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[Disclaimer read by "Android" 17]

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[WARNING: These subtitles contain added awesomeness.
If you want the clean captions, please select the English option. Ta-ta~]

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[Creepy reptilian moan]

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"ANDROID" 17: So, what *is* this, spearmint?
Your inbred mutant cousin or something?

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PICCOLO: Wait, I thought he was on *your* side.

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17: What?! Why would *I* know him?

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IMPERFECT CELL: Hello... *Brotherrr*...

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17: Come again?

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IMP. CELL: In a moment.

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[EW]
IMP. CELL: In a moment.

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And hello...

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...My BEAAAUTIFUL SISTER.....

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(Slurping sounds)

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"ANDROID" 18: Oh, f*ck no! (O_O)

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IMP. CELL: And...

16
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...Um.

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ANDROID 16: I am designated as Android 16.

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IMP. CELL: .......

19
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Cool. Anywho...

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You have my sincerest gratitude, Piccolo~.

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Without power levels, I would have been left searching for them blindly.

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But thanks to *your* little skirmish,
I have been reunited with my *family*...!

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...And we have sooo much catching up to do~......!

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HAAAA

25
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HAAAA-AAAAA-!!!!!

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17: Okay, so am I alone or did that not explain ANYTHING?!

27
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[Likely shitting himself right now.]
PICCOLO: He calls himself Cell. He's one of Dr. Gero's creations!

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He's from the future.

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[Sarcasm ABOUNDING]
17: Oh, sure! He's from the future!

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Yeah, and I'm a Park Ranger (Predicted!)

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16: That sounds nice.

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18: Can we FOCUS?!?!

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{KABOOM}

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TIEN: ...Guys? Is that who I think it is?

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[WETTING HIMSELF]
KRILLIN: Yeah, no yeah! Yeah!

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ROSHI: Dammit!

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And we still don't have that detonator.

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[... ?]
KRILLIN: Yeah no! Yeah! Yeah, no!

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TIEN: We're out of time! We need to do something NOW!

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KRILLIN: Yeah!
[Is your mind just somewhere else man?]

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CHI-CHI: Here's a thought:

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How about one of you, who can fly faster than
the speed of sound, go meet Bulma halfway?

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KRILLIN: Chi-Chi, you beautiful woman who lives in Goku's house!

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CHI-CHI: That is what I do.

45
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ROSHI: Well then, which one of you--

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KRILLIN: DIBS!

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WOOHOO!

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ROSHI: Well, that works.

49
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Guess this is all we can do until Goku and Vegeta get ba--

50
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TIEN: *ENOUGH!*

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I am not a spectator! I AM A *WARRIOR*!

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ROSHI: I can never read that guy.

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CHI-CHI: Aren't you going to help too?

54
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ROSHI: No.

55
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CHI-CHI [off-screen]: Is it because you're old?

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ROSHI: Yeh.

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CHI-CHI: Where's Yamcha?

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YAMCHA [o-s]: Hey Master Roshi! You're out of toilet paper!

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[Sounds of the toilet clogging and overflowing]
Oh no... oh jeez, OH GOD...!

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[♫ "Cha-La Head-Cha-La" ♫]

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♫ CHA-LA HEAD-CHA-LA ♫

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♫ Egao urutora zetto de ♫
(With a smile that’s Ultra-Z)

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♫ Kyô mo ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~ ♫
(Even today is ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~)

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♫ Sparking! [fading echo] ♫

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[Rubble crashing, HOLY CRAP,
how POWERFUL was that last energy display-??]

66
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[........ EEP-..!!]

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KAMI: 'Alright... he's grown just a bit stronger since last time...
No big deal. We've got this.'

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NAIL: 'He's going to kill us.
He's going to kill Piccolo, and by extension, *us*...!'

69
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KAMI: 'I'm TRYING to boost his morale, you idiot!'

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IMP. CELL: Is it hard to bear, Piccolo?

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My overwhelming power?

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Its weight?
[Wait what-?]

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Its...

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Its... GIRTH~? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

75
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[... OH EW...]
Its... GIRTH~? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

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PICCOLO: How...

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HOW MANY PEOPLE?!

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IMP. CELL: ...Enough.
[EEP-!!]

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17: Look, I don't know what you're on about with this family nonsense,
[SEVENTEEN RUN. RUN NOW]

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but if you're here because of Gero, I 86'd him myself!
[RUN DAMN YOU.]

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So why don't we cancel these family matters,
[SEVENTEEN FOR THE LOVE OF GOD RUN]

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shelve the photo album and--
[SEVENTEEN I SWEAR TO KAMI--]

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FWUH!!!
[YIKES!!!]

84
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... Come again-???

85
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IMP. CELL: If you insist! ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
[STOP THAT!]

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(Creepy laughter)

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HA-HWUUAHHH-!!!!

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(More creepy laughter...)
[DID THAT EVEN HURT HIM-??]

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17: Oookay! Future bugman...

90
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Let's say I, uh... Believe that now....

91
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Where do we go from here?

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IMP. CELL: INSIDE ME!

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17: Stop it!

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PICCOLO: He's also a walking talking
Petri dish of the galaxy's strongest fighters!

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IMP. CELL: No need for flattery, Piccolo.

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*You're already inside me.*

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PICCOLO: STOP IT!

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17: Scared to ask, but, anything else?

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IMP. CELL: Ohoh, tell them about the part where I took an entire Battleball team!

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AT THE SAME TIME!

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18: ... Wait, is he kidding?

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PICCOLO: No.

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18: Ugh!

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17: That's fun, but it really doesn't answer the big question:

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Why is he here?

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IMP. CELL: You know, it's rude to talk about
someone when they're right in front of you.

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17: Okay; WHY ARE YOU HERE?

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IMP. CELL: Because, BITCH...

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I

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I DRINK

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I DRINK PEOPLE.

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(Such an excellent reference to Takahata's work on Hellsing Abridged ;))

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17: ...Yeah, f*ck that!

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HYAAAAAAAH--

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[ELBOW TO CRANIUM]
GAAAGH!!

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PICCOLO: HRAGH!!

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GAUGH-!!

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AGAHBLAGHABLAGLABALGA

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16: You should leave.

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18: What? Why?

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16: Neither of them can stand up to this "Cell".

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If he defeats them, you may not be safe.

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18: I can't just run.

124
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I'm WAY too curious to see how this plays out.

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16: I believe that is a poor decision.
[This editor agrees.]

126
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18: Maybe...

127
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But it's mine to make.
[Anyone else think this line is kinda sad in retrospect?]
[Yep]

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PICCOLO: GKTAAAKAAGKT-AAAAGH-!!

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KAMI: 'I believe this what the young people call, "getting rekt".'

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NAIL: 'Yeah, man. If you have any techniques
left up your sleeve, now's the time...!'

131
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PICCOLO: 'Yeah... I think I got one.'

132
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NAIL: 'Really? Since when?'

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PICCOLO: 'About now-ish.'

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[And CUE MORE SCREAMING.]

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17: ...Nope!

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[OH NOW YOU RUN.]

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PICCOLO: LIGHT GRENADE!

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{NYOOOOM}

139
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{KAAAA-BOOOOOOM!!!!}

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16: ...He never stood a chance.

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18: See? And you were so afraid of the big bad bug.

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16 [o-s]: *That is not who I meant.*

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IMP. CELL: (Evil chuckling)

144
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PICCOLO: 'OH...'
IMP. CELL: (Evil chuckling)

145
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17: 'SHHHIT....'
IMP. CELL: (Evil chuckling)

146
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IMP. CELL: (Evil chuckling)

147
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NAIL: 'OOOKAY, last ditch effort didn't work...'

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KAMI: 'Any last, LAST ditch efforts?!'

149
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PICCOLO: Just one...

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NAIL GU--!!

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👊 {CRUNCH} 👊
[THAT USED TO BE PICCOLO'S CARTILAGE]

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AAIIEE-GAH!!!!

153
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IMP. CELL: Any last words, my big, green friend?

154
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PICCOLO: (Gurgle)

155
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IMP. CELL: Well said.

156
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Good game~.

157
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[AND THAT USED TO BE HIS STOMACH]

158
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GOHAN: (Terrified grunt)

159
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GOKU: OH, THAT AIN'T GOOD...

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KAMI: 'Well... That's it, then, isn't it?'

161
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NAIL: '...... Gentlemen, it's been a privilege fighting with you....'

162
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[♫ "Nearer, My God, to Thee" (violin rendition) ♫]

163
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GOHAN: (Gritting his teeth in utter fury)
GOKU: You know, funny thing is...

164
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either way, we still wouldn't have Dragon Balls.

165
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GOHAN: MR. PICCOLOOO!!!

166
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GOKU: Gohan, no!

167
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GOHAN: I'LL KILL 'IM! *I'LL F*CKING KILL HIM!!!!*

168
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GOKU: You can't! Cell is too strong for you!

169
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GOHAN: Mr. Piccolo would let me go!

170
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GOKU: No, he wouldn't!

171
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And he's SMARTER than me.

172
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GOHAN: I--
[.... Wow. I... Literally can't argue with that.]

173
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[.... Wow. I... Literally can't argue with that.]

174
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...Wow, o-okay. That's...
[.... Wow. I... Literally can't argue with that.]

175
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...Actually a good point.

176
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GOKU: And besides; the moment you leave, that door is going to open.

177
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MR. POPO: He's right, you know.

178
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GOKU: Every time.

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IMP. CELL: Ah, Piccolo...

180
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He died as he lived.

181
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18: Drowning?

182
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IMP. CELL: Alone.

183
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16: That is sad.

184
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IMP. CELL: Yes. Such isolation. I know his pain.

185
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So, my siblings...

186
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Why don't you come with me...
[Wait wha--]

187
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And you'll be...
[Wait... Is he--]

188
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...In a world of truly pure perfection...
[BRRRRRR]

189
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18: *Stop it*!!

190
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16: Seventeen! We need to go!

191
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17: No.

192
00:07:41,940 --> 00:07:43,500
I'm gonna play this one out.

193
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16: I believe that is a *poor decision*!

194
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17: Probably...

195
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But it's mine to make!

196
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HYAAAAAAAAAAAA--

197
00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:53,360
[Seventeen gets PWNED like the idiot he is.]

198
00:07:54,460 --> 00:07:55,160
IMP. CELL: Y'know...

199
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*He wasn't wrong.*

200
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[WHAT THE SHIT-???]

201
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17: This... Is...

202
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The... GROSSEST THING-..!!!

203
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IMP. CELL: Aw, come now. Don't be so scared.

204
00:08:05,580 --> 00:08:09,240
Once you're a part of me, you'll be reunited with our sister in...

205
00:08:09,240 --> 00:08:09,840
(Freeza cells kicking in.)

206
00:08:09,840 --> 00:08:11,380
...I dunno; give me five minutes.

207
00:08:11,380 --> 00:08:12,240
Ten, tops.

208
00:08:12,500 --> 00:08:15,140
And once I have achieved my perfection,

209
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I'll take my time *killing every person on this planet...*

210
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Even the mighty Goku~~...

211
00:08:21,820 --> 00:08:23,400
(Maniacal laughter)

212
00:08:23,400 --> 00:08:24,600
[Wait Sixteen-?]
(Maniacal laughter)

213
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16: Would you care to repeat that, YOU SON OF A BITCH?

214
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[That's what he gets for wanting to steal Sixteen's target]

215
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IMP. CELL: Got another one in ya?

216
00:08:34,500 --> 00:08:36,000
16: *STOP... IT!!!*

217
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17: Damn, Sixteen! Where the hell did THAT come from???

218
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And what TOOK YOU SO LONG?!?!

219
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16: I was waiting to see *how things played out*.
[... Wait did he just-?]

220
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17: Wait...

221
00:08:45,560 --> 00:08:47,100
Was that *sarcasm*?

222
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16: *I am not programmed for sarcasm...*
[Wow, he is surprisingly sassy]

223
00:08:49,440 --> 00:08:50,540
17: ..... I'm proud of you.

224
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16: Now if you'll excuse me, I will eliminate Cell.

225
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17: I thought you were only programmed to kill Goku.

226
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16: This "Cell" is comprised of 10.78% of Son Goku's DNA.

227
00:09:02,280 --> 00:09:03,500
These parameters...

228
00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:05,500
ARE ACCEPTABLE.
[Badass lvl +1]

229
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IMP. CELL: Oh, ok, I guess we're doing THIS now!!!

230
00:09:19,420 --> 00:09:24,180
Ohhhh! An admirable attempt by the red-headed stepchild!

231
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But don't feel too disappointed; for now...

232
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YOU shall be a part of ME!

233
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[muffled Vacuum sounds]

234
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...? Of ME!

235
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[More Muffled Vacuum sounds]
...? Of ME!

236
00:09:32,660 --> 00:09:33,160
Agh????

237
00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:34,500
*Of MEEEEEE!!!*

238
00:09:34,500 --> 00:09:35,640
[Even MORE Muffled Vacuum sounds]
*Of MEEEEEE!!!*

239
00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:36,660
AGH, GOD!

240
00:09:36,900 --> 00:09:39,320
Gah, what are you made of??? Pure METAL?!?!

241
00:09:39,320 --> 00:09:39,860
[GRIP... OH BOY HERE WE GO.]

242
00:09:39,860 --> 00:09:43,020
[SHIT-EATING GRIN ALERT]
16: Affirmative. I am *ANDROID* 16.

243
00:09:43,460 --> 00:09:44,100
IMP. CELL: Oh...

244
00:09:44,740 --> 00:09:45,840
Errors have been made...

245
00:09:46,080 --> 00:09:47,960
HWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH-!!!!!!!

246
00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:49,740
16: HAAAAH
IMP. CELL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

247
00:09:49,740 --> 00:09:51,740
[IMPERFECT CRASH!!]

248
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:53,220
[STOMP!!]
AAAAAAAAAAAAGH-!!!!!!!

249
00:09:54,980 --> 00:09:56,320
N-n-now I know what you're thinking..!!

250
00:09:56,600 --> 00:09:58,020
"Should I rip off his tail?"

251
00:09:58,340 --> 00:10:00,340
And the answer might surprise--
[F*ing clickbait]

252
00:10:00,340 --> 00:10:00,840
[RRRIP!!!!]

253
00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:03,660
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

254
00:10:03,660 --> 00:10:05,200
17: ....... I was not ready for today...
[Cell continues to cry out in excruciating pain]

255
00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:06,880
18: I don't think ANY OF US WERE........
[Cell continues to cry out in excruciating pain]

256
00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:10,100
[Cell panting in pain]

257
00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:15,940
IMP. CELL: Do you know... How long it's gonna take... To REGROW MY TAIL?!

258
00:10:16,380 --> 00:10:17,000
16: .... Pardon m--

259
00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:17,500
IMP. CELL: Boop.

260
00:10:17,500 --> 00:10:19,420
[WAIT WHA- OH GAG ME]

261
00:10:19,420 --> 00:10:23,540
Thanks to Uncle Piccolo's cells, an ultimately fruitless effort.

262
00:10:23,900 --> 00:10:25,680
But if it's any consolation...

263
00:10:25,940 --> 00:10:27,940
...That *hurt like hell!*

264
00:10:28,400 --> 00:10:30,760
16: My mistake was starting at the wrong end.

265
00:10:31,060 --> 00:10:33,800
My next attempt... Will be on your HEAD.

266
00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:35,680
IMP. CELL: (Chuckling)

267
00:10:35,680 --> 00:10:39,460
And your second mistake is assuming I'll give you another chance.

268
00:10:41,440 --> 00:10:43,440
16: GAGH!!

269
00:10:44,140 --> 00:10:45,660
{WHOOSH!!!}
[Here comes Cell!!]

270
00:10:46,500 --> 00:10:47,720
ROCKET PUNCH!

271
00:10:49,160 --> 00:10:49,660
IMP. CELL: WHA-?!?

272
00:10:49,660 --> 00:10:50,400
{WHAM!!!!}
PAH-!!!!!!!

273
00:10:50,520 --> 00:10:51,660
18 [unimpressed]: 'Wow. Really?'

274
00:10:51,680 --> 00:10:53,360
17 [IMPRESSED]: 'THAT IS SO COOL!'

275
00:10:59,040 --> 00:11:01,040
[Robotic clanking sounds as 16 picks up Cell.]

276
00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:03,040
[CRASH!!!!]

277
00:11:03,360 --> 00:11:05,720
IMP. CELL [o-s]: Hagh, what is *HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?!?!*

278
00:11:06,120 --> 00:11:07,780
Where in the f*ck am I?!

279
00:11:08,260 --> 00:11:09,780
{CLANK CLANK}

280
00:11:10,260 --> 00:11:11,800
Wait. What's that noise-?

281
00:11:12,580 --> 00:11:15,180
Hold on... Now I see a light..!!

282
00:11:15,420 --> 00:11:16,660
16: *WALK TOWARDS IT!!!!!*

283
00:11:16,660 --> 00:11:17,580
{BOOM!!!}

284
00:11:17,580 --> 00:11:18,380
IMP. CELL: WHAT THE-

285
00:11:18,380 --> 00:11:21,920
HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLllllloooaaooao

286
00:11:29,760 --> 00:11:30,720
18: ...Oh my God...

287
00:11:31,080 --> 00:11:32,380
He actually did it (!)

288
00:11:32,940 --> 00:11:34,860
16: Why are you still here?!

289
00:11:35,020 --> 00:11:38,500
17: Oh, come on, we can't just leave you here!
We're the Three Amigos!

290
00:11:38,620 --> 00:11:40,240
16: You do not understand.

291
00:11:40,500 --> 00:11:44,480
I do not know if I am entirely capable of eliminating this "Cell".

292
00:11:44,780 --> 00:11:46,540
And should he absorb the two of you...

293
00:11:46,860 --> 00:11:48,840
...He will wreak havoc upon this world.

294
00:11:49,120 --> 00:11:51,620
17: Well, yeah, but... We were gonna do that too.

295
00:11:51,780 --> 00:11:52,360
16: Yes...

296
00:11:52,840 --> 00:11:54,360
But I LIKE you.

297
00:11:54,440 --> 00:11:55,020
18: Aw.

298
00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:59,720
16: Over the past last few days, I have
come to feel a great adoration for this planet.

299
00:12:00,260 --> 00:12:01,340
From it's trees...

300
00:12:01,740 --> 00:12:02,760
...To it's birds...

301
00:12:03,440 --> 00:12:04,440
...To it's people...

302
00:12:05,420 --> 00:12:06,380
...To it's birds.

303
00:12:06,840 --> 00:12:09,580
I do not wish to cause anymore destruction.

304
00:12:09,900 --> 00:12:13,360
18: Actually, Sixteen... I think you've got the right idea.

305
00:12:13,680 --> 00:12:14,860
17: Yeah, you know what?

306
00:12:15,040 --> 00:12:16,640
Screw that noise, man!

307
00:12:16,880 --> 00:12:18,480
Forget destroying everything, forget killing people,

308
00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:20,140
[⚠]
Forget destroying everything, forget killing people,

309
00:12:20,560 --> 00:12:21,340
And you know what?

310
00:12:21,340 --> 00:12:21,840
{TUH}

311
00:12:22,160 --> 00:12:24,600
Forget killing Son Goku!

312
00:12:24,600 --> 00:12:26,400
16: LET'S NOT GET CRAZY!

313
00:12:27,200 --> 00:12:28,480
IMP. CELL: TOO LATE~~~~!!!!!! >:D

314
00:12:31,460 --> 00:12:34,860
17 [muffled]: Oh God, this is totally disgusting!
This isn't how this is supposed to work!

315
00:12:34,860 --> 00:12:38,180
I'm not supposed to die like this! I'M TOO COOL!

316
00:12:38,180 --> 00:12:42,600
SOMEONE PULL OFF HIS TAIL! I'M TOO COOL FOR THIS! I'M TOO COOL--!

317
00:12:42,600 --> 00:12:43,300
{GULP}

318
00:12:44,480 --> 00:12:46,140
[ENERGY GATHERS]

319
00:12:46,280 --> 00:12:51,040
[CELL SCREAMS HIS VOICE CHANGING DURING WHICH]
[OH GODDAMMIT!! I TOLD YOU IDIOTS TO RUN!!]

320
00:13:05,560 --> 00:13:07,560
[OH.... SHIT...]

321
00:13:08,660 --> 00:13:12,400
[DBZA OUTRO THEME]

322
00:13:16,260 --> 00:13:22,480
[Pokémon evolution theme (Generation I - R/B/Y)]

323
00:13:23,260 --> 00:13:25,260
[Evolution complete theme]