[Disclaimer read by "Android" 17]
[WARNING: These subtitles contain added awesomeness. If you want the clean captions, please select the English option. Ta-ta~]
[Creepy reptilian moan]
"ANDROID" 17: So, what *is* this, spearmint? Your inbred mutant cousin or something?
PICCOLO: Wait, I thought he was on *your* side.
17: What?! Why would *I* know him?
IMPERFECT CELL: Hello... *Brotherrr*...
17: Come again?
IMP. CELL: In a moment.
[EW] IMP. CELL: In a moment.
And hello...
...My BEAAAUTIFUL SISTER.....
(Slurping sounds)
"ANDROID" 18: Oh, f*ck no! (O_O)
IMP. CELL: And...
...Um.
ANDROID 16: I am designated as Android 16.
IMP. CELL: .......
Cool. Anywho...
You have my sincerest gratitude, Piccolo~.
Without power levels, I would have been left searching for them blindly.
But thanks to *your* little skirmish, I have been reunited with my *family*...!
...And we have sooo much catching up to do~......!
HAAAA
HAAAA-AAAAA-!!!!!
17: Okay, so am I alone or did that not explain ANYTHING?!
[Likely shitting himself right now.] PICCOLO: He calls himself Cell. He's one of Dr. Gero's creations!
He's from the future.
[Sarcasm ABOUNDING] 17: Oh, sure! He's from the future!
Yeah, and I'm a Park Ranger (Predicted!)
16: That sounds nice.
18: Can we FOCUS?!?!
{KABOOM}
TIEN: ...Guys? Is that who I think it is?
[WETTING HIMSELF] KRILLIN: Yeah, no yeah! Yeah!
ROSHI: Dammit!
And we still don't have that detonator.
[... ?] KRILLIN: Yeah no! Yeah! Yeah, no!
TIEN: We're out of time! We need to do something NOW!
KRILLIN: Yeah! [Is your mind just somewhere else man?]
CHI-CHI: Here's a thought:
How about one of you, who can fly faster than the speed of sound, go meet Bulma halfway?
KRILLIN: Chi-Chi, you beautiful woman who lives in Goku's house!
CHI-CHI: That is what I do.
ROSHI: Well then, which one of you--
KRILLIN: DIBS!
WOOHOO!
ROSHI: Well, that works.
Guess this is all we can do until Goku and Vegeta get ba--
TIEN: *ENOUGH!*
I am not a spectator! I AM A *WARRIOR*!
ROSHI: I can never read that guy.
CHI-CHI: Aren't you going to help too?
ROSHI: No.
CHI-CHI [off-screen]: Is it because you're old?
ROSHI: Yeh.
CHI-CHI: Where's Yamcha?
YAMCHA [o-s]: Hey Master Roshi! You're out of toilet paper!
[Sounds of the toilet clogging and overflowing] Oh no... oh jeez, OH GOD...!
[♫ "Cha-La Head-Cha-La" ♫]
♫ CHA-LA HEAD-CHA-LA ♫
♫ Egao urutora zetto de ♫ (With a smile that’s Ultra-Z)
♫ Kyô mo ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~ ♫ (Even today is ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~)
♫ Sparking! [fading echo] ♫
[Rubble crashing, HOLY CRAP, how POWERFUL was that last energy display-??]
[........ EEP-..!!]
KAMI: 'Alright... he's grown just a bit stronger since last time... No big deal. We've got this.'
NAIL: 'He's going to kill us. He's going to kill Piccolo, and by extension, *us*...!'
KAMI: 'I'm TRYING to boost his morale, you idiot!'
IMP. CELL: Is it hard to bear, Piccolo?
My overwhelming power?
Its weight? [Wait what-?]
Its...
Its... GIRTH~? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
[... OH EW...] Its... GIRTH~? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
PICCOLO: How...
HOW MANY PEOPLE?!
IMP. CELL: ...Enough. [EEP-!!]
17: Look, I don't know what you're on about with this family nonsense, [SEVENTEEN RUN. RUN NOW]
but if you're here because of Gero, I 86'd him myself! [RUN DAMN YOU.]
So why don't we cancel these family matters, [SEVENTEEN FOR THE LOVE OF GOD RUN]
shelve the photo album and-- [SEVENTEEN I SWEAR TO KAMI--]
FWUH!!! [YIKES!!!]
... Come again-???
IMP. CELL: If you insist! ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) [STOP THAT!]
(Creepy laughter)
HA-HWUUAHHH-!!!!
(More creepy laughter...) [DID THAT EVEN HURT HIM-??]
17: Oookay! Future bugman...
Let's say I, uh... Believe that now....
Where do we go from here?
IMP. CELL: INSIDE ME!
17: Stop it!
PICCOLO: He's also a walking talking Petri dish of the galaxy's strongest fighters!
IMP. CELL: No need for flattery, Piccolo.
*You're already inside me.*
PICCOLO: STOP IT!
17: Scared to ask, but, anything else?
IMP. CELL: Ohoh, tell them about the part where I took an entire Battleball team!
AT THE SAME TIME!
18: ... Wait, is he kidding?
PICCOLO: No.
18: Ugh!
17: That's fun, but it really doesn't answer the big question:
Why is he here?
IMP. CELL: You know, it's rude to talk about someone when they're right in front of you.
17: Okay; WHY ARE YOU HERE?
IMP. CELL: Because, BITCH...
I
I DRINK
I DRINK PEOPLE.
(Such an excellent reference to Takahata's work on Hellsing Abridged ;))
17: ...Yeah, f*ck that!
HYAAAAAAAH--
[ELBOW TO CRANIUM] GAAAGH!!
PICCOLO: HRAGH!!
GAUGH-!!
AGAHBLAGHABLAGLABALGA
16: You should leave.
18: What? Why?
16: Neither of them can stand up to this "Cell".
If he defeats them, you may not be safe.
18: I can't just run.
I'm WAY too curious to see how this plays out.
16: I believe that is a poor decision. [This editor agrees.]
18: Maybe...
But it's mine to make. [Anyone else think this line is kinda sad in retrospect?] [Yep]
PICCOLO: GKTAAAKAAGKT-AAAAGH-!!
KAMI: 'I believe this what the young people call, "getting rekt".'
NAIL: 'Yeah, man. If you have any techniques left up your sleeve, now's the time...!'
PICCOLO: 'Yeah... I think I got one.'
NAIL: 'Really? Since when?'
PICCOLO: 'About now-ish.'
[And CUE MORE SCREAMING.]
17: ...Nope!
[OH NOW YOU RUN.]
PICCOLO: LIGHT GRENADE!
{NYOOOOM}
{KAAAA-BOOOOOOM!!!!}
16: ...He never stood a chance.
18: See? And you were so afraid of the big bad bug.
16 [o-s]: *That is not who I meant.*
IMP. CELL: (Evil chuckling)
PICCOLO: 'OH...' IMP. CELL: (Evil chuckling)
17: 'SHHHIT....' IMP. CELL: (Evil chuckling)
NAIL: 'OOOKAY, last ditch effort didn't work...'
KAMI: 'Any last, LAST ditch efforts?!'
PICCOLO: Just one...
NAIL GU--!!
👊 {CRUNCH} 👊 [THAT USED TO BE PICCOLO'S CARTILAGE]
AAIIEE-GAH!!!!
IMP. CELL: Any last words, my big, green friend?
PICCOLO: (Gurgle)
IMP. CELL: Well said.
Good game~.
[AND THAT USED TO BE HIS STOMACH]
GOHAN: (Terrified grunt)
GOKU: OH, THAT AIN'T GOOD...
KAMI: 'Well... That's it, then, isn't it?'
NAIL: '...... Gentlemen, it's been a privilege fighting with you....'
[♫ "Nearer, My God, to Thee" (violin rendition) ♫]
GOHAN: (Gritting his teeth in utter fury) GOKU: You know, funny thing is...
either way, we still wouldn't have Dragon Balls.
GOHAN: MR. PICCOLOOO!!!
GOKU: Gohan, no!
GOHAN: I'LL KILL 'IM! *I'LL F*CKING KILL HIM!!!!*
GOKU: You can't! Cell is too strong for you!
GOHAN: Mr. Piccolo would let me go!
GOKU: No, he wouldn't!
And he's SMARTER than me.
GOHAN: I-- [.... Wow. I... Literally can't argue with that.]
...Wow, o-okay. That's... [.... Wow. I... Literally can't argue with that.]
...Actually a good point.
GOKU: And besides; the moment you leave, that door is going to open.
MR. POPO: He's right, you know.
GOKU: Every time.
IMP. CELL: Ah, Piccolo...
He died as he lived.
18: Drowning?
IMP. CELL: Alone.
16: That is sad.
IMP. CELL: Yes. Such isolation. I know his pain.
So, my siblings...
Why don't you come with me... [Wait wha--]
And you'll be... [Wait... Is he--]
...In a world of truly pure perfection... [BRRRRRR]
18: *Stop it*!!
16: Seventeen! We need to go!
17: No.
I'm gonna play this one out.
16: I believe that is a *poor decision*!
17: Probably...
But it's mine to make!
HYAAAAAAAAAAAA--
[Seventeen gets PWNED like the idiot he is.]
IMP. CELL: Y'know...
*He wasn't wrong.*
[WHAT THE SHIT-???]
17: This... Is...
The... GROSSEST THING-..!!!
IMP. CELL: Aw, come now. Don't be so scared.
Once you're a part of me, you'll be reunited with our sister in...
(Freeza cells kicking in.)
...I dunno; give me five minutes.
Ten, tops.
And once I have achieved my perfection,
I'll take my time *killing every person on this planet...*
Even the mighty Goku~~...
(Maniacal laughter)
[Wait Sixteen-?] (Maniacal laughter)
16: Would you care to repeat that, YOU SON OF A BITCH?
[That's what he gets for wanting to steal Sixteen's target]
IMP. CELL: Got another one in ya?
16: *STOP... IT!!!*
17: Damn, Sixteen! Where the hell did THAT come from???
And what TOOK YOU SO LONG?!?!
16: I was waiting to see *how things played out*. [... Wait did he just-?]
17: Wait...
Was that *sarcasm*?
16: *I am not programmed for sarcasm...* [Wow, he is surprisingly sassy]
17: ..... I'm proud of you.
16: Now if you'll excuse me, I will eliminate Cell.
17: I thought you were only programmed to kill Goku.
16: This "Cell" is comprised of 10.78% of Son Goku's DNA.
These parameters...
ARE ACCEPTABLE. [Badass lvl +1]
IMP. CELL: Oh, ok, I guess we're doing THIS now!!!
Ohhhh! An admirable attempt by the red-headed stepchild!
But don't feel too disappointed; for now...
YOU shall be a part of ME!
[muffled Vacuum sounds]
...? Of ME!
[More Muffled Vacuum sounds] ...? Of ME!
Agh????
*Of MEEEEEE!!!*
[Even MORE Muffled Vacuum sounds] *Of MEEEEEE!!!*
AGH, GOD!
Gah, what are you made of??? Pure METAL?!?!
[GRIP... OH BOY HERE WE GO.]
[SHIT-EATING GRIN ALERT] 16: Affirmative. I am *ANDROID* 16.
IMP. CELL: Oh...
Errors have been made...
HWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH-!!!!!!!
16: HAAAAH IMP. CELL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
[IMPERFECT CRASH!!]
[STOMP!!] AAAAAAAAAAAAGH-!!!!!!!
N-n-now I know what you're thinking..!!
"Should I rip off his tail?"
And the answer might surprise-- [F*ing clickbait]
[RRRIP!!!!]
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
17: ....... I was not ready for today... [Cell continues to cry out in excruciating pain]
18: I don't think ANY OF US WERE........ [Cell continues to cry out in excruciating pain]
[Cell panting in pain]
IMP. CELL: Do you know... How long it's gonna take... To REGROW MY TAIL?!
16: .... Pardon m--
IMP. CELL: Boop.
[WAIT WHA- OH GAG ME]
Thanks to Uncle Piccolo's cells, an ultimately fruitless effort.
But if it's any consolation...
...That *hurt like hell!*
16: My mistake was starting at the wrong end.
My next attempt... Will be on your HEAD.
IMP. CELL: (Chuckling)
And your second mistake is assuming I'll give you another chance.
16: GAGH!!
{WHOOSH!!!} [Here comes Cell!!]
ROCKET PUNCH!
IMP. CELL: WHA-?!?
{WHAM!!!!} PAH-!!!!!!!
18 [unimpressed]: 'Wow. Really?'
17 [IMPRESSED]: 'THAT IS SO COOL!'
[Robotic clanking sounds as 16 picks up Cell.]
[CRASH!!!!]
IMP. CELL [o-s]: Hagh, what is *HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?!?!*
Where in the f*ck am I?!
{CLANK CLANK}
Wait. What's that noise-?
Hold on... Now I see a light..!!
16: *WALK TOWARDS IT!!!!!*
{BOOM!!!}
IMP. CELL: WHAT THE-
HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLllllloooaaooao
18: ...Oh my God...
He actually did it (!)
16: Why are you still here?!
17: Oh, come on, we can't just leave you here! We're the Three Amigos!
16: You do not understand.
I do not know if I am entirely capable of eliminating this "Cell".
And should he absorb the two of you...
...He will wreak havoc upon this world.
17: Well, yeah, but... We were gonna do that too.
16: Yes...
But I LIKE you.
18: Aw.
16: Over the past last few days, I have come to feel a great adoration for this planet.
From it's trees...
...To it's birds...
...To it's people...
...To it's birds.
I do not wish to cause anymore destruction.
18: Actually, Sixteen... I think you've got the right idea.
17: Yeah, you know what?
Screw that noise, man!
Forget destroying everything, forget killing people,
[⚠] Forget destroying everything, forget killing people,
And you know what?
{TUH}
Forget killing Son Goku!
16: LET'S NOT GET CRAZY!
IMP. CELL: TOO LATE~~~~!!!!!! >:D
17 [muffled]: Oh God, this is totally disgusting! This isn't how this is supposed to work!
I'm not supposed to die like this! I'M TOO COOL!
SOMEONE PULL OFF HIS TAIL! I'M TOO COOL FOR THIS! I'M TOO COOL--!
{GULP}
[ENERGY GATHERS]
[CELL SCREAMS HIS VOICE CHANGING DURING WHICH] [OH GODDAMMIT!! I TOLD YOU IDIOTS TO RUN!!]
[OH.... SHIT...]
[DBZA OUTRO THEME]
[Pokémon evolution theme (Generation I - R/B/Y)]
[Evolution complete theme]