[Disclaimer read by Trunks]
[WARNING: These subtitles contain added awesomeness. If you want the clean captions, please select the English option. Ta-ta~]
[Techno music; sounds of ki attacks]
GOKU: Boy, I'm glad you're a Super Saiyan now; I've needed a good training partner!
I don't know Trunks very well, and Vegeta's always so busy... and angry. [...And he hates you.]
I'm not gonna lie; sometimes, I think he doesn't like me. ["Sometimes"?]
I mean, who wouldn't like *me*? [Too easy.]
GOHAN: Maybe you're just too good.
GOKU: Na-haw, I'm just Goku! And speaking of Goku, IT'S LUNCH TI--!
GOHAN: Well, guess we don't know what time it is anymore, huh? (Chuckling)
GOHAN: (Chuckling) GOKU [to himself]: Don't break Popo's stuff
GOHAN: (Calming down) GOKU [to himself]: Don't break Popo's stuff don't break Popo's stuff
GOHAN: Uh... Dad? GOKU [to himself]: Don't break Popo's stuff don't break Popo's stuff don't break Popo's stuff
GOHAN: ... GOKU [to himself]: Don't break Popo's stuff don't break Popo's stuff don't break Popo's stuff don't break Popo's stuff
GOHAN: What're you muttering? GOKU [to himself]: Don't break Popo's stuff don't break Popo's stuff don't break Popo's stuff don't break Popo's stuff don't break Popo's stuff
GOKU: SIXTH RULE OF POPO'S TRAINING! (Pecking Order)
[♫ "Cha-La Head-Cha-La" ♫]
♫ CHA-LA HEAD-CHA-LA ♫
♫ Egao urutora zetto de ♫ (With a smile that’s Ultra-Z)
♫ Kyô mo ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~ ♫ (Even today is ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~)
♫ Sparking! [fading echo] ♫
TRUNKS: Aaah!
Aaaaahh!!
Aaaaaaahhh!!!
Aaaaaaaaahhhh!!!!
PERFECT CELL: Good Lord, the lungs on that boy! [Trunks continues to yell during his power-up] [You could say that for literally *everyone* in this series.]
KRILLIN: You OK, Trunks? You, uh, doin' good on air--
{ZAP} dehyeyeyagh!
PICCOLO: And *there's* the twist.
BULMA: Not to be a broken record, but...
PICCOLO: Right, so uh, no worries, your uh...
...huh, I was gonna say husband, but...
...well, I was gonna say boyfriend, but--
TENSHINHAN: Your baby-daddy is still breathing.
PICCOLO: Yeah, barely.
BULMA: Well, that's a relief. BABY TRUNKS: ...!
PICCOLO: On the other hand, Trunks is about to fight Cell.
BABY TRUNKS: ?! BULMA: What?! But he's just a baby!
Oh-hoh, right... the future one...
But he's just a baby!
KRILLIN: OK, ya done?
TRUNKS: Yeah, yeah, I'm, I'm so sorry about that!
KRILLIN: Hey man, it's fine.
TRUNKS: My power was rising, I couldn't control it.
KRILLIN: No, it's good, go kill him!
TRUNKS: Definitely didn't do that because you spared the Android or anything... [Suspiciously specific denial, that.]
KRILLIN: Well, obviously.
...Right?
PER. CELL: You know, if I had a watch, I'd be looking at my wrist reeaaally condescendingly right now...
TRUNKS: Krillin, take this. Give it to my father.
KRILLIN: You... sure you won't need it?
TRUNKS: No. This battle was over before it began.
KRILLIN: BAD
KRILLIN: BAD-ASS!
PER. CELL: Also accurate!
ANDROID 16: Trunks! Senzu beans heal physical damage! Only therapy will aid emotional trauma. [I'm sure everyone would love to see Vegeta on a therapist's couch.]
PER. CELL: Oh, please. There's not a shrink qualified enough* to deal with that hot mess. [* Or suicidal, for that matter]
And, speaking of shrink...
KRILLIN: Here it comes...
PER. CELL: Krillin, go kiss the Prince's booboos. The big boys need to talk.
KRILLIN: Fine, whatever. Leave ya to it. [To Vegeta] Say goodbye, Vegeta!
VEGETA: (Gurgling) [Translation: Just fuck off already...]
TRUNKS: I'm going to make you pay in blood for what you did to him!
PER. CELL: Oh don't lie, boy scout; that *must* have been catharsis by proxy. (Chuckle)
He's gonna be waking up for the next five years in a cold *sweat* remembering today!
(Chuckle) TRUNKS: I'm not a psychopath like--
PER. CELL: Kind of like you!
TRUNKS: Like me??
PER. CELL: Does Gohan know, by the way?
TRUNKS: Does he know what?
PER. CELL: That you let him die.
[That must have struck a nerve...]
TRUNKS: I'm going to power up now.
PER. CELL: I'd be disappointed if you didn't!
TRUNKS: (Yelling)
TENSHINHAN: That's Trunks?!
PICCOLO: Yeah, pretty astonishing, isn't it?
TENSHINHAN: It's in*furiating*!
PICCOLO: Why? Because the gap keeps widening? [Ah, the perils of long-running series...]
TENSHINHAN: Because he could've:
A) Killed Android 18
B) Killed Cell
Or C) Killed Vegeta!
PICCOLO: Why Vegeta?
TENSHINHAN: Because I deserve SOMETHING today!
[Trunks' screaming continues]
PER. CELL: That's right, keep it coming, boy! I want a *real* fight this time!
TRUNKS: Don't you worry! I'll show you just how much stronger I am than my father!
PER. CELL: Your fathe--?
Oh, no, I'm sorry, I wasn't being specific. I'm referring to the *last* time we met.
Of course you wouldn't remember, because you weren't there. (Chuckle)
I mean, you were, buuuuttt~...
TRUNKS: GET TO THE POINT!
PER. CELL: Alright kiddo, tell me: What do you know about time travel?
TRUNKS: Less than I should...
PER. CELL: Well, how do you suppose I got here?
TRUNKS: Well, my Time Machine, obviously.
PER. CELL: Ya-huh; and *how* do you think I *got* said Time Machine?
[⚠]
TRUNKS: ...I don't wanna answer that...
PER. CELL: Here's the thing: Multiverse theory's a *bitch*.
Fact is, you - or at least, another you - traveled to the past, saved the world, came back to your future, and finally defeated the Androids.
Congratulations, son. You *won*!
TRUNKS: But wait, then when did you--
PER. CELL: So you decided to *celebrate*!
Head back to the past, get your hair ruffled, and finally get that *thumbs up* from daddy dearest!
But you made one. Fatal. Mistake.
You took away what was *mine*!
[Flashback Trunks screaming]
Unfortunately, I couldn't fit in your Time Machine,
so I had to revert to my larval stage, made the trip to a year before *you* showed up, burrowed underground for four years, and w-well... the rest is history.
TRUNKS: Then... you're here...!
PER. CELL: Because of *you*!
But please don't beat yourself up. (Chuckle)
You're just a child, playing hero... complete with spandex.
TRUNKS: And you are just another mistake that I have to correct.
[Powering up (yes, he's still at it!)]
[Cell chuckles (again)]
[Trunks continues to yell (*again*)] [Well, this is based on DBZ after all]
PER. CELL: I'm impressed! Behind all that angst and ridiculous hair, there's a real fighter!
TRUNKS: And behind all that insufferable smarm is a *dead man*!
PER. CELL: Trunks... you couldn't fathom the amount of dead men behind me!
16: Go, unreasonably buff bird!
TRUNKS: Now that might not have done a lot of damage...
but *damn* did it feel good!
PER. CELL: Oh-ho-ho~? Am I sensing an iota of pride?
Guess the apple doesn't fall far if ya *shake* the tree hard enough!
TRUNKS: That snark isn't going to save you while I'm taking you apart.
If you haven't noticed, I've LITERALLY got you against the wall.
PER. CELL: And don't think I don't appreciate the effort.
By a wide margin, you're packing more of a wallop than daddy ever did!
However...
However... you will never...
However... you will never... *ever*...
However... you will never... *ever*... defeat me with that form.
GOHAN [off-screen]: But why? It's so *strong*!
GOKU: Oh yeah! In raw power, it can't be beat.
But the amount of concentrated energy causes an extreme expansion in mass. The body can't compensate.
And while you'll see a fifty percent power increase, you'll see a seventy-five percent *de*crease in speed AND mobility.
You'd never hit your opponent. [Wait, hold the phone...]
[...did Goku just give Gohan a lesson that requires critical thinking?!]
GOHAN: Did-did you...? [...did Goku just give Gohan a lesson that requires critical thinking?!]
What just...?
GOKU: Whoop, sorry! Was thinkin' about fightin'. [By discussing the Square-Cube Law and how E=MC^2 can affect?!]
GOHAN: I'm not sure what just happened. [I think you found out where your nerd side came from...somehow]
GOKU: Silly Gohan! In a lame-man's terms:
PER. CELL: You.
PER. CELL: You. Can't.
PER. CELL: You. Can't. Hit me.
TRUNKS: Then what do you call the last five minutes?!
PER. CELL: Pity...
TRUNKS: Hrrrgh!
16: Trunks! Do not worry! He is just playing you.
[Perfect Cell hums to himself under Trunks' ineffectual onslaught]
Correction: He's *been* playing you.
TRUNKS: Why?! T-*how*?!
PER. CELL: Because you're green.
TRUNKS: ...Wait, you mean...
PER. CELL: No, not like me you idiot; as in, you're a novice, an amateur!
You're surrounded by fighters who have seen more action in a week than you've seen in your ENTIRE LIFE.
Hell, at your age, Goku had defeated an entire army, several demons, and sent a rabbit to the moon! [Dragon Ball was a weird series sometimes.]
TRUNKS: Did... did you make that last one u--?
PER. CELL: And the worst part of it is, that form isn't even new. Watch.
"Look at me, I'm Trunks! Please love me Daaaad~!"
See? Anyone can do it.
TRUNKS: ...That's a terrible impression.
16 [o-s]: But not inaccurate!
TRUNKS: Why are you still here?!
PER. CELL: For God's sake, I bet even your *father* can do it; he's just not stupid enough to try!
And as we've seen today, that threshold is vast...
Now, how about you come on down, stop using that useless form...
...and quit wasting everyone's time?
Jeez, I can't tell which is more shattered; your father's body or your spirit...
TRUNKS: Just get it over with and kill me already...
PER. CELL: Whoa, and spirit it is! Seriously bucko, way to bring down the mood.
TRUNKS: Is this all just a game to you?!
PER. CELL: A game? Hardly.
If this were a game, I'd be having fun... or killing Goku.
Now *that* sounds like a good time.
16: That still doesn't make us friends!
PER. CELL: I'M TRYING, SIXTEEN!
TRUNKS: Fine! Go ahead. Fight Goku.
But when he wins, and when YOU DIE...
NOBODY... is going to remember you. [What's up with that gesture?]
PER. CELL: Huh...
Alright; change of plans.
Turn that frown upside-down, boy scout! You're not dying today.
TRUNKS: What in the...? WHY?
PER. CELL: Careful, junior; don't want that gift horse to *bite you*!
You've just given me an idea is all. What *would* I accomplish killing you here?
No... the whole world needs to see what it's created.
TRUNKS: Oh, what the *hell* are you planning now?!
PER. CELL: *My revolution*...
Go take care of your daddy. And make sure to check the news!
The Bot Who Asks the Real Questions (aka 16) [o-s]: ...WHAT CHANNEL?!
[♫ Closing theme (DBZ intermission) ♫]
KRILLIN: Well, time to see how well Senzu beans do with a broken spine!
VEGETA: (Groans)
{GULP}
(Gasp) Where am I?! What happened?!
KRILLIN: You *may* have blacked out a little bit...
VEGETA: But I'm still alive! H-he must have realized his mistake and run away...
(Slight chuckle) KRILLIN: Dude, c'mon, it's just me.
VEGETA: I... I don't get it... I trained so hard... I reached a new level...! And yet...!
KRILLIN: *Trust* me man, I get you. I mean, my neck's still stiff from earlier.
VEGETA: (Sniff)... Heh.
KRILLIN: I mean, if I had a dime for every time I had my ass kicked, I might not be in crippling debt! (Laughing) [This scene would have been laughable back in the early episodes...]
VEGETA: (Laughing) [This scene would have been laughable back in the early episodes...]
VEGETA: (Laughing) KRILLIN: But, but if I had gotten a beat down like that, man, [BTW, how is *less than $5* "crippling debt"??]
VEGETA: (Laughing) KRILLIN: I would've hung up my gloves,
VEGETA: (Calms down) KRILLIN: my blue spandex,
VEGETA: Hnnn! KRILLIN: and my ridiculously pointy hair!
Hahaha, ah-ha, ah--
heeeyy you're not laughing anymore...! [Well that didn't last long...]
{THUMP} {DING}
[Krillin's usual noises]
Could I get a dime for that?
TRUNKS: Um... hey... um, if you liked the video, please like and subscribe...
And uh... uh... check out... the gaming channel? Uh, they're... playing Doom! Um...
Oh! And, uh, the Tenkaichi Ironman Budokai Abridgathon. Where you can be the best abridger ever! Uh, maybe... I guess...?
Sorry... I guess it's just a little weird that I'm not... *dead*...
Oh, uh, they also have a patreon... and... shirts over on sharkrobot.com... huh...
Well, uh... if you don't mind me, I'm gonna go uh... I'm gonna go have a sit.
{MLB}