LANIPATOR: Hey there, everyone, I'm Lanipator.
We here at Team Four Star have always promoted supporting the official release.
It's the best way to make sure we'll be able to continue to enjoy all the great shows we know and love,
and thanks to our friends over at Crunchyroll,
supporting the official release has never been easier.
Through Crunchyroll, you can stream episodes of Jojo's Bizarre Adventure, Drifters, Keijo,
and yes, Dragon Ball Super just hours after they air over in the Land of the Rising Sun.
So head on over to crunchyroll.com/teamfourstar now to begin your free trial.
Because as we've said at the beginning of every episode...
[Gohan reading disclaimer to the sounds of bed-rocking from his parents' room]
[WARNING: These subtitles contain added awesomeness. If you want the clean captions, please select the English option. Ta-ta~]
[BTW, Chi-Chi's still putting the Energizer Rabbit to shame. Just as well Goku's a Super Saiyan, eh? ;)]
[It also makes for good "stamina training" (as Vegeta would call it)]
KRILLIN: Man, it feels like years since you and I just went fishing and chilled out. [Well yeah, between him having kids, both of you dying, and everything else]
And of all times, right before a tournament to decide the fate of the world...
...weird how stuff works out, am I right? [The one time I agree with Krillin]
GOKU: Nobody knows, Krillin. [Wait, what now?]
KRILLIN: Huh?
GOKU: Nobody knows the weight on my shoulders. [What kinda weight we talking here?]
I feel it... every day. [Probably in your anus]
Before I go to bed, when I wake up in the morning...
Sometimes, I wonder...
...can I do this ? [This sounds personal]
KRILLIN: Wow, I, uh...
...I had no idea this Cell stuff was getting to you so badly. [Oh...]
GOKU: Cell stuff?
I'm talking about Chi-Chi. [Not surprised]
KRILLIN: Chi-Chi? [Only if you knew....]
GOKU: She's been non-stop!
Ever since I got out of the Chamber,
in and out, day in and day out! [What?]
She'll send Gohan for groceries five counties over in the middle of the day just to get him out of the house! [what?]
KRILLIN: You... know you can say "no", right? [Would that honestly stop her?] (Probably not no)
GOKU: Well, duh!
But it's a *challenge*, Krillin! [YOU ARE A SUPER SAIYAN!] (Our Idoit Hero: Sex=A Challenge...)
And I never back down from a challenge. (...somehow)
...Also, it feels really good! [As to be expected]
Have you ever tried it?
KRILLIN: Like... with a real person? [I.E. Anyone besides Rosie Palms]
GOHAN: Hey, Dad?
Mom sent me to tell you to come home.
She also told me to pick up a lot of... peanut butter? (kinky AF)
GOKU: Krillin...
KRILLIN: Look, if you're asking me to tag in, I'm willing but— [It's Krillen time!]
GOKU: Wha... NO!
Catch more fish while I'm gone! [Yeah Krillin, pound that Tuna in honor of Goku!]
KRILLIN: Oh, duh! Of course, like that'd ever work... [Butt Monkey knows his place, after all]
GOKU: Yeah, no, it...
...but if you had a wig... [Goku X Krillin]
[♫ "Cha-La Head-Cha-La" ♫]
♫ CHA-LA HEAD-CHA-LA ♫
♫ Egao urutora zetto de ♫ (With a smile that’s Ultra-Z)
♫ Kyô mo ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~ ♫ (Even today is ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~)
♫ Sparking! [fading echo] ♫
[Crowd cheering on TV] PRESENTER [on TV]: And now, introducing your World Martial Arts Champion,
the strongest man on the planet...
Misteeeeeer...
SATAAAAAAN! [Perhaps to second greatest hypeman, behind Reecome himself]
[Satan theme playing] [Crowd cheers]
YAMCHA: Wait... Martial Arts Champion--?
Uh, did we miss a tournament?!
ROSHI: Yeah... there was one last month.
KRILLIN: Damn it, we were busy training for the Androids! [TO SAVE THE WORLD YEAH!]
ROSHI: What do either of you care?
YAMCHA and KRILLIN [o-s]:Prize money.
[Totally worth the destruction of Earth]
PRESENTER: Mr. Satan, what do you have to say to your opponent?
SATAN: Now you listen here, "Cell".
I know why you gave everyone a week to prepare for your little tournament!
It's so you could spend the last seven days on Earth prayin'...
that MR. SATAN WOULDN'T SHOW UP! [He literally killed like a dozen cities, the fuck would you do?]
[Crowd cheers]
So after I SELL OUT,
[Crowd cheers]
and drink my HETAP, [Man I'd kill for a Hetap #Cellgames]
[Crowd cheers]
AND F*** MY HOT ASIAN WIFE...! [Any relation to Chi-Chi?]
[Crowd cheers]
I'm gonna squash you *therecordcompanysgonnagivemelotsofmoneyandeverythingsgonna*
I'm gonna squash you like the bug... *...BE...*
I'm gonna squash you like the bug... you... *...BE... ALL...*
I'm gonna squash you like the bug... you... are. *...BE... ALL... RIGHT.*
PRESENTER [on TV]: Mr. Satan, everybody!
YAMCHA: So... do they know what's going on with his name, or— [Whaduya think Yamcha?]
CROWD: HAIL SATAN! [Hail Hydra]
CROWD: HAIL SATAN! HAIL SATAN! [It's Hydra you idiots]
CROWD: HAIL SATAN! HAIL SATAN! HAIL SATAN! [Hydraists confirmed]
YAMCHA: ...okay, yeah, they know. CROWD: HAIL SATAN! HAIL SATAN! HAIL SATAN! HAIL SATAN!
[pop!]
GOKU: Guys! I need help with my hot Asian wife! [~OHH MYYY]{King Kai: Takei! I swear to me!}
HOT ASIAN WIFE: Who told you you could LEAVE THE BEDROOM?! [That ass is her's]
HOT ASIAN WIFE'S BITCH [whispering]: Guys... don't tell her I'm here...! [A bit late for that Goku]
JOURNALIST [o-s]: This is bullshit, man!
This is suicide...!
CREW LEADER: Dude, pull your balls out of your purse, and do your job.
JOURNALIST: Okay, *that's* sexist as hell! [How?]
CREW LEADER: Yeah, it's sexist. [Do explain]
And do you know what's standing out there? [A bug-man.]
A Pulitzer! Now go get it! [That's wrong, surely?]
JOURNALIST: Uh, um, uh... hello.
BUG-MAN: Hello, there! How may I help you?
JOURNALIST: W-well... M-Mr. Cell!
M-MR. CELL: Oh, please now... don't be so formal.
Call me "Perfect Cell".
JOURNALIST: Uh... okay, Perfect Cell—
PERFECT CELL: MISTER Perfect Cell!
JOURNALIST: M-M-Mr. Perfect Cell! [Good job, you get to live a little longer]
Can you tell the audience where you are and who you came from?
I-I-I mean---
M-M-MR. PERFECT CELL: No, actually, an *apt* choice of words.
As for the "where", this is the immaculate Cell Games Arena. [Which, despite the journalist, is still dry...]
As for "who", well... hmph.
Let me weave you the tale of my origin. [DBZA Abridged version, Thanks Mr. Perfect Cell]
Though I must preface that it does drag on in places, so I'll try to minimize the filler. [Remember Garlic Jr?]
[Whimsical music] Now... our story begins as many stories often do:
With a young girl shooting a little boy in the face. [Yes, Goku's first canon enemy was *Bulma*]
GOKU: (Yawning)
KRILLIN: You, uh... okay, buddy?
You look exhausted.
GOKU: Uh-huh... I didn't get a wink last night. [Must be all that "stamina training" ;)]
Chi-Chi keeps trying to break my record of nine times. [Super Saiyans are certified for porn]
"Go for ten," she yells...
"GO for TEN!" [Is that why his name Goten?]
KRILLIN: I feel like a man dying of thirst watching another man drown. [A.K.A. anyone on a small deserted island]
GOKU: Well, you know what they say:
A Saiyan gets stronger every time he comes... [Well, it is called "la petite mort" for a reason...]
(Yawn)
...back from the brink of death. [Oh, nevermind.]
KRILLIN: Well, where is she now?
GOKU [o-s]: She's looking for something in the other room.
CHI-CHI: 'Come on, I know we had another bottle of it somewhere around here.'
'I will use canola oil if I have—' [Is she "experimenting"]
GHOST: Boo! [thud!]
CHI-CHI: Ow! Damn ghosts!
KRILLIN: So why don't you just...
...I don't know, "strategically withdraw"?
GOKU: No can do.
She said she needs ALL of it.( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
KRILLIN: I MEANT, just disappear for a little bit to recharge your...
..."batteries". [That thing Cooler kicked]
GOKU: Well, it is strategy...
...but we can't use the back door. [~OOHHHH MYYYYY]
Chi-Chi says I'm not allowed to anymore. [Go in from the roof]
[Awkward Silence is Awkward]
KAMI: 'You should talk to him.'
PICCOLO: 'What? Why would I?'
NAIL: 'Because you could *both* use more friends.' [I mean he's not wrong]
PICCOLO: 'I am TERRIBLE at small talk.'
KAMI: 'And you're never going to get better unless you try.'
'Now, go on...'
PICCOLO: So... uh...
TRUNKS: Huh? PICCOLO: So... uh...
...do you hate your dad? [Damn]
TRUNKS: Uhh...
KAMI: '*Wow*'. TRUNKS: Uhh...
KAMI: 'You were not wrong.'
TERRIBLE AT SMALL TALK: 'SEE'?!
TRUNKS: (Sigh) You know, I wouldn't say I hate him. [I'd say he hates you]
I guess I'm mostly just disappointed. [Just like Vegeta]
He's the single most frustrating man I've ever met. [Have you seen Broly?]
Heh... but you know dads, right?
PICCOLO: Goku killed mine. [Double damn]
TRUNKS: Oh... geez, uh...
S-sorry, I—
NAIL: 'Oh, perfect! He's just as bad as you are.'
[pop!]
GOKU: Please tell me nobody here wants a piece of me.
TRUNKS: Uhh, well, when Dad's out of the Chamber, he'll probably want a swing at you.
GOKU: I *knew it*! [And so began their fusion nights]
GOHAN: Why did you bring us both along?
GOKU: Because if your mother questioned you,
you'd *talk*. [Wait, did he just...]
GOHAN: Yeah, I would... [...yes, he did. :O]
KRILLIN: So, Piccolo,
how's the Time Chamber?
PICCOLO: I don't want to talk about it. [Translation: He fantasized about Cell]
KRILLIN: Yeaaaah, probably not going to bother going in myself. [Why would you?]
At this point, either you guys can beat Cell or you can't.(Or scream at him until his ear explodes, happened to most fans alredy.
No use risking my life without the reset button on hand. [Our point exactly]
GOHAN: Wow... I hadn't even thought about that.
We live in a world without Dragon Balls now!
TRUNKS [sarcastic]: Oh, yeah. That sounds terrible... I'm so sorry. [Came from a world without dragon balls]
GOHAN: It's alright. We'll manage. [You precious child]
TRUNKS: ...I can't be mad at you. [Why thank you, Brock!]
GOKU: I don't get it. Why can't you just make us some new Dragon Balls, Piccolo?
PICCOLO: Because, Goku, I'm from the warrior clan. *Kami* was from the dragon clan.
One punches people; the other makes Dragon Balls. [Seems superficial, and complicated]
GOHAN: Wait, but you two come from the same pers—
PICCOLO: *So*, if you want Dragon Balls, you need another Namekian.
GOHAN [o-s]: ...uh, oh... PICCOLO: *So*, if you want Dragon Balls, you need another Namekian.
KRILLIN: What about New Namek?
I bet there's a whole gaggle of Namekians who can make us a new set.
PICCOLO: We'd have to *find* New Namek first, and who knows where that is! [You don't know where your people are?]
[pop!] [Wait.., did he just]
Also, "gaggle"?
KRILLIN: Well, what would you call them?
A pod of Namekians? ...A pride?
PICCOLO: A cornucopia. What do you call a group of humans?
POPO: An infestation. [Subject to extermination] [KEK]
PICCOLO: Point is, without a Namekian from the dragon clan,
we aren't getting any Dragon Ball—
[pop!] [High-pitched squealing]
ALL: Huh?! [High-pitched squealing] [HOW DID HE KNOW!]
[High-pitched squealing]
Child Kidnapper: Is this a dragon whatsit?
DENDE: WHERE AM I?!
WHO ARE YOU?!
WHERE'S MY FAMILY?!
[Sultry jazz music] [GILF]
[Sultry jazz music] [Gohan I'd like to fuck]
...Hey. [Sultry jazz music]
MR. PERFECT CELL: And so it turns out...
...he was an alien the whole time!
JOURNALIST: *Whoa*! I did not see that coming! [Me neither, dufus]
MR. PERFECT CELL: Right?! So,
two more Saiyans show up a year later—
JOURNALIST: Wait, what about Goku's brother? [Who gives a shit?]
MR. PERFECT CELL: Oh, he died. [Exactly. :P]
Anyway...
Enter: Vegeta. Now... [Sums up the rest of DBZ(A) with just a name and brief description]
(Chuckle), strap yourself in for this cartoon character! [Sums up the rest of DBZ(A) with just a name and brief description]
[Bulma and her Dr. Briefs doing the one thing useful at the moment]
BULMA: Hey, Dad? Can you come take a look at this?
DR. BRIEFS: What is it, pumpkin? Find Gero's *porn stash*~? [Fat Android on Saiyan action? Please no...]
BULMA: No! I mean...
...ugh, maybe?
I found this hidden folder. [usually contains the porn]
It was completely inaccessible to him, and it's full of incomplete and corrupted files.
But there's one undamaged video here.
DR. BRIEFS: Well, then, open 'er up!
Also, 5,000 zeni says it's interracial.
BULMA: Ugh...
DR. BRIEFS [o-s]: Oh, *now* you find it gross!
???: May 12th, 750... 4:30 PM.
Red Ribbon HQ.
BULMA: Wait... why does that date sound familiar?
???: Hey, Dad. I, uh...
I'm here at headquarters, getting everything put away.
No bunkmate, so...
...room to myself...
...which is good for a guy my size.
Heh... (sniff)
Well, uh...
I just wanted to, you know... record something for you, since
you and Uncle Frap are busy building robot guys and stuff.
I know you're calling them "artificial humans" now, but...
that name is way too long.
I mean, what about "cyborg"?
Like, from that movie we saw?
Hm.
Well, uh... just wanted you to know that I...
miss you, Dad.
[Alarms blaring] miss you, Dad.
[Alarms blaring] What the—
SOLDIER [o-s]: Hey, get your ass moving!
SOLDIER [o-s]: Some *thing* is tearing its way through the compound!
KID GOKU [o-s]: Kaaa... SOLDIER [o-s]: Some *thing* is tearing its way through the compound!
KID GOKU [o-s]: meee... SOLDIER [o-s]: We've gotta go!
KID GOKU [o-s]: meee... ???: Uhh... okay, sorry about this, Dad.
KID GOKU [o-s]: haaa... ???: Uhh... okay, sorry about this, Dad.
KID GOKU [o-s]: meee... ???: Got to run. Love you.
KID GOKU [o-s]: HAAAAAAAAAAAA! ???: Good luck with your cybor—
[Static]
[Another great character moment from TFS]
BULMA: ...*Jesus*! [Gero's hatred is no longer misplaced]
DR. BRIEFS: Yeah, that's a hell of a bomb to drop.
BULMA: Oh. That reminds me.
I also found this. [Dear DENDE!]
DR. BRIEFS: Huh.
At least Gero was consistent.
BULMA: By the way, you owe me 5,000 zeni.
DR. BRIEFS [o-s]: Ah, daughter of a bastard! [Isn't that you though?]
PICCOLO [o-s]: ...and that's why we need you, Dende.
DENDE: Okay, let me just clarify what has happened:
THAT asshole—
THAT ASSHOLE [o-s]: Name's Goku!
DENDE: —literally kidnapped me from across the entire galaxy, with neither my knowledge or consent,
just so you could make me mystic you up a new set of Dragon Balls,
because you are all a cavalcade of f*ck-ups. [Better name for a group of Nemakians]
Did I miss anything?
PICCOLO: Well, we missed you. [Bullshit]
DENDE: Good. No, great, that's great!
And what do I get out of this? Going to make me your king?
KRILLIN: Well, can't do that; King's a dog.
But we can make you God, though!
DENDE: The f*ck's a god? [You by the end of the episode]
I mean, what the f*ck's a dog?! [A adorable compainon]
I MEAN, WHAT THE f*ck?!
POPO: As the creator of the Dragon Balls, you shall assume the throne of Kami, Guardian of this planet.
Nobody is thankful, there are no days off, and no one ever visits.
DENDE: Ugh, sounds like being a parent... [I mean, it kinda is]
Fine. I graciously accept the position of your almighty God.
TRUNKS: So then you'll help us?
KAMI DENDE: No, bowlcut! I'm going to help Gohan. [Wait, I thought you liked the bowlcut? Gohan had one...]
Speaking of whom... lovin' the new 'do, Gohan. [Well nevermind then]
Rockin' that blond.
GOHAN: Oh! Uh... thanks!
Super Saiyan style, you know?
LITTLE GREEN STEWIE: De-hee-lightful.
And, uh, have you been hitting the gym? 'Cause, uh...
(Whistle)
PICCOLO [o-s]: Ow! (Whistle)
LITTLE GREEN STEWIE: That hurt me more than it hurt you.
PICCOLO: Okay, I'm all for awkward reunions, but we are on a timetable here.
How long will it take to make a new Dragon?
KAMI DENDE: Uh, depends. Do you have the original sculpture around?
POPO: Here it is. We were using it as a paperweight.
Which reminds me: We'll need to go over the contract later. [There are contracts to being god, who knew]
KAMI DENDE: Wow, that's your Dragon?
Our Dragon would literally wear him like a scarf. [#ShenronvsPorunga2018]
Okay, before I get started: Any alterations?
PICCOLO: Can we get three wishes?
KAMI DENDE: Not if you want multi-res.
I can give you two, though.
PICCOLO: Seems like an... awkward number.
KAMI DENDE: It's a magical wish-granting dragon, Nail! I don't make the rules! [But aren't you from the Dragon Clan?]
Now... let us begin.
KRILLIN [o-s]: Man, all this lore we're learning today, and we even get to see a new Dragon being made!
This is going to be awes—
KAMI DENDE: HEY, DRAGON, WAKE THE F*CK UP!
IT'S ALREADY PAST NOON! GET YOUR *LIFE* TOGETHER!
[Harsh Dende]
[Not his fault he can't get up that early]
[He relies on Kami and the other Dragon Clan Namekians]
[He doesn't need you condesending him the first chance you get]
[#LeaveShinronAlone]
By the way, two wishes means I had to nix immortality.
Better that way—nobody pulling any more of that Freeza *shit*.
GOHAN: Huh. I wonder if that'll upset Vegeta. [Of course it will]
Wait,
did you say he's still in the Chamber?
TRUNKS: Yeah, why?
GOHAN [o-s]: It's been three days!
POPO: Oh, I muted the time dilation in the Chamber.
One day out here is now one day in there.
GOHAN: You can do that?! [Popo is almighty]
Why did you do that?!
POPO: Because f*ck'im. [Typical Popo logic XD]
KAMI DENDE: You really like screwin' with people, don't cha?
POPO: Mm.
Of course, his first mistake was going in alone.
PICCOLO: Why? Is that... bad?
CRAZY: They called me crazy...
THEY ALL CALLED ME CRAZY
for letting him achieve his perfect form!
Well, guess what?
I'm going to get out of here!
I'M GOING TO BE SO MUCH STRONGER!
NO ONE WILL BE ABLE TO STOP ME! ESPECIALLY CELL!
RIGHT, NAPPA?!
WILSON/"NAPPA": ...
[Clunk] WILSON/"NAPPA": ...
[LMAO] WILSON/"NAPPA": ...
VEGETA: How...
HOW DARE YOU?!
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHH—!! [RAGE LEVEL IS OVER NINE THOUSAAAAAANNNNNN--]
["Nappa" sure did a number on him, eh? :P]
Showed him. ["Nappa" sure did a number on him, eh? :P]
MR. PERFECT CELL: So after everything,
he just starts *crying*!
JOURNALIST: Wow... like a *bitch*!
MR. PERFECT CELL: And that's what Freeza said!
...Before he killed him.
But, sadly, Vegeta does come back.
JOURNALIST: Dragon Balls, right.
By the way, does the fat green one come back?
'Cause he's funny.
MR. PERFECT CELL: (Scoffs) I wish! [Oh don't worry, he's been reincarnated...]
GOKU: Hey, Chi-Chi?
Please don't be upset, but—
CHI-CHI: What is it, sweetheart? ["The fuck do you want?]
GOKU: I'm throwing in the towel.
I am *tapped*.
Like, boned dry.
You know in those cartoons where the guy in the desert finds a faucet,
and it just comes out like...
[puff!] [ When it's so good, you don't know when to stop]
*That* is me.
That is my balls.
And speaking of balls, I need to go find a dragon's. [That's disgusting]
CHI-CHI: Oh, Goku darling, that's fine!
I took a test this morning.
I'm already pregnant!
GOKU: ...
GOKU: ...HOW?! [Super Saiyan sperm speeds the process]
DR. BRIEFS: And so I told him, "Pull your pants up, man,"
"I'm not that kind of doctor!"
[pop!] GOKU: Bulma!
Sex makes babies! [Somewhere, Luffy is having a panic attack]
[Baby Trunks acts adorably]
BULMA: ...I'm well aware. ["Vegeta went Super Saiyan on me too"]
GOKU: Also, I need the Dragon Radar.
BULMA [o-s]: Tool cabinet in the back, third drawer.
GOKU: Awesome!
Bee-tee-dubs, we have Dragon Balls again.
Bye!
BULMA: Wait, we didn't have Dragon Balls?
[pop!] BULMA: Wait, we didn't have Dragon Balls?
{BZZZ}
[pop!] GOKU: Oh, and Chi-Chi's pregnant.
BULMA: Oh my God, congratulations!
DENDE'S AMATEUR LAWYER: Okay, so Article Five says that atrocities can *and will* be committed in your name...
...but you can't do anything about it.
KAMI DENDE: Awesome. But, question:
Do I have to answer all of these prayers?
DENDE'S AMATEUR LAWYER: Well, technically, you don't have to answer any of them.
KAMI DENDE: Oh, thank God!
Or I guess I should start saying...
me. [Narcissism rears its head once again]
GOHAN: That does raise the question...
Which do you prefer:
Kami, God, or Dende?
WHATEVER GOHAN LIKES: Oh, Gohan,
you can call me whatever you like.
POPO: Well, I'm going to call you Little Green.
LITTLE GREEN: Your funeral.
[Oh God why?!] {KILL IT WITH FIRE!}
POPO: *I like you*. [It will either be my BFF or bitch...]
KRILLIN: Don't feel bad, Mr. Popo.
I'm his best friend, so that means only *I* can call him Little Green,
right, Little Gree—
OOF! [Yeah, no. :P]
DENDE DAIMAO: You will call me Dende! [That was satisfying. :D]
DENDE!
SAY IT!
Say my name! [Pecking Order]
DENDE'S BITCH: Dende! [About fucking time, too!]
DENDE'S BITCH: Dende! DENDE! [About fucking time, too!]
DENDE: No...
*Super Kami Dende*. [Guru Incarnate]
[DBZ intermission (post-commercial)]
MR. PERFECT CELL: So after I finished humiliating the entire Saiyan royal bloodline,
I made my newsroom debut, delivered my immaculate address,
and now... here we are.
Any more questions?
JOURNALIST: Yeah, um...
were the parts about fake Namek and that Maron girl really necessary to the story?
MR. PERFECT CELL: It's called "world-building".
JOURNALIST: Right...
...um, last question:
*How* did you know about the parts you weren't there for?
MR. PERFECT CELL: Ah, that's a story for another time, I'm afraid.
But for now, I must bid you adieu.
JOURNALIST: Oh.
Well, thank you for your time, Perfect Cell.
[Energy blast] [Screams of indescribable anguish]
PISSED BUG-MAN: MISTER... Perfect Cell. [Yep, the answer to that question @ 4:06 WASN'T "a Pulitzer". XD]
[So much for that award... Sub guy 2: Fuck Cell man]
KAISERNEKO: Hi there, I'm KaiserNeko!
If you want to see more from us, click any of the fine annotations on the screen.
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