[Disclaimer read by Desperate Journalist]
[Welcome to community joke hell. Sit back, relax, and please realize none of this bonus commentary is official in any way. You're welcome.]
JIMMY FIRECRACKER: Ladies and gentlemen at home...
Mr. Satan... *our champion*...
*IS DEAD*!! [Oh wow, who saw that coming?]
[Doesn't this make Videl a legit orphan like Cell said last episode ?]
[Crime noises and scenes from King Piccolo saga] [Well that escalated quickly]
[OMG IS THAT PLANET THAILAND ?]
[HOW DARE YOU BREAK PLANET THAILAND !!!]
POLICEMAN [via loudspeaker]: Please go back to your homes, and stay there peacefully! [Ben has a voice that even Cell thinks is perfect]
VEGETA [off-screen]: AAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! [That's my new ringtone for my ex.]
MR. SATAN: What happened...? [Oh god, he's still alive..]
Did I kill him...? [HAHAHAHA, you wish.]
Did my punch destroy the ring?! [Not even if Dende blessed you to do so]
...Is this MY blood? [In literally every dream you have- yes]
GOKU: Oh good, he's alive! [WHAT PART OF THAT IS GOOD !!?]
VEGETA: One thing... I wanted ONE THING today! [YOU, What about the rest of us.]
PICCOLO: What about killing Cell? [What 𝒂𝒃𝒐𝒖𝒕 it?]
VEGETA: Would you believe me if I said this was more important? [Don't we all want him to die?]
TIEN: I'd be shocked otherwise. [Literally every viewer]
MR. SATAN: [Drooling like the dumbass that he is]
JF: Mr. Satan...! [Translation: Oh shit, he didn't die?]
D-did you die? [Yeah pretty sure his heart stopped . . . twice]
If so, you have officially beaten Jesus' respawn time! [A respawn time of about three days.]
Can you tell us what happened out there!? [Give him a minute he has a "stomach ache"]
MR. SATAN: Magnets... [Maggy?]
JF: How does that work? [It doesn't]
MR. SATAN: They put magnets under the ring; the tiles, and uhh... [Who the f*ck would buy this ?]
when I went for my punch, I must've--they must've turned it on, [Yeah no, no way anyone will buy into this]
and I went flyin' cuz of all the iron in my blood, cuz I eat muh spinach. [wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey] [Insert Popeye The Sailor Man quote here]
[What kind of dumbass would take that at face-val--]
BYSTANDER: That makes sense! [oh, right. 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 dumbass.] [*CoughShutupGrantcough*]
[♫ "Cha-La Head-Cha-La" ♫]
♫ CHA-LA HEAD-CHA-LA ♫
Comment #CellGames for a chance to meet cell.... 𝒊𝒏 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒅𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒎𝒔
♫ Egao urutora zetto de ♫ (With a smile that’s Ultra-Z)
♫ Kyô mo ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~ ♫ (Even today is ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~) [who writes these lyrics?]
♫ Sparking! [fading echo] ♫
MR. PERFECT CELL: Alright, now that the back of my hand is all warmed up, who's first? [Who do you *think*? Goku's hot asian wife?]
GOKU: Guys, don't freak out. [Bitch, the entire world just threw a hissy fit, a little too late for that!]
Mr. Satan may have lost, but you've got *another* World Champion right here!
TIEN: Technically, we have two. [Three, actually. Then again, the old geezer is... well... just an old geezer these days.]
GOKU: Yeah, but I beat you, so does it still count? [Gonna rub that in some more?]
TIEN: Of course it does!
VEGETA: DOES it though, Triclops? [he kinda has a point...goku not vegeta]
TRICLOPS: And how many tournaments have *you* won?[do arlean executions count.]
VEGETA: I dunno; how many PLANETS have you blown up?
TIEN: None. [yet...]
How many Gokus have you beaten? [Technically one, but the Prince doesn't count that pre-Freeza battle.]
GOKU: Can I fight now? [Itchin'?]
VEGETA [o-s]: YES! TIEN [o-s]: YES.
MR. PER. CELL: Getting right down to it, are we? [Just like Goku's hot Asian wife.]
A bit out-of-character. [Eh, we-- I mean-- he's been waiting a year and seven days.]
Shan't you send in your entourage, one after the other, so as I may leave *you* for our Grand Finale?
GOKU: Well, I mean, I already waited a week, so I 𝒈𝒖𝒆𝒔𝒔 I could wait a couple more minutes--
MR. PER. CELL: NO, NO NO, this is good! [Cell scared?] [Awe , Cell can't wait to get his jaw line fisted by Goku.]
Called my bluff. [So you're perfect but you'd suck ass at poker ... noted]
No, I'm more than happy to skip the hors-d'oeuvres and dive straight into the main course! [Where's that muffin button when you need it !?]
GOKU: Now you're speaking my language. [AKA Foodium]
JF: Ladies and gentlemen! [and Piccolo (he's dickless and reproduces asexually)]
This hillbilly orangutan has entered the ring! Set to take on Mr. Perfect Cell!
MR. SATAN: I would advise all parents to remove their children from the room immediately! [As long as they changed the rating to TV-MA] [Fighter discretion is advised- this mean's you Vegeta]
And to tune back in when I, MR. SATAN, [Didn't you lose? Like, you got ringed out..] {Correct. Can't go back in now; that's not how the rules work, Jackass!}
Get back in that ring, and show that trickster what-for! [Where's Dende when ya' need him?] {THAT'S NOT HOW THE RULES WORK, JACKASS...AND DON'T SAY YOU HAVE MONEY} (I mean we could ask whis to get you a rematch)
Right after I shake off this concussion. [And drink my HETAP]
And also stretch. [And drink my HETAP]
Stretching is important, kids. [So is HETAP] {I'll kill you for that HETAP} (I'll fuck your hot asian wife)
GHh-h...!
MR. PER. CELL: *Holy crap*, Prince, do you feel that!? [Krillin: I TASTE THAT]
PRINCE: F**k off!
MR. PER. CELL: And he didn't even have to pump up, like some roiding, angsty child!
ROIDING, ANGSTY CHILD: Hurrghh...!
MR. PER. CELL: Well, Goku, now that you've shown me yours...
let me show you mine( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ) . [Oh my~] [Shut up, Takei!]
GOKU: Yeah, whip out your power, cell! [Is that what they call it these days?]
Let me feel it! [OH MY~]
MR. PER. CELL: Oohoooh! Now you're speaking MY language! [AKA Inuendium]
JF [o-s]: Mr. Satan, they are engulfed in FLAMES! [So Saiyans blaze and vampires sparkle. Interesting.]
DUMBASS IN DENIAL: Fire-retardant clothes, obviously! [You mean the same retardant used in your head?]
And their bodies are covered in a thin, protective gel! [I pray he doesn't mean what I think he means...]
Just like our stuntman, Morgan, from Skygina II. [Yup, he meant what I thought and more.]
God rest his soul! [Pretty sure Beerus has no mercy.] {The Kai's probably already hate him to}
JF [o-s]: What happened to him?! [Lemme guess, HIV?]
MR. SATAN [o-s]: AIDS. [ . . . close enough. . .probably got it from Mr. Satan]
JF [o-s]: Always wear a rubber, kids!
MR. SATAN [o-s]: And don't share needles. {And drink HETAP.}
[Now I know! And knowing is half the battle!]
MR. PER. CELL: So, you gonna take a swing? [I mean, you both look like swingers to me #Dadjokes]
Or you just gonna stand there, staring into my eyes? [They are quite nice..]
GOKU: Hrm? What was that? [Did his hair grow?]
I was busy staring into your eyes... [King Kai is probably fighting with George Takei]
MR. PER. CELL: Oh, you beautiful golden monkey, just fist me already! [Mmm]
[Cell gets more action with Goku in this sequence than Chi-Chi does in a month.]
[Goten's conception aside, anyway.]
KRILLIN: By the way, Trunks, wasn't your hair, like, shorter yesterday?
PRINCESS TRUNKS: Yeah. I decided I liked it longer. [They can grow it over a day?]
KRILLIN: Neat.
MR. PER. CELL: lyrics from barenaked ladies one week
[I SEE DEAD PEOPLE]
Wait, so the after-image can't move, h-how do you even-
[I call hax!]
YAMCHA: Guys, he ringed Cell out!
[Good call, Yamcha. :P]
Oh.
KRILLIN: ...You just forgot we can fly, didn't you? [Didn't Krillin do the exact same thing during his fight with Chiaoutzu?]
YAMCHA: No, but... [Also Piccolo, but we don't bash on him.]
I just have hope, okay?
Is that so wrong? [in THIS day and age...yes]
TIEN: The fact that you have *any* hope left in your life is your most admirable quality. [Vegeta : That's a lot coming from the triclops]
YAMCHA: Huh... thanks, man. [Kami dammit, Yamcha...]
MR. PER. CELL: Yamcha, for the love of Kami, don't thank him! [Yup, still butthurt about the Kikoho spamming...] {That aside, still objectively treats Yamcha better than...hell, everyone.}
And as for you...
Clever little move there. [Did his face change ?]
But would you *truly* have been satisfied with a ring-out?
GOKU: Well yeah; it's how I beat Piccolo. [Kami & Nail : DAYUM]
And Tenshinhan. [Is that Vegeta I hear laughing in the background ?]
And my wife! {Oh no.}
JF: My God... [Firecracker looks like an animated Hitler in this frame]
this hillbilly orangutan *beats* his wife! [Quite the opposite when she's aroused.]
WIFE-BEATER: It really wasn't much of a fight... {Goku, stop.}
One hit, and she just went down. {Seriously? Just stop talking.} [Actually, it was just a targeted shockwave.]
Then we got married, I put a baby in her, {GOKU}
and now she just stays at home, cooks my dinner, and raises our kid! {...}
CHI-CHI: Y'know... when he puts it that way... [That's so true?]
CROWD: (Jeering and booing)
BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT! [Supressed Southerners in the background : HORSESHIT ! HORSESHIT !]
GOHAN: Suddenly *really* happy I don't go to public school. [you will be soon. prepare thy anus]
MR. PER. CELL: Fair enough, Goku - this is a test of skill as well as power.
But if you're looking for a ring-out...
you'll have to try a little bit *harder than that* [Oh, myyyyyy.]
GOKU: Oh, don't worry, Cell.
I'll show you just how HARD I can get...! [OH MY!~]
MR. PER. CELL: Well, if we're going to get freaky, then perhaps we can make this... [ Freaky as in Chi Chi freaky or as in a green giant bug man ?]
A menage a moi? [I.E. solo relief ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)]
GOKU: G-Gohan, wha-what was that?
GOHAN: It's French, Dad.
Specifically, "My household". But it's really, awkwardly--
CELL 1: NNNEEEERD! CELL 2: NNNEEEERD! CELL 3: NNNEEEERD! CELL 4: NNNEEEERD! [I can see Gohan's Real Dad (Piccolo) in Cell now!]
CELL 1: But speaking of academics,
CELL 2: it's time to take you, Goku,
CELL 3: to Perfect University. [WHERE DO I ENROLL !?]
CELL 4: We'd say, "Take you to school",
but I think we're beyond the basics. [you definitely are. goku...is goku]
GOKU: Doesn't that make it... P.U.?
CELL 1: And we love that you got that. CELL 2: And we love that you got that. CELL 3: And we love that you got that. CELL 4: And we love that you got that.
[Cue "We are number one but its perfect (instrumental)"]
[Fisting abound]
[We are Perfect Cell!] (This song is less cancerous now that it's mixed with something amazing)
[We are Perfect Cell!]
[FINALLY A FIGHT SEQUENCE WORTH DANCING TO]
[Who would've thought that something this awesome would be in the abrigded series?]
[we are perfect cell]
TIEN: This has got to be for shits and/or giggles. [So like Yamcha's life ?]
The Multi-Form technique basically halves your power level with each copy. [If Raditz used It, it would create two Yamchas!]
GOHAN'S DAD: Yeah. But at least we can follow the action a little better now. [Why are they sideways?]
GOHAN: Wait, were you having trouble? [Especially with just the two of them..]
GOHAN'S DAD: Yeah...?
GOHAN: Well then, you're gonna have a *lot more* when they start getting serious. [They're not now?]
RACIST DOUCHEBAG: Wow. Saiyans; am I right?
PRINCESS TRUNKS: Erh... yeah?
CONFEDERATE SKINHEAD: ...Aw shit, was that racist? [Speciesist?] {In technical terms, yes.}
JF: Mr. Satan,
can you explain this malicious mutant's multiplication!?
DUMBASS IN DENIAL (still) : Well, Jimmy... y'ever heard of mirrors? [ maybe?! Can you define it? ]
JF: I believe I have.
MR. SATAN: Well there you go.[Bullshit answer is Bullshit]
[Your bullshit stop telling people bullshit]
[your bullshit stop telling people bullshit not like they could actually-]
[same]BYSTANDER: That 𝐚𝐥𝐬𝐨 makes sense! [OH COME ON] (End his stupidity.) {When the Culling comes, he's first to go.} [*COUGHShutUpGRANTCOUGH*]
CELL 1: Pop quiz, Goku!
Which attack is this? [Instant Transmission?] {Finger cannons?}
GOKU: Ooh! That's the... the-the beam thing! [OH, the makankosappo...what do i win free hetap]
Uh, jeez... ugh... ah, this is killing me. [i want my hetap for winning dammit]
I-I mean it *killed* me. [GIVE ME MY HETAP]
Piccolo, what's this thing called? [NOWWWW!!!]
PICCOLO: Oh, COME ON, Goku! It's the Makakas--
[Mah cockas?] {Ryuu waga teki wo kurau!}
MA-KAN-A-KA...
MADAK--
NAIL: 'Makankosappo!' KAMI: 'Makankosappo!' [In two separate channels.]
PICCOLO: THAT ONE!
[Cluelessness justified, for once.]
GOKU: ...What? [Cluelessness justified, for once.]
CELL 1: MA-- [MA]
CELL 1: MA-- CELL 2: KANKO-- [MAKANKO]
CELL 1: MA-- CELL 2: KANKO-- CELL 3: SA-- [MAKANKOSA]
CELL 1: MA-- CELL 2: KANKO-- CELL 3: SA-- CELL 4: CANNON! [MAKANKOSAPOLOPOLIS!]
[Explosive re-entry] [You're welcome Takahata.]
GOKU: Alright. Time to do some math! [That's not going to end good - It's Goku!]
[POP QUIZ: What is 1+1+1+1?]
[If you guessed 4? Then you're not as stupid as Goku. If you guessed something that isn't 4, then you should go back to PERFECT UNIVERSITY.]
Hahaah! Looks like four divided by one is just one! [Told ya...]
GOHAN: NO, Dad, that's still four!
PICCOLO: Gohan.
SON OF A DUMBASS SON: I know; banging my head on a brick wall...
MR. PER. CELL: Y'know, I was hoping you'd play along, maybe make four Goku's...
but, if you're just gonna sink the showboat, I'm not going to bother.
GOKU: Sorry, Cell. I'm here to win! [Are you? are you really here to win? or wait until gohan is tagged in?]
And you're never gonna beat me with your stolen techniques!
MR. PER. CELL: And what, are you gonna beat me with 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 stolen techniques?
GOKU: What!? I don't steal techniques!
PICCOLO: Actually, Goku...
yeah, you do. [Weren't they all taught to him?]
GOKU: Whhaaaaaa?
What about the Kamehameha?
KRILLIN: Naw; that was Master Roshi! {Now that I think about it,}
GOKU: The Solar Flare?
TIEN: That's mine, thanks.
GOKU: The Spirit Bo--?
KING KAI [telepathically]: Goku, I'm watching the tournament; don't THINK you can pull that shit! [But 𝐘𝐎𝐔 taught him it.]
GOKU [t]: Oh hey, King Kai! Quick question:
Did I learn the Kaioken on my own?
KING KAI [t]: My f**king name is in it...! [FREAKING WEEABOO]
MR. PER. CELL: Kaaaaa-meeeee...
GOKU [t]: That's Yamcha's move! [Isn't it Master Yoshi?]
King Kai, I gotta go. [And Gohan.]
MR. PER. CELL: HAAAA-MEEEEE... [And Krillin. And Tienshenhan.]
GOKU: Hey, Cell? Uh, pretty sure if you shoot that this close to the ground, it'll blow up the-- [And Piccolo, that one time he tried it just to see if he—]
MR. PER. CELL: HYEAAAAAAA! [Even Vegeta can do it at this point.]
[GOKU : Aww shit]
GOKU: 'I should skidaddle.'
JF: M-MR. SATAN! What do you--
DUMBASS IN DENIAL: LASERS, JIMMY! LASERS AND INDUSTRIAL FANS! [Seriously for the love of you beerus please KILL HIM!!!]
JF [o-s]: SUCH INSIGHT...!
[Into the infinite bullshit of his spotless mind]
{POP} [look at you being smart for once...]
[There goes THAT beam.]
MR. PER. CELL: Wow... It's over. [Are you sure?] {Also can't he sense energy?}
After everything... I killed him with his own technique. [Uh, no, the old pervert's still alive. ;)]
Hmh... ain't that a kick in the he--
OOOAAAAGH! [Irony's a bitch. :P] {CLASS DISMISSED}
[♫ Closing theme (DBZ eyecatch) ♫]
KRILLIN: Hey, what do you think happens to those beams when they fire off into space like that? [Y'know, Krillin, that is an excellent question.] {Yeah, I'm always asking that one myself!}
PROFESSOR GOHAN: Well, if it can sustain its form, it's all about whether or not it comes into contact with anything... [Ah, so like the conception of Goten]
[1,000 Arlia(?)-years later] KING MOAI XXVII: Good day to you, my faithful subjects!
It has taken over a thousand years,
but we have finally repopulated our new Arlia! {Aww, that's awesome!}
To celebrate this momentous occasion,
I shall now make love to my
I shall now make love to my HOT.
I shall now make love to my HOT. BUG.
{Oh.} I shall now make love to my HOT. BUG. WIFE.
Who is also my...
SISTEEER! [Whoa, what the FUCK?!] {Oh-- OH FUCK, NO} (So we're in Alabama now ?)
InnnSECSUAL! [Even George ended the call..] {NOPE. NOPE. NOPE.}
[( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)] (Ugh... Let's get back to Goku & Cell "love", ok?) {GLASS THE PLANET, GLASS THE PLANET, GLASS THE--}
[The biggest demonstration of pest control was provided by the most disgusting vermin of all. How ironic XD]
KAISERNEKO: Hi there! It's your editor and director, KaiserNeko of Team Four Star!
Thanks for enjoying episode 58, and if you like, please go to SharkRobot and check out our new T-Shirt: Perfect University.
Link in the description!
Also, if you wanna see more TFS goodness, go check out TFS Gaming.
As well as our latest side-project, the Cell VS. series. [Which have yet to be referenced in the show]
Thanks for tuning in, and I'll see you next episode! [These were the English (Canada) subtitles with Jokes.]