YAMI: Twas the week before Christmas, and upon the earth, Gohan and Krillin were searching for a tree of great worth.
They longed for a tree, both tall and rare, and for some unknown reason, Oolong was there.
And with eyes full of wonder, and faces all grins, this, my dear viewer, is where our story begins...
KRILLIN [off-screen]: Alright guys, sleep well. We have an early morning tomorrow to search for our perfect Christmas Tree. (Why were they camping)
BULMA [o-s]: Hey, did anyone take care of that fire? (why were u here)
KRILLIN [o-s]: Oolong, you got that?
OOLONG [o-s]: I'm watching it...
(Burn down the whole forest)
[Sounds of forest fire and frightened animals]
KRILLIN: I thought you said you were watching the fire! [Our Heroes.]
ARSONIST: I *was*! It was beautiful! (please just make pork chops out of him)
GOHAN: Poor animals! Their Christmas is ruined now!
KRILLIN: Yeah! And now we don't have our tree! (Wow Krillin)
GOHAN: I wish there was something we could do for them...
[Lightbulb sound effect] KRILLIN: "Wish"?
I got it! We could use the Dragon Balls!
♫ CHA-LA HEAD-CHA-LA ♫ (sped up) (one adventure later)
KRILLIN: We got the Dragon Balls!
[Shenron is summoned] GOHAN: Amazing how much easier this became with time... [Wait til GT.]
SHENRON: I am the Eternal Dragon! State your-
...
...no.
...no. No way.
...no. No way. No, not you again.
Has it even been a year!?
OOLONG: It's been one year, two months and fifteen-
SHENRON [o-s]: Shut the hell up!
KRILLIN: Almighty Shenron!
We called you forth to help us in this dire time! As you can see, this beautiful land full of trees and life has been burned to the ground!
SHENRON: So you want me to restore life to this desolated forest?
SELFISH PRICK: Hell no! I wanna Christmas Tree!
SHENRON [incredulous]: ...you want...a tree?
KRILLIN: Not just any tree. The *perfect* Christmas Tree!
SHENRON: ...yeah...yeah, OK. I'll give you your tree. I'll give you the best damn tree you've ever seeen! [This shit is why the Shadow Dragons became a thing.]
Muhahahahahaha! Rahahahahahahahahahaa! [He is Popo's servant]
OBLIVIOUS SELFISH PRICK: Thank you!
SHENRON CLAUS: Oh, don't thank me. 'Tis the season of giving...
SLAY: Turles, sir, our navigation system just changed course. We're on route to a new planet - Earth.
NOT GOKU BLACK: Does it contain a sufficient amount of joy?
SLAY: According to our sensors, yes.
NOT GOKU BLACK: Well then...
[♫ "Jingle Bell Rock" ♫] HOLY SHIT, IT'S GOKU'S EVIL 'TWIN': ...Merry Christmas.
[♫ "Rock The Dragon" ♫] [CHRISTMAS GOT FUCKING METAL.]
CHI-CHI [o-s]: You are not allowed to go camping again, young man.
GOKU [quietly]: [♫ "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" ♫] CHI-CHI [o-s]: You are not allowed to go camping again, young man.
GOKU [quietly]: [♫ "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" ♫] GOHAN: But Mom, Oolong's the one who burned down the forest, not me! (Just say you are in anexpedition)
GOKU [quietly]: [♫ "The Twelve Days of Christmas" ♫] CHI-CHI: I don't care whose fault it is, you need to be responsible. (Was that for Gohan or Goku?)
GOKU [quietly]: [♫ "Jingle Bells" ♫] CHI-CHI: Remember, if you don't act like a good little boy, Santa won't bring you any presents this year. (please, he *is* the nice one in this family)
Goku, stop that or I will deck you in the halls!
GOKU: OK!
GOHAN: He's just gonna bring me books again... (sucks 4 u)
CHI-CHI: He brings you what you like, and what do you like!?
GOHAN [panicked]: I like books!
CHI-CHI: See? He brings you what you like. (No, what he wants is u dead)
GOKU: Well, what am I getting for Christmas? (If it's what you like, probably food)
CHI-CHI: The same thing as last year, Goku.
GOKU: Ohhh, so that thing you do with your mou- (lucky)
CHI-CHI: Not in front of Gohan!
PUAR: Yamcha, why did you spend all your baseball money on this car instead of buying Christmas gifts for your friends? (Cause he wants to believe that he's worth something)
YAMCHA: Puar, the only gift they need is the gift of Yamcha. (Non-refundable)
PUAR: ...that's a non-refundable gift, isn't it? (wow, you're own cat doesn't like you)
YAMCHA: Just like this car.
{BOOM}
[Puar and Yamcha scream] (Team Rocket blasting off again)
SLAY: It is time. Plant...the tree.
[Silence]
Of might.
[More silence]
The Christmas Tree of Might.
BERU: Oh~ JINGA: Oh~
Title drop!
SLAY: Now...let the Yuletide celebrations...
[♫ "Deck the Halls Metal Style!" ♫] SLAY: Now....let the Yuletide celebrations...begin.
♫ Deck the halls with sounds of metal ♫
♫ Fa la la la la, la la la la ♫
♫ Tis the season to be brutal ♫
♫ Fa la la la la, la la la la ♫
BOY: Mommy-?
(VEGETA: HA!)
YAMCHA: So yeah, um, I'm gonna have to crash with you guys for a while.
GOKU: Ha, ha! "Crash", like your car.
UNLUCKY GUY: Yes, Goku...like my car.
MASTER ROSHI: I can't believe the wreckage landed on your house.
REALLY UNLUCKY GUY: Neither can I. And since I put all my money into the car, I'm pretty much destitute.
GOHAN: You know, studies say that depression hits worst during the holiday season. That's why the suicide rates are so high.
[Ain't karma a bitch?!]
[All but Yamcha & Bulma laugh at Yamcha's expense XD]
GOKU: Like your car.
KING KAI [from Kaiōkai]: Hey, are we laughing at Yamcha? 'Cause I'm always up for that.
GOKU: King Kai, is that you?
KING KAI: I just wanted to call you up and wish you a Merry Christmas.
GOKU: Aw shucks, King Kai. You too.
KING KAI: Yeah. Also thought I'd tell you about the evil space pirates who are killing your planet. (Bojack's here?)
GOKU: Space in the what now?
KING KAI: You see, a group of space pirates have sought out your planet. And with it, are growing an evil, evil tree.
GOKU: How evil?
KING KAI: It's literally sucking the Christmas joy out of the entire planet.
GOKU: (Gasp)...
GOKU: (Gasp)...that's Disney evil!
KING KAI: Well, that’s all from here. I'm gonna go spike the eggnog and watch Gregory get smashed. Merry Christmas! [HAH! Smashed. Get it?]
GOKU: Alright guys, group meeting. So, it turns out someone just planted a gigantic tree...
KRILLIN: Hooray! My tree!
GOKU: ...that is sucking the Christmas joy out of the entire world!
KRILLIN: I mean oh, no! Who would be so dastardly?
GOKU: So, my plan is we get the Dragon Balls and wish it away! [This is a surprisingly good idea for Goku...]
KRILLIN: Uuuummmm...
GOKU: I'm kiddin'. We're gonna go blow it up! [Nevermind.]
Didn't work. [Of course.]
TIEN: Damn. If we don't act soon, Christmas is going to be ruined forever.
KRILLIN: Wait a minute - Tien, Chiaotzu, what are you two doing here? Aren't you Jewish? (so that's why he wore that hat in DB)
Jewish Triclops: Hey! I'm just trying to be culturally sensitive.
TIEN: Hey! I'm just trying to be culturally sensitive...you Buddhist ass!
BUDDHIST ASS: Well, happy holidays to you too.
GOKU: I think the only course of action left...is to reason with it. [...he's getting worse, guys.]
YAMCHA: Uh, Goku-?
[Only Goku...] GOKU: Big tree! If you don’t leave right now, I'm gonna have to beat you up!
YAMCHA: Goku, trees can't tal-
TREE [o-s]: Why don't you come up here and try it?
YAMCHA: Know what? F**k it, I don't care anymore.
[Evil chuckling]
KRILLIN: Who the hell are these guys?
SLAY: We are from the planet of Misfit Minions.
REESE: Where all banished servants of Santa Claus are sent.
BERU: We were all lost, hope forsaken.
JINGA: But now Turles has given us a new chance at life.
BERU: And at revenge! JINGA: And at revenge!
KRILLIN: But why were you banished in the first place?
SLAY: Some of us did things...
SLAY: Some of us did things...terrible things (Can't be worse than Vegeta)
REESE: Things that some of us regret, and some of us don't.
SLAY: Take me for example: I was but a humble mall Santa trying to bring children joy.
TIEN: So what happened?
SLAY: Well, a young child asked me for a fire truck.
GOKU: Awww!
SLAY: So I dropped one on his house.
GOKU: Awww.
JINGA: Then there was my brother and I.
BERU: We were once elves working at Santa's workshop. [THAT'S what elves look like!?]
JINGA: Until a robot we made to aid production went out on a murderous rampage.
S.N.O.W.: Fa la la la la, la la, la-
DIE.
KRILLIN: Yiiikes. Wait a minute, that doesn't cover you - what'd *you* do?
REESE: Something so evil, I am forever on Santa’s naughty list.
YAMCHA: Geez, compared to these guys, what could you have possibly-
REESE: I raped Rudolph. (Dark)
[Sounds of Reese laughing along with a reindeer's (obviously Rudolph's) pained cries are heard] (oh poor Rudolph)
TIEN: Dibs on not fighting that guy. [Good call.]
GOKU: We have to save Christmas, guys! Let's go!
JINGA: Jinga!
BERU: Beru!
JINGA: The great Jinga Beru Brothers! BERU: The great Jinga Beru Brothers!
TIEN: You mean Jingle Bell, right?
JINGA: No, Jinga...
BERU: ...and Beru!
TIEN: Noooo...
TIEN: Noooo...Jingle...
TIEN: Noooo...Jingle...Bell.
JINGA: Jinga!
BERU: Beru!
TIEN: F**KING WEEABOOS!
[Pity there's no visually repulsive frame to go with it this time...] TIEN: F**KING WEEABOOS! (Why was that upsetting u?)
SLAY: Y'know, you look like one of the kids I let sit on my lap once. 'Course, he was the cancer patient; asked me if I could get rid of his cancer.
KRILLIN: Oh God, this is going exactly where I think this is, isn't it?
SLAY: So I blew him up! No more cancer!
KRILLIN: God, you are one of the worst mall Santas ever! Right behind those ones that molest kids.
WORST MALL SANTA EVER: ...so I'm the worst mall Santa.
KRILLIN [incredulous]: Oh, come on!
S.N.O.W.: Singing "Yamcha the Scar-Faced Bandit" [But do you recall...]
YAMCHA: Go to hell! [The most useless...]
Oh. [The most useless fighter]
Oh. Come. [The most useless fighter of all...]
Oh. Come. On. [The most useless fighter of alllllll...]
Oh. Come. On. Come.
Oh. Come. On. Come. On. [Yamcha]
Oh. Come. On. Come. On. Damn. [Yamcha the scar-]
Oh. Come. On. Come. On. Damn. You. [Yamcha the scar-faced]
S.N.O.W.: Do you require assistance? [Yamcha the scar-faced bandit!]
YAMCHA: Shut. [Always]
YAMCHA: Shut. Up. [Always beaten by]
YAMCHA: Shut. Up. You. [Always beaten by his]
YAMCHA: Shut. Up. You. Cowardly. [Always beaten by his foes!]
YAMCHA: Shut. Up. You. Cowardly. God.
[Wait, did Yamcha just win a proper bat-] YES! Take that, motherfu-
♪ And if you saw this guy fight ♪
♪ You would even say he blows ♪
[Normal service has resumed. :P] S.N.O.W.: Agreed. (Everyone: Agreed)
JINGA: I'll make you pay, like the rest of them!
Jewish Pokemon: I told u i'm not an elf, I'm just really short! [I thought he was a Pokemon?]
JINGA: Shut up, Claus lover!
Jewish Pokemon: I don’t even celebrate Christmas-
Jewish Pokemon: I don’t even celebrate Christmas-oh, my God!
JINGA: What the-
JINGA: What the FUUUUUUUUUUU...! [The power of the headbutt.]
GOHAN: Did I just smash the Krampus? [No, that comes later.]
Oh well, where are the others? If I don't find them soon, it's gonna be too late to go caroling!
Oh!
Hey Dad, what's with the getup? It's not Halloween, it's Christmas!
GOKU(?): Christmas?
NOPE, DEFINITELY NOT GOKU: I HATE Christmas!
GOHAN: You're not my Dad!
NOT GOKU BLACK: I hate gingerbread houses.
I hate presents and toys.
I hate reindeer and all of the good girls and boys. (Anyone else hearing some Dr. Seuss)
I hate the Whos down in Whoville and all of their songs. (Now he's the Grinch)
I hate their whumpets and blumpets and goobag-for-brawns.
I hate carols and sleigh rides and falalalalas.
But above all things else...
But above all things else...I hate Santa Claus!
GOHAN: Don't talk s**t about Santa! (You will in a few years)
Saiyan Grinch: You're Saiyan, aren’t you? How lucky you were...to never suffer my injustice!
{CRUNCH} Saiyan Grinch: You're Saiyan, aren’t you? How lucky you were...to never suffer my injustice!
[Gohan groans in pain]
However, after my tree is done with this planet, you'll be left with Noël to speak of! (IT'S A PUN)
[Evil chuckling] [Scouter beeps]
What? Who's there?
PICCOLO: Bitch, you look like Goku. [Gohan's dad to the rescue! Wait...]
NOT GOKU BLACK: And you look like a Yoshi.
NOT YOSHI: I get that. Now hand over the kid.
NOT GOKU BLACK: Oh, you want this kid?
PICCOLO: I want him.
NOT GOKU BLACK: You want this kid?
PICCOLO: I want him.
NOT GOKU BLACK: You want this kid?
PICCOLO: I want him.
NOT GOKU BLACK: You want, you want?
PICCOLO: I WANT THAT KID!
GOHAN: Hi, Mr. Piccolo!
PICCOLO: Merry Christmas. [What exactly do the Namekians celebrate? The anniversary of the end of the drought?]
UUGHHUUGHHUUGHH!
GOHAN: Mr. Piccolo...
GOHAN: Mr. Piccolo...ugh!
NOT GOKU BLACK: Yeah, you're gonna stay right there. Now how 'bout I show you a little trick I learned?
If I put pressure down on this part of your back...
GOHAN: UGH!
{SNAP}
NOT GOKU BLACK: ...your tail grows back!
GOHAN: And...?
NOT GOKU BLACK: Look!
GOHAN: AGH!
It's the Star of Bethlehem. You know what that means?
GOHAN: Jesus is born?
NOT GOKU BLACK: Yeah, only instead of Jesus...
NOT GOKU BLACK: Yeah, only instead of Jesus...it's a giant monkey.
GOHAN: I don't see the paral-
GIANT MONKEY: (Roaring)
GOKU: Gohan!
Aw man...if Chi-Chi finds out about this, I might not get mouth present. [Now this is a man with his priorities straight...I think.] (hah, he really wants to get blown)
NOT GOKU BLACK: Now, what will you do?
Son against father; father against son! In a battle to the death!
GOKU: HAH!
[Pity the friggin' toupee stand ain't there to take lessons on Kienzan use...] {Also, Goku stealing techniques, again}
NOT GOKU BLACK: ...well played.
GOKU: It's OK, Gohan. You're safe. Now go to sleep, and in the morning, Santa will have brought all of your presents.
And by presents, I mean books.
GOHAN: D...dang it...uhh...
TURLES: Savor this moment, Kakarrot. It will be the last one you ever have with your son!
GOKU: (Gasp)...he knows my Saiyan name! [To Turles] So you...
GOKU: (Gasp)...he knows my Saiyan name! [To Turles] So you...must be Vegeta!
TURLES [confused]: Wait, you think I'm-
GOKU: Silly Vegeta! It's not Halloween, it's Christmas! Take that costume off.
TURLES: I'm not Vegeta. I'm just another Saiyan who escaped the destruction of our planet.
GOKU: Ohhhhh. 'Man, that means he's like...an evil me! Only he doesn't have a goatee. I'm gonna imagine one!' [And you'll end up meeting a new and better one later. With pink hair.]
Ssso evil!
[Growling]
[Dramatic sting]
GOKU: Now it's just down to you and me!
TURLES: Yes. Me and you.
Oh, and my five Misfit Minions.
GOKU: But, what about my friends?
SLAY: We all had eggnog and Christmas fudge!
GOKU: Really?!
REESE: Nope! Wasted them like figgy pudding.
GOKU [furious]: You never waste figgy pudding! [I've never even had figgy pudding.]
KRAMPUS: UGH! REINDEER FUCKER: UGH!
ANOTHER KRAMPUS: UGH! KILLER DROID: Droid.
BAD SANTA: UGH!
[Idiot Hero does what he does best.]
GOKU: ...did I just smash the Krampus? [Like Son, like son, eh?]
TURLES: This has gone on long enough! You don't even understand why I'm here, do you?
GOKU: All I heard was: "Look at me! I hate Christmas, because I'm a big jerk!"
TURLES: And who *wouldn't* be a big jerk after the injustices I suffered?!
On Planet Vegeta, we heard all about all the other planets that Santa would visit,
On Planet Vegeta, we heard all about all the other planets that Santa would visit, we'd heard of the joy he brought children,
On Planet Vegeta, we heard all about all the other planets that Santa would visit, we'd heard of the joy he brought children, of the presents,
On Planet Vegeta, we heard all about all the other planets that Santa would visit, we'd heard of the joy he brought children, of the presents, of the merriment
THAT I WAS DENIED!
Planet Vegeta never got Christmas...
Planet Vegeta never got Christmas...no, all we got was Freeza Day!
GOKU: Well, what d'ya get for Freeza Day?
TURLES: He blew our PLANET UP!
GOKU: That's sad...
GOKU: That's sad...but I still can't let you steal the joy from Earth!
TURLES: Hold that thought; tree's done.
GOKU: What?
TURLES: See, these fruit hold all the joy from Earth. When I eat it, I will gain Earth's joy!
GOKU: Why are you so evil?!
TURLES: Deal with it.
TOTALLY NOT YAMI: Turles ate of the fruit, and so they say, his power level grew three sizes that day.
GOKU: 'That's not good...!'
[Goku groans as Turles pummels him]
TURLES: Now, denounce your faith!
GOKU: N...no!
TURLES: Denounce your faith in Santa Claus!
GOKU: NEVER!
TURLES: Well, then...Bah Humbug.
[Goku screams as Turles fires ki attacks at him]
TURLES: Well, now that that's over, time to plan a bitchin' New Year's party!
GOKU: Ugh...ahh...uhh...
'Nooo...Christmas...can't be ruined...!'
Must...summon up...energy...!
???: Goku, it is I, the anointed saint. The spreader of love and peace.
GOKU: 'Oh, wow! It's...!'
???: Yes, it is I...Santa.
[Gasp]
SANTA: You must defeat him, Goku; you are the only one who can.
GOKU: 'But, he's got all of Earth's joy. He's too powerful.'
SANTA: No, Goku. The joy is within your heart.
GOKU: (Inhales)...you're right!
SANTA: Now kick his ass to the North Pole and back!
GOKU: Yes...Santa!
[Scouter beeps repeatedly]
TURLES: What the hell? What is this sudden burst of joy?!
GOKU: This is Christmas, melon farmer!
[Goku hurls Spirit Bomb; Turles screams, Spirit Bomb saves the day]
TURLES: NO...
TURLES: NO...SO...
TURLES: NO...SO...MUCH...
TURLES: NO...SO...MUCH...JOY!
[And he screams some more...]
[Sounds of explosions]
[♫ "Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!" ♫]
MAN [o-s]: Look! It's snowing!
WOMAN: But...it's yellow...! [That's probably 'cos Turles pissed himself...]
♫ Oh, the weather outside is frightful ♫
♫ But the fire is so delightful ♫
♫ And since we've no place to go ♫
♫ Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow ♫
GOKU: 'It's too bad that Turles was such a Scrooge; we would have happily shared our Christmas with him.'
SANTA: You know...the sad part is, I always tried to visit Planet Vegeta. Problem was, they kept trying to shoot down my sleigh.
GOKU: 'Bummer.'
SANTA: Now, I'm off to deliver my presents. But thank you...for saving Christmas!
GOKU: Anytime, Santa. Bye~!
SANTA: Ho, ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas! Hoooo, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, hooo...!
GOKU: 'Wait a second...if that guy wasn't Vegeta...'
'...where is Vegeta?'
[That planet seems awfully familiar...]
VEGETA: This is so non-canon, it hurts. [You could've made your wish while they were gone.]
GHOST NAPPA: Vegeta~...tonight you will be haunted by three ghoooosts!
And they're all me.
GHOST OF NAPPA PAST: Hi! GHOST OF NAPPA PRESENT: Hi! GHOST OF NAPPA FUTURE: Hi!
[LOL]
VEGETA: God damn it, I hate Christmas.
[♫ "A Holly Jolly Christmas" ♫]
[No wonder he has a heart attack.]
[Lewd.]
[Too bad it never works.]
[Ew.]
[Of course he did.]
[That's neat.]
[Well...shit.]
[Why?]
[Gold Digger!]
[But she got to keep all the stuff.]
[Useful.]
[AWESOME!]
[Wah Wah Wah Waaaaaah]
[Makes sense.]
[Poor Tien.]
[You guys realize he was 24 at this point, right?]
[She doesn't need Santa for that.]
[Ew]
[Too bad it only counts towards the movies.]
[Unless it's not Christmas Time. Then...why are you watching till this point?