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[Newborn Idiot Hero is crying]

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NARRATOR: Long ago, on a planet long forgotten by time...a young hero was born, a righteous Saiyan warrior who would bring peace to the galaxy. This...

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...is *not* his story.

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This is the story of another Saiyan warrior, who slaughtered millions of innocents and brought terror to those who heard his name. And that name is...

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⬆
[♫ "Dare" ♫]

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♫ Dare! Dare to believe you can survive ♫

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♫ You hold the future in your hand ♫

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♫ Dare! Dare to keep all your dreams alive ♫

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♫ The power is there at your command (Oh, oh!) ♫

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♫ Dare! There is a place where dreams survive ♫

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♫ It's calling you on to victory ♫

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♫ Dare! ♫ [fading echo]

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♫ Dare! ♫ [fading echo]

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[fade out]

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[Group of Saiyan warriors laugh (except Bardock)]

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PUMBUKIN: And then I tell the guy, "Don't be angry, I'm just Saiyan!"

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[They laugh again]

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And then I tore out his throat.

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[Wind blows]

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TOMA: Hey Bardock, heard you had another kid. Congrats. Who's the mom?

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PUMBUKIN: I bet it's Selypa. I see the way you two look at each other.

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BARDOCK: Nah, it'd never work out between us.

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TOMA: Why not?

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BARDOCK: Are you kidding? She's a raging dyke.

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[Well, ain't he quite the charmer?]
SELYPA: I'm right here, you asshole!

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BARDOCK: ...and?

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SELYPA: God, this is why I hate men!

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{TUH}

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BARDOCK: Point proven.

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PUMBUKIN: So, uh, why did we attack this rock in the first place?

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BARDOCK: I dunno. The mission briefing said this planet was full of psychics.

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TOMA: Wait a second...doesn't that mean they can see the future? Don't you think they should have seen us coming?

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BARDOCK: Just because they're psychic doesn't mean they're smart.

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TOMA: But, aren't psychics supposed to have unbelievable mental--

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[Dramatic sting]

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KANASSAN: I can see the futurrrre!

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PUMBUKIN: Hey, look! One survived.

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KANASSAN: OH, NO! THEY CAN SEE ME!
I have to stop you from destroying my race...in the future!

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BARDOCK: We already did that.

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KANASSAN: I knew you'd do that! Now I have to kill you!

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BARDOCK: Guh!

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KANASSAN: Now you too can see the future!

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WAHHH!

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[Ever wonder what burning Kanassan smells like?]
[Don't. After all, you wanna keep lunch IN your stomach.]

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I'M ON FIRE!

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[Bardock finally puts him out of his misery]
AHHH!

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TOMA: Well, that was...odd.

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PUMBUKIN: Hey, Bardock. What do you think he meant about you seeing the future? Bardock?

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[Dramatic music]

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Bardock? Bardock?!

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Say nothing if you want me to eat the remains of that alien!

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[There's no accounting for taste with some people...]

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ZARBON: Lord Freeza, the reports are saying that Kanassa has been seized.

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FREEZA [in a raspy tone]: Thank you, Zarbon. That's very good to hea--

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[Hacking coughs]

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FREEZA [back to normal]: Ah, sorry about that, I had something in my throat.
Continue, Zarbon.

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ZARBON: The reports say that it was overtaken by a group of low-level Saiyans led by Bardock.

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DODORIA: Yeah, that Bardock's a pretty cool guy.

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ZARBON: He conquers planets and doesn't afraid of anything.

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FREEZA: Hmm, "doesn't afraid of anything" indeed...

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[Bardock's visions]

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[Groaning]

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BARDOCK: 'What...?'

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'What's going on?'

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'Is...that my planet?'

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'Wait, who is...?'

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'Is that my son?'

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'Where is he?'

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'Hold on...is he befriending that alien race?'

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'Oh, I get it. He must be earning their trust before he slaughters them all.'

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'Wait...now everything's gone dark.'

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'Is...is it over?'

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'Am I...?'

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MR. POPO: Hi.

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[Dramatic sting]
[Bardock's visions end as he lets out a muffled scream]

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SCIENTIST: Bardock, are you all right? Your heart rate skyrocketed.

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BARDOCK: (Gasp) I'm OK! I'm OK. It's just...

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BARDOCK: (Gasp) I'm OK! I'm OK. It's just...*eyes*.

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Where am I, anyway?

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SCIENTIST: Well, you're on Freeza Planet Six Nine Two.

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BARDOCK: Man, you'd think with all his free time he'd come up with better names for his planets.

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ZARBON: So Lord Freeza, now that we have Kanassa under our command, what shall we--

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FREEZA: Four One Nine!

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ZARBON: Right, right...

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BARDOCK: Anyway, where's my team? Are they already on a new mission?

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SCIENTIST: Yes, well, it seems that Freeza passed down a new mission just two hours ago.

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By the way, while you're here, would you like to see your son, Kakarrot?

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BARDOCK: Kaka-wha? Oh right, his name.
Nah, think I'll pass. Didn't pay attention to Raditz when he was growing up.

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SCIENTIST: Oh yes, and we both know how he turned out...

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[Sounds of muffled crying]
BARDOCK: Hey there, Kakarrot. It's your Daddy!

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[Scouter is beeping]
'Let's see what kind of power level we've got here...all right...'

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'...whoahoahoahoahoahoa! Ten thousand! *That's* my boy! Uh-'

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'-wait...Broly?'

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[Scouter is beeping and Kakarrot is crying behind the window]
'Ah, here we go. Kakarro-'

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'-agh, aagh! Aaagh, aaagh!'

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'Two?! Crap!'

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There is no possible way this day could get any more disappointing...

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TOMA: Bardock's going to be so disappointed.

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DODORIA: I think Bardock is the least of your concerns.

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TOMA: Why? I don't understand. We've served Freeza loyally.

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DODORIA: Seems Freeza wants you dirty Saiyans out of the picture...and I'm just willing enough to oblige him.

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TOMA: Don't you get it? Chances are someday he's just going to kill you, too.

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DODORIA: Yeah, well, see...I'm more of a "in-the-now" kinda guy.

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Like...what am I gonna *eat* now? What am I gonna *kill* now?
And in this regard...you're probably gonna be both.

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TOMA: You...you won't get away with this.

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DODORIA: Oh, yeah? Well tell me somethin'...

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...what looks like crap,

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...what looks like crap,
feels like crap,

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...what looks like crap,
feels like crap,
and probably ain't gonna wake up in the mornin'?

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TOMA: Is...is it me?

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DODORIA: And that's the punchline.

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BARDOCK: Whoa, looks like I'm late to the party.
Where's the gan--

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...oh...

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...oh. Oh, God! Guys...tell me you're just resting in the blood of your enemies!
Selypa...Totepo...Pumbukin? Toma?

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[Sounds of coughing]

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TOMA: P...present...

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BARDOCK: Toma!

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Oh, thank God Toma, you're OK.
I'll be honest, you're the only one I really cared about.

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Everyone else was kinda bland.
'Cept for Selypa; she was the only one here with a decent pair of t--

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TOMA: Bardock...listen.

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Freeza's...turned on us. He's afraid of the Saiyans. He sent someone to...to take us out.

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BARDOCK: Oh, God! He sent the Ginyu Force?

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TOMA: No...

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BARDOCK: Zarbon?

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TOMA: No...

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BARDOCK: Dodoria?

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TOMA: Sorry...

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BARDOCK: Listen, it won't end like this! We're not too far from a healing planet. We're gonna get you fixed up. We'll get you better, we'll warn everyone else, and then we'll--

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[Wind blows]

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'My best friend just died in my arms, didn't he?'

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'Yep...'

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'...yeeep...'

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'...all right, Plan B. Don't worry, my friends. You shall all be avenged!'

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'If Freeza's afraid of us, I'm gonna *give* him something to be afraid of.
Then I'll know why I'm still alive...'

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'...and I'm gonna rain hot vengeance down upon every single one of those sons of bi--'

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EACHPE: All right guys, let's hit the sho--

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[Scouter beeps; ♫ "Solid State Scouter" ♫]
EACHPE [hurriedly]: Tell my brother, Appule, I love him--!

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Aaagh...!

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MANGO: Eachpe, no!

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Where the hell is he?

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LEMI [off-screen]: Keep sharp! These Saiyans can pull off all kinds of tricks! You have to be very careful--

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MANGO: Got him!

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Pierre, nooo!
[To Bardock] You dirty monkey!

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LEMI: You're the one who killed him, you ass!

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MANGO: Oh, gee Lemi, I never thought of it like tha--

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MANGO: Oh, gee Lemi, I never thought of it like tha--shut the f**k up!

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LEMI: AAAAAAAGH!
MANGO: AAAAARRGH!

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BARDOCK: 'Man, I can't believe they lost to these guys! What a bunch of--'

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{TCHING}
'Oh sweet crap, not again!'

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[Vision]
KAKARROT: Kaio-ken!

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BARDOCK: Kaio-wha--

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BARDOCK: Kaio-wha--ARGH!

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MANGO: Hiya!

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[♫ "Solid State Scouter" ♫ sharply fades out]
BARDOCK: UGH...!

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BARDOCK [through vision]: For years, you've kept us under your foot...[etc]

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BARDOCK [through vision]: For years, you've kept us under your foot...[etc]
BARDOCK: 'What? Is that me?'

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[♫ "Solid State Scouter" fades in ♫]
'That's it!'

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MANGO: NOW, DIE!

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LEMI: WHAT THE FU--?!

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GUAaah!

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Goddammit, Mango, you team-killing f**ktard!

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[♫ "Solid State Scouter" cuts off ♫]
LEMI: AAAARRGH...!
MANGO: AAAARRGH...!

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BARDOCK: 'I understand what I have to do now.
I'm going to raise an army. We're going to rebel against Freeza. And nothing is going to stop me!'

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[Scouter beeps]

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'What the--?'

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[Dramatic sting]

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DODORIA: Ooooorrr...!

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BARDOCK: USELESS-ASS PSYCHIC POWERS!

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DODORIA: RHOOOAAGH!

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BARDOCK: ERRRAAGHAAAGHAAAGH...!

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['Singing' "Another One Bites the Dust"]
DODORIA: ♪ Do-do-do, another one bites the dust ♪

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♪ Dodo-do-do-do, another one bites the dust ♪

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♪ And another one gone, and another one gone ♪

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♪ Another one bites the dust ♪

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♪ Hey, I'm gonna get you too ♪

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♪ Another one bites the dust... ♪

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BARDOCK [muffled]: Oh, God! It's true!
You really do soil yourself when you die! [Ugh.]

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Ah, it's everywhere! It's in my Dodoria wounds!

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[Sounds of coughing; initially muffled]

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Oh, well uh, later guys. Off to raise that army. Vengeance...yada, yada...

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OPERATOR 1 [o-s]: All right, little guy. Time to send you to Planet..."Ee-arth."

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OPERATOR 2 [o-s]: I think it's pronounced "Earth."

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OPERATOR 1 [o-s]: That sounds stupid.

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OPERATOR 2 [o-s]: You're stupid!

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FREEZA [o-s]: So~ how did the mission go~?

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DODORIA: Complete Annihilation.

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ZARBON: Where are your men?

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DODORIA: Complete Annihilation.

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FREEZA: So, you're absolutely sure you killed every single living thing on that planet?

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DODORIA: Complete...

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DODORIA: Complete...Annihilation.

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[His face says it all. XD]

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ZARBON [deadpan]: So, "Complete Annihilation", huh?

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DODORIA: Uh-uh-uh-I'm sorry, Lord Freeza. I'll go take care of it right away!

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FREEZA: Oh, forget about it. He's already on a direct course for Planet S.O.L.

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ZARBON: ...Planet what?

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FREEZA [annoyed]: Huuurrgghh...*Planet*--

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["Shit Outta Luck", aka ⬇]
BARDOCK [whilst panting]: 'Vegeta!'

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'I've gotta warn King Vegeta.'

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[Saiyans socialize in a bar whilst "Bad to the Bone" plays on a radio]

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[BTW, that's not Raditz]

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You guys! Freeza's going to--Daaugh!

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[Radio is turned off as Saiyans fall silent]

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Who put that table there?

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RANDOM SAIYAN DUDE: Dude, Bardock, are you wasted?

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BARDOCK: No~. But my crew is...

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SOME OTHER SAIYAN DUDE [o-s]: You smell like poo!

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BARDOCK: Listen to me! We don't have much time.

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Freeza's on his way here and he plans to kill us all!
We have to raise an army, and--

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RANDOM SAIYAN LADY: You're mom's an army!

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[Crowd starts laughing]

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BARDOCK: What are you, stupid?! Do you-

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ANOTHER SAIYAN DUDE: Your face is stupid!

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[Crowd starts laughing again]

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BARDOCK: Eugh! Do you idiots even get it?

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Freeza's about to commit genocide on our ENTIRE RACE!!

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[Crowd is shocked into silence]

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YET ANOTHER SAIYAN DUDE: Cool story, bro!

219
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[Crowd starts laughing yet *again*]

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BARDOCK: You know what? F**k it! I'm done!
I hope you all die and go to HELL!

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[Silence]

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AND ANOTHER ONE: Wow, that guy's a douche.

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BARDOCK: 'Screw them! I don't need an army.
I took on those elites, I can take on this tyrant!'

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Freeza must be stopped...no matter the cost!

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[♫ "The Touch" ♫]

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♫ You got the touch ♫

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♫ You got the power~ ♫

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♫ Yeah! ♫

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ZARBON: Lord Freeza, Bardock is approaching from the planet--

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FREEZA: Waves of Freeza-soldiers...

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DISPOSABLE FREEZA MOOKS: AAAAAAAGH!

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DODORIA: It's raining men!

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ZARBON: Hallelujah!

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BARDOCK: FREEZA!

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DF GIMP: Yeah! Take that--

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DF GIMP: Yeah! Take that--AUGH!

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BARDOCK: FREEZA!

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[Sounds of Bardock killing and dodging DFM]

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DFM: EEEEGH!/AAAAGH!/[etc]

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BARDOCK: FREEZAAA!

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FREEZAAA!

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KANYE WEST WANNABE: Ey yo Bardock, I'm really happy for ya, and I'ma let you finish, but--

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DFM: BWAARGH!!

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[Sounds of Bardock killing more DFM]

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[Sounds of Bardock killing more DFM continue (on TV)]

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ZARBON: Sir, I think he wishes to have words.

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FREEZA [snarky]: Oh, what*ever* gave you that impression?

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ZARBON: Well, he does keep on shouting your name.

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BARDOCK [over the speaker]: FREEZA!

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FREEZA: Just get my freaking bubble car.

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ZARBON: Too bad. And that Bardock was such a dashing rogue...

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DODORIA: Wat.

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[Out comes Freeza in his Jetsons bubble car. LOL]

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BARDOCK: There you are, Freeza! I've been looking for you.

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FREEZA: Well, I'm not exactly *hard to find*!

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BARDOCK: We've had enough of this! We're *done* working for you, Freeza!

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ONE OF THE DFM: Uh, just so you know, that man does not speak for us!

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BARDOCK: We're here to kill you, and take our planet for our own!

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ONE OF THE DFM [o-s]: Seriously, we're not with him!

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BARDOCK: For years, you've kept us under your foot...

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[Bardock continues speaking]
FREEZA: 'Ohhh *Lord*, these heroic types with their *speeches*.'

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'"Blah, blah, blah, injustices."'

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'"Blah, blah, blah, injustices.
 Blah, blah, blah, tyranny."'

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'"Blah, blah, blah, injustices.
 Blah, blah, blah, tyranny.
 Blah, blah, blah, Freeza, stop killing me!"'

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'*God*, does he have any idea how hard it is to run an empire?
I've got *other* things to do today, you know...'

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'...like decide what wine will I have for dinner tonight:'

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'...like decide what wine will I have for dinner tonight:
White wine,'

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'...like decide what wine will I have for dinner tonight:
White wine, red wine,'

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'...like decide what wine will I have for dinner tonight:
White wine, red wine, or dare I say...'

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'...like decide what wine will I have for dinner tonight:
White wine, red wine, or dare I say...rosé?'

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'Oh, perhaps I should give Cooler a call; his birthday's coming up.'

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'Oh, perhaps I should give Cooler a call; his birthday's coming up.
Nah, he's a prick.'

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'Wait a second, where was I?'

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'Oh right, mass genocide.'

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BARDOCK: ...end your miserable life, once and for all!

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Now...take this, Freeza!
The power of the Saiyan race!!

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HYAAAH!

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[Freeza casually charges his Supernova, which absorbs Bardock's ki attack without effort]

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[Dramatic music fades in]

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FREEZA: Hm-hm-hm-hm-hm-hm!

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FREEZA: Hm-hm-hm-hm-hm-hm!
HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

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FREEZA: Hm-hm-hm-hm-hm-hm!
HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

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[And that's how Freeza fingered almost the entire Saiyan race (plus countless DFM)...]

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BARDOCK: 'Well, I'd say I should have seen this coming, but that would be ironic...'

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{BOOOM}

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'I see it...my son...he...'

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[Vision]
'...he's facing Freeza!'

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[Incidentally, Kakarrot and 'First Form' Freeza never met]
'He's gonna do it! He's going to avenge our people!'

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'But, wait...wait, there's more...'

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'He fights...a giant green bug...man...'

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'...and then a...giant...pink...man-child...'

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'...oh, no. It's dark again! Where...? What is...?'

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BON PARA [o-s]: Bonparapara...

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PARA PARA BROTHERS: ...bonpappa!

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[They are playing dance music through the speakers]

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BON PARA: Bonparapara, bonparapara, bonparapara, bonparapara!

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DON PARA: I'm gonna lay this one down thick like whole milk!

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SON PARA: Raise the cane, ra-ra, ra-ra-raise!

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BON PARA: Bonparapara, bonparapara, bonparapara, bonparapara!

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[Vision ends]
BARDOCK: 'And I now welcome the sweet embrace of death...'

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{BOOOM}

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SAUZA: Monsieur Cooler! It seems that your brother is destroying ze Planet Vegeta!

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COOLER: Very impressive, killing off a bunch of monkeys.
Any liquored-up hillbilly with a shotgun could have done that at the zoo...

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SAUZA: Wait, sir! It seems he has missed one ship.
We are within range to intercept--

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COOLER: No, let it go.

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SAUZA: But, why?

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COOLER: Because I'm a prick.

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NARRATOR: And so, Planet Vegeta was destroyed, along with all its inhabitants.

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Save a lone Saiyan child...

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Save a lone Saiyan child...and his brother...

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Save a lone Saiyan child...and his brother...and a space pirate...

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Save a lone Saiyan child...and his brother...and a space pirate...and a renegade monster and his father...

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Save a lone Saiyan child...and his brother...and a space pirate...and a renegade monster and his father...
...and, of course, Prince--

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NAPPA: Vegeta!

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VEGETA, PRINCE OF ALL SEVEN(?) SAIYANS: What is it, Nappa?

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[Holy crap, Nappa wasn't always bald]
NAPPA: Well, I've got good news...aaand bad news.

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The bad news is...

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...reports say our entire planet has been destroyed by a gigantic meteorite along with all its inhabitants.

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VEGETA: Aah...but, what about--

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NAPPA: Aaand your father.

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VEGETA: My whole family...! My race!

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NAPPA: But the good news is we're going to Dairy Queen!

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VEGETA: My entire race is gone--!

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NAPPA: DAIRRRY QUEEEEEN!

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VEGETA: Just take me to the damn queen, Nappa.

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NAPPA: Yaaaay! This seems like the beginning of a beauuuutiful friendship...

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[Sounds of crying in the distance]

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GRANDPA GOHAN: Oh look, someone threw out a perfectly good baby.

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Aren't you just adorable? I think I'm gonna call you...

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Aren't you just adorable? I think I'm gonna call you..."Clark".

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Heeeey, Claaarrrk.

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'Nah, that sounds stupid.'

333
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Oh! How about "Goku"?

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[Kakarrot (Goku) laughs in agreement]

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Yes, Goku! You like that, huh? Yes, you do!

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Yes, Goku! You like that, huh? Yes, you do!
Whee!

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Yes, Goku! You like that, huh? Yes, you do!
Whee! Wheee!

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Yes, Goku! You like that, huh? Yes, you do!
Whee! Wheee! Wheeeee!

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Yes, Goku! You like that, huh? Yes, you do!
Whee! Wheee! Wheeeee! Whoops!

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{THWACK}

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[And that's why Goku became an Idiot Hero.]

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[And that's why Goku became an Idiot Hero.]
Uh-oh...

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[♫ "Cha-La Head-Cha-La" ♫]

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♫ (Flash!) ♫

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♫ Hikaru kumo o tsukinuke Fly Away (Fly Away) ♫
(Piercing the shining clouds, I fly away (fly away))

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♫ Karadajû ni hirogaru panorama ♫
(While a panorama spreads through my body)

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♫ Kao o kerareta chikyû ga okotte (okotte) ♫
(Kicked in the face, the Earth gets angry (gets angry))

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♫ Kazan o bakuhatsu saseru ♫
(And makes a volcano explode)

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♫ Toketa kôri no naka ni ♫
(Within the melted polar ice)

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♫ Kyôryû ga itara tamanori shikomitai ne ♫
(If there’s a dinosaur, I want to train it to balance on a ball)

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♫ CHA-LA HEAD-CHA-LA ♫

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♫ Egao urutora zetto de ♫
(With a smile that’s Ultra-Z)

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♫ Kyô mo ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~ ♫
(Even today is ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~)

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♫ Sparking! [fading echo] ♫

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["Head-Cha-La" is derived from the word "hetchara",]
[which approximates to "it's no problem" or "I can handle it"]

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[Lyrics and info courtesy of Daizenshuu EX]