SAUZA [off-screen]: Monsieur Cooler! It seems that your brother Freeza is destroying ze planet Vegeta!
COOLER: Very impressive, killing off a bunch of monkeys.
Any liquored-up hillbilly with a shotgun could've done that at the zoo.
SAUZA: Wait, sir! It seems he has missed one ship!
We are within range to intercep--
COOLER [o-s]: No. Let it go.
SAUZA: But... why?
COOLER: Because if he's going to whine to our father for control over the entire system like a spoiled little brat...
...then he's going to accept the responsibility.
If this comes back to bite him...
...that's his fault.
SAUZA [o-s]: Monsieur Cooler!
COOLER: Hm?
SAUZA: Your brother, Lord Freeza... he has been...
...le killed.
COOLER: Oh, is that right? And who, Sauza, killed him?
SAUZA: It was a... Saiyan.
COOLER: Well, I sure hope somebody picks up that phone.
SAUZA: Le wha--?
COOLER: Because I f*cking called it!
KRILLIN: I can't believe your mom's letting you go camping with us after that whole Namek thing.
GOHAN: Well, I had to make the excuse that I'm studying fauna.
I have to chart down 12 different species of fern.
OOLONG: Wow, that smells fantastic! What's in there?
KRILLIN: Oh, you know, just some essentials.
Carrots, potatoes, pooor...
...poise...
FISH: Halt, stalwart stranger! If you let me go, I shall grant you one wish.
GOKU: I wish for you to be my dinner!
[Punching noises] FISH [o-s]: Help!
[Punching noises] FISH [o-s]: Help! Help!
[Punching noises] FISH [o-s]: Help! Help! Help!
[Punching noises] FISH [o-s]: Help! Help! Help! Helllp!
GOHAN: Huh? [Punching noises] FISH [o-s]: Help! Help! Help! Helllp! Helllp!
KRILLIN: Whoa-ho! Sounds like Goku caught a big one this time! [Punching noises] FISH [o-s]: Help! Help! Help! Helllp! Helllp! Helllp!
KRILLIN: Whoa-ho! Sounds like Goku caught a big one this time! [Punching noises]
GOHAN: Actually, something feels... off...
KRILLIN: Gohan! Look out! It's the--
halalalala...
GOHAN: Krilli-- augh, 'goodbye, muscle control...'
DOORE: 'Ey! Look wot I got roight 'ere!
Cute little thang, innit?
SAUZA: As a space Frenchman, I must say, I find zis food completely detestable!
Ze pork is completely overcooked!
OOLONG: Rot in hell, Krillin! I almost ate that!
GOKU: Hey!
You get away from my food, my friend, my two emergency foods, and my son!
In that order!
SAUZA: Well, well! I believe zat is ze monkey we are looking for!
GOKU: Wait, what did he just say?
DOORE: Oi! 'E said you're the monkey we're looking for!
GOKU: I... I don't--
NEIZ: (Gibberish)
GOKU: Alright, just tell me who you are.
♫ NEIZ: (Gibberish) SAUZA: Cooler's Armored Squadron! DOORE: Cooler's Armored Squadron!
♫
GOKU: I am having the worst case of deja mustard right now.
SAUZA: Le suck it, bitch!
NEIZ: Ah!
(Roar)
(Squeal)
SAUZA: Monsieur Cooler! We have zis under control!
COOLER [o-s]: It took us three months to get here. I am not staying in the ship.
GOKU: (Gasp)
Freezer!
SAUZA: Ha! You think zis is Freeza?
No...
He...
He... is
He... is Cooler...
GOKU: Cooler than Freezer? You must be ice cold!
COOLER: No, that would be my father.
GOHAN: Dad! We're coming to help!
COOLER: Oh, is that your son?
GOKU: Yeah...
COOLER: I'ma kill it!
GOKU: Don't you do it!
COOLER: I'ma do it!
GOKU: Don't you do it!
Dang it!
Agh!
COOLER: So... who thinks he's dead?
SAUZA: Dead.
NEIZ: (Gibberish)
DOORE: That boy's dead as mud!
COOLER: Well, too bad; I sign your paychecks. Search the forest.
SAUZA: <Qu'est-ce que f*ck>...? [<What is f*ck> (??)]
[Licking noises]
KRILLIN: Oh... yeah... [Licking noises]
Yeah, that's right, Maron... lower... [Licking noises]
Lower...
Ah! Icarus?!
I didn't say stop!
ICARUS: (Confused dragon noise)
GOHAN: Dad! Wake up! Please!
GOKU: Oh... hey, Gohan.
Do you have Icarus? 'Cause I'm staaarvin'.
GOHAN: Uhh...
GOKU: Where are we, anyway?
GOHAN: We're hidden in a cave. No one can find us, so we should be safe.
Aw, crap baskets...
SAUZA: And now, ze perfect place for a shopping mall!
It will have a cigarette shop, a baguette restaurant, ze Napoleon Museum, and a movie theater only showing films starring Jean Reno!
Hon hon! I'm *French*!
COOLER: Ah, I see a bunch of idle hands just standing around!
So... (clears his throat)
Where's the body?
SAUZA: Well, Monsieur Cooler, he has most likely been vaporized; much like a good portion of ze forest.
COOLER: Really?
Because until I see a *body*, I believe my brother did a better job at killing him than you.
By the end of this, I'll have *someone's* corpse tied to the bumper of my ship.
KRILLIN: Move!
ICARUS: (Confused dragon noise)
(Dragon noises)
KRILLIN: Icarus, if this is another dead rabbit, I swear to God I'm gonna kill you.
OOLONG: He's saying they're trapped under the rocks.
KRILLIN: Gohan, Goku! Are you in there?!
GOHAN [o-s]: Krillin! We're trapped under the rocks! We're running out of air! Help us!
KRILLIN: Wait, why do you need my help; can't Goku bench press a planet?
GOHAN [o-s]: Krillin, move the damn rocks!
KRILLIN: Alright, Gohan, here's the plan:
Take Icarus to Korin's Tower so you don't alert their Scouters.
Pick up some Senzu Beans for Goku and hurry back.
GOHAN: Wait, why am I going?
KRILLIN: Because last time I hung out with him, I totally forgot what his name was and just kept calling him "Whiskers the Wonder Cat" the whole time.
...It was really awkward.
GOKU [o-s]: Krillin? What smells like dragon's breath?
KRILLIN: Shame, Goku... Lots and lots of shame...
[Exhausted dragon noises]
GOHAN: Come on, Icarus, not much longer. [Exhausted dragon noises]
Ah! The tower!
I wonder how Yajirobe and Korin are doing.
YAJIROBE: I told you to use the brush before you got in the shower!
Your hair clogs up the drain!
KORIN: And I told you to stay out of my kitty treats!
Seriously, they're for CATS! Why do you eat them?!
YAJIROBE [o-s]: I swear, the only reason I live here is because it's rent-free!
KORIN [o-s]: The only reason I *let* you live here is because you give the best belly rubs for a hundred miles!
GOHAN: Uhh...
YAJIROBE: Don't say that in front of the kid!
KORIN: What? You should be proud, you know how to rub this pussy real good.
GOHAN: Can... I have my Senzu Beans?
YAJIROBE [o-s]: Sure, fine, here.
KORIN: Hey! Those are *my* Senzu Beans! You can't just--
YAJIROBE: Hey, here's another one.
KORIN: You prick!
That's it, I'm done! Grab your stuff and get off my tower!
GOHAN: 'Just keep moving, Gohan...'
KORIN: D'ah-- agh, you scared him off!
YAJIROBE: You were the one screaming your head off.
KORIN: I want one.
YAJIROBE [o-s]: I told you - I'm not ready for kids!
KORIN [o-s]: Well, when *will* you be ready?!
YAJIROBE [o-s]: I don't know, okay?!
KRILLIN: Ugh... Huh?!
It's morning?!
Goku! Are you--
GOKU: Aw, yeah... That's right, Chi-Chi...
Pour that maple syrup...
All over my breakfast...
You beautiful lady who lives in my house...
GOHAN: You know, Icarus, I know you like flying fast, but maybe we should be more careful now just to--
SAUZA: Well, hello, Diddy.
Where's Donkey?
[Icarus wails]
GOHAN: Icarus!
DOORE: 'Ey boys! Remember when I said I once popped a man's skull with me bare 'ands?
GOHAN: (Groaning in pain) DOORE: 'Ey boys! Remember when I said I once popped a man's skull with me bare 'ands?
GOHAN: (Groaning in pain) DOORE: Check this 'at!
D'aagh!
Bloody 'ell?!
PICCOLO: Okay, I think I got this one:
Pretty one; stupid one; one with weird powers.
DOORE: Oi!
I appreciate that!
But I'd say I'm more handsome than pretty.
SAUZA: And my powers are not zat weird!
NEIZ: (Roar)
PICCOLO: Okay, I take it back; you're all stupid.
DOORE: Someone check the clock, because I believe it's go time!
Hiyaaaaaaaagh!
PICCOLO: Olé!
DOORE: Yaaaaaaaagh...!
PICCOLO: Gohan! You know what to do!
GOHAN: Yes, sir, Mr. Piccolo!
DOORE: I got the little bugger!
PICCOLO: I meant back me up!
NEIZ: Ha ha!
SAUZA: You babbling fool! He was aiming for Doore!
NEIZ: Gah!
DOORE: Huh?
Oh no...
No, no no no...!
No no no!
No, no, no no no!
No, no, n-n-n-n--
NOOOOOOOO...!
NEIZ: (Angry gibberish)
PICCOLO: (Yelling in pain)
SAUZA: Zat is right, I forgot you can do zat! <Trés bien>. [<Very good>]
PICCOLO: (Yelling in pain) SAUZA: I'm going to go get zat child. You finish him off and bring ze body back to Cooler.
PICCOLO: (Yelling in pain) SAUZA: You know how he likes zat!
PICCOLO: (Yelling in pain) NEIZ: (Snickering)
PICCOLO: (Yelling in pain) NEIZ: (Gibberish)
PICCOLO: Gotcha, bitch!
NEIZ: Hah?
(More gibberish)
SAUZA: Huh?!
Ha! <Bon, mon ami>, but not *bon* enough! [<Good, my friend>]
<Merde!> [<Shit!>]
[♫ "The Forest Battle" ♫]
NAIL: 'Hey, know what this reminds me of?'
'That scene from Return of the Jedi!'
PICCOLO [o-s]: 'Not now, Nail!'
SAUZA: Huh?!
NAIL: 'Oh, I didn't know we could do that!'
PICCOLO: 'Yeah, I forget about them sometimes, too.'
[Lightsaber noise]
NAIL: 'Oh man - speaking of Star Wars, check that out! Lightsaber!'
[Lightsaber slash]
PICCOLO: 'Lightsabers don't stick out of people's arms!'
NAIL: 'It's *totally* making the same sound; you can't make that up!'
SAUZA: If you strike me down, I'll only become stro--
ugh...!
NAIL: 'And it's gooood!'
SAUZA: You insolent slug!
You may have killed our men, but he won't let you get away with zis!
PICCOLO: Oh, really? And who's he?
COOLER [o-s]: That's "He" with a capital H, by the way.
PICCOLO: AUGH...!
KRILLIN: Goku! You okay?!
GOKU: I've got... a fever...
KRILLIN: Oh no, what should I--
GOKU: And the only prescription...
...is Icarus.
KRILLIN: Wha--
GOKU: ♫ Dragon meat is yummy... ♫
♫ And I really want it in my tummy... ♫
GOHAN: Dad, I'm back!
KRILLIN: What took you so long?
GOHAN: I... lost Icarus halfway here.
But I have these Senzu Beans!
GOKU: Aw, but those are bland and tasteless!
GOHAN: Ugh...!
You know, in my experience, cooking actually makes them worse.
SAUZA: Oh, I'm sorry.
I saw you risking your life for those and I thought,
"Wow, those must be important!"
Please tell me zey were important.
KRILLIN: Those were our only hope, you *bastard*!
GOHAN: Krillin, no!
[Sauza pummels Krillin in the background] I probably should've mentioned I still have this one.
Here, Dad - eat up!
GOKU: Why does this one smell weird?
KRILLIN: GAH-HAH!
GOHAN: Krillin!
Don't worry, Dad! You take Cooler; I'll take the small fry--
Dad, help!
SAUZA: And now to lay ze coup de grâce to ze King of Kongs!
[Scouter beeps for an extended period of time]
What?! [Scouter beeps for an extended period of time]
Whose power level is zat?!
It's going off ze scale!
But ze only one in zere was the dying monkey and ze pig!
Sacrébleu...!
Could it be...
...ze legendary Super Swine?!
Agh!
Ze hell?!
(Gasp)
GOKU: So, I really don't think I appreciate you beating on my friends and family.
COOLER: So, wait - which one does this constitute? Friend or family?
I'm going to guess friend, considering...
GOKU: Piccolo! You give him here!
COOLER: Oh, I wouldn't go anywhere near him if I were you...
He seems to have come down with a terrible case of explosions...
GOKU: Wha?
(Gasp)
Is that contagious?!
SAUZA: (Snickering)
GOKU: Seriously, I don't want to catch that.
COOLER: Unfortunately, after I kill you...
...I'm going to give the whole planet a terrible case of explosions.
So, basically I'm going to blow up the planet.
GOKU: Goku - Attack Mode Activate!
SAUZA: [Unintelligible]
COOLER: D'uwahg!
D'aagh!
GOKU: Iyahh!
COOLER: I see how you handled my little shit brother so easily!
And that is the history of my family.
GOKU: Wow, I'm... sorry about your dad...
COOLER: Oh, don't even get me started again...
GOKU: Well, I assure you - if I ever have a son, I'll treat him better!
COOLER: Really, it's my brother's fault.
Pissing and moaning if he didn't own every galaxy.
And didn't he just rabble on...
"Dirty monkey, this! Dirty monkey, that!"
GOKU: Oh, that is just him! That is exactly him! To a P!
COOLER: See, though...
...that's the difference between him and I.
He liked to talk...
I... on the other hand...
RAARRGHH!
URAAARRRGGHH...!
COOLER (now with a deeper voice): Tonight I dine on monkey soup!
GOKU: Wughh...!
Why do I let people do that--?!
AUGH!
Uu-ha-hah, ah-hagh...!
COOLER: I'ma plant me a dumbass tree!
That all you got, monkey?
GOKU: HAAAAIIIII...
COOLER: Oh, this is gonna be great...! GOKU: HAAAAIIIII...
GOKU: YAAAAAAAAAAAH!
COOLER: Avon Calling!
GOKU: Agh-hu!
GUAGH-agh! Ugh...!
Ugh...
COOLER: Look at you...
...wasted and gasping for air.
But you don't get to go yet.
When your planet is in ashes...
...then, you have my permission to die.
[Yelping]
[Chirping]
GOKU: Oh... hello, birdie...
I'm gonna call you...
...Toriyama.
Toriyama, no...!
You were taken before your time!
No... no...!
NOOOOOO...!
COOLER: The devil?!
GOKU: Go, Toriyama...
...and teach a dinosaur to ride a ball!
'Hm!'
COOLER: I see! This must be the power you used to kill my brother.
Well, don't think that I'll--
Yah!
GOKU: Not going anywhere for a while?
COOLER: (Focused grunts)
D'huh?!
GOKU: Grab a Snickers.
COOLER: I... can't help but feel we're both missing some context, here...
D'augh! My gas pocket!
GOKU: Now *get off my planet*!
COOLER: Well, alright, if you insist...
HA!
Technically, I can't be on a planet...
...*if there is no planet*!
GOKU: Now you're just arguing semetics!
COOLER: By the way, before I throw this thing...
...did my brother do this?
GOKU: Yeah, but his was smaller.
COOLER: Knew it! Ha!
GOKU: (Yelling)
(Strained grunting)
[Strained grunting continues in the background] COOLER: See, this is the difference...
My brother would've stood around postulating and claiming his victory...
...like some haughty, green-horned child.
I know what it takes to get the job done.
Which is why Father should have--!
GOKU: KA...
COOLER: ?! GOKU: KA...
GOKU: ME...
GOKU: HA...
GOKU: ME... COOLER: Oh-ho, that's fine.
Go ahead, lift it up.
I'll just make another one and--
GOKU: HAAAAAAAAAA!
COOLER: Ah, that's getting really clooOO--
D'AAGH!
I know there's some kind of hubristic irony to consider here, but I'm far too distracted by the coldness of space!
Wait... no, now it's actually getting sorta toasty...
Oh shit, now it's REALLY getting toasty!
GRAAAARRGH, EVERYTHING IS BURRNINNG!!
I really am just like my brother...!
Because if he's going to whine to our father for control over the entire system like a spoiled little brat...
...then he's going to accept the responsibility.
If this comes back to bite him...
...that's his fault.
'But at least I know...'
'I'm... still... Cooler...'
(Roaring in excruciating agony)
MR. POPO [o-s]: Ohp! Hold on a second.
GOKU: Sun...
...you grow my food...
...you kill my enemies.
You're totally worth the skin cancer.
KRILLIN: Goku! You're okay!
GOHAN: You won!
GOKU: Yup! And we all pitched in!
Except Icarus.
C'mere! Goku's hungry!
GOHAN: Wait, what are you--
GOKU: I wanna eat your dragon!
♫
SAUZA: Hold ze f*cking frog legs!
Hahahahaha!
You may have defeated Monsieur Cooler...
...but now you face ze wrath of Sauza!
WAAGH...!
[Choking] 'I will see you in Space Hell... cousin Jeice.'
GOKU: Seriously, gimme your dragon.
[♫ "There's Always Someone Cooler" ♫]