A familiar scene plays before you
A lone renegade
stands at the precipice of
global annihilation.
The grim punctuation to
his warrior race.
You know
the funny thing is,
Bardock,
even if you had seen this coming
There's nothing you could have done about it
- You don't...
You have no god damned idea.
- And even if you told
every single saiyan
none of them would have
even believed you
- Just...
please stop talking.
- And you never even got a chance
to say goodbye to your son.
- [inner thought] I have one of those?
[inner] Oh god, I have two of those!
- Consider this downsizing
on a global scale!
You can pickup your unemployment checks wherever you end up.
- Go to hell!
- See, that was my first guess.
- Ah.. crap baskets
- And so, with a macabre flash of blinding light
The howling laughter of a blood-parched tyrant
echoing through his mind
So ends the tragic fate of
Bardock
Or so you'd think
If you didn't know a thing about
merchandising!
Hit it!
Ah!
[inner] - Am I in a bed?
[inner] Does Hell have beds?
[inner] You'd think they'd have beds of spikes?
[inner] Or spiders?
[inner] Or spiky spiders?
[inner] Spikers.
[inner] Wait.. this looks like Planet Vegeta
[inner] only..
[inner] even shittier.
[inner] Which isn't isn't weird considering the last time I saw it,
[inner] it was blowing up.
- Hi-ho - Ahh
-We found you unconscious and near-death
in a valley not too far from here.
We helped bring you back to health
with our magical, healing spooge.
- Ugh
- Super polymorphic unleashing gel.
We brought you to our town in our pleasant, serene, little planet
My name is Dre,
and this is my child, Tupac.
Say Hi-ho Tupac.
- Hi-Ho
-Ugh
- Where are you from?
- There is nothing about this whole scenario that doesn't make me so disgusted
I want to violently vomit out my own internal organs
I despise you both so intensely,
that I can't tell if my vision is blurry from my near-death experience
or from my unforgiving rage.
If allowed,
once I am back to full health
I will gut you with an honest to god smile on my face
and then proceed to paint the home I built with your bodies
with your very blood.
- You hear that Tupac?
You made a friend.
- YAAAAAAAAAAA
-That came from my village!
[screaming]
- Hello there, inhabitants of Planet Plant!
We are here on a diplomatic mission
on behalf of your new emperor, Lord Chilled
Pamphlets will be passed around to introduce you to your new, exciting lives
as slaves to his almighty horniness.
- Really?
This is how you intimidate a village?
Blow up a house or two?
I don't think you even killed anyone with those peashooters.
Speaking of which,
what models are those? They look ancient.
- Hey...
we were gonna kill one of the sick ones if they didn't comply.
- Oh
kill one of the sick ones
What are you gonna do next?
Waterboard the elderly?
- Look buddy,
We didn't come here to be judged by you.
- Holy...
- Pffff
Amateurs
- Hooray!
Everyone give praise to our new violent savoir!
Dah Who Doraze
-No!
None of that!
Shame on you!
Who needs villagers with their soft beds
and spooge?
Rocks are soft enough to sleep on
right?
I've made a terrible mistake.
- Lord Chilled!
The vital sensors in the blasters of the two scouts you just sent
- ShhShhhShhhShhShhhhShhh
Continue.
- Have ceased transmission.
We believe they're dead.
- [gasp]
♪ OUTRAGEOUS! ♪
In honor of their deaths
my men shall now, and forevermore, be given the names of fruits!
Pineapple!
Bring us to Planet Plant!
- So.. am I Pineapple?
- ♪ YES! ♫
- Alright,
I think I might've figured this out.
This looks like a younger Planet Vegeta
Those two guys were using older models
Maybe..
This is the...
- Hi-ho
- Annnd, I lost my train of thought.
- Hello Violent Savior
I have brought you bread and fruit
- I don't want your bread
or your fruit!
But leave the basket!
- But, Violent Savior..
- LEAVE THE BASKET!
- [crying]
- I swear to god I'm gonna eat his entire race
Damn it! I filled up on bread
- Here you are Violent Savior
I have brought you more food that you detest
- Seriously kid
if you don't start bringing me meat
I am literally gonna shit bricks.
THAT IS A ROCK!
- Thank you Dr. Dre
Your spooge has cured my syphilis
- You are welcome Rza
- Well back to what I was doing before.
- Oh you are just encourageable
- Hello. We are the space police.
- Man, f*** da police
- Not now Ice Cube
- We are here to catch evil space criminals
and various other ne'er-do-wells.
- I can assure you that we have already exiled
Chris of the clan Brown from our planet.
- We are looking for the man who assassinated
two emissaries from the Frost planet.
- You mean the Violent Savior?
- All hail the Violent Savior!
[all] Dah Who Doraze!
- NO!
None of that!
Shame on you!
I wish to meet this man
so that I may reward him!
- I thought you said you wanted to arrest him?
- I CHANGE MY MIND A LOT!
Execute them
[villagers screaming]
- Sweet! Back to 100%
I can go out and eat that whole village right now
if I hadn't already filled up on rocks.
- Violent Savior
my village needs you
- Ah, Space Christ. What now?
- Our people are under assault
by a village from another planet
- Why is this place so popular?
- You don't understand
this could be the extinction of the entire
Saiyan race!
- What?
- My people, the Saiyans
- Oh no
but if you're Saiyans
and those old ass looking blasters
and this looks like Planet Vegeta!
DAMN IT!
THERE IT GOES AGAIN!
Hell with this.
- I am now bearing your child.
- YAAAAAAAA!
- That's right,
continue to blow up the houses
We will avenge my men
and take control of this planet!
Also, we want your healing medicine.
- How did you hear about our spooge?
- Because of Raisins!
Raisin is my intel guy
- Now give us your spooge
or we'll beat it out of ya
- And I'll record the whole thing!
- Now, I'm sorry I had to step in
but that was just getting obscene.
- So, you must be the one who killed my men.
- Freiza?
Freiza?!
FREIZA!
- You wish to wrestle with the great
Lord Chilled!?
Yet you have not brought your own leotard?
Worthless whelp!
You make a mockery
of Wrestle Wednesdays!
You see
they both start with Ws
It's alliteration
- [muffled] Freiza
[more muffled] Freiza
[muffled yelling]
- I don't know who this Freiza is
but he sounds like a
classy lady.
- Release our Violent Savi..
OH GOD!
- These people seem to have a
sincere affection for you.
What is your secret?
-[muffled] Maybe because I don't look like a giant purple and orange tampon
- I have lost interest!
And now
♪♫ YOOOUU DIIIIIIIIIEEE ♫♪
- I must protect the father of my unborn child!
- Congratulations
It's a corpse!
- Ow
Oww!
OW!
ow
oowww
- No! Tupac!
Damn you
big
small guy!
- And now to finish off the
Saiyan race!
- [inner] Wait hold on..
now I remember what I was thinking about..
They call themselves Saiyans..
And the friggin' blasters..
And Planet Vegeta..
And his name is Chilled...
And...
ANND..
[aloud] HEY!
You!
What year is it?
- 2222
- B.C.or A.D.?
The hell are those?
- I'm in the f***ng past.
Of all the stupid!
Asinine!
SHARK JUMPING BULLSHIT!
[Power-up yell]
- What the?! [Power-up yell]
- Oh, I'm sorry
I only fight natural blondes
- I..
am the Legendary Super Saiyan
- Yay!
We're all Super Saiyans!
- I will eat you!
-[sing-y yell]
And that
Ladies, Gentlemen
and those of unspecified gender
is how you split a bana...
[yelling]
Please don't break my butt.
- Okay.
-Truly?
- No.
[classical music]
- You petulant,
impudent,
contemptuous,
whore!
- You mad bro?
- A little! Thank you for asking!
- Then maybe you should chill!
- I'm always chilled!
Ohhh
I get it
Nooooo! [trails off]
Before I die..
I have one..
One more decree..
All of our most..
Elite Warriors..
Must..
learn..
dance..
choreography..
Got to style..
all over..
our opponents
- Well, call it Blueberry.
- Do I still have to call myself Blueberry?
- Well I'm gonna keep calling you Blueberry
- Shut up Raisin!
- And so
with the evil Chilled put to rest
the unlikely hero made his way.
And that
is the story
[voice changing to Goku's] of how your grandpa Bardock
became the Legendary Super Saiyan
- Okay. A couple questions.
-Sure
- Why did Freiza's death ball send him back in time?
- I dunno
- And, what happened to his psychic powers?
- I dunno
- And why did all the little Saiyans sound the same?
- I couldn't remember which was which, honestly
so I just went with it
- Well, I'm sorry, it's just
none of this makes any sense
- Well of course it doesn't
none of this is actually happening
- Huh?
- None of this is real
- What are you talking abou-
- Go back to sleep Gohan.
- Seriously, you want to learn how to traumatize a village?
Okay
See that kid over there?
Hear that mother?
That
is distraught.
- You should write a book
You're like a brilliant scientist
- Well, I am working on this fake moon thing.