Hello. I'm Mr. Red.
Hello.
I'd like to make a reservation.
Is this Trans-Oceanic Airlines?
No, lady.
This is the Pony Express.
Who was that on the phone?
Well, who was it?
Wrong number.
You know, you're a strange horse.
You'll talk on the phone, you'll talk to me, but you won't talk in front of other people. Why?
How should I know?
I'm a horse, not a psychiatrist.
Millions of horses in the world and I have to get the one who talks.
Why do I only seem to hear voices when I come in here?
I want to ask you a favor.
Sure, what is it?
Would you allow me to take your horse over to State University for the weekend?
I doubt if they'd accept him.
He never got out of high school.
No, really, I'm serious.
You see, I attended an alumni meeting last night of Sigma Nu Delta.
That's my old fraternity at State U.
Well, it seems that State's rival college has stolen our mascot, a horse just like yours.
And I promised the boys I would deliver Mr. Red for the big game next Saturday against Brighton U.
Well, since you promised, you can't have him.
Well, thank you...
I beg your pardon.
Maybe you better get another horse.
Ed is very uncomfortable away from home.
But the university is only a ten minute drive from here and the boys will bring him back right after the game.
Well, as long as they bring him back, you can't have him.
Well, look, I'm in a bad spot.
I promised the boys the horse and you're putting me in a very difficult position.
Well, if that's the case, you're in trouble.
I'm sorry, Roger.
Well, that's quite all right.
Thank you, neighbor.
Yes?
Is Mr. Utterson there?
Nope.
Who is this?
Willie McIntyre.
Is this the man who's going to lend us the horse?
Get yourself a mule.
Yes, I understand how important it is for you to borrow, Mr. Ed.
You know, Carol, I've done a few favors for Wilbur, like getting him the contract to build Mr. Gordon's ranch house.
I know.
And the lawnmower, I lend him every Sunday.
Of course, I'm not the kind who would remind Wilbur of these things, but I wish you would.
I'll talk to him, Roger.
Sometimes I can get him to do things, especially if he thinks it's his idea.
There he is. I'll call you.
Oh.
Who is that, honey?
That Roger Addison.
I wish he'd stop pestering us about lending him Mr. Ed.
He just doesn't give up, huh?
He's never done us any favors.
Oh, let's be fair, honey.
Well, name one thing.
He got me the contract for the Gordon ranch house.
What else?
Those theater tickets.
What else?
Well, uh...
So he lends you his lawnmower every Sunday.
Did I say that?
All right.
If it means that much to you, lend Roger the horse.
It would upset you, darling.
Oh, no, no, no.
You've convinced me.
Lend Roger the horse.
That's what I love about you.
When you're wrong, you admit it.
Roger, listen.
It worked.
Oh, bless you, my dear.
I still don't understand why your husband raised
such a fuss over that old nag.
What was that?
Must be a bad connection.
Well, thanks again, and goodbye, my dear.
Ed, I've been thinking.
Not lately.
Ed, listen.
Maybe you'd have fun being mascot for those kids,
just for the weekend.
No, thanks.
I'd rather die in bed.
Well, you may get your picture in the paper.
With 22 football players on my back.
Look at it from my point of view.
Mr. Addison is my neighbor.
He's been doing me a lot of favors,
and it's about time I did him one.
They tricked you, Wilbur.
I heard him on the phone.
Never mind what you heard on the phone.
I'm telling Mr. Addison the Sigma Nu Delta
can borrow you for the football game.
Oh.
Lay it on hard, lay it on low.
All right, stay, stay.
Go, go, go.
Why don't you watch where you're going?
I'm sorry.
My name is Wilbur Post.
I lent you fellas my horse for the football game.
Football game.
With an S and a T and an A-T-E.
Stay, stay.
Yay!
T.
I know, fellas, but won't you even listen to me?
Excuse me, I'm Wilbur Post.
I lent you my horse for the football game.
I'm a little worried about him.
It's his first time away from home.
Would you boys know where they're keeping him?
You are fraternity boys, aren't you?
You are boys.
You are alive.
Why should I want to fool you fellas?
I tell you, Norma's a living doll.
She'll go nuts over him.
Pardon me, my name is Wilbur Post.
I'm here about my horse.
Would you know where they've hidden him?
I'll call you right back, fellas.
Are you a spy from Brighton?
Now, fellas, please, you've got this all wrong.
I'm Wilbur Post, Mr. Addison's friend.
I'm the one who lent you the horse.
I just want to see him.
Oh, well, we've got him hidden where those Brighton creeps won't find him.
Oh, well, would you mind telling me where?
Hi, Hank.
How's our horse?
I think he likes it in that steam room.
We better not keep him in there too long.
He's liable to come out a pony.
Willie, you're a genius for dreaming this up.
Those BU guys will never think of looking for him in here.
The horse's owner is coming over now to have a look at him.
It's okay to let him in.
Check.
Uh-oh, here comes Professor Thornhill.
What do we do?
Don't panic.
I'll handle him.
Ah, MacIntyre.
Hi, River.
How's the steam today?
Nice and warm, I hope?
Oh, Professor, it's pretty hot in there.
Maybe you ought to skip it today.
The heat's liable to crack your glasses.
Oh, I always leave my glasses outside.
Ah!
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
Oh!
Now, off we go.
Who's that big fellow in there?
Uh, that's Moose Jackson, sir.
You better not go in there, sir.
He's still sore at you because you flunked him in psychology.
Oh, I had to fail him.
In his last examination, he even spelt his name wrong.
Oh, I beg your pardon.
Here.
I'm so sorry.
Gentlemen, there is a horse in the steam room.
A horse, sir?
Yes, a horse.
And don't tell me it's the moose.
Well, sir, that horse is our new mascot, sir.
We were hiding him from the BU guys.
MacIntyre, what are you majoring in?
Physics, sir.
Oliver?
Advanced electronics, sir.
And to think, the free world is waiting for you scientists.
Ed, I've been looking.
Oh, sorry, sir, I thought you were someone else.
Oh, it's quite all right.
Tell me, young man, you always wear all your clothes in the steam room?
Well, I... I have a cold.
Oh, I see. That probably makes sense.
By the way, by the way, have you noticed that we have two
horses in that company?
Nobody here, sir, just us and the horse.
Just us and the horse.
Tell me, young man, are you majoring in any science?
No, sir.
Oh, then there is hope for the world.
Ed, it's good to see you.
How are you, boy?
Medium rare.
Cheer up. He'll find another hiding place for you.
By tomorrow, they'll have me up on a church steeple.
Come on, enjoy yourself while you're here.
Have fun with the kids.
Hit them hard, hit them low.
Come on, steak, go, go, go.
My life is at stake in your cheering.
I'm sorry about this, Ed.
I'll make it up to you later.
Just keep the services dignified and simple.
You're not angry with me, are you?
I'll see you at the game.
Wilbur.
Yeah?
Close the door fast.
These drafts are murder.
By tomorrow, they'll have me up on a church steeple.
My life is at stake in your cheering.
Just keep the services dignified and simple.
Wilbur.
Honey, you ate so little at dinner.
I fixed a little snack for you.
Thank you, dear.
Oh, darling, you're not still worried about Mr. Ed, are you?
No, of course not.
Wilbur.
Wilbur, here they are.
Four tickets on the 50-yard line.
Oh, Roger, you shouldn't have bought them.
I didn't buy them.
They're a gift from the Sigma Nu Delta boys.
Pretty good, huh?
If I find him up on a church steeple, it's all your fault.
Church steeple?
What are you talking about?
Oh, nothing.
I'll get it.
Hello?
Yes, he's here.
Who?
One of the boys from the fraternity, Willie McIntyre.
Let me take that.
Hello?
I've got some bad news for you about your horse.
Bad news?
What happened to him?
That bunch from Brighton jumped us and stole him.
What's wrong, dear?
Mr. Ed.
Mr. Ed's been stolen.
Wilbur.
Hello, Edna?
Our boys did it to state you again.
We've got their first mascot hidden at a riding academy.
I'm sure they'll be happy to see you.
I'm sure they'll be.
And guess where the second one is?
Right in the basement of our sorority house.
Good evening, Sandy.
Hello, Mrs. Davis.
Linda, how did the boys ever get the horse out of that steam room?
Weren't there any state boys guarding him?
It was a breeze.
I was a decoy.
You mean they sent you into the steam room?
Don't be ridiculous, Gloria.
One of the boys told the boy guarding the steam room that a blonde wanted to see him outside.
And he left his post?
Honey, when he saw me, he would have left his country.
And what did you do to keep him outside while our boys were stealing the horse?
Well, we discussed the international situation.
Girls, girls, hold it down.
Mrs. Davis just came back.
If she finds out the horse is right down here in the basement, we're in trouble.
Do you think Mrs. Davis suspects anything?
Not so far.
She'd been so busy fixing up the house for Miss Pentecost's lecture.
And what a subject for a lecture.
Ornithology.
That's for the birds.
Oh, poor horse.
He must be hungry.
Let's fix him some poached eggs or something.
Great idea.
Poached eggs.
There it is.
Operator.
Hello, honey.
Will you get me state 11781?
You can dial that number, sir.
Dialing number.
You can dial that number, sir.
Uh, I can't see.
Just broke my glasses.
Very well, sir.
I'll get it for you.
If anything happens to that horse, I'm going to hold you responsible.
Wilbur, stop worrying.
I'm sure they'll find him.
Hello.
Hello, Wilbur.
This is Ed.
Where are you?
They're holding me captive in a sorority house.
Which one?
Where?
To whom are you talking?
It's, uh, it's Max Trellefas.
Where are you?
Alpha Epsilon Mu house at Brighton U.
I'll be right over.
Hold on, pal.
Come on, Roger.
Where are you going, dear?
They're holding Ed in a sorority house.
Max Trellefas just phoned.
Who's Max Trellefas?
I don't know.
Probably the house mother.
Wilbur, I suggest I handle this.
I've had experience with sororities in my time.
I don't need any help.
Now, I'm telling you, you'll never get in.
Well, what can I do for you?
I'm Mrs. Davis, the house mother.
May I please come in for a moment?
I'm sorry.
No men are allowed in this house after 8 o'clock.
I'm afraid I'm afraid I can't.
I'm afraid I can't.
Well, I can't, either.
If I were you, I would leave this house after 8 o'clock.
But you've got my horse in there.
If I were you, I'd go home and sleep it off.
Now may I show you the proper approach?
These women have to be handled with dignity and authority.
How do you do?
My name is Roger Addison.
And I...
I gotta get in there.
Nobody can get by that female fullback except a woman.
Wait a minute. Roger.
I gotta get Ed out of there.
And I think I have an idea.
Come on.
Wilbur, I know you love that horse, but I think this scheme of yours is absolutely ridiculous.
I just gotta get my horse out.
This is my only chance.
It's impossible, unfeasible, unworkable.
And my apologies, madam.
Your mother-in-law's clothes fit me pretty good, eh?
Much better than they fit her.
Roger, forgive my bursting in like this, but I was so worried about Wilbur.
He seems so upset.
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you had company.
Oh, uh, Mrs. Post, may I present Maxine Trelafas, the sorority housemother.
How do you do?
Where's Kay?
At a meeting, as usual.
Well, if you hear from Wilbur, will you let me know?
Oh, of course, surely.
Nice to have met you, Mrs.
Trelafas.
When Kay gets back, I'll tell her you called.
Thank you, Roger.
Bye-bye.
Bye.
Oh, boy, that was a close call.
I'll see you later, Roger. Now I know this is gonna work.
Not if you walk like that.
Hello, I'm Mrs. Adams and I'm shopping for a sorority for my daughter.
Hello, I'm Mrs. Adams.
Hello, I'm Mrs. Pentecost.
Oh, do come in, we've been expecting you.
Come in, Mrs. Pentecost.
Pentecost.
Yes.
Girls, this is Miss Pentecost.
Oh, how do you do?
Nice to meet you, Miss Pentecost.
We're all eagerly awaiting your lecture tomorrow morning.
Well, thank you very much.
You know, I think ornithology is a brilliant science, and I'm sure the girls will just love it.
I will, too.
Rory, would you please zip me up?
Oh, surely.
Excuse me.
I'm so happy that you decided to let our sorority put you up for the night.
The night?
Yes.
Oh, but I didn't bring any... any... at all.
Miss Pentecost, you can use one of my nighties.
Your nighties?
Oh, well, I never sleep.
I stay up all night.
Wonderful, then we can all have a pajama party.
Great idea.
Yes.
How about it?
Yes.
Well, I'll go and get some milk and cookies.
Not on my account.
No trouble at all.
Ornithology is such a fascinating subject.
It sure is.
Please tell us about the blue-tailed finch.
Well, I've... I've never been there.
Is the food good?
Oh, what a delightful sense of humor.
Hello?
What?
They did?
Oh, that's awful.
Thanks, Tommy.
What's wrong?
That's funny.
The dean knows we've got a horse in our basement.
He's on his way over here right now.
But how could he possibly know?
Somebody must have squealed on us.
Yeah, but who?
Oh, we've got to get rid of that horse right away.
Oh, please, Miss Pentecost, not a word to Mrs. Davis.
You see, if she...
Girls, girls, no need to worry.
You just tell me where the basement is,
and I will get rid of the horse for you,
and no one will ever know.
That's wonderful.
You see, not only do I love birds, I also love horses.
Come on, I'll show you the way.
Yes.
Oh, girls, girls, please.
Why don't you just stay here and sort of keep watch?
I'll find my own way.
You keep watch.
Hello, Ed. It's me.
Scram, Grandma.
Look, I've come to take you home. Let's go.
Keep your powder dry, Bloomer Girl.
Get out of here.
You don't need to be the mascot.
No thanks to you.
What do you mean, no thanks to me?
All the trouble I went to to get in here,
and you say no thanks to me?
Well, who do you think squealed?
Who do you think phoned and told the dean I was here?
You?
Yes, Grandma Wilma.
Let's go, Ed.
Getting late, honey. Aren't you coming to bed?
In a minute, dear.
You've been looking at yourself for 20 minutes.
I'm wondering what I'll look like when I get old.
You'll always be beautiful.
I hope so.
I was over to the Addisons this evening,
and I saw the saddest-looking little old lady.
Come on, Ed. Little old lady, huh?
This has been a Filmways television presentation.