Hello, I'm Mr. Red.
A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course,
that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Red.
Go right to the source and ask the horse, he'll give you the answer that you endorse.
He's always on a steady course, talk to Mr. Red.
Hooray!
Wilbur, here's the...
All right, girls, at the sound of the bell, I want you both to come out fighting.
I'm going to listen to my husband and come as a hunchback of Notre Dame.
Why didn't you tell me you were coming as carmen?
Well, I've been trying to phone you since last night, but your line's been busy.
That's funny.
You haven't used the phone.
I thought so.
Wilbur, you left the phone off the hook in the barn again.
Must have been that horse.
I mean, he must have knocked it off accidentally.
I'll go and look.
Excuse me.
Is Wilbur coming to the pageant?
No.
Is Roger?
No, I'm meeting with a little resistance.
As soon as I bring up the subject, he locks himself in the bathroom.
It's no fun without Wilbur.
I wish I could think of some way to convince him to come along.
Well, there is a way, darling.
What?
Before I tell you, one of us will have to resign from the Carmen Club.
Well?
Hey!
You left the phone off the hook again.
So I made a mistake.
I'm only human.
Why do you keep using that phone?
I get lonely here all by myself.
Yeah, well, Carol is blaming me, and I'm getting tired of your negligence.
Ed, it is time you and I had a man-to-man talk.
Okay.
Take off the apron.
Well, I was just helping Carol with the dishes.
Wilbur!
Yes, Roger?
Now, don't let me interrupt your work.
I thought maybe you might like to play golf Saturday.
Not a bad idea.
Now, the girls will be leaving for that parade about 12.
We can tell them how beautiful they look, how sorry we are we can't join them,
and then laugh all the way to the golf course.
What do you say?
Great.
See you later.
Hey, you know it's impossible to get you on the telephone?
Uh-oh.
Ed, if you use that phone once more, I am pulling it out.
You understand?
Yes, master.
You forgot your apron, honey.
Hey, what do you think? Isn't it beautiful?
It's gorgeous.
Oh, darling, you'll make a beautiful lane.
Oh, thanks.
But what good is a lane without Sir Lancelot?
Here's the book.
Just do what I told you.
Tell him he looks like Sir Lancelot.
But he doesn't.
Wilbur's too smart.
You can't soft-soap him.
It'll work.
Maybe with your husband, but not with mine.
Oh, for heaven's sake, Carol.
Here he comes now.
Oh, good.
Oh, hi, Wilbur.
Hi, honey.
Look, look at my new costume.
Oh, that's beautiful.
What's the matter?
I'm having quite a resemblance.
What, what, what?
Here, let me see your profile.
Oh, I wouldn't have believed it.
Carol, wait till you see.
It is simply the most marvelous thing I've ever seen in all my life.
Let me see the other side.
Just as good from the other side.
Oh, it's just marvelous.
Oh, here, do you have it?
Goodbye, Kate.
Thank you very much.
Yeah.
Same face.
It's the same face, but I'll tell you what it is, dear.
Oh, for heaven's sake.
What, what, what's the resemblance?
Oh, it's silly.
What, what, what, what's silly?
Kate says you look just like Sir Lancelot.
What's so silly about that?
Same face.
Well, well, in that light, there is a resemblance.
I mean, if I had a spear in my hand, there'd be no doubt about it.
Get up, Merlin.
Here's your spear, honey.
Thank you.
That's no way to hand anybody a spear.
With a spear, the straw goes at that end.
Coward!
Oh, that's wonderful, honey.
Now, would you show Harold Jensen how to hold a spear?
Harold Jensen?
You're going to let Harold Jensen be your knight at the pageant?
Oh, he doesn't look anything like me.
No, he doesn't, dear.
I mean, whoever heard about pot-bellied Sir Lancelot?
Charge!
Please listen to me.
I've got to find a Don Jose by tomorrow.
Oh, my dear, how about me?
Oh, you're not listening.
I...
You?
Of course.
I'd make a beautiful toreador.
Ah-ha, toro.
Vamos, torito.
Ah-ha, oh, yee.
Oh, Addison, I'd have never dreamed of asking you, but you'd be perfect.
Why, naturally.
I have the figure, the bearing, the carriage, and look at these legs.
Can you imagine these two beauties in silk stockings?
Oh, Addison, thank you so much.
My dear, think nothing of it, because I won't be there.
Addison, that was a dirty trick leading me on.
My dear, you're going to have to find another Don Jose, because this bullfighter is going to play golf Saturday.
Very well.
I won't go to the pageant.
Suit yourself, my dear.
I'm going to go on the biggest shopping spree you ever saw.
Where do I go for my Don Jose costume?
Hello, Ed.
Hmm.
What's new?
Don't know.
I missed the morning newscast.
I tried to catch up with you, Wilbur.
Hello, Roger.
What are you limping for?
Oh, I was practicing putting in my backyard for our game tomorrow, and I twisted my ankle.
Oh, that's a shame.
I was looking forward to beating you, too.
Sorry, old man.
Hello, Roger.
Hello, Carol.
Honey, your costume will be ready in about 30 minutes.
Oh.
Good.
Costume?
Didn't he tell you?
No.
He's going to be Sir Lancelot in the pageant.
Him?
Celeste?
Oh, boy.
What's so funny?
Kay is waiting for you to try on your costume.
His costume?
Didn't he tell you?
No.
Well, he's coming as Don Jose, the bullfighter.
Oh.
Oh, I forgot something.
Don Jose, the bullfighter.
Hey, that's cute.
How did you get roped into this?
Kay hit me in my weak spot, my money belt.
How about you?
Just stupidity.
See you later, Lancelot.
Bye, Don Jose.
Don Jose.
Lancelot.
What fools these mortals be.
Ed, there are times when a man has to give in to his wife.
No wife of mine would make me parade five miles in a hot sun.
Wilbur, here's part of the outfit Miss Ed's going to wear.
Oh, so Ed is going to march in the parade, too, huh?
Well, Elaine and Sir Lancelot need a horse, so I figured we might as well use Miss Ed.
Good idea.
I mean, after all, why should we walk five miles in the hot sun when we can ride on the back of good old Ed?
Look, aren't these pretty?
Bells and tassels and plumes.
Yes.
You know, we could tie a great big red bow in his tail.
Harold, I want to talk to you.
I tried to get you on the phone, but your line was busy.
Look.
Wilbur.
That does it.
I warned you.
What?
I warned you.
I did.
I warned her that if I did this once more, I'd take the phone out, and I'm going to.
Hello, operator.
I would like to have an extension phone removed, please.
The name is Wilbur Post.
The address is 17340 Valley Boulevard.
Charge!
Hey!
What are you doing?
Sorry, I was practicing with my spear.
That's nice, sonny.
Oh, will you tell your mother the telephone man is here to take out the phone?
Hmm?
Look, I'm Mr. Post, the owner.
The phone is in the bar.
Oh, right over there.
Thank you.
Why are we whispering?
I don't want him to know the phone is coming out.
You don't?
Who?
The horse.
The horse?
He doesn't want the phone to come out.
The horse doesn't?
That's right.
Look, sonny, will you play with your spear and let me get the phone out?
Leave that phone alone.
Hello, stupid.
Who's that?
Where are you?
On the roof.
Do you want the phone in or out?
In.
Go home.
What are you doing?
Playing games with me?
Playing games?
Yeah.
First you tell me to leave the phone in, then you tell me to pull it out?
Make up your mind, will you?
Oh, well, I'm sorry. There's been a misunderstanding.
You can take the phone out.
I must have done something real bad when I was a kid.
Ed, that phone is going out.
If it does, I don't walk in the parade.
Is that supposed to be a threat?
You can ride on a big dog for all I care.
You are going to be in that parade.
You'll have to carry me.
Oh, Carol, you look lovely.
Oh, thank you.
So do you.
Thank you.
Where's Roger?
Oh, he's right...
Oh, Addison, come on in.
Kate, if I didn't go, how much shopping would you do?
Six hours and four credit cards.
Olé.
This is the last time I buy a suit off the rack.
At last, they're putting men up in cans.
Wilbur, all we can do is pray for rain.
Please. This suit is not guaranteed against rust.
When I'm ready, you better get Mr. Ed dressed.
My lance locked.
Uh-oh, here he comes.
I'm going to teach that phone puller a lesson.
Come on, Ed, it's time for the parade.
It's growing dark.
Where is everybody?
Ed, they're waiting. I've got to get you dressed.
Is that you, Mother?
Get up and stop horsing around.
I hear voices, but not on the phone.
Ed, for the last time...
Please, you're yelling at a sick horse.
I brought some extra milk.
What's wrong with Mr. Ed?
He is perfectly all right.
Wilbur, he's coughing. Maybe I better call a vet.
There is nothing wrong with him.
Then why is he coughing?
He's faking, Carol. Believe me.
Oh, honey, I know you're thinking of me,
but we can't go off and leave Mr. Ed when he's sick like that.
There'll be other pageants. Let's forget about it.
I'll go call a vet.
No, Carol, please.
Oh, that was a dirty trick.
Are you going to let her miss that parade?
Is that you, Mother?
Mother?
Oh, brother.
I absolutely refuse to wear this ridiculous ponytail.
But darling, all bullfighters wear that funny little hairpiece.
Some of them also get gored, but we've got to stop some place.
Okay.
I have bad news. Mr. Ed is sick.
Oh, the poor thing.
We can't leave him alone, so you two better go on without us.
He's not missing the pageant.
I'm afraid so.
Well, well, how do you feel today, old fella?
Oh!
Hmm? Doesn't look bad at all.
Nice color.
Huh? Lymph nodes feel all right.
I still say he's faking.
You better not be too sure of that, Mr. Post.
After all, the poor thing can't talk, you know.
But...
Is he all right, Doctor?
Heart feels fine.
Sounds very good.
I think all this fellow needs is a good shot of vitamins.
Now, be afraid, old fellow.
Dr. Connors isn't going to hurt you.
This won't hurt one bit, though.
I told you he was all right.
Come on, honey, you better tell the Addison's.
Doctor, do you think he's all right to leave for a few hours?
Oh, he seems fine.
Well, if you're sure...
Come on, honey.
PHONE RINGS
Hello?
Oh, hi, Wilbur.
Really?
Wonderful.
Oh, Addison, the horse is all right, and we're going to the pageant.
Lee?
Mr. Ed.
Oh, come on. Don't worry.
Dr. Connors knows what he's doing.
Mr. Post! Mr. Post!
Mr. Post!
What happened?
Your horse pushed me down.
I think he wanted to sit on me.
Wilbur, I just knew there was something wrong with Mr. Ed.
But he showed no symptoms at all.
He must be psychologically disturbed.
Doctor, do you know of any horse-sitting service?
Honey, that's a wonderful idea.
Doctor, would you mind staying with Mr. Ed till we get back?
Well, I could be back, but it would cost you so much.
It'll be worth it.
Honey, I know how much this pageant means to you.
Yes, but we still need a horse.
I'll rent one from the Brunswick Stables.
They're right down the road. You call the Addisons. I'll be right back.
Come on, Doctor.
So they got someone else.
Well, I'll fix him.
Oh, Carol, hold still, will you? You're rigging like a fish.
Would you please get that?
I can't get the pin in. Wait a minute, will you?
Let me know if I hit your brain.
Did I?
I'm Dr. Connors.
How do you do, Doctor? Come in.
Hello, Doctor.
Sorry I couldn't get here any sooner.
Oh, we really appreciate you coming back.
That's perfectly all right.
Excuse me. I'll call my husband.
Wilbur! Dr. Connors is here.
Coming, honey.
Giddyap, Josephine.
Honey, look!
Now we can't go.
What's the use? I better tell the Addisons.
Don't call us. We'll call you.
Come, Carmen.
Well, I'll tell Dr. Connors we don't need him anymore.
Hello, Miss Dad.
How do you feel, huh?
Oh, you've had a rough day, haven't you?
I know what was the matter with you.
You were lonesome, weren't you?
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Oh, you're a good horse.
Honey.
I didn't know you liked Ed that much.
Well, I feel sorry for him.
I'll bet if he knew how happy it would make you,
he'd want to go to the pageant.
Well, I just wonder if he's well enough.
Look!
He's his old self again.
He is.
Tell the Addisons.
All right.
You tell them.
Okay.
Let's tell them together.
Good morning, Ed.
Good morning.
I've been thinking, Ed.
That was a real nice gesture going to the pageant yesterday.
It sure was.
You know, if you promise to behave,
I'll put the phone back in the barn, okay?
You've got my word.
Okay, I'll go in the house and call the company.
Wilbur, use the phone in the office.
Okay.
Hey.
Who phoned the company to put this back?
Ed?
It's growing dark.
Where is everybody?
Is that you, Mother?
Hmm?
JAPOAN
Booyakity yak a streak and waste your time a day
But Mr. Ed will never speak unless he has something to say
A horse is a horse, of course, of course
And this one will talk till his voice is hoarse
You never heard of a talking horse?
Well, listen to this!
I am Mr. Ed
The End
This has been a Filmways television presentation.