Hello, I'm Mr. Red.
A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course,
that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Red.
Go right to the source and ask the horse, he'll give you the answer that you endorse.
He's always on a steady course, talk to Mr. Red.
Good morning, Ed.
I said good morning, Ed.
Sorry, my mind was on something else.
No.
Hello.
No, operator, nobody here put in a call to Pimlico Racetrack.
Must be some mistake, operator.
Ed?
I haven't made a long distance call in weeks.
Let's see, bills, bills, bills.
Grocery bill, electric bill, gas bill.
Do you see a telephone bill that was right here?
Ed?
Don't ask me.
Don't you look at me with those baby brown eyes.
Hand it over.
Here it is.
Thank you.
Six calls to Pimlico.
Ed, why are you calling a racetrack?
Well, I'm worried. My niece is about to run her maiden race.
Six calls? That's a fortune.
Wilbur, I promised my sister I'd keep an eye on her kid.
By any chance have you seen Kay this morning? There's nobody at my house.
Yeah, she and Carol went shopping. They're having dollar day downtown.
The last time they had dollar day downtown, Kay bought downtown.
Oh, we must be in the wrong store.
Nothing in here looks like it only costs a dollar.
Oh, Kay, look at all these beautiful pieces.
That was me before my diet.
Good morning. May I help you?
Good morning. I like this.
Isn't it, darling? It's really a conversation piece.
How much is it?
Only $300.
That's the end of that conversation.
Oh, may I help you?
This is so different. I could wear it to the theater.
What is it?
It's a rug.
Kay, look. Wouldn't this make a perfect lamp base for my living room?
Isn't it interesting? It has its origins in mythology.
It's a Chinese piece and a steal at only $50.
$50? Oh, I just love it, but I'm afraid my husband would think I was being too extravagant.
Honey, buy it. Wilbur will always be around.
The statue may not.
Perfect lamp base.
Carol?
Yes, dear?
Honey, we are loaded with bills this month.
We've just got to start saving money.
You're right, dear.
I mean, yeah, this one. Andre's Beauty Shop.
What are you doing, patronizing him or adopting him?
I'm trying to keep attractive for you, honey.
And this, this little beauty, the electric light bill.
You'd think we were holding night baseball games.
You're absolutely right, honey.
Carol, I'm going to go get my stuff.
Carol?
Yes, dear?
I mean, I don't want you to think I'm picking on you, but I think we should try to hold expenses down.
Oh, I couldn't agree with you more.
I don't want to deny you anything, dear, but I think for a while we should try to just buy the essentials.
You're absolutely right, honey.
I don't mean to suggest that you should stop going to the beauty parlor or stop buying clothes,
but promise me you'll use a little discretion.
Okay, honey.
That's my girl.
It didn't cost much, darling. Do you like it?
That depends. How much did it cost?
Fifty.
Fifty?
Fifty cents.
No.
But, honey, there's a fascinating story connected with this statue.
Would you like to hear about its past?
No, but I can tell you its future. It is going back.
I can't take it back. There was a sign in the store, all sales final.
Then I'll take it back.
Honey, from now on, let's really try to economize, shall we?
Yes, operator. I'm ready for the Pimlico call.
Hello. Are you the trainer of the Philly Little Princess?
That's right. This is Joe King. Who are you?
Mr. Edwards.
I understand Little Princess is running her maiden race tomorrow.
That's right. What about it?
You shouldn't work her out too early in the morning.
Why not?
I know her family. They're late sleepers.
She hasn't been training too well lately.
Are you sure you know what you're talking about?
Buddy, you're getting it right from the horse's mouth.
Well, I'll try anything.
I'll call you back later.
What have you got there, Wilbur?
Oh, nothing. Just a statue.
Oh.
Ming Dynasty, huh?
How do you know?
Maybe I didn't go to college, but I'm not stupid.
Wilbur, how about nine holes, huh?
Oh, love to, but I'm afraid not, Rog.
Hey, wait a minute. What's that?
Oh, Carol made a foolish purchase. I'm taking it back.
Can you imagine paying $50 for that?
What is it?
Don't ask me. All I know is she wants to make it into a lamp.
Well, if she wanted a lamp, why didn't she buy a lamp?
You don't know my wife.
If she bought a lamp, she'd want to make it into a vase.
Something I can do for you, sir?
Yes, I'd like to return something.
Oh.
My wife bought this here.
She's changed her mind.
I'm sorry, sir.
She only bought it an hour ago.
It's still warm.
I'd like to keep my cash box the same way.
I wish you'd take it back.
We really have no use for it.
I thought your wife wanted to make a lamp out of it.
She wants to make a lamp out of everything.
You stand still for a second, she shoves a bulb in your mouth.
Then you'll take it back?
No.
I know you're not obligated to take the statue back, but you'd be doing me a very big favor.
Please?
I do so hope you're not going to cry.
Oh, all right.
But promise me you won't tell anyone that I refunded your money.
I won't even tell my wife.
I said to this antique dealer of yours, look, either I get my money back...
Yes, you told me, dear.
Look, doesn't that trout look delicious?
Look, what is going on around here?
Oh, dear, you told me to economize, and you'll be very proud of me.
There was a sale on fish downtown, and I bought 30 pounds.
30 pounds?
We'll be eating fish for days.
Yes, but think of all the money we'll save on chicken and steak and roast beef.
Oh, wait a minute.
I had fish balls for hors d'oeuvres, I just had clam chowder, and now trout.
What have you got for dessert? Fish cakes?
Oh, you spoiled my surprise.
Well, honey, what's for breakfast?
Fried fish.
Hey, look, delicious.
Well, bring them on.
There you are.
Here's another.
Hi, Carol.
Hi, Kay.
Well, how's...
Shh, he's upstairs.
How's the fish campaign?
Well, it's the third day.
He should be growing fins by now.
Well, keep punching, sweetie.
As soon as you get him off that economy kick, you go right out and buy that statue back.
Shh, here he comes.
Oh, hi, Wilbur.
I wonder if Mr. Phillips has sold my beautiful statue yet.
Look, Carol, I've got a great idea.
Why don't you let me buy it and hold it for you until you break Wilbur down?
Oh, I couldn't ask you to do a thing like that, Kay.
Well, it was just an idea.
You better hurry, the store's closed at 6.
You say this is an original, huh?
Absolutely.
I like it very much.
How much are you asking for it?
$50.
And how much will you take?
$50.
This is a one-price store.
Okay, don't get excited.
I told you I like it.
Would you wrap it, please?
Gladly.
Pardon me.
How much is he asking for it today?
Today?
I thought $25 was quite expensive.
25?
I'm paying him 50.
Oh, that's for two, of course.
Two?
He told me it was an original.
He's got a back room full of them.
No kidding.
He must stamp them out with a cookie cutter.
I see.
An original, huh?
Thank you.
Here's the $50.
Hey.
Anybody home?
It's me.
Hello.
Oh, hello, Wilbur.
Uh, Roger, can I come over to your place for a sandwich or something?
Sure.
Of course.
You're sure?
Yeah.
We're well stocked.
What do you want?
Anything that doesn't swim.
I beg your pardon?
See, Carol's had me on a steady diet of fish the last few days.
All because I returned that silly statue she bought.
You won't believe this, but Kay bought one just like it.
And she's been hiding it from me.
You're kidding.
What are you going to do?
Return it, of course.
Well, look, let me give you a little tip.
If the owner won't take it back, just say please and look miserable.
He's very soft-hearted.
It won't be difficult to look miserable.
Just think of the price.
Yes, sir, may I show you something?
No, thank you.
I'd like to return something.
I'm sorry, we have a no return policy.
Oh, I don't blame you.
As a businessman, I realize you can't make a profit if you keep taking back merchandise you've sold.
Exactly.
May I ask a favor of you, please?
Would you call my wife and tell her you positively will not refund the money?
Why don't you call her yourself?
Well, to be perfectly frank, just before I left the house, we had a terrible argument.
She's very sensitive about making mistakes.
And I'm very sensitive about returning money.
Then you won't call her?
No.
Would you write her a note, please?
Please?
Write her a note?
Please?
Oh, all right.
Oh, thank you.
I knew a kind heart went with that face.
Oh, no.
It's back again.
I need you to pay $50.
What is this, some sort of parlor game?
Musical statues?
Please?
Oh, thank you.
You have just saved a marriage.
Honey.
I brought you some lunch.
Sit it down, Carol.
I'll reel it in later.
Oh, I'm cracking up.
That fish looks just like a chicken.
Go ahead, dear.
You deserve a good meal.
You mean you're giving up?
You're throwing in the flounder?
I just couldn't stand to see you suffer anymore.
I don't know who to kiss first, you or the chicken.
Enjoy it, dear.
She's out to get you.
It's worth it.
You gonna eat that without a food taster?
Ed, stick to being a horse.
The condemned prisoner ate a hearty meal.
I got the greatest little wife in the world.
And what's more, I want to surprise her and buy that statue back.
I knew you'd weaken.
So did I.
Good, you haven't sold it.
That'll be $50, I believe.
Didn't you return the statue just a few days ago?
That's right.
As I recall, your wife had just bought it.
Yes.
She bought it, you returned it, and now you want to buy it again?
Yes, but...
Tell me this.
Has my competitor hired you people to drive me out of my mind?
Look, I'd like to buy that statue.
I'll sell it to you under one condition.
What's that?
That you sign a written statement to the effect that you will never return this statue again.
Really?
All right.
I'll sign it.
Repeat after me, please.
I do solemnly swear...
Better raise your right hand.
I do solemnly swear...
Carol, are you in the kitchen?
Carol?
Oh, no.
Carol?
Are you upstairs, honey?
Carol, look what I...
I'm sorry.
Oh, hi, Edison doll.
Don't doll me, shifty.
Oh, you found the statue.
Pretty sneaky, getting Carol to buy it back for you.
I don't understand, darling.
I returned the statue once today and I'm returning it again.
But, sweetheart, that's not ours, it's Carol's.
Oh, please, Wilbur returned Carol's.
You bought this for yourself.
I wasn't born yesterday.
If you don't lower your voice, this may become exhibit A at a coroner's inquest.
Kay, are you trying to tell me this is the same statue Wilbur showed me in the barn?
What was he doing in the barn?
I hid it in the closet.
It was before I returned it to the store.
Returned what to what store?
Kay, when you married me, was it for love or revenge?
Now, don't forget, with Little Princess, you got to break fast and stay close to the rail.
Got it.
Now, when do you want the jockey to go to the whip?
No whips.
She cries so easily.
Mr. Redwoods, I was thinking maybe of using blinkers on Little Princess. What do you think?
No, no blinkers.
She likes to read the odds on the tote board while she's running.
I got my hands. I'll put it right down.
Carol, where are you?
Carol, are you upstairs?
Not again.
When I put the statue in the closet, that was just before you brought it back.
I was keeping it for Carol until Wilbur gave her the money.
But when you brought it back, he hadn't given in yet.
So it was premature.
Don't you understand?
Is it necessary that I do?
I'm sorry, darling. I should have told you.
Kay.
Forgive my busting in like this, but why do you keep putting this back in my living room?
It was a mistake, dear.
We didn't realize that you'd gone back and bought the statue again.
Me? But I didn't buy it back.
No? Who did?
Wilbur.
Oh, isn't he sweet?
He wanted to surprise me.
You've certainly got a wonderful husband.
And I'm going to tell it to him, too.
Excuse me.
How's your head, Addison?
Kay, do me a favor.
Sure, sweet.
Anytime you want to help your neighbor, give me five minutes' notice so I can leave town.
You put that there.
What's going on around here?
Thank you, darling.
But I have been spending too much money lately, and, well, maybe we should take it back to the store.
Oh, no. The way that storekeeper feels, I'd be safer taking you back to your mother.
I'm afraid you can't, darling.
Hmm?
You know what they stamped in our marriage license?
What?
Absolutely no returns.
Well, thanks for calling, Mr. King.
Ed, get off that phone.
Good news, Wilbur.
My niece won her first race.
Ed, you promised you would cut out those long-distance calls.
Relax. I'm paying for this one.
You?
The trainer bet five for me, and I won a hundred bucks.
You did?
Yep.
When is your niece going to be running again, huh?
Wouldn't you like to know?
A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course, that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.
So write to the source and ask the horse. He'll give you the answer that you endorse.
He's always on a steady course. Talk to Mr. Ed.
Keep your yakety yak in the street and waste your time a day.
But Mr. Ed will never speak unless he has something to say.
A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and this one will talk to his voice, his horse.
You never heard of a talking horse?
Well, listen to this.
I am Mr. Ed.
This has been a Filmways television presentation.