Hello, I'm Mr. Red.
A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course,
that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Red.
Go right to the source and ask the horse, he'll give you the answer that you endorse.
He's always on a steady course, talk to Mr. Red.
Gee, it's hot in here.
I'm comfortable.
Not me.
Boy, it's hot.
Why don't you open a window?
Okay, but it's not gonna help.
It's just as hot outside as it is inside.
Now it's even hotter.
Ed, you are leading up to something.
Whatever it is, you're not getting it.
Hello?
Yes, this is Mr. Post.
Who?
Acme Plumbing.
Uh-oh.
I didn't order any shower for my barn.
Uh, no, thank you.
Goodbye.
Think the Dodgers have got a chance this year?
Ed, who gave you permission to order a shower for the barn?
I think the Dodgers have got a chance this year.
Ed?
The Dodgers think they got a chance.
Ed, do you know how much a shower costs?
Take it out of my hay.
I've never heard of a shower in a barn.
Why, a horse invented the idea.
It's called a stall shower.
Now, if it gets hot, I'll hose you down.
You never hose your wife down.
Even if I were silly enough to put a shower in here,
we couldn't afford it right now.
Leave that phone alone, Ed.
We don't need a shower.
Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Reynolds.
I thought you were somebody else.
What do you think about my plans for your apartment building?
Well, I did a pretty good job, I think,
and it'll save you a lot of money.
You'll let me know.
Thank you, Mr. Reynolds.
Bye.
Bad news?
I'm trying to get Reynolds to let me build his apartment building for a month now.
I know he likes my plans, but I just can't persuade him to get started.
Know what your trouble is, my boy?
Your face.
Well, I can't go anywhere without it.
No, I mean, you've got a baby face,
and when people are investing a lot of money,
they feel safer with a man who is more mature.
Do you think a little mustache like yours might help me?
It wouldn't hurt, my boy.
Well, I'm in one of those meetings, and stroke my mustache thoughtfully.
Everybody stops and waits for me to say something profound.
Dignity, maturity.
Can I try on your jacket, Rog?
Sure.
With a mustache and my tailor, people will stand up when you come into a room.
Oh, I begin to feel more successful already.
My dignity's a little full in the back, but...
How do I look?
Splendid.
Great.
You must have spoken to the wrong party.
This is Mr. Post, and I did not cancel the order for the barn shower.
Sorry, wrong number.
Edward, I told you, you are not getting that shower.
Oh, my aching back.
You look like Addison, and you're twice as grouchy.
You know why I'm doing this.
I've got to look older.
Gee.
Look, if I make enough money, maybe I will get you that shower.
I don't think that silly mustache will do it.
Why are you complaining about a few extra hairs?
You've got a tail.
But I can use mine to swish flies off my back.
That's enough.
Trigger not only has a shower, he has a sunken bathtub.
You earn as much money as Trigger, and I'll buy you a swimming pool.
Hi, Kay, come on in.
Hi, sweetie.
Oh, you missed a big sale at Mayfair's.
What did you buy?
Who cares? They were bargains.
Kay, do you always buy things you don't need?
Sure, if I ever happen to need them, they may not be on sale.
If I weren't having so much trouble with Wilbur, I'd laugh.
Oh, how is Wilbur?
Just impossible.
Since he grew that mustache, he's been trying to be another Roger.
Well, sweetie, the world isn't ready for two.
I feel like I'm married to a stranger.
I've had that feeling for years.
You know something?
It's that mustache that's changed his whole personality.
Shh, hold it down.
He's fuzzy wuzzy.
Good morning, ladies.
Good morning.
I'm sorry I missed you at breakfast, my dear.
You just missed me again.
I failed to see the humor of that remark.
Now, if you ladies will excuse me, I have work to attend to in my office.
I feel very... profound today.
Wilbur Post, this is ridiculous.
Stop trying to act like Roger and shave off that silly cookie duster.
My dear.
You look like you're peeking at me over a hedge.
My dear, I'm not imitating anybody.
Excuse me, ladies.
It's frightening. He even walks like Addison.
Is he getting cheaper, too?
No, his mustache hasn't gone to his wallet yet.
Well, honey, maybe it will help him get more jobs as an architect.
I don't care about the money.
I married Wilbur, and I don't like that stranger who just walked out.
Look, honey, I've got an idea.
I think I know how to snap him out of this.
Fight fire with fire.
You mean I should burn it off him?
You changed his personality. Why don't you change yours?
I don't understand.
Well, if he can be Addison, then you can be me.
And I can be pretty awful. Huh? Huh?
Huh?
Kay, do you think I look all right?
Oh, you look perfect, just like a fashion ad.
Now, here, hold these boxes if you own all the contents.
Here they are. Now, be po... Don't bounce your head, Carol.
You look so much better when you're poised.
Show dignity. Dignity when you walk.
Quiet. That's the whole thing. Quiet. Now go.
Kay, I don't think I can go through with this.
Oh, sure you can.
Now, don't forget you're me.
Now, go back to the barn and be as miserable as I know how.
Hello, Post Doll.
Well, what are those packages?
Oh, there was a sale at the Mayfair, and I just bought, bought, bought.
Who cares, Angel? It was a bargain, and Kay always...
I mean, I always bought. I mean, she always...
My dear, don't you think you're being just a little obvious?
Wilbur, please shave that thing off and be yourself again.
My dear, I explained to you.
This will help me, business-wise.
Well, it's not helping kissing-wise.
Well, sweetie, how did you do?
I tried to be you, but I wasn't even a good me.
It's Addison's fault. He never should have encouraged Wilbur.
I bet if Roger shaved off his mustache, Wilbur would, too.
Excuse me, dear. Where are you going?
To sharpen a razor.
Shave off my what?
That furry little troublemaker under your nose.
No. I'd be positively naked without it.
Wear a fig leaf.
Addison, if you'll shave yours off, Wilbur will shave his off.
Nonsense. Just because Wilbur and Carol are having a little spat.
A little spat? She's almost ready to leave him.
Think about it.
She's almost ready to leave him.
Think of it this way, doll.
You won't be losing a mustache. You'll be saving a marriage.
But, my dear, be reasonable. I've had this for over 20 years.
We even went through college together.
But Wilbur's been imitating you in every way.
He's been talking like you, walking like you, dressing like you.
Personally, I think it's an improvement.
Sweetheart, they're a young married couple.
And now they've stopped kissing.
They don't shake hands.
Please take it off for your little baby doll.
Baby doll?
Yes.
It stays.
Marriage destroyer, you!
All right, hot lips.
If it means that much to Carol, I'll go and have a talk with Wilbur
and get him to shave his mustache off.
Boy, it's hot.
Boy, it's really hot.
I'll bet if you owed somebody a hot day,
you could pay him back with this one.
No shower.
You know, I'm glad I took Roger's advice.
Somehow I feel more mature.
More confident.
More...
This is how you look to me.
How's this for dignity and maturity?
Mr. Post, any time you're ready for lunch, just let me know.
You're acting like a child.
What are we having?
Canned soup, canned stew, and canned fruit.
As long as you want to be Edison, eat like him.
It's going to be a long, cold winter.
Don't worry. She'll get used to it.
Sure, buddy boy.
Start lathering up.
When I make up my mind...
Nobody changes it.
Look, Edward.
Stop calling me Edward.
I feel like I'm wearing short pants.
Nobody changes Wilbur Post's mind.
I am master of my own home.
This mustache stays where it is.
The day anybody gets me to shave this mustache off,
that is the day you will get your stall shower.
Wilbur?
Buddy boy.
I take a size 38 shower cap.
Well, Wilbur, my boy.
How do I look?
We look like our wives got us at a one-cent sale.
Wilbur, I'm afraid we made a mistake.
Mistake?
We're living in a fast-changing world.
To be successful, you've got to be youthful.
You've got to act young, feel young, look young.
But just last week you told me I should look older.
Roger.
Wilbur, get rid of it.
Did Carol put you up to this?
Did she send you out here?
No, Kay sent me out here.
She told me Carol is very unhappy.
Oh.
So you want me to shave her mustache off and make Carol happy?
Right.
All right.
If you shave yours off and make Kay happy.
Now, let me understand this.
You mean you won't shave yours off unless I...
Right. We go together. It's a set.
Very well.
I never thought the day would come when I'd sign a mustache suicide pact.
Oh, uh...
Shh.
With my shower cap, I want a half dozen large-size Turkish towels.
I think the Dodgers have a chance this year, Edward.
My dear, how do you think I'd look with long sideburns setting off my mustache?
Like a Saint Bernard.
For all I care, you...
Wilbur, you've come home.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Mmm.
Aww.
Mmm.
I've been away a lot longer than I thought.
How did you change your mind?
Well, I paid $2 for our marriage license and it was going to waste.
Oh, I've got to call Kay.
Honey, Roger just told Kay.
He's shaving his off, too.
He is? I wonder what he'll look like.
Like an open-faced sandwich.
Addison.
Addison, will you quit stalling?
Remember your promise.
I've got to get this leather the right thickness.
You've been mixing that for 40 minutes.
I'm not mixing or baking a cake.
Now what?
It's the light. I need a stronger bulb.
We've already changed it twice. Now come on, shave it off.
I'd better use an electric razor.
Oh, let me do it.
No, no, please.
Kay, will you do me one last favor?
What do you want now, an anesthetic?
Would you leave me alone with my mustache for just a few minutes?
Do you want to say goodbye?
I feel like I'm losing an old buddy.
Oh, so is Wilbur. Now come on.
Hey, how do I know? He hasn't changed his mind.
Well, you told me he was shaving his off.
Yeah, but he could have changed his mind. I'd better go and see.
Oh, I'll go and see.
You have a reprieve for five minutes, but don't expect a phone call from the governor.
Your steak will be ready in a minute, darling.
Thank you, hon.
I'll get it.
Don't you burn that steak.
Hello?
Just a minute.
What do you want?
Now, about that shower.
I'd like a needle spray.
Why? What makes you think I got rid of my mustache?
I smelled steak cooking.
Well, you're wrong. I didn't shave it off.
I'll be in the barn later, and you can see for yourself.
Who was that on the phone, dear?
It was me.
Huh?
I mean, I'm trying to reach a plumber.
I was thinking of having a stall shower put in the barn.
A stall shower in the barn?
Wilbur, I'm so glad you have your sense of humor back.
Oh, it's off. Good boy.
Sent Nanta Harry over to see if I kept my half the bargain.
Honey, about that shower for the barn.
Wilbur, you're not serious.
I am. I mean, it's very practical.
You can take a shower on the beach, you can take a shower in the house.
I can use the one in the barn.
Why do we need two?
We don't need two showers in the barn, just one.
One in the house and one in the barn. One.
You're just silly.
Not two, one.
I'm so glad you stopped being Roger.
I wonder why he hasn't been over since he shaved his off.
Will you quit stalling?
But, my dear...
If you hurry, I'll pluck it out one hair at a time.
My mother warned me at the wedding you had a sadistic streak.
If you stall any longer, it'll fall off from old age.
Shave it off.
You'll never find it now.
Kay, will you wait outside?
Just send me hourly reports.
Kay, are you sure Wilbur shaved his off?
Well, yes. I saw it with my own two eyes.
Don't you trust me?
Of course. I'll go and see for myself.
That's right. I want the shower tiled in baby blue.
Uh-oh. There goes my shower.
Down the drain.
You see, Edward, nobody can influence me when I make up my mind.
Wife or no wife.
I didn't think you had it in you.
Well, it looks like it's going to be a long, hot summer.
You can't win them all, Ed.
I knew it. I knew it.
Oh, thank you, coward. Thank you.
May think something's rotten in Denmark.
Why should I fib to you?
I tell you, I saw Wilbur without a mustache.
Then he grew another one in the last five minutes.
But I wasn't really.
If Wilbur shaved off his mustache, I will buy you a full-length mink coat.
Wonderful. My little stole is going to have a big brother.
Wilbur.
Oh.
Mr. Mann, honey, I dropped my pencil.
Well, what is it, dear?
I just saw Roger running out of here all lathered up. What happened?
Well, let's talk about it outside. It's kind of hot in here.
You're not going to start that business about a shower for the barn again?
No, no. We can always hose him down.
Down?
Hose down. Him down. Who down?
Look, we'll talk about it outside.
Now I'm sure something's rotten in Denmark, and I'm getting a whiff of it over here.
Wilbur, stop teasing.
Honey, let's celebrate tonight.
Celebrate? Oh, this. Swell.
We'll ask the Addisons for dinner.
Fine.
I'll run to the market and get something special.
We'll have a good time.
Wilbur.
Buddy boy.
Yes, Ed.
Just out here in the garden, Ed.
Wilbur.
What is it, hon?
Shall we have steaks or chops?
Uh, chops. Steaks will be fine.
Wilbur.
Yes, Kate?
I knew it. I knew it.
Addison, will you come here?
Now, look for your...
Your stole is still an only child.
Wilbur, what's going on?
Yes, dear?
Wilbur Post! What are you doing to me?
Wilbur, why are you playing games?
I guess it must be the heat.
Honey, maybe you do need that shower in the barn.
Well, if you'll excuse me,
I've got to shave.
Addison, are you really going to shave it off?
We made an agreement, my dear.
Oh, well, keep your silly old mustache.
I think I like you better that way, anyway.
Mrs. Addison, do you mean it?
I mean it, doll.
Oh, bless you, my dear.
Bless you.
Wilbur, give me that silly thing.
Know something?
You like it?
Hate it.
I like you just as you are, baby face.
Ed! Ed!
Ed, I just got the Reynolds apartment deal the hard way,
without a mustache.
Good. Hand me a towel.
One towel coming up.
I have a mustache.
Hey!
A horse is a horse of course, of course
and no one can talk to a horse of course
that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. A
Go right to the source and ask the horse
he'll give you the answer that you'll endorse
He's always on a steady course
talk to Mr. A
So yakety yak the streak and waste your time a day
But Mr. Ed will never speak unless he has something to say
A horse is a horse, of course, of course And this one will talk till his voice is hoarse
You never heard of a talking horse?
Well listen to this
I am Mr. Ed
This has been a Filmways television presentation