Hello, I'm Mr. Red.
A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course,
that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Red.
Go right to the source and ask the horse, he'll give you the answer that you endorse.
He's always on a steady course, talk to Mr. Red.
Could you take pictures of both children at the same time?
Sure, my horse, Burndine, don't mind.
She can carry the whole family, and you can climb on too, lady.
Me? Oh, ho!
Gee, you're lazy. Come on, Ed, let's go.
Backseat driver.
Stop kidding around.
Who's kidding? My bunions are killing me.
I've never met such a gold-rick. Remember, it was your idea to come to the park.
I thought I was going to a picnic, not a steeplechase.
You are just lazy. Look at that horse over there, working for a living.
I'll have your picture ready in a couple minutes, lady.
Thanks. Can we all stay on the horse?
Sure. Burndine don't care. She's got a strong back.
Strong back? That poor old horse is ready for Social Security.
She looks okay to me.
Please, she's due right now for the rocking chair and the shawl.
Come on, Ed.
Your picture taken?
No, thank you. No.
Nice looking horse you got there. How old is she?
Burndine's 18.
How old is yours?
Seven.
Although he acts like he's ready for the rocking chair and the shawl.
Yeah, he does look lazy.
Only time he moves is to lie down.
How would you like to buy him? He's for sale.
No, thanks. Burndine's got a lot of good years left in her.
I work her seven days a week, 12, 14 hours a day.
And she never complains.
Well, if you should change your mind, my name is Post and I live on Valley Road.
Funny looking kid.
Hey, lady, they came out great. Beautiful children.
Well, Burndine, so you're going to sell me, huh?
Well, you don't scare me a bit.
No, your four knees were shaking like castanets.
A man's horse works 14 hours a day and she never complains.
How can she? She can't talk.
Ed, someday you're going to find out that you can't enjoy life unless you work.
I've been pretty happy so far.
I can't make a Burndine work 14 hours a day. There ought to be a horse labor law.
Come on, Ed. Let's go.
Hey, I've just got to talk to you.
Why, of course, sweetie.
Are you and Wilbur coming with us to the movie tonight?
I don't know. Wilbur hasn't come back from the park yet.
He spends so much time with that horse, sometimes I...
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know Roger was napping.
Oh, you can talk. He's fast asleep.
Watch.
Doll, I'm going shopping.
I'm going to spend all your money.
Now, if that didn't wake him, nothing will.
He looks so comfortable like that.
Oh, he is. He always sleeps with his hand on his wallet.
When do you expect Wilbur back?
That's what I wanted to talk to you about.
When Wilbur's with that horse, I never know when he's coming home.
He certainly spends a lot of time with that animal.
Tell me, sweetie, when you got married, who signed the license?
You or the horse?
Sometimes I think I'd get more attention from Wilbur if I grew a tail.
Let me give you a tip on how to handle your husband.
It's worked with mine for years.
Now, you see, as a matter of fact...
...the husband goes to the doctor to make sure that his wallet's on the outside.
If it's on the outside, he can't...
I don't know why I bought you this saddle, you loafer.
I should have got you a sleeping bag instead.
That poor old horse, Bernadine. He works her seven days a week.
That's all you have talked about since we came home.
She's 18 years old.
If Bernadine was human, she'd be 126.
Ed, that is enough.
Would you let a 126-year-old woman carry kids on her back?
If she enjoyed it, yes.
A great humanitarian you are not.
Look, Ed, Bernadine is not my horse. What do you want me to do?
Let her come live with us. What's another mouth to feed?
Don't press your luck, Ed. I have enough trouble with Carol just keeping you.
Will you send me out to work when I'm 126?
Oh, stop being so dramatic.
I can see the inscription on my tombstone.
Here lies Ed. Dead.
Look, I don't want to hear another word about that horse.
Wilbur, I hate to interfere in other people's lives,
but if you're wise, you'll take a little friendly tip.
What is it?
Sell your horse.
Sell Ed? Why?
Either that or sell your wife.
And with the cold weather approaching, I would say Carol is a better bet.
Has Carol been complaining about Ed again?
She certainly has. You know, you're spending too much time with him.
My boy, take a little friendly tip.
Spend more time with a little woman.
And it might not be a bad idea to bring her some flowers tonight.
Flowers? That's a good idea.
But I wish Carol had told me how she felt.
Well, the time to start worrying is when they stop talking.
You're right.
I remember now. Carol didn't say a word just before I proposed to her.
She sat there staring at me. Sort of makes small talk.
I said, how about getting married?
Wilbur, I'll never understand why you spend so much time with that stupid animal.
Shouldn't have said that. You hurt his feelings.
What?
Animals can tell how you feel about them by the tone of your voice.
They can?
Troublemaker!
You're very juvenile.
What about that poor old Bernadine?
That is enough.
Haven't you got a heart?
All right.
126 years old and still working.
Ed, I'm warning you, you better watch it.
How can I through that door?
You heard what Addison said.
I'm paying too much attention to you and not enough to Carol.
That's going to lead to trouble and trouble is the last thing I want around my house.
I'm going out to buy Carol some flowers now and I don't want to hear another word out of you.
Now about that Bernadine.
I wonder where Wilbur went.
I'm afraid we're going to be late for the movie.
He's probably out for a stroll with Mr. Ed.
I wouldn't be surprised if he and that horse eloped.
Oh, I'd hate to miss the opening of the picture.
You never know what's going on anyway.
And what sort of a nasty crack is that?
My dear, at the movie you're either gabbing, buying candy or looking for your shoe.
Oh, what a lucky girl I was to have married the perfect man.
No, no, my dear.
You were not lucky.
You were blessed.
Didn't Wilbur tell you where he was going?
He knows that...
Excuse me.
Wilbur.
Telegram, ma'am.
Mrs. Puts... Putts... Post.
Wilbur, this is no time for games.
Congratulations on your anniversary, Mrs. Post.
What anniversary?
You've been married exactly three years, eight months, six days, 11 hours and 12 minutes.
I never get flowers.
Darling, you're right.
Tomorrow morning I'm going to turn you loose in the garden with a pair of shoes.
Thanks, darling.
Thank you, honey.
You know, for a while there I was beginning to think you preferred your horse to me.
Are you kidding?
It may have more legs than you, but in nylons he's nothing.
Well, now that we've had a belly full of this marsh, shall we get on to the movie?
Right.
I'll get it. I'll cut it short, honey.
I'll get the car.
Hello.
How can you sit at the movie while Bernadine stands on fallen arches?
Look, I told you I refused to discuss it.
I'll be right out.
I'll phone you from my office.
Be right back, honey.
Who was that on the phone, dear?
Jerry Williams.
He wants to discuss a business deal.
It's kind of confidential, so I'm going to phone him from my office.
All right.
Oh, honey, don't stand too close to the roses.
Why not?
Next to you, they look like weeds.
Oh, isn't Wilbur wonderful?
Flowers, compliments, kissing my hand.
If my husband acted that way, I'd have him followed.
Oh, I don't have to worry about my Wilbur.
He's like the geyser in Yellowstone Park.
Old faithful.
So young.
Ed, you are acting like a child.
Now, I don't want to hear another word about Bernadine.
But why can't she live with us?
Two can live as cheap as one.
Not when they both eat like horses.
Okay, then I won't eat.
Give her my food.
Now, where's Wilbur?
By the time we get to that movie, it'll be on TV.
Relax, doll.
The price has changed hours ago.
I'm sorry, Roger.
Wilbur had a call from Jerry Williams.
Jerry Williams?
He left for Europe yesterday.
Well, sweetie, he could have called from the boat.
That'd be a good trick, since he took a plane.
A plane?
Yeah.
Oh, no, no, no.
Must be somebody else.
I'd better turn off the motor.
Why would Wilbur say Jerry Williams called if he didn't?
That's a good question.
Kissing my hand, bringing me flowers, full of compliments.
Why is he doing all of this suddenly?
Oh, well, darling, it could be any reason.
Your husband loves you, and he wants you to be happy.
Or he has a guilty conscience.
Your reason will sound better in court.
They're waiting for me.
Poor Bernadine is 130 years old.
You said she was 126.
Well, you know how women lie about their ages.
I have just made up with Carol,
and I don't intend to start any more arguments.
Now go to sleep.
I won't sleep.
Will you?
I don't want to hear another word about this.
It's over, it's settled, it's finished, it's...
Final.
About Bernadine.
Go eat your hay.
Party pants.
Well, let's go.
Coming, princess?
Wilbur, who did you say called you before?
Hmm? Oh, Jerry Williams.
That Jerry Williams never stops working.
Working.
Here it is, 8 o'clock, and he's still talking business.
Several days ago, we started on an expedition to the movies.
What happened? Have I lost the safari?
Sorry, Roger. Come on, girls, let's go.
Don't be suspicious, dear.
Whatever you think Wilbur is up to,
we're probably mistaken.
I just hope Old Faithful isn't blowing off steam for somebody else.
Boy, that movie really put me to sleep.
Wilbur?
Yes?
Do you like my hair this way?
Huh?
Oh, yeah, I like it right where it is.
Top of your head.
Good night.
Would you like me better if I changed the color?
Huh?
How about if I dyed it red?
Or black?
Or do you like platinum better?
Honey, I'd like you if you were bald.
Don't you care how I look?
Honey, you can be red one day and brunette the next.
I don't care.
I like girls with convertible tops.
Wilbur?
Do you love me?
Of course.
Say it.
Huh?
Say it.
Oh.
Night.
Is it so hard for you to say I love you?
I love you.
I can't sleep.
Then take a pill.
I don't want a pill.
Would you mind getting me one?
You seem to be keeping me awake.
Wilbur?
Is there anything you think I should know?
Wilbur, there's something we must discuss.
I know you weren't talking to Jerry Williams tonight.
And if there's some other woman in your life, please tell me.
No.
No, Bernadine.
No.
No, I can't support two.
Carol would never let me have another around the house.
I can't.
All the time.
Bernadine.
What's so funny?
Bernadine.
Benedict, ooh.
Aah!
Ready for breakfast, dear.
What's for breakfast, honey?
Your favorite.
Black coat, burnt eggs, chard, bacon?
Where'd you get this, at a fire sale?
You should have married a better cook.
Didn't you sleep well last night, dear?
No, but you did.
With a big smile on your face.
Hi, Kay.
Good morning, Wilbur.
Kay, I wouldn't go in the kitchen.
You'll have all your hit with a frying pan.
She is in a bad mood today.
I wonder why.
Kay, would you do me a favor?
Find out what's bothering her.
You mean you have no idea?
Hmm?
Oh, yeah.
We talked about it last night.
She made it very plain.
Well, what are you going to do about it?
Hmm? Nothing.
If she wants red hair, it's okay with me.
Excuse me, Kay.
I'm gonna feed Ed.
Now, who's Bernadine?
I thought you were Wilbur.
Bernadine who?
I don't know.
Wilbur talked about her in his sleep last night.
Oh, poor little doll.
Kay, I'm going to have it out with him.
Oh, no, sweetie.
That'd be the worst thing you could do.
Well, what do you expect me to do?
Keep quiet?
Darling, once you tell him you know, it could be the finish.
Just be patient.
Oh, don't eat that, Kay.
I burned it on purpose.
Mmm.
Tastes fine to me.
This is how Addison always cooks my breakfast.
Kay, what am I going to do?
Look, doll.
I'll have my husband pump Wilbur.
Men tell each other things they never tell their wives.
But then Wilbur will know I know.
Oh, no, doll.
Addison may not be the brightest man in the world,
but he ranks with the sneakiest.
I wonder what Bernadine looks like.
Yes, Wilbur.
It won't stop.
Wilbur, stop shouting.
Stop shouting?
I've never heard of such a thing.
The crime is done.
I've already kidnapped Bernadine.
Ed, you are going to get me into a lot of trouble.
She'll never punch a time clock again.
I'm putting her out to pasture.
Ed, Bernadine's owner, this Charlie Woods, just called me.
He knows she's missing.
Where are you calling from?
That phone booth in the parking lot on Laurel Road.
Oh, I owe you a dime.
A dime?
I took it off of your desk.
Go ahead, add robbery to your charges.
Look, I am not going to change my mind.
You know how I feel about Bernadine.
You stay right where you are. I'm coming over.
We're going to settle this once and for all.
Hi, Roger. Look, I got to run.
Wilbur.
There's something I want to talk to you about.
Not now. I'm in a hurry.
But this is important.
You know, there comes a time in every married man's life
when he feels like stepping out.
Don't do it, Roger. Kay's a wonderful girl.
Didn't Wilbur say where he was going?
No. He just jumped in the car and drove off.
But you were supposed to have that talk with him.
I did.
Well, what did he say?
He said I should stick with you.
What?
He never even came in to say goodbye.
Oh, I'm sure this is a misunderstanding.
Wilbur just isn't the type.
Of course he isn't.
And at least you'll get the house.
Wilbur wouldn't even look at another woman.
Where's my Bernadine?
Ah!
Mr. Post stole her from me.
Just a minute, my good man.
I'll take him to court.
There are laws against these things.
You have only yourself to blame.
If you had treated her properly, she never would have left you.
Mr. Don't-tell-me-how-to-handle-Bernadine,
I haven't laid a whip to her in years.
No wonder you can't hold on to her.
I don't want to argue.
Where's my Bernadine?
With my husband.
Ah!
What's he want with her?
She's 18 years old.
18 years old?
That's right.
And she's got another four or five good years left in her.
No way to talk about your wife.
What?
Bernadine is a horse.
He married her. He ought to know.
Look, I don't know what's going on around here,
but where's my horse?
I got to take pictures in the park.
I got to make a living.
Do you mean Bernadine is really a horse?
Sure.
With four legs?
What other kind is there?
Oh, thank you!
Hey, what's going on?
Mr. Post, I've been looking for you.
Where's Bernadine?
She's outside. I just brought her back.
What's the idea of stealing my horse?
I didn't steal your horse.
My horse stole her.
No, I mean, he didn't steal her.
He thought she was working too hard.
I mean, he doesn't know...
Hey, what's going on?
You're a kook.
Excuse me.
I'm not well.
I've had better days myself.
Wilbur.
I know, I know.
You're upset because I've been spending so much time with Ed.
Come here.
Why were you kissing that man?
Wilbur, you're jealous.
I'm surprised at you.
If a couple can't trust each other,
what is there to a marriage?
You're right, dear. I shouldn't have been jealous.
But why were you hugging that man?
Oh, Wilbur.
People.
They sure can get a horse into a lot of trouble.
Well, wise guy,
I just had a talk with Bernadine's owner.
Do you know what he says?
Yeah.
She was a scrawny, unhappy animal when he got her.
Now she is happy and healthy.
And do you know why?
Yeah.
Because she loves to work.
She loves to work?
That's right.
Only through some horses are dumb animals.
A horse is a horse, a horse is a horse,
a horse is a horse, a horse is a horse,
and no one can talk to a horse, of course,
that is, of course,
unless the horse is the famous Mr. M.
Go right to the source and ask the horse,
he'll give you the answer that you endorse.
He's always on a steady course.
Talk to Mr. M.
He'll yakety-yak the street and waste your time a day,
but Mr. M. will never speak
unless he has something to say.
A horse is a horse, a horse is a horse,
you never heard of a talking horse?
Well, listen to this.
I am Mr. Ed.
This has been a Filmways television presentation.