1 00:00:32,783 --> 00:00:35,775 [RHYTHM IC WHIRRING] 2 00:01:19,663 --> 00:01:21,824 [HUMMING] 3 00:01:29,506 --> 00:01:31,542 [HUMMING INCREASES] 4 00:01:31,592 --> 00:01:33,253 [HUMMING STOPS] 5 00:01:40,392 --> 00:01:42,474 [SEAGULLS CAWING] 6 00:01:48,483 --> 00:01:50,439 And now for something completely different. 7 00:01:50,485 --> 00:01:52,066 It's... 8 00:01:52,112 --> 00:01:54,353 [JOHN PHILIP SOUSA'S "LIBERTY BELL" PLAYING] 9 00:01:56,325 --> 00:02:00,614 NARRATOR: Monty Python ’3 Flying Circus-sss. 10 00:02:23,393 --> 00:02:24,382 [FART] 11 00:02:24,436 --> 00:02:26,677 [J‘J‘] 12 00:02:42,079 --> 00:02:44,070 -[KNOCK AT DOOR] -Come in. 13 00:02:46,375 --> 00:02:47,535 Trouble at mill. 14 00:02:47,584 --> 00:02:49,575 Oh, no. What sort of trouble? 15 00:02:49,628 --> 00:02:51,368 One of crossbeams gone out askew on treadle. 16 00:02:51,421 --> 00:02:52,752 Pardon? 17 00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:57,212 I don't understand what you're saying. 18 00:02:57,260 --> 00:03:00,297 One of the crossbeams has gone out askew on the treadle. 19 00:03:00,347 --> 00:03:02,429 Well, what on earth does that mean? 20 00:03:02,432 --> 00:03:04,764 I don't know. Mr. Wentworth told me to come in here 21 00:03:04,976 --> 00:03:06,716 and say that there was trouble at the mill, that's all. 22 00:03:06,770 --> 00:03:09,136 I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition. 23 00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:12,727 [J‘J‘] 24 00:03:12,776 --> 00:03:16,109 Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. 25 00:03:16,113 --> 00:03:18,024 Our chief weapon is surprise. 26 00:03:18,073 --> 00:03:19,483 Surprise and fear. Fear and surprise. 27 00:03:19,533 --> 00:03:21,569 Our two weapons are fear and surprise. 28 00:03:21,618 --> 00:03:23,199 And ruthless efficiency. 29 00:03:23,245 --> 00:03:26,203 Our three weapons are fear and surprise 30 00:03:26,248 --> 00:03:27,658 and ruthless efficiency. 31 00:03:27,708 --> 00:03:29,164 And an almost fanatical devotion to the pope. 32 00:03:29,209 --> 00:03:31,120 Uh! Four. No. 33 00:03:31,128 --> 00:03:32,993 Amongst our weapons... 34 00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:37,046 Amongst our weaponry are 35 00:03:37,092 --> 00:03:39,299 such elements as fear, su-- I'll come in again. 36 00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:47,424 I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition. 37 00:03:50,772 --> 00:03:53,639 Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. 38 00:03:53,650 --> 00:03:56,813 Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements 39 00:03:56,820 --> 00:03:59,436 as fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, 40 00:03:59,489 --> 00:04:01,400 and almost fanatical devotion to the pope. 41 00:04:01,450 --> 00:04:03,236 And nice red uniforms. Oh, damn! 42 00:04:03,285 --> 00:04:05,992 l-l can't say it, you'll have to say it. 43 00:04:05,996 --> 00:04:07,486 What? 44 00:04:07,497 --> 00:04:09,158 You'll have to say the bit, "Our chief weapons are:" 45 00:04:09,207 --> 00:04:11,163 Why, I couldn't do that. 46 00:04:16,673 --> 00:04:19,255 I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition. 47 00:04:22,179 --> 00:04:24,716 Uh-uh, nobody, um... 48 00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:26,676 -Expects. -Um, expects. 49 00:04:26,683 --> 00:04:29,800 Nobody expects the, urn, Spanish, um... 50 00:04:30,020 --> 00:04:32,306 -Inquisition. -I know, I know. 51 00:04:32,355 --> 00:04:34,471 Nobody expects the Spanish inquisition. 52 00:04:34,524 --> 00:04:36,731 -In fact, those who do-- -Our chief weapons are... 53 00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:40,019 Our chief weapons are, um... Uh”.Sun 54 00:04:40,071 --> 00:04:41,652 -Surprise. -Surprise. 55 00:04:41,698 --> 00:04:44,360 That's it. Stop, stop. Stop there. Stop there. Stop. 56 00:04:44,409 --> 00:04:46,525 Our chief weapon is surprise... 57 00:04:46,578 --> 00:04:48,114 BIah-blah-blah-blah-blah. 58 00:04:48,163 --> 00:04:52,372 Cardinal, read the charges. 59 00:04:52,417 --> 00:04:54,533 "You are hereby charged that you did, 60 00:04:54,544 --> 00:04:56,785 "on diverse dates, commit heresy 61 00:04:56,838 --> 00:04:58,703 against the Holy Church." 62 00:04:58,715 --> 00:05:01,206 -J‘ My old man-- J‘ -That's enough. 63 00:05:05,138 --> 00:05:08,380 Now... how do you plead? 64 00:05:08,391 --> 00:05:09,972 We're innocent. 65 00:05:10,018 --> 00:05:12,384 [DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER] 66 00:05:14,606 --> 00:05:18,019 We'll soon change your mind about that! 67 00:05:19,569 --> 00:05:22,356 Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless... Ooh! 68 00:05:24,282 --> 00:05:25,772 Now. 69 00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:29,530 Cardinal, the rack. 70 00:05:29,579 --> 00:05:33,367 [GRUNTING] 71 00:05:40,215 --> 00:05:41,580 You... 72 00:05:42,801 --> 00:05:44,257 Right. 73 00:05:45,720 --> 00:05:47,756 Tie her down. 74 00:05:51,184 --> 00:05:54,017 [MEN LAUGHING AND GRUNTING] 75 00:06:08,618 --> 00:06:09,698 Right. 76 00:06:11,454 --> 00:06:13,240 How do you plead? 77 00:06:13,290 --> 00:06:14,325 Innocent 78 00:06:14,374 --> 00:06:16,535 Ha! Right! 79 00:06:16,585 --> 00:06:20,749 Cardinal, give the rack-- Oh, dear. 80 00:06:20,797 --> 00:06:22,708 Give the rack... 81 00:06:22,757 --> 00:06:25,123 -a turn. 44.. 82 00:06:25,135 --> 00:06:27,342 I know. I know you can't. I didn't want to say anything. 83 00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:30,470 -| just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake. -|-l-- 84 00:06:30,515 --> 00:06:32,130 It makes it all seem so stupid. 85 00:06:32,142 --> 00:06:33,473 Shall I, um--? 86 00:06:33,476 --> 00:06:36,058 Oh, God, just pretend, for God's sake. 87 00:06:36,104 --> 00:06:37,719 [LAUGHING] 88 00:06:43,236 --> 00:06:45,352 [DOORBELL RINGS] 89 00:06:51,036 --> 00:06:53,778 Ah, hello. Uh, you don't know me, but I'm from the BBC. 90 00:06:53,830 --> 00:06:56,742 Um, we were wondering if you'd come and answer the door 91 00:06:56,791 --> 00:06:59,328 in a sketch over there in that sort of direction? 92 00:06:59,336 --> 00:07:01,497 You wouldn't have to do anything, just open the door and that's it. 93 00:07:01,546 --> 00:07:04,458 -Oh, well, all right, yes. -Jolly good, come this way. 94 00:07:06,468 --> 00:07:09,301 Yes, uh, we're on film at the moment, you see? 95 00:07:09,346 --> 00:07:11,052 It's a link, is it? 96 00:07:11,097 --> 00:07:13,088 Yes, that's right, that sort of thing. Yes, a link. 97 00:07:13,141 --> 00:07:16,053 Uh, it's all a bit zany, you know, a bit madcap funster. 98 00:07:16,102 --> 00:07:18,764 I don't fully understand it myself. The kids seem to like it. 99 00:07:18,980 --> 00:07:21,016 I much prefer, uh, Des O'Connor, 100 00:07:21,024 --> 00:07:23,231 Rolf Harris, Tom Jones, you know... 101 00:07:23,276 --> 00:07:25,312 [CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY] 102 00:07:30,033 --> 00:07:31,739 [ENGINE STARTS] 103 00:07:52,222 --> 00:07:53,712 You do a lot of this sort of thing, do you? 104 00:07:53,723 --> 00:07:56,214 Quite a lot, yes, quite a lot. I'm mainly in comedy. 105 00:07:56,226 --> 00:07:58,558 Uh, I'd like to be in program planning, actually, 106 00:07:58,603 --> 00:08:02,016 but, uh, unfortunately, I've got a degree. 107 00:08:28,258 --> 00:08:29,998 [DOORBELL RINGS] 108 00:08:30,051 --> 00:08:32,542 Joke,sh? Guaranteed amusing. 109 00:08:32,595 --> 00:08:34,586 As used by the crowned heads of Europe. 110 00:08:34,597 --> 00:08:37,054 Has brought tears to the eyes of royalty. 111 00:08:37,100 --> 00:08:40,217 "Denmark has never laughed so much." The Stage. 112 00:08:40,270 --> 00:08:41,726 Nice little novelty number, 113 00:08:41,771 --> 00:08:44,478 a "naughty Humphrey." Breaks the ice at parties. 114 00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:47,266 Put it on the table, press the button, it vomits. 115 00:08:47,277 --> 00:08:50,314 Absolutely guaranteed. With refills. 116 00:08:50,363 --> 00:08:52,354 Black soap, leave it in the bathroom, 117 00:08:52,407 --> 00:08:53,613 they wash their hands, 118 00:08:53,658 --> 00:08:55,319 real fungus grows on the fingers. 119 00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:56,608 Can't get it off for hours. 120 00:08:56,661 --> 00:08:58,526 Guaranteed to break the ice at parties. 121 00:08:58,580 --> 00:09:00,946 Frighten the elderly. Real snakes. 122 00:09:00,957 --> 00:09:02,743 Comedy-hernia kit. 123 00:09:02,959 --> 00:09:05,541 Plastic flesh wounds, just keep your friends in stitches. 124 00:09:05,587 --> 00:09:08,294 Guaranteed to break the ice at parties. 125 00:09:08,298 --> 00:09:10,664 Hours of fun with "Honeymoon Delight." 126 00:09:10,717 --> 00:09:13,959 Empty into their beds, real skunkjuice. 127 00:09:13,970 --> 00:09:15,961 They won't forget their wedding night. 128 00:09:15,972 --> 00:09:17,963 Sticks to the skin, absolutely waterproof, 129 00:09:18,016 --> 00:09:20,428 guaranteed to break the ice at parties. 130 00:09:20,477 --> 00:09:23,560 Amuse your friends. CS gas canisters. 131 00:09:23,605 --> 00:09:25,971 Smells, tastes and acts just like the real thing. 132 00:09:26,024 --> 00:09:28,060 Can blind, maim or kill. 133 00:09:28,109 --> 00:09:30,100 Or for drinks, why not buy a Wicked Willy, 134 00:09:30,153 --> 00:09:31,563 with a life-size winkle? 135 00:09:31,613 --> 00:09:34,150 Serves warm beer. Makes real cocktails. 136 00:09:34,157 --> 00:09:35,613 Hours Of amusement. 137 00:09:35,658 --> 00:09:37,398 Or get the new Pooh-Pooh Machine. 138 00:09:37,452 --> 00:09:39,989 Embarrass your guests, completely authentic sound. 139 00:09:39,996 --> 00:09:42,237 Or why not try a new Naughty Nightie. 140 00:09:42,290 --> 00:09:45,498 Put it on and it melts. Just watch their faces. 141 00:09:45,502 --> 00:09:48,164 Guaranteed to break the ice at naughty parties. 142 00:09:52,509 --> 00:09:54,670 -Go on, go on. -What? 143 00:09:54,719 --> 00:09:56,425 Do the punch line. 144 00:09:56,471 --> 00:09:57,551 What punch line? 145 00:09:57,597 --> 00:10:00,054 The punch line for this bit. 146 00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:02,466 I don't know it. They didn't say anything about a punch line. 147 00:10:04,145 --> 00:10:05,430 Oh! 148 00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:06,765 Uh, well, in that case, 149 00:10:06,815 --> 00:10:10,182 I'll be saying, uh, goodbye then, sir. 150 00:10:10,235 --> 00:10:12,100 Goodbye, then, sir. 151 00:10:13,363 --> 00:10:14,694 It's funny they didn't say... 152 00:10:21,037 --> 00:10:23,369 -What's the punch line? -Punch line? 153 00:10:23,414 --> 00:10:25,530 I don't think there's a punch line scheduled, is there? 154 00:10:25,542 --> 00:10:28,409 Where are we? Week 39.4, no. 155 00:10:28,461 --> 00:10:31,077 It's Friday, isn't it? 39.7. 156 00:10:31,131 --> 00:10:34,715 Uh... Here we are. 157 00:10:34,717 --> 00:10:36,503 Oh. 158 00:10:36,553 --> 00:10:38,794 [LAUGHING] 159 00:10:42,308 --> 00:10:46,301 Oh, very good. Oh, very good. 160 00:10:46,354 --> 00:10:49,061 What a good punch line. Ah. Pity we missed that. 161 00:10:49,065 --> 00:10:50,851 Still, uh, never mind, we can always do it again. 162 00:10:51,067 --> 00:10:54,309 Make a series out of it. Now, if you'll just sign there, 163 00:10:54,362 --> 00:10:57,320 I'll put this through to our contracts department, 164 00:10:57,365 --> 00:11:00,983 and, uh, you should be hearing from them in a year or two. 165 00:11:01,035 --> 00:11:02,400 Can you give me a lift back? 166 00:11:02,453 --> 00:11:04,614 Ah, can do. But won't. 167 00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:06,746 Uh, we were wondering if we could possibly 168 00:11:06,791 --> 00:11:08,782 borrow your head for a piece of animation. 169 00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:11,459 -What? -Oh, jolly good. Thanks very, very, very much. 170 00:11:11,504 --> 00:11:14,086 -Ah! -You will get expenses. 171 00:11:14,090 --> 00:11:16,502 Ah! Ah! Ah! 172 00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:21,044 [GROANING] 173 00:11:22,724 --> 00:11:25,136 [ENGINE RUMBLING] 174 00:11:33,610 --> 00:11:36,147 MAN 1: Sergeant, somehow we've got to get in there and get it. 175 00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:38,278 MAN 2: I know, but it's going to be difficult. 176 00:11:38,281 --> 00:11:40,317 -MAN 1: You'll need some diversion. -MAN 2: Yes, sir. But what? 177 00:11:40,366 --> 00:11:42,573 MAN 1: Well, we could, uh-- No, no, no, it's got to be-- 178 00:11:42,619 --> 00:11:45,656 No, not right. Wait, I've got it. 179 00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:48,196 [J‘J‘] 180 00:12:02,639 --> 00:12:05,130 Well done, soldier. Load and fire. 181 00:12:05,183 --> 00:12:07,469 Yes, sir. 182 00:12:07,518 --> 00:12:08,974 Fire. 183 00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:14,522 MAN: Ah! Ready, aim, fire! 184 00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:17,980 We are not amused. 185 00:12:22,367 --> 00:12:24,483 [MAN HUMMING] 186 00:12:36,798 --> 00:12:38,334 [MAN CLEARS THROAT] 187 00:12:40,802 --> 00:12:43,839 Gentlemen, our MP saw the PM this am, 188 00:12:44,013 --> 00:12:46,595 and the PM wants more LSD from the PIB 189 00:12:46,641 --> 00:12:48,632 by tomorrow am. or pm. at the latest. 190 00:12:48,685 --> 00:12:51,643 I, uh, told the PM's PPS that am. was NBG 191 00:12:51,688 --> 00:12:54,430 so tomorrow p.m. it is for the PM nem. con. 192 00:12:54,482 --> 00:12:58,066 Give us a fag or I'll go spare. 193 00:12:58,111 --> 00:13:01,103 Now, the fiscal deficit, 194 00:13:01,155 --> 00:13:03,271 uh, with regard to the monetary balance 195 00:13:03,324 --> 00:13:05,690 the current financial year, excluding invisible exports, 196 00:13:05,743 --> 00:13:08,029 adjusted, of course, for seasonal variations 197 00:13:08,037 --> 00:13:09,493 and the incremental statistics 198 00:13:09,539 --> 00:13:11,495 of the fiscal and revenue arrangements 199 00:13:11,541 --> 00:13:13,202 for the forthcoming annual budgetary period 200 00:13:13,209 --> 00:13:14,540 terminating in April. 201 00:13:14,585 --> 00:13:17,702 I-I think he's talking about taxation. 202 00:13:17,755 --> 00:13:21,247 Bravo, Madge. Well done. 203 00:13:21,301 --> 00:13:24,509 Taxation is indeed the very nub of my gist. 204 00:13:24,554 --> 00:13:28,547 Gentlemen, we have to find something new to tax. 205 00:13:28,599 --> 00:13:30,214 I understood that. 206 00:13:30,268 --> 00:13:32,725 Uh, ifl might put my head on the chopping block 207 00:13:32,729 --> 00:13:35,436 -so you can kick it around a bit, sir. -Mm-hm. 208 00:13:35,481 --> 00:13:39,065 Um, well, most things we do for pleasure nowadays are taxed. 209 00:13:39,068 --> 00:13:41,229 Except one. 210 00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:43,440 What do you mean? 211 00:13:43,489 --> 00:13:46,572 Well, uh, smoking's been taxed. 212 00:13:46,576 --> 00:13:50,615 Drinking's been taxed. But, uh, not, uh... 213 00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:52,119 thingy. 214 00:13:57,128 --> 00:13:59,460 You're not suggesting we should tax... 215 00:14:01,549 --> 00:14:02,629 thingy? 216 00:14:02,675 --> 00:14:04,461 Pooh-poohs? 217 00:14:04,510 --> 00:14:06,125 No! 218 00:14:06,179 --> 00:14:09,262 Thank God for that. Excuse me for a moment. 219 00:14:10,516 --> 00:14:13,053 No, no, no. Thingy. 220 00:14:13,102 --> 00:14:14,308 Number ones? 221 00:14:14,354 --> 00:14:16,766 No. Thingy. 222 00:14:16,981 --> 00:14:18,517 Thingy. 223 00:14:18,566 --> 00:14:20,773 Oh! 224 00:14:20,985 --> 00:14:23,271 Thingy. 225 00:14:23,279 --> 00:14:25,110 Well, it'll certainly make chartered accountancy 226 00:14:25,114 --> 00:14:27,025 a more interesting job. 227 00:14:27,075 --> 00:14:30,158 [GRUNTING] I would put a tax... 228 00:14:30,203 --> 00:14:33,070 on all people... 229 00:14:33,122 --> 00:14:36,034 who stand in water. 230 00:14:41,005 --> 00:14:42,245 Ooh! 231 00:14:44,675 --> 00:14:46,381 To boost the British economy, 232 00:14:46,427 --> 00:14:49,260 I'd tax all foreigners living abroad. 233 00:14:50,681 --> 00:14:55,015 I would tax the nude in my bed. 234 00:14:55,061 --> 00:14:57,518 No, not tax. 235 00:14:57,563 --> 00:15:01,147 What is the word? Um... Welcome. 236 00:15:01,192 --> 00:15:05,652 I would tax Raquel Welch. 237 00:15:05,655 --> 00:15:07,987 And I've a feeling she'd tax me. 238 00:15:08,032 --> 00:15:12,150 I would bring back hanging and go into rope. 239 00:15:12,161 --> 00:15:14,698 I would cut off the more disreputable parts of the body 240 00:15:14,747 --> 00:15:17,204 and use the space for playing fields. 241 00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:20,333 I would tax holiday snaps. 242 00:15:20,378 --> 00:15:22,243 [CAMERA CLICKS] 243 00:15:22,296 --> 00:15:27,461 This is Uncle Ted in front of the house. 244 00:15:27,510 --> 00:15:30,718 This is Uncle Ted at the back of the house. 245 00:15:30,763 --> 00:15:33,800 And this is Uncle Ted at the side of the house. 246 00:15:34,016 --> 00:15:37,759 This is Uncle Ted back again at the front of the house, 247 00:15:37,812 --> 00:15:40,303 but you can see the side of the house. 248 00:15:40,356 --> 00:15:43,268 And this is Uncle Ted even nearer the side of the house, 249 00:15:43,317 --> 00:15:46,229 but you can still see the front. 250 00:15:46,279 --> 00:15:48,736 This is the back of the house, with Uncle Ted 251 00:15:48,781 --> 00:15:53,115 coming round the side to the front. 252 00:15:53,161 --> 00:15:55,493 And this is the Spanish Inquisition 253 00:15:55,538 --> 00:15:57,699 hiding behind the coal shed. 254 00:15:57,707 --> 00:16:01,120 Oh, I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition. 255 00:16:01,169 --> 00:16:04,002 [J‘J‘] 256 00:16:04,046 --> 00:16:06,537 Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. 257 00:16:12,555 --> 00:16:15,388 [NARRATOR RECITING] 258 00:16:47,715 --> 00:16:50,001 [MAN LAUGHING] 259 00:16:56,516 --> 00:16:57,676 Ha! 260 00:16:57,725 --> 00:17:00,011 Now, old woman, 261 00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:02,351 you are accused of heresy on three counts. 262 00:17:02,396 --> 00:17:03,681 Heresy by thought, heresy by word, 263 00:17:03,731 --> 00:17:05,267 heresy by deed and heresy by action. 264 00:17:05,316 --> 00:17:06,726 Four counts. 265 00:17:08,152 --> 00:17:09,437 Do you confess? 266 00:17:09,487 --> 00:17:11,944 I don't understand what I'm accused of. 267 00:17:11,989 --> 00:17:13,354 [LAUGHING] Ha! 268 00:17:13,407 --> 00:17:16,695 Then we shall make you understand. 269 00:17:16,744 --> 00:17:18,609 Biggles... 270 00:17:20,414 --> 00:17:23,281 Fetch... the cushions. 271 00:17:23,334 --> 00:17:26,576 [J‘J‘] 272 00:17:26,629 --> 00:17:28,540 Here they are, lord. 273 00:17:28,589 --> 00:17:31,126 Now, old lady, you have one last chance. 274 00:17:31,175 --> 00:17:33,006 Confess the heinous sin of heresy, 275 00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:35,293 reject the works of the ungodly-- Two last chances. 276 00:17:35,346 --> 00:17:38,008 And you shall be free. Three last chances. 277 00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:39,718 You have three last chances 278 00:17:39,767 --> 00:17:42,099 the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance. 279 00:17:42,144 --> 00:17:44,100 I don't know what you're talking about. 280 00:17:44,146 --> 00:17:45,352 Right! 281 00:17:45,398 --> 00:17:49,311 If that's the way you want it. Cardinal... 282 00:17:49,318 --> 00:17:52,651 poke her with the soft cushions! 283 00:17:52,697 --> 00:17:54,233 [LAUGHING] 284 00:17:58,452 --> 00:18:00,113 It isn't hurting her, lord. 285 00:18:00,162 --> 00:18:01,652 Have you got all the stuffing up one end? 286 00:18:01,664 --> 00:18:03,154 Yes, lord. 287 00:18:05,042 --> 00:18:08,034 Hm. She's made of harder stuff. 288 00:18:08,087 --> 00:18:09,748 Cardinal Fang, 289 00:18:11,173 --> 00:18:14,631 fetch the comfy chair. 290 00:18:19,015 --> 00:18:21,051 The comfy chair? 291 00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:22,180 Yes. 292 00:18:26,647 --> 00:18:30,686 -Ha-ha! -Ha-ha! 293 00:18:30,735 --> 00:18:32,646 So, you think you are strong 294 00:18:32,695 --> 00:18:35,357 because you can survive the soft cushions. 295 00:18:35,364 --> 00:18:38,026 Well, we shall see. 296 00:18:38,034 --> 00:18:41,993 Biggles! Put her in the comfy chair! 297 00:18:43,456 --> 00:18:45,037 Now, 298 00:18:45,041 --> 00:18:48,329 you will stay in the comfy chair until lunchtime, 299 00:18:48,377 --> 00:18:50,584 with only a cup of coffee at 11:00-- 300 00:18:50,630 --> 00:18:52,621 -Is that really all it is? -Oh, yes, lord. 301 00:18:52,673 --> 00:18:56,131 I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we? 302 00:18:59,764 --> 00:19:01,675 Confess, woman. 303 00:19:01,724 --> 00:19:04,340 Confess. Confess! 304 00:19:06,729 --> 00:19:08,390 Oh, I confess! 305 00:19:08,397 --> 00:19:09,557 Not you! 306 00:19:09,565 --> 00:19:10,725 I confess. 307 00:19:10,941 --> 00:19:12,647 Who was that? 308 00:19:12,693 --> 00:19:14,058 I confess. 309 00:19:14,111 --> 00:19:15,191 [BUZZER] 310 00:19:15,237 --> 00:19:16,317 Ooo. 311 00:19:16,364 --> 00:19:19,948 ["GOD SAVE THE QUEEN" PLAYING] 312 00:19:30,086 --> 00:19:32,042 {BUZZER} -Ooo. 313 00:19:35,591 --> 00:19:37,422 I confess. 314 00:19:40,304 --> 00:19:42,169 I confess. 315 00:19:44,225 --> 00:19:46,056 I confess. 316 00:19:46,102 --> 00:19:49,094 Well, madame, I'm glad you've come to see me. 317 00:19:49,105 --> 00:19:51,187 As a doctor, I shall be trying to help you 318 00:19:51,232 --> 00:19:54,269 and do everything I can to assist you in any way I can. 319 00:19:54,318 --> 00:19:57,060 Of course, in the medical profession-- 320 00:19:57,113 --> 00:19:59,320 Very high stakes-- 321 00:20:01,325 --> 00:20:03,566 Would you repeat that? I'm a bit deaf. 322 00:20:03,619 --> 00:20:05,610 Now, the BMA, the British Medical Association-- 323 00:20:05,663 --> 00:20:07,619 Louder, please. I still can't hear. 324 00:20:07,623 --> 00:20:10,080 Now, I do make certain charm... 325 00:20:10,126 --> 00:20:13,118 -Speak up. I can't hear you. I'm deaf, I say. -I confess! 326 00:20:13,170 --> 00:20:16,128 I can't hear a word you're saying. You have to speak louder. Oh! 327 00:20:16,132 --> 00:20:19,249 MAN: Now, for the very first time 328 00:20:19,301 --> 00:20:21,542 on the silver screen, comes the film 329 00:20:21,595 --> 00:20:25,053 from two books that once shocked a generation. 330 00:20:25,099 --> 00:20:27,465 From Emily Bronte's Wuthering Heights 331 00:20:27,518 --> 00:20:31,010 and from the International Guide to Semaphore Code, 332 00:20:31,063 --> 00:20:33,270 Twentieth Century Vole presents: 333 00:20:33,315 --> 00:20:36,478 The Semaphore Version of Wuthering Heights. 334 00:20:36,527 --> 00:20:41,112 [J‘J‘] 335 00:22:15,584 --> 00:22:17,996 From the pulsating pages of history, 336 00:22:18,045 --> 00:22:20,536 from the dark and furious days of Imperial Rome, 337 00:22:20,589 --> 00:22:23,251 we bring you a story that shattered the world. 338 00:22:23,300 --> 00:22:26,087 A tale so gripping that they said it could not be filmed. 339 00:22:26,136 --> 00:22:28,548 A unique event in cinema history. 340 00:22:28,597 --> 00:22:31,589 Julius Caesar on an Aldis Lamp. 341 00:22:59,753 --> 00:23:01,459 From the makers of 342 00:23:01,505 --> 00:23:04,747 Gunfight at O.K. Coral in Morse Code. 343 00:23:20,316 --> 00:23:22,398 Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, 344 00:23:22,443 --> 00:23:25,150 have you reached a verdict? 345 00:23:25,154 --> 00:23:26,485 We have, my lord. 346 00:23:26,530 --> 00:23:28,270 And how do you find the defendant? 347 00:23:30,576 --> 00:23:32,988 Two words. First word. 348 00:23:37,124 --> 00:23:38,455 Rope? String? 349 00:23:40,336 --> 00:23:41,621 Point? 350 00:23:41,670 --> 00:23:44,127 Belt? 351 00:23:44,173 --> 00:23:46,209 Tie? 352 00:23:46,258 --> 00:23:47,418 Cravat? Silk square? 353 00:23:49,178 --> 00:23:50,293 Knot? 354 00:23:50,346 --> 00:23:53,088 -[APPLAUSE] -Knot. Knot. 355 00:23:54,683 --> 00:23:57,425 Second word. Two syllables. 356 00:23:57,478 --> 00:23:58,684 First syllable. 357 00:24:03,108 --> 00:24:05,099 Bird? 358 00:24:05,152 --> 00:24:06,562 Swimmer? 359 00:24:06,612 --> 00:24:08,193 Breaststroke. 360 00:24:08,238 --> 00:24:09,398 Brian Phelps. 361 00:24:09,448 --> 00:24:11,029 No,no,no, he was a diver. 362 00:24:11,075 --> 00:24:13,157 -Esther Williams, then. -No, no, don't be silly. 363 00:24:13,202 --> 00:24:15,488 How can you find someone Not Esther Williams? 364 00:24:15,537 --> 00:24:16,777 Fish. 365 00:24:16,997 --> 00:24:19,579 Fish... wheeze. 366 00:24:19,625 --> 00:24:21,616 -Fish wheeze? -[ACTOR GASPING] 367 00:24:21,669 --> 00:24:23,079 Fish breathe. 368 00:24:23,128 --> 00:24:25,084 Fish breathe throat. 369 00:24:25,130 --> 00:24:28,042 Fish breathe throat? Gill! 370 00:24:28,092 --> 00:24:30,549 -Gi||! -Gi||. 371 00:24:31,595 --> 00:24:33,131 Not giII. 372 00:24:33,180 --> 00:24:35,341 Second syllable. 373 00:24:37,559 --> 00:24:39,550 Not giII. 374 00:24:40,813 --> 00:24:42,098 Drink. 375 00:24:43,232 --> 00:24:45,063 Sip? Imbibe? 376 00:24:45,067 --> 00:24:47,149 MAN 1: Not giII... 377 00:24:47,194 --> 00:24:49,401 Cup! Not gill-cup! 378 00:24:49,405 --> 00:24:52,067 You've been found not gill-cup 379 00:24:52,074 --> 00:24:53,405 of the charges brought against you 380 00:24:53,409 --> 00:24:55,570 and may leave this court a free man. 381 00:24:57,287 --> 00:25:01,246 Right. My turn. 382 00:25:01,291 --> 00:25:03,282 Four words. 383 00:25:05,254 --> 00:25:06,539 Uh, first word "shout"? 384 00:25:06,588 --> 00:25:08,954 -Bellow? -Call? 385 00:25:09,008 --> 00:25:12,000 -Ca|l! -[APPLAUSE] 386 00:25:12,052 --> 00:25:15,465 Second word is very small. 387 00:25:15,514 --> 00:25:16,720 Um. A? 388 00:25:16,765 --> 00:25:18,596 389 00:25:18,642 --> 00:25:20,382 The? The! 390 00:25:20,436 --> 00:25:22,347 Call the. 391 00:25:22,396 --> 00:25:24,728 Third word. 392 00:25:24,773 --> 00:25:26,604 Gill? 393 00:25:26,608 --> 00:25:27,723 Fish? 394 00:25:27,776 --> 00:25:30,438 -Adam's apple. -Neck. 395 00:25:30,487 --> 00:25:31,693 Sounds like neck? 396 00:25:31,739 --> 00:25:33,195 Next. 397 00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:34,400 Call the next! 398 00:25:34,450 --> 00:25:37,192 [APPLAUSE] 399 00:25:37,244 --> 00:25:41,362 Fourth word, three syllables. First syllable. 400 00:25:41,415 --> 00:25:44,782 -Uh, ear? -Hear. Can't hear. 401 00:25:44,793 --> 00:25:47,125 Deaf? 402 00:25:47,129 --> 00:25:48,710 -MAN 2: Deaf! -[APPLAUSE] 403 00:25:48,756 --> 00:25:51,543 Call the next deaf... 404 00:25:51,592 --> 00:25:54,800 -Uh, bottom? -Seat? 405 00:25:54,803 --> 00:25:57,044 Trouser? Cheek? 406 00:25:57,097 --> 00:25:59,554 End! Call the next def-end! 407 00:26:01,143 --> 00:26:02,508 ALL: Ant! 408 00:26:03,979 --> 00:26:05,310 Very good. 409 00:26:05,314 --> 00:26:09,102 Call the next defendant! Call the next defendant. 410 00:26:09,151 --> 00:26:11,984 The Honorable Mr. Justice Kilbraken. 411 00:26:17,159 --> 00:26:19,150 If I may charge you, my lord? 412 00:26:19,203 --> 00:26:20,659 You are charged, my lord, 413 00:26:20,662 --> 00:26:23,028 that on the fourteenth day ofJune,1970, 414 00:26:23,082 --> 00:26:25,664 at the Central Criminal Court, you did commit acts 415 00:26:25,667 --> 00:26:28,079 likely to cause a breach of the peace. 416 00:26:28,128 --> 00:26:30,995 How plead you, my lord, guilty or not guilty? 417 00:26:31,006 --> 00:26:34,169 Not guilty. Case not proven. Court adjourned. 418 00:26:36,178 --> 00:26:38,043 JUDGE: No, no, no, no,no,no,no,no. 419 00:26:38,097 --> 00:26:40,179 No-no. No. 420 00:26:40,182 --> 00:26:42,047 No, you're in the dock, my lord. 421 00:26:42,101 --> 00:26:43,341 I'm a judge, my lord. 422 00:26:43,352 --> 00:26:45,638 So am I, my lord. So watch it. 423 00:26:45,687 --> 00:26:47,302 Ha! Call this a court? 424 00:26:47,356 --> 00:26:48,516 MAN 1: Call this a court. 425 00:26:48,565 --> 00:26:50,305 ALL: Call this a court. 426 00:26:50,359 --> 00:26:53,146 Shut up. Right. Now, get on with the spiel. 427 00:26:53,195 --> 00:26:55,277 My lord, and my other lord, 428 00:26:55,322 --> 00:26:57,278 uh, the prosecution will endeavor to show, my lord, 429 00:26:57,324 --> 00:26:59,110 that my lord-- Uh, not you, my lord. 430 00:26:59,159 --> 00:27:01,400 That my lord, my lord. While passing sentence 431 00:27:01,453 --> 00:27:04,490 at the Central Criminal Court blotted his copybook. 432 00:27:04,540 --> 00:27:06,451 Call exhibit Q. 433 00:27:06,500 --> 00:27:08,616 Q? 434 00:27:08,669 --> 00:27:12,537 Sorry, did I say Q? I meant A. Sorry, call exhibit A. 435 00:27:12,589 --> 00:27:15,046 MAN 1: Call exhibit A. 436 00:27:20,556 --> 00:27:23,514 Exhibit A, my lord, Miss Rita Thang. 437 00:27:24,726 --> 00:27:28,014 An artist's model, Swedish accordion teacher, 438 00:27:28,063 --> 00:27:31,055 and cane-chair saleslady, was found guilty 439 00:27:31,066 --> 00:27:34,558 under the Rude Behavior Act in the accused's court. 440 00:27:34,611 --> 00:27:36,147 The accused, my lord, 441 00:27:36,196 --> 00:27:38,437 sentenced her to be taken from this place 442 00:27:38,490 --> 00:27:41,232 and brought round to his place. 443 00:27:41,243 --> 00:27:43,359 -Objection, my lord. -Objection sustained. 444 00:27:43,412 --> 00:27:45,198 You shut up! Objection overruled. 445 00:27:45,247 --> 00:27:46,783 Now, the accused then commented 446 00:27:46,999 --> 00:27:49,081 on Miss Thang's bodily structure, 447 00:27:49,084 --> 00:27:52,997 made several not-at-all legal remarks on the subject of fun, 448 00:27:53,046 --> 00:27:55,207 and then placed his robes over his head 449 00:27:55,257 --> 00:27:57,669 and began to emit low moans. 450 00:27:57,718 --> 00:28:00,505 Have you anything to say in your defense? 451 00:28:00,554 --> 00:28:02,340 I haven't had any for weeks. 452 00:28:02,389 --> 00:28:04,550 Oh, no? What about that little number you've got 453 00:28:04,600 --> 00:28:06,181 tucked away in Belsize Park? 454 00:28:06,226 --> 00:28:07,261 Oh, I never! 455 00:28:07,269 --> 00:28:08,930 Oh, no. Ho-ho-ho-ho! 456 00:28:08,979 --> 00:28:11,095 All right, then what about 8A Woodford Square? 457 00:28:11,148 --> 00:28:13,639 You say anything about that and I'll do you for treason. 458 00:28:13,692 --> 00:28:15,273 Uh, my lord, if we could continue. 459 00:28:15,277 --> 00:28:16,938 He's got a Chinese bit there. 460 00:28:16,987 --> 00:28:18,352 No, that's contempt of court. 461 00:28:18,405 --> 00:28:20,771 -Oh, it's only a joke. -Contempt of court. 462 00:28:20,949 --> 00:28:23,065 However, I'm not going to punish you 463 00:28:23,118 --> 00:28:25,325 because we're so short ofjudges at the moment. 464 00:28:25,370 --> 00:28:27,782 What with all of them emigrating to South Africa. 465 00:28:27,956 --> 00:28:29,696 I'm going tomorrow, I've got me ticket. 466 00:28:29,750 --> 00:28:32,366 Get out there and get some decent sentencing done. 467 00:28:32,419 --> 00:28:35,001 Ooh! England makes you sick. 468 00:28:35,047 --> 00:28:37,629 Best I can manage here is life imprisonment. 469 00:28:37,633 --> 00:28:39,498 Hardly worth coming in in the morning. 470 00:28:39,551 --> 00:28:41,587 Now, South Africa, 471 00:28:41,637 --> 00:28:43,298 you've got your cat-o'-nine-tails, 472 00:28:43,305 --> 00:28:45,136 you've got four death sentences a week. 473 00:28:45,140 --> 00:28:46,471 You've got cheap drinks, 474 00:28:46,516 --> 00:28:48,097 slave labor and a booming stock market. 475 00:28:48,143 --> 00:28:49,474 I'm off, I tell you. 476 00:28:49,519 --> 00:28:52,477 Yes. I'm up to here with probation 477 00:28:52,522 --> 00:28:55,309 and bleeding psychiatric reports. 478 00:28:55,317 --> 00:28:57,603 That's it, I'm off. That's it. 479 00:28:57,653 --> 00:29:00,645 Right. But I'm going to have one final fling before I leave. 480 00:29:00,697 --> 00:29:04,485 So I sentence you to be burnt at the stake. 481 00:29:04,534 --> 00:29:07,947 Blimey. I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition. 482 00:29:12,000 --> 00:29:15,663 [J‘J‘] 483 00:29:29,226 --> 00:29:31,763 Two-- Three for the Old Bailey, please. 484 00:29:34,189 --> 00:29:36,396 -Look, they've started the credits. -Hurry, hurry, hurry! 485 00:29:36,441 --> 00:29:37,476 Hurry, hurry! 486 00:29:49,204 --> 00:29:51,536 There's the lighting credit. Only five left. 487 00:29:56,712 --> 00:29:59,203 Hell, it's the producer. Quick! 488 00:30:21,570 --> 00:30:24,562 Nobody expects the Span-- Oh, bugger.