1 00:00:33,367 --> 00:00:35,779 [J‘J‘] 2 00:00:38,830 --> 00:00:42,118 [HUMMING] 3 00:00:56,598 --> 00:00:58,384 [DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES] 4 00:01:05,816 --> 00:01:08,182 [SNORING] 5 00:01:08,235 --> 00:01:10,226 [CLOCK TICKING] 6 00:01:18,287 --> 00:01:19,527 [ALARM RINGS] 7 00:01:19,580 --> 00:01:22,242 [J‘J‘] 8 00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:37,170 And now for something completely different. 9 00:01:37,222 --> 00:01:38,337 It's... 10 00:01:39,725 --> 00:01:42,683 [J‘J‘] 11 00:01:42,686 --> 00:01:47,521 AN NOUNCER: Monty Python ’3 Flying Circus. 12 00:02:09,713 --> 00:02:10,748 [SPLAT] 13 00:02:15,344 --> 00:02:21,089 [IN UNISON] Hello and welcome to the show. 14 00:02:21,141 --> 00:02:24,633 Without more ado, 15 00:02:24,686 --> 00:02:27,519 the first item 16 00:02:27,564 --> 00:02:32,684 is a sketch about architects 17 00:02:32,736 --> 00:02:38,447 called "The Architect Sketch." 18 00:02:41,328 --> 00:02:45,162 "The Architect Sketch." 19 00:02:46,583 --> 00:02:50,451 "The Architect Sketch." 20 00:02:51,463 --> 00:02:55,297 "The Architect Sketch." 21 00:03:02,766 --> 00:03:04,757 [ALL CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY] 22 00:03:06,311 --> 00:03:08,768 Gentlemen, we have two basic suggestions 23 00:03:08,980 --> 00:03:10,561 for the design of this-- 24 00:03:10,607 --> 00:03:12,768 [THE GUMBIES CHATTERING OUTSIDE] 25 00:03:12,776 --> 00:03:13,982 Gentlemen, 26 00:03:14,027 --> 00:03:15,767 we have two basic suggestions 27 00:03:15,987 --> 00:03:17,272 for the design of this-- 28 00:03:17,322 --> 00:03:19,438 [THE GUMBIES CONTINUE CHATTERING] 29 00:03:19,491 --> 00:03:22,233 [YELLING] Shut up! 30 00:03:22,285 --> 00:03:24,241 Gentlemen, we have two basic suggestions-- 31 00:03:24,287 --> 00:03:27,779 GUMBIES: Sorry. Sorry. 32 00:03:27,791 --> 00:03:31,454 Sorry. Sorry. 33 00:03:39,136 --> 00:03:41,343 Gentlemen, we have two basic suggestions 34 00:03:41,388 --> 00:03:43,800 for the design of this architectural block, 35 00:03:43,807 --> 00:03:45,513 the residential block. 36 00:03:45,559 --> 00:03:48,096 And I thought it best that the architects themselves 37 00:03:48,145 --> 00:03:51,478 came in to explain the advantages of both designs. 38 00:03:51,523 --> 00:03:53,013 [KNOCKING ON DOOR] 39 00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:55,432 That must be the first architect now. 40 00:03:55,485 --> 00:03:59,649 Oh, yes, it's Mr. Wiggin of Ironside and Malone. 41 00:03:59,698 --> 00:04:01,438 Good morning, gentlemen. Uh, 42 00:04:01,491 --> 00:04:03,356 this is a 12-story block, 43 00:04:03,410 --> 00:04:05,321 combining classical neo-Georgian features 44 00:04:05,328 --> 00:04:07,364 with all the advantages of modern design. 45 00:04:07,414 --> 00:04:09,780 Uh, the tenants arrive in the entrance hall here, 46 00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:11,331 are carried along the corridor 47 00:04:11,376 --> 00:04:12,741 on a conveyor belt in extreme comfort 48 00:04:13,628 --> 00:04:15,493 and past murals depicting Mediterranean scenes 49 00:04:15,547 --> 00:04:17,503 towards the rotating knives. 50 00:04:17,507 --> 00:04:19,668 The last 20 feet of the corridor 51 00:04:19,676 --> 00:04:21,086 are heavily soundproof. 52 00:04:21,136 --> 00:04:23,548 The blood pours down these chutes 53 00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:26,088 and the mangled flesh slurps into these large-- 54 00:04:26,141 --> 00:04:27,506 -Excuse me. -Hmm? 55 00:04:27,559 --> 00:04:29,345 Uh, did you say "knives"? 56 00:04:29,394 --> 00:04:31,760 Rotating knives, yes. 57 00:04:31,813 --> 00:04:34,680 Are you, uh, proposing to slaughter our tenants? 58 00:04:34,733 --> 00:04:37,520 Does that not fit in with your plans? 59 00:04:37,569 --> 00:04:39,150 No, no. 60 00:04:39,196 --> 00:04:41,812 We-- We wanted a simple block of flats. 61 00:04:42,032 --> 00:04:44,648 Ah, I see. I hadn't, uh, correctly divined your attitude 62 00:04:44,701 --> 00:04:46,737 towards your tenants. 63 00:04:46,787 --> 00:04:50,200 You see, I mainly design slaughterhouses. Yes, pity. 64 00:04:50,207 --> 00:04:51,538 Mind you, this is a real beaut. 65 00:04:51,541 --> 00:04:53,202 I mean, no blood caked on the walls 66 00:04:53,251 --> 00:04:54,787 and flesh flying out of the windows, 67 00:04:54,836 --> 00:04:56,576 inconveniencing passersby with this one. 68 00:04:56,630 --> 00:04:58,541 I mean, my life has been building up to this. 69 00:04:58,590 --> 00:04:59,750 Yes, and well done, heh. 70 00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:02,166 But we did want a block of flats. 71 00:05:02,219 --> 00:05:05,382 May | ask you to reconsider? You won't regret it. Think of the tourist trade. 72 00:05:05,388 --> 00:05:08,346 No, no, it's-- it's just that we wanted a block of flats 73 00:05:08,391 --> 00:05:10,131 and not an abattoir. 74 00:05:10,185 --> 00:05:13,427 Yes, well, of course that's just the sort of blinkered, 75 00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:15,141 philistine pig-ignorance 76 00:05:15,190 --> 00:05:17,226 I've come to expect from you non-creative garbage. 77 00:05:17,234 --> 00:05:18,690 You sit there on your loathsome, 78 00:05:18,735 --> 00:05:20,771 spotty behinds, squeezing blackheads, 79 00:05:20,987 --> 00:05:24,320 not caring a tinker's cuss about the struggling artist. 80 00:05:24,366 --> 00:05:25,651 You excrement! 81 00:05:25,700 --> 00:05:29,192 You lousy, hypocritical, whining toadies! 82 00:05:29,579 --> 00:05:31,410 With your lousy color-TV sets, 83 00:05:31,414 --> 00:05:33,279 and your Tony Jacklin golf clubs, 84 00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:36,075 and your bleeding Masonic handshakes! 85 00:05:36,127 --> 00:05:37,583 You wouldn't let me join, would you, 86 00:05:37,629 --> 00:05:39,585 you blackballing bastards? 87 00:05:39,631 --> 00:05:41,747 Well, Iwouldn't become a Freemason now, 88 00:05:41,758 --> 00:05:43,749 if you went down on your lousy, 89 00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:45,751 stinking, purulent knees 90 00:05:45,762 --> 00:05:47,718 and begged me! 91 00:05:47,764 --> 00:05:50,176 Well, we're sorry you feel like that, 92 00:05:50,225 --> 00:05:52,341 but we, uh, did want a block of flats. 93 00:05:52,394 --> 00:05:55,261 Nice though the abattoir is, heh-heh. 94 00:05:55,313 --> 00:05:57,099 Oh, pfft! the abattoir. That's not important. 95 00:05:57,148 --> 00:05:58,604 But if one of you could put in a word for me, 96 00:05:58,650 --> 00:06:00,060 I'd love to be a Freemason. 97 00:06:00,110 --> 00:06:02,396 Freemasonry opens doors. I mean, |was-- 98 00:06:02,445 --> 00:06:04,731 l was a bit on edge just now, but-- but if I was a Mason, 99 00:06:04,781 --> 00:06:07,113 I'd just sit at the back and not get in anyone's way. 100 00:06:07,117 --> 00:06:08,448 Thank you. 101 00:06:08,451 --> 00:06:09,736 I've got a secondhand apron. 102 00:06:16,167 --> 00:06:18,533 -I nearly got in at Hendon. -Thank you. 103 00:06:18,587 --> 00:06:21,329 I'm sorry about that, gentlemen. The second architect is 104 00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:24,168 Mr. Leavey of Wymis and Dibble. 105 00:06:24,217 --> 00:06:26,128 Good morning, gentlemen. Uh, 106 00:06:26,177 --> 00:06:28,293 This is a scale model of the block. 107 00:06:28,305 --> 00:06:31,763 Uh, there are 28 stories with 280 modern apartments. 108 00:06:31,808 --> 00:06:34,641 There are three main lifts and two service lifts. 109 00:06:34,686 --> 00:06:37,393 Access would be from Dibbingley Road. 110 00:06:39,316 --> 00:06:42,479 Uh, the structure is built on a central-pillar system 111 00:06:42,485 --> 00:06:44,066 uh, with cantilevered floors 112 00:06:44,112 --> 00:06:46,148 in pre-stressed steel and concrete. 113 00:06:46,156 --> 00:06:48,772 Uh, the dividing walls on each floor section 114 00:06:48,825 --> 00:06:51,737 are fixed with recessed magnalium flanged groo-- 115 00:06:53,663 --> 00:06:56,370 By avoiding wood and timber derivatives 116 00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:59,328 and all other inflammables, uh, 117 00:06:59,336 --> 00:07:02,169 we have almost totally removed the risk of... 118 00:07:06,051 --> 00:07:08,417 Quite frankly, I think the central-pillar system 119 00:07:08,470 --> 00:07:10,256 may need strengthening a bit. 120 00:07:10,305 --> 00:07:12,762 -lsn't that going to put the cost up? -Uh, it might. 121 00:07:12,974 --> 00:07:14,635 Well, I don't know whether I'd worry about 122 00:07:14,684 --> 00:07:16,299 strengthening that much. 123 00:07:16,353 --> 00:07:18,309 After all, they're not meant to be luxury flats. 124 00:07:18,355 --> 00:07:20,186 No, I quite agree. I mean, provided the tenants 125 00:07:20,231 --> 00:07:22,643 are of light build and relatively sedentary, 126 00:07:22,692 --> 00:07:25,525 and, uh, given a spot of good weather, 127 00:07:25,528 --> 00:07:27,109 -I think we're onto a winner here. -Yes. 128 00:07:27,155 --> 00:07:29,988 Oh, thank you. 129 00:07:30,033 --> 00:07:31,989 Quite agree. Quite agree. 130 00:07:32,035 --> 00:07:33,991 Thank you very much. 131 00:07:34,037 --> 00:07:36,323 -Thank you. -It opens doors, I'm telling you. 132 00:07:36,373 --> 00:07:38,204 MAN: Let's have a look at that handshake again 133 00:07:38,208 --> 00:07:39,698 in slow motion. 134 00:07:41,461 --> 00:07:44,794 What other ways are there of recognizing a Mason? 135 00:08:00,438 --> 00:08:02,053 How are you? 136 00:08:14,577 --> 00:08:16,989 Having once identified a Mason, 137 00:08:17,038 --> 00:08:18,653 immediate steps must be taken 138 00:08:18,707 --> 00:08:21,540 to isolate him from the general public. 139 00:08:21,584 --> 00:08:24,326 Having accomplished that, it is now possible to cure him 140 00:08:24,379 --> 00:08:26,745 of these unfortunate Masonic tendencies 141 00:08:26,965 --> 00:08:30,378 through the use of behavioral psychotherapy. 142 00:08:30,427 --> 00:08:32,383 In this treatment, 143 00:08:32,429 --> 00:08:34,169 the patient is rewarded for the correct response 144 00:08:34,222 --> 00:08:36,588 and punished for the wrong one. 145 00:08:36,641 --> 00:08:37,596 Let us begin. 146 00:08:37,642 --> 00:08:39,303 [BUZZES] 147 00:08:39,352 --> 00:08:42,014 Would you like to give up being a Mason? 148 00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:46,273 Think carefully. 149 00:08:51,072 --> 00:08:53,108 -No. -MAN [YELLING]: No? 150 00:08:53,116 --> 00:08:56,984 That's wrong! Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong! 151 00:08:57,037 --> 00:09:00,029 No, no! Bad, bad dog! Bad! 152 00:09:00,081 --> 00:09:02,743 ANNOUNCER: The BBC would like to apologize 153 00:09:02,959 --> 00:09:05,200 for the following announcement. 154 00:09:05,253 --> 00:09:08,416 [THE GUMBIES MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY] 155 00:09:08,465 --> 00:09:11,172 [FOOTSTEPS] 156 00:09:18,475 --> 00:09:20,511 [IN UNISON] Ooh. 157 00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:23,597 And the next item 158 00:09:23,646 --> 00:09:28,982 is a sketch about insurance 159 00:09:29,027 --> 00:09:33,987 called "Insurance Sketch." 160 00:09:34,032 --> 00:09:37,115 "Insurance Sketch." 161 00:09:38,078 --> 00:09:41,195 "Insurance Sketch." 162 00:09:41,247 --> 00:09:42,657 What do you want? 163 00:09:42,707 --> 00:09:44,789 Well, I've come-- I've come about your special, 164 00:09:45,001 --> 00:09:48,038 fully comprehensive, motor insurance policy offer. 165 00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:49,624 What was that? 166 00:09:49,672 --> 00:09:51,333 Fully comprehensive motor insurance 167 00:09:51,382 --> 00:09:52,667 for one and eight pence. 168 00:09:52,675 --> 00:09:55,417 Oh, oh, yeah. Yeah. 169 00:09:55,470 --> 00:09:58,507 Well, unfortunately, uh, guv, that offer's no longer valid. 170 00:09:59,057 --> 00:10:01,673 You see, uh, it turned out not to be economically viable. 171 00:10:01,684 --> 00:10:04,517 Uh, so we now have a totally new offer. 172 00:10:04,521 --> 00:10:06,386 -What's that? -A nude lady. 173 00:10:06,439 --> 00:10:08,100 -Nude lady? -Yes. 174 00:10:08,149 --> 00:10:10,231 You get a nude lady with comprehensive motor insurance. 175 00:10:10,276 --> 00:10:11,732 If you just want third party, 176 00:10:11,778 --> 00:10:13,609 she has to keep her bra on, and if it's just theft-- 177 00:10:13,655 --> 00:10:15,191 No, no, I-I don't really want that. 178 00:10:15,365 --> 00:10:16,775 Um. Mr.-- Mr., um? 179 00:10:16,825 --> 00:10:18,531 -Devious. -Mr. Devious. 180 00:10:18,535 --> 00:10:20,366 | just want to know what it would cost me 181 00:10:20,411 --> 00:10:22,072 to have comprehensive insurance 182 00:10:22,122 --> 00:10:23,828 on a 1970 Aston Martin. 183 00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:26,156 -Aston Martin? -Yeah. 184 00:10:26,209 --> 00:10:28,074 -Uh, five hundred quid. -Five hundred quid? 185 00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:29,538 -Forty quid. -Forty quid? 186 00:10:29,546 --> 00:10:31,161 Forty quid and a nude lady. 187 00:10:31,214 --> 00:10:32,579 I'm not interested in a nude lady. 188 00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:33,792 -Dirty books. -No, no, no. 189 00:10:33,842 --> 00:10:35,548 I'm not interested in that. 190 00:10:35,593 --> 00:10:37,254 | just want to know what it would cost me 191 00:10:37,303 --> 00:10:38,668 to have a fully comprehensive insurance 192 00:10:38,721 --> 00:10:40,177 on a 1970 Aston Martin. 193 00:10:40,223 --> 00:10:42,054 Can you please quote me your price? 194 00:10:42,058 --> 00:10:44,049 -Knock, knock. -Who's there? 195 00:10:44,060 --> 00:10:45,721 -The reverend. -The reverend who? 196 00:10:45,770 --> 00:10:49,058 -The Reverend Morrison. -DEV|OUS: Oh, come in. 197 00:10:51,109 --> 00:10:52,724 Now then, vic, what's the trouble? 198 00:10:52,777 --> 00:10:55,063 Well, it's about this letter you sent me. 199 00:10:55,113 --> 00:10:58,071 Um, excuse me, do l have any more lines? 200 00:10:58,074 --> 00:10:59,405 I don't know, mush. 201 00:10:59,409 --> 00:11:02,025 I'll have a look in your script. 202 00:11:02,078 --> 00:11:04,490 Where are we? Show eight. 203 00:11:04,539 --> 00:11:05,654 Are you "Man"? 204 00:11:05,707 --> 00:11:08,164 -Yeah. Man. -Man. 205 00:11:08,209 --> 00:11:10,416 No. No, you're finished. 206 00:11:10,461 --> 00:11:12,076 -Well, I'll be off, then. -Right. 207 00:11:12,088 --> 00:11:14,124 [CLEARS THROAT] 208 00:11:15,592 --> 00:11:17,207 "The vicar sits." 209 00:11:17,260 --> 00:11:19,046 It's about this letter you sent me 210 00:11:19,095 --> 00:11:21,006 regarding my insurance claim. 211 00:11:21,055 --> 00:11:22,761 Oh, yeah. Yeah, well, you see, 212 00:11:22,765 --> 00:11:24,676 it's just that we're not as yet, 213 00:11:24,726 --> 00:11:27,593 uh, totally satisfied with the grounds of your claim. 214 00:11:27,604 --> 00:11:31,017 But it says something about filling my mouth in with cement. 215 00:11:31,065 --> 00:11:34,023 Oh, well, that's just Insurance jargon, you know. 216 00:11:34,068 --> 00:11:36,775 But my car was hit by a lorry while standing in the garage, 217 00:11:36,779 --> 00:11:38,440 and you refused to pay my claim. 218 00:11:38,489 --> 00:11:42,107 Well, Reverend Morrison, in your policy... 219 00:11:43,786 --> 00:11:45,742 In your policy... 220 00:11:48,333 --> 00:11:50,073 Here we are. 221 00:11:51,669 --> 00:11:53,785 It states, sir, quite clearly, 222 00:11:53,838 --> 00:11:56,454 that no claim you make will be paid. 223 00:11:56,466 --> 00:11:59,253 -Oh, dear. -You see, uh, 224 00:11:59,302 --> 00:12:01,293 you unfortunately plumped for our never-pay policy 225 00:12:01,304 --> 00:12:02,635 which, uh, you know, 226 00:12:02,680 --> 00:12:04,466 if you never claim, is very worthwhile. 227 00:12:04,474 --> 00:12:07,386 But, uh, you had to claim, and, well, there it is. 228 00:12:07,435 --> 00:12:09,300 -Oh, dear, oh, dear. -Still, 229 00:12:09,312 --> 00:12:11,473 never mind, could be worse. How's the nude lady? 230 00:12:11,481 --> 00:12:13,767 Oh, she's fine. 231 00:12:13,816 --> 00:12:16,307 [SOBBING] 232 00:12:16,319 --> 00:12:19,231 Look, rev, I hate to see a man cry. 233 00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:22,147 So shove off, out the office. There's a good chap. 234 00:12:28,456 --> 00:12:30,822 Okay, Devious. Don't move. 235 00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:32,285 The Bishop! 236 00:12:32,335 --> 00:12:35,168 [J‘J‘] 237 00:13:09,038 --> 00:13:10,994 [CHOIR SINGING] 238 00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:13,076 [ENGINE RUMBLING] 239 00:13:13,126 --> 00:13:15,162 [TIRES SCREECHING] 240 00:13:23,428 --> 00:13:26,386 I take as my text for today-- 241 00:13:26,431 --> 00:13:29,389 The text, vic! Don't say the text! 242 00:13:29,392 --> 00:13:31,428 Leviticus 3:14. 243 00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:32,637 [EXPLOSION] 244 00:13:32,687 --> 00:13:35,019 [SCREAMING] 245 00:13:35,064 --> 00:13:36,554 We was too late. 246 00:13:36,566 --> 00:13:39,353 The Reverend Grundy bit the ceiling. 247 00:13:39,402 --> 00:13:41,063 [BUZZING] 248 00:13:41,112 --> 00:13:44,479 Hello. What? We'll be right over. 249 00:13:44,532 --> 00:13:46,523 [BELL TOLLING] 250 00:13:46,576 --> 00:13:49,238 [ORGAN PLAYING] 251 00:13:53,333 --> 00:13:55,324 [INDISTINCT CHATTER] 252 00:13:58,254 --> 00:13:59,585 And it is for this reason, 253 00:13:59,630 --> 00:14:01,336 that the Christian Church lays upon you 254 00:14:01,382 --> 00:14:03,964 -[CLOCK TICKING] -the godparents and the parents 255 00:14:04,010 --> 00:14:06,547 the obligation of seeing this child 256 00:14:06,596 --> 00:14:09,133 is brought up in the Christian faith. 257 00:14:09,182 --> 00:14:11,264 Therefore, I name this child-- 258 00:14:11,309 --> 00:14:13,265 Don't say the kid's name, vic! 259 00:14:13,311 --> 00:14:15,597 Francesco Luigi-- 260 00:14:15,646 --> 00:14:18,058 [EXPLOSION] 261 00:14:19,525 --> 00:14:20,981 We was too late. 262 00:14:21,027 --> 00:14:23,268 The Reverend Neuk saw the light. 263 00:14:24,781 --> 00:14:26,521 [J‘J‘] 264 00:14:26,574 --> 00:14:30,066 The ring, vic! Don't touch the ring! 265 00:14:32,288 --> 00:14:35,405 [BELL TOLLING] 266 00:14:39,420 --> 00:14:41,786 [CHOKING] 267 00:14:42,006 --> 00:14:44,167 Hey, vic! 268 00:14:47,303 --> 00:14:49,043 [SNAPS FINGERS] 269 00:14:49,097 --> 00:14:51,133 Dearly, dear, dearly departed. 270 00:14:51,140 --> 00:14:53,597 Dust to dust, ashes-- 271 00:14:53,643 --> 00:14:56,009 [CREAKING] 272 00:14:58,773 --> 00:15:01,059 [EXPLOSION] 273 00:15:01,109 --> 00:15:03,065 [TIRES SCREECHING] 274 00:15:03,111 --> 00:15:04,726 [ENGINE RUMBLING] 275 00:15:04,779 --> 00:15:07,361 [J‘J‘] 276 00:15:21,337 --> 00:15:24,249 MAN: Help! Help! 277 00:15:24,298 --> 00:15:27,165 Help! Help! 278 00:15:27,176 --> 00:15:30,168 Help! Ah! Help! 279 00:15:53,494 --> 00:15:55,450 Come on. 280 00:15:55,496 --> 00:15:58,203 [ALL GRUNTING] 281 00:16:00,251 --> 00:16:02,537 Okay, Devious, don't move. 282 00:16:02,545 --> 00:16:04,285 The Bishop! 283 00:16:04,338 --> 00:16:07,045 [J‘J‘] 284 00:16:19,729 --> 00:16:21,970 This is where we came in. 285 00:16:22,023 --> 00:16:23,513 Yeah. 286 00:16:32,617 --> 00:16:35,029 Oh, it's nice to be home. 287 00:16:36,746 --> 00:16:39,579 -B-Builders haven't been, then? -No. 288 00:16:39,624 --> 00:16:43,537 These two old people are typical of the housing problem 289 00:16:43,586 --> 00:16:45,326 facing Britain's aged. 290 00:16:45,379 --> 00:16:48,496 Here. Don't you start doing a documentary on us, young man. 291 00:16:48,549 --> 00:16:51,040 -Oh, please? -No. Leave us alone. 292 00:16:51,093 --> 00:16:53,800 Just a little one about the appalling conditions under which you live? 293 00:16:54,013 --> 00:16:57,005 No. Get out of our house. Goon 294 00:16:58,601 --> 00:17:02,719 Oh, all right. Come on, George, pick it up. 295 00:17:02,772 --> 00:17:05,104 Why don't you do a documentary about the drug problem 296 00:17:05,107 --> 00:17:06,722 round in Walton Street? 297 00:17:11,447 --> 00:17:14,689 Oh, I'll go and have a bath. 298 00:17:16,619 --> 00:17:21,238 J‘ The splendor falls On castle walls I 299 00:17:21,290 --> 00:17:23,702 J‘ And snowy summits Old in story J‘ 300 00:17:23,751 --> 00:17:26,788 Here. There's Alfred, Lord Tennyson in the bathroom. 301 00:17:26,963 --> 00:17:30,126 Well, at least the poet's been installed, then. 302 00:17:30,174 --> 00:17:33,132 Yes, a poet is essential for complete home comfort 303 00:17:33,135 --> 00:17:35,751 and all-year-round reliability and low cost. 304 00:17:35,805 --> 00:17:38,046 We in the East Midlands Poet Board 305 00:17:38,099 --> 00:17:40,636 hope to have a poet in every home by the end of next year. 306 00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:42,800 J‘ Poets are both Clean and warm J‘ 307 00:17:42,979 --> 00:17:44,810 J‘ And most are far Above the norm J‘ 308 00:17:44,981 --> 00:17:46,812 J‘ Whether here or on the roam J‘ 309 00:17:46,983 --> 00:17:49,269 J‘ Have a poet in every home J‘ 310 00:17:49,318 --> 00:17:52,401 MAN: I wandered lonely as a cloud 311 00:17:52,446 --> 00:17:54,402 -[DOORBELL RINGS] -That floats on high... 312 00:17:54,448 --> 00:17:57,315 Good morning, madam. I've come to read your poet. 313 00:17:57,326 --> 00:18:00,568 Oh, yes. It's in the cupboard under the stairs. 314 00:18:00,621 --> 00:18:02,236 [COUGHS] 315 00:18:02,290 --> 00:18:04,155 What is it, a Swinburne? Shelley? 316 00:18:04,166 --> 00:18:06,532 -No, it's a Wordsworth. -Oh, bloody "Daffodils." 317 00:18:06,586 --> 00:18:08,292 WORDSWORTH: Beneath the trees 318 00:18:08,337 --> 00:18:12,000 Fluttering and dancing In the breeze. 319 00:18:12,008 --> 00:18:15,216 Continuous as the stars That shine 320 00:18:15,261 --> 00:18:16,671 And twinkle on the Milky Way. 321 00:18:16,721 --> 00:18:18,677 They stretched... 322 00:18:18,681 --> 00:18:21,548 -Right. Thank you, madam. -Oh, not at all. Thank you. 323 00:18:25,688 --> 00:18:28,100 It's a nice day, isn't it? 324 00:18:28,149 --> 00:18:30,060 Yes, yes. The weather situation 325 00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:35,023 Uh, there's a ridge of high pressure centered over Ireland, 326 00:18:35,031 --> 00:18:37,192 which is moving eastwards, bringing cloudy weather 327 00:18:37,199 --> 00:18:39,235 to parts of the West Country, Wales, 328 00:18:39,285 --> 00:18:42,118 and areas west of the Pennines. 329 00:18:42,163 --> 00:18:46,532 On tomorrow's chart, the situation's much the same. 330 00:18:46,542 --> 00:18:49,375 With this occluded front bringing drier, warmer weather. 331 00:18:49,378 --> 00:18:51,334 Temperature's above average for the time of year. 332 00:18:51,380 --> 00:18:53,712 That's 3 degrees centigrade, 44 degrees Fahrenheit. 333 00:18:53,716 --> 00:18:56,503 So don't forget to wrap up well. 334 00:18:56,552 --> 00:18:59,043 That's all from me. Good night. 335 00:18:59,055 --> 00:19:02,593 Now on BBC television, a choice of viewing. 336 00:19:02,642 --> 00:19:05,384 On BBC 2, a discussion on censorship 337 00:19:05,436 --> 00:19:09,224 between Derek Hart, the Bishop of Woolwich, and a nude man. 338 00:19:09,231 --> 00:19:13,065 And on BBC 1, me telling you this. And now-- 339 00:19:13,069 --> 00:19:15,025 We don't want that, do we? 340 00:19:15,071 --> 00:19:16,686 Do you really want that cherry in your tea? 341 00:19:16,739 --> 00:19:18,400 Do you like doing this job? 342 00:19:18,407 --> 00:19:21,023 Uh, well, it's, uh, it's a living, isn't it? 343 00:19:21,077 --> 00:19:23,739 I mean, don't you get bored reading people's poets all day? 344 00:19:24,246 --> 00:19:26,202 Well, you know, 345 00:19:26,248 --> 00:19:28,409 sometimes, yeah. 346 00:19:28,417 --> 00:19:31,079 Anyway, |-| think I better be going. 347 00:19:31,087 --> 00:19:33,624 You've got a nice torch, haven't you? 348 00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:36,756 Uh,yeah,yeah, it, uh, it, uh, 349 00:19:36,967 --> 00:19:40,551 goes, uh, on and off. 350 00:19:40,596 --> 00:19:42,336 How many volts is it? 351 00:19:42,390 --> 00:19:45,052 Oh, uh, well, I'll have a look at the batteries. 352 00:19:45,101 --> 00:19:46,637 Oh, yes, yes. 353 00:19:46,686 --> 00:19:50,474 It's, uh, four and a half volts. 354 00:19:50,523 --> 00:19:54,436 Mm, that's wonderful. Do you want another look at the poet? 355 00:19:54,443 --> 00:19:55,649 No, I must be off, really. 356 00:19:55,695 --> 00:19:57,606 I've got Thomas Hardy in the bedroom. 357 00:19:57,613 --> 00:19:59,069 I'd like you to look at him. 358 00:19:59,115 --> 00:20:00,400 I can't touch him. He's a novelist. 359 00:20:00,449 --> 00:20:02,064 He keeps mumbling all night. 360 00:20:02,118 --> 00:20:03,403 Well, novelists do, you see. 361 00:20:03,452 --> 00:20:06,785 Oh, forget him. What's your name, deary? 362 00:20:06,789 --> 00:20:08,245 Harness. 363 00:20:08,290 --> 00:20:10,997 No, no, your first name, silly. 364 00:20:11,043 --> 00:20:12,579 -Wombat. -Oh, Wombat. 365 00:20:13,337 --> 00:20:15,077 Wombat Harness. 366 00:20:15,131 --> 00:20:18,464 Take me to the place where eternity knows no bounds, 367 00:20:18,467 --> 00:20:21,459 where the garden of love encloses us round. 368 00:20:21,512 --> 00:20:23,423 -Oh, Harness. -All right. 369 00:20:23,472 --> 00:20:25,804 I'll have a quick look at your Thomas Hardy. 370 00:20:25,808 --> 00:20:28,424 Nude man, what did you make of that? 371 00:20:28,477 --> 00:20:31,765 Well, don't you see? That was exactly the kind of explicit 372 00:20:31,814 --> 00:20:34,055 sexual reference I'm objecting to. 373 00:20:34,108 --> 00:20:35,814 lt-lt's titillation for the sake of it, 374 00:20:35,818 --> 00:20:38,059 a deliberate attempt at cheap sensationalism. 375 00:20:38,112 --> 00:20:40,023 I don't care what the so-called 376 00:20:40,072 --> 00:20:41,653 avant-garde, left-wing, 377 00:20:41,699 --> 00:20:44,816 intellectual namby-pambies say, it is filth! 378 00:20:44,827 --> 00:20:46,442 Bishop. 379 00:20:46,495 --> 00:20:49,237 Okay, don't anybody move. 380 00:20:49,290 --> 00:20:51,656 [J‘J‘] 381 00:20:54,670 --> 00:20:57,377 The BBC would like to apologize 382 00:20:57,423 --> 00:21:01,086 for the constant repetition in this show. 383 00:21:07,057 --> 00:21:09,423 -Hey, oops. -Whoa. 384 00:21:09,477 --> 00:21:11,718 Whoops-a-daisy. 385 00:21:11,771 --> 00:21:15,355 BOTH: Whoa. 386 00:21:16,609 --> 00:21:18,315 I say. 387 00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:21,648 [CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY] 388 00:21:25,618 --> 00:21:27,574 [WHIMPERING] 389 00:21:27,620 --> 00:21:30,362 [BANGING] 390 00:21:30,414 --> 00:21:32,279 Shut up, all of you up there. 391 00:21:32,333 --> 00:21:35,245 Why can't a guy get some sleep around here? 392 00:21:35,294 --> 00:21:37,535 Little peace and quiet's all I want. 393 00:21:37,588 --> 00:21:40,125 Stop the noise now, or I'm coming up. 394 00:21:41,383 --> 00:21:44,466 [CLUCKING] 395 00:21:49,767 --> 00:21:50,722 é 396 00:21:50,768 --> 00:21:52,224 hope 397 00:21:52,269 --> 00:21:53,509 you're 398 00:21:53,562 --> 00:21:54,642 en- 399 00:21:54,688 --> 00:21:55,723 Joy- 400 00:21:55,773 --> 00:21:57,138 ing 401 00:21:57,191 --> 00:21:58,556 this. 402 00:21:58,609 --> 00:22:01,225 -[SIREN WAILING] -ANNOUNCER: Attention. 403 00:22:01,278 --> 00:22:04,736 There's been a nasty five-frog curse near the M4. 404 00:22:04,782 --> 00:22:07,990 Proceed immediately to the area. 405 00:22:10,079 --> 00:22:11,694 -Oh, dear. -Looks bad. 406 00:22:11,747 --> 00:22:14,079 -Mm, very bad. -Quite agreed. 407 00:22:14,124 --> 00:22:15,409 MAN 1: Only one thing to do with 408 00:22:15,459 --> 00:22:17,290 a multiple-frog curse like this. 409 00:22:17,336 --> 00:22:19,418 MAN 2: Right-o. Get the magic wand. 410 00:22:19,463 --> 00:22:21,078 Clear the area. 411 00:22:21,131 --> 00:22:22,587 Fire! 412 00:22:28,097 --> 00:22:30,463 [IN UNISON] Thank you. 413 00:22:30,516 --> 00:22:32,427 And now 414 00:22:32,476 --> 00:22:34,387 a sketch 415 00:22:34,436 --> 00:22:37,724 about a chemist 416 00:22:37,773 --> 00:22:39,559 called 417 00:22:39,608 --> 00:22:43,192 "The Chemist Sketch." 418 00:22:45,447 --> 00:22:48,189 Right, I've got some of your prescriptions here. 419 00:22:48,242 --> 00:22:51,075 Uh, who's got the pox? 420 00:22:54,123 --> 00:22:56,330 Come on, who's got the pox? 421 00:22:56,375 --> 00:22:59,367 Come on. Catch. 422 00:23:01,297 --> 00:23:04,164 Who's got a boil on the bum? 423 00:23:04,216 --> 00:23:05,956 Boil on the botty. 424 00:23:06,010 --> 00:23:07,716 Who's got the chest rash? 425 00:23:09,638 --> 00:23:11,299 Have to get a bigger bottle. 426 00:23:11,348 --> 00:23:14,715 Who's got, uh-- Who's got wind? 427 00:23:14,768 --> 00:23:16,679 Catch. 428 00:23:16,729 --> 00:23:19,266 The BBC would like to apologize 429 00:23:19,315 --> 00:23:22,307 for the poor quality of the writing in that sketch. 430 00:23:22,359 --> 00:23:24,816 It is not BBC policy to get easy laughs 431 00:23:24,987 --> 00:23:28,696 with words like bum, knickers, botty or wee-wees. 432 00:23:28,741 --> 00:23:30,197 Shh. 433 00:23:30,242 --> 00:23:32,153 These are the words which are not 434 00:23:32,161 --> 00:23:34,994 to be used again on this program. 435 00:23:47,843 --> 00:23:49,799 -Semprini? -Out! 436 00:23:49,845 --> 00:23:53,758 Right, who's got a boil on his semprini, then? 437 00:24:01,982 --> 00:24:03,688 -Good morning. -Good morning, sir. 438 00:24:03,734 --> 00:24:05,520 I'd like some aftershave please. 439 00:24:05,527 --> 00:24:07,358 Certainly, sir. Walk this way please. 440 00:24:07,363 --> 00:24:09,524 If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need aftershave. 441 00:24:15,537 --> 00:24:16,697 Good morning. 442 00:24:16,747 --> 00:24:18,237 Good morning, sir. Can I help you? 443 00:24:18,290 --> 00:24:20,030 Yes. I'd like some aftershave please. 444 00:24:20,084 --> 00:24:23,042 A toilet requisite-t-t-t-t-t-t-t. 445 00:24:23,087 --> 00:24:25,703 T-t-t. Would you like to try this, sir? 446 00:24:25,714 --> 00:24:28,251 It's our very latest. It's called Sea Mist. 447 00:24:28,300 --> 00:24:31,383 [SNIFFS] Hm. Quite like it. 448 00:24:31,428 --> 00:24:32,713 How about something more musky? 449 00:24:32,763 --> 00:24:35,630 This one's called Mimmo. 450 00:24:35,683 --> 00:24:38,470 Not really, no. Have you anything a little fishier? 451 00:24:38,519 --> 00:24:40,510 -Fishier? -Fishier. 452 00:24:40,562 --> 00:24:42,098 Fish, fish, fish. 453 00:24:42,147 --> 00:24:45,560 A fishy requisite-t-t-t-t-t-t-t. 454 00:24:46,026 --> 00:24:47,607 Like halibut or sea bass. 455 00:24:47,653 --> 00:24:49,189 -Or bream? -Yes. 456 00:24:49,238 --> 00:24:50,728 No, we haven't got any of that. 457 00:24:50,781 --> 00:24:54,239 Uh, I've got mackerel or cod or hake? 458 00:24:54,243 --> 00:24:57,110 You haven't got anything a little more halibut-ish? 459 00:24:57,162 --> 00:24:59,403 Uh... Parrot? 460 00:24:59,415 --> 00:25:00,951 What's that doing there? 461 00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:03,537 Or skate with just a hint of prawn? 462 00:25:03,585 --> 00:25:06,247 Or crab, tiger and almonds? Very unusual. 463 00:25:06,255 --> 00:25:08,337 I really had my heart set on halibut. 464 00:25:08,382 --> 00:25:10,418 Well, sir, we had a fishy consignment in this morning 465 00:25:10,426 --> 00:25:12,212 so I could nip down to the basement 466 00:25:12,261 --> 00:25:13,592 and see if! can come up trumps 467 00:25:13,637 --> 00:25:16,344 with this particular requisite-t-t-t-t-t. 468 00:25:16,390 --> 00:25:18,005 So it was halibut or...? 469 00:25:18,058 --> 00:25:21,391 -Sea bass. -Sea bass. Won't be a moment-t-t-t. 470 00:25:26,108 --> 00:25:27,973 Sorry about this. 471 00:25:28,027 --> 00:25:31,110 Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. 472 00:25:31,113 --> 00:25:33,525 Normally, we try and avoid these little pauses, 473 00:25:33,574 --> 00:25:35,735 longueurs. 474 00:25:35,784 --> 00:25:38,992 Only dramatically he's gone down to the basement, you see. 475 00:25:39,038 --> 00:25:40,528 Of course, there isn't really a basement, 476 00:25:40,581 --> 00:25:44,790 uh, but he just goes off and we pretend. 477 00:25:44,793 --> 00:25:47,079 Actually, what happens is, he just goes off there, 478 00:25:47,129 --> 00:25:48,665 off camera, and just waits there, 479 00:25:48,714 --> 00:25:51,706 so it looks as though he's gone down 480 00:25:51,759 --> 00:25:54,626 to the basement. 481 00:25:54,678 --> 00:25:57,636 Actually, I think he's rather overdoing it. Ah. 482 00:26:02,394 --> 00:26:05,557 [PANTING] Oh, sorry, sir. Lot of steps. 483 00:26:07,566 --> 00:26:09,648 I'm afraid it didn't come in this morning, sir. 484 00:26:09,651 --> 00:26:11,437 We have got some at our Kensington branch. 485 00:26:11,487 --> 00:26:13,478 I'll just nip down there and get it for you. 486 00:26:13,489 --> 00:26:15,320 -How long will that be? -Twenty minutes. 487 00:26:15,324 --> 00:26:17,565 Twenty minutes? 488 00:26:26,502 --> 00:26:28,288 Oh. Uh, 489 00:26:28,337 --> 00:26:31,579 "I wonder what other people use for aftershave lotion?" 490 00:26:33,383 --> 00:26:36,341 I use a body rub 491 00:26:36,345 --> 00:26:39,257 called Halitosis. 492 00:26:39,306 --> 00:26:42,469 It makes my breath seem sweet. 493 00:26:42,518 --> 00:26:45,510 I use an aftershave 494 00:26:45,562 --> 00:26:48,725 called Semprini. 495 00:26:51,318 --> 00:26:54,685 Uh, sorry, sorry, can't stop now. Gotta get to Kensington. 496 00:26:54,738 --> 00:26:57,400 I use two kinds of aftershave lotion: 497 00:26:57,449 --> 00:26:58,780 frankincense, myrrh-- 498 00:27:00,577 --> 00:27:02,533 frankincense, myrrh, sandalwood-- 499 00:27:02,538 --> 00:27:06,030 Four kinds of aftershave lotion: frankincense-- 500 00:27:06,041 --> 00:27:10,034 l have a cold shower every morning just before I go mad, 501 00:27:10,045 --> 00:27:15,415 and then I go mad one. Mad two. Mad three. Mad four. 502 00:27:15,467 --> 00:27:19,460 I use Rancid Polecat No. 2. 503 00:27:19,513 --> 00:27:23,051 It keeps my skin nice and scaly. 504 00:27:23,100 --> 00:27:26,342 Uh. Sorry again. Can't stop. Gotta get back. 505 00:27:28,981 --> 00:27:31,267 [PANTING] Ooh! Well, I'm afraid 506 00:27:31,316 --> 00:27:33,056 they don't have any at our Kensington branch. 507 00:27:33,068 --> 00:27:34,478 But we have got some at the depot. 508 00:27:34,528 --> 00:27:35,643 -Where's that? -Aberdeen. 509 00:27:35,696 --> 00:27:37,061 -Aberdeen? -|t's all right. 510 00:27:37,072 --> 00:27:38,528 You wait here. I've got a car. 511 00:27:38,574 --> 00:27:40,565 No, no. I'll take the other. The crab, tiger and-- 512 00:27:40,617 --> 00:27:42,608 -Almond requisite-t-t-t-t-t? -I'II take it. 513 00:27:56,592 --> 00:27:57,752 [BLOWS WHISTLE] 514 00:27:57,759 --> 00:28:00,216 Right, right, right! 515 00:28:00,262 --> 00:28:02,719 Now then, now then. Your turn. 516 00:28:02,764 --> 00:28:05,130 Aren't you going to say, "What's all this, then?" 517 00:28:05,184 --> 00:28:06,720 Oh, right. What's all this, then? 518 00:28:06,768 --> 00:28:08,429 This man has been shoplifting, officer. 519 00:28:08,437 --> 00:28:10,052 -Oh, yes? -Yes. 520 00:28:10,105 --> 00:28:11,766 Are you trying to tell me my job? 521 00:28:11,940 --> 00:28:13,646 No, but he's been shoplifting. 522 00:28:13,692 --> 00:28:15,148 Look, I must warn you 523 00:28:15,194 --> 00:28:17,185 that anything you may say will be ignored. 524 00:28:17,237 --> 00:28:19,273 And furthermore, given half a chance, 525 00:28:19,323 --> 00:28:21,405 I'll put my fist through your teeth. 526 00:28:21,450 --> 00:28:22,781 F'tang, f'tang. 527 00:28:22,951 --> 00:28:24,487 But, officer, this man here-- 528 00:28:24,536 --> 00:28:26,618 Look, I've had enough of you. You're under arrest. 529 00:28:26,622 --> 00:28:28,237 [IMITATING AIRPLANE] 530 00:28:28,290 --> 00:28:31,373 Officer, it wasn't him. He's the shoplifter. 531 00:28:31,418 --> 00:28:32,658 No, I'm not. 532 00:28:32,711 --> 00:28:34,326 He's not. I'm a witness. 533 00:28:34,379 --> 00:28:36,791 Look, one more peep out of you, 534 00:28:36,965 --> 00:28:38,626 and I'll do you for heresy. 535 00:28:38,675 --> 00:28:40,791 Heresy? Blimey, I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition. 536 00:28:40,969 --> 00:28:43,301 Shut up! F'tang, f'tang! 537 00:28:43,347 --> 00:28:45,463 Oh, that's nice. Right. 538 00:28:45,974 --> 00:28:47,635 I'm taking you along to the station. 539 00:28:47,684 --> 00:28:49,140 What for? 540 00:28:49,144 --> 00:28:51,055 I'm charging you with illegal possession 541 00:28:51,104 --> 00:28:53,186 of whatever we happen to have down there. Right. 542 00:28:53,232 --> 00:28:56,349 Lunar module calling Buzz Aldrin. Come in. 543 00:28:56,401 --> 00:28:58,107 [BUZZING] 544 00:28:58,153 --> 00:29:00,519 J‘ Raindrops keep falling On my head J‘ 545 00:29:00,572 --> 00:29:02,358 J‘ But that doesn't mean-- J‘ 546 00:29:02,407 --> 00:29:05,274 The BBC would like to apologize to the police 547 00:29:05,327 --> 00:29:08,160 about the character of Police Constable Pan Am. 548 00:29:08,205 --> 00:29:11,538 He was not meant to represent the average police officer. 549 00:29:11,583 --> 00:29:14,495 Similarly, the reference to Buzz Aldrin, the astronaut, 550 00:29:14,503 --> 00:29:16,710 was the product of a disordered mind, 551 00:29:16,755 --> 00:29:19,713 and should not be construed as having any other significance. 552 00:29:19,758 --> 00:29:23,125 ["THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER" PLAYS] 553 00:29:52,040 --> 00:29:55,658 [IN UNISON] And now for something 554 00:29:55,711 --> 00:29:58,703 completely different. 555 00:29:58,714 --> 00:30:01,581 [ALL GIGGLING] 556 00:30:03,802 --> 00:30:05,508 [IN UNISON] Ooh, 557 00:30:05,554 --> 00:30:08,387 that was fun. 558 00:30:08,432 --> 00:30:11,390 And now... 559 00:30:11,393 --> 00:30:18,390 GUMBIES: The end! The end! The end!