1 00:00:50,050 --> 00:00:51,586 Here is a preview 2 00:00:51,635 --> 00:00:53,125 of some of the programs you'll be able to see 3 00:00:53,178 --> 00:00:55,089 coming shortly on BBC Television. 4 00:00:55,138 --> 00:00:57,470 To kick off with, there 's variety. 5 00:00:57,474 --> 00:01:00,716 Peter West and Brian Johnston star in Rain Stopped Play, 6 00:01:00,769 --> 00:01:03,556 a wacky new comedy series about the gay exploits 7 00:01:03,605 --> 00:01:05,812 of two television cricket commentators, 8 00:01:05,983 --> 00:01:09,066 with E. W. Swanton as Aggie, the kooky Scots maid. 9 00:01:09,319 --> 00:01:11,981 For those of you who don 't like variety, 10 00:01:12,030 --> 00:01:15,739 there 's variety, with Brian Close at the Talk of the Town. 11 00:01:15,784 --> 00:01:18,526 And, of course, there 7/ be sport. 12 00:01:18,579 --> 00:01:20,820 The Classics series return to BBC 2, 13 00:01:20,998 --> 00:01:25,162 with 26 episodes of John Galsworthy’s Snooker My Way, 14 00:01:25,669 --> 00:01:27,205 with Nyree Dawn Porter 15 00:01:27,254 --> 00:01:29,540 repeating her triumph as Joe Davis. 16 00:01:29,590 --> 00:01:32,332 And, of course, there 7/ be sport. 17 00:01:32,384 --> 00:01:34,375 Comedy is not forgotten with Jim Laker 18 00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:36,794 in Thirteen Weeks of Off-spin Bowling. 19 00:01:36,847 --> 00:01:39,054 Jim plays the zany bachelor bowler 20 00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:40,839 in a new series of szat, 21 00:01:41,018 --> 00:01:43,634 with Anneli Drummond—Hay on Mr. Softee as his wife. 22 00:01:43,687 --> 00:01:46,269 And, of course, there 7/ be sport. 23 00:01:46,315 --> 00:01:48,681 Panorama will be returning, introduced, as usual, 24 00:01:48,692 --> 00:01:50,523 by Tony Jack/in, 25 00:01:50,569 --> 00:01:53,686 and Lulu will be tackling the Old Man of Hoy. 26 00:01:53,739 --> 00:01:57,357 And for those of you who prefer drama, there '3 sport. 27 00:01:57,367 --> 00:02:00,359 On Show of the Week Kenneth Wolstenholme sings. 28 00:02:00,370 --> 00:02:02,531 And for those of you who don 't like television, 29 00:02:02,581 --> 00:02:04,196 there 's David Coleman. 30 00:02:06,335 --> 00:02:09,998 But now for something completely different. Sport. 31 00:02:10,047 --> 00:02:12,288 [J‘J‘] 32 00:02:13,675 --> 00:02:18,044 [MAN] Monty Python ’s Flying Circus. 33 00:02:47,417 --> 00:02:49,578 [WIND WHOOSHES] 34 00:02:59,054 --> 00:03:01,636 [J‘J‘] 35 00:03:01,682 --> 00:03:04,549 [HAMMERING] 36 00:03:07,104 --> 00:03:09,686 [J‘J‘] 37 00:03:17,656 --> 00:03:20,443 [MUSIC SLOWS, STOPS] 38 00:03:43,181 --> 00:03:46,014 Good, blimey. Look what we found. 39 00:03:46,059 --> 00:03:48,391 [INDISTINCT CHATTER] 40 00:03:48,437 --> 00:03:50,678 [CAR APPROACHING] 41 00:03:50,731 --> 00:03:53,063 [MAN 1] What an amazing find. 42 00:03:53,108 --> 00:03:55,190 [MAN 2] It really is fantastic. 43 00:03:55,235 --> 00:03:56,691 [MAN 3] It's the archaeological find of the century. 44 00:03:56,737 --> 00:03:58,648 [MAN 4] It is, indeed, indeed... 45 00:03:58,697 --> 00:04:00,688 [MAN] Gentlemen, from this single part, 46 00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:02,732 and months of painstaking research, 47 00:04:02,784 --> 00:04:07,198 we've been able to accurately reconstruct this entire beast. 48 00:04:08,790 --> 00:04:11,202 [J‘J‘] 49 00:04:17,007 --> 00:04:19,669 Hello. On Archaeology Today tonight, 50 00:04:19,718 --> 00:04:23,336 l have with me Professor Lucien Kastner of Oslo University. 51 00:04:23,388 --> 00:04:24,548 Uh, good evening. 52 00:04:24,598 --> 00:04:26,338 How tall are you, professor? 53 00:04:26,391 --> 00:04:27,551 I beg your pardon? 54 00:04:27,601 --> 00:04:29,091 How tall are you? 55 00:04:29,144 --> 00:04:31,009 I'm about 5-foot-10. 56 00:04:31,062 --> 00:04:33,178 And an expert in Egyptian tomb paintings. Sir Robert-- 57 00:04:33,190 --> 00:04:34,475 Are you really 5-foot-10? 58 00:04:34,524 --> 00:04:36,139 Yes. 59 00:04:36,193 --> 00:04:37,353 Funny, you look much shorter than that. 60 00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:39,191 Are you slumped forward in your chair? 61 00:04:39,237 --> 00:04:40,647 Well, no, l-l... 62 00:04:40,697 --> 00:04:42,528 Extraordinary. Sir Robert Eversley, 63 00:04:42,532 --> 00:04:45,444 who's just returned from the excavations at El Ara. 64 00:04:45,494 --> 00:04:47,485 And you must be well over 6-foot. 65 00:04:50,791 --> 00:04:52,622 In fact, I think you're 6-foot-5, aren't you? 66 00:04:52,667 --> 00:04:53,747 Uh, yes. 67 00:04:53,794 --> 00:04:56,035 [SCREECHING] 68 00:04:56,046 --> 00:04:57,707 Oh, that's marvelous. 69 00:04:57,714 --> 00:05:00,456 You're a different kind of specimen to Professor Kastner. 70 00:05:00,509 --> 00:05:02,716 Straight in your seat, erect, firm. 71 00:05:02,719 --> 00:05:04,960 Yes. I thought we were here to discuss archaeology. 72 00:05:05,013 --> 00:05:06,719 Yes, yes, of course we are, yes, absolutely, 73 00:05:06,723 --> 00:05:09,009 oh, you're absolutely right. Heh-ho. 74 00:05:09,059 --> 00:05:10,765 That's positive thinking for you. 75 00:05:10,977 --> 00:05:12,717 You wouldn't have said that, would you? 76 00:05:12,771 --> 00:05:16,059 You 5-foot-10-inch weed. 77 00:05:16,066 --> 00:05:18,102 Sir Robert Eversley, 78 00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:19,732 who's very interesting, 79 00:05:19,778 --> 00:05:23,066 what have you discovered in the excavations at El Ara? 80 00:05:23,281 --> 00:05:26,648 Uh, well, basically we have found a complex of tombs-- 81 00:05:26,701 --> 00:05:28,316 Very good speaking voice. 82 00:05:28,370 --> 00:05:30,782 --uh, which present dramatic evidence 83 00:05:30,997 --> 00:05:32,487 of Polynesian influence 84 00:05:32,541 --> 00:05:35,123 in Egypt in the third dynasty, which is quite remarkable. 85 00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:36,499 How tall were the Polynesians? 86 00:05:36,545 --> 00:05:38,410 - Ah, they were-- - Shh. 87 00:05:38,421 --> 00:05:40,127 Well, they were rather small, seafaring-- 88 00:05:40,173 --> 00:05:42,414 Short men, were they? All squat and bent up? 89 00:05:42,467 --> 00:05:44,423 - Who were the tall people? - I don't know. 90 00:05:44,427 --> 00:05:46,292 Who's that really tall tribe in Africa? 91 00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:48,211 - This is hardly archaeology. - The Watutsi. 92 00:05:48,265 --> 00:05:50,130 That's it, the Watutsi. Oh, that's the tribe. 93 00:05:50,183 --> 00:05:52,094 Some of them were 8-foot tall. Oh. 94 00:05:52,102 --> 00:05:54,263 Can you imagine that, eight foot of Watutsi? 95 00:05:54,271 --> 00:05:55,807 Not one on another's shoulders. 96 00:05:56,022 --> 00:05:59,185 Oh, no, 8-foot of solid Watutsi. Oh. 97 00:05:59,776 --> 00:06:01,312 That's what I call tall. 98 00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:03,352 Yes, but it's nothing to do with archaeology. 99 00:06:03,405 --> 00:06:05,566 Oh, to hell with archaeology. 100 00:06:05,615 --> 00:06:07,526 Let me speak. 101 00:06:07,576 --> 00:06:10,283 I came all the way from Oslo to do this program. 102 00:06:10,328 --> 00:06:12,319 I'm a professor of archaeology. 103 00:06:12,372 --> 00:06:15,239 I'm an expert in ancient civilizations. 104 00:06:15,292 --> 00:06:17,658 All right, I'm only 5-foot-10. 105 00:06:17,711 --> 00:06:19,793 All right, my posture is bad. 106 00:06:19,963 --> 00:06:22,625 All right, I slump in my chair. 107 00:06:22,632 --> 00:06:25,339 But I've had more women than either of you two. 108 00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:28,252 I've had half of Norway, that's what I've had. 109 00:06:28,305 --> 00:06:30,091 So you can keep your Robert Eversley! 110 00:06:30,140 --> 00:06:32,051 And keep your bloody Watutsi. 111 00:06:32,100 --> 00:06:35,137 I'd rather have my little body. 112 00:06:35,145 --> 00:06:39,058 My little 5-foot-10-inch body. 113 00:06:39,107 --> 00:06:41,314 [SOBBING] 114 00:06:42,777 --> 00:06:44,642 Bloody fool. Look what you've done to him. 115 00:06:44,654 --> 00:06:46,360 Don't "bloody fool" me. 116 00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:49,990 I'll do what I like, because I'm 6-foot-5, 117 00:06:50,035 --> 00:06:52,777 and I eat punks like you for breakfast. 118 00:06:52,829 --> 00:06:54,160 Whoa. 119 00:06:56,458 --> 00:06:58,244 I'll get you for that, Eversley. 120 00:06:58,293 --> 00:06:59,499 I'll get you if I have to travel 121 00:06:59,544 --> 00:07:01,000 to the four corners of the earth. 122 00:07:01,046 --> 00:07:02,536 [J‘J‘] 123 00:07:11,306 --> 00:07:14,548 [J‘J‘] 124 00:07:33,203 --> 00:07:35,694 [WOMAN] The dig was going well that year. 125 00:07:35,747 --> 00:07:37,988 We had discovered some Hittite baking dishes 126 00:07:38,041 --> 00:07:39,702 from the fifth dynasty, 127 00:07:39,751 --> 00:07:43,460 and Sir Robert was happier than I had ever seen him. 128 00:07:43,505 --> 00:07:46,121 J‘ Today J‘ 129 00:07:46,174 --> 00:07:50,292 J‘ I hear the robin sing J‘ 130 00:07:53,515 --> 00:07:56,427 J‘ The thrush is on the wing J” 131 00:07:58,228 --> 00:08:02,597 J‘ Who knows what life Will bring? J” 132 00:08:11,700 --> 00:08:14,407 Why... 133 00:08:14,452 --> 00:08:18,320 A Sumerian drinking vessel of the fourth dynasty. 134 00:08:18,373 --> 00:08:22,491 J‘ Today J‘ 135 00:08:24,587 --> 00:08:28,705 Catalog this pot, Danielle, it's fourth dynasty. 136 00:08:28,758 --> 00:08:30,965 Ooh, is it...? 137 00:08:31,011 --> 00:08:33,718 Yes, it's...Sumerian. 138 00:08:33,763 --> 00:08:36,254 Oh, how wonderful. 139 00:08:36,266 --> 00:08:39,053 Oh, I am so happy for you. 140 00:08:39,102 --> 00:08:41,514 I'm happy too, now at last we know 141 00:08:41,563 --> 00:08:43,428 there was a Sumerian influence here 142 00:08:47,277 --> 00:08:51,395 Two thousand years before the reign of Tutankhamen. 143 00:08:51,448 --> 00:08:54,781 J‘ Today J‘ 144 00:08:54,993 --> 00:08:58,577 J‘ I hear the robin sing J‘ 145 00:08:58,621 --> 00:09:01,658 J‘ Today J‘ 146 00:09:01,708 --> 00:09:04,415 J‘ The thrush is on the wing J” 147 00:09:04,461 --> 00:09:06,122 [IN UNISON] J‘ TodayJ‘ 148 00:09:06,129 --> 00:09:10,213 J‘ Who knows what life Will bring? J” 149 00:09:12,260 --> 00:09:14,125 [MUSIC STOPS] 150 00:09:14,179 --> 00:09:18,388 All right, Eversley, get up out of that trench. 151 00:09:18,433 --> 00:09:20,970 Don't forget, 152 00:09:21,019 --> 00:09:23,226 I'm 6-foot-5. 153 00:09:23,271 --> 00:09:25,011 That doesn't worry me. 154 00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:26,100 Kastner. 155 00:09:26,149 --> 00:09:28,140 Here, lord. 156 00:09:28,151 --> 00:09:30,608 Up. 157 00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:34,608 EIeven-foot-three? 158 00:09:34,657 --> 00:09:35,988 I'm so tall. 159 00:09:36,034 --> 00:09:38,571 [LAUGHING] I'm so tall. 160 00:09:40,288 --> 00:09:41,653 Danielle. 161 00:09:44,250 --> 00:09:46,992 Eleven-foot-six. Damn you. 162 00:09:47,003 --> 00:09:48,209 Abdul. 163 00:09:48,254 --> 00:09:50,290 Fifteen-foot-four. 164 00:09:50,340 --> 00:09:52,001 Mustapha. 165 00:09:52,050 --> 00:09:54,462 Nineteen-foot-three. Damn you. 166 00:09:56,679 --> 00:09:59,512 [ALL GRUNTING, YELLING] 167 00:10:20,787 --> 00:10:25,372 And there we end this edition of Archaeology Today. 168 00:10:25,375 --> 00:10:29,368 Next week, the Silbury dig, by Cole Porter, 169 00:10:29,420 --> 00:10:32,537 with Pearl Bailey and Arthur Negus. 170 00:10:32,590 --> 00:10:35,753 [ANNOUNCER] And now, an appeal for sanity, 171 00:10:35,802 --> 00:10:37,542 from the Reverend Arthur Belling. 172 00:10:37,595 --> 00:10:42,214 You know, there are many people in the country today who, 173 00:10:42,267 --> 00:10:46,226 through no fault of their own, are sane. 174 00:10:46,271 --> 00:10:48,683 Some of them were born sane. 175 00:10:48,731 --> 00:10:51,723 Some of them became sane later in their lives. 176 00:10:53,778 --> 00:10:57,566 It is up to people like you and me, 177 00:10:57,574 --> 00:11:01,237 who are out of our tiny little minds, 178 00:11:01,244 --> 00:11:05,283 to try and help these people overcome their sanity. 179 00:11:05,331 --> 00:11:07,037 You can start in small ways 180 00:11:07,083 --> 00:11:09,449 with ping pong-ball eyes and a funny voice. 181 00:11:09,502 --> 00:11:12,335 And then you can paint half of your body red 182 00:11:12,380 --> 00:11:13,620 and the other half green. 183 00:11:13,673 --> 00:11:15,209 And then you can jump up and down 184 00:11:15,258 --> 00:11:16,543 in a bowl of treacle going: 185 00:11:16,593 --> 00:11:19,130 [SQUAWKING] 186 00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:20,794 And then you can go: 187 00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:23,005 Nuh, nuh, nuh. 188 00:11:23,057 --> 00:11:25,343 And then you can roll around on the floor going: 189 00:11:25,393 --> 00:11:27,384 P' . , . ting, ptlng, p'ting p'ting. ’ 190 00:11:27,437 --> 00:11:29,428 The Reverend Arthur Belling is vicar 191 00:11:29,439 --> 00:11:32,602 of St. Loony-Up-The-Cream- Bun- and-Jam. 192 00:11:35,653 --> 00:11:38,770 Good evening. My name is Leapy Lee. 193 00:11:38,781 --> 00:11:41,397 No, sorry. That's the name of me favorite singer. 194 00:11:41,451 --> 00:11:44,113 My name is Mrs. Fred Stolle. 195 00:11:44,162 --> 00:11:45,777 No, no. Mrs. Fred Stolle is the wife 196 00:11:45,788 --> 00:11:47,403 of me favorite tennis player. 197 00:11:47,457 --> 00:11:49,197 My name is Bananas. 198 00:11:49,250 --> 00:11:51,115 No, no, that's me favorite fruit. 199 00:11:51,169 --> 00:11:54,206 l'm Mrs. Nice-Evening- out-at-the-Pictu res- 200 00:11:54,255 --> 00:11:56,462 Then-Perhaps-a-Dance- Then-Back-to-His-Place- 201 00:11:56,466 --> 00:11:57,751 for-Coffee- and-a-Little-Bit-of—- 202 00:11:57,800 --> 00:11:59,540 No. No, sorry. 203 00:11:59,594 --> 00:12:02,131 That's me favorite way of spending a night out. 204 00:12:02,180 --> 00:12:04,637 Perhaps I am Leapy Lee? Yes, I must be Leapy Lee. 205 00:12:04,682 --> 00:12:06,297 Hello fans. Leapy Lee here. 206 00:12:06,309 --> 00:12:07,719 J‘ Little arrows that will-- I 207 00:12:07,769 --> 00:12:09,305 [RINGS] 208 00:12:09,312 --> 00:12:10,722 Hello? 209 00:12:10,772 --> 00:12:12,353 Evidently, I'm not Leapy Lee. 210 00:12:12,398 --> 00:12:13,729 I thought I probably wouldn't be. 211 00:12:13,775 --> 00:12:15,811 Thank you, I'll tell them. 212 00:12:15,985 --> 00:12:17,475 Hello, Denis Compton here. 213 00:12:17,487 --> 00:12:19,478 No, no. No, no. I should have written it down. 214 00:12:19,530 --> 00:12:20,815 Now where's that number? 215 00:12:20,990 --> 00:12:23,151 I'm Mao Tse-tung. I'm P.P. Arnold. 216 00:12:23,201 --> 00:12:27,365 I'm Margaret Thatcher. I'm Sir Gerald Nabarro. 217 00:12:27,413 --> 00:12:30,655 Hello? Sir Len Hutton here. Could you tell me, please--? 218 00:12:30,667 --> 00:12:33,409 Oh, am I? Oh, thank you. 219 00:12:33,461 --> 00:12:38,205 Good evening. I'm Mrs. What- Number-Are-You-Dialing-Please? 220 00:12:43,513 --> 00:12:46,129 - Uh, good morning. - Good morning. 221 00:12:46,182 --> 00:12:48,548 - A-are you the registrar? - I have that function. 222 00:12:48,601 --> 00:12:51,638 Well, I was here on Saturday, getting married to a blond girl, 223 00:12:51,688 --> 00:12:53,269 and I'd like to change, please. 224 00:12:53,314 --> 00:12:54,394 I'd like to have this one instead. 225 00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:55,771 What do you mean? 226 00:12:55,817 --> 00:12:57,648 The other one wasn't any good 227 00:12:57,694 --> 00:12:59,309 so I'd like to swap it for this one, please. 228 00:12:59,362 --> 00:13:00,351 I have paid. I paid on Saturday. 229 00:13:00,405 --> 00:13:02,316 Here's the ticket. 230 00:13:02,365 --> 00:13:04,651 Ah. Ah, no. That-- That was when you were married. 231 00:13:04,701 --> 00:13:06,657 Yes. That was when I was married to the wrong one. 232 00:13:06,703 --> 00:13:08,534 I didn't like the color. 233 00:13:08,538 --> 00:13:10,244 This is the one I want, so if you change the forms 234 00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:11,370 I can take this one now. 235 00:13:11,416 --> 00:13:12,747 I can't do that. 236 00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:14,453 Look, make it simple, I'll pay again. 237 00:13:14,502 --> 00:13:16,083 No, you can't do that. 238 00:13:16,129 --> 00:13:17,790 Just change the wife, say the words, 239 00:13:18,006 --> 00:13:20,042 - back to my place, no questions. - I'm sorry, sir, 240 00:13:20,091 --> 00:13:21,376 but we're not allowed to change. 241 00:13:21,426 --> 00:13:23,667 - You can at Harrods. - You can't. 242 00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:26,211 I changed my record player, and there wasn't a grumble. 243 00:13:26,472 --> 00:13:28,428 - It's different. - And I changed my pet snake. 244 00:13:28,474 --> 00:13:30,055 And I changed my Robin Day tie. 245 00:13:30,059 --> 00:13:31,390 You can't change a bloody wife. 246 00:13:31,394 --> 00:13:33,225 Oh, all right! 247 00:13:33,229 --> 00:13:34,594 Can I borrow one for the weekend? 248 00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:36,603 - No. - Oh, blimey, 249 00:13:36,649 --> 00:13:38,105 I only wanted a jolly good-- 250 00:13:38,151 --> 00:13:40,142 [WHISTLE] 251 00:13:40,194 --> 00:13:42,401 All right, break it up. All right, what's your number, then? 252 00:13:42,447 --> 00:13:45,063 - All right. Right, name? - Cook. 253 00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:49,025 [WHISTLE] 254 00:13:51,581 --> 00:13:52,741 Next, please. Name? 255 00:13:52,790 --> 00:13:55,122 - Uh, Watson. - Mr. Watson. 256 00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:56,248 Uh, no, doctor. 257 00:13:56,294 --> 00:13:58,080 Ah. Mr. Doctor. 258 00:13:58,087 --> 00:13:59,247 No, not mister, doctor. 259 00:13:59,297 --> 00:14:00,707 Oh, Dr. Doctor. 260 00:14:00,757 --> 00:14:02,088 No, Dr. Watson. 261 00:14:02,133 --> 00:14:05,000 Dr. Watson Doctor. 262 00:14:05,053 --> 00:14:06,338 Oh, just call me darling. 263 00:14:06,387 --> 00:14:08,298 - Hello, Mr. Darling. - No, doctor. 264 00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:09,428 Hello, Dr. Darling. 265 00:14:09,474 --> 00:14:12,307 [WHISTLE BLOWS] 266 00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:15,970 [ANNOUNCER] But at Wembley, play had resumed. 267 00:14:16,022 --> 00:14:19,310 [CROWD CHEERING, CHATTERING] 268 00:14:22,528 --> 00:14:25,110 Meanwhile, nearby the day was just beginning 269 00:14:25,114 --> 00:14:27,605 for Mugsy Spaniel, a convicted gangster 270 00:14:27,658 --> 00:14:30,115 and well-known swell guy. 271 00:14:30,119 --> 00:14:31,450 Breakfast, dear. 272 00:14:31,454 --> 00:14:34,446 Oh, thank you, dear. 273 00:14:36,167 --> 00:14:39,250 Happy birthday, Mugsy. 274 00:14:39,295 --> 00:14:41,160 Bloody eggs. 275 00:14:41,214 --> 00:14:42,670 Yes, indeed. This was the work 276 00:14:42,715 --> 00:14:44,376 of none other than Eggs Diamond, 277 00:14:44,425 --> 00:14:47,633 leader of the notorious Chicken Gang. 278 00:14:47,637 --> 00:14:51,300 [CLUCKING] 279 00:14:55,311 --> 00:14:57,472 Dinsdale. 280 00:14:57,522 --> 00:14:59,558 With the gang out for blood, a man's life 281 00:14:59,607 --> 00:15:01,643 wasn't worth the paper it was printed on. 282 00:15:01,651 --> 00:15:04,188 Already there have been murders committed here and here, 283 00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:06,649 and the latest one right here. 284 00:15:06,697 --> 00:15:08,153 He's right, you know. 285 00:15:08,157 --> 00:15:09,988 [G ROANS] 286 00:15:09,992 --> 00:15:12,324 The powerful forces Eggs set loose on the city, 287 00:15:13,996 --> 00:15:15,611 Return with us now to the hideout. 288 00:15:15,665 --> 00:15:18,702 [GUNSHOTS, CLUCKING] 289 00:15:22,755 --> 00:15:25,246 [J‘J‘] 290 00:15:25,299 --> 00:15:28,632 These and other fascinating lies are yours for the reading, 291 00:15:28,678 --> 00:15:30,714 in this beautifully bound volume. 292 00:15:30,763 --> 00:15:34,347 Bite now, suckers. This is an ideal gift. 293 00:15:34,392 --> 00:15:37,350 A must for all you out there who long to sound clever 294 00:15:37,353 --> 00:15:39,594 at your next cocktail party. 295 00:15:43,151 --> 00:15:47,019 Ah, John. Allow me to introduce my next-door neighbor. 296 00:15:47,029 --> 00:15:48,519 John Stokes, this is 297 00:15:48,531 --> 00:15:51,193 A Sniveling Little Rat-faced Git. Ah. 298 00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:53,612 Hello. I noticed a slight look of anxiety 299 00:15:53,661 --> 00:15:55,367 cross your face for a moment just then, 300 00:15:55,413 --> 00:15:57,199 but you needn't worry. I'm used to it, heh. 301 00:15:57,206 --> 00:15:59,197 That's the trouble of having a surname like Git. 302 00:15:59,250 --> 00:16:00,330 Oh, yes, yes. 303 00:16:00,376 --> 00:16:01,582 We did think of having itchanged, 304 00:16:01,627 --> 00:16:03,037 by deed poll, you know, 305 00:16:03,087 --> 00:16:04,668 to Watson or something like that. 306 00:16:04,714 --> 00:16:06,454 But A Sniveling Little Rat-faced Watson's 307 00:16:06,507 --> 00:16:07,963 just as bad, eh? 308 00:16:08,009 --> 00:16:09,715 Yes, yes, I suppose so. Yes. 309 00:16:09,719 --> 00:16:12,381 Oh, that's my wife. Darling. 310 00:16:12,388 --> 00:16:14,253 Come and meet Mr.-- What was it? 311 00:16:14,307 --> 00:16:16,389 - Uh, Stokes, uh, John Stokes. - Oh, yes. 312 00:16:16,434 --> 00:16:20,097 John Stokes, this is my wife, Dreary Fat Boring Old. 313 00:16:21,147 --> 00:16:23,058 Oh, uh, h-how do you do? 314 00:16:23,065 --> 00:16:24,601 How do you do? 315 00:16:24,650 --> 00:16:26,265 Darling, there you are. 316 00:16:26,319 --> 00:16:28,025 Yes, yes, here I am, yes. 317 00:16:28,070 --> 00:16:29,560 Oh, is this your wife? 318 00:16:29,614 --> 00:16:31,775 Yes, yes, yes. Th-this is the wife, yes. 319 00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:35,449 Um, darling, these-- These are the Gits. 320 00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:38,077 - What? - The Gits. 321 00:16:38,122 --> 00:16:39,703 Oh, heaven's sakes, we are being formal. 322 00:16:39,749 --> 00:16:41,080 Does it have to be surnames? 323 00:16:41,083 --> 00:16:43,415 Oh, no, no. Not at all. 324 00:16:43,461 --> 00:16:46,077 Um, no. Th-this is, uh, 325 00:16:46,130 --> 00:16:48,462 my wife Norah. Uh, Norah Jane. 326 00:16:48,508 --> 00:16:50,419 Norah Jane Stokes, heh. 327 00:16:50,468 --> 00:16:54,052 This is A Snivelling Little Rat-faced Git. 328 00:16:54,096 --> 00:16:57,338 And this is his wife, Dreary Fat Boring Old Git. 329 00:16:57,391 --> 00:17:00,303 I was just telling your husband what an awful bore it is 330 00:17:00,353 --> 00:17:02,435 having a surname like Git. 331 00:17:02,438 --> 00:17:05,350 Oh. Oh, well, it's not that bad. 332 00:17:05,608 --> 00:17:07,974 Oh, you've no idea how the kids get taunted. 333 00:17:08,027 --> 00:17:10,268 Why, only last week, Dirty Lying Little Two-faced 334 00:17:10,279 --> 00:17:13,271 came running home from school, sobbing his eyes out. 335 00:17:13,282 --> 00:17:16,319 And our youngest, Ghastly Spotty Horrible Vicious Little 336 00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:20,078 is just at the age when taunts like "She's a git" really hurt. 337 00:17:20,122 --> 00:17:23,285 Yes. [VOM ITS] 338 00:17:23,334 --> 00:17:25,165 Do you, uh, live round here? 339 00:17:25,211 --> 00:17:27,623 Yes, we live up the road. Number 49, you can't miss it. 340 00:17:27,672 --> 00:17:31,005 We've just had the outside painted with warm pus. 341 00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:32,381 Yes, it's very nice, actually. 342 00:17:32,426 --> 00:17:34,337 It goes nicely with the vomit and catarrh 343 00:17:34,387 --> 00:17:36,252 we've had smeared over the front door. 344 00:17:36,305 --> 00:17:38,967 We ought to be going. We have two children to collect. 345 00:17:39,016 --> 00:17:41,132 Oh. Well, bring them round for tea tomorrow. 346 00:17:41,143 --> 00:17:43,099 It's Ghastly Spotty Cross-eyed's birthday 347 00:17:43,145 --> 00:17:45,557 and she's having a spotting and disemboweling party 348 00:17:45,606 --> 00:17:47,471 for a few friends. 349 00:17:49,735 --> 00:17:52,147 and the Rectums from Swanage. 350 00:17:55,449 --> 00:17:58,156 [J‘J‘] 351 00:17:59,745 --> 00:18:02,703 Ah, John. Allow me to introduce my next-door neighbor. 352 00:18:02,748 --> 00:18:06,161 John, this is Mr. Watson. 353 00:18:06,210 --> 00:18:08,246 Hello. I noticed a slight look of anxiety 354 00:18:08,296 --> 00:18:10,207 cross your face just then, but you needn't worry. 355 00:18:10,256 --> 00:18:13,339 I preferred the dirty version. 356 00:18:15,511 --> 00:18:19,049 Well, I've been a hunter all my life. I love animals. 357 00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:20,588 That's why I like to kill 'em. 358 00:18:20,641 --> 00:18:23,098 I wouldn't kill an animal I didn't like. 359 00:18:24,687 --> 00:18:26,678 Good day, Roy. 360 00:18:26,731 --> 00:18:29,347 [NARRATOR] Hank and Roy Spim are tough, fearless backwoodsmen, 361 00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:31,686 who have chosen to live in a violent, unrelenting world 362 00:18:32,194 --> 00:18:35,186 of nature '3 creatures, where only the fittest survive. 363 00:18:35,239 --> 00:18:38,151 Today they are off to hunt mosquitoes. 364 00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:40,361 [ROY] The mosquito's a clever little bastard. 365 00:18:40,411 --> 00:18:42,402 You can track him for days and days 366 00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:44,491 until you really get to know him like a friend. 367 00:18:44,540 --> 00:18:47,122 He knows you're there, and you know he's there. 368 00:18:47,168 --> 00:18:48,624 It's a game of wits. 369 00:18:48,669 --> 00:18:51,331 You hate him, then you respect him, 370 00:18:51,380 --> 00:18:53,371 then you kill him. 371 00:18:53,424 --> 00:18:56,086 [NARRATOR] Suddenly, Hank spots the mosquito they’re after. 372 00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:58,217 [J‘J‘] 373 00:18:59,722 --> 00:19:02,714 Now more than ever, they must rely on the skills 374 00:19:02,933 --> 00:19:06,050 they have learned from a lifetime's hunting. 375 00:19:08,689 --> 00:19:12,056 Hank gauges the wind. 376 00:19:12,068 --> 00:19:14,980 Roy examines the mosquito's spoor. 377 00:19:18,741 --> 00:19:20,948 Then: 378 00:19:34,590 --> 00:19:38,174 It's a success. The mosquito now is dead. 379 00:19:38,219 --> 00:19:42,553 But Roy must make sure. 380 00:19:42,598 --> 00:19:45,681 [ROY] There '3 nothing more dangerous than a wounded mosquito. 381 00:19:45,726 --> 00:19:48,263 [NARRATO R] But the hunt is not over. 382 00:19:48,270 --> 00:19:52,309 With well-practiced skill, Hank skins the mosquito. 383 00:19:52,358 --> 00:19:54,269 The wings of a fully-grown male mosquito 384 00:19:54,318 --> 00:19:56,730 can fetch anything up to 0.8 ofa penny 385 00:19:56,779 --> 00:19:58,269 on the open market. 386 00:19:58,280 --> 00:20:01,272 [J‘J‘] 387 00:20:05,538 --> 00:20:07,699 [NARRATO R] The long day is over, 388 00:20:07,748 --> 00:20:12,287 and it's back to base camp for a night's rest. 389 00:20:13,421 --> 00:20:15,707 Here, surrounded by their trophies, 390 00:20:15,756 --> 00:20:18,293 Roy and Hank prepare for a much tougher ordeal. 391 00:20:18,342 --> 00:20:20,128 A moth hunt. 392 00:20:20,136 --> 00:20:22,627 Well, I follow the moth in the helicopter 393 00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:24,591 to lure it away from the flowers, 394 00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:27,302 and then Roy comes along in the Lockheed Starfighter, 395 00:20:27,351 --> 00:20:29,592 and attacks it with air-to-air missiles. 396 00:20:30,646 --> 00:20:32,557 A lot of people have asked us 397 00:20:32,606 --> 00:20:36,019 why we don't use fly spray. 398 00:20:36,068 --> 00:20:38,150 Well, where's the sport in that? 399 00:20:38,195 --> 00:20:40,402 [NARRATOR] For Roy, sport is everything. 400 00:20:40,448 --> 00:20:43,315 Ever since he lost his left arm battling with an ant, 401 00:20:43,367 --> 00:20:45,153 Roy has risked his life 402 00:20:45,161 --> 00:20:48,324 in the pursuit of tiny creatures. 403 00:20:48,330 --> 00:20:50,787 [J‘J‘] 404 00:20:50,833 --> 00:20:53,825 But it's not all work, and for relaxation 405 00:20:54,044 --> 00:20:58,208 they like nothing more than a day's fishing. 406 00:21:02,219 --> 00:21:04,676 [J‘J‘] 407 00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:06,466 Wherever there is a challenge, 408 00:21:06,515 --> 00:21:08,506 Hank and Roy Spim will be there, 409 00:21:08,517 --> 00:21:10,553 ready to carry on the primordial struggle 410 00:21:10,603 --> 00:21:14,266 between man and inoffensive, tiny insects. 411 00:21:21,197 --> 00:21:23,563 [J‘J‘] 412 00:21:32,541 --> 00:21:36,033 Oh, I've had such a morning in the high court. 413 00:21:36,045 --> 00:21:39,037 I could stamp my little feet the way those Q.C.s carry on. 414 00:21:39,089 --> 00:21:40,454 Don't I know it, love. 415 00:21:40,508 --> 00:21:42,499 Objection here, objection there. 416 00:21:42,551 --> 00:21:45,088 And that nice policeman giving his evidence so well. 417 00:21:45,137 --> 00:21:46,843 Beautiful speaking voice. 418 00:21:47,056 --> 00:21:49,217 Well, after a bit all I could do was bang my little gavel. 419 00:21:49,225 --> 00:21:51,216 - You what, love? - I banged me gavel. 420 00:21:51,268 --> 00:21:53,429 - Oh. - I did me "silence in court" bit. 421 00:21:53,479 --> 00:21:56,061 Oh, if looks could kill, that prosecuting counsel 422 00:21:56,065 --> 00:21:57,726 would be in for 30 years. 423 00:21:57,775 --> 00:21:59,481 How did your summing up go? 424 00:21:59,527 --> 00:22:01,063 Well, I was quite pleased actually. 425 00:22:01,070 --> 00:22:02,776 I was trying to do my butch voice: 426 00:22:02,988 --> 00:22:04,569 [DEEP VOICE] "What the jury must understand." 427 00:22:04,615 --> 00:22:06,571 And they loved it. I could see that foreman eyeing me. 428 00:22:06,575 --> 00:22:08,657 - Really? - Yes, cheeky devil. 429 00:22:08,702 --> 00:22:09,987 Was it the tall man with--? 430 00:22:10,037 --> 00:22:11,277 Just a minute. I must finish. 431 00:22:11,330 --> 00:22:12,661 Anyway, I finished up with: 432 00:22:12,706 --> 00:22:14,412 [DEEP VOICE] "The actions of these men 433 00:22:14,416 --> 00:22:16,372 "is a violent stain on the community, 434 00:22:16,418 --> 00:22:17,783 "and the full penalty of the law 435 00:22:18,003 --> 00:22:19,118 "is scarcely sufficient 436 00:22:19,171 --> 00:22:21,127 to deal with their ghastly crimes." 437 00:22:21,173 --> 00:22:23,129 And I waggled my wig. Just ever so slightly, 438 00:22:23,175 --> 00:22:24,665 but it was a stunning effect. 439 00:22:24,718 --> 00:22:26,754 Oh, I bet it was. Like that super time 440 00:22:26,762 --> 00:22:29,253 I wore that striped robe in the magistrates court. 441 00:22:29,265 --> 00:22:30,505 Oh, aye. 442 00:22:33,352 --> 00:22:35,308 Hello, Mrs. Thing. 443 00:22:36,772 --> 00:22:38,478 How are you then? 444 00:22:38,524 --> 00:22:40,185 Oh, I have had a morning. 445 00:22:40,234 --> 00:22:42,350 . - Busy? - 'Busy?" Huh. 446 00:22:42,403 --> 00:22:44,314 I got up at 5:00, 447 00:22:44,363 --> 00:22:47,025 I made myself a cup of tea, I looked out of the window. 448 00:22:47,074 --> 00:22:49,315 Well, by then I was so worn out, 449 00:22:49,368 --> 00:22:51,074 I had to come and have a sit-down. 450 00:22:51,120 --> 00:22:52,781 I've been here for seven hours. 451 00:22:52,830 --> 00:22:55,116 You must be exhausted. 452 00:22:55,124 --> 00:22:56,489 Oh, have you been shopping? 453 00:22:56,542 --> 00:22:58,078 No, I've been shopping. 454 00:22:58,127 --> 00:23:00,163 Funny. I'm worn out. 455 00:23:00,212 --> 00:23:01,793 I've been shopping for six hours. 456 00:23:01,964 --> 00:23:04,125 - What have you bought, then? - Nothing. 457 00:23:04,174 --> 00:23:06,460 Nothing at all. A complete waste of time. 458 00:23:06,510 --> 00:23:08,125 - Wicked, isn't it? - Wicked. 459 00:23:08,137 --> 00:23:10,298 It'll be worse when we join the Common Market. 460 00:23:10,306 --> 00:23:13,298 That nice Mr. Heath would never allow that. 461 00:23:13,559 --> 00:23:16,301 - It's funny he never married. - He's a bachelor. 462 00:23:16,312 --> 00:23:18,473 Oh, that would explain it. 463 00:23:18,522 --> 00:23:22,014 Oh, dear me, all this chatting away wears me out. 464 00:23:22,276 --> 00:23:24,608 Yes. I bet Mrs. Reginald Maudling 465 00:23:24,653 --> 00:23:26,644 doesn't have to put up with all this drudgery, 466 00:23:26,655 --> 00:23:29,067 getting up at 5 in the morning, making a cup of tea, 467 00:23:29,116 --> 00:23:32,028 looking out of the window, chatting away. 468 00:23:32,077 --> 00:23:34,033 No, it'd all be done for her. 469 00:23:34,079 --> 00:23:37,617 Yes, she'd have the whole day free for playing snooker. 470 00:23:38,083 --> 00:23:39,664 She wouldn't go through all the drudgery 471 00:23:39,668 --> 00:23:41,704 of playing snooker, day in, day out. 472 00:23:41,754 --> 00:23:43,460 It'd all be done for her. 473 00:23:43,505 --> 00:23:45,211 She wouldn't even have to lift the cue. 474 00:23:45,257 --> 00:23:47,339 She probably doesn't know where the billiard room is. 475 00:23:47,384 --> 00:23:50,171 No, still, it's not as bad as the old days. 476 00:23:50,220 --> 00:23:53,212 Mrs. Stanley Baldwin used to have to get up 477 00:23:53,265 --> 00:23:54,801 at 5:00 in the morning, 478 00:23:54,850 --> 00:23:57,341 and go out and catch partridges with her bare hands. 479 00:23:57,353 --> 00:23:59,514 Yes, and Mrs. William Pitt the Elder 480 00:23:59,563 --> 00:24:02,100 used to have to get up at 3:00 and go burrowing for truffles 481 00:24:02,149 --> 00:24:03,685 with the bridge of her nose. 482 00:24:03,692 --> 00:24:06,308 Mrs. Beethoven used to have to get up 483 00:24:06,362 --> 00:24:09,069 at midnight to spur on the myna bird. 484 00:24:09,114 --> 00:24:11,355 Lazy creatures, myna birds. 485 00:24:11,408 --> 00:24:16,994 Yes. When Beethoven went deaf, the myna bird just used to mime. 486 00:24:17,039 --> 00:24:18,654 Oh, what's happening? 487 00:24:18,707 --> 00:24:21,369 It's all right. It's only a flashback. 488 00:24:29,593 --> 00:24:33,211 You don't fool me, you stupid myna bird. I'm not deaf yet. 489 00:24:33,222 --> 00:24:34,302 Just you wait. 490 00:24:34,348 --> 00:24:35,679 [LAUGHING] 491 00:24:37,226 --> 00:24:39,308 - Oh, bugger. - Shut up. 492 00:24:39,353 --> 00:24:42,516 - Right in the wing. - Shut your beak. 493 00:24:42,564 --> 00:24:45,681 Gott in Himmel, I never get any peace here. 494 00:24:45,734 --> 00:24:48,476 [PLAYS PIANO] 495 00:24:51,407 --> 00:24:54,114 - Ludwig. - What? 496 00:24:54,159 --> 00:24:55,740 Have you seen the sugar bowl? 497 00:24:55,786 --> 00:24:57,822 No, I haven't seen the bloody sugar bowl. 498 00:24:58,038 --> 00:25:00,654 - You know, the sugar bowl. - Sod the sugar bowl. 499 00:25:00,708 --> 00:25:02,619 I'm trying to finish this stinking tune. 500 00:25:02,668 --> 00:25:03,953 [SOBS] 501 00:25:04,003 --> 00:25:07,587 It's driving me spare. So shut up. 502 00:25:07,589 --> 00:25:10,376 [CONTINUES PLAYING PIANO] 503 00:25:14,221 --> 00:25:17,554 No, no, no, no. 504 00:25:17,599 --> 00:25:20,261 Ludwig, have you seen the jam spoon? 505 00:25:20,310 --> 00:25:22,016 Stuff the jam spoon. 506 00:25:22,062 --> 00:25:23,768 It was in the sugar bowl. 507 00:25:23,981 --> 00:25:27,018 Look, get out you old rat-bag. Buzz off and shut up. 508 00:25:27,067 --> 00:25:29,274 I don't know what you see in that piano. 509 00:25:29,319 --> 00:25:31,059 Leave me alone. 510 00:25:31,113 --> 00:25:34,480 [CONTINUES PLAYING PIANO] 511 00:25:34,533 --> 00:25:36,114 Ha, ha, ha. 512 00:25:36,160 --> 00:25:38,401 I've done it, I've done it. 513 00:25:40,456 --> 00:25:43,493 Do you want peanut butter or sandwich spread for your tea? 514 00:25:43,542 --> 00:25:45,749 - What? - Peanut butter. 515 00:25:45,794 --> 00:25:48,285 I've forgotten it. I had it. I had it. 516 00:25:48,338 --> 00:25:51,250 Do you want peanut butter or sandwich spread? 517 00:25:51,300 --> 00:25:53,006 I don't care. 518 00:25:53,052 --> 00:25:55,043 Oh. I don't know. 519 00:25:55,095 --> 00:25:58,007 [PLAYS PIANO] 520 00:25:58,057 --> 00:26:02,175 I had it. I had it, you old bag. 521 00:26:04,313 --> 00:26:06,429 Mein lieber Gott. 522 00:26:06,482 --> 00:26:07,517 What are you doing? 523 00:26:07,566 --> 00:26:09,397 [CLATTERING, HAMMERING] 524 00:26:09,443 --> 00:26:11,354 What's that? What is--? 525 00:26:11,403 --> 00:26:13,564 It's the plumber. 526 00:26:13,614 --> 00:26:15,354 [CLATTER CONTINUES] 527 00:26:15,407 --> 00:26:18,274 Gott in Himmel, I'm going out. 528 00:26:18,327 --> 00:26:21,160 Well, if you're going out don't forget we've the Mendelssohns 529 00:26:21,413 --> 00:26:24,746 coming for tea so don't forget to order some pikelets. 530 00:26:24,792 --> 00:26:26,373 Pikelets, pikelets. 531 00:26:26,418 --> 00:26:28,500 Shakespeare never had this trouble. 532 00:26:28,545 --> 00:26:30,661 You wanna bet? 533 00:26:30,672 --> 00:26:32,333 Incidentally, it's: 534 00:26:32,341 --> 00:26:33,672 Da-da-da-dum. 535 00:26:33,717 --> 00:26:36,174 [LOWER] Da-da-da- dum. 536 00:26:36,178 --> 00:26:38,260 You're right. Oh, incidentally, 537 00:26:38,305 --> 00:26:40,091 why not call him Hamlet? 538 00:26:40,140 --> 00:26:43,678 Hamlet I like. Much better than David. 539 00:26:43,685 --> 00:26:47,348 Michelangelo, you can use David. Iwon't sue. 540 00:26:47,397 --> 00:26:50,139 Thanks, but I've had a better idea. 541 00:26:52,611 --> 00:26:54,192 [WOMAN SHOUTING] Michelangelo. 542 00:26:54,196 --> 00:26:55,527 Oh, yes, dear. 543 00:26:55,531 --> 00:26:57,396 [WOMAN] I've had another son. 544 00:26:57,449 --> 00:26:59,110 Oh, my life. 545 00:26:59,159 --> 00:27:01,150 Composer? 546 00:27:01,203 --> 00:27:04,695 I wouldn't wish it on my son. He's a sensitive boy already. 547 00:27:04,706 --> 00:27:08,198 I'd rather he was a sewage attendant or a rat catcher. 548 00:27:13,966 --> 00:27:16,548 [CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING] 549 00:27:18,637 --> 00:27:22,425 Aha. Rats at 42A Kartoffelnstrasse. 550 00:27:22,474 --> 00:27:25,181 [SHOUTING] Hey, Mitzi. I gotta go to Potato Street. 551 00:27:25,227 --> 00:27:27,593 [MITZI] Put your galoshes on. 552 00:27:30,482 --> 00:27:34,225 [ANNOUNCER] Depressed by rats? Do mice get you down? 553 00:27:34,236 --> 00:27:35,772 Then why not visit 554 00:27:35,988 --> 00:27:39,572 Colin Mozart's Rodent Exterminating Boutique? 555 00:27:39,575 --> 00:27:42,567 Rats extirpated, mice punished. 556 00:27:42,578 --> 00:27:47,038 Voles torn apart by Colin Mozart. 557 00:27:47,082 --> 00:27:51,200 Munich ’s leading furry animal liquidator. 558 00:27:59,720 --> 00:28:01,961 [DOORBELL RINGS] 559 00:28:04,308 --> 00:28:06,173 - Yes? - Colin Mozart. 560 00:28:06,226 --> 00:28:08,091 Oh, thank goodness you've come. 561 00:28:08,145 --> 00:28:10,602 We're having a terrible time with them bleeding rats. 562 00:28:10,606 --> 00:28:13,348 I think they live in his stupid piano already. 563 00:28:13,400 --> 00:28:15,436 [BEETHOVEN] Get out the bloody piano, 564 00:28:15,444 --> 00:28:18,356 you stupid furry bucktoothed gits. 565 00:28:18,405 --> 00:28:19,611 Get out. 566 00:28:19,615 --> 00:28:22,322 [PLAYING PIANO] 567 00:28:24,411 --> 00:28:26,402 Gott in Himmel. 568 00:28:26,455 --> 00:28:30,118 Get your stinking tail out of my face. 569 00:28:30,125 --> 00:28:32,958 [CONTINUES PLAYING PIANO] 570 00:28:36,465 --> 00:28:38,330 [SCREAMS] 571 00:28:41,762 --> 00:28:45,550 So anyway, Beethoven was rather glad when he went deaf. 572 00:28:45,599 --> 00:28:47,590 J‘ So let's celebrate J‘ 573 00:28:47,643 --> 00:28:49,383 J‘ I’m feeling great I 574 00:28:49,436 --> 00:28:52,678 J‘ I’m the guy that found The lost chord J‘ 575 00:28:55,108 --> 00:28:57,224 Well, I was ever so glad they abolished hanging, 576 00:28:57,277 --> 00:28:59,734 because that black cap just didn't suit me. 577 00:28:59,780 --> 00:29:02,112 Yes. Do you remember the Glasgow treason trial? 578 00:29:02,157 --> 00:29:04,318 Oh, yes, I wore a body stocking all through it. 579 00:29:04,368 --> 00:29:06,154 NO, hen, with the party afterwards. 580 00:29:06,161 --> 00:29:07,651 That's right. You were walking outwith 581 00:29:07,704 --> 00:29:09,535 that very butch clerk of the court. 582 00:29:09,581 --> 00:29:11,742 That's right. He made me want to turn queen's evidence. 583 00:29:11,959 --> 00:29:15,417 Oh, me too. One summing up and I'm anybody's. 584 00:29:15,462 --> 00:29:17,418 Oh, anyway, bailie Anderson. 585 00:29:17,464 --> 00:29:19,170 - Oh, her? - Yes. She's so strict. 586 00:29:19,216 --> 00:29:20,956 She was on at me for giving dolly sentences, 587 00:29:21,009 --> 00:29:22,624 especially that arson case. 588 00:29:22,678 --> 00:29:24,043 What was the verdict? 589 00:29:24,096 --> 00:29:25,961 They preferred the brown wig. 590 00:29:26,014 --> 00:29:27,675 I love the Scottish assizes. 591 00:29:27,724 --> 00:29:30,056 I know what they mean by a really well-hung jury. 592 00:29:30,102 --> 00:29:32,434 Oh. Get back in the witness box, you're too sharp to live. 593 00:29:32,479 --> 00:29:34,435 - I'll smack your little botty. - Oh. And again. 594 00:29:34,481 --> 00:29:37,473 Uh, have you tried that new body rub J.P.s use? 595 00:29:37,526 --> 00:29:40,108 I had a magistrate in Bradford yesterday. 596 00:29:40,153 --> 00:29:43,316 Funnily enough I felt like one in a lunchtime recess today. 597 00:29:43,573 --> 00:29:47,191 But the ones I really like are those announcers on the BBC, 598 00:29:47,244 --> 00:29:48,484 after the programs are over. 599 00:29:48,537 --> 00:29:50,368 Course they're as bent as safety pins. 600 00:29:50,414 --> 00:29:53,076 I know, but they've got beautiful speaking voices. 601 00:29:53,125 --> 00:29:55,491 [IMITATING ANNOUNCER] "And now a choice Of viewing on BBC Television." 602 00:29:55,544 --> 00:29:58,536 [IMITATING ANNOUNCER] "Here are tonight's football results."