[J‘J‘]
Mm.
And now for something completely different.
It's...
[J‘J‘]
[ANNOUNCER] Monty Python '3 Flying Circus.
[ANNOUNCER] How to recognize different parts of the body.
Number one, the foot.
Number two...
the shoulder.
And number three...
the other foot.
Number four...
the bridge of the nose.
Number ﬁve...
the naughty bits.
Number six...
just above the elbow.
Number seven...
two inches to the right of a very naughty bit indeed.
Number eight, the kneecap.
["WALTZING MATHILDA" ON RECORD PLAYER]
J‘ Once a jolly swagman Camped by a billabong J‘
J‘ Under the shade... J‘
- Good day, Bruce. - Oh, hello, Bruce.
- How are you, Bruce? - A bit crook, Bruce.
Blimey. It's hot in here, Bruce.
It's hot enough to boil a monkey's bum.
That's a strange-- That's a strange expression, Bruce.
Well, Bruce, I heard the prime minister use it.
"Hot enough to boil a monkey's bum in here,
Your Majesty,“ he said.
And she smiled quietly to herself.
She's a good sheila, Bruce. And not at all stuck-up.
Ah. Here comes the boss fellow now.
- Ah, good day, Bruce. - Hey, Bruce.
Hello, Bruce. How are you, Bruce?
Gentlemen, I'd like to introduce a chap from Pommyland
who'll be joining us this year
here in the Philosophy Department
of the University of Woolamaloo.
Uh, Michael Baldwin, this is Bruce.
Is your name not Bruce, then?
Uh, no, it's Michael.
That's going to cause a little confusion.
Yeah. Mind if we call you Bruce, just to keep it clear?
Well, gentlemen, I think we better start the meeting.
Before we start, though,
I'll ask the Padre for a prayer.
Oh, Lord, we beseech thee, have mercy on our faculty, amen.
- Amen. - Amen.
Crack the tubes, right.
Ah, Bruce, I now call upon you
to welcome Mr. Baldwin to the Philosophy Department.
I'd like to welcome the pommy bastard
to God's own earth. And I'd like to remind him
that we don't like stuck-up stickybeaks here.
[ALL] Hear, hear! Well spoken, Bruce!
Now, Bruce teaches classical philosophy,
Bruce teaches Hegelian philosophy.
Bruce here teaches logical positivism
and is also in charge of the sheep dip.
What does, um-- What does new Bruce teach?
Our new Bruce will teach political science,
Machiavelli, Bentham, Locke, Hobbes, Sutcliffe,
Bradman, Lindwall, Miller, Hassett and Benaud.
- Those are cricketers, Bruce. - Oh, spit.
Howls. Howls of derisive laughter, Bruce.
Ha-ha! In addition, as he's gonna be teaching politics,
I told him that he's welcome to teach
any of the great socialist thinkers,
provided he makes it clear that they were wrong.
[ALL] Australia, Australia, Australia, Australia.
We love you. Amen.
Any questions?
New Bruce, are you a poofter?
- Are you a poofter? - No.
No, right. Well, gentlemen, I'll just remind you
of the faculty rules.
Rule one, no poofters.
Uh, rule two, no member of the faculty
is to maltreat the Abos in any way whatsoever
if there's anyone watching.
Rule three, no poofters.
Uh, rule four, I don't wanna catch anyone not drinking
in their room after lights out.
Rule five, no poofters.
Rule six, there is no rule six.
Rule seven, no poofters.
That concludes the reading of the rules. Bruce.
This here is the wattle, the emblem of our land.
You can stick it in a bottle, you can hold it in your hand.
- Amen. - [ALL] Amen!
Gentlemen, it's 6:00. I want every man-Bruce of you
in the Sydney Harbor Bridge room
to take a glass of sherry with the flying philosopher, Bruce.
And | now call upon you, padre,
to close the meeting with a prayer.
Oh Lord, we beseech thee,
et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, amen.
- [ALL] Amen! - Right, let's get some sheilas.
- Okay. - Ah! Elevenses.
Ah! This should tide us--
This should tide us over till lunchtime.
Reckon so, Bruce.
Sidney Nolan. What's that?
[ANNOU NCER] Number nine, the ear.
Number 10, the big toe.
Number 11...
more naughty bits.
And number 12...
the naughty bits of a lady.
And number 13, the naughty bits of a horse.
the naughty bits of an ant.
Number 15, the naughty bits of Reginald Maud/ing.
Number 16, the hand.
Good evening. I have with me in the studio tonight
Mr. Norman-- Mr. Norman St. John Polevaulter,
who, for the past few years, has been contradicting people.
Mr. Polevaulter, why do you contradict people?
-ldont - You told me you did.
| most certainly did not.
Oh, I see.
I'll start again.
- No, you won't. - Shh.
Mr. Polevaulter, I understand you don't contradict people.
- Yes, I do. - When didn't you start
contradicting people?
Well, I did, in 1952.
- 1952? - 1947.
- Twenty-three years ago? - No.
And so on and so on and so on.
And now...
number 17...
the top of the head.
Number 18... the feather.
Rare.
Number 19...
the nose.
[J‘J']
[KNOCKING AT DOOR]
[MAN] Come in.
Ah, Mr. Luxury Yacht. Do sit down, please.
Uh, no, no. My name is spelt Luxury Yacht,
but it's pronounced Throatwobbler Mangrove.
Ah, well, do sit down then, Mr. Throatwobbler Mangrove.
Thank you.
Now, what seems to be the trouble?
Um...
I'd like you to perform some plastic surgery on me.
| see. And which particular feature of your anatomy
is causing you distress?
Well-- Well, for a long time now--
In fact, even when l was a child
- -uh, I, you know, ever-- whenever I left home... - Mm-hm.
- uh, to catch a bus or—- Or to catch a train-- - Fine.
Uh, and even my tennis has suffered, actually.
_ Uh-- - Yes. To be absolutely blunt
you're worried about your enormous hooter.
- No. - No?
- Yes. - Yes.
Yes.
You want me to hack a bit off.
- Please. - Fine.
It is a startler, isn't it?
Uh, do you mind if I, uh...?
What?
Oh, no, nothing then. I'll just examine your nose.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Mr. Luxury Yacht, this, um...
This nose of yours is false.
It's made of polystyrene.
And your own hooter's a beaut.
No pruning necessary.
I'd still like the Operation.
Well, you've had the operation, you strange person.
Please do an operation.
Well, all right. All right.
But only if you'll come on a camping holiday with me.
He asked me, he asked me!
[J‘J']
Next week, we'll be showing you
how to pick up an architect, how to pull a prime minister,
and how to have fun with a wholesale poulterer.
Now the men of the Derbyshire Light Infantry entertain us
with a precision display of bad temper.
[MAN] Attention!
My goodness, me.
I am in a bad temper today, all right, two, three.
Damn, damn, two, three.
I am vexed and ratty, two, three.
And next, the men of the Second Armored Division
regale us with their famous close-order swanning about.
Squad!
Camp it...up.
[ALL] Ooh, get her. Whoops.
I've got your number, ducky.
Couldn't afford me, dear, two, three.
l'll scratch your eyes out.
Don't come the brigadier bit with us, dear.
We all know where you've been, you military fairy.
Whoops, don't look now, girls.
The major's just minced in with that dolly color sergeant.
- [SOLDIER] Two, three. - [ALL] Oooh.
And finally...
[TCHAIKOVSKY'S "NUTCRACKER SUITE" PLAYING]
God, if they don't stop, I'll kill myself.
I swear I will.
All right. That's it.
[GUNSHOT]
[ANNOUNCER] For three days and nights,
the displaced eyeball plummeted earthward.
Until ﬁnally...
[VEHICLE APPROACHING]
Oh.
[VEHICLE APPROACHING]
[MAN] Keep low, keep down. Don't lag behind. Come on, everybody.
Right. Keep close. That's right.
Watch out for the killer cars. [MOTOR ROARS]
[ANNOU NCER] Yes, the killer cars.
For years, the city had been plagued
by ever-increasing pedestrian congestion.
In an attempt to eliminate this problem,
certain fanatical cars
had taken the law into their own hands.
[MOTORS ROARING]
But the days of the killer cars were numbered,
thanks to the miracle of atomic mutation.
[RUMBLING]
[MOTORS ROARING]
[TIRES SQUEALING]
[MAN] Oh, thank you. You've saved our city.
[ANNOUNCER] But at what cost?
[GOBBLING]
[CATERWAU LS]
[MAN] Oh, thank you. Thank you.
[CROWD CHEERING] You've saved our city.
Except for those who chose to leave town.
[TRAIN WHISTLE]
This, then, is the story of two of them.
[WHISTLING]
Morning, sir. Can I help you?
Uh, yes. We've-- We've booked on your flight for America.
Oh, we don't fly to America.
Oh, the American flight.
Ah, on the plane. Oh, yes. Oh, we do that, all right.
[LAUGHS]
Safe as houses, no need for panic.
Is it really 37 and 6?
Thirty bob. I'm robbing meself.
- Thirty bob? - Twenty-five.
Uh, two quid, the pair of you. Uh, that's without insurance.
- How much is it with insurance? - Hundred and two quid.
That's including the flight.
How long will it take?
Uh, let me put it this way. No idea.
- Six hours. - Six?
Five. Ten for the pair of you.
- Oh, is it a jet? - Uh, well, no.
It's not so much a jet. It's more your...
Triumph Herald engine with wings.
When are you taking off?
- 3300 hours. - [MAN] What?
- 2600 hours for the pair. - [WOMAN] What?
After the injections, you won't care.
- What injections? - Barley sugar. Calm you down.
They're compulsory. Board of trade. Promise.
I don't like the sound of injections.
Ring, ring. Hello. Yes. Right.
You've got to make your mind up straightaway
if you're coming or not.
- [BOTH] Yes. - Right. You can't change your mind.
I'll ring the departure lounge.
Hello? Two more on their way, Mrs. Turpin.
[WOMAN] Ah.
Now, uh, the duty-free trolley is over there.
There's some lovely drop scones
and some duty-free broccoli,
and there's fresh Eccles cakes.
The Verrifast Plaine Company
announce the departure of flight one
to over the hills and far away.
Will passengers for flight one
please assemble at gate one?
Passengers are advised
that there is still plenty of time to buy Eccles cakes.
Nearly ready.
All passengers please get ready
for their barley sugar injections, Okay?
Oh. Today, we all take vow.
Today, we smash the enemy fleet.
We smash, smash.
[INDISTINCT SCREAMING]
[MEN LAUGHING]
Uh, now, that's Mr. Kamikaze, the pilot.
He's very nice, really,
but make sure he stays clear of battleships.
[ANNOUNCER] There have been many stirring tales told of the sea,
and also some fairly uninteresting ones
only marginally connected with it.
Uh, like this one.
Sorry, this isn't a very good announcement. Sorry.
And here is the result
of the "Where to Put Edward Heath's Statue" competition.
The winner was a Mr. Ivy North,
who wins 10 guineas and a visit to the sailors' quarters.
[ALL GRUNTING, YELPING]
That was last year's reenactment of the battle of Pearl Harbor
performed by the Batley Townswomen's Guild.
It was written, directed and produced
by Mrs. Rita Fairbanks.
Hello again.
[INTERVIEWER] And what are your ladies gonna do for us this year?
Well, this year, we decided to reenact something
with a more modern flavor.
We had considered a version
of Michael Stewart's speech on Nigeria,
and there were several votes on the committee
for a staging of Herr Willy Brandt's
visit to East Germany.
But we've settled, instead,
for a dramatization of the first heart transplant.
Incidentally, my sister, Madge, will be playing
the plucky little springbok pioneer,
Dr. Christian Barnard.
[INTERVIEWER] Off we go then, with the Batley Townswomen's Guild reenactment
of the first heart transplant.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
[ALL GRUNTING, YELPING]
The first heart transplant.
But this is not the only open-air production here
that has used the sea.
Theatrical managers in this area
have not been as slow to appreciate
the sea's tremendous dramatic value.
And somewhere, out in this bay,
is the first undenNater production
of Measure for Measure.
[MUFFLED SHAKESPEARIAN DIALOGUE]
[INHALING NOISILY]
[MUFFLED SHAKESPEARIAN DIALOGUE CONTINUES]
[INHALING NOISILY]
[INDISTINCT DIALOGUE]
[YELLS INDISTINCTLY]
Right.
The underwater version of Measure for Measure.
And further out to sea, Hello, Dolly!
is also doing good business.
[MEN GURGLING] J‘ Hello, Dolly J‘
And over there on the oyster beds,
Formula Two car racing.
[MOTORS ROARING]
[TIRES SQUEALING]
[ANNOU NCER] Number 20...the armpits.
Number 21...
the bottom two-thirds of the nape of the neck.
Number 22...
the nipple.
[MAN OVER RADIO] And that concludes this week's episode
of How to Recognize Different Parts of the Body,
adapted for radio by Ann Haydon-Jones
and her husband, Pip.
And now we present the ﬁrst episode
of a new radio drama series:
The Death Of Mary, Queen of Scots.
Part One: The Beginning.
[MUSIC PLAYING OVER RADIO]
[MAN] You are Mary, Queen of Scots?
[WOMAN] lam.
- [THUMPING] — [WOMAN] Ow! Ow!
[WOMAN SCREAMING OVER RADIO]
[THUMPING, OBJECTS CRASH/NG]
[WOMAN CONTINUES SCREAMING]
Oh! No!
[SCREAMS]
[MUSIC PLAYING OVER RADIO]
[THUMPING, SCREAMING STOPS]
Episode two of The Death of Mary, Queen of Scots
can be heard on Radio 4 almost immediately.
[MUSIC PLAYING OVER RADIO]
[SA WIN G]
[THUMPING, WOMAN SCREAMING]
[ THUMPIN G, SCREAMING STOPS]
[MAN] I think she’s dead.
[WOMAN] No, I’m not.
[GUNSHOT, THUMPING, SCREAMING RESUMES]
[MUSIC PLAYING OVER RADIO]
[ANNOU NCER] That was episode two
of The Death of Mary, Queen of Scots,
adapted for the radio
by Bernard Hollowood and Brian London.
And now Radio 4 will explode.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[EXPLOSION]
Oh.
We'll have to watch the telly then.
Yes.
Well...what's on the television then?
Looks like a penguin.
NO, no, no, no.
I didn't mean what's on the television set.
I meant what program.
- Ohh. - Oh.
[HUMMING]
J‘ Young and handsome J‘
[BOTH] J‘ Girl from lpanema Goes walking I
- What's it doing there? - Standing.
I can see that.
If it lays an egg...
it will fall down the back of the television set.
- We'll have to watch that. - Mmm.
Unless it's a male.
Ooh, I never thought of that.
Yes.
Looks fairly butch.
Perhaps it comes from next door.
Penguins don't come from next door,
they come from the Antarctic.
Burma!
- Why'd you say "Burma"? - l panicked.
Oh.
Perhaps it's from the zoo.
Which zoo?
How should I know which 200? I'm not Dr. Bloody Bernowski.
How does Dr. Bernowski know which 200 it came from?
He knows everything.
Oh, I wouldn't like that.
It'd take the mystery out of life.
Anyway, if it came from the zoo,
it'd have "Property of the Zoo" stamped on it.
No, it wouldn't.
They don't stamp animals "Property of the Zoo."
You couldn't stamp a huge lion.
What happens when they molt?
Lions don't molt.
No, but penguins do.
There, I've run rings around you, logically.
Oh. Intercourse the penguin.
It's, uh, just gone 8:00 and time for the penguin
on top of your television set to explode.
How did he know that was going to happen?
It was an inspired guess. And now...
Number 23...the shin.
Number 24...
Reginald Maud/ing's shin.
Number 25...the brain.
Margaret Thatcher's brain.
And number 27...
more naughty bits.
Number 28...
the naughty bits of the cabinet.
the interior of a country house.
That's not a part of the body.
NO, it's a link, though. I didn't think it was very good.
No, it's the end of the series. They must be out of ideas.
All right, don't anybody move.
There's been a murder.
A murder?
NO, no. Not murder. No.
Uh, what's like a murder but begins with B?
Birmingham?
- NO, no, no, no, no. - [MAN 1] Burnley?
Burnley, that's right. Burnley in Lancashire.
There's been a Burnley.
Burglary.
Yes. Good man.
Burglary. That's it, of course.
- There's been a burglary. - Where?
In the back, just below the rib.
No, that's murder.
Oh, no. In the--
Eh, in the band.
In the bat. Barclays bat.
- Barclays Bank? - Yes. Nasty business.
Got away with 23,000 pounds.
Any clues?
Any what?
[MAN 2] Well, any evidence as to who did it?
Any clues, eh?
Ooh, we don't half talk posh, do we? Ha-ha!
I suppose you say "ehnvelope" and "larngerie,"
and "sarndwiches on the settee."
This is a murder investigation, young man,
and murder is a very serious business.
[MAN 1] I thought you said it was a burglary.
Burglary is almost as serious a business as murder.
Some burglaries are more serious.
A burglary in which someone gets stabbed is murder.
So don't come to these petty distinctions with me.
You're as bad as a judge.
Right. Now...
the first thing to do in the event of a breach
of a peace of any kind is to go and...
Sorry, sorry. I was miles away.
- Ah, ring the police? - Ring the police.
Get them over here fast.
No, get them over here slowly
so they don't drop anything.
Shall I make us all a cup of tea?
Make what you like, Boskovitch.
It won't help you in court. Hm-hm.
I beg your pardon?
I'm sorry. Sorry.
I'm on top of being on two cases at once.
I keep thinking I've got Boskovitch cornered,
whereas in fact, I'm investigating a Burnley.
- Burglary? - Yes, good man.
[SIREN WAILING]
Um...w-whO's--? Who's Boskovitch?
Ha!
Boskovitch is a Russian scientist
who's passing information to the Russians.
Classified information?
Oh, there he goes again.
"Classified information."
Oh, sitting on the settee with our scones
and our classified information.
Hello.
Oh, hello, Duckie.
Hello, sir. How are you?
I'm fine, thanks. How are you?
Well, sir, I'm a little bit moody today, sir.
- Why's that, Duckie? - [MUSIC PLAYS]
Because...
J‘ I’m a little bit sad And lonely J‘
J‘ Now, my baby's gone away J‘
J‘ I’m feeling kind of blue I don 't know just what to do J‘
J‘ I feel a little sad today I
[ALL] J‘ He's a little bit sad And lonely J‘
J‘ Now, his baby's gone away J‘
J‘ He's feeling kind of blue He don’t know just what to do J‘
J‘ He ain’t feeling so good Today J‘
- I When I smile J‘ - J‘ Ahhhh J‘
- J‘ The sun comes flooding in J‘ - J‘ No, no, no, no, no, no, no J‘
- I When I’m sad J‘ - J‘ Ahhh J‘
J‘ It goes behind the clouds Again I
J‘ I’m a little bit sad And lonely J‘
J‘ When my baby’s Gone away J‘
J‘ I’m feeling kind of-- J‘
[ALL] Et cetera, et cetera.
[INSPECTOR] A lovely song, Duckie.
[APPLAUSE]
And that's the final entry:
[SPEAKS FRENCH]
And now, Guten Abend.
Die scores. Das scores.
Les scores. Die scores. Del scores.
Oh, scores. Ha! Scores.
Yes, Monaco is the winner.
[ASIAN ACCENT] Ha! Monaco is a linner.
[JAMAICAN ACCENT] Oh, yes, man. Monaco's won the big prize, bwana.
[NORMAL VOICE] And now here is Chief Inspector Jean-Paul Zatapathique
with the winning song once again.
[ANNOUNCER] And so Inspector Zatapathique,
the forensic expert from the Monaco Murder Squad,
sings hiS song, "Bing Tiddle Tiddle Bong. "
[CHOIR HUMMING]
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
[SINGING IN FRENCH]
[ALL] J‘ Bing tiddle tiddle bang J‘
[CHOIR] J‘ Bong tiddle ﬁddle bang J‘
J‘ Bong tiddle tiddle tiddle Tiddle tiddle J‘
J‘ Bong tiddle tiddle bong J‘
J‘ Bong tiddle tiddle bing J‘
J‘ Bing tiddle tiddle Bang tiddle tiddle J‘
J‘ Bong tiddle tiddle tiddle Bang bong bing J‘
J‘ Bang bong tiddle tiddle tiddle Bang bong bing J‘
J‘ Tiddle tidd/e bang J‘
J‘ Bong tiddle tiddle tiddle Tiddle, tiddle J‘
- J‘ Bing bang bong J‘ - J‘ Tiddle tiddle J‘
J‘ Tiddle tiddle Bing bang bong J‘
J‘ Tiddle tiddle Bong tiddle tiddle bing J‘
[PANTING]
[ANNOUNCER] Number 31...the end.