1
00:00:40,541 --> 00:00:43,157
[SEAGULLS CAWING]

2
00:01:23,375 --> 00:01:28,210
[SEAGULL CAWING FADES]

3
00:01:28,255 --> 00:01:32,294
[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

4
00:01:43,687 --> 00:01:45,473
[CLEARS THROAT]

5
00:01:52,070 --> 00:01:53,355
[CLEARS THROAT]

6
00:01:55,365 --> 00:01:59,404
[SLOWLY HUMMING
"LA MARSEILLAISE"]

7
00:02:00,579 --> 00:02:03,070
[SPEAKING FRENCH]

8
00:02:06,793 --> 00:02:08,454
Ah.

9
00:02:08,503 --> 00:02:10,209
[CHUCKLING]

10
00:02:10,213 --> 00:02:12,374
[LAUGHING]

11
00:02:12,424 --> 00:02:14,289
[BOTH LAUGHING]

12
00:02:33,278 --> 00:02:35,610
Ah.

13
00:02:35,656 --> 00:02:37,237
[G ROANS]

14
00:02:44,373 --> 00:02:46,079
Ah. Ha-ha.

15
00:02:49,044 --> 00:02:51,581
Brian Distel and
Brianette Zatapathique there

16
00:02:53,256 --> 00:02:54,792
from Jean Kenneth Longueur's
new movie,

17
00:02:54,841 --> 00:02:57,127
Le Fromage Grand.

18
00:02:57,177 --> 00:02:58,838
Brian and Brianette
symbolize

19
00:02:59,054 --> 00:03:00,635
the breakdown
in communications

20
00:03:00,681 --> 00:03:03,343
in our modern society
in this exciting new film.

21
00:03:03,392 --> 00:03:05,599
And Longueur is saying to us,
his audience:

22
00:03:05,602 --> 00:03:08,218
"Go on, protest.
Do something about it.

23
00:03:08,271 --> 00:03:10,353
Assault the manager.
Demand your money back."

24
00:03:10,399 --> 00:03:11,639
Later on in the film,

25
00:03:11,692 --> 00:03:13,603
in a brilliantly conceived
montage,

26
00:03:13,652 --> 00:03:16,018
Longueur mercilessly
exposes

27
00:03:16,071 --> 00:03:18,278
the violence
underlying our society,

28
00:03:18,281 --> 00:03:19,771
when Brian and Brianette
again meet

29
00:03:19,991 --> 00:03:21,697
on yet another rubbish dump.

30
00:03:21,743 --> 00:03:24,735
[SEAGULLS CAWING]

31
00:03:28,709 --> 00:03:32,702
[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

32
00:03:56,278 --> 00:03:57,563
Ah.

33
00:04:29,728 --> 00:04:31,309
[CHUCKLES]

34
00:04:36,026 --> 00:04:38,358
[BOTH LAUGH]

35
00:04:39,404 --> 00:04:41,065
[LAUGHS]

36
00:04:44,493 --> 00:04:46,154
[LAUGHS]

37
00:04:47,329 --> 00:04:48,739
[LAUGHS]

38
00:05:21,530 --> 00:05:23,361
[TICKING]

39
00:05:29,246 --> 00:05:30,782
[ENGINE REVVING]

40
00:05:54,396 --> 00:05:56,557
Pretty strong meat there
from Longueur,

41
00:05:56,606 --> 00:05:59,222
who is saying, of course,
that ultimately, materialism--

42
00:05:59,276 --> 00:06:00,982
in this case,
the Webb's Wonder lettuce

43
00:06:01,027 --> 00:06:02,688
--must destroy us all.

44
00:06:02,737 --> 00:06:04,773
That was for 0. Simon,
K. Simon,

45
00:06:04,948 --> 00:06:07,655
P. Simon
and R. Sparrow of Leicester.

46
00:06:07,701 --> 00:06:09,282
Later on, we're
going to take a look

47
00:06:09,286 --> 00:06:10,776
at John Wayne's latest movie,

48
00:06:10,954 --> 00:06:13,661
Buckets of Blood Pouring
Out of People ’3 Heads.

49
00:06:13,707 --> 00:06:15,447
But now, we look ahead.

50
00:06:15,458 --> 00:06:18,370
On Tuesday, Chris Conger
took a BBC film unit

51
00:06:18,420 --> 00:06:20,957
to the location where
20th Century Vole

52
00:06:21,006 --> 00:06:25,340
are shooting their latest
epic, Scott of the Antarctic.

53
00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:27,296
[MAN]
Sea, sand and sunshine

54
00:06:27,304 --> 00:06:30,341
make Paignton the queen
of the English Riviera.

55
00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:33,974
But for the next six months,
this sleepy Devonshire resort

56
00:06:34,019 --> 00:06:36,761
will be transformed
into the blizzard-swept wastes

57
00:06:36,813 --> 00:06:38,474
of the South Pole.

58
00:06:38,481 --> 00:06:40,563
For today, shooting
starts on the epic,

59
00:06:40,609 --> 00:06:43,021
Scott of the Antarctic,

60
00:06:43,069 --> 00:06:45,025
produced by
Gerry Schlick.

61
00:06:45,071 --> 00:06:46,811
Hello.

62
00:06:46,990 --> 00:06:49,481
Gerry, you chose Paignton
as the location for Scott.

63
00:06:49,492 --> 00:06:51,403
Right, right.

64
00:06:51,453 --> 00:06:53,785
Isn't it a bit of a drawback
that there's no snow here?

65
00:06:53,830 --> 00:06:57,448
Well, we have 28,000
cubic feet of Wintrex,

66
00:06:57,500 --> 00:06:59,661
which is a new
white foam rubber,

67
00:06:59,669 --> 00:07:01,159
which actually, on-screen,

68
00:07:01,171 --> 00:07:03,628
looks more like snow than
snow.

69
00:07:03,673 --> 00:07:07,165
And 1600 cubic U.S. furlongs
of white paint

70
00:07:07,177 --> 00:07:09,418
with a special snow finish.

71
00:07:09,471 --> 00:07:12,508
And I believe Kirk Vilb
is playing the title role.

72
00:07:12,515 --> 00:07:13,971
That is correct.

73
00:07:14,017 --> 00:07:15,678
We were very thrilled
and honored

74
00:07:15,727 --> 00:07:19,470
when Kirk agreed to play
the part of Lieutenant Scott.

75
00:07:19,522 --> 00:07:23,640
Because a star of his
magnitude can pick and choose.

76
00:07:23,693 --> 00:07:26,355
But he read the title
and just flipped.

77
00:07:26,363 --> 00:07:30,356
And directing, we have a very
fine young British director,

78
00:07:30,408 --> 00:07:32,194
James McRettin,

79
00:07:32,202 --> 00:07:34,739
who's been collaborating
on the screenplay, of course.

80
00:07:34,788 --> 00:07:37,029
- Jimmy.
- Oh. There you are.

81
00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:38,746
Hello. Hello. No problem.
Have a drink. Have a drink.

82
00:07:38,792 --> 00:07:42,080
Oh. Great. Hello.
Marvelous. Marvelous. Hello.

83
00:07:42,128 --> 00:07:44,039
Rewrite. Oh,
this is really great.

84
00:07:44,089 --> 00:07:46,375
I mean, it's really saying
something, don't you think?

85
00:07:46,424 --> 00:07:47,755
Have you started
shooting yet?

86
00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:50,543
Yes, yes.
Great. Perfect.

87
00:07:50,553 --> 00:07:53,636
No, no, we haven't started
yet. No. But great, great.

88
00:07:53,682 --> 00:07:55,172
What is
the first scene

89
00:07:55,225 --> 00:07:56,590
that you shoot
this morning?

90
00:07:57,644 --> 00:08:00,010
Great. Terrific.

91
00:08:00,063 --> 00:08:02,179
Oh, it's great. Uh, no problem.
We'll sort it out on the floor.

92
00:08:02,232 --> 00:08:03,642
Sort it out on the floor.
No problem.

93
00:08:03,692 --> 00:08:05,478
This film is
basically pro-humanity

94
00:08:05,527 --> 00:08:07,233
and anti-bad things.

95
00:08:07,237 --> 00:08:09,728
And it rips aside
the hypocritical facade

96
00:08:09,948 --> 00:08:11,484
of our society's
gin and tonic,

97
00:08:11,533 --> 00:08:14,275
and leaves a lot of sacred
cows rolling around in agony.

98
00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:16,067
Have a drink,
have a drink.

99
00:08:16,079 --> 00:08:18,070
Uh, but which scene are
we shooting first, Jimmy?

100
00:08:18,081 --> 00:08:20,618
Yes. Great.

101
00:08:20,667 --> 00:08:22,453
Oh, marvelous.

102
00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:24,959
Well, which scene
are we shooting first?

103
00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:27,337
Why, it's scene one.
Scene one.

104
00:08:27,382 --> 00:08:29,623
Scene one. It's
in the middle of the movie.

105
00:08:29,676 --> 00:08:31,257
Well, it is now.
| rewrote it.

106
00:08:31,302 --> 00:08:32,633
Besides, uh,
I thought we cut that.

107
00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:34,089
Didn't we cut--?

108
00:08:34,097 --> 00:08:35,587
- No, we didn't.
- We didn't?

109
00:08:35,640 --> 00:08:37,471
Oh, great, that's even better.
I'll put it back in.

110
00:08:37,517 --> 00:08:40,054
Uh, rewrite.
Scene one's back in, everyone.

111
00:08:40,103 --> 00:08:42,059
Scene one's back in.
Great. Great.

112
00:08:42,105 --> 00:08:43,766
This is the scene
that's outside the tent.

113
00:08:43,982 --> 00:08:46,439
Ah! And it's so bloody
marvelous,

114
00:08:46,484 --> 00:08:48,691
it makes you wanna
throw up.

115
00:08:48,737 --> 00:08:50,602
Now, in this scene,

116
00:08:50,613 --> 00:08:53,355
Lieutenant Scott returns
to camp in the early morning

117
00:08:53,408 --> 00:08:55,114
after walking
the huskies,

118
00:08:55,118 --> 00:08:57,734
to have brunch
with the rest of his team.

119
00:08:57,787 --> 00:09:01,120
Oates, played by your very own
lovely Terence Lemming,

120
00:09:01,124 --> 00:09:02,614
who is an English
cockney officer,

121
00:09:02,625 --> 00:09:04,707
seconded to
the US. Navy,

122
00:09:04,753 --> 00:09:07,711
and Bowers, played by
Seymour Fortescue,

123
00:09:07,756 --> 00:09:09,462
the Olympic
pole-vaulter.

124
00:09:19,642 --> 00:09:20,973
Hi, lieutenant.

125
00:09:21,019 --> 00:09:22,384
Hi, Oatesy.

126
00:09:22,437 --> 00:09:25,304
Sure is a beautiful
day already.

127
00:09:25,315 --> 00:09:26,771
Great. Great.

128
00:09:26,983 --> 00:09:28,393
What? What? What are
you saying?

129
00:09:28,443 --> 00:09:30,479
l was just saying
"Great, great."

130
00:09:30,487 --> 00:09:33,194
Cue Evans.

131
00:09:33,239 --> 00:09:37,482
[GERRY] And this is Vanilla
Hoare as Miss Evans.

132
00:09:37,535 --> 00:09:39,321
- Miss Evans?
- [GERRY] Right.

133
00:09:39,329 --> 00:09:41,615
Good morning,
Miss Evans.

134
00:09:43,374 --> 00:09:46,332
Oh. I've forgotten my line.

135
00:09:46,336 --> 00:09:47,997
- Uh, what's her line?
- [CLAPS]

136
00:09:48,046 --> 00:09:49,377
What's her line?

137
00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:50,787
"Good morning,
Captain Scott."

138
00:09:51,007 --> 00:09:52,338
Oh, yeah.

139
00:09:54,260 --> 00:09:58,128
Good...morning, Capt--

140
00:09:58,181 --> 00:09:59,796
Oh. I'm just not really

141
00:10:00,016 --> 00:10:02,007
very happy
with that line.

142
00:10:02,060 --> 00:10:04,551
Could I just say,
"Hi, Scottie"?

143
00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:07,641
Great. Great.
Rewrite. Cue.

144
00:10:09,025 --> 00:10:11,732
Hi, Scarrie. Oh. Sorry.

145
00:10:11,778 --> 00:10:13,518
Hi, Stocky.

146
00:10:13,571 --> 00:10:16,438
Oh. I'm sorry again.

147
00:10:16,491 --> 00:10:18,027
Oh, Jim,

148
00:10:18,034 --> 00:10:20,366
I'm just unhappy
with this line.

149
00:10:20,370 --> 00:10:24,204
Hey, can I do it
all sort of kooky, like this?

150
00:10:24,249 --> 00:10:26,035
[OVEREXCITED]
Hi, Scottie!

151
00:10:26,042 --> 00:10:28,033
Great. We'll
shoot it.

152
00:10:28,044 --> 00:10:29,079
Are you sure
that's right?

153
00:10:29,129 --> 00:10:30,164
Oh, it's great.

154
00:10:30,213 --> 00:10:31,419
[GERRY]
Jim.

155
00:10:31,464 --> 00:10:33,125
- Jim.
- [CLAPS]

156
00:10:33,174 --> 00:10:35,210
Jim. J-- Oh, me.

157
00:10:35,260 --> 00:10:36,591
Uh, Jim, I feel
we may be

158
00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:38,172
running into
some problems here

159
00:10:38,221 --> 00:10:39,552
in the area
of height.

160
00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:42,346
Great, where are they?

161
00:10:42,392 --> 00:10:44,599
Where are who?

162
00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:46,555
I dunno, I was
getting confused.

163
00:10:46,604 --> 00:10:48,185
- Jim.
- Great.

164
00:10:48,231 --> 00:10:49,846
| feel here
that Scott may be

165
00:10:50,066 --> 00:10:51,602
too tall in the area
of height,

166
00:10:51,651 --> 00:10:54,188
with reference to Vanilla,
who is too near the ground,

167
00:10:54,237 --> 00:10:56,853
in the area of being
too short at this time.

168
00:10:57,073 --> 00:10:58,654
Great.

169
00:10:58,700 --> 00:11:01,237
Oh, I know. I'm gonna
dig a pit for Scott

170
00:11:01,286 --> 00:11:03,197
and put a box
in Vanilla's trench.

171
00:11:03,246 --> 00:11:06,363
Say. Why don't I take
the boxes off,

172
00:11:06,416 --> 00:11:09,203
and Vanilla get up
out of the trench?

173
00:11:09,252 --> 00:11:10,412
Wouldn't work.

174
00:11:12,130 --> 00:11:14,416
It's even better.
Great. Rewrite.

175
00:11:14,424 --> 00:11:16,039
[VANILLA]
What was that?

176
00:11:16,092 --> 00:11:18,083
Oh, it's easy.
I've worked it out.

177
00:11:18,094 --> 00:11:19,709
Uh, Scott takes
his boxes off,

178
00:11:19,762 --> 00:11:22,629
and you don't stand
in the trench.

179
00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:25,424
I say my lines
out of the trench?

180
00:11:25,476 --> 00:11:27,137
Even better. Great.

181
00:11:27,187 --> 00:11:29,599
But I've never acted
out of a trench.

182
00:11:29,606 --> 00:11:31,767
I might fall over.
It's dangerous.

183
00:11:31,774 --> 00:11:34,356
Oh, well,
could you just try it?

184
00:11:34,402 --> 00:11:38,486
Look, you crumb-bum,
I'm a star.

185
00:11:38,531 --> 00:11:40,692
Star, star, star.

186
00:11:40,742 --> 00:11:44,234
I don't get a million dollars
to act out of a trench.

187
00:11:44,287 --> 00:11:47,450
I played Miss John
the Baptist in a trench.

188
00:11:47,457 --> 00:11:50,620
And I played Miss Napoleon
Bonaparte in a trench.

189
00:11:50,627 --> 00:11:53,585
And I played Miss Alexander
Fleming in a furrow.

190
00:11:53,630 --> 00:11:56,121
So if you want this scene
played out of a trench,

191
00:11:56,174 --> 00:11:58,711
well, you just get yourself
a goddamn stuntman.

192
00:11:58,760 --> 00:12:00,125
Heh.

193
00:12:00,136 --> 00:12:02,377
I played Miss Galileo
in a groove.

194
00:12:02,430 --> 00:12:04,637
And I played
Mrs. Jesus Christ

195
00:12:04,682 --> 00:12:06,513
in a geological
syncHne.

196
00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:08,345
So don't tell me
how to act.

197
00:12:08,394 --> 00:12:09,600
I know
how to act.

198
00:12:09,646 --> 00:12:11,182
I know how to act...

199
00:12:11,231 --> 00:12:13,472
Great.
Uh, great, great, everyone.

200
00:12:13,483 --> 00:12:15,724
Uh, lunch now. Lunch.
It's all in the can.

201
00:12:15,777 --> 00:12:17,233
Good morning's work.

202
00:12:17,278 --> 00:12:18,518
[GERRY] But you
haven't done a shot.

203
00:12:18,571 --> 00:12:21,438
I'm just keeping
morale up.

204
00:12:21,491 --> 00:12:23,698
Now this afternoon,
we're gonna shoot the scene

205
00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:25,529
where, uh, Scott
gets off the boat

206
00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:28,570
onto the ice floe,
and he sees the lion.

207
00:12:28,623 --> 00:12:30,454
And he fights it
and he kills it,

208
00:12:30,500 --> 00:12:31,535
And the blood goes...

209
00:12:31,584 --> 00:12:33,449
fsss...

210
00:12:33,503 --> 00:12:35,164
ln slow motion.

211
00:12:37,423 --> 00:12:38,663
What?

212
00:12:38,675 --> 00:12:41,041
There aren't any lions
in the Antarctic.

213
00:12:41,094 --> 00:12:43,506
You're right. There are
no lions in the Antarctic.

214
00:12:43,513 --> 00:12:45,219
That's ridiculous.

215
00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:46,596
Whoever heard of a lion
in the Antarctic?

216
00:12:46,641 --> 00:12:48,347
Right. Lose the lion.

217
00:12:48,393 --> 00:12:50,224
Got to keep the lion.
It's great.

218
00:12:50,270 --> 00:12:51,635
Lose
the lion.

219
00:12:51,688 --> 00:12:53,679
Great. We're losing the lion.
Rewrite.

220
00:12:57,360 --> 00:13:00,352
Say, what's this about,
uh, losing the lion?

221
00:13:00,405 --> 00:13:02,020
Uh, w-well, Kirk,

222
00:13:02,073 --> 00:13:04,064
we-- We thought
perhaps we might, uh,

223
00:13:04,117 --> 00:13:07,359
lose the fight with the lion
a little bit, Kirk angel.

224
00:13:07,370 --> 00:13:09,076
VVhy?!

225
00:13:09,122 --> 00:13:10,703
Uh, well,
Kirkie doll,

226
00:13:10,707 --> 00:13:13,073
there are no lions
in the Antarctic, baby.

227
00:13:13,126 --> 00:13:15,742
| get to fight
the lion!

228
00:13:15,795 --> 00:13:17,331
It'd be silly.

229
00:13:17,380 --> 00:13:20,122
Listen! I gotta
fight the lion.

230
00:13:20,174 --> 00:13:21,710
That's what that guy
Scott's all about.

231
00:13:21,759 --> 00:13:24,466
I know.
I studied him already.

232
00:13:24,512 --> 00:13:26,218
But why couldn't
you fight a penguin?

233
00:13:26,222 --> 00:13:27,553
Great!

234
00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:31,424
Fight a rotten
little penguin?

235
00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:33,388
lt needn't be
a little penguin.

236
00:13:33,396 --> 00:13:36,058
It can be the biggest penguin
you've ever seen.

237
00:13:36,065 --> 00:13:38,602
An electric penguin,
20 feet high,

238
00:13:38,651 --> 00:13:42,064
with long, green tentacles
that sting people.

239
00:13:42,113 --> 00:13:43,819
And you can stab it
in the wings,

240
00:13:44,032 --> 00:13:45,488
and the blood
can go Spurting...

241
00:13:45,533 --> 00:13:48,570
pshh”.
ln slow motion.

242
00:13:48,619 --> 00:13:51,201
The lion is
in the contract.

243
00:13:51,247 --> 00:13:53,033
He fights
the lion.

244
00:13:53,082 --> 00:13:56,290
Even better. Great!
Have a drink.

245
00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:59,294
Hey, lose the penguin.
Stand by to shoot.

246
00:14:00,423 --> 00:14:01,754
Where do they have
lions?

247
00:14:01,758 --> 00:14:03,589
Africa.

248
00:14:03,593 --> 00:14:06,050
That's it. Scott's in Africa.
As many lions as we need.

249
00:14:06,095 --> 00:14:07,756
Great.

250
00:14:07,764 --> 00:14:09,675
Scott's looking for a pole
no one else knows about.

251
00:14:09,724 --> 00:14:11,555
That ties in
with the sand. Right.

252
00:14:11,601 --> 00:14:13,262
Paint the sand
yellow again.

253
00:14:13,269 --> 00:14:15,760
Okay, let's get
this show on the road.

254
00:14:15,772 --> 00:14:18,434
Scott of the Sahara.

255
00:14:18,483 --> 00:14:22,772
[J‘J‘]

256
00:14:32,789 --> 00:14:35,622
[NARRATOR] Booming out
of the pages of history

257
00:14:35,625 --> 00:14:38,992
comes a story of three men
and one woman

258
00:14:39,045 --> 00:14:42,378
whose courage
shocked a generation.

259
00:14:42,423 --> 00:14:45,631
From the same team
that brought you...

260
00:14:45,635 --> 00:14:47,717
[READING]

261
00:14:53,559 --> 00:14:55,550
and...

262
00:14:57,313 --> 00:14:59,804
comes the story of three
people

263
00:15:00,024 --> 00:15:02,106
and a woman united by fate

264
00:15:02,151 --> 00:15:04,016
who set out
in search of the fabled

265
00:15:04,070 --> 00:15:06,356
Pole of the Sahara
and found...

266
00:15:06,406 --> 00:15:08,488
themselves.

267
00:15:08,491 --> 00:15:12,279
See Lieutenant Scott's
death-struggle

268
00:15:12,328 --> 00:15:14,740
with a crazed desert lion.

269
00:15:14,789 --> 00:15:17,656
[LION ROARING]

270
00:16:13,306 --> 00:16:14,466
[SPITS]

271
00:16:14,515 --> 00:16:16,631
[GROWLING]

272
00:16:36,662 --> 00:16:40,530
[NARRATOR] See Ensign Oates'
frank, adult death-struggle

273
00:16:40,583 --> 00:16:44,417
with the spine-chilling,
giant electric penguin.

274
00:16:48,758 --> 00:16:50,123
[METALLIC SQUEAL]

275
00:17:04,607 --> 00:17:07,440
Oh. Ahh!

276
00:17:07,485 --> 00:17:10,693
[SCREAMING, GRUNTING]

277
00:17:35,513 --> 00:17:37,674
[GRUNTING]

278
00:17:43,521 --> 00:17:44,636
Ha!

279
00:17:44,689 --> 00:17:46,520
See Miss Evans pursued

280
00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:48,648
by the man-eating
roll-top writing desk.

281
00:17:48,693 --> 00:17:50,684
[SQUEALING]

282
00:17:57,660 --> 00:17:58,991
[SCREAMS]

283
00:17:59,036 --> 00:18:00,617
[PANTING]

284
00:18:00,663 --> 00:18:02,028
[TEETH CHOMPING]

285
00:18:03,499 --> 00:18:04,659
[GASPS]

286
00:18:08,087 --> 00:18:10,624
[SCREECHES]

287
00:18:10,673 --> 00:18:13,255
And now for something
completely different.

288
00:18:13,301 --> 00:18:14,336
lt's...

289
00:18:14,385 --> 00:18:19,220
[J‘J‘]

290
00:18:19,265 --> 00:18:23,383
[NARRATOR] Monty
Python '3 Flying Circus.

291
00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:49,458
[FARTING NOISES]

292
00:18:57,219 --> 00:18:58,709
[MAN]
Hello.

293
00:18:58,763 --> 00:19:01,926
Tired of the sounds
of dancing feet?

294
00:19:01,974 --> 00:19:05,387
Then listen to the sounds
of dancing teeth.

295
00:19:05,394 --> 00:19:06,600
Yes, mothers,

296
00:19:06,646 --> 00:19:09,388
it's time, once again,
for Conrad Poohs

297
00:19:09,398 --> 00:19:11,389
and his dancing teeth.

298
00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:14,062
[J‘J‘]

299
00:19:49,605 --> 00:19:53,439
[CROWD SHOUTING]

300
00:19:53,442 --> 00:19:57,731
[J‘J‘]

301
00:20:01,075 --> 00:20:03,441
Excuse me,
I'd like to make a correction.

302
00:20:03,452 --> 00:20:07,240
Conrad is, in fact, holding
a letter, not a telegram.

303
00:20:07,289 --> 00:20:09,120
Thank you.

304
00:20:27,309 --> 00:20:31,598
[J‘J‘]

305
00:20:33,149 --> 00:20:34,480
[SUCKING]

306
00:20:44,326 --> 00:20:46,112
Five pence,
please.

307
00:21:13,355 --> 00:21:15,016
Excuse me,
I would like to

308
00:21:15,065 --> 00:21:17,431
buy a fish
license, please.

309
00:21:21,030 --> 00:21:22,520
[SIGHS]

310
00:21:28,037 --> 00:21:30,403
The man's sign
must be wrong.

311
00:21:30,456 --> 00:21:33,289
l have, in the past,
noticed a marked discrepancy

312
00:21:33,334 --> 00:21:36,076
between these
post-office signs

313
00:21:36,128 --> 00:21:39,495
and the activities
carried out beneath.

314
00:21:39,548 --> 00:21:42,130
But soft, let us
see how Dame Fortune

315
00:21:42,176 --> 00:21:46,340
smiles upon
my next postal adventure.

316
00:21:46,388 --> 00:21:48,094
Hello.

317
00:21:48,140 --> 00:21:50,802
I would like to buy
a fish license, please.

318
00:21:50,851 --> 00:21:52,387
A what?

319
00:21:52,394 --> 00:21:54,680
A license for
my pet fish, Eric.

320
00:21:58,067 --> 00:21:59,557
How do you know
my name is Eric?

321
00:21:59,568 --> 00:22:01,479
No, no, no.
My fish's name is Eric.

322
00:22:01,529 --> 00:22:04,737
Eric the fish.
He's an halibut.

323
00:22:04,782 --> 00:22:06,647
He's a what?

324
00:22:06,700 --> 00:22:10,067
He is an halibut.

325
00:22:10,079 --> 00:22:12,035
You've got a pet
halibut?

326
00:22:12,081 --> 00:22:15,198
Yes. I chose him
out of thousands.

327
00:22:15,251 --> 00:22:17,242
Didn't like the others.
They were all too flat.

328
00:22:17,294 --> 00:22:18,750
You're a loony.

329
00:22:22,424 --> 00:22:24,756
Why should I be tarred
with the epithet "loony"

330
00:22:24,760 --> 00:22:27,217
merely because
I have a pet halibut?

331
00:22:27,263 --> 00:22:29,595
I've heard tell
that Sir Gerald Nabarro

332
00:22:29,598 --> 00:22:31,429
has a pet prawn
called Simon,

333
00:22:31,433 --> 00:22:33,594
and you wouldn't call
Sir Gerald a loony, would you?

334
00:22:33,644 --> 00:22:36,681
Furthermore, Dawn Palethorpe,
the lady showjumper

335
00:22:36,730 --> 00:22:40,063
had a clam called Sir Stafford,
after the late chancellor.

336
00:22:40,109 --> 00:22:43,226
Alan Bullock has two pikes,
both called Norman.

337
00:22:43,279 --> 00:22:47,613
And the late, great
Marcel Proust had an haddock.

338
00:22:47,616 --> 00:22:49,402
If you're calling the author

339
00:22:49,451 --> 00:22:51,658
of A la recherche
du temps perdu a loony,

340
00:22:51,704 --> 00:22:53,820
I shall have to ask you
to step outside.

341
00:22:54,039 --> 00:22:55,529
All right, all right,
all right.

342
00:22:55,583 --> 00:22:56,618
You want a license?

343
00:22:56,625 --> 00:22:58,331
- Yes.
- For a fish?

344
00:22:58,377 --> 00:23:00,117
Yes.

345
00:23:00,170 --> 00:23:02,001
You are a loony.

346
00:23:02,047 --> 00:23:03,958
Look, it's a bleeding pet,
isn't it?

347
00:23:04,008 --> 00:23:06,294
I've got a license
for me pet dog, Eric,

348
00:23:06,343 --> 00:23:09,301
and I've got a license
for me pet cat, Eric.

349
00:23:09,346 --> 00:23:11,132
You don't need
a license for a cat.

350
00:23:11,140 --> 00:23:14,007
You bleeding well do,
and I got one. Ho-ho!

351
00:23:14,059 --> 00:23:16,141
You're not
catching me out there.

352
00:23:16,145 --> 00:23:19,729
There is no such thing
as a bloody cat license.

353
00:23:19,773 --> 00:23:21,729
Yes, there is.

354
00:23:21,775 --> 00:23:24,016
No, there isn't.

355
00:23:24,069 --> 00:23:25,184
ls.

356
00:23:26,488 --> 00:23:27,819
- ls.
- Isn't.

357
00:23:29,700 --> 00:23:31,315
- ls.
- Isn't.

358
00:23:32,453 --> 00:23:34,159
ls.

359
00:23:34,163 --> 00:23:35,824
Isn't.

360
00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:39,160
ls.

361
00:23:39,168 --> 00:23:40,248
Isn't.

362
00:23:43,672 --> 00:23:44,832
What's that, then?

363
00:23:46,634 --> 00:23:49,467
That is a dog license with
the word "dog" crossed out

364
00:23:49,511 --> 00:23:51,502
and the word "cat"
written in in crayon.

365
00:23:51,555 --> 00:23:54,092
Well, the man didn't
have the proper form.

366
00:23:54,141 --> 00:23:55,506
What man?

367
00:23:55,559 --> 00:23:57,550
The man from
the cat-detector van.

368
00:23:57,603 --> 00:23:59,389
Loony-detector van,
you mean.

369
00:23:59,438 --> 00:24:03,022
Look, it's people like you
what causes unrest.

370
00:24:03,067 --> 00:24:04,773
All right,
what cat-detector van?

371
00:24:04,985 --> 00:24:08,227
The cat-detector van
from the Ministry of Housinge.

372
00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:10,191
Housinge?

373
00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:12,196
Yes, it was spelt that way
on the van.

374
00:24:12,201 --> 00:24:14,066
I'm very observant.

375
00:24:14,119 --> 00:24:16,701
I've never seen so many
aerials in me life.

376
00:24:16,705 --> 00:24:19,037
The man told me their
equipment

377
00:24:19,083 --> 00:24:22,120
could pinpoint a purr
at 400 yards.

378
00:24:22,169 --> 00:24:23,579
And Eric,
being such a happy cat,

379
00:24:23,629 --> 00:24:24,709
was a piece of cake.

380
00:24:24,713 --> 00:24:26,419
How much did this cost?

381
00:24:26,465 --> 00:24:30,253
Sixty quid. And 8 guineas
for the fruit bat.

382
00:24:30,302 --> 00:24:32,167
What fruit bat?

383
00:24:32,221 --> 00:24:34,052
Eric the fruit bat.

384
00:24:34,098 --> 00:24:35,213
Are all your pets called Eric?

385
00:24:35,265 --> 00:24:37,130
There's nothing so odd
about that.

386
00:24:37,184 --> 00:24:41,427
Kemal Ataturk had an entire
menagerie all called Abdul.

387
00:24:41,480 --> 00:24:43,061
No, he didn't.

388
00:24:43,107 --> 00:24:45,564
Did, he did, he did,
he did and did.

389
00:24:45,567 --> 00:24:47,228
There you are:

390
00:24:47,277 --> 00:24:49,108
Kemal Ataturk: The Man
by E.W. Swanton

391
00:24:49,154 --> 00:24:51,395
with a foreword
by Paul Anka.

392
00:24:51,407 --> 00:24:52,738
Page 91, please.

393
00:24:55,285 --> 00:24:56,650
[CLEARS THROAT]

394
00:24:59,540 --> 00:25:01,246
Oh, I owe you an apology, sir.

395
00:25:01,291 --> 00:25:03,407
Spoken like a gentleman.

396
00:25:03,460 --> 00:25:05,746
Now, are you gonna give me
this fish license?

397
00:25:05,963 --> 00:25:07,373
I promise you
there is no such thing.

398
00:25:07,423 --> 00:25:09,004
You don't need one.

399
00:25:09,049 --> 00:25:10,630
Then I would like a statement
to that effect

400
00:25:10,676 --> 00:25:12,337
signed by the Lord Mayor.

401
00:25:12,386 --> 00:25:14,718
[FAN FARE PLAYS]

402
00:25:14,763 --> 00:25:17,004
You're in luck.

403
00:25:18,767 --> 00:25:21,600
[NARRATOR]
And now, there is the mayor.

404
00:25:21,603 --> 00:25:25,437
Surely the third-tallest mayor
in Derby's history.

405
00:25:25,482 --> 00:25:27,393
And there are the aldermen,

406
00:25:27,443 --> 00:25:30,025
magnificently resplendent
in their aldermanic hose.

407
00:25:30,070 --> 00:25:32,561
And just look at the power
in those thighs.

408
00:25:32,614 --> 00:25:35,071
The New Zealanders are gonna
find it pretty tough going

409
00:25:35,117 --> 00:25:37,108
in the set pieces
in the second half.

410
00:25:37,161 --> 00:25:40,073
So Dawn Palethorpe with one
clear round on Sir Gerald.

411
00:25:40,122 --> 00:25:41,612
And now the mayor has reached

412
00:25:41,623 --> 00:25:44,035
the great customer,
Mr. Eric Praline.

413
00:25:44,084 --> 00:25:46,291
And now,
the mayoral human being

414
00:25:46,295 --> 00:25:48,411
takes the mayoral pen
in his mayoral hand.

415
00:25:48,464 --> 00:25:50,295
And watched by
the Lady Mayoress,

416
00:25:50,299 --> 00:25:52,415
who, of course,
scored that magnificent try

417
00:25:52,468 --> 00:25:54,379
in the first half,
signs the fishy exemption.

418
00:25:54,428 --> 00:25:56,419
And the great customer,
Mr. Eric Praline,

419
00:25:56,472 --> 00:25:59,339
who is understandably awed
by the magnificence

420
00:25:59,391 --> 00:26:02,007
and even the absurdity
of this great occasion here

421
00:26:02,061 --> 00:26:03,141
at Cardiff Arms Park,

422
00:26:03,187 --> 00:26:04,677
has finally gone spare.

423
00:26:04,730 --> 00:26:07,312
And there is
the going-sparal look

424
00:26:07,316 --> 00:26:09,147
on the front of his head.

425
00:26:09,151 --> 00:26:11,608
And now, the aldermen
are finishing their oranges

426
00:26:11,653 --> 00:26:13,234
and leaving the post office

427
00:26:13,280 --> 00:26:16,363
for the start
of the second half.

428
00:26:24,374 --> 00:26:27,081
And here come
the Derby Council XV

429
00:26:27,127 --> 00:26:28,708
following the All Blacks
out onto the pitch.

430
00:26:28,754 --> 00:26:30,540
Uh, there, at the--
In the center of the pitch,

431
00:26:30,589 --> 00:26:32,500
you can see Dawn Palethorpe
on Sir Gerald--

432
00:26:32,549 --> 00:26:34,585
One of the fastest wingers
we must have seen this season.

433
00:26:34,635 --> 00:26:36,796
On the left,
the Lord Mayor's been running

434
00:26:37,012 --> 00:26:39,674
such wonderful possession for
Derby Council in the lines-out.

435
00:26:39,681 --> 00:26:41,592
And it's the, uh,
All Blacks to kick off.

436
00:26:41,642 --> 00:26:43,633
Uh, Wilson to kick off.
Oh, and I can see there,

437
00:26:43,685 --> 00:26:45,721
the chairman of the Byways
and Highways Committee,

438
00:26:45,771 --> 00:26:48,012
who's obviously recovered
from that very nasty blow

439
00:26:48,065 --> 00:26:50,681
he got in the first half.
And, uh, Wilson kicks off.

440
00:26:50,734 --> 00:26:53,350
And it's-- Town clerk’s taken
the ball beautifully there.

441
00:26:53,362 --> 00:26:54,693
The All Blacks
are up on it very fast,

442
00:26:54,738 --> 00:26:56,353
and-- And the whistle
has gone.

443
00:26:56,406 --> 00:26:58,237
I'm not sure
what happened there,

444
00:26:58,283 --> 00:26:59,819
I couldn’t see,
but there 's a scrumdown.

445
00:27:00,035 --> 00:27:01,241
I think it’s
an All Blacks' ball.

446
00:27:01,286 --> 00:27:03,072
They were up on them
very fast.

447
00:27:03,122 --> 00:27:04,703
Obviously, they're gonna try
very hard in this half

448
00:27:04,748 --> 00:27:06,579
to wipe out
this five-point deficit.

449
00:27:06,625 --> 00:27:08,536
Derby Council,
eight points and three up.

450
00:27:08,585 --> 00:27:10,496
And, uh, Derby Council have
got the ball against the head.

451
00:27:10,546 --> 00:27:12,707
There is the borough surveyor,
the scrum half is up.

452
00:27:12,756 --> 00:27:15,418
The chairman of the Highway
and Byway Committee's

453
00:27:15,467 --> 00:27:17,378
kicked for touch.
The line-out, and it's--

454
00:27:17,386 --> 00:27:19,377
And the mayor-- The mayor
has got the ball again.

455
00:27:19,429 --> 00:27:21,169
To the borough surveyor.

456
00:27:21,223 --> 00:27:22,713
He ’s left-out
the medical officer of health.

457
00:27:22,724 --> 00:27:24,464
Straight along the line,

458
00:27:24,518 --> 00:27:26,008
and the Lady Mayoress
is gonna go through.

459
00:27:26,061 --> 00:27:27,676
Number two has missed her.

460
00:27:27,729 --> 00:27:29,560
Only the fullback to beat.
And she has scored.

461
00:27:29,565 --> 00:27:32,056
The Lady Mayoress has scored.
It’s 11 points to 3.

462
00:27:32,109 --> 00:27:33,690
[CROWD CHEERING]

463
00:27:33,735 --> 00:27:35,771
Cliff, this must have been
a very disappointing result

464
00:27:35,988 --> 00:27:37,398
for the All Blacks.

465
00:27:37,447 --> 00:27:39,278
Well, they've had very bad
luck on their tour so far.

466
00:27:39,324 --> 00:27:42,566
In fact, they missed
four very easy kicks

467
00:27:42,619 --> 00:27:45,110
against the Exeter
Amateur Operatic Society,

468
00:27:45,164 --> 00:27:46,700
which must have
cost them the match.

469
00:27:46,748 --> 00:27:48,784
And then, of course, there was
that crippling defeat

470
00:27:49,001 --> 00:27:51,743
at the hands of the Derry &
Toms Soft Toy Department.

471
00:27:51,753 --> 00:27:54,460
So I don't think they can
be fancying their chances

472
00:27:54,506 --> 00:27:56,371
against the London Pooves
on Saturday.

473
00:27:56,425 --> 00:27:58,086
And what about
China?

474
00:27:58,135 --> 00:28:00,501
Well, whether Mao Zedong
is alive or not,

475
00:28:00,554 --> 00:28:03,216
Lin Biao has a stranglehold
on the Central Committee

476
00:28:03,265 --> 00:28:04,971
which Lin Shao-Chi
can't break.

477
00:28:05,017 --> 00:28:06,632
So it remains to be seen

478
00:28:06,685 --> 00:28:09,301
whether Zhou Enlai can
really get his finger out

479
00:28:09,354 --> 00:28:11,015
and get going
in the second half.

480
00:28:11,064 --> 00:28:12,349
Well, thank you,
Cliff.

481
00:28:12,399 --> 00:28:14,264
Tonight's other
outstanding match

482
00:28:14,318 --> 00:28:16,229
was the semifinal between
the Bournemouth Gynecologists

483
00:28:16,278 --> 00:28:19,361
and the Watford Long John
Silver Impersonators.

484
00:28:19,406 --> 00:28:21,772
We bring you edited highlights
of the match.

485
00:28:21,950 --> 00:28:23,315
[PIRATES SHOUTING]

486
00:28:37,424 --> 00:28:40,461
[PIRATES SHOUTING]

487
00:29:17,005 --> 00:29:19,212
Well, that's it for tonight,
ladies and gentlemen.

488
00:29:19,258 --> 00:29:21,214
But remember, If you've
enjoyed watching this show

489
00:29:21,260 --> 00:29:23,251
just half as much
as we've enjoyed doing it,

490
00:29:23,303 --> 00:29:25,510
then we've enjoyed it
twice as much as you.

491
00:29:25,514 --> 00:29:26,720
Ha-ha-ha.

492
00:29:31,353 --> 00:29:35,346
[J‘J‘]