1 00:00:30,447 --> 00:00:31,778 Ladies and gentlemen, 2 00:00:31,782 --> 00:00:34,148 I'm not simply going to say, 3 00:00:34,201 --> 00:00:36,192 "And now for something completely different," this week, 4 00:00:36,245 --> 00:00:38,076 because I do not think it would fit. 5 00:00:38,121 --> 00:00:40,362 This is a particularly auspicious occasion 6 00:00:40,415 --> 00:00:42,201 for us this evening, 7 00:00:42,251 --> 00:00:44,116 as we have been told that Her Majesty the Queen 8 00:00:44,127 --> 00:00:46,789 will be watching part of this show tonight. 9 00:00:46,838 --> 00:00:49,750 Now we don't know exactly when Her Majesty will be tuning in. 10 00:00:49,800 --> 00:00:52,837 We understand that at the moment she is watching The Virginian, 11 00:00:53,053 --> 00:00:56,090 but we have been promised that we will be informed 12 00:00:56,139 --> 00:00:58,300 the moment that she changes the channel. 13 00:00:58,308 --> 00:01:00,549 Her Majesty would like everyone to behave quite normally, 14 00:01:00,602 --> 00:01:03,685 but her equerry has asked me to request all of you at home 15 00:01:03,730 --> 00:01:06,392 to stand when the great moment arrives, 16 00:01:06,441 --> 00:01:08,978 although we here in the studio will be carrying on 17 00:01:09,027 --> 00:01:13,316 with our humorous vignettes and spoofs in the ordinary way. 18 00:01:13,323 --> 00:01:15,439 Thank you. And now, without any more ado, 19 00:01:15,492 --> 00:01:19,076 and completely as normal, here are the opening titles. 20 00:01:19,121 --> 00:01:21,658 [ELGAR'S "POMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE" PLAYING] 21 00:01:43,353 --> 00:01:45,514 [CHURCH CHOIR SINGING] 22 00:01:48,775 --> 00:01:50,561 AN NOUNCER: The coal miners of Wales 23 00:01:50,611 --> 00:01:53,398 have long been famed for their tough, rugged life, 24 00:01:53,447 --> 00:01:57,736 hewing the black gold from the uncompromising hell of one mile under. 25 00:01:57,784 --> 00:01:58,648 This is the story of such men, 26 00:02:00,037 --> 00:02:03,325 battling gallant/y against floods, roof falls, 27 00:02:03,373 --> 00:02:05,034 the English criminal law, 28 00:02:05,042 --> 00:02:07,374 the hidden killer, carbon monoxide, 29 00:02:07,419 --> 00:02:10,502 and the ever-present threat of pneumoconiosis, 30 00:02:10,547 --> 00:02:12,663 which is a disease miners get. 31 00:02:14,301 --> 00:02:17,213 Don't you talk to me like that, you lying bastard. 32 00:02:17,220 --> 00:02:18,630 Oh, you bleeding pig, 33 00:02:18,680 --> 00:02:20,261 you're not fit to be down a mine. 34 00:02:20,307 --> 00:02:22,047 Oh, yeah, typical bleeding Rhondda, isn't it? 35 00:02:22,059 --> 00:02:23,549 You think you're so bloody clever. 36 00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:25,050 -[GROANS] -All right, okay. 37 00:02:25,103 --> 00:02:27,014 You bloody fighting again? 38 00:02:27,064 --> 00:02:28,600 Break it up or I'll put this pick through your head. 39 00:02:28,649 --> 00:02:31,641 -Now what's it all about? -He started it. 40 00:02:31,693 --> 00:02:34,480 Oh, you bleeding pig, you started it. 41 00:02:34,529 --> 00:02:37,066 I don't care who bloody started it. What's it about? 42 00:02:37,115 --> 00:02:40,733 Well, he said the bloody Treaty of Utrecht was 1713. 43 00:02:42,204 --> 00:02:43,364 So, it bloody is. 44 00:02:43,413 --> 00:02:44,573 No, it bloody isn't. 45 00:02:44,623 --> 00:02:47,786 It wasn't ratified till February, 1714. 46 00:02:47,834 --> 00:02:49,370 He's bluffing. 47 00:02:49,419 --> 00:02:51,375 Your mind's gone, Jenkins. You're rubbish. 48 00:02:51,421 --> 00:02:52,627 He's right, Jenkins. 49 00:02:52,673 --> 00:02:55,085 It was ratified September, 1713. 50 00:02:55,133 --> 00:02:57,340 The whole bloody pit knows that. 51 00:02:57,386 --> 00:02:59,798 Look in Trevelyan, Page 468. 52 00:02:59,846 --> 00:03:02,087 He's thinking of the Treaty of bloody Westphalia. 53 00:03:02,140 --> 00:03:04,347 Are you saying I don't know the difference between 54 00:03:04,393 --> 00:03:06,054 the War of bloody Spanish Succession 55 00:03:06,103 --> 00:03:07,764 and the Thirty bloody Years' War? 56 00:03:07,979 --> 00:03:09,765 You don't know the difference between the Battle of Borodino 57 00:03:09,773 --> 00:03:11,263 and a tiger's bum. 58 00:03:11,274 --> 00:03:13,686 Break it up, break it up. 59 00:03:13,735 --> 00:03:16,568 I'm sick of all this bloody fighting. 60 00:03:16,613 --> 00:03:18,444 If it's not the bloody Treaty of Utrecht, 61 00:03:18,490 --> 00:03:20,651 it's the bloody binomial theorem. 62 00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:22,737 This isn't the senior common room at All Souls, 63 00:03:22,786 --> 00:03:24,651 it's the bloody coalface. 64 00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:26,536 Hey, gaffer, can you settle something? 65 00:03:26,581 --> 00:03:28,697 Morgan here says you find the abacus 66 00:03:28,750 --> 00:03:30,581 between the triglyphs in the frieze section 67 00:03:30,627 --> 00:03:33,334 of the entablature of classical Greek Doric temples. 68 00:03:33,380 --> 00:03:36,463 -You bloody fool, Morgan, that's the metope. -MORGAN: Ah. 69 00:03:36,466 --> 00:03:38,252 The abacus is between the architrave 70 00:03:38,301 --> 00:03:40,007 and the echinus in the capital. 71 00:03:40,053 --> 00:03:42,260 You stinking liar! 72 00:03:42,305 --> 00:03:44,546 [ALL SHOUTING] 73 00:03:45,726 --> 00:03:49,059 [BELL RINGING] 74 00:03:49,104 --> 00:03:51,766 [FANFARE PLAYING] 75 00:04:00,449 --> 00:04:03,737 Oh, most magnificent and merciful Majesty, 76 00:04:03,785 --> 00:04:06,777 master of the universe, protector of the meek, 77 00:04:06,997 --> 00:04:09,158 whose nose we are not worthy to pick. 78 00:04:09,166 --> 00:04:12,499 And whose very feces are an untrammeled delight. 79 00:04:12,544 --> 00:04:15,377 And whose peacocks keep us awake all hours of the night 80 00:04:15,422 --> 00:04:17,458 with their noisy lovemaking. 81 00:04:17,507 --> 00:04:19,668 We beseech thee, tell thy humble servants 82 00:04:19,676 --> 00:04:23,043 the name of the section between the triglyphs in the frieze section 83 00:04:23,096 --> 00:04:25,462 of a classical Doric entablature. 84 00:04:26,516 --> 00:04:29,633 -No idea. Sorry. -Right. Everybody out! 85 00:04:31,396 --> 00:04:34,604 Still no settlement in the coal mine dispute at Llanddarog. 86 00:04:34,649 --> 00:04:36,059 Miners refuse to return to work 87 00:04:36,109 --> 00:04:39,272 until the management define a metope. 88 00:04:39,321 --> 00:04:40,527 Meanwhile at Dagenham, 89 00:04:40,530 --> 00:04:42,191 the unofficial strike committee at Fords 90 00:04:42,199 --> 00:04:44,406 have increased their demands to 13 reasons 91 00:04:44,451 --> 00:04:47,693 why Henry III was a bad king. 92 00:04:47,704 --> 00:04:51,367 And finally, in the disgusting objects international at Wembley tonight, 93 00:04:51,374 --> 00:04:55,708 England beat Spain by a plate of braised pus to a putrid heron. 94 00:04:57,088 --> 00:04:59,704 And now the Toad Elevating Moment. 95 00:04:59,758 --> 00:05:02,625 [J‘J‘J‘] 96 00:05:07,182 --> 00:05:08,513 Good evening. 97 00:05:08,558 --> 00:05:10,298 Well, we have in the studio tonight 98 00:05:10,352 --> 00:05:13,059 a man who says things in a very roundabout way. 99 00:05:13,104 --> 00:05:14,594 Isn't that so, Mr. Pudifoot? 100 00:05:14,648 --> 00:05:16,980 Yes. 101 00:05:17,025 --> 00:05:20,267 Um, have you always said things in a very roundabout way? 102 00:05:22,739 --> 00:05:24,275 Ha. Well, I can't help noticing 103 00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:25,734 that for someone who claims to say things 104 00:05:25,784 --> 00:05:27,570 in a very roundabout way, 105 00:05:27,619 --> 00:05:29,359 your last two answers have had very little 106 00:05:29,412 --> 00:05:31,403 of the discursive quality about them. 107 00:05:31,414 --> 00:05:33,746 Oh, well, I'm not very talkative today. 108 00:05:33,792 --> 00:05:35,407 |t-- It's a form of defensive response 109 00:05:35,460 --> 00:05:38,247 to intense interrogative stimuli. 110 00:05:38,255 --> 00:05:40,041 | used to get it very bad when l was a boy. 111 00:05:40,090 --> 00:05:42,581 Well, when I say badly, in fact, uh, 112 00:05:42,592 --> 00:05:45,459 do you remember that fashion they had for little, you know, poodles-- 113 00:05:45,512 --> 00:05:47,343 Oh, now you're beginning to talk-- 114 00:05:47,389 --> 00:05:48,799 You're beginning to talk in a roundabout way. 115 00:05:49,015 --> 00:05:50,095 Oh, I'm sorry. 116 00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:51,590 No, no, no, no. 117 00:05:51,601 --> 00:05:52,807 Please, do carry on, because that is, in fact, 118 00:05:53,019 --> 00:05:54,759 why we wanted you on the show. 119 00:05:54,771 --> 00:05:57,137 I thought it was because you were interested in me as a human being. 120 00:05:59,526 --> 00:06:02,438 Well, let's move on to our next guest, who not only lives in Essex, 121 00:06:02,445 --> 00:06:05,733 but also speaks only the ends of words, Mr. Ohn lth. 122 00:06:05,782 --> 00:06:07,192 Mr. lth, good evening. 123 00:06:07,242 --> 00:06:08,573 Od lng. 124 00:06:08,618 --> 00:06:10,449 Nice to have you on the show. 125 00:06:10,453 --> 00:06:12,284 lce-oo-ee-ere. 126 00:06:12,330 --> 00:06:14,992 Mr. lth, don't you find it difficult to make yourself understood? 127 00:06:15,041 --> 00:06:16,326 Yes, it is extremely difficult. 128 00:06:16,376 --> 00:06:18,458 Just a minute, you're a fraud. 129 00:06:18,503 --> 00:06:21,165 No, I can speak the third and fourth sentences perfectly normally. 130 00:06:21,214 --> 00:06:24,126 | see. So your next sentence will be only the ends of words again? 131 00:06:24,134 --> 00:06:26,090 Es-ats-ig ht. 132 00:06:26,136 --> 00:06:28,468 Well, let's move on to our next guest, who speaks only 133 00:06:28,513 --> 00:06:31,004 the beginnings of words, Mr. J Sm. 134 00:06:31,057 --> 00:06:34,345 -Mr. Sm, good evening. -Go-ev. 135 00:06:34,394 --> 00:06:35,634 Oh, have you two met before? 136 00:06:35,645 --> 00:06:38,182 137 00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:40,313 Well, this is really a fascinating occasion 138 00:06:40,317 --> 00:06:42,979 because we have in the studio Mr. Oh I, 139 00:06:43,028 --> 00:06:44,814 who speaks only the middles of words. 140 00:06:45,822 --> 00:06:47,608 -Good evening. -Oo-eni. 141 00:06:47,657 --> 00:06:49,318 And where do you come from? 142 00:06:49,367 --> 00:06:50,482 Oh-eh-ah. 143 00:06:50,535 --> 00:06:52,400 Dunfermline in Scotland. 144 00:06:52,454 --> 00:06:53,660 Well, let me introduce you, 145 00:06:53,705 --> 00:06:56,321 -Mr. Ohn lth, Mr. J Sm. -Od-ing. 146 00:06:56,374 --> 00:06:58,456 -Mr. J Sm. -Oo-eni. 147 00:06:58,501 --> 00:07:00,287 -Goo-eve. -Od-ing. 148 00:07:00,337 --> 00:07:02,168 [LAUGHING] Yes, well, just a moment. 149 00:07:02,172 --> 00:07:04,208 Perhaps you would all like to say "good evening" together. 150 00:07:04,257 --> 00:07:05,246 -Ah! Go-- -00. 151 00:07:05,300 --> 00:07:06,335 £253.33; 152 00:07:06,343 --> 00:07:07,378 -Ve. -Ning. 153 00:07:08,678 --> 00:07:10,088 [WHISTLES] 154 00:07:10,138 --> 00:07:12,345 -Hi there, beautiful. -[GROANS] 155 00:07:13,725 --> 00:07:15,590 [WHIMPERS] 156 00:07:16,645 --> 00:07:20,183 Hi, Bob. Say, what's the matter with you? 157 00:07:20,190 --> 00:07:21,726 I don't know, Tom, 158 00:07:21,775 --> 00:07:24,517 but girls seem to avoid me these days. 159 00:07:24,569 --> 00:07:25,558 [MOANS] 160 00:07:25,612 --> 00:07:27,352 Could be bad breath, Bob. 161 00:07:27,405 --> 00:07:30,192 Say, have you tried using Crelm toothpaste? 162 00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:32,782 Gosh, Tom, do you think that would help? 163 00:07:32,994 --> 00:07:35,360 You bet your boots it will, Bob. 164 00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:39,038 Tom was sure right. 165 00:07:39,084 --> 00:07:41,791 Crelm has changed my life. 166 00:07:42,754 --> 00:07:44,540 Hi, girls. 167 00:07:44,589 --> 00:07:47,797 [GOBBLING] 168 00:07:48,009 --> 00:07:49,089 [BURPS] 169 00:07:50,428 --> 00:07:53,215 This table has been treated with ordinary soap powder, 170 00:07:53,223 --> 00:07:56,386 but these have been treated with new Fibro-Val. 171 00:07:56,393 --> 00:07:58,725 We put both of them in our washing machine 172 00:07:58,770 --> 00:08:01,011 and just look at the difference. 173 00:08:01,064 --> 00:08:03,146 The table is all broken and smashed, 174 00:08:03,191 --> 00:08:07,230 but the sheets with Fibro-Val are sparkling clean and white. 175 00:08:07,237 --> 00:08:09,523 [J‘J‘J‘] 176 00:08:27,048 --> 00:08:29,004 AN NOUNCER: I love the surgical garment. 177 00:08:29,050 --> 00:08:30,586 Enjoy the delights 178 00:08:30,635 --> 00:08:32,466 of the Victor Mature Abdominal Corset. 179 00:08:32,512 --> 00:08:35,219 Sail down the Nile on the Bleed-it Kosher Truss. 180 00:08:35,265 --> 00:08:37,256 And don't forget the Hercules Hold-'em-in, 181 00:08:37,308 --> 00:08:39,048 the all-purpose concrete truss 182 00:08:39,102 --> 00:08:40,387 for the man with the family hernia. 183 00:08:42,188 --> 00:08:44,179 Well, last week on Fish Club, 184 00:08:44,232 --> 00:08:47,099 we learned how to sex a pike. 185 00:08:47,152 --> 00:08:49,313 Now, this week we're going to learn how to feed a goldfish. 186 00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:51,273 Now, contrary to what most people think, 187 00:08:51,322 --> 00:08:53,108 the goldfish has a ravenous appetite. 188 00:08:53,158 --> 00:08:54,739 If it doesn't get enough protein, 189 00:08:54,784 --> 00:08:56,775 it gets very thin and its bones begin to stick out, 190 00:08:56,995 --> 00:08:58,610 and its fins start to fall off. 191 00:08:58,663 --> 00:09:00,073 So once a week, give your goldfish 192 00:09:00,123 --> 00:09:01,363 a really good meal. 193 00:09:01,416 --> 00:09:03,281 Here's one specially recommended 194 00:09:03,293 --> 00:09:05,284 by the board of irresponsible people. 195 00:09:05,336 --> 00:09:08,294 First, some cold consommé or gazpacho, 196 00:09:08,298 --> 00:09:11,381 then some sausages with spring greens, 197 00:09:11,426 --> 00:09:14,088 -sautéed potatoes, bread, gravy-- -That's enough. That's enough. 198 00:09:14,137 --> 00:09:17,755 -That's enough. -[SCREAMS] 199 00:09:17,974 --> 00:09:20,181 ANNOUNCER: The R.S.P.C.A. Wish it to be known 200 00:09:20,226 --> 00:09:22,717 that that man was not a bona fide animal lover, 201 00:09:22,771 --> 00:09:25,558 and also that goldfish do not eat sausages. 202 00:09:25,607 --> 00:09:27,563 -MAN: Treacle tart! -ANNOUNCER: Shut up. 203 00:09:27,609 --> 00:09:30,351 They are quite happy with breadcrumbs, ants' eggs and-- 204 00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:32,519 Who wrote that? 205 00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:34,563 [J‘J‘J‘] 206 00:09:45,627 --> 00:09:47,663 -WOMAN: Oh, Charles. -[CHARLES LAUGHING] 207 00:09:47,712 --> 00:09:49,703 -Oh, Charles. No, no. -Come on. 208 00:09:49,756 --> 00:09:51,292 -Oh, no. -[LAUGH|NG] 209 00:09:51,341 --> 00:09:53,002 -Please. Please, no. -Come on. 210 00:09:53,009 --> 00:09:54,294 -[WOMAN MUTTERING] -CHARLES: Oh, Come on. 211 00:09:54,344 --> 00:09:56,130 -Oh, no, Charles. -Come on. 212 00:09:58,681 --> 00:10:01,343 -WOMAN: Oh, Charles. -CHARLES: Oh. 213 00:10:01,351 --> 00:10:03,057 Come on. 214 00:10:03,103 --> 00:10:05,594 -Come on. -[WOMAN WHIMPERING] 215 00:10:05,647 --> 00:10:07,683 [CHARLES LAUGHING] Come on. 216 00:10:07,690 --> 00:10:11,308 -[ WOMAN WHIMPERING] -[CHARLES LAUGHING] 217 00:10:11,361 --> 00:10:13,352 I hope you're enjoying the show. 218 00:10:53,069 --> 00:10:56,311 ANNOUNCER: Herbert Mental collects birdwatchers' eggs. 219 00:10:56,364 --> 00:10:58,104 At his home in Surrey he has a collection 220 00:10:58,158 --> 00:10:59,773 of over 400 of them. 221 00:10:59,826 --> 00:11:01,657 Here now, uh, this is a very interesting one. 222 00:11:01,703 --> 00:11:03,785 Uh, this is from a Mr. P.F. Bradshaw. 223 00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:06,409 He is usually found in Surrey hedgerows, 224 00:11:06,457 --> 00:11:08,118 uh, but I found this one 225 00:11:08,168 --> 00:11:10,250 in the gents' at St. Pancras, uneaten. 226 00:11:10,253 --> 00:11:12,585 ANNOUNCER: Mr. Mental, why did you start 227 00:11:12,589 --> 00:11:14,625 collecting birdwatchers' eggs? 228 00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:17,336 Oh, well, uh, I did it to get on Man Alive. 229 00:11:17,385 --> 00:11:18,420 ANNOUNCER: Man Alive? 230 00:11:18,469 --> 00:11:20,084 That's right, yes. 231 00:11:20,096 --> 00:11:21,256 Uh, but then that got all serious, 232 00:11:21,264 --> 00:11:22,629 so I carried on in the hope 233 00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:24,388 of a quick appearance as an eccentric 234 00:11:24,434 --> 00:11:26,675 on the regional section of Nationwide. 235 00:11:26,728 --> 00:11:30,141 ANNOUNCER: Mr. Mental, I believe a couple of years ago 236 00:11:30,190 --> 00:11:33,023 you started to collect butterfly hunters. 237 00:11:33,067 --> 00:11:35,058 -Uh, butterfly hunters? -ANNOUNCER: Yes. 238 00:11:35,111 --> 00:11:37,443 Oh, that's right. Here's a couple of them over here, you see. 239 00:11:37,488 --> 00:11:39,194 Nice little chaps. 240 00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:42,027 But the hobby I enjoyed most was racing pigeon fanciers. 241 00:12:01,679 --> 00:12:04,045 [ALL COOING] 242 00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:13,267 [ELGAR'S "POMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE" PLAYING] 243 00:12:21,699 --> 00:12:23,735 [ALL COOING] 244 00:12:42,095 --> 00:12:45,587 Dinsdale. Dinsdale. 245 00:12:51,020 --> 00:12:52,510 Is the balloon ready? 246 00:12:52,563 --> 00:12:55,179 Yeah, boss. Coming right up. 247 00:12:56,859 --> 00:12:58,224 Hey. Let's go. 248 00:13:08,079 --> 00:13:10,161 AN NOUNCER: Monty Python 249 00:13:10,206 --> 00:13:13,494 proudly presents: 250 00:13:13,543 --> 00:13:15,408 [FANFARE PLAYING] 251 00:13:26,347 --> 00:13:28,383 [GIGGLING] 252 00:13:31,769 --> 00:13:33,009 ANNOUNCER: The... 253 00:13:33,062 --> 00:13:35,303 [J‘J‘J‘] 254 00:13:50,621 --> 00:13:52,031 Uh, good morning. 255 00:13:52,081 --> 00:13:53,412 l-- I've been in touch with you 256 00:13:53,416 --> 00:13:55,748 about the, uh, life insurance. 257 00:13:55,793 --> 00:13:58,500 Ah, yes, uh, did you-- Did you bring the, mmm, 258 00:13:58,546 --> 00:14:01,629 specimen of-- of your, mmm-- 259 00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:03,505 -And so on, and so on? -Uh, yes, I did. 260 00:14:03,551 --> 00:14:05,587 -Uh, it's in the car. -Good. 261 00:14:05,595 --> 00:14:08,007 There's rather a lot. 262 00:14:08,056 --> 00:14:09,421 Good, good. 263 00:14:09,432 --> 00:14:11,263 Do you really need 12 gallons? 264 00:14:12,769 --> 00:14:14,100 No. No, not really. 265 00:14:14,145 --> 00:14:16,010 -Do you test it? -No. 266 00:14:16,064 --> 00:14:18,020 Well, why do you want it? 267 00:14:18,066 --> 00:14:19,772 Well, we do it to make sure that you're serious about wanting insurance. 268 00:14:19,984 --> 00:14:22,270 I mean, uh, if you're not, you won't spend a couple of months 269 00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:26,563 filling up that enormous churn with, mmm, so on and so on. 270 00:14:26,616 --> 00:14:27,651 Shall I bring it in? 271 00:14:27,700 --> 00:14:29,110 Good Lord, no. Throw it away. 272 00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:30,400 Throw it away? 273 00:14:30,453 --> 00:14:31,738 l was months filling that thing up. 274 00:14:31,788 --> 00:14:33,119 [DRUMROLL] 275 00:14:33,164 --> 00:14:34,995 [MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY] 276 00:14:36,584 --> 00:14:39,792 ["GOD SAVE THE QUEEN" PLAYING] 277 00:14:40,004 --> 00:14:42,541 ANNOUNCER: And we'vejust heard that Her Majesty the Queen 278 00:14:42,590 --> 00:14:44,546 has just tuned in to this program, 279 00:14:44,592 --> 00:14:46,548 and so she is now watching this royal sketch 280 00:14:46,594 --> 00:14:49,461 here in this royal set. 281 00:14:49,472 --> 00:14:52,054 The actor on the left is wearing the great gray suit 282 00:14:52,100 --> 00:14:53,715 of the BBC Wardrobe Department, 283 00:14:53,768 --> 00:14:56,225 and the other actor is about to deliver 284 00:14:56,270 --> 00:14:58,852 the first great royal joke here this royal evening. 285 00:15:00,024 --> 00:15:01,434 Over to the right you can see 286 00:15:01,484 --> 00:15:03,224 the royal cameraman, and behind-- 287 00:15:03,277 --> 00:15:04,687 Oh, we've just heard she's switched over. 288 00:15:06,197 --> 00:15:08,153 [ALL GROANING] 289 00:15:08,157 --> 00:15:10,239 --despite the union's recommendation 290 00:15:10,284 --> 00:15:11,649 that the strikers should accept 291 00:15:11,702 --> 00:15:13,613 the second and third clauses 292 00:15:13,663 --> 00:15:16,530 of the agreement arrived at last Thursday. 293 00:15:16,582 --> 00:15:18,573 [DRUMROLL AND "GOD SAVE THE QUEEN" PLAYING] 294 00:15:18,626 --> 00:15:20,457 Today saw the publication 295 00:15:20,503 --> 00:15:22,619 of the McGuffie Commission's controversial report 296 00:15:22,672 --> 00:15:26,005 on treatment of inpatients in north London hospitals. 297 00:15:26,008 --> 00:15:28,420 DOCTOR: Get on parade! 298 00:15:31,764 --> 00:15:33,004 Come on! 299 00:15:35,017 --> 00:15:37,303 We haven't got all day, have we? 300 00:15:37,353 --> 00:15:39,765 Come on, come on, come on. 301 00:15:39,814 --> 00:15:42,351 [ALL GROANING] 302 00:15:42,358 --> 00:15:44,565 DOCTOR: Hurry up! 303 00:15:44,610 --> 00:15:46,020 Get at it! 304 00:15:49,449 --> 00:15:51,189 Right! 305 00:15:53,202 --> 00:15:55,284 Now, I know some hospitals 306 00:15:55,329 --> 00:15:59,368 where you get the patients lying around in bed. 307 00:15:59,375 --> 00:16:01,491 Sleeping, resting, 308 00:16:01,544 --> 00:16:03,705 recuperating, 309 00:16:03,713 --> 00:16:06,420 convalescing. 310 00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:10,379 Well, that's not the way we do things here, right! 311 00:16:10,386 --> 00:16:13,344 No, you won't be loafing about in bed, 312 00:16:13,389 --> 00:16:15,004 wasting the doctors' time. 313 00:16:15,057 --> 00:16:17,423 You, you horrible little cripple. 314 00:16:17,477 --> 00:16:19,092 What's the matter with you? 315 00:16:19,145 --> 00:16:21,477 Fractured tibia, sergeant. 316 00:16:21,522 --> 00:16:23,763 "Fractured tibia, sergeant." 317 00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:26,349 "Fractured tibia, sergeant." 318 00:16:26,402 --> 00:16:28,734 Proper little mummy's boy, aren't we? 319 00:16:28,779 --> 00:16:31,566 Well, I'll tell you something, my fine friend, 320 00:16:31,616 --> 00:16:35,450 if you fracture a tibia here, you keep quiet about it! 321 00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:37,031 Look at him! 322 00:16:37,079 --> 00:16:38,615 He's broke both his arms 323 00:16:38,664 --> 00:16:40,700 and he don't go shouting about it, do he? 324 00:16:40,750 --> 00:16:43,617 No, 'cause he's a man! 325 00:16:43,669 --> 00:16:44,749 He's a woman, you see, 326 00:16:44,754 --> 00:16:46,085 so don't come with that 327 00:16:46,088 --> 00:16:47,544 broken tibia talk with me! 328 00:16:47,590 --> 00:16:49,205 Get on your feet at the double! 329 00:16:49,258 --> 00:16:51,544 One, two, three, pick that crutch up. 330 00:16:51,594 --> 00:16:54,381 Pick that crutch right up! 331 00:16:59,018 --> 00:17:00,383 Right. 332 00:17:00,436 --> 00:17:03,269 Squad, turn! 333 00:17:03,272 --> 00:17:04,728 Squad, right. 334 00:17:04,774 --> 00:17:06,310 Turn! 335 00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:09,442 Squad, by the left, quick limp! 336 00:17:10,446 --> 00:17:13,279 Come on, pick them up. 337 00:17:13,282 --> 00:17:16,149 Get some air in those wounds. 338 00:17:16,202 --> 00:17:20,161 Here at St. Pooves, we believe in A.R.T. 339 00:17:20,206 --> 00:17:22,447 Active Recuperation Techniques. 340 00:17:22,458 --> 00:17:24,119 We try to help the patient understand 341 00:17:24,126 --> 00:17:25,957 that however ill he may be, 342 00:17:26,003 --> 00:17:29,621 he can still fulfill a useful role in society. 343 00:17:29,674 --> 00:17:32,381 Sun lounge please, Mr. Griffiths. 344 00:17:35,388 --> 00:17:37,128 Well... 345 00:17:37,139 --> 00:17:39,721 I got a triple fracture of the right leg, 346 00:17:39,767 --> 00:17:42,179 dislocated collarbone, 347 00:17:42,228 --> 00:17:44,344 and multiple head injuries, 348 00:17:44,397 --> 00:17:48,515 so I do most of the heavy work, like helping the surgeon. 349 00:17:48,568 --> 00:17:51,150 INTERVIEWER: What does that involve? 350 00:17:51,195 --> 00:17:54,312 Well, at the moment, we're building him a holiday home. 351 00:17:54,365 --> 00:17:56,447 INTERVIEWER: What about the nurses? 352 00:17:56,492 --> 00:17:58,278 Oh, well, I don't know about them. 353 00:17:58,327 --> 00:18:00,238 They're not allowed to mix with the patients. 354 00:18:00,288 --> 00:18:01,994 INTERVIEWER: Do all the patients work? 355 00:18:02,039 --> 00:18:03,529 No, no. 356 00:18:03,583 --> 00:18:05,323 The ones that are really ill do sport. 357 00:18:05,376 --> 00:18:07,332 [J‘J‘J‘] 358 00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:20,304 ANNOUNCER: Yes, one thing patients here dread are the runs. 359 00:18:35,323 --> 00:18:36,688 INTERVIEWER: How are you feeling? 360 00:18:36,741 --> 00:18:38,026 Much better. 361 00:18:38,075 --> 00:18:39,611 [G ROANS] 362 00:18:39,660 --> 00:18:41,275 [GRUNTING] 363 00:18:46,542 --> 00:18:49,033 ANNOUNCER: But the patients are allowed visiting. 364 00:18:49,086 --> 00:18:51,372 And this week they're visiting an iron foundry at Swindon, 365 00:18:51,422 --> 00:18:54,664 which is crying out for unskilled labor. 366 00:18:54,717 --> 00:18:57,129 [J‘J‘J‘] 367 00:18:59,555 --> 00:19:01,136 But this isn't the only hospital 368 00:19:01,182 --> 00:19:03,389 where doctors' conditions are improving. 369 00:19:06,562 --> 00:19:08,644 Oh, we have very little shortage of doctors here. 370 00:19:08,689 --> 00:19:10,554 We have over 40 doctors per bed-- 371 00:19:10,566 --> 00:19:12,557 Pafient 372 00:19:12,610 --> 00:19:14,100 I'll be honest. Bed. 373 00:19:16,656 --> 00:19:18,146 We've every facility here 374 00:19:18,199 --> 00:19:20,064 for dealing with people who are rich. 375 00:19:20,076 --> 00:19:21,316 We can deal with a blocked purse, 376 00:19:21,369 --> 00:19:23,075 we can drain private accounts, 377 00:19:23,079 --> 00:19:24,410 and in the worst cases 378 00:19:24,455 --> 00:19:26,286 we can perform a total "cashectomy," 379 00:19:26,332 --> 00:19:28,118 which is total removal of all moneys 380 00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:29,703 from the patient. 381 00:19:32,505 --> 00:19:34,086 Well, here we try to help people 382 00:19:34,090 --> 00:19:36,422 who have to link sketches together. 383 00:19:36,425 --> 00:19:39,212 We try to stop them saying, "Have you ever wondered what it would be like if," 384 00:19:39,261 --> 00:19:41,547 and instead to say something like, um... 385 00:19:43,224 --> 00:19:46,136 "And now the mountaineering sketch." 386 00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:48,972 Oh, I haven't written a mountaineering sketch, 387 00:19:49,021 --> 00:19:53,765 but now over to the exploding version of the "Blue Danube." 388 00:19:53,776 --> 00:19:55,767 [PLAYING STRAUS' "THE BLUE DANUBE"] 389 00:20:29,061 --> 00:20:32,679 ANNOUNCER: And now a dormitory in a girls' public school. 390 00:20:32,732 --> 00:20:35,144 [SNORING] 391 00:20:37,069 --> 00:20:39,185 [FOOTSTEPS] 392 00:20:41,198 --> 00:20:42,608 [CLATTERING] 393 00:20:45,828 --> 00:20:48,035 MAN 1: Hello, Agnes? 394 00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:50,492 Agnes, are you awake? 395 00:20:50,541 --> 00:20:51,621 Agnes? 396 00:20:51,667 --> 00:20:52,827 [MOANING] 397 00:20:53,043 --> 00:20:54,408 [SLAPPING] 398 00:20:54,462 --> 00:20:56,293 MAN: Agnes? 399 00:20:56,338 --> 00:20:58,624 MAN 2: Who is it? Is that you, Charlie? 400 00:20:58,674 --> 00:21:00,710 MAN 1: Yeah, Agnes. Where's Jane? 401 00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:03,046 MAN 3: I'm over here, Charlie. 402 00:21:03,095 --> 00:21:05,131 MAN 1: Jane, we're going down to raid the tuck shop. 403 00:21:05,181 --> 00:21:08,014 MAN 2: Oh, good-o. Count me in, girls. 404 00:21:08,058 --> 00:21:09,389 MAN 4: Can I come too, Agnes? 405 00:21:09,435 --> 00:21:10,675 MAN 1: Yeah, Joyce. 406 00:21:10,728 --> 00:21:12,343 MAN 5: And me and Avril? 407 00:21:12,354 --> 00:21:14,015 MAN 3: Yeah, rather. And Suki. 408 00:21:14,023 --> 00:21:16,184 MAN 4: Oh, whacko the diddle-oh. 409 00:21:16,192 --> 00:21:17,773 MAN 1: Table it, girls, here comes Miss Rodgers. 410 00:21:20,529 --> 00:21:23,020 All right, girls. 411 00:21:23,032 --> 00:21:24,772 Now stop this tomfoolery and get back into bed. 412 00:21:24,825 --> 00:21:27,567 Remember it's the big match at St. Bridget's tomorrow. 413 00:21:28,746 --> 00:21:30,361 Yes, on your screen tomorrow, 414 00:21:30,414 --> 00:21:32,154 The Naughtiest Girl in the School, 415 00:21:32,208 --> 00:21:35,450 starring the men of the 14th Marine Commandos. 416 00:21:35,503 --> 00:21:37,368 And now it's documentary time, 417 00:21:37,421 --> 00:21:39,161 when we look at the momentous last years 418 00:21:39,215 --> 00:21:40,751 of the Second World War. 419 00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:43,086 And tonight the invasion of Normandy, 420 00:21:43,135 --> 00:21:45,217 performed by the girls of Oakdene High School, 421 00:21:45,262 --> 00:21:46,672 Upper Fifth Science. 422 00:21:46,722 --> 00:21:49,509 MAN: Come on, come on, come on. 423 00:21:49,558 --> 00:21:51,549 [ALL SQUEALING] 424 00:22:05,115 --> 00:22:08,357 Oh, it's still raining. 425 00:22:08,410 --> 00:22:10,071 I'm going down the shops. 426 00:22:10,079 --> 00:22:12,240 Oh, be a dear and get me some ratsbane 427 00:22:12,289 --> 00:22:13,745 for the budgie's boil. 428 00:22:13,749 --> 00:22:15,535 OthenNise, I'll put your eyes out. 429 00:22:15,584 --> 00:22:17,120 Aye, aye, captain. 430 00:22:20,214 --> 00:22:22,546 WOMAN: Calling torpedo bay. 431 00:22:23,801 --> 00:22:25,666 Hi, torpedo bay. 432 00:22:25,719 --> 00:22:27,004 She said torpedo bay. 433 00:22:27,054 --> 00:22:28,635 Yes, she did, she did. 434 00:22:28,681 --> 00:22:30,091 Yes, she said torpedo bay. She did, she did. 435 00:22:31,684 --> 00:22:34,300 Hello, this is Lieutenant Eda/e here. 436 00:22:34,353 --> 00:22:37,641 Mrs. Midshipman Nesbitt's got one of her headaches again, 437 00:22:37,690 --> 00:22:41,308 so I put her in the torpedo tube. 438 00:22:41,360 --> 00:22:43,396 Roger, Mrs. Edale, 439 00:22:43,445 --> 00:22:46,027 stand by to fire Mrs. Nesbitt. 440 00:22:46,073 --> 00:22:47,438 Stand by to fire Mrs. Nesbitt. 441 00:22:47,449 --> 00:22:50,486 Standing by to fire Mrs. Nesbitt. 442 00:22:50,536 --> 00:22:53,323 Red alert, put the kettle on. 443 00:22:53,372 --> 00:22:55,454 Kettle on. 444 00:22:55,457 --> 00:22:58,119 Engine room, stand by to feed the cat. 445 00:22:58,127 --> 00:22:59,617 Standing by to feed the cat. 446 00:23:01,463 --> 00:23:03,499 Fire, Mrs. Nesbitt! 447 00:23:06,135 --> 00:23:08,342 Oh, that's much better. 448 00:23:08,387 --> 00:23:10,343 MAN: "As an admiral who came up through the ranks 449 00:23:10,389 --> 00:23:12,300 more times than you've had hot dinners, 450 00:23:12,349 --> 00:23:15,386 I wish to join my husband, Admiral O.W.A. Giveaway, 451 00:23:15,436 --> 00:23:17,643 in condemning this shoddy misrepresentation 452 00:23:17,646 --> 00:23:19,352 of our modern navy. 453 00:23:19,398 --> 00:23:20,638 The British Navy is one of the finest 454 00:23:20,649 --> 00:23:22,355 and most attractive 455 00:23:22,401 --> 00:23:24,733 and butchest fighting forces in the world. 456 00:23:24,778 --> 00:23:26,393 I love those white flared trousers 457 00:23:26,447 --> 00:23:28,688 and the feel of rough blue serge 458 00:23:28,741 --> 00:23:30,697 on those pert little buttocks. 459 00:23:30,743 --> 00:23:32,324 I'm afraid we are unable to show you 460 00:23:32,328 --> 00:23:34,068 any more of that letter. 461 00:23:34,121 --> 00:23:37,488 We continue with a man with a stoat through his head. 462 00:23:41,170 --> 00:23:42,751 And now: 463 00:23:49,303 --> 00:23:51,589 Still no sign of land. 464 00:23:51,639 --> 00:23:53,175 How long is it? 465 00:23:53,223 --> 00:23:55,509 That's rather a personal question, sir. 466 00:23:55,559 --> 00:23:58,346 You stupid git. 467 00:23:58,395 --> 00:24:01,182 I meant how long we've been in the lifeboat. 468 00:24:01,190 --> 00:24:02,726 You've spoiled the atmosphere now. 469 00:24:02,775 --> 00:24:04,686 -l'm sorry. -Shut up! 470 00:24:04,693 --> 00:24:06,274 We'll have to start again. 471 00:24:12,034 --> 00:24:14,525 Still no sign of land. 472 00:24:14,536 --> 00:24:16,242 How long is it? 473 00:24:16,288 --> 00:24:17,698 Thirty-three days, sir. 474 00:24:17,706 --> 00:24:19,617 Thirty-three days. 475 00:24:19,667 --> 00:24:22,579 I don't think we can hold out longer. 476 00:24:22,628 --> 00:24:24,664 -I don't think I did spoil the atmosphere. -Shut up! 477 00:24:24,713 --> 00:24:26,203 I'm sorry, I don't think I did. 478 00:24:26,215 --> 00:24:27,546 Of course you did. 479 00:24:27,549 --> 00:24:29,085 Do you think | spoiled the atmosphere? 480 00:24:29,134 --> 00:24:31,750 -Well, l-- I think you-- -Look, shut up! Shut up! 481 00:24:35,057 --> 00:24:37,343 [COUGHING] 482 00:24:37,393 --> 00:24:39,759 Still no sign of land. 483 00:24:39,812 --> 00:24:41,052 How long is it? 484 00:24:41,063 --> 00:24:42,052 Thirty-three days. 485 00:24:42,064 --> 00:24:44,146 Have we started again? Oh! 486 00:24:52,241 --> 00:24:54,823 Still no sign of land. 487 00:24:55,035 --> 00:24:56,275 How long is it? 488 00:24:56,328 --> 00:24:58,034 -Thirty-three days, sir. -Thirty-three days? 489 00:24:58,080 --> 00:25:01,538 Yes. We can't hold out much longer. 490 00:25:01,583 --> 00:25:03,995 We haven't had any food since the fifth day. 491 00:25:04,044 --> 00:25:05,705 We're done for, we're done for! 492 00:25:05,754 --> 00:25:07,290 Shut up, Maudling! 493 00:25:07,339 --> 00:25:09,455 We've just gotta keep hoping 494 00:25:09,508 --> 00:25:11,089 someone will find us. 495 00:25:11,093 --> 00:25:12,583 How are you feeling, captain? 496 00:25:12,594 --> 00:25:14,300 Not so good. 497 00:25:14,346 --> 00:25:16,086 | feel so weak. 498 00:25:16,098 --> 00:25:19,090 HODGES: We can't hold out much longer. 499 00:25:19,101 --> 00:25:20,591 [COUGHING] 500 00:25:20,644 --> 00:25:23,636 Listen, chaps, there's one last chance. 501 00:25:23,689 --> 00:25:25,429 I'm done for, I've got a gammy leg, 502 00:25:25,441 --> 00:25:27,477 and I'm going fast, I'll never get through, but-- 503 00:25:29,153 --> 00:25:31,769 some of you might. 504 00:25:31,780 --> 00:25:33,987 So you'd better eat me. 505 00:25:34,033 --> 00:25:35,113 Eat you, sir? 506 00:25:35,159 --> 00:25:36,774 Yes. Eat me. 507 00:25:36,785 --> 00:25:38,025 [G ROANS] 508 00:25:38,078 --> 00:25:40,615 With a gammy leg? 509 00:25:40,622 --> 00:25:42,283 You don't have to eat the leg, Thompson, 510 00:25:42,332 --> 00:25:43,993 there's still plenty of good meat. 511 00:25:44,043 --> 00:25:45,283 Look at that arm. 512 00:25:45,294 --> 00:25:46,784 It's not just the leg, sir. 513 00:25:47,004 --> 00:25:48,289 What do you mean? 514 00:25:48,338 --> 00:25:49,748 Well, sir, it's just that-- 515 00:25:49,798 --> 00:25:51,789 Why don't you want to eat me? 516 00:25:52,009 --> 00:25:53,215 I'd rather eat Johnson, sir. 517 00:25:53,260 --> 00:25:54,545 Oh, so would I, sir. 518 00:25:54,595 --> 00:25:56,210 | see. 519 00:25:56,263 --> 00:25:58,094 Oh, well, that's settled. Everyone eats me. 520 00:25:58,140 --> 00:25:58,970 -Well, I, um... -What, sir? 521 00:26:00,017 --> 00:26:02,224 No, no, you go ahead, I won't... 522 00:26:02,269 --> 00:26:04,476 Nonsense, nonsense, sir, you're starving. Tuck in! 523 00:26:04,521 --> 00:26:06,352 No, it's-- It's notjust that. 524 00:26:06,398 --> 00:26:08,480 What's the matter with Johnson, sir? 525 00:26:09,485 --> 00:26:10,565 Well, he's not kosher. 526 00:26:12,654 --> 00:26:14,144 Depends how we kill him, sir. 527 00:26:14,198 --> 00:26:15,608 Yes, yes, | see that, 528 00:26:15,657 --> 00:26:17,773 but, um, well, to be quite frank, 529 00:26:17,993 --> 00:26:19,699 I like my meat a little more lean. 530 00:26:19,745 --> 00:26:20,985 I'd rather eat Hodges. 531 00:26:21,038 --> 00:26:22,778 Oh, well, all right. 532 00:26:22,998 --> 00:26:24,659 No, I'd still prefer to eat Johnson. 533 00:26:24,708 --> 00:26:26,494 | wish you'd stop bickering and eat me. 534 00:26:26,502 --> 00:26:28,333 | tell you what. 535 00:26:28,337 --> 00:26:30,373 Why don't those of us who want to eat Johnson, 536 00:26:30,422 --> 00:26:32,378 then you, sir, can eat my leg, 537 00:26:32,424 --> 00:26:34,210 and then we can make a stock of the captain, 538 00:26:34,259 --> 00:26:35,669 and then after that we can eat 539 00:26:35,677 --> 00:26:37,338 the rest of Johnson cold for supper? 540 00:26:37,346 --> 00:26:39,462 -Good thinking, Hodges. -We'll finish off with peaches. 541 00:26:39,515 --> 00:26:41,176 And we can start off with the avocados. 542 00:26:41,225 --> 00:26:42,556 Waitress! 543 00:26:42,601 --> 00:26:44,307 Waitress, we've decided now. 544 00:26:46,522 --> 00:26:48,433 [AUDIENCE GROANING] 545 00:26:51,110 --> 00:26:54,068 MAN: Dear sir, lam glad to hear that your studio audience 546 00:26:54,113 --> 00:26:56,604 disapproves of the last skit as strongly as l. 547 00:26:56,657 --> 00:26:59,364 As a naval officer, I abhor the implication 548 00:26:59,409 --> 00:27:01,991 that the Royal Navy is a haven for cannibalism. 549 00:27:02,037 --> 00:27:03,948 It is well known that we now have the problem 550 00:27:03,997 --> 00:27:05,407 relatively under control, 551 00:27:05,457 --> 00:27:07,243 and that it's the RAF who now suffer 552 00:27:07,292 --> 00:27:09,328 the largest casualties in this area. 553 00:27:09,378 --> 00:27:11,209 And what do you think the Argylls ate in Aden? 554 00:27:11,213 --> 00:27:12,953 Arabs? 555 00:27:13,006 --> 00:27:14,667 Yours et cetera, Captain B.J. Smethwick, 556 00:27:14,716 --> 00:27:16,297 in a white wine sauce with shallots, 557 00:27:16,343 --> 00:27:18,459 mushrooms and garlic. 558 00:27:18,512 --> 00:27:20,377 [CHOMPING] 559 00:27:37,239 --> 00:27:39,400 MAN: Stop it. Stop it! 560 00:27:39,449 --> 00:27:41,235 Stop this cannibalism! 561 00:27:41,243 --> 00:27:43,484 Let's have a sketch about clean, decent human beings. 562 00:27:43,537 --> 00:27:46,119 [RINGING] 563 00:27:46,165 --> 00:27:47,746 -Good morning. -Ah, good morning. 564 00:27:47,749 --> 00:27:49,239 What will I do for you, squire? 565 00:27:49,251 --> 00:27:50,582 Well, uh, I wonder if you can help me. 566 00:27:50,586 --> 00:27:52,577 Um, you see, my mother has just died. 567 00:27:52,629 --> 00:27:54,085 Oh, yeah, we can help you. 568 00:27:54,089 --> 00:27:55,795 -We deal with stiffs. -What? 569 00:27:56,008 --> 00:27:58,590 Well, there are three things we can do with your mother: 570 00:27:58,635 --> 00:28:01,172 We can burn her, bury her or dump her. 571 00:28:01,221 --> 00:28:02,256 Dump her? 572 00:28:02,306 --> 00:28:04,718 -Dump her in the Thames. -What?! 573 00:28:04,766 --> 00:28:07,257 -Oh, did you like her? -Yes. 574 00:28:07,269 --> 00:28:08,600 Oh, we won't dump her, then. Well, what do you think? 575 00:28:08,645 --> 00:28:11,307 We can bury her or burn her. 576 00:28:11,356 --> 00:28:13,062 Well, uh, which do you recommend? 577 00:28:13,108 --> 00:28:14,598 Well, they're both nasty. 578 00:28:14,651 --> 00:28:17,563 Uh, if we burn her, she gets stuffed in the flames. 579 00:28:17,613 --> 00:28:19,274 Crackle, crackle, crackle. 580 00:28:19,323 --> 00:28:22,315 Which is a bit of a shock if she's not quite dead, but quick. 581 00:28:22,367 --> 00:28:24,153 Then we give you a handful of ashes, 582 00:28:24,203 --> 00:28:26,114 -which you can pretend were hers. -Oh. 583 00:28:26,163 --> 00:28:27,619 Or if we bury her, 584 00:28:27,664 --> 00:28:31,122 she gets eaten up by lots of weevils and nasty maggots 585 00:28:31,168 --> 00:28:33,124 which, as I said before, 586 00:28:33,128 --> 00:28:34,959 is a bit of a shock if she's not quite dead. 587 00:28:35,005 --> 00:28:36,370 | see. 588 00:28:36,423 --> 00:28:38,664 Well, she's, uh-- She's definitely dead. 589 00:28:38,717 --> 00:28:40,799 -Where is she? -Oh, she's in this sack. 590 00:28:40,969 --> 00:28:42,084 Can I have a look? 591 00:28:42,137 --> 00:28:44,219 [AUDIENCE BOOING] 592 00:28:45,515 --> 00:28:46,630 She looks quite young. 593 00:28:46,642 --> 00:28:48,303 Yes. Yes, she was. 594 00:28:48,352 --> 00:28:50,058 -Fred? -FRED: Yeah? 595 00:28:50,103 --> 00:28:51,218 I think we've got an eater. 596 00:28:51,271 --> 00:28:52,636 -[AUDIENCE BOOS] -What? 597 00:28:52,648 --> 00:28:54,138 -|'|| get the oven on. -Right. 598 00:28:54,191 --> 00:28:57,308 Uh, excuse me, um, are you--? Are--? 599 00:28:57,361 --> 00:29:00,444 Are you suggesting... eating my mother? 600 00:29:00,489 --> 00:29:02,400 [AUDIENCE SHOUTS] 601 00:29:04,326 --> 00:29:06,988 -Yeah. Not raw, cooked. -What? 602 00:29:06,995 --> 00:29:09,281 You know, roasted, a few French fries, 603 00:29:09,331 --> 00:29:12,038 broccoli, horseradish sauce. 604 00:29:12,084 --> 00:29:13,995 MAN: That's nasty. 605 00:29:14,002 --> 00:29:15,492 Well, |-- I do feel a bit peckish. 606 00:29:15,545 --> 00:29:16,625 [AUDIENCE GROANS] 607 00:29:16,672 --> 00:29:18,003 Great! 608 00:29:18,006 --> 00:29:19,212 Can we have some parsnips? 609 00:29:19,258 --> 00:29:20,714 Fred, get some parsnips! 610 00:29:20,759 --> 00:29:23,000 I really don't think I should. 611 00:29:23,053 --> 00:29:24,463 Look, tell you what. 612 00:29:24,513 --> 00:29:26,253 We'll eat her, 613 00:29:26,306 --> 00:29:28,422 if you feel a bit guilty about it aftenNards, 614 00:29:28,475 --> 00:29:30,181 we can dig a grave and you can throw up in it. 615 00:29:30,185 --> 00:29:32,346 [AUDIENCE ROARS] 616 00:29:38,527 --> 00:29:40,518 [ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY] 617 00:29:49,538 --> 00:29:52,530 ["GOD SAVE THE QUEEN" PLAYING]