[J‘J‘J‘]
Hello, good evening and welcome to another edition of
Blood, Devastation, Death, War and Horror.
And later on, we'll be talking to a man who does gardening.
But our first guest--
Our first guest in the studio tonight
is a man who talks entirely in anagrams.
Taht si crreoct.
Do you enjoy this?
l stom certainly od. Revy chum so.
And what's your name?
Hamrag. Hamrag Yatlerot.
Well, Graham, nice to have you on the show.
Now, where do you come from?
-Uh, Bumcreland. -Cumberland?
Staht sit sepreicly.
And I believe you're working on an anagram version of Shakespeare?
Sey, sey, taht si crreoct.
Uh, ta the mnemot l'm wroking on The Mating of the Wersh.
The Mating of the Wersh, by William Shakespeare?
-Nay, by Malliwi Rapessheake. -Ah.
And, uh, what else?
Uh, Two Net/emeg of Verona, Twelfth Thing
The Chamrent of Venice.
-Have you done Hamlet? -Thamel.
"Be ot or bot ne ot, tath is the noestqui."
And what is your next project?
Uh, Ring Kichard the Thrid.
I'm sorry?
"A shroe! A shroe! My dingkom for a shroe."
Ah, ha, ha.
Ring Kichard, yes.
But surely that's not an anagram, that's a spoonerism.
If you're gonna split hairs, I'm gonna piss off.
[PLAYING FAN FARE]
-And now... -lt's....
[J‘J‘J‘]
ANNOUNCER: Tony M. Nyphot's Flying Risccu.
[J‘J‘J‘]
Mrs. Scab, you have 12 hours to beat the clock.
Correct!
I've done it. I've done it.
[SCREAMS AND LAUGHS]
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
Hello?
Ah, Mr. Victim, yes, I'm glad to say
that I've got the go-ahead to lend you the money you require, yes.
Uh, we will, of course, want as security
the deeds of your house, of your aunt's house,
of your second cousin's house,
of your wife's parents' house and of your granny's bungalow.
And, uh, we will, in addition,
need a controlling interest in your new company,
uh, unrestricted access to your private bank account,
the deposit in our vaults of your three children as hostages,
and a full legal indemnity against any acts of embezzlement
carried out against you by any members of our staff
during the normal course of their duties.
No, we couldn't accept your dog instead of your youngest child.
We would like to suggest a brand-new scheme of ours,
under which 51 percent of both your dog and your wife pass to us
in the event of your suffering a serious accident.
Fine. No, not at all. Nice to do business with you.
Uh...
Miss Godfrey, could you send in Mr. Ford, please?
Now, where's that dictionary?
Ah, yes, here we are. Oh, dear.
Inner life...
[CLEARS THROAT]
-lnner life... -[KNOCKING]
Come in!
Ah, uh, Mr. Ford, isn't it?
-That's right, yes. -How do you do?
I'm a merchant banker.
How do you do, Mr...?
Um, I forget my name for the moment,
but I am a merchant banker.
I wondered whether you'd like to contribute
to the orphans' home?
Well, I don't wanna show my hand too early,
but, actually, here at Slater Nazi,
we are quite keen to get into orphans.
You know, uh, developing market and all that.
What sort of sum did you have in mind?
Well, uh, you're a rich man.
Yes, I am. Yes, yes.
Very, very rich.
Quite phenomenally wealthy, yes.
I do-- I do own the most startling quantities of cash.
Yes, quite right.
You're rather a smart young lad, aren't you?
We could do with you to feed the pantomime horse.
-Very smart. -Thank you, sir.
Now, you were saying, I'm-- l'm-- I'm very, very, very,
very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very rich.
So, um, how about a pound?
A pound. Yes, I see.
Now, uh, this loan would be secured by the poor--
It's not-- It's not a loan, sir.
-What? -lt's not a loan.
Ah.
You get one of these, sir.
It's a bit small for a share certificate, isn't it?
Look, um, lthink-- I think I'd better run this over to our Legal Department.
If you could possibly pop back on Friday--
Do you-- Do you have to that?
Couldn't you just give me the pound?
Yes, but, you-- You see, I don't know what it's for.
Well, it's for the orphans.
Yes?
It's a gift.
-A what? -A-- A gift.
[RATTLES]
-Oh, a gift! -Yes.
-A tax dodge. -No, no, no, no.
No? Then, well, I'm awfully sorry, I don't understand.
Um, can you just explain exactly what you want?
Well, Iwant you to give me a pound
and then I go away and give it to the orphans.
Well, that's it.
No,no,no, I don't follow this at all.
I mean, um-- I don't want to seem stupid,
but it looks to me as though I'm a pound down on the whole deal.
Well, yes, you are.
I am?
Well, what is my incentive to give you the pound?
Well, the incentive is to make the orphans happy.
Happy?
You quite sure you've got this right?
Yes, lots of people give me money.
-What, just like that? -Well, yes.
Must be sick.
Uh, I don't suppose you could give me
a list of their names and addresses, could you?
No. No, ljust go up to them in the street and ask.
Good Lord.
That's the most exciting new idea I've heard in years.
lt's-- It's so simple it's brilliant!
Well, if that idea of yours isn't worth a pound
-I'd like to know what is. -Oh, thank you, sir.
The only trouble is,
you gave me the idea before I'd given you the pound.
And that's not good business.
Isn't it?
No, I'm afraid it isn't.
So, um, off you go.
[SCREAMS]
-Nice to do business with you. -Anyway--
And off we go again.
Uh, Miss Godfrey.
Uh, could you send in the pantomime horses, please?
[J‘J‘J‘]
-Now, I've asked you in here-- -[J‘J‘J‘]
-Now, I've asked you-- -[J‘J‘J‘]
Shut up!
Now, I've asked you in here to see me this morning
because I'm afraid we're going to have to let one of you go.
I'm very sorry, but the present rationalization of this firm
makes it inevitable that we hive one of you off.
Now, you may think that this is very harsh behaviour,
but let me tell you that our management consultants
actually queried the necessity
for us to employ a pantomime horse at all.
And so the decision has to be made which one of you is to go.
Champion, how many years have you been with this firm?
Trigger?
I see. Well, it's a difficult decision.
But in accordance with our traditional principles
of free enterprise and healthy competition,
I'm going to ask the two of you to fight to the death for it.
No, I'm afraid there's no redundancy scheme.
GERMAN ANNOUNCER: In the hard and unrelenting world of nature,
the ceaseless struggle for survival continues.
This time, one of the pantomime horses concedes defeat
and so lives to ﬁght another day.
[J‘J‘J‘]
Here, in a colony of sea lions, we see a huge bull sea lion
seeing off an intruding bull
who is attempting to intrude on his harem.
This pattern of aggressive behavior
is typical of these documentaries.
Here we see two limpets
locked in a life-or-death struggle for territory.
The huge bull limpet, enraged by the rock,
endeavors to encircle its sprightly opponent.
Here we see an ant.
This ant is engaged in a life-or—death struggle with the wolf.
You can see the ant creeping up on the wolf on all sixes.
Now he stops to observe.
Satisﬁed that the wolf has not heard him,
he approaches nearer.
With great skill he chooses his moment and then,
quick as a limpet, with one mighty bound,
buries his fangs in the wolf's neck.
The wolf struggles to no avail.
A battle of this kind can take anything up to 15 years
because the timber ant has such a tiny mouth.
Here we see Heinz Sielmann engaged in a life-or—death struggle with Peter Scott.
They are engaged in a bitter punch-up
over repeat fees on the overseas sales
of their nature documentaries.
Now they have been joined by an enraged Jacques Cousteau.
This is typical of the harsh and bitchy world
of television features.
Here we see a honey bear
not engaged in a life-or-death struggle about anything.
These honey bears are placid and peaceful creatures
and, consequently, bad television.
Here we see a pantomime horse.
It is engaged in a life-or-death struggle
for a job with a merchant bank.
However, his rival employee,
the huge bull pantomime horse,
is lying in wait for him.
Poor pantomime horse.
Here, we see a pantomime goose
engaged in a life-or-death struggle with Terence Rattigan.
The enraged goose ﬁres.
[BOINGS]
Poor Terence.
Another victim of this silly ﬁlm.
Here we see an enraged pantomime Princess Margaret.
She is lying in wait for her breakfast.
The unsuspecting breakfast glides ever closer to its doom.
The enraged pantomime royal person
is poised for the kill.
She raises her harpoon and ﬁres.
Ping!
Right in the toast.
A brief struggle and all is over.
-Poor breakfast. Another victim of the-- -[SCREAMS]
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
[G ROANS]
Oh, the pantomime flea has caught himself
a nice little dinner, Fred.
[ROARING]
I think the dining room wants his din-dins too.
Your turn today, dear.
[WOMAN SCREAMING]
[BURPS]
[ROARING]
All right, Mr. Bedroom, you'll get your dinner too.
[MAN SCREAMING]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Postman.
[POSTMAN SCREAMING]
[HUMMING "GREENSLEEVES"]
[G ROWLS]
-[SCREAMING] -[GROWLING]
-[ROARS] -[SCREAMING]
WOMAN: Oh, the 69's late again.
-[ROARS] -[GROUP SCREAMING]
[TOILET FLUSHES]
[GROANING]
You hear that, Tim?
Yep.
Could just be the house we're lookin' for.
ANNOUNCER: This, then, is the story of two desperate men
hired by the good people at NCP Car Parks
to hunt down and destroy
houses too dangerous to live.
MAN 1: Well, what do you think?
MAN 2: Oh, these are house droppings, all right.
Fresh ones too.
MAN 1: Okay, let's go.
Psst. Over here.
That's the one.
Cover me. I'm gonna make a try for it.
[HOUSE SNORING]
[PANTING]
[BOTH SQUEALING GLEEFULLY]
Get away! Hey!
[BOTH LAUGHING]
[BUZZING]
ANNOUNCER: And so, thanks once again to the unceasing efforts
of the good people at NCP Car Parks,
the world is made just a little bit safer.
[J‘J‘J‘]
ANNOUNCER: Sketchjust starting, actor wanted.
-Good-- Good morning. -Morning, sir.
-I'd like to join the army, please. -I see.
Uh, short service or long service commission, sir?
Um, long as possible, please.
Right, well, I'll just take a few particulars and then--
Shove off!
And then there'll be a few forms to sign.
Of course, we'll need some references and then a full medical examination by--
Yes, I see. I-- l was just wondering
whether it would be possible for me to join the women's army?
The Women's Royal Army Corps, sir?
Yes, |-- l was just thinking, you know, if it was possible
for me to have my choice,
I'd prefer to be in the Women's Royal Amy Corps.
Well, I'm afraid that the people that recruit here
normally go straight into the Scots Guards.
Uh, which is all men, lsuppose?
Yes, it is.
Yes.
Are there any regiments which are more...
effeminate than others?
Well, no, sir. I mean, apart from the marines, they're all dead butch.
See, what I-- I really wanted was a regiment
where I could be really quiet and have more time to myself
to work with fabrics and creating new concepts in interior design.
Working with fabrics and experimenting with interior design?
Yes.
Oh, well, you want the Durham Light Infantry, then.
-Oh. -Oh, yes.
That's the only regiment that's really doing something new with design,
with color, texture and line and that. Oh, yeah.
I mean, their use of color with fabrics is fantastic.
I saw their pattern book the other day.
Beautiful, beautiful.
Savage tans, great slabs of black
set against aggressive orange.
It really makes you want to shout out,
-"This is good! This is real!" -Really?
Oh, yes. I mean, The lnniskilling Fusiliers and Anglian regiment are all right,
if you're interested in the art nouveau William Morris revival bit.
But if you really want a regiment of the line
that is really saying something about interior decor,
then you've got to go for the Durham Light Infantry.
I've had enough of this, I'm handing in my notice.
-What do you mean? -Well, I mean, when I applied for this job,
but you end up doing the whole thing.
My last five speeches have been:
"Really. Really. I see. I see," and, "Really."
I wouldn't give those lines to a dog.
All right! All right. All right, sonny.
I'll tell you what, we'll do something different.
I'll be a bus conductor and you can be a really funny passenger on a bus.
Any more fares, please? I've got a chauffeur,
and every time I go to the lavatory he drives me potty.
Boom, boom. One in a row.
-J‘ I'm not unusual, l'm-- J‘ -Fivepenny, please.
Five beautiful pennies going into the bag,
and you are the lucky winner of...
one fivepenny ticket.
What's the Welshman doing under the bed?
He's having a leak.
Oh, they're all in here tonight.
[LAUGHING, CLAPPING]
-Look! -I am looking.
It's the only way I can keep my eyelids apart.
Boom, boom. Everyone a Maserati!
Look, you said I was gonna be a funny passenger.
-What do you mean? -Well, all I said was,
"Fivepenny, please." You can't call that a funny line.
Well, it's the way you said it.
No, it isn't!
Nobody can say, "Fivepenny, please," and make it funny.
Fivepenny, please.
[LAUGHING, CLAPPING]
-Morning. -[LAUGHING]
Not so warm today, eh, George?
[LAUGHING]
-Good morning. -MAN 1: Good morning.
-WOMAN: Good morning. -MAN 2: Good morning.
[LAUGHING]
[KNOCKING]
Come in, Mr. Horton.
Morning, sir.
[SNORTS]
[CLEARS THROAT]
Do, uh-- Do sit down.
-Thank you, sir. -[SNORTS]
[CLEARS THROAT]
Now then, Horton,
you've been with us for 20 years,
and your work in the Accounts Department has been immaculate.
[GIGGLING] No, no, please don't say anything.
As I say, your work has been beyond reproach.
But unfortunately, the effect you're having on your colleagues
has undermined the competence-- [SNICKERING]
Has undermined the competence of this firm
to such a point that I'm afraid I've got no option...
...but to sack you.
-I'm sorry to hear that, sir. -[SNORTS]
It couldn't have come at a worse time.
[LAUGHS]
There's school fees for the two boys coming up,
and the wife's treatment costing more now, sir.
I don't know where the money's coming from as it is, and now...
I don't see any future.
I'd been hoping I might be able to hang on here
just for the last couple of years,
but now I--
-| just want to go out and end it all. -[LAUGHING]
[LAUGHING, CLAPPING]
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
And now for the fish.
The fish down the trousers.
It's your laugh, mate, it's not mine.
It's your trousers, not my trousers, your trousers.
And now for the whitewash.
The whitewash over you.
Not over me. It's over you.
You get the laughs. You get all the laughs.
And now for the custard pie in the mush.
It's not my mush, it's your mush.
It's your laugh. It's your laugh, mate, it's not mine.
It's your bleeding laugh.
[J‘J‘J‘]
Good evening.
Tonight we're going to talk about--
That is, I'm going to talk about--
Well, actually, I'm talking about it now. Ha.
I'm not talking about it now, but I am talking.
but the pauses are part of the whole process of talking.
When one talks, one has to pause.
Uh, like then.
l paused, but I was still talking.
And again there.
Well, no, the real point of what I'm saying is,
that when I appear not to be talking, don't go nipping out to the kitchen,
putting the kettle on, buttering scones,
or getting crumbs and bits of food out of those round, brown straw mats
that the teapot goes on, you know,
because in all probability, I'm still talking and what you heard was a pause.
[CLEARS THROAT] Like there again.
Look, to make it absolutely easier, so there's no problem at all,
what I'll do is I'll give you some kind of sign, like this...
while I'm still talking, and only pausing in between words,
and when I've finished altogether, I'll do this, all right?
NO, no, sorry, no, no.
Sorry, just demonstrating. Haven't finished.
Haven't started yet.
Oh, dear. Nearly forgot the gesture.
I hope none of you are nipping out into the kitchen,
getting bits of food out of those round, brown mats, which the...
Good evening.
Tonight, I want to talk about--
ANNOUNCER: We interrupt this program to annoy you
and make things general/y irritating for you.
--with a large piece of wet paper.
Turn the paper over--
Turn the paper over, keeping your eye on the camel,
and paste down the edge of the sailor's uniform
until the word "maudling" is almost totally obscured.
Well, that's one way of doing it.
ANNOUNCER 1: Good evening. We interrupt this program again.
"A". to irritate you, and "B". to provide work
for one of our announcers.
AN NOUNCER 2: Good evening. I'm the announcer
who's just been given this job by the BBC.
And I'd just like to say how grateful I am to the BBC for providing me with work,
particularly at this time of year when things are a bit thin for us announcers.
Um...
I don 't know whether I should tell you this, but...
Well, I have been going through a rather tough time recently.
Things have been pretty awful at home.
My wife, Josephine,
"Joe-jums, " as I call her,
-who is also an announcer... -JOSEPHINE: Hello.
ANNOUNCER 2: ...has not been able to announce since our youngest, Clifford, was born
and, well... I've just got no conﬁdence left.
lmean, I can't get up in the morning,
I feel there's nothing worth living for--
ANNOUNCER 3: Hello, I'm another announcer, my name’s Dick.
Joe-jums just rang me and said Jack was having a bad time with this announcement,
so I've just come to give him a hand.
-How is he, Joe-jums? -JOSEPHINE: Pretty bad, Dick.
D I CK: Jack, it's Dick.
-Do you want me to make the announcement? -JACK: No.
No, Dick, l-- I must do it myself.
It's my last chance with the BBC, I can ’t throw it away.
I've got to do it for--
For Joe-jums, for the kids.
I've got to go through with it.
DICK: Good man. Now, remember your announcer's training: deep breaths.
And try not to think about what you're saying.
JACK: Good evening. This is BBC 1.
JOSEPHINE: Good luck, Jack.
DICK: Keep going, old boy.
JACK: It's 9:00
and time for the news
read... by Richard Baker.
-JOSEPHINE: You've done it. -DICK: Congratulations, old man!
-JOSEPHINE: Absolutely marvellous. -JACK: Oh, thank God.
JOSEPHINE: Darling, you were brilliant. No, no, it's the best you ever did.
-JACK: Thank God. Really? -JOSEPHINE: It was absolutely superb.
DICK: Here, Joe-jums, have a drink.
For God’s sake, drink this. Seriously, you were fabulous.
Your voice was superb.
-JACK: Didn't it shake too much? -DICK: No, no, no.
-DICK: You were rock solid. -JACK: Thanks very much.
DICK: Listen, I've got Babu on the phone. He’s on red.
-Can you speak to him? -DICK: Can I?
DICK: He really thinks it's marvelous.
JACK: Fantastic.
[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]
JACK: Oh, well, thank you.
DICK: Hey, the least I could do.
DICK: I thought, "I must come over. "
JACK: No, really, thanks.
Oh, l-- I just can't possibly--
Can't tell you how much that means.
DICK: I think it's the turning point here. I really do.
[ALL CHATTERING]
-JACK: Hello, Reggie. What? -DICK: Is that Gordon on three?
JACK: Yes. Hang on, Reggie.
DICK: Hello, Gordon?
[LAUGHING]
--until the name "Maudling" is almost totally obscured.
That is the ned of the nicro-not wens.
And now it's time for the late-night flim.
[J‘J‘J‘]
Oh...
Oh, pantomime horse, that was wonderful.
Would you like another glass?
Oh, no, no, I mustn't, it makes me throw up.
Oh, I'm so bleeding happy.
Oh, Simone!
Oh, pantomime horse.
Then...
[J‘J‘J‘]
ANNOUNCER: Now, the English pantomime horse has nearly caught up
with the Russian pantomime horse. I think he’s gonna take him any moment--
But what is this? What is this?
Yes, it’s the pantomime Princess Margaret and the pantomime goose.
And they're attacking the English horse and the Russian pantomime horse has got away.
But who is this? My goodness me, it's the Duke of Kent to the rescue.
It's the Duke of Kent!
[INDISTINCT COMMENTARY]
GERMAN ANNOUNCER: Here you see some English comic actors
engaged in a life-or-death struggle
with a rather weak ending.
This is typical of the zany, madcap world
of the irresistible kooky funsters.
The English pantomime horse wins,
and so is assured of a place in British history
and a steady job in a merchant bank.
Unfortunately, before his pension rights are assured,
he catches bronchitis and dies.
Another victim of the need to ﬁnish these shows on time.