1 00:00:41,458 --> 00:00:43,619 [J‘J‘J‘] 2 00:00:45,629 --> 00:00:47,790 Hello, good evening and welcome to another edition of 3 00:00:47,798 --> 00:00:51,416 Blood, Devastation, Death, War and Horror. 4 00:00:51,468 --> 00:00:54,255 And later on, we'll be talking to a man who does gardening. 5 00:00:54,304 --> 00:00:55,794 But our first guest-- 6 00:00:55,806 --> 00:00:57,296 Our first guest in the studio tonight 7 00:00:57,349 --> 00:01:00,136 is a man who talks entirely in anagrams. 8 00:01:00,185 --> 00:01:01,516 Taht si crreoct. 9 00:01:02,521 --> 00:01:03,806 Do you enjoy this? 10 00:01:03,981 --> 00:01:06,472 l stom certainly od. Revy chum so. 11 00:01:06,483 --> 00:01:08,189 And what's your name? 12 00:01:08,235 --> 00:01:09,975 Hamrag. Hamrag Yatlerot. 13 00:01:10,028 --> 00:01:11,564 Well, Graham, nice to have you on the show. 14 00:01:11,613 --> 00:01:12,648 Now, where do you come from? 15 00:01:12,698 --> 00:01:14,654 -Uh, Bumcreland. -Cumberland? 16 00:01:14,700 --> 00:01:17,032 Staht sit sepreicly. 17 00:01:17,077 --> 00:01:20,319 And I believe you're working on an anagram version of Shakespeare? 18 00:01:20,330 --> 00:01:22,286 Sey, sey, taht si crreoct. 19 00:01:22,332 --> 00:01:26,075 Uh, ta the mnemot l'm wroking on The Mating of the Wersh. 20 00:01:26,128 --> 00:01:28,494 The Mating of the Wersh, by William Shakespeare? 21 00:01:28,505 --> 00:01:31,542 -Nay, by Malliwi Rapessheake. -Ah. 22 00:01:31,592 --> 00:01:33,253 And, uh, what else? 23 00:01:33,302 --> 00:01:36,169 Uh, Two Net/emeg of Verona, Twelfth Thing 24 00:01:36,179 --> 00:01:37,464 The Chamrent of Venice. 25 00:01:37,514 --> 00:01:39,175 -Have you done Hamlet? -Thamel. 26 00:01:39,224 --> 00:01:42,387 "Be ot or bot ne ot, tath is the noestqui." 27 00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:45,511 And what is your next project? 28 00:01:45,564 --> 00:01:47,805 Uh, Ring Kichard the Thrid. 29 00:01:47,858 --> 00:01:49,314 I'm sorry? 30 00:01:49,359 --> 00:01:51,691 "A shroe! A shroe! My dingkom for a shroe." 31 00:01:51,737 --> 00:01:53,648 Ah, ha, ha. 32 00:01:53,697 --> 00:01:55,528 Ring Kichard, yes. 33 00:01:55,532 --> 00:01:57,523 But surely that's not an anagram, that's a spoonerism. 34 00:01:57,534 --> 00:02:00,025 If you're gonna split hairs, I'm gonna piss off. 35 00:02:01,204 --> 00:02:03,411 [PLAYING FAN FARE] 36 00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:08,037 -And now... -lt's.... 37 00:02:08,045 --> 00:02:10,206 [J‘J‘J‘] 38 00:02:39,368 --> 00:02:42,235 ANNOUNCER: Tony M. Nyphot's Flying Risccu. 39 00:02:42,287 --> 00:02:44,073 [J‘J‘J‘] 40 00:02:44,081 --> 00:02:47,164 Mrs. Scab, you have 12 hours to beat the clock. 41 00:03:00,722 --> 00:03:02,258 Correct! 42 00:03:02,265 --> 00:03:04,096 I've done it. I've done it. 43 00:03:04,101 --> 00:03:05,966 [SCREAMS AND LAUGHS] 44 00:03:07,437 --> 00:03:09,052 [TELEPHONE RINGS] 45 00:03:10,774 --> 00:03:12,230 Hello? 46 00:03:12,275 --> 00:03:14,436 Ah, Mr. Victim, yes, I'm glad to say 47 00:03:14,444 --> 00:03:17,527 that I've got the go-ahead to lend you the money you require, yes. 48 00:03:17,572 --> 00:03:19,278 Uh, we will, of course, want as security 49 00:03:19,324 --> 00:03:21,690 the deeds of your house, of your aunt's house, 50 00:03:21,743 --> 00:03:23,734 of your second cousin's house, 51 00:03:23,787 --> 00:03:27,279 of your wife's parents' house and of your granny's bungalow. 52 00:03:27,332 --> 00:03:29,448 And, uh, we will, in addition, 53 00:03:29,459 --> 00:03:32,451 need a controlling interest in your new company, 54 00:03:32,462 --> 00:03:35,329 uh, unrestricted access to your private bank account, 55 00:03:35,382 --> 00:03:38,294 the deposit in our vaults of your three children as hostages, 56 00:03:38,343 --> 00:03:41,506 and a full legal indemnity against any acts of embezzlement 57 00:03:41,555 --> 00:03:44,012 carried out against you by any members of our staff 58 00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:46,298 during the normal course of their duties. 59 00:03:47,477 --> 00:03:50,594 No, we couldn't accept your dog instead of your youngest child. 60 00:03:50,647 --> 00:03:52,763 We would like to suggest a brand-new scheme of ours, 61 00:03:52,816 --> 00:03:56,604 under which 51 percent of both your dog and your wife pass to us 62 00:03:56,653 --> 00:04:00,020 in the event of your suffering a serious accident. 63 00:04:00,031 --> 00:04:02,693 Fine. No, not at all. Nice to do business with you. 64 00:04:04,119 --> 00:04:05,655 Uh... 65 00:04:05,704 --> 00:04:09,492 Miss Godfrey, could you send in Mr. Ford, please? 66 00:04:09,499 --> 00:04:11,080 Now, where's that dictionary? 67 00:04:11,126 --> 00:04:14,368 Ah, yes, here we are. Oh, dear. 68 00:04:14,421 --> 00:04:15,752 Inner life... 69 00:04:15,797 --> 00:04:17,082 [CLEARS THROAT] 70 00:04:17,132 --> 00:04:18,588 -lnner life... -[KNOCKING] 71 00:04:18,633 --> 00:04:19,998 Come in! 72 00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:24,257 Ah, uh, Mr. Ford, isn't it? 73 00:04:24,306 --> 00:04:25,466 -That's right, yes. -How do you do? 74 00:04:25,515 --> 00:04:26,595 I'm a merchant banker. 75 00:04:26,641 --> 00:04:28,347 How do you do, Mr...? 76 00:04:28,393 --> 00:04:30,133 Um, I forget my name for the moment, 77 00:04:30,187 --> 00:04:32,052 but I am a merchant banker. 78 00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:34,016 I wondered whether you'd like to contribute 79 00:04:34,024 --> 00:04:35,355 to the orphans' home? 80 00:04:36,318 --> 00:04:38,559 Well, I don't wanna show my hand too early, 81 00:04:38,612 --> 00:04:40,523 but, actually, here at Slater Nazi, 82 00:04:40,572 --> 00:04:42,608 we are quite keen to get into orphans. 83 00:04:42,657 --> 00:04:45,148 You know, uh, developing market and all that. 84 00:04:45,202 --> 00:04:46,533 What sort of sum did you have in mind? 85 00:04:46,578 --> 00:04:48,660 Well, uh, you're a rich man. 86 00:04:48,705 --> 00:04:50,787 Yes, I am. Yes, yes. 87 00:04:50,832 --> 00:04:53,244 Very, very rich. 88 00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:54,783 Quite phenomenally wealthy, yes. 89 00:04:54,836 --> 00:04:58,044 I do-- I do own the most startling quantities of cash. 90 00:04:58,048 --> 00:04:59,504 Yes, quite right. 91 00:04:59,549 --> 00:05:01,414 You're rather a smart young lad, aren't you? 92 00:05:01,468 --> 00:05:04,130 We could do with you to feed the pantomime horse. 93 00:05:04,179 --> 00:05:06,044 -Very smart. -Thank you, sir. 94 00:05:06,056 --> 00:05:08,263 Now, you were saying, I'm-- l'm-- I'm very, very, very, 95 00:05:08,308 --> 00:05:11,516 very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very rich. 96 00:05:11,561 --> 00:05:14,177 So, um, how about a pound? 97 00:05:14,231 --> 00:05:15,971 A pound. Yes, I see. 98 00:05:16,024 --> 00:05:17,764 Now, uh, this loan would be secured by the poor-- 99 00:05:17,984 --> 00:05:20,020 It's not-- It's not a loan, sir. 100 00:05:20,070 --> 00:05:22,652 -What? -lt's not a loan. 101 00:05:22,697 --> 00:05:23,982 Ah. 102 00:05:24,032 --> 00:05:26,023 You get one of these, sir. 103 00:05:28,745 --> 00:05:30,986 It's a bit small for a share certificate, isn't it? 104 00:05:31,039 --> 00:05:34,406 Look, um, lthink-- I think I'd better run this over to our Legal Department. 105 00:05:34,459 --> 00:05:36,370 If you could possibly pop back on Friday-- 106 00:05:36,419 --> 00:05:37,750 Do you-- Do you have to that? 107 00:05:37,796 --> 00:05:39,457 Couldn't you just give me the pound? 108 00:05:39,506 --> 00:05:41,713 Yes, but, you-- You see, I don't know what it's for. 109 00:05:41,758 --> 00:05:43,544 Well, it's for the orphans. 110 00:05:43,593 --> 00:05:45,458 Yes? 111 00:05:45,512 --> 00:05:46,547 It's a gift. 112 00:05:46,596 --> 00:05:49,429 -A what? -A-- A gift. 113 00:05:49,474 --> 00:05:50,509 [RATTLES] 114 00:05:50,559 --> 00:05:52,095 -Oh, a gift! -Yes. 115 00:05:52,102 --> 00:05:54,388 -A tax dodge. -No, no, no, no. 116 00:05:54,437 --> 00:05:56,348 No? Then, well, I'm awfully sorry, I don't understand. 117 00:05:56,398 --> 00:05:58,354 Um, can you just explain exactly what you want? 118 00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:00,982 Well, Iwant you to give me a pound 119 00:06:01,027 --> 00:06:04,690 and then I go away and give it to the orphans. 120 00:06:07,284 --> 00:06:09,696 Well, that's it. 121 00:06:09,744 --> 00:06:11,484 No,no,no, I don't follow this at all. 122 00:06:11,538 --> 00:06:13,699 I mean, um-- I don't want to seem stupid, 123 00:06:13,748 --> 00:06:16,581 but it looks to me as though I'm a pound down on the whole deal. 124 00:06:16,626 --> 00:06:18,332 Well, yes, you are. 125 00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:19,993 I am? 126 00:06:20,046 --> 00:06:21,786 Well, what is my incentive to give you the pound? 127 00:06:21,965 --> 00:06:24,752 Well, the incentive is to make the orphans happy. 128 00:06:24,801 --> 00:06:26,507 Happy? 129 00:06:28,013 --> 00:06:29,753 You quite sure you've got this right? 130 00:06:30,765 --> 00:06:32,721 Yes, lots of people give me money. 131 00:06:32,767 --> 00:06:34,553 -What, just like that? -Well, yes. 132 00:06:34,603 --> 00:06:36,013 Must be sick. 133 00:06:37,606 --> 00:06:39,142 Uh, I don't suppose you could give me 134 00:06:39,190 --> 00:06:41,306 a list of their names and addresses, could you? 135 00:06:41,359 --> 00:06:45,318 No. No, ljust go up to them in the street and ask. 136 00:06:45,322 --> 00:06:47,483 Good Lord. 137 00:06:48,575 --> 00:06:52,568 That's the most exciting new idea I've heard in years. 138 00:06:52,621 --> 00:06:55,408 lt's-- It's so simple it's brilliant! 139 00:06:55,457 --> 00:06:58,199 Well, if that idea of yours isn't worth a pound 140 00:06:58,251 --> 00:07:00,162 -I'd like to know what is. -Oh, thank you, sir. 141 00:07:00,211 --> 00:07:02,293 The only trouble is, 142 00:07:02,339 --> 00:07:05,502 you gave me the idea before I'd given you the pound. 143 00:07:05,508 --> 00:07:06,998 And that's not good business. 144 00:07:07,010 --> 00:07:08,295 Isn't it? 145 00:07:08,345 --> 00:07:09,585 No, I'm afraid it isn't. 146 00:07:09,638 --> 00:07:12,596 So, um, off you go. 147 00:07:12,641 --> 00:07:14,177 [SCREAMS] 148 00:07:16,061 --> 00:07:19,303 -Nice to do business with you. -Anyway-- 149 00:07:19,356 --> 00:07:21,347 And off we go again. 150 00:07:21,399 --> 00:07:23,105 Uh, Miss Godfrey. 151 00:07:23,151 --> 00:07:25,358 Uh, could you send in the pantomime horses, please? 152 00:07:25,403 --> 00:07:28,065 [J‘J‘J‘] 153 00:07:34,037 --> 00:07:36,198 -Now, I've asked you in here-- -[J‘J‘J‘] 154 00:07:42,379 --> 00:07:43,664 -Now, I've asked you-- -[J‘J‘J‘] 155 00:07:43,713 --> 00:07:45,123 Shut up! 156 00:07:48,385 --> 00:07:50,296 Now, I've asked you in here to see me this morning 157 00:07:50,345 --> 00:07:55,055 because I'm afraid we're going to have to let one of you go. 158 00:07:55,100 --> 00:07:58,092 I'm very sorry, but the present rationalization of this firm 159 00:07:58,144 --> 00:08:01,102 makes it inevitable that we hive one of you off. 160 00:08:05,568 --> 00:08:07,229 Now, you may think that this is very harsh behaviour, 161 00:08:07,278 --> 00:08:09,985 but let me tell you that our management consultants 162 00:08:10,031 --> 00:08:12,067 actually queried the necessity 163 00:08:12,117 --> 00:08:14,403 for us to employ a pantomime horse at all. 164 00:08:16,413 --> 00:08:19,701 And so the decision has to be made which one of you is to go. 165 00:08:19,749 --> 00:08:22,957 Champion, how many years have you been with this firm? 166 00:08:26,297 --> 00:08:27,412 Trigger? 167 00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:34,590 I see. Well, it's a difficult decision. 168 00:08:34,597 --> 00:08:37,009 But in accordance with our traditional principles 169 00:08:37,058 --> 00:08:39,424 of free enterprise and healthy competition, 170 00:08:39,436 --> 00:08:42,428 I'm going to ask the two of you to fight to the death for it. 171 00:08:48,111 --> 00:08:50,523 No, I'm afraid there's no redundancy scheme. 172 00:08:53,658 --> 00:08:57,276 GERMAN ANNOUNCER: In the hard and unrelenting world of nature, 173 00:08:57,328 --> 00:09:00,661 the ceaseless struggle for survival continues. 174 00:09:00,707 --> 00:09:04,575 This time, one of the pantomime horses concedes defeat 175 00:09:04,627 --> 00:09:07,960 and so lives to fight another day. 176 00:09:07,964 --> 00:09:09,625 [J‘J‘J‘] 177 00:09:09,674 --> 00:09:14,338 Here, in a colony of sea lions, we see a huge bull sea lion 178 00:09:14,387 --> 00:09:17,003 seeing off an intruding bull 179 00:09:17,057 --> 00:09:21,050 who is attempting to intrude on his harem. 180 00:09:21,102 --> 00:09:24,094 This pattern of aggressive behavior 181 00:09:24,147 --> 00:09:27,139 is typical of these documentaries. 182 00:09:27,192 --> 00:09:29,274 Here we see two limpets 183 00:09:29,319 --> 00:09:32,686 locked in a life-or-death struggle for territory. 184 00:09:32,739 --> 00:09:36,357 The huge bull limpet, enraged by the rock, 185 00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:39,446 endeavors to encircle its sprightly opponent. 186 00:09:41,122 --> 00:09:43,283 Here we see an ant. 187 00:09:43,333 --> 00:09:48,327 This ant is engaged in a life-or—death struggle with the wolf. 188 00:09:48,379 --> 00:09:53,499 You can see the ant creeping up on the wolf on all sixes. 189 00:09:53,510 --> 00:09:56,377 Now he stops to observe. 190 00:09:56,429 --> 00:09:59,136 Satisfied that the wolf has not heard him, 191 00:09:59,182 --> 00:10:01,468 he approaches nearer. 192 00:10:01,518 --> 00:10:04,601 With great skill he chooses his moment and then, 193 00:10:04,646 --> 00:10:07,513 quick as a limpet, with one mighty bound, 194 00:10:07,565 --> 00:10:11,274 buries his fangs in the wolf's neck. 195 00:10:11,319 --> 00:10:13,685 The wolf struggles to no avail. 196 00:10:13,738 --> 00:10:17,822 A battle of this kind can take anything up to 15 years 197 00:10:18,034 --> 00:10:22,073 because the timber ant has such a tiny mouth. 198 00:10:22,122 --> 00:10:26,491 Here we see Heinz Sielmann engaged in a life-or—death struggle with Peter Scott. 199 00:10:26,543 --> 00:10:28,750 They are engaged in a bitter punch-up 200 00:10:28,795 --> 00:10:31,332 over repeat fees on the overseas sales 201 00:10:31,381 --> 00:10:33,337 of their nature documentaries. 202 00:10:33,383 --> 00:10:37,046 Now they have been joined by an enraged Jacques Cousteau. 203 00:10:37,053 --> 00:10:39,385 This is typical of the harsh and bitchy world 204 00:10:39,389 --> 00:10:41,630 of television features. 205 00:10:41,683 --> 00:10:43,469 Here we see a honey bear 206 00:10:43,518 --> 00:10:46,430 not engaged in a life-or-death struggle about anything. 207 00:10:46,479 --> 00:10:49,687 These honey bears are placid and peaceful creatures 208 00:10:49,732 --> 00:10:51,597 and, consequently, bad television. 209 00:10:52,819 --> 00:10:54,855 Here we see a pantomime horse. 210 00:10:55,071 --> 00:10:56,857 It is engaged in a life-or-death struggle 211 00:10:57,073 --> 00:10:58,813 for a job with a merchant bank. 212 00:10:58,867 --> 00:11:01,199 However, his rival employee, 213 00:11:01,244 --> 00:11:03,326 the huge bull pantomime horse, 214 00:11:03,371 --> 00:11:05,987 is lying in wait for him. 215 00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:07,621 Poor pantomime horse. 216 00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:10,079 Here, we see a pantomime goose 217 00:11:10,128 --> 00:11:13,996 engaged in a life-or-death struggle with Terence Rattigan. 218 00:11:14,048 --> 00:11:16,255 The enraged goose fires. 219 00:11:16,301 --> 00:11:18,292 [BOINGS] 220 00:11:18,344 --> 00:11:20,084 Poor Terence. 221 00:11:21,472 --> 00:11:24,680 Another victim of this silly film. 222 00:11:24,726 --> 00:11:28,389 Here we see an enraged pantomime Princess Margaret. 223 00:11:28,438 --> 00:11:31,100 She is lying in wait for her breakfast. 224 00:11:31,107 --> 00:11:35,441 The unsuspecting breakfast glides ever closer to its doom. 225 00:11:35,445 --> 00:11:37,731 The enraged pantomime royal person 226 00:11:37,780 --> 00:11:39,316 is poised for the kill. 227 00:11:39,365 --> 00:11:41,731 She raises her harpoon and fires. 228 00:11:41,784 --> 00:11:42,773 Ping! 229 00:11:42,785 --> 00:11:44,571 Right in the toast. 230 00:11:44,621 --> 00:11:47,078 A brief struggle and all is over. 231 00:11:47,123 --> 00:11:50,160 -Poor breakfast. Another victim of the-- -[SCREAMS] 232 00:11:51,211 --> 00:11:53,418 [FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING] 233 00:11:54,380 --> 00:11:56,086 [G ROANS] 234 00:12:04,224 --> 00:12:07,011 Oh, the pantomime flea has caught himself 235 00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:08,641 a nice little dinner, Fred. 236 00:12:08,686 --> 00:12:12,178 [ROARING] 237 00:12:13,650 --> 00:12:16,517 I think the dining room wants his din-dins too. 238 00:12:16,569 --> 00:12:18,525 Your turn today, dear. 239 00:12:19,572 --> 00:12:21,153 [WOMAN SCREAMING] 240 00:12:27,664 --> 00:12:28,699 [BURPS] 241 00:12:28,748 --> 00:12:31,205 [ROARING] 242 00:12:33,294 --> 00:12:36,411 All right, Mr. Bedroom, you'll get your dinner too. 243 00:12:37,507 --> 00:12:39,748 [MAN SCREAMING] 244 00:12:43,388 --> 00:12:44,594 [DOORBELL RINGS] 245 00:12:44,639 --> 00:12:45,799 Postman. 246 00:12:45,848 --> 00:12:48,180 [POSTMAN SCREAMING] 247 00:12:54,065 --> 00:12:57,102 [HUMMING "GREENSLEEVES"] 248 00:13:05,660 --> 00:13:07,150 [G ROWLS] 249 00:13:07,203 --> 00:13:09,410 -[SCREAMING] -[GROWLING] 250 00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:17,206 -[ROARS] -[SCREAMING] 251 00:13:17,255 --> 00:13:21,214 WOMAN: Oh, the 69's late again. 252 00:13:21,259 --> 00:13:23,500 -[ROARS] -[GROUP SCREAMING] 253 00:13:40,028 --> 00:13:42,565 [TOILET FLUSHES] 254 00:13:45,742 --> 00:13:48,484 [GROANING] 255 00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:54,747 You hear that, Tim? 256 00:13:54,751 --> 00:13:56,332 Yep. 257 00:13:56,377 --> 00:13:58,743 Could just be the house we're lookin' for. 258 00:14:01,215 --> 00:14:05,333 ANNOUNCER: This, then, is the story of two desperate men 259 00:14:05,386 --> 00:14:10,130 hired by the good people at NCP Car Parks 260 00:14:10,183 --> 00:14:12,390 to hunt down and destroy 261 00:14:12,435 --> 00:14:15,472 houses too dangerous to live. 262 00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:24,106 MAN 1: Well, what do you think? 263 00:14:24,113 --> 00:14:27,025 MAN 2: Oh, these are house droppings, all right. 264 00:14:27,075 --> 00:14:28,690 Fresh ones too. 265 00:14:28,743 --> 00:14:30,529 MAN 1: Okay, let's go. 266 00:14:33,664 --> 00:14:35,575 Psst. Over here. 267 00:14:35,625 --> 00:14:37,035 That's the one. 268 00:14:37,085 --> 00:14:39,246 Cover me. I'm gonna make a try for it. 269 00:14:39,295 --> 00:14:41,786 [HOUSE SNORING] 270 00:14:46,803 --> 00:14:48,339 [PANTING] 271 00:14:58,356 --> 00:15:01,268 [BOTH SQUEALING GLEEFULLY] 272 00:15:01,317 --> 00:15:03,228 Get away! Hey! 273 00:15:03,277 --> 00:15:05,063 [BOTH LAUGHING] 274 00:15:06,072 --> 00:15:08,063 [BUZZING] 275 00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:28,758 ANNOUNCER: And so, thanks once again to the unceasing efforts 276 00:15:28,803 --> 00:15:32,170 of the good people at NCP Car Parks, 277 00:15:32,223 --> 00:15:35,681 the world is made just a little bit safer. 278 00:15:35,685 --> 00:15:37,550 [J‘J‘J‘] 279 00:15:43,734 --> 00:15:46,100 [J‘J‘J‘] 280 00:16:14,223 --> 00:16:17,215 ANNOUNCER: Sketchjust starting, actor wanted. 281 00:16:22,356 --> 00:16:24,392 -Good-- Good morning. -Morning, sir. 282 00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:26,561 -I'd like to join the army, please. -I see. 283 00:16:26,569 --> 00:16:29,231 Uh, short service or long service commission, sir? 284 00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:31,271 Um, long as possible, please. 285 00:16:31,324 --> 00:16:33,781 Right, well, I'll just take a few particulars and then-- 286 00:16:48,341 --> 00:16:49,421 Shove off! 287 00:16:56,015 --> 00:16:58,301 And then there'll be a few forms to sign. 288 00:16:58,351 --> 00:17:00,182 Of course, we'll need some references and then a full medical examination by-- 289 00:17:00,228 --> 00:17:02,093 Yes, I see. I-- l was just wondering 290 00:17:02,104 --> 00:17:06,973 whether it would be possible for me to join the women's army? 291 00:17:08,611 --> 00:17:10,522 The Women's Royal Army Corps, sir? 292 00:17:10,571 --> 00:17:13,734 Yes, |-- l was just thinking, you know, if it was possible 293 00:17:13,783 --> 00:17:15,489 for me to have my choice, 294 00:17:15,535 --> 00:17:19,278 I'd prefer to be in the Women's Royal Amy Corps. 295 00:17:19,288 --> 00:17:21,700 Well, I'm afraid that the people that recruit here 296 00:17:21,749 --> 00:17:24,115 normally go straight into the Scots Guards. 297 00:17:24,126 --> 00:17:25,991 Uh, which is all men, lsuppose? 298 00:17:26,045 --> 00:17:27,160 Yes, it is. 299 00:17:27,213 --> 00:17:28,544 Yes. 300 00:17:28,589 --> 00:17:30,454 Are there any regiments which are more... 301 00:17:30,466 --> 00:17:32,172 effeminate than others? 302 00:17:34,011 --> 00:17:37,253 Well, no, sir. I mean, apart from the marines, they're all dead butch. 303 00:17:38,224 --> 00:17:40,465 See, what I-- I really wanted was a regiment 304 00:17:40,518 --> 00:17:43,385 where I could be really quiet and have more time to myself 305 00:17:43,437 --> 00:17:47,646 to work with fabrics and creating new concepts in interior design. 306 00:17:47,692 --> 00:17:51,150 Working with fabrics and experimenting with interior design? 307 00:17:51,195 --> 00:17:52,685 Yes. 308 00:17:52,738 --> 00:17:54,478 Oh, well, you want the Durham Light Infantry, then. 309 00:17:54,490 --> 00:17:56,606 -Oh. -Oh, yes. 310 00:17:56,659 --> 00:17:59,321 That's the only regiment that's really doing something new with design, 311 00:17:59,328 --> 00:18:02,161 with color, texture and line and that. Oh, yeah. 312 00:18:03,958 --> 00:18:06,665 I mean, their use of color with fabrics is fantastic. 313 00:18:06,669 --> 00:18:08,330 I saw their pattern book the other day. 314 00:18:08,337 --> 00:18:10,043 Beautiful, beautiful. 315 00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:12,626 Savage tans, great slabs of black 316 00:18:12,675 --> 00:18:14,666 set against aggressive orange. 317 00:18:14,677 --> 00:18:16,383 It really makes you want to shout out, 318 00:18:16,429 --> 00:18:19,512 -"This is good! This is real!" -Really? 319 00:18:19,515 --> 00:18:23,007 Oh, yes. I mean, The lnniskilling Fusiliers and Anglian regiment are all right, 320 00:18:23,060 --> 00:18:25,472 if you're interested in the art nouveau William Morris revival bit. 321 00:18:25,521 --> 00:18:27,728 But if you really want a regiment of the line 322 00:18:27,773 --> 00:18:31,061 that is really saying something about interior decor, 323 00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:33,692 then you've got to go for the Durham Light Infantry. 324 00:18:33,696 --> 00:18:36,153 I've had enough of this, I'm handing in my notice. 325 00:18:36,198 --> 00:18:38,359 -What do you mean? -Well, I mean, when I applied for this job, 326 00:18:40,077 --> 00:18:42,033 but you end up doing the whole thing. 327 00:18:42,079 --> 00:18:43,535 My last five speeches have been: 328 00:18:43,581 --> 00:18:46,197 "Really. Really. I see. I see," and, "Really." 329 00:18:46,208 --> 00:18:47,664 I wouldn't give those lines to a dog. 330 00:18:47,710 --> 00:18:50,076 All right! All right. All right, sonny. 331 00:18:50,129 --> 00:18:52,495 I'll tell you what, we'll do something different. 332 00:18:52,548 --> 00:18:56,336 I'll be a bus conductor and you can be a really funny passenger on a bus. 333 00:18:59,639 --> 00:19:02,005 Any more fares, please? I've got a chauffeur, 334 00:19:02,058 --> 00:19:04,390 and every time I go to the lavatory he drives me potty. 335 00:19:04,435 --> 00:19:06,266 Boom, boom. One in a row. 336 00:19:06,312 --> 00:19:08,644 -J‘ I'm not unusual, l'm-- J‘ -Fivepenny, please. 337 00:19:09,732 --> 00:19:11,597 Five beautiful pennies going into the bag, 338 00:19:11,651 --> 00:19:13,266 and you are the lucky winner of... 339 00:19:13,319 --> 00:19:15,059 one fivepenny ticket. 340 00:19:16,072 --> 00:19:17,983 What's the Welshman doing under the bed? 341 00:19:18,032 --> 00:19:19,238 He's having a leak. 342 00:19:19,241 --> 00:19:20,651 Oh, they're all in here tonight. 343 00:19:20,701 --> 00:19:22,441 [LAUGHING, CLAPPING] 344 00:19:22,495 --> 00:19:24,736 -Look! -I am looking. 345 00:19:24,955 --> 00:19:27,037 It's the only way I can keep my eyelids apart. 346 00:19:27,083 --> 00:19:29,699 Boom, boom. Everyone a Maserati! 347 00:19:29,752 --> 00:19:32,459 Look, you said I was gonna be a funny passenger. 348 00:19:32,505 --> 00:19:34,291 -What do you mean? -Well, all I said was, 349 00:19:34,340 --> 00:19:37,127 "Fivepenny, please." You can't call that a funny line. 350 00:19:37,176 --> 00:19:38,461 Well, it's the way you said it. 351 00:19:38,511 --> 00:19:40,376 No, it isn't! 352 00:19:40,429 --> 00:19:42,511 Nobody can say, "Fivepenny, please," and make it funny. 353 00:19:42,556 --> 00:19:44,387 Fivepenny, please. 354 00:19:44,433 --> 00:19:47,175 [LAUGHING, CLAPPING] 355 00:19:56,696 --> 00:19:58,607 -Morning. -[LAUGHING] 356 00:20:11,460 --> 00:20:13,166 Not so warm today, eh, George? 357 00:20:13,212 --> 00:20:15,624 [LAUGHING] 358 00:20:24,515 --> 00:20:26,631 -Good morning. -MAN 1: Good morning. 359 00:20:26,684 --> 00:20:28,265 -WOMAN: Good morning. -MAN 2: Good morning. 360 00:20:28,310 --> 00:20:30,551 [LAUGHING] 361 00:20:36,318 --> 00:20:37,808 [KNOCKING] 362 00:20:38,028 --> 00:20:39,643 Come in, Mr. Horton. 363 00:20:42,283 --> 00:20:43,318 Morning, sir. 364 00:20:43,325 --> 00:20:45,566 [SNORTS] 365 00:20:45,619 --> 00:20:47,655 [CLEARS THROAT] 366 00:20:47,705 --> 00:20:50,242 Do, uh-- Do sit down. 367 00:20:50,291 --> 00:20:52,327 -Thank you, sir. -[SNORTS] 368 00:20:54,253 --> 00:20:55,663 [CLEARS THROAT] 369 00:20:55,671 --> 00:20:57,127 Now then, Horton, 370 00:20:57,173 --> 00:20:59,164 you've been with us for 20 years, 371 00:20:59,175 --> 00:21:01,166 and your work in the Accounts Department has been immaculate. 372 00:21:01,177 --> 00:21:03,259 [GIGGLING] No, no, please don't say anything. 373 00:21:03,304 --> 00:21:06,091 As I say, your work has been beyond reproach. 374 00:21:08,058 --> 00:21:10,299 But unfortunately, the effect you're having on your colleagues 375 00:21:10,352 --> 00:21:13,719 has undermined the competence-- [SNICKERING] 376 00:21:13,773 --> 00:21:15,684 Has undermined the competence of this firm 377 00:21:15,691 --> 00:21:19,058 to such a point that I'm afraid I've got no option... 378 00:21:20,112 --> 00:21:21,192 ...but to sack you. 379 00:21:22,406 --> 00:21:24,362 -I'm sorry to hear that, sir. -[SNORTS] 380 00:21:24,408 --> 00:21:26,444 It couldn't have come at a worse time. 381 00:21:26,494 --> 00:21:28,155 [LAUGHS] 382 00:21:28,204 --> 00:21:30,115 There's school fees for the two boys coming up, 383 00:21:30,164 --> 00:21:33,372 and the wife's treatment costing more now, sir. 384 00:21:33,375 --> 00:21:36,287 I don't know where the money's coming from as it is, and now... 385 00:21:36,337 --> 00:21:38,453 I don't see any future. 386 00:21:38,506 --> 00:21:41,088 I'd been hoping I might be able to hang on here 387 00:21:41,133 --> 00:21:43,044 just for the last couple of years, 388 00:21:43,093 --> 00:21:44,754 but now I-- 389 00:21:44,804 --> 00:21:48,046 -| just want to go out and end it all. -[LAUGHING] 390 00:21:48,057 --> 00:21:49,718 [LAUGHING, CLAPPING] 391 00:21:49,725 --> 00:21:52,057 Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. 392 00:21:52,061 --> 00:21:53,426 And now for the fish. 393 00:21:53,479 --> 00:21:55,390 The fish down the trousers. 394 00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:00,061 It's your laugh, mate, it's not mine. 395 00:22:00,110 --> 00:22:02,442 It's your trousers, not my trousers, your trousers. 396 00:22:02,488 --> 00:22:04,524 And now for the whitewash. 397 00:22:04,573 --> 00:22:06,404 The whitewash over you. 398 00:22:07,535 --> 00:22:09,241 Not over me. It's over you. 399 00:22:09,245 --> 00:22:11,452 You get the laughs. You get all the laughs. 400 00:22:11,497 --> 00:22:14,239 And now for the custard pie in the mush. 401 00:22:15,417 --> 00:22:17,408 It's not my mush, it's your mush. 402 00:22:17,461 --> 00:22:20,328 It's your laugh. It's your laugh, mate, it's not mine. 403 00:22:20,381 --> 00:22:21,996 It's your bleeding laugh. 404 00:22:25,553 --> 00:22:28,044 [J‘J‘J‘] 405 00:22:34,687 --> 00:22:36,143 Good evening. 406 00:22:36,188 --> 00:22:37,428 Tonight we're going to talk about-- 407 00:22:37,439 --> 00:22:39,054 That is, I'm going to talk about-- 408 00:22:39,108 --> 00:22:40,723 Well, actually, I'm talking about it now. Ha. 409 00:22:40,776 --> 00:22:42,767 I'm not talking about it now, but I am talking. 410 00:22:45,531 --> 00:22:49,240 but the pauses are part of the whole process of talking. 411 00:22:49,285 --> 00:22:50,525 When one talks, one has to pause. 412 00:22:50,578 --> 00:22:52,114 Uh, like then. 413 00:22:52,121 --> 00:22:53,531 l paused, but I was still talking. 414 00:22:53,581 --> 00:22:55,117 And again there. 415 00:22:55,124 --> 00:22:57,456 Well, no, the real point of what I'm saying is, 416 00:22:57,459 --> 00:22:59,791 that when I appear not to be talking, don't go nipping out to the kitchen, 417 00:22:59,795 --> 00:23:02,286 putting the kettle on, buttering scones, 418 00:23:02,298 --> 00:23:07,133 or getting crumbs and bits of food out of those round, brown straw mats 419 00:23:07,177 --> 00:23:09,418 that the teapot goes on, you know, 420 00:23:09,471 --> 00:23:12,679 because in all probability, I'm still talking and what you heard was a pause. 421 00:23:12,725 --> 00:23:15,432 [CLEARS THROAT] Like there again. 422 00:23:15,477 --> 00:23:17,718 Look, to make it absolutely easier, so there's no problem at all, 423 00:23:17,771 --> 00:23:22,231 what I'll do is I'll give you some kind of sign, like this... 424 00:23:22,276 --> 00:23:24,642 while I'm still talking, and only pausing in between words, 425 00:23:24,653 --> 00:23:28,487 and when I've finished altogether, I'll do this, all right? 426 00:23:28,490 --> 00:23:30,481 NO, no, sorry, no, no. 427 00:23:30,492 --> 00:23:33,359 Sorry, just demonstrating. Haven't finished. 428 00:23:33,412 --> 00:23:35,152 Haven't started yet. 429 00:23:35,164 --> 00:23:37,621 Oh, dear. Nearly forgot the gesture. 430 00:23:37,666 --> 00:23:39,657 I hope none of you are nipping out into the kitchen, 431 00:23:39,668 --> 00:23:43,206 getting bits of food out of those round, brown mats, which the... 432 00:23:45,716 --> 00:23:47,547 Good evening. 433 00:23:47,593 --> 00:23:49,549 Tonight, I want to talk about-- 434 00:23:49,595 --> 00:23:51,506 ANNOUNCER: We interrupt this program to annoy you 435 00:23:51,555 --> 00:23:53,762 and make things general/y irritating for you. 436 00:23:54,850 --> 00:23:57,762 --with a large piece of wet paper. 437 00:23:59,146 --> 00:24:00,977 Turn the paper over-- 438 00:24:01,023 --> 00:24:04,265 Turn the paper over, keeping your eye on the camel, 439 00:24:04,318 --> 00:24:07,025 and paste down the edge of the sailor's uniform 440 00:24:07,071 --> 00:24:10,563 until the word "maudling" is almost totally obscured. 441 00:24:12,701 --> 00:24:14,737 Well, that's one way of doing it. 442 00:24:15,704 --> 00:24:17,695 ANNOUNCER 1: Good evening. We interrupt this program again. 443 00:24:17,748 --> 00:24:20,239 "A". to irritate you, and "B". to provide work 444 00:24:20,292 --> 00:24:22,408 for one of our announcers. 445 00:24:22,461 --> 00:24:24,167 AN NOUNCER 2: Good evening. I'm the announcer 446 00:24:24,213 --> 00:24:26,795 who's just been given this job by the BBC. 447 00:24:27,007 --> 00:24:30,716 And I'd just like to say how grateful I am to the BBC for providing me with work, 448 00:24:30,719 --> 00:24:35,588 particularly at this time of year when things are a bit thin for us announcers. 449 00:24:37,059 --> 00:24:38,515 Um... 450 00:24:39,645 --> 00:24:41,806 I don 't know whether I should tell you this, but... 451 00:24:43,273 --> 00:24:46,765 Well, I have been going through a rather tough time recently. 452 00:24:48,153 --> 00:24:50,235 Things have been pretty awful at home. 453 00:24:50,239 --> 00:24:52,525 My wife, Josephine, 454 00:24:52,574 --> 00:24:54,485 "Joe-jums, " as I call her, 455 00:24:54,535 --> 00:24:57,322 -who is also an announcer... -JOSEPHINE: Hello. 456 00:24:57,371 --> 00:24:59,737 ANNOUNCER 2: ...has not been able to announce since our youngest, Clifford, was born 457 00:24:59,748 --> 00:25:05,334 and, well... I've just got no confidence left. 458 00:25:05,379 --> 00:25:07,586 lmean, I can't get up in the morning, 459 00:25:07,589 --> 00:25:10,046 I feel there's nothing worth living for-- 460 00:25:10,092 --> 00:25:12,708 ANNOUNCER 3: Hello, I'm another announcer, my name’s Dick. 461 00:25:12,761 --> 00:25:16,128 Joe-jums just rang me and said Jack was having a bad time with this announcement, 462 00:25:16,181 --> 00:25:18,297 so I've just come to give him a hand. 463 00:25:18,350 --> 00:25:20,511 -How is he, Joe-jums? -JOSEPHINE: Pretty bad, Dick. 464 00:25:20,561 --> 00:25:23,348 D I CK: Jack, it's Dick. 465 00:25:23,397 --> 00:25:26,264 -Do you want me to make the announcement? -JACK: No. 466 00:25:26,275 --> 00:25:29,438 No, Dick, l-- I must do it myself. 467 00:25:29,486 --> 00:25:33,274 It's my last chance with the BBC, I can ’t throw it away. 468 00:25:33,282 --> 00:25:35,113 I've got to do it for-- 469 00:25:35,159 --> 00:25:38,276 For Joe-jums, for the kids. 470 00:25:38,328 --> 00:25:40,785 I've got to go through with it. 471 00:25:40,789 --> 00:25:43,781 DICK: Good man. Now, remember your announcer's training: deep breaths. 472 00:25:44,001 --> 00:25:46,617 And try not to think about what you're saying. 473 00:25:49,798 --> 00:25:53,290 JACK: Good evening. This is BBC 1. 474 00:25:53,343 --> 00:25:54,628 JOSEPHINE: Good luck, Jack. 475 00:25:54,636 --> 00:25:56,718 DICK: Keep going, old boy. 476 00:25:56,764 --> 00:25:58,379 JACK: It's 9:00 477 00:25:58,432 --> 00:26:00,639 and time for the news 478 00:26:00,642 --> 00:26:04,430 read... by Richard Baker. 479 00:26:04,480 --> 00:26:07,142 -JOSEPHINE: You've done it. -DICK: Congratulations, old man! 480 00:26:07,191 --> 00:26:11,480 -JOSEPHINE: Absolutely marvellous. -JACK: Oh, thank God. 481 00:26:11,487 --> 00:26:14,445 JOSEPHINE: Darling, you were brilliant. No, no, it's the best you ever did. 482 00:26:14,490 --> 00:26:16,481 -JACK: Thank God. Really? -JOSEPHINE: It was absolutely superb. 483 00:26:16,533 --> 00:26:19,741 DICK: Here, Joe-jums, have a drink. 484 00:26:19,787 --> 00:26:22,574 For God’s sake, drink this. Seriously, you were fabulous. 485 00:26:22,623 --> 00:26:24,579 Your voice was superb. 486 00:26:24,625 --> 00:26:27,332 -JACK: Didn't it shake too much? -DICK: No, no, no. 487 00:26:27,377 --> 00:26:30,164 -DICK: You were rock solid. -JACK: Thanks very much. 488 00:26:30,172 --> 00:26:32,504 DICK: Listen, I've got Babu on the phone. He’s on red. 489 00:26:32,508 --> 00:26:34,169 -Can you speak to him? -DICK: Can I? 490 00:26:34,176 --> 00:26:35,211 DICK: He really thinks it's marvelous. 491 00:26:35,260 --> 00:26:37,000 JACK: Fantastic. 492 00:26:37,012 --> 00:26:39,173 [ALL TALKING AT ONCE] 493 00:26:39,223 --> 00:26:40,679 JACK: Oh, well, thank you. 494 00:26:40,724 --> 00:26:43,010 DICK: Hey, the least I could do. 495 00:26:43,018 --> 00:26:45,805 DICK: I thought, "I must come over. " 496 00:26:46,021 --> 00:26:47,602 JACK: No, really, thanks. 497 00:26:47,648 --> 00:26:50,606 Oh, l-- I just can't possibly-- 498 00:26:50,651 --> 00:26:53,017 Can't tell you how much that means. 499 00:26:53,070 --> 00:26:55,527 DICK: I think it's the turning point here. I really do. 500 00:26:55,531 --> 00:26:58,193 [ALL CHATTERING] 501 00:27:03,747 --> 00:27:06,204 -JACK: Hello, Reggie. What? -DICK: Is that Gordon on three? 502 00:27:06,250 --> 00:27:08,411 JACK: Yes. Hang on, Reggie. 503 00:27:08,460 --> 00:27:10,200 DICK: Hello, Gordon? 504 00:27:10,254 --> 00:27:12,165 [LAUGHING] 505 00:27:12,214 --> 00:27:16,674 --until the name "Maudling" is almost totally obscured. 506 00:27:16,718 --> 00:27:19,255 That is the ned of the nicro-not wens. 507 00:27:19,304 --> 00:27:21,716 And now it's time for the late-night flim. 508 00:27:21,723 --> 00:27:23,964 [J‘J‘J‘] 509 00:27:59,011 --> 00:28:01,127 [J‘J‘J‘] 510 00:28:03,098 --> 00:28:04,429 Oh... 511 00:28:04,474 --> 00:28:09,468 Oh, pantomime horse, that was wonderful. 512 00:28:09,521 --> 00:28:11,432 Would you like another glass? 513 00:28:11,481 --> 00:28:14,018 Oh, no, no, I mustn't, it makes me throw up. 514 00:28:15,360 --> 00:28:18,022 Oh, I'm so bleeding happy. 515 00:28:18,071 --> 00:28:20,062 Oh, Simone! 516 00:28:20,115 --> 00:28:22,731 Oh, pantomime horse. 517 00:28:22,784 --> 00:28:24,115 Then... 518 00:28:29,291 --> 00:28:31,623 [J‘J‘J‘] 519 00:29:06,286 --> 00:29:09,028 ANNOUNCER: Now, the English pantomime horse has nearly caught up 520 00:29:09,081 --> 00:29:11,663 with the Russian pantomime horse. I think he’s gonna take him any moment-- 521 00:29:11,667 --> 00:29:14,124 But what is this? What is this? 522 00:29:14,169 --> 00:29:16,751 Yes, it’s the pantomime Princess Margaret and the pantomime goose. 523 00:29:16,964 --> 00:29:20,331 And they're attacking the English horse and the Russian pantomime horse has got away. 524 00:29:20,342 --> 00:29:24,085 But who is this? My goodness me, it's the Duke of Kent to the rescue. 525 00:29:24,137 --> 00:29:25,468 It's the Duke of Kent! 526 00:29:25,514 --> 00:29:27,630 [INDISTINCT COMMENTARY] 527 00:29:43,532 --> 00:29:46,274 GERMAN ANNOUNCER: Here you see some English comic actors 528 00:29:46,326 --> 00:29:48,191 engaged in a life-or-death struggle 529 00:29:48,245 --> 00:29:50,486 with a rather weak ending. 530 00:29:50,539 --> 00:29:52,780 This is typical of the zany, madcap world 531 00:29:53,000 --> 00:29:55,207 of the irresistible kooky funsters. 532 00:29:55,252 --> 00:29:57,368 The English pantomime horse wins, 533 00:29:57,421 --> 00:30:00,128 and so is assured of a place in British history 534 00:30:00,173 --> 00:30:02,380 and a steady job in a merchant bank. 535 00:30:02,384 --> 00:30:05,501 Unfortunately, before his pension rights are assured, 536 00:30:05,554 --> 00:30:08,216 he catches bronchitis and dies. 537 00:30:08,223 --> 00:30:10,214 Another victim of the need to finish these shows on time.