1 00:00:31,448 --> 00:00:33,564 [PLAYS FAN FARE] 2 00:00:35,619 --> 00:00:37,780 -And now... -|t's... 3 00:00:37,829 --> 00:00:40,115 [J‘J‘J‘] 4 00:00:42,459 --> 00:00:46,828 ANNOUNCER: Monty Python's Flying Circuses. 5 00:01:11,655 --> 00:01:15,489 MAN: Good evening and welcome to the Arthur Ludlow Memorial Baths, Newport, 6 00:01:15,492 --> 00:01:19,576 for this year’s finals of the All-England Summarize Proust Competition. 7 00:01:19,621 --> 00:01:22,488 As you may remember, each contestant has to give a brief summary 8 00:01:22,541 --> 00:01:25,203 of Proust's A La Recherche du Temps Perdu, 9 00:01:25,252 --> 00:01:28,665 once in a swimsuit and once in evening dress. 10 00:01:28,672 --> 00:01:33,041 The field has now narrowed to three finalists and your judges tonight are: 11 00:01:33,093 --> 00:01:35,835 Alec and Eric Bedser, eX-Surre y cricketers, 12 00:01:36,013 --> 00:01:38,550 Stewart Surridge, eX-captain of Surrey, 13 00:01:38,599 --> 00:01:40,339 Omar Sharif, 14 00:01:40,392 --> 00:01:43,054 Laurie Fish/ock, eX-Surrey opening batsman, 15 00:01:43,103 --> 00:01:45,719 Peter May, the former Surrey and England Captain, 16 00:01:45,772 --> 00:01:48,309 and Yehudi Menuhin, the world-famous violinist 17 00:01:48,358 --> 00:01:51,566 and the president of the Surrey Cricket Club. 18 00:01:51,612 --> 00:01:56,322 And right now, it's time to meet your host for tonight, Arthur Mee! 19 00:01:56,366 --> 00:01:59,199 -[J‘J‘J‘] -Good evening and welcome, 20 00:01:59,244 --> 00:02:00,984 whereas Proust would say... 21 00:02:01,038 --> 00:02:03,279 -[SPEAKS FRENCH] -[APPLAUSE] 22 00:02:07,294 --> 00:02:11,788 Remember, each contestant this evening has a maximum of 15 seconds 23 00:02:12,007 --> 00:02:14,589 to summarize A La Recherche du Temps Perdu 24 00:02:14,635 --> 00:02:19,675 and on the Proustometer over here, you can see exactly how far he gets. 25 00:02:19,723 --> 00:02:22,806 So, let's crack straight on with our first contestant tonight. 26 00:02:23,018 --> 00:02:27,227 He's last year's semi-finalist from Luton, Mr. Harry Bagot. 27 00:02:27,272 --> 00:02:29,103 [APPLAUSE] 28 00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:32,061 Hello, Harry. Now there's the summarizing spot. 29 00:02:32,069 --> 00:02:36,733 You're on the summarizing spot, 15 seconds from... now. 30 00:02:36,782 --> 00:02:40,570 Proust's novel ostensibly tells of the irrevocability of time lost, 31 00:02:40,619 --> 00:02:43,110 the forfeiture of innocence through experience, 32 00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:46,326 the reinstallment of extra-temporal values of time regained. 33 00:02:46,375 --> 00:02:48,366 Ultimately, the novel is both optimistic 34 00:02:48,418 --> 00:02:51,501 and set within the context of a humane religious experience, 35 00:02:51,546 --> 00:02:54,162 re-stating as it does the concept of intemporality. 36 00:02:54,216 --> 00:02:56,582 -In the first volume, Swann, the family friend-- -[GONG] 37 00:02:56,593 --> 00:02:59,426 Well tried, Harry. 38 00:02:59,471 --> 00:03:02,053 MAN: A good attempt there but, unfortunately, he chose a general appraisal of the work, 39 00:03:02,099 --> 00:03:04,306 before getting on to the story. 40 00:03:04,351 --> 00:03:06,967 And, as you can see, he only got as far as page one of Swann’s Way, 41 00:03:07,020 --> 00:03:09,011 the first of the seven volumes. 42 00:03:09,064 --> 00:03:11,396 A good try though and very nice posture. 43 00:03:11,441 --> 00:03:13,352 Harry Bagot, you're from Luton? 44 00:03:13,402 --> 00:03:15,438 Yes, Arthur, yeah. 45 00:03:15,445 --> 00:03:18,357 Now Harry, what made you first want to try and start summarizing Proust? 46 00:03:18,407 --> 00:03:21,444 Well, | first entered a seaside Summarizing Proust Competition 47 00:03:21,451 --> 00:03:23,282 when I was on holiday in Bournemouth, 48 00:03:23,328 --> 00:03:25,410 and my doctor encouraged me with it. 49 00:03:25,455 --> 00:03:29,073 And Harry, what are your hobbies outside summarizing? 50 00:03:29,126 --> 00:03:32,414 Well, strangling animals, golf and masturbating. 51 00:03:32,462 --> 00:03:35,499 Oh, well! Thank you, Harry Bagot. 52 00:03:35,549 --> 00:03:37,631 -MAN: Well, there he goes, Harry Bagot. -[APPLAUSE] 53 00:03:37,634 --> 00:03:40,091 MAN: He must have let himself down a bit on the hobbies, 54 00:03:40,137 --> 00:03:42,594 golf's not very popular around here, 55 00:03:42,639 --> 00:03:45,005 but never mind, a good try. 56 00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:48,141 Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Mr. Rutherford from Leicester! 57 00:03:48,186 --> 00:03:49,471 -Are you ready, Ronald? -Yeah. 58 00:03:49,479 --> 00:03:51,265 Right. On the summarizing spot. 59 00:03:51,314 --> 00:03:55,648 You have 15 seconds from... now. 60 00:03:55,694 --> 00:03:58,026 [STAMMERING] 61 00:03:58,071 --> 00:03:59,777 Swann, Swann! uh, Swann. 62 00:03:59,823 --> 00:04:01,484 There's this house, there's this house, 63 00:04:01,491 --> 00:04:04,278 uh, and... it's in the morning, it's in the morning! 64 00:04:04,327 --> 00:04:06,158 No, no! It's in the evening, in the evening! 65 00:04:06,163 --> 00:04:07,528 Uh, and then there's a garden. 66 00:04:07,581 --> 00:04:10,288 Uh, and this bloke comes in, bloke comes in-- 67 00:04:10,333 --> 00:04:12,289 What's his name? What's his-- Oh, God, just said it. 68 00:04:12,335 --> 00:04:14,041 Big bloke... Swann! Swann! 69 00:04:14,087 --> 00:04:15,623 [GONG] 70 00:04:20,552 --> 00:04:22,508 And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to welcome 71 00:04:22,554 --> 00:04:25,341 the last of our all-England finalists this evening, 72 00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:30,224 and their leader, Superintendent McGough. 73 00:04:30,270 --> 00:04:32,477 -[APPLAUSE] -All right, Bingley, 74 00:04:32,522 --> 00:04:35,559 remember you've got 15 seconds to summarize Proust in his entirety 75 00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:38,225 starting from... now. 76 00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:40,439 J‘ Proust in his first book Wrote about, wrote about J‘ 77 00:04:40,489 --> 00:04:42,354 J‘ Proust in his first book Wrote about J‘ 78 00:04:46,244 --> 00:04:48,155 J‘ He wrote about He wrote about he wrote about J‘ 79 00:04:50,207 --> 00:04:52,289 J‘ Wrote about the-- J‘ 80 00:04:52,334 --> 00:04:54,746 [GONG] 81 00:04:54,795 --> 00:04:57,662 MAN: Very ambitious try there, but, in fact, the least successful of the evening, 82 00:04:57,714 --> 00:05:01,002 they didn't even get as far as the first volume. 83 00:05:01,051 --> 00:05:03,167 Well, ladies and gentlemen, 84 00:05:03,220 --> 00:05:06,303 I don't think any of our contestants this evening 85 00:05:06,348 --> 00:05:11,058 have succeeded in encapsulating the intricacies of Proust's masterwork, 86 00:05:11,102 --> 00:05:14,185 so I'm going to award the first prize this evening 87 00:05:14,231 --> 00:05:16,267 to the girl with the biggest tits. 88 00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:18,227 [LAUGHING] 89 00:05:18,276 --> 00:05:20,267 [J‘J‘J‘] 90 00:05:32,499 --> 00:05:34,410 [THEME MUSIC PLAYS] 91 00:05:51,142 --> 00:05:53,679 [J‘J‘J‘] 92 00:05:53,728 --> 00:05:55,264 MAN: Mount Everest. 93 00:05:55,313 --> 00:05:58,555 Forbidding, aloof, terrifying. 94 00:05:58,608 --> 00:06:01,315 The mountain with the biggest tits in the world. 95 00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:02,521 [GONG] 96 00:06:02,571 --> 00:06:04,436 MAN 2: Start again! 97 00:06:08,785 --> 00:06:10,275 MAN 1: Mount Everest. 98 00:06:10,328 --> 00:06:14,116 Forbidding, aloof, terrifying. 99 00:06:14,165 --> 00:06:17,453 This year, this remote Himalayan mountain, this mystical temple, 100 00:06:17,460 --> 00:06:20,122 surrounded by the most difficult terrain in the world, 101 00:06:20,171 --> 00:06:23,038 repulsed yet another attempt to conquer it. 102 00:06:23,091 --> 00:06:27,050 This time, by the International Hairdresser's Expedition. 103 00:06:27,095 --> 00:06:28,710 In such freezing, adverse conditions, 104 00:06:28,763 --> 00:06:31,596 man comes very close to breaking point. 105 00:06:31,641 --> 00:06:34,974 What was the real cause of the disharmony which destroyed their chances of success? 106 00:06:35,020 --> 00:06:38,433 Well, people keep taking your hairdryer on every turn. 107 00:06:38,481 --> 00:06:40,767 There's a lot of bitching in the tents. 108 00:06:40,817 --> 00:06:42,978 You couldn't get near the mirror. 109 00:06:45,155 --> 00:06:47,646 MAN 1: The leader of the expedition was Colonel Sir John Teasy—Weasy Butler, 110 00:06:47,699 --> 00:06:51,283 veteran K2, Annapurna, and Vidal. 111 00:06:51,328 --> 00:06:54,320 His plan was to ignore the usual route around the South Col 112 00:06:54,331 --> 00:06:56,242 and to make straight for the top. 113 00:06:56,291 --> 00:06:59,203 JOHN: Well, we established Base Salon here, 114 00:06:59,252 --> 00:07:02,961 and climbed quite steadily up to Mario’s, here. 115 00:07:03,006 --> 00:07:06,169 From here, using crampons and cutting ice steps as we went, 116 00:07:06,176 --> 00:07:09,213 we moved steadily up the Lhotse face to the north ridge, 117 00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:12,095 establishing Camp Three, where we could get a hot meal, 118 00:07:12,140 --> 00:07:14,347 a manicure and a shampoo and set. 119 00:07:14,392 --> 00:07:16,098 MAN 1: Could it work? 120 00:07:16,144 --> 00:07:18,260 Could this 18-year old hairdresser from Brixton 121 00:07:18,313 --> 00:07:20,679 succeed where others had failed? 122 00:07:20,732 --> 00:07:24,771 The situation was complicated by the imminent arrival of the monsoon storms. 123 00:07:24,986 --> 00:07:26,692 Patrice takes up the story. 124 00:07:26,696 --> 00:07:30,109 Well, we knew as well as anyone that the monsoons were due. 125 00:07:30,158 --> 00:07:33,366 But the thing was, Ricky and I had just had a blow dry and rinse, 126 00:07:33,411 --> 00:07:35,527 and we couldn't go out for a couple of days. 127 00:07:35,580 --> 00:07:39,072 MAN 1: After a blazing row, the Germans and Italians had turned back, 128 00:07:39,125 --> 00:07:41,081 taking with them the last of the hairnets. 129 00:07:41,127 --> 00:07:43,709 On the third day, a blizzard blew up. 130 00:07:43,755 --> 00:07:46,167 Temperatures fell to minus-30 centigrade. 131 00:07:46,216 --> 00:07:48,673 Inside the little tent, things were getting desperate. 132 00:07:48,718 --> 00:07:50,629 Well, things have got so bad 133 00:07:50,679 --> 00:07:53,512 that we're forced to use the last of the heavy oxygen equipment 134 00:07:53,556 --> 00:07:55,638 just to keep the dryers going. 135 00:07:55,684 --> 00:07:58,517 -WOMAN: Here, love. -Oh, she's a treasure. 136 00:07:58,561 --> 00:08:00,347 Shhh! 137 00:08:00,397 --> 00:08:03,059 MAN 1: But a new factor had entered the race. 138 00:08:03,108 --> 00:08:05,520 A team of French Chiropodists, working with brand-new corn plasters 139 00:08:05,568 --> 00:08:08,480 and Dr. Scholl's Mountaineering Sandals, were covering ground fast. 140 00:08:08,530 --> 00:08:12,569 The Glasgow Orpheus male voice choir were tackling the difficult north part. 141 00:08:12,575 --> 00:08:16,363 Altogether, 14 expeditions were at the scene. 142 00:08:16,413 --> 00:08:19,325 This was it. Ricky had to make a decision. 143 00:08:19,374 --> 00:08:22,036 Well, we decided to open a salon. 144 00:08:22,085 --> 00:08:24,417 MAN 1: It was a tremendous success. 145 00:08:25,672 --> 00:08:27,208 MAN 2: Challenging Everest? 146 00:08:27,257 --> 00:08:29,339 Why not drop in at Ricky Pule's, 147 00:08:29,384 --> 00:08:32,592 only 24, 000-feet from this cinema. 148 00:08:32,595 --> 00:08:36,964 Ricky and Maurice offer a variety of styles for the well-groomed climber. 149 00:08:38,601 --> 00:08:42,264 Why should Tenzing and Sir Edmond Hillary be number one on top, 150 00:08:42,272 --> 00:08:44,263 when you're number one on top? 151 00:08:47,444 --> 00:08:48,775 [J‘J‘J‘] 152 00:08:48,987 --> 00:08:51,774 AN NOUNCER: This cinema is proud to present 153 00:08:51,781 --> 00:08:54,614 20th Century Frog's production: 154 00:08:54,617 --> 00:08:57,575 A Magnificent Festering. 155 00:09:01,332 --> 00:09:04,574 Oh, James! 156 00:09:04,627 --> 00:09:07,619 Oh, Beatrice! 157 00:09:08,631 --> 00:09:12,215 Oh... James! 158 00:09:12,260 --> 00:09:15,343 Oh... oh, Beatrice! 159 00:09:16,389 --> 00:09:19,005 Oh... oh, James, 160 00:09:19,059 --> 00:09:22,222 I could make such a fool of myself over you. 161 00:09:22,270 --> 00:09:26,013 Oh, Beatrice, do... do! 162 00:09:26,066 --> 00:09:29,024 Oh, yes, James, yes! 163 00:09:29,069 --> 00:09:31,401 [GIBBERISH] 164 00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:34,396 -[J‘J‘J‘] -[EXPLOS|ONS] 165 00:09:34,449 --> 00:09:35,655 [SCREAMS] 166 00:09:35,658 --> 00:09:38,024 Oh, James! 167 00:09:39,287 --> 00:09:40,276 [SHOUTING] 168 00:09:41,998 --> 00:09:43,113 [GRUNTING] 169 00:09:43,166 --> 00:09:46,374 Oh... James! 170 00:09:48,046 --> 00:09:50,537 Beatrice! 171 00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:56,677 Oh... James, I could make such a fool Of myself over you. 172 00:09:56,679 --> 00:10:00,046 Oh, Beatrice, do... do! 173 00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:01,260 [SHOUTING] 174 00:10:01,309 --> 00:10:03,800 Oh, yes, James, yes! 175 00:10:04,020 --> 00:10:04,805 [SCREAMS] 176 00:10:05,021 --> 00:10:07,262 [GIBBERISH] 177 00:10:10,777 --> 00:10:12,483 [J‘J‘J‘] 178 00:10:12,529 --> 00:10:16,067 Oh... James! 179 00:10:16,116 --> 00:10:19,199 Oh... Beatrice! 180 00:10:19,244 --> 00:10:20,734 [TELEPHONE RINGS] 181 00:10:25,416 --> 00:10:27,702 Oh... Beatrice! 182 00:10:27,752 --> 00:10:29,037 [TELEPHONE RINGS] 183 00:10:29,087 --> 00:10:31,078 -Oh, James... -Oh, shut up! 184 00:10:31,131 --> 00:10:33,122 Hello, is that the fire brigade? 185 00:10:33,174 --> 00:10:35,039 NO, sorry, wrong number. 186 00:10:36,427 --> 00:10:39,134 That phone's not stopped ringing all day. 187 00:10:39,180 --> 00:10:42,547 What happens when you've mixed the batter, do you dice the ham with the coriander? 188 00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:44,386 -[TELEPHONE RINGS] -No, no, you put them in separately 189 00:10:44,394 --> 00:10:47,352 -when the vine leaves are ready. -Oh, no, not again. 190 00:10:47,397 --> 00:10:49,228 Take it off the hook. 191 00:10:52,402 --> 00:10:54,734 I can't get the fire brigade, Mervyn. 192 00:10:54,737 --> 00:10:57,604 Here, let me try. 193 00:10:59,242 --> 00:11:00,982 Oh, it doesn't do any good, dear. 194 00:11:01,035 --> 00:11:04,027 Look, do you want the little hamster to live or not? 195 00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:07,243 -Yes, I do, Mervyn. -Well, go and play the cello! 196 00:11:09,752 --> 00:11:11,538 Hello? 197 00:11:11,588 --> 00:11:13,579 Hello, operator? 198 00:11:13,631 --> 00:11:16,623 Yes, we're trying to get the fire brigade. 199 00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:21,010 NO, the fire brigade. 200 00:11:21,055 --> 00:11:24,263 Yes, yes, yes, 201 00:11:24,309 --> 00:11:27,722 yes,yes,yes, 202 00:11:27,770 --> 00:11:32,639 yes,yes,yes,yes. 203 00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:34,273 What? 204 00:11:41,534 --> 00:11:43,490 Size eight. 205 00:11:43,536 --> 00:11:47,120 Yes, yes, yes, 206 00:11:47,123 --> 00:11:51,241 yes,yes,yes. 207 00:11:51,294 --> 00:11:54,377 NO, Of course not. Yes... 208 00:11:54,422 --> 00:11:56,287 He's gone, dear. 209 00:11:56,299 --> 00:11:57,459 What? 210 00:11:57,508 --> 00:11:59,419 He's slipped away. 211 00:12:00,637 --> 00:12:02,047 What? 212 00:12:02,096 --> 00:12:03,961 The sodding hamster's dead! 213 00:12:04,015 --> 00:12:06,176 Oh, no! 214 00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:08,012 What were you playing? 215 00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:10,097 Some Mozart concertos, dear. 216 00:12:10,146 --> 00:12:12,011 [STAMMERS] How did he... 217 00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:16,980 His eyes just closed, and he fell into the wastepaper basket. 218 00:12:17,028 --> 00:12:20,316 I covered him with a copy of the Charlie George Football Book. 219 00:12:20,323 --> 00:12:23,611 Right, you hang on. I must go and see him. 220 00:12:23,660 --> 00:12:25,992 There was nothing we could do, Mervyn. 221 00:12:26,037 --> 00:12:30,155 If we'd had the whole Philharmonic Orchestra in there, he'd still have gone. 222 00:12:30,208 --> 00:12:33,200 I'm going upstairs, I can't bear it. 223 00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:36,086 There isn't an upstairs, dear, it's a bungalow. 224 00:12:37,173 --> 00:12:38,538 Damn. 225 00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:40,331 Hello? 226 00:12:40,343 --> 00:12:42,584 Oh, I'm sorry to keep you waiting, it's just that... 227 00:12:45,139 --> 00:12:46,754 Size three. 228 00:12:46,808 --> 00:12:51,598 Yes, it's just we've lost a dear one and my son was... 229 00:12:51,646 --> 00:12:54,683 Yes, that's right, size eight, yes and... 230 00:12:54,732 --> 00:12:56,848 Oh, Isee... 231 00:12:57,026 --> 00:12:59,733 Yes, yes, yes, 232 00:12:59,779 --> 00:13:02,646 yes,yes,yes. 233 00:13:02,699 --> 00:13:04,189 Yes, | see-- 234 00:13:04,242 --> 00:13:07,325 Yes, yes, I, l... 235 00:13:07,370 --> 00:13:09,782 Yes, yes. 236 00:13:09,998 --> 00:13:11,454 NO. No. 237 00:13:11,499 --> 00:13:13,740 Yes, | see. 238 00:13:13,793 --> 00:13:16,159 They can't get the fire brigade, Mervyn. 239 00:13:16,212 --> 00:13:18,077 Will the Boys' Brigade do? 240 00:13:18,131 --> 00:13:20,167 MERVYN: NO! They'd be useless! 241 00:13:21,217 --> 00:13:24,050 NO, he doesn't want anyone at the moment, thank you. 242 00:13:24,053 --> 00:13:26,635 No. Yes, yes. 243 00:13:26,681 --> 00:13:28,546 NO, thank you for trying. 244 00:13:28,558 --> 00:13:31,220 Yes, yes. 245 00:13:31,269 --> 00:13:33,009 NO, Saxones. 246 00:13:33,062 --> 00:13:36,179 Yes, yes, thank you, bye, bye. 247 00:13:37,358 --> 00:13:38,438 Mummy! 248 00:13:38,484 --> 00:13:41,226 Oh, Eammon. Oh! 249 00:13:41,237 --> 00:13:43,228 Mervyn, look it's our Eammon. 250 00:13:43,281 --> 00:13:47,024 Oh, let me look at you. Let me look at you. 251 00:13:47,076 --> 00:13:49,408 Tell me, tell me how... how is it in Dublin? 252 00:13:49,412 --> 00:13:51,778 Well, things is pretty bad there at the moment, 253 00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:54,789 but there does seem some hope of a constitutional settlement. 254 00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:56,620 Oh, don't talk. 255 00:13:56,669 --> 00:13:58,159 Let me just look at you. 256 00:13:58,212 --> 00:14:00,043 Great to be home, Mummy. How are you? 257 00:14:00,048 --> 00:14:01,584 Oh, I'm fine. 258 00:14:01,632 --> 00:14:03,588 | mustjust go upstairs and get your room ready. 259 00:14:03,634 --> 00:14:05,170 It's a bungalow, Mummy. 260 00:14:05,219 --> 00:14:06,675 Oh, damn, yes. 261 00:14:06,721 --> 00:14:08,962 Mervyn! Mervyn, look who's here, 262 00:14:09,015 --> 00:14:12,473 it's our Eammon come back to see us. 263 00:14:12,518 --> 00:14:14,258 -He|lo, Eammon. -He|lo, Merv. 264 00:14:14,312 --> 00:14:16,428 How was Dublin? 265 00:14:16,481 --> 00:14:19,223 Well, as l was telling Mummy here, things is pretty bad there at the moment, 266 00:14:22,278 --> 00:14:24,109 [TELEPHONE RINGS] 267 00:14:27,116 --> 00:14:28,447 Hello? 268 00:14:37,627 --> 00:14:40,118 Yes-- What? 269 00:14:40,129 --> 00:14:41,289 What? 270 00:14:44,050 --> 00:14:46,211 Size seven. 271 00:14:46,260 --> 00:14:48,751 Yes, yes. 272 00:14:48,805 --> 00:14:52,343 Yes, yes, yes. 273 00:14:52,392 --> 00:14:55,634 It's the fire brigade, they want to know if they can come round Thursday evening. 274 00:14:55,645 --> 00:15:00,014 Oh, no, Thursday's the Industrial Relations Bill Dinner Dance. 275 00:15:00,024 --> 00:15:01,980 Can't they make it another day? 276 00:15:02,026 --> 00:15:03,186 Uh, hello? 277 00:15:03,236 --> 00:15:06,399 NO, Thursday's... right out! 278 00:15:12,412 --> 00:15:14,448 Yes. 279 00:15:14,497 --> 00:15:16,328 Yes... 280 00:15:16,332 --> 00:15:18,163 And so it was that the fire brigade 281 00:15:18,167 --> 00:15:20,658 eventually came round on Friday night. 282 00:15:20,711 --> 00:15:22,497 [BELL DINGING] 283 00:15:33,391 --> 00:15:35,507 Oh, so glad you could come. 284 00:15:35,560 --> 00:15:36,675 What would you like to drink? 285 00:15:36,686 --> 00:15:38,392 Gin and tonic? Sherry? 286 00:15:38,438 --> 00:15:41,271 ALL: A drop of sherry would be lovely. 287 00:15:41,315 --> 00:15:45,058 We do like being called out to these little parties, 288 00:15:45,111 --> 00:15:46,772 they're much better than fires. 289 00:15:46,821 --> 00:15:48,436 [TELEPHONE RINGS] 290 00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:54,693 MAN: Yes, yes, yes. 291 00:15:54,704 --> 00:15:57,195 ALL: Well, how was Dublin, Eammon? 292 00:15:57,248 --> 00:15:59,739 Well, as l was telling Mummy and Mervyn earlier, 293 00:15:59,792 --> 00:16:04,377 things is pretty bad there at the moment but there does seem some hope of a constitutional... 294 00:16:04,422 --> 00:16:07,539 Oh, look at them enjoying themselves. 295 00:16:07,550 --> 00:16:09,165 [ALL CHATTERING] 296 00:16:09,218 --> 00:16:11,709 You know, I used to dread parties 297 00:16:11,721 --> 00:16:15,213 until I watched Party Hints by Veronica. 298 00:16:15,266 --> 00:16:16,472 I think it's on now... 299 00:16:16,517 --> 00:16:18,053 [J‘J‘J‘] 300 00:16:40,708 --> 00:16:43,415 Hello. Last week on Party Hints 301 00:16:43,461 --> 00:16:47,454 I showed you how to make a small plate of goulash go round 26 people, 302 00:16:47,507 --> 00:16:50,044 how to get the best out of your canapes, 303 00:16:50,092 --> 00:16:52,003 and how to unblock your loo. 304 00:16:52,053 --> 00:16:53,793 This week, I'm going to tell you what to do 305 00:16:54,013 --> 00:16:56,800 if there is an armed communist uprising near your home 306 00:16:57,016 --> 00:16:59,098 when you're having a party. 307 00:16:59,143 --> 00:17:01,384 Well, obviously, it'll depend how far you've got with your party 308 00:17:01,437 --> 00:17:04,019 when the signal for Red Revolt is raised. 309 00:17:04,065 --> 00:17:05,601 If you're just having preliminary aperitifs: 310 00:17:05,650 --> 00:17:08,312 Dubonnet, a sherry or a sparkling white wine, 311 00:17:08,361 --> 00:17:11,103 then your guests will obviously be in a fairly formal mood 312 00:17:11,113 --> 00:17:14,196 and it will be difficult to tell which are the communist agitators. 313 00:17:14,242 --> 00:17:18,110 So, the thing to do is to get some cloth and some bits Of old paper, 314 00:17:18,162 --> 00:17:21,529 put it down on the floor and shoot everybody. 315 00:17:24,544 --> 00:17:28,457 If you're having canapes, as I showed you last week, or an outdoor barbecue, 316 00:17:28,464 --> 00:17:32,423 then the thing to do is to set fire to all the houses in the street. 317 00:17:32,468 --> 00:17:34,459 This will stir up anti-communist hatred 318 00:17:34,512 --> 00:17:36,127 and your neighbors will be right with you 319 00:17:36,180 --> 00:17:39,047 as you organize counter-revolutionary terror. 320 00:17:39,100 --> 00:17:41,136 So, you see, if you act promptly enough, 321 00:17:41,143 --> 00:17:44,601 any left-wing uprising can be dealt with by the end of the party. 322 00:17:44,647 --> 00:17:46,478 Bye. 323 00:17:46,524 --> 00:17:49,061 Ah! She's finally gone away. 324 00:17:49,110 --> 00:17:52,398 Alright, comrades, time to go to work. 325 00:17:53,447 --> 00:17:54,607 [ALL GRUNT] 326 00:17:58,411 --> 00:17:59,992 [ALL GRUNT] 327 00:18:00,037 --> 00:18:01,618 [DOORBELL RINGS] 328 00:18:02,665 --> 00:18:06,283 MAN: Hello, we are selling communist revolutions. 329 00:18:06,335 --> 00:18:08,496 Would you, by any chance, be interested? 330 00:18:08,504 --> 00:18:10,745 Oh, yes. I'll take a dozen, please. 331 00:18:10,965 --> 00:18:12,671 -MAN: Right. -Ath 332 00:18:16,637 --> 00:18:18,502 -[CLANK|NG] -[WOMAN GRUNTING] 333 00:18:21,350 --> 00:18:22,385 [MEN GRUNT] 334 00:18:24,270 --> 00:18:27,228 MAN: One dozen communist revolutions coming up. 335 00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:37,317 | get it! Communist revolution! Ha-ha! 336 00:18:37,366 --> 00:18:38,697 That's a good one. Whoa! 337 00:18:38,743 --> 00:18:42,156 You disgusting, little piece of filth! 338 00:18:42,204 --> 00:18:43,740 God, I hate you! 339 00:18:43,789 --> 00:18:47,202 You make me wanna puke my guts out! 340 00:18:49,545 --> 00:18:51,331 Wasn't that cute? 341 00:18:51,380 --> 00:18:53,416 Remember, you, too, can get your own Putrid Peter doll 342 00:18:53,466 --> 00:18:55,502 in time to pacify your next party. 343 00:18:55,551 --> 00:18:56,791 But why stop there? 344 00:18:57,011 --> 00:18:59,423 Why not get a Barry Bigot doll, too? 345 00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:01,053 Just watch this. 346 00:19:04,268 --> 00:19:07,635 [SHOUTS ANGRILY IN GERMAN] 347 00:19:10,691 --> 00:19:13,558 Rrrhodesian. Kill the blecks. Kill the blecks. 348 00:19:13,569 --> 00:19:15,730 Rrhodesian. Smith, Smith. 349 00:19:15,946 --> 00:19:18,232 Kill the blecks within the five principles. 350 00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:22,074 I'm afraid I cannot comment on that until it's been Officially hushed up. 351 00:19:22,078 --> 00:19:25,741 -This is our politicians booth. -While there is no undue cause for concern, 352 00:19:25,748 --> 00:19:27,739 there is certainly no room for complacency. 353 00:19:27,958 --> 00:19:29,073 Ha, ha, ha. 354 00:19:29,085 --> 00:19:30,495 Hee,hee,hee. 355 00:19:30,544 --> 00:19:33,126 I'll go-- I'll go to the foot of our stairs. 356 00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:35,254 Ee ecky thump put wood in 'ole, Muther. 357 00:19:36,384 --> 00:19:38,124 -Yes? -Ee ecky thump. 358 00:19:38,177 --> 00:19:39,417 Ee ecky thump. 359 00:19:41,263 --> 00:19:43,128 -Ee ecky thump! -Excellent. 360 00:19:43,182 --> 00:19:45,013 -Thank you, sir. -lt's a really quick method of learning. 361 00:19:45,059 --> 00:19:46,424 Can you smell gas or is it me? 362 00:19:46,435 --> 00:19:47,971 Looks jolly good. 363 00:19:48,020 --> 00:19:50,602 Hello, big boy. 00 varda the ome. 364 00:19:50,648 --> 00:19:52,388 Mm, do you want a nice time? 365 00:19:52,441 --> 00:19:54,602 -Very good. -Thank you very much, sir. 366 00:19:54,610 --> 00:19:57,977 [HIGH-PITCHED SINGING] 367 00:20:00,116 --> 00:20:02,607 -And we control everything from here. -Superb. 368 00:20:02,618 --> 00:20:04,609 Well, what sort Of thing were you looking for? 369 00:20:04,662 --> 00:20:08,246 Well, uh, really something to make me a little less insignificant? 370 00:20:08,290 --> 00:20:10,576 Oh, I see. Sort of... 371 00:20:10,626 --> 00:20:12,708 "Now look here, you may be Chairman 372 00:20:12,753 --> 00:20:15,790 but your bloody pusillanimous behavior makes me vomit!" 373 00:20:15,798 --> 00:20:18,289 -That sort of thing? -Oh, no, no, no, not really no. 374 00:20:18,300 --> 00:20:21,463 Oh, I see, well, perhaps something a bit more sort of Clive Jenkins-ish? 375 00:20:21,512 --> 00:20:24,800 Perhaps sort of... "Mr. Smarmy so-called Harold Wilson 376 00:20:25,015 --> 00:20:28,223 can call himself pragmatic until he's blue in the breasts." 377 00:20:28,269 --> 00:20:30,055 Oh, no, not really. 378 00:20:30,104 --> 00:20:32,436 I really want something that will make people 379 00:20:32,481 --> 00:20:35,018 be attracted to me like a magnet. 380 00:20:35,067 --> 00:20:37,023 Oh, I see, well, you want our "Life and Soul Of the Party" tape then, I think. 381 00:20:37,069 --> 00:20:39,105 What's that? 382 00:20:39,155 --> 00:20:41,316 Well, it's sort of "Hello, squire, haven't seen you for a bit. 383 00:20:41,323 --> 00:20:43,609 Haven't seen you for a bit either, Beryl. 384 00:20:43,659 --> 00:20:45,490 Two pints of wallop please, love. 385 00:20:45,494 --> 00:20:46,825 Still driving the Jensen then? 386 00:20:46,829 --> 00:20:48,535 Cheer up, Jack, it may never happen. 387 00:20:48,581 --> 00:20:50,663 -What's your poison then?" -Fantastic, yes. 388 00:20:50,708 --> 00:20:52,824 Right, well, I'll see if we've got the tape. 389 00:20:52,835 --> 00:20:54,826 [J‘J‘J‘] 390 00:20:55,045 --> 00:20:57,331 [ALL SCATTING] 391 00:20:57,381 --> 00:20:59,622 J‘ Hello operator Is that the central line? J‘ 392 00:20:59,675 --> 00:21:01,757 J‘ Give me the Piccadilly number Nine-one-oh-nine J‘ 393 00:21:01,802 --> 00:21:03,713 J‘ Mr. Operator Now that number's wrong J‘ 394 00:21:03,763 --> 00:21:07,005 J‘ So come on everybody Let's sing this song J‘ 395 00:21:07,057 --> 00:21:09,799 J‘ Proust in his first book Wrote about, wrote about J‘ 396 00:21:10,019 --> 00:21:12,556 -[GONG] -MAN: Start again. 397 00:21:16,609 --> 00:21:18,019 MAN 2: Mount Everest. 398 00:21:18,068 --> 00:21:21,185 Forbidding, aloof, terrifying. 399 00:21:21,238 --> 00:21:23,069 The highest place on earth. 400 00:21:23,115 --> 00:21:26,198 NO, I'm sorry. We don't go there. No. 401 00:21:26,202 --> 00:21:27,317 Good morning. 402 00:21:27,369 --> 00:21:28,654 Oh, good morning. 403 00:21:29,747 --> 00:21:31,362 DO you want to go upstairs? 404 00:21:31,415 --> 00:21:32,530 What? 405 00:21:32,583 --> 00:21:34,448 DO you want to go upstairs? 406 00:21:34,502 --> 00:21:37,118 Or have you come to arrange a holiday? 407 00:21:37,171 --> 00:21:38,536 Uh, to arrange a holiday. 408 00:21:38,589 --> 00:21:40,295 Oh, sorry. 409 00:21:41,509 --> 00:21:43,295 What's all this about going upstairs? 410 00:21:43,344 --> 00:21:45,130 Oh, nothing, nothing. 411 00:21:45,179 --> 00:21:47,215 -Now, where were you thinking of going? -|ndia. 412 00:21:47,223 --> 00:21:49,054 -Ah! One of our adventure holidays. -Yes. 413 00:21:49,099 --> 00:21:51,511 Well, you'd better speak to Mr. Bounder about that. 414 00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:54,723 Uh, Mr. Bounder, this gentleman is interested in the India Overland. 415 00:21:54,772 --> 00:21:57,514 Ah, good morning. I'm Bounder of Adventure. 416 00:21:57,566 --> 00:22:00,308 Morning. My name is Smoke-too-much. 417 00:22:00,361 --> 00:22:01,396 What? 418 00:22:01,403 --> 00:22:02,643 Uh, my name is Smoke-too-much. 419 00:22:02,696 --> 00:22:05,108 Mr. Smoke-too-much. 420 00:22:05,157 --> 00:22:06,397 Well, you'd better cut down a bit then. 421 00:22:07,785 --> 00:22:10,743 -What? -You'd better cut down a bit then. 422 00:22:10,746 --> 00:22:13,078 Oh, I see! 423 00:22:13,123 --> 00:22:15,739 -Cut down a bit for Smoke-too-much. -BOUNDER: Yes. Ha-ha. 424 00:22:15,751 --> 00:22:18,333 I expect you get people making jokes about your name all the time, eh? 425 00:22:18,379 --> 00:22:20,370 NO, no. 426 00:22:22,132 --> 00:22:24,498 Actually, it never struck me before. 427 00:22:24,552 --> 00:22:26,759 Smoke... too... much. 428 00:22:26,804 --> 00:22:29,045 [LAUGHS] 429 00:22:29,098 --> 00:22:31,259 Anyway, you're interested in one of our adventure holidays, eh? 430 00:22:31,308 --> 00:22:34,141 Yes, yes, I saw your advert in the bolor supplement. 431 00:22:34,186 --> 00:22:35,346 The what? 432 00:22:35,396 --> 00:22:36,761 The bolor supplement. 433 00:22:36,814 --> 00:22:38,475 The color supplement? 434 00:22:38,524 --> 00:22:40,264 Ah, yes. I'm sorry, I can't say the letter "l3". 435 00:22:40,317 --> 00:22:42,649 _IICII? -Yes, that's right. 436 00:22:42,695 --> 00:22:46,313 It's all due to a trauma I suffered when l was a sboolboy. 437 00:22:46,365 --> 00:22:48,276 l was attacked by a bat. 438 00:22:48,325 --> 00:22:50,281 -A cat? -No, a bat. 439 00:22:51,787 --> 00:22:53,277 Can you say the letter "K"? 440 00:22:53,289 --> 00:22:55,450 Oh, yes! Khaki, king, kettle, 441 00:22:55,499 --> 00:22:57,740 Kuwait, Keble Bollege Oxford. 442 00:22:57,793 --> 00:23:00,751 Wait, why don't you say the letter "K" instead of the letter "C"? 443 00:23:00,796 --> 00:23:03,503 What, you mean... spell bolor with a "K"? 444 00:23:03,549 --> 00:23:05,255 -Yes. Yes. -Kolor. 445 00:23:05,301 --> 00:23:08,668 Oh, that's very good. I never thought of that. 446 00:23:08,721 --> 00:23:10,803 80, about this holiday... 447 00:23:10,973 --> 00:23:13,259 Well, I saw your advert in the paper 448 00:23:13,309 --> 00:23:15,470 and I've been on package tours several times, you see, 449 00:23:15,477 --> 00:23:17,718 -and I decided that this was for me. -BOUNDER: Ah, good. 450 00:23:17,771 --> 00:23:20,683 Yes, I quite agree with you. What's the point of being treated like sheep? 451 00:23:20,733 --> 00:23:23,065 I mean, I'm fed up with going abroad being treated like sheep. 452 00:23:23,110 --> 00:23:24,725 What's the point Of carted around in buses 453 00:23:24,778 --> 00:23:27,611 surrounded by sweaty, mindless oafs from Kettering and Boventry 454 00:23:28,991 --> 00:23:30,822 in their cloth caps and their cardigans 455 00:23:30,993 --> 00:23:33,484 and their transistor radios and their Sunday Mirrors, 456 00:23:33,495 --> 00:23:35,656 bomplaining about the tea. 457 00:23:35,706 --> 00:23:37,697 "Oh, they don't make it properly here, do they? Not like at home." 458 00:23:37,750 --> 00:23:40,992 Stopping at Majorcan bodegas selling fish and chips 459 00:23:41,045 --> 00:23:44,503 and Watney's Red Barrel and calamaris and two veg 460 00:23:44,548 --> 00:23:47,085 and sitting in cotton sun frocks 461 00:23:47,134 --> 00:23:51,218 squirting Timothy White's sun cream all over their puffy, raw, swollen, purulent flesh, 462 00:23:51,263 --> 00:23:53,800 -'cause they overdid it on the first day. -Yes, absolutely. 463 00:23:53,849 --> 00:23:56,511 -Yes, I quite agree... -And being herded into endless Hotel Miramars 464 00:23:56,518 --> 00:23:58,804 and Bellvueses and Bontinentales 465 00:23:58,854 --> 00:24:02,517 with their international, luxury modern roomettes and Watney's Red Barrel, 466 00:24:02,566 --> 00:24:05,683 and swimming pools full of fat German businessmen 467 00:24:05,736 --> 00:24:09,194 pretending they're acrobats forming pyramids and frightening the children 468 00:24:09,239 --> 00:24:12,026 and barging into the queues and if you're not at your table spot on seven, 469 00:24:12,034 --> 00:24:14,650 you miss your bow! of Campbell's Cream of Mushroom soup, 470 00:24:14,703 --> 00:24:17,115 the first item on the menu of International Cuisine, 471 00:24:17,164 --> 00:24:20,156 and every Thursday night there's bloody cabaret in the bar, 472 00:24:20,209 --> 00:24:23,372 featuring a tiny, emaciated dago with nine-inch hips 473 00:24:23,420 --> 00:24:26,207 and some big, fat, bloated tart with her hair Brylcreemed down 474 00:24:26,256 --> 00:24:28,588 and a big ass presenting Flamenco for Foreigners. 475 00:24:28,634 --> 00:24:30,374 Yes, yes, well-- 476 00:24:30,386 --> 00:24:32,342 And then surrounded by adenoidal typists from Birmingham 477 00:24:32,388 --> 00:24:34,470 with diarrhea, flabby, white legs 478 00:24:34,515 --> 00:24:38,383 and trying to pick up hairy, bandy—legged, wop waiters called Manuel. 479 00:24:41,146 --> 00:24:43,387 where you can buy cherryade and melted ice cream 480 00:24:43,399 --> 00:24:45,811 -and bleeding Watney's Red Barrel. -Excuse me-- 481 00:24:46,026 --> 00:24:47,812 Then one night, they take you to a local restaurant 482 00:24:48,028 --> 00:24:50,110 with local color and rat coloring. 483 00:24:50,155 --> 00:24:52,020 And they show you then, you sit next to a party of people from Rhyl 484 00:24:52,074 --> 00:24:56,408 who keep singing J‘ Torremolinos, Torremolinos J” 485 00:24:56,453 --> 00:24:59,195 and complaining about the food: "Oh, it's so greasy, isn't it?" 486 00:24:59,248 --> 00:25:01,739 And then you get cornered by some drunken greengrocer from Luton 487 00:25:01,959 --> 00:25:05,417 with an lnstamatic and Dr. Scholl sandals and last Tuesday's Daily Express 488 00:25:05,462 --> 00:25:08,499 and he drones on and on and on 489 00:25:08,549 --> 00:25:11,291 about how Mr. Smith should be running this country, 490 00:25:11,343 --> 00:25:15,552 how many languages Enoch Powell can speak and then he throws up over the Cuba Libres. 491 00:25:15,597 --> 00:25:18,088 -Will you be quiet, please? -Sending tinted postcards of places 492 00:25:18,100 --> 00:25:21,638 they don't know they haven't even visited to "All at number 22, weather wonderful, 493 00:25:21,687 --> 00:25:24,144 -our room is marked with an 'X'." -Shut up. 494 00:25:24,189 --> 00:25:26,555 Food very greasy but we have managed to find 495 00:25:26,608 --> 00:25:29,065 this marvellous little place hidden away in the back streets... 496 00:25:29,111 --> 00:25:32,444 -Shut up. Shut up! -where they serve Watney's Red Barrel and cheese and onion. 497 00:25:32,489 --> 00:25:36,323 -The accordionist plays "Maybe It's Because I'm A Londoner". -Shut your bloody gob! 498 00:25:36,368 --> 00:25:39,201 -[CONT|NUES INDISTINCT] -l'm gonna ring the police! 499 00:25:39,246 --> 00:25:41,487 Nothing to eat but dried Watney sandwiches. 500 00:25:41,540 --> 00:25:43,155 [TELEPHONE RINGS] 501 00:25:43,208 --> 00:25:45,290 Oh, take it off the hook. 502 00:25:47,296 --> 00:25:50,254 -SMOKES-TOO-MUCH: And there's nowhere to sleep and... -He|lo, Operator? 503 00:25:50,299 --> 00:25:53,291 -Operator? Yes, I'm trying to get the police. -[SMOKES-TOO-MUCH CONTINUES] 504 00:25:53,302 --> 00:25:56,089 Yes, yes... the police! 505 00:25:56,138 --> 00:25:57,674 -Yes. What? -[TOURIST CONTINUES] 506 00:26:01,185 --> 00:26:02,641 Nine-and—a-half. 507 00:26:04,354 --> 00:26:05,719 When you get to Malaga airport, 508 00:26:05,773 --> 00:26:07,513 -everybody's swallowing-- -What? 509 00:26:07,566 --> 00:26:10,399 [BOTH TALKING OVER ONE ANOTHER] 510 00:26:11,987 --> 00:26:14,729 Sorry to keep you waiting. Will you come this way, please? 511 00:26:14,782 --> 00:26:16,647 [CHATTER CONTINUES] 512 00:26:25,250 --> 00:26:26,456 Here they are. 513 00:26:26,502 --> 00:26:27,491 Right. 514 00:26:27,544 --> 00:26:29,660 Just here will do fine. 515 00:26:29,713 --> 00:26:31,203 Bye-bye. 516 00:26:32,549 --> 00:26:33,664 Good evening. 517 00:26:33,675 --> 00:26:35,711 [DRAMATIC MUSIC] 518 00:26:45,104 --> 00:26:49,017 l have with me tonight Anne Elk, Mrs. Anne Elk. 519 00:26:49,066 --> 00:26:50,647 Miss. 520 00:26:50,692 --> 00:26:54,105 You have a new theory about the brontosaurus. 521 00:26:54,154 --> 00:26:57,021 Can Ijust say here, Chris, for one moment, 522 00:26:57,032 --> 00:26:59,819 that I have a new theory about the brontosaurus? 523 00:27:02,412 --> 00:27:04,368 Exactly. 524 00:27:12,422 --> 00:27:14,037 What is it? 525 00:27:15,425 --> 00:27:17,040 Where? 526 00:27:18,095 --> 00:27:20,211 I meant your new theory. 527 00:27:20,264 --> 00:27:22,300 -Oh, what is my theory! -Yes. 528 00:27:22,349 --> 00:27:24,635 Oh, what is my theory, that it is. 529 00:27:24,685 --> 00:27:28,553 Well, Chris, you may well ask me what is my theory. 530 00:27:31,024 --> 00:27:33,060 -I am asking. -Good for you. 531 00:27:33,110 --> 00:27:34,725 My word, yes. 532 00:27:34,778 --> 00:27:37,611 Well, Chris, what is it that it is this theory of mine? 533 00:27:37,656 --> 00:27:39,237 Well, this is what it is. 534 00:27:39,241 --> 00:27:40,731 My theory that l have, 535 00:27:40,742 --> 00:27:42,733 that is to say, which is mine, 536 00:27:42,786 --> 00:27:45,198 is mine. 537 00:27:45,247 --> 00:27:47,329 Yes, I know it's yours. 538 00:27:47,374 --> 00:27:48,739 Uh, what is it? 539 00:27:50,169 --> 00:27:52,501 Where? 540 00:27:52,546 --> 00:27:53,706 Your theory. 541 00:27:53,755 --> 00:27:56,417 Oh, what is my... This is it. 542 00:27:56,466 --> 00:27:58,127 [COUGHING] 543 00:28:12,107 --> 00:28:15,270 My theory, that belongs to me, is as follows. 544 00:28:15,319 --> 00:28:16,934 [CLEARS THROAT] 545 00:28:16,987 --> 00:28:19,524 [COUGHS] 546 00:28:22,951 --> 00:28:24,441 This is how it goes. 547 00:28:25,954 --> 00:28:27,490 [COUGHS] 548 00:28:29,666 --> 00:28:32,248 The next thing I'm going to say is my theory. 549 00:28:32,294 --> 00:28:34,626 -Ready? -Oh, yeah. 550 00:28:34,671 --> 00:28:37,003 My theory, by A. Elk, brackets, miss, brackets. 551 00:28:37,049 --> 00:28:39,711 This theory goes as follows and begins now: 552 00:28:39,760 --> 00:28:42,467 All brontosauruses are thin at one end, 553 00:28:42,512 --> 00:28:44,798 much, much thicker in the middle, 554 00:28:44,973 --> 00:28:47,430 and then thin again at the far end. 555 00:28:48,518 --> 00:28:49,598 That is my theory. 556 00:28:49,645 --> 00:28:51,385 It is mine and belongs to me 557 00:28:51,438 --> 00:28:53,645 and I own it and what it is, too. 558 00:28:55,108 --> 00:28:56,689 That's it, is it? 559 00:28:56,735 --> 00:28:58,771 Spot on, Chris. 560 00:29:00,030 --> 00:29:01,611 Well, Anne, this theory of yours 561 00:29:01,657 --> 00:29:04,069 appears to have hit the nail on the head. 562 00:29:04,117 --> 00:29:05,948 -And it's mine. -CHR|S: Yes. 563 00:29:05,994 --> 00:29:08,326 Yes, thank you very much for coming along to the studio. 564 00:29:08,330 --> 00:29:09,991 -Thank you. -My pleasure, Chris. 565 00:29:10,040 --> 00:29:11,951 -Next week, Britain's newest-- -|t's been a lot of fun. 566 00:29:12,000 --> 00:29:14,286 -Yes, thank you very much. -Saying what my theory is. 567 00:29:14,336 --> 00:29:16,418 -Yes, thank you. -And whose it is. 568 00:29:16,463 --> 00:29:18,328 Yes, thank you, that's all. Thank you. 569 00:29:18,382 --> 00:29:20,168 l have another theory... 570 00:29:20,175 --> 00:29:22,086 -Yes-- Thank you. -...called my second theory, 571 00:29:22,135 --> 00:29:24,000 or my theory number two, 572 00:29:24,054 --> 00:29:25,464 -which I could expound without doubt. -[TELEPHONE RINGS] 573 00:29:25,514 --> 00:29:27,300 -This second theory... -Yes? 574 00:29:27,349 --> 00:29:29,055 -...which, with the one that I have said... -Yes. 575 00:29:29,101 --> 00:29:30,716 -No, I'm trying... -...forms the present theories 576 00:29:30,769 --> 00:29:32,475 that I own and which are mine and which belong to me... 577 00:29:32,521 --> 00:29:34,557 [INDISTINCT] 578 00:29:34,606 --> 00:29:36,221 Nine-and—a-half, wide fitting. 579 00:29:36,275 --> 00:29:37,731 Goes like this. [CLEARS THROAT] 580 00:29:37,776 --> 00:29:39,312 Baileys of Bond Street. 581 00:29:40,529 --> 00:29:42,485 -What? -[EXAGGERATED COUGH] 582 00:29:44,491 --> 00:29:46,106 -No, sort of brogue. -This is what it is. 583 00:29:46,159 --> 00:29:48,024 -Yes, this is what it is. -No, no. 584 00:29:48,036 --> 00:29:50,152 [EXAGGERATED COUGH] 585 00:29:50,205 --> 00:29:53,368 Oh, it's eight-and—a-half, I think. 586 00:29:53,375 --> 00:29:54,490 Exactly. 587 00:29:58,046 --> 00:29:59,252 This is it. 588 00:29:59,298 --> 00:30:01,209 My second theory... 589 00:30:01,258 --> 00:30:02,794 [CONTINUES COUGHING] 590 00:30:07,222 --> 00:30:10,259 [LOUD CHATTERING] 591 00:30:10,309 --> 00:30:11,549 Excuse me! 592 00:30:11,601 --> 00:30:13,432 -[TELEPHONE RINGS] -Oh, excuse me. 593 00:30:13,478 --> 00:30:15,560 Hello, yes? Yes? 594 00:30:15,564 --> 00:30:17,805 SMOKES-TOO-MUCH: ...promises you that the raging cholera epidemic... 595 00:30:18,025 --> 00:30:20,107 The fire brigade are here! They're coming! 596 00:30:20,152 --> 00:30:22,108 [CHATTER CONTINUES] 597 00:30:22,154 --> 00:30:24,736 Hello? NO, no, I think they're all part of 598 00:30:24,781 --> 00:30:27,147 the British Shoe Corporation now. 599 00:30:27,200 --> 00:30:29,236 Chris, this other theory Of mine... 600 00:30:29,286 --> 00:30:31,402 [ALL CHATTERING] 601 00:30:32,581 --> 00:30:34,321 The second theory... [COUGHS] 602 00:30:36,501 --> 00:30:40,085 My second theory states that fire brigade choirs 603 00:30:40,088 --> 00:30:42,704 seldom sing songs about Marcel Proust. 604 00:30:42,758 --> 00:30:45,249 J‘ Proust in his first book Wrote about, wrote about J‘ 605 00:30:45,260 --> 00:30:47,251 -J‘ Proust in his first book-- J‘ -[GONG] 606 00:30:47,262 --> 00:30:48,672 MAN: Start again.