1 00:00:32,533 --> 00:00:33,443 [COIN CLINKS] 2 00:00:33,534 --> 00:00:35,820 [J‘] 3 00:01:36,722 --> 00:01:39,338 [J‘] 4 00:02:10,380 --> 00:02:11,495 Oof! 5 00:03:00,722 --> 00:03:02,553 Yes, this looks the sort of thing. 6 00:03:02,641 --> 00:03:03,630 May | just try it? 7 00:03:03,767 --> 00:03:05,223 Certainly, madam. 8 00:03:05,310 --> 00:03:06,265 Ooh! 9 00:03:06,395 --> 00:03:08,181 Sorry, so sorry. 10 00:03:08,271 --> 00:03:10,182 Yes, that's fine. 11 00:03:10,273 --> 00:03:11,262 Is that on account, madam? 12 00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:12,685 WOMAN: Yes. 13 00:03:16,321 --> 00:03:17,356 Hello? 14 00:03:17,447 --> 00:03:18,436 [RINGS] 15 00:03:18,532 --> 00:03:19,647 Hello? 16 00:03:20,409 --> 00:03:22,570 [SQUAWKS] 17 00:03:25,122 --> 00:03:27,238 [SQUAWKS] 18 00:03:28,792 --> 00:03:30,157 [SQUAWKS] 19 00:03:31,378 --> 00:03:32,413 Oh, I'm terribly sorry. 20 00:03:32,504 --> 00:03:34,085 I thought you were someone else. 21 00:03:34,172 --> 00:03:35,457 Oh, I see, yes. 22 00:03:35,549 --> 00:03:38,131 l'm-- I'm sorry, sir, can I help you? 23 00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:40,300 Uh, yes-- Yes, as a matter of fact you can, actually. 24 00:03:40,429 --> 00:03:44,342 l-- l was interested in the possibility of pur-- 25 00:03:44,474 --> 00:03:47,056 Can I ask you who you thought I was? What? 26 00:03:47,144 --> 00:03:48,429 Who did you think l was, 27 00:03:48,520 --> 00:03:50,135 just then, when you thought I was somebody? 28 00:03:50,272 --> 00:03:51,808 Oh, it's no one you'd know, sir. 29 00:03:52,065 --> 00:03:53,430 Well, I might know them. 30 00:03:53,525 --> 00:03:55,516 Well, it's possible, but I think it's unlikely. 31 00:03:55,652 --> 00:03:56,607 I know quite a lot-- 32 00:03:56,695 --> 00:03:57,650 He's hardly likely to move 33 00:03:57,779 --> 00:03:58,734 in your circle, sir. 34 00:03:58,822 --> 00:04:00,278 Why, is he very rich? 35 00:04:00,365 --> 00:04:01,980 Oh, no, I didn't mean that, sir. 36 00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:03,986 Is he a lord, or something? Oh, no. Not at all. 37 00:04:04,119 --> 00:04:04,983 This is very easy to settle. 38 00:04:05,078 --> 00:04:06,568 What is his name? What? 39 00:04:06,663 --> 00:04:07,652 What is his name? 40 00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:09,238 Well, um-- 41 00:04:09,332 --> 00:04:11,038 Yes? 42 00:04:11,168 --> 00:04:12,123 Michael Ellis. 43 00:04:12,210 --> 00:04:13,541 Who? 44 00:04:13,670 --> 00:04:15,331 Michael Ellis. 45 00:04:15,422 --> 00:04:16,582 | see. 46 00:04:17,674 --> 00:04:18,663 Do you know him, sir? 47 00:04:18,759 --> 00:04:21,341 Oh, Michael Ellis. Um... 48 00:04:21,470 --> 00:04:22,425 Michael Ellis-- 49 00:04:22,512 --> 00:04:24,002 You don't. 50 00:04:24,097 --> 00:04:25,303 Well, I don't remember the name. 51 00:04:25,390 --> 00:04:26,425 I think you would remember him, sir. 52 00:04:26,516 --> 00:04:28,131 Why do you say that? 53 00:04:28,226 --> 00:04:31,309 Well, would you remember a man 6-foot, 9-inches high, 40-ish, 54 00:04:31,396 --> 00:04:33,261 and he's got a scar from here to here, 55 00:04:33,356 --> 00:04:34,516 and absolutely no nose? 56 00:04:36,526 --> 00:04:39,017 Oh, I think I do remember somebody like that. 57 00:04:39,154 --> 00:04:42,521 Well, that's not Michael Ellis. 58 00:04:42,657 --> 00:04:45,194 He's a small man about this high, with a high-pitched voice. 59 00:04:45,327 --> 00:04:46,817 Right, I'm not gonna buy an ant from you now. 60 00:04:47,078 --> 00:04:49,194 Oh, no. Please? I know you've not been trained. 61 00:04:49,331 --> 00:04:51,071 I demand another assistant. Oh, no, come on. 62 00:04:51,208 --> 00:04:52,573 I want another assistant. 63 00:04:52,709 --> 00:04:55,200 All right. I'll get another assistant. Thank you. 64 00:04:55,295 --> 00:04:56,705 Hello, sir, can I help you, sir? 65 00:04:56,838 --> 00:04:58,203 No, I want a different assistant. 66 00:04:58,298 --> 00:05:00,254 I am, sir. l'm Mr. Abanazar, sir. 67 00:05:00,383 --> 00:05:01,463 Don't be silly. 68 00:05:01,551 --> 00:05:03,212 Oh, no, please, please let me help you. 69 00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:05,009 No, I want another assistant. Come on. 70 00:05:05,096 --> 00:05:06,302 If you don't give me another assist-- 71 00:05:06,389 --> 00:05:07,629 No, no, I'll be very good, sir. 72 00:05:07,724 --> 00:05:09,635 Good morning, sir. How are you, sir? 73 00:05:09,726 --> 00:05:11,011 Bit parky outside, isn't it? 74 00:05:11,102 --> 00:05:12,558 Very nice suit you've got there, sir. 75 00:05:12,646 --> 00:05:14,011 You had a close shave this morning. 76 00:05:14,105 --> 00:05:15,345 Right, I'm going. No, no, no, please! 77 00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:16,395 I'll get another assistant. 78 00:05:16,525 --> 00:05:17,640 All right. 79 00:05:22,405 --> 00:05:23,770 Whoooo! 80 00:05:24,074 --> 00:05:25,154 It's not him. 81 00:05:25,242 --> 00:05:26,448 Oh. I don't want him. 82 00:05:26,576 --> 00:05:27,486 Oh, please, give him a chance. 83 00:05:27,577 --> 00:05:29,113 No. 84 00:05:29,246 --> 00:05:30,736 Yes, sir. Can I be of any assistance? 85 00:05:30,997 --> 00:05:32,112 Oh, come on, don't try that. 86 00:05:32,249 --> 00:05:33,284 I'm sorry, sir, try what? 87 00:05:33,416 --> 00:05:34,371 You know what I mean. 88 00:05:34,459 --> 00:05:36,074 I'm afraid I don't, sir. 89 00:05:36,169 --> 00:05:38,285 You were down there with a silly mask on, going "whoool" 90 00:05:38,421 --> 00:05:39,627 I don't think l was, sir. 91 00:05:39,756 --> 00:05:41,246 All right, get the manager. 92 00:05:41,383 --> 00:05:42,714 There seems to be some sort of a misunderstanding, sir. 93 00:05:42,801 --> 00:05:44,257 Manager! 94 00:05:44,386 --> 00:05:45,341 This is the manager, sir. 95 00:05:45,428 --> 00:05:47,214 What? Yes, I'm the manager. 96 00:05:47,305 --> 00:05:48,670 Manager. 97 00:05:48,765 --> 00:05:50,505 It's a smashing store. Can't recommend it too highly. 98 00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:51,589 Well lit, rat-free. It's a joy to manage. 99 00:05:51,726 --> 00:05:53,057 Manager. Oh, yes. 100 00:05:53,144 --> 00:05:54,634 Freshest haddock in London, second floor. 101 00:05:54,771 --> 00:05:56,762 Third floor, Ribena. Ants here. Manager! 102 00:05:57,023 --> 00:05:58,513 Television and flame throwers over there, 103 00:05:58,608 --> 00:06:00,098 our dinner-wagon exhibition-- Manager! 104 00:06:00,235 --> 00:06:01,475 Quick! 105 00:06:01,611 --> 00:06:03,272 Yes, sir? Can I help you, sir? 106 00:06:03,363 --> 00:06:05,354 Yes, I want to complain about the assistants on this counter. 107 00:06:05,448 --> 00:06:07,154 Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, sir. Which ones? 108 00:06:07,284 --> 00:06:08,273 Well, they're hiding now. 109 00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:10,199 Sir? 110 00:06:10,287 --> 00:06:12,243 They're hiding, down there, behind the counter. 111 00:06:12,330 --> 00:06:13,285 | see, sir. 112 00:06:13,415 --> 00:06:15,246 [CHUCKLES] 113 00:06:15,333 --> 00:06:17,119 Well, there's nobody down here, sir. 114 00:06:17,210 --> 00:06:19,246 Well, they-- They must've crawled through here, 115 00:06:19,337 --> 00:06:21,453 crawled along and made their escape through soft toys. 116 00:06:21,590 --> 00:06:23,330 Yes, of course. 117 00:06:23,466 --> 00:06:25,627 They were wearing masks and going "whoo!", making noises. 118 00:06:25,719 --> 00:06:27,630 And one of them pretended to be the manager. Sir? 119 00:06:27,762 --> 00:06:29,753 He went, "Oh, yes, I'm the manager. 120 00:06:30,015 --> 00:06:31,130 Smashing store to manage, this. 121 00:06:31,224 --> 00:06:32,634 Freshest haddock in London." 122 00:06:32,726 --> 00:06:33,966 I think I've got it, sir. I think I've got it. 123 00:06:34,102 --> 00:06:35,638 It's rag week. Heh. 124 00:06:35,770 --> 00:06:37,101 Rag week? 125 00:06:37,188 --> 00:06:38,303 Yes, you know, for charity, sir. 126 00:06:38,440 --> 00:06:39,725 Oh, I see. 127 00:06:39,983 --> 00:06:41,473 Some local college or university? 128 00:06:41,610 --> 00:06:42,975 No, no, it's the store's rag week, sir. 129 00:06:43,111 --> 00:06:44,442 The store's rag week? 130 00:06:44,529 --> 00:06:46,144 Yes. The senior staff don'tjoin in much. 131 00:06:46,281 --> 00:06:48,112 It's for the trainees, really. 132 00:06:48,199 --> 00:06:49,484 Not very good for business, is it? 133 00:06:49,576 --> 00:06:50,736 Oh, it's for charity. 134 00:06:50,994 --> 00:06:52,609 People are awfully good about it, you know. 135 00:06:52,704 --> 00:06:54,695 lsee,yeah. 136 00:06:54,831 --> 00:06:57,322 Right, sir. Well, I'll get you a senior assistant. 137 00:06:57,459 --> 00:06:58,824 Ants, was it? Yes, please, yes. 138 00:06:59,085 --> 00:07:01,076 Mr. Snetterton? 139 00:07:01,171 --> 00:07:02,627 Could you look after--? I don't want him! 140 00:07:02,714 --> 00:07:03,703 Oh, please, give me a chance. 141 00:07:04,007 --> 00:07:05,167 No! 142 00:07:05,258 --> 00:07:06,998 All right. Mr. Hartford. 143 00:07:07,093 --> 00:07:08,549 Yes, good morning, sir. 144 00:07:08,678 --> 00:07:10,168 Can I help you? Yes, please. 145 00:07:10,263 --> 00:07:12,254 I'm interested in buying an ant. 146 00:07:12,349 --> 00:07:14,635 Ah, yes. And, uh, what price were you thinking of paying, sir? 147 00:07:14,726 --> 00:07:17,012 Oh, well, I hadn't actually got as far as that. 148 00:07:17,145 --> 00:07:18,601 Well, sir, they start about halfa P, 149 00:07:18,688 --> 00:07:20,679 but they can go as high as 3P, 150 00:07:20,774 --> 00:07:22,685 or even 3 and a half P for a champion. 151 00:07:22,776 --> 00:07:24,607 Uh, inflation, I'm afraid. 152 00:07:24,694 --> 00:07:27,356 Well, I should think one about 1 and a half P, please. 153 00:07:27,447 --> 00:07:30,029 You'll get a serviceable little animal for that, sir. 154 00:07:30,116 --> 00:07:33,608 Quite frankly, the half-P ones are a bit on the mangy side. 155 00:07:33,703 --> 00:07:34,738 What, uh--? 156 00:07:35,038 --> 00:07:36,744 What length was sir thinking of? 157 00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:39,031 Oh, uh...medium? 158 00:07:39,167 --> 00:07:41,408 Medium. Medium, medium, medium, medium. 159 00:07:41,544 --> 00:07:42,533 Yes, here we are. 160 00:07:42,629 --> 00:07:45,120 [CLEARS THROAT] 161 00:07:45,215 --> 00:07:48,378 Now, um, that one there is an Ayrshire. 162 00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:53,804 And that one there is a King George bitch, I think. 163 00:07:54,057 --> 00:07:56,639 And that one killing the little flitbat is an Afghan. 164 00:07:56,726 --> 00:07:58,466 That's a nice one. 165 00:07:58,561 --> 00:08:00,017 Oh, well, let's see how you get on with him, eh? 166 00:08:02,399 --> 00:08:03,980 Ah, yes, he likes you. 167 00:08:04,067 --> 00:08:05,227 He's taken to you. 168 00:08:05,318 --> 00:08:06,228 What do you feed them on? 169 00:08:06,361 --> 00:08:07,316 Uh, blancmange. 170 00:08:07,404 --> 00:08:09,019 Blancmange? 171 00:08:09,114 --> 00:08:10,604 I'm sorry, I don't know why I said that. 172 00:08:10,740 --> 00:08:11,980 No, you don't feed them at all. 173 00:08:12,075 --> 00:08:13,736 Well, what do they live on? 174 00:08:14,035 --> 00:08:15,320 They don't. They die. 175 00:08:16,413 --> 00:08:17,653 They die? 176 00:08:17,747 --> 00:08:19,533 Of course they do, if you don't feed them. 177 00:08:19,624 --> 00:08:21,239 I don't understand. 178 00:08:21,376 --> 00:08:23,037 Well, you let them die. Then you buy another one. 179 00:08:23,128 --> 00:08:24,538 It's much cheaper than feeding them. 180 00:08:24,629 --> 00:08:26,585 You have a constant variety of little companions. 181 00:08:26,715 --> 00:08:28,751 | see. That's the advantage of owning an ant. 182 00:08:29,050 --> 00:08:30,256 Well, I'll take this one. Oh, dear, I've dropped it. 183 00:08:30,343 --> 00:08:32,584 Never mind. Here's another one. Thank you. 184 00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:34,089 Is there anything else HIneed? 185 00:08:34,222 --> 00:08:36,178 Yes, sir, you'll need an ant house. 186 00:08:36,266 --> 00:08:39,099 This is the, uh, model we recommend, sir. 187 00:08:42,105 --> 00:08:43,185 Won't it get out of there? 188 00:08:43,273 --> 00:08:44,763 Yes. 189 00:08:45,025 --> 00:08:46,265 Then what's the point of having the cage? 190 00:08:49,612 --> 00:08:51,022 Well, none at all really. 191 00:08:51,114 --> 00:08:52,604 Then some little pieces of cage furniture, 192 00:08:52,699 --> 00:08:54,155 which will keep him entertained. 193 00:08:54,284 --> 00:08:55,239 There's an ant-wheel. 194 00:08:55,326 --> 00:08:59,035 And there's a little ant-swing. 195 00:08:59,122 --> 00:09:01,408 Here, sir, here's a very nice one here, a little ladder. 196 00:09:01,499 --> 00:09:03,581 He can run up, ring the bell, that's a trick he can learn. 197 00:09:03,668 --> 00:09:05,033 Will he live long enough? 198 00:09:05,128 --> 00:09:06,709 Not really, no. But it's best to have one. 199 00:09:06,963 --> 00:09:10,126 And, um, here's a two-way radio he can play with. 200 00:09:10,258 --> 00:09:12,624 And then of course you'll need, uh, the book. 201 00:09:12,719 --> 00:09:14,004 The book? 202 00:09:14,137 --> 00:09:17,379 Uh, yes, yes. The, uh-- The book on ants. 203 00:09:17,474 --> 00:09:19,180 | see. 204 00:09:19,309 --> 00:09:23,302 So, sir, that is, if I may say so, 184 pounds, 205 00:09:23,438 --> 00:09:24,644 one and a half P, sir. 206 00:09:24,773 --> 00:09:26,559 Well, will you take a check? 207 00:09:26,649 --> 00:09:28,765 Yes, sir, if you don't mind leaving a blood sample 208 00:09:29,027 --> 00:09:30,733 and a piece of skin 209 00:09:30,987 --> 00:09:32,602 off the back of the scalp just here, sir. 210 00:09:32,697 --> 00:09:34,358 Sorry, it's just for identification, you know? 211 00:09:34,491 --> 00:09:36,652 Can't be too careful. 212 00:09:36,785 --> 00:09:38,321 Oh, lthink I'll put it on account. 213 00:09:38,411 --> 00:09:39,992 I should, sir. Much less painful. 214 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:41,536 Uh, there we are. 215 00:09:41,664 --> 00:09:43,620 Anyway, sir, you know what they say about an ant. 216 00:09:43,708 --> 00:09:45,198 A friend for life, eh? 217 00:09:45,335 --> 00:09:46,450 Well, a friend for its life anyway. 218 00:09:46,544 --> 00:09:48,034 Now, then, uh-- 219 00:09:48,171 --> 00:09:51,379 Ah. Here we are. His name's Marcus. 220 00:09:52,133 --> 00:09:53,748 Right. 221 00:09:54,010 --> 00:09:56,217 If the little chap should go to an early grave, sir, 222 00:09:56,346 --> 00:09:57,756 give us a ring and we'll stick a few in an envelope, 223 00:09:58,014 --> 00:09:59,049 all right? 224 00:09:59,182 --> 00:10:00,342 Thanks very much, indeed. 225 00:10:00,475 --> 00:10:01,590 Not at all. Thank you, Mr. Ellis. 226 00:10:01,684 --> 00:10:03,345 Shhh! What did you say? 227 00:10:03,436 --> 00:10:05,176 I said, thank you, Mr. Ellis. It's not him. 228 00:10:05,271 --> 00:10:06,511 Why did you say l was Mr. Ellis? 229 00:10:06,648 --> 00:10:07,558 Who? 230 00:10:07,690 --> 00:10:09,396 No, no, he didn't say that. 231 00:10:09,526 --> 00:10:11,016 Yes, I heard him say, "Thank you, Mr. Ellis." 232 00:10:11,152 --> 00:10:13,108 No, no, he said, "I'm jealous." 233 00:10:13,196 --> 00:10:14,311 What? 234 00:10:14,405 --> 00:10:15,485 "I'm jealous of your ant." 235 00:10:15,573 --> 00:10:16,688 Goodbye. Goodbye. 236 00:10:16,783 --> 00:10:18,319 CLERK 2: Bye-bye. Bye. 237 00:10:18,409 --> 00:10:20,365 I don't care who Michael Ellis is. 238 00:10:22,038 --> 00:10:26,077 [MAN SPEAKING IN GERMAN] 239 00:10:26,209 --> 00:10:28,074 Excuse me, l was in the ant counter a minute ago-- 240 00:10:28,211 --> 00:10:30,372 [SPEAKING IN GERMAN] 241 00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:36,716 [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY] 242 00:10:42,559 --> 00:10:44,641 [BELL DINGING] 243 00:10:54,070 --> 00:10:55,560 MAN [OVER PA]: Will Mr. Michael Ellis please 244 00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:58,397 go straight to the manager's office. 245 00:10:58,533 --> 00:11:00,069 I'II repeat that. 246 00:11:00,201 --> 00:11:02,487 Will Mr. Nigel Mellish please 247 00:11:02,579 --> 00:11:05,241 go straight to the manager's office. 248 00:11:10,378 --> 00:11:12,209 What you got now? 249 00:11:12,297 --> 00:11:13,503 I bought an ant, Mother. 250 00:11:13,590 --> 00:11:15,080 Oh, devil. 251 00:11:15,175 --> 00:11:16,506 What do you want one of them for? 252 00:11:16,593 --> 00:11:17,753 I'm not gonna clean it out. 253 00:11:18,052 --> 00:11:19,132 You said you'd clean the tiger out, 254 00:11:19,262 --> 00:11:20,752 but do you? 255 00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:22,720 No, I suppose you've lost interest in it now. 256 00:11:22,807 --> 00:11:26,174 Now it'll be "ant, ant, ant" for a couple of days, 257 00:11:26,269 --> 00:11:27,554 then all of a sudden: 258 00:11:27,645 --> 00:11:30,432 "Oh, Mum, I've bought a sloth 259 00:11:30,565 --> 00:11:33,523 or some other odd-toed ungulate like a tapir." 260 00:11:33,610 --> 00:11:35,191 No, it's really different this time, Mum. 261 00:11:35,278 --> 00:11:37,018 I'm really gonna look after this ant. 262 00:11:37,113 --> 00:11:40,105 That's what you said about the sperm whale. 263 00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:42,612 Now your papa's having to use it as a garage. 264 00:11:42,744 --> 00:11:44,359 Well, he didn't feed it properly. 265 00:11:44,454 --> 00:11:46,740 Where are we gonna get 44 tons of plankton 266 00:11:46,831 --> 00:11:48,412 from every morning? 267 00:11:48,499 --> 00:11:51,115 Your papa was dead vexed about that. 268 00:11:51,211 --> 00:11:53,076 They thought he was mad in the deli. 269 00:11:53,171 --> 00:11:54,661 Well, at least he's got a free garage. 270 00:11:54,797 --> 00:11:56,333 Right, no good to him. 271 00:11:56,466 --> 00:11:58,127 His Hillman smells all fishy. 272 00:11:58,218 --> 00:11:59,458 [TIGER GROWLING] 273 00:11:59,594 --> 00:12:01,004 Oh, blimey, there's the tiger. 274 00:12:01,137 --> 00:12:03,093 He'll be wanting his mandies. 275 00:12:03,181 --> 00:12:05,092 Are you giving that tiger drugs? 276 00:12:05,183 --> 00:12:07,139 Course I'm giving it drugs. 277 00:12:07,268 --> 00:12:08,599 It's illegal. 278 00:12:08,686 --> 00:12:10,222 You try telling that to the tiger. 279 00:12:10,313 --> 00:12:11,644 Well, I think it's dangerous. 280 00:12:11,773 --> 00:12:14,310 Listen, before he started fixing, 281 00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:17,517 he used to get through four Jehovah's Witnesses a day. 282 00:12:17,654 --> 00:12:19,269 And he used to eat all of them, 283 00:12:19,364 --> 00:12:20,399 except for the pamphlets. 284 00:12:20,490 --> 00:12:22,071 Well, he's not dim. [GROWLING] 285 00:12:22,158 --> 00:12:23,489 MUM: All right. 286 00:12:23,618 --> 00:12:25,358 Well, I think I'll go watch one of the televisions. 287 00:12:25,495 --> 00:12:26,450 Come on, Marcus. 288 00:12:26,537 --> 00:12:27,697 Oh, by the way, 289 00:12:27,830 --> 00:12:29,491 Michael's been on the phone all day for you. 290 00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:30,697 Michael? 291 00:12:30,833 --> 00:12:32,198 Yeah, you know, Michael. 292 00:12:32,335 --> 00:12:34,166 Michael. Michael Ellis. 293 00:12:34,295 --> 00:12:36,536 Yeah, he's been on the phone all day. 294 00:12:36,673 --> 00:12:38,334 He, uh, came round twice. 295 00:12:38,424 --> 00:12:39,413 What's he look like? 296 00:12:39,509 --> 00:12:41,170 Oh, ldidn't see him. 297 00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:43,047 The orange-rumped agouti answered the door. 298 00:12:43,179 --> 00:12:44,760 Only useful animal you ever bought, that. 299 00:12:45,014 --> 00:12:46,003 Where is he now? 300 00:12:46,140 --> 00:12:47,630 He's upstairs 301 00:12:47,725 --> 00:12:49,386 forging prescriptions for the sodding tiger. 302 00:12:49,519 --> 00:12:51,680 No,no,no, where's Michael Ellis now? 303 00:12:51,813 --> 00:12:53,349 Oh, ldon't know. 304 00:12:53,439 --> 00:12:54,679 Hesam it wasn't important, anyway. 305 00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:56,514 All right, here I come. 306 00:13:08,371 --> 00:13:11,033 [J‘] 307 00:13:12,542 --> 00:13:14,578 Hello, and welcome to the University of the Air. 308 00:13:14,711 --> 00:13:16,451 And first this afternoon, 309 00:13:16,546 --> 00:13:19,413 Part 17 of our series on animal communications. 310 00:13:19,549 --> 00:13:21,710 This afternoon we look at recent discoveries 311 00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:23,666 in the field of intraspecific signaling codes 312 00:13:23,761 --> 00:13:27,128 in the family formicidae. 313 00:13:27,223 --> 00:13:29,179 That's a stroke of luck, Marcus. 314 00:14:37,210 --> 00:14:38,791 Turn that bloody thing off! 315 00:14:39,045 --> 00:14:40,501 ...bring you the latest news 316 00:14:40,630 --> 00:14:43,042 of the extraordinary Michael Ellis saga. 317 00:14:43,132 --> 00:14:44,338 Apparent/y Michael Ellis-- 318 00:14:44,467 --> 00:14:46,082 Hey, I was watching that. 319 00:14:46,177 --> 00:14:47,166 Bloody thing. 320 00:14:47,303 --> 00:14:48,292 It's upsetting the tiger. 321 00:14:48,429 --> 00:14:49,418 [TIGER GROWLS] 322 00:14:49,514 --> 00:14:51,300 Oh, Christ. 323 00:14:52,475 --> 00:14:54,636 [CLATTERING] 324 00:14:58,314 --> 00:15:00,145 End of the announcement. 325 00:15:02,193 --> 00:15:04,229 And now, back to University of the Air 326 00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:06,561 and our series for advanced medical students, 327 00:15:06,656 --> 00:15:09,693 Elements of Surgical Homeopathic Practice. 328 00:15:09,992 --> 00:15:12,233 Part 68, "Ants." 329 00:15:12,328 --> 00:15:14,284 Oh, we're in luck again, Marcus. 330 00:15:18,334 --> 00:15:20,325 Hello, formicidophiles. 331 00:15:20,461 --> 00:15:22,122 Well, before all the blood and guts 332 00:15:22,213 --> 00:15:23,544 you're waiting to see, 333 00:15:23,673 --> 00:15:26,415 let's have a look at the anatomy of the little ant. 334 00:15:26,509 --> 00:15:30,172 The body of the ant is divided into three sections: 335 00:15:30,304 --> 00:15:34,092 The head, the thorax and the abdomen. 336 00:15:34,183 --> 00:15:35,798 They're enclosed in a hard, 337 00:15:36,060 --> 00:15:39,268 armor-like covering called the exoskeleton, 338 00:15:39,355 --> 00:15:41,016 which provides some protection 339 00:15:41,107 --> 00:15:43,189 from other nasty little insects. 340 00:15:45,111 --> 00:15:47,568 not from the dissector’s scalpel. 341 00:15:47,697 --> 00:15:49,653 See, nothing to it. 342 00:15:49,740 --> 00:15:51,276 He ’3 not such a toughie. 343 00:15:51,367 --> 00:15:53,028 And his legs, they help him carry 344 00:15:53,161 --> 00:15:54,617 hundreds of times his own weight, 345 00:15:54,704 --> 00:15:56,160 but look at this: 346 00:15:56,247 --> 00:15:58,704 You're not so strong compared to me. 347 00:15:58,833 --> 00:16:01,324 Four, five, six. Ha! 348 00:16:01,419 --> 00:16:04,206 I didn't know ants had six legs, Marcus. 349 00:16:04,297 --> 00:16:07,084 I assure you they do, Mr. Ellis. 350 00:16:07,216 --> 00:16:09,673 Hey, you've got two legs missing. 351 00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:11,375 And that's a false feeler, Marcus. 352 00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:12,631 Blimey. 353 00:16:18,644 --> 00:16:20,054 I'm taking this ant back, Mother, 354 00:16:20,188 --> 00:16:21,223 he's got two legs missing. 355 00:16:21,314 --> 00:16:23,054 Mrs. McWong's been on the phone. 356 00:16:23,191 --> 00:16:26,604 The polar bear's been in her garden again. 357 00:16:26,736 --> 00:16:28,442 I'll get it on the way back from the store. 358 00:16:28,571 --> 00:16:29,526 Well, mind you do. 359 00:16:29,614 --> 00:16:31,479 His droppings are enormous. 360 00:16:31,574 --> 00:16:33,189 Oh, and by the way, while you're out, 361 00:16:33,284 --> 00:16:35,275 get us another couple of tellies, would you. 362 00:16:35,411 --> 00:16:37,197 Here's 180 quid. 363 00:16:52,053 --> 00:16:53,509 Second floor. 364 00:16:53,596 --> 00:16:56,759 Stationery, leather goods, nasal injuries, 365 00:16:57,016 --> 00:17:01,225 cricket bats, film stars, dolphinariums. 366 00:17:12,114 --> 00:17:13,445 Third floor. 367 00:17:13,533 --> 00:17:17,196 Cosmetics, books, Irish massage, 368 00:17:17,286 --> 00:17:20,073 tribal headgear, ants. 369 00:17:20,164 --> 00:17:22,371 But not complaints about ants. 370 00:17:22,458 --> 00:17:24,949 Oh, where do | go to complain? 371 00:17:25,086 --> 00:17:27,042 Straight on, then left, 372 00:17:27,129 --> 00:17:28,994 then right past the thing, 373 00:17:29,131 --> 00:17:30,712 then up the little stairs, 374 00:17:30,967 --> 00:17:34,130 then right past the bit where it's gone all soft, 375 00:17:34,220 --> 00:17:36,256 then down the wobbly bit, 376 00:17:36,347 --> 00:17:38,178 left past the nail, 377 00:17:38,307 --> 00:17:41,174 past the brown stain on the wall to your right, 378 00:17:41,310 --> 00:17:42,641 and it's the door marked "exit," 379 00:17:42,770 --> 00:17:46,604 straight ahead of you on the left. 380 00:17:46,691 --> 00:17:48,602 Thank you. 381 00:17:48,693 --> 00:17:52,652 Fourth floor, kiddies' vasectomies. 382 00:17:52,780 --> 00:17:54,486 I don't want you. 383 00:17:54,615 --> 00:17:56,480 Oh, something wrong with your little ant friend? 384 00:17:56,617 --> 00:17:58,278 No, I'm not gonna tell you. 385 00:17:58,369 --> 00:18:00,360 Oh, has he got something missing in the leg department? 386 00:18:00,496 --> 00:18:01,451 No. 387 00:18:01,539 --> 00:18:02,745 Yes, sir. 388 00:18:02,999 --> 00:18:04,034 No, no, no. 389 00:18:04,166 --> 00:18:05,246 Oh, it's all right, sir. 390 00:18:05,334 --> 00:18:07,746 It's for the sack race later on, sir. 391 00:18:08,004 --> 00:18:09,619 No, no. I want to speak to the general manager. I want to complain. 392 00:18:09,714 --> 00:18:11,079 You want the Toupee Hall in that case, sir. 393 00:18:11,173 --> 00:18:12,162 The what? 394 00:18:12,300 --> 00:18:13,665 The Toupee Hall, Mr. Ellis. 395 00:18:18,472 --> 00:18:19,962 Excuse me. 396 00:18:20,057 --> 00:18:22,013 Could you tell me the way to the Toupee Hall, please? 397 00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:23,090 Sorry? 398 00:18:23,185 --> 00:18:24,300 Ah, the Toupee Hall. 399 00:18:24,395 --> 00:18:26,260 The what? 400 00:18:26,355 --> 00:18:28,516 The Toupee Hall. 401 00:18:28,608 --> 00:18:30,724 Oh, the Toupee Hall. 402 00:18:31,027 --> 00:18:33,689 Gladys, where are toupees now? Yes? 403 00:18:33,988 --> 00:18:35,023 Toupees? 404 00:18:35,156 --> 00:18:36,191 This gentleman wants one. 405 00:18:36,282 --> 00:18:37,988 A toupee? Mmm. 406 00:18:38,075 --> 00:18:39,531 Well, no, actually. 407 00:18:39,660 --> 00:18:41,525 I think they're in surgical appliances now. 408 00:18:41,621 --> 00:18:43,361 Oh, that's right, yes, 409 00:18:43,497 --> 00:18:45,203 you go left at artificial limbs and hearing aids, 410 00:18:45,291 --> 00:18:47,282 right at dentures, and it's on your left, 411 00:18:47,376 --> 00:18:49,082 just by glass eyes. 412 00:18:49,211 --> 00:18:51,372 It doesn't say "toupees" to avoid embarrassing people, 413 00:18:51,505 --> 00:18:52,711 but you can smell them. 414 00:18:52,798 --> 00:18:54,163 Thank you. 415 00:18:58,554 --> 00:19:00,465 You can see the join. 416 00:19:00,556 --> 00:19:01,921 Yes, you can. 417 00:19:03,934 --> 00:19:06,391 WOMAN: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. 418 00:19:06,479 --> 00:19:10,472 It's so nice to see such a large turnout this afternoon. 419 00:19:10,566 --> 00:19:14,650 And I'd like to start off by welcoming our guest speakers 420 00:19:14,737 --> 00:19:17,319 for this afternoon, Mr. Wadsworth-- 421 00:19:17,406 --> 00:19:18,521 Wordsworth. 422 00:19:18,616 --> 00:19:20,572 Sorry, Wordsworth. 423 00:19:20,701 --> 00:19:22,532 Mr. John Koots, 424 00:19:23,412 --> 00:19:24,401 and Percy Bysshe. 425 00:19:24,538 --> 00:19:26,028 Shelley! 426 00:19:26,123 --> 00:19:27,454 Oh, just a little one, medium dry. 427 00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:30,957 And Alfred Lord. 428 00:19:31,087 --> 00:19:32,042 Tennyson. 429 00:19:32,129 --> 00:19:33,585 Tennis ball. Son. 430 00:19:33,714 --> 00:19:35,250 Sorry. Alfred Lord, 431 00:19:35,341 --> 00:19:38,504 who is evidently Lord Tennisball's son. 432 00:19:38,594 --> 00:19:41,427 And to start off, I'm going to ask Mr. Wadsworth 433 00:19:41,514 --> 00:19:45,507 to recite his latest offering, a little pram entitled: 434 00:19:45,601 --> 00:19:48,092 "l Wandered Lonely as a Crab." 435 00:19:49,605 --> 00:19:53,393 And it's all about ants. 436 00:19:53,484 --> 00:19:56,226 I wandered lonely as a cloud 437 00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:57,275 Oh. 438 00:19:57,363 --> 00:19:58,648 That floats on high 439 00:19:58,781 --> 00:20:00,521 O'er vales and hills 440 00:20:00,616 --> 00:20:03,198 When all at once lsaw a crowd 441 00:20:03,285 --> 00:20:06,448 A host of golden worker ants 442 00:20:06,580 --> 00:20:08,787 [APPLAUSE] 443 00:20:13,713 --> 00:20:16,580 Thank you, thank you, Mr. Bradlaugh. 444 00:20:16,674 --> 00:20:19,131 Now, Mr. Bysshe-- Shelley. 445 00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:21,254 Oh, just a little. 446 00:20:21,345 --> 00:20:24,633 --is going to read one of his latest psalms 447 00:20:24,724 --> 00:20:27,557 entitled "Ode to a Crab." 448 00:20:28,686 --> 00:20:31,302 Well, it's not about crabs, actually. 449 00:20:31,439 --> 00:20:33,395 It's called "Ozymandias." 450 00:20:33,482 --> 00:20:35,768 It's not an ode. 451 00:20:36,026 --> 00:20:38,768 I met a traveler In an antique land 452 00:20:39,029 --> 00:20:42,237 Who said, six vast And trunk/ess legs of stone 453 00:20:42,324 --> 00:20:44,280 Stand in the desert. 454 00:20:44,368 --> 00:20:46,780 And on the pedestal These words appear: 455 00:20:47,037 --> 00:20:50,621 My name is Ozymandias King of ants 456 00:20:50,708 --> 00:20:52,198 ALL: Ooooh! 457 00:20:52,334 --> 00:20:55,041 Look on my feelers, termites And despair! 458 00:20:55,171 --> 00:20:58,038 I am the biggest ant You'll ever see. 459 00:20:58,174 --> 00:20:59,163 ALL: Ooh! 460 00:20:59,258 --> 00:21:00,668 The ants of old weren't 461 00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:02,796 Half as bold and big 462 00:21:03,053 --> 00:21:04,668 And fierce as me 463 00:21:04,805 --> 00:21:07,137 [WILD APPLAUSE] 464 00:21:12,146 --> 00:21:16,014 Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Amontillado. 465 00:21:16,150 --> 00:21:19,108 I'd like to ask one or two of you at the back 466 00:21:19,195 --> 00:21:21,151 not to soil the carpet. 467 00:21:21,238 --> 00:21:24,025 There is a restroom upstairs, 468 00:21:24,116 --> 00:21:26,357 if you find the poems too exciting. 469 00:21:28,454 --> 00:21:30,194 Good afternoon. 470 00:21:30,331 --> 00:21:35,291 Next, Mr. Dennis Keat will recite his latest problem: 471 00:21:35,377 --> 00:21:37,743 "Ode to a Glass of Sherry." 472 00:21:41,050 --> 00:21:43,416 My heart aches And a drowsy numbness 473 00:21:43,552 --> 00:21:46,544 Pains my senses As though an anteater I'd seen 474 00:21:46,680 --> 00:21:47,715 ALL: Oh! 475 00:21:47,807 --> 00:21:48,796 A nasty long-nosed brute 476 00:21:49,058 --> 00:21:50,548 [ALL YELLlNG] 477 00:21:50,643 --> 00:21:52,429 With furry legs And sticky, darting tongue 478 00:21:52,561 --> 00:21:54,722 I seem to feel its cruel jaws 479 00:21:54,814 --> 00:21:56,554 Crunch, crunch There go my legs 480 00:21:56,649 --> 00:21:58,230 Snap, snap, my thorax too 481 00:21:58,359 --> 00:22:00,645 My head's in twain There goes my brain 482 00:22:00,736 --> 00:22:02,317 Swallow, swallow 483 00:22:02,404 --> 00:22:04,986 It's true, don't you see, it's true! 484 00:22:05,074 --> 00:22:07,281 It happens. It's happened! 485 00:22:07,409 --> 00:22:08,740 Please. 486 00:22:09,036 --> 00:22:12,028 Ladies and gentlemen, I do apologize for that last-- 487 00:22:12,122 --> 00:22:15,080 Well, I hesitate to call it a pram, 488 00:22:15,167 --> 00:22:16,407 but I had no idea. 489 00:22:16,544 --> 00:22:18,159 And talking of filth, 490 00:22:18,254 --> 00:22:20,245 l have asked you once about the carpet. 491 00:22:20,381 --> 00:22:24,249 Now, I do appreciate that last poem was very frightening. 492 00:22:24,343 --> 00:22:25,753 But, please. 493 00:22:26,011 --> 00:22:29,253 Now, before we move on to tea and pramwiches, 494 00:22:29,348 --> 00:22:33,466 I would like-- I would like to ask Arthur Lord Tenniscourt 495 00:22:33,602 --> 00:22:37,345 to give us his latest little plum, entitled 496 00:22:37,439 --> 00:22:39,555 "The Charge of the Ant Brigade." 497 00:22:39,650 --> 00:22:41,106 Half an inch 498 00:22:42,319 --> 00:22:43,559 Half an inch 499 00:22:43,654 --> 00:22:44,769 MAN: The queen, the queen! 500 00:22:45,072 --> 00:22:47,108 [FANFARE PLAYING] 501 00:22:52,329 --> 00:22:54,035 My loyal subjects. 502 00:22:54,123 --> 00:22:58,412 We are here today on a matter of national import. 503 00:22:58,502 --> 00:23:02,620 My late husband and we are increasingly disturbed 504 00:23:02,756 --> 00:23:05,122 by recent developments in literary style 505 00:23:05,217 --> 00:23:08,505 that have taken place here in Germany-- England. 506 00:23:08,637 --> 00:23:09,717 There seems to be an 507 00:23:09,972 --> 00:23:11,462 increasing tendency for the ant-- 508 00:23:11,599 --> 00:23:12,805 Uh, the ant-- 509 00:23:13,058 --> 00:23:15,265 The-- The ant to become the dominant-- 510 00:23:15,352 --> 00:23:16,307 [SPEAKS IN GERMAN] 511 00:23:16,437 --> 00:23:17,472 Theme. 512 00:23:17,605 --> 00:23:20,768 Theme among poetry here in Germany. 513 00:23:21,025 --> 00:23:23,641 We are not, uh-- 514 00:23:23,777 --> 00:23:26,109 Entertained. Entertained. 515 00:23:26,196 --> 00:23:28,437 From now on, ants is verboten. 516 00:23:28,532 --> 00:23:30,773 Instead it's skylarks, daffodils, 517 00:23:31,035 --> 00:23:32,991 nightingales, light brigades and-- 518 00:23:33,120 --> 00:23:36,362 [SPEAKS IN GERMAN] 519 00:23:43,088 --> 00:23:44,294 Well, we must away now, 520 00:23:44,381 --> 00:23:46,337 or we shall be late for the races. 521 00:23:46,467 --> 00:23:48,003 God bless you alles. 522 00:23:48,135 --> 00:23:50,501 [FANFARE PLAYING] 523 00:23:56,644 --> 00:23:58,680 MAN: Psst! 524 00:23:58,771 --> 00:24:02,559 Electric kettles over here, sir. 525 00:24:04,693 --> 00:24:05,682 Don't worry, sir, 526 00:24:05,986 --> 00:24:07,567 you're amongst friends now, sir. 527 00:24:07,696 --> 00:24:09,277 Mr. Bradford, Mr. Crawley. 528 00:24:09,365 --> 00:24:11,151 These are our fitters, sir. 529 00:24:11,241 --> 00:24:13,527 We've had a lot of experience in this field, 530 00:24:13,661 --> 00:24:16,027 and we do pride ourselves. We offer the best 531 00:24:16,121 --> 00:24:19,363 and most discreet service available. 532 00:24:19,500 --> 00:24:21,491 I don't know whether you'll believe this, sir, 533 00:24:21,585 --> 00:24:23,200 but one of us is actually 534 00:24:23,295 --> 00:24:25,377 wearing a toupee at this moment. 535 00:24:27,216 --> 00:24:28,626 Well, you all are, aren't you? 536 00:24:32,429 --> 00:24:33,384 Have you got one? 537 00:24:33,514 --> 00:24:35,050 Yeah, but I thought you-- 538 00:24:35,182 --> 00:24:36,137 I didn't know you. I thought it was me. 539 00:24:36,225 --> 00:24:37,465 I thought it was me! 540 00:24:37,559 --> 00:24:38,674 So did I. That is good. 541 00:24:38,769 --> 00:24:40,009 Oh! 542 00:24:40,104 --> 00:24:42,095 It is, yeah. 543 00:24:42,231 --> 00:24:43,346 Actually, I only came in here 544 00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:45,351 to ask where the manager's office was. 545 00:24:45,442 --> 00:24:47,398 Just a minute, someone told you we all had toupees? 546 00:24:47,528 --> 00:24:48,483 No. 547 00:24:48,570 --> 00:24:49,650 Oh, yeah. 548 00:24:49,738 --> 00:24:51,023 How did you know? 549 00:24:51,115 --> 00:24:52,651 Well, it's pretty obvious, isn't it? 550 00:24:52,741 --> 00:24:54,572 What do you mean, obvious? 551 00:24:54,660 --> 00:24:56,400 His is undetectable. 552 00:24:56,537 --> 00:24:59,199 Well, it's a different color, for a start. 553 00:24:59,289 --> 00:25:00,199 Is it? 554 00:25:00,290 --> 00:25:01,530 Of course it isn't. 555 00:25:01,625 --> 00:25:02,990 It doesn't fit in with the rest of his hair. 556 00:25:03,085 --> 00:25:04,074 lt sticks up in the middle. 557 00:25:04,169 --> 00:25:05,124 Well, it's better than yours. 558 00:25:05,254 --> 00:25:06,209 Yes. 559 00:25:06,296 --> 00:25:07,251 I'm not wearing one. 560 00:25:07,381 --> 00:25:08,336 [ALL LAUGH] 561 00:25:08,424 --> 00:25:09,413 Not wearing one. 562 00:25:09,508 --> 00:25:11,214 Why'd you come here in, then? 563 00:25:11,301 --> 00:25:12,507 They told me to find the manager's office here. 564 00:25:12,594 --> 00:25:14,755 Oh, no, not again. 565 00:25:15,014 --> 00:25:16,003 Bit lame, isn't it? 566 00:25:16,098 --> 00:25:17,087 It's the truth. 567 00:25:17,182 --> 00:25:18,137 Manager's office. 568 00:25:18,267 --> 00:25:19,382 I mean, look at it. 569 00:25:19,476 --> 00:25:21,512 Where did you get that, eh? Mac Fisheries? 570 00:25:21,603 --> 00:25:22,592 Ha, ha, ha, ha. 571 00:25:22,688 --> 00:25:23,643 Dreadful, isn't it? 572 00:25:23,772 --> 00:25:24,761 Nylon? 573 00:25:25,024 --> 00:25:26,389 It's not, it's real, look. 574 00:25:26,483 --> 00:25:29,350 Oh, anyone can do that. 575 00:25:29,445 --> 00:25:30,776 Come on, get it off. 576 00:25:31,030 --> 00:25:32,065 Look, do you want a proper one? 577 00:25:32,156 --> 00:25:33,111 No, I don't need one. 578 00:25:33,198 --> 00:25:35,029 There's no need to be ashamed. 579 00:25:35,117 --> 00:25:36,402 We've all owned up. 580 00:25:36,493 --> 00:25:37,778 I'm not wearing one. 581 00:25:38,078 --> 00:25:39,614 Don't you see, this is something 582 00:25:39,747 --> 00:25:42,033 you've got to come to terms with. 583 00:25:42,124 --> 00:25:43,489 I am not wearing a toupee. 584 00:25:43,625 --> 00:25:45,081 Theyjust told me to come in here 585 00:25:45,169 --> 00:25:46,204 to find the manager's office, 586 00:25:46,295 --> 00:25:47,284 to complain about my ant. 587 00:25:47,421 --> 00:25:49,252 Complain about an ant? 588 00:25:49,339 --> 00:25:51,455 Look, this is for your own good. 589 00:25:51,592 --> 00:25:52,798 Ow! 590 00:25:56,263 --> 00:25:58,470 MAN: All right. Take a seat. 591 00:25:58,557 --> 00:26:01,299 You see, it ought to have a safety catch. 592 00:26:01,393 --> 00:26:03,133 I mean-- Ooh! 593 00:26:03,228 --> 00:26:06,265 I mean, what if this fell into the wrong hands? 594 00:26:06,356 --> 00:26:08,972 Yes, madam. l'll speak to the makers personally. 595 00:26:09,109 --> 00:26:10,315 Oh, would you? 596 00:26:10,444 --> 00:26:13,356 It would put my mind at ease. 597 00:26:13,489 --> 00:26:14,444 Thank you. 598 00:26:14,531 --> 00:26:15,771 [FLAMETHROWER FIRING] 599 00:26:16,033 --> 00:26:17,694 WOMAN: Sorry, oh, sorry. 600 00:26:19,453 --> 00:26:20,488 Next? 601 00:26:20,579 --> 00:26:22,410 He's still molesting her. 602 00:26:22,498 --> 00:26:25,410 Yes, yes, I'll see you in a moment, sir. 603 00:26:25,501 --> 00:26:27,037 I've got a complaint to make. 604 00:26:27,169 --> 00:26:29,501 Ah, take a seat. I'm sorry it's on fire. 605 00:26:29,630 --> 00:26:32,167 Oh, not at all. I got used to this out east. 606 00:26:32,299 --> 00:26:34,085 Oh, where were you out east? 607 00:26:34,176 --> 00:26:37,213 Oh, NonNay, Sweden. Places like that. 608 00:26:37,346 --> 00:26:38,426 Oh, I'm terribly sorry, 609 00:26:38,514 --> 00:26:40,345 my suit seems to keep catching fire. 610 00:26:40,474 --> 00:26:41,429 Extinguisher? 611 00:26:41,517 --> 00:26:43,178 Oh, no, thank you. 612 00:26:43,268 --> 00:26:45,475 I think we'd better let it run its course. 613 00:26:45,562 --> 00:26:47,018 lwasjust thinking, uh, 614 00:26:47,106 --> 00:26:49,222 NonNay is not very east, is it? 615 00:26:49,358 --> 00:26:51,349 No, I should have said, "When I was out north." 616 00:26:51,443 --> 00:26:53,525 Yes, sir. Are there many fires in NonNay? 617 00:26:53,654 --> 00:26:54,643 Oh, good Lord, yes. 618 00:26:54,738 --> 00:26:56,729 The place is a constant blaze. 619 00:26:57,032 --> 00:26:58,317 Wooden buildings, do you know. 620 00:26:58,408 --> 00:26:59,693 Yes. Mmm. 621 00:26:59,785 --> 00:27:01,195 No, I lost my wife in NonNay. 622 00:27:01,286 --> 00:27:02,275 Oh, lam sorry to hear that. 623 00:27:02,371 --> 00:27:03,360 Why, did you know her? 624 00:27:03,455 --> 00:27:04,945 No. No, I don't. 625 00:27:05,040 --> 00:27:06,746 Oh, she wasn't a favorite of mine. 626 00:27:07,042 --> 00:27:09,374 No, we were out strolling across a fjord one day 627 00:27:09,461 --> 00:27:12,578 when one of the local matadors came out of his tree house 628 00:27:12,714 --> 00:27:15,751 and flung a load of old scimitars and guillotines out 629 00:27:16,051 --> 00:27:18,007 that he'd got cluttering up his wine cellar. 630 00:27:18,095 --> 00:27:20,256 And apparently, a rather large proportion of them 631 00:27:20,389 --> 00:27:22,129 landed on my wife, 632 00:27:22,224 --> 00:27:24,431 causing her to, uh, snuff it without much more ado. 633 00:27:24,560 --> 00:27:25,515 Yes, yes, well, look. 634 00:27:25,602 --> 00:27:27,342 [PA CHIMES] 635 00:27:27,437 --> 00:27:29,223 WOMAN [ON PA]: Here is an important announcement 636 00:27:29,356 --> 00:27:30,971 about Michael Ellis. 637 00:27:31,066 --> 00:27:33,307 It is now the end of Michael Ellis week. 638 00:27:33,402 --> 00:27:35,734 From now on, it is Chris Quinn week. 639 00:27:36,029 --> 00:27:37,394 What a rotten ending. 640 00:27:37,531 --> 00:27:39,487 Well, it is one of our cheapest, sir. 641 00:27:39,575 --> 00:27:41,236 Well, what else have you got? 642 00:27:41,326 --> 00:27:43,237 Well, there's the long, slow pullout, sir. 643 00:27:43,370 --> 00:27:45,577 You know, the camera tracks back and back and you mix. 644 00:27:45,664 --> 00:27:47,655 [CHIMES RINGING] 645 00:27:47,749 --> 00:27:50,081 No, no, no. Have you got anything more exciting? 646 00:27:50,169 --> 00:27:51,409 Well, how about a chase? 647 00:27:51,545 --> 00:27:52,751 There he is! 648 00:27:54,506 --> 00:27:57,748 [J‘] 649 00:27:58,010 --> 00:27:59,625 Oh, no, no, no. 650 00:27:59,761 --> 00:28:01,126 Walking into the sunset? 651 00:28:01,263 --> 00:28:02,924 What's that one? 652 00:28:03,056 --> 00:28:05,718 You know, two lone figures silhouetted against 653 00:28:05,976 --> 00:28:06,931 the dying rays of the setting sun. 654 00:28:07,060 --> 00:28:08,675 [J‘] 655 00:28:08,937 --> 00:28:10,473 The, uh-- The music swells, 656 00:28:10,606 --> 00:28:12,471 you've got a lump in your throat 657 00:28:12,608 --> 00:28:14,348 and a tear in your eye. 658 00:28:14,443 --> 00:28:15,603 Oh, no. 659 00:28:15,694 --> 00:28:17,309 Pity, I rather like that one. 660 00:28:17,446 --> 00:28:18,777 They're all a bit off the point, you see? 661 00:28:19,031 --> 00:28:20,237 Well, there is one that ties up 662 00:28:20,324 --> 00:28:22,485 the whole Michael Ellis thing, but, um... 663 00:28:22,618 --> 00:28:23,573 But what? 664 00:28:23,660 --> 00:28:24,615 Oh, no, nothing, nothing. 665 00:28:24,745 --> 00:28:25,951 Who is Michael Ellis? 666 00:28:26,079 --> 00:28:27,489 How about a happy ending, sir? 667 00:28:27,623 --> 00:28:29,284 Chris! Thank God you're safe. 668 00:28:29,374 --> 00:28:31,239 No, you wouldn't want that, would you? 669 00:28:31,335 --> 00:28:33,200 Why wouldn't I want that? 670 00:28:33,295 --> 00:28:36,128 Uh, what about summing up from the panel? That's cheap. What? 671 00:28:36,215 --> 00:28:38,456 You know, the, uh, big match experts. 672 00:28:38,592 --> 00:28:40,708 I think that it was quite a good show, isn't it? 673 00:28:40,969 --> 00:28:42,300 I think that the, uh-- 674 00:28:42,429 --> 00:28:46,138 The Michael Ellis character was a-- A little overdone. 675 00:28:46,266 --> 00:28:48,302 Well, I don't agree with that, Malcolm. 676 00:28:48,435 --> 00:28:51,677 Uh, quite frankly, the only bit I liked 677 00:28:51,813 --> 00:28:54,179 was this bit with me in it, now. 678 00:28:54,316 --> 00:28:55,271 No? 679 00:28:55,359 --> 00:28:57,224 Slow fade? 680 00:28:57,319 --> 00:28:58,980 No. 681 00:28:59,112 --> 00:29:01,478 Well, uh, how about a sudden ending?