[MUSIC]
>> DAD! >> OH GOD, NO. >> DADDY, YOU ASLEEP?
DAD?
>> WHAT?
>> DAD, I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL
YOU.
>> IS IT IMPORTANT?
>> YES DAD.
>> HOW IMPORTANT IS IT?
>> AN EIGHT.
>> IS IT A CHILD'S EIGHT
OR AN ADULT'S EIGHT?
>> I DON'T KNOW.
I'VE NEVER BEEN AN ADULT.
>> VANESSA, I JUST FINISHED
WORKING 18 HOURS IN
THE HOSPITAL.
I DELIVERED OVER 8,000 BABIES.
I AM REALLY, REALLY TIRED. AND IF THIS IS NOT REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT, I'M GOING
TO BE REALLY, REALLY ANGRY.
>> DAD, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
IF I TELL YOU AND IT'S NOT
IMPORTANT, YOU'LL BE ANGRY
WITH ME.
AND IF I DON'T TELL YOU AND IT
IS IMPORTANT, YOU'LL BE ANGRY
WITH ME.
WHY DID I EVER COME DOWNSTAIRS?
>> TO PUNISH ME.
>> DAD.
>> NOW, WHAT IS IT?
>> RUDY'S HOME.
>> THERE BETTER BE MORE. >> THERE IS. YOU KNOW, RUDY'S PET GOLDFISH,
LAMONT?
>> YES.
>> THE ONE YOU BOUGHT FOR HER
BECAUSE SHE ATE ALL HER PEAS.
>> YEAH.
>> NOW, DON'T THINK I'M
COMPLAINING BECAUSE I EAT ALL
MY PEAS AND YOU DON'T BUY ME
A THING.
>> IS THIS ABOUT BUYING YOU
SOMETHING?
>> NO, IT'S ABOUT RUDY'S
GOLDFISH.
>> WHAT ABOUT RUDY'S GOLDFISH?
>> HE'S DEAD.
>> I'M SORRY.
>> RUDY DOESN'T KNOW YET.
>> ARE YOU SURE THE THING IS
DEAD?
>> ARE FISH SUPPOSED TO FLOAT ON
THEIR BACKS?
>> AND RUDY DOESN'T KNOW IT YET.
>> SHE'S FEEDING HIM.
>> AND HE'S NOT EATING? >> NOW YOU'RE COOKING. >> HI, I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HOME.
>> HI MOM.
>> HI.
WAIT 'TIL YOU HEAR WHAT I DID
AT WORK TODAY.
>> YEAH WELL, NOT RIGHT NOW,
DEAR.
WE GOT A LITTLE PROBLEM.
>> WHAT IS IT?
>> RUDY'S GOLDFISH IS DEAD.
>> WELL, HOW IS SHE TAKING IT?
>> SHE DOESN'T KNOW YET.
DAD HERE IS GOING TO BREAK IT TO
HER, AND I'M GOING TO WATCH.
>> OKAY WELL, I'LL TELL YOU
MY NEWS LATER.
>> HI MOM!
>> THEO!
>> YOUR MOM WAS FANTASTIC AT
WORK TODAY.
>> GREAT MAMA, WHAT'S FOR
DINNER?
>> I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT ARE YOU FIXING?
>> TOUGH ONE, DAD? >> I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN RUDY
AND LAMONT.
I MEAN I TOOK HER INTO THE PET
STORE.
WE CAME IN FRONT OF THIS HUGE
TANK, FISH TANK, YOU UNDERSTAND?
SHE WALKED RIGHT UP TO IT
AND SHE SAID, "I WANT THAT ONE."
THE MAN TOOK THE NET, WENT IN,
CAUGHT A FISH,
PUT IT IN THE BAG.
SHE SAID, "THAT'S NOT HIM."
THERE'S 10,000 FISH, ALL LOOK
THE SAME IN THAT TANK.
MY DAUGHTER SAYS,
"THAT'S NOT HIM."
SHE SAYS, "THERE HE IS."
THE MAN GOES IN AGAIN,
PULLS A FISH OUT.
SHE SAYS, "THAT'S NOT HIM."
FINALLY AFTER ABOUT 20 MINUTES,
THE MAN STARTS TO LOOK AT ME.
SHE SAYS, "THAT'S NOT HIM."
I SAID, "THAT'S NOT HIM.
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY?"
SO FINALLY, THE MAN STEPS DOWN,
HANDS RUDY THE NET.
RUDY CLIMBS UP ON A CRATE, HOLDS
THE NET OUT, IT DOESN'T TOUCH
THE WATER.
LAMONT JUMPS UP INTO THE NET.
SHE SHOWS HIM TO HIM AND SAYS, "THAT'S HIM." I SAID TO THE MAN,
"IT WAS ALL THE TIME."
I HAVE NEVER KNOWN HER TO HAVE
A RELATIONSHIP OR BE THIS CLOSE
TO ANYONE IN ALL HER LIFE.
>> DADDY?
>> YES DEAR.
>> ARE YOU STALLING?
>> THAT WAS A VERY TOUCHING
STORY.
>> YES DADDY, A LONG TOUCHING
STORY.
>> HI RUDY, WHAT YOU DOING?
>> PLAYING.
>> SO, HOW'S EVERYTHING? >> FINE. >> GOOD.
>> EVERYTHING OKAY? >> UH-HUH. >> THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK.
>> WELL DOCTOR?
>> RUDY, DADDY WANTS TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT LAMONT. >> LAMONT?
>> YEAH.
YOU SEE, DEAR, LAMONT HAS GONE
AWAY.
>> NO, HE HASN'T.
HE'S RIGHT HERE.
>> WELL YES AND NO.
YOU SEE, GOLDFISH ARE NOT VERY
STRONG AND SOMETIMES WITHOUT
WARNING, THEY JUST STOP DOING
THINGS FOREVER.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M
SAYING?
>> UH-HUH.
>> WHAT AM I SAYING?
>> I DON'T KNOW.
>> DAD, LET ME TRY.
>> HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?
>> RUDY, WHAT DAD'S TRYING TO
TELL YOU IS THAT YOUR GOLDFISH
IS DECREASED.
>> CLOSE. DECEASED. >> WHAT'S DECEASED?
>> DEAD.
>> WHAT'S DEAD?
>> YOUR GOLDFISH, YUCK!
DAD, HE IS DEAD.
>> NO.
LAMONT IS MORE THAN JUST A BODY.
HE IS FUNNY STORIES.
HE'S NIBBLING FOOD.
HE'S SWIMMING THROUGH
THE LIGHTHOUSE.
LAMONT WILL ALWAYS BE WITH US.
>> OH!
WELL YEAH.
CAN I FLUSH THE BODY?
>> GO TO YOUR ROOM.
>> WHAT DID I SAY?
>> GO TO YOUR ROOM.
>> YOU UNFEELING BEAST.
>> COME OVER HERE, HONEY.
>> DADDY, IS HE REALLY DEAD?
>> YOU CAN CRY IF YOU WANT TO.
>> MAYBE LATER.
>> YOU THINK WE COULD DO SOMETHING TO CHEER HER UP. >> WHY DON'T WE FIX HER FAVORITE
DINNER?
>> NOW, THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
>> HOT DOGS.
>> THAT'S YOUR FAVORITE DINNER.
>> HOW ABOUT YOUR FAMOUS
SCRAMBLED EGGS?
>> NOW, THAT'S WHAT WE'LL
DO FOR HER.
WHAT ELSE DO YOU THINK
WE COULD DO?
>> SHE'S ALWAYS WANTED A DOG.
>> NO, YOU WANTED A DOG.
>> DENISE.
>> YEAH.
>> A GREAT THING HAPPENED
FOR ME AT WORK TODAY.
>> REALLY?
TELL ME ABOUT IT.
>> OH, YOU DEAR GIRL.
>> OH MOM, THAT'S FOR ME.
>> HERE WE GO,
DAD'S FAMOUS EGGS.
>> IS A GOOD THING HE DIDN'T
SERVE FISH TONIGHT?
[LAUGHING]
>> HEY, UNLESS YOU'RE PLANNING
ON EATING THAT BASKETBALL,
GET IT OFF THE TABLE.
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
ALL RIGHT NOW, LOOK HONEY,
PLEASE COME ON,
YOU'VE GOT TO EAT.
I MADE THESE SPECIAL FOR YOU.
JUST TAKE A--
>> CAN I LEAVE THE TABLE?
>> JUST TAKE A LITTLE BITE.
>> I'M TOO SAD TO EAT.
>> NOW, THAT'S ALL RIGHT, HONEY.
COME ON.
WE'LL GO UPSTAIRS.
COME ON.
AH, OH RUDY, YOUR MAMA DID
THE MOST FANTASTIC THING
AT WORK TODAY.
>> MOM, NOT NOW.
>> BOY, SHE'S REALLY TAKING THIS THING HARD. DENISE,
THOSE ARE NOT RIBS.
THEY'RE EGGS, DEAR.
AND YOU MADE A MISTAKE, YOU LEFT
SOME KETCHUP IN THE BOTTLE.
>> DADDY, THESE ARE FINE.
>> YOU GUYS JUST DON'T EVEN SEEM
TO CARE ABOUT YOUR SISTER.
>> DADDY, DON'T YOU THINK YOU'RE
JUST BLOWING THIS A BIT OUT OF
PROPORTION?
IT'S JUST A DEAD FISH.
>> RIGHT.
SOUNDS LIKE FLUSH-A-BYE TIME
TO ME.
SEE, WE ALL GATHER AROUND THE
BATHROOM BOW AND THEN, SWOOSH,
FLUSH HIM OUT TO GLORY!
[LAUGHING]
>> WHAT IF WE SAID A LITTLE
PRAYER BEFORE WE HIT THE HANDLE?
>> DADDY, A FUNERAL FOR A FISH.
>> THAT'S NOT A BAD IDEA.
>> OR WHY NOT HAVE
REVEREND WINNINGHAM COME OVER
AND DELIVER A EULOGY?
>> THAT'S A BETTER IDEA.
>> DADDY!
>> DAD.
>> DADDY.
>> DAD, COME ON.
>> WE'RE ONLY KIDDING, DAD.
DAD DAD DAD DAD, IT'S OKAY TO BE
WEIRD HERE BUT YOU'RE GOING
OUTSIDE THE HOUSE NOW.
>> OH, HE'S REALLY DOING IT!
>> DADDY!
>> DADDY, PLEASE DON'T DO THIS.
>> HELLO REVEREND?
>> HE'S THE MINISTER.
HE'LL TELL GOD WE'RE CRAZY.
>> JUST A MINUTE PLEASE.
>> WE'LL DO ANYTHING YOU SAY.
>> YOU GUYS WILL COME
TO THE FUNERAL?
>> YES.
>> YOU'LL DO WHATEVER I ASK
YOU TO?
>> YES!
>> [LAUGHING]
YOU'LL WEAR FUNERAL CLOTHING?
HELLO REVEREND?
>> YES!
>> JUST A RELIGIOUS QUESTION.
>> COME ON, DADDY.
>> CHRISTMAS, WILL IT BE THE
SAME TIME AGAIN AS LAST YEAR?
I SEE.
ALL RIGHT, YEAH DECEMBER 25TH,
ALL RIGHTY!
OKAY, NICE TALKING TO YOU.
BYE-BYE.
>> NO, THAT'S ALL RIGHT. IT'LL KEEP IF YOU'RE BUSY. IT'S NOT THAT IMPORTANT.
YEAH SURE, MOM,
I'LL CALL YOU TOMORROW.
BYE.
>> RUDY OKAY?
>> SHE'LL BE ALL RIGHT.
>> OKAY SO, TELL ME ABOUT
YOUR DAY.
>> MY DAY?
>> YES, YOU KNOW, THE EXCITING NEWS. >> FORGET ABOUT THAT.
>> OKAY, WELL I KNOW WHAT THAT
MEANS.
FILING OF THE NAILS MEANS DEAD
HUSBAND ON THE FLOOR.
>> I TRIED TO TALK TO EVERYBODY
IN THIS FAMILY, AND NOBODY
WANTED TO LISTEN.
I EVEN CALLED MY MOTHER.
>> IT'S THAT BAD, HUH?
I'M GOING TO SIT IN THIS CHAIR.
I'M NOT MOVING OUT OF THIS
CHAIR, AND I'M GOING TO LISTEN.
>> DO YOU PROMISE?
>> I SWEAR.
I'M NOT GETTING OUT OF THIS
CHAIR.
>> LAST WEEK, I WAS READING
THE BURLY CONSTRUCTION CONTRACT.
>> BURLY CONSTRUCTION CONTRACT,
I KNOW IT WELL.
>> CLIFF?
>> YEAH.
>> SHUT UP AND LISTEN.
NOW, NOBODY ELSE IN THE OFFICE
WANTED TO TOUCH IT BECAUSE
EVERYBODY THOUGHT IT WAS
A HOPELESS CASE, RIGHT?
BUT I FOUND THIS TINY LOOPHOLE
THAT [BEEPER INTERRUPTS]
>> GO AHEAD.
GO AHEAD.
>> THAT WAS YOUR BEEPER.
>> I KNOW.
I HEARD IT.
LOOPHOLE, GO AHEAD.
>> WELL, I FOUND THIS LOOPHOLE
THAT SAVED THE CLIENT OVER
$10,000 AND EVERYBODY IN
THE OFFICE GOT SO EXCITED.
EVEN MR. GREENBROOK SR.--
>> UH-OH.
>> CAME OVER TO SHAKE MY H- [BEEPER]
>> GO AHEAD, GO AHEAD.
MR. GREENBROOK SR. CAME--
>> DON'T YOU THINK YOU BETTER
MAKE THAT CALL?
>> NO, BECAUSE IF IT'S
AN EMERGENCY, SEE,
THEY JUST GIVE ONE LONG BEEP.
GO AHEAD.
MR. GREENBROOK SR. CAME OUT OF
THE OFFICE.
>> MR. GREENBROOK SR. CAME OUT
OF THE OFFICE TO SHAKE
MY HAND AND THEN-- [LONG BEEP]
>> OKAY, GO AHEAD.
GO AHEAD, MR. GREENBROOK.
>> AND HE SAID--
>> HOLD IT,
YEAH, THIS IS DR. HUXTABLE.
OH, MRS. DAVIS HAS LEFT FOR
THE HOSPITAL.
WELL, HOW FAR APART ARE THEY?
NO, NO, NOT THE LABOR PAINS,
THE HOUSE TO THE HOSPITAL?
OKAY FINE, WELL JUST CALL THE
HOSPITAL AND TELL THEM THAT I'LL
BE THERE AS SOON AS I CAN.
THANK YOU, BYE-BYE.
CAME OUT OF THE OFFICE AND--
>> AND I THINK YOU BETTER GO.
>> NO!
NO, I REALLY DON'T HAVE TO GO.
I WANT TO HEAR THIS.
HONEST TO GOODNESS, HONEY
PLEASE, THAT MRS. DAVIS,
THIS IS HER NINTH CHILD.
PLEASE, BELIEVE ME,
SHE DOESN'T NEED ME.
I'M JUST A FRILL.
NOW, COME ON.
TELL ME PLEASE.
CAME OUT OF THE OFFICE--
>> AND HE SHOOK MY HAND.
>> SHOOK YOUR HAND!
>> AND SAID CONGRATULATIONS.
>> CONGRATULATIONS!
AND?
>> AND THEN HE WENT BACK INTO
THE OFFICE.
>> [LAUGHING]
THAT IS THE SADDEST STORY I'VE
EVER HEARD IN MY WHOLE LIFE.
HO, COME IN!
>> DAD, I TOLD RUDY ABOUT
THE FUNERAL.
SHE WANTS TO KNOW WHERE LAMONT'S
GOING TO END UP.
>> IN HEAVEN.
>> OKAY.
>> FUNERAL?
>> YEAH, WE'RE GIVING LAMONT
A LITTLE SENDOFF IN THE POWDER
ROOM.
>> WHAT?
>> WELL, I THOUGHT
IT WOULD BE NICE TO--
HO!
>> DAD?
>> YEAH.
>> SHE WANTS TO KNOW WHERE
LAMONT'S GOING TO END UP REALLY.
>> IN THE RIVER.
>> OKAY.
>> WHAT'S GOING ON?
>> I JUST THOUGHT IT'D BE NICE
TO HAVE A LITTLE FUNERAL FOR
LAMONT.
ANYWAY, CONGRATULATIONS BECAUSE
HEAVEN KNOWS WHEN THAT MAN WILL
COME OUT OF THAT OFFICE AGAIN.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?
NOW, IS THIS THE DARKEST THING
THAT YOU HAVE IN THAT CLOSET?
>> WHY?
>> FOR THE FUNERAL.
>> WE ARE DRESSING?
>> WELL, IT'S FOR THE FUNERAL
FOR LAMONT.
NOW, JUST GO AHEAD.
>> I LOVE LIVING HERE, COMING IN
THIRD AFTER YOUR PATIENTS
AND A DEAD GOLDFISH.
>> HEY CLAIR!
THE FISH GOES,
YOU MOVE TO NUMBER TWO.
>> CALLING ALL MOURNERS! CALLING ALL MOURNERS! >> OH DAD.
>> YEAH "OH DAD," YOU DON'T WANT
ME TO CALL THE REVEREND AGAIN.
>> I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING ELSE BLACK. >> GO IN AND GET YOUR SISTER
READY PLEASE.
>> HERE DAD, MATCHBOX
FOR THE COFFIN.
>> HE'S TOO BIG.
HE WON'T FIT IN THAT.
>> WELL, CAN'T WE BEND HIM?
>> WHEN RUDY COMES OUT, GO IN
AND GET THE FISH, ALL RIGHT?
CALLING ALL MOURNERS!
>> LET'S DO IT.
YOU LIKE IT?
>> WEAR IT WHEN I'M DEAD.
>> DADDY, HARVEY'S COMING TO
PICK ME UP IN ABOUT 5 MINUTES.
SO, CAN WE JUST MOVE IT ALONG?
>> MOVE IT ALONG?
THIS IS NOT A HOLLYWOOD FUNERAL.
NOW, TAKE THE SUNGLASSES OFF.
PUT THE SUNGLASSES BACK ON.
CLAIR!
I FEEL A LITTLE OVERDRESSED FOR
THE POWDER ROOM.
>> NO, YOU LOOK JUST FINE.
NO JEWELRY.
>> DADDY? >> COME ON OVER HERE, BABY, BESIDE DADDY.
SHE'S WEARING LAMONT'S FAVORITE
DRESS.
I THINK IT REMINDED HIM
OF THE SEA.
>> DAD.
>> OKAY, LET'S PROCEED WITH
THE FUNERAL PLEASE.
>> I CLOSED HIS EYES FOR YOU.
>> WE ARE GATHERED HERE FOR THIS SPECIAL OCCASION TO SAY GOODBYE TO LAMONT.
NOW, GATHER AROUND PLEASE.
WE'RE HERE TO SAY GOODBYE TO
A CHERISHED FRIEND,
LAMONT GOLDFISH.
LAMONT WAS A GOOD FISH,
HAPPY AND BRAVE.
>> I ALWAYS FELT SAFE WITH HIM
AROUND.
>> AND SO AS TO ALL FISH,
LAMONT'S TIME ON THIS EARTH--
>> DADDY, I WANT TO WATCH
TELEVISION.
>> YEAH, WELL SEE, WE'RE HAVING
A FUNERAL FOR YOUR FRIEND.
>> I WANT TO WATCH TV NOW.
>> ME TOO.
>> NOBODY'S GOING TO WATCH TV
UNTIL THE FUNERAL IS OVER.
IS THAT CLEAR?
>> CLIFF, IF SHE DOESN'T WANT
THE FUNERAL, MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T
HAVE IT.
>> WE GOT DRESSED UP FOR THIS,
AND WE'RE GOING TO HAVE IT.
RIGHT, RUDY?
RUDY!
FORGIVE HER, PLEASE.
>> HE'S TALKING TO THE [CUCKOO HUM]
>> OH DADDY, THAT'S HARVEY.
>> WHERE YOU GOING?
HEY!
DON'T YOU WANT TO SAY GOODBYE
TO LAMONT?
>> WELL DAD, HE DIDN'T SAY
GOODBYE TO US.
>> NO, YOU'RE GOING TO COME BACK
HERE.
>> CLIFF--
>> THEY'RE GOING TO--
>> THIS IS FINISHED.
>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN FINISHED?
>> THE PARTY IS OVER.
>> THIS IS NOT A PARTY.
THIS IS A FUNERAL FOR LAMONT.
>> THE ONLY ONE WHO WANTS THIS
FUNERAL IS YOU.
YOU HAVE FORCED THIS ON ALL OF
US.
>> I FORCED IT ON ALL OF US?
>> YES.
>> AH, AND YOU LOVE THIS.
THIS MAKES YOU VERY HAPPY,
DOES IT?
>> NO.
>> YES.
YOU ARE HAPPY, "MY HUSBAND
HAS GONE CRAZY."
>> BUT HONEY, IT'S RIDICULOUS.
>> WHAT IS RIDICULOUS?
>> LOOK AT YOU STANDING THERE
DRESSED AND HOLDING THE OVER
THE--AND "HE WAS A GOOD
FISH AND"--AND NOBODY CARES!
AND MEANWHILE, THERE'S A WOMAN
LYING IN THE HOSPITAL WAITING
FOR YOU TO COME DELIVER
THE BABY.
>> OH MY GOD.
I'M SORRY LAMONT!
>> DADDY?
>> OH, YOU'VE COME BACK
FOR THE FUNERAL, HUH?
>> NO, I WANT SOME PRIVACY.
>> YOU WANT TO TALK TO LAMONT
BY YOURSELF?
>> NO, I WANT TO
USE THE BATHROOM.
[MUSIC]
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