[MUSIC]
>> WHEW! >> HI SWEETHEART. >> HI CLIFF.
>> WELL, HOW WAS THE CHARMING
AND BEAUTIFUL MRS. HUXTABLE'S
DAY IN COURT?
>> UGH.
>> OOH.
WELL, YOU'LL GET 'EM NEXT TIME.
>> OH, THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID
THE LAST TIME.
>> WELL, THEN IN THAT CASE
YOU BLEW IT.
>> WELL, THANK YOU.
>> HI, MOM.
>> VANESSA, IT IS ALMOST
DINNERTIME.
>> DAD MADE ME DO IT.
>> I SAID SHE COULD HAVE
A SNACK AFTER SHE PRACTICED
THE CLARINET.
>> SO DID SHE?
>> DID YOU?
>> DID I WHAT?
>> PRACTICE THE CLARINET
FOR THE RECITAL?
>> YOU DIDN'T MAKE ME.
>> CLIFF, WILL YOU TELL
YOUR DAUGHTER HOW IMPORTANT
THIS IS?
>> WHAT, YOU PLANNING ON
LEAVING TOWN RIGHT AWAY?
>> EXPLAIN TO THIS GIRL THAT
SHE'S GOT A FEATURED SOLO
IN LESS THAN A WEEK.
>> BUT DEAR, THE GIRL IS
STANDING RIGHT THERE.
>> AND DON'T LET HER
GET OUT OF IT.
>> VANESSA?
VANESSA, I WANT YOU
TO PRACTICE.
>> I WILL, AS SOON AS I FINISH
MY HOMEWORK.
>> HOW MUCH DO YOU HAVE?
>> I HAVE A HISTORY ESSAY
ON THE HUNDRED YEARS WAR.
>> OKAY, HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE?
>> ABOUT 15 MINUTES.
>> WELL, THAT'S NOT BAD,
THAT'S SEVEN YEARS A MINUTE.
>> THAT'S IF I WANT A "D."
>> WHAT IF YOU WANT AN "A?"
>> ABOUT AN HOUR, TOPS.
>> GO FOR THE "A."
>> HI, DADDY.
>> HEY, HOW YOU DOING, PEACHES?
MM-MM!
>> ARE YOU MAD AT ME?
>> SHOULD I BE?
>> THIS MORNING I GOT
A KISS AND A HUG.
>> OKAY.
MM, ROOW!
THERE, THAT BETTER?
>> NO.
>> WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?
>> WHEN MARY LOPEZ' FATHER
KISSES HER, HE SAYS,
"I LOVE YOU, MARY."
>> I LOVE YOU, MARY.
>> RUDY!
>> I LOVE YOU, RUDY!
>> AND HE SAYS IT IN SPANISH.
>> MR. LOPEZ IS A TROUBLEMAKER.
>> AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
>> WHAT?
>> MARY CAN HAVE A SNACK
ANY TIME SHE WANTS.
>> OH, REALLY?
HA!
MOM'S IN THE KITCHEN.
>> WHAT?
>> MY SENTIMENTS EXACTLY.
>> WELL? >> VANESSA PROMISED SHE WOULD PRACTICE.
>> WHEN ARE WE GONNA LEARN?
FIRST IT WAS DENISE
AND HER ICE-SKATING LESSONS.
WE BUY THE ICE SKATES,
THE OUTFIT, SHE LASTS TWO WEEKS.
THEN THERE'S THEODORE
AND HIS KARATE LESSONS,
A DAY AND A HALF.
>> BUT WE DIDN'T GO
FOR TOO MUCH THERE.
ALL WE PAID FOR WAS A WHITE
BATHROBE AND A COUPLE PIECES
OF WOOD.
HOW MUCH DID WE GO FOR
WITH THE CLARINET?
>> OH, WELL, YOU KNOW HOW WE
AGREED THAT WHEN A CHILD SHOWS
AN INTEREST IN SOMETHING,
IT'S OUR PARENTAL DUTY
TO NURTURE IT?
>> RIGHT, BUT WHAT'D IT RUN US?
>> WELL, IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE
HARD UP FOR MONEY OR ANYTHING.
>> WHAT DID IT RUN US?
>> AND, YOU KNOW, YOU'RE NOT
GONNA BELIEVE THIS, BUT IN
THE LONG RUN IT'S A LOT CHEAPER
THAN RENTING.
>> WHAT DID IT RUN US?
>> TWO HUNDRED
FORTY FIVE DOLLARS.
>> TWO HUNDRED
AND FORTY FIVE DOLLARS?
>> BUT THAT INCLUDED THE CASE.
>> WELL, IT BETTER INCLUDE
A SET OF LIPS!
[MUSIC]
>> HA, HA! YOU'RE NOW DEAD MEAT. >> CHECK.
I'M GETTING BETTER
AT THIS GAME, AREN'T I, DAD?
>> UH, THAT WAS A LUCKY MOVE.
>> I WON THE LAST TWO MATCHES.
>> THAT'S BECAUSE I TOYED
WITH YOU.
>> GO AHEAD, PUT IT DOWN.
>> DO I TALK WHEN YOU'RE MOVING
PIECES?
>> LET'S GO, TIME IS MONEY.
>> YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A JOB.
WHERE, WHAT MONEY?
TIME IS MONEY?
OH, TIME AND MONEY--
TIME IS MONEY ME.
YOU KNOW, I HAVE A JOB--
NOT PLANNING ON GETTING A JOB
AND CAN'T EVEN SPELL 'JOB.'
NOW,
DEAL WITH THAT.
>> QUEEN CHECK. >> I KNOW A CHECK WHEN I SEE ONE, MAN.
I'M THE PERSON WHO TAUGHT YOU
HOW TO PLAY, YOU REMEMBER?
>> YEAH, YOU DID A GOOD JOB!
>> ARE YOU PLAYING CHESS OR ARE
YOU CALLING FOR THE BELLHOP?
[HORN BLARING]
HAVE WE MOVED CLOSER
TO THE RIVER?
[CLARINET PLAYING]
>> YOU THINK SHE'S BLOWING
TO THE RIGHT END?
[CLARINET HONKING]
>> I THINK SHE JUST KILLED
A GOOSE.
>> SHE IS AWFUL.
[CLARINET PLAYING]
[SQUEAKS]
>> I THINK WE OUGHT TO SOUNDPROOF HER ROOM. >> AND MOVE.
[CLARINET PLAYING AND SQUEALING]
>> THAT'S IT, HALFTIME, MAN.
>> DAD, THERE'S NO HALFTIME
IN CHESS.
>> THE BAND IS PLAYING,
SO THAT'S HALFTIME.
>> HEY MOM, WHEN YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO DO SOMETHING TOGETHER, I DIDN'T THINK
YOU MEANT JOGGING.
IT'S SO BORING.
>> OH, COME ON, IT'LL BE GREAT,
AND I HATE TO DO IT ALONE.
>> NO, I DON'T THINK SO.
ASK DADDY TO DO IT WITH YOU.
>> ARE YOU KIDDING?
THAT'S WORSE THAN DOING IT
ALONE.
"COME ON, CLAIR!
GET THE LEAD OUT AND LIFT
THOSE KNEES!
SNAP IT UP, WOMAN!"
>> TALKING ABOUT JOGGING?
WHAT TIME YOU WANT TO GO?
>> I DON'T.
>> ALL RIGHT, 7 O'CLOCK.
HO, HO! PLEASE, NO, COME HERE! HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE.
WHERE DID YOU GET THIS FROM?
>> VANESSA SAID I COULD PLAY
WITH IT.
>> THIS IS NOT A TOY,
THIS IS A GOOSE KILLER.
>> HI, DADDY.
>> VANESSA, DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH WE PAID FOR THAT?
>> NO.
>> TWO HUNDRED
AND FORTY FIVE DOLLARS--
TWO, FOUR, FIVE.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT CAN BE
PURCHASED WITH $245?
HMM?
YOU CAN GET BRAKES
FOR SIX CHEVYS.
YOU CAN PURCHASE A TICKET TO
THE LONDON PHILHARMONIC
ORCHESTRA IN LONDON AND SIT
ON THE SAME ROW AS THE QUEEN. >> DAD, I DO APPRECIATE YOU
BUYING THIS FOR ME.
>> IF YOU APPRECIATE IT, WHY IS
RUDY WALKING AROUND, DRAGGING
IT DOWN THE STEPS, TWIRLING IT
LIKE A BATON?
>> SHE IS?
>> YES.
>> DAD, I'M TELLING YOU--
YOU HAVE TO NAIL STUFF DOWN
AROUND HERE.
>> SOME TIME AGO, YOUNG LADY,
YOU CAME TO US AND YOU SAID YOU
WOULD DO ANYTHING IF WE WOULD
ALLOW YOU TO TAKE UP
THE CLARINET.
NOW, WHAT HAPPENED? >> DAD, I JUST DON'T LIKE IT
ANYMORE, AND NEITHER DOES
JANET MEISER.
SHE QUIT TWO WEEKS AGO.
>> SO THAT MEANS YOU HAVE
TO QUIT TOO? >> IT'S NO FUN WITHOUT JANET.
WE'RE JUST LIKE
THE THREE MUSKETEERS,
EXCEPT IT'S ONLY TWO OF US.
COULDN'T I SWITCH TO
GYMNASTICS?
>> NO.
>> IF IT'S THE MONEY, I MEAN
JANET'S FATHER HAWKED HER
CLARINET AND GOT $40 FOR IT.
>> FORTY DOLL--?
I PAID TWO FOR--LOOK,
YOU AGREED TO
BE IN THAT RECITAL.
THEY ARE COUNTING ON YOU.
>> DAD, THEY WON'T EVEN
MISS ME.
>> WHO'S GONNA PLAY
THE CLARINET SOLO?
>> THE TUBA CAN DO IT.
>> NO, YOU CAN QUIT LATER,
WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT.
BUT YOU HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY
TO GO THROUGH WITH THAT
RECITAL.
NOW, YOU ARE GOING TO DO IT.
NOW, I WANT YOU TO PRACTICE,
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
>> I UNDERSTAND.
>> ALL RIGHT,
YOU DO UNDERSTAND ME?
>> YES.
>> ALL RIGHT, THEN.
YOU OKAY?
>> I'M OKAY.
>> OKAY, NOW IS THERE
ANYTHING YOU NEED?
>> NO.
>> YOU SURE?
>> POSITIVE.
>> YOU DON'T WANT BRIGHTER
LIGHTS IN THE ROOM?
>> NO.
>> HOW ABOUT A POT OF COFFEE?
>> NO.
>> ALL RIGHT NOW,
DON'T FORGET, YOU'VE GOT
A RESPONSIBILITY--PRACTICE!
RIGHT?
>> I'LL DO MY BEST.
>> THAT'S ALL I'M ASKING FOR,
PART OF RESPONSIBILITY.
[SQUEAKS] [PLAYING] >> SO, HE WOULDN'T LET YOU
OUT OF IT, HUH?
>> NO.
>> DID YOU GET HIS
RESPONSIBILITY SPEECH?
>> YEAH.
>> THE LONG OR SHORT VERSION?
>> THE LONG VERSION.
>> WITH THE POT OF COFFEE?
>> UH-HUH.
>> SO WHAT DID YOU TELL HIM?
>> I TOLD HIM I'D DO MY BEST.
>> WAS THAT YOUR BEST?
>> YEAH.
>> AND THE RECITAL IS WHEN?
>> IN FIVE DAYS.
I'M IN BIG TROUBLE.
[MUSIC]
>> OH, I'M NOT JOGGING WITH YOU. >> YES, YOU KNOW THAT DEEP DOWN
INSIDE YOU WANT TO.
YOU KNOW THAT YOU'RE GOING
TO WAKE UP IN THE MORNING WITH
AN IRRESISTIBLE URGE TO GO
JOGGING WITH YOUR HUSBAND.
>> JOGGING WITH ALL OF THAT?
LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE GOING
ON A SPACE WALK.
>> CLAIR, IN ORDER TO GO
JOGGING AND DO IT PROPERLY,
YOU MUST HAVE THE NECESSARY
EQUIPMENT.
>> CLIFF, WHY CAN'T YOU BE
SATISFIED WITH A NICE PLEASANT
JOG IN THE PARK?
>> BECAUSE SERIOUS JOGGERS ARE
NOT SATISFIED [AFFECTED] WITH A NICE
PLEASANT JOG IN THE PARK.
NOW, I HAVE THIS, WHICH
MEASURES THE DISTANCE, THIS
WHICH MEASURES THE TIME THAT
I RAN THE DISTANCE IN, AND THIS
WHICH MEASURES THE HYDRO OUTPUT
RATIO, YOU SEE.
>> YOU MEAN SWEAT?
>> YES, OKAY.
>> CLIFF, JOGGING WITH YOU
IS NOT FUN.
>> CLAIR, LET ME TELL YOU--
YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT FUN?
YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT
WHAT IS FUN?
THIS IS THE WAY I JOG.
SEE, I'M SERIOUS.
I HAVE THE PEPPER.
YOU UNDERSTAND?
I HAVE THE PEPPER.
THIS IS THE WAY I'M MOVING.
THIS IS THE WAY MY WIFE JOGS.
MUST HAVE AT LEAST THREE
OF THESE TUCKED HERE,
AND THEN SHE BURSTS OUT!
"OH, CLIFF, CLIFF! YOU'RE MOVING TOO FAST!"
NOW, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU CAN BURN OFF THERE, OTHER THAN THESE TISSUES.
>> CLIFF, I DO NOT ENJOY
JOGGING FULL SPEED CARRYING
59 POUNDS OF UNNECESSARY
EQUIPMENT WHILE YOU SCREAM,
"MOVE IT, CLAIR, MOVE IT!
NO PAIN, NO GAIN!"
NOW, WE ALWAYS GET IN
AN ARGUMENT AND THEN I END UP
WALKING HOME ALONE AND...
I HATE JOGGING WITH YOU.
>> [LAUGHING] OKAY.
[KNOCKING]
>> AND WHOEVER IS UP AT THIS
HOUR HAD BETTER HAVE A GOOD
EXCUSE!
>> CAN'T SLEEP--GOOD ENOUGH?
>> WHAT'S THE MATTER, HONEY?
>> DAD, I DON'T THINK I CAN BE
IN THIS RECITAL.
>> WHY? >> [RASPY] I HAVE A SORE THROAT. >> THE RECITAL'S IN FOUR DAYS.
>> IT'S ONE OF THOSE SLOW
BUILDING SORE THROATS.
>> VANESSA, IT'S AFTER
MIDNIGHT.
NOW, WHAT'S WRONG?
>> MOM, I'M WORRIED.
>> WHAT ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT?
>> YOU'VE HEARD ME PRACTICING.
I'M REALLY BAD, AREN'T I?
>> I THINK YOU'RE DOING
PRETTY WELL.
>> YOU'RE ONLY 11 YEARS OLD,
NOBODY'S ASKING YOU TO PLAY
LIKE BENNY GOODMAN.
>> WHO?
>> LOOK, YOU'RE GOING TO BE
JUST FINE.
I CAN UNDERSTAND YOUR DOUBTS.
I HAD THE SAME DOUBTS WHEN
I WENT OUT ON MY FIRST DATE.
>> DAD, THIS IS NOT THE SAME
THING--YOU HAVE TO PRACTICE
TO DO THIS.
>> LISTEN, I'M TELLING YOU,
MY FIRST DATE I HAD TO PRACTICE.
NOW, WHEN I WAS 13 AND A HALF
YEARS OLD, MY VOICE WAS
CRACKING AND I WAS EMBARRASSED
ABOUT IT.
AND PEOPLE WOULD SAY,
"WHAT IS YOUR NAME?"
AND I'D SAY, [CRACKLY] "MY NAME
IS HEATHCLIFF HUXTABLE."
AND I DIDN'T WANT TO SOUND LIKE
THAT; I WANTED TO SOUND SMOOTH
AND MATURE, SO I PRACTICED.
"WHAT IS YOUR NAME, SON?"
[STRENGTHENING] "HEATHCLIFF HUXTABLE.
HEATHCLIFF HUXTABLE.
HEATHCLIFF HUXTABLE."
AND THEN I BEGAN TO PRACTICE
MY SMILES--I HAD THREE OF 'EM.
I HAD A FULL SMILE.
I HAD A THREE-QUARTER SMILE.
AND THEN I HAD A QUARTER SMILE.
AND I PRACTICED ALL OF THOSE
THINGS.
AND THEN THE NIGHT OF MY DATE,
I WALKED UP TO THE HOUSE, I WAS
NERVOUS, BUT I HAD PRACTICED.
I RANG THE DOORBELL AND HER
FATHER OPENED THE DOOR,
AND HE SAID, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
AND I SAID,
[CRACKLY] "MY NAME IS,"
AND I RAN AWAY,
I RAN FOR ABOUT A BLOCK.
AND THEN I STOPPED MYSELF
AND I SAID, "NO, NO, NO,
YOU PRACTICED!
GO BACK THERE!
GIVE IT TO 'EM!
THREE-QUARTER, ONE-QUARTER,
FULL!"
AND I WENT BACK AND I RANG
THE BELL, AND HE SAID,
"WHO ARE YOU?"
AND I SAID, [STRONG] "MY NAME IS
HEATHCLIFF HUXTABLE."
NOW, DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?
>> YES.
>> ALL RIGHT.
AND SO NOW YOU FEEL BETTER?
>> NO.
GOODNIGHT.
>> GOODNIGHT, VANESSA.
[MUSIC]
>> HA-HUH-HUH-HA-HE-HE! [MAKING AIRPLANE NOISES] [MAKING SHOOTING NOISES]
CHECK!
MATE!
AHHHH!
THAT'S FOUR IN A ROW FOR
THE MAN ON THE COMEBACK TRAIL!
>> DAD, YOU'RE A BAD LOSER,
BUT YOU'RE A WORSE WINNER.
>> AND NOW ON MY DRIVE FOR
FIVE, I AM GOING TO, MY BOY,
LET YOU HAVE THE FIRST MOVE.
>> WAIT A MINUTE, DAD, HOLD ON.
>> WHAT'S THE MATTER,
SOMETHING TROUBLING YOU, SON?
>> NO.
>> WHAT?
ARE YOU LOOKING FOR RAIN?
>> NO.
>> PERHAPS A PENNY FROM HEAVEN
BEING PLAYED ON THE CLARINET
BY YOUR SISTER?
>> HEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
>> WELL, FORGET IT.
SHE'S NOT PLAYING 'TIL
MR. HAMPTON GETS HERE.
>> WHEN'S THAT?
>> SOON.
>> HALFTIME.
>> OH-HO-HO-HO!
>> WHY'S MR. HAMPTON COMING?
>> MR. HAMPTON IS COMING TO GIVE YOUR
SISTER SOME INSTRUCTIONS ON THE CLARINET
HE TOLD ME HE KNEW YOU WHEN YOU WERE A LITTLE BOY.
>> THAT'S TRUE.
MR. HAMPTON IS AN OLD FRIEND.
HE WAS A MUSIC TEACHER
WHEN I WAS IN SCHOOL.
>> THEY HAD MUSIC WHEN YOU WENT
TO SCHOOL?
>> SOME.
>> DID THEY HAVE POTATO CHIPS?
>> YES, WE HAD POTATO CHIPS.
>> DID THEY HAVE TV? >> NO, THEY DIDN'T HAVE TV. >> THEN WHAT DID YOU WATCH
WHILE YOU WERE EATING
POTATO CHIPS?
>> RADIO.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
>> HI, MR. HAMPTON. >> HI, DOC. HOW YOU BEEN?
>> HI, MR. HAMPTON!
>> HI, RUDY!
LONG TIME NO SEE.
>> DO IT, DO IT!
>> DO WHAT?
>> YOU KNOW!
>> OH, YOU ALWAYS ASK ME
TO DO THAT.
WATCH.
>> DADDY, DADDY, LOOK! HIS FACE IS GONNA EXPLODE! >> OH, NO, NO,
NOT OLD RUBBER FACE.
>> CAN HE STAY FOR DINNER?
>> MM-HMM.
>> I WANNA WATCH HIM PUT
A WHOLE CHICKEN IN HIS MOUTH.
>> IF YOU'RE NICE,
I'LL DO SOMETHING FOR YOU.
WATCH NOW.
[PLAYING MOUTH HARP]
>> [MOUTH HARP] I LOVE YOU, RUDY. I LOVE YOU, RUDY. >> I LOVE YOU TOO,
MR. HAMPTON.
>> VANESSA! >> YES, DAD. >> COME ON DOWN, PLEASE, HUN.
>> YEAH--MR. HAMPTON,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
>> GOT US A LITTLE INSURANCE
POLICY ON THE RECITAL.
>> HE'S GONNA TAKE MY PLACE?
>> NO, HE'S GOING TO GIVE YOU
PRIVATE LESSONS.
>> COME ON, LET'S GET STARTED.
>> THANK YOU, DADDY.
>> IT WON'T HELP.
[BASSOON PLAYING]
>> BRAVO! BRAVO! >> THANK YOU, LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN, THAT WAS
BOBBY TUCKER ON THE BASSOON,
GIVING YOU HIS RENDITION
OF "FLIGHT OF THE BUMBLEBEE."
>> IT WAS MORE LIKE
"THE WOUNDED MOTH."
IN JUST A MOMENT NOW WE WILL
HEAR FROM OUR BEGINNER'S CLASS.
>> THAT'S ME.
>> GOOD LUCK, HONEY.
>> IT BETTER BE GOOD.
I GAVE UP HANGING OUT WITH
MY FRIENDS TO SEE THIS.
>> GO GET 'EM, KID.
HEY, WHERE YOU GOING?
>> MY KID ALREADY PLAYED.
>> WHO, THE BUMBLEBEE?
NO, SIT DOWN,
MY KID'S GOING ON.
>> I'M PAYING FOUR DOLLARS
AN HOUR FOR PARKING.
>> YEAH, WELL, I DON'T CARE,
MY--FOUR DOLLARS?
I PAID SIX.
COME ON, WATCH MY KID.
>> AND NOW, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, OUR BEGINNER'S CLASS
WITH THEIR MEDLEY
OF POPULAR SONG, WITH SOLO
BY MISS VANESSA HUXTABLE.
>> WOO!
[SQUEAKING] >> I WANNA GO HOME! [SQUEAKING AND PLAYING]
[PLAYING]
[APPLAUDING]
>> ENCORE! ENCORE! ENCORE!
>> ENTER VANESSA HUXTABLE, QUEEN OF SWING! MASTER OF THE MOUTHPIECE,
WIZARD OF THE WOODWINDS!
>> NO AUTOGRAPHS, PLEASE.
>> SHE'S GOING TO BE IMPOSSIBLE
TO LIVE WITH.
>> HEY, WAY TO GO, VANESSA.
>> YEAH, YOU WERE REAL...GOOD.
>> WELL, NOW THAT YOU'RE A
STAR, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
>> RUDY, ENJOY.
>> OH, BOY!
>> TWO HUNDRED
AND FORTY FIVE DOLLARS.
>> VANESSA?
>> MOM, THE RECITAL IS OVER.
>> YES HONEY, BUT YOU DID
SO WELL THIS EVENING.
DON'T YOU WANT TO AT LEAST
RECONSIDER?
>> NO, NOT REALLY.
>> GYMNASTICS?
>> JANET MEISER HATED
GYMNASTICS.
>> REALLY?
>> WHAT'S SHE DOING NOW?
>> HORSEBACK RIDING.
>> HORSEBACK RIDING?
WE'RE RENTING.
[MUSIC]
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