[MUSIC]
[DOOR CLOSING] >> WHAT TIME IS IT? >> OH, IT'S 3:00
IN THE MORNING.
GO BACK TO SLEEP.
YOU KNOW, THEY SAY THAT EVERY
9 SECONDS A CHILD IS BORN.
AND I THINK TODAY, THEY PICKED
OUR HOSPITAL TO DO IT IN.
I'M TELLING YOU, DEAR,
BABIES WERE COMING
FROM ALL DIRECTIONS.
I WAS AFRAID TO MOVE
OUT OF THE SPOT I WAS IN.
I WALKED PAST A VENT AND TWO
OF 'EM CAME OUT.
I'M NOT KIDDING,
I STARTED SPANKING PEOPLE.
BY THE TIME I GOT TO THE CAR,
THE FELLOW THAT GAVE ME
THE CAR, I HIT HIM ON THE BACK.
AND IT'S A GOOD THING I HAD
MIKE NEWCOMB THERE TODAY
TO GIVE ME A HAND.
>> OH, HOW IS HE?
>> JUST FINE.
AND GUESS WHAT, HE TOLD ME
HE'S GOT A NEW GIRLFRIEND.
>> HE HAS?
>> AND EVERY TIME I BUMPED
INTO HIM, HE WANTED TO TALK
ABOUT HER.
>> I THINK THAT'S TERRIFIC.
IT'S ABOUT TIME HE STARTED
ENJOYING HIMSELF.
IT'S BEEN ALMOST 2 YEARS
SINCE MARION DIED.
>> WELL, I KNOW HE'S SERIOUS
BECAUSE HE'S BRINGING HER
BY HERE TOMORROW.
>> WELL, I CERTAINLY AM GLAD
HE'S HAPPY.
AND CLIFF, I JUST WANT YOU
TO KNOW THAT IF I DIE, YOU HAVE
MY PERMISSION TO MARRY AGAIN.
>> I--I HAVE YOUR PERMISSION. >> YES. [LAUGHING]
BUT YOU'RE DEAD.
>> I WANT YOU TO FIND A WOMAN
WHO CAN MAKE YOU HAPPY
AND HELP TAKE CARE OF THE KIDS.
>> THANK YOU.
[LAUGHING]
>> WOULD YOU?
>> WOULD I WHAT? >> IF I DIE, WOULD YOU MARRY AGAIN?
>> WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT
WHEN IT HAPPENS.
>> WE CAN'T TALK ABOUT IT THEN.
>> OKAY.
NO, THE ANSWER IS NO.
I WOULDN'T.
>> UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES
IF I DIE WOULD YOU MARRY AGAIN.
YOU WOULD BE SINGLE FOREVER?
>> YES.
>> WOULD YOU DATE SOMEBODY?
>> NO, I WOULDN'T.
>> OKAY CLIFF, I'M DEAD.
I'M GONE.
>> AND YOU'RE STILL
IN THE BED WITH ME?
>> WHAT IF YOU MET A GORGEOUS INTERNATIONAL-TYPE BEAUTY? >> NOT INTERESTED.
>> OR YOU MET A WOMAN
WHO COULD SING JAZZ?
>> LIKE LENA HORNE?
>> AND CAN SCAT.
>> LIKE ELLA FITZGERALD.
>> YOU SEE.
>> NOT MY TYPE.
>> WELL, WHAT IS YOUR TYPE?
>> YOU.
>> OKAY, SAY YOU MET ME.
>> YOU'RE DEAD.
>> WELL THEN, SOMEBODY OUT THERE
JUST LIKE ME.
>> YOU'RE DEAD?
>> GONE.
>> OKAY NOW, YOU'RE NOT COMING
BACK, ARE YOU?
>> NO CLIFF, I'M SERIOUS.
>> NO, I'M SERIOUS.
YOU'RE NOT COMING BACK, RIGHT?
>> I'M NOT COMING BACK.
>> SO, YOU'RE DEAD.
>> I'M DEAD.
>> AND THEN I BUMP INTO THIS
WOMAN AND SHE LOOKS EXACTLY
LIKE YOU.
>> EXACTLY LIKE ME.
>> AND YOU'RE DEAD?
OH BOY.
OKAY, SO THEN WHAT I WOULD DO
IS I WOULD CALL HER UP AND I
WOULD ASK HER IF SHE WOULD GO
OUT ON A DATE WITH ME.
AND THEN I WOULD COURT HER
AND I WOULD SEND HER FLOWERS
AND I WOULD CALL HER.
AND I WOULD INTRODUCE HER
TO THE CHILDREN.
AND THEN I WOULD MARRY HER
AND BRING HER IN HERE.
>> WOULD YOU KEEP MY PICTURE UP? >> WELL DEAR, I DON'T HAVE
TO KEEP YOUR PICTURE UP BECAUSE
SHE LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE YOU.
>> GOODNIGHT CLIFF,
YOU NEED SOME SLEEP.
[LAUGHING]
[MUSIC]
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY]
>> AH-AH-AH! >> DID WE WAKE YOU? >> I FOUND IT!
IT HAD COME DOWN THE HALLWAY
AND WENT INTO MY ROOM!
I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING
TO EAT ME UP!
YOU SEE, THERE ARE CERTAIN WAYS
THAT I'M ACCUSTOMED
TO WAKING UP:
BACON, THE SMELL OF BAKING,
THE SMELL OF COFFEE PERKING,
THE TWIRPING OF BIRDS.
I CAN EVEN TAKE THE COLD,
WET NOSE OF A SEA LION
LICKING MY TOES.
THIS IS WHAT THEY CREATED
SO WE WOULDN'T HAVE TO HEAR THIS
IN THE HOUSE.
>> I ONLY HAVE ONE SET.
>> THEN PUT YOUR HEADS
TOGETHER.
>> YOU KNOW DAD, IF YOU JUST
GAVE THIS MUSIC A CHANCE,
YOU MIGHT GET INTO IT.
>> REALLY?
>> YEAH.
>> OH, WHAT A THRILL.
IS--IS THIS IT?
>> YEAH DAD, THAT'S CLYDE.
HE'S REALLY TALENTED.
>> I SEE.
WELL, BUT HE'S STICKING HIS
TONGUE OUT AND TATTOOED
ON HIS TONGUE IS A CACTUS.
>> WELL DAD, IF YOU DON'T PAY
ATTENTION TO CLYDE'S TONGUE
OR HIS MAKEUP AND JUST LISTEN
TO WHAT HE'S TRYING TO SAY.
>> WHAT IS HE TRYING TO SAY?
>> HE'S SAYING THAT THE WORLD
IS CLOSED.
>> THE WORLD IS CLOSED.
>> COULD THEY OPEN IT UP
AND LET HIM OUT?
>> COME ON, DAD.
>> OW!
WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?
>> YOU'RE NOT GOING TO KEEP
MY PICTURE UP, HUH?
>> YES, I'LL KEEP
YOUR PICTURE UP, DEAR.
>> WHERE ARE YOU GOING
TO KEEP IT?
>> OUT IN THE HALLWAY.
AH!
>> WHERE?
[LAUGHING]
I'LL PUT IT IN THE CLOSET.
OH, SORRY.
>> WHERE?
>> OW!
I'LL PUT IT OVER THE BED.
>> A BLOWUP OVER THE BED,
CLIFF.
I WANT A BLOWUP OVER THE BED.
>> WITH LIGHTS.
>> YES.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO
WITH MY CLOTHES?
>> I'LL WEAR 'EM.
I'LL WEAR 'EM.
>> JUST BE SURE YOU DON'T LET
HER WEAR THEM.
>> OH NO, NO.
>> WHAT WILL THE CHILDREN
CALL HER, CLIFF?
>> LOLA.
AH!
OWEE!
OKAY, LISTEN DEAR, OUR FRIEND
OF 20 YEARS, MIKE, IS COMING
OVER THIS AFTERNOON.
WE GOT TO GET DOWNSTAIRS.
>> WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
I'M THINKING ABOUT IT.
>> DEAR, YOU KNOW,
YOU'VE GAINED WEIGHT.
AH!
NO, YOU LOST WEIGHT,
YOU LOST WEIGHT,
YOU LOST WEIGHT!
[LAUGHING]
>> I'LL MAKE YOU SOME COFFEE.
>> OKAY.
YOU KNOW I MADE THAT STATEMENT
UNDER DURESS.
>> WHAT WAS THAT?
>> I SAID YOU'RE THE BEST!
YOU'RE THE BEST!
[MUSIC]
>> THEO, HOW LONG YOU GOING TO DO THIS? >> UNTIL YOU SAY YOU'RE SORRY.
>> BUT I DIDN'T DO IT.
>> YOU'RE LYING!
>> WHAT'S THIS WORD?
>> ARMADILLO.
>> THANKS, VANESSA.
>> COME ON, VANESSA.
I DON'T HAVE ALL DAY.
>> THEN LET GO.
>> NO, NOW COME ON.
>> HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY,
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
>> [TOGETHER] NOTHING.
>> REALLY?
WHY DO YOU HAVE YOUR SISTER
IN A FULL NELSON?
>> BECAUSE SHE PUT SHAVING
CREAM IN MY SHOE AND SHE WON'T
ADMIT IT.
>> DID YOU DO THAT
TO YOUR BROTHER?
>> YES!
>> DID HE DO SOMETHING
TO YOU FIRST?
>> NO!
>> OH WELL THEN, CARRY ON.
[SCREAMING]
>> YOU GO UPSTAIRS AND CLEAN
HIS SHOES OUT.
>> YEAH, YOU CLEAN 'EM.
I WANT YOU TO POLISH 'EM--
[DOORBELL RINGS]
>> MIKE! >> UH-HUH, HEY CLIFF, HOW YOU DOING?
I WANT YOU TO MEET NICKI.
>> HI.
>> NICKI.
>> NICKI PHILLIPS.
>> OKAY.
>> IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU,
DR. HUXTABLE.
I'VE HEARD AN AWFUL LOT OF NICE
THINGS ABOUT YOU.
>> OH, JUST CALL ME CLIFF.
COME ON IN.
>> THANK YOU.
>> SO, DID YOU RECOVER FROM
LAST NIGHT AND GET SOME SLEEP?
>> YEAH, I GOT A LITTLE SLEEP.
>> NICKI, THIS GUY IS BAD.
[LAUGHING]
>> BAD!
LAST NIGHT HE TAKES
MRS. SUMMERS, WHO DELIVERED
IN 20 MINUTES, AND HE TALKS ME
INTO MRS. SHIPLEY WHOSE HUSBAND
WAS RUNNING AROUND TAKING
PICTURES OF EVERYTHING
AND KEPT SAYING TO ME,
"I MISSED IT,
COULD YOU DO IT AGAIN?"
>> WELL, LET ME GO GET--
GET CLAIR.
>> OKAY.
>> THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE.
>> YEAH, I BUILT IT FROM A KIT.
>> ARE THEY HERE? >> YEAH, THEY'RE HERE. >> WELL, WHAT'S SHE LIKE?
[LAUGHING]
SHE'S GOT TWO ARMS, TWO LEGS.
>> OH, COME ON, CLIFF,
SHE CAN'T BE THAT BAD.
>> NO, SHE'S NOT BAD AT ALL.
>> WHERE IS SHE?
>> SHE'S SITTING BESIDE HIM ON THE SOFA.
>> [WHISPERING] CLIFF. CLIFF, THAT IS NO WOMAN. THAT'S SOMEBODY'S CHILD.
>> NOW LOOK, WE'RE ALL
SOMEBODY'S CHILD.
>> WELL, SHE CERTAINLY DOES
LOOK YOUNG.
>> YES, BUT YOU'RE LOOKING
AT HER FROM A DISTANCE.
>> WELL, WHAT DOES SHE LOOK
LIKE UP CLOSE?
>> YOUNGER.
>> OH.
>> NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,
WAIT A MINUTE.
MAYBE SHE'S FROM THAT PART
OF RUSSIA WHERE THEY EAT NOTHING
BUT YOGURT ALL THE TIME.
NOW LOOK, YOU--LOOK AT YOU.
COME ON NOW.
LOOK, YOU'VE GOT TO BEHAVE.
>> NO, YOU BEHAVE.
>> NO NO, YOU BEHAVE.
>> NO, YOU--
>> YOU BEHAVE BECAUSE
I'M NOT SAYING ANYTHING.
>> WELL, WHAT IS THAT?
>> WELL, I CAN'T HELP IT.
>> LOOK, WE OWE IT TO HIM.
WE ARE HIS CLOSEST FRIENDS.
BE NICE.
GIVE HIM A CHANCE, OKAY?
>> OKAY, YOU TAKE THE COFFEE
AND I'LL GET
THE CHOCOLATE MILK.
>> HI! [MUSIC]
>> MIKE TOLD ME THAT HE WAS YOUR RESIDENT PHYSICIAN WHEN YOU WERE AN INTERN,
DR. HUXTABLE.
>> THAT IS CORRECT, YEAH.
>> NICKI, OF ALL THE INTERNS
I EVER HAD, THIS GUY WAS
THE BEST.
>> COME ON.
>> AH, ISN'T THAT WHAT
YOU KEPT TELLING ME?
>> HOW DID YOU TWO MEET?
>> WE MET AT NYU EXTENSION.
I WAS TAKING SHAKESPEARE AND HE
WAS TAKING A COOKING CLASS.
>> I ALWAYS WANTED TO LEARN
HOW TO COOK.
>> MM-HMM.
>> HE GOT IN THE ELEVATOR
WITH ME AND HE HAD HIS FINISHED
SOUFFLÉ THAT HAD FALLEN,
AND HE LOOKED REALLY DEPRESSED
AND CUTE.
[LAUGHING]
>> THAT'S VERY ROMANTIC.
ON OUR FIRST DATE, CLIFF CAME
OVER TO MY HOUSE AND JUST
SAT THERE FOR 2 HOURS.
>> WHY DON'T YOU TELL 'EM THAT
YOUR FATHER SAT BETWEEN US?
>> MIKE SAYS YOU HAVE
THE PERFECT MARRIAGE.
>> WELL, I DON'T KNOW IF WE CAN
LIVE UP TO THAT.
>> YEAH, WELL I KEEP UP MY HALF.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY]
>> HEY!
HOLD IT DOWN UP THERE!
>> OKAY DAD!
>> I WOKE UP TO THAT MESS
THIS MORNING.
>> YOU DON'T LIKE CLYDE?
>> CLIFF AND CLYDE AREN'T
EXACTLY THE BEST OF FRIENDS.
>> WELL, YOU'VE GOT TO DEVELOP
A TASTE FOR HIM.
YOU SHOULD SEE HIM IN CONCERT.
>> YOU DIDN'T GO TO
A CLYDE CONCERT?
>> YEAH.
[LAUGHING]
>> I GOT HIM TICKETS
FOR HIS BIRTHDAY.
>> WE HAD A GREAT TIME.
>> THIS IS CLYDE,
THE GUY WITH THE TONGUE
AND THE TATTOO OF THE--
>> WAIT A MINUTE, CLIFF.
I GOT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.
SOME OF HIS LYRICS
ARE PRETTY GOOD.
LISTEN TO THIS,
"IN THE HEART OF DARKNESS,
I LOOK FOR THE FLAME.
IN THE SOUND OF THE WIND,
I LISTEN FOR YOUR NAME.
I STOP AND DISCOVER
YOU'RE ALL THINGS TO ME."
>> THAT'S LOVELY.
>> IT'S LOVELY BECAUSE HE SAID
THE WORDS.
MR. CLYDE SAYS,
[SCREAMING]
[LAUGHING] >> WELL CLIFF, I GOT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.
I AM NOW LISTENING TO HER CLYDE
ALBUMS AND I GOT HER LISTENING
TO MY MILES DAVIS ALBUMS.
>> AH NOW!
NOW, YOU LIKE THAT, DON'T YOU?
>> NO, NOT HIS EARLIER
RECORDINGS.
BUT I LIKE HIS MORE RECENT
STUFF.
I JUST WISH HE WOULD SING.
>> NICKI, WE GOT TO BE GOING.
WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE
ON A RACQUETBALL COURT
IN ABOUT 5 MINUTES.
>> HE'S TEACHING ME HOW
TO PLAY.
>> WELL, IT'S CERTAINLY NICE
TO MEET YOU.
>> THANK YOU.
I HOPE WE CAN ALL GO OUT
SOMETIME.
>> YEAH, WE'LL GO TO
A MILES DAVIS CONCERT.
I'LL GO BACKSTAGE AND SEE IF
I CAN GET HIM TO SING.
>> OH GREAT!
>> NICKI, DO ME A FAVOR.
DO YOU WANT TO START THE CAR
FOR ME?
I'LL BE OUT IN A MINUTE, OKAY?
>> OKAY.
BYE!
>> BYE-BYE.
>> LISTEN, I SUPPOSE
I SHOULD'VE TOLD YOU HOW YOUNG
SHE WAS BEFORE I CAME OVER,
BUT I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO MAKE UP
YOUR MIND BEFORE YOU MET HER.
>> WELL, SHE SEEMS LIKE
A VERY LOVELY PERSON.
>> WE WISH YOU THE BEST
OF LUCK.
>> THAT'S GREAT.
THANK YOU, CLAIR.
>> BYE MIKE.
>> I LOVE YOU BOTH.
>> THANK YOU.
TAKE CARE, MIKE.
>> HOW OLD IS MIKE? >> HE'S 53. >> HOW OLD DO YOU THINK SHE IS?
>> UNDER 53.
>> WELL, CLIFF,
I HAVE TO CONFESS.
THE WHOLE TIME THEY WERE HERE,
I KEPT LOOKING FOR SOMETHING
TO BE WRONG WITH HER, YOU KNOW,
LIKE MAYBE SHE WAS A BUBBLE
BRAIN OR SOMETHING.
>> MM-HMM.
>> SHE WASN'T.
>> NO.
WELL, SHE'S VERY INTELLIGENT
AND THEY LOOK VERY HAPPY
TOGETHER.
>> WHO WERE YOU GUYS TALKING
ABOUT?
>> MIKE NEWCOMB, HE WAS HERE
TODAY.
>> DR. NEWCOMB?
HOW IS HE?
>> HE SEEMS TO BE DOING
PRETTY WELL.
>> DR. NEWCOMB IS 53 YEARS OLD,
AND HE IS DATING A VERY YOUNG
WOMAN.
>> HOW YOUNG?
>> ABOUT YOUR AGE.
>> REALLY?
IS IT SERIOUS?
>> WELL, THEY SEEM COMPATIBLE.
>> AH, GOOD FOR HIM.
>> WOULD YOU CONSIDER DATING
A MAN THAT AGE?
>> WELL, IF I MET A MAN THAT I
REALLY LIKED, I WOULDN'T CARE
ABOUT HIS AGE.
>> SO, WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS
THAT AGE HAS NOTHING TO DO
WITH HAPPINESS?
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> WELL, LET ME GIVE YOU
AN EXAMPLE.
SUPPOSE I DIED
AND YOUR MOTHER CAME HOME
WITH A 19-YEAR-OLD BOY.
>> YEAH.
>> WELL, WHAT DO YOU MEAN
"YEAH"?
I MEAN, I'M DEAD
AND YOU CAN'T EVEN MOURN
FOR A TENTH OF A SECOND.
>> DAD, YOU'RE NOT DEAD.
YOU'RE SITTING RIGHT HERE.
THIS IS A HYPOTHETICAL DEATH.
>> OKAY, IT'S A HYPOTHETICAL
DEATH, BUT YOU DIDN'T EVEN TAKE
TIME OUT FOR A HYPOTHETICAL
MOURNING.
I MEAN, IT'S ALMOST LIKE YOU
WISH I WAS DEAD.
>> NO DAD, I DON'T WANT YOU
TO DIE.
>> ARE YOU SURE?
>> YES!
>> CLIFF, WHAT'S THE POINT?
>> THE POINT IS I'M DEAD
AND YOU ALL HAVE ME OUT ON
THE SIDEWALK WITH THE GARBAGE.
>> CLIFF, YOU'RE A WONDERFUL
HUSBAND AND A LOVING FATHER.
BUT DARLING, YOU DO HAVE
A PROBLEM.
YOU NEVER GET TO THE POINT.
>> I AM TRYING TO GET
TO THE POINT.
>> ALRIGHT CLIFF, OKAY,
GO AHEAD.
IF YOU DIE--
>> NEVER MIND.
>> NEVER MIND WHAT?
>> DENISE.
>> HEY.
>> DENISE, MY FRIEND, SIT DOWN.
NOW, I WANT TO ASK YOU
A HYPOTHETICAL QUESTION, OKAY?
>> OKAY.
>> ALRIGHT NOW, SUPPOSE I DIED.
>> YEAH.
>> BOY, THIS IS A COLD FAMILY.
>> WHAT?
DADDY, WHAT'S THE POINT?
>> SUPPOSE I DIED
AND YOUR MOTHER CAME HOME
WITH A YOUNG BOY.
>> WELL, HOW CUTE IS HE?
>> A HUNK.
>> HOW YOUNG?
>> NINETEEN.
>> WELL, WHERE ARE HIS PARENTS
GOING TO SLEEP?
[LAUGHING]
I'M KIDDING.
WHERE IS HE GOING TO SLEEP?
>> WELL, THIS IS
YOUR FATHER'S STORY.
HE WILL HAVE TO DESIGNATE
WHERE THE YOUNG MAN WILL SLEEP.
I DO HOPE IT'S WITH ME.
[LAUGHING]
>> OKAY, HE'S WITH YOU, YEAH, IN THIS HOUSE. >> THANK YOU.
BUT MY GHOST IS IN THAT ROOM.
>> DADDY, WHY ARE YOU BRINGING
THIS UP?
>> I'M BRINGING THIS UP
BECAUSE...I DON'T REMEMBER.
>> YOU WERE TRYING TO MAKE
A POINT TO ME.
>> YES, THAT'S RIGHT, I DID.
WHAT WAS THE POINT?
>> HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?
>> WE'RE HAVING A DISCUSSION.
SUPPOSE DAD DIED.
>> IT WOULD REALLY TEAR ME UP.
>> MY SON. TOMORROW I'M TAKING YOU OUT, I'M GOING TO BUY YOU A CAR.
>> DAD!
>> NO, NO, YOU ALL ANSWERED
THE QUESTION WRONG.
[MUSIC]
>> OH, I THOUGHT IT WAS THE 19-YEAR-OLD.
>> CLAIR, LISTEN TO THAT. >> WHAT? >> THE SOUND OF OUR CHILDREN
PLAYING AT YOUR MOTHER
AND FATHER'S HOUSE.
>> YOU KNOW, CLIFF, I'VE BEEN
THINKING A LOT ABOUT MIKE
AND NICKI.
THEY HAVE A GREAT RELATIONSHIP.
IT MUST BE WONDERFUL TO HAVE
NEW AND EXCITING THINGS
TO TALK ABOUT ALL THE TIME.
>> LIKE WHAT?
>> WELL, I DON'T KNOW, BUT ALL
WE EVER TALK ABOUT ARE BILLS,
REPORT CARDS, WORK.
WE ARE DULL, BORING,
AND BEYOND WORDS.
>> THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK, HUH?
>> DON'T YOU?
>> COME HERE.
I DON'T WANT YOU TO SAY
ANOTHER WORD BECAUSE WE ARE
BEYOND WORDS.
SIT DOWN.
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC]
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