Hustler Magazine 1990's Full Collection

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Fuck Cindy Crawford and Show Us
Yo’ Mama
Edited by Scott Schalin

Readers Bare Their Souls

Seka’s Comeback and the Second Fully
Erect Fuck Flick of 1993
Edited by Scott Mallory

Searching for Gold, a Reader Finds Pink Y A 4

Find ‘Em, Fuck ‘Em and Pass ‘Em Along: 2 \)
Bucky Beaver's Guide to the Female Race

Fish on a Finger: Sniffing Quiff That's
Come and Gone

s acacll The Ten Toughest Prisons in America
Poison-Pen Profile by James Jennings ond John
United Colors of Benettampon Shinners

Centerfold Photography by Jomes Baes

The Making of o HUSTLER Movie
On-the-Set Report by Seth Roberts Edited by Tim Conaway ond Minette Wotkins

| The Secret Life of a Feminist
Photography by Clive Mclean Womanizer
af Undercover Probe by Selwyn Harris

1992 Beaver Hunt Grand Prize Winner
Photography by Clive McLean
Photography by Clive McLean

Photography by Moti Klatt Trapping America’s Finest Furs

ASSHOLE OF Le MONTH

An invisible line exists between be-
having like a clumsy, inept, pathetic
boob and actually being confirmed
as an inflamed turd-clamp of the
foulest degree. Senator Bob Pack-
wood has leaped over that rectal
demarcation, with plenty of room to
spare, and become HUSTLER Mag-
azine’s Asshole of the Month for
April of 1993.

The 60-year-old Republican leg-
islator from Oregon, who has been
ensconced in the Senate for 24
years, qualifies as a major bum-
spout by virtue of his job descrip-
tion alone. Senator Bob, however,
is distinguished from the run-of-
the-swill shit rings by his above-
average commitment to denial and
hypocrisy, and by his repeatedly
demonstrated inability to hit on a
chick without leaving her feeling
slimy and aggrieved.

Packwood’s troubles almost
reared their purple-tipped head pri-
or to the recent Senatorial elec-
tions. The Washington Post was
preparing a report recounting
claims from ten women that Pack-
wood had indulged in a 20-year
spree of sexual harassment while
on the taxpayer payroll. Packwood,
by denying improper behavior and
casting aspersions upon the charac-
ters of the women whom he had
groped and slobbered, was instru-
mental in delaying the Post story
The allegations, which would have
cost Packwood his cushy job of
more than two decades had they
been printed in a timely fashion, did
not appear until after the election,
narrowly won by Packwood

When the news of his greasy-kid

BOB PAC
BOB Pi

romancing (one object of the
Senator's wet affections claimed
that he stood on her toes, pulled
her ponytail and tried to remove her
girdle in an attempt to smear his
lips across hers) hit the fan,
Packwood claimed to be “sincerely
sorry,” though disclaiming any in-
tent “to pressure, to offend [or]
make anyone feel uncomfortable.”
Apparently, Packwood considered
standing on a woman's feet a work-
able form of foreplay

Still not admitting he'd made
unwanted sexual advances, nor
that he had a problem with alco-
hol, Packwood retained an attorney
and checked into an undisclosed
booze clinic to seek “professional
advice” in an attempt to blame his

smarmy, Casanova-wanna-be ten-
dencies on alcohol

While the Senator was hidden
away in the clinical setting, his of-
fice issued a barrage of damage-
control statements, delivered by
staffers with names such as
Elaine, Julia, Bobbi and Josie. The
press discreetly refrained from
asking these women if they'd been
required to blow anybody to get
their jobs

When Elaine's, Julia's, Bobbi’s
and Josie’s boss got out of rehab,
he was a changed man, but still the
same asshole. “My actions were
just plain wrong, conceded the
shifty Senator. “I just didn’t get it. |
do now.”

If Packwood is getting it now,

the only questions are: From
whom? And how much is he paying
her for it?

Packwood, who until now was
best known as “that Senator who
charged lobbyists $5,000 a plate to
have breakfast with him,” promised
that he is prepared to seek “what-
ever counseling may be necessary.”

This “necessary counseling” is
unlikely to come from the Senate
Ethics Committee, ethics in the
Senate being on a par with
Packwood’s own. In 1990, 58
Senators signed a voluntary policy
on sexual harassment—and Bob
Packwood was among them. The
Pornography Victims’ Act of
1991, which would allow victims
of sex crimes to sue manufactur-
ers and distributors of so-called
pornography, was co-sponsored
by Bob Packwood, a man who at-
tacked the character of his own
victims after subjecting them to
a form of sexual assault

Packwood's diligence in the
face of rejection while pursuing
snatch is nothing to be scoffed at
One of the chicks he struck out
with was a 64-year-old, female
newspaper reporter. Such a dis-
play of applied democracy is noth-
ing less than admirable, except
that Packwood's efforts are so pa-
thetic for their failures

Packwood will find the “neces-
sary counseling” by turning to
Bucky Beaver’s Guide to the
Female Race on page 31 of this is-
sue of HUSTLER Magazine. If he
must be an Asshole, Senator Bob
might as well get some pussy
while he’s at it

es The 63-year-old owner of
major-league baseball's Cincinnati Reds
stands accused of mouthing such conver-
sational unpleasantries as “million-dollar
niggers, " “Hitler was good in the begin-

ning,” and “I'd rather have a trained monkey

working for me than a nigger.” Much of the
Reds’ talent is of African American descent.
Schott would be a complete cunt, except
thet she’s nine parts Asshole.

s Sliwa: Founder of the publicity grub-

HUSTLER APRIL

FARTS IN THE WIND

bing Guardian red-beret-clad

that started out as street vigilantes and de-
volved into ey shills who picketed a
law-abiding S&M club on grounds that it fos-
tered pe dantaer spoon Sliwa was bullshit from
the start. Confessing in the New York Post,
Sliwa admitted to faking crimes and fabricat-
ing heroics in order to garner publicity for his
fledgling organization of subnormal Nazi-

open. Reality and fiction are intertwined in
's world, but he is truly an Asshole.

' n: As mayor of West Palm
Beach, Florida, N: bought an ad-
vertisement in the Palm Beach Post to publish
the names of men arrested on suspicion of
soliciting a prostitute. Graham feels that these
men’s cars should be seized. For intending
punishment on those who should be pre-
sumed innocent until proven guilty, Graham is
a convicted Asshole.

Where would we be without mothers? Their tender compassion and nourishing tits made us what we
are today. Now it's time to give something back. Celebrate the joys of motherhood by sending us a
nude photo of the hole that whelped you. Make Mom a: and earn big bucks when you...

rua nce a hee Vi
Show Us Yo Mama!

“Yo, I got me “Every family can
$100 for showing my always use some extra cash.
mama's puss!” i Thanks, HUSTLER.”

“Mom. Dead.

Very sad. Wish I'd
heard about the contest
sooner. My fault. Too late?
Lz be. Snapped a photo
anyway. Never know.
Could qualify. Could
use the money. Halcion
prescription over.
Gotta start paying
full price.”

“Everybody loved
Lucy, and I always
loved this wacky
photo from my

father’s archives.
Ba-ba-loo!”

Celebrate your Oedipal complex. Send a nude photo of yo’ mama along with the model release in our
Beaver Hunt section to: Show Us Yo’ Mama, 9171 Wilshire Boulevard, Suite 300, Beverly Hills, CA 90210. The
winning dam will receive $100 and be named HUSTLER Mama of the Year, Good luck!

Celebrity heads pasted onto our models’ bodies. Quotes also fictitious. The contest, however, is real. Don't delay!

BY NATURE

Valentine’s Day is over.
Now avenge those unanswered ca
love letters with this poignant follow-up.

ongratulations

to those read-

ers who gar-

nered good fortune
after touching
February’s Luck of
the Pink spot.
Writes one con-
fused man in
Morehead,
Kentucky: “I asked
to be inside a
woman. Now I
can't get out!”
Sorry, sir, the pink
spot only works
once. But try your
luck in our Beaver
Hunt section.

Models and pop stars think they're sacred cows, but there’s nothing sacred about
those disfiguring birthmarks on their faces. Are they marks of the Devil?

HUSTLER put the blots of melanin that dot today’s top
media-whores’ faces under a microscope
to find the meaning of... alr

SPACE FOR RENT SPACE FOR RENT SPACE FOR RENT

Cindy Crawford is mad as hell; mad that women like
Calvin Klein model Kate Moss and rock supersnore
Madonna pose nude to sell products. “Some things
cross the line,” Cindy has said. “Not everything’s for
sale.” Apparently that’s why

Cindy advertises Pepsi ‘

instead of Coke; pushes a

BASICS REDEF;

N
From Black ieee
fo Navy ers

The 70s Revival
Kicks In

Revion rather than Clinique; and hosts a show on MTV
in lieu of VH-1. Forget her erotic calendars and
stimulating exercise video; hell, forget the tease photos
shown below from Playboy and Details magazines.
Cindy’s estimated $2-million annual income proves
that some things may not be for sale, but

they’re certainly for rent.

| i

we
s
’

AME RICA
MOST =
WANTED

~
vt.
Pees

Here’s Cindy posing nude for Playboy, even though she opposes other women posing nude.

GFawiont

Every living organism shits, and, of course, shit always stinks. But some people believe
every piece of shit they put out should be worshiped. That's why they never flush.
They want the public to eat it. HUSTLER peeked inside the toilets of the

rich and infamous to learn the truth that clings inside....
Bras a) wate, — }

~~

* ee es
4

Norman Schwarzkopfs Spike Lee after Marge Schott, owner of the Cincinnati
colon bomb. Malcolm X-Lax. Reds and an accused racist.

Goddannn, it’s

Dragula ===

Yove Viever Dykes

Movie Parody. Not to be taken seriously

It’s not easy being a woman. Squatting to piss, bleeding from her gash and

oozing jizz after every little fuck—it’s a twat’s life. Sometimes, she just
forgets to wipe her hole. That’s when a pu

ssy needs dick—ChapDick.

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stroke books, but now it seems HUSTLER is
more and more like Playboy. The reason?
HUSTLER has not taken note of a major fad on
and off colleges today: shaved pussy. Your oc-
casional shaved-pussy layouts just don’t cut it.
You feature beautiful girls, young and fit, but
not many shavers!

Please, HUSTLER, shave more pussy. Use
more oil and sprayed water too. Show more out-
door scenes. More tanned and toned honeys with
lean, muscular bodies. Instead of always having
them lay there like dead fish, have them look
and act more alive, flexing their thighs, stomach,
etc. You really have a great mag as far as color,
quality of print, etc., but if my friends and I at
school are going to subscribe, we want shaved
pussy—lean, mean pussy machines. And show
some girls with lots of fuzzy body. That’s the ul-
timate turn-on in addition to a perfectly shaved
pussy and ass. —Potential Re-Subscriber

Somewhere in Florida

I give HUSTLER the highest marks of any skin
mag I’ve come across! I’m into bald pussy. Steff
(Steff and Scott: Military Position, January °93)
is the hottest babe I’ve ever seen. Please feature
her in a centerfold spread. and, in the future,
please feature more bald babes. Also, are the
couples featured in the couple spreads real cou-
ples? How does HUSTLER select couples for
these spreads? —M.A.I.

Tampa, Florida

First of all, M. A. I., elaborate chemical test-
ing on research animals indicates the sex-hor-
mone response of the typical HUSTLER reader
to a particular guy-girl match. After that, ap-
plicable couples are screened according to
similarities of philosophies regarding the role
of women in American pornography, as deter-
mined through a multitude of essay questions
and exposure to Feedback letters decrying the
exploitation of women. Finally, the lucky fi-
nalists are restrained in a no-sex situation for
three or four weeks before HUSTLER photog-
raphers unleash them in the studio. It’s as
simple as that!

I enjoy HUSTLER Magazine immensely. The
only thing I find lacking are pictures of women
who shave their frontal area. This is my 35th let-
ter, and I hope you'll either print it or show more
of the pictures I’d like to see: not only young, but
also older, women. Not spread-eagled—clean-
shaven, frontal views with cracks clearly visible.
Please print this. —M.J.

Alberta, Canada

We’re not only printing your views on the occa-
sion of your 35th—and only published—tter to
Feedback, M. J., we're passing your name and
address to Potential Re-Subscriber and M. A. I,
who're apparently starting a bushwhacking club!

HUSTLER APRIL

I can’t believe there are forces in America that
want to censor what my girlfriend and I watch in
the privacy of my own home. Can you tell me
where I can write to express my concerns? I’ve
already written my State Senator. —D. H.

Tampa, Florida

Gee, D. H., have you tried contacting Santa yet?
For crying out loud! Look in your telephone book.
You'll find local papers, a dozen government
agencies, including your Mayor's office, and cor-
porate headquarters of convenience stores that
refuse to stock HUSTLER. Write the White House,
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, D.C.,
while you're at it!

I’m a Navy corpsman, and I’ve been an avid fan
of HUSTLER Magazine for ten years. I feel it’s
my duty now to write and tell of my apprecia-
tion. I feel, to make an accurate assessment of
anything, ten years is about the right amount of
time to adequately survey a product! Well, guys,
survey says...“Strong work!” Even when I’m out
here at sea, far away from beautiful American
ladies, I’ve got a silver lining in my cloud,
thanks to HUSTLER! —B. K. A.

U.S.S. Guam at sea

In the November 1992 issue of HUSTLER,
(continued on page 25)

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HIDDEN OBSESSIONS

Fully Erect. Directed by Andrew Bloke; storring Janine Lindemulder, Julia Ann, Heather Hart, Francesca Le, Randy West, Bruce Gates, P J. Sparxx, Kym Wilde, Peter
North, Sunset Thomas, Marc Wallice, Celeste, Skye Blue, Tracy West, Steve Drake, Woody Long, Paula Price, Deidre Holland, Jon Dough, Melanie Moore, Jomie Dion,
Sheila Stone, Nick East, Marissa Malibu, Domonique Simone, John Lee and Laury! Canyon. Videocossette: Ultimate Video. Shot on film.

Hidden Obsessions can be summed up in one word: beautiful. Director Andrew Blake's new collection of erotic
images is an elegant volume of sexual splendor, expensively and expansively mounted, a lavish homage to Blake's
obvious obsession, hidden or not: beautiful women having beautiful sex in beautiful surroundings. These women,
many of them perpetual second-stringers in one-day grinders, are the most glamorous and gorgeous that they will
ever be. Even habitual wankers may have trouble recognizing them in such flattering angles. Easy on the eye,
Hidden Obsessions is hard on the crotch, its vignettes sparkling with the raw passion Blake's earlier films lacked.
Blake still doesn’t offer much of a story—Janine Lindemulder os o writer hired to script sexual fantasies for a
mysterious gentleman—but who cares? This classy jerkoff gets better with repeated viewings. The best scene?
Two beautiful blondes melting down an ice dildo is a good place to start. —Scott Mallory

, . —

Lindemulder is worth obsessing over. Porn queens os beautiful as they're going to get.

HUSTLER APRIL

Million’s Agenda is all sleaze.

Three-Quarters Erect. Directed by Michael Craig; starring Sunny McKay,
Ona Zee, Melanie Moore, Sharon Kane, Nick E., Jesse Eastern, Mike Homer
and I. T. Boy. Videocassette: VCA.

Sassy Sunny McKay is cute as a butt in this tale of an innocent girl's willful
descent into sexual depravity. Her guide, an off-screen shrink, has his shy
patient masturbate to visualized fantasies. These fuck snippets depict the
exotic erotics of supporting players, but, with the exception of a rectal-
rousing, Melanie Moore/T. T. Boy bung bang, none equal the raw stroke
appeal of McKay's scenes. The wanton bitch’s sinfully young flesh gets
rammed and crammed from every angle. She sizzles in a solo dildo spot
and takes Jesse Eastern’s cum in her mouth, letting it sensually stream
from her lips. —Tlony Cara

TRUE LEGENDS
OF CINEMA:
THE EROTIC
"80s

Half Erect. Directed by Scotty Fox and Isabelle Snow; starring Ginger Lynn,
Barbara Dare, Shauna Grant, Erica Boyer, Megan Leigh, Deidre Holland,
Sharon Kane, Ron Jeremy, Eric Edwards, Paul Thomas, Jim Holliday and
others. Videocassette: VCA.

A decade's worth of past porn greats is packed into this offering from Jim
Holliday’s Adult Cinema History Series. While the tape includes 12 splooge-
splashed smut scenes and showcases the too-tonguing talents of 17 legendary
slut storlets, most of the selected clips feature mediocre and heavily edited fuck
performances. Among the exceptions are three gonad-grabbing classics: There's
Ginger Lynn’s buttbang bonanza from New Wave Hookers, in which the cock-
crazed cooze gets royally reamed by Steve Powers while Tom Byron bores out
her pussy; Amber Lynn’s twat stuff in The Devil in Miss Jones 3, 0 double-
insertion scene for non-homophobes only; and a clip from Hot Scalding that
highlights Megan Leigh at her cocksucking, spunk-swallowing finest. An
erotically uneven journey down mammary lane. —I.C.

HIDDEN
AGENDA

Half Erect. Directed by Michael Croig; starring Tiffany Million, Alex Jordan,
Leanna Foxx, Lacy Rose, Mike Horner, T. T. Boy and Marc Wollice.
Videocassette: X-citement.

This would-be porn thriller has even less on its mind than Basic Instinct, the
overblown movie it rips off. Blond brickhouse Tiffany Million coptures Sharon
Stone’s bitchiness but, unlike the Hollywood priss, allows the camera free
reign over her clean-shaven snatch. Her poolside pork with T. T. Boy proves
she’s all sleaze, no tease—she splays herself over a lounge chair while Boy
blows dick snot up her nose. The movie's piece-of-ass-de-resistance is a lesbian
grudge-fuck between Million and jealous Alex Jordan. The plot-provoked
enemies meet at o restaurant, call each other cunts, then proceed with
fisticuffs and o food fight before Jordan bodyslams the bitch to o table and
whocks her clit like she’s trying to spark a fire. The energy of that scene
renders the supposed climax between Mike Horner and Leanna Foxx so
lifeless, it seems culled from a different movie. —Seth Roberts

APRIL HUSTLER

When she left Porn Valley, Seka vowed to never retum—unless she was offered enough money. VCA, figuring eight years
without a certifiable blond goddess is long enough, anted up a rumored $30,000 plus royalties, and in October the living
legend went in front of the cameras to star in Henri Pochard’s American Garter, a period piece about the New York
underwear industry in 1961. Considering Seka’s no longer the sleek pleasure piece she once was (who is?), a story about

foundation garments seems appropriate.

CARNIVAL OF
KNOWLEDGE

Half Erect. Directed by Poul Norman; starring P J. Sparxx, Tom
Byron, Francesca Le, Bionca, Patricia Kennedy, Samantha York, Joel
lawrence, Nick £., Shayla La Veaux, T. I. Boy and Jim Enright.
Videocassette: X-citement.

Traditional birthday gifts are clothes, money or Kotex, but this being
porn, Tom Byron is presented by honey P. J. Sparxx with an invitation to
visit the Carnival of Knowledge. The Carnival is a distant place where
Byron ond Sparxx are treated to top-notch balling, headed by a
Francesca Le/Nick £. encounter on a porch. Healthy oral copulation
gives way to Le riding E.’s dong, and then spreading her ass crack for
anal enlightenment. The excitement of watching other people satiate
their sexual desires pays off in the white-hot finale, in which Byron and
Sparxx get slices of heaven in a furious fourway with Shayla LoVeoux
and T. T. Boy. A couple of lackadaisical lustings keep this Cornival from
pitching a big-top lap tent, but it will lend a hand on the meat-beating
merry-go-found. —Sam Lowry

Half Erect. Directed by Jim Enright; starring Deidre Holland, Peter
North, Teri Diver, Joey Silvera, Sonja, Melanie Moore and Jon Dough.
Videocassette: Hollywood Video.

Somewhere in Deutschland, the eccentric Dr. Wilhelm (Joey Silvera) is in
hiding. He's being hunted by a police inspector (Peter North) becouse
he’s invented o superdrug that can send a person’s dormant sex drive
into the stratosphere. The main drawback to the pill is that fuckers are
reduced to a puddle of protein after sex—but what a way to go. Of
course, North doesn’t need any stimulants to start hosing, o fact proved
by his milking on Teri Diver's face in the tape’s one truly searing slam.
Busted features inspired silliness in the performance by Silvera, and even
though some of the sex is only average, this Teutonic tale should stil
make a bratwurst bulge. —$. L.

HUSTLER APRIL

Your bratwurst will be Busted.

- Savage comes to Resewe Knight's asshole,

270

Ge ONE MILLION YEARS DD

Half Erect. Directed ‘by Jim Enright; storring Paula Price, Eric Price, Carolyn Monroe, Peter North, Alicyn Sterling,
Domonique Simone and Cole Stevens. Videocassette: Coast to Coast.

Some of the best boobs money can buy are to be found One Million Years DD, but suckers for big-tit action may feel
shortchanged o cup size or two. There are only three strokes of boob-balling in the entire video. These stacked
sweeties don’t get their breasts caressed and kissed neorly enough. On the plus side, all the boy/girl trysts climax
with cream catopulting onto bouncing, heaving cosabas; so each and every scrumptious siren’s treasure chest is
glazed with dick-devotion lotion. Especially memorable are Corolyn Monroe's mega-melons hanging in Cole
Stevens's face while she fucks herself on his upright shaft. Keep o fastforward finger triggered ond on editing eye
peeled, and this tape will do DD good. —Woody Hood

é BLACK & WHITE IN
LIVING COLOR

-Three-Quarters Erect. Directed by Robert McCallum; starring Carolyn Monroe, Domonique Simone, Daphne, Jaguar,

Chrissy Ann, Peter North and Cal Jammer. Videocassette: Western Visuals.

Imagine watching one of those arty, black-and-white Madonna videos—except she’s got great, huge jugs. Then
imagine that she doesn’t just strut around, but actually has sex. That’s the premise of Black & White in Living Color,
a wonderful, stylish stroker that's overwhelming without being overdone. Carolyn Monroe runs on upscale, ultra-
modern sex theatre. Not only does she perform spectaculaly—a great opening fuck with Peter North and on
incredible anal late-—but the other players are equally impressive. The amazing load that North coats Jaguar's mug
with is a face-splashing classic. Domonique Simone and Cal Jammer finish the flick with a bar-top pump that's far
too mechanical. It’s the only sour note in an otherwise killer tape. The tiny flaw will disappear from the wanker’s
mind as he pops for o third or fourth time. —Dewey Huevos

ANAL RESCUE 811

One-Quarter Erect. Directed by Rick Savage; starring Bunny Bleu, Charli Latour, Krisstorrah Knight, Brittony Saks,
Athena, Rick Savage, Ron Hightower, Jay Street and Fabian Fueggo. Videocassette: Pleasure Productions.

The abundonce of boring TV docudramas are ripe for a porn spoof, something like Anal Bloopers featuring festering
hemorthoids. This flick hasn’t the imagination to pull it off. When Krisstarrah Knight gets her finger caught in a pipe, the
anal rescue team is summoned to—what else?—plug her asshole. The scene is slow, silent and uncomfortable, a
problem that mars each of the film’s five fucks. Brawny Ron Hightower imagines pleasingly pudgy Athena pumping iron
in the nude and then fucks her atop a Noutilus machine. The already-slow pacing is compounded by slow-motion filming
that renders the fantasy lifeless. The only bright spot is Brittony Saks, whose long, slender body and fuck-my-face pout
are attributes Brigitte Bardot would kill to have back. Unfortunately, her only scene is a dildo DP with Bleu. Add director
Rick Savage to the ever-growing list of porn dicks who can’t film what they fuck. —S.R.

UNFORGETTABLE

Three-Quarters Erect. Directed by Jim Enright; starring Alexis DeVell, Melanie Moore, Lois Ayers, Meekah, Peter
North and Jonathan Morgan. Videocassette: Hollywood Video.

This Unforgettable story centers around flesh photog ‘~ai
Jonathan Morgan's voyeuristic obsession with model Alexis
DeVell, even if she does open the action with one of the
most tedious self-hump scenes in recent memory. DeVell
redeems herself during encounters with Peter North, whom
she fucks, sucks and strokes to a ten-gallon cumshot, ond
Lois Ayers, with whom she lustfully lops lap. Melanie
Moore and Meekah scorch the. ‘screen during a torrid
threeway with Morgan, who later pops off yet again as
Ayers’s stud-covered tongue mauls his man meat. Awash in
‘twaFtight closeups and world-class blowjobs, this video will
keep more than cerebral synapses firing, —iC Moore’s grip on Morgan is Unforgettable.

APRIL HUSTLER

Gregory Dark, the more demented sibling of the infamous Dark Brothers porn
team, is back. The Crease Master, Gregory's current pussy-obsessed stroll
through smut depravity, takes a walk on the wild side of Lacy Rose. “She just
can’t wait to fuck,” Dork says appreciatively. “She gets on a set, she starts
playing with her pussy.” Dark’s favorite scene is a dildo fuck between Rose

THE
STEPSISTER
One-Quarter Erect. Directed by Paul Thomas; starring
Savannah, Racquel Darrian, P J. Sparxx, Randy Spears, Melanie
Moore, Britt Morgan, Derrick Lane, Max Steed and Randy West.

Videocassette: Vivid.

The Stepsister finishes up what Sinderella started, which meons it
suffers from the same hobbled humping that fucked the first film.
Clocking in at just over an hour long, it cheats on time os well. At the
dress ball, Savannah meets handsome prince Randy Spears, who
finishes their so-so slam with facial cream for Savannah’s smile.
Bitchy stepsisters Racquel Darrian and P. J. Sparxx get their share of
schlong, but neither sibling shines in their sexing. A possibly pulsating
threeway goes to waste as Spears burrows into Sparxx’s slot, while
Darrian just wonks off in the background. A lavish production, but a
truly grim fairy tale for gropers. —S. L.

The Stepsister just wanks in the background.
HUSTLER APRIL

RY DARK Bs

THE CREASE MASTER

and Tiffany Million. “Lacy gets pissed off if you can’t get her to come.”

In The Crease Master's Wife, which continues the tale of an average
fellow who goes insane trying to look up women’s dresses, Tiffany Million is
Dark’s centerpiece. “Tiffany becomes more and more of a slut throughout the
movie. She brings home three guys and fucks them. She can’t get enough
dick. She stuffs o couple of dicks in her mouth at once. She really wanted to
be fucked by those guys.” Dork likes that. “If they don’t wont to be there
fucking constantly, | don’t want to shoot them,” he says. “The girls in these
movies abandon themselves to sex.” After greasing creases, Dark wraps New
Wave Hookers 3, and HUSTLER is there, horning in on Dark’s twisted
sexuality for a future behind-the-scenes grope

THE

Half Erect. Directed by Piperoni; starring
Mona lisa, Alex Jordan, Chanel, Tiffany
Mynx, Jake Williams, Tony Tedeschi and
Justin Case. Videocassette: VCA.

Aural sex is the order of the day at
radio station WSEX, where shock-jock
sluts Alex Jordan and Chanel seek to
boost sagging ratings with raunchy, on-
air hump play. The bulk of the action is
poorly lit, standard fuck ‘n’ suck. Yet,
from so much porn pabulum, Chanel
emerges as a diamond in the muff. Her
lesbo labia lickfest with tasty Tiffany
Mynx is as raw and as real as it gets.
Clits are hard, and pussy lips glisten
even before tongues touch pudenda,
while at the climox of their muff-munch
marathon, neither babe fakes it. Chanel
gets even raunchier with Justin Case,
chowing down on the stud’s beef jerky
and ordering a jizz facial for dessert. In
fact, without Chanel this tape would
have been pure KRAP. —T.C.

Without Chanel (right) munching Mynx, D.J. would KRAP

STROKER’S GUIDE

A QUICK CHECKLIST OF X-RATED FEATURES REVIEWED IN PAST ISSUES OF
HUSTLER AND HUSTLER EROTIC VIDEO GUIDE.

_ FULLY ERECT

Superior. A top production

Bend Over Babes 3
(Evil Angel)

Donyel Cheeks, Mona Liso, Justin Case

oC THREE-QUARTERS ERECT
Above average. Hord-on material.

Deep Inside Jeanna Fine (VCA)
Jeanna Fine, Heather Hart,
Buck Adoms
The Dungeon Master
(Bruce Seven)
Alexis Payne, Ajo, Marissa Malibu
The Secret Garden 2
(X-citement)
Ashlyn Gere, Ono Zee, Randy Spears
Shades of Blue (VCA)
Nikki Dial, Tiffany Million, Mike Horner

Street Angels
(Las Vegas Video)
Jeanna Fine, Ashlyn Gere,
Randy Spears
Where the Girls Play
(Coast to Coast)
Porsche Lynn, Summer Knight,
Heather Lere

HALF ERECT

Standard fore, Hos moments

Alice in Hollyweird (Zane)
Madison, Tianna Taylor, Marc Wallice
Ambitious Blondes
(Visual Direct)
Tonisha Mills, Lynn Lemay,
Don Fernando
Anything That Moves (VCA)
Selena Steele, Tracey Winn,
Randy Spears

Jack the Stripper (Moonlight)
Alexis DeVell, Domonique Simone,
Mike Horner

The Last Girl Scout
(Pleasure Productions)

Heather Lere, Bionca, Sean Michaels

Two Sisters (Western Visual)
Victoria Paris, Alex Jordan,
Jonathan Morgan

prrdpoenlesip a

Backdoor to Brooklyn
(Pleasure Productions)
Bunny Bleu, Krisstorrah Knight,
Rick Savage

Crazed 2 (Vivid)
Hyapatia Lee, Christy Conyon,
Marc Wallice

Kittens 3 (Coast to Coast)
Brittony Saks, Lynden Grey, Alexis Ross

Rent-A-Butt 1 (VCA)
Nikki Sinn, Stacey Nichols, Peter North

Speedster (Vivid)
Savannah, Summer Knight, T. T. Boy

Taboo X (Intropics)
Melonie Moore, Mona Lisa,
Col Jommer

TOTALLY LIMP

A woste of time ond money,

Black Beauties (Visual Direct)
Domonique Simone, Persia, Max Ren

APRIL HUSTLER

Ww

er

«
.
Rachel Ryan
licks rigid
in “Back

Rush To: Private Entertainment
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(continued from page 15)

there’s an article that talks about homosexuals in
the Navy (The Few, The Proud, The Discharged:
The U.S. Military’s Sex-Ban Backfire, November
*93). I’m a Marine, proud to serve my country.
There’s no need to put the Marine Corps motto at
the top of an article for Navy fags: Semper fidelis
{always faithful]. —E. H.

Okinawa, Japan

NAVY BRASS

As an avid fan of HUSTLER Magazine, I felt it
was my duty to inform you of a gross error on
your part! On page four of the Holiday Issue
1992, there is a rather funny cartoon depicting
what appear to be enlisted sailors in Las Vegas
during the infamous Tailhook episode (“Not Just
a Job: A Sexual Adventure,” Bits & Pieces, Hol-
iday Issue °92).

What pisses me off is the fact that you’re im-
plying enlisted personnel were responsible for this
ugly episode in U. S. Navy history! Nothing
could be further from the truth; the Tailhook scan-
dal was perpetrated by Naval officers, not enlisted
men. You know—the guys with at least a four-
year degree, appointed by the President! If you're
going to create a cartoon about Tailhook, how
about using characters that depict the actual play-
ers involved? It’s like blaming HUSTLER for a
bad article in Penthouse! Besides, if it had been
enlisted men, we wouldn’t have been caught. We
cover our tracks! —M. A. B.

U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln at sea

CLIVE KLAW
With regards to the cover of HUSTLER’s Jan-
uary 1993 issue, my first thought was that Betty
Page lives (Madison: In the Moods, January
*93)! No way could I believe that Clive McLean
was the photographer! I’m sorry, but I thought
only Irving Klaw could have taken such great
pictures of Betty, er, | mean, Madison. Keep up
the good work! —J.S.C.
Oxnard, California

REDNECK ROUNDUP

Urgent warning to all black guys! | don’t think
those X caps are such a good idea. At night, the
cops aren’t going to have to wait for you to
smile—they can just aim at the X!

Also, I was readin’ in the Holiday Issue
where that Al Goldstein fella joked about
“shooting Larry Flynt, for the first time” (“Ass-
hole of the Month,” Bits & Pieces, Holiday Issue
*92). I was thinkin’ about offerin’ to shoot that
Goldstein fer ya, for the first time, ‘ceptin’ I
don’t reckin no Jewboy’s worth the powder it’d
take to blow him straight to hell! But I tell ya, if
I were to shoot that feller, I'd be sure an’ use a
Varmint Load! —S.S.

Mountain View, California

HUSTLER APRIL

Why is it that every time I open a HUSTLER
Magazine, I see a nice-looking, white porn star
with a disgusting piece of black garbage? If a
white, female, porn star has to degrade herself that
much for money, she needs to be hanged. As for
the white, female porn stars that will not touch a
black man, the white race has 100% admiration
for them. HUSTLER, do the white race a favor
and get rid of the fucking black garbage that is de-
grading all those sexy, white girls. —T.R.

Starke, Florida

TIPS FOR DICKS

It’s much too late, but I believe in the New Year
tradition of ringing out the old and ringing in the
new; so in that spirit I’ve listed a few humble
suggestions to renew and invigorate HUSTLER
Magazine in 1993:

1.) No nude photos of Ron Jeremy. 2.) More
women of color in your pictorials. After all, your
readers don’t just dig the vanilla squack, but gash
of all flavors. Lo’ Retta was hot (Lo’ Retta:
Black Cat, January °93)! She’s the first black
woman I can recall seeing in HUSTLER in
years! 3.) No clothed photos of Ron Jeremy. 4.)
The disqualification of porn starlets from the
HUSTLER Honey of the Year award. The surgi-
cally enhanced ladies of porn have an unfair-ad-
vantage over the competition in both fan base and
silicone augmentation. Let’s keep the playing

field level and restrict the competition to amateur
models only. 5.) No mention of the name Ron
Jeremy in print. Unless, of course, it is contained
in his obituary. 6.) More male/female pictorials. I
realize it’s the Year of the Woman, but you could
trim back on some of the lesbo spreads to ac-
commodate more hetero stuff. My apologies to
Andrea Dworkin on this one. 7.) A larger and
more comprehensive column dedicated to the re-
view of adult films. HUSTLER’s review staff is
the best; so give them the extra pages they de-

mM of

” serve. 9.) More sex ads! —R

Modesto, California

BEAUTIFUL PENIS!
I just received the issue of HUSTLER and really
enjoyed the pictorial Military Position (Steff and
Scott: Military Position, January °93). I can’t
wait till my husband comes home tonight. The
sexy photographs (especially those of Scott’s
beautiful penis) have me counting the minutes.
HUSTLER is not just for men only! —D.M.
Rockville, Maryland

Do you have a comment, suggestion or com-
plaint? Send your letters (typed or neatly hand-
written) to HUSTLER Feedback, 9171 Wilshire
Boulevard, Suite 300, Beverly Hills, CA 90210.
Include a phone number if you want your letter
considered for publication.

Now | SIT M&
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A RIVER RUNS THROUGH HER

I’ve always been a treasure seeker, but
my hobby really kicked in this Christ-
mas when my pop gave my a Goldbug
metal detector. I’ve spent so much time
searching for treasure that I haven’t had
time to think about chicks. Not that I
fuck sheep or anything; it’s just that
right now I like digging for gold.
Anyway, last week I was a mile back of
our barn with my dog Granger, looking
for lost treasures, when I heard my
Goldbug go off with a real strong pulse.
Whaa-Whaa-Whaa! | thought I'd found
the goddamn Titanic. I looked down
and saw a big medallion. I bit the prize
and figured it was at least part gold. I
slipped the sumbitch in my shirt pocket.
I was real happy.

I walked down to Stump Creek to
wash the dirt from the medal. When I
got there, a girl was digging through the
sand like a dog looking for a buried
bone. She was some pretty woman with
long, blond hair. She was maybe 19
years old, wearing a Black Crowes T-
shirt and ripped bluejeans. | hid in the
grass and checked her out. She had
taken off her high-heeled, black boots
and was standing barefoot in the water.
When she bent over, I couldn’t believe
my lucky eyes—she wasn’t wearing
any underwear! The further she bent,
the more of her tanned ass spilled from
the pants. | even caught a glimpse of
her juicy, pink, turkey-wattle twat. I
had never seen a live pussy before, and
I stared hard. Then she stood up; she
was crying.

My dog Granger barked; the chick
looked my way. “Who’s there?” she

HUSTLER APRIL

called out, her voice cracking a bit.

“My name is Conner,” I told her,
standing up out of my crouch. “I’ve
never seen you here before.”

She was visiting her uncle, Old Man
Parker, who my friends and me called
Old Man Fucker because he was such an
asshole. Her name was Clara, She was
beautiful, with tanned skin and light
freckles on her cheeks. I tried to keep my
eyes off her pussy as she spoke, but it
wasn’t easy. She kicked the water with
her bare foot and splashed some froth
onto her shirt. Her nipples perked at the
cool sensation. I wanted to get in touch
with nature for the first time in my life.

She said she'd lost her necklace and
was mad because it was her aunt's. |
felt sorry for Clara and helped her look
for it with my Goldbug. She was so
happy, she kissed my cheek. A weird
shiver ran through me as she scratched
her crotch inside the torn jeans. My

dick felt weird, like I had to pee, but it
was getting hard at the same time.

I searched along the creek for a few
minutes and found nothing but an old
tin can. Then it dawned on me. The
medallion I had found before might be
hers, I didn’t say anything at first; after
all, it was my biggest find ever. We sat
on an old log and listened to the creek.
She told me about life in the city and
said something about a boy. “Have you
ever done it?” I asked.

“Lots of times,” she said.

“I bet you haven't,” I challenged.
“T sure have,” she said, smiling a
little wider.

“Show me,” I asked.

“Show you what?” she returned.

“Show me your titties, if you’re so
experienced.” My heart was racing
faster than a moth to a bug lamp. She
started to pull up her T-shirt and was a
half-inch from the bottom of her tits
when she suddenly stopped.

“Wait a second,” she said, dropping
the shirt back down. “If I show you mine,
I'm gonna want to see your wiener.” |
pushed aside my tracking device and
unbuttoned my jeans. Man, was I
nervous. She grabbed the bottom of her
shirt and started pulling it over her head
until her boobs popped out in the air.
They were smooth and a little larger than
hand-size, with small, red nipples. They
were a lot like the ones I've seen in
HUSTLER, only these moved out and in
when she breathed. I reached out for a
feel, but she backed away.

“Uh-uh,” she giggled, still holding
the shirt above her tits. “It’s your turn.”
I was shit-house nervous, but followed
through on the dare and pulled my pants
down to my knees. I was happy there
were no shit stains on my drawers. She
reached out and rubbed my. donger. I
felt weird having it touched while my
hands were free. She stroked it gently.
“You want to see more?” she asked.

“You bet,” I told her. She giggled
and pulled down her pants. Her naked
ass stared right at me. Goose pimples
were forming on her cheeks.

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furry, brown bush. She grabbed my hand
and placed it over her pussy lips. I didn’t
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fingers along the slimy trench, I pulled
them out and took a whiff. My friends

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were wrong; it didn’t smell like tuna at all.

She sat back on the log and spread her
thighs wide. I waddled over and tried to
get my dick on the same level as her meaty
prize. She pulled me in. I watched like it
was a movie. My fireman’s cap disap-
peared inside; then the rest of my gold vein
was swallowed by those beefy flaps.

I started pumping like a spaz with
crazy, jerking motions. The inside of her
cunt felt grainy and dry like sand. A
musty smell pricked my nose. Then I felt
that down-home, burning sensation. I
tossed my head back like my dad told me
guys do when they’re about to splooey,
but right at that instant the medallion flew
from my shirt pocket and fell to the
ground. My Goldbug started yipping and
hollering. Whaa-Whaa-Whaa!

I pushed Clara backward over the log
and into the stream. But before I could
dive for the medal, my dick started
spurting out its thick goo. Clara was
already soaked; so I moved a step closer
and shot the splooge onto her meaty, slick
thighs that jutted out of the rushing creek.
My cum slithered down her slippery legs
and settled in her dark pussy mound.

While Clara tried to get out of the
water, I motioned to Granger to fetch the
medallion. But my damn dog was more
interested in licking the log where the
chick had been sitting. Clara rolled onto
her belly. Her ass was dripping wet, with
deposits of silt lodged in her crack.

While I shook out the last drops of
cooty, she reached out and retrieved her
lost medal. She thanked me and my
Goldbug for helping. Then she dressed
and split. I lost the trinket, but I guess it
was worth it. —C.G.

Guntersville, Alabama

TRICKLE-DOWN THEORY

Don’t believe the bullshit about saving
for a rainy day. I’m 73 years old, rich as
a goddamn king and without any
friends. I worked so hard making my
fortune that I never enjoyed the
abundance of virgin pussy life has to
offer. Now I have the cash, but the
young sluts in their tit-hugging dresses,
who pretend to want me, only want a
stiff, 1,000-dollar greenback to snort an
ounce of coke through. Fuck them all!
Frank also liked money, but he was
lucky enough to be poor and not
possessed by it. He was a security guard
whose route included my mansion in

HUSTLER APRIL

Bel-Air. I'm no fucking homo or
anything, but I looked forward to
Frank’s daily arrival. He’d stop, and
we'd talk. He was young, maybe 24, and
married. He studied business at UCLA
during the day and worked security at
night. His dream was to be a millionaire.
He reminded me of me when I was
young; I quickly grew to hate him.

One afternoon he showed me a
picture of his young wife, Chelsea. Her
wavy, brunet hair framed her youthful
face. Yet I was sure that the heart of a
slut beat beneath the innocent veneer; it
always does.

Around Valentine’s Day last year,
Frank wanted to surprise his young
bride. Unfortunately, he didn’t have the
money for anything lavish. I told him
I'd be vacationing that week in
Luxembourg and invited him to create
an unforgettable evening in my
mansion. I even arranged a full-course
meal courtesy of Grady, my resident
chef. The rest would be left to Frank’s
heated imagination. I despised the
thought of his satisfaction.

On the evening of February 14, I
packed some suitcases and left my

residence. I drove ten blocks, where a
cab was waiting to drive me back to the
mansion. Grady had already begun the
Beef Bourguignon when I entered my
abode from the rear and snuck up to the
master’s quarters. Once there, I locked
myself inside the customized closet and
waited for the floorshow to commence.
The sliding door was locked from the
inside, and the glass was a special one-
way mirror that allowed a surreptitious
panorama of my room.

Time passed quickly. When I heard
Grady’s car start, 1 knew the couple was
finally alone. When they entered the
bedroom, Frank and his bride were
glowing from the lavishness of the
room. The couple kissed. Then Frank lit
the fire to the right of my canopied bed.
Chelsea slid her arched feet out of
shiny, black heels. She was tall and
slender; her legs were without blemish,
seemingly made of porcelain. Frank
leaned on the outside of the closet to
my left as Chelsea unwittingly
continued the show for both of us. She
pulled off her polyester blouse and
smiled like a child with a secret. Her
breasts were petite with big, pink
nipples that practically covered the
entire tit. A slight overbite was evident
as she ran her tongue across a puffy set
of lips that glistened in the firelight.

She walked toward the closet. Frank

(continued on page 37)

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(continued from page 29)

swung his arms around her and kissed
her mouth, parting her lips with his
tongue. A tiny gob of saliva dribbled
out of her mouth, past her puffy bottom
lip, and clung to her chin until he
whisked away the spittle with his
tongue. She swallowed as his hands slid
across her tits and made them jiggle to
life. As he pushed his pelvis into her
crotch, her round ass cheeks pressed
into the closet’s glass. I dropped to my
knees for a closer inspection.

Frank reached around and buried his
hands into those pillows of flesh, kindly
spreading apart the cheeks to bring me
eye to eye with her little, pink ass bud.
It seemed so alive, opening and closing
in rhythm to Frank’s hip thrusts. Her
asshole was clean and free of the tiny
hairs that some women have.

She stepped back and dropped to her
knees. With her emerald eyes locked
into his, she tickled his prick’s tip with
her tongue. Cupping his balls with one
hand, she steadied the shaft with the
other. She opened her mouth wide and
stuck that cock down her throat like a
pro. A thick sheen of saliva soon
collected around this rabid dog’s
mouth, and she begged for a shot of
spuz penicillin. He grabbed the back of
her head and pushed further down her
throat, then off completely.

She dropped to the dog position and
shoved her oval ass his way. Her face
was inches from the closet door and, as
Frank mounted her from behind, the
first push of passion made her head
slam against the mirror.

Her tits dangled below and brushed
against my Oriental rug as she arched to
accept more of him inside her tiny twat.
I figured he was the only cock she'd
ever had, and she knew just how to use
it. I dropped to my knees so that her
face was at my crotch level. I was
spanking less than a foot from her
straining mug.

Fuck Frank! I could no longer hold out.
Her eyes were open, staring blankly into
the mirror. A burning pain shot through
my prick until the cool semen moved into
the head. If the mirror hadn’t been there,
the first shot of spuz would’ve splattered
her eye, the second would’ve splashed
against her auburn lips, and my dick’s last
gasps would’ve trickled down the sexy
cleft in her chin and splattered my
expensive Oriental rug.

a cellular phone I'd left there. As Frank
mounted her, inhaling a mouthful of tit,
I gave police dispatchers an anonymous
tip about a break-in. Being wealthy
does have some advantages.

Within minutes police had arrived
and quietly entered my bedroom with
guns drawn. The hapless lovers scuttled
like frightened deer caught in the head-
lights. Frank’s boner, sopping wet from
waves of pussy dew, didn’t subside
until his security supervisor arrived.
Fuck, was that guy pissed!

Frank slid into his jeans, while the
police—God love them—handcuffed
his bride before she had a chance to
cover up. While Frank tried to save

face, one of the cops ran a finger along
his wife’s ass crack. The cops grabbed
their clothes and led them naked out of
my room. Finally, the doors downstairs
closed. I dropped my pants and slid my
naked ass over the slippery wet spot
she'd left on the satin sheets.

Frank was soon fired, and I heard he
dropped out*of business school a few
months later and left the country. Good
riddance. Who needs another fucking
millionaire? —Name Withheld

Bel-Air, California

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Fish ON A FINGER

SNIFFING QUIFF
THAT’S COME AND GONE

Restrictive attitudes in the name of
so-called morality increasingly take
the fun out of fucking. Through
good, old-fashioned homespun

knowledge, hearsay, scientific facts
and outright lies, this series strives
to spread the word that rubbing
uglies is a beautiful experience.

ILLUSTRATION BY
MICHAEL GENTILE

APRIL

HUSTLER

lioy Ai)
andy Trench is in the fourth hour of a
marathon rafic-schoo! session. He has
the sniffles, and he couldn't be happier
Trench rests the two trigger fingers of his right hand upon his
upper lip. His knuckles dig into his hoovering nostrils. As Trench
inhales deeply, his eyeballs roll up into his head and feast upon
fresh, fleshly visions projected on the inside of his skull. In the
front of the classroom, a state-accredited instructor drones on
about obscure infractions of the uniform vehicle code, but Randy
has whiffed into a separate reality, accompanied by a stripped-
down version of the blond, squirm-ass speed-zone violator in a
halter top three seats up. Trench and the squish-bottom girl
inhabit an imagined place that is so vivid he can almost taste it
He knows precisely what odors her opening cunt would release
to his heightened olfactory sense, precisely because he can still
smell the pungent nectar of her fuck fig on his unwashed digits
Randy had been fortunate enough to swab his fingers in the
flaxen-haired chick's sex scent during lunch break at the DMV
detention center. Trench's almost uncanny perception, coupled
with the instincts of a natural predator, had alerted him to the
blonde’s interest and guided him to
jump while the leaping was
good. His feral
cunning and
animalistic

ox Dlzrvel

appetites had led the openly willing girl to the back of his
Bronco, where they'd both barked like a pair of copulating
hounds. But a higher foresight separates Randy from the lower
beasts, an anticipatory ability to perceive and provide for the
future, which accounts for the heady diversion and escape
Trench enjoys for the otherwise-unendurable remainder of the
afternoon's enforced attendance. He sniffs; he soars

Mr. Trench is indulging a pastime that has afforded
countless hours of deeply soothing, sexually charged meditation
to nasally sensitive males throughout history, beginning with
that first, remote, cave-dwelling cannibal whose erection was
renewed on a full stomach when a whiff of pussy juice on his
finger revealed to him that he should have kept his most recent
meal alive in order that she might perform further services
Indeed, the notion that the weaker gender has survived solely
due to vestigial vaginal odors upon the superior sex’s cunt-
drenched digits may be slightly far-fetched. However, many a
elationship between a man, himself and his own individual
version of personal dignity has been saved due to regularly
scheduled, vigorously contested games of stink finger

“Sometimes | feel totally cut off from the rest of the human
race,” confesses Red Furrow. Furrow's job—destroying dogs at
a city-run animal shelter—leaves him feeling a less-than-
contributive member of society. “It's that old existentialist
dilemma popping up again,” summates Red. “] mean, ours is
probably the best of all possible worlds, but it’s a bad situation
| find that I'm much more able to make the most of my raw deal
if | can put my hand to my face and snuffle an atmosphere rich
in woman juice. The smell of some babe on my hands, even a
bitch | didn't really like, reminds me that | do have contact with
other people and, although our exchanges may not necessarily
be meaningful in the larger, philosophical sense of the word, the
interplay does at least whip up a lather.” For the sake of
maintaining his fundamental equilibrium, Furrow tries to dip his
pointers into a pussy well at least three times per week
‘Although, to tell you the truth,” he falters, “with the way world
events are going right now, | could use two or three twat soaks
a day. The scent on my hands really seems to calm the dogs
too—helps move them along.”

Men, like dogs, have been known to follow t
opened nostrils to demise and death eee to olfactory
anthropologist Lance Moat and his three volumes of Odors and

lorphin Sense of Sme y as Gateway to the Soul, “The

elr curious

Nazis, arch criminals who perverted every aesthetic to
accomplish their nefarious ends, disguised their killing factories
with clouds of perfumed gas. Entire columns of otherwise able-
bodied men marched to the slaughterhouse as though
hypnotized by a diabolical nosegay.” Perhaps if just one of these
men had snorted a patch of snatch, the whole lineup would
have snapped awake and felled the Third Reich from inside,
undermining Hitler by sharing the vivifying effects of one
woman's private fragrance

(continued on page 43)

What you see s what you gat!
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(continued from page 39)

Spike Gully, though never
toppling any genocidal despots by
passing a fish finger around for the
delectation of his fellows, has
experienced a solidifying of the
bonds of brotherhood by inviting
his lodge mates in the Loyal Order
of Doddering Buffoons and
Odoring Baboons to take a whiff

(hod
FY PU AY | and play guess who. Spike finds
that some pleasures are inten-

sified when freely enjoyed with others. “ ‘This is what
Ima Gash smells like,’ | might say. Then everybody
gets to experience a little bit of what Ima’s like,”
explains Gully, who fancies himself a sort of Every-
man’s humanitarian. “| couldn't do that with the juice
Ima left on my dick, because most guys won't put their
face down into another fella’s cunt stick just to smell
who he’s been jamming it into. With finger treats,
even dolts who'd never have any chance of getting
close to a real pussy get to know on an intimate,
sensorial level what a particular woman's cunt is like.
The really heartwarming thing,” bubbles Spike Gully,
brimming over with altruistic glee, “is when I'm able
to give a male friend a fleeting reminder of some lady
he's known in the past. ‘Hey, Harry, remember this?
It's your ex-wife's cunt!’ "

As Spike scampers off, Harry Canal blushes slightly
behind his hangdog expression and surreptitiously
touches his slightly twitching upper lip. “Spike don’t
mean much harm,” apologizes Harry, “but | got some
woman spoor of my own under these fingernails; so
his kidding don’t bother me none. Since Juicy, my
wife, left me, women for the long run, let's say like
overnight, simply ain't worth the bother. | find ‘em, |
feed ‘em, I'll feel ‘em up and even fuck ‘em, but then
it's, ‘Good night, sister, let me call you a cab.’ | don’t
have time for that fuss. | can’t hardly wait for her to
get scarce so | can climb under the covers. With a
warm dog next to me, | just curl my tuna fingers on the
pillow, and it’s just every bit as good a companionship
as a man could ask for. Plus, | don’t worry about the
dog using my toothbrush in the moming.”

Women, by their very seductive nature, exude the
promise of comfort to a man. Unfortunately, many
ladies seem to have been born to renege on this
pledge of cozy cheer. The solace implied in their safe
harbors often tums out to be illusory at best, like the
hypnotic tones of sirens luring unwary males into
coves of danger. There is, however, no need to crash
upon the obstacles that most women eventually
construct just below the surface of the access lanes to
their ports. Long after a particular lady has become
more vexation than balm, her vital smells will ease a
man's most urgent anxieties.

“A good girl,” elucidates Pierce Rut, who thinks of
himself as a sort of motivational specialist, “is only
going to be a good girl for so long. A nice chick won't
necessarily become a bitch, but she will always,
sooner or later, complicate the process of fucking. The
trick is to keep her in her optimal-behavior mode for

HUSTLER APRIL

longer than she would normally stay. The way to do
this is: Don’t let her get the idea her pussy’s any more
valuable than the hamburgers or movie you have to
put up to get it. Try and stretch out the time between
fucks so she won't sense you're too eager. The eager
beaver gets trapped. How to remain aloof and still
shoot as much wad as you find necessary? Don’t wash
your hands and make sure they get totally drenched
from her hole. It's phenomenal. Amazing. The
unadulterated scent of a honey gash is just as
soothing and arousing as though the twat were there
herself. But there are bonus points: An odor never
asks you to have a conversation and take it out in
public or change the oil in its car.”

Some men take a purely utilitarian view of sleight-
of-hand snatch scent. John Thomas Gulch, for
instance, is a long-haul trucker who frequently makes
unaccompanied runs across the highways of America.
"| get pretty tired sometimes,” offers John Thomas,
who has sworn off caffeine due to lingering liver
damage from a bout of non-A non-B hepatitis. “It's
lonely out there on the road with only a radio and other
truckers on the CB to keep me company. That kind of
chatter just makes me want to doze off, which could
easily be a fatal reaction in my line of work.” Recurrent
and persistent fatigue threatened to end Gulch’s truck-
driving career, until he happened upon a solution that
not only keeps him alert, but also provides a host of
pleasant side effects. “One night | pulled into a truck
stop just to sniff the coffee,” relates John Thomas. “|
can’t afford to actually drink any, not with my liver like
it is. | must have got a real hankering look on my face.

Next thing | knew, this pretty gal who was waitressing
comes up and starts making undertures, like as if | look
like the kind of man who's hungry for something he
knows he'll like. She suggested a slice of pie, and |
went for the juicy berry filling. Filled her right up, out
behind the dishwashing machine in the back of the
kitchen. Got in my truck, couldn't hardly believe it had
really happened. | took a big snort of my fingers, just to
see if I'd been dreaming back there at the truck stop,
and wham! That pussy scent hit me like a snootful of
crank. It was real, and | was real awake.” Nowadays,
John Thomas Gulch makes a habit of stopping to lube
his finger at least every 250 miles. Then he gets back
on the road, ready to double down on his shifter. “!
meet a lot of nice women this way too,” he says.
“Although | know that’s not what's important.”

Moss Pit, a recreational carnalist who hates
overripe surprises, considers a quick digital check of a
woman's pudenda pungency as a sort of early
warning system. “I learned the hard way not to just
dive down on a slit's muff and start munching. | had a
sudden and overwhelming reaction one night from
doing just that. It was pretty hard convincing the girl
that | hadn't meant anything disrespectful by
throwing up between her thighs. | was barely able to
talk her into letting me go ahead and fuck her. Now |
avoid these embarrassing situations by doing a quick
wipe of the crease and sniffing. If | have even a hint
of a gag reflex, | go without dining at that fuck. Still, |
don't let the stinky stuff go to waste. The really rank
cunt soup? Nothing works as good for luring the cat
out from under the bed.”

“Sorry, Mr. Loomis. We've had no responses to your ad yet.”

% / “ y
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§
‘Beach-Blan

\?he Making of a
USTLER
Movie

On-the-Set Report by e.
Seth Roberts

blowjob! For the

skin stars in the cream
) factory, fucking can be
a real grind.

Venerable venery visionary Jamie Gillis
is starting to sweat. He’s been standing
on the beach in Malibu, California, for
the past half hour, wearing a polyester
pirate costume and waiting for legendary
lip-mistress Ashlyn Gere to wrap her
tonsils ‘round his reason for being.
While Gillis puffs a cigar and mollycod-
dles his dick through his blue pan-
taloons, Gere pats perspiration from her
starring-role pussy with a fluffy, pink
hand towel before smearing a fistful of
baby oil across her tawny tits and thighs.
A scorching eternity passes before the
camera finally rolls. Gillis, the title char-
acter of Captain Butts Beach, the latest
HUSTLER fuck-film fiesta, intones like
Captain Blood: “Now, my pretty, I will
teach you how to shiver me timber!”
Whereupon Gere shoves his bared cock
down her throat.

HUSTLER’s Captain Butts Beach
marks the first time Gillis and Gere
have pressed flesh. “Spread your pussy
wider,” an ecstatic Gillis demands, as
the scene kicks into Gere. “Wider!” he
pleads. Sounds of a monster sac-slurp-
ing slap the steep beachside cliffs. An-

other Malibu wave crashes home. Gillis
sheds Gere’s skimpy underwear to bur-
row two fingers inside her twin trea-
sures. Gere, meanwhile, never loses a
beat of the finger-drumming she’s got
jilling on her meaty clit. The camera
tightens on the oral fireworks as Gillis
prepares to wax poetic across Gere’s
eager cheeks. Suddenly, without warn-
ing, a bullhorn bellows from above:
“Stop what you're doing!”

The actors look to the cameraman,
who turns to the director, who looks sky-
ward and spots the vulture-like outline of
a California Marshall atop the jagged
cliff. The heat descends with surprising
news: Filming live sex acts on a public
beach is against the law. Filming grinds
to a halt, leaving the day’s first scene
drier than the summer sand.

* * *

The beach-cop incident marks the first
of many setbacks to befall Captain Butts
Beach, the hard-warming story of a 17th-
century buccaneer whose sexual frustra-
tion in the netherworld forces him out of
the grave and into the pink. Ghostly
Butts (Gillis) and his crew (T. T. Boy,

Mare Wallice and Peter North) make
Gere, Melanie Moore, Mona Lisa and
Lacy Rose walk their woody planks in a
wads-blowing series of spew scenes—
including anal and double penetration—
that guarantee this nutty nook-venture
clear sailing to the top of every jack’s
wish list.

Director Duck Dumont calls Captain
Butts Beach, shot on 16-millimeter film
at lavish So Cal locales, “a larger-than-
life muff-and-buff movie with a time-
less, epic feel.” With a budget cracking
$75,000 and an estimated shooting
schedule of a paltry three days, in main-
stream Hollywood terms, the making of
Captain Butts Beach equals the price
Spielberg pays for a box of cigars and
the time he’d take to light a single one.

Although the magazine has little to do
with hands-on movie production, the
HUSTLER seal of approval attracts the
banging-est names in jizzdom. “It’s al-
ways great to work on a HUSTLER film,
because HUSTLER stands for quality
porn,” approves Randy Spears, one of
the film’s hunky stars. “It’s the biggie in
the biz!”

A newcomer to the world of lights,
camera, friction, knockout brunette Lacy
Rose is eager to unleash the dick-suck-
ing exuberance she hopes will make her
a star. “I’m really enjoying the work, and
I hope I have a long career,” she grins
between takes. “I’m going to get a boob
job because I’m way too small for my
height.” She unbuttons her costume and
reveals her God-given flat chest, noncha-
lantly awakening a long-growing nipple
with a wipe of her tongue-moistened fin-
ger. “See? I’m an A-cup now with a lot
of nipple, but I think a small C would be
in better proportion to my body.” She
tucks the tit away and sighs dreamily
through a cloud of cigarette smoke.

Despite the initial run-in with the law,
optimism rides high for the second day’s
shooting. The scene shifts to a million-
dollar home above the smoggy hills of
L.A.’s San Fernando Valley, where an
A-frame dwelling is literally carved into
the side of a cliff. Enormous boulders
protrude through the bathroom walls,
making for an uncomfortable and fright-
ening piss.

Upstairs, Gere and Melanie Moore are
in makeup, being transformed from
girls-next-door into cum strumpets.
Gere, in particular, is candid and viva-
cious, qualities that make her sexual per-
formances fresh and exciting. She pa-
tiently humors an old-time scum scribe
who persistently interrupts her down-to-
earth conversation with inane blabber
like, “What was your silliest sexual ex-
perience?” Gere, who claims a Bache-

(continued on page 56)

APRIL HUSTLER

“Ever sincegwe were lithe
we've shared the sam
bed,” murmurs strawber
blond, 19- ae
high- school dropont

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lor’s Degree in Theatre Arts, excuses
herself for additional makeup, applied by
porn pioneer Kelly Nichols, who now
works exclusively behind-the-scenes,
though she makes a (nonsex) cameo in
Captain Butts Beach.

Having completed a dialogue-only
scene beside a luxurious black-bottom
pool, Gere retreats indoors to a water-
fall-installed bathtub, where she defends
her labe-licking title against challenger
Melanie Moore. An Oklahoma native,
Moore came West to make adult films.
An early appearance in HUSTLER Mag-
azine’s Beaver Hunt (Beaver Hunt, May
*92) helped launch her career. Without
her peroxide wig, she bears an uncanny
resemblance to the young Florence Hen-
derson of Brady Bunch fame. “It’s the
wig that really got me noticed and al-
lowed me to reach the level of porn star-
lets who command bigger fees,” claims
Moore. “It’s an easier augmentation than
fake boobs. At night, I can simply take it
off, as opposed to rolling over a pair of
rock tits!” She laughs and slips into the
phony mane, jokingly assuming a patent-
ed porn posture.

Luck helped get Moore today’s shot at
superstar Gere. Anti-anal Australian
pornstress Sunny McKay was initially
cast as Gere’s girlfriend, but withdrew
when her part called for a double pene-
tration with the boys. The producers
tried to keep the lithe Aussie on board,
offering her a straight-sex, supporting
role. When she refused to lower her day
rate (a price that “commands at least two
sex scenes,” according to Captain Butts
producer Mike Jollay), McKay was
dumped in favor of Moore, who now
happily dives between Gere’s pussy lips
in a steaming bubble bath.

As Gere rubs slick, slimy suds into
Melanie’s voluptuous tits, Moore laps
Ashlyn’s clit in a star-making frenzy.
With one hand, Gere pulls Moore’s face
deeper into her fur, while wrapping her
soapy legs around the tail-ramming
tongue-torquer. A crescendo of moans
cues both cameraman and viewer to the
climax to come. Director Dumont yells,
“Cut!” The actresses abruptly relinquish
their onscreen ardor and quietly chat like
old friends, preparing to shoot a reel of
less explicit action.

MORE EXAMPLES oF CHINESE. SLAVE LABOR

For a sex film to qualify for the soft-
core cable market, dicks can be heard,
but not seen inside pussies, and tongues
cannot slap against clits. Captain Butts
Beach will be edited and released three
different ways. “We hardly concern our-
selves with shooting for the American
[hard-core] market,” explains producer
Jollay. “You just don’t make money over
here because no one buys videos, every-
body just rents. So we shoot the film first
with the Europeans in mind; they like
their sex hard and hot, and they don’t
have as many restrictions. Then we'll
cover a scene for soft-core cable chan-
nels. For the American release, we'll
use a bit of both.”

Filming resumes a week later at a
nude beach 13 miles north of Santa Bar-
bara, minutes from former President
Ronald Reagan’s private ranch. The se-
cluded spot favors completing the scenes
that were abandoned at the opening
day’s fiasco. Unfortunately, the camera
truck has lost its way. Cast and crew
huddle aimlessly like Gilligan’s Island
castaways for the next five hours. Marc
Wallice bums cigarettes; T. T. Boy di-
gests hardboiled eggs (a porn-set staple);
and Gillis lays a pocketful of coins on a
train track, to be flattened by passing lo-
comotives as delays in production flatten
his porn-stud’s dick.

A 15-year veteran of the scuz set,
Gillis began making full-length adult
features when eight- and 16-millimeter
loops were the industry standards. He
later helped forge the now-burgeoning
amateur market by co-creating (with Ed
Powers) the groundbreaking Bus Stop
Tales and Dirty Debutantes series. He
relishes the alternative lifestyle that porn
stardom affords. “Look at this day,”
Gillis gloats, pointing to the blue sky and
Ashlyn Gere’s tits, barely concealed un-
der a pink bikini top. “Who wants to be
stuck in some office behind a desk,
wearing a suit and tie?”

Despite nearly two decades of coming
on cue, Gillis has no intention of termi-
nating his career, although he admits his
veteran status is increasingly hard to
handle. “I was recently awarded the
[Adult Video News] Lifetime Achieve-
ment award, but I turned it down,” he
muses. “I thought, This is my life? I’m
getting an award for coming on people
for 15 years? No thanks.”

Apparently, porn vet Randy Spears
came to similar conclusions during
Butts production. With one scene left to
shoot, he quit the Captain Butts set and
moved to Colorado with his wife, 1991
HUSTLER Honey of the Year Danielle
Rodgers, and their newborn daughter,
Amanda. After shooting a scene with

(continued on page 64)

APRIL HUSTLER

1992 BEAVER
GRAND PRIZE WINNER

Low
\ - is

Twenty-one-year-old
lingerie saleswoman Ava
really sold the goods to
HUSTLER readers. Ava
first appeared in Beaver
Hunt in August 1992, and >
became a Grand Prize 7 |
finalist in November 1992
(Ava: Comes in Three:

Beaver Hunt Grand Prize

Finalist #3, November ’92).
HUSTLER readers just
couldn’t get enough, vot-
ing Ava Beaver Hunt’s
1992 Grand Prize Winner.
“I can’t believe I just won
$5,000!” exclaimed Ava
upon hearing the news.
“And I get to be in
HUSTLER again!”

What do you say, #uys?
Give the girl a hand.

Photography by Clive McLean

ye

oS
Ce

Shawnee Cates just one week earlier,
Spears said prophetically, “It’s good to
get out of the business while you still
have it. I wouldn't want to stay in so
long that my age became an issue. |
mean, God bless him, but I couldn’t see
doing movies when I’m as old as
Randy West.”

Yet Gillis, whose age he won't reveal,
still enjoys the opportunity to make a
buck getting his hands wet with a pussy
such as Gere’s. “Ashlyn has a very slick,
slippery pussy,” Gillis grins. “That's
hard to find in this business. Most pro-
fessional girls’ pussies are rough, and
they feel like raw liver.”

Unfortunately, by the time the cam-
era truck arrives, Gere must leave to
shoot a previously scheduled scene for
another movie. Producer Jollay is happy
to work around Gere’s busy schedule,
since her body on a box cover guaran-
tees high revenues. “It’s a great thing to
be in demand, and I feel very fortu-
nate,” the busty brunette confides, gun-
ning her Bronco. “Once you get to this
level in the business, people want you
to keep working. For the past two years

I’ve been booked solid three months in
advance. At some point, I'll have to
start turning things down, or else I'll
burn out.”

Back in the sight lines, the DP of
Melanie Moore by butt-pirates Wallice
and Boy begins. Beachfront filming
creates special problems for the produc-
tion staff. Glare prevention requires cor-
rective camera work, while the wind
slaps the mike and disrupts the record-
ing of dialogue. In addition, a constant
flow of curious onlookers—including a
vacationing family from England—
must be screened from the action. For
the actresses, the sun and sand make it
difficult to maintain proper saliva con-
tent—a crucial X-worker accessory.

Through the early stages of Moore’s
double blowjob, she continually stops
sucking to fortify her dry mouth with
gulps of fresh water.

During breaks, it’s up to the men to
keep themselves up. Between Wallice
and Boy, an entire squirt-top bottle of
AstroGlide skin lube disappears in the
three hours it takes to capture eight min-
utes of actual screen time. Wallice and

“Oh, yes! Oh, yes! Oh, baby, baby! Oh, swat those flies!”

64

his banana schlong assume the role of
anal plunderer, while Boy lounges on his
back, to allow Moore’s trim pussy an
easy slide down his pole. Moore winces
between takes as Wallice pumps his dick
in and out of her ass.

“Have you got enough?” she implores
director Dumont at one point. “Thirty
more seconds,” he replies, holding her
shoulders like a proud father steadying a
nervous bride. Wallice applies another
condom (“scum bags,” he happily calls
them) and reinserts his dong for an ultra-
ultra close-up. As the fellow dicksters
join in the “pop shot,” Boy shoots a load
up Moore's butt crack, while Wallice
drops one down.

A month and a half later, the cast and
crew meet at the same Santa Barbara
spot for what the crew hopes will be the
final day of shooting. Despite the legal
intrusions and scheduling setbacks of
this production, its placid director seems
confident that Butts will be an award-win-
ning movie. “Since we have a larger bud-
get than most, it gives us an opportunity to
take more time, to have more setups and
make the most professional movie pos-
sible,” Dumont offers between takes and
cellular-phone calls. “So many people
are content with knocking out dialogue
after one take and moving to the bed-
room to rush through nine or ten obliga-
tory sex scenes. To me, that’s what’s ru-
ining the business.”

The day begins optimistically. The
camera truck arrives on time. The beach
is clear. It’s ten o’clock on a sunny Au-
gust morning when Peter North, Lacy
Rose and Mona Lisa begin their highly
anticipated threeway. North, dressed as
one of Captain Butts’s 17th-century sea-
men, descends upon the damsels in un-
dress. A victim of either too much hair
dye or the bristling heat, he appears fa-
tigued at first, but springs to life during
the double blowjob.

As the scene enters its climactic
phase, North slides his all-star prick in-
side the asshole of newcomer Rose. She
eagerly recites the magical incantation
that conjures orgasms in the world of
porn: “Oh, yeah, fuck my ass!’’ while
Mona Lisa drapes her inflated boobs
across Lacy’s face. After several angles
are covered, North pulls his pud out of
Rose’s shitter in anticipation of the “anal
pop.” Rose appears uncomfortable. A
grain of sand has slid down her butt pipe.
Before the camera rolls, she spreads her
butt cheeks apart and attempts to fish out
the intruder. Nothing short of a healthy
shit will expel the evil sand cling-on. “Is
there any way we could finish this with-
out [North] going back inside?” she asks
Dumont. The answer is negative.

(continued on page 117)

APRIL HUSTLER

“Shit—4 thought we were done with that nutty bastard!”

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ANERICA
Poisou-Pen Profile by

Fames Jennings and

>». John Shinners

Around 1794 the Walnut Street Jail in
Philadelphia was converted to become the
first penitentiary in the United States. As
prison buildings rose in the ensuing rush for
crime management, architects of that era
turned to Gothic-style fagades, intending the
look of the new prisons to mirror the cathe-
drals of Europe in the Middle Ages. The ul-
terior motive behind this design was to
make the people inside these grand struc-
tures appear small and insignificant. The
walls said, “You are at the mercy of the sys-
tem now—you are a forgotten piece of shit.”

Monotony, deprivation, isolation, unifor-
mity and fear—such are the tools of system-
atic degradation utilized by maximum-
security penitentiaries.

Picking the ten toughest penitentiaries in
America may appear an exercise in futility.
Hell is hell. But the factors considered for
this selection proved quantifiable: a con-
vict’s fear for his life while doing time there;
the quality of housing; the nature of work
assignments and security perimeters; and the
general attitude created by the staff and/or
inmates. Hard time isn’t necessarily judged
by bloodshed, brutality and bad food—it can
be the atmosphere of a prison. HUSTLER’s

fa
”

|) GRAND poariowAl
THBOW LIKE A GIRL

1— CHAMPIONSHIF

top ten worst prisons in America follow, in
alphabetical order.

ANGOLA: LOUISIANA

Angola, the Louisiana State Penitentiary,
is located at the end of a state road, 52 miles
north of Baton Rouge, in an area geographi-
cally caged by a curve in the Mississippi
River and the Tunica Hills, where erosion
has formed natural walls.

Professional con artists, armed robbers,
rapists, murderers and drug dealers from as
near as New Orleans and as far away as
South America are housed together in An-
gola’s main compound, a campus-like set-
ting of mostly single-level buildings
surrounded by guard towers overlooking
double fences topped with generous rolls of
razor wire. Wires are suspended above the
prison yard to discourage helicopter escapes.
The general population is housed in dormi-
tories strung off a long walkway that con-
nects all the institution’s buildings. Cell
blocks are reserved for the super-bad and for
protection cases.

Having bad breath can get an inmate
killed at Angola. Former inmate James Jen-
nings served time at Angola in the 1960s.
“In my 20 months at Angola,” he reports, “I

Ai

saw dudes killed for things like switching
the TV to another channel, stealing a pillow
and winning a chess game. The mess-hall
meat cooler was used as a morgue. One
morning, I had to shove five sheeted, tagged
bodies out of the way to get to the milk.”

Recalls a recently released Angola in-
mate: “To make it at "Gola, you gotta be an
expert at minding your own business or else
be sitting on some damn fine pussy. Even
then, you sleep with one eye open and your
shank under your pillow.”

ATTICA: NEW YORK

What do you get when you mix brothers
from Harlem, Micks from the Bronx and Ital-
ians from Queens and the Lower East Side of
New York inside one of the most notorious
prisons in America? A bloody mess.

Anyone who’s read books or seen movies
that present a stereotyped prison environ-
ment—small, dungeon-like cells built in
tiers, granite-jawed cons talking out of the
sides of their mouths and an atmosphere
heavy with violence—has witnessed life in-
side Attica. (Incidentally, wiseguys talking
out of the sides of their mouths came from
the days of silence in prisons, when convicts
were forbidden to speak, even in a whisper,
and to do so bought the offender a flogging.)

Most of the jailhouse attitudes prevalent
in East Coast maximum security prisons can
be traced to the New York State Prison at
Auburn, which opened in 1819. The Auburn
method of rehabilitation included isolation,
a strict code of silence and beating inmates
unmercifully for any transgression.

Located in Upstate New York, just east of
Buffalo, Attica is what is called in the cor-
rections business a “walled city.” Accord-
ing to one Attica convict, “Attica’s
inmates spend most of their spare time
sharpening their shanks and sizing up po-
tential pussy boys. AIDS? Most couldn’t
care less—Attica is worse than AIDS.”

CUMMINS: ARKANSAS

Gone but not forgotten are the days in the
1960s when bodies were being dug up on
the grounds of the Cummins Unit of the
Arkansas Department of Corrections.

Located about 50 miles southeast of Pine
Bluff, Cummins utilizes both cells and dor-
mitories and employs the standard Southern
prison industry of farming. Guards on
horseback ride herd over the hard-working
convicts. Cotton is the primary crop. “In-
mates are so worn out when they come out
of the fields,” laments one former Cummins
guest, “they don’t give a damn if the din-
ner’s edible or not. They just want to crash.”

Another former Cummins prisoner says,
“I’ve been in tough joints—Trenton, New
Jersey, and Brushy Mountain, Tennessee—
but for sheer hard-time hell, Cummins
ranks supreme.”

DRAPER: ALABAMA

A rebel-versus-rebel war almost began

(continued on page 106)

APRIL HUSTLER

“Okay, Donald, you took pictures while I used a vibrator. Any more sick ideas?”

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her place for some fun. The guy couldn’t believe it when
they pulled up the driveway of her grandiose Beverly
Hills mansion. “You must be expensive. How much for
a handjob?” he meekly inquired.

“$400,” the hooker replied.

Shocked, the man then asked, “And a blowjob?”

“$600,” the hooker smiled.

The guy hemmed and hawed a bit. “Are you worth
it?” he gently asked.

The hooker answered, “Well, you see my house, don’t
you? I earned it doing this; so I must be worth it!”

Impressed, the man agreed to fork over $600 for a

blowjob. An hour later, after he scraped his brains off

the ceiling, he turned to the hooker and said, “You suck
dick like no one I’ve ever known. That was awesome!
But I gotta know—how much does it cost to get into
your pussy?”

The hooker smiled sweetly and said, “If I had a pussy,
buddy, I’d own New York!”

Qrestion: What do the television shows Roseanne and
Green Acres have in common?
Answer: Both feature a pig named Arnold.

Tv condemned men were in their final hour when the
warden paid them a visit. “I’m here to grant you each a
last request before your executions,” he said.

“Well, warden,” said the first prisoner, “I'd sure like
to hear ‘Achy Breaky Heart’ just one last time...”

“Oh, shit!” interrupted the second prisoner. “Warden,
would you have mercy and take me first?”

Ai erman’s wife caught him looking at HUSTLER.
“What the hell are you doing with that?” she demanded.
“Hey, stop bitchin’,” he told her. “I read the articles.”
“Yeah?” she snapped. “And I go to the mall to listen
to the music!”

88

A young woman got onto a crowded bus and searched
for a seat. She found one next to a fortyish bum, whose
leg began twitching uncontrollably as soon as she sat
down, Finally she had to ask him what was wrong.
“There’s some shrapnel in my leg, ma'am,” the man
apologized. “I got it in Vietnam.”

The woman got up and moved to another seat. Almost
immediately, a man began swinging his arms wildly in
front of her face. “Sorry, miss,” he said, “I have shell
fragments in my arms, from Vietnam.”

Once more the woman changed seats, this time sitting
next to a man near the rear of the bus. She noticed that
he held his arm straight out in front of him; his index
finger was stiff and his wrist was shaking. She looked at
him sympathetically and said, “I guess you got that in
Vietnam, huh?”

“No, lady,” he retorted. “I got that out of my nose.
Now I'm trying to get it off of my finger!”

The HUSTLER Dictionary defines genius as: an aver-
age student with a Jewish mother.

A. an exclusive country club that enforced strict
adherence to ground rules, a regular saw a new golfer
place his ball six inches in front of the tee markers. The
regular rushed over and confronted the man. “Sir, | don’t
know whether you happen to be a guest or a member,
but our rules are very strict about placing your tee at or
behind the marker before driving the ball.”

The new golfer looked the stickler right in the eye.
“First, | am a guest, not a member, of this club,” he said.
“Second, I don’t care about your rules. And third, this is
my second shot.”

Qhestion: Why was Margot Perot ecstatic when her
husband lost the election?

Answer: Because if Ross had become President, it
would have meant moving to a smaller house in a
black neighborhood.

Jim cracked up when he saw his wife ironing her bra.

“Why bother?” he asked. “You got nothing to put in it.”
“Using those guidelines,” she shot back, “I guess |

don’t need to iron your boxer shorts anymore, do I?”

HUSTLER Humor jokes are sent to us by our readers.
If you've heard a gut-buster lately, why not send it our
way? Submit your jokes on 3" X 5" cards, mailed in a
sealed envelope, to HUSTLER Humor, 9171 Wilshire
Boulevard, Suite 300, Beverly Hills, CA 90210. If your
joke is selected, we'll send you a check for $50.
Sorry —we cannot return submissions. @

[seam

a

_ as

“I’m sorry we ever trained that cat to use the toilet.”

GIRLY

The Secret Life of a Feminist Womanizer

UNDERCOVER PROGE BY SELWYN HARRIS

*.
¢
y

Ps

a NT

A. HUSTLER’ tum- Nerihe has
* joined the -girls-first_movemiént— ~
atid he's a hard chump to dump.

ILLUSTRATION. @Y JEFF WONG

Dangle a carrot from a stick in front of a
donkey, and he'll pull a cart; bait a hook
with the right kind of worm, and there’ ll
be trout for dinner; offer alcoholic, skirt-
chasing porn-monger Selwyn Harris
more beer money than he’d make in a
month at his straight job, and he will
gladly rise at 4:30 on a Sunday morning
for an hours-long bus excursion from
New York City to Washington, D.C., to
attend the March for Women's Lives po-
litical rally sponsored by the Women’s
Action Committee.

To sic a dyed-in-the-tool male chau-
vinist like Harris on thousands of hard-
core feminists at a left-wing political
blowout is HUSTLER’ s idea of journal-
istic enterprise. Herewith is Harris's
firsthand account.

* * *

Using the F-word to describe the
busload of granola girls with whom I
find myself grooving down I-95 before
the crack of dawn aboard Greyhound’s
Sunday hangover special is not to im-
ply that this particular gaggle of gals
are of the fun-lovin’, free-wheelin’, lip-
stick-lesbian school of modern-day

7] Ns

| i ees

“Poor bastard—he stil

92

feministas. Au contraire, compadres:
These ladies are of the deodorant-
equals-death, “Our Bodies, Our
Smells” variety—in other words, repre-
sentatives of the traditional school,
whose on-campus barber’s crewcut-
clippers are never idle; which boasts
more flannel and jack boots than a lum-
ber camp; where Earth Mama 101 stu-
dents are so opposed to eating meat
that they actually convert their plentiful
mounds of unshaven body hair into
convenient armpit vegetable gardens.

This is a National Organization for
Women bus I’m riding (New York City
division), and these are—and I’m not
even comfortable typing such a term—
fear-mongering, contemptuous-of-any-
one-bearing-testicles womyn.

The burden that they present on
one’s eyes, ears, nose and netherparts
notwithstanding, they are a nice enough
bunch of females. When one picnic-tot-
ing passenger hears a Richter Scale-tip-
ping grrrowwwil emanate from my ill-
fed but beer-swollen belly, she has an
emergency babaganoush-on-pita sand-
wich shoved down my throat within

vo a

=<
= %
Se

1 misses his ex-wife.”

seconds. I thank her, although the first
sight I glimpse as my consciousness re-
turns from starvation delirium is a but-
ton reading “Pornography Violates My
Civil Rights.” Bon appetit!

Our destination is the March for
Women’s Lives, a political rally mount-
ed in Washington, D.C, Bitchfests go on
all the time in our nation’s capital, but
this particular event boasts a feature oth-
ers lack: a man from HUSTLER Maga-
zine to lend a hand! Naturally, safety
dictates that I remain undercover.

The Suzanne Vega-inspired sing-
along that grips my fellow passengers en
route does not interest me; so I refer to
my books. The first I paid $20 for be-
cause it was full of pictures I could jerk
off to; the second I shoplifted, because to
buy it would have been akin to paying
for the privilege of having one’s gonads
pounded into goat cheese.

The two volumes are Angry Women,
an overview/ anthology of leading radi-
cal performance artists (of the watch-
me-scream-while-I-shove-kitty-litter-
up-my-ass variety), and feminist author
Susan Faludi’s much ballyhooed Back-
lash: The Undeclared War Against
American Women, a compendium of
theories regarding the cultural oppres-
sion of women. Soon after perusing
these tomes, I’m happy to join the gals
in a chorus of “Luka.”

The first sight to greet my weary,
bloodshot peepers upon descending from
the bus in D.C. is nearly as distressing as
the fact that it is still too early for the
liquor stores to open. Television cameras
surround a group of leather-queen plac-
ard-wavers dancing ring-around-the-
rosy-style around a prim-faced individu-
al who is desperately trying to scream
out some sort of a statement.

The Maypole dancers are chanting, in
a triumphant bid to drown him out,
“We're loud! We’re here! We’re loud!
We’re here! Pro-choice and queer!”
Who can the nebbishy little fella possi-
bly be to incur the wrath of these fetus-
frying butt-bandits? 1 ponder. With
some difficulty, I make out the legend
the nerd bears on his T-shirt: “Queer for
Life.” Good Lord Almighty! It’s an an-
ti-choice anus archer!

“I’m Chase, a member of a pro-life
seed group,” he informs me after the
broadcast folks have cleared away. Not
really wanting to hear too much more
from a gay guy involving the term
seed, | press him on his basic philoso-
phy, figuring a womb-worshiping
wang-wagger will make me laugh. He
doesn’t. “I believe that life is sacred,”
he blabbers straight-faced. “I also be-
lieve that gays, as an oppressed group,
have much in common with the un-

APRIL HUSTLER

SS

a
Sv
y SSSS

born.” I note with some approval that,
with this, he scores a perfect ten on the
bullshit meter!

So I inquire, confidentially, “Is the
reason your T-shirt says ‘Queer for Life’
instead of ‘Queers for Life’ because, re-
ally, there is no seed group? It’s just you,
ain’t it, homo—er, I mean, homeboy?”

“Are we going to fa/k, or are you go-
ing to be a wise-ass?” he spits back.

“Chase, to be honest,” I reply, “I don’t
want to be any kind of ass in your pres-
ence! No offense,” I quickly add, but he
takes offense anyhow.

Just as I am bidding adieu to my fag
friend, a big, bluejean-clad bum-cake—
on a girl, smart-ass—catches my eye,
and I trail after it, all hypnotized-like.

We walk, with my line of sight fixed
on her juicy jigglesteak, for what may
have been miles. I would have gladly
followed this dynamite piece of bimboli-
na down an alligator-infested sewer pipe
or into a burning building. Either of
these predicaments would have been
preferable to the one that finally snaps
me out of my trance.

“Gazer!” a female voice screams. I

“Okay...so we won't discuss swallowing my sperm.”

Pe

blink and shake my head like Elmer
Fudd at a Wabbit. “Break the ga-a-
aze, asshole!” yells the mystery eti-
quette taskstress.

I look around, but notice no one in
particular to peg as my harasser. It
could have been anybody; really, it is
everybody, since I have haplessly wan-
dered into the heart of protest-land and
now find myself in the midst of a surg-
ing, unholy throng, overwhelmed by
the sight of countless, looming banners
that bear the logo of the Women’s Ac-
tion Coalition, which is a giant, glaring
eye surrounded by the words, “WAC is
Watching!” At this point, I did not
need convincing.

The “gaze” that my accuser had called
me on (and of which I was guilty but
couldn’t feel more guilt-free) was what
these feminists describe as a male tool in
the objectification and belittlement of
women—what menfolk such as myself
and my cool lesbian friends call check-
ing out chicks.

Becoming transfixed by the sight of a
woman on the street has been construed
by radical feminists as a hostile act—that

mall

is, if the looker happens to be male.
Trouble with “the grab,” I can under-
stand, but putting “the gaze” into the
same Category I consider preposterous!

So it goes in ridiculous times. A Min-
nesota court this year awarded a teen-
aged girl $15,000 in reparations for the
so-called mental anguish inflicted on her
by “vulgar grafitti” she read in her high
school’s toilet stalls. An issue of Dirt
magazine, which is a mealy-mouthed,
liberal propaganda rag aimed at teenage
boys, put out by the junior-league cul-
tural-elite biddies at Sassy magazine,
trumpets this mind-boggling judicial de-
cision and other high-school harassment
codes that have subsequently been made
into law in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania,
and Amherst, Massachusetts.

The linchpin of these anti-erection
edicts is the elimination of “unwelcome
sexual communication,” which leads to
“uncomfortable atmospheres.”

Now, I’m no Thelma or Louise, but I
think a fella ought to keep his hands
where they’re wanted. Dirt wraps up,
however, by warning the germ of
American manhood to “think twice be-
fore making what you consider a funny
remark or ‘harmless stare.’ ”

Stare? Stare? Last I checked, it was
sticks and stones that broke bones, and
names didn’t even hurt—did I somehow
miss the part about the sideways glances
that traumatize and debilitate? Luckily,
we in America still have that pesky First
Amendment. As long as there’s the nui-
sance of free speech, there'll be “com-
munication” certain people might not
want to hear, and “atmospheres” less tol-
erable than fucking Shangri-la, for
gosh’s sakes.

I fight my way through a jillion
swinging “Keep Your Rosaries Off My
Ovaries” posters until I find the Wom-
en’s Action Coalition information
table. I speak with a representative
named Amy.

“The Woman’s Action Coalition is a
multi-faceted network group committed
to just that: action!” she tells me. “We
were inspired by the direct-approach tac-
tics of similar groups like ACT UP [The
AIDS Coalition to Unleash Power] and
WHAM [Women’s Health Access and
Mobilization].”

ACT UP? WAC? WHAM? Is it a co-
incidence, | wonder, or are fringe-liberal
activist groups taking their monikers
from the onscreen fight sounds from the
‘60s Batman TV series?

Amy continues: “WAC is interested in
all crises faced by today’s women, from
lack of federally funded day-care to un-
equal opportunity in business to, of
course, sexual harassment.”

(continued on page 104)

APRIL HUSTLER

> eC Ss ~

Neen fil

That's another thing you do that I find irritating fg

10h

DARRYL

_ke su wi ine |
and [suk yo U till go
“ Moxplode” ff challenges
mama $ boy Darryl at an early
evening get-together poolside in
iami Beach, Florida.
Tough call for Darryl: End result? —.
‘Tonight, his Jewish mother will
just have to take no for an answer.
PHOTOG RAPNNBY CLE WCLER Hs

“You mean, like the gaze?” I inquire.

“Sure!” she chimes. “It all starts there!
You wanna know something incredible?
Even here today, with all these men pro-
fessing to be concerned with women’s
rights, I’ve seen one man after another
gazing away like it’s nobody’s business.
Talk about hypocrisy! It’s scary!”

“Is WAC opposed to censorship?” I
ask, with a gleam in my eye.

“Of course we are,” Amy answers.

“So you would be willing to talk to
me even if, theoretically, | were writing
an article for HUSTLER Magazine?”

“Of course I wouldn’t! I'd have noth-
ing to do with you!” she answers.

“Would somebody else from WAC
agree to talk to HUSTLER?”

“No way! We are categorically op-
posed to HUSTLER Magazine. Pornog-
raphy is one of our primary targets.”

“But you’re opposed to censorship?”

Oops! Sore point: Amy gives me the
Brush-Off, which is, in my experience,
no less demeaning than the Gaze.

At that moment, a brouhaha breaks
out around the main stage near the
steps of the Capitol building. Jane

Ss

\

fy»

Fonda has come out to flap her scalpel-
tightened yap. “I am the face of Pro-
Choice America!” she crows to the
crowd. Yowsa! Without all that plastic
surgery, the face of Pro-Choice Ameri-
ca would be plowin’ the pavement!

Conga-beats and jingle-bells molest
my ear, indicating hippie-chicks in
loose-fitting clothes bobbing up and
down. I catch a gaze-ful of just that, on-
ly better: The chicks are punks, the type
all too proud to show off their nipple-
rings. Yum yum!

Multiple-retarded college boys (to
whom I'd be grateful if they dropped
dead) gather in a circle banging a piti-
ful percussive beat on coffee cans,
while the green-haired goddesses in the
middle of the group shake tam-
bourines—and that’s not all! Every so
often, the pseudo-Ubangi bop-tune
they've concocted stops, and every-
body involved shouts a slogan like
“Freedom!” or “Choice!”

I wonder why they all get so mad
when, instead of shouting “Power!” I
bark, “Hey, babe in the Motorhead
shirt—bend over a little more!” Doesn't

\

DWAIN T Meee,

“No wonder you have such bad luck with men, Elizabeth. You just beg to be shit on!”

104

honesty count for anything these days?

Back on the stage, the peripatetic Ms.
Gloria Steinem herself cracks shock-
jock level jokes about President Bush’s
alleged infidelity. Wanna bet she was
among the very first to boohoo about
the Republicans’ “dirty tricks” and
“smear tactics” when the dirt flew to-
ward the Bill Clinton campaign last
fall? Do you think the WAC-girls will
take her to task on such “scary
hypocrisy”? Will Selwyn Harris be
elected president of NOW?

High time, then, to deliver a little aid
and comfort to the “enemy”: I head
straight for the nearest flambéd-fetus
photo. Feminists for Life is the organiza-
tion, and to the supposed freethinkers be-
hind this day’s event, they represent the
ultimate pariah party, a paradox on par
with Jews for Hitler or Coyotes for the
Road Runner. In short, they’re consid-
ered nuts.

A handsome, black woman named
Naomi is the wackadoo I approach for
chitchat. Explains Naomi, “Feminists for
Life believes that the cause of absolute
pacifism—which is to say, the preserva-
tion of peace and the sanctity of all life
under all circumstances—is inherently
intertwined with the root causes of femi-
nism. One must embrace both if one is to
achieve the goals of either. Feminists for
Life oppose war and government abuse
of human rights. We’re as committed to
fighting capital punishment as we are to
protecting the unborn.”

“I'd wager that you don’t get labeled
‘psycho’ by our enlightened masses here
when you start talking that line though,”
I inject like a smart aleck.

Homegirl Naomi cracks a broad grin.
“You're very perceptive!”

Yeah, and I got a big dick too!

“What’s more,” she continues, “as a
woman of color, I’m concerned with the
disproportionate rates of abortion among
minority women. It’s very distressing.”

Merrily taking the cue, I ask, “Do you
know what they call abortion clinics in
black neighborhoods? Crime-stoppers!”

Her grin disappears. Chitchat is over!

In the distance, the sky grows darker.
Someone calls out, “Take back the
night!” Terror freezes me in my tracks.
Of the many odious sights and sounds
(not to mention smells) in which I had
immersed myself as preparation for this
hairy-armed hegira, none was as vile as
the horrific hissyfit hoedown known by
those four syllables, the very mention of
which shreds my brain.

Mere printed words cannot convey the
abomination called “Take Back the
Night,” but dig if you will a picture: the
courtyard of a major Ivy League Univer-

(continued on page 117)

APRIL HUSTLER

“How did you ever get a nickname like...uh... Dumbo?”

when temperatures were taken while com-
paring Alabama prisons. Some inmates
named Draper the toughest joint, while oth-
ers gave Holman that title. One veteran ex-
con insisted that the Julia Tutwiler Prison for
Women was the worst in the state. “Those
bitches are so mean, theyll serve your peck-
er to you on a plate,” he said. Draper was
chosen because it has the ugliest name.

Is the Alabama corrections system as bad
now as it was under the zero-tolerance direc-
tive of Governor George Wallace? “It’s
worse,” attest three former inmates. “At least
when Wallace had control, the joints were
segregated. After integration came along, the
blacks outnumbered the whites. The Civil
War is fought daily in Alabama’s prison sys-
tem. If you’re a Yankee, don’t even think
about committing a crime in Alabama.”

Alabama boasts of having the finest
tracking dogs in the country, According to
one Draper ex-inmate, “They use two
bloodhounds to track you, and two Dober-
mans to eat you after you're caught.”

ELLIS UNIT 1: TEXAS

Ellis Unit 1, Texas Department of Crim-
inal Justice, is one of 36 corrections facili-
ties in the state penal system. Ellis is one of

iL

“I'm sorry, | couldn’t get all the stains out.”

106

TDCJ’s maximum-security units, housing
dangerous repeat offenders and capital-
crimes offenders. It is also the waiting spot
for Death Row inmates facing lethal injec-
tion, though the actual execution takes
place 19 miles away at the “Walls” unit in
downtown Huntsville.

Ninety miles north of Houston, Ellis I uti-
lizes a single, long building surrounded by
high-security fences equipped with sensors
and tower guards. The majority of the in-
mates are housed in three-tiered cellblock
wings. Movement is strictly controlled.

Ellis inmates wear coarse yarn whites.
Haircuts are military style; no facial hair is
allowed. The majority of the inmate popula-
tion is assigned to field labor. At mealtimes,
inmates file between yellow lines to the cen-
tral mess hall—the Arena of Death at Ellis I.
Isolated from their enemies under lockdown
conditions, inmates use the mess-hall area as
a common war zone.

James Jennings was an inmate at Ellis I
for a few months in 1980. “We slept three
men to a two-man cell, and tempers stayed
on edge,” he recalls. “I was in a cell with
two murderers—nice guys, I might add—
and one was fresh off Death Row. He was

always whispering to me, ‘See that guy over
there—what d’ya think? Think he’s out to
get me? Think I oughta get him first?” Guys
I’ve talked to since tell me Ellis hasn’t
changed—it’s still a living morgue. If you
get busted in Texas, ask to go to Mountain
View, the women’s unit. The bitches are on-
ly half as tough as the Ellis dudes.”

FOLSOM: CALIFORNIA

Folsom Prison, located about 15 miles
east of Sacramento, has been around nearly
as long as the state of California; since 1880
it’s been the star of movies and songs, as has
its close cousin, San Quentin. For years, the
title of baddest was a contest between the
two famous prisons until San Quentin’s se-
curity was lowered to medium, leaving Fol-
som to cage the real killers.

California doesn’t have the fastest grow-
ing prison system in America—New Hamp-
shire leads with a 168.7% increase in prison
population from 1984 to 1990—but Califor-
nia’s remains the largest, with more than
90,000 inmates. Folsom is home to the ma-
jority of California’s hard-core cons.

“It’s not the administration anymore
that’s kickass,” states a Folsom graduate
who was released in 1990, “it’s that Califor-
nia itself is a macho state. Cons at Folsom
consider themselves less criminals than pris-
oners of war—anarchic aggressors against
the system.”

Many walled prisons are known as “in-
dustrialized penitentiaries.”” License plate-
making has long been synonymous with
these prisons. According to plan, Folsom in-
mates will soon be kept busy making high-
way signs. When they’re not working sign
shifts, they’re watching their backs.

“Too many snitches today,” complains a
Quentin and Folsom retiree. “Killing in Fol-
som is an art. The idea is not only to take out
the enemy, but to get away with it. You have
to know how to use a shank [in order] to
maximize the internal bleeding. Crowds are
good too. When you aren’t in a crowd,
you're too noticeable.”

There ain’t much way to escape crowds
in a penitentiary as popular as Folsom.

JACKSON: MICHIGAN

The Michigan State Penitentiary at Jack-
son is the U.S.’s largest penitentiary, another
so-called walled city. Recreation areas are
separated, one to each wing of the prison. An
inmate’s worst enemy—the guy who
snitched on him—amight be within 100 feet of
him, but he’d never get a chance to kill him.
He has to make arrangements to do a “swap
kill-out”—agree to kill a snitch for someone
on the other side, who kills the first in return.

Copied along the lines of the Auburn Sys-
tem, the cells at Jackson are small and dun-
geon-like. Like the city (Detroit) from which
most of its convicts come, Jackson is dirty,
old and decaying. And like Detroit, its
black-to-white ratio is three to two.

(continued on page 114)

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publish your photo, you'll win $250 and a chance to be chosen for an
extended pictorial worth $5,000, Send photos, IDs and release to HUSTLER
Beover Hunt, 9171 Wilshire Bld. Ste. 300, Beverly Hills, CA 90210
PLEASE PRINT

MODELS NAME

ADDRESS

“OCCUPATION

HOBBIES

SEXUAL FANTASIES

ANY ALIAS, NICKNAME, STAGE OR PRO NAME
NAME TO BE PUBLISHED

DATE OF BIRTH PHONE (INCLUDE AREA CODE)

MODELS SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER

INCLUDE SEPARATE SHEET IF NECESSARY

PHOTOGRAPHER

ADDRESS

WIN $5,000 CASH!

NEW ID LAWS—SEE DETAILS BELOW
NOTE: PRIZE MONEY SENT TO MODEL ONLY.

in consideration of $250, | hereby give HUSTLER Magazine,
its affiliates, successors and assigns, and those acting under
its permission or upon its authority, full worldwide rights and
exclusive permission in perpetuity to copyright and / or
publish any photographs of myself with or without my name
and to make any changes or any additions whatsoever to
such photographs, portraits or any of the above information,
whether true or fictional. | understand that editorial matter
will accompany these photos and that my photographs can be
published in other affiliated magazines. | certify that | am of
full age and om possessed of full legal copacity to execute
the foregoing authorization.

WARNING: ANYONE SIGNING THIS RELEASE FORM OTHER

THAN THE MODEL WILL BE SUBJECT TO MONETARY
DAMAGES AND/OR CRIMINAL PROSECUTION.

1 DECLARE UNDER PENALTY OF PERJURY THAT ALL OF THE
INFORMATION | HAVE GIVEN ABOVE IS TRUE
AND CORRECT.

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Photo by Husband

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A white inmate now serving a federal
sentence laments (and it doesn’t sound like a
joke), “The best advice I can give a white
man about doing time in Jackson is to buy
himself a can of black shoe polish and learn
to say muthafuckah with a drawl.”

MARION: ILLINOIS

The United States Penitentiary at Marion
was opened in 1963 as a super maximum-
security facility modeled after world-famous
Alcatraz. Because so many tourists in San
Francisco complained about the conditions
at highly visible Alcatraz, however, prison
authorities hid their new prison in the mid-
dle of some bottomland in southern Illinois,
about 300 miles south of Chicago and 120
miles southeast of St. Louis.

The poor fuckups imprisoned at Marion
are secured inside a building that would prob-
ably withstand an Apache helicopter assault,
surrounded by double 12-foot fences topped
with security wire and eight manned towers.
The cells are single-man; some units are un-
der 23-hour-a-day lockdown. In the prison’s
maximum-security unit, movement by an in-
mate requires the supervision of three correc-
tional officers, and the prisoner is chained and
handcuffed before his cell door is opened.

<<

The staff-to-inmate ratio is almost one to
one. As of August 1992, there were 370 in-
mates housed at Marion. Many were super-
criminals, while some just had the bad habit
of killing anything that moved. Drug-runner
and Russian spy Christopher “The Falcon
and the Snowman” Boyce once had his sin-
gle home in the super-secret Black Hole of
Marion; two of his neighbors were spies.
Carlos Lehder, the Colombian drug lord who
later tumed snitch against Noriega, also did
time at Marion. Boyce and Lehder have
moved to other jails, but a cell in the Black
Hole is reserved for coke czar Pablo Escobar.

Considering that Marion prisoners can’t
even fart without six hacks measuring the
stink, how do they manage to continue to
kill each other, as well as an occasional
keeper? Whoever finds out should give Fed-
eral Bureau of Prisons Director J. Michael
Quinlan a call: He'd like to know.

A new super-prison with varying levels of
security is scheduled to open in Florence,
Colorado, in 1994 or °95, to which the in-
mates at Marion will be moved. Unofficial
sources state that super-maximum prisoners
at the new institution will be allowed to
downgrade their security classifications

“C'mon, hon...show the Weintraubs that trick you do with your butt cheeks and a plastic straw...”

114

through a “point system.” Apparently, like
its cruel forerunner Alcatraz, nightmarish
Marion will one day become just a footnote
in the history of penology.

NEW MEXICO STATE, SANTA FE

The state fish of New Mexico is the cut-
throat trout; the state prisoner could be
called the cutthroat Mexican. During a riot
in 1980, New Mexico State Penitentiary,
Santa Fe, inmates used drills to puncture
each other’s ears and eyes, and blowtorched
the faces of fellow cons.

“When the cons at Santa Fe run out of
soccer balls, they cut off some poor bas-
tard’s head and use it,” swears a New Mexi-
co State Penitentiary ex-con. Another says,
“I did time at Sing Sing and thought that
motherfucker was the abysmal pit. But the
dudes at Santa Fe can find more horrible
ways of killing a man and aren’t above
putting jalapefio juice on their dicks before
gangbanging a sweetie.”

Overcrowded cons at New Mexico State
sleep on the floor between beds in dormito-
ries. The 60 to 80 square-foot cells are sar-
dine cans. According to insiders, the
Mexican cons are big on butt pussy. Macho
is their thing. Tattoos on their upper bodies,
notches on their dicks. And don’t forget the
Indians—the Navajos at Mexico State aren't
quite as peaceful as history books make
them out to be. Being baldheaded won't
help a man either: These braves are more apt
to scalp his balls.

STATEVILLE: ILLINOIS

If this list had not been arranged alphabet-
ically, Stateville prison probably would’ ve
ranked number one. Stateville is ugly. It’s
dirty. The hacks are mean. The cons are
triple mean. The facility is an inner circle
of cellblock wings, each having five tiers
and no wire to stop a man from being
thrown off the top to the concrete below.
In bloody riots, Stateville ranks alongside
New Mexico State and Attica.

Sex is the focal point of every fried brain at
Stateville; inmates are either fuckers or fuck-
ees. Claims one ex-con, “If a single con at
Stateville has AIDS, then everybody there
has it, because fucking and bloody killings
are the thing at Stateville. These guys aren’t
into silent killing. The more a man screams
and bleeds, the more they love it. You can get
AIDS from just being a witness to murder,
with all the fresh blood spraying around.”

The two rival factions at Stateville are the
White Aryan Brotherhood and the Mau
Maus. Working on down the ladder, there
are the sweeties (turned-out prison homos),
a few super-bad loners and the anybodys
(free pussy for all). Turf at Stateville is not
as important as sex. Boy pussy is the issue.
That, and just plain killing for the fun of it.

Anyone passing through Stateville, just
outside Chicago, should be sure to visit the
graveyard outside the wall of the prison. It’s
known as Boot Hill to the cons. @&

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Meanwhile, Gere prepares for the cli-
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Unfortunately, he hasn‘t arrived to
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polyester, nor to enjoy the ocean view.
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before Gere and Gillis can complete the
film’s climax.

As a result, they'll shoot their scene,
and Gillis his pent-up load, back at the
San Fernando Valley cliffhanging man-
sion. (“I'll be really upset if we don’t
shoot this today,” Gillis jokes on the
drive back to town, “because I purposely
didn’t masturbate last night in prepara-
tion for this scene.”) Gere will deliver
the blowjob against the exterior boulders
of the house, and the scene will later be
edited to make it appear as if the cum
sprayed surfside.

Gere strips down and, even before the
camera rolls, sucks Gillis’s cock like a
long-lost friend. She remains in charac-
ter, pushing her head deeper into his
crotch. She rubs his balls, and he tugs
her tits, practically pulling the nipples
from their fleshy vault

At long last, Gillis is finally allowed
to cap this production with a spout of se-
men on Ashlyn’s pearly whites. He
thrusts his hips toward her face. She
clenches his ass for balance. The mo-
ment of clarity arrives. Gillis sails a load
across her cheek and gums. After three
months of conflicting schedules and le-
gal tangles, Captain Butts has beached.

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Sana

(continued from page 104)

sity in New York City, crammed to ca-
pacity with dozens of politically correct,
“progressive” types, all of whom sprawl
before a podium upon which one ranting
rag-receptacle after another “opens up”
to share her “harrowing” tale of woe re-
ceived at the hands (and feet and mouths
and ying-yangs and just about every oth-
er organ you could name) of abusive

men! Men! Men! All for the purpose of

“reclaiming” those experiences, for
“turning rage into action,” for “libera-
tion,” for “empowerment.”

For shit! Take Back the Night is a
douche-draining, Kotex-curdling, ovary-
ossifying Ladies’ Social Tea, with sto-
ries of having to sit on ice for a week af-
ter passing out at a frat party taking the
place of garden gossip and talk about the
weather. Every truly unnerving, tear-in-
ducing Take Back the Night tale I can
recall is trivialized by at least ten spas-
ming, hysterical testimonies from poseur
princesses playing “put-upon.”

In typical TBN lack of style, the casu-
alty report from a victim of a father who
visited his sleeping offspring with the
hands-on ethics of Woody Allen is
placed on equal par with the Ms.-reading
Mauamu who convulsively recalls how

some “big, fat football fuck” last
semester “permanently wounded” her
racial pride by coming home drunk and
attempting to remove a Malcolm X
poster from her door.

Shouts of “Rapist!” and “/t's not your
fault!” from the coed chorus are the
same for both. “Hitch your wagon to the
handicapped!” would seem to be the bat-
tle cry for a woman who equates her
strife in being called “Blubberbuns”
with that of a survivor of forced sodomy.

That's why all I feel is hate as I board
the bus back to the peace and quiet of
New York City: hate for the politicians
who are trying to turn back the clock on
women’s rights; hate for the equally nar-
row-minded nincompoops who serve as
those rights” most strident defenders;
hate for those who'd impose their will
on me in the name of God, and hate for
those who'd impose their will in the
name of Marlo Thomas.

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man-made dick on earth and explode
tidal waves of earth-scorching cum to
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pro-this or pro-that.

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ARST! CURIOSITIES <2 ODDITIES

FIRST!
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AN ASTONISHING VIDEO OF THE MOST UNUSUAL SEXUAL
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ABNORMALITIES KNOWN TO MEDICAL SCIENCE.
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P. 0. Box 250033 + Los Angeles, CA 90025
Gentlemen: Please send videos indicated. VHS only. | enciose
a O Check O Money Order
O Ship C.0.D. | encose $5 lo cover postage & handling only,

Canadian orders: Remit in U.S, lunds. No C.0.0.'s

add $4 EXTRA PER ORDER FOR POSTAGE & HANDUNG

O Sexual CURIOSITIES and ODDITIES $29.95
Q A Trip Down Mammary Lane............ woven 19.95
O FREAK SHOW.... $19.95
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| cortly that | am over 18 years od and believe this material i]
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Yes! Please rush the products listed in plain packagi |
Plus my free special mystery gift and hot sex Catalog! |

Method of Payment: $10 MINIMUM for Charge Orders, Please.
_J Check or Bank Money Order List products by code# and price.
(Sorry, No Cash Or COD's)
_] Charge my: 4 VISA J Mastercard i
ACCT, NO. EXP, DATE
1-900-835-D.E.E:P accee
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Gediar bis Stns ADDRESS Mystery Gift # 6658 | -
rder by

800-274-0333 : SEREAES

city STATE zp

$

Order Total

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All calls a hgh 1/2 | dir a billedto =

i be nnectC
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G -900-407-6338) $5 first min
$3 ea. add'l min. 18 or older.

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P.O. Box 900 Dept. HU 381
Carrboro, NC 27510

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New Jersey residents add 7") Sales Tax
Caution: Individuals under medical care should consult a physician before taking products

Ea Ephedrine HCL Tablet .......... 25 mg
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ALSO AVAILABLE DIPHENYDRAMINE
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CAUTION: INDIVIDUALS UNDER MEDICAL CARE SHOULD CONSULT THEIR PHYSICIAN. NO SALES TO MINORS.
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| NAME
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MBH ADV., BOX 1560, STUDIO CITY, CA 91614 * THE ABOVE PHONE NUMBERS CAN BE CALLED BY CELLULAR PHONE IN SOME AREAS.

NOT SOLD

IN .
VIDEO and MAGAZINES! tbe! 8

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so we can send you our unusual video catalog. Bes , a . 25 Volumes

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O VHS QO BETA Add $3 shipping.Rush service $2
ALPIIA SALES _ Dept. 34
ww Box 1426 Studio City, Ca. 91614 x4

#6-
25 Volumes
Only $5

E $ DIST. Dept. 34H ~ BOX 4261 NO.HOLIYWOOD,CA9I617 =<‘ ;CS*C:;<C=<=CSCS*:;«CS
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a £ Sai Every Vous ease Same subjects available. Enclose $2 per
Please circle selections: selection and circle catagories desired, | Name _

10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 | 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 | Address__
Soiled Panties & Kinky Photos $1

Total Volumes: f

Total Purchase: $___ | Total Purchase) $—_____
Shipping Add: $_ 5.00 Shipping Add J)
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City
GATEWAY SALES Dept. 34H

Box 7020 Tarzana, CA 91357 TOTAL $ TOTAL $ State, Zip _ =
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1 ADDRESS

FLASH IN THE HAND

HUSTLER in May gets juices flowing with six lap-happy skin sirens sowing
steam and blowing cream in a pole-wrapping party in pink. Get a greased grip on
a cozy, copulatory couple of kissing misses rubbing four pairs of lips and two pairs
of balloons in a finger-feel test of wet friction; tweak the nipple buttons of a
bullet-breasted bewitcher casting bone-building spells of squack magic; wring in
the nude with a full-figured fascinatrix and a musclebound pussyhound attaining
the fittest physique by locking two able bodies in a proud, public poke; squeeze
into the tight, leather boots of a hard-breaking blond bombshell whose fishnet
stockings catch a whole lot to see; and take the thigh road with a free-wheelin’,
clothes-peelin’, autoerotic tailgater who accelerates the more she pulls over.
HUSTLER in May is a handful and more. Grab on.

SISTER MORPHINE

Heroin addicts in the U.S. number more than 500,000, according to government
statistics, and rising incidents of overdose from the deadly drug indicate smack
may be the fastest-growing recreational drug of the ‘90s. Methadone—the
synthetic narcotic developed in World War II by Nazi scientists faced with a
morphine shortage—has long been condoned by American drug officials as a
means of curtailing a junkie’s soul-killing craving, and government-supported
methadone clinics claim to lessen the spread of AIDS by injection among the
junk-using community. Underneath the optimism and millions of tax dollars
supporting methadone clinics in America, however, lurks a more powerful
addiction to methadone itself. HUSTLER Associate Editor Scott Schalin
uncovers the lies behind the methadone cure in Bum Rush, a sordid account of
methadone-treatment patients who see the government-funded synthetic
painkiller as a means of ending an addiction to smack, but find themselves
enslaved to a more brutal dependence whose debilitating withdrawal makes
coming off the hard stuff look easy.

STRIP TRIP

Rock-star wanna-bes have always known the quickest way to a blowjob is a
headlining gig. Sleaze-scenester Chick Leonard prowls L.A.’s Sunset Strip for a
hard look at the legions of aural-erotic girls who put out for the boys in the bands.
Groupie Therapy is a titillating tour of the feminine masters of offstage jizztrionics
and the musicians lucky enough to pass muster. Small-time and garage-time
headbangers, take notice: These starfuckers go for almost anything that glitters,

SOME CALL IT FOREPLAY

Sex addiction is a hard habit to break, but happy endings can be horny too, reports
writer Rene Denfeld in “Sex Fiends Anonymous,” HUSTLER’s Sex Play for May;
Hot Letters steams open the best kinds of serewed-up relationships; Beaver Hunt
calls forth the ballsiest beauties in the land of the brave; and Bits © Pieces aims
below the belt and hits pay dirt: HUSTLER in May is a sure bet to play. Take it
hard—it goes in easy.

SIBLS

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May HUSTLER on sale March 16, 19393

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Must Be 18 © $3.99 Min

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