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DECEMBER 1994 « $5.99 
FOR THE REST OF THE WORLD 


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Volume 21 Number 6 


Bits & Pieces 
Win a Degree in Celebrity Gynecology 
Edited by Scott Schalin 


A Personal 
Statement to 
Richard Gere and 
Cindy Crawford 

A Toothy Retort by Bucky Beaver 


Feedback 
Debating the Color of Honey 


A HUSTLER 
Editor in Hell 
A Frightening, Flaming Photo-Fantasy 


Ho’ Sephine— 
Piumber/Prostitute 
Comic-Book Carnality With 

a Liquid Plumber 


Sperm—it Does a 
Body Good 

A Message from HUSTLER's 

Dairy Council 


Erotic 
Entertainment 

Say Goodbye to Superstar Savannah 
Edited by Mike McPadden 


Ad Parody 
The Length HUSTLER Readers Will Go 
for Pleasure 


Hot Letters 
A Sailor Gets All Hands on Dick 


Odd Couplings 
HUSTLER Mixtures of Madness 

and Mayhem 

Combination Illustrations by John Howard 


Suicide Is for 
Losers 
A HUSTLER Public-Service Message 


Sex Piay 

Porn Tapes Make Great Lays: 
The Mounting Success of 
Hard-Core-Video Sex Therapy 
by Don Vaughan 


Magazine Parody 
E’squeer 


53 
04 
56 


60 
70 


78 


82 


94 


104 


106 


December 1994 


Movie Parody 
The Little Assholes 


Ad Parody 
Assure Pussy Deodorant 


House of Splooge 
Inside Porn Queen Alicia Rio's 
Rent-Share Lair 

Report by Michael Albuquerque 


Lana: Pretty Poser 
Photography by Matti Klatt 


Sheena: 
Heavy Ma’am 
Photography by Clive McLean 


Stink Cave and 
Other Concerns 

The Comeback of Cutting-Edge Comedy 
Report by Chick Leonard 


Sara, Blondie 
and Dave: 
Stir Crazy 
Photography by Clive McLean 


Brandy: 
Sticking Out 
Centerfold Photography by James Baes 


HUSTLER Humor 
Edited by Mike McPadden 
and Jeanne Diamond 


Sweet Poison 
The Harmful Drug Called NutraSweet 
Report by Alex Constantine 


2 Chasey and Noelle: 


Powder Burn 
Photography by Matti Klatt 


os «4 
rai 7 
Peeeres 


Beaver 


Pussy's Always Pinker on Our Side 
of the Fence 


RUST. 


LARRY FLYNT 


editor and publisher 


JIM KOHLS 


president 


DONNA HAHNER 


corporate vice-president 


ALLAN MacDONELL 


executive editor 


W. T. NELSON 


art director 


LISA JENIO, TIM POWER, 
SCOTT SCHALIN 


associate editors 


MIKE McPADDEN 


entertainment editor 


JEANNE DIAMOND 


humor and cartoon editor 


JENNIFER WOLFE 


research director 
KIM TURNER, copy chief 


VICTORIA MAAT, copy editor 
KRISTIN CONRAD, editorial assistant 


COMPUTER GRAPHICS 
JOHN THOMPSON, ANDREA LANDRUM 
network systems managers 
BOBBIE KAMINSKI 
network systems operator 
PHOTOGRAPHY 
ELIZABETH BERRIOS, talent coordinator 
JAMES BAES, MATTI KLATT 
CLIVE McLEAN, LAD! VON JANSKY, 
photographers 


KENNETH DeMARTINES, production designer 
STEPHANIE DeGHUEE, photo administrator 
TTA SMITH, studio director 
BORIS SOLORZANO, studio coordinator 


PRODUCTION 
CYNTHIA PATTERSON, production manager 
JOHN A. MOZZER, production coordinator 
MICHELLE JEWORSKI, production assistant 


ADVERTISING 
ALLEN MAINE, national advertising director 
(310) 858-715 
MAGGIE CHUN, advertising production 
TODD CROSS, advertising production 


SUBSCRIPTIONS 
TRISH HAMM, subscription director 


Toll-Free Credit 

i card 
Subscriber Me in = | 4 orders THOMAS CANDY, vice-president, finance 
Service Number only J , vice-president: 6ales 


PERRY GRAYSON, vice-president, advertising 


bscriber copies mailed in unmarked, sealed envelopes! 


HUSTLER (ISSN-0149-4635), Vol. 21, No. 6, December 1994. The U.S. edition of 
HUSTLER is p ed monthly with one ex a month in Augus' 
by HG Publications Inc. at 9171 Wilshire Bou 4 00, Beverly Hil 


Send a special 6-issue introductory subscription to bie ream hae 


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M b H ti . Gift: c HUSTLER’ v t and ’ editorially. Any 
y subscription: ift: . i the foto sections fs nag 
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ee C Neither sai or 
Name Name ny s be them are meant to depict models’ actual 
onalities 
Address Address SUBSCRIPTION INFORMATION: For « all (800) 220-0314 
U.S. subs $ for one year (1 ign subscription 
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Payment Enclosed ChargeMy (VISA | MC represent HUSTLER ! ‘ by neta salt 
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Foreign add $10. All magaz arked, sealed 
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HUSTLER, P.O. Box 474, Mt. Morris, IL 61054 


hes shipper 


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ASSHOLE 


OF THE MONTH 


God is a funny guy. He's given us so 
much to be grateful for: boobs, 
internal-combustion engines, flush 
toilets, a limitless universe full of 
wonder and possibility. But then, 
just to be perverse, the Almighty 
goes around filling the world with 
pus-oozing sphincters, such as Paul 
Jennings Hill, HUSTLER Magazine's 
godawful Asshole of the Month for 
December 1994. 

Not only does God, practical joker 
that He is, create a shit-package 
such as Paul Hill, but He'll speak 
directly to that turd in a voice the 
rest of us cannot hear, instructing 
the plop of animated feces to take a 
course of action beyond the pale of 
accepted human behavior. Under the 
influence of divine inspiration, a 
dung ball such as Paul Hill might 
fuck his own mother, rape a seven- 
year-old child, betray his country, 
slaughter every man, woman and 
child in his family, kick a dog. Or 
maybe the enlightened piece of crap 
will shoot and kill an on-the-skids, 
pill-pusher doctor whose practice 
has deteriorated to where the M.D. 
is whacking out assembly-line abor- 
tions at 50 bucks a slop. 

Dr. John Bayard Britton, 69 years 
old, was no hero. During an event- 
ful, unacclaimed medical career, 
Britton was disciplined for improper 
prescription of painkillers and for 
screwing a junior hospital staffer. 
Neither of these activities warrants 
a shotgun blast to the face. 

Jim Barrett, a 74-year-old retired 
Air Force lieutenant colonel and 
member of the Unitarian Church, 
was even less deserving of a brain- 
pan full of buckshot, which was 


Barrett's reward for volunteering to 
escort Dr. Britton to the Ladies 
Center, a Pensacola, Florida, health 
clinic where abortions are per- 
formed. Every Friday, Dr. Britton 
traveled 300 miles to perform those 
abortions. 

The Ladies Center was just one 
stop on Dr. Britton’s route, an abor- 
tion circuit he had inherited from 
Dr. David Gunn, a fetus-scraper 
who was shot to death at a differ- 
ent Pensacola, Florida, women’s 
clinic in March 1993. 

Paul J. Hill, 40 years old, is an 
excommunicated, former minister 
for the Presbyterian Church in 
America. Hill’s most distinguishing 
physical characteristic is an insane, 
mirthless smile. This disturbingly 


smug and psychotic grin, common 
among morally deluded fanatics, is 
never far from Hill's face. The eerie, 
inhuman smirk beams out from all 
of Hill's recent photographs, espe- 
cially the shot of Hill in handcuffs, 
simpering satanically, on his way to 
being booked for the murders of Dr. 
Britton and Jim Barrett. 

Britton and Barrett were snuffed 
out as they sat in a pickup truck in 
the Ladies Center parking lot. The 
two men knew Paul Hill well. 

Hill had attained a sort of fringe 
freak celebrity by presenting him- 
self as director of Defensive Action, 
an antiabortion group he founded 
after the killing of Dr. David Gunn. 
Although the membership of 
Defensive Action seems to be con- 


fined to Paul Hill alone, the organi- 
zation did give Hill the required 
credentials to appear on such high- 
minded TV shows as Donahue, 
Nightline and Sonya Live. The fer- 
vent right-to-lifer used his media 
exposure to champion the cause of 
killing abortion doctors as justifi- 
able homicide. 

When not on the airwaves de- 
fending murder as “a fulfillment of 
the commandment of Christ,” Hill 
was lurking around the Pensacola 
region's abortion clinics. Known for 
openly advocating violence as a 
divinely sanctioned means of stop- 
ping abortions, always busy Hill 
prepared and circulated a petition 
that described the murder of Dr. 
Gunn as “justifiable.” Often wafting 
a sign that read: “Abortionists Are 
Murderers. Murderers Should Be 
Executed,” Hill would crane his 
neck toward a clinic's window and 
screech: “Mommy, don't kill me!” 

“| thought | would... let you 
know how the Lord has been lead- 
ing me,” began a recent Hill fund- 
raising letter. The Lord subsequently 
led Hill, the Mississippi Right to 
Life’s Friend of the Year back in 
1986, to a crossroads where he is 
almost certain to be convicted of 
employing a 12-gauge to end the 
lives of two human beings. 

Antiabortion zealots condemned 
the crimes Hill is charged with as 
“murder, a sin.” Pro-choice activists 
decry Hill's actions as terrorism. 

Murderer or terrorist, Paul Hill 
has injected fear and lunacy into a 
charged, heated controversy that 
needs intelligent, compassionate 
discourse, not Assholes. 


HUSTLER DECEMBER 


bits & pieces 


How a Bill 
Becomes 
Withdrawn 


The Clintons need cash! Having 
endured the legal fees neces- 
sary to battle the Whitewater 
real-estate scandal and repair 
Bill’s image, damaged by sexual 
allegations from Gennifer 
Flowers and Paula Jones, the 
First Family is at the brink of 
bankruptcy. What will they do? 
HUSTLER, the nation’s fore- 
most head of state, has a solu- 
tion. We’ve created a souvenir 
T-shirt the President can sell to 
all the girls he’s loved before. 
Sales volume from past para- 
mours alone should put Bill and 
Hill back on their financial feet. 
These pullovers can be worn 
frontway or backward, as the 
sexual circumstances dictate— 
and the more Americans the 
President screws, the more 
shirts he’s eligible to sell! 


PARODY. NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. PRESIDENTIAL HEAD PASTED ONTO OUR MODEL'S BODY. THESE SHIRTS 


Before Mean Streets and Bad Lieutenant, brooding 
actor Harvey Keitel starred in a little-known film 
called Who’s That Knocking on My Balls? Actually, 
that’s a lie. In truth, this Keitel lookalike submits to a 
painful blue-ball precursor to ’nad boxes and cock 
rings. Thanks and $150 go to T. Cretton for sending in 
this shot. Squeeze a little cash out of Larry Flynt by 
sending your classic carnal photos to HUSTLER’s Porn 
From the Past, 9171 Wilshire Boulevard, Suite 300, 
Beverly Hills, CA 90210. Include a self-addressed, 
stamped envelope if you want the material returned. 


6 DECEMBER HUSTLER 


NEITHER FXIST NOR ARF ENNORSEN RY O1IR NAT-SOAWING COMMANNER_IN_CHicc 


Give France some credit. 
The country that suppos- 
edly invented weird love 
keeps tweaking its great- 
est creation all the time. 
Démonia, a French-twisted 
digest, establishes the land 
of de Sade once again as a 
leading exporter of bizarre 
sexual behavior. From 
piercings to wax drippings 
to graphic scenes of domi- 
nation and submission, the 
photos in this fascinating 
guide speak a lurid lan- 
guage fetish fans will love. 


Write to: 
La Boutique Demonia 
10, cité Joly 
75011 Paris, France 
Métro: Pére-Lachaise. 


onta 


VIDEOS RARES ET SPECIALES 
LIVRES, REVUES, BO 
ACCESSOIRES ET GADGETS 
BOUT INTUMES 
LATEX ET CUIR HARDS 


Le CATALOGUE Dem 


bits & pieces 


What does Supreme 
Court Justice Clarence 
Thomas do when he’s re- 
fusing to write opinions 
on our nation’s most con- 
troversial issues? He’s 
acting as Justice of the 


Peace for fat-assed and 
flatulent radio host Rush 
Limbaugh and his soon- 
to-be-squashed new wife, 
Marta Fitzgerald. One of 
our nation’s highest love- 
and law-makers, it’s only 


natural that Thomas 
has turned his Virginia 
home into a matrimo- 
nial palace. Want to 
shred old marriage li- 
censes? No problem. The 
Love Judge will even 


provide a honeymoon 
suite complete with 
mood-enhancing videos 
and refreshing cans of 
Coca-Cola. Let Thomas 
be your guide for an af- 
fair to remember. 


HUSTLER DECEMBER 


PARODY. NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. CELEBRITY HEADS PASTED ONTO OUR MODELS’ BODIES. 


| What’s Better Than Money? @.\ 


bits & pieces 


Contest 


The best things in life are 
free, states one old proverb. 
There’s no such thing as a 
free blowjob, goes another. 

A blowjob, for sure, is one 
of the best things in life. 
But at what price? Maybe 
you think lip-to-loin action 
culled from a date, girl- 
friend or wife comes “free.” 
Think again. Even if a mook 
bypasses the expensive rit- 
ual of dinner and drinks, 
the mind-numbing female 
chatter he must endure is 
certainly as costly, in its 
own way, as simply shelling 
out for a professional prick- 
licking. 

So is a blowjob better 
than money? Money can buy 
a blowjob. True, money can’t 
buy everything, but all 
things good in this life seem 
to depend upon a solid fi- 
nancial foundation. 

HUSTLER challenges its 
readers to name a commod- 
ity that’s worth more than 
cold, hard cash. The obvious 
prospects have already been 
rejected. 


YOUR HEALTH 
“There ain’t no happiness without your health,” boast 
rich, old hard-ons with their support teams of highly 
paid medical specialists. Unfortunately, there ain’t 
no lasting health without a radical transplant of the 
| patient’s cash into a trained professional’s pocket. 
Don’t get sick if you don’t get rich first. 


YOUR TRUE LOVE 

Love is a many-splendored thing: Picking up the check is 
the first of its splendors; alimony is the last. In between 
lie a lifetime’s worth of wallet-sapping expenditures. 
How splendid. 

YOUR FAMILY 

Blood is thicker than water, but it will dissolve in even 
a mild cash flow. The family won’t be happy if Daddy’s 
trying to support brats and spouse on a poverty-level 
income. Family values? Watch what happens when kin 


squabble over a substantial inheritance. 


YOUR FRIENDS 

No great friendship has ever been built upon the fol- 
lowing inquiry: “Say, buddy, could you lend me a couple 
of bucks until payday?” Many have ended that way. 


YOUR THINGS 

Nothing lasts forever. Luxury cars collapse into junk- 
heap Yugos; gourmet meals putrefy just like canned 
cheese-products. Owning a home entails property taxes 
and endless repairs, and even the most glamorous trophy 
wife withers into a hag. Money, if it’s handled right, ac- 
crues more of itself. 


YOUR MAGAZINE 

Great reading has its price, and HUSTLER’s is more 
than reasonable. Hardy fools might consider purloining a 
copy of America’s premier publication. Let this be a 
warning: Larry Flynt personally tracks down every 
HUSTLER shoplifter and prosecutes them to the fullest 
extent of his law. It’s not worth it. Trust us. 


Send suggestions to What's Better Than Money? c/o HUSTLER Magazine, 9171 Wilshire Boulevard, Suite 300, Beverly Hills, CA 90210. 
Shell out 29¢ for a stamp first. 
The winning entry will be printed in an upcoming edition of HUSTLER and paid an amount of money. But, quite frankly, there probably 
won't be a winning entry. After all, what is better than money? 


DECEMBER HUSTLER 


bits & pieces 


Celebrity Gynecologist 


Want to be up to the elbows in to- 
day’s tightest stars? There are two 
ways to step up to the stirrups: 
Complete seven years of medical 
school plus another four years in 
gynecological residency, or cut out 
the heads of these sexy gals and 
place them atop the patient’s body. 
It’s fun, it’s educational, and it’s 
another way HUSTLER makes 
dreams come true. 


Which of 
these known 
gynecological 

patients is your 
favorite stirrup 
fantasy? 


fig. «a Drew Barrymore 
fig. 6 Julia Roberts 
fig. c Gabrielle Anwar 


SHE HAD NO RIGHT TO BE THAT CLOSE TO HIS BUTT 


A SIMPLE GAL LOOKED 24 BUT SHE’D BEEN 
BURNED BEFORE 


FINDING A GOOD MAN MEANT CUTTING THROUGH THE SHIT 
AND LOOKING INSIDE 


AND SHE WAS DAMN GOOD 


THAT FAT FUCKING FAG KNEW IT, 
THAT’S WHY HE BENT OVER 


BLOWHEMIA 
What a 

great 

beer 

fart 

sounds like. 


AD PARODY. NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. HAD THIS BEEN A REAL BEER AD, IT WOULD'VE MADE EVEN LESS SENSE. 


HUSTLER DECEMBER 


bits & pieces 


HUSTLER’s Goodwill Game a 


The History 

Kim Jong II is an ear-scratching 
enigma. Heir apparent to the 
North Korean presidency, Jong I] 
has been known to amuse himself 
by ordering subordinates to shave 
their heads and strip naked. In ad- 
dition, the eldest son of deceased 
longtime leader Kim I] Sung re- 
portedly stages frequent orgies, 
watches public executions with 
“frenzied joy” and is an ardent fan 
of Daffy Duck cartoons. Judging by 
his gaping gut, young Kim sits up 
and begs often for a certain Korean 
culinary delicacy. Is Jong Il’s bark 
worse than his bite? The free world 
may never know what evil lurks 
within North Korea’s nuclear reac- 
tors, but HUSTLER can guess 
what’s in this worthy Oriental gen- 
| tleman’s wok; thus, we’ve created 
| a contest to get readers more in- 
volved with North Korean politics 
and practices. 


The Rules 

rep Simply look at this photo and the artist’s rendering of Kim Jong I] and esti- 
mate how many dogs the Pyongyang potentate has digested in his lifetime. 

te Estimate consumption of canines only. Ingested snakes, squirrels, field mice 
and body vermin should not be included in the final tally. 

nes Full-grown dogs and newborn puppies each count as one (1) dog only. 

y' Pregnant bitches count as one (1) dog. 

teh Shih Tzus count as one half (1/2) dog, since that breed is considered finger 

food in most Asian cultures. 


Some Hints 
ret Cooked cabbage, another North Korean savory, resembles a Welsh corgi 
when digested. 
te Kim Jong II is 52 years old. 
re He stands five feet, six inches tall, but weighs a whopping 189 pounds. 
bi His expanded belly capacity is 350 pounds solid or 0.25 liquid tons. x, 
| 


rie eo a ne ee emer & 
| Fill out this coupon and send it, along with your name and a return address, to North Korean 
| Leader Dog-Eater Contest, 9171 Wilshire Boulevard, Suite 300, Beverly Hills, CA 90210. The 


| winning reader receives a one-day supply of liver-and-cheese-flavored Alpo. Good luck. 


I think Kim Jong II has eaten dogs 
in his lifetime. 
(Tiebreaker) Jong II’s favorite-flavored breed is 


10 DECEMBER HUSTLER 


PARODY. NOT TO BE TAXEN SERIOUSLY. ODDBALL COMMIE RULER’S HEAD PASTED ONTO OUR MODEL'S BODY. THE ASSUMPTION THAT ASIAN PEDPLE CONSUME CANINES IS PURELY INFORMED HEARSAY. IN ADDITION, NO DOGS OR NORTH KOREANS WERE INJURED IN THE PHOTOGRAPHING OF THIS SCENE. 


pe 


e ainte-Save nearly 


Subs cri 
f the cover price. 


520 of 


a 


Toll-Free Subscriber Service Number: 


“a “Ol 0-220) : yl 


Credit card orders only. Or mail payment to 


HUSTLER, P.O. Box 474, Me seis - deca’ 


MONEY BACK ON UNUSED PORTIONS a euaneoin toes IF age! weollag beat All magazines s! ed aled envelopes. Foreign add $10. You must be 18 years of a 
scr $39.95. YOUR F IRST SSUE | WILL ARRIVE IN 6 TO 8 WEEKS 


T OFFER EXPIRE 3 JANUARY < 27, 199 


it nee i Seah ad enve 5 ja, 


~~ “Suibsoriber copies mall ! 


labeling 
ding to reports 
ae marriage a double-bearin" 
icity stunt, ‘80s mo ; 
ane and MTV masco 


May 6, 
Times. 
responds 


4 
to their plea 


A Personal Statement 
Richard Gere and Cindy Crawford 


Fuck you. You buy up valuable space meant for real news to announce that 
you are not faggots, do not plan to get a divorce and will not stop your lucrative 
participation in some of the most insipid entertainment ever foisted upon a 
gullible and chronically disappointed public. No one gives a shit about you. 


You promise your “friends and fans” that you will continue to support “diffi- 
cult” (your quotes, not ours) causes such as AIDS and leukemia research, human 
rights and ecology. How brave! If you self-aggrandizing assholes have such balls, 
why not back a truly difficult, potentially career-threatening cause that really mat- 
ters, such as the Save the Gerbils Foundation? 


You demand your right to privacy when you’ve devoted your lives to getting 
your big fat faces on as many magazine covers and in as many shitty movies as 


possible instead of, say, working as missionaries in Tibet. 


HUSTLER agrees with you egomaniacs on one point: Thoughts and words are 
powerful; so fuck you again. 


Sincerely, 


Bucky Beaver 


Road to Nirvana 
On behalf of everyone who still loves and 
respects Kurt Cobain (“The Life and Death 
of a HUSTLER Parody,” Bits & Pieces, 
August ’94): Fuck off and die! P. S. Take 
your “staunchly heterosexual” magazine 
and shove it up your ass! —C.R. 
Mansfield, Ohio 


Back to the Source 

Have you ever considered that it was 
probably women who were behind the 
shooting that put HUSTLER Editor and 
Publisher Larry Flynt in a wheelchair? 
Think about it. The fact that alone 
among men’s magazines HUSTLER has 
presented women in a truthful and real- 
istic way has caused much hate to come 
from women. HUSTLER shows men- 
strual blood in photos and cartoons, 
which is unknown in other men’s maga- 
zines. Menstruation is the principle 
problem and fear among women. To put 


it into the open makes for a large loss of 


“business” for women. That can make 
them dangerous! 

Remember: Women try to hide their 
defecation, urination and hairiness! 
Women over 30 years of age are smiling 
at you with false teeth! Women change 
their bodily appearance by cosmetic 
surgery! Hell hath no fury like a woman 
revealed! —G. J. W. 

Chicago, Illinois 


White House Outhouse 
I’ve been a HUSTLER subscriber for a 
long time, but this is the first time I’ve 
felt compelled to write Feedback. In 
HUSTLER’s October 1994 issue, Paula 
Jones is named Asshole of the Month 
(“Asshole of the Month,” Bits & Pieces, 
October ’94) and rightfully so. However, 
the article contains a serious inaccuracy 
that needs to be addressed. The ninth 
paragraph of the article makes the fol- 
lowing statement about President 
William Jefferson Clinton: “Savvy and 
slick Willie wouldn’t switch to wiping 
his ass left-handed without consulting 
opinion polls.” 

Everyone knows that Bill “Willie” Clin- 
ton is a southpaw. Therefore, he already 


HUSTLER DECEMBER 


wipes his ass with his left hand. In the fu- 
ture, if you’re going to talk about “Willie,” 
try to get politically correct! —J.H. 

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania 


HUSTLER respectfully suggests, J. H., 
that President Clinton has yet to use his 
left hand to wipe his ass. Liberal Democ- 
rats kiss his bung clean! 


He Noticed! 

The pictures published in HUSTLER 
Magazine are very graphic, immoral and 
abnormal to look at. People do not want 


Draghixa: Fur on the Fly 


er 


- tA 


to see stuff like that. It's disgraceful to 
show stuff like that in magazines. That 
stuff is damaging for anyone to look at. 
Adults too. It makes the mind mentally 
disturbed to see that stuff! I'm a con- 
cerned citizen. I care about what goes on 
in the world. It’s up to you. —M. A. 

Oakland, California 


Like all HUSTLER readers, M. A., 
you've got stuff on your mind. Contact 
our subscription department, 9171 
Wilshire Boulevard, Suite 300, Beverly 
Hills, CA 90210, to receive HUSTLER 
stuff regularly! 


Funny Stuff 
I am an avid reader of the most excellent 
publication, HUSTLER Magazine. I am 
currently reading HUSTLER’s Septem- 
ber 1994 issue. The parody of Ike Turner 
has me laughing every time I read it (“Ike 
Turner’s Comedy Jam,” Bits & Pieces, 
September *94). Among the cartoonists, 
Mr. George Trosley has the best artwork 
and funniest captions I’ve ever read. 
Thanks for the laughs. —J.E.M. 
U.S. Army 
Friedberg, Germany 


it’s All Coincidental 
I give HUSTLER’s writing staff less than 
“one-quarter erect.” I’m damn sick and 
tired of the racial overtones in HUSTLER 
Magazine. I’m a brown American, not an 
African-American. The amount of African 
in black people in America is so minute 
(continued on page 17) 


13 


here are times in every HUSTLER staff member’s life— 

usually between selecting the Beaver Hunt girls and 
choosing: the Asshole of the Month—when he or she ponders 
the meaning of existence. Where do we go when we die? And 
what awaits us when we get there? Heaven could certainly 
not eclipse the earthly pleasure of working for America’s 
Magazine, but hell, on the other hand, holds an unknown and 
alarming: set of possibilities. Flaming red leisure suits? John 
Lennon unplugged? John Candy movie marathons! We closed 
our eyes and opened our minds to the worst of all possible 
worlds, imagining the horrors that await... 


ell 


YOU’RE TRAPPED IN THE BODY OF A BLACK FAG. 

RON JEREMY’S YOUR FATHER. 

TIPPER GORE’S YOUR MOM. 

AL GOLDSTEIN’S YOUR BOSS. 

SAVANNAH WON’T RETURN YOUR PHONE CALLS. 

MADONNA WILL. 

O. J. SIMPSON IS ON EVERY TV CHANNEL. 

THE RADIO ONLY PLAYS RUSH LIMBAUGH AND BECK. 
) THERE ARE TWO CHOICES FOR FOOD: EXTRA-HARD 

TOFU OR SWEET DILL PICKLES. 

BEER CAPS WON’T TWIST OFF, AND THE OPENER IS 

ALWAYS JUST OUT OF REACH. 

PLAYBOY IS THE ONLY MAGAZINE AVAILABLE. 

ALL THE HOT CHICKS HAVE DICKS. 

YOUR HANDS ARE TOO HOT TO JERK OFF. 

SOMETHING’S EATING YOUR INTESTINES. 

AND YOUR LA-Z-BOY WON’T RECLINE. 


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FEEDBACK 


(continued from page 13) 


that if we went to Africa, they wouldn't 
even recognize us! 

I work in a record store, and we carry 
every sort of magazine imaginable. I first 
noticed HUSTLER’s tasteless shit when 
it printed the article about Elijah Muham- 
mad (Armageddon in the House: Rap Mu- 
sic Heralds the New Master Race, 
February 94). As for your September 
1994 issue, it’s more of the same redneck 
bullshit. I mean, page 9 about Ike (“Ike 
Turner’s Comedy Jam,” Bits & Pieces, 
September °94); page 35 about Sean 
Michaels (“Adventures of Buck Naked,” 
Erotic Entertainment, September °94)— 
come on, what kind of shit is the “naked 
Negro” reference? Nobody’s used that 
word since the damn Civil War, Page 
51—why did you use a black woman for 
that Sex Play illustration (“Through the 
Nose: the Allure of Women Who Stink,” 
Sex Play, September °94)? You belittle 
our women, but you would stick your 
white meat in them in a heartbeat. And 
the most tasteless, stereotypical, redneck, 
prejudiced, ignorant of all the pictures is 
page 69: the Dwaine Tinsely cartoon of a 
Ku Klux Klan member being inspired to 
smile by a photographer holding up a toy 
of a lynched black man. You people are 
fucked-up to be printing shit like that. But 
I'll tell you this: HUSTLER’s articles 
have inspired me to fuck every white slut 
I see. Every time I squirt my spunk in 
their pretty, little, blue eyes, Pll think of 
HUSTLER Magazine. Thanks for all the 
inspiration. _—Addicted to Blond Pussy 

Las Vegas, Nevada 


On the Pot 
Regarding HUSTLER’s article, Prescrip- 
tion High, on the legalization of mari- 
juana for medical reasons (Prescription 
High: The Case for Medical Marijuana, 
September °94): I think Cannabis sativa 
should be legalized for several reasons. If 
these fucked-up, greedy politicians ac- 
quired AIDS, I bet they would legalize 
marijuana in a minute if they thought it 
would help them regain a healthy ap- 
petite! I know Bill Clinton is stroking 
Willy right now over HUSTLER’s Sep- 
tember Honey, Draghixa (Draghixa: Fur 
on the Fly, September °94), I have one 
message for him: Legalize hemp for 
world peace. —Burning a Fat One 
Gainesville, Florida 


In Memorium 


I am writing regarding the recent, tragic 
suicide of adult-film actress, Savannah. It 


HUSTLER DECEMBER 


really hurt me emotionally that she took 
her own life. 

As a loyal HUSTLER reader, I would 
like HUSTLER to print something edito- 
rial in nature regarding Savannah. Adult- 
film stars who blow themselves away do 
not leave this world easy. | broke down 
when I heard about it. I could not believe 
it. I still can’t. Savannah left a lasting im- 
pression. I care. 

It’s a damn shame that some female X- 
rated-movie stars suffer from “low self- 
esteem.” To me, all female adult-movie 
stars are like models—just as much as 
supermodels like Cindy Crawford. 
Women are not just “meat” to be fucked. 
That beautiful person that once graced 
HUSTLER Magazine is gone. Savannah 
was a unique person. I wish I had met 
her. | think it is high time to cherish that 
pampered commodity, beautiful women. 
Savannah is a great loss. I'll never, ever 
forget her. —J, M. 

San Jose, California 


Sweet Nothings 

Last year I bought my first issue of 
HUSTLER, and I haven’t stopped buy- 
ing it since. HUSTLER Magazine is the 
best—not only the best adult magazine, 
but the best place to read news that other 
magazines are too spineless to cover, 


like Ministry’s Al Jourgensen’s review 
of men’s magazines (An Unbiased Con- 
sumer’s Guide to Men's Magazines, 
March °94) and Rogues’ Galleria 
(Rogues’ Galleria: Street Crime Sets Up 
Shop in America's Malls, June °94). Ass- 
hole of the Month is a laugh, like the 
whining Tonya Harding (“Asshole of the 
Month,” Bits & Pieces, July °94). And 
Erotic Entertainment's video reviews are 
excellent. I only wish we readers could 
order the videos when you rate them. 
Maybe give a number to call and order. 
If you would, I promise to order! 

Well, enough of the bullshit! You all 
know why I buy HUSTLER Magazine— 
the wicked layouts of those dick-harden- 
ing women! And I must say that June 
1994 was the best so far, and to top it off, 
that was the month of my birthday! Usu- 
ally, only one layout really gets my atten- 
tion. But this ttme—bam! Daron (Daron: 
Lip Smackin’, June *94)...ouch! She got 
me going in the right direction, and right 
after that, Gabrielle (Gabrielle: Access to 
Excess, June *94)! Fire in the hull! My 
heart almost stopped beating. I feel sorry 
for anyone who died when he saw those 
two. I guess I shouldn’t, since I know he 
died happy! —P. K. 

Dollard-Des-Ormeaux, Canada 
(continued on page 25) 


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REMEMBER WHEN WONDER WOMAN AND CATWOMAN WERE COMIC-BOOK BABES TO ADMIRE7 
W&LL, IT’S A NEW AGE, AND THE KIDS TODAY NEED AN UPDATED SUPERHEROINE TO LOOK 
UP TO; A CARTOON CUTIE WHO USES HER BRAING, BOOBS AND BRAWN TO PROVE 
THAT LOVE AND ADJUSTABLE PIPE WRENCHES CONQUER ALL. 


SATURDAY, 3:35 P.M, IN 
THE HEART OF PRICK 
CITY, HO’ SEPHINE’S 
PIMP/CONTRACTOR, 
MUFSTAFA “THE SPIGOT”’ 
MALLOY DRIVES HIS 
DAME TO THE DAY'S 
FIRST TRICK, 


LISTEN, MONKEY WRENCH, 
EITHER BUY ME A PROPER DOUCHE 
OR SHUT THE FUCK UIP. 

A CLEAN CUNT IS A HAPPY CUNT. 


ONE CLOG 
TO GO. 


EASY ON THE DEEP 
THRUSTS, HONEY, MY CERVIX 
AIN’T WHAT IT USED 
TO Be! 


Lp YO, HO’! DON’T BE LEAVIN’ 
NO GI-GI GOO ON MY BLICKETS NOW, OR 
I'LL PLAY LIKE IKE TURNER ON YO ASS 
WITH A QUARTER-INCH 


FAUCET GAPPER! 


LATER THAT DAY, THE HO’S ON CALL, 


| THINK 
I'VE FOUND THE REASON 
FOR YOUR BLOCKAGE, 
MR. ANALBERRY. 


OH, THERE’S 
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CLOG DOWN... 


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YOURSELF A 
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FOR NOTHING 
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WHAT GOOD ARE YOU7 
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WHO ARE You! 


=“ 


AS FOR YOU- 
HOW CAN YOU EVER 
ROOT OUT THE BLOCKAGE IF 
YOU CAN'T EVEN FIND THE 


MY WEDDING 
RING! 


THANKS, 
HO’ SEPHINE. 
YOU SAVED OUR 
MARRIAGE! 


Body Good. 


A Pubic Service Message From HUSTLER’s Dairy Counc: 


(continued from page 17) 


I’ve been a faithful and ardent follower 
of HUSTLER Magazine for as long as I 
can remember. Even as a young man, be- 
fore I ever knew what a pussy was good 
for, | can remember looking through 
HUSTLER Magazine and popping a big 
woody! As I read HUSTLER’s 20th- 
Anniversary issue and saw the Historic 
HUSTLER feature (Historic HUSTLER: 
A Broad Overview of 1974 to 1994, July 
94), I recognized the first issue I ever 
saw: the one with the “knotted lady” in it 
(October ’79). 

Anyway, the real reason I’m writing 
is to show my deep appreciation for 
HUSTLER Magazine’s latest publica- 
tion. I have never in all the years of 
reading HUSTLER seen a more beauti- 
ful model than September’s Bo (Bo: 
Thumb Stuck, September °94). Please 
show more of Bo! She has the eyes and, 
yes, eyelashes that can stop a 300-pound 
man in his tracks and turn him into a 
pile of blubbering mush! In closing, I 
must say, “Bravo, Bo!” —R. B.C. 

Richmond, Virginia 


I felt compelled to write to commend you 
on a couple of pictorials featuring Italian 
babes. Bianca (Bianca: Sheet Music, 
June °94) and Cadence (Cadence: 
Roamin’ Holiday, August ’94) are truly 
in a class of their own. It is rare to see 
such beautiful foreign women in any skin 
mag, and it is much appreciated. Many a 
night I’ve yanked my love rod to Bianca, 
and now it will be pulled to the shots of 
Cadence or even both. Keep up the good 
work. We Canadians love HUSTLER 
Magazine! —G. W. 

Edmonton, Alberta, Canada 


I think HUSTLER Magazine is great, but 
I do have one suggestion: Instead of all 
the silicone-titted women HUSTLER al- 
ways has gracing its pages, why not try 
gracing your pages with some Kate 
Moss types once in a while? After all, 
they are all woman, even the ones with 
no artificial additives such as silicone. 
Outside of that, I think HUSTLER’s the 
greatest. —D.B. 

Dallas, North Carolina 


I am writing to you from Bosnia, where 
I’m serving my second tour as a peace- 
keeper, and I’m writing on behalf of all 
the single guys in my platoon. In re- 
sponse to “Real Woman” in Feedback 
(“Real Woman,” Feedback, July ’94), 


HUSTLER DECEMBER 


the women who wrote this letter, who 
signed themselves “sisters in love,” ob- 
viously need some good Canadian lov- 
ing. We Canadian grunts stake our 
reputations on not only being good sol- 
diers but better lovers. When you’re 
away from pussy as often as we are, you 
learn the art of “romance.” 

Lots of licking, biting and caressing are 
very important to women. Too many men 
want to stick it in, blow their load and say 
thanks. You poor “sisters” are wasting 
your time with limp-dicked, out-of-shape 
college boys who probably didn’t even 
know what pussy was before college. 
Want some real men? Come to Canada, 


and get “romanced” by us grunts. Every 
place we’ve been in the world, there are 
lots of extremely happy women! I can 
only say I hope my platoon has the honor 
of being in Grand Rapids, Michigan, to 
help the “sisters in love”! —R.A.N. 

First Battalion 

PPCLI, Bosnia 


Do you have a comment or complaint? We 
want to hear it. Send your letters (typed or 
neatly handwritten) to HUSTLER Feed- 
back, 9171 Wilshire Boulevard, Suite 300, 
Beverly Hills, CA 90210. Include a phone 
number if you want your letter considered 
for publication. @& 


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EDITED BY MIKE McPADDEN 


TIT ADVENTURE 


BUTTMAN’S BRITISH BIG 


Fully Erect. Directed by John Stagliano; starring Anjelica, Nita, Stephanie HartRogers, Janey Lomb, Sarah Lee-Anne Hayley, Lisa Word, Shannon White, Rocco Siffreddi, 


Joey Silvera, Steve York and John Stagliano. Videocassette: Evil Angel 


Blimey! Who can travel to a dingy European island renowned for its twisted-toothed, 
slog-assed females and successfully track down as supple and salacious an array of 
strumpets as any continent has to offer? John “Buttman” Stogliano, that’s who. Fresh 
from the semitriumphant Buttman’s Inferno, Stogliano and his lavender-thrill mob of 
pokin’ blokes beat a path to merry old England for some right proper rousting and 
jousting. The record of this jizz-soaked sojoum, Buttman’s British Big Tit Adventure, is 
two hours and 20 minutes of fully erect fuck frolic with seven eye-popping, jaw-drop- 
ping mego-Mammoaried British Empire beauties boasting nary a droplet of silicone 


Big Tit Adventure: Buttman’s the fucking best. 


among their bewitching abundance of breastmeat. Dark-fleshed, giantchested hotel 
chambermaid Nita proffers the audience a taste of huge things ahead, exposing her 
heavy-squirting, black milk sacks in the first scene. Shortly thereafter, she’s joined by 
perennial Buttman boffmate Rocco Siffredi, and together they tackle Anjelica. This 
creamy, curvy weFdreamvision direct from Ireland sports two bountiful pots o” gold in her 
bra cups and the magic of 1,000 leprechauns in her hotflowing lap. Next, Buttman 
bumps into Steve York and records his reaming of the statuesque Sarah Lee-Anne 
Hayley, who's as long on voluptuous sex appeal as she is on names; and veteran vagi- 
no-plunger Joey Silvera joins 
the hijinks by hard-humping 
the super-sexy Shannon 
White and Lisa Ward in o brik 
liontly erotic pillow-boob pile- 
up. The tape-closing orgy tops 
the talents of its trio of male 
stars in tandem with Janey 
Lamb and Stephanie Hart- 
Rogers, both of whom dazzle 
in the dairy department. 
“Buttman” Stagliano is th 
best filmmaking friend a 
hand-humper could have; his 
British Big Tit Adventure 
proves him to be the salt 0 
the earth. —Selwyn Harris 


© 


Nita nibbles Rocco, who primes Anjelica. 


ul 
we 


Man Who Loved Women: Byron bangs away at Jacme. 


Use It: Ashley atop Morgan. . .and how! 


LOVED WOMEN 
Three-Quarters Erect. Directed by Thomas Stone; starring Toro Monroe, Lana Sands, Janet Jacme, Ariel 
Day, Wednesday, Peter North, Tom Byron and Sean Michaels. Videocassette: VCA. 


Ultra-suave brother Sean Michaels is The Man Who Loved Women, and the women really seem to love his 
big, black, truncheonlike sausage, which Alabama dick-crankers may want fo take into account before view- 
ing this tape. Aside from monumental penile dimension, Michaels eats pussy and twirls his tongue into poop 
fing as though he were a terrier snouting a tasty rat out of a fight hole. Sean flexes his length in four of 
Loved’ fucks, satisfying o total of five female libidos. Supporting pole Tom Byron dicks Janet Jacme’s face in 
0 moving convertible Ford Mustang, then makes a brief disappearance into her mocha turd box and pumps 
his prick as her slapping lips attempt to catch his dropping slops. Peter North launches the wad lavage of the 
century; the initial salvo nearly knocks his date’s teeth in, blasting through her sinuses and ruining her face. 
A girl could get her eye poked out, which is what there is to like about Loved Women. —Christian Shapiro 


x USE IT OR LOSE IT 


One-Quarter Erect. Directed by Jim Enright; starring Vixxxen, Teri Diver, Kaitlyn Ashley, lynn LeMay, 
Peter North, Jonathan Morgan and Randy West. Videocassette: Caballero. 

Pointy, blond Vixxxen pulls her red car to a stop beside a trash can and tosses in the tip of o chopped, foke 
penis. “I warned you,” she says, “use it or lose it.” A more apt exclamation would have been: “I’m warning 
you about Use It or Lose It.” The story of Vixxxen’s frustration over Peter North’s comalike fixation with the 
TV set, Use /t hurries through two acts of regulation porn lovemaking (North jizz-wets Vixxxen’s belly after 
what is basically a long, two-position poke; Kaitlyn Ashley catches Jonathan Morgan’s cock crud on the bot 
tom of her chin), then settles in for concept carnality. Teri Diver's pussy tries to snap North out of his funk, 
but he remains cathode-catatonic—a state most home viewers will also maintain. Diver conjoins the mature 
mammories of Lynn LeMay with North in the middle, sitting in a stupor rivaled only by the torpor of the pay- 
per-view customer. Vixxxen fucks old-comer Randy West directly in North’s sight, but he’s still mesmerized by 
his TV. The home viewer wonders what is on the weather channel. Lose Use It. —C S$. 


BUTT BANGED 
BICYCLE BABES 
Three-Quarters Erect. Directed by Biff Malibu; starring Misty Rain, Draghixa, Barbara Doll, Francesca Le, 
Marolin, Yvonne, Kimberly Chambers, Jon Dough, John Stagliano, Sean Michaels, Gerry Pike, Eric, Marc 
Wallice, Guy DeSilva, Chad Thomas and Mark Davis. 
Videocassette: Anabolic. 


Baling outdoorsmen and the chicks whose shitters open 
to bone them beneoth the open-air skies are the subjects 
of Butt Banged Bicycle Babes, where everybody wheels 
up for an alfresco fuck. A more intriguing gimmick is 
Bicycle’s trick of bringing two babes together in semen- 
relay teams. In a test of gag reflexes and coordination, 
gies gill one catches a discharge of cum with her articulate 

Eiseey lips, then spits the frothy load into girl two's receptive 
oral cavity. Instant hard-on for John Stagliano, who 
comes three times in Banged’s lost scene: Stagliano 
fucks a chick and comes all over her asshole, rump and 
thighs. A big-boobed blonde felches the wad off ass- 
fucked’s crevice, buns and legs; Stag drops another load. 
The fucked chick is butt-nailed again by some other guy, 
Mark Davis, and the resultant cum-gargling leads Stag to 
bust another nut. Will this triple-spurting miracle be 
repeated by the home audience, or will hundreds simply 


Bicycle Babes: Stag’s party with pooper-pumping strumpets. break their wrists in the attempt? —5. 


DECEMBER HUSTLER 


Half Erect. Directed by Bud Lee; starring Nikki Dial, Kaitlyn Ashley, Dyanna Lauren, Tony Tedeschi, Brad Armstrong, Alex Sanders and Nick East. Videocossette: Vivid Film. 


The inclusion of flesh-savory Nikki Dial, despite her condom clause, is reason enough 
to watch any porn video. Hardcore, with its premise of Dial employing a look-alike to 
fill in for herself during public appearances, promises two helpings of Nikki for the 
price of one, doubling the Dial effect and raising the theoretical potential that 
Hardcore will be twice as rewarding as the basic Dial vehicle. Unfortunately, contrary 
to prognosticating equations, only one of Dial’s three Hardcore fucks is free from cock- 
frustrating flaws, and the two other chicks are not Nikki Dial. But+boning Kaitlyn 


z J . 7 ; ae 


HUSTLER DECEMBER 


ab. 


Hardcore: Nikki Dial, nude and doing it. Need we say more? 


“SAYONARA, 


Shannon Michelle Wilsey, a/k/a Savannah (1971-1994) 


Ashley is certainly preferable to pulling the pud into o handful of chopped liver, ond 
Dyanna Louren deserves ardent and sincere admirers, but they are window dressing. 
In the first fuck, Dial never sheds her body-stocking, and her tits languish under 
wraps. The finale shows more of Tony Tedeschi’s ass and dangling scrotum than it 
does Dial’s swaying satchels. In between is a picnic-blanket poke with Dial splayed 
out and rocking, full body exposed, and elevated with tits and butt imploringly uplift 
ed as she boffs on top, which is reason enough to go Hardcore. —C.$. 


SAVANNAH | 


In a sad replay of a too-often-employed 
exit from the porn biz, Shannon 
Michelle Wilsey, better known to adult- 
video fans as Savannah, took her own 
life on July 11, 1994. Like suicidal sex- 
movie performers Shauna Grant and 
Megan Leigh before her, Wilsey died of 
a self-inflicted gunshot wound. She was 
23. As Savannah, the chillingly beautiful 
blonde quickly rose to superstar status 
and achieved off-screen notoriety by 
being linked with Guns ’N Roses gui- 
tarist Slash, rap group House of Pain and 
loathsome cretin Pauly Shore. Though 
Savannah was often the target of critical 
barbs, her popularity proved she was 
obviously the stuff of which the public’s 
pud-pounding dreams were made. Good 
night, sad Savannah. HUSTLER extends 
condolences to Ms. Wilsey’s family and 
friends. —Selwyn Harris 


Y HOLEY NIGHT 


Porn’s finest gathered at Los Angeles’s Universal Sheraton to dance, drink and con- 
gratulate themselves for raising dough on behalf of the Free Speech Coalition. The 
real attraction of Night of the Stars—the official name of this gash-filled gathering— 
was the opportunity to ogle newfangled porn poon such as Heather Lee, Nicole Lace 
and the ever-cute Kaitlyn Ashley. Veronica Hart and Nina Hartley represented the 
old guard. Porsche Lynn stepped front and center by taking to the dance floor and 
frugging with Al Cowlings (best known these days as O. J. Simpson’s would-be get- 
away driver), though the most potent proceedings took place in a back room, where 
the tit-heavy talent could take it all off nasty-style for smiling photographers. 
Lifetime achievement awards were doled out to XXX-stud 
Jamie Gillis, legendary lady Kelly Nichols, the aforemen- 
tioned Ms. Hart and director F. J. Lincoln. By evening’s 
end, freedom of expression still existed in these United 
States, and the consensus was that porn folk sure do know 
how to throw a party. Just ask A.C. —Mike Albuquerque 


DRESS WAS SEMI-FORMAL, SILICONE OPTIONAL. D> 


NIGHT OF THE STARS: THE Hi 


ecatiae Plancire 
Serle: Fie asure 


Aste 


TIANNA TAYLOR AND TA-TA-TOUCHING FRIEND. 


- THE ANALIZER 


Half Erect. Directed by Frank Marino; starring Debi Diamond, Kaitlyn Ashley, Bionca, 
Beatrice Valle, Teri Diver, Heather St. Claire, I. I. Boy, Marc Wallice, Peter North, 
Jonathan Morgan and Jason Ashley. Videocassette: Vidco. 


From its title to its drab lighting, to its cost of standard slots and prods, to its worka- 
day butt rammings, The Analizer is a no-frills spill tape. Analizer has no plot, but it 
contains the required amount of semen plop, much of it delivered with the scrotal 
sock perched above the face of a supine broad whose mouth waits gaping below for 
the dick-drop delivery. Peter North’s pumpmate is particularly uninterested, seeming 
to endure rather than participate as his wang belabors her portals. Marc Wallice 
skewers the oft-plugged pooper of Bionca while o hefty dildo distends her vagina, 
and workable pro Teri Diver spreads her legs in a wide V for the probing Jonathan 
Morgon, but only the fervent coupling of Debi Diamond and T. T. Boy achieves any 
degree of credible sexual abandon. Diamond fucks like o mean man—even her 
blowjobs exude carnal hostility —but much of The Analizer is 0 dozer. —OS. 


- LEENA IS NASTY 


Half Erect. Directed by Mitchell Spinelli: starting Leena, Kaitlyn Ashley, Bianca 
Trump, Jasper, Misty Rain, Chayse Manhattan, Kylie Ireland, Sean Michaels, Jake 
Williams, Alex Sanders, Derek Taylor and Jay Ashley. Videocassette: Odyssey Group. 


Popular porn starlet Leena truly is nasty, in every sense of the term. In some fuck 
flicks, Leena flares nasty in a highly fuckable, down-and-dirty manner, though too 
often she reverts to the haggy, skaggy, hard-faced definition of the word. In Leena 
Is Nosty, the titular trollop displays both modes of her nasty self. On the upside, 
she sexily engages cunnilingus champ Kaitlyn Ashley and apelike Jake Williams in 
0 penis-pleasing threeway, then later bounces oround with Sean Michaels’s big, 
black bone up her butt. In between, she appears defeated and dour-looking, thus 
casting a pall on the otherwise okay sex-proceedings: Bianca Trump takes it in the 
mouth and rump from a pair of polemen; smile-pussed Jasper gets plowed by Jay 
Ashley; and, in the best scene, Kaitlyn Ashley, Misty Rain and Kylie Ireland share 
nipple-sucking, labe-slapping lesbian goodness in a backyard pool. Leena Is Nasty: 
such a statement certainly doesn’t qualify as news, nor does the tape offer any- 
thing new. —S. Ht. 


- HOOTERMANIA 


Half Erect. Directed by Greg Dark; starring Crystal Wilder, Danyel Cheeks, Tianna 
Taylor, Lynn LeMay, Leanna Foxx, Natasha, Marc Wallice, Terry Thomas, Ron Jeremy, 
Jonathan Morgan, Jack Armstrong and Jon Dough. Videocassette: VCA. 


Demented porn-visionary Greg Dark returns with his first non-sequel feature in 
some time via Hootermania, and for perhaps the first time ever, the crazed cooze 
director disappoints. The problem lies not with Dark’s craftsmanship, but with the 
silicone-soured, inflatable-raftlike chest appendages and stable-cleoring faces of 
his chosen starlets. Hootermania’s plot concerns Jon Dough’s quest for the per- 
fect set of tits; he couldn’t possibly be among worse company than the assem- 
bled female cast. Dicks and fingers fill asses, painful looking titfucks are the 
order of the day, cocks get sucked, muffs munched, Ron Jeremy runs around in a 
pig snout, a weirdo orgy winds things up and all for naught: The plastic-surgery- 
bungled horror-boobs are distractingly, uniformly hideous (only trash-twat Tianna 
Taylor can shift the focus from her noxious nay-nays for a few sexy seconds). In 
an adventure titled Hootermania, grotesque torso-bumpers figure as a handicap 
that just can’t be overlooked. —5.H. 


HUSTLER DECEMBER 


Hoofermania: Leanna Foxx a pair of feet. 


re B HI IDTH BL** 
uVOLU fA 4 


One-Quarter Erect. Directed hy Randy Detroit; starring a cast of five or six melanin mans and mams. 
Videocassette: Midnight Special. 


“All black, all nasty, all onal,” the cast of Behind the Black Door Volume 4 are never credited on the box or 
on the tape—not that the names would mean anything to anyone outside of porole officers and welfore 
workers. It is possible to tell these people apart, even for those hampered by lily-white sensibilities, because 
one of them looks like Oprah Winfrey, and none of the others do. Still, the scenes all run together, not one 
distinguishable from another, in part because whoever put this video together was more amateurish than the 
performers. A chubba blubba mama sucks dick like it’s a corn dog, and she just wants the mustard off of it. 
Shouldn’t this be on the Nature Channel? A pimpy-looking fellow reclines as a darkly billowing gal plops her 
puss on his prick. He’d get off his ass and spear it into her, except that would seem too much like work, and 
no one involved with Behind the Black Door Volume 4 was willing to do any of that. —O$ 


“x DIAL A FOR ANAL 


One-Quarter Erect. Directed by Frank Marino; starring Christina Angel, Debi Diamond, Beatrice Valle, 
Bionca, T. T. Boy, Peter North and Marc Wallice. Videocassette: Caballero. 

When pinch-foced Christina Angel stands out as the most appetizing eye-candy in a pom tape’s assortment of 
female bonbons—as is the case with Dial A for Anat-—the letter most appropriate for the situation is U for 
ugly. L for lame would be an accurate calling card as well, since Anal is as rote and uninspiring as any video 
could possibly be, despite pricks being stuffed into poopers end-to-end. T. T. Boy buttbones harsh-boobed 
Beatrice Valle; Debi Diamond makes a lot of annoying noises during an unerotic Marc Wallice bathroom fuck; 
Peter North and Angel provide the only possible whack-worthy sex scene; a couch tussle culminates with the 
fomiliar North cum geyser; Valle and Bionca rewrite lesbianism to make it nauseating; and Diamond ond LS Zcs ’ sn 
Angel do sex stuff astride bouncing Boy. How about B for Boring? C for Crappy? D for Dumb?... _—S.4. Dial As Sorry we can’t come to the phone right now. 


STROKER’S GUIDE 


A QUICK CHECKLIST OF X-RATED FEATURES REVIEWED IN PAST ISSUES OF 
HUSTLER anp HUSTLER EROTIC VIDEO GUIDE. 


FULLY ERECT THREE-QUARTERS ERECT 
Superior. A top production Above average. Hord-on material. 


Black Orchid (Western Group) 
Ona Zee, Lacey Rose, 
Jonathan Morgan 
Buttman’s British Big Tit 
Adventure (Evil Angel) 
Anjelica, Shannon White, 
John Stagliano 
Pussyman 5 
(Snatch Productions) 
Leena, Krysti Lynn, Steve Drake 
Sodomania VII 
(Elegant Angel) 

Tionna, Tammi Ann, Joey Silvera 
Who Killed Holly Hollywood? 
(VCA) 

Brozil, Madison, Rick Blaine 


Biff Malibu’s Nasty 
Nymphos #2 (Anabolic) 
Sydney, Destini Lone, Mark Davis 
Buttslammers 6 
(Bruce Seven Productions) 
Veronica Hall, Suzie Matthews, 
Tommi Ann 
Doggiestyle (Caballero) 
Bridgett Ami, Debi Diamond, 
Stephan St. Croix 
Nurse Tails (VCA) 

Tiffany Mynx, Angel Ash, Tom Byron 
Streets of New York 
(Pleasure Productions) 

Carolyn Anderson, Jessica Fox, 
Rick Savage 


HALF ERECT 


Stondord fore. Hos moments. 


Booty in the House (Wicked) 
Champagne, Janet Jacme, Paul McCoy 
Dick and Jane Go to 
Hollywood Part 1 (Avica) 
Sunset Thomas, Nikki Sinn, 
Zack Thomas 
The Hustlers (Midnight Films) 
Savannah, Victoria Gold, Dan Steele 
Naked Goddess 2 (VCA) 
Moana Pozzi, Flame, Buck Adams 
The Reel Sex World (Wicked) 
Isis Nile, Wednesday, Jonathan Morgan 
White Shadow (VCA) 
Dyanna Lauren, Krista, Cal Jammer 
X-Butterfly (Odyssey Group) 
Sahara Sands, Tricia Yen, Alex Sanders 


ONE-QUARTER ERECT 


Poor. Don’t expect much. 


Andrew Blake’s Desire (VCA) 
Viviana, Copri Danell, Jon Dough 

Bitches in Heat 

(Pleasure Productions) 

Cora Lott, Samantha York, Derrick Lane 

Black Fire (Visual Images) 
Stormy Shores, Lady Antoinette, 

Jimmy Zee 


ke A TOTALLY LIMP 
A waste of time and money 


High Heel Harlots (Silver Foxx) 
Veronica Rio, Tina Target, Zen Buckaroo 
Margarita on the Rocks 
(Silver Foxx) 

Traci Prince, Chelsea Ann, Jack Mann 


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satiric perspectives, as opposed to cocaine which only causes 
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AD PARODY. NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. ALTHOUGH THE SURGEON GENERAL'S SON WAS 
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I recently lost my job as a copier service 
technician for a major corporation. Need- 
less to say, without a steady paycheck, I 
quickly fell behind on my rent. Molly, 
the owner of the apartment building 
where I live, gave me an extension, but 
she was pissed. Luckily, Molly’s step- 
daughter, Lori, likes me. Whenever I’ve 
needed to sneak in or out of the building, 
she’s helped me avoid her mom. 

After a month or so of doing nothing 
but sitting around and getting drunk, I'd 
finally dirtied my last stitch of clean 
clothes. I hauled my pile of dirty laun- 
dry down to the washing machines in 
the basement and just missed being 
spotted by Molly. Clad only in my least 
filthy pair of boxers, I stuck nearly all 
the clothes | owned in the wash. 

Moments after shutting the lids, I 
heard the door at the top of the stairs 
creak open. Darting into the shadows, I 
spied Molly in the doorway. “Hello? 
Anybody down here?” she inquired 
loudly. I held my breath. Not only did I 
owe her rent, but I felt silly in my un- 
derwear. A woman in her 40s, Molly 
boasts voluptuous curves and always 
smells of rose perfume. Her luxurious, 
naturally blond curls have not a single 
strand of gray. She descended the steps, 
her long legs slicing through her flap- 
ping bathrobe. 

Pushing myself farther back into the 
shadows, I wondered what the fuck my 
landlady was doing naked under a 
bathrobe at two in the afternoon. She 
tossed a dust mop aside, hoisted herself 
up onto one of my vibrating washing ma- 
chines and, parting her robe, pressed her 
youthful looking hands against her muff. 

Scarcely able to believe my eyes, I 
witnessed my landlady grinding her 


HUSTLER DECE 


Lief re (Ris. 


pussy against the bucking appliance. 
Lifting one weighty breast toward her 
mouth, she circled her tongue around 
the peach-stone nipple and sucked. 

My prick pushed out of my shorts like 
a frustrated spectator forcing his way to 
the front of the stage. Soundlessly, I 
stroked myself. Molly inserted two, then 
three fingers into her molten, purple 
pussy. Pumping toward orgasm, I was 
groaning in hyperventilat- 
ing ecstacy when, all of a 
sudden, the washer cut 
out; the load was finished. 
The sudden quiet betrayed 
my helpless grunting. 

“Who the fuck is there?” 
said Molly. 

My wilted hard-on weep- 
ing one large globule of 
pre-cum, | stammered my 
name and exposed myself 
to her gaze. 

“Looks like we both got 
caught,” said Molly. Her 
no-bullshit tone softened 
my scalding embarrass- 
ment. But the landlady 
couldn't resist talking 
business. “You owe me,” 
Molly bargained, gently 
parting the slick lips of 
her labia with manicured 
fingers. 

Heart racing, I lowered 
my nose into the thicket 
of her freshly showered 
bush. Emboldened by 
Molly’s fragrant, just- 
hewn essence, I caressed 
the petals of her labia 
with my tongue, lapping 
up her hot, salty sheen. 
My fingertips slipped gen- 
tly between the cheeks of 
her ass and lightly diddled 
the pulsing crater of her 
ringpiece. Sliding one 
pussy-moistened middle 
finger gently into her ass, 
I stirred her backside 


sauce, whisking her slowly to the boil- 
ing point. 

Shuddering, Molly hoisted her legs 
into the air and pulled my mouth against 
her puckered asshole. Swiping my tongue 
around the spicy sphincter, I watched as 
she cupped her hanging wabs, occasion- 
ally licking her distended nipples. 

Suddenly, my balls felt warm and 
wet. Glancing between my thighs, I rec- 
ognized the shiny black hair and green 
eyes of Molly’s stepdaughter, Lori, 
poised beneath my horizontal prick. 
Wrapping her fingers firmly around my 
pud, Lori daubed my ticklish balls with 
her hot, rapid tongue before tasting my 
cock’s mushroom-cap and jamming the 
whole length of my pole down her 
throat. Squeezing my cum sack, she ten- 
tatively pricked my defenseless rectum 
with a sharp little fingernail. 

Gasping with a mind-numbing rush of 


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erotic sensation, I fell backward on the 
cool concrete floor. Young Lori squatted 
on my face and ground my mug into her 
silky cleft. Then she slowly pulled off 
her T-shirt, revealing a perfect pair of 
tiny tits with long, pointed, dark brown 
nipples, rock-hard to the touch. 

Descending from the washer, Lori's 
stepmom lowered her blistering pussy 
down the length of my shaft, reaching 
behind her to gently squeeze my dan- 
gling scrotum. Aside from my tongue, I 
couldn’t move a muscle. I felt like Gul- 
liver in Lilliput, pinioned by pussy. 

Molly ordered her stepdaughter to 
get on all fours, doggy-style. She then 
gave my pecker a dripping slurp. After 
parting the cheeks of her stepdaugh- 
ter’s ass and moistening it with Lori's 
own beaver milk, Molly steadily 
guided my hard-on into the expectant, 
19-year-old bunghole. My ass-en- 
veloped prick waited, motionless, for 
what seemed like an eternity. 

Finally, Lori undulated her rear; she 
was ready for stroking. Molly watched 
intently as I slowly reamed Lori’s tender 
ass. I alternated gentle movements with 
furious, painful jabs. Lori’s cries be- 
came more and more frantic as she 
begged me to give it to her faster. When 
her moans threatened to alert the tenants 
above us, I pulled out, turned Lori 
around and wanked my shit-smeared 
prong. Molly maneuvered her face into 
position where it was sure to catch the 
hot spew of a massive cum bath. 

Kneeling in my apartment basement, 
straddling a 19-year-old girl who'd just 
had my cock in her asshole, pumping fu- 
riously on my tool and aiming my spurt- 
ing semen at my landlady’s mug, I 
marveled at my unpredictable fate. As 
my jizz sprayed Molly’s face and 
dripped from her tongue and chin down 
onto her titties, I felt ready to pay a few 
months’ rent in advance. If I'd known 
unemployment would lead to opportuni- 
ties like this, I would have ditched my 
job long ago. —W.A. 

Albuquerque, New Mexico 


SHORE THING 


What's the first thing a nuclear sub- 
mariner wants after six months under 
the surface of the ocean? Pussy. The 
second thing? More pussy. 

Docked and processed, 500 of us se- 
men-filled seamen set off last month to 


HUSTLER DECEMBER 


lay siege to the pussies of San Diego, 
California. As we raced townward, the 
duty officer yelled after us, “You shit- 
birds know exactly which places in 
town are off limits—and so does the 
Shore Patrol. Don’t fuck with them, and 
they won't fuck with you!” 

Our collective response? “Eat shit!” 

An hour later, my buddies and me 
were tearing it up at the number one bar 
on the SP’s shitlist, where beers cost a 
buck each to men in uniform (this long 
after Desert Storm, servicemen usually 
pay the same fuckin’ price for brews as 
any civilian). This dive featured more 
pussy than you could shake a 12-inch 
prick at, including hookers and what 
you might call “camp followers.” 

I had me one of the latter: a dark- 
maned, melon-titted Mexican hourglass. 
She didn’t ask for any green; so I fig- 
ured she was doing me for the uniform. 
Drunk and raring for action, I thought, 
To hell with a room—I'll just fuck her 
in the crapper. 

Straddling a piss-stained shitter in the 


gent’s head with my pants around my 
ankles and my fat schlong swabbing the 
ruby painted lips of my sailor-loving 
senorita, Carmen, I tasted the long- 
awaited southern kiss of shoreside hos- 
pitality. Carmen rubbed her thick lips 
up and down my shaft, leaving a spitty 
swipe of magenta. Her grinning mouth 
full of tube steak, Carmen pinned me 
against the shit-stained toilet like a but- 
terfly on cardboard. Finding her dress 
too tight to loosen, I ripped it open 
along the seam and made a beeline for 
her melons. Hell, I was drunk, but Car- 
men was drunker. “¢Qué pasa?” she 
cried. “Pagaria,” I replied, attempting 
to tell her I'd pay as I rolled her nipples 
between my fingers and thumbs. She 
panted and gagged on my blue-veiner. 
Pulling it out of her slurpy mouth, I 
rubbed the dripping steel rod against 
her cool cheeks and chin. 

Threatening to blow like a geyser, I 
pulled Carmen to her feet. Tearing the 
remaining clothes from her taut, whip- 
thin body, I reached between her honey 
thighs and parted the lips of her extra- 
hairy snatch. Juicing her slit nice and 
slick with gobs of saliva, I stuck a fat 
thumb inside her pussy and used my 
ring finger to strum and flick her clit. 

(continued on page 45) 


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(continued from page 37) 


Directing her to press her palms against 
the graffiti-covered door, | lowered my 
face between the sweaty cheeks of her 
ass as if I was cracking open some fat, 
airport paperback to look for the dirty 
parts. Just as I was giving a few prelimi- 
nary opening licks to her winking butt- 
bud, a familiar, bone-wilting yell rose 
up from the barroom. Fifty sailors in 
unison were crying, “Fucking Shore Pa- 
trol!” There followed the furious, 
chaotic sound of 100 people trying to si- 
multaneously pass through a door de- 
signed for two at a time. 

Acting on the iron law of naval life 
that says, “The stupidest, most brain- 
dead, moronic, dim-witted recruits will 
always gravitate to the ranks of the SP,” 
I yanked Carmen up to stand with me 
on the slippery rim of the shitter to 
make it appear that the place was empty 
to whoever might look for feet under 
the stall. I left the stall door open an 
inch just to fool °em some more. 

Waiting for the dicks to move along 
to the next off-limits joint, I directed 
Carmen to fuck my greasy dong with 
her hand, anticipating the moment when 
I'd slam it right up her tunnel. 

Silence descended around us as the 
sweep came to an end. Drunkenly, I set 
Carmen back on the floor, motioned her 
to spread and plunged my burning 
poker into her sopping cunt. Gushing, 
she shattered the stillness with a scream 
to wake the dead. Right away, heavy 
bootsteps approached the head. 

Continuing to plunge my boner in 
and out of Carmen’s furry hole, I fig- 
ured I might as well be hung for a sheep 
as a lamb. The cubicle door opened 
slowly. Over Carmen’s shoulder stood 
the patrolling SP officer who had come 
to bust me. But to my surprise, instead 
of the usual lunkhead Nazi, a way foxy 
bitch in uniform looked me right in the 
eye as I continued to give Carmen my 
pound of kielbasa, eight to the bar. 

She was fucking beautiful, and all I 
could think of was just how much I 
wanted her to bounce me off the walls 
of the brig. She reached one hand in 
front of her and grabbed my balls, 
yelling over her shoulder, “I got it taken 
care of, Sarge.” 

Holding my palpitating nuts, she led 
me out of the shitter and out of Car- 
men’s twat. As much as I knew I was 
the one who was screwed, something 
about this SP bitch had my cock set like 
concrete. Was it the nightstick? The 
cuffs? The piece? No— it was the soft, 
insistent tugging of her eager hand, 


HUSTLER DECEMBER 


which had moved from my balls to 
yanking my prick. 

Flushed with humiliation and jeal- 
ousy, Carmen stood by as the female SP 
officer spanked my seized monkey. As 
sure as I was going to the stockade, | 
was stopping by heaven first! She pulled 
the bell end of my pole, whisking it 
around in her palm as if gauging its size. 
Hungrily, Carmen’s eyes followed each 
sweep. The frustrated Mex popped half 
her hand inside her own neglected twat. 

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THE MOUNTING SUCCESS OF HARD-CORE-VIDEO SEX THERAPY 


by Don Vaughan 
Sex had been great for newly married Marge and Bill, Good news for troubled couples. 
but the excitement ebbed over the years. The time came Growing numbers of certified sex therapists are turn- 


when Bill would rather watch TV than bang, while _ ing to hard-core video erotica to help cure a wide variety 
Marge got more satisfaction out of doing crossword puz- _ of coitus-related complaints, and professional opinion 


Zles than sucking cock. indicates visual pornography has substantial therapeutic 
Hoping to bring back the deep, physical passion that _ benefit. 
first drew them together, Bill and Marge visited a certi- “In my estimation, approximately 40% of all sex ther- 


fied sex therapist. The therapist made a startling sug- _ apists today use adult films successfully as adjunct ther- 
gestion: Go to the video store, rent a couple of hard-core apy,” states Dr. Judith Seifer, president of the American 
porn movies and watch them together. Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists 

With the help of a friendly clerk, the hamstrung [AASECT]. According to Seifer, a therapist in private 
humpers selected three X-rated tapes. After dinner that practice in Lewisberg, West Virginia, who frequently 
evening, they popped one into the VCR and warily recommends adult movies to her patients, use of hard- 


climbed into bed. core pornography as part of professional therapy is in- 
Restrictive attitudes in the name of Ten minutes later, as deep-throat dynamo Teri creasing. “It’s definitely a growing trend. The only 
so-called morality increasingly take Weigel smoked a donkey-rigged dude’s middle leg, Bill's reason it hasn't been more popular over the past 15 or 


the fun out of fucking. Through 
good, old-fashioned homespun 


own member attained a firmness unseen since his hon- 20 years is that the only films available to most thera- 


knowledge, hearsay, scientific facts eymoon days. Holding Marge close, Bill whispered, "We pists were educational films from the ‘70s, which, on the 
and outright lies, this series strives haven't done that in a while..." whole, were just not sexy.’ 
to spread the word that rubbing Marge smiled seductively, her freshly awakened pu- Therapists may only now be discovering the healthful 


uglies is a beautiful experience. 


Illustration by Jim Blanchard 


H 


denda moist with desire. ‘!'ll do you if you do me," she _ benefits of adult movies, but the concept of porn as edu- 
said, disappearing under the covers. Bill reached for the _cator is old hat, according to Seifer. 


video box, looking for other titles in the series. Their pro- “Commercial porn has been America’s sex educator 
fessionally prescribed therapy was definitely starting out _ for the past 25 years,” Seifer asserts. “It's presumptuous 

with a bang. for sex educators and therapists to think that we have 

( y i) V4 ever been able to match the audience that commercial 
aie ae porn has found. People who watch pornography learn a 


variety of coital positions, as well as how to touch and 
how to do somebody—because that's what porn’s all 
about.” 
~~ Adds Oakland, California, psychologist and sex 
therapist Dr. Bernie Zilbergeld, author of The New 
Male Sexuality, “| think it's safe to say that more 
and more people in this country are watching adult 
Lt films. When | was growing up—long before 
oo i hp ; ye, ; VCRs—they were called b/ue movies and were 
5 1p ~ primarily viewed at stag parties. Now they're 
available at most video stores for any adult 
( who wants them.” 

Hard-core pornography, in or out of a thera- 
peutic context, is not for everyone. Many thera- 
pists avoid adult videos as a counseling aid 
because of the “dirty movie" stigma. Others 
maintain a more medical approach, in which 
such forms of adjunct treatment have no place, 
and therapists offering sex counseling from a 
Christian or other religious perspective do not 

embrace erotic movies. Even among practitioners 
likely to accept the treatment, there are profes- 
sional reservations. 

“Porn is not a universal cure-all,” cau- 
tions Seifer. “It is not a substitute for 
therapy for couples who are having pro- 
= < found sexual difficulties. Nor are [fuck 
wis é Sore ents (rm videos] to be used with individuals who 

> ee ' 5 will tend to find them inherently distasteful 
(continued on page 55) 


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(continued from page 49) 
or against their moral values.” 

However, experts agree 
that, for couples who have 
some experience with explicit 
films, a trip to the video store 
can be the first step in making 
sex better. 

“There is a very valid place 
for erotic videos in sex ther- 
apy, especially with couples 
from today's generation,” de- 
clares Seifer. “This is the first generation in the 
history of mankind that has had television as a 
baby-sitter. This is a generation that has been 
raised on audiovisual stimulation. They are ac- 
customed to learning by seeing and hearing. 
There are videos to help you repair your house. 
Why not use that method of education in the 
sexual arena too?” 

Seifer has found that most patients are will- 
ing to give fuck flicks a try. She's also found 
that video sex can actually speed up therapy, 
noting, “Porn is especially effective for couples 
who have poorly developed communication 
skills. Many couples find it easier to have sex 
than to talk about it. But watching a video can 
open the door to conversation and discussion of 
topics that otherwise may never be addressed, 
such as sexual likes and dislikes. Adult videos 
can also help couples who have never devel- 
oped the art of foreplay, or have become bored 
with sex after years of marriage, or who have 
very rudimentary levels of understanding about 
other sexual activities besides intercourse. Be- 
lieve me, lots of couples don't have a clue 
about how to give or receive oral sex. Videos 
can show them. They're wonderful assists.” 

Dr. Zilbergeld recommends adult videos for 
similar reasons, and also sometimes uses them 
in the treatment of sexually dysfunctional men 
who don't have partners and aren't interested 
in surrogate therapy. 

"Say a guy has a problem with coming too 
quickly, and he doesn't have a partner to work 
with,” Zilbergeld postulates. “| may give him 
some masturbation exercises to do, necessitat- 
ing fantasy. One thing | have found to be ex- 
tremely helpful is to have him watch an erotic 
video while he's doing the homework assign- 
ment. Videos have a more dramatic effect on 
people, generally, than does looking at pictures 
in a magazine or reading something. The pa- 
tient can do the masturbation exercises with a 
video, and that takes him closer to what it will 
be like with a real partner.” 

Former porn star Candida Royalle, who cur- 
rently produces couples-oriented fuck films 
through her company, Femme Productions, 
paired up with New York-based sex therapist 
Patti O. Britton to review sex videos before an 
appreciative group of progressive therapists at 


I 


SEX PLAY 


HUSTLER DECEMBER 


a recent AASECT conference. The tapes under 
discussion ranged from commercial hard-core to 
soft-core aimed at women. 

“The AASECT especially liked John Leslie's 
new movie, The Dog Walker,” reports Royalle. 
“The sex was hot and nasty, and also included 
foreplay and tenderness. Rick Savage's amateur 
film The Streets of New York is also quite good 
that way,” 

Royalle believes explicit adult movies have 
myriad important uses. 

“On the simplest level, hard-core porn’s sort 
of a supercharger,” she says. “It can be a quick 
turn-on. It’s also great for sexual role-modeling, 
which is important if a couple has problems un- 
derstanding the individual dynamics involved in 
sexual interaction. Most importantly, | think porn 
tapes open the door to better communication 
about what turns a person on. Men must under- 
stand that the women they're with have grown 
up in a society that has subtly taught that only 
bad girls have sex. When girls tell guys what we 
want, it's like admitting that we're bad. Videos 
can make discussion a little easier.” 

Royalle believes commercial porn offers 
greater benefits than the clinical sex-instruction 
tapes on the market because smut constitutes a 
more or less ordinary entertainment experience, 
rather than a form of treatment. “Some couples 
don't want to perceive themselves as being dys- 
functional or needing help,” she opines. “! think 
it's a lot better to turn to something entertain- 
ing, that has good sexual role-modeling, than to 


something that says, ‘We know you have a prob- 
lem; so we're going to try to help you.’ There's a 
big psychological difference there.” 

Both Seifer and Dr. Zilbergeld add caveats 
when recommending adult material to their sex- 
ually troubled patients. 

“| caution my patients not to compare them- 
selves or their partners with the performers 
they see on commercial sex tapes,” says Dr. Zil- 
bergeld. “The reason the guy has such a big pe- 
nis and the woman has such large breasts is 
that's what professional adult films require. | 
tell them they're watching the pornographic 
equivalent of a major athletic team.” 

While adult videos have proven effective in 
treating many common sexual problems, porn 
can also cause a few. Warns Dr. Anthony 
Pietropinto, author of Not Tonight Dear: How To 
Reawaken Your Sexual Desire, an excess of 
porn flicks can undermine a sex relationship by 
causing unfair comparisons or creating unrealis- 
tic expectations. 

“People sit around watching the actors on 
the screen with perfect bodies having the 
hottest sex imaginable,” says Dr. Pietropinto. 
“It can have the same effect as that on a kid 
who spends his time watching major-league 
baseball on TV instead of being out there on the 
sandlot actually playing.” 

Actually playing, of course, is the goal of all 
who seek sex counseling. Thanks to hard-core 
videos, those having trouble hitting one out of the 
ballpark are getting another turn at bat. 


“I was going to ask you in, but there’s no point now.” 


95 


Report by Michael Albuquerque 


Porn Home 


Tonight’s crowd at Los Angeles’s Hard 
Rock Cafe is nothing special. Tourists, 
wannabe rock stars and one or two what- 
ever-happened-to? celebrities crowd the 
bar, sucking down margaritas and nosh- 
ing pricey chow. It’s a nerve-grinding 
scene. Rock’n’roll memorabilia clutter 
the walls in mute testimony to many a 
pop career’s premature ejaculation. 
These Hard Rock patrons are about to 
play host to a few superstar cunts. 

East of here, in Los Angeles’s Fairfax 
district, a comic-book store is offering an 
up-close-and-personal meeting with a 
flock of America’s most favored porn 
goddesses. A block-long line of drooling 
fans pushes and grovels for custom-auto- 
graphed glossies from girls who get paid 
to increase the squeeze of a screen-glued 
stroker’s cum-encrusted jockey shorts. 

A-list fuckstress Alicia Rio blows in 
late with Ashley “Remember Me?” 
Nicole, gay-porn refugee Joey Verducci 
and Steve Huston, a/k/a Rex Houston, 
star of Almost Home Alone. While her 
companions are ignored, Rio—the origi- 
nal “Pussy to Die For”—signs auto- 
graphs hand over fist, numbing her 
orgasm-crazy brain center with the dizzy- 


Y 


ing fumes of a friction-heated Sharpie. 

After closing the comic-book empo- 
rium, the glad-handing porn pros invade 
the Hard Rock Cafe. Heads swivel to 
watch Nicole, Rio and scantily clad anal 
acrobat Nina Suave sashay inside, ac- 
companied by Huston, Verducci and a 
trail of sweaty-palmed civilians. Ver- 
ducci stops the room cold, announcing, 
“My cock is huge!” Seated, Rio and 
Suave hike their skirts above their twin 
ripe rumps, showing adjacent tables that 
neither girl’s wearing panties. 

A gaggle of Japanese tourists ap- 
proaches the table, cameras popping. 
“Porno-chan, porno-chan,” they bow. 
Suave, star of R. E. A. L. (Rear-Entry 
Anal Lesbians) and Anal Avenue, and 
Rio, whose voluminous credits include 
Gang Bang Fury and Full Throttle Girls, 
pose voluptuously. Nicole—a blue- 
movie-series star of the first rank, thanks 
to New Wave Hookers 2, Raunch 3 and 
Sex Asylum 4—fumes at not being rec- 
ognized. Verducci and Huston flag the 
fans’ attention by shouting passable 
Japanese: “You rikee take pic-chah?” 

Halfway through her chicken salad, 
Rio mentions that she lives with these 


PP 
4 res ~ 
ore =~ 
. ia — 
ae | = 


nt chocolate, 


or is the damn parakeet loose again?!” 


58 


schmucks Verducci and Huston. Not 
only that, their other roommate is 
porn pseudo-intellectual Jonathan 
Morgan, a featured humper in The 
King of Rears. 

As the drink flows into the late 
evening, Huston and Verducci invite 
Suave over to “the house.” She’s not in- 
terested. “It’s really, really big,” Ver- 
ducci assures her. “I can show it to you 
under the table.” Suave declines. 

Huston, Verducci, Nicole and Rio 
head for the Hard Rock turnstiles and 
disappear into the night. Later, rumors 
fly that a jizz-soaked orgy took place 
that night at the residence Rio, Huston 
and Verducci share—although it’s not 
entirely clear who fucked over whom. 

* * * 

Porn’s liveliest living quarters are sit- 
uated along a gated cul-de-sac some- 
where in Southern California’s San 
Fernando Valley. Like the neighboring 
houses, the place is a Tudor stucco job, 
and the renters appear to be quiet and 
well-mannered, The only thing the 
neighbors know is that three guys who 
favor cowboy personas—silver-tipped 
boots and geometric haircuts that give 
them the square-headed look of the 
Blockheads on Gumby—live there. 
Their roommate, a pretty Latina, drives 
a nice car and seems to keep later hours 
than all of them. 

Behind the front door, though, it’s an- 
other story. Alicia Rio, Steve Huston, 
Jonathan Morgan and Joey Verducci are 
living out a porn-inspired version of 
Three’ s Company. 

Joey Verducci greets a visitor by say- 
ing, “I never travel anywhere without 
these.” In one hand he holds a bottle of 
designer cologne, and in the other, a 
medicine bottle containing some type of 
vitamin. “This stuff can make you pop a 
huge load,” he assures, adding his con- 
stant refrain: “Do you wanna see my 
cock? It’s really big.” 

Alicia Rio enters, her hair wet from 
the shower, smelling of shampoo and 
creme rinse. She tosses a towel on the 
couch, Behind her shuffles Steve Huston. 

“IT only asked you to do one thing,” 
Rio complains. Huston mutters, but she 
doesn’t want to hear excuses. “All you 
had to do was take the dog to the vet and 
pick up some dog food.” 

Rio confides: “It’s always like this: 
I'll go out on tour, and there are things 
that need to be taken care of. These guys 
always say that they’ll do them. But I 
come home, and nothing’s done.” 

Huston points at Jonathan Morgan, 
who has just walked in. “Jonathan said 
he’d do it,” charges Huston. “Besides, 
it’s his dog.” 

(continued on page 66) 


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“Why is it always me?” shrugs Mor- 
gan. “What was Joey doing the whole 
time?” 

“These guys are so alike,” estimates 
Rio, shaking her newly washed curls. 
Her sundress shows off a lip-smacking 
expanse of butter-soft flesh. Still-damp 
hair collects around her tan shoulders in 
fragrant curls. 

“Look at them. They’re like twins.” 

Verducci and Huston are dressed 
alike in similarly ripped Levi's, each 
with a metal belt buckle the size of a 
small dinner plate, blue-tinted sun- 
glasses, a single earring and flannel shirt 
opened to the waist. 

“Huston tries to copy me because this is 
how I get all the girls,” protests Verducci. 

“You get all the girls?” laughs Huston. 

“You two do everything the same,” as- 
serts Rio. “You play the same video 
games, you watch the same movies....” 

“But he can’t do a Van Damme split, 
brags Verducci, who flops to the floor in 
some sort of martial arts pose, purport- 
edly inspired by the Belgian actor. 

Porn hyphenate Morgan, a performer 
and writer, rolls his eyes in a superior 
manner, forgetting for the moment that 


” 


he took credit for writing the absolutely 
awful ’Ho, ’Ho, ’Ho, an X-market rip- 
off of the Ron Howard-directed movie 
Night Shift. 

The odd quartet settles into an over- 
stuffed couch to talk about how their in- 
criminatory living arrangement came to 
pass and how they’ve managed not to 
murder each other. 

Both Huston and Rio were once pub- 
lic servants. 

“IT went from law enforcement to 
adult films,” states Huston. “I’m sure 
most of my friends on the PD must be 
thinking, ‘I wish I could be fucking for a 
living instead of getting shot at for 
$40,000 a year.’ More crap goes on at a 
police station than on a porn set.” 

“In high school, I was involved in 
cheerleading,” relates Rio. “After that, I 
went to Cal State L.A. and got a degree 
in business. I was the Deputy City Trea- 
surer for the city of San Gabriel here in 
Southern California for five years, but 
then I was cheated out of a promotion. I 
thought I'd better find another way of 
making a living. I figured, if I’m going 
to get screwed, I might as well be the 
one doing the screwing! When I ran 


INTERACTIVE TV. Gone. BAD 


66 


across an ad in the L.A. Express seeking 
nude models, I thought, /’m not getting 
any younger; so now's my chance. After 
two years and 150 movies, here I am.” 

The third member of this commune, 
San Francisco native Verducci, claims to 
have appeared in countless erotic videos 
and is now embarking on a career as a 
“tag-team” male exotic dancer with Hus- 
ton. Verducci’s defining character trait is 
never failing to mention, “My dick is re- 
ally big. Do you want to see it?” At the 
moment, nobody does. Verducci appears 
to be genuinely hurt. 

Morgan rounds out the household. He 
describes his entrance into the world of 
X-rated entertainment as an extension of 
his college theater-arts studies. “I came 
to L.A. to try to make it as a straight ac- 
tor,” he recounts. “I landed a small part 
on a soap opera called Santa Barbara, 
and I did a few B-movies—976-EVIL, 
Teacher's Pet From Hell, Blonde Bim- 
bos From Space 2—but I wasn’t making 
any money. I called up Vivid Video, and 
about four months later, I did my first X- 
rated movie for Paul Norman, Bigger.” 

Through smut-business connections, 
Rio became acquainted with Morgan. 
“When Alicia first came into the busi- 
ness, we worked together 15 times in 
one month,” Morgan explains. “A good 
friendship came out of that. And now 
we’re roommates.” 

“What really happened,” interrupts 
Rio, “is that I just picked up these guys 
off the street. We knew that Jonathan 
was a down-to-earth person. Like me 
and Steve, he had a regular 9-to-5 job, 
and we had common interests. And he 
didn’t always go around saying, ‘Isn't 
my dick big?’” 

Verducci pouts. “My dick is big,” he 
protests. To no one in particular, he mut- 
ters, “Do you want to see it?” 

“Jonathan’s a great actor,” flatters 
Rio, perhaps recalling Teacher's Pet 
From Hell. 

“Eight out of every ten movies I’ve 
done, I’ve had the lead,” swells Morgan. 

“Last year I had eight nominations at 
the Adult Video News awards show,” 
continues Morgan. “That was more than 
Ashlyn Gere or Rocco Siffredi. They 
were only up for seven.” 

Competitor Huston inquires, “How 
many did you win?” 

Morgan, hurt, snaps back, “How 
many did you?” 
* * * 

“When you have a houseful of adult 
actors,” states Huston, “there’s always a 
lazy one, a macho one, the one that has 
to baby-sit and the complainer.” 

“I’m not macho,” responds Verducci, 
who obviously thinks he is. 

“You try to be,” says Rio, casually 


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stretching her arms along the couch 
back, raising her unfettered breasts. 
“Jonathan is the quiet one.” 

“Jonathan is the one who has all the 
women,” Verducci amends. 

Huston agrees. “You should have 
heard him upstairs last night. You 
would’ve thought they were filming a 
movie—‘Qoh, ahh, do my ass deeper!’” 

“The only reason I complain so 
much,” says Rio, “is because I’m on the 
road dancing so much. These guys need 
to take care of certain things, and they 
don’t do them. Especially Steve. He’s 
the lazy one. For the past four days, I 
was in Kansas City. The only two things 
I wanted him to do was get food for the 
dog and take the dog to the vet for its 
shots. There’s no dog food, and the dog 
hasn’t had its shots.” As if cued, out on 
the porch the dog yaps. Nobody pays it 
any mind. 

Verducci pipes up: “I reminded the 
maid to clean up.”” Nobody is impressed. 

“I’m not the lazy one,” complains 
Huston. “Jonathan won’t even wash his 
clothes, or pick up his underwear. The 
other night I went into his bedroom, and 
there was used Kleenex all over the 


floor. He was sitting on the bed watching 
a porn movie. There was all this 
wadded-up tissue. And he was trying to 
tell me he had a cold.” 

With all this bickering, one wonders 
why porn people would choose to asso- 
ciate with fellow workers in the field, 
let alone live with them. Rio points out 
specific advantages to their arrange- 
ment: “Jonathan writes scripts for dif- 
ferent video companies; so now and 
then he adds in a girl-girl scene for me. 
For stuff like that, it helps that we live 
together.” 

“When you live with other people in 
the business,” adds Morgan, “you have 
people who understand what your prob- 
lems are. There are things that you can’t 
discuss with someone outside the indus- 
try. For instance, I came home from 
working a shoot the other night, and I 
was pissed off because when it came 
time for the cum-shot, I didn’t feel that a 
significant amount came out of me. I 
couldn’t discuss something like that with 
anybody outside of the business. But 
Joey gave me some advice about vitamin 
supplements that could help me produce 
more cum.” 


THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN 


68 


Morgan brings up the gooey incident 
that took place following the L.A. 
comic-book store signing, relating his 
side of the story. “After the signing, 
Steve, Ashley, Alicia and Joey went to 
the Hard Rock Cafe,” he recalls. “One 
thing led to another, and they came back 
here. I was asleep because I had to be on 
a porn set at eight o’clock the next morn- 
ing. At 4 a.m., I heard a noise. I went 
downstairs to find the four of them fuck- 
ing like maniacs. I was trying to sleep; 
so I slammed the door. The next thing I 
knew, they'd brought the orgy into my 
room. The girl | was working with the 
following day kept saying, ‘Are you 
okay? You look awfully tired.’ I still 
rocked, but it was tough.” 

“We all had a lot of fun that night,” 
Rio giggles. 

“Jonathan must have come four times 
in about an hour,” marvels Verducci. 

“That’s because I have the meatiest, 
juiciest pussy in the business,” says the 
girl of that hour. 

The men bow low in tribute to Rio’s 
mouth-watering labial smorgasbord. 

“Alicia Rio has the only pussy that, not 
only can you fuck, but you can dive into 
like an all-meat buffet,” declares Morgan. 

“My pussy’s like a deli department,” 
laughs Rio. “Two pieces of bread and a 
condom, and you’re set!” 

Says Morgan, “Alicia used my bath- 
room when I was on vacation. I came 
back and found out that she had fucked 
my bathtub faucet. Now, every time I 
touch it I go, ‘Ooh, Alicia!’” 

Rio explodes with laughter. “It’s 
true!” she confirms. “He’s got this really 
long faucet that curves. I bent over 
doggy-style, backed up into it and 
fucked it!” 

“Steve has been using my bathroom 
to bathe the dog,” complains Verducci, 
jumping on the bandwagon. “And when 
he’s finished, the dog always urinates in 
the tub. I go in to take a shower, and it’s 
disgusting.” 

Once again, the conversation dis- 
solves into petty disagreements. 

“The trash is supposed to go out 
Monday,” says Rio. “I ask these guys to 
do it, and it never gets done. And now 
we’ve got an ant problem because 
Jonathan leaves his food everywhere.” 

“Me?” objects Morgan vehemently. 
“Huston makes about eight quarts of oat- 
meal and then leaves it lying around un- 
til it’s green.” 

“What about that chocolate milk 
you’re always leaving out on the table?” 
counters Huston. “Look at those ants.” 

Predictably, Joey Verducci has the 
last word. “My cock is really big,” he 
asserts. “Are you sure you don’t want 
to see it?” 


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STINK CAVE & OTHER CONCERNS 


Ff Tit COMEBACK OF CUTTING-EDGE COMEDY 


EPORT BY CHICK LEONARD 


The best comedians are pointed truth- 
tellers who provide a much-needed real- 
ity check by holding up a funhouse 
mirror to society’s ugly mug. During the 
boom of comedy clubs in the 1980s, 
however, a glut of stagestruck hacks 
carved lucrative careers in the rib joints 
by telling safe jokes that risked nothing. 

The shakedown has arrived. Many 
clubs that sprang up during the boom 
years have folded. Comic Darwinism is 
in effect—survival of the funniest. 

The fittest survivors in stand-up today 
are the comedians who fought to skewer 
tough issues during the time when play- 
ing it safe was smart for business. These 
days, the hot buzz in comedy is the cut- 
ting edge. 

“T like goofing on political stuff,” says 
comic Steven Pearl, a longtime standup 
who was profiled, along with the late, 
darkly brilliant Bill Hicks, in the 1988 
feature film Comedy’s Dirty Dozen. “Vl 
say, “You see a broad walking down the 
street, you don’t have to know her. Just 
grab her, finger her, make her pussy wet, 
feel her up. She wants it—all broads 
want it.” Then I'll say, “Thank you, Sena- 
tor Packwood. You can step down now.’ 


80 


I like to dig a hole and then jump out of it 
just when the crowd is thinking, What the 
fuck is this guy doing? Oh, now we get it! 
I don’t burn my bridges. I blow up the 
roads on the way to the bridge.” 

Seated in a booth at the Rainbow Bar 
& Grill on the Sunset Strip in Hollywood, 
California, three veteran comics who cut 
deep grooves in comedy’s edge—and 
happen to be balls-out funny—debate the 
current state of standup. 

Canadian-born Mike MacDonald, a 
comedy club standup since 1978, has 
just completed his third Showtime spe- 
cial; Allan Stephan, a buddy of dead, fat 
Sam Kinison, has been stalking comedy 
stages for nearly 20 years; New Yorker 
Andy Kindler, a dozen. Each of the three 
has a killing funny presence onstage, in- 
terweaving humorous observations of 
daily life with wickedly twisted, off- 
color material. 

Lenny Bruce, George Carlin and 
Richard Pryor besieged language barriers 
in their fight to make “dirty” words ac- 
ceptable in the pursuit of laughs. At his 
best, Kinison worked in that tradition, as 
did Bill Hicks. However, mainstream en- 
tertainment avenues routinely censor con- 


oy 


troversial material. Saturday Night Live, 
for example, recently bleeped portions of 
comic Martin Lawrence’s monologue 
concerning the ways in which, in his 
view, women should wash themselves. 
Should comics be free to say what they 
please under any circumstances? 

“You can’t complain about censorship 
if all you want to do is tell smelly pussy 
jokes on TV,” says MacDonald. 

“What? Smelly pussy jokes? Is that a 
bad thing now?” asks a put-on incredu- 
lous Kindler. 

“Redd Foxx and Richard Pryor got on 
TV,” continues MacDonald, “and they 
didn’t have to talk dirty to get their point 
across. A lot of so-called raunchy 
comics are just verbal masturbators.” 

“Wait a minute,” objects Kindler, “I 
do the verbal masturbation bit too!” 

Stephan devises a censor-defeating so- 
lution: “All you have to do is change the 
word pussy to hoochie. Hoochie will get 
by, even on TV.” 

“Being able to play is important. 
You've got to get your stuff heard,” 
Kindler allows. “But, most important— 
is it funny?” 

“Hoochie’s funnier than pussy,” main- 
tains Stephan. 

“Actually, ‘stink cave’ is my favorite 
term for pussy,” states MacDonald, get- 
ting hot as far as blue. “They won’t let 
you say that.” 

Kindler’s defense system kicks in: 
“I'd like to disassociate myself from the 
phrase stink cave, and I'll sue if it’s at- 
tributed to me.” 

Again, the bottom line. 

“Funny’s what counts,” says Mac- 
Donald. “If Ted Danson in blackface had 
been funny, there wouldn’t have been 
such an uproar of protest. Making bad 
choices doesn’t put you on the edge. It 
just slits your own throat. Pick your 
fights, and if you’re going to fight, make 
it a good one.” 

“To me,” stresses Kindler, “there’s a 
censorship issue every time somebody 
lists which words can or cannot be said. 
And things such as movie ratings have a 
censoring effect. Hollywood filmmakers 
design and edit their work to avoid X or 
NC-17 ratings. For the most part, they’re 
not cutting violence; they’re cutting sex.” 

Stephan refers to the master. “Lenny 
Bruce said he’d rather watch sex than vi- 
olence. Killing is ugly. Fucking is not.” 

“I don’t know,” considers MacDon- 
ald, tweaking irreverence. “I could show 
you some beautiful violence and some 
really ugly fucking.” 

“I’m working on a book about perver- 
sions,” says Stephan. “People make per- 
versions sound negative, but what if a guy 
just happens to dig a chick in panties? 

(continued on page 90) 


DECEMBER HUSTLER 


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There’s nothing negative about that. It’s a 
nice perversion. Not to change the subject, 
but is there any chance we can okay the 
girls that go in this issue of HUSTLER?” 
Comedian Matt Weinhold has found 
that one of the problems with working 
cutting-edge comedy is confronting the 
occasional audience to whom political 
correctness is more important than laughs. 
“Subtlety and satire tend to be over- 
looked,” says Weinhold. “What my on- 
stage comic character says isn’t 
necessarily my personal point of view. I 
have a joke where I talk about cartoon 
characters, where I say I never liked 
Yosemite Sam because he was the first 
redneck. I kept waiting for him to make a 
mistake during a cartoon: ‘I hate rab- 
bits—and Jews!’ People hear ‘Jews,’ and 
their minds close down. They can be so 
politically correct and close-minded that 
the minute they hear a red-letter word, 
they don’t go any further, It’s like they’re 
saying, ‘Feed me what I want to hear. 
Keep doing what the Reagan years did.’ ” 
Weinhold slips some hilarious shock- 
ers into his act by adopting an alter ego: 
Slag Crasy—supremely decadent Victo- 
rian ne’er-do-well. A sample Slag line: 


90 


“My orgies are like the Special 
Olympics—lots of drooling, and every- 
one’s a winner.” 

“I’m obviously not saying that re- 
tarded people should be involved in or- 
gies,” says Weinhold, “but some people 
can’t separate sincerity from irony any- 
more. With audiences so hypersensitive, 
it’s harder to be funny.” 

Weinhold also has a character he de- 
scribes as a paramilitary hygiene-class 
instructor, a guy from the “50s who gives 
all the wrong information in health class: 
“Crabs start out small, but they can grow 
to the size of Dobermans. They can’t be 
cured, but they can be trained. The di- 
aphragm is used as a disguise for the 
vagina. It is applied with spirit gum and 
covered with makeup. When a pervert 
puts his hand on a little girl, he finds that 
the vagina has simply disappeared.” 

When Weinhold works in front of a 
less-than-appreciative crowd, he rarely 
backs down. “I tend to want to torture 
them more,” he claims. “I'll say, ‘To 
those of you who didn’t like that last 
joke, let me give you a holiday tip. If 
you’re planning on eating fruitcake, re- 
member the words of Oscar Wilde: 


‘Fruitcake is like semen. There’s tons of 
it about, but nobody wants to swallow.” ~ 

“The club scene’s dead,” declares 
Stephan at the Rainbow before his atten- 
tion shifts to the fetching waitress bring- 
ing pizza and drinks to the table. “God, I 
like the way she serves pizza. What was 
I saying? Does anyone care? Oh, yeah. 
The clubs are dead, They burnt them- 
selves out by using too many comics that 
just weren’t funny.” 

“The word is bland,” states MacDon- 
ald. “A lot of us want to go out there and 
say something. But it’s hard to do that 
when you've watched the act before you 
come out like whitebread bullshit, and 
the audience ts laughing it up. What are 
you going to do, be the guy that goes out 
and says, ‘Listen up, folks. This is how 
it’s really done’? Some nights I wish I 
could just put on a tape and lip-synch. 
It’s tough to shoot for the edge every 
night; you just want to get by—‘Here’s 
some stuff to make you laugh: now leave 
me alone.’ | don’t want to go out and 
say, ‘Racism is bad’ every night.” 

MacDonald remembers a night in par- 
ticular when he realized he had no 
choice but to dumb down his comedy for 
the crowd. “I was getting ready for a 
Showtime special, and I was working a 
club in Queens, New York. I had this 
anti-racism bit, and I wanted to put it 
right in the crowd’s face. There was a 
double act before me: two black guys. 
They were shucking and jiving, and, I 
swear to God, the only thing they didn’t 
do was ‘Feets, don’t fail me now.” And 
the crowd was eating it up. Am I—this 
white guy from Canada—going to walk 
out and say, ‘No, folks, that was wrong’? 
I couldn't do it.” 

“The real bottom line,” rebuts Stephan, 
“is that the waitresses in the clubs are hip 
to the comics now; so they don’t fuck 
them like they used to. At the beginning, 
we were like Elvis to the club-working 
girls. They’d fuck us easy. Now they're 
jaded. They don’t give a shit.” 

Kindler and MacDonald seem to be 
eyeing their colleague a bit quizzically. 

“Look,” Stephan explains, “some of us 
have different priorities. The club circuit 
for me was a way to pay the rent, get a lit- 
tle pussy and feel better about myself.” 

“Now the waitresses say, ‘You were 
really funny,’ like it’s a big surprise,” 
says MacDonald. “You wonder who the 
hell’s been playing there.” 

“Did I say pussy?” remarks Stephan. 
“IT meant hoochie.” 

a ae od 

“When there were 8 million clubs, it 
was easy to be a shitty comedian and 
work,” says comic Todd Glass. “It 
doesn’t sound like a bad thing to me that, 
as clubs close, some of these same shitty 


DECEMBER HUSTLER 


comedians can’t find gigs anymore.” 

Under 30, Glass already has a dozen 
years of comedy experience. “I don’t 
know one clever, respectable comic 
who’s leaving clubs to get his old job 
back,” he says optimistically. “Things 
are tight, but good comics find places to 
work. The clubs have just been saturated 
by everybody and his brother doing 
shtick. Just like with anything else, the 
bullshit sticks out. It’s a struggle to stay 
fresh and original, but good comics 
make that struggle. 

“When I hear a shitty comic say, 
‘Things are slow. I’m going back to my 
day job,’ I think, Good. I’m not afraid 
of competition. I love when I have to 
follow a funny comic—it makes me 
work harder.” 

* * a 

Stephan recalls a close encounter 
while working Las Vegas: “I was fuck- 
ing this girl on the balcony of the Dunes. 
I looked up, and there was my name on 
the sign. I went, ‘Ahhh,’ and she said, 
“Yeah, this is good,” and I said, ‘No— 
check out my name!’ I told that story on- 
stage, and it’s funny and honest and not 


LAW SCHOOL 


o 


92 


that dirty. I say fuck and shit in my act, 
but I talk that way all the time. My jokes 
aren’t dirty. They’re honest.” 

“Mostly, people get disturbed if you 
dig into issues important to them that 
they’re unused to laughing at,” says 
Kindler. “Lenny Bruce wasn’t persecuted 
so much for his language as for his con- 
tent. I’ve gotten a lot of flack for a Holo- 
caust bit. I have a line—‘Jews are 
nervous people. Nothing like a Holocaust 
to make you mind your p’s and q’s for a 
couple hundred years.’ This Jewish guy 
told me I was trivializing the issue and 
that I just shouldn’t talk about it. But I 
think I’m trivializing the trivializers, and 
I think you can talk about any subject.” 

“I had a handicapped guy in a 
wheelchair heckling me one night, and I 
told him I was going to take him out on 
the railroad tracks and push,” empha- 
sizes Stephan. “The audience got really 
quiet, but he said, ‘Fuck them. Thanks 
for treating me like everybody else.’ I 
wouldn’t use a handicapped joke every 
night, but that time it was funny. Being a 
bad-boy comic on the edge isn’t in the 
material. It’s your personality. Period. 


That’s all I have to say—I’ve got to go 
kill someone now.” 

“Everybody has this dark side that 
wants to shake things up,” says Kindler. 
“If it’s real, then it’s effective. But if 
you just want to shake things up be- 
cause you think it’s a cool thing to do, it 
comes off forced.” 

“Some guys start talking, and half the 
room leaves,” says MacDonald. “I try to 
include everybody and slip a little sub- 
stance in.” 

Stephan shrugs. “I closed with a dick 
joke on a TV show once. I just disguised 
it. Ill say ‘bamming’ or ‘bonking’ in- 
stead of ‘fuck.’ There’s always some 
way to get the message across.” 

“But nobody goes through life with- 
out making compromises,” admits 
Kindler. “You just don’t do it on the big 
issues. And sometimes when comics 
change words to make something work, 
it only ends up sounding lame.” 

“If that’s the case, they haven’t picked 
the right word,” answers Stephan. “I’ve 
asked a crowd, ‘How many men support 
women’s rights?’ and when they raise 
their hands, I'll either say, “Three guys 
are getting laid tonight,’ or ‘Three guys 
are gonna have sex tonight.’ If fuck is 
the only word that makes your joke, 
you're on the wrong track.” 

“There are a couple of tough words,” 
states MacDonald, “like the C-word.” 

“T have a joke with the C-word,” says 
Kindler. “I do an old comic reminiscing, 
‘One time I was doing a bit on the 
Tonight Show, and | was thinking, Don’t 
say pussy, Say vagina—don't say pussy, 
say vagina. I say “cunt.” I’m banned 
from the network five years! On cable 
that makes you a star.’ There’s no way 
to change that joke—what, don’t say 
‘foofie,” say ‘geshmuckie’?” 

“I don’t say cunt,” says Stephan. “I 
might talk about tit-fucking, but I 
wouldn't use the word cum. I'll say 
‘splew.” Men laugh, and women aren’t 
offended. Of course, in England, a cunt 
is a taxi; a fag is a cigarette.” 

* * * 

“I was doing a show up in Washing- 
ton,” recalls comic Stephen Dale of a 
memorable night on the road. “The room 
was packed, but the opener sucked. He 
was supposed to do 30 minutes, but he 
had five minutes of material. I hate fol- 
lowing that because the crowd thinks 
you're going to suck too. I go up after 
him with a shot of Cuervo and say: ‘Let 
me start this off with a toast. Here’s to the 
girl with the big old bouncers, here’s to 
the girl with the little half-ouncers, here’s 
to the guy who doesn’t care, ‘cause what 
he wants is in her underwear.’ That gets a 
cheer, and I do the shot. 

(continued on page 118) 


DECEMBER HUSTLER 


“It’s some telemarketer. Do you want to subscribe to Catholic Weekly?” 


“| don’t want to make a big deal out of it,” says 21-year-old Brandy, “but my mama always told me | stood out in a crowd!” 
The bright-eyed, native Oregonian shyly stretches from her balcony perch in glamorous Rio de Janeiro, Bragjjewhere her her 
solo dancing career is packing ‘em in at the clubs. nema 
“\'ve never had a problem giving my all in front of an audience,” asserts Brandy, soaking | up the early morning sunshine. 
“But | don’t want to have any attention | haven’t earned!” 
Trust your mama, Brandy. You deserve it. And then some. 


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Mi; Mona hired Tex, a local handyman, to install a 
partition between two rooms in her whorehouse. 

After completing the job, Tex informed Miss Mona 
that the bill came to $200. 

“Well, I haven’t got $200 here,” the madam said, 
“but you’re welcome to take it in trade.” 

“I don’t need pussy, ma’am,” Tex stated. “I need the 
money, and if you can’t pay me, I’ll have to tear out the 
partition.” 

“Don’t be silly,” Miss Mona chided. “For the kind of 
trade you can get here, you won’t even have the energy 
to tear out the partition.” 

Finally, the carpenter agreed—provided Miss Mona 
rendered the services herself. 

Once they got into bed, Tex quickly slipped his 
thumb inside Miss Mona’s pussy and his index finger 
deep up her ass. 

Tex spoke up. “Now let’s talk trade, Miss Mona. 
Either you pay me $200,” he offered, wiggling his dig- 
its, “or I will have to tear out the partition.” 


Qhestion: How do you stop a dog from humping 
your leg? 
Answer: Pick him up and suck his dick. 


Bi sat by himself in a bar. Every time he downed a 
drink, he snuck a quick look in his pants pocket and 
then ordered something more potent. 

The bartender eventually inquired as to what Bill was 
peeking at. 

“It’s a picture of my wife,” Bill answered. “I keep 
drinking long enough for her to start looking good. 
Then I go home.” 


Qhestion: Why will Poland declare war on the United 
States in about 15 years? 

Answer: That’s when they’re due to finally start 
understanding all those jokes. 


104 


Al ariem was stunned when a local beauty parlor 
offered a “de-coloring” process. For $99, the treatment 
promised to lighten the darkest skin and eyes, as well as 
straighten extremely nappy hair. 

Leroy wanted to give it a try. He dragged his home- 
boy Rufus with him to the beauty shop. A half hour 
later, Leroy emerged sporting luminescent pink skin 
and a head full of flowing blond locks. 

Rufus was floored. “You look great, man!” he raved. 
“I want to go next, but listen, I only got 98 bucks on 
me. Could you spare me the extra dollar?” 

Leroy’s blue eyes narrowed. “Get a job!” he hissed. 


Question: What do women and linoleum have in 
common? 

Answer: If you lay them right the first time, you can 
walk all over them for the next 20 years. 


Ben stood taking a leak in a public bathroom when a 
spastic-looking gent staggered in. The jerk walked with 
his arms extended from his sides, elbows bent and 
wrists dangling awkwardly. 

“Do me a favor, buddy,” he implored Ben. “Unzip 
my fly and take my pecker out.” 

Poor cripple, Ben thought. Maybe he was in an acci- 
dent. He obliged the man’s request. 

“And could you hold it while I pee?” asked the spazz. 

Ben did. 

“Now could you please give it a good shake and tuck 
it back in?” 

Ben followed the instructions, convinced that he was 
doing a good deed. 

“Thanks, toots,” the man chirped as he flounced 
toward the door. “I think my nails are dry now!” 


The HUSTLER Dictionary defines condom as: a 
planned parent hood. 


M.. Brown, a business executive, approached his 
new, very attractive secretary. 

“Susan,” he asked, “do you know the difference 
between a Caesar salad and a blowjob?” 

“No,” his assistant answered. 

“Great!” Brown trumpeted. “Let’s have lunch!” 


HUSTLER Humor jokes are sent to us by our readers. If 
you’ve heard a gut-buster lately, why not send it our 
way? Submit your jokes on 3" X 5" cards, mailed in a 
sealed envelope, to HUSTLER Humor, 9171 Wilshire 
Boulevard, Suite 300, Beverly Hills, CA 90210. If your 
joke is selected, we’ll send you a check for $50. Sorry — 
we cannot return submissions. @& 


DECEMBER HUSTLER 


The Food and Drug Administration 
[FDA] refers to aspartame—the chemi- 
cal widely known as NutraSweet—as a 
“food additive,” not a “drug.” Adverse 
reactions to a substance classified as a 
food additive need not be reported to a 
federal agency, nor is continued safety- 
monitoring required by law. 

Food additives are not noted to be 


causative agents in the development of 


brain lesions, headaches, mood alter- 
ations, skin polyps, blindness, brain tu- 
mors, insomnia or depression, nor are 
they known to erode intelligence or 
short-term memory. NutraSweet, ac- 
cording to some of the most capable 
scientists in the country, is. In 1991, the 
National Institute of Health—a branch 
of the Department of Health and Hu- 
man Services—published Adverse Ef- 
fects of Aspartame, listing the 
aforementioned side effects among ap- 
proximately 167 reasons to avoid the 
substance. 

Aspartame is an rDNA derivative, a 
combination of two amino acids. The 
U.S. Pentagon once listed it in an inven- 
tory of prospective biochemical-warfare 
weapons submitted to Congress. Instead 


“ine - 


to ee Sa 


o 


— 


of poisoning enemy populations, though, 

the formula is currently marketed as a 

sweetening agent in some 1,200 food 

products. 
* 


% * 
G. D. Searle—the pharmaceutical firm 
that introduced NutraSweet—vigorously 
lobbied federal and Congressional offi- 
cials to move aspartame to market, de- 
spite substantial evidence of the 
chemical’s detrimental side effects. 

According to NutraSweet’s public-re- 
lations depiction, the origin of aspartame 
can be traced to a scientist developing an 
ulcer drug (not a “food additive”) in 
1966. Purportedly, the man discovered 
upon carelessly licking his fingers that 
the substance under scrutiny tasted ex- 
traordinarily sweet. Thus was born the 
successor to saccharin, which is a coal-tar 
derivative that was popular as an artifi- 
cial sweetener until reports of cancer- 
causing properties surfaced. 

Established in 1888 on the North 
Side of Chicago, G. D. Searle manufac- 
tures everything from prescription 
drugs to nuclear-imaging optical equip- 
ment. At the time of the company’s ac- 
quisition by commodities colossus 


SWANS [ghee 


‘atch the new guy; word is he fingered his partners.” 


108 


Monsanto Corporation in 1985, the 
firm’s chairman was Harvard graduate 
William L. Searle, who was an officer 
in the Army Chemical Corps in the 
early 1950s, a time when the division 
was testing LSD on human subjects in 
concert with the CIA. 

The Center for Disease Control 
[CDC] in Atlanta, Georgia, reports re- 
ceiving stacks of letters complaining of 
NutraSweet’s adverse effects. Accord- 
ing to the National Soft Drink Associa- 
tion [NSDA]: “There have been 
hundreds of reports from around the 
country suggesting a possible relation- 
ship between consumption of Nu- 
traSweet and subsequent symptoms 
including headaches, aberrational be- 
havior and slurred speech.” 

FDA Commissioner Arthur Hull 
Hayes, appointed by Ronald Reagan in 
April of 1981, discounts such com- 
plaints as merely anecdotal. Despite 
what one FDA scientist described as 
“very serious” questions concerning 
pivotal brain tumor tests, Hayes eagerly 
approved aspartame for use in dry foods 
in July 1981. Three FDA scientists ad- 
vised against such approval, citing G. 
D. Searle’s own brain tumor tests, 
which contained no proof that aspar- 
tame was safe for consumption as a 
food additive under its intended condi- 
tions of use. 

Commissioner Hayes ignored the rec- 
ommendations of the FDA’s own board 
of inquiry, relying instead on a study 
conducted by Japan’s Ajinomoto, 
Inc.—a licensee of G. D. Searle. In so 
doing, Hayes based his approval of as- 
partame on the Japanese test, although 
the testing procedures had not been re- 
viewed by the FDA board, as is re- 
quired by federal law. 

Not only did Hayes approve a product 
based on studies that were “scientifically 
lacking in design and execution,” ac- 
cording to a report issued by Science 
Times in February of 1985, but upon 
leaving the FDA, Hayes took the post of 
senior medical consultant for Burson- 
Marsteller, the public relations firm re- 
tained by G. D. Searle. 

* * * 

Aspartame found early opposition in 
consumer attorney James Turner, author 
of The Chemical Feast. At his own ex- 
pense, Turner fought FDA approval of 
the sweetener for ten years, basing his 
argument on aspartame’s potential side 
effects, particularly on children. Sharing 
Turner’s concerns, Dr. John Olney, pro- 
fessor of neuropathology and psychiatry 
at the Washington School of Medicine in 
St. Louis, Missouri, reported that clinical 
tests indicated aspartame, combined with 
monosodium glutomate [MSG]—a com- 


DECEMBER HUSTLER 


“Charles is such a computer nut! With this new network he hooked up to, I just can’t get him away from it!” 


Sweet Poison 


mon seasoning—increased the likelihood 
of certain forms of brain damage occur- 
ring in children. 

Internally, aspartame breaks down 
into not only its constituent amino acids, 
but into methanol as well, a poisonous 
liquid alcohol that degrades into 
formaldehyde. The FDA announced in 
1984 that no evidence has been found to 
establish that aspartame’s methanol by- 
product reaches toxic levels, claiming 
that “many fruit juices contain higher 
levels of the natural compound.” How- 
ever, the Medical World News reported 
in 1978 that the methanol content of as- 
partame is 1,000 times greater than most 
foods under FDA control. 

According to independent tests, aspar- 
tame intake is shown by animal studies 
to alter brain chemicals affecting behav- 
ior. Aspartame’s effects on the brain led 
Massachusetts Institute of Technology 
[MIT] neuroscientist Richard Wurtman 
to discover that the sweetener defeats its 
purpose as a diet aid, since high doses of 
aspartame apparently instill a craving for 
calorie-laden carbohydrates. In addition, 
Wurtman’s pilot studies found that the 
NutraSweet/carbohydrate combination 


increases the sweetener’s effect on brain 
composition. 

Searle officials denigrated Wurtman’s 
findings, but the American Cancer Soci- 
ety has since confirmed—after tracking 
weight fluctuations in 80,000 women for 
six years—that “among women who 
gained weight, artificial-sweetener users 
gained more than those who didn’t use 
the products.” 

* ca * 

According to findings by Dr. Paul 
Spiers, a neuropsychologist at Boston’s 
Beth Israel Hospital, aspartame can de- 
press intelligence. In clinical tests, Spiers 
analyzed subjects with a history of con- 
suming NutraSweet, who were unaware 
that they might be suffering ill effects 
from the sweetener. The subjects were 
given NutraSweet in capsules containing 
the FDA’s allowable daily limit. 

Spiers was alarmed to discover that the 
test subjects developed cognitive deficits. 
One of Spiers’s tests required mental re- 
call of pattern arrangements and alphabet- 
ical sequences. The quiz is challenging, 
but most people improve as they learn 
how it is done. Aspartame users, discov- 
ered Spiers, did not improve. 


2A 


CLUB 


STUDIOS 


“Some showed a reverse pattern,” 
states Spiers. 

“T have received a letter recently from 
a person who is well known to me, and 
whose word is impeccable, as far as I am 
concerned,” testified Senator Russell 
Long (D-Louisiana) at the May 1985 
FDA hearings instigated by Senator 
Howard Metzenbaum (D-Ohio) to re- 
puire stricter labeling of NutraSweet in 
food products. “This person told me that, 
while dieting, she had been using soft 
drinks containing NutraSweet. She said 
she found her memory slipping. She 
could not recall a good bit of that which 
was going on about her, to the extent that 
she was afraid she was losing her mind. 
In due course, someone suggested that 
the problem might be due to Nu- 
traSweet; so she stopped using it, and 
her memory came back and her mind 
was restored.” 

“There have been hundreds of inci- 
dences of people who have suffered loss 
of memory, headaches, dizziness and 
other neurological symptoms, which they 
feel are related to aspartame,” noted Met- 
zenbaum, supporting Long’s concern. 

* * * 


As far back as March 1976, an FDA 
task force brought into question all of 
G. D. Searle’s aspartame-testing proce- 
dures conducted between 1967 and 
1975. The final FDA report noted 
faulty and fraudulent product testing, 
knowingly misrepresented findings and 
instances of irrelevant or unproductive 
animal research where experiments had 
been poorly conceived, carelessly exe- 
cuted or inaccurately analyzed. 

The FDA’s chief counsel, Richard 
Merrill, petitioned Samuel K. Skinner, 
U.S. Attorney for the northern district of 
Illinois, for a grand jury investigation of 
Searle’s willful and knowing failure to 
submit required test reports, the conceal- 
ment of material facts and the com- 
pany’s false statements in reports on 
aspartame submitted to the agency. 

Searle company officials turned to 
longtime Washington politico Donald 
Rumsfeld, a former Nixon and Ford Ad- 
ministration operative, electing him the 
chairman of the Searle organization. In- 
dustry analysts, interviewed by the Wal/ 
Street Journal six months after Rums- 
feld’s appointment as chairman, noted a 
rapid turnabout in Searle’s fortunes as a 
result of Rumsfeld’s direction. 

Reported the Wall Street Journal in 
1977, Rumsfeld “has been mending 
fences with the FDA by personally ask- 
ing top agency officials what Searle 
should do to straighten out its reputation 
{regarding falsifying and withholding as- 
partame test data].” 

In January of 1977, the FDA for- 


DECEMBER HUSTLER 


“Dispatch—send a paramedic with a bucket of warm water to the park. We’ve got another one stuck.” 


Sweet Poison 


mally requested that U.S. Attorney 
Samuel Skinner be hired to investigate 
G. D. Searle’s aspartame-testing proce- 
dures. A month later, Skinner met with 
attorneys from Searle’s Chicago law 
firm, Sidley & Austin. When newly 
elected President Jimmy Carter an- 
nounced that same year that Skinner 
would not be asked to remain in office, 
Skinner informed reporters that he 
would be hired by Sidley & Austin. 

Skinner recused himself from the 
Searle prosecution. Senior Assistant U.S. 
Attorney William Conlon inherited the 
case. Conlon eased off the investigation, 
citing caseload pressures, and gave a 
deaf ear to complaints of delays from the 
Justice Department, which urged that a 
grand jury be convened to prosecute 
Searle for falsifying NutraSweet test 
data. In January 1979, Conlon too joined 
Searle’s law firm, Sidley & Austin. 

In its bid to obtain FDA approval of 
aspartame in 1975, G. D. Searle submit- 
ted a battery of cancer-test results, titled 
the Willigan Report, which contained a 
statistical table that wrongly excluded 
four malignant, aspartame-related mam- 
mary tumors detected by Dr. Willigan 


IN AINE” | [RSL 


Farhi 


-— 


and incorporated in his initial data. 
Somehow, the malignancies were made 
to appear benign. Searle dismissed the 
misrepresentation as a computer error, 
claiming that the unfavorable mammary 
malignancy data were innocently omit- 
ted from the summary table four separate 
times by three different individuals. 

One pivotal safety study involved fetal 
damage. The FDA task force found that 
the medical researcher in charge at Searle 
was inexperienced in conducting studies 
of this nature. The researcher’s sole cre- 
dential was a field study of the cottontail 
rabbit for the Illinois Wildlife Service; 
yet at Searle he’d been assigned to labo- 
ratory training and supervision. When 
asked about his curriculum vitae in fetal 
research, the researcher replied that he'd 
once attended a seminar on the subject, 
and the Searle company had provided 
him with a library of reference works. 

The Willigan report was prepared by 
Searle Labs. Although two members of 
the 1975 federal task force considered 
the mishandled Willigan tests to be 
fraudulent, FDA Commissioner Hayes 
and Searle representatives declared the 
results valid. 


“Guess we'd better take the country music off the jukebox.” 


112 


Dr. Gross, the chief scientist on the 
FDA task force investigating Searle, told 
the CBS Nightly News staff in January of 
1984 that Searle company officials made 
“deliberate decisions” to cloak aspar- 
tame’s toxic effects. 

“Searle took great pains to camouflage 
the shortcomings of the study,” claimed 
Gross. “And they did other terrible 
things. For instance, animals would de- 
velop tumors while they were under 
study. Well, Searle would remove these 
tumors from the animals [surgically 
masking possible cancerous effects of 
aspartame ].” 

In November of 1984, the CDC an- 
nounced that no “serious, widespread” 
side effects of aspartame had been 
found. It was “unlikely,” said CDC offi- 
cials, that “complainers” could establish 
a link between NutraSweet and their 
maladies. The reported side effects of as- 
partame fell into two distinct categories: 
central nervous system (65%) and gas- 
trointestinal disorders (24%). Yet the 
CDC claimed erroneously that no consis- 
tent reaction pattern had been found. 

Based on the assurances of the 
November 1984 CDC report, soft drink 
colossus PepsiCo announced that it was 
dropping saccharin and adopting aspar- 
tame as the sweetener in all its diet 
drinks. When soda bottlers petitioned the 
FDA in 1983 for a delay in approval of 
NutraSweet for soft drinks until further 
evaluation verified its safety, the move 
was interpreted by market analysts as a 
ploy to drive down the price of the 
sweetener. The cola companies soon 
abandoned the effort to block approval 
and seemingly dropped all health con- 
cerns they might have had as well. 

Senator Metzenbaum berated Searle’s 
apparently flawed aspartame tests at 
Senate hearings on August 1, 1985. 

“The FDA,” said Metzenbaum, “is 
content to have the manufacturer of as- 
partame, G. D. Searle, conduct [all nec- 
essary safety] studies of the substance. 
That’s absurd.” 

The Journal of the American Medical 
Association recently reported—with sig- 
nificant disclaimers 
tion of aspartame poses no health risk for 
most people. However, the report is 
based on FDA findings relying solely on 
the tests conducted by G. D. Searle. 

Executives of G. D. Searle argue that 
the use of aspartame as an artificial 
sweetener has been officially approved 
not only by the FDA but by foreign regu- 
latory agencies and the World Health Or- 
ganization. Reviewing the foreign studies 
on aspartame safety, however, Dr. H. J. 
Roberts, an internal medicine specialist 
in West Palm Beach, Florida, found that 

(continued on page 118) 


DECEMBER HUSTLER 


Longtime roommates tend to grow apart, but the chilly slopes of Big Bear, 
California, bring hot-blooded Chasey and Noelle together. 
“Snow angels ain’t got a thing on us!’ laughs Chasey, pressing a fiery 
tongue against Noelle’s wind-whipped nooks. “Want to make a 
slushie”’ Chasey teases her recalcitrant roomie, proffering a ball 
of the white. 
“Get it away! Nothing will get me to touch that cold stuff?’ 
chirps Noelle. 
Noelle squirms away from the 
encroaching snow, snuggling 
closer to Chasey’s hot box. 
Chasey grins. It’s always 
her idea to come to the 


mountains. 


er KS 
‘ 4 ) 
how ee 


“The next thing I know, I get a bottle 
of tequila sent up to the stage. The audi- 
ence bought it for me. I said, ‘I’m not 
going to leave the stage until I finish 
this.” They got into it. I ended up doing 
about 13 shots, and I had to do a two- 
hour show just to stagger the shots so I 
wouldn’t puke. 

“A third of the way through, the bar- 
tender brought a hotel-room key up to 
the stage and told me it was from a very 
cute woman. I made jokes about how the 
key was probably to a janitor’s closet. I 
said, ‘I’m here to entertain you people. 
If she wants me that bad, she can wait.’ 

“At the end of the show, I finished the 
last shot and mooned the audience. I 
couldn’t think of anything better to do 
after 13 shots of Cuervo. I got a standing 
ovation, but a couple of women from a 
Lutheran convention had come in, and 
they called the cops on me. By the time 
the cops got there, I’d left the stage and 
had met up with the good-looking blonde 
who went with the hotel key. While the 
cops were scouring the club looking for 
my ass, I was across the street getting 
some. That was a good night’s work.” 

co * * 

Most of the time, taking the risks that 
come along with cutting-edge standup 


only make a hard job even harder. 

“Every time you don’t get the laugh, 
you have to ask why,” Kindler con- 
cludes. “Jonathan Winters said that most 
people don’t have a sense of humor. 
They think they do, but they don’t. I 
think that’s true.” 

Still, the payoff’s in the spotlight. 

“When I’m onstage, that’s the happi- 
est hour of my life,” says Stephan. 
“There’s no bill collectors, there’s no 
chick fucking another guy, my mom’s 
not on the phone telling me to wear a 
sweater. It’s euphoria. I can control that 
hour. When I step off the stage, real life 
begins, and I can’t control that.” 

“Club owners aren’t just paying me 
for the hour onstage,” says MacDonald. 
“They’re paying for the other 23 hours. 
Me in a taxi, me in a shitty hotel. 
They’re paying for everything else, and 
I’m throwing in the show for free.” 

“It’s time to weed out the guys who 
should be selling shoes,” agrees Stephan. 
“As clubs close, comics are gonna get 
stronger. I want to be big enough that I 
can walk into any sorority house in 
America, and 20 out of 25 women will 
look at me and say, ‘I'll fuck him.’ ” 

“Twenty out of 25?” checks Kindler. 

“You have to figure the other five are 
lesbians,” answers Stephan. 

“But you'll always be thinking, How 
come those other five didn't go for it?” 
adds MacDonald. @& 


HOW To KECOGNIZE A GOOD TIME GIRL 


118 


GIVE ME A SPERM 
“AND TONIC, PLEASE. 


Sweet Poison 


the approval of the majority of foreign 
agencies was based on contestable 
Searle-sponsored aspartame research, not 
independently conducted tests. 

In August of 1987, the University of 
Illinois, a recipient of funding from 
Monsanto (Searle’s parent corporation), 
issued a study exonerating aspartame of 
causing seizures in laboratory animals. 

FDA safety regulator Dave Hattan be- 
lieves that the study only confirmed the 
need for testing on humans. In indepen- 
dent tests, insists Hattan, aspartame pro- 
voked seizures in laboratory animals. 

* * * 

In 1985, a coalition of consumer 
groups were handed a ruling by the Fed- 
eral Circuit Court of Appeals for the 
District of Columbia stating that, in the 
opinion of the Court, the FDA had fol- 
lowed proper procedures in approving 
aspartame for use in foods and soft 
drinks. A year later, the Washington 
Post reported that the Supreme Court re- 
fused to consider arguments to the con- 
trary “despite critics’ arguments that the 
product, sold under the brand name Nu- 
traSweet, may cause brain damage.” 

Recently denied publication of his 
short brief Aspartame-Associated Con- 
fusion and Memory Loss: A Possible 
Human Model for Early Alzheimer’s 
Disease in a peer-review medical jour- 
nal, Dr. H. J. Roberts wonders at the 
cause of the rejection. 

“For a report on this issue to be re- 
fused publication seems peculiar,” says 
Roberts, author of Aspartame (Nu- 
traSweet): Is It Safe? (Charles Press, 
Philadelphia, 1990), “considering the 
increasing magnitude of the problems 
of Alzheimer’s disease and the rele- 
vance of my observations to newer bio- 
chemical findings and avenues of 
research.” 

According to Roberts, researchers 
seeking to publish articles concerning 
problematic, health-related reactions to 
products containing NutraSweet are gen- 
erally limited to burying their findings in 
small-circulation journals such as the 
bulletins of county medical societies, re- 
porting their research results in the form 
of a letter to a magazine or newspaper, 
or, most often, they must simply discard 
the project. 

Should a researcher’s findings hap- 
pen to favor the benign characteristics 
of aspartame, however, professional 
prospects may be brighter. Reportedly, 
Monsanto granted one such Nu- 
traSweet research facility a $1.3-mil- 
lion honorarium. 


DECEMBER HUSTLER 


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Chargemy [CIVISA [JMC 


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cybersex n. (sigh-burr-sex)—a sexual encounter that one experiences utilizing the new 


technology of “virtual reality,” i.e. not occurring in reality, but with all the sensations, pleasure, 
and orgasmic response of real sex so faithfully duplicated, as to be virtually indistinguishable 
from the real thing. (See also cybersexual intercourse.) 


Virtual Reality is the most phenomenal 

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The whole worid Is talking about it: The Los Angeles 
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experience so indistinguishable from the real thing, 
that It has been dubbed “VIRTUAL REAILTY.” 
Since the mind's conscious interpretation of 
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human experience can be synthesized, re- 
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any subject (you), like today’s video cassettes, but on 
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As a medium of entertainment, however, Its 
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research new entertainment technologies came upon 
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Frequency often depends on 


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depends entirely on 
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mood and receptiveness of 
female partner 

Risk Of pregnancy/disease 
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Infrequent/not always 


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nice car, a nice pad, nice 


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CYBERTEGH 
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clothes, and plenty of money 


Please note — Virtual reality experience |s entirely 
dependent on the orientation of the user - gay, straight, 
bisexual, groups, “kinky,” or whatever - there Is no 
sexual discrimination In virtual 

Perhaps the most wonderful thing about 
technology Is that it constantly seeks to Improve upon 
Itself, A decade ago, video cassette ers cost In 
excess Of $1,000; today they are little more than a tenth 
of that, And the same is true of Virtual Reality 
technology; the components that used to cost 
thousands of dollars can now be had for far less. This 


Betty Jo and Darryl Sanderson, Spokane, WA* 


A consultant named Peter Webber, whose firm 
had been contracted by major movie studios to 


Cybersex ® Home VR Simulator System(s). For 
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| 
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fact, coupled with the tremendous resources available | each system ordered. 
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HOME VR = SIMULATOR SYSTEM. So that the marvels of : 
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MUSTLER 


Holiday issue on sale October 25, 1994 
oa TICKLED PINK 
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HUSTLER’s Holiday Issue puckers up for the biggest score of 94 with 12 pairs 
of lickable, north-and-south lips on six silky party dolls. Beat around the bush 
with a muff-mashing, ass-flashing, migrant gringa trading toil-in-the-soil for a 
muscle-driven plow; stir up a barrier-breaking beach frolic with a thoroughbred 
black beauty lip-gripping a rosy-cheeked brunette who doesn’t pale from ebony 
tail; set sights on a bright-eyed, tight-thighed, jersey-fed jezebel taking southern- 
glory inventory in a toe-held mirror; bask in the betassled boudoir of a bed-bound 
beauty dressing up to put out; and kick back with a nasty-minded homegirl de- 
termined to squeeze the best out of all her bad habits before making New Year's 
resolutions. HUSTLER’s Holiday Issue parties hard. Save some for seconds. 


DEADLY DAMES 

According to crime statistics, more than 2,000 women commit murder each year, 
yet a small fraction of women found guilty are ever sentenced to death. For the 
few female killers who are condemned to be executed, there exists only a 2% 
chance the death sentence will be carried out. Since the enactment of new capi- 
tal-punishment laws in the early 1970s, nearly 200 men have been executed, but 
only one woman. Today, more than 2,500 men crowd the nation’s death rows. 
Thirty-three women await the same fate. Crime reporter Tom W. Kuncl profiles 
the deadliest women marked for—but still cheating—execution in Sorority Row, 
a chilling look at the women who take lives, though the legal system bends its 
rules to\spare theirs. 


CLINTON CONSPIRACIES 

By the time former Arkansas state troopers brought claims against President Bill 
Clinton alleging they had arranged secret sexual liaisons for the then-governor of 
the Land of Opportunity, Clinton had already been linked to the coverup of a 
covert guns-and-drugs operation being run out of an obscure airstrip in tiny 
Mena, Arkansas. The body count among Clinton's camp exceeded statistical 
norms before the suicide of Deputy White House Counsel Vince Foster. Al- 
though it wasn’t revealed at qualifying hearings concerning Clinton's pick for 
Secretary of Defense, Bobby Ray Inman, Admiral Inman was famed among 
UFOlogists for having verified to a retired NASA engineer the existence of 
MJ{2, the long-rumored, top-secret government task force on extraterrestrial- 
ism. These and other missing chapters in the official record of the Clinton Ad- 
ministration’s first 1,000 days are recounted by writer Kenn Thomas in Wife 
House Daze, a provocative investigation into the shadows the President casts. 


SHOTS IN THE DARK 

Amotivated libido syndrome is either a curse or a blessing for the X-genera- 
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HUSTLER’s Holiday Issue is a gift that keeps giving. Get some. 


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