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IUSTLER 


Bits & Pieces ‘9 Ad Parody 

Discover a Nude Way to Get High and HUSTLER Athletic Wear 

Why We're Not Gay 

Edited by Scott Schalin ’ Prescription High 
The Case for Medical Marijuana 

Staff Exposure Report by Don Vaughan 

Inside a HUSTLER Editor's Desk Drawer 
Bo 

) Feedback Thumb Stuck 

Addressing Readers’ Deepest Thoughts Photography by Suze Randall 

An Affair to Confessions of an 

Remember X-Rated Crack 

HUSTLER's 20th Anniversary Party Addict 
Talk of Tush and Technique With 

§ HUSTLER’s Contest Buttman Creator John Stagliano 

Corner Report by Selwyn Harris 

Why | Should Be Courtney Love's 

ae Dick ’ } May Yum and Victor 
Skin Pop 

Rk Beaver Hunt Photography by Clive McLean 
Spotlight 


Neighborhood SWAT 


ee Honeys Get a Page Home-Front Warriors Defend the 
Heartland 
2 An illustrated Elite-Force Overview by Adam Parfrey 
Directory Lynette 
The Seven Deadly Quims: Women as Out Soakin’ 
the Root of All Temptation Photography by Matti Klatt 
Hot Letters nh? Draghixa 
A Man Gets on His Knees and Plays ~ Fur on the Fly 
Centerfold Photography by Clive McLean 
|) Ad Parody 
Smears Department Store HUSTLER Humor 
~~ Edited by Mike McPadden and 
2 Erotic Jeanne Diamond 
Entertainment 
Poke the Amazingly Lifelike Pussy Bb Shauna and 
of Savannah Nichelle 
Edited by Mike McPadden Skid Markers 


Photography by Matti Klatt 


2 A Funny Photoplay 
~ HUSTLER’s World of Schoolyard Wit Beaver Hunt 
First-Timers Spread Like the Pros 


iQ Ad Parody 
~ Semen Breeze 


14 Sex Play 

Through the Nose: The Allure of 
Women Who Stink 

by Alex Marvel 


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Subscriber copies mailed in unmarked, sealed envelopes! 


Send a special 6-issue introductory subscription to 
HUSTLER for only $19.95, for a savings of 33% off the 
cover price! 

My subscription: Gift: 


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Signature 


HUSTLER, P.O. Box 474, Mt. Morris, IL 61054 


LARRY FLYNT 
editor and publisher 


JIM KOHLS 


president 


DONNA HAHNER 


corporate vice-president 


ALLAN MacDONELL 


executive editor 


W. T. NELSON 


art director 


TIM CONAWAY, JEANNE DIAMOND 


humor and cartoon editors 


TIM POWER, SCOTT SCHALIN 


associate editors 


MIKE McPADDEN 


entertainment editor 


KIM TURNER 
copy chiet 


JENNIFER WOLFE 
research director 
LISA JENIO, copy editor 
KRISTIN CONRAD, CATRINA MASON, 
editorial assistants 


COMPUTER GRAPHICS 
JOHN THOMPSON, ANDREA LANDRUM, 
network systems managers 
BOBBIE KAMINSKI, AMANDO MICLAT, 
network systems operators 


PHOTOGRAPHY 
ELIZABETH BERRIOS, talent coordinator 
JAMES BAES, MATT] KLATT, 

CLIVE McLEAN, LAD! VON JANSKY, 
photographers 
KENNETH DeMARTINES, production designer 


STEPHANIE DeGHUEE, photo administrator 
LORETTA SMITH, studio director 
BORIS SOLORZANO, studio coordinator 


PRODUCTION 
CYNTHIA PATTERSON, JOHN A. MOZZER, 
production coordinators 
MICHELLE JEWORSKI, 
production ossistont 


ADVERTISING 
ALLEN MAINE, national advertising director, 
(310) 858-7155 
MAGGIE CHUN, advertising production director 
TODD CROSS, advertising production coordinator 


SUBSCRIPTIONS 
TRISH HAMM, subscription director 


THOMAS CANDY, vice-president, finance 
JIM GUSTAFSON, vice-president, sales 
PERRY GRAYSON, vice-president, advertising 


HUSTLER (ISSN-0149-4635), Vol 21, No. 3, September 1994. The U.S. edition of 
MUSTLER is publishes mon nid with one exces phon, twice a month lu 


Nothing may b ber eproduced in whole of in part without written per: 

the publisher. Return postage must accompany all manusc 
drawings, etc., if they are to be returned, and no respec 

assumed for unsolicited maternal. Letters sent t HUSTLER wall 
unconditionally assigned for publication and copynght pur es 
subject to HUSTLER’s right to edit and comment editorially. Any sin 
between persons and places depicted in the fiction sections 
magazine and actual persons or places is purely coincidental. A 
posed by professional models except as otherwise noted. Neith 
photos nor words used to describe them are meant to depict models’ acta 
conduct, statements of personalibes. 


SUBSCRIPT on INFORMATION For custo lomer service, c 


Aad $10.00 U St ful nds per year. Si ing) gec 

Edition $5.99 (add $1 postage per copy): 3 

represent HUSTLER’s standard subse nrate and should 
confused with special subscription offers somedmes advertised. C 
address: Allow six weeks’ advance notice and send in both your o! 
new address, POSTMASTER: Send change of address to: HUSTLER, P.0 
Box 474, Mt. Morris, iL 61054. Second-class postage paid at Beverly Hills, 
CA, and at additional mailing offices. Printed in the USA. HUSTLER is 
registered in the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office 


All nude models are 18 years of age or older 


Cover photo by Suze Randall 


All shit chutes may be created 
equal, but some turd funnels try 
harder. Such a set of overachieving 
sphincters is Glen Campbell, the 
hardest-working brown-ring in 
showbiz, and HUSTLER’s holier- 
than-thou Asshole of the Month for 
September 1994. 

Campbell's new autobiography, 
Rhinestone Cowboy (Villard Books), 
is a self-bestowed lifetime-achieve- 
ment award for feculence beyond 
the call of decency. With all false 
modesty, the cover blurb proclaims 
that Rhinestone Cowboy is Glen's 
“personal gift of thanks to the mil- 
lions who have supported him 
through decades of good times and 
bad.” This “personal gift” retails for 
22 bucks a pop ($29.50 in Canada). 

Campbell's ego-propelled tome 
follows the entertainer’s transfor- 
mation from a coke bore into a Bible 
humper who appears frequently on 
Pat Robertson's 700 Club. Unfortu- 
nately, while orchestrating Camp- 
bell's conversion to born-again 
self-righteousness, God neglected 
to instill into the warbling singer the 
simple Christian virtue of humility. 

“Today they would say | was a 
child prodigy,” boasts Glen of his 
early guitar prowess. Unmitigated 
self-exaltation saturates the section 
of the book detailing cowboy Glen's 
rise to superstardom. Not only does 
Campbell—who has the gall to 
plead pure intentions in adulterous 
liaisons—claim an almost divinely 
guided ability to pick a hit song and 
a singing voice indistinguishable 
from Elvis Presley's, he seems to be- 
lieve his music can bring peace to 
Northern Ireland. 


lichael Fay: Through his work 


Tensions were high one night 
when the Campbell band played 
Belfast. “I don’t want to take credit 
where credit isn’t due, nor do | want 
to be overly dramatic,” protests 
Glen before overly dramatically tak- 
ing credit where credit isn’t due: 
“But who knows what kind of riot 
might or might not have transpired 
had our singing not soothed the city 
on that potentially explosive night?” 

Glen's flops, his failed marriages, 
bad press he's received? Generally, 
they're the fault of someone else. 
Even his personal cocaine holocaust 
was sparked, to hear Glen tell it, by 
wife number two, Billie Jean. 

Having been married to Campbell 
for 16 years, Billie Jean felt she had 
suffered enough. She refused to be 


Farts in the Wind 


interviewed for Rhinestone Cowboy 
and asked that she not be included. 
She succumbed to cancer shortly 
before the book's publication, and 
spiritual spokesman Glen Campbell 
refused her dying wish for privacy. 

Campbell rationalizes his exten- 
sive documentation of Billie Jean: “! 
have been forgiven by God for my 
transgressions, and hope that Billie 
and others | might have wronged 
have forgiven me too.” 

lf God has seen fit to forgive 
Glen Campbell, why can’t the saved 
singer bring himself to forgive any- 
body else? He resentfully rattles off 
the exact dollar figures Billie spent 
on constructing a house in 1973, as 
though the financial outlay pains 
him to this day. His incessant whin- 


ing hits a strident pitch when he be- 
wails publishing companies who he 
feels shorted him on a fee 30 years 
ago, whimpering despite annual 
earnings that continue to top the 
million-dollar mark. He lambastes 
country crooner Tanya Tucker and 
includes his business manager's 
defamation of Tucker. Tucker's sin 
seems to have occurred when, as a 
21-year-old, she led astray Camp- 
bell—a man more than twice her 
age—after he had burned out a 
marriage to a woman who was still 
the wife of one of Glen’s friends 
when he started boning her. 

“My days of hypocrisy are long 
gone,” hypothesizes Campbell in a 
prelude to the following two-faced 
narrations: Reveals that third wife, 
Sarah, confessed to an extramarital 
affair while married to Mac Davis. 
Passes along secondhand gossip 
smearing Dean Martin. Voices in- 
dignation that a TV producer would 
attend to Tanya Tucker as Glen had 
attended to Mac Davis's wife. 
Opines that freedom of speech does 
not include the right to suppress 
someone else's freedom of speech 
in regard to school prayer—yet 
suggests that TV audiences should 
have no choice in what they watch. 
Wonders why the press has the 
right to print negative stories about 
his personal life—yet trashes in 
print all who have transgressed 
against him. 

If Rhinestone Cowboy is any indi- 
cation, God has spent too much time 
saving Glen Campbell, time that 
might have been better spent else- 
where. Despite heavenly guidance, 
Campbell has ended up an Asshole. 


vehicle owners. Like Singapore, 


spray nainting automobiles that 
did not belong to him, and his 
lamenting the “unfair” conse- 
quences of his own actions, 


Michael Fay has shown the world 
that he is a craven teenage punk, 
the type of cowardly pissant who 
gives young Americans a bad 
name wherever they might go. For 
his confessed part in vandalizing 


HUSTLER SEPTEMBER 


18 cars in a Singapore parking lot, 
Fay got his ass whipped with four 
strokes of a rattan stick. This pun- 
ishment was practically an interna- 
tional incident, but if the malicious 
pussy had been caught defacing 
cars in one of many American 
neighborhoods, he might have 
been shot dead by the outraged 


this country has no tolerance for 
Assholes. 

tom: President Clinton has 
einoested that adults who enjoy 
target shooting with semi-auto- 
matic assault rifles might be better 
off “reading a good book.” One 
such book springs to mind: How to 
Pick Up Girls Without Being Called 
an Asshole. 


bits & pieces 


Stool Life 


Witness the most important artis- 
tic unveiling of the 20th century! 
HUSTLER is proud to display the 
winning masterwork of the do-it- 
yourself Bits & Pieces contest fea- 
tured in our June °94 issue. 
Congratulations to John “Flush 
Flush” Baughman of Cincinnati, 
Ohio, whose symbolic setting of the 
shit-stack atop Shannen Doherty's 

head is the crowning achievement of : 
an inspired piece of art. The abstract 
placement of the severed penis re- 
veals Flush Flush’s cubist influence 
and epitomizes man’s eternal quest 
for sturdy resilience in an often- 
shitty world. In the end, with the in- 
clusion of the sphincter sun, this 
colonic collage runs rings around 
the competition. In reward of his 
| effort, Baughman receives a mini- 
subscription to HUSTLER and a 
place in history as one of Amer- 
ica’s most impotent idealists. (At 
right: A portrait of the young 
artist in his study.) 


i, 
4 
i\\ 


“Most: Tasteless CA 


Punishment is stiff for for those who submit 
those who flip through classic prurient poses to 
Bits & Pieces without HUSTLER’s Porn From 
reading every word. Wal- the Past, 9171 Wilshire 
ter Branche, however, Boulevard, Suite 300, 
can soothe his sores with Beverly Hills, CA 90210. 
the $150 he'll receive for Include a self-addressed, 
this month’s naughty stamped envelope if you 
nostalgia. There’s no want the material re- 
pain and possible gain | turned. 


. SEPTEMBER HUSTLER 


AD PARODY. NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY 


rr 


Like 


Geezer Spirit 


Throughout a man’s for- 
mative years, getting laid 
is often a difficult, hit-or- 
miss proposition. Yet, 
many guys who fail to nail 
nookie regularly as young- 
sters somehow find a flock 


of fuckmates after reach- 
ing their golden years. 
How do aged bastards get 
so much young pussy? Old 
Farts cologne. The scent of 
a man who’s nearly dead 
and loaded with cash, 


The allure of the homosex- 
ual lifestyle is undeniable. 
A fag can always find an- 
other sissyboy eager to 


suck his dick behind a pile 
of waterlogged rope on 
some fishy-smelling pier, 
and he never has to listen 


Look at this thing. Just look at it. 


HUSTLER SEPTEMBER 


A heterosexual proclamation from HUSTLER Magazine. 


bits & pieces 


Don’t tell working-class 
families the recession is 
over. Working longer 
hours for smaller wages, 
many couples are finding 


it harder than ever to 
make ends meet, both in 
the bedroom and at the 
dinner table. That’s why 


to a chick complain about 
being the one to give and 
give and give in the rela- 
tionship, or sleep on the 


Eating Out 


i/o, 


> 

8 
Betty Proctor has cre- |= 
ated a new suppertime |2 
spread guaranteed to 3 
satisfy the hungry man | 
and horny woman in le 
every blue-collar house- |S 
hold. It’s cervix for one. 5 
Bon appétit, and pass = 
the gash. 9 


Now, look at this. The facts cannot be ignored. 


Why We’re Not Queer 


couch while her mother 


visits for “a few days,” or 
change a diaper. So, why 
aren’t more men queer? 


bits & pieces 


Bia 


Running 
of the 
Bulidykes 


On July 10 of every year, 
wild herds of horned beef 
on the hoof chase crazy 
Iberians through the 
streets of Pamplona, 
Spain, in a bizarre ritual 
called the Running of the 
Bulls. While that tradi- 
tion defies sanity, a more 
daring dash takes place 
after the main event, 
when a beer-pounding, 
chick-hounding frat guy 
tries to outrun a gang of 
thundering bulldykes 
bent on goring any crotch 
that has a prick. 


Sexual-harassment 
laws have made working in 
an office hell on men and women 
who like to have sex. Since sucking 
cock isn’t allowed on the job, keep a supply of 
Wiggley’s Sperm Mint Gum on hand. Each 
stick provides a blast of that bitter, chalky 
taste girls love to gag on. 


‘> 
Ily love 


-_ TR iy f 


Do you mind if we 
just hug for 
a while? 


Women love to bitch about 
the difficulty of snaring a 
man sensitive enough to 
find a G spot and listen to 
a lady’s workday events 
too. Shut her trap for good 
with the Wham-Bam-O 
Talking Vibrator. One 


twist of the talking head 
fills Chatty Cathy’s heart 
and hole with electronic 
words of understanding 
and deep commitment. 
Batteries and sympathy 
about her nagging mother 
not included. 


Inner Mumblings 


One, if you smack her. 


A bitch | smacked. 


bits & pieces 


‘Cause | smacked her. 
"Cause | smacked her. 


ihe 
Turner’s 
Comedy 
Jam 


Laugh? We nearly busted 
a lip after hearing the one 
about the aging, woman- 
beating R&B star who’s 
attempting a comeback 
after the movie What’s 
Love Got To Do With It 
poked him back into the 
public eye. Since no one 
remembers his music, Ike 
had best punch up his act 
with the natural-born 
talent he’s most famous 
for: chick-bashing. 


Bonners Beware! 


Fuck N.O.W.! If feminist 


organizations had their 
way, vigilante mobs of 


watchdog bitches would 


look for louts in all the 
right places. Cunt-hunters 
beware: The eyes of muff 
are upon you! 


bits & pieces 
Why Is 
This Man 
| Smiling? 
Because he’s Chad Smith of §& 
Yanktown, South Dakota. As i 
| the winner of HUSTLER’s 
Reader's Survey Sweepstakes, 
Chad enjoyed a paid vacation 
to Beverly Hills, California, 
working as an honorary 
HUSTLER photo assistant. 
| In this photo, Chad assists 
one of our models out of her 
panties in the back of the 
HUSTLER limousine. Will 
Chad make it to the studio in 
time to put his hands to even 
better use? More importantly, 
will Chad make it back to 
Yanktown with his dick in- 
tact? Find out in Chad’s Ex- 
cellent Adventure, a photo 
| diary of this lucky reader’s 
wild weekend, coming in the 
October issue of America’s 
most interactive magazine. 


The Toadstool 
Effect 


Some people go to great 
lengths to get stoned. 
Take toad-licking. This 
60s drug phenomenon 
has recently made a 
| comeback as new-wave 
hippies hop in hopes of 
capturing a Sonoran 
Desert toad (pictured 
right) and licking the 
critter’s skin to attain a 
hallucinatory high simi- 
lar to that induced by 


LSD. HUSTLER has 
discovered another way 
to get goofy: tonguing 


the chunky asshole of 


porn starlet Leena (pic- 
tured left). Each crinkle 
packs the power of two 
hits of toad, rendering 
the lucky licker stiff 
and alert for hours. It’s 
easier on the animals, 
and a lot more fun for 
the tongue. 


APARAMENSTRUATING PICTURE. ferns Km cae 


RWANDA JEFFERSON AND DENNIS 
TAMPON DEALER. DIRECTED BY TUTS! 


Moving res 


Winnie Mandela was a liv- 
ing legend’s wife, but hus- 
band Nelson Mandela 
dumped her and circum- 
stances lowered her profile 
within the African Na- 
tional Congress. What’s a 
wanton woolly-bully to do 


when she’s squeezed out of 


the public eye? Go Holly- 
wood, of course. Watch 
this summer as apartheid 
falls and Winnie competes 
with Whoopi Goldberg for 
the token Negress wild- 
woman roles that have 
become the modern movie- 
goer’s burden. 


SEPTEMBER HUSTLER 


AD PARODY 


NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY 


hed : Toll-Free Subscriber ene 
Service Number ‘i a 


= ‘ . 1-800-220- ata) ‘ 


_Credit card orders only 


| want a 12-issue 
subscription to 
} | HUSTLER for only $39.95! fim 


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2 That means I'll save over “4 
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iti ' . City/State/Zip 
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subscription rate: 1 year $39.95. YOUR FIRST ISSUE WILL 
ARRIVE IN 6 TO 8 WEEKS. WATCH FOR IT! 


Sibeniber copies 


HUSTLER, 
I aied In unmarked, P.O. Box 474, Mt Morris, IL 61054 
OFFER EXPIRES NOVEMBER 5, 1994 494000 


sealed envelopes! 


\ 


Inside a HUSTLER Editor’s 
Desk Drawer 


BINS 
be 


Ooz=m= mzoxrv 


I'd like to respond to some letters in 
HUSTLER’s May 1994 Feedback titled 
“For Shame” (“For Shame,” Feedback, 
May '94). The letters ran under the names 
Smitty from Fort Leavenworth, Kansas; 
F, H. from Fort Campbell, Kentucky; and 
J. C. from Dover Air Force Base in Del- 
aware. Apparently these readers got of- 
fended by HUSTLER’s “DisasterPeace 
Theater” parody that ran in February 1994 
(“DisasterPeace Theater,” Ad Parody, 
February °94). Well, I’m sorry to hear 
they didn’t like it. Maybe if they had read 
the caption underneath the picture, they 
would have understood what it was about. 

The point of “DisasterPeace Theater” 
wasn’t about humiliating dead service- 
men. | think cable-TV news network 
CNN did a good job of that. The point 
HUSTLER was trying to make was that 
the reason the United States didn’t do a 
fucking thing about the savage gang that 
killed this American Marine and dragged 
his naked body through the streets was 
because the American oil companies val- 
ued Somalian drilling rights more than 
the lives of U.S. troops. 

Jesus Christ got better treatment at his 
crucifixion than this Marine got in Soma- 
lia, To those who suspect I was never in 
the military, and so wouldn't understand 
the feelings expressed in “For Shame,” let 
me say I served in the U.S. Marine Corps. 
I got injured real fuckin’ bad and was 
found physically unfit for duty. There was 
a long time that I couldn’t even fuckin’ 
walk. If any of you want to see the real ex- 
ploitation of servicemen and -women who 
put their lives on the line for their freedom 
and yours, visit your local VA hospital and 
do your crying to your Congressman and 
not HUSTLER Magazine. —J.B. 

Cincinnati, Ohio 


I’m writing in response to the Feedback 
letter “Kick “Em Down” (“Kick “Em 


Down,” Feedback, May °94), submitted 
by Pist-Off Taxpayer from Nathrop, Col- 
orado. This asshole thinks he’s the per- 
fect fuckin’ citizen! Who the hell is 
Pist-Off to pass judgment on all convicts 
because he disliked the comments of one 
man? Either he’s had something very 
valuable taken from him, or he thinks 
he’s a fuckin’ god! Whatever the case, I 
firmly believe he needs to seek profes- 
sional help for the hatred he holds for us 
convicts. It’s cocksuckers like him who 


Daron: Lip Smackin’ 


make our justice system carry so little 
justice (guilty until proven innocent)! 

This son of a bitch knows nothing at all 
of real prisons, or what he calls “correc- 
tion centers.” His tax dollars don’t go to 
helping inmates, as he claims. His— 
along with every American’s—tax money 
goes home in the pockets of overpaid cor- 
rectional officers and prison officials. On 
top of that, convicts’ so-called free med- 
ical, dental and vision care often cost us 
our lives because of the careless lack of 
attention from the prison system’s under- 
paid, overworked medical personnel. 
Convicts are last in line for everything, 
and that’s not an accident. Because jerks 
like Pist-Off are all over the peniten- 
tiaries, hiding behind badges! 

As for our penitentiary “condos”—you 
try living in a spider-infested hole-in-the- 
wall with four other men and no privacy. 
No, Pist—this may not be a POW camp, 
which I seriously doubt you've ever ex- 
perienced first-hand, but neither does it 
resemble the pack of lies you’re selling. 
Who the scum of the earth is becomes 
very clear when pieces of shit like you 
open your mouths. —Pissed-Off Convict 

Walla Walla, Washington 


Thanks, HUSTLER, for June 1994’s sexy 
layout of Adela (Adela: Cabin Fever, 
(continued on page 17) 


13 


AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER 


HUSTLER’S 


Only Larry Flynt could have imagined, when the 


first issue of HUSTLER Magazine went on sale 


4 
4 
). 
$ 
Ri 
+ 
u 
4 
2 


in July 1974, that 20 years later, employees of his 
multimillion-dollar publishing empire would 
feast on steak and lobster in the International 
Ballroom of the swank Beverly Hilton Hotel in 
Beverly Hills, California. Naysayers be damned! 
On April 30, 1994, Larry threw a gala affair for 
450 of his closest friends. What began as a pri- 
vate company festivity grew into a media frenzy 
as celebrity admirers of HUSTLER Magazine 
insisted on attending to celebrate two decades of 
photographic decadence and daring journalistic 


achievements. As Larry himself said during a 


moving pre-dinner speech, “It’s been an incredi- 


ble 20 years!” The next 20 will be even wilder. 
Larry Flynt with right-hand woman Liz Berrios 
You have Larry Flynt’s word. in front of HUSTLER’: historic 20-year cover 


HUSTLER'S BUSTY BEAUTIES model Letha Weapons gets Acid guru Timothy Leary (left) confounds a Hard Copy reporter. 
chesty with Larry during happy hour. 


Adult-movie starlet Brittany O'Connell offers an 
alternative to apple tart for dessert. 


KISS bassist and lead tongue 
Gene Simmons (right) meets Mr. Flynt. 


RIP Magazine honcho and former HUSTLER editor 
Lonn Friend (center) beats the skins with drummers 
Matt Sorum of Guns N’ Roses (left) and 
Tommy Lee of Métley Criie (right) 


HUSTLER’S BARELY LEGAL art director Cynthia Late in the evening, gowns give way to skin as blue-screen sirens Kaitlyn 


-atterson cozies up to NYPD Blue producer Burt Armus. Ashley (left) and Alicia Rio (right) relax in the powder room. 


HE BCT 


urt Cobain’s fire- 

powered farewell last 
April was a many-faceted 
tragedy. 

The Nirvana front man’s 
suicide deprived rock of a 
dynamic talent, cost an ill- 
defined generation one of 
its few hard-won heroes and 
left Kurt’s spouse, Courtney 
Love, the honey-voiced 
songbird and leader of the 
slut-rock band Hole, minus 
the sort of prick she needs. 

Courtney needs consola- 
tion. After a trust-fund- | 


financed frolic through | 


punk-rock playgrounds on 
two continents and high- 
profile, lucrative status as 
First Lady of Lollapalooza 
Nation, Love’s loss of her 
ticket to good dope and 
great record deals must leave 
her with a feeling akin to 
discomfort. 

To the grieving grunge 
widow, HUSTLER extends 
a finger in sympathy. 

And to our readers, we ex- 
tend the opportunity to love 
Love even more than the 
whole world already does. 


HUSTLER fans inter- 


ested in courting the Love 
one should submit, in 50 
words or less, their reasons 
and intentions. Venturing 
into the wilds of Love's tri- 
angle guarantees instant ac- 
cess to riches someone else 
earned, immediate familiar- 
ity with the Pacific North- 
west’s most celebrated dope 
dealers and a mansion full 
of sprightly punk-rock 
chicks charged with baby- 
sitting Love’s 2-year-old 
daughter. Cool. 

Please note: When a 27- 


year-old, male pop-music 


ek) 


Yo. Yo. Yo. Yo. Funky white bitch front a posse called "Ho? Yo. I be down 


superstar shuns a world’s 
span of sexually hyperactive 
teenyboppers because of his 
wife, brawls with numerous 
rival bands because of his 
wife, is arrested for the pos- 
session of firearms because of 
his wife and ultimately sucks 
down a shotgun shell for 
some mysterious reason, the 
savvy reader is left to draw 
his own conclusion. 

To the victor go the spoil- 
age and three words of ad- 
vice contained in the title of 
Courtney’s latest CD re- 


lease: Live through this. 


with that. Yo. Shee-it. Yo. Now I don’t gots to be hasslin’ Madonna no 
more ‘bout maybe sometimes taking a bath before she lip my jimmy. Yo. 
—Tupac Shakur, rapper in need of a caning “lo HUSTLER Magazine, 9171 Wilshire Boulevard, 

Suite 300, Beverly Hills, CA 90210. 

In 50 words or less, complete the following statement: 

Dr. Kevorkian. Courtney Love. What's the difference, and what do 

I care? We're all on borrowed time anyway; so the reason I should 

be Courtney Love's next victim, I mean boyfriend, is: 


Why, I'll show that little twat ingrate what a real man—hey, where’s my 
scotch? Fucking shit! The Negroes and the faggots have conspired to steal 
my scotch again! If J had a shotgun, I'd find the Negro-faggot cabal that 
keeps stealing my scotch and let ‘em have it—right after I pulled the smok- 
—Andy Rooney, 60 Minutes 


Mndrrbfg. Kphgt? Repyksjaha! Tplwkqb. Know what I'm saying? 
—Eddie Vedder, Pearl Jam 
She was a stripper once, huh? Fly Air Force One out to Seattle right away. If 
anybody asks, just say Chelsea’s a big fan or some bullshit like that. And tell 
Stephanopoulos to pick up lubricated this time. 
—William Jefferson Clinton, President of the United States 


ing barrel out of Morley Safer’s asshole. 


Entries will be judged by a panel of HUSTLER editors well-versed in over- 
bearing harridans. The decision of the judges is as final as a rifle blast to the 


cranium. Ms. Love's decision to date the winner is entirely up to her; after 


all, what Courtney wants, Courtney usually seems to get. And how. 


CONTEST PARODY. NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. ALL ENTRIES ARE FICTITIOUS. COURTNEY LOVE DOESN'T NEED HUSTLER’S HELP WHEN TROLLING FOR SUCKERS 


FEEDBACK 


(continued from page 13) 


June 94). I would sell my mother to take 
a pleasure cruise on Adela’s yacht—just 
the two of us. Adela, I promise: You 
would get your money’s worth! You re- 
ally make my oar grow. —K. B. 

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania 


Bare Publicity 
I just got the June HUSTLER, and I re- 
ally loved Daron (Daron: Lip Smackin’, 
June *94), Daron says she hopes to meet 
a man who’s got a taste for adventure. I 
have a taste for adventure. In the past, I 
have gone stark naked in three New York 
City boroughs. In the summer of 1968, I 
went around completely naked in a wood 
in Bayside, Queens. In 1974, I went 
naked on a pier in Long Island City, 
Queens. After that, [ went around stark 
naked in New York City’s Central Park. 
In the summers of 1978 and 1979, I went 
around naked in a small wooded area on 
Roosevelt Island, and in °88 and °89, I 
went naked in a small, wooded area at 
the Dyker Beach Golf Course in Brook- 
lyn. I just love going naked outdoors. 
Tell Daron I'd love to get together some- 
and in public. —J.P. 
Brooklyn, New York 


As incredible as it seems, apparently 
every one of the hundreds of East Coast 
flasher sightings since 1968 can be at- 
tributed to one naked nudnik: J. P. of 
Brooklyn, New York. 


Deep Thoughts 

Novelist Henry Miller once wrote: 
“Women have nothing there; all they 
have is a crack. And their sex opening 
smells like hell!” 

Renaissance genius Leonardo da Vinci 
said: “The sex organs are the ugliest part 
of the human body.” 

Women in TY and films never have 
menstrual periods. They never say to their 
lovers, “Go out and get me five boxes of 
tampons and five boxes of sanitary pads.” 

When women swallow jizz, how long 
do the sperms stay alive in their digestive 
tracts? Are all women looking for cocks 
that are five-foot long and balls the size 
of footballs? To hear it told on wedding 
nights, the floor of the bedroom is three 
inches deep in jizz! In drugstores, one 


HUSTLER SEPTEMBER 


side of an aisle has boxes of diapers, and 
the other boxes of tampons and sanitary 
pads. This should tell you something! 

In closing, let me just say that Andy 
Rooney’s life is interesting! He should be 
Asshole of the Month! —G. J. W. 

Chicago, Illinois 


Sperms stay alive in a digestive tract just 
long enough to realize that they're 
fucked, G.J.W.; women not only look for 
men with five-foot long cocks and balls 
the size of footballs, but when they meet a 
HUSTLER reader, they find 'em! 


HUSTLER Family 

My husband is a HUSTLER fanatic. He 
buys HUSTLER Magazine every month. 
He loves HUSTLER almost as much as 
he loves me! He comes with HUSTLER 
more than he comes with me. Sometimes 
I'll go out and come home to find him 
jerking off to HUSTLER’s Honey. 

My husband is a breast and foot man. 
That’s what he looks for when he reads 
HUSTLER. He also gets off seeing two 
girls fucking each other. At first, I didn’t 
much care for the fact that he had all your 


centerfolds for the past two-and-a-half 
years pinned to our bedroom wall. But 
one day while he was out, I picked up one 
of his HUSTLERs. I started reading and 
realized what I was missing. My husband 
came home and caught me masturbating. 
Ever since then, we read HUSTLER to- 
gether while fondling each other. Thanks 
for opening my eyes! —R. B.C. 

New York, New York 


Rolling Hedgehog 

I’m writing in regard to any and all mate- 
rial published in HUSTLER Magazine 
about Ron Jeremy, the most recent being 
the Hedgehog Hair Club (“Hedgehog 
Hair Club for Men,” Bits & Pieces, May 
94). In countless issues, HUSTLER has 
printed some picture or comment about 
Jeremy. I’m starting to wonder if you all 
get off on it! 

Don’t get me wrong. I can’t stand the 
fat, hairy bastard. I try to avoid any of the 
shitty porn films Jeremy directs and/or 
stars in. But whom do I see when I open 
the May 1994 issue of HUSTLER? 
That’s right. Ron Jeremy. 

(continued on page 21) 


(9 NAA tin/ 


17 


Watch out, America: is on the prowl! 

“Beaver Hunt is the first step in my career as a nude model,” announces 
26-year-old Kat. “i want to do a lot of sexy layouts and then become the 
number-one dancer on the U.S. strip circuit.” 

This appealingly ambitious peeler brought joy to HUSTLER's July '94 issue. 
Her sexual zeal is as boundless as her career aspirations. 

“The hottest fantasy | ever lived out was sucking my boyfriend's cock in 
an open convertible while we were speeding on the highway,” Kat reveals. 
“The next one | look forward to is fucking on the beach between the camera 
clicks of a centerfold shoot. My ultimate dream is to bungee-jump naked into 
a crowd—maybe even with a partner while we're having sex!” 

There's a stunt. 


=, 
Jf 
wy 
rN - 


4 


“Wherever you find happi- 
ness in this world is where 


you belong.” 
So ativised the parents of 
tantalizing a 24- 


year-old telemarketer who 
located bliss in the pages of 
our June ‘94 issue. HUSTLER 
is exactly where Taylor be- 
longs, with her toned good 
looks and titillating taste in 
attire. She hasn't shown her 
up-close Beaver Hunt candids 
to Mom and Dad yet, but she's 
sure “they'd be cool with it.” 


in the meantime, Taylor keeps herself cool with sizzling sex 
in chilly settings. “| grew up in a very hot climate,” she 
explains; “so I've always enjoyed cold weather and snow. | 
love all winter sports, especially sex outside during a bliz- 
zard. My favorite thing to do in summer is step out of a 
freezing shower and into an air-conditioned room where 


someone's waiting for me in bed.” 
7 =F . —— _— No icebreaker ever seemed more enticing. 


—— = 


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(continued from page 17) 


Nothing pisses me off more than rent- 
ing a porn tape, getting to a part where 
they show one of my favorite porn ac- 
tresses in heat, and then seeing Ron’s 
old, overweight, has-been ass come into 
the scene and fuck her. I don’t know 
what hang-ups HUSTLER has about Ron 
Jeremy, but I don’t feel he’s worth men- 
tioning. I’ve been a loyal reader for 
years, and I don’t want to end it because 
of Ron Jeremy. | just gave you my rea- 
sons for not liking Ron—HUSTLER, 

-Ed 
Pinole, California 


give me yours! 


HUSTLER will stand by Mr. Jeremy until 
the last curly hair drops off his desiccated 
ass. For him or against him, the Hedge- 
hog makes every other man look bald! 


Why is it that when one person fucks an- 
other, it’s called pornography, but when 
one person fucks millions, it’s called a 
presidency? I'd rather Larry Flynt ran the 
U.S. than anyone else. Better to have a 
guy who’s paralyzed at the waist and 
knows what he’s doing and has the balls 
to stick with it than some jackoff who’s 
paralyzed from the neck up! —B. H. 

Lancaster, California 


I recently bought one of your magazines 
and I was disgusted to realize that your 
censorship, letters and stories are unread- 
able. It looks like a paragraph with a 
bunch of fill in the blanks. 

Your photo-ads are no better. I can’t 
enjoy what I can’t see or read. This cen- 
sorship has gone out of hand. I was 
pissed off that I actually paid for this— 
and this magazine (HUSTLER) wasn’t 
the first to have this censorship. 

I have been a loyal reader of your 
magazine, along with some of my 
friends, who agree with me. Maybe 
we'll start buying other magazines in- 
stead. I’m fed up with getting fucking 
ripped off. —M. D. 

Middle Sackville, N. B., Canada 


A trip to your local law library, M. D., 
would reveal that you have the prudish 
jurisprudence of your own backward na- 


HUSTLER SEPTEMBER 


vio 


tion to thank for your corrupted copy of 
HUSTLER. If your lust-free legislators 
didn't have hockey pucks where their 
genitals should be, you too could enjoy 
HUSTLER in all its unadulterated glory, 


as do we Americans. 


I don’t always like the shit HUSTLER 
prints or writes, But the main reason (be- 
sides the girls) that I continue to buy 
HUSTLER Magazine is the fact that 
HUSTLER’s not scared to print things as 
they see “em. No lying, no faking, no 


shit. | wish more mags had the guts. 
They can’t all be blind. Keep up your 
no-bullshit attitude, HUSTLER. It’s 
good to see someone stand up for what 
they believe! E-Z Tony 

Honolulu, Hawaii 


Do you have a comment or complaint? We 
want to hear it. Send your letters (typed or 
neatly handwritten) to HUSTLER Feed- 
back, 9171 Wilshire Boulevard, Suite 300, 
Beverly Hills, CA 90210. Include a phone 
number if you want your letter considered 


for publication. @& 


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THE SEVEN DEaDLy QuiMs 


AS THE 


SOMETHING WAS MISSING FROM THE 


GARDEN OF EDEN UNTIL EVE CAME 
ALONG, AND MEN HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE 
TO GO VERY LONG WITHOUT IT EVER 
SINCE: SIN. WOMEN HAVE COME A 
LONG WAY FROM THAT SNAKY ORIGI- 
NAL CHARMER WHO LEAD THE PROTO- 


OF 


TYPICAL ADAM ASTRAY—AND WE MEN 
HAVE COME RIGHT ALONG WITH THEM. 
WHETHER HOLDING OUT A FORBIDDEN 
APPLE OR THE PROMISE OF ANAL SEX 
AFTER MARRIAGE, THE HUMAN FEMALE 
HAS ELEVATED THE ACT OF SEDUCTION 
TO THE WORLD'S HIGHEST ART FORM. 


OF COURSE, WE BITE. WOMEN AREN’T 
EVIL, BUT THE ONES WORTH LOOKING 
AT ARE CERTAINLY BUILT THAT WAY. 

GRANTED, THE CLOVEN GENDER HAS 
NEVER ACHIEVED A MONOPOLY ON 
VICE; OVER THE AGES, HOWEVER, IT 
HAS MANAGED TO PERSONIFY WICKED- 
NESS. CONSIDER THESE SIMPLE, SELF- 
EVIDENT TRUTHS: BEHIND EVERY 
FALLEN MAN IS A WANTON HUSSY 
PLAYING HIM TO SATISFY HER WHIMS 

ND APPETITES. IT IS NO SECRET 

THAT THE PUSSY IS CRAFTIER THAN 
THE PENIS. NO MORTAL MALE CAN 
DETERMINE BEYOND ANY SHADOW OF A 

DOUBT WHETHER A WOMAN HAS 
REACHED A TRUE ORGASM OR IS 
CUNNINGLY PRETENDING TO CLIMAX IN 
ORDER TO INDULGE HER OWN DUPLICI- 
TOUS NATURE. THE MALE ANATOMY IS 

BIOLOGICALLY PROHIBITED FROM 

TELLING SUCH A LIE}; A PENIS EITHER 
TRULY GETS OFF, OR IT OBVIOUSLY 
DOES NOT. 

MEN, CLEARLY, ARE AT A DISAD- 
VANTAGE, AND HAVE BEEN AT ONE FOR 
AGES. IT IS TIME TO EVEN THE FIELD. 
Ir HE IS TO STAND A CHANCE OF 
RETAINING HIS SELF-ESTEEM, HIS TES- 
TICLES AND HIS SOUL WHILE IN PUR- 
SUIT OF DISTAFF COMFORTS, THE 
MODERN-DAY MALE HAD BETTER 
KNOW WHAT HE IS AFTER. 

MAbDONNA/WHORE. RICH BITCH/ 
TRAILER-PARK GINCH. MARRIAGE- 
BAIT/FUCK-BAIT. SUCH GOOD GIRL/BAD 
GIRL DIVISIONS OF WOMANHOOD ARE 
LESS THAN HELPFUL. CLASSIFICATION 
OF COVETED BROADS ACCORDING TO 
ASTROLOGICAL SIGNS OR DIAGNOSTIC 
CRITERIA OF THE AMERICAN Psy- 
CHIATRIC ASSOCIATION IS ALSO OF 
LIMITED VALUE. THE ONLY TRUE INDI- 
CATOR OF WHAT TO EXPECT FROM AN 
X-FACTOR FEMALE IS HER PLACE ON 
THE BIBLICAL SCALE OF PERSONALITY 
DEVELOPMENT. [HE WISE MAN WILL 
USE THE SEVEN DEADLY SINS AS SIGN- 
POSTS, CHARTING A COURSE FOR PAIN- 
FREE ENJOYMENT OF LIFE’S GREATEST 
BLESSING WITHOUT INCURRING ITS 


WORST CURSES. (turn page >) 


THE SEVEN DEADLY QuIMs 
AS THE OF 


WoMEN WHO FLAUNT AN UNREASONABLE CONCEIT OF 
SUPERIORITY CAN BE SEEN ON EVERY PAGE OF Vogue 
MAGAZINE AND IN ANY XXX VIDEO THAT FEATURES 
SAVANNAH. THE SELF-INFATUATED CHIPPIE’S ALLURE IS 
IRRESISTIBLE AND DEMEANING. You are not worthy, HER 
INSOLENT FACE) TELLS-US. IN TERMS: THAT BROOK NO 
ARGUMENT. VERILY, NO MAN IS SUFFICIENT UNTO HER 
ELEVATED STATURE; STILL, WE CAN’T HELP BUT WISH WE 
WERE. THE DESIRE TO PRICK A POMPOUS, INFLATED 
BIMBO AND DEFLATE HER INORDINATE ARROGANCE IS 
PERFECTLY NATURAL AND NEARLY UNIVERSAL. 

‘THE PRIDEFUL WOMAN'S GAZE SELDOM WAVERS FROM 
SOME REFLECTIVE SURFACE—BE IT A MIRROR, A JEWELED 
STRIP OF PRECIOUS METAL OR THE SHINY PLATING OF A 
CHROME-GILDED VIBRATOR. HIER FOCUS IS ALWAYS UPON 
WHEREVER SHE APPEARS. | HE OBJECTIVE OF MANEUVERS 
WITH THE VAINGLORIOUS VIXEN IS TO POP HER EYES 
OPEN WITH SHOCK AND SURPRISE, CAPTURING HER FULLY 
OUTRAGED ATTENTION. 

Warninc: HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE THAT OF THE 
PRIDEFUL WOMAN AFTER A MISPLACED EJACULATE HAS 
RUINED HER HAIR. 


Nort ALL GLUTTONS ARE FAT. THE DECEPTIVELY SKINNY 
GLUTTON IS BOTH AS DANGEROUS AND AS ENTICING AS 
ANY OTHER MORALLY FLAWED MINGE. THE PHYSICAL 
SIGNS OF EXCESSIVE EATING AND BOOZING—SPECIFICALLY, 
LARD AND. BLOAT—ARE.OFTEN.DISGUISED THROUGH A 
STRICT REGIMEN OF apres-SNACK VOMITING AND A SELF- 
ADMINISTERED COURSE OF DRUG THERAPY, WITH COCAINE 
OR HEROIN BEING MOST EFFECTIVE. 

HER HUNGRY-PUPPY EYES, HER REFLEXIVELY GRASPING 
BABY HANDS, A MOUTH THAT WOULD RATHER WOLF AND 
GULP THAN CONVERSE—-WHO CAN DENY THE APPEAL OF 
SHE WHO WOULD DEVOUR ALL WITHIN HER REACH? 

THE PROBLEM: ONCE HE HAS BEEN GREEDILY SWAL- 
LOWED, ORDERED HER TWO PIZZAS AND AN EIGHT BALL 
AND VALIANTLY WORKED HIS THIGH MORSEL BACK UP 
TO MEAL-SIZE, THE VORACIOUS DAINTY S CONSORT WILL 
BE ASSAILED BY THE DISTURBING FEELING THAT SHE 
SEES HIM AS NOTHING MORE THAN A I80-POUND APPLE 
FRITTER. 


Between PMS, THE MENSTRUAL PE- 
RIOD ITSELF, AND POST-MENSTRUA- 
TION, THE WRATHFUL WOMAN HAS AN 
AVERAGE OF SIX WAKING HOURS PER 
MONTH WHEN. HER BEHAVIOR APPROXI- 
MATES THAT OF A REASONABLE HUMAN 
BEING. WHAT KIND OF MAN IS DRAWN 
TO A RAGING TUNA WHOSE HABITUAL 
MODE OF COMMUNICATION IS INTENSE, 
FORCEFUL ANGER EXPRESSED VEHE- 
MENTLY AND ACCOMPANIED BY BITTER- 
NESS, MALIGNANCY AND CONDEMNA- 
TION? HE Is USUALLY EITHER A GAMBLER 
OR A BUSINESSMAN. 

THE BETTING MAN WAGERS THAT A 
FLARING FEMME'S OMINOUS, THREAT- 
ENING, VOLATILE AURA WILL TRANSLATE 


AVARICE IS TO PLAIN GREED WHAT 


AIDS ts To A 24-HOUR FLU. GIVE HER 


JEWELS, FLOWERS, FURS, A BRAND-NEW 
Mazpa RX-7—as LONG AS A SINGLE 
GEM REMAINS IN A PAR-OFF AFRICAN 
MINE, AS LONG AS BLOSSOMS BLOOM IN 
A GARDEN NOT HERS, AS LONG AS ANI- 
MALS WALK AROUND IN THEIR OWN 
COATS, AND UNTIL EVERY MOTORIST 
HAS BEEN REDUCED TO A PEDESTRIAN, 
THE COVETOUS SLOT WILL NOT BE 
CONTENT. SHE EXACTS MORE THAN 
HER FAIR SHARE FROM ANYONE WHO 
DEALS WITH HER, AND SHE DEMANDS 


ENVY AND WHINING GO TOGETHER 
LIKE MANIPULATION AND PASSIVE- 
AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR, AND THEY CAN 
ALL BE EXPECTED FROM THE UNFORTU- 
NATE DRAB WHO SUFFERS FROM A 
PAINFUL AND RESENTFUL AWARENESS 
OF ADVANTAGES ENJOYED BY OTHERS, 
ACCOMPANIED BY THE DESIRE TO POS- 
SESS THOSE SAME ADVANTAGES. THE 
ENVY-AFFLICTED FLIT WISHES SHE 
COULD BE AN AVARICIOUS BITCH, BUT 


INTO A PASSION VERGING UPON VIO- 
LENCE IN THE REALM OF THE SHEETS. 
THE STRICTLY BUSINESS MAN LIKEWISE 
BASES HIS INTEREST IN A SCREAMING 
SIREN ON. THE PREMISE THAT SHE WILL 
FUCK LIKE A BANSHEE. As LONG AS THE 
HORRID HARRIDAN RETURNS A BOTTOM- 
LINE BED PERFORMANCE THAT IS AT 
LEAST AS FRENZIED AS HER OUTBURSTS 
OF TEMPER AT DINNER, IN THE CAR AND 
AFTER SHE HAS MISSED HER ORGASM, 
HER INVESTORS WILL CONTINUE TO 
FUNNEL THEIR RESOURCES INTO HER. 
GETTING OUT IN TIME IS THE KEY TO 
CARNAL COMMERCE WITH THE WRATH- 
FUL WOMAN, SAVING STITCHES, CONTU- 
SIONS AND SLASHED SUITS. 


EVERYONE ELSE'S SHARE AS WELL. 
RAPACIOUS AND TIRELESS, THE AVARI- 
CIOUS MANTRAP’S INSATIABLE DESIRE 
TO POSSESS IS A PHENOMENON THAT 
INSPIRES AWED FASCINATION FROM 
IMPARTIAL OBSERVERS AND A HYPNO- 
TIZED DREAD FROM HER PREY, POWER- 
LESS AS HE IS TO HALT THE TRANSFER 
OF ALL HIS WORLDLY GOODS INTO HER 
NAME. HER NATURAL HABITAT IS 
FAMILY COURT, A VICIOUS JUNGLE 
WHERE SHE HUNTS AT WILL WITH HER 
SYMBIOTIC PARTNER IN CUPIDITY: THE 
DIVORCE LAWYER. 


SHE LACKS THE INITIATIVE. AN ENVI- 
OUS GIRL ISN'T THE WORST CATCH A 
MAN CAN MAKE—AT LEAST NOT INI- 
TIALLY. ESPECIALLY IF SHE HAS MAN- 
AGED TO STEAL HIM AWAY FROM A 
WIFE AND KIDS, SHE WILL LAVISH ON 
HIM ALL MANNER OF EXOTIC ATTEN- 
TIONS. His INFATUATION WITH HER 
WILL LAST AS LONG AS HE'S CONTENT 
TO NEVER HAVE ANYTHING BETTER 
THAN WHAT SHE'S GOT. 


THE SEVEN DEADLy QUIMS 


OF 


HER APATHY AND INACTIVITY IN THE PRACTICE OF 
VIRTUE MAKE THE SLOTHFUL SLOT AN EASY PLAY FOR 
THE MALE LOOKING TO EXERCISE HIS MOST BASE 
INSTINCTS. SHE IS READILY AVAILABLE AS A CUM- 
RECEPTACLE, AND HER CRAVEN INDIFFERENCE TO 
SHODDY TREATMENT AND SQUALID ENVIRONS MAKES 
HER THE IDEAL WAD-SOW. HOWEVER, A SLUGGISH, 
LAZY AND IDLE BEDMATE HAS MANY INHERENT DRAW- 
BACKS. THOUGH INDOLENTLY UNPROTESTING IN THE 
FACE OF THE WORST EROTIC TRAVESTIES, SHE WILL 
NEVER INITIATE ANY KIND OF WEIRD SEX TRIP ON HER 
OWN. SHE CANNOT BE EXPECTED TO CLEAN UP AFTER 
HERSELF IN THE KITCHEN, OR TO FLUSH THE TOILET 
AFTER ABUSING HER BATHROOM PRIVILEGES. SHE 
MIGHT LOOK OKAY TO START, IN HER SLUGGISH, 
DEJECTED FASHION, BUT HER APPEARANCE WILL NEVER 
IMPROVE. THAT SLOPPY TWAT? IT JUST GETS MESSIER, 
AND SHE SELDOM HAS THE ENERGY TO CONFINE HER- 
SELF TO A SINGLE SOURCE OF POLLUTION. 


WHAT COULD BE WRONG WITH A VAGINA OWNER WHOSE 
LIFE IS PROPELLED BY SEXUAL DESIRE, ESPECIALLY OF A 
VIOLENT, SELF-INDULGENT CHARACTER? IMAGINE THAT. 
SHE’S LECHEROUS; SHE’S LASCIVIOUS; HER CRAVINGS, 
WHEN CATERED TO, ONLY IGNITE FURTHER LONGINGS. 
THE LUSTFUL WENCH WILL ALLOW ANOTHER WOMAN TO 
BE INTRODUCED TO THE EROTIC MIX; IN FACT, SHE IS 
QUITE LIKELY TO BE THE FIRST TO SUGGEST BRINGING 
ANOTHER HOLE TO THE PARTY. SHE WILL BE OPEN TO 
ALL MANNER OF MECHANICAL PLAYTHINGS: DILDOS, 
HANDCUFFS, LOTIONS AND UNGUENTS. WHAT HER MAN 
CANNOT IMAGINE, SHE WILL THINK OF FOR HIM. OF 
COURSE, TURNABOUT WILL COME TO HER MIND. THE 
PRESENCE OF ANOTHER PENIS—OR TWO OR THREE— 
WILL BE DEMANDED. THOSE HANDCUFFS? THE LUBRI- 
CANTS? THAT DILDO? BEND OVER AND TAKE IT LIKE 
HALF A MAN. THOSE EXTRA PENISES FOR HER ADDED 
GRATIFICATION? PucKER up. A GUY'S OWN CUM, AND HIS 
poG? BE READY TO SWALLOW ALL PRIDE. PREPARE TO 
BECOME BowsER’S HUMAN DOGGY-DOOR.@ 


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COW POKE 


Stupid foreigners say there’s nothin’ in 
Texas ‘cept steers and queers. Here in 
the Lone Star State, we say a faggot is a 
man who likes women more than foot- 
ball. As for steers, well, let me just say 
this: If | was feelin’ hornier than a dog 
with two dicks, and my ol’ lady wasn’t 
around, I wouldn’t go near a fuckin’ 
steer. Give me a fine-lookin’ heifer any 
day of the week! 

I'd gladly take another 20 minutes 
with Lily Sue, the daughter of the mean- 
est cattle rancher in this part of the state. 
Lily Sue came on by the feed store where 
I work last Saturday mornin’, when I was 
nursin’ a hangover that woulda killed 
Hank Williams and Hank Jr. Me and my 
buddy Lyle had been out on a pussy 
chase the night before, but I lost track of 
Lyle and got me nothin’ more than two 
fights, no fucks and half a handjob from 
some truck-stop hooker who lit out on 
me ‘cuz I was too fucked-up to fill her 
head with pretty lies. That’s how I came 
to be stackin’ shelves with a black eye 
and blue balls when Lily Sue walked in 
and headed right for me, her milky tits 
plowin’ through the air like a dead heat 
in a Goodyear blimp race. 

“Oh, T-Dub,” crooned Lily Sue, wag- 
gin’ her heart-shaped ass. “I need to ask 
you an eensy-weensy favor.” 

My beer-reddened eyes detected a 
bead of sweat tricklin’ across her left 
knocker and disappearin’ down the 
chasm of her cleavage. It was so humid, 
Lily Sue coulda grown rice in the crack 
of her ass. The thought made my pecker 
buck up like Champion the Wonder 
Horse with a plug of tobacco up his butt. 

“Y"all okay,T-Dub?” purred Lily Sue, 
leanin’ closer and givin’ me a close-up 
view of her charlies. The edge of one of 


HUSTLER SEPTEMBER 


her nips winked out of the low-cut, tight- 
fittin® red dress she’d poured herself 
into, which was having a mighty struggle 
keepin’ Lily Sue’s titties corralled, 

“Uh-huh,” I lied through my beer fog. 

“Well, baby, you look like shit; so 
maybe now’s a good time to ask you for 
that favor,” said Lily Sue. “Before my 
daddy took off outta town last night, he 
asked me to head on down here and pick 
up one of them big ol’ cow inseminators. 
But I went out on the honky-tonk merry- 
go-round last night, and darn it if I didn’t 
wake up this mornin’ in the backseat of 
my Ford Bronco with no panties on and 
your buddy Lyle’s pecker tracks all over 
my Stetson. I spent the money Daddy 
gave me, and if he gets home tonight and 
sees there’s no inseminator, he'll beat 
my ass till it glows in the dark.” 

She scooted to the door and locked it, 
switched the sign so it said CLOSED, 
then put a red-nailed hand on my Waylon 
‘n’ Willie belt buckle and tugged it open. 
All my troubles started to fade away as 
Lily Sue pushed me into the back room. 
I didn’t argue when she popped each of 
my swollen nuts into her warm, wrap- 
around mouth, one at a time, meanwhile 
yankin’ furiously on my swiftly revivin’ 
Texas Panhandle. 

When Lily Sue commenced to lick my 
fireman's helmet, I nearly let her have it 
full in the face with the backed-up jizz 
from my previous night’s frustration, 
But I wasn’t about to let her have no 
$200 inseminator for two minutes of 
tube-steak munchin.’ To keep my mind 
occupied, I eased the straps of her dress 
over her shoulders. Her twin watermel- 
ons careened into freedom, and I pinched 
her ruddy nipples till they stiffened to 
the size of Marlboro filters. | hankered 
for a few long drags. 

As Lily Sue was doin’ all this to get 
her hands on a cow-dildo for Ol’ Man 
Kaiser, I’m certain she wasn't feelin’ 
any pain in the process. We tumbled 
onto the floor, and I finally shucked my 
retail duds, meanwhile tuggin’ off that 
dumb dress of hers. I lay back on the 


floor as she stepped outta her postage- 
stamp-size panties and squatted over my 
face, spreadin’ her golden pussy-thatch 
to reveal a purple twat—the type I'd 
been dreamin’ about since I was still 
swimmin’ around in my daddy’s balls. I 
thumbed them beef-curtains open like 
her minge was a HUSTLER and I was 
lookin’ for the centerfold. Lily Sue fea- 
tured a clit stickin’ out like a pygmy 
hitchhiker’s thumb. I got hold of it be- 
tween my teeth and chewed and sucked 
on it like the Mexican Army was comin’ 
over the walls of the Alamo and this was 
the last slice of hair pie I'd see before I 
died with a bayonet up my asshole. At 
the same time, I kneaded her bazooms 
with one hand and put the other one be- 
tween her ass cheeks and let my middle 
finger slide slowly into her shit-pipe, 
right up to the knuckle, like I was tryin’ 
on an engagement ring for size. 

The bitch went wild! She whooped 
and squealed and reached behind to grab 
my nut-sack, which by now felt like it 
was the size of a fully inflated driver’s- 
side air bag. She flipped herself ‘round 
on my head. 

“Get in there and rim that thang, boy!” 
barked Lily Sue, like a marine drill ser- 
geant makin’ a jarhead clean out the 
boot-camp shithouse. | couldn't answer. 
Her puckered butthole was Frenchin’ my 
lips. I set to slickin’ down all her sharp 
little ring-hairs before I prized that 
sphincter open with my tongue. 

Meantime, Lily Sue got down to busi- 
ness on my knob, givin’ that ol’ boy the 


full-on Texas hospitality treatment. She 
pulled my balls till I thought she’d about 
rip “em off. She was treatin’ my cock 
like you hadn’t oughta treat a cur-dog, 
and that little fucker was lovin’ every 
minute of the ordeal. 

“Ain’t this the best fuckin’ hangover 
cure ever invented?” panted Lily Sue. 

Let me tell you, I'd forgotten all about 
the night before. The only reminder was 
the dull ache in my boilin’, fit-to-bust 


29 


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AD PARODY. NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. 


scrote, seethin’ with white crude, ready 
to blow like a wildcat well. The time had 
come to get my money’s worth. 

“Okay, Lily Sue,” I told her. “Get 
your ass over there on them feed bags 
and open up that pussy like a pigsty 
door. Ol’ T-Dub’s gettin’ ready to bring 
home the bacon.” 

Lily Sue flung herself on her back and 
raised those long, ivory, cheerleader legs 
of hers till her knees were almost behind 
her ears. Then she reached down and 
pulled apart the petals of her purple rose 
of Texas. I sank myself in up to the hilt. 
Her cunt-muscles gripped my shaft like 
it was the handle of one of her daddy’s 
golf clubs. I only got about five strokes 
in before I felt my sack tighten, and I 
knew the whole fuckin’ town was gonna 
blow. I pulled out and heard a sticky 
pop. Lily Sue’s pussy had let out a lady- 
like cunt-fart. 

I staggered one step backward as she 
sat up to receive a bath of low-fat, high- 
protein yogurt. She tugged on my prick 
and gave him a quick lick and slurp. 
With my achin’ balls filled to over- 
flowin’, I felt like a trick-roper at the 
rodeo, tossin’ a semen lariat around Lily 
Sue’s creamy tits and their plum-colored 
nipples. She took half a pint right down 
the back of her throat, and there was 
enough left over to flow outta the sides 
of her mouth in thick, creamy strings 
like Trigger’s reins. 

I went to the back of the store and 
fetched Lily Sue a custom-tooled bovine 
inseminator, a foot-and-a-half long, 
made of stainless steel. 

“Thank you, T-Dub,” she smiled. 
“Since you and your fuckwit buddy Lyle 
can’t get it together between the two of 
you, I guess this is the only thing left in 
this whole one-horse town that’s gonna 
get me off!” —T-Dub 

Wichita Falls, Texas 


BOW DOWN TO AUTHORITY 


My first sexual experience—if you can 
call it that—was fantasizing about my 
summer-camp counselor at the age of 
ten. The imagined sight of his raw, veiny 
pole poking out from under that toggled 
khaki shirt—with name badge and cute 
little knitted shield on it—must have left 
an indelible impression, because I’ve 
had a twitch in my pants for a man in 
uniform ever since. 

Last month, I was coming back through 
LAX from London, where I’d been 


HUSTLER SEPTEMBER 


based during my two-month Euro-rail 
trip around Italy, Germany, France and 
Spain. I'd gobbled gendarmes in Paris, 
rimmed a Guardia Civil officer in 
Madrid, done squat thrusts on a London 
bobby’s cum-truncheon and taught an 
opulently red-robed fathead the real 
meaning of the word beefeater when I 
lowered my groaning piss-flaps, inch by 
agonizing inch, down his Bloody Tower. 

But my vacation was over, and the | 1- 
hour flight had left me bad-tempered. A 
spot of turbulence over the Atlantic had 
all the passengers confined to their seats. 
Pilot, co-pilot, navigator, steward—lI 
wasn’t fussy. Any joystick was fine with 
me, but it was not to be. 

I hadn’t taken a shower in 48 hours, 
and before the flight I'd eaten a seriously 
fart-inducing curry along with the un- 
wholesome jism of the London’s Pic- 
cadilly Circus Burger King manager, 
right there on a palette of half-rotten 
Whopper patties in his own walk-in re- 
frigerator. I probably had ground beef in 
my pubes still. During the whole flight I 
could smell the musky odor of what I as- 
sumed was my own asshole. 

Two hot-looking officers stood at the 


head of the line at LAX customs, busy 
making themselves real popular by turn- 
ing everybody’s bags and cases inside 
out. I had the urge to let them turn me in- 
side out. 

When I hit the head of the line, they 
brought the sniffer dog, a real dumb- 
looking beagle, over to check out my 
bags; so I let out a silent but wicked curry 
fart, which commanded the little fucker’s 
attention. Then I crouched down next to 
him and gave him a whiff of my still- 
beef-encrusted bush, meanwhile glancing 
anxiously at my customs boys, trying to 
look as suspicious as possible. 

When old Snoopy got a sniff of my 
pulsating Red Baron, he went fucking 
apeshit! I mean, he was barking, slobber- 
ing and yowling like a motherfucker and, 
best of all, shoving his head up my short, 
smelly miniskirt. Between his shudder- 
ing haunches I could see the wannabe 
mastiff was having problems trying to 
master a major stiffy. 

In less than a minute, I was being 
frog-marched down a brightly lit corri- 
dor by these two hunks of khaki-clad of- 
ficialdom. The darker-haired of the two 
opened a large, black door, and his blond 
colleague shoved me through. We en- 
tered a windowless room, covered from 
floor to ceiling with bright, utterly clean 
tiling. I guessed that this was where they 
stuck you if they thought you were car- 

(continued on page 41) 


“A car salesman and a lawyer—wow, did you boys get on the wrong bus!” 


31 


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MiIGmcs aoe 3 


EDITED BY MIKE McPADDEN 


DEEP INSIDE TIFFANY MYNX 


Three-Quarters Erect. Directed by Various; starting Tiffany Mynx, Chanel, Valeria, P J. Sparxx, Melanie Moore, Rondy West, Mike Horner, Tony Tedeschi, Cody Adams 
and Jonathan Morgan. Videocassette: VCA. 
It’s a sad era in porn when the fan who loves fresh ‘n’ bouncy torso-floppers is so disheartened 
by the omnipresence of dead-weight silicone cancer-implants thot seeing a flat-chested strum- 
pet strut on-screen elicits 
sighs of relief. “At least 
they‘re real,” chirp the tit 
mavens. Natural relief 
comes to the modern age 
of XXX in the form of 
Tiffony Mynx, a real super- 
star with ample, unre- 
touched fun-sacks who well 
deserves Deep Inside, 
“best-of” compilation treat- 
ment. Between Mynx’s fi 
babbling interview seg- 
ments, Chonel worthily 
treats Mynx to what the Deep Inside: Mynx mokes it muttstyle. 
latter claims was her maiden lesbo labe-munch; Tony Tedeschi’s ripe tool receives Tiff’s paradisiacal 
rubberlipped rousting; Mynx makes like the meat in o poke-hoogie with Jonathan Morgan ond 
Teutonic dber-vixen Valeria; P. J. Sparxx packs each of Tiffany's tunnels with the assistance of some 
obviously fake dicks and Randy West's reaHooking one; Mike Horner muffaps, mounts and makes 
tapioca on Mynx’s mug; West reams Tiff in the tush once more; and Mynx and Cody Adams descend 
on Melanie Moore in a triumphant, tape-closing, malt-coaxing ménage 4 trois. There’s not a fake 
boob to be found Deep Inside Tiffany Mynx, ond all that free-moving flesh coupled with the vaginally 
charged, vivacious appeal of the title starlet guarantees hard bones all around. Crawl Deep Inside this 
natural wonder. —Selwyn Hanis 


~ BASKET TRICK — 


Half Erect. Directed by Paul Norman; starring Diva, Sierra, Tom Byron, 
Debbie Jointed, Nick East, James Webb, Heather Lee, Shady O'Toole and 
Cherry Stone. Videocassette: Pleasure Productions. 


If anything can get kids to turn off MTV and develop an interest in literature, 
it’s the book that Sierra reads in Basket Trick. Every time the nympho, brunet 
woif cracks her tome and reads o few lines, pom workers start fucking like 
horny people. Sierra’s the central protagonist of the first chapter, enticing o 
pair of dicks to pop into her pussy and pooper and then pop off, one on each 
tit. A Mexicon-style muff in steelstudded black-leather bra and leggings hos 
her pussy ported by a big, blackman tongue and her ass spritzed by the spu- 
tum of a big, blackman dong. A long, leanooking slattern who resembles 
Ronald Reagan’s daughter Patti Davis has her turds packed and o slop of 
semen cost upon the sweat-sheen of her torso. Two mini-chicks with boby 
butts bang beavers in a poolside grapple, and a testicle-charming blonde spins 
in a hammock while a penis pole pokes her through the netting. Basket will 
do the trick. —C(hnistion Shapiro 


RETURN OF THE 
CHEERLEADER NURSES 


Three-Quarters Erect. Directed by Bionca; starring Tiffony Million, Melanie Moore, 
Debi Diamond, Lacey Rose, Crystal Wilder, Alex Jordan, Sharon Kane, Rebecca Bardoux, 
Kiss, Nikki Sinn, Stacy Nichols, Shawnee Cates, Randy Spears, Joey Silvera, Jon Dough 
and Justin Case. Videocassette: VCA. 


Like condy that's two mints in one, Refurn’s cheerleader nurses embody two separate 
slut prototypes. It’s 0 goofy idea goofily executed in this video—but since when is goofy 
unwhackable? A piffle of a plot (that carries on a bit too long) propels a plethora of porn 
babes who are nude or seductively near to it (in appropriate medical and/or varsity 
gorb). Dr. Randy Spears electrifies Lacey Rose’s poop hoop with a vibrator, then paints 
her tits with mayonnaise; Tiffany Million delivers great 69 to the dick of Jon Dough, 
while in the next ward Debi Diamond does herself. Joey Silvera is the lucky twerp who 
enjoys Rebecca Bardoux’s perky nerps, building to the climactic, near-classic, all-girl clus- 
ter-fuck antic that crowns Sharon Kane as the undisputed champion of anathbead manipu- 

mt lotion. Kudos to her. The casual, 
cute and erotic comeo appear- 
ances of Kiss, Stacy Nichols, Nikki 
Sinn and others who fill locker 
rooms and hospital corridors as 
kissing condy-stripers ond nipple- 
puckering pom-pom girls raise 
Return of the Cheerleader Nurses -. 
to muststroke status. —S. H. Cheerleader Nurses come again. 


x ANIMAL INSTINCT 


One-Quarter Erect. Directed by Judy Blue; starring Ashlyn Gere, Christina Angel, Veronica Sage, Tabatha Cash, 
Alex Sanders, Jonathan Morgan and Steven St. Croix. Videocassette: Vivid Film. 


The director of Animal Instinct is listed as Judy Blue, a name employed by por-maker Poul Thomas when the project 
has been hopelessly botched, such as when a missing soundtrack necessitates unbelievably lame and unsynchronized 
overdubbing of moans and groans. Thomas's main skill as Blue is collecting diverse erotic factors—such as three-girl 
gropes, two-couple foursomes, group sex, guys on girls, butt fucking, jizz on exemplary tits, alfresco bone-athons, 
doggystyle pussy eating, shithole licking, chicks kissing with dick in their lips, the exotic French-hybrid slit Tabatha 
Cash, kitchen-counter camality, the beastike bone-hunger of Ashlyn Gere, ’70s leopard-skin, spike-heel boots, comely 
Veronica Sage, sweet blonde Christina Angel and enough cunHapping to quench the pussy-parched masses in San 
Quentin—aond making it all add up to absolute tedium. It’s not Animal Instinct; it’s Paul Thomas's. —O5. 


34 SEPTEMBER HUSTLER 


ff BACHELOR PA TY 2 


Three-Quarters Erect. Directed by John T. Bone; starring Sydney, Marilyn Martin, Maeva, T. T. 
Boy, Ron Jeremy, Derick Taylor, Damon Zues, Blake Palmer, Steven St. Jox and A Bunch of Other 


Guys. Videocassette: Fantastic Pictures. 


Three whores show up at a bachelor party. They strip, have oil squirted onto them, eat each other out 


Bachelor Party 2: Sydney sandwich. 


and then get fucked nonstop for 90 minutes in the 
mouth, cunt and ass by o dozen or so goofball 
guys. That's all that happens in Bachelor Party 2, 
and it’s fucking great. Allsex extravaganzas such 
as this one sink or swim on the appeal and energy 
of the performers; BP 2 offers a bounty, most 
notably a tiny blonde who accepts two cocks at 
one time into what was once her tiny anus. Trains 
are pulled, tiple penetrations abound, and the real 
istic air of mild hostility—such as when T. T. Boy 
stuffs his pee-pee bone into the largely appealing 
Sydney, then distracts her from the dick she’s suck- 
ing by yanking her hair a bit harder than her reac- 
tion indicates she expected—makes this the Party 
of the year. The girls are red and exhausted by the 
tape’s end, as will be the most important 
appendage of the sofa-stroker at home. Get invited 
to Bachelor Party 2. —S. H. 


ADVENTURES 
OF BUCK NAKED 


Half Erect. Directed by Stuart Canterbury; starring Sean Michaels, Rebecca Wild, Dee Smooth, 
Valeria, Peter North, Lana Sands, Angel Bust and Lilli Exene. Videocassette: Odyssey Group. 


Sean Michaels is the naked Negro who stars as Buck Naked, some sort of detective-for-hire who has 
been retained to rescue a kidnapped damsel from i Eastern European country of Clitorania. The ter- 


rain of Clitorania looks a lot like 
a backyard in Colifornia’s Son 
Fernando Valley, and the fucking 
appears to have come from that 
region as well. Dark Michaels 
slithers on a red bedspread lick: 
ing the labes of a slatternly, 
blond slop-slot in blue lingerie. 
Her hair is trashy; her tits are 
flashy; his dick is huge and hard. 
The action is shot from the ceil- 
ing, from the carpet-—nice views 
all around. Two decent sluts glom 
onto one onother; one straps on 
a huge dong, and the other grits 
her teeth ond opens for it. Peter 
North choad-coats the throat of 
Angel Bust after pumping her 
ungodly breasts. A thick clog of 
Afro-American wad drips along 
Rebecca Wild’s tits, and a light- 
red head opens her mouth for 
Michaels’s gooey toolspit. Buck 
Noked could be more adventur- 


ous, but it’s a sofe stroke, —C. S. 


HUSTLER SEPTEMBER 


Adventuress with Buck, naked. 


STRAIGHT 
MO TUE 
GAY THEATER 


vii back to swankier days in the wank 
biz, Buck Adams’s newest release, No Motive, 
enjoyed a springtime premiere at a real 
Hollywood movie palace: the world-famous 
Tomkat, located on a flamboyantly homosexual 
stretch of Santa Monica Boulevard. In its regu- 
lar hours, the Tomkat is a men-only stroke-hole 
garishly decorated in tropical colors and leopard 
skin. For No Motive, the Tomkat temporarily 
shooed away the shi-shi boys, broke out its 
best twist-cap champagne and offered a buffet 
that was impressive—until Ron Jeremy showed 
up. The flick, which features auteur Adams as a 
murderous meat-wielder and Rebecca Wild as 
evidence of silicone technology run amok, is 
compelling and cock-twitching. Elements within 
the audience whooped their enthusiasm, dis- 
tracting those simple sorts who simply wanted 
to whack off in peace. After the gala subsided, 
the Tomkat reverted to gay features, bid a hasty 
good-bye to the presence of vaginal walls within 
its own and left boystown safe for the festering 
of faggotry once again. All involved should be 


\ very proud. 


. ae 
- a LIT...’S Verma Bs (WE a 
Half Erect. Directed by Stuart Canterbury; starring Leena, Veronica 


Sage, Angel Bust, Kaitlyn Ashley, Isis Nile, Joey Silvera, Peter North, 
Mike Horner and Alex Sanders. Videocassette: Odyssey Group. 


“Murray, \'m a gangster,” declaims Joey Silvera in 0 bod imperson- 
ation of a bad movie actor doing a bad jab depicting a bad hood. “It’s 
what | do.” Peter North, as the lawyer who has sprung Silvera from the 
pen 25 yeors early, suggests his cient go into a legitimate endeavor, 
such as “the nightclub business.” So much for story; how’s the sex? 
Kaitlyn Ashley's cocksucker eyes and powder-puff ass are in evidence in 
conjunction with Peter North’s rod, which launches bolts of cum as 
Ashley’s tongue whips like on epileptic snake. Isis Nile and Leena com- 
pore and contrast their boob jobs. Mike Horner porks sow-tit Angel 
Bust, and picture-pretty Veronica Sage looks the other way and tries to 
snooze through her coupling with Alex Sanders, approaching wakeful- 
ness as he crams up her butt. Silvera caps the attraction by climbing 
Leena’s chest and jerking on her chin. Carlita’s is okay one time 
around, but don’t expect to come back that way. —{, $. 


- INTERACTIVE 


Half Erect. Directed by Jace Rocker; starring Samantha Strong, 
Brittany Morgan, PJ. Sparxx, Mercedez, Peter North, Tom Byron, Tom 
Chapman ond Pepe LePew. Videocassette: Sin City. 


Samantha Strong returns to snizz ‘n’ jizz flicks only intermittently. In 
Interactive, Strong is still beautiful, still alluring, still sports a cardiac- 
inducing set of doiry-connons, and is still as half-assed as ever in her 
loin-locking. She plays the head of a computer-dating service who 
bewitches Peter North. She sets North up first with P. J. Sparxx (whose 
wondrous hind-parts wobble dazzlingly as she works on North’s noo- 
dle), then with dominatrix-dressed Brittony Morgan. North launches 
man-milk on Brittany’s smallish, bound-inteather boobs. Tom Byron 
sticks it to Strong next, and however lackluster her passion may seem, 
there is no denying the magnificence of her curvaceous physique. 
Hard-foced Mercedez takes Tom Chapman’s tool in her tailpipe at 
tope’s end. All told, Interactive will leave users restless. —S.H. 


STRAIGHT 
A’S 
One-Quarter Erect. Directed by C. B. DeMille; starring Sierro, 


Meo, Chelly Supreme, Nina Suave, Tom Byron, Wise Mark and Tall 
John. Videocassette: VCA 


Aside from stor aperture Sierra, the holes of Straight A’s are strictly B- 
grode bimbos. Broads who border on ugly are the recurring curse of ass- 
fucking’s cheaper taped depictions. From the looks of things, it costs 
too much to convince fully comely pro coozes to allow wrong-way pas- 
soge to a flesh tube in their anal opening. So Straight has Chelly 
Supreme’s artificial chest cones pointing to the sky as a dick drills her 
dump hole. Sneerface Meo receives a desultory boning, and crass cunt 
Nina Suave receives lick and a dick to her dirt ring and some dick spit 
on her filthy face. A’s ends with Tom Byron pouring o slippery coating of 
kitchen oil all over Sierra, with the slimy fluid concentrating on her es on 
nether region and facilitating a satisfying slam of her shitter ond wod > ‘ a 
drizzle on her cute mug. Straight A’s is just not bent enough. —C. S. Slick dick and chick: Straight A’s. 


: A giant, retarded mushroom with a botched skin graft and - 
sparse, straw-like hair plugs. 
Oily, slimy and cold. Not bad. 
Like chewing a tire. Acceptable. 

Agonizing. Much lube required. Tester ultimately “cheated” 
and entered the sex chamber from its open-ended behind. (“The pussy was no 
good,” he states, “but the ass was sort of okay.”) 

;; Below average. Even for a piece of plastic. 
“If Savannah's movies are any indication, this lifeless tube that 
requires maximum effort to garner even = 
slight sensation is a top-notch duplicate.” 
“The idea for a fakel 
pussy is fine. Next time they should model 
one after a real girl.” 


iT MUST se Ge 
SAVANNAH! 7 — 


rd STRAP-ON SALLY: ndaamtenis 2 PSYCHO 


Three-Quarters Erect. Directed by Jim Gunn; storring Ariana, Chantilly Loce, Jay 
Milo, Christy Baye, Shade, Sinammon, Alice Harvey, Diane Parker and Maria Moore. 
Videocassette: Pleasure Productions. 


Persionlooking (though not unappealing) Ariana is the titular Sally. She’s got quite jim 
the penchant for detachable-dick action, but her desire to get as close as possible to 
the coochies of her eight co-cunts hardly quolifies her as a psycho. Ariana waxes 
philosophic on the universal ramifications of rubber goods, then bumps snatch scis- 
sors-style with refreshingly fleshy Diane Parker. Jay Milo—who sports spectacular 
nips, a passable boob job and a man’s name—hounces about on a staircase while 
Ariana strokes her clit; the sumptuous-butted Shade swaps spit with Ariana as they 
roll all over a comfy couch and each other, until Milo and her bogus bozack return to f 
join them. Christy Baye ond Maria Moore succulently slurp each other while waiting 
for Ariona and Chantilly Lace to show up. They do, and a lot of appealing oss-flab 
flies. A well-shot, seven-girl, multi-dildo daisy chain closes the show. Sally is highly — 
serviceable sapphist fare. Strap it on wisely. —$. H. Strap-on Psycho: Go nuts. 


HUSTLER SEPTEMBER 37 


- NIGHT TRAIN 
Half Erect. Directed by Poul Thomas; starring Ashlyn Gere, Tabatha Cosh, Christina Angel, Brittany O’Connell, 
Alex Jordan, Colt Steele, Steven St. Croix, Joey Silvera and Nick East. Videocassette: Vivid Film. 


Ashlyn Gere is on a darkened soundstage somewhere, pretending to sit behind the wheel of a car. Her attention 
wonders, as would anyone’s, and fuckable chicks and dudes spring to mind. These imagined jizz friends share 
the ride and fill the screen with mandatory X-rated antics. Gere serves her poon buttfirst to the hungry face of 
Joey Silvera, who follows the main course of intercourse with a splash of wad on Gere’s proffered tits. Alex 
Jordan and Christina Angel form a pair of toothsome blondes who sandwich Gere with tongues, fingers and play- 


time prongs. Slinky Tabatha Cosh sits on o skeeve as he sits on a toilet with his screw pole skewering her slip- 
pery sphincters. Sweettitty tidbit Brittany O’Connell goes over Gere’s knee for spanky, enticing a lurking penis to 
press into her lips, and Gere rewards a hulk who changes her tire with a run through her pussy. Night Train is 


often on track, but not for more than one trip. 


~ UNDRESS TO THRILL 


One-Quarter Erect. Directed by Judy Blue; storring Dyanna Louren, Tianna Taylor, as Angel, Deborah 
Wells, Jeannie Pepper, Marc Wollice, Brad Armstrong, Alex Sanders, Nick East and Colt Steele. Videocassette: 


Vivid Film. 


Viewers ore advised to undress for bed prior to watching Undress to Thrill, since they will be asleep shortly after 
the tape begins. Undress’s only coupling of any interest comes early in an ineptly photographed livingtoom lesbo 
encounter between genteel Euro-ginch Deborah Wells and Tianna Toylor, the witchiest trailer-park poontang cur- 
rently doing XXX—and also, somehow, the sexiest. The less-than-divine Christina Angel accepts Marc Wallice’s 
bent banana; Dyanna Lauren walks in on the scene, gets mad at her husband Wallice, then blows off steam by 
stripping at a bachelor party, which makes total sense. Watching lovely Louren peel down is a pleasure, but the 
ensuing incompetent filmmaking renders the rest of Undress worthless. Brod Armstrong gives Lauren his hot, limp 
one, which leads to a drearily lame orgy ending, where the promise of white-trash Taylor supping from Jeannie 


Pepper's monstrous black milk-sacks is never fulfilled. Some Thrill 


FULLY ERECT F WF ERECT ON- QUARTER ERECT 
ee 
New Wave Hookers 3 (VCA) Leena, Debi Diamond, Terry Thomas Anal Rookies Black Fire (Visual Images) 

Crystal Wilder, Tiffany Million, Breastman’s Ultimate Orgy (Rosebud) Stormy Shores, Lil’ Mamo Jama, 
Jon Dough (EVN) Flame, Domonique Simone, Honk Rose 
Sodomania 7 Flame, Valeria, Jonathan Morgan Sean Michaels Loopholes (Total Video) 
(Elegant Angel) Buttslammers 3 (Bruce Seven) Booty Sister Gayle Michelle, Crystal Wilder, 
Tianna, Tommi Ann, Joey Silvera i Alicia - ie (Rosebud) Joey Silvera 
Deep Inside Deidre Hollan Jonet Jacme, Shayla, Peter North 
TOREE-GUARTERS ERECT (vcA) Bun Busters vera 14 Li TOTALLY LIMP 
ai Deidre Holland, Melanie Moore,  (L. B. 0.) A woste of ine and money. 
Backdoor to the City of Sin Randy Spears Tobionna, Sally Loyd, Zen Margarita on the Rocks 
(Anabolic) Magic Box (Total Video) 30 Days in the Hole (Silver Foxx) 
Tiffony Mynx, Christina Dior, Tiffany Mynx, Nicole London, (Zane) Traci Prince, Nicki Design, 
Rocco Siffreddi Paul Cox Vixxen, Adrianna, Dick Nasty Jock Mann 
Bikini Beach Part 3: Tropic Video Virgins X-Citement: The Movie Truth or Dare (Vivid Video) 
Heat (Coast to Coast) (New Sensations) (X-Citement Video) Hyapatio Lee, Patricia Kennedy, 
Sierra, Rebecca Bardoux, Alicia Rio Veronica, Samantha, Gerry Pike Tricia Yen, Pamela Dee, Rick O'Shea 


cre) 
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rying half a dozen Baggies of uncut skag 
up your ass, or if you were suspected of 
being one shit away from dumping the 
Moonstone down the can. 

The only item of furniture—apart 
from a sink containing a colander, pre- 
sumably for sifting through Glad-Bag- 
yielding turds—was a toilet with no 
water or exit. 

“Strip, you fuckin’ drug mule. Sit on 
there and take a good, hard shit,” said 
the blond, whose badge proclaimed his 
name to be Dale. I was more than ready 
to comply. In less than ten seconds my 
bowels had fetched up the remnants of 
my curry, which hadn’t cooled down 
any, despite having traveled 6,000 miles 
from its point of origin. 

As Dale took my poop to the sink to 
pan it for gold, I caught a glimpse of his 
companion, Hector, snapping on a pair of 
gnarly rubber gloves and drawing a bead 
on my moldering vag. To show how co- 
operative I was gong to be, I hoisted my 
long, tanned legs up in the air and paved 
the way for his gloved hand by parting 
my rapidly moistening labes and giving 
my clitty an ostentatious tug. Hector red- 
dened, I really made myself clear by cup- 
ping my back-straining hooters and 
thumbing the nipples into a state of ex- 
treme arousal. Hector manifested his 
deepening appreciation for me by way of 
a banana-shaped, tumescent bulge, which 
veered wildly, at a two o’clock angle, to- 
ward his holster. 

When Dale turned from pounding my 
turds to tiny bits, the first thing he saw 
was Hector’s piss-pipe jammed down 
my greedy throat, and his uptight balls 
bouncing off my saliva-soaked chin. 
Dale straightaway dived between my 
clammy thighs and set about eating my 
stinky snatch. I still had that shit-stained 
crapper under my churning cheeks. Old 
Dale must have been a sucker for pun- 
ishment. He was getting off even more 
than the dog. 

I whisked Hector’s salami rapidly up 
to the boiling point, roughly squeezing 
his palpitating nuts as I licked and 
chewed on his gloppy glans. Every few 
seconds, | hawked up a new loogie and 
drenched his dick a litthe more. Pretty 
soon the spit was dripping off his balls in 
long, sticky strings. 

With my other hand, I ground Dale’s 
face hard against me. He was saying 
something, but between his mouth and 
tongue and my pussy sounds, all I could 
make out was a bunch of fart noises, 
which just got me hotter. 

As Hector pulled out of my mouth, his 


HUSTLER SEPTEMBER 


face turned ashen. After he pulled on his 
purple spunk-gun for a fraction of a sec- 
ond, his balls quivered and pumped a 
silver-gray arc of solid semen across my 
cheeks and chin. 

Hector staggered back and fell over, 
tripping over the pants around his ankles. 
I commanded the whimpering and totally 
cunt-struck Dale to part my ass cheeks 
and sodomize me without pity or re- 
morse, As he sank his pink pile driver 
into my burning bunghole, my rectal 
muscles clamped shut, and I held him 
there firmly and mercilessly, allowing the 
remaining vestiges of my lamb vindaloo 
to sink into his prick and, in all likeli- 
hood, remove a couple of layers of skin. 


Oh, how that boy screamed and bitched, 
all the way to his pump-action climax, 
when his spunk was slick enough to al- 
low him to unhitch his chopper from the 


jaws of my vise-like sphincter. 


I got myself out of there less than five 
minutes later. An hour after that, I was 
back at my mom’s house, toking on a 
spliff from the Moroccan hash cake I'd 
pulled out of my pussy the minute I got 
home. No wonder this country’s losing 
the war on drugs! —Candy 

Van Nuys, California 


Send your sexperiences to HUSTLER Hot 
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u've never been toa 
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just a lab technician. The doctor’s 
office is nexy door. 


~ Hey, Mom! When will | 
grow my extra wee-wee? 


(You only get one 
_\ wee-wee, dear. 


But Dad’s got two: a 
small one for peeing and a 
big one for brushing the 
baby-sitter’s teeth! 


First he dragged me in an alley, and then he 
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lllustration by Richard Louderback 


Restrictive attitudes in the name of 
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knowledge, hearsay, scientific facts 
and outright lies, this series strives 
to spread the word that rubbing 
ugiies is a beautiful experience. 


SEPTEMBER 


HUSTLER 


by Alex Marvel 


Melanie is proud of her body. Her tits, she knows, are no- 
ticeably bigger than the tits of most girls. As she grinds 
her chest against the flexed pectorals of new acquain- 
tance Ridley, she revels in the water-balloon consistency 
of her shapely, evenly balanced breasts with their 
crowning-jewel nipples. Melanie's lush, round ass 
cheeks and the lean, sprinter’s legs that lead up to them 
are also a source of assurance to the girl. She doesn't 
need a mirror to tell her that the incentives of her hooded 
sloe-eyes, flaring nostrils and joy-sucking mouth are 
enough to urge any man beyond the threshold of orgasm 
But something weird is happening. Her primary phys- 
ical attractions, she feels, are being overlooked. Why 
does this man persistently wedge his 

nose into her armpit as he 
thrashes toward climax? 
In an intoxicated trance, 
he inhales deeply. 
Drawing a long, 


Ke shuddering 


lungtul of air from the juncture beneath Melanie’s shoul- 
der, Ridley snorts like a stallion and shoots a condom- 
swelling series of semen bullets into her quim 

Melanie does get off, but still, she’s puzzled. As Ridley 
lies spent, Melanie gets ready to say something, but then 
she notices that he is sniffing his fingers, the fingers that 
have so recently worked within her moist, steamy 
crevice. And his dick is getting hard again 

What Melanie doesn’t know is that Ridley Ford is a 
man who has a nose for lust. He is not alone. When pruri- 
ently interested, the female body gives off a powerful 
chemical substance, called pheromone, that travels 
through the air like pollen and lodges deep within the 
nasal passages of any male in the vicinity. This airborne 
essence sends a signal along the neural chain leading to a 
man’s brain. The brain, in turn, triggers a reaction—some- 
times conscious, usually subliminal—in Mr. Downwind’s 
vital organs. 

As sales figures for deodorants in the United States in- 
dicate, most Americans are afraid of their own odors and 
the emanations of their bed partners, equating pungency 
with assorted unsavory, unsanitary conditions. Ridley's 
conscious use of the female body's sex-triggered scents 
to enhance his pleasure sets him apart from lesser, nose- 
dead mortals. 

“I'm not sorry about the way | am,” insists Ridley, an 
accountant. “Napoleon used to force his old lady, 
Josephine, to wear the same underwear and not wash 
her trench for months on end while he was away. He'd 
come home and root nose-first in her rut, like a pig snuf- 
fling for truffles. Melanie is a sweet girl, easy to look at, 
but if she expects an apology because | get a bigger boner 
from the smells in the flesh folds at the back of her knees 
than | get from her C cups, she can hold her breath. I'm 
not going to hold mine.” 

“The scent-activated male is a primal type,” declares 
aroma therapist Wyatt Burphy, Ph.D., a frequent talk- 
show guest and author of Good Scents: Sniffing Out Aro- 
matic Romance, The Nostrils: Portals to Potency and 
When Bad Smells Come From Good People, among other 
musty tomes. “The male is more susceptible to the lures 
of the olfactory nerves than is the female. The male, after 
all, descends from the predator archetype. He follows his 
nose as a wild beast follows its instincts. This man will 
be brash, impetuous, forceful. He is very much in touch 
with and comfortable with the animal side of his nature.” 

Brenda Jeckel, a 28-year-old publicity director, con- 
curs with the expert: “Guys who are into smells are the 


51 


teed to make 


BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. 


most ravaging fucks. | have 
this condition. Just before | get 
my period, my sweat has a 
sharper smell than it usually 
does. When | start dating a 
guy, | always wait to see how 
he’s going to react the first 
time we do it when I’m ‘ripe.’ 
Did | forget to mention that I'm 
horniest at that time of the 
month? If his nose opens, and 
he rises to the occasion, | know 
I've found someone | can sink my claws into.” 

Brenda's friend and coworker, 22-year-old 
Tammilou Hynea, says matter-of-factly, “I like 
men who behave like dogs. | want to see men 
overtaken by a force that’s beyond their control. 
| like it when a man is overcome by the kind of 
passion that drives a pit bull to rip apart a poo- 
dle, and | love being the focal point of that pas- 
sion. Men who are into smells can’t hold back 
any more than a stud bulldog can resist a bitch 
in heat.” 

Tammilou tries to eliminate the element of 
chance in her pursuit of men who turn into froth- 
ing fuck-beasts at a whiff of redolent quim. 

“| have no use for antiperspirants,” says the 
nose-active advocate, dipping under her arms to 
savor her own allure. “| shower every day, and 
that’s it. When | get within sniffing range of a 
man, | can sense if he plays my way, and I'll give 
his nasal tract special treats he couldn't possibly 
imagine.” 

On hot days, Tammilou concocts a special 
musky brew by wearing tight leather pants with 
no underwear. “By dinnertime,” she reveals, 
“my pussy is basted. Some prissy, no-fun wuss 
would say it reeks, but a real man laps it up like 
ambrosia.” 

“I'm into smelly chicks like Tammilou,” ex- 
claims snuffer Ridley, “although usually I’m go- 
ing after a more delicate bouquet. I'm sort of like 
how a gourmet is about wine or cigars.” 

Ridley's favorite source of scent, as previ- 
ously indicated, is the creased area behind a 
woman's knee. “There's no other smell quite like 
it,” he explains, smiling wetly. “It's fresh and 
light, very wispy. The closest smell to it is the 
odor that a girl with big breasts has at the bot- 
tom of her boobs, where the mammary flesh 
presses against the skin of her chest. But that 
underwire region is a bit tangier than behind the 
knee, probably because of the proximity to the 
armpits. Underarm tartness gives a nice boost at 
the moment of climax, but it can detract from the 
escalating sensual progression during foreplay.” 

.Motorcycle mechanic Carl Bonree’s apprecia- 
tion of olfactory charms may be less rarefied 
than Ridley’s, but it is every bit as intense. 
"When | do a 69 with my chick,” says Carl, “I 
make a conscious effort to keep my mouth on her 
pussy until she comes. Once she’s satisfied, | 


SEN ny 


HUSTLER SEPTEMBER 


stretch out and pull her legs up so her toes are 
even with my face. She’s a really good chick; so 
she keeps sucking while I'm wheezing and gasp- 
ing all over her heels and arches. I'm like Tonya 
Harding huffing on an inhaler with those toes. In 
a matter of seconds, I'm filling my chick's mouth 
with chum. It's funny; she never wants to kiss 
me after I’ve suckled on her little piggies— 
which is cool, since her mouth is full of my wad.” 

Most women are receptive to a screw part- 
ner’s nasal fixations; the olfactory obsession is, 
after all, an unfiltered savoring of the feminine 
essences. Hillary Skunkle views herself as par- 
ticularly fortunate. “Hillary has a unique pussy,” 
elucidates her husband, Damian, a coffee im- 
porter. “Her vagina goes through various stages 
of lubrication, starting with the initial wet 
arousal and intensifying with each successive 
orgasm, and every stage has its own distinct, in- 
creasingly fulfilling bouquet. After she comes 
three times, it’s as if the room is suffused with 
the vaginal incense of three wholly different 
women, each more fragrant than the last. Natu- 
rally, | encourage her to go for as many climaxes 
as she can. After five orgasms, it's a toss-up to 
see which one of us will pass out first from sheer 
overload.” 

Menstruation, with its sloughing blood cells 
and ova, obviously creates a redolence all its 
own. Ridley, with his ultra-developed olfactory 
faculties, cannot maintain erection with a 
woman when she is on the rag. 


The exclamation point in the lap of restaura- 
teur Preston Surget, on the other hand, throbs 
most intensely when it encounters a period be- 
tween a woman's thighs. “If a chick's got the 
red flow through her pussy petals,” he explains, 
“then that’s a rose by another name for me.” 
Preston is quick to clarify the nature of his inter- 
est: “I'd never go down and eat a girl out when 
her yoni's full of blood—that would be sick. And 
| don't necessarily want to smear the blood al! 
over my chest for some modern-primitive ef- 
fect.! just know that the fumes that escape 
when a woman pops out her tampon are a call 
of the wild to me. A lot of chicks want a little ex- 
tra something in a heavy-flow-day fuck, and I’m 
the guy to give it to them. | find nothing dirty 
about it.” 

In contrast to good, clean funster Preston, 
Clarence McSkeever, corporate counsel to a For- 
tune 500 conglomerate, craves filth; and he fol- 
lows his quivering nostrils to find it. 

“My portal of choice,” Clarence rhapsodizes, 
“is the hole whose owner doesn’t have time to 
wash, but simply splashes on layers of loud per- 
fume to cover the reek of her hygienic neglect. 
The ‘whore's shower,’ as they call it, often con- 
ceals nether fissures that crack open like a rot- 
ted cheese, yielding an odor that penetrates like 
distilled ammonia to the core of my sexuality. 
Such a nosegay is the epitome of bliss.” 

Man, dog, rat: The route to a male’s hard af- 
fection is often through his nose. 


“Remember, Billy: If you bite a faggot, wear a condom.” 


53 


4 ‘Wosley,, 


ay, tee 


* I S ¢ 
Cl Saeco Airey tra, 22 dU) 


' 


“Don’t pet him—he’s been a bad dog today.” 


Medical Marijuana 


tional Director of NORML Allen St. 
Pierre, “[anti-pot] laws were extremely 
harsh everywhere in America, particu- 
larly in the South and southwestern 
states, where individuals were serving 
decades-long sentences for possession of 
just a few grams of marijuana.” 

In a 1977 speech to Congress, Presi- 
dent Jimmy Carter recommended that 
the punishment for the possession of a 
drug should not be more harmful than 
the use of the drug for the individual. 
With that in mind, Carter proposed fed- 
eral decriminalization of the private-use 
possession of marijuana. 

Carter's suggested tolerance of pot use 
was overruled by dramatic anti-drug leg- 
islation following the inauguration of his 
successor, Ronald Reagan, whose “Just 
Say No” policy dashed hopes of reviving 
interest in the medical benefits of Can- 
nabis sativa. 

“There's no question that we're still 
feeling the effects of the anti-drug on- 
slaught from the Reagan/Bush adminis- 
trations, and we will for some time to 
come,” predicts St. Pierre. 

Despite enormous pressure from the 
DEA, Oregon, Minnesota, California, 


Colorado, Nebraska, Mississippi, North 
Carolina, New York, Ohio and Maine 
still have pot-decriminalization laws on 
the books. The recent vote by residents 
of Alaska to recriminalize marijuana, 
after years of decriminalization, is cur- 
rently being challenged in the state 
supreme court. 

Whether or not the majority of Ameri- 
cans wish to have marijuana legalized on 
a national level depends on who is 
queried about the matter. NORML be- 
lieves that most Americans favor de- 
criminalization. Those who favor 
legalization—including Nobel Prize- 
winning economist Milton Friedman— 
say marijuana prohibition creates more 
problems than it solves, including police 
and government corruption and an in- 
credible cost to the taxpayers for confis- 
cation and prosecution. 

“There is no interest in legalizing 
marijuana in [America],” states DEA 
spokesman William Ruzzamenti, who 
reports that the number of regular pot 
smokers in the United States declined 
from 20 million to 9 million over the 
past 25 years—a statistic NORML and 
High Times magazine dispute. 


HOMELESS 
CENTER 


“Will you chew this into mush for me? I ain't got no teeth.” 


on 
c=) 


“There is no question that marijuana 
use is up [from] ten years ago,” claims 
High Times Editor Steven Hager. “The 
marijuana leaf can be seen on thousands 
of T-shirts these days.” 

NORML estimates that 35 to 40 mil- 
lion Americans smoke dope at least 
monthly, and 10 to 15 million smoke it 
more often. 

“In 1992,” states NORML’s St. Pierre, 
“the American government estimated 
that 11 million people were using mari- 
juana, yet the amount they interdicted 
and confiscated indicated a far greater 
demand.” 

“Marijuana is coming out of the 
closet,” says Norman Kent, state director 
of the Florida chapter of NORML. “It’s 
part of an American tradition that the 
media aren’t paying attention to.” 

NORML, which has been lobbying 
on behalf of marijuana for more than 20 
years, has been joined in recent years 
by several pro-pot activist groups. One 
of the most prominent is the Cannabis 
Action Network (CAN), an informal 
coalition that advocates the decriminal- 
ization of marijuana via information ta- 
bles set up at rock concerts and college 
campuses. 

“CAN’s purpose is to eliminate the 
taboo that surrounds the plant,” explains 
Monica Pratt, one of the founders of the 
group. “We want people to come away 
encouraged to look into the facts about 
marijuana for themselves.” 

For CAN, as well as most marijuana- 
advocacy groups, the foremost priority is 
getting legal marijuana to persons with 
AIDS, glaucoma, multiple sclerosis, 
asthma and a host of other disorders that 
have been proven, through scientific 
study or anecdotal evidence, to respond 
well to cannabis therapy. 

Activists lobbying the U.S. govern- 
ment for medical access to marijuana 
came closest to achieving their objec- 
tive when ACT founder Randall, whose 
vision was deteriorating at an alarming 
rate because of glaucoma, challenged 
the system. 

Randall had undergone a variety of 
medical treatments with little success. 
After experiments with marijuana led to 
a noticeable improvement in his vision, 
Randall began smoking pot regularly and 
was eventually arrested for possession. 
When clinical tests indicated that pot 
was more effective and safer for him 
than drug therapy or surgery, Randall pe- 
titioned the DEA for access to marijuana 
on medical grounds in May 1976. In 
November of that year, his request was 
granted, and the drug charges against 
him were dropped. 

Randall received legal marijuana 

(continued on page 68) 


SEPTEMBER HUSTLER 


REPORT BY DON VAUGHAN 
Countless sufferers of debilitating illnesses find relief from 
pain only through smoking an illegal herb. Thousands of 
health-care professionals approve. Yet the United y 2 
: States government maintains marijuana ta 
~ has no medicinal value. A 
f 


ILLUSTRATION BY COOP 


Medical Marijuana 


In September 1993, Mildred Kaitz was 
sentenced to six months’ probation for 
the crime of growing marijuana at her 
home in Monticello, New York, a resort 
village deep in the Catskills. Kaitz, a 79- 
year-old grandmother, testified that she 
cultivated the illicit plant for use in eas- 
ing the debilitating illness of her 49- 
year-old son, Barton, whose body was 
racked by multiple sclerosis. 

According to Kaitz, only marijuana 
reversed her son’s flagging appetite. 

“No matter what I put in front of him, 
[Barton] said, ‘No, Ma, I can’t [eat it],’” 
explains Kaitz, who says she herself has 
never smoked the herb. “Barton has 
trouble swallowing and chewing. Smok- 
ing marijuana relaxes his muscles 
{enough that he is able to eat].” 

Dismayed by the high street-price of 
pot, Kaitz decided to grow the plant at 
home, in order to regularly administer it 
to her ailing son. A boy Kaitz had hired 
to mow her lawn reported the suspect 
garden to police, and Kaitz was arrested 
on drug charges. 

Law-enforcement officials asked 
Kaitz, “What if your son needed an oper- 
ation? Would you rob a bank?” The el- 


derly lady replied, “If it would cure 
{Barton’s] sickness, I would absolutely 
go to jail for life.” 

Seventy-year-old Mary Rathbun, a 
grandmother in San Francisco, Califor- 
nia, regularly bakes marijuana-laced 
brownies for AIDS sufferers whose ap- 
petites are suppressed by their illness. 

Known to the local residents as 
“Brownie Mary,” Rathbun has been ar- 
rested three times over the past decade 
for preparing her illicit confection. 
Rathbun maintains that her dispensing 
of the illegal substance is a strictly hu- 
manitarian venture, 

“No matter what happens, I'll con- 
tinue to provide my kids with [pot] 
brownies,” vows Rathbun, who proudly 
wears a gold pendant in the shape of a 
marijuana leaf around her neck. 

Former political speechwriter Robert 
Randall, founder of the Washington- 
based Alliance for Cannabis Therapeu- 
tics (ACT), smokes marijuana to ward 
off blinding glaucoma. ACT and the Na- 
tional Organization for the Reform of 
Marijuana Laws (NORML) regularly 
lobby the government for medical access 
to marijuana, but for now it remains ille- 


WwAIME ieee. 


56 


gal. The Drug Enforcement Administra- 
tion (DEA) classifies marijuana as a 
Schedule I substance—alongside chemi- 
cals such as PCP and LSD—meaning it 
has no medicinal value or application 
and must not be used even for experi- 
mental purposes. 

“Acceptance of the medicinal proper- 
ties of marijuana is widespread,” says 
ACT representative Alice O'Leary. Yet, 
according to the federal government, 
marijuana has no medical benefit. De- 
clares O'Leary, “We've won the war— 
we just can’t seem to win the battle.” 

An Asian herb of the mulberry family, 
marijuana was for many years one of the 
most important industrial crops grown in 
the United States. Colonial farmers used 
the tough bast fibers of the plant—then 
commonly known as hemp—to make 
clothes, rope, sails and paper. The plant 
was also used medicinally. 

Hemp became such an important sta- 
ple of the U.S. economy that, in 1762, 
the state of Virginia passed a law that lit- 
erally forced farmers to grow it. George 
Washington and Thomas Jefferson har- 
vested the herb alongside wheat and corn 
on their plantations. 

The list of the plant’s potential medi- 
cal applications grew almost yearly. To- 
ward the latter half of the 19th century, 
extracts of hemp were sold for medicinal 
purposes without prescription by rep- 
utable pharmaceutical companies such as 
Parke Davis, Squibb, Lilly and Bur- 
roughs Wellcome. 

In 1930, Harry Jacob Anslinger was 
named commissioner of the newly cre- 
ated Federal Bureau of Narcotics (FBN). 
Anslinger was ambitious and eager for a 
high-profile crusade. Despite the fact 
that marijuana was not a narcotic and 
therefore, technically, did not fall under 
the FBN’s jurisdiction, Anslinger chose 
to make the prohibition of the herb his 
number-one concern. 

Throughout the 1930s, Anslinger vig- 
orously campaigned to outlaw the culti- 
vation and possession of marijuana, 
demonizing the psychotropic effects of 
the herb with outlandish, invented tales 
of pot-induced madness. By 1937, 46 
states and the District of Columbia had 
complied. That same year, Congress—at 
Anslinger’s urging—enacted the Mari- 
juana Tax Act, despite the protest of the 
American Medical Association (AMA), 
which noted numerous beneficial prod- 
ucts containing marijuana then on the 
market. 

Partly through heavy-handed and in- 
accurate propaganda, Anslinger con- 
vinced the AMA not only to endorse his 
anti-hemp stand, but to ban research into 
the herb’s potential medical benefits. 

“By the 1970s,” notes Assistant Na- 


SEPTEMBER HUSTLER 


REPORT BY DON VAUGHAN 
Countless sufferers of debilitating illnesses find relief from 
pain only through smoking an illegal herb. Thousands of 
health-care professionals approve. Yet the United £ 


States government maintains marijuana - 


—_— 


has no medicinal value. y 


-§ . 


\ 
ILLUSTRATION 


Medical Marijuana 


In September 1993, Mildred Kaitz was 
sentenced to six months’ probation for 
the crime of growing marijuana at her 
home in Monticello, New York, a resort 
village deep in the Catskills. Kaitz, a 79- 
year-old grandmother, testified that she 
cultivated the illicit plant for use in eas- 
ing the debilitating illness of her 49- 
year-old son, Barton, whose body was 
racked by multiple sclerosis. 

According to Kaitz, only marijuana 
reversed her son's flagging appetite. 

“No matter what I put in front of him, 
[Barton] said, “No, Ma, I can’t [eat it],”” 
explains Kaitz, who says she herself has 
never smoked the herb. “Barton has 
trouble swallowing and chewing. Smok- 
ing marijuana relaxes his muscles 
{enough that he is able to eat].” 

Dismayed by the high street-price of 
pot, Kaitz decided to grow the plant at 
home, in order to regularly administer it 
to her ailing son. A boy Kaitz had hired 
to mow her lawn reported the suspect 
garden to police, and Kaitz was arrested 
on drug charges. 

Law-enforcement officials asked 
Kaitz, “What if your son needed an oper- 
ation? Would you rob a bank?” The el- 


derly lady replied, “If it would cure 
[Barton’s] sickness, I would absolutely 
go to jail for life.” 

Seventy-year-old Mary Rathbun, a 
grandmother in San Francisco, Califor- 
nia, regularly bakes marijuana-laced 
brownies for AIDS sufferers whose ap- 
petites are suppressed by their illness. 

Known to the local residents as 
“Brownie Mary,” Rathbun has been ar- 
rested three times over the past decade 
for preparing her illicit confection. 
Rathbun maintains that her dispensing 
of the illegal substance is a strictly hu- 
manitarian venture. 

“No matter what happens, I'll con- 
tinue to provide my kids with [pot] 
brownies,” vows Rathbun, who proudly 
wears a gold pendant in the shape of a 
marijuana leaf around her neck. 

Former political speechwriter Robert 
Randall, founder of the Washington- 
based Alliance for Cannabis Therapeu- 
tics (ACT), smokes marijuana to ward 
off blinding glaucoma. ACT and the Na- 
tional Organization for the Reform of 
Marijuana Laws (NORML) regularly 
lobby the government for medical access 
to marijuana, but for now it remains ille- 


WAS likevece. 


56 


gal. The Drug Enforcement Administra- 
tion (DEA) classifies marijuana as a 
Schedule I substance—alongside chemi- 
cals such as PCP and LSD—meaning it 
has no medicinal value or application 
and must not be used even for experi- 
mental purposes. 

“Acceptance of the medicinal proper- 
ties of marijuana is widespread,” says 
ACT representative Alice O'Leary. Yet, 
according to the federal government, 
marijuana has no medical benefit. De- 
clares O'Leary, “We've won the war— 
we just can’t seem to win the battle.” 

An Asian herb of the mulberry family, 
marijuana was for many years one of the 
most important industrial crops grown in 
the United States. Colonial farmers used 
the tough bast fibers of the plant—then 
commonly known as hemp—to make 
clothes, rope, sails and paper. The plant 
was also used medicinally. 

Hemp became such an important sta- 
ple of the U.S. economy that, in 1762, 
the state of Virginia passed a law that lit- 
erally forced farmers to grow it. George 
Washington and Thomas Jefferson har- 
vested the herb alongside wheat and corn 
on their plantations. 

The list of the plant's potential medi- 
cal applications grew almost yearly. To- 
ward the latter half of the 19th century, 
extracts of hemp were sold for medicinal 
purposes without prescription by rep- 
utable pharmaceutical companies such as 
Parke Davis, Squibb, Lilly and Bur- 
roughs Wellcome. 

In 1930, Harry Jacob Anslinger was 
named commissioner of the newly cre- 
ated Federal Bureau of Narcotics (FBN). 
Anslinger was ambitious and eager for a 
high-profile crusade. Despite the fact 
that marijuana was not a narcotic and 
therefore, technically, did not fall under 
the FBN’s jurisdiction, Anslinger chose 
to make the prohibition of the herb his 
number-one concern. 

Throughout the 1930s, Anslinger vig- 
orously campaigned to outlaw the culti- 
vation and possession of marijuana, 
demonizing the psychotropic effects of 
the herb with outlandish, invented tales 
of pot-induced madness. By 1937, 46 
states and the District of Columbia had 
complied. That same year, Congress—at 
Anslinger’s urging—enacted the Mari- 
juana Tax Act, despite the protest of the 
American Medical Association (AMA), 
which noted numerous beneficial prod- 
ucts containing marijuana then on the 
market. 

Partly through heavy-handed and in- 
accurate propaganda, Anslinger con- 
vinced the AMA not only to endorse his 
anti-hemp stand, but to ban research into 
the herb’s potential medical benefits. 

“By the 1970s,” notes Assistant Na- 


SEPTEMBER HUSTLER 


“Normally, I practice ‘catch and release.’ But you know, big fella— 
lately, the wife hasn’t been very affectionate.” 


“if | were a 
little girl again,” 

laughs 19-year-old 
TV starlet Bo with 
childlike enthusiasm, 

“I'd play house a whole 
different way. I’d want to 
be spanked!” 

The thing about babyhood 
the miss misses most is her handy pacifier. 

“My mother always told me to keep dirty 
things away from my mouth,” says Bo, tucking 
her tiny hands between her legs. “But Ill never 
grow up in that regard. I’m always looking for 

something to suck.” 


: fee 
a, 


pumila 
sTuelk 


se 


Photography by Suze Randa ——_ 
_ ieeb 


Medical Marijuana 


from the U.S. government for the next 
two years. When his supply was discon- 
tinued because he refused to stop pub- 
licly advocating marijuana as a medical 
treatment, Randall returned to court, de- 
manding that his access to medical mar- 
ijuana be reinstated. The government 
agreed to settle out of court. With that 
decision, the Compassionate Investiga- 
tive New Drug (CIND) program was 
created, 

Jointly administered by the Depart- 
ment of Health and Human Services, the 
National Institute of Drug Abuse and 
the Public Health Service (PHS), the 
CIND program offered hope to millions 
of ailing Americans for whom only 
marijuana could bring relief. Between 
January 1980 and June 1991, approxi- 
mately 16 people were approved to re- 
ceive marijuana cigarettes for medicinal 
purposes from the U. S. government, ac- 
cording to Rayford Kytel, PHS deputy 
news director, 

“There were five medical conditions 
associated with these requests,” says 
Kytel. “They included nausea associated 
with cancer chemotherapy, glaucoma, 


chronic pain due to a variety of condi- 
tions, muscle spasms due to multiple 
sclerosis and other conditions and HIV 
wasting syndrome.” 

Upon approval of their applications, 
CIND-program participants received ap- 
proximately 300 neatly rolled joints 
containing pot grown on a government 
farm at the University of Mississippi, 
along with a printed instruction to “use 
as directed.” 

In June 1991, under the auspices of 
the Bush administration, the CIND pro- 
gram was put under government review, 
and no new patients were added to the 
list of recipients. In March 1992, the 
program was discontinued, 

“The official reason for closing the 
CIND program was that there are alter- 
native therapies as good, if not better, 
than smoking marijuana available for all 
medical conditions associated with re- 
quests for marijuana cigarettes,” Kytel 
explains. 

“The government found itself in an 
untenable position,” believes ACT's 
O'Leary. “The DEA had been battling in 
court for 20 years, arguing that marijuana 


“312 pounds. Get the fuck off me!” 


68 


offered no medical value. For them to 
admit at the same time that hundreds of 
applications were being approved by the 
FDA for the medical use of marijuana 
{undermined their credibility ].” 

According to the PHS’s Kytel, eight 
CIND participants currently remain in 
the program. Robert Randall is one of 
the most public, but others have come 
forward to tell their stories and argue for 
the program’s reopening. 

Forty-one-year-old stockbroker Irvin 
Rosenfeld from Boca Raton, Florida, 
smokes government-provided marijuana 
several times a day to ease the pain of 
hundreds of bone tumors throughout his 
body. Neither surgery nor conventional 
medication provided the relief that 
smoking marijuana brings him, at least 
temporarily. Says Rosenfeld, “Marijuana 
is not a cure-all. It’s for someone who 
has nowhere else to go.” 

In 1991, Kenny Jenks of Panama 
City, Florida, who has hemophilia, be- 
came the first patient with AIDS to re- 
ceive government-grown marijuana. A 
recipient of a tainted blood transfusion, 
the once-active Jenks found himself 
wasting away, unable to eat because of 
the nausea that resulted from his AZT 
therapy. 

Physicians at the Bay Medical Center 
in Florida recommended half a dozen 
medications for Jenks’s nausea, all inef- 
fective. At an AIDS support group in 
Bay County, Jenks heard a patient say 
that marijuana had cured his nausea. 
Jenks immediately bought some dope 
and tried it. 

“It took only two or three puffs before 
my belly untwisted,” Jenks told the 
Miami Herald shortly before his death in 
July 1993. “Forty minutes later, I raided 
the kitchen, gobbling down food.” 

Jenks was arrested for the possession 
of marijuana, but was absolved when the 
Florida Supreme Court ruled that 
Jenks’s use of marijuana was not a crim- 
inal act, but one of medical necessity. 

Each of six studies funded by the 
Food and Drug Administration has con- 
cluded that marijuana is a safe, natural 
and effective treatment for a wide range 
of disorders. 

Even Francis Young, the administra- 
tive judge of the DEA, declared in 
1988: “Marijuana, in its natural form, 
is one of the safest therapeutically ac- 
tive substances known to man.” How- 
ever, the DEA rejected Young’s ruling 
in 1989, 

In a 1990 survey of 2,430 cancer spe- 
cialists from the American Society for 
Clinical Oncology, 48% of the respon- 
dents said that they would prescribe 
legal marijuana to patients suffering 

(continued on page 124) 


SEPTEMBER HUSTLER 


TALK OF TUSH AND TECHNIQUE 
WITH BUTTMAN CREATOR 
JOHN STAGLIANO 


KODAK LPP 


A 
O 
0 
> 
ras 
- 
U 
U 
o 
O 
rs 
Oo 


REPORT BY SELWYN HARRIS 
This is the life. This is the fucking life. 

Stately Butt Manor: The swank Mal- 
ibu digs of John Stagliano, creator of the 
hugely popular X-rated video series 
Buttman, renaissance masturhator and 
possessor of the most mispronounced 
surname in porn (for the permanent 
‘ y record, read aloud: STAH-lee-ahno). 
AK SO46 LPP é ~~ ap He is a man of eminent taste. The ex- 
bis quisitely fuckable female ass-meat 
Stagliano scouts on film attests to his 
discrimination, as does his spacious, 
dazzlingly equipped home: ocean view, 
organ-shaped pool, NASA-worthy enter- 
tainment systems, priceless art, piles of 
porn, and XXX-nubile Christy Lynn flit- 
ting about quite naked. It's cool stuff in a 
classy environment 

He's Buttman He s earned it. 


AK 5046 LPP 


Since the establishment of his Evil 
Angel video line in 1989, John Stag- 
liano’s impact on adult entertainment has 
been visceral, his mark unmistakable. 
The Buttman adventures have spanned 
the globe (Buttman’s European Vaca- 
tion, Buttman Goes to Rio). sprouted an 
all-girl companion series (Buttwoman, 
with sharp, sexy Tianna in the tail-chas- 
ing title role) and spawned numerous 


PHY BY DEAN KARR 


dd1l 4WdoO» 


9709 


ra 
| 


“ts al aa ty 8 
stile ear Bul in acon 


knockoffs and wannabes (Bruce Seven’s 
Bus Stop movies, Dick and Jane, Sey- 
more Butts). The basic Buttman concept 
sends Stagliano, camera in hand, to score 
with the most scrumptious-butted 
women he and a few friends can cajole 
into joining them. It’s a simple idea, 
strikingly executed and stunningly suc- 
cessful. Stagliano’s non-Buttman films 
(Face Dance, Bare Essence, Ponderosa) 
are elaborate explorations of the sexual 
underworld. As with Steven Spielberg, 
Stagliano’s name above a title guaran- 
tees an audience, and as with the best 
mainstream directors, the Stagliano im- 
primatur also guarantees a degree of ex- 
cellence. The Stagliano stamp promises 
that the viewer can whack himself silly 
to the product. Let’s hear any Oscar win- 
ner boast that! 

* ok * 

“I was always a porn freak. I love 
porn. I went to jail for porn.” 

Stagliano sits barefoot in his living 
room, organic rice in one hand, hyperac- 
tive phone receiver in the other. A base- 
ball mitt rests on a nearby table; an 
exercise bar runs the length behind John. 
Stagliano’s ripe-butt divinmg rod rests 


temporarily within the comfort of silk 
pajama pants. Stagliano’s reference to 
being incarcerated bears no connection 
to his own work, but rather to a film that 
played at Chicago’s adults-only Copen- 
hagen theater in 1977. He doesn’t re- 
member the movie's title, but it was an 
experience he'll never forget. 

“I was arrested for jerking off,’ 
Stagliano recalls bemusedly. “They put 
the cuffs on and everything.” 

Young John pulled a Pee-wee at the 
Copenhagen, his loin-pumping landing 
him briefly in the lock-up. “They brought 
me up on cruising charges,” remembers 
Stagliano. “You know, trying to pick up 
guys. But I had my coat over my lap the 
whole time. Whatever the movie was, it 
was great. | watched the guy and the girl 
really going at it, and I got into it my- 
self.” The charge was reduced to disor- 
derly conduct, but the affair remains a 
crucial piece in the makeup of Stag- 
liano’s onanistic integrity. 

“I was a Catholic altar boy,” he con- 
fesses; “so all the obvious guilt associa- 
tions with natural sex desires were 
instilled early.” Later trauma compli- 
cated the matter. “I broke up with a girl 


. 


“T see you visiting a doctor and punching out your girlfriend.” 


12 


in 1969 and just decided I shouldn't 
masturbate anymore. I held out for six 
months. It was very difficult. But I think 
that conflict—shame versus biology— 
makes for great art.” 

Not to mention a great pastime. 

* * * 

HUSTLER: You're specifically a di- 
rector of videos. Do you wish you could 
have made theatrical features? 

STAGLIANO: I frequented porn the- 
aters between the ages of 17 and 19. I 
loved them, because that was all we had, 
but I was never comfortable jerking off 
in the theaters. After all, you could be 
arrested. 

HUSTLER: So you think sex on 
screen is better served by video? 

STAGLIANO: I went back to a theater 
sometime around 1985 or °86. Seeing sex 
on the big screen again was really some- 
thing. But video allows for a lot of differ- 
ent variations on the form. You have 
tapes just for quick pops; other tapes you 
watch with a girl you’re dating. 

HUSTLER: What do you pop to? 

STAGLIANO: Recently, I’ve been 
into Private Video Magazine from Eu- 
rope. It’s quick and nasty, lots of anal 
sex. I don’t use my own movies to jerk 
off, but when I see one turn up ina 
multi-channel video booth, I know I'd 
stop and watch it if it weren’t mine. 

a * 1 

“What I love is the tease,” Stagliano 
says of his filmic finesse. “And butts. 
There wasn’t enough tease in porn, and 
there certainly wasn’t enough focus on 
butts. I had the idea for a tape on my butt 
fetish when somebody suggested making 
a movie with the camera as the lead en- 
tity. That’s where Buttman came from. 
I’ve been making movies for 11 years, 
starting with Bouncing Buns in 1983, 
and I’ve always gone for believability. 

“I love to look at a dick going into a 
pussy, but what really works for me is 
what leads up to that. I want to see the 
girl in a tight sweater or in a really tight 
skirt, and I want to follow her around 
and get to know her a bit before she 
takes her clothes off. The dick going 
into the pussy is great, but if you can re- 
move ten seconds of penetration and put 
in ten seconds of tease, that always 
makes me happier.” 

It’s made him rich too. 

The camera pans past the illicit glow 
of an all-night adult-book store, opening 
1989's The Adventures of Buttman. With 
careful, slow-moving fascination, the 
glass eye studies tarted-up Tianna, set- 
tling on her gravity-bamboozling butt 
cheeks. Tianna turns toward the darkness 
of the building's back passageways. 
Craven customer Jamie Gillis follows 


SEPTEMBER HUSTLER 


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Oooooh, shit! You should have called me sooner.” 


swiftly behind her. Gillis is set upon by a 
berserk, bottle-wielding biker-type. 

Frenzied pursuit follows. Gillis and 
Tianna elude their attacker. Money 
quickly changes hands. Gillis’s nose 
quickly changes places with Tianna's 
miniskirt. He inhales her ass-crack like 
fleshy oxygen; she wiggles in delight, 
happy to pump life into him through her 
pooper. The camera pours over every 
flawless curve of Tianna’s panty-cakes. 
She squats on Gillis’s hyperactive oral 
cavity while he handles his rod. A dildo 
appears. “That's going in your ass,” 
Gillis announces, tongue-lubing Tianna’s 
tail. She fingers her anal sphincter, then 
accepts every inch of the fake flank. Gillis 
pops his pecker into Tianna’s front end. 
They fuck until Gillis pulls out and spills 
spew all over Tianna’s spongy rump. 

The belligerent street freak suddenly 
reappears. Surprisingly, Gillis and 
Tianna express relief at his presence 
rather than terror. Cameraman John 
Stagliano enters the proceedings, reveal- 


ing Gillis and Tianna to be a couple of 


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kinksters who have staged and taped the 
scenario for their own prurient pleasure. 
* & * 
HUSTLER: What’s the hottest scene 
that you’ve directed? 
STAGLIANO: In Face Dance 2, prob- 


ably the best scene I ever shot in terms of 


BUTTMAN 


ON THE PROWL 


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BEND OVER BABES: BUTTMAN i - 


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FACE DANCE 


BUTTMAN’ Ss WORKOUT 
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the anal 
Kiss and 


energy was the office scene, 
three-way with Rocco Siffreddi, 
Rebecca Bardoux. It was the very last 
thing we shot after a week of nonstop 
work, and it was just this explosion of 
sex, | was breaking up with this girl, and I 
hadn't had an orgasm in seven days. 

HUSTLER: Breaking up seems habit 
ual on your part. 

STAGLIANO: But I was in a 
limo with Kiss, and she was rubbing her 
tits and asking about my girlfriend and 


I guess. 


really coming on to me, making me 


crazy. We shot the office scene after that, 

and it was great. 
HUSTLER: 

sex with the girls you work with? 


STAGLIANO: 
virility I once did, especially on- 


How often do you have 


I don’t have the same 
camera. I 
1 work harder at 
I dance hard, I 
play tennis, I enjoy being a businessman. 
Last week, Patrick 


think that’s because 
other aspects of my life. 


I’m also 42 years old. 
Collins [Stagliano’s partner] and I did a 
double penetration with a girl while her 
, but that was the 
I rarely flirt any- 
more with a girl who’s a stranger. 
HUSTLER: Who would you flirt with? 
STAGLIANO: Anna Nicole Smith. I 
Anna Nicole Smith: Sit on 


husband was there 
exception to the rule. 


love a big girl. 


my face. 


Rocco Siffreddi, 
celebrated male collaborator, 


Stagliano’s most 
is a dick- 
dipping De Niro to the director’s scum- 


KODAK LPP 604 


screen Scorsese. Like those of his big- 
budget counterpart, Stagliano’s films are 
characterized by an honest grittiness—a 
quality enhanced by the presence of 
balls-out Siffreddi. 


“Rocco is the Michael Jordan of porn,” 


estimates Stagliano. “He brings an en- 
ergy to a scene that no one else can. Al- 
most all problems that occur during the 
filming of a sex scene are related to the 
guy’s dick not working properly. If a 
guy’s dick won't get hard, there’s no 
way to make it happen. Rocco has never 
had any trouble. Girls /ove Rocco, espe- 
cially American girls.” 

Stagliano recounts one example of 
Siffreddi’s superiority: “It was in Butt- 
man Goes to Rio 4, Rocco picked up a 
girl in a nightclub. She had a face like an 
angel's, but once we got her upstairs, her 
pussy didn’t look so great, and it kind of 
smelled. Rocco never broke. He never 
slowed down. I never had to pause the 
camera, which is ideally how I like to 
shoot. One of the main reasons there’s so 
much bad porn out there is because the 
director and the editor end up patching 
all this footage together to make the 
scene better than it really was. I want my 
films believable above all else.” 

ae * a 

Leave it to John Stagliano to fly 
halfway around the world to spend time 
in toilet stalls. The stellar tail-steak that 
consorts with him and collaborative 


Wee Ky 
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cock-brandisher Rocco Siffreddi in said 
lavatories sets new standards in trans- 
continental ass adoration. 

Buttman's European Vacation sees 
Siffreddi sequestering dimple-butted 
Danish dish Silver in his hotel loo, her 
large, milky-fine meat-balloons swinging 
most appetizingly. Siffreddi snacks on 
the fun-sacks as Silver's wondrous bum- 
muffins shimmy in wait. The deviant 
Dane turns the tail on a stunned Sif- 
freddi by maneuvering into standard 
dick-suck position, then applying her wet 
mouth to the place Rocco's expecting it 
least. The anal tongue-bath launches 
Siffreddi; he frantically fucks the shining 
Silver on the sink, toilet and bathroom 
floor, filling at least one of her openings 
for each of the surfaces they schtup on. 

a * * 

HUSTLER: Does your personal life 
ever spill over into your movies? 

STAGLIANO: Yes. Mystic Pieces, 
which I shot six months before the first 
Buttman, starred Brandy Alexander. I 
was in a relationship with her for a year- 
and-a-half. Obviously, I liked Brandy, 
but fucking her was never all that satis- 
fying. There was a missing emotional 


“Thanks for calling. How can I help you, you no-good, miserable son of a bitch?” 


76 


connection between us, and I think that 
really came across in the movie, 

HUSTLER: Do you have any plans to 
take your work mainstream? 

STAGLIANO: Well, I’m trying. I'm 
writing an autobiographical script for a 
nonsex film that will actually be very 
sexy. It's about my experience in the 
early “80s as a dancer. 

HUSTLER: Didn’t you work at Chip- 
pendale’s? 

STAGLIANO: I danced in Chippen- 
dale’s first show ever in 1979, here in 
Los Angeles. Before that, I took dance 
classes at UCLA. There were always lots 
of girls in dance classes. That’s not why 
I dance now, but in 1976 I was in this 
Beginning Jazz class with six girls, and 
I'd fucked them all. 

HUSTLER: Was it a turn-on to strip 
for women? 

STAGLIAND: Oh, I'd get hard-ons 
onstage, but dancing was the most ful- 
filling thing, artistically, that I'd done up 
until that point. | wanted to dance in 
Vegas, but I was too short. The last seg- 
ment of the dance movie deals with a 
contest | won for a cable-TV network. 
They had a couples dance competition 
called “Shake It Sexy,” and I was able to 
combine my stripping background with 
my regular dance background, and do a 
really sexy, interesting piece with a girl 
in a white dress and myself in a Dracula 
suit. In my dancing days, I had a female 
hooker who was paying me for sex, and 
a woman who was mostly gay and heav- 
ily into S/M really pursuing me. 

HUSTLER: Did you always want to 
dance? 

STAGLIANO: No. I studied eco- 
nomics at first. Originally, | wanted to be 
a baseball player. | grew up in Chicago, 
and I’m a lifetime Cubs fan. That 
masochism of loving the Cubs, I think, 
has played an important part in making 
up who Iam. 

% * co 

Face Dance provides a best-case sce- 
nario of bringing work home. Stagliano 
opens his house to old pal Rocco Sif- 
freddi, fellow fuck-vet Tom Byron and 
the all-access orifices of strumpets 
Sierra and Chrissy Ann. 

Sierra poses prone on Buttman's sofa 
as Byron and Siffreddi approach her 
openings, meat in hand and a reworking 
of the term love seat in mind. On a 
nearby coffee table, cutie-cunt Chrissy 
Ann enticingly flexes her glands. Few 
sluts slurp dick like fleet-lipped Sierra; 
director Stagliano flawlessly depicts her 
frenzied gonad-gobbling. Sierra’s en- 
ergy is contagious. Byron and Siffreddi 
stick their stuff into every hole she has to 
offer. When Chrissy Ann calls out for a 

(continued on page 86) 


SEPTEMBER HUSTLER 


LEARN 
CHINESE 
IN ONE 


- Twenty-one-year-old tattoo artisan May Yum | 

- takes pains to make a lasting impression. 
_ “I won’t be rushed,” 
i  apleraisien displaying the delicate hand- 
~ iwork that transforms flesh into fantasy. 
“A worthy piece takes much time. Five” _ 
= hundred strokes may be needed before the =! _ 
‘€ _ job is done.” 4 
Is patience all May Yum desires from men 

"men in her gallery? 

“A yen for pain is helpful!” she smiles, 
expertly jabbing one e 4 
prick after another, | 


declares the Asian 4 : 


WA 


Photography by Clive M 


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ramming, Byron bears down and packs 
her pulsating poop hoop to her squeal- 
ing satisfaction. A lust-encrusted rail-to- 
tail marathon follows: Sierra yelps as 
she takes in Siffreddi’s tool, and Chrissy 
Ann quakes with her ass jammed full of 
Byron's beef baton. The fucking is fran- 
tic and fabulous, marked by the per- 
formers’ dynamism and, especially, 
Stagliano’s directorial panache. John 
redefines all prior notions of what it is to 
see a dick go up an ass. 

oe ak * 

To the Butt Station! 

The editing bay where Stagliano 
stitches his carnal creations together con- 
sists of a plush reclining chair set up be- 
fore a relatively modest-looking array of 
video equipment. Currently, he’s con- 
structing Buttman’s Inferno, its title 
taken from the California fires of 1993 
that came, literally, within inches of en- 
gulfing Butt Manor. 

“I shot the opening fire footage of 
Buttman’s Inferno from right out my 
back door,” Stagliano says. “The fire 
was scary, but right now what scares me 
about /nferno is that I’m 42 minutes into 
it, and there still isn’t any fucking. 


That's a lot of tease. That's too much 
tease; I'll have to edit it down.” 

Stagliano sets no limits, initially, on 
the nature of his sex scenes. “The ideal 
scene for me, as a director, is wrapped in 
mystery,” he explains. “I never plan the 
number of scenes, I don’t set any length, 
and I don’t call for specific positions. 
The character flow should tweak the sex- 
uality of the performers. My main goal is 
to expose the girl totally.” 

Venturing into speak-for-yourself ter- 
ritory, Stagliano continues: “I think 
most men—lI know I do—have some bi- 
sexual tendencies. I can get off on a 
girl-girl scene, but I prefer boy-girl. | 
always focus on the female body, but 
the erect penis is important, because it 
signifies arousal.” 

Stagliano’s cinematic technique has 
garnered marginal attention from so- 
called legitimate moviemaking journals. 
“Filmmaker magazine did a piece on me 
and [female blue-screen director] Can- 
dida Royalle,” he notes, “but, naturally, 
all they focused on were some sensa- 
tional points and not actual filmmaking. 
The porn stigma is this conception that 
porn directors are, like, kindergarten 


“The flight to Chicago was okay, but the airline screwed up 
and I got someone else’s bags, thank God!” 


86 


kids. My defensive reaction is always, 
What have you seen? What do you 
know? In fact, directing porn requires a 
lot of roles: psychologist, counselor, 
baby-sitter. Our actors and actresses are 
not hired for their ability to act. I won't 
write a scene until | know who’s going 
to be in it. I talk with them first and try 
to match their personal patterns, their ca- 
dence. It’s work.” 

* * * 

HUSTLER: Are you annoyed by your 
imitators? 

STAGLIANO: No, | don’t care. 

HUSTLER: What about someone like 
Seymore Butts, who's completely appro- 
priated your style? 

STAGLIANO: Seymore Butts was 
actually in Buttman’s Ultimate Work- 
out. He can be an arrogant kid, but he 
brings his own personality to his work; 
so | appreciate that. One of my personal 
beliefs is to never be jealous of other 
people’s success. 

HUSTLER: What are some of your 
other beliefs? 

STAGLIANO: Never take anything 
on faith. I’m explicitly an atheist. Belief 
in God, | think, leads to bad things psy- 
chologically. Don’t deny the mind. Ayn 
Rand was a tremendous influence on 
me. I’m one of the founding members of 
the California State Libertarian Party. 
What it comes down to is: Never take 
anything on faith. 

HUSTLER: Except Rocco Siffreddi. 

(Stagliano laughs.) 

HUSTLER: How do you assess your 
peers? 

STAGLIANO: John Leslie is a great 
director. His next movie, Dogwalker, is 
one of the best porn films ever made. 
I'm actually envious of Patrick Collins's 
ability to get all that great psychological 
insight he does in the Sodomania 
movies. Andrew Blake’s films are very 
pretty, and no one’s ever been able to get 
a quality like that, but his scripts are 
weak, and the sound is bad; he’s like a 
dancer with fabulous technique, but no 
soul. Bruce Seven is great. Greg Dark 
has interesting energy. His values are 
different from mine; he goes for the 
shock and the way-out, whereas I tend to 
be real. He likes it filthy, and he always 
pulls it off. 

* * * 

Tough girl Tiffany Million wantonly 
flits about a warehouse where scores of 
horny men are stored in Stagliano’s 
Face Dance 2. Pursued through its 
rooms by the ubiquitous Rocco Siffreddi, 
Million ends up knee-deep in a pool of 
mysterious fluids. Doffing her top, she is 
unexpectedly cascaded from on high by 
a pair of lads wielding water cannons 

(continued on page 124) 


SEPTEMBER HUSTLER 


co = 


“Remember: Driving and blowjobs don t mix.’ 


als Ss. SW. e . 


aS 
@ 


TO COMBAT CITY CRIME OR NATIONAL VICE, 
AMERICA COUNTS ON SWAT TO RESTORE LAW 
AND ORDER BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY. 


ELITE-FORCE OVERVIEW BY ADAM PARFREY 


Imagine waking up at 6 a.m. in a cheap 
motel room, drawing aside the curtains 
and seeing hundreds of armed police 
SWAT troops, in fact—outfitted in 
Kevlar vests and black paramilitary gear, 
H&K MP5s slung a.ound their shoulders, 
sidearms peeping from their holsters. 

Fortunately for the guests staying at 
the Orlando, Florida, Quality Inn, the 
elite commandos aren’t storming the 
motel. This particular mobilization—the 
largest assembly of tactical law enforcers 
in the United States—marks the com- 
mencement of the SWAT Round-Up, a 
high-energy get-together where special- 
weapons-and-tactics teams from across 
the nation compete to negotiate obstacle- 
and-shooting courses, attend seminars 
conducted by international tactical ex- 
perts, browse state-of-the-art ordnance 
and accessories and hoist a few beers in 
pursuit of good fellowship. 

A wiry, intense man named Dick 
Kramer sits in the motel coffee shop, 
carbo-loading from the breakfast buffet. 


Kramer—the preeminent illustrator of 


SWAT-style teams in action poses—sets 
up camp at the Round-Up to sell T-shirts 
and lithographs to the men in black. 


A SWAT member who posed in Col- 
lier County tactical duds for one of 
Kramer’s rough and realistic renderings 
stops to pay his respects. Kramer pumps 
his hand, a ball of enthusiasm. 

“You gotta love these guys,” says 
Kramer. “You won't meet a greater 
bunch of guys in the world.” 

Florida’s Orange County Sheriff's 
Range, home of the SWAT Round-Up, 
is located at the end of a bumpy dirt road 
that passes the county dump. Beyond the 
sanitation site—odoriferous in the 
Florida humidity—the flashing tower of 
a nuclear-power plant looms into view. 

“It stinks, and it glows, and I wouldn’t 
miss it for the world,” beams Kramer, 
steering his minivan among hundreds of 
police vehicles parked in the range. 

sk * 


a 
The Orange County Sheriff's Range is 
littke more than an open concrete cause- 
way with a metal roof, facing open 
fields. A shooting area extends to a 20- 
foot-high berm designed to absorb bul- 
lets. On the other side of the walkway 
stands a four-story tower constructed es- 
pecially for SWAT competition. 
According to Round-Up coordinator 


90 


Jeff Hopkins, himself a part-time SWAT 
officer for the Orlando Police Depart- 
ment, the SWAT Round-Up was orga- 
nized to build camaraderie and pool 
information among special-weapons- 
and-tactics teams nationwide. 

“We realized there was a [lack of op- 
portunity for] SWAT agencies to talk 
with each other,” explains Hopkins. 
“(Shared techniques and information] 
could have prevented some tragedies.” 
To get the teams to talk, Round-Up gets 
them to compete. 

“SWAT team people are by nature 
competitive,” says Hopkins. “The Round- 
Up is a hook to get the teams together.” 

Also competing at the SWAT Round- 
Up are merchants appealing to the spe- 
cial market. Among the most popular 
offerings are Dick Kramer’s T-shirts and 
drawings. Additional vendors find eager 
buyers for body armor, night-vision gog- 
gles, scopes, guns, training services, tar- 
gets, weapons magazines, holsters, “riot 
extinguishers” (huge fire extinguishers 
full of pepper mace) and distraction de- 
vices (known as “thunder flashes” or 
“flash bangs”). 

Cybergenics, a company that makes 
muscle-growth pills for bodybuilders, 
has come to the right event to hawk its 
wares. Many SWAT guys are body- 
builders, and move like the steel doors 
on bank vaults. 

“I see a place for bulk,” says Hop- 
kins. “I’ve done a lot of warrants where 
the guys would literally rip the door off 
its hinges.” 

Today’s Round-Up exercise, called 
“Survival City,” features an ersatz urban 
location built with movie-set-like false 
fronts. A bombed-out phone booth sits 
amid the bullet-frayed fronts like a high- 
tech scarecrow. 

“First off [in Survival City], a sniper 
has got to run up to a platform, set up and 
shoot a one-inch target at 75 yards,” ex- 
plains Hopkins. “After that, he leaves the 
weapon, goes out to meet his other peo- 
ple, and they all have to shoot one target 
with their handgun. Then they run down 
to a four-foot-by-eight-foot box, from 
whose hatch they have to pop up one at a 
time and engage outside targets.” 

In another Round-Up competition, 
called “Officer Rescue,” members of 
competing teams don gas masks and 
cross a canal on a rope. After a shooting 
exercise involving handguns, shotguns 
and submachine guns, team members rig 
a dummy and transport it back across 
the canal. 

In an exercise called “Tower Scram- 
ble,” two snipers scramble up a tower and 
shoot a four-inch target at 100 yards. The 
rest of the team tackles a shooting course 

(continued on page 100) 


SEPTEMBER HUSTLER 


Re mm 


“Time for your heart medicine, Mr. Watkins. You know how you might have a heart attack 
and die if you don’t take your heart medicine.” 


/ . 2 ne wae A) 
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SWAT 


called “Rolling Thunder,” where 30 tar- 
gets must be knocked over. The shooting 
team then regroups, joins the snipers at 
the top of the tower, and all rappel down 
to the finish line. 

The sky darkens above today’s exer- 
cise. A rainstorm sweeps across the 
fields. Amid the gunfire, team competi- 
tors take pratfalls in the mud. 

oe * * 

One of Dick Kramer’s most popular 
lithographs depicts a pair of SWAT 
members suiting up in their patented 
black outfits, fitting gas masks over their 
faces. The caption reads: TIME To TAKE 
OuT THE GARBAGE, 

By and large, the SWAT members at 
the Round-Up see themselves as spe- 
cially equipped and rigorously trained 
good guys out to clean up a manifestly 
dirty society. 

“Cops are the only real people left,” 
laments Al Baker, a 21-year veteran of 
the Emergency Service Unit (ESU) of 
the New York Police Department 
(NYPD)—New York City’s version of 
SWAT. “Cops are out there in the 
streets of the cities witnessing day after 
day the rapes, the child molestations, the 


violence, the murders, the drugs, the 
guns—the whole litany of the degenera- 
tion of society. They're the first ones to 
see it, and they’re the first ones to feel 
it. Cops are very sensitive to the pre- 
cious things in life. A lot of people don’t 
realize that.” 

* * * 

“There’s two schools of thought in 
SWAT,” says the Round-Up’s Hopkins. 
“It’s L.A. [SWAT] versus New York 
[ESU]. The New York frame of mind is 
that, if someone is in a building with five 
hostages, and he’s shooting hostages 
well, eventually he’s gonna run out of 
hostages. They’re not going to enter that 
building. They'll talk a man to death, but 
they won’t go in and shoot him. The 
West Coast, on the other hand, considers 
forced entry a very viable option.” 

“Isolate, contain and negotiate,” states 
the ESU’s Baker, outlining East Coast 
SWAT tactics. “In the ‘early years, after 
the so-called success of hostage negotia- 
tion on the East Coast, and the so-called 
birth of SWAT on the West Coast, 
NYPD developed the posture of “SWAT, 
We're Not.’ It was almost as though we 
didn’t want to be seen as black-faced, 


100 


camo-dressed people who would take a 
guy oul, so to speak, in a heartbeat, 
which was the way they were headed on 
the West Coast. The ESU is still not 
called a SWAT team.” 

The distinguishing modus operandi of 
SWAT teams—attacking domestic terror- 
ists in urban-guerrilla manner—was Cre- 
ated in Los Angeles in response to the 
1965 Watts riots. The idea of a special- 
weapons-and-tactics team was born in the 
mind of former Los Angeles Police De- 
partment (LAPD) chief Daryl Gates. 
Gates, at the time commander of the 
Metro Squad, imagined a small unit of 
special forces that would handle labor dis- 
putes and, as he put it, “shake, rattle and 
roll—that is, roust—anything strange that 
moved on the streets.” Gates’s mandate 
was to create military-style teams consist- 
ing of a leader, a marksman, an observer, 
a scout and a rear guard. By 1967, Gates 
had consolidated 220 SWAT-style raiders 
in his Metro Squad, but they were still 
without a signature title. 

The official “Special Weapons and 
Tactics,” or SWAT, team debuted in an 
operation against renegade Black Pan- 
thers barricaded in South Central Los 
Angeles. Moments before the Panthers 
surrendered, SWAT was preparing a 
grenade launcher to gain entry. 

The original SWAT team became fa- 
mous in 1974, when it was used in a 
shoot-out with members of the Sym- 
bionese Liberation Army (SLA)—the ter- 
rorist group notorious for the kidnapping 
of newspaper heiress Patty Hearst. The 
SLA standoff ended when the private 
house in which the group was ensconced 
burned to the ground. By Gates’s esti- 
mate, the SLA fired 3,772 rounds of am- 
munition; the SWAT force, 5,371. 

Despite these well-publicized inci- 
dents of destruction—and a 1970s TV 
series that pictured SWAT as a trigger- 
happy, confrontational bunch—SWAT 
forces are quick to avow that their pur- 
pose Is to save lives. 

“Let’s say you use untrained police in 
a hostage situation,” hypothesizes a 
longtime LAPD SWAT member. “Cops 
are accustomed to taking action individ- 
ually or in two-man groups, in which 
case you might have indiscriminate fir- 
ing. In the time I was with LAPD 
SWAT, we had 1,200 armed call-ups 
and approximately 20 deaths, including 
seven from the SLA shoot-out. That's a 
darn good percentage.” 

“There’s no acceptable casualty ratio 
in SWAT,” states the Round-Up’s Hop- 
kins. “The military might say, “We have 
an objective, and if we have only a five- 
percent casualty rate, we consider it a 
success.” In SWAT, there are no accept- 

(continued on page 114) 


SEPTEMBER HUSTLER 


| 


| 
DBRAAIRARINADERRED 7S 


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“The defendant will approach the bench.” 


DRAGHIXA 


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DRAGHIXA ABOVE THE ROAR OF ROTORS, WRAPPING SABLE~SOFT SKIN IN 
OF ECSTASY. ESTIMATED TIME OF ARRIVAL: RIGHT NOW. 


WARM MINK. “I’M ALMOST THERE!” || DRAGHIXA’S TEHITMITT, Tat HEIGHT 


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ay meaty Canary Pron? Ca -GRMELER 91319 


Tre day of her scheduled procedure, Mary waited in 
the abortion clinic. Next to her, a woman sat calmly 
working with yarn and knitting needles. 

“Excuse me,” Mary asked, “but isn’t it kind of sick 
for you to be knitting baby booties right before you 
have an abortion?” 

“Oh, I’m not making booties,” the woman answered. 
“It’s a body bag.” 


Question: Why don’t Jews drink? 
Answer: It interferes with their suffering. 


S.ewart, a supermarket bag boy, carried a divorcée’s 
bundles into the parking lot. 

Eyeing her hunky helper, the horny woman purred, 
“ve got an itchy pussy.” 

“Well, you better point it out,” Stewart responded. 
“All those Japanese cars look alike to me.” 


Qhestion: How many mice does it take to screw in a 
lightbulb? 

Answer: Just two. The problem is getting them in the 
lightbulb. 


Beying in bed with his wife, a farmer reached over and 
stroked her bare breasts. “You know, Maybelle,” he 
said, “if these gave milk, we could sell the cow.” 

Sighing, Maybelle patted her husband’s crotch. “And 
if this stayed hard longer,” she said, “we could fire the 
farmhand.” 


A lawyer and a Catholic priest found themselves with 
two children in front of the last lifeboat on a rapidly 
sinking ship. 
“There’s room for only two of us,” the lawyer said to 
the priest. “Let’s you and me take it. Screw the kids!” 
Perplexed, the clergyman asked, “Do you think we’ll 
have time before the ship goes down?” 


D.:is asked the pharmacist: “Do you have condoms 
in size extra-extra-large?” 

“Yes,” he responded. “Do you want some?” 

“No thanks,” Doris said. “But would you mind if | 
hung around until someone comes in who does?” 


Qhestion: What do you get when you cross a black 
and an Indian? 
Answer: A Sioux named Boy. 


Tex brought a hooker to his hotel room. “I want to try 
something really different,” he said, 

“Okay,” she told him. “We'll do a 69.” 

The hooker lowered her snatch toward Ted’s lips. 
Suddenly, she let loose a loud, stinking fart. 

Ted jumped and ran for the door. 

“What's the matter?” the hooker called after him. 

“No way can I stand 68 more of those,” he replied. 


QDrestion: What goes clip-clop, clip-clop, BANG, 
clip-clop, clip-clop? 
Answer: An Amish drive-by shooting. 


| washed up on the shore of a deserted island. 
All alone he sat as the weeks dragged by, until finally a 
sheep came wandering along the beach. 

Unnaturally horny, Thomas grabbed the animal. Just 
as he got the sheep still, however, a dog ran out from 
the woods. The hound bit Tom’s legs and clawed at him 
until he let the sheep go. 

For many months, this continued: Thomas would at- 
tempt to get intimate with the sheep, and the dog would 
attack. 

Eventually, a beautiful blonde came in with the tide. 
She was unconscious and near death. Thomas pumped 
her chest and blew into her lungs until she was success- 
fully revived. 

Coming to, the blonde was incredibly grateful. 

“You saved my life!” she told Thomas. “How can I 
repay you? I'll do anything. Anything!” 

Tom pointed at the woods and said, “Hold that dog.” 


The HUSTLER Dictionary defines wedding as: a funeral 
where you smell your own flowers. 


HUSTLER Humor jokes are sent to us by our readers. If 
you've heard a gut-buster lately, why not send it our 
way? Submit your jokes on 3" X 5" cards, mailed in a 
sealed envelope, to HUSTLER Humor, 9171 Wilshire 
Boulevard, Suite 300, Beverly Hills, CA 90210. If your 
joke is selected, we'll send you a check for $50. Sorry — 
we cannot return submissions. && 


SEPTEMBER HUSTLER 


SWAT 


able casualties. We don’t want to kill the 
bad guy. Say we got a call on a guy 
holding a gun on himself. He’s dis- 
traught. He puts the gun down on the car 
seat and moves his hand away for a sec- 
ond. Immediately a thunder flash goes 
off in front of his windshield. One of us 
breaks the rear right window of his car. 
While all this is happening, two SWAT 
guys come in on him. One guy grabs his 
hand, the other guy grabs his head and 
yanks him out the window. In a police 
intervention without SWAT, the guy 
would have walked off, and the officers 
might be forced to shoot him.” 

SWAT’s dictum of no acceptable tac- 
tical casualties was breached in February 
1993 during the initial raid on the Branch 
Davidian compound in Waco, Texas. 
Four officers of the Bureau of Alcohol, 
Tobacco and Firearms (ATF) were killed 
in the raid. When the FBI finally moved 
in with tanks, delivering CS gas into the 
flimsy walls, the compound went up in 
flames, burning to death nearly 80 mem- 
bers of the renegade Seventh-Day Ad- 
ventist sect. Reports issued by the 
Treasury and Justice departments, who 
investigated the siege, concluded that the 


initial raid had been poorly planned and 
poorly executed. Stephen Higgins, chief 
of the ATF, offered his resignation. Ex- 
perts tapped by the Justice Department, 
all friends of law enforcement, were not 
favorably impressed with the final results 
of the siege. 

“If you ask the ATF and the FBI,” 
says the ESU’s Baker, “they'll tell you 
they're the best hostage-rescue units in 
the world. They have the most advanced, 
state-of-the-art equipment, but they don’t 
have the hands-on experience that New 
York or L.A. SWAT has.” 

According to the Round-Up’s Hopkins, 
there's a trend toward greater cooperation 
between the nation’s top law-enforcement 
agencies. Increasingly, federal agents are 
signing up with the National Tactical Of- 
ficers Association (NTOA), a group 
founded in 1983 to promote better com- 
munication among SWAT units. 

NTOA President Larry Glick esti- 
mates that there are at least 20,000 
SWAT officers nationally affiliated with 
350 major metropolitan police offices. In 
keeping with the philosophy of strength- 
ening ties between federal and local 
SWAT officers, the NTOA presented its 


sg tas 


“Run for your lives! Earthquake!!” 


1993 Valor Award to ATF agent Tim 
Chisholm for bravery in the raid on the 
Branch Davidian compound. In addition, 
the FBI's Special Operations and Re- 
search Unit (SOARU) will be working 
with 75 law-enforcement agencies to es- 
tablish a crisis-management database to 
share with SWAT units nationwide. 

“We have SWAT teams in every 
major city and many of the smaller 
cities, where they're getting involved in 
more sophisticated weapons, tactics and 
training,” says the ESU's Baker. “The 
only thing that makes New York City 
different from Paducah, Kentucky, is 
that we in New York have more people 
and more opportunities to better our 
skills. But [today, we're seeing] an ex- 
plosion of training and equipment. Di- 
versionary devices have become more 
professional and better understood. 
Years ago, people would have asked, 
‘Why put a silencer on a submachine 
gun? What are you trying to do, be like 
James Bond?’ There was a recent inci- 
dent in France where a SWAT team 
came in to rescue a group of schoolchil- 
dren who were being held hostage. They 
took out the suspect without the sound of 
gunfire. [When a SWAT team entering a 
crisis zone] hears a gunshot, they know 
immediately it can’t be their own.” 

* co * 

Back at the Round-Up, the major buzz 
surrounds the next likely development 
for America’s domestic tactical forces: 
the Soldier Integrated Protective Ensem- 
ble (SIPE), which turns ordinary foot 
soldiers into computer-aided “termina- 
tors” by integrating a thermal sight that 
provides instant smart targets for their 
rifle fire. It is estimated that this technol- 
ogy will be available to military and po- 
lice organizations by the year 2000. 

Another topic of discussion is the cur- 
rent legislative push to suppress public 
access to silencer technology, assault ri- 
fles and Black Talon ammunition, part of 
an ongoing strategy to give the police the 
upper hand in armed confrontations, 
Most SWAT members queried at the 
Round-Up support the civilian ban on 
such sophisticated weapon technology. 

As for banning guns altogether, many 
of the members are ambivalent, but oth- 
ers believe that President Bill Clinton's 
Omnibus Crime Act of 1994, which im- 
poses further restrictions on firearms, 
could lead to future SWAT confronta- 
tions involving a new breed of criminal: 
formerly law-abiding gunowners. 

“The biggest threat that faces law en- 
forcement is the radical right,” asserts 
one LAPD SWAT member. “They think 
that the right to bear arms is a concept 
direct from God. They're likely to shoot 
it out to the death.” @& 


SEPTEMBER HUSTLER 


“Eunice, will you and your big, beautiful, fat fucking ass marry me?” 


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_ PHOTOGRAPHY BY MATT! KLATT 


___SOFTTAIL ENTHUSIASTS SHAUNA AND 
CHELLE b KNOW A GOOD THING WHEN THEY 
NAKING RU 


'T A BUSHY 
IDER. “I CAN GET THE SA LING BY 
ING NICHELLE EAT ME TILL | NEARLY 
OME, THEN PUSHING HER AWAY.” 
EADFAST DEFENDER OF DUAL-FIRE 
TION SYSTEMS, TAWNY NICHELLE IS 
ea DETERMINED TO RIDE HARD. 
“as LONG AS I'M DRIVING,” NICHELLE 
, INCREASING HER BRUISING HOLD ON 
{SHAUNA MILK-WHITE THIGHS, “I'LL NEVER 
LOSE MY GRIP.” 


= 


{| \ 
. ‘ \ 


Marijuana 


from nausea and overall physical dis- 
comfort brought about by chemother- 
apy. A slightly smaller percentage 
admitted—off the record—that they had 
already recommended illegal dope to at 
least one patient. 

The AMA has no formal policy on the 
medicinal use of marijuana, but the 
House of Delegates of the California 
Medical Association voted to adopt a 
resolution stating that marijuana may be 
appropriate for certain medical condi- 
tions. In addition, the House of Dele- 
gates of the American Medical Student 
Association unanimously endorsed the 
reclassification of marijuana from Sche- 
dule I to Schedule II, meaning the herb 
could be prescribed by physicians. 

The DEA, however, refuses to re- 
schedule marijuana, maintaining that it 
does more harm than good. PHS repre- 
sentatives Kytel and James Mason refer 
patients suffering from chemotherapy 
side effects to a synthetic form of THC 
(marijuana’s chief intoxicant) called 
dronabinol, which is marketed under the 
name Marinol. Some users of Marinol 


say they find relief from this pill form of 


THC, but many complain that Marinol is 
less effective than THC in its natural 
form. According to a National Cancer 


eS ee 


Institute fact sheet entitled Marijuana 


for Chemotherapy-Induced Nausea and 


Vomiting: “Research has shown that the 
active ingredient THC is more readily 
and quickly absorbed from marijuana 
smoke than from an oral preparation of 
the substance.” 

Notes ACT’s O'Leary, “Marijuana 
has no pharmaceutical sponsor, nor will 
it ever. There is no advantage to a phar- 
maceutical company to get involved in 
the medicinal applications of marijuana, 
because it can’t [make money off it]. It's 
a financial issue.” 

In March 1992, DEA Chief Robert 
Bonner ruled against a legal effort to 
allow medicinal prescription of mari- 
juana, calling his decision “a final rule 
concluding the plant material mari- 
juana has no currently accepted medi- 
cal use.” 

The irony of Bonner’s decision is 
that, in order to qualify as having ac- 
cepted medical use, a substance must 
have widespread availability in the med- 
ical community—which is impossible 
for a substance subject to legal prohibi- 
tion, such as marijuana. 

Bonner concluded, “Beyond doubt, 
the claims that marijuana is medicine are 
false, dangerous and cruel.” 

To the countless ailing Americans 
who have found in marijuana their only 
relief from pain, it is crueler to deny 
them medicine. 


theese 


PET 


“Do you have a flashlight?” 


between their legs. She zestily bathes in 
their goading showers—smiling, caress- 
ing herself, savoring every drop. The 
scene showcases Stagliano at his direc- 
torially cagiest: He expertly sets up the 
scenario’s most obvious question—Is 
she getting doused by what 1 think she 
is?—then provides the answer by 
craftily cutting to the overhead hy- 
draulics. Sure, it's just a couple of guys 
putting hoses where their penises should 
be, but Stagliano has made his mesmer- 
izing impact: The piss-hungry viewer is 
treated to a hypnotic water folly, while 
government forces unfriendly to body 
functions are simultaneously tweaked 
and eluded. By the time Siffreddi steps 
into the picture to stuff his boff stick way 
deep into Million’ s stool box, the overall 
effect is positively exhausting. Not to 
mention brilliant. 


Work has resumed for the men prun- 
ing trees in the hills that surround 
Stagliano’s compound. As the nude 
Christy Lynn joins the ass-obsessed au- 
teur poolside, he announces, “Look at 
her! Look at that incredible butt!” The 
tree-dwelling hard hats require no such 
encouragement. 

Stagliano accepts a mouthful of 
Christy’s adorably pert A cups and de- 
clares, “Make sure you put this in the 
magazine: I don’t like fake tits. Visually, 
they're less appealing than any natural 
form, and playing with tits that have been 
done is just no fun, I’d much rather have 
Christy’s tiny tit than, say, Savannah’s, 
and Savannah’s got an amazing butt.” 

Are there any other starlets Stagliano 
would prefer to pass on? 

He pauses. “I don’t know why Victo- 
ria Paris is as big a star as she is,” he re- 
marks. “Certainly, Victoria Paris has her 
place in the industry, but I can’t figure 
out why she’s so huge. I don’t want to 
be negative. Ask me about the fine na- 
tion of Brazil. I’m bigger than the presi- 
dent in Brazil. I love Brazil!” 

Stagliano descends, tuxedo-clad, into 
the hot tub with Christy. They share 
laughs and champagne as a photogra- 
pher clicks away. When wood is called 
for, Christy is happy to conjure it, de- 
scending on Buttman’s crotch with hand 
and tongue. 

Of course Stagliano wants to accentu- 
ate the positive. Intelligent, well-spoken, 
wildly successful and with a porn girl 
sucking his dick in front of his own pri- 
vate butt palace, how could he be any 
other way? 

This is the life. This is the fucking life. @ 


rating © le 
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Cruces 


1 Christy dream 


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NOTE: PRIZE MONEY SENT TO MODEL ONLY 


ion of $250, | hereby give HUSTLER Magazine, its a 


; any these photos ond 
he fed magazines. | cer 
j oN) : 
i vd pacity to execute 
* i Mi! 
NY ALIAS, NICKNAME, STAGE OR PRO NAMI 
THAT ALL OF THE INFORMATION | 
JAME TO PUBLISHI JE AND CORRECT, 
DATE OF BIRTH PHONE (INCLUDE AREA 


\ODEL'S SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBI! 


mio. ° 
ans: , 


What does a housewife do all day? If she’s 18- 
year-old Christy of Goshen, Ohio, she takes ; 
noked pictures of herself. She also enjoys 
crafts and, of course, sex. Feminists beware of 
this daredevil’s fantasy: watching her husband 


force a woman to have oral and anal sex with him. 
Photo by Friend 


“nor sleet nor snow stops \ovel 


ing her hottest spols- She wor 
York, and enjoys oth motor 


\yzerne, New 

riding. SUTIN that o gitl 0 Y ng—she s 11—wow 
desire to nave sex 0 Grateful Dead show again, that’s 
probably the best way '° enjoy the music. hoto by Frie 

‘ 


photo by FF 


This thirst-quenching oasis is called Sondra Lynn, and 4 B i 

she’s located in Las Vegas, Nevada. Sondra’s a ; 

model/entertainer in the nation’s pleasure capital. 

; Offstage, this 30-year-old cutie digs swimming, horseback riding and “star- 
: ° ing at men’s hard bodies.” Having sex on a sandy public beach is her most honorable fantasy. 

Photo by Friend 


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