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HUSTLER 


APRIL 1999 VOLUME 25 NUMBER 11 


Bits & Pieces 
What Would Jesus Do? 
Edited by Matt Wayne 


HUSTLER HOLLYWOOD 


A Store Is Born 


Feedback 
Kisses, Hugs and Bitch Slaps 
From HUSTLER Readers 


Debbie: Second to None 
Beaver Hunt Finalist #2 
Photography by Matti Klatt 


Life Taker 
HUSTLER Ad Parody 


Dear Slut 
XXX Star Jeanna Fine Tells the Fucking Truth 


Gia: Portrait of a Lonely Lady 
Photography by Clive McLean 


Hot Letters 
Stiff Reading for Happy Hands 


Erotic Entertainment 
Spantaneeus Gang-Bang Breaks Record 
Edited by Tim Kenneally 


Sex Play 

Tools of the Trade 

Wood Secrets of Porn’s Top Swordsmen 
Report by Mare Star 


Antonia and Desiree: 
Sisters in Sin 
Photography by Matti Klatt 


Exile on 42nd Street 
The Twilight of Sleaze on the Deuce 
Report by Guy Gonzalez 


Lani: Sex and the Maiden 
Photography by James Baes 


Jagg: Born-Again Pagan 
Centerfold Photography by Clive McLean 


HUSTLER Humor 
Edited by J. M. Heaney 


Red-Hot XXX UFO Sex 
Sleazebags From Outer Space 

Are Stealing Our Women! 

Report by Peter Huston 

Dirk and Kitty: Choad Warrior 
Photography by Matti Klatt 


Beaver Hunt 
Sluts of America Unite 


Tyra: Baptism by Filth 


Photography by Joanie Allum 


HUSTLER Online 
http://www. hustler.com 


HUSTLER 


LARRY FLYNT 


editor and publisher 
JIM KOHLS 
President 
THOMAS CANDY 


executive vice-president 


DONNA HAHNER 
corporate vice-president 


Liz FLYNT 


vice-president, administration 


ALLAN MacDONELL ecutive editor 
W. T. NELSON art director 
TIM KENNEALLY entertainment editor 
DWAINE TINSLEY cartoon editor 
MATT WAYNE EY Ces editor 
DAVID BUCHBINDER features editor 
J. M, HEANEY 

DICK PURSEL associate editors 
NANCY JACK research director 
USEN GANDARA __asoistant art director 
PHILIP SANGUINET copy chiet 
M.R. SMITH 


EMILY WRIGHT 


COMPUTER GRAPHICS 
ANDREA LANDRUM, network systems director 
BRANDON S. PHILLIPS 
network systems administrator 
MARIE B. QUIROS, LISA W. JONES, 
network systems operators 
PHOTOGRAPHY 
LAURA CODON, talent coordinator 
KARYN PINSKY, talent/photo assistant 
JAMES BAES, MATT! KLATT. 

CUIVE McLEAN, LADI VON JANSKY, 
Photographers 
MARLENE TURRIETTA, studio administrator 
KENNETH DeMARTINES, prc designer 
JAMES SMITH, studio coordinator 
JACQUES CORCUERA, construction coordinator 


PRODUCTION 
KRISTINA ETCHISON, production manager 
ANA HILDEBRAND, TARA HOBBS, 
production assistant 
CHARLENE LOVE, record keeper/fim archivist 
ADVERTISING 
ALLEN MAINE, national advertising direct 
323) 951-7907 
GINA J. LEE, advertising production director 
MASUD KHAN, advertising producti 
SUBSCRIPTIONS 
R. J. SWIRCZ, subscriptions director 
subserip 


uctk 


PERRY GRAYSON, vice-president, ad 
TONY TANG, vice-president, flynt digital 
DAVID WOLINSKY vice-president, finance 


HUSTLER (/SSN-0149-4635), Vol, 25, No. 11, April 1999, The U.S. edition of 


WUSTLER is published monthiy with 0 8 month in 
August by LPP, Ine. st 6484 Wi 900, Beverly 
ais, CA 90211. Copyright © 1998 LEP, Ine. All rights reserved. Nothing 
may be reproduced in whole or m part without wrmten permission of the 


publaner Retuin pos 


ecompany all manuscripts, photos, 
ratumed. and no responsibilty can be 
i Letters sent to MUSTLER will be treat: 
Ned for publication and copyright purposes 
‘edit and comment editorially, Any 
8 depicted in the ficbon sections 
€8 is purely coincident 


fe 


¢ said photos nor words used to describe them are © 
Gepict models’ actual conduct, statements or personales 


‘SUBSCRIPTION INFORMATION: For subscription customer service, cal (81S) 
TMI A one-year subscription is $38.5 For foreign subscriptions, add $10 
US funds Back tse 

Ad apphcable sa 


resent MUSTLER': standard sub 
feration rate and shoud not be conted wit special subscripton ofers 
sometines néverited Change of adéress Allow sa weets’ advance notice 
and end both your old and new aGéresien ATTN. POSTMASTER. Sand 
change of adéres to: MUSTUER PO. Box 474 Mi. Moris, IL 61054-0474 
Agpirc ator to yrrodic ais postage rate pending at Beverty Hills, CA and 

onal mang ofices. MUSTLEA Ws regatered in the US. Patent and 
Trademan Office by LEP. Inc lnformaton conceming models who appear 
ig ths publication is located at BAB Wilshire Boulevard, Beverly His 
Catttorma 90211, under the supervision of Charlene Love. Printed in the USA. 


‘All nude models ave 18 years of age ot 
Cover photo by Matti 
Visit HUSTLER on the Web at http://www.hust 


com 


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2) 


ASSHOLE OF THE MONTH 


The price of free speech is that intel 
ligent Americans must endure the 
bombast of fatheads and blowhards. 
We at HUSTLER are patriotic citi. 
zens. We agree to put up with the 
gassy raving of petty moralists. But 
one false-fronted hypocrite strains 
an open-minded public's tolera 
beyond what the framers of the First 
Amendment intended. That gross 
offender is sanctimonious lardass 
William Bennett, HUSTLER’s Asshole 
of the Month for April 1999. 

It's hard to explain who William 
Bennett is. In his 55 years on the 
planet, he has never actually done 
anything. Bennett's primary activity 
is collecting royalties from The Book 
of Virtues, a preachy tome of ancient 
fables of which William Bennett is 
not even the author 

Bennett gained prominence as a 
do-nothing during his tenure as sec 
retary of education for President 
Ronald Reagan. Bennett contributed 
to the drastic slide of our education 
system by striking a combative pose 
against teachers and telling college 
students, whom he referred to as 
“beach bums,” that they did not 
need government aid. 

Fresh on the heels of his failure in 
the academic sector, Bennett was 
appointed in 1989 by President 
George Bush to be America's first 
drug czar. Bennett, a man given to 
moralistic braggadocio, proclaimed 
“Lam committed to reclaiming our 
streets and our children from the grip 
of drug abuse.” Bennett's assertion 
that beheading dope dealers is “a 
morally proportionate response” 
sums up his philosophy for curing 
addiction. Eighteen months into the 


battle, tough-talking Bennett surren 
dered his drug job and proclaimed: 
“The reality is clear. This country is 
beginning to break its interest and 
habit on drugs.” 

That lie and ten bucks buys a vial 
of crack in any U.S. town from a 
dealer who was never taught to read. 

Bennett maintained his perfect 
streak of ineffectuality as chairman 
of the Republican Party. In 1990, 
Bennett took this $300,000-a-year 
post. Once the work started, Bill fal- 
tered, quitting within months. 

Since then, Bennett has held no 
productive office. He rakes in $40,000 
@ pop for his moralizing lectures and 
publishes fat, dull books of virtue. 
Much of Bennett's real work is done 
by writer Peter Wehner. Wehner 


rarely receives credit. Bennett pockets 
the hog's share of the profits. 
Bennett desperately promotes 
himself as hall monitor of the national 
soul. He warns that “nothing less is 
at stake than civilization” from the 
poisons of Bart Simpson, rap music 
and sleazy talk shows. Bennett's 
Empower America has marshalled 
attacks against these evils and also 
against advertising that promotes 
“self-aggrandizement.” True to form, 
Bennett's war against crap media 
has failed to dent any of its targets. 
Bennett's latest publication is The 
Death of Outrage: Bill Clinton and 
the Assault on American Ideals. This 
book laments a lack of moralistic 
hysteria from “the American people.” 
Since we the citizenry have not 


marched up Pennsylvania Avenue to 
lynch Bill Clinton, we have fallen 
short of Bennett's standards. 

William Bennett should ask him 
self, Why am | a total failure as a cru- 
sader? The answer: Bennett embodies 
the seven deadly sins more than he 
personifies any list of virtues. 
Avarice: “| didn't take a vow of 
poverty,” said Bennett when quitting 
the 300-grand-per-year Republican 
chair. Would Bill keep a vow of 
poverty any more than he kept his 
other commitments? After making 
$5 million from The Book of Virtues, 
poverty is no longer an issue. 
Gluttony: Bennett preaches self-dis- 
cipline for the rest of us. He is esti- 
mated to be 100 pounds overweight. 
Sloth: The work record speaks 
volumes. 

Pride: Bennett arrogantly believes 
that his way of thinking is the only 
correct way of thinking. Everyone 
else is talking “pap” and “stuff that 
thymes with pap.” 

Lust; William Bennett won't travel 
with female aides. If he can’t trust 
himself, why should anyone else? 
Wrath: “If | were [God], Clinton 
would be gone, with my pinkie.” 
Envy: Quoth Bennett: “The place for 
a man who is complete in all his 
parts is in the fight.” While Bennett 
sermonizes on the sidelines, Bill 
Clinton fights. Only envy explains the 
depths of Bennett's malice 

A leading Christian once said, “Let 
him who is without sin cast the first 
stone.” William Bennett, moralist-in- 
chief of America, says, “There is a 
need to be judgmental.” 

And so William Bennett is judged 
Asshole 


A 32-year-old former 
hospital technician from St. Charies, 
Missouri, Brian Stewart has a son who 
is seven years old. Stewart's child was 
diagnosed in 1996 with AIDS. In 1998, 
Brian Stewart was convicted of inject- 
ing the boy with stolen HIV-infected 
blood during a hospital visit in 1992. 
The boy was then 11 months old. 
Prosecutors charged that Stewart's 
motive for infecting his son was to 
avoid paying child support. The boy’s 


FARTS IN THE Ww > Ganiattia! afta the aan 
ind California. After the January 1999 


mother testified that Stewart told her, 
“You won't need to look me up for 
child support. Your child is not going to 
live very long.” Stewart can look for- 
ward to eternity in hell, in the special 
ring for Assholes of his ilk. 

Four years ago, 
Michael Huffington’s claim to fame 
was as the dim-witted moneybags 
who spent more than $30 million los- 
ing a race to become a senator from 


issue of Esquire, Huffington will be 
most famous as a dim-witted fag. 
Huffington admits to being homosexual, 
but shies away from the label gay. He 
concedes that he may be a Democrat 
now, not the Republican he portrayed. 
Huff also admits that he found govern- 
ment work boring. Gay? Homo? 
Democrat? Republican? The one con- 
stant in Huffington’s life is that he is a 
dim-witted Asshole. 


HUSTLER 


ay 


April 


i BALD? (= 


The Bush Club for Men’s 
Pubic Graft™ Process Makes 
Shorn Porn Beaver Your Rug! 


VM NOT JUST 
SAYING SO BECAUSE 
UVM THE PRESIDENT— 


VM ALSO A 
MEMBER! 


BUSH CLUB FOR MEN 


When radio was still new to the heartland, young girls 
with visions of stardom o! fell victim to con men offer- 
ing free “microphone tests.” This scam became so popular 
among cads casting for broads, it gave us a new word— 
broadcasting. “Tasting, tasting, one, two, three,” says the 
starry-eyed sucker. 


Andrew W. of Austin, Texas, gets $150 to blow. Send old dirt to 
HUSTLER’s “Porn From the Past,” 8484 Wilshire Boulevard, Suite 
900, Beverly Hills, CA 90211. Include a self-addressed, stamped 
envelope if you want the material returned. 


6 April HUSTLER 


What Would j?sils Do? 


Great news! Ultra-Christians have found the prescription for young America’s staggering loss of faith! 
The cure is called merchandising. Brightly colored wristbands, thin-pewter jewelry and, hopefully, palm studs emblazoned 
with the anagram WWJD remind us in everyday situations that our faith in cheap consumer products reigns supreme. 
So let’s take some time this Easter season to reflect: In everyday situations, what would Jesus do? 


The cops show up 
as a hooker 


He cuts a toxic fart 
as two good-looking chicks 
enter the elevator, 
What would Jesus do? 


K. 


dumped bitch shows 
up with a kid who 
looks just like Him. 


‘ Sha the power 


to end hunger 

ond strife ond to 
make the world 

0 peaceful Eden. 
4A What would Jesus do? 


2 - 


Bits & Pieces 


Up From 1 the Primordial Cooze: 


oco 


‘e 


Porno Nubilis Porno Stripjointilis 


What memories does a man carry to his grave? The 
faces of his children? His summers as a boy? Or a men- 
tal picture of the ass on each and every woman he has 
ever seen? If that last option is your no-brainer, spread 
open HUSTLER’S HONEY BUNS for a buttload of life- 
long memories. HONEY BUNS covers the broad spec- 
ALL AMAL! ALL TT . trum of backside, from the firm and young to the full | 


DEEP STROKING and ripe. Each issue probes deeply and intimately into 

PREMIER di dozens of hot, sweet cheeks. The premier release of | 

ISSUE # "| HUSTLER’S HONEY BUNS is on sale at newsstands 
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Yung Suk is 18 and starving. As the North 
Korean famine worsens, she becomes more 
and more desperate for protein. You can help. 
The semen you spill reading this magazine 
could keep Yung Suk alive for a week or 
longer—long enough to reach America and 

a new life as a massage-parlor whore. 


Won't you please send her all the jizz 
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ye \ 


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I WANTED TO GET YOU 


SOMETHING REALLY A Fistful aed 


SPECIAL : 
SINTHDAY of Winners 
BIRTHDAY... 

HUSTLER readers sent in a pile of entries for November’s 
“Something Really Special” contest, but only a fistful who | 


finished the sentence to the left won HUSTLER fun packs. | 
The winners: 


“...here’s something I’ve been working on since dinner.” 
—J. Love, Burbank, California 


“...let me finish tying the ribbon.” 
—Sam M., Fairbanks, Alaska 


“a ham sandwich.” —Ray, Kingsville, Texas 


“...but first let me finish frosting your birthday cake.” 
—Alan M., Taunton, Massachusetts 


“...but my hand stunk so bad, I vomited all over your gift.” 
—Dave W., Washington, D.C. 


SPECIAL BONUS 
Set of 100 collectible cards with 
full-color pictorials of HUSTLER 
Honeys on both sides. Cards 
include each Honey's a ond 
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Y | HUSTLER Magazine, P.0. Box 474, Mt. Morris, I 61054 
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current subscription for only $39.95& Adress | +«-CredCard# Ba 
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MONEY BACK ON ALL UNMAILED ISSUES IF NOT SATISFIED. All magazines shipped in unmarked, sealed envelopes. Foreign add $10 per year. Where applicable, sales tax is included in stated price, 
You must be 18 years of age or older to order. Your first issue wal arive in 6 10 8 weeks. 
OFFER EXPIRES JULY 9, 1999 M4900 


HUSTLER 


Relax, It’s & 
Just Sex 


PHOTOS BY LADI VON JANSKY 


Celebrities from both porn and main 
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atmosphere that breaks away from the 
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HUSTLER HOLLYWOOD is an out 
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Thumbs-up 
Congratulations, HUSTLER, on another 
fantastic issue, Your pictorials of finger- 
fucking Amber (Amber: Little Miss 
Gutter Mouth, February 1999) and Gina 
(Gina: Enema Nurse, I Love You, Feb- 
ruary 1999) were both excellent. Those 
pictures of Amber sticking four of her 
fingers up her twat made me wish her fin- 
gers were mine. The picture of Gina 
shoving the two-headed dildo up her ass 
was the icing on the cake. You guys 
always deliver top-notch pictorials and 
insightful articles. February's issue made 
me glad I dumped Playboy. One sugges- 
tion: Could you please show more shaved 
pussies? Shaved pussies really turn me 
on, Keep up the good work —S.S. 

Seward, Nebraska 


HUSTLER agrees—Amber and Gina are a 
credit to sluts everywhere. As for your 
preference for shaved women, we'll throw 
a hairy one in the shaving machine for 
you. Keep an eye out for her. 


A Taste for Mary 
Double congratulations. First, for Mary: 
Naked Lunch Break (Holiday Issue, 
1998). Now, there's an ass with class. I'd 
be proud to take her home to Momma. I 
suggest that her pussy be added to the 
basic food groups; | wouldn't consider 
entering her with my prick until I had 
eaten her out for at least two hours before- 
hand, Second, congratulations on the 
breakthrough in penetration. This sure 
opens up new possibilities—now you can 
side-by-side fuck tests at various 
whorehouses or rate escort services, like a 
Consumer Reports for pussy —J.H 
Chesterfield, Missouri 


show 


Thanks for the tips. Maybe we can 
arrange to bring Mary to Chesterfield and 
have a side-by-side fuck test between 
Mary and your momma. Love that home- 
cooked pussy. 


Demands More 
Why is it that two months in a row (the 


| 
| by dealing only with 


Any offer that se 


ail-orde 


too g¢ 


1998 Holiday Issue and January 1999) 
your covergirl did not have a pictorial 
inside? Why do you keep fucking us 
over like this? The broad on the cover of 
the Holiday Issue was a fucking knock- 
out. I saw her on the cover, tore open the 


urse, | Love You 


Gina: Enema | 


April HUSTLER 


{ When ordering merchandise through any mail-order supplier, minimize your risk of being disappointed 
h ot credit-card payment and have a working phone number in their ads 


id she wasn’t in there. One pic- 
ture is not enough. You guys fucked the 
readers over before with the broad on 
last year’s 1997 Holiday Issue; you only 
showed her on the cover too. Fuck you! 
You're pissing me off with this shit. And 
why do you keep reusing those old 
Jackie O photos? That shit is old. She's 
fucking dead. She was a deformed, ugly 
freak. Wake up; no one cares. Fuck all 
this Bill Clinton shit you're doing. Fuck 
all that shit. Your readers don’t fucking 
care. Fuck off, and fuck you! —-C.J 
Tustin, California 


The photo-sets of the covergirls were 
published in everybody's HUSTLER 
copies except yours. That's right, the 
photo-spreads were ripped out of your 
copies so that we could elicit an impas- 
sioned letter from you. 


Fear No More 

I am writing in response to D. W.’s letter 
in HUSTLER’s Holiday Issue (“Fear of a 
Black Penis,” Feedback, 1998). 1 am 
incarcerated in the federal-prison sys- 
tem and happen to live next door to D. W. 
D. W. says that HUSTLER is racist and 
all crackers have small dicks, but D. W. 
is mixed, with straight hair, light skin 
and, at 5-5, a dick smaller than 90% of 
the crackers he despises. I know because 
I walked into his cell one day and caught 
him playing with his pathetically small 


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prick. So he’s not mad at the world, just 

his white grandpappy who left him and 
the God who left him underendowed. 

—D.L. 

Bradford, Pennsylvania 


Let's hope this is the last we'll hear about 
D. W. Is it cruel and unusual punishment 
when prisoners are forced to watch one 
another jack off? 


HUSTLER un 
You should publish the HUSTLER 
Reader to combat adult illiteracy. One 
reason adult males don’t learn to read is 
that they don’t think there's anything 
worth reading. Erotic stories written at a 
basic level and progressing gradually to 
higher reading levels could be a great lit- 
eracy tool. Maybe give them out in pris- 
ons or something. Start with the most 
basic stuff (See Jane’s pussy. See Spot 
fuck Jane's pussy. See Spot’s cum). Gee, 
reading és fun. —Blunt 
via Internet 


Don't be so condescending. HUSTLER'’s 
fight against illiteracy begins at home, 
and not all our Editors are winning the 
baitle. 


Whale-Sperm Date 
While visiting Vancouver, British Colum- 
bia, on business, my secretary and I vis- 
ited the city’s aquarium. They had a pair of 
white beluga whales in a glassed-in tank. 
This day they were putting on quite a 
show. The largest whale, obviously the 
male, was chasing the female and lunging 
against her. I knew from his behavior that 
he had something serious in mind. As we 
watched, he pulled up alongside the 
female, who had rolled to her side, and an 
immense, red prick emerged from its body. 
It was at least four feet long and tapered 
from a six-inch base to a near lancelike 
point. A great cloud of white jism was 
emitted and floated in the water. A 
moment later, propelled by a mighty thrust 
of the breeder’s flukes, the great prick dis- 
appeared inside the female’s cunt. The 
whales lay quietly for a few moments, and 
I could imagine that her pussy was being 
filled with whale sperm. I looked at my 
secretary. She had a look of total enthrall- 
ment on her face and had her hand up her 
skirt. We made an emergency run to our 
hotel room and had a whale of a time. I 
can’t recommend the aquarium highly 
enough as a primer for a hot, wet date. 
—C.M. 
Sitka, Alaska 


Thanks for sharing. There's nothing like 
watching two animals fuck to set the 
mood for beastly copulation. 


Loves Mixing the Colors 
I’m appalled that HUSTLER is the only 
magazine I’ve ever seen that shows 
interracial pictorials. Why is it so hard 
to find such stimulating photographs 
with so many magazines on the market 
these days? Is interracial fucking still 
taboo in the '90s, even though we see 
coupling of every color of the rainbow 
everywhere we look? —D.B. 
Phenix City, Alabama 


Provocative coupling results in raised 
dicks for some and burst blood vessels 
in others. Whether your preferred pussy 
is red, white or blue, just be sure not to 
fuck any snatch that’s green on the 
inside, 


Anything for a Million 

My wife and I were both watching the 
news and learned of Larry Flynt’s mil- 
lion-dollar offer for evidence of affairs 
with political leaders. Coincidentally, we 
were getting ready for a trip to Washing- 
ton, D.C., and I told my wife that she was 
going to have to blow one of our 
Congressmen while we were in D.C. if 


April HUSTLER 


we were ever going to get ahead in the 
world. She told me that if anyone was 
going to blow one of our elected officials, 
it would have to be me. Needless to say, 
I didn’t suck off or butt-fuck any elected 
official during our Washington trip, but 
that doesn’t mean I’ve given up on the 
idea. If I were to rape a Congressman, 
would I be able to collect the million dol- 
lars? Do you think the government would 
tax me on the money I would make 
sodomizing a Congressman? I'd be will- 
ing to serve any jail time I might receive; 
I figure, I'd probably be a hero in prison, 
and you might send me a complimentary 
subscription to your fine magazine. 
These are some of the issues that are 
troubling me in my pursuit of fame and 
fortune. -—C.C. 

via Internet 


Go ahead, fuck your Congressman; it's 
not like he isn't fucking you. While you're 
at it, line them up, and fuck them all. 
They've been wasting our tax dollars and 
dicking our bloody-red asses worse than 
when the redcoats taxed our tea. Fuck 
back. Chances are, your Congressman 
wont press charges; he'll send you flowers. 
Don't forget to take pictures of your 
romantic liaisons. Only when HUSTLER 

(continued on page 23) 


17 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY MATTI KLATT 


Debbie of Miami, Florida, displays the memorable curves that ignited male 
psyches across the nation when she appeared in the April 1999 edition of, 
HUSTLER’s Beaver Hunt. The sun-ripened, 23-year-old student nurtures, 
many exotic desert-island fantasies and enjoys traveling. Will Debbie's ~ J 
wanderlust take her to Beverly Hills, California, earn her wid 


$5,000 in cash and a photo layout as Beaver Hunt Grand 
Prize Winner? 


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has proof of your tryst will Larry consider 
cutting you a check. Good luck. 


Sticky Details 
You had me convinced that the couple in 
the January 1999 issue of HUSTLER was 
actually Bill Clinton and Monica 
Lewinsky (Bill and Monica: The Chief 
Executive in His Oval Orifice). It was dif- 
ficult for me to believe this, but I thought 
that maybe Bill and Monica had secretly 
placed a camcorder in the oval orifice; 
then it hit me—these photos are phony 
Monica, unless I was dreaming when | 
saw it, recently revealed in an interview 
that she always began a sexual encounter 
with the President by opening a new issue 
of HUSTLER to the most vivid photo- 
spread in front of her boss, The omission 
of this important detail, more than any- 
thing, proved your pictorial to be fake 
-D. B. 


Provincetown, Massachusetts 


German Fetish Queen 

I became involved in fetish when, for my 
24th birthday, I got a steel, Victorian 
corset. I had always been fascinated by 
corsetry and then learned it was a fetish 
Although I appreciate almost all 
fetishes, I personally like corsetry, high 
heels, stockings, latex, rope bondage and 
discipline. I love to talk to people with 
distinct fetishes; it’s so interesting. I love 
HUSTLER, and it will be an everlasting 
dream of mine to someday have a photo 
of me published in Beaver Hunt. I think it 
might be fun to share my fantasies with 


can 


your readers, Is it possible to send a few 
pictures or slides to your magazine for a 
review? —C.W 

Ratingen, Germany 


By all means, send us your nasty pictures. 
It's healthy to share your sick fantasies 
with others instead of harboring shame in 
your basement, alone 


Porn Kills 

It's hard to believe our country still hasn't 
gotten the message that pornography 
really does hurt people. There have been 
pornography conferences that extol the 
virtues of smut, while the President of the 
United States is allegedly having sex in 
the White House. Sadly, America has not 
yet realized how far-reaching the devas- 
tation of pornography actually is and to 
what extent our sense of right and wrong 
has been drastically altered. As a minis- 
ter, I receive calls every single day from 


April HUSTLER 


people affected by pornography. Either 
it’s someone who has been hurt emotion- 
ally or spiritually by the effects of 
pornography, or they have a loved one 
who needs help. Pornography is hardly a 
victimless pastime. Consider the tragic 
death of the former Michigan House 
Judiciary Committee chairman. On 
October 15, 1998, Representative Perry 
Bullard’s life was cut short by his 
pornography addiction. Bullard died 
while engaging in an autoerotic act 
involving rope and other paraphernalia 
He was found hanging by a rope in his 
basement and was apparently engaging in 
a masturbatory activity promoted in 
pornographic magazines and videotapes. 


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Sadly, the harsh impact of pornography 

has been swept under the rug by the 
media. Pornography does destroy. 

—J.D. 

via Internet 


Pornography doesn't kill people; rope 
kills politicians 


Do you have a comment or complaint? We 
want to hear it. Send your letters (typed or 
neatly handwritten) to HUSTLER Feed- 
back, 8484 Wilshire Boulevard, Suite 900, 
Beverly Hills, CA 90211, or E-mail to 
hustler@lfp.com. Include a phone num- 
ber if you want your letter considered for 
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up a copy. After all, Hell’s where you'll end up. Count on Hell 


JEANNA FINE TELLS THE 
FUCKING TRUTH 


This month in her regular column, porn 
legend Jeanna Fine responds to readers 
seeking erotic enlightenment. She invites 
you to drop her a line and join her on the 
fearless quest for the fucking truth, 


PENETRATING 
QUESTION 

My boyfriend and I were wondering why 
the porn industry doesn’t come out with a 
video that shows a guy’s dick fucking 
inside of the pussy. When I was in sex- 
education class, all the kids I talked to 
were also wondering why they don’t 
show stuff like that. The people who do 
these movies could put a microscopic 
camera on the head of a penis and let him 
go to town until he blows. I'm dying to 
see that. —T.B. 

Slayton, Minnesota 


It has always been my own personal 
visual when I'm having sex that there is an 
eye inside my cervix, and I get to see the 
whole shebang. Recent demand for 
smaller and cheaper surgical cameras 
has made such trick shots possible in the 
porn business. John T. Bone of Cream 
Entertainment tells me that he already has 
a miniature camera and is eager to shoot 
the shot. You won't have to wait long for 
your cream dream to come true. 


ROBOT DILDO 

I've seen videos where there’s a robotic, 
thrusting machine that has a dildo at the 
end of a metal pole that pushes in and out 
of a p or ass. I’ve never seen this 
device advertised in any of the catalogs I 
ha Is there a kit available so I can 

make one? Have you ever fucked one? 
—A.S. 
Afton, Virginia 


I myself have used this very device 
twice, You can see me go at it in Where 
the Boys Aren't Part 6 (Vivid Video), star- 


April HUSTLER 


ring Janine, Blonde Itch, Amber Lynn, 
Christy Canyon, Sara-Jane Hamilton and 
myself. The device is very delicate and 
needs to be handled with care. You can't 
go crazy with this machine, but if you lie 
really still and adjust your body just right, 
it does wonders. The contraption is not 
widely marketed, however. To my knowl- 
edge, the robotic dildo I fucked is a one- 
of-a-kind invention. Let's hope they didn't 
break the mold. 


G-SPOT MAP 

Can you recommend any books or videos 
on finding the G spot? Every once in a 
while, | stumble across my girlfriend’s, 
but I want to find it every time without 
fail. | really like the flood that spurts out 
of her pussy after I’ve made contact with 
the magic button. She soaks the shee’ 
and the flavor of her pussy changes; it’s 
much sweeter. —D.L. 

via Internet 


Multitudes of available books are 
devoted to this wondrous letter of the 
alphabet. Nina Hartley has an instruc- 
tional video called Guide to Better 
Cunnilingus, available through Adam & 


Eve, which features the G spot, My best 
advice when dealing with the matter of 
triggering your woman's geyser is not to 
let your fingers immediately do the walk- 
ing. Once the G spot has been located, 
used and abused, the party is pretty much 
over. I recommend kissing the lips of your 
woman's face as sweetly as the lips 
between her legs. 


HUSTLER HOARDER 
My fiance and I have lived together for one 
and a half years, and he loves HUSTLER. 
I don’t mind; I love HUSTLER too. The 
problem is, he hides them, I ask him not 
to hide them and sneak and lie, but he 
continues to do this. Our sex life is not 
what it used to be—hell, it’s nothing 
anymore. | would love for us to share 
HUSTLER between us. How can I teach 
him to be open and honest and, most of 
all, to share? It makes me furious when I 
find magazines hidden around the house. 

—M. J. 
Valdosta, Georgia 


It seems to me that a much deeper 
problem is going on here, Since your 
(continued on page 35) 


25 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY CLIVE McLEAN 


“I don’t know why I can never score a second date,” moans single lady Gia. 
I try to do everything right. I wear pretty clothes that show off my figure, and 
I cook my suitors delicious, home-style meals. Something always goes wrong 

“Lester was crazy about me. He spent all night in the bar nuzzling my tits 
and kissing my neck. He practically undressed me in the car. We climbed into 
bed, and everything changed. I offered to give him a blowjob, but Lester left 
in a rage, telling me I had led him on and calling me all kinds of terrible 
names.” The morose bachelorette slurps on a dildo. “I feel so lonely, I could 
cry. Why can’t I find a man who will accept me for what I am?” 


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fiance is hiding things, and your sex life is 
suffering, you need to ask yourself if this 
is the person you really want to marry. 
He's probably hiding more than you 
know. Consider being single and enjoying 
HUSTLER alone until you find the right 
man who will share it with you. 


LIPSTICK LESBIAN 
WANTED 

I am an attractive, petite blonde who is 
very attracted to other beautiful women. 
I’ve only been with another woman once, 
and it was a pleasurable experience, 
something that I can’t wipe from my fan- 
tasies. Unfortunately, the beautiful 
woman | was with lives too far away, and 
I am too shy. What are some signs to look 
for when looking for tasty pussy to share 
with my man, without humiliating myself 
by coming on to a straight woman? | am 
only attracted to ladies, not butches, and 
bull daggers are all that seem to be 
around, Am | looking in the wrong place? 
In other words, Jeanna, where would a 
very horny yet shy girl like myself find a 
hot slut like you? Love, —S.R. 

Bourne, Massachusetts 


Oh, drat, I’m ten minutes from 
Massachusetts at this very moment! I was 
born and raised in upstate New York, very 
close to Massachusetts, and spent my late 
teens and early 20s looking for a woman 
just like you. I had to relocate to the West 
Coast and fuck women who were being 
paid to have sex with me before I found 
the women of my dreams. Think back to 
how you found your first dream girl— 
there were certain signals, little smiles. 
There should be a relationship between 
you and your new girl first, based on 
friendship, trust and respect; the same 
qualities that you have, hopefully, with 
the man in your life. This is important, 
because when everybody tumbles under 
the sheets, you certainly need to trust and 
respect everybody who's naked under 
there with you. Let me know how it goes. 
You can contact me through my fan club 
address: Another Fine Mess, 306-N West 
El Norte Parkway, Suite 454, San Diego, 
CA 92026. 


BAD-HAIR DAY 
I'm a half-Italian, half-Armenian guy; 
you can imagine how hairy I am. Girls 
hate hairy men; so I bought a bunch of 
bikini-wax kits and waxed my entire 
body. It really hurt to wax myself. 
Afterward, | was swollen; so | wiped 
myself with Desitin (that diaper-rash 
cream) to soothe the pain, and it works. 
\ The problem is that my hair-removal 


April HUSTLER 


Dear Sl ut She was so very jealous of my deep 


boyfriend push her head till she felt a pop. Now she’s suffering from a tear in the tissue in the back of her throat. 


routine takes about an hour and a half 
each day and costs a lot of money. I 
don’t know if you have this problem, but 
I'm sure that a lot of guys in porn do. Is 
there a faster, cheaper way to achieve 
that smooth body that women demand 
from me? —N.A. 

St. Louis, Missouri 


Being one-quarter American Indian, I 
have virtually a hairless body; so 1 could 
go weeks without shaving my legs and 
have nothing more than baby fuzz. While 
there may be some men in the business 
with problem hirsuteness, it is not readily 
apparent. I can tell you, while there are 
women who, as you say, hate hairy bod- 
ies, there are plenty of women out there 
who love them. One option is to keep 
looking until you find the woman who's in 
love with the whole package. I don't know 
about Missouri, but in California, there 
are entire sections of ads in the Yellow 
Pages dedicated to hair removal for both 
sexes. Options include electrolysis and 
laser surgery. This might cost more in the 
beginning, but will certainly be cheaper 
for you in the long run. 


NARROW NECK 
I saw an ad in HUSTLER for deep-throat 
gel. I've never seen this before and won- 


“Life is a short, meaningless journ 
Get all the pus: 


(continued from page 25) 
-throating capabilities that she had her 


der if you could tell me more, Does it 
really help? —G.F. 
Santa Monica, California 


Before you use any type of numbing 
lotion, you need to be aware of what 
you're doing in order to know whether 
or not you're doing it properly. Let me 
tell you a short horror story that a 
friend of mine is going through right 
now. She was so very jealous of my 
deep-throating capabilities that she had 
her boyfriend push her head till she felt 
a pop. Now she’s suffering from a tear in 
the tissue in the back of her throat that 
will take six months to heal. Take note: 
Deep-throat must be handled with 
absolute delicacy. The best lubrication 
and the best spit is in the back of the 
throat. The best way to give deep-throat 
a whirl is to have him lie down with you 
straddling his face in a 69 position, This 
way, you're in control. 


Se cng 


Do you have a question for Jeanna? Write 
to Dear Slut, clo HUSTLER, 8484 Wilshire 


Boulevard, Suite 900, Beverly Hills, CA 
90211, or E-mail at slut@lfp.com. e 


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BLOODY FOOL 


I'm living the greatest male fantasy in 
history: a threeway relationship with two 
hot chicks at the same time. Ramona and 
I started dating in December; the short, 
built, dyed redhead moved into my apart- 
ment on New Year’s Day. Then, on 
Valentine’s Day, we went out for drinks 
with her lonely, depressed, tiny-tittied 
best friend, Jilly. Despite a tragic lack of 
boobies, Jilly is an unbelievably choice 
slice of ass, with short-cropped, blond 
hair and an immaculate backside. I 
decided to show some mercy, ply the 
girls with drink and fuck them stacked on 
top of each other. Aside from the bladder 
infection that Ramona suffered when I 
entered her snatch directly after with- 
drawing from Jilly’s asshole, the two 
were happy enough with our arrangement 
to make it permanent 

As most HUSTLER readers can prob- 
ably guess, | was pig-in-twice-as-much- 
shit happy—at first. How could I have 
guessed my rug-munching bedmates’ 
menstrual cycles would link up so 
quickly? Now, instead of dealing with 
one blood-spewing psycho bitch per 
month, I have two on my red-stained 
hands, To make matters worse, Jilly 
becomes insanely horny during her period, 
whereas Ramona will bite my dick off if 
the beleaguered willy comes anywhere 
near her. So Ramona is constantly feel- 
ing jealous, and Jilly is constantly feel- 
ing deprived. The sounds of pissing and 
moaning fill my ears in stereo. What a 
nightmare! Just writing about their bull- 


shit makes my testicles recede. 

I decided to teach both cunts a lesson 
on April Fools’ Day. Instead of walking 
through the door with an erection already 
at hand, I trudged in bearing an expres- 
sion of absolute despair. 

‘Girls,” I announced, stepping over a 
pile of their cast-off underthings, some 
bearing visible globs of hemoglobin. No 
one answered. I continued my depressed 
march toward the bedroom, yelling, 
“Girls, come out! There’s something seri- 


ous we need to discuss.” 

Well, those dykes came out, all right. 
They were behind the bedroom door in a 
very compromising position: Ramona’s 
fist was buried in Jilly’s cooze. My limp 
schween jumped to life; I still grow wood 
when I watch their lesbo antics, especial- 
ly the sick and twisted variety. However, 
I struggled not to ruin my prank by pitch- 
ing a tent in my pants. 


April HUSTLER 


“Oh, hi, Ken,” mumbled a poon-preoc- 
cupied Ramona. “Get your clothes off, 
and help me out. I’m trying to teach this 
horny slut not to hump my leg like a bitch 
in heat.” Normally, that invitation would 
incite me to break the sound barrier by 
ripping off my pants and running to the 
bed. But I had chosen the first of April to 
administer a different lesson plan. I stood 
so Jilly could see me from her all-fours 
vantage point and limply dropped my 
Dickies. 

“Wish I could join in, fist pigs,” I 
sighed, “but Dr. Geeson claims my fuck- 
ing days are over.” With that dramatic 
declaration, I grabbed the wet noodle 
between my legs and shook the allegedly 
dead appendage. An Olympian effort was 
required to prevent stiffening of the john- 
son. Obediently, my flaccid member lay 
there like a lox. 


(continued on page 47) 


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THREE-QUARTERS 
ERECT 


Directed by uncredited; 
starring Claudia, Barbara, Jessika, Sylvia 
Saint, Petra, Melanie, Anita, Diana, Gabriella, 
Mike Foster, Frank Gunn and Joe Lemon. 
Videocassette: Metro. 


Like a Fodor’s guide for jerkoff, Euro 
Babes highlights the carnal attractions 
of the Old World, maximizing the view 
er’s masturbatory vacation. Continental 
woodsman Frank Gunn ushers in this 
parade of ripe, overseas poon with a pair 
of 20-year-old sluts from Estonia 
Jessika, a brunette with a porcelain-doll 
face, and Barbara, a blonde with innate- 
ly lascivious features, make delightfully 
complementary cock sockets. Parting 
Barbara's firm ass melons, Gunn fires a 
loogie into her brown-ringed crapper 
and saws two fingers into the blonde’s 
sphincters. The pale Estonian expresses 
her approval in the international lan 
guage of gasps and grunts. Gripping the 
bedspread, Jessika emits a barrage of 
baby yelps while Gunn cleaves her 
puffy labes with blood sausage. Later, 
Gunn baptizes copper-haired ingenue 
Anita, whose boyfriend assists in her 
inaugural cum facial. Her lips a bright 
pink blur, the doe-eyed, honey-skinned 
gamine draws protein-rich sap from the 
testicles that frame her awestruck face 
Several other similarly poignant scenes 
make Euro Babes a trip worth taking 

—Shane Andalou 


April HUSTLER 


EURO BABES: Claudia greases Gunn's barrel. 


EDITED BY TIM KENNEALLY 


EURO BABES: Diana sits on spuzz stick. 


EURO BABES: Anita bends and blows. 


39 


After performing in 300 fuck films in four 
years, Spantaneeus Xtasty decided to 
fetire from the porn biz with a bangq—a 
record-breaking gang-bang, fucking 551 
Quys in one day to hurtle over Jasmin St 
Claire's previous high-jism mark of 301 
Like Spantaneeus herself, who resem- 
bles Scary Spice with S5FFs, the 
marathon fuckfest, filmed for eventual 
telease by Heatwave Entertainment, was 
a larger-than-life affair. 

Xtasty made a grand entrance. Carried 
into the room on the shoulders of her 
manservants, the mammoth-mammed 
sex fiend wore the ceremonial robes of a 
Nubian princess, The 100 or so mooks 
picked to aid in Xtasty's grab for the 
record stripped and lined up, prongers 
pointed toward the mocha oasis of 
Xtasty’s snatch. At director Jim Powers's 
= command, the procession of pricks 
began, Untazed by the steady diet of man 
= meat being jammed between her legs, 


OR 


Spantaneeus waxed philosophic. “No 
limitations, baby. Enjoy life!” 

“At 302, you break Jasmin St. Claire's 
record. Anything you wanna say?" asked 
emcee Ron Jeremy during a halftime 
interview. Still catching her breath after 
fucking almost 200 dicks, Spantaneeus 
telied on her fans to answer for her. “Fuck 
you!” came the deafening response. 

On hand as a fluffer, rectal wonder Mila 
made a catty play to steal the thunder. 
Jabbing herself with an electric-blue 
dildo, Mila sprayed sheets of alleged 
ejaculate. Perverted participants lapped 
up the golden shower like fine wine. Boys 
popped on Xtasty's gargantuan chest 
bags. Soon Mila was fucking the guys as 
well. Powers reprimanded the renegade 
fluffer. “Just suck dick; that's all you gotta 
do—God!” Redirecting his attention to 
the assembled bangers, Powers bel- 
lowed, “Who's hard? You got wood, go 
stick it in Span!" The cocksmen bore 
down on the jovial bangee with renewed 
purpose. The magic number of 551 final- 
ly arrived; streams of jizz covered Xtasty’s 
brown skin like celebratory confetti 

Xtasty may have her eyes set on 
fetirement, but the daylong bangathon 
had clearly sparked her carnal momen- 


{ tum that evening. “I'm not tired; | want 


more dick!” Span announced during her 
victory speech. The spent men limped 
away. Spantaneeus Xtasty may lay no 
Claims to limitations, but the human 
penis apparently has its limits. 


“Now serving number 303”: 
Xtasty does dick deli-st 


QUARTERS 


RECT 


Directed by Greg Alves; 
starring Deja Blew, Emilia, Wendi Knight, 
Inari Vachs, Shelby Myne, Mazzy Paige, 
Dee, Mooners, Julian, Lexington Steel, 
Justin Long, Marc Davis, 
Vince Vouyer and Brandon Iron. 
Videocassette: Tooxic Entertainment/Metro. 


Deja Blew and Marc Davis open 
this long-dicking extravaganza 
with an anal bang. Blew contorts 
wickedly. Davis spouts a fountain 
of jizz that the slender slut greedi- 
ly guzzles. This scene works, and 
so does Size Matters 3. There’s no 
plot or shitty music to distract; just 
enthusiastic fucking, real tits and 
big dicks. Music punctuates 
cheesy, ancient jokes between the 
sex scenes. The jokes are lame; the 
sex is not. Hot blonde Emilia porks 
black, impossibly huge Justin 
Long and receives an eye socket 
full of man spray. Brandon Iron 
demonstrates a great method for 
fucking ugly women by dicking 
Shelby Myne with her butt in the 
air and her face to the floor, Just 
when the guys in this video are 
starting to look prettier than the 
girls, out comes sultry Dee and 
Inari Vachs. Inari and Dee join 
forces to coax the essence out of 
lucky stiff Julian in this ultimate 
two-girls-for-every-boy fantasy. 
Mazzy Paige and Mooners, volup- 
tuously sexy with their real tits and 
baby fat, round off Size Matters 3 
with a foursome that includes 
Vince Vouyer and Julian. Size 
Matters 3 is largely successful. 

—Dan Panorama 


Directed by Jim Powers; 
starring Allysin Chaynes, Molina, 
Randi Storm, Zoé, Allison Kilgore, Regan 
Starr, Lennox, Metrix, Peris Bleu, 
Tracy Love, Mia Mikels, Amber Michaels, 
Gwen, Alma, Kelly Dean and Raquel. 
Videocassette: JM Productions. 


If the sight of hot girls tinkling is 
money, Liquid Gold is Fort Knox; 
there’s plenty of piss in this Big 
Gulp. Right out of the chute, 
Allysin Chaynes asks, “Wanna 
watch me pee?” She hikes up her 
skirt and squats over the driveway. 
A giggle and smile accompany her 


40 


yellow stream. Sixteen gorgeous 
porn stars heed nature’s call. 
Beautiful girls piss in shower 
stalls, in the grass, on the sidewalk, 
by the pool and occasionally in toi- 
lets. Lennox runs urgently to the 
sliding glass door of her house— 
it’s locked. “Shit, I gotta pee real 
bad!” Lennox announces. She runs 
to the side of the house and 
relieves herself. “That’s the sickest 
thing I’ve ever done,” says Regan 
Starr after she pees next to a swim- 
ming pool at night. Piss-thirsty 
jackoffs at home will delightedly 
agree. The only problem with this 
vid is it’s all squirt and no fucking, 
but the theme here is number onc, 
not a home run. Pick up Liquid 
Gold, and strike it rich —D.P. 


Directed by Dino Ninn and Justin Sterling; 
starring Juli Ashton, Shayla LaVeaux, 
Taren Steele, Nikita, Vicca, Charlie, Dee, 
Rayveness, Danielle Rogers, Veronica Hart, 
Dizzy, Wilde Oscar, Mickey G., 
Randy Spears and Mr. Marcus. 
Videocassette: Wicked. 


As an argument for establishing a 
mandatory retirement age among, 
porn sluts, Screen Play is com- 
pelling. As a means of draining 
one’s scrotum, this stylized plodder 
is less effective. Shayla LaVeaux, 
one of several rapidly aging female 
cast members, portrays the 
neglected wife of Wilde Oscar. In 
Screen Play's opening threeway 
between the couple and Randy 
Spears, one understands Oscar’s 
waning interest, LaVeaux's face 
scrunches up in rapture, emphasiz- 
ing her crow’s feet. Reaching over 
to swallow hubby’s lap pole, 
LaVeaux further shows off her 
tummy rolls. Logging onto fellow 
crone Veronica Hart’s sex-advice 
Web site, LaVeaux witnesses a 
series of fantasy sequences. Most 
feature hard-faced harlot Taren 
Steele and offer little relief to the 
viewer. Playing dominatrix, Steele 
drips hot candle wax onto Mickey 
G. Sadly, the white wax congeals, 
looking like a tidal blast of ball bat- 
ter on G.’s flabby, fur-covered 
form. Fresh flesh, notably dusky 
fuck doll Dee, is introduced mid- 
way through—exactly half a video 
too late to save Screen Play from 
the reject pile. S.A, 


April HUSTLER 


SIZE MATTERS 3. 


ONE-QUARTER 
\ ae ~| 
Directed by Neville Chambers; 
starring Cannibal, Angel Baby, 
Peirce Bently, Nicole Landon, Steffani 
Angel, Teddi Barrett, Cynder Moon, Root, 
Sergio, Rob Buener and Kool Gee. 
Videocassette: Pleasure Productions. 


Enjoy watching skanky whores 
boffing Dumpsters? Then 
Streets of New York 12 is your cup 
of trash, A cellulite-dimpled fuck 
bag named Cannibal drags her tat 


in 


tooed love boy around the corner 
from Washington Square Park 
The grope, but much 
coitus interruptus on the street 
sends them to a rooftop on the cor- 
of Bleecker Street and the 
Bowery. The clots the 
bruised, pimpled New Yorkers 


two too 


ner 
cold air 
fuck juices, forming string cheese 
as they bump uglies. Things wors- 
en toward the end; fiftysomething 
Teddi Barrett porks the director on 
the roof of a double-decker tourist 
bus in Times Square. Right place, 
wrong people. Redeeming 
moments include a Jewish alterna: 
grrrl and her Puerto Rican homey 
sucking and fucking on the rocky 
banks of the East River in plain 
of the Brooklyn 
Another couple fornicates on the 


view Bridge 
stained concrete next to a bank of 
Dumpsters; by happy accident, a 
passerby tosses trash on the rutting 
duo. If a putz can make it there, a 
putz can make it anywhere on the 
Streets of New York 12. D.P. 


Emilia, 


a bridge to brotherhood. 


“HALF 
ERECT 


Directed by Lasse Braun: 


starring Anita, Cannibal, Liza Harper 
Christina Angel, Heaven Leigh, Teri Starr, 
Randee Lee, Chandra Lemont, James Bonn, 
Herschel Savage, Mike Horner, 
Alec Metro and Steve Drake. 
Videocassette: Sin City Entertainment 


A sweet nurse shares an affec 
tionate moment with her lover in 
Intrigue. “Oh, come inside of me!” 
the nurse begs in pre-ejaculatory 
fervor. Her lover is horrified by the 
words and sum- 
“Beat her like 


a redheaded stepchild,” the man 


nurse's tender 


mons a dominatrix. 


orders. After a good spanking, the 
lover fucks his naughty nurse up 
the shitter. He sprays his manwich 
on her tits, kicks her out of the 
bedroom and collapses on the bed, 
sobbing. Uh-oh, this 

drama? What begins as a kinky 


what's 


role-playing soap opera quickly 
degenerates into a plot-heavy mess 
about power-hungry bitches intent 
on stealing company secrets on 
computer disks. Fake accents with 
vague origins are heard. Herschel 
Savage goes ballistic on his wife 
his long stretches of shouting 
wither any residual wood. Savage 
storms out of the house; his spouse 
dicks herself with a strawberry 
Jell-O dildo. A blackmail plot fur- 
ther muddies the masturbatory 
waters. A couple of nasty anal 
scenes save Intrigue from being a 
complete bore, which is a sad fate 
fuck 
intriguing beginning. 


flick with such an 
—D.P. 


for a 


NEW YORK 12: Cannibal and Bently make Bowery string cheese. 


“tA 
LA 


. : 
Ds 


INTRIGUE: Lemont delivers an oral presentation. 


SCREEN PLAY: LaVeaux. 
crisscrosses cock 


41 


TAIOW EE if 


In the porn world, where everyone 
assumes false identities, and deception: 
fueled fantasy is de rigueur, the concept 
of a costume party is perhaps redundant 
Few who were gathered in the Sierra 
Ballroom of Los Angeles’s Hilton 
Universal City and Towers on the night 
of October 30, 1998, concerned them: 
selves with such minor details, The 
attendees and organizers of the Adult 
Video News-sponsored Halloween ball 
had bigger issues to worry about. 

The common mooks who'd ponied up 
50 clams to attend worried about whether 
they'd see enough porn sluts to justity 
their outlay. For the ball’s planners, the 
question was, "What happened?” 

While the requisite amount of cos- 
tumed fuck dolls strolled the ballroom, 
logistical problems plagued the event 
Erotica LA, the balls new planners 
(weary of organizing the event, AVN 
opted for mere sponsorship), aban- 
doned last year's location, Hollywood's 
Palace Theater, for the roomier Sierra 
Ballroom. Ironically, the ball moved to a 
2 larger location to accommodate fewer 
than half the number of last year's atten- 


dees. (Only 400 to 500 tickets were 
bought this year, contrasting with 1997's 
estimated 1,500.) 

Among the first to arrive were a group 
of men decked out as members of Los 
Angeles's finest. The uniforms were, 
unfortunately, real; reportedly, there was 
concern that the blue-screen jamboree 
would clash with the more restrained 
tones that traditionally color the 
Universal. Convinced that a “no nudity 
no problems” policy would be enforced, 
the cops busied themselves with seeking 
porn girls’ autographs. 

The entertainment seemed to run in 
direct proportion to the measly atten- 
dance. A lone deejay valiantly filled the 
bill, occasionally relieved by promotior 
al-giveaway sprees and a typically chaotic 
costume contest. 

Which leaves one to wonder if that 
faint sound echoing through the cav- 
ernous, half-empty ballroom was the 
Halloween ball's impending death knel 
“| probably won't even sponsor it again,” 
offers Darren Roberts, associate pub 
lisher of AVN. “| was pretty disappointed 
this year.” He wasn't the only one. 


Tweak a teat: Costumed cunts ring Brittany Andrews'’s bell. 


Directed by Dale Jordan; 
starring Alyssa Allure, Mary Jane, Jill Kelly, 
Charlese L'Amour, Erice Price, Kary Evers, 
Roxanne Hall, Alex Sanders, Marc Davis, 

John Decker and Tice Bune. 
Videocassette: Elegant Angel 


Like a cramp-prone sprinter, Wet 
Spots 4 starts out strong, but limps 
across the finish line, Charlese 
L'Amour, the video's flagship flesh 
minor aesthetic flaws: 


thighs, and her bananalike milk 


bags tend toward floppiness 
Piddling irregularities _ aside, 
L'Amour also possesses long 


dancer’s legs, a Monroe-like nest of 
tousled, blond curls and the sexual 
response of a rutting warthog. 
Tarzan-maned, —snaggletoothed, 
elder woodsman Alex Sanders 
applies his patented two-finger 
power jam to L’Amour’s dick pits 
Drilling deep with hammering 
schwang, Sanders forces her off the 
bed with the momentum of piston- 
ing hips. L’Amour’s chest and neck 
flush crimson with cock lust. Sadly, 
things quickly deteriorate. Ve 
video vixen Jill Kelly sleep-fucks 
through her scene. Roxanne Hall's 
she-wolf routine aims to excite, but 
cows frightened dicks into flaccid 
terror; the viewer expects Hall's 
face to emerge from her partner's 
lap with his bloody member 
clenched in her teeth. Initially 
promising, Wet Spots 4 slips in its 


own sloppiness. SA. 


Directe rad Armstrong; 
starring Missy, Stephanie Swift, Sydnee Steele, 
Liza Harper, Charlie, Syren, Petra, Herschel Savage 

Tice Bune, Brad Armstrong, Mickey G. 
Steve Hatcher and lan Daniels. 
Videocassette: Wicked Pictures. 


Stephanie Swift sets the pace of 
this porn Western as she rears up 
for a couple of raunch hands in 
Heartache. Unfortunately, her 
father, played by Herschel Savage, 
puts out the afterglow and fires his 
daughter's fuck buddies. We meet 
Missy, Savage's new wife, whom 
Swift's character despises, and a 
plot rears its ugly head. Savage 
hires a new ranch hand named 


42 


Miguel, who falls in love with 
Missy. Meeting up in a field while 
horseback riding, they prepare to 
pounce on each other. “This could 
be complicated,” Miguel says to 
his boss’s wife. “Life always is,” 
she replies. They fuck the shit out 
of each other in an abandoned 
cabin surrounded by candles. 
Savage catches the two lust birds, 
of course, and pummels Miguel 
before dumping him in the desert 
He locks his wife away in a brothel, 
where she’s tied up and forced to 
watch her husband fuck a whore. 
The whore bucks her hips like a 
wild mare and provides the flick's 
only anal scene. A lesbian scene 
and an after-dinner orgy will keep 
waiting six-shooters cocked and 
ready, but a melodrama like this is 
Give 
—D.P. 


better suited for couples. 
Heartache to your parents. 


ONE-QUARTER 
Directed by Bud Lee, 
starring Tina Tyler, T. J. Hart 
Alexandra Silk, Danielle Rogers, 
Elle De Vine, Mandi Frost, Taylor Moore, 
Jennifer Worthington, Randy Spears, 
Tony Tedeschi, Steve Hatcher and Alec Metro. 
Videocassette: Adam & Eve. 


In Reflections, Tina Tyler portrays 
a psychologist who puts her 
patients in touch with their desires. 
Sadly, no such concern is paid to 
the viewer's desires; close analysis 
shows this video to be a poor mas 
turbatory enhancer. The cavalcade 
of errors begins immediately 
Goateed greaseball Alec Metro 
plants a palm on T. J. Hart’s pneu- 
matic rack and commences twat- 
stuffing, For a brief, hopeful 
moment, laps stiffen, Then director 
Lee makes his first crucial, and 
Hammering 
the 
camera lingers on a mirror’s reflec- 
” for 


recurrin, 


misstep. 


home the title’s significanc 


tion, The viewer is “treated 
agonizingly long periods, to a par- 
tial shot of Hart’s craggy face and 
nothing else. Subsequent fucking is 
obscured by bedposts and palm 
fronds. Equally enticing: Tyler's 
dialogue-heavy tryst with the gor- 
gonlike Danielle Rogers. Watching 
two sluts discuss psycholog 


ical 


theory is somewhat amusing, but 
amusing and arousing only sound 
similar. Reflections reflects poorly 
on its inept creators. —S.A. 


April HUSTLER 


WET SPOTS 4: Arch slut L'Amour bangs Sanders’s bone 


Puritan 21 


THREE-QUARTERS 
ERECT 
Directed by Jim Powe 
Dow Jones and Rodney Moore; 
starring Alexandra Nice, Danielle Roge 
Tigra, Kirsten, Cassie, Sabrina Johnson, 
egal, J. J. Michaels, Jack Hammi 
Billy Glide, Jay Ashley 
Videocassette: Legend. 


Many have pondered the 
question, “What do Scots wear 
under their kilts?” Puritan 21 pro 
vides an answer (nothing) in the 
context of a DP. J. J. Michaels 
and Jay Ashley stand atop the 
Scottish highlands, faces frozen 
in solemn frowns. Smoky-eyed 
Sabrina 


Johnson approaches 


Before she can say, “Bagpipes 
are annoying,” the tartan-clad 
woodsmen bear down on the 
golden-skinned gamine. Ashley 
takes the high road, plowin 
Johnson's black-mossed bog 
Michaels takes the low road, 
converting her puckered shit 
pipe into a gaping maw 

we're giving you all we've got, 
lassie!” Michaels growls, sound- 
ing like Star Trek's Scotty, Other 
scenes in this multi-director 
mixed results. 
Alexandra Nice’s Tasmanian- 


effort offer 


devil imitation during her dou- 
ble-pronged dicking by Dave 
Hardman and Billy Glide handi- 
ly relieves the viewer's testicles 
Danielle 
ruptured 


of excess semen 

sgers’s apparently 
implants do not. Chest puppets 
that resemble half-deflated bal- 
loons lead to fully deflated 


viewer schwang and make 


Puritan 21 a less-than-pure 


delight S.A, 


HEARTACHE: Swift faces double-dick drenching. 


REFLECTIONS: Frost subdues Worthington for Moore's tongue. 


PURITAN 21: Johnson, gaped and grinning. 


A quick checklist of features reviewed in past issues 
of HUSTLER and HUSTLER EROTIC VIDEO GUIDE 


Deep Throat: The Quest V (Arrow) 
Jeanna Fine, Brittany Andrews, Kyle Stone 
Gangbang Auditions #1 
(Diabolique Video) 

Inari Vachs. Ieeane 
Tom Byron: Lord of Asses 
(Extreme Associates) 
Chandler, Jessica Darlin, Tom Byron 


White Angel (Metro) 
mes, Mare Davis 


Caroline, 


Stacy Valent 


HUSTLER’s Beaver Hunt #3 (Vivid) 
Katie, Toni Reyes, Jasmine 
Sean Michaels’s Erotic City 3 
(Elegant Angel) 

Deja Blew, Porsha, Sean Michaels 


The Kiss (Vivid) 

Lori Michaels, Tia Bella, Nick East 
Race Track Whores 
(Odyssey Group Video) 

I J. Hart, Randi Storm, Brandon tron 


Sex Offenders #4 
(Wicked/X-World Entertainment) 
Amanda Hart, Alexandra Nice, Nick East 


Back on the Prowl 2 (Vivid Raw) 
Bobbie Bliss, Wildcat, Victor 


Directed by Kovi 
starring Grety, Pam Lee, Mary Eleniak, 


Cat Tails #4 (Midnight Video) Diana, Leslie Taylor, Mina, Bolivia 
Megan, Barbara, Wanda Curtis, Sophie Call 


Catalina L'Amour, uncredited 
Close at Hand (Sin City) Timea F,, Di ank Gunn. 
Dakota, Dee, Steve Austin Mike Foster, Nick Lang John Lenin. 
The Look (Vivid) Videorass 


Tia Bella, Alyssa Love, Nick East 


Perverted Stories 19 (JM Productions) 
208, Cassidy, Dave Hardman 


The Show 3 (Vivid) 
Leslie Glass, Randi Rage, Michael J. Coxx 
Johnny Toxic: Action Man 2 (Sin City) 
Candy Hill, Kira, Porsha 


Real Sex Magazine 15 
(Odyssey Group Video) 
Jenny, Vanity, Brick Majors 


ate 


Private Gold 32: Lethal Infor 
mation is a tale of espionage and 
intrigue that boasts heart-racing 
gunplay 
twisting, 


helicopter chases and a 

well-wrought plot 
Despite these facts, this Hungarian: 
made vid is a worthy investment of 
the armchair stroker’s time. Pistol 
toting Frank Gunn and Mike Foster 
come across Grety, Lethal’s princi- 
pal wood conjurer. Her shoulder- 


length, blond hair a tangled mess 


S.MU.T. 7 (Elegant Angel) 
Coral Sands, Elena, Vince Vouyer 


and her nose slightly bulbous, 
Grety filthy 
fuck-pig appeal. Gunn and Foster 
pack fleshy heat in Grety’s waiting 


nonetheless oozes 


Terrors From the Clit 
(Extreme Associates) 
Kelly Dean, Elle DeVine, I 


WetScape (Sin City) 
Temptress, Tracy Love, Alec Metro 


Grapplin’ & Gropin’ #2 
(Odyssey Group Video) 
Champagne, Cee Cee, Jake 
Open Wide (Vivid) 
Jenteal, Ruby, Jon Dough 


Vortex (VCA Pictures) 
Shayla LaVeaux, Nikita, Tony Tedes 


Byron —pichole 


their shafts for her inevitable two- 


She graciously greases 


prong mauling. Gunn's moment of 
anal penetration is, maddeningly, 
achieved off-camera. Gunn makes 
up for the technical gaffe. Soothing 


fuzak plays in the background 


Gunn squats over Grety like a gar- 
goyle. Delivering a playful slap to 
the blonde’s noggin, he growls 
through clenched teeth and spe- 
yj _lunkers the yipping nubile's crap 


rings. Grety’s naturally ample 


THREE-QUARTERS 
ERECT 


udders swing like creamy twin 
pendulums, keeping time with the 
at-home beater’s pumping fist 
Lethal Information causes spuzz- 
filled flesh guns to fire multiple 


rounds, SA 


THREE-QUARTERS 
ERECT 
Directed by Stoney Curtis: 
starring Charlese L'Amour, Teri Starr 
Montana Gunn, Tracy Love, Cortknee, 
Alexandra Nice, Raquel Devine, Jessica, 
Elana, Tice Bune, Dave Hardman 
Rick Masters, John West, Herschel 
Savage and Stoney Curtis. 
Videocassette: Celestial Productions/Seymore 
Butts Home Movies, 


Pussy-loving gearheads, rejoice 
Hot Bods & Tail Pipe 4 is a 
raunchy two hours’ worth of cus- 
tom rods and custom sluts. Dave 
Hardman and Stoney Curtis 
cruise down the boulevard in a 
‘67 Chevy Malibu convertible, 
427, four-on-the-floor. The bur- 
gundy chariot is a magical chick 
magnet in the quest for cooze 
Raquel Devine and Jessica drive 
up. “Hey, pull over, we wanna see 


your car!” shouts Raquel. A slop- 
py ass reaming results. Tracy 
Love and Montana Gunn detail a 
custom 1940s Plymouth. Their 
efforts shift to a handjob when 
Hardman and Tice Bune appear. 


HOT BODS: L'Amour serves 
snatch to Masters. 


Herschel Savage is the hands- 
down winner of this race to the 
panty line with his black, °57 
Chevy convertible. Savage snares 
Dutch blonde Elana and gorgeous, 
Russian brunette Alexandra Nice 
The sluts talk trash in classy 
European accents, contrasting 
nicely with the sleazy fuck ride 
Nice nearly 
Elana’s snizz as Savage grinds his 
wrench into Elana’s tailpipe. The 


they provide fists 


girls swap places until Herschel 
pops his rod. Hot Bods & Tail 
Pipe 4 will make quick shifters 
pop their rods too. -D.P. 


April HUSTLER 


Bt, 


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Jilly disengaged her clam from 
Ramona’s arm—accompanied by a loud, 
slurpy queef—and gasped from her 
mouth as well, “I thought you were just 
going in for a routine checkup!” Her 
exposed vage was red, raw and still dilated. 
Seeing the expectant cunny quivers travel 
all the way up her womb drove my dick 
mad with frustrated desire. My brain sim- 
ply refused to pump the necessary erec- 
tion juice. Thank goodness Ramona was 
still in her underwear, or the sight of both 
twats naked and wanting would push me 
over the rigid edge. 

“Geeson blames my impotence on the 
nuclear-power plant I lived next to as a 
child,” I sobbed, turning in an Academy 
Award-level performance. “Nothing can 
raise my irradiated peter from the dead. 
Nothing...at...uhh, girls?” To my surprise, 
the scrunt smackers had already forgotten 
my dilemma. Either that, or the 69 posi- 
tion they so casually fell into was a 
humanitarian effort to light my groin fire. 
Jilly peeled the panties off her partner's 
raised bottom; in the process, a sanitary 
pad was dislodged. Apparently, Ramona 
was still on the rag! Would Jilly place her 
face in the bloody beaver? You bet she 
did...and aggressively too, The wet flap of 
upper and lower lips colliding filled the 
room, Jilly shook her head back and 
forth. She employed two hands to spread 
open the serving of sizzling snizz. 
Crimson slop drooled onto Jilly’s chin. 

I've never known myself to find the 
womanly cycle sexy, but something 
about the supremely unsanitary scene 
overstimulated my nut sac. Ramona 
screamed as her pussy was digitally 
gouged; each time Jilly sent in her tongue 
or another finger, the probe returned 
damp and red. Meanwhile, Ramona’s 
fiery hair nestled between pale thighs, 
lending the appearance of a second burn- 
ing bush, My poor prick could take no 
more and stood at proud attention. I con- 
sidered calling the miracle boner to the 
attention of my girlfriends, then decided 
to let my orifice-pounding actions speak 
louder than words. 

Roughly, I yanked Ramona’s head, 
removing her oral services from the gash 
below to the mighty meat hammer point- 
ing toward her nose. A surprised expres- 
sion lit up her face as she opened wide for 
the beefy treat; perhaps she actually swal- 
lowed that line of impotence bullshit. The 
one thing Ramona definitely ingested was 
my wand, which I pushed back to greet 
her tonsils and fill her throat. She bobbed 
her head like the best little cocksucker on 
the planet, lubricating every millimeter 
\ with her hot spit. 


Hot Letters .iiiy pecics the panties ott ner p 


a sanitary pad was dislodged. Apparently, Ramona was still on the rag! 


Meanwhile, back at Ramona’s lower 
regions, another warm bodily fluid was 
dampening the blonde’s brow. That’s 
because Jilly rubbed the plasma pie all 
over her smiling face. The free-form cun- 
nilingual technique sounded like an erotic 
Bronx cheer. I pulled my plank out of 
Ramona’s gullet and shoved it into Jilly’s 
yellow puss, just to give her something to 
really make noise about. 

“Yahhh,” exclaimed Jilly, her passion 
hardly muffled by the muff in her mouth. 
Shacking up with two women has taught 
me the reassuring lesson that even lesbos 
react most strongly to a shot of penis. I 
gave her a few good strokes while 
Ramona bit her love button. Upon the 
reemergence of my gleet-glistening mem- 
ber, I smacked the engorged head against 
her bristly pubes. The vaginal sandpaper 
burned in the best way. 

Ramona begged, “Let me suck you 
off.” I graciously allowed her a taste of 
the tip, but refused to honor her request 
for splooge. My intention lay between 
her jiggling butt cheeks, so scarred and 
reddened by Jilly’s fingernails. As I cir- 
cled around to the edge of the bed where 
the rump was being so thoroughly 
lapped, I felt like an anal hunter in big- 
game country. 

Although Jilly had every right to be 


(continued from page 37) 
artner’s raised bottom; in the process, 


distracted by the labes draped over her 
lips, she was still considerate enough to 
part Ramona’s pooper upon my approach. 
Sometimes I feel like Jilly and I have a 
psychic bond. For instance, there was the 
time I was about to come on Ramona’s 
face, and her eyelids were suddenly held 
open by Jilly’s helpful hands. How could 
she have known I was pissed at the bitch 
and planned to take revenge by aiming 
for her eyeball? Now the telepathic tramp 
was facilitating the introduction of my 
throbbing hard-on to Ramona’s sphinc- 
ters. I looked down to catch a leering, 
blood-caked wink from Jilly. Her 
drenched appearance gave new meaning 
to the term red-faced. 

“No, no, no,” burst Ramona, her colon 
muscles tightening. “Oww/ It hurts too 
much. Pull out, and lube up.” Jilly’s 
mouth was conveniently located below 
my rectal explorations; so I removed my 
first few inches and crammed them down 
her esophagus. She sucked greedily, 
swabbed my tool against Ramona’s sloppy 
cunt and aimed the pointer back to her 
bottom. This time, entry was quite easy. 
Soon I was engulfed in her turgid turd 
rings. I pumped the butt and let Jilly take 
care of providing clitoral stimulation, 

The potent combination proved too 

(continued on page 50) 


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April HUSTLER 


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Hot Letters “Lick my asshole, 


(continued from page 47) 
” | barked. What a sex-starved harlot | am. If reaching 


my nonny was a chore, providing my own rimjob would certainly be no walk in the park. 


much for Ramona; her elbows gave out, 
and she collapsed in Jilly’s steamy sex. 
Hopefully, she wouldn’t suffocate as I 
banged her caboose to a nad-shattering 
climax. 

I yelled, “Get ready, Jilly. Gonna rub 
my spraying cock all over your face until 
it’s red, white and brown. Like 
Neapolitan ice cream..." A twitch over- 
took my groin, and the first volley of 
chum blasted Ramona’s bowels. Quickly, 
I unplugged her hole and pointed down- 
ward; Jilly’s tongue flopped about to 
catch every scummy drop. I ended by 
practically sitting on her face to push 
every inch of my gourd down her pipe. 

Did I return the favor by going down 
on Jilly and Ramona until they came? Not 
quite; walking out of the room and flip- 
ping on the television was my final April 
Fools’ prank. Besides, that’s what keep- 
ing an extra ginch around the house is for. 
I think eating out a bloody cunt is dis- 
gusting. Maybe I'll dump Ramona and 
just keep Jilly around, —K.B. 

Bloomington, Indiana 


EAT ME 
Some people take up yoga for health rea- 


sons. Others claim the Hindu exercises 
help with mental well-being. I signed up 


“I love a man who knows how to dress for success...” 


for a yoga class so I could learn to lick my 
own pussy. Don’t laugh; when I said as 
much at the first meeting, half the women 
raised their hands and admitted the same 
ulterior motive. 

It’s not that I can’t find men to do the 
job. Plenty volunteer every day, attracted 
by my fit physique, pendulous melons 
and ice-goddess features. Sadly, none of 
them can do it right, Most guys chow car- 
pet like a cow at a salt lick. The rest pos- 
sess a decent trick or two...then bore me 
by repeating the same tongue twist all 
night long. I decided to take matters into 
my own hands—or mouth, as the case 
may be. 

My first oral foray into my fur burger 
occurred after a particularly frustrating 
date. This dork I met at the supermarket 
ended up dry-humping me on the couch 
until he wasn’t so dry. In fact, he had 
ejaculated in his ugly plaid pants. I was 
mortified. He didn’t even have the decen- 
cy to unzip first! There I was, horny as 
hell and faced with a spent, two-inch wie- 
nie. I threw him out and loaded a roman- 
tic tape into the stereo. 

At first, I couldn’t even reach my 
head past my flat, firm belly. I realized I 
needed to sweet-talk myself a little bit. 
Making sure all the windows were 
closed so no neighbors could hear, I laid 


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down one hell of a smooth rap. 

“Baby,” I began, playfully sneaking a 
naughty hand to my knee. “What's the 
matter? Don’t you want to give me a taste 
of that hot, sweet poontang? Shit, honey, 
you're the finest bitch I’ve seen all year. 
Just let my taste buds caress your sugar 
walls.” Sure, I felt a little ridiculous 
spewing such nonsense with no one else 
in sight, But the dirty language did the 
trick. I could sense the muscles in my 
neck straining to achieve crotch contact. 

The musky prize was still a few inches 
away. I took a deep breath in my squat- 
ting position and touched myself lightly 
upon the mons, 

“Don’t pull away now,” I insisted to 
myself, “I’m just getting started. Come 
on you filthy little whore. You know you 
want my tongue in your flue. Take it! 
Take every bit of me inside. I’m through 
talking; it’s time to use my mouth on that 
tight, pink canal.” The rough treatment 
shocked myself. I worked like a mother- 
fucker to fulfill my selfish desires, even if 
I suffered back pain or became stuck in 
the degrading pose. Finally, sucking suc- 
cess was mine. 

To reward myself for a job well done, I 
tickled my love lips for a solid hour. 
Cream gushed upon my face. I staved off 
climax for as long as possible; now that I 
was in position, | wanted to enjoy the 
fruits. A particular flick of my swollen clit 
was the last straw before my cunny was 
consumed with orgasmic spasms. 

1 erupted, “God, you're so good,” and 
bucked in my face. The loin burst was a 
wet one. It was impossible to discern my 
saliva from my _ intimate juices. 
Exhausted, I was just about to fall back 
and stretch out when I astonished myself 
by demanding more. 

“Lick my asshole,” I barked. What a 
sex-starved harlot I am. If reaching my 
nonny was a chore, providing my own 
rimjob would certainly be no walk in the 
park. | would hear no complaining, how- 
ever; my every protest was met with a 
command of, “Lick it, bitch!” 

Uh-oh, HUSTLER—I'd better go. 
Writing this letter made me hot and both- 
ered. And now I’m ordering myself to do 
me with a 14-inch dildo! —A.C. 

Delton, Florida 


HUSTLER-STORE WHORE 


Hey, Larry—thanks for opening a 
HUSTLER store in my neighborhood. I 
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your Cincinnati branch, and now you’re 
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fine establishment in Hollywood...and my 
wife has absolutely no intention of suing. 
She even plans to offer you a reward. But 
I'll mention that at the end of the letter. 

My marriage to Kora has always had 
its ups and downs. Lately, my pecker has 
spent a lot more time in that terrible down 
mode, It’s not that Kora is unattractive to 
me. Actually, she looks better than ever. I 
bought her a gym membership for 
Christmas last year, and she sweated her- 
self into taut, fuckable shape. Her full, 
succulent bosom has never drooped, and 
her butt booms temptingly from a short 
skirt. She went so far as to dye her hair 
black and sport a Cleopatra cut when she 
caught me whacking off to a supermodel 
with the same look. None of Kora’s 
efforts helped; | simply grew tired of 
porking her bronze cooch, No matter how 
hot a woman is, there’s always a guy 
somewhere who is sick of fucking her— 
just like my dad used to say. 

I happened to spot HUSTLER 
HOLLYWOOD on Sunset Boulevard 
while driving Kora to her date with a 
StairMaster. The place looked polite 
enough from the outside for me to tempt 
my mild-mannered wife with a quick visit. 

“Come on, honey,” I cajoled. “You 
loved that movie The People vs. Larry 
Flynt. Vil bet they have plenty of similar 
flicks.” She shot me a glare that quickly 
twisted into a smirk. All right, so Kora 
was on to my game; she was also encour- 
aging me to find a parking space and 
escort her to the video section. 

Kora grabbed a tape featuring a conser- 
vatively dressed maiden from the 
Victorian era and whispered, “This one 
looks good.” At first, I cringed, unwilling 
to sit through a boring costume drama. 
Then I recognized the Private-brand label. 
Their tapes always feature raunchy gang- 
bangs and butt-fucking. I made a big pro- 
duction out of reluctantly agreeing and 
purchased the fine example of sodomy 
cinema, 

At home, my wife quickly understood 
we had not rented a Merchant-lvory 
film. Her eyes grew wide as she watched 
a nasty double-anal penetration befoul 
our Sony widescreen. Signs indicated 
that her vage was also growing quite 
steamy; a familiar, pussified aroma filled 
my nostrils. 

“I’m so wet,” she admitted, seemingly 
surprised by her soaking condition. I 
reached between Kora’s legs. She had just 
uttered the understatement of the century. 
Even through the thick fabric of her 
sweatpants, a twat typhoon had palpably 
ruined her workout gear. | peeled off the 
\ sticky garment, pausing only for a deep 


whiff of the thong panties underneath. 
The butt floss was tossed aside as I spread 
her legs. 

I whipped out my raging arousal, prod- 
ded the ten inches against Kora’s opening 
and intoned, “Prepare for the fuck of a 
lifetime.” Suddenly she stopped me and 
pushed me aside. Her eyes were glassy 
and lust-glazed. 

“T can’t see the television,” she 
groused. Unbelievable! I had transformed 
my wife into a rabid porn fiend with one 
lousy tape. In order not to obscure her 
viewing pleasure, I pivoted Kora’s body 
upon the couch. 

One of her slender, shapely gams 
pointed upward while the other hit the 
floor. She frantically frigged her love but- 
ton and pleaded for my fuck stick. At this 
point, | was so horny that my initial thrust 
banged her head into the wall, The loud 
thud jolted me enough to halt my piston- 
ing hips. 

“Jesus,” she screeched, followed by, 
“don’t fucking stop!” I had never felt 
Kora gyrate the way she did that after- 
noon. Initially, I credited the new vibra- 
tions to the massive state of my sword. A 
quick glance at the onscreen action 
revealed the true source of excitement: 
Kora was imitating the actress who suf- 
fered a brutal duo dicking. Our power 


Hot Lette rs Our pumping was about to reach a splattery crescendo when Kora 


announced, “! want something in my ass too! Can you drive back to the store and buy a really fucking big toy?” 


pumping was about to reach a splattery 
crescendo when Kora announced, “I want 
something in my ass too! Can you drive 
back to the store and buy a really fucking 
big toy?” 

Believe it or not, I agreed to my 
wife’s outrageous demand and took off 
down Sunset Boulevard at 80 miles per 
hour. HUSTLER HOLLYWOOD was 
open, thank God; a comely clerk was 
more than welcome to recommend her 
favorite anal beads and butt plug, I raced 
home, slathered the plastic reamer with 
lube (also purchased at the HUSTLER 
store) and plunged the fat boy up Kora’s 
bunghole. 

She yowled, “Yesss,” and continued to 
moan when my harpoon stuck her 
snatch. We shared an intense, simultane- 
ous orgasm; Kora claimed semen was 
still leaking down her leg at work the 
next day. 

Thanks, Larry, for providing some 
excitement in our marriage. Kora would 
appreciate the opportunity to blow you in 
gratitude. Is there a particular time we can 
stop by the office? —A.W. 

Los Angeles, California 


Send your sexperiences to HUSTLER Hot 
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The sperm-splattered women of porn 
comprise a never-ending procession 
of fresh faces, fat tits and perfect 
asses; as for their male counterparts, 
the same dog-eared mooks appear 
again and again. Why has fat, hairy 
Ron Jeremy been paid to fuck the 
hottest chicks on the planet in literally 
thousands of skin flicks? Why does 
45-year-old Randy West continue to 
take home a paycheck for screwing 
girls who could be his granddaugh- 
ters? In the business-first world of 
hard-core porn, men are not selected 
for looks, sculpted muscles or even 
necessarily for the size of their penis- 
es, although a jumbo joy knob cer- 
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stud; total cock control. 

A man who cannot get hard 
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notice in front of 20 impatient, jeal- 
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klieg lights and a control-freak direc- 
tor is as useful in the jizz biz as a 
chick with her legs crossed. 

Any red-blooded nonhomo should 
have no trouble sprouting a boner 
when a harem of dream girls is wait- 
ing for him to ream their ass rings, 
but the rigors of film production 
wither otherwise-dependable wangs. 
Only a select few masters of man 
meat are paid to pound pussy. 

What does it take to be a reliable 
porn gunslinger, the stud who is 
called back in spite of a pudgy 
physique, slackening jowls or a 
receding hairline? HUSTLER talks 
with porn’s premier pricks about the 
art of training the salami to submit. 

* * * 

“There are only so many fucking 
cowboys that roll through,” says 
Buck Adams, a hardened porn vet- 
eran. “It’s a brotherhood. With very 
few exceptions, if they didn’t have 
it when they walked through the 
door, they ain't got it. They ain't 
never gonna get it no matter how 
hard they try.” 

Contrary to what Adams may 
believe, many of today’s most 
unflagging bronco busters flopped 


56 


Restrictive attitudes in the name of so-called morality increasingly take the fun out of fucking. 
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this series strives to spread the word that rubbing uglies is a beautiful experience. 


Tools of the Trade 


WOOD SECRETS OF PORN'S TOP SWORDSMEN 


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when they first started. Although 
porn swordsmen are unwilling to use 
words such as flaccid, limp or mushy 
to characterize their early perfor- 
mances, they speak frankly with 
HUSTLER about their troubles pop- 
ping out of the starting blocks. 

“The first three I did were horri- 
ble,” says Brad Armstrong, Wicked’s 
top actor/producer/director. “Any 
dude, unless you get lucky, their first 
five or six movies are a fucking 
nightmare.” 

Even a reliable stud such as Tom 
Byron had it rough when he jumped 
into porn. “When I first started, I was 
terrible. It took me a good half year 
before I was able to get the hang of 
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“I was on a shoot on a boat,” Byron 


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ILLUSTRATION BY VAN ARNO 


seasick, and they didn’t get around to 
my scene until 5 a.m. the next morn- 
ing. I was tired, and I just didn’t give 
a fuck. There was a girl, she was kind 
of cute, and I thought, You know, | 
don't care whether I get it up or not. 
I'm going to go in there and just have 
fun. And | did. Once I stopped worry- 
ing and adopted an I-don’t-give-a- 
fuck attitude, it got easy.” 

“The guy who doesn’t think about 
fucking up ain’t going to,” says Buck 
Adams. “On a day where you think it 
would take a nuclear explosion to 
make your dick move, all of the sud- 
den, this I'm-the-fucking-vet-here 
motor kicks in.” 

“There is a tremendous amount of 
pressure on porn swordsmen to stay 
hard,” says Vince Vouyer, an A-list 
. “You're only as good as your 
last scene 
-iving legend Randy West had 


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trepidations when he showed up for his 
first porn shoot, but his anxiety was 
eased by good fortune. “I saw this girl 
lying there naked, saying, ‘Hi, I’m 
Samantha Fox, and I'm looking forward 
to fucking you.” I said, ‘Okay, I can prob- 
ably handle this.’ 

“To be a full-time guy in this business, 
you need to be oversexed, ready to screw 
somebody about every ten minutes,” says 
West. “As a kid, I had to jerk off about 
four or five times a day just to maintain a 
little sanity.” 

Not surprisingly, porn’s woodsmen 
have developed a variety of tricks of the 
trade to see them through to raging hard- 
ons, Exercise and physical fitness—Ron 
Jeremy notwithstanding—appear to be 
common themes. 

“Most of the guys in this business that 
I've seen perform well have been in pretty 
good shape,” notes Vince Vouyer. 
“Working out is a given as far as keeping 
up my testosterone and staying horny. 
Fucking a lot also keeps you in shape.” 
Vouyer swears that his leg workouts stim- 
ulate testosterone production. 

Seventeen-year veteran Tom Byron 
“Working out keeps your blood 
moving. And you have to keep in shape 
so you can do those weird position: 

Randy West recommends multiple vita- 
mins. “ supposed to build the tad- 
poles up a bit and might make you come 
a little more,” he adds. 

“Sex is from the mind,” says Max 
Hardcore, gonzo actor/director/producer 
extraordinaire. “I can fuck the ugliest girl 
and have a great hard-on or fuck a beauti- 
ful girl and not be fully there. It all 
depends on where the mind’s at.” 

Tom Byron elicits horniness via a more 
natural route: abstinence. “I leave my 
dick alone for, like, a week or two before 
a shoot so I’m ready to fuck a door,” he 
says. “I really don’t have to go too far into 
my head to get there,” 

Dave Hardman decries these home 
remedies as ineffective. “The trick is: 
There is no trick,” says Hardman. “It’s 
one in 1,000 guys that can do this, and it’s 
bred into you.” 

“Some guys do the ginseng; some guys 
smoke a joint,” says Brad Armstrong. “It 
just depends. | pretty much make sure I 
like the chick.” 

Almost by definition, porn queens are 
eminently fuckable, but woodsmen are 
occasionally asked to plug their penises 
into some horrifying holes, demanding 
miracles of stiffness. 

“Sometimes it’s like cottage cheese drip- 
\\_ping out of her pussy, and she’s got shit all 


over her asshole, like she needs to wipe her 
fucking ass,” says Dave Hardman. “Those 
are the days you go to work.” 

“When you're doing a girl that you're 
not crazy about, that’s when you have to 
fantasize,” says Randy West. “I’m sure 
most guys have done it when they've 
gone out with somebody for a long time. 
Once in a while, you have to pull that 
trick at home. Fortunately for them, they 
don’t have 20 people waiting for them to 
get it up. You gotta tap into that fantasy 
pretty quick and whack away.” 

“It's all mental, bro’,” says Vince 
Vouyer. “You just gotta concentrate. / 
gotta get my dick hard. | gotta get my dick 
hard. Maybe I'll think of someone else.” 

“For me, getting it up isn’t much of a 
problem, but sometimes holding back is 
the toughest job,” says Randy West, who 
has developed his own strategies to control 
his glop geyser. “You try to hold off, take a 
minute break or think about Nate Newton 
naked after a sweaty game in Dallas, That 
might take the edge off a little bit.” 

“Personally, | pop really easy,” says 
Brad Armstrong. “I'm fighting it all the 
way through, especially when there’s two 
chicks, Sometimes I'll pinch my leg or 
my ear, and every once in a while, you 
just have to take a break,” 


“Okay...okay—I'll make you a real one, but believe me, Adam, 


Sex Play Almost by definition, porn queens are eminently fuckable, but woodsmen are 


occasionally asked to plug their penises into some horrifying holes, demanding miracles of stiffness. 


“When I'm fucking a girl in the ass,” 
adds Byron, “I'll think how disgusting it 
is that I’m going up the place where she 
shits.” 

For many of the men of porn, a lifetime 
of masturbating lends itself to expert 
orgasm control. “You have to know your 
own body,” says Byron, “You have to jerk 
off a lot to know when you want to come. 
See if you can time your orgasm to the 
orgasm of the guy onscreen, If you can 
master that control, you should be able to 
translate it to real life, 

“The more you jerk off, the more you 
learn about your own dick,” Byron adds, 
“Apply that when you’re having sex.” 

Each fuck and every jackoff session can 
be a form of practice for future porn star- 
dom, but too much practice may be 
counterproductive, 

“Don’t jerk off too much if you work in 
this business,” says Vince Vouyer. 
“You're going to get used to your hand so 
much, no one’s going to match it.” 

Tom Byron disagrees. “Porn actually 
se other than just getting off,” he 
‘s an endurance builder, It can 


sound like Nina Hartley now, Watch porn, 
jerk off, get to know your dick, and you 
can pretty much do anything.” 


Se 4 


Hix 


. 


you'll be much happier with this!” 


April HUSTLER 


59 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY MATT! KLA 


Exotic dancers Desiree and Antoni plai 


the sordid 
history behind their act 


Desiree and I met in jail. I'd eat her pussy and shove my fin- 


ger into her mouth so the guards wouldn't hear her coming.” 
“When guys watch our show, all they see are two hot When Antonia transferred to the county facility,” Desiree 


oily broads going down on cach other in a steel crib,” recalls, probing her lover's twat, “all I did was touch myself 
Antonia explains. She covers her co-star with massa and cry. Antonia and | are free now, but we make love in this 
oil. “The masses don't understand that our performar crib to show that every lover's bed is a prison.” 
symbolizes our solidarity with our jailhouse sisters.” Antonia dives between Desiree’s legs 

Antonia gazes longingly at Desiree’s spread snatch I hereby sentence you to a lifetime of illicit pl 


| | 
cei 
Dal re 
ae 
ae 


Tyan 


THE DEUGGCY  Giniiani's “quatity of ite” initiative, which had preyed upon the city's taxicab 


drivers, hot-dog vendors, jaywalkers and squeegee men, has fixed New York's sex industry between its crosshairs. 


This was possibly my last pilgrimage to 
the fortresslike flesh emporium known as 
Show World, a melting pot of models to 
suit a melting pot of masturbators. Not 
long ago, Show World’s potpourri of 
pussy was available 24 hours a day to 
sooth the loneliness of crackheads and 
corporate executives alike. Peep-A-Live 
stages allowed customers to behold 
female and semifemale anatomies from 
private booths, with plexiglass separating 
suit from slut. For a tip, peep whores 
would offer their saliva-soaked titties for 
ing; a generous customer could dip 
his finger up to the knuckle in slit. Sadly, 
those days are over. 

It was at Show World, on the corner of 
8th Avenue and 42nd Street, that I worked 
as a mop man, swabbing an endless 
stream of ejaculations from the labyrinth 
of video peeps. Over the years, I devel- 
oped a motto: You drop it; we mop it. 
Later | graduated to the stardom of fuck- 
ing onstage. The sweet allure of drugs 
deepened the experience, and I absorbed 
the glamour and seduction of “the life” 
into my bloodstream. All told, I spent 
years in Show World's sleazy confines. 

42nd Street, known to the outlaws and 
outcasts of ghetto culture as the Deuce, 
was a neon-laced underworld teeming 
with wildlife. Now-vanishing tribes 


flourished there: pimps cruising the 
thruways of indecency in custom El 
Dorados; hotpanted, blond-wigged, black 
hookers hustling some half ’n’ half for 
cab fare home; Hasidim looking for 
blowjobs; hermaphrodites seeking tricks; 
and drug dealers that didn’t worry about 
busts. Today it is as though the lowlifes 
vanished overnight, replaced by blue- 
suited executives and tourists. 

1 emerge from the subway and approach 
the last remaining enclave of adult estab- 
lishments in the whole of Times Square. 
Results of Mayor Rudolf W. Giuliani's 
zealous antiporn campaign are immedi- 
ately evident. 

Apvutr Live Nupe Girts, Live FRENCH 
Acts, XXX Movies tN CoLor once 
flashed in bright neon outside grand, old 
theaters, announcing the carnal attrac- 
tions that waited inside. These days, the 
signs themselves are against the law, let 
alone the acts they advertise. 

I'd had no idea how attached I was to 
those lewd, fluorescent fixtures until they 
were gone, Where ORIENTAL, SHE-MALE, 
AMATEUR, FETISH, AND RUBBER Goops 
were shamelessly splashed across mar- 
quees, meek neon replacements whimper: 
BoOKs-SOUVENIRS-ASSORTED NOVELTIES. 

Mayor Giuliani's “quality of life 


“Well, dear, it depends on how you define the word fuck.” 


70 


April HUSTLER 


taxicab drivers, hot-dog vendors, jay- 
walkers and squeegee men, has fixed 
New York’s sex industry between its 


“It’s very, very easy for a politician to 
have a crusade against prostitution, 
sex, promiscuity and topless 
ys Michele Capozzi, who spent 
18 years in the underbelly of the city, con- 
ducting tours for Italian visitors through 
what he used to call Fun City. “Giuliani’s 
goal is to make midtown Manhattan a 
tourist mecca. There’s no soul in all of 
this. It’s boring, fucking boring. 

“I always enjoyed getting a handjob 
from prostitutes in the street,” he adds 
wistfully. “When I go to topless bars, I 
want to get off with a good lap dance and 
shoot my cum in my pants—that has 
always been a pleasure. Now it seems that 
lap dancing is a form of prostitution.” 

The crackdown began recently. The 
dickless puritans of the United States 
Supreme Court gave Mayor “Adolf” 
Giuliani his final victory in his crusade 
against pornography, ruling th 
zoning law exiling sex businesses 
industrial areas does not trample free 
speech. The zoning law, coupled with 
Giuliani’s pathological fixation against 
smut, brought down sex on the Deuce and 
throughout the entire city as well. 

I walk into the lobby of Show World. I 
no longer have the feeling that I belong 
there. The fuck books, XXX tapes, dildos 
and inflatable dolls have been replaced by 
miniature Empire State Buildings, beep- 
ers, walkmans, photo-ID cards and Elvis 
Presley T-shirts. Show World found it 
could remain open by devoting a substan- 
tial portion of its floor space to main- 
stream stock, and today there is little evi- 
dence that this was once the epicenter of 
smut in New York City. 

Across the street, what looks like a 
gigantic meteor crater stretches for 
almost a full block—a block that was 
once the sleaziest in America. Now it’s 
ground zero for the new Disney complex. 

Complaining that the city had been 
overrun by smut, the Disney Corporation 
apparently made it a condition of its 
investment on 42nd Street that sex shops 
be forced out. With the Disney-owned 
New Amsterdam theater showcasing The 
Lion King at one end of the block and 
Show World, with its legs spread, at the 
other, it is easy to imagine Disney deliv- 
ering their ultimatum: There can only be 
one pussy on this block, and it’s going to 
be The Lion King. 

Show World, a seedy fixture on 8th 
Avenue for 23 years, was the antithesis of 

(continued on page 78) 


always the same. 
’m a nubile island princess 
it to be thrown into a volcano 
as part of a fertility rite.” The lan- 
guid exotic exhales. “The vil- 
lagers remove my clothes, tie me 
to a table and anoint my body with 
oil, Just as I’m about to give in to 
despair, J, chiseled dude ina 
loincloth comes to my rescue 
‘There is only one w 
you,’ he says, sliding his hard dick 
into my tight, virgin cunt. My 
hymen snaps. Burning pain shoots 
through my belly.” Lani sticks 
three fingers up her hole. “The 
volcano spews hot, viscous fluid 
all over my breasts. Then | wake 
up.” Lani sighs. “I may not be a 
princess, but I'll sacrifice my body 
to the right guy,” 


y to save 


The Deuce Euro sluts and homegrown whores ali 


(continued from page 70) 


ke gyrated on stages, the bodacious 


embodiments of female anatomical perfection. Titty touching and flagrant fingering were frequent here. 


family-friendly Disney and had to be 
climinated. Today the entrance to the 
long, narrow corridor of video peeps is 
blocked by jet-black, saloon-style swing- 
ing doors; the corridor itself is eerily 
empty. Once the sounds of video ecstasy 
emanated from every booth, and I knew 
from experience that each screen was 
splashed with nut juice. Only weeks ear- 
lier, a procession of Venus flytraps paraded 
s, and a turn- 
stile led to stablelike areas inhabited by a 
harem of nude girls. Now the fantasy 
le lies in ruins. Amazon peep queens 
¢ been deposed by Mickey Mouse and 
his crew. 

Cruising along 8th Avenue, I stop by an 
adult-book, -video and peep parlor that has 
remained open. I know the owner, but he 
asks that I not identify him by name for 


I'll refer to him as Bobby. 

ure him that I won't reveal 
his identity, Bobby blows off some steam. 
He's had a lot on his mind, mostly our 
esteemed mayor. 

“I didn’t invent sex; I didn’t invent 
magazines. Because of this prick scum- 
bag cocksucker mayor, now it’s gonna be 
more under the table,” he says. “That bas- 
tard took a big chunk out of our income— 
fucking 60% of revenue.” 


Once Bobby starts talking, there isn’t 
much I can do but listen. 

“Giuliani wants to close us the fuck 
down,” he continues, “and he can do it; 
they're using the nuisance fuckin’ abate- 
ment law—even if there’s nothing illegal 
going on, if a cop offers one of our girls a 
thousand dollars a thousand times for a 
blowjob, sooner or later, she’s gonna go 
out with him. It don’t gotta be on the 
premises; it could be across the street at 
McDonald’s, They get us once, we're on 
notice, They get us twice, we're closed.” 

I know these girls. It’s not fair entrap- 
ping them, offering good money for a 
blowjob. They can’t help but suck— 
they're bimbos. 

I have no intention of throwing salt on 
an open wound, but I need to know what 
Bobby thinks of the chances that his loyal 
patrons will rise up to reverse the anti- 
smut tide. 

“Our customers are the silent majority,” 
he replies. “They're anonymous people, 
very private. No one’s going to stand up 
in our defense.” 

I exit Bobby’s place dejected and 
glance down the avenue at what used to 
be the most notable dives of the Deuce. 
The Harris, the Selwyn, the Liberty, Cine 
42, Black Jack, Flame Steak, the Super- 
Fly Boutique, the Roxy Burlesk, Bill's 


SUICIDE 


HOTLINE 


[=] 
ina! 
[=] 


oe 


es 


“Lady, all thinking people are tired of Rush Limbaugh. 
Now, take the razor away from your wrist...” 


78 


April HUSTLER 


Gyro and Souvlaki; all gone. 

The sj cular awning of the Playpen 
is still intact, although a crew of Sri 
Lankan workmen is busy filling a 
Dumpster with debris from its recently 
demolished stages. In what was once an 
elegant theater, individual stalls like 
spokes on a wheel allowed the peep 
patron to view Asian twats, Latina lick 
pies and coochies of both ebony and 
ivory extraction on revolving platforms. 
Euro sluts and homegrown whores alike 
gyrated on stages, the bodacious embodi- 
ments of female anatomical perfection. 
Titty touching and flagrant fingering were 
frequent here. Sadly, Playpen’s babes-in- 
the-buff were forced to flee. 

Out on the avenue, I recognize Luxury, 
a longtime stripper, on the sidewalk. I 
don’t run into as many people in Times 
Square as I used to, but who could miss 
Luxury, a dark-skinned hootchie mama in 
biker shorts, with a high African rump? 
Luxury is as unhappy as any of us with 
the new Times Square. “It used to be the 
Deuce, Forty Do-ow,” she says. “You 
could be broke, and you could have fun 
on 42nd Street, but now it’s screwing up 
my life. It used to be I could dance one 
night, be it a Sunday, Monday or a 
Tuesday, and come home with maybe 
$500, $600. Ain’t had to work for a week, 
had everything my kids needed. But now 
it’s like, tonight I paid the house, I paid 
mama, and | only got $10 in my pocket!” 

A couple of days earlier, Luxury was 
working at a club in Queens when the 
cops closed it down. “It was early in the 
morning, the news was there,” she says. 
“They had people with cameras talkin’ 
"bout all the dancers. They were acting 
like the world was comin’ to an end 
‘cause we were stripping, like it’s 
Armageddon or some shit like that. We 
about our business! 1 wish the world was 
comin’ to an end, because us strippers are 
livin’ our last days.” 

After running into Luxury, I feel com- 
pelled to find out who is to blame for dis- 
mantling our Peep-A-Live stage and, with 
it, our livelihoods, Why did they do this 
to us? Who are they? 

A fury inside of me inspires me to 
approach the responsible parties. I need 
answers. 

Perhaps the Giuliani administration or 
even the Disney Corporation would be 
sympathetic to the plight of mop men, 
bouncers, dry-hustle hostesses, transsexu- 
als, lap dancers, hookers and peep-show 
sluts—people who have lost their liveli- 
hoods because of the cleanup. 

A visit to City Hall is uneventful. Mr. 
Giuliani's office refuses to see me, as do 


“Tonight...Monica Lewinsky...up front and personal.” 


The Deuce Despite my frustration in contacting the madman responsible for the 


demise of all | hold dear, | am unbowed and decide to concentrate my efforts on the Disney Corporation. 


his deputy and his assistant. Every elected 
official I ask to see is reported to be in a 
meeting by their secretaries. 

I am determined to hold them account- 
able for what they've done, I dial the 
phone number of Giuliani’s office of 
information. No emotional outbursts, I say 
to myself. If | push too many buttons, I 
may end up being investigated myself. 

I don’t get through right away. The line 
is busy, busy, busy. When an actual per- 
son comes on, I am put on hold and left 
on hold. Finally, | reach Jennifer Chait, 
the mayor’s spokesperson. I identify 
myself as a peep-show mop man who 
used to perform live sex acts onstage. 
This does little to impress Ms. Chait. 

“Jennifer, can you answer some of my 
questions or put me in touch with some- 
one who can?” | ask, getting down to 
business, 

“I'm sorry,” she answers politely, “it 
won't be possible to answer any questions 
at all, unless you submit your questions in 
advance, After they are carefully 
reviewed, our office will send you a state- 
ment outlining the mayor’s position.” 

Wow, that would be almost like corre- 
sponding with the mayor himself. 

“How about I just tell you my questions 
over the phone so I can save money on 
the postage stamp?” I ask. 


OH, FATHER — 
PUMPING HIS HUGE THICK PENIS 
IN AND OUT OF MY THROAT I... 
MY PANTIES WERE SOAKED / ... 


“Okay, give me your questions. I'll do 
my best to process them,” she says. 

“Does Mayor Giuliani have any con- 
cern whatsoever that the sex-industry 
employees are losing their jobs? They're 
just trying to earn a living. Is it true that 
the mayor would like to see each and 
every sex shop padlocked, closed and 
eliminated? Furthermore, what is the real 
reason he wants to ban this type of enter- 
tainment?” 

Before I can ask any more questions, 
Ms. Chait thanks me, promises to process 
my questions and is off the phone. A cou- 
ple of weeks later, I still haven't heard 
back from Ms. Chait or the mayor. 

Despite my frustration in contacting the 
madman responsible for the demise of all 
I hold dear, I am unbowed and decide to 
concentrate my efforts on the Disney 
Corporation. 

My calls to the Mouse go unanswered, 
and the dial tone reminds me I am getting 
nowhere, until Colleen Hughes, another 
spokesperson, comes on the line, I 
explain my involvement in the world of 
peeps. She couldn't care less about my 
knowledge of disinfectants or my exem~- 
plary janitorial skills. 

“I need some answers about Disney’s 
influence on Times Square,” | demand. 

“We have no comments,” she says. Her 


He Just KEPT 


April HUSTLER 


expert response makes clear that she is a 
formidable adversary. 

“Do you agree with the Giuliani admin- 
istration that sex shops destroy the quali- 
ty of life in New York?” 

“That's a subject we have nothing to do 
with,” she replies. 

“Did you know that the sex industry in 
this city has virtually been wiped out?” I 
ask testily. “Will Disney take any respon- 
sibility for this?” 

“The Disney Corporation's primary 
concern is the restoration of the New 
Amsterdam theater.” 

Ms. Hughes is being less than forth- 
ing; she isn en responding to my 
questions, just reciting stock responses, I 
suggest that she put me in touch with an 
executive. 

“All the executives are out of town,” 
she says, 

That is the extent of our conversation. 

Aren't I worthy of a real response? I 
know deep in my heart that Disney did 
away with the Deuce, and it was deliber- 
ate, but I also know that Mickey didn’t 
act alone, 

The Grand Luncheonette was built into 
the Selwyn theater and was a Times 
Square fixture for 58 years. It was the 
very last hot-dog stand on the old Forty- 
Deuce. On any given occasion, a cop, a 
pimp, a drag queen and an amputee in a 
wheelchair would be there, wolfing down 
frankfurters or maybe a hamburger or a 
knish. The Grand Luncheonette is gone 
too—destroyed in the name of develop- 
ment—and, with it, a Sabrettes wiener 
with all the trimmings that only cost $1. 
The next hot dog anyone will buy on this 
street will cost $5, and a powerful 
alliance of titan realtors called the Times 
Square Business Improvement District is 
largely to blame. 

The TSBID was especially active in 
lobbying for the new zoning amendment 
that was the city’s main weapon in the 
war against smut. A cornucopia of tax 
breaks to the ominous tune of $666 mil- 
lion was the reward for expanding com- 
mercial development in Times Square. 

Personally, | don’t see how the TSBID’s 
scheme is good for the city’s business. 
Big organizations won't want to have 
their conventions in New York because 
there’s nothing to do for fun. 

I decide to give the Times Square 
Business Improvement District a call to 
see if they can account for transforming 
a tawdry red-light district into a tourist 
mecca. 

Christine Krisch, a media liaison, 
agrees to speak with me on the condition 

(continued on page 162) 


“And you tell your Republican friends in Congress that I'll fuck more interns and cost them their jobs too!” 


iT esealtte 


<A, 


Pe 


HOTOGRAPHY BY 
CLIVE McLEAN 
Devout stripper and sun worshiper 


Jagg discusses her unique itual 


Suddenly I real 
ing to devote 
> one man, I should be 
to fuck him The lapsed 
Catholic teases her pert nipples. “I 
haven't abandoned my faith. I 
Strive to be the Mother Teresa of 
exotic entertainment. The 
at the Golden Cave fill my G-stri 
with food stamps, but I don’t care. 
When I comp lap dances to dejected 
Vietnam vets, | go home knowing 
I've made a difference in the lives 
of the disenfranchised.” Jagg 
caresses her glistening box. “I used 
to want a man to fill the emotional 
void I have inside.” Jagg drills her 
fuck tunnel. “Now I'd settle for one 
who can fill my throbbing snatch.” 


- 


™ 
\ 


Realizing that his plane was dangerously overloaded, the 
pilot of a 747 made a desperate plea for a few brave pas- 
sengers to don parachutes and bail out. The pilot waited a 
few moments, but no one offered to jump. 

“Since there were no volunteers,” the pilot announced, 
“I'll have to choose passengers alphabetically. Do we 
have any African Americans traveling with us today?” 

An uneasy silence filled the cabin. 

“All right. Are there any black people onboard the air- 
craft?” 

No respons: 

“Will all the colored folks please come to the front of 
the plane?” 

A young, black boy tugged on his father’s sleeve. 
“Daddy, aren’t we all three of those?” 
“No, Son,” his father whispered, “today we're niggers.” 


Crelsea Clinton returned home from college on spring 
break. As she and her mother strolled across the White 
House lawn, Hillary posed a delicate question. 

“You’ve been away at college a long time now, 
Chelsea. Have you had sex yet?” 

“Well,” Chelsea answered hesitantly, “not according 
to Dad.” 


Question: How do you find a fat girl’s snatch? 
Answer: Flip through the folds until you smell shit, 
then go back one. 


A man walked into a bar in West Virginia and ordered a 
root beer. Joe the bartender eyed him suspiciously. 

“You ain’t from around here, are you, boy?” 

“No,” the traveler replied, “I’m from Ohio.” 

“What line of work you in?” 

“I’m a taxidermist,” the man said, sipping his drink. 

“A taxidermist? What the hell is that?” 

“I mount dead animals.” 

Joe smiled. “It’s okay, boys,” the barkeep said to the 
darkened tavern, “he’s one of us.” 


92 April HUSTLER 


Avery and Sue were passionately kissing in the backseat 
of Avery 

“I know you’re saving yourself for marriage, Sue,” 
Avery said, “but would you give me a blowjob?” 

“You're disgusting!” Sue shrieked. “I'd never put that 
thing in my mouth.” 

“How about a handjob, then?” 

“What's a handjob?” the young virgin inquired. 

“Did you ever shake up a bottle of soda pop real hard, 
then let it spray out?” 

“Yes.” 

“Well, a handjob’s the same idea.” 

Sue wrapped her hands around Avery’s cock and jacked 
it furiously, but within a few strokes, her date began to 
sweat and turn pale. 

“What’s the matter, Avery?” 

“Take your finger off the hole!” he cried. 


car. 


Question: How many LAPD officers does it take to beat 
up a black motorist? 
Answer: None. He fell down the 


airs. 


Two missionaries were captured by cannibals and thrown 
into a cauldron of boiling water. As the steam rose around 
the doomed Catholics, the younger missionary suddenly 
burst into hysterical laughter. 

“We're about to be eaten by a tribe of savages,” his 
companion exclaimed. “What could possibly be so 
funny? 

“J just peed in the soup!” he replied. 


The HUSTLER dictionary defines Yom Skippur as: an 
Israeli sea captain. 


Dyinking buddies Pat and Mike went out one Friday 
night. After the ninth or tenth bar, the two sots were tak- 
ing a piss in a dark alley when Pat made a drunken reve- 
lation. 
“J just sprouted the biggest boner of my life,” he pro- 
claimed. “I gotta go see my girlfriend right now.” 
“Better let me go with you, man,” Mike slurred. 
“Why?” Pat asked. 
“*Cause that’s my dick in your hand.” 


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IF TMERE WERE JUSTICE ... 


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RE T BY PETER HUSTON 
IN BY BRIAN SENDELBACH 


ee 


Sr PCS PRs “Our nation has been experiencing a panic about sexual abuse...we have 
been pulled in the direction of seeing ourselves as victims. The sex-in-space fantasy fits our cultural expectations.” 


Antonio Villas-Boas was plowing a field 
on his farm in the north of Brazil when a 
light in the sky descended and took on the 
details of a spacecraft as it settled in front 
of him. Villas-Boas turned his tractor 
around and gave it gas, but it stalled. He 
leaped off the machine and ran, but his 
feet sank into the newly turned earth, and 
a pair of strong arms grabbed him from 
behind. Villas-Boas turned and stood 
face-to-face with a tiny man dressed in a 
helmeted space suit. He knocked the alien 
down, but three more spacemen overpow- 
ered him and dragged him to their ship. 

His screams for help led only to ana- 
lytical stares from the beings, who appar- 
ently found his antics confusing. After a 
quick discussion in a yelping, doglike lan- 
guage, the group stripped Villas-Boas 
naked, scrubbed his skin with a clear, 
heavy liquid and released him into a side 
room. Terrified, his dignity and his cloth- 
ing torn from him, he fled into a corner 
and vomited. 

Next, a female alien entered the room; 
she too was naked. She was short like the 
others, but beautiful. Her smooth hair 
was parted in the center and reached 
halfway down her back, Her large, blue 
eyes slanted outward from a small nose. 
Her lips were thin, her mouth a slit. 

Villas-Boas was transfixed by her high, 


well-separated breasts, slender waist 
and blood-red pubic hair. She rubbed 
her head against his. He knew what she 
wanted. He stepped between her legs 
and entered her extraterrestrial poon- 
tang, ignoring the strong, dank odor. He 
stroked her high cheekbones, finding 
them strangely tough and leathery. She 
grunted like an animal and bit him on 
the chin. 

Suddenly the interspecies copulation 
was over. The sultry alien was called 
away by her comrades, who deposited 
Villas-Boas in the field next to his tractor, 
with his clothing beside him. The next 
day, he was troubled by nausea and a ter- 
rible headache. Later, his eyes burned. 
Running wounds appeared on parts of his 
body, leaving round, purplish scars. 

. . . 

When Antonio Villas-Boas told his 
story to reporters in 1957, he was the first 
person to recount a sexual encounter with 
a being from another world. Today, such 
reports, unsettling and unlikely as they 
may be, are standard in the UFO subcul- 
ture, particularly in the sex-crazed United 
States. 

An ardent, vocal core of believers 
warns whoever will listen: Small men 
with big eyes use advanced technology to 
float their helpless, paralyzed victims 


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through solid walls to orbiting mother 
ships, where sperm samples, forced rectal 
probes and actual sexual intercourse with 
extraterrestrials are almost routine. 

A menagerie of life-forms has been held 
responsible for these disturbing attacks. 
Greys, slender, bigheaded aliens with 
penetrating, black eyes, are the most 
commonly reported intergalactic species. 
Greys are notorious for the wide array of 
probes they insert into various orifices to 
study human sexual dynamics and pro- 
creative abilities. Reptilians, scaly, slit- 
eyed beasts, are known for sexual aggres- 
sion and their mind-control techniques. 

“Reptilians are not a politically correct 
species in the UFO community, and to 
admit to having sex with one—much less 
enjoy it—is beyond the pale as far as the 
more conservative members of that com- 
munity are concerned,” says Pamela 
Stonebrooke, an abductee who is writing 
a book about her sensual experiences 
with extraterrestrials. 

Eve Francis Lorgen, a psychologist who 
treats women who claim to have been 
assaulted by lizardlike alien beings, ru 
abductee support group in San Diego, 
California. (Lorgen herself reports having 
been abducted repeatedly since childhood.) 
“A female abductee had an encounter 
where a tall being came through an interdi- 
mensional doorway in her bedroom at 
night,” she says. “She became paralyzed, 
and the being sexually assaulted her, all the 
while putting in her mind that she was hav- 
ing sex with her favorite fantasy man.” 

In some locations, support groups exist 
specifically for human/alien hybrids, who 
call themselves Star Children. To say that 
all those who claim to have been 
abducted are perpetrating hoaxes is an 


Skeptics insist that UFO claims and fic- 
tional representations of such claims in 
the media influence subsequent reports in 
a chicken-and-egg cycle. Naysayers 
attest, for example, that Greys were 
imprinted on the national consciousness 
following an episode of The Outer Limi 


“Our nation has been experiencing a 
panic about sexual abuse at the same time 
as we have been pulled in the direction of 


seeing ourselves as victims,” says Pamela 
Freyd, executive director of the False 
Memory Syndrome Foundation. “The 
sex-in- space fantasy fits our cultural 
expectation: 

The space-abduction phenomenon may 
fit some needs of our mass unconscious, 
but intercourse with space aliens defies 
everything that is known about animal 
physiology. 


(continued on page 106) 


“Oh, shut up! First, you complain that I never take you anywhere, and then you complain that the ground is too hard!” 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY MATTI KLATT 


His exhibitionist girlfriend Kitty has 
turned their three-day road trip into a 
mobile sex show, Dirk makes an 
urgently needed pit stop 

You dick-crazed gutter cat,” Dirk 
seethes, priming his cock with spit 
“That greasy bastard in the Pacer 
caused a three-car pileup watching 
your titty display.” 

“I only flirted with him,” Kitty 
pouts, spreading her legs 

“You only finger-fucked yourself in 
the ass,” Dirk growls, pumping his 
extroverted lover full of cock. 

“I can’t help being what I am,” 
Kitty whines. 

“I should make you hitchhike, but 
I'ma sucker for a hot slit.” Dirk shoots 
his creamy wad onto Kitty’s mams. 
“Especially when it belongs to a cold- 
hearted whore 


4 ‘S : = ext 
A) - Sn ae es - 


Pa a | Y 


UFO Fucks 


(continued from page 96) 
“If | were an alien hell-bent on abducting an earthling to have sex with 


and use their genes, then supermodels would be my pick. I'd avoid trailer parks like the plague.” 


“Biologically, mating with aliens would 
be impossible,” says Shaun Cronin of 
Skeptical Skoundrels, an Australian UFO 
group. “They would have had a different 
evolutionary history and would have 
evolved quite dissimilar sexual organs 
and practices. 

“If I were an alien hell-bent on abduct- 
ing an earthling to have sex with and use 
their genes, then supermodels would be 
my pick,” adds Cronin, “I'd avoid trailer 
parks like the plague.” 

“Why would advanced beings travel 
500 million light-years across space just 
to shove a tube up my butt?” says Andy 
Russell, director of the Ape Canyon News 
Service and a prominent skeptic. “Given 
the number of sightings, our planet has 
been subjected to minute scrutiny for 
decades, but the aliens only know as 
much about humans as the average proc- 
tologist.” 

Indefatigable in the face of a chorus of 
criticisms, spoofs and jokes, an astonish- 
ing number of believers recount their sto- 
ries with unblinking assurance. 

In 1992, the Mutual UFO Network, one 
of the largest organizations devoted to the 
study of UFOs, conducted a comprehen- 
sive research project to study the abduc- 
tion phenomenon. 


Aa The Abduction Transcription Project 


106 


found that 40% of abductees reported 
sexually related intrusions. Men com- 
monly reported the placement of an appa- 
ratus over the testicles and penis for the 
removal of semen. Women often reported 
the removal of ova or the insertion of a 
tiny embryo into the womb by means of a 
needle through the navel. 

The aim of alien kidnappers appears to 
be the creation of a hybrid race, according 
to their victims. A variety of self-styled 
UFOlogists offer their theories as to why. 

“Right now, the technology and ability 
exists to abduct anyone and take sperm, 
ova or tissue samples without the person 
even being aware of it,” says Don 
Horvath, a UFO researcher. “These may 
be paraphysical beings that are attempt- 
ing to gain a foothold in our world, To do 
so, they must not only extract physical 
substance from humans, but emotional 
and spiritual substance as well.” 

“It goes back to why they can’t find the 
missing link,” says Heidi Black, a UFO 
researcher and former abductee, from her 
home in Albuquerque, New Mexico. 
“Because [aliens] are trying to create a 
hybrid species, which they’ve been doing 
for thousands of years.” 

Are these people simply kooks? 

* * * 


“Their hands were soft, even soothing, 


April HUSTLER 


but there were so many of them that it felt 
a little as if | were being passed along by 
rows of insects. There were clothes strewn 
about, and two of the stocky ones pulled 
my legs apart. 

“The next thing I knew, I was being 
shown an enormous and extremely ugly 
object, gray and scaly, with a sort of net- 
work of wires on the end. It was at least a 
foot long, narrow, and triangular in 
structure, They inserted this thing into my 
rectum. It seemed to swarm into me as if 
it had a life of its own, Apparently its pur- 
pose was to take samples, possibly of 
fecal matter, but at the time I had the 
impression that I was being raped, and 
for the first time, I felt anger.” 

— Whitley Strieber 
Communion 


° . * 

The study of UFOs has been the object 
of ridicule by the mainstream scientific 
community, but not long ago, the U.S. 
government, the CIA and the U.S. Air 
Force deemed the issue serious enough to 
warrant investigations. Project Grudge, 
the Air Force's UFO-investigation unit, 
eventually concluded that abductees were 
suffering hallucinations coupled with a 
will to believe, 

Mainstream psychoanalysts have taken 
on clients complaining of alien abductions, 
often finding that repressed memories of 
incest and child abuse are transferred 
onto fantasies of alien kidnapping and 
sexual assaults. 

In other cases, a deep-seated xenopho- 
bia is coupled with the fetishization of 
strangers. 

“Sex with strangers, particularly dan- 
gerous strangers, is a big thing in fan- 
tasies, particularly for women,” says 
Fiona Jerome, editor of the British maga- 
zine Bizarre. 

“What frightens us can be transformed 
into a tingly thrill—from barbarian 
hoards to white-slave traders whisking 
respectable Victorian girls off to an 
unspeakable fate,” says Jerome. “I don’t 
see much difference between that and 
people fixated on being molested by 
aliens.” 

“During dream states, the person 
becomes more sensitive to their internal 
physiology,” says Michael Persinger, a 
neuroscientist and researcher in Ontario, 
Canada. “In women, this can manifest as 
a sensation in their deep, deep vagina. 
With men, this can manifest as a sensi- 
tivity deep within their anal regions.” 

Persinger suggests that dream sensa- 
tions may be misinterpreted as actual sex- 
ual contact, 

(continued on page 114) 


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Hard-boiled scientific inquiry has typi- 
cally focused on the search for physical 
evidence, such as an artifact of nonhuman 
manufacture or a material of extraterres- 
trial origin. 

Richard Price of Cohoes, New York, 
insists that he has such evidence. “My 
abduction didn’t have anything to do with 
sex, except where they put the implant,” 
says Price, who claims that he was 
abducted in 1955 at age eight and that 
extraterrestrials put an implant in his 
penis. Price had the long, thin body 
removed and writes and lectures about his 
experience and the alien artifact. 

Dr. David Pritchard, a physicist at MIT, 
analyzed Price’s implant and concluded 
that a cotton thread from Price’s under- 
wear became lodged in his urethra and 
was gradually surrounded by a growth of 
collagen, 

* * * 

Sheila Flesch of Weare, New 
Hampshire, awoke one night in 1987 in 
the throes of sexual passion. She was 
sweating, and her nightshirt was torn 
open, revealing her breasts. “I remem- 
bered I felt a weight on top of me and 
something moving inside of me. I thought 
it might be my husband, but there was 
nothing. It seemed too real to have been a 
\_ dream. s] 


UFO Fucks She reached between her legs and fel 


stuck in her pubic hair and glued to her inner thighs by a gelatinous substance. 


Even Sheila’s pussy was sore. She 
reached between her legs and felt scales, 
like those of a giant snake, stuck in her 
pubic hair and glued to her inner thighs 
by a gelatinous substance. 

Three months later, Sheila was taken 
from the same bed by an unseen force. 
She found herself onboard an alien 
spacecraft. “They ran a scanner over 
my body, and data appeared on a 
screen. I was in a round chamber with 
metal pipes running in deep grooves. I 
was strapped to a square, metal table, 
and an alien stood at each foot, looking 
into my vagina, which was held open by 
a sort of speculum. A taller alien, with 
high, peaked eyes and a narrow neck, 
slid a thin, metal pole inside me, I 
looked into its eyes: They were slits, like 
a lizard’s eyes. I could feel a deep 
pounding, like a hammer on my cervix. 
That was how they took the baby away 
from me.” 

* * * 

Within the field of UFO abductions, 
best-selling writer Budd Hopkins is fre- 
quently cited as a guiding force. The 1981 
release of his book Missing Time popular- 
ized the notion of a sex-crazed extrater- 
restrial who paralyzed its victims and 
sexually violated them. Traveling, lectur- 
ing, investigating, meeting potential 


“Look, we've had fun, but it’s just not working out. I'd like to start seeing other breeds.” 


114 


April HUSTLER 


(continued from page 106) 
it scales, like those of a giant snake, 


abductees, Hopkins attracted a following. 

David Jacobs is a history professor at 
Temple University, where he teaches the 
only accredited course on UFOs in the 
country. In his recent book, The Secret 
Agenda: What Aliens Really Want and 
How They Plan to Get It, Jacobs develops 
his theory that cosmic space brothers are 
not only raping humans as individuals, they 
are raping the entire planet, with the ulti- 
mate goal of creation of a hybrid species 
and the enslavement of the human race. 

The leader of the UFO-abduction- 
research pack is Dr. John Mack, a 
Harvard Medical School psychiatry pro- 
fessor and Pulitzer Prize winner, who 
states that aliens have “invaded our phys- 
ical reality” and are “affecting the lives of 
hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of 
people.” 

Mack believes that his patients are 
being abducted and sexually abused by 
aliens. “In case after case, I’ve been 
impressed with the consistency of the 
story, the sincerity with which people tell 
their stories, the power of feelings con- 
nected with this, the self-doubt—all the 
appropriate responses that these people 
have to their experiences,” he s: 

“The difficulty for our society and for 
our mentality is we have a kind of 
either/or mentality,” he says. Mack sug- 
gests that traditional notions of reality 
may be obsolete. 

In 1995, Harvard University set up a 
faculty committee to investigate Mack’s 
research methods, His many critics 
claim that he has abandoned scientific 
objectivity and misused the techniques 
of hypnosis to induce false memories of 
contact with interstellar beings. Harvard 
closed its investigation after a year with- 
out issuing a censure, but urged Mack, 
formerly on the board of advisors for 
Werner Erhard’s est, to use scholarly 
rigor in his research. 

John Mack has used his stature to lend 
credibility to his astounding claims, but 
the derision he draws from critics may 
have more to do with the tidy income he 
makes from his best-selling UFO books. 
Mack even employs a publicist, PR With 
a Purpose Inc., to peddle his wares. 

“Horny aliens coming to Earth abduct- 
ing people is amusing and, for obvious 
reasons, ludicrous, but it is also mar- 
ketable,” says Shaun Cronin. “Sex and 
money do go well together. Throw in a 
few aliens, and you have a unique story 
that will hold people’s attention for 15 
minutes.” 

The alien-abduction phenomenon is a 
cash cow. A regular procession of self- 

(continued on page 162) 


YS. 


“Now here's Vic with a look at the city’s nightlife...” 


uby of San Antonio, : 
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—MODEL RELEASE / ENTRY FORM 

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‘The Deuce 


(continued from page 80) 


that I not quote her directly. Throughout 
our talk, she is rude and abrasive, lashing 
out at me for no reason. Apparently, 
retired scum moppers don’t even reach the 
lowest rung of the corporate ladder. 
“Isn’t it true that the BID discourages 
landlords to rent to sex shops?” I ask. 
Krisch screeches that the TSBID repre- 
sents businesses and doesn’t advise them. 
“You don’t have to shout,” I say. “Do 
you think it’s right that adult businesses 
should be pushed to the brink of extinc- 
tion in the name of development?” 
Krisch spits back that TSBID has noth- 
ing to do with the like or dislike of 
pornography and doesn’t have a problem 
with the existence of porn shops, but 
doesn’t want a concentration of them. 
With that, Krisch slams the receiver 
down hard, possibly puncturing a portion 
of my eardrum and leaving me with little 
consolation. 
+ 
The Deuce is no more. In the '70s, 8th 
Avenue was called the Minnesota Strip, 
after the teenage runaways who had fled 
Midwestern towns and wound up there. 
In the '60s and before, 8th Avenue was 
the Stroll, Now I call it the Boulevard of 
Broken "Hos. 
Peep freaks flocked to our putrid plat- 
.. forms of promiscuity. There was nothing 


. * 


— —_——_—_—~_—~ 


more exciting than ogling the love teams, 
usually two junkies fucking their way to 
42nd Street stardom and an early death. 
Some girls had track marks; some had 
pregnant tummies; some had dicks. One 
dude had cerebral palsy; he had only one 
functioning body part, but that was all he 
needed to perform in shows. His girl- 
friend had to carry him onstage. We were 
the fuckin’ Addams Family, but we were 
family. 

What corporate assholes like the 
TSBID’s Christine Krisch don’t under- 
stand is that the seediness of the Deuce 
was inextricably linked to our survival. 
We're all freaks of a sort, and peep shows 
could make us feel less alone in the 
world, even if company meant transsexu- 
als, midgets, bimbos and meat beaters. | 
was one of them; I spent the years mop- 
ping up other people's dreams; | still am 
one of them. 

It dawns on me as I stand across from 
the gleaming spires of the New 
Amsterdam theater. A tour bus of retirees 
stands on line to buy tickets to G-rated 
cartoons. | myself am on the endangered- 
species list. A former mop man, a liv 
performer, there is no place for me 
new New York. Mickey has Disneyfied 
my natural habitat, leaving not a trace of 
sh in sight. 


HUSTLER 


April 


i UFO Fucks 


(continued from page 114) 


anointed “researchers” writes “nonfiction- 
al” accounts of intergalactic rendezvous, 
and every few years, an author captures the 
public imagination and pulls down scads 
of cash, as Whitley Strieber, Budd Hopkins 
and David Jacobs did with their books on 
the subject, and as John Mack did in 1994 
with Abduction. 

“I was amazed by the number of editors 
in the New York publishing community 
who are believers, and I predict that with- 
in the next few years, UFO and abduction 
books will routinely top the best-seller 
lists,” says Pamela Stonebrooke, whose 
tell-all book about her fling with reptilian 
aliens landed the little-known jazz singer 
a reported $100,000 advance, possibly 
because high sales among UFO believers 
are practically guaranteed. “The flood- 
gates are about to open,” she says. 

Skeptics have jumped on the band- 
wagon, selling their own books and col- 
lecting lecture fees for their contrarian 
Statements. 

There may be 1,000 ways to make a 
buck off the abduction craze, but simple 
greed fails to adequately account for this 
incredibly widespread phenomenon. 

“The alleged probes into our sexual 
organs don’t seem due to any alien interest 
in our sexual practices or needs; they seem 
interested in us as potential incubators for 
hybrid production,” says Marcello Truzzi, 
a prominent researcher of paranormal 
claims and a founding member of the 
Journal of Scientific Exploration. Truzzi 
presumes abductions are fantasies, but 
holds that the phenomenon is a modern 
version of mystical experiences that 
humans have encountered for millenn 
y are more like a modern version of 
ancient incubi and succubi.” 

Incubi and succubi were male and 
female spirits that sexually violated 
Europeans in their beds during the 
Middle Ages. Experiences with Chinese 
fox spirits, vampires, even some Eskimo 
spirits, all follow the pattern of a person 
waking up, unable to move and sensing a 
presence 

Throughout history, humans have been 
prone to experience vivid, realistic hallu- 
cinations, which they explain and under- 
stand by using details from the prevailing 
cultural idioms. 

“I think it’s inspirational that humans 
and aliens can have sex,” says Martha 
Bische, an abductee from Graham, 
Oregon. “Is this really a symptom of 
paranoid, crumbling society, or does it 
mean that there can be shared pleasure. 
even in spite of different genetic codes? 
The universe would be too lonely without 
aliens to keep us company.” @ 


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next month in 


HUSTLER 


MAY FLOWERS 

Pretty pussy petals unfold in May’s HUSTLER with delec 
table Venus, goddess of nymphomania. Witness Venus fritter 
away her time on Masturbation Island. Throbbing maypole 
madness surges ever upward with Angelique, a no-holes 
barred hypno-stripper who takes on fists of dildo fury in a 
magic act that redefines the genre. Sneak a peek at pool-hall 
hussies Crystal and Julia—two slippery sluts who sink balls 
into wet, pink pussy pockets. Witness raven-haired Elizabeth 
put out for her boyfriend, Drew—two outdoor-sex freaks 
soaking wet with golden pee in the back of a grimy pickup 
truck. For you secret romantics, HUSTLER exposes a sweet 
little missy as she rears up on granny’s quilt. Papa Rod will 
be thy name in May 


WORLDWIDE PORN 

Does the staid porn establishment have anything to say to 
the maverick perverts of today? Get the skinny straight from 
the whores’ mouths as HUSTLER covers the World 
Pornography Conference. Listen to Sharon Mitchell, 
Candida Royalle and Porsche wax nostalgic about the good 
ol’ days of porn. Marvel as Annie Sprinkle witnesses to the 
lustful throngs while her mom smiles proudly from the front 
row. Glean comforting, good energy as porn biddies create 
a circle of healing that empowers their carnal cunts of yore 
Laugh at the funny antics of self-professed porn historians 
The World Pornography Conference is all about the exami- 
nation of professional pussy. Revel in it 


LEARN TO DANCE, STUPID 

Dancing is a mating ritual older than your mom and is still 
the best way to get the hotties on your jock. Even though 
moving about spastically doesn’t come natural for most 
dudes, the smart man learns to dance because he knows 
where all the women are: on the dance floor. Dancing is 
the only public social activity that allows a man to estab- 
lish intimate physical contact within seconds of meeting a 
woman, and May’s HUSTLER details the step-by-step 
procedure for shaking your ass and getting some. 


SPROUTS 

Should your appetite be whetted by this month’s extra-spe- 
cial tranny spread, check out May's Erotic Entertainment 
for transsexual-video reviews galore. Learn how to repair a 
used-up asshole in Bits & Pieces. Beaver Hunt warms up 
some homemade sticky buns to sweeten the mix and glaze 
your lips. May’s HUSTLER will make your pecker sprout 
sticky, white clouds of spring, 


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