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HUSTLER
APRIL 1999 VOLUME 25 NUMBER 11
Bits & Pieces
What Would Jesus Do?
Edited by Matt Wayne
HUSTLER HOLLYWOOD
A Store Is Born
Feedback
Kisses, Hugs and Bitch Slaps
From HUSTLER Readers
Debbie: Second to None
Beaver Hunt Finalist #2
Photography by Matti Klatt
Life Taker
HUSTLER Ad Parody
Dear Slut
XXX Star Jeanna Fine Tells the Fucking Truth
Gia: Portrait of a Lonely Lady
Photography by Clive McLean
Hot Letters
Stiff Reading for Happy Hands
Erotic Entertainment
Spantaneeus Gang-Bang Breaks Record
Edited by Tim Kenneally
Sex Play
Tools of the Trade
Wood Secrets of Porn’s Top Swordsmen
Report by Mare Star
Antonia and Desiree:
Sisters in Sin
Photography by Matti Klatt
Exile on 42nd Street
The Twilight of Sleaze on the Deuce
Report by Guy Gonzalez
Lani: Sex and the Maiden
Photography by James Baes
Jagg: Born-Again Pagan
Centerfold Photography by Clive McLean
HUSTLER Humor
Edited by J. M. Heaney
Red-Hot XXX UFO Sex
Sleazebags From Outer Space
Are Stealing Our Women!
Report by Peter Huston
Dirk and Kitty: Choad Warrior
Photography by Matti Klatt
Beaver Hunt
Sluts of America Unite
Tyra: Baptism by Filth
Photography by Joanie Allum
HUSTLER Online
http://www. hustler.com
HUSTLER
LARRY FLYNT
editor and publisher
JIM KOHLS
President
THOMAS CANDY
executive vice-president
DONNA HAHNER
corporate vice-president
Liz FLYNT
vice-president, administration
ALLAN MacDONELL ecutive editor
W. T. NELSON art director
TIM KENNEALLY entertainment editor
DWAINE TINSLEY cartoon editor
MATT WAYNE EY Ces editor
DAVID BUCHBINDER features editor
J. M, HEANEY
DICK PURSEL associate editors
NANCY JACK research director
USEN GANDARA __asoistant art director
PHILIP SANGUINET copy chiet
M.R. SMITH
EMILY WRIGHT
COMPUTER GRAPHICS
ANDREA LANDRUM, network systems director
BRANDON S. PHILLIPS
network systems administrator
MARIE B. QUIROS, LISA W. JONES,
network systems operators
PHOTOGRAPHY
LAURA CODON, talent coordinator
KARYN PINSKY, talent/photo assistant
JAMES BAES, MATT! KLATT.
CUIVE McLEAN, LADI VON JANSKY,
Photographers
MARLENE TURRIETTA, studio administrator
KENNETH DeMARTINES, prc designer
JAMES SMITH, studio coordinator
JACQUES CORCUERA, construction coordinator
PRODUCTION
KRISTINA ETCHISON, production manager
ANA HILDEBRAND, TARA HOBBS,
production assistant
CHARLENE LOVE, record keeper/fim archivist
ADVERTISING
ALLEN MAINE, national advertising direct
323) 951-7907
GINA J. LEE, advertising production director
MASUD KHAN, advertising producti
SUBSCRIPTIONS
R. J. SWIRCZ, subscriptions director
subserip
uctk
PERRY GRAYSON, vice-president, ad
TONY TANG, vice-president, flynt digital
DAVID WOLINSKY vice-president, finance
HUSTLER (/SSN-0149-4635), Vol, 25, No. 11, April 1999, The U.S. edition of
WUSTLER is published monthiy with 0 8 month in
August by LPP, Ine. st 6484 Wi 900, Beverly
ais, CA 90211. Copyright © 1998 LEP, Ine. All rights reserved. Nothing
may be reproduced in whole or m part without wrmten permission of the
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ecompany all manuscripts, photos,
ratumed. and no responsibilty can be
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Gepict models’ actual conduct, statements or personales
‘SUBSCRIPTION INFORMATION: For subscription customer service, cal (81S)
TMI A one-year subscription is $38.5 For foreign subscriptions, add $10
US funds Back tse
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feration rate and shoud not be conted wit special subscripton ofers
sometines néverited Change of adéress Allow sa weets’ advance notice
and end both your old and new aGéresien ATTN. POSTMASTER. Sand
change of adéres to: MUSTUER PO. Box 474 Mi. Moris, IL 61054-0474
Agpirc ator to yrrodic ais postage rate pending at Beverty Hills, CA and
onal mang ofices. MUSTLEA Ws regatered in the US. Patent and
Trademan Office by LEP. Inc lnformaton conceming models who appear
ig ths publication is located at BAB Wilshire Boulevard, Beverly His
Catttorma 90211, under the supervision of Charlene Love. Printed in the USA.
‘All nude models ave 18 years of age ot
Cover photo by Matti
Visit HUSTLER on the Web at http://www.hust
com
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2)
ASSHOLE OF THE MONTH
The price of free speech is that intel
ligent Americans must endure the
bombast of fatheads and blowhards.
We at HUSTLER are patriotic citi.
zens. We agree to put up with the
gassy raving of petty moralists. But
one false-fronted hypocrite strains
an open-minded public's tolera
beyond what the framers of the First
Amendment intended. That gross
offender is sanctimonious lardass
William Bennett, HUSTLER’s Asshole
of the Month for April 1999.
It's hard to explain who William
Bennett is. In his 55 years on the
planet, he has never actually done
anything. Bennett's primary activity
is collecting royalties from The Book
of Virtues, a preachy tome of ancient
fables of which William Bennett is
not even the author
Bennett gained prominence as a
do-nothing during his tenure as sec
retary of education for President
Ronald Reagan. Bennett contributed
to the drastic slide of our education
system by striking a combative pose
against teachers and telling college
students, whom he referred to as
“beach bums,” that they did not
need government aid.
Fresh on the heels of his failure in
the academic sector, Bennett was
appointed in 1989 by President
George Bush to be America's first
drug czar. Bennett, a man given to
moralistic braggadocio, proclaimed
“Lam committed to reclaiming our
streets and our children from the grip
of drug abuse.” Bennett's assertion
that beheading dope dealers is “a
morally proportionate response”
sums up his philosophy for curing
addiction. Eighteen months into the
battle, tough-talking Bennett surren
dered his drug job and proclaimed:
“The reality is clear. This country is
beginning to break its interest and
habit on drugs.”
That lie and ten bucks buys a vial
of crack in any U.S. town from a
dealer who was never taught to read.
Bennett maintained his perfect
streak of ineffectuality as chairman
of the Republican Party. In 1990,
Bennett took this $300,000-a-year
post. Once the work started, Bill fal-
tered, quitting within months.
Since then, Bennett has held no
productive office. He rakes in $40,000
@ pop for his moralizing lectures and
publishes fat, dull books of virtue.
Much of Bennett's real work is done
by writer Peter Wehner. Wehner
rarely receives credit. Bennett pockets
the hog's share of the profits.
Bennett desperately promotes
himself as hall monitor of the national
soul. He warns that “nothing less is
at stake than civilization” from the
poisons of Bart Simpson, rap music
and sleazy talk shows. Bennett's
Empower America has marshalled
attacks against these evils and also
against advertising that promotes
“self-aggrandizement.” True to form,
Bennett's war against crap media
has failed to dent any of its targets.
Bennett's latest publication is The
Death of Outrage: Bill Clinton and
the Assault on American Ideals. This
book laments a lack of moralistic
hysteria from “the American people.”
Since we the citizenry have not
marched up Pennsylvania Avenue to
lynch Bill Clinton, we have fallen
short of Bennett's standards.
William Bennett should ask him
self, Why am | a total failure as a cru-
sader? The answer: Bennett embodies
the seven deadly sins more than he
personifies any list of virtues.
Avarice: “| didn't take a vow of
poverty,” said Bennett when quitting
the 300-grand-per-year Republican
chair. Would Bill keep a vow of
poverty any more than he kept his
other commitments? After making
$5 million from The Book of Virtues,
poverty is no longer an issue.
Gluttony: Bennett preaches self-dis-
cipline for the rest of us. He is esti-
mated to be 100 pounds overweight.
Sloth: The work record speaks
volumes.
Pride: Bennett arrogantly believes
that his way of thinking is the only
correct way of thinking. Everyone
else is talking “pap” and “stuff that
thymes with pap.”
Lust; William Bennett won't travel
with female aides. If he can’t trust
himself, why should anyone else?
Wrath: “If | were [God], Clinton
would be gone, with my pinkie.”
Envy: Quoth Bennett: “The place for
a man who is complete in all his
parts is in the fight.” While Bennett
sermonizes on the sidelines, Bill
Clinton fights. Only envy explains the
depths of Bennett's malice
A leading Christian once said, “Let
him who is without sin cast the first
stone.” William Bennett, moralist-in-
chief of America, says, “There is a
need to be judgmental.”
And so William Bennett is judged
Asshole
A 32-year-old former
hospital technician from St. Charies,
Missouri, Brian Stewart has a son who
is seven years old. Stewart's child was
diagnosed in 1996 with AIDS. In 1998,
Brian Stewart was convicted of inject-
ing the boy with stolen HIV-infected
blood during a hospital visit in 1992.
The boy was then 11 months old.
Prosecutors charged that Stewart's
motive for infecting his son was to
avoid paying child support. The boy’s
FARTS IN THE Ww > Ganiattia! afta the aan
ind California. After the January 1999
mother testified that Stewart told her,
“You won't need to look me up for
child support. Your child is not going to
live very long.” Stewart can look for-
ward to eternity in hell, in the special
ring for Assholes of his ilk.
Four years ago,
Michael Huffington’s claim to fame
was as the dim-witted moneybags
who spent more than $30 million los-
ing a race to become a senator from
issue of Esquire, Huffington will be
most famous as a dim-witted fag.
Huffington admits to being homosexual,
but shies away from the label gay. He
concedes that he may be a Democrat
now, not the Republican he portrayed.
Huff also admits that he found govern-
ment work boring. Gay? Homo?
Democrat? Republican? The one con-
stant in Huffington’s life is that he is a
dim-witted Asshole.
HUSTLER
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April
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When radio was still new to the heartland, young girls
with visions of stardom o! fell victim to con men offer-
ing free “microphone tests.” This scam became so popular
among cads casting for broads, it gave us a new word—
broadcasting. “Tasting, tasting, one, two, three,” says the
starry-eyed sucker.
Andrew W. of Austin, Texas, gets $150 to blow. Send old dirt to
HUSTLER’s “Porn From the Past,” 8484 Wilshire Boulevard, Suite
900, Beverly Hills, CA 90211. Include a self-addressed, stamped
envelope if you want the material returned.
6 April HUSTLER
What Would j?sils Do?
Great news! Ultra-Christians have found the prescription for young America’s staggering loss of faith!
The cure is called merchandising. Brightly colored wristbands, thin-pewter jewelry and, hopefully, palm studs emblazoned
with the anagram WWJD remind us in everyday situations that our faith in cheap consumer products reigns supreme.
So let’s take some time this Easter season to reflect: In everyday situations, what would Jesus do?
The cops show up
as a hooker
He cuts a toxic fart
as two good-looking chicks
enter the elevator,
What would Jesus do?
K.
dumped bitch shows
up with a kid who
looks just like Him.
‘ Sha the power
to end hunger
ond strife ond to
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open HUSTLER’S HONEY BUNS for a buttload of life-
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The winners:
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You must be 18 years of age or older to order. Your first issue wal arive in 6 10 8 weeks.
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PHOTOS BY LADI VON JANSKY
Celebrities from both porn and main
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Thumbs-up
Congratulations, HUSTLER, on another
fantastic issue, Your pictorials of finger-
fucking Amber (Amber: Little Miss
Gutter Mouth, February 1999) and Gina
(Gina: Enema Nurse, I Love You, Feb-
ruary 1999) were both excellent. Those
pictures of Amber sticking four of her
fingers up her twat made me wish her fin-
gers were mine. The picture of Gina
shoving the two-headed dildo up her ass
was the icing on the cake. You guys
always deliver top-notch pictorials and
insightful articles. February's issue made
me glad I dumped Playboy. One sugges-
tion: Could you please show more shaved
pussies? Shaved pussies really turn me
on, Keep up the good work —S.S.
Seward, Nebraska
HUSTLER agrees—Amber and Gina are a
credit to sluts everywhere. As for your
preference for shaved women, we'll throw
a hairy one in the shaving machine for
you. Keep an eye out for her.
A Taste for Mary
Double congratulations. First, for Mary:
Naked Lunch Break (Holiday Issue,
1998). Now, there's an ass with class. I'd
be proud to take her home to Momma. I
suggest that her pussy be added to the
basic food groups; | wouldn't consider
entering her with my prick until I had
eaten her out for at least two hours before-
hand, Second, congratulations on the
breakthrough in penetration. This sure
opens up new possibilities—now you can
side-by-side fuck tests at various
whorehouses or rate escort services, like a
Consumer Reports for pussy —J.H
Chesterfield, Missouri
show
Thanks for the tips. Maybe we can
arrange to bring Mary to Chesterfield and
have a side-by-side fuck test between
Mary and your momma. Love that home-
cooked pussy.
Demands More
Why is it that two months in a row (the
|
| by dealing only with
Any offer that se
ail-orde
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1998 Holiday Issue and January 1999)
your covergirl did not have a pictorial
inside? Why do you keep fucking us
over like this? The broad on the cover of
the Holiday Issue was a fucking knock-
out. I saw her on the cover, tore open the
urse, | Love You
Gina: Enema |
April HUSTLER
{ When ordering merchandise through any mail-order supplier, minimize your risk of being disappointed
h ot credit-card payment and have a working phone number in their ads
id she wasn’t in there. One pic-
ture is not enough. You guys fucked the
readers over before with the broad on
last year’s 1997 Holiday Issue; you only
showed her on the cover too. Fuck you!
You're pissing me off with this shit. And
why do you keep reusing those old
Jackie O photos? That shit is old. She's
fucking dead. She was a deformed, ugly
freak. Wake up; no one cares. Fuck all
this Bill Clinton shit you're doing. Fuck
all that shit. Your readers don’t fucking
care. Fuck off, and fuck you! —-C.J
Tustin, California
The photo-sets of the covergirls were
published in everybody's HUSTLER
copies except yours. That's right, the
photo-spreads were ripped out of your
copies so that we could elicit an impas-
sioned letter from you.
Fear No More
I am writing in response to D. W.’s letter
in HUSTLER’s Holiday Issue (“Fear of a
Black Penis,” Feedback, 1998). 1 am
incarcerated in the federal-prison sys-
tem and happen to live next door to D. W.
D. W. says that HUSTLER is racist and
all crackers have small dicks, but D. W.
is mixed, with straight hair, light skin
and, at 5-5, a dick smaller than 90% of
the crackers he despises. I know because
I walked into his cell one day and caught
him playing with his pathetically small
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prick. So he’s not mad at the world, just
his white grandpappy who left him and
the God who left him underendowed.
—D.L.
Bradford, Pennsylvania
Let's hope this is the last we'll hear about
D. W. Is it cruel and unusual punishment
when prisoners are forced to watch one
another jack off?
HUSTLER un
You should publish the HUSTLER
Reader to combat adult illiteracy. One
reason adult males don’t learn to read is
that they don’t think there's anything
worth reading. Erotic stories written at a
basic level and progressing gradually to
higher reading levels could be a great lit-
eracy tool. Maybe give them out in pris-
ons or something. Start with the most
basic stuff (See Jane’s pussy. See Spot
fuck Jane's pussy. See Spot’s cum). Gee,
reading és fun. —Blunt
via Internet
Don't be so condescending. HUSTLER'’s
fight against illiteracy begins at home,
and not all our Editors are winning the
baitle.
Whale-Sperm Date
While visiting Vancouver, British Colum-
bia, on business, my secretary and I vis-
ited the city’s aquarium. They had a pair of
white beluga whales in a glassed-in tank.
This day they were putting on quite a
show. The largest whale, obviously the
male, was chasing the female and lunging
against her. I knew from his behavior that
he had something serious in mind. As we
watched, he pulled up alongside the
female, who had rolled to her side, and an
immense, red prick emerged from its body.
It was at least four feet long and tapered
from a six-inch base to a near lancelike
point. A great cloud of white jism was
emitted and floated in the water. A
moment later, propelled by a mighty thrust
of the breeder’s flukes, the great prick dis-
appeared inside the female’s cunt. The
whales lay quietly for a few moments, and
I could imagine that her pussy was being
filled with whale sperm. I looked at my
secretary. She had a look of total enthrall-
ment on her face and had her hand up her
skirt. We made an emergency run to our
hotel room and had a whale of a time. I
can’t recommend the aquarium highly
enough as a primer for a hot, wet date.
—C.M.
Sitka, Alaska
Thanks for sharing. There's nothing like
watching two animals fuck to set the
mood for beastly copulation.
Loves Mixing the Colors
I’m appalled that HUSTLER is the only
magazine I’ve ever seen that shows
interracial pictorials. Why is it so hard
to find such stimulating photographs
with so many magazines on the market
these days? Is interracial fucking still
taboo in the '90s, even though we see
coupling of every color of the rainbow
everywhere we look? —D.B.
Phenix City, Alabama
Provocative coupling results in raised
dicks for some and burst blood vessels
in others. Whether your preferred pussy
is red, white or blue, just be sure not to
fuck any snatch that’s green on the
inside,
Anything for a Million
My wife and I were both watching the
news and learned of Larry Flynt’s mil-
lion-dollar offer for evidence of affairs
with political leaders. Coincidentally, we
were getting ready for a trip to Washing-
ton, D.C., and I told my wife that she was
going to have to blow one of our
Congressmen while we were in D.C. if
April HUSTLER
we were ever going to get ahead in the
world. She told me that if anyone was
going to blow one of our elected officials,
it would have to be me. Needless to say,
I didn’t suck off or butt-fuck any elected
official during our Washington trip, but
that doesn’t mean I’ve given up on the
idea. If I were to rape a Congressman,
would I be able to collect the million dol-
lars? Do you think the government would
tax me on the money I would make
sodomizing a Congressman? I'd be will-
ing to serve any jail time I might receive;
I figure, I'd probably be a hero in prison,
and you might send me a complimentary
subscription to your fine magazine.
These are some of the issues that are
troubling me in my pursuit of fame and
fortune. -—C.C.
via Internet
Go ahead, fuck your Congressman; it's
not like he isn't fucking you. While you're
at it, line them up, and fuck them all.
They've been wasting our tax dollars and
dicking our bloody-red asses worse than
when the redcoats taxed our tea. Fuck
back. Chances are, your Congressman
wont press charges; he'll send you flowers.
Don't forget to take pictures of your
romantic liaisons. Only when HUSTLER
(continued on page 23)
17
PHOTOGRAPHY BY MATTI KLATT
Debbie of Miami, Florida, displays the memorable curves that ignited male
psyches across the nation when she appeared in the April 1999 edition of,
HUSTLER’s Beaver Hunt. The sun-ripened, 23-year-old student nurtures,
many exotic desert-island fantasies and enjoys traveling. Will Debbie's ~ J
wanderlust take her to Beverly Hills, California, earn her wid
$5,000 in cash and a photo layout as Beaver Hunt Grand
Prize Winner?
Participate in the making of a pinup girl. Vote
for your favorite unknown erotic legend.
Are you or is your chick the glamorous type?
Please see page 116 for details
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(continued from page 17)
has proof of your tryst will Larry consider
cutting you a check. Good luck.
Sticky Details
You had me convinced that the couple in
the January 1999 issue of HUSTLER was
actually Bill Clinton and Monica
Lewinsky (Bill and Monica: The Chief
Executive in His Oval Orifice). It was dif-
ficult for me to believe this, but I thought
that maybe Bill and Monica had secretly
placed a camcorder in the oval orifice;
then it hit me—these photos are phony
Monica, unless I was dreaming when |
saw it, recently revealed in an interview
that she always began a sexual encounter
with the President by opening a new issue
of HUSTLER to the most vivid photo-
spread in front of her boss, The omission
of this important detail, more than any-
thing, proved your pictorial to be fake
-D. B.
Provincetown, Massachusetts
German Fetish Queen
I became involved in fetish when, for my
24th birthday, I got a steel, Victorian
corset. I had always been fascinated by
corsetry and then learned it was a fetish
Although I appreciate almost all
fetishes, I personally like corsetry, high
heels, stockings, latex, rope bondage and
discipline. I love to talk to people with
distinct fetishes; it’s so interesting. I love
HUSTLER, and it will be an everlasting
dream of mine to someday have a photo
of me published in Beaver Hunt. I think it
might be fun to share my fantasies with
can
your readers, Is it possible to send a few
pictures or slides to your magazine for a
review? —C.W
Ratingen, Germany
By all means, send us your nasty pictures.
It's healthy to share your sick fantasies
with others instead of harboring shame in
your basement, alone
Porn Kills
It's hard to believe our country still hasn't
gotten the message that pornography
really does hurt people. There have been
pornography conferences that extol the
virtues of smut, while the President of the
United States is allegedly having sex in
the White House. Sadly, America has not
yet realized how far-reaching the devas-
tation of pornography actually is and to
what extent our sense of right and wrong
has been drastically altered. As a minis-
ter, I receive calls every single day from
April HUSTLER
people affected by pornography. Either
it’s someone who has been hurt emotion-
ally or spiritually by the effects of
pornography, or they have a loved one
who needs help. Pornography is hardly a
victimless pastime. Consider the tragic
death of the former Michigan House
Judiciary Committee chairman. On
October 15, 1998, Representative Perry
Bullard’s life was cut short by his
pornography addiction. Bullard died
while engaging in an autoerotic act
involving rope and other paraphernalia
He was found hanging by a rope in his
basement and was apparently engaging in
a masturbatory activity promoted in
pornographic magazines and videotapes.
missing is your cock
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Sadly, the harsh impact of pornography
has been swept under the rug by the
media. Pornography does destroy.
—J.D.
via Internet
Pornography doesn't kill people; rope
kills politicians
Do you have a comment or complaint? We
want to hear it. Send your letters (typed or
neatly handwritten) to HUSTLER Feed-
back, 8484 Wilshire Boulevard, Suite 900,
Beverly Hills, CA 90211, or E-mail to
hustler@lfp.com. Include a phone num-
ber if you want your letter considered for
publication. &
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Every year, dozens of upstanding murderers perish on Death Rows across America. Many of their lives
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Make it look like an automobile accident. This simple step could keep a bad alibi from becom-
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your prey’s “wreck.” And never leave a bloody glove anywhere. Learn more killer
tips in Slash Course, free from Hell Oil. Drop by Hell to pick
up a copy. After all, Hell’s where you'll end up. Count on Hell
JEANNA FINE TELLS THE
FUCKING TRUTH
This month in her regular column, porn
legend Jeanna Fine responds to readers
seeking erotic enlightenment. She invites
you to drop her a line and join her on the
fearless quest for the fucking truth,
PENETRATING
QUESTION
My boyfriend and I were wondering why
the porn industry doesn’t come out with a
video that shows a guy’s dick fucking
inside of the pussy. When I was in sex-
education class, all the kids I talked to
were also wondering why they don’t
show stuff like that. The people who do
these movies could put a microscopic
camera on the head of a penis and let him
go to town until he blows. I'm dying to
see that. —T.B.
Slayton, Minnesota
It has always been my own personal
visual when I'm having sex that there is an
eye inside my cervix, and I get to see the
whole shebang. Recent demand for
smaller and cheaper surgical cameras
has made such trick shots possible in the
porn business. John T. Bone of Cream
Entertainment tells me that he already has
a miniature camera and is eager to shoot
the shot. You won't have to wait long for
your cream dream to come true.
ROBOT DILDO
I've seen videos where there’s a robotic,
thrusting machine that has a dildo at the
end of a metal pole that pushes in and out
of a p or ass. I’ve never seen this
device advertised in any of the catalogs I
ha Is there a kit available so I can
make one? Have you ever fucked one?
—A.S.
Afton, Virginia
I myself have used this very device
twice, You can see me go at it in Where
the Boys Aren't Part 6 (Vivid Video), star-
April HUSTLER
ring Janine, Blonde Itch, Amber Lynn,
Christy Canyon, Sara-Jane Hamilton and
myself. The device is very delicate and
needs to be handled with care. You can't
go crazy with this machine, but if you lie
really still and adjust your body just right,
it does wonders. The contraption is not
widely marketed, however. To my knowl-
edge, the robotic dildo I fucked is a one-
of-a-kind invention. Let's hope they didn't
break the mold.
G-SPOT MAP
Can you recommend any books or videos
on finding the G spot? Every once in a
while, | stumble across my girlfriend’s,
but I want to find it every time without
fail. | really like the flood that spurts out
of her pussy after I’ve made contact with
the magic button. She soaks the shee’
and the flavor of her pussy changes; it’s
much sweeter. —D.L.
via Internet
Multitudes of available books are
devoted to this wondrous letter of the
alphabet. Nina Hartley has an instruc-
tional video called Guide to Better
Cunnilingus, available through Adam &
Eve, which features the G spot, My best
advice when dealing with the matter of
triggering your woman's geyser is not to
let your fingers immediately do the walk-
ing. Once the G spot has been located,
used and abused, the party is pretty much
over. I recommend kissing the lips of your
woman's face as sweetly as the lips
between her legs.
HUSTLER HOARDER
My fiance and I have lived together for one
and a half years, and he loves HUSTLER.
I don’t mind; I love HUSTLER too. The
problem is, he hides them, I ask him not
to hide them and sneak and lie, but he
continues to do this. Our sex life is not
what it used to be—hell, it’s nothing
anymore. | would love for us to share
HUSTLER between us. How can I teach
him to be open and honest and, most of
all, to share? It makes me furious when I
find magazines hidden around the house.
—M. J.
Valdosta, Georgia
It seems to me that a much deeper
problem is going on here, Since your
(continued on page 35)
25
PHOTOGRAPHY BY CLIVE McLEAN
“I don’t know why I can never score a second date,” moans single lady Gia.
I try to do everything right. I wear pretty clothes that show off my figure, and
I cook my suitors delicious, home-style meals. Something always goes wrong
“Lester was crazy about me. He spent all night in the bar nuzzling my tits
and kissing my neck. He practically undressed me in the car. We climbed into
bed, and everything changed. I offered to give him a blowjob, but Lester left
in a rage, telling me I had led him on and calling me all kinds of terrible
names.” The morose bachelorette slurps on a dildo. “I feel so lonely, I could
cry. Why can’t I find a man who will accept me for what I am?”
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fiance is hiding things, and your sex life is
suffering, you need to ask yourself if this
is the person you really want to marry.
He's probably hiding more than you
know. Consider being single and enjoying
HUSTLER alone until you find the right
man who will share it with you.
LIPSTICK LESBIAN
WANTED
I am an attractive, petite blonde who is
very attracted to other beautiful women.
I’ve only been with another woman once,
and it was a pleasurable experience,
something that I can’t wipe from my fan-
tasies. Unfortunately, the beautiful
woman | was with lives too far away, and
I am too shy. What are some signs to look
for when looking for tasty pussy to share
with my man, without humiliating myself
by coming on to a straight woman? | am
only attracted to ladies, not butches, and
bull daggers are all that seem to be
around, Am | looking in the wrong place?
In other words, Jeanna, where would a
very horny yet shy girl like myself find a
hot slut like you? Love, —S.R.
Bourne, Massachusetts
Oh, drat, I’m ten minutes from
Massachusetts at this very moment! I was
born and raised in upstate New York, very
close to Massachusetts, and spent my late
teens and early 20s looking for a woman
just like you. I had to relocate to the West
Coast and fuck women who were being
paid to have sex with me before I found
the women of my dreams. Think back to
how you found your first dream girl—
there were certain signals, little smiles.
There should be a relationship between
you and your new girl first, based on
friendship, trust and respect; the same
qualities that you have, hopefully, with
the man in your life. This is important,
because when everybody tumbles under
the sheets, you certainly need to trust and
respect everybody who's naked under
there with you. Let me know how it goes.
You can contact me through my fan club
address: Another Fine Mess, 306-N West
El Norte Parkway, Suite 454, San Diego,
CA 92026.
BAD-HAIR DAY
I'm a half-Italian, half-Armenian guy;
you can imagine how hairy I am. Girls
hate hairy men; so I bought a bunch of
bikini-wax kits and waxed my entire
body. It really hurt to wax myself.
Afterward, | was swollen; so | wiped
myself with Desitin (that diaper-rash
cream) to soothe the pain, and it works.
\ The problem is that my hair-removal
April HUSTLER
Dear Sl ut She was so very jealous of my deep
boyfriend push her head till she felt a pop. Now she’s suffering from a tear in the tissue in the back of her throat.
routine takes about an hour and a half
each day and costs a lot of money. I
don’t know if you have this problem, but
I'm sure that a lot of guys in porn do. Is
there a faster, cheaper way to achieve
that smooth body that women demand
from me? —N.A.
St. Louis, Missouri
Being one-quarter American Indian, I
have virtually a hairless body; so 1 could
go weeks without shaving my legs and
have nothing more than baby fuzz. While
there may be some men in the business
with problem hirsuteness, it is not readily
apparent. I can tell you, while there are
women who, as you say, hate hairy bod-
ies, there are plenty of women out there
who love them. One option is to keep
looking until you find the woman who's in
love with the whole package. I don't know
about Missouri, but in California, there
are entire sections of ads in the Yellow
Pages dedicated to hair removal for both
sexes. Options include electrolysis and
laser surgery. This might cost more in the
beginning, but will certainly be cheaper
for you in the long run.
NARROW NECK
I saw an ad in HUSTLER for deep-throat
gel. I've never seen this before and won-
“Life is a short, meaningless journ
Get all the pus:
(continued from page 25)
-throating capabilities that she had her
der if you could tell me more, Does it
really help? —G.F.
Santa Monica, California
Before you use any type of numbing
lotion, you need to be aware of what
you're doing in order to know whether
or not you're doing it properly. Let me
tell you a short horror story that a
friend of mine is going through right
now. She was so very jealous of my
deep-throating capabilities that she had
her boyfriend push her head till she felt
a pop. Now she’s suffering from a tear in
the tissue in the back of her throat that
will take six months to heal. Take note:
Deep-throat must be handled with
absolute delicacy. The best lubrication
and the best spit is in the back of the
throat. The best way to give deep-throat
a whirl is to have him lie down with you
straddling his face in a 69 position, This
way, you're in control.
Se cng
Do you have a question for Jeanna? Write
to Dear Slut, clo HUSTLER, 8484 Wilshire
Boulevard, Suite 900, Beverly Hills, CA
90211, or E-mail at slut@lfp.com. e
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BLOODY FOOL
I'm living the greatest male fantasy in
history: a threeway relationship with two
hot chicks at the same time. Ramona and
I started dating in December; the short,
built, dyed redhead moved into my apart-
ment on New Year’s Day. Then, on
Valentine’s Day, we went out for drinks
with her lonely, depressed, tiny-tittied
best friend, Jilly. Despite a tragic lack of
boobies, Jilly is an unbelievably choice
slice of ass, with short-cropped, blond
hair and an immaculate backside. I
decided to show some mercy, ply the
girls with drink and fuck them stacked on
top of each other. Aside from the bladder
infection that Ramona suffered when I
entered her snatch directly after with-
drawing from Jilly’s asshole, the two
were happy enough with our arrangement
to make it permanent
As most HUSTLER readers can prob-
ably guess, | was pig-in-twice-as-much-
shit happy—at first. How could I have
guessed my rug-munching bedmates’
menstrual cycles would link up so
quickly? Now, instead of dealing with
one blood-spewing psycho bitch per
month, I have two on my red-stained
hands, To make matters worse, Jilly
becomes insanely horny during her period,
whereas Ramona will bite my dick off if
the beleaguered willy comes anywhere
near her. So Ramona is constantly feel-
ing jealous, and Jilly is constantly feel-
ing deprived. The sounds of pissing and
moaning fill my ears in stereo. What a
nightmare! Just writing about their bull-
shit makes my testicles recede.
I decided to teach both cunts a lesson
on April Fools’ Day. Instead of walking
through the door with an erection already
at hand, I trudged in bearing an expres-
sion of absolute despair.
‘Girls,” I announced, stepping over a
pile of their cast-off underthings, some
bearing visible globs of hemoglobin. No
one answered. I continued my depressed
march toward the bedroom, yelling,
“Girls, come out! There’s something seri-
ous we need to discuss.”
Well, those dykes came out, all right.
They were behind the bedroom door in a
very compromising position: Ramona’s
fist was buried in Jilly’s cooze. My limp
schween jumped to life; I still grow wood
when I watch their lesbo antics, especial-
ly the sick and twisted variety. However,
I struggled not to ruin my prank by pitch-
ing a tent in my pants.
April HUSTLER
“Oh, hi, Ken,” mumbled a poon-preoc-
cupied Ramona. “Get your clothes off,
and help me out. I’m trying to teach this
horny slut not to hump my leg like a bitch
in heat.” Normally, that invitation would
incite me to break the sound barrier by
ripping off my pants and running to the
bed. But I had chosen the first of April to
administer a different lesson plan. I stood
so Jilly could see me from her all-fours
vantage point and limply dropped my
Dickies.
“Wish I could join in, fist pigs,” I
sighed, “but Dr. Geeson claims my fuck-
ing days are over.” With that dramatic
declaration, I grabbed the wet noodle
between my legs and shook the allegedly
dead appendage. An Olympian effort was
required to prevent stiffening of the john-
son. Obediently, my flaccid member lay
there like a lox.
(continued on page 47)
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THREE-QUARTERS
ERECT
Directed by uncredited;
starring Claudia, Barbara, Jessika, Sylvia
Saint, Petra, Melanie, Anita, Diana, Gabriella,
Mike Foster, Frank Gunn and Joe Lemon.
Videocassette: Metro.
Like a Fodor’s guide for jerkoff, Euro
Babes highlights the carnal attractions
of the Old World, maximizing the view
er’s masturbatory vacation. Continental
woodsman Frank Gunn ushers in this
parade of ripe, overseas poon with a pair
of 20-year-old sluts from Estonia
Jessika, a brunette with a porcelain-doll
face, and Barbara, a blonde with innate-
ly lascivious features, make delightfully
complementary cock sockets. Parting
Barbara's firm ass melons, Gunn fires a
loogie into her brown-ringed crapper
and saws two fingers into the blonde’s
sphincters. The pale Estonian expresses
her approval in the international lan
guage of gasps and grunts. Gripping the
bedspread, Jessika emits a barrage of
baby yelps while Gunn cleaves her
puffy labes with blood sausage. Later,
Gunn baptizes copper-haired ingenue
Anita, whose boyfriend assists in her
inaugural cum facial. Her lips a bright
pink blur, the doe-eyed, honey-skinned
gamine draws protein-rich sap from the
testicles that frame her awestruck face
Several other similarly poignant scenes
make Euro Babes a trip worth taking
—Shane Andalou
April HUSTLER
EURO BABES: Claudia greases Gunn's barrel.
EDITED BY TIM KENNEALLY
EURO BABES: Diana sits on spuzz stick.
EURO BABES: Anita bends and blows.
39
After performing in 300 fuck films in four
years, Spantaneeus Xtasty decided to
fetire from the porn biz with a bangq—a
record-breaking gang-bang, fucking 551
Quys in one day to hurtle over Jasmin St
Claire's previous high-jism mark of 301
Like Spantaneeus herself, who resem-
bles Scary Spice with S5FFs, the
marathon fuckfest, filmed for eventual
telease by Heatwave Entertainment, was
a larger-than-life affair.
Xtasty made a grand entrance. Carried
into the room on the shoulders of her
manservants, the mammoth-mammed
sex fiend wore the ceremonial robes of a
Nubian princess, The 100 or so mooks
picked to aid in Xtasty's grab for the
record stripped and lined up, prongers
pointed toward the mocha oasis of
Xtasty’s snatch. At director Jim Powers's
= command, the procession of pricks
began, Untazed by the steady diet of man
= meat being jammed between her legs,
OR
Spantaneeus waxed philosophic. “No
limitations, baby. Enjoy life!”
“At 302, you break Jasmin St. Claire's
record. Anything you wanna say?" asked
emcee Ron Jeremy during a halftime
interview. Still catching her breath after
fucking almost 200 dicks, Spantaneeus
telied on her fans to answer for her. “Fuck
you!” came the deafening response.
On hand as a fluffer, rectal wonder Mila
made a catty play to steal the thunder.
Jabbing herself with an electric-blue
dildo, Mila sprayed sheets of alleged
ejaculate. Perverted participants lapped
up the golden shower like fine wine. Boys
popped on Xtasty's gargantuan chest
bags. Soon Mila was fucking the guys as
well. Powers reprimanded the renegade
fluffer. “Just suck dick; that's all you gotta
do—God!” Redirecting his attention to
the assembled bangers, Powers bel-
lowed, “Who's hard? You got wood, go
stick it in Span!" The cocksmen bore
down on the jovial bangee with renewed
purpose. The magic number of 551 final-
ly arrived; streams of jizz covered Xtasty’s
brown skin like celebratory confetti
Xtasty may have her eyes set on
fetirement, but the daylong bangathon
had clearly sparked her carnal momen-
{ tum that evening. “I'm not tired; | want
more dick!” Span announced during her
victory speech. The spent men limped
away. Spantaneeus Xtasty may lay no
Claims to limitations, but the human
penis apparently has its limits.
“Now serving number 303”:
Xtasty does dick deli-st
QUARTERS
RECT
Directed by Greg Alves;
starring Deja Blew, Emilia, Wendi Knight,
Inari Vachs, Shelby Myne, Mazzy Paige,
Dee, Mooners, Julian, Lexington Steel,
Justin Long, Marc Davis,
Vince Vouyer and Brandon Iron.
Videocassette: Tooxic Entertainment/Metro.
Deja Blew and Marc Davis open
this long-dicking extravaganza
with an anal bang. Blew contorts
wickedly. Davis spouts a fountain
of jizz that the slender slut greedi-
ly guzzles. This scene works, and
so does Size Matters 3. There’s no
plot or shitty music to distract; just
enthusiastic fucking, real tits and
big dicks. Music punctuates
cheesy, ancient jokes between the
sex scenes. The jokes are lame; the
sex is not. Hot blonde Emilia porks
black, impossibly huge Justin
Long and receives an eye socket
full of man spray. Brandon Iron
demonstrates a great method for
fucking ugly women by dicking
Shelby Myne with her butt in the
air and her face to the floor, Just
when the guys in this video are
starting to look prettier than the
girls, out comes sultry Dee and
Inari Vachs. Inari and Dee join
forces to coax the essence out of
lucky stiff Julian in this ultimate
two-girls-for-every-boy fantasy.
Mazzy Paige and Mooners, volup-
tuously sexy with their real tits and
baby fat, round off Size Matters 3
with a foursome that includes
Vince Vouyer and Julian. Size
Matters 3 is largely successful.
—Dan Panorama
Directed by Jim Powers;
starring Allysin Chaynes, Molina,
Randi Storm, Zoé, Allison Kilgore, Regan
Starr, Lennox, Metrix, Peris Bleu,
Tracy Love, Mia Mikels, Amber Michaels,
Gwen, Alma, Kelly Dean and Raquel.
Videocassette: JM Productions.
If the sight of hot girls tinkling is
money, Liquid Gold is Fort Knox;
there’s plenty of piss in this Big
Gulp. Right out of the chute,
Allysin Chaynes asks, “Wanna
watch me pee?” She hikes up her
skirt and squats over the driveway.
A giggle and smile accompany her
40
yellow stream. Sixteen gorgeous
porn stars heed nature’s call.
Beautiful girls piss in shower
stalls, in the grass, on the sidewalk,
by the pool and occasionally in toi-
lets. Lennox runs urgently to the
sliding glass door of her house—
it’s locked. “Shit, I gotta pee real
bad!” Lennox announces. She runs
to the side of the house and
relieves herself. “That’s the sickest
thing I’ve ever done,” says Regan
Starr after she pees next to a swim-
ming pool at night. Piss-thirsty
jackoffs at home will delightedly
agree. The only problem with this
vid is it’s all squirt and no fucking,
but the theme here is number onc,
not a home run. Pick up Liquid
Gold, and strike it rich —D.P.
Directed by Dino Ninn and Justin Sterling;
starring Juli Ashton, Shayla LaVeaux,
Taren Steele, Nikita, Vicca, Charlie, Dee,
Rayveness, Danielle Rogers, Veronica Hart,
Dizzy, Wilde Oscar, Mickey G.,
Randy Spears and Mr. Marcus.
Videocassette: Wicked.
As an argument for establishing a
mandatory retirement age among,
porn sluts, Screen Play is com-
pelling. As a means of draining
one’s scrotum, this stylized plodder
is less effective. Shayla LaVeaux,
one of several rapidly aging female
cast members, portrays the
neglected wife of Wilde Oscar. In
Screen Play's opening threeway
between the couple and Randy
Spears, one understands Oscar’s
waning interest, LaVeaux's face
scrunches up in rapture, emphasiz-
ing her crow’s feet. Reaching over
to swallow hubby’s lap pole,
LaVeaux further shows off her
tummy rolls. Logging onto fellow
crone Veronica Hart’s sex-advice
Web site, LaVeaux witnesses a
series of fantasy sequences. Most
feature hard-faced harlot Taren
Steele and offer little relief to the
viewer. Playing dominatrix, Steele
drips hot candle wax onto Mickey
G. Sadly, the white wax congeals,
looking like a tidal blast of ball bat-
ter on G.’s flabby, fur-covered
form. Fresh flesh, notably dusky
fuck doll Dee, is introduced mid-
way through—exactly half a video
too late to save Screen Play from
the reject pile. S.A,
April HUSTLER
SIZE MATTERS 3.
ONE-QUARTER
\ ae ~|
Directed by Neville Chambers;
starring Cannibal, Angel Baby,
Peirce Bently, Nicole Landon, Steffani
Angel, Teddi Barrett, Cynder Moon, Root,
Sergio, Rob Buener and Kool Gee.
Videocassette: Pleasure Productions.
Enjoy watching skanky whores
boffing Dumpsters? Then
Streets of New York 12 is your cup
of trash, A cellulite-dimpled fuck
bag named Cannibal drags her tat
in
tooed love boy around the corner
from Washington Square Park
The grope, but much
coitus interruptus on the street
sends them to a rooftop on the cor-
of Bleecker Street and the
Bowery. The clots the
bruised, pimpled New Yorkers
two too
ner
cold air
fuck juices, forming string cheese
as they bump uglies. Things wors-
en toward the end; fiftysomething
Teddi Barrett porks the director on
the roof of a double-decker tourist
bus in Times Square. Right place,
wrong people. Redeeming
moments include a Jewish alterna:
grrrl and her Puerto Rican homey
sucking and fucking on the rocky
banks of the East River in plain
of the Brooklyn
Another couple fornicates on the
view Bridge
stained concrete next to a bank of
Dumpsters; by happy accident, a
passerby tosses trash on the rutting
duo. If a putz can make it there, a
putz can make it anywhere on the
Streets of New York 12. D.P.
Emilia,
a bridge to brotherhood.
“HALF
ERECT
Directed by Lasse Braun:
starring Anita, Cannibal, Liza Harper
Christina Angel, Heaven Leigh, Teri Starr,
Randee Lee, Chandra Lemont, James Bonn,
Herschel Savage, Mike Horner,
Alec Metro and Steve Drake.
Videocassette: Sin City Entertainment
A sweet nurse shares an affec
tionate moment with her lover in
Intrigue. “Oh, come inside of me!”
the nurse begs in pre-ejaculatory
fervor. Her lover is horrified by the
words and sum-
“Beat her like
a redheaded stepchild,” the man
nurse's tender
mons a dominatrix.
orders. After a good spanking, the
lover fucks his naughty nurse up
the shitter. He sprays his manwich
on her tits, kicks her out of the
bedroom and collapses on the bed,
sobbing. Uh-oh, this
drama? What begins as a kinky
what's
role-playing soap opera quickly
degenerates into a plot-heavy mess
about power-hungry bitches intent
on stealing company secrets on
computer disks. Fake accents with
vague origins are heard. Herschel
Savage goes ballistic on his wife
his long stretches of shouting
wither any residual wood. Savage
storms out of the house; his spouse
dicks herself with a strawberry
Jell-O dildo. A blackmail plot fur-
ther muddies the masturbatory
waters. A couple of nasty anal
scenes save Intrigue from being a
complete bore, which is a sad fate
fuck
intriguing beginning.
flick with such an
—D.P.
for a
NEW YORK 12: Cannibal and Bently make Bowery string cheese.
“tA
LA
. :
Ds
INTRIGUE: Lemont delivers an oral presentation.
SCREEN PLAY: LaVeaux.
crisscrosses cock
41
TAIOW EE if
In the porn world, where everyone
assumes false identities, and deception:
fueled fantasy is de rigueur, the concept
of a costume party is perhaps redundant
Few who were gathered in the Sierra
Ballroom of Los Angeles’s Hilton
Universal City and Towers on the night
of October 30, 1998, concerned them:
selves with such minor details, The
attendees and organizers of the Adult
Video News-sponsored Halloween ball
had bigger issues to worry about.
The common mooks who'd ponied up
50 clams to attend worried about whether
they'd see enough porn sluts to justity
their outlay. For the ball’s planners, the
question was, "What happened?”
While the requisite amount of cos-
tumed fuck dolls strolled the ballroom,
logistical problems plagued the event
Erotica LA, the balls new planners
(weary of organizing the event, AVN
opted for mere sponsorship), aban-
doned last year's location, Hollywood's
Palace Theater, for the roomier Sierra
Ballroom. Ironically, the ball moved to a
2 larger location to accommodate fewer
than half the number of last year's atten-
dees. (Only 400 to 500 tickets were
bought this year, contrasting with 1997's
estimated 1,500.)
Among the first to arrive were a group
of men decked out as members of Los
Angeles's finest. The uniforms were,
unfortunately, real; reportedly, there was
concern that the blue-screen jamboree
would clash with the more restrained
tones that traditionally color the
Universal. Convinced that a “no nudity
no problems” policy would be enforced,
the cops busied themselves with seeking
porn girls’ autographs.
The entertainment seemed to run in
direct proportion to the measly atten-
dance. A lone deejay valiantly filled the
bill, occasionally relieved by promotior
al-giveaway sprees and a typically chaotic
costume contest.
Which leaves one to wonder if that
faint sound echoing through the cav-
ernous, half-empty ballroom was the
Halloween ball's impending death knel
“| probably won't even sponsor it again,”
offers Darren Roberts, associate pub
lisher of AVN. “| was pretty disappointed
this year.” He wasn't the only one.
Tweak a teat: Costumed cunts ring Brittany Andrews'’s bell.
Directed by Dale Jordan;
starring Alyssa Allure, Mary Jane, Jill Kelly,
Charlese L'Amour, Erice Price, Kary Evers,
Roxanne Hall, Alex Sanders, Marc Davis,
John Decker and Tice Bune.
Videocassette: Elegant Angel
Like a cramp-prone sprinter, Wet
Spots 4 starts out strong, but limps
across the finish line, Charlese
L'Amour, the video's flagship flesh
minor aesthetic flaws:
thighs, and her bananalike milk
bags tend toward floppiness
Piddling irregularities _ aside,
L'Amour also possesses long
dancer’s legs, a Monroe-like nest of
tousled, blond curls and the sexual
response of a rutting warthog.
Tarzan-maned, —snaggletoothed,
elder woodsman Alex Sanders
applies his patented two-finger
power jam to L’Amour’s dick pits
Drilling deep with hammering
schwang, Sanders forces her off the
bed with the momentum of piston-
ing hips. L’Amour’s chest and neck
flush crimson with cock lust. Sadly,
things quickly deteriorate. Ve
video vixen Jill Kelly sleep-fucks
through her scene. Roxanne Hall's
she-wolf routine aims to excite, but
cows frightened dicks into flaccid
terror; the viewer expects Hall's
face to emerge from her partner's
lap with his bloody member
clenched in her teeth. Initially
promising, Wet Spots 4 slips in its
own sloppiness. SA.
Directe rad Armstrong;
starring Missy, Stephanie Swift, Sydnee Steele,
Liza Harper, Charlie, Syren, Petra, Herschel Savage
Tice Bune, Brad Armstrong, Mickey G.
Steve Hatcher and lan Daniels.
Videocassette: Wicked Pictures.
Stephanie Swift sets the pace of
this porn Western as she rears up
for a couple of raunch hands in
Heartache. Unfortunately, her
father, played by Herschel Savage,
puts out the afterglow and fires his
daughter's fuck buddies. We meet
Missy, Savage's new wife, whom
Swift's character despises, and a
plot rears its ugly head. Savage
hires a new ranch hand named
42
Miguel, who falls in love with
Missy. Meeting up in a field while
horseback riding, they prepare to
pounce on each other. “This could
be complicated,” Miguel says to
his boss’s wife. “Life always is,”
she replies. They fuck the shit out
of each other in an abandoned
cabin surrounded by candles.
Savage catches the two lust birds,
of course, and pummels Miguel
before dumping him in the desert
He locks his wife away in a brothel,
where she’s tied up and forced to
watch her husband fuck a whore.
The whore bucks her hips like a
wild mare and provides the flick's
only anal scene. A lesbian scene
and an after-dinner orgy will keep
waiting six-shooters cocked and
ready, but a melodrama like this is
Give
—D.P.
better suited for couples.
Heartache to your parents.
ONE-QUARTER
Directed by Bud Lee,
starring Tina Tyler, T. J. Hart
Alexandra Silk, Danielle Rogers,
Elle De Vine, Mandi Frost, Taylor Moore,
Jennifer Worthington, Randy Spears,
Tony Tedeschi, Steve Hatcher and Alec Metro.
Videocassette: Adam & Eve.
In Reflections, Tina Tyler portrays
a psychologist who puts her
patients in touch with their desires.
Sadly, no such concern is paid to
the viewer's desires; close analysis
shows this video to be a poor mas
turbatory enhancer. The cavalcade
of errors begins immediately
Goateed greaseball Alec Metro
plants a palm on T. J. Hart’s pneu-
matic rack and commences twat-
stuffing, For a brief, hopeful
moment, laps stiffen, Then director
Lee makes his first crucial, and
Hammering
the
camera lingers on a mirror’s reflec-
” for
recurrin,
misstep.
home the title’s significanc
tion, The viewer is “treated
agonizingly long periods, to a par-
tial shot of Hart’s craggy face and
nothing else. Subsequent fucking is
obscured by bedposts and palm
fronds. Equally enticing: Tyler's
dialogue-heavy tryst with the gor-
gonlike Danielle Rogers. Watching
two sluts discuss psycholog
ical
theory is somewhat amusing, but
amusing and arousing only sound
similar. Reflections reflects poorly
on its inept creators. —S.A.
April HUSTLER
WET SPOTS 4: Arch slut L'Amour bangs Sanders’s bone
Puritan 21
THREE-QUARTERS
ERECT
Directed by Jim Powe
Dow Jones and Rodney Moore;
starring Alexandra Nice, Danielle Roge
Tigra, Kirsten, Cassie, Sabrina Johnson,
egal, J. J. Michaels, Jack Hammi
Billy Glide, Jay Ashley
Videocassette: Legend.
Many have pondered the
question, “What do Scots wear
under their kilts?” Puritan 21 pro
vides an answer (nothing) in the
context of a DP. J. J. Michaels
and Jay Ashley stand atop the
Scottish highlands, faces frozen
in solemn frowns. Smoky-eyed
Sabrina
Johnson approaches
Before she can say, “Bagpipes
are annoying,” the tartan-clad
woodsmen bear down on the
golden-skinned gamine. Ashley
takes the high road, plowin
Johnson's black-mossed bog
Michaels takes the low road,
converting her puckered shit
pipe into a gaping maw
we're giving you all we've got,
lassie!” Michaels growls, sound-
ing like Star Trek's Scotty, Other
scenes in this multi-director
mixed results.
Alexandra Nice’s Tasmanian-
effort offer
devil imitation during her dou-
ble-pronged dicking by Dave
Hardman and Billy Glide handi-
ly relieves the viewer's testicles
Danielle
ruptured
of excess semen
sgers’s apparently
implants do not. Chest puppets
that resemble half-deflated bal-
loons lead to fully deflated
viewer schwang and make
Puritan 21 a less-than-pure
delight S.A,
HEARTACHE: Swift faces double-dick drenching.
REFLECTIONS: Frost subdues Worthington for Moore's tongue.
PURITAN 21: Johnson, gaped and grinning.
A quick checklist of features reviewed in past issues
of HUSTLER and HUSTLER EROTIC VIDEO GUIDE
Deep Throat: The Quest V (Arrow)
Jeanna Fine, Brittany Andrews, Kyle Stone
Gangbang Auditions #1
(Diabolique Video)
Inari Vachs. Ieeane
Tom Byron: Lord of Asses
(Extreme Associates)
Chandler, Jessica Darlin, Tom Byron
White Angel (Metro)
mes, Mare Davis
Caroline,
Stacy Valent
HUSTLER’s Beaver Hunt #3 (Vivid)
Katie, Toni Reyes, Jasmine
Sean Michaels’s Erotic City 3
(Elegant Angel)
Deja Blew, Porsha, Sean Michaels
The Kiss (Vivid)
Lori Michaels, Tia Bella, Nick East
Race Track Whores
(Odyssey Group Video)
I J. Hart, Randi Storm, Brandon tron
Sex Offenders #4
(Wicked/X-World Entertainment)
Amanda Hart, Alexandra Nice, Nick East
Back on the Prowl 2 (Vivid Raw)
Bobbie Bliss, Wildcat, Victor
Directed by Kovi
starring Grety, Pam Lee, Mary Eleniak,
Cat Tails #4 (Midnight Video) Diana, Leslie Taylor, Mina, Bolivia
Megan, Barbara, Wanda Curtis, Sophie Call
Catalina L'Amour, uncredited
Close at Hand (Sin City) Timea F,, Di ank Gunn.
Dakota, Dee, Steve Austin Mike Foster, Nick Lang John Lenin.
The Look (Vivid) Videorass
Tia Bella, Alyssa Love, Nick East
Perverted Stories 19 (JM Productions)
208, Cassidy, Dave Hardman
The Show 3 (Vivid)
Leslie Glass, Randi Rage, Michael J. Coxx
Johnny Toxic: Action Man 2 (Sin City)
Candy Hill, Kira, Porsha
Real Sex Magazine 15
(Odyssey Group Video)
Jenny, Vanity, Brick Majors
ate
Private Gold 32: Lethal Infor
mation is a tale of espionage and
intrigue that boasts heart-racing
gunplay
twisting,
helicopter chases and a
well-wrought plot
Despite these facts, this Hungarian:
made vid is a worthy investment of
the armchair stroker’s time. Pistol
toting Frank Gunn and Mike Foster
come across Grety, Lethal’s princi-
pal wood conjurer. Her shoulder-
length, blond hair a tangled mess
S.MU.T. 7 (Elegant Angel)
Coral Sands, Elena, Vince Vouyer
and her nose slightly bulbous,
Grety filthy
fuck-pig appeal. Gunn and Foster
pack fleshy heat in Grety’s waiting
nonetheless oozes
Terrors From the Clit
(Extreme Associates)
Kelly Dean, Elle DeVine, I
WetScape (Sin City)
Temptress, Tracy Love, Alec Metro
Grapplin’ & Gropin’ #2
(Odyssey Group Video)
Champagne, Cee Cee, Jake
Open Wide (Vivid)
Jenteal, Ruby, Jon Dough
Vortex (VCA Pictures)
Shayla LaVeaux, Nikita, Tony Tedes
Byron —pichole
their shafts for her inevitable two-
She graciously greases
prong mauling. Gunn's moment of
anal penetration is, maddeningly,
achieved off-camera. Gunn makes
up for the technical gaffe. Soothing
fuzak plays in the background
Gunn squats over Grety like a gar-
goyle. Delivering a playful slap to
the blonde’s noggin, he growls
through clenched teeth and spe-
yj _lunkers the yipping nubile's crap
rings. Grety’s naturally ample
THREE-QUARTERS
ERECT
udders swing like creamy twin
pendulums, keeping time with the
at-home beater’s pumping fist
Lethal Information causes spuzz-
filled flesh guns to fire multiple
rounds, SA
THREE-QUARTERS
ERECT
Directed by Stoney Curtis:
starring Charlese L'Amour, Teri Starr
Montana Gunn, Tracy Love, Cortknee,
Alexandra Nice, Raquel Devine, Jessica,
Elana, Tice Bune, Dave Hardman
Rick Masters, John West, Herschel
Savage and Stoney Curtis.
Videocassette: Celestial Productions/Seymore
Butts Home Movies,
Pussy-loving gearheads, rejoice
Hot Bods & Tail Pipe 4 is a
raunchy two hours’ worth of cus-
tom rods and custom sluts. Dave
Hardman and Stoney Curtis
cruise down the boulevard in a
‘67 Chevy Malibu convertible,
427, four-on-the-floor. The bur-
gundy chariot is a magical chick
magnet in the quest for cooze
Raquel Devine and Jessica drive
up. “Hey, pull over, we wanna see
your car!” shouts Raquel. A slop-
py ass reaming results. Tracy
Love and Montana Gunn detail a
custom 1940s Plymouth. Their
efforts shift to a handjob when
Hardman and Tice Bune appear.
HOT BODS: L'Amour serves
snatch to Masters.
Herschel Savage is the hands-
down winner of this race to the
panty line with his black, °57
Chevy convertible. Savage snares
Dutch blonde Elana and gorgeous,
Russian brunette Alexandra Nice
The sluts talk trash in classy
European accents, contrasting
nicely with the sleazy fuck ride
Nice nearly
Elana’s snizz as Savage grinds his
wrench into Elana’s tailpipe. The
they provide fists
girls swap places until Herschel
pops his rod. Hot Bods & Tail
Pipe 4 will make quick shifters
pop their rods too. -D.P.
April HUSTLER
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Jilly disengaged her clam from
Ramona’s arm—accompanied by a loud,
slurpy queef—and gasped from her
mouth as well, “I thought you were just
going in for a routine checkup!” Her
exposed vage was red, raw and still dilated.
Seeing the expectant cunny quivers travel
all the way up her womb drove my dick
mad with frustrated desire. My brain sim-
ply refused to pump the necessary erec-
tion juice. Thank goodness Ramona was
still in her underwear, or the sight of both
twats naked and wanting would push me
over the rigid edge.
“Geeson blames my impotence on the
nuclear-power plant I lived next to as a
child,” I sobbed, turning in an Academy
Award-level performance. “Nothing can
raise my irradiated peter from the dead.
Nothing...at...uhh, girls?” To my surprise,
the scrunt smackers had already forgotten
my dilemma. Either that, or the 69 posi-
tion they so casually fell into was a
humanitarian effort to light my groin fire.
Jilly peeled the panties off her partner's
raised bottom; in the process, a sanitary
pad was dislodged. Apparently, Ramona
was still on the rag! Would Jilly place her
face in the bloody beaver? You bet she
did...and aggressively too, The wet flap of
upper and lower lips colliding filled the
room, Jilly shook her head back and
forth. She employed two hands to spread
open the serving of sizzling snizz.
Crimson slop drooled onto Jilly’s chin.
I've never known myself to find the
womanly cycle sexy, but something
about the supremely unsanitary scene
overstimulated my nut sac. Ramona
screamed as her pussy was digitally
gouged; each time Jilly sent in her tongue
or another finger, the probe returned
damp and red. Meanwhile, Ramona’s
fiery hair nestled between pale thighs,
lending the appearance of a second burn-
ing bush, My poor prick could take no
more and stood at proud attention. I con-
sidered calling the miracle boner to the
attention of my girlfriends, then decided
to let my orifice-pounding actions speak
louder than words.
Roughly, I yanked Ramona’s head,
removing her oral services from the gash
below to the mighty meat hammer point-
ing toward her nose. A surprised expres-
sion lit up her face as she opened wide for
the beefy treat; perhaps she actually swal-
lowed that line of impotence bullshit. The
one thing Ramona definitely ingested was
my wand, which I pushed back to greet
her tonsils and fill her throat. She bobbed
her head like the best little cocksucker on
the planet, lubricating every millimeter
\ with her hot spit.
Hot Letters .iiiy pecics the panties ott ner p
a sanitary pad was dislodged. Apparently, Ramona was still on the rag!
Meanwhile, back at Ramona’s lower
regions, another warm bodily fluid was
dampening the blonde’s brow. That’s
because Jilly rubbed the plasma pie all
over her smiling face. The free-form cun-
nilingual technique sounded like an erotic
Bronx cheer. I pulled my plank out of
Ramona’s gullet and shoved it into Jilly’s
yellow puss, just to give her something to
really make noise about.
“Yahhh,” exclaimed Jilly, her passion
hardly muffled by the muff in her mouth.
Shacking up with two women has taught
me the reassuring lesson that even lesbos
react most strongly to a shot of penis. I
gave her a few good strokes while
Ramona bit her love button. Upon the
reemergence of my gleet-glistening mem-
ber, I smacked the engorged head against
her bristly pubes. The vaginal sandpaper
burned in the best way.
Ramona begged, “Let me suck you
off.” I graciously allowed her a taste of
the tip, but refused to honor her request
for splooge. My intention lay between
her jiggling butt cheeks, so scarred and
reddened by Jilly’s fingernails. As I cir-
cled around to the edge of the bed where
the rump was being so thoroughly
lapped, I felt like an anal hunter in big-
game country.
Although Jilly had every right to be
(continued from page 37)
artner’s raised bottom; in the process,
distracted by the labes draped over her
lips, she was still considerate enough to
part Ramona’s pooper upon my approach.
Sometimes I feel like Jilly and I have a
psychic bond. For instance, there was the
time I was about to come on Ramona’s
face, and her eyelids were suddenly held
open by Jilly’s helpful hands. How could
she have known I was pissed at the bitch
and planned to take revenge by aiming
for her eyeball? Now the telepathic tramp
was facilitating the introduction of my
throbbing hard-on to Ramona’s sphinc-
ters. I looked down to catch a leering,
blood-caked wink from Jilly. Her
drenched appearance gave new meaning
to the term red-faced.
“No, no, no,” burst Ramona, her colon
muscles tightening. “Oww/ It hurts too
much. Pull out, and lube up.” Jilly’s
mouth was conveniently located below
my rectal explorations; so I removed my
first few inches and crammed them down
her esophagus. She sucked greedily,
swabbed my tool against Ramona’s sloppy
cunt and aimed the pointer back to her
bottom. This time, entry was quite easy.
Soon I was engulfed in her turgid turd
rings. I pumped the butt and let Jilly take
care of providing clitoral stimulation,
The potent combination proved too
(continued on page 50)
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April HUSTLER
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Hot Letters “Lick my asshole,
(continued from page 47)
” | barked. What a sex-starved harlot | am. If reaching
my nonny was a chore, providing my own rimjob would certainly be no walk in the park.
much for Ramona; her elbows gave out,
and she collapsed in Jilly’s steamy sex.
Hopefully, she wouldn’t suffocate as I
banged her caboose to a nad-shattering
climax.
I yelled, “Get ready, Jilly. Gonna rub
my spraying cock all over your face until
it’s red, white and brown. Like
Neapolitan ice cream..." A twitch over-
took my groin, and the first volley of
chum blasted Ramona’s bowels. Quickly,
I unplugged her hole and pointed down-
ward; Jilly’s tongue flopped about to
catch every scummy drop. I ended by
practically sitting on her face to push
every inch of my gourd down her pipe.
Did I return the favor by going down
on Jilly and Ramona until they came? Not
quite; walking out of the room and flip-
ping on the television was my final April
Fools’ prank. Besides, that’s what keep-
ing an extra ginch around the house is for.
I think eating out a bloody cunt is dis-
gusting. Maybe I'll dump Ramona and
just keep Jilly around, —K.B.
Bloomington, Indiana
EAT ME
Some people take up yoga for health rea-
sons. Others claim the Hindu exercises
help with mental well-being. I signed up
“I love a man who knows how to dress for success...”
for a yoga class so I could learn to lick my
own pussy. Don’t laugh; when I said as
much at the first meeting, half the women
raised their hands and admitted the same
ulterior motive.
It’s not that I can’t find men to do the
job. Plenty volunteer every day, attracted
by my fit physique, pendulous melons
and ice-goddess features. Sadly, none of
them can do it right, Most guys chow car-
pet like a cow at a salt lick. The rest pos-
sess a decent trick or two...then bore me
by repeating the same tongue twist all
night long. I decided to take matters into
my own hands—or mouth, as the case
may be.
My first oral foray into my fur burger
occurred after a particularly frustrating
date. This dork I met at the supermarket
ended up dry-humping me on the couch
until he wasn’t so dry. In fact, he had
ejaculated in his ugly plaid pants. I was
mortified. He didn’t even have the decen-
cy to unzip first! There I was, horny as
hell and faced with a spent, two-inch wie-
nie. I threw him out and loaded a roman-
tic tape into the stereo.
At first, I couldn’t even reach my
head past my flat, firm belly. I realized I
needed to sweet-talk myself a little bit.
Making sure all the windows were
closed so no neighbors could hear, I laid
a
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down one hell of a smooth rap.
“Baby,” I began, playfully sneaking a
naughty hand to my knee. “What's the
matter? Don’t you want to give me a taste
of that hot, sweet poontang? Shit, honey,
you're the finest bitch I’ve seen all year.
Just let my taste buds caress your sugar
walls.” Sure, I felt a little ridiculous
spewing such nonsense with no one else
in sight, But the dirty language did the
trick. I could sense the muscles in my
neck straining to achieve crotch contact.
The musky prize was still a few inches
away. I took a deep breath in my squat-
ting position and touched myself lightly
upon the mons,
“Don’t pull away now,” I insisted to
myself, “I’m just getting started. Come
on you filthy little whore. You know you
want my tongue in your flue. Take it!
Take every bit of me inside. I’m through
talking; it’s time to use my mouth on that
tight, pink canal.” The rough treatment
shocked myself. I worked like a mother-
fucker to fulfill my selfish desires, even if
I suffered back pain or became stuck in
the degrading pose. Finally, sucking suc-
cess was mine.
To reward myself for a job well done, I
tickled my love lips for a solid hour.
Cream gushed upon my face. I staved off
climax for as long as possible; now that I
was in position, | wanted to enjoy the
fruits. A particular flick of my swollen clit
was the last straw before my cunny was
consumed with orgasmic spasms.
1 erupted, “God, you're so good,” and
bucked in my face. The loin burst was a
wet one. It was impossible to discern my
saliva from my _ intimate juices.
Exhausted, I was just about to fall back
and stretch out when I astonished myself
by demanding more.
“Lick my asshole,” I barked. What a
sex-starved harlot I am. If reaching my
nonny was a chore, providing my own
rimjob would certainly be no walk in the
park. | would hear no complaining, how-
ever; my every protest was met with a
command of, “Lick it, bitch!”
Uh-oh, HUSTLER—I'd better go.
Writing this letter made me hot and both-
ered. And now I’m ordering myself to do
me with a 14-inch dildo! —A.C.
Delton, Florida
HUSTLER-STORE WHORE
Hey, Larry—thanks for opening a
HUSTLER store in my neighborhood. I
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your Cincinnati branch, and now you’re
on trial. Well, I stirred up quite a bit of
shit with the butt plug I purchased at your
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fine establishment in Hollywood...and my
wife has absolutely no intention of suing.
She even plans to offer you a reward. But
I'll mention that at the end of the letter.
My marriage to Kora has always had
its ups and downs. Lately, my pecker has
spent a lot more time in that terrible down
mode, It’s not that Kora is unattractive to
me. Actually, she looks better than ever. I
bought her a gym membership for
Christmas last year, and she sweated her-
self into taut, fuckable shape. Her full,
succulent bosom has never drooped, and
her butt booms temptingly from a short
skirt. She went so far as to dye her hair
black and sport a Cleopatra cut when she
caught me whacking off to a supermodel
with the same look. None of Kora’s
efforts helped; | simply grew tired of
porking her bronze cooch, No matter how
hot a woman is, there’s always a guy
somewhere who is sick of fucking her—
just like my dad used to say.
I happened to spot HUSTLER
HOLLYWOOD on Sunset Boulevard
while driving Kora to her date with a
StairMaster. The place looked polite
enough from the outside for me to tempt
my mild-mannered wife with a quick visit.
“Come on, honey,” I cajoled. “You
loved that movie The People vs. Larry
Flynt. Vil bet they have plenty of similar
flicks.” She shot me a glare that quickly
twisted into a smirk. All right, so Kora
was on to my game; she was also encour-
aging me to find a parking space and
escort her to the video section.
Kora grabbed a tape featuring a conser-
vatively dressed maiden from the
Victorian era and whispered, “This one
looks good.” At first, I cringed, unwilling
to sit through a boring costume drama.
Then I recognized the Private-brand label.
Their tapes always feature raunchy gang-
bangs and butt-fucking. I made a big pro-
duction out of reluctantly agreeing and
purchased the fine example of sodomy
cinema,
At home, my wife quickly understood
we had not rented a Merchant-lvory
film. Her eyes grew wide as she watched
a nasty double-anal penetration befoul
our Sony widescreen. Signs indicated
that her vage was also growing quite
steamy; a familiar, pussified aroma filled
my nostrils.
“I’m so wet,” she admitted, seemingly
surprised by her soaking condition. I
reached between Kora’s legs. She had just
uttered the understatement of the century.
Even through the thick fabric of her
sweatpants, a twat typhoon had palpably
ruined her workout gear. | peeled off the
\ sticky garment, pausing only for a deep
whiff of the thong panties underneath.
The butt floss was tossed aside as I spread
her legs.
I whipped out my raging arousal, prod-
ded the ten inches against Kora’s opening
and intoned, “Prepare for the fuck of a
lifetime.” Suddenly she stopped me and
pushed me aside. Her eyes were glassy
and lust-glazed.
“T can’t see the television,” she
groused. Unbelievable! I had transformed
my wife into a rabid porn fiend with one
lousy tape. In order not to obscure her
viewing pleasure, I pivoted Kora’s body
upon the couch.
One of her slender, shapely gams
pointed upward while the other hit the
floor. She frantically frigged her love but-
ton and pleaded for my fuck stick. At this
point, | was so horny that my initial thrust
banged her head into the wall, The loud
thud jolted me enough to halt my piston-
ing hips.
“Jesus,” she screeched, followed by,
“don’t fucking stop!” I had never felt
Kora gyrate the way she did that after-
noon. Initially, I credited the new vibra-
tions to the massive state of my sword. A
quick glance at the onscreen action
revealed the true source of excitement:
Kora was imitating the actress who suf-
fered a brutal duo dicking. Our power
Hot Lette rs Our pumping was about to reach a splattery crescendo when Kora
announced, “! want something in my ass too! Can you drive back to the store and buy a really fucking big toy?”
pumping was about to reach a splattery
crescendo when Kora announced, “I want
something in my ass too! Can you drive
back to the store and buy a really fucking
big toy?”
Believe it or not, I agreed to my
wife’s outrageous demand and took off
down Sunset Boulevard at 80 miles per
hour. HUSTLER HOLLYWOOD was
open, thank God; a comely clerk was
more than welcome to recommend her
favorite anal beads and butt plug, I raced
home, slathered the plastic reamer with
lube (also purchased at the HUSTLER
store) and plunged the fat boy up Kora’s
bunghole.
She yowled, “Yesss,” and continued to
moan when my harpoon stuck her
snatch. We shared an intense, simultane-
ous orgasm; Kora claimed semen was
still leaking down her leg at work the
next day.
Thanks, Larry, for providing some
excitement in our marriage. Kora would
appreciate the opportunity to blow you in
gratitude. Is there a particular time we can
stop by the office? —A.W.
Los Angeles, California
Send your sexperiences to HUSTLER Hot
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The sperm-splattered women of porn
comprise a never-ending procession
of fresh faces, fat tits and perfect
asses; as for their male counterparts,
the same dog-eared mooks appear
again and again. Why has fat, hairy
Ron Jeremy been paid to fuck the
hottest chicks on the planet in literally
thousands of skin flicks? Why does
45-year-old Randy West continue to
take home a paycheck for screwing
girls who could be his granddaugh-
ters? In the business-first world of
hard-core porn, men are not selected
for looks, sculpted muscles or even
necessarily for the size of their penis-
es, although a jumbo joy knob cer-
tainly helps, The single most impor-
tant attribute of a successful porn
stud; total cock control.
A man who cannot get hard
dependably and pop on a moment's
notice in front of 20 impatient, jeal-
ous crewmen, a battery of white-hot
klieg lights and a control-freak direc-
tor is as useful in the jizz biz as a
chick with her legs crossed.
Any red-blooded nonhomo should
have no trouble sprouting a boner
when a harem of dream girls is wait-
ing for him to ream their ass rings,
but the rigors of film production
wither otherwise-dependable wangs.
Only a select few masters of man
meat are paid to pound pussy.
What does it take to be a reliable
porn gunslinger, the stud who is
called back in spite of a pudgy
physique, slackening jowls or a
receding hairline? HUSTLER talks
with porn’s premier pricks about the
art of training the salami to submit.
* * *
“There are only so many fucking
cowboys that roll through,” says
Buck Adams, a hardened porn vet-
eran. “It’s a brotherhood. With very
few exceptions, if they didn’t have
it when they walked through the
door, they ain't got it. They ain't
never gonna get it no matter how
hard they try.”
Contrary to what Adams may
believe, many of today’s most
unflagging bronco busters flopped
56
Restrictive attitudes in the name of so-called morality increasingly take the fun out of fucking.
Through good, old-fashioned homespun knowledge, hearsay, scientific facts and outright lies,
this series strives to spread the word that rubbing uglies is a beautiful experience.
Tools of the Trade
WOOD SECRETS OF PORN'S TOP SWORDSMEN
BY MARC STAR *
when they first started. Although
porn swordsmen are unwilling to use
words such as flaccid, limp or mushy
to characterize their early perfor-
mances, they speak frankly with
HUSTLER about their troubles pop-
ping out of the starting blocks.
“The first three I did were horri-
ble,” says Brad Armstrong, Wicked’s
top actor/producer/director. “Any
dude, unless you get lucky, their first
five or six movies are a fucking
nightmare.”
Even a reliable stud such as Tom
Byron had it rough when he jumped
into porn. “When I first started, I was
terrible. It took me a good half year
before I was able to get the hang of
it,” he says euphemistically.
“I was on a shoot on a boat,” Byron
recalls, “I had a 7 a.m, call time, got
ILLUSTRATION BY VAN ARNO
seasick, and they didn’t get around to
my scene until 5 a.m. the next morn-
ing. I was tired, and I just didn’t give
a fuck. There was a girl, she was kind
of cute, and I thought, You know, |
don't care whether I get it up or not.
I'm going to go in there and just have
fun. And | did. Once I stopped worry-
ing and adopted an I-don’t-give-a-
fuck attitude, it got easy.”
“The guy who doesn’t think about
fucking up ain’t going to,” says Buck
Adams. “On a day where you think it
would take a nuclear explosion to
make your dick move, all of the sud-
den, this I'm-the-fucking-vet-here
motor kicks in.”
“There is a tremendous amount of
pressure on porn swordsmen to stay
hard,” says Vince Vouyer, an A-list
. “You're only as good as your
last scene
-iving legend Randy West had
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trepidations when he showed up for his
first porn shoot, but his anxiety was
eased by good fortune. “I saw this girl
lying there naked, saying, ‘Hi, I’m
Samantha Fox, and I'm looking forward
to fucking you.” I said, ‘Okay, I can prob-
ably handle this.’
“To be a full-time guy in this business,
you need to be oversexed, ready to screw
somebody about every ten minutes,” says
West. “As a kid, I had to jerk off about
four or five times a day just to maintain a
little sanity.”
Not surprisingly, porn’s woodsmen
have developed a variety of tricks of the
trade to see them through to raging hard-
ons, Exercise and physical fitness—Ron
Jeremy notwithstanding—appear to be
common themes.
“Most of the guys in this business that
I've seen perform well have been in pretty
good shape,” notes Vince Vouyer.
“Working out is a given as far as keeping
up my testosterone and staying horny.
Fucking a lot also keeps you in shape.”
Vouyer swears that his leg workouts stim-
ulate testosterone production.
Seventeen-year veteran Tom Byron
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moving. And you have to keep in shape
so you can do those weird position:
Randy West recommends multiple vita-
mins. “ supposed to build the tad-
poles up a bit and might make you come
a little more,” he adds.
“Sex is from the mind,” says Max
Hardcore, gonzo actor/director/producer
extraordinaire. “I can fuck the ugliest girl
and have a great hard-on or fuck a beauti-
ful girl and not be fully there. It all
depends on where the mind’s at.”
Tom Byron elicits horniness via a more
natural route: abstinence. “I leave my
dick alone for, like, a week or two before
a shoot so I’m ready to fuck a door,” he
says. “I really don’t have to go too far into
my head to get there,”
Dave Hardman decries these home
remedies as ineffective. “The trick is:
There is no trick,” says Hardman. “It’s
one in 1,000 guys that can do this, and it’s
bred into you.”
“Some guys do the ginseng; some guys
smoke a joint,” says Brad Armstrong. “It
just depends. | pretty much make sure I
like the chick.”
Almost by definition, porn queens are
eminently fuckable, but woodsmen are
occasionally asked to plug their penises
into some horrifying holes, demanding
miracles of stiffness.
“Sometimes it’s like cottage cheese drip-
\\_ping out of her pussy, and she’s got shit all
over her asshole, like she needs to wipe her
fucking ass,” says Dave Hardman. “Those
are the days you go to work.”
“When you're doing a girl that you're
not crazy about, that’s when you have to
fantasize,” says Randy West. “I’m sure
most guys have done it when they've
gone out with somebody for a long time.
Once in a while, you have to pull that
trick at home. Fortunately for them, they
don’t have 20 people waiting for them to
get it up. You gotta tap into that fantasy
pretty quick and whack away.”
“It's all mental, bro’,” says Vince
Vouyer. “You just gotta concentrate. /
gotta get my dick hard. | gotta get my dick
hard. Maybe I'll think of someone else.”
“For me, getting it up isn’t much of a
problem, but sometimes holding back is
the toughest job,” says Randy West, who
has developed his own strategies to control
his glop geyser. “You try to hold off, take a
minute break or think about Nate Newton
naked after a sweaty game in Dallas, That
might take the edge off a little bit.”
“Personally, | pop really easy,” says
Brad Armstrong. “I'm fighting it all the
way through, especially when there’s two
chicks, Sometimes I'll pinch my leg or
my ear, and every once in a while, you
just have to take a break,”
“Okay...okay—I'll make you a real one, but believe me, Adam,
Sex Play Almost by definition, porn queens are eminently fuckable, but woodsmen are
occasionally asked to plug their penises into some horrifying holes, demanding miracles of stiffness.
“When I'm fucking a girl in the ass,”
adds Byron, “I'll think how disgusting it
is that I’m going up the place where she
shits.”
For many of the men of porn, a lifetime
of masturbating lends itself to expert
orgasm control. “You have to know your
own body,” says Byron, “You have to jerk
off a lot to know when you want to come.
See if you can time your orgasm to the
orgasm of the guy onscreen, If you can
master that control, you should be able to
translate it to real life,
“The more you jerk off, the more you
learn about your own dick,” Byron adds,
“Apply that when you’re having sex.”
Each fuck and every jackoff session can
be a form of practice for future porn star-
dom, but too much practice may be
counterproductive,
“Don’t jerk off too much if you work in
this business,” says Vince Vouyer.
“You're going to get used to your hand so
much, no one’s going to match it.”
Tom Byron disagrees. “Porn actually
se other than just getting off,” he
‘s an endurance builder, It can
sound like Nina Hartley now, Watch porn,
jerk off, get to know your dick, and you
can pretty much do anything.”
Se 4
Hix
.
you'll be much happier with this!”
April HUSTLER
59
PHOTOGRAPHY BY MATT! KLA
Exotic dancers Desiree and Antoni plai
the sordid
history behind their act
Desiree and I met in jail. I'd eat her pussy and shove my fin-
ger into her mouth so the guards wouldn't hear her coming.”
“When guys watch our show, all they see are two hot When Antonia transferred to the county facility,” Desiree
oily broads going down on cach other in a steel crib,” recalls, probing her lover's twat, “all I did was touch myself
Antonia explains. She covers her co-star with massa and cry. Antonia and | are free now, but we make love in this
oil. “The masses don't understand that our performar crib to show that every lover's bed is a prison.”
symbolizes our solidarity with our jailhouse sisters.” Antonia dives between Desiree’s legs
Antonia gazes longingly at Desiree’s spread snatch I hereby sentence you to a lifetime of illicit pl
| |
cei
Dal re
ae
ae
Tyan
THE DEUGGCY Giniiani's “quatity of ite” initiative, which had preyed upon the city's taxicab
drivers, hot-dog vendors, jaywalkers and squeegee men, has fixed New York's sex industry between its crosshairs.
This was possibly my last pilgrimage to
the fortresslike flesh emporium known as
Show World, a melting pot of models to
suit a melting pot of masturbators. Not
long ago, Show World’s potpourri of
pussy was available 24 hours a day to
sooth the loneliness of crackheads and
corporate executives alike. Peep-A-Live
stages allowed customers to behold
female and semifemale anatomies from
private booths, with plexiglass separating
suit from slut. For a tip, peep whores
would offer their saliva-soaked titties for
ing; a generous customer could dip
his finger up to the knuckle in slit. Sadly,
those days are over.
It was at Show World, on the corner of
8th Avenue and 42nd Street, that I worked
as a mop man, swabbing an endless
stream of ejaculations from the labyrinth
of video peeps. Over the years, I devel-
oped a motto: You drop it; we mop it.
Later | graduated to the stardom of fuck-
ing onstage. The sweet allure of drugs
deepened the experience, and I absorbed
the glamour and seduction of “the life”
into my bloodstream. All told, I spent
years in Show World's sleazy confines.
42nd Street, known to the outlaws and
outcasts of ghetto culture as the Deuce,
was a neon-laced underworld teeming
with wildlife. Now-vanishing tribes
flourished there: pimps cruising the
thruways of indecency in custom El
Dorados; hotpanted, blond-wigged, black
hookers hustling some half ’n’ half for
cab fare home; Hasidim looking for
blowjobs; hermaphrodites seeking tricks;
and drug dealers that didn’t worry about
busts. Today it is as though the lowlifes
vanished overnight, replaced by blue-
suited executives and tourists.
1 emerge from the subway and approach
the last remaining enclave of adult estab-
lishments in the whole of Times Square.
Results of Mayor Rudolf W. Giuliani's
zealous antiporn campaign are immedi-
ately evident.
Apvutr Live Nupe Girts, Live FRENCH
Acts, XXX Movies tN CoLor once
flashed in bright neon outside grand, old
theaters, announcing the carnal attrac-
tions that waited inside. These days, the
signs themselves are against the law, let
alone the acts they advertise.
I'd had no idea how attached I was to
those lewd, fluorescent fixtures until they
were gone, Where ORIENTAL, SHE-MALE,
AMATEUR, FETISH, AND RUBBER Goops
were shamelessly splashed across mar-
quees, meek neon replacements whimper:
BoOKs-SOUVENIRS-ASSORTED NOVELTIES.
Mayor Giuliani's “quality of life
“Well, dear, it depends on how you define the word fuck.”
70
April HUSTLER
taxicab drivers, hot-dog vendors, jay-
walkers and squeegee men, has fixed
New York’s sex industry between its
“It’s very, very easy for a politician to
have a crusade against prostitution,
sex, promiscuity and topless
ys Michele Capozzi, who spent
18 years in the underbelly of the city, con-
ducting tours for Italian visitors through
what he used to call Fun City. “Giuliani’s
goal is to make midtown Manhattan a
tourist mecca. There’s no soul in all of
this. It’s boring, fucking boring.
“I always enjoyed getting a handjob
from prostitutes in the street,” he adds
wistfully. “When I go to topless bars, I
want to get off with a good lap dance and
shoot my cum in my pants—that has
always been a pleasure. Now it seems that
lap dancing is a form of prostitution.”
The crackdown began recently. The
dickless puritans of the United States
Supreme Court gave Mayor “Adolf”
Giuliani his final victory in his crusade
against pornography, ruling th
zoning law exiling sex businesses
industrial areas does not trample free
speech. The zoning law, coupled with
Giuliani’s pathological fixation against
smut, brought down sex on the Deuce and
throughout the entire city as well.
I walk into the lobby of Show World. I
no longer have the feeling that I belong
there. The fuck books, XXX tapes, dildos
and inflatable dolls have been replaced by
miniature Empire State Buildings, beep-
ers, walkmans, photo-ID cards and Elvis
Presley T-shirts. Show World found it
could remain open by devoting a substan-
tial portion of its floor space to main-
stream stock, and today there is little evi-
dence that this was once the epicenter of
smut in New York City.
Across the street, what looks like a
gigantic meteor crater stretches for
almost a full block—a block that was
once the sleaziest in America. Now it’s
ground zero for the new Disney complex.
Complaining that the city had been
overrun by smut, the Disney Corporation
apparently made it a condition of its
investment on 42nd Street that sex shops
be forced out. With the Disney-owned
New Amsterdam theater showcasing The
Lion King at one end of the block and
Show World, with its legs spread, at the
other, it is easy to imagine Disney deliv-
ering their ultimatum: There can only be
one pussy on this block, and it’s going to
be The Lion King.
Show World, a seedy fixture on 8th
Avenue for 23 years, was the antithesis of
(continued on page 78)
always the same.
’m a nubile island princess
it to be thrown into a volcano
as part of a fertility rite.” The lan-
guid exotic exhales. “The vil-
lagers remove my clothes, tie me
to a table and anoint my body with
oil, Just as I’m about to give in to
despair, J, chiseled dude ina
loincloth comes to my rescue
‘There is only one w
you,’ he says, sliding his hard dick
into my tight, virgin cunt. My
hymen snaps. Burning pain shoots
through my belly.” Lani sticks
three fingers up her hole. “The
volcano spews hot, viscous fluid
all over my breasts. Then | wake
up.” Lani sighs. “I may not be a
princess, but I'll sacrifice my body
to the right guy,”
y to save
The Deuce Euro sluts and homegrown whores ali
(continued from page 70)
ke gyrated on stages, the bodacious
embodiments of female anatomical perfection. Titty touching and flagrant fingering were frequent here.
family-friendly Disney and had to be
climinated. Today the entrance to the
long, narrow corridor of video peeps is
blocked by jet-black, saloon-style swing-
ing doors; the corridor itself is eerily
empty. Once the sounds of video ecstasy
emanated from every booth, and I knew
from experience that each screen was
splashed with nut juice. Only weeks ear-
lier, a procession of Venus flytraps paraded
s, and a turn-
stile led to stablelike areas inhabited by a
harem of nude girls. Now the fantasy
le lies in ruins. Amazon peep queens
¢ been deposed by Mickey Mouse and
his crew.
Cruising along 8th Avenue, I stop by an
adult-book, -video and peep parlor that has
remained open. I know the owner, but he
asks that I not identify him by name for
I'll refer to him as Bobby.
ure him that I won't reveal
his identity, Bobby blows off some steam.
He's had a lot on his mind, mostly our
esteemed mayor.
“I didn’t invent sex; I didn’t invent
magazines. Because of this prick scum-
bag cocksucker mayor, now it’s gonna be
more under the table,” he says. “That bas-
tard took a big chunk out of our income—
fucking 60% of revenue.”
Once Bobby starts talking, there isn’t
much I can do but listen.
“Giuliani wants to close us the fuck
down,” he continues, “and he can do it;
they're using the nuisance fuckin’ abate-
ment law—even if there’s nothing illegal
going on, if a cop offers one of our girls a
thousand dollars a thousand times for a
blowjob, sooner or later, she’s gonna go
out with him. It don’t gotta be on the
premises; it could be across the street at
McDonald’s, They get us once, we're on
notice, They get us twice, we're closed.”
I know these girls. It’s not fair entrap-
ping them, offering good money for a
blowjob. They can’t help but suck—
they're bimbos.
I have no intention of throwing salt on
an open wound, but I need to know what
Bobby thinks of the chances that his loyal
patrons will rise up to reverse the anti-
smut tide.
“Our customers are the silent majority,”
he replies. “They're anonymous people,
very private. No one’s going to stand up
in our defense.”
I exit Bobby’s place dejected and
glance down the avenue at what used to
be the most notable dives of the Deuce.
The Harris, the Selwyn, the Liberty, Cine
42, Black Jack, Flame Steak, the Super-
Fly Boutique, the Roxy Burlesk, Bill's
SUICIDE
HOTLINE
[=]
ina!
[=]
oe
es
“Lady, all thinking people are tired of Rush Limbaugh.
Now, take the razor away from your wrist...”
78
April HUSTLER
Gyro and Souvlaki; all gone.
The sj cular awning of the Playpen
is still intact, although a crew of Sri
Lankan workmen is busy filling a
Dumpster with debris from its recently
demolished stages. In what was once an
elegant theater, individual stalls like
spokes on a wheel allowed the peep
patron to view Asian twats, Latina lick
pies and coochies of both ebony and
ivory extraction on revolving platforms.
Euro sluts and homegrown whores alike
gyrated on stages, the bodacious embodi-
ments of female anatomical perfection.
Titty touching and flagrant fingering were
frequent here. Sadly, Playpen’s babes-in-
the-buff were forced to flee.
Out on the avenue, I recognize Luxury,
a longtime stripper, on the sidewalk. I
don’t run into as many people in Times
Square as I used to, but who could miss
Luxury, a dark-skinned hootchie mama in
biker shorts, with a high African rump?
Luxury is as unhappy as any of us with
the new Times Square. “It used to be the
Deuce, Forty Do-ow,” she says. “You
could be broke, and you could have fun
on 42nd Street, but now it’s screwing up
my life. It used to be I could dance one
night, be it a Sunday, Monday or a
Tuesday, and come home with maybe
$500, $600. Ain’t had to work for a week,
had everything my kids needed. But now
it’s like, tonight I paid the house, I paid
mama, and | only got $10 in my pocket!”
A couple of days earlier, Luxury was
working at a club in Queens when the
cops closed it down. “It was early in the
morning, the news was there,” she says.
“They had people with cameras talkin’
"bout all the dancers. They were acting
like the world was comin’ to an end
‘cause we were stripping, like it’s
Armageddon or some shit like that. We
about our business! 1 wish the world was
comin’ to an end, because us strippers are
livin’ our last days.”
After running into Luxury, I feel com-
pelled to find out who is to blame for dis-
mantling our Peep-A-Live stage and, with
it, our livelihoods, Why did they do this
to us? Who are they?
A fury inside of me inspires me to
approach the responsible parties. I need
answers.
Perhaps the Giuliani administration or
even the Disney Corporation would be
sympathetic to the plight of mop men,
bouncers, dry-hustle hostesses, transsexu-
als, lap dancers, hookers and peep-show
sluts—people who have lost their liveli-
hoods because of the cleanup.
A visit to City Hall is uneventful. Mr.
Giuliani's office refuses to see me, as do
“Tonight...Monica Lewinsky...up front and personal.”
The Deuce Despite my frustration in contacting the madman responsible for the
demise of all | hold dear, | am unbowed and decide to concentrate my efforts on the Disney Corporation.
his deputy and his assistant. Every elected
official I ask to see is reported to be in a
meeting by their secretaries.
I am determined to hold them account-
able for what they've done, I dial the
phone number of Giuliani’s office of
information. No emotional outbursts, I say
to myself. If | push too many buttons, I
may end up being investigated myself.
I don’t get through right away. The line
is busy, busy, busy. When an actual per-
son comes on, I am put on hold and left
on hold. Finally, | reach Jennifer Chait,
the mayor’s spokesperson. I identify
myself as a peep-show mop man who
used to perform live sex acts onstage.
This does little to impress Ms. Chait.
“Jennifer, can you answer some of my
questions or put me in touch with some-
one who can?” | ask, getting down to
business,
“I'm sorry,” she answers politely, “it
won't be possible to answer any questions
at all, unless you submit your questions in
advance, After they are carefully
reviewed, our office will send you a state-
ment outlining the mayor’s position.”
Wow, that would be almost like corre-
sponding with the mayor himself.
“How about I just tell you my questions
over the phone so I can save money on
the postage stamp?” I ask.
OH, FATHER —
PUMPING HIS HUGE THICK PENIS
IN AND OUT OF MY THROAT I...
MY PANTIES WERE SOAKED / ...
“Okay, give me your questions. I'll do
my best to process them,” she says.
“Does Mayor Giuliani have any con-
cern whatsoever that the sex-industry
employees are losing their jobs? They're
just trying to earn a living. Is it true that
the mayor would like to see each and
every sex shop padlocked, closed and
eliminated? Furthermore, what is the real
reason he wants to ban this type of enter-
tainment?”
Before I can ask any more questions,
Ms. Chait thanks me, promises to process
my questions and is off the phone. A cou-
ple of weeks later, I still haven't heard
back from Ms. Chait or the mayor.
Despite my frustration in contacting the
madman responsible for the demise of all
I hold dear, I am unbowed and decide to
concentrate my efforts on the Disney
Corporation.
My calls to the Mouse go unanswered,
and the dial tone reminds me I am getting
nowhere, until Colleen Hughes, another
spokesperson, comes on the line, I
explain my involvement in the world of
peeps. She couldn't care less about my
knowledge of disinfectants or my exem~-
plary janitorial skills.
“I need some answers about Disney’s
influence on Times Square,” | demand.
“We have no comments,” she says. Her
He Just KEPT
April HUSTLER
expert response makes clear that she is a
formidable adversary.
“Do you agree with the Giuliani admin-
istration that sex shops destroy the quali-
ty of life in New York?”
“That's a subject we have nothing to do
with,” she replies.
“Did you know that the sex industry in
this city has virtually been wiped out?” I
ask testily. “Will Disney take any respon-
sibility for this?”
“The Disney Corporation's primary
concern is the restoration of the New
Amsterdam theater.”
Ms. Hughes is being less than forth-
ing; she isn en responding to my
questions, just reciting stock responses, I
suggest that she put me in touch with an
executive.
“All the executives are out of town,”
she says,
That is the extent of our conversation.
Aren't I worthy of a real response? I
know deep in my heart that Disney did
away with the Deuce, and it was deliber-
ate, but I also know that Mickey didn’t
act alone,
The Grand Luncheonette was built into
the Selwyn theater and was a Times
Square fixture for 58 years. It was the
very last hot-dog stand on the old Forty-
Deuce. On any given occasion, a cop, a
pimp, a drag queen and an amputee in a
wheelchair would be there, wolfing down
frankfurters or maybe a hamburger or a
knish. The Grand Luncheonette is gone
too—destroyed in the name of develop-
ment—and, with it, a Sabrettes wiener
with all the trimmings that only cost $1.
The next hot dog anyone will buy on this
street will cost $5, and a powerful
alliance of titan realtors called the Times
Square Business Improvement District is
largely to blame.
The TSBID was especially active in
lobbying for the new zoning amendment
that was the city’s main weapon in the
war against smut. A cornucopia of tax
breaks to the ominous tune of $666 mil-
lion was the reward for expanding com-
mercial development in Times Square.
Personally, | don’t see how the TSBID’s
scheme is good for the city’s business.
Big organizations won't want to have
their conventions in New York because
there’s nothing to do for fun.
I decide to give the Times Square
Business Improvement District a call to
see if they can account for transforming
a tawdry red-light district into a tourist
mecca.
Christine Krisch, a media liaison,
agrees to speak with me on the condition
(continued on page 162)
“And you tell your Republican friends in Congress that I'll fuck more interns and cost them their jobs too!”
iT esealtte
<A,
Pe
HOTOGRAPHY BY
CLIVE McLEAN
Devout stripper and sun worshiper
Jagg discusses her unique itual
Suddenly I real
ing to devote
> one man, I should be
to fuck him The lapsed
Catholic teases her pert nipples. “I
haven't abandoned my faith. I
Strive to be the Mother Teresa of
exotic entertainment. The
at the Golden Cave fill my G-stri
with food stamps, but I don’t care.
When I comp lap dances to dejected
Vietnam vets, | go home knowing
I've made a difference in the lives
of the disenfranchised.” Jagg
caresses her glistening box. “I used
to want a man to fill the emotional
void I have inside.” Jagg drills her
fuck tunnel. “Now I'd settle for one
who can fill my throbbing snatch.”
-
™
\
Realizing that his plane was dangerously overloaded, the
pilot of a 747 made a desperate plea for a few brave pas-
sengers to don parachutes and bail out. The pilot waited a
few moments, but no one offered to jump.
“Since there were no volunteers,” the pilot announced,
“I'll have to choose passengers alphabetically. Do we
have any African Americans traveling with us today?”
An uneasy silence filled the cabin.
“All right. Are there any black people onboard the air-
craft?”
No respons:
“Will all the colored folks please come to the front of
the plane?”
A young, black boy tugged on his father’s sleeve.
“Daddy, aren’t we all three of those?”
“No, Son,” his father whispered, “today we're niggers.”
Crelsea Clinton returned home from college on spring
break. As she and her mother strolled across the White
House lawn, Hillary posed a delicate question.
“You’ve been away at college a long time now,
Chelsea. Have you had sex yet?”
“Well,” Chelsea answered hesitantly, “not according
to Dad.”
Question: How do you find a fat girl’s snatch?
Answer: Flip through the folds until you smell shit,
then go back one.
A man walked into a bar in West Virginia and ordered a
root beer. Joe the bartender eyed him suspiciously.
“You ain’t from around here, are you, boy?”
“No,” the traveler replied, “I’m from Ohio.”
“What line of work you in?”
“I’m a taxidermist,” the man said, sipping his drink.
“A taxidermist? What the hell is that?”
“I mount dead animals.”
Joe smiled. “It’s okay, boys,” the barkeep said to the
darkened tavern, “he’s one of us.”
92 April HUSTLER
Avery and Sue were passionately kissing in the backseat
of Avery
“I know you’re saving yourself for marriage, Sue,”
Avery said, “but would you give me a blowjob?”
“You're disgusting!” Sue shrieked. “I'd never put that
thing in my mouth.”
“How about a handjob, then?”
“What's a handjob?” the young virgin inquired.
“Did you ever shake up a bottle of soda pop real hard,
then let it spray out?”
“Yes.”
“Well, a handjob’s the same idea.”
Sue wrapped her hands around Avery’s cock and jacked
it furiously, but within a few strokes, her date began to
sweat and turn pale.
“What’s the matter, Avery?”
“Take your finger off the hole!” he cried.
car.
Question: How many LAPD officers does it take to beat
up a black motorist?
Answer: None. He fell down the
airs.
Two missionaries were captured by cannibals and thrown
into a cauldron of boiling water. As the steam rose around
the doomed Catholics, the younger missionary suddenly
burst into hysterical laughter.
“We're about to be eaten by a tribe of savages,” his
companion exclaimed. “What could possibly be so
funny?
“J just peed in the soup!” he replied.
The HUSTLER dictionary defines Yom Skippur as: an
Israeli sea captain.
Dyinking buddies Pat and Mike went out one Friday
night. After the ninth or tenth bar, the two sots were tak-
ing a piss in a dark alley when Pat made a drunken reve-
lation.
“J just sprouted the biggest boner of my life,” he pro-
claimed. “I gotta go see my girlfriend right now.”
“Better let me go with you, man,” Mike slurred.
“Why?” Pat asked.
“*Cause that’s my dick in your hand.”
HUSTLER Humor jokes are sent to us by our readers. If
you've heard a gut-buster lately, why not send it our way?
Submit your jokes to HUSTLER Joke Page, 8484 Wilshire
Boulevard, Suite 900, Beverly Hills, CA 90211. Or E-mail jokes
to hustler@lfp.com. If your joke is selected, we'll
check for $50. Sorry —we cannot return subm
IF TMERE WERE JUSTICE ...
MONICA WouLD END UPSON: THE) STREET
WILL Suck
Your Dick
/
Num SLEAZEBAGS FROMIOQUTERISPAGCE
: ARE STEALING OUR IWOMEN!!
RE T BY PETER HUSTON
IN BY BRIAN SENDELBACH
ee
Sr PCS PRs “Our nation has been experiencing a panic about sexual abuse...we have
been pulled in the direction of seeing ourselves as victims. The sex-in-space fantasy fits our cultural expectations.”
Antonio Villas-Boas was plowing a field
on his farm in the north of Brazil when a
light in the sky descended and took on the
details of a spacecraft as it settled in front
of him. Villas-Boas turned his tractor
around and gave it gas, but it stalled. He
leaped off the machine and ran, but his
feet sank into the newly turned earth, and
a pair of strong arms grabbed him from
behind. Villas-Boas turned and stood
face-to-face with a tiny man dressed in a
helmeted space suit. He knocked the alien
down, but three more spacemen overpow-
ered him and dragged him to their ship.
His screams for help led only to ana-
lytical stares from the beings, who appar-
ently found his antics confusing. After a
quick discussion in a yelping, doglike lan-
guage, the group stripped Villas-Boas
naked, scrubbed his skin with a clear,
heavy liquid and released him into a side
room. Terrified, his dignity and his cloth-
ing torn from him, he fled into a corner
and vomited.
Next, a female alien entered the room;
she too was naked. She was short like the
others, but beautiful. Her smooth hair
was parted in the center and reached
halfway down her back, Her large, blue
eyes slanted outward from a small nose.
Her lips were thin, her mouth a slit.
Villas-Boas was transfixed by her high,
well-separated breasts, slender waist
and blood-red pubic hair. She rubbed
her head against his. He knew what she
wanted. He stepped between her legs
and entered her extraterrestrial poon-
tang, ignoring the strong, dank odor. He
stroked her high cheekbones, finding
them strangely tough and leathery. She
grunted like an animal and bit him on
the chin.
Suddenly the interspecies copulation
was over. The sultry alien was called
away by her comrades, who deposited
Villas-Boas in the field next to his tractor,
with his clothing beside him. The next
day, he was troubled by nausea and a ter-
rible headache. Later, his eyes burned.
Running wounds appeared on parts of his
body, leaving round, purplish scars.
. . .
When Antonio Villas-Boas told his
story to reporters in 1957, he was the first
person to recount a sexual encounter with
a being from another world. Today, such
reports, unsettling and unlikely as they
may be, are standard in the UFO subcul-
ture, particularly in the sex-crazed United
States.
An ardent, vocal core of believers
warns whoever will listen: Small men
with big eyes use advanced technology to
float their helpless, paralyzed victims
“If you're serious about making extra money, wi hy don't you start
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through solid walls to orbiting mother
ships, where sperm samples, forced rectal
probes and actual sexual intercourse with
extraterrestrials are almost routine.
A menagerie of life-forms has been held
responsible for these disturbing attacks.
Greys, slender, bigheaded aliens with
penetrating, black eyes, are the most
commonly reported intergalactic species.
Greys are notorious for the wide array of
probes they insert into various orifices to
study human sexual dynamics and pro-
creative abilities. Reptilians, scaly, slit-
eyed beasts, are known for sexual aggres-
sion and their mind-control techniques.
“Reptilians are not a politically correct
species in the UFO community, and to
admit to having sex with one—much less
enjoy it—is beyond the pale as far as the
more conservative members of that com-
munity are concerned,” says Pamela
Stonebrooke, an abductee who is writing
a book about her sensual experiences
with extraterrestrials.
Eve Francis Lorgen, a psychologist who
treats women who claim to have been
assaulted by lizardlike alien beings, ru
abductee support group in San Diego,
California. (Lorgen herself reports having
been abducted repeatedly since childhood.)
“A female abductee had an encounter
where a tall being came through an interdi-
mensional doorway in her bedroom at
night,” she says. “She became paralyzed,
and the being sexually assaulted her, all the
while putting in her mind that she was hav-
ing sex with her favorite fantasy man.”
In some locations, support groups exist
specifically for human/alien hybrids, who
call themselves Star Children. To say that
all those who claim to have been
abducted are perpetrating hoaxes is an
Skeptics insist that UFO claims and fic-
tional representations of such claims in
the media influence subsequent reports in
a chicken-and-egg cycle. Naysayers
attest, for example, that Greys were
imprinted on the national consciousness
following an episode of The Outer Limi
“Our nation has been experiencing a
panic about sexual abuse at the same time
as we have been pulled in the direction of
seeing ourselves as victims,” says Pamela
Freyd, executive director of the False
Memory Syndrome Foundation. “The
sex-in- space fantasy fits our cultural
expectation:
The space-abduction phenomenon may
fit some needs of our mass unconscious,
but intercourse with space aliens defies
everything that is known about animal
physiology.
(continued on page 106)
“Oh, shut up! First, you complain that I never take you anywhere, and then you complain that the ground is too hard!”
PHOTOGRAPHY BY MATTI KLATT
His exhibitionist girlfriend Kitty has
turned their three-day road trip into a
mobile sex show, Dirk makes an
urgently needed pit stop
You dick-crazed gutter cat,” Dirk
seethes, priming his cock with spit
“That greasy bastard in the Pacer
caused a three-car pileup watching
your titty display.”
“I only flirted with him,” Kitty
pouts, spreading her legs
“You only finger-fucked yourself in
the ass,” Dirk growls, pumping his
extroverted lover full of cock.
“I can’t help being what I am,”
Kitty whines.
“I should make you hitchhike, but
I'ma sucker for a hot slit.” Dirk shoots
his creamy wad onto Kitty’s mams.
“Especially when it belongs to a cold-
hearted whore
4 ‘S : = ext
A) - Sn ae es -
Pa a | Y
UFO Fucks
(continued from page 96)
“If | were an alien hell-bent on abducting an earthling to have sex with
and use their genes, then supermodels would be my pick. I'd avoid trailer parks like the plague.”
“Biologically, mating with aliens would
be impossible,” says Shaun Cronin of
Skeptical Skoundrels, an Australian UFO
group. “They would have had a different
evolutionary history and would have
evolved quite dissimilar sexual organs
and practices.
“If I were an alien hell-bent on abduct-
ing an earthling to have sex with and use
their genes, then supermodels would be
my pick,” adds Cronin, “I'd avoid trailer
parks like the plague.”
“Why would advanced beings travel
500 million light-years across space just
to shove a tube up my butt?” says Andy
Russell, director of the Ape Canyon News
Service and a prominent skeptic. “Given
the number of sightings, our planet has
been subjected to minute scrutiny for
decades, but the aliens only know as
much about humans as the average proc-
tologist.”
Indefatigable in the face of a chorus of
criticisms, spoofs and jokes, an astonish-
ing number of believers recount their sto-
ries with unblinking assurance.
In 1992, the Mutual UFO Network, one
of the largest organizations devoted to the
study of UFOs, conducted a comprehen-
sive research project to study the abduc-
tion phenomenon.
Aa The Abduction Transcription Project
106
found that 40% of abductees reported
sexually related intrusions. Men com-
monly reported the placement of an appa-
ratus over the testicles and penis for the
removal of semen. Women often reported
the removal of ova or the insertion of a
tiny embryo into the womb by means of a
needle through the navel.
The aim of alien kidnappers appears to
be the creation of a hybrid race, according
to their victims. A variety of self-styled
UFOlogists offer their theories as to why.
“Right now, the technology and ability
exists to abduct anyone and take sperm,
ova or tissue samples without the person
even being aware of it,” says Don
Horvath, a UFO researcher. “These may
be paraphysical beings that are attempt-
ing to gain a foothold in our world, To do
so, they must not only extract physical
substance from humans, but emotional
and spiritual substance as well.”
“It goes back to why they can’t find the
missing link,” says Heidi Black, a UFO
researcher and former abductee, from her
home in Albuquerque, New Mexico.
“Because [aliens] are trying to create a
hybrid species, which they’ve been doing
for thousands of years.”
Are these people simply kooks?
* * *
“Their hands were soft, even soothing,
April HUSTLER
but there were so many of them that it felt
a little as if | were being passed along by
rows of insects. There were clothes strewn
about, and two of the stocky ones pulled
my legs apart.
“The next thing I knew, I was being
shown an enormous and extremely ugly
object, gray and scaly, with a sort of net-
work of wires on the end. It was at least a
foot long, narrow, and triangular in
structure, They inserted this thing into my
rectum. It seemed to swarm into me as if
it had a life of its own, Apparently its pur-
pose was to take samples, possibly of
fecal matter, but at the time I had the
impression that I was being raped, and
for the first time, I felt anger.”
— Whitley Strieber
Communion
° . *
The study of UFOs has been the object
of ridicule by the mainstream scientific
community, but not long ago, the U.S.
government, the CIA and the U.S. Air
Force deemed the issue serious enough to
warrant investigations. Project Grudge,
the Air Force's UFO-investigation unit,
eventually concluded that abductees were
suffering hallucinations coupled with a
will to believe,
Mainstream psychoanalysts have taken
on clients complaining of alien abductions,
often finding that repressed memories of
incest and child abuse are transferred
onto fantasies of alien kidnapping and
sexual assaults.
In other cases, a deep-seated xenopho-
bia is coupled with the fetishization of
strangers.
“Sex with strangers, particularly dan-
gerous strangers, is a big thing in fan-
tasies, particularly for women,” says
Fiona Jerome, editor of the British maga-
zine Bizarre.
“What frightens us can be transformed
into a tingly thrill—from barbarian
hoards to white-slave traders whisking
respectable Victorian girls off to an
unspeakable fate,” says Jerome. “I don’t
see much difference between that and
people fixated on being molested by
aliens.”
“During dream states, the person
becomes more sensitive to their internal
physiology,” says Michael Persinger, a
neuroscientist and researcher in Ontario,
Canada. “In women, this can manifest as
a sensation in their deep, deep vagina.
With men, this can manifest as a sensi-
tivity deep within their anal regions.”
Persinger suggests that dream sensa-
tions may be misinterpreted as actual sex-
ual contact,
(continued on page 114)
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Hard-boiled scientific inquiry has typi-
cally focused on the search for physical
evidence, such as an artifact of nonhuman
manufacture or a material of extraterres-
trial origin.
Richard Price of Cohoes, New York,
insists that he has such evidence. “My
abduction didn’t have anything to do with
sex, except where they put the implant,”
says Price, who claims that he was
abducted in 1955 at age eight and that
extraterrestrials put an implant in his
penis. Price had the long, thin body
removed and writes and lectures about his
experience and the alien artifact.
Dr. David Pritchard, a physicist at MIT,
analyzed Price’s implant and concluded
that a cotton thread from Price’s under-
wear became lodged in his urethra and
was gradually surrounded by a growth of
collagen,
* * *
Sheila Flesch of Weare, New
Hampshire, awoke one night in 1987 in
the throes of sexual passion. She was
sweating, and her nightshirt was torn
open, revealing her breasts. “I remem-
bered I felt a weight on top of me and
something moving inside of me. I thought
it might be my husband, but there was
nothing. It seemed too real to have been a
\_ dream. s]
UFO Fucks She reached between her legs and fel
stuck in her pubic hair and glued to her inner thighs by a gelatinous substance.
Even Sheila’s pussy was sore. She
reached between her legs and felt scales,
like those of a giant snake, stuck in her
pubic hair and glued to her inner thighs
by a gelatinous substance.
Three months later, Sheila was taken
from the same bed by an unseen force.
She found herself onboard an alien
spacecraft. “They ran a scanner over
my body, and data appeared on a
screen. I was in a round chamber with
metal pipes running in deep grooves. I
was strapped to a square, metal table,
and an alien stood at each foot, looking
into my vagina, which was held open by
a sort of speculum. A taller alien, with
high, peaked eyes and a narrow neck,
slid a thin, metal pole inside me, I
looked into its eyes: They were slits, like
a lizard’s eyes. I could feel a deep
pounding, like a hammer on my cervix.
That was how they took the baby away
from me.”
* * *
Within the field of UFO abductions,
best-selling writer Budd Hopkins is fre-
quently cited as a guiding force. The 1981
release of his book Missing Time popular-
ized the notion of a sex-crazed extrater-
restrial who paralyzed its victims and
sexually violated them. Traveling, lectur-
ing, investigating, meeting potential
“Look, we've had fun, but it’s just not working out. I'd like to start seeing other breeds.”
114
April HUSTLER
(continued from page 106)
it scales, like those of a giant snake,
abductees, Hopkins attracted a following.
David Jacobs is a history professor at
Temple University, where he teaches the
only accredited course on UFOs in the
country. In his recent book, The Secret
Agenda: What Aliens Really Want and
How They Plan to Get It, Jacobs develops
his theory that cosmic space brothers are
not only raping humans as individuals, they
are raping the entire planet, with the ulti-
mate goal of creation of a hybrid species
and the enslavement of the human race.
The leader of the UFO-abduction-
research pack is Dr. John Mack, a
Harvard Medical School psychiatry pro-
fessor and Pulitzer Prize winner, who
states that aliens have “invaded our phys-
ical reality” and are “affecting the lives of
hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of
people.”
Mack believes that his patients are
being abducted and sexually abused by
aliens. “In case after case, I’ve been
impressed with the consistency of the
story, the sincerity with which people tell
their stories, the power of feelings con-
nected with this, the self-doubt—all the
appropriate responses that these people
have to their experiences,” he s:
“The difficulty for our society and for
our mentality is we have a kind of
either/or mentality,” he says. Mack sug-
gests that traditional notions of reality
may be obsolete.
In 1995, Harvard University set up a
faculty committee to investigate Mack’s
research methods, His many critics
claim that he has abandoned scientific
objectivity and misused the techniques
of hypnosis to induce false memories of
contact with interstellar beings. Harvard
closed its investigation after a year with-
out issuing a censure, but urged Mack,
formerly on the board of advisors for
Werner Erhard’s est, to use scholarly
rigor in his research.
John Mack has used his stature to lend
credibility to his astounding claims, but
the derision he draws from critics may
have more to do with the tidy income he
makes from his best-selling UFO books.
Mack even employs a publicist, PR With
a Purpose Inc., to peddle his wares.
“Horny aliens coming to Earth abduct-
ing people is amusing and, for obvious
reasons, ludicrous, but it is also mar-
ketable,” says Shaun Cronin. “Sex and
money do go well together. Throw in a
few aliens, and you have a unique story
that will hold people’s attention for 15
minutes.”
The alien-abduction phenomenon is a
cash cow. A regular procession of self-
(continued on page 162)
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‘The Deuce
(continued from page 80)
that I not quote her directly. Throughout
our talk, she is rude and abrasive, lashing
out at me for no reason. Apparently,
retired scum moppers don’t even reach the
lowest rung of the corporate ladder.
“Isn’t it true that the BID discourages
landlords to rent to sex shops?” I ask.
Krisch screeches that the TSBID repre-
sents businesses and doesn’t advise them.
“You don’t have to shout,” I say. “Do
you think it’s right that adult businesses
should be pushed to the brink of extinc-
tion in the name of development?”
Krisch spits back that TSBID has noth-
ing to do with the like or dislike of
pornography and doesn’t have a problem
with the existence of porn shops, but
doesn’t want a concentration of them.
With that, Krisch slams the receiver
down hard, possibly puncturing a portion
of my eardrum and leaving me with little
consolation.
+
The Deuce is no more. In the '70s, 8th
Avenue was called the Minnesota Strip,
after the teenage runaways who had fled
Midwestern towns and wound up there.
In the '60s and before, 8th Avenue was
the Stroll, Now I call it the Boulevard of
Broken "Hos.
Peep freaks flocked to our putrid plat-
.. forms of promiscuity. There was nothing
. *
— —_——_—_—~_—~
more exciting than ogling the love teams,
usually two junkies fucking their way to
42nd Street stardom and an early death.
Some girls had track marks; some had
pregnant tummies; some had dicks. One
dude had cerebral palsy; he had only one
functioning body part, but that was all he
needed to perform in shows. His girl-
friend had to carry him onstage. We were
the fuckin’ Addams Family, but we were
family.
What corporate assholes like the
TSBID’s Christine Krisch don’t under-
stand is that the seediness of the Deuce
was inextricably linked to our survival.
We're all freaks of a sort, and peep shows
could make us feel less alone in the
world, even if company meant transsexu-
als, midgets, bimbos and meat beaters. |
was one of them; I spent the years mop-
ping up other people's dreams; | still am
one of them.
It dawns on me as I stand across from
the gleaming spires of the New
Amsterdam theater. A tour bus of retirees
stands on line to buy tickets to G-rated
cartoons. | myself am on the endangered-
species list. A former mop man, a liv
performer, there is no place for me
new New York. Mickey has Disneyfied
my natural habitat, leaving not a trace of
sh in sight.
HUSTLER
April
i UFO Fucks
(continued from page 114)
anointed “researchers” writes “nonfiction-
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and every few years, an author captures the
public imagination and pulls down scads
of cash, as Whitley Strieber, Budd Hopkins
and David Jacobs did with their books on
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books will routinely top the best-seller
lists,” says Pamela Stonebrooke, whose
tell-all book about her fling with reptilian
aliens landed the little-known jazz singer
a reported $100,000 advance, possibly
because high sales among UFO believers
are practically guaranteed. “The flood-
gates are about to open,” she says.
Skeptics have jumped on the band-
wagon, selling their own books and col-
lecting lecture fees for their contrarian
Statements.
There may be 1,000 ways to make a
buck off the abduction craze, but simple
greed fails to adequately account for this
incredibly widespread phenomenon.
“The alleged probes into our sexual
organs don’t seem due to any alien interest
in our sexual practices or needs; they seem
interested in us as potential incubators for
hybrid production,” says Marcello Truzzi,
a prominent researcher of paranormal
claims and a founding member of the
Journal of Scientific Exploration. Truzzi
presumes abductions are fantasies, but
holds that the phenomenon is a modern
version of mystical experiences that
humans have encountered for millenn
y are more like a modern version of
ancient incubi and succubi.”
Incubi and succubi were male and
female spirits that sexually violated
Europeans in their beds during the
Middle Ages. Experiences with Chinese
fox spirits, vampires, even some Eskimo
spirits, all follow the pattern of a person
waking up, unable to move and sensing a
presence
Throughout history, humans have been
prone to experience vivid, realistic hallu-
cinations, which they explain and under-
stand by using details from the prevailing
cultural idioms.
“I think it’s inspirational that humans
and aliens can have sex,” says Martha
Bische, an abductee from Graham,
Oregon. “Is this really a symptom of
paranoid, crumbling society, or does it
mean that there can be shared pleasure.
even in spite of different genetic codes?
The universe would be too lonely without
aliens to keep us company.” @
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next month in
HUSTLER
MAY FLOWERS
Pretty pussy petals unfold in May’s HUSTLER with delec
table Venus, goddess of nymphomania. Witness Venus fritter
away her time on Masturbation Island. Throbbing maypole
madness surges ever upward with Angelique, a no-holes
barred hypno-stripper who takes on fists of dildo fury in a
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into wet, pink pussy pockets. Witness raven-haired Elizabeth
put out for her boyfriend, Drew—two outdoor-sex freaks
soaking wet with golden pee in the back of a grimy pickup
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little missy as she rears up on granny’s quilt. Papa Rod will
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WORLDWIDE PORN
Does the staid porn establishment have anything to say to
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procedure for shaking your ass and getting some.
SPROUTS
Should your appetite be whetted by this month’s extra-spe-
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for transsexual-video reviews galore. Learn how to repair a
used-up asshole in Bits & Pieces. Beaver Hunt warms up
some homemade sticky buns to sweeten the mix and glaze
your lips. May’s HUSTLER will make your pecker sprout
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