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ULTIMATE GUIDE TO SEX VIDEO GAMES 


THE INTERNATIONAL MAGA NY FEBRUARY 2006 O—« 


PET 
OF THE 


YEAR 
RUNNER 


Tricks 

Get Oiled Up 
and Rubbed 
Down! 


Are Fake Lesbians 
Hotter Than Real Ones? 
Iggy Pop 


The Godfather of Punk 
Wants to Be Your Dog 


Beer Festival 


sobre PERSONS 


mi% u 


ONTHECO 


2006 Pet of the Year 
Runner-Up Cassia Riley 


PICTORIALS 
50 VIRGIN TERRITORY 
84 FASTLANE 

Pet of the Month 

Charlie Laine 


105 pet OF THE YEAR 
RUNNER-UP 


128 sinne pretty 
FULLFRONTAL 
10 sLoopLust 


Underworld: Evolution's 
Selene vs. BloodRayne's Rayne 


iN 


12 Fucks 
Grandma's Boy star 
Allen Covert 


14 ovos 
Best new releases 


16 sounos 
Hoobastank frontman 
Doug Robb 


22 jovsnck 
Adult Arcade: the ultimate 
guide to sex video games 


28 sirens 
Fefe Dobson 


FEATUR 


30 Locker ROOM 
NBA All-Star Brad Miller 


Interview by Dave Hollander 


32 DRINKSMANSHIP 
The Great American Beer 


36 cAMETIME 


Uni 


1e names in sports, 
Miller, and more. 


AO TOTAL TRAVEL 
By Rudy Maxa 


42 vices 8 VANITIES 
By Victoria Zdrok, Ph.D. 


44 surr’s UP, WAY UP 
Big-wave surfing. Article by 
Ben Marc 


FespO0oConi 


4 PENTHOUSE.COM 


THE INTERNATIONAL MAGAZINE FOR MEN 
7 
58 RUSSIAN DOLLS 


The sexy ladies of tATu. 
Interview by Rebecca Swanner 


66 VALENTINE VICES 
Victoria's special toys 


74 GROOM AT THE TOP 
Hands-on experience: Get oiled 
up and rubbed down! 
by Alyson Zamkoff 


76 poc pays 
Iggy Pop. Interview by Chauncé 
Hayden 


83 sex DIARY 
Brits & Ass.” By Laura Leu 


100 prwinc Force 
The ultimate Corvette. By Jim 
McCraw 


122 THE PANTS GIRL 
Fiction by Rachel Kramer Bussel 


136 Her DEEPEST DESIRES 
The gifts your girl craves. 
Service by Linda Giustino 

142 stanp-up Guys 

Stephen Lynch 

interview by Bill Schulz 
DEPARTMENTS 

6 Forum 

63 DREAMS & DIVERSIONS 

71 MENS HEALTH AND FITNESS 
97 cir TALK 

98 FREEWHEELERS 

TIS TECHNOMANIA 

126 ceLEBRITY NUDES 

140 PENTHOUSE BOOK EXCERPT 
144 MILITARY AFFAIRS 

146 on THE DESK 

148 RECOVERING FRAT BOY 
150 PENTHOUSE CLUBS 


152 x-RATED VIDEO 


154 PENTHOUSE ON THE ROAD 


Orrice Mares 

A few months ago | went out 
to dinner with some cowork- 
ers. After dinner and some 
drinks, we were all feeling 
pretty good and relaxed. 
Thats when Karen came over 
and sat on my lap. We are a 
close-knit group at work, so 
this wasnt unusual. What 
was unusual was how she. 
squirmed around on my lap. 
trying to get comfortable, But 
it sure felt good when she 
ground her round ass against 
my growing erection. 

When everyone else decid- 
ed tocall ita night, Karen and 
| went on to another bar for 
more drinks. At one point dur- 
ing our conversation, she said 
that in her college days, she'd 
done some wild things, in- 
cluding two three-ways. | 
wasnt too shocked. | always 
figured she was a horny little 
thing. When | teased her 
about being into kinky sex, 
she stuck her bare foot in my 
lap. Then she began to mas- 
sage my rapidly growing shaft 
under the table. When we fin- 
ished our drinks, it was stil 
early. Karen asked me what 
was next. | left it up to her. 

Karen got into her car and 
told me to follow her in mine 
| realized that she was lead- 
ing me back to the office. We 
told security we were working 
late. As soon as we were in 
my office, | locked the door 
behind us. After that, all hel 
broke loose. We started mak- 
ing out and pulling off each 
others clothes. She pushed 
me back into my chair and 
started to give me some 
incredible head. Karen was 
on her knees, pumping my 
cock with her right hand, mas- 
saging my balls with her left, 
and working some oral magic 
around the head. Now and 


6 FENTHOUSE.COM 


then she'd stop pumping and 
take me as deep into her 
throat as she could. Damn, 
she could really suck cock! 

| pushed her back onto the 


“When I teased her about being into kinky sex, she 


stuck her bare foot in my lap. Then she began to 
massage my rapidly growing shaft under the table.” 


desk and went down on her. 
God, she tasted so sweet. | 
licked her from top to bottom, 
sucked on her cli, stuck 

my tongue inside her as far as 
| could, and stil couldn't get 
enough. | could have kept it 
up for hours, but Karen wanted 
me inside her and pulled me 
up into position. She was so 
wet, | slid right in to the hilt 

| started pumping away, and 
Karen lifted her hips to meet 
my thrusts. 

We kept up this hard fuck- 
ing for a while. Then she got 
down on her hands and 
knees so | could enter her 
from behind. | was really giv- 


ing it to her good when she 
screamed out that she 

was coming. | could feel 
Karen's contractions as she 
flooded my cock with her 


juices, but managed to hold 
back my own orgasm. | pulled 
out, rolled Karen over, and 
began licking from her slit all 
the way up to her little love- 
bud, and back again. Then, 
pulling her down on top of me. 
Itold her to fuck my face. She 
grabbed my head as she 
straddled me and proceeded 
to hump away She started 
moaning and squirming, and 
when she came a second 


time, she drenched my face 
with her gooey sweetness. 
Karen wanted me to take 
her from behind again, so 
she got on her hands and 
knees. But this time | stood, 
pulled her up by the hips, and 
gave her some long, deep 
thrusts. This was the best 
yet. She let out a guttural 
moan and said she was com- 
ing. When | told Karen | 
couldn't hold back any longer. 
she pulled away and turned 
around to grab my cock. 
She started sucking on it like 
a woman possessed until 
| exploded. What she didnt 
swallow, she let dribble 
down her chin—an intensely 
sexy sight 
Karen and | fucked for what 
seemed like hours. Our 
clothes were strewn all over 
my office, and if anyone 
had come in, we would have 
been in a lot of trouble. By 
the time we finished, it was 


early Saturday morning. We 
cleaned up the best we 
could and went home 
Although Karen feels a little 
weird about everything since 
we stil work together, know 
its just a matter of time before 
our libidos get the best of us 
When shes ready Il be 
ready. For now, | have those 
hot memories to keep me 
going —K.M, Massachusetts 
CONTINUED ON PAGE 156 


Have you seen the new Penthouse.com? Our new site has more 
than 30 years of your favorite Penthouse Pets, all the Penthouse 
videos in DVD-quality downloads—including the infamous 
Caligula—and a vast archive of sexy letters written by our read- 
ers. Go to Penthouse.com today for a free preview. 


THE INTERNATIONAL MAGAZINE FOR MEN 
Founded March 1965 by 
BOB GUCCIONE 


PENTHOUSE MEDIA GROUP, INC. 


(U.S, edition) 
EDITORIAL. 
VicePresGent/EGioro _ Peter Bloch 
Managing Editor: Barbara Rice Thompson. 
Deputy Managing Editor. — Sarah Nelson 
Music/Video-Game Editor. — Rebecca Swanner 
Sports Editor. John Bolster 
Senior Editors: Deirdre M. Goldbeck, Regina Murrell (copy), 
Jonathan Stern 
Copy Editor: = Abigail Aronofsky 


Assistant Editor: 
Contributing Ecitors: 


Heather Franks 
Rachel Kramer Bussel, Bobbi Dempsey, Linda 
Giustino, Bil Heald (motorcycles), Dave Hollander, Jim 
McCrow (autos), Ken Sander, Ernest Volkman, Alyson 
S Zamkoft, Dr. Victoria Zdrok 


ART 


Vice President/Graphics Director: 
Senior Art Director. 

Associate Art Director. 

Assistant Art Director 

Designer: 

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Art Rights Manager. 

Photo Librarian: 

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Contributing Photographers: 


Frank DeVino 
Michael F. Di loia 

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DVERTISING AND MARKETIN: 


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Director, Promotions ane Events: 
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IRCULATION 
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PRODUCTION. 


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— INIERNATIONALEDIIONS o oo 


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B PENTHOUSE.COM 


D month for 
N roses, candy 
hearts, and bloody 
vampire flicks. we 
pit Underworld: 
Evolution's Selene 
and BloodRayne's 
Rayne against each 
otherin a battle of 
SEX and stakes 


through the heart. 


Kate Beckinsale, Scott Speedman, 


Bill Nighy 
: Len Wiseman 


Jantary 20 


Kristanna Loken, Michael Madsen, Michelle 
Rodriguez, Ben Kingsley 
Director: Uwe Boll 

nuary 6 


When we first saw vampire warrior (Kate 
Beckinsale), she was busy destroying were- 
wolves and challenging her kin. This time 
a ‚and her Iycanthropic lover 
(Scott Speedman) begin to discover the 
[history of the two immortal races. 


In this prequel story to the popular video game, a 
feisty (Kristanna Loken) is out to exact 
revenge on her low-life vampire father, Kagan (Ben 
Kingsley), who raped and abandoned her mother, 
leaving the “dhampir” (half-vampire/half-human) 
Rayne to fend for herself. 


Bather-and-iatex bodysuit is sexy. We 
fits cold in Eastern Europe, but we wish 
ered Up quite so much. 


Since the film takes place before the invention of span- 
dex, she wears a skimpy leather number that's both flex- 
ible and form-fitting. 


Advantage: Rayne 


Michael Wille on the receiving end of some vamp 
lov Hs Ma Soene that involves the removal of her 
2 bi We assume they do it doggie-style. 


Raynes bisexual tendencies and her sex scene with 
Sebastian (Matt Davis) are hot as hell. But Meat Loaf 
seducing real Romanian prostitutes? Not so much. 


Advantage: Selene 


JOuttted With fangs, pistols, throwing stars, anda 
rossbow, She has plenty of backup to handle her 
furry foes. 


She's armed with a pair of razor-sharp blades that are 
as big as swords, but her chiseled canines work just as 
wellin a pinch. 


Advantage: Selene 


¡Selene always manages to land on her feet, no 
matter how big the leap or complicated the jump. 


Though she's a pro in horseback riding across the 
countryside, she's also skilled in martial arts and other 
impressive-looking flippy maneuvers. 


Tie 


Known for the brutal treatment of her enemies, Rayne snacks on a handful of innocent bystanders, but 
Selene is likely to annihilate hordes of werewolves at for the most part, she's focused on slaughtering her 
a time with her deadly crossbow. father’s army. 

Advantage: Selene 


[Untlenvoric Evolution. T h 


intensity 


FULL FRONTAL FL IOS 


FEATURE PRESENTATI: 


Gilmore 


4 ‘overt has done a day's work on almost every Adam Sandler 
film He's been a homeless. caddy, a rhinestone-gloved limo driver, and 
a bald, overweight roommate. In Grandma's Boy (out January 6), 
Sandler's college buddy finally gets to be the dignified leading man— 
even though he's a video-game tester who lives with his Nana. 


Is your grandmother 

happy for the shout-out? 
She's just happy because | have 
a girlfriend right now. She's like, 
“Yay! Maybe | wont die before 
you get married." 
There are a ton of cameos in 
this flick: Kevin Nealon, David 
Spade, Rob Schneider ... 
| call this the "Covert Is Calling in 
Every Favor" movie. Behind the. 
scenes, | was calling everyone | 
know and going, "Hey, its only 
five weeks—you're going to come 
and work for nothing." 
In the movie, your weed dealer 
has an attack chimp. Does ape always equal funny? 
Anything with a morkey, | automatically laugh. We actually 
had a wardrobe fitting for the monkey. The minute | saw him 
in the karate suit, Im Ike, "I don't care if Im on the poster as 
long as that is, because that is one of the greatest things Ive 
ever seen in my Ife." 
Speaking of greatness, you smoke an unholy amount of 
weed in this movie. 
Let me tell you, we smoked the grossest fake [pot]. | dont even 
know what it was, but it looked like pot. There's this scene where 
| put too much in, and | couldn't clear it. | literally did three takes 
in a row, and Im lke, "I cant finish this!” Everyone kept saying 
"You have to finish it! You're the weed guy!” | would go home at 
night and my lungs would be burning. Especially [after] those 
big joints we were smoking. 


SNEAK PREVIEW 


Unlike beer, cars, 

or fast food, 

the gory video _ 
same Demonik 
that's featured 

in Grandma's 

Boy is one product 
placement that 
actually entices us. 


12 PENTHOUSE.COM 


is poised to be the first big hitfor Xbox 360. Unfortunate 

wait unt this fall to play it Wri 
by John Woos production company, D y 

suggesis—a demon! To walk on mortal ground, you have to wait until you 


The game your character 
creates is soon to be a hot. 
Xbox 360 title, Demonik. 
How’d that happen? 

We didn't have any money to 
create our own game. | said, 
"Why dont we just send the 
script to a bunch of game com- 
panies and ask them if they'd 
letus use some footage?" 
Majesco called immediately 
We were working off a beta ver- 
sion because the game wasnt 
ready for the Xbox 360. 

Did you become an expert 
gamer for the role? 

The movie made it seem like | was the greatest game player 
there is. Im going to have all these 14-year-olds challenging me 
to games, and Im going to have to be like, "Look ... | suck at 
Halo." lm more of a Zelda guy. 

Where did the fake games in the film come from? 

We sat there one day making up games. We decided that 
every game would just be brutally violent. Like Canada Must. 
Die. We made the poster, and its just some Canadian guy with 
his hands up, surrendering as everything Is getting blown away. 
‘There's one poster of a game called Unicorn Derby. Its lteraly 
these unicorns gouging each other with their horns. 

How would you rate yourself as a gamer, with one being a 
casual geek and ten being a Sith Lord? 

Im about a seven. ma total dork. My guilty pleasure is Super 
Mario Bros, 


¡l have to 


by master of horror Clive Barker (+ 


ful human, until finally yo 
ware cl insects hu bn 


ies, andcausing hell 
Kémon instead. 


makes a second on-screen appearaı 
vehind Woo's directing lens.—Rel 


Japanese poetry seems 
Much more erudite 
—Kara Wahlgren 


(February 10) 
Alyson Hannigan, Fred Willard, Jennifer Coolidge, 
Aaron Seltzer 


James Franco, 
Tyrese Gibson 
Justin Lin 


Navy wannabe 
Gets into Academy, 
Has lowsel-esteem, 


Like Scary Movie y 
Except wilh Meg Ryan ficks 
And that band-camp chick. 


Colin Farrell, James Franco, 
Christian Bale. Sophia Myles 
Terrence Malick Kevin Reynolds 


Explorer John Smith Knight falls for princess, 
Romances Pocahontas. But unknowingly becomes 
She's 15, pervert! His dad's wingman. Oops. 


Samuel L Jackson, 
Julianne Moore 
JoeRoth 


Moore's son disappears. 
Racial tension ensues, but 
Jackson saves the day! 


EHFULI FRONTALDDVD5 


NEW RELEASES 


Messiah Manson 


jw Imagine the definitive 

E Charles Manson book, Helter 
‘Skelter, reinterpreted in the year 
3069 as a biblical tome, with Man- 
son (voiced by Green Day's Billie 
Joe Armstrong) as the Messiah, 
Now imagine it in stop-motion ani- 
mation, with songs penned by 
Rancid lead singer Tim Armstrong 
and performed by Billie Joe and 
the Go-Gos Jane Wiedlin, Live 
Freaky! Die Freaky! ($30 for DVD/ 
CD combo) is even more bizarre 
than what you're picturing, Additional 
voices are by Asia Argento, Benji 
and Joel Madden of Good Char- 
lotte, and other members of Green 
Day, Rancid, and Blink 182. 


14 PENTHOUSE.COM 


If crilics have their way, Terrence Howard's perfor- 
mance as a pimp/aspiring rapper in Hustle & Flow 
($30) is about to make him an Oscar nominee. And 
Since nobody but critics saw it, here's your chance 
for redemption. It includes commentary from direc- 
tor/writer Craig Brewer and behind-the-scenes docs. 


Fright or Flight 


The thriller Red Eye ($30) lands with a making-of doc- 
umentary, interviews with the cast and crew, a gag reel. 
and a documentary on director Wes Craven. There. 
are also behind-the-scenes features, like how various 
planes were assembled to make the movie's 767. 


[Sonic Youth 
The Tomorrow Show: Punk & New Wave ($30) fea- 
tures some of the most groundbreaking artists at the 
height of the punk era, including performances by 
andinterviews with the Ramones, Elvis Costello & the 
Attractions, the Jam, Joan Jett, Patti Smith, and Iggy 


Pop. (Check out our interview with Iggy on page 76.) xe 


Go West, Young Man ERA 


Sam Peckinpah's Legendary Westerns Collection HN 
($60) boasts four of the director's best. The newtwo- |} 
disc Wild Bunch has three new documentaries, add- 
tional scenes, and outtakes. And theres Ride the 

High Country, The Ballad of Cable Hogue, and a two- 
disc special edition of Pat Garrett and Billy the Kid. 


MER 


aS 


The Aristocrats ($30), a celebration of the dirtiest joke 
of ali time, arrives with a commentary track, two 

new jokes from the "Be an Aristocrat” amateur con- 
test winners, and additional footage from the likes 

of Whoopi Goldberg, Jason Alexander, Lewis Black, 
Sarah Silverman, and pom star Ron Jeremy. 


VALENTINE'S VIDEOS 


LOOKING FOR LOVE . 
No man should have to sit through Titanic 
more than once (Kate Winslet barely cov- 
ered is barely a reason). Instead, see if your 
girlfriend canfind some “aww” quality in 
Hellboy, the story of a love triangle between 
a mysterious firestarter, a demon spawn, 
andhiskeeper. 

Other monster flicks, from Swamp 
Thing to Creature From the Black Lagoon, 
can also qualify as love stories. Those bad 
boys just needed a hug. And, occasionally, 
the taste of human flesh. 

For a slightly warped tale of true love, try 
Grosse Pointe Blank. Modern men all know 
there's wisdom in Lloyd Dobler, but John 
Cusack as Martin Blank wraps the romance 
in contract killing and black humor: the two 
pillars of any successful relationship. 


LOOKING FOR LUST... 


You're not likely to get anywhere with the 
average girlfriend by touting the romantic 
nuances of porn. Not on Valentines Day, 
anyway. As an alternative, we suggest the 
once-infamous Last Tango in Paris or the 
more contemporary 9% Weeks (perhaps 
Quilts, for the advanced kink). 

For something a bit newer, check out 
Swimming Pool. This sexy thriller got rave 


reviews, which should help you plead your 
case, and the unrated version has full-frontal 
nudity that was excised for the theatrical 
release, 

Secretary might seem like Its all about 
Maggie Gyllenhaal being spanked, but at its 
heart Is the story of two lonely people who 
find satisfaction in a relationship that others 
can't understand. It may well be the most 
female-friendly master-and-slave coupling 
ever caught on film. 

The unrated version of the Spanish flick 
Sex and Lucia, the tale of a writer whose 
fantasies about various relationships make 
him suicidal, provides some of the most 
explicit sex scenes in recent cinema. 
There are even a couple of erection shots, 
which is helpful if your girlfriend believes in 
equal-opportunity on-screen nude scenes. 


LOOKING FOR SYMPATHY... 


If getting her emotional is what gets her 
between the sheets, there's always Dead 
Poets Society (a special-edition DVD with 
new bonus features hits store shelves this 
month), Brian's Song, or the sob-worthy Old 
Yeller. Since these are three of the only films 
thata man can cry through without looking 
like a pussy, you can impress her with your 
sensitivity and not worry about what she's 
telling her friends. 


By Barbara Rice Thompson 


QUICK PICKS 


Hill Street Blues 
The tough police drama 

that changed cop shows 

and paved the way for NYPD 
Blue finally makes it onto 
DVD. Season | ($40) includes 
all 17 “day-in-the-life-of-a- 
precinct” episodes, commen- 
tary tracks, deleted scenes, 
and a featurette. 


The release of the 1966 
series about the govem- 
ment's time-travel program 
has been eagerly awaited by 
sci-fi fans. Volume 1 ($40) fea- 
tures 15 episodes, the original 
unaired pilot, and promos. 


Ferris Bueller's Day Off 

The new Bueller... Bueller ... 
edition ($20) is as lame as 
learning about the Smoot- 
Hawley Tariff. We're hoping. 
for some kind of reunion Save 
Ferris version in the future. 


These new UMD releases for 
the PSP will brighten even the 
most tedious commute: 


E FULLFRONTAL2SOUNDS 


Q&A 


Hoobastank 


Y Doug Robb, lead singer of Hoobastank, 

was put out of commission with a case of 
bronchial pneumonia while on tour with Velvet 
Revolver last year. Now, he's recovered and is 
back to writing songs about war, self-reflection, 
and "intimate times.” 


What is the difference between your new album 
and The Reason? l've been reading that it's more 
mature, 

| hate when | hear that word mature. As people, | don't 
think we're any more mature. You don'twantto do the 
same thing over and over and over. You gotta explore 
different things. 

Suchas? 

How about how everybody has the capacity to lead 
their own life, whether its your career or your relation- 
ships or your religious beliefs. I've always been a 
strong advocate of making up your own mind and not 
being influenced by outside forces. In light of politics 
and even entertainment, | feel like our society is 
becoming more sheepish 

You've never latched on to a movement? 

| think everybody does. I'd be lying if [I said] I've never 
done anything without putting absolute thought [into it. 


16 PENTHOUSECOM 


Do you explore that on the new record? 

There are so many songs on this record that stemmed 
straight from that. It sounds so cheese-ball, but you 
can accomplish pretty much anything you want to in 
this life if you just try 

Anything you've taken away from your time with 
Velvet Revolver? 

Velvet Revolver.. .. Four of the five guys were the 
coolest, most down-to-earth guys ever. Butone guy in 
that band was justin his own world. 

Could that be Scott Weilaı 
Yes. [Laughs] He didnt say "hi" until three weeks Into 
the tour. | don't want to get into it because, honestly, it's 
not even worth my time, There are people like that 
and then there are just normal people. So between 
that, watching the news and ESPN, and aspects of 
my own life, | ended up writing "If | Were You." 
Sometimes the things we don't like in other peo- 
ple are what we don't like about ourselves. 

True. When | wrote the song, | wasnt really thinking 
about myself until read it about a month later [and 
thought], You know, I do a lot of these things. 

Tell me about getting the drill sergeant in the studio, 
Itwas Captain Dale Dye. The first guy we went to was. 
[R. Lee Ermey] from Full Metal Jacket. We wanted him 
because he has such a recognizable voice, He's very 
pro-war—probably wears American flag pajamas, 
which is fine, but that's the antithesis of the song. 

Did you ever want to join the military? 

There was a part of me that was interested, | took the 
Armed Services Vocational test when | was a [high 
school] senior so | could get out of a couple of class- 
es. | remember scoring so well that for the next five 
years, the Navy kept calling me. 

Was it weird recording without bassist Markku 
Lappalainen? 

Attimes it was really strange because we'd been 
working with him for a decade. But once | understood 
that we were going to do things a little differently. 

it went pretty smoothly and it was actually pretty en- 
joyable. 

Are you still looking for his replacement? 

Were playing with this guy Matt McKenzie who's a 
friend of our drummer's from a long time ago. 
Nothing's set in stone. He's not officially the new bass 
player or anything, but all summer we've been playing 
these shows and it's almost like a trial period. 

Would he have to endure an initiation? 

[Laughs] | dont think there'll be anything shoved up 
his ass. 

Speaking of, what is “Inside of You” all about? 

Its all about sex and someone getting under your skin 
and really grabbing hold of you. Its the curveball in 
the album. [There are] these heartfelt and thought- 
provoking themes, [then] all of a sudden theres a 
song about fucking. 


By Rebecca Swanner 


REVIEWS 


YoungBloodZ 


Ev'rybody Know Me (LaFace) 
For their 


ome packing a crew of pr 
i Scott Storch. The club-friendly t: 


le will keep any party going until 


FTN Cat Power 
SARATE The Greatest (Matador) 


When singer/songwriter Chan Marshall chose to p 


M 


alongside legendary soul musicians on The Greatest, even 
he might not have known how well their bluesy sound. 
t her 


would ice. The result is a sleep 


The Big Bang (Interscope/Aftermath) 


After guesting on the Pu: Dolls’ singl 


-pradiced ta nd guest sur (ke o'a a Tp.suiz | | The Strokes 


th : Ir M in on «d ar in Bin de tri a veck out First Impressions of Earth (RCA) tick 
It was now or never, Though a sophomore 
Hard-Fi record is when a band proves if they're justa 
: one-hit wonder or a group with staying power, 
for A MENO itn te EHI itis traditionally the third album where they decide 
Mk out of Britain--and with ason. Th to either break their mold or stay the course. The 
Jem-day, suburban amalgamation of the Clash, th opening bass line of the first single C"Juicebox") 
ipecials, and Pulp with heartbreakingly good songs like sounds like a continuation of /s This It? and Room on 
‘Cash Machin Fire, but by the second track, the record carves out 
Fivespeed its own voice, On the rest of the album, the Strokes 
(led by producer David Kahne) incorporate influences 
Morning Over Midnight (Virgin) from disparate genres that include electronica and 
{won't win any awards for breaking the hard: noise rock. There's even an extended guitar solo 
ut If you're a f bands like Cold or Stain ‘on “Heart in a Cage.” Unlike the previous two efforts, 
ant at home tengo frontman Jar frontman Julian Casablancas sounds distant, almost 
net bored, through most of the record. His apathy opens 
the listener to his lyrics of exasperation and sarcasm 


r pissing off your gir 


UNDER THE RADAR in songs like “Razor Blade,” where he sings, “My feel- 
ings are more important than yours / your feelings 

Adrenaline-pumping rock isn't what you'd expect from Momingwood's are more important, of course.” Though First 

sexy lead singer, Chantal Claret, but thankfully, that's what you get on the Impressions won't command immediate attention, 

New York band's debut record. On Morningwood, this friend of Sean the risks the band take should prove fruitful on 

Lennon's channels Joan Jett and Kathleen Hanna to give us a record that albums to come. 

is both visceral and totally danceable. If we danced, that is. Penthouse Pick: "Electricityscape" 


i—The Goalkeepers 
Revenge (Matador) 


—Unpredictable (J) 
t —Keasby N 
Part 2 Victory) 


Your girlfriend might like: 


—Pretty Little He 


NOTABLE MENTIONS 


di 


Black Flag 
Damaged 


TURBONEGRO may have a politically incorrect name, but don't hold it against them—they're foreign. Whether 
they're decked out in denim or police uniforms (think of them as a cool Village People), these Norwegians are bent on 
saving rock'n' roll. Bassist Happy Tom (in the sailor outfit) was happy to tell us about the old-school records that matter. 


L 
Bruce 
Springsteen 

Bom in the USA 


This album 


18 PENTHOUSE COM 


JO o panes MIL 


Iggy Pop 
Kill City 
hest. 


Randy Newman 
Little Criminals 


Tendencies 
Suicidal 
Tendencies 


Bad Brains 
Bad Brains 


The Clash 
Give 'Em 
Enough Rope 


Promotion 


Rebecca's Picks 


50. John 
Coltrane "111 Get 
By (As Long 

ASI Have 

You" 


49. Dave. 
Brubeck "What 
Is This Thing 
Called Love" 


48. John Lee 
Hooker "Crawlin 
King Snake" 


47. Agnostic 
Front "Liberty" 


46. MLA. 
"Galang" 


45. Oval 
"Aero Deck" 


44. Bratmobile 
“tm in the Band" 


43. Dang 
Doom "ATHE" 


42. Woody 
Guthrie "Jesse 
James 


41. Kittie 
“Brackish" 


40. Tarika 
"Matata" 


38. NOFX 
“What's the 
Matter With 
Parents Today?" 


37. Sun Ra 
"Demons 
Lullaby" 


36. Thelonious 
Monk 
Brilliant Corners" 


35. Operation 
Ivy "Sound 
System" 


34. Princess. 
Superstar 
"Coochie Coo" 


33, Vince 
Guaraldi “Linus 
and Lucy" 


32. Death by 
Stereo "| Give 
My Life 


31. Ozomatli 
"Who Discovered 
America?" 


30. Arab Strap 
"New Birds" 


29. Dizzy 
Gillespie "Hc. 
Beeped When He 
Should Have. 
Bopped" 


28. My Life With 
the Thrill Kill 
Kult “A Daisy 
Chain 4 Satan" 


27. Sister 
Wynona Carr 
Weather Man" 


26. Converge 
Last Light" 


Ways to Fill Your iPod Player 


17. Green Day | 8. The 
THE HIVES Ernst Honorary Title 
Holden “Bridge and 
Caulfield?” Tunnel" 


, Yvt^ | 15. ouiet riot 


Cum on Feel the. 
Noize" 


“Hate to Say | 15. The 
Told You So! Presidents of 
the United 
24. Poe "Angry | States of 
Johnny America “Dune Ryan Adams 
Bugay ne Pick Me 
23. Milemarker Up" 
"Shrink to Fit" 14. Annie. 
"Heartbeat" 6. Frank 
22. Bob Marley Sinatra "When 
"There She 13. Violent You're Smiling" 
Goes" Femmes 
iss Oft" 5. Johnny Cash 
21. Interpol Hey, Porter" 
"PDA" 12. The 
Explosion 4. The Distillers 
“No Revolution” | “City of Angels" 
11. The Strokes Matin 
“The Modern 
Age" 
2. Rancid 
10. Ying Yan “Radio” 
Twins “Wait (The. 
20. Thievery Whisper Song)“ | t. Pixies "Here. 
Corporation Comes Your 
The Heart’sa | 9. Refused Man" 
Lonely Hunter" | "New Noise" 
19. Public 
Enemy “Bring 
That Beat Back" 
18. Alkaline 
Trio “This Could 
Be Love" 


To get 50 free downloads, visit www.emusic.com/ph 


emusic. 


Msc Tiat accum an Crech Caraare rei. CopranteMiccom Ine 2005 ic aredsterad trademark, esc n AY Hors esae, Poa isa registered denar ol Apple Campo. c appels net a parmar or 
AS 


E FULLFRONTAL2SOUN 


“We're doing big things!" No doubt this was the catchphrase of the week. But Rene McLean's Power Summit in the Bahamas 
was one of the biggest hip-hop events of the year—so what else should I have expected? From Kanye We: ate listening 
party to getting close to the Pussycat Dolls, here are some of the highlights. 


Fromleft: Jin, 
Pussycat Doll 


N Juel 


Busta 
Rhym 
and Kan} 


SEPTEMBER 28 x 


1:30 nm: Touchdown In paradise. Five hours ago, I L Midnight: Common, Busta Rhymes, Stat Quo, and the 
New York City with Young Jeezy and Redman. Now : Pussycat Dolls grace the stage, despite the passing sh 
Island ful of palm trees and hibiscus-eating lizards OCTOBER! — 
8 nm: Its time to hit the Sony Connect Remix cocktall party, where slick 
remixes of Tony Yayo's "So Seductive" are bumping. I end up hanging 5PM: At Busta Rhymes listening party, | find out that l 
with Kerry Brothers, Allcla Keys’ producer boyfriend and the cofounder — à4XL shirt to get Inside. Im fve-one—this Is ridiculous, Busta walks 
pieta us through the record, Including four Dr. Dre-produced songs. Near 
Midnight: Ive been up since sh, so t's time to crash and hit Ihe beach {he end of almost every track, he shuts off the music and shouts, “Ate 
the morning y fucking with me?” No, Busta, were not. Promise 

8 nm: Finally after three days of American hip-hop, the Heineken 
SEPTEMBER 29 House Party features reggae from both chart-topping artists and local 
50 pm.: Over at the pavllon, Redman Is playing his own character in musictans, Though rumors of A Tribe Called Quest and De La Soul 
Tue Crime: New York City. Before he tears up the stage, |sitdown and performances were squashed, Black Sheep busted out “Tk Turner 
hammer through a few triager-happy missions before Sean Paul took c house. 
7 n: Rap Impresario and keynote speaker Russell Simmons talks to 10 pm.: At Napster's 5 le, British M.C. Profes 
a rapt crowd about the status of hip-hop and politics, hilarious, but after he chot etis down to a battle between 
8:30 rm.: During the Def Jam dinner, Ne-Yo, Corey Gunz, and Teairra reigning champ Jin and Serius Jones. Jin mops the floor with Jones 
Mari perform before Jay-Z presents Simmons with the Lifetime and gets the cash. But there's another moment of suspense when Jin 
Achievement Award. Afterward, there are performances by Ghostface — challenges Jones to a rematch for $10,000 of his stake. Unfortunately, 
Killah, Young Jeezy, Juelz Santana, Redman, and Kanye Jones doesn't materialize and the offer expires, 
SEPTEMBER 30, OCTOBER 2 
Noon: Atthe resorts c kout center, | sweat out the alcohol a few — 1 pm: Stuck In the customs Ine, | end up chatting with Grammy winner 
treacimils away from Pussycat Dolls’ frontwoman Nicole Scherzinger. Rhymefest, who cowrole "Jesus Walks” with Kanye West. We tak 
S rm. On the way to the Good Music listening party, I get stuck behind about what it was Ike for him to come up In the rap world 
some angels and the rest of Common and Kanye Westsentourages. 2 rm. Both Jin and Jones are on the flight back to the United States, 
Once inside, West picks up the mic and lays down some sick rhymes and everyone starts calling for a rematch of last night's battle, Afta 
with his protégé GLC the "big things” that w weekend, nothing happens, 


From simple chains to giant B 
pendants, almost everyone was y 

sporting ice of some sort. What. 

Wealth belongs to ... 

1.Sean Paul 3. Juelz Santana 


2. Busta Rhymes 4. Kanye West 


JEWI 


20 PENTHOL 


Ed FULL FRONTAL»JOYSTICK 


22 PENTHOUSE.COM 


1. VIRTUALLYJ! 
Gameplay 
The controls are a bit awkward, and its occasion- 
ally difficult to get the right visual angle, but the 
abject of the game—to make your porn-star beauty 
come—is pretty easy to full, Except for Jenna. 
Jameson herself, who Is nearly impossible to get off 
Sexiness W 10 

You cant go wrong with a game where you're 
ableto have sex with five diferent Club Jenna 
girls, Play as one of two male characters, or 
match up the girls for some strap-on dildo action. 
The additions of the come-shot tool, anal beads, 
and the ability to switch between vaginal and anal 
penetration made the game a blast. The only 
thing we didn't ike was the first person camera. 
We'd rather be doing the porn star, not being 
done ourselves. 


By Rebecca Swanner 


3. RuMBLE Roses (PS2) Konami 
Gameplay MEEME 

Ir resting a female scares you 
more than wrestling a male, or you 
don't have the sack to set up an 
Old Schoor-style bout in your 
basement, here's your chance to 


2. Leisure Suir Larry: MAGNA Cum LAUDE— 
Uncur AND Ut 'C) Vivendi Universal 
Gameplay 7 

Frat-guy humor and a slew of mini-games help 
out the storyline of this classic, hapless char- 
acter. Even without hard-core boning, Its got 
everything college has to offer: drunken nights, 

h 


OTOH y cb coool cd wei ber besito 
Full nudity, sex toys, stripteases, lesbians, Sexiness MI 


bukkake (a Japanese 


"sex" with "no sex." 


4. GRAND THEFT AUTO: SAN ANDREAS 
(Xbox, PS2, PC) Rockstar 

Gameplay ENNENENNN 10 
California can be one scary place, what 
with the actors, thugs, and cosmetic sur- 
geons, At least this game has a great sto- 
ryline and enough destruction to make us 
forget about the thespians. 

Sexiness ALE) 

The infamous "hot coffee" module lets. 
you enter a woman's apartment for cof- 
Tee—which Is Just code for sex, It's 
always a nice surprise when we expect 
anonfat mochaccino and end up with 
a hummer. 


Hook Up 3D 


much more make this Leisure Suit Larry a 
raunchy romp through college life. Reminds 
us of our college days—if you replaced 


7. Hook Up 3D (Online) 


Gameplay 8 
This online game pushes the 
boundaries of computer match- 
making. Though it stil has a hand- 
ful of bugs, tll be worth download- 


Its like cybersex, except you can 
actually see what you're doing 
Fit with your partner, then get it 
on! Enjoy having sex (oral or oth- 
erwise) in a variety of positions 
(from missionary to cowgirl) in 
Teal time, and live out your fan- 
tasies on-screen 


These eu f Sr Bed 
slammers show off their detailed goods in 3-D glory while 
dressed as nurses and cowgirls. Dominate your thong- 
wearing opponent and make her blush, then switch to mud 
wrestling and get dirrrty. 


6. Toms Rainer (PS, PS2, Xbox, Xbox 
360, PC, Sega Dreamcast) Eidos 
Gameplay NEBEENEEENN S 

This polygon-bullt beauty first captured 
our hearts in 1996 with her teensy shorts 
and archaeological skill 
Sexiness BUBB "8 
Everyone wants to see Ms. 
Lara Croft in the buff, so 
don't blame us for staring 
when the camera acci- 
dentally locks on her 

tiny waist or perfectly 
shaped butt. And 

it didn't help 

when the devel- 

opers enlarged 

her, um, assets. 

Hopefully, some- 

day those grunt- 

ing noises she 

makes while 

climbing will be 

for us. 


art form), and 


5. OUTLAW Gor 2 (PS2, VERBERE 

Gameplay NEEENNEENN 

Who doesn't love wreaking fete with 

golf carts and laying the smackdown on 

‘opponents? 

Soxinoss BEBESEEENN 8 

Here's what we know: Catfights are 

hot, If those catfights involve a scanti- 

ly clad babe giving her caddy a hot- 

and-heavy lap dance while hitting her 

T face with her breasts, all the. 
etter. 


B. DEAD or Alive: XTREME Beach VoLLeYBALL (Xbox) Tecmo 
Gameplay Mi 28 

DOA is known for its beautiful women, great graphics, and 
fun gameplay. This spin-off is equally fun, even though the 
bikini-clad girls are playing nice instead of going for the 
brutal finishing move. 

Sexiness Mi 7 

Watching these video vixens jiggle their goods in skimpy 


"6 


swimsults is everything professional volleyball should be. 


23 


9. THE Sims 2 (PS2, Xbox, GC, PC, Mac, 
PSP DS, GBA) EA 

Gameplay W| LE: 

Now equipped with dreams and smarts, 
the Sims have become more sentient, but 
also more demanding 

ine: LLITITTI II BZ 


In the standard version of the game, you 
can get two female Sims to make out 
Add the Nightlife Expansion Pack and 
get ready to steam up car windows or 


10. SINGLES: Furt Up Your Lire 
(PC) Eidos 
Gameplay Wi m6 
Imagine The Sims with less character 
variety, more sex with your roommate, 
and almost no taking out Ihe trash 
Sexiness Ni m7 
Roommate hookups always end poorly. 
butits fun to see if you can get the two 
virtual ones in this game to go at it. 
Unfortunately, watching the singles 
squirm under the sheets Is about as 
raunchy as this game gets. 


FULL FRONTAL» JOYS TICK 


TI. ENTER THE MATRIX 
(P52. Xbox GC. PC, PSP DS 
meplay I 
he oanenlay controls are dena; but 
were stuck playing as Niobe or Ghost 
instead of "the One." 

Sexiness MANI 


GBA) Alari 
5 


E 
We always approve of girl-on-girl action, 
even if it's just Monica Bellucci (Per- 
sephone) kissing Jada Pinkett Smith 


efile hot tubs, (Niobe), Now with tongue! 


12. Goo or War (PS2) SCEA 
Gameplay Mi 


Killing mythical beasts like the hydra and 
slicing up enemies with twin blades make 
this one of the best sword-and-sandal 
games we 
Soxiness 
The mini-game where the hero = lomake 
à pair of sexy twins orgasm is funny, brief— 
and offscreen. 


Heux (PS) Eidos 
m7 


3 


15. KıLer 7 (GC) Capcom 

Gameplay WEEE m8 

The schizophrenic cel-shaded game's creepy 
monsters and semi-complex puzzles made this 
title one of our summer favorites. 

Sexiness BHEBEEREENS 

Naughty nurses are great, but when they're 
grinding on wheelchair-bound Harman Smith, 
we wonder, When are we going to get our turn? 


Gameplay I 
As in Fear Effect, you play the trigger-happy 
brunette Hana, who carries out assassina- 
tion missions with her colleague Rain. 
Sexiness 6 i ) 
The two hot heroines kiss on occasion. 

And while you get to see the blonde Rain in 
her underwear, she's strapped to an alien- 
like torture machine out of a bad anime 
film. Which may or may not be your thing. 


14. BMX XXX (PS2, Xbox, GC) 
Acclaim 
Gameplay NI 
The bike action isnt nearly as intense 
as some of the hotter BMX titles, and 
much of the game revolves around. 
collecting items to Abe a 
Sexiness 
Transport Scores aem to fair 
club or meet up with a friend in 
multiplayer mode for a stripper 
challenge. Hint: You both win. 


16. Mojo Master (Online) Gert 
ameplay HEEE 

Become the Mojo Master by colecing the phone numbers of 

100 girls. Not surprisingly, wearing AXE products in this AXE- 

sponsored game helps your success rating 

Sexiness LI 5 

The girls are smoking, but the closest you'll get to them is 

placing a pen in their hands, If you're into getting slapped, 

though, this is the game for you 


BOOK art courtesy of GameSny.com 


24 PENTHOUSE.COM 


KbyGamescom 


Night Tap box ari onurasy ol 


17. Fetish Ficurens (PC) BRZGames 
Gameplay E ma 
The long loading times kill any of the 
games fun, but the idea of making a 
naughty nurse kick a bunny gir in the 
head is intriguing. 
Sexiness LI LES 

When a character loses a round, she has 
to strip down to her bra and panties. Like 
most live-action female wrestling. this 
would be sexy if the women weren't so 
blocky. 


18. Sprung (DS) Ubisoft 
Gameplay Wi LIES 

Though there are limited graphics, this fliting game 
is primarily text-based. lts strangely addictive, 
butone can only click through the limited conversa- 
tions so many times. 

Sexiness 4 

Becky and her girlfriends are hot, but the art- 
work you can unlock doesnt rock. Neither does 
the fact that there's hot-tub action you're not 
privy to. 


19. FeeL THE Macic: XY/XX (09 Sega 
Gameplay 
The game tested the DS's capabilities by making 
us use the stylus. When we had to blow and yell 
into the machine, the challenges quickly got hard. 
Sexiness W LLE 

Beating the mini-games unlocks different hair- 
styles and clothes for your girl. We just wanted to 
see her naked and make her giggle by touching 
her in inappropriate places. No, we didnt care 
that shes just a silhouette 


20. Sex Terris (PC) Auric Vision 
Gameplay BENBEENEEENS 
Matching naked people up is more fun 
than blocks, right? Too bad the blocks 
only fit together in standard, non- 
masochistic positions 

Sexiness Mi a3 

Yes, the pieces have sex when you line 
them up properly, but their moans sound 
like muffled cries tor help. 


21. ULrima VII: THE BLACK GATE 

(PC, Super NES) Origin 

Gameplay MM! m6 

The Ultima series ly impossible to beat, 
but this standout of the role-playing franchise will 
provide you with at least a few days’ worth of 
frustrating fun 

Sexiness BBEBENEEEER2 

Visit the baths in the land of Britannia, and you can 
getit on with one of the shapely young attendants 
Unfortunately, there's no voyeurism 


Poo 22. BueBLE BATH Bases 
(Nintendo) Pane 
Gameplay Mi 

Similar to Dr Mario, except 

y with bubbles and tits instead 
of multicolored pills and 
menacing viruses. Its also 
totaly acct 

Sexine 2 
een making 

all the bubbles didn't do it for 
us. Maybe add a visibly 
aroused Mr. Bubble, and you 
have yourself a game. 


23. Nicht Trap (PC) Acclaim 
Gameplay NEBREEEHEE 1 

Your job is to protect Dana Plato and her 
friends from vampires that are trying to get 
inside their house. The acting 
Is so horrific, youll swear 
Plato died from shame 
instead of an overde 
Sexiness MN 
Though there are many 
rumors flying around Night 
Traps naughtiness, seeing the 
girls in their nightgowns is as 
far as it goes. Snore. 


24. Beat’Em & EAT 'EM 
(Atari 2600) Mystique 
Gameplay Mi 
The goalis to correctly n isdem 
catch come 
Sexiness Mi 
Not a tum-on—even with naked, glant-breasted 
women. And the guy frowns when he comes. 
That says a lot. 


25. METAL GEAR SOLID 3: SNAKE EATER 
(PS2) Konami 

Gameplay NNENENENNN10 
Stealth-based attacks and gener- 
ally being a badass are all part of 
what makes this first-person 
shooter so great. 


WeVe heard 
den feature, but the only thing 
we found was Solid Snake beat- 
ing off. Does he finish? Well 
never know. 


| FRONTALAMJOYSTICK 


BEST IN SHOW} 


' 13 


(Xbox, PS2, PC) Eidos 


The fourth title in this series doesn't sub- 
scribe to Biggle's adage of "Mo money, 
mo" problems." For assassin Agent 47. 
cash from clean hits is king, and you can 
spend it anywhere you want. From cus- 
tomized guns to secret information, show 
the Benjamins and it's yours. As you make 
your killings, figure out why other hitmen in 
your agency are getting bumped off left 
and right. But be careful —even though 
new moves like climbing and ledge-crawl- 
ing will help you evade the smarter 
guards, the blood from your victims leaves 
@ nasty, trackable stains. And no, pretreat- 
ing them won't help. 


(Perfect Dark Zero) (Star Wars Battlefront t KOddworet strangers Wrath) (Enter tho Matrix) 


26 PENTHOUSE.COM 


Advanced Warfighter 
(Xbox 360, Xbox, PS2, GC, PC) Ubisoft 


Though you're known as "ghost 
soldiers," your mission isn't to 
scare other squads into submis- 
sion. Instead, you play one of 
the hardened commandos who 
are sent into the heart of Mexico 
City in 2013 to establish control 
over the war-torn city. As you pre- 
pare to take down the shadowy 
enemy, cutting-edge weapons 
and advanced squad tactics will 
come in handy. 


USE YOUR THUMBS 


Our Favorite Handh 


(Xbox 360) THQ 


In some ways, this game is a 
Grand Theft Auto rip-off, Like In 
GTA, you can steal cars and kill 
ze Innocent pedestrians using a 
variety of weapons. But white- 
collar crimes—like an 
Insurance-fraud mission 
where you have to. 
injure yoursell—and 
the ability to trick out. 
your cars and gear 
put this game in a 
niche of its own. 


(Xbox 360, Xbox, PS2) 2K Sports 


2K Sports' foray into college ball 
is a slam dunk—even if it doesnt 
show the players sweat like in 
EAS basketball titles for Xbox 
360. As in most college basket- 
ball games, you'll be able to run 
the court in March Madness and 
shout plays courtside as the 
coach. The game's edge over 
other NCAA titles is evident in 
online play, where you'll have 
access to deep stat tracking and 
online leagues. 


eld Games 
" 
ý 


(DS) Majesco (PSP) Now Production (DS) Majesco 
For the first time in this remarkable 
fighting franchise's history, you'll have 


the opportunity to play any of the 21 


Whether you see yourself as a merci- 
less Genghis Kahn, a rebellious Joan ability to find your way out of a paper 
of Arc, or a brave Richard the Lion- bag! Winning these graphical chal- 
heart, you'll have the chance to act out lenges probably won't help you get characters in the series. In arena 
your historical fantasies in this strategy into Mensa, but these more than 100 ^ mode, use the DS's Wi-Fi to compete 
game. Travel through time completing — brain-benders will gauge your aptitude against other gamers until you're the 
missions, or play the Empire Map and — for solving puzzles. Our goal? Notto last one standing. If you crave even 
topple opponents with your strategic — rank last on the worldwide list that’s more, the next title in the series 
know-how. available online. arrives on the PSP this spring. 


Finally, a game that validates your 


27 


rr” 


^. 


ag .£ 
¿TA 


You probably 
missed her self-titled 
debut, a record put 
out when this 20- 
year-old Canadian 
rocker was a POP 
princess. But 
now, after two years 
and a bad breakup, 
she's showing her 
claws—with help 


from Joan Jett. 


By Rebecca Swanner 


Your latest record, 
unday Love, is much 
grittier than your first. What 
changed? 

| had so much time between the 
first and second albums. | went 
through a really bad breakup and 
expressed that on the album. 
[The recording] was over a period 
of seven months, so there are 
breakup songs and songs where 
we made up. 

What are your favorite songs 
on Sunday Love? 

love "Scar" and "Get You 
iet You Off" is just a fun 
rocking song to perform. It's gota 
great beat. 

This record is definitely more 
“rocker chick" than "pop 
punkster.” 

| wanted to have my influences 
shine through more—like 

Joan Jett. She's someone Im 
inspired by. She gave me some 
words of wisdom that | think 
really helped me. 

What were they? 

Don' be afraid to get up there 
and rock out and make mistakes 
and be a chick with attitude. And 
don't apologize. 

You worked with Veruca 
Salt's Nina Gordon, too? 

Yup. She was awesome. | was 
really trying to go for a riot grrrl 
vibe on some of the songs. 
When | first met Nina, she was 
so bubbly. | was like, Shes in a 
rock band? But we began writ- 
ing together, and this great 
energy started beaming 
through. She's an amazing per- 
son to work with. 

Who are your inspirations at 
the moment? 

Blondie, the Ramones.. .. | got the 
movie Rock 'n' Roll High School a 
long time ago, and was always 
singing that song. We actually do 
a cover of "Rock 'n' Roll High 
School" onstage. 

When did you start writing? 

| had been songwriting since | 
was young, but it really started 
with the piano when | was 13. 
[Before then] | used to write and 


“| think it's 
funto 

play hard to 
get. [A man] 
knows that 
if you really 
want some- 
thing, you 
have to go 
forit and 
have no 
apologies 
about it. " 


make up melodies without any 
instruments. It was odd. [Now | 
use] the piano and guitar for writ- 
ing. My goal is to take them to 
another level. 

When did you first perform 
for an audience? 

| sang "Greatest Love of All" by 
Whitney Houston at a talent 
show. My mom dressed me for 
that performance, and It was 
very, very bad. 

Why? 

She put a sequined butterfly shirt 
on me, and | had my hair 
wrapped around my head like a 
halo. 

Sounds like you were always 
à good girl. But for this 


album, you're more of a rebel. 
Its natural for anybody to keep 
changing and evolving, because 
they're really trying to find them- 
selves. | think its fun to change 
things up and not slick to one 
thing. | went through a phase 
where black was the only thing in 
my closet 

And it seems you like tattoos 
and piercings, too. How many 
do you have? 

| have five piercings—three in 
one ear, one in the other, and one 
eyebrow ring. Then | have three 


tattoos, My first was a little heart 
on my ankle. A very little heart, 
the size of a dime ... then | made 
it bigger. 

Sexy. | guess you weren't a 
girly-girl growing up. 

Twas a tomboy, | climbed trees 
and played football. | was a good 
quarterback. The guys always 
picked me because | could throw 
à good ball—a high, fast spiral 
Now | like playing dress-up and 
having fun. It depends on my. 
mood. 

Does that figure into your 
song “If | Was a Guy"? 

| think there are no boundaries, or 
at least there shouldn't be bound- 
aries, on a woman trying to do 
what a guy can. 

Were you influenced by No 
Doubt's “Just a Girl”? 

That's so funny because | wrote. 
it with the same person— 
Matthew Wilder did the Tragic 
Kingdom record. So when we 
wrote ["If | Was a Guy"], we were 
just sitting there and we start 
laughing. He's like, "It's the 
opposite of ‘Just a Girl,’ " 
Everyone is comparing you 
to Gwen Stefani and Avril 
Lavigne. Who would you 
compare yourself to? 

Joan Jett, Stylistically, she was 
great; musically, she was great. | 
look up to her and just hope | can 
be respected like her. 

| love the song “The Initiator.” 
Do you like to initiate? Or do 
you like to sit back and let 
guys come to you? 

It really depends. Sometimes I'm 
the Initiator, and sometimes 

I'm like, "You make the move." | 
think ¡ts fun [for the guy] to play 
hard to get because you have to 
win their affection. [A man] 
knows that if you really want 
something, you have to go for it 
and have no apologies about it 
Do you get really stupid 
Canada-related questions? 
Yeah. Like "Do you guys always 
say 'eh'?" and "Does maple 
syrup really grow out of trees?" 
and "Do you like hockey?'o4— 


29 


ERROOM 


You were an All-Star for the 
East in 2003 and the West in 
2004. Any difference? 

In 2003, | got to play with 
Michael Jordan. 

Phoenix Suns 12th man 
Paul Shirley claimed in his 
NBA blog that Miami crowds. 
have the highest “use of sili- 
cone per capita.” Accurate? 
I'd say Mami and L.A. are 
close. 

Shirley stopped short of 
naming names for his NBA 
All-Ugly Team. Who would 
make yours? 

There are a couple of Euro- 
peans who would lead the 
way, But I'd make it more of a 
Big Head Club. Vlade [Divac] 
was the captain of that. We 
actually measured head sizes 
and weighed them—his head, 
Mike Bibbys head. There's one 
Chinese guy inthe league— 
not Yao [Ming]—and a big 
Russian for Dallas who's got a 
pretty big melon. 


How'd you measure heads? 
We used tape measures and 
actually put 'em on the scale, 
and got accurate measure- 
ments of each others heads. 
How do you feel about the 
new NBÀ dress code? 

Its not that bad. They could ve 
made it a lot worse. They 


By Dave Hollander 


JE 


made it sound like [It was 
going to be] a suit and tie 
every day and on plane rides. 
Butthey made it reasonable. 
Has the new regulation 
affected you personally? 
All it means is to stay away 


"Y d make a Big He. 
was the captain of 
sizes and weighed 


{rom being hurt because 
thats the times you gotta wear 
a suit on sidelines. | take itas 
motivation to stay healthy 

If you made the dress code, 
what would it be? 

Oh, God. Camouflage would 
be the mandatory color. 

The NBA hired LeAnn 
Rimes and Big & Rich for 
the halftime show at the All- 
Star game last season. Will 
the league keep going coun- 
try in 2006? 


| got no problem with that. I'm 
a country fan, Big & Rich are 
awesome, and LeAnn Rimes 
Just gets better and better. 
Add a little Tim McGraw— 
though hes doing Monday 
Night Football now. 


Is today's NBA too physical? 
You got a few guys who try to 
get as strong as they can, 
pushing everyone out df the 
way. Its a part of the game— 
donit mind 

What tricks of the trade did 
you leam from tough-guy 
Charles Oakley? 

Dont back down from ary- 
one. Get your teammates 
back. [Oakley] got my back in 
the fight with Shaq in 2002, 
and [ll always remember that. 


ad Club [in the NBA]. Vlade [Divac] 
that. We measured 
them—his head, Mike Bibby's head.” 


head 


What goes through your 
mind when you watch the 
tape of Shaquille O'Neal tak- 
ing a swing at your head? 
Glad he missed. 

Why would anyone call you 
a dirty player? 

| Just play hard. A lot of people. 
dont want to set picks. The 
way | play Is part of the game. 
When is the best time to 
commit a flagrant foul? 
When you're really pissed off 
and you want to make a point. 
You dont want to hurt any- 
body—just send a message. 
What do you think of the 
NBA's new minor league, 
the NBDL? 

They should've done that a 
long time ago. We've got kids. 
coming out of high school. 
They're just not ready. It's bet- 
ter for them to be in games 
instead of Just playing in prac- 
tice. Nothing compares to a 
game situation 

The Seattle Supersonics 
hired Dean Oliver, author of 
Basketball on Paper, to 
measure player efficiency 
through statistics. How 
accurate is that? 


Its not accurate at all. A good 
player on a great team carit 
be judged by statistics, Look 
at Bruce Bowen. He's not 
putting up huge numbers on 
paper, but hes a very impor- 
tant part of the San Antonio 
team. Hess got two rings. 
Now that the NBA has 
addressed its image, after 
25 years, will your old 
Purdue coach Gene Keady 
change his comb-over? 
[Laughs] No comment. +a 


30 PENTHOUSE.COM 


Well Versed in Thirst 


Cri Carn 


eer Festival 


"For fuck's 
sake, I'm 
not Dumble- 
dore.” 

Bev Black- 
wood 
dresses 

as Saint 
Arnold at 
the Saint 
Arnold 
Brewing 
Company 
booth. 


Last September marked the 24th 
anniversary of the Great Amer- 
ican Beer Festival, a three-day 
tasting and competitive brewing 
event in Denver, Colorado. It 
gathered 370 breweries, 1,600 
different beers, and nearly 30,000 
very thirsty people, The crowd 
consisted more of good-time beer 
fans than hard-core connois- 
seurs. For every person who 
studied brews for their bouquet, 
clarity, and flavor, there were fun- 
seekers who wore pretzel gar- 
lands around their necks and 
T-shirts boasting | BUILT THIS BELLY 
1202. AT A TIME. Think Super 
Bowl tailgate party-meets-wine- 
tasting soiree ... without the 
football or the attitude. 

The most amazing thing about 
the Great American Beer Festival 


32 PENTHOUSE.COM 


wasn't just the number of beers 
on hand, but the incredible selec- 
lion that America's brewmasters 
are turning out. Santa Rosa, Cali- 
fornias Third Street Aleworks 
brought a supply of Cerveza de 
Santa Rosa Chile Ale, an amazing 
pepper-based beer with a slow 
start and a fiery finish. Smuttynose 
Brewing Company's Pumpkin Ale 
was sweet and spicy; Big Daddy 
Espresso Stout, a coffee-based 
brew filtered through fresh beans. 
from the Twisted Pine Brewery, 
was an eye-opener: and high- 
alcohol beers like Sam Adams’ 
Millennium had a proof close to. 
that of lighter American wines. All 
the varieties went a long way 
toward refining our palate and 
making us realize that beer isn't 
just for funneling. 

Throughout the hall, good 
advice flowed along with the 
good beer. The Brewers Associ- 
ation, which organized the festi- 
val, offered a full schedule of 
events designed to educate and 
entertain beer novices and 
experts alike. Between cooking 
demonstrations on pairing beer 
with food, appearances by 
authors of popular beer books, 
and beer-themed musical per- 
formances, all aspects of brewing 
culture were covered. 

The high point of the festival 
was the connoisseur tasting, a 
four-hour marathon held during 
the presentation of gold, silver, 


and bronze medals for beer 
excellence in 69 categories. The 
winning beers were chosen by a 
select group of judges who sam- 
pled them in blind taste tests dur- 
ing three five-hour sessions. After 
the winners were announced, 
attendees were encouraged to 
stop by the winning booths, con- 
gratulate the victors, and, of 
course, sample. Here are some 
of our favorites: 


Penthouse Picks ___ 


Gonzo IMPERIAL PORTER 
(Flying Dog Brewery) 

From America's coolest brewery 
comes this tribute to one of 
America's coolest writers: the late 
Hunter S. Thompson. Malty and 
strong, GIP weighs In at a very 
gonzo 9,5 percent alcohol by vol- 
ume. A limited-edition 750-ml bot- 
tle, with the label signed by 
Thompsons longtime cohort and 
illustrator, Ralph Steadman, was 
issued to help pay the cost of 
blowing Hunter's ashes out of a 
cannon 


CENSORED ALE 
(Lagunitas Brewing Company) 

A perfect example of your tax 
dollars at work. This vaguely 
sweet ale, originally called The 
Kronik, received a new name 
after the Bureau of Alcohol, 
Tobacco, and Firearms rejected 
the label. (All beer labels must be 


Event photos by Rob StuehridAP Photo 


By Eric Danville + Photographs by Nicholas Eveleigh 


GET 
BARE! 


Be original this year, send her the Creative 
Alternative to Flowers — a Bear-Gram gift 
Over 100 Bears to choose from, each 
delivered with gourmet chocolate and 
a card with your personal message in 
our famous gift box. 


VermontTeddyBear.com 


1.800.829.BEAR 


34 PENTHOUSE.COM 


Beer fact: 
Recent 
studies 
have shown 
that hops 
may help 
prevent 
some types 
of cancer. 


DRINKSMANSHIP 


approved by the ATR) Lagu- 
nitas resubmitted the original 
design with a big CENSORED 
label across the front as a 
friendly "fuck you." To their 
surprise, the ATF approved it 
Unlike our "We Run a Meth 
Lab" Stout 


ARROGANT BASTARD ALE 
(Stone Brewing Company) 
The tagline of this dark-red 
brew is "You're Not Worthy,” 
Take that as a challenge and 
prove your mettle. It's malty, 
sweet, and packs a definite 
punch with an impressive 7.2 
percent ABV. If this is your first 
drink of the day, take a sec- 
ond to feel the alcohol course 
through your body. 


HopTICAL ILLUSION 
(Blue Point Brewing Company) 
As the name suggesis— 


hoppy, with a slightly fruity 
undertone—Hoptical Illusion 
was one of the nicer India 
Pale Ales we sampled. Extra 
points went to the label, a 
beautiful piece of psychedelic 
art that was reportedly de- 
signed by the same person 
responsible for a pro sports 
logo. If we revealed their iden- 
tity, we'd have to kill you. 


ScuLLER's IPA 

(Skagit River Brewery) 

This hops-happy India Pale 
Ale pours well, has a pushy 
bouquet with a nice taste, and 
ends with a good, clean finish 
Dont let the hazy color throw 
you. It's crisp and definitely 
worth a swallow. And with a 
label this cool, Scullers wouldnt 
be out of place in a mutinous 
crew of manly men and 
wenchy wenches, 


TO PASS UP 


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This Month in Sports: The Stats, the Scores, the Skinny 


PENTHOUSE 
TOP 10: Athletes Names 


, As Texas split end Limas Sweed, Southern Cal defensive end Frostee Rucker, 

and Virginia Tech end Omar Hashish wrapped up their college football seasons, 
we got to thinking of all the great names in sports history. From Dick Trickle 
(race-car driver) to Vitamin Smith (ex-NFLer), there have been so many quality 
monikers that we had to make this a Top 10 (given names only; no nicknames). 


Bronko Nagurski (right): Just 
sounds like a fullback— and the 
Bears bruiser was a great one. 


Stromile Swift: The Rockets" 
new forward is al-name. 
Houston hopes hes all-D, too. 


Earthwind Moreland: 
Journeyman cornerback played 
with the Jets, Browns, and Pats. 


Sonny Sixkiller: Appropriately 
badass name for sharpshooting 
Washington Huskies QB. 


Jarvis Redwine: Seventies 
country-rock band, or former Ne- 
braska running back? 


Teppo Numminen (bottom 
right): The sixth Marx Brother, or 
underrated NHL defenseman? 


1. M. Hipp: This former Ne- 
braska Comhuskers running 
back certainly was. 


Baskerville Holmes: Hounded 
‘opponents as a guard for 
Memphis State in the 19805. 


Scientific Mapp: Former Florida 
A&M guard edges his brother, 
ex-Virginia guard Majestic. 


God Shammgod (left): 
Of his role as point guard at 
Providence, Shammgod said, 
“m a creator.” 


Honorable Mention: Merton Hanks (ex-NFL), Rusty Kuntz (ex-MLB), Dick Pole 
(ex-MLB), Scooney Penn (ex-NCAA basketball), Webster Slaughter (ex-NFL), 
Saku Koivu (NHL), Milton Bradley (MLB), Cleo Lemon (NFL). Nebraska football 
could have its own Top 10, with Thunder Collins, Octavious McFarlin, Wonderful 
Monds, and Monte Christo all having wom Husker red. 


Miller hopes to 
be the first American. 
man since Tommy 
Mov in 1994 to win 
Alpine gold. 


Miller Time 


Raised on 500 acres of New Hamp- 
shire woodland, in a home without run- 
ning water or electricity, U.S. skier Bode 
Miller is different from you and me. He. 
has an unorthodox, breakneck style on 
the slopes, and you can bet he will 
express an against-the-grain opinion 
on almost any topic. Take what he said 
about the endurance-booster erythro- 
poetin this past fall: "I'm surprised 
its illegal because in our sport, it 
would be pretty minimal health risks. 
And it would actually make it safer for 
the athletes because you'd have less 
chance of making a mistake at the 
bottom and killing yourself. You have to 
make four or five decisions every 
second in skiing, every turn—con- 
scious decisions—plus there's another 
hundred that are instinct. And when 
your brain starts to slow down, as if 
you're holding your breath for two min- 
utes, it makes it damn hard to make 
those decisions." 

Needless to say, these comments 
didn't go over well with the powers that 


be In the sport. But Miller's announce- 
ment that he will compete for the 
U.S. at the Winter Olympics in Turin, 
Italy, which start February 10, was 
a relief after his public squabbles with 
the skiing establishment following his 
triumphant 2004-05 World Cup sea- 
son. Miller became the first American in 
22 years to win the World Cup overall 
title, and the first skier since Luxem- 
bourg's Marc Girardelli in 1989 to win at 
least one World Cup race in each of 
the four standard Alpine disciplines: 
slalom, giant slalom, super G, and 
downhill 

Anyone who doubts Miller's athletic 
credentials is referred to the 2002 
Superstars competition at Jamaica's 
Half Moon resort, where Miller cleared 
the ten-foot climbing wall in an aston- 
ishing two-step vault, leaving NFL line- 
backer LaVar Arrington in the dust— 
and the events announcers in stunned 
silence. In Turin he'll be gunning for 
gold to go with the two silver medals he 
won at Salt Lake City in 2002. 


By John Bolster 


Sports IQ 


Think you know sports? Test your 
knowledge, then stump your bud- 
dies with the questions. 


Which college football program has 
the most bow! victories? 

A. USC C. Penn State 

B. Alabama D. Florida State 


2. Which NFL franchise has the most 
playoff victories? 


‘Two NFL teams are tied for the most 
playoff los: 


Can you name them? 


4. Who was the last American man 
to win the Australian Open tennis 
tournament? 


During a 2002 hockey game that 
tured five fights, | planted a kiss on 
teammate Mark Recchi when the 
arena ‘Kiss Cam" alighted on us on the 
Who am |? 


ue eirudjepejud au 
JO prueoy Kuieier “s (6002) isseBy 
eupuy + “(yore pz) ejoseuuw 
pue sino 1g ‘£ ‘(ze) serea 
uosees moq 90-5002 ey, eioJeq 
Sum 62 UUM) GL 'SHIMSNY 


37 


GAMETIME 


| Endangered 


Species . 


Ifyour team falls behind early during 
the NFL playoffs this month, it might 
want to make football's equivalent of a 
pitching change: swapping out the 
starting QB for the backup. Then again, 
your team probably doesn't have a 
quality backup to call on. Its an over- 
looked by-product of the NFL's new age 
(that of free agency, the salary cap, and 
parity): The solid backup QB has gone 
the way of the dodo, Teams can't 
afford them anymore. 
Back in the day, most fran- 
chises had a reliable veteran 
holding that clipboard on 
the sidelines, not an un- 
tested rookie or a shaky 
Journeyman. The Balti- 
more Colts had the great 
Johnny Unitas starting, 
and the clutch Earl Morrall 
behind him. The Dallas Cow- 
boys started Roger Staubach, 
but had Danny White in reserve. 
The list goes on. In 1992, the 
Buffalo Bills made the greatest 
comeback in NFL history, ral- 
lying from a 35-3 deficit in the. 
AFC wild-card game against 
Houston to win 41-38 in 


| overtime. The hero of that record rally? 


Backup QB Frank Reich. Morrall 

came on in relief of Bob Griese for the 
bulk of the Miami Dolphins’ undefeated 
season in 1972. The Dolphins had 
another legendary backup in Don Strock, 
who engineered many a comeback, 
including the one in Miami's game for the 
ages against San Diego in the 1981 play- 
offs. The 'Phins fell short in the end, losing 
41-38 in overtime, but Strock brought 
them back from a 24-0 deficit. 

Suppose Peyton Manning goes 
down with an injury this postseason. 
The Colts will give the ball to some- 
one named Jim Sorgi (below, No. 12), 
That's a far cry from Joe Montana's 
understudy in San Francisco—Steve 
Young (at left), recently enshrined in 
Canton, Ohio, 


Have you 


noticed this? Paul McCartney is a prime example. With his drooping jawline 
and softened features, the guy known as the “cute Beatle” in the sixties 
has morphed into a woman. Some prominent sports figures have the condition, 
too. Call it manopause. You can see the effects below. 


38 PENTHOUSE.COM 


LONG -TWINS 


za 


Ozzie, Ozzie, Ozzie! 


Ittook Marat Safin of Russia three finals to win an Australian 
Open, He reached the championship match of the event in 
2002 and '04 before he finally won it last year. The man he 
defeated in that final, native son Lleyton Hewitt, can find 
Inspiration in Safir's perseverance, Hewitts quest to become 
the first Australian to win his country's Grand Slam event 
since Mark Edmondson in 1976 continues, and he'll take 
another crack at it beginning January 16, Hewitt may break 
through this year, but the smart money is on Roger Federer, 
who will be looking to take the season's first Slam—en route 
to joining Don Budge (1938) and Rod Laver (1962, '69) as 
the only men to win all four Grand Slam tournaments in one 
season, Federer has won five of the past eight majors. 

On the women's side, we're pulling for ultra-hottie and 
2004 Wimbledon champ Maria Sharapova, but she'll face 
stiff competition from defending champ Serena Williams, 
2005 U.S. Open champion Kim Clijsters, and last year's run- 
ner-up, Lindsay Davenport, among others. 


On the Record 


toughness is to 


as four is to one.” 


—Texas Tech basketball coach Bobby Knight 
Would bring joy to the Land of Oz. 


39 


The Ultimate Source for Hot Spots and Cool Bargains 


Want to sit next to a hottie on your 

next flight? A new service called 

AirTroductions hopes to gamer a large 

‘enough membership so that it can sit Ike- 
minded strangers together on flights. The site 
hopes to attract travelers who want to make 
business connections as well as social ones. 

"Having taken over 500 flights in the past four 
years, | can count on one hand the number of 
times I've been seated next to someone | actual- 

ly wanted to talk to,” said Peter Shankman, 
founder of AirTroductions. Shankman, 33, runs a 
public relations and marketing firm in Manhattan. 
He started his Website because he wanted to 
find a way to select his seatmates. 

Thousands of flyers have already visited 
‚AirTroductions.com and filed out a profile (pic- 
tures are optional). Most of the early members 

were men, but there are now a fair number of 
women, such as Sharonn, a 35-year-old, sin- 
gle New Yorker whose black-and-white photo, 
heavy on the blonde mane and cleavage, 
looks ike something out of a Manhattan gos- 
sip column. 
You can choose your interests from a list, 
then type in your flight details. The Website 
searches for another member booked 
on the same flight. If a match is 
found, you can arrange with 
the airline for adjacent 
seats. 


Credit cards that earn air-travel 
miles for every dollar charged 
are the most popular ones in 
use, but what if you don't want 
or need airline miles? Take the 


money and run. 

A handful of card issuers are 
battling for your attention with 
other bonuses. The Chase Cash 
Plus Rewards Visa gives you five 
percent cash back on your pur- 
chases at gas stations, grocery, 
and drug stores, and one per- 
cent back on all other charges 
Another card with an overly long 
name, the Citi Dividend Platinum 
Select MasterCard, does the 
same. 

Pick up a TrueEarnings 
American Express card through 
Costco and get three percent 
back on all restaurant expendi- 
tures, though the refund is only 
good for shopping at Costco. 
MBNA will deposit a refund of two 
percent of all purchases into a 
529 college savings account. 

Is a three- or five-percent 
refund per dollar spent better 
than earning an airline mile? Yes. 
The value of an airline mile is 
generally only one or two cents 
when it comes time to cash in 
miles for a ticket. 


40 PENTHOUSE.COM 


By Rudy Maxa 


Going through a bad breakup? In Chicago, 


the Loews House of Blues Hotel has the perfect 
antidote to a romance gone sour. Book a 
“Heart-Burned Hotel” package at $415 a night 
per person and treat yourself to: 


Ill Suite accommodations 
E Two blue martinis upon arrival 
Bi A session with a psychic 


E A copy of the best-seller Be Honest—You're 
Not That Into Him Either 


Bi In-room spa treatments, including massage 
and a manicure/pedicure 


E Two comped cocktails at the Kaz Bar, where 
the singles scene is hot 


The House of Blues Hotel is right by Chicago's 
Magnificent Mile. The “Heart-Bumed” offer 

is good until March 31. For further details, call 
877-569-3742. 


If you've always wanted to fly in style to Europe but can't afford 
round-trip tickets of $10,000 or more, there's good news. 

A bevy of new, all-business-class airlines has sparked a fare war 
among carriers flying between New York and London, the busiest 
international route. 

Newcomer Eos Airlines (EosAirlines.com) recently began offering 
business-class-only seating (with 21 square feet of personal space 
and a fully reclining seat) between New York's JFK and Londons 
Stansted Airport for $3,250 each way—about $1,000 less than larg- 
er competitors full fare, business-class rates. 

Another upstart, MAXjet (MAXjet.com) offers all-business- 
class service, also between JFK and Stansted, with fares as low 
as $779 each way. However, the airline's seats dont fully recline 
into beds 

The new competition has caused fares to drop among the legacy 
carriers. British Airways, for example, responded in the fall by 
offering tickets between New York and London for as low as $2,477 
each way on certain low-demand days. Thats a savings of a 
couple thousand dollars. January and February are traditionally the 
cheapest months for flying between the US. and Europe, when 
Coach seats go on sale for less than $300 round trip on major routes. 


Dream on! 
You'll never sleep 
in comfort, but 
fare wars are mak- 
ingit cheaper 

to travel business 
class to Europe. 


The blood-alcohol limit that 


qualifies as drunk driving in the 
United States is .08. Keep these 
even harsher numbers in mind 
f In counties famous for alcohol 
consumption, such as France, 
Belgium, Italy Ireland, Germany, 
Australia, and Spain, the legal limit 
is. 66. In Sweden and Norway its 
02, And in Hungary and the Czech 
Republic. youre a drunk driver if 
Me you have any alcohol in your sys- 
$ tem when stopped by a cop. 


n 


Be careful in these cities and states, where talk- 
ing on a cell phone without a hands-free system 
while driving will earn you a fat fine: 


E New York 


E New Jersey 

E Connecticut 

W Washington, D.C. 
E Chicago 


Sex From Zto A 


GETTING 
TOME! 

If you have a 
question, 

a story, a sex 
toy for me, 

or justa (nice) 
comment, 
please visit 


e-mail 


or send snail 
mail to Dr. 


Penthouse, 

2 Penn Plaza, 
Suite 1125, 
New York, NY. 
10121. 


ASK DOC ZDROK 


Is Bigger Better? 


Ive dated two women with large. 
clits-more than an inch long— 
and! assumed that would be the 
feminine equivalent of the nine- 
incher. But these ladies definitely 
did not like to be complimented on 
their size. If women Want us to pay 
attention to their clits, why do they 
‚get so offended when we talk 
about them? —D.B., Washington 


In case you havent noticed, unless 
youre referring to her breasts, she 
generally doesnt believe bigger is 
better [ve never been embarrassed 
by my naturally big clitoris, but for 
women who are shy and concerned 
about the look of their genitalia, hav- 
ing a prominent clit only exacer- 
bates their anxieties. The next time 


Victoria Zdrok, 


you come across a chick with a 
large cit, the best compliment you 
can give is a good tonguing, 


Know Your Enemas 


I've always had a thing forene- 
mas, and Ive discovered that many. 
women really dig them, too. My part 
ners and I have experimented with 
different positions, and Ive made the 
‘experience more pleasurable by in- 
serting my fingers into their vaginas 
and rubbing their citorises untl they 
hadan orgasm It seemed to drive 
them wild. How do you feel about 
enemas, Dr. ZN, New York 


| personally do not use enemas as 
foreplay, but | can see why many 
wcmen (and men) would find them 
arousing. Enemas stimulate the 
anal orifice, which many find excit- 
ing. The sensation is amplified by 
the feelings of physical surrender 
and excitement surrounding sexu- 
al taboos. But be careful not to use 
them on your partner too often, 


since overuse of enemas can dis- 
turb the natural muscle actions of 
the bowel and lead to health prob- 
lems. It's just like booze and junk 
food: No matter how good it feels, 
moderation is best. 


The Final Frontier 


During sex, can the head of the 
penis get past the cervical cap into 
the uterus itself? | have heard that if 
youcan enter this area, the cap 
closes Ike a vise and you experi- 
encea hellof an orgasm! ld Ike to 
bea pato! this last sexual frontier 
How do Ido if? RJ, South Dakota 


You dont. Hell, just thinking about 
a penis in my uterus is painful! (It 
could be painful for you, too. The 
lasttime | had an IUD inserted, | 
wanted to kick my OB/GYN in the 
balls!) The cervical orifice is 
plugged with mucus, which pro- 
tects the uterus from dirt and for- 
eign objects Ike, say. your penis. 


“Pve been enjoying my bisexuality for years—there’s nothing 
wrong with being attracted to men and women. Hey, 
‚it doubles your chances for a hot date on a 


Its too small to alow even a finger 
to enter. Sperm can swim through 
the mucus, and they're tiny enough 
to get through the cervix. The only 
time the cervix opens is during 
childbirth, when getting laid is just 
about the last thing on her mind. 
Give up this crazy idea and look for 
another sexual frontier to cross. 


Hard to Get 


| am tired of constantly chasing 
women. Why do they play hard to 
get? —PW. Alaska 


They think that’s what men want. 
We subconsciously think of men 
as hunters and women as prey, 
and research shows that men pre- 
fer some resistance. Women who 
give in too easily are perceived as 
being loose. We also want to make 
sure we really Ike you before we 


Saturday night!” 


sleep with you, since casual sex 
has greater consequences for us— 
like a higher STD tisk, violence, or 
unwanted pregnancy. Besides, 
playing hard to get is inked to 
good ol resource extraction: We 
get you to pay for dinner and buy 
us gifts before we put out, Dont get 
pissed at us— its evolutionary. 

Even female spiders require a 
“copulatory gift” of a fly before get- 
ting it on with a male paramour. 


Girl to Girl 


Im a woman whos played it 
straight my whole life. But lately, Im 
aroused by other women. | find 
myself getting turned on by soft 
porn. (Youre my favorite!) My hus- 
bands cool about i, and actually 
indulges my fantasy by finding pic- 
tures of women he thinks Il 

like. This has spiced up our sex 
life, but Im confused. Is this noth- 
ing more than me opening my- 
self up sexually without bound- 


aries? Or am | bisexual and dont 
know it? —L.M., Connecticut 


More than 80 percent of women 
say they become aroused by 

the thought of making love to 
another woman. And research has 
shown that many women who 
deny bi-curious attraction exhibit 
signs of arousal when shown 
lesbian erotica. It does not neces- 
sarily make them gay or bisexual; 
those are just labels. Sexuality is 
not a dichotomy—its a continuum 
from gay to straight, and from 
straitlaced to kinky. I've been 
enjoying my bisexuality for years— 
theres nothing wrong with being 
attracted to men and women. 

Hey, it doubles your chances for a 
hot date on a Saturday night! 

So enjoy your newfound erotic 
stimuli, and feel free to check out 
my naked photos anytime! 


42 PENTHOUSECOM 


By Victoria Zdrok, PhD, 


(and Undress) 
Your Valentine 


1. Dine by candlelight. This isn't 
the time to sharpen your culinary 
skills. Unless youre a master chef. 
order from her favorite restaurant. 
For dessert, offer her a chocolate. 
body soufflé. 
2. Give her a full-body massage. 
Rub her down with hot oll, followed 
by a bubble bath in a tub full of 
rose petals. 
3. Act out your passion, Reenact 
her favorite love scenes on tape, 
and watch it later to set the mood 
Dont be surprised if she gets 
inspired to make an NC-17 version! 
Make her a star. At the Website 
InternationalStarRegistry.com, you 
can name a star after her, then 
take her stargazing at your local 
observatory, You're guaranteed 
out-of-this-world sex in return. 
5. See the future. Bribe a psychic 
to predict a fairytale romance that 
the two of you are bound to con- 
summate on Valentine's Day. She 


... Ways to Impress 


Dr. Patti Britton, 


wont dare defy her fate. 
6. Take her away. Book a tropical 
getaway. Since the sun increases 
libido, she'll be skinny-dipping with 
you in no time! 

7. Set up a scavenger hunt. Hide 
chocolate, lingerie, toys, and gifts. 
and make each clue more erotic 
than the previous one. She'll find the 
ultimate prize Inside your pants! 

8. Go public, Proclaim your undy- 
ing love on a roadside billboard. 
Then rent her dream car and drive 
by your sign—she!l want to thank 
you then and there. The cars a 
rental, so go ahead and make it 
messy. 

9. Take her picture. Hire a stylist to 
give her afull makeover, then take 
her to a rented studio for a sexy 
photo shoot—let Penthouse be 
your inspiration. Then use the self- 
limer and get in on the action! 

10. Jet-set. Whisk her away to 
Paris for a show at the Moulin 
Rouge and champagne on the. 
Pont Neuf. You'll get Frenched like 
never before and make like Marlon 
Brando in the butter scene from 
Last Tango in Paris. if you can pull 
this off, / be your Valentine! 


HotTip From a Sexy Author 


“Focus on her pleasure first. And why is that? Because women burn 
more slowly than men. Just like the head of the penis, the head of the cli- 
toris, or the pearl, is extremely sensitive — especially when women are not 
fully aroused. So there's a way of approaching the yoni that's slow and 
deliberate, that's sensual, and that looks at the whole of the yoni as its 
focus. Not just the clitoral bud, not just the vagina, but the whole of her” 
The Modern Kama Sutra, Volume 


Got a date this 
Valentine's 
Day? Make ita 
night to 
remember. 
Check out. 
Victoria's sexy 
gift ideas 
on page 66! 


SEXPERIMENT 


Hectric Foreplay 


In my eternal quest for better 
orgasms, | came across electrical 
foreplay, The contraption, found at 
SlightestTouch.com, Is designed to 
stimulate the neural pathways and 
take a woman to a pre-orgasmic 
plateau. At that point, she can 
orgasm "at the slightest touch." 
Although I'm constantly horny, it 
does take me a while to reach 
orgasm, so | was intrigued. 

The unit came in a pretty, silver 
mesh bag, and included a drink to 
consume before using the unit. The 
drink is an electrolyte fluid that is. 
supposed to optimize neural path- 
ways. (Gatorade sports drink works 
as well; that's what |'ve been using.) 

| stuck the electrode pads to my 
ankles, fired up the unit, and there 
it was: the gentle pulsing designed 
to take me to the promised dream- 


land! It felt similar to static electrici- 
ty, so! had to tum it down a bit 

After ten minutes, | began to 
feel more aroused. | tried playing 
with myself, but it wasnt enough 
by itself. | pulled out my favorite cli- 
toral vibe, and came at the slight- 
est touch of it! It was not the total 
nirvana | expected, but Im looking 
forward to enlisting the Slightest 
Touch in my arsenal of sexual 
boredom fighters! 


43 


Big-wave surfers 
have been pushing the 
envelope since the 


1980s, spanning the 
e Sia 


surf. But are 


y, they ruining the 


sport? 


44 PENTHOUSE.COM 


IOTOGRAP| 


W 


On the North Shore of 
Oahu, Hawaii, there's a 
fabled stretch of ocean 
called Waimea Bay. With 
white sandy beaches, 
crystal-blue water, and 
lava points on either side 
of the bay, Waimea is 
breathtakingly beautiful 
It's also where, from the 
mid-1950s to the mid- 
4990s, the world's best 
surfers flocked to ride 
what were considered the 
worlds biggest waves. It 
was at Waimea Bay on 


WAIMEA BAY 


Papeet, 


Hana 


= `a 


CORTES \, 


BA! 


San Diego 


TEAHUPOO TODOS SANTOS Å 


January 15, 1985, that Mark Foo wiped out on a giant wave and 
got beat so furiously that he had an epiphany. 

Waimea was the Roman Colosseum of big-wave surfing. 
and this was an epic day—a day when the lives of Foo. 
James Jones, Ken Bradshaw, and Alec Cooke imitated the 
art (or would-be art) of the corny 1964 waxploitation flick 
Ride the Wild Surf. Those men (along with body boarder J. P. 
Patterson) were the only surfers out, and the waves were 
getting bigger with each set. The climax came with a huge 
wave that Jones said measured 48 feet. Foo called it a 
"thing" and Bradshaw said it was "the largest wave any 
man has ever had to deal with.” That 48-foot "thing" broke 
surfboard leashes, surfboards, and wills, washing all but 
Foo to the beach 

As lifeguards scrambled and the rescue chopper hovered 
Foo boldly paddled Into another gigantic wave, even though 
he had no chance against it. Springing to his feet, he rode the 
monstrous wall of water for a fraction of a second before he 
tumbled 30 feet to sea level then got shoved another 30 feet 
below sea level for a rag-doll trip through the spin cycle. Foo 
nearly drowned, but when he finally surfaced, he did so with a 
new concept in mind. He later crystallized his concept in a 
slogan that inspired a pursuit of bigger and bigger waves. 
That pursuit is still going strong 20 years—and 50 feet--Iater. 


THE UNRIDDEN REALM 

Ina 1991 article for Surfer magazine, Foo described his expe- 
rience at Waimea Bay that day, officially coining the phrase 
"the urridden realm. To Foo, waves from 35 feet and up were 
so massive, so powerful, and—perhaps most important—so 
fast, no surfer could catch them. It didrit matter how strong or 
experienced or skilled or brave a surfer was, or how long a 
board he rode— waves of a certain size were uncatchable. Foo 
beleved this, but he stil wanted to catch them. Toward the end of 
the article, he tossed off a sentence that would prove to be 
prophetic: "Now, we could cheat our way in. For example, you 


46 PENTHOUSECOM 


could be towed in by boat or Jet Ski. But is that surfing?" 

Twenty years after FooS landmark session at Waimea Bay, 
the Billabong XXL Global Big Wave Awards answered that 
question in the affirmative at $1,000 a foot. Billabong, along 
with Monster Energy, ponied up more than $100,000 in prize 
money and another six figures for the 
awards show. The event celebrates the pur- 
suit of huge waves and the nerveless surfers 
who chase them at surf spots around the 
world, known simply as breaks because they 
are the places where waves break. These 
spots include Jaws, off the North Shore of 
Maui; Mavericks, off the coast of Northern 
California; the Cortes Bank, 100 miles west 
of san Diego; and a newly discovered spot 
called Ghost Tree, which is directly off the 
18th hole at Pebble Beach in California. 

Last year Billabong gave awards for best 
wipeout, biggest wave caught by paddling, and biggest wave 
caught by a woman, but the company saved the richest prize 
of the night for the biggest wave of 2004-05, period. The larg- 
er a wave Is, the faster it moves, so the biggest wave of all 
had to be caught by tow-in, where the surfer is pulled into the 
path of the beast by a personal watercraft, better known as a 
Jet Ski. The contest organizers paid on a sliding scale. The 
winner took home $68,000—that's right, someone rode a 68- 
foot wave—and there were a bunch of other awe-inspiring 
runs. But before we get to them, lets go back a bit. Lets see 
how we got from Waimea to Billabong 


HAWAIIAN REEFS 

Between 1985 and 2005, great surfers boldly pushed back 
Fooss 35-foot barrier. They did it with the help of boats and Jet 
Skis, eventually circumventing Foo's question about motor- 
assisted surfing. It didn't matter if purists considered it surf- 
ing or not. Surfers were going to catch bigger waves by any 


McCormack 


Geoff 


means necessary, whatever the risk. Why? Because, to para- 
phrase what George Mallory said about Mount Everest, "they 
were there." 

The tow-in movement began in the winter of 1990-91, 
when Waimea Bay was flooded with heroes and wannabes. 
Established big-wave surfers Darrick Doerner, Laird 
Hamilton, and Buzzy Kerbox regarded the newcomers with 
the same disdain with which Kit Carson, Jedediah Smith, and 
Buffalo Bill watched newcomers to the Wild West shooting 
buffalo from trains. Yearning to breathe free, far from the hud- 
dled masses, they motored to Oahus outer reefs in a small 
boat—and later, on Jet Skis—to ride into waves at the end of 
a rope. 

It was surfing. In fact, it was a lot of surfing, as the guys 
caught many more waves than they would have by paddling 
in. The next winter they shoved off Maui, teaming up with 
surfer/sailboarders Dave Kalama, Mike Waltze, Rush 
Randle, Gerry Lopez, and a half dozen others to ride a leg- 
endary outer-reef break called Jaws ('Peahi' to Hawaiians) 

Hamilton and his buddies were as inventive as they were 
talented, attaching the footstraps used by sailboarders to 
their surfboards for extra stability among the giants. They 
called themselves the Strapped Crew, and they had even 
more innovations in store. 

In the early 1990s, they were still riding conventional, big- 
wave boards that were between eight and ten feet long. But 
when they were snowboarding one winter, they suddenly 
realized that the same type of short, narrow boards that were 
perfect for riding mountains of snow could also be perfect for 
mountains of water. They used computers to design surf- 
boards that were four feet shorter and many inches narrower 
than conventional big-wave boards. 

The result was nothing less than a new chapter in big-wave 
surfing: The group routinely caught 40-foot-plus monsters at 
Jaws, riding them at more than 35 miles per hour. Watching 
these flights on video, you might think the film is sped up or 
there's a motor attached to the board. But no—the Strapped 
Crew is sailing on wave power alone 


boards instantly. No one attempted it again until 1975, when 
Clark came along. A high school buddy declined to join 
Clark, telling him, “I'l tell the Coast Guard where | saw you 
last” Clark paddled out into frigid Half Moon Bay, caught the 
biggest wave he'd ever seen, and was hooked for life. He 
surfed it solo until 1990, when he invited three Southern 
California surfers to join him. After that, word got out that 
Northern California had a wave that rivaled Hawaii's North 
Shore. In 1992, Surfer magazine put Half Moon Bay surfer 
Darin Bingham on its cover next to the headline, "Mavericks 
Exposed: Nasty Photos of the West Coasts Heaviest Wave." 
That was it. Literally overnight, Mavericks became a world- 
renowned big-wave spot, drawing hordes of photographers 
and world-class surfers. 


KINGDOM OF DEATH AND GLORY 

December 23, 1994, was an almost perfect day at Mavericks: 
glassy, 20-foot waves under offshore winds. Three elite 
Hawaiian surfers—Mark Foo, Ken Bradshaw, and Brock 
Little—had traveled to Northern California to see for them- 
selves if the hype was true. It was the ultimate compliment to 
Mavericks—a trio of North Shore veterans flying across the 
continent to check it out. They all rode well until Foo caught an 
edge on an 18-foot wave, fell, and went over the falls. Foo had 
survived much worse, so no one thought much of the wipeout 
or noticed that Foo didnt resurface. Hours later, a piece of 
Foos board was seen atop the current. His body was floating 
just under the surface. 

The shock of Foo death resonated throughout the sport. 
Experienced big-wave surfers—the best of the best—just 
didn't drown. His death reminded the top guys of their mortal- 
ity. In December 1995, Californian Donnie Solomon was 
caught inside a wave at Walmea Bay and chose not to bail his 
board in front of Hawailan surfer Kawika Stant. Solomon 
politely went backward over the falls and drowned—one year 
to the hour after Foo had drowned in California. The prospect 
of death had always hovered over big-wave surfing, but now it 
was almost part of the equation 


MIGHTY MAVERICK'S 

While Kalama, Hamilton, Lopez, and their friends were mak- 
ing surfing history off Maui, a Californian named Jeff Clark 
introduced the world to the T. rex he had chained up in his 
backyard. In Half Moon Bay, about 25 miles south of San 
Francisco, was a rolling break called Mavericks. Dense 
cold-water swells—generated by storms in Alaska and 
Australia—accelerate up a steep incline in the ocean floor at 
Mavericks, gaining an astonishing amount of energy. 
Suddenly, this rushing water hits a 20-foot ledge, and the 
wave converts from a horizontal force into a vertical one, its 
unimaginable bulk curling up over the surface, five to six sto- 
ries high. 

Sailors and bootleggers had known Mavericks as a marine 
hazard for decades, and Northern California surfers had wit- 
nessed the massive winter wave breaking half a mile off Pillar 
Point and wondered what it would be like to surf it. In 1961, a 
group led by Alex Matienzo tried, only to be thrown cff their 


PADDLE-IN VERSUS TOW-IN 

By 1997, big-wave surfing had split into two camps: Strapped 
Crew surfers were regularly treading and shredding waves as 
big as 50 feet at Jaws and other Hawaiian outer reefs, and 
towdn surfing was spreading all the way to California. Paddle- 
in holdouts rejected the technological boost and continued to 
carve it up at Mavericks and Waimea Bay. 

Some surfers saw the rope as a godsend. Others said it 
was the Devils business. Good friends found themselves on 
either side of the divide, which became increasingly hostile, 
especially when both sides tried to surf the same break. 
According to big-wave veteran Dr. Mark Renneker, personal 
watercraft “roar past you at 30 or 40 miles per hour, with the 
ski rope flying all over. If you were underwater, they wouldrit 
know where you were.” 


Foo's fateful ride (above) came on a relatively innocuous wave al Maverick's, 
off the coast of Northern California. (See map of the world's top big-wave 
Spots, opposite.) 


47 


There are also environmental concerns. In September 
2001, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration 
banned PWCs from the Gulf of the Farallones National Marine 
Sanctuary, just north of the Monterey marine reserve that's 
home to Mavericks. (But Clark told the New York Times, "We 
operate PWCs at Mavericks 15 days a year in one square 
mile of ocean. How many cars are on the road? The gas that 
comes out of your tailpipe, oil, brake linings—all that runs 
down your gutter into a tributary and right into the ocean. Our 
effect is infinitesimal compared to that”) 

The conflict simmered on, but tow-in surfing continued to 
thrive. In January 1998, a bomber swell hit the North Shore 
of Oahu, closing out Waimea Bay and canceling the Eddie 
Aikau Big Wave Invitational. With the contest called off, two 
dozen of the world's best surfers scrambled out to find a reef 
they could handle, They settled on one called Outside Log 
Cabins, where eight tow teams challenged the unridden 
realm as a lucky IMAX crew hovered in helicopters. Dan 
Moore and Ken Bradshaw were one team, and Moore 
dragged Bradshaw into an enormous wave that the IMAX 


48 PENTHOUSE.COM 


"The 
new surfing 
barrier 

is the 


team just managed to capture on camera. Despite the 
sketchy footage, Bradshaw's run that day still stands as one 
of the biggest waves ever ridden. 

The swell that produced that monster wave at Outside 
Log Cabins rolled all the way to Mavericks in California sev- 
eral days later. A 24-year-old lifeguard named Neil "Moose" 
Matthies paddled into a 25-foot wave, wiped out, and was 
held down for nearly a minute. Amazingly, Matthies survived 
the thrashing. The best surfers in Northern California didnt 
have a prayer out there using their bare hands, so Santa 
Cruz surfers Perry Miller and Doug Hansen decided to be the 
first guys to tow Maverick's—at their peril. Miller caught two 
enormous waves, and though he wiped out spectacularly on 
both, he'd brought the new technique to the mainland, 

A month later, Taylor Knox paddled into a bomb at Todos 
Santos, Mexico, and won the $50,000 grand prize at the first 
XXL Challenge. Knox deposited the check at an ATM. A year 
later, Maverick's held its first contest, and Santa Cruz surfer 


‚Alter towing in on a Jet Ski (opposite), Hamilton used a shoriboard with foot- 
siraps toride an enormous wave al Jaws (above). 


Darryl “Flea” Virostko took the $50,000 top prize. A year later, 
he won it again. 


ABOVE THE FRAY 

By the summer of 2000, contests and big money began to 
dominate the sport, but the best big-wave surfer in the world 
didnt want anything to do with them. He only wanted to ride 
bigger and badder waves, and that meant using a PWC. At 
the turn of the century, Lalrd Hamilton was a combination of 
Howard Hughes, Michael Jordan, and Poseidon: He was 
ambitious and daring, supremely talented, and utterly at 
home in the heaviest surf on the planet, He was also ten years 
older, eight inches taller, and 50 pounds heavier than the typi- 
cal bantamweight pro surfer. 

At Jaws, Laird zoomed Into gargantuan waves at 35 miles 
per hour behind a Jet Ski, letting go of the rope and making 
runs that were literally unthinkable ten years earlier because 
you couldn't have gone fast enough, and you would have 


lusive 100- 
oot wave. 
sounds like 
mething 
it of 
ience 
ction, ora 
oland, 
mmerich 
film, but rest 


been bounced off your board immediately if you did catch the 
giant. Hamilton solved the first problem with the PWC and the 
second with his unsurpassed talent and footstraps on his 
short, maneuverable board. 

After making these astonishing runs seem routine— 
imagine lying on your back and looking up at a six- or 
seven-story building; that's the size of the waves he was 
surfing—Hamilton chased a big south swell to Tahiti to 
low-surf a berserk outer reef called Teahupoo. Arguably 
the world's most dangerous break, Teahupoo is a shal- 
low-water reef break, meaning the sharp, rocky bottom is 
just feet away from the impossibly heavy wave. Racing 
behind a PWC, Laird whipped into a curling monster— 
and a genuine life-or-death moment. If he'd tripped up, 
there's little doubt he would have been killed. He made 
adjustments large and small—the absolute epitome of 
grace under pressure—and rocketed out unscathed. Its 
tempting to say the ride made Hamilton a legend, but he 
already was one. It's accurate to say it was the greatest ride 
in surfing history. 


CORTES THE KILLER 

In 1985, the USS Enterprise aircraft carrier nearly went 
aground on the Cortes Bank, a two-fathom reet—an under- 
water mountain chain, really—100 miles out from San Diego. 
That brought the reef to the attention of surfers, but no one 
dared challenge Cortes until January 2001, when a storm that 
formed near Japan combined with a high-pressure ridge west 
of California to produce huge swells in Southern California 
waters. A team of surfers boarded the 54-foot Pacific Quest 
and, after an overnight passage, woke up to the biggest 
waves any of them had ever seen. They came, they saw, and 
they surfed for hours, Mike Parsons towed into a wave that 
measured 66 feet, which earned him the top prize—and 
$66,000—in the 2000-01 XXL Awards. You can't paddle into a 
66-foot wave 100 miles out to sea. Clearly, tow-in surfing was 
here to stay. 


THE 2004-05 XXL AWARDS 
The 2004-05 Billabong/Monster Energy XXL Awards fea- 
tured a prize named after Jay Morlarity, a big-wave surfer 
who suffered a sadly ironic death in the summer of 2001, 
when he drowned in 40 feet of calm water in the Maldives. 
At age 16, Morlarity had survived the worst wipeout ever 
photographed at Maverick's. But at 23, he broke a cardinal 
rule of diving by going out alone in the Maldives, Something 
went wrong, and the diver who found his body at the bottom 
said ‚Votterty, looked like a Roman statue that had fallen on 
its side. 

Shane Dorian won the Jay Moriarity Best Overall 
Performance award at the 2004-05 ceremony for charging 
Jaws, Teahupoo, and Walmea Bay all in one season. Dorian 
was nominated for a Monster Paddle-In award for a wave at 
Waimea Bay, and for the XXL Award for an astounding wave 
at Jaws. He also had a pretty horrendous headfirst-in-the-lip 
wipeout at Teahupoo that for some reason was not nominated 
for the Golden Donut, as the award for ugliest wipeout is 
called 

Dorian stood there that night the very model of a modern 
big-wave surfer: experienced, dedicated, and amazingly ver- 
satile—ready for whatever the ocean threw at him. He may 
have been the most impressive athlete at the XXLs that day, 
but the marquee award—the one for the biggest wave of the 
year—was yet to come. Don Curry and Tyler Smith were nom- 
inated for incredible waves at Ghost Tree, Dorian, Dan Moore, 
and Garrett McNamara were in the running for rides at Jaws. 
All of the rides were epic, dangerous, and worthy of the top. 
prize, but the judges gave the award to the 48-year-old 
Moore, handing him $68,000 for a wave as high as the scaf- 
folds Michelangelo used to paint the ceiling of the Sistine 
Chapel (see photo on page 44). 


THE 100-FOOTER 

So now what? Like the once-unbreakable sound barrier, the 
unridden realm has been conquered. Now the new surfing 
barrier is the elusive 100-foot wave. It sounds like something 
out of science fiction, or a Roland Emmerich film, but rest. 
assured—It will happen. 

Of course, a PWC will be involved, ensuring that the source 
of the sports greatest controversy will have a role in its great- 
est achievement. Hey, if surfing has to be towed to its destiny, 
so be It. Sure, it goes against the grain of the sport, which has 
always been about respecting and commuring with nature, 
but it won't dampen the thrill of conquering otherworldly 
waves and facing down death ots 


The 2005-06 big-wave season is well under way, reaching its 
peak from mid-November to early March. The 2005-06 
Billabong XXL Awards contest ends at dusk on March 31, 
2006. All entries must be received by April 7, 2006. 


49 


attest girls in America, Go to PenthouseModels.com 


She tells us, "I didn't know what | was doing, 
so the photographer had me da n slow motion 
| guess it worked!" It certainly works for us. 


The sexy ladies of 
t.A.T.u. claim they're 
not lesbians, but we're 
still hoping there's some 
sapphic action going 
on behind closed doors. 


By Rebecca Swanner 


58 PENTHOUSE.COM 


“Dangerous and Moving is about dangerous 
people, dangerous feelings, dangerous 
characters. Every SONG is about some kind of danger." 


They're hot, and they've made out 
with each other in music videos like 
"All the Things She Said'—but 
they're not hot for each other. Sadly, 
the love between the girls of 
Russia's tA Tu, is just platonic. Still, 
when redheaded Lena Katina told 
us, "I'm kissing with my friends, 
always—not only with girls, but with 
boys also" we began to consider. 
Are pseudo-lesbians hotter than the 
real thing? Perhaps 

With Richard Carpenter (yes, of 
the Carpenters) and Sting both 
guesting on their new record, Dan- 
gerous and Moving, were not sure 
who these "boys' are. We just hope. 
they don't get between Lena and 
her childhood friend Julia Volkova. 


What was it like recording at the 
Village in L.A.? The Doors, the 
Rolling Stones, and Madonna 
have all recorded there. 

Lena: lt was great. They had this 
new room for recording. just for us. 
Did you get homesick when you 
were in California? 

Lena: | was flying home every 
month or month and a half for 
maybe one week when we had free 
time. It was really great to see my 
mom and my friends. When I'm 
working, | miss them. It's terrible 
when you're very far away from 
everybody, but its our work and we 
love that, so it's life. 

Julia: | like London, | like Spain... | 
like so many cities, but my favorite 
Is Moscow. 

Was it neat to see so many coun- 
tries on your first tour? 

Lena: Yes, but mostly we wanted to 
get some rest. 

What do you do when you're 
home? 

Julia: | play with my daughter. Im 
with my friends and my parents. 

Do you go out partying? 

Julia: Sometimes. | don't like clubs. 
My friends go to clubs and bars 
every day. | go to clubs maybe one 
time a month. | like romantic things. 
| like restaurants, maybe going 
around Moscow. 

Julia, we've got to know—are you 
single? 


BO PENTHOUSE COM 


Julia: | have a boyfriend. [He] lives 
in L.A. Hess Russian, but he's lived 
in America maybe 11 or 12 years. 
Are fans in the U.S. different from 
fans elsewhere? 


Lena: | can't say that in Europe peo- 
ple are more crazy, or in America 
people are more crazy. It wouldnt 
be right. It's just different people 
everywhere. 

Really? You don't have a place 
you visit that has the craziest 
fans? 

Lena: Actually, the most crazy fans 
are in Japan. They are too emotion- 
al. They scream and touch you. 
Didn't you have to put an apology 
song on your new record for 
them? 

Lena: Its not really an apology for 
Japan. Its for everybody because 
lots of people sometimes have trou- 
ble. "Obeyzanka Nol" means "l'm 


sorry.” We like how this word 
sounds, and the song is really pret- 
ty and calm 

When you released your first 
record, you said you didn't want 
to grow up yet. 

Julia: When we came for the first 
lime to the U.S.A., we were 16. Our 
hearts and our bodies were like girls. 
Do you want to grow up yet? 
Julia: No. 

Why is the Russian name of the 
record different from the 
American version? 

Lena: When you say something in 
Russian, in English it wouldn't mean 
the same, The Russian name of the 
album is People Invalids, but if you 
said that in America, they wouldnt 
understand because It's not about 
physical things. It's more about 
moral things. The American name 
[Dangerous and Moving] is about 
dangerous people, dangerous feel- 
ings, dangerous characters. Every 
song on our album Is about some 
kind of danger. 

This album feels more hands-on 
than your debut. 

Lena: We don't have a producer 
because we wanted to do it our- 
selves and be more involved in the 
process. We chose the songs and 
the vocals, We just want to be able 
to do more things ourselves, 

Do you want to write songs in the 
future? 

Lena: Maybe. All of the [songwrit- 
ers] know us really well, so they can 
understand what we feel, so it's 
about us. It's an expression of our 
feelings 

What was it like to work with 
Wonderland director James Cox? 
Julia: He was very professional. He 
was very funny [and had] a lot of 
energy. We did two videos in three 
days. We were always smiling 
because he had so much energy, 
and he's [telling us], "Girls! Girls! 
Wake up!" 

Lena: It was really funny to work 
with him. He really understood what 
we wanted. "All About Us' is really 
different than all the other videos. 
How so? 

Lena: Julia and | have a problem 


between us and we quarrel. She 
goes away and Im driving a car, 
thinking about whats going on, and 
Im really sad. She gets in trouble 
with a boy because this boy wants 
to hit her. She kills this boy and calls 
me, and I'm driving to her and tak- 
ing her from there. 

Do you two ever fight in real life? 
Lena: Not really. Its just about sim- 
ple things when you get tired of 
each other, when youre together for 
a very long time. You have shows 
and interviews and you get tired 
and its, "Why did you put your bag 
there? | want to put mine here.” 
Have you always wanted a career 
in music? 

Lena: Music is my life. | wouldn't be 
alive without music. My dad is a 
musician, but he wasn't involved 
when | was trying to do something 
He was always telling me, "Lena, | 
don't want you to be a musician. Its 
very hard, and | dont want to help 
you. You have to do everything 
yourself” | was telling him, “Father, 
lets do something. Give me a song 
| want to sing.” He says, "You're too 


young.” Then t.A.T.u. starts, and 
he's happy. 

Julia: When | was a little gir, | go to 
play tennis and go swimming and 
go to dance and go to sports, but | 
like music. | start to play piano 
when | was five years old, then | go 
to music school 

What do you like playing on the 
piano? 

Julia: | like Beethoven, "Moon [sic] 
Sonata.” | dont like Bach—its so 
difficult. | like Mozart, but my 
favorite is Beethoven 

What do you do to prepare before 
you go onstage? 

Lena: Nothing. The most important 
thing when youre doing shows is 
not to wait before you go onstage. 
Just come dressed up and go. 
When you go someplace [and] you 
have to wait to come on, it's unbe- 
lievably hard. Your emotions start to 
calm, and you get tired of waiting. 

I heard you filmed a reality show 
during the recording of this album. 
Lena: Yes, that's true. We were 
doing that in Moscow, but it wasn't 
good. It was more about Ivan 


[Shapovalov, their former manager], 
and he was talking, and | dunno. 

| dont think it was a good idea. We 
broke up with Ivan when we had 
this reality show, actually. 

You two had to audition for 
LA.T.u. Were you nervous? 

Lena: I'm always nervous. When 
were doing something like record- 
ing the album, I'm nervous if people 
will like it or not. Julia is always like, 
“Lena, calm down. Everything will 
be all right. Don't worry, be happy" 
And so on and soforth. 

Did you know you'd have to make 
out with each other when you 
auditioned? 

Lena: It wasn't about lesbians. It 
was about love between two girls. 
For example, | have friends, and | 
love them. And Julia is my friend, 
and | love her. It doesnt mean we 
are lesbians. We were just kissing. 
I'm kissing with all my friends, 
always—not only with girls, but with 
boys also. We didnt pretend to be 
lesbians. We were just singing 
about love between two girls, but 
we always had boyfriends.O-—s 


1.A.T.u. aren't the only 


beautiful women to come 


Anna 
Kournikova Though still Vodianova 
Kournikova is mostly unknown She's been 
known more for Oxana inthe US. Maria on the cover of 
her hotness Fedorova suliry pop star Sharapova Vogue, made 
than her tennis ThisformerMiss Alsou is poisedto This 18-yearold a cameo in Roman 
skills, which Universe may break out. Of tennis star from Coppola's film 
comes as nosur- have lost her title. course, it didnt Siberia is not only CQ, and modeled 
prise since butshe stunned hurt that she one of the best for Louis Vuitton 
she's one of the world when worked with hip- players on the Need we say 
the sexiest she became hop heavyweight ^ court, but she's more? 
women alive. the first woman Nelly on her also kept busy 

from Russia to latest record, modeling for 

win the pageant Inspired. 


in 2002. 


Nike, Gucci, and 
KNY. 


61 


Pamela 
Anderson, on 
her breasts 
"Its a love/hate 
thing, but were 
very close. 

I'm glad | got 
my implants, but 
sometimes 
they're in the 
way" 


Latins 


“Ever since | 
was a little kid 
I've walked 
around naked 
and air-dried. | 
dont like lint on 
my body from 
towels."—Diddy 


Fed up with rumors that her breasts are fake, Tyra Banks had a plastic sur- 
geon examine her mammoth mammaries during a taping of her eponymous 
talk show. After asking all the men in the audience to leave, the supermodel 
had the surgeon perform a sonogram and a touch test of her chest. “Tyr 
Banks has natural breasts,” concluded the doc. “There are no implant 


Time fora 


For anyone 
whos ever won- 
dered why the. 
Bible had to be 
so long, there's 
now The 100- 
Minute Bible, an 
ultra-condensed 
version of the 
Good Book 


Bum 


Keira Knightley, 
on the lap-danc- 
ing lessons she 
took to prepare 
for her role as 
fashion 
model/bounty 
hunter Domino 
Harvey: "I had 
to coordinate 
with my bum 
double, figuring 
out if | moved 
the top half of 
my body, what 
would happen 
with the bottom 
half of hers." 


83! DREAMSÉSDIVERSIONS 


Kicks 


The pilots of a 
chartered jet 
carrying nearly 
300 Gambian 
soccer fans 
made an emer- 
gency landing 
in Piura, Peru, 
citing low fuel. In 
fact, the pilots 
wanted to give 
passengers 
the chance to 
watch their 
nation's team in 
an important 
match—which 
they might have 
missed ifthe air- 
craft had made 
its scheduled 
landing 550 miles 

Race-car driver | south, in Lima. 

Danica Patrick, 

when asked to 

name the best 

female driver no 

one has ever 

heard of: | don't 

know. | never 

heard of her” 


uh L| CREARA Candles 


Chris Rock, on the return of the 

NHL: “Hockey is like heroin. Only Actress Shannon Elizabeth celebrated her birthday with a sexy scavenger 
drug addicts do heroin. It's not like a hunt. To gain bonus points for the grand prize— which included a bottle of 
recreational drug. It's never like, 'No, Cristal and an MP3 player—the 20 contestants were urged to flaunt their birth- 
that's okay. I'm not going to have day suits. Participants posed naked for photos in front of a comedy club, 
heroin. You guys go right ahead." turned somersaults au naturel at the Los Angeles Zoo, and even ran a nude 
Hockey is kind of the same way. obstacle course while being pelted with water balloons. 

Only hockey fans watch hockey" 


Friends and family of Gene Sim- 
mons shouldn't expect any sort of 
inheritance when the KISS frontman 
dies. The aging rocker claims he'd 
like to “hollow out" his body and stuff 
his carcass with all his possessions, 
leaving nothing behind. "They say 
you cant take it with you; Simmons 
says. “Well, l'm going to try. | want 
my arsehole stuffed with $100 bills. 
People often say, ‘Go fuck yourself” 
Perhaps | just might! 


Reality B tes 


Further proof (as if we need it) that reality programming 
has gone too far: A Croatian Webcast features a house of 
seven sheep that are filmed nonstop as farnous writers 
come in and read their works to the herd. Viewers vote on 
which sheep should be evicted. If the ousted animal is 
not adopted by a viewer, it is sent to a slaughterhouse. 


Juan ‚een 


“You don't have to be the Clarksons 

biggest stud to be successful juices flowing? 

with women. l'm,nota guy "Shakira," 

girls see at a party and she says. “She 

"That guy—must fuck him. turns me on. 

— David Spade And Im not on 
that team." 


65 


EH VALENTINE VICES 


66 PENTHOUSE.COM 


By Victoria Zdrok, PhD. + Photographs by Warren Tang 


Qe 


x 


* 
= A > >> vw 
[ Your girl deserves more than just 
the same old Valentine's Day 
standards, so surprise her with one 
ofthese racy and romantic 
gifts. Give her flowers that won't wilt 


with A Bed of Roses from 
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VALENTINE (CES 


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6. Wrap a great rack in a Ta-Tas tee from SaveTheTaTas.com.... Double her pleasure with the Water Gems Pinky rabbit vibrator 
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68 PENTHOUSE COM 


‚com, and indulge her with the Per Pink G-spot Fantasy Massager 
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10. If your girl thinks chocolate is better than sex, show her she's got it all wrong—chocolate is better with sex. Challenge her to a 
game of Strip Chocolate Checkers by BodyFrosting.com, with edible game pieces... After the game is over, she can enjoy the 
Lelo Ida Pleasure Object vibrator by WildinSecret.com. 11. Normally you'd get your ass kicked for giving a girl an IOU for 
Valentine's Day, but not when you give her the IOU Sex coupon book from ChroricleBooks com. She can exchange the coupons 
for make-out sessions, massages, and more... Let your pillows do the talking with funny custom inscriptions from Cafe 
Press.com.... And shell be eternally grateful for the Oral Sex booklet and bondage gear found at Babeland.com. 12. Get her in 
the mood for some hot S&M fun with a Princess Submits rhinestone collar from WildinSecret.com: the Penthouse Sweet 
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69 


Do 


you have 


what 


www.penthousemodels.com 


Find out. 


is by Chris Hors 


BY E SHEALTHANDEITNESS 


By Kara Wahlgren 


The Science Behind Your Body’s 
Weird Medical Snafus. 

You've read up on the big guns: heart dis- 
ease, cancer, and obesity. Hell, you could 
probably fake your way through med 
school by now. But there are a few 
unsolved mysteries we never really hear 
about, maybe because health experts are 
always so busy trying to keep us from 
dying. We, on the other hand, engage in 
less noble pursuits. 

BRAIN FREEZE 

When a cold food hits the roof of your 
mouth, it sends an "m freezing" signal to 
your brain. The blood vessels in your head 
dilate to keep your brain toasty, which caus- 
es a brief mini-headache. Get rid of it by 
pressing your tongue against the roof of your 
mouth or drinking à warm beverage. 
DRUNKEN HiccuPs 

Hiccups are involuntary contractions of the 
diaphragm, a sheet of muscle that sepa- 
ratesthe chest cavity from the abdominal 


cavity. These spasms cause a sudden Just talking 
Intake of air, which is stopped when your about yawn- 
vocal cords close and produce the "hic- Ingcan trigger 
cup" sound. A full stomach can cause hic- | It, and it's 
cups by putting pressure on the dia- mostly a 
phragm—and the same goes for drinking | social thing— 
too much. empathetic 
EvE FLOATERS people are 
Those mysterious blobs swimming around | more likely to 
your eyeball are actually part of the vitre- | catch a yawn. 


ous, the clear stuff that makes up 80 per- 
cent of your eyeball. As you get older, the 
gelatinous vitreous “melts” into water. In 
the process, some feisty little chunks of gel 
remain—those are your floaters. Eventually 
the floater will dissolve, settle to the bottom 
of your eye, or your brain will ignore it. But 
see a doctor if your vision gets worse. 
SWIMMING CRAMPS 

You know the rule: Wait a half-hour after 
eating. or you'll cramp up and sink like a 
brick. In reality, you probably wont drown 
(survival instinct usually wins out), but exer- 


cise on a full stomach can cause 
cramping. Digesting food re- 
quires a hefty effort, so extra 
blood gets diverted to your gut. If 
you work out within an hour or two 
of a big meal, your muscles suffer 
a shortage of blood and oxygen. 

If that happens, they may pro- 
duce and accumulate lactic acid, 
which causes cramps. So its a 
good idea to wait an hour before 
doing anything strenuous. 
CONTAGIOUS YAWNS 

If one person in a group yawns, 
more than half the people in the 
group will follow suit, according to 
Robert Provine, a University of 


What, exactly, makes 
someone want to jump 
outof a plane or attempt 
a backflip on his bike? 
Scientists believe a single 
gene might be the key to 
separating the daredevils 
from the weenies. It all 
starts in the amygdala, 
where the brain forms the 
strong emotional memo- 
ries associated with fear, 
anger, or love 

Researchers have 
found that normal mice 
possess two copies of 
the gene neuroD2, which 
is related to the develop- 
ment of the amygdala 
But mice with only a 
single copy had a de- 
creased ability to form 
conditioned fear, which 
could make them far 
more likely to take risks. 
Further studies are 
needed to determine how 
this gene could affect 
human behavior. 


72 PENTHOUSE.COM 


Maryland professor who's been 
studying yawns for more than 20 
years. (Seriously) 

Stomach GROWL 

Its not your stomach making the 
noise—its your intestines. When 
youre hungry, your body preps 
for grub by moving whatever's in 
the intestines out of the way. The 
intestines normally contract and 
push food along, but on an empty 
stomach, pockets of air and water 
also get moved around. This 
causes gurgling sounds—usually 
at a completely inopportune 
moment, like during a business 


CONSIDER 
THIS: 
ONE IN 
FIVE 
PEOPLE 
You 
JUST 
SHOOK 
HANDS 
WITH 
DIDN'T 
WASH 
AFTER 
THEY 
USED 
THE 
BATH- 


ROOM. 


meeting or foreplay. 


Next time youre in a business meeting, consider 
this: One in five people you just shook hands with 
didnt wash after they used the bathroom. Only 83 
percent of people actually suds up post-wipe, even 
though 91 percent claim they do. (The women are 
the safer bet: 90 percent of females wash, com- 
pared to only 75 percent of men.) 

Before you break out the old "I don't pee on my 
hands" argument, keep in mind that 80 percent of 
infections are transmitted through direct or indirect 
contact. The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and 
Prevention says hand-washing is the most important 
thing you can do to avoid colds, flu, and food poi- 
soning, The CDC recommends washing for 20 sec- 
onds, or the time it takes to sing "Happy Birthday" 
(Sing it in your head, not out loud.) 


Finding a physician is a pain in the ass. If you get 
someone who knows his shit, there's the chance hell 
retire or drop your insurance carrier. Then what? 
Experts have a few vital tips for finding a new doctor. 
* Ask for referrals from friends or relatives. 

* Do your research: Where did your doctor go to 
med school? What happens if you get sick on a 
weekend? Who covers for him if he's out of town? 

+ If you have a chronic condition like diabetes, find 
‘out how much experience he has In treating it. 

* On your first visit, fill him in on your family medical 
history, your own health, and any meds you take. 


COUCH POTATO 
ALERT 


There's fat, and then there's visceral fat. The for- 
mer makes you wish you'd gone for the next 

size up in your board shorts. The latter gets 

metabolized by your liver, turns into choles- 

terol, and takes up residence around your 

internal organs, causing all kinds of 

health problems. The good news is, i 

not hard to lose visceral fat. A brisk, 30- 

minute walk six times a week can prevent 

the accumulation of visceral fat, and anything 

more than that will start undoing the damage. 

So the next time you catch yourself watching 

Laguna Beach reruns, go pound the pavement. W E] 


So, you think you're doing your body a big favor by 
cutting back to a pack a week, or limiting your nico- 
tine fixes to heavy-drinking nights? Hate to break 

it to you, but even light smoking can screw with your 
health. According to a new study, men who smoke 
one to four cigarettes a day are three times more 
likely to die of heart disease or lung cancer than 
nonsmokers. In fact, the death rate of smokers 

from all causes is 50 percent higher than that of 
nonsmokers. 

By the way, even if you never light up, your lungs 
can take a beating from just hanging out with smok- 
ers. While 22 percent of Americans smoke, a whop- 
ping 60 to 70 percent are exposed to secondhand 
smoke, which also increases health risks. 


SHAMELESS 
PLUGS ./—— 


Rushing the pit at a Slipknot con- 
cert wearing earplugs is just not 
cool. Going deaf, though, IS also not 
cool. Looks like youre going to 
have to pick the lesser of the two 
evils, dude. 

A recent study found that con- 
cert acoustics can damage 
your hearing and eventually bring 
on hearing loss. And it doesn't 
matter if youre stuck in the nose- 
bleed section, or if your tastes are 
more Keith Urban than Korn 


Pre-concert, participants. 
had normal hearing thresholds— 
the softest sound you can hear 
according to an audiogram test. 
‚After the house lights went up, 
however, 64 percent of the 
folks who nixed earplugs had 
a significant change in threshold 
compared to 27 percent of 
plugged-up participants. The 
change occurred regardless of 
where in the venue they were sit- 
ting or who was performing. 
Hearing damage can occur 
with prolonged exposure to 
noise levels of 85 decibels or 
more—and most concerts clock 
in at 125 decibels. 


A RECENT 
STUDY 
FOUND 
THAT 
CONCERT 
ACOUSTICS 
CAN 
DAMAGE 


YOUR 
EARS 

AND EVEN- 
TUALLY 
BRING ON 
HEARING 
Loss. 


73 


HEIOP | 
lI. 
ght of another Valentine's Day 
g and dining has you 
19 i a more surefire way to score, 
tters into your own hands. 

y You've done dinner and a chick 
j flick a half dozen times. 
Borrríng! You've sent flowers to 
her office and chocolates 
to her apartment. Awww. You've 
even endured a couple of 
trips to the mall. Yawn, Before 
you begin to wonder if 
youte ever going to close this 
deal, take a different 
approach. Pamper her from 
head to toe with a bath 
experience that will leave both 
of you yearning for more. 


Remember: When she feels 


good, you look great. 


74 PENTHOUSE , 


Service by Alyson Zamkoff 


) Photographs by Michael Murphee 


Image Group 


Hair and makeup by Kim Bower 


CARRY A TORCH 

Nothing says seduction better than candlelight, so fire up a few 
well-placed candles around the bath. Color Bowls from Primal 
Elements smell as good as they look and come in dozens of 
appealing choices, like Chocolate-Covered Cherries, Blue 
Margarita, and Wine & Roses (PrimalElements.com).... Or 
introduce your woman to the idea of a three-way with Earthly 
Body's Suntouched candle, which is also a moisturizer and 
massage oil. As the candle melts, it becomes a moisturizing 
oil to be poured from tin to skin. Suntouched heats to only 
three degrees above body temp, so ifs warm—not hot— 
when applied (EarthlyBody.com). 


| / L 

Get Wer 
Break out the bubbly with Essence's Foaming Bath Oil 
(BaudelaireSoaps.com).... Or pour some Zen Bubble Bath 
from Natural Selection Bath and Body. Also try Silk Bath Salts 


(NaturalSelectionBathandBody.com).... Provence Santé Bath 
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reach for Natural Selections Herbal Mik Bath Tea (Natural 
SelectionBathandBody.com).... Got milk? You will with Fresh 
Body Market's Foaming Milk Bath in Chocolate or Coconut —and 
Penthouse readers receive 25 percent off all merchandise (enter 
code PH26 at checkout; FreshBodyMarket.com). 


Goop CLEAN FUN 
Suds up sensuously with a bath mitt or sea sponge (these are 
from Sephora and Caswell-Massey). Then toss in Natural 
Selection's Zen Soap Petals (NaturalSelectionBathand 
Body.com).... Or toast the good life with New York Bath Tub 
Gin (CaswellMassey.com).... Get whipped with Primal Ele- 
ments' Body Whip and Sugar Whip, which are gentle on the 
skin and rinse clean (PrimalElements.com).... Sephora's Cof- 
fee & Cream Morning Body Scrub stimulates circulation 
(Sephora.com).... Fresh's Soda Shampoo invigorates the scalp 
(Fresh.com).... Sephora's Chocolate Raspberry Mousse Hair 
& Body Wash can be used from head to toe (Sephora.com). 


PERFECT POLISH 

Indulge a foot fetish with Earthly Body's Shake and Squeeze 
Pedicure Miracle (EarthlyBody.com).... Baby her bod with 
Natural Selections Zen Silk Body Lotion (NaturalSelection 
BathandBody.com), or moisturize with Sephoras Whipped 
Body Delight, available in a range of scents from Cappuccino 
Creamer and Coconut Nectar to Marshmallow Fluff and White 
Peach (Sephora.com)... Fresh Body Markets Body Spread 
lubricates and softens skin to create a healthy glow (Fresh 
BodyMarket.com).... By the time youre done, shell feel so 
good inside and out, you wont be able to take your hands off 
her. And with any luck, she wont want you to. 


75 


Interview by Chauncé Hayden Dog 


Days Photographs by Mark Mann 


Iggy Pop 
is enjoying 
his 


writhing 
around 
“like 

acat 

on acid" 
with his 
bandmates, 
the 
Stooges. 


Now 58, th Godfather of Funk Rock i is 1 
1 e Stooges ge 


s like drugs, CBGB, ar 


1 read a write-up of the Stooges’ 
recent performance at London's 
Hammersmith Apollo, which the 
reviewer described as an "eerie walk 
through time.” Is that how you felt? 

It was just tremendously fulfilling. That 
was the first time we had been on a 
marquee as "the Stooges’ since 1971, 
or something like that. That was a con- 
dition of my acceptance of the engage- 
ment. It had to be billed that way on the 
marquee, or | wasn't going to do that 
show. We've been performing for the 
last couple of years using any combina- 
tion of our name, but this was a really 
nice step for us. 

What was the first thought that went 
through your mind when you looked 
up and saw THE STOOGES on the mar- 
quee? 

| drove by it about an hour and a half 
before we went on, and | thought, What 
a strong word it is. First of all, the dou- 
ble-O looks like boobs! And the word 
"Stooges" has the sound 000 in it. Ooo 
is the sound people make when they 
have sex or take drugs or get hit in the 
solar plexus. So | thought itwas hot to 
see that double-O up on the bill again. 
Are people starving for good old- 
fashioned rock `n’ roll? There doesn't 
seem to be too much of that around 
these days. 

People are starving in general, espe- 
cially when you get to.... [Pauses] Hell, 
lll say it—white music. [Laughs] Which 
just increasingly sucks! 

You're 58 years old. Where does your 
physical and emotional drive come 
from after all these years? 

Its a mixture of the sacred and profane. 
On the sacred side, | ve got just a 
tremendous, real urge to prove some- 
thing about my band. | still get choked 
up talking about that. Even at this 
moment. 

Why is that? 

[The Stooges] got to a certain point 
and things kind of exploded. We didn't 
get the recognition at the time for what 
we had accomplished. So | stuck it out 
for a long time trying to carry that torch. 
That gives me a powerful motivation to 
continue. 


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bought a really fucking expensive 
house, and now | have to pay for it! Im 
nervous! l'm on edge again! Little irrita- 
tions loom a little larger! So that helped 
The Ramones have been credited by 
most rock historians as the band that 
inspired punk rock. Would you dis- 
agree with that? 

Musicians are punks, Theres an old tra- 
dition that female entertainers are all 
prostitutes. This goes back to the 
Elizabethan times, probably even way 
before that. Like concubines in the 
emperors’ courts in Asia that had to 
entertain. On the other hand, male 
musicians are all punks. We [Ihe 
Stooges] as people, before we even 
formed a band, were more excited 
about the punky aspects, and the 
extreme, irritating aspects of British 
rock and American greaser rock in the 
sixties than we were about listening to 
fucking Lesley Gore on the radio! 

What bands influenced you? 

Bands like the Kinks, the Stones, the 
Who, the Pretty Things, Them, and 
maybe Hendrix. [Pauses] Im trying to 
think if there was anybody good who 
was American at that time. The Doors, 
So | thought, Lets take all of this one 
step further. It seemed like the most 
logical thing to do. But it was already 
there. We just took it an extra step. 

In your opinion, who was the first 
punk rocker? 

In certain ways, James Brown! What a 
punk! What got us called punks by 
Lenny Kaye in Rolling Stone magazine 
was the fact that | sounded so damn 
adolescent. | sounded like | was 14, 
and | was already 21 at the time. James 
Brown was very punk, but he was an 
adult. You could tell he went to a lounge 
to drink with a suit on. He was interest- 
ed in adult things. He was different. So 
compared to him, the English groups 
sounded punky, and compared to 
them, we really sounded like kids 

But the Stones and the Who weren't 
smashing glass bottles on them- 
selves and rubbing peanut butter on 
their wounds. 

No, they werent. They also werent 
coming out in ripped jeans. Nobody did 
that. The more ripped my pants got, | 
thought, the cooler it looked 

And the blood? 

| can'tremember where that started. 
That might have been more serendipity 
from the things | was doing. Some of 
the stuff was doing was stuff a five- 
year-old will do to get attention 

Here's a quote from you: “I don't 
believe that U2 ever really wanted to 
save the whales, and | don't believe 
that the Beastie Boys are ready to lay 
down for Tibet. Nobody says jack-shit 
about what really matters to them." 
Do you really feel that way about rock 
stars who preach to the masses? 


Yeah. | feel this way aboutit: It would be 
easier for me to believe someone's 
commitment to Greenpeace if thats all 
they do. | mean, work for Greenpeace if 
you believe in Greenpeace. Personally. 
| haven't done too many benefits, but 
boy, when you do, you see the back- 
side of it. | hear people talking about 
the angles and different things they're 
going to make off of it. Especially the 
managers. 

Does that anger you? 

I'm not outraged by that, or really any- 
thing. It's just not my personal taste. | 
just don't see why they dont use that 
same energy to write a good song that 
rocks. |'m just not a big believer. So, 
yeah, l'Il stand by the quote. 

Are you saying Bono has an agenda 
to keep himself in the spotlight rather 
than just focus on writing good 
songs? 

| don't want to go any further. I've 
already gone too far. [U2] is a good 
band. There's a certain kind of reassur- 
ing white rock, and some people do 
well with that ... and that's fine. That's all 
you're going to get out of me. 
Considering you're still putting your 
body through all kinds of contortions 
onstage, how do you feel physically 
the day after a performance? 

Oh, fuck. It's not just soreness. When 
I'm going for it, | absorb the energy of 
the people, so | can't sleep. l'Il be really 
tired after one of those gigs, but | cant 
sleep for about five hours. When | finally 
do try and sleep, | cant sleep more 
than two hours. I'm like a cat on acid. 
How have you managed to fight the 
temptation to use heroin again? Or 
have you? 

The other equation is, how do you man- 
age to do that and also atiempt any- 
ihing with your life that involves edgi- 
ness, aggression, or just comfort? It's a 
lot easier to say, "Okay, | survived my 
heroin addiction, I'll now be a tomato." 
You can do that. But generally, once 
most people have been through their 
big addictions and you've passed the 
Christ stage— 

Christ stage? 

[If you get] past 33 in one piece and 
you start to shed those addictions, you 
become tender. You will be tenderized 
physically, emotionally. Your nervous 
system, your consciousness, your sta- 
mina—everything is touchier. Youre not 
as sturdy a tower as you once were. 
You have to build that back up before 
you try any fancy shit. That's basically 
what | did for a long time. Everybody 
has a different way of getting clean. | 
never did join AA or go cold turkey. | still 
like my cup of strong coffee in the 
morning, and | like my Red Bull if I'm 
going to go out and do something with 
alot of people around. | also like a 
good red Bordeaux, but generally in pri- 


vate, with a close companion and with 
food. Those are minor addictions them- 
selves. Everybody, all humans, will be 
addicted until the end of time. Its part 
of humanity. | remember my friend 
Steve Jones of the Sex Pistols went to 
AA. [Laughs] Were friends and | love 
him, so | can talk about him! He came 
up to me one time and said, "I quit 
everything. | don't do anything! But | 
love dirty girls. | love dirty, filthy girls. | 
have to go out, find a sleazy one, and 
fuck her behind a curtain, or fuck her 
somewhere in a public place every 
night! But Im in AA!" [Laughs] Okay. 
Steve! Everybody has a different way of 
going about these things. 

When did you first realize you wanted 
1o get off heroin? 

| first realized | wanted to get off it about 


"| was really wor- 
ried before this 
tour that | was 
doing too well. | 
didn't have any 
problems. I had no 
fucking motivation. 
Fuck! Life was 
too damn good. 
Sol bought a 
really fucking 
expensive house, 
and now I have 

to pay for it! I'm 
nervous! I’m on 
edge again!” 


1980 or '81. So | wrote a book [/ Need 
More], or told a book to somebody that 
later came out, because | knew that 
once | started kicking, | was going to 
become a fart. | was going to become 
reasonable and balanced and secre- 
tive, and do what serves me. So | 
spilled everything | did, and slowly 
came down gradually, | had my little 
relapses. Up until 1990, | used to smoke 
alittle. It was a smaller and smaller joint. 
every night. But then you start getting 
paranoid or you get hungover. And in 
the morning the phone rings, and it's 
something really important and you 
cant remember it. It kind of just goes 
like that. Now I'm ready to try some 
fancier shit! Like, go rock with the 
Stooges! 

Is it true that when you were in your 
mid-twenties, you were admitted to a 
mental hospital? 


Yeah. It was on the condition between. 
myself and the treating physician that | 
wasnt crazy. My point to him was that | 
needed to be somewhere that wasnt a 
drug ward. | needed to be somewhere 
where | couldnt get anything, and peo- 
ple didn't know me. | needed to stop, 
basically. | was on a downhill train and | 
needed to stop. 

How long did you spend in the men- 
tal hospital? 

About a month or two. 

Did it help? 

Listen, as far as we got was twice a 
week, | was asked to talk about my 
father. So | would say, "Talk about my 
father. Now shut up!" To be honest, it 
was just a chance for me to stop the 
elephant for a little while. There wasn't 
any Valium, aspirin, counseling, or any 
of that crap. | did a couple of rehabs 
after that. But this was just a straight 


ward where half the people were 
American housewives who were emo- 
tionally abused or ignored for too long. 
They just had little breakdowns. They 
Just went off. A lot of the mentally ill in 
this country fall into that category. 
Then you have the guys like this one 
guy | knew, who thought his dad was 
inthe FBI and the CIA and was after 
him. [Laughs] We also had a guy who 
took LSD and thought he could fly! He 
had broken limbs and stuff! It was 
kind of cool! That was that. It wasn't a 
big deal. 

If the reports are true, it seems as if 
Hollywood is going to make a movie 
about your life. Apparently, Elijah 
Wood has been given the green light 
to portray you. 

[Yells] What's up with that? Are they 
really doing that thing? 

Here's a quote from Wood about win- 


81 


ning the role: “I’m scared to death of 
doing it because | love [Iggy Pop] so 
much and respect the music so 
much. | don't want to be the person 
responsible for screwing it up.” What 
advice would you give Wood? 
[Laughs] You're going to get nowhere 
with that question! | read the script 
and... [Long pause] Gee whiz. Listen 
I'll tell you this, the script ain't chopped 
liver. Judging objectively, it was a work 
of art. But subjectively, | don't want to 
be involved in any way. | dont even 
want to make any comment. 
As someone who's done his share of 
acting, why wouldn’t you want to be 
involved in the movie? At the very 
least, just to make sure they get the 
story right. 
I've done enough film work to under- 
stand what Hollywood is about 
Apparently, the subject of this film is 
about me in some way. But the film is a 
journey, and there's no telling where 
they'll end up. The main character might 
become an Eskimo. You never know. It's 
a creative process, and | just dont have 
anything to do with it. More power to 
them. A producer and the writer sent me 
a very decent letter, and asked me to 
write back if | didn't wantthem to do it. 
But | didnt do that either because | don't 
feel negative about it at all 
Are you a fan of Wood's work as an 
actor? 
At first, | was kind of curious. Who is this 
Elijah Wood? | dont really know about 
him. But somebody told me he played a 
hobbit in Lord of the Rings. And | saw 
him on TV the other day, and he seems 
like a very poised and talented actor. 
The New York City bar and club 
CBGB is on the verge of closing. Is it 
worth saving? 
[Long pause] If it's going to be turned 
into a tourist boutique, then the answer 
should be 

You live in New York. Are there 20 
bands in New York City that should be 
playing somewhere like that? That are. 
filthy, flawed, and irritating enough? 
That still mean anything? 
The bands may still be out there, but 
does anyone care? | think that's the 
question. 
Then nature needs to take its course. l'Il 
tell you what, I'm not an expert in New 
York rock because | wasn't born and 
bred there. Lou Reed knows a lot more 
about it than | do. Or David Johansen 
Even Patti Smith. | came from Detroit, 
and New York, right from the beginning, 
was always great to me. | made tt, if 
you consider me making it, because of 
that town 

But | think the worse New York is 
doing, both socially and economically, 
the better the music. [Laughs] Unfor- 
tunately, it seems like New Yorkis doing 
awfully well these days! In general, big 


82 PENTHOUSECOM 


cities with cracks in the social fabric 
create great opportunities for white 
rock "n' roll. So when CBGB was hot 
that neighborhood was stil very dirty 
and very dangerous, and the rent was 
nada, dude! | jammed at a club in that 
neighborhood once with the Bad 
Brains, and | was afraid! | shacked up 
with someone from the audience who 
lived across the street from the club, 
on the corner of Avenue A and St 
Marks, and | said to myself. / got to get 
out of here! This is scary! Everything 
about New York was cool during the 
seventies. Even the big blackout in 77 
was cool! There was space. People 
slouched when they walked, and they 
didn't look like they had anywhere to 
go. Everybody wasnt dressed for suc- 
cess. There were still peep shows in 
Times Square. 

To me, that created art. That's why 
CBGB was what it was. An apartment 
where Andy Warhol lived in Union 
Square was cheap ... cheap and filthy! 


"People are 
starving in general, 
especially when 


you get to ... 
[Pauses] Hell, I'll 


music. [Laughs] 
Which just in- 
creasingly sucks!” 


Would you prefer a cheap and filthy 
apartment, or a mansion? 

| have a limit to my tolerance of cheap 
and filthy. But objectively, | got to say 
thats the only time city energy makes 
great music. The city has layers of 
knowledge, and it's tongue and its 
cheek. It creates characters of interest 
that the suburbs never can in this coun- 
try. But when the city becomes what itis 
now, the only people who can negotiate 
[are] going to be black crack dealers 
with portable equipment who dont have 
the time to actually write the songs 
themselves. They can just sample it off 
of something that was done already. 
There's no time now. There's no space, 
and money is getting tighter. I's very 
difficult to make an honest living. Its 
very, very difficult. You hit a geyser on 
that question. But its an important 
question. 

What band do you find interesting 
today? 

In New York City, | think the Strokes 
have become interesting just by virtue 
of their backgrounds and educations. 
These are well-educated boys who 
have learned certain things from their 
upbringing, and it affects their choices 
in a good way. That first record is very, 
very good. 

Which was harder for you to deal 
with: turning 30, 40, or 50 ... or is 60 
going to be the worst for you? 

Thirty was a big fucking drama. Not so 
much because it was 30, but because 
of what was actually going on. At that 
point, | thought, Gee, my teeth are 
falling out! | didn't look quite the same, 
and | started to realize that gravity 
was beginning to have its say and 
catch up with me. That was scary. 
Especially when you have no discern- 
able future. | was like, "Wow! Hmmm?" 
Forty was more like grim determina- 
tion. Like, All right, Im in the thick of 
this disgusting shit work. By the time | 
hit 50, | felt like | had done enough shit 
work. | thought, / cant stand it any- 
more! I'm going to do what | want! 
Second childhood, here I come. Gee, | 
hope this turns out all right. Here we 
go! It was unnerving. It was scary. But 
now | seem okay with it. | look back 
and think, Okay, I did the right thing at 
50. That was right. 

And 60? 

Sixty looks like a preparation for a 
segue. But it will probably happen five 
or six years after that. | suppose once 
you hit 65, you're officially O-L-D! 
[Laughs] You know what m saying? 
Even at 61, 62, and 63, you can say, 
"Damn, he still looks pretty good! He's 
stil got a young chick!" So Im not sure 
how all this will work out 

Is it better to burn out or fade away? 
Oh, I think it's best to just sneak out with 
as much shit that you can carrylo—s 


SEXDIARY 


By Laura Leu 


Thanks to a new sex 
trend, the British are 
coming (and everyone 
gets to watch)! It's about 
time we Americans got in 
on the action. 


| just returned from a vacation 
In London, and | was a typical 
tourist: | took pictures of Big 
Ben, ate fish 'n chips, and 
watched the Changing of the 
Guard, | also took a leisurely 
stroll through a park in the 
countryside, where | wit- 
nessed men jerking off to 
couples fucking each other's 
brains out. 

This was no fluke, Its a phe- 
nomenon, Dogging is a grow- 
Ing sex trend in the U.K. that 
combines exhibitionism, 
voyeurism, and a whole lotta 
wet-naps. In locales Ike car 
parks, couples regress to 
their horny high school days 


boinking in the b. 
notch by allowing others to watch them and, occasion 


of boinking in the backseat— 
only now, they've kicked it up. 
a notch by allowing others to 
watch and, occasionally, join 
in. Couples use signals to 
communicate whether people 
can walch and wank (interior 
light is on) or fondle and fuck 
(car door is open, or windows 
are rolled down). 

My friend Jack, a 24-year- 
old finance guy from New. 
York, had his dogging cherry 
popped on a recent busi- 
ness trip to London. He was 
ata club one night when a 
hot little tart began flirting 
with him and suggested they 
go dogging. He had never 
heard of the term, so she 


prove that he had been pay- 
Ing attention, he later ate her 
vulva in her Volvo, Hers was 
one of five cars in a park just 
outside London, and they 
shagged with the lights on. 
allowing voyeurs to wank to 
this Yank. Afterward, they 
noticed another couple. 


going at it with their door 
open, meaning, "If this car is 
arockin', please come a- 
knockin'" That's exactly what 
Jack and his lass did: The 
ladies situated themselves in 
the backseat, legs hanging 
out the door on each side, 
and the men took turns 
doing each of them, running 
back and forth from one side 
to the other. Imagine a 
Chinese fire drill—with a lot 
more sex 


Pusuc DisPLAYS OF ERECTIONS 
Dogging has been around for 
as long as people have been 
fucking al fresco. But the term 
originated in the early seven- 


described it in detail. To 


ties, when there was a boom 


In couples being spled upon 
at "Lovers' Lanes’ and other 
make-out points. Nowadays, 
Peeping Toms don't have to 
lurk—they're being invited, 
thanks to the Internet. (Lord 
knows it was only a matter of 
time before it became useful.) 
Dogging Websites have been 


*British couples are regressing to their horny high school days of 
ackseat—only now, they've kicked it up a 


popping up faster than 
voyeurs' erections. Sites like 
Dogging-Central.com and 
SwingingHeaven.co.uk allow 
users to scope out locations 
and post messages telling 
other pervs where they'll be 
screwing, Picky doggers 
use the sites to specify what 
types of people they're inter- 
ested in. Take Jane and 
Kevin, a kinky couple in their 
thirties who posted an ad 

on SwingingHeaven seeking 
four males in South Notting- 
ham to beef up their dog- 
ging escapade. Specifically, 
they're looking for "non-hairy, 
heavy cummers between the 
ages of 18 and 407 Jane says 
she doesnt swallow, but 


males who've had a vasecto- 
my ‘stand the chance of filling 
[her] with cum” 


TAKING THE DOGGERS FOR A 
TRANSATLANTIC WALK 

My friend Jack loved his dog- 
ging tryst so much, he tried to 
bring It back to the U.S.— 
unfortunately, without much 
luck. After posting an ad on 
CralgsList.org seeking dog- 
gers, the only responses he 
recelved were from those 
questioning what dogging 
was, and from others wanting 
to do him doggle-style, 

Its hard to believe that the 
British—a group of people so 
uppity and refined that they 
have a time reserved for 
drinking tea—could be such 
kinksters, But the reason for 
the dogging phenomenon, 
according to Dr. Richard 
Byrne, a sociologist who has 


ally, join in." 


studied public sex environ- 
ments, is the rampant media 
attention following a few 
celebrity-dogging exposures. 
(Stan Collymore, a famous 
soccer player, has admitted in 
interviews to dogging.) "This 
has brought attention to peo- 
ple who were otherwise ob- 
livious” says Doc Byrne. 
“Principally, it has raised the 
expectation of anonymous 
sexual experiences." So until 
Us Weekly catches Demi and 
Ashton humping in their SUV 
in front of a crowd ("Cele- 
brities—they fuck just like 
us!"), Americans might have 
to cross the pond to get their 
dogging on. Just dont forget 


topack the wet-naps.ot—3 
83 


Charlie L: 


Photographs by Brett Bereny 


The Wisconsin 
native wants 
to visit Paris, 

the Bahamas, 
and New 
Zealand. "But 
Las Vegas 

is my favorite," 
she says 
"You can 
party all night 
and naked 
girls are 
everywhere!” 


person" 
Charlie says. 
“And Llove. 
to be swep! 


3 


GIRLTALK 


By Rachel Kramer Bussel 


As Valentine's Day rolls 
around, romance is every- 
where, which leads me to 
wonder: ls sex better when 
you're in love? Most of my 
friends answer with an 
emphatic yes, so lets break 
out the champagne, choco- 
late, and roses and get down 
and dirty! 

Dana, a pregnant, married 
woman in her late twenties, 
insists that being in love is the 
key to the best orgasms. 
“First ofall, when you're in 
love, you cant think about 
anything except how much 
you love that person.” she 
enthuses. "That helps you for- 
get all about your body- 
image issues, and anything 
else that would hang you up 
and prevent you from having 
an awesome orgasm. 

"When youre in love, you 
orgasm ten times harder 


because you are just so 
psyched to be having sex 
with that person, Dana con- 
tinues. "And It frees you up to 
be more kinky because that 
element of trustis there. I've 
never written erotica, but the 
stories | come up with when 
min bed with my husband 
are rec-hot—ust ask him" 
According to Caroline, it 
doesn't necessarily have to 
be love, but there needs to be 
some kind of strong emotion 
present. Indifference just 
won't do the trick. "The best 
sex is either with someone Im 
in love with, or someone | 
really hate she says, laugh- 
ing. Huh? For her, its all about 
emotional extremes: Getting 


The, Hot Sex 


fired up, whether with lust or 
anger, is enough to gether 
body raring to go. Anyone 
who's ever had make-up 
sex—the kind where you rip 
each others clothes off and 
fling yourselves around the 
room in your race to the 
orgasmic finish line—knows 
this firsthand. 

Diana's whole life, including 
sex, is better when shes in 
love. "When I'm truly in love, 
everything my lover and I do 
takes on a glow. she says. 
"The sex is intensified. Even if 
were doing something in bed 
that | ve done with other guys, 
theres that feeling of not 
wanting to take my hands off 
him for a second. | become 
just as horny and greedy as 
he is” Diana admits she cant 
always keep her passion con- 
fined to the bedroom. "We 
sometimes have to be careful 


motto getin trouble in public. 
places, like the movie the- 
ater" she confesses. "When 
it's just someone Im dating 
casually | save it for the bed- 
room. Even though that can 
be fun, it doesnt take over my 
life in the same way. When Im 
in love, Im thinking about the 
guy 24/7, which makes me 
turned on all the time” 

Being in love also means 
feeling safe, which, rather 
than leading to cozy domes- 
ticity, can often lead to wild 
sex. Many women will try new 
things only if they're in bed 
with someone they love and 
trust. Says my friend Natalie, 
“Sex is more exciting when 
you're in love because you 
feel comfortable sharing your 
desires with your boyfriend. | 
can experiment because | 
know my boyfriend cares 
about what turns me on—he's 


not just living out some life- 
long fantasy" Then she adds, 
"Even if we wind up falling 
into a bit of a routine, the sex 
can still be fabulous —hiting 
the snooze button every 
morning so that you have just 
a few minutes to get each 
other off is a wonderful thing.” 
When I'm in love, | want to 
go the extra mile to please my 
partner, and | will go out of my 
way to make sure he’s satis- 
fied. Once, when my boy- 
friend was sick, | dressed up 
as a slutty nurse, fed him 
sorne chicken soup, then 
gave him a blowjob. Believe 
me, his symptoms were soon 
forgotten. Would | have done 
that for just anyone? No, and 
he knew it. True love and hot 
sex go hand in hand, so keep 
that in mind when you pre- 
pare to seduce her all over 
again on February 14.0 —g 


Handling the 


A 


Hottest Handlebars 


fec 


Renega 


eb 


Striking 
a menacing 
pose like 

no BMW 
you've ever 
Seen, the. 
K1200R has 
a wickedly 
aggressive 
mechanical 
personality to 
go withits 
heavy-metal 
appearance. 


Long ago in the dusty history of 
motorcycles, inventive types 
undertook all manner of wild 
engineering experiments to trick 
out their rides. They experiment- 
ed with suspension designs. 
frame architectures, and even 
stuck the engine on the front 
wheel—which was, apparently. 
unsuccessful 

Now, most manufacturers tend 
to follow the same overall design. 
From sport bikes to cruisers to 
touring bikes, there are few varia- 
tions in basic engineering. Most 
differences are in the details. 

Then there's BMW. 

This plucky Bavarian compa- 
ny—which supposedly builds 
cars, too—has messed with con- 
ventional engineering practices 
more than any other motorcycle 
manufacturer, introducing bells 
and whistles like fuel injection, 
antilock brakes, unusual suspen- 
sion designs, and even weird-ass 
turn-signal controls. Its engines 
have likewise been unique: 
Unfortunately, the two things you 
could count on with BMW were. 
mundare performance and fairly 
conservative styling. 


98 PENTHOUSECOM 


By Bill Heald 


BMW Motorcycles 


The K1200R pours delicious 
stout beer all over these old 
notions, then beats them to the 
curb with God's own bratwurst. 
Based on the K1200S chassis— 
BMW's first true superbike, which 
rolled onto the scene last year— 
the R is a pumped-up, bad-boy 
techno-freak of a motorcycle. This 
is no gentleman's touring mount. 
although a gentleman can cer- 
tainly tour on one, especially if he 


This starts with a 1157-cc inline 
four-cylinder engine thats tilted 
forward an aggressive 55 
degrees and pumps out 163 
horsepower atthe crankshaft. 
Fuel injection and BMW's slick 
Engine Management make throt- 
tle response smooth, immediate, 
and linear. This creatures man- 
ners are genteel at low revs in 
traffic, but at 6,000 rpm, the mill 
comes to life with a throaty intake 


you lean into the breeze. 
BMWS unique suspension 
includes their Duolever, double- 
A-arm front unit that separates 
steering forces from suspension 
movernent for a controlled ride. 
thatis as supple as the steering is 
responsive. Although this bike 
looks several blocks long, it turns 
like a middleweight sport bike. 
The icing on the cake is the 
optional Electronic Suspension 
Adjustment system. By touching a 
button on the handlebar, you can 
alter shock-damping through nor- 
mal, comfort, and sport modes on 
the fly. This is an innovation that 
works brilliantly. You can firm 
things up when charging into cor- 
ners, and switch to comfort when 
urban potholes appear. BMW's 
ABS brakes are similarly state of 
the art, and slow the Rs consider- 
able mass with bacon-saving 


909 
abd 


Your Fast Track to Speed and Style 


-The new 206 is a 1 
“carves corners, nd accelerate iy e no other 
PE calling it ipe ustest SN ile norte, history. 
as “Chevrolet has really done itthis time. On the woôd—give the 3:130-pound Z06 a weig! 
‚50th anniversary of the first Corvette V-8, the - © power ratio of a mere 6.2 pounds per hor: 
‘company has:chosen to introduce the quick- -... “power. That translates into a zera to 60. 
» ai Sen 7 87 secondsin frst gear, mina yous ar 


time of 11.7 


100 PENTHOUSE.COM 


By Jim = 
— —" 


102 PENTHOUSECOM 


weight materials help the ZO6 get fuel economy of 16 city and 
24 highway, numbers that are simply out of reach for most 
supercars. Its owners will pay no gas-guzzler tax. 

The LS7 severditer (427-cubic-inch) small-block V-8 engine 
is unlike any the company has ever built. Every engine is 
hand-assembled using premium parts and systems. Each is 
tested to generate 505 horsepower at 6,300 rpm. and 470 
foot-pounds of torque at 4,800 rpm. It uses sophisticated elec- 
tronic fuel injection and engine management, plus dry-sump 
lubrication like that in most race cars, to keep a constant 
supply of cool, pressurized lubricant flowing, no matter how 
hard the car is cornering. The system also helps to lower 
the cars center of gravity. 

It has a free-breathing, four pipe exhaust system, with two 
valved inboard mufflers that make even more music after a 
few seconds at full throttle. The engine, transmission, differen- 
tial, and steering box each have dedicated coolers. Clearly, 
the Z06 is designed to be driven by auto enthusiasts at very 
high speeds. 

The chassis was developed in Michigan, Virginia, Arizona, 
Canada, and the Nordschleife section of the Nürburgring in 
Germany. With a wider track width, bigger tires, stiffer shocks 
and springs, and larger stabilizer bars, the Zee-Oh-Six can 
achieve lateral acceleration of more than one g on the skid- 
pad. It has 18- by 9.5-inch alloy wheels, with 275/35ZR18 tires 
at the front; and 19- by 12-inch alloy wheels, with 325/30ZR19 
tires at the rear. This is the largest wheel-and-tire combination 
ever offered on a Corvette. The Goodyear run-flat tires elimi- 
nate the weight of a spare tire, jack, and inflator kit. Several 
levels of brake- and throttle-intervention yaw control are avail- 
able for track days. 

Stopping is by the trainload. Four-wheel ABS disc brakes on 
the Z06 consist of 14-inch vented and cross-dtilled front 
rotors, and 13.4-inch vented and cross-drilled rear rotors, ver- 
sus the 12.8-inch front and 12-inch rear rotors on the regu- 
lar Corvette. The front rotors use red-painted, six-piston 
calipers and six individual brake pads because they wear 
better than single-piece pads. In the rear there are four-piston 
calipers and four individual brake pads. 

The new Z06 has a wider front fascia with a larger grille 
opening, a splitter along the bottom, and wheel opening 
extensions to provide aerodynamic downforce. The front and 
rear fenders are three inches wider than standard, with a large 
air extractor behind each front wheel. The wider rear fenders 
with flares cover the fat rear tires, and there a brake-cooling 
Scoop in front of the wheels. There's a tall rear spoiler and four 
large stainless-steel exhaust outlets out back. Look on the 
front fenders for the big Z06 badge. 

Inside, the Corvette has electronic gauges and a 7.000-red- 
line tachometer, with a new readout scale on the oll-pressure 
gauge to reflect the higher pressure of the dry-sump olling 
system. It features a small-diameter, racing-siyle, three-spoke 
steering wheel. Seats are two-tone leather, with Z06 logos. 
Seat-side bolsters hold the driver in tight when cornering, with 
power adjustment only on the drivers seat 

Standard equipment is generous: High-Intensity Discharge 
(HID) lighting, fog lamps, left-right air conditioning, cabin air 
filtration, and the industry's slickest head-up display (HUD). It 
offers a track mode and an onboard g-meter Z06 options 
include a Bose audio system with an in-dash six-CD changer, 
polished wheels, a telescoping steering wheel, heated seats, 
side air bags, a navigation system with GPS, a universal 
remote, and XM satellite radio 

Recently, we had the opportunity to wring the Zoe's thick. 
hairy neck at Virginia Intemational Raceway—one of the 
tracks where it was developed by Chevrolets Corvette 


group—with driving tips from factory Corvette racers, 
American Le Mans Series champions, and 24 Hours of Le 
Mans champions Johnny O'Connell and Ron Fellows. 

The rambling VIR course offers plenty of fast corners, eleva- 
tion changes, blind places, and heavy braking. There's a long. 
long uphill front straightaway that never seems to end, punctu- 
ated with a couple of interesting whoopee rises. It has more 
than three gorgeous, toothy miles of E-ticket ride and half a 
dozen ZO6s to try out. Essentially its an ideal place for this 
Corvette to show us its stuff. 

The Z06 is so easy to drive fast that it puts other supercars 
to shame. The clutch feel and effort are nice and light, the six- 
speed manual gearbox shifts slickly and easily, and the 
engine response Is Immediate and thunderous, The small- 
diameter steering wheel takes your input directly to the huge, 
sticky tire treads, and feedback from the chassis is clear and 
instant. No fuss. No drama. lts Just a pure American sports 


The free-breathing, four-pipe e 


'? mush 


two Interior pips 


ən up to 


427-cuble-inch s 505 h 


8 engine In the Z06 (right 


minute, and 470 foot-pounds of tor 800 rpm. It 


that GM has c 


car, doing its job after 50 years of continuous development 

On a long, fast racetrack the size and shape of VIR, there is 
so much grip coming up from the chassis and monster tires, 
so much engine torque coming off the slower corners, and so 
much power in those huge brakes that a decent driver can hit 
150 mph after just a few familiarization laps. 

One of the additional benefits of such a strong, lightweight 
car is that the heavy-duty suspension doesnt intrude on the 
occupants of the cockpit beyond reason. That means a nice, 
smooth ride over most road surfaces. We pounded the Z06 as 
hard as we dared on the two-lane blacktop roads of Virginia. 
and North Carolina near the VIR facility, and our reward was a 
pretty soft ride, combined with lightning-quick side-to-side 
moves and face-flattening brakes. 

We saved the best part for last. The world’s greatest sports 
car value is the Z06, at an MSRP of $65,800. Its half the price 
of a Ford GT and $20,000 less than a Viperot-s 


103 


TL 
JAR GEL 
2004 
Runner-up: Cassia Riley 


Want to see more naughty 
pictures of me and my friends? 


Then come to my new website, 


SexyCassia.com! 

You can watch steamy videos 
where | strip naked and play 
with some new toys, see many 
hot new photosets and candid 
photos and read my personal 
blog. So, come see me at 


hEED.// wu. Sexucassia.com 


114 PENTHOUSECOM 


See her pictures and videos at 


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Gennumis nXZEN PLUS Bluetooth headset looks cool and 
claims the most powerful noise reduction on the market. The 
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blocks out ambient noise. You can also listen to MP3s or CDs 
while you place and receive calls. The lightweight unit provides 
seven hours of talk time and 100 hours of standby. $159.99. 
Gennum.com 


Take advantage of your cell phone's service with Uniden's 
ELBT595 5.8-GHz, Bluetooth-enabled docking station. Use 
your Bluetooth-ready cell phone to make and receive calls at 
home by connecting wirelessly to your cordless phone system. 
It supports up to ten additional Uniden ELX500 handsets. The 
system is compatible with a wide range of Bluetooth-enabled 
cell phones and headsets. $249.99 for ELBT595; $99.99 per 
ELX500 handset. Uniden.com 


SENNA y 
The scáls-riderBluetooth headset by 
cially designed for motorcycle helmets, 
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option to accept or reject calls without letting go of the handie- 
bar. Cardo has also embedded automatic volume-adjustment 
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ambient noise. It works for seven hours between charges. 
$149.95. CardoWireless.com 


By Ken Sandler + Photographs by Robert Lorenz 


Homeland Security 


Whether you're in or out, it’s no one's 
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Intermatic's HomeSettings wireless 
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Two-way feedback lets you know if the sig- 
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TECHNOMANIA 


The Model 400i high-definition 
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ViewSonic VASI2b LCD is an 
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The ¡Control from M-Audio is 

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Datato Go 


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SanDisk's Ultra II SD Plus 

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Fiction by Rachel Kramer Bussel — 


Girls in skirts are generally 
easy to figure out—they'll 
grab my hand and slide it 
under their panties. But 
this one was harder to figure 
out.... She was hot, yet 
I wanted her to keep her 
clothes on, those clothes 
that hugged every curve. illustration by Tomer Hanuka 


| usually go for girls in skirts, girls whose 
legs peek out from all manner of clingy 
fabrics—legs | can imagine sliding my 
hand up, up, up and meeting a hot, wet 
pussy that | can taste, twirl, and play 
with lo my hearts delight. Girls in skirts 
invite this kind of speculation as they 
sashay down the street, with only a 
slight breeze standing between them 


twirl, copped the lightest of feels—the 
kind that would make her wonder 
whether it was her imagination, whether 
| meant itor was oblivious to her beauty. 

She finished her drirk and tossed her 
cup to the ground, closed her eyes and 
proceeded to ignore me. She danced 
up a storm to her own unique beat. | did 
the same, not caring what my friends 


"| realized | had my hands full.... 
hips down, pushing against me 


and a peek at their lacy, pretty panties. 

Girls in skirts are much more likely to 
be flirts. They try to get me going with a 
carefully placed twitch as they inch up 
their skirts just enough for me to catch a 
glimpse of thigh. Skirt girls bring out my 
most aggressive side. Even though I'm 
one myself, | feel a flush of heat pass 
through me when skirt girls, whether in 
ihrift-store dresses, clingy minis, or prim 
to-the-knee office numbers, pass by me. 
Skirt girls make me wish | were a boy, 
wish | could grab them and shove them 
up against the wall to find out exactly 
what's happening underneath their 
hems. But this story isnt about a skirt 
girl. It's about another kind of tease 
entirely—a pants girl 

Shana was wearing pants that were 
clearly not from this era, with a slight 
resemblance to bell-bottoms that 
curved along her tender ass. Her ass 
wasn't big, but it was perfectly round- 
ed: it wasnt flat, which is all the rage 
but does nothing for me. These pants 
made me want to wear pants, to be a 
pants girl. They made me realize that 
for all the allure of the skirt, pants could 
cling and tuck and bend in ways a skirt 
just couldn't do. In addition to her 
pants, Shana wore a seventies-style 
shirt, a burntorange color covered in 
white beads that clung to her breasts 
with tenacity. She looked like an extra 
from Charlie's Angels, a 1970s hot 
mama ready to take me for a ride. | 
couldn't take my eyes off her legs, her 
ass, covered in those gorgeous pants. 
as she danced at the annual dyke rock 
festival, shaking her hips as her drink 
sloshed around in its red plastic cup. 

We were in that kind of crowd where 
the butches and the femmes pick sides. 
But Shana was a free spirit, shaking her 
ass in the midst of a group of freaks who 
didn't care what the rest of the crowd 
was doing. She raised a hand in the air, 
irying to hold on to her cup, her ass jut- 
ting out. I'd been talking to some 
friends, but stopped abruptly when | 
noticed her, my eyes glued to the way 
her clothes clung to every feminine 


124 PENTHOUSECOM 


M 


N 


curve. Though she wasn't wearing a 
skirt or any makeup, she was clearly a 
femme: Her hair was flopping down 
around her in pigtails; her face was sun- 
kissed and healthy, with a perfectly 
earthy glow. 

She looked over at me with a brief 
smile before she closed her eyes and 
threw her head back. | knew I'd have to 
be the pursuer if | wanted to start some- 
thing, which | most definitely did. 

| pushed my way through the crowd, 
clumping along in my black combat 
boots. Normally, | stood to the side, 
watching the dancers, never admitting 
to my deep-seated self-consciousness. 
But this time, | threw myself into it, 
matching her beat for beat, showing 
her that even though | was in a dress 
straight out of the closet of a 1950s 
housewife, | was truly a modern girl 

| grabbed her a few times, gave her a 


thought, knowing that the only way to. 
woo her was to match her individuality 
with my own. Finally, hours later, the 
music stopped. She looked up at me, 
glowing with sweat, energy, and sass. 
She leaned up and kissed me on the 
forehead. Then | led her onto the street, 
onto my bike, and into my bed. 

When | had her alone, | realized | had 
my hands full. Girls in skirts are general- 
ly easy to figure out—they'll grab my 
hand and slide it under their panties. 
But this pants girl Shana was harder to 
figure out. She straddled me, grinding 
her hips down, pushing against me until 
| was totally wet. | grabbed her hips and 
tried settling her onto my lap. She was 
hot, yet somehow | wanted her to keep 
her clothes on, relishing the fabric that 
hugged every curve. She leaned close 
and kissed me—a full, juicy kiss that 
made me topple backward. 

We tumbled around on the bed 
laughing, turning over and over, until 
finally | landed on top. | wedged my 
knee between her legs, pushing it up 
hard against her cunt. She instinctively 
hooked her legs over my shoulders. 

Her huge breasts were straining 
under her shirt and | had to taste them. 
"Lift up your shirt." | said. A shiver raced 
through me when she quickly did as | 
commanded. Her breasts were barely. 
covered by a wispy bra. Though they. 
were big, they were clearly natural {ul 
and round and perfect. 

| planted my knees on her legs, keep- 
ing them pinned down as | pushed her 
luscious tits together and began attack- 
ing both nipples at once, peeling down 
ihe lacy edges of her bra with my teeth to. 
take in the hard, pink nubs. 

| licked them at first, my tongue darting 
out, tasting and teasing, before bringing 
my lips together to suck on them. | knew. 
she'd be the kind of girl to go crazy if | so. 
much as brushed against her nipples. 
and | was doing much more than that. | 
sucked passionately, kneading her nip- 
ples into dark red points before lashing 
them with my tongue. 

"Yessss," she hissed as | twisted them 


hard between my fingers, so hard | knew 
she'd feel it for days afterward. She wel- 
comed the pleasurable pain, even as it 
made her tender buds stiffen. | loved 
how she didnt flaunt her tits in public, 
didnt have them practically hanging out 
as an offering to any horny passerby. 
Instead, she kept them covered, the full 
rich o'bs practically obscured by her 


her sides, her body totally serene as her 
pussy beckoned to me. Her hips arched 
involuntarily, and | pushed three fingers 
inside her, pressing and twisting as her 
cunt again tightened around me 

| didnt know her. not as well as | would 
come to, but for now, this was all | need- 
ed to know: She wanted me, was ready, 
wiling, and needy. If I'd thought those 


before sliding that last digit inside. She 
took my whole hand like it was nothing, 
but we both knew it was much more 
than that. She clutched me tightly, her 
teeth clenched, eyes closed tight as she 
spasmed around me. | barely had to 
move. My knuckles grazed her most 
tender walls, brushing against her 
body's deepest secrets, making tears of 


She straddled me, grinding her 
until | was totally wet.” 


plain orange top, just waiting for the right 
lover to come along and unlock their 
secrets. The more | twisted, licked 
sucked, and bit, the wilder she became. 
She squirmed all around, making a pre- 
tense of wanting me to stop, but clearly 
desiring me to continue. 

Finally. | paused. | reached my hand 
between her legs, pulling her now-wet 
pants tight against her pulsating pussy. 
She was practically dripping, melting, so 
wet that | knew she couldn't stand it 
which is exactly where | wanted her. | 
was wet, too; my panties were drenched 
from having my face buried between 
those juicy tits, which were now glowing 
a gorgeous red. 

“Tum over" | barked at her, not certain 
whether she'd comply. 

She did, too caught up in her erotic 
trance to care what I'd do next, as long 
as | touched her somewhere, anywhere, 
along her blazingly hot skin. 

| reached underneath her and 
unbuttoned her pants. She lay passively 
and let me do it. | went slowly, playing 
with her pussy. pinching her ass all the 
while. | felt her shuddering beneath me. 
When | finally eased those beguiling 
pants all the way down, | found only the 
flimsiest of panties, soaked through with 
her juices. | peeled those all the way off. 
too, and spread her legs, admiring the 
view of her pink pussy lips as she waited 
patiently for my next move. Holding the 
lips open with my fingers, | played with 
her wetness, stroking her. priming her. | 
slid a single finger inside her and it prac- 
tically melted with the heat as she silently 
begged for more, her cunt tightening 
around me. | slid the finger out, trailing 
wetness along her inner thigh. Then | 
leaned down and licked along her slit 
plunging my tongue inside her. She was 
sweet and salty, ripe in the best possible 
way. She eagerly pushed herself against 
my mouth, slick and delicious. | squeezed 
her ass cheeks, and gave them the occa- 
sional slap as | tasted her wildness. 

Then | turned her over, needing to see 
her in every possible position. Her eyes 
were closed, her hands splayed out at 


pants did her body justice, they were 
nothing compared to what her naked 
body did to me, leaving me breathless, 
She reached for me, her fingers grasp- 
ing for contact as she grabbed my arm. | 
lay down beside her, nibbling her lips, 
whispering sweet nothings into her ear 
as | pressed another finger inside her. 
"More, please,” she said quietly, again 
sounding like a child but with an adults 
manners and grace. Her voice broke as 
| quickly gave her exactly what she'd 
asked for. | pressed my thumb against 
her clit, pushing it deeply against her 
pubic bone, swirling it into ecstasy, 


joy form in her eyes. She let go of me 
and jerked backward, coming in a tor- 
rent of curses and contractions that left 
both of us speechless. 

| held her afterward, cradling her in 
my arms as she curled up against me, 
gripping my thin cotton dress for dear 
life. | looked down at her, her shirt still 
pulled above her jutting breasts, her 
bottom half pale and bare. After seeing 
her so stark and vulnerable, so graceful 
even as she let everything go, | knew I'd 
never look at her in quite the same way 
again. But no matter what, she'd always 
be my favorite pants girl.o+m 


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Emily MORTIMER 
Forty-three years after the 
debut of legendary funnyman 
Peter Sellers's accident-prone 
Inspector Jacques Clouseau 
in the original The Pink Pan- 
ther, Steve Martin steps into 
the characters infamous two 
left feet in a modern-day revis- 
iting, also titled The Pink 
Panther. Unlike, say, the 
James Bond franchise, the 
Panther comedies are better 
known for a cartoon mascot 
than for knockout leading 
ladies, but 2006 Panther star- 
let Emily Mortimer is a down- 
to-earth ravisher whose sexy 
allure gleams as dazzlingly as 
the jewel of the movies cen- 
tral heist. While Inspector 
Clouseau uncovers clues, 


Emily does not uncover her 
body, so do a ite detective 
work and dig up the 2001 
independent drama Lovely & 
Amazing. Atthe one-hour 
19-minute mark, Emily strips 
completely nude and asks her 
boyfriend for a welklit all 


— 
— ÁJ- 


126 PENTHOUSE.COM 


points evaluation of her taut 
tail, buoyant bosom, and 
delightfully fluffy muff. You'll 
crack more than your case 
over Emily in this Amazing 
scene, so dorit miss the 
chance to inspect her. 


SHANNYN SOSSAMON 
Ultra-exotic, superhumanly 
sexy eyeful Shannyn 
Sossamon descends into 
ancient limestone tunnels 
and graveyards beneath the 
streets of Paris in the super- 
natural thriller Catacombs 
and finds herself in a world 
of trouble. While Shannyn's 
explosive sensuality would 
certainly be enough to raise 
an army of the dead, the 
focus of Catacombs is. 
spooky thrills, not hand- 
made spills. For those, look 
no further than the comedy 
40 Days and 40 Nights 
(2002), wherein Shannyn 
tempts Josh Hartnett's char- 
acter, who has swom off 
intercourse for the duration 
of the title. In lieu of planting 
his seed, Hartnett has 
Shannyn lie back one hour 


y Delectable 
hic Showcase 


and seven minutes in, then 
brushes her bare body with 
flower petals, treating us to 
teasing glimpses of her 
superbly succulent chest- 
blossoms. She'll have you 
whipping up sauce-a, man. 


PIPER PERABO 
Piper Perabo boasts a pair of 
the most appetizing bee-stung 
lips in cinema history: a ithe, 
athletic physique; and an air 
of carnal confidence. Her new 
British-lensed romantic come- 
dy, Imagine Me & You (2005), 
puts a ticklish spin on a stan- 
dard "runaway bride" plotine. 
Piper playing a would-be wife, 


By Mr Skin 


falls for the female florist (Lena 
Headey) who's been hired to 
decorate her wedding recep- 
tion. Despite this potentially 
porntastic premise, youll have 
to do alot of imagining to 
extract any legit gir-on-girl 
kicks from Imagine. Piper and 
Lena's lezzie kisses never 
rise above the level of PG-13 
intensity, and both babes 
keep their clothes on. Fortu- 
nately, you dont have to con- 
jure a deliriously delectable 
sapphic showcase for Piper, 
asit already exists: the 2001 
coming-of-age drama Lost 
and Delirious (below). Hec- 
trically embodying a teen- 
aged tit-and-clit connoisseur, 
Pipers character takes up 
with—and goes down on— 


her boarding school room- 
mate, played by the volcani- 
cally voluptuous, mega- 
jugged Canuck Jessica Paré. 
The loving young ladies share 
numerous intimacies through- 
out the indie flick, but never 
more incandescently than 
during their nip-to-nip, lip-to- 
lip lezfest at the 28-minute 
mark. So go get Lost. + 


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Instead of attending 
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Wanda and Anita slip 
away to the back porch of the 
grand old mansion to 
revel in the warmth of the sunny 
spring day. Under the 
cover of a sheer white canopy, 
the girls indulge in some 
playful tit for tat, teasing each 
other with butterfly kisses 
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polished toes. 


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129 


Wanda leans 
back and 
peels open 
the soft petals 
of her sex, 
offering Anita 
a glimpse of 
her arousal 
Her sweet. 
perfume min- 
ales with the 
fragrant hon- 
eysuckle, stir- 
ring Anita's 
desire for 
pleasure. 


Ina ladylike 
fashion, 

Anita keeps 
her hat steady 
as Wanda 
licks small cir- 
cles up her 
creamy 
thighs, the soft 
tickle moving 
ever closer 

to the pulsing 


" 


Lr 


Feeling reck- 
less and 


136. PENTHOUSE.COM | > | 


Service by Linda Giustino * Photographs by Nicholas Eveleigh 


Her Deepest Desires: 


Your Girl 


Chocolate and flowers again? We don't think so. 


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137 


THERE'S ALWAYS 

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| joke frequently with my wife, 
Margaret, about her making out 
with my best friend. She is realy 
a sexy woman, but she had an 
old-fashioned upbringing and 
acts like a prude. Even though 
she gratifies her voluptuous 
appetite when we go to bed— 
where she demonstrates a filthy 
imagination—she seems to feel 
obliged to play Goody Two- 
shoes at all other times, espe- 
cially in public. For that reason, 
even though we had often dis- 
cussed the fantasy of her fucking 
and sucking another man while | 
watched, | didn't think it would 
ever happen. 


x 


Margaret began working out 
at a gym two or three times a 
week, even though at 34 she's 
quite fit and has a great body. 
Every couple of months she gets 
measured to check on her pro- 
gress. This had never been a 
big deal until recently, and the 
reason for that is the new in- 
structor, a shy and quiet young 
man named Trevor who is in 

his early twenties. 

Before long, Margaret and | 
were talking about a fantasy in 
which she seduces Trevor and 
fucks and sucks him in every 
way imaginable, This turned 
Margaret on immensely, and our 
sex life improved to no end. But, 
| told her repeatedly, our sex life 
would be enhanced tenfold if 
she ever lost her inhibitions and 
actually seduced Trevor. 

| was further encouraged 
when Margaret proudly told me 
that after her last measurement, 
the other girls teased Trevor 
about trying to cop a feel. His 
hands had seemed to linger on 


two of you 


Margaret's thighs and under her 
breasts while he took those 
measurements. 

| told her that she should give 
the kid an experience to re- 
member—et him cop a real feel 
She laughed and blushed, and 
when | pressed her she admitted 
that she had shifted her weight a 
bit while Trevor's hand was on 
her ribs and he had brushed 
against a nipple. And when he 
was checking her legs, she said, 
she had felt the back of his hand 
brush against her crotch 

"We could really have a great 
threesome with this guy." | said 
"Or | could just watch the two of 


E “We could really have a great 


you, it you'd like that better." 
Margaret went beet-red when 
she told me, "I'd really like to, but 
| think Id have to be extra horny 
to take the first step." She was 
thoughtful for a while, then said 
"You can help me by tuming me 
on, you know." | promised | 
would, and that night, during 
foreplay, | ran my hand from her 
stomach to her fit. | squeezed her 
nipple and told her that was what 
she should let Trevor do the next 
time. Then | moved my hand up 
her leg and stroked her thigh 
before placing it on her pussy. As 
she parted her legs, | told her 
that when Trevor measured her 
legs, she should bend her knees 
slightly so that his hands would 
slide right up to her hot spot. 
Margaret called me at work on 
the day of her next measuring 
session, "Come on home for lunch 
and get me as horny as you can,” 
she said. "I want to lose my inhibi- 
tions and get it on with Trevor” 
We talked dirty and got turned 
on over lunch. | started playing 


Expectations 


with her nipples. Margaret 
moaned as | caressed her pussy. 
Her moans increased and she 
rotated her hips, ready for a 
farewell fuck. But | pointed out 
she'd be late if we did that. | 
gave her a flimsy set of silk 
underwear and told her to wear 
them instead of her sports 
undies. "Trevor will appreciate 
them,” | said, and left the room 
so she could get dressed. When 
she came to kiss me good-bye, | 
tweaked her nipples until they 
were visible through her top and 
rubbed her pussy. 

"m ready for Trevor now,” she 
told me 


threesome 


with this guy,” I said. “Or | could just watch the 


, if you'd like that better.” 


When Margaret came home a 
few hours later, she headed 

straight for the shower, as usual 
Afterward she came out into the 


140 PENTHOUSE.COM 


A CLASSIC FIRST-PERSON ACCOUNT FROM PENTHOUSE UNCENSORED V, PUBLISHED BY WARNER BOOKS 


living room in her robe. | asked 
her how her session went. She 
sat on the couch beside me and 
sighed deeply. "It went just 
fine,” she said 

"How's Trevor?” | asked. She 
blushed and said nothing. 

"Lock," | said, "whatever hap- 
pened with Trevor is okay with 
me. | was the one who egged 
you on, remember? So you can 
tell me about it. That was sup- 
posed to be part of the fun, was- 
nit? | could feel her relax then, 
and as she told me what had 
happened, her nipples hardened 
under my fingers. 

Margaret said that Trevor was 
busy with some other people 
when she arrived at the gym. 
She started to work out. The silk 
bra rubbed against her nipples 
and made them hard, and she 
knew they were visible to any- 
one who might happen to look at 
her. This thought, and the fact 
that her flimsy lacy panties were 
riding up into her pussy slit, 
made her wet. 


Trevor called to her to come 
and get measured. As she 
walked across the room, she felt 
Trevor's eyes on her swaying tits 
and nipples. Trevor reached 
around Margaret from the back to 
measure her, and in doing so he 
brushed a trembling hand against 
a stiff nipple. Then he put his other 
hand around her, ostensibly to 
retrieve the other end of the mea- 
suring tape. As he did so, he 
pinched one of Margarets nip- 
ples. Then he quickly squeezed 
the entire tit. Then, she said, as 
Trevor pulled his hands away, he 
slid them down her sides and 
along her hips. Trevor knelt be- 
side Margaret to measure her 
legs. When his hand was high on 
her leg, measuring her inseam. 
Margaret buckled her knees 
slightly so that his hand pressed 
lightly against her pussy. When he 
looked up at her, she closed her 
eyes and pressed harder against 
his knuckles. She softly moaned 
as he made contact with her 
slit. Trevor pushed his hand back 
and rubbed harder against her 
stiff love bud. 

Margaret began to grind her 
hips on his hand. Trevor whis- 
pered to her, "Don't go any- 
where. I'll be back." Then he 
went over to see off the last few 
women who were leaving. When 
the last woman left, Trevor locked 
the door, came up behind Mar- 
garet and caressed her ass, then 
ran a hand between her legs and 
rubbed her pussy. She moaned, 
and that got results. He pulled 
her sweatpants down to her 
ankles and started kissing the 
back of her thighs. Margaret 
spread her legs farther apart and 
leaned over the stool in front of 
her. Then Trevor kissed his way 
to Margaret's pussy and licked it 
through her panties. 

Trevor pulled her panties down 
to her ankles and licked her 
pussy and thighs. She kicked the 


panties off and spread her legs. 
Trevor lay on his back and pulled 
her over him so that she strad- 
dled his head. Margaret said her 
pussy dripped on Trevor's face 
as he stuck his tongue up into 
her slit. At the same time, he slid 
his hands beneath her top 
raised her bra above her tits, 
and played with her nipples. She 
ground her pussy as she came 
on his tongue. 

When my homy darling caught 
her breath, she saw that the 
head of Trevor's cock was push- 
ing up out of his sweats. She 
pulled the pants down below his 
balls, leaned over, and licked his 
hard shaft as she played with his 
balls. Trevor renewed his tongue 
action on her clit. Margaret told 
me she wanted him to come first, 
so she rubbed his cock as she 
licked the head. When he 
moaned and bucked, she tight- 
ened her grip and increased her 
speed until he grunted loudly and 
shot hot seed, which she gulped 
down as she came with him. 
When they caught their breath, 
Margaret wiped them both off 
with a towel, and they dressed 
and parted. They agreed that this 
should not happen again, Mar- 
garet said, but we both knew that 
with my help, it would. 

As she told me the story, Mar- 
garet had been stroking my 
Cock. | had two fingers diddling 
her hot pussy and my thumb on 
her clit. She started to tremble, 
and suddenly she pushed me 
onto my back. She dropped on 
my hard cock and rammed her 
pussy down onto it. | sucked 
her nipples as she rode me 
fiercely. Then she shouted as 
she orgasmed. | shot come 
deep into her hungry snatch, 
While she recovered her calm, | 
told her that next time | wanted 
to watch her and Trevor. She 
gave me a long, deep kiss.— 
TL, Petoskey, Michiganot-g 


“When he 
looked up at 
her, she 
closed her 
eyes and 
pressed hard- 
er against 

his knuckles. 
She softly 
moaned as 
he made 
contact with 
her.” 


141 


By Bil Schulz 


E STAND-UPGUYS 


TRADING 


PUNCH LINES WITH COMEDY'S 


ith the nonthreatening good 
looks of a Tiger Beat pinup 
bona fide acoustic guitar 
chops, and the tenor voice of 
an earnest pop star, Stephen 
Lynch sings about ugly 
babies, grabby priests, and 
pulling the plug on your 
grandparents to speed 
along your inheritance. 


How do songs about 
Jesus’s hard-partying 
brother and poisoning chil- 
dren on Halloween play in 
the Bible Belt? 

Surprisingly well, actually 
Every time | play a college 
around there, | get the same 
instructions from the adult 
portion of the student activi- 
ties board, which is, "You 
know, we're a very conserva- 
tive school, and the kids 
don't Ike to hear things that 
are too racy or over the 
edge” And it's always a lie. | 
just smile, nod, and say I'l 
take it into consideration, 
and then | get up onstage 
and try to be as disgusting 
as | possibly can. The faculty 
will walk out, but the kids 
always enjoy it 

There must have been 
some negative responses 
along the line, though. 

Oh, yeah. | went to do the 
Kennedy Center once, and 
whoever hired me didn't real- 
ly do any research because 
he booked me onto an after- 
noon show that was free and 
encouraged families and 
children to attend. | decided 
that the best way to do it was 
to just cut to the chase and 
start off with the worst possi- 


142 PENTHOUSE.COM 


"Singing songs about politics just dates my songs. Giving 
birth to an ugly baby is universal.” 


ble song | could think of. | 
started singing a song called 
“Lullaby” about a father 
telling his daughter hes 
divorcing her mom because 
he likes whoring, and porno, 
and rubbing up against kids 
in a bus. And | almost saw 
itin slow motion—these 
hordes of parents running to 
their children, picking them 
up, covering their ears, and 
rushing out 

You were on Mitch Hed- 
berg's last tour. Could you 
tell that all was not well. 
with him? 

only knew of him before the 
tour, and we dicht really 
hang out together during it. 


Sometimes we'd have a cou- 
ple of drinks after a show at 
a hotel bar. | could tell, with 
some of his performances, 
that he just didnt seem as 
alert or lucid as | would've 
expected him to be. But even 
at his worst shows, I'd sit by 
the side of the stage and 
watch him because he was 
so funny. 

Ever taken a stab at writing 
a soulful ballad or a seri- 
ous rock anthem? 

Yeah, | have. And maybe II 
release them someday when 
| get tired of doing this. 
Eventually l'Il let these songs 
out of their litte cage. | guess 
| would have to use a differ- 


ent name. I've thought about 
going to a place where 
nobody knows who | am— 
which is most of the country, 
bythe way—and walking inio 
a little coffee shop and play- 
ing the non-funny songs to 
get a sense of what its like. 
What's one of your favorite. 
mementos you've acquired 
from being out on the road 
and hobnobbing with the 
celebrity elite? 
Gonorrhea. | dont display it 
prominently, but the medi- 
cine is in my bathroom cabi- 
net. That's the most memo- 
table thing I've picked up on 
the road. 
What's the most embar- 
rassing song on your iPod 
right now? 
Hmm, good question. | have 
my iPod right here, so let 
me check. [Scrolls through 
songs] Well, the first thing 
that came on is "Friends" 
by Whodini, but that's not 
embarrassing at all. | like that 
song. Let me look through 
artists. 
Any name that pops up 
and doesn't make you 
think “artist” is probably a 
jood bet. 
[Laughs] Yeah. lm now curi- 
ous as to what | should be 
taking off my iPod.... Oh, I've 
gota Dolly Parton version 
of "Stairway to Heaven.” But 
that's kind of cool, 
How do you deal with 
preshow jitters? 
My rider states, "Two cases 
of Miller High Life and two 
packs of Marlboro ciga- 
rettes." Thats all | really care 
about. So | just pace back- 
stage, and | drink, and | 
smoke, and | go over my set 
in my head. | did Montreal's 
Just For Laughs festival last 
summer, and they provided 
me with some beer that | 
didnt realize had a higher 
alcohol content than | was 
used to. | justremember 
drinking four or five of them 
before the show and going, 
Wow, Im pretty fucked 
up right now. And | ended 
up having one of the best 
sets of my life. 


‘Stephen ynch.com 


When was the last time you had to 
apologize after sex? 

When was the last time | had to apolo- 
gize after sex? Huh, | dunno. I'd have 
to ask my wife. Hold on. [Leaves the 
phone] She says, "How dare you ask 
that!” 

Take me through the genesis of the 
“Baby” song. | had a laugh-induced 
seizure the first time | heard it. 
| live in a loft in Williamsburg, [Brooklyn] 
and we've got a huge wall full of pictures 
and paintings. And | saw a picture of my 
wife, as a baby, on the wall. Contrary to 
what youre already thinking, | thought 
she was the cutest Iitle kid I've seen in 
my life. Then | thought, But what if she 
wasnt? How would you deal with having 
a really ugly fucking baby? So | wrote, 
like, 50 verses and scaled it down, and | 
ended up with what | had 

Your wife is a very pretty blonde, yet 
“Vanilla Ice Cream” is all about your 
desire for black—and only black— 
love. Was this just a phase during 
your single days? 

| dont want to incriminate myself, but 
yes. | just threw my whole marriage out 
the window. The inspiration, though, 
was from a friend of mine who was in 
love with a black girl who worked near 
his cubicle. | think | came up with the "I 
you're a cracker, you better get blacker” 
line right when he was telling me about 
it. Im also proud of the line "If youre a 
Nubian, | want you to be in every fanta- 
sy of mine" 

Nice. You can't get that from a 
rhyming dictionary. 

You know, youre absolutely right. Those 
just have to enter your brain. 

Your mom and dad were a nun anda 
priest, respectively, before leaving 
the flock to make you. | assume they 
have critiques about the content of 
some—okay, all—of the songs you 
sing. 

Once. | think it may have been the priest 
song. And it wasnt because of the reli- 
gious content, but because my mom 
didn't think child molestation was some- 
thing | should be joking about. And she 
was probably right. But they get a kick 
out of coming to my shows. 

Are there topics even you won't sing 
about? 

People always give me 9/11 sugges- 
tions. Comics can make jokes about it 
and thats fine, but | dont know how | 
could possibly find something funny 
about it. And singing songs about poli- 
tics just dates my songs. Giving birth to 
an ugly baby is universal 

Right. People could sing the ugly- 
baby song in Taiwan. 

Especially in Taiwan. [Laughs] Nah, but 
thats offensive. Oz 


Stephen Lynchs latest album, The Craig 
Machine, is on sale now. 


CREDITS 


Page 4 clockwise from top right, Ken Marcus, J. 
Stephen Hicks, Ken Marcus, Brett Bereny; page 
5 dockwise from top left, Robert Lorenz. Mark 
Mann, courtesy of General Motors, Robert 
Brown: page 6, Suze Randall; page 10 left, Doug 
Curran: page 10 right, Chris Helcermanas- 
Benge; page 12 top, Darien Michaels; page 12 
bottom, courtesy of Majesco: page 13 op, Myles 
‘Aronowitz: page 13 bottom, left to right, Ron 
Philips/OTouchstone Pictures, 2005 Meris 
Wallace, SMPSP/New Line Productions, Fico 
Torres, Frank Masi page 14 let (al), courtesy of 
Wellspring: page 14 right, top to bottom, courtesy 
al Paramount Home Entertainment, courtesy of 
Paramount Home Entertainment, no credi cour- 
tesy ol Shout! Factory, courtesy of Warner Bros. 
Entertainment, Inc., courtesy of ThinkFilm: page 
15 top left, foreground, Francesco Bilichesu/ 
Getty Images; page 15 top left, on screen, Lions 
Gale Home Enterlainment; page 15 top right 
courtesy of Twentieth Century Fox Home 
Entertainment: page 15 bottom right, courtesy of 
Sony; page 16, James Minchin; page 17 top 
right, Frank Ockenlels; page 17 bottom loft 
Helin Kayne: page 18 top, ian Andersen: page 
18 bottom, Tim Mosentelder/Gelty Images: page 
20 (al), Jonny Nunez: page 28 right, Island; 
page 29, Fred Groenslado/FeulersCcrbis: page 
30 top, Don Smith/NBAE/Getty Images: page 30 
bottom, Glenn James/NBAE/Gelly Images; page 
36 clockwise from left, Dave Marlin/AP Photo, 
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page 37 clockwise rom let, Agence Zoom/Gelty 
Images, Frederick FlorinjAFP/Gelly Images, 
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Images; page 39 clockwise from let, Elsa/Getty 
Images, James Davaney/Wirelmage.com, Paul 
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left, OPatrk Giardino Corbis; page 40 right, OH. 
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courtesy of Loews Hotels, Henrik Sorensen/Gelty 
Images, OAshok Charles/Gelly Images, 
CLighiscapes Photography, Inc./Corbis; page 
48, Tim McKenna/Dolphin Image Produc- 
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Press/Retna, Lid: page 60, Ken Goff Photos! 
Wireimage.com; page 61 left, Lori Conn/ 
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Stephane!Corbis Sygma: page 61 second from 
right, Retna: page 63 clockwise trom top left, 
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PennylEPS/Landcu, Dave Hogan/Gelty Images. 
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Getty Images, M. Thomsen/Corbis, Royalty- 
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Gákram SalehfFeulersiCorbis: page 148, Lionel 
Delvy: page 151 bottom right, Ken Marcus: page 
1182, courtesy of Madness Pictures; page 154 top 
left (four John Constantino: page 154 top right, 
center right, bottom right, and bottom middie, 
Charles iwin: page 155 right, J. Lingo; page 155 
bottom, Ginger Jole: page 156, Ear Miler; page 
187, Suze Randall; page 158, Earl Miler: page 
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AI Balo/Gelty Images. 


girl next 
door.. 
the 

girl of 
your 
dreams... 


mu 
Pe! 


143 


MILITARYAFFAIRS 


By Ernest Volkman 


That's the 
amazing corr 
clusion of 
some of 
Defense Sec- 
retary 
Rumsfeld's 
advisers. 


Wace WAR 
Theres a time bomb 
ticking away deep in the 
bowels of the Pentagon 
and when it explodes, it 
may affect every level of 
the US. military, from 
senior officers lo the 
lowliest private. Thats 
because the bomb is 
the explosive issue of 
military compensation, 
or what everyone in uni- 
form gets paid. 

It began ticking about 
two years ago, when the 
chief aides of Secretary 
of Defense Donald 
Rumsfeld got the per- 
fectly stupid idea that 
U.S. military personnel 
are overpaid. 

That would be news 
to soldiers, airmen, and 
Marines, many of whose 
salaries leave them eligi- 
ble for food stamps and 
other welfare programs. 
They would also be sur- 
prised to learn that 
some Pentagon brains 
concluded that person- 
nel with six or more 
years of service earn 
about $90,000 annually. 
How did they arrive at 
that incredible figure? 
Well, it turns out they 


added up the “dollar 
value” of everything 
connected with military 
compensation, includ- 
ing the costs of pen- 
sions, medical care, 
and other noncash in- 
tangibles. Then they 
divided that figure by 
the total number of men 
and women in uniform. 
Ergo, enlistees earn a 
lot of money, no matter 
what their bank ac- 
counts say. 

The "experts" moved 
to cut. They told Rums- 
feld that the entire mili- 
tary pay system must 
be overhauled, with the 
objective of trimming 
costs. The result was 
the classic Pentagon 
bureaucratic maneuver: 
the appointment of an 
"advisory committee" to 
study the matter. The 
function of such com- 
mittees is to confirm the 
theories of decision- 
makers, while serving 
as a convenient scape- 
goat in case a political 
flap ensues. 

Unsurprisingly, the 
committee concluded 
that Rumsfeld's advis- 
ers were right: Military 


personnel costs were 
too high and needed to 
be reined in. Specifi- 
cally, they recom- 
mended that the 20- 
year retirement role be 
stretched (active-duty 
personnel now can retire 
after 20 years of ser- 
vice); that pensions to 
retirees be reduced to a 
percentage of their final 
pay; that retirees pay a 
larger share of their 
medical costs; that sur- 
vivors receive reduced 
pay and benefits; and 
that Tricare, the military's 
health-care system, be 
scaled back. They also 
concluded that military 
pay should be tied to 
performance, and that 
pay rates should be ad- 


Justed to specialties. In 
other words, those with 
critically important spe- 
cialities should get paid 
more than those with- 
out. A radar expert, for 
example, would be 
paid more than an in- 
fantry grunt. 

As these governmen- 
tal goings-on became 
known, service associ- 
ations and veterans or- 
ganizations reacted 
negatively. They ve told 
Rumsfeld the commit- 
tee's central ethos— 
that the military pay 
system should be re- 
made to re- 
semble the 
system of 
pay and 
benefits in 
the private 
sector—is 
idiotic. It 
anything, 
they noted, 
military per- 
sonnel are 
underpaid 
Plus, com- 
paring civil 
ian workers to military 
men and women, who 
literally offer their lives 
as a working condition, 
is nonsensical 

Later this year, the 
committee's recom- 
mendations are sched- 
uled to be formally 
adapted by Rumsfeld's 
inner circle, which in 
turn will formulate a 
package of changes to 
be submitted to Con- 
gress—the ultimate ar- 
biter of who gets paid 
what in the military. 
Judging by the violent 
reaction of service or- 
ganizations, any pack- 
age that reduces mili- 
tary compensation 
faces a very uncertain 
future.Ot—g 


144 PENTHOUSE.COM 


By Ralph Gardner Jr. 


Howard, a top corporate. 
lawyer. describes her as 
“quite harsh, a pistol. She'll 
tear into you” Jeff, a Fortune 
500 executive, says that the 
first time they had lunch 
together, she berated him. 
*She said, 'You're not making 
eye contact with me. If you 
want to look at your crotch, 
goto the bathroom. " 

The woman in question. 
Lynn Diamond, slaps some 
of the most powerful and 
successful men in America 
into shape—and charges 
them through the teeth for 
the privilege. She turns them 
into submissive puppies 
before she's through 

[Lynn] charged $30,000 
for six months of working with 
her" Jeff told us, adding, 
"And | re-upped for another 
six months." 

Her willingness to inflict 


*This executive 


puppies—and ch 


pain to the contrary, Lynn 
Diamond isnt a dominatrix. 
Shes an executive coach 
and an industrial psycholo- 
gist. What may be most sur- 
prising about her career, 
though, besides her brash 
behavior modification tech- 
niques, is that most of her 
clients are already highly 
successful men 

People starting out in the 
workplace believe they 
screw up because they're 
young and inexperienced 
But Diamond says that peo- 
ple 20 and 30 years into their 
careers stil lack some of the 
most basic skills. So take 
heart. The secret is humility, 
which means admitting—first 


146 PENTHOUSE COM 


Corporate 


and foremost to yourselt— 
what you dont know, and 
being open to learning. 

Where her clients typically 
fall shortest, Diamond says. 
isin communicating with oth- 
ers. They're too focused on 
content, and not enough on 
context. "ILisnt our words,” 
she explains. "Its the deliv- 
ery. Its the small things. Not 
looking someone in the eyes 
Talking around the point” 

For example, her client 
Jeff's problem was poor inter- 
personal skills. His coworkers 
gave him low performance 
grades, saying that, while 
hes a decent guy who meant 
well, his inability to communi- 
cate clearly left them baffled 
“Listen to yourself as the 
other person hears you.” 
Diamond instructs. "Its not 
about you. It's about that 
other person.” 


coach slaps some 


The other thing Jeff says 
he learned is that you have to 
be able to identify the com- 
munication styles of cowork- 
ers and bosses, and mold 
yours to fit theirs. Conven- 
tional wisdom says the way 
to bond with your boss is to 
find a shared interest— golf 
for example—or to crack a 
joke. Yet some people, like 
Jeff's boss, are all business. 
Jeff explains, "I changed 
my interactions to be more 
business-focused, much 
crisper and to the point.” 
Finally, Diamond taught 
Jeff how to sell himself. In a 
competitive environment, its 
mot enough to be good at 
your job; almost everybody is 
good at their job. You have to 
stand out. "Its called self- 
branding; Jeff says. "Its 
coming up with a personal 
marketing plan,” and proving 


Basic Tramine: 


to others—especially key 
players in the company—that 
youre a goto person who 
can get the job done. 

What you wear is obviously 
part of that branding. But 
dressing for success is differ- 
ent than dressing to attract 
attention. That's exactly what 
you con't want to do, unless 
youre auditioning for the cir- 
cus or a job in the fashion 
industry. "Its not about style 
Its about making dress a 
nonissue,” Diamond says. 
"You dress for your next job, 
not the job youte in.” In other 
words, if you want to be the 
boss, dress like the boss. 

Howard's problem wasnt a 
malfunctioning wardrobe, but 
an office that looked like it 
had been bombed. “It was a 
disaster area,” he acknowl- 
edges. "Lynn sat down 
grabbed the first piece of 


of the most powerful men in 


America into shape, turning them into submissive 


arges them through the teeth for the privilege.” 


paper on my desk, and said, 
"Who going to do something 
with this? " Whatever docu- 
ments she didn't throw out, 
she told Howard to either act 
on them or delegate the job 
to somebody else. 

While Diamonds advice 
didnt come cheap, Howard 
says he was able to amortize 
the cost by applying some of 
her suggestions at home. 

"I found myself delegating 
more things to my wife 
Howard confides. "I'd say, 
"Get this done." But, quickly 
drawing on some of those 
pricey new interpersonal 
Skills that Diamond helped 
install, he adds, "I did it more. 
delicately than that"O+—a 


Illustration by Chris Gall 


By Aaron Karo 


ScHhödled 


In only a few short months, 
college seniors across the 
nation will engage in the rite 
of passage known colloqui- 
ally as "Holy Fucking Shit, | 
Have to Get a Job!" After all, 
it's never a pleasant moment 
when you realize that four 
years of studying keg-tap 
repair won't get you that 
plush corner office you were 
hoping for. Unless, of course, 


you go to work for a keg-tap 
repair company. In which 
case, could you pass on my 
résumé? 

In my last column, | an- 
swered a question from a 
harried reader who was frus- 
trated with the on-campus 
recruiting process. Since 
then, | have thought of a bet- 
ter response: Why bother 
interviewing at all? Or, more 
directly, who needs a job any- 
way? Have you considered 
the alternative? Its called 


grad school, or, as | like to 
call it, "Diet Life" Here are 
your options: 


Business school: Ask any 
MBA student what the bene- 
fit of business school Is, and 
they'll all say the same thing: 
networking. You get to meet 
alot of other people who are 
also too lazy to get a real job 
and discuss what you would 
theoretically do if you ever 
become a big boy. 

Benefit: Most business 
schools don't even give out 
grades. 

Drawbacks: Many MBA stu- 
dents are uptight and wear 
loafers. But on the bright 
side, every Thursday night 
theres an open-bar "net- 


| Working" event. And one 


mans networking event is 
another man's opportunity to 
bang your hot Brazilian 
microeconorrics professor. 


Medical school: Are you a 
masochist? Do you enjoy 
long stretches without sleep? 
Does the sight of bloody, bul- 
bous tumors turn you on? 
Then med school is for youl 
Five of my best friends are 
doctors who just graduated 
from medical school and, let 
me tell you, they are out of 
their fucking minds. | thought 
they'd get a white lab coat, a 
cool stethoscope, a few. 

giant textbooks, and be able 
to just coast for at least the. 
first few months. One of my 
buddies cut into a cadaver 
on her first day of class! 


Which is why | can confi- 


dently say that medical 
school is the one graduate. 
school that is actually worse 
than having a real job. 
Benefit: Nurses. 
Drawbacks: Did | mention 
the bloody, bulbous tumors? 
And then there's the small 
detail of not making a lick of 
money until about four years 
after you graduate—with 
something like a quarter of a 
million dollars of debt. 


Law school: Ah, law 
school—the real world's 
compost heap, At a recent 
college stand-up gig. | 
poked fun at students who 
were taking the LSATs. A girl 
who was studying for the. 
exam actually got up and 


“Why bother interviewing for a job anyway? 
Have you considered the alternative? It's called 
grad school, or, as I like to call it, ‘Diet Life.’ ” 


walked out, thereby proving. 
my point. At the end of the 
day, if you really have no 
idea what you want to do 
with your life, and you're 
looking for some like-minded 
Individuals with whom to 
share your insecurity and 
ambivalence, then law school 
is for you. Keep in mind, you 
will actually be studying law. 
(A fact, it seems, that many 
people taking the LSATs tend 
to overlook.) 

Benefits: Its three years 
long, but you really only have 
to try during your first year. 
Once you get a summer 
internship, you can parlay 
that into a full-time job and 
pretty much coast the rest of 
ihe way. 

Drawbacks: That full-time 
job will involve practicing 


law. However, of the Big 


Three types of grad schools | 
have mentioned, law school 
definitely has the most 
attractive women. And isn't 
that whats most important 
here? 

| hope my inside tidbits 
about graduate schools have 
helped you out. Though, if 
you are the type of person 
who is considering grad 
school, no doubt you have 
trouble making decisions 
and this column has left you 
even more scared and con- 
fused. In which case, my 
work here Is done. As 
always, if you have any 
questions you'd like me to 
address in a succinct and 
witty fashion, send 'em to 
karoG penthouse.com 


Dear Karo: 

How do you get two girls 
into bed at the same time? 
I've heard all kinds of tips, 
but how do you really do it? 
I'll be honest—l've never had 
a threesome. Furthermore, | 
cant think of one friend of 
mine who has. | think the 
prevalence of threesomes has 
been vastly overblown (not 
least to blame is the very 
magazine youre reading). | 
have a hard enough time get- 
ling one chick into bed, let 
alone two. And who wants to 
hook up with both me and 
another girl? A threesome 
with two hot girls is pretty 
much a myth, unless youre a 
rock star or former president. 
However, if advice-column- 
writing comedians ever get 
added o that elite group, 


youll be the first to know.O4— 


148 PENTHOUSE.COM 


à 


Where the Magazine Comes to Life 


150 PENTHOUSECLUBS COM 


PEEK INSIDE 


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For starters, theres the Panther 
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head TVs? Beer, wine, and mixed 
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sofeel free to bring in your six- 
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Thats right, the hot-tub suites. 
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sion: Wednesday is Amateur 
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182 PENTHOUSE.COM 


THE ASIAN INVASION 


Azn Ultra Idols! 
(Madness Pictures) .L 4.4. 


Director David Aaron Clarks admiration 
of Asian women in the adult-film indus- 
try has garnered him several Adult 
Video News awards—and for good rea- 
son, He doesnt have the typical porn 
directors eye, which depicts Asians as 
submissive and ultimately diminutive 
towers of power, On this disc, Clark 
indulges in a skillful blend of kinky fore- 
play and hard-core fucking that Is sel- 
dom breached, even in mainstream 
Asian/ethnic porn, In one scene, life- 
style domme Mistress Hiroko takes on 
black and studly Tyler Knight, who lays 
a mighty fucking on her that strips away 
her dominant exterior. In another, jour- 
neyman Brian Surewood sticks it in the 
slim and slinky Jade, who is in a leather 
sling; their anal scene is a keeper. 
Elsewhere, Mr. Marcus gets double- 
teamed by Kammy and her special 
friend, the delicious cover girl Yumi. The 
action Is occasionally slow to start, but 
once it does, it sizzles like spit on a 
griddle. Highly recommended. 


PENTHOUSE Pick 


Camp Cuddly Pines Power Tool 
Massacre 
(Wicked Pictures) J.J..L 4. 


This three-disc set pokes some good- 
natured fun at horror films, borrowing 
from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, 
Friday the 13th, Halloween, and The 
Toolbox Murders. In this story, four col- 
lege kids are on their way to a heavy- 
metal concert and find themselves lost 
in the woods after running over a mys- 
terious stranger. As you'd expect from a 
Wicked film, the sets are great, the 
story is good, and the acting is actually 
better than it is in most comparable 
B-movies. (Then again, Stormy Daniels 
could read a phone book and I'd be 
captivated.) You'll be satisfied with ten 
whopping sex scenes, including a very 
hot two-couple fuck with Daniels and 
Jessica Drake. Manuel Ferrara takes 
on four women in an insane asylum. 
Voodoo bangs Nicole Sheridan in a 
scene inspired by The Ring. Randy 
Spears (playing the obligatory smarmy 
cop) fucks Devon Michaels outdoors. 


By Eric Danville 


fand nien bh 


The two remaining discs include loads 
of extras: a "making-of" documentary, 
bloopers, a trivia game, bonus sex 
scenes, and the "Stormy Bangs Betty" 
cartoon. The flick's greatest feature is 
the irony that, for once, the sex in a 
slasher flick Is played up and the gore 
Is played down. One for the collection. 


TITS AND ASHTON 


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on, in many combinations, with Keri 
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you like sex toys). She also gets down 
and dirty with the tall and lanky Vicca 
and the always-perky Alexandra Silk. We 
had a particularly good time checking 
out Ashton's scene with Brittany An- 
drews, who looks stunning in full-on, 
dominant-bitch mode. Ashtons exercise 
in pussy worship is killer, and is more 
than matched in intensity when Andrews 
returns the favor with a spanking and 
dildo-fucking. The disc fizzles out when 
it comes to extras, which consist of a 
four-minute slideshow. but othenwise its 
a good shows, 


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PENTHOUSE 


Jolie (September '04) play topless Stupid Pet Tricks on "The 
Radio Chick Show." 


While Martina Waren. Jamie Lynn and Ginger Jolie were in town promoting the 
Pet of the Year DVD, they spent a few days at Sirius Satellite Radio hitting some of the 
best shows. The girls did Stupid Pet Tricks on “The Radio Chick Show" made a shy 
internis week on “Derek and Romaine talked dirty for Bubba the Love Sponge, and 
enjoyed stoner speak on “Contact High” They also gave the men a run for their 
money on “Da Fellas,” made wisecracks with Vincent “Big Pussy" Pastore and the 
rest of the Wiseguy mob, and made a Sirius love connection with Phil lazzetta, the 
host of Raw Dog Comedy* DN since 
she appeared in Penthouse” said the smitten lazzetta. “She's my future wife: 


Ginger The Pets 
gets cozy and 

with her those lucky 
No. 1 Fellas 

admi hang out 
Phil 
lazzetta. 


Da Fellas 


154 PENTHOUSE COM 


Contact High 


Bobby Black catches a major buzz 
surrounded by Penthouse beauti 


The Wiseguy Show 


ig Pussy” Pastore knows the 
Penthouse shirt is a total babe magnet. 


Derek and Romaine 


Radio host Romaine Patterson may be 
the luckiest lesbian in the world. 


By Lainie Speiser 


«Loving Our» 
Lingerie 


Martina W inger Jolie, and Courtney Taylor (POY 
Runner-Up '04) slipped into something racy for the Penthouse Lingerie 
launch party at Las Vegas's VooDoo Lounge. The sexy skivvies were 
designed exclusively for P. e by. “This is obviously 
something that's near and dear to our hearts—seductive clothes 

and naughty little outfits,” said Ginger. Coquette's public relations 
director, Jennifer Jean, was just as enthusiastic."l love all of the Pets 
in Coquette lingerie, but | have to admit Martina is our favorite. 

She's beautiful inside and out, and she completely shines." To order, 
go to Coquette.com or PenthouseL ingerie.com. 


Dinner at Roberts 
The Penthouse Executive Club in New York City isn't only 
home to hot girls and great music—its also the spot for deli- 
cious dining at Roberts Steakhouse. So when Sunny Leone 
(POY '03) and Ginger Jolie (September '04) came to 
Manhattan for our Ron Artest photo shoot, they stopped at 
Roberts to eat, drink, and be merry. They had some sexy 
company at their dinner table: Pet of the Year '05 Runner-Up. 
Sophia Santi, formerly known as Natalia Cruze. "l'm ready 
to build a new name, and l'm confident the Penthouse 
fans will find me.” she says. We don't doubt it. See more of 
Sophia at DigitalPlayground.com. 


Puppy Love 

\ 

"Were big animal lovers at Penthouse, and we want 
to do everything we can to help them,” Victoria 

“Dr. Z” Zdrok told reporters at the Pets for Pets fund- 
raiser at the New York club Neogaea. Teaming up 
with nonprofit organization Animal Haven, the smart 
and sexy Victoria and Penthouse newcomer Renee 
Diaz (November '05) raised $3,000 for abandoned 
dogs and cats in New Orleans. A few sweet pooches 
were adopted in the process, For more information on 
how you can help our fourlegged friends, go to 
AnimalHavenShelter.org. We'd like to thank our won- 
derful sponsors, Mellow Mutts and Iceberg Vodka. 
And many thanks to Chuck Nice from VH1's Best 
Week Ever and "The Radio Chick Show" for being a 
terrific host and great friend to Penthouse. 


ANNA PARTY 


WITH PENTHOUSE 
PE 


to find the latest event in 
your area, or tell us where 
youthink we should go 
next. Send suggestions to: 


and we may drop by 
sooner than you think. 


155 


Forum 


CONTINUED FROM PAGE €. 


NEVER SAY NEVER. 


All day | had been feeling a little horny, 
but with my husband away on a week- 
end fishing trip, | was left to tend to my 
own needs. When | checked the time, | 
realized my friend Lauren would be 
arriving any minute to pick me up. We'd 
made plans to go to a bar, so playtime 
would have to wait until later. 

The drinks only added fuel to the fire, 
and | knew I'd have to make it an early 
night. | told Lauren about my "problem" 
and what | planned to do about it when 
1 got home. Lauren was always excited 
to try new things, so | wasnt entirely 
surprised when she asked if she could 
Join me. Why not? We finished our 
drinks and went back to my place. 
Lauren selected one of the dildos from 
my dresser drawer, and | grabbed a 
vibrator. Then we stripped down to our 


excitement in Laurens eyes as | licked 
my fingers and rubbed them back and 
forth over my throbbing clit before slid- 
ing them inside my sopping-wet pussy. 
"God, Pam. Watching you finger your- 
self and hearing how wet you are is 
making me so hot!” Lauren said. Then 
she pulled off her own panties and 
plunged two fingers inside her pussy. 
Lauren moaned, spread her legs wide, 
and began thrusting her fingers hard 
and deep. "Oh, l'm coming!” Lauren 
cried out as | took in the amazing sight 
of her climax spilling onto her hand 
Lauren told me to straddle her. When 
| did, she pulled my pussy tight to her 
mouth and began eating me out. The 
entire time | cried out how good It felt 
having her suck me off, and that | 
couldn't walt to come inside her mouth 
When | finally went over the edge, | had 
one of the most intense orgasms of my 
life. After that we got into a sixty-nine 
and licked and sucked each others 
cunt. The next 20 minutes were nothing 
short of incredible. My first time with 


“Fifteen minutes into the video, our bras came 
off and we started watching each other squeeze 
our breasts and pinch our stiff nipples.” 


bras and panties, and | put on a porno 
tape for us to watch, 

Fifteen minutes into the video, our 
bras came off and we started watching 
each other squeeze our breasts and 
pinch our stiff nipples, Lauren has a 
great pair of tits, with incredibly large, 
dark-brown nipples. As | watched her 
kneading those big nipples through her 
fingers, | slipped my fingers inside my 
already-wet panties. 

Lauren slid over next to me and told 
me to take off my panties. She said she 
wanted to see me touch myself. | slowly 
slid down my panties and watched the 


186 PENTHOUSE.COM 


another woman was truly amazing. 

Lauren stayed with me the rest of the 
night. As beautiful as the experience. 
was, we agreed It was far too risky for 
us to repeat and promised each other 
that we would never do it again. We 
kept that promise for exactly one 
week!—PA., Minnesota 


FEELING THE HEAT 


| had just started a new job in fashion 
merchandising and needed to be 
brought up to speed on the companys 
procedures. My first meeting was with 


the accountant to review financials for 
the spring line, and the only time he had 
available was after regular working 
hours. As a new staff member, | did as | 
was told. Not that | minded—he was the 
hottest-looking number cruncher | had 
ever seen. He was tall, dark, and built 
for sex. 

| arrived at his office at 6 em. with my 
files. He asked if | was ready to get 
down to business. | thought about that 
for a moment and felt myself getting 
wet. | imagined what it would be like to 
have him inside me, and my pussy 
began to throb. | tried to put a stop to 
these thoughts, but every time he 
moved close to show me a notation in a 
file or on a spreadsheet, | just got hotter 
and wetter. 

We walked Into the showroom to take 
a look at the new collection, Then he 
asked me to try on a blouse. There was 
no room for me to change and no one 
else was around, so turning my back to 
him, | took off my top and started to put 
on the blouse. And that's when things 
really started to heat up. He came up 
behind me and started licking my neck. 
How could he possibly know that this. 
was one of my extra-sensitive spots? In 
any case, he was hot, my pussy was 
dripping, and | wanted him. 

| pulled off the blouse and the rest of 
my clothes. He wasted no time and 
began toying with my pussy. Then his 
fingers were inside me, pounding in 
and out of my hole in a steady rhythm. | 
lay flat on my back with my legs wide 
open, impatiently waiting for him to fuck 
me. He spread my legs even wider, and 
| felt his tongue darting in and out. | was. 
moaning and trembling, completely out 
of control 

"Where do you want me— In your 
mouth or in your pussy?" he whispered. 

“| want you every way | can have 
you," | cried as | wantonly thrust my 
pussy at him. | couldn't take any more 
of his teasing 

With that, he drilled his tongue into 
me again. It felt fantastic, but | wanted 
that cock. When | reached out to feel 
how hard and big itwas, | found this 
enormous penis ready and waiting for 
me. | was moaning, screaming for his 
cock. | begged him to fuck me. He 
pulled me up and positioned me so | 
was on all fours, with my ass pointing 
up toward the ceiling. My juices were 
dripping down my thighs, and the few 
seconds it took before he entered me 
seemed like an eternity. 

"Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me,” | kept. 
saying. Finally he rammed his cock into 
me and began pounding my pussy. He 
was so big and he felt so good inside 
me that he had me climaxing every 
second. It turned out that being the 
new girl at the company could be very 
rewarding.—R.G., via e-mail 


Home ALONE 


| was hanging out at home, trying to get 
some work done, when | decided it was 
time to take a break and cruise my 
favorite porn site. Since | was alone, | 
cranked up the volume. | love hearing 
the smack of skin against skin, the 
moans, the groans, and the pleas of 
“Fuck me now, fuck me harder" 

In one clip, the girl was on her back 
with her legs spread high in the air, 
while a guy pounded first her pussy, 
then her ass. In another, the girl was 
bent over a sofa while the guy first. 
licked her ass, then pounded his cock 
into it. By this time | was wet and ready 
for action. | stripped off my shorts and 
panties, slid to the edge of my chair, 


the other. Together we fondled her beau- 
tiful, 42DD breasts. When we began 
licking and nibbling her sensitive nip- 
ples, she began to moan and squirm 

Diana loves having her nipples 
played with, but she also loves when | 
go down on her. When | touched her 
between her legs, she was soaking wet. 
She reached for my cock again and 
began struggling with the zipper. 

Jason pushed my hand out of the 
way and continued kissing his way 
down to her dripping snatch. As soon 
as he began eating her out, she had 
her first orgasm. Diana unzipped my 
pants and exposed my hard cock, then 
started sucking my hard shaft. All we 
wanted to do was come over and over. | 
slowly made my way from her big, hard 


“Diana left the room and returned in a new 
lacy negligee.... Jason moved over to 
French-kiss her and pulled down one strap.” 


and spread my legs. | continued to 
watch the licking, sucking, and fucking 
while plunging my fingers into my juicy 
pussy. With my other hand | began rub- 
bing my clit hard and fast. 

As | read Martins fantasy about "rub- 
bing his rock-hard cock down the crack 
of my ass, then down my pussy and 
clit; and “thrusting inside my juicy and 
oh-so-teady pussy,” | felt close to the 
edge. By this time | was thrusting 
myself up and off the chair. As Martin 
"pumped his huge load into me after 
mercilessly fucking my ass," | came, 
moaning, groaning, and thrusting 
against my own hand. Oh, how love. 
working from home.—M.R., Maryland 


Lust in LA. 


Diana and | had already agreed that a 
threesome was the next step in our rela- 
tionship. When we finally found the right 
partner, we arranged a dinner meeting 
ata four-star hotel. We made sure we 
had a corner booth in the restaurant. 

My wife sat next to me, rubbing my 
already-hard cock—and massaging 
our new friend Jason's cock under the 
table. | rubbed her hot pussy often dur- 
ing the entire meal 

We finished our dinner and drinks, 
then took the elevator up to our suite. 
Diana stood between Jason and me. 
Her hands were on our cocks, rubbing 
and stroking our erections. 

We had another round of drinks in the 
suite before Diana left the room and 
returned in a new lacy negligee, then 
led us to the bedroom. Jason and | 
positioned Diana between us on the 
king-size bed. Jason moved over to 
French-kiss her, and | began sucking 
on her neck. Jason pulled down one 
strap of her negligee, and | took care of 


nipples to her wet, hot, juicy cunt, while 
Jason made his way to her mouth with 
his hard cock. Her pussy was drip- 
ping—she was ready to get pounded. 

As | watched Diana take Jason's cock 
into her mouth, | started lapping up her 
hot pussy juices. | could not wait to fuck 
her while she was giving him a blowjob. | 
started slow, but shifted to a hard thrust- 
ing fuck as she sucked his hard rod. 
Then | moved aside so she could turn 
around and suck her own juices from my 
cock while Jason found her wet cunt. 

As he started to bang her, she took 
my rod deep into her mouth. She 


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sucked me up and down with his every 
motion, which made it easy for her to 
slide on my rod. This trading went on for 
two hours, with each of us getting to ful- 
fil our every desire. Finally, | filled her 
pussy with my hot come as | watched 
her suck Jason's cock. 

When | withdrew, my cock was 
soaked with both our juices. Diana 
turned so she could lick them off again, 
and Jason started banging her cunt. 
While she sucked my rod clean, he 
started fucking her harder, till he blew 
his wad deep into her sopped pussy. 
We both kissed her and thanked her for 
the wonderful, hot sex party. Diana 
made sure that Jason and | were 
cleaned off with her mouth before she 
let us get up from the bed. 

This was the first three-way for us, but 
we agreed it would not be our last. And 
maybe next time Jason will bring his 
girlfriend and make it a foursome.— 
S.J, California 


FENTHOLEE (SSH — 
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le a suba of entes Meda Group c Al has 
(esc, No porne o! Penthouse magazie may be epociced 


Ban genee mea witout e peret nean 
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Tei Foral iste rud en E NC datada 
tenal maling fees, Posiman 

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a Ono Logo. Penone Pat Pec he 


Joni. ahd E c he Ver te Hama cl Geral Weds 


Certification: The records, if 
any, relating to any images in 
this periodical required to be 
maintained by 18 U.S.C. 8 
2257 and 28 C.FR. $ 75 are 
located at the office of the pro- 
ducer, 2 Penn Plaza, Eleventh 
Floor, Suite 1125, New York 
NY 10121, M. Rothenberg, 
custodian of records. Date of 
publication: Jan. 10, 2006 


188 PENTHOUSE.COM 


BIRTHDAY BABE 


It was my birthday, so around 3 em., | 
met my husband for a drink. We were 
having a nice time when his cell phone 
rang. He smiled and told the caller he 
would be there shortly. When | raised an 
eyebrow, he just smiled again and said 
something about arranging my birthday 
present. He told me he'd meet me at 


right back. Claire leaned toward me. 
When | felt her lips close to my ear and 
her fingers dangerously close to my 
panties, | froze. “Denise, lets move to 
one of the corner booths so we can talk 
without being disturbed; she purred 
Before | could answer, | felt her finger 
against my silk panties. | should have 
made a beeline for the door, but instead 
| picked up my drink and walked to the 


“Our lips met for one more lingering kiss 
before Claire began slowly sliding down my 
body.... Her hot tongue was all | needed.” 


home, insisting | stay for another drink 

| felt, more than saw, someone slip. 
onto the stool next to me. When the bar- 
tender placed another drink in front of 
me, | started to protest, but he nodded 
at the newcomer. | was in too good a 
mood to turn down the drink, so | 
turned and thanked my new friend. "Hi, 
Im Claire; the gorgeous woman said 
with a warm smile. "It looks like you're 
celebrating something. Hope you don't 
mind me buying you a drink.” 

| said, "No, not at all. 'm Denise, and 
yes. its my birthday" We talked for a 
while, more or less feeling each other 
out. Asit turned out, | took a liking to 
her. I'd noticed right away that Claire 
was one of those touchy-feely people 
Every time she made a point, | felt her 
hand on my arm, and even on my knee 
afew times. | was wearing a mini and 
showing a lot of leg. | hate to admit it, 
but she was really pushing my buttons 

| was feeling really relaxed and 
started doing the touchy-feely thing 


last booth at the far end of the bar. 

Claire slid in next to me and before | 
could say a word, our lips touched. We 
started softly sucking each other's 
tongue. Her hand made its way under 
my skirt, pushing my panties aside. | 
almost came when she touched my clit 
"Oh yes, make me come, baby. Make 
me come hard!" | begged. But just as | 
was about to climax, Claire pulled those 
wonderful fingers back. "Oh please, 
Claire, l'm so close. Finish me off. 
please!" | pleaded. 

Instead, our lips met for one more lin- 
gering kiss before Claire began slowly 
Sliding down my body. My shirt was 
open, and when Claire pulled up my 
bra and sucked my swollen nipple, | 
gasped so loud | was sure the bar- 
tender heard me. But | wanted her lips 
on my pussy. | pushed Claire down and 
lifted my ass, and she quickly slipped 
off my panties. Her hot tongue was all | 
needed. As soon as she found my clit, | 
came. "Oh shit, yes!" | cried. Then, real- 
izing what I'd just done, | pulled up my 
panties and ran for the restroom. 

When | got back to the booth, Claire 
was gone. | felt good, but also a litle 
guilty—urtil | walked into the house and 
found Claire and my husband smiling at 
me. Joe said, "Claire and | just want to 
wish you a happy birthday!" —Name and 
address withheldo—s 


“Forum” letters should carry name 
and address, though these—in addi- 
tion to other Identifying characteris- 
tics—will be changed for publication 
purposes. All letters become the prop- 
erty of Penthouse. Send letters to 
forum.submission@prngi.com or Pent- 
house Editorial Dept., 2 Penn Plaza, 
Eleventh Floor, Suite 1125, New York, 
NY. 10121 

For more provocative, stimulating, 
and controversial letters, read the 
exciting Forum magazine now on 
sale at your newsstand, or subscribe 
Tor one year, for only $30, by calling 
800-411-9245. For back issues. call 
888-312-2225. Each back issue is 
$8.50 plus shipping and handling. 


Coming in the March Issue 


100 Butters 
What if you could get away 
with murder? Ifyou had a 
briefcase with a gun, 100 
untraceable bullets, and a 
score to settle? We ask Brian 
Azzarello, the Stephen King of 
graphic novels, who brings 
his revenge saga, 100 Bullets, 
to a climax this summer. He 
also introduces a sexy 
Western outlaw story. 
Loveless. We have a first look. 


Fuicks 
Cheating Death: Final 
Destination 3is yet another 
spooky riff on the Grim 
Reaper's design. Eight Below 
stars Jason Biggs and Paul 
Walker as Antarctic explorers 
forced to survive the most 
brutal weather on earth. 


SouNps 
Want to throw a rockstar wor- 
thy spring-break party? Take 
our tips culled from the most 
successful (and infamous) 
star-studded soirees of all 
time. Recover on the beach 
the next day by reading one 
of our recommended music 
books. Plus, as always, we've 
got the hottest record reviews, 
from Live to Bubba Sparxx to 
the Secret Machines. 


Games 
After numerous delays, the 
controversial 25 to Life will 
finally reach stores this month. 
Want to know (f its any good? 
Find out in "Joystick" plus 
read reviews of Blackand 
TimeShift. Check out the 
debut of our sexy “Video 
Vixen" column. Then read our 


160 


FENTHOUSE.COM 


in-depth interview with top 
game designer American 
McGee, who talks about his 
newest tile, the disaster com- 
edy Bad Day LA. 


Hor Lips 
Its been almost four long 
years since the Flaming Lips 
released Yoshimi Battles the 
Pink Robots, and their fans 
were getting desperate. Not 
to worry—their new CD is in 
the works. Music scribe Jon 
Wiederhorn was able to get 
the quirky band to talk can- 
didly about addiction, life in 
Oklahoma, and their upcom- 
ing album, At War With the 
‘Mystics—which might be their 
best yet. 


Bar None 

Bored by your usual bar 
soap? No surprise there: Most 
slabs you find on the super- 
market shelf are underwhelm- 
ing. Buta new generation of 
bar soaps for men are fun 
and functional. "Groom at the 
Top” features soaps infused 
with special ingredients—vita- 


mins, vegetable oll, goat's 
milk, even caffeine and razor 
blades—that do more than 
get you clean; they smell and 
look good, so you do, too. 


Cover Me! 
They say the clothes make 
the man, but what happens 
when you take itall off? 
Whether youre a boxers or 
briefs guy, next month's ser- 
vice feature on meris under- 
wear will help you cover your 
ass with style 


March MADNESS 
One of the coolest spectacles 
in sports, the NCAA mens 
basketball tournament, tips off 
next month. In “Gametime” 
we tab seven players to watch. 
Well also provide a look back 
at the greatest buzzer-beaters 
and top performers in tourna- 
ment history 


DRINKSMANSHIP 
From frozen margari- 
ta buffets in Cabo to 


wild, beer-fueled bikini con- 
tests on San Padre Island, the 
spirit industry throws a month- 
long spring-break party in 
tons of tropical destinations. 
Well give you a map to hot 
spots and tasty drinks. 


Turin 2006 
The Olympic flame will be lit 
on February 10 in Turin, Italy 
Penthouse brings you a full 
preview of the festivities, from 
bobsledding to ice hockey to 
snowboarding 


Danny Kass 
Speaking of snowboarding 
see our feature Q&A with US. 
rider Danny Kass. The shred- 
der won silver in the 2002 
half-pipe competition, and 
hopes to upgrade in Turin. 
Kass is also the highest-pro- 
file member of the legendary 
and hard-partying 
Grenade crew and a 
four-time US. 
Open half-pipe 
champ.