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SCORE! GETTING AND GIVING "THE BEST SEX EVER"! 


PENTHOUSE 


THE INTERNATIONAL MAGAZINE FOR MEN MAY 2006 OT—g 


aî "Bisexual Until 
Plus Fantasy Bage 


Graduation" and Other 
Do's and Don't | Girls’ School 
Sex Secrets 


Bad DayL. 


Taking DownTinseltown 


Gametime 
Special 


MLS Preview, Masters Golf, | 
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‚Bill ( 
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With the Sports Guy 


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2220 


saving the people of Los Angeles after 
disaster strikes? 
Imagine The Day After Tomorrow headed 
by Dave Chappelle. The premise is all of 
our worst fears coming true in one day. 
The point of [it is] to show the ridiculous 
nature of being afraid of all these things. 
What's the protagonist like? 
There's a little bit of Buddhist monk in 
him. There are philosophies in the world 
that believe if you have no possessions 
and no burden of modern life, then you 
have no fear. He has nothing to fear, 
because he has nothing to lose. 
Was he based on anyone you know? 
Part of his dialogue is loosely based on a 


By Rebecca Swanner 


lines. It started to make me feel a little bit 
angry and a little bit helpless. 


| What is the game's message? 


The first message is, "The only thing to 


| fear is fear itself." The other message is, 


"We're the only ones who can help 
ourselves." 

The game deals with violence in a 
unique way. 


~ | Its actually anti-violence. You've got guns, 


PA aly 
EE. E 
= Ss Tus 


friend of mine who used to end every 
sentence with "and shit." He'd be like, 
“Yo, man, we're going to go down to the 
club and shit." It would crack me up. 
What inspired this game? 

| started to notice billboards with bizarre 
[messages, such as,] You're either with 
us, or youre against us." They made me 
realize that | have to speak out in any way 
| can. And the only way | can in any valid 
fashion is to do what | do—make games. 
Have you always been interested in 
politics? 

| was never really politically aware or 
active until after 9/11. | started to read 
more than what was being presented on 
Fox or CNN, and | read between the 


but [there is a] threat advisory bar to tell 


$ you when things are becoming too 


chaotic. There is classic gameplay— 
running around, shooting zombies, stuff 
like that—but on top of that is the idea of 
chaos control and chaos management. If 


© you dont help out, you'll die. 


What inspired you to design games? 
When | got my job at id [Software], it was 
by chance. It was almost like something 
reached down, plucked me up, and was 
like, "Okay, you're going to go make video 
games now." 

Do you think working outside the 
video-game world has helped you? 

| think it might have. There's not a game 
console in my house. | dont play games. 
When | was thinking about Bad Day L.A., 
| was thinking more about the story and 
the comedy of it than anything else. | think 
[outside] influences can be detrimental. 
Is that why Bad Day L.A. doesn't follow 
the current trends found in free- 
roaming titles like Grand Theft Auto? 
From a story perspective, even when a 
game claims to be nonlinear, it still has a 
beginning, middle, and end. Bad Day 
L.A. has a linear story arc, but you have 
options of where to go and what to do. 
Nonlinear storytelling doesnt exist 
anywhere that | know of. Not even in life. 
[For example,] dinner is very linear—you 
[wouldn't] pick up a wine bottle and bash 
the guy sitting next to you on the head. 

Is it true that you're trying to create a 
film version of Bad Day L.A.? 

We are. A well-known comedy animation 
writer took the story | wrote and adapted 
it. We want it to be live action. Think of 
Scary Movie, or Don't Be a Menace to 
South Central While Drinking Your Juice in 
the Hood. 

What else are you working on? 

I'm writing the screenplay for Oz. Writing 
a movie with the [Jerry] Bruckheimer 
people is very interesting. I’m not saying 


its bad—its just very different for me.O4—g 


25 


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REVIEWS 


Though there are more country-radio stations 

in the U.S. than rock or hip-hop stations, many 
people don't think it's cool to love country rock. 
Luckily, big-name artists, such as Ryan Adams, 
Big & Rich, and the late Johnny Cash, give these 
people the excuse they need. These musicians 
helped pave the way for Alabama's genre- 


Уп 
3 


Mates of State Irving Atreyu 


for at measure, the ШИ» prove once again 


that they are experts at crafting lyrically rich, 
heartbreaking songs that aren't “achy breaky and 
writing believable, hard-living characters. After six 
records, we love them for their refusal to conform 
to what's commonly thought of as rock or country. 
Penthouse Pick: “Easy on Yourself” 


Rock Kills Kid 


Anti-Flag Elefant 


NOFX 
Wolves in 
Wolves?” 
Clothing 
(Fat Wreck) 


Test 
Icicles 
For 
Screening 
Purposes 
Only 
(Domino) 


Rob 
Zombie 
Educated 
Horses 
(Geffen) 


Your 
girlfriend 
might like: 
Pink 

Рт Not 
Dead 

(La Face) 


Editors 


18 PENTHOUSE.COM 


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Tired of wrenching 
your voice and 
coughing up 
blood, just to get 
the perfect, 
primal, 

rock ’n’ roll 
scream? 

Music editor 
Rebecca Swanner 
gets a hardcore 
vocal coach to show _ — 
her how it's done. 


Y ince d li ngjto metal and hardcore, I’ve 
hol i Auf Be awesome to be able to belt out lyrics 
like Dimmu Borgir or Give Up the Ghost. But every time | tried, 
my throat burned and | couldn't Carry anything that resembled 
a tune. That’s before | met Melissa Cross. 

Cross, a professional vocal coach, has helped countless 
musicians—from Thursday to Andrew W.K. to Every Time | 
Die—learn how to scream without hurting their voices. 

When youre singing like there's gravel in your windpipe 
night after night, your vocal cords bang together furiously. This 
can lead to sore throats, scar tis- 
sue, and surgery. Cross teaches 
screamers to sing with their 
“false cords,’ which are located 
next to the actual vocal cords. 
When you use these falsies 
properly, you'll feel the larynx 
rise in your throat, and a slight 
buzzing in your head. This tech- 
nique produces the appropriate 
guttural sounds without killing 
your voice. However, learning to scream without screaming 
takes work. Inside her studio, the bubbly, redheaded master of 
The Zen of Screaming taught me how. 

First l'd need to learn to use my diaphragm to control my 
breathing. This would allow me to forcefully project my voice, 
and provide some reserve air so | wouldn't have to gulp be- 
tween lines. Next I'd train my brain to allow the sound to come 
from my false cords when | screamed. 

For this, Cross has a method she calls singing *above the 
pencil.’ | gripped an unsharpened No. 2 between my front teeth 
and attempted to use my false cords to propel a sound that 
“flowed over the top of the pencil" 


20 PENTHOUSE.COM 


“God!” she said. 


“That was Ýrightening. It was 
like something from 


The Exorcism of 
Emily Rose." 


ow | was Ar 
ry = und ad | ^ 


Pm not used to raising my V Voice so high. ue | акей and 
cracked like a teenage boy. Finally, she suggested | try imitat- 
ing an old cat. Since | have one at home, this image worked. | 
screeched out an awful, awesome noise. Cross nodded and 
laughed. 

“God!” she said. “That was frightening. It was like something 
from The Exorcism of Emily Rose” 

While | was able to make the 
noise softly, it faltered every time | 
tried to push it louder. Enough with 
the screamo: | wanted to try death 
metal. 

Cross told me to bark like a dog. 
Woof! "Now try barking the alpha- 
bet.” | started to bark my ABC's, 
and finally my voice sounded like 
something on a record. After a few 
letters, she said, “1 usually have my 
students do jumping jacks along with these” Instead of count- 
ing along, | jumped and shouted in my three-inch heels. One 
of my friends watching the lesson said, "You sound like Cookie 
Monster." 

After two and a half hours of training, | left Cross's studio, 
throat intact. Although | hadn't yet mastered the gritty hardcore 
scream, | could make my voice rumble with the power of a 
fledgling death-metal vocalist. Or a Muppet. "Me want cookie" 


Melissa Cross's DVD, The Zen of Screaming, /s out now. 
For advanced screaming, look for her second DVD this 
summer. MelissaCross.com 


WIN, а" 


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BFGoodrich Each Event filmed for: 
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OFFICIAL TIRE 
TOVOTIRES 


March 18-19 
Firebird Raceway 
Phoenix, AZ 


South Geo la асосе Park 

Valdosta, GA A 
Man fand Int Raceway ese... ane 
Budds Creek, MD inline PRO 
June 3-4 «Drift TBA А 

Madison, IL (St Louis =ч 


о D pem ete 
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Rockingham, NC d 


July 222038 ы н EXER 
New York Intl Raceway Park 
Leicester, NY 


July 29-30 * Drift TBA 
Atco Raceway 
Atco, NJ 


August 5-6 
New zay rrii Dragway 


Epping, M? - NET | 
August 26-27 " | | 


Maryland Intl Raceway Drift Expo 


Budds Creek, MD à at select events 
Budds Creek MD — MUS, 


September 16-17 
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Atlanta, GA à d MESLE / VIA/ 2006 


October 14-15 Lar Show Series | 
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-ULLFRONTALXDVDS 


REVIEWS 


Unhappiness |g. 


g 
The Blathering 


At this year’s Golden Globes, we were surprised 
that the tribute to Anthony Hopkins included 

the seventies horror flick Magic ($20). It’s the 
unintentionally funny tale of a ventriloquist 

who loses his mind to his dummy and goes on 
a killing spree. Hopkins is so young and thin 
that he’s almost unrecognizable, and Burgess 
Meredith kicks ass in a supporting role. 


22 PENTHOUSE.COM 


a 


= 


y es ай fun 
“and games 
en someone 


loses an eye. 


In director Eli Roth's Hostel ($29), a couple of college 
students travel to a former Eastern Bloc country looking 
for extreme hedonism. What they find is extreme pain, 
as guests become cadavers at the hands of sadistic 
businessmen. Caveat emptor, because this is not a 

film for anyone with a weak stomach. 


By Barbara Rice Thompson 


THINK INSIDE THE BOX 


M*A*S*H STAND-UP 
Notes 


Comedian 
Not the TV show, but part of 
The Robert Altman Collection 
($40), which includes the DVD has 
premiere of the much racier 
movie version, as well as A 


Perfect Couple, Quintet, anda now that 
A Wedding. Altman recorded his hilari- 
a commentary for M*A*S*H, ous DVD 
and each film has a behind-the- is out.... 


scenes featurette. 


will keep 
you up 
all night 

drinking 

er... 

T laugh- 

© * ing... And 

=. enjoy a 


little retro 


edy spe- 


— B in 
1 Gi his first 
| E | НВО сот- 
Su - 
y > cial, 1998’s 
а. 


($20 
each). 


Tet Am 
P » 


Im 


Put some low-budget high comedy 
in your pocket with the releases of The 
Toxic Avenger and Cannibal!: The 
Musical (Trey Parker and Matt Stone's 
pre-South Park collaboration). Also 
new are Dude, Where’s My Car?, 
NBA Hardwood Classics: Michael 
Jordan—His Airness, and NBA 
Furious Finishes ($20 each). 


PSP UPDATE 


— o 


Monkeying Around 


The new 14-disc Planet of the Apes package ($180) includes the 
entire series of films (excluding the one with Marky Mark), plus the full 
run of the animated television series. You may think of that as overkill— 
and you'd be right—but considering the ensuing cheesiness the 
Charlton Heston original inspired, it's kind of appropriate. 


- WANT 
Brooks 
Others 

لا 

«O 


new Mel Brooks set ($100) 
es eight of the comedy legend's 


sverent flicks, including some of 
jest: Blazing Saddles, High 
ety, Silent Movie, and Young 
enstein (in a new widescreen 
fer). The Producers may be making 
ks a shitload of cash, but these 
show why he's a master. 


E PULL FRONTALD2JOYS IICK 


BEAUTIFUL DISASTER 


^ RES 
Rs и. N 


e 


Y For the world's 
most eclectic 
game designer, a 
is about to be 
his finest hour. 


24 PENTHOUSE.COM 


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Our Predictions 


AMERICAN LEAGUE 


WILD CARD 


1. New York Yankees Key additions Jonnny Damon 
(center fielder) and Kyle Farnsworth (middle relief) will be 
enough to stretch the Yankees' string of division titles to 
nine. Jason Giambi's resurgence scares opposing pitchers. 


2. Toronto Blue Jays General Manager J. P. Ricciardi's 
spending spree will keep the Jays in contention into 
September and break the Red Sox's eight-year hammer- 
lock on second place. But still no playoffs. 


3. Boston Red Sox There was great joy in Beantown 
over the acquisition of 2003 World Series MVP Josh Beckett, 
but it evaporated during the exodus of stars from the 

2004 title team—most notably Johnny Damon. 


4. Baltimore Orioles Ihe Yanks added Damon, and 
the Blue Jays and Red Sox added World Series MVPs Troy 
Glaus and Beckett, respectively. The Orioles added Jeff 
Conine. An organization in disarray. 


5. Tampa Bay Devil Rays Seriously, what is the plan 
here? Scott Kazmir and four days of journeymen do not a 
rotation make. Tons of team speed, but stolen bases won't 
help when the other team is launching three-run homers. 


1. Cleveland Indians Grady Sizemore is a future MVP. 
He's a five-tool player who will be offered Carlos Beltran 

money by someone else if the Indians don't lock him up 

with a long extension. 


2. Chicago White Sox The rotation goes deep into 
games, the setup men are solid, and Bobby Jenks and his 
100-mph heat await you at the end. Opposing hitters will 
get some O-for-12's hung on them in three-game series. 


3. Minnesota Twins Where are the runs coming from? 
Johan Santana and Brad Radke will spend a lot of no- 
decisions wondering the same thing. First baseman Justin 
Morneau and catcher Joe Mauer must produce. 


4. Detroit Tigers New closer Todd Jones will 
discover what Troy Percival and Ugueth Urbina learned 
before him: There are precious few leads to protect 

in Motown. 


5. Kansas City Royals This perennial doormat does 
produce the league's most-wanted free-agent center 
fielders. (See former Royals Carlos Beltran and Johnny 
Damon.) So, where will David DeJesus end up? 


1. Oakland Athletics Fveryone seems intent on 
knocking Moneyball and Billy Beane, but if it weren't for 
injuries to pitcher Rich Harden and shortstop Bobby 
Crosby last season, the As would have made the playoffs 
for the fifth time in six years. 


2. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim Yes, hes a 
Molina, but Jose is no Bengie with the bat. The Angels 
will miss their catcher, but the emergence of right-hander 
Ervin Santana and the return of Kelvim Escobar to the 
rotation will keep them in contention. 


3. Texas Rangers Pity right-hander Adam Eaton, 
who moves from spacious, pitcher-friendly Petco Park 
to the launching pad in Arlington. Texas also 
overpaid for Kevin Millwood, a fly-ball pitcher in a 
jet-stream ballpark. 


4. Seattle Mariners Twenty-year-old righty Felix 
Hernandez is spectacular, but the Mariners won't close 
the gap on the L.A. Angels by signing the Halos' No. 5 
starter, Jarrod Washburn, for $37 million. 


NATIONAL LEAGUE 


1. New York Mets The blend of young studs produced 
within the organization and smart free-agent signings will 
get the Mets back to the playoffs for the first time since 
they lost the Subway Series in 2000. 


2. Philadelphia Phillies With one deft move—first 
baseman Jim Thome for former White Sox center fielder 
Aaron Rowand—they hugely upgraded in center field and 
opened a slot at first for star-in-the-making Ryan Howard. 


3. Atlanta Braves By making Boston swallow 

$11 million of Edgar Renteria's contract, the Braves get the 
All-Star for less than half of what the Dodgers gave Rafael 
Furcal. Smart. But their streak of division titles ends this year. 


4. Washington Nationals Odd that a team so thin in 
some areas has two All-Star second basemen. Jose Vidro 
will keep his job, and Alfonso Soriano will get booted to the 
outfield—where his shaky D will do less damage. 


5. Florida Marlins Future MVP Miguel Cabrera 

must be wondering where the hell everybody went. The 
Fish waited two years before beginning their traditional 
post-championship fire sale. The Fish are gutted. 


1. St. Louis Cardinals Tony La Russa has won one title 
in ten trips to the playoffs, frequently losing with the 
better team. Why does his genius not work in October? 


2. Chicago Cubs |n 2003, it seemed like Mark Prior, 
Kerry Wood, and Carlos Zambrano had ushered in a 
decade of dominance. Now a playoff spot seems a long shot. 


3. Houston Astros Roger Clemens was not offered 
salary arbitration. Craig Biggio hit 26 home runs last year, 
but turned 40 in December. 


4. Milwaukee Brewers | et the reign of the Prince 
begin: Twenty-one-year-old first baseman Prince Fielder 
will provide the fireworks at Miller Park. 


5. Pittsburgh Pirates Promising young staff and a 
sound new skipper (Jim Tracy), but there are probably a 
whole bunch of 3-2 losses coming in '06. 


6. Cincinnati Reds Lots of runs with Ken Griffey Jr., 
Adam Dunn, and Wily Mo Pena. More runs allowed with 
Paul Wilson, Aaron Harang, and Eric Milton on the hill. 


1. San Francisco Giants Poisonous personality or not, 
Barry Bonds is an irreplaceable player. The Giants learned 
that in 2005. He'll be coddled—no day games after night 
games—but his impact will be immense. 


2. Los Angeles Dodgers The 2003 Red Sox didnt die. 
They just relocated to the West Coast. Beantown persona 
non grata Grady Little will lead former Sox Nomar Garcia- 
parra, Derek Lowe, and Bill Mueller to a second-place finish. 


3. San Diego Padres Rotation looks weaker with the 
departure of Adam Eaton and Brian Lawrence. They traded 
spark plug Mark Loretta for backup catcher Doug Mirabelli. 
otrange moves from the defending N.L. West champs. 


4. Arizona Diamondbacks The D-Backs are caught 
between rebuilding and going for it. Losing Troy Glaus 
will hurt, and they cant expect another 30 homers from 
Tony Clark. They can, however, expect 90 losses. 


5. Colorado Rockies lf the majors worked like English 
soccer, the Rockies would have been relegated to the 
minor leagues long ago. No one has figured out how to 
maintain a pitching staff in the thin air of Denver. 


TVH.LN3O 


Reverse 
the Curse... 


Curses? We dont need no stinkin curses! 

This has been the recent theme in Major League 
Baseball. Two seasons ago, the Boston Red Sox ended 
86 years of heartbreak and futility by reversing the Curse 
ofthe Bambino, pinning an epic defeat on the New York 
Yankees and sweeping the St. Louis Cardinals in the 
World Series. Last year, just as emphatically, the Chicago 
White Sox ended 88 years of misery by exorcising the 
ghost of the Black Sox scandal with a sweep of the 
Houston Astros in the World Series. 

Look for this trend to continue in 2006. 

By comparison to those accursed Sox, the Cleveland 
Indians may not appear to have it so bad. But 58 years 
of unhappy endings is a brutal dry spell—if not an 
outright curse. So fans in Cleveland will rejoice with 
abandon this fall, when the Indians win their first World 
Series since 1948. 

The most recent bitter ending for the Tribe came 
last September, when they blew a shot at the playoffs 
on the final weekend, getting swept at home by a White 
Sox team that had already clinched the division title 
and was playing its reserves. Cleveland came into that 
final series controlling its own destiny, but three straight 
heart-wrenching one-run losses later, the wild card had 
slipped from its grasp. 

That wont happen this year. No team in baseball has 


40 PENTHOUSE.COM 


a quartet of young studs to match the Indians center 
fielder Grady Sizemore, shortstop Jhonny Peralta, 
catcher Victor Martinez, and designated hitter Travis 
Hafner. All four hit between 289 and .305, smacked 20- 
plus homers, and drove in at least 78 runs. And they 
are just reaching their primes. The fearsome foursome 
helped Cleveland finish third in the American ME 
in slugging percentage last year, 15 points behind Texas 
and one point behind Boston. 

On the mound, the Tribe is just as loaded, leading the 
A.L. with a 3.61 team E.R.A. in '05. C. C. Sabathia, 25, 
and Cliff Lee, 27, give the Indians two young, dominant 
lefties at the top of the rotation. 

The Indians did lose league E.R.A. leader Kevin 
Millwood to Texas. (Cleveland was smart not to overpay 
for him.) Butthey replaced him with two quality arms in 
Paul Byrd and Jason Johnson. In the pen, flamethrowers 
Fernando Cabrera and Rafael Betancourt will set up Bob 
Wickman, who tied for the league lead with 45 saves. 

Last season, the White Sox put together an impressive 
11-1 playoff run to win the Series, making alot Of People 
forget that during the final two months of the regular 
season, the Indians pared Chicagos 15-game division 
lead down to a game and a half. The Tribe came up 
short at the finish line, but that wont happen in 2006. 
Heres how the divisions will end up come October. 


~ 
- 
^ 


Five Questions 
for MLS in 2006 


1. What’s up with Clint Mathis? 

Only Cletus knows for sure. He jumped to 
Germany's Hannover 96 in 2004, and, with 
the prospect of a lucrative career laid out 
before him, quickly ran afoul of his coach 
and got buried on the bench. He returned to 
MLS last season and scored three goals in 
27 games. He's only 29 years old—is it 
really time to stick a fork in him? 

2. Will Freddy Adu get over the hump? | 
Anyone who doubted Ади» age (14) | 
when he signed with MLS two years 
ago had his doubts assuaged by 
the youngster's struggles—on 
and off the field— with life in the 
pros. Now with two years of 
professional experience under 
his belt, Adu needs to deliver 
more than a few flashes of 
brilliance if he's serious about his goal 
of being the best U.S. player ever. 

3. Which rookies will make 

an impact? 

Anyone who saw Marvell Wynne (son of 
the former baseball outfielder of the same 
name) play for the U.S. at the U-20 World 
Championships last summer knows that 


MetroStars GM Lalas pulled off a major Hotshot 
coup in the draft to get him. Jason Garey, rookies 
fresh from leading Maryland to the NCAA éd. Р 
title with 22 goals іп 25 games, went No. 3 (right) an 

. Garey 

in the draft to Columbus, where he could (top left) 
form a potent partnership with Edson | debutina 
Buddle. Indiana midfielder Brian Plotkin crucial 

fell all the way to 20th in the draft, going to year for Adu 
Chicago. Maybe he'll use it as motivation. (left) and 
4. When will every team in MLS have Mathis 


its own stadium? (top right). 
This is crucial to the health of the league. It 
saves teams money on stadium leasing (the |. 1 
MetroStars pay more than $200,000 per | 
game to play in Giants Stadium), earns 
them money from concession sales and 
parking fees, and keeps them from being 
second-class citizens to NFL or MLB fran- 
chises. In 2006, five of the league's 12 
teams will have their own soccer-specific 
stadiums (Columbus, L.A., Chivas USA, FC 
Dallas, and Chicago). They're getting there. 
5. When and where will the next 


А E z Y 


expansion take place? | | 一 全 бъ" юе ac o 


Toronto will field an MLS team starting in WAS Е" 
2007, and Philadelphia appears їо be Special delivery: F. C. Dallas's Pizza Hut Park will host MLS Cup 2006. 


next in line. 


MLS PREVIEW 


With а new city in the league (Houston), a new stadium (the Chicago Fires new digs in Bridgeview, Illinois), 
and the World Cup kicking off in Germany during the heart of the season, the upcoming Major League Soccer 
campaign features many compelling storylines. In the 2006 Penthouse MLS Preview, we tackle the top stories 
and break down the two conferences. 


EASTERN CONFERENCE 


New England Revolution 

= Last year: 17-7-8 
Key players: Taylor Twellman, Pat 
Noonan, Clint Dempsey 
Advantage: The most consistent team 
of the past four years looks to win it all. 
Yellow card: World Cup call-ups—the 
Revs could have four of them. 


D.C. United 16-10-6 


WESTERN CONFERENCE 


Houston 1836 18-4-10 (as San Jose Earthquakes) 
= Key players: Dwayne De Rosario, Ricardo 
Clark, Brian Ching 
Advantage: The Quakes were the best team in 2005, but 
faltered in the playoffs. They'll be looking to make amenas. 
Yellow card: Stalwart defender Danny Califf signed 
with Aalborg BK of Denmark. 


2 FC Dallas 13-10-9 
„Carlos Ruiz, Ronnie O'Brien 


„Freddy Adu, Jaime Moreno, Ben Olsen Advantage: With Ruiz, O'Brien, and 
Advantage: No-nonsense coach Peter Nowak is eager to a healthy Richard Mulrooney, there's no 
right the ship after last season's Freddy Adu-gate, when the reason why they shouldn't challenge 
Beltway Boy Wonder complained about playing time. for the Cup. 

Yellow card: Dema Kovalenko has bolted for Europe, and how | Yellow card: Eddie Johnson's departure 
long can Moreno, 32, maintain the magic? to Kansas City will hurt, and veteran left 


MetroStars 12-9-11 back Greg Vanney could be called to Germany. 


n» Eddie Gaven, Peter Canero, 
Youri Djorkaeff 
Advantage: GM Alexi Lalas wants to 
win now, and his efforts should produce 
another playoff berth—and maybe more 
(especially if Djorkaeff stays healthy). 
Yellow card: At 37, Djorkaeff was the 
Metros’ best player last season. New 
midfielder Chris Henderson is 35. 


Los Angeles Galaxy 13-13-6 
aLandon Donovan, Herculez Gomez, Chris Albright 
Advantage: Donovan doesn't simply coast through the 
regular season, then turn it on at crunch time and deliver the 
MLS Cup to whatever team he's on. It just seems that way. 
Yellow card: Donovan will be on World Cup duty for two 
months. Cobi Jones turns 36 in June. 


Colorado Rapids 13-13-6 
aClint Mathis, Kyle Beckerman, Pablo Mastroeni 


Chicago Fire 15-13-4 Advantage: Coach Fernando Clavijo has high hopes for the 
aChris Rolfe, Justin Mapp, Chris Armas newly acquired Mathis. 
Advantage: New soccer-specific stadium, plus hungry Yellow card: Staking your hopes on the once-brilliant, 


young players and solid veterans, equals another trip to the currently puzzling Mathis is a risky proposition. 


playoffs for the Fire. 
: Real Salt Lake 5-22-5 
Yellow card: Leaky D gave up more goals (50) than any other 5 „Jason Kreis, Carey Talley, 


team except the expansion outfits in Salt Lake City and L.A. 


Chris Klein 
5 Kansas City Wizards 11-9-12 Advantage: There's nowhere to go 
„Josh Wolff, Nick Garcia, Jimmy Conrad but up for this team, which my buddy 
Advantage: The addition of Eddie Johnson gives the Rich dubbed "Get Real Salt Lake” when it 
Wizards a potent strike force. was introduced last year. 
Yellow card: Wolff, Conrad, and Johnson are good bets to Yellow card: MLS all-time leading goal- 
be called up for Germany 06. scorer Kreis is coming off a major knee injury. 


Chivas USA 4-22-6 

=Ramon Ramirez, Francisco Palencia, Antonio 
Martinez 
Advantage: New coach Bob Bradley should bring some 
much-needed discipline to the team. 
Yellow card: The status of World Cup veteran Palencia is in 
question, and wholesale changes are almost certainly in store, 
which means an adjustment period. 


Columbus Crew 11-16-5 

„Kyle Martino, Chad Marshall, 
Edson Buddle 
Advantage: If new coach Sigi Schmid 
can help Martino and Buddle maintain 
consistency, the Crew has a playoff shot. 
Yellow card: The midfield, with Ross 
Paule and Duncan Oughton, is a little thin. 


38 PENTHOUSE.COM 


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By John Bolster 


NBA Playoffs vs. NHL Playoffs 
STEEL CAGE MATCH 


The NBA and NHL playoffs have a lot in common: Both follow over-long regular 
seasons, allow too many entrants, and display a suspicious boost in quality of play. 
But we love the hoop and hockey postseasons. Let's compare and contrast. 


NHL NBA 


hey start around April and end in June—or is it July now? There They start around April and run until the Fourth of July, when 
00 many teams. How many fans really know the difference David Stern will announce the new best-of-nine conference finals 
ween the Predators and the Thrashers? Could you pick a San апа best-of-11 finals to go with the best-of-seven first-round se- 
3 Shark out of a lineup? As much as we love this league, it’s ries he instituted in 2004. The playoffs will then last as long as the 

g out for contraction. regular season. It’s too many games—way too many. 


Verdict: NHL. Sure, summertime hockey is a bit disorienting, but the NBA’s beefing up of those 
first-round series was the last straw—just a cynical, purely for-profit move. 


will be set aside this postseason for the Like their hockey brethren, NBA players bump up their game a 

tradition of quintuple-overtime NHL playoff few notches come playoff time. Defense returns to the game, 

er disappoint. Tension-wire tautness; riveting focus sharpens, and you get to see the world’s top players per- 
forming at their best. 


Verdict: Draw. There are more overtime thrillers in the NHL, but more stars in the NBA. 


— 
There LN national television coverage, front-page newspa- LeBron, Shaq, A.l., TD, D-Wade, Nash, Melo, J-Kidd—all these 
lines, and obsessive fans ... in Canada, anyway. This isn’t guys are household names. There are more where those came 
ide, but the league has bounced back nicely from from, and they'll draw fans like Jack Nicholson, Spike Lee, and Bill 

Murray to NBA arenas. 


Verdict: NBA, by a landslide. 


FINAL TALLY: NBA, AT THE BUZZER 


A 


This Month in Sports: The Stats, the Scores, the Skinny 


Excuses ® Spider bite. 


to You’re Wily 
Y Мо Pena’d— 
must appear 


for a d CINDERELLA 

daytime Bee) STORY. 

baseball up triple e ТА NOWF 

game bypass. = 

thi S Э 'Roid rage. Here's a telling detail about the Masters golf ڪر اانا‎ 
nament: The hot-dog wrappers are green. That way, 

month: Getting if one floats onto the course, it won't clash with the 


engaged— 
need to see 
diamond. 


Kid has 
San Diego 
Chicken pox. 


Elephantiasis 
of the hand. 
(Show mas- 
sive foam- 
rubber No. 1 
hand.) 


emerald fairways and pristine greens. Yes, they're a 
little uptight about the arrangements. But they do run a 

“© great tournament. This year’s edition tees off April З. 

While it's rare that a Carl Spackler-esque underdog 

wins the tournament, we can always hope. After all, 
there was the 2003 Tournament, when Mike Weir came 
out of nowhere—um, we meänn@anada—to don the 
coveted green jacket. Last year; Tiger Woods fended 
off winless Chris DiMarco in a playoff to take the 
tournament. That made Woods the third player in golf 
history with at least four Masters titles; the otherssare™ 
Jack Nicklaus (six) and Arnold Palmer (four). 


MEME LONG LOST 


someplace 
where your 
phone calls 
won't be 
tapped. 


It’s April— 
last chance 
to see A-Rod 
shine this 
season. 


Pennant 
fever. 


S5 = 


Foppish British 2004 Masters 
actor golf champ Phil 
Hugh Grant Mickelson 


MANOPAUSE 


Maybe we should start producing 
ribbons for this cause: It's manopause, a little- 
known but increasingly prevalent condition that 
makes men look more like women as they age. This 
month’s sufferer is Roger Ebert. 

We know, he's not a sports figure, but he was 


36 PENTHOUSE.COM 


a sportswriter in Illinois back in the day, and he's 
reviewed dozens of sports movies. Here's what he 
had to say about Hoosiers: It “works a magic ... in 
getting us to really care about the fate of the team 
and the people depending on it.... It’s a movie that 
is all heart." Good call, Mr.(?) Ebert. 


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PENTHOUSE 


Get PENTHOUSE Magazine 
delivered to your computer 


yi the _ 
N al Edition each month with a digital 


Ne 
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orders send $38.95 (includes GST) for 12 issues. 

All payments must be in U.S. dollars and checks must be 
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of age or older to order. *Free DVD sent 
upon payment and is for U.S. residents only. Offer 
expires 7/31/06. PEN 6605BH 


O 2006 General Media Communications, Inc. 


ES] CELEBRITY 


JACINDA BARRETT 

The original Poseidon 
Adventure (1972) ignited an 
enjoyably insane avalanche of 
all-star disaster epics 
throughout the seventies. The 
new Poseidon (2006) is a 
remake of the first Adventure 
that retains the basic plot 


and a big-ticket, almost-A-list 
cast. This time it includes 
Kurt Russell, Richard Drey- 
fuss, Josh Lucas, and 
Australian eyeful Jacinda 
Barrett. On the downside, 
Poseidon also maintains its 
predecessors absence of 
nudity. No need to drown in 
sorrow, though. Former model 
Jacinda, who broke through 
as ahousemate on the 1995 


34 PENTHOUSE.COM 


А Soakingly _ 
Sequence 


| mature (and more beautiful 
than ever) opposite the 

_ world's most ragingly 
heterosexual Scientologist 
in Mission: Impossible Ill. 
Tom Cruise returns as 
secret agent Ethan Hunt in 
this latest M:l installment. 

| Kerf's role as the new blood 
in the franchise, however, 

_ doesn't mean she'll be 
baring any fresh flesh. For 
that, pick up the 1997 indie 
comedy Eight Days a Week, 
which has a soakingly 
erotic sequence that 
features Keri frolicking in a 
lawn sprinkler while clad in 
what may well be cinema's 
flimsiest, most see-through 
white tank top. At the one- 

. hour 29-minute mark, Keri 
flashes some totally naked 
nip, but it's her sopping 
strut up front that guar- 
antees there won't be a dry 
seat in your house. 


edition of MTV's The Real 
World, does bare her buoys— 
and more—in the highbrow 
2003 film The Human Stain. 
At the one-hour three-minute 
point, Jacinda jauntily 
parades around her college 
dorm room, peeling 

off her undies to reveal 

her breasts, buns, and bush, 
thereby earning a T&A- 


AUDREY TAUTOU 

The inescapable literary 
phenomenon The Da Vinci 
Code leaps to the big 
screen, thanks to director 


plus. Never mind Poseidon— 
The Human Stain will put a 
trident in your pants. 


KERI RUSSELL 

Curly-topped, porcelain- 
skinned stunner Keri 
Russell has seemed a bit 
off the radar since the 2002 
demise of her collegiate 
drama Felicity, which ran 
for four seasons on the WB 
network. But now Keri is 


poised to emerge newly | 


By Mr. Skin 


Ron Howard, its star Tom 
Hanks, and countless airport 
bookstores. The movie's 
heroine is played by full- 
bodied Parisian pastry 
Audrey Tautou, who charmed 
the pants off the entire 
planet in the skinternational 
art-house smash Amélie 
(2001). While Da Vinci does 
contain some “sex magic” 
hoo-hah, it's no place to see 
the raven-manea, lush- 
lipped, terrifically hefty-titted 
Ms. Tautou at her most 
awesomely tawdry. Solving 
that mystery will require a trip 
to the foreign-language 
section of the video store for 
the French period piece 

Le Libertin (2000). One hour 
and 28 minutes into this 
seventeenth-century romp, 
Audrey displays her sump- 
tuous T&A while splashing 
about in a milk bath with the 
equally flawless Vahina 
Giocante. Vahina ups the 
arousal factor by show- 

ing off what her first 

name sounds like. Talk 
about a pair of priceless 
pieces of art!Ot—g 


"О 
Ф 
5 
e 
=; 
O 
c 
un 
Ф 
Г. 
5 
О 
Ф 
= 
Ф 
Q 
O 
3 


® 


PENTHOUSE: 


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Name: Lara Croft 

Birthplace: London, England 

Height: 5'9" 

Weight: 130 Ibs. 

Birthday: Valentine’s Day 

Turn-ons: Dual nine-millimeter pistols, 
teeny-tiny shorts 

Turnoffs: Competing tomb raiders, 


unsolvable puzzles 


Favorite weapons: 


Desert Eagle, Uzi, shotgun 


Fun fact: 


The brown-eyed beauty 

is the Duchess of Saint 
Bridget, and she’s also fluent 
in a dozen languages. 


See her in: 


Tomb Raider: Legend 
(Xbox 360, PS2, PC) 


29 


HU 


OFF-SCREEN 


= RON TA 


zn yr vr qx үтүүчү (ev? APP 
E E Sb. ets Sty 8 
New Super Mario Bros. 
(DS) Nintendo 


Your favorite portly plumber 
and his beanpole brother 
are back this year in the first 
2-D Mario title since Super 
Mario World. The game, 
which has the feel of classic 
titles like Super Mario 3, is 
filled with desert worlds, 
underwater levels, and more 
koopas than you can toss 

a fireball at. Link up with 

a buddy and double your 
brotherly action by playing 
as both Mario and Luigi. 


If you're kicking back in Southern California between April 
18 and May 19, dont miss the return of the "| Am 8-Bit” 
art show. Last year the exhibit featured quirky art inspired 
by Mario, Pac-Man, Kirby, Mega Man, and Q*Bert. If you 
crave original video-game art, or just some inspiration to 
get off the couch, this might be the event. If sitting is your 
thing, order the book / Am 8-Bit: Art Inspired by Classic 
Videogames of the SOs. |AmM8Bit.net 


(PSP) Namco 


Don't be fooled by 
Katamarís kiddie looks: 
The cult series is a not-so- 


cleverly disguised acid trip. 


Remember Amsterdam? 
Its like that, but without the 
seven-hour flight and all 
the obnoxious American 
tourists. The premise is 
essentially the same as the 
console versions: Roll your 
sticky Katamari ball around 
each world, picking up 
everything you can. 


IKK 


Ex .- y — 


Syphon Filter: Dark Mirror 
(PSP) SCEA 


Gabe Logan is back. For 
this PSP title, the stealth 
agent—who has almost as 
many toys as James Bond— 
returns in his first feature 
game since the original 
PlayStation was in vogue. 

In this third-person shooter, 
your artillery-heavy missions 
will take you around the 
world, from Alaska to Russia, 
as you dismantle the plans 
of the terrorist insurgency 
you're fighting. 


28 PENTHOUSE.COM 


NBA Ballers: 


Major League 


(Xbox, PS2) Midway 


A sports-based role-playing 
game? What's next? A 
Mario Bros. first-person 
shooter? In the second 
Ballers title, you get to play 
on gritty street courts 

and in a handful of 
mansions, including rapper 
| udacris's crib. Raise 
money to buy tickets and 
collect items that are 
scattered throughout your 
baller world. This is the first 
sports game with a 
developed RPG element, 
and though combining the 
genres sounds a bit weird, 
Ballers pulls it off without 
being cheesy or letting the 
basketball action suffer. 


(Xbox 360, Xbox, PS2) 
2K Sports 


Every year, there's an influx 
of baseball titles. But with the 
exception of player trades, 
the games don't vary much. 
To make this version more 
exciting, MLB 2K6 has made 
a major improvement: letting 
gamers finesse batting with 
the analog stick, which gives 
you more control and power 
over your Louisville Slugger. 
Also, you can impact your 
team's morale by challenging 
the umpire on calls and 
changing the roster. Want 

to dash your team's hopes? 
Trade all your best players 
to your biggest rival. Right, 
Larry Lucchino? 


Tourist Trophy: The 
(PS2) SCEA 


For years, motorcycle 
enthusiasts watched in 
envy as four-wheeled racing 
games stole the high-speed 
spotlight. While car geeks 
were treated to titles like 
Gran Turismo 4 and Project 
Gotham Racing 3, bikers 
got the leftovers. Now, 

with help from the team 
behind GT4, it looks like 
they're finally getting their 
due. Though there's no 
multiplayer action and you 
can't fully customize your 
bike, you can race more 
than 100 motorcycles— 
including Ducatis, BMWs, 
and Triumphs—at tracks 
around the world. 


Splinter Cell: 


(Xbox 360, Xbox, PS2) 
Ubisoft 


We can barely find the 
bathroom in the middle 

of the night, so we can't 
imagine how Sam Fisher 
must feel now that he has to 
stalk the enemy without his 
night-vision goggles. In this 
episode, Fisher infiltrates 

a terrorist cell and carries 
out missions for both the 
terrorists and the CIA, while 
you make the moral choices 
that affect his success and 
the game's ending. Besides 
exciting ethical issues, 
there's plenty of gunplay, 
and a scene where you get 
to rappel down the atrium of 
Shanghal's tallest building. 


2f 


HU 


BEST IN SHOW 


Twilight eae 


(GC) Nintendo 


The trailer alone has made grown geeks cry. The Legend - 


of Zelda has always been ап entertaining franchise that's 
elicited nail-biting anxiety, but this time the game is even 


| more intense. Originally slated for release in time for the | 


2005 holiday season, Twilight Princess was delayed until this 
month, giving developers time to add even more substance. 
Now that all the waiting is done, what should you expect? 
First, Link has shed his cartoon image from 2003's The Wind 
Waker and is looking like a mature elf. Second, expect some 
great adventure, a la fighting on horseback, magical forest 
encounters, and shadowy figures. One thing that hasn't 


changed is the controls, which are nearly the same as those | 2 . 


for Wind Waker. So grab a sword and some pointy shoes, 


] and get ready for the best gaming action this year. 


o JAmElfHearMeRoar | |. 


How does the elfin race feel about its depiction in The Legend of Zelda? According to pointy-eared 


What do you think 
about the way elves 

are portrayed in video 
games? 

Video games are created 
by the watery ghouls of the 
circle of the 12 baboons. 
They are a bunch of liars 
and do-no-gooders, and | 
wouldn't touch any of them 
with a ten-foot elfin pole. 
Not even for a pot of gold. 
They make fast cash off 
elves like me. However, 
since it is my solemn duty 
to check these video 
games for any untruths, | 
occasionally play them. This 


musician Mortiis, it's just another case of elf-sploitation. 


sometimes results in broken 
controllers, consoles, and 
TV sets. 

What are your thoughts 
on Link? 

He's a fucking pussy. 
Have you enjoyed any 
video games featuring 
elves? 

On a strictly scientific, elfin 
level, the Final Fantasy 
games have gained points. 
Is it hard to grip the 
controller with your 
talon-like hands? 
They're part of the Mortiis 
curse that was cast upon 
me many moons ago. 


You just released a new 
album, The Grudge, 

and a live DVD, Soul in 

a Hole. Is your music 
traditionally elfin? 

Apart from the elf sampler 

| use, | do music that isn't 
typical of what you hear 
every day on elf radio or 

in the elf clubs. It's like the 
music of an epic movie with 
dark undertones—though in 
a very elfin fashion. 

Would you ever write 
music for a video game? 
As long as it's not baboon- 
related, I’m up for it.— Paul 
Semel 


26 PENTHOUSE.COM 


The Wright stuff: The Mets” third baseman has it—a picture- 
perfect swing that produces hits to all fields. 


Mets General Manager Omar 
Minaya has made bold moves 
in each of the past two off- 
seasons. He signed superstar 
pitcher Pedro Martinez and 
quality center fielder Carlos 
Beltran last year, and added 
first baseman Carlos Delgado 
and closer Billy Wagner this 


Rollins partners with Utley 
to give the Phillies a 
spectacular middle infield. 


year. Wagner addresses the 
Mets' biggest weakness of 
2005, when late leads were 
placed in the unsteady hands 
of Braden Looper. Expect Bel- 
tran to bounce back after a 
disappointing first year in 
Queens, and third baseman 
David Wright to continue his 
rise to stardom. Minaya also 
stocked up on hard-throwing 
middle relievers, allowing 
talented righty Aaron Heilman 
to return to the starting 
rotation, where he should 
flourish. 


The Phillies will field the best 


lineup in the National League, 
night in and night out. Middle 
infielders Jimmy Rollins and 
Chase Utley are spectacular, 
and both will be All-Stars for 
years to come. Rookie of the 
Year first baseman Ryan 
Howard is a run-producing 
monster. The outfield of Aaron 
Rowand, Pat Burrell, and 
Bobby Abreu is an impressive 
blend of speed, power, and 


defense. The biggest question 
mark for the Phils is, of course, 


pitching. Will Brett Myers fulfill 
his potential and become a 
true ace? Can the steady-but- 
unspectacular quartet of Jon 
Lieber, Randy Wolf, Ryan 
Franklin, and Cory Lidle pro- 
duce enough quality starts to 
get Philly over the top? Can 
any staff thrive in cozy 
Citizens Bank Park? 

Their second straight 100- 
win season may have once 
again ended in bitter disap- 
pointment, but don't cry for 
the St. Louis Cardinals. They 
figure to be back in the hunt 
this year for their first cham- 
pionship since 1982. Add 
four-time All-Star third base- 
man Scott Rolen to the mix of 
guys who came within a 
couple games of a second 
straight World Series ap- 
pearance, and you have a 
team to be reckoned with. 


Rolen will hit behind first base- 


man Albert Pujols and center 
fielder Jim Edmonds—run 
production should not be a 
problem for St. Louis. As for 
pitching, the Cards’ top four 


аа 


starters—Cy Young Award 
winner Chris Carpenter, Mark 
Mulder, Jason Marquis, and 
Jeff Suppan—combined to 
win 66 games last year, an 
average of 16.5 per man. If 
any staff could weather the 
loss of Matt Morris, this is it, 
though the addition of Sidney 
Ponson—whos had exactly 
one winning season in his 
eight-year career—seems an 
odd roll of the dice. 

The return of Barry Bonds 
and his 150-200 walks alone 
makes San Francisco an 
instant favorite in the weak 
N.L. West. (San Diego went 
82-80 last year and won the 
division by five games.) 
Signing Morris away from St. 
Louis gives the Giants a solid 
No. 2 between ace Jason 
Schmidt, who's looking to 
bounce back from a down 
year, and No. 3 Noah Lowry. 
Everyone in the lineup will be 
happy to have Bonds back, 
since his presence will boost 
production tor Ray Durham, 
Moises Alou, and Pedro Feliz. 


i "m a 
Rolen on: With their All-Star third baseman back in the fold, 
the Cards will return to the Fall Classic. 


PENTHOUSE 


“It's great to be a part of radio history,’ said Pet lS 
Vandeven (January '06) at the Howard Stern rally = 
outside New York City's K-Rock studios for the King Of 
All Media's last morning on terrestrial radio. “This 1S my 
first public appearance as a Pet, and | can't imagin 
better way to begin.” She was joined by с 7 
(POY Runner-Up '04), Victoria Zdrok (POY 04) 
thousands of other fans. Waiting in Howard’s greenroor 
the festivities to begin, the Pet trio delighted in meetir 
cream of Howard’s “Wack Pack” crop: Wendy the F 
Gary the Retard, Triple Н, Riley Martin, Daniel “ККК 
Carver, and pint-size powerhouse Beetlejuice. “l asked 
Beetlejuice for an autograph but he turned me dow 
saying, ‘No autographs, no autographs, " says Heath 


“| didn't care. | couldn't believe | met all these people 
person after listening to them on Howard's show for | 
Another highlight was Victoria’s interview with How 


Howard’s 


during which she stripped down to the bare essentials 
and got a firm spanking from Artie Lange for being a “plug 
whore.” “Howard teases me because I’m always plugging 
different Penthouse products,” explains Victoria. “But he 
loves me so much. I’ve been on the show more than any 
centerfold in history—ten times and counting!” 

Courtney was also a sight to behold. She wore nothing 
but pasties, high heels, and a G-string under her leather 
trench coat. “Winter be damned!” she said. “I want to 
look as sexy as possible! I'll catch a cold for Howard, no 
problem at all” Penthouse would like to thank the entire 
staff at The Howard Stern Show for their continued loyalty 
over the past 20 years. To view sexy Pet pictures from the 
greatest radio show in history, visit HowardStern.com. 


4 DENVER 


"When | first saw the February issue of Penthouse, | flipped out!” Charlie Laine tells 
us. "| screamed, ‘Oh, my God! I'm beautiful!’ | swear | made myself horny.” It's this kind 
of unbridled enthusiasm that made Charlie the toast of the town during appearances 
at the Penthouse Club and the annual Wing Bowl, sponsored by KBPI-FM's "The Uncle 
e | Nasty Show.” “I had the best time meeting fans," she says. “1 can put away a lot of 

-* wings with a nice pitcher of beer and a cute guy." Charlie can also beat the best of 


< 


| them in a belching contest. “Oh, I'm little, but | can make the Earth move! Believe it." 


70 PENTHOUSE.COM 


You took me under your wing. 


You cared for everythino. 
But why won't you talk to us 
About that scene from Wild Things? 


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69 


This Mother's Day, we honor the celebrity moms 
who fuel our fantasies. 


By Elise Nersesian 
Illustrations by Darren Thompson 


Angelina Joti Heidi Klum 


Mom makes us smile. Thank you for your love. 
Mom puts us to bed. It means more than it seems. 
Mom makes things better. But most of all we thank you, 
When will you and Dad wed? For our Victoria's Secret dreams! 


68 PENTHOUSE.COM 


= 


"| think I'm goofy and easygoing, | can have fun anywhere, and l'm a bit 
of a dork. | love The lord of the Rings films, Harry Potter, and comic-book movies, like Sin City." If you want 
to geek out with this luscious hottie, check out Penthouse.com/ joey. 


67 


44 


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64 PENTHOUSE.COM 


"This summer l'm going to visit Greece —first, because I'm half Greek, and second, 
because l'm into history. | figure Greece is as historic as it gets. And since | can sum up my sexual experience 
in three words— ‘absolutely no regrets' 一 of course | wouldn't say no to a fling or two." 


62 PENTHOUSE.COM 


Photographs by Brett Bereny 


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to travel, party, and enjoy every square inch of my youth!” 


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| was at my friend Bob's 
apartment the other night, 
sharing a bottle of wine and 
sex stories of yore with him, 
when he pulled out his high 
school yearbook. He flipped 
through the pages to help jog 
his memory and stopped at 
the class of '94. 

"Oh, | remember this girlé 
He tapped the page where a 
senior with big bangs and a 
crooked smile had the word 
FRANKFUCKER penciled in above 
her head. "This girl once 
masturbated with a hot dog 
and got it stuck in her vagina. 
ohe had to be rushed to the 
EH so the doctors could 
remove it." 

That's weird, | told him, 
since | also went to high 
school with a girl who got a 
hot dog stuck between her 


sex legend—a saucy tale with 
differing details that's told and 
re-told, typed and retyped, 
from mouths and in-boxes 
everywhere. 


Cock or BuLL? 

Sex-related legends can be 
true or false—or somewhere in 
between. What makes a story 
an urban sex legend is how 
often its heard through the 
grapevine. Though the hot- 
dog-fucking story has been 
circulating since the 1960s, 
there has never been a 
documented case. 

Some legends include 
celebrities (like a certain 
movie star with a gerbil- 
infested rectum). But usually 
they're about regular people 
who happen to get caught 
with a dog in their genitals. Or 


Gettin S Tail 


dog is in though most 
likely it's walking funny.) 


THE MoRAL OF THE STORY 
People love telling a good 
story—especially a good sex 
story, which is partly why 
urban sex legends continue to 
propagate. Many tales also 
contain а moral lesson (е.9., 
don't have sex with meat by- 
products), which we should 
heed to avoid being caught in 
a similar predicament. 

Say you wanted to try 
cybersex, for example. You 
might remember getting an 
e-mail about a college girl who 
met a man over the Internet. 
They exchanged fantasies 
and cyber-boned each other's 
RAMs out for an entire year 
before finally meeting face-to- 
face at a hotel. The girl arrived 


路 SEXDIARY SEXDIARY Еа 


first, lit some candles, and 
stripped down. When her 
mystery man arrived, she 
swung open the door and 
shrieked, "DaddyéWhat are 
you doing here?é Her father 
was equally disturbed to find 
out his naked little girl was his 
Internet lover. Although this 
tale was determined to be 
false by the urban legend- 
debunking Website Snopes 
.com, you can still take away a 
valuable lesson: Always ask to 
see a picture of the person 
you're planning to fuck. 

As for Bob's ex-classmate, | 
told him it was an urban legend 
and probably wasnt true. 
"Nuh-uh, it really happened," 
he argued. "Her sister's best 
friend's boyfriend drove her to 
the ER. He told me himselfé 

Riiight. Oa 


“That's weird, since | also went to high school with a girl who got a 


hot dog stuck between her buns. | bet you did, too. Let's see 
a show of hands. (Sorry, you have to pull them out of your pants.)” 


buns. And | bet you did, too. 
Lets see a show of hands. 
(Sorry, gentlemen, that means 
you have to pull them out of 
your pants.) l'd say more than 
half of you went to school! with 
a wiener-porker and, chances 
are, she was the unattainable, 
ice-cold popular princess. The 
end of the story varies: Either 
the hot dog was self-retrieved 
immediately and put back in 
the fridge, to be later eaten by 
her unsuspecting brother, or 
the frank was found by a 
doctor weeks later, covered 
with maggots. You probably 
heard the story from a friend of 
a friend, or her second cousin 
twice removed, or her sister's 
friend's gymnastic coach's 
stepdaughter. Thats because 
the hot-dog story is an urban 


their genitals in a dog, 
according to this tale: A British 
man plays his wedding cere- 
mony video at the reception, 
but instead of seeing the 
groom at the altar, the guests 
are shocked to witness him 
burying his cock in a bull ter- 
rier. And thats why you should 
never record your wedding 
ceremony using the same 
tape you used to record 
your acts of bestiality. This 
legend has been making the 
cyber rounds for more than 
ten years, but as far-fetched as 
it sounds, it's actually true. 
There have been several news 
reports on the incident since it 
happened. (The man was later 
convicted and given a six- 
month suspended Jail sen- 
tence. No word on how the 


58 PENTHOUSE.COM 


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Ready to play! Our January 
2006 Pet of the Month, Heather 
Vandeven, photographed by 
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for more fun and games at 
Penthouse.com/heather. 


PICTORIALS 


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You don’t 
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s are a total turnoff. To put your best face forward, you've got to give 


your peepers a rest—or at least make it look like you do. 


Maybe you've spent a lifetime 
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out on the beach, or skate- 
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maybe you've been putting in 
too many hours at the office, and 
you look too tired to impress a 
date. (We prefer to think you've 
been putting in too many hours 
with the ladies, and you look too 
tired to impress your boss.) 
Whatever the cause of your 
visible signs of exhaustion, you 
can erase the evidence with 
these eye-care products. 


Compromise nothing. That's the 
philosophy behind Moxie for 
Men, and we cant help but like 
the company’s attitude. If you 
rely on coffee or cola to give you 
a jolt, let Double-Shot Caffein- 
ated Eye Cream boost cir- 
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those awful bags under your 
eyes (MoxieforMen.com).... 
Billy Jealousy's Wipe Out 
promises to "transform your 
eyes from bloodhound to 
bedroom in an instant," which 
sounds like a pretty good 

deal. The cream does help 
conceal dark circles, but it's 
really the licorice extract and 
lactic acid that get the job 
done (BillyJealousy.com).... Go 
ahead—play with your balls. 
Instant Moisture Eye Gel from 
Lab Series for Men uses a 
metal roller ball to dispense a 


lightweight, refreshing serum 
with a cooling touch. Rarely 
does a quarter-ounce go such a 
long way (LabSeries.com).... 
Revitalizing Eye Creme Q10 
from Nivea for Men replenishes 
the body's own coenzyme Q10, 
an antioxidant, to give the area 
around your eyes a flawless 
appearance. It also contains 
SPF 6 to guard against harmful 
UV rays (Nivea.com).... Look 
like you're getting your z’s with 
Zirh's Restore, an herbal cream 
that makes the delicate skin 
around the eyes stronger and 
more resilient (Zirh.com).... For 
me?, she'll think when she sees 
how good you look, but it's really 
4VOO. The brand's Rejuve- 
nating Under Eye Gel contains 
15 botanical extracts, essential 
oils, vitamins, and minerals to 
moisturize, firm, and tone 
(4VOO.com).... Jack Black's 
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color-free gel that soaks in 
immediately to reduce puffiness, 
minimize dark circles, and help 
alleviate fine lines (GetJack 
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Formula is heavy on the 
science and even heavier on 
results. A whole bunch of 
ingredients—including shea 
butter, green tea, and vitamins 
C, E, and K—go into making this 
product stand and deliver 
(Menscience.com).... Clinique 


Skin Supplies for Men offers 
Daily Eye Hydrator, a moistur- 
izing gel that diminishes fine 
lines and shadows, and protects 
the skin from environmental 
irritants (Clinique.com).... 
Breathe more easily with Hydra- 
Detox Yeux, part of Biotherm 
Hommes new line of oxygen- 
boosting skin-care products. 
This gel “decongests” the eye 
area for a more refreshed look 
(BiothermHomme-USA.com).... 
If you've got an eye emergency 
on your hands, bust out Ménaji's 
911 Eye Gel. It works in minutes 
and refreshes like an ice pack— 
pop the whole tube in your 
fridge for added punch (Menaji 
.com).... Seeing red? Rohto V. 
eyedrops, in Cool and Ice, 
relieve redness and lubricate 
eyes to soothe and brighten. 
They're made with menthol, so 
they leave your eyes feeling 
rejuvenated. lf ever an eyedrop 
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keen on gels, creams, or drops? 
Take a less hands-on approach 
with Nickel's Eyes on the 
Rocks. Place this gel mask in 
the refrigerator for 15 minutes, 
then slip it over your eyes. In just 
five minutes, your eyes’ rims are 
soothed and your bags are 
deflated (NickelSkinCare.com). 

Now, go put your peepers to 
their proper use: ogling hot 
chicks!O+— 


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I'm basically screwed. If they ever 
opened a strip joint where nobody wore 
that skunk perfume, it would be the 
most packed place in town. 
Hypothetically, then: You're at the 
Olympic Garden in Vegas, fresh off 
winning $2,000 at blackjack. What 
does the Sports Guy look for in an 
exotic dancer? 

Someone who doesn't smell like they 
just covered themselves in cherry air 
freshener from a car wash. 

As you get older, which excites you 
more: 36-24-36 or .300-.400-.900 
batting average-OBP-OPS? 

| would be more excited for the 36-24- 
36, because women aren't built like that 
anymore. None of them eat, and 
everyone chain-smokes relentlessly. So 
the figures that we grew up ogling don't 
exist anymore. When l'm president, one 
of my goals will be to make women eat 
fried foods again. Just look at poor 
Jennifer Aniston: She was a pantheon 
babe on Friends; now shes just a giant 
head with little stick appendages. 
Where did her boobs go? Why would 
you want to lose boobs like that? 

If your wife, the Sports Gal, granted 


“T support 
wish ui 


you one free pass, who would you 
choose? 

The funny thing is, up until April of last 
year, | would have said Katie Holmes. 
Does that make me gay? Now | would 
go with Angelina Jolie. She's like a 
smoldering volcano. l'm convinced that 
she should be our next president. She 


could convince any man to do anything. 


Even women want to make out with her. 
At the very least, she should become 
the commissioner of baseball—she's 
the only person who could convince the 
big-market teams to have revenue 
sharing and a salary cap. 

If you had to reciprocate, who would 
you want your wife to choose? 

Either Mike Ditka or Bob Dole. 

Where do you stand on the Texas 
hold 'em craze: can't end soon 
enough, indifferent, or hope it goes 
on forever? 

| hate the overexposure, and | dont 
think it's going to last, but its fun for 
people like me who know how to play 
poker— always win at the tables now. 
All these online poker freaks have no 
idea how to play when they're sitting at 
the table. They're easy to read, and 


54 PENTHOUSE.COM 


any 
we could gamble a 


they cant read anyone else because 
they're used to guessing what complete 
strangers have in their online poker 
room that they can't see. Easy money. 
What's your favorite sporting event to 
wager on? 

Playoff football: separates the men from 
the boys. Least favorite: the NHL. You 
just feel dumb saying things like, "Yeah, 
| have the Blue Jackets getting a goal 
and a half tonight." But | support any 
gambling. | wish we could gamble at 
weddings, strip joints, bachelor parties, 
you name it. For instance, | went to a 
wedding a few years ago where | 
wagered with someone that the best- 
man speech would suck. And it did. | 
won two rounds of drinks. 

Which would you most want to do: 
hit the World Series-winning walk-off 
homer, à la Bill Mazeroski in 1960; 
stick the championship-winning 
three-pointer, à la John Paxson in 
1993; or thread the Super Bowl- 
winning touchdown pass, à la Joe 
Montana in 1989? 

Га choose the walk-off home run 
because of the whole "Round the bases 
with your arm raised, flip the helmet 


coming around third base, then jump 
into the happy pile of teammates at 
home plate" thing. That looks astound- 
ingly fun to me. We should be able to 
bid on this experience on eBay. 

You're wired into pop culture. Please 
explain why more than seven people 
watch Dancing With the Stars. 

It's the same phenomenon as Jay Leno 
being the No. 1 late-night show, 
NASCAR being wildly popular, or slot 
machines generating a kajillion dollars 
of casino income. "т sure it's true—l 
just don't know anyone who likes any of 
those things. People always forget there 
are, like, 250 million people living in 
America. | remember being on a plane 
once and reading a book. | kept 
hearing everyone laughing, so | looked 
up and the TV was showing some 
Tonight Show rerun. | looked around, 
saw the people on the plane, and 
thought, Ahhh ... now It makes sense. 
Which do you prefer: the scripted 
Lost, or reality juggernaut Survivor? 
| love Lost, but Survivor has been 
delivering the goods for six years now. 
Its the perfect metaphor for life— 
people gaining the trust of other people, 


gaming. 1 | 
in we weddings, 
strip joints, bachelor parties.” 


screwing them over, pretending to feel 
bad about it, then cashing a giant 
check in the end. 

Name your favorite movie of last year. 
| loved Into the Blue—Jessica Alba 
scuba diving, Scott Caan trying to seem 
tall, Paul Walker doing his poor man's 
Keanu impression, and Josh Brolin 
trying to play an evil bad guy with 

facial hair. That movie really brought 
everything to the table. We need to 
create the Bad-Yet-Enjoyable-Movie 
Oscars—that would have swept every 
category. Plus, it would be fun to see 
Keanu get the lifetime-achievement 
award. Come on, you wouldn't watch 
that telecast? 

Which is tougher: writing comedy 
with tape-time approaching on a late- 
night show or filing a column on 
deadline? 

Writing comedy was much tougher, only 
because youre sharing an office with a 
bunch of lunatics who are farting and 
throwing Nerf footballs around and 
finding porn on the Internet and trying 
to distract everyone else who's working. 
It's like writing, but with a degree of 
difficulty attached. 


Is it true that Jimmy Kimmel grills 
pizzas and makes calzones for his 
pals on NFL Sundays? Hard to 
imagine Letterman doing that. 

Only his friends and family know this, 
but Jimmy answers the age-old 
question, "What would Martha Stewart 
be like with a penis and a sense of 
humor?" And the answer is this: "Quite 
delightful!" 

You're alone in your car: Howard 
Stern on satellite radio with no 
commercials, or your pal Adam 
Carolla on terrestrial radio with 26 
minutes of ads an hour? Be honest. 
| would always choose Carolla over 
Stern. He's the only person | know who 
loves bad movies as much as me. This 
is a guy who can discuss Quicksilver 
for 45 solid minutes. l'm not kidding. 
l've seen him do it. 

Back to baseball for one more 
question. We've heard lots of con- 
flicting percentages, but in your gut, 
how prevalent do you think steroid 
use was in baseball at its peak? 

га say three out of every ten guys. It's 
amazing there weren't more basebrawls. 
| think ‘roid rage is overrated.O4—g 


washed-up name in his early thirties. | 
hate them. | truly hate them. 

If you could write George 
Steinbrenner's epitaph, what would 
you carve on his tombstone? 

The answer to the age-old question: 
What would happen if you crossed 
Thurston B. Howell and Judge Smails, 
and gave them a baseball team in 
New York? 

Your childhood hero, Jim Rice, fell 
short this year in what may have 
been his last best shot for the Base- 
ball Hall of Fame. Do you think Rice 
deserves to be in Cooperstown? 
My childhood hero was Freddie Lynn! 
Fair enough, but Lynn doesn’t have 
the numbers. Does Rice? 

| always liked Rice, but there was 
nothing warm about him. He was 
completely devoid of charisma. You 
never played in the backyard 
pretending to be Jim Rice. | thought 
he was about two quality seasons 
short of being a Hall of Famer—he just 
didn't age well. He was like the Farrah 


w can I convince my friends who 


` aren't Red Sox fans to read your 


book, Now I Can Die in Peace? 
Here's how: It's about following a team 
for your entire life, suffering with them, 
pretty much giving up, then watching 
everything turn around in the span of 


` 12 days. The book just happens to be 


about the Red Sox. Any fan can 
identify with it. Plus, the footnotes are 
fun and | get to drop some F-bombs. 
Kinda like right now in this interview. 
Fuck, shit, ass. 

Who is the one person from your 
life who would be most surprised 
that Bill Simmons became a best- 
selling author”? 

Probably my ninth-grade English 
teacher, who gave me a 60 one 
trimester: Mr. Griswold. Part of me 
wanted to mail him a copy of the book 
with a note like, "Why dont you give 
this a 60, you prick?!” But | actually 
deserved the 60. | never liked the 
whole studying thing. It always 
conflicted with sports and TV. 

Have you ever written anything in 
your column that you regretted? 
At least once a month. My biggest 
mistake ever was when | had my old 
Website. | wrote a tongue-in-cheek 
column about how they needed to 
stop playing the National Anthem 
before games because it was a pain 
in the ass to stand up, especially if 
youre holding beer or food, and 
nobody really gave a crap about the 
song anyway. People went bonkers. 
Fortunately | only had, like, 100 


readers at the time. If | wrote that 
column now, | think | would be exiled 
from Disney like Bill Maher was. 

On a scale of one to ten, with one 
being the health of the pre-lockout 
NHL and ten being Magic-Bird in 
the '84 finals, how would you rank 
the current health of the NBA? 
Probably a solid seven. The biggest 
problem is when they have seasons 
like this one, where the finals were set 
in stone in mid-November, barring a 
major injury (Pistons-Spurs). No other 
sport has this problem. And its a 
problem. Everything else is great — 
likable young stars, more scoring, a 
drug-testing program that prohibits 
guys from playing with earth-shat- 
tering levels of residual THC in their 
system.... You couldnt ask for much 
more. Except a competitive league. 
Given how glorious your childhood 
was with the Celtics, how bummed 
are you that they seem locked in 
numbing, permanent mediocrity? 

| am constantly bummed out. | am 
never not bummed out about this. | 
feel like we used up 100 years of 
good karma in the first 30 years, then 
the wheels came off. We're coming up 
on the 20-year anniversary of Lenny 
Bias's death. He was like the patient 
zero for this ongoing debacle. By the 
way, thanks for bringing me down. 
l'm sure you toggle back and forth, 
but if you had to choose one right 
now, would you watch a Celtics 
game or LeBron James? 

га watch the Celtics. They're like 
having an uncoordinated son: Maybe 
they suck, but you still go to the Little 
League games and support them. 
Has marriage and family lessened 
the allure of the gentlemen's club? 
Yes. There are two big problems here. 
First, | hate turning people down, for 
any reason. lt always makes me feel 
bad when I'm sitting there hanging out 
with a buddy, drinking a $12 beer and 
watching some naked chick rape a 
pole on the stage, and then the six- 
foot-two stripper with stretch marks 
who looks like Randy Johnson comes 
over and tries to snooker one of us 
into a dance. So you have to lie and 
say, "Sorry, | just had one!” Or, "May- 
be later." Or even, “I can't. My jeans 
are covered in semen right now." | 
always feel terrible. Deep down, they 
know the truth: | don't want a dance 
because they look like Randy John- 
son. And second, all the strippers 
wear that pungent perfume. You cant 
get that scent off your clothes unless 
you wash them or burn them. And my 
wife is absolutely smart enough to 
smell my clothes when | come home 
from Vegas, and she absolutely would 
stab me in the middle of the night. So 


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magazine and his almost-daily 
commentary on ESPN.com, and 
published his first book, Now I 
Can Die in Peace. The book recounts 
Simmons's lifelong love affair with the 
Red Sox, and the roller-coaster ride of 
the team's 86-years-in-the-making 
2004 World Series title. It sold out three 
printings and became a best-seller. 
Our man Kevin Hench recently 
huddled with the Sports Guy to talk 
about the Holy Cross grad's holy trinity: 
sports, women, and pop culture. 


Assuming your wife and daughter 
will never read this interview, which 
caused more euphoric delirium: the 
Red Sox winning the World Series in 
2004, or the birth of your daughter 
the following year? 

They were strangely similar experi- 
ences. In each case, | was stressed the 
entire time and thinking about every 
possible thing that could go wrong. And 
then, when everything turned out okay, | 
was more relieved and drained than 
anything. Still, Рт going with having a 
healthy baby— it's the single greatest 
experience you can have in life, other 
than watching the Joe Namath-Suzy 
Kolber interview on a continuous loop. 
For sheer elation, which was the 
best: beating the Yankees in Game 7 
in Yankee Stadium, sweeping the 
Cardinals, or Adam Vinatieri's field 
goal in Super Bowl XXXVI? 

Winning the Rams-Pats Super Bowl was 
the biggest for me only because | was 
there, and because no Boston team 
had won a title in 15-plus years. So 
everyone was bitter and miserable, and 
wondering if Boston fans were cursed 
and all that crap. | just don't think you 
can top winning a Super Bowl for the 
first time, as 14-point underdogs. It's 
impossible. Plus, the game was played 
in New Orleans and every Pats fan was 
a drunken, sobbing mess on Bourbon 
otreet afterward. | still can't believe what 
happened, actually. It was like one of 
those Total Recall dream experiences 
that Arnold would have ordered. 

Do you ever worry you'll wake up one 
morning, open the sports section, 
see that Hugh Millen is quarter- 
backing the Patriots, and realize the 
whole Tom Brady thing was a dream? 
Yes. Every day. My old college 
roommate, Gene McDonough, said it 
best: "It's completely unfathomable how 
far they have come. It's the equivalent 
of waking up 15 years from now and 
discovering that Bangladesh is a 
military and economic superpower." 
The Red Sox have suffered some 
high-profile free-agent defections 
over the years. Where does Johnny 
Damon going to the Yankees rank? 

| think he got somewhat of a bad rap. 


The Sox obviously didn't want him 
back. They low-balled him. At least he 
seemed a little bummed out about it, 
unlike that traitor hick [Roger] Clemens. 
га give [Damon] a 4.3. With Clemens 
being a 10.0, of course. 


52 PENTHOUSE.COM 


The Yankees: honorable opponent or 
Evil Empire? 

Evil Empire, and then some. | love when 
they pretend like they're cutting back 
every winter, then they casually 
overspend for another potentially 


Bill Simmons 


TOUCHES 


‘Em All 


made Simmons one of America’s most popular sportswriters? Kevin Hench finds out. 


It’s no surprise that hard-core Boston fans love their native-son 


Sports Guy. But why have millions of readers beyond Beantown 


Bill Simmons began his 
professional life as the 
Boston Sports Guy on his 
Website in the 1990s. In 
2001 he dropped “Bos- 
ton” from his moniker and 
jumped to ESPN.com. 
His column was a runa- 
way success, drawing 
hordes of avid readers 
from all over the country. 

They came for his 
endless array of pop- 
culture references, his 
frequently laugh-out-loud 
prose, and his clever 
coinages. Simmons has 
laid claim to the 
Unintentional Comedy 
Scale (self-explanatory); 
the Ewing Theory, 
disseminated by 
Simmons but credited to 
his friend Dave Cirilli 


Illustrations by Richard Stanley 


(which applies to a team 
that loses its star player 
but improves—a la the 
1999 New York Knicks, 
who lost Patrick Ewing 
but went on to the NBA 
Finals); and the Reggie 
Cleveland All-Stars 
(honoring players whose 
names do not seem to 
“match” their ethnicities). 
They stayed for his 
encyclopedic knowledge 
of sports, his sharp 
insights, and, in some 
cases, just to bitch about 
his Boston-centric view of 
the sports world—or 
simply to hate on his 
success. Yes, you can 
take the Sports Guy out 
of Boston, but you can't 
take Boston out of the 
Sports Guy (well, unless 


you count his nickname). 
Simmons, 36, is a die- 
hard fan, though “die- 
hard” doesn't seem 
strong enough: He lives, 
breathes, and drinks the 
Red Sox, Patriots, and 
Celtics—and he wears 
those allegiances on his 
sleeve. Thus, his readers 
will occasionally get a 
column of, oh, 10,000 
words on the Boston 
Celtics (the current 
Boston Celtics). 

Clearly, though, the 
majority of Simmons 
readers are willing to 
tolerate such diversions. 
After a brief sojourn as 
a writer on Jimmy Kimmel 
Live, he returned to 
ESPN, resumed his 
monthly column for the 


51 


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Like a hankering for the 
taste of buffalo wings, a 
soft spot for Kelly Clarkson, 
and a problem with 
commitment, most guys 
have an unhealthy obsession 
with fantasy football. The 
summer months are like 
withdrawal for them. But 
they don't have to be. 

There's no reason to go cold 
turkey. Just substitute baseball 
for football, Nick Johnson for 
Larry Johnson, Shawn Green 
for Trent Green, and Joe Buck 
for, well, Joe Buck. That's right, 
fantasy baseball—older, wiser, 
and more genteel than its 
football cousin—can serve as a 
nice holdover until your August 
fantasy pigskin draft date. Sure, 
you'll have to keep up with stats 
like a middle reliever's WHIP on 
an everyday basis, have an eye 
for which prospect is performing 
in cities like Bowie and Toledo, 
and need to follow the waiver 
wire on an hourly basis. But 
you're ready. Consider it boot 
camp for the fantasy football 
season. 

Here are five do's and don'ts 
for the upcoming fantasy base- 
ball campaign. 


THE DON’TS 


1. Don't show up unprepared 
for the draft. You'll be the laugh- 
ingstock of the league. And the 
jokes will continue until Labor 
Day. The last thing you want to 
do is select Mel Hall with your 
final-round pick. Be prepared, 
be knowledgeable, and, most 
important, be sober. 

2. Don't give up on your play- 
ers too soon. It's real easy to 
label an underachiever a "bust" 
in May. Fight the temptation. 
The baseball season lasts for- 
ever, and if a professional team 
isn't willing to cut bait on a guy, 


de 


1. Draft players you've seen play 
before. For every fantasy base- 
ball rookie stud who can save 
your season, there are two duds 
who can screw it up. Robinson 
Cano and Ryan Howard were 
great midseason pickups in '05. 
But how many of those owners 
took risks on Gavin Floyd and/or 
Dallas McPherson back in April? 
Rookies are a crapshoot. You 
might as well take a guy you can 
pick up out of a lineup. 

2. Load up on pitchers in the 
later rounds of the draft. There's 
nothing worse than hitting the 
All-Star break, looking at your 
fantasy team's pitching staff, 
and having to consider picking 
up John Franco off waivers. You 


By Peter Schfager 


can never have enough arms. 
Pitchers get hurt, they miss 
starts—that’s baseball. There's 
no reason your team should get 
burned because of it. 

3. Purchase the MLB Extra 
Innings package. It's late July, 
there's nothing on TV except Will 
& Grace reruns, and the sum- 
mer heat is playing tricks with 
your head. You might as well 
engulf yourself in your fantasy 
baseball squad. Watch the kids 
out in Pittsburgh, track the bats 
in Texas, and call it an evening 
with some late-night storytelling 
courtesy of Vin Scully. 

4. Think of a clever team name. 
Hey, this is a six-month invest- 
ment. That's about 180 days of 
waking up, logging on to your 
fantasy baseball site, and hav- 


THE DO'S 


ing to stare at that team name. 
You better like it. If it’s timely in 
March, it won't be in August. 

If you're pressed, just use an 
inside joke that attacks one of 
your fellow league members. 
“Jeff Owns a Hanson CD” will 
never get old. 

5. Draft guys who play 
multiple positions. Sure, Alex 
Rodriguez was the A.L. MVP in 
2005. But the Fantasy Baseball 
MVP in 2005? That was the 
Los Angeles Angels' do-every- 
thing-everywhere guy, Chone 
Figgins. Last season, Figgins 
played 42 games at second 
base, 56 at third base, four at 
shortstop, 50 at center field, 15 
at left field, eight at right field, 
and seven at DH. Figgins is 
fantasy gold. 


neither should you. Take Jason 
Giambi's 2005 season, for 
example. On July 1, the Yankee 
slugger had only five home 
runs. He hit 27 in the next 
three months. 

3. Don't base your fantasy 
team around your favorite real 
team. This rule is to fantasy 
owners what "Don't get high 
off your own supply" was to 
Tony Montana. It'll absolutely 
kill you. If you're a die-hard 
Astros fan, try to avoid drafting 
all Astros. When they lose, it'll 
burn twice as much. 


4. Don't forget stolen bases. 
They're like a good meal before 
a night of heavy boozing: You 
don't realize the difference they 
make until it's too late. Everyone 
gets burned by stolen bases— 
don't let it happen to you. 

5. Don't draft players you sus- 
pect are on steroids. You'll feel 
filthy cheering these guys on. 
You know who they are: They 
put up crazy numbers pre- 
2005, suffered random back 
injuries last year, and have 
enormous heads. Stay away 
from them. 


sI 
ZA 


LEA 


L 77, 


GUE 


As we've Said, it's the Indians’ turn this year to break their organizational curse. 
The Yankees, the A's, and the White Sox will join them in the playoffs. 


The Yanks’ Cano is sur- 
rounded by All-Stars, MVPs, 
and future Hall of Famers. 


The Yankees' everyday lineup 
will feature the usual collection 
of lock Hall of Famers, former 
MVPs, former All-Stars, and 
future All-Stars. The acquisition 
of Johnny Damon was a double 
whammy of addition by sub- 
traction: adding to their team 
by subtracting from the rival 
Hed Sox. The starting pitching 
may be a little shaky, but there 
is no way a lineup of Damon, 
Derek Jeter (shortstop), Alex 
Rodriguez (third baseman), 
Gary Sheffield (right fielder), 
Hideki Matsui (left fielder), 
Jason Giambi (first baseman), 
Jorge Posada (catcher), and 
Hobinson Cano (second 


Oakland lefty Zito heads arguably the best rotation in 
baseball, backed by 2005 Rookie of the Year closer Street. 


baseman) will miss the 
postseason. 

The reloaded As will have to 
fend off a stiff challenge from 
the Angels, but their rotation of 
Barry Zito, Rich Harden, Danny 
Haren, Esteban Loaiza, and 
Joe Blanton may be the best in 
baseball. Huston Street in- 
herited the closer role when 
Octavio Dotel got hurt last 
year. Street went on to win 
Hookie of the Year, nailing down 
23 saves and a 1.72 E.R.A. 


Adding outfielder Milton 
Bradley was a quiet coup for 
Oakland, bolstering a lineup 
built around slugging 
sophomore infielders Dan 
Johnson and Nick Swisher: 
prototypical Billy Beane-types 
with power and patience. 
Look for Oakland to win the 
American League West. 

For the first time since the 
format was instituted in 
1995, the wild-card winner will 
come from the A.L. Central, 


Free-agent Konerko stayed 
put, much to the delight 
of the Southsiders' faithful. 


as the White Sox ride their solid 
rotation back to the playoffs. 
Trading center fielder 

Aaron Rowand for the aging 
slugger Jim Thome was a 

risk. If it pays off, first baseman 
Paul Konerko (40 homers, 

100 RBIs in 2005) will have 

a whole lot more protection 

in a lineup that scored only just 
enough last year, finishing 
ninth in the league in runs. The 
addition of Javier Vazquez 

to the quartet of Jose Con- 
treras, Mark Buehrle, Freddy 
Garcia, and Jon Garland 
means Ozzie Guillen's rotation 
will once again lead the 

league in innings pitched. 


PENTHOUSE PLAYOFF 


National League World Series 


^^ 


as 


Cardinals defeat 
Phillies in four 


e 


Mets defeat 
Giants in four 


EN 


Cardinals defeat 
Mets in seven 


кш” 


Indians defeat White Sox in six 


UP 


Indians defeat A’s in five 


White Sox defeat 
Yankees in four 


Indians defeat 
Cardinals in seven 


AWARDS 


MVP 


Alex Rodriguez is ina 
class all his own. 


Cy Young 


Roy Halladay bounces back from 


leg injury. 


Manager of the Year 
Eric Wedge plays Moses, leads 
Tribe to Promised Land. 


Comeback Player 


of the Year 


Jim Thome is resurrected. 


MVP 


It’s Albert Pujols’s award 
until further notice. 


Cy Young 


Roy Oswalt wins his first. 


Manager of the Year 
Felipe Alou steers the Giants 
back to playoffs. 


Comeback Player 


of the Year 
Barry Bonds passes Babe Ruth on 
his way to the comeback award. 


LAS VEGAS 


А 


ay å T 5 


Melissa's Pretty Puss 


"Hi! l'm Penthouse Pet Melissa Jacobs, and this is 
my pussy!" announced our Milwaukee sweetheart at 
the AVN Convention in Las Vegas. The October '05 
centerfold caused a near fan riot as her Pet Pussy 
was raffled off every afternoon at the Penthouse 
booth. “It's awesome. | love it!” says Melissa, who 
joined the long line of popular Pets who have a 
vibrating pussy toy named after them. “I enjoyed the 
whole process of making it—having the mold done, 
and the liquid being poured on my bare beaver. It 
was pretty hot, actually." PenthouseStore.com 


LOS ANGELES 


Bald Is Beautiful 


“| love men with shaved or bald heads,” said sweet 
'n’ sassy Cassia Riley (POY Runner-Up '06) at 

a Kumho Street Warriorz show in Los Angeles. “l 
like the way it shines in the light, and how smooth 
it feels. So right now, | vow to sign every chrome 
dome | see on tour. It's like I’m putting my sexy 
stamp of approval on every beautiful bald man 

| see. It makes me hot!” To find out what else gets 
our playful beauty going, see her Website, 
SexyCassia.com. 


By Lainie Speiser 


Pımp & Ho 
Goes Penthouse Style 


Our very own Mack Mommy, 
Cassia Riley, and Movement 
Events hosted the 2005 King 
& Queen, Pimp & Ho Party, 
which was held at Club 740 in 
Los Angeles. More than 2,000 
people gathered together to 
mix and mingle with the sexy 
set, and to watch the wild 

and wonderful Cassia crown 
Orange County hunk Kash and 
Southern California sex bomb 
Kim. For more coverage of 
the slamming soiree, surf over 
to MovementEvents.com. 


WANNA PARTY WITH PENTHOUSE PETS? 


Log on to Penthouse.com to find the latest event in your 
area, or tell us where you think we should go next. Send 
suggestions to: 


and we may drop by sooner than you think. 


71 


Ss PENTHOUSEFORUM 


READY WHEN You ÄRE 
My wife loves reading the 
Penthouse “Forum” letters 
so much, we decided to 
read them together each 
month. We already have a 
great sex life, but the letters 
make it even better. Jade is 
a luscious, jet-haired nymph. 
She's about five-five, with 

a small waist and big tits. | 
cant even look at her without 
my head filling with erotic 
fantasies. Fortunately, I'm 
always ready when she's 
willing, and vice versa. 

We'd just finished reading 
the letters in the February 
issue, and believe me—that 
was no easy task. Each 
month it's the same thing: We 
take turns reading, but keep 
getting turned on by all the 
fucking and sucking going on 


letter, so she deep-throated 
me with ease, causing me to 
cry out in pure joy. 

"| want to fuck you,” | said. 
She pulled my cock from her 
mouth and smiled before 
deep-throating me again, 
making my toes curl and my 
back arch. 

"You're going to make me 
come if you dont let up,” | 
growled, clenching my hands. 
Jade released my cock and 
laughed as | rolled onto my 
back. She mounted me, 
and her pussy was so juicy 
that | slipped right in. She 
felt incredibly hot and wet. 
When | reached up to fondle 
her breasts and roll her stiff 
nipples between my fingers, 
she went buck wild, riding me 
like a woman possessed. 

"Oh, my God!” she 
screamed as she gripped 
my shoulders. | let go of 
her boobs, gripped her ass 
cheeks, and held on for dear 
life while we both reveled in 


“Ready when you are,” | 
said, giving her my best 
“This is going to be so fucking 
good look. My hands were 
now touching all the special 
places | know make her feel 
good. Slowly she began 
rocking her hips to and fro, 
feeling the firmness of my 
shaft within her. I'm certain | 
hit her spot more than once, 
because a couple of times 
she froze mid-rock and let out 


| kept pushing her until our 
rhythms finally matched. | was 
thrusting hard and deep, and 
she was giving as good as 
she was getting. 

"Oh, fuck! l'm coming! 
Come with me, now!” she 
screamed. | was right there 
with her. | made one final 
thrust and felt my balls draw 
close to my body. My cock 
stiffened even more. Then my 
body jerked and shuddered 


“When I reached up to fondle her breasts and roll 
her stiff nipples between my fingers, she 
went buck wild, riding me like a woman possessed." 


in the letters. Some nights we 
only manage to get through 
a couple of them before our 
libidos take over. 

This time, а barely finished 
reading the last letter when 
Jade freed my erection from 
my shorts. In seconds she 
had her mouth around me 
and was licking my shaft, then 
sucking my balls. Га been 

hard since she read the first 


8 PENTHOUSE.COM 


the waves of pleasure that 
rippled through us. 

Jade collapsed on my 
chest when she came, her 
hot breath burning my neck. 
We were both breathing hard, 
like we'd just finished running 
a marathon. But my cock, 
which was still lodged inside 
her pussy, was rock hard. | 
was ready to go again. 

| waited as long as | 
possibly could. Then | started 
to gently knead Jade’s plump 
ass. "What, again?" she 
asked. But her hips were 
already rotating against mine 


when she spoke. 


the deepest moan I'd ever 
heard. 

Her slow grinding was 
driving me crazy. "Come on, 
honey,” | begged. It had to be 
my turn now, right? 

But Jade took her time, 
raising and lowering her love 
box over my cock. | started 
to pump with her, trying to 
get her to pick up the pace. 
She started to go faster, and 


as | spewed a mega-load of 
come into her pussy. 

We were covered with 
sweat and come, but it didn't 
matter. We fell asleep in 
each other's arms and didnt 
awaken until the following 
morning. That's usually 
what happens once we 
start reading those steamy 
letters.—M.C., Florida 

CONTINUED ON PAGE 156 


Have you seen the new Penthouse.com? Our new site has more 

than 30 years of your favorite Penthouse Pets, all the Penthouse 

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MISS NEVAEH/PENTHOUSE PET OF THE MONTH 


MISS NEVAEH/PENTHOUSE PET OF THE MONTH 


MISS NEVAEH/PENTHOUSE PET OF THE MONTH 


Nevaeh 
models her 
sex-kitten 
style after the 
ultimate 
blonde bomb- 
shell, Marilyn 
Monroe. While 
posing for 
these photos, 
she thought 
about the last 
time she 
made love. “It 
made me feel 
so super- 
sexy,” she 
confides. We 
can see. TO 
see even 
more, go to 
Penthouse 
.com/nevaeh. 


ad 


IS 3 
her options 
bad boys 

with nice eyes 
turn her on, 
too. “| like 

а man who 
can touch me 
in all the 

right ways,” 
she says. 


Fx 


Now that she's made it, Nevaeh is ready to live out her favorite fantasy: “I'd like to have 
sex with three hot women in a huge penthouse suite, tearing one another's clothes off like there's no 
tomorrow.” Hmm, sounds like a hot new Penthouse DVD in the making! Can we watch? 


87 


т 


۴ 


| 
M EE Г 
— 


In the Loop 


Years of ballet lessons taught Nevaeh to move with grace and poise, a skill she 
uses onstage—and in the bedroom. *l've wanted to be a Pet since | first saw the magazine,” 
says our Chicago beauty. “The sexiest girls are in Penthouse!” 


Photographs by J. Stephen Hicks 


а 


We're looking for the hottest girls in America. 
Go to PenthouseModels.com 


he О SLS 

events from 
O bare her bottom. 
my booty, she says 
| feel like when you’ 
walking on the runway, 
God knows where they 


looking. It’s not that | fe 
self-conscious. It’s tha 
feel like my booty sho 
be shown on special 

occasions, for special 


people.’ 


Mary J. Blige’s latest CD, The Breakthrough, includes a track 

titled “Can’t Get Enough.” But apparently, the songstress be- 

lleves there is such a thing as too much MJB. “I don't mind 

showing my abs and my arms, because | worked hard for 

them” she says. “But | ain't giving you titty, nipple, pubic hair, 
or damn near clitoris.” 


7 I 
Kinky! 
No wonder it didnt 
work out. Nick Lachey | | 
revealed in Elle maga- a | 
zine that during his Р | ) 
marriage to Jessica dE | ^ Y 
Simpson, he would : mm 
put on her shoes and | armari, who says, “As one— 
walk around in them. 5 the male specie 


ately toward them. l've studiec 
fully, like a hunter watches | 


"It was sort of a kinky 
thing we liked to get 
into," he explained. 


DREAMS; DIVERSIONS 


Heather Graham, on food: am a big really like 


food. Sometimes 
about food.... Sc 


m me. He' A 
b ad at me P ee Nh 
sounds v | 


his 


Chris Rock's got it all figured 
out. Explains the comedian, "If 
youre a good-looking guy, girls 
have sex with you, then get to 
know you. If you're not, they get 
to know you before they have 
sex with you.” 


82 PENTHOUSE.COM 


ag if "get really excited 


rll make orgasmic 
d who'd get 
ou makethose 
laving sex?” 


The Gzzman 
Cometh 


It seems Ozzy Osbourne really is the 
Prince of Darkness. Says the missus, 
Sharon: “We have sex every night we're 
together. Every night. Sometimes | have 
to tell him l'm too tired, but Ozzy's never 
tired. | think | might have to file a formal 
complaint against him! 


DREAM 


We'll Take a 
Piece of That 


Jenny Shimizu, reportedly Angelina Jolie's lover 
for more than ten years, on what it's like to pucker up with the 
sexy screen siren: “I’ve never kissed anyone with 
a bigger mouth than Angelina. It's like two water beds.” 


get jea 

deal with bain, left out 
of something. God forbid 
they shouldn't pay atten- 
tion to me” 


to Live by 


“| like being the party, not just being at 
the party 一 Rocker Tommy Lee 


Aloha, » 
Mr. Hand!’ 


Fast Times ¿ at Ridgemont 
High—the 1982 film that put 
Sean Penn on the map as 
Jeff Spicoli and had Phoebe 
Cates giving her carrot a 
blowjob—has been added 

to the National Film Registry 
in the Library of Congress. 
Gnarly, dude! ; 


-DIVERSIONS & 


81 


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ing performance-enhancing drugs? 
During the world championships, we 
are sometimes asked to pass the dop- 
ing tests. That's actually been enacted 
to help chess become an Olympic 
sport. But the most dangerous thing 
for chess is electronic performance en- 
hancement—the use of chess comput- 
ers. Sometimes players cheat by using 
chess programs during a game. That's 
what we really have to be aware of. 
Intuition, long regarded as a female 
quality, is as valuable as calculation 
in chess. Does that give women an 
advantage? 

A good chess player has to have chess 
intuition. That doesn't come from being 
a man or a woman—it comes from your 
chess experience. [hat intuition is not 
solely a female quality. 


psychology—to play against an oppo- 
nent who is not a computer. Don't we still 
like watching track-and-field competi- 
tions, even though humans could easily 
be defeated by cars? | don't think chess 
is in danger because of the development 
of computers, but now all the grandmas- 
ters are starting with chess databases 
and computers. 

You've been called the Anna Kourn- 
ikova of chess. How does that feel? 
At first | didn't really pay much attention. 
| told the public, "If it can help chess— 
attract people and sponsors—then | 
can handle it. You can call me what you 
want. l'Il always be Alexandra Kosteniuk 
and nobody else.” But | kept hearing this 
over and over again, even after Anna 
Kournikova stopped playing, and | don't 
really like that. | just don’t see any reason 


Since the queen is the most powerful 
piece, protecting a vulnerable king, 
why isn’t chess seen as the ultimate 
feminist game? 

In Russia, the queen is male. We have a 
different name for that piece. It's called 
feef | Firzan]. Its the “adviser of the king." 
| think we are the only country that does 
it that way. 

Increasingly these days, computers 
are beating world champions. How 
does this affect the game? 

To me, chess was and is the battle of two 
human beings. What | love in chess is 


to call me this now. 

How do other female chess players 
treat you? 

Most of the female chess players prob- 
ably see me as a competitor. They want 
to beat me. Maybe they want to win a lit- 
tle more against me because sometimes 
they feel jealous, or just to prove they're 
better. Well, thats chess. Its competi- 
tion— like it. 

Your Website is the most-visited 
chess-grandmaster site in the world. 
Why do you think that is? 

Because we keep it up-to-date. | try to 


show that chess is cool. 

| attract fans and people 

not only for chess— 

though | comment on my 

matches and started a 

weekly podcast—but we 

also have fun stuff. We 

have many photos of me 

and other chess players 

from tournaments. We 

are trying to show what 

the life of a chess player 

looks like. | think people 

are interested in that. I’m 

doing my job playing 

chess, but in this world, 

marketing is a very im- 

portant factor. 

One of your site’s catch- 

phrases is “Beauty and 

intelligence can go to- 

gether.’ Yet you remain 

unranked in the World 

Chess Beauty Contest. 

Im trying to show intelli- 

gence first, and that beauty can come 
with it. | show what I’m doing through my 
chess results. The photos are just hob- 
bies. | don't really feel like competing 
in the chess beauty contest because | 
don't understand why | should. | have 
my own site with thousands of photos. | 
think that's enough. All | have to prove is 
in chess tournaments. 

Male or female: Who is the best chess 
player in the world today? 

| would like to play with Kasparov one 
day. He's retired from chess, but he's 
still No. 1 in the world. In September 
2005, Bulgarian chess player Veselin 
Topalov won the world championships 
in Argentina. So now he is the [official] 
world champion. 

Has Bobby Fischer completely lost 
his mind? 

| don't know. I’ve never met him or talked 
to him to make such an opinion. You 
know, people can say a lot, but until you 
see this person, you can't make such a 
... | mean, he was a chess genius. Well, 
Гуе never met him. 

As a kid, were you good at staring 
contests? 

| remember | would play that with my 
cat. She looked at me and | looked at 
her, and | said, "Okay, lets see who will 
be first to blink." 

Who won? 

| did. She just couldn't compete. Og 


19 


Chess has become increasingly popu- 
lar with women, but why has a woman 
never ranked No. 1 in the world? 

Its only recently that more women began 
to compete professionally. Before, it was 
a hobby. Now we have women who win 
money. | do think it's possible for women 
to play as good as men. They just need 
to work hard from a very early age. 
There are separate women's and 
men's grandmaster titles. You're one 
of only ten women in history with 
both. But why should chess rank men 
and women separately? 


/8 PENTHOUSE.COM 


Chess, like other sports, has male and 
female rankings. But in chess, women 
can play in male tournaments—and play 
well. That doesnt happen in tennis or 
other athletic sports. To play chess well, 
you need to concentrate for a long time 
and not make a mistake. For this, you 
need to be in good physical shape. We 
still think men are stronger than women, 
and that gives them an advantage in the 
long-term game. 

Is it accurate to call chess a sport? 

| consider chess a sport. | consider 
myself an athlete because | know how 


much effort you need to play chess well. 
Besides, [for] mental activity you need 
to be in very good physical shape—to 
be able to play chess for five, six hours. 
So part of my preparation for any tour- 
nament consists not only of working on 
chess, but also physical training. 

Like lifting weights or aerobics? 

Not that, but | run five kilometers every 
day. During the winters, when in Moscow, 
| ski. When in Miami, | swim. 

What is the best dietary regimen for 
chess players to improve their perfor- 
mance? 

| havent really noticed anything special 
on this issue. | think it depends on the 
individual. | don't really keep any diet. 
Are cheeseburgers out of the ques- 
tion for you? 

Sometimes | eat a burger, but without 
bread. You know, only the meat part. 
What is the most athletic movement 
you make while playing a game of 
chess? 

Being able to think for five or six hours 
under huge pressure is very, very hard. 
Its difficult to understand if you are not 
really a chess player. For example, | 
recently played the North American 
Open. In America, all tournaments are 
impossible to play because there are at 
least two games a day. That means you 
play for 12 consecutive hours. You can't 
imagine how hard it is. You know, my 
dream has always been to see chess as 
a part of the Olympic games, because | 
see the Olympics as an important way 
to measure the ideal in human perfor- 
mance. The winner of the Olympics is 
someone who dedicates himself or her- 
self totally to this one thing—to win this 
one thing. l'd like to see the Olympic 
games not only as the physical contest 
of humankind, but as the combination of 
physical and mental. | met Juan Antonio 
Samaranch, the former president of the 
International Olympic Committee. | told 
him what | thought, and we got very 
close to putting chess into the Olympic 
games. Unfortunately, Samaranch re- 
tired and the whole idea came to a sud- 
den halt. 

Do you think if chess becomes an 
Olympic event, it will open the door 
for other board games, like Monopoly, 
Scrabble, and Uncle Wiggly? 

Not really, because chess is a little bit 
different. It's ... well, its not Monopoly. 
What policies does chess have regard- 


GC) DJARUM 


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一 一 om las 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: 
Quitting Smoking Now Greatly Reduces 
Serious Risks to Your Health. 


CONTENTS 


34 CELEBRITY NUDES 
By Mr. Skin 


36 GAMETIME 

MLS Preview, Masters Golf, 
NBA Playoffs, and more! 
By John Bolster 


4.0 REVERSE THE CURSE 
PART Ill 

Major League Baseball preview. 
By Kevin Hench 


50 BILL SIMMONS 
TOUCHES ’EM ALL 
Interview by Kevin Hench 


58 sex DIARY 
By Laura Leu 


68 HOT MAMAS 
By Elise Nersesian 


76 ALL THE RIGHT MOVES 
Chess hottie Alexandra Kosteniuk. 
Interview by Dave Hollander 


97 GIRL TALK 
“The Best Sex Ever” 
By Rachel Kramer Bussel 


100 DRIVING FORCE 
Menacing Viper. By Jim McCraw 


114. GAME ON 
Service by Linda Giustino 


120 VICES & VANITIES 
By Victoria Zdrok, Ph.D. 


122 TOTAL TRAVEL 
Starry Nights. By Rudy Maxa 


124 chin Music 
Bronson Arroyo 
Interview by Dave Hollander 


130 rivE-CARD STUDS 
They became millionaires by 
the age of 30 playing poker. 
Article by Sharon Chester-Taxin 


144 sTAND-UP GUYS 
Greg Giraldo 
Interview by John Bolster 


146 WHERE THE BOYS 
AREN’T 

Girls’ school sex secrets. Article 
by Ronnie Koenig 


160 SIRENS 


Cristina Scabbia 
By Jon Wiederhorn 


MAY 2006 


8 FORUM 

SO DRINKSMANSHIP 
46 TECHNOMANIA 
56 GROOM AT THE TOP 
70 PENTHOUSE ON THE ROAD 
73 MEN’S HEALTH & FITNESS 
81 DREAMS & DIVERSIONS 
98 FREEWHEELERS 

134 oN THE DESK 

150 MILITARY AFFAIRS 

152 x-RATED VIDEO 


154 RECOVERING FRAT BOY 


6 PENTHOUSE.COM 


By Dave ТТ, 


Most women probably wouldn't mind being 


likened to former tennis beauty Anna Kourni- 
Alexandra kova, but the gorgeous chess grandmaster 
Ronen Alexandra Kosteniuk can do without the com- 
parison. After all, Kournikova failed to win a sin- 
gles WIA title during her career. Kosteniuk, who 
started playing chess at age five, has plenty of 
victories. She is the 2004 European champion, 
the 2005 Russian champion, and the current 
women's vice-champion of the world (sort of like 
being vice-president of the game). Kosteniuk 
was named a woman grandmaster at age 14. 
In 2004, she became the tenth woman in his- 
tory to earn the title of grandmaster (men), 
placing her in chess's upper echelon, with the 
likes of Russian legend Boris Spassky (world 
champion, 1969-72), the troubled U.S. prodigy 
Bobby Fischer (world champ, 1972-75), and 
Garry Kasparov (world champ, 1985-93). 


76 PENTHOUSE.COM 


Med-School 


Underachievers 


Here's a comforting thought: Of all the medical students in the world, 
plenty just barely skated by. One of those underachievers could be the 
dude wielding a stethoscope during your next trip to the doctor. If that's 
not enough of a downer, a new study says that bad students really are 
more likely to be bad doctors. The study followed grads from the University 
of Michigan Medical School in Ann Arbor, Jefferson Medical College of 
Thomas Jefferson University in Philadelphia, and the University of California 
at San Francisco School of Medicine. Students who were described as 
“unprofessional” in med school were eight and a half times more likely to 
face disciplinary action from medical boards later on, researchers found. 
Warning signs included showing up late for rounds and failing to finish 
caring for a patient. On the bright side, only 0.3 percent of doctors are 
disciplined—so even if your doctor sucks, he probably isn't too bad. 


Ups and 
Downs 2 -| 


If you suffer from depression, 
there's good news and bad news. 
First, the bad news: A Swedish 
study found that depression can 
increase your risk for heart disease. 
Overall, patients hospitalized for 
depression were one and a half 
times more likely to develop coro- 
nary heart disease. Patients 25 to 
39 years old were three times more 
likely to develop heart disease. 

The good news is that treating 
depression might give your brain 
an extra boost. According to a 
Johns Hopkins University study, 
selective serotonin reuptake 
inhibitors (SSRIs), such as Paxil, 
Prozac, and Zoloft, beef up the 
part of the brain that controls smell, 
emotion, motivation, and reflexive 
organs, like the heart. Researchers 
say SSRIs may actually rewire the 
brain’s way of thinking and feeling. 


Mystery Bug 


Imagine a bout of food poisoning 
that lasts for weeks, and you've got 
an idea of the joys of Clostridium 
difficile. C. diff (its medical abbre- 
viation) is an easily spread intesti- 
nal bug that can cause fatigue, 
nausea, and diarrhea. It's usually 
cured with a round of antibiotics, 
but occasionally patients develop 
a persistent infection—and some 
must have their colons removed to 
stop the diarrhea. A handful of pa- 
tients around the country have 
died from the infection. 

Now the bug may be getting 
stronger. Initially, it affected hos- 
pitalized patients, usually the el- 
derly who were already taking an- 
tibiotics for other illnesses. But re- 
cent cases have hit people who 
were never in the hospital, and the 
infection is becoming harder to 
treat. Doctors worry that overuse 
of antibiotics may be the problem. 
The drugs kill the weaker bacteria, 
leaving only the strongest to sur- 
vive. The result is a superbug that's 
resistant to the usual antibiotic 
treatment. What can doctors do to 
keep superbugs down”? Accord- 
ing to J. Thomas Lamont of Har- 
vard Medical School, "If we reduce 
the number and amount of antibi- 
otics given for trivial infections like 
colds and stuffy noses, we'd all be 
a lot better off.” 


bacterial 
infection 
has been 
sweeping 
the country, 
causing 
debilitating 


nausea and 
diarrhea. 
Doctors say 
overuse of 
antibiotics 
may be to 
blame. 


wu 
Hangover 
Hoax = 


Before you go shot for shot at 

the bar, keep this sobering study 
in mind: That miracle hangover 
cure isn't going to help you in the 
morning. According to a report 
from British researchers, drugs 
and herbal medicines that claim to 
prevent hangovers don' actually 
do much of anything. Researchers 
tested eight different hangover 
helpers, including nausea drugs 
and dietary supplements, and 
nearly all of them failed to alleviate 
symptoms. So whats the best way 
to get rid of a hangover? Don't get 
one in the first place. Dehydration 
Is a major cause, so guzzle plenty 
of water along with your alcohol. 
opace out your drinks to give your 
enzymes a chance to process the 
booze, and drink out of highball 
glasses—you'll trick yourself into 
pouring less liquor. 


15 


a 
El 


The Cancer Buster 
in Your Fridge 


Pop quiz: What's the point of vitamin D? No idea? That's 
because its the fullback of vitamins—it plays a key role, 
but gets no glory. Vitamin D helps you absorb calcium, 
which in turn gets all the credit for strengthening your 
bones and teeth. But now vitamin D has some legit 
benefits of its own. According to areportinthe American 
Journal of Public Health, vitamin D might help prevent 
several types of cancer, including colon cancer. When 
its not letting calcium ride on its coattails, vitamin D 
actually helps to regulate cell growth and determine 
whether a cell is going to be healthy or cancerous. 

Since sunlight boosts vitamin-D absorption, this 
sheds more light—get it?—on the recent finding that 
sun exposure can actually help prevent some cancers. 
Of course, baking in the sun has its risks, so a better 
way to get your daily allowance of D (about 400 IUs) is 
from supplements or food, including yogurt, cheese, 
eggs, orange juice, fish, and milk. 


GET YOUR D 


What do you have to eat to get your daily dose? 


Here’s how the sources stack up. 


Salmon has 
90 percent 
of your 
daily allow- 
ance of 
vitamin D, 
which helps 
regulate 
cell growth 
and may 
prevent 
certain 
types of 
cancer. 


The Food Serving Size % RDA wA 7 
e Salmon 30 oz. 90% 

e Tuna (cannea, in oil) 3o _ 50% | 

e Milk (whole or skim) {cup 256 

e OJ (vitamin D-fortified) 1 cup 250 

e Pudding (prepared with milk) Yecup - 10% 

e Egg 1 whole egg. 676 . 

e Swiss cheese Oz 4% _ 


Get Happy, 
Get Rich 


Repeat after us: Its a joy to be 
alive! Okay, now sit back and wait 
for it to start raining nickels. Did it 
work? No? Hmm. Well, don't blame 
us for trying. According to a review 
in Psychological Bulletin, happy 
people have more success in life. 
Whereas the common belief is 

that money brings happiness, new 
research suggests that happiness 
may create wealth. Happy people 
tend to be more energetic and 
sociable, which can improve 

their prospects in everything 

from romance to job interviews. 
And one study found that happy 
college freshmen were making 
more money than their gloomy 
counterparts 16 years down 

the road. So find something to 
smile about—and you might 

wind up with a fat bank account 

to smile about, too. 


Save Your Sight 


Don’t Inhale 


Veggies really can save your vision. Findings in 

the Journal of the American Medical Association 
reveal that antioxidants like beta carotene, zinc, 

and vitamins C and E can lower your risk for macular 
degeneration, a progressive condition that attacks 
eyesight when you get older. It usually wont cause 
total blindness, but it can leave you with only your 
peripheral vision intact.But people who consumed 
higher levels of all four nutrients had a 35 percent 
drop in their risk. Need to up your vitamin intake? Add 
E by eating whole grains and eggs; for beta caro- 
tene, snack on carrots and spinach; get vitamin C 
from citrus fruits, broccoli, and green peppers; and go 
for meat and fish to get more zinc. When you can still 
see the TV in a few decades, you'll be glad you did. 


The next time you're stuck behind an 18-wheeler in 
traffic, you might want to change lanes. According 
to a University of Edinburgh study, fumes from trucks 
and other diesel vehicles can narrow your arteries 
and raise your risk of a blood clot. (If you indulge in a 
high-fat diet, you're even more screwed.) Researchers 
exposed healthy young men to diesel exhaust fumes, 
then injected them with vasodilators to expand their 
arteries. After breathing in polluted air, response to the 
vasodilators dropped, and levels of a clot-preventing 
enzyme were reduced. In response to the study, the 
EPA is sponsoring a program to add particle traps 
to diesel engines. Experts note that more studies are 
needed to determine whether or not diesel combustion 
is directly responsible for the vascular troubles. 


74 PENTHOUSE.COM 


Illustration by Chris Hiers 


-NSHEALTHANDEITNESS 


By Kara Wahlgren 


7/1 


е а 
f 4% 


NUTRITION 


PARI Y TIME 


Memorial Day kicks off a summer full of 6. Fill half your plate with vegetables, and | The summer 
picnics, festivals, and other fun excuses pass up anything that doesnt fit on the | party season 
to stuff your face with hot dogs and beer. other half. has officially 
Before you don your party hat, here are ten 7. Can't resist the four-cheese dip? Skip begun. Here's 
ways to keep the extra weight off. the nachos or bagel chips, and enjoy it | how to 
Fill up on healthy snacks before you go. with raw veggies instead. survive the 
That way, you wont be starving when 8. Eat the filling out of an apple pie, but barbecues, 
you encounter the taco dip. leave the crust. ball games, 
2. Drink a glass of water before you start 9. Dont just man your lawn chair with and beach 
snacking. It'll help you feel fuller. a beer in hand. Look for a game of weekends 
3. Dont jockey for the best parking spot. volleyball or softball —and jump in. without your 
Park a block or two away, and you'll get | 10. Do damage control the next day: gut spilling 
some exercise coming and going. Cleaning up after a party burns 367 over your 
4. Dont mingle by the refreshments table. calories per hour for a 180-pound man. | board shorts. 
Hang by the pool or the beer-pong Or, better still, mow your lawn to burn 
table. (You can bet the hottest girls at 388 calories per hour—and offer to cut 
the party will not be the ones hoarding your neighbors' grass, too. You'll get 
the bowl of Doritos.) three times the workout, and they'll be 
5. Grab a smaller plate when you hit the less likely to call the cops on your next 
buffet, and you'll eat less. shindig. 


HEALTH NEWS 


The FDA is proposing lower lead levels in candy, which begs the question: There's lead in 
candy? Well, the previous guideline was 0.5 parts per million. The new guidelines would slash 
that to O.1 part per million. Neither exactly qualifies as a lead lollipop. Most candies already 
adhere to the new guidelines, but some sweets imported from Mexico, like tamarind lollipops 
and Chaca Chaca, might have higher levels, thanks to traces of lead in salt and chili powder. 
So, why would the FDA allow any lead at all? Sugar also contains trace amounts of lead. Yum. 


73 


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The Ultimate Source for Hot Spots and Cool Bargains 


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thumbnail guide to hot spots where your 
chances of sunning with Bruce Willis or Julia 
Roberts are better than average. Even if you 
don't catch a star, these resorts and hotels 
still rank as wonderful vacation spots: 


В Parrot Cay, Turks and Caicos. lake 
a one-hour commercial flight from Miami, then 
sail 45 minutes on a private boat to this 60-room 
resort on a 1,000-acre private island. Bruce 
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| m | AN ' | villa, which is available for about $3,000 a day 
~< ] when he's not there. Double rooms start at $465, 
| including breakfast and airport transfer. Summer 
| Glance deals run $390. ParrotCay.com 
over your : В Beverly Hills Hotel, Hotel Bel-Air, Four 
shoulder ... 15 that Seasons Hotel Los Angeles, the Peninsula 
Julia Roberts? Beverly Hills, and the Regent Beverly 
Wilshire. These five hotels in L.A. are favorite 
venues for television networks and movie 
studios hosting press junkets to promote new 
shows and flicks. That means stars stay there 
during their obligatory days of promotional 
interviews. Count on nightly rates of $350 or 
more. BeverlyHillsHotel.com, HotelBelAir.com, 
FourSeasons.com/LosAngeles, BeverlyHills 
.Peninsula.com, and RegentHotels.com 


В San Ysidro Ranch, Montecito, California. 
Tucked into the countryside next to Santa 
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has hosted the honeymoons of Julia Roberts and 
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and John and Jackie Kennedy. A private gate 
ensures seclusion. Rates begin at $540 a day, _ 
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В Hotel du Cap Eden Roc, Cap d’Antibes, 
France. [his is the mother of all star-studded 
hotels, perfectly located on the tip of a cape 
along the French Riviera. The hotel is closed from 
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since the guest list during open season includes 
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122 PENTHOUSE.COM 


By Victoria Zdrok, Ph.D. 


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plenty of products out there that 
promise to light your fire. These 
may not always work as touted, 
but you're bound to have fun 
trying them! 


Zestra: This liquid mixture 

of natural ingredients has been 
proven to intensify the male 
orgasm when applied to the 
glans of the penis. lt can also 
be massaged onto her genitals 
to increase blood flow and 
sensitivity. $21.99. Zestra 
ForWomen.com 


Clavo huasca: This extract of 
clove vine is found in the 
rainforest. It's supposed to 
increase both of your libidos and 
encourage a soothing slumber. 
$19.95. Rain-Tree.com 


Scentuelle: This scented patch, 
worn on her wrist, promises to 
flood her with feelings of ex- 
citement and passion. Women 
who wear the patch can sniff it 
every hour to boost desire. $35.35. 
Scentuelle.com 


SEX DEVICE OF THE MONTH 


Immortalize Your Penis 


ON MY SHOPPING LIST E 


study revealed 
that men 

who stared at 
women's bare 
breasts ten 
minutes per 
day had lower 
blood pres- 
sure and pulse 
rate, and less 
incidence of 
heart disease, 
than the con- 
trol group who 
did not get a 
daily dose of 
the healing eye 
candy. That 
should make 
your Penthouse 
subscription 
deductible 

as a medical 
expense! 


HOW TO ... 


Break Up With Her 


1. Have your best friend feign 
romantic interest in her. Then 
you can throw a jealous fit and 
announce that it's over. 


2. Spend all day downloading 
porn off the Internet. Leave 
some literature from Sexaholics 
Anonymous (SA.org) where she's 
sure to find it. 


3. Suddenly take up drinking 
heavily, cigar smoking, and 
eating red meat. Then say you 
cant go on pretending to be 
someone you're not. With luck, 
you get to enjoy the drinks, 
cigars, and steaks while she 
packs her bags. 


4. When she calls, change your 
voice and tell her you're really 
your evil twin who she hasn't 
met. Describe the twisted sex 
acts you intend to perform on 
her bound, naked body. 


5. Let her catch you trying on her 
panties. If that doesn't work, try 
on her lipstick and wear her bra. 


6. If No. 5 doesn't send her 
running for the hills, confess 


What: For the guy who wants to give 
his girl a “gift that keeps on giving, 
there's the Clone-A-Willy kit. With this, 
or a similar one from Create-A-Mate, 
you can make a mold of your penis. 
Insert a vibrator into the replica ... and 
voilà! Your cock rocks! For those who 
have night-vision problems, Clone-A- 
Willy also sells Glow-Powder to add to 
your Liquid Rubber mixture mold, so 
your dildo glows in the dark. 

Why: When you've got to travel, do 
you want your girl popping in a porno 
and dreaming about someone else's 
12 inches? Or do you prefer that she 
reaches for a perfect match to your 


johnson? Hand her the clone and a 
tube of lube! 

Drawback: To get a good mold, you 
must hold an erection for at least five 
minutes, with your cock immersed in 
the gooey, messy stuff. Sound like a 


challenge? Just open my Pet of the Year 


issue. 

Bonus: If you're between girlfriends, 
you can always mount the clone on a 
pedestal and display it in your trophy 


case. Nothing like having a conversation 
starter for when you bring a date home 


for a little nightcap! 
Where: CloneAWilly.com or 
CreateAMate.com. 


that you have always felt like a 
woman trapped in a man's body. 
Ask her if she would still love 
and support you after your sex- 
change operation. 


7. Say your therapist diagnosed 
you with an incurable case of 
commitment-phobia. Ask if she 
wouldn't mind sharing you with 
the dozen other women you 
intend to date. 


8. Call her and confess that you've 
contracted a rare and incurable 
communicable disease—and 
now it's airborne! She'll run out 
to get herself tested, and rest 
assured, she won't be back. 


9. Announce that you joined 

a cult that requires eternal 
celibacy. Bless her and say she's 
now your spiritual sister. Your 
real blessing will come when she 
disappears from your life. 


10. If all else fails, tell her you're 
gay. However, if she says, “l 
knew it all along," you may want 
to revisit your wardrobe and 
stop watching Queer Eye for the 
Straight Guy. 


VI 


v. 


Sex from Z to A 


GETTING 

TO ME! 

If you have a 
question, 

a story, a sex 
toy for me, 

or just a (nice) 
comment, 
please visit 


or send snail 
mail to Dr. 
Victoria Zdrok, 
Penthouse, 

2 Penn Plaza, 
Suite 1125, 
New York, N.Y. 
10121. 


Find Her Pleasure Pulse 


Either my girlfriend doesnt have 
a G spot, or it's not responsive 
to stimulation. Is it possible I just 
cant find it? What am I doing 
wrong ?—E.L., Texas 


Alas, Dr. Z does not pay house 
calls, so | can't show you 
personally! However, try these 
techniques: Her G spot will be 
easier to find after plenty of 
foreplay because it swells as her 
arousal increases. Once she's 
revved up, have her lie on her 
back with her legs spread and 
her knees bent. Make sure your 
fingernails are trimmed, and 
have water-based lube on hand. 
With your palm facing upward, 
gently slide your index and 
middle fingers into her vagina, 
making a slow "come hither" 
motion against the front part of 
her upper vaginal wall. The G 
spot will feel like a small patch of 


bumpy tissue. You'll know you've 
gone up too far if you reach her 
cervix, which is smooth and firm. 
You've hit the bull's-eye if the 
area you're stroking arouses her. 
Massage in a rhythmic motion, 
applying varying amounts of 
pressure. Switch to a flickering 
move, or trace a circle. Don't 

be surprised if she feels like 

she has to pee—the feeling 
usually subsides. With further 
stimulation, it could result in an 
off-the-charts O. Once you've 
mastered her inner hot spot, opt 
for such positions as doggie- 
style or modified missionary (with 
a pillow under her butt). These 
positions put your penis in direct 
contact with her G spot. Finally, 
don't worry if G-spot love isn't her 
cup of tea. Exploring each other's 
bodies without pressure to make 


ASK DOC ZDROK 


VANITIES 


her orgasm will free you up to 
discover new turn-ons together. 


The Dating Game 


Im very reserved and shy, and 
haven't been successful at the 
dating game. Recently, | went 
online for dating advice, which 
got me depressed. Basically, it 
seems like guys are supposed to 
be jerks to get women. So whats 
a nice guy like me supposed 

to do? Learn stupid jokes and 
pickup lines? Or should | become 
an arrogant asshole in order to 
get laid?—M.O., New York 


Dont try to be someone you're 
not. Arrogance is one of the 
least attractive characteristics in 
people, and is usually perceived 
by women as overcompensation 
for insecurity. The only women 
who fall for the lines that "dating 
experts" advise are those with 
low self-esteem. They aren't the 
ones you want to date—unless 
you're a sadist or have infinite 


patience for self-deprecating 
females. Most women prefer 
men who are comfortable in their 
own skin, have a strong sense 
of themselves, and project a 
quiet aura of self-assurance 
and class. They like men who 
are never cocky, but instead 
remain approachable and down- 
to-earth, even after the woman 
admits her interest in them. But 
keep in mind that women often 
get turned off by desperate, 
clingy, or overbearing guys. So 
approach a woman believing 
you're a worthy match and 
that she's lucky to have caught 
your eye. There may be a good 
chance she'll reach that same 
conclusion. 

How do you project self- 
confidence? One simple 
approach is to sit down 一 either 


alone or with your best pals—and 
make a list of your strengths and 
weaknesses. And be honest with 
yourself! Making small strides 

to decrease your weaknesses 
can reap huge rewards. You 

can project your confidence 

by: smiling in a sexy, inviting 
way; engaging her in interesting 
conversation; listening closely 

to her; and maintaining good 
eye contact. Know what your 
best qualities are and make the 
most of them in social settings. 
Eventually, you'll develop an 
attitude thats appealing to 
women. 


The Sex Workout 


My girlfriend practices Kegel 
exercises every day, and it's done 
wonders for our sex life. Lately, 
shes been encouraging me to 
exercise my pelvic muscles, 
claiming it'll further improve our 
sex life—but I'm skeptical. Does 
it really work for guys?—N.A., 
Pennsylvania 


Your girlfriend is right! Like 
women, men can also benefit 
from exercising their pelvic 
muscles to gain greater control 
over their erections and to delay 
ejaculation. Here's the real deal: 
oimply flex the muscles you 

use to stop and start the flow of 
urine. By the way, these are the 
same ones you'd use to hold 
back an oncoming orgasm. 
Repeat this a few times every 
day to feel the effects. Or, during 
intercourse, try a technique 
called “peaking”: When you feel 
yourself on the brink of orgasm, 
squeeze your pelvic muscles to 
delay ejaculation. Practicing this 
method on a regular basis will 
not only help you stave off your 
orgasm, letting you last longer in 
the sack, but it will also result in a 
more intense release. 


120 PENTHOUSE.COM 


GAME ROOM 
Green Bay Packers dartboard. 
$150. SportsFanfare.com 


Denver Broncos Eliminator cue 
stick. $75. SportsSection.com 


St. Louis Rams tank and panty. 
$17. FansEdge.com 
Washington Redskins Country \ 


sign. $45. SportsSection.com N 


Barry Bonds San Francisco м 


pt. 
| RAIDERS | 
* 4 


a 
Giants plaque..$72. | 7 . 
oportsFanOutlet.com | 1 | 9)! EY 1 
1942 New Orleans Pelicans ~~ E > کے‎ e 
baseball cap. $34. Ebbets.com — 
Oakland Raiders freezer mug. т 
$13. SportsSectiomeom ч 
Cleveland Browns coaster set. p | 
$15. SportsSection.com | | 


NFL billiard ball set (two teams), 
Patriots versus Eagles. $200. 
SportsSection.com 


118 PENTHOUSE.COM 


THROWBACK 
THROWDOWN 
New Orleans Saints retro 
shirt. $52. DistantReplays.com 


Houston Astros tee by 
Moonlight Graham, inspired 
by the team's 1980s uniform. 
$22. DistantReplays.com 


New York Yankees replica 
authentic home jersey. $80. 
SportsSection.com 


USC Marcus Allen Rose 
Bowl jersey. $80. 
DistantReplays.com 


POSTGAME 
St. Louis Cardinals black 
leather tri-fold wallet. $25. 
SportsFanfare.com 


Boston Red Sox hip flask. $25. 
SportsFanfare.com 


NASCAR Dale Earnhardt Jr. 
checkbook cover. $30. Sports 
Section.com 


Detroit Red Wings elite watch 
with bracelet band. $90. Sports 
FanOutlet.com 


Los Angeles Dodgers 
chrome Zippo lighter. $28. 
SportsFanfare.com 


New York Yankees cuff links. 
$45. SportsFanfare.com 


New England Patriots 
14-karat-gold charm. $50. 
SportsFanOutlet.com 


SIDELINES 
Denver Broncos golf balls. 
$30. SportsFanfare.com 


ALET 


Boston Red Sox fuzzy dice. 
$13. SportsSection.com 


y 
i І 
ih Y 


— 


New England Patriots 
wastepaper basket. $25. 
SportsSection.com 


ма... 


— 


Cleveland Browns stainless- 
steel travel mug. $20. 
SportsSection.com 


51010 


Denver Broncos team 
logo playing cards. $8. 
SportsSection.com 


San Francisco 49ers salt- 
and-pepper shaker set. $15. 
SportsSection.com 


E HATS OFF 
Wisconsin Badgers. $17. SportsFanOutlet.com * New England Patriots. $25. SportsSection.com + Pittsburgh Steelers. $18. 
SportsFanOutlet.com + Los Angeles Lakers. $20. SportsSection.com + Miami Dolphins. $25. SportsSection.com • 1949 
Muskegon Blue Lassies. $25. DistantReplays.com » Boston Red Sox. $20. SportsSection.com + 1978 Milwaukee Brewers. 
$28. DistantReplays.com + 1975 Philadelphia Phillies. $28. DistantReplays.com + N.Y. Yankees. $25. SportsFanOutlet.com 


GAMEON 


KICKIN’ IT AT HOME 
Chicago Blackhawks 
team beanbag chair. $55. 
SportsSection.com 


St. Louis Rams NFL Riddell 
replica full-size helmet. $88. 
SportsFanQuilet.com 


Green Bay Packers team crew 
socks. $10. SportsSection.com 


New York Jets flannel pants. 
$25. SportsSection.com 


Colorado Avalanche 
home replica jersey. $70. 
SportsFanOutlet.com 


Dale Earnhardt Sr. throw 
blanket. $30. Sports 
FanOutlet.com 


Philadelphia Eagles beach 
towel. $25. SportsSection.com 


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ALL PROPERTIES OF THIS ADVERTISEMENT ARE OWNED EXCLUSIVELY BY INDIGO-RED DENIM, COPYRIGHT 2006. 


PENTHOUSE 


THE INTERNATIONAL MAGAZINE FOR MEN 
U.S. EDITION 


DIANE M. SILBERSTEIN 
President and Publisher, Magazine Group 


EDITORIAL 


Vice President, Editorial: 
Managing Editor: 

Deputy Managing Editor: 
Music/Video-Game Editor: 
Sports Editor: 

Senior Editors: 

Staff Writer: 

Copy Editor: 

Assistant Editor: 
Contributing Editors: 


Peter Bloch 

Barbara Rice Thompson 

Sarah Nelson 

Rebecca Swanner 

John Bolster 

Deirdre M. Goldbeck, Jonathan Stern 

Elise Nersesian 

Abigail Aronofsky 

Heather Franks 

Rachel Kramer Bussel, Eric Danville, Bobbi Dempsey, 
Linda Giustino, Bill Heald (motorcycles), Dave 
Hollander, Jim McCraw (autos), Ken Sander, Ernest 
Volkman, Alyson S. Zamkoff, Dr. Victoria Zdrok 


ART 


Vice President, Art/Graphics Director: 
Senior Art Director: 

Associate Art Director: 

Assistant Art Director: 

Designer: 

Associate Photo Editor: 

Art Rights Manager: 

Photo Librarian: 

Assistant Photo Librarian: 


Frank DeVino 
Michael F. Di loia 
John Faraci 
Courtney Eltringham 
Anthony R. Scerri 
Toby Kaufmann 
Maria Rothenberg 
Evelyn Butler 
Norma Delgado 


CIRCULATION 


Vice President, Director of Circulation: 
Director, Newsstand Sales: 

Traffic Director: 

Director, Subscriptions: 

Director, Subscription Marketing: 
Customer Service Manager/Analyst: 


Joe M. Gallo 
Paul G. Pearson 
Bill Harbutt 
Lori Ramos 
Vincent Dema 
Morgan Everett 


a ADVERTISING AND MARKETING . |. | |. / | |. 


Vice President, Marketing: 

Senior Advertising Director: 
Advertising Director: 
Promotions Manager: 

Public Relations Manager: 
Advertising Production Manager: 


Tricia Austin 

Rich McEntee 
Andrew Leighton 
Lainie Speiser 
Kathleen Berzon 
Vanessa Johnson 


ENTERTAINMENT/LICENSING 


President, Entertainment: 
President, Licensing: 

Director of Licensing: 

Director, International Division: 
Director, Model Recruitment: 


James L. English 
Mark L. Rudolph 
Rick Holtman 
George Rojas 
Stacy Valentine 


INTERNET 


Director of Internet Operations: 


Michael McNicholas 


CORPORATE 


Chief Operating Officer: 

Vice President, General Counsel: 
Controller: 

Accounting Manager: 


J. M. Sullivan 
Joshua R. Bressler 
Frank Matasavage 
Anthony Maniscalco 


PRODUCTION 

Vice President, Manufacturing & Production: Michael Tang 

Production Manager: Maria Kelleher 
Associate Production Manager: Gil Velez 
Senior Photo Retoucher: Jeremy Newman 

Editorial Scanning Supervisor: Jeff Anderson 
Type Systems Supervisor: Mario lannotta 

Type Systems Associate: Pattie Kleinke 

INTERNATIONAL EDITIONS 


For information, please visit www.pmgi.com/publishing 


EDITORIAL AND ADVERTISING OFFICES 

New York: 2 Penn Plaza, Eleventh Floor, Suite 1125 
New York, NY. 10121 

Tel: 212-702-6000 + Fax: 212-702-6262 
Advertising inquiries: AdSales@penthouse.com 


ENTERTAINMENT/LICENSING OFFICE 
Los Angeles, Calif. 
323-441-7500 


TO ORDER A SUBSCRIPTION: For one 
year (12 issues), please send a U.S.-drawn 
bank check or money order for $32 ($56 
for foreign residents) to Penthouse, P.O. 
Box 420235, Palm Coast FL 32142-0235. 
To order by credit card, call 800-289-7368 
from the U.S. From Canada or elsewhere in 
the world, call 386-447-6361 (ask for cus- 
tomer service) between 8 A.M. and midnight 
Eastern Standard Time, Monday through 
Friday, or from 9 A.M. to 7 р.м. on weekends. 
Closed holidays. 


TO SOLVE A SUBSCRIPTION PROB- 
LEM: Write to Penthouse, P.O. Box 420235, 
Palm Coast FL 32142-0235, or call 800- 
289-7368 from the U.S. or 386-447-6361 
(ask for customer service) from outside 
the U.S. Hours are 8 A.M. to midnight week- 
days, 9 A.M. to 7 р.м. weekends (Eastern 
Standard Time). Closed holidays. You may 
also e-mail us at Penthouse.com by click- 
ing on the customer-service link. Editorial 
and advertising offices cannot resolve 
subscription problems. 


TO CHANGE YOUR ADDRESS: We 
require eight weeks” advance notice of 
change of address (to Penthouse, P.O. Box 
420235, Palm Coast FL 32142-0235) to 
ensure that delivery will not be interrupted. 
Be sure to include your old as well as your 
new address and zip code. 


TO RENEW A SUBSCRIPTION: We must 
receive renewal payment two months 
before the expiration of your current sub- 
scription to ensure that you will not miss 
an issue. Renewal notices are first sent 
several months before subscriptions are 
due to expire. If you renew before your 
current subscription expires, the full term 
of that renewal will be added to your cur- 
rent subscription. 


IF YOU PAID FOR A SUBSCRIPTION BUT 
ARE STILL GETTING BILLED: If you have 
paid a subscription bill and get another bill 
within four weeks, ignore the new bill. If you 
have paid a subscription bill more than four 
weeks before getting another bill, send 
proof of payment along with your bill to 
Penthouse, P.O. Box 420235, Palm Coast 
FL 32142-0235. 


BACK ISSUES: To inquire about the avail- 
ability and price of back issues, see our 
Website, or call 888-312-BACK. You must 
specify the issue precisely (e.g., Feb. 
1996); we cannot accurately locate back 
issues based only on such identification as 
a story title, a storys subject matter, or the 
picture on the cover. 


ARTICLE REPRINTS: To order reprints of 
articles, obtain permission to photocopy, or 
receive a copy of a past article, call 212- 
/02-6000, extension 6505. Unauthorized 
reproduction of any portion of Penthouse 
text constitutes copyright infringement. 


To e-mail Penthouse editors: 
penthouse.editors@penthouse.com 


10 PENTHOUSE.COM 


Service by Linda Giustino » Photographs by Nicholas Eveleigh 


Game 


What's more important than sports? Yes, we know— 
sex. But can't that wait until after the 

big game? This hot gear will let you sweat in style— 
and look hot for the ladies. (You can have 

it all!) You don't have to look like a pile of dirty 
laundry, even if you're wearing one. 


114 PENTHOUSE.COM 


From beer cozies to barbecue sets 
to salt-and-pepper shakers, 

we've got your pregame covered. 

In case of rain, bring an umbrella 
and poncho. When the puck drops 
or after kickoff, lounge on a beanbag 
and throw on a cool throwback 
jersey. And after the final whistle 
blows, you and your buddies can 
retire to your game room for a round 
of darts or pool. 

You'll find equipment or souvenirs 
for every sporting occasion as 
America's top outfitters step up to 
the plate and deliver a grand slam 
of sports-themed goods—some 
modern, some retro, and all 
available online. 


"n EN 


一 
P. < 
` 
-— - 
» 


g ue - 
ud 


E GAME DAY 
New York Yankees adjustable wool 
game cap. $20. SportsSection.com 


Notre Dame bottle jersey. $6. 
SportsFanfare.com 


Chicago White Sox long-sleeve 
T-shirt. $25. SportsSection.com 


St. Louis Cardinals 42-inch folding 
umbrella. $23. SportsSection.com 


LSU Tigers football jersey. $50. 
FansEdge.com 


New York Mets wet-weather poncho. 
$15. SportsSection.com 


Texas Longhorns barbecue set. $70. 
SportsFanfare.com 


Е 


A. г - کی‎ M SO 
一 PRA a x 
А ^ sa еф. Y „4 Lo J Y : с e 
NA 44 i A MAN +] “wy ^ i 
ЕА E - . = Ы - Fin z . - y 只 : e B 5. 


“Streaking at the U.S. Open was certainly the 
most daring thing l've ever done,” Brittney laughs. She told the 
media at the time, "| thought it would 
be a great way to get exposure." She was right! 
Check out Brittney's full exposure at Penthouse.com/brittney. 


A 


110 PENTHOUSE.COM 


t 


"During my photo shoot, | really made love to the camera,” the 
curvy 28-year-old California girl reveals. "The best 
part about modeling? Being sexy! The best part about modeling for Penthouse? 
Getting wet! I'm always in the mood for that.” 


107 


"When I’m 
ready for 
action with a 
guy, I'll get 
him alone and 
say, Wanna 
ave sex?’ 
The Il tell 
Aim—and 
show him— 
how | like it.” 


106 PENTHOUSE.COM 


En. 


Or 
We're looking for the hottest girls in America. 
Go to PenthouseModels.com 
> 


x 
» 
Y 


Brittney Skye teased millions of 
viewers by streaking at the U.S. Open. She's not 
teasing any longer. 


Photographs by Ken Marcus 


We admired and appreciated the 
consistently excellent performance 
of the huge 14-inch Brembo ABS 
brakes. Combined with the giant 
tire footprints, the brakes pull the 
3,450-pound Viper down from speed 
as if it were a 150-pound go-kart. 

The steering feels like it has been 
calmed down a bit. It doesnt hunt 
around like the original Viper did, | 
but it's neither dull nor slow, with a 
very hefty weight and solid on-cen- 
ter feel in the fat, molded steering 
wheel. 

Chrysler's Streetand Racing Tech- | 
nology (SRT) group has engineered a front-to-rear 
weight balance of 49.4 percent front, 50.6 percent 
rear, which is about as close to 50/50 as you can get. 
That makes it turn in very forcefully. The suspension 
is near race-quality in the way it keeps the body per- 
pendicular to the road, but it wont rattle your brain 
until the road surface gets really bad. 

In addition to performance, you get exclusivity 
when you buy a Viper. Its hand-built to order in De- 
troit, and there are only about 15,000 Vipers extant. 

This Viper is quicker, faster, and more civilized than 
that of the previous generation, and its among the 
fastest production cars in the world. It is stiffer than 


the convertible, which improves steering, stability, 


and handling. The new incarnation is even more 
powerful, with more torque than the original V-10. 

The lightweight plastic body has more built-in 
downforce for high-speed handling. lt is huge fun to 
drive approaching the limit, kind of nose-heavy neu- 
tral—then you really have to be very careful. 

In terms of comfort, we'd be happy to drive this 
one from Tijuana to Tuxtla Gutierrez—unlike the first 
Viper Roadster, which we wouldn't have driven to 
the corner store. The Viper Coupe will sell at Dodge 
dealerships for about $83,000; the Roadster, for 
about $81 ,000.0+-§ 


103 


DRIVINGFORCE 


102 PENTHOUSE.COM 


from 1,500 up to 5,600 revolu- 
tions per minute, there's power 
everywhere, all day long. Said 
power is delivered to the pave- 
ment through a Dana Hydra-Lok, 
speed-sensing, limited-slip dif- 
ferential. 

The new Coupe is about twice 
as stiff as the convertible ver- 
sion, much quieter at high road 
speeds, and generally more civi- 
lized than any previous Viper. 
But the 3,450-pound Coupe of- 
fers the purest kind of accelera- 
= tion and stopping performance: 
0.9g on the skidpad, zero to 60 mph in 3.9 seconds, 
60 to zero mph braking in less than 100 feet, and 
zero to 100 mph and back to zero in the low 12-sec- 
ond range. Think about that one for a minute. 

The luscious body, with its double-bubble roof, 
dramatic rear styling, and wrap-around-and-tuck-in 
taillamps, is unmistakable. From an aerodynamic 
standpoint, the stiffer, stronger Viper Coupe body 
also has more downforce and high-speed stability, 
with its fast-sloping roofline and tall decklid spoiler. 

It takes enormous braking power to stop а car go- 
ing 190 mph. The Viper covers that with Italian Brem- 
bo dual-piston calipers in the front and rear, gripping 
enormous 14-inch rotors. The new Coupe also fea- 
tures antilock brakes, but does not have traction con- 
trol as we know it. Instead, it uses the variable-lock- 
ing differential in the rear axle to lay down the power. 

The Vipers intense handling and solid ride come 
from aluminum four-wheel independent suspension 
and lightweight coil-over shock absorbers. It rides on 
forged aluminum wheels, 18- by 10-inchers at the 
front, and 19- by 13-inchers at the rear. The tires are 
Z-rated Michelin run-flats: P275/35 ZR18 front, and 
P345/30 ZR19 rear. 

The interior features black and brushed-metal dé- 
cor, twin bucket seats with hefty bolsters, power-ad- 
justable pedals, an AM/FM/CD radio with internal six- 
disc changer, a 310-watt amp, and seven speak- 
ers—as if you could find better music than what 
comes out of the side exhausts. 

This Viper Coupe is super-quick. Its got massive 
amounts of torque from 1,000 to 6,000 rpm, and then 
you just shift up a gear and try it again. The engine 
pulls hard from almost any rpm in any gear, and will 
drive away in sixth from 1,500 rpm. 

Throttle modulation is very good. The clutch pedal 
is light, with a short pedal travel. The six-speed man- 
ual needs a strong, precise hand for maximum driv- 
ing rewards. 

Key to the Vipers performance are those monster 
tires. Michelin has always been the exclusive Viper 
tire supplier. It continues to upgrade the tires’ wet- 
and dry-handling capabilities and torque-handling 
capacity with each succeeding generation. 


By Jim McCraw 


~. S ¬ 


Е 


101 


DEVNGFORCE 


Your Fast Track to Speed and Style 


кыре 
100 PENTHOUSE.COM 


By Bill Heald 


erate's founder, CEO, and chair- 
man of the design committee. 
“This means we leave everything 
open, minimal, and pure. We like 
to showcase the craftsmanship. lt 
costs a little bit more to do, be- 
cause youre not covering every- 
thing with fairings and bodywork.” 
Confederate Motorcycles start- 
ed in 1991, migrated from San 
Francisco to Louisiana in 1994, 
and set up its headquarters and 
production facility in New Orleans 
in 2002. Wiped out last year by 
Hurricane Katrina, Confederate is 
now setting up shop in Birming- 


ham, Alabama. The fact that its 
new headquarters are near the 
Barber Vintage Motorsports Mu- 
seum is no accident. 

“One of the reasons we moved 
to Birmingham was to be in prox- 
imity to the best motorcycle col- 
lection on the planet,” Chambers 
admits. “You see amazing design 
in these motorcycles, especially 
the pre-1916 bikes, when guys 
were in their really free-form 
stage. Unlike our Hellcat model, 
which is based more in the thir- 
ties, the Wraith design is really 
reflective of the machines of the 


early 1900s, like the Pierce, Cy- 
clone, Flying Merkel, and the 
board-track racers of the period.” 

The 2006 Wraith will be avail- 
able early this summer. The en- 
gine is a 100-cubic-inch, air- 
cooled V-twin generating more 
than 120 horsepower for the 
unique 410-pound chassis. The 
MSRP is $55,000. 

"What we're working on here is 
very strong, confident American 
design," Chambers says. "We 
believe strongly in integrating di- 
versity in form and multiple influ- 
ences, all at once, with comfort 
and ease. And we're doing this in 
a way that celebrates the people 
who actually build the motorcycle 
by showing off what they do. 

"We use incredibly tight cutlines 
and a design that showcases how 
tight our tolerances can be," he 
continues. “I'm not talking about 
beautiful paint and chrome. I'm 
talking about making the guts of 
the product with the same skill 
and quality you find with the finest 
owiss watches." 504-561-9122, or 
Confederate.comOT—g 


99 


Handling the Hottest Handlebars 


alıst 
cle 


Radical 

yet basic, 
Confederate 
Motorcycles’ 
latest offering 
blends board- 
track racer 
simplicity 
with a dose of 
modern 
mayhem. 


Motorcycles are comparatively 
simple machines, yet few man- 
made objects provide a broader 
canvas for creative minds to ex- 
hibit their design prowess. Ever 
since the first crude engine was 
bolted to a bicycle frame, artisans 
have played with every aspect of 
the motorcycle to enhance func- 
tion while creating a stylistically 
unique and evocative model. 

Confederate Motorcycle Com- 
pany is a small concern that em- 
braces the creative spirit, and 
rails against today's "me, too” 
school of custom chopper design. 
Its latest creation is the Wraith, a 
startling machine that draws from 
many past design elements, but 
blazes a distinct new trail. 

From its elegant aircraft-alumi- 
num backbone to the huge car- 
bon-fiber struts locating the multi- 
link front suspension, the Wraith 
flexes some massive minimalist 
muscle. This isn't just a one-time 
design choice—its pretty much 
Confederate's whole philosophy. 

“We call it ‘skeletal minimalism,’ ” 
explains Matt Chambers, Confed- 


O8 PENTHOUSE.COM 


Illustration by Janet Woolley 


GIRLTALK 


By Rachel Kramer Bussel m 


While baking cupcakes with 
my friends Laurie and Alice, 
our conversation turns to sex 
(as it often does). I’m in a bit 
of a dry spell, so | love hear- 
ing my friends’ juiciest tales. 
"What's the best sex you ever 
had?” | ask, greedily waiting 
for their answers. Their 
expressions turn thoughtful 
as they mull over their wildest 
sex romps. 


“| have one that comes to 
mind,’ confesses Alice, a shy- 
looking girl with a lusty hellcat 
lurking inside her. “During my 
last relationship, Га had a 
horrible day at work and told 
my boyfriend | just wanted to 
come home and chill in front 
of the TV. But as soon as | 
walked in the door, he pulled 


The Best 


down my pants. | was like, 
'Oh my God —the door was 
still open and my ass was 
hanging out in the hallway!” 
she giggles. 

"We kicked the door 
closed, and he started giving 
me oral on the way to the 
bedroom. Then, with all my 
clothes on except for my 
pants, he went down on me. 
My feet were hanging off the 


bed. He did all the things | 
like, and | came and came 
and came.” But why was it 
the best sex ever? "It was 
completely unselfish. It wasn't 
just a prelude to having sex. | 
didnt have to reciprocate— 
he was just totally into it. After 
we were done, he said, 'Okay, 
lets have dinner. " 


ex 
ACT 


| auries best sex also 
involves getting head. (I’m 
beginning to see a connec- 
tion here.) She was on a book 
tour with a few other authors, 
and one night at dinner, Dan 
was going on and on about 
how much he likes going 
down on girls. She was sur- 
prised because he's British 
and didnt seem the type to 
be so openly lusty. Later, at a 


bar, she whispered in his ear, 
"What you said earlier really 
turned me on." That was all 
she needed to say before 
they were in bed, where he 
kept her more than satisfied 
with nonstop oral sex—all 
night and for the rest of the 
week. "It wasnt just the fact 
that he went down on me, but 


that he was so into it. He 
wasnt just doing it for my 
sake—he really liked the 
taste of pussy, and told me so 
very explicitly. It's very deca- 
dent to just lie back and get 
eaten out by a guy every time 
you fool around. Usually, if 
anything, it's the other way 
around.” 

Thats a hard act to follow 
for any guy. But both girls 


agree that even when their 
boyfriends arent perfect, 
they get major credit for try- 
ing—when they do. Alice tells 
me, “| dated this one guy for 
seven months, and he only 
wanted to try two positions 
and never wanted to give 
head. I’m not Miss Sex God- 
dess or anything, but | just 
wanted some doggie-style 
once in a while. It felt like he 
wasnt interested in me. | was 
begging him to watch porn 
with me to get some ideas!” 

Which brings us back to 
one of the main things a guy 
can do to give his girl the 
best sex ever: Be enthusias- 
tic. There are some things 
you cant fake. It's great to be 
adventurous, but if you're 
only doing something to 
please your partner, it's going 
to show. Focus on your 
strengths, and take cues from 
her—but not too many. “1 like 
guys who dont get offended 
if | tell them how | want them 
to touch me, but | like it even 
more when they can just 
intuit it from how | move and 
the noises | make,” Laurie 
says. "Thats what makes a 
really good lover" Ota 


97 


Al 


Al 


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dine in elegance. Enjoy personalized service 
with a wide selection of champagne 

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By Rudy Maxa 


— 


Light as Air Deals 


In the summer, flying to Europe gets expensive, 
especially to such popular destinations as Italy. 
Here are several ways to beat the retail prices: 


Bi Consider using “hidden” airways. Everyone 
knows that major carriers—such as British Airways, 
American, United, and Continental—link New York 
with London. Instead, price a seat on Air India 
(Airlndia.com), which makes a stop in London be- 
tween New York and Delhi. You may save a couple 
hundred dollars. 


В Check out these lesser-known discount 
carriers to Europe: 


Dusseldorf-based LTU International Airways 
(LTU.com/world) flies to Germany from Miami, Fort 
Myers, Orlando, New York, and Los Angeles. The 
Website holds a unique four-minute auction at 

9 P.M. Eastern time, with ticket prices declining every 
ten seconds. Just click when the price looks like 

a deal, and hope you can grab a seat. 

Eurofly Airlines (EuroflyUSA.com) offers service 
from May to November between New York and 
the Italian cities of Rome, Naples, Bologna, and 
Palermo. 

Also, keep in mind the original European 
discount carrier, Icelandair. Although you have 
to change planes in Reykjavík, Iceland's capital, 
the big payoff is scoring a modest fare. You 
can include an overnight layover and experience 
the city's hot nightlife. Plus, you'll be flying 
the airline your parents flew when they 
were hippies looking for a cheap fare 
to Europe. For more details, visit 
Icelandair.com. 


LTU International 
Airways is one 
of the few 


Save money on 
airfare—and splurge 
on some fun. 


Care for a movie, 
some popcorn, or a 
chocolate truffle? 
Let your butler at the 
h take care of 
your every need. 


Screen 
Gems 


Anyone can order a movie on 
the hotel television, but only 
the Chanler, a luxury Rhode 
Island inn, offers a movie 
butler. Select a movie from the 
in-room menu, and your butler 
brings you the DVD 一 along with a 
bowl of warm, truffle-scented 
popcorn, a plate of chocolate 
truffles, and matches to light your 
gas fireplace. Warning: The hotel 
also offers an “elopement 
package” that includes a justice 
of the peace on demand. Double 
rooms begin at $345 a night. 
TheChanler.com 

Amtrak now offers movies. 
Passengers can rent a personal 
audio/video system called a 
digEplayer on the Auto Train from 
Virginia to Florida. The device 
holds 15 full-length movies, as 
well as hours of sitcoms and 
music. Amtrak wants to offer the 
digEplayer, which weighs two 
pounds and has a seven-inch 
screen, on other long rail routes. 
The rental fee is $19. 


123 


FU 


-HON IA 


OUNL 


wet 


Nick Cave 


Y This Aussie's music may be mostly dark 
and brooding, but when we sat down 
with him to discuss his film, The Proposition, 
Cave seemed almost giddy—chain-smoking as 
he talked about speedy screenwriting, flog- 
ging, and his next project: a *chick flick." 


What inspired you to write this film? 

I'm a good friend [of] director John Hillcoat. He'd 
been talking about doing this Australian western 

for 18 years, and how | was going to do the music. 
Every year а ask him how his film was coming, 
and he'd roll his eyes. He couldn't get a script 
together. Eventually he asked me to do it out of 
desperation, | think. 

Had he approached any screenwriters before 
you? 

He commissioned one script. He was filming my 
band, and brought the book into the studio. | read it 
and said, "This isn't an Australian western. This is an 
American western dumped in Australia." He agreed 
and said, "Well, why don't you write one?" 

How did the writing go? 

[The Proposition] took three weeks to write. My 
second [film] took two weeks. We didn't write 
treatments or synopses or anything like that. Each 
day [the story] unfolded more. It was really exciting. 


“| couldn't 
under- 
stand why 


[in Dead- 
wood]. 
Its, like, 
100 times 
each epi- 


sode." 


Was it different than writing an album? 

Its easier to write a script. Especially with a genre 
movie like this. You take certain characters that 

are already written for you, from all the films you've 
seen—archetypical cowboy characters—make 
them Australian, and subvert them: Make them do 
things you dont expect these characters to do. 

It felt like a realistic western. Did you watch 
Deadwood before you wrote it? 

| watched Deadwood after. | couldn't understand 
why they said “cocksucker” so many times. It's, like, 
100 times each episode. 

When The Proposition began, | sided with 
the law. But as the film progressed, | started 
sympathizing with the criminals. Was | 
supposed to? 

| would hope that you would have sympathized with 
different people. When you find yourself reaching for 
a Kleenex and weeping, its because you're reminded 
of something about yourself. | wanted that feeling of 
sympathy to free-float throughout the film. The idea 
[was], in that particular place, in that particular time, 
morality [was] a luxury. It was too difficult to live life, 
let alone try to be a moral kind of person. 

Speaking of, there's a pretty intense flogging 
scene in the film. Was it supposed to be 
biblical? 

No, [but] it was supposed to be the centerpiece of 
the film. Then The Passion [of the Christ] came out 
while we were writing it, and we were like, "Fuck." 
John had to think of another way to do the flogging 
scene. You dont really see the flogging—you see 
the expressions on peoples faces. The real image 
you get is the wringing out of the whip. 

You declined an MTV Video Music Award 
nomination. What would happen if they 
nominated you for an Oscar? 

You can decline things in the rock world and get 
away with it. In the film world, it's different. It would 
be very bad form for me to decline my Oscar 
nomination. 

How far in are you on your new record? 

A few lines. Songwriting is really hard and takes 
[me] a really, really long time—much longer than | 
think most songwriters take. It takes as long to write 
one song as it takes to write a film script. 

Why is it so hard? 

Its the whole thing of creating [something] original. 
Just sitting there, and nothing but stupidity and petty 
thoughts rattle around in your head [while you're] 
trying to write something that's meaningful. 

You mentioned you wrote a second film. What 
is it about? 

It's really funny, but | wouldn't call it a comedy. It's 
got a really dark heart. It's a chick flick ... an English, 
seaside, weepy sex romp. Basically, Ray Winstone 
and a huge cast of women. 


16 PENTHOUSE.COM 


las vegas 
los angeles 
miami 
montreal 
nashville — 
new england 
new jersey 
neu orleans 
It 


El 


SIRENS 22 


By Jon Wiederhorn 


WE HAVE A CRUSH ON ... 


It's easy to understand why Milan-born 
singer has 
been called the 

. Lacuna Coil’s frontwoman 
chills with headbangers, loves horror 
movies, and plays video games. 


It's hot work 
“Beauty is not 

just the cliché of 
being super-tall 

or blonde or curvy. 
You have to work 
on other things to 
be sexy and feel 
sexy.” 


Let's pretend 

"| dont sleep in high 
heels. And when | 
wake up, | dont 
have perfect hair and 
makeup on.” 


Metallurgy 
“With rock and metal, 
you can combine 


everything: real music, 


energy ... a strong 
image. | never found 
[that] in any other 
kind of music.” 


No pressure 

“[The song 'Our 
Truth’ is] about pride, 
and its my way of 
saying, | don't 
fucking care what 
you think about me; 
Im doing what | 
want. ” 


She has limits 

“My all-time favorite 
video games are [the 
first two] Max Paynes 
and Final Fantasy VIl. 
| would love to be 
able to play Halo and 
Doom, but my eyes 
are just rolling after a 
while.” 


Footnote 

“A couple of fans 
were writing me 
every day, saying 
they wanted to kiss 
and lick my feet. | 
was like, 'Okay, do 
you want me to sign 
an autograph with 
my feet”? " 


We're still laughing 
"One of my favorite 
movies is [Peter 
Jackson's] Bad Taste. 
| love the scene 
where the guy is 
eating the brain of 
the other guy who's 
still alive. When the 
sheep explodes, | 
think it's the funniest 
moment in the history 
of movies."O4—g 


160 PENTHOUSE.COM 


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own, but | told him he'd have to wait. 
Then he pressed his fingers against my 
engorged clit and rubbed it. 

After several girls had danced, he 
said | could easily compete with 
any of them. That was all | needed to 
hear—he was going to get the royal 
treatment once we reached our des- 
tination. Our hotel room would be the 
perfect place for me to give him that lap 
dance he deserved. 

We headed out, this time with me 
behind the wheel. We were talking 
about our plans for the rest of the eve- 
ning when Andrew turned on the interior 
light. Hard rock was playing on the 
radio when Andrew unzipped his jeans 
and began to masturbate. His cock 
was erect and shiny with pre-come. 
Watching him was sending me out of 
control. | was getting hotter and hotter. 
| had never seen a man masturbate 
before, and my pussy began to throb. | 
wanted to reach over and wrap my lips 


PENTHOUSE (ISSN 0090-2020) U.S. May 2006 Volume 37, 
Number 9 Copyright © 2006 by General Media Communications, 
Inc., a subsidiary of Penthouse Media Group Inc. All rights 
reserved. No portion of Penthouse magazine may be reproduced 
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custodian of records. Date of 
publication: April 4, 2006 


158 PENTHOUSE.COM 


around his engorged prick, but | had to 
keep my eyes on the road. 

As he stroked himself, my hips 
moved up and down as if he were 
inside me. When he came, | reached 
orgasm myself. My nipples were hard 
and my panties were soaking wet. | 
grabbed his cock to catch some of his 
sweetness on my fingers, then eagerly 
licked them clean. 

| asked him to lean toward me and 
bring his tongue to my ready clit, but he 
teasingly said, “That's for later.” 

Our drive came to an end after many 
smiles and a lot of laughter. The night 


like never before. My legs buckled and 
| screamed, “Oh, my God!” at the top of 
my lungs. Shit, it felt so good. 

Andrew looked up and smiled with 


CALL THE PETS! 


If you want to get to know cover girl 
Heather Vandeven—or any of our 
Pets—call the Pet Hotline at 800- 
581-PETS (7387). Our vixens can't wait 
to tell you all about their lives and 
their fantasies. Callers must be 18 or 
older. Cost is $0.69/minute. 


“Watching him was sending me out of 
control. | was getting hotter and hotter. When 
he came, | reached orgasm myself.” 


was still young when we checked into 
our hotel. Andrew was playfully working 
the night clerk for a deal on the room. 
She finally gave in a bit on the price, 
and we laughed as she said, "We dont 
give rooms away here." After some fun 
banter back and forth, Andrew and | 
hopped in the elevator and rode up to 
our room. We were hot and horny from 
our sex-fueled ride. 

We dropped our luggage and 
paused for a kiss. Our mouths melded 
in a passionate lip-lock that left me 
breathless. We decided to prolong our 
lust and head down to the hotel bar for 
some close-contact dancing. 

As the elevator doors shut, we went 
down about half a floor, and the elevator 
stopped. It didn't take us long to figure 
out we were stuck. We pushed the HELP 
button, and a red light came on. The 
night clerk answered and said she'd 
send assistance. After a few minutes 
had passed, we realized we might 
be there a while. We were alone in the 
elevator, with mirrors on the walls and 
brass handles all around us. Andrew 
gave me one of those looks | love so 
much, and reached over to undo my 
pants. With a sexy deep tone he said, 
“Remember what you asked for in the 
car? Here it is." 

| couldn't believe it—right there in 
the elevator! | leaned back to grab 
the bar as he got on his knees. His 
tongue touched my clit and | thought 
| would melt. He put his fingers inside 
my snatch and found my G spot while 
licking my clit and lips. Slowly, from the 
base of my pelvis, he would pull his 
tongue up and over my clit. | thought 
| was going to come within seconds, 
but | held off. | could see Andrew in the 
mirror. | arched back and moaned with 
ecstasy. Then he gently placed my clit 
between his teeth and flicked it with 
his tongue. Blood rushed to my head. 
With the pressure on my G spot and his 
tongue on my clit, he made me climax 


my sweet juices on his face. He pulled 
down his pants and motioned for me to 
turn around. | held on to the bars with 
both hands, and he stuck his throbbing 
cock into my waiting pussy. | caught our 
reflection in the mirrors and felt another 
orgasm coming on. | watched him 
thrusting in and out of my pussy, and in 
less than a minute, | saw him arch his 
back to come himself. As he growled in 
ecstasy, | felt his dick surge inside me 
and pulse jism into me. 

| didn't think | had anything left in me, 
but | came a third time as he exploded 
in my honeypot. He pulled out, and just 
as | bent down to lick him clean, the 
elevator jerked and started to move. 
We knew we'd better get dressed fast. 
As we finished buttoning our pants, 
Andrew realized the intercom light was 
still on. The night clerk had been able to 
listen to and enjoy our entire interlude. 

We exited the elevator with little 
fanfare and big smiles, then strolled 
past the front desk on our way to the 
bar and waved to the clerk. She gave 
us a smile big enough to rival ours and 
waved back. | can't wait for my next 
business trip.—C. T., MontanaOt4—g 


"Forum" letters should carry name 
and address, though these—in 
addition to other identifying charac- 
teristics—will be changed for publica- 
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property of Penthouse. Send letters to 
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house Editorial Dept., 2 Penn Plaza, 
Eleventh Floor, Suite 1125, New York, 
N.Y. 10121. 

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sale at your newsstand, or subscribe 
for one year, for only $30, by calling 
800-411-9245. For back issues, call 
888-312-2225. Each back issue is 
$8.50 plus shipping and handling. 


hold back. As | spewed my hot come 
into her, she bathed my cock with her 
warm juices. 

Needless to say, the three of us didn't 
get any sleep that night. Since then, we 
have been together many times, and 
each time has been as exciting and 
satisfying as the first. —C. and C.J., 
Minnesota 


ULTIMATE SEX FANTASY 


It was like any other Friday night. | was 
19 and going out with my buddies. The 
plan was to have a few drinks and pick 
up girls. We ended up at a bar | had 
been to many times. Bebe was there 
with some friends. She was tall, beauti- 
ful, and a natural blonde (we grew up 
next door to each other, so | know). 
Bebe had five years on me, and l'd 
always considered her out of reach. 
After having several rounds and 
dancing with a few girls, my friends and 
| decided to call it a night. When Bebe 
approached me, | figured she was look- 


Then we three took a cab to Donna's 
place. My ultimate sex fantasy was 
coming true: | was about to sleep with 
two babes, one of whom Га fantasized 
about since puberty. 

We reached Donna's apartment, 
| paid the driver, and we entered. | 
ducked into the bathroom to take some 
deep breaths. When | came out, Bebe 
and Donna were waiting for me on the 
bed, wearing nothing but their smiles. | 
sat between them, and they proceeded 
to undress me. Forming a tag team, 
the girls gave me the best blowjob of 
my life. They were calling the shots ... 
and | loved every minute of it. Bebe 
straddled my face, placing her perfectly 
trimmed pussy over my lips. She tasted 
exquisite. Donna straddled my hips, 
sliding her dripping pussy down on my 
penis. Thank God а come during the 
blowjob, or I'd have come again within 
seconds of feeling that hot snatch grip 
my cock. 

As Donna rode me like | was a buck- 
ing bronco, Bebe ground her muff into 


*| loved the taste of her. Once again, 
the girls switched. | got to taste Donna again as 
she tasted Bebe for the first time." 


ing for a ride home. | was so wrong. 
She asked me how l'd been and what 
га been up to. Then she dropped the 
bomb: "Have you ever slept with two 
women?” 

“At the same time?” | asked. 

“Of course, silly,” she said. 

When | told Bebe | hadn't been that 
lucky, she said my luck was about to 
change. Donna, a friend of hers, joined 
us. | got so excited, | thought | might 
come in my pants. | told my friends that 
Га bumped into someone | hadn't seen 
in a while and that they should go on 
without me. | bought a round of drinks. 


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29000005 0. 

EL DIT TE 
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my face as my tongue burrowed into 
her sweet pussy. | found her clit and 
pressed her pleasure button. Suddenly, 
| felt Donnas juices flow down my balls 
as | shot my load into her, and | could 
taste Bebe as she came. 

The girls switched places. We 
repeated this ritual for the rest of the 
night. Wanting to try something differ- 
ent, Bebe turned around and sat on my 
face. Then she leaned over and began 
eating Donna's pussy, lapping at it like 
she was starving for it. While Bebe ate 
her out, Donna deep-throated my cock. 

When | climaxed, Donna swallowed 


every drop. She moaned as she did 
this, since she was coming in Bebe's 
mouth. As | stopped coming, Bebe 
started coming in my mouth. | did 
everything | could to make her throb 
harder. | loved the taste of her. Once 
again, the girls switched. | got to taste 
Donna again as she tasted Bebe for 
the first time. Bebe was an expert 
cocksucker, so it didn't take me long to 
explode in her mouth. Once we were all 
tired out, Bebe said it was time to go. 
We got in a cab and headed home. 

The next day, | saw a moving van 
parked outside Bebes house. | went 
over and asked her what was going on. 
She told me she was moving, but that 
she'd wanted to fuck me before she 
did. She said she had the best time with 
Donna and me, and she gave me her 
new address. “Look me up sometime” 
she said with a wink. 

| never saw her again, but I'll never 
forget that night. It was the best sex | 
ever had.—R.T., Nova Scotia 


GOING DOWN 


My job requires a lot of business travel. 
On my last trip | asked my boyfriend, 
Andrew, to join me. 

We started out a day ahead of my 
scheduled meeting, and along the way 
decided to stop for dinner and cock- 
tails. l'd heard a couple of my cowork- 
ers talking about a new strip club, and 
| told Andrew it might be fun to check it 
out. He was surprised, but agreed. As 
we drove up to the club, he suggested 
we stay for a show and dinner. 

“Dinner and dessert will be served 
later,” | said. The naughty look | gave 
him let him know exactly what | meant. 

He handed the car keys to the valet. 
While Andrew went to pay the cover 
charge, two beautiful, negligee-clad 
women with tight bodies, large breasts, 
and ridiculously high heels approached 
me. With one hand on my shoulder and 
one on the small of my back, one of 
them asked, “So, do we get to play with 
you tonight?” | saw hunger in their eyes, 
and although their offer was tempting 
and made my clit tingle, itwas my first 
time at a place like this, so | smiled 
politely and declined. Then Andrew and 
| found seats close to the stage. 

Every place | looked, | saw gorgeous 
women. They moved to the music and 
wrapped their legs around poles as if 
caressing a cock. Watching their sen- 
suous moves made me horny. Under 
cover of the tablecloth, | put my hand 
up the inside of Andrews thigh. He 
was practically poking a hole through 
his pants. While we sipped our drinks 
| stroked his manhood, which led to 
my pussy becoming dripping wet. He 
wanted me to take him in the back 
room and give him a lap dance of my 


157 


Forum 


CONTINUED FROM PAGE 8 


NAUGHTY GIRLS 


The house was empty and quiet when 
| got home. I'd spent the entire day 
helping a friend build a deck and 
figured Crystal was probably at the 
movies with the kids. When | walked 
into the kitchen, | found a note she'd 
left. The kids were at sleepovers. She 
was upstairs in the bedroom waiting for 
me with a surprise, but she wanted me 
to take a shower before joining her. 

| showered in record time, all the 
while wondering what Crystal had 


indeed waiting for me to join them. 

When | reached the bedroom door, 
Crystal and Toni were lying naked 
across the bed watching a porno. | 
immediately took in their stunning asses 
as the blood rushed to my rising cock. 
“So, what are you two naughty girls up 
to tonight?" | asked, as | knelt on the 
bed between them. 

“Toni and | are up for some fun 
tonight," Crystal said. Then they both 
smiled and rolled over onto their backs. 
"Can you help us out?" she asked. 

My heart was racing and my cock 
throbbed as | admired their big, 
beautiful tits and especially their pretty 
pussies, which had been shaved 
smooth. It was the first time | had ever 
seen Crystal with her pussy shaved. | 


“Crystal knelt on the floor between Toni’s legs 
and buried her face in Toni's snatch. She 
quickly brought Toni to a screaming climax." 


- 


Ма 7 


planned. Wrapping a towel around 
my waist, | started up the stairs. | 
heard Crystal's voice coming from the 
bedroom, then stopped when | heard 
her friend Toni's voice. 

Crystal and | have been married for 
12 years. Although Crystal has never 
been much for experimenting, we still 
have an exciting sex life. Only recently 
did she share her interest in having a 
threesome. She hadnt said whether 
she wanted it to be with another guy or 
a girl. As | continued to climb the stairs, 
| hoped and prayed that these two 
beautiful women in my bedroom were 


156 PENTHOUSE.COM 


couldn't wait to find out how it felt. 

“Is this the kind of fun you two are 
looking for?" | asked, as | began 
kneading their plump little clits between 
my nimble fingers. 

"Oh, yes! That's exactly what we're 
looking for, baby," Crystal moaned. 

| told Crystal | wanted to see her kiss 
Toni. As they pressed their lips together, 
| pressed my fingers inside their juicy 
love holes. Things were really beginning 
to heat up. They were both humping 
against my hands. The intoxicating 
scent of their sex was overwhelming. 
Pulling Crystal to the edge of the 
bed, | knelt between her legs and 
started feasting on her juicy pussy 
with newfound excitement, the feel of 
her slick skin spurring me on. Within 
minutes, Crystal was crying out and 
spilling her tasty juice onto my tongue. 

Then | moved between Toni's legs 
and began hungrily eating her out, 
hoping she would also reward me with 
her love juice. But Crystal had other 
ideas. Nudging me aside, she said, 
"Honey, | want to taste her, too. Save 
some for mel” With that, | relinquished 
my position to my wife. Crystal knelt on 
the floor between Toni's legs and buried 
her face in Toni's snatch. She quickly 
brought Toni to a screaming climax. 

га been playing with my cock during 
all of this and was ready for action. | 
grabbed Toni's legs and lifted her ass 
from the bed, burying my cock deep 
inside her love hole. As | fucked her, 
Crystal squatted over Toni's face. | was 
drilling Toni while she eagerly sucked 
my wife's cunt. When Crystal came, she 
delivered her sweet juices onto Toni's 
tongue. 

| turned Toni over and began fucking 
her doggie-style, thrusting my cock 
deep inside her until | could no longer 


CREDITS 


Page 4 clockwise from top left, Claude Trigari, 
J. Stephen Hicks, Brett Bereny, Ken Marcus, 
Viv Thomas; page 6 top left, Mazur; page 6 top 
middle, Richard Stanley; page 6 bottom middle, 
GormanPhoto.com; page 6 top right, Z. Minkovich; 
page 6 middle right, Garth Aikens; page 8, Carl 
L. Wachter; page 12 (book), courtesy of Penguin 
Group; page 14 clockwise from top left, cour- 
tesy of AintltCoolNews.com, Abbott Genser/2005 
Picturehouse; page 15 top, Peter Sorel/Sony 
Pictures Classics; page 15 bottom, Mark Lowry; 
page 16, Polly Borland; page 17 clockwise from 
top left, Joe Giron/Corbis, Kevin Estrada/Retna 
Ltd., Joseph Llanes; page 18 top, Danny Clinch; 
page 20, J. Grassi; page 22 clockwise from top 
right, Rico Torres, courtesy of Sony Pictures Home 
Entertainment, Rico Torres, courtesy of Dark Sky 
Films; page 23 top, middle, and bottom right, cour- 
tesy of Fox Home Entertainment; page 23 top left, 
courtesy of 20th Century Home Entertainment; 
page 23 bottom left (PSP), courtesy of Sony; 
page 23 bottom left (screen shot), courtesy of 
20th Century Fox Home Entertainment; page 26 
bottom, courtesy of Earache Records; page 36 
clockwise from top left, Royalty-Free/Corbis, Elise 
Amendola/AP Photo, Andy Lyons/Getty Images, 
Fred Prouser/Reuters/Corbis, Andrew Redington/ 
Getty Images; page 37 left, Jeff Haynes/AFP/Getty 
Images; page 37 bottom right, Ryan Remiorz/AP 
Photo; page 38 clockwise from top left, Robert E. 
Klein/AP Photo, Jack Dempsey/AP Photo, Douglas 
C. Pizac/AP Photo, Chris Putman/AP Photo, Bill 
Kostroun/AP Photo; page 39 clockwise from top 
left, Sara D. Davis/AP Photo, Jack Dempsey/AP 
Photo, Yves Logghe, Victor Decolongon/Getty 
Images, Winslow Townson/AP Photo; page 40, 
Joseph Sohm/ChromoSohm, Inc./Corbis; page 41, 
Royalty-Free/Corbis; page 42 (all), courtesy of MLB; 
page 43 clockwise from top left, Claude Trigari, 
Brad Mangin/MLB Photos/Getty Images, Elsa/ 
Getty Images, Mitchell Layton/MLB Photos/Getty 
Images; page 44 top left to right, Ezra Shaw/Getty 
Images, Jed Jacobsohn/Getty Images, Jonathan 
Daniel/Getty Images; page 45 top to bottom, Lionel 
Delvy, Paul Buck/Reuters/Corbis, Jim Mclsaac/ 
Getty Images, Duomo/Corbis; page 56, Royalty- 
Free/Corbis; page 58, Chris Windsor/Getty Images; 
page 70 bottom, Emily Murphy; page 71 clockwise 
from top left, Colleen Coughlin, Emily Murphy; 
page 74 clockwise from top left, Patrick Ryan/ 
Getty Images, Anthony Johnson/Getty Images, 
Royalty-Free/Getty Images, Royalty-Free/Corbis; 
page 75 clockwise from top left, C. Lyttle/Zefa/ 
Corbis, Royalty-Free/Corbis, Visuals Unlimited/ 
Corbis, John Lamb/Getty Images; pages 76-78, 
Zhenya Minkovich/courtesy of Kosteniuk.com; 
page 79, Pierre W. Henry/courtesy of Kosteniuk 
.com; page 81 clockwise from top left, Stephen 
Vaughn/20th Century/Corbis, Paul Drinkwater/NBC 
Universal Photo, Universal/The Kobal Collection, 
Getty Images; page 82 clockwise from top left, 
Henry Garfunkel/Retna Ltd., Ron Sachs/Corbis, 
Joe Murphy/NBAE/Getty Images, Dimitrias/ 
Wirelmage; page 83 clockwise from top left, John 
Rogers/Getty Images, Scott McDermott/Corbis, 
Andrew Schwartz/Universal Studios/Corbis, Kevin 
Winter/Getty Images; pages 100-103, courtesy of 
Chrysler; pages 120-121, Warren Tang; page 122, 
Maroma Resort & Spa; page 123 top to bottom, 
courtesy of the Chanler, courtesy of Railway Media 
LLC, courtesy of LTU International Airways; page 
124, Jonathan Alpeyrie/Getty Images; page 125, 
Kevin Mazur; page 126, Jeff Zelevansky/Icon SMI/ 
Corbis; page 127, Paul Hawthorne/Getty Images; 
page 128, Charles Krupa-Pool/Getty Images; 
page 130, Michael Murphee; page 131, Marianna 
Day Massey/ZUMA/Corbis; page 132, Michael 
Murphee; page 133 top, Cliff Schiappa/AP Photos; 
page 133 bottom, Marianna Day Massey/ZUMA/ 
Corbis; page 144, Ethan Miller/Getty Images for 
Comedy Central; page 150, Mark Richards/Corbis; 
page 152, courtesy of Anarchy Films; page 154, 
Lionel Delvey; page 156, Suze Randall; pages 157 
and 158, Earl Miller; page 160, Katja Kuhl. 


By Harry Knowles 


ArtSchool 
Confidential 


April 28 


“Art school for me was like Vietnam for Oliver 
Stone,” says Daniel Clowes. Directed by Terry 
Zwigoff and adapted by Clowes from his brilliant 
comic story of the same name, Art School Confi- 
dential is the greatest treat I’ve discovered so 
far this year. 

Relative newcomer Max Minghella (Syriana) 
plays Jerome, a kid who has been picked on his 
entire life for being an artist. 

When his dream of beautiful, nude female 
models is replaced by the reality of sketching flac- 
cid, middle-aged men, Jerome is desperate for 
direction. The brilliant but burned-out artist Jimmy 
(Jim Broadbent) offers him this advice: “You really 
need to take some lessons in cocksucking and 
ass-licking!” 

Before Jerome wishes death on the artistic 
community, he meets his muse—dream model 
Audrey (Sophia Myles). Will the cynical artist be 
saved by beauty? Or at least some tasteful nudity? 

Clowes's next project is based on the true story 
of three kids who spent seven years in the 1980s 
filming a shot-for-shot re-creation of Steven Spiel- 
bergs Raiders of the Lost Ark, complete with a 
giant boulder, ghosts, beams of electricity, a sub- 
marine, and the entire truck sequence. The greatest 
creative concession was the substitution of a dog 
for the Nazi's monkey spy. Imagine a tiny white pup 
that sieg heils: That scene alone made Spielberg 

applaud when he saw it. In 2007, we will, too. 


| Hard Candy 


April 14 (limited) 


Moving from the playful, wanton sexuality of Bettie 
Page to its antithesis, Hard Candy is about pedo- 
philia and online stalking. The flick focuses on 

a photographer who haunts Internet chat rooms, 
attempting to lure young teens into his studio with 
the promise of a glamorous modeling career 

and the friendship of a sophisticated older man. 

Sexual predators hunting children is scary 
stuff that we read about in newspapers too often. 
But this plot is not what it seems. Imagine Little 
Red Riding Hood—only Red isn't the victim. Instead, 
she uses her innocence to capture and torture the 
Big Bad Wolf. 

Directed by David Slade, this is a taut, two-actor 
film. As the “wolf,” Jeff Kohlver, we have 32-year-old 
Patrick Wilson (The Phantom of the Opera), and as 
“Red,” we have 19-year-old Ellen Page portraying 
14-year-old Hayley Stark. 

Picture this: Kohlver is stretched out on a 
stainless-steel table, tied down, and little Hayley 
is hovering over him in hospital scrubs and plastic 
gloves—set to remove his testicles. Still interested 
in renewing your subscription to Barely Legal? 

The most chilling thing about Hard Candy is that 
you almost start to care what happens to this 
molester—but not quite. It's an impressive first film 
from Slade, known prior only for his work on the 
Stone Temple Pilots' video for “Sour Girl." He is 
definitely a director to watch. This year Slade is 
scheduled to adapt the greatest horror comic of the 
last decade, 30 Days of Night, about an Alaskan 
town in the dark months following the winter solstice. 
Oh, and the town has a slight vampire problem. 

oam Raimi optioned this adaptation a few years 
ago, but he finally found a suitable director and a 
good screenplay, written by Stuart Beattie (Collateral, 
Pirates of the Caribbean). If Slade's proficiency at 
tension and suspense in Candy is any indication, 
30 Days of Night will give us nightmares. 


-ULLFRONTAL2CH ККУ 


Cinema 


Ain't It Cool News’ 
grandmaster 

of movie geekiness 
gets inside the best 
upcoming indie flicks. 


» Harry here. 

Gleeful vintage fetishism! Underage Internet 
revenge! Hot art-school models! This month, we 
have all that and more. For my first Penthouse col- 
umn, | go under the radar of your local megaplex 
to find the most interesting flicks so far this year 


The 
Notorious 
Bettie Page 


April 14 


The Notorious Bettie Page is per- 

fect for Penthouse readers. When 

the movie premiered at the To- 

ronto International Film Festival 

last year, it was met with a tepid- 

to-mixed reaction. My impression was anything buttepid. 
Director Mary Harron (American Psycho) has created a 
nostalgic, funny, and heartfelt look at the birth of modern 
photographic erotica—all through the pics and flicks of 
pinup icon Bettie Page. 

Gretchen Mol (The Thirteenth Floor, Sweet and Low- 
down) is the titular (no pun intended) character—the 
world's most famous pinup of her time. Mol is completely 
invisible in the part, leaving only Page on-screen. This 
isn't like any erotic film you've seen before! 

Don't go expecting sex scenes and modern perversity, 
though. This is about a more innocent (and some would 
argue better) time, and Harron's film successfully cap- 
tures one of the great icons of modern femininity. It's a 
bold film that's way more than just black-and-white T&A. 


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I'll never forget my college 
graduation. | was chosen 

to give a speech at the 
ceremony, and it was опе of 
the greatest moments of my 
life. My speech was about the 
crucial role Doritos had played 
in my college experience. 

As | stepped down from the 
podium, | caught a glimpse 

of my parents in the crowd. | 
saw the smile on my mom's 
face and the tears in my dad's 
eyes. That's when | knew it 
was all over—they would 
never, ever give me money 
again. 

Of course these days, 
college graduation is merely 
the anticlimactic epilogue to 
the weeklong debauchery 
that precedes it. Once finals 
are over (and, let's face it, by 
that point you're just mailing 


year until a 1,000-student 
protest rally overturned the 
policy. But when that last 
final is over and Senior Week 
begins, all of a sudden the 
administration becomes your 
cool older brother, lending you 
the keys to his Camaro and 
buying a 24-pack of Keystone 
for you. The school is like, "We 
know we ve been hardasses 
these past few years, and we 
feel kinda bad about it. So you 
know what? You guys just go 
out there and get obliterated 
... on the house!” 

Let's say you survive Senior 
(Hypocrisy) Week intact. 
Now it's time for graduation, 
another strange experience. 
Everyone marches into 
the football stadium while 
furiously dialing their cell 
phones, whose circuits have 


When That Last Final's 


ate their hangovers away, 
and returned in time for the 
zoology majors. 

Graduation was a joyous 
time. It was also a chilly time. 
Probably because it was a 
brisk May morning and | was 
standing at the podium talking 
about Doritos while wearing 
shorts and Nikes under my 
robe. Not the approved 
dress code, | know, but | had 
the microphone and was 
graduating in 15 minutes—so 
what were they gonna do? 

Since | managed to 
abscond with that bachelor's 
degree, | figure I’m qualified to 
answer your questions. If you 
have a question you'd like me 
to read, ignore, then move on 
to a topic of my own choosing, 
make sure to e-mail it over to 
karo O penthouse.com. 


Post-graduation trips are 
always ... a trip. | love how 
we convince ourselves that 
the payoff for four years of 
unrepentant partying should 
be another two weeks of 
unrepentant partying with the 
same people you have been 
unrepentantly partying with 
this whole time. 

And did you even know 
that "unrepentantly" is a 
word? | didn't think it was, but 
the little red squiggly line in 
Microsoft Word didn't come 
up, so I'll assume it's valid. 
Man, this college degree is 
starting to pay off.O4—g 


*Senior Week begins and all of a sudden the administration 


becomes your cool older brother, lending you the keys 
to his Camaro and buying a 24-pack of Keystone for you.” 


it in anyway), soon-to-be- 
graduates are privy to one of 
the most cherished college 
traditions: Senior Week. 

My Senior Week was a 
fucking shit-show. It featured 
an 18-bar pub crawl (| was 
“removed” from the festivities 
around bar 16), as well as a 
formal event (with an open 
bar), all sponsored by the 
school. Which is why | believe 
that Senior Week should be 
renamed Hypocrisy Week. 

Think about it: For four 
years the university goes out 
of its way to prevent you from 
getting inebriated. IDs are 
checked, bags are searched, 
bars are raided, and parties 
are shut down. My campus 
even went dry for about six 
weeks during my sophomore 


been overloaded by 10,000 
simultaneous calls within a 
100-yard area. When you 
finally do get your mother on 
the phone, your conversation 
will probably sound like this: 
"Hey, Mom! I’m wearing a 
black robe and I'm sitting next 
to a flag. Do you see те?” | 
dont know how she does it, 
but your mother will always 
find you in the sea of black 
robes sitting next to flags. | 
guess that's why she's Mom. 
The ceremony itself is pretty 
boring. Graduation is long. 
Really ... fucking ... long. Two 
of my biology-majoring frat 
buddies, knowing that the last 
of their classmates were going 
to be at least 45 minutes 
behind them, actually left the 
stadium, went to McDonald's, 


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"CA Residents add sales tax: 
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SIGNATURE (1 am over 18 years old) 
NAME (print) 


ADDRESS 


COPYRIGHT ©1996 PLUS MEDICAL. PRO--PLUS PILLS is a tradename ol PLUS MEDICAL 


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152 PENTHOUSE.COM 


Sa X-RATEDVIDEO 


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FLY ME TO THE Poon 


Jessicas Jet Set 
(Hustler Video) А. і. А. 


This is a hot and raunchy explosion of 

a sex show that finds its star, Jessica 
Jaymes, going around the world in more 
ways than one. Shes a dark, lovely fuck- 
stress with some funky hair extensions 
and a great figure who puts it all to work in 
one of the most relentless, balls-out fuck- 
flicks to come our way in a while. If you 
can last more than three minutes into her 
first scene, you're a better man than | am. 
Lucky for you, the viewer, Jaymes per- 
forms in a total of three scenes here, later 
giving it up to Samantha Ryan in a tasty 
lesbo outing, as well as another French- 
themed boy-girler. Two lucky studs get to 
fly the friendly thighs of Sandra Romain, 
who services them as equal parts fuck- 
monkey and sexual tigress. The sets and 
lighting in Jet Set are fine, too. Combined 
with the top-notch banging, they help 
make this quite a disc. As far as extras 
go, you get behind-the-scenes footage, a 
slideshow, and trailers for other films. The 
menu is broken down by both scene and 
choice of your favorite starlet, so you can 
go straight to your preferred position. 


AMERICA’s Next Тор MoDELsS 


Models Wanted 
(Anarchy Films) . 4. 1, 


The perception of models as sexual 
pawns goes back to the beginning of the 
profession, so it's not surprising that we 
see so many model-themed pornos these 
days. This entry into the model-as-fuck-toy 
market offers the vague plot advance- 
ment we've come to expect from one- 
day-wonder porn, with plenty of steamy 
sex to set it apart. In Models Wanted), we 
were especially impressed with Jasmine, 
a Bangladeshi beauty whose dark skin 
and broad face are all too rare in Western 
smut. She demonstrates very arousing 
oral skills, really making an effort to go 
down on an especially long cock—and 
she looks damn sexy doing it. Elsewhere, 
blonde and lovely Alisha Daniels uses 

her natural curves to good effect, and 
Chiquita Lopez adds another bit of variety 
to the otherwise standard cast. Keep 
your attention on the action, not the act- 
ing, and you'll be in fine shape. 


By Eric Danville 


Ho Is WHERE THE HEART Is 


Street Walkers #3 
(Python Pictures) 4. Â А 


Director John West takes it to the street 

in a big way, exposing the gritty lives of 
urban working girls. Of course, the gals 
arent real streetwalkers—they're porn gals 
with various levels of experience. Ashley 
Gracie, a pretty sandy blonde and the 
best-looking gal here, does indeed 

suck cock like a ho. The rest of her sex 
scene is good, too, full of hot dirty talk 
and a lot of enthusiasm. Established porn 
chicklet Trina Michaels also shows her 
mettle, giving it up in missionary, dog- 
gie-style, and reverse-cowgirl positions. 
Theres a rare outing with redhead Bailey 
O'Dare, a real doll whose hard-core 
coupling includes some rough, deep 
fucking and sucking. 

The gonzo-based faux reality of picking 
the girls up on the street before the sex 
scenes gives Street Walkers 43 a vague 
documentary feeling, like something on 
cable. But this is blown when the actresses 
break down the fourth wall. Although you 
don't get any bonuses on this disc, there 
is an additional scene in which Isabella 
otanza has an apparently off-hours tumble 
with her stud's roommate.O4—g 


All the DVDs reviewed in Penthouse can be 
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Чш- MIL ITARYAFFAIRS V 


Will the 
government 
honor its 
commitment 
to the 25 
million veter- 
ans who are 
now eligible 
for health 
benefits? 


ULTIMATE BETRAYAL? 
As Congress has learned 
the hard way, it doesn't 
cost much in terms of 
money to get into a war, 
but the expenses down 
the road can be real 
budget-busters. 

The federal budget, 
already under severe 
strain from the costs 
of staying in Iraq, will 
soon undergo another 
crunch: the bill for all 
the veterans when they 
come home. Those costs, 
which hardly ever attract 
public attention, are 
quickly soaring into the 
stratosphere. 

At the moment, the 
Department of Veterans 
Affairs budget is about 
$68 billion, but its not 
enough to handle 
demands on the system. 
More than a million 
military veterans have 
been added to the VA 
rolls since 2001, which 
means there are now 25 
million veterans eligible 
for benefits. Add to 
that the assistance for 
National Guard and 
Reserve personnel called 
up for active duty, the 
soaring medical costs for 
some 3.6 million aging 
World War II veterans, 
and the sudden demand 
for educational benefits 
to newly discharged 
veterans, and $68 billion 
doesnt look like much. 

As with most other 
government budgets 
these days, the real killer 
is medical costs. The 
VA finds itself nearly $4 
billion short in its medical 
care accounts. With the 
influx of new veterans, 
that deficit will soon 
necessitate a big infusion 
of cash. The White House 
has proposed adding 
$100 million to the VAS 


medical budget, along 
with implementing some 
cost-cutting measures 
that haven't gone over 
well with veterans groups. 
One would require a 
$250 enrollment fee for 
each veteran seeking 
prescription drug benefits, 
along with a doubling 

of the co-payment on 
drugs. But veterans 
groups, especially the 
Disabled American 
Veterans organization, 
call such measures a 
"betrayal" of millions of 
servicemen and -women, 
whose enlistments 
hinged on a contract 
with the government 

that guaranteed certain 
benefits—mainly, health 
care for those who 

suffer service-related 
disabilities. 

Whatever the merits of 
that argument, the fact 
remains that paying the 
health costs, educational 
assistance, housing aid, 
pensions, and assorted 
other benefits the govern- 
ment has pledged will 


REMEMBER 
DISABLED 


VETEDARNG 


require many more 
billions than the funds 
currently allocated. But 
nobody seems to know 
where that money will 
come from in atime of 
budgets squeezed by 
war and natural disasters. 


RAPTOR IN DANGER 
Meanwhile, all the talk 
about budget constraints 
Is causing serious anxiety 
in the Air Force, since it 
threatens the services 
technological icon, a 
wonder known as the 
F-22 Raptor. 

The Raptor was first 
conceived in 1981 as 
the ticket to Air Force 
domination of the skies, 
especially against the 
then-formidable Soviet 
Air Force. The jet is an 
unquestionably awesome 
weapons system. Among 
other things, it can detect 
and destroy enemy 
planes at long range, 
electronically defeat 
ground defenses, and 
out-fly anything in the sky. 
As the centerpiece of 


the Air Force budget, the 
Raptor now represents a 
$72 billion appropriation 
for 278 planes. That's 
a whopping $258 
million per plane—the 
most expensive air- 
craft in history. But 
as the Government 
Accountability Office 
recently discovered, the 
plane will actually cost 
more: more than $8 billion 
to make it a first-class 
ground-attack aircraft, 
capable of taking out any 
target in any weather from 
any altitude. That brings 
the cost of each plane to 
about $300 million. 

To the Air Force's 
distress, the Raptor 
is drawing increasing 
fiscal scrutiny. Both the 
Army and the Navy are 
confiding to military 
congressional committee 
staff that the Raptor was 
developed for a threat 
that no longer exists. 
The other branches 
also argue that ongoing 
upgrades to the F-16 and 
F-18 fighters will maintain 
U.S. dominance of the 
skies for decades to 
come. They note that the 
F-35 Joint Strike Fighter, 
a new fighter-bomber 
designed for all the 
services, has many of 
the Raptors capabilities 
and costs only about $80 
million a copy. 

Despite the Air 
Forces best efforts, 
the Raptor appears to 
be in trouble. Almost 
certainly, the program 
will be cut in some way, 
perhaps drastically. As 
one congressional staff 
member noted recently 
during a session on the 
Air Force budget, the cost 
of just one Raptor would 
fund a large new VA 
hospital. O+—3 


150 PENTHOUSE.COM 


Ironically, this situation has caused 
students at all-female institutions to be 
viewed as sex kittens instead of indepen- 
dent and intelligent individuals. 

"Some Columbia guys still have a neg- 
ative view of Barnard women,” Nadia 
continues. "They see Columbia girls as 
intellectual counterparts and Barnard 
girls as sex objects.... Most Columbia 
guys are smart, but many are conceited 
about that. Compared to other colleges, 
we dont have that great an arts/music 
scene and are not very good in sports. 
So a lot of the guys are either intellectu- 
ally nerdy or intellectual snobs—all the 
while thinking they can get any girl they 
want!” 

With graduates that include Hillary 
Rodham Clinton, Diane Sawyer, and 
Madeleine Albright, women's colleges 
cultivate some of the world's best politi- 
cal leaders, engineers, and artists. The 
single-sex school is intended as a safe 
environment where female voices can 
be heard and valued. 

Still, there's no escaping the image of 
the naughty schoolgirl. Men imagine 
them sitting around braiding one anoth- 
ers hair, engaging in pillow fights, and 
making out in an X-rated, all-female pro- 
duction of Hamlet. 

Men also are fascinated by prim, 
pearl-wearing girls who may actually, se- 
cretly, be sluts. They love the idea of 
bringing out the whore inside the vir- 
gin—thats why the naughty-schoolgirl 
fantasy is so titillating. Are female stu- 
dents there really okay with the absence 
of men? Or are they just cock-hungry 
vixens waiting to be defiled? 

"One girl | knew had an orgy with three 
guys while someone and their girlfriend 
watched," says a blushing Hailey. "She 
only had intercourse with one of them, 
but there was plenty going on with the 
others." 

Without a coed social environment, 
one of two things can happen: Women 
either go through four years as asexual 
amoebas, or they become promiscuous 
to satisfy their urges. 

"| had a lot of one-night stands in col- 
lege, where | would meet a guy at a 
dance or party, hook up with him, and 
never see him again," says Charlotte. 
“I'm not proud of that, and it's not some- 
thing Га ever do now. Had | been at a 
coed school, | imagine there would have 
been more opportunities for a stable re- 
lationship." 

The upside is that many women who 
attend all-female colleges end up being 
more open-minded about gender and 
sexuality. Sphinx, an attractive lesbian 
from Mount Holyoke, says the openness 
about  sexuality—particularly toward 
same-sex endeavors—was a plus. 
“Women sat around in the dorm halls or 
common areas and discussed sex and 


sexuality, how to use vibrators, the best 
sexual positions.... Friends at coed col- 
leges probably thought my social life 
was boring. But they certainly liked to 
visit Mount Holyoke—especially my 
straight male friends!” 

When the straight girls do find boy- 
friends, you can bet they're pretty unin- 
hibited. “а have anal sex with my boy- 
friend in the handicapped showers," re- 
veals man-loving Nadia. “One shower in 
each bathroom was extra large to ac- 
commodate people with disabilities, and 
a lot of people would have sex in those 
showers. Keeping quiet in a public bath- 
room was the hard part. Sometimes we'd 
‘sexile’ my roommate, [or I'd] have sex 
with my boyfriend while my roommate 
was in the room, after she fell asleep. 
[We also had sex] on her bed when she 
wasnt there. Wow, | was a bad room- 
mate!" she laughs. 

These chicks think nothing of break- 
ing school rules, getting their sexual sat- 
isfaction from multiple partners, even 
letting other people watch them in ac- 
tion. This proves they are just as wild, if 
not wilder, than their counterparts at 
coed universities. And sex isn't the only 
thing on their agenda. 

Many parents believe that by sending 
their daughters to an all-female ivory 
tower for their education, they are pro- 
tecting their little princesses from the 
drugs, alcohol, and sex thats rampant 
on coed campuses. 

But the clean-cut reputation of these 
womens colleges hides the fact that the 
social scene on campus can be just as 
cutthroat as the academic one. "Wellesley 
women do like to party on weekends, 
that's for sure," smirks Emma. "But they 
Kick your ass in the classroom during the 
week." 

These girls aren't naughty in the ob- 
vious ways. You probably won't find 
them whipping up their tops in Cancün 
on spring break, or doing keg stands at 
a frat party. That's precisely why their 
bad behavior is so fascinating: It's un- 
expected. 

Womens college students are a para- 
dox: studious and slutty, smart yet des- 
perate. They are like the Catholic school- 
girls you knew growing up who were 
supposed to be the good ones, but who 
actually taught you how to smoke and 
give head. 

As long as women's colleges exist, 
you can bet these schoolgirls will be up 
to something naughty. 

Over at Mount Holyoke, Sphinx and 
her girlfriends broke out the fine china 
and put on some mellow tunes in her 
dormitory. As tea was served, the ladies 
one by one removed their shirts and 
brassieres, adding an erotic charge to 
the afternoon's activities. Now that's sex- 
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While guys aren't granted admission to 
schools like Bryn Mawr, a lucky few make 
it into the Bra Dance, as long as they're 
accompanied by a Bryn Mawr student. 
At most colleges, this male-to-female ra- 
tio would practically guarantee a young, 
horny guy some action. But here, guys 
have some unexpected competition: 
sexy lesbians who entice even the 


straightest girls over to their side. 

“There was definitely a sexual energy, 
since there were women there who 
would hook up on the dance floor. And | 
felt it, too, since | was dancing around in 
skimpy clothes and dancing with other 


year-old Barnard student with bobbed 
jet-black hair and a slim figure. 

In fact, the desire to experiment with 
women is almost a prerequisite for tak- 
ing full advantage of the social scene at 
these schools. 

“Most straight girls leave campus on 
the weekends,” says blonde and de- 
mure Hailey about Bryn Mawr. “The 
BUGs (bisexual until graduation) and 
LUGs (lesbians until graduation), as well 
as the real lesbians, had a better time, | 
think." 

oue, a sexy Mount Holyoke student 
with dark-brown hair, agrees. "My group 


"| do know some straight girls who 
would never label themselves bi or les- 
bian who have hooked up with other 
girls while drunk, or just as a one-time 
thing," says Nadia. "In those cases, it's 
usually within a circle of friends. A bunch 
of my friends practiced their kissing skills 
by kissing each other one night. Such a 
guys fantasy!" 

Women arent just fooling around with 
other girls for their own pleasure. Smart 
girls know that the quickest way to get a 
guys attention is to ignore him and flirt 
with another girl. On the whole, college 
girls are a lot more comfortable kissing 


women," Charlotte says. 

From a distance, elite all-women's col- 
leges look like stuffy academic environ- 
ments, where staid overachievers live 
and learn in ladylike perfection. 

But behind the regal gates of these 
institutions exists a world full of sex, 
drugs, and empowerment—not to men- 
tion hot girl-on-girl action. Normally, your 
dick disqualifies you for admission, but 
consider this your free pass inside girls’ 
schools: No peeping or panty raids will 
be required. 

While other 18-year-olds set off to ex- 
perience the typical movie-version of 
college life, the women who go to schools 
like Barnard, Mount Holyoke, and Bryn 
Mawr are in for something entirely differ- 
ent. Single-sex dorms, classes, and 
clubs are the norm. Think of it as living in 
one big sorority—or for some, nunnery— 
for four years. 

Although college is a time of sexual 
exploration for many young men and 
women, the sheer amount of estrogen 
on women's college campuses no doubt 
enhances a "when in Rome" attitude. 

"A bunch of straight girls like me have 
dated other girls at some point, partly 
because there were so many awesome, 
interesting girls around—and because 
the environment was so open about les- 
bian relationships," says Nadia, a 21- 


148 PENTHOUSE.COM 


of friends and | would drink in one of the 
dorm rooms, then go to a party," she 
says. “By then, we'd all be tipsy. We 
would be hugging, hanging on to each 
other.... It went from kissing on cheeks 
to mouth to open-mouth kissing." 

In schools where men are scarce, girls 
see their friends in a new light. “| remem- 
ber one night | was sitting on the steps of 
the Campus Center with my best friend," 
Charlotte says. "We had been drinking. 
We were talking about how neither of us 
had kissed a girl, and we were curious. 
So we decided to just do it." 

Although Sue is a self-proclaimed het- 
erosexual, things went further than kiss- 
ing with her female friends more than 
once. "One night [my friend] Lily and | 
were hanging out with Billy, this guy | was 
dating," Sue says. "Lily had hooked up 
with him the year before. 

"That night we were going to go out,” 
she continues. "We took showers, but to 
hurry the process, Lily and | took one to- 
gether. She started washing me and I 
was kinda shocked. Then Billy came in 
and saw us. From there, Lily and | were 
mostly busy with each other. | was com- 
fortable with it because Billy was there." 

That's where the guys really luck out: 
Most of these girls are open to girl-on- 
girl action, but they still hook up with the 
opposite sex. 


each other "just for fun." They also enjoy 
dancing together in a sexually provoca- 
tive manner, and even fooling around in 
public for attention. Charlotte tells me 
that one night at Bryn Mawr, she and a 
female friend were hanging out with a 
male friend from Haverford College. To 
tease him, they started making out. 

Attempting to attract male attention is 
the norm for most young women, but for 
girls sequestered in an all-female envi- 
ronment, the mission takes on a special 
air of importance—horniness mixed with 
not just a little bit of desperation. "At on- 
campus parties, the younger women 
seemed a bit starstruck by the mere 
presence of men," says petite and 
round-faced Emma from Wellesley. 

These guys have all the luck. When 
they're bored with the pickings at their 
own schools, they can head over to girls’ 
schools and find plenty of sex-starved 
females who are ecstatic to see them. 

"| think a lot of boys at Columbia know 
the odds are for them in terms of getting 
a girlfriend or sex,” says Nadia. "When 
the populations of Barnard and Columbia 
undergrad are combined, there are 
many more females than males, and the 
guys know this. If they feel ‘in demand,’ 
then they're even less likely to stick with 
one girl or try very hard to impress one 
specific girl." 


REP 
zz | /7» 


28 | 


Think same-sex 
colleges 

are purely 
aristocratic, 
academic 
institutions? 
Then welcome 
to the real 
world 

of higher 
learning, where 
at night the 
panties come 
off as soon 

as the lights 

go down. 
Come оп in.... 


In the Campus Center, girls dressed in the flimsiest scraps of satin and lace gather to drink and dance. It's the 
annual “Bra Dance,’ a time when oh-so-studious girls cut loose, grinding and gyrating in bacchanalian abandon. 
To your left, there's a pair of C-cups spilling out of a virginal white demi. To your right, a pair of Pamela Anderson— 
size tits are barely contained by two tiny sequined triangles. Straight ahead, a perky set of nipples are covered 
by ... nothing at all. Hello! they seem to say. We've been inside for a while now, but tonight we're busting out! 

No, this isn't a keg party or a wild spring-break activity. It's an annual event at Bryn Mawr, one of the world's most 
prestigious women's colleges—which makes it all the more naughty. 

“ always wore lingerie—a sexy baby-doll cami or a nightie,” Charlotte, a pretty and preppy Bryn Mawr graduate 
tells me. "Straight girls like me dancing with their lesbian friends, enjoying the innuendo and freedom. | was always 
excited and felt like it was a little naughty, but | liked that. It was empowering and a nice way to let loose, since Bryn 
Mawr is one of the most academically rigorous schools out there” 


146 PENTHOUSE.COM 


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TRADING PUNCH LINES WITH COMHEDY'"S BEST 


ou went 
to Columbia undergrad, 
Harvard Law School—and 
then ditched it all to do 
stand-up. What did your 
parents think? 
They were thrilled. They 
encouraged it. It'd been their 
lifelong dream. All along, 
they wanted a son who 
would stand on a milk 
crate in a sports bar, enter- 
taining drunks. 
How did you fit in at 
Harvard? 
| wasnt part of that world, 
really. | lived off-campus. | 
went to law classes, but I 
wasn't a Harvard person per 
se. Although | do say things 
like "per se." 
You wrestled Paul Reiser 
on an early episode of 
Comedy Central's Friday 
Night With Greg Giraldo. 
Did you take him down? 
It started, and then he 
didn't fight back much. It just 
didnt feel fair. 
He's in your weight class, 
though. 
More or less, yeah. Sadly. 
I notice you didn't 
schedule Patrice O'Neal. 
Yeah, I'm not an idiot. You 
don't make it to have your 
own fake show, and then 
wrestle a monster the first 
week out. 
Name a comic we'd be 
surprised to hear you like. 
When | was starting out, a 
guy like Brian Regan—be- 
lieve it or not—who's 
squeaky clean. l'd never 


"I've always said the schools are gas-guzzlers. We're 
wasting our fuel on these kids. We're also 
Wasting a lot of liquid cheese. [I say] put ‘em to work. 
Or maybe we can burn the kids for fuel.” 


seen him before, but I'd 
never seen anything funnier 
live. He was just the funniest 
guy on the planet. 

You recently toured with 


Dave Attell and Dane Cook. 


Any good stories? 
| was sort of changing my 


lifestyle, so to speak—he says, 


with finger quotes: changing 
my “lifestyle.” | actually rented 
motorcycles with a friend of 
mine, and we rode between 
some of the gigs out on the 
West Coast. It was cool, but it 
was a lot more wholesome, 
you know what | mean? 
Hanging with Attell in Vegas is 
not the most wholesome 
approach to life. 

You played Guantánamo 
Bay a few years back as 


part of a USO tour. 
Describe that experience. 

It was hot. It was humid. And 
it got exhausting because we 
just kept driving back and 
forth, as close as we could 
get to the prisoners, singing 


"Hava Nagila" over a bullhorn. 


[Laughs] Did they let you 
visit Cuba proper at all? 
No. Well, that's the whole 
reason we went down there 
in the first place. | mean, I'm 
all for being patriotic, but | 
was mainly going because 

| thought l'd be able to get 
laid for a bar of soap. It 
turned out that we were miles 
and miles away. Guantánamo 
Bay is all the way on the 
southernmost tip. And they 
moved all the whores. 


They kept you separated. 
Yeah, they did. You know 
what was pretty wild? | think 
things with Cuba are pretty 
stable right now. We got 
them kind of right where we 
want them. 

Waiting for Castro to ... 
Yeah. | think Cuba is not as 
much of a threat to us as it 
might have been in the past. 
But they still have the fence- 
line set up, and they still 
have observation posts on 
either side. So you look 
across and you see these 
Cuban dudes just sitting in 
their towers. If you stay in 
those towers enough hours a 
day, you start thinking you 
still are in some crazy war. 
But its like, "Dude, youre in 
a vacation place." It's like 
going to the Caribbean. 

Not the Bay of Pigs or the 
Cuban Missile Crisis. 

No. But apparently, not that 
long ago, they would harass 
each other, back-and-forth, 
across the fences. There 
were these tin-roofed 
barracks that the Americans 
had, and the Cubans would 
throw hangers all night long, 
wire hangers, over the fence 
so they would rattle down on 
top of the tin roofs. That 
would be wild if a nuclear 
Armageddon started with 
some drunk prank. 
Speaking of laughable 
scenarios, in your act, 
you've noted that Georgia 
Governor Sonny Perdue 
had suggested closing 
schools as a way to save 
fuel. Then he actually did it 
for two days last year. 

Why not? l've always said 
the schools are gas- 
guzzlers. We're wasting our 
fuel on these kids. We're also 
wasting a lot of liquid 
cheese. We gotta close 
down the schools and let the 
kids just roam freely. And 
instead of focusing on 
learning to read and write, 
they can focus on coming up 
with a renewable energy 
resource. Put 'em to work. Or 
maybe we can burn the kids 
for fuel. O4—g 


144 PENTHOUSE.COM 


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143 


“Shoes are 
the most 
important 
part of any 
outfit,” Evelyn 
decrees. “| 
keep them on 
even when 
everything 
else comes 
Ol or 
leverage dur- 
ing sex, and 
solcan 

be naked 

in style.” 


142 PENTHOUSE.COM 


L 


"| always 
wear expen- 
sive panties, 
usually silk or 
satin, and | 
love the way 
they feel rub- 
bing against 
me. But 
sometimes 
sheer mesh is 
nice, ‘cause 
when | get 
wet, | can 
enjoy the cool 
breeze.” 


“When there's 
a hot guy 

| want to 
impress, | put 
on a clingy 
red dress,” 
Evelyn contin- 
ues. “Nothing 
makes me 
feel sexier, 
and he'll defi- 
nitely notice 
me—and all 
my curves." 


адуш _ 


“т passionate 
about fashion,” declares 
21-year-old design 
student Evelyn Lory. “I 
never leave the 
house without the perfect 
outfit on, because 
you never know who 
you'll meet.” The 
auburn-haired stunner 
laughs and adds, 

“In fact, | met my last 
boyfriend at 
the post office. He kept 
staring at me in my 
sundress, but I couldn't 
take my eyes 
off his package.” 


Photographs by Viv Thomas 


We're looking for the hottest girls in America. 
Go to PenthouseModels.com 


od gave unto 
Tm tat eat gift, the gift 
of napping. God said unto 
him, You shall spend half 
your day r apping. You shall 
nap in class, in your room, 
and in your friend's room. 
And God said, If you don't 
nap, you won't be able to 
stay up all night drinking. 
And Student said, Nap | 
shall. And it was good. 


C 


THOU SHALT GET 
SICK ALL THE TIME 


Now God said unto 
Student, You must be sick 
all of the time. And Student 
asked, Why? And God 
said unto him, You shall 
share drinks, stay up too 
late, drink too much, and 
make out with people you 
don't know. Therefore, 

God said, You shall be sick 
all year round. But God 
said, Blessed are the sick, 
for they have partied the 
hardest. And it was good. 


THOU SHALT 
WRITE WITTY AWAY 
MESSAGES 


Student asked, But God, 
how will | show everyone 
that | am funny? And God 
said unto him, Thou shall 
write witty away messages. 
God said unto Student, You 
shall never just say you are 
in the shower, you shall 
say you are getting wet 
and wild ... in the shower. 
You shall never say you are 
in class. You shall say you 
are sleeping ... in class. 
God said, If you do not 
write witty away messages, 
| shall smite you. Blessed 
are the funny, for they will 
get many girls to be their 
friends, but never hook up 
with them. And it was good. 


wear a hoodie, for it is a 
useful garment. And you 
shall never wash it, either. 
Student asked God, What 
kind of hoodie should it 
be? And God said, You 
shall own one with your 
school's logo on it, and you 
shall own many others of 
varying colors and creeds. 
And Student was pleased 
and God was pleased, and 
it was good. 


THOU SHALT 
SHIT A LOT 


And Student asked of his 
bathroom habit and God 
told him, Student, you shall 
eat in the cafeteria and 
you shall shit a lot. And it 
will not be good shit. It will 
be the shit of the Devil, 

for your ass shall burn for 
hours. Your school shall 
put laxatives in its food and 
you shall feel its pain. And 
Student began to weep, 
and God said unto him, 
Student, fear not the shit, 
for all your fellow students 
will be experiencing the 
same. And Student dried 
his eyes and thanked God. 
And God told him to use 
wet naps to ease the pain. 
And it was good. 


cafeteria, and 6 iod said unto 
him, You shall eat a lot of 
Easy Mac. It is easy to make, 
and you don't need milk or 
a stove. And Student said 
microwaves were forbidden 
by the R.A. And God said 
unto him, You shall hide the 
microwave under your bed 
with a towel on top. And 
Student asked, What if it is 
discovered? And God told 
him to stop being such a 
pussy. And it was good. 


THOU SHALT 
HOOK UP 


Student then asked of sex. 
And God said, Student, | 
you shall hook up and be 
happy. You shall go home 
with random people every 
weekend and forget about 
them the next day. You shall 
see them at class and be 
awkward amongst their 
company. You shall exchange 
saliva at bars and parties, 
and it will be good. And 
Student became gleeful, but 
God told Student to wrap it 
up because He knows where 
she has been, but Student 
does not. And it was good. 


THOU SHALT JOIN 
A CLUB AND NEVER GO 
TO MEETINGS 


Student inquired of his spare 
time, and God reminded him 
that he should be napping. 
But Student said he wanted 
to do other things. So God 
said unto him, You shall join 
a club at the beginning of 
the semester, but then never 
go to meetings. And Student 
asked why he should not go 
to meetings, and God told 


him, Because the glee club is 


gay. And Student understood 
His wisdom, and it was good. 


will come many a AS when 
you shall wake up in the bed 
of another and not know - 
where you are. You will not 
remember what you did 

last night, and you shall be 
confused. You will see that 
you have nipple rings and 

a tattoo now, and you are 
covered in Sharpie. And 
Student was disturbed by 
this, but God said, You shall 
tell great stories about it 

to your friends someday. 
Student understood, and 
God took a sip of a beer, and 
it was good. 


THOU SHALT 
GAIN WEIGHT 


And Student wished to hear 
the final commandment, 
and God said he would not 
like it. But Student insisted, 
so God said unto him, Thou 
shall gain weight. However, 
God said, you will not buy 
new clothes, so you will wear 
sweatpants a lot. God said, 
Student, you will watch a lot 
of TV and become fat. And 
Student wept profusely. But 
God comforted Student, 
saying, You will still get ass, 
even if you cannot tie your 
shoes anymore. Student 
felt better, and God pointed 
to Student's chest, saying, 
Those will soon be bitch tits. 
And it was good. 


LLERONTAL Е 


posing the World of Entertainment 


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ONTHEDESK 


Has your boss berated 
you in the last week? How 
about in the last 15 min- 
utes? Have you lost any 
appendages in a work- 
related accident? Perhaps 
it just feels that way. In 
other words, does your 
job and your life suck? 
Are you ready to chuck it 
all and walk? 

What aroused these happy 
thoughts is a book that landed 
оп my desk recently. It's 
called Crap Jobs: 100 Tales 
of Workplace Hell (Harper 
Paperbacks). If you think 
you've got it bad, consider 
what it would be like to wake 
up in the morning knowing 
your daily contribution to 


Ir a 


the global economy will 

be inspecting tampons, or 
sweeping up pig guts in a 
slaughterhouse—two of the 
jobs featured in this cheerful 
compendium. 

In an effort to turn lemons 
into lemonade, or liquid pig 
mixture (feet, lips, skin, etc.) 
into canned ham, the book 
got me wondering whether 
bad jobs—which we've all 
suffered through at one time 
or another—might actually 
hold lessons that we can 
apply to our future careers. 

So | placed a call to Dan 
Kieran, the esteemed author 
of Crap Jobs, who lives in 
London and got the idea 
for his book from a bunch 


Of Faith 


of bullshit jobs he held after 
dropping out of college: bank 
clerk, box stacker, hay baler, 
pallet maker, ana, finally, weed 
sprayer. 

Carrying around a 35-liter 
tank of poison on his back 
and being exposed daily to 
lethal carcinogens were the 
least of Kieran's problems 
while doing battle with 
roadside weeds. It was the 
lack of respect that killed him. 
"Four-year-old children ran 
up shouting ‘Ghostbuster!’, 
laughing in my face and 
calling me twat, dickhead, 
etc.," he wrote in his brief but 
instructive manual. 

Kieran, who's now deputy 
editor of The Idler, a British 


By Ralph Gardner Jr. 


start rolling in. "You have to 
be prepared to take a risk," 
Kieran said. "Everybody 
| know who does things 
that they want to do has, at 
some point, made the tough 
decision and said, ‘I'm going 
to turn down the regular 
paycheck.’ " 

That's what happened to 
Kieran and his coworkers 
at The Idler when Tom 
Hodgkinson, their editor-in- 
chief, suggested they punt 
the marketing work that was 
paying the bills. "He said we 
should spend all our time on 
the work that doesn't make us 
any money," Kieran recalled. 
"It sounds completely insane, 
but three years down the line 


“Reading Crap Jobs got me wondering whether bad jobs— 


which we've all suffered through at one time or another—might 
actually hold lessons that we can apply to our future careers." 


> 1 


1 а Г {74 d 
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Y nii 
P a А 
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134 PENTHOUSE.COM 


publication and Website 
devoted to loafing, admitted 
that baling hay and stacking 
boxes gave him time to think. 
What he thought about is that 
one must find a way to work 
for oneself. It wasn't what | 
was expecting when | called 
him, but Kieran launched into 
a not-so-gentle tirade against 
the donkey-and-carrot lifestyle 
so many of us lead. 

“The problem with jobs," 
Kieran said, "is you spend 
all these hours doing what 
you hate. And you've got this 
wonderful consumer society 
trying to entice you with all 
these things you can buy to 
compensate you for doing 
something you hate." 

According to the author, 
it takes two things to strike 
out on your own: balls and 
a willingness to downsize 
your lifestyle until the bucks 


мете all doing books and our 
own projects." 

Marching to your own 
drummer is easier to do if 
you're not addicted to the 
things money can buy or 
carrying around the ball and 
chain of credit-card debt. 

The beauty of working 
in the mail room is that you 
have the freedom to walk. 
"When you have this high- 
maintenance lifestyle you've 
created around your work— 
thats when it's hard to quit," 
Kieran said. 

Ultimately, the most 
important ingredient it takes 
to become your own boss 
and succeed is faith—not 
faith in God or in Powerball, 
but in yourself. ^When you 
take that leap of faith, the 
safety net will appear," Kieran 
promised. "But you've got to 
be prepared to jump."Ot—g 


Illustration by Chris Gall 


player who sits in on games to fill up the tables. While work- 
ing as a dealer at the Seminole Casino in Hollywood, Florida, 
Mizrachi met his queen of hearts: a fellow dealer and poker 
player named Aidiliy Elviro. They now live happily in Florida 
and Las Vegas with their two young children. 

Mizrachi isn't the type to just let his winnings sit in the bank. 
“Гуе bought a lot of jewelry and cars,” he says. "I bought the 
new 2006 M5 BMW. I've got two Navigators, an Impala, and 
a Grand Marquis, just to travel in. | bought an RV bus for six 
months to travel around with the family, but it was too hard 
to drive and too small to live in. So | just bought a house in 
Vegas instead." Mizrachi is more than happy to share his 
good fortune with others. “I’m a very generous tipper,” he 
says. “The bill can be 20 bucks, and I'll give the waitress 
$100 just to see how she!ll react." 

On January 23, 2006, Mizrachi placed second at the 
Gold Strike World Poker Open in Tunica, Mississippi, tak- 
ing home more than half a million dollars. Nine days later, at 
the Borgata Winter Poker Open in Atlantic City, New Jersey, 
Mizrachi reigned supreme over the no-limit hold- ет cham- 
pionship event and won close to $1.2 million, in addition to a 
new Escalade. This was Mizrachis second win on the WPT. 

Mizrachi prefers playing live to online. "I can pick up peo- 
ples body language better when playing live. Online, you 
can only pick up betting patterns," he notes. Mizrachi advises 
potential players to always stay focused and get enough 
sleep before a tournament. "If you're winning, don't stop," he 
says. "But if you're losing, know when to stop." How to really 
learn the game? "Just watch me play." 


Nick Schulman, age 21 

Nick Schulman is the youngest player ever to win a WPT 
event. In November 2005, just two months after his 21st 
birthday, Schulman blew away a field of 782 players to win 
the main event at the Foxwoods 2005 World Poker Finals. 
His final hand against 46-year-old Anthony Licastro ended 
with a flourish (or “flush,” we should say) when Licastro went 
all in on the turn card with two pairs, eights and deuces. 
ochulman, holding a spade flush, called. The river card 
failed to bring Licastro the full house he needed to beat 
Schulman, and the kid from New York City walked away with 
$2.2 million. 

Prior to becoming a professional poker player, Schulman 
was a successful pool player, and he competed in the U.S. 
Open of pool at age 15. He worked part-time as a bike mes- 
senger and a file clerk, and used his spare time to hone 
his aggressive playing style. Schulman played with friends 
in underground poker games and began playing online at 
age 19. After attending Hunter College for a year, Schulman 
dropped out to pursue poker full-time. "When | started, | was 
playing 12 to 13 hours a day,” he says. “It's hard to stay 
in school when you know you can make a living [playing 
poker]." 

But that wasn't always the case. "A year before Foxwoods, 
| was practically out of money,” he recalls. “| was playing 
badly and was unlucky. | was close to quitting and close to 
losing the money | had put aside for poker—l had $150,000 
and was down to a few thousand. | borrowed some money 
from a few people, built it back up again, and paid them 
back." 

ochulman shared some of his winnings with his fam- 
ily and is in the market for a new BMW--althougn living in 
Manhattan, he says, it may be tough to find a parking spot. 

"m more humble than other players, because Im al- 
ways trying to learn," Schulman says. "Poker can be very 
lucrative and fun, but you have to work at it. Lots of people 
are chasing the dream of being a poker player. lt might 
be unrealistic, but then there may be someone out there 
whos destined to be the next great poker player." Og 


GOING ALL IN 


" 


"A 
-5 
- 
- 


For guys whose card experience is limited 
to being the butt of the joke “52 pick-up,” here's 
a quick lesson in Texas hold 'em: 


1. One player starts as the dealer, or "button." 
Play begins to the left of the dealer and continues 
clockwise. The two players to the left must "blind 
bet 一 put money into the pot before they look 

at their cards. 

2. Each player is dealt two "pocket cards” that only 
they can see. Depending on how good a player 
feels his hand is, he can "bet" (put money into the 
pot), "raise" (increase the bet), or "fold" (withdraw 
from the game). 

3. [he dealer then turns over three community 
cards, called "the flop." Each player now has 

a five-card hand. Another round of betting, raising, 
or folding takes place. 

4. [he dealer turns over another community 

card, called "the turn," followed by another round 
of betting. 

5. The remaining community card, "the river," 

is dealt. Players use any five-card combination of 
pocket cards and community cards to formulate their 
best hand. Final betting takes place, and the player 
with the best hand wins. 


When a player calls "all in," he's betting all his chips. 


133 


Erick Lindgren, age 29 

Originally from the small town of Burney, California, Erick 
“E-Dog” Lindgren started gambling on basketball and foot- 
ball at an early age. By age 19, he had his own bookie. “He 
drove a 56 Chevy and would come by and collect. He was 
a scary guy,” Lindgren recalls. 

"| started playing $3 and $6 hold em at a local Indian ca- 
sino in Northern California and started winning right away,” 
he says. "In 1998, | started playing poker on the Internet. | 
had three computers in my bedroom and was playing up to 
eight games at once. | was making pretty good money. At 


constantly working to try to play better.” Lindgren practices 
by playing online and watching a lot of poker on television. 
"My TiVo is full of it,” he says. “1 study the plays just like a 
football coach would watch a game tape.” 

Even when the chips are down, Lindgren keeps a positive 
attitude. “The most | ever lost was a quarter of a million dol- 
lars,” he says. “It happened one night at the Bellagio, play- 
ing a $1,500- to $3,000-limit poker game. When I left that 
night, | only bought myself drinks,” he jokes. “But it didn’t 
really faze me. It's just how the business goes.” 

Lindgren has advice for aspiring poker players: “Win in your 


age 22, | was making over $10,000 a month playing $20 to 
$40 hold 'em. 

“| dropped out of Butte Junior College in my second year,” 
Lindgren reveals. "When | first got into poker, | didn't tell my 
family. But when | dropped out of school to play, they weren't 
too happy—especially during those first years when | was 
struggling. Playing poker, you tend to go broke a lot, but | 
had good friends who helped me out. Then | came to Vegas 
to expand my game." 

His persistence paid off: In December 2002, Lindgren won 
more than $220,000 at the Bellagio Hotel's Five Diamond 
World Poker Classic. Six months later, he took home 
$500,000 from the World Poker Tour Aruba event. In 2004, 
he triumphed over 545 other players to receive the $1 million 
payday on the World Poker Tours PartyPoker.com Million 
cruise to Mexico. "After my victory, we opened up the bar on 
the cruise ship, and | ended up with a $22,000 bill the next 
day!” he recalls. "| had a bottle of Dom in one hand, pouring 
for everybody, and | had another bottle in my other hand that 
| was just drinking out of. It was pretty wild." 

Lindgren, who has an endorsement deal with Knob Creek 
Bourbon and is the author of World Poker Tour: Making the 
Final Table (Collins), has been living in Vegas for the past 
three years. “| bought a million-dollar home there and a 
Cadillac Escalade," he tells us. 

Lindgren plays poker anywhere from zero to 60 hours a 
week. He says, "The one thing that makes me different from 
other players is my work ethic—l've worked very hard to get 
where | am today. Poker is a lazy man's game. It’s really easy 
to blame your losses on bad luck. Sometimes it's hard to tell 
If it's a fluke or if you're just not playing your best game. I'm 


132 PENTHOUSE.COM 


spare time. Don't quit your job—there's never a rush to declare 
yourself a pro. If you can continually win, then you can quit 
your job and just play poker. The game will always be here." 


Michael Mizrachi, age 25 

Nicknamed "the Grinder" for his ability to slowly obtain his 
opponents' chips until there's nothing left, Michael Mizrachi 
has made quite a name for himself in the poker world. The 
Grinder had five first-place finishes in 2005, and although 
he's never made it to the final table in the World Series of 
Poker (the closest he came was 230th out of 5,700 entries), 
he's won the most cash in that series. Mizrachi has raked in 
more than $5 million during his career. In December 2004, 
he won more than $270,000 in the Five Diamond World 
Poker Classic. He placed first out of 538 entrants in the L.A. 
Poker Classic, earning the prize of more than $1.8 million. 
But the thrill of the game is what keeps the Grinder coming 
back for more. 

"You never know how much you're going to win, or even 
if you're going to win,” Mizrachi says. "The traveling, the 
money, and the excitement of the game is what makes it 
so intoxicating. It's a mind game, and | get a thrill out of it. | 
can manipulate the other players through my style of betting 
and how l'm playing. | can talk them into doing things | want 
them to do." 

At age 15, Mizrachi started playing cash games with 
his three brothers. He gave up on college because play- 
ing poker all night prevented him from making it to class in 
the morning. He worked for a short time as a busboy and a 
waiter at a local Bennigan's before parlaying his poker skills 
into a job aboard a cruise ship as a dealer and a “prop” —a 


They're usually single. They don't hold college degrees. Some By Sharon 
of their résumés are so thin, you can practically see through Ghester-Taxin 
them. Forgoing the conventional route to earning a living, these 
young men decided to take a gamble, and it paid off—big-time! Photographs 
Each of these three has earned million-dollar paydays, all with hy Michael 
a mere turn of a card. They're professional poker players, and Murphee at the 
their game of choice is Texas hold 'em. Borgata 
Whether it's straight, stud, or even strip, no one can deny that 
poker has been a part of our culture for a very long time. "Calling 
ones bluff," “upping the ante," and "poker face" are part of the 
American lexicon. But who would have thought the nickel-dime 
poker games you played in your parents’ basement would trans- 
millionaires form into regularly televised events drawing millions of viewers 
hefore all over the world? Poker terms like "flop," “turn,” "river," and “all 
the age in" are becoming commonplace in homes across the country. 
of 30. HOW Poker has gained unprecedented popularity and prestige in 
did they recent years. This is due in part to the fact that Texas hold 'em is 
acquire so simple to learn that almost anyone can play. Moreover, with 
their vast the abundance of Internet poker sites, games can be played 
wealth? anytime, anywhere. What's even more alluring is that you don't 
The have to be a proto play with one. Anyone who pays the entrance 
old-fashioned fee (called a “buy-in”) can play in a Texas hold 'em tournament 
way—playing and try his or her hand at winning $1 million. Although buy- 
poker. ins for high-stakes tournaments can be costly, ranging from 
$10,000 to $25,000, the winners of "satellites"—less expensive 
tournaments—played live and online are awarded a buy-in to 
the main event. 
Poker tournaments became a big draw in Las Vegas with 
the birth of the World Series of Poker at Binion's Horseshoe in 
1970. But the games recent spurt in popularity is due to the 
use of hole-card cameras, which allow viewers at home to see 
each player's hand. World Poker Tour Enterprises was the first 
to use the cameras in nationally televised U.S. tournaments. 
The World Poker Tour TV series, which broadcasts 17 of the 
biggest tournaments around the world, is currently in its fourth 
season. WPT, with $100 million in prize pools up for grabs, is 
the highest-rated show on the Travel Channel. 


Grooming: Neil Wilson 


130 PENTHOUSE.COM 


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128 PENTHOUSE.COM 


lot of ball games. Without 
Alex Rodriguez, the Yankees 
still do what they did. 

Since becoming a Red Sox 
starter, you’ve led the 
league in hit batsmen 
(2004) and finished third 
last year. If you went to the 
National League, where 
you would have to bat, 
would those figures 
change? 

Honestly, in the last two 
years l've only hit two people 
on purpose. And A-Rod 
wasn't one of them. My life 
wouldn't change at all [with 
that switch] because for the 
most part, it's guys getting 
accidentally hit on fastballs 
on the inner-half, or breaking 
balls that hit lefties’ legs. 
Last year you were 
suspended for six games 
after hitting two Tampa Bay 
Devil Rays batters, the 
second time clearly in 
retaliation for brushbacks 
to Manny Ramirez and 
David Ortiz in the previous 
inning. After the game you 
said, "If the situation calls 
for it, | have no problem 
protecting guys on my 
team." How early in his 
career does a pitcher learn 
that fact of baseball life? 
By the time you get to [the] 
Major Leagues, you better 
have learned it, especially if 
youre playing with a team 
that has superstars like Ortiz 
and Ramirez. The only way 
to gain respect from your 
teammates and manager is 
to do the right thing, even if 
you don't want to. 


Your high leg kick is pretty 
old-school. Is it an homage 
to legendary Red Sox 
pitcher Luis Tiant? 

No. | started doing that 
completely unconsciously at 
an early age, probably six or 
seven years old. | didn't even 
realize my leg kick was 
different from other guys' 
until | graduated high school 
and was in the rookie league 
with the Pirates. | watched 
myself on film and | was like, 
Wow, my leg kick is a little 
different. As the years have 
gone on, more and more 
people comment on it. 

Like Andy Pettitte and Greg 
Maddux, you are con- 
sidered very good at 
defense and holding 
runners on base. Is there 
too much stress these 
days on power pitching 
and not enough emphasis 
on defense, placement, 
movement, andühe overall 
craft of pitching? 
Especially in the minor 
leagues, people worry about 
the radar gun too much. 
Once you get to the big- 
league level, it depends on 
what organization youre in. 
With the Red Sox, they don't 
worry about velocity. They 
just want a zero on the 
board, and they dont care 
how you do it. When | was 
with Pittsburgh, a lot of times 
they were worrying about 
whether you were throwing 
92 or 93 miles per hour. If 
you were throwing 88 miles 
per hour, they didn't feel like 
you were as effective. So, 
yeah, | definitely feel like 
there's too much emphasis 
on people's velocity. 

The 2005 World Series 
champs, the Chicago White 
Sox, put an emphasis on 
starting pitching and 
complete games. Former 
pitching greats Tiant and 
Tommy John insist that 
pitchers get stronger by 
pitching more innings, not 
fewer. What do you think 
about that? 

| tend to agree with a lot of 
the old-timers. | think our 
bodies can handle more 
than they give them a 
chance to. Га definitely love 
to take the ball one day and 
have my manager tell me, 
"You got nine no matter what, 


and you can throw 300 
pitches because we got 
nobody left in the pen." But 
those days are likely gone. | 
think they probably protect 
us a little more than they 
should. Though sometimes, 
when it gets to a certain 
point in the game, it doesn't 
mean you cant get 
someone. [It means] you 
have lights-out fresh arms in 
the pen that can close out a 
game. 

Looking at the A.L. East 
this year, the Toronto Blue 
Jays appear to have 
improved with the ac ui- 
sitions of Bengie Molina, 
Troy Glaus, and A. J. 
Burnett. The Yankees also 
didn't sit still. Your Red 
Sox added Josh Beckett to 
a staff with you, Matt 
Clement, Tim Wakefield, 
and possibly Curt Schilling. 
How's that division going 
to look this year? 

| don't think anyone is 100 
percent sure what the Red 
Sox are going to look like. | 
think Beckett's going to be 
one or two in the order. He's 
definitely an ace when he's 
healthy. | think a lot will 
depend on how healthy 
ochilling is coming into 
spring training. Overall, | feel 
like our pitching staff has 
kept pace with anybody in 
the league. 

In the National League, 
how ’bout those Mets? 
[Mets general manager] 
Omar [Minaya]—he's not 
scared to spend some 
money. He's showing his 
people—his team and his 
employees— Hey, I'm going 
to go out and do the right 
thing, and I'm trying to win— 
not save money.” | 

think thats what made him 
attractive to guys like Pedro 
Martinez. He's showing that 
hes willing to sacrifice for 
some wins. 

And look how much fun 
Pedro is having. Do you 
talk to him much? 

No. | love Pedro to death. It's 
just that there's certain guys 
you re tight with and you'll call 
when they go to another 
team, and theres certain guys 
you won't. Pedro was never a 
super-mingler away from the 
field. He's kinda on his own 
program.O4—g 


bastards” together? No 
wonder he's a writing genius. 
Other athletes, like Bernie 
Williams, Alexi Lalas, and 
Shaquille O'Neal, have 
recorded albums. Do you 
mind yours being lumped 
into the category of 
“athlete vanity project”? 

It doesn't bother me. | realize 
the opportunities | have 
because | play in a Red Sox 
uniform. On the other hand, 
I'm kind of glad people want 
to doubt me because | hope 
they listen and change their 
minds. Part of the reason 
why | play stripped-down 
acoustic sets is so you can 
better hear my vocals and 
my guitar. 

You've gained legitimate 
music cred performing 
vocals on the song 
“Tessie” by the Dropkick 
Murphys. | don't think 
anybody wants to fuck with 
them, do they? 

[Laughs] They're definitely a 
rough group from Boston, 
man. Those guys get active 
onstage. | really dig their 
stuff. 

You've also branched out 
into television, with two TV 
credits to your name. 
Which are you prouder of: 
I Love the 80s 3-D or The 
47th Annual Grammy 
Awards? 

Honestly, I’m not proud of 
either one of them. | havent 
even seen the / Love the 80s 
thing, but l'm sure it's not that 
good. The only people | see 
on there that are funny are 
the comedians. 

How are you dealing with 
the groupie aspect of rock 
stardom? 

Baseball is basically the 
same way. There's always 
people around who want to 
hang out with you. | play it 
pretty low-key. | go out and 
have a good time, but you 
got to keep things in 
perspective, man. | go home 
where | grew up, Florida— 
where | live now. It's a nice 
little redneck town, and it 
always gets my feet back on 
the ground. 

How would the Red Sox 
feel about you making 
another album? 

Probably not real thrilled. 
[Laughs] | think they don't 
mind me doing the music as 


long as it's not getting too 
big. Last season, some of 
our management thought | 
was dedicating too much 
time to playing shows. These 
guys pay my bills, so ... 

The Red Sox organization 
has changed a lot since 
winning the 2004 World 
Series. How much would 
you have missed [general 
manager] Theo Epstein? 

If he hadn't come back in 
some capacity, | think 
everyone would have missed 
him hugely. He brings an 
element to the general 
manager [position] that | 
dont think baseball has ever 
seen—a guy that young and 
in touch with the players’ 
wants and needs. For him 
not to be around would have 
been a detriment to the 
organization. I'm glad he's 
back. 

Which will be weirder: 
seeing Johnny Damon in a 
Yankees uniform, or seeing 
him with a shave and a 
haircut? 

For me it would have to be a 
Yankees uniform, because 
l've seen him with a shave 
and short hair since he was 
in high school, then with 
Kansas City and Oakland. 
But nobody's ever seen him 
in pinstripes. That's definitely 
gonna be weird. 

Will the clean look hurt 
Damon's career? 

| find it hard to believe he will 
find the same status in the 
city of New York that he had 
here in Boston. 

How well do you think his 
naked pull-ups will go over 
in the Yankees clubhouse? 
[Laughs] You know, l'd say 
they're probably not gonna 
go over very well. But after 
talking with Alan Embree and 
Mark Bellhorn last year [both 
of whom played for the 
Yankees in 2005], they say 
its not quite as stiff over 
there as you think it would 
be. 

In 2004, you went with 
cornrows. What do you 
think about dress codes in 
professional sports? 

I'm not real fond of them, but 
| understand there's a time 
and place for everything. We 
have to wear suits a lot of the 
time on the plane, and if it 
was up to me, l'd wear a 


torn-up pair of jeans and a 
Kurt Cobain T-shirt. 

Are you political? 

No, man. | dont really like to 
talk about politics or religion 
because | really don't give a 
shit about either one of them. 
Right now, there are only 
four position players left 
from Boston's 2004 
championship team. What's 
that about? 

From my point of view, it's 
about a miscommunication 
between the front office and 
the players, and a little bit 
about egos. Its people 
butting heads and not 
wanting compromise. 
Would Epstein have 
handled the Damon 
situation differently? 

| don't know, because Theo 
was there for a reason—to 
save the team some money 
when he could. But | feel like 
Johnny probably would've 
stuck around a little longer 
had Theo not resigned, even 


if just out of respect for Theo. 
What do you think of the 
Florida Marlins selling off 
their stars and clearing 
their payroll? 

Its something sad in 
baseball that you dont like to 
see. Everything always 
comes down to the dollar bill. 
You know, it's good for the 
fans to see those same 
players year after year. When 
teams are having fire sales 
just to save money, it's tough 
to swallow. 

Who deserved last year's 
A.L. MVP award? 

Without question, | would've 
given it to David Ortiz. Alex 
Hodriguez's numbers overall 
were probably a smidgen 
better, but if you're taking the 
guy who is the most valuable 
player in the league because 
he's the most valuable player 
to his team ... You know, 
from the seventh inning on, 
without David Ortiz, the 
Boston Red Sox don't win a 


127 


different 
from 
other 

ys 
une I 
was in 

the 


rookie 


league 


with the 
Pirates.” 


126 PENTHOUSE.COM 


Born in Key West, Florida, 
and named after Hollywood 
tough guy Charles Bronson, 
Bronson Arroyo was 
earmarked tor special things 
from the start. Though he's 
never made anybody's All- 
Star team, Arroyo drew 
national attention two years 
ago as a charter member of 
the “idiots” Boston Red Sox 
team that won the hearts and 
minds of baseball fans 
everywhere. Amid that 
hirsute mob of Johnny 
Damon, Jason Varitek, and 
Kevin Millar, the lanky six- 
foot-five right-hander 
fashioned his own statement 
of quirk, sporting cornrows 
and delivering pitches with 
an eye-catching, Rockettes- 
style leg kick. It didn't hurt 
his popularity with Boston 
fans that year when he 
plunked Alex Rodriguez 
(unintentionally, Arroyo 
claims) at Fenway Park, 
setting off a bench-clearing 


brawl that included Varitek 
delivering a catcher's-mitt 
sandwich to A-Rod's face. 

Indeed, Arroyo was 
perfectly suited for the Island 
of Misfit Ballplayers that was 
the 2004 Sox. He toiled for 
nine years after being 
drafted out of high school in 
rural Brooksville, Florida, by 
the Pittsburgh Pirates, 
shuttling up and down 
through the organization as 
an unremarkable middle 
reliever. In 2003, the Red Sox 
picked him up on waivers 
and tried to make him a 
starter. That strategy paid 
dividends on August 10, 
2003, when Arroyo, pitching 
for the Sox Triple-A affiliate, 
the Pawtucket Red Sox, 
spun the fourth nine-inning 
perfect game in the 121-year 
history of the International 
League. As the fifth starter for 
the Red Sox in 2004, Arroyo 
won ten games, figuring in 
six games of their legendary 
postseason run. Last year he 
improved to 14-10. He heads 
into 2006 as a 29-year-old 
with six years of major-league 
experience whose best years 
may lie ahead. 

Arroyo is also chock-full of 
interesting off-field attributes. 
He released a surprisingly 
well-received CD, featuring 
his gravelly baritone takes on 
hits from the Foo Fighters, 
Stone Temple Pilots, Goo 
Goo Dolls, and others. Some 
of the original artists even 
played on the album with 
him. Truth be told, it ain't 
bad. In the off-season Arroyo 
toured extensively, sharing 
the stage with acts like 
Kanye West, Gavin DeGraw, 
and Howie Day. Rock-star 
turn aside, Arroyo likes 
nothing more than to spend 
time in his hometown of 
Brooksville—where he lives 
with his wife, Aimee, during 
the off-season—and pick at 
his guitar on the front porch 
with family and friends. 

Considering all of base- 
ball's current issues— 
steroids, the big-market/ 
small-market gulf, a doofus 
commissioner—we thought it 
would be nice to start the 
2006 season with a breath 
of fresh air. Bronson Arroyo: 
just a good ol' boy, never 
meanin' no harm. 


Since you were named 
after Charles Bronson, why 
do some call you Brandon 
Arroyo? 

[Laughs] Yup, some people 
like to call me Brandon. | 
took the Brandon thing from 
Alex Rodriguez as a 
backhanded compliment. 
But, you know, we've had our 
quarrels, so it's no big deal. 
What's A-Rod got against 
Charles Bronson? 
Probably nothing. | guess 
he's got a little something 
against me. 

Your CD, Covering the 
Bases, is a recording of 12 
mostly late-nineties 
grunge-rock hits, with you 
doing vocals. What's more, 
you have an all-star studio 
band backing you. Can you 
describe the experience of 
singing Alice in Chains' 
"Slide" with the band's 
bassist, Mike Inez, playing 
behind you? 

| tell you what, being an Alice 
in Chains fan and watching 
MTV Unplugged for so long, 
it was an honor working with 
Mike. Later on | had a show 
in Santa Monica, [Califor- 
nia,] and he and | did an 
acoustic set together. Mike 
actually used a bass guitar 
he put in his closet and 
hadn't touched since [Alice 
in Chains lead singer] Layne 
[Staley] died. It's the one 
that says, "Friends dont let 
friends give friends haircuts." 
It was awesome, man. 
Novelist Stephen King has 
a spoken-word cameo 
during your cover of the 
Foo Fighters’ “Everlong.” 
How did that come about? 
Stephen was a big Red Sox 
fan and had just finished 
writing a front-to-back diary 
of the 2004 season. So we 
asked him if he wanted to be 
on the record. He said he'd 
listen to it, and if it sounded 
like shit, he wasn't going to 
be on it. But he loved it and 
wrote two parts for it. It’s 
probably one of my favorite 
things on the whole album. 
What's he like? 

Hes a little strange, | think. 
When | talked to him, he 
said, "I just love working on 
this record, man. | think it's 
gonna sell like mad 
bastards.” Who ever thought 
to put the phrase “mad 


AMERICAN LEAGUE 
НАР | 


A Conversation With Bronson Arroyo 


Now that 
the Red Sox are 


two years 


and several 
players removed 
from their 
epochal World 
Series victory, 
the team 

stands at a 
crossroads, 
facing a number 
of tough 
questions. 
Penthouse's Dave 
Hollander 
talked with 

one of the stars 
of that 
championship 
team and 

asked 

all of them. 


124 PENTHOUSE.COM 


The Foo Fighters’ drummer, 


has a brand-new band and 


a snazzy list of favorite music. 


UT Dum 
пя ку 
AS Ya 
09 Майы А 
ма ` m x 
, a = yt - j с, 
+». ^» A. 


Truth, by Jeff Beck 


Jeff Beck was God, not [Eric] Clapton. 


And Rod Stewart was cool ... if you can 
imagine that. 


Queen, by Queen 
The beginning of greatness. 


Superunknown, 
by Soundgarden 
One of the last good math-rock records. 
*Cortez the Killer," 
by Neil Young 
[Crazy Horse] was the greatest, sloppiest 
band of all time, and Neil is a genius. But 
who cares what | have to say anyway? 
Cherry Pie, by Warrant 
Just kidding. 


Check out the debut record from 


By Rebecca Swanner 


Now Here Is Nowhere, 
by Secret Machines 
One of the bright futures of rock. 


I Should Coco, by Supergrass 
Beach Boys on speed. Wait ... they 
probably were on speed. 


Eagles: Their Greatest Hits 
(1971-1975), by the Eagles 
Reminds me of driving with my mother as 
a child. It's music's version of comfort food. 
“Supper’s Ready,” by Genesis 
Totally, ridiculously awesome and 
lame, all at the same time. 
Bitches Brew, by Miles Davis 
Some of the weirdest and most 
beautiful music ever made. 


out now. 


COLLECTOR OF THE MONTH 


Glenn Danzig is best known for fronting the Misfits in their hey- 
day, singing “Mother” when he went solo, and scaring people. 
But did you know he runs his own comics company and used to 
party with comics legend Jack Kirby? Of course you didn't! 


When did you start collecting? 
| was collecting since | was a little 
kid. Before Samhain or Danzig real- 
ly made it, | used to sell Japanese 
toys and Golden Age comic books. 
That's how | financed some of the 
old Misfits 45's. 

Did you ever dress up as a 
comic character for 
Halloween? 

My friends and | didn't really have a 
lot of money back then to buy cos- 
tumes. | think | stole someone's 
Batman mask. 

Nice. What comics do you 
read? 

| used to read GloomfCookie. | like 
Promethea, and | like Klarion the 
Witch-boy. He was the secondary 
character in a series that Jack Kirby 
started called The Demon. 

What do you think of Kirby's 
work? 

| loved Jack Kirby when | was a kid. 
| got to meet him and hang out with 


him when | first moved to California. 
What was that like? 

It was great. He and his wife 
became my surrogate East Coast 
family. When you move [to Los 
Angeles] from the East Coast, it's 
like culture shock. Га hang out with 
them, and look through artwork and 
hear stories. | could stay there till 
two in the morning. 

| read once that you went to 
Marvel with your own comics. 

| think it was when the Misfits first 
started. | brought the artwork there 
and never heard anything from 
them. Later on, | saw all my layouts 
and designs being used on other 
comics. lt pissed me off, and | never 
applied to the company again. 
What’s the comics-based 
movie you're directing about? 
Turn-of-the-century New Orleans 
voodoo. It's packed full of zombies, 
and there's a ritual where a girl has 
simulated sex with a snake. 


17