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Package. Talk about hung! Armando
wasroci-hard and thick. couldn't
wait for himto fill me up. reached
down and strokedhima few times
before pushing him backontothe
bed. Ikneit between his legs and
struggled to take his cock in my
mouth, but theeffort was well worth
it Once! started gliding my lips.
upanddownhis shaft and massaging
his balls he letouta low moan.
felt his excitement escalating and
backed off. Im not usually selfish, but.
this trip was about me-and noone
deserved satisfaction morethan did.
Iclimbedup on the bed next to him,
gotupon my knees, and said, "You
know what | want!" Armando knelt
behind me and slowly rocked his way
into my pussy.
lowered my head and propped
тузе! up on my forearms. Armando
worked his thick cock all the way
inand paused, allowing meto get
accustomed to his girth. Не was
sothoughtfull couldn't stand t.
reallyneeded him to fuck me, and
‘dneverdone anything like this | onwhatto expect. sol was prepared. just when wasaboutto screamat
before, butafter discovering Iwas attracted to Armandoandwe Mr, Considerate to get moving, he
that Joe, mynow-ex-boyfriend, — | werebothafter the same thing. This grabbed my waist and really started
hedcheatedonme-notonce,but | wasmycuetoeither move forward or slamming his cock into me. The
three times—Ibookeda fast trip toa moveon. Imadeeye contactwith him bed squeaked andmy entire body
Caribbean island my girlfriends have | and said pointedly." кето doit from rocked back and forth with each
beenravingaboutforyears.From | behind powerful stab, | pushedbackto meet
theoutrageousstoriestheytoldme, | "Thenithinkwe are going to havea him thrust for thrust, thrilled by the.
Ineededthekindofdistracionthis really good time." he said. "Your place sensations building in me. Even when
island offered. or mine? the sex had been good between Joe
One beachin particular has a My heart pounded in my chest as ‘and me, it had never foit this good,
repfordrawingtouriste—singleor | !quickly led Armandoover the hot. Andit wasn'tjust because Armando.
not-whoare out forafling.Withthat | sand back tomy vila. Assoonashe wasa stranger with a thick cock.
Inmind, as soonasIgottomyseaside | shutthedoor,helaidadevastating Armando knew how to usehis tool,
villa, changedinto my swimsuit and | kisson me, overtaking my lips and ‘andhetouchedme in places Joe
headedforthebeach.lhadntbeen | tongue. We stopped long enough never did.
there five minutes when а waiter tostrip off our swimsuits and when Suddenly the level of pleasure
brought me amojitoand pointed Hooked up, Armando was staring at was more than! could handleandi
toward the bar. There was orlyone — | mewithahungerlhade't seen on my toppedout.|screamed and slammed
mansittingthere,andhewasjust | ex-boyfriend'sface inmonths. backagainst him, enjoying my sweet
whatthe doctor ordered, "Vouarea very beautiful woman." release. Armando stroked deep into
accepted the drinkandeyedthe hesaidashe reached out to cup my me several more times before pulling
thirtysomething Latino with barely | breasts.Inturn.Icasually lowered out and erupting all over my ass.
concealed lust. He had olive skin, dark | my eyes tocheckoutArmando's Thenit was аше!—по groaning, no
еуез, and longhair pulled back ina. moaning, and no squeaking bed- just.
volvera meda oin. ENT peste ары
himtomaenausyoveromyensia. AND BACKED OFF. Armando bouncing hom y.
Amandi Would oat some T SU ILL perio N
тру? d
m me event TEB TRIPWASABOUT.— атаан
Iitecandwewaradupathsone ME—AND NOONE a out ro erede.
Dutingalulinthecomversation, | DESERVED ee er
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antena ааа | MORE THAN I DID. rer
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Animation Nation
TV
Headofthe
Family
Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane is an equal-opportunity offender
who has managed to piss off both the FCC
and the guys behind South Park. No wonder he's our kind of guy.
ow te fuckdoyouget
H7
pedophita rape nca,
Taciam, ana religion an prime me?
Wels se. you e aaa
khon ihe madian alm ociosa
sey aot nore bectose er
roteporicuarfaceataced to
eucan ire apartonwnoisnrt
fel ardertomakeananimated
Character a target
What line from Family Guy got the
most negativereaction?
Wedid an episode where Peter Griffin
gets upset becausehe learns that his
sonisbetter endowed than he в. That
episode raised eyebrows with the
FCC. Infact, they even investigated tt
Your tax dollars at work.
!can understand what inspired
you to create Family Guy.
But what'stheinspiration behind
American Dad?
Wecreatedthat show at the height
of the shift into the conservative
darkages thatwe'relivingin right
now.Itemerged out of alot of
dismay with the way Bush was
running this country into the ground.
Wethought, whatbetter way
toshed some ight on that than
tocreate acharacterwho epitomizes
the current state of conservative
right-wing madness that's spoiling
alot of America? Stanisan extreme
version of that point of view.
But there isa lot of truth in there,
hopefully
What better way to make friends.
withthe FCC?
Exactly!
Doesbeing the Family Guy guy ever
backfire? Afterall, it's по! Ке you
до out of your way toportray women
ina positive light.
Ihaven' gotten slapped in the face
yet, but | supposeif I traveled to the
\essumousscon
heartland witha T-shirt saying who I
am, would probably get tarred
and feathered,
Let'stalkabout Matt Stoneand Trey
Parker. Last year they dedicated two
episodes of South Parkto accusing
Family Guy of plagiarism and having
poor writing and interchangeable
Jokes. Could they be threatened by
your success?
Obviously. it's great thing for our
show when South Park pays that
much attention tous. We share lotof
the same audience, whether they like
Guys cash Peter воан
og aran талдаш Stewie,
(ino sounds alot ixo Briano.
p"-— nend
Gen ошту.
thatornot.Forthemto devote two
entire half-hour episodes to Family
Guyis fantastic for us.| wish could
return the favor, just don't know how
we would top it
Soyouhave no plans of answering
their criticism via Family Guy?
“here may be alittle wink or anod
‘orsomething, But certainly not two
entire episodes,
in one episode of Family Guy, Peter
Griffin refers to Penthouse as—
Thenudie magazine of record!
Exactly. Why dol get the feeling that
Peter doesn't read the articles?
You would be surprised. Peter is
acomplex guy. He probably goes
straight for the tits, but he might get
totheeditorial eventually.
So you're nostranger tothe pages of
Penthouse yourself?
Hove alinakedness! As akid, really
didn't discriminate. | was happy for
whatever i couldget my hands on.
Onaserious note, you weresche-
duled tofly on one of the 9/11 jets that
crashed into the World Trade Center.
‘Yeah. had badinformation from
my travelagentthattold methe
plane was due toleave at 8:15 inthe
‘morning, wheninfacttieft at 7:45. On.
top of that. was very, very hungover.
Iwas running about an hour
‘So sometimes alcohol can save lives.
‘Yes, alcohol saves lives!
Did that change your life in terms of
your belief inahigher power?
Shoot me if that ever happens! Пат
the furthest thing from religious. 'm.
alogicguy. believe in science. Carl
Sagan hadoneofmyfavoritequotes
when he aid, "We're significance
junkies," We attach significance to
every single thing in our lives. We
need to feel that something was
meantto be. It's a lot of horseshit!'ve
missed other flights. This is not the
firstflight missed for being alittle too
party-hearty the night before.
Does the quality of female compan-
lonship change when you have afew
hit showsunder your belt?
It depends what you mean by quality.
Flputit this way: You can always sniff
‘out the ones who are diggingfor gold.
Ifthe gitlis hot and willing to put out,
what do you care?
Insome ways! guess you'reright:1
mean, who the hellare we kidding
here? Yes, it's easier for me to get
laid понов
“I love all nakedness!
Asakid, | really
didn't discriminate.
| was парри for
Whatever | could get
my hands on.”
y s =
t
Directors’ Cut J
James WanandRob Zombie bı
Rob Zombie wasn't surehe wanted
to remake John Carpenter's 1978 the dir
slasher classie, till he came up witha the other
fresh take: focusing on the prev he believes
Myers asa char
psychopath.” Aiming for
mbie
hild
'amental hospital, and he hopes
iences will find them particularly
лат even matte
19 back the seventies for your viewing pleasuré.
i? ^
The Splat Pack (a term coined by Fota Film critic Alan
Jones)isbringing some balls back to horror.
p
петог Dogs.
Mosis Rob Zombie tab
onHaðoweentaies the series
backto m beginning.
‘with Leigh Wanne.
Daren ym Bousman wrote
‘rected Saw i above) ond
Alexandre Ala wrote and
Ses remake Coming uo еа
таром атто лао
By Daniel Nemet-Nejat.
[The Splat Pack
leader provides a
viewing list for horror
beginners, and a syllabus
foraficionados.
made of skeletons, te sound
lesion and noka so creepy
[rore ota remake ot he Tang
тэл The Th reme] DEATH SENTENCE
Kevin Bacon Kelly Preston
„me Ererchtwan o cara For Death Sentence, director James
ME MM Won says he wanted to create "a
Jick muntnsne was possessed. [i romerorar carna movies seventies-style character drama
tvOne nea utl ere soto эмт кене. witha modern action-thriller edge.”
frisst morenen Шьдолтеоуоуоисалоыауа Thefilmisabouta suburban dad
люк ене" romaine: (Bacon) whose son falls victim toa
nesenontoancther withthe ‘gangland slaying. Dad's retalatory
A A ilingsetsoffaviolentchainof.
s morerunedma" Беноа nima events that puts hm ona colision
TA ‘course with the dead thug's brother
rows someone Merten Терон sone (Garrett Hedlund),
brea marmo ашығы Wan kept the thrills old-school.
Prat wera scone wih thebes Duringthe climactic scene, Bacon
— ae is chased by the gang through
олы сез aleyways andbuldings, then into
ata отоого оп kamarvot атан: ‘parking garage. inorder to create
АНЫН РА real-time suspense, Wan wanted
erect ондон the camera to follow Kevin through
Jucha weranim tea, ка the different levels of the parking
[енуше mine structure, and also to find the gang—
|a musical та weird way The allinone shot. We choreographed
LL 2755 and practiced for three days andit
کک took an entire day to film We passed
Stay damian e thecamerafromone operator to
алые caren mron another We oven had tw guys on
وہ چچ ری می ایدپ می cranes outside so | could get the
тл
shotto driftintothedifferentievels
Theresuitisa chase scene that's
raw and realistic continues Wan,
‘One thing really wantedforall
Dassen the action scenes was a sense of
bolt heway he shat та gut-wrenching fear. Its Ikea horror
lenses thortesesab iy say movieofa different kind."
сны tee A suburban dad's
recta War eek we тъ) споса тоя
Т | retaliatory killing sets
панаа асо оте | offa violent chain of
ET ESE | events that puts him on
semestre amana meas» | A COllision course with
тела Шала | the dead thug's brother.
FLICKS
IN THE SHADOW OFTHE MOON
Ten Apollo astronauts
This documentary takes you
moment by momentthrougha lunar
mission, with the Apollo excursion
servingasits centerpiece, as director
David Sington achieves his goal of
allowing the astronauts to tell their
tale intheirown words. It's not the
most original approach, but the
details here really stand out: exploring
the story that thehistoric1969 moon
landing was seconds from being
aborted; Buzz Aldrin's confession
thathe tooka leak while waiting to
take his giant leap for mankind; the
mid-game announcement ona Major
League scoreboard that simply read,
They're on the тооп”; а prepared
speech by President Nixon in case the
men got stuck there. And while the
footage from inside the shuttle—the
appearanceof the earth's curved
horizon, the descent tothemoon-is
breathtaking, the images you'll carry
away with you are the close-ups of the
now-elderly astronauts, their faces
lighting up as they recall the wonder
and majesty of outer space. From the
opening minutes, when Mike Collin
the Apollo N astronaut who nes
left the spacecraft—talks about "two
moons,” theonevisiblefrom earth
andthe one he saw up close, you're
drawn into thelr experiences, Sington
relies heavily on archival footage
andtalking-head interviews (Neil
Armstrongis absent, and it's nice to
see the focus on some of the others),
and along the way he recaptures a
bitofthe awe people used to feel
po
at the mere mention of the space
pprogram.—Danie/Nemet-Nejat
ose-upsol hero elderly
Болла their aces nanena
фозепноадон.
‘Summer movies are all about leaving real life at the
door, Previews by Barbara Rice Thompson
IRs another udato on man
‘0f me Body Snatchers with
aman nea psychiatrist who
ats mantestng a
pandemic seas, and les BALLS OF FURY
Dan Fogler.
Christopher Walken
eres sowethinktha agire.
t BROTHERS
SOLOMON
RUSHHOURS Will Amett, Will Forte
Jackie Chan,
Chris Tucker
Mis Rush ношоди злата
time the boys take onthe
Chinese mad we they rein
Pare Ti shouisroschnen.
heights of тыста,
THE KING OF KONG
Billy Mitchell, Steve Wiebe
rase ue v UNC. There.
ire some тм eic vasi
sorti story bu rone has
captured our magination le
‘hiss try great under»
athletes ao ingesting ao
alfenated soda andenergy
QURE а!
West
SUPERBAD.
Jonah Hil,
Michael Cora
Seth Rogen and Evan
Goldberg's adolescent
musings have made it into
Superbad, the smartest,
funniest, and raunchiest
coming-of-age story
to hit screens in years.
a
DVDS
туоной®
These newbie series proved themselves to be TiVo-worthy,
but if you missed the boat, it's time to catch up.
eroescuichybecame — | on Saturday hte we il
„= Spectnihäeroustunasanetwork
чанкоо Ga (2) Tnafeyprovesonceagan
mutations Tesewprordedine | vare great especialy WilAmettas
points ofthe season—not to mention Jackin "Fireworks": (5) ithadthe
the most quotablettaglines—andthe best running gagon TV, with
interwoven and bisecting storylines RacheiDratch (who was originally
made for intriguing conversation supposed to beone of the show's
оп Tuesday mornings. Plus, props stars)appearingin'episodesasten
tothepowersthatbefortheleap- | different characters.
into-the-future episode, "Five Years If you've ever wondered whether
Gone," which initially sounded ikelt ^ thoseCS/dudescould hide their
was goingtobeacompletewaste owndirty work,checkoutour
of time butended up belngoneof other favorite new way tokillan
our faves.And even the less-than- hour—Showtime's serial-kiler drama,
satisfying finale was a hell ofa lot Dexter, which is about much more
offunto discuss. than a serial killer. Michael C. Hall's
Anothernew drama, Friday Night forensicexpervigilanteis super
Lights, started out by overindulgingin | creepy and absolutely briliant
melodrama. (The star QBisn'tjust out whenit comes to coveringup his
for the season; he'llnever walk again. murderous misdeeds. And really, who
His backup, who's been treated like a amongushasn'tdreamed of taking
water boy, ives with his Alzheimer’s- mattersintoour ownhands when
striken granny ‘cause Dad's stationed someone obviously deserving of
inlraqandMom’s MIA.) But there serious jail time gets off?
was enough football fights, and hot
chicks to keep us coming back,and aa
whenithit its stride laterin the season,
throwing in one player's fling with the boom и"
КАН ЫН A. "=
e fe. — ee
matre most see TV. A Shee
pee EM —— — ==
nee o ——
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with the arrival of 30Rock.(Yes, мете Ying molten. Potbackiumadsvansiug
pimping NBC again. What can we HEROES please
Sy? Tenetwrkhadadamgood | prm.
cane a е
пет тк [momentos паар.
roo Mogan francos | Barra. беттен тита
inevery episode, frominsistingthat een, enhancing russ.
menonethiidhwsondrugsbuthey (NL anette [ama
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коен Thomas Mic ofr en,
faing outha se descendere ofthe iie
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Baldwin's self-mocking appearances ans Freres”
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| | tamelkallytosesiher | (above) cantberestraineden.
Wins „andtheirpowers; | Wehotnewcomedy 30 Rock.
esters forensic esper Qeft)
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By Bárbara Rice Thompson
OUICKPICKS
If you've ever ғ
wondered whether
those CS/dudes
could hide their own
dirty work, check out
one of our favorite
ways to kill an hour,
Showtime's serial-killer
162002 US. Ak Gata
Отоо, We were
laughing our as of
Nia neighvors urt mig be
the ending
PAL
BLADES OF GLORY
Will Ferrell,
Jon Heder
utin fiue-slating garb,
When that getathom banned.
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ROBOCOP: puma era
20TH ANNIVERSARY Senke
COLLECTOR'S Realy, do you noed to know
annnngetse?
Qop right Tracy Morgan's
under tne Friday Might Lights
уа Harrison hasplanty offeasons to keep her guard
MISERERI
'boymendswhio couldn't stay falthtul—but she says her
fourth album, Liberation, sall Sout jetting 00 ot negativity and
doubt. Butis all that positivity goingtomake this woman who
‘onceslammed SO Centloseher edge? We gave her our Pop Quiz
tofind outt she's still got whatittakesto kick it right.
Youopenyour album wit
Nota Talka,*but the
Whatsgoingon? f
Every song hasa perdi
Impowering songs like "Walka
o has angry, vengeful tracks.
» That'sasong where lendup.
erated. Butthergaredarker momentswherel arn very
Vulnerable. showing that side wasdefintely a challenge.
‘The album's personal songs, like "Ridin'" center on a straying
ys have.
ис! the Discovery Channel It's in a man's nature
юпа lare certain things! willnot deal with, ike cheating.
But lufderstand ifsomeone wantsto be with another person
'swhothey were meant to be with. Even females.
being faithful,
heard 50 Cent's lyric about having sex with you,
oldlyfired back-saying he musthave been thinking
ve repercussions?
Î waspit.ItJusteame out. | didn’t mean to insult anyone. But my
fatheralwaystoldme that women are the most gangsterof
A renmnousegom
themall:Youdon't have to carry guns you don't have to have big
muscles. If you can outthink someone, that's what makes you
‘Gangster. "Switch It Up"is about that.
We're gonna switch it up right now and launch into our Pop Quiz.
Tostart, what are you reading right now?
Dreams From My Father, by Barack Obama. It discusses his
father’s past, hisbiracial background, and someof his inspirations
toget into politics DVD-wise, it's really geeky-sounding, but l'm
watchingAl Gore's An Inconvenient Truth.
That does sound a little nerdy-but we like smart girls Let's say
‘we fuck up the environment so badly that we have to flee to
‘outer space. Do you think there's life on other planets?
With ail the solar systems and galaxies that exist, [believe there's
someformoflife It doesn thaveto be human. Some kindof
microorganisms or something.
Micro-what? Let's talk music. We've heard you play the drums.
Can youtearit up?
Iwould never call myself a drummer. сап hold a rhythm anda
beatandhit some dynamics, butit'snot Buddy Rich.
How do you unwind after along day?
When wasin Europe, took a hot bath every night with tea in the
tuband bath sats
That sounds like something a grandma might do. Minus ten
points.Do you ever engage your younger side —ay, by gaming?
Thelastonesi played were Halo Zand Grand Theft Auto. Vice City
айе played out now. but lstil play it from time to time.
‘Ten points for being able to handle violent games-you're back
By Rebecca Swanner
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a ang u
Guns, gaming, and... Earl Grey? Mya knows how to
hang with the best, evenifthisR&B star.
+ wouldratherhavetea than lineup shots of tequila.
‘onan upswing. What about cars? Do you like driving fast?
Ido. ima truck girl and a sports-car giri nothing in between. You
know what like that's affordable? The Dodge Charger.
Nice. You just earned yourself 40 points, Muscle cars are hot.
‘Yeah, and think giris are really exyin trucks and muscle cars,
Ten more points. We've heard you're also into guns. Are you a
goodshot?
Excellent, with handguns. But about a year ago, my girlfriends
and! went toa shooting range and shot а rifle for thefirst time.
‘really sucked.
What are some of your favorite gunsto shoot?
¡really love the 44, The.38. The nine-milimeter, of course, havea,
40. The 44 has the most kick, and ifyou're not careful you can do.
some damage. It's actually a workout.
‘Afterall this macho stuff, how cana man make you feel
like awoman?
Bydoingsomething he's not going to do with his male friends.
Conversationand rubbing your feet. Sitting by the bath while
youre bathing.
You've confessed thatafter sex, you'llcook anything for aman,
Got any favorite post-romp recipes?
Whatever he likes! Something substance-filed and flavor-filled,
thendessertto topit off
By which you mean you?
Noll'm just talking about cooking right now.
Well, Mya, congratulations. We stopped keeping score because
there'sno doubt you're smart, sexy, and officially cool.
веною санав
Shiny, Mostly,
Happy Peo
Rilo Kiley'scoy Jenny Lewisand company
flirt with pop, disco, and being
single to create a sparkling fourth album.
т enean ou
this August she'll win you
'overagain. On what might be Rilo
Kiley's pinnacle album, she shows
offhercharmingalt-country voice
and pulls great funk and disco from
her bag of tricks. The album opens
With "Silver Lining; bittersweet
ballad that builds off the melodic
style she developed on her solo
effort, Rabbit Fur Coat. But Lewis
Jenny Lewis shows
her charming
alt-country voice and
ulls great funk
disco from her
bag of tricks.
enny Lewis waslast
PI
BLACKLIGHT
RILOKILEY
Under the Blacklight
Brute/Beaute (2007)
wu iat herbes and
utara Bake Sennett masy
shifts gears by"Dejalo; atrackthat
mixes early-eighties rap witha sultry
Spanish-languagechorus whilethe
band jams heartily behind her, mixing
musical genres. But Lewis isn't the
only one whose voice feels full and
fresh Guitarist Blake Sennett, who
has tried his hand on a few songs
оп each of their previous albums,
brings the goods to the table on.
"Dreamworid" Thealbum makes
somebigmoodjumps—the sexy
rocksong "Close Call atrackabout
girls shaking it, comes just before the
happiest breakup song we'veyetto
hear, the hyper-aware disco-pop ditty
“Breakin Up"—butit'sfuntoridethe
twists and turns as we sail through
Lewis'sromantic highs and lows. We
think it's arecord that's as likely to get
under your girlfriend's skin asitis to
creep under yours.
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Why don't you play?
Istink.lused the consoles to bash my
brothers over the head.Insteadof
using them, I was sticking them down
Jerry'sesophagus.
Allright. Doyouhave a favorite linein
Dead HeadFred?
Ican't remember anything. There's
sucha finite amount of gray matter in
my head, it's not even funny. goon
talk shows and they re always asking
metodosomerant from Scrubs.
could sooner remember a page from
the phone book
You worked with Oliver Stone on
Platoon, Born on the Fourth of July,
andAny Given Sunday. Are youin
Otvercaleusand days whareto TOMBRAIDER
John C. McGinley—best Over calls up and just says where to Teres one gaming conte, but chock
known as the acerbic Dr. OF ane Tmt Soot [euttnebetind-thesscenesphoto-shoot
Pory Coronae Esben nun a SRS
makes his first foray into
video games as the voice of
P.L Fred Neuman in the PSP
title Dead Head Fred. | But for previous roles, you've gone
pretty extreme. For Highway you lost
70 pounds and had dreadlocks sewn
into your scalp—
Never again That was the dumbest
thing Га ever done.
butthey wantto goto Vietnamin
October and can't do that.
redisone pissed-off, sarcastic
dude. What inspired you to
play him this way?
Itookitoffthe storyboards and
the art. Itseemedthe guy was a
combinationofEdwardG.Robinson | Why?
intheoldgangstermoviesandPhilip | Becausethe film sucked. It felt ike a
original gangster. oves youencugtemewi your tcr
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Ask Steffanie:
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that reveals the sex secret that keeps you out of the penalty box and іп the pleasure zone!
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is important STAMINA secret
hy dicare.
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my Boyle ar
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yen sexual performance was len man
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after what he thought was a strong eor fora.
Saturday aernoon couldnt help but be disappointed
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told him that ove him but when it came to the
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i he always thought that when he "punched the
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TREE OF SMOKE!
The
Horror
America's descent into the madness of Vietnam is unforgettably captured in
most 30 years ago, when
Francis Ford Coppola
began creating his epic film
‘Apocalypse Now, he had toreach
backtothe early twentieth century to
Joseph Conrad's Heart of Darkness to
find ametaphor for America's most
infamous foreign war. As Colonel
Kurtz (in Marlon Brando's famously
over-the-top performance) gasped
Тһе horror! Thehorror"at the
‘movie's end, Coppola used Conrad's
story of mercenaries in Africa to
reflect his own generation's revulsion.
Sincethen, there have been many
excellentnovelsabout Vietnam,
butDenis Johnson's Tree of Smoke
(Farrar Staus and Giroux) isthefirst
that truly captures the hallucinatory
nightmare of the 1960s, starting
with the Kennedy assassination and
spiraling intothejunglesandtunnels
and barren urban landscapes of
Southeast Asia, where Washington
Меегноледов
а magnificent new novel. By Peter Bloch
policymakers decided that America
had to make a last stand against evil
Scundfamilar?
Tree of Smoke is avery long book
that covers two decades (almost as
longas Johnson has been writing
it), butyoullwantto read itonce
quickly to get a feel for its incredibly
convoluted schemes of murderous
treachery and rotting violence. And
after you tum the last page. | think
youll want to immediately start
reading it again. this time more slowly,
to savor Johnson's extraordinarily
beautiful writing and to fully ap-
Unforgettable
characters surprise us—
and themselves—
with unexpected acts
of heroism.
predate the moral morass that
engulfs almost everyone in the novel
Thereare two main plotlines. Опе
involves CIA spy "Skip" Sands and
his uncle, a legendary intelligence.
agent known only as "the Colonel”
as they try to runa counterespionage
‘operation against the Vietcong,
Theother follows two white-trash
brothers who find themselves in
the military because basically, they
have nothing better todo. These
fourmen,andthe dozens of people
whoselives intersect with theirs, are
unforgettable characters whocan
surpriseus—and themselves—with
unexpectedinsights and acts of
heroism as well as base deception.
The phrase "treeof smoke"
symbolizes the Colonel's—and
America's obsession with
destroying enemies no matter the
cost, but | wouldn't be surprised,
since the quest for redemption is also
an mportantthemeof the novel, if
Johnson was inspired bya striking
image from Bob Dylan's "Angelina":
"Beata pathof retreat up them spiral
staircases / Pass thetree of smoke,
pass theangel with four faces /
Begging God for mercy and weepin'
inunholy places”
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NOTHING
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MONEY FORNOTHING
By Edward Ugel
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She Said
Some people agonize
about finding the road not taken.
Melissa Plaut decided to
drive down that road—with the
meter running.
When was the last time you rode in a
New York City cab with a driver who
was (a) female, (b) white, (с) college-
‘educated, or (d)a lesbian? If your
answer is never, you'll want to check
ош Melissa Plaut's new memoir,
Hack: How! Stopped Worrying About
What to Do With My Life and Started
Driving Yellow Cab (Villard). We
talked tothe 32-year-old blogger
(NewYorkHack.Blogspot.com) about
herlife asa cabbi
What made youbecomea cab driver?
had been laidoff from another job. 1
realized | was по! ona path that was
fulfiling tome, and | still didn'tknow
what I wanted todo for "the rest of my
life” andcouidn settle ona carver,
wanted to be the person wanted
tobe and not fantasize about doing
things. Idecidedi'm just gonna have
adventure after adventure.
Canyoutell who's going to be agood
orbadtipper?
Not totally. but definitely started
discriminating against scruffy old
white dudes with beards, especially if
theyhadacane-that was a bad sign.
That's completely arbitrary, but it
happened twice in a row. Sometimes
people give you a really nice tio
and they're not the kind of people
youdexpectthatfrom It defies all
stereotypes. The best is the guy who
gave me $140 ona $410 fare. That'sa
once-in-a-lifetime thing.
Who's been your best celebrity rider?
Jon Stewart.I picked himup way on
the west side. | tumed around and
realized it was him and was ike, Oh.
shit, that's Jon Stewart He was on
the phone.1 didnt say anything. He
was going downtown and | forgot
toturn on the meter because! was
sostarstruck Fifteen blocks later,
turned kon. think he was talking
about hosting an awards show but |
couldn’ttotally hear. said, "do this
blogand! would love ifl could take
your picture," and he said, "Sure"
He was really awesome. The whole
restofthe night, every passenger
who seemed okay, told them, "Jon
Stewart was just inthe cab,”
Doyouthink you're treated
differently than male cab drivers?
Asfar as customers, it hasn'tbeen
negativeor positive, They remarkon
the novelty of it.
What should people do if they plan to
have sexin the back of a cab?
Tip your driver really, really welland
trynottomakea mess.
My most memorable sex story was
with this weird, seemingly buttoned-
up couple. She gave hima smacky,
slurpy,loud blowjob in the backseat
and | pretended it wasn't happening.
It's such aforeign concept—at least
for me-to bein such close proximity
toother people having some form.
of sex. don't really know what to do,
If mnot totaly sureit's happening,
then im fine; it's not encroaching
опту reality in any way. It might be
happening, it might not be. Ifl said
somethingandit wasn't, that would
becreepy. When tis happening and
know it, hope for the best and get
‘emthere quickly. га rather people
have funn ту cab than have some
sort of bloody fight.
What's your No. 1 piece of advice for
cab riders?
Say helloandthank you. Ota
“When sex is
happening |
and | knowit,
I hope for
thebest and get
'emthere quickly"
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these daye and phytic поо Frst,Nintendes | oameshave been deslgned to work with this
Wiputthepisyersbodyinchargeoftneen- | Mmoratvetog Ofcourse, people said that about
Seren nenn onging te st MDI Gama | the Wilstyar, and games are flowing nowt.
Non the Falcon langes seven further to the. | Buttars Nintendo, Who Novi?
ула wordy bringin elements ol the game
тош Unine traditional Xbox or PlayStation
amena at rate to adreslemto the
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“What club customers fail to realize,” says Rob the Bouncer,
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waving in your face obligates you to risk your job on their behalf
while they're off razor-straightening lines of coke on the toilet seat."
Mum
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me some "street
handshake.” Above al
do not hook your
hand around my head
to make yourself heard.
This will result in injury.
3 purge:
ШӘЙ е pane FORCE
Withits latest edition, Infiniti stellar б series is ай grown up and acting its age.
Butisthatreally such a good thing?
By Mike Guy
WHILE THE G35 MAINTAINS A HEDONIST'S
OUTLOOK, THE G37 BOUGHT A HOUSE,
HUNG ITS BIKE IN THE GARAGE, AND FILLED
ITS CELLAR WITH WEDDING PRESENTS.
A
Body le Fours
Enano
IHHHHN ИШИНИН ир
- Pet Peeves
It'snearly impossible to decipher a woman's thoughts.
June’07 Pet Kimberly Williams cracks the code, so
now you'll know if your once-in-a-while girl is hunting for
relationship or simply enjoying the ride.
ByJonathan Ages
‘THE NUMBERS GAME
y e-mail address when
LIQUID ASSETS
WEEKENDS ARE OUT-OF-BOUNDS
YOU'RENOT INVITED.
(E EXES TALK
THE INQUISITION
(she asks about your exes, then
s figuring out if she wants to have
arelationship w
Use the force, Luke. And by
the force” Imean your friends’
girlfriends’ powers of persuasion
‘on unsuspecting barroom hotties.
Wing is lust a prefix fora device that
isusefulin your eternal pursuit of the
fairer-smelling sex, and it's time you
applied it to the word girl So use your
wing-girl and wise you willbe, young
Padawan.
Your friends girlfriends make
better wings than your boys do-and
they will happily help your cause,
since the alternative is debating the
choices on their Netflix queue with
their significant other. Relationship
people love living vicariously through
the carnal exploits of the bachelor
set. Defer to her expertise when
selecting your prey: women have.
better judgment than men, and are
significantly more skilled at sniffing
ош prowlers. But know when to
exercise your veto, since women
frequently overlook the cantaloupe
chested floozy who's ripe for the
pickin in favor of that skinny girl with
hiceteoth and great shoes And make
sure youestablish A and B plans of
attack, in case your prey gets scared
away by something superficial such.
as your shoes or personality.
Inthe end, an endorsement from
anormal woman holds more weight
than your sloppy frat brother's plug
that you area "legendat keg stands.
So while you're enjoying yourself
with fiends and pretending to be the.
ultimate tall dark one-night stand,
have your new femme-wing approach
the target, осоп, befriend, and
‘eventually declare to her. "Ihave the
perfect guy for you=my boyfriend s
friend Joe”
The negotiation game is complex, so
you better know the rules before you
handover the contents of your wallet
tothe toothless guy selling the Care
Scounarel
Words of wisdom from a 21st-century rogue
Beor-themed double-barrel bong,
Rule No. t Know what your opponent
needs. How desperatois this person?
What is going to happen if vou dont
buy the Michael Bolton bootleg
records
charm your way toa better pric
speak the seller's language. smile. and
throw ina semi-creepy wink “take
'emat that price, amigo, but only if you
Wink
row in your sister "Smile
“Sold Rule No. 3: Be prepared.
Determine how much you're willing
to spend, then start witha lower price.
«pect to meet your nemesis halfway.
Ifyoudeclare your best offer dont
bend from it. the price is air your
even if t's from somewhere
else. Who knows? You may even дет
get
the sister Andale!
AN ENDORSEMENT
FROM A WING-
GIRL HOLDS MORE
WEIGHT THAN
YOUR SLOPPY FRAT
BROTHER'S PLUG THAT
YOU ARE A “LEGEND
AT KEG STANDS:
ing? Rule No. 2: Be personal.
Youcan extend the negotiation and
Dear Scoundrel,
I've started dating this girl who is a
ttle freakier than I'm used to. Im
cool with experimenting, but! can't
keep up. How do Iget her to ease up
on the kink without seeming like
adrag?—Jamie D, Louisiana
you don't get your freak on, t
chick vill leave you cuffed to your bed
without a pee bucket. What is she
supposed to do? Accept that there's
no excitement left in the missionary
position and spend the rest of her life
watching Antiques Roadshow reruns
while mastering needlepoint? Hell,
no! She'sa freak withan incredibly
high РО. (pervert quotient), and you
shouldbe happy she's using you as
hertest subject.
Ontheotherhand.a 38-year-old
British man was strangled to death
this year after his airfriond-- dressed
asaneo-Nazlhangman—talled to cut
the rope intime. So meet your kink-
pusher halfway. You don't have to
attach a car battery to your nipples,
buttheleast you can dois look into
her eyes. kiss her passionately, and.
callhera dirty whore when she pulls.
out that vibrating cockring. Rise to
the occasion, saddle up. and fuck her
Silly-the way you like to do tand
make sure you satisfy her before she
Setsa chance to pullouttheben-wa
balls and buttermilk-enema kit O
SCOUNDRL емен сон
THE KEY TO A DEEPER
APPRECIATION OF RUM
COMES FROM SIPPING
ADARK, AGED, FULL-
BODIED ELIXIR
Mellow
Go
The right premium rum might just turn you onto
rum without the cola. By Abigail Aronofsky
lumtends toget the short.
| Ns
M treatectiixe yourhard-
partying buddy whonever takes off
his baseball cap. Whether he'sin the
bleachars ofa White Sox game or on
his way to a wedding. you never see
him without it- the way yo
drink rum without Coke or some other
taste-muddling mixer. So justas t's
time your buddy gave up the lid of
his youth, maybe it's time you moved
beyond sprin
‘Most rum used in mixed beverages
like mojitosand: s (that's
what Teddy Roosevelt's Rough
Riders called rum and Coke du
the Spanish-American Wi
‘meaning the alcohol has.
aged andisclear or light yellow. While
not necessarily inferior in quality light
rumshaveastronger alcohol bite and
should be mixed accordingly with.
juices, colas, and conven lore
slushees.
But the key to a deeper apprec-
ation ol rum comes from sipping it
ıd for this you'll want a full-bodied,
aged: df elixir that'll conjure up-
asun-dranched Caribbean island
A prime sipping rum ranges from
dark gold to mahogany in color
a ains rich flavors, including
vanilla, molasses, and spices. Most
ple tend to judge rum by its hue,
suming that a darker product in
dicates higher-quality liquor. And
though aging does infuse rum with
an amber tint, most brandsadd
caramel coloring to the liquid after
ıt comes out of the barrels, so don't
iet the shade determine whether the
rum should be mixedinto a mojito
or enjoyed straight. instead, look for
thebottleto say añejo (“aged”) or
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Amy Brown has a killer body and a mind
of her own. And she knows you like to watch.
Justtry to keep from staring.
Photographs by Petter Hegre
Ha! Маделри look.
Don't try to
act blase. Т.
see. you See- me
and L sorta
get of on it.
Tm a total slut |
for attention. \
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can you.
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or
something-
I cont help m self.
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move to K
© your eyes ued
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just how to make
à lose it: But-
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Sa PENTHOUSECOM
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How are you going to pique m interes
Г?
ou gonna get AN anc JE К. to -
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heiahten the tensi
ear i p a ake you А
т slip into the too- Short shorts and pretend
т don't notice as you crane your
neck. Т. leon in too close and let my
soft hoir brush your chest; ler
my breath hit your neck. Т.
can smell your“ scent and
t gets me oll worked vp, 100.
e
But I'll never let you know
ir. Lact like. I'm oblivious —
like L can't understand what
ne stares and the 100-1044 eye contact
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9
em O
Ату
Т actas iF I cam -
help iF if you want
to buy me drinks, or
put your tongue in
| Im goin to make-
you Sw + First
And youre onna
К? to take it
And I may be a
b
pur Dil never”
show you — Ио
until you
earn it:
©
And until
then, dont
take your
eyes
AY off me.
д. у
dirty 3^ underneath,
ө
Bestwick
The British BMX legend talks about dominating,
ithtwo major events
WM ыа
Xames Los Anges
from August 2to 5, and the Dew
Action Sports Tour's Portland
stop from August 16 to 19, Jamie
Bestwickishaving a busy month.
But that’s nothing new: Bestwick is
BMX vert's top dog, with the past
two Dew Tour season titles, three
XGames gold medals, and two
Gravity Games titles on his résumé.
In 2005, Bestwick won every contest.
he entered. He's gota lotto live up
tothis year, sowe didn’t mind that he.
was relaxing by playing inacharity
‘golf tournament when we spoke
tohimrecently,
Where is this tournament happening?
It'satthe Penn State golf course,
‘and it’s forthe charity Coaches vs.
Cancer. We're doing good. We're
sixunderafter six holes. Its abest-
ball format.
Who are your partners?
Itsafivo-man team, and each
team hasa celebrity. I'm playing
withagroupfrom State
College, Pennsylvania. They're
all engineers.
understand you had surgery last
year to fuse together two vertebrae
inyourneck and afterward, the
doctors told you that your BMX
career was over. You defied thelr
orders and came back to win the
Dew Tour and finish second in the X
Games. What made you decide to
take thatrisk?
Can!tellyouinasecond? It's my turn.
Sure,
[New voice, Doug, comes over
the phone) Hello? Idon't know what
he's saying about his golf game, but
he's really good.
[Bestwick returns]
sounds like the Senior Tour
mightbe їп your future afteryou're
done with BMX.
[Laughs] think! needa lot more
practice forthe Senior Tour. But
maybe when Peter Oosterhuis is
ready to hang up his boots, | might
audition for commentatorof the
Golf Channel.
Ss PENTHOUSECOM
wiping out, and making par.
What made you decide to go back
toBMXafter your doctors told
youtoretire?
‘Well, that’s an ultimatum given toa
lot of athletes when they're going
througha severe injury. Atfirst, did
say, That's It. then. Ihave to walk:
away rom the sport” Butthe minute
that any athlete starts getting strong
again, that has a huge mentalimpact.
You start to believe that you can
compete again and thatyouîl be
the same, if not better, than before.
Sooncel'd gotten stronger andthe
passion returned, that's what made
те goforitlast year.
Was your wife okay with the
decision?
That injury was a really bad one, but
attheend of the day, she just wanted
‘me to do what I felt was best, and my
family all gave me the backing, too.
It was a collective decision. Hold on.
Sorry, can you wait one minute?
[Doug comes back on] He's putting.
What was his shot the last time
youwere on?
Wewere about 100 yards out, thehole
was at the front of the green, and he
1ей й about 15 yards short. Which was.
‘good; we usedit. Now he's about 15
feet fromthe hole,
‘And he's putting for... par?
No, we're putting for birdie! We had
agood drive, a good second shot,
andnowwe'reon three, Jamie'slining
itup...it'stracking, it's tracking .. ooh!
Bitshort. Hold ona sec.
[Bestwick returns}
hear youleftitalittieshort.
Yeah, idid.
But youre stillin par position.
Tell us about your unprecedented
2005 season.
‘Well, had putin the work before
thecontests, so knew that! would
pull off everything perfectly. It gave
me that extra confidence. | saw when
people made mistakes on their runs,
‘and capitalized by hitting tricks |
knew | could pull every time. But
yeah, 2005 was justa phenomenal
year It really was,
Ive read thatyou have a fear of
heights. What about when you're
getting big alr off the ramp?
Well, 'monly up there fora spit
second, and I haven't got time to
really take onboard how high am.
m so busy concentrating on where
I need to be in the trick
When a skateboarder wipes out,
his board just shoots away. But a
BMXer has to worry about the bik
‘coming down on top of him. What's
the trickto a good bailout?
There's а saying that skateboarders
crashikecats and BMXers crash like.
dogs Because skateboarders arevery
graceful when the board gets away
from them and they can knee-slide
‘out, whereas a BM Xer basically goes
down with the ship. It's "Hang on, and
its gonna hurt.”
You guys are obviously tough,
buta couple of years ago former
rider Mat Hoffman claimed to
have undergone knee surgery
without anesthesia. Do you
believe that?
‘Yeah I can believe he did that.
Now, askany other guy f they want
todo the same thing,and-Imean,
Filtell you right now | wouldn'teven
contemplate doing that. But! di
hear that Hoffman didit and he's
‘more than welcome to do that as
many times as he wants. That's just
notfor me.
“THERESA SAYING THAT:
SKATEBOARDERS CRASHLIKE
CATS ANDBMXERS CRASH /”
LIKE DOGS. WE GO РО
D WITH THE SHIP. IT'S ‘HANG ON,
—— AND IT'S GONNA HURT.” y,
“A-ROD IS A GREAT
PLAYER, BUT
HE'S A BIG BABY.
THE PERSONAL
STUFF IS NONE OF
ANYONE'S BUSINESS,
BUT ON THE FIELD
HESABABY^
Onhis reputation as an outspoken
guy, and the responsesit brings out in
opposing fans
"They call me a motherfucker, an
asshole, acocksucker. My five-year-
old daughter is often at the ballpark.
Itellherthattheyjust want Daddy to
dobad. They don't really mean it
Onformer teammate
Mark McGwire
Big Mac was one of the best
teammates leverhad,Ithinkhe's
getting a raw deal. If you could have
voted for himin 1999, he would have
been voted into the Hall of Fame. It's
funny that the writers can votefor
who goes in the Hall of Fame. Why
cant we vote for which reporters are.
hired? But Mark was down-to-earth,
He was agreat teammate. You don't
ее пи
4 Oncurrent teammate
Barry Bonds
eve Kline Ж
bug anybody. You don 'theara
word from Barry Bonds. He just
plays. What cracks me up about
Bondsis that people boo him when
he comes up, Then they boo the
pitcher when he walks him. Or they
dap when he hits a homerun,
What do these people freakin’
want? It's crazy"
‘emaynot bea household name, Just play the game. A-Rod
but If you're afan of the Cardinals, thought he could distract a player,
Orioles, or his current team, the Giants, anditworked [Editors note:
you certainly know of reliever Steve Kline. The Rodriguez calledoutto Toronto
left-handedsetup man has made an impression | third baseman Howie Clarkas Clark
ateverystopinhisTi-yearcareerasmuchforhis | was camped under aroutinefly
shoot-from-the-hip sound bites as for his wicked ballthis past May, causing Clark
sinker.Penthouse's Ed Condran polledKlineon | tomissit]He gotmoreattention
several of baseball's hot topics. because of theincident with Bronson
Arroyo, whenhetriedto punchthe —— Onperformance-enhancing
On why the brushback pitch has all ballout of his hand [during the drugsin baseball
but faded from the game 2004 ALCS] Some peoplehave “They should start looking to the
“People think you're trying to hurt sald A-Rod deserves all the stuff future. In the past, there wasn't
the superstar hitter But if youdrilla thats gone on—but his family testing. You can'tdo much about
guy.you don't go for the head. You go doesnt deserveit” that Whateverhappened, happened,
for the backor the ribs. Bob Gibson BE — Test the kids, You need to protect
would put you on your buttina
heartbeat. Willie Mays told methatit's
them. They have to watch what they
eei did putintheir bodies and you need to
"Iwantto show people we're
——————————————M
ea ea E e
pert gana and rode ан асаад protect the game:
Fliget a guy out and cuss myself ‘Onthe banners greeting Bondsin
‘On AlexRodriguez onthe mound because! got MLB parks this summer
"Great player, buthe'sa big lucky. Му mom gives me alot of “Тһе hot-dog-and-beer one was the.
baby. The personal stuffis none crap for cussing. She says, You best [RUTMDIDITONHOT DOGS AND BEER at
of anyone's business, but onthe ‘embarrass me: But thisis my Citizens Bank Park]. Youhaveto laugh
field he's ababy. Youshouldn'tsay livelihood. Ifl dont do my job. Tm atitsince it was clever, and that's
anything when you're playing. outofhere” Philadelphia fans for you.”
ва PONTHOUSECOM
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overinestovie lorte
қолы charectertinaroughs
veiumblpro-octbat тск
Onetowatch;meshman
running back DeMarco
Murray Oneyoucan mie
те эрос мшу named
ачаан, 350-pound
“The nations top running:
back duo (Damen McFadden
ard Fells Jonas) wtp the
Razorbacks forgot an off-
чөн" look to Talananes
September L hentravelto
‘ora on tho th Ouch.
main” Lara,
Rogier 275-pound iims
Quarterback Matthew Stafford
Ans Wel behing Micha
‘Stipe ofcourse
‘The Duck get Michigan and
Calin September lino
ot about hemby October
эту Gausen cena,
WIN supporting cast
Mighty detense (hey battled
etum tan starters) but элеге]
vmm
Festa Bow? StI the Bronce
gradustedtoo many stars
ске до of James Davis
idnapping the
eli thas
Pregame partying is as mucha part.
of college football tradition
аз marching bands, fight songs,
and shady recruiting practices. Our
peel of ооа omeus
their best stories.
Опсе, while
in Columbus
forthe OSU-
Michigan game, |
Isaw an Ohio
state fan who
wasn't drunk,
Poren |сіпі Пір me
орнот off 50 times,
ldidn'tthreaten
ime with bodily
harm, and didn’
luse the words
fuck, sucks, or
whore when
referring to
Michigan. Now
that, my friends,
was crazy.
[pre Heat
In her bid for the presidency, could
Hillary Clinton's personal diaries reveal that
beneath the buttoned-up power suit
is a woman who would like to mount more than
just a campaign? Maybe Bill's not the
only hound dog in this family.
Political satire by Teddy Wayne
mT—
БС ron nt
[was turcundedby awenrhwtrealyddlednen area
inthe minute ooreignand domestic poley wet panies
dlrtKucnich wentone ul 0-secondrant about curbing the
Fry dust complex He'sso cute, wth tha tin grin and
tory Boares hair and nohteousberalincignaton Pius a ot
the ONC macine ty October Didnt realy flow tegit this
житит because Chi Dock wes tnd eect
Fh ray sn boys?
ates Zogby po 29 percontandholding steady
Juno1S
Hardball With Chris Matthews. Couldn't focus ali show. just
know beneath that staid Beltway-journalist exterior lurks the
fiery populism of a hot-blooded Latin American leftist dictator.
Whispered to him after the taping, II play hardball with you
anytime, Chris." He sald his booker would be in touch with me for
‘aNovember appearance. love it when they play hardto get.
June 18
Wonder what it would be like with JE... Could Ibe with someone
prettier than me? Ho seems like the kind of guy who would make
me do all the work. Two Americas, ту ass. He's very vulnerable on
the terror front, otto mention the hairstyle issue. Hmm, how to
exploit? Call Carvillefor advice when that harpy wife
of his isn't around. And
coax him into role-playing
that Arkansas prison
warden on the phone
June 21
New rotation of sum-
mer interns fresh from
the ivies—everyonea
buttoned-down policy
wonk Сап! get a "Hells
yeah? That's what Ilove
about these pre-law interns:
I get older, they stay the
sameage. Yesterday made
aPrinceton junior who's focusing on health-care reform press a
cold washcloth to my forehead while | had a hot flash. He hovered
over me so close, could taste his Axe body spray.
| asked whathe thought about making condoms freely
available on all college campuses and changing his school's
mascot fromthe Tigers to the Cougars He got skittish and said he
had to finish stuffing some envelopes. Ithinkhe's an HMO, if you
get my drift.
Losing ground inlowa among male voters under SO. More
cleavage at next photo op?
б PENTHOUSECOM
June 25
Reporter from the Times askedif would consider having Obama
ina position under” me. Took a few seconds to reakze he meant
as VP. Wouldn't at all mind some private meetings in my Oval
Office. Never been witha black man, unless you count ВИ.
June 25
Bumped into Bill Richardson in the Capitol. Said he still wanted
toget together about that 2005 education legislation we were
coauthoring, and asked И1 was freethatnight. Asif, gordo,
Later passedby John and a horde of his admirers in the hallway.
I knew he'd be in D.C. today, so! made sure to wear my new gray
pantsuit...and he didn't even notice me. Why would he, when he
could get any woman over 40 who's for a higher minimum wage
and an expanded middle class? Ormaybehe just pretended
not tonotice. Okay, stop obsessing, Hill- this i turning into
Goldwater in'64all over again.
June28
Fuck Obama
Marry: EDWARDS!
Kilt Biden
шул
Mitt Romney called me"hopelessiyoutoftouch” again today.
The GOP thinks mudslinging wil make me cower and run, but his
words just made me angry. Andhorny. A monogamous Mormon
Republican from Massachusetts—he's practically begging for a
sexual awakening.
Juys
Met Chelsea and her new boyfriend for dinner. Worksfora
nonprofit, wears tapered pleated Dockers, came prepared with
alistof talking points and a five-year plan for their relationship.
Mama likey! While eating my rib-eye, fantasized about him
saying, "Mrs. Rodham, are you trying to seduce me?" Invitehim
upto Chappaqua soon. Make sure the guest-room surveillance
‘camerais repaired by then.
Approval rating dropping with soccer moms. Fuck them
and the prudish, domesticated horse they rodein on. But start.
wearing more pinks and yellows.
July 8
Interview with Katie Couric. Grilled meabout my Wellesley
daysand the fact that | was president of the Young Republicans
cubas afreshman. "Like most girls in college, | experimented а
lot," I said, glancing at her bare, tanned legs. “And though ma
Democrat now, I'd like to think l'm still open to alternative ideas,
Katie” Thenatthe
commercial break she
immediately started
texting her latest
boy toy and giggling.
Whatever—her looks
are declining faster
than her Nielsen
ratings
Juyn
Saw BarackandMichelleon TV, smooching апас
speech. Damn herandher curves. Get off Atkins for abit? Buthow
tomakesureit just goes to my ass and doesn't ruin the Botox?
CaliKerry for advice. Get him to role-play hat rugged Vietnam
vet he should have been in 2004. Neck and neck with Barack.
Only nthe polls, unfortunately.
idling post-
Went to United Auto Workers headquarters in Detroit to discuss.
fuel-efficiency standards and outsourcing. Hundreds of burly
men smeared with engine grease-- completely creamed my
coveralls Fantasized about coming back here nine years from
now and filming my own eco doc, Hillary Gets Her Oll Checked.
m^
Mrs. Hilary Edwards
Mrs Hilary Rodham Edwards
Mrs Hilary Rodham Clinton Edwards.
Mr. John Rodham
July 28
is Gore throwing his hatinto the ring? Stil using that mental
image of the time he came out of a West Wing bathroom in just a
towelthat hardly covered those killer quads. Get him alone and
askif he inventedinternet porn, too, then start surfing the "Barely
Legislative Women of O.C "site.
August 2
‘Yes! Just got word that People will put mein their "5O Most
Beautiful People" issue next spring! I don't know what will grow
more—my red-state percentages or the bulge in JE 's pants. Who
am kidding? As if he'd ever notice me.
Augusts
Homein Chappaquaafter an exhausting Southwest swing of
stumping, strategizing, and screwing .. well two out of three ain't
bad. Bill asleep on the couch, pork-rind crumbs on his chest. Told
him to make me some fucking dinner Ate undercooked chicken
as he complained about being bored at home, blah, blah, blah.
After dinner | tried making him до down on me, but he claimed,
hisheart medication was giving hima headache. Climbed into.
the gas-powered Jacuzzi, turned on C-SPAN, saw I'd jumped
ahead in the latest national рой, and, as the pundits weighedin on
my suddenly strong chances of winning the nomination, started
having sexualrelations with the detachable showerhead.
Spent the rest of thenight Googling Edwards pics. Looks like
he got another pricey trim. Call MSNBC and exploit again. Then
get the shorn locks from his stylist and fashion into a whip. Oa
ss
ewasjustyouraverage wristwatch-hawking
street hustier-tumed-model when Guy Ritchie
cast himinthe 1998 thug caper Lock, Stockand
Two Smoking Barrels. A pair of starring roles in
the Transporter films launched Statham into his
Current status as an international Alister, known.
as much for doing his own stunts as for dating some of the most
beautiful women inthe world. In his latest fim, War, Statham's
federal agent tradesGlock blasts witha ruthless Yakuza hit man (is
there any other kind?) played by Jet Li. Penthouse spoke with the
on-screen bruiser—andtriedto avoid any collateral damage.
How did your life аз а con prepare you for working in Hollywood?
Ws the perfect breeding. !vetold some small whitelies to the
public to earna living, but this town certainly has its fair amount
of bullshit stuck somewhere in the middle of it. Having said that,
there are some great, interesting people and somereally solid
people who stickto their word, and you can trust and definitely
work with them in the future, There are bullshitters whether you
work ina supermarket or in Hollywood. | think human nature in
‘general tends to befull of shit.
Youhave homesin twotabloid hot spots, Los Angeles and
London. Given your dating history and the paparazzi attention
it's drawn, do you ever want to quietly slip off to Maine for a
while?
Thopaparazzidon'tcome downto wherelam in south London,
for fear oflosingtheir cameras or of physical violence—oneof the
twa It's not really ahot spot for celebs.
You got your breakin Guy Ritchie movies after he spotted you
modeling-so that means you must have met you-know-who.
Im talking, of course, about Lourdes and Rocco.
{Silence}
You've spent sometime with the kids?
You're just going to goand ask me personal questions about Guy
Ritchie's missus? | don't understand where you're going with this
‘question and the relevance to the movie,
Ruggedaction-movie star Jason Statham
gothis big break from director
Guy Ritchie andif you think hes forgotten it try
making Madonna jokes with him.
By Mac Montandon
Jason Statham
“THE PAPARAZZI DONT COME
DOWN TO WHERE | АМ
IN SOUTH LONDON, FOR FEAR
OF LOSING THEIR CAMERAS
OR OF PHYSICAL VIOLENCE
—ONE OF THE TWO!
1don'tknow how close you are, but has Madge ever asked you to
joinherkabbalah reading group?
Its no one's business how close we are—we'reall good friends.
‘and that’s as muchas you bastards are going to get out of me,
The online message boards have been lit up speculating who
would wina fight between you and Jet Li. I'm sure the thought
has crossed your mind, so do you think you could take him?
Ithink the thought hasn't crossed my mind, so think you'd be
very presumptuous to think the thought has crossed my mind,
Why would! want to fight someone ike Jet Li? He's a great guy;
why the fuck would want atear-up with him?
Not necessarily that you'd want to, but...
Hypothetically?
Yeah, hypothetically.
You know, someone asked me that years ago and |gave him the
sameanswer—bollocks!
‘Okay, no hypotheticals then.
I mean, c'mon, за movie, Нез a martial artist. It's like saying,
“Who's going to win out of Sly Stallone and Amol?" These guys
are beyondhavinga punch-upin the street to try and settle the
score for a magazine. Стоп!
You're known for doing your own stunts. There is a serious car
crash in War—was that you behind the wheel?
I didn’t actually do the crash itself because the insurance
‘company doesn't allow that kind of silliness
tohappen Most ofthe speed driving—that's
‘orchestrated, that's been thoroughly worked out
with the stunt coordinator. just jumped rightinto
itbecause I've done so many driving scenes, think
itsa shame for menotto дой.
‘Whats the most dangerous stunt you have been
allowed todo?
Transporter 2. Crank and Transporter stand out for me. And when
Italk about Crank, Im taking aboutthe helicopter stunt [in which
Statham hung from the aircraft], which I actually did for real.
Some of your dating history is well documented [Editor's note
Statham dated British actress Kelly Brook and Australian singor/
actress Sophie Monk]. Do you realize you are giving guys with
recedinghairlines everywhere afalse sense of hope?
[Laughs] Who, meand Bruce Willis?
‘Yeah. And speaking of, do you think you're keeping him up.
he's done far too many great films to be worried about
the likes of me. actually met him once at an Ultimate Fighting
‘Championship fight, which was pretty cool.
Did you guyshang out?
Nah. would love to. Always thought it would bea big buzz to
meet my movie-starheroes. I met Sly Stallone onceand Arnold
Schwarzenegger-its great to meet them because! grew up on
their films. To actually shake the hand of one of your heroes, it's
something you can writehome about. Oa
PENTHOUSECOM 67
ntSobrietySucks
Thekth Seo
Ladmitted | was powerless over alcohol—that my life had
become unmanageable... and that! might never, ever get laid again.
Gu probably know someone
whoneedstto stop drinking.
Maybe its the guy who
routinely peesinhis closet and leaves
the car onhis lawn with the lights on,
‘or wakes up inthe wrong hotel room
with a strange woman—while on
vacation with his wife. That guy needs
хори thepluginthe ug. as they say,
and get somehelp and Alcoholics
Anonymousisa wonderful entity that
hashelpedcountless people just like
‘him, topens a world of salvation о
former drunks, helping them restore
clarity to their lives, regain the respect
(of family and friends, and eliminate
crippling hangovers from their lives
for good. Thank Godforsobriety!
Too bad no one tells you that it comes
hand in hand withan evil stepsister
named Chastity.
When lused todrink, got laldall
the time. I wasn't always sure.
with whom or what, but the deed
went down, and often. used to
‘embrace the saying, Go ugly early
andavoid tho rush.
During my15 years without a
drink, I've gone for three years ata
dip without getting lald—at least not
withouthavingto sign foritafterward.
Sobriety my friends, is hell.
Believe me, it hasn't been for lack
of effort.For ten years, cruised AA
meetings with two primary purposes:
(Dtomeet women and (2) to work on.
my stand-up actin front ofa captive
audience, There, saidit! 'mnot.
proud, but 'mnot alone either. Sure,
there are alot of good people in those
roomseffecting genuine, positive
‘change, but there are also plenty of
schemers andhidden agendas. We're
all drunks, after all.
Iwill sayin my anemic defense, that
Ineverhitona newcomer (women
with less than one year sober), like
someopportunistic animals do. 1
never subscribed to the creepy things
youhear from some guys at diners
after the meeting, ike, "Getthemon
their backs before they can geton
thelr feet,” or the more sinister, "Get
them while they're stil shaking”
Was oir a pickup srüst, andi
ва penmnousecom
By Jeff N. Illustration by Peter Crowther
found out that trying to date while
‘coming off the hoochis an cut-and-
out nightmare. Your support group
tells you not to goto bars. Andif you
dogo tobars, women tend tolook
at you like you'rea pussy for not
drinking. Imean, God, man!Put down
the pom-poms and get in the game!
Bythesame token, you can't help but
thinkto yourself, Whata drunk sut.
Sobarsare pretty much out.
What's left? Coffee shops? These
are loser magnets—aquick glance
explains why velvet ropes and guest
lists exist, Sober dances? Dol even
have to comment? Dancing without
booze may as wellbe dancing without
music. You look and feel ridiculous.
Asa result, no one dances—we just
sit stiffly on the periphery, battling
the same feelings of inadequacy
that made us want to snort Wite-
Out in seventh grade. But there's.
another barb here: AA is filled with
strippers, so the only people who
do dance at these pathetic gatherings
are luscious sex kittens who writhe
like Salma Hayek in From Dusk Til
Dawn. They're Ike Levitra inhuman
form. But because they ve tumedover
anew leaf, hey recompletely
off-limits. It's a special kindof hell.
Then there are sober parties.
You know why sober parties
suck? Because there's no fucking
booze! Take that marvelous social
lubricant away and what do you
have? Horny. angry people.
Ifthese dry-stick options aren't
enough to frustrate the newly sober.
NEWLY SOBER GUY
HAS TO ENDURE
20-MINUTE SEX STORIES
FROM SMOKING-HOT
RECOVERING-ALCOHOLIC
CHICKS RECOUNTING
HOW THEY BLEW
EVERY GUY ON THE
EAST COAST FOR COKE.
guy.thereare always the 12-step
meetings. Most of themarecoed,
but this hardly helps. It meansa.
newly sober guy has to endure 20-
minute sex stories from smoking-hot
recovering-aicoholic chicks who
recountin detail how they blew
every guy onthe East Coast forcoke,
Biology being what itis, our hero sits
there with his jaw wide open, drooling
(couldn't she share in a more general
way?), but Godforbid he approach
one of these babes after the meeting
andaskher out. Doing sois a surefire
way to get blasted with Mace by her.
overly protective sponsor.
So this was my life for years
socially restricted, bar-free,
go-home-early nights followed by
pints of Häagen-Dazs and Girls Gone
Wild commercials. was starting.
towonder If sobriety really was a
better life. Then out ofthe blue came
Internet dating. Hallelujah! Finally,
sober people had anew outlet! They
were no longer relegated to trolling
meetings for dates,
Yet no sooner had this golden era
dawned thanit became tarnished by
inconvenient reality: Youmeeta gir
online, youhit itoff, agree to go out on
adate-then she finds outyou don't
drink and the entire date turns into
her quest to discover why. usually.
tried todeflecttheir inquiries with
throwaway lines about what ahard-
drinking, brass-ring-grabbing stud
Iwas.I'd say. "When! drankit wasal
about the money, the cars, and the
women" Ifyou still have thefirst two
tems onthatlist this might satisfy.
her. Butmorelikely you! gta blank
starethat says, Knock off the bullshit!
This will be followed by more queries.
rd usually downshift to something
like, "Well, don't know, alcohol
just startedaffecting mylife for the
worse... But that wouldn't satisfy
her either. They always want to
know your rock-bottom moment,
and so eventually!'d oblige: "Okay,
youreallywant to know? was getting
ablowjob froma tranny behind a
Dumpster and my pants were
around my ankles when she stole my
wallet and ran down the street,
causing me to hobble after her
screaming, Somebody stop her, she
hasmy wallet"
Ifyou were recently onthe cover
of Forbes magazine, she might
findthis story amusing. If not, you
are guaranteed to be left with the
check—and the cold comfort that this
miserable existence beats dying ina
drunken car wreck or from cirrhosis of
the liver Og
LAID—AT LEAST NOT WITHOUT HAVING
TO SIGN FORIT AFTERWARD.
,
Houseof Pain
and good night
Sometimes you need a dark underground place where pants come down,
the punishmentiis swift, and a certain special longingis finally satisfied. We sent
Teddy Wayne to explore the fetish dungeon with those who like to lash out.
еер ina dank subterranean room in Man-
hattan's Chelsea neighborhood, a middle-age
man spankshis half-naked wife over a padded
leather bench. They attract several spectators,
all guys In their late thirties or older. One fondies
hisgroln over his pants in time with the woman's
whimpers. Only after thehusband culminates the session with
his belt, his wife's fleshy buttocks as rosy asa blushing child's
cheeks, and they caress each other and kiss tenderly, do | feel Lam.
‘encroaching upon an intimacy not intended for my eyes.
Тат ata monthly OTK ('over-the-knee") spanking-fetish
party ata place that opened in 1984 and blsitselfasthe
lengest-established BDSM (bondage, domination, submission,
masochism) club in the world. My friend Jessica is with me for
social support and a female perspective, though feel guilty
about enlisting her. While she waited for me outside the clubin
silver spandex and Barbarella boots, several men leered ather;
‘one, ina fur-lined purpleanorakand clutching a gold-tipped
cane, smirked, "iknow where you're going with those pants”
Theclub's alleyway entrance—a labyrinth of dim tunnels, walls
‘emblazoned with Vietnam-era slogans about making peace and
‘questioning authority- leads toa locked door and a windowed
ticket booth. As I pay ($35 for men, $5 for women, though fe-
males dressed as Catholic schoolgirls get in free), a man behind.
‘7OPENTHOUSECOM
us cheerfully informs me that members of TES--the Eulenspiegel
Society, the world's oldest BDSM group—get a $5 discount.
“tm David; says the man, a 35-year-old with a boyish face, a
tucked-in Hawaiian shirt, and a nervous laugh, "but my friends.
call me David 007" An aspiring actor who has been coming tothe
clubfor a dozen years, David 007 becomes the Virgil to my Dante
during my tourinto this underworld of spankophiles, or spankos,
as they re sometimes called.
Most of my expectations borrow heavily from mainstream-
media depictions of sexual fetishists. It is a scene that, like most
теп, 'vealways been curious about but have been too timid.
and squeamish toenter | anticipate outsize, aggressive women;
cowering, Robert Crumb-like men; and, above all, an orgy of
spanking: frenzied, lawless, infinitudes of pleasure.
Jessica and I sit at the bar of the Whips and Licks Café, which
boasts the "best milkshake"; alcoholis not permitted—a sensible.
restriction. А huge mural looms behind usofacartoonishiy
‘buxom woman chained toan erect penis with protruding horns
atthetip. Medieval-looking instruments abound: leather-and-
steel harnesses, a wooden chair with straps, menacing benches.
Mountedtelevisions play spanking videos, and the room's locker-
тоот odor grows mustier as the night progresses.
‘Though the owners MySpace profile promised a bevy of nubile
women in skimpy underwear, the clientele here is decidedly
HouseofPain 22 -
older, heavier, and manier. The quests, in descending order of
‘predominance, are single men, couples, and small groups of
female friends. Except for a few die-hard fetishists—a burly man
inapinktutuand platinum-blondewig:a guy ina leather choke
collar vest, thong, andboots—the men wear casual clothes off
the Kmart rack, The women's outfits range from housewife-
wear toa T-shirtthat reads oucumisnorasareworoto a couple
‘of leather-ensconceddominatrices. Attendees catch up with
‘one another, discuss their kids and recent movies. It resembles.
‘aMidwestern family reunion, albeit one with the black-sheep
uncles andaunts your parents prefer never to discuss.
Perhaps, like David, they are simply seeking community of
like-minded individuals. And the club does resemble a regular.
bar albeit witha number of critical substitutions: paddling
instead of dance-floor groping, leather chokers instead of white
collars, "torture" rooms instead of VIP sections, skulking loner
men instead of well that part is consistent. So-called “vanilla”
protocols apply. Everything is consensual, and strangers politely
approach each other and develop arapport before asking each
‘other to "play" Sex в illegal though there is some massaging
of bare breasts and the occasional secluded make-out session.
Spankersare not, by David's own admission, all “prime physical
specimens." Butfor most spankers, he maintains, "It's what's
inside that counts." When a woman consents to spanking, he
considers it a "precious gift” Не doesn't get lucky on every night
‘out, and calls his forays to the club $30 roulette.”
Thesoundof palm meeting flesh soon wafts our way from
other nooks and rooms of the club. | investigate, turning a comer
‘and spotting aman spankinga woman over his knee. We briefly
make eye contact, and | return to Jessica ikea frightened puppy.
‘Thepsychologicaloriginsof the spanking fetish are highly
‘debatable. For every spanko who was disciplined as a child, there.
isanothor who wasn't. The buttocks эге ап erogenous zone,
‘and over-the-knee spanking can produce pleasurable friction.
between the genitalia and knee that the child may later associate
with the act: What seems indisputable is that spanking is directly
linked to notions of discipline, dominance, and submission. Most
role-play operates within classic disciplinarian relationships:
parent-child ("age-play”), teacher-student, master/mistress~
slave. Most spankos prefer to bea "top" or a"bottom” (exceptions
call themselves switches")
David was not spanked asa child, but at IS heread aseries
of erotic novels on spanking, and two years later he discovered
spanking magazines that madehimrealize he"wasnot alone
‘and there was a group out there that was interested inthis.”
immersedhimseifin the scene inhistwenties.
Jessicaand lascendstairsto aloft wherea woman spanks
abare-bottomedman with a wooden spatula in alternating
patterns (eft-right/left-right,left-left/right-right, etc), mixing
inloving rubdowns. David later explains that professional-ievel
spankings not as easy as itlooks: "it's anartformuntoitself-it
thas ts own nuances” For hand spanking, "you wantto cup your.
hand soit spreads out the impact and is more controlled. You
don't wantto create athud impact that would leave a bruise.”
Some people prefer their spanking rough, stinging, and loud:
‘others, more sensual and subdued. Wood is unforgiving on the
PENTHOUSES
THREE PEOPLE
DELICATELY STROKE
A NUDE WOMAN ON
A TABLE WITH KNIVES
AND STEEL CLAWS.
skin, whereas leather has more flexibility, but David points out
that the wielder,not the tool, controls the sensory experience.
con take any toy in my toy bag and make it fee! like snow falling
ona bamboo leaf," he says. (There's a rift between spankos and
full-blown S&M practitioners; the latter disdain the former as
entry-level and innocuous. David disagrees, but when the club
turnsinto an S&M party after afewhours andi watch three people
delicately stroke a nude woman's body ona table with knives and
steel claws, | see their point.)
Despite the stress relief and sense of belonging the club
affords him, David radiates aloneliness beyond that of atypical
single male searching for a woman ina bar. He can be inalong-
term relationship only with a woman who is equally investedin
spanking: hehas not toldhis best friend of 20 years about his
fetish his friendships in New York areapparently confined to
other spankers. While he plays briefly with a woman, he spends
much of the nightroaming the club aloneand entering others’
conversations. He seems well Iked and quite happy (he wouldn't.
trade his fetish for anything), but Jessica and I both sensea void
that must be the flip side of fetishism: As efficiently as it gratifies
aspecialized erotic longing every now and then, italienates the.
fetishist at all other times. It's hard to feel connected tothe rest of.
humanity when you're considered a deviant.
become desensitized to the spanking after an hour or two.
(The only realawkwardness emerges when Jessicaandi see
aman who previously introduced himself to us now standing,
completely nude, inside a steel cage. Do we acknowledge himas
we pass by, or does he get off on being ignored? We compromise
by silently nodding, and hereciprocates.) I would like to talk to.
someofthe more attractive women about spanking, таубе
even try it out as both atop and a bottom (a closet switch. A
female Dracula, strong-featured with dark hair and a black cape,
catches my eye, but I'm too meek to approach her. Meanwhile,
Jessica sswarmed whenever | leave her alone. At the bar, a black
manina Tiki Barber football jersey and his white friend (he of the
all-leather getup) try to pick up two good-looking women. "Just.
Чо what you want todo; the leather wearer philosophizes in his
Jersey accent. "Noone cares. They геа! busy paying theirtaxes”
Не points at his wardrobe. “You think I was always like this?" he.
says, to appreciative female laughter
Asthe party winds down, Jessicaand lleave for a partyin
hipster-infested Wiliamsburg, Brooklyn. I can't help but see
the worldthrough glasses the color of a rosy, recently spanked
behind: twentysomethings in trendy outfits just as absurdas, if
more socially acceptable than, leather and chains, lubricating
themselves with shots of tequila, grinding on the dance floor
for sexual stimulation and human contact, fetishizing and
‘compartmentalizing themselves and one another (the fresh-
faced blonde. the shaggy-haired indie rocker the svelte Asian
woman)—and a numberof David 007s wandering the periphery,
Plogybacking on téte-à-tétes, occasionally musteringup the
courage to flirt withagirland, more often than not, being denied,
all hoping to find that one special someone to play with Otm
Teddy Wayne sa freelance writer in St. Louis. His workhas
appeared in Time, the New York Times, and McSweeney's.
The fiery Justine Jolisays she’s abignerd with astrange love
for geeky sci-fi, but watch as she gets twisted
inthe sheets and we think you'll agree: She may be red hot,
but she’s also the coolest girl we know.
Photographs by Preston Geoffrey Parker
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“avid "Disco D" Shayman lived by an equation for what
he called "positive pimpin'": (Pos En-Neg EnXNT) f R. As
he told a friend, this stood for "Positive Energy minus Negative
Energy times Networks times Time to the power of Individuality
‘and ideas equals Results." And in Shayman's 26 yearson earth.
those results had come at a breakneck pace.
Ateenage deejay prodigy from Ann Arbor, Michigan, DiscoD
Was apioneer of Detroit's raunchy ghetto-tech scene, putting
‘out mix tapes and compilations and garnering national attention,
includinga feature in a1998issue of Details while he was a
freshman at the University of Michigan. Не ran his own record
labelout of his dormroom and, through mad skills and equally
mad ambitions, quickly ascendedto the top of the deejay heap
in Detroit. After college, he moved to New York to makehisname
‘as abeat master, and within two years he was producing tracks
for 50 Cent, Lil Wayne, Chamillionaire, and others. He had agor-
geous Brazilian fiancée, his own lavish recording studio, anda
smallarmy of admiring interns. But somehow noneofthis-not.
the success or the acclaim or the affirmation that his dreams were
already coming true—was enough to keep him among the living.
When he spun records, Disco О had the habit of sticking out his
tongue, It was a subconscious, defiant gesture froma deejay
Wunderkind who relished being a fish out of water. In the gritty
World of urban Detroit, he was an anomaly—a nerdy Jew, a.
doctor's son from Ann Arbor playing thundering, ass-jiggling
dance musicat raves, house parties, and strip clubs.
for predominantly black crowds. Wheneverhe
woulddrop a huge tune, the Michael Jordan-esque
tongue slithered up toward his nose asifto say
“Fuck race. Black or white- lm the best there is”
David Shayman was reborn “Disco D” after his
skating buddies saw a photo of him executing а
Jump with his arms posed ike John ТтауойаЗ in
Saturday Night Fever), He was an exceptionalin-line
skater—andeven toyed with the idea of going pro
but any thoughts of skating for a living came toan
‘end in 1996, when 16-year-old David and his friend
Aaron Deakins wentto a rave in downtown Detroit.
Astechno legend Cari Craig spun in the main venue,
the 10th graders wandered Into a side room where
Detroit deejays Gary Chandler and D. Godfather
were dropping raunchy cuts of ghetto-tech a
mixture of hip-hop, house, and techno laced with
more X-rated moaning about asses andtitties than
aporn soundtrack. “His eyes got really big and this
huge smile came across his face," Deakins recalls.
He always said ghetto-tech was the first musiche
could really feel”
Thenext day, Shayman bought a mixer and two turntables,
‘and was soon spendinghour after hour cutting and scratching
‘and honing his newfound skills, which were aided by his
ambidexterity. Shayman's parents divorced around this time, and
David withdrew into music as his obsession with spinning records
grew. Hisnewlivingarrangements- splitting time between his
mother and father—madeit easier forthe high school sophomore
toslipaway to spin late-night sets at clubsin Ann Arbor and,
eventually, Detroit.
Knowing that few of the players in the Detroit music scene.
wouldtakea teenage deejay seriously, Shay man toiled harder
thananyone and promoted himself mercilessly. While some
deejays like Chandler and Godfather took him under their wing,
others were skeptical. "A lotof peoplein Detroit were suspicious
of Dave; says Sam ValentilV, a close friend and the owner of
Ghostly international, a prominent electronic record label that.
Shaymanhelped launch. "Detroit маза city that expects you to.
kowtow to your elders. Here's this 17-year-old whitekid blowing
everyone away. He wasn't embraced by that scene:
Still, DiscoD packed them inat raves and clubsandhada.
\Wednesday-night residency at the Blind Pig in Ann Arbor. He held
his first record-release party at another Ann Arbor club where а
friendhad imported several strippers from Detroit;Shayman's
parents watched from the sidelines. He even spun ata rave on
prom night while his date waited patiently in the wings.
But while his dedication to deejaying was unmatched, his
desire to bea star businessman began to take hold. Shayman
"DETROIT WASACITY
THAT EXPECTS YOU TO
KOWTOW TO YOUR ELDERS.
HERE'S THIS T7-YEAR-
OLD WHITE KID BLOWING
EVERYONE AWAY”
'envolledin business school at the University of Michigan and
formedhisfirst record label, GTI Recordings. He still played gigs,
‘often reading economics textbooks in the car before his sets. And
he continued his relentless, sometimes annoying self-promotion,
driving into Detroit with copies of his latest singles such as "Dick
That Bitch Down" (written when he was stilla virgin)--to take to
strip clubs and radio stations.
"He was really aggressive; says Valenti. "He had such a confi-
dence. it was exciting tobe around him;he was on another level.
He was touching something other people in the Midwest weren't."
Bythetime he graduated from Michigan with honors, Shayman
felt that he had taken Detroit as far as he could. Hewas frustrated
that ghetto-tech was having trouble attracting an audience
‘outside the 313 area code and felt the scene's big players were
falling to promote the sound, sche moved to New York. "He hit
aceiing in Detroit," says Valenti. "When he moved to New York,
he started producing and realized that that was what he really
wanted ко do. None of theother ghetto-tech guys did that. He got
‘out ofthe local scene and madeit. He livedup to his bravado”
Iftherewasa city made or Disco D, New York wasit. Once
there, he milked the child-deejay-prodiay story astutely,
befriending journalists andtastemakers who were wowed
by his charisma, his seemingly limitless energy and masterful
networking. He spun ghetto-tech at his now-infamous Booty
Barparties held at such downtown clubs as Plant Barand Fiter
14, but soon realized that the frenetic, sped-up sound had ittie
‘commercial potential. The last thing he wanted to end up doing
was spinning “Ass Titties" for the same 200 people each week.
In 2005 he released his final mix CD, Night at the Booty Bar,
then shiftedhis attention to his recording studioin a dingy, rat-
infested basement apartment in Willamsburg, Brooklyn, and
started churning out beats. The goal:to be the next Timbaland.
This was the era when producers became super producers- fi
tures thatnearly eclipsed the star power of the artists, Timbaland,
Pharrell Wiliams, and Rodney Jerkinsallused their prowess
behindthe board tocarveout such strong reputations that
their mere connection toan album lent it instant credibility and
commercial buzz.
Producers like Timbaland can command mid-six figures just
foraproductionfee, with a 50/50 spit on the song's royalties on
top ofthat. So, for example, when Justin Timberlake's "Cry Mea
River" blew up, suddenly Timbaland was using $100 bills for toilet
paper. But Shayman wasn't Timbaland (not yet, anyway), and the
young deejay had to hustle to make itin an often brutal business,
spending day after day, night after night, crafting eats for indus-
try tastemakers. Finally, one of his tapes made it into the hands of.
influential deejay Cipha Sounds, who hired Shayman to work on.
fivetracks for the 2004 debutrecord of R&B duo Nina Sky.
It was abreak, buteven by New York standards, Shayman's
Uultra-aggressive MO would prove problematic. Flush with the
success of Nina Sky, Shayman began pressuring Cipha Sounds for
тоге work, wearing down the producer so much that he severed.
his relationship with Shayman, "He pushed Cipha too hard." says
Gregg DeMammos, Shayman's manager at the time."Cipha, to his
credit, moves at a very deliberate pace. And with D it was always
150 miles per hour At times | wondered where the idle was.
‘Shayman's family and friends were starting to pickupon
certain behavioral tics. He had always been high energy, but
nowthe highs seemed to last longer and were more intense. His
speech was high-pressure, he had aninflated sense of self, and.
һе often goaded friends to, in DeMammos’s words, "be with him.
ог against him." Moreover, as anyone in the music industry can.
tel you, it'sa business built on sleaze. Ask anyone in hip-hop and
theyll tell you it's even worse, even more heartiess and shifty
After aparticularly severe bouto! mania followed by a deep
depression Shayman sought the counselofa doctor and in late
2004 was formally diagnosed with manic depression and bipolar
disorder. (Shayman's grandfather, a Holocaust survivor who
also suffered from manic depression and bipolar disorder killed
himself when David was 11) It was obvious to Shayman's friends
that he was struggling to finda balance. "D was open about his
mania; says Guy Licata, a music supervisor who sometimes hired
Shayman."Buthe rarely usedit as an excuse or a crutch. He didn't
want you to feel sorry for him. Itwasa part of his Ме, and he dealt
withit"
Dealing with it meant using various medications, but Shayman
wouldoften stop taking them because they dampened his
creativity. He turned to weed, smoking as much as an ounce a
week. Shayman who was now 25, would continue to stay up
all night workingon tracks, doing music forcommercials and
television shows to make money But he was determined to fulfil
his dream of being a big-time producer, and soona huge break
presenteditself. Shayman's publicist had slipped a tape of his
beats toa friend of SO Cent's who signed Shayman to produce
"Ski Mask Way. a standout trackon the star's multiplatinum 2005
album The Massacre. This was it: the breakhehadached for. But
what should have been a springboard intothe upper echelons of
producing turned out to be the beginning of his downward spiral
For his work on the 50 Cent track, Shayman received a produc-
tion advance of $4,250; though thealbum would sell more than.
nine milion copies, that was the only money he would ever see.
Shaymaris trackincluded a sample of the O Jays" "What Am
Iris
| Waiting For; and tsuseis at thecenter of a three-year-old
dispute. 50 Cent's attorney, Theodore Sedimayr says they were
unaware of the sample use when Shayman submitted the track.
Ordinarily. a producer and songwriter split royalties 50/5000.
‘each track, but because Shayman used the sample, Sedimayer
maintains that the O'Jays’ cut of the profits (whichis estimated
tobe in the six figures) shouldcome from Shayman's portion
of the royalties. Shayman's positionis thatthe O'Jays’ royalties
should come from both his and SO's earnings, giving them 25
percenteach, with the O'Jays receiving the remaining SO percent
Sedimayrsays that will never happen. "50's lyrics are original,
Disco D's music wasnot,"hesays. "The only producers we would
‘ever agree to split the sample royalty rate with are Dr. Dre or
Eminem. And no disrespect to Disco D, but he was no Dr Dre”
Shayman's manager, Jim Welch says the 50 Cent camp was
fully aware that the song's instrumental part contained the O'Jays
sample. "That's why they loved the track” says Weich. "We were
up front with everything, and now they don't
‘want to pay" Welch estimates that Shayman
sowed inthe mid-six figures for his work on.
‘Ski Mask Way"—cash that would have comein.
handy, as Shayman had moved into a much better
apartment and begun spending the funds he
thought he was owed but hadnot yet been paid.
Thedebts werestarting to mount.
Tryingto get paid was an exercise in futility and
asource of enormous stress for Shayman. It was
acrushing blow, his first taste of the big time: big-
time lawyers andbig-time hassles. Friends recall
hearing Shayman screaming into his cellphone,
pleading with his attorney to work out a deal.
"Getting stiffed by 50 definitely hit him hard.” says
Valenti. "He was getting his dream, but ata cost.
He had to go through so much bullshit togetto
that point”
With the 50 Cent mess gnawing athim,
Shayman's focus turned south. He wentto Brazil
todeojayandmet Luciana Vendramini, an actress
‘and former model, at a party. Given his minor
celebrity status, Shayman had no trouble getting
дїї (he once boasted to Valenti that he had slept
with more than 100 girls by the time he was 19),
but this one was different. His voracious sexual
appetite was replacedby an almost puppy-like
devotion tohis new girlfriend. "Most of you:
probably wondering what happened tome,” һе
wrote inan e-mailto friends. "Others of you are
hearing rumors of a goddess from the Amazon.
Who has kidnappedme... Well the rumors aretrue
and!'mthe happiest Гуе ever been in my life.” He
was so smitten that he learned Portuguese on the
Ay justby talking to her.
Shayman began making frequent trips to
Brazil immersing himself in Brazilian hip-hop. He
became obsessed with Brazilan baile funk, the
raucous samba-inflected dance sounds rooted
in the favelas of Rio de Janeiro. He formed the
urban label Gringo Louco (‘crazy whiteman")
and engineered the rise of Braza. a supergroup
‘combining some of the country's most prominent
rappers. He also made some ill-advised business
decisions, sinking thousands of dollars into
importing Brazilian rolling papers.
‘And while friends describe Vendramini, who was now Shay-
man’s fiancée, as "sweet" and “gorgeous,” many of them qualify
that with “volatile” Vendraminihadhadher own bouts with
mental problems, even penning а book about her struggle with
obsessive-compulsive disorder She wasn't an ideal partner
for Shayman, who'd been on such thin mental ce that any little
thing could send him into a three-month mania, followed by
adisastrous bout of despondency.”l just didnot lookat that
relationship asonethat was goingto provide him withalot of
long-term stability” says David's father, James.
When David would return to New York, it was clear to those
oseto him that the grind of the city and the intensity of his inter-
Continental relationship with Vendramini was taking its toll. He'd
spend a few months with her in Brazil then a fewin New York,
anditbecameapparentto Vendramini that her boyfriend was
becoming two different people. “In Brazil he was wonderful, but
in New York he was so different.” she says. "Work would swallow.
himupwhen we were in New York. He always told me that being
aproducer is so difficult. One month is perfect, next month is
horrible. He was so sensitive to those changes."
‘Shayman was still smoking alot of pot to calm down, but
ERST =
Detroit Tech City
HE ACCUMULATED $100,000
INDEBT WHILE HE WAITED
FORA SETTLEMENT. HE WENT
BACK ON HIS MEDICATION,
EVEN THOUGHIT LEFT HIM IN
CREATIVE DARKNESS.
the marijuana would intensity his bipolarity. He would regularly
berate his interns at the studio, humilatingthemin front of one.
another and making them scrub the toilets with toothbrushes,
He announced to friends that he wanted to build a co-op
farmin Jamaica. He was convinced that he was able to bend
spoons with his mind, and began an e-mail correspondence.
with paranormalist Uri Geller. “It's comical on the surface." says
his father, "but then you realize how disturbing it really is. Em
thinking, what is going on?
At that point, Shayman was spending much more money
thanhe was taking in. His studio was tricked out with the
latest equipment: multiple computers, mixers, and a 42-inch
plasma television. He was producing and doing remixes for
Chamillionaire, Lil Wayne, and Trick Daddy, but he was relying on
commercial and ring-tone work for most of his cash. He needed
that next big thing. And he thought he found it in, of all people,
Kevin Federline.
‘Shayman spent a month with K-Fed in California and gave him
some of his best Braziian-flavored beats, still dripping with the
street grime of his glory days in Detroit. He was so high energy
all the time," Federline says. As the world's attention focused
on Federline and his new bride, Britney Spears, K-Fed and his
producerretreated to the couple's opulent home studio in their.
Malibu mansion. Shayman told friends that he and K-Fed would
smoke pot constantly, raising the ire of Spears, who demanded
that her bodyguards thwart local dealers from making their
regular rounds. When called for comment, Federline said, “Dave
was smokingalot.Iwasn’tdaingit much”
Critics and friends slammed him for working with K-Fed, but
‘Shayman saw it as an opportunity. "He was never too cool for
something; һе saw it asa chance to make some good music.” says
Valenti. "Не was really invested” Shayman ended up producing
fivesongs for Federline, including the single"PopoZao; butinthe
end, Federline didn't use any of them on his album—another blow
toShayman."He was disappointed, but just wentina different
direction," Federline says.
Thealbum wasa commercial bomb, but by now, Shayman's
personal problems were big ger than Ророао” He felt his life
was crumbling. After months of tumult, he and Vendramini called
itauits. While part of Shayman realized that it was inevitable,
friends say he was devastated. Mindful that hehadtriedto
commit suicideat least once before, friends were especially
freaked out when Shayman would make comments like, "I think i
jump out the window”
“We talked about his mental illness a lot” says Valenti. "urged
himto goto the hospital;henever did” But it wasn't ike he
was staying in bed. Instead, he threw himself into his work "He
would be working for like 18 hours straight, constantly tweaking
his beats.” says DJ Annalyze,a close friend who checked on
Shayman frequently.“ literally would have to drag him outside to
go get something to eat or goto a movie”
Shayman was astute enough about his illness to know that if he
dwelledon the negative, meant a rapid downward spiralinto the
black hole of depression One of his mottoes was Hustle harder,
and he was hustling. Despite monkeying around with different
medications and seeing doctors and therapists, Shayman began
tocontemplate achange indirection. “The thing about D
says Licata, "s that he always had a plan. He knew there would
berough patches” Inthelastfew months of 2006, it became
apparent that things in New York werenot getting any better.
Shayman had maxed out several credit cards, accumulating
almost $100,000 in debt while he waited for a settlement from.
the 50 Cent track He went back on his medication, even though it
lef him languishing in creative darkness.
At last, Shayman was beginning to sense a crushing defeat. Ho.
was a wunderkind, someone who had ventured from home and
struck gold in the big city. But here he was, broke, heartbroken,
beaten down by the music business, and unsure of where to
tum. Forsomeone as driven and focused as D, defeat was
completely foreign territory. He and his father began having
long conversations about Shayman living in New York. James
‘Shayman was pushing his son to leave New York and find a stable,
more traditionaljob in the entertainment industry. His son agreed,
and by the end of the year, he—and his dreams-- packed up and
left New York, bitter broke, and defeated
While his family and friends felt that life in New York was
exacerbating his mania and bipolar disorder, some wonder if his.
decision toleave was a mistake. Though he seemed excited about
the future—working with new rappers and planning a tour of his
own—he was still struggling with his medication. Because he was
living with his motherin Washington, D.C, he stopped smoking
weedand likely was experiencing side effects, such as anxiety
and sleeplessness. "When went to his apartment with him for
the last time, it was empty,” Licata says. "And there was sucha
darkness around him.”
‘And yet, there were indications that Shayman was on the
rebound. He was eating well, exercising regularly; he seamed
markedly better He planedon staying with his mother for six
months or s0,enough time to regain his footing financially and.
emotionally. Things finally were looking up. Then on January 23,
2007, Shayman hanged himself in his mother's home.
Everyone who knew Disco D agrees he was force of nature—a
gifted, driven figure capable of pissing off friends one moment
and turning on the charm the next. He hustled faster, stronger,
and harder than most, andlived and died reciting his own posi-
tive-pimpin' equation. "You can use this for anything: love, work,
investments,” Shayman always said. "Apply it to any scenario;it's
positive pimpin’, and itworks” Though the words ive on, they
didn't work for him. "He was such a kid, a kid witha dream who
was so pure and magical; says Vendramini. "And he tried so hard
tofixeverything and makeit better, but he just couldn't "On
Matt Hendrickson writes for Details and USA Weekend, and is an
instructor at the University of Missouri School of Journalism.
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CollegeHumor
ae
How toseem like a better person without actually doing anything.
This month: entertaining
By Amir Blumenfeld, Ethan Trex, and Neel Shah
Photograph by Nick Ferrari .
here is only oneruleto remember when enter-
taining inan adult situation fit seemed like a
great ideaincollege,it is now a horribleidea. This
sentiment includes, but is not limited to, funneling
beers, tapping kegs, and taking midterms.
Instead, just try standing or sitting around and
talking. Don't worry, people will still be drinking
continuously, so there's no diminished chance that youll have
someone spend the night. However, you don't have to takeoff
your shirt and refer to yourself as "the Omega Stud" to make this
happen anymore; some witty banter will work much better.
Don'tbe intimidated by having guests over. Inviting people
into your home shows that you're confident enough in your
culinary and hostingabiltiestotake on a challenge, and people
will generally be happy with free booze and snacks, no matter
how they taste. Unless you give them all food poisoning. Luckily,
We've covered that, too.
‘COOKINGFOR GUESTS
The easiest way to impress guests, especially giris, is by being
ableto cook. Atthis point you're probably saying, "But wait a
minute .. can'tcook anything more complicated than Pop Tarts,
and the ones with icing are still too tricky for me.” To which we
say “Of course you can't” It doesn't matter. Unless they ve been
toculinary school almost ай young men are terrible cooks. Girls
will stil give youpointsif you cook for them. Partofthe points are
for effort, and if you doit confidently, girls won't be able to tell
‘Wa PENTHOUSECOM
youhavenoidea what you're doing. Have you koke dat the crap
they eat? Protein bars, imp salads, skinless chicken breasts .. You
don'thave to be that smug bastard Wolfgang Puck to win over
agiri through cooking. With the right attitude and easy recipes,
youcan fake your way through the kitchen and straight into the
bedroom.
REFILLING LOUORBOTTLES.
Youmay think good parties are
merely about finger foods, mood
lighting, and playlists. However, no
amount of chicken satay or Pure
Prints Not
80's Volume 12 will compensate for
to tat in
cheapliquor As such, you should
r only servethe finest top-shelf
liquors at your parties.
This doesn'thaveto be as
expensive as it sounds. People's
palates aren't as tuned to tiny
differences among spirits as they dliketo think. They assume
Ketel One isa delicious vodka because itcomes ina nice bottle
andisexpensive, but they dont notice a difference nits taste. As
such, what you really need are the bottles of these liquors. Find
‘empty bottles somewhere, perhaps by buying an initial bottle
ofthe good stuff аз а fixed-cost capital investment. Then, when
you have parties, just buy whatever crap they re sellingin plastic.
handles at theliquor store and refill your top-shelf bottles witht
KITCHEN GADGETS TO IMPRESS PEOPLE.
Cookingis like Cartesian philosophy: Perception is reality. Even
Ifyou don't really know what you're doing, stocking your kitchen
with the right gadgets can make people think you do.
* perpen MLL—the quickest way tolook Ikea real cook
* BUTANEKITCHEN TORcH-Nothing’s manlier than a source of fire,
venif you purchased it at Williams-Sonoma,
* wuısxs—Whisks aro cheap and aesthetically striking. Scientists.
have stil not found a practical use fora whisk that doesnt
involve impressing girls.
* KNFESHARPENER--Real cooks are anal about their knives.
You've been using this gadget to sharpen your Mach 3 blades,
but noone has to know that.
* CITRUS zesreR—While using it, you can say stuff like, "Back in the
day, айко zest my own citrus.
* OMELET PAN-— For whatever reason, being able to fip things ina
panimpresses people.
* GREEN TABASCO—A drop or two makes almost any recipe taste
better. Please note: This does not apply to applesauce.
* coppen-sorTom pan—because people, like raccoons, аге
impressed by shiny things. The bottoms are tough to keep shiny,
but since you'renot going to really cook with them, it shouldn't
be too tough.
* GARLICINA HANGING BRAID—also useful for deterring vampires
[APPRECIATING APRONS.
You may think they're feminine, but wearingan apron is far better
than having flour all over your shirt when your guests arrive. Shell
ONE RULE TO REMEMBER
WHEN ENTERTAINING: IF
IT SEEMED LIKE A GREAT
IDEA IN COLLEGE, IT IS
NOW A HORRIBLE IDEA.
THIS INCLUDES, BUT IS NOT
LIMITED TO, FUNNELING
BEERS AND TAPPING KEGS.
Ti PENTHOUSECOM
‘out afew bucks fora decent apron, but make sure it's fairly plain.
Anything witha slogan like "Kiss the cook" willmake you look ike
asadsuburban dad.
MAGAZINES TOLEAVESITTNGAROUND
‘Simply having awell-Furnishedhouse or apartment isn't going to
be enough to convince visitors that you'rethe sort of sophisticate
they should admire. The easiest way to play up this facade is by
planting magazines of culture, taste, and scholarly insight (ie,
those you don't actually read) around your home. Some of the
best are:
кою TOUSEIT It's British, so you can claim it "provides news
without American bias"
POTENTIAL созун ОЕ British spellings will begin to seep into your
skull. Nobody wants to read about the colour of labour.
How TOUSEIT The greatest pretentious magazine of all time lets
you drop such gems as, "W.S. Men ame may be German.
for Merlin’ but his poem in this week's issueis less than magical"
Chuckle condescendingly. You're so in.
POTENTIAL DOWNSIDE Particularly stupid visitors will point out that
you dont even vein New York
How TOUSEIT Spend three weeks getting through a14,000-word
feature on the failure of American troops to adequately dispose
of Sunniinsurgents in raa,
POTENTIAL DOWNSIDE: devoting three weeks to a single article
How TOUSE!T: Impress that gir who's individualistic and artsy in
the exact same way every other hipster is individualistic and artsy.
POTENTIAL DOWNSIDE Spending $23 on a magazine means you'll
have to start spending $109 on books. t's all relative.
ow тобет. Nothing suggests you're n the know about the
entertainment industry quite Ikea daily гад with unintelligible
headlines.
POTENTIAL DOWNSIDE If someone asks, you'll have no idea what
the headline "Mouse House Hoofer's Spex Find New Legs on Fall
Sked" means.
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Her Happy Ending
Aguycanreceive an erotic massageand get off
easy, but can a masseuse rub a woman їп all the right ways?
By Ashley Paige Photograph by Nick Ferrari
hristina stands over my prone,
( nearly nude body, lightly
scratching figure eights on my
butt cheeks,
Does this feel good?” she asks.
"Yes," Isay. А CD player emits the
softelectric guitar and bamboo flute
of Oasis Night, and a candle exudes
sweet, soporific lavender. Isa cold,
rainy Sunday, but the drawn blinds
inthis dimly itofficeblockoutthe
World, Christina reaches for the oil
and asks meto tum over, andi begin
to wonder if my experiment will work:
Can this fortysomething woman
actually get meoff?
Ihave come te lieon Christina's
massage table for soveralreasons—
daredevil tendencies, revenge on
men whofalled to satisfy me, and.
simple curiosity—but 'vealsogotan
agenda: | wantto find out ifa woman,
this woman, can disregard the source.
‘of her pleasure andjust enjoy the ide.
Can! be brought to a manual climax
by a highly skilled stranger—you
know, the way men can?
Men's happy-ending massages
are almostas easy to findas cheap
noodles in Chinatown and it makes
me thinkthat women are getting
shafted .. cheated. whatever. Where
cana woman go to get the same
service that a man can? And сап
she even derive pleasure from such
clinical, disconnected sex? And can
this stranger even find the right spots?
Orwilli walkaway with blueballs?
Istarted, where ай such searches
inevitably do, on Craigslist com.
Do you offer women's massage?"
I asked anybody who answered the
phone from postings advertising
erotic release” My inquiries were
met with awkward silences, blunt
sorries, and indecipherable Chinese
‘orKorean..or something. Onesassy
masseuse even said she was afraid I
was trying to bust a husband. "Guy.
leaves a card in his pocket, wife does
the laundry. Happens all the time,”
shesaid.
Other Internet searches unearthed
‘questionable men offering the
servicefor free. One persistent guy
Ie PENTROUSECON
repeatedly called my cellphone.
offering to bathe me, coddle me, and
give me the special treatment. Ле will
be very nice; he said ina strong Indian
accent. “Very nice!” Obviously, the
forces of supply and demand have
eliminated the need for a woman to
pay for play was definitely not into
some salivating, ersatz masseur with
‘permanent erection and a need to
cuddle afterward. I wanted a sexually.
uninvolved professional. wanted a
straight woman.
Eventually found a group that
accordingto the Website offered a
specialty massage just forupscale
career women=iikeme—and
promisedto give methe release |
deserve,
Amen, sisters,
booked Christina (not her real
name), aholistic health expert. Her
picture hinted at a sensual demeanor
and delicate fingers. Oh, the places
they d go!
Itis pouring in Manhattan when!
arrive, andmy ain-soaked clothes
feel heavy and cold against my skin as
{sit in the waiting room, anticipating
ту 30 minutes with Christina. The
situation is familar. Alas, ayear
ago, purchased a massage for a
pioneering friend. waited forher in
the lobby. She sauntered outafter
her appointment, pink-facedand
grinning. When asked her about it
shegiggledandsaid in a satisfied
tone, "need a cigarette." | wantthe
same experience.
After awhile, Christina rounds the
corner wearing black slacks anda
long black jacket. Herhairfalls at the
sides of her face, framing her big eyes,
rounded nose, and overripe red lips.
Sheis short—even inheels-and has
the gait of an Oompa-Loompa. (Uh-
‘oh, 'mgatting judgmental. But can't
help thinking about whether llibe a
badegg. like Veruca Salt)
Sheleads me into an adjoining
тоот, whisks off er coat, evealinga.
loose black tanktop, andasks me, in
asmoky Kathleen Turner huff, to strip.
andlieonthetable. The CD's flute
music begins as she stands above me,
| WAS DEFINITELY
NOT INTO
A MASSEUR WITH
A PERMANENT
ERECTION AND
A NEED TO CUD
AFTERWARD.
‘arching her back like a catand moving
her hands in the air above my body, as
if casting a spell
Finally the hands make contact,
sending a tingle through my core.
She begins gently rubbing my shoul-
ders, pressing my tight muscles
элд digging under my shoulder
blades. Shekeops putting my arms in
chicken-wing positions, then nearly
pulling them out of the socket. It's
‘awkward; but hey, my muscles are
relaxing, so maybe there's something
toit. Soon, shesqueezesa dollop of oll
оп my back and smears it right upto
the tan line above my butt.
“Women crave thesensual touch of
another woman,” she whispers.
Statistics aren't exactly available,
but according to Christinaandthe
‘Quy who answers the group's phone,
underground women-to-women
‘massages are becoming more
Popular Five percent of Christina's
clients are female. They are lawyers,
doctors, businesswomen--the kind of
people withhigh-stress jobs whocan
afford to shed some wallet weight
‘Some are part of couples that share
his/hers appointments because they
liceto watch eachother gat off. "Most
of the women are repeat customers,”
the guy said, who come (literally)
about every two weeks. There are
121015 regulars—a markediy higher
number than the handful who made
appointments a decade ago, but still
amarginalelement of thebusiness. A
few of themask for a male masseur.
but most prefer a woman.
Christina lacks the knot-seeking
sense had wanted, but her hands eel
soothing on my skin. Maybe wil end
up leaving witha smile and theurge
tosmoke. But once theerotic part
commences, Christina seems like a
virginon prom night. She asks meto
turnover and promptly sloshes ойоп.
my body. Then, after massaging my
chest, sheasks, Is itokay ifl touch
your breasts? Women always need to
beasked permission”
She asks ahead of time if she
can remove my underwear. 1 nod in
response, then she slips them off
slowly and delicately while gazing
intomyeyes Buti donot wanta
‘connection with her. This is supposed
tobe strictly physical for me, not
somescene from TheL Word.
"Does this feel good?” she rasps,
dragging her nailsup and down ту
thighsand twirling themin circles
оп my stomach. "Yes; Ilie. Imafraid
tohurt her feelings-Im as dry as
the Sinai Plus, why isn't she wearing
gloves?
Bythetime her hands make their
way down, want to run outof the
room. 'membarrassed for her, and
nowhere near capable of having.
an orgasm. She smoarsoilover my
crotch—which makes it too slippery to
feel friction, After ineptly toying with
my dit ike some acne-ridden high
school boyfriend under the bleachers,
shesighs and asks for direction.
Please tum into an arrogant,
emotionally distant man with an
alcoholic father and a large penis, |
want to say. "Maybe change up the
pace alittle,” is what comes out
Butinstead of tweaking her
technique, she takes my righthand
inhersandlanguidly drags it across
my thigh andintomy nether regions.
‘Then she takes a definitive step back—
which basically means lam paying
$130 for astrange woman to watch.
me masturbate. After a minute or so,
I give up. Good thing!’m expensing
this, I think "m having a hard time
letting 9o tell her. She says that's
understandable; should be proud of
my progress inthis session (as if this is
therapy) Then she gently places my
underwear on my stomach
quickly step into them and fumble
with the rest of my damp clothes. Ipay
her and leave a $20 tip because | feel
bad that shehad to touch my vagina
andis, perhaps, humiliated that it
didn't respond.
Iscurryoutof the room, past.
the waiting-room couch, wheroa
twentysomething man ina blue
collared shirt sits erect, ike a patient
dogpromiseda treat. He's pretty
hot actually, and under different
circumstances! might say hello.
Butinthis place, | want nothing to
do with him. hate him. Hehas it
easy. Christina will probably have
him writhing with pleasure after 30
seconds. She couldnever dothat for
me. As! walk out, her final words run
through my head again. "Women are
just more complicated than men," she
had said in pathetic consolation. She's
right Maybe! need an emotional
connection. Maybe! should go back
forthe guy inthelobby.Oia
Ashley Paige isa 26-year-old writer
in south Florida. She often covers
sex, leisure, and other indulgences.
DebtintheMilitary
Br
Everyone from Dick Cheney to MoveOnorg believes we should
support the troops in Iraq. So why do we abandon them when they get home?
By Anya Kamenetz Photograph by Nick Ferrari
hrisMeGurkputhislife on the line for his country.
In 1995, the 21-year-old volunteered for the
National Guard because, he tells us, "I felt a sense
of duty to serve. | come from a military family. My
parents were very old-fashioned, with old-school
values-honor, love of country, all that stuft”
For former Sergeant McGurk, "allthat stuff” included two
tours of duty in Afghanistan and Iraq withtho1-87 Infantry. talso
included shrapnel that's embedded in his neck and arm from
arocket-propelled grenade near the Pakistani border. All told,
McGurk spent years in the miltary. You might imagine that
America would reward and protect him once he returned. But
instead, McGurk’s years of service placed himin dire financial
peril working for relatively low pay. saddled with child-support
payments, unable to manage debt, and îving with his mother.
McGurk'sstoryis not unique. tis, infact, all too common.
Asthe all-volunteer military gets increasingly stretched toa
breaking point by the war in iraq, the administration and its
political enemies argue about an exit strategy and people
are finally hearing about the scandals at Walter Reed Army
Medical Center and elsewhere. But hardly anyone, Republican or
Democrat, is speaking out about the second front of the war—the
‘economic consequences for people who put their lives on hold
tofight for their country, only to return home financially strapped
‘and at the mercy of privatecharities.
McGurk had limited employment experience before the
military, working as a groundskeeper and at a Burger King. After
Tie PENTHOUSECOM
returning home to Newburgh, New York, last all he entered tho.
New York City Police Academy But battling post-traumatic stress.
disorder and facing acadet's pay of only $800a month after.
taxes and child support, he eventually dropped out. "The financial
aspectiscrushing me; he says. "When you have to choosea bill
topayevery month, it doesn'twork"
Today, McGurk works for an organization formed tohelpother
military victims—iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of Ameri
Founded by formerFirst Lieutenant Paul Rieckhoffin 2005,
JAVA isthe firstandlargest advocacy group specifically tuned
totheconcernsof veterans of the war on terror. It has lobbied in
Washington about the Walter Reed mess and for improvements,
tothe GI Bill Rieckhoff, who isan infantry officer in the New York
National Guard and served ten months in raa, says that serious
financial stresses are par for the course among those facing
unexpectedly long deployments. "Let's say you're single, trying
tomanage your schoolloans and a mortgage, but you can't get
Internet access over there,” he says. "That makes ittough to pay
your credit-cardbils and move your money around." For troops
inharm's way, worrying about money and supporting the family
back home interferes with their readiness.
One typical veteran we spoketo had along absence from
home thatwas the seed of both personal and financial troubles.
Не got married about six years ago and took out a $40,000.
consolidation loan with the Pentagon Federal Credit Union. The
goal was to pay off his wife's credit-card debt, since he had none
of his own. They decided to roll the note for their new car into the
loan—mistake No. 1; then he had the money direct-debitedfrom
his military paycheck—mistake No. 2.
MILITARY HEROES PUT THEIR
LIVES ON HOLD AND TOO
OFTEN SUFFER OUTRAGEOUS
ECONOMIC CONSEQUENCES.
DebtintheMilitary
"Iwassowrong,Icanrteventell you; he says." My wife
continued with the credit cards and there were so many
‘arguments over that— What are you doing? We need to save.
money. Thisis killing me: "While he was in Iraq, his wife kept
running up credit-card debt and spending money thathe thought
was going into their savings, shopping at Victoria's
Secret and going out. "When youget married, you
have ajoint bank account and you trust the other
person; he says. “| was earningabout $50,000 a year
intax-troe money--that's very tempting." He thought
he had saved at least $25,000 from his pay, but he
returnedto findthe money gone and another man
living in his house.
He got divorced, but fell behind in his payments on
the consolidation oan, which was his responsibility.
Several years later, he's still paying off more than a
thousand dollars.
Stories of financial insecurity are not unique to the
military-they ve become commonplaceintwenty-
first-century America. But, as Rieckhoff points out,
money-management problems multiply when forces Tips for Military ‘us ur vtm
cd (O) ET | uy:
issue is that National Guardsmen and reservists dont рак лакто qu
have any kind of a bridge mechanismifthey make significantly ЕТТІ кнн
less money on active duty.” he says. "Let's say аз a fireman you ——
were earning $60,000. As a sergeant, your salary is $40,000. рисолоти оос) SUTURA TOO
You've still got three kids, a mortgage, car payments. The average ja setup you tet becrect: IL Trata Thrin Savings Plan
Sores sacr morentomyow | umiartos4OR pn Se pan
deployment isa year and а half that's a hard hi to take" Much- decora account tome monthly contr bution
publicized salary increases, he says, aren'tenough to keep forces t mak saving ano brine.
healthy and families strong. "You've still got active-duty people ЕЧ
who are just above the poverty line.” ст €—
And be the milita tohelp soldiers tr iti рет = e
па because the mltarys resources to helo soldiers transition A ET
Ed rper mL
increase after their service. "Theunemeloyrrentrateforretuming AA
young veteransIsthree times the national average Кызыт Ci Fee
Points out Hundreds of them he add many with families, are o ушен.
alresdy burning upin homaless shelters epe ONT Par HORTA
Furthermore, rules mandating that jobs bekept open for een elek
retuming service members don always workin practice Рс локогоовакта | mesercmentercia nasa
you're working for a big company like JPMorgan or Home Depot, [combined income of$40/000 — MActhmitiinteresratestosic.
they can shoulder the financial costs,” Rieckhoff says. "But what sont percent encarta dates euvet
ifyou're ata landscaping business with four employees?” AVA Seen ee
islobbying for taxincentives for small businesses that retain and е ои
hire veterans. secare wm У,
ego foreclose on repossess
‘One financial setback that Chris McGurk didn't have to face DEBT CONSOUDATION yom sue a detut Judgment
was losinghis oma because heandhiswifenever bought one Bee) ee
"We lived in rented] military housing-thank God. he says ME, [personne or hel dependents
Others are not so lucky. Home ownership, the American dream, е "ГУ rencor
isturning sour for some of thosein uniform. As the subprime- own coran n tena MUTARYBENERTS,
mortgage bubble bursts, foreclosures on these riskier loans are emAtatermmtep ii: | BUTWATCHOUTFORSCAMS
hitting record numbers nationwide, and service members are [auo crediors and regotlate service members, vets, or family
far from immune. After increasing during each of the past five en Ss
years, mortgage defaults in the first quarter of 2007 hit one filing токтсовонаокат | metn
for every 264 households, according toindustry reports. Ina o | matay anapo bark wih
heraldof things to come, an Арга investigation by the Fayetteville nr сатану toan ran
Observerin North Carolina, home of Fort Bragg. found that about tad mentadas [entronca op capat
athirdof foreclosureauctions nthe area between 2001 and тане ette Md Вастан ена ао
2005 involved houses owned by active-duty or retired military Kedupwantwoninedcrean | efWareandfiancialcounseling
personnel. Unless our nation acts soon, we couldbeshamedby Scores jnstead of one. been idonee]
anew wave of homeless war-on-terror vets holding cardboard pra
target try tivcuchonine
signs and coffee cups. p
‘One military wife posted a cryforhelpona private charity nsu conan емер
Website called Aidpagein Aprit "My husband hasbeen inured pt
120 PENTHOUSE COM.
SOLDIERS ARE
BUYING HOUSES
THEYD NEVER EVEN
CONSIDERED BEING
ABLE TO AFFORD.
servinginthe U.S, Army. He was inaparachuting accident and
nowhasatraumatic brain injury. Since his accident, we have
struggled off andon financially and emotionally. He s currently in
ahospital in Alaska while am at home in Michigan taking care of
‘our three children. I am alone here and while didhavea job, Iwas
just making enough to pay for child care. In January, was fred.
from my job as our son was sick and had to call in to work to stay
home with him. I donot have anyone here to help me with the kids
other than day care, and they could not take him while he was
sick. have not been able to finda job since. Weare in need of
'$970.72in order to pay our mortgage. After al that has happened
toour family Icry just thinking that we could possiblyloseour
house on top ofit. Please help if you can."
Army Emergency Relief is a quast-official nonprofit relief
‘organization that serves every branch of the military. Founded
during the Second World war ithas seen a sharp increase in
‘economic need since the war on terror began. “In 2005, we gave
‘out $39.5 millon to active and retired soldiers and their widows—
that was a record” says Colonel Greg Mason, a spokesman for the
organization. "In 2006, wegaveout $518 milion, аво a record.
Wecould be up to $65 or $70 million bytheend of 20077 AER
provides an average of $980 at а time to families with amiltary
ID anda documented need, ike acar-repair bill Ninety percent of
the money goes outin the form of interest-free loans, 95 percent
of which areeventually repaid. Rent and mortgage assistanceis
опе of the top three reasons people go to AER.
‘Although the volume of requests has gone up, Mason says,
the basic nature of the need hasn't changed much from previous
wars. The facts of life for active-duty military are similar to what.
they have been throughout history—low pay, frequent moves,
and ong family separations, all of which lead to money problems.
‘Almost half of active-duty personnel are under 25, making
them relatively inexperienced in money management, with little
ornosavings. Three-fourths of those on active duty earn less than
$30,000. Miltary divorce rates increased after the war began,
often leading to financial struggles andthe cost of maintaining
two households. Factorin new and seductive financial
instruments, like dangerous zero-down mortgages, and you have
arecipefortrouble."Scidiers are buying houses they would never
have even considered being able to afford.” Mason says, "and the
Piper doesnt haveto get paiduntil three or four years down the
road when suddenly the balloon payment comes due $3000"
‘Steep sum on an enlisted man's salary. Furthermore, for more
than 50 percent of married reservists, getting called up means a
loss of income, making it harder to meet an existing mortgage.
Aprivate group called USA Cares, founded in Kentucky at
the beginning of the war, has distributed more than half a million.
dollars in mortgage assistance since January 2006, preventing
168 foreclosures by their count But they, as well as Army
Emergency Relief, agree that many service members may be
too proud to ask or help, ог simply aren't aware of the resources.
available. 1 was afraid to call, afraid to hope that someone would
beable to help with our home; Catherine Lopez, wife of Sergeant
Hector Lopez, а wounded soldier from Fort Bliss in El Paso, Texas,
was quoted as saying ina USA Cares press release. "I didn't
believe there was any group outthereforus...Itis hard toaskfor.
help, but for the first time, after talking with USA Cares, | was able
tosleep, knew we would be okay”
Its nicethatthereare folks willing to help. Butthisis the
wealthiest nation in history, and these men and women have
put their bodies on the line for ай оГ us. What do we give them in
return? Pathetic crumbs like the Servicemembers Civil Relief Act,
Which limits interest rates to six percent on such debt as car loans
‘and home loans (incurred prior to military service) for active-duty
personnel; and makes illegal to foreclose on or evict active-duty
soldiers or their dependents,
But even this minimal protection evaporates within 90 days
of asoidier'sreturn. Anddespite the fact that a version of this
law has been around since 1940, lenders often claim ignorance.
when instituting eviction or foreclosure, and military families are
frequently unaware oftheir rights. Soldiers or their families must
apply forthe interest-rate waiver in writing and includea copy of
their deploymentorders.
Rieckhoff and McGurk are advocating that the military
institute a rigorous program of financial education and planning.
Right now, Rieckhoff says, soldiers are basically dependent on
guidance from their superiors. "You have the 19-year-oldgoing to
27-year-old sergeant saying, Hey, Sarge, need help, " he says.
"Of course, thesergeant's probably trained as a machine gunner
nota financial planner”
‘One positive development is that AER has started a pilot
program thathires retiredofficers to teach an eight-hour
financial-management class to all new soldiers called into active
duty. The problem is getting eager young warriors to isten.
McGurk says the financial wisdom the Army currently tries to
impart—ina mandatory session held after soldiers come home
doesnt really make а dent. "Guys don't care. They re not listening,
not paying attention If you just spent the last eight months
getting shot at. do you really wantto sit through eight hours of
даззез оп financial readiness? You just want to get away fromthe
organization that got you shot atin the frstplace "Oa
Theauthorisajournalistic fellow at theFreelancers Union. Her
book Generation Debt (Riverhead)is now in paperback, and she
writes the"Generation Debt" column for Yahoo!at Finance
Yahoocom.
m
maciza
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Drug companies know they can make billions
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By Victoria Zdrok, Ph.D.
Thereare dozens of patches, pills,
lotions, and sprays that address one
or moreof these issues, with varying
degrees of success Your girlfriend
should talktoa doctor before using
them, since manyhave not been
approvedby the FoodandDrug
Administration.
Nooneshould complain that in.
recent years the FDA has stepped up
‘drug-safety standards, particularly
‘when it comes to lifestyle drugs. But
the lack of FDA-approvedfemale.
sexualenhancersis being criticized
by some for being unfairly influenced
by the self-appointed guardians
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eve products may increase exuatreceptvty
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ГАВЖ
Pussy Farts
Sometimes when fm screwing my
girlfriend, her vagina makes a farting
noise. She gets all embarrassed and
uptightabout it which kind of ruins
the moment. What's up with that?
This oiseis known as a queef, and
itis caused by air escapingfromher
vagina. When a woman is aroused, her
vagina expands (known as tenting) to
accommodate a penis. Your thrusting
pushes air into the inner partof her
‘expanded vagina. A shiftin body
position or a deep thrust can force out
that ай, resulting in the fart-like sound.
Thereare also post-orgasmic queefs,
which occur when the vagina expels
är asit returnsto ts pre-aroused
state.
Ifyouoryour girifriend find
queefs distracting, try an ounce of.
prevention. Don't thrust too deeply.
Instead, make shallow strokes and
avoid pelvis-elevated positions like
doggie-style, which can increase the
Ikelihood of queefing.
Youcanalsotry givingher a gentle
tummy massage, pressing down on
her lower abdomen with the palm
of yourhand, which will expel the air
in her vagina. But most important,
lighten up!Sexis morefun whenit is
messy. dirty loud, and irreverent: and
alittle humor goes a long way. So quit
trying to quiet the queef and let'errip!
Rag Time
My girifriendis really horny when
sheison her period Isitcoolto have
sex with her? She says lt grossed out
her ex, butlam totallyupfordoingit
whenever Who wants to walt a week?
Thereare benefits to doing the deed
duringher “time ofthemonth”
Some women, Ike your gifriend,
experience heightened libido and
a | reducedcramping during their
period. Domt plan on this as a form
of birth control, though- it is still
possibleto get her pregnant. There
isalso an increased risk for pelvic.
infection, since her uterine lining is
being slcughed off so you should
always usea condom while she has
her period.
Boy Toy
Mylatestgirfriend is obsessed with
mypenis She wants to play with itall
the time and even falls asleep holding
it Ihave heard that some women
‘develop penis envy; does she have it?
doubt it although many women
would wantthe privileges and.
opportunities that go with having a
penis, like higher pay for the same job
and equal parental rights with half
the sacrifice. Your girlfriend probably
just loves your penis and enjoys
playing with It. She'slikely that rare
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the first available opportunity. After.
all, what man doesn't want his penis
worshiped?
DownTime
Some women won't let те go down
onthem because they reembarrassed.
‘about the way their labia look How
‘can convince a woman that lam just
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Some women are self-conscious
about the appearance of their vulva
and think their genitals are too dark,
too big. or uneven. Ifyou tellher how
beautiful you think she Is and how
excited her gorgeous pussy makes
you-and if you show herhow turned
ол you get giving heroralsen=sheil
gradually become less self-conscious
and enjoy getting ¡tas muchas you
enjoy giving itoa
LIGHTEN UP!
SEX IS THE MOST
FUN WHEN
ITIS MESSY, DIRTY,
LOUD, AND
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ANDALITTLE
HUMOR GOES
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EI
UM Productions).
Beforea generation of angst-ridden
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by Jim Powers with a true fan's eye for
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and figuratively—after kimberly Kane
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Schwarz. Cindy Crawford, and Ashley
Blue) steal her fromrivalthugs. The
plowing she takes from Kane's strap-
‘on and big-dickstick is extremely
sexy: The dank setting ratchets up
the dirty fucking, and the oral sex
isbothexciting and disturbing
Later the scene shifts tothe rape
of awriters wife as Rae gets gang:
bangedina long exchange that has
become the calling cardof this series
Aknowledge of the original film is
helpful (though notneces sary), but
ifyoulike this cool show, pair it with
Pleasure Productions’ A Clockwork
Orgy get somehigh-octane dairy
products, and make a night of it.
[even MINO THE BALL SACS |
Scurvy Girls Vol 2
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Writer/director Rob Rotten does
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stunning Roxy DeVille turns ina ball-
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violence James's scene starts with
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Donny Long demolishes an office.
EE
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Addicted to Boobs #3
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When you watch as much porn as
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з always catches our eye. Lucky for
us, five lovelies serve up their natural
mams for varying bouts of smothering
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Presley Maddox adds a kinky touch,
showingoffhernipple barbellsin ће
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TheHalleBerry-esque Chavon Taylor
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itil be show over halry-palmed
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bitmorebreastplay instead of pre-
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MY OFFICE OR YOURS?
My coworker Jackie and had been
flirting with each other from day
опе It was innocentat first, огѕоме
thought. Then the flirting turned into.
atest of wills to see who would make
the first move, Jackie did.
‘Aweek ago, Jackie and | were the
last twopeople left at the office. It was
Bam. and Iwas doing some research
when she knocked on ту doorand
popped her head in. She said she was
also working lateand had ordered
dinner-too much for just one. It was a
nice line, but knew better.
When we took the food tothe
lounge, knew we weren't just going
VA PENTHOUSECOM
ү
SHE PUSHED AWAY
FROM THE TABLE
AND WALKED OVER
TOWARD THE SOFA
SHE RAISED HER
SKIRT JUST ENOUGH
SO | COULD SEE
THAT SHED REMOVI
HER PANTIES.
tosample appetizers. Eating with
Jackie turned out tobe foreplay as
"we took turns feeding each other
while rubbing feet under the table
and pretending to talk business.
Td never had such an erotic dining.
‘experience, but dinner was over as
soonas felt Jackie's foot moveup my
legandcome to rest over myhard-
оп. That first intimate touch had me
pushingmycock against her soft foot,
‘moaning witha need that was more
intense than ever realized.
But Jackie knew. She pushed
away from the table and walked
‘overtoward the sofa. She raised her
skirt just enough sol could see that.
‘she'd removed her panties. came up
behindher, brushedher hair to the
side, and kissed her neck. When she
moaned and pushed her ass back
against my dick, Ireachedunderneath
her skirt. Her pussy was ilky-smooth
and wet.
"Do you know how much ve
wantedto touch you?" | whispered
inher ear. Her response was to grind
against my handas | slid my fingers
back and forth between her wet folds,
brought my fingers toherlips for her
tosuckwhilemyother hand moved
underher blouse to cup her breast
We were both so hot and desperate.
for sexthat we fell onto the sofa while
trying to pull off each other's clothes.
tongue. When she started to squirm,
I grabbed her thighs and pulledher
loser to те | sucked and licked
Jackie's pussy untilshe was humping
my face and her body shook with
orgasmic tremors.
Shelooked at me and pulledme
up for akiss. Jackie's tongue snaked
around mine аз we finally kissed for
thefirst time. Iwas ost in her lush lips
when felt Jackie's hand on my cock,
stroking me and then trying to put me
insideher.
"Let'sdothis, Tony; she sald.
With Jackie guiding me, pushed
forward.until was fully inside her.
Her hips immediately began a steady
grind against my pelvis andi could
feel her muscles massaging my cock.
Iwas enjoying the sensation, but then
Jackie said, "Fuck me good, Tony.
Fuckmehard!"
With herlegs wrapped around
ту waist, heldher tight and began
fucking herhard and deep. | felt
Ikel could go on forever as Jackie
screamed for more. I don'tknow how
long we were slamming against each
other, but suddenly felt the pressure
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i me o last few years about
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soon in magazines for male enhancement. There
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{thought for a minute and then decided you could
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y that if tl
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short days (sony
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As the founder ofboth the Stein Medical Institute
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Little did they know that I had done real researc
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1 contocted the makers of Extenze the
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“Tee cures чы ча жел ee y гє Бөз rd Dg konnen Ende a
Жен a ope my cmt
buildingin my ball. knew! was going
tocome and | wanted Jackie to come
atthe same time.
"Come with me, Jackie,” Isaid
against her ear.
"Oh, боё” Jackie wailed as she
tightenedher grip оп my ass and held
metoher while | pumped my fullload
intoher love box.
When! felther shift under me,
propped up my weight on my
forearms and kissed her softly. We
stayed there talking and touching
for awhile, neither of us wanting to
leave. But eventually we got dressed.
Icouldn'tinvite her tomy place
because live ina studio apartment
and had acollege friend staying with
те. Jackie's situation was similar to
mine, so we planned for dinner and a
movieon Saturday.
Wehada greattime on our date,
and throughout the workweek it was
back to flirting and touching when no
оле was looking. And forget about.
the lounge—whenever! go get coffee,
Igetawoodylustlookingat the
sofal-T.M, Indiana.
PILLOW TALK
му college roommate Pamand t
knew eachother so well there wasn't
anything we didn't talk about—or sol
thought. One night while drinking and
recounting our latest dating disasters,
Pamaskedif had ever thought
PAM KISSED MY NECK
AT JUST THE RIGHT
SPOT. AFTER ALL
THE DIRT WED SHARED
ABOUT WRONG
MOVES AND BAD
DATES, IT WAS ONLY
NATURAL THAT WE
KNEW THE RIGHT
MOVES TO MAKE
WITH EACH OTHER.
about hooking up witha woman. For
aspiitsecond,Iwondered if she'd
discoveredthatl'd had some vivid
dreamsabouthaving sex with her. га
always thought she was attractive
with her long dark hair and hazel
eyes, but lately 'd started to fantasize
about her when! was awake about
howit would feel to iss her. But
Pam was my best friend, so however.
explicit my dreams had gotten, didn't
want toriskending our friendship.
Oncel'dvanquished al the
naughty sapphic thoughts from my
mind, | noticed she was staring at
me. realized! hadn'tansweredher
Question. "Funny you should ask"!
said. "Actually there is someone in
particularl've been thinking about."
Before! could explain further, Pam
surprisedme again by kissing me. Her
lips weresoft on mine, but froze. She
kept kissing me and began to gently
stroke my face. | moaned and started
kissingher back while trying to get
ту head around the fact that Pam
hadinitiated this. wasmore than
willing tolet her take the lead, but in
my dreams | was always the one to get
things started.
Suddenly feltflushed. My pussy
begantopulsate and things didn't
seem to be happening fast enough for
my body, Sensing my growing need
for more physical contact, Pam began
toundress me. When she finished, |
eagerly returned the favor. We stood
and embracedeach other fully lips.
tolips breasts to breasts. Pam kissed
my neck at just the right spot. After
all the dirt wed sharedabout wrong
moves and bad dates, it was only
natural that we knew the right moves
tomakewith each other
My legs felt weak as we rubbed
against each other. Our bodies
were hotter than molten lava, so we
grabbed pillows and moved to the
floor. Pam ran her hands down my
stomach before slowly parting my
legs Quivering with anticipation and
repressed desire, watched as she.
trailed her tongue along my inner
thighs. Shepaused when she reached
my clit and began teasing me with
featherlight flicks
With my pussy aching forattention,
| pushed my hips toward her mouth
andcried outforhertotasteme. The
firstlickwaslongandslow—then she
'gotdownto business. Pam knew!
liked tobe tongue-fucked more than
anything, and she didnt hesitate to
drillhertongue into me. cried out,
arched myhlps, and started coming.
hardandfast. Shekeptlicking me long
after l' finished riding that incredible
orgasm and was trembling with
aftershocks
While trying to catch my breath,
remembered some of the losers l'4
put up with over the past few months
{and gave myself a mental slap for not
teling Pam about my dreams and
how!'d begun to feel about her. If my
‘admission hadn't goneover well,
could have easily made ajoke about it
and laughed it off.
Nowthat it was my turn to do Pam,
Iknew just how to bringher off. With
newfound confidence, grabbed her
by thewaist and pulledher pussy
down to my face. Ibegan eating
her out, sucking hard onherciitin
between long icks.Ikeptatituntäl
felt her legs begin to shake. When she
told meshe was about tocome, stuck
three fingers deep inside her pussy
and held them there while | sucked on.
her cît. It definitely helped that Pam
had told meexactly what sent her
overthe edge. She came so hard and
so loud that lexpected someone to
bang on the door about the noise.
Westayed entwined in each other's
arms for some time. When opened
ту еуез апа found Pam staring at me
Sex
all @
weck
IT FELT DECADENT
HAVING TWO SETS d
OF SOFT HANDS --
WORKING ME OVER,
AND THATS WHEN
IT OCCURRED
TO ME THAT THIS
WAS SOMETHING
ONE WOMAN ALONE
COULD NOT DO.
as shehadbefore, somehow I knew
what was next withouteitherofus
saying anything. As we maneuvered
intoa sixty-nine, asked Pam how she
knew I'd go along with this.
“Easy” she said. "Sometimes
while you were in the middle of your
sexed-up dreams, you called out my
name!"—KL, Massachusetts
BLOW BY BLOW
Alanaandi have been together for
about five years and the sex is good—
we just like alittle variety now and
then, so we frequent chatrooms to.
meet other swingers. That's how we
met Jewel and Frank After e-mailing
one another back and forth for about
aweek, swapping photos, and talking
itover with Alana, invited Jewel and 4
her boyfriendover toour house. 4,
Weordered dinner and drank
somewine, then took our party into
the bedroom. Wepaired up, Alana
with Frankandme with Jewel, while
we watched aporno onour king-size
bed. By the endofthe film, Alana was
liberator.com
1.866.542.7283
blowing Frankand was munching
‘on Jewel's neatly trimmed muff.
Wespenta greatnight fucking,
but when they were ready to leave,
ratherthan make specific plansto get
together again, we left things open
by promising to contact one another
ооп, This way, Alana and would have
time to decide whether we wantedto
have sex with them again.
Afew dayslater, received an IM
from Jewel thanking us for dinner,
wine,andgreat sex. asked If she and
Frank wanted to get together again.
Jewel32: When?
HardOn: Tonight's good.
Jewel32:Frank's under the
weather, but you've got me.
Ichecked with Alana, andjust ike
that, Jewel was coming over for an
FMF romp~swinger shorthandfora
giri-guy-irithreesome. Alana and!
hadonly swapped mates with other
couples; Га never been with two
women before. Thelogical part of my
brain reasoned that only had one
dick, so someone was going to get
shortchanged, And selfishly speaking,
What couldtwo pussies do for my
dick that one pussy couldn't? But |
wasn't so stupid that I'd turn down the
‘opportunityif one presenteditselt
Alana was wiling.and if nothingelse,
itmight prove interesting,
=
mm C
ALANA WENT TO
HER AND THEY
STARTED KISSING
AGAIN. I WAS CONTENT
JUST TO WATCH AND
SEE HOW FAR
THEY'D GO UNTIL
ALANA SAID,
“| THINK JEWEL
NEEDS YOU NOW.”
When Jewel arrived, we went
straight tothe bedroom Once we
were allseatedon the bed, it got quiet
as we each waited for someone else
tomakethe first move. After a few
minutes of awkward silence, Jewel
sald, "Why don't you two get started
‘and 'iljoinin?" That made me think
she might be new atthis, too.
Alanaandistarted to take off
our clothes and Jewel followed suit.
Alana pushed me backon the bed
and began suckingmycock Iwas
Just getting into it when another set
‘of hands began massaging my feet
‘and legs. It felt decadent having two
sets of soft hands working meover,
and that's when it occurredto me that
this was something one woman alone
could not do. suddenly understood
theadvantages and the countless
Possibilitiesan FMF experience had to
offer—andthey were all good.
Jewels hands began kneading
their way up my thighs and Alana
moved up to kiss me on thelips. Then
Jewel began sucking my cock. They
took turns blowing me, pausing to kiss
‘each otherand suck on each other's
tits. Iwas in heaven, Alana had never
been with another woman before, but
from the way she responded when
Jewel kissed her, she was obviously
out I didn't wantto come before
Getting inside at leastoneofthem,
Jewelsaidshe wanted to check on
Frankand leftthe room to use the
phone. It's more likely she wanted to.
г
him howthings were going.
1love kissing her!" Alana said
when we were alone. And |justioved
hearing hersay that=notto mention
watching them.
"Are you guys taking about те?
Jewel asked when she came backin
the room.
Alanaandi laughed and told her
we werojust discussing what a good
kisser she is. Jewel lay down with her
head atthe footofthe bed. Alana
y М
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went toherandtheystartedkissing
again. wascontent justto watch and
see how far they'd go until Alana said,
“think Jewel needs younow-
gotbetween Jewel's legs andin
a flash Iwas balls deep inher pussy.
Jewel began grinding her pelvis
against mine while Alana alternated
between kissing Jewel and sucking
her tits. i concentrated on fucking
her with long, steady strokes inan
effortto prolong everyone's good
time, but with Jewel on the receiving
end ofall the attention it wasn tlong
before she went buck wild and came
hard—harder than she did during our
last get-together.
I moved easily between Alana's
legs and drove myself intoher
welcoming snatch Ipoundedher
hardand ast, and before ong мас
coming. With Jewel kissing her deep,
‘Alana exploded right with me.
Tmsurethatafter arest period we
could have gone another round, but
since allof ushadhad atleastone
orgasm and the clock was ticking on
a weeknight, Jewel left for home. That
gave Alana and me time to plan our
next FMF trysti-.1, Teraso
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Certification: The records,
ifany, relating to anyimages
in this periodical required to be
maintained by 18 U.S.C. § 2257
and28C.FR.575arelocated
attheofficeofthe producer, 2 Penn
Plaza, Eleventh Floor, Suite 1125,
New York NY 10121, M. Rothenberg,
custodian of records. Dateof
publication: August 7, 2007
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попе Bardotwasnot agi
B-————
the was roughtto Cames
IyherSvengalihucband Roger
Vadiminthesprngof 953 Sha was
Tak ya Blonde ear Froicngin
fhe sandwearinga then shocking
bin deghting soon o-be cor
Krk Douglas wh hercle poses
thetb-yearoldhad a сатте ве
Gay thot would soon be тау.
SHE WAS REBORN
FULLY BLONDE
AND FULLY
VOLUPTUOUS
IN... AND GOD
CREATED
WOMAN.A NEW
GOLD STANDARD
OF BOMBSHELL
WAS SET.
fully blonde and fully voluptuous, in
Vadinrs... And God Created Woman,
playinganindolent Saint-Tropez
sexkitten who drives all the men,
boys, and matrons of the town to
distraction. instantaneously, anew
gold standard of bombshell was set.
Even scruffy Greenwich Village-
based folksingers of the day, whom
опе might imagine had weightier
issues on their minds, took notice. "I
Shall Be Free; a 1963 ditty by Bob
Dylan, features Dylan receiving a.
phone call from President Kennedy.
He said, My friend, Bob, what do we
need to make the country grow? /1
said, ‘My friend, John, Brigitte
Bardot “Indeed,
Thelate fifties and much of the
sixties were awashin Bardot vehicles,
few of which ing a bell today In
fact, her recordings and early music
videos with Serge Gainsbourg-"Ford
Mustang," "Bonnie and Clyde; and
зо on-are bigger cult objects now
than most of her films from the same
period. She reached acinematic
apotheosis of sorts in Jean-Luc
Godard's 1963 Contempt playing the
wife of a screenwriter (Michel Piccoli)
who is offered bigmoney to abandon
whatever principles he's got. Bardot.
titular contempt, fearsome to behold,
blossoms into ful lower not because
Piccolisasellout, but becausehe's
so spineless that he all butasks her
permission to be a sellout. Deprived of
aparticulartype of innocence that's
required of the sexpot shehad come
todefine, Bardo! the actress found
herselfina peculiar cul de sac.
She didnotretire from filmmaking
for seven yearsafterthat, butshe was
only 39 when she did, a young age
even bytoday’s MILF standard. Asif
tounderscore her indifference to if
not contempt for, the scores of men
who still adore her, the only public life
in which the reclusive Bardot partakes
today is tied toher passionate
commitment to animal rights O4
the review.com
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