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around and pressed himself against 
me. His body spooned mine as he 
reached around to cup my tits with his 
big hands. | moaned and straightened 
up slightly to feel the solid ridge of his 
cockagainst my ass. | couldn't wait to 
have him inside me and he knew it! 
was facing the mirror when he spread 
my feet apart with his, 

My ass was tilted upward, waiting 
to feel him inside of me. He reached 
downand slid afinger between 
my saturated lips, spreading them 
wide open, then slid one deep inside 
те ту moans grew in volume. 
Whenhe slipped another in, | closed 
my eyes and threw my head backin 
pleasure. Butbefore! could let loose 
more sounds of lust, Tony st o 
fingers inmy mouth and | sucked on 
them hard. His fingers were giving 
mea serious workout and he had me 
writhing inurgent need. Feeling his 
rock-hard cock rubbing against my 
ass wasn'thelping. 

Fuck me now!“ Ihissed, as my 
muscles spasmed around his fingers, 
Whenhe replaced them with his cock 
and began fucking me with the long, 
steady strokes | love, | gnawed gently 
опту bottom lip and met him thrust 
for thrust. would have cried out, 
but his fingers were on my lips again, 
While | sucked on them, he kissed that 
special spotat the base of my neck 
that makes me lose all sensibility. The 
deep moans and heavy breathing 
meant anyone outside or inthe next 
dressing room would know what we 


were up to, but when you're that close 
to coming, you just wantto reach that 
peak and the hell with everything else, 
When | felt him surge into me and 
explode, | came, too. It was fucking 
incredible. 

leaned against the mirror with 


boutiaue,lookngthrougnthe | ANYONE outside — 
displayof"JustAmved"toys | Or in the next dressing 


to kill time until my boyfriend arrived, 


dtold him we were goingtopickout | OOM would know 
some trashy lingerie together. What what we were up to. 


didn't tell him was that | was going 


| wasinmy favoriteadult 


to lure him into having hot dressing 
room sex! It had always been afantasy 
of mine, but! knew it would be even 
better ifhe didn’t know my plan. 

was getting wetter by the minute just 
thinking about whether ornot we'd 
way with sucha stunt, 

By the time Tony walked through 
the door, | was imagining seeing his 
face inthe mirror, feeling his arms 
around me and, if I was lucky, his har 
cock deep inside me. | steered him 
toward the racks with the leather 
corsetsand bustiers, Weselected 
a coupleand picked out some 
babydolls and chemises. | pulled him 
toward the dressing room and told 


г PENTHOUSECOM 


him to stay close so he could tell me 
which ones he liked best 

left the louvered door slightly 
ajar as! tried on ablack negligee. My 
breastsfilled the cupsand when 
turned, my ass cheeks were just 
visible beneath the hem ofthe sheer 
black fabric. He'll love thisone, 
thought, as | cupped my boobs 
and felt my nipples harden under 
my fingers. When the door moved 
slightly, Iknew Tony was trying to 
peek inside. My skin suddenly felthot, 
because knew! had him. It was just a 
matter of seconds. 

When | looked up, he was quietly 
slipping into the room, coming toward 
me. One look at the tent in his pants 
and | knewhe was hooked. This was 
going to beso good! He turned me 


Tony against my back, panting until 
we both regained some measure of 
control. turned to look at him and 
smiled. Tony had no idea he'd played 
his role perfectly. | couldn't wait to get 
him home to tell him what a thrill he'd 
givenme, buthe wasmore in 
in what | was wearing. He straightened 
the material inthe front and said, 

like this one-allot!"—L.J. New Jersey 


‘Forum’ letters shouldcarry name and address, 
though these and other identifying characteris- 
tics willbe changed fer publication purposes, 

All letters become the property of Penthouse. 
Send lettersto forum. submission a pmal.comor 
Penthouse Editorial Dept..2 Penn Plaza, Suite 
1125,New York, LY. 10121. 


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WORK AND PLAY 

My personal policy wasnever hook 
up with a guy I meet on the job, bi 
soon as laid eyes on Max, | knew he 
wasgoing tobe an exception. When 
the stage it was hard 
ice how sexy he 
hugging jeans 
and form-fitting shirt. He looked like 
he did alot of heavy lifting—unlike 
most ofthe guys | see, | was on my 
knees, clutching my bare tits, moving 
sensuously to the music. Our eyes 
locked and! imagined him fucking 
my tits right there on the stage in 
front of everyone. With his money in 
hand, he motioned me toward him. 
This wasn't anything new, but when 
he leaned toward me and said in 

one of the deepest voices I'd ever 
heard, "You are so beautiful," my skin 
flushed with heat. 

Now, usually I'm in comple! 
control when | dance, but this guy 
almost made me lose my cool. He 
wasso fine and smoldering hot, | just 
knew | wanted to take him home with 
me. | turned and ran my finger under 
my G-string, giving him just enough 
leeway to slip a bill inside. When he 
finished, | let the thong snap back 
and turned e him. He leaned 
toward me and said he'd buy me a 
drink later. lt was neither a question 
nor aninvitation, but a statement. 

He seemed so confident that | briefly 


looked, wi 


waseven thinking about dealing wit 
the guy said volumes about the way 
he looked and made me feel. | wanted 
thisguy bad! 

finished my act and flashed him 
a tantalizing smile before going 
backstage to change, | took my time 
getting dressed, then met him at the 
bar, The bartender poured my usual 
and Max and flirted, making idle 
conversation until finished my drink 
and picked up my bag. Max left some 
bills on the barand asked ithe could 
call mea cab. thanked him, but since 
had my owncar, | offered hima lift, 
which he accepted, 

When he gotinthe car, he pulled 
me close and gave me the sweetest 
kiss, Ifthe kiss hadn'tbeena winner, 
"а have asked for his address. instead 
asked, “So, your place or mine?" He 
didn't seem surprised, 

Yours will do—ifyoulive clase 
by," he said, nibbling my earlobe. 

And that's how | made the 15-minute 
drive to my place—with Max's hands 


6 PENTHOUSECOM 


considered ignoring him, The fact that 


and lips sending ripplesof pleasure 
throughme asl tried tokeep the car 
on the road. My panties were soaked 
by the time we gottomy apartment 
Jed him inside and pulled him into the 


bedroom, our lips fused together the 


entire time. 
We quickly undressed and groped 
eachother as we moved toward the 
bed, Max pushed me back and went 
straight for my pussy. His fingers 
slipped bi rth along my 
pussy lips before pushing deep 
inside. Histhumb pressed against 
my clitand | thought | was flying. But 
tongue touched me 
yy really had a way 


sawstars. This: 
with pussy. 


Max moved me from 


one position to the 


next, taking me every 


way possible. | lost 


track of my orgasms. 


When | opened my eyes, Max was 
waiting, cockin hand. | pulled him 
down foranother tongue-twisting 
kiss and guided him inside. | wrapped 
my legs around his waist, and pulled 
him in deeper. My body trembled 
and! moaned into his mouth. I felt his 
poweras herocked into me, slowly at 
first, then harder and faster. 
wanteditto go on foreverand it 
seemed as if it would. Max moved me 
the next, taking. 
me every way possible. | lost track 
of my orgasms, but it didn't matter 
aslongas Max'sstamina held up. He 
stayed hard longer thanany loverl'd 
had, and he was sucha good fuck 
When he came, his orgasm was mas: 
sive. | felt the intensity of his release as 
his body tensed and he groaned. 

Max left early the next day. | wanted 
to ask him to stay, but | didn't. Rules 
again, Buta few weeks later he walked 
into the club while | was dancing, One 
look athim and | knew | was going to 
break therules,—S.J,, via e-mail 

More letters on page 140 


from one position 


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Tell us how you gotinto making 
music. 


jt music 


When you moved here, why did you 


landin Los Angeles? 


Your debut is heavy on eerie 
elements—where does that come 
from? 


How is the Estonian dating scene 
different than dating in the States? 


What kind of men do youfall in 
love with? 


If aPenthouse reader wanted togoto 
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MOTLEYCRÚE 
Saints of Los Angeles 
(Motley Records) 
** 

Penthouse Pick 


squalls of 
Bu 
ugly, andi not 


Shout at the Devil 


(1983) 
The Crüe's second album. 
sound 


defined 
of the Sunset Strip. 
Check out “TenSeconds 

here Vince 


Penthouse Pick: 
Shout atthe Devil 


Girls, Girls, Girls 
(1987) 

AlbumNo. 4 took 
toentirely 
new uncharted, and 
definitelyillegal territory 
whisky, 


Penthouse Pick: 
Dancing on Gi: 


Dr. Feelgood 
(1989) 

Thi C'scrowning. 
achlevementcritically, 
commercially, and in. 

of overall sobriety. 
returned to 
their glamrootsand 
even dropped the trippy 
ballad “Wit u. 
Penthouse Pick: 
Kickstart My Heart’ 


Generation Swine 
(1997) 

a number of 

ith singer 
the band 
d torecord- 
company demands and 
wed Neil back in the 
d. The result 
spotty comeback album. 
Penthouse Pick: 
Generation Swine" 


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STREETDOGS 
StateofGrace 
(Hellcat) 
** 

Sound Check: Street 
Dogs frontman Mike 
MeColgan-aveteran 
of the first Gulf War, 


RANDY TRAVIS. 


Aroundthe Bend a firefighter, and the 
(Warner Nashville) former lead singer of 

Kr Celtic punk act Dropkick 
Sound Check А Murphys—doosn' sit still 


decade for very long. So we're 
annualrele not surprised this isthe 
ville troubadour's 17th fourth StreetDogs album 
is his firstinthree LLOYD in fiveyears. 
years and along-overdue LessonsinLove Amplification: State of 
ırntoformat (Universal/Motown) Graceis predictable ina 
many gospel years ** delightful way: songs 
‘Amplification: From know wrap itin. of punchy, Guinness- 3 
lilting “Love Is a Gamble featherlight ballads that fueledadrenalineperfect | 8 
he easygoing Dylan harken backto the tor boozing andbruising | $ 
cover "Dont Think Twice, ageof soul and turn а a nightaway. k 
It's All Right,” this is equal mooth Last Note: Ina time 5 
parts classic andclassy when punk isa style of g 
Last Note: "Every Head seems mall-boughtnail polish, E 
Bowed’ play with— it'snice to be reminded 
pressing p ike—the big bo of the music’s original Н 
post rpose:stridentprotest || Š 
ing at KFC. We salut songs sungby-andfor— | B 
you, Randy, fornever a tightly knit community. 0 & 


shying away fromm the eei PenthousePick:"The | $ 

ugh issues facing us Sata Generals Boombox Ё 
—like biscuits and gravy! E 
penthouse Pick 


Don't Think Twice, Penthouse Pick: 
AlIRight “Girls AroundtheW 


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her art canvas. 


Jungle 
Fever 


Hot-wired character actor Justin 
Theroux tries his handat screenwriting; 
a freewheeling farce 


the resul! 


about the making ofa war film. (And 


TomCn 


R 


Tom Cruise as 


obert Downey Jr.asa black 
guy. Steve Coogan asa 


blustery, mercurial director. 
well, let'sjust say 


he steals the show. 7r ler 


this summer's satiric, star-stuffed 
prickly comedy, followsfive actors 
tromping through war-ravaged 
Vietnam jungles without the usu: 
conveniences—trailers, assistants, 
drugs—all in the name of art. Orat 
leastthe next paycheck. The film 
marks the screenwriting debut of 


Justin Theroux—novelistand travel 
writer Paul's nephew—who cowrote 
the script with Ben Stillerand Etan 


Cohen. You might know Theroux best 
as Brenda's submissive fuck buddy 
on Six Feet Under, but he has hada 
varied and vivid career, playing John 
Hancock in the HBO miniseries Jc 
Adams, a wild Irishman in Charlie 
Angels 2 Fu е and Evil DJ in 
Zoolander, As big-time fans of that 
male-modeling Joke-fe меј 
curious to check out Theroux's best 
Blue Steel 


hr 


Isit true thatthe concept for Tropic 
Thunder was inspired by Platoon? 
We watched a lot of the [DVD 

extras for every war movie. If you're 
looking a: yhically you 
can havea really good belly laugh, 
king 


отем 


especially whe! 
about preppin 
Because oftentime: 
theanalogy that shoc 
like war. [Putt 
voice] "The dire 
and we're thea 
they'll talk about it like 
foughta war, forgettin: 
there'snocraft service in Baghdad. 


ey ll make 
ing amovieis 
faux-gravitas 


e kills, in a good way!) 


The movie was filmed in Hawaii. 
Were youon the sameislandas the 
Lost crew? 

No, we were ona differentlost island. 

We were on Kauai, whichis the most 

beautiful island inthe world, and then 


ng coal and it was not 
5 really difficult. Bei 
And they only had 


pages of the script 
and he said, ‘You can 
go crazier than that!” 


TomCruiseis excellentin the film. 
Who approached him to do the part? 
Benand Tomare friends, so that was 
all Ben's domain. Tom could not have 
been better. He's a jackhammer, man, 
illed it. We were shocked and 
howdown forthe play he 

ad been talking 


He just 
excited 
was. Ben and him hi 
about ways he could participat 


and he waslike, “That's the one," We 
would submit him pages, and he'd be 
like, "Go for it. You can go crazier than 


Have you ever wanted to break out 
of the character-actormold to be the 
leading man? 

The funniest stuff is characte 
stuff. 've also neverthought 


was 


y 
3 


charismatic e theleadı Your uncle, Paul Theroux, wrote The So whichacting gig gets you more 
man. It's more funto wear a bad pai Mosquito Coast, which was adapted tail:a cool 
ofshoesanddosomesortofstupid | intoa film. Did that spark your Angels 2? 

interest in acting? f you're looking 


You've had interesting roles in a few 
of David Lynch's films. Do youhavea 
favorite of his? 


J. But I'm not 


ain point 


where you realize, you just have to 
inst Lyne y you jt 


wasof Kyle MacLa 


ın something. You could Бе опа 


elodeon show 


d get tall, but 
Rossellini, and | rem 9 


ke Dı 
went in there ar 


eena long time since 've had tail 
than my girlfriend's. One of my 
ends hi 


theory that if you cando 
ally hi 
lly score more tail 


asexscenewithar 
movie, you willac 


sult. 


Hollywood, here we come! 


THE DIRTY DOZEN (1967) THE GREAT ESCAPE (1963) 


Whatever you do, don’tadmitin the Ityouve whistled along with The Break- 


company of men that you haven't seen. fast Club's detentioneers, you already 
Lee Marvin bruiser. Justfakeitand hetheme music to this classic. 
secretly cli Netflix. Marvin plays ve McQueen, James Coburn anda 


zillion stars plota daring getaway from 
a suicide mission.Are a German POW camp. Is their escape 


tis. Great, glorious, and any 


Charles Bronson and ErnestBorgnine not 
you? How about NFL legend word you'duseto d 
about shutting up and 


cribe your mother. 
lirespecther. (No Idea what 


we'retalkingabout? See the flick.) 


like The ¢ 
when F 


llywood harne 
fulsquintin 1970—swapping the M'A'S"H (1970) SAVING PRIVATE RYAN (1998) 

ra helmet. Hisrogue We don 9-Day 
ly Sav: vith such realism thatit'soasyt 


thersinto enemy k 


o hear any whining about Steven Spielbergre-creat 


the TV show. You liked it, you didn ike 


Whatever. Robert Altman's movie isa forget his 1998 bullet-blazing i: 


ик completely ditte 
sounds like Three Kings, itis, but be! 


animal, The joke: 


ually a band 
ind camaraderie of this Korean War med TomHanks, Tom Sizemore, Barry 

Ical unit, dominated by Elliott Gould and Pepper, and Vin Diesel fill out the squad 
Donald tremely dark withserlous battleground skills and 
and savage. It ends with a big football torturedreflection. Waris hell? 

ur idea of awesome Decidedly. War films? Hardly, Watch 


game. 
drop and give us 20. No, 50. few and enjoy. At case. 


EVE) 


HAMLET2 
Steve Coogan, David Arauı 
Catherine Keener 

Ah, the summer sequel-is there a finer 
boxof wine o fe shelf? Actually, a 
sequel to Ham s sound more inter- 
esting than returning to the Bard's 
tragedy proper. Hamiet2 isa comedy st 
ring British laugh-master Coogan, still 
seeking theUS. success he deserves. This 
could behis moment. Heplaysthe dishev- 
eled Dana Marschz,a failed actor-turned- 
high school teacher. When faced wit 
downsizing, he goes nuclear and writes 
themost offensive musical he can, an 
abomin 
drama—which naturally, ishis first assign- 
mentto piquethestudents'in 
We're guessing you won'tneed lit 
degree to find this film arlot. Something's 
rockin'in the state of Denmark.—LR. 


ion of Shakespeare's majestic 


TRAITOR 
Don Cheadle, Guy 
Pearce, Jeff Daniels 

A tout spy thriller, 
unpretentiously made 
andacted,Is a beautiful 
thing In a summer of big- 
budget blahs. Traitor 
looksto be thatfilm, even 
though It's not what you 
expectto comeunder ће 
credit “From an idea by 
Steve Martin." (Yes, that 
Steve Martin.) Does lt 
feature any banjo 
playing? Not really. But 
Isasdeceptiveand 
furiously intelligentasits 
title suggests, Theloss 
sald about the plot the 
batter,astwo US. 
officers—adeep- 
undercoverex-Army 
rogue (Cheadle) andan 
FBI spook (Pearco)— 
battle wits in the face ofa 
mysterious, ever- 
evolving Muslim target 
Courageously, the movie 
paints multifaceted 
portrait of the post-9/1 
terrorscape, colored with 
shades of righteousness, 
reason, andall tones in 
between. Delving sensi- 
tively intothe whys 
behind despicable acts 
isn’texactly popular, but 
ie'scrucial to oursurvi- 
val-andif Traitordoesn't 
signal the first glimmer 
of awards season, we'll 
havetoblameit on the 
workof dark forces. 


THEROCKER 
Rainn Wilson, Emma 
Stone, Christina 
Applegate 

We've been waiting for 
The Office's weaselly 
Wilson to blowup, 
although it seems the 
Hollywood comedy 
machine doesn't qui 
know what to do wit 
him Hisnew Schoolof 
Rock-style endeavor isa 
case inpoint. Wilson. 
playstheFish, a bloated 
ex-skinsman for pop- 
metal act Vesuvius, 

which hit the big time— 
Hall of Fame big—as soon 
asthey dumpedhim like 
2 leaden Zeppelin. 

Twenty years later, the 


sister's attic when he 
hears strains of garage 
rock and heads 
downstairs to interrupt 
histeenagenephew's 
combo. Whatensuesis 
oneofthose boy-man 
fantasies, butnever quite 
asmanicas Jock Block's 
norasredemptive or 
Innocent. And when his 
new band actually makes 
It(kidsandalı), you 
wonder whatplanetthe 
filmisset on. 
Saturday Night Live's 
Jason Sudeikis creates 
arockmanagerwho'sso 
hilariously phony, you'l 
forgive the film its many 
falsenot 


Rainn Wilson plays 
the Fish, a bloated 
ex-skinsman for 
pop-metal act 
Vesuvius. 


PINEAPPLEEXPRESS 
Seth Rogen, James 
Franco, Bill Hader, 
Amber Heard 

We salute the return of 
the heroic stoner, 
blazing his trail through 
the Harold & Kumar 
movies—or her trail 
courtesy of Anna Faris 
in Smiley Face So the 
prospectof comedy- 
king Judd Apatow 
committing hispro- 
ducing talents to this 
mostmisunderstood of 
genres makes us gid- 
dier 

Chongat 4:19. Playing 
buyer and dealer, 
respectively, are 
Knocked Up's Rogen 
anda movie-stealing 
Franco. After acci- 
dentally being impli- 
catedin a mob murder, 


Poranoiaall too real. 
The fun of Pineapple 
Express isits willing- 
nessto deliver as both a 
fully baked potboller 


(sorry) anda Die Hard- 
style actioner. 


MANONWIRE 
Philippe Petit isa tight- 
торе walker. His lifetime 
of dangerous stuntwork 
makes this riveting 
material to begin with. 
Butthe Frenchman's 
craziestaccomplish- 
ment, aperformance art 
crimeofthe highest 
order, tums Man on Wire 
into astrango, stirring ex- 
perienceunlike any 
documentary you'll see 
this year.In the early 
hoursof August 7,1974, 
Petit—withtheassistance 
ofa small crew=illegally 
stretched acablebe- 
tween New York City's 
then-new Twin Towers 
and danced gracefully for 
nearlyan hour before 
being apprehended. 
James Marsh's breath- 
toking documentary sets 
thestage like agripping 
1970s heist film, em- 
ploying dramatic 
re-creations and now 
Interviews to bulldto a: 
moment of pure, surreal 
sensation. To tho film's 
enormous credit, the sad 
coda to this stunt, 27 
years later, isnever 
mentioned. But watching 
Petittearup at the 
memoryofhlsact isto 
witness a subtle 
acknowledgment, and 
the vanishing ofa 
beautiful dream, 


Space 
invaders 


Spaced may not beat Monty Python's 
Flying Circus for funniest British TV series 
ever, but it kicks Benny Hill's ass. 


SPACED 
The Complote Series 
The Plot: Agroup of 


things rents a house; th: 


Adam 
Added Value? Yes, p 


you're Into kı 


inessyou' v cularly 


ehind S 


‘ensues, This show d. Wright, Pegg 


mmentary 


launched the careers of dir and 
Edgar Wrightand c 
Simon Pegg, and their unique blend | Quentin Tarantino, Kevin Smith, B 


ator/writer/star Jessica 


Stevenson is enhanced by 


of off-kilter comedy and cultural Hade 


comment, 
Buy or Rent? Buy. It’s 14 episodes 
one of the funnies 


yisalready inevidence. Patton Osw 


length documer 


show ndit's | the End" ai 


goodto have onyour shelfifyou date | them 


ANSWERS) 


ROBOT CHICKEN: А THE BANK JOB 
BESTOFMANSWERS 4 
STARWARS PR; ThePlot JosonStatham’s | E 
The Plot: The wild-and = small-time crook comes up | E 
dign y Top 25 Manswers ta big-time rot i 
crazy RC teamtakes on the The Plot We dont want against a big-time robbery | Sw 
sci-fi epic, withassists from tome che serae that can'tmiss.Fomouslost | 80 
Mark Hamill, George Lucas, ee wordsorwhat? 38 
andConan OBrien. وچ ید‎ tn Buyor Rent? Rent Itsa ЕД 
Buy or Rent? Buy. Star Wars | ony girisare bisexual pleasant enough way to 5 


hasbeen parodied before 
of course, perhaps mo: 
ly by Family Guy last 
yearand frequently with 
'esuppi 
am behind it. This sa 


spend a couple of hours, 
especially ifyou'reinto 
caper flicks or based-on- 
truc-crime stories, but check 
itout before you buy. 

Added Value? The two-disc 
sets have featurettes on the 
filmand thereal robbery 
that inspiredit, and a digital 
copy of the movie. 


In this Spike TV series 


contestants tackle taste 


less questions about 
sex,how long mancan 
survive on beer alone, 
and which humanorgan 
а cannibal with 


Added Value? A collection 
of promosand behind-the 
scenes bits, including the 
GeorgeLucas promo in. 
which he regretted permit- 
g the production of the 
Star Wars Holiday Special 
andhad an “Oops, did it 
again” moment about AC. 


bestin bed?" welll betoo 
busy looking for h 
to watch this again. 
Added Value? Nope. 


HAROLD &KUMAR | 
ESCAPE FROM 
GUANTANAMO BAY 

The Plot: Our favorite 
stoners get waylald by 
antiterrorism copson their 
way to smoking it up in 
Amsterdam. | 
Buy orRent? Buy, of course 
The wholepeinto 
dudes is to watchthem 
repeatedly with your 
buddies. Also, see below 
Added Value? There'sa 
branching bonus feature 
thatallowsyouto choose 
which way the plot goesat 
various pol 
bestway to watch a stoner 
flickis by changing itur 
eachtime around. 


Cause the 


HIGH-DEF REISSUE OFTHE MONTH 
ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST 

This seventies classic from 
director Milos Forman, based 

on Ken Kesey's book, inspired a d 
spirited debate aboutthe a) 
treatment of the mentally ill 

created an indelible picture of - 
anew kind of villain; featured 
amazing performances trom 
Jack Nicholson, Louise 
and company—includinga truly X , 
impressive debut from Danny 

DeVito-and, oh yeah, swept 
the Oscars. If you don't already 
own it, pick up this Blu-ray ver- 
sion, which boasts anumber of 
bonus features and comes with 
a36-page book. 


jetcher, 1 - 


LA. INK 2 

Season One The Plot: A group of c: 
| The Plot: Kat Von D left the 
comfort of Miami (ink) and 
headed back to Call. Oth 
thanthat, you know the dri 
Various folks get, well, inked 
and theta! stslive 
large, in their own way. 


well written, but you don't 
necdtoplayforkeeps. 
Added Value? Commen- 
ary and three featurettes, 
w million bucks Thetwo-disc version 
Buy or Rent? Rent. Thisis | includes digital copy; 
enjoyable w he Blu 
time, and it's well actedand | blackjackgame. 


yeditionhasa 


GAME OF THE MONTH 


Soulcalibur IV 


(Namco Bandai) Xbox 360, PS3 xcxek 


You can create bikini-clad 
versions of the pixelated 
females, including the 
mega-busty Ivy. 


BAIA 
(THO) Xbox 360, PS3 
While street and track 

racing games have been 


significantly tweaked i 

recent years, rally-racing 

titles have, for the most 

en leftin the prover 

t Here, you race to 
inethrough more 


than 100 miles of dusty 
Mexican desert, trying to 
avoid decimatingyour car 
Inthe process 

Rocks: Youcan mod the hell 


outofyourolf-rond racer, 


ri's adune buggy 
orapricey 4-by-4, with 
morethan 200 parts: the 
Graphics aren't amazing, 
but we enjoyed bouncing. 
along the uneven courses 
Flops: Theaction isnt 
‘exactly mind-blowing, but 
itis finally a decent rally 
game for anon-PS3 system. 


DONKING: PRIZEFIGHTER 
(2K Sports) Xbox 360, 
Wii, DS 

Don Kingis boxing's best 
hype man. inthis game, 
which featuresplenty of 
dramatic twists, f you fight 
wall enough hell become 
your promoter. 

Rocks: Youcan pause the 
game during cut scenes, 
the better to take in 2007 
Penthouse Pet ofthe Year 
Heather Vandeven (lefty 
the Wilversion works with 
the balance board so you 
can geta workout as you 
bob, weave. and punch ош! 
Flops: Youcan duke tout 
in the ring with 40 well 
known real and fictitious 
boxers including Joe Louis 
and Rocky, but there's no 
sign of Muhammad Alior 
Mike Tyson. 


SIDMEIER'S CIVILIZATION 
REVOLUTION 

(2K) Xbox 360, PS3, DS 

Back inthe day, SidMeler’s 
 Civization titles had plenty 
of intense simulation, so 


much so that players found 
themselves short on free 
time. Eventually Meier 
reakzedthat whe fans 


wantedto create powerful 
empires through trade, war, 
and bengthefirstto send 


to the moon. they 


to havea Ife 
Rocks: Youhave many of 
the PCoptionswithout 
thetimesuck:the graphics 
are brighterand more 
visually pleasing than most 
strategy game: 

Flops: Though toffer 
depth its probably not 
ough fo 
strategy gamers. And you 


asoned 


sti cant seduce Cleopatra. 


NCAAFOOTBALLOS 
(EA) Xbox 360, PS3, PS2, 
Wii, PSP 

n 

Fall Saturdays are sacred. 
Butcollege games 
happen only once a week 
so 's importantto have 
something on hand todo 
between kickoffs. Okay, 
something eke on hand, 
Rocks: The new breakaway 
mechanic makes player 
movements more fluld, so 
When you need to move out 
ofa giant Inabacker‘s way 
like, right now, you cart an 
onlinedynasty mode lets 
you campeteagainst up 
1012 other people for the 
championship 

Flops: Thenew“Icethe 
Kicker" function allows 
you tocall time-out just 
before a crucial eld-goal 
attempt-and completely 
pissoff your friends. 


White Stuff 


American politics may be moving toward a post-racial 
future, but Christian Lander knows that we’ve still 
got along way to go. That’s what makes himso funny. 


hristian Lander's blog St 

started in January 2008, was 
aninstant success, Within six weeks, 
according tothe Los Angeles Times, 
he was averaging 300,000 daily hits. 
Not surprisingly, book publishers 
took aninterest—and Random House 
Trade Paperbacks has, in what must 
be record time fora humor book, 
shipped Lander's Stuff White People 
Like! A Definitive Guide to the Un 
Taste of Millions to bookstores. His 
site—which includes such Caucasian 
chestnuts as standing still at con- 
certs, yoga, organic food, hating 
corporations, Juno, modern furniture, 
apologies, irony, Barack Obama (with 
hishead Photoshopped into the cast 
of Friends), and microbreweries—has 
taken precedence forLander over his 
quickly abandoned copywriting gig. 
The 29-year-old Canadian, who now 
lives in LA, most definitely considers. 
himself a "white person,” and has used 
hisown life to inspire his work. 


How did the site getstarted? 
My friend Myles and | were having an 
IM conversation about The Wire and 
hesaid, "All white people should be 
required to watch The Wire by law." 
and | said, "Don't worry, they all do. 
Otherthings | thought of included 
getting divorced, going to therapy, 
going to plays. It was funny and | said, 
That's it, l'm starting a blog." 

You've said that youlike to poke fun 


at yourself on the blog. Does the 
contentreflectyour passions? 


don't like outdoor performance gear, 
like Patagonia, and | don't like bumper 
kers, and | think that's it 


Canyou narrow down the kinds of 
white people you'retalking about? 
Itseems to methatyou're mainly 
aiming at hipsters. 
t'sacombination. There are 
some hipsters, but it's not just for 
twentysomethings in Williamsburg 
[Brooklyn] College townsare 
filled with these typesof people, 
They want to livein New York or San 
Francisco, they complain about their 
lives. It's college towns, big cities, 
theleftleaning 'ey're absolutely 
convinced thatthey reright about 
everything they do. | see the blog 
as part of the culture war inthe U.S 
Alotof left-wing people define "white 
people” as being white people who 
voted for George Bush and drive 
Hummers and live in unsustainable 
suburbs and McMansions. The ones 
'm parodying are more ofa class. t's 
about that liberal upper-middle class, 
and think it's funny to сай them whit 
people because they spendalotof 
time trying to get away from that 
Like, 'm white but | speak Japanese 
and studied abroad in Spain and 
can order in Mandarin at a Chinese 


"For sex, white people 
have oils and candles. 
Tantric is on their to-do list 
for the next 20 years.” 


BURIAL OFTHE DEAD 
By Michael Hogan 
St. Martin's Minotaur 


The deathof a wealthy old woman ignitesthekind of feeding frenzy among her 


relatives and potential heirs that isa staple of page-turning mystery stories. But 
what distinguishes Hogan's novel isnot as much whatis happening (although 
youre guaranteed to be hooked on the story) as why. Compelling characters. 
and adeepinsightinto human nature make Buria! of the Dead much more than а 
mystery story, and Hogan's lush, beautiful prose will haunt youlongafter the 


plethas unfolded.—Peter Bloch 


restaurant. It's an effort to get away 
from being white, but they're still 
white. 


Whatkind of sex do white people 
have? 

They have books and ollsand candles, 
Tantric would probably be on their 
to-dolist forthenext 20 yearsof their 
lives. They're after organic sex, to 
reduce carbon emissions through sex 


Whatdo they think aboutporn? 
They dislike it strongly unless it comes 
from Europe. All American nudity is 
exploitative, but European nudity is 
artistic. 


The site seems to focus more on men 
than women. 

The only reason for thatis that l'm 
male, and the best comedy comes 
from using what know best. But! do 
wantto put that store Anthropologie 
on thelist 


Ibet alternative weddings are a 
target. 

Definitely. You have to read an 
obscure Arab poet who taught at 
Columbia. 


Thereareonly a few individual 
people on your list, like Sarah 
Silverman and Che Guevara. Who 
elseis someone white folks like? 
Barack Obama's mom should be 

оп there. It's like the ultimate white 
person experience: taking 12 years to 
get a Ph.D. and traveling to a lot of film 
ivals in the sixties Om 


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{ool vemena TO ССА 


Available September 2008 wherever fine books are sold or order 


online at barnesandnoble.com and amazon.co: 


Penthouse Pets, 
Drinks. 
Penthouse Pets. 
Video Games. 
Penthouse Pets, 


What else 
Could a guy ask for? 


Fortune Nookie 


Chinese proverb say man who waits for roast 

duck to fly into mouth waits long time. The Chinese 

believe in making your own luck, and Macau 

me is atowering shrine to that philosophy. Duck 


acau isa crude mess of crum- 
bling Portuguese architecture’ 
and cramped apartments that 


PIOTOGRAPHIBYPIERRE MERMERICORSIS 


transforms atdusk into a neon circus 
that's seemingly entirely casinos, and 
the only place in China where you сап 
legally gamble. For 400 years it 
existedunderPortugueserule,return- 
ing to Chinese sovereignty in 1999, 
when it was granted 50 years to man- 
age its own affairs. Apparently, that 
includes a fot of baccarat. 
Considering that the main penin- 
sula spans a mere five square miles, 
20-odd casinos might seem exces- 
sive, but the Chinese love to gamble. 
Atleast 12more casinos are under 
construction; by 2010 the Las Vegas- 
inspired Cotai Strip will house a Four 
Seasons, Hilton, Conrad, and Raffles, 
in addition to the recently opened 
Venetian Macao—the word's second- 


E Can! have aHeineken please 2 
Mm goi, hey lek bear zhou? 


tbuilding-and the MGM Grand. 

Macau's gambling dens were little 
more than smoke-filled shit holes 35 
yearsago; entrepreneur Stanley Ho 
single-handedlytransformedtheland- 
scape. Today, the octogenarian's17 
casinos account for more thana third 
of Macau's gross domestic product. 

In 2004 the Sands Macau opened, 
with 740 tables in 229,000 square 
feet; the gold-plated fortress was the 
new world benchmark... for ayear and 


ahalf.In 2006Steve Wynn opened his 
$1.2 billion ode to luxury, with an 
800,000-gallon lake initslobby. 

But 95 percent of Macau's tourists 
are Asian, which brings usback to Ho 


їп Duck and rice, please, and some soup-filled 


dumpling 
Mm goí, yat teep Siu Ngap fan, yatloong Siu 
Long Pau. 


isn’t the only fleshonthe menu. 


By TomGuise 


AI Bgm 
West: the Grand Lisboa, a$384 
million, 58-story tower. Its greatest 
advantage lies in that most ancient of 
Chinese technologies, feng shui. 
Wynn's curved face (above, at rig} 
supposedly acted as a hand snatching 
the wealth from the old Lisboa. Thi 
latter's taller brother slaps the Wynn 
backand protectsits younger sibli 
How's that for martial arts? 

Butthese glittering towers have 
been dropped into apoor working- 
class province over a very short period 
of time, andthe contrast between old 
and new fallssomewhere between 
disturbing and fascinating. Of course, 
the casinosare bringing wealth to the 
city thatthe Chinese (literally a walk 
away) over the border can't imagine. 
Just remember touse the same street 
smarts you would in any othercity. 


п Dothat thing where you suckmy balls with 
the ice cubes again. 
Doryatchee Bing For. 


Gamble, get incredible 
food from curbside 
vendors, or check out the 
| prix... but don't miss 
filled saunas 


f ultra-thin 
thipper 


appeal, but they're fa 
fully functional 
con buy tw 
enough money 
home. Asi 


features, there’ 
and HDMI ca 
they work with 


Eco TV. They're 
price. (c 


It's not easy keeping up with what's 
new in tech gear, but these timeless items will get you noticed 
in all the right ways and leave a little cash in your wallet. 


By Paul Stone 


with envy. (Philips com) 


green TV won't break 
the bank, but it may make your 
other home-entertainment 
components green with envy. 


P I —— — и АДИҢ 


Nothing says “I am a man” like a beard, mustache, 
orevenachin curtain, but each style of facial hair 
says something different about you. Make sure 
you're sending the right message. 


By Jonathan Ages 


Prime Time 
Celebrity Facial Hair 


Richard Roundtree 


By Bill Heald 


It used to be that if you wanted to ride the most amazing race bikes on the planet, 
you had to get hired by a MotoGP team. Now, Ducati lets you buy one. 


porting motorcycles have 
always had anintimate 
relationship with racing, 


largely because you canremove the 
mirrors, tape over the lights, and 
go club racing ata track near you. 
Serious sport bikes are loaded with 
excellent performance goodies that 
really do make them close relatives 
to the bikes the pros race, withone 
exception: MotoGPs. These are the 
mostincredible (and expensive) 
two-wheeled rockets out there—top- 
speed motorcycles that bump up 
against 200 mph and are piloted by 
the best of the best in road racing. 
Mostofus would feel quite lucky 


to get close enough to touchone 

of these marvels. And until Ducati 
did the extraordinary by building a 
street-legal version of the GP, the 
idea of actually riding one home was 
sheer fantasy. Coincidentally, Aussie 
Casey Stoner thundered to the top. 
of the podium so often onthe same 


The Ducati Desmosedici 
RRis a MotoGP that just 
happens to be street-legal 
while producing nearly 
200 horsepower. 


versionlast year that he became 
the MotoGP World Champion. His 
machine was called the Ducati 
Desmosedici GP7, and the version 
youcanputinyourgarageis the 
Desmosedici RR. 

‘One of the impressive things about 
Ducati's authentic race replicais that 
(like the factory GP machine) it's 
loaded with incredible technology 
yet stays true to the Italian company's 
roots. The engineisa close copy 
of the Corse GP power plantand 
produces nearly 200 horsepower, 
even with the stock exhaust. This 
mill has four cylindersinstead of 
Ducati's traditional two, and they are 


set ata 90-degree L configuration, 
whichis a Ducati trademark. An 
ultra-sophisticated fuel-injection 
system with“microjet” injectors 
moves gas to the cylinders,and 
Ducati's desmodromic valve gear, 
which mechanically shuts the valves 
instead of relying on valve springs, 
ensures precise valve control even 
at stratospheric rpm. The crankcase 
and cylinder heads are cast alumi- 
num, while the engine covers are 
cast magnesium. The six-speed 
transmissionis a GP-spec cassette 
unit, and the clutch's “slipper” design 
keeps the rear wheel from locking up 
during spirited downshifting. 

In keeping with Ducati tradition, 
the Desmosedici has a tubular 
steel “trellis” frame called a hybrid 
on this model because it has 
unique elements and the same 


steering geometry as the GP racer. 
Suspension and braking components 
are pretty much the best kit out there, 
with Ohlins handling the springing 
and Brembo handling the stopping 
chores. From the carbon-fiber 
bodywork to the magnesium-alloy 
wheels, this isa drop-dead beautiful 
motorcycle that isas hot to behold as 
itis potentin motion. 

Of course, this incredible exclu- 
sivity doesn't come cheap: $72,500. 
Butfor the price, you get notonly 
atrue MotoGP street bike, but also 
athree-year warranty with main- 
tenance included. Two trick paint 
schemes are offered, but production 
isextremely limited and the'O8sare. 
already spokenfor.O+m 


Engine type 


Borex stroke 
Displacement 
Fuelsy 


Transmission 
Frontsuspension 


Rear suspension 


Fueltank 


Seatheight 
Dry weight 
MSRP 


Liaule-cocled, Inline 
Desmodromic valves 


mm x4256 mm 


fully adjus 
Dual Brembo 


“Ifyou ke 
havihg bullshit 
fights, she 

is definitely 
trying.to get 
youto break 
up with her. 
It's hard, but 
you just have 
to draw the 
line and say, 
‘Fuck it" 


Quitting Time 
Unless you're a one-night-stand devotee, there's a good chance you've | * 
spent time in Dumpsville. It sucks. (At least that’s what | © 


we've heard.) Penthouse Pet Valentina Vaughn reveals the secret 
signs women give before kicking guys to the curb. 


By Jonathan Ages 


[55 PENTH 


ADVERTISEMENT 


Dr. Stefanie Seaver PSY.D is an expert in the area 
of interpersonal rolationshipo. Researcher, author 
and accomplished publi speaker, she has lectured 


nationwide for over a decade. Dr. Seaver has also 


been involved with several publications covering 
relationship and lifestyle issues. 


below | 


Hey Fellas - If YOUR “Stamina” issues are keeping you from performing at your best then read this 
letter that reveals the sex secret that keeps you out of the penalty box and in her pleasure zone! 


Dear Steff. 

| know a lot of men read your column and could 
really benefit from this important STAMINA 
secret my boyfriend and | recently discovered. 


As much as hate to throw him under the bus, 
my boyfriend’s sexual performance was less 
than adequate when it came to his "stamina", 
He tried hard to please me and | can tell that he 
believed he was doing a great Job, which is why 
it was difficult for me to tell him the truth 


We've been together for about a year but last 
month, after what he thought was a “strong 
effort” for a Saturday afternoon, I couldn't help 
but be disappointed and | let him know there 
could be a bit of a gap between his perception of 
his sexual performance and our SEXUAL REALITY. 


{told him that love him but when it came to 
the “duration” of our lovemaking, | was often 
left feeling extremely frustrated - he always "got 
his” and that if he could "hold out” justa little 
longer, maybe I could “get mine.” 


He said he always thought that when he 
“punched the clock”, he was pulling a ^ 


Il shift” 


Of course, he was shocked by this huge blow to 


pplic 


ition 


his ego but after some serious sulking and a whole lot of 
denial, he realized his sexual stamina really could use some 
improvement. 


He was serious about improving his performance so he did 
some research and he found a number of cheap desensitizing 
lubricants on the market that were supposed to help his 
stamina but unfortunately they just made things worse. Not 
only did they completely numb him to the point where he 
could no longer perform ... but they completely numbed me 
tool That was the last thing our relationship needed! 


We were just about ready to give up when a friend happened 
to tell him about something new - something completely 
different. He told him that if he really wanted to improve his 
stamina and still maintain maximum firmness, he should 

тту a new Male Delay and Stamina Formula called 
Maxoderm VIVAXA. The ingredients in this new 

"sex stamina secret" make it different from other products 
because it contains a powerful blend of ingredients unlike 
anything else on the planet! It actually helps soothe 
hyper-excitable skin. It's not a numbing lubricant, and 


what | found: VIVA 


since it absorbs quickly, it won't ruin my 
pleasure. It seemed too good to be true! 


My boyfriend got a sample and that weekend we 
tried it. From the very first application, we noticed 
an incredible difference. What took 10 minutes 
now lasts an hour if we want it tol In fact, by the 
time we'd finished making love, I'D GOTTEN MINE 
TWICE! Needless to say, this has been a record 
breaking month for us. | know he feels great 
knowing that m completely satisfied and he's the 
reason why. And trust me, his confidence wasn't 
the only thing that shot through the rofl 


So Steffanie, please print this letter - I'm sure 
there's a ton of women out there wishing their 
men used VIVAXA, a quality male delay and 
stamina enhancing product that lets him put in 
the extra time that I need! | know they're still 
offering a IONTH SUPPLY" with your order 
if you call 541 or visit thelr website 
at Tell your readers 
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Pamela В, Nashville, TN, 


mau oA 


The Pour House 


On 


HN 
Dc 


Sometimes even the manliest guy needs to 
mix up something with a touch of cream. 


By Tucker Shaw 
Photograph by Nicholas Eveleigh 


corn or wheat or rice, orevengrapes 
orsugar. Most vodkas are around 
80 to 100 proof, or 40 to SOpercent 
alcohol 

The purest vodkas are exhaustively 
distilled and filtered to get rid of 
any flavor ortexture left over from 
whatever was fermented in the first 
place. Because it has so little flavor, 
vodka's aperfect mixing spirit, a 
clean slate, Some vodkas have added 
flavors like orange, lemon, coffee, or 
pepper. While this might seem like а 
needless bastardization of a perfectly 
good product (see also: flavored 
colas, "Cool Ranch” anything), the 
truth ls, people have been flavoring | 
Vodka for centuries 


T 
The frozen bullfrog is creamy and 
smooth like alime-sicleina glass. 
Serve this summertime cooler in the 
afternoon, when you're lying around 
in the sun by the pool. Or in front of 
thetelevision. Yourchoice. 

Tip: Make sure your cream is cold. 
Putit in the freezer for a half hour if 
necessary before blending. 


Serve this summertime 
cooler when you're lying 


around by the pool. 


Or in front of the television. 


Vodka, like all booze, is a product of | Ingredients (makes two drinks) 
fermenting and distillingandfiltering | 5 ounces vodka 

stuff, In the case of vodka, the stuff 2tablespoons frozen limeade 
could be almost anything: potatoesor | concentrate 


2tablespoons chilled heavy cream 


Add vodka and limeade concentrate. 
Blend forten seconds. Add cream. 
Blend for five seconds, pulsing in five: 
second increments as necessary. Pour 
Into cocktail or old-fashioned glasses, 
garnish with lime wedges, and serve 
immediately. 


Place two cups crushed ice in blender. \ 


| Classic bullfrog: Stir together two 


‘ounces vodka and six ounces limeade. 
Pourinto rocks-filled old-fashioned 
glassand stir. Garnish witha lime 
wedge Ore 


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When Lakota Indian Chuck “Chief” Mechling shipped offto war, 
he was entrenched in the brotherhood and esprit de corps of 
fellow Marines that constituted his off-reservation family and 
most of what mattered in this world 

Whenhe returned, it was alone,and clutching at the 
phantom sodden memory of dead dear friends. The burden 
of remembrance was made all the more painful by the hollow 
reception that greeted his reunion with America. "Nobody knew; 
he says. "Nobody cared. There wascomplete apathy.” And as 
Chief Mechling knows all too well, painful reminiscence unable to 
be shared hasa way of gaining weight. Itwas a dismissal hard to 
forget, and hardertoforgive. 

Whenhis son,a Marine in the footsteps of hisfather, returned 
homeafterhis second tour of duty in Iraq, Chief Mechling made a 
private promise that his son wouldn't be treated as he had been, 
He organized his local chapter of the Patriot Guard to receive his 
sonat the airport and escort him home in a convoy of screaming 
motorcycles adorned with flapping fiags—a small but reasonable 
demonstration of respect. 

Andthen, something unexpected happened: Two hundred 
riders showed up. 

Andas this mile-long furious flurry of motorcycles and 
fluttering flags sped downthe interstate, their numbersgrewas 
passing motorists in cars started to trail them. People whom he 
had neverknownand would never know saluted, honked their 
horns, and offered thumbs-up displays asthey changed lanes 
and made space on the interstate; traffic was acquiescentas a 
demonstration of appreciation. 

"People we never met just started joining in as we went. 

We'd lose some people, gain some more. lt was one of the first 
missions for the California Patriot Guard, and there were SO cars 
surrounding us honking and saluting,” Chief Mechling’s voice 
breaksas he considers the memory: "| can barely keep it together, 
thinking about this now." 

Between the homecoming of father and son, something 
within America changed. And according to Chief Mechling, 
it's this renewed sense of patriotism and identity that's given 
rise to the Patriot Guard, a nationwide organization of bikers 
and motorcycle enthusiaststhat protects, honors, and escorts 
any service member returning to native soil. t's alsowhat has 
made the Patriot Guard one of the fastest-growing grassroots 
organizations in American history: more than 100,000 members, 
and chapters in almost every state in justthree years. 

Chief Mechling joined, like most riders atthe movement's 
start, because of the Westboro Baptist Church, a deranged 
congregation of religious fanatics that tours the nation picketing 
the funerals of dead soldiers, carrying out an obsessive vendetta 
against homosexuality that curiously finds causal relation be- 
tweenthe U.S, military and what they perceive as the rise ofa 
sodomite nation:dead soldiers as divine retribution for America's 
increasing tolerance of homosexuals. 

For Mechling and many of the early Patriot Guard riders, 
the protesting of funerals was too eerily reminiscent of the 
reception received by their generation of soldiersand Marines. 
Their escort of funerals was a bid for both literal and emotional 
protection; a leather-clad symbolic counterprotest filled in rank 
and file by Harley-Davidson motorcycles. But somewhere along 
the way, the practice became entrenched in habit, and quickly 
transformed into a new, honest-to-God, homespun organic 
Americantradition: When a soldier returned to America, dead 
or alive, those who served before escorted this solder home in a 
demonstration of respect. Ina modern America where shopping 
at the mall constitutes civic engagement, for many, the Patriot 


When the motorcycles and 
flags sped down the interstate, 
their numbers grew as passing 
motorists started to trail 

them. People saluted, honked, 
and offered thumbs-up. 


Guard isa chance to reconnect with long-dormant feelings of 
enjoinmentto this great American experiment. 

Mechling's son is back in the desert now, chipping away athis 
third tour. And Chief Mechling does his part for corps and country 
by receiving his son's fellow soldiersand Marines, boththose who 
return safely and those who do not, Butthese days, because of 
faraway conflicts between Sunni and Shitte—differences that here 
onthe ground in America are difficult to discern—there are more 
funerals than welcome-home ceremonies. And bearing constant 
homage to the dead exacts a strenuous toll. For Chief Mechling, 
itinspiresfearfor the future: Each young man being lowered into. 
the grounds hisson, and he is each grieving, screaming parent. 

But he's less bitter about his own long-ago return: "A lot of the 
Patriot Guard riders tell me thisis the welcome home they never 
received. One day of being out there ona mission does more 
than 30 years of therapy. We will never allow our current vets to 
share the indignities we faced when we returned." He pausesto 
consider his final statementtome and adds, "Never again. 


It's early morning in Tacoma, Washington, and I'm in the rear 
parking lot of amotorcycle dealership with ЗО bikers and their 
motorcycles as we huddle under an overcast, darkened sky. We 
stand in puddles as we suck cigarettes and sip steaming coffee, 
We brace against the wind-agile, biting, and ferocious. We stare 
up at the ominous clouds and wince at the potent forecasting 

of imminent meteorological fury. t's a day custom-made fora 
funeral procession. 

For most, funerals are aforlorn ceremony. But forthe men and 
women of the Patriot Guard—motorcycle riders clad in black 
leather and the badges of their former military service who look 
every bitas fierce as the Hells Angels—it's a recurring painful 
tradition: another day, another dead soldier—inevitable and 
perpetual while inthe throes of twin wars, Most of them have lost 
countof the number of funerals they've attended and protected; 
the question itself Is considered rude because the number 
doesn't matter. They'll keep doing this as long asthey have to. 

They're mostly blue-collar, the folks that keep the nation afloat: 
They drive the trucks, work the factories, fix the cars—these 
are the people who defend us. They don't earn large salaries or 
accrued leave, but they come anyway, taking unpaid days at work 
and traveling long distances, sometimes from out of state, sothat 
they can participate, 

‘And this funeral we're about to protect, escort, and pay 
homage to is where the stainless-steel statistics of Pentagon 
press releases, listing the enumerated names of the fallen dead 
become real-life sobbing and exhausted tears. This is where the 
sanguine sentence structure of a newspaper obituary becomes 
a crying mother who has just lost her beloved son. This is Ground 
Zero for a family you've never met, grieving for asoldier you've 
never met. Buta soldier who died for all of us justthe same. This 
soldier'sname was Corporal Jose Morales. 


Joel "Cowboy" Oestriech is a Vietnam-era Marine with a gray 
handlebar mustache, looking dashingly sleek and fierce in 
wraparound shades and a black skull cap. He's the state cap- 
tain. | sip on my coffee as | shiver and ask him if it ever gets 
easier. Cowboy cocks his head and shoots me a look from 


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ly, even though itis, in 


d returned from Vietnam 
plague of memories he could 
Vhen Cullen enlisted in the Navy, his 


s room, told him he loved him 


the middle of the night." Hi 


emptto atone. 


(Top) Patriot Guard rds 
proceedtoacemeteryin 

Trimont, Minnesota, after a 
[2006 funeral fora National 


keep Westboro Church 

(— protesters away fromthe 
funeral ofa fallen soldier in 
Beebe, Arkansas. 


"Our main concern is that this 
American soldier gets respect... 
There are still people that care. 

A lot of our members had this 
patriotism. They just didn’t know 
what to do with it.” 


Polite laughter el 


you have in your 
epithet: "To 


The rain begins to fall 


With each Patriot 


еге honored: it 


andalıfe 

For Ro 
in the mud and the rain, buoyed fo 
homecoming only tobe 


fered bea 


recovered from wounds 
shouldn't leave the base 
be identifies 


matters 


had afforded hirr 


becau 


ment of appre 

or hissacrifice, For 
je looks and retreatin: 
er making 


ENERGIA 


ar-old boy sitting 
1 to offer what he had 


The Patriot Guardsalutesas 
‘the casketof an army sergeant, 
killed iniradin2006, is moved 
toahearse In New York City. 
(below, tromlaft) The Guard 
marching in Vandalia, Ohio, in 
February 2008; Guard bikes 
atafuneratinDetroit Lakes, 
Minnesota;in 2006; a final 
Salute at Arlington National 
Cemetery, 2006. 


an accident on his motorcycle, г 
his ing across from me. He was st 
asthinking, kind of weird. And he came up and said, ' 

to thankyou for serving our country: He 
amin school. | was surprised а! 
the first place. | deal withadultsevery day, and it 
ind of blew my mind. First time | ever heard this. 
couldn't find him. | war 
еу were teaching him about Vietnam," Р 
endofthephone 
eran, and 


d while he was in surgery, there 


That 


nine-ye: 


led to know what 


laughs onthe other 
here. Here 


ас 


wanted to know why we wer 
'mrunning around 
ught him in school because 
‘m thinking maybe he can tell me why 

Andas the warin Iraq soured and the wounded 
started to return, he decided to do what hadn't been done for 
him: "I'm working w 
Afghanistan, Counseling them, just ta them, helping them 
out as muchas I can." These days, as the Fresno ch: 
of the Patriot Guard, he’s allowed to be proud of his service. He's 
also thanked a lot more frequently. And business is booming. In 


we were there. 


urning from Iraq and 


erc 


four months, the Fresno chapter has grown from five membersto 
out this movementthat's catching on, 


striking atsome commonly felt note of discord with the modern 


35. There's something. 


е of Americ: 
He tells meabout another young soldier in Sonora, California, 
returned home. Rick's in charge of the services and 

terms, thatthis soldieris 


t Rick tells me, nno uncertain 


get onehellofa welcome. 


It's a quarter to nine in the morning ona weekday in the small 
п hamlet 
nto the folds of 


mount Sono 


a, aquaint, cute village tucked neatly 


he Sierra Nevada mountains. It's 8:45 am. and 
thereare 1,000 people inthe streets, trickling onto sidewalks 

he military museum, the Sonora Bridal 
utique, coffeehouses, and antique stores. They make their way 


vn'scenter, where they line the gutters and intersections, 


and 
B 
tothe 
lenching miniature Amencan flagsas they squint underthe 

‚am. and Sergeant Bobby Rapp has returned 
n the farside of the world, 

me one Bobby Rapp 

itin the parking lot with their 
al radio, the deejay reminding the 

ad 
fornia reads 


isphalt 


s they pa: 


blazing sun. 58: 


home-dead-fron 


At the local elementary school, thes 


attendedasa 


child,the teachers w 


classes and listen to the I 


townspeople of the sequencing of toi 


»y's events. Inst 


advertising its room rates, the signat the Inns of C. 


вовву RAPP, WAR HERO. At the old-fashioned firehouse, a firefighter 


ron the back of their fire engine, red 


stening, as he suspends himself over t 


ic, making final 


adjustments to the hanging oversize American flag th 


we 


esin 


the early-morning wind over Main Street. 


t's been said that when the Army and the Marines went to 
he folks 


t feel the pinch, That they don'tshare 


war, America went shopping, the suggestion being tha! 


small-town America do 


e sacrifice ma 


je by the young men and women of the armed 


utthe people who would say such things have never 
Sonora, 
scream-inducing 


here the loss is visceral and intense; atear-and 


punch to the gut. Places like Sonora 
n from the valley to have 
п combat. Proportionally, Sonora | he hardes! 
ommunities in all of America, and with a population of only 
4,000, it's a brut: 
it's like God has it out for the people here; he keeps taking 
f the Patriot Guard. 


where 


3rd sacred 


one ot 


burdento bear. 


their sons," says one leather-clad member 


he straddles his E and 
‘or protesters, |askhim if he knew Sergeant Rapp. 


rutinizes the passing 


'orcyci 


hedidn’t-but that's notthe pol 
An Army vet himwearing a baseball cap that 
ntifies his unit of duty with patriotic pinsand flags responds 


Rapp'sthird 


ade 
0 be an objective journalist, I'm 
too, was a soldier in Afghani 
oomuch—the ce 
zens, the fire truck, and the 


And although l'm supposed 
them 


who almost died. Ant 


jective outpouring 
Feel intim 


f veterans and cit 


95 
about, simply by being here. it's 


ing an American. 


And then, the elasticity of the crowd contracts, the subdued 
kes the cro 


ions trail off, and a silence overt 
'eetinanticipation.Int 
thunder ofa motorcycle engine revving, leading the 
'ocession through the town. 
Here comes the Patriot Guard. Ot- 


otsince Russia in 1980 has there beena more 
controversial host government forthe Olympics. 
Fromits policies in Sudan (whereithas helped 
finance a regime engaged in genocide) and Tibet 
toits domestic repressionto a rather nasty smog 
problemin the host city, the Chinese Communist Party has its 
hands full trying to pull off a successful, incident-free Summer 
- _ Games.Eventhepre-Olympics torchrelay, which is normally 
little morethan a PR exerciseswas interrupted by protests. 
Asforthe competition, there will be a smattering of 
new events on the athletic menu, including BMX racing 
and marathon swimming events formen and women. 
Otherthan that=and thepatential for poltution- 
induced asthma attacks among the marathon 
runners—these Games will remain essentially 
thesameas previous Summer Olympics, 
and we're fired up. Herewith, a break- 
downof our favorite events. 


60 PENTHOUSE.COM 


меа т swimming 
andtrackand field, 


SPORT: Track and Field 
WWhy We Like It: Track andfield is the 
‘Summer Olympics, from Jesse Owens 
to Carl Lewis to, yes, Ben Johnson 
What to Watch: The 100-meter 
dashis the crownjewel, and it awards 
the killer title of World's Fastest Man, 
butthereare many other worthy 
events, We like the punishing 10,000 
meters, the long jump, the high jump 
(especially women's; see below), 

and the 200-meter dash, where the 
athletes come around the bend with 
еу violate 
ne speed limit. 

Who to Watch: Tyson Gay: The U.S. 
sprinter is gunning to join Owens and 
Lewisastheonly mento win four gold 
medals in a single Games. Gay will 


run the 100, 200, 4 x100relay,and,he 
hopes, the 4 x 400 relay, Liu Xiang: 
China's TO /0n gold in 
Athens in'04,andisexz 
again on home soil. H 
record holder, but he'll be running 
with the weight of China's 13 billion 


sthe world: 


people squarely onhis shoulders. 
WPerformance-Enhancing Drug 
(PED) Profile: Off the charts. You 
пате it- EPO, HGH, testosterone, 
anabolicsteroids—it has turned up. 

in samples taken from track athletes. 
WHotties of Note: Researchersare 
'uggling to explain why female high 
jumpers are so foxy, and they have 
many examples to work with: Amy 
Acuff, U.S.: Blanka Vasic, Croatia: 
Emma Green, Sweden. Jenny Adams, 
ahurdler from the U.S.,is also not 
someone you'd eject from your 
sleeping quarters for consuming 
crumbly snack food, 


SPORT: Basketball 
WWhy We Like It: it's now a compe 
tition instead of a coronation, as the 
he world has caught up with 
the histonically dominant U.S. team. 
The Americanshaven't won gold 
since 2000, losing three games en 
route to an embarrassing bronze in 
2004. They'll be hungry to remedy 
thatthis year—and have more than 
enough talent to get the job done. 
What to Watch: Three teams had 
yet to qualify for the men’s tourna 
ment atpresstime (pending a 

1 ourney in Greece on July 

14 to 20), but there are already some 
intriguing group-stage matchups 

on the schedule, including Lithuania 
against Russia, the U.S. against 2006 
world champs Spainand its roster 

of NBA-tested players, and the U.S 
against China, with its towering 
frontcourt of seven-foot-five-inch 
Yao Ming (Houston Rockets), seven 
foot-one-Inch Wang Zhizhi, and 
six-foot-eleven-inch Yi Jianlian 
(Milwaukee Bucks), Plus: Iran (!) isin 
this tournament. 
WWho to Watch: LeBron James, 
Kobe Bryant, Dwight Howard, and 
therestofthe U.S, superstars, of 
course, butother nations will bring 
plenty of firepower as well, including 
Pau Gasol (L.A. Lakers), Juan Carlos 
Navarro (Memphis Grizzlies), and 
Jose Calderon (Toronto Raptors) of 
Spain, Manu Ginobili (San Antonio 
Spurs), Luis Scola (Houston Rockets), 
and Andres Nocioni (Chicago Bulls) 
of Argentina, and if they qualify 
Dirk Nowitzki (Dallas Mavericks) of 
Germany, Beno Udrih (Sacramento 
Kings) and Sasha Vujacic (Lakers) 
of Slovenia, and Antonis Fotsis 
(formerly with Memphis) of Greece. 
IPED Profile: Low, as far as we 

know—unless you count weed as a 
performance enhancer. 
WHotties of Note: Much like the men's 
tournament, women’s Olympichoops 
is much more competitive these 
daysthanin the past. The U.S. may 
win gold, but it won'tbe a cakewalk. 
As for off-courttal 
Australia's Lauren Jackson —all six 


feet five inchesof her, 


rest of 


Why watch track 
and field? Have 

you seen the female 
high jumpers? 


є Pre > = 
SPORT: Swimming 
WWhy We Like It: We usually don't 
- & & pay much attentionto swimming, but 
pm von 9 
ics roll around, the 


ways pulls us in, Swimming, 
y, from Johnny 


o Mark 


al poster boy), and 


cs serves up a hand 


performances, ata minimum 
What to Watch: The men's 
400-meter individual medley, 4 
x100-meter freestyle relay, 200. 
meter freestyle, 200- meter butterfly 
4x 200-meter free relay, 200-meter 
individual medley, 100-meter 
butterfly, 4x 100-metermedley 
eam known 
Phelbsondissitest | 25 Michael Phelps'sher 


ГЕ swims in nine days (counting 


event 


ulean quest: 


prelims), Also: the controversy 
surrounding thenew Speedo 
bodysuit swimsuits, which are so 


buoyanta 


d drag-reducing that 


h referred to them 


swim 


s "technological doping." S 


im 


mers 


preposterous 37 world records from 
mid-February to mid-May, leaving 
ren'tsponsored by 


cult choice: Do 


lower time by sticking 
th their sponsor's suit, or do they 
rank, absorb 


Speedo? Speedo sponsors various 


bre: 


ions, including those c 


reat Britain, 
ave individual 


WWho to Watch: Ses 


Dove: The 


ld medals and two bronzes in 


He' 


trying tobe the 


y spor 


win eight gold medals in one Gam 


WPED Pr 

No.2 in the 200-meter butterfly, 
nnis Drymonakos of Greece, 
ed positive in May and withdrew. 
mthe s. There is no sho! 


hers like hi 
WHotties of Note: Sexy p raphs 
of Australia's Stephanie Rice drew 
million hits on a British 


ckabsanda 
ue, Laure Manaudou of 


Italian swimmer Luca Marin. Natalie 
Coughlin and Kathleen Hersey of the 
USS. are not unpleasa 


Olympics Proview 


SPORT: Beach Volleybal 
awh: 


Who to Watch 
Kerri Walshand Misty May-Treanor 


Larissa (yep, like Bra te 

men play beach volleyball, too: The 

J.S. team, Todd Rogers and Phil 

Dalhausser, won the 2007 worlc 

jefending Olympic champ 
Rego and Ricardo Santos с 

Russia's Dmitry Barsouk andigor | и 
Kolodinsky. : 


WPED Profile: Un) 


W Hottie 
Brazil's Talitastands out along with | £4 
Australians Tamsin Barnett, Katie б 
Bartoli, and Eliza Dean Here's hoping | $4 
they all qualify, but f not, Google i 


Treanor arethefavoritesin 
beach volleyball, but really, 
thesport isabout so much 

han results. 


JOINTHE. 


KIWI EMBARGO 


GAMES, MONT! 


son 


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Celebr етогғаі bigt є viti r ›пгое%$ bra or 
othehorrorof mer s jue case of dark brown moroccoleather, it was looking much 
toaccept its authenticity, ti ıe worse for Wing driec hriveled over the preced: 
Napoléon has drifted around Europe er passed the collection 
States since his death in exile in 1821 95 Brothers, which sold itin 
beef jerky and keptina leather prese 1924 n bibliophile A.SW. Rosenbach 

adorned with a gold-embossed crown. Adding insult to injury r £400. Home in Philadelphia, Rosenbach boasted loudly of 

the item now resides ina suitcase under a bed In suburban New a ture, showed it offat dinner parties 

Jersey, How could such a sacrilege occur? According to its nine- and in 1927 even айс o be displayed inthe Museum 

teenth-century owner, the organ was illeg: New York. Word got out, and the item drew pruri 

Napoléon's autopsy by his vindictive and s nt Maudlin sentimentalizers sniffed," areporterfrom 

physician, Dr. Francesco Antomm ne noted, while "shallow women giggled, pointed, 

France by his corrupt, greedy chaplai thereporter noted, was "something looking like 


Themodern world's of buckskinshoelace or a shriveled eel." In 


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speck 
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eches, and teacups, guarding them religiously for nea oleonicpr 


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ts 


Evenbefore our current craze for bringing historical heroes 
down to earth, the world was awash with famous bits and pieces. 
Astheancient Romans used to say, Sic transit gloria mundi. 


Iw JESUS CHRIST'S FORESKIN 
Provenance: Baby Jesus circumcised 
eightdays after birthaccording to 
Jewish tradition. When Jesus ascends 
toheavenafterhis death in 33 A0. 
Christians assert, the sacred foreskin 
isleftbehind; passed on by Mary 
Magdalen to Johnthe Baptist. 

Relic Journey: In the Middle Ages, 
eight different towns in Europe 
claimtohave the divine foreskin. The 
Vatican's officially recognized version 
inRomeisstolen by a solider in 1557 
but ends upin the hill town of Calcata, 
3Omiles north, where tis put ondis: 
play until mid-twentieth century. 
Current Status: In 1900s, Vatican 
distances itself from saucy relic: Day 
of Holy Circumcision removed from 
church calendar. in 1983, Calcata par 
ish priest declares that the foreskin 
(which he had been keeping in a card 
board boxin his bedroom) has been 
stolen, Italian conspiracy theorists 
blame the Vatican, Mafia, neo-Nazis, 
and/or satanists. 


WJOANOF ARC'S HEART 
Provenance: Although burned at the 
stake in Rouen bytheEnglishin1431, 
legend holds that Joan's heart mirac- 
ulously survives inthe ashes. (Modern 
forensic experts say that the heart is 
often resistantto fire dueto its high 
water content.) The English burn the 
body twice more, then dumpashes 
inthe Seine, but rumorspersist that 
fragments were saved. 

Relic Journey: In 1867,a Parisian 
pharmacist discoversa jar of charred 
oddmentsmarked "Remains found 
under the stake of Joan of Arc, virgin 
of Orleans,” French patriots rejoice. 
Current Status: 2007 DNA tests show 
the jumbled remains to be Egyptian 
mummy flesh (à common medical 
remedy in the Middle Ages), a prece of 
linen, anda cat'sthigh bone—evident: 
Iy gathered as part of a nineteenth- 
century fraud when Joan was claimed 
by French as national hero. 


IW SIR THOMAS MORE'S HEAD 
Provenance: Afterhis execution by 
King Henry VII! in 1535, for refusing to 
accept marriage to Anne Boleyn, the 
heads parboiled and hung on Tower 
of London for a month. 


Relic Journey: Daughter Margaret 
Roperbribes gatekeeper for head as 
heisaboutto toss itinto Thames ("to 
make way for others”). Legend has 

it that she keeps jt in a “leaden boxe" 
preserved in spices and is buried with 
skull inher arms. 

Current Status: in 1978, archaeol 
ogists open Roperfamily cryptin 
Canterbury and find skull in secret 
niche; one prominent tooth missing, 
like Sir Thomas. Unproven, but gener: 
ally believed to be authentic. 


B KINGCHARLESI'S 
VERTEBRA 

Provenance: When the body of ill- 
fated British king is exhumed before. 
dignitaries in 1813, fourth cervical ver 
tebra (damaged in 1649 beheading) is 
accidentally not returned to coffin. 
Relic Journey: Fragment is appropri 
ated by Sir Henry Halford, future pres- 
ident of Royal College of Physicians, 
placed in gold-lined box, and dis- 
played on his dinner table; rumors 
that healsoused it asa salt holder. 
Current Status: Halford's embar- 
rassed heirs return macabre objectto 
King Edward VII, who reunites it with 
royal corpse. 


OLIVER 
CROMWELL'SHEAD 
Provenance: In1661, three years after 
his death, the embalmed corpse. 

of Puritan dictator Cromwell (who 
arranged execution of King Charles |, 
above) is evicted from Westminster 
Abbey, hanged, and beheaded by 
royalists for regicide. Head is placed 
ona pole on display for 23 years 
before being stolen by a sentry. 

Relic Journey: Enters the world of 
private curiosity collectors:in 1799, 
battered skull painted and displayed 
in a Bond Street freakshow; pur 
chased in 1814 by Josiah Wilkinson; in 
19505, descendant Horace Wilkinson 
shows head to children but refuses 
BEC crew. 

Current Status: After scientists 


Pathol 


declare the skull authentic, Crom- 
well's old college in Cambridge, 
Sidney Sussex, accepts head in 1960 
and buries insecret location. 


САШ. ЕО FINGER 
Provenance: In1737,95 yearsafter 
thescientist's death, middle digit is 
removed by Italianadmirer Anton 
Francesco Gori when Galileo's body 
isdisinterred in Padua for reburial 

in grandtomb. Finger revered for 
symbolically "pointing the way” from 
medieval ignorance to modern scien 
tific world. 

Relic Journey: In 841, put on display 
in Florence Library, then transferred 
to local science museum. 
CurrentStatus: Desiccated digit 
acceptedas authentic; still on display 
today in an egg-shaped glass case in 
Museum ofthe History of Science in 
Florence, surrounded by Galileo's sci 
entific instruments. 


PERCY BYSSHE 

SHELLEY'S HEART 
Provenance: After drowned Romantic 
poet's corpse washes up on Italian 
coast in 1822, decomposing body 

is burned by friends on beachside 
funeral pyre, evoking Greek heroes. 
As poet Byron watches, miraculously 
intactheart plucked fromashes by 
roughneck Trafalgar veteran and 
writer Edward Trelawney. 

Relic Journey: After unseemly squab: 
ble, heart is presented to distraught 
wife Mary (author of Frankenstein), 
Mary keeps heart wrapped in silk in 
book of Shelley's poetry, Adonais: for 
the next 30 years, showsitoffto visi 
torsas part of Shelley "shrine" with 
original manuscripts and locks of 
poet's hair. 

Current Status: Inherited by son Sir 
Percy Shelley; reported buried with 
him in 1889 in St. Peter's Churchyard, 
Bournemouth. (Poet's ashes are in 
Protestant Cemetery, Rome.) 


B THOMASEDISON'S BREATH 
Provenance: Friend and admirer 
Henry Ford requests that Edison'sson 
Charles capture Thomas's last breath 
on his deathbed in a test tube in 1931; 
Ford believes this contains his soul. 
Relic Journey: A labeled test tube, 


ogist Thomas 


Harvey drove from 
Princeton to California to 
present brain to Einstein's 
granddaughter. 


corked and sealed with paraffin, is 
found in Ford's belongings on his 


death in 1950 (with Edison's shoes) 
Current Status: Tube currently on 
display in Henry Ford Museum in 
Dearborn, Michigan, devoted to 
‘authentic objects, stories, and lives 
from America’s traditions of ingenu 
ity, resourcefulness, and innovation.” 


MEINSTEIN’SBRAIN 
Provenance: Apparently against 
Einstein's own wish that he be cre- 
mated, genius's brainisremoved at 
autopsy within seven hoursof his 1955 
death at Princeton, then spirited off 
by pathologist Thomas Harvey ina 
mason jar. Harvey also removes eyes 
and gives them toa friend, Einstein's 
eye specialist. 

Relic Journey: Harvey soon dismissed 


by Princeton University for refusing 
hand over Einstein's remains. Takes 
brain to Wichita, Kansas, then in 1997 
drives cross-country from Princeton 
to California to present brainto 
Einstein's granddaughter. (See 
Michael Paterniti, Driving Mr. Albert.) 
Current Status: Brain returned to 
University Medical Center at Prince 
ton, where it now resides, Eyes report 
edly kept in optometrist’s drawer for 


New York Ci 


B JFK’S BRAIN 

Provenance: Returned to Kennedy 
family after1963 autopsy. 

Relic Journey: In 1968, Congress 
orders brain returned for further 
study, but Kennedy family says it (and 
some other key items) ismissing. 
Current Status: Evidently cremated 
by brother Robert to stop brain 
becoming public curiosity piece. 
Rumors spread that it was disposed 
of to hide evidence of "second gun: 
man’ /frontal shots in Dallas, or to hide 
signs of JFK's syphilis. 


WABRAHAMLINCOLN'S 
SKULLFRAGMENTS 
Provenance: After Lincoln dies 

from head wound in 1865, frenzy of 
souvenir hunting occurs; jocks of 
president's hair, his bloodstained col 
lar suit cuffs, piecesofhoteltowel 
dipped into his blood, are removed. 
Surgeonskeep pieces of Lincoln's 
shattered skull that were removed in 
treatment and later autopsy. 

Relic Journey: Relics passed on by 
family members, soon sought by pri 
vate collectors at auction. 

Current Status: Skull fragments, locks 
of hair removed by surgeons, and 
bloodied suit cuffs are still on display 
inNationalMuseum of Healthand 
Medicine, in Washington, D.C. Shown 
alongside isa "piece of John Wilkes 
Booth, assassin"—tissue taken from 
vertebrae during the autopsy after 
execution. Lincoln's deathbed, bloody 
sheet, and towel fragments now on 
display in Chicago Historical Museum. 


PHARAOH 
TUTANKHAMEN’SPHALLUS 
Provenance: in 1968, 3,292 years 
after he died, X-rays by Liverpool 
University researchers show Tut's 
penis missing—apparently “souve: 


nired” four decades earlier bya mem: 
ber of the famous 1922 archeological 
team that discovered the mummy. 
Fingers pointed at Harry Burton, 
the officialcameraman who was left 
alone withtheunwrapped corpse in 
1922 before it was swathed again for 
Cairo's Museum of Antiquities. 

Relic Journey: Mysterious, Burton 
died in 1940; heirs remain silent. 
Some suggest phallicdesecration 
wascause of mummy'scurse" that 
claimed team members in 1920s, 
including Lord Carnarvon. 

Current Status: Zahi Hawass, head 
of Egypt's Supreme Council of Antia 
uities, declares in 2006 that he has 
discovered King Tut's penis sarcopha 
s during CT scan of mummy. The 
shrunken organ had fallen oft in 1968, 
Skeptics feel Hawass is simply trying 
to stem disrespect of Egyptian icon, 


W RASPUTIN'SLINE 

AND TACKLE 

Provenance: Elephantine member 
trimmed from "mad monk" after his. 
1916 murder by jealous Russianaristo 
crats in St. Petersburg; according to 
rumor, discovered by palace maid 
murder site, 

Relic Journey: Turns up in Paris five 
years later, worshiped as fertility sym: 
bol by female white Russians in secr 
ceremonies. Claimed by Rasputin's 
daughter in California until herdeath 
in 1977. Trail elusive: one item bought 
at auctiontums outto be dried sea 
cucumber, 

Current Status: An T\8-inch organ 

is currently on display in Russian 
Museum of Erotica, St. Petersburg, 

in formaldehyde jar, owner claims to 
have bought it from unnamed "French 
collector" for $8,000, Authenticity 
seriously in doubt, since early descrip: 
ions of relic said it had been dried out, 
not pickled. 


W JOHNDILLINGER'S PENIS 
Provenance: After death in 1934 ЕВ! 
ambush outside Chica 
newspaper photographs of Dillinger's 
corpse beneath a sheet suggest an 
unusually large (and erect) organ. 
Relic Journey: Legend says J. Edgar 
Hoover purloins penis and keeps it 
in ajar, then donates to Smiti 
Institution, Washington, D.C. 

Current Status: Hippie protesters 

in 1860s who enter Smithsonian 
demanding to see Dillinger's organ 
are greeted with blank stares. 
Evidently, the 1934 photograph was a 
trick of the light: Dillinger'sarm, stiff 
from rigor mortis, lifted sheet to give 
impression of monster weapon. 


The Führer’s 
Other Ball 


Hitler’s missing testicle has inspired a cottage 
industry of explanations from historians. 


When the Sovi 
Hitler's corpse in 1968, some 23 years after his suicide, it con 
ined the startling datum that the Nazi di 


finally released the autopsy report on 


la 


the Berlin bunker on May 4,1945, and partly burned 
line, was identified soon afterward through Nazi der 
(Hitler had terrible teeth, with distinctive m 
incisors), On May 8, the strikingly named Russian autopsy sur 
geon, Doctor Faust Shkaravaski, found that Hitler's scrotum sa 
had survived the bo 
served" but 

Why Stalinkept the report secret from the Allies is a mystery. 
But when the news of Hitler's ball finally did hit the West in '68, it 


gaso- 


tal implants fo 


ed 


ationintact—"'singed but pre- 


vas very definitely minus a bollock. 


of explanations from industrious historians. 


THEORY NO.1 

HEWAS BORNTHAT WAY 
The possibility that Hitler was born with monorchi 
missing, provoked a flurry of studies on his psychology, a 
Hitler's evil was an extreme case ol 
have been linked to this physical condition. 


ng 
he behavioral changes 
reudians sug 
that boys with monorchism are obsessed with ordering the 
World, often via architecture—and Hitler was certainly fascina! 
with building grandiose structures (not tomention designing 
an entire world order). Other psychiatrists have suggested that 
the genital defect might alsoinduce 
aggressive [tendencies], sadomasochistic fantasies, eroticized 
megalomaniac daydreams... compensatory sel 
ment, heightened aggressiveness," and “revenge fantasies. 


uc 


‚grandize- 


THEORY NO.2 
IT WASAN OLD WAR WOUND 

Perhaps, historians have mused, the testicle went AWOL dur 
ing the First World War, when Hitler was wounded by a bulletin 
the thigh, which possibly damaged the groin. After the Sovi 
autopsy came out in1968, Hit 

mander onthe Western fron 


ler's doddery old former army com 
declared tha 


the author Ron Rosenbaum managed to track down Hitler's 
even-more-geriatric physician from the 1920s, whoins 
Hitler's genitals were in fact quite normal. (Nazi records don't 

help here: By the time he had seized power in 1933, Hitler was 

refusing to undress for doctors; even his trusted personal physi 
cian, Dr. Theo Morell, only ever examined him in his underwear.) 
Such confusion has led some scholar: 
ditio 
ently recedes. 


was actually subjec 
one testicle i 


sm, where 


ermit: 


THEORY NO.3 
THE SOVIETS MADE THE WHOLE THINGUP 
The debate has been made even murkier by the suspicious 
coincidence sh song from the Second World 
War impugnsHitler's manhood, Sung to the catchy tune of the 
“Colonel Bogey March" (used in The Bridge on the. 
Hitler—has only gat one ball 
Góring-has two, but very small 
Himmler is very sim lar, 
And Góebbels has nc 


balls atal 


Po PENT 


short, The body, which had been found ina shallow ditch outside 


was greeted with fascination and has inspired a cottage industry 


t, yes indeed, Adolf had 
been found to be one ball down during a standard physical. Later, 


е führer 


Rosenbaum, whohas probably delved deeperinto the subject 


than anyone, concluded that the whole one-ball idea was a Soviet 
practical joke. The Russians were far from averse to doctoring 
information about Hitler to mess with Western minds. Keeping 
е autopsy report secret helped foster the rumor t 
escaped to Argentina and wasstill alive. They leaked information 
aboutHitler's skull to suggest that the führer had died "a coward's 
death” by poisoning rather than shooting himself. So where did 
'e testicle idea come from? Rosenbaum speculates that while 
they were preparing the autopsy for release inthe 1960s, Soviets 
consulted defected British spies Kim Philby and Guy Burgess 

n Moscow, and the pair of upper-crustreprobates suggested 
including the datum on Hitler's ball as one last “fuck you" to the 


West Ota 


Privates. 
2 ry Unzipped, by Tony Perrattet, 
Copyright © 2008 by Tony Perrottet. 

Reprinted by permission of HarperEntertainment, 
an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers. 


500 Years 


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her rock’n’ roll-hard. We'd give this hot 
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Photographs by Emma Nixon 


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into fights twice injunior high. 
Evennow, asan adult, nothing turns 
than makeup sex 
right after a bigfight” 


“My ideal manis artistic 
and smart, but | really love 
musicians with darkhair, 
tattoos, and blue or 
green eyes. Andasense 
Sf humoris a myst!" 


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Pet of the Month 


PENTHOUSECOM 77 


Petofthe Month 


Pet ofthe Month 


50 PENTHOUSECOM 


Q Jessica Jaymes 
Pet ofthe Month 
August 2008 


Vital stats: 
29 years old;5'7" 

340-22-33 

Favorite movies: 

The Shawshank Redemption, Fear and 
LoathinginLas Vegas, Blow 


Hottest movie sex scene: 
Denise Richards, Neve Campbell, 

and Matt Dillon havingathreesome in 
Wild Things 


Favorite food: 
Sushi 


Favorite drink: 
Chardonnay 


Favorite vacation spot: 
Hawaii 


Worstjob: 
Weighing cheeseatTaco Bell 


Dreamjob: 
Helping the homeless 


What gets youin themood? 
Sensual massages and bubble baths 


Character flaw: 
Im too trusting and gullible! 


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ith the practical 


Hi 
Where do you 


you clean them? 


ore them? 
do they really feel like? How 
mize 
it compare tı 


girl,and 
how the hell will we ever find someone 


with both who can 


al questions, We found 


nline abo 


t guy: 


e'girifriend 


asked, Но your 


doll have? Why are th bikinis 


reserved for one of 


Do Real Men 
Play With === 


ne of our questions in 
FAQs, which, by the 
mend reading. 


Lars and the Real Girl left us with questions 
about RealDolls.... Lots of questions. 


ГОС МЄ 


ACOMPENDIUMOF CARNAL KNOWLEDGE 


RealDoll.com 
FAQs 


HOW DOICLEANMY DOLL? 
A cleaning kit isincluded which consists of adouche bal 
and antibacterial soap. After you have used your doll, 
flushthe cavities out with warm water and antibacterial 
soap. The faceof the doll canberemovedforeasyclean- 
Ing. You can run the face under hot water to clean itbut 
avoid wetting the eyelashes. 

WHATIS THE BEST WAY TOSTOREMY DOLL? 

It shouldbe stored hanging in a neutral position, with legs 
slightly spread, fromthe provided neck bolt. The neck 
boltis removable for when you areusing the doll or when 
itislying down. 

HOW MUCH WEIGHT CANTHEDOLL SUPPORT? 
RealDolls can safely support over 400 pounds. 

HOW DOES SEX FEEL WITH A REALDOLL? 

When penetrated, a vacuumis formed inside the doll's 
entries which provides a powerful suction effect. This 
effectis strongest in theRealDoll'soral entry. Some usos 
have reported intense orgasms due to this feature. 

TELL ME MORE ABOUT THE DOLL'S ENTRIES, 

The inside of the vaginal and anal entriesare molded 

as part of the dolls and have texture and shape which 
make them feel very much like areal person. A RealDoll's 
vaginal lips can be stretched apart very realistically... The 
oral entry has very soft stretchy lips, ultra soft tongue, 
softsilicone teeth, anda hinged jaw thatopensand closes 
Very realistically, The tongue can be removed to allow for 
more space and easy cleaning. The Insideofthe mout 
ribbed fora very pleasurable effect, 


1500s 1930s 


French and Spanish sailors | The Japanese develop sex 

useclothdolls in female dollsfor naval crews. The 

formas companionsonlong | Japanese termforsexdolls, 
Waifu, comes from 


journeys. D. 
| Dutch Wife, abody-length 
wickerbolster usedinthe 
Dutch East Indies to keep. 
asleeper'slimbscool. The 
bolsters were used foro! 


reasonsbylonely sailors. 


The Nazi 
work on. 
Borghild, asexual "counter- 
ince" for Heinrich 
Himmler's storm troopers 
Rumorhasit thatthereign- 
ing Germanbeauty of the 
the vonNagy, was 
provide alikeness 
ofher face for the doll but 
politely declined. 


1970s 


Hideo Tsuchiya, the presi- 
dentof Orient Industry 
‘Company, has said Orient 
started producing life-size 
atomically correct dolls 
for disabled men who were 
unable to finda partner. 
Tsuchiya also said, “Twice a 


[Buddhist memorial service] 
for discarded dolls." 


1982 


Ashipmentofsexdollsis 
denied entrance into Great 
Britain by Her Majesty's cus- 
toms service and cited as 
obscene or indecent items. 
The ensuing legal complaint 
goes all the way to the Euro- 
pean Court of Justice in 
1987, and Britainisforcedto 
lift its stringent prohibitions, 
which dated back to 1876. 


RealDolls inthe Real World 


ONFILM person human? Why the ONLINE 

HBO Real Sex: attraction tolovedolls? DoliForumcom. 

GuysandDolls Isit unnatural? Cana doll owners and 

This documentary focuses person havea fulfiling enthusiasts discuss thelr 

on several doll owners, relationship with a sex dollsand share tips 

including a young man doll? fyou'renct sureit 

who isso devoted to his wanting yourowndoll DollAlbum.com 

doll thathe gives her means you're mentally il, photo galleries created 

footmassages, a lanky thisone'sforyou. bydifferentdoll owners. 

Southerner who claims WotchHolly go from a 

withpridetohave "three  LarsandtheRealGirl buxom blonde drawing 

guns, two girls" anda This lm by Craig toa RealDoll, orcome 

Californian attemptingto Gillespie exploresthe along as Kimiko tries on 

date "real" women while relationship between the her old schoalgirl uniform 

maintaining his collection socially awkward Lars and searches for things 

of eight RealDolls (Oscar nominee Ryan thathaverolledunder the 
Gosling) andhis RealDoll couch. 

APerfectFake girlfriend Bianca. When 

Marc de Guerretakesan he introduces her tohis Homemade-Sex-Tovs 

Intellectual approach, familyandfriends,hilarity ^ .com/SexDoll 

asking, Whatmakesa ensues „sorto how-to-Instructions for 


om bulldinga poor man's 
silicone lady friend 


CoverDoll.com 
a photo gallery of dolls 
(youneed permission. 
to Join) 


Е Gordon Griggs Website. 
http://www. Geocities 
com/GordonGriggs/ 
GingerBrookesRealdoll 
Page html 
aproponentof silicone 
love (Gordonwas featured. 
in HBO's Real Sexdoc) 


INPRINT 

Still Lovers 
ByElena Dorfman 
aphotography book 
about love dolls 


I-Doloid 
love dollsinvarlous states 
ofundress andplay 

- —Rence Gregory 


1996 2003 2005 2007 2008 


Abyss Creations begins. Tsuchiya tells a Mainichi The Milky LoversCafeopens | Sweeties: Finest Sex Doll Clement Eloy reportedly. 
producing theResl Doll TeporterthatJapan's"elite" | inJapan.Clientscanrenta | Rentalopensin California | releases the Hotdoll, essen- 
Using Hollywood special- | scientistsare fucking his doll for 30 minutes for about | For$50anhour a doll will | tially asexdollfor your 

effects technology Orient Dolls, asthecompany | $25. Customers selectthe | bedeliveredto your house in | pooch. He says thatnot only 
to produce realis isthe "official" supplier head(optionsincludepink- | aninnocucus-ockingbrown | do you nothave tocastrate 
appearanceand feel oflove ойсо Japan's box Or youcan use the your dog, but i's funny to 

I — — — | Antarctic research station. companysiounge;owners | watch.(FeelAddicted.com) 


surprisingly modest andloungeattendants Tony 
There are strictrulesofplay, | and James adviseclients 
and dolls are che ondoll etiquette: No biting, 
damage before clients leave. | no makeup, no handcuffs! 


Morgan was thrilled when Marlie came 
over to borrow a cup of sugar. 

She'd had her eye on her neighbor for 
ages, and knew Marlie had 


to offer inexchange. 
Photographs by Charles Lightfoot 


To Morgan's surprise and. 
delight, Marlie had the same 
thingonhermind. Who 

needs daytime TV whenthere's 
ahothorny babe to please? 
The only thing desperate about 
these housewives is their 

need toget off. 


ES 


Morgan & Marlie 


96 PENTHOUSECOM 


Marlie couldn't wait to pin 
Morganto the couch 
andmake her beg for more. 
Aftersheslippedoffher 
friend's lacy lingerie, 
herhands wandered down to 
Morgan'sthrobbing clit. 


Morgan & Marlie ee a м 


As Marlie’s tongue and 
fingers probed Morgan's 
glisteningfolds, she enjoyed 
asweetertreatthan either 
of them could ever bake. 


кь е a 
карс, 


эв PENTHOUSECOM 


Morgan & Marlie 


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Clitoral shaft 
(under clitoral hood) 


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connect—what most people usually thinkof when they think 
toris" Some clitoral heads extend out like an erect nipple, while 
shierones hide under the hood. (The more aroused she becomes, 
the more retracted the clitoral head may become, as the ligament 
supporting it tightens with sexualtension.) One of the best ways 
to arouse the entire clitoris is to provide stimulation to this head/ 
tip, not only because it's external, but because it contains more 
nerve endings thanany other part of the body, male or female. 
Clitoral Hood: The female equivalent of foreskin: The clitoral shatt 
runs under it and the clitoral head sticks out of it. The hood is 
created by the junction of the outer edges of the inner lips meet. 
ing above the clitoral head 

Clitoral Shaft: You can often feel the short (ie, less than an inch 
long) shaft of the clitoris underneath the hood asit burrows into 
the genitalia, first in the direction of the pubic mound before t 
turnssharply downward and splits into two lang wishbone legs. 
Clitoral Legs: The twoslim prongs of the clitoral wishbone that 
run underneath the labia and flank either side of the urethra, the 
urethralsponge, and the vagina. Like the clitoral head and shaft, 
the leas are made of erectile tissue that stiffens during arousal. 
Clitoral Bulbs: As well as the wishbone, there are two eggplant 
shaped bulbs thatrunalong the inside of the clitoral legs, 
beneath the innerlabia and around the sides ofthe urethra, the 
urethral sponge, and the vagina. This erectile tissue also becomes 
engorged during arousal, puffing up even more than the legs 

and making the inner labia balloon. 

Outer Labia or Lips, aka the Female Scrotum: Developed from 
the same embryonic tissue that becomes the scrotal sac in men, 
the outer labia are the twohairy pads of fatty tissue that pocket 
theinnerlabia, clitoral head, and the urethral and vaginal open: 
ings. While sensitive to touch, the outer labla—unlike the clitoris 
and the innerlabia—don't have a very rich concentration of 


nerves, nor do they change in shape or color much during arousal. 
The outer lips, whichare usually covered in pubic hair, are some- 
timesreferred to as the labia majora, though we tend to avoid 
this term as it implies that the outer lips always protrude further, 
whichis not necessarily the case. 

Inner Labia or Lips: The two moist, hairless inner folds of tissue 
that connectat the top around the clitoral head (forming the cli- 
toral hood and the frenulum), run along either side of the urethral 
and vaginal openings, and connect at the bottom just under the 
vagina (forming the fork), Despite what porn and labiaplasty 
docs might have you believe, there isgreat—notto mention total- 
lynormal—variation in their appearance from woman to woman: 
light or dark, trim or long, smooth or wrinkled, turned inward 

or flared outward, one side larger than the other... And during 
arousal, a woman's lips will often change in appearance, swelling 
and darkening from increased blood flow to the area. Due to their 
sensitivity and role inarousal, the inner labia are often considered 
anextension of the external part of the clitoris. The inner lips are 
sometimes referred to as the labia minora, though again we pre- 
fernot to use thisterm, as it's quite common for a woman'sinner 
lips to protrude further than the outer lips. And given the number 
of nerve endings in the inner lips compared to the outer, this can 
be quite a good thing, so don't let anyone tell you otherwise. 
Frenulum, aka Bridle: The junction of the inner edges of the two 
inner lips usually just below the clitoral head, which, like a man's 
frenulum, is sensitive to stimulation. It may also be considered а 
part of the external clitoris. 

Urethra: The short, thin tube running from the bladder to the 
‘small opening between the clitoral head and the vaginal opening 
through which urine and, insome women, female ejaculate are 
eliminated. 

Urethral Sponge, aka the Female Prostate: The spongy erec- 
tile tissue surrounding the length of the urethra that consists of 
glands, knownas paraurethral glands, which produce an alkaline 
fluid similar to that produced by the male prostate (ie. it's not 


One of the best ways to arouse 
the entire clitoris is to stimulate 
the head/tip. It contains 

more nerve endings than any 
other part of the body. 


urine), This fluid may be expelled into and out of the urethra and 
then out of the paraurethral ducts in а processknownas female 
ejaculation; this may occur in spurts, ina rush of fluid, or in such 
insignificant amounts as to be undetectable, The embryonic tis- 
sue thatdevelopsinto the prostate gland in male fetuses devel- 
opsintotheurethral sponge in female fetuses, 

Uspot: The external area surrounding the urethral opening. Like 
the area right around the penis's urethral opening, this nerve-rich 
spots Sensitive to touch and may be an undiscovered erogenous 
zone for her, because you are indirectly stimulating one end of the 
urethral sponge (similarly, with G-spot probing, you are stimulat 
Ing one side of the urethral sponge), Stimulation of the U spot is 
oftena happy accident of nearby clitoral head and vaginal orifice 
stimulation. Upon arousal, it may protrude a bit and take onthe 
appearance of an acorn top, like the external tip of a penis. 
Gspot: The area of the urethral sponge (or female prostate) that 
canbe felt and stimulated through the top wall of the vagina by 
inserting a finger, fingers, penis, or sex toy a few inches inside апа 
pressing up toward the navel or the back of the pubic bone. The 
texture of this area is often rougher and more ridged than the 
other, smoother vaginal walls. Some women find this stimulation 
incredibly pleasurable, some find it necessary for orgasm, some 
find ituncomfortable, a sort of painful pressure reminiscent of a 
urinary-tract infection. 

Paraurethral Glands and Ducts: Prostatic-fluld-producing glands 
(usually about 30) embedded in the urethral sponge. Upon 
arousal, they fill with this fluid, which may, during G-or U-spot 
stimulation or orgasm, drain (1... gush, spurt, or dribble) into and 
then out of the urethraas well as out of the two external openings 
embedded inthe U spot known as the paraurethral ducts (they're 
almost impossible to detect). This process is known as female 
ejaculation; depending onthe size and the number of glands 
you've got (every woman is different), and whether you enjoy 

G- and U-spot stimulation, you may spurt across the room, or not 
even notice any extra fluid emanating from this area. 

Vagina, aka Vaginal Canal or Birth Canal: The canal that runs 
from the cervix (the door of the uterus or womb) to the orifice 
between the urethra and the anus. Penises, fingers, and sex toys 
cango in here; it's also where menstrual blood and perhaps 
babies come out. The clitoral legs, clitoral bulbs, the urethral 
sponge, the perineal sponge, and the pelvic floor muscles all sur- 
round the lower half of the vagina—during arousal, they become 
engorged and erect, and then (and only then) can they be stimu- 
lated by vaginal penetration. The resulting tightening of the outer 
third of the vagina causes it to become sensitive to frictionand 
pressure. (It could be argued that these other structures are what 
are really being stimulated during penetration, not the vagina.) 
Thisis why girth and shallow penetration are often more effective 
for her pleasure than length and deep pelvic thrusting. and why 
penetration feels best once a woman is fully aroused or perhaps 
even has just had anorgasm. 

While the vagina is self-lubricating (the pressure of increased 
blood to the genitals during arousal expresses a clear fiuid that’s 
filtered from the blood through the mucous- membrane walls of 
the vaginal canal), don't rely on lubrication as her quintessential 
sign of arousal, as many factors caninhibit the natural flow ofthis 
wetness, even when she's turned on. 

The vagina's fornices (fornixis singular) are the deepest 


recesses of the vagina created by the extension ofthe cervixinto 
the vaginal canal. The A spot (anterior fornix) and the cul-de-sac 
(posterior fornix), two other "vaginal hot spots,” may be easier 

to reachand stimulate once she is fully aroused, as the uterus lifts 
and the back of the vagina balloons out. There's also the PS spot 
directly opposite the Gspot (see “perineum” ). However, keep in 
mind that otheras-of-yet-unnamed hotspots may existfor her 
anywhere within the vaginal canal (for example, the sides of the 
canal), and it's a matter of experimenting with what feels right 
and nice. The vagina is often misconceptualized as the equivalent 
ofthe penis; while there certainly is anundeniable yin-yang factor 
necessary for reproductive purposes, а faras sexuality and plea- 
sure goes, the female equivalentof the penis is the clitoris. 

A spot, aka A zone, Anterior Fornix, АРЕ zone (Anterior Fornix 
Erotic or Erogenous zone), or T zone (for Trigone of the Urinary 
Bladder): There are way too many names and way too many erro- 
neous write-ups on the Web about this particular vaginal zone. 
Putsimply, it's the nerve-richarea deep inside the front (I.e, ante- 
rior or belly side) wall ofthe vagina, next to the cervix (Le, past 
the G spot, beside, or even beyond the tip of the cervix), Thinkof 
itas stimulating one side of the bladder via the front wall of the 
vagina (just as you stimulate the urethral sponge via the front wall 
of the vagina when G spotting). It's notalwayseasy tostimulate 
the A spot with typical intercourse and it's hard to reach with your 
own fingers, so squatting or pulling your knees up while having 

a partner reach for it with their finger(s) or using a G spotter (a 
vibrator or dildo with a curved tip) with a long shaft may be bet- 
terat determining your sensitivity there. Some people, like the 
Malaysian doc who "discovered" this zone in the early nineties, 
report that stimulating this area, especially with repetitive strok- 
ing that eventually incorporates the G spottoo, can help increase 
vaginal lubrication and orgasmic potential 

Cul-de-sac, aka Fourchette: The junction where the bottoms of 
the two inner labia meet, just beneath the vaginal opening. 
Perineum and the Perineal Sponge (aka PS spot): The perineum 
isthe short bridge of tissue between the vaginal opening and the 
anus. Just beneath tisa tightly packed tangle of blood vessels 
alternately known as the perineal sponge, perineal body, or PS 
spot. Like other erectile tissue, this mass floods upon arousaland 
can be sensitive to massage and pressure via the perineum, the 
lower wall of the vagina (opposite the G spot), or the anus. 
Апиз and Rectum: The rectum isthe S-shaped tube that serves 
as the passageway for poo between the intestine and the final 
exit, the anus. Thisnerve-rich orifice—which consists of two fairly 
snug, finglike sphincter muscles—is surrounded on all sides by 
one layer of the pelvic floor muscles, which also surround the 
vagina and urethra, Nearby is the sensitive perineal sponge as 
well. Thus, it makes sense that the anal area would respond to 
stimulation and can be an integral partof her genital pleasure and 
even orgasm. 

Pelvic Floor Muscles: A series of muscles stretching from the 
pubic bone tothe tailbone and running between, around, and 
beneath the various sexual structures, which, if strong and | 
healthy, provide (a) support to these structures and other internal | 
organs, (b) urinary and fecal continence, and (c) sexual pleasure; 
they contract in response to sexual stimulation, causing sexual 
tension, which may eventually get released during involuntary 
contractions of orgasm Oa 


Reprinted by arrangement with DK Publishing 
from Sex How to Do Everything, by Em & o. 
Copyright 2008 by DK Publishing. Text 2008 
byEm&Lo. 


I KNOW HOW HARD TO PUSH 


hour 


оме 


106 PENTHOUSECOM 


creative. During a slow week in Vegas, when the only convention 
in town was forlow- rolling furniture-builders, she hooked up with 
a friend and sold girl-girl shows for small groups rather than full- 
on sex (whichthe market would not bear at her prices). "I like girls, 
so Itwas funforme;” she says. "I madeatleast$400 an hour and 
didn't have to touch any ofthe guys." 

That said, she presses for max payments but recognizes that 
it’s all relative, "When somebody calls me from a cellphone, look 
at the area code and get an idea as to where the gentleman lives. 
A guy from 415 [San Francisco] will probably be willing to spend 
more than a guy from 416 [Toronto]. Then | ask where he's staying 
and what he's intownfor.If he's at the Wynn Las Vegas hotel on 
business, we're starting at $1,500 and lm selling full service.” 

Once Anastasya is in a client's room, withan initial price settled 
on, demand for her product suddenly spikes. That is when the 
negotiating begins in earnest: "If l'm giving a guy a blowjob, and 
thatis all he paid for, | keep my panties on. If he wants them off, 
| tell him thathe has to kickit up, money-wise. Then, once we've 
gotten to that point, if he wants to touch me, | wiggle away a litte. 
He says that I'ma tease, | say that he needs to be more generous." 


ALWAYS BE SELLING 

(ои never know when an opportunity will come up. Апа! 
amalwaysaware of that. have a sortof radar that keeps me 
conscious ofthe men around me. When l'm outin my regular 
lifeanda guy is staring, l'llwalkoverand introduce myself. No 
problem. It helps that l'm naturally friendly and outgoing. Let's 
say lam ata casino valet or a supermarket ora car wash; | start 
talking to a guy and he asks me what | do fora living. | tell him, "I'm 
a dancer! Heasks where | dance and | say, Wherever you want me 
to, Then the guy usually says, 'Oh, you're that kind of dancer?' 
say, ‘Yeah, | am: | have those conversationsall the time" 

Whenever you make a phone call or walk out the door, you 
have an opportunity tosell-whether (“ва product, an idea, or 
yourself, But before doing that, youneed to find your point of 
differentiation. Be able го concisely explain why the people who 
count should pay attention to you. Just remember not to cross 
the fine line between being Interesting and being pushy. 

Anastasya has enough sex appeal thather target audience 
is inclined to buy, She increases the likelihood of closing the 
sale by handing out business cards, text messaging 1000 orso 
regular customers with some variation of "Good morning, honey." 
and always dressing in a manner that accentuates her best 
assets- whethershe's gambling on the Strip or shopping inthe 
supermarket, 

Additionally, she regularly embarks on marketing expeditions 
thatexist for the sole purpose of stirring up new business. She 
goes to Tryst nightclub at Wynn on Thursdays (it’sthe hot night 
there and helps her get booked for the weekend), coversthe 
local market by cruising Monday Night Football at the Palms, and 
rarely misses a high-profile boxing match. “Guys hiton me all the 
time, and my goal is to turn every one of them into clients.” she 
says. "Same women see an older gentleman staring and they 
say, 'Eeeew. My response is, ‘Ooooh, that guy wants to give me 
money. Maybe | should go overand buy hima drink. 


II MONEY ISN'T EVERYTHING 

"Anything that takes care of financial responsibility for meis pay- 
ment. Ifa gentleman wants to post money to my Victoria's Secret 
account, I'll take that. Other times | take Visa gift cards [thathigh 
rollers get as gifts] from the casinos. Sometimes you dobetter 
that way. When clients pay me in cash, itcan limit my upside. On 
the occasion whena guy wants to take me to Gucci or Ferragamo, 
Iknow!'ll get more than what he'd have paid meincash.Some 
guys don’t want to pay outright. They claim that they don't pay 


NW 


"| maintain spreadsheets on 
everybody's likes and dislikes 
and fantasies. | may not know a 
client's birthday, but I know if he 
enjoys it when | rub his balls.” 


forsex, sothisisa way around that, A lot of men like the idea of 
being seen walking around with me, spending a lot of money. 
And if a guy's not comfortable going to Gucci, | say, Okay, let's 
go to Best Buy and geta flat-screen.’ Every guy is willing to do 
something. You just need to be creative about what that thing is." 

Big fat checks are nice, but cash is not the only form of 
remuneration. Supplementing your income with barter can 
be lucrative and life-enhancing, This form of payment is 
popularenough that companies suchas YouExchange.com 
апа BarterltOnline com exist forthe sole purpose of bringing 
together different businesses. 

Anastasya happily barters for anything and everything, Thus 
farshe'smanaged to swap sex fora $3,000 Loro Plana handbag, 
loads of desiger clothing, and a 550 Mercedes-Benz. (When she 
told asmitten client that she needed a car, he gave her his nearly 
new Benz; she sold it for $70,000.) Guys have paid her college 
loanand taken her shopping. But, she warns, if you're in a partic: 
ularly appealing business, price the goods you offer at wholesale, 
"An executive from 7 Jeans gives me $1,000 worth of pants, and | 
knock $500 off the price of service,” she says. "I refuse to value it 
at full retail. Afterall, the guy got the merchandise for free.” 


B= CALCULATE RISK, CURTAIL VOLATILITY 
“Hell yeah, there is risk. The number-one risk is the police. | try to 
cut that out by picking the gentleman rather than letting him pick 
me. Vice comes right up to youand tries to get you to go upstairs 
immediately. They don't waste any time. They re often nasty right 
from the start. They want to get you saying as muchas they can, 
so | generally talk about money as little as possible. | don't like 
talking about how I can use my mouthto put a condom onto a 
guy's penis. Gentlemen act like gentlemen. Vice copsdo not. They 
usually dress in no-name jeans and untucked button-down shirts; 
they immediately offer $1,000 to do itinthe ass, To me, that does 
not sound very safe.” 

itis virtually impossible to be in any kind of moneymaking 
enterprise without taking on a certain amount of risk. This is true 
whether you're an attorney working for a piece ofthe settlement 


ora banker negotiating loans ora pipe fitter who needstoassess 
the downside ofa shortcut compared to the hours it will save, One 
key to being successfulis to be able to quantify risks, figure out 
the ones that are worth taking, and think through the negatives 
before taking chances. 

п Anastasya's case, her risks are not financial so muchas they 
involve time consumption, wearand tearon herbody, and the 
ever-looming prospect of getting busted. Like a lot of smart 
businesspeople, she recognizes the worthof sacrificing profit to 
500 than 
‘ake a shot at four one-hour sessions for $1,500 each." After 
all, she explains, every time she steps inan elevator, she has the 
potential to rankle casino security; whenever she meets witha 
new client, there is a chance that he will be an undercover cop. On 
a purely mathematical level, she reduces volatility by giving up a 
chunk of potential profit over the course ofa given night. 

Asasidebenefitof playing it safe, overnight customers are 
more likely to become repeat customers (Integral for success 
inany field), And that, too, takes some of the gamble out of 
Anastaysa's work; she knows that a repeat customer is nota cop 
and he will probably buy an extended session, which translates 
into more money. 

Recognizing the value of regulars—and grateful for the safety 
they provide—she keeps favored clients happy by throwing in 
special treats:"Sometimes I'll surprise a gentleman by bringing 
alonga second girl, He doesn't ask for her and he doesn't pay 
forher. | pay the girl out of my money. | can be very personable, 
maintain spreadsheets on everybody's likes and dislikes and 
fantasies. | may not know a client's birthday, but! know ifhe 
enjoys itwhen rub his balls. 


FOLLOW THE CASH 
'You have to respect the seasonality and economiesof various 
places. |find out from clients about award showsand conventions 
nother cities where the right kinds of men will be present. Any: 
where there is a huge swarm of men, that is where | wanttobe. 
Staying in Vegas all the time is no way to leverage profits, During 
summers in Vegas, I'd spend a lot of time fucking locals and charg: 
ng them less. | doa lot better in the Hamptons or Saint-Tropez." 

Devote your business life to selling snow shovels and the 
market is obvious. Opt forsomething more dynamic, however, 
and your profit center keeps changing. Smart people track 
markets and analyze informationto find locales with new, 
untapped opportunities. 

it can be as simple as keeping up on parallel businessesthatare 
suddenly thriving in certainareas. One trick here is to establish 
trusted sources whocan clue you in on the information before 
your competitors have it. Anastasya does this by cozying up 
to taxi drivers who provide her with copies of tip sheets, put 
together by the Las Vegas Visitors Bureau, that reveal casinos 
where conventions are being held (so that drivers know where 
they'll be needed). She also maintains hotel-based sources who 
keep her abreast of occupancy percentages; afterall, the busiera 
casinois the likelier she will be tofind customers there. 

When things really slow down, Anastasya does what every 
smart businessperson does: She seeks fresh territories—often 
ith the help of a call-gir networkshe has cultivated. inher 
case, the hot spot is usually Miami, San Diego, or Dallas (“Dallas 
is ridiculous," she says. "I make 60 grand there in six weeks, but 
don't really like the city"). She hits Hawaii forthe Pro Bowl, goes 
wherever the NBA All-Star Game happens to be, and touches 
downin Indianapolis during Biker Week. Still, there's no place 
like home: “The Professional Bull Riders Championship in Vegas 
isthe best. Cowboys are fun, they're not cheap, and they love 


reduce risk. "I'd rather dooneall-nightsession for $2, 


Just whenwe thought summer 
couldn't get any hotter, 20-year-old 
Southern belle Georgia Jones 

takes us for a sweaty, sandy, sexy day 
atthe beach. 


Photographs by Josh Ryan 


110 PENTHOUSECOM 


u 


\ 
Wi $ 
fers 


Georgia 


Dim 


A - 

“I'ma good girl most ofthe 
time, but | have a fetish for 
exhibitionism. I'm totally in love 
withtaking my clothes off. | 
havenoshame!” 


PENTHOUSECOM 113 


Georgia 


“From the moment! lay eyes 
ona guy, ittakesme about two 
seconds to decide if I wantto 
fuckhim. If lagree to a date, 
hecanrestassuredthat he's / 
goingto get laid.” 


114 PENTHOUSECOM 


“Once, Iwas house-sittingat a 
friend's mansion and threw 
ahuge party. Itied another girl 
to abedpost andmade her 
come while all the guests 
watched. What canIsay?! 
know how to throw a party.” 


116 PENTHOUSECOM 


"| could commit to one guy— 
ifheturnsmeontothings 
I've never experienced. But 
there’snot much | haven't 
done, so he'd better be really 
adventurous!” 


WE'RE LOOKING FOR THE 
HOTTEST GIRLSIN AMERICA, GOTO 


PENTHOUSEMODELS COM. 
TOSEEMORE OF GEORGIA, VISIT 


тө 


TheArtof 
Point Blank 


lil METHOD AND MIND-SET 


omen. But there's areasc The method itself is 


neone youlike, you don't 


meeting wor hey don't even try seearing. you go in.(Bearinm talking abouta bar. All 
cle.mwilling tobet that recently, ina bar, because alcohol greases the skids, and hook 
t, you saw a girl whe ок up isan implied agenda forthe evening. l'm talking about a 
youlike, the body you dream about. Whatdid y j call in ordinary, everyday life.) Guys talka big game, espe: 
know what you did. It's what you do every time. Noth e paid hemselves, but do you realize how few of them 


for her coffee and walked out, and you'll neve 


Don't feel bad, it's happened to al competition from the opening gun. 


Feelterrible. You should feel terrible abc pleas Much ofa man's attraction revolves around his power and 
sible—because that's the f 'onfidence. What's more powerful and confident than fearlessly 
short, my friend, and you aching a woman in public and laughing in the face of a 


aboutsomem 


bein yembar п? But how about elim 


опо rejec e any 


perfect soulmate, because ntial for er 


and all risk of embarrassment (foryou or her)? 


really the right girl just t М # you ran 
company, would you wa view2 lob | MN WHAT DO I SAY? 
Whatl'mabout 


appler, remove a 


1 piec 


you must a business card with your contact informati 


uu must have iton times, One sure thing i 


t important, help you meet women our dreams, it'll bein some 


method. And this is not The Game: |understai 


d. You mustalwaysbe ready to 


ntcard will say that you're a person 


neone who's going to dress up. 


he way, Strauss nthe sh 
keep in mind: Leavenoro 


typical situation you 


ing tobang as many wom 


fuck up. 
t's going 


not. | have no problem wi at sex demon lurk 


ing within us use 


som d 


ourownc you're probably not ready for it 
This isn't about that. This ve ina one-on-one scenario. So, 
eal wtf women n example. Thankstoa m 


they'renot іск, they're everywhere, and often 


chnique can work in 


omen. Butthe tı 
since, inthe grand 
involve m 
puss: 

Okay, here we 


БК. irl whois def- 
you look. If you're 
hen maybe—ah, 


seeh 


ouldn 


again, trust me. 


120 PEN 


feel. Keepin mind that there's a fine line between “cool dude with 
the stones to approach me" and “creepy weirdo,” Relax and do 
your best to come across like a regular dude. One who is gallant 
and romantic enough to make this against-the-odds move to win 
herattention, that is. 

Once you're near her, simply say "Excuse me..." to gether 
attention. As she looks up, fade back just slightly so you don't 
appear threatening-or bat-shitinsane—and finish the line, 
you single, by chance?" 


are 


B THAT'SIT? 

Yep. Do it asnaturally and matter-of-factly as you can, but that is 
it. Yourwork is 95 percent finished. You might be surprised, but 
forwhateverreason, the body language of fading backcombined 
with speaking inan open and welcoming way puts her at ease. 

Its all aboutthe subtleties. It's also about brevity. We've all 
attempted a lengthy and witty line that played out perfectly in our 
heads, but spun out of control when delivered, turning us into a 
stammering idiot. This мау much more effective, trust me. Cuts 
right to the chase, butina non-threatening way. 

Itsalsoa helluva lot better thantheall-too-common, yellow 
bellied technique of making ambiguous small talk, leaving the girl 
withthe option of believing that she's not being hit on, Something 
like "ls that the half-and-half there?" usually ends with "Yes 

After that type of exchange, the guy feels ike he actually went 
forit, Luckily, he can go home and play with his own vagina. 

"Are you single, by chance?" communicates everything in one 
easily delivered line. Unless you ve been snacking on paint chips 
forthe past year, you should be able to get it out clearly. 


B NOW WHAT? 

The human brain is quite the machine. Hers will instantly down: 
load a massive amount of information about you just by the way 
you look, dress, move, and enunciate your words. You just have to 
letit happen. Sit back for a split second, and wait for your answer. 
if she finds you attractive and you pulled off the approach prop- 
erly, she will say something like, "I am, actually" Sold. 

Now watch your airspeed and ease up onthe controls. 
Introduce yourself, say you're on your way to meet friends, but 
does she have a card, orcanyou get her number and maybe get 
together for a drink? Make sure you ask this. It's polite and she 
will definitely say yes. | stress the importance of getting the con: 
tact information and leaving. Your work is finished. You will be 
seeing heragain. 

Insales, it's important to know when to shut up. You just sold 
it; don't buy itback. Go havea great night and feel good about 
yourfuture date. 


B WHAT IF THE ANSWER IS NO? 

Thisis the beauty part ofthe Point Blank. It eliminates potential 
embarrassment for both of you by giving her the option of saying 
she's not single. She's not saying she wouldn't: she's saying she 
can't. If she says this, simply hand her your contact info and say, 
"A man can hope. Can give youthis anyway, Just in case?" 

She will take it. And there is still a chance she's going to contact 
youatsome point for several reasons. One, she could have just 
said that she wasn't single reflexively, because she was thrown 
off guard by being Point Blanked. Like | said, not many other men 
are doing it, so few women are prepared for it. But once she'shad 
some time to think about it, who knows? She might call the next 
day. Two, she really may havea boyfriend. Even then, you still 
mightget acall from her at some point. Either they breakup or 
it's onthe rocks or she's a cheater, or whatever. Just give herthe 
card, move on, and hope for the best. 


M 


The Point Blank communicates 
everything in one easily 
delivered line. Unless you've 
been snacking on paint chips, 
you should be ableto get it out. 
Ш LIFEIS ALL ABOUT TIMING 


When timing your approach for the Point Blank, make sure you 
leave yourself an out, Meaning, don't make your move untilafter 
you've got your coffee. The last thing you want is to execute this 
and then have to stand with her, waiting for what will now seem 
like an eternity for your double latte. I've done this, and it's bru 
tal—especially if she's not interested atalland there's a small audi- 
ence of fellow customers watching you marinate in your moment 
of failure. Be sureto time it fora graceful exit. 


Ш UPSIDE > DOWNSIDE 

In addition to the beautiful simplicity of the Point Blank, there's 
the negligible downside. What's the worst that can happen? She 
says she's not single? It's not even a direct rejection. That's the 
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Dream Machine 

The melding of dreams and realityisa 
popular sci-fi piot device that getsan 
unexpected twist in Bud Lee's latest 
The show opens with Charmane 

Star in the woods with James Deen 
who laps ther cleft before fucking 
itin several positions (their reverse 
cowgirl best shows off her tight little 
body) and drizzling hiscome onher 
beautiful tits Risi Simms'sfans will 
find fheirdreams have come true. Her 
first (and creepiest) scene starts off 
witha very sexy solo masturbation 
bit, nicely paced and cleverly edited 
to include fantasy footage in which 
she sees Star and Deen. Next, she 
couples with Lex Belleinadinertha 
finds the pair devouringa diferent, 


no doubt more enjoyable, type of pie. 
Herthird appearance is in aboy-girl 
combo;the scene's main appeal lies in 
Simms's understated nastiness while 


together in an odd and unsett 
resolution that plays off its flick's 
original dramatic conceit. Worth: 
you makeit to the end. 


Top left Risi Simms and 
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Charmane Star and James 
Deen. Right: Lexi Belle 


124 PENTHOUSECOM 


Penthouse 

Stripped Bare 

Whohasn't gone bat-shitcrazy 
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is, you're better off than ad man 
Billy (Marcus London), who blows 
his brains outinthe disc's first few 
seconds, Then we find out why:a 
lithe and lean dancer named Aubrey 
(Brooke Banner), whose dangerous 
curves led him down the road to 
destruction. It's a toss-up as то which 
of Banner's two scenes is best. Her 
coupling with London is a smoker, 
е definite attraction between them 
taking it to great erotic heights 
Her scene with Niko Noir is more 
primalifabit more inthe porno 
mold. Jezebelle Bond and Audrey 
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In their roles as Aubrey'sroommates. 
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They don'tchew the scenery asmuch 
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| 4 m 
When making love, how you make | 
herfeelis much more important 


than your size. This position guide will 
help both of youget inthe groove. 


By Victoria Zdrok, Ph.D. 


PHOTOGRAFHBYTOMSCHERLITZ/GETTYINAGES 


udging by yourletters to me, men are 
g—— 
penises— their size, shape, and rigidity. As | 

| have stressed before, most womenare quite happy 
withanaverage penis, and many will be satisfied 
witha smaller one, as long as it is attached to an 
attentiveand caring lover. Many women prefer. 

| shallow penetrationto deep thrusts because the 
most sensitive area of a vagina islocated near its 

entrance. However, whilesize does not matter 

much, the fit does, and some partnerssimply match 

better than others. 


BIG PENIS (LARGER THAN SEVEN 
INCHES WHEN ERECT) 

f you're huge, your best bet isside- 
lying sex. Try a position called the. 
pretzel, Have herlie on her back as 
youlienext to her on your side with 
опе of your legs between hers. She 
should throw her top leg over your 
hipand extend the other. Once you're 
inside her, from your side, roll on top. 
of herand back, thrusting with each 
roll, Thisworks well for bigger penises 
because you will not have a full range 
of thrusting motion, 

A woman-on-top posi 
girl,isalso great for larger penises 
because she can control the depth 
of penetration. Plus, she does all the 
work while you lie backand enjoy! 


AVERAGE TO BIGPENIS (FIVE TO 
SEVEN INCHES ERECT) 

inthe reverse cowgirl, she faces your 
feet and lowersherself on top of you 
This allows her to control how deeply 
you penetrate her while giving you 

a great view of herass, Thisisn'tthe 
bestposition for clitoral stimulation, 
so put your hands to work, 

The good ol missionary position is 
usually pleasurable for average-size 
parties, but if she complains that you 
are too big, or if she needs clitoral 
stimulation toachieve orgasm, you 
canalso perform coital-alignment 
technique, whereby you move upward 
along her body so that the base of 
yourpenis stimulatesher clitoris. Your 
penetration will be shallow as you will 
be"riding higher in the saddle" and 
rocking rather than thrusting, 


п, or cow. 


AVERAGE TO SMALL PENIS (THREE 
TO FIVE INCHES ERECT) 

Try a modified missionary with her 
legs raised all the way and her hips 
propped up with a pillow. Tilting her 
pelvis up allows you to thrust deeper 
andmakes herG spot and clitoris 
more accessible for stimulation. To 
achieve this, have her lie on her back, 
then raise her legs up and rest them 
against your chest, orslide apillow 
under her buttocks and hook her 
knees over your shoulders, 

To make getting inthis position 
easier, Investinafoam wedge from 
Liberator.com, orusea yoga wedge. 
You canachieve deep penetrationthis 
way,andifshe crosses her ankles, itl 
tighten hervaginalcanal, enhancing 
your pleasure, 


158 PENTHOUSECON 


pleasurableto awoman. 


If you're huge, try | 


side-lying sex.... A curved | 


penis might be more 


SMALL PENIS (LESS THAN 
THREE INCHES ERECT) 
Doggie-styleis best for maximizing 
her pleasure. Aim to hit her frontal 
vaginal wall to stimulate her G spot. 
She can help you vary the angle of 
penetration and friction by arching 
her back, leaning forward, or 
squeezing herthighs together. 

The downw 


rd-doggie variation 


nvolves her lying facedown w 
herlegs open. Youlie facedown on 
top of her, propping yourself up 
with your armsforagreaterrange of 
motion. This position allows forlots 
of penetration and friction for both of 
you, and she can stimulate her clitoris 
against the bed, 

if you're really small, you're a prime 
candidate for anal intercourse, and 
she is much more likely to agree to PHOTOGRAPHS BY (LEFT TO RIT) LESTER 


IEEROWTERE TI MAGES KLAUS AREAS) 
VET MAGES KEVIN SUMEN оаа 


deep-throat you—yes, being small 
does have its advantages! 

SLIM PENIS 

ff your penis is very thin, you may not 
feel sufficient stimulation, particularly 
women who have given birth 

art 
having sexinthe missionary position, 


then raise one of herlegs and move 
It to the side, which will make her 
tighter. If she crosses her ankles while 
you're inside her, that will also make 
hertighter. 

Or lleon your back and have her sit 
on you backward so that herlegs are 
stretched forward and crossed over 
yourlegs. You can manipulate her 
motion by grabbing her hips while 
she uses her hands to support herself. 
You also should try thrusting ina 
circular motionto make sure you're 
hitting all the right spots inside her. 


CURVED PENIS 
While many men are upset or embar- 
rassed by a curve intheir penis, a 
curved penis can actually bemore 
pleasurable to a woman thana 
stralght one would be. The curved 
penis can stimulate her G spot, which 
islocated inthe front wall of the 
vagina. |f your penis curves up, you're. 
able to stimulate her Gspot in a mis: 
sionary position without elevating her 
hips. If your curveis very dramatic, or 
if she does notenjoy G-spot stimula 
tion, try raising your buttocks fora 
straighter penetrationangle. 

If you have a downward curve 
to your penis, have herface away 
from you indoggie-style or reverse- 
cowgirl position. Similarly, if your 
penis bends to the side, try side-lying 
positions until you find the angle that 
works for both of you. 


Desperate Husband 
My wife is a successful professional 
anda wonderful mother to our two. 
kids, and she also loves to cook 

and keep our house in immaculate 
condition. All of this is great, but she 
seldom has any time for sex during 
the day, and at night she is always 
exhausted. How сап! get her to be 
more interested in sex when we both. 
finally hit the sack? 


Many guys mistakenly think that 
women are just like men, le, that they 
can work all day, watch a ball game, 
down asix-pack, and then be ready 
for intercourse as soonas the lights 
go off, However, unlike the male sex 
drive, which is spontaneous, female 
desire is more receptive in nature- 
which means it requires some 
priming. Get her in the mood for sex 
by keeping it in her mind throughout 
theday:Leaveher sexy voice 
messages and e-mails, whisper sweet 
nothings in her ear, and hug and kiss 
her whenever you get a chance. A 

little kiss onthe back of her neck 
while she is stirring the soup may 
keep her stirred up until bedtime! 

Besuretotell her how sexy 
she looks and what you would 
like to do to her—using your own 
private slang if the kids are around. 
Talking about sex while you'rein 
thekitchenor dining room is like 
having sex in public places—it spices 
up the atmosphere and builds her 
anticipation. 

if you sense she is really tired, draw 
her a bubble bath or offer to give her 
amassage before bed. Tell heryou 
wanted to ravish her while she was 
making dinner or vacuuming the 
house but youheld off, knowing that 
she wanted to finish the chore. You 
can even tell her that you got so hard 
while watching her that you couldn’ 
help fondling your dick and thinking 
about making love to her. 

If you aretoo lazy to tend to her 
libido's needs, hirea nanny anda 
housekeeper so your wife can save 
most of her energy for sex! 


What NOT to Ask Dr. 2! 
I've been noticing yellow discharge 
from my penis for the past few weeks. 
Italsohurts when pee. The weird 
thing is that it's been six months since 
| Ihookedup witha girl. What could it 
be, and is it contagious? 


[етте warn all my readers: if there is. 
anything physically wrong with you, 
до notwrite me. Fightthe urge to 
engage indenial and procrastination 
and immediately see your doctor! 

Yoursymptoms sound like you 
might have either chlamydiaor 
gonorrhea, or both (with chlamydia 
being three times more common than 
gonorrhea), Both types of bacteria 
canlie dormantinthe body, which 
would explain your lack of symptoms. 
during the six months since yourlast 
hookup. Both conditions are highly 
contagious—and gonorrhea canbe 
transmitted through oral sex, often 
causing a sore throat. Both conditions 
are diagnosed by collecting culture 
samples (either with a urine test or 
through insertion of a cotton swab 
into the urethra) andare treated with 
antibiotics. 

Although you may cringe at 
the thought of a urologist sticking 
something in your penis, bad things 
will happen if these STDs are left 
untreated. For example, scar tissue 
canform inside the urethra, creating 
obstruction and sometimes scarring 
ofthe testicles, and ultimately infer: 
tility. The consequences of delay 
are not worth risking, so at the first 
sign of unusual discharge or pain 
during urination, see your doctor 
immediately! And, yes, you must 
notify your past sexual partners if you 
are diagnosed withan STD.O-n 


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pulled up her 
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ulled 


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ose from hisdeskand 


the incident, b 


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ү a 


PARTNERS IN CRIME 


Tanya winked and bent 
overthe desk. Jack flipped 
up her skirt and thrust into 
her with long hard strokes. 


140 PENTHOUSECOM 


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mes, telling hershe wasa 
bad girl for stealing, 

The sound o f them 
fucking was incredible. |had to get 
in on the fun before it wasall over. 
unzipped my pants and maneuvered 
my way in front of Tanya. | pulled out 
my cock and Tanyatook me in her. 
ith while Jack held onto her waist 
ntinued pumping her from 
behind, The harder Jack fucked her, 
the deeper Tanya sucked my dick, 
untilshem 


Jack thrusting deep into herand my 
fingers rubbing herclit, Tanya had 
an incredible orgasm, leaning on me 
for support. Then she deep-throated 
me one last time and it was allover as 
erupted, filling her mouth with my 
cream as Jack filled her pussy with his. 
Jackpulled out, leaving a t 
come on Tanya's thighs. He pulled 
some wipes from his desk and handed 
afew to Tanya. Then he handed Tanya 
the cucumber and told us we were 
welcome in the store any time, b 
especially on Saturday nights from 


to two!—H.P, New York 
BI THE WAY 
twas time to party, and | was more 


than ready, | pulled up the white 
thigh-highs and slid my toes into 
silver slingbacks. | threw on a short 
trenchcoatovermy leather skirt 
and shimmery tank top, grabbed my 
bag, and dida quickcheck—lipstick, 
cigarettes, and cash, Yes, | wasready. 

When the cabdriver dropped me 
offatthe club, he asked if | needed 
company, ljust winked and told 
him was looking for some female 
company, His eyes grew wide, buthe 
wore a big grin when he said he would 
swing around in a few hours to see if 
needed a ride home 

After a few drinks and a couple 
of cigarettes, | started chatting up a 
dark-haired Hispanic woman. It didn't 
take long to find out we were bot! 
looking forthe same thing, so we 
didn't waste time conversing. There 
were several comments and sighs as 
we walked past the bar, holding hands 
and swinging our hips, One guy stood 
up and whispered in my ear, "Want 
some company? 

blew hima kissand said, "Maybe 


tomorrow—we'll call you. 
Bianca laughed as she pulled me 
е doorand said, “You're such a 


342 PENTHOUSECOM 


PD 


m» = 


tease" We were both laughing as we 
climbed into the backofthe cab. 
wasn't surprised to see the cabbie 
who'd dropped me off behind the 
wheel. He adjusted the rearview 
vatchus kissing and could 
barely keep his eyes on the road. 
Bianca's lips were soft and gentle, but 
hertongueaggressively explored my 
th. She kissed my neck, stroked 
my breasts, and pinched my nipples. 
slid my hand up her thigh and under 
her skirt, finding her hot and slick. 
‘She pouted when I took away my 
hand, so | whispered that she'd have 
to wait. By the time we pulled up t 
my place, we'd giventhe driver quit 
ashowanda big tip, and he drove off 
quite happy and horny. 

led Bianca to the bedroom and lit 
afewcandles for atmosphere. When 

med around, she was onthe bed 


mirror 


mot 


Justa few hot licks from 
her skillful tongue had me 
onthe verge of coming, 
but she chose to keep me 
teetering onthe edge. 


in herbra and thong, playing with 
hernipples. | took off my skirt, top, 

and shoes, and lay down nexttoher, 
Then | reached over and kissed her 

neck while cupping her breast in my 
hand. Her nipples were hard enough 
to feel throughthe satin, demanding 


attention. | licked them both through 
the fabric, then smiled as Bianca 
moaned and slid under me. 


We kissed long and slow, peeling 
off bras, stockings, and thongs, sliding 
around and continuing to lick and 
suck each other's skin as we moved, 
kissed down her belly to her mound 
and stroked her thighs. Herhipscame 
upto meet my mouth and the heat of 
her pussy was against my tongue. She 
wassmooth, sweet, and soft, 

When | slid two fingersinto her, 
she rode along with the slow rhythm 
of my hand and lips. My nipples 
rubbed against the sheets and my 
pussy throbbed to the same beat, 
Suddenly, Bianca arched her back, 
pulled on her nipples, and exploded 
, rocking her hips and 


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moaning as her tremors subsided. 

couldn't wait for her to dome, Пау 
down beside her, closed my eyes, and. 
окей my pussy But when 
my eyes, | saw my boyfriend 
just outside the doorway, stroking 
his cock. Atfirst, | wanted to g 
and shut the door, but then 
What better way for him to learn t 


ke variety 

"Itlooks like we have company, 
said to Bianca, but [knew John was 
close enough to hearme 

John quickly turned toleave, but 
we invited him to join us. He looked 
uncertain abouthis role-until Bianca 
called him overand took his cock in 
her mouth, When he was good and 
hard, she rolled over and lowered 
hermouthtomy pussy. Justa few 
hot licks from her skillful tongue had 
me on the verge of coming, but she 
chose to keep me teetering onthe 
edge- licking briefly before pulling 
away then licking me again. Finally, 
she placed herlips on me, moving 
hertongue overmy swollenclit,| was 
almost there when she stopped again, 
thistimetorub hernipplesagains 
my slituntil they were slick with my 
wetness, Then she moved over me 
and stuck one nipple in my mouth for 
me tosuck on while she pinched mine. 

was going crazy. 

After a minute, she slid back down 
my body, slipping her tongue over my 
pierced nipples, nibbling and pulling 
at the barbells, She teased her way 
back down tomy pussy. Her ass was 
in theair and suddenly ifelta strong 
push and her hot breath poured over 
my clit. John was fucking her from 
behind, The pace quickened and 
arched up to meet her mouthagain 
and again. We performed together 
likea well-rehearsed trio until 
Bianca'smouth never left my pussy 
and | couldn't stop coming. John 
groaned loudly as he exploded while 
Bianca cried out and shuddered with 
herownorgasm, 

Bianca kissed me, then re 
over and enveloped John in a long, 
slow kiss. Together we cleaned off 
John's cock. | crawled up, brushing my 
nipples against his chest and slowly 
rubbing my pussy over hisspen: 
whispered in his ear, "Nex 
my turn. 

Bianca heard me and let outa sexy 
laugh, then whispered, " hope l'm 
invited, too,"—S.L, Maine 


me 


ached 


k 


ime, it's 


ма BENTHOUSECOM 


TIME WELLSPENT 

ve been married fora few years 

and have always takena pass on any 
opportunity to have sex with another 
woman, until my wife and began 
having maritalproblems. After we 
/o-week time-out, 


agreedtotakea 
chosetostay at my friend Tommy's 
beach house. Another friend of his 
ias staying there, too, but he said 
wouldn't be a problem and we 
wouldn't see much of eachother. 
arrived late inthe afternoon, 
dropped my bags, and headed to the 
еск. | took one look atthe gorgeous 
woman sunbathing inthe nude and 


said to myself, "Oh, fuck me!" My 
welcome comm: vent by the 
name of Sal. She wastanned, shapely, 
and very friendly. The firstthing Sal 
did was offer me a beer fromthe 
cooler. Never had | needed a drink 

so badly. How was | going to work 
out any issues with Salaround?! was 
married 


thatSal continued to sunbathe 
naked withoutgiving mea second 
thought. Shetold meto make myself 
comfortable, and asked if | was 
hungry. Hungry? Well, | was, but not in 


Пау down next to her, 
cupped her breasts, and 
slid oneleg between hers, 


feeling her wet heat. 


the way she meant, Thank God | was 

fearing sunglasses;| couldn'ttake 
my eyes off her, My wife is gorgeous, 
butbeing in asecluded place with a 
strange but beautiful naked woman 
wasa first. |f she planned to walk 
around nude the entire time, I'd be. 
throwing wood 24/7, 

Sal had bought a couple of pizzas 
when she heard | was coming, She was 
really sweet and sexy, and | couldn't 
help but wonder if she was coming on 
to me. | also wondered if Tommy had 
set the whole thing up. It was the kind 
of prank he'd play. 

When the sun began to set, Sal 
grabbed hertoweland went inside to 
heat up the pizza. | followed behind 
with the cooler 

We ate pizza and drank beerand 
she told me all about herself, although 
hadn'tasked. Then she said Tommy 
told her why he'd offered me the 
place, and she said she also was on 
a "relationship break,” but would 
be leaving in the morning. Then she 
grabbed another beerand headed 
upstairs to the bedroom, but not 
before smiling and telling meto come 
up later ifl wanted to talk. 

drank another beer and thought 
about talking with Sal. After getting 
my courage up—my dick was already 
up—I climbed the stairs and knocked 


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softly onher door. Hearinga soft 
moan, | considered that permission 
enough nd her on 
bed with her long hair spread on the 
pillows, the outline of her body visible 
throughthe thin sheet. asked herif 
she still wanted to talk and she gave 
mean inviting smile and patted the 
narrow spacenextto her. While 
pulled my clothes off, Sal pulled back 
the sheet. | lay down nextto her and 
covered her lips with mine, cupped 
herbreasts,andslid one leg b 
hers, feeling her wet heat on my thigh 

Our fondling, humping, and kissing 
Intensified when Sal reached between 
our squirming bodies and held my 
stiff cock, Her nd 
deliberate, lubricated by pre-come 
Sal begged me tofuck her. moved 
on top of her and slid between her 
lusciouslegs. Atfirst |justteased her 
withthe head of my cock, probing 
gently at the opening of her pussy. 
Eachtime | probed, she'd thrust 
herhipsup so | could bury more of 
myselfinsideher, and each time she 
moved toward me, Iteased her by 
pulling back, When she pleaded 
with meto give tall to her, took the 
plunge and gave her every Inchof 
my dick, We went at eachother like 
animals until we were both covered 
in sweat, Suddenly, | felt her pussy 
tighten around my cock and | losti 
Аз my strokes slowed and deepened, 
shot into her pussy, and Sal held on 
through her own orgasm. 

We both lal 
out of breath, still tingling from our 
vigorous coupling. Once she was 
sound asleep witha peacefulsmile 
on her lips, slipped away to the other 
bedroom and fell into a deep sleep 
When | awoke the next morning, Sa 
wasgone and | was torn between 
feeling relieved and alittle guilty. 
still had to make a decision about my 
marriage, butl'd just gotten ataste 
of what'd been missing. Now | really 
had something to think abot 

ania 


I| wan 


ееп 


trokes were firm а 


ere, exhausted and 


Pennsy 


HOMELAND HONEYS 

have become good friends with 
a woman from work since boti 
our husbands were deployed to 

the Middle East. Lisa and | have 

other things in common and began 
spending alot of time together 

after work. We always ended up 
abouthow horny we are, 


complainin 


how often we masturbate, and what 


new toys and DVDs we had picked up. 


at our favorite sex shop 


(One Friday evening, while w 


were 
out having drinks, Lisa asked me i£ I'd 


кеј 


rack of how many times she and 


had beenhit on that night. I'd lost 
count, but | told her 
sing to get busy with my dildo when 
got home. When she asked 
tired of getting off by myself. | said 


в definitely 


was 


yes thinking she was going tosuggest 


we hook up with some guys fromthe 
bar. Thatthoughthad crossed my 
mind, but as homy as | was, a one: 


night stand wouldn't really doit for 
ested Imig 
as fucking me 


me. Instead, she su 


enjoy it more if she 


with one of my toys. | didn't know why 


hadn't thought of it myself. Getting 


together with Lisa was an excellent 


idea and! couldn't wait to get her 


backto my place. 


She asked if she could 


taste me. | was surprised, 
buteven more surprised at 
how quickly | consented. 


IBERATOR 


My pussy was already wet when 
Lisa and | undressed in my bedroom. 
kin her beautiful body forthe 
firsttime. Then, handing her my 
favorite dildo, | got on all fours, more 
than ready for Lisa to fuck me in 

my preferred position, But Lisa had 
other plans, She knelt behind me and 
asked if she could taste me first, | was 
surprised, but even more surprised at 
how quickly | consented, 

My body trembled as Lisa parted 
my labia and gently used her tongue 
to explore my pussy. "Oh! That feels 
so good!" | moaned, pushing back 
against Lisa's mouth. | was hot—really 
hot! [rolled onto my back and Lisa 
spread my legs open and buried her. 
tongue deep inside my quivering hole, 
Then she began to tongue-fuck 
me and suck on my clit, sending me 
intoatizzy. 


‘One word," Lisa sighedasshe 
raised her head, "Mmm. 
quickly turned over and Lisa. 
buried the seven-inch dildo in my 
pussy from behind, giving me one 
of the best fucks of my life. It was 
incredible and definitely more 
erotic and satisfying forme than 


a 
] Garden 


PENTHOUSECOM 147 


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masturbating alone. | could have 
stayed there forever letting Lisa have 
her way with me, but! was eager to 
returnthe favor. 

After changing places with Lisa, | 
dove into her snatch. | took my time 
enjoying her sweet taste and making 
her come before thrusting the dildo 
inside her pussy and fucking herto 
yet another orgasm. Lisa took a few 
moments to catch her breath, then 
raised her legs and begged meto 
fuck her ass withthe dildo. | grabbed 
the lube and spread some onto the 
dildo and Lisa's asshole before gently 
feeding the entire length into her. 

"That'sit, Wendy! Harder! Harder!" 
she screamed, 

I gave her what she wanted and, as 
anadded thrill, | pushed three fingers 
inside her pussy and began thrusting 
them inand out while still reaming 
her asswith the dildo. Suddenly, Lisa 
grabbed my hand and held my fingers 
Inside her as herbody tensed and she 
cried out incoherently. 

That amazing night was the first 
of тапу. Now, while we're still waiting 
anxiously forour men to return home, 
we're having a great time satisfying. 
eachother.— WJ, Minnesota 


Certification: The records, if 
any, relating to any images in 
this periodical requiredto be 
maintained by 18 U.S.C. 8 2257 
and28C.F.R. § 75 are located 
atthe office ofthe producer, 
2Penn Plaza, Eleventh Floor, 
Suite 1125, New YorkNY 10121, 
M.Rothenberg, custodian 

of records. Date of publication: 
July15,2008 


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