THE HEAT IS ON" SUMMER'S SULTRIEST STARS
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june2010 [contents]
Petof
the Month
Eva Angelina
page64
Czech Mate
Tarra White
Sitting Pretty
Petofthe Month
Eva Angelina
Let's Mess With Texas
Alexis Texas
Girls' Night In
Ashlyn & Rhianna
Falling for Grace
Misha Grace
Revealing
Entertainment
TV
Forget reruns! Check out
thesereturning cable series.
Flicks
Summer'scoolest, most
essential, mostunusual
films.
DVDs
YouReally Got Me: The
Storyofthe Kinks, True
Blood, and more
Sounds
Stone Temple Pilots are
back
Alpha Protocol and Los:
Planet 2.
Reads
Street Bonersand more.
The Goods
This must-have gear will
improve cycling speed and
comfort.
Driving Force
Maserati's GranTurismo
Coupe.
Freewheelin’
Honda's VFRI200F.
Tech
Great new toys that will
make you feel like a spoiled-
rotten kid
Scoundrel
How to vacation without
your girlfriend—and
without a fight.
The Pour House
Who knew? China's а place
where a drunk could feel
right at home.
[contents] june 200
With All Disrespect
Stephen Colbert, Judd
Apatow, Vernon Chatman,
and John Lee are today's
ribald revolutionaries. By
Paul Provenza
Summer Sizzle
These starlets will ensure
thatit's plenty hotatthe
local multiplex. By Rebecca
Swanner
Stand-Up Guys
Marc Maron poses the
central question of our age.
By John Bolster
2010 World Cup
Penthouse previews the
world's biggest sports
event, and our very own
World Cup of Hotties.
By John Bolster
Too Close for
Comfort
Can Artie Lange return from
the brink? By Jessica Pilot
Sex Ed.
Get her into phone sex, and
other relationship advice.
By Martin Downs, M.PH
and Victoria Zdrok, Ph.D.
Bedtime Stories
"Vegging," erotic fiction by
K.D.Grace
Parting Shot
Past Perfect: Anappre-
ciation of Diahann Carroll
2 PENTHOUSE.COM
Forum
Peep Show
Pet Projects
X-Rated Video
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AjaniSni2x3 aiqninaw
fter picking up a nonfat
latte and walking the
two blocks to get my
usual mani/pedi, | was
crushed to find the salon
closed for renovation. stood there
with my nose pressed against the
glass, wondering what to do. As far
as | could figure, | had two choices:
go home and sulk, or take a chance
and head to Lola's, a new salon that
had opened around the corner. I'm
all for loyalty, but | wasn't about to
deprive myself of some well-deserved
pampering after a long week
The few times I'd passed Lola's
windows, I'd admired the upscale-
looking waiting area with the flat-
screen TV, All of the appointments
4 PENTHOUSE.COM
[penthouseforum]
were handled in the back for the cus-
tomers’ privacy. When crossed the
threshold, | was greeted by a stunning
woman who turned out to be Lola.
Thankfully, she accepted walk-ins, and
while she entered my personal info
into the computer | couldn't help but
admire her natural beauty. She wore
very little makeup and had flawless
skin. She told me that as a first-time
customer, was eligible for the special,
which includeda free massage. The
freebie sealed the deal.
Lola said the manicurist had called
| ised mv h DS to
make it easier for Lola
to get my panties off,
secretly hoping she
would get те off next.
in sick, but that she'd do me herself
since she had no other appointments
scheduled. When she said that, | had a
quick mental snapshot of lovely Lola
doing me—as in, down on her knees in
front of me with her tongue tunneling
into my snatch, Not that I'd ever done
anything like that before, but I'd
often thought that if the opportunity
presented itself, I'd go for it.
Lola offered mea glass of wine
before starting my manicure, She not
only gave my handsa very sensuous
massage, but she made sure it
extended up my forearms, sending
tingles throughout my body. She
really knew what she was doing.
The pedicure was no less thorough.
Lola massaged my feet and calves,
but she didn't stop there—her skillful
hands continued to move upward,
working the muscles in my thighs,
making me wish she'd rub my pussy.
| couldn't believe the way my body
was reacting to her ministrations and
wasn't sure l'd survive a full-body
massage from this sexy woman. My
panties were wet, and | was sure
she could see up my skirt from her
vantage point.
Het my head loll back and closed
my eyes as | relaxed and enjoyed the
extra-special pampering Lola was
doling out. It felt so good I'm sure |
moaned out loud, Бий! can't be cer-
tain. | do know that when she pulled
myhipstothe edge of the seat and
reached under my skirt to pull down
my panties, | gripped the arms of the
chair and raised my hips to make it
easier for herto get them off, secretly
hoping she'd get me off next, | was
so horny | would have fucked the first
cock in sight.
heard movement and opened
my eyes. Lola had scooted forward
tosit on the edge of the tub between
my legs. With her eyes locked on
mine, Lola slowly leaned forward and
spread my lips with her fingers, Then
she brought her mouth to my pussy
and proceeded to suck me off like no
man had ever done. Her fingers found
their way inside me and curled up to
press directly on my G spot, while
hertongue vibrated against my clit.
"Forum" letters should carry name and address,
though these and other identifying characteris-
tics will be changed for publication purposes.
All letters become the property of Penthouse.
Send letters to ForumSubmission@ffn.comor
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[penthouseforum]
Normally, when a guy goes down on
me, И takes a while for me to reach
the peak of ecstasy Lola took me to in
just minutes. She had me panting and
gushing and making a total mess of
the seat, but if she didn't care, neither
did. What Lola could do with her
fingers, lips, and tongue should have
been illegal. She'd made me feel so
good that all | wanted was more. Just
as| was berating myself for being
such a slut, Lola stood and gave mea
soft, lingering kiss with lots of tongue.
Then she stepped out of the tub and
helped meup.
"So, Cassie... аге you ready for
your massage now?" she asked with a
wicked smile.
“| can hardly wait," | said. “I've no
doubt I'll bein good hands." Апа!
was. But that'll have to wait for my
next letter. In the meantime, | will tell
you that | never went back to my old
salon.—C.M., Washington, D.C.
IINO-STRINGSFLING
Iwas happy to see Maria at the retire-
ment party for one of our coworkers.
Socializing was something she had
rarely done until her divorce seven
months earlier, and it was niceto see
her smiling and laughing. During the
evening, overheard her telling one
ofthe girlsthat she neededto get
laid, but she wasn't ready yet for an
exclusive relationship—that what
shereally needed was a good man
fora one-night stand. immediately
thought that | would love to be
that man. l'm 26, and even though
Maria has about 20 years on me, it's
impossible not to be attracted to her.
She's beautiful and has a stunning
hourglass figure, with big, firm tits and
aperfectly shaped ass.
As the evening progressed, Maria
stayed оп my mind, and | was re-
minded of the saying, Nothing ven-
tured, nothing gained. l'd seen Maria
arrive ina taxi, so as the party started
to wind down, | offered her a lift home,
and she gladly accepted.
In the car, | told her I'd overheard
her conversation about wanting a
good man—no strings attached—
and asked if! could help her out.
“Chris, are you saying you want to
fuck me?" Maria asked excitedly.
| told Maria | was at her service,
but got worried when she didn't say
anything. Then she reached under her
skirt and guided my hand inside her
6 PENTHOUSE.COM
panties to her smooth, wet cunt.
“I think we'll get along fine, as long
as you like to eat pussy,” Maria said.
Pussy hound that lam, that was all |
needed to hear. | stepped on the gas
and sped to her apartment.
Maria led me straight to her bed-
room, where we undressed. While
Maria was delighted to see my fully
erect cock, | was justas happy to
finally get my mitts on her gorgeous
tits. As soon as we lay down on the
bed, | went to work squeezing and
sucking her large, dark-brown nipples.
"Oh, yes! Yes!" Maria cried, her
body shaking as | kissed my way
down herlegs and buried my face in
her cunt. I've never eaten a woman's
pussy for as long as | ate Maria's, nor
have been with а girl who loved
being eaten out as much as Maria did.
Later I found out that her ex had rarely
gone down on her. When Maria held
me tight and cried out for me to make
her come, pressed three fingers into
her juicy snatch and sucked hard
on her clit. Maria must have loved it,
because she screamed and released a
big load of warm happy juice onto my
Maria lowered her wet
twat to my mouth. It
wasn't long before she
came all over my face.
fingers and hand.
“Make me come again, Chris,” she
begged, as she pushed me onto my
back and straddled my face. Then she
lowered her wet twatto my mouth
for some more tongue action. She
moanedas she ground her pussy
against my mouth, and I shoved my
tongue as far into her as | could. She
tasted so sweet and couldn't get
enough, but it wasn't long before she
let outacry and came all over my face.
Still ready for more lovin', Maria guided
my cock into her sodden fuck hole
androde me hard and wild until she
reached yet another big orgasm at the
same moment! was reaching mine,
I don't know if orgasming comes
easily to her, or if it was because it was
something she had been denied for so
long, but whatever the reason, Maria
had many more orgasms that night
Afterward, we showered and Maria
told me that she had a lot of catching
up to do. Then | was back in the bed-
room, sucking and fucking this beauti-
ful woman late into the night and
throughout the weekend. Apparently,
Maria still hasn't caught up, because
it's been more than three months now
and I'm still enjoying this incredible
piece of ass.—C.M, Minnesota
More letters on page 132
Executive Editor
Deputy Editor
Managing Editor
Features Editor
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Contributing Editors
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PETERBLOCH
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ART.
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YOU KNOW GOOD HEAD WHEN YOU SEE IT.
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score FUNFrontal =
Men on Fire
Overthe past several years, cable опенок paveiumodt cional TV off-seasoninto their peak ||
season, with great success. These stereotypical heroesand sidekicks,
instead giving: ussomeofthe ee ч езен se of the firefighter drama Rescue Me,
number-one asshole Denis Learyis literally the star ofthe show. But really, who needs
acop who can crack every case just by looking at footprints and carpet fibers when you cantellthetale of an
A-list actor fucking his Ol Hollywood, or ofa spy trying to ferret out the deeply
iof how he got royally screwed out of a job, or feature the most annoying robot ever?
bw
IMLUSTRATIONBY COULASH LOURDES
) promised
big future.
EVVO
When your favorite shows sign off for the summer,
check out the offerings higher up on your
programming guide. Cable's returning series just
might curethose reality-show/rerun blues.
By Julie Foster
12 PENTHOUSE.
Whatit's About: Movie star Vincent Chase (Adrian Grenier)
parties to the top of the A-list, aided by his sharklike agent
and posse of buddies.
Why You Should Watch: This never-call-it-a-bromance
comedy is packed with celebrity guests (often parodying
themselves hilariously), as well as hot (and frequently
topless or nude) starlets.
Where They Left Us: Ari (Jeremy Piven) took over his ex-
rival's agency, firing his enemies with the aid of a paintball
gun; the gang headed to Rome with Vince for his new movie,
leaving behind a newly engaged E (Kevin Connolly).
What It's About: A town
populated by geniuses
plays mad scientist for
the government; the
average-Joe sheriff, Jack
Carter (Colin Ferguson)
saves the day when
weird science goes awry.
Why You Should Watch:
A clever premise, wacki-
ness ensuing frequently,
anda promise that the
upcoming season will
turn things upside down,
andleave them that way.
Where They Left Us:
Jack's daughter (Jordan
Hinson) got into Harvard
ayear early; Tess (Jaime
Ray Newman) tooka
new job in Australia
andinvited Jack to go
with her.
What it's About: A pizza-
delivery boy is cryogenically
frozen and wakes up in
thirty-first-century New
York City. The show was
canceled by Fox in 2003,
but kept alive with four 5
straight-to-DVD films. Now |
it's back with 26 new
episodes.
Why You Should Watch: The £
same off-color humor and
high-quality satire of The
Simpsons fuels this other
animated adventure from
Matt Groening.
Where They Left Us: Inthe
last film, 2009's Into the
Wild Green Yonder, the
gang saved the universe
from ancient dark forces.
The Planet Express Ship
headed into a wormhole as
Fry (Billy West) and Leela
(Katey Sagal) had their
romantic big-kiss finale.
HUNG
"Bo
Whatit's About: After a fire destroys his house, strapped-
for-cash high school teacher/basketball coach Ray Drecker
(Thomas Jane) uses his Boogie Nights-size cock in a moon-
lighting gig as a male prostitute to supplement his income.
Why You Should Watch: The gigolo premise provides plenty
of humor—especially amusing since it involves our favorite
Punisher—and this ballsy comedy is packing.
Where They Left Us: Ray proposed expanding his deal with
his pimp to include a third party, creating a sticky wicket for
the Jealous Tanya (Jane Adams). Ray was shocked when his
new client turned out to be his ex-wife (Anne Heche).
RAPHS B:
COURTESY EVE
ото!
MAD МЕМ
АМС
What It’s About:
Ina swanky 1960s
Manhattan ad agency,
booze flows as freely
as creativity; woman-
izing ad exec Don
Draper (Jon Hamm)
dazzles clients, but
falters in his home life.
Why You Should
Watch: Sexy stars;
sizzling drama; cool
retro style
Where They Left U
Aftertheagency was
sold again, the part-
ners (Hamm and John
anewagency with
the help of Joan
(Christina Hendricks),
Peggy (Elisabeth
Moss), Pete (Vincent
Kartheiser), and Harry
(Rich Sommer). Betty
Draper (January
Jones) flew out to
Renoto speed along
Slattery) grabbed their
files and ran, launching
RESCUE МЕ WAREHOUSE 13
Ех svev
What It's About: New York What It's About: Secret
City firefighters tackle Serviceagents track down
personalandprofessional | supernatural objects fora
challenges in a post-9/11 Raiders of the Lost Ark-style
world. It ain't pretty. top-secret government
Why You Should Watch: warehouse.
Emmy-nominatedwriting Why You Should Watch: It's
and star/writer/creator X-Files meets Indiana Jones,
Denis Leary. Plus, the series | withgeekhumoranda
is starting its final seasons, | potential romance toenter-
with the finale planned for | tain your girlfriend.
the tenth anniversary of 9/11. | Where They Left U
ete
Where They Left Us:Teddy | (Eddie McClintock) and
(Lenny Clarke) blamed Myka (Joanne Kelly) were
Tommy (Leary) for Ellie's trapped in the warehouse
(Patti D'Arbanville) fatal car | afteraformeragent
crash, shooting Tommy and | destroyed their only exit;
threatening anyone who Artie (Saul Rubinek) was
tried to get help. caughtin the explosion.
a
4
WHITE COLLAR
USA
What It’s About: Smooth-talking
con man Neal Caffrey (Matt Bomer)
goes turncoat on other white-collar
criminals, pairing up with an FBI agent
(Tim DeKay) so he can find his ex
Why You Should Watch: Sharp,
witty writing with snappy dialogue;
charismatic stars; it's a clever crime-
fighting drama
Where They Left Us: Neal stole the
music box that everyone's been
hunting and traded it fora new
beginning with Kate, only to watch,
horrified, as her plane exploded OR
13
Blockbusters
The coolest, most essential, most unusual flicks of the season.
Summeris traditionally the time for big, empty popcorn movies, but the season
has been known to deliver more subtle, even unusual, pleasures—and this
year there's a bumper crop of them. Here, in chronological order as of pre:
time, are the top-ten flicks to see this summer, or risk having nothing to
say when that curvy new receptionist brings them upat the water cooler.
Dinner for Schmucks.
Adrien Brody will try his hand as an
action star later this summer in
Predators, but first he'll take time out
for this piece of genuine weirdness:
ascience-run-amok thriller that
costars Sarah Polley and one seriously
frightening genetic creation. This
flick could give The Fly director David
Cronenberg the creeps. (June 4)
Critics at Sundance were blown away
by this minutely observed slice of rural
Ozark life, starring Jennifer Lawrence
(ina career-making performance)
as a teenager who treks into the wild
to find her meth-dealing absentee
father. It's a hillbilly adventure that will
linger in the mind long after the big-
budget dreck fades. (June 11)
Between Michael Clayton and her
unhinged performance in Julia (worth
arental), Oscar-winner Tilda Swinton
has proved she can do anything. So
how about getting frequently naked in
ariveting Italian sex drama? (June18)
1Атһоуе
ITHOUSE.COM
Every once ina while, some tragically
indie director will grow up and deliver
an unpretentious, engrossing film
worth your time (not to mention your
money). Austin's filmmaking brothers
Mark and Jay Duplass arrive with
this discomfiting domestic drama
abouta divorcé (John C. Reilly), his
hot new lover (Marisa Tomei), and her
paranoid adul n (Jonah Hill), who
wantsto see his mother's relationship
fail. July 9)
Curiosity has been sufficiently stoked
for this supersecret project—director
Christopher Nolan spent all his
political capital from The Dark Knight
to getit made exactly his way. It stars
Leonardo DiCaprio and Ellen Page;
at stake, evidently, is the fate of the
planet. (July 16)
Said schmucks include Steve Carell
and Zach Galifianakis as unknowing
dupes invited toa swanky party where
the most embarrassing guest wins
his corporate host a secret prize. Ah,
the mean games businessmen play.
Imagine The Office witha big dollop
of Glengarry Glen Ross. (July 23)
You could argue that no author,
living or dead, has produced a cooler
filmography than the late science-
fiction writer Philip K. Dick (Blade
Runner, Total Recall, A Scanner
Darkly). The latest Dick adaptation, a
paranoid mystery, stars Matt Damon
asarising politician who starts to
question reality after meeting Emily
Blunt's alluring ballerina. (July 30)
It's not too early to start talking 2011
Oscar race—and this character study
has the great wild man of American
cinema, Robert Duvall, grabbing the
baton and running with it. He plays
ahairy hermit named Felix Bush—a
moonshine-swilling backwoods
Tennessean who emerges to plan his
own funeral. The story comes from
real life; Bill Murray and Si
also star. (July 30)
y Spacek
As muchas we dug /nglourious
Basterds, it could have used,
to paraphrase Elvis, a little less
conversation and alittle more action.
So here'sthe movie to satisfy that
yearning, starring our 2009 Bada:
Cast of the Year from last year's
annual Badass Issue. Director,
Sylvester Stallon
anaction-hero dream team: Arnold,
Dolph Lundgren, Jet Li, Jason
Statham—the list goes on. The re
mayhem just the way you remember
it; juicy, thick, and medium-rare.
(August13)
has assembled
Muchas Das Boot created a powerful
claustrophobia within the confines
ofa single German submarine, this
ingenious war drama, a film festival
favorite, gets the maximum impact by
sealing us inside a single Israeli tank
that's trundling across the border into
the war zone, (August 13)
The Expendables
ultis
A big-screen version of this ridiculous—and
sometimes ridiculously entertaining—eight-
les TV series has been gestating for more
than a decade now, with uncertain actors
lobbing it around like a live hand grenade.
Hollywood may have ended up with the ideal
squad—anda smart, indie director, Smokin’
Aces’ Joe Carnahan, tolead the charge.
Resurrecting B. A. Baracus—made iconic by
Mr.T back in the day—is UFC fighter Jackson,
who has а chance to make a huge impression
on viewers who don't know him. And check
out the rest of these soldiers of fortune:
Neeson as John "Hannibal" Smith, District
9's bug-eyed Sharlto Copley as "Howling
Mad" Murdock, and The Hangover's Cooper
as wisecracking Templeton "Faceman" Peck.
Last and the polar opposite of least is the
curvaceous Biel, who joined the project late
and will play captain Charisa Sosa. Studio
execs may be loving it when this plan—and
its A-list cast—comes together.
Give British funnyman Brand
credit: In Forgetting Sarah
Marshall, amovie that
featured both Mila Kunis and
Kristen Bell ina variety of
bikinis, he managed to make
Why remake a movie that is
so beloved, there's really
nowhere to go with it but
down? И anyone in Holly-
wood has an answer, we're
all ears. But we'll probably
see it anyway, just to watch
our childhood memories get
acrane kick to the teeth. Will
ariotous impression as
libidinous rock star Aldous
Snow. The character now
gets asemi-sequel, with Hill
playing arecord-company
assistant responsible for
transporting Snow from
London to an important gig
If the Megan Fox Moment is
not over yet, it's getting
close. But who knows?
Maybe Fox's top billing here,
asa gun-toting prostitute,
will prolong her time in the
sun. Hexis an action flick
based ona DC Comics series
atthe Greek Theater in Los
Smith's son takes on the
Ralph Macchio role, while
Chan steps in to Pat Morita's
considerable kung-fu slip-
pers. The action is relocated
to Beijing, and the “wax on,
wax off" lesson has been
tweaked to "jacket on, jacket
off.” Chan, who himself sub-
mitted to rigorous training
intheawesome Drunken
Master films, will train the
young Smith for his show-
down with local bullies amid
glorious Chinese settings.
Angeles. We've gota good
feeling about Brand's
unhinged persona blowing
up huge this time, and the
movie is loaded with cameos
from real-life music-biz
figures, inclu
that only geeks know about.
The title character will be
played by No Country for
Old Men's Brolin, and
director Jimmy Hayward—
despite his background in
children's films (he directed
Horton Hears a Who) —will
not stint on the gunplay. The
undeadare also involved. If
nonstop violence bores you,
there's always a manic
Malkovich as the villain, and
ascore by Mastodon that's
sure to rattle teeth Oa
а Brand's
fiancée, Katy Perry.
TALES
The band that brought us “A Well Respected Man,” “Lola,” “You
Really Got Me," and about a million other classic tunes just can't
getnorespect, asa new DVD illustrate:
By Nanette Varian
You Really Got Me: The Story of the Kinks
This film (not to be confused with
the 2008 three-disc set The Kinks.
You Really Got Me: The Inside Story
With Dave Davies) tries gamely to
tell the sloppy, drunken, brawling,
brilliant story of one of the British
Invasion's most enduring legends—a
tale of brotherly feuds (between lead
singer/songwriter Ray Davies and
lead guitarist Dave), epic mis!
(literally banned from the States
during what should have been tt
peak earning years
that is still being felt 14 years after
their last concert—but it’s a pastiche
of clips that's often confusingly
ordered and edited. Still, within that
collection of clips there are some
gems showcasing the band’s myriad
styles (think Spiñal Tap with much
better music), and the sight of a feral
teenage Dave growling through the
band's early blues covers while Ray's
showboaty charisma starts flicking
fortune
andinfluence
16 PENTHOUS!
more waysthan one.
its defia
price of admission.
Several former band members
have been performing boozy U.K.
pub gigsas the Kast Off Kinks;
sometimes Ray even joins them for
anumber or two, fueling rumors
ofa reunion. We're not holding
our breath. But maybe someone
will atleast cough up the kind of
high-quality, comprehensive DVD
treatment thes:
guys deserve.
Anybody know
if Rick and Ken
Burns are Kinks
fans? Oh, wait
They don't
seem to want
to collaborate
anymore, either.
tly loose wrists is worth t
Unrivaled
Circle of Pain
Mixed martialarts hits the
home-theater fiction depart-
ment, brought to youby
equipment supplier TapouT.
Unrivaled stars Rashad
Sugar" Evans, Nate "the
Great" Marquardt, Forrest
Griffin, and Keith "the Dean
of Mean” Jardine; Kimbo
Slice is the Circle headliner,
with Heath Herring, Frank
Mir, and Roger Huerta. Fight-
ing movies are nothing new,
of course, and they share а
unique quality with porn: The
plotis inconsequential filler
between action sequences.
These fighters do bring a
certain verisimilitude to their
roles, though, and the films
themselves will work ade-
quately to tide you over
between this month's UFC
114 (with Evans) and 115.—
Barbara Rice Thompson
True Blood: The Complete
Second Season
The town of Bon Temps is
under the spell of a myste-
riously feral femme (Michelle
Forbes) who throws drug-
and drink-fueled orgies—we
like her. There's also a hot
blonde shape-shifter in town
(played by Ashley Jones, a
pig, anda deer), which leads
tointerspecies lovin’ with a
canine barkeep (who is also
sometimes an owl, bull, and
evena fly). That's sexier нап
itsounds, but we're still glad
when the focusis on the
vampires, especially gor-
geous redheads Deborah Ann
Wolland Evan Rachel Wood.
Extras include features on
theanti-vamp church and
a vampire news program.
The Blu-ray discs offer a
picture-in-picture feature
that provides background on
characters, news reports, and
public-service statements
from the pro-and anti-vamp
camps. Ithelpsif you gettoo
distracted by the sex and
nudity to pay attention to
details —Christine Colby
HIGH-DEF UPDATE
These great guy-friendly hits arrive on
Blu-ray just intime for Father's Day:
Escape From L.A.
+ Saving Private Ryan
* Caddyshack
Spartacus: 50th Anniversary Edition
Clint Eastwood in The Man With No Name Trilogy
(Above) Escape
From L.A.,
(right)
Saving Private
Ryan
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SOUNDS.
Stone Temple Pilotsmay or may
notbeonamissionfrom
God, but they are getting the
band backtogether—andit
founds Surprisingly good.
ie
“ 2
Thing '
Looking back, Stone Temple Pilots and the 1990s
were never a good fit. Sure, the California quartet
made millions surfing the grunge wave, but their
ambitions (stadiums, stardom) and their appetites
(partying and, uh, more partying) never earned
them respect from their po-faced peers. Now,
after a decade of heroin- and supergroup-related
problems, singer Scott Weiland has reunited with
the songwriting DeLeo brothers and, surprisingly,
the grouping sounds fresher than ever. Stone
Temple Pilots hits the sweet spot between sultry
seventies swagger ("Huckleberry Crumble") and
alt-rock radio gold ("Cinnamon"). It's enough to
bring back flannel.
The Nationalis a Brooklyn band,
but not in the way you might think
They're a bearded,
| erudite, brooding, and
| clever quintet of thirty-
| somethings that makes
{ | gorgeously sad and
compelling urban music
forthe nontattooed
among us—rock fans
who have switched
from beer to whiskey.
| AL
THENATIONAL
High Violet High Violet is the band's
Beggars Banquet third masterpiece in a
хх row, following 2005's
eakthrough A/ligator and 2007's
breathtaking Boxer. On slow-burners
Terrible Love" and "Runaway,
throaty singer Matt Berninger makes
maturity sound as sexy as youth, and
"Conversation 16” is without question
the best love song ever sung from the
perspective of a zombie.
Deftones leader Chino Moreno is
Fora country that's famously polite
a fascinating screamer. For almost and well organized, Canada certainly
two decades, he has been f
onting does produce some sloppy rock
bands. Case in point: Broken Social
Scene, a shambolic indie collective
stitched together with guitar strings
and soaked in Molson beer that
this never-boring quintet the
starte
J out playing heavy metal and
then almost immediately got weird
with it, balancing the concussive
force of Anthrax with the
ЕЕ геату Bere ranges in size from 6 to 19 musicians
‘Diamond Eyes melodicism of mopey British bands Forgiveness Rock Record and often includes Feist and members
Warner Bros like the Curear Smiths. Arts&Crafts of Metric, Stars, and other northern
kkk Diamond Eyes is album number six жж* luminaries. Every few years an album
and the first
Chi Cheng was gravely injure
car crash. On swirling, spiralinc
ments such as “This Place Is De
Moreno transforms
—Cheng remains ho:
ince founding b emerges from this chaos, and Forgive-
ness Rock Record just might be the
best yet—a sprawling, hour-long cycle
of songs ranging from the gloriously
atic ("World Sick") to
into gloriously groovy (“All to All"). Here's
ist policies can
st on record +a
wful event
pitalized:
music thi
something el
living proo
work—at
and comfort
19
20 PENTHOUSE.COM
Michael Thornton is one pissed-off
CIA agent. He's just woken up in a
covert facility full of guys who are
ready to blow his head off, with no
idea who drugged him and brought
him there. Before long, the rookie
agentis informed that he's been
selected for "agent protocol"
status, which allows him to operate
unaffiliated with any government as
heinvestigates why a commercial
airliner was destroyed by a surface-
to-air missile.
In traditional roleplaying-game
fashion, you can customize Thorn-
ton's stats as he gains experience,
but you can't do much in the way of
outward character customization.
Instead, you spend yourtime devel-
oping his personality by choosing
how to interact with other characters.
Learning how bestto treat others
inorderto get what you want is an
integral part of the game, and being
professional and/or aggressive
doesn't always work. Of course,
intimidating your enemies with the
guns you just bought on the black
market never hurts.
There's nothing jaw-droppingly
new here, although the mini-puzzles
for hacking and breaking locks
are fun the first few times. Still,
the combination of third-person
action, some cool sneaky espionage
missions, and a compelling-enough
storyline will keep us playing.
When we left Wayne, he'd just lost his memory (again) after
fighting the Akrids, and he was watching Luka melt the snow
off the planet soit would be habitable. We pick up with him
ten years later, when it's been discovered that, yes, it's theo-
retically possible to live there, but there are new breeds of
Akrid that think Wayne and company will make a tasty snack.
Rocks: Your thermal energy, which you need to stay alive,
only drains when you use a weapon that needs itto function.
You can complete the story alone, online, or in split-screen
co-op. You can customize your character to look like Resi-
dent Evifs Albert Wesker or Gears of War's Marcus Fenix.
Тһеге аге even larger bosses than last time around.
Flops: While we like the episodic structure of the campaign
mode, battling other factions while killing off the Akrid feels
cliché. It was necessary to make cuts to the Xbox version to
fit the content on one disc; all we could confirm is that the
Gearsof Waroption won't be available.
After years of cranking out brilliantly rendered games for the
Project Gotham Racing series, Bizarre Creations is mashing
up the world of arcade racing with Mario Kart, giving us this
weapons-heavy futuristic racer.
Rocks: You can play ona split screen with up to four buddies,
or race against 19 other players in the competitive online
world, Using power-ups to boost your chances of winning
will take you back to the old days of videogaming, inthe
best way possible.
Flops: It could prove to be too similar to Full Auto or Midnight
Club to generate a following.
You don't need to have
played the earlier install-
ments in the series to make
sense of The Forgotten
Sands, but you will get a
richer experience if you
have. This game fills you in
on the seven Persia years
between 2004% The Sands
of Time and 2006's Warrior
Within, and will fill in the
blanks about why Warrior
was so dark by comparison.
For Forgotten Sands, you've
learned how to harness the
power of the elements to
build ice columns out of
water and manipulate your
environment, but you're no
longer practically invincible.
Rocks: Battles start out
extremely easy, so by ће
time you're fighting 50 guys,
you'll welcome the chal-
lenge. We were happy to see
thereturn ofthe game
mechanics of The Sands of
Time, but this gameis built
on UBI Soft's Assassin's
Creed engine.
Flops: We'renot complain-
ing about having earlier
questions answered, but has
the cel-shaded Prince of
Persia from 2008 been
completely forgotten?
Inside the octagon, there's
no escaping your oppo-
nent's brutality. All you can
dois bring your own to the
ring. Here, given that there
arefaster moves for more.
than 100 fighters, a much-
improved ground game,
and sways and leans that
allow your fighter to avoid
devastating blows, combat
will be that much more
satisfying.
Rocks: They've also added
three more fighting styles
(Karate, sambo, and Greco-
Roman wrestling), many
more submissions and
strikes, and the ability to
fight southpaw. The tour-
nament mode challenges
your skills arcade-style.
You have the ability to build
online fighting camps and
leagues.
Flops: Not every move you
make looks like it connects.
What truly sucks is the fact
that all the training you doin
the game to get your
fighters in shape doesn't
carry over to real life O в
a
on the Street
Anew photo book skewers bohemian wannabes from coast to coast.
Street Boners: 1,764 Hipster Fashion Jokes
By Gavin McInnes
Grand Central Publishing
ereisafashion book
for readers who don't
really care that much
about fashion, but do
like people-watching
anda good joke. Debbie
Harry, Fred Armisen, photo blog
TheCobraSnake.com, and others riff
onandrate the getups of everyday
people on the street, providing a
kaleidoscopic take on hipster fashion
22 PENTHOUSE.COM
Seethem dress down someone
wearing a jacket featuring gold links
inscribed with chanel, girls wearing
bras as tops, eighties wannabes, and
many other fashion emergencies
They also offer tips on beards (chin
beards are out "unless you're in the
band Anthrax”), sneakers, and style.
The effectis dizzying—and will make
you think twice before you step out
your door, lest you be caught in the
snare of their lens.
mus nes
rosso 1000
This Harper Perennial
collection by an editor at
The New Yorker is a slim,
powerful volume о/14
tales that immediately
absorb your attention
with their intimacy. There
are several epistolary
stories, one ("To Kill the
Pink") featuring a father
reporting on his wartime
activities to his daughter.
Greenman writes, "There
were so many other
details that II never
recover, little things! wish
1 could have noticed." In
these tales, though, the
details are vivid and help
sculpt the nuanced world
ofeach narrative.
НИИ
PR
Many baseball enthu-
siasts are gifted witha
head for statistics, ora
powerful memory of the
game's history, or a knack
foranalyzing a team's
needs. But only one is
blessed with the ability to
mimic the batting stance,
down to the minutest
detail, of just about any
major leaguer ever. That
man is Ryness—the Frank
Caliendo of the batter's
box, only much more hip
—and with videographer
Dewarthe tells his story
here, with witty commen-
tary, nostalgic essays, and
photos that capture his
uncanny art Scribner).—
John BolsterO а
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Onthesurface, cycling appears to bea simple -
sport. All youneedisabike, right? But as you
lookto improve your speed and comfort, it’s
easy to get overwhelmed by the options,
so we've founda few must-haves.
By Rebecca Swanner
: Life еотор SERVICING YOUR NEED.
Жо THEGO
Retro Cycling Jerseys
$70 to $80 • RetrolmageApparel.com
There are countless ridiculous-looking cycling jerseys out there. Project a
cooler persona witha classic jersey from Retro Image. They're made from
moisture-wicking Euro Mesh fabric and have three rear pockets to hold your
stuff. The Coney Island Lager and Black Cat Fireworks designs will remind
you of more carefree days, while the Horton Collection features images
pulled from memorable cycling posters of yesteryear that will make you look
like more of an elite rider than you really are.
Kryptonite
Fahgettaboudit
and New York
Legend Locks
$97; $170 +
KryptoniteLock.com
If someone really wants
your bike, they'll get it, no
matter how long it takes. To
deterthe most tenacious
thief, try the New York
Legend, a hefty, six-sided
chain and disc lock. It's
made of manganese steel
and weighs a whopping
16 pounds—something to
keep in mind since you'll
need to haul it around
somehow while you're
riding. Kryptonite also offers
extreme protection with the.
Fahgettaboudit U-Lock. It
has a hardened steel sleeve. ^
over the crossbar for extra е
security. Both locks are high-
quality and come with three
keys—one with a light—and
antitheft warranties, so you
can rest easy.
26 PENTHOUSE.COM
EPR t |
$45 • Pearllzumi.com
Riding in a rainy morning chill can be difficult. Whether
your priority is manual dexterity or merely not freezing
your fingers off, these gloves offer comfort and protection
without bulk. The blend of ventilated nylon, polyurethane,
spandex, and polyester will keep your hands warm, and
when the mercury really drops, you can slide the windproof
lobster-mitt covers over your fingers.
" T
$295 to $404 per wheel * Aerospoke.com
If you want to stand out in a crowd, these spokeless wheels will
help. They not only look cool, but they're built to withstand
thousands of miles of hard riding, Though heavier than your
average wheels, the American-made aluminum hubs are
extremely durable, so they'll be able to handle your cycling
style, whether you ride fixed, road, mountain, or recumbent.
п Y
$100 * LazerHelmets.com
Ifyou want to keep what's inside your head
where it belongs, a good helmet is a must. This
adjustable design gives you the look of Luke
Skywalker zipping through the trees on his
speeder, but without the whiny attitude. It's
equipped with front and back lights, so cars can
spot you easily, leaving you to ride another day.
$950 - HedCycling.com
When you're going for
speed, aerodynamics is
important. You need to bend
over your handlebars so
you'll glide through the air
and smoke other riders. If
you maintain this position for
any length of time, though,
you'll be sore. Aerobar has.
three types of extensions,
allows youto place your
hands in front of your chest,
and adjusts to suit any rider
so you'll stay comfortable.
Butmaybe you preferto
be hunched over your bike.
Guess it depends on who's
giving you a massage at the
endof the day On
ZIEROSPOXE
BS
= Li fe OnTop SERVICING YOUR NEEDS
EE EA ESL AME ESSE i
Maserati enhances its wickedly hot GranTurismo Coupe by
doing something provocative—letting it go topless.
By Bill Heald
hen you think about fine Italian performance machines, I'll wager your
thoughts tend toward Ferraris and Lamborghinis. As amazing as these
Г automotive wet dreams are, there is another manufacturer from this
stylish country that is often more subtle in street presence, but in many
ways more desirable because of its exclusivity.
The Maserati legacy started when
the Maserati brothers got seriously
into building and racing those new-
fangled "automobiles" in the early
19005. Over the years the company
gainedareputation for engineering
innovation, and Из exclusive, mostly
hand-builtjewels have competed
with Ferrari and Lamborghini on both
the track and the street (in the latter
case by attracting more discerning,
upscale drivers).
Maserati also gained favor by
injecting a bit of day-to-day prac-
ticality into its cars, so they could
beenjoyedin the real world. There
have been numerous ups and downs
inthe marque's storied history, and
itleftthe North American market
in 1990 only to return in 2002, and
has enjoyed renewed success. Now
that it's owned by Fiat, Maserati is
onterra firma, and doing delicious
things to its GranTurismo Coupe.
Sinceits origination, this hardtop has
beenalesson in elegant hotness, and
28 PENTHOUSE.COM
considering its capabilities, the styling
is almost understated. The high-
performance S version pushes the
envelope further, with more muscle
and even more chassis finesse than
the standard edition.
How do you make such a beautiful
machine even more desirable? You
make it topless, of course. The
GranTurismo convertible (or, as it's
called in Europe, the GranCabrio) is
billed by Maserati as "the first ever
soft-top convertible to be developed
and built at the company's Modena,
Italy, headquarters." This new addition
to the GranTurismo line takes the
solid, sophisticated chassis from
thePininfarina-styled hardtop and
gives it the open-air treatment (the
three-layer insulated soft-top drops
electrically in 24 seconds). The
chassis gets much of its punch from
the 5 model coupe, including the
meticulously crafted 4.7-liter V-8 that
summons forth 433 horsepower. The
six-speed ZF automatic transmission
isas versatile as it gets, with four
operating modes (including a manual
mode that uses paddle shifters on the
steering wheel) and the ability to shift
atoutrageously high engine rpms.
Even more intriguing is the con-
vertible's suspension, which is an
electronically enhanced system
called Skyhook. This special shock-
tuning witchcraft uses acceleration
sensors at all four wheels and the
body to detect movement, and
uses data on everything from road-
surface interaction to driver input
to regulate suspension settings and
transmission output; the Maserati
Stability Program delivers optimum
ride quality and control. The dri
canselecta sport mode that alters
this NASA-level computer compl
for more firmne:
aggressive driving.
The convertible is unique in that
unlike the other drop-tops in this
class, there's room to comfortably
seat four adults. The trunk capacity
he same whetherthe top
down, and you can procure «
designed lu: je to properly haul
your belongings. Such attention
to detail is important, for you want
to dress properly when behind the
upor
The sophisticated 5
kyhook
suspension keeps things
under control as you and your
passengers relax in high-
speed, open-air comfort.
wheel, lest the incredible interior
appointments make you с
anunlaundered sock puppet. The
Poltrona Frau leather seats and
trim are available
ntrasting stit
and even th
six different hues. Whether you opt
for the coupe or the convertible, the
GranTurismo o Imostlimit
color variati ide and out. Tt
e the ultimate in four-
dcrafte
inthe heart of Italy by a company that
mixes hardware with driving passion
like nobody else on the road 0-а
SPECIFICATIONS,
Body style
Engine
Power
Torque
Transmission
Fronttires
Reartires
Curb weight
Two-door coupe or convertible
4.2-liter V-8; Sand
convertible: 4,7-liter V-8
405 horsepower;
Sandconvertible: 433
339 foot-pounds;
Sand convertible; 361
Six-speed adaptive automatic
245/35 ZR20.
285/35 ZR20
4/47 pounds; S: 4,146;
convertible: 4,365
PERFORMANCE.
0-60
Top speed
Fuel capacity
EPAmpg
Base price
5.1seconds; S: 4.8;
convertible: 515
177 mph; S: 183;
convertible: 176.
227 gallons; S:22.7
convertible:19.8
12 city/19 highway;
Sand convertible; 11/18.
$117,500, S: $121,500;
After celebrating 50 years in the U.S.A., Honda enters the next
half-century with a high-tech radical in candy-apple red.
he Interceptor. The
VFR. These two
names have de-
scribed one particu-
lar breed of Honda
motorcycle, and ог
more thana quarter-century the
company has alternated the mon-
ikers when labeling their flagship
high-tech two-wheeler.
In 1983 the first Interceptor was
born. It possessed what has been the
30 PENTHOUSE.COM
By Bill Heald
heart of the machine from the begin-
ning:a V-4 engine. This was a sport
bike fit for racing at the track, but
was also a comfortable enough to
strap on some soft luggage and
motor to Vegas. In 1986, the name
Interceptor disappeared, and the VFR
with its all-aluminum frame arrived.
It brought with it more refinement
while remaining a popularracing
platform. In 1990, though, the VFR
debuted a stunning (and now sig-
nature) single-sided rear swingarm
and officially left the track fora street-
only life as the ultimate gentleman's
sport bike. In’98 the Interceptor name
returned with an all-new "pivotless"
frame design, side-mounted radia-
tors, and wicked-crisp fuel injection
In 2002 the new century saw an
Interceptor with an innovative valve-
control system (called VTEC) to boost
both low-and high-rpm power—and
optional ABS brakes were added later,
along with excellent hard saddlebags.
Unfortunately, the new VFRI200F
is so radically advanced, so startlingly
polished and wildly futuristic, that it
makes its proud ancestors look like
wheezing old minibikes. Honda's new
V-4isa genuine stunner, and radically
advanced in every aspect. Unlike the
original 750-cc engine, the new
1200-cc VFR millis directly derived
from MotoGP technology, and the two
rear cylinders reside inboard at the
center of the crankshaft, while the
front cylinders are positioned out-
board. This means the bike is narrow
where the rider sits, and you feel one
with the machine ratherthan perched
on top of it. Instead of a cable, а
throttle-by-wire system directs the
fuel injection via electronics, and the
offset crankshaft configuration in
Transmission
concert with a new 76-degree
delivers perfect primary balance to
keep the big motor smooth
Asi
standard gearbox, andit deliver
power to the shaft final drive (a first
for this family), but the wild ticket
is Honda's optional dual-clutct
automatic gearbox, based on
speed transmission is the
Formula engineering. You сап c
fully auto, but the real fun explod
in manual mode, in which you
button with your left index finger to
upshift, and touch a similar paddle
with your thumb to downshift. The
apa
system works so well, even ned
racers have lapped Japar
Raceway faster with the
transmission than with t
unit. Handling
excellent inverted front
gas-charged single re.
Honda's brilliant Combir
brake system hauls the big bike
from speed in short order. A full com-
plement of hard luggage and other
accessories helps you create the
imate sport-touring chariot Oka
ugo
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Once you set a precedent by vacationing witha girl, leaving
her behind takes finesse. Our twenty-first-century rogue tells
you how to break free from the anchor weighing you down.
Illustration by Celia Calle
34 PENTHOU:
Dear Scoundrel,
For the past several summers, I’ve
been going to the beach fora week
with my college friends and our cur-
rent girlfriends. My girl has come
with me for the past three years, and
she loves it. But this year, the guy
whose name is on the lease just broke
up with his girlfriend; he's insisting
on making it guys-only and sold the
other dudes on creeping for girls
Jersey Shore-style. That's fine by
me, except I don't know how to break
itto my girlfriend. She'salready
been talking about И for months. But
there's no way I'm bringing her—my
buddies would never forgive me for
raining on their pussy parade.
ou're going to turn the
beachside love shack into a balls-
to-the-wall stabbin' cabin? Bob Vila
would be proud. There's nothing
wrong with your brokenhearted bro
craving some motion by the ocean,
but whatever you do, don't tell your
girl the planis trolling for shore
whores. Before she'll see you offto
Margaritaville, she'll grill you like a pig
ona spit and bust your balls so hard
you'll feel like they're clams dropped
onthe rocks. Instead, bury her head
inthe sand by telling her your boy has
completely lost itand has joined up
in Robert Bly's “mythopoetic man's
movement"—you might want to
Google this. Say he wants to awaken
his friends' repressed masculinity
via fireside drum circles. "I know it's
ridiculous," you'll say, "but he's ina
bad place and we feel like we should
be there for him." (You also should
mention that part of the mythopoetic
men's movementis taking out the
trash more often.)
In short, you want to paint a picture
of animal pelts on head, not bikini
bottoms on face. She'll leave you
to your "retreat" when she realizes
it entails going into the woods and
reconnecting with your lost father, not
getting wood and asking а stripper,
"Who's your daddy?"
That said, you will have to make it
upto her by taking her shopping in
Paris, or on some other gay-cation
you've been avoiding, Even | can't
help you with that Oka
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А chance encounter witha
bottle of overproof. baijíuleads
one globe-trotting writer ona
tasi
liquid spirits.
By Joshua M. Bernstein
go
twasa cool, salt-breezed fall
night in Qingdao, the Chinese
coastal city best known as
Tsingtao beer's birthplace,
and | was about to pass out in
my plate full of crispy pork
I'd entered the restaurant—
situated in alandlocked
building resembling a boat—
to dine with tourism officials touting
their brewery's bounty. Dinner at the
circular table started pleasantly, with
translated small talk and platters of
tangy fish and spicy swine. But thanks
to twolittle words, the night abruptly
veered left into intoxication.
“Gan Бе!" shouted the khaki-clad
head of Qingdao tourism. He hoisted
a glass brimming not with beer but
clear bai jiu—a viciously overproof,
unaged grain liquor that smells and
tastes like airplane fuel.
"What's gan ber?" lasked my
translator. She explained that gan bei
roughly means "bottoms up." When a
toastis followed by gan bei, everyone
emptiestheir vessels. Refusing to
drinkis disrespectful; imbibing as
muchasa frat pledge is commended.
36 PENTHOUSE.COM
ig quest of some of Chi ina's
It's a matter of pride,” my trans-
lator said, motioning to my full glass.
Was pride another word for public
intoxication? | tossed back the bai
jiu and smiled tightly, tears welling
while the liquor blazed to my gut
The Chinese contingent clapped,
as if l'd sunka difficult putt. Waiters
refilled our glasses. “Gan bei!” the
host toasted. | matched him, drink for
drink, the thunderous applause like
sweet music.
Sometime before blacking out |
thought, China is a country where a
drunk could feel right at home.
Besides the odd Tsingtao, I'd never
consumed much Chinese booze.
Butabouta year ago, following a
dumpling lunch in Manhattan's
Chinatown, | entered a liquor store to
buy bourbon. What instead caught
my attention were dusty bottles of
bai jiu, most with triple-digit proofs.
Intrigued, | selected an Er Guo Tou-
brand bottle styled witha red star.
"Be careful," cautioned a clerk, like
Iwasa kid lighting bottle rockets. |
understood his warning that evening.
when | drank my first bolt of bai jiu. It
was like liquid fire, moonshine from
a distant, drunken land. | was equally
repulsed and captivated: What other
spirits did China offerthe discerning
dipsomaniac?
With a fervor typically reserved
for scholarly research, investigated
Chinese alcohol. As is appropriate for
a country of a billion people, there are
a billion ways to get hangovers, from
potent rice wine to low-alcohol lager
beers to chardonnays made with
grapes plucked from native vineyards.
Chinese chardonnay? Faster than you
can say cirrhosis, | booked a flight for
Hangzhou by way of Beijing, taking
along an open mind, a willing liver, and
lots of ibuprofen.
an be the host
toasted. Sometime
before blacking out I
thought, China is a
country where a drunk
could feel right at home.
Upon landing in Beijing, my translator
апа! flew to Hangzhou, located about
110 miles south of Shanghai. The
historic city's highlight is bucolic West
Lake. It's surrounded by pagodas,
ancient temples, and restaurants
serving the local specialties—sweet,
vinegary West Lake fish and weak
Xihu light beer. Xihu was crisp and
energetically effervescent, but at just
1.9 proof, it was half as potent as
Coors Light
“You can drink this all day without
getting drunk," enthused our local
guide, Wilson, as if this were a selling
point. Equally unappetizing was the
mahogany-hued rice wine, which
tasted like wood-aged cough syrup.
“Itis. an acquired taste," Wilson said,
pouring another glass for himself.
Dinner that night brought another
disappointment: а domestically
produced Changyu dry red wine. It
was thin and metallic, as if the grapes
had been flavored with aluminum foil
“Do you not like wine?" Wilson
asked, noticing my full cup.
“| prefer beer,” | answered
diplomatically, ordering another Xihu
Perhaps sensing my need to ex-
pand my alcohol palate, the next day
Wilson took me to the Sanbai Wine
Workshop at nearby Wuzhen Water
Town. It's a Venice-like city settled
on the banks of the Jinghang Grand
Canal. The dusty, open-air workshop
smelled of sweet rot, thanks to sticky
steamed rice that's fermented for up
to four months and distilled into high-
test hooch. It tasted like sake's tough
older brother—unrefined, sure, but
still plenty tasty.
From Wuzhen we went to towering
Shanghai. | spent my days slurping
pork-broth-filled soup dumplings and
my nights drinking Suntory beer. Its
cardboard flavor was made palatable
by the 30-cent price tag. hoped for
finer drinks in the coastal Penglai
region, where the mineral-rich soil is
ripe for grape growing, Across the
countryside, the Chinese government
has built knockoff chateaus and
castles that appear to have been
airlifted from France's Loire Valley.
Most were empty, like condos built
during America's real-estate boom.
“Inthe next ten years, we predict
Penglai will be China's biggest
wine country,” Jenny Chi, a Penglai
government official, told me hope-
fully. We were at the Disney-like
Chateau Junding complex, located in
the—I kid you not—Nava Valley. While
brides and grooms snapped wedding
pictures in front of the castle-like
facade, we lunched on dumplings and
steaks and drank a complex cabernet
merlot with along finish. Though the
wine was a delight, the service was
bewildering. Waiters dumped wine
into water pitchers, doling it out in
maddening one-ounce increments—
every sip was my last
China's wine culture, | realized, is
[ve >
as badly translated asa shuttered
restaurant's sign: PLEA
3
тюм. The
chateaus' walls were as hollow as a
movie set's. During tasting sessions
red wine was chugged. Bottles sold
for hundreds of dollars, though cost
had no bearing on quality. It was
smoke-and-mirrors Sonoma. While
great Chinese wines (like Grace
Vineyard's) existed, the vintages |
sampled were mainly plonk, like the
oxidized chardonnay from Chateau
Changyu-Castel, which also sold
san bian jiu—a "medicinal" tonic
colloquially known as "three-penis
wine." Whose three penises, | didn't
dare ask.
| drank away the wine-country
disappointmentat the Tsingtao
Brewery. Its full-bodied, generously
hopped, unfiltered draft beer was as
fine as any American microbrew, and
the roasty stout would be welcome
atany British pub. Still, by the time!
reached Beijing, | was burned out on
Chinese booze. Seeking salvation, |
called my friend Blake, who edits the
English-language events magazine
City Weekend. Blake steered me to
the hulking Workers’ Stadium, which
hosted soccer matches during the
2008 Olympics but is now a nightlife
destination. We entered a takeout
restaurant dubbed Stadium Dog, then
detoured downstairs, Blake pressed
ahidden switch and, like something
from Scooby-Doo, a wall slid open. А
plume of smoke wafted out.
Welcome to the Fubar speakeasy,”
Blake said, leading me toa seat beside
chatty expats sipping cheap, brawny
mixed drinks. It felt like home away
from home. | ordered two gin and
tonics, delivered in giant rocks glasses
by the bald, friendly owner, Chad
Lager. | told him my tale of rotgut
liquors and tannic wines, “These
will cure what ails you,” Lager said,
watching as | sipped—citric tang,
boozy wallop, sweet tonic kiss. Bliss.
One G&T led to more, as midnight
blended into a blurry 2 a.m. “When's
last call?" asked Lager, eager to
sneak in one final cocktail.
"We don't ever have to close,"
Lager said, grabbing my empty glass,
which didn't stay empty for long.
"If youknow where to go, Chinaisa
drinker's paradise." Oa
37
[international pet]
38 PENTHOUSECOM
The Australian edition of Penthouse recently celebrated its 3Oth anniversary.
Inhonorofthe occasion, the staff named Tarra White, a fiery 34D-24-34 adult-film star, Pet of the Month.
As we congratulate our sister publication from the land down under on its milestone
birthday, we take a page from its book, soto speak, and welcome the lovely 22-year-old to the States.
She’s giving us a very good day, mate.
Photographs by Andrew K.
39
nakedinthe middle
of the street, with lot:
of people watchi N
+
)
4
“The best thing about
my career so faris the
travel. Shootingin
Madagascar was just
amazing. It’s so great to
meet new people and
learn new languages.”
44 PENTHOUSE.COM
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Idolliketohang with my girlfriends—
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GO TO PENTHOUSEMODELS.COM.
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46 PENT!
a
В [talking points]
Todays ribald revolutionaries aren't
“throwing Molotov cocktails in some
banana republic,” says the new book
¡Satiristas!, “they're slinging jokes cause
they're going bananas over the state
of our republic.” If George Orwell was
correct when he said, “Whatever 15
funny is subversive,’ these fearless
freedom fighters should beat the top
of the FBI’s Most Wanted list.
By Paul Provenza
with.
disres
Illustration by Mitchell MacNaughton
[talking points]
STEPHEN
COLBERT
| When Colbert appearedat the 2006
| White House Press Correspondents’
| Dinnereviscerating President Bush to
| his face, he was hailed asa conquering
hero. It was a moment that gave
everyone in comedy pause, and made
them question their own timidity. But
while the comedy community—and
many Americans—view Colbertas
importantand uncompromisingly
ballsy, the man himself has a more
| measured view of what he does and
theimpactit has.
| COLBERT: | don't consider what | did
atthe White House Correspondents'
Dinner brave. Anti-authoritarian
| maybe, but think there's а difference
between that and bravery, because |
enjoyed myself. was not afraid of the
people in the room. | think "bravery" is
action in the face of what you consider
reasonable fear. But | wasn't afraid;
| Iwas so excited. It's like, if there was
this chasm to go over and my jokes
were my bridge, | had confidence in
| the construction. | was so happy to go
and doit.
| PROVENZA: | couldn't help but
wonder if they had any idea they
were letting a fox into the Republican
henhouse. If so, someone there has a
real subversive streak
| COLBERT: | have to say that, after-
ward, | wrote to the Correspondents'
| Association people who had asked
| metodoitand said, “| hada wonder-
| ful time, | certainly hope | didn't make
| any trouble for you." Because! didn't
| wantto; they were very nice to me,
| апат посаг assassín. | really like
doing my work and my jokes, but |
| really didn't want to fuck this guy who
booked me. But he said, "We /oved it!
Thank you. We're thrilled."
PROVENZA: You faced some appar-
| entdisdain from Bush and others on
the dais, and as | watched it | couldn't
help thinking, His tax returns for the
pastten years had better be impec-
| cable. Do you thinkit was perceived
as more than comedy? That it was a
real confrontation with the powers
that be?
COLBERT: Oh, | don't know if it was
seen like that. | know that afterward
there was alot of talk in the press and
the blogosphere about it, and much
was made of whether there was any
| significance to the evening, but |
| purposely haven't read that stuff, and
50 PENTHOUSE.COM
in the room, nobody talked to me, so |
have noidea
PROVENZA: Spoiler alert: A lot of
people did see it that way. So you're
in what seems to mea very odd
position: You're an actor, a comedian,
anda comedy writer, but youand
your show are quoted in op-ed pages,
studies say you're considered by
many to be an actual news source—
or at least an alternative to distrusted
news sources—and you, your jokes,
and this comic character are part
of the national discourse. 15 that
disconcerting?
COLBERT: | don't know whether!
accept that, Mr. Provenza. What |
meanis, | don't accept that respon-
sibility, because | don't accept any
responsibility for anything | do, but
lalso don’t know if accept that
premise. | don't necessarily think that
my work is all that informative or all
that influential. | think that it isin-
fluential in this regard: that | can
make people feel better at times
about something that otherwise
might make them feel sick. But |
don't know if that's the same thing
as changing their minds. Surely
a
someone's given you the Peter Cook
quote about satirists. When asked,
"Does satire have a political effect?"
he said something to the effect of,
"Absolutely. All that great satire of
the Weimar cabaret, look how they
stopped Hitler."
| think when we do the show well,
or when I do my job well, on some
levelit reflects honest, passionately
held beliefs. Now, could those
influence people? They could. But
I'm not doing it to do so, and I'm not
expecting it to. | don't feel it's a failure
if it doesn't. If somebody tells me
that | influenced them, it's not for me
to say they're wrong, but that's not
my goal and it's not the definition
of my success. I'm out for laughs
When people came up to me after
the Correspondents' Dinner and said,
"Fuck those people, man. What does
it matter if they laugh?" | was like, "No,
it kind of matters to me."
PROVENZA: Soas satirists, by picking
up and commenting on what's already
churning in the media, are we not then
allowing ourselves to be “hijacked”
the way the news cycle is? Should
we be the ones to dig deeper to find
ETTYIMAGES
сми
В
8
PHOTOGRAPHBY
“Oneofthe m sinsin modern
newsisthat
efacts really
don't matter... «And 'sin Isa .
strong word, but Tm a Catholic.
some other take than what's already
gained traction? Or finding out what
is not already in the discourse—but
maybe should be—and presenting
thatinstead?
COLBERT: | agree, and! think | doit.
The danger, for example, is that I've
got to doa show tonight, and today,
the scripts aren't ready. Generally,
we have scripts in pretty good
shape 24 hours ahead о time, but
we're doing a soup-to-nuts rewrite
today. Sometimes you get pressed
by that clockinto a point of view
that you don't necessarily believe is
the best, but that you know that will
be comedically successful. That is
a danger, but we try to continually
name that danger. If we don't do it half
the time, | feel great.
| can understand getting hijacked
by a particular take, because on The
Colbert Report we're constantly
going, "Do wereally wantto say that,
orare we just parodying what other
people are saying?” We ask, "Is that
really what the story is about?" all the
time. I'm sure actual news [people]
ask themselves that question all the
time. But then there's the hungry
beast of the clock, which goes, "Come
on, we know Blitzer's going to be out
there in The Situation Room in five
minutes. What's the story?"
Andthey go, "Well, this is just being
reported."
"Okay, let's just go with that." I'm
ashumanas they are. But the real
crime here is laziness. Lazy thought
and willful ignorance. After the first
time we ever did The Colbert Report,
| said, “If this show works and goes on
and on for years, it won't matter who's
in office, what the political landscape
is, orwhatthe story ofthe day is,
because what we're talking about is
willful ignorance of facts over what
feels like news to you, what feels like
the story, what feels like the truth." I
said, "That will never go away.”
One of the great sins in modern
news is that the facts really don't
matter. Those nighttime shows are
the most popular shows and they
are all about feeling. That is nota sin
specifically of the guys that | parody,
thatisa sin (and "sin" isa strong
word, but I'm a Catholic) of laziness
and fear—laziness about getting a
different take ona subject, and fear
that you won't serve the beast of
the clock on the wall. In my opinion. 1
could be wrong—l'm a comedian.
PROVENZA: On The Colbert Report,
you're actually satirizing a form and
type of media personality more than
satirizing newsmakers.
COLBERT: We do both. | may be
stealing this definition of satire from
somebody, but "satire is parody with
apoint.” Presently, lam parodying
willful ignorance. But | have to say the
mediumisa lot of my message.
PROVENZA: Do you meet people
who don't get it? Who don't see your
character as a character?
COLBERT: People who care to know
me generally getit. I'm not saying
people never get it wrong, but | myself
have only encountered that once:
When | was still at The Daily Show, |
did a piece about how diverse the
population of delegates was at the
National Democratic Convention:
African-Americans, Native Amer-
icans, Jews, environmentalists
—or “tree huggers," as I'd call them—
homosexual-rights lobbyists, union
workers, “Ghandi Indians"—as | called
them, as opposed to “Sitting Bull
Indians"—that kind of thing. | got them
all together ona panel and tried to get
them to agree on things. Of course
I picked very divisive topics, and it
ended up being a cacophony that |
just walked out of, like | couldn't wait
to get to the Republican Convention
where they all spoke with one voice.
Then went to do a piece at the
Republican Convention. It had been
kind of a dull night. Madison Square
Garden was empty, but I'm sitting in
the bleachers, thinking, How am I
going to cut this together into some-
thing? and a guy comes over in one
ofthose "here's your cowboy hat for
beingatthe convention" cowboy
hats and he says, "I'm from the Bush
headquarters in Dallas, and | gotta
tell you, | love that piece you did
onthe Democrats and how many.
crazy different kinds of people they
have! | mean, what are they thinkin’,
man? They're never going to get that
coalition together."
Andi said, “Oh, that's interesting.
Um, you know, that was ironic, The
whole point of it was that it's a nice
effort to try to get those kinds of
people together. It was really kind of
acelebration of what they were doing,
and the idea that the Republicans
are all one voice is a criticism of what
is essentially the patriarchal power
structure still propped up by the
white, Christian, male leadership of
the Republican Party.”
That was generally the idea of what
1 said to him, and he looks at me апа
goes, "Huh. Well... l'Il take your word
forit, butit was funny as hell, man. We
play it all the time.”
Then he just walked away, and 1
went, “Oh... okaaaay."
PROVENZA: | can't help wondering
if that may happen more often than
you're aware.
COLBERT: | think maybe you're right,
too. don't put much stock in things
like the Pew Research Center study
that says young people get more of
their news from me and Jon Stewart
than any other place. However...
Harvard did a study at the Kennedy
School about Jon Stewart's and my
demographics. Basically, it said that
traditional Democrats watch his
show 46 percent to my 29 percent,
something like that, and traditional
Republicans watch me 49 percent to
his25 percent. So there might actually
be some “1 identify with what that
guy's saying." There might be a little
bit ofthat in there.
PROVENZA: And does it matter?
COLBERT: Oh, it absolutely doesn't
matter to me. I'm not crafting my
work fora demographic. I'm just glad
people watch, and don't suppose
they'd watch other than to laugh. So
if they're laughing, then that's fine
with me.
PROVENZA: Given that “willful
ignorance" is bipartisan, do you con-
sider yourself left-wing or right-wing?
COLBERT: Therearetimesthat my
character's ignorance of himself
allows him to say liberal things or
even hold liberal ideas without any
knowledge of it. In reference to my
character, he's generally conservative.
I myself sometimes agree with him.
It doesn't matter to me if my audi-
ence knows when that is, but | do
sometimes agree with my character.
But generally speaking, if you slap me
Е]
ER [talking points]
across the face at 3 a.m. and say, “What
are you?" I'd say I'ma liberal.
PROVENZA: Can people not take the
point seriously since it's just froma
quasi-fictional character? And if they
hold views you mock, can't they just
say to themselves, “Oh, that guy's just
ajoke"?
COLBERT: | try to wear his mask
lightly, but never really take it off fully,
because itallows me to say things that
you would not forgive me for saying.
For instance: "That Rosa Parks is
overrated, Let's not forget she got
famous for breaking the law, okay?
Last time | checked, we don't honor
lawbreakers. | think that gets lost in
this whole back-of-the-bus thing
Don't get me wrong, it tooka lot of
courage, but | think we're burying the
lead here. She's a criminal.” | can get
away with that through the mask of
my character.
Isuppose many comedians keep
some level of mask between them-
selves and the audience, and the
audience agrees to let them get away
with it, but | wear it all the time on my
show, to various thicknesses. That's
how the character helps me. | can get
away with shit, Most of the time
VERNON
CHATMAN
&JOHNLEE
Vernon Chatman was a consultant
on South Park (and gave voice to the
lovable Towelie), won an Emmy
for The Chris Rock Show, and wrote
for Late Night With Conan O'Brien
before joining creative forces with
John Lee to cocreate, write, and
produce the now-defunct MTV
series Wonder Showzen, the brilliantly
twisted anti-Sesame Street for the
nihilist child and bipolar Muppet in
all ofus. They arethe team behind
the ethereally funny Xavier: Renegade
Angel, and the deadpan unreality
show Delocated, both for Adult
Swim. Along with their partners in
PFFR, their production company,
band/art collective kinda sorta,
they just may be the darkest, most
inventive, imaginatively subversive
minds working in television comedy
today.
CHATMAN: On Wonder Showzen,
we putall our darkness and cyni-
cism through the vessel of a child
That's it. That was the entire premise
52 PENTHOUSE.
if we doit, we're ass
but ifa little kid does it, it's cute
and funny.
CHATMAN: Ironic and deep.
LEE: It says something.
PROVENZA: Well, you know... It does,
actually.
CHATMAN: But we weren't like, “This
is an important thing." Mostly, it was
are scrappy little shitty, cynical
things we want to say and if we get
a kid to say it, it's funny." I don't think
we ever think much about a point
We're not that smart. The degree to
which we put any statement in is "just
enough to keep things interesting
PROVENZA: That show grabbed
meright away, because | despise
prepackaged, one-size-fits-all
sentimentality. To be cynical about it
inthe context of a kid's show | think
is substantive
CHATMAN: We want to smash those
smiles off people's fac
PROVENZA: We're always sur-
rounded by so much artificial
sentimentality, which | find vulgar.
Whenever! see those sweatshirts
with cute little kittens and puppies on
them, | think of the factories where
five-year-olds make them for two
cents a month
CHATMAN: All the emotions that go
into all that are fuel, sure, but it's also
a dark black hole to go down; it's not
that creative. It wasn't just cynicism
with Wonder Showzen. A lot of it was
that kids are just funny and fun.
They're anarchic and goofy, Their
personality and energy bring out the
kid in us.
PROVENZA: Was your voice as a
stand-up similar to your voice on TV?
CHATMAN: | definitely indulged in
гаре and abortion jokes and the
darkest, bleakest shit. But thereare
limits when you have а live audience.
When you're on TV, you're not in the
room
LEE: Were you punched onstage?
CHATMAN: I've been punched asa
result of Wonder Showzen. Doing
the Clarence puppet with strangers
in Central Park, we got knives pulled
onus; got punchedin the head та
restaurant—
PROVENZA: It seems endemic for
many of us in comedy that, for some
twisted reason, it's more compelling
when someone gets upset about
something we think is funny than just
to see them enjoying themselves.
LEE: Somehow what you're talking
aboutis kind of sad. Being cruel and
pushing somebody is much more
othey can't punch you.
somber than someone going, "Hey!
Here's ten jokes about rednecks.”
PROVENZA: Are we just hiding
cruelty because it's funny enough on
the surface?
LEE: We just can't think about it.
People ask us, "Should you really have
little kids saying stuff like that?"
And we're like, "Yeah, it's fine; they
know aboutit." But really, ultimately,
probably not.
There is something cruel to it,
but the larger point of it being funny
and somewhat interesting makes
it okay in our world. | feel fine with
it because | do think it's funny and
it wasinteresting to show that
contrast.
CHATMAN: We put our Clarence
puppet on the street to provoke
people, just to get people madata
puppet. It isa shitty thing to do, that
if they getangry, you've gota good
shot. And see people | fucked with
walking down the street, too. | saw.
this crazy hippie we had harassed,
and he recognized me and punched
me two years later. He's like a gnome
with a blanket and he flipped it on me.
linhaled all ofthose germs.
LEE: Ewww, hippie dust.
PROVENZA: In his defense, when
Clarence provoked, it was from a
heady place. Harassing joggers in the
park with “What are you running
from, your fears?" and “You can't run
away from the truth.” Pretty big ideas
fora puppet.
CHATMAN: That's inevitable witha
show that's "cute" on the surface.
For the contrast, you go to the darkest
place possible and put the brightest
colors onit. That's sort of our person-
ality. Thematically, we don't really talk
about the big things. We just focus
on the joke. People who are thinking
about "the grand statement” are prob-
ably working at Kinko's right now.
PROVENZA: Have you had much
resistance?
CHATMAN: Yeah, we got canceled.
Andittook six years to even get
Wonder Showzen on the air.
PROVENZA: On your "Beat Kids"
segment, this cute little kid was
obviously being fed lines, but the
adults he was screwing with never
seemed to register that. It's amazing.
CHATMAN: We'd go right up to him
and whisper stuff right in his ear!
Everyone always saw it.
LEE: They'd be arguing with the kid,
we'd whisper right into the kid's ear,
the kid would say it, and they'd literally
go, “Where'd you get this kid? It's
incredible what this kid says!"
CHATMAN: Weird psychological trick.
Very strange. We'd have the kid say
something offensive and then we'd
go, “Trevor! How could you?!" clearly
acknowledging the obvious charade,
but people still seemed to buy it. They
don't seem to notice the camera, the
whispering, anything.
PROVENZA: Have you had any
dealings with—
CHATMAN: Death threats? Have | had
dealings with death threats? Гуе had
a death threat. White supremacists,
wasn'tit?
LEE: Yeah. But it seemed like some
kind of a prank.
CHATMAN: | hope it was real. That'd
be comedy cred, right?
LEE: That's cool. Like getting raped
in prison.
CHATMAN: We did this thing cele-
brating white culture: "This episode
of Wonder Showzen is brought to you
by... white people.” And we guess
someone saw that and said, "You're
making fun of white people? That's
notright."
LEE: There were online debates
where people liked certain points of
the racism. “I like that racism, but are
they making fun of white people in
this bit?" | guess people like that get
easily duped.
CHATMAN: We'd have a joke that's
ironically racist, but then you'd see
people who are—
LEE: —геа//у racist.
CHATMAN: —happy there's racism
there. There's alot of paranoia that
we have the wrong people with us
sometimes.
LEE: But you can't let stupid people
stop you from doing stuff.
CHATMAN: People who misinterpret
“Doing the Clarence puppet with
strangers in Central Park, we got
knives er onus. Igotpunched
inthe
ead in a restaurant."
your jokes, that's their problem.
We hada little kid dressed up like
Hitler, asking people, "What's wrong
withthe youth of today?" And that
only came up because we wrote
another bit we thought would never
get through, so we thought, What's
thecraziest, stupidest thing we could
come up with?
LEE: We'll put that in the script, and
they'll say, "You can't do this and that,"
and we'd go, "Okay, we won't do that,
we'lljust do this."
CHATMAN: But they went, "Oh. Okay."
LEE: "Can't wait to see the kid in the
Hitler outfit."
CHATMAN: We were like, "Holy shit."
We were legitimately like, "Is this
right?"
LEE: We went back and forth onit for
like ... a minute. На! No, overnight.
CHATMAN: Then it was a matter of
convincing a kid's parent to letus
doit with him, and can we convince
ourselves that there's any actual
legitimacy to the whole thing?
LEE: It at least has a legitimate
question: What % wrong with the
youth of today?
CHATMAN: There's nothing | regret in
that bit, but think some people were
hurt or offended.
LEE: The saddest thing was that some
people saw the kid and said, "Is that
little kid dressed up as somebody?
Who's he supposedto be?" One guy
asked, "Is he that Korean guy?"
CHATMAN: He's got the moustache,
the hair, armbands, swastika—
everything. Marching around, arm
stuckup—
LEE: Some people had no idea,
that was the most disturbing thing
about it.
CHATMAN: The kid's going, "What's
wrong with the youth of today?”
and I'm thinking, What the fuck is
wrong with everybody?
LEE: We were like, "He's dressed like
Hitler! That's, like, the number-one
bad guy, isn't it?"
PROVENZA: | can't help wondering
what the network didn't let you do.
LEE: The censors never saw us,
never met us, and we did some
black satire and they asked us over
the phone—
CHATMAN: "Is one of you black?
Maybe if it was a black person..."
And I'm half-black, so | said, "Yeah."
Andthen they had nothing more to
saytous!
LEE: Crazy, right? That's completely
nonsensical.
CHATMAN: That's the scary thing
about network standards people:
[talking points]
If somebody's white, they don't feel
comfortable judging what's accept-
ableto blacks, whether it's okay to
say "nigger" here orthere, so they
just don't touchit. So... hey! How
about you hire a black person?
There's an idea!
PROVENZA: So you guys say a
horrible word on TV, and in return a
major network finally hires a black
executive. That's an interesting
conundrum.
CHATMAN: Right. Of course, throw-
ingit back in their face like that
doesn't usually help.
LEE: l'm a quarter Asian. That's why
we hooked up; we thought we could
covera lot of racial territory.
CHATMAN: My favorite example of
thatisin South Park. The Mr. Garrison
character can say "faggot" because
he's gay, but another character—
with the same guy doing both
voices—can't
LEE: So they really believe the char-
acter's a real person and acknowl-
edge him as a citizen.
PROVENZA: Should everybody have
the right to say things?
LEE: Are we contributing to the moral
demise of the country? Yes. They
were always sensitive about religious
stuff, too. That was kind of the bigg
thing. We һаа а little puppet on the
cross, and they said, “You can do God,
you just can't do Jesus. God is just an
abstract idea, but Jesus? People will
get offended.”
CHATMAN: Someone actually said
this to us. Please print that; | want it
on the record. I'll say it again so you
getit right, and you promise you'll
print it. Someone at the network said
"You can make fun of God because he
doesn't exist, but you can't make fun
of Jesus, because he's God's son."
Though he felt unable to find his own
unique voice and persona asa
stand-up, Judd Apatow's outsized
comic gifts and originality were
immediately apparent, and earned
him the respect of some of comedy's
biggest names. A gifted writer,
he moved easily into writing and
producing television, yielding cult
hits The Ben Stiller Show, The Larry
Sanders Show, The Critic, Freaks
and Geeks, and Undeclared. He
transitioned deftly into features,
producing The Cable Guy and
54 РЕМТНО!
сом
Anchorman before breaking out as а
writer/director with the sleeper hit
The 40-Year-Old Virgin and becoming
the most in-demand—and profit-
able—comedy guru in Hollywood
Apatow has raised the bar for explor-
ing heartfelt, touching human exper-
ience through sometimes profane,
always
smart comedy.
APATOW: | think it's fun when men
open up. That's why in Knocked Up,
they take mushrooms so they can say
what they're really thinking—which
I did once; | was on mushrooms ona
first date with this woman and after
herejected me, for three
hours, | just asked her why.
PROVENZA: Two women opening
up to each other isn't as comedically
interesting to me, because women
tend to do that naturally. But guys
trying to be open and vulnerable
while trying to be macho and strong
at the same time is pure comic fodder.
APATOW: | think a lot of that’s just
being uncomfortable being aman
and the struggle to “own" your
masculinity and cockiness as part
ofall that. I've always found that
straight
funny. The goofy guy trying to figure
out how to be confident is one of the
funniest things of all to me. l also
think there’s an interesting dynamic
of women “straightening out" men
or trying to manipulate them into
being something different, That
struggle is always human, and really
good for comedy.
PROVENZA: And they're usually both
right and both wrong—that's what's
really funny.
APATOW: | learned slowly over the
years that I'm wrong about most
everything. In every fight, there's
that struggle to accept the fact that
you're wrong about something and
how hard you'll hold on to being right
PROVENZA: Your movies say a lot
aboutthe male-female dynamic,
evolution into manhood, and our
assumptions about al/that sort of
stuff, think. But they're not always
appreciated for that, are they?
APATOW: People see the movies
through their subjective eyes. Some
critics said they're sexist, but to me
the whole pointis that there's no
way the guys could be worse with
their behavior; it's about their struggle
PHOTOGRAPHBY DAN DION /RETNA LTD.
“Tfind idiots to be really funny... |
Because they rea mess, and ite
funny to watch people who area
mess try to get it together."
to grow up, to be able to handlea
family and kids and whatever. With
something like Seth saving his bong
during an earthquake before thinking
about his pregnant girlfriend, I'm
trying to show the worst side ofa man.
And | should also be able to show
the worst side of a woman, which
sometimes is being pregnant and
hormonal and kicking your boyfriend
out of the car in the middle of a major
intersection. You go into nesting
mode, your hormones are kicking in,
you're та panic trying to hold it all
together, and опсе їп а while it just.
blows—at the man you're with, or
atsomeone you bump into walking
down the street. That is very real, very
human, and also very funny.
In Knocked Up, | tried to Show а
really unpleasant relationship; two
people that don't really work well
together. | always thought, These
two might not last three weeks after
this movie ends. It doesn't even imply
they'll be together forever, but | like
that they're saying, “We screwed
up and got pregnant, but we owe it
to the baby to at least find out if we
could like each other. It'd be wrong
to not find out." That's the point of
the movie: They don't just blow each
other off. It's an original premise,
because people don't do that, People
usually just head out of town.
And some people say, "Oh, come
on, a woman like that would never
go for him." Well, a goofy Jewish guy
being with a gorgeous woman is
not all that crazy. If you need proof,
Google Image me and my wife. Look
at my wife, then look at me.
PROVENZA: | walked out of Pineapple
Express—a very funny movie—think-
ing,/ don't know whether this is a
pro-pot oranti-pot movie.
APATOW: That movie started
because | watched True Romance,
and Brad Pitt played this guy who
was high in one scene, but he was so
funny | wished they were chasing his
character instead of Christian Slater,
because it must be really hard to run
away when you're that high. And |
thought, How great would it be to do
а Cheech € Chong movie but with
Jerry Bruckheimer-level action? A big
action movie, but they are just high
out oftheir minds.
Ihadread Superbad, but couldn't
getanybody to make it, so | thought,
If Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg
wrote this stoner/action-movie idea,
maybe that's more commercial. | don't
know why we thought the pot movie
could be more commercial than the
liquor movie, but Superbad ended
up happening, and in the middle of
shooting that, the studio said, "Since
thealcohol movie seems to be going
well, maybe we should make that pot
movie, too."
Now, Seth and Evan always said,
“Superbad is the kind of movie we
wish someone would make. It's the
way wetalk, the kind of comedy we
like, the kind of action we like,” so it's
been like hooking into two people
withthis unique perspective as
young guys; how they look at the
world and what they want to see.
Icantalkto them, like, "You have these |
friends in Superbad, but other than
trying to get liquor, what's the movie
about?" | said to them, "It's really
about two guys that love each other
andareaboutto separate probably
forthe rest of their lives, andthey're
heartbroken and mad that they can't
stay together." That's the engine
of Superbad.
With Pineapple Express, we kept
saying, "What is this about under-
neathallthisaction and comedy and
thistone?"
PROVENZA: Is it about class division?
Self-delusion? Alternative realities?
APATOW: Our friend lan Roberts from
Upright Citizens Brigade did the table
reading and said, "My favorite thing
isthatit's a story about a guy trying
to figure out if he's really friends with
his drug dealer or if he's just his drug
dealer.”
And that was kind ofin there, but
suddenly that became the story that
motored the whole movie: “Am | really
friends with this guy?"
But it’s about Seth's character,
who smokes pot, thinks it’s okay
to smoke pot, doesn't think it's
dangerous, doesn't think there's any
collateral damage, but he looks down
onthe guy who sels it to him. He
slowly realizes smoking pot causes so
much damage to him—and to other
people by supporting, like, a whole
crime industry.
| kinda wanted to say there are
probably as many people getting
killed from pot dealers as from coke
dealers. Seth and | had an ongoing
debate while making the movie.
Seth always said it was notan anti-
pot movie; | always said it was: “Не
smokes pot, has a terrible job, dates
a high school girl, for the whole movie
the dealer's trying to kill him, then at
the end he realizes, ‘Maybe | shouldn't
live this way.
Seth said, “Nah, he'll probably just
keep smoking pot.”
So you can see it and think it shows
the joys of smoking pot, but ... all /
know is he gets his ear blown off,
almost dies, and basically gets about
20 other people killed—so you'd
kinda hope that the next day he
wouldn't run straight to the pot dealer.
But that’s for people to debate.
My daughters are 12 and 7, and |
think alot about what they're going
to make of my movies. Will they think
they'reunethical? That I'm promoting
pot use? What I tell my 12-year-old
is that | find idiots to be really funny.
That's why they curse in my movies
or smoke pot all the time: because
they're a mess, and it's funny to watch
people who area mess try to get it
together.
What's funny is some conservative
website had Knocked Up and
Superbad on their list of top-ten
movies. They said, one says, “Don't
have an abortion,” and the other says,
“Don't have sex before marriage."
Neither is specifically what we
intended to say, but... Beneath it all,
hopefully, is something positive to
think about.
At the end of the day, | want to
get my thoughts across and give the
crowd a great time. Those things can
work together +
Fromthe book
iSatiristas! Comedians,
Contrarians, Raconteurs
& Vulgarians by Paul
Provenza and Dan Dion.
Copyright © 2010 by
Paul Provenza. Photographs by Dan
Dion. Reprinted by permission of It
Books, an imprint of HarperCollins
Publishers.
55
E] [moving pictures]
SUMMER
SIZZLE
Here's а dirty little secret: Your c j ra
THEVETERANS: JESSICA BIEL (THE A-TEAM)
Biel got her start as a preacher's daughter on 7th
Heaven, but we've brur
уоуед wat
cutie shed that good-girl irr
arisqué, underage photo shoot in Gear wi
randa
аз а slutty roommate in Rules of Attrac
supertoned crossbow expert in Blade: Trinity. She
went topless as an exotic dancer in Powder Blue
but we expect her to stay in uniform as a lieutenant
pursuing the A-Team in this summer's campy
revival. Still, you'll wish she was pursuing you.
MEGANFOX (JONAH HEX)
Fox has been busy appearing on ju
tabout every
list with "hottest" or “sexiest” in the title—
deservedly so. Millions
for more Megan since she bent over that
down Camaro in a denim miniskirt in Trar
rmers,
seeing her in short-
formers: Revenge of the Fal
She even spoofed her image in a 2010 Super B
cial for
something or other. V
56 PENTHOUS!
orts ona motorcycle in Trans-
Апа! that's
e'll star as Aspen Matthews in the film
thom. Like she hasn't given comics
> dreams already.—Kara Wahlgren
to see her heat-packing prostitute here
notenough
adaptation о
nerds enough v
GEMMA ARTERTON (PRINCE OF PERSIA)
British bombshell plays a kidnapped prin
in
this blockbuster videogame adaptation, but she's
The former Bond Girl can hold
де Jake Gyllen
she might even teach him a thing or two.
Hot History: In Quantum of Solace, her gorgeous
redhead bedded Bond, but we prefer her full-frontal
glish comedy Three and Out—why
use your imagination when you don't have to?
What's Next: The title role of a flirty columnist in
201
no damsel in distres
in action sequence
haal—hell
scenesin the
Tamara Drewe.
KATHERYN WINNICK (KILLERS)
ss this blonde beauty. She's taken home
in the dian Nationals for tae kwon
black belt in karate, and
Don't cr
silver medal
do, holds
Katheryn — Ж ды
Winnick
>
hopes to pla
a female equivalent of Jason Bourne.
n with Katherine Heigl in
Thrill of the chase, indeed.
With numerous threesomes to choose
Kiss Me Again, it's hard to pic! tandout
e. But we're still fantasizing about her character
ked in the tub with Elena (Mirelly Taylor).
What's Next: A lead role inthe thriller Choose anda
partin the comedy Loveand Other Drugs.
а:
о
This New York-raised comedian got our attention
Vince Vaughn vehicle
sucked, but Greek
el cowrotethe
farshall foil, played
plucky castaway in the
Couples Retreat. Ti
vat movie kind
looks more
romising—Jason
script about his Forgetting Sarah !
by Russell Brand; Jonah Hill costars.
Hot History: Her scantily clad scenes in Couples
ве aved the flick from bein
What's Next: Answers to Nothing with Dane Cook
atotal washout
The Real
th of fame-seeking camera whores, but this
toad Yt acting career. She's
ER, CSI: NY, and Castle, and
ed in Samurai Girl and last year's sexy horror
rority Row. This buddy flick boasts some
htly more recognizable names—such as Adam
dler, Chris Rock, and Steve Buscemi.
A Hooters girl in/ Now Pronounce
was one of the few highlights
What's Next: Kicking ass in the trippy action-thriller
from Zack Snyder (300, Watchmen)
Vorld has "gifted" us with 23 seasons
alum has shifte
had small roles o
star
(HAWK) LESTER COHEN/WIREIMAGE
FRED PROUSER/REUTERS/CORBI
PHOTOGRAPHS BY (WI
[moving pictures]
We have a steamy Italian playing a sorceress
ina blockbuster fantasy, а sexy Brit playing a
ballerina ina sci-fi flick, anda cute Canuck playing
anews producer in a romantic comedy—opposite
Nicolas Cage, Matt Damon, and Harrison Ford
respectively. Seriously, how were we supposed
to choose just one veteran vixen for this month?
Screw the recent hike in ticket prices—just spring
for atriple-header.
If her sexy Brazilian accent doesn't captivate
you, her sexy Brazilian body will. She plays a
killer who's sent to an alien planet to be hunted
for sport. We don't expect her to survive, but at
least it's likely that she'll look good trying.
Hot History: She played a prostitute in both
Blindness and Lower City—and, fortunately, got
completely naked
What's Next: Another prostitute role in Eleven
Minutes.
Monica Bellucci
Therelative newcomer captivated critics with her
dramatic performance on the therapy-driven HBO
show In Treatment, but Tim Burton introduced this
former ballerina to the rest of the world as Alice in
Wonderland. She'll test her comedic chops as the
daughter of Julianne Moore and Annette Bening in
this Sundance hit.
Hot History: We don't usually give props to implied
nudity, but when Alice literally outgrows her clothes
and hides the buff behind some bushes, we let our
imagination run wild.
What's Next: A period piece, unfortunately; her
next big role will be Jane Eyre
Mia Wasikowska
PHOTOGRAPH:
DANIELE VEND
(РА
+
Alice Braga
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Stephanie Szostak
Zoe Lister Jones
Blanca Soto
Emily Blunt
She's been in big-budget stinkers, such as The
Grudge 2and Beatime Stories, but this Aussie babe
is better known for cherry-picking her costars—
she’s been linked to Russell Brand, Adam Brody, and
Topher Grace. You'll be jealous of the gawky Jay
Baruchel when another girl who's out of his league
falls for him in this family-friendly flick
Hot History: She showed off some impressive T&A
in the 2008 thriller Restraint
What's Next: Next summer's Fury Road, the fourth
film in the Mad Max series. It's been 25 years in the
making, so yeah, we're worried.
The pint-sized Canadian scared the crap out of us in
Hard Candy, then won us over as the wisecracking
pregnant teen in Juno. We expect to be impressed
by her again in this sci-fi flick from Dark Knight
writer/director Christopher Nolan, which takes
place within the architecture of the mind.
Hot History: Her brief nude scene in The Tracey
Fragments proved that she's definitely an adult
What's Next: The We and the |, a sci-fi flick from
Michel Gondry.
Tear your eyes away from Angelina Jolie in this
thrillerto admi er alterna-sexy costar. This
modern Renaissance woman has managed to
release a record, write and star ina one-woman
show, cowrite and star in the feature film Breaking
Upwards, and knock out deadpan humor in Adult
Swim's Delocated. And she's only 27.
Hot History: The semiautobiographical Breaking
Upwards opens with her having sex. 'Nuff said.
What's Next: Playing a grad student who reunites
with a high school friend-turned-soldier in Stuck
Between Stations
French mademoiselle Szostak and former Mexi-
can beauty queen Soto may not play the most
endearing characters in this comedy, but they're
easy on the eyes—and with Paul Rudd, Steve Carell
and Zach Galifianakis starring, you should still get
plenty of laughs.
Hot History: Szostak made love to women
and men in How to Seduce Difficult Women and
She Likes Girls, though her sex was mostly under
the covers. Soto showed little skin in a sexy red
getup as the divine Aphrodite in the Mexican film
Divina Confusión.
What's Next: Nothing on tap yet, but we're hoping
toseea lot more of both. And yes, we mean what
you think we mean.
60 РЕМТНО!
[moving pictures]
This petite, tattooed beauty has tantalized us for
year
through such so-so fare as Prozac Nation, Black
Snake Moan, and After Life for the chance to see
her bare her amazing curves. We doubt she'll
disappoint in this porn-themed comedy starring
Stephen Dorff as a wannabe adult actor.
even if her films haven't. We've suffered
Winstead plays the title character's love interest in
this comic-book adaptation in which Pilgrim has
tofend off his would-be girlfriend's seven evil exes.
Kendrick plays Pilgrim's sister, who we're assuming
will be s/ightly less uptight than her characte:
Up in the Air.
Hot History: Neither of these babes has gotten
naked yet on camera, but here's hoping. Winstead's
plunging bikini in Factory Girl gave us an idea of
what we're missing.
What's Next: For Kendrick, more Twilight shit and а
Seth Rogan vehicle; Winstead will be running from
The Thing.
This one-time San Diego Charger cheerleader is
best known as Вийуз frenemy Cordelia on Buffy
the Vampire Slayer, and she's appeared in some
of our guiltiest pleasures, such as Veronica Mars,
Charmed, and Greek. We're looking forward to
seeing her kick some ass (alongside a truly bad
cast; see our preview in Flicks) in this action-packed
blockbuster.
high standard set by Phoebe Cates in Fast Tim
Ridgemont High.
What's Next: The David Fincher-directed gı
novel adaptation The Killer.
арһіс-
She was an up-and-coming star in the early aughts
brightening the screen in roles large and small, but
e really hit the big time as the feisty Nyota Uhura
in last year's Star Trek and as Neytiri in Avatar. This
is her third 2010 release, following The Losers and
Death ata Funeral.
Hot History: Don't miss the scene in Star Trek
> strips down to her bra and miniskirt, a
when
Penthouse movie-award winner
What's Next: The dark comedy Burning Palms, then
a Star Trek sequel.
So far, she's only appeared in bit roles in a few
feature films. Her part in this Jennifer Aniston/Jason
Bateman comedyis also likely to be of the blink-
and-you'll-miss-it variety, but we're hoping it will
pavethe way for bigger things. We could happily
20 minutes.
Hot History: None yet
What's Next: A comedy about a guy who's
transformed into a girl and falls for his best friend
-OURTESY
(CARPENTER) FRANK ТРАРРЕЯ)
ALDANA) SCREEN GEMS/C
TION
KENDRICK) ARMANDO GALLO/RETNA LTD.
PHOTOGRAPHS BY
EVERETT COLES
corel
HELLESTAD/CORBIS, (STEELE) LARRY
8
8
е
E
ed, buxom blonde has impressed us
ith her body (of work, of course) in the adult
industry. We're interested to see what she'll bring to
the table in this so-cheesy-looking-it's-sure-to-be-
awesome horror film about killer fish.
Hot History: Her entire filmography, duh. The recent
Pirates Ilis her biggest hit so far
What's Next: As much as we want her to find cross-
Kelli Barrett over su: if she wants it, we're praying she
n't ditch adult films altogether
actress and indie songstress has appeared
mostly in Italian films, but she'll star as George
Clooney's love interest in this intense thriller. The
it, that body, those eyes ... how can we not fall
in lust?
Hot History: She's been nude in four of her Italian
films, but we humbly suggest Ora o Mai Pil. Who
it's about? You won't be able to take
es off her to read the subtitles anyway.
What's Next: Apparently nothing, but we expect
that to change when this film comes out Ota
BB [stand-upguys]
WIE
NI)
In both his podcast and his potential new show for Comedy Central,
Marc Maron poses the central question of our age.
By John Bolster
he title of comedian Marc Maron's recently launched
podcast, WTF, pretty much sums up not only Maron's
worldview, but also his style of comedy, and, quite
possibly, his core audience's take on why he isn't
more famous among mainstream fans. Maron's bristly
comedy may not be for everyone, but if you caught
one of his 44 appearances on Conan O'Brien (more
than апу other comic), chances are you laughed and
remember his face, if not his name. The predominant
moodis anger, and the subjects range from politics to
life's everyday moments of aggravation
In September 2009, after stints as a talk-radio
host on Air America and on L.A. station KTLK, Maron
decided to go italone, launching his no-holds-
barred podcast, which he records in his garage. He's
interviewed top comics, such as Jim Gaffigan, Zach Galifianakis, and Bill Burr,
as wellas such offbeat guests as porn star (and occasional Penthouse model)
Dana DeArmond. The new venture found an audience almost instantly, and
currently pulls in an average of 30 to 40 thousand listeners each episode. It was
named the No. 3 podcast on iTunes’ Best of 2009 "Rewind."
Maron talked to Penthouse recently about WTF (both the podcast and the
pilot of the same name that he's developing for Comedy Central), porn, and
some war stories from his early days in the comedy biz.
How does the pilot you're pitching It's cohosted by comedian Chelsea
to Comedy Central differfrom your | Peretti. For the pilot | went out and did 3
podcast? They both have the same a correspondence piece. Е
пате. А E
? x
Yeah, | hope that doesn't become What did you cover? i]
It was about Dumpster-diving with E
anissue. The theme ofthe pilot is a = E
Д freegans,” to find out what's happen- 8
what the fuck?, but it's more of a perte all nune ara ШОР uem 9
fast-moving, joke-driven show with a У E
some correspondence-type pieces Ha—freegans. That's a new one to 5
anda panel of comics at the end. me, but | don't get out much. Though
62 PENTHOUSE.COM
I can guess what it means.
Yeah, they're living off the garbage
and spreading their local food around.
They were very interesting, and kind
of cute—it was a couple. But | did end
up getting a face full of garbage juice
in the Dumpster, which was heinous.
What happened?
It was disgusting, dude, | stepped the
wrong way, and because it had been
raining there was, like, three or four
inches of Dumpster juice at the
bottom, and | stepped in and the juice
splashed up, into my eyes and face
andit was disgusting. asked the
freegans, "Has that ever happened
to you?" Because it got in my eyes,
sol'mthinking now I've got worms,
orsomething. They said no, it'd never
happened to them.
In your podcast, you interview a
lotof comics, some of whom rose
through the ranks with you. What's
your best story from the struggling,
early days of your career?
Iwas working at a chichi coffee place
in Harvard Square when | started
doing [comedy] road work. At the
time, there were a few different
agencies that contracted out comedy
nights at bars and hotels within the
entire New England region—like five
or six states. So you would sometimes
drive hundreds of miles to open for
another act. One time | drove nine and
a half hours to Machias, Maine, the
furthest point east in Maine. And
| was opening for an R-rated hypno-
tist named Frank Santos. That's a lot
offucking miles to reflect on your
career decision
Speaking of adult ratings, you also
spoke to porn starand Penthouse
model Dana DeArmond. What
surprised you most about her?
| was surprised that she came to
my house without a handler, ora
boyfriend to watch her back. She
drove up ina Prius. She didn't dress
filthy; she dressed sort of alt-cute. |
also think it was interesting how she
separated the idea of sex and the idea
that, you know, this is what | do, this is
my job, andit's a difficult job, and I'm
goodatit. And it takes a lotto do what
Ido. Апа! also have a life. She was
definitely on her game. She knows
what she's up to.
You have ambivalent feelings about
porn, and were introduced to it in a
pretty dramatic fashion. Can you tell
us aboutthat?
There was this nasty porno theater
on Route 66 in Albuquerque called
the Pyramid Theater. My friends and |
got in with fake IDs when we were 15
We went їп and there were people up
front, arched back in their chairs, you
know, mostly guys—it was just nasty,
But the porno—I had seen pictures
of sex before, and cartoons, but this
was my first real motion-picture
representation of sex, so it just burned
its way into my brain: Some guy ends
up ina hotel room with a girl. They
start fucking on the bed, and she's
got this huge tattoo of Satan's head
onher stomach—and the mouth and
beardis her pussy. As he's fucking her,
she keeps saying, "Fuck me! Fuck the
devil! Fuck me! Fuck the devil!" You
know, in retrospect, | probably could
have started with something a little
lighter than that Ota
63
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until my fiancé is back from
Iraq for good. My message
toallthetroops is: Keep your
heads up and get your fucking
asses home realsoon.”
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Vitalstats:
25yearsold
5'3"; 36D-26-34
Hometown:
Orange County, California.
What do you do fora living?
I'ma pornstar, but! do more than
films. Ido alot of live web shows,
1һауе а sex toy modeled after me, Ido
feature dancing sometimes, and | run.
my websites. Being an adult star these
days involves a lot more than shooting.
sexscenes.
Favorite food:
Ican't name just one thing, but llove a
goodstrip steak from time to time.
Favorite drink:
Let's just say Itry to be careful when
I'm drinking shots. Those can get you
introuble real fast.
Whatelsegetsyouintotrouble?
Iseta budgetformyself as ооп аз!
seea blackjack table. I've been known
to sneakoutof my roomto hit the
table inthe middle of the night.
Favorite vacation spot:
Iove Las Vegas. Once, when | was
staying at the Hard Rock, Igota
little tipsy. left my clothes inthe
cabana at the pool. | walked through
the hotel in my barely there bikini,
tits hanging out, in cute gold heels.
Butin Vegas, that fits right in.
Yourdream vacation:
wish could go over to Iraq to visit
the troops, but don't think the
military flies out porn stars to meet
with the soldiers.
WE'RE LOOKING FOR THE HOTTEST GIRLS
INAMERICA. GO TO PENTHOUSEMODELS COM.
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[peepshow] 88
ENTHOLI 2010
PENTHOUSE
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[2010worldcup preview] Bil
AFRICAN
ADVENTURE
South Africa will make history this June asthe first nation
onits continent to host the world's biggest sporting event.
By John Bolster ү
here have been 18 World Cups to date, When the tournament goes to South Africa in
almost all staged in either Europe or South and ^ June, you can expect more of the unexpected. And
Central America. Any time the tournament has maybe not just onthe field: There have been con-
, been sêtina nontraditionallocation, such as cerns about staging glitches and security issues.
the United States in1994 or Japan and South One thing is certain: It will bean eventful four weeks. /
Korea in 2002;the results have'gone a little bit Kick back and check out the skinny on all 32
/ haywire. Nothing too crazy—perennial favorite teams—along with alook atplayers to watch, the
> Brazil won both of those tournaments—but reason for that hornet-swarm sound you'll hear
x / СВ in'94theUnitedStates stunned pretourney during TV broadcasts, a spotlight on the best
- favorite Colombia ingroup play, and in 2002, firsteround matchups—and, of course, our parallel f
E relative minnows Turkey and South Korea both Tournament of International Hotties representing 16 е
went all the way to the semifinals. a teamsinthe Cup. a
2 . 1
/
i
7
IAS NORTHCUÍGETTY,
'ON/AMA/CORBIS,
ERAS
--4
f Ч
PHOTOGRAPHS BY (BACKGROUND) T
,
(FIFA WORLD CUP BALD MATTH
FRANCE
MEXICO
URUGUAY
SOUTH AFRICA
France qualified for the
tournament in highly
dubious fashion: after
a double-handball by
forward Thierry Henry
(Barcelona) set up the
winning goal against
Irelandin their do-or-
die playoff in Paris last
November. Their reward?
This relatively easy group,
outof which they should
advance, with stars
Henry, Nicolas Anelka
(Chelsea), and Franck
Ribery (Bayern Munich)
leading the way. Look for Mexico and its talented
cropofyoung players, including Giovanidos —
Santos (Galatasaray, Turkey), Carlos Vela (Arsenal),
and Javier “Chicharito” Hernández (signed by
Manchester United just before we went to press) to
finish second. Uruguay only madeit to South Africa
by edging Costa Rica in a playoff, but they have an
experienced, pedigreed team, and two dangerous
strikersin Diego Forlan (Atletico Madrid) and Luis
Suarez (Ajax, Netherlands). They'll challenge Mexico
foradvancement out of this group. The host country
has gone on to the second round of every World
Cupto date, and South Africa will do everything in
its power to keep that streak alive. But they'll need
striker Benni McCarthy (West Ham)—who was
bouncing back from a knee injury when we went to
press—and midfielder Steven Pienaar (Everton) to
be firing onall cylinders to have a chance.
World Cup of Hotties entrants
France: Marion Cotillard, She's quintessentially
French—she played Edith Piafin La Vieen Rose—
and we like her offbeat beauty.
Mexico: Aleida Nunez. Habanero hot.
ARGENTINA
NIGERIA
GREECE
SOUTH KOREA
Argentina has the world's best player, Lionel Messi
—anda supporting cast of superstars. Messi was
in white-hot form for his club, Barcelona, this past
spring, and if he keeps it up in South Africa, he could
carry his team to World Cup glory. We're picking
Nigeria to finish second in this difficult group
because ofthe home-continent factor, their сойес-
tive speed and power, and the notion that they'll
build on the momentum of their third-place finish at
the Africa Cup of Nations this past January. Greece
shocked the world by winning the 2004 European
Championship, but has done very little on the inter-
82 PENTHOUSECOM
national stage since.
They play a defen-
sive (read: boring)
style thatrelies on
counterattacks for
goals. But these
tactics are well
suited to this group.
They may make
for some 0-0 and
1-0 snoozers, but
they might also get the Greeks to the next round
Manchester United midfielder Ji-Sung Park is the
star and leader of South Korea, but after him the
ranks are thin. South Korea lacks a genuine goal-
scoring threat, and they'll need one to break down
defensive-minded Greece in their opener on June
12. We don't see it happening—or Korea surviving
longer than three games.
World Cup of Hotties entrants
Nigeria: Sandra Otohwo. Sheis like the apple juice:
very fine.
Greece: Sofia Georgiou. Greece may not advance
inthe soccer, but in the Tournament of Hotties, Ms.
Georgiou could winit all
ENGLAND
SLOVENIA
After the World Cup draw in December, British
tabloids called this the "best group since the Beatles"
forEngland. The Three Lions should advance with
relative ease—however the team has had more
than its share of off-field controversy in 2010, most
notably the John Terry-Wayne Bridge scandal.
(Terry, who's married, had an affair with Bridge's ex-
girlfriend, who reportedly got knocked up and had
an abortion at Terry's expense. Terry was stripped
of his captaincy in the aftermath of the revelations,
and Bridge withdrew himself from consideration
for South Africa 2010.) These issues could distract
England—but don't bet оп її, not with the potent
Y Wayne Rooney (Manchester United) on the team.
There was nearly
as muchrejoicing in
the United States
camp asin England's
when this group was
announced. Yet the
Americans cannot take
anything for granted,
and they will have to
adjust to not being the
underdog, something
newforthem. The
team struggled with
injuries all winter,
butiftop players
Landon Donovan,
Clint Dempsey, Jozy
PHOTOGRAPHS BY (СЮМА!
IMAGES, (SANDRA ОТОНУ
Altidore, Oguchi Onyewu, and Tim Howard are
in form, they should get out of the group. Algeria
reached the semis of the Africa Cup of Nations, and
they have two solid defenders in Glasgow Rangers
centerback Madjid Bougherra and Portsmouth left
back Nadir Belhadj. They also like their chances of
advancing. Slovenia got to its first World Cup ever
(the nation broke away from Yugoslavia in 1991)
with defense: In ten qualifiers, Slovenia conceded
just four goals, They will be tough to break down.
E World Cup of Hotties entrants
England: Keeley Hazell. Good God-a-mighty.
United States: Christina Hendricks, Look at her
with all those curves and us with no brakes.
GROUP Т)
GERMANY
SERBIA
AUSTRALIA
GHANA
A wise man once said, "Soccer is a simple game; 22
men chase a ball for 90 minutes and at the end, the
Germans win." Since 1966, Germany has won the
World Cup twice, played in four finals, and finished
third on two occasions. The wise man was right.
Even though all three of their Group D opponents
will be competitive, we expect Germany, with
talents such as captain Michael Ballack (Chelsea)
and winger Bastian Schweinsteiger (Bayern
Munich), to do what it always does.
Po 3
SS EN
N
у
WAYNE ROONEY LANDON DONOVAN
England United States
He had a sensational season
with Manchester United this
year, leading the Premier
League in scoring as we went
to press, and fulfilling the
vast potential he's shown
eversince his debut with
Everton as a 16-year-old in
2002. So whatif he looks like
Shrek?
After three previous
unsuccessful stints in
Europe, Donovan finally
broke through across the
pond this past winter,
excelling for Everton ofthe
Premier League during a
ten-week loan deal. Ifthe
U.S. does some damage this
summer, he's sure to be at
thecenterofit.
LIONEL MESSI
Argentina
During one torrid stretch
this season with Barcelona,
Messi scored three goals in
опе game, two and an assist
in the next, and then three
in the game after that. He's
already in soccer's pantheon
with the likes of Pelé and
Maradona
In March, England
superstar Rooney was
asked about Serbia's
team and said, “Serbia?
Who plays for them?”
—even though his Man-
chester United team-
mate, Nemanja Vidic, is
the leader of the Serbian
backline, Rooney was
kidding, and he knows
Serbia is no joke: They lost just onceinninegames А
before qualifying, and in addition to their badass
defense (featuring Borussia Dortmund's Neven
Subotic, who played for the United States at the
U-17 level), they'll line up Inter Milan midfielder
Dejan Stankovic and the imposing six-foot-seven
Nikola Zigic (Valencia) at striker. Australia boasts
Everton star Tim Cahill, Galatasaray's Harry Kewell,
Palermo's Mark Bresciano, and an excellent keeper
in Fulham's Mark Schwarzer; Ghana can throw out
one of the world's best midfields, including Chel-
sea's Michael Essien (if healthy), Inter Milan's Sulley
Muntari, and Stephen Appiah of Bologna. This may
not be the Group of Death, but itis no cakewalk.
# World Cup of Hotties entrants
Germany: Nadja Auermann. Her legs should be in
Guinness World Records. Oh, wait—they are.
Serbia: Dragana Atlija. She somehow failed to place
in the Top 15 of the 2009 Miss Universe pageant. We
want an investigation
ANDRES INIESTA
Spain
Rooney called Iniesta "the
best player in the world
atthe moment" after the
Spaniard's Barcelona blanked
Manchester United in the
2009 Champions League
final. If you're looking fora
genius atthe subtleties of
midfield play, here's your guy.
CRISTIANO RONALDO
Portugal
Не missed more than a
month of Real Madrid's
season this year with an.
ankle injury, but Ronaldo was
rounding in to form down
thestretch, even as Messi
and Rooney were getting the
global headlines. That could
motivate the 2008 World
Player of the Year to reclaim
the spotlight in South Africa.
83
В [2010 worldcuppreview]
The Netherlands went 8-0 in qualifying with 17 a
goals for and two against. Clockwork Orange wasin
full effect. They have Wesley Sneijder (Inter Milan)
running the show in midfield and Arjen Robben
(Bayern Munich) terrorizing opponents on the
wing. If Robin van Persie (Arsenal) gets healthy,
they're capable of a deep, deep run into the tourney.
Few would have pegged Denmark to get out of
their qualifying group, with Sweden and Portugal
standing in their way, but advance the Danes did
with one game to spare. They'rean organized team,
with potent attackers in Nicklas Bendtner (Arsenal),
Jon Dahl Tomasson (Feyenoord, Holland), and
Soren Larsen (five goals in seven appearances for
Duisburg in Germany's second division as of press
time). Cameroon striker Samuel Eto'o (Inter Milan)
isas dangerous as they come, but after him and
Arsenal midfielder Alex Song, the Indomitable
Lions (Best nickname ever? Best nickname ever.)
thin out considerably. Japan plays with an attractive
up-tempo style, but with a largely domestic-based
squadthis time around, they probably don't have the
horses to survive this group. Former Glasgow Celtic
star Shunsuke Nakamurais their leader, and 23-year-
old Shinji Okazaki (Shimizu S-Pulse, Japan), who has
16 goalsin 24 games for Japan, is on the rise.
World Cup of Hotties entrants
Netherlands: Yolanthe Cabau van Kasbergen.
She's been linked with Sneijder, and she's as saucy
as her name is long.
Denmark: Caroline Fleming. She's a baroness, and
she's been linked to Bendtner. Sorry, fellas
ITALY
| PARAGUAY
SLOVAK!
NEW ZEALAND
If Group G (coming up) is this tournament's Group
of Death, this one is the Group of Life, at least for
Italy: The Azzurri should breeze right through
it, even if they are notorious for slow starts in
84 PENTHOUSE.COM
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT BUZZING SOUND?
Watch any World Cup
game this summer (with
the sound on, thatis)
and your ears will be
assaulted by a persistent.
droning noise. It sounds
like millions of angry—and
slightly drunk—hornets
trying to swarm, but it's
actually the sound of
thousands of vuvuzelas,
yard-long plastic horns,
being blownin arrhythmic
international tournaments. Andrea Pirlo (AC
Milan) will pull the strings in midfield in front of
bulldog ball-winner Gennaro Gattuso (AC Milan)
while Fabio Cannavaro (Juventus) holds down the
backline. Up top, Italy could send out New Jersey-
born striker Giuseppe Rossi (Villarreal), Whoever
makes the final cut will see plenty of goal-scoring
chancesin this group.
Paraguay opens against the defending champs,
Italy, but after that game they should be able to
secure the points necessary to advance. Strikers
Nelson Valdez (Borussia Dortmund) and Roque
Santa Cruz (Manchester City) are the big guns.
Tattooed, shaven-headed Martin Skrtel (Liverpool)
anchors Slovakia's defense, while midfielder Marek
Hamsik—who lit it up for Napoli this season—sparks
the offense. We wouldn't be shocked if the Slovaks
edged Paraguay for second place here.
Itis something ofa cliché at this point to say that
there are no easy games in modern world soccer, but
it's true. Except for New Zealand's opponents in this
group. Sorry to our Kiwi readers, but beyond central
defender and Major League Soccer alum Ryan
Nelsen (Blackburn), your teamis devoid of top-class
players. That game against Italy? It could get ugly.
World Cup of Hotties entrants
Italy: Federica Ridolfi. She beat out a crowded
field of smoking hot Italian wives and girlfriends.
Paraguay: Mareike Baumgarten Oroa. Long and
lean and on the cover of (many) a magazine.
BRAZIL
IVORY COAST
NORTHKOREA
Conventional wisdom holds that this is the
tourney's Group of Death. It's certainly a difficult
group, but after seeing Ivory Coast's defense
fall apart late against Algeria in the Africa Cup of
Nations this past January, we're having second
thoughts. Italso contains North Korea, whereas
Group D has no weak sisters. At any rate, Brazil will
advance. They remain the planet's best team, with
Lucio (Inter Milan) and Dani Alves (Barcelona) in
defense, Real Madrid superstar Kaka in midfield,
anda number of devastating attacking options
fashion by masses of South
African soccer fans.
The origin ofboththe
name and the device itself
arein dispute, but one thing
iscertain: They became
popularat South African
gamesin the 1990s and
have firmly taken root in that
country’s soccer culture.
Somuchsothat when a
banonthem wascalled
for during last summer's
Confederations Cup in South
Africa—on the grounds that
they were irritating and
distracting to players on the
field—the motion was put
down by the South African
Football Association, which
argued that the vuvuzela
жаза critical component of a
genuine South African soccer
experience.
Getused to them or watch
the games on mute.
В
IDA CALFAT/GETTY IMAGE!
SMI(MAREIKA BAUMGARTEN OROA) HO/RE:
(we're partial to Sevilla's i
Luis Fabiano). Portugal
cried and moaned Т
aboutthis draw,
but with itstalent—
including defender
Pepe (Real Madrid),
winger Nani, who had
an excellent year with
Manchester United, and
Cristiano Ronaldo, the 2008 FIFA World Player of
the Year—they should be able to survive it. Ivory
Coast was in the Group of Death in 2006, and got it
again for 2010. Still, with the lethal Didier Drogba, his
talented Chelsea teammate Salomon Kalou, and
Sevilla midfielder Didier Zokora, they will contend.
Thelast time North Korea qualified for a World Cup
was 1966, when it sprung one of the biggest upsets
in tournament history, shocking Italy 1-0 to advance
tothe quarterfinals. There will be no repeats this
year as North Korea gets a World Cup rebaptism by
fire, facing Brazil inits opening game. Three and out.
(Valencia), who has an astounding 37 goals in 55
games for his country. Their midfield sparkles like
the main case at Harry Winston's: Xavi, Andres
Iniesta (both Barcelona), Xabi Alonso (Real
Madrid), and Arsenal superstar Cesc Fabregas—if
hegets the start over Valencia's David Silva. They
should walk right through this group. And now for
our sleeper call ofthe tournament: Honduras has
multiple players on the books at European clubs,
yet will be castas a decided underdog in South
Africa—which should work in their favor. Amado
Guevara (Motagua, Honduras) is a crafty midfielder,
Wilson Palacios just signeda fat five-year deal with
Champions League contenders Tottenham, and
David Suazo (Genoa) isa deadly goal-scorer when
healthy. They're taking second in this group. Of
course, Chile, with 21-year-old Udinese forward Alexis
Sanchez and Real Zaragoza striker Humberto Suazo,
will have somethingto say about that. Switzerland
could go three and out, or could advance to the
quarterfinals. They have experienced forwards in
Alexander Frei (FC Basel) and Hakan Yakin (ЕС.
Lucerne), and they won their qualifying group, but
they've been inconsistent. Frankly we'd rather stay
out of it, much like the Swiss in international disputes,
but we're calling fourth place for them.
World Cup of Hotties entrants
Brazil: Cintia Dicker. As is the case with Brazil's
soccerteam, there is anastounding wealth of
options here. We went with the red-haired, freckle-
faced beauty, just to mix it up.
Portugal: Monica Carvalho. Hey, wanna passa very
pleasant 15 minutes? Google “Portuguese beauties.
SPAIN
HONDURAS
SWITZERLAND
The reigning European champions, Spain, are a
pretournament favorite, and they have quality |
World Cup of Hotties entrants
Spain: Eva Gonzalez. She's married to Spain keeper
Iker Casillas, and he's a very lucky man.
Honduras: Karla Molina. Va. Va. Voom +
from frontto back, starting with Liverpool forward
Fernando Torres and his strike partner David Villa
FIVEINTRIGUING FIRST-
UND MATCHUP:
lefinition.
All games will be on ESPN or ABC,
'e and in higl
SOUTHAFRICAVS.MEXICO | ENGLANDVS.UNITEDSTATES | ARGENTINA VS. NIGERIA GERMANY VS. SERBIA
шпелі June12 June12 June18
The World Cup openeris | Markyourcalendars,clear your These teams have met A critical first-round There isn't a more hard-
alwaysabigoccasion,and | schedules-thisisthebigone | severaltimesininternational matchup in the Group of nosed matchup on the
this will be no exception. The | forbothteams.TheU.S.maybe | competition (including the Death, Group G. A win for schedule than this meeting.
hosts will try to getoffon the | underestimated by fans across 1996 and 2008 Olympic either side would be huge, | ofrugged Serbia and World
right foot against a tough | thepond,butnotbytheplayers | gold-medal games), and butadraw seems likely. Cup giant Germany.
Mexicanteam.Bonus:ESPN | inEngland where Yanks Tim they always presentan
will broadcastit in 3-D. Howard, ClintDempsey.and | entertaining contrast of styles.
Landon Donovanexcelledthis
pastseason.
85
Я [alexis]
Alexis Texas has made her 34C-28-40 mark in the adult-entertainment industry, and the
25-year-old lovesthe variety the business bringsto her life. She also enjoys romantic dinner
dates, comedy shows, singing along to American Ido! on her Wii, and vacationing in Amsterdam.
We'll happily tolerate the /do/singing if that's what it takes to hang out with the blonde beauty.
Photographs by W. Lawrence Stevens
86 PENTHOUSE.COM
“Ilove being
naked. | feel more
comfortable nude
than! do with
clothes on! | don't
have to getinthe
mood fora photo
shoot because | get
tojust be me.”
“I'm pretty
adventurous, and
levenjoinedthe
Mile-High Club,
90 PENTHOUSE.COM.
"Ifl
mattered as much
“ E -
"е goals when! got into the
5 to һам
my big, гои
KING FOR THE HOTTEST GIRLS IN AMERICA.
GO TO PENTHOUSEMODELS.COM.
SEE MORE OF ALEXIS AT PENTHOUSE.COM.
B [oetorojects]
Justine and Jade posed for
photos in the clamshell
Justine is in when she
makes her entrance in
Caligula Maximus.
aligula
When a Penthouse Pet joins forces with one of New
York City's most exclusive nightclubs and a founding
member of the Classical Theatre of Harlem for an
off-Broadway show, the results are sinful and sexy.
96 PENTHOUSE.COM
eknow Penthouse
fansare familiar
with the story ofthe
infamous Roman
emperor Caligula,
as the VHS, DVD,
and Blu-ray releases of Bob
Guccione's equally infamous 1979
film have been best-sellers for
decades. Recently, а New York City
venue hosted performances of
Caligula Maximus, a new tale of the
emperor with songs, dancing, and
enough naked ladies to populate a
sorority house... or a Roman bath.
Randy Weiner, cowriter and copro-
ducerofthe musical/bacchanalia,
says, "It was more of an erotic circus.
We wantedto really blow it up and
take the world of [my nightclub] the
Box, whichis sort of wild, erotic, and
very le freak, and ри Е into Caligula."
Justine Joli, our 2008 Pet ofthe
Year Runner-Up, starred as Caesonia,
Caligula's third wife (played by Oscar
winner Helen Mirren in the 1979 film).
This was Justine's first foray on the
stage, andat first she was intimidated
bythe intimacy of the small theater.
It wasn't until my costar JerZ [Short]
said, Just play the dumb model; that
it clicked for me,” she says. “Once that
happened, | learned to play with the
rolea little more and really got into
character. Naturally, Justine had no
problem getting comfortable with the
idea of being almost naked for nearly
the entire show, alongside a dozen
other scantily clad or nude actresses.
The play focuses on the emperor's
last daysin power, with Caligula
facing his followers' growing
discontentment while pondering
the creation of his own religion to.
combat the rise of new monotheistic
faiths. The members of Caligula’
tribe participate in the emperor's
revival meeting," which boasts feats
ofstrength and orgiastic rituals, to say
nothing of nekkid Hula-hooping and
roller-skating
There were so many great things
іп the show," Justine says. "A 12-foot
golden cock, an aerialist whose feet
never touch the ground... If someone
didn't wantto focus on Caligula, there
were naked ladies doing different
things all over the stage. There was
always something going on.
It wasn't a Shakespeare play, it was
an event,” agreed Short, who played
Caligula's right-hand man. "It was
high-end guerrilla theater. We sang
vulgar songs, we had naked people—
it was new territory. "Oa
se
PHOTOGRAPH
No Pet project would be
complete without the sup-
port of fellow Penthouse
sex bombs, Our 2007 Pet of
the Year Runner-Up, Krista
Ayne, and Penthouse model
Anju Mcintyre (October
2009) were on hand on
opening night to support
Justine. The show was
not without its surprises:
Krista, who was completely
unaware that there would
be audience participation,
was brought onstage for
ascene;the surprised and
shy actress was a good
sport. "It's not exactly my
styleto beonstage like that,
especially with no warning,
but it's Justine!" Krista tells
us. “You love her and you'll
do anything for her."
The exotic Anju was
thrilledto meet Sweet
Sweetback's Baadasssss
Song's Melvin Van Peebles
atthe afterparty, and imme-
diately asked the legendary
blaxploitation film director
to pose for a photo with her.
Later that night, Justine
and the girls went to the Fat
Hippo on the Lower East
Side for a celebratory dinner
and drinks.
Justine was thrilled
to have friends and fans
come to the show, but says
thehighlight for her was
something much more
personal: "Having one of
my costars, a real theater
student who has studied the
craftfor more than ten years,
give mea'huzzah' and tell
me that | did really well was
ahuge deal.”
As the show's run con-
tinued, other Penthouse
alums checked it out,
Including Victoria "Dr. Z"
Zdrok, photographer Ellen
Stagg, October 2009 Pet
of the Month Ryan Keely,
2010 Pet of the Year Taylor
Vixen, and fetish model
Jade Vixen, who was fea-
tured in our March 2010
issue. Jade tells us, "To be
able to support Justine's
dreams makes me so
happy, and not only that,
she'san incredible actress.
She played Caligula's
trophy wife to a sexy tee."
Also mega-sexy were the
photos Jade and Justine
took after the show. The
nude models are not only
friends, but they had
worked together before,
and the chemistry between
them always shows.
By Jennifer Peters and Lainie Speiser
Pro Am
Sex Scenes
This new Pay-Per-View show, a hard-core-porn twist on Dancing
ars, is being hosted and judged by June 2009 Pet of
ey Linn Karter (above) and adult-industry veteran
the Month
Ed Powers. Nine very lucky amateur performers will work with
nine sexy starlets—among them powerhouse Pets Tori Black,
Shawna Leneé, Rebeca Linares, and Nikki Benz. Each pair will
perform before the judges, with two to three scenes per episode.
Several of theamateurs made their on-camera debut on the
show. Kagney says, "It was interesting to see the wannabe porn
stars comeinandto see how nervous they wereand how they acted
around the big stars, especially the guys. But they did really well
Betw enes you can listen to the judges' commentary,
watch interviews with the performers, and catch some silly yet
sexy Q&A sessions with thi
remiered in February, with a party at New York's
HeadQuarters gentlemen's club hosted by rocker/porn actor
а. “А lot of peop out that night to support the
= Kagney, whomade a special appearance.
offunto mee specially the fans."
1 find Sex With the Stars on Pay-Per-View through the
О, with new episodes premiering every 12 weeks Oka
stars.
cami
at everyone,
97
[interview]
Artie Lange hi eral hats during his 17-year care
stand-up comic, actor, author—but he made his biggest mark
adio pioneer Howard Stern's debauched and foul-mouthed
оп, whipping boy. On Stern's show,
e frequently rambled about his various vices and demons:
utes, gambling, heroin, cocaine, punishingly low self-
əm, and his struggle to stay sober. Sometimes his fellow
worn
ick and, on
Stern-menagerie members decided to eat their own kind, making
Lange the (аго and commentary, especially on
ings when, say, he fell asleep at the microphone on the heels
of pitil
insul
whatever he did the night before.
Part of the fun of listening to it all was that it revita
zedthe
unny because it's true. Artie's tales of
ners knew, and all the more funny—
e it, titillating—for it
tired comedy cliché—it
debauchery were true, lis!
and, let's
But the comedy came grinding toa terrifying and grisly halt on
thenight of January 2, 2010, when Lange's mother entered her
n's Hoboken, New Jersey, condo carrying a bag of groceries,
including Lange's favorite dish—chicken Parmesan—and found
Lange on the kitchen floor bleeding from multiple stab wounds
to edto the Jersey City Medical Center
wounds to the comic's torso—all of
is abdomen. He was г
foundn
where doctor:
em self-inflicted with a 13-inch kitchen knife
Lange's doctors cleaned up the wounds and operated, and
e was released ten days later, but he kept a low profile after
nt. Although Sirius XM Radio, which hosts tern
Icome back to the program any time, it's hard
predict how Lange will handle his comeback. He has always
ed in turning his self-destructive low points into comedic
bits, but this one, obviously, belongs ina different category.
99
[interview]
We visited with Lange months before his suicide attempt,
when things were looking up for him. He had been clean for a
while, and appeared to have a healthy perspective on—if not total
mastery over—the various pitfalls of his multiple addictions.
He told us that he'd kicked heroin and had been clean for
months, though he'd gotten hooked ona drug called Subutex to
keep him off the junk. He had just finished shooting a pilot for an
Artie Lange reality show on A&E, and was working on a sequel to
his best-selling book, Too Fat to Fish
We spent a whirlwind week with him, visiting his Hoboken
condo, riding with him and his entourage to a stand-up gig in
Niagara Falls, and cruising down to the Jersey shore. It was
nota visit we'd have soon forgotten, in any case, but after his
Suicide attempt, some of his comments took on an astounding
resonance. He discussed, in sober terms, the gloomy fates of
fellow "fat-man" comedians John Belushi and Chris Farley. He
talked about avoiding the triggers for his addictions, previous
rumors of his death, and, incredibly, his concern that a reality
show based on his life might be “boring.”
“Welcome to my gindaloon-fuck-you house!” Lange
announced by way of greeting when we entered the beach
condo. "It's the guinea dream! | feel like Rodney Dangerfield
saying that. | bought it in 2007—it took two years too long, but my
mother is proud, and | am happy. Fuck you, | didn’t go to college,
and look at this place."
Lange delivered his wisecracks while giving us the grand tour
of the seven-bedroom, six-bath bachelor pad. The house also
contains a media room andan elevator he installed for his mother.
Itis spotless, mostly white, with carefully color-coordinated
accessories—from the white leather couches to the frilly cloth
napkins to matching towels in every bathroom.
This place looks like a Martha Stewart catalog.
It's known as the man-cave, but my mom did the whole place; it
kind of looks like a gay guy's place, it's so neat. All | asked is that
she keep itunder $5 million—God, | sound like an asshole!
Well, there's nothing “manly” aboutit. Your mom
may have gone overboard.
No! There are kegs on the deck, a boat pier with four boat lifts and
room for Jet Skis, and a heated pool. Come see the bedroom that
she did for me—even though you'll probably get the sense that
my motheris too involved in my life. The remote-control blinds up
there cost me $18,000. | guess they're worth it.
Doyoufeellike you've made it at this point in
your career?
| never feel that way. In the beginning all | wanted was to make
$70k working on the docks [Lange was a longshoreman before
entering show business]. The truth is, if | retired | would be fine,
but! wouldn't have much to do. | always want more. | can't help it;
it'slikeadrug
So money is another one of your vices?
It's true. "One day at a time" is what | have been told to say to
myself. The thingis, there are friends of mine who | prefer to be
sober with, because | want to listen and bond—it's fun. If | was
always with those people, | could be sober, no problem. have
nothingto be passionate about.
Nothing? There must be something.
Work. | have nothing else to be excited about. It sucks.
100 PENTHOUSE.COM
E
You're not ready to start dating?
I see this one girl from time to time, but there are always issues, it
seems. The broad see now, she's 25, works in pharmaceuticals. |
met her at the Funny Bone, after a gig | did in Pittsburgh. I'll have
tosee what happens with her—she's "the Neil Young chick" when
Howard talks about her on-air, because | mentioned that the first
time | went over to her apartment, she had a Neil Young poster,
and that's as far as she will let me go, describing her. It's rather
pathetic. | don't even know the name of the company where she
works. It's a humiliating job, being a comedian.
How so?
Itcan really get you down. The best thing one comedian can
seeis another comedian bombing—we relish it. But still, | never
rooted for a friend to fail. One of the best stories | have is from the
Comedy Cellar in'94. There were people yelling over setups, and
Dave Attell just barreled through—he was completely fearless.
Norm MacDonald is like that, too. The definition of a hack isa
comedian giving the audience what they want. When Attell
realized that he was making me laugh in the back every couple
of minutes, he kept at it, regardless of the audience: "David, why
do you do comedy—the fame, the pussy? No, | need to find my
daughter.” Then he shouts, “Nadine?!” Another deadend. The
crowd was ready to throw a beer at him. And he wouldn't stop.
“Т can't believe the way the
Stern show gets you t
image. It's an extraordinar
relationship that you have
18 rock-star
with the
fans. I never experienced it before."
"Nadine?!" | was dying in the back. But, you know, with my luck, |
can make money, while these guys have to hustle. It's part ofthe
business.
Iknow youlove being on The Howard Stern Show,
but is there anything that frustrates you about it?
The show changed my life. Really, |have no complaints. All the
rumors about me leaving, dying, | can't let it affect me. | guess the
one thing is Howard's [lack of] sports knowledge. When | start
talking about baseball, basketball, any sport—he has no idea
what I'mtalking about, and neither does Robin [Quivers]. But a
lot of the fans know, so he lets me do it. | can't believe the way the
Stern show gets you this rock-star image. It's an extraordinary
relationship that you have with the fans. never experienced it
before the show. In the past, a few people might have known my
movie work, or MADtv. But now, because of the Stern show, in
every city | go to while touring, | feel like I've got a place to crash.
Are you close with everyone on the show?
Definitely; it's like family. And this summer | will use the beach
house to entertain everyone from the show, along with my close
friends—all the guys | grew up with in Jersey. It’s going to be more
low-key.
Do you mind being the butt of so many jokes?
People relate to someone who screws up, and they admire you if
you are honest about it. It's one area where | am confident. | still
feel like a regular schmo. Rather than being phony about it, | go
withit. | guess! was at the right place, at the right time. Getting
on The Howard Stern Showis the greatest thing that happened
to me. Гат sitting in a $2 million shore house, with a hot reporter
chick interviewing me—l am lucky. This summer will be a turning
point for me: l'Il be in shape, maybe l'Il even get laid
Tell me about your upcoming reality show.
| received money up front just to shoot the pilot—$50k—but
it's depressing me. With stand-up | can perfect my act, but in
the "reality" format | get self-conscious sometimes, and | get
frustrated and depressed. Reality-TV producers like train wrecks,
but! think it will be more ofa bore. am not going to purposely
fuck up for them.
When was your addiction most severe?
In 2005, during [the shooting of the 2006 comedy] Beer League,
| got to a point where | had numbers in every city for guys that
could get me heroin. There was a guy in Boston, let's call him
Joey—shady guy; he was one of them. Colin Quinn was onstage
once, and Joey was in the audience. That night, four big goons out
of nowhere beat Joey up and everyone in the crowd was freaking
out, Quinn played И off: "That's my closing joke, guys, thanks."
Joey was a bad gambler, he owed a bookie $150,000. | haven't
seen Joey since 2005.1 hope he's alive.
Doyoustill have all those numbers?
| purposely got rid of most of them, and | changed my number
| remember visiting John Belushi's grave on Martha's Vineyard
and it was trashed—people left bags of blow and cans of beer.
It's rumored that they removed John's actual body [to protect
it]. The chaos that drugs cause is not romantic or glamorous—it's
assholes creating would-be grave diggers. Belushi and Farley
died from coke and heroin—it's just so pathetic. Thinking about
this, ат so appalled by my old lifestyle.
How do you avoid your triggers to prevent a
relapse?
Grown men come to my shows with my book—it's like what an
eight-year-old kid does with Miley Cyrus. Construction workers
with dust on their asses. It's eerie, but it blows me away. I've got a
solid structure and the best people around me for the first time in
my life—my blue-collar extended family. It's redeeming, It helps
me get up in the morning, knowing how dedicated the fans are.
| get a good feeling when | meet fans who quote me. It's rather
touching. You don't get that even if you are a movie star? 7m
UPDATE
Lange has been laying low since the suicide attempt,
spending time at home with his mother, Judy, and his
sister, Stacey, who reports that Artie is “still in bed, and
not speaking more than five words a day." Artie's sister
canceled his comedy shows in Las Vegas and at Foxwoods,
as wellasafew club dates in New York that were scheduled
for June and July.
Lange, who had a book deal and a reality show in the
offing (they've been postponed), told our reporter, “I like
to think people like me because I’m funny and talented, but
it goes beyond that because I have done a lot of fucking-up
in my life. | am по trying to lie about my past to get a Miller
Lite commercial and be part of that whole hypocrisy.”
In addition to relying on support from his mother and
his sister, Artie reached outto Stern, telling Howard then
that he had been sober for 54 days. Stern reported on his
show that Artie sounded like "up Artie" (Lange has had
symptoms of manic depression), and says he has no plans
toreplace Lange.
101
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AMERICA. GO TO PENTHOUSEMODE
TO SEE MORE OF ASHLYN AND RHIAI
VISIT PENTHOI
[sexed]
than ever, Ы
sex is—and$h
“help you
sex life, you need advice:
both sides of the bed.
ByMartin Downs, M.P.H., and"
Victoria Zdrok, Ph.D.
№ ТАЕК DIRTY TOME
I travel a lot on business and I love phone sex—the dirtier, the better. So far, I've managed to talk every one of my girlfriends into
burning up the phone lines with hot talk, and have even convinced a few to masturbate till they came. When I’m on the road,
sex-talking helps keep me connected to the woman I'm seeing. I don't see anything wrong with it, but my current partner isn't cool
with it. Is there anything I can say that will convince her to try it?
The Downs side: Talking dirty doesn't come naturally to
everyone. It can feel more than a little awkward if you're not used
toit. To get started
Lay Some Groundwork
Before your next business trip, spend some time talking with her
about sex—the sex you're having, the sex you've had, and the sex
you'dlike to have. That will give you an idea of where her comfort
zoneis.
Define Vocal Boundaries
One of the hardest things about sex talk is developing an erotic
vocabulary. Thereisa fine line between nasty and just plain gross,
and that's a matter of personal taste. I know a lot of women who
have no problem saying "fuck" and "cock" all the time, but who
blush at "pussy" and cringe at "cunt." Talking about sex becomes
alot less awkward when you can agree on words to use
Take It Long Distance
After having some good sex chats in person, it might be easier
to geta hot long-distance call going the next time you're alone
and horny in another city. Just don't put her on the spot. If you
want a big performance, complete with panting and moaning,
calla 1-900 number. With your girlfriend, it shouldn't have to be
theatrical. Instead, try something like sharing sexual fantasies, or
trading sexual confessions. Let the conversation go where it will
Then feel free to start jerking off when it gets good
112 PENTHOUSE.COM
The Pet doctor: Women love to chat on the phone. | think you can
turn any girl into a phone-sex addict by using the right approach.
Lay Some Groundwork
+ Your current hottie may need а bit more verbal foreplay to warm
her up. Instead of focusing on descriptions of sexual acts and
parts, whichis what gets men off, begin by telling her how much
she turns you on, focusing on such details as the softness of her
skin, the silkiness of her hair, and the juiciness of her kisses,
* Get her talking about her idyllic lovemaking scenario, and tell
her that this is what you imagine when you hear her voice. Don't
be afraid to get poetic on her—the sappier the better—even if her
ideal fantasy is the two of you ona gorgeous Tahitian beach, the
wind blowing through her hair, and her body looking sumptuous
undera long see-through dress
Define Vocal Boundaries
Once you get her all warmed up, you can make the move from
romantic to sexual, but tread lightly. She might not like crude
terms and may prefer that even explicit sexual stuff be veiled in
romantic terms or paired with intimacy.
Take It Long Distance
Try exploring her fantasies while you are in bed with her (either
during foreplay or in your aprés sex cuddle), then spring them
on her while you're on the phone. It will require a little delving
into her secret world, but the research will be worth it
JD ы EXPOSURES
BARG.
PHOTOGRAPH BY
BARGAIN OR BOGUS?
Ітесетіу lost my job and have had
to cut some corners. l've started
buying condoms from a 99-cent
store, but with all the talk lately
about counterfeit condoms, should
I be concerned about their quality?
Are they as safe as the ones sold in
drugstores?
Lama firm believer
that you get what you pay for in life
When it comes to items of personal
hygiene and health protection, it only
makes sense to avoid dollar sto
that are full of stuff that’s not
even one cent. Many of their war
have been shown to be
toxic, carcinogenic, outdated, broken
and otherwise crappy.
With regard to counterfeit
condoms, China indeed exported
millions of fakes, most of which
up in small stores nationwide. Some
were labeled Durex, Rough Rider.
Jissbon, Six Sense, and Love Card,
but authorities also found millions
of the phony rubbers packaged
in counterfeit Trojan wrappers
efective,
ж
being sold in small disco
througho
not sure
your ar
of these fakes
I wouldn'tt
yourself a fave
other luxurie
1d buy respectable
brands sold in major drugstores
The Downs side: brand-name
counterfeit
Times report
Чу that condom
r brand:
ЕРІ55 ОМНІМ
My boyfriend and I were watching
porn, and in one scene, a woman
orgasmed and squirted. It was
like she ejaculated. My boyfriend
thought it was really hot and I, too,
haveto admit that it was. But now
he's fixated on this and wonders why
Idon’t squirt. I told him 1 just don't.
He thinks this means Im faking my
orgasms, but I’m not, and I've just
about had it with his logic.
The Pet doctor: Unfortunately, your
boyfriend is like many men who
take porn a little too seriously. Yes,
a small percentage of women do
indeed squirt copious amounts of
fluid before or during an orgasm—or
simply from the stimulation of
their Skene's, or paraurethral gland
(female prostate). However, there
is absolutely no indication that their
rainfall orgasms are superiorto our
dewy ones. I can squirt a bit from
intense G-spot pressure, but ао
notalways experience an orgasm
from such stimulation. And | hate to
disappoint you guys, but my clitorally
SOME WOMEN,
BUT PROBABLY
NOT VERY
MANY, “SQUIRT.”
IT DEFINITELY
SHOULDN'T
BETAKEN AS
PROOF OF A
GENUINE
ORGASM.
induced orgasms are far more
powerful—and entirely squirt-free.
If youare really into pleasing this
guy, you can try to get yourself to
squirt by regularly practicing Kegels,
thendrinking lots of fluids and
massaging your G spot with a curved
vibrator until you get the urge to
urinate—then let yourself go!
be keptatro:
опао
uld be ruined. В
that routinely stock c
s pharmaci
ought
to handle them properly.
ent s
an odd lot of cor
ore that har
concerns about the inte
supply chain
If you're willing to gar
abe
an unwrap a con
inspec
orifit stic
family-planning
health offic
13
[sexed.]
Although female ejaculate is not
urine (its composition is similar to
that of semen), it is often mixed with
diluted urine, so be prepared for that
ammonia smell. But И you are happy
with your orgasms and don't like the
mess, tell your boyfriend to get over
his porn-induced fixation—unless he
is willing to reciprocate by performing
like amale pornstar, with copious
amounts of ejaculate. Tell him that
squirting is far more fun to watch than
toclean up—unless he likes his love
nest to be damp, or is willing to do the
laundry every time you come.
The Downs side: Some women, but
probably not very many, “squirt
when they have an orgasm. It
definitely shouldn't be taken as proof
ofagenuine orgasm.
Whatis female ejaculation? It
depends on whom you want to
believe. Everyone agrees it involves
some kind of fluid spurting from a
woman's urethra. There is evidence
that this fluid is not urine, buta
secretion that comes from glands
surrounding the urethra. Many
medical experts aren’t convinced,
and they maintain that it’s nothing
more than urinary incontinence.
Women who actually experience
ejaculation argue that what comes
out is not pee. To some women who
squirt, it's an embarrassing problem.
Others see itas a special ability and
take pride in it.
Like you, when | first learned about
female ejaculation, I thought it was
pretty neat. Lately, though, I'm fed
up withit. As your letter shows, it
just adds to some women's anxieties
about orgasm. Before squirting came
into vogue, they already had to worry
about how many orgasms they were
capable of having ina row; whether it
was okay to enjoy sex that didn’t lead
to orgasm; whether they could have
an orgasm during intercourse without
touching their clits; whether they were
lazy if they relied ona vibrator for
orgasm; or whether they should take
prescription drugs or herbal remedies
to become more orgasmic. On top of
all that, now they have to ejaculate.
Here's an idea for you: Tell your
boyfriend I said that men ought to
beable to have orgasms without
ejaculating. Tell him that if he loses
his load, it means he’s no good in bed.
Or just piss on him. He won't know the
difference.
Submit your questions about sex, relationships, and women to Martin and/or Victoria at sexed@ffn.com.
114 PENTHOUSE.COM
TIE ME UP, TIE ME DOWN
After five years, sex for my wife
and me has become kind of routine.
I'm open ёо trying different things,
but my wife wants to tie me up. She
says we should both try it, but that
Ishould go first. |know absolutely
nothing about bondage—except
that I'm fairly sure | don't want to
be cuffed, tied, or restrained in any
manner. If—and | do mean if— [agree
to do this, what should | expect?
Maybe s
o try some mild tea:
ing—feather ticklers, fuzzy
fs, and such—but she might
e scary, hard-core shit in
mind. There's only one way for you
to find out. You'll have to ask her
Most couples get around to
experimenting with bondage at
point. Sometimes it provides
J thrill that sets them
for sexual adventure.
anew cour
More often, though, the blindfold and
handcuffs end up gathering dust ina
bedroom closet
Why would anyone want to be
tied up? To completely give up
control. Thatalone can bean intense
experience for some people. It can
also make everything that happens
while they're tied up more intense.
And the scarier the idea of being
rendered powerless is to you, the
greater the pleasure you might get
fi ring control.
tis the key to the whole thing.
It's the difference between thrill
and terror, If you like extreme roller
coasters, for example, it's because
part of you implicitly trusts that
they're safe.
If you have that kind of trust in your
wife, | would urge you to not slam the
door on bondage play. But | would
recommend picking up a few books
or DVDs for couples to learn more
about it
The Pet doctor: | think you are
overthinkii his. You don't know
how you will feel in bondage until
youa 'e. Many people who are
restrained actually feel a release of
tension, a relaxing sense of surrender,
a liberating loss of control, or an
exciting anticipation of "being done."
The essence of bondage is
thetransfer of control from the
submissive partner to the dominant;
however, in such a control exchange,
the dominant partner's duty is to
supply the submissive with intense
leasure. The submissive
should havea “safe word” that
stops the action ifit becomes too
uncomfortable or frightening, but if
both parties understand each other’s
nd desires, there should be no
call to use it.
There's a small chance that you
may be one of those control freaks
who can'tstand to be dominated
underany circumstances, but my rule
is, don't knock anything till you try it
Start by asking your wife to describe
her fantasies about being in control,
so you get an idea of what she might
do with your trussed-up body. Then
let her take charge and follow her
lead. If youare still freaked out by
the thought of physical restraint, you
could try a mental restraint: Have your
wife tell you to lie still and pretend to
be bound, while she gets to have her
way with you (with some agreed-
upon punishment if you violate her
orders). Remember, she wants a hot,
passionate orgasm out of this
and so do you—: littlerope fans
your mutual flames, go for it+m
limits
ene—
Find Your Perfect Sexual Match Tonight!
GET It Мом
patible Ma
Join for FREE!* visit www.getiton.com™
E] [beotimestories]
VEGGING
There's nothing like the sight of a welltended garden
filled with fresh veggies to get the juices flowing.
For one horny, light-fingered neighbor with a penchant
for baking, good things are guaranteed to come.
By K. D. Grace * Illustrations by Abner Devereaux
hefactthat Todd Sheldon
often workedhis vegetable
garden in nothing but running
shorts definitely got Beth's
attention. From her kitchen
window, she watched the
interplay of hard muscle and
organic greens as he caressed
feathery leaves, pushing and
parting, grasping the foliage
then pulling until the soft loam
yielded up the perfect carrot.
She caught her breath as he
rana fisted hand up and down
the length, stroking it as she
would imagine he might his
She knocked once moreand
glanced around the vegetable garden.
Her pussy twitched as her gaze came
torest on the row of carrots. She set
the bottle of wine down by the door,
kicked off her sandals, and stepped
into the crumbly warm soil. Straddling
the carrot row was an act thatin itself
seemed yummy and naughty.
Sherantrembling fingers down
thefoliage as she had seen him do,
thentugged. Nothing happened. She
widened her stance and pulled, firmly.
Atlastthe carrot was free. The veg
she had chosen was obscenely huge,
not pointedat the end, as Todd's had
valley between. She fantasized that it
was Todd's cock between her breasts.
One hand caressed and maneuvered
the veg while she squatted deeper,
pausing to yank the crotch of her
panties aside.
She pulled the carrot from between
her breasts, then ran her tongue along
the underside, tasting her sweat
mixed with faint intimations of earth.
She swirled her tongue over the
rounded tip as though it were Todd's
cock, thick and ready to fill her pussy.
With saliva dripping down her chin
from her efforts to deep-throat the
carrot, she parted her cunt lips and
cock when he was hard. The | been, but comfortably rounded, а thrust the veggie home, whimpering
thought made the sight that made her pussy feel fat, herpleasure as her cunt grasped the
muscles below her swollen, hungry. shaft like a hungry infant at the breast.
belly tight and twitchy.
Somewhere in the midst of
watching his harvest, Beth's fingers
slipped under her skirt, into her pout.
She wondered whata carrot would
feel like down there, filling her warm,
wet hole with veggie goodness.
Thenext evening she put on her
sexiest sundress, took a nice bottle of
Chilean merlot, and went to meet him.
She'd moved into the house almost
three weeks ago, and if she waited
much longer, he might think her
unneighborly. She walked across her
yard and knocked on his back door,
but there was no answer.
116 PENTHOUSE.COM
She wondered how the size
compared to that ofthe man who'd
plantedit. She looked around at
the rest of the garden. Even larger
than the carrot were dozens of
zucchinis peeking from under huge,
fan-shaped leaves. There were long,
ridged cucumbers hanging heavily
from makeshift trellises. Todd's was
aregular garden of phalluses varying
in size and shape, and she had the
overwhelming urge to try them all.
Brazenly, sheundid the buttons
ofthe sundress to reveal breasts
moundedhigh, with just enough
space to slide the carrot into the tight
One hand thrust the carrot inand
out of her tight grip, while the other
tweaked her clit until it felt bigger and
harder than the stones lining Todd's
outrageous, erotic garden.
If he had returned, she would
never have noticed, Her whole world
had shrunk to her pussy and what
the carrot was doing to it. She held
her breath, until at last the explosion
rolled over her in waves and she cried
out, losing her balance and falling
backward on her ass in the middle of
thecarrot row.
With her pussy still thrumming
fromthe aftershocks, she cleared
В [beotimestories]
away the evidence of her intrusion.
Then she fled back to her house, still
clutching the pussy-flavored carrot
tightly in her hand, to her bed, where
she made love to the veg twice
more before collapsing into blissful,
exhausted sleep.
She awoke in the early morning
hours, the carrot still deep in her cunt.
As she wriggled around its delicious
probing, she felt a twinge of guilt, and
knew exactly what she needed to do
to assuage it.
She padded downstairs naked and
lit the oven. She hummed happily
while mixing the ingredients—eggs,
flour, lots of butter, cinnamon, and
sugar. When everything else was
ready, she sat on the kitchen stool,
kneading her breasts with flour-
dusted hands until the stool was slick
beneath her pout. Then she took the
carrot, gave ita quick but thorough
deep-throating, and thrust it into
her wet cunt. Rocking and thinking
of Todd, she enjoyed one last mind-
blowing come before adding the final
ingredient to the batter.
The next evening when she came
home from work, she found her
sandals by her back door, along with
a shallow wicker basket mounded
with small, jewel-bright tomatoes.
Her delight over the tomatoes was
tempered by the feeling that she had
been caughtin the act. Certainly Todd
had to wonder at the coincidence of
her strappy sandals on his back porch
and his poor, wallowed carrots.
From where she stood at the
window she could see Todd hoeing
weeds. She relished the way his
buttocks in their revealing shorts
tightened each time he struggled with
a weed. Then he turned his attention
to the carrots, caressing the broken
fronds, scratching his head and
looking around for clues of what had
happened. His package, which bulged
and rippled beneath the shorts, made
her fantasize about what he would be.
like when he was aroused.
In the morning, when she was sure
Todd had left for work, she returned
the basket generously laden with
luscious, thickly iced carrot cake.
As she sat the basket in front of his
door, she gave the erect zucchini
a knowing smile, and her pussy
clenched at the thought of something
so thick fucking her. She tiptoed into
the garden, reaching out to stroke
the smooth green skin. A quick look
around told her there were plenty of
118 PENTHOUSE.COM
other zucchinis. Surely Todd wouldn't
miss just one. She was tempted to
take it now, but somehow taking it
home before they could get properly
acquainted felt like having sex before
the first date. She gave it one last
fondle and rushed off to work.
Itrained that evening. Beth watched
in frustration as the rain battered
the leaves of the zucchini plant. How
pathetic was it that she'd planned her
evening around a sexual encounter
with a vegetable? She tried to occupy
her time with other things, but she
couldn't keep her mind off Todd's
phallic vegetables. That was it. Rain or
not, she had to have the zucchini.
The mud squish-squished between
her toes, and she slipped and slid
precariously down between the
rows, nearly belly flopping in front
of the zucchini plant. She grasped
the zucchini as though it were Todd's
erection, then with a gentle tug and
atwist, feltthe heavy weight of itin
her hand, the girth of it like an open
challenge to her gushing slit.
She lifted one leg onto the wheel-
barrow, then pushed herself onto
the unyielding vegetable. She had
never had anything so thick in her
pussy before. The rain intensified, and
she stood in the mud wriggling and
groaning her way onto the zucchini.
When she was fully impaled, she
came quickly. Her whole body shud-
dered, then quaked, and she dropped
to her knees trembling and gasping,
the zucchini now firmly grasped in
her pussy. Before she could recover,
she heard Todd's car pull into the
drive. With her heart in her throat, she
extracted her new best friend from
her slit and made a dash across the
yard to her house. But not before a
heavy ridged cucumber caught her
eye. She knew she'd be back
In the morning she woke stiff and
sore from her night's pleasuring. She
walked carefully about the kitchen
preparing flour, eggs, cinnamon, and
sugar. Then she had one last ride on
the zucchini before she made the
bread. When it was done, she slipped
across the yard and left a fragrant, foil-
wrapped loaf on Todd's porch.
All that day she tried to convince
herself that she should wait a while
before she visited his garden again,
but she couldn't keep her mind off the
lovely, engorged cucumber.
She waited all Saturday morning
for Todd to leave the house. When
his car finally pulled out of the drive-
way, she threw ona loose minidress
that buttoned down the front and
barely covered her ass. Once in
Todd's garden, she slipped it off her
shoulders until she could tug ather
nipples. Her pussy was slippery and
she slipped two, then three fingers
into her cunt, remembering the girth
of the zucchini. This time she would
not approach sucha formidable
vegetable withouta little foreplay,
When she was ready, she reached
for the cucumber, then winced and
drew back quickly. The damn thing
was rough, prickly, almost spiny. She
looked aroundat the carrots and
zucchinis, but she had her heart set
onthe cucumber.
"Well this certainly explains a lot."
She yelped her surprise and turned
to find Todd standing right behind her,
his gaze lingering over her exposed
breasts and her hand still buried be-
neath her dress. She couldn't help
noticing the way his shorts tented
arounda growing erection.
"Thecarrot cake, the zucchini
bread, they were both delicious, but
they were made from stolen veg,
weren't they? I'm willing to bet you
fucked my vegetables before you
baked them, didn't you?"
She nodded from beneath a heavy
blush. No use denying the obvious.
"You're a very naughty girl." With-
outtaking his eyes off her, he reached
down and pulled up a slender carrot,
then ran the foliage through the
curved fingers of one hand. Before
shecould attempt an apology, he
stepped forward and brought the.
fronds down with a stinging whoosh
across her erect nipples. She gasped.
"Naughty girls, girls who fuck
stolen vegetables, need to be pun-
ished." Heturned heraround and
placed her hands on the wheelbarrow,
which forced her bottom into the air.
Then he shoved her dress up over
herhips, lingering to caress her ass
cheeks and slide a solicitous thumb
down the length of her cleft. Before
she had time to fully appreciate his
fondling, he brought the carrot fronds
down witha brisk smack across her
bottom, and she yelped again.
“I'll teach you to fuck my vege-
tables without telling me." He
brought down his makeshift whip.
again. This time she only moaned
and wriggled her bottom, spreading
herlegs, wanting him to see what
his punishment was doing to her
drenched pout.
He couldn't help but notice how
swollen and slippery she was. He
buried a finger in her cunt, then
broughtit to his lips, flicking his
tongue like a cat lapping cream.
"Mmm, | think I've discovered the
secret ingredient to your delicious
baked goods."
She peeked over her shoulder to
see him rubbing the carrot with his
saliva, and without warning, he eased
the carrot into her anus. "I picked this
one too early,” he said. “It needs to go
back in the hole.” With that, he gave
the probing carrot a shove.
She cried out in shock at the
surprise invasion. The pain quickly
transformed to pleasure, intense
enough to catapult her into orgasmas
he thrust the vegetable in and out of
her clenching anus.
He chuckled satisfaction. “I've
never known anyone with sucha
unique appreciation for my garden.”
He bent forward and nibbled her ear-
lobe. "Don't move. l'Il be right back."
He left her bent over the upturned
wheelbarrow with the carrot buried
up her ass. She tugged and tweaked
her clit, dipping her fingers in and out
of her still-spasming gash.
He returned quickly and slapped
her hands away. "Naughty little
vegetable thieves don't get to play
with their pussies. They have to make
amends to the gardener. Besides,
we both know you want more than
fingers in your cunt. That's why you
came to my garden.”
She watched while he picked the
heavy cucumber from its vine. "Some
vegetables need alittle preparation
before they're ready to be enjoyed.”
Hetooka knife and peeled back the
skin until the bare fruit was exposed,
except for the bit in his hand. "There
now, that should do the trick."
Hermouth wateredat the sight,
and her pussy tingled. She spread her
legsin anticipation, clenching her ass
cheeks around her full anus.
“You want my cucumber in your
pussy, don't you?" Не ran it over her
parted lips and circled her clit. She
moaned and spread her legs further.
“As badas youare, | don't know if
1 should give you what you want." He
circled her clit again and maneuvered
the moist, firm tip of the veg soit
teased apart her lips. Then he pulled it
back, and when she struggled to push
onto it, he smacked her bottom with
the flat of his hand. “Such a nasty girl.”
"Please. Please put it in me." She
rose on her toes until her calves
burned in her effort to get closer to
thetantalizing cucumber.
"You must be so uncomfortable
with your cunny all swollen and pout-
ing. Poor dirty girl." He slipped the
She wondered atacan
would feel like down there,
filling her warm, wet holewith
veggie goodness.
cucumber in just enough for her pussy
to grip at it, then withdrew it again.
“Please! | need it,” she sobbed in
frustration. “Oh, please put it in me.”
Without another word, he shoved
the cucumber home, andit was at
least as big as the zucchini, stretching
her pussy and lubricating her with its
fragrant juices. Todd thrust both the
carrot and the cucumber in rhythm,
until Beth was grinding and pushing
back against him with each thrust.
Then he yanked the cucumber from
her pussy, and her sex-crazed mind
barely registered the tearing ofa
condom wrapper. “You need more
than vegetables for a healthy diet."
She never saw his cock, but she
sure as hell felt it as he shoved into her,
manipulating the carrot as he did so.
Suddenly she knew—cucumber or
zucchini, there was no comparison to
the realthing. He fondled her breasts,
stroked her clit, then eased back,
always keeping her just on the edge of
orgasm, until at last he grunted in her
ear, "I can't hold back much longer.”
"Then do it!" she hissed between
clenched teeth.
He thrust until she thought he
would split her in two, and she rode
him back until she felt his cock con-
vulse. With a loud groan, he yanked
the carrot from her anus, and the
orgasm juddered through her like an
earthquake. She cried out and bucked
against him ina frenzy until he lost his
balance and they both landedinthe
dirt, writhing on the ground between
the carrots and the zucchini.
Fora long time they just struggled
to breathe, lying in the warm summer
earth, covered in dirt and sweat and
come. Then he stood, took her hand,
and led her into his shower,
Asshe soaped and caressed his
cock, she observed he was neither
like a zucchini nora carrot. More like
a banana, actually. He moaned his
pleasure at her touch and curled his
fingers in her hair. "It's nice to finally
find someone who appreciates a
good vegetable garden."
She smiled up at him, "I'm really
gladto hear that, because I'm
counting on you to help me get my
five-a-day." She rinsed his cock, then
knelt and took him into her mouth.
Vegetables were great, but it was
exceptionally yummy to have meat on
the menu again +1
"Vegging" Бу К. D. Grace, from
Best Women's Erotica 2010,
edited by Violet Blue. Published by
Cleis Press, 2010.
тө
° [misha]
120 PENTHOUSE.COM
falli
rac
Twenty-two-year-old Misha Grace is the kind of
woman who makesit easy to fall fast and hard.
The 340-24-34 former cheerleader from Denver
is working as a cocktail waitress until she starts
studying business administration at the University
of Nevada at Las Vegas in the fall, and she's
making the most of her time in Sin City.
Photographs by Sean Hartgrove
121
122 PENTHOUSE.COM
"If I weretruly
attractedto
someone andthe
moment was right,
Iwould definitely
have sex witha
stranger. Youhave
to getto know each
othersometime,
right?"
*Thebiggest turn-
pons when it comes to
guys are confidence,
intelligence, and
tattoos. Hypocritical
douche bags with big
legos are not welcome.”
124 PENTHOUSE.COM
"My favorite fantasy
isto makelove ona
beach, but there's
nothing chick-flick
romantic aboutit. I’m
J talking a threesome
^ witha guy and
another girl when
there's a lot of
people around!”
“After one fun night of partying in Las
Vegas, | went to a sex store, then back
toahotelfora crazy threesome
with my boyfriend and my sexy friend.”
WE'RELOOKING FOR THE HOTTEST GIRLS IN AMERICA
GO TO PENTHOUSEMODELS.COM.
SEE MORE OF MISHA AT PENTHOUSE.COM.
E [xratedvideo]
Penthouse Variations
Imposing blonde Avy Scott guides
you through a carnal castle wherein
each room hosts a different deviant
delight. Leading things offis Aiden
Starr, who shines asa mistress
punishing her charge:a politician
who's been trying to closelocal strip
joints. Their scene is most notable
for Starr's command of her partner
and the squeals of delight she gives
up when she's filled with his cock
Guys witha taste for feet will eat up
the scene with a lowly foot fetishist
paying a different kind of lip service
Above: Avy Scott and Taylor Vixen
Right: Kris Slater and Aiden Starr
130 PENTHOUSE.COM
tothe peds of Courtney Page (easily
the kinkiest coupling here). Best
scene? An absolutely smoking girl-
girl exploration with a corset-clad
Avy and 2010 Penthouse Pet of the
Year Taylor Vixen. After liberating
Taylor from a cage, Avy rides her
face beautifully. Taylor plays the
submissive role well, snaking her
tongue upward to meet her mistress's
snatch and rubbing her clit with
delicate, reverent strokes. loved their
interaction here: Avy isa full-breasted
stunner with a provocative face, and
she and the lush and lovely Taylor
create an erotic experience that will
leave you satisfied, but still wanting
much more.
Penthouse Letters
A well-to-do gent hooks up with
ahot-to-trot stripper (knockout
brunette Andy San Dimas); a
repressed housewife (Kiera King)
presses the flesh with a real live porn
stud; and starving artists really deliver
for their patrons. In the best (and most
laugh-out-loud) scene, leather-clad
bikers Mason Moore and Evan
check into what they think isa sleazy,
hot-sheets motelonly to be given the
velvet-and-lace-strewn bridal suite
one
Stone offers the bellboy a righteous
beatdown, but they soon get their
fuck on among the romantic finery,
with equally righteous results. Stone
chews the scenery almost as much as
on's heavily inked flesh, pumping
her puss until she's a squealing,
squirting mess, leaving her (and you)
mighty satiated. This flick is a good
one to share witha lady friend, even if
you don't think she's a “porno” type.
Because, well, you never know.
Above left: Andy San Dimas and Randy Spears
Above right: Brynn Tyler and Tommy Gunn
Penthouse Features
Public Enemies
d puns, cro:
This film takes
with a volley of
dr
ing G-men, and enough hot
x to make it all worthwhile. Tommy
Gunn stars as bank robber John
Drillinger, who breaks out of stir after
plowing prison warden Roxanne Hall
and Baby Face (Scott
While Drillinge
Styles) areon the lam, Baby
moll—the brilliantly named Molly
(Bella Cole)—throws him an exciting
ifby-the-numbers hump th
off her thin body and natural tits. My
favorite clip here features Penthouse
shov
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exual overdrive wi!
who reaches
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chnique. She and
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p-thro:
nine before the pint-size Pet's plump
pussy gets takeninr
and doggie-style, shown off with
great camerawork. And while all Gunn
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big cock, you getto see Gunn's in
all its glory as he bangs sexy blonde
Brynn Tyler at film's end +
verse-cowgirl
our
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rests
in
the
details
Unite
King
131
BB [oenthouseforum]
№ THEUNEXPECTED GUEST
The sound ofthe front door opening
startled me. Ellen wasn't supposed
to be home for another three days.
That's why | was staying at her house,
taking care of her cat. The guy walk-
inginthe door hada duffle bag over
his shoulder and in his hand a set of
keys—almost identical to the set Ellen
had given me. He was startled when
he saw me, and we both immediately
asked, "Who are you? What are
you doing here?" Our questions
overlapped, as did our answers, but
we figured out Ellen had doubl
booked. Rob was her other cat-sitter.
Neither of us had any intention of
leaving. Rob wanted a break from his
roommates, and | needed to escape
the city. We agreed that we'd both
stay, and keep to separate parts of
the house, Rob was content with
the guest room and wanted nothing
more than to sit in Ellen's den playing
videogames for hours, which left me
the master bedroom, not to mention
the rest of the house. Perfect.
That night, when | decided to pick
up something for dinner, | figured I'd
see if Rob wanted anything, He was
kinda cute, after all, and it would have
been rude not to offer. When | came
back with the food, Rob joined me
intheliving room and we watcheda
182 PENTHOUSE.COM
movie l'd rented. As we watched, we
unconsciously moved closer to each
other, and before the movie was over
we were pressed together. We both
turned our heads at the same time, and
the next thing | knew, we were kissing.
Ourkisses quickly turned to fondling
and groping, and within minutes we
were horizontal on the couch, both
ourshirts discarded and Rob's hands
working on my belt while | tried to
| pull down his pants. It wasn't easy to
| undress each otherin the position we
were in, but we tried our best
Rob was on top of me, and as |
wiggled around to get my pants off,
he played with my pussy, slipping
his fingers between the wet folds. It
felt so good that within a couple of
minutes, | came, and when his fingers
delved deeper, | couldn't control the
| moan that escaped my throat. | was
sure l'd come again before he got
himself inside me, and | was right. Not
two minutes later, | was shrieking with
| As I wiggled around
| to get my pants off, Rob
played with my pussy,
| slipping his fingers
| between the wet folds.
ecstasy аз! came a second time from
his talented fingers.
When he finally entered me, | was
overwhelmed with pleasure. Rob
hada good-size cock that filled me
nicely. | didn't have to instruct him on
how to move or how deep to thrust;
he seemed to know instinctively how
to please me, and! was thrilled. He
started stroking in and out, shallow
at first, then deeper, then alternating
between the two, keeping me aroused
even in the missionary position. Rob
was pumping inand out smoothly, and
with each stroke | felt my body shiver
with excitement. Soon | had my legs
wrapped around his waist and | was
raising my hips to meet his thrusts.
We kept atit until we both came,
andit was explosive. Rob climaxed
Just after | did, my juices flowing out
around his cock as he shot into me.
Ellen called a few days later to
apologize if Rob had shown up, since
she'd realized too late that she'd
booked us both and hadn't been able
to get through to him. “Yeah, he came
by, but it's okay,” | told her. "We got
along just finel"—L.A., Kentucky
№ GROUPIE SEX
Groupies are the best perk of being
the lead singer of a rock band, and
don't let anyone tell you different.
UNIEASH YOUR {= =
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В [oenthouseforum]
Ata showin New York not long
адо! met two chicks who were the
definition of ideal groupies. They were
in front of the stage during our entire
set, and knew every word to every
song we played, even ones we'd never
played live. They were full of energy
and danced as hard as we rocked.
And, of course, they were smokin' hot,
which is a key requirement if you want
the bandto notice you.
Even though the girls were going
crazy during our set, they managed
to be waiting in my dressing room
when! got there, They gave me the
usual lines—"We're your biggest fans"
and “I've always dreamed of meeting
you"—then swore they'd do anything
ifthey could just hang out for a while.
They had meat "anything."
| could tell they wanted to fuck me.
Groupies have this look that regular
fans don't, this predatory glint in
their eyes. These girls really were
willing to do anything to get into my
pants. When | told them didn't think
I'd be able to choose whom to goto
bed with first, they were more than
ready to help with my dilemma. "Why
choose when you can have both of
usatthesametime?" the shorter,
blonder half of the duo said.
“I don’t want to make you girls do
anything you're not ready for," | said,
sensing they were more experienced
thanthey looked. "You look like such
nice girls. You don't want to do some-
thing like that."
To prove me wrong, the girls
began groping each other, their lips
coming together like magnets. Their
show lasted only a few seconds—not
nearly long enough for me. “I don't
think you're really into each other," |
goaded, and once more they showed
me how wrong | was. This time they
keptit going longer, and with the
heat coming off them, | hada feeling
they really were into each other. They
were kneading each other's titsand
grabbing each other's asses—and
thenthe clothes started to come off.
Band T-shirts and miniskirts went
flying, followed by a pair of panties
anda bra—only one of each, and each
from a different girl—until they were
left in only their Converse high-tops,
classic groupie footwear. After that,
they were all over me like a well-oiled
machine, removing my clothes so fast
i barely realized it was happening.
The girls were on their knees ina
flash, cooing over my dick-what guy
doesn't love hearing "Oh, my God, it's
sobig!"—as they took turns gobbling
itup. When they got sick of sharing,
184 PENTHOUSE.COM
опе girl moved behind me to give my
balls the royal treatment. The tongue-
bath she gave my sac was sweet, and
whenshestarted playing with my ass,
Iknew I'd stumbled upon some top-
notch groupies
Man cannot come from blowjobs
alone, though. (Well, he can, but fuck-
ing isat least as much fun.) It was clear
these girls knew that as well, and after
they'd brought meas close to explod-
ing as they could without me actually
exploding, they pulled me down to
the floor with them and treated me to
a double dose of pussy. The shorter,
blonder chick hopped on my rock-
hard dick while her friend mounted
my face to ride my tongue. l'm no
slacker in the sack, so gave it to them
good, fucking them with all had.
My hips pumped up and down,
meeting the cock-rider's energetic
thrusts. Her cunt was wet and tighter
than I'd expected, and every thrust
putthis unbelievably hot pressure
on my cock, squeezing me just right
and getting me all worked up. The girl
er chick hopped on my
rock-hard dick while her
friend mounted my face
to ride my tongue.
doing the face-rocking was just as
wet, andfelt twice astight, at least as
far asl could tell. | swirled my tongue
inall sorts of crazy patterns, hitting
every hot spot on her lips, then added
a few fingers and let my tongue focus
onher hard little clit. She reacted
instantly, gushing onto my face
the second my finger brushed her
Gspot. | knew she could handle more,
soldidn'tstop what | was doing—l
actually got more into it.
Both girls were going wild on me,
and pretty soon | knew my rock-star
cock was ready to blow. Pushing
the girl off my face, | told them! was
going to come. They were quickly on
their feet, pulling me up with them. |
scrambled to stand up, then watched
the girls get down on their knees
again. The taller one grabbed my cock
and pumped her fist up and down my
shaft. She did it a half-dozen times,
until started to come. Then the two
of them fought to get in the line of fire,
catching my come in their mouths, on
their tits—wherever they could зен.
After the girls milked me dry, they
licked my seed off each other.
As they dressed and got ready
to go, | scrounged around for some
appropriate souvenirs and sent them
on their way with new T-shirts, some
guitar picks, anda sweaty towel—
every groupie's must-have item.
Like | said, the best thing about
being ina rock band is the sex.—N.T.,
Massachusetts
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№ DOUBLE THEPLEASURE
My girlfriend Michelle and | had
always been interested in trying a
double-headed dildo, so when she
bought me one for my birthday, it
seemed the time was right for some
experimenting. The dildo was bright
pink and almost two feet long, witha
head on each end. As soon аз I saw it, |
couldn't wait to try it out!
| dragged Michelle to the bedroom,
thenew dildo firmly in my hand, and
beganattacking her lips the second
we toppled to the bed. | kissed her
hungrily, wanting to show her how
happy | was with the gift. And, of
course, the more we kissed, the more
excited we got, and the closer to
trying out my birthday present.
Soon our hands were busy
stripping each other out ofour
clothes while rolling around on the
bed. It wasn't an easy task, as excited
as we were. As soon as we were
naked, we were going at it, fingering
eachother until we were dripping
wetand ready to take on the double-
headed dildo.
Michelle slipped her end inside
her pussy first, anchoringthe dildo in
place for me. Then she lay on her back
with it sticking up from her crotch
like an erect penis. It was one ofthe
hottest things I'd ever seen, and |
wanted nothing more than to climb on
top of her and ride that pink dick.
Straddling Michelle's legs, | slipped
the head of the dildo between my
moist pussy lips and slowly eased
it inside, The smooth rubber slid in
easily, and | felt full in no time. We
stayed like that for a few moments,
fondling each other and making out
and feeling the dildo fill our pussies
to the max. But that wasn't enough,
and soon | started humping the
dildo—and Michelle.
As|rode the dildo, my movements
caused it to fuck my girlfriend as well.
Each of my downward thrusts pushed
the dildo deeper into Michelle's pussy,
and when | pulled up, the dildo shifted
with me, inching out of my girlfriend's
cunt. After every three or four thrusts,
I ground my pussy against hers,
swirling the dildo inside myself—and
her—and creating some much-
appreciated friction between our
clits. The combined sensations were
overwhelming, and | knew it wouldn't
belong before our new toy brought us
to climax.
Before we could get too excited,
however, Michelle flipped us over
and took a turn on top. She thrust
wildly, and her erratic, passionate
movements caused the dildo to fuck
me roughly, just the way | like it.
Michelle's energetic fucking had
my juices dripping almost instantly,
and we were both going crazy by
the time we came, screaming out
our pleasure and digging our fingers
into sheets and flesh as intense
orgasms wracked our bodies. We
thrust against each other until we
were sated, our bodies drenched
insweatand come, and then we
collapsed onto each other and lay
still, our pussies still stuffed with the
magnificent dildo
We didn't untangle ourselves
each PN until we
were dripping wet and
ready to take on the
double-headed dildo.
u — 7
- <.
[penthouse forum]
until much later, and then it was only
to grab some lube and start all over
again!—A.H, Texas
№ SPRING BROKEN
A few weeks before a planned spring-
break road trip with my buddies, |
broke my leg and ended up in a cast
fromankle to mid-thigh. No way could
| sitina car for hours, or get around
at the crappy walk-up place we'd
rented, Then, adding insult to injury,
while was at our local hangout on
Friday night, my buddies kept send-
ing me vacation photos of hot drunk
girls at some club, After a half dozen, |
threw down my phone, almost knock-
ing over the beer the waitress was
putting down in front of me. | turned
to apologize, and the most incredible
cleavage l'd ever seen was practically
in my face. With a huge effort, | raised
my gaze higher and saw a very pretty
girl smirking at me. It was the waitress
my teammates and all lust after.
Maggie waved off my stuttered
"sorry" and said, "Whereareallthe
asshole football players?"
"Spring break. But I'ma football
player, too."
"Please, you're the kicker. No one
knows you unless you screw up. You
don'tgetto bean arrogant asshole."
She smiled and walked away, and
| wasn't sure what the hell had just
happened. | knew | had been insulted
pretty thoroughly, but still, that was
the most friendly she'd ever been.
She talked to guys just enough to
get decent tips, and we all thought
she played for the otherteam. Then
suddenly she was back, and she sat
down across from me. "| hope you
don't mind if join you. I'm getting off
early because it's so slow."
After we'd talked for 15 minutes,
I realized she was more of a jersey
chaser than we'd thought. Maybe this
would bea good night after all. Then
she looked me in the eye and asked,
"Is your quarterback still lying his ass
off and telling people | fucked him?"
I grinned. This was looking like it
could turn into a very good night.
“Oh, yeah. He tries to work that story
in whenever he can.”
She winked at me and said, “Jack-
ass. You know what would be really
funny? Text him now and tell him |
said Гуе always wanted to figure out
how to screw a guy who has his leg in
acast.”
I cracked up, found his number, and
handed over my phone. "Why don't
you do it?"
Tomysurprise, she did, typing some-
thing really fast. Then she looked at the
phone fora minute, helditout, and
snappeda photo. She sentanother
message and gave me back my phone.
When | looked at the screen, | saw а
photo of her tits. | scrolled to the mes-
sage she had sent. It read, "Stop text-
ing Eric. He's busy with these, | mean
me." With no doubts now about what
was going оп, | turned off the phone.
"How would you go about screwing
aguyinacast?”
She fought back a smile, then said,
completely seriously, "Cowgirl, of
course. But my tits would be in your
face again. If that's a problem, we'd
have to go reverse-cowgirl."
Igrinned and said, "Really not a
problem, babe. Where should we
conduct this experiment?"
"There's a recliner in the back room,
but! don't think your foot will be high
enough. Let's go upstairs."
Turns out she lives in one ofthe
apartments above the bar—on the
138 PENTHOUSE.COM
[penthouseforum]
sixth floor. Thankfully, the building has
an elevator. When we got to her place,
she got me settled in ona futon, with
pillows propping up my head and my
cast. She grabbed two beers from the
kitchenand handed me one before
she straddled my torso. Man, this
chick really was too good to be true!
It was timeto take control, as much
as! could in this position. | pulled her
down to kiss her while | unbuttoned
her shirt. Her nipples were already
rock-hard, and when | pinched and
twisted one, she started grinding her
crotch on my dick, which was also
rock-hard, A few minutes later, her skirt
was up around her waist and had two
fingers deep in her dripping cunt. She
pulled out of the kiss and shifted so her
D-cups were rubbing against my face.
| turned to suck one nipple, then bit
the other, sliding a third finger into her
snatch. Then | added my thumb, lubed
itup, and easeditinto herass. She
went fucking nuts!
After she came, her cunt and ass
convulsing against my hand, she lifted
her leg over my cast and knelt next to
my crotch, deliberately putting her fun
he
t. She
pulled out of the kiss and
shifted so her D-cups
were rubbing in my face.
zone out of my reach. She opened my
pants, pulled them down just enough
to free my dick, and took me into her
mouth. She sucked the shaft, taking in
all eight inches, and wormed her hand
into my boxers to cup my balls. Each
time she slid her mouth up, she circled
the head of my cock with her tongue.
Then, when she slid down, her tongue
didsomething amazing against the
underside of my shaft. It was better
than any blowjob Га ever had, апа!
was ready to come way too soon.
She must have felt my balls
tightening up, because she stopped
bobbing her head, looked up at me,
and took my dick inall the way, just as
| pumped a load down her throat. No
surprise, she swallowed every drop.
She climbed back over my lap, but |
needed some time to get hard again. |
shook my headat her and said sternly,
“You don't get that unless you sit on
my face first." | assumed she would
move up to my head, but she turned
around to put her pussy over my face. |
dove in, lapping at her lips and moving
my hands up to finger her again. She
was still dripping wet, and just for
fun, | went for the shocker. The ass
play made her crazy again, and she
started rubbing her tits on my dick. |
tooka chance and smacked her ass
with my other hand, and she let out
anunbelievably loud moan. | spanked
hera few more times while | ate her
out, until she came again, rubbing her
juice all over my face.
WOON
АХ
e
ewelry.com |
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My dick was ready for action again,
and she leaned forward and pulled
herself down my body. It seemed like
she did want to go reverse-cowgirl,
andthat worked fine for me. After the
way the spanking had gotten her off, |
was more than happy to still have her
ass within reach.
Sure enough, she reached for a
condom, sheathed my cock, and
impaled herself on it. She was still fora
minute after | was in, then she rocked
herself a couple of times, getting
adjusted. Before | knew it, she was
riding me fast and hard, and making
aton of noise again. | slapped her ass,
then grabbed her cheeks and went
to town. She was pistoning herself
on me, and I shifted my left hand so |
could thumb-fuck her ass, and then
spanked her a few more times with
my right hand. She was practically
screamingat that point, and moving
so wildly that my leg was killing me,
but it was the off-season, and not
my kicking leg. This lay was worthan
extra week or two ina cast.
Finally, she came again, and! was
pretty sure there was a second, and
maybe evena third right on top of it.
Afterward, she pushed herself all the
way down on my dick and massaged
me with her cunt muscles. My thumb
was still up her ass, and she rode my
thumb and my cock with short, slow
strokes. This night had been one
amazing surprise after another, and
she wasn't done. When! was close to
the edge again, she teased my asshole
with a finger. | busted my nut as soon
as she penetrated me, shooting into
her like a rocket. That was a first, and |
damned sure didn't hate it as much as
lalways thought | would.
She pulled herself up and cleaned
upthe condom, then lay down and
lazily stroked my dick. "That was
amazing, Eric. | can't wait to see what
you can do when you're not ina cast."
Shetook me home on Friday at
about midnight, and by Sunday after-
noon we had gone through about a
dozen rubbers, a truckload of takeout
food, and all four Die Hard movies. |
don't think there's a guy alive who's
hada more satisfying spring break.—
ER, via emaila
She was riding me fast
and hard. I thumb-
fucked her ass again,
and then spanked her a
few more times.
[penthouseforum] EM
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When White Collar debuted last fall,
we were thrilled to see this still-lovely
74-year-old back on TV. She only
appeared in half the episodes, and
then it was mostly short clips, but
now that the second season is kicking
off, let's look back at the elegant and
sophisticated knockout.
The Harlem, New York, native
attended the High School of Music
and Art (with Billy Dee Williams, who.
decades later would play her husband
on Dynasty). The ravishing beauty
was quickly discovered by Hollywood
and found herself in a supporting role
in Carmen Jones (1954) with another
African-American legend, Dorothy
Dandridge. In1959 Carroll played
Clara in the film version of Porgy and
Bess; in 1962 she made history when
she became the first black woman to
win the Tony Award for best actress,
for the musical No Strings.
From 1968 to 1971, Carroll starred
in her own TV series, Julia, as a young
single mother working as a nurse.
She was the first female African-
American TV star who didn't portray
a domestic worker, and she earned
anEmmy nomination anda Golden
Globe for the role. In 1974 Carroll
received a Best Actress Academy
Award nomination for Claudine,
making her the fourth black woman
to be so honored. (It would be almost
30 years beforean African-American
won; not surprisingly, Carroll was опе
ofthe women Halle Berry cited in her
emotional acceptance speech for
Monster's Ball.) She has headlined
shows asa singer in Las Vegas and
New York City, and released almost a
dozenalbums.
This sultry stunner's personal life
has been equally noteworthy. She
was married four times, most recently
to singer and actor Vic Damone. She
crushed the heart of British television
host David Frost when she broke off
their engagement to wed Las Vegas
boutique owner Fred Glusman, whom
she divorced within weeks. Another
husband, Jet magazine editor Robert
DeLeon, was killed in a car crash.
Now Carroll works tirelessly as a
breast-cancer activist, inspired by her
own battle with the disease. She even
invited a camera crew into her treat-
ment room for a national broadcast
special, 1a Minute, which features,
among others, fellow survivors Olivia
Newton-John, Jaclyn Smith, and
Melissa Etheridge. The docudrama is
dueto be released later this year.
Diahann Carroll is still beautiful, still
making her mark, and still capturing
our attention at every turn ^u
MAGES
5
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