PLAYBOY

PRICE

PLAYBILL

WE WANT TO START Out this jssuc of
FLAYBoy with an apology to all out
readers for the delay in handling sub
scriptions and getting copics to our news:
stand dealers during the last three
months. One cold morning carly in
December, а courier of the U. S. Post
Office walked into our reception roont
and poured more mail onto the desk
than we had previously received in a
week. Ninety-nine per cent of those let-
ters turned out to be newsstand and
subscription orders and they've contin-
ued to come in like that ever since.

It 5 a certain length of time for
anything new to “catch on” — a new tele-
vision show, a new brand of toothpaste,
ог a new magazine. At some uncalcula
able point late last fall, pLavnoy began
“catching on" and though we've had
everyone from receptionist to editors
working nights since then, we haven't
been able to keep up with the demand.

It took us а year to build our print
run from an ial 70,000 to 175.000.
PLAYROY costs 50c a copy and is aimed
a rather restricted, sophisticated. audi-
ence, so we were well pleased with that
growth. But in two more issues (Janu-
ary and February) гілувоу jumped
from 175.000 to 250.000, and this month
we're printing 350,000.

We can't help but be plcased by this
enthusiastic response to the magazine.
but we are sorry about the delay in
handling a number of the orders and we
hope that those inconvenienced under-
stand. Regular readers are probably con-

fused because this issue is dated April,
since last month's issue bore a February
dite. We've advanced our dates by a
month in order to have our sales periods
more similar to our competition. No
issue bearing a March date was pub-
lished. Subscribers will receive an addi
tional issue at the end of their sub-
scriptions, Bigger sales will mean a bigger,
better pLayuoy. Those who keep t
of such things know that we added four
additional pages last month. ‘There'll
be more pages of color in forthcoming
issues and some very special features that
be worth the price of the magazine
all by themselves.

This March issue of рглувоу, carefully
prepared and edited for your pleasure,
includes fine new stories by Charles
Beaumont, author of “Black Country
and Р. С. Wodchouse, creator of the
famous Jeeves. We think you'll be
amused by “The Faithfull and Obedient
Servants” and “Modern Ам As А
Hobby" — “Servants” is based on the
true experiences of American George
T. W. Goodman when he tried to buy
а suit of clothes at а very conservative
English ют’ and “Art” is based on
the much-toogood-to-be-true experiences
of that artists’ artist, Roger “Droodles
Price. You'll also find a collection of
pithy proverbs illustrated by Ary Miller,
another lovely Playmate photographed
by Hal Adams, and a number of other
entertaining features sandwiched in be-
tween that we're going to let you dis-
cover for yourselves.

DEAR PLAYBOY

PLAYBOY FOR POLIO
PLAYBOY is going great guns in our

territory and the only thing wrong is
we sell out in about two weeks and have
to stall until the next issue comes out.
To illustrate just how great the de-
mand is right here in Fort Collins, |
received word from one of our dealers
yesterday that a copy sold at the Lions
Club Luncheon for a five dollar bill.
‘The gimmick was that the dealer took
а copy of ылувох to lunch with him
along with a donation cup for the
March of Dimes and they passed the
copy around the table and it cost the
members 10c for a glance at the Play-
mate of the Month. Then they auc-
tioned the copy of млувох off for
$5.00 and aM the proceeds went to
the March of Dimes.

Ray Schaefer, Mgr.

Poudre Valley News Co.

Fort Collins, Colorado

GOOD LOOKING WRITERS
My employer gets your magazine
regularly and 1 manage to sneak a
good look when he is out of the office.
I liked the pictures of the contribut-
ors in your January issue, Ray Brad-
bury is very good looking and Thomas
Mario has the face of angel. Can he
really cook? And if so, is he married?
Angelina S.
New York, New York
“Angel Face" Mario has been a. pro-
fessional chef for a number of years,
Angelina, but we're sorry lo report
he is married.

ANNOUNCER
January

AUDIBLE
issue

with “The Stag At Ev a
In it was a poem entitled Оп Certain
FM Announcers, that ran

“1 will concede their lofty aim

15 eminently laudable

Their gentle comment none can

blame.

But must they be inaudible?”

Well, our aims may not always be
lofty, but damnitall, we're audible.

Phil Painter

An Audible Announcer”
Station WSOU-FM
South Orange, New Jersey

PLAYBOY PARODY

The Arizona Kitty Kat puts out a
parody issue cvery year. Because we
enjoy it ourselves and have heard so

much discussion concern PLAYBOY
around school, we would like to have
ermission to parody your magazine.
We would name our parody PLAY-
GIRL, using men instead of women to
fill its pages. This, wc thought, would
be particularly appropriate since both
the business manager and I are female.
Your immediate reply would be
reciated so we can plan the magazine.
t will take a lot of time to do both
PLAYGIRL and PLAYBOY justice.
Mary Ann Weaver, Editor
The Arizona Kilty Kat
University of Arizona
‘Tucson, Arizona
Permission is certainly granted, Mary
Ann. Just send us a copy.

DISGRACEFUL PLAYBOY

My husband has just received his first
issue of your magazine. To be brutally
frank, 1 consider your maga
and a disgrace to readers. Persoi
do not feel I should allow it in my
homc, since 1 have children under ten.
I suggest you think this over.

Mrs, №. А. Quasebarth
Arlington, Virginia

We've thought it over, Mrs. О, and
we think you'd better toss out hubby's
liquor and cigarettes, too — the young-
sters may take up drinking and smok-
ing.

Your guy doesn't gripe about your
Ladies Home Journal or the kids’ com-
ics, why don't you let him enjoy his ©
magazine in peace? Pity the poor man
whose reading has to be reduced to the
level of a ten year old's.

PLAYBOY VS. LADY GODIVA

Туе just finished reading the January
issue of PLAYBOY, cover to cover, for the
second time. 1 don't know how а maga-
zinc can be so consistently outstanding
and interesting. 1 usually get first turn
at a new issue when my husband brings
it home — that is, if I'm lucky enough
to grab it first. I lind everything in it
humorous and enjoyable and my hub-
bDy's reactions are сусп more pos
than that. The other evening I decided
(after seven years of marriage) to be
provocative for my husband, but it
didn't do a darn bit of good. his позе
was buried in one of your articles. 1
could have come in like Lady Codiva
and he wouldn't have known the differ-
ence. Thats just an example of the
power of PLAYBOY.

Mrs.
Salinas,

J. E. Mosier
California

ADDRESS PLAYBOY MAGAZINE

11 E. SUPERIOR ST., CHICAGO 11, ILLINOIS

WELL DRESSED PLAYBOY

1 have just read my February issue
of rravmoy Magazine and as usual it
was excellent.

I usually get a "kick"out of the Dear
Playboy mail, but the letter from Lionel
muelson sounds like a "pink elephant
neophyte” (and Samuelson will know
what Í mean by that).

He suggests that Mr. Jack J. Kessie
is a square peg in a round hole as far
as men's clothing is concerned, That
may be — I do not know the details of
Mr. Kessie’s complete taste in men's
styling. However, I have seen the type
of clothing Mr. Samuelson implies is
the latest word in Ye: "social circles"
and in his own men's shop: key chains
by the yard and Пар pocketed slacks
(not just one hip pocket but all pock-
ets) with the flap а "contrasting color."

are so
then
clien-

И Mr. Samuelson believes flaps
distasteful on suits or sport coats
why

with his

re they popu
on slacks?

I'm sure that the loud clashing limes,
helios and pinks will be a success іп
the shop МЕ. Samuelson represents 一
however successful that may be — but,
Mr. Samuelson, please do not set you
self up as the voice of the young men

of Texas! Fm an ex-Houstonian and
know that there are other “types” of
clothing stores in Houston.

Closing with a word to Mr. Kessie,
your article was in very good taste. I
particularly appreciated your comments
on shoes — omitting the dandy suedes.
Continue the fine reporting,

Jack Davis
‘Tulsa, Oklahoma

Writing a letter to a magazine editor
is a rare occasion for me, but your
“Well Dressed Playboy" article forces
me to sound off. Now don't get me
wrong, your mag is tops with me and
I practically haunt the newsstand till
it shows up. bul let us keep Play-
boy the smart, pioneering lad he's made
to be, not a milksop who follows the
every whim of fashion designers — this
is for ladies, not for gents. 1 agree that
afron suits with an extreme drape are
er, 5 хей
ге much too con-
n their dress — уош well

servative
dressed Playboy's attire is the same as
my grandpappy wore. Let's go forward,

rrAYBOY, not backward.

If men want that “natural look" they
can always join the local nudist colony.
Unfortunately, the average male is not
constructed like a Creek God and,

like the ladies, we can use a little pad-
ding to help the situation. I'm six feet
tall and weigh 170 pounds and look
like Sinatra's taller brother when I
try on the natural look. So, please, give
Mr. Playboy a little more snap and
sparkle in his attire.

Gene Wilson

Silver Springs, Md.

Т have just read Jack J. Kessie’s а
ticle on yboy
Here Kessie gives a running descrip-
tion of the Ivy League Look complete
to the slight garish Edwardian w.
coat. Kessie’s "man" is so stylish it al-
most hurts.

Being a regular reader of rtAvnov, 1
remember an article by, I believe, Shep-
herd Mead, kidding the hell out of the
Brooks Brothers style. And that's just
exactly what Kessie is now prescribing.
Whats praysoy doing? Recanting?

Richard Moneymaker (No cracks)
Yale University
New Haven, Connecticut

The article kidding Brooks Brothers
was by Julien Dedman. We often spoof
the things dearest to us, Dick, and Yale
Grad Dedman went right out and spent
the check from that article on another
addition to his Brooks Brothers ward-
robe. PLAY8OY admits to a partiality to
the “natural look.” Admittedly, every-
one docsn't look best in styles as extreme
as BB's, but the basic lines are funda-
mental to good dress. You've got to
make up your mind whether you want
to look like a sporty cowboy or a young
New York executive, The girls we know
prefer. execs.

TOO MUCH VARIETY

Why does pLaynoy insist on including
sports, fashion, jazz and theatre in its
pages? Variety is fine, but why sacri-
lice enjoyment? In the January issue,
“Johnny Bear," “The Stag At Exe" and
"Ribald C KS" were great — “The
Well Dressed Playboy," "Santa's Baby"
and "West Coast Jazz" were not. Don't
Jose track of your goal — entertainment

University of Kansas
Lawrence,

PLAYBOY AT COLLEGE

I have just finished reading the Jan-
wary issue of pravsoy from cover to
cover and the only thing I can say is,
"Стелс!" Steinbeck's “The Ears of John-
ny Bear" was the most and Miss Jan-
чагу was out of this world. Herc at
Old Mizzou rLAvmo is gaining popu-
larity fast. Five minutes after | pur-
1 was beset from all
"Let me read it next"
the word مس مت‎ is men-
tioned around here, the fellows’ eves
light up and the girls go green with
envy.

Gayle R. Ludwig
Missouri University
Columbia, Missouri

PLAYBOY has hit the University of
Oklahoma campus like nothing has cver
hit it before. It is in the process of re-
placing women in the men's dorms and
frat houses, since they've а rule about
women dating back to 1892. Your first
issue of the new year was the finest
yet. It's hard to keep а copy of PLAY-
mov around the house. As soon as 1
get а new issue, all the fellows develop
the cars of Johnny Bear and come rush-
ing to borrow, beg, or steal it.

Jack Welsh

Alpha Sigma Phi
University of Oklahoma
Norman, Oklahoma

PLAYBOY is undoubtedly the most
popular magazine to appear оп the
Indiana campus by my
favorite newsstand today looking for
the January issue and heard at least a
dozen other guys bitching because it
wasn't in yet.

University
Bloomington, Indiana

We recently acquired an eighth hand
copy of the October issue of PLaynoy.
Orchids to you on the college drinking
songs. Since we are both college drink-
ers, we wondered if you know of any
collection of song: the same уст. We
are especially interested їп a song
called "Tice." We would appreciate any
information you might be able to sup-
ply on how to acquire such а collection.

"Tom Coulter

Buzz Summe:

Stanford, alil.

Sorry, fellows, we don't know of any
such collection. We had to gather the
ones we printed through personal re-
search in college pubs from Yale to

Didn't come across a song called
e,” though, or if we did, we were
too far gone at the time 10 write it
down.

PLAYBOY PRESCRIBED

THE BEST FROM PLAY-
en tọ me during a
siege of sickness this past month. Need-
less to say, it was very much enjoye
and aided my recovery greatly. On my
way to the doctor's office last F
1 discovered a copy of your excellent
magazine on the newsstand. It was bet-
ter than all the medicines the doctors
have prescribed. So I'm enclosing sub-
scriptions for myself and each of the
doctors who helped in my recovery. 1
know they'll agree that PLAYBOY is
better than pills.

Jack MacAlister
Syracuse, New York.

LONDON PLAYBOY

I certainly enjoy my copies of Prav-
mov, but must confess that the know-
ledge that 1 receive copies, which seems
to have percolated throughout this of-
fice building, has brought about three
successful attempts at larceny. For-

tunately these took place after I had
read the issues. It would seem that if
one wishes to retain the copies, the
safest thing is to take out an insurance
policy covering replacement — and I
would suggest that you might include
such a policy in your subscription rates.

A. Conrad Tapster, Mgr.

Mirror Features

London, England

MISS DECEMBER
Just finished your Anniversary Issue
(December) and have two compliments
for you. First, PLAYBOY is the best, most
entertaining magazine on the stands
today. Second, your picture story on
Photographing а Playmate was tremen-
dous. That Terry Ryan is the most
beautiful, sexiest girl I've ever seen.
Rocky McCoy
Sedalia, Md.

Have been enjoying your magazine
since carly last year. Cover to cover,
every issue hi aled to me, except
oo the Playmates. That is until you hit
the jackpot twice in a row with Terry
Ryan and Betty Page. These two were
terrific. Now when you give us Irish
McCalla and Eve Meyer, ГИ have to
join your ever growing 100% club. Kee
up the fine work regardless of the Ar-
mins, phantom or real.

Gordon Osborne
San Francisco,

Calif,

"irl
the

We've voted Terry Ryan “The
We Would Like to Swab Down
Most.

Radio Gang
USS. Power

% Fleet Post Office
New York, New York

If anyone doubts that your Decem-
ber issue is a "hot" one, please refer
them to the enclosed envelope in which
my copy was mailed. Not only did
Terry Ryan sizzle her way through the
envelope, but the top of the mag is
scorched, too. Any other evidence of
fire in the post office due to Miss Ryan?
al 7. Oppenheim

Beverly Hills, Calif.

The envelope Saul sent us had the
top end burned off. We guess the next
time we run a picture story like "Photo-
graphing А Playmate," we'll have to
mail it in envelopes of asbestos.

Your Miss December, Terry Ryan,
happens to be a very good friend of one
of the guys in the house who subscribes
to the magazine. All we've heard around
here since the issue came out is "how
much fun" he is going to have with
her when he is home in New York for
the holidays.

Jim Beckerich
Purdue University
W. Lafayette, Indiana
Your buddy is pulling your leg, Jim.
Terry doesn’t live in the cast.

CONTENTS РОК
THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE

THE HUNGER-ficion ... -CHARLES BEAUMONT 6

THE FAITHFULL SERVANTS—humor GEORGE J. W. GOODMAN 9

EXECUTIVE FLIGHT—pictorial - m
WORLDLY WISDOM—pictorial .... ARV MILLER 15
PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES—humor _— —À 23

CONSIDER THE CRAB—food — THOMAS MARIO 27
MISS APRIL—playboy’s playmate of the month _ 28
RIBALD CLASSICS—fiction -GUY DE MAUPASSANT 32
DRINKING COMPANIONS-pictorial .. IRGIL PARTCH 34
A TITHE FOR CHARITY—fiction ... P. G. WODEHOUSE 36
NAKED ADVERTISING pictorial Ex 38
COCKTAIL QUIZ—games JOSEPH С, STACEY 45
MODERN АВТ AS A HOBBY—humor 一 一 ROGER PRICE 47

PLAYBOY'S BAZAAR—buying guide . 53

HUGH М. HEFNER, editor and publisher
RAY RUSSELL, associate editor

ARTHUR PAU:
JOSEPH PACZEK, assistant art director

, ай director

ELDON SELLERS, advertising manager

Note: We have advanced the doting of our issues by а month in
order to make our sales period more comparable to competing
publicotions. No issue doted March was published. Subscribers
will receive an additional issue at the end of their subscription.

Playboy ts published monthly by the HMH Publishing Co Inc
11 E. Superior, Chicago 11, Illinois. Postage must accompany all
manuscripts and drawings submitted if they cre to be returned
and no responsibility can be assumed for unsolicited materials.
Entry as second-class matler applied for at the Post Office
Chicago, Illinois, October 14, 1954. Contents copyrighted 1955 by
HMH Publishing Co. Inc. Nothing may be reprinted in whole or
in part without writlen permission. Printed in U.S.A. Any similar-
ity between the people and places mentioned in this magozine
and any real people and places is purely coincidental,
Subscriptions: In the U.S., its possessions, and Canada, $13_for
three years, $10 for two years, $6 for one year, in advance. Else-
where, $12 а year, in advance. Please allow three weeks for
entering а new subscription, renewals, cnd changes of address.
Credits: Cover design by Arthur Paul, photographed by Arihur
James, with model Leigh Lewin; P. 28.29 Hal Adams: P. 34-5 from
"Beltle Fatigue," copyright 1956 by Virgil Partch, with permission
of the publishers, Little Brown & Co., and Duell, Sloan & Pearce:
Р. 47-8 from “In One Head and Out the Other,” copyright 1951 by
Roger Price, published by Simon and Schuster, Inc.

Wodehouse Р.

AOSAV'Id

vol. 2, no. 4 — april, 1955

THE

unger

By Charles Beaumont

NOW, WITH THE sUN almost gone, the
sky looked wounded — as if a gigantic
razor had been drawn across it, slicing
deep. it bled richly. And the wind,
which came down from High Mountain,
cool as rain, sounded a little like chil-
dren crying: a soft, unhappy kind of
sound, rising and falling.

Afraid, somehow, it seemed to Julia.
Terribly afraid.

She quickened her step. I'm an idiot,
she thought, looking away Пот the
sky. A complete idiot. Thats why I'm
frightened now; and if anything hap-
pens — which it won't, and can't 一
an Т1 have no one to blame but my-
self.

She shifted the bag of groceries to
her other arm and turned, slightly.
"There was no one in sight, except old
Mr. Hannaford, pulling in his news-
paper stands, preparing to close up the
drugstore, and Jake Spiker, barely mov-
ing across to thc Blue Haven for a glass
of becr: no one else. The rippling red-
brick streets were silent.

But even if she got nearly all the
way home, she could scream and some-
onc would hear her. Who would bc fool
enough to try anything right out in the
open? Not суеп a lunatic. Besides, it
wasn't dark yet, not technically, any-
way.

Sitll, as she passed the vacant lots,
all shoulderhigh in wild grass, Julia
could not help thinking, He might be
hiding there, right now. It was possible.
Hiding there, all crouched up, waiting.
And he'd only have to grab her, and 一
she wouldn't scream. She knew that sud-

It grew inside him, bubbling like hot
acid, howling to be released as he

stalked through the terrified town

4 the thought terrified her-
imes you can't scream ...

If only she'd not bothered to get that
spool of yellow thread over at Young-
егэ, it would be bright daylight now,
bright dear daylight. And 一

Nonsense! This was the middle of the
town. She was surrounded by houscs
full of people. People all around. Every-
where.

(He was a hunger; a need; a force.
Dark. emptiness filled him. He moved,
when he moved, like a leaf caught in
some dark and secret river, rushing.
But mostly he slept now, like an animal,
always ready to wake and leap and be
gone...)

The shadows came to life, dancing
where Julia walked. Now the sky was
ugly and festered, and the wind had be-
come stronger, colder. She clicked along
the sidewalk, looking straight ahead,
wondering, why, why am I so infer-
nally stupid? What's the matter with

hen she was home, and it was all
over. The trip had not taken more than
an hour. And here was Maud, running.
Julia felt her sister's arm fly around
her, hugging. "God, my God."

And Louise's voice: "We were just
about to call Mick to go after you."

Julia pulled free and went into the
kitchen and put down the bag of grocer-
ics.

“Where in the world have you been?"
Maud demanded.

“l had to get something at Young-
er's." Julia took off her coat. "They had
to go look for it, and — I didn't keep

"Well, 1 don't
You're just

you're alive, that's an"
ow 一

You listen! He's out there some-
where. Don't you кше ies that? It's

id, not knowing
ely convinced of

"Ot course they will. Meantime, how
many more is he going to murder? Can
you answer me that”

“I'm going to put my coat
Julia brushed past her siste
she turned and said, "lin sorry
were worried. It won't happen aga
She went to the closet, feeling strange-
ly upset. They would. talk about it to
night. All night. Analyzing, hinting.
They would talk of no-
as from the very first. And
they would not be able to conc their

Wasn't it awful about poor Eva

Schillings!
No,

ia had thought: from her
point of view it was not awful
It was wonderful.

at all. It was price-
less.

и news.

Julia's sisters Sometimes she

ght of them as mice. Giant gray
. in high white collars: groaning
a liule, panting a little, working about

the house. Endlessly, untiringly: they
would squint at pictures, knock them
crooked, then straighten them again:

st from clean

carpets and took the i
side in shining pans and du
carefully into spotless apple-baskets;
they stood by beds whose sheets shone
aming white and tight, and clucked
їп soft disgust, and replaced the sheets
with others. All day, every day, from six
in the morning until most definite
dusk. Never questioning, never doubt-
ing that the work had to be done.

They ran like arteries through the
old house, keeping it alive. For it had
become now a part of them, and they
part of it — like the handcrank mahog-
any Victrola in the hall, or the lion-
pelted sofa, or the Boutelle piano (ten
years silent, its keys yellowed and de-
cayed and ferocious, like the tceth of
an aged mule).

Nights, they spoke of sin. Also of
other times and better days; Maud and
Louise — sitting there in the bellying
heat of the obsolete but steadfast stove,
hooking rugs, crocheting doilies, sewing
linen, chatting, chatting.

Occasionally Julia listened, because
she was there and there was nothing
else to do; but mostly she didn't. It
had become a simple thing to rock and
nod and think of nothing at all, while
they waded dreams of dead husband:
constantly relishing their mutual wid-
owhood — relishing it! — pitching these
Е ghosts into moral combat.
God rest him, was an һопога
5 all, Julia would
think, all honorable men; but we arc
here to praise Caesar, not to bury him

.) “Jack would be alive today if it
n't been for that trunk-lid slamming
down on his head: that's what started
it all.” Poor Ernie! Poor Jack!

(He walked along the railroad tracks,
blending with the night. He could
have been young, or old: an age-hiding
beard dirtied his face and throat. He
wore a blue sweater, ripped in a dozen
places. On the front of the sweater
was sewn a large felt letter Е. Also
sewn there was а small design showing
a football and callipers. His gray
trousers were dark with stain where he
had fouled them. He walked along the
tracks, seeing and not secing the pulse
of light far ahead; thinking and not
thinking, Perhaps ГИ find it there,
Perhaps they won't catch me, Perhaps
I won't be hungry any more

“You forgot the marga
said, holding the large sack upside
dow

I? I'm sorry." Julia took her
place at the table. The food immedi-
ately began to make her ill: the sight
of it, the smell of it. Great bowls of
beans, crispskinned chunks of turkey,
mashed potatoes. She put some on her
plate, and watched her sisters. They
ate carnestly; and now, for no reason,
this, too, was upsetting.

She looked away. What was it? What
was wrong?

“Mick says that fellow didn't die,”

Maud announc

What fellow

“At the asylum, that got choked. He's
going to be all right.”

“That's good.

Louise broke a square of toast. She
addressed Maud: “What else did he say,
when you talked to him? Are they mak-
g any prog
Some. 1 understand there's a bunch
of police coming down from Seattle —
of course, you can imagine how much
Mick likes that!”

“Well, it’s his own fault. If he was
any kind of a sheriff, he'd of caught
that fellow a long ic before this. I
mean, after all, Burlington just isn’t
that. bi; Loui dismembered а tur-
key lcg, ripped little shreds of the meat
off, put them into her mouth.

Maud shook her head. "I don't know.
Mick claims it isn't like catching an
ordinary criminal. With this one, you
ncver can guess what he's going to do,
or where he'll be. Nobody has
out how he stays alive, for inst

“Probably,” Louise said, "hc
bugs and things."

Julia folded her napkin quickly and
pressed it onto the table.

Maud said, “No. „Мом likely he finds
sway dogs and cats."

They finished the meal in silence.
Not, ]u knew, because there was any
lull in thought: merely so thc rest
could bc savored in the livingroom,
next to the A proper placc for
thing.

They moved out of the kitchen. Lou-
ise insisted on doing the dishes, while
Maud settled at the radio a
find a local news broadcast.

ed. “Julia —”

ce,
eats

think they'd at le
Isn't diat the least they could do:
materialized in her Е

vorite

ir. The kitchen was dark. The stove
warmed noisily, its thin metal sides un-
dulating.

And it was time.
Where do you suppose he is right
now?" Maud said.

Louise shrugged. "Out there some-
where. If they'd got him, Mick would
of called us. He's out there somewhere.”

"Yes. Laughing at all of us, too, ГИ
wager. Trying to figure out who'll be

sat in the rocker and tried not
en. Outside, there was the wind.
А cold wind, biti the kind that
slips right through window-putty, that
you can feel on the glass. Was there
ever such a cold wind? she wondered.

Then Louisc's words started to echo.
"He's out there somewhere . . . "

Julia looked away from the window,
and attempted to take an interest in
the lacework in her lap.

Louise was talking. Нег
flashed along silver needles.
spoke to Mrs. Schillings today

"I don’t want to hear about it.”
Maud's eves flashed like the needles.
sod love her heart, she's just about
crazy. Could barely talk.”

(continued on page 10)

fingers

humor

THE FAITHFULL AND OBEDIENT SERVANTS

selecting a suit from conservative english tailors is

an experience an american isn’t apt to forge . . .

the brass plates beside its austerely ele-
gant doorways. The names on the brass
plates belong to tailors, some of whom
have their premises blocks away but
keep опе room on Savile Row because
that address has, like Rolls Royce on a
car radiator, an aura of ageless prestige,
impeccable taste, and bottomless wealth.
My battle with Savile Row began half
а decade ago, after my junior усаг at
Harvard, and it cheered me tremen-
dously until my final disgrace.

I came to the tailors ГЇЇ call S.
coner's Sons equipped with the required
two letters of reference from old cus-
tomers, but dressed the student-tour-
ist costume of the day: battered rainhat,

plastic raincoat, wrinkled seersucker
coat, and armysurplus khaki pants. It
may have been this costume which

brought a face to the other side of the
plate glass window I was contemplating.
On the window there were seven royal
seals; lions and unicorns gamboled ram-
pant amid symphonic declarations of

Ich Dien and Dieu et mon Droit, The
face appeared between two of these seals
— her late majesty the queen, honi soit
qui mal y pense, 1887, and Н. М. Al-
phonso of Spain, 1926 一 and watched
with some distaste as 1 strolled up the
stairs to check the brass plate that read
5 lconer's Sons. lors and Breeches
Makers. . Bentinck-Cavendish hur-
ried to the door, as if to explain quickly
that this was not the Ame Éxpress
Company.

he said.

“Thought I'd get a suit," I replied.

Mr. Bentinck-Cavendish looked at my
clothes and reached for my reference
letters. We stood in the doorway while
he read them, his long neck swivelling
in owlish jerks across each line and turn-
ing frictionless against his stiff wing col-
lar.

“Well,” he said finally, "a friend of
Mr. Lansdowne. And of Mr. Attwood.
Mr. Lansdowne had a very nice suit in-
deed. Come in, plea

We entered a dark, panelled room
suggestive of old port and mellow cigars.

BY GEORGE J. W. GOODMAN

Several bolts of cloth lounged under a
pair of stag's heads; cach of the heads
bore a metal date-tag and an unpro-
nouncable Scottish name. At one end
of the room there was a full-length por-
trait of Edward VII, presumably а pa-
. At the other end, a young
woman perched on a three-legged stool,
writing at a desk. The fountain pen in
her hand seemed an anachronism. Мг.
Bentinck-Cavendish introduced те to
her, as he did to other members of the
staff in the cutting and fitting rooms.
Everyone inquired after the health of
my referees. Then we returned to the
vendish

main room, and Mr. Bentinck-

Г you think that's okay."
see,” said Mr. Bentinck-Cavendish.
"Something suitable for diplomatic re-
ceptions in the late afternoon, and yet
correct for informal wear in the eve-

ning."
l'said that was just what I had in
mind. We selected a dark tweed and
recorded the measurements, and then
(continued on page 21)

PLAYBOY

10

hunger (continued from page 8)

“God, God.”

“I wicd to comfort her, of course,
but it didn't do any good."

Julia was glad she had Бесп spared
that conversation. It sent a shudder
across her even to think about it. Mrs.
Schillings was Eva's mother, and Eva —
only seventeen . . . The thoughts she
vowed not to think, came back. She
reniembered. Mick's description of the
body, and his words: “ ہے‎ she'd got
through with work over at the tele-
phonc office around about nine. Carl
үне offered to see her home, but

е says she said not to bother, it was
only a few blocks. Our boy must have
been hiding around the other side of the
cannery. Just as Eva passed, he jumped.
Raped her and then strangled her. 1
figure he's a pretty man-sized bugger.
Thumbs like to went clean through
the throat..."

In two wecks, three women had died.
First, Charlotte Adams, the librarian.
She had been taking her usual shortcut
across the school playground, about
9:15 P. M. They Gana her by the
slide, her clothes ripped from her body,
her throat raw and bruised.

Julia tried very hard not to think of
it, but when her mind would clear,
there were her sisters’ voices, droning,
pulling her back, deeper.

She remembered how the town had
reacted. It was the first murder Burling
ton had had in fifteen years. It was the
very first mystery. Who was the sex-
crazed killer? Who could have done
this terrible thing to Charlotte Adams?
One of her gentlemen friends, perhaps.
Or a hobo, from one of the nearby
jungles. От...

Mick Daniels and his tiny force of
deputies had swung into action im-
mediately. Everyone in town took up
the spic, chewed it, talked it, chewed
it, ол it lost its shape completely.
The air became clectrically charged.
And a grim gaicty swept Burlington,
reminding Julia of a circus where every-
one is forbidden to smile.

Days passed, uneventfully. Vagrants

were pulled in and released. People
were questioned. A few were booked,
temporarily.
"Then, when the hum of it had begun
it happened again. Mrs. Dovie
Samuelson, member of the local P-T.A.,
mother of two, moderately attracti
and moderately young, was found in
her garden, sprawled across a rhododen-
dron bush, quite dead. She was naked,
and it was established that she had been
Of the killer, once aga
was no trace.

Then the State Hospital for the
Criminally Insane released the informa-
tion that one of its inmates — a Robert
Oakes — had escaped. Mick, and many
others, had known this all along. Oakes
had originally been placed in the asy-
lum on a charge of raping and murder-
ing his cousin, a girl named Patsy Blair.

Now he was loose. After he had brok-
en into his former home and stolen

some old school clothes, he had disap-
peared, totally.

Burlington, population 3,000, went
into a state of ecstasy: delicious fear
gripped the town. The men foraged out
at night with torches and weapons; the
women squeaked and looked under
their beds and . . . chatted.

But still no progress was made. The
maniac eluded hundreds of searchers.
They knew he was near, perhaps at
times only a few feet away, hidden; but
always they returned home, defeated.

They looked in the forests and in
the fields and along the river banks.
They covered High Mountain — a min-
iaturc hill at the south end of town 一
like ants, g at every clump of
brush, investigaung abandoned
tunnel and water tank. They broke into
deserted houses, searched barns, silos,

aystacks, tree tops. They looked every-
where, everywhere. And found nothing.

When they decided for sure that their
killer had gone far away, that hc
couldn't conceivably be within fifty
miles of Burlington, а third crime was
committed. Young Eva Schillings’ body
had been found, less than a hundred
yards from her home.

And that was three days ago . . -

^... they get him," Louise was say-
ing, "they ought to kill him by little
pieces, for what he's done."

Maud nodded. “Yes; but they won't."

"Of course they—"

"No! You wait. They'll shake his
hand and lead him back to the bug-
housc and wait on him hand and foot —
till he gets a notion to bust out again."
‘Well, Га of a mind the people will
e something to say about that.”
Maud continued, never lift-
ing her eyes from her knitting, “what
makes you so sure they will catch him?
Supposing he just drops out of sight
for six months, and — "

"You stop tha
Even if he is a ma
man."

“I really doubt that. I doubt that
a human would have done these awful

They'll get him.
с, he's still hu-

things. fed. Suddenly, like
small rivers, tears began to course

down her snowbound checks, cutting
and melting the hard white-packed pow-
der, revealing flesh bencath even paler.
Her hair was shot with gray, and her
dress was the color of rocks and moths;
yet, she did not succeed їп looking
either old or frail. There was nothing
whatever frail about Maud.

“Iles а man," she said. Her lips
seemed to curl at the word. Louise nod-
ded, and they were quict.

(His ragged tennis shoes padded
softly on the gravel bed. Now his heart
was trying to tear loose from his chest.
The men, the men . . . They had almost
stepped on him, they were that close.
But he had been silent. They had gone
past him, and away. He could see their
flares back in the distance. And far
ahead, the pulsing light. Also a square

building: the depot, yes. He must be
careful. He must walk in the shadows.
He must be very quiet.

The fury burned him, and he fought
it.

Soon.

It would be all right, soon...)

n . think about it, this here ma-
niac is only doing what every man
would like to do but can't.”

"Maud!"

“I mean it. 105 a man's natural in-
stinct — it's all they ever think about.
Maud smiled. She looked up. "Julia,
you're feeling sick. Don't tell me you're
not."

"I'm all right" Julia said, tight-
ening her grip on the chairarms slight-
ly. She thought, they've been married!
They talk this way about men, as they
always have, and ‘yet soft words have
been spoken to them, and strong arms
placed around their shoulders . . .

Maud made tiny circles with her fin-
gers. “Well, I can't force you to take
care of yourself, Except, when you
land in the hospital again, 1 suppose
you know who'll be doing the worrying
and staying up nights — as per usual.”

I'll... go on to bed in a minute.”
But, why was she hesitating? Didn't
she want to be alone?

Why didn't she want to be alone?

Louise was testing the door. She
rattled the knob vigorously, and re-
turned to her chair.
would he

"Ww
Maud said, "with two old biddies like

want anyway,"

us?”

“We're not so old,” Louise said,
saying, actually: "That's truc; мете
old.

But it wasn't truc, not at all. Look-
ing at them, studying them, it suddenly
occurred to Julia that her sisters were
ashamed of their essential attractive-
ness. Beneath the "twenties hair-dos, the
ill-used cosmetics, the ancient dresses
(which did not quite succeed in con-
ccaling their still voluptuous physiques).
Maud and Louise were youthfully full
and pretty. They were. Not even the
birch-twig toothbrushes and traditional
snuff could hide it.

Yet, Julia thought, they envy me.

They envy my plainness.

“What kind of a man would do such
heinous things?” Louise said, mispro-
nouncing the word, carefully, heen-
ious.

And Julia, without calling or forming
the thought, discovered an answer
grown in her mind: an impression, a
fecling.

What kind of a man?

А lonely man.

It came upon her like a chill. She
rose from the pillowed chair, lightly.
"I think," she said, “ГИ go on to my
room.

"Are your windows good and locked?"

"Mes

"You'd better make sure. All he'd
have to do is climb up the drainpipe.
Maud's expression was peculiar. Was
she really saying, "This is only to com-

(continued on page 14)

BURNING THE CANDLE at both
ends has been old stuff among
top execs for some time. In
the upper echelons of busi-
ness, there's nothing particu-
larly new or exciting in com-
pleting almost a [ull day of
work in, say, Chicago, and
spending the evening at a
conference in New York. But,
until recently, there was
something very wrong with
this way of life.

What was wrong was Ну-
pertension, Nervous Collapse
and Ulcers.

‘The busy business man can
usually renew his depleted
energies in the P.M. by either
pipeandalippering it at the
amily hearthstone or relax-
i n some quiet bistro.
"s nothing relaxing,
er, about working all
day in Chicago and all night
in New York. There wasn't,
that is, until United Air Lines

it's a club
in the sky

Sor the

man of affairs

EXECUTIVE FLIGHT

12

took pity on the poor tycoon and inau:
urated its Executive Flight

Basically, this is simply a special
flight, restricted to male passengers, that
leaves Chicago's Midway airport at 5
Р.М. and ds in New York two hours
and forty-five minutes later. But, in
ractice, the "Executive" is much more
ins of getting from one
е to another. The tired exec finds
it a delightful interlude between im-
portant affairs, a combination hearth-
stone and bistro designed to restore the
inner man. Thc special flight has made
such a hit that United now gives West
Coast VIPs a break by setting up the
same arrangement between Г.А. and
Frisco.

What makes the “Executive” the only
thing of its kind in the world is the
atmosphere of masculine informality
that prevails. After a day in а Chicago
office, a man wants to pull off his shoes,
shed his jacket and loosen his necktie.

xecutive Flight, he can do
without fecling like a social
outcast. There arc no female passengers
to raise pencilled eyebrows in disap-
proval. "Ihe only girls aboard are a
couple of unobtrusive stewardesses who
encourage him to relax and even pro-
vide him with a pair of comfortable
knitted slippers.

If he pulls out a hidden морс or a
pipe, she won't smile icily and ask him
to drop it out the window — she'll
light it for him. And. as a veteran of

igarless airllights, our friend
finds this а welcome innovation.

When the luxury airliner has been
in the ozone about forty-five minutes.
dinner is served. And before dinner. to
sharpen his appetite, the flying execu-
uve has his choice of a Martini, an Old
Fashioned or Scotch-on-the-rocks—served
in a cruct that holds a potent four
ounces, He finds this plenty, because a
little liquor goes a long way when you're

sitting in a pressurized cabin in the sky.
Dinner and strong coffce fortify him for
the business stratagems ahead.

By this time, the male camaraderie is
in full swing. Mellowed by food and
drink, the exec may join his fellow p
sengers in a [riexdly game of pok

As
he deals out the cards, he tells a party
joke or two that evoke raucous laugh-
ter and more jokes from his new friends.

JE he prefers, he may bypass the poker
and check the latest market quotations
available in the late papers, put aboard
just before takeoff.

Before he knows it, the New York
skyline comes into view. He has one
last cigar or cigarette, straightens his
. puts on his shoes and jacket, and
picks up his briefcase. Then the airliner
nds and he steps out, relaxed and
refreshed, ready for Big Deals. And, as
a matter of fact, ready for a little fun
when the Big Deals are consummated.

The "Executive" leaves Chicago's Midway Airport daily at 5 Р.М. and arrives in New York less than three hours later. During
the flight, passengers can smoke or drink, play cards or read stock reports in papers put aboard just before departure.

Above, left, a pretty hostess helps an exec slip his tired feet into comfortable slipper-socks. Below, passengers enjoy а
dinner of filet mignon, with salad, green beans, potatoes, coffee and dessert before setting down at La Guardia in the east.

PLAYBOY

14

hu NEEL (continued from page 10)
fort you, dear. Of the three of us its
unlikely he'd pick on you . . ."

“ГИ make sure." Julia walked to
the hallway. “Goodnight.”

“Try to get some sleep,” Louise
са. "And don't think about him,
We're perfectly sale. He couldn't
possibly get in, even if he tried. Be-
sides,” she added, “ГИ be awake.’

(He stopped and leaned against a
pole and looked up at the deaf and
swollen. sky. И was а moment of dark
shapes, a hurrying, а running.

He closed his eyes.

“The moon is the shepherd,
The clouds ате his sheep . . ."

He tried to hold the words, tried
very hard, but they scattered and were

опе.

“No. Мо”

Не pushed away {тот the pole, turncd
and walked back to the gravel bed.

The hunger grew: with every step И
grew. He thought that it had died,
that he had killed it at last and now
he could rest, but it had not died,
It sat inside him, inside his mind,
gnawing, calling, howling to be re-
leased. Stronger than before. Stronger
than ever before.

“The moon is the shepherd...”

A cold wind raced across the sur-
rounding fields of wild grass, turn-
ing the land into a heaving dark green
ocean. Il sighed up through the bran-
ches of cherry trees and rattled the
thick leaves. Sometimes a cherry would
break loose, tumble in the gale, fall
and split, filling the night with its
fragrance. The air was iron and loam
and growth.

He walked and tried to pull these
things into his lungs, the silence and
coolness of them.

But someone was screaming, deep in-
side him. Someone was talking.

“What are you going to do —"

He balled his fingers into fists.

“Get away from me! Get away!”

“Don't —"

The scream faded.

The girls face remained. Her lips
and her smooth white skin and her
eyes, her еуез...

He shook the vision away.

The hunger continued to grow. It
wrapped his body т sheets of living
fire. It got inside his mind and bub-
bled in hot acids, filling and filling him.

He stumbled, fell, plunged his hands
deep into the gravel, withdrew fists
full of the grit and sharp stones and
squeezed them until blood trailed down
his wrists.

He groaned, softly.

Ahead, the light glowed and pulsed
and whispered, Here, Here, Here, Here,
Here.

He dropped the stones and opened
his mouth to the wind and walked on.)

Julia closed the door and slipped the
lock noiselessly. She could no longer
hear the drone of voices: it was quiet,
still, but for the sighing breeze.

What kind of a man .

She did not move, waiting for hcr
heart to stop throbbing. But it would
not stop.

She went to the bed and sat down.
Her eycs traveled to the window, held
there.

"He's out there somewhere . - -

Julia felt her hands move along her
dress. И was an old dress, once pur-
ple, now grey with faded gray flowers.
The cloth was tissue-thin. Her fingers
touched it and moved upward to the
throat. They undid the top button.

For some reason her body trembled.
The chill had turned to heat, tiny
needles of heat, puncturing her all
over.

She threw the dress over a chair and
removed her underclothing. Then she
walked to the bureau and took from
the top drawer a flannel nightdress,
and turned.

What she saw in the tall mirror
caused her to stop and make a small
sound.

Julia Landon stared back at her from
the polished glass.

Julia Landon, thirty-eight, neither
young nor old, attractive nor unattrac-
tive, а woman so plain she was almost
АП angles and sharpness, and
would once have bcen called
Ку” but was now only white, dead
white. A little too tall. A little too thin.
And faded.

Only the eyes had softness. Only the
eyes burned. with life and youth and 一

Julia moved away from the mirror.
She snapped off the light. She touched
the window shade, pulled it slightly,
guided it soundlessly upward.

Then she unfastened the window
latch.

Night came into the room and filled
it. Outside, great. clouds roved across
the moon, obscuring it, revealing it,
obscuring it again.

It cold. Soon there would be
rain.

Julia looked out beyond the yard, in
the direction of the depot, dark and
silent now, and the tracks and the jung-
les beyond the tracks where lost pcople
lived.

“I wonder if he can see mi

She thought of the man who had
brought terror and excitement to the
town. She thought of him openly, for
the first time, trying to imagine his fea-
tures.

He was probably miles away.

Or, perhaps he was nearby. Behind
the tree, there, or under the hedge . . -

“I'm afraid of you, Robert Oake
she whispered to the night. “You're
insane, and a killer. You would fright-
en the wits out of me."

The fresh smell swept into Julia's
mind. She wished she were surrounded
by it, in it, just for a little while.

A walk. A short walk in the evening.
She felt the urge strengthening.

“You're dirty, young man. And heart-
less — ask Mick, if you don't believe me.

invisible,

You want love so badly you must kill
for it — but nevertheless, you're heart-
les. Understand? And you're not ter-
ribly bright, either, they say. Have you
read Shakespeare's sonnets? Herrick?
How about Shelley, then? There, you
sce! I'd detest you on sight. Just look at
your fingernails!

She said these things silently, but
as she said them she moved toward her
clothes.

She paused, went to the closet.

The green dress. It was warmer,

A rm dress and a short walk 一
that will clear my head. Then I'll come
back and slecp.

Jrs perfectly safe.

She started for the door, stopped, re-
turned to the window. Maud and Louisc
would still be up, talking.

She slid one leg over the sill; then
the other leg.

Softly she dropped to the frosted
lawn.

The gate did not creak.

She walked into the darkness.

Better. So much better! Good clean
air that you can breathe!

‘The town was a silence. A few lights
gleamed in distant houses, up ahead;
behind, there was only blackness, And
the wind.

In the heavy green frock, which was
still too light to keep out the cold —
though she felt no cold: only the need-
led heat — she walked away from the
house and toward the depot.

It was a small structure, unchanged
by passing years, like the Landon home
and most of the homes in Burli
There were wacks on either

Now it was deserted. Perhaps Mr.
Gaffey was inside, making insect sounds
on the wireless. Perhaps he was not,

Julia stepped over the first track,
and stood, wondering what had 0
pened and why she was here. Vaguely
she understood something. Something
about the yellow thread that had made
her late and forced her to return home
through the gathering dusk. And this
drcss — had she chosen it becausc it was
warmer than the gray one . . . or be-
cause it was prettier?

Beyond this point there was wilder-
ness, for miles. Marshes and fields,
overgrown with weeds and thick foliage.
The hobo jungles: some tents, dead
campfires, empty tins of canned-heat.

She stepped over the second rail, and
began to follow the gravel bed. Heat
consumed her. She could not keep her
hands 5

In a dim sort of way, she realized —
with a tiny part of her — why she had
соте out tonight.

She was looking for somcone,

The words formed in her mind, un-
willed: “Robert Oakes, listen, listen
to me. You're not the only one who is
lonely. But you can’t steal what we're
lonely for, you can’t take it by force.
Don't you know that? Haven't you
learned that уе?”

ТИ talk to him, she thought, and

(continued on page 51)

S M

в be in love. ТВ
ould never marry.
— Oscar Wilde

One should мар Bu

reason one

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all women are fair.

- Plutarch

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OBEDIENT SERVANTS

Mr. Bentinck-Cavendish brought out a
large book for me to sign.

“The last gentleman was one of your
compatriots. Had three very nice suits
made, Mr. Pierson did," he said. Mr.
Pierson had not written his address,
but merely Chmn of Board, TWA. I
signed under Mr. Pierson, giving my
address as Dunster House, my Harvard
dormitory.

“Only three names?" asked Mr.
Bentinck-Cavendish. I stared at the three
inadequate names and then sheepishly
dredged up a fourth which had lain
undisturbed for years on my birth cer-
tificate. Mr. Bentinck-Cavendish wrote
it in with a flourish.

“George Jerome Waldo Goodman,"
he said. "Much better. I'm sure we're
going to get along famously. And, Mr.
Goodman, if you desire theatre tickets
or train schedules or similar assistance,
please call upon us — all our young gen-
tlemen do.” He ushered me to the door,
glanced at my plastic raincoat, and
added, "if you require a coat, we usually
send our young gentlemen down to
Burberry."

During subsequent fittings, 1 began
10 learn what was required of one of
Mr. Bentinck-Cavendish’s young gentle-
men. The young gentleman. after frol-
icking the afternoon in Oscar Wilde
banter, sallied forth to the theatre, be-
cause Mr. Bentinck.Cavendish always
asked what he had been to see. He took
trains usually to Wiltshire and Glouces-
tershire, because Mr. Bentinck-Cavendish
always bemoaned the deteriorating serv-
ice on the Great Western Railway. Once,
when I noticed several sets of heavy
gloves, I learned that the young gentle-
man occasionally gardened.

“I thought," I asked, "that they live
in London and go to the theatre."

"Our young gentlemen," said Mr.
Bentinck-Cavendish, "live in London
and in the country.”

The young gentleman also rode (rid-
i 5), exercised his pack of hounds
walking stick, dog collars), got
aircuts by appointment, and never
went around barcheaded.

“ЛЕ you require a hat,” Мг. Bentinck-
Cavendish suggested reproachfully, “1
will have a few words with Herbert
Johnson, the hatter, and he will make
you one very quickly."

Even though Mr. Johnson did not
make ше a hat, I began to feel like
Cinderella dressing for the ball, and it
was with some regret that I informed
Mr. Bentinck-Cavendish I was leaving
Íor Scotland.

“Ah, Scotland,” he said. "Deer-stalking
or salmon? "The 3:12 is a good train,
you'll find. Many of our young gentle-
men take it."

I explained that unhappily 1 was
leaving Britain from Prestwick Airport,
Scotland, and that I would motor. (I
hitchhiked up the Great North Road
that afternoon.) I paid the bill and we
arranged to send the suit to the airport.
Three days later I paced at Prestwick's
departure counter until the last possible
minute, but the suit never arrived. 1
wrote from Boston and demanded its

continued from page 9

whereabouts, receiving, two weeks later,
the first of Mr. Bentinck-Cavendish's
many communications, оп stationery
with the seven royal seals — three kings.
two Princes of Wales, one queen, and
one duke.

Your aircraft, he charged, de-
parted before our suit arrived. The
garment you ordered has now re-
turned to the premises, and we re-
quest instruction as to its disposal.

We beg to remain, dear

Sir, Your most faithfull

and obedient servants,

S. Falconer's Sons

For a moment ] wondered whether
only Mr. Bentinck-Cavendish's American
young gentlemen got the benefit of the
seals and the extra 1 in faithful. J asked
{ог the suit again, and received, when
it came, a bill for two pounds sixpence
shipping charges, a bill I contested since
the responsibility for getting the suit
to the plane, I felt, rested with the send-
ers, Mr. Bentinck.Cavendish sent two
more bills. On the first, he addressed
me as Waldo Goodman Esq., and deftly
switched the D of Dunster into an M;
on the second, he inserted a hyphen
quictly between the names he liked best.
That [уреп so slyly provided gave me a
whole new identity. By the time he
began to write letters, Mr. Bentinck-
Cavendish had dropped both the Esquire
and the House. My first day as Waldo-
Goodman of Munster was a rainy Sat-
urday in late fall; I remember spinni

the combination on the mailbox ani
pulling out a baronial estate, the Palla-
dian manor of Munster, A Georgian
avenue of oak stretching from its foun-
tain to the gatehouse, where a red-

coated — huntsman waited, calling
“hounds, gentlemen, please.”
Undoubtedly, wrote Mr. Bentinck-

Cavendish, you have been busy with the
Season and have overlooked our Notice.
Mr. Bentinck-Cavendish was right; I was
busy with the Season; the Duke of
Dartmouth had just departed, leaving
a sleeping bag and an empty gin bottle,
and Viscount Princeton was due any
moment with his whole pack. The Sea-
son at old Munster was a hectic thing.
In the months following, Mr. Bent-
inck-Cavendish sent not only Notices for
B بی‎ six, but family news de-
signed to keep all his young gentlemen
in touch. Sometimes it was the Visit
of a Representative, a missionary with
a tape measure braving the plains of
provincial America to spread sartorial
Brace among youths only potentially
gentlemen. Occasionally there were the
milestones of birth and death within the
House of Falconer. ("It is with very deep
t that we have to advise you that

Mr. Pulworthy has been taken ill, has
been admitted to hospital, and has
died.") Always with a servile wave of
his plume, Mr. Bentinck-Cavendish
begged to remain my most faithfull and
obedient servant, each time reminding
me that I was no ordinary citizen sub-
ject to everyday crises; I was Waldo-
Goodman of Munster, serene, hyphen-
ated; playgoer, hound-walker, rider of
the 3:12. The letters and bills cheered

me long after I left the original Mun-
ster (death duties and Socialist govern-
ment) and to keep them coming I wrote
a little note to Mr. Bentinck-Cavendish
every six months or so. I wrote from an
Italian villa open to the public that I
had lost old Munster House, but that
his communications would be forwarded.
Once I crossed the city of Paris to get
some stationery from the Ritz Hotel,
so that Mr. Bentinck-Cayendish might
know I was still one of his young gentle-
men staying where he would approve,
in spite of my fallen fortunes. Mr.
Bentinck-Cavendish wearied but held up
his end.

‘Apparently, he wrote, you have
been Travelling and have not re-
ceived our Notices.

With that, he provided the way for
another year's correspondence, Waldo-
Goodman of Munster was Travelling,
and the bills just never caught up.
(Munster House was being converted to
a bicycle factory and they were very
sloppy about forwarding mail.) Friends
of mine, impressed by the correspond-
ence, entered the game. Mr. Bentinck-
Cavendish received а letter headed
Thirty-Eighth Parallel Hunt Club,
posted from Yongdongpo. Waldo-Good-
man of Munster had passed through for
the fall shooting; now this Notice had
arrived, but he was gone — should they
send it on? A diplomatic courier sent
Mr. Bentinck-Cavendish a postcard from
Moscow. He had seen Waldo-Goodman
of Munster outside St. Basil’s, "still, as
ever," he wrote, "in pursuit of truth."
Mr. Bentinck-Cavendish continued to
send his large, florid, ever-welcome bills,
cach with its seven royal seals and the
proud inscription "Tailors and Breeches
Makers, Savile Row," to Munster, with
the rcquest, in labored handwriting on
the envelope, that it be sent on.

As the reports filtered in I realized
suddenly that the game was up. Within
the space of a weck, Mr. Bentinck-
Cavendish received letters from Hong
Kong (Fleet Post Office), Arusha, Tan-
ganyika, and Snow Bank, Labrador.
Waldo-Goodman of Munster had passed
through each, just three days ahead of
the Notice which pursued him up and
down the globe. With considerable mis-
ing I wrote out a check for $5.67;
И is not every day that a man cuts
loose the servants who have been faith-
full so long.

‘The reply was swift and stunning.
There was something strange about the
very envelope that carried it, and I read
it nervously. The paper was thinner
and smaller; it said, much too simply,
“Rec'd £2.0.6". The lions and rampant
unicorns had fled; the strains of Dieu et
mon Droit died out. No one begged to
continue to serve. I could hear the
whispers along the stuffed-leather club-
rooms of St. James’ Square: “You've
heard? Waldo-Goodman of Munster.
Sacked. Drummed out of his father's
regiment.” Mr. Bentinck-Cavendish had
dealt with disrespect and insubordina-
tion. ‘Then I looked again at the enve-
lope, in sudden terror.

He had taken away my hyphen.

21

PLAYBOY

PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES

“Blessed are the pure," a wag-
gish friend of ours misquotes,
"for they shall inhibit the earth."

The passionate young thing was
having a very difficult time get-
ting across what she wanted from
her rather dense boy friend.
Finally, she asked, "Would you
like to see where I was operated
on for appendicitis?”

“Gosh, no!" he replied. "I
hate hospitals."

An elderly French playboy en-
tered the door of his favorite
sporting-house and asked the
Madam if he might have an audi-
ence with Renee.

Alas, Monsieur,” replied the
Madam, “Renee is vistting her
dear Mother in Provence. Would
you care to see Musette?”

The old gentleman smiled.
, thank you, chére Madame,
I will return another дау. When
do you expect Renee to be
back?”

“Saturday next,” said the Ma-
dam. “Your devotion is to be
But can you not find
n in the company of
Clothilde? Or Gaby? Or the
lively Yvette?”

To each suggestion, the old
man shook his head. Curious,
the Madam asked, “Вепее 15, of
course, charming, but what does
she possess that the other girls do
not?"

"Patience, chére Madame,” he
replied, "patience."

А muchtraveled playboy we
know says that in various stages
of her life, a woman resembles
the continents of the world:
From 13 to 18, for example, she's
like Africa—virgin territory, un-
explored. From I8 to 30, she's
like Asia—hot and exotic. From
80 to 45, she's like America—
fully explored and free with her
resources. From 45 to 55, she's
like Europe—exhausted, but not

without points of interest. After
55, concludes the playboy, she's
e Australia—everybody knows
it's down there, but nobody
cares much.

A playboy is a cagey

Buy
Who has a Jot of fun.
He samples every pretty wench
And never Mrs. one.

Everyone was surprised when
fastidious, virginal Percy lispingly
announced his intention to wed.
“What, you, Percy?" was the
amazed reaction. Some skeptics
made bets that he wouldn't go
through with it, but Percy fooled
them. He even went on a honey-
moon. Upon his return, one of

the losers bitingly asked, "Well,
is your wife pregnant?"
“I certainly hope so,” said

Percy with great sincerity. “I
wouldn't want to go through
that again!”

Two playboys were using adjoin-
ing booths in the men's room at
an exclusive nitery when one of
them noticed an appalling ab-
sence of tissue, "Hey, George,"
he called, "hand me some paper,
will you?"

A disturbed voice repli
“Gosh, there isn't any in here!

"Any newspaper lying around?"

"No, don't see апу...”

“Do you have an old envelope
in your pocket? A letter, maybe?
А handbill?”

"Sorry."

“Well, then—have you got two
fives for a ten?"

Our research department in-
forms us that the bathroom is no
longer the room where the most
household accidents occur. It's
the bedroom.

Have you heard any good ones
lately? Earn an easy five dollars
by sending the best to: Party
Jokes Editor, PrAvBov, 1] Е.
Superior St., Chicago 11, Illinois.
In case of duplicate submissions,
payment will go to first received.
No jokes сап be returned.

PLAYBOY

24

HOW TO PLAY COMPANY POLITICS

satire

IT GOES WITHOUT SAYING that you, as a
rising young man, will live a clean life,
rise early, work hard, and keep your
employer's interests at heart.

These are all Iaudable traits, but of
course they will get you nowhere with
out a thorough understanding of com-
pany politics.

Company politics should never be con-
fused with national politics or political
parties, though it is safe to a
if you expect to rise rapidly to the top
you will either be a Republican or seem
to be onc.

BE A POLITICIAN

Do not confuse this with being a poli-
tician in the ward politics sense. Busi-
nesses are governed, not by the majority,
but by the men at the top, in a manner
reminiscent of the medieval Italian city-
state. Read Machiavelli—and then learn
the following easy rules:

1. Pick the Right Team. In your com-

as in all healthy, live-wire groups,
there are bound to be areas of friction.
Enter them with a will.

‘There are always two or more factions
fighting for control, or for favor with
the Big Wheels. It is essential to main-
tain neutrality long enough to deter-

e which side is going to win.

MAINTAIN STRICT NEUTRALITY

No matter how well you do your work,
if you choose the wrong side you will
soon be in a sorry plight indeed.

2. Be a Pussyfooter. During this wait-
and-see period others may try to force
you to choose sides. Resist them!

For example, during a heated argu-
ment at a meeting you may be asked:

“Well, Finch, what do you think
about

The chips would seem to be ly
down, but a skillful pussyfooter need
not be dismayed.

"Oh, it's obvious, sir!" (Never
seem to pussyfoot "Mr. Bank's
statement is so clear—” (А smile

here to Blank, who may still be т
the running.) "—that 1 would say
by all means buy more wickets! Оп
the other hand, Mr. Threep's point
is certainly well taken!” (Threep is
far from being counted out, and you
know his mother-in-law holds a big
batch of stock.) "I'd say buy sump
pumps, too!”

In short, steer a bold path, right down
the middle. After the meeting it is well
to see both Blank and Threep, sepa-
rately.

“Hope I didn’t let you down, sir.

Hated to hurt poor old Thrcep's

(Blank's) feelings. Wouldn't want to

By SHEPHERD MEAD

kick a man who's going down!"

3. Make Your Move. After it is clear
that Threep, say, is going down, the
humane thing to do is to finish him off
as man as possible. Attack him freely,
and preferably in Blank's presence.

”Threep's point is well taken,

you say, with a condescending smile,
"if we assume his information is
correct. However, it looks to me as
though he has been badly mis-
guided." (You pity the poor old
devil, discredit his whole team, yet
maintain an attitude of great mag-
nanimity.) "In line with Mr. Blank's
figures, и would be disastrous to fol-
low T hreep's recommendations. Buy
wickets, buy more wickets, and drop
the whole sump pump linel"

If you administer the coup de grace
to Threep, Blank will soon make you
Ба ЕНЕ ока: man: You are: оп your
way up—well deserved reward for cour-
age and clear thinking.

From this t on, follow Blank
loyally. “There is nothing like loyalty,
as long as your man moves up fast
enough to leave plenty of room behind.

If he does not, never fear. You must
think first of the company's good, and
if Blank is not Doing His Job, you must
not let sentiment interfere, By this time

the subtler side of business success

you should be skillful at giving people
the business. Give it to Blank, in a nice
way, and afterwards do your best to find
him another job. He will thank you
for Care for your friends, and they
ill care for you.

4. Stab the Right Backs. Your man-
ner at all times should be friendly, kind,
and courteous. The good businessman
is everyone's Pal.

But from time to time some selfish
person will stand in your wa

Before dispatching him it is well to
ask yourself: Is he married to the boss's
daughter? Is he a fair-haired boy? Is he
related to a customer or client?

И he has attained his position be-
cause of ability, a few disparaging re-
marks in the right ears will do for him
quickly—but beware the man who has
deeper roots!

5. Guard Your Own Back. You can
assume that your assistants will serve
you loyally and selflessly, as long as
you keep your distance.

But the wise businessman always pro-
tects his rear. The surest way of doing
this is to be careful in choosing ist

nts. [t can be done in several different
ways. Let us examine them all
а. The Happy-Moron Theory. Your
safest course is to hire only imbeciles as

STAB THE RIGHT BACKS

assistants. They will worship you—as
assistants should!—and will never be able
to threaten your position, If you are a
good talker you should be able to con-
vince п ement that they are doing a
grand job, but only because they have
you for guidance.

b. The Divide-and-Conquer Theory.
This is no course for timid souls. Hire

FROM нош TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS WITHOUT REALLY TRYING,

the best men—but make them compete
for your favor. You will find it an easy
task to poison their little minds and turn
them against each other—but in a con-
structive way. Make sure you are always
the Great White Father to whom they
will run in peril.

с. The Ugly-Duckling Theory. One
chap with extremely modest ability and
a glib tongue rose rapidly to the top
by this method. He hired brilliant but
unpresentable assistants, men with fine
minds but repulsive personalities who
sat behind filing cabinets doing superb
work for which he took full credit.

Few would have had the courage to
take so daring a step!

But you may find a fourth and even
better way. At this moment experiments
are going on in offices throughout our
nation.

6. Upward and Onward. Clearly the
best way, however, to keep ahead of
your assistants is to blaze a bold straight
path-forward! As you move rapidly
ahcad with giant strides your assistants
will have enough to do filling the posts
you leave behind. You will be an in-
spiration to those under you. It is only
those ahead who necd beware!

7. Choose the Right Wife. Remember,
the American home is sacred, and it is a

shoddy fellow indeed who uses his wife
to further his own selfish ends.

However, if you live in a small city or
company town it is well to choose your
wife carefully, as she, too. will have to
play her part. Otherwise you may be
forccd to replace her, and this should
not be done frequently, and then only
between jobs.

Choose a wife who is adaptable and
flexible, who will fit in well with the
group. She should not, of course, have
any definite opinions, or any special
mentality, as these will soon rub others
the wrong way. It is important above
all not to offend.

A college education is of great value
to the company wife as long as she is
careful not to let it creep into her
conversation or influence her reading.
"The social graces, skill at cards, and
abilitv to dress well, all these real tan-
gible attributes of the college graduate,
will stand her in good stead.

Most important 15 to find a girl whom
the influential wives will admire. She
must be a good clean-cut American girl,
لود‎ to make many sacrifices to EIER
herself to the women around her.

She must be prepared to perform a
few simple services:

"Couldn't we pick up your little
dears їп the mei Alter all,
I'm used to getting up at six!”
Oi

I'm so glad you admire Hilda's
cooking. Ponty was wondering И
you wouldn't like to have her."
And remember, soon the shoe will be

on the other foot. As you rise in pres-

иде and authority she will have Aer

innings—if you're still willing to put up
with her.

8. Pick the Right Suburb. M your job
is in a very large metropolitan area, it
is most important to choose the right
suburb.

Remember, it is almost as easy to go
from New York to Chicago as it is to go

(continued on page 51)

corrant. 1952. BY SHEPHERD MEAD, PUBLISHED BY SIMON а SCHUSTER.

25

>
©
m
=
四
a
名

“ГИ bet you didn't trap him with a warm fire
and a couple of glasses of wine!”

CONSIDER ТНЕ CRAB

BY THOMAS MARIO
playboy’s food & drink editor

March is the month of the tasty crustacean

AMONG THE THINGS THAT get laid in
March are the eggs of many North
Amcrican birds.

Not only are the birds exhilarated by
the first day of spring, but bees start
buzzing, crocuses begin to pop, frogs be-
gin to croak and young men's fancies
lightly turn to thoughts of love.

March is named after the Roman god
of war, Mars. It was the most propitious
month, the Romans felt, to begin cam-
paigns not only into the battlefields but
into the boudoirs as well. The Romans
adopted March, not January. as the first
month of the year, and as latc as the
Eighteenth Century many co
served March Ist as New Year's Day.

March 2nd celebrates the birthday of
one of PrAvsOY's classical favorites,
Francois Rabelais, whose fame does not
exclusively depend on the fact that blue-
noses have been trying for five hundred
years to censor and suppress his writings.
5. a brilliant sensualist, was a
эш respecter of the human appetite.
n who said, “Мо clock is
more regular than the bell

That March comes in like a lion,
PLAYBOY does not question. But that it
goes out like a lamb is open to the
gravest doubts, Walk into any frat hous
after the first day of spring and see how

lamb-like the denizens are. Most norm
young men will be seen sliding down
bannisters. breaking into liquor closets,
dusting oll spring suits, while telephones
buzz constantly and arrangements are
made with the opposite gender for the
warm afternoons and evenings ahead.

Leave the frat house and go out to
the campus to observe the kind of girl
you meet in March. She may look lamb-
like in the velvety spring air, but let
her eyes meet yours and they are at once
on what the French call the most inti-
mate terms imaginable. Students of
physiology and chemistry as well as
students of language all confirm the an-
cient Latin proverb that, “In spring heat
returns to the bones.

The amount of thermal activity which
enters our bones during March often
has a curious effect on our pla

ating and drinking. ‘There are ma
young warriors who, of course, never
lose a great deal of incandescence during
the winter months and in whom the
added spring heat has the effect of fan-
ning normal fire into wildfire. Plain de-
sire becomes a fever, sometimes called
spring fever, and normal appetites grow
into gluttony.

A prominent symptom of this kind of
spring Че the desire for change

including a change in diet. Jt is ap-
parent in the fellow who not only wants
to make love but must make it in half-
adozen different ways. If his Cadi
needs а painting, he eschews the ord
nary blues and reds, and. paints it the
color of wild flaming orchids.

When he takes his wench out to eat,
he insists on travelling to the most
different, the most unique cating place
in the state. Not for this lathered. up.
stripling are ordinary shrimp or roast
No, indeed. He is deter-
vel two hundred miles if
necessary to find that eatery noted for
its Polynesian sheep's brains with jel-
lied liver sauce. "We must have some-
thing really different,” he says as with
sweating brow he jerks the menu out of
the waiter's hands and begins to pore
over the long list of piéces de résistance.

He shakes his head dubiously at dish
after dish until he finally comes to an
item that awakens his interest 一 Piroshki
Stroinska. "What's that?" he asks, his
face wreathed in a frozen March smile.
When the waiter explains that it's merely
a Pété a Foncce in the shape of a turn-
over filled with cepes, truffles, duckling,
basil and chervil, the young blade says,
"Oh, the same old stuff! І thought it

(continued on page 30)

27

PLAYBOY'S PLAYMATE OF THE MONTH

MISS APRIL

PLAYBOY

30

CRAB continued from page 27

was something different. Give us some
breast of guinea hen sous cloche and
get it over with.”

This type of whooped up wastrel
rushes through his guinea hen, his salad
and his savory. The fact that the lassie
opposite him prefers to linger over
sauces and dream into her Benedictine
docs not retard him one bit. He gulps
down his Drambuie as though it were a

atent medicine and then drags his girl
[e the table and drives back home at
ninety an hour.

The next night he does not even
bother to take her to dinner but rushes
the girl directly to his apartment. There,
the bewildered darling discovers that his
springtime restlessness extends even into
the realm of amorous dalliance. Almost
before she knows what's happened, he's
donned his clothes and is announcing,
“We'll now have something to eat. I
know a restaurant where they make the
damndest Iranian Kufta you've сусг
tasted.”

The girl, at this juncture, can only
utter that singularly distinctive expres-
sion whose clarity has never been sullied:

"You can go to hell.”

Dumbfounded, he sputters,
where will yov go?"

“I'm going to Kelly's seafood restau-
rant at the cornel

Her sudden assertiveness chagrins the
super-charged Romco and he follows the
girl to Kelly's. Before he has a chance
to argue with the waiter, the girl says,
“I'm going to have a plain crabmeat sal-
ad with mayonnaise.”

105 the kind of simple direct choice
that no man can argue with. He orders
the same thing. ‘There isn't much delay
because crabmeat salad can be assembled
їп а minute or two. Only when he tastes
the icy cold jumbo lumps of light crab-
meat, as tangy and refreshing as the
coolest March breeze, does sanity return.
He experiences the fccling of enjoying
life and not merely chasing it. ‘There's
something about the texture of crabmeat
that is indescribably perfect. It is a food
worthy of the first day of spring. It is
neither as firm as meat or poultry nor as
soft as fish. It has a subtlety of flavor
which almost forces you to eat it slowly
in order to appreciate its delicate deep
sca tang. It has a kind of luxurious after
taste that compels you to scrape the
salad bowl or casserole for fear of losing
a single flake of its goodness.

If Keily's waiter knows his crab lore,
he can hold the playmates spellbound as
he regales them with storics about the
life of the short tailed crustacean.

For instance, there are the great king
crabs of the northwest. It is during this
month that millions of female crabs
start to leave their bed and board at the
bottom of the North Pacific to slowly
scramble toward the warm shore water
for you know what.

A few wecks later the male crabs fol-
low the female. At first they scout
around hunting for a suitable mate. The
giant six foot, six legged bachelors go
through a rhythmic dance to catch the
eyes of their chosen ones. If male and

“And

female crabs feei that they are compa
ible, they hold hands. Then the con-
quering male carries his intended bride
about for three to seven days for all the
other сер sca playboys to ad

‘This ceremony makes it jcgal Thanks
to this great yearly formality now taking
pice we сап enjoy at our tables the

cavenly flavor of Alaskan crab meat
all year Jong.

Exservicemen who spent some time
around Australia’s Great Barricr Reef
will never forget the first time they saw
armies of Aussie crabs lining up in mass
formation, one row after the other, like
companics on a parade ground. The
whole group moves in unison, wheels to
the right or left. Now and then you'll
sce a single squad in line formation
marching in perfect discipline.

Ifa human invasion moves near, these
West Pointers of the sand break into
fast retreat, climbing pell mell over one
another's backs. A dress parade review
is all right, they figure, but if there is
danger of their being converted into
baked deviled crabs, they forget their
military etiquette and disappear by bury-
ing themselves in the sand until peace
reigns over all.

Other crabs are known for their high
І. Q. Take the crabs of the Canton
Island in the Pacific for example. These
clever crustaceans shortly after birth
crawl into sea shells which fit the un-

rotected rear part of their bodies per-
ecdy. The fore part of the crab is
hard and needs no protection. As long
as they live, they crawl around with the
small shell fixed like a trailer to th

sterior. As the crabs grow older and
igger they find Larger shells to serve
as armor plate.

Fight fans love the pugilist crabs of
the British Samoan islands. These hardy
boys spar, jump, feint and then cut
loose with rights and lefts that literally
knock out their opponents. For boxing
gloves, Samoan айс е лог ancmo-
nes, onc held in each of their claws. The
sea ancmones in this part of thc world
аге cquipped with sting cells which arc
discharged upon contact with an enemy,
1f you approach one of these crabs, he'll
try to ward you off at first, but if you
insist on coming closer he'll let go with
a round-house blow that will send you
flying in three directions at once. This
may be hard for you but it's very easy
for a crab who can walk forward, back-
ward or sideways with equal ease.

The shell which a crab wears is a hard
substance that cannot stretch. As the
crab grows, its body tissue becomes too
large for the shell to contain it. The
crab then throws off its old shell and
grows a new one. In thc interim
period, before the crab acquires a new
suit of armor, the crab is known as a
soft shell crab 一 one of summertime's
greatest seafood delicacies.

Catching, boiling and cleaning a crab
is a complex and bothersome business.
For this reason almost every fish or са-
food store sells crabmeat freshly boiled,
ready for the table. Fresh crabmeat is
put up in cans which are not hermeti-

cally sealed. The meat thus processed
has no tinny flavor and is a wonderful
food for bachelor boys or girls who love
light but sophisticated fare.

‘The most popular crabmeat is taken
from Atlantic coast blue crabs. The best
quality is called jumbo lump. Smaller
pieces are sold under the name of crab
flakes.

From the Pacific northwest coast comes
the famous king crabmeat put up т
frozen packages or in cans. ‘The indi-

dual pieces of meat are larger than
the Atlantic coast crabmeat but the
flavor is not as sweet or delicate as the
eastern variety. Japan also packs crab-
in cans. The picces of meat are
large but they must be broken in order
to remove the small thin cartilage inside
the meat.

When buying freshly boiled crabmeat
be sure it does not have an off-odor or
fishy odor or docs not feel sticky. The
best quality is free of small pieces of
bone, shell or cartilage. When you buy
fresh crabmeat ask the clerk to open the
can and dump the meat to inspect it.
It's an old کی‎ custom to some-
time pack big lumps on the top and
smaller flakes on the bottom.

Crabmeat is a perishable food and
should be kept under refrigeration at all
times. It should not be held more than
a day or two in your refrigerator. At
seafood stores fresh crabmeat is kept
ked in cracked ice until sold.

For the beginning of the vernal sea-
son, PLAYBoY recommends the following
easy-to-prepare crabmeat dishes. Before
serving any crabmeat dish be sure your
refrigerator carries a cargo of dry beer
or ale.

CRABMEAT COCKTAIL

In a small mixing bowl combine و‎
cup catsup, 2 tablespoons horseradish,
Ye teaspoon worcestershire sauce, 2
dashes tabasco sauce, juice of a quarter
lemon and 1% teaspoon celery salt. Mix
well. Chill thoroughly.
amine 1 pint freshly cooked crab-
meat to remove any pieces of shell or
cartilage. Line 4 champagne glasses or
4 fruit cocktail glasses with lettuce leaves.
Divide the crabmeat among the 4
glasses. Pour the cocktail sauce on top.
(Serves 4)

CRABMEAT SALAD

Cut into / inch squares enough celery
10 make 1 cup. Put the celery into a large
mixing bowl with I quart of freshly
cooked crabmeat. Add 1 tablespoon
vinegar and 1 tablespoon lemon juice.
Add $4 cup mayonnaise, М cup chili
sauce, 1 teaspoon salt, 14 teaspoon pep-
per, М teaspoon celery salt and 1 table-
Spoon grated onion. Toss all ingredients
lightly using a salad spoon.

Line 4 dinner plates with lettuce
leaves or leaves of romaine. Spoon the
salad into the center of the plates. Cut
two hard boiled eggs into quarters. Place
two quarters of egg on cach salad plate.
Place two wedges of fresh tomato on
each salad plate, alternating hard cgg
and tomato. Garnish each plate with
extra large ripe olives.

To make avocado and crabmeat salad
use 1 pint of diced avocado and 1 pint

(continued on page 43)

“I struggled for years to get а coat like this.
Then I stopped struggling and got one."

31

PLAYBOY

32

1 MADE MME JADELLE'S ACQUAINTANCE in
Paris this winter. She pleased me infi-
nitely at once. You know her as well as
I-no-pardon me—nearly as well as I.
You know that she is poctic and fan-
tastic at one and the same time. You
know she is free in her manner and of
impressionable heart, impulsive, courage-
ous, venturesome, audacious—above all,
prejudiced and yet, in spite of that, senti-
mental, delicate, easily hurt, tender and
modest.

She was a widow, and I adore widows,
from sheer laziness. I was on the look-
out for a wife, and ! paid her my court.
I know her, and more than that, she
pleased me. The moment came when I
believed it would do to risk my proposal.
1 was in love with her and in danger
of becoming too much so. When one
marries he should not love his wife too
much, or he is likely to make himself
foolish; vision is distorted, and he
becomes silly and brutal at the same
time, A man must assert himself. If he
loses his head at first he risks being a
nobody a year later.

So one day 1 presented myself at her
house, offered her a small gift of costly
verbena perfume, and said to her:
"Madame, I have the honor of loving
you, and I have come to ask you if there
is any hope of my pleasing you enough
to warrant your placing your һарр ess
in my care and taking my name?"

She answered quietly: “What a ques-
tion, sir! I am absolutely ignorant of
whether you will please me sooner or
later or whether you will not, but I ask
nothing better than to make a trial of
it. As a man, I do not find you bad. It
remains to be seen how you are at heart
and in character and habits. For the
most part marriages are tempestuous or
criminal because people are not carcful
enough in yoking themselves together.
Sometimes a mere nothing is sufhcient,
a mania or tenacious opinion upon some
moral or religious point, no matter what,
a gesture which displeases or some lite
fault or disagreeable quality, to turn an
affianced couple, however tender and
affectionate, into a pair of irreconcilable
enemies, incensed with, but chained to,
each other until death. I will not marry,
sir, without knowing the depths and cor
ners and recesses of the nu of the man
with whom I am to share my existence.
I wish to study him at leisure, at least
for some months.

Here is what I propose. You will
come and pass the summer in my house
at De Lauville, my country place, and
we shall see then if we are fitted to live
side by side—I see you laugh! You have

а bad thought. Oh, sir, if I were not sure
of myself 1 would never make this propo-
sition. I have for love (what you call
love, you men) such a scorn, such a dis-
рчы, that a fall is impossible for те.
Well, do you accept?”

I kissed her hand.

"When shall we start, madame?"

‘The tenth of Мау.

“It is agreed.’

A month later I was installed at her
house. She was truly a singular woman.
From meine until evening she was
studying me. As she was fond of horses,
we pased cach day in riding through
the wood, talking about everything. but
she was always trying to probe my inner-
most thoughts, to SU cnd she ob-
served my slightest movement.

As for me, 1 became foolishly in love
and did not trouble myself about the
fitness of our characters. But ] soon per-
ceived that even my sleep was put under
inspection. Someone slept ina little room
adjoining mine, entering very late and
with infinite precaution. This espionage
for every instant finally made me impa-
tient. 1 wished to hasten the conclusion
and one evening thought of a way of
bringing it about. She had received me
in such a way that I had abstained from
any new essay, but a violent desire in-
vaded me to make her pay in some
fashion for this restricted regime to
which J had submitted, and I thought
I knew a way.

You know Cesarine, her chambermaid,
a pretty girl from Granville, where all
the women are pretty, and as blond as
her mistress was brunette? Well, one
afternoon I drew the little soubrette into
my room and, putting a hundred francs
in her hand, 1 said to her:

My dear child, 1 do not wish you to
do anything villainous, but I desire the

Che little maid laughed with a sly
look as I continued:

“I am watched day and night, I know.
1 am watched as I eat, drink, dress my-
self, shave and put on my socks, and I
know і

The little girl stammered: “Yes sir.
‘Then she was silent. I continued:

“You sleep in the room next to mine
to see if I snore or if 1 dream aloud; you
cannot deny i

“Yes ыт.” Then she was

I became excited. “Well, is
it fair for everything to be known about
me, while I know nothing of the person
who is to be my wife? I love her with
all my soul. She has the face, the heart,
the mind that I have dreamed of, and

fiction

I am the happiest of men on this ac-
count; nevertheless, there are some things
I would like to know better.

Cesarine decided to put my bank note
in her pocket. I understood that the bar-
gain was concluded. |
Listen, my girl" I said. "We men
一 we care much for certain—certain de-
tails— physical details, which do not hin-
der a woman from being charming but
which can change her price in our eyes.
I do not ask you to say anything bad of
your mistress or even to disclose to me
her defects, if she has апу. Only answer
me frankly four or five questions, which
І am going to put to you. You know
Madame Jadelle as well as you do your-
self, since you dress and undres
every day. Now then, tell me tl
she as plump as she has the appearance
of being?"

The little maid did not answer.

І continued: "You cannot, my child,
be ignorant of the fact that women put
cotton padding, you know, where—where
一 where they nourish their infants and
also where they sit. Tell me, does she
use padding?"

Cesarine lowered her eyes. Finally she

r, I will answer all at one
"Well, my girl, there are some women
whose knees meet, so much so that they
touch with each step that they take, and
there are others who them far
apart, which makes their limbs like thc
arches of a bridge, so that one might
view the landscape between them, This
is the prettier of the two fashions, Tell
me, how are your mistress's limbs?”
the maid said nothing.

I continued: “There are some who
have necks so beautiful that they form
a great fold underneath. And there are
some that have large arms with a thin
figure. There are some that are very
large before and nothing at all behind,
and there are some large behind and
nothing at all in front. АП this is very
pretty, very pretty, but I wish to know
just how your mistress is made. Tell me
frankly, and I will give you much more
money."

Cesarine looked at me out of the cor-
ner of her eye and, laughing with all
her heart, answered: "Sir, aside from
being dark, Mistress is made exactly
like me."

Then she fled.

1 had been made sport of. "This was
the time I found myself ridiculous, and
I resolved to avenge myself at least upon
this impertinent maid.

An hour later I entered the little room
(continued on page 52)

"My mistress is made exactly like me, sir," said the chambermaid.

Ribald CLASSICS

A BAD ERROR

one of the most sophisticated tales of the French storyteller, Guy de Maupassant

33

a bloodshot-eye view of the liquor pixie

=
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Y

ue
z
9
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ч
о.
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о
о
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сё
a

"These little men live in every bottle of al-
cohol. You don't usually see them, but
they're the fellows who knock over drinks
and leave burning cigarettes on table tops
when you've had опе too many. Under the
influence of an uncalculated number of very
dry martinis, Virgil Partch managed to spot
several of them scampering about his favor-
ite bar, and being a quick man with the
pen, he has given the soberer among us our
very first look.

PLAYBOY

36

guardian angels are all very well,

but only when they work full-time

тие RUMOR, flying to and fro over the London grapevine, that Stanley Featherstone-
haugh Ukridge, that chronically impecunious man of wrath, was going about the
metropolis with money on his person found me, when 1 heard it on my return from
a holiday in the country, frankly incredulous. I scoffed at the wild story, even though
somebody I met claimed to have met someone else who had actually seen him with
the stuff, It was only when I ran into our mutual friend George Tupper in Piccadilly
that I began to feel that there might be something in it.

“Ukridge?” said George Tupper. "Yes, I believe he must have managed to get a
little moncy somehow. I'll tell you why I think so. He called on me this morning
when I was in my bath, and when I came out, he had gone. He left, in other words,
without trying to extract so much as half-a-crown from me, a thing which has never
happened before in the memory of man. But I can't stop now,” said George, who, I
noticed, was looking distrait and worried. "I'm on my way to the police station. I've
had a burglary at my place.”

"You don't say?"

“Yes. My man rang me up at the club just now. Apparently a suit, a hat, а couple
of shirts, some socks, a maroon tie, and a pair of shoes have disappeared."

"Mysterious."

“Most. Well, goodbye.”

“Goodbye,” 1 said, and went off to sce Ukridge.

1 found him in his bed-sitting room, his fect on the mantelpiece, his pince-nez
askew as always, his right hand grasping a refreshing mug of beer.

“Ah, Corky,” he said, waving а welcoming foot. “Home from your holiday, ch?
Brought the roses back to your checks, 1 perceive. 1, too, am feeling pretty bobbish.
І have just had a great spiritual experience, old horsc, which has left me in
exalted mood

"Never mind your spiritual experiences and your exalted moods. Was it you who
pinched George Tuppcer's hat, suit, socks, shirts, shoes and maroon cra

I make no claim to any particular perspicacity in asking the question. Jt was pure
routine. Whenever suits, shirts, socks, ties and what not are found to be missing,
the Big Four at Scotland Yard always begin their investigations by spreading 2
dragnet for 5. F. Ukridge

He looked pained, as if my choice of verbs һай wounded him.

“Pinched, laddie? I don't like that word ‘pinched’. I borrowed the objects you
mention, yes, for I knew a truc friend like old Tuppy would not grudge them to me
in my hour of need. І had to have them in order to dazzle this fellow I'm lunching
with tomorrow and ensure my sccuring a job carrying wi a princely salary. He's

аши, this bloke,"—he was alluding to Miss Julia Ukridge, the wealthy
id my aunt, learning that he wanted somebody to tutor his son, suggested
me. Now that Tuppy has given of his plenty, the thing's in the bag. The tic alone
should be enough to put me over.”

“Well, I'm glad you're going to get a job at last, but how the devil can you tutor
sons? You don't know cnough.”

"I know enough to be able to cope with a piefaced kid of twelve. He'll probably
reverence me as one of the world's great minds. Besides, my task, my aunt informs
me, will be more to look after the stripling, take him to the British Muscum, the
Old Vic and so forth, which I can do on my head. Did (continued on page 51)

A TITHE

fiction

FO R C H AR | тү Ву Р. С. WODEHOUSE

PLAYBOY

NAKED ADVERTISING

д,

Nearly fifty years ago, this nude in black stockings helped advertise a celery tonic that was “harmless, pleasant, magical.”

selling soap suds, shirts or simoniz,

it helps to have a nude in your ad

ADVERTISING 15 A SINGULARLY competitive field and the
men who promote the products the public buys are
blessed with unusually figh salaries and blood pres-
sures. An ad exec's ulcer can have an ulcer of its own
while he's sweating out a successful way to sell a client's
toothpaste or beer. A model using, wearing or sitting
in the product usually helps and an unusual gimmick
sometimes helps too. A shirt company's business
boomed when their ads started featuring a man with
a patch over one ee and an English commander with
a beard helped make a big thing out of quinine water
last year. The best gimmick, however, is to make the
model female and take off her clothes.

An overexposed female epidermis can move an auto-
mobile out of a showroom or a bar of soap off a gro-
cer's shelf. Interestingly enough, a naked female ap-
peals to both sexes. À nude can interest a man in a

SCANDALE

by Tru Balance

In 1954, this nude in black stockings helped advertise Scandale girdles to passengers of the N.Y. subway.

PLAYBOY

shirt or a car wax and a woman in
jewelry, perfume ог а deodorant.

Davis and Geck got plenty of bare
breasts and behinds into their pictorial
history of surgery to help sell surgical
sutures and The Univis Lens Company
tossed a naked lady to a lion in its pro-
motion series on the history of eye
glasses

Advertising nudes aren't new. A beau-
tiful, full color Gibson girl in a pair
of stockings and nothing clse helped sell
Celery Tonic at the turn of the century
that, according to the ad, was "harmless,
, magical . . . the enemy of
friend of the stomach";
Simoniz ran a series of
magazine advertisements on the theme,
“Don't let your car go nudist,” featur
ing a car, a can of Simoniz and, of
course, a nudist.

Actually, advertisers have only begun
exploiting the possibilities in naked ad-
using. lf we were the account execu
- in charge of some of the big ad
budgets for the coming year, we think
we could work out some rather unique
campaigns with a few nudes and such
familiar slogans as he Skin You Love
To Touch," “99 and 44/100ths % Pure,”
“Have You Had It Lately?” and “The

(continued on page 42)

Curiously, women react to the undroped female torso about as well
as men — and these advertisements in national magazines helped
sell с $2.75 bath cologne and jewelry worth thousands. The girls
like naughty ad copy too — particularly with their toiletries. Revil-
lon once advertised a scent called "Tornade" with a wicked nude
and billed it “A Divorcee’s Parfum” for those “just back from Reno.”

Above, this charming collection of semi-
nudes represents a Grecian medicol meet-
ing in Lejaren ‘a Hiller's famous series on
surgery. Photographer Hiller managed to
introduce nudes into almost every phase
of medical history ta help sell the surgi-
cal supplies of Davis and Сеск, Inc. At
right, one of the Simoniz series on not
treating your car like а nudist and below,
“Tabu” has no taboos about nudity in ad
suggesting their perfume ofier showering.

The Roman carnival pictured at left helped
publicize glasses. A myopic monarch is holding
an early lens to his eye to get a better view
of the naked lady being devoured by lions.

Weather-prool the beauty of
your car with Simonis! If itis left
naked, the weather, dirt, and
ultra-violet rays soon dull,
bleach, and eventually destroy
the finish. Stop thisdamage now!
Simoniz Kleener will quickly
and easily restore the lustre.
Then apply Simoniz. It, alone,
contains the certain secret in-
gredient, which preserves the
finish and its beauty for years!
So, always insist on Simoniz and
the wonderful Simoniz Kleener
for your саг. There's nothing
like them!

SIMONIZ

NEENER A KLEEN

SUITITITÉETETERTDL ساد‎

41

Pause That Refreshes.”

Only the bluest noses turn up at the
idea of an attractive young lady undress-
ing to help sell a few extra packages of
corn flakes, but occasionally naked ad-
vertising does get a little out of hand.
A while back, а Washington undertaker
distributed a handsome, [ull color calen-
dar nude with the slogan, “We Make
The Body Beautiful.”

PLAYBOY

The Carson-Roberts Advertising Agency planned a sophisticated advertising campaign for a California shirt manu-

facturer named Hartog, to appear in the trade publication "Men's Wear.” It was built around bared bosoms and
. clever tag lines like "My Hartog Belongs To Daddy,” with nary a shirt in sight. Hartog's sales skyrocketed and
the Hartog girls proved so popular, they're now available as a calendar. Jack Roberts and Hal Adams,
the gentlemen who conceived the Hartog series, are now busy preparing some future Playmates for PLAYBOY.

СВАВ

of freshly cooked crabmi
1 quart of crabmeat. For those who like
straight mayonnaise, omit chili sauce
and add 2 tablespoons sweet cream be-
fore tossing salad. Chopped chives, if
available, may be used in place of
grated onion. (Serves 4)

(continued from page 30)
instead of

CRABMEAT CAKES.

Pick over carefully one thirteen-ounce
can of crabmeat or 34 pound of freshly
boiled crabmeat, removing апу bones,
cartilage or pieces of shell Separate
yolks and whites of 3 eggs. Beat yolks
well with a rotary egg beater or wire
whip. Gradually add 3 tablespoons flour
to yolks, beating well. Add 1 tablespoon
grated onion, № teaspoon salt, V4 tea
spoon pepper and و‎ teaspoon dry mus-
tard, Add crabmeat, mixing well.

Beat the 3 egg whites until stiff and
fold into mixture. with a U-shaped mo-
tion, bringing the mixing spoon down,
over and up in order to keep egg whites
light.

Melt vegetable shortening in a heavy
frying pan to a depth of 14 inch. Drop
crabmeat mixture by tablespoons into
hot fat. Keep portions uniform. Brown
lightly on both sides. Drain on absor-
bent paper. If cakes become cool, they
may be placed in a preheated oven for
2 or 3 minutes just before serving. Serve
with hot tomato sauce, using 1 eight-
ounce can or serve with cold tartar

sauce. (Serves 4-5)

BAKED DEVILED CRABS

Ask the fish dealer. when vou buy
the crabmeat, for 4 crab shells. И he
does not have them, you may use 4 very
large clam shells or 4 small casseroles.

Chop 1 medium size onion very fine.
Place the onion in a saucepan with 2
tablespoons butter or vegetable fat.
Heat, stirring frequently, until onion
turns yellow. Add 2 tablespoons flour
mixing well. Remove pan from Па
Gradually add 15 cup of hot milk, stir-
ring well. Return to a small flame.
Cook, stirring frequently for 4 minutes.
Add 2 cups of cooked fresh crabmeat or
canned crabmeat. Add 1 tablespoon
chopped parsley, $4 teaspoon salt, М
teaspoon pepper, Í teaspoon prepared
mustard and № teaspoon dry mustard.
Mix well

Add 2 unbeaten egg yolks. Continue
to cook, stirring constantly until mix-
ture is very thick. Remove pan from
the fir Chill the mixture in the re-
frigerato runtil it is quite cold.

Place the crabmeat mixture into the
4 crab shells or large clam shells. Sprin-
kle with fine bread crumbs. Sprinkle
lightly with papr Sprinkle lightly
with salad ой. Bake in a hot over, 450
degrees, 15-20 minutes or until crumbs
are brown. (Serves 4)

CHARITY (continued from page 36)

Tuppy seem at all steamed up about
his bereavement?’
“A little, T thought.”
“Too bad. But let me tell you about

in guard
] said | was not sure.
“Then you had better ruddy well be
id Ukridge severely, "because
they exist in droves. Mine is a pippin.
He was on the job this afternoon in no
uncertain manner, steering me with a
loving hand from the soup into which 1
was on the very verge of plunging. Mis-
led by my advisers, 1 had supposed the
animal couldn't to сор

"What animal?"

"Dogsbody at Kempton Park.

"It lost I saw it in the evening

paper."

actly. That's the point of my
story. Let me get the ts in the
proper order. Knowing that it was im
Perative that Г be spruce and natty
when bursting on this tutor-for-his-sou
bloke, Г hastened to Tuppv's and laid
in the necessary supplies. І then went
to Wimbledon to sec my aunt, she hav-
ing told me to be on the mat at noon.
as she wished to confer with me. And
you'll scarcely believe this, old horse,
but the first thing she did was to hand
me fifteen quid to buy shirts, ties and
the rest of it, she having reached the
same conclusion as I had about the im-
се of the outer crust. So there
in pocket to the colossal extent
of fifteen of the best. And I was just

leaving, when Barter sidled up."

“Barter?”

“My aunt's butler. He sidled up and
asked me out of the side of his mouth
if I wanted to clean up big. Well, I
had already cleaned up big, but every
little bit added to what you've got
makes just a little bit more, so 1 bade
the honest fellow speak on, and he said
"Put your shirt оп Dogsbody at Kemp-
ton this afternoon and fear nothing’.

“It moved me strangely, Corky. Al-
ready someone else — a man I met in a
pub — had advised this investment, and
Barter, 1 was aware, knew а bit. He
follows form assiduously. Such а tip,
coming from such a source, scemed to
me sent from heaven and I decided to
go a buster and wager my entire assets.
My only fear, as I took the next train
back to town, was that Г might arrive
at the offices of my selected bookie
too late to put the money on. For the
negotiations could not, of course, be
conducted over the telephone. 1 am
revealing no secret, Corky, when I say
that my credit is not good, and I knew
that Jim Simms, the Safe Man, on
whom I proposed to bestow my custom,
would want cash down in advance.

“Yhe time was about twenty to one
when I alighted from the train, and as
it was the one o'clock race in which
Dogsbody was competing, I had to look
slippy. But all seemed well. I reached
my destination with five minutes to
spare, and I was just about to charge
in, clutching the fifteen in my hot

hand, when the door opened and ош
сате — of all people — а fellow wo
whom for the past few ycars I have
owed two pounds, three shillings and
sixpence for goods supplied. He recog-
nized me immediately, and 1 don't
think I have ever heard anyone bay
more like а bloodhound on the trail of
aniseed.

“ 'Hey" he cried. ‘I've been looking
for you for years. I would like to take
up that matter of my little account,
Mr. Ukridge."

“Well, there was only one thing to
do."

Pay him?"

“Of course not. Pay him, indeed! А
business man can't fritter away his capi-
tal like that, Corky. Strategic retreat
seemed to be indicated, and the next
moment | was gone with the wind,
with him after me. And to cut a long
story short, when I eventually shook
off his challenge, the clocks were point-
ing to fifteen minutes past one.”

So you weren't able to back Dogs-
body?

No. And that is what I imeant when
I paid that marked tribute to my guard-
ian angel, who obviously arranged thc
whole thing. 1 was as sick as mud, of
course, at the time, but later, when I
saw the evening paper, I realized that
this quick-thinking angel had had the
situation well in hand. 1 was extreme-
ly grateful to him, and do you know
what I'm going to do, Corky? I'm going
to give a tithe of that fifteen quid to
charity.”

What!”

“As a sort of thank-offering. I shall
go forth into the highways and byways
and seck out three deserving cases and
slip them each a shilling.”

“Three bob isn’t a tithe of fifteen
quid.”

“It's as near а tithe as makes no
matter.”

"A üthe is a tenth. You ought to
give them ten shillings cach."

“Talk sense, old horse,” said Ukridge.

I was late getting home that night
for one reason and another, and was
shocked when I woke next morning to
find wl the tine was. 1 should have
to move swiftly, I saw. I was supposed
to be at the Senior Conservative Club
at twelve to interview Horace Wanklyn,
the eminent novelist, for the Sunday
paper which gave me occasional jobs of
that sort, and I knew that eminent no-
velists purse their lips and tap the
floor disapprovingly if the dregs of
society like myself keep them waitin:

I had just finished a hurried breal
fast and was looking about for the um-
brella which I kept for occasions like
this 一 nothing makes a better impres-
sion than a tightly rolled umbrella —
when Bowles, my cxbutler landlord,
accosted me in his majestic way.

“Good morning, str. Mr. Ukridge
called shortly after you had left last
night.”

He spoke with the tender note in his

PLAYBOY

voice which invariably came into it
when he mentioned Ukridge’s name.
For some reason which [ had never been
able to understand, he had always had
a doglike devotion for that foe of the
human species.

“Oh, yes?”

“Your umbrella, sir. Mr. Ukridge
informed me that he wished to borrow
it. He desired me to give you his cor
dial good wishes and to tell you that
he expected it — I quote his words —
just to turn the scale.”

It was with a hard, set face that 1
rang Ukridge's front door bell some
twenty minutes later. Making the de-
tour to his lair would render me late
for Horace Wanklyn, but that could
not be helped.

Informed that he was out at the mo-
ment, I was turning away, when I saw
him coming along the street. He was
wearing the Tupper hat, tilted at a
jaunty angle, the Tupper suit, socks,
shoes and shirt, and was swinging my
umbrella like a clouded cane. 1 had
rarely seen anything so dressy.

He listened to my reproaches sym-
pathetically.

“I know just how you feel, Corky.
The good man loves his umbrella. But
I will take the greatest care of it,
and you shall have it back а thousand-
fold some time this afternoon. What
do you want the damn thing for, any-
way? It's not raining.”

1 explained that I needed it to off-
set the bagginess of my trousers and the
general seediness of my appearance.

“I'm interviewing a big pot at the
Senior Conservative Си!

“You are? Why, that's where I'm
lunching with my bloke. Who are you
interviewing?”

“Horace Wanklyn, the novelist.”

seemed stunned.
‘Well, upon my Sam, old horse, this
is the most amazing coincidence 1 ever
came across т my puff. Its nonc
other than old Pop Wanklyn who is the
bird who wants a tutor for his son.
My aunt got matey with him at the last
Pen and Ink Club dinner. Gosh, the
thing is beginning to develop. We must
suck profit from this. Heres what you
want to do, laddie. Having extracted
his views on whatever subject you are
g to discuss
he Modern Girl."

"Having heard all he has to spill
about the Modern Girl, you say ‘Oh,
by the way Mr. Wanklyn— . . .You
don't think you'll be calling him Hor-
асе by that timc?"

"No, I don't."

“Mr, Wanklyn, then. ‘Oh, by the wav,
үп, you say, ‘My old friend
Ukridge tells me he is lunching with
you today and that you are considering
engaging him to ram a bit of education
into your ruddy son’s ivory skull. You
could place the little blister in no

better hands. I have known Stanley

Ukridge these many years, and 1 can
confidently say —' And then a lot
of guff which I know I can leave to
you. Pitch it strong, Corky. Let the
golden words come pouring out likc
honey. Really, this is a= uncanny bit of
luck. I had an idea all along that 1
should reap some reward for that kind-
ly impulse of mine.

"What kindly . . . Oh, you mean the
tithe to charity?"

"Thats right.”

“When do you start scattering lar-
gesse?”

“I have already started. In fact, I've
practically finished. Only one deserv-
ing case {ө go по

"You've done the other two?”

“Yes. And 1 don't mind telling you,
Corky, has left me weak, Г hope
mine host will not spare the restora-
tives at lunch, for 1 need picking up.
It was the second descrving case that
shattered my aplomb. The first was а
cinch. I saw a shabby man standing by
a car, evidently trying to touch the girl
at the wheel. I just walked up, said
"Here, my good man, and slipped a
bob into his hand, turning away quick-
ly to escape his thanks. But the next
one Pal i
idge shivered. He removed George

^s hat and mopped his forehead
assumed to be one of
George Tuppers handkerchiefs.

Vot so good?" I said.
, old horse, nothing less
from which Г emerged,
ken. British Constitution,

as I say, sh
forsooth!”

"Eh?"

"And She sells sea shells by the sca
shore."
re you tight?"

о, but the cop thought I was."
“What cop?"

“It's a long story."

There flitted before my eyes a vision
of Horace Wanklyn pacing the floor of
the Senior Conservative smoking-room,
looking at his watch and muttering ^|
cometh not," but I thrust it from те.
However late Г might be for the tryst,
I had to probe this mystery of cops,
British constitutions and sea shells.

“Get on with it,” I said.

Ukridge straightened George Tup-
pers tie, flicked a speck of dust off
the sleeve of George Tupper's coat,
and prodded me impressively in the
stomach with my umbrell:

“Corky,” he said earnestly,
I would give to every you

starting out in f you are
going to vield to impulse, be careful

before you do so that there isn't a
blighter eight feet high and broad in
proportion standing behind you. This
one, 1 think, was more like eight feet

‘Which one?"

“I'm telling you. At the post office.
After slipping the shabby man his shil-
ling, I remembered that I was in need
of stamps, so—being well able to afford
the expenditure—I strolled to that post

office at the corner of the Strand to
purchase a few. I went in and found
only one customer ahead of me at the
stamp counter, a charmingly pretty girl
of, I should say, the stenographer class.
She was putting in a bid for a couple of
twopence-halfpennics and, like all girls,
was making quite a production of it.
You or I, when we feel the urge for
stamps, stride up, ask for them, dis-
gorge the needful and stride away
again, but girls like to linger and turn
the thing into a social occasion. So as
I stood there I had plenty of leisure to
look about me and take in the various
objects by thc wa Among them
was the girl's hand bag, which she had
laid on the counter beside her.

“It touched me, laddie. It was one of
those pathetic cheap handbags which
speak eloquently of honest poverty.
Her inexpensive frock also spoke clo-
quy of honest poverty. So did her
hat."

تن

We can't all pinch our hats."
“My heart ached for the poor little
thing. I knew exactly what а girl like
that would be getting a week. Just
about the three or four quid which you
or I would spend on a single dinner at
the Ritz"

The idea of Ukridge dining at the
Riv and paying for it took my breath
away, and he was able to continue with-
out interruption on my part.

"And І said to myself ‘Here is where
1 do my second good deed of the day’.
But this time, Со t was to be no
matter of a mere shi . 1 proposed to
h her to the extent of а whole

“You may well say 'Golly"". But that's
me. That is Stanley Ukridge. Lavish,
openhanded, counting thc cost
where

not
his emotions are stirred. The
problem was —"

"How to give it to her?"

xactly. You can't go slipping pretty
girls to whom you've never been in-
troduced quids. At le: you can, but
it may quite casily give rise to misun-
derstandings. However, I did not have
to muse long, for there was a sudden
crash outside in the street
legged it to see what was
leaving her bag on the counter. To
open it and slip in а Treasury note was
with me the work of a moment, and I
was just stepping back, feeling that thi
was а far, far better thing tl I had
ever done, when a heavy hand [ell on
my shoulder and there was this eight-
feetsix bird. All unknown to mc he
had lined up behind me in the queue,
and I could see at a glance that he was
one of those publicminded good citi-
zens who cause so much trouble.

“With а curt ‘Gotcher!” he led me out
into the street, Resistance was hopeless.
The muscles of his brawny arms were
strong as iron bands.

“ “1з this your bag, madam?’ he asked
the girl, who was standing drinking in
the wreckage of a couple of taxis. 1
caught this man pilfering its contents.
(continued on page 46)

Li

|

WARD 8
WHISKEY FLIP
ORANGE BLOSSOM
PINK LADY

TOM COLLINS

MANHATTAN

OLD FASHIONED
WHISKEY SOUR
DRY MARTINI

GIN RICKEY
WHISKEY COLLINS

GIN DAISY

COCKTAIL QUIZ

By JOSEPH C. STACEY

BEING A GOOD MIXER doesn't just mean
keeping in circulation at parties. It
can refer to the manly art of combining
the proper ingredients into that tasty
Symbol of Twentieth Century culture,
the cocktail. How good a mixer are
you! И you don't know, here's your
chance to find ош. Try matching these
twelve cocktails with the proper recipes.
A score of 8 is great; and 10 to 12 ish
shimply fabulush,

а 1 part sweet vermouth, 2 parts
whiskey, 1 dash of bitters, with
cherry.

b ] part sugar syrup, 2 parts lemon
juice, 8 parts whiskey, with cherry.

cep of 1 lemon, 2 jiggers whis-
key, 1 tablespoon sugar syrup, add
club soda, cherry.

а l part grenadine, 2 parts lemon
juice, 1 part orange juice, 8 parts
whiskey, with orange slice and
cherry.

el part grenadine. 2 parts lemon
juice, 8 parts ...نع‎ .2.. c'ub soda,
cherry. z

f l part dry vermouth, 5-10 parts
gin, with olive.

g legg yolk, 1 teaspoon sugar, 2 oz.
whiskey, with grated nutmeg.

h Juice of | lime, 2 oz. gin, add club
soda, half squeezed lime.

i 1 part grenadine, 2 parts lemon
juice, 2 parts apple brandy, 6
parts gin, egg white.

j 1 teaspoon sugar syrup, | dash
bitters, 1 oz. whiskey, with orange
slice, cherry.

к 1 tablespoon sugar syrup, juice of
l lemon, 2 jiggers gin, with
orange or lemon slice, cherry.

1 Мв part sugar syrup, 4 parts orange
juice, 8 parts gin.

PLAYBOY

CHARITY

Constable! said the eight-feet-sixer, ad-
dressing the rozzcr who was presiding
over the scene of the accident, and the
Tozzer came up.

“Well, there was nothing for it now,
of course, but to outline the facts. I
did so, and ту story was skeptically re-
ceived. I could sce they found it thin.
Fortunately at this point the girl, who
had been checking up on the bag, ut
tered a sharp squeal and reported that
she was a quid ahead of the game, so
my innocence was established.

“But not my sobriety. These rozzers
don't understand pure altruism. When
they find someone shoving quids into
the hand bags of perfect strangers, only
onc solution occurs to them. Mercifully,
it being earlyish in the day and me
rather saving myself up for that lunch
with Horace Wanklyn, when | would һе
able to get it free, it happened that 1
had not partaken of alcoholic refresh-
ment since the previous night, so when
at his request | breathed on the con-
stable, all he drew was the aroma of
coffee and eggs and bacon, and it
scemed to me that ۱ had shaken him.

“But these cops don't give up easily.
They fight to the last ditch. I was
compelled to utter in a clear voice the
words ‘British Constitution’ and ‘She
sells sea shells by the sea shore’ and in

(continued from page 44)

addition to walk a chalk line obliging-
ly drawn on the pavement by the eight
feersixer, who since the girl's revelation
had been showing a nasty spirit like
that of a tiger cheated of its prey. And
it is extremely humiliating for a proud
man, Corky, to have to say ‘She sells sea
shells by the sea shore’ and walk a
chalk line in front of a large crowd.
When at long last 1 was permitted to
pop off, my nervous system was in a
state of hash, and the whole episode has
left me with the fecling that my next
good deed, the concluding one of the
scries, has got to be an easy one, or І
give it a miss.”

It proved to be quite an easy one.
Even as he spoke, there came shuffling
along a ragged individual badly in need
of a shave. I saw his eye light up as it
fell on the splendor of Ukridge's cos
tume. He asked Ukridge if he felt in-
clined to save a human life, and Uk-
ridge said Yes, if it could be done for
sixpence. The ragged individual as-
sured him that sixpence would be am-
ple, it being bread that he was in need
of. He had not, he said, tasted bread
for some considerable time, and six-
penceworth would set him up nicely-

The money changed hands, and 1 was
a little surprised by the effusivencss of
the recipients gratitude. He pawed

“Well, well, well — Dotty Debber. What are you
doing these days?”

Ukridge all over like a long-lost broth-
er. 1 would not have supposed myself
that sixpence justified all that emo-
tion, but if you are fond of bread, no
doubt you look on these things from a
different angle. >

“Touching,” said Ukridge, alluding
to this osteopath ion.

"Vcry touching."

"Still. that Jets me out. From now
on, to hell with the deserving poor.
You oif?"

“You bet I'm off. I'm twenty min-
utes late already.”

And I set a course for the Senior
Conservative Club in Northumberland
Avenue.

lt was a relief to find on arriving
at journey’s end that the party of the
second part had not yet shown up at
the tryst. ] was accommodated with a
seat in the hall, and after another
quarter of an hour, pleasantly spent
in watching Senior Conservatives flit by
en route for the trough, I saw the hall
porter pointing me out to a man in a
glistening top hat who had just come
in. From the fact that he headed in my
direction I deduced that this must be
the author of that series of powerful
novels which plumbed the passionate
heart of Woman and all that sort of
thing and rendered him in consequence
an ideal set-up for an interview on the
Modern Girl,

"Mr. ErAh? From the Sunday Dis-
patch? How do you do? I hope you have
not been waiting long? I am a little
late. 1—ег—1 had to go home for some-
thing."

Horace Wanklyn was a long, thin,
stringy man in the early fifties with a
long, thin, stringy neck concealed at
the moment behind the highest collar
I had ever seen on human shirt. It
seemed to be giving him a certain
amount of discomfort, for he wriggled
а good deal, and 1 thought he seemed
ill at ease in the morning coat and
striped trousers which completed his
costume. But there was no gainsaying
their effectiveness as a spectacle. Solo-
mon in all his glory and Ukridge in
George Tuppers herringbone double-
breasted gray tweed with the custom-
made аре had nothing on this superb-
ly upholstered man of letters.

1 said I would appreciate it if hc
told me how he felt about the Modern
Girl, and his eyes lit up as if he were
glad 1 had asked him that. Не sat down
and began to talk, and right from the
start it became evident that he took an
extremely dim view of the Modern Girl.
He resented her bossiness, her deter-
mination to have her own way, her
lack of proper respect for her elders
and her habit of keeping on and on
about a thing like — I quote his words,
as Bowles would have said — a damned
governess.

“Nag, nag, nag!" said Horace Wank-
lyn, plainly brooding on some episode
in his past of which I knew nothing.

(continued overleaf)

ve join them?"

1

"Shall

A

PLAYBOY

"Nag, nag, nag, nag, nag!

It was after he had spoken for per-
haps ten minutes, giving me a wealth
of rich material for my column and a
quarter, that he paused and looked at
me intently.

"You married?"

l said | was not.

"No daughters?"

“No daughters."

"Ah!" It seemed to me that he sighed
a little enviously. “1 sce you're wear-
ing a soft shirt.”

Yos,"

With a soft collar."

"Yes"

"And gray flannel trousers, baggy

at the knees.”

“Yes”

Lucky young devil!” said Horace
Wanklyn.

As he spoke, a young man came in
from the street and started to cross
the ball. Catching sight of my compan-
n, he halted, spellbound.

‘Golly, Uncle Horace!" he explained.
^You look like Great Lovers Through
"The Ages. What's the idea of the fancy
dress? Why are you disguised as a gen-
tleman today?”

е Wanklyn sighed heavily.
made me go home and put

“Your child? Your daughter Patricia?"
"She and her sister have been after

me for months about the way I
dressed.”
nd rightly."
“ft isn't rightly at all" Horace

Wanklyn stirred uneasily, whether from
annoyance or because the corner of

his collar had jabbed him in the neck I
was unable to say. "Why shouldn't I
dress comfortably? I'm not a Duke. I'm
not an ambassador. I'm а literary man.
Look at this young fellow, who is also
a literary man. Soft shirt, soft collar
and baggy flannel trousers. Look at
Balzac. He used to wear а monk's robe
Look at — "

"| can't look at anything but you.
I'm fascinated. But aren't those things
youre wearing comfortable?"

"Of course theyre not comfortable.
I'm suffering agonics. But I had to put
them on. Patricia and her sister in-
said Horace Wanklyn, and I
thought what а good sentence that
would have been for Ше constable to
have used on Ukridge. "Patricia drove
me here in the car, nagging the whole
way, and I had just got out and she was
saying that if I persisted in going about
looking like one of the submerged
tenth, someone was g to come up
to me and say ‘Here, my good man’ and
give me a shilling, when I'in dashed if
someone didn't come up to me and say
‘Here, my good man’ and give me a
shilling.”

"Right on cuc."

"Yes" said Horace Wankly and
brooded for a moment in silence. "Well,
vou can guess the sequel,” he resumed,
having passed a finger round the inside
of his collar in the apparent hope of
loosening it. "Patricia said "There" 一
you know how women say ‘There! 一
and the long and the short of it was
that 1 was compelled to go home and
change into these damned things.”

"You look lovely.”

FEMALES BY COLE: 10

“I know I look lovely, but 1 can't
breathe."

"Do you want to?”

“Certainly 1 want to. And ГИ tell
you another thing I want" — here Hor-
acc Wanklyn gritted his tecth and there
came into his eyes а cold, purposeful
gleam—"and that is some day, some-
where, to meet that ‘Here, my good
man’ fellow again and deal with him
faithfully. ‘The idea I have in mind is
to cut him into small pieces with a
rusty knife."

"Having first sprinkled him with
boiling оп?"

"Yes" said Horace Wanklyn, weigh-
ing the suggestion and evidently ap-
proving of it. "Having first sprinkled
him with boiling oil. 1 shall then dance
on his remains" He turned to me.
"There is nothing more 1 can tell you,
Mr. Er-Ah?

"Not a thing, thank

“Then ГИ be getti: 10 the
colfec-room а I'm
lunching with a nephew of Julia Uk-
ridge’s,” he explained to the young
man.

There I thought he was being too
optimistic — or, it might be better to
say, pessimistic. I had а feeling that
when I had conveyed to him the sub-
stance of the recent conversation, Uk-
ridge might deem it the prudent course
to absent himself from the feast. Uk-
ridge had always been a good trencher-
man, particularly when a guest, but it
spoils the most lavish meal if your
host starts sprinkling you with boiling
ой and cutting you into small pieces

(continued on page 51)

g along

Available

MODERN
ART

HOBBY

humor by ROGER PRICE

THERE 15 NO BETTER HOBBY than modern
ап. Modern art is easy to learn, it is
not habit-forming, and it is a relaxing
hobby, because you can draw a picture
in five minutes and spend the next three
weeks lying around admiring it.

А lot of people don't understand mod-
ern art. When they look at a picture
they want to see something representa-
tional like a cow or a sunsct or an ice-
box. In order to understand art, you
must understand the psychological si;
nificance behind the picture. On this
page you will sce reproduced an expres-
sionistic painting I did last year of the
popular entertainer, Arthur Godfrey.

The layman will see nothing here but
a well-designed and beautifully execut-
са portrait, but by studying the sym-

Arthur Godfrey

bolism in this picture the trained ob-
server can tell quite a bit about the
subject.

From the way the head is broken up
into two separate masses of light and
dark. we can tell that. Mr. Godfrey is
an epicure. From the dark arcas sur-
roumding the head we can tcl he has
a strong parental attachment (to his
mother and father) And from the
sharp. pointy shapes in the upper left-
hand corner we can tcll his underwear
is too tight

You may notice that the figure's left
arm abnormally long and the hand
has six fingers on it. There is a reason
Гог this, too.

Bad drawing.

But, to me, the most interesting thing

about this portait is the series of little
angular designs in the lower part of the
picture, because they show the timeless
ness of all modern art. I shall explain.
When 1 was doing this picture, I
made up those designs out of my head.
Yet, only last week I was in the Metro-
politan Museum, and in the Guatemalan
Inca Indian Room, I saw some pottery
picces that were made by the Inca In-
dians over two thousand years ago. And
these pottery pieces had that same de-
sign on them that I made up out of my
own head. (See Figure I, next page.)

The pottery pieces also had an in-
scription on each one, which I trans-
lated, hoping to find some clue to the
origin of the design. However, the trans-
lations were not particularly helpful.

49

PLAYBOY

They read, "His" and “Hers” (from left
to right).
REPRESENTATIONAL DRAWING

If you wish, you may occasionally at-
tempt a representational drawing as an
exercise. И isn't as difficult as you
think. The thing to remember is don't
worry whether it (the drawing) looks
like anything or пог. Make this a rule.

Below is an example — a drawing of

of Uncle Parker as a youth:

DESIGN

my uncle Parker. ] have made innumer-
able drawings of Uncle Parker, who was
a very vain man and always liked to pose
for me. I recall that when Uncle Park
er was young he was awfully vain about
his blond, wavy hair. This is a picture LA AA)

FIGURE I. Inca Indi Pieces

However, when Uncle Parker got to
be about twenty-five years old, all his
hair fell out, and we learned his horrible
secet, Uncle Parker's hair was really
straight. It was his skull that was wavy:

FIGURE П. Portrait of the Artist and Miss Delray

LANDSCAPE PAINTING

Landscape drawings, either from life
or memory, сап be a source of many
hours of (un and relaxation. Figure Ш
is a landscape | recently completed,
which 1 have entitled, A Scene in Texas.

This is one of the least difficult types
of drawings and is recommended for the
beginner.

LEONARD STERN, MODERN PAINTER

Leonard Stern is probably the very
best, least known modern painter (with
the possible exception of Grand paw
Moses). His paintings are very much
worth studying. Figure TI is an example
of his style, which he himself chose as
representative (reproduced [ull scale).

This particular picture, Portrait of
the Artist and Miss Patricia Delray, is
quite well known, principally because
of the newspaper publicity it received
when a Dr. Carl Gassoway formed a
committee and attempted not only to
have the painting banned from the Mu-
seum of Modern Art, but to have Mr.
Stern arrested [or indecency. He failed.
ї all true artists are, of course. used
to such blue-stocking carpings, and Mr.
Stern took the whole affair philosophi-
cally, saying, "I can't make no conces
sions. I paint whatever's on my mind."

FIGURE III. A Scene in Tex:

[ШП ЕГ continued from page 14)

he'll go along with me and give himself
up.

No.

That isn't why you're out tonight.
You don't care whether he gives himsclt
up or not. You only want him to know
that you understand — isn't that

You couldn't have any other reason.

It isn't possible that you're secking
out a lunatic for any other reason.

Certainly you don't want him to
touch you.

Assuredly you don't want him to put
his arms around you and kiss you, be-
causc no man has ever done that — as-
suredly, assuredly.

It isn't you he
He wouldn't be
don...

"But what if he doesn't!" The words
spilled out in a small choked cry. "What
if he ѕсеѕ me and runs away! Or 1 don't
find him. Others have been looking.
What makes me think ГИ 一

Now thc air swelled with the sounds
of life: frogs and birds and locusts,
moving; and the wind, running across
the trecs and rceds and foliage at im-
mense speed, whining, sighing,

Everywhere there was this loudness,
and a dark like none Julia had ever
known. The moon was gone entirely.
Shadowless, the surrounding fields
were great pools of liquid black, stretch-
ing infinitely, without horizon.

Fear came up in her chest, clutching.

She tried to scream.

She stood paralyzed, nioveless, a pale
terror drying into her throat and into
her heart.

Then, from far away, indistinctly,
there came a sound. A sound like foot-
steps on gravel.

Julia listened, and tried to pierce
the darkness. The sounds grew louder.
And louder. Someone was on the tracks.
Coming closer.

She waited. Years passed, slowly. Her
breath turned into a ball of expand.
ing ice in her lungs.

Now she could sce, just a

It was a man. A black man-form.
Perhaps — the thought increased her
fear — a hobo. It mustn't be one of the
hobos.

No. It was a younger man. Mick!
Mick, come to tell her, "Well, we got
him!" and to ask narrowly, "What thc
devil you doing out here, Julie?" Was
it Mick?

She saw the sweater. The ball of ice
in her lungs began to melt, a little. A
sweater. And shoes that seemed almost
white.

Not a hobo. Not Mick. Not anyone
she knew.

She waited an instant longer. Then,
at once, she knew without question
who the young man was.

And she knew that he had seen her.

The fear went away. She moved to
the center of the tracks.

Туе been looking for you,” she said,
soundlessly. "Every night Гуе thought
of you. T have.” She walked toward the

wants. It isn’t love.
taking Julia Lan-

man. "Don't be afraid, Mr. Oakes. Please
don't be afraid. I'm not.

The young man stopped. He seemed

to freeze, like an animal prepared for
flight.
He did not move, for several seconds.
Then he began to walk toward Julia,
ightly, hesitantly, rubbing his hands
along his trousers.

When Julia was close enough to see
his eyes, she relaxed, and smiled.

Perhaps, she thought, fecling the first
drop of rain upon her face, perhaps if
I don't scream he'll let me live.

That would be nice.

E
COMPANY POLITICS

(continued from page 25)

from Upper Hohokus, New Jersey, to
East Squague, Long Island. This is an
advantage. Use И will insulate you
from those who might annoy you, and
put you right into the Japs of those with
whom you would like to be cozy.

Beware the Commuter's Bridge Game.
It isa rare man indeed who remains long
on speaking terms with his "cronies" of
the morning and cvening bridge game.
И you must play bridge, choose men in
another company, preferably another in-
dustry. Some men are slow to forgive,
and smoldering hatreds have blasted
many a budding career.

Be a Nodder. The skillful Paper Read-
er (as opposed to the Bridge Commuter)
soon learns to give influential acquain-
tances а warm, charming nod-and-smile
as he passes their halfempty seats and
sits with a total stranger.

This is to be recommended even if the
acquaintance is important to you in
company politics. It may seem a wasted
opportunity but it may prevent your
being transferred abruptly to North
Dakota.

Pick the Right Country Club. Tl
of course, is a must. The gay man-to-m:
Gemütlichkeit of the locker room, the
rough-and-ready camaraderie of sand
trap and water hole will stand you in
good stead in the hurly-burly of the
business world.

One keen young man made a smash-
ing success by always managing to ar-
tive first at his boss’s ball when it lay
the rough. After deftly kicking it out
of a rabbit hole he would sa

“Here it is, J. B., in the clear!

“Good boy, Finch. Mighty lucky
Im not in that damned rabbit
hole!”

"Yes, sir, mighty lucky!"

“Matter of fact, I always scem to
have better luck when I go around
with you, Finch!
But this, as we will sce, gocs almost

beyond the level of Company Politics —
and approaches a higher one. We will
take it up in our next article.
NEXT MONTH: “HOW TO BE
A FAIR-HAIRED BOY”

CHARITY

(continued from page 48)

And [ was right. As 1 waited in the
strect outside thc club, he came bust-
ling up.

"Hullo,
interview

“Ye I said. “And you've finished
your lunch.”

As he listened to the story I had to
tell, his mobile features
lengthened.
neath the slings and arrows of outrage-
ous Fortune had left this man's fibres
toughened, but not so toughened that
he was able to bear the latest of them
with nonchalance.

However, after we had walked some
little distance, he seemed to rally.

“Ah, well,” he said. "Oh. ever thus
from childhood's hour lue seen my
fondest hopes decay. 1 never loved a
tree от flower bui "twas the first to
fade away. | always remember those
lines, Corky, having had to write them
out five hundred times on the осса-
sion at school when 1 brought a stink
bomb into the formroom. The son-tu-
to be off.”

read aright the message т
Horace Wanklyn's eyes, yes.”

"On thc other hand, I've got this
colossal sum of fifteen . . . no, it's a bit
less than that now, isn't it? . this
colossal sum of . .. perhaps Га better
count it.” He reached for his hip-pock-
nd his jaw fell like a drooping lily.
rky! My wallet's gone!”

old horse. Finished your

“What”
“I see it all. It was that blister I
gave the sixpence to. You remember

how he рамей mo?”
“I remember, You were touched.”
d Ukridge in a hollow

A ragged individual came up. Lon-
don seemed full of ragged individuals
today. He took a brief look at the knecs
of my trousers, dismissed me as having
ore-producing potentialities and trans-
ferred his attention to Ukridge.

“Pardon me addressing you, sir, but
am | right in supposing that you arc
Captain the Honorable Anthony Wil-
berforce?"

“No.”

“You are not Captain the Honorable
Anthony Wilberforce?”

“No.”

“You look very like
Honorable Anthony Wilberforce.

“I can't help that.”
^m sorry you are not Captain the
Honorable Anthony Wilberforce, bc-
cause he is a very liberal, openhanded
gentleman. If I had told Captain the
Tlonorable Anthony Wilberforce that it

is some considerable time since I
tasted bread — ”
"Come on, Cork Ukridge.

The love feast was over. Deserving
Poor Ordinaries were down in the cel-
ar, with no takers.

E

PLAYBOY

52

BAD ERROR (continued from page 32)

with precaution, where she listened to
my sleeping, and unscrewed the bolts.

Toward midnight she arrived at her
post of observation. I followed her im-
mediately, Оп perceiving me she was
going to cry out, but 1 put my hand over
her mouth and, without too great elfort,
1 convinced myself that if she had not
lied Mine Jadelle was very well made.

1 even put much zest into this authen-
tication which, though pushed a little
far, did not seem to displease Cesarinc.
She was, in very fact, a ravishing speci-
men of the Norman peasant race, strong.
and fine at the same time. She was

"Room service . . .

wanting perhaps in certain delicate at-
tenuons that Не VI would have
scorned, but I revealed them to Бег
quickly, and, as a token of my affection,
1 gave her the next evening a flask of
lavender perfume.

We were soon more closely bound to
each other than 1 could have believed,
almost friends. She became an exquisite
mistress, naturally spirituelle and broken
to pleasure. She had been a courtesan of
grcat merit in Paris.

The delights which she brought me
enabled me to await Mme Jadelle’s con-
clusion of proof without impatience, I

۷ hae

=:

became an incomparable character, sup-
ple, docile and complacent, My fiancee
found me delightful beyond a doubt,
and I judged from certain signs that I
was soon to be accepted. 1 was cer-
tainly the happiest man in the world,
awaiting tranquilly the legal kiss of the
woman I loved, in the arms of a young
and bcautiful girl for whom 1 had much
fondness.

adame, that 1 must ask
icc a little; I have arrived
at a delicate point.

One evening as we were returning
from a horseback ride, Mme Jadelle
complained sharply that her grooms had
not taken certain measures prescribed
by her for the horse she rode. She re-
peated many times: “Let them take care,
I have a way of observing them."

1 passed a calm night in my bed. 1
awoke carly, full of ardor and energy.
Then I dressed myself.

T was in the habit of going up on the
tower of the house each morning to
smoke a cigarette. This was reached by
a limestone staircase lighted by a large
window at the top of the first story.

T advanced without noise, my feet en-
cased in morocco slippers with wadded
soles, and was bing the first steps
when I perceived Cesarine bending out
the window, looking down below.

Not that 1 saw Cesarine entirely, but
only a part of Cesarine, and that the
lower part. 1 loved this part just as
much: of Mme Jadelle I would have pre-
ferred, perhaps, the upper, She was thus
so charming, so round, this part which
offered itself to me, and only slightly
clothed in a white skirt.

I approached so softly that thc girl
heard nothing. The sweetness of her per-
fume engulfed me. 1 put myself on my
knees; with infinite precaution I took
hold of the two sides of the skirt and,
quickly, I raised it. 1 recognized there
the full, fresh, plump, swect ischial ru-
berosities of my mistress, and with the
utmost gentleness—your pardon, madame
—I placed there a tender kiss, a kiss of
a lover who dares anything,

Alas, madame! ‘Too late I recognized
the perfume as verbena, not lavender! 1
received a sudden blow, or rather a push
in the face which seemed to break my
nose. Т uttered a cry that made my һай
rise. The person had turned around—it
was Mme Jadelle!

She was fighting the air with her
hands, like a woman who had lost con-
sciousness. She gasped for some seconds,
made a gesture of using a horsewhip
and then fled.

"Ten minutes later Cesarine, stupefied,
brought me in a letter. 1 read:

Mme Jadelle hopes that M. de Brives
will immediately rid her of his presence,

I departed. Well, I am not yet con-
soled. I have attempted every means and
all explanations to obtain a pardon for
my misunderstanding, but all procecd-
ings have been nipped in the bud.

Since that moment, you see, I have in
in my heart a scent of verbena
which gives me an immoderate desire
to smell the perfume again.

PLAYBOY’S BAZAAR| Wa

All orders should be sent to the ad-
dresses listed in the descriptive para-
graphs and checks or money orders
made payable to the individual com-
panies. With the exception of person-
alized items, oll of these products are
guaronteed by the companies and you
must be completely satisfied or the
full purchase price will be refunded.

PLAYBOY BINDER
Here's that classy cordoba binder that
holds twelve issues of you-know-what.
‘The magazine's name and famous rab-
bit emblem are stamped in gold leaf on
the cover.

It's sturdy, made of attrac-
just $2.75

boy Book Dept
Chicago И, Illinois.

PRIVATE LINE
15 the answer to that pressing qucs-
how can І tune in to my favorite
disc jock without disturbing the lovely

item snoozing on the adjoining pillow?
‘This remote speaker has dual volume
controls — onc [ог the speaker at your
set; one for your bedside, love seat,
rumpus room, john, and like that. With
-{t. cord, $9.95, Ppd. Zephyr Products,
9 Oak St., Dept. DR, Kansas City, Mo.

TIE THAT!
Crumpled cravats no longer need plague
the traveling playboy. ‘This jewel-tone
plastic tichanger latches onto any
standard closet without tools, screws or
marred woodwork. When junketing, you
simply slip out hook, pack flat, and
hang them when you get there. Holds
24 neck ornaments, and puts you back
а paltry $1.10, cluding ^ postage.
Blach’s, Dept. FJA, Birmingham 3, Ala.

WITH A SILVER SPOON . . .
The thing with a spoon in it is a salt

dish (very Continental); the other
handwrought Danish Silver items arc
pepper shaker, cigarette cup and ash
tay. The glittering quartette makes a
handsome matching cating-and-smoking
set for your bachelor apartment. Each
item costs just $11.00, Ppd, and they'll
pay excise tax. H. Nils, 1 East 58th
St, Dept. 62-Р, New York 22, М. Y.

A "sweetheart" of a gown, a shadowy
delight, symphony of the finest
material, the most beautiful styling
ever to grace the body beautiful.
Pity Cleo, pity duBarry, who never
knew the rapture, the allure of such
miracle fabrics. This 100% finest-
nylon masterpiece is comfortably
form-fitted with drawn waistband,
very full skirt, exciting bare back.
Soft corded shoulder straps. In
white, black. Sizes 32-38.

$12.95 реноде 15e

10-РАУ MONEY BACK GUARANTEE
Petite Paus тоно
SANFORD, FLORIDA

PETITE PARIS LINGERIE, SANFORD, FLORIDA
Enclosed find check {money order) for $.

Pleose send те...
О Color D Send C.O.D.

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口 Send Free Catolog

Nome.

53 75

THE BEST

Playbay Book Dept.
11 E. Superior Street
Chicago 11, Illinois

FROM PLAYBOY

If you enjoy the magazine, you'll
love the book. Herc are all your
favorite features from the first year
of PLAYBov —the best cartoons,
stories, humor, articles, and jokes
— together in one handsome, hard-
cover volume as a permanent
source of sophisticated, masculine.
entertainment. 160 рареѕ — 16 of
them in color. You'll want a copy.
for your own library, and several

Please send me —— copies of
for your friends.
THE BEST FROM PLAYBOY $ enclosed
NAME. я
ADDRESS.
CITY-

ZONE. STATE.

"PLAYBOY CAN WAIT...

DIEN
DEDAN AY

... This is Paradise, just being here with you.” And
he's right, of course. That copy of rrAYBov in his

brief case can be enjoyed any tim anywhere —
which may not be true of the young lady. We would
be the last to suggest that he read the mz с ат
a time like this. But a little later on, both he and
the lady will be glad to sip a friendly drink and
enjoy PLAYBOY together. She might even persuade
him to enter an extra subscription for her, if she's
the modern, sophisticated girl she seems. And speak-
ing of subscriptions, have you subscribed to PLAYBOY
yet? If you haven't, why not use the convenient
order blank on this page and do so today?

З years SIS 2 or 10

(You save $5.00 from the {You save $2.00 from the
regular single-copy price.) regular single-copy price.)

1 year 6

Please enter my subscription to PLAYBOY for

3 years $13
$.— — enclosed O 2 years $10
O Т year $6
NAME
ADDRESS.
cm.
ZONE STATE. ==

ENTER ADDITIONAL SUBSCRIPTIONS ON А SEPARATE
SHEET OF PAPER. SEND TO PLAYBOY, 11 E. SUPERIOR,
CHICAGO 11, ILLINOIS

NEXT MONTH

— а story by Irwin Shaw — a satire by
Ray Russell — a collection of very masculine
toasts — and a visit with a pin-up photographer

who turns out to be quite a pin-up herself.

3
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