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ENTERTAINMENT FOR MEN 


PLAYBOY 


DECEMBER 1963 • $1.25 


a = 


TENTH HOLIDAY ISSUE 


CHRISTMAS FACT AND FICTION BY 
ALBERT SCHWEITZER, J. PAUL GETTY, 
RAY BRADBURY, ALBERTO MORAVIA, BEN 
HECHT, MORTIMER ADLER, ROBERT PAUL 
SMITH, ARTHUR KOPIT, LENNY BRUCE, 
ROBERT BLOCH, LAWRENCE DURRELL 


^s 


PLAYBOY'S TEN FAVORITE PLAYMATES 
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PLUS A NINE-PAGE GIFT PORTFOLIO 


The Crew-saders. 


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PLAYBILL су nins susse cures comes with the compliments of December's puckered Pl 
Donna Michelle, who has thrown a kiss his way in honor of the first of two special issues 
celebrating pLaysoy’s 10th birthday. The die-cut double cover is a unique portent of the king-sized offering of Christ- 
mas goodies within its gold-trimmed wrappings. On the inside, PLayboy has placed an eye-catching gift assortment of 
well-chosen words, jewel-bright photos and fine artwork. 
Our fictive Christmas cup. гш with renowned. rLaynoy 
ively poignant tale of a f sile 
silent; he has become, and we quote 
Pavilion/New York World's Fair." In this capacity, he has contributed a dr : symbolic 
terms, a dynamic history of America and its machines," The ubiquitous Bradbury also will be welcoming to these 
shores French New Wave director. Francois Truffaut, who will be filming Ray's Fahrenheit 151 (pLaywoy, March, 
April New York, In с collection of Bradbury short 
stories. The Machineries of Joy, the tide story of which appea in PL 2 Phill (two 15 please) Renaud, the 
Canadian-born, Chicago-based artist who produced the sensitive illustration for The Vacation, is one of many contrib- 
ш rds lor rıavmoy. With Eyewitness, Alberto Moravia, lalys primo autore, puts iu 
of а crisis in a servantmisuress 1 
nd added sales for More Roman Tales, of which is a part, to 
ysation Over Moo Goo Gai Pan, has just forsaken Chinese- 
restaurantfilled New York City for the exurbs where he is kept busy juggling a ра hing 
positions (Columbia and the New School), Followers of this magazine will remember w шиш 
The Labors of Love (October 1961). Moo Goo Gai Pan, we assert, will not leave the 


Ray Bradbury’s The Vacation, an 
«хос 


t world. 


te Bradbury is currently far from 


d: "Inte nt /United States Government 


asterful limnir 


be published Anatole Broyard, author of 


т of novels and a pair of t 


h affection hi 
der with 


DURKELL 


BLOCH 


а hall-hour 
of the e of Autobus, а bumbershooted diplomatic corpsman born out of Dunrell’s own foreign-service 
the literary pantheon was assured with his Alexandria Quartet, spent a non- 
ross the Continent to supe production of a number of his plays, 
An Hish Faustus. And there's the Devil to pay in Psycho author Robert Bloch's. Beelzebub, 
ignol about a man beset by an entomological upd ol Coleridge's albatross. 

Prohibition, the alky-logged albatross that hu 
The “Noble” Experiment by Ben Hecht, the Boswell of the Bathtub Gin Era. His wry tour of th 
of a Hectic schedule that included: a new book, Letters from Bohemia 


experiences. Durrell, whose niche 
n-type summer hopscotching 


g around Americ:’s neck for 14 yc 


ludicrous аце was one p: 


and Jeucrs from such Bohemians as H. L. Mencken and Charles MacArthur); а contract to write 29 h 

а CBS comedy series: the writing and d of a movie, The Empty Coffin. in New York: and the attempt to 
get Broadway musical which Hecht says "might save the U.S. from an era of boredom.” A more 
conte iniscence is To Paradise, by Ferry by Arthur Кори. The precocious author of the marathoi 


monickered Oh Dad, Poor Dad. Mamma's Hung You in the Closet and I'm Feelin’ So Sad backgrounds his Tle du 
Levant idyl thusly: “In the late spring of 1960 1 was in Cannes, nearly broke, and enjoying myself immeasurably. 
The events described іп To Paradise, by Ferry are all tue; the style, like the Riviera itself, a little wind-blowi 
Ars longa, vita brevis: 

In this brief life-span of ours, Albert Schweitzc а several lifetimes of accomplishment — 
1 interpreter of Bach, and as a healer of the sick and the outcast. To reach the good doctor of 
avsov’s interviewer — in a singular odyssey — traveled. by plane, jeep. dugout canoe and on foot, е 
gaged Schweitzer in a revealing discussion, and started back for his home base in Souther 
h him and PLaysoy communiqués remained unanswered. А mo 


. Suddenly, we 
th later, a note from him unraveled 


4 


fighting had acted up and thrown him back into 
the hospital for major surgery and subsequent incommunicado recuperation, Today, our Stanleylike correspondent 
is fine, and so, we believe, is his Schweitzer interview. 

Morality of a less rarified natur shed іп |. Paul Geuys The Morals of Money, wherein. author 
the obligations of the affluent. to society are manifold and, on occasion, burdensome. The burden 
g а maximum amount of reading into à um amount of time can be greatly lightened according to Di. 
er Adler in How to Read a Book Superficially. Sultan of the Syntopicon, guru of the Great Books, impresari 
mhor of the bestselling How Jo Read a Rook, Adler is eminently 
qualified to point the way to the swift absorption of the classics for fun and intellectual profit 

Somewhat dismayed by the far-from-superficial interest the First Family has shown in matters cultural. Mr. Smith 
(Robert Paul) Goes to Washington in Everybody Shinny on His Own Side, and recommends that the Clin Kennedy 
kick the artssponsoring habit forthwith, Meanwhile back in New York, the pithy Smith has just had published 
How to Grow Up in One Piece which he describes as “a children’s book for adults, or an adult's book for children. 
Au adult look at youth's mirthful misconceptions, William Zinsser's Saltpeter and the Wolj chants the zany course 
through history of that notorious chemical of prepschool and Aimed Forces infamy which we all “кием” was being 
thor, it 


is wi 


o 


xh. 


ше fen 


Philosophical Res 


slipped ptitiously to knock the wind out of our sex 
conjunction with cartoonist J 
rites, Weekend Guests 


us 


al sails. Anaphrodisiac expert Zinsser is the 
published tongue-in-cheek tome on Americ 


n visiting 


or your yuletide jollies, pLavnoy has updated Clement Moore's St. Nick cli gadingding 
wht: What a Night Before Christmas! stars Si 1 Marty Krollt's ішегі y famous Les Poupées de 
wooden wonders who have performed with dishabilled verve at PJs in Hollywood (а splinter group proved a bare 
s York Theater, and Las Vegas’ Hacienda Hotel; in 1964 the 


JRADBURY 


BROYARD 


| ZINSSER SMITH 


‘Two of the world's 


Krolfts' answer to No Strings has a date to keep with New York City's World's F irest are 
featured in Susan and Kim, а photo fillip that pictures the Misses Strasberg and Novak in fetchingly unfettered array. 
re ten enticing damsels on display in Editors’ Choice, the PLAYBOY staff's personal preferences 
from a decade of Playmates that has seen more than a hundred gorgeous creatures grace our gatelold. 

During the past 10 years, the country's top cartoonists have contributed. their inventive wares to PLAYBOY’s 
pages, and some of their best efforts have been directed to adding their own brand of yulefoolery to c 
In Choice Cartoons of Christmas Past, we encore a covey of December cartoons with the obvious р 


Five times as unfettered 


r Nmas issues, 


с of time has dimmed none of their 
And with the third 
also obvious that exch succeeding ent 
nition Lenny has on hand to offset the slings and 
In The Playboy Philosophy this month, E 
contemporary society displayed by its professed beliefs and actual. behavior, 

Stuffers for the rrAynov Christmas stocking include Food and Drink Editor Thomas Mario's The Holiday Roast 
nd а companion piece оп potables, Holiday Spirits — Hot and Cold. both designed to send the reader scurrying to 
d giog: Merry. Christmas! a nine-page plenitude of gi 
ashion Director Robert L. С ін 
for the kite-night reruns in The Termer 
mures of. Litlle Annie Fanny: and an overflow 
rimmed Decembe: 


pass 


nt Lenny Bruce's How to Talk Dirty and Influence People, it’s 


hedub e 
the Bruce autobiography indi 
rows of his tormentors. 

jor Publisher Hugh M. Hefner zeroes in on the hypocrisy of 


allment of n 


ates anew the arsenal of high-caliber ammu: 


ус and to get— unique and utile — 


and sophistic estions for Gifting the Girls; more larout 
Jecbies Story. this batch supplied by rravaov’s editors: the holid 
ares, Cartoons and reviews. 


ue our biggest and, we think, best yet—as a 


plus F 


And so, wc offer rrAvnov's mistletoc- 
fitting landmark and as choice holiday fare. 


ae 


So pale that new Noilly Prat French Vermouth is virtually invisible in / 
your gin or vodka. Extra pale and extra dry for today's correct Martinis. | «i: 


BROWNE-VINTNERS COMPANY, NEW YORK, NEW YORK - SOLE DISTRIBUTORS FOR THE U.S.A. 


vol. 10, no. 12 — december, 1963 


PLAYBOY. 


E 


Editors’ Choice 


Night Before Christmas 


GENERAL OFFICES: PLAYOOY шин, 232 E 


NOTHING MAY BE REPRINTED IN WHOLE CR IN FART 


BY FOMPEO POSAR, HAIRSTYLE BY FRCO"S SHEARS 
MARIO сл, FETE TURNER; Р. во rucros 
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еного BY POSAR: P. 128-129 PHOTOS BY FLAYECY 
ALL, POSAR, EDHUND LEIA; P. 174475 


CONTENTS FOR THE MEN’S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE 


PLAYBILL........ БЕ 3 
DEAR PLAYBOY 9 
PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS. 23 
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 45 
THE PLAYBOY FORUM 53 


THE PLAYBOY PHILOSOPHY: PART 13—editorial HUGH M. HEFNER 67 
PLAYBOY'S INTERNATIONAL DATEBOOK—travel PATRICK CHASE 85 
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: ALBERT SCHWEITZER—candid conversation 89 
GIFTING THE GIRLS. ROBERT 1. GREEN 95 
THE VACATION—fiction RAY BRADBURY 100 
WHAT A NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS!—humor 103 
HOLIDAY SPIRITS—HOT ... AND COLD—drink THOMAS MARIO 108 
EYEWITNESS—fiction ALBERTO MORAVIA 111 
HOW TO READ A BOOK SUPERFICIALLY—arlicle MORTIMER ADLER 115 
SUSAN AND KIM—pictori 116 
EVERYBODY SHINNY ON HIS OWN SIDE—opi ROBERT PAUL SMITH 123 
THE MORALS OF MONEY—article J. PAUL GETTY 124 
TO PARADISE, BY FERRY—memoir ARTHUR KOPIT 127 
PLAYBOY'S CHRISTMAS CARDS—humor. JUDITH WAX ond LARRY SIEGEL 128 
CONVERSATION OVER MOO GOO GAI PAN—fi ANATOLE EROYARD 131 
THE HOLIDAY ROAST—food THOMAS MARIO 132 
PRIMA DONNA—playboy’s playmate of the month 136 
PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES—humor 142 
SALTPETER AND THE WOLF—article WILUAM ZINSSER 145 
A CORKING EVENING—fiction LAWRENCE DURREIL 147 
SYMBOLIC SEX—humor DON ADDIS 149 


BEELZERUB—fiction ROBERT BLOCH 151 
EDITORS’ CHOICE—pictori 153 
THE LADY AND THE WENCH—ribald classic 165 


MADISON SQUARE GARDEN—men at his leisure LEROY NEIMAN 169 
ON THE SCENE—personalities 172 
THE "NOBLE" EXPERIMENT—nostalgic BEN HECHT 174 


CHOICE CARTOONS OF CHRISTMAS PAST—humor 176 
HOW TO TALK DIRTY AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE—cutobiography. LENNY BRUCE 182 
MERRY CHRISTMAS!—ojfts 185 
THE TEEVEE JEEBIES STORY—satire 194 


JULES FEIFFER 220 
THE MONA LISA—humor JIM BEAMAN 263 
HARVEY KURTZMAN ond WILL ELDER 270 


THE LOAN—humor ~.. 
THE PLAYBOY ART GALLER’ 
LITTLE ANNIE FANNY—s 


nuen м 


eener editor and publishes 
A. с, SFECTORSKY associate publisher and editorial director 
ARTHUR PAUL arl director 


JACK J. казык managing editor VINCENT т. тәркі picture editor 
FRANK DE ШО, MURRAY FISHER, NAT LEHEMAN, SHELDON wax associate editors; 
ROBERT L GREEN fashion director; pavio TAYLOR associate fashion editor; TOMAS 
wawo food & drink editor; PATRICK CHASE travel edito; J. PAUL GETTY consulting 
editor, business & finance; CHARLES. BEAUMONT, RICHARD GEHMAN, PAUL SKASSNER, 
KEN w. оноу contributing edilors; SAS амики сору editor; MICHAEL LAURENCE 
JACK SHARKEY, RAY WILLIAMS assistant edilors; BEV CHAMBERLAIN associate picture 
editor: BONNIE помак assistant iclure edilor: DON BRONSTEIN, MARIO CASHLLI 
POMPEO rosak, ришу VULSMAN staff photographers: FRANK ЕСК, STAN MALINOWSKI 
contributing phologsaphers: peeo eraser models” stylist; жр AUSTIN. asociate 
art director; RON BLUME, JOSEPH АСЕК assistant art directors; WALTER KRADENYCHE 
art assistant; CYNTMIA. MADDON assistant cartoon editor; JOUN MASTRO. produc- 
tion manager; FERN нлитк1. assistant production manager = HOWARD W. LEDERER 
advertising director: JULES Kase eastern advertising manager; төзген raia mid 

stern advertising manager; Josten GUENTHER Detroit advertising manag 


er: махох Fren promotion director; DAS савак promotion arl director 
MAMET rowei publicity manager; мкхху mny public relations man 
ANSON MOUNT college bureau: THEO FREDERICK Personne! director; JANET таллам 


reader service: Warrer HOWARTH subscription fulfillment manageri ELDON 
SELLERS special projects: ROMERT PREUS business manager & circulation director 


Advances on the slopes are coldcomfort 
at best. But break the ice with an eye to 


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DEAR PLAYBOY 


БІ ADDRESS PLAYBOY MAGAZINE > 232 E. OHIO ST., CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611 


POOR RICHARD 

Your Burton interview. in the Sep 
tember issue certainly must have boosted 
circulation. An article of Christine Keel 
er's views on government and economics 
would have done as well. The Burton 
interview proved nothing other than 
that he is just another prostituted stud 
in mighty pursuit of the big buck; to hell 
with taste, discretion, and the feelings of 
others. Others being us poor maligned 
masses bombarded daily with lurid sensa- 
tional accounts of the lives and loves of 
these people. 


Bill Lamkins 
Honolulu, Hawaii 


I was not surprised to read the intelli 
gently handled, fascinating. and stimu- 
lating interview of Richard Burton, for 
which you deserve much praise, as does 
your well-chosen interviewer, Kenneth 
Tynan. It is consistent with the excellent 
quality of your magazine. 


C. Lawrence 
Chicago, Illinois 


Re Kenneth Tynan's interview of 
Richard Burton in the September 
PLAYBOY. It's evident that Mr. Burton 
riously, but really, now, 
Yt expect us to do the same, 


Judith Hardes 
Phoenix, Arizona 


HUBBY CLUB 

William Iversen's Love, Death and the 
Hubby Image is new proof— if. new 
proof were necessary — that PLAYBOY tells 
the truths that need to be told first, and 
tells them best. As a Middle Easterner 
who has spent the last three years in this 
country, attending school, | have been 
appalled at the amount of castrating, 
demeaning and utterly inescu 
“good-natured” kidding that the Ameri 
can news and communications med 
heap on the unresisting American male. 
1 cannot imagine another country with 


a population of selfrespectin, 


ble 


ia 


reason- 


ably brave men where a show like / Love 
Lucy, or Make Room for Daddy would 
merrily on its way, for 10 years, watched 
by millions of wives and wives-to-be, and 
dedicated to proving that if it were not 


for the cheerful litle woman standing 
behind him ай the way, hubby would 
long g talked 
with several American males about the 
subject and getting only a sick grin in 
answer, | had thought that the mental 
castration and emotional spine breaking 
of the American man by his mate was 
complete. Thank you for proving me 
wrong. 


ago have collapsed, Hav 


Khachig Tololyan 
Watertown, Massachusetts 


After reading William Iversens Love, 
Death and the Hubby Image Y got up 
and crossed to the center of the room 
meeting my wife halfway. I feinted with 
my eyes and dropped her with a hard 
left hook. She rolled and was up on one 
knee at eight, rc 
mild surpi 
what she's been up to. 
icriously, 1 found the article to be a 
clear echo of my thoughts on the subject. 
Vm sure that this piece will bring a volley 
of hot replies from those who h: 
ficed so much, but it may cause intelli- 
gent broads to reflect — 1 hope 
James Gardner 
Beeville, Texa 


ter 


g g litle more than 
se, but she ne 


n't have after 


© sacri 


of the extent to which 
my marriage had crucified me until 1 
read William lversen's September article, 
Love, Death апа the Hubby Image. It 
surely r 
against common sense PrAvnoy has pub- 
lished. 

Many of Iversen's allegations have an 
uncomfortable grain of truth. in them, 
but the whole wuth of marriage isa liule 
more complex, and involves deeper cmi 
tions, than your author apparently can 
feel. Mature women simply are uot the 
greedy creatures pictured only as con- 
suming machines; mature men simply are 
not bumbling fools in a 13th Century 
romantic stupor. Neither could submit 
to being led around by the nose, as Iver- 
sen states men are, and implies women 
should be. 

Bachelorhood, the proffered alter 
tive, has never to my knowledg 
succes 


Т wasn't aw; 


ks as the shallowest diatribe 


been 
fully practiced by any society more 
advanced than that of bees, 1 don't be- 
lieve that romautic marriage entered into 


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by emotion. 
because it i 


ly stable adults is wrong 
а sociologi 
4 lacks the flavor of male supremacy, 
пог cau I accept that Iversen's alterna- 
tive is better because it hasn't been tried. 
Fred Juergens, Jr. 
Case Institute of Technology 
Cleveland. Ohio 


ly new idea 


At last, the perfect cure. Whenever а 
member of our Bachelors Anonymous 
feels he is losi » on swinglchood, 

d brings a TRI to 
his door, and while they tool around 
town, the slipping singleton gulps Love, 
Death and the Hubby Image by Iversen. 
We'll kick it yet! 


a call to a buddy 


Ed Fox 
Baltimore, Maryland 


William Iversen’s brilliant article, 
Lowe, Death and the Hubby Image, 
would have been even more entertaining 
if it were not so ti ecurate, Some- 
how the humor is hollow when you re- 
fect how squarely on-target Iversen is in 
his critique of the sick Ame 
riage relationship. 

However, Iversen, like ша 


y others, 
when he lays much of the blame at 


ei 
the doorstep of the mass media. U 
fortunately, the popular media in u 
country are not leaders, originators, or 
even guidance counselors. At best, they 
merely amplify the mores of a society 
they did not create, 

The most popular magazines are those 
which carry articles which the public 
wants 10 read; the most popular radio 
stations are the ones playing the music 
the public wanis to hear: the most popu- 
lar TV programs are chosen not by the 
rating services but by the people who 
tune them in. 


Norman Wain 
WHK Radio 
Cleveland, Ohio 


The following is in rebuttal of your 
recent article on the so-called "soft life” 
the women of America are leading and 
the many advantages they derive from 
retiring from the business world into the 
glamorous country-club atmosphere of 
married life: 


ATTENTIO: 
POSITIONS. AV. 


SINGLE мех 


I 


An outstanding opportunity a- 
anding opi y 
you. The only requirement 


- 
necessary is that the applicant be a 


male (по proof necessary). Listed 
below are only a few of the benefits 


receive: 
ne (365 days per year) serv- 
ant, housekeeper. gardener, nurse, 
‚ bookkeeper, cook and 


Taundress. You will receive (тес 
day with only your favorite 
erved. Clean laundry. and 
g service —special delivery 
from bathroom floor то under 


Never again will you have to pick 
up those dirty socks or scrape the 
mud off your shoes. Just 
anything anywhere it ph 
and it will be picked up 
apple-pie order and returned 10 
where you should have put it in the 
first place. A soft comfortable cl 
(usually the only one) awaits you in 
front of the TV set— you have com- 
plete authority in choosing the pro- 
grams. Snacks served at tl 
fingers. Sex pr 
d. Comes in handy in an emer- 
gency (like when your girlfriend is 
out of town). Also, available for 
stud service. No fee, 

For complete details on other 
unlisted services performed, just ob- 
serve 40.000.000. members of your 
own sex — they never had it so good. 


“Bunny Tiredia 
Oa 


L| California 


m Iversen and 
culate article. For many 
an male has been wait 
аге. A copy of this 
fine piece of writing should be in the 
hands of every full-blooded bachelor. It 
should be entitled “A Man's Manifesto” 
and distributed on every street corner 
Let us all raise our glasses high to such 
excellent exposition, May it not be too 
late for the rest of us to adopt these 
thoughts. By the way is, or should I say 
was, Mr. Iversen married 
Victor E. D. King 
Ann Arbor, Michigan 


Three cheers for Willi 
his exuremely 
years the Am 
ing for such an 


He is. 


Re Love, Death and the Hubby Image: 
T wish Vd said that. 
Mcl Foley 
Alva, Oklahoma 


FICTION FANFARE 
Ray Bradbury's The Life Work of 

Juan Diaz brought a lump to my throat 
and a threat to my complacency. It was 
red, raw realism, lighting up а dark 
comer of human. poverty troubled 
and distr id. 

Jacob Charles 

Mattapan, Massachusetts 


d E 


Theodo 
Noon Cun, cont 


on's excellent. story. 
s, I feel, the essence 
of what the hell life is all about. It em 
bodies what the existential psychologists 
аге trying to say and what the beats and 


many of us might be fleeing, fom. И was 
а superlative tile that can be appreci 


ated both 
being social 


s pure entertainment and 
исин. 
Ronald Woo 


San Francisco, California 


FOOTBALL CONFER 
1 probably am prejudiced, but 1 think 
your All-America team and squad picked 


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Viceroy’ got the taste thats right! 


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PLAYBOY 


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is very good. It is also good 
loach Parseghian picked as Coach 
of the Year, and two of our fine boys, 
Cvercko and Myers, on the first team. 
1 certainly hope your prediction comes 
true, and will follow with interest the 
progress your fine magazine is making. 
Stuart К. Holcomb, 

Athletic Director 
Northwestern Un 
Evanston, Ilinois 


versity 


The September 1963 Pigskin Preview 
analysis of the teams was exceptionally 
well done. Naturally, I am most inter- 
ested in the Southwest and I realize that 
this conference has many times reversed 
the order of pre-season p d this 
could be one of them. 

L. R. “Dutch” Meyer 
Athletic Director (Retired) 
Texas Christian University 
Fort Worth, T 


em € 
their fourth Souther 
in six years, and I pr 
e it the fifth in seven ye 
fore question Mr. Mount's statement. 
W. B. Underwood, J 

Goldsboro, North Carolina 

The point Mouni made was that while 
West Virginia would be the strongest 
team in the Southern Conference, for- 
midable outside opposition would keep 
it from having the best overall record. 


RHYME FOR A 

The limericks in the September issue 

қ ! And to top it olf Arnold 

Roth, the artist, surpassed himself by 

tery of comicillustrative 

с beauty 

Thanks to pLaynoy for tion of his 

talent; 1 hope to see much more of him 

in future issues. 

William P. Hoest 

Huntington, New York 


PHOTO FINISH 
1 will probably still be 
you receive this letter at News-Reals, 
of course, in the September issue. Hope 
you people have as much fun pu 
LAYBOY together as I have г 
Jim Kennedy 


when 


win 


On the whole I greatly enjoyed Neus- 
Reals by Gerald Gardner іп your Sep 
tember issue, but tive 
(in the modern sense of that word) and 
a Goldwater fan as well, I would like to 
comment on the gibe at the Senator on 
page 169. Т am not writing this because 
1 cannot stand a gag at Mr. Goldwater's 
expense. I, too, thought Senator Hubert 
Humphrey's crack about “18th Century 
Fox" quite funny (but then I always 


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4 Humphrey funny). My reason is 
that I believe the gibe fosters a false 
impression in two ways. 

First, I do not believe that Senator 
or any other present-day 
would really advocate 
nent of the Postal. Department. 
estion of this in the gag is mis- 
leading. Second, it 
consid our postal servic 
today if it had not been gr 
nopolized by the Government in a 
of steps ting in 1813 
almost to the. present time. 

James F. Yeager 
Yonkers, New York 


Editor-Publisher Hefner has а similar 
observation to make about the Postal 
Department іп this month's “Playboy 
Philosophy.” 


Interlandi’s caption w: 
1 think I might have said “ 
n unplayable lic” — or. 


m a 


brier 
ulphur Springs, West Virginia 


SIREN SONG 

Greatly enjoyed September's Europe's 
Ne ў Thought you might 
want to sce how one of the featured sex 


sirens, Alexandra Stewart, relaxed be- 
tween takes for New Wave film, Makes 
Your Mouth Water. 

Grenier 
ance 


Your photographic essay on Europe’s 
New Sex Sirens was the biggest letdown 
since Jayne Mansfield took oll her 
brassiere. 

Kenneth Feldman 
New York, New York 


PLAYBOY PLAUDITS 
The recent 15-cent increase per issue 


leads me 


entertainment. B: 
to condone an pansions that 
the pravsoy editors may have in mind. 
Continued success to your most excellent 
magazine. 


aces, Ontario 


Through one of the students on our 
inveduced to your fine 
a Britisher, 1 
that there is at least on 
magazine published that с: 
a whole: ind attractive man- 
. | was also ar nd yet delighted, 
that the articles carry such intellectual 
material. 1 have one criticism to make, 


iment for Men." Is there not 
you can include us ladies in 


of Southern Mississippi 


Ha M 


Ladies are always welcome aboard, 
Margaret. 


to acknowledge your splendid 
comments in September After Hours оп 
piles of ma 
mostly from people wanting liter 

ng. 
nd the New 


y is going 


to 


Comp: 


wich Vil 
Lin f Broadway 
and the New York Telephone Comp 
offices at 140 West Street, 

lord Prout spent this Labor Day 
d clothing 12 animals at Dietch's 
Zoo in Lawn, New Jersey, 
which was filmed for the Jack Paar Show. 
Huge crowds were on hand to applaud 
the sight of a Hama in а skirt, a bear in 
overalls, a camel in a jump suit and а 
goat in Bermuda shorts. Our SINA field 
workers assisting Mr. Prout had their 

ds fu 

Bruce Spencer, 
Society for Indecency to ? 
New York, New Yorl 


PLAYBACK 

It was a pleasant surprise to see the 
Missa Luba. а mass sung iu pure Congo- 
lese style, reviewed. 


published and edited by la 
duced this unusual record 
proven to be wildly popu 
already sold over 10.000 copies. It is cu. 
g Гог us to know that PLavsov 
165 good religious music. 

John Reynolds 

Jubilee 

New York, New York 


GRAHAM CRACKER 
lam a member on the Billy 
committee. 1 am writting [sic] th 


m 
letter 


| 


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TWO CLASSICS FOR MEN 


А GENTLEMAN'S 


COLOGNE 


CHANEL 


А GENTLEMAN'S, 
AFTER SHAVE 


CHANEL 


INTRODUCING A GENTLEMAN'S COLOGNE 


AND A GENTLEMAN'S 


AFTER SHAVE! 


CHAN 


lavers 


behalf of the models who 
inntul [sic] Jezebels 


of the flesh. Those s 

nd creatures of the devil. Here at the 
Billy Graham crusade we have con- 
demned your night dub of [sic] limits to 
our christian. bretherns [sic]. We have 
condemned your models to eternal hell. 
The Bible gives us the authority. W 
asking the models to think it over very 
carefully. Hell is an aweful [sie] place. 
The devil will eat the models up. 

Quite apparently the models have uo 
desire to be converted to our precious 
savoir [sc] Jesus Christ We here at the 
Billy Graham crusade have given the 
models every opportunity to to 
ad meer Jesus. Kindly tell the 
models to read the Bible every day to 
try to seck courage. The models who are 
sinutul [sie] instead of playing around 
will have to work very hard when they 
get to hell We here at th de of 
Christ cannot do anytl tthe 
models out of hell. Even our prayers in 
behalf of the models will be of no avail 
As a member of the Billy Graham сти 
ht up the 


‚аге 


heaven a 


method of the 
whe 


lvertisc their rear ends to t| 


> pul 
lic for the sake of money. It is our belief 

indeed a very shameful method of 
g [sir] a livelihood. We even prayed 
I of those Jezebels of sin. In fact 
over 50.000 thousand [sr] christ 
prayed for those sinnful [sie] creat 
We have lost all hope for your models. 
We have also condemned PLAYBOY m 
rine as unfit to read Dor any of our mem- 
bers. We have made strict rules. Anyone 
caught reading that filthy magazine will 
be barred from going to heaven. As a 
of great learning. D thowoughly 


ша 


[wc] understand women as well their 
hist 


у. It seems tha п are. shead 
g [si] their clothes as displayed. by 
your models. As an authority upon wom- 
en Lean relate many tales about women 
which would require pages. Iu іші 1 
know more about woi 
your so called. feature writers. Unques- 
tionably you will wonder what cam а 
man of God know about women. Wom 
еп are my business. As a man of God 1 
ake my livelihood oll the cre 


won 


en than any of 


alse 


me 
of sin. 

We here at the Billy Graham crusade 
for our savoir [sic] have devised a plan 
We are going to walk in [ront of the 
Playboy International Clubs with signs 
fal places. А» 
soon as our project is organized it will 
go into elect. We will show your club 
what the cross of Jesus means 

John V. Соћем 

Mmber [sic] of the Billy Graham crusade 

lor our blessed. Jesus Christ 

Los Angeles, California 

Sic. sie, sie. With you fora friend. John 
Billy Graham doesn't need enemies. 


g Чоми with these si 


PLAYBOY 


AFTER HOURS 


e of placing still more names in 

nation for our everlengthening 
list of Unlikely Couples. we've decided to 
introduce a brand-new — and we hope 
no less pleasantly pointless — parlor game 
this month. Linking names is still the 

but this time the ide 
them together into a single multislibic 
monicker of interlocking fist and last 
panics. For example: Santa Chius Fuchs. 
Billie Sol Estes Kefauver, Danny Thomas 
à Becket, Irono Walter Winchell, T. 5. 
Eliot Ness When you've whipped up a 
few of these elementary dual combina- 
tions, you'll be ready to wry your hand at 
something a bit more ambitious: 
(Meg Myles Davis. Grubb), quartets 
(John Visyan Leigh Hunt Hartford), 
quintets (Malcolm X-Ray Anthony 
George Montgomery), sextets (Beau Jack 
Bany Nebon Eddy Mbert Schweitzer), 
and so on ad absurdum. When 
as Lay as you want to go with this 
mbit, you may want to add the 
ment of a word play capper, as in Ann- 
Manger Truman Docume and Steve 
Allen Dulles Dishwater. Then you'll be 
qualificd to graduate тө the big leagues 


5 to stri 


trios 


you've 


refine- 


with such freight: 
Harold Lloyd George Washington Irving 
Berlin МИНИ, Benjamin Franklin Roose 
vel Grier Garson Kanin Able and the 
mouth-filliug Little Eva Marie Saint Paul 


in appellations as 


Douglas Dillon Thomas Mann Ray 
Charles Alas Shrugged. Happy name- 
dropping. 


Attached to а driver’sdicense-renewal 
notice friend of ours by 
Wisconsin State Motor Vehicle Depart- 
ment was the following printed not 
“de VOU DO NOT RECEIVE THIS NOTICE, LET. 


Us KNOW BY LETTER.” 


sent to а the 


What price 


ory? Ап unintentionally 


truncate Cali- 


city 


item from ihe 
fornia. Bee reports that Uy 
council recently adopted a resolution 
“commending Darka Banks for winning 
the national Miss Teenager contest. She 
тау be called before the council to be 
made. 


Fresno, 


local 


Brace yourself for this one: A headline 
in the Albuquerque, New Mexico, Trib- 
ипе 


recently aimounced: UNIVERSITY OF 


NEW MEXICO DENTAL 


CAP 


HYGIENE STUDENTS 


то ue 


кь. 


We've heard of out names for race 
horses, but this tongue twister — listed in 
the Los Angeles Herald-Examiner among 
the thoroughbreds scheduled 
Sama Anita — leads. the field by a fur 
long: ©, оош sO-lac now is TH TH TTT. 


to rice at 


The Christmas Gilt for the Man Who 
Has Everything bur à. Gaping Wound: 
А company in Woodstock, New York, 
has begun the sale of simulated injuries 
made of vinyl (ostensibly as liistaid train- 
ing devices, but. perfect for those maso- 


«ім on your Xmas list 100 chicken to 
receive the real thing). As an added 
attraction to those who are sticklers for 
detail. the manufacturer offers “blood” 
pumped through tubing to the injury 
And dest ану all-thumbs injury fancier 


he frightened off by the prospect of a 
do-it-yourself Liceration kit 
come completely assembled. 


the wounds 


Poi: nt note 
umn of the € 
ARC nic 
miss it, want it again. Call me. Darlene.” 


Irom the Personals col- 
Tennessee, 


Times it, loved it, 


Cryptic note: In the interests of keep- 
ing youngsters oll the sucess 
of St. Au Church in 


the recor 


ustine’s Bolton, 


England, has thoughtfully provided а 
local teenage social group with a quiet 
hideaway for evening club meetings and 
twist Sessions: the rectory crypt 


Our faith in the impcrishability of the 
land that is Hollywood was 
bolstered immeasurably by a 


never-never 
realestate 
ad we 
Vaiiety 

slashed 5: 
i 


glommed in a recent copy of Daily 

It ollered for sale (at a price- 
5,000): "America's most amaz- 
with such how 


g house y features as а 
waterfall: a oot, indoor outdoor pool 
with tunnel and sliding wall of glass: 
a private night club-playhousc, with a 
beach on its rool: two 201001 


Nanking dhe enuance and a gold Buddha 


statues 


im the courtyard: a harem room with 
bunks for six (eight in а pinch): and 
just to prove that it isn’t all play and 
no work in Flick City, а 50-nuest bomb 


shelter with its own wine cel 


Peace or Else Department: A British 
correspondent informs us that. London 
police have taken a dim view of the novel 
approach to pacifism espoused by a mem: 
ber of the Committee for Nuclear Dis. 
armament: He was recently arrested for 
possession of a homemade bomb. 


Unique collectors items offered for 
sale in Intiques Trader 
Frank Lloyd Wright's balls 
pair. 3 f diam, N 
$1600 the pair 


recent issue ol 


matched 


ded stained glas 


Untold Story of the Month, from the 
Personals column of New York's Village 
Voice: " Miention: Leon who lost Sylvia 
in the snowstorm please contact TR 8- 
9232 for expression of gratitude.” 


We are informed by the St. Louis Post- 
Dispatch that a crusading subcommittee 


PLAYBOY 


24 


COLE PORTER 
HAROLD ARLEN 
IRVING BERLIN 
GEORGE GERSHWIN 
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In another of his eye-opening excl 
sives, columnist Drew Pearson. recently 
addressed a New England teach 
vention, according to the Springfield, 
Massachusetts, Herald, on the subject of 
“Two Lays with Nikita Khrushchev.’ 

Our nomination for the most clo- 
quently incomprehensible example оГ 
Mad Ave jargon was delivered by an 
agency man in his candid appraisal of a 
TV dramatic script by a Hollywood wri 
friend of ours. "In. part" he told the 
author, “th not totally without merit. 


THEATER 


The idle rich who idle on the stage 
іп Jean Anouill's The Rehearsal indulge 
in a novel double standard. Infidelity 
is encouraged, but only within one’s 
own Class — in this case, the uppermost. 
The hero of this sty 
French count named Tiger (Keith 
Michell), has the heart of a hedonist, а 
tarttongued wife (Coral Browne), and 
a snooty mistress named Hortensia 
(Adrienne Corri): coumes has a 
priggish lover. Each savors the other's 
escapades (except for the prig who is 
always challenging somebody to a duel). 
In pursuit. ol still. further pleasure, the 
insatiable Tiger dallies with a hired girl, 
ginal blonde 
‚ which causes 
s to proclaim 

s mistress, 


sh exercise, а 


the 


ess, 


а gover 
nymphet (Jennifer Hilary) 
the caste-conse 
то Hortensi 
1 wouldn't let hin 
Actu: 


ly, for most of t 
to do with the 
I8th Century play about inconstancy 
that the count is staging, Tiger n 

fools of everyone — except his old sch 
chum Hero (Alan Badel). It is this boozy 
t who, in the play's most 
g scene, disillusions the maiden 
about her grand passion and docs the 
lower-case hero in. The end is sudden, 
apt, but The Rehearsal 
begins slowly, with seemingly endless 
ns on the permissiveness of the 
tunately, the main busi- 
s 
у nes out ol re. 
маа and i у, and the result is 
pane, ivor e theater. At the 
Royale, 212 West 15th Street. 


rueful and 


love — eventi ce 


The trregular Verb to Love features Clau- 
dette Colbert as а mad bomber. She 
likes lite animals and is so furious at 
furriers for skinning them that she pelts 
their shops with homemade blockbusters 
— and. usually gets caught by the cops. 
When we meet her, she has just been 


released after an cightmonth hitch in 
the pokey. Her husband (Cyril Ritchard) 
is a lawabiding curator of a 
apartment is lovingly dec- 
orated with family pictures — o. dogs. 
horses, polar bears, All this would seem 
to be material for a farce abou 
animal funny farm of a household, but 
the faun 


London 


yoo, Thei 


turns ош to be just so much 
decorative lora. The play. which ran in 
London lor a year, is really situation 
comedy. Son Andrew has brought home 
а bedmate from Europe: she is Greek, 
speaks no English, smells like a goat, 

ad is dressed in what looks like an old 


rug. Daughter Lucy got herself 
pregnant and doesn’t want to marry the 
man because she thinks he doesn't want 


to marry her. Mother starts to muddle, 
proving in her children's eyes to be not 
only а mad bomber but a bad momma. 
Ritchard, who directed, stands to one 
side uying to be civilized. He doesn’t 
have many lines, but he makes the most 
of the good ones, and the least of the 
bad ones. For a last cu authors 
Hugh aud. Margaret Willi у 
remember the explosives and blow off а 
blast in Miss Colbert's powder room. 
This shakes up the stage, but it is too 
late 10 wake up the play. At the Ethel 
Barrymore, 243 West 47th Street. 


MOVIES 


‘There may be an eclectic Eskimo or 
simple Bushman who docs yet 
know that Jean Ki witty woman 
but the rest of us have been gratefully 
broken up some time or other by Kerr 
cracks. Mary, Mery, her supersmush, is 
less а play than a playground for her 
pleasantries and. pungent un pleasantries, 


not 


and screen adapter Richard L. Breen 
has wisely kept out of the way so that, 
more or less, we get the original script 


on film. But director Mervyn LeRoy and 
film e 
so unobtrusive. Some pay-off line 
stifled by the staging or the oning 
Example: "This man writes like a sick 
(Cut from one shot of Mary to another) 
cM." What line could lick that kind of 
treatment? Still, as the picture pro 
gresses. the laughs crackle out of this 
chronicle of how the visit of a head 
strong young divorcée to her publisher 
ex-husband to settle some tax matters 
results. in his renunciation of a new 
fancée and their Wee 
Debbie Reynolds is somewhat short on 
high-comedy technique; she wrestles with 
Mary whereas Barry Nelson, who played 
the husband on Broadway, has 
a hall Nelson on his parc. Hiram 
is a quiet, drolly poly lawyer, 
el Rennie has moderate con 
mpetence as ihe mature menace. 


or David Wages have not been 


more 


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Rod Taylor, an Aussie businessman, has 5 жадын 

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Welles, a movie producer, has to get out 
ind by midnight for tax reasons; 
t Rutherford, a duchess, has to 
get to a Miami job in order to save her 
ancestral home, Drama piles upon drama 
until it reaches minuscule heights. Ter 
ence (Winslow Boy) Rattigan has filled 
his screenplay with velour vi 
Anthony Asquith has directed 
thousand movie-type movies in his head. 
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29 


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Carol. Lynley's career sips along, but 
not far. from The Cardinal to а comedy 
led Under the Yum Yum Tree, based on 


the Broadway show of the same name. 
This is the strained story of a California 
colle; 


girl who decides to live with her 
boyfriend without sleeping with him — 
you know, so they can test their com- 
patibility without doing anything that 
Mummy Wouldwt Like, And if you 
think Car's a gimerack gimmick, hear 
this: The apartment they get is in a 
building owned by а thinyish bachelor 
who rents flats cheap то chicks, then 
takes out the difference in dalliance 
Said landlord sizzles when he spies the 
coed and trics to capi 


lize on the situa- 
tion: the one almost redeeming feature 
is the casting of Jack Lemmon as the 
landlord. He is so fine a farceur that he 
makes even bits of this boredom be; 
able, but who chooses his scripts for him? 


Imogene Coca (а good comedienne) and 
Edie Adams (a fair comedienne) 


appear 
аз а housekeeper and an aunt, respec- 
tively: and there is a star. performance 
put in by the bachelor's predatory pad. 
But all the Technicolor jack. along with 
the talented Jack. is wasted under the 
ho-hum tree 


Remember the old chestnut about the 
man who is advised to make love to his 
wife every night for a year in order to 
Kill her ой? After 10 months, shriveled 
in a wheelchair. he points a palsicd finge 
at his blossoming spouse and croaks: “See 
that woman? She has two months more 
to Transported to Italy, thats the 
hasis of The Conjugal Bed, and since there's 
some bitter truth in the old joke, th 
bitter fun in the film. Ugo Togn 
never seen here before, quickly shows 
why he is one of Indy's leading “average 
қау” actors. He plays a successful Roman 
houlcvardier and car salesman of 40 who 
marriesa saintly young girl aud soon finds 
that religion is not her only devotion 
When he takes to working late at thc 
осе in self-defense, she follows him— 
to try out the office sofa, When he re- 
treats to а monastery for a week's recov- 
ery, she's w 


ive. 


g at the door imd, on the 
way home, taunts him into a little road. 
side picnic. After he finally produces the 
baby that proves he's still a man, he 
thinks she will give him a rest: but th 
poor guy ends up in his grave. And 
ther hint that she's mov 
The death is out of 
key with the film's rueful ribbing of the 
Geritol set, and Marina Vlady comes ou 
as а moon-faced maid who dosn't sug- 
gest lethal lust: still The Conjugal Bed 
has a good deal of bounce two it 


5 а dosin 


on to his partne 


In the French Style, adapted by Irwin 
Shaw from two of his own stories, 1s 


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31 


PLAYBOY 


French style. This tale of a nice Am 
can girl (Jean Seberg) who goes to Paris Persian Mar 


Hits/Sammy Davis Је. (Reprise). In а 
ct, And This Is My Beloved, 


H j | to paint and who stays to paint the town nd Stand Up and Fight ave too weak 
| 0 ! 16 | | as well — steeped in sophisticated his іш their original forms to be anybody's 
Н { | tesse, but Shaw's message swims its w cup of tea, and no matter how hard he 
Н 1 TA k ae! j| through the tears: bohemian high lile, tries, Sammy just cart heat them up. 
| Nees nees: f| he tells us, is fine for those engaged іп Its а pity because Из АП Right with 
f j creative — or t least absorbing — oc Me, That Old Black Magic, Both of 
1| cupations, which Seberg is not. In a few the Blues, and the rest Grade A 

i | vears, she finds herself being more used Davis. М 
than useful, so, after a particularly shat- pe sensuous tonal richness of the 


tering lov ıt још: 
тайы, she closes her Left Bank account. 
and marries an Am doctor with 
sincere bedside nem. Writer-pro- 
ducer Shaw rejoiced that he and di- 
rector Robert Parrish (who coproduced) 
could at last make a picture free ol 
front-ollice finagling; they have succeeded 
fairly well — despite an adultscap-oper- 
atic script and some uneven acting (the 
best of which by far is turned in by 
Seberg). 


works of Richard Strauss is brilliantly 
underlined in the performance, by the 
Boston Symphony Orchestra, under the 

on of Erich Leinsdorf, of Strauss’ 
in Heldenleben (Victor) The зойгін 
peaks of sound produced by the or 
chestra will test the temper of your hi-fi 
rig — the output should be worthy of 
whats going into i 


Vince Guaraldi "In Porson" (Fantas 
cores the pianist who scored so he; 
with his Cast Your Fate to the Wind. 
Here, with rhythm, Vince casts a fresh 


the 20's, that rem 
tory expression that 


ight be paraphrased in the Е DINGS Sra сей, DEE 
vernacular of the 60's as е RECOR сус on jazz standards auch тсе Dol- 
most! These two modes of е: phin Street and Jitterbug Walls, runs 
pression hive nothing in com through a group of Latin lilts, and, all 


А pair of nonpareil jazz practitioners іп all, appears to be enjoying himself as 
get together on Ella and Basie! (Verve) much as we're sure the listener will. 
and the results are exactly as one would . 

expect them to be — splendid. Although —— Herewith, a premiumssize packet of 
Ella and the big Basie sound are com- piano LPs covering the creative spec 
pletely compatible, our favorite tracks trum. Erroll Garner/One World Concert (Re 
find Miss Fitz in the select surroundings prise) was recorded at the Seattle World's 
of the Count and a asas City Seven- Fair and filled with the Niagara of 


mon. But—20's or 60's—there's 
опе cocktail that’s common to 
the cognoscenti and connois- 
of both eras. Today 
rone days—everybody's 
ir about that bonanza of 
the bar: The Stinger. 


The Stinger: 19 ог. brandy, 


1% oz. Cointreau White size group as they do Them There notes that mark Garner's musical signa- 
Creme de d Dream а Little Dream of Ме, both іше. Performing with bass and drums, 

Menthe. Shake fice and easy offerings. The orches Erroll bounds or glides through such as 

tions are by Quincy Jones. The Way You Look Tonight, Sweet and 

P Lovely. Lover Come Back to Me, and 

Eddie Costa: Memorial Concert (Colpix), а — (surprise!) Misty. Surrounded by Billy 


tribute to the late pianistvibist recorded May's orchestra, The Piano Witchcraft of 
ЫЕ, York's quse Сис. isa ішіне су Coleman (Capitol) | " 
musical farewell. Side one by the Clark ji а plush setting. Our of the twelve 


Ferry Quartet features the crack. trum- ч 
Try Quartet features the crack rum- tunes, Coleman conjures up seven of 


present-day cock- 
made with Cordials by 
Cointr 


Side Car or the White I peters own The Simple Waliz and Mer pi o б. E 
For other fascinating food cer-Ellington's Things Ain't What They JS OWN compositions теин i 
drink recipes for c Best 15 Yet to Come, and, understand- 


Used to Be (with trombonist Willie Den. Дем 4 DL о Coes aul, мым шк 
wis. Terry was never more eloquent, 3Y enough, ТҮйсістар. Wight Troin: 


The Coleman Hawkins Sextet takes over 186 Omer Peterson Trio (Verve) features 
on side two with im Confessin' and Just Peterson, Brown and Thi 


the 
free copy of “€ 
to Dept.64 


te for your. 
sourmet’s Guide” 


Cointreau Ltd.,Penningto Vou, Fort dike which the diving. blucs-tinged mood. The blues 
Ез о put in his hip pocket. make for happy listening: we rarely have 
fi heard the 


oup so up lor a session. 
Buddy Greco Sings for Intimate Moments This LP rates Oscar an Oscar, One of 
(Epic) is Buddy at his tastefully relaxed Celluloid city's most cic 
best. He's accompanied by a first-rate turns his attentions to the movies’ 
imental group = Bud Shank, Shelly cil treats in André Previn іп Hollywood 
Barney Kessel, Joe Mondragon, (Columbia). Previn’s own melodies 

е Grusin who also leads a vocal Пот rma la Douce and Two for the 
contingent called the Enchanted Voices. Seesaw аге part of a prestigious parcel 
гі g group is good in spite of that includes Gigi, Laura, The Last 
its name, and with Greco. roamin’ Time I Saw Paris and H Might Ах 
through the likes of Desafinado, |) Ever Well Be Spring. Johnny Williams has 
1 Would Leave You, Moon River, and charted the proceedings. An elder 
This Is All 1 Ask, the output is strictly statesman of modern jazz and а piano 
optimum, an for all seasons is yours for the 
. listening on Thelonious Monk / Criss-Cross 

We're afraid that someone has slipped (Columbia). The Monk. who is 
some leaden bars into A Treasury of Golden some respite [rom his solo labors by 


tive 


* sing 


treau, 501080 proof. 


| 


“You're not a bright young lawyer to me, dear... you're Gung Ho" 


You have too much brawn to be trapped in this stodgy grey flannel world, John. 

You belong with the giants. | can see you tramping through the steaming jungle. 
Sharp-eyed. Fierce. The Iron Man. You are adventure, John. You're not dried up and dull like 

other men. Secretly, that's why | buy you Van Heusen 417 shirts. They match the 
glint in your eye. Van Heusen's tapered fit is twenty years younger than all those bunchy 

middle aged shirts. In fact, Mr. Barrister, when you wear Van Heusen 417 

you make Fergeson vs. McGee look like just another lion in the bush. Pow. 


VAN Ч Е Ш 5 ЕЕ РЧ атут 
younger by design 


s Van Heusen Corp, 


SWING ALONG WITH SANTA — 


GIVE PLAYBOY FOR CHRISTMAS 


WHAT PLAYBOY DOES FOR A MAN: YEARLONG CELEBRATION. 


SAUCY SNOW BELLE 


SPEGIAL GIFT-GIVING RATES. 
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PLAYBOY 232 East Ohio Street, Chicago, Illinois 60611 | my name 


SEND Send to: ê 0 
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signature - Jw — 
THIS CHRISTMAS! | «v. state zip code  — Û rj ENTER or ГІ RENEW my own subscription 
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Ronson introduces a butane lighter as slim as the cigarette it lights. 


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tenor man Charlie Rouse, 
quartet through singularly 


originals interspersed with a couple of 
well-cooked chestnuts, Tea for Two and 
Don't Blame Ме. 


For Swingers Only/Loroz Alexandria (Argo) 
showcase for a songstress 
rper audience. Lorez, 
roup of Chicagoans 
featuring flutist Ronald Wilson, offers 
ms, including such esti 
mable ever s as Rallimore Oriole, 
Little Girl Blue, and All or Nothing at 
All. 


Pleasant listening, albeit lightweight 
jazz, is to be found in abundance on The 
Most Beautiful Horn in the World, Bobby 
Hackett, Plays the Great Music of Henry Man- 
cini (Epic). Hackett's cornet is, of course, 
as flawless as ever, and his flights of fancy 
through the Mancini library touch down 
on the themes fro: Mr. Lucky and 
Petey Gunn, Days of Wine and Roses, 
several Halari! tunes and. Moon River, 
If the session is not memorable, it is 
certainly mellifluous. 


‘There's a bluesy batch of ballads оп 
haud. This One's for Ме / батйа Jo 
(Mercury). ked bv a band charted 


by Billy Byers and Al Cohn, and con- 


ducted by Byers and Quincy Jones, 
imita Jo tecs off the session with an 
ace, In the Dark, a jazz Classic that 


doesn't get the play it warrants, Further 
along, and almost equally enjoyable, 
ave ГИ Be Around, Everybody's Some- 
body's Fool aud А Good Man 15 Hard 
to Find. 


Аз a special Xmas aural delight, may 
we recommend Christmas in the Congo 
(Philips), a collection of European and 
Congolese melodies performed by Les 
Troubadours du Roi Baudouin. The 
Miricin rhythms and rich native voice 
provide a unique approach to the cele- 
bration of the birth of Christ. 


Impressions of Cleopatra / Paul Horn (Co- 
lumbia) can only offer the sensuous 
sounds of Paul Horns flute and biss 
flute, but that should sulfice for jazzo- 
philes. The me ines of the movie 
may not match its еріс visual. propor- 
tions, but Horn, vibist Emil Richards, 
pianist Victor Feldman and rhythm give 


Cleo a high degree of musical class. 


xlic 


Sassy Swings the Tivoli (Mercury) is a 
live record made during Sarah 
Vaughan's stint at Copenhagen's famed 
Tivoli Gardens. And from Sarah's open- 


ing Won't You Come Home Bill Bailey, 
Miss Vaugh 


where an turns a couple of 
bloopers into funny pieces of business, 
right on through the closing / Cried 
for You, Sassy is loose and the audience 
loves it. We did, too, duc in no small 


measure to the backyrounding of omni- 
conductor Quincy Jor 


Antonio Carles Jobim, the Composer of 
“Desafinado,” Plays (Verve) very well, in 
deed, а dozen of his own tunes. includin; 
Desafinado and One Note. Samba, with 
a piano style that is both lean and pro- 


vocative, Leo Wright and trombonist 
Jimny Cleveland contribute th 

on occasion, The arr m 

ıs Ogerman are moody and com 
pletely apropos. 


A most pleasant stroll down memory 
lane is Sinatra's Sinatra (Reprise), wherein 
Frank echoes some of his past hits. With 
Nelson Riddle’s orchestra for com] 
and such gems as Ive Gol You Under 
My Skin, In the Wee Small Hows of 
the Morning, Witchcraft and. Put Your 
Dreams Away on the agenda, The 
Chairman is in his finest vocal feule. 


BOOKS 


Alter a Tong lapse into the novel, Ber 
nard Makimud again gives us а book 
of both amusing and compassionate sto- 
Tics, Idiots First (Farrar, Straus, 54.50). 
Four of the pieces are set in Italy, four 
© about the life of Jews in New York: 
these, the other 

scene from а play 
Malamud's double 


three stories and tl 


1 progress all show 
It for fantastic hu- 
mor and for re-cre: the hidden grind 
of private unhappiness. Still Life, the 
story of an inept seduction, begins as a 
shrewdly funny portrait of two young 
painters, touches the reader with the 
confusion and frustration, and ends as 
а wild comedy of crossed sexual and re- 
ligious fervor. Also involving a painter 
Naked Nude, which ran ін PLAYBOY last 
August and concerns an impove 
patr awash among the lalrinas of 
Milano, who, forced into an art swindle, 
dauntlessly double-crosses his fellow con- 
spiratais. The German Refugee is pure 
reminiscence, pure portraiture, This is 
Malamud’s greatest power, the making of 
portraits that smell at once of life and 
imagination; unfortunately, sometimes 
he seems not to know where 10 go once 
the central figure or situation has been 
drawn, The failures of the volume are 
the forced or inconclusive endings of 
some of the stories. The Death of Me, 
for example, is about an Italian tailor 
ıd a Polish presser whose feud. finally 
causes the death of their boss in a scene 
melodrama that docs. not 
carry the symbolic weight the author 
seems to assign to it. 4 Choice of Pro- 
fession is a subtle account of the col- 
lapse of love between a teacher and а 
student he discovers is a former prosti- 
tute; but it tails oll disappointingly 


ished ез 


of arbitrary 


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PLAYBOY 


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Dept. P, Brookhaven, Miss. 


of these occasio 
sh story keeps on 
xuthior's voice 
onic atu 
тїз prose is accurate 
nother of the modes 
ke Idiots First 


at the end. In spi 
Lapses rhous 
listening for more af the 
but cle 


s pam 


The growing number of disciples of 
the dru allucinog: 1 
cipally mescaline, LSD and psilocybin — 
see rravmov's three part take-out on 
them last month) continue to tell the un 
initiated that the experience produced 
substances is impossible to ex 
1 mere human 
they try to explain i 
ion is acknowledged 
duction to Man Watts’ 
Cosmology (Pantheon. 55) by 
Harvard. psychologists. “Timothy 
id Richard Alpert: “The Joyous Сох 
mology 1 mt arrangement of 
experiences for which 
our language Пах по vocabul. Mr. 
Wans is emivendy qualified for. this 
challenging task. for he is the principal 
Western popularizer mys 

ism. His book, subt entures 
of Consciousness." is a 
(91 pases) ramble through the 
psyche under hallu 


as 


words describi 


10 those 
he Doors 


= quite 
by Aldous Huxley 
‘ption. such g indoors 
find th; I the furniture is alive 
(owe have time to look at 
become timeless.” When V 
attempts ло express profound 
the reader can sense his fru 
the ions of ordinary Language: 
"Life seems to r 
tiny germ or 

the Ee E 
is in fact no adequate voca 
expressing these chemical-myst ex- 
periences but V it one of the 
һем tries to date. 


ts gi 


In Corporations 
54.50), Richard Austin Smith tells how 
seven large corpor 
businesses without even trying. It is a 
breezy study in managerial ineptitude. 
With litle compassion for the high 
h tells why 

n it was se 
g steel pri 
тї Hughes” leadership 
D RKO (He never visited the 
place, despite its piling up 520.000.000 
mies drop- 
eres product 


ıs botched th 


and why the executives of G 
tric ре ited themselves to. bec 
volved in the recent pric 
Smith delves into the causes of 


fixing 


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Gathered here are some of 
the world's most entertaining 
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PLAYBOY 


ious 


corporate crisis and, with the ol 
advantage of hindsight, does not hesitate 
to name the guilty parties. Most of the 
woubles, says Smith “are the result of 


years of procrastination, of unwilling- 
ness to face up to mistakes.” This book 
of horror should be read by all 


executives who think their companies 
are doing just fine. 

David Cort, novelist, onetime Life for- 
| editor, and essayist extraor 
can be counted upon to find something 
fresh to say about anything he chooses to 
write on —and he chooses to write on 
ctically anything. His latest collection, 


les his observations on priso 
ades, on dog lovers, bank robbers and 
s, on crossword puzzles, cig- 
tte ads and Marie Antoinette’s di: 
mond necklace. To describe his technique 
to beg the issue. Here he is on womer 
<- The typical woman progresses from 
the gentle, sentimental barbarian to the 
breeder monopolist to the clubwoman 
and so back through the phyla, perhaps 
as lar as the black widow spider." On 
women's sex lives: “A few аге as potent 
at the age of 20 as the best men. Some are 
absolutely frigid into the 30s, and then. 
come alive, with mixed feelings. Some 
rt slow, have a mild heyday and firmly 
ndon sex in their 40s. Most spend 
their lives kidding their husbands.” On 
reducing faddist 
ism ... is a philosophical, sociological 
and dietary disaster. To tell anybody to 
drink only skimmed milk is a dirty, rot- 
ten trick." On millionaires: “. . . As we 
alize that a healthy ecology needs 
its predators, its wolves, lions and hawks, 
so too the financial community needs the 
elimination of its weak, sick and sloppy 
members, before their errors become ері- 
demic. The mi the 
forests of the night with his suspicious, 
appraising, sour look, is glad to do the 
job. God, as if he needed Him, bless 


“This pompous sad 


now re 


him!" It is for such fare that knowledge 
able 15 pay court to Cort 


Love makes the words go round, and 
two new anthologies have a sumptuous 
share of them, Erotic Poetry, edited by 
William Cole (Random House, $8.95), is 
mplest anthology of its kind we've 
seen —full of love. lilt, Laughter, 
lechery and life. Cole has culled contribu- 
the oldest Greeks to the 
newest Ami from the Zenniest 
East to the zaniest West, and the result 
is steful collection that celebrates 
the joy of being a man with a woman 
and vice, you should pardon the pun, 


ions fra 


versa, (Stephen Spenders introduction 
sets the civilized tone for these 
to the primal u 


are subtl 


ans 
.) Some of the poems 
‚ some pull no punches. ет: 
helping of Robert Burns 
ads, including Tommie Makes 


My Tail Toddle: various odes — wistful, 
proud. angry — addressed to the relevant 
portion of the male ai Robert 
Graves, Y 
lads and modern blues, D. Н. Lawrence 
and Lawrence Durrell, Kingsley Amis 
nd the ubiquitous Anonymous, This an- 
thology is а rich ribald romp. In one of 
those coincidences that periodically 
plague publishers, Louis Unterme 
veteran versifier, has produced an anthol- 
ogy ed Treasury of Ero! 
ial, 57.50), which has more 
terest than Cole's book. Unt 
ncludes nice, naughty transla 
"s of Greeks, Romans, Frenchmen 
and Germans, some of them done by 
himself; and he has come up with such 
curiosities as On а Young Lady's Going 
into a Shower Bath, by the author of 
The Star-Spangled Banner. But his book 
is marred by too much of the too famil 
iar (Song of Songs, Chaucer), by folk 
songs that are dull without music, and 
by many introductory pages containing 
only a few lines each 10 pad out the 
book. И it’s erotica. you're prospecti 
for, the Cole mine has the richer vein. 


Jt is estimated that the ave 
scious Ameri 


ңе con- 
п is exposed to 100 to 


1600 advertisements cach day; they 
constitute a sort of Van Allen belt of 
threats and panaceas encirding ош 


continen 


If some portion of the fallout 
from all this shows evidence of rational, 


atement of ownership, 
culation. 1, Date of filing: October 1, 1963, 
2 Title of publication: euavaoy. 3. Frequency. 
issue: Monthly. 4. Location of ki 
‘of publication: 232 E. Оһо St. Ch 
County. Ш. 60611. 5. Location of the head- 
rs or general business olfices of the pub 
232 Е. Ohio St. Chicazo. M. 6061 
dresses of her. editor, 
Publi nd Editor, 
232 Е. Ohio 5t.. Chicago. 
Jack J. Кеме. 300 N 
State St. С . 7. Owner: HMH Pub- 
Ishing Co.. E. Ohio St.. € 
һе names and addresses of мос} 
ing or holding 


nagement and cir- 


Hugh M. Hefner 
IN; Managing Editor 


land, Chica 
Ohio St. 


йо. 532 


of bonds other securities: None. 
h issue during pre- 
A. Tutal no. copies printed. 
B. Paid circulation. (1) To 


10, Average no. copies © 
ceding 12 


mths: 


ribers by ier delivery ur by other 
means, 408.331, (2) Sales through agents, news 
er otherwise, 1317015: C. Free dis- 


rrier deliv 
‘otal mo. of 
S40. Single sue nearest то, 
A. Total wo. copies printed, 2.159.354 
В. Paid circulation, (1) To term subscribers by 
anier delivery or by other 


у. or by other 


1 
istributed, 2.067,- 
тиз made һу 
Robert 5 


ify that the staten 
erect and complete. 


grown-up minds at work, we a 
debted as much to. David Ogilvy 
any advertising man now operating, Мі 
Ogilvy has made his million in th 
course of demonstrating that advertisers 
can use good sense and good taste at 


least as successfully as the gibberish 
that so frequently dominates their com 
municuions with the outside world 


is no small achievement. It is un 
ate that he didn't choose to have 
someone else tell us about it. He peoples 
the pages of his Confessions of ап Advertis- 
ing Men (Atheneum, $4.95) with an ad 
mirable collection of Oxford dons 
poets, prime ministers. copywriters 
blood royalty and princes of commerce, 
But his favorite ch 
doubt. The first-pei r pronoun 
dominates the book. Where he lists his 
suggestions for preparing better adver 
vs credentials and profes 
cannot be faulted. There are 
ny on Madison Avenue who could 
profit from his specific advice about writ 
ing copy, designing layouts and prep 
ing TV commercials. For the lay reade 
however. David Ogilvys collection. of 
do's and dons is likely to prove weari 
some. The Schweppervescence is ther 
but somehow those curiously refreshir 
little bubbles just don't last long enough. 

When President. Kennedy summon 
some of the best minds of his alma ma 
to Washington to advise and help form 
the nucleus of the Administration, he 
neglected to issue the call of public 
service to former Harvard man Norman 
Mailer. Mr. Mailer has generously soug! 
to repair the omission with Presidential 
Papers (Putnam, $5) "written fo the Presi- 


er in 


er 


dem, for him” by "a court wit, an 
amateur advisor.” This is the excuse for 
the publication of the st azine 
pieces, poems, letters and dialogs (in- 


cluding his debate with William Buckle 
Jr. which appeared in. rıavsoy 
y and February 1963) di 
accumulated since the list such compe: 
dium was published in 1959 as Advertise- 


ments for Myself. Bu Mailer really 
needs no such excuse, for his obser 
vations on such assorted subjects is 
Castro, Sonny Liston, the 


] punishment and 
often. be wild and 
egomaniacal but. never suller from the 
sin of dullness, His pose is oft 
(One thought of « 
few writers in the county 
Mailer like a milled maton when 
lamenting Jackie Kennedy's refusal of 
iew), but when the hot machine 
in full gear, the 
atch him, in just 
‚ winding shimmer- 


a am- 
noying ЕТІ 


of the 


s onc 


prose gets goin 
spectacle is brillian 
one hunk of a gie 
ing sentence describing the 
10 the 1060 Democratie convention 
“there in the Gallery of the Bil 
that huge depressing alley with its in- 


If Richard 1 
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gone around the place 
screaming at the top of 
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42 


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imitable hotel color, that faded depth 
of chiaroscuro which unhappily has no 
depth, that brown which is not а brown, 
that gray which has no pearl in it, that 
color which can be described only as 


hotel color because the beiges, tans. the 
walnuts. the mahoganies. the dull blood 
the moaning yellows, the sick 


cens. all those dumb browns 
erge into that lack of color which is 
иңе hotel at convention 
all the small-towners wearing the 
sel ched faces. that look they get at 
carnival, all fever and suspicion, and 
proud to be there..." And we wonder 
how the President he pretends lo be 
addressing in these papers will take be 
ig described as "brave but politically 
neuter, adept at obtaining power and a 
miser at spending it. an intellectual with 
mind like a newspaper's yearbook, and 
blank, somewhat stricken. expression 


pout the eyes, a numbed mind seems 
10 speak behind them 
Grove Press continues. йз campaign 


to get good gamy books off the banned 
gon. Mur Lady Chatterleys Lover 
1 Miller's Tropics. they come on very 
strong with a big one-volume edition 
ol all five volumes of Frank Harris. My 
Ше and Loves (Grove Press, 512.50), а 
work that’s enjoyed more notoriety than 
readership, hitherto available only 

vious eviscerated versions. John F. Gal- 
her, who introduced and annotated it, 
has gone to typescript sources and Harris 
own copies and has come up with the full, 
freewheeling Ше of the ditor 
amorist who did absolutely nothing in 
a small way. Harris, а pioneer sex sc 
describes his lovelife down through the 
busy, busy years with detail aud delight, 
h he was well over 70 when rem 
(So he exaggerates a little, 
Who doesn't) His sexual safari was only 
one of his careers; his other lives were 
at Teast as active. Born in Ireland (18 
he rau away to America at 15 
construction. worker on the Brooklyn 
Bridge, а hotel clerk in Chicago, а cow- 
boy on caule drives, a member of the 
Kansas bar; grew restless and circled the 
globe, studied. at Heidelberg, amd be- 
came editor of a London daily at 28. Не 
went on to edit various magazine: 
duding onc for which he hired Bert 
tic and H. G. Wells 
as literary critic. He met and/or Кис 
among hundreds of celebrities — Whit- 
Harte, Zola, De Maupassant. 
Mars, Gladstone, the then Prince of 
Wales, Wagner, Cecil Rhodes, Henry 
James, Comad, Ruskin, and Oscar 
Wilde. He died id bitter 
The last two sections of the autobiog 
raphy show 
but the whole work is a f 
ful of intellectual and pl 


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THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 


V would like your opinion on a unique 
experience. Recently, I had a blind date 
with a divorcée, arranged through a mu- 
tual friend. As 1 was taking her home — 
an evening of wit dining and 
icing — she informed me that 1 would 
have to pay her baby sitter. 1 felt justi 
fied in mof paying the sitter. but she 


didn’t sec it my way. She said that if E 
y 


was to have the pleasure of her comp: 
T should be prepared to cover all e 
penses. 1 finally agreed to pay half the 
sitter's fee, but I was damned displeased. 
Do you think that my companion's de- 
mand was proper? — H. F., Dallas, Тех: 
No, her demand wasn't. proper, but 
neither was your haggling with her over 
the few dollars it must have cost to pay 
the sitter. What you should have done 
was tell your date before the evening 
started that you were going to take care 
of the sitting fee. The lady’s officions 
attitude might have given you good cause 
to scratch her off your date list, but that 
in по way should have precluded your 
acting like a gentleman and not like a 
penny-pinching clod. 


Witt aspirin in Coca-cota knock out 
the drinker? — С. L., Memphis, Tenn 
see. 

No, but it will help cure a headache 
if he has one. 


Vs it considered an affectation to wear 
glasses in the city during any but the 
im ner months? The sun's glare off side 
ks and snow bugs me, but ГЇЇ shed 


“ 
the shades if you say so.—B. G., Chi- 
cago, Hlino: 

Let there be less light, by all means, 
and don't be concerned aboul the season. 
But avoid oddball shapes апа shades 
of shades. 


оир of guys in the office on the 
same executive level have lunch together 
There are six of us and it 
ted by one 
n open invitation 
nch extended to everybody. What 
t is that Т occasionally 
don't feel like lunching with a full crew 
— after a while, you get to feel as though 
you Га like to 
break this thing down into small 
groups, but don't quite know how to go 
pout it. I don't want to slight anyone, 
yet I think I'd feel silly making the sug- 
ion abour diversification to the 
oup. What's the best way out? — S. H., 
adelphia, Pennsylv 

We suggest you take your dilemma by 
the horns and slart asking one of your 
associates at a time to join you for lunch. 


€ at а board meeti 


Pick out restaurants that are a bit off 
the beaten track, so there'll be little 
chance of bumping into the rest of the 
group. This should make the fact that 
you don't dig the mass mess as S.O.P. 
clear enough to the others. 


[| am S1 years old and divorced. 1 
1 18-year-old. girl for 
several months and we had fallen in 
love. but her father disapproved and 
ped her out of town to forget me. 
This ouly served to reinforce our feel- 
ings and now we are determined to get 
married. If we do, can her father do 
anything to legally separate us? — M. ]., 
g alifornia. 

You'll have to ask an attorney what 
her dad can legally do to keep you and 
your girl apart, but at the moment it 
sounds as if he's doing all he can to push 
you two together. If you wed his darling 
daughler simply to defy him — which 
you say you're “determined” to do — all 
three of you could wind up losers. 


МУ... do you people h nst bow 
ties? D never see them your fashion 
-outs. I like to wear them, but you 
winning to make me feel like a square. 
— A. B., Providence, Rhode Island. 
There's nothing wrong with bow ties 
if the patterns and fabrics are tasteful. 
However, most men (and we are among 
them) feel that a regular necktie is more 
flattering than a bow, since the latter has 
а tendency to make the face look fuller. 
Clip-ons are another matter altogether 
— they're strictly for Celluloid collars. 


d been dating a 


lewood,, 


Ваала киат 
before money problems at home made 
me quit and go to work. That was years 
ago, and Uve done fairly well since then. 
So well, in fact, that I'm now moving 
in a social circle made up almost com- 
pletely of college grads. 1 bow to no 
m n 
1 feel like a low-grade moron when 
the conversation starts flying way over 
my head. 1 don't have the time, what 
with long hours at the plant and go- 
ing over reports afterward. to pick up 
tion at home, so Fm really 
stumped. 1 don't want to tumn antisocial, 
but Û also hate to play the village idiot. 
It's not that anyone looks down his nose 
at me: it’s just that Z know Fm not w 
. Whats my next move, if any? — 
3. P... Cincinnati. Ohio. 

If, as you say, your friends seem to be 
accepting you for what you are, why try 
to be anything else? You sound like your 


in business matters, but some s 


an ed 


THAT MAN 


He has the will and where- 
withal to do as he pleases. 
When he talks, men uncon- 
sciously hunch forward to 
listen. When he looks at a 
woman, she feels all woman. 
You may admire him; resent 
him. But no one can be indif- 
ferent to him. 


His cologne and personal 
grooming accessories ате 
"That Man’ by Revlon. 
A lusty tang of lemon, 
tabac and amber ... as 
diferent from others as 
That Man is from the 
run of men. 


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own worst enemy. Whatever you do, 
don't try to fake it intellectually: the 
inevitable faux pas will brand you as a 
phony. Keep your conversational sam 
bils confined to the things you know. be 
an attentive listener, and don't be арай 
to ask for an amplification of anything 
you might find unfamiliar. Your big 
problem will be in getting that inferior 
ity-complex monkey off your back. You 
should literally make the time ағай! 
able for night school or, at the least 
some form of additional education 
Life is more than just “long hours at 
the plant and going over reports afler- 
ward,” and while your industry ік to 
be commended, your itch for a broader 
education is a positive one that should 
be scratched. Н will make you a happier 
more complete individual, and of 
greater value to your company in the 
long run as well. 


МУ. are three gi 


Two of us are i 


Is with a problem. 
d the third. 


ing and fun, and we have no trou 
getting dates. But, how do we say 
that certa 


man with a man's needs" that we 
often find ourselves dating fellows who 
we know won't give us any trouble but 
who are often less fun than the ones who 
are more our type but are also more 
demanding. What to do? — A. C., L. H., 
and M. Le San Francisco, California, 

The best way to say no to “that 
certain question” is simply lo say “No” 
—and if pressed for a reason, to give 
the most honest explanation you сап: 
that you prefer to reserve sexual inti 
macy for someone with whom you are 
in love or to whom you are married — 
whichever happens to be the case 
that casual sex (or sex outside of mar- 
riage) iy against your personal movalities 
or your religious beliefs. 

Unfortunately, we сап supply no 
similar solution lo the other part of your 
problem: the fact that the теп who are 
most your “type” and with whom you 
have the most fun are also the ones 
who prove to be the most "demanding. 
This inconsistency of attitude suggests 
that your feelings about sex may be [ess 
а matter of personal convictions than a 
point of view established for you by 
others when you were young. 

Fach of you will have to decide [or 
herself whether this point of view on 
sex із really important enough to allow it 
fo limit your social life to men in whom, 
you indicate, you have less interest. As 
long as you hold your present attitude 
on sex. it is consistent to date the less 
"demanding" men, since to do other 
wise duris your personal lives into a 
constant battle, in which sex can. truly 
be equated, in your minds, with 
“trouble.” 


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47 


PLAYBOY 


48 


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پم ت CENE,‏ 


We ofer this additional thought, 
however: the answer to the problem 
need not lie al either. extreme — indis- 
criminate promiscuity or а complete 
rejection of sex. Religious taboos aside, 
it is a perfectly natural and healthy 
thing for women to have some sex life 
prior to marriage and the tradition that 
places such stress on female “virginity” 
is more conducive ta frustration and 
suffering than anything else. 


Thro friends and 1 are going on a long 
hunting weekend in the woods of M 
The cabin we'll be staying in а small 
stove, but no refrigerator. What pro- 
visions would you suggest we take with 
us that will provide simple-to-prepare, 
Naturally, we hope to sup- 
plement our menu with fresh game, but 
on the chance that we dr complete 
blank in that departm 
have something besides canned pork-and- 
beans to fall back on. Any tips? — L. B., 
New York, New Yor 

No problem — just visit a fine gourmet 
shop (Charles & Co. or Macy's in your 
city) and stock up on а wide assortment 
of exotic canned comestibles. You'll find 
everything from Swedish or Danish meat 
balls to clam enchiladas in 
sauce — the choice о) victuals for а wil- 
derness fare-thee-well is almost endless. 
Something else you might check out at 
your sporting-goads store (if portability 
isa problem) is Armour's Star Lite out- 
door foods prepared by a freeze-drying 
process which removes 99 percent of their 
moisture. The foods need no refrigera- 
Поп and keep up to поо years, requiring 
only soaking in water before cooking to 
moisture. There are. cur- 
rently 12 varieties available ranging from 
a ranch-style breakfast (four eggs, pork- 
Sausage patties and fried potatoes) to 
shrimp creole. 


Perhaps you can help me solve a nerve- 
racking problem. 1 recently discovered 
my biother-in-law cheating on my sister 
The third party was his secretary, whom 
I've met. It was in an outol-the 
d 1 guess he never 
im there. Any- 
how imer. made 
quite evident that the only business being 


cakes do 


restore their 


conducted was monkey business, Now Î 
know what 


to do. Should 1 tell 
ppily 
vied, and l'm afraid my revelation 
might blow things wide open over what 
n just а momentary we: 
ness of the Mesh. Or should I tell my 
brother-intaw that 1 spotted hi 
ice to explain, although 1 
ort of legitimate expla- 
— С.С, Denver, 


Чоп 


п апа 


give him a c 
don't s 
nation 
Colorado. 

Your best bet is to stay out of it; the 
affair (if there is one) is really none of 


your business. If you took it upon yonr- 
self to tell your sister what you suspect. 
who would be the better for it? Certain- 
ly neither she nor your brother-in-law; 
nor would confronting him with your 
suspicions be likely to do anything but 
strain your own friendship with a mem- 
ber of the family, while having little ov 
no effect on his other relationship. The 
wisest thing you can do is give yow 
's husband the benefit of the doubt, 
and ту to forget the incident. 


Smok- 
ition to a dinner party 
A friend of mine told me he 
eceived one worded that way fro 
French couple now living in the States. 
ЈН. St. Petersburg, Florid 

“Smoking” is the Gallic way of saying 


“Black 1 


Ves ns, 
and during that time Гуе encountered a 
problem which 1 hope your sage advice 
will solve. Mv job as secretary to a junior 
exec permits me to meet many men of all 
псе I'm not interested. in re- 
] and an eve 
ning's entertainment, 1 accept dates with 
only those for whom I feel a reasonably 
strong attraction at the moment. Now, 1 
have no intention of becoming promis- 
cuous, but neither do I intend to say "No" 
to anyone to whom I'm physically at- 
tracted. Apparently, I'm attractive, too, 
since the men in my life these past two 
s insist that 1 am about the best thing 
on which they d eyes. But 
now, somethi n 10 work on my 
subconscious nd is making me doubtful 
of my femininity: I have two disturl 
ligure faults — breasts that lack the firm. 
ness and youthful look of the lovely girls 
son 
my hips. None of my sex thers has 
ever mentioned these as deterrents, but 
сап you cosmopolitan men-abouttown 
tell me if most men do feel repulsed by 
such lessthan-perfect attributes? Help! — 
S. C., Boston, Massachusetts. 

Fret not. Femininity is [ar more а 
matter of attitude than anatomy and no 
male worth his salt expects perfection 
in either department: men are going lo 
like you for what you are, and, judging 
from your letter, thats quite a bit. 


C. you tell me what the word 
ing" on an in 


mea 


widow for two of my 26 у 


arriage, пог a free me 


ave eve 
g has be; 


All reasonable questions — from fash- 
ion, food and drink, hi-fi and sports cars 
to dating dilemmas, taste and ctiquetic 
— will be personally answered if the 
writer includes a stamped, self-addressed 
envelope. Send all letters to The Playboy 
Advisor, Playboy Building, 252 Е. Ohio 
Street, Chicago, Hlinnis 60611. The mast 
provocative, pertinent queries will be 
presented on these pages each month. 


7 р 1. ia] е FOR THOSE WHO ENJOY THE TASTE OF GOOD WHISKEY 


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К i T — 
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What we know about you! 
(If you’re a Scotch drinker) 


If you are a Scotch loyalist—prefer Scotch to all other 

kinds of whisky—you'll enjoy this insight into what kind 

of person you are. See how good a judge you are of your- 

self and your fellow Scotch-men. 

Pencil handy? Check the appropriate boxes below. (All 

answers at bottom of page—but later, please.) 

1. Asa Scotch drinker, chances are nine to one you live: 
In a small town [7] Beyond your means [ ] 
On the East Coast [7 Near a big city [ ] 


2. Three out of every four people who prefer Scotch are: 


Clerical and sales people Г| Housewives and teachers 
Business executives & Professional people] Bagpipers [ ] 


3. An especially large number of Scotch-preferers went 
to college. The correct figure is: 
9% 62% 57.3% 75% 0 

4. And a surprising number of Scotch loyalists are impor- 
tant people in public life. How many? 

20% 6.2% 18% 11% 
Read on: 
This brings us to Part H and a genuinely distinguished 
Scotch called White Horse. (The name comes from an 
ancient Scottish tavern.) White Horse differs from many 
famous Scotch whiskies in certain important ways. Try 
your hand at guessing: 
5. Some much-advertised Scotches are bottled in England. 
Some are actually bottled in the U.S.! Where is White 
Horse made, bottled and imported from? 

Scotland England United States [7] 

6. Some Scotches, though famous, are relatively new. 
White Horse has been cherished in Scotland for: 

50 years [ 1 125 years [ | 200 усагв 
7. White Horse is known as the DRY Scotch. It’s light 
enough for modern taste. Yet it has substance. It doesn’t 
“water out” with ice or soda. That’s because Dry Scotch 


isn'tmade the usual way. The crisp dryness of White Horse 
comes from: 

Thirty selected malt whiskies [ | 
Twelve hours іп an Autoclave ] Charcoal filtering 


One thing more. Jf you are one of the knowing people 
who prefer White Horse, we'd like to suggest a few other 
things that are probably true about you: 


m Your educated taste in Scotch is away from the heavy 
or swect—toward the clean and crisp—toward the DRY. 
Thats why you prefer White Horse. It’s DRY. 


т You like being a good host. Enjoy serving White Horse, 
the dry Scotch. DRY—as in White Horse—means not 
pungent, not smoky. But not thin or watery, either. DRY 
—by White Horse —tastes delightfully like Scotch. 


All of the above makes you a pretty special kind of man 
... who likes a pretty special kind of Scotch. 


Why not order White Horse for your next party? You'll 
appreciate the subtle Scotch personality that wc call DRY. 
The care that even goes so far as numbering each bottle. 
Your friends will appreciate it, too. 


Answers: 

1. Near a bigcity. 2. Business executives and Professional 
people. 3.75% 4. 20% 5. Scotland 6. 200 years 7. Thirty 
selected malt whiskies. 


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THE PLAYBOY FORUM 


an interchange of ideas between reader and editor 
on subjects raised by "the playboy philosophy” 


THE MEDICAL VIEW 

It is OK to glamorize sex as you 
the Madison Avenue boys do. I's great! 
But when are you and the advertisi 
men going to start glamoriz 
ls of sex, be. the rising venereal- 
disease rate, the jetage seven-month 
pregnancies, the broken homes, the st 
cides, the homicides and the individual 
crack-ups? 

Lets do a real service to mankind and 
present this subject in its right ре 
spective. so the issues involved are not 
steaming hot in the beginning and free: 
ing cold in the end. 

Warren J. Brown, M.D. 
Indian Rocks, Florida 

But nonc o[ the above-mentioned con- 
cerns ave caused by sex or a more per- 
missive attitude toward sex рет se — they 
are caused by the very attitudes toward, 
and ignorance of, sex which we oppose. 
Dr. Brown, meet Dr. Santrizos (below). 


Tt would seem that any more plaudits 
for The Playboy Philosophy would be 
superfluous; however, after reading the 
September installment, 1 feel impelled 
through deep satisfaction and conviction 
10 extend my congratulations on your 
lucid analysis of our confused, guilt- 
laden sexual morality. 

On the | пу personal experi- 
with emotionally disturbed pa 
1 that the last ү iph of 
the 10th installment (September), which 
lists the effects of such a morality, should. 
Iso included. most types of neu- 
roses and schizophri 

If the sex drive 
so is the hunge 
compone 


ences 


аз. 
man is evil, then 
e and all othe 
ly endowed 
nature; and if this is so. then it must 
follow that God, if he be, is also evil. 
Harry Santrizos, M.D. 
Playa Del Ray, € 


dr 
ts of his instinct 


зо, 


THE FEMALE VIEW OF MARRIAGE 

Many thoughts have been provoked 
by Hefners series on sexual mores 
through the ome crystallization has 
taken place as 1 read the article Love, 
Death and the Hubby Image by Will 
Iversen, in the September issue. Now I 
would like to share some of my thoughts 
with you in the hope that further dis- 
cussion may add to the much-needed 
understanding between the sex 

As а fe 
person, 1 sy 


the exploited male and agree that he 
wer end of the deal in the 
modern American marriage. However, 1 
think you overlook the fact that women 
are just as dissatisfied with their lot as 
parasitic accumulators of “thing 
men with womer tic "devo- 
tion." One need only observe the long 
line of neurotic wom ting the 
turn to tell all to the friendly neighbor 
hood therapist to realize that the frustra- 
tions in our society are there for men 
nd women alike. 
How did this state of allairs come into 
? Are women, now that they arc 
finally pa men back for 


"s the 


as are 


centuries of exploitation? Are we women 
finally сој into our own as Mon- 
ез inherently superior sex? Bosh! 


By such oversimplifications one. ignores 
the threat to the male ego, when it 
appears that the “little woman" m 
be able to “achieve” more than 
spouse, if she were willing to s 
a on the altar of he 

one ignores also the fi 
to compete lor | ure and so 
hides her inadequacies behind the weak 
excuse that her place is "in the home.” 
It їз obvious that equality between the 
exes has not been achieved. As long as 
ther sex believes it is inherently supe- 
rior or inferior to the other, as long as 
men and women view cach other as nat- 
ural enemies, there will be no equality. 

Let me define my term: by equality, 1 
mean true give and take: the recognition 
of the other person's individuality; his 
(her) right to have hı 
to pursue those personal objectives which 
will fulfill his personality. 

One of my difficulties in expressing my 
thoughts clearly is the necessity of using 
generic terms like “mankind,” “hi 
him" when I mean n 
It should be noted that the male world 
has excluded. females so long from the 
domain of thought and self-expression 
that general terms are usually ex 
pressed as male— Ше epitome of male 
exclusivenes 

Returning to the proble 


her 
ilice 
ch for self; 
ale who refuses 


se: 


of 


own iden id 


1 of the mod- 


em American marriage — and how it sot 
that way — readers vill find enlighten’ 
Betty Friedan's The Feminine Mystique. 


inst the 
boom. 


which sounds the battle cry 
postWar “hack to the home 
which subverted the feminist 
ment by glorifying woman's t 
role as domestic drudge and nes 


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PLAYBOY 


According to her, this boom was pro- 
moted primarily by the return of male 
editors to the women's m nes (and, 
fact, a return to the control of all 
s media) — men who were nostalgic 
after the war years for a return to male 
normalcy (supremacy), with the litle 
woman waiting patiently in the door- 
ay of their vine-covered cottage, greet- 
ing with adoring eyes her hero, returned 
from the battles of the day. If her thesi: 
is correct an has only himself to blame 
for his current. predicament 

However, | cannot ignore female re- 
sponsibility so casily. While I agree with 
Miss Friedan that women should not be 
expected, and are not satisfied, to find 
their total identities through their h 
bands and children, and are no better 
fitted for dishwashing, ironing and 
scrubbing than men, | do feel that 
women have a responsibility not only to 
assert their individuality, but to accept 
fully the roles of free citizens— to dis- 


charge their obligations to society, to 
use their capacities for love and com- 
pasion to benefit not to enslav 
humankind, 


Unfortunately, E fear that the Ваше 
of the Sexes finds much succor in 
pages of pLaynoy. While your exposition 
of the hypocrisy of our sexual mores 
very much on the right ur 
wadict your own. philosophical 
by continuously exploiting the fe 
object. Of course, she i 


the 


sexi 


1 think that until we are able to ac- 
сері people as people, 1 never 
reach understanding and mutual 
respect between the sexes. 1 could 
this discussion further by noting our 
unfortunate categorization of people 
to races, religions and ethnic groups, 
which immediately blinds us to 


true 


et 
their individuality, but I think (I hope) 


you get my poin 
Mrs. Elayne В. Nord 
Liule Falls, New Jersey 

We get your point, because we share 
i. We also believe that women should 
have the right, along with men, to 
explore and discover their individuality 
and to develop those qualities that will 
make them truly human. But we would 
argue with the premise that YLAYBOY 
favors contemporary society's Ваше of 
the Sexes — even though our critics often 
claim we do. 

n sand a view that will 
be explored at length in future install- 
ments of “The Playboy Philosophy” — 
that it ts the antisexual element іп so- 
ciety that has, throughout history, treated 
women as less than human by either 
reducing them la the status of property 
or elevating them to an equally dehu- 
manizing position on pedestals. 

YLAYBOY does not degrade nor exploit 
the female when if treats her as а ro- 
mantic sex abject іп a magazine edited 


is our vi 


for a male audience: we offer a positiv 
quite optimistic view of көсісіу-а 
happy, healthful, heterosexual view — in 
which the roles of men and women 
complement one another, instead of be- 
ing competitive or in conflict. 


ne 


At last it has happened. I am finally 
compelled to write giving you one mar- 
ed American woman's opinion of you, 
Mr. Hefner, your publication and the 
people who write for it. 

Between your Playboy Philosophy 
and Mr. Iversen's article, Love, Death 
and the Hubby Image, I am utterly 
My husband loves his chil- 
doesn’ k the cat and has no 
objections to paying for life insurance 
that will benefit his famil 
man 
master of this ship and I am del 
to be his first mate. 

As far as this “hubby image" 
cerned, I ask, who writes the jokes, 
draws the cartoons and dreams up the 
husband-ridiculing adve 
ican med опе word. men! It si 
to reason that this must be their own 
opinion of themselves. 

Also, who invents such 
washers, dryers, clock-radios 
telephone cords? Aj 
really Y s such 
conveniences. why don't they keep these 
bright ideas to themselves? 

Ponce de Leon and Chris Columbu: 
were probably pansies and 1 wouldn't 
doubt but what your esteemed author 
might be, too. 

As for your Philosophy, it escapes me 
completely. It appears to me that. you, 
Mr. Hefner, hold nothing dear or 
sacred — be it marriage, religion or pa- 
n. You state that “religion should 
be a personal thing between man and 
his God." I'm willing to bet that your 
"personal god" is a cool cat with a crazy 
beard, twisting around in bunny h 
with a host of buxom, cotton-t 
gels. You seem convinced that you are 
authority оп all subjects. Perhaps both 
you and Mr. Iversen should try ge 
Its great fun. Especially the nights. 

You're probably wondering why 1 
allow your magazine in my home at all 
It's simply this: the man's man to whom 
Fm wed still manages to exercise some 
rights, Even though trapped in 
of marriage, it is still his privilege to 
read what he chooses 

L dare you to print this letter 
©! I hesitate to с 
ber who will agree with my opinion. 
figure would be astronomical! 

Mrs. Veronica Graeme 
Lemon Grove, Californi: 

We're not opposed to the institution 
of marriage, Mrs. G.—only 10 certain 
negative aspects of il, as practiced in 
contemporary. American sociely. If you 
and your husband have a happy тат 
riage, based upon mutual love and ve 


ней 


If they 


nt we wome 


the web 


mate the n 


rety 


The 


spect, we're happy for both of yow, and 
for your children. You are among the 
few who have escaped the suffocating 
antisexuality and competitive hostility 
that modern marriage too often fosters. 

We agree that the problems that pres- 
ently face society, relative to sex, 
marriage and the entire spectrum of 
male-female interinvolvement, are more 
the doing of man than woman — but the 
answers, if we are to find them, musi be 
sought by both sexes, for the benefit of 
both. We will offer our own suggestions 
in future installments of “The Playboy 
Philosophy." 

On the personal side, Mr. Iversen is 
married and, he reports, happily зо; 
Mr. Hefner is unmarried and, he reports, 
happily so. 


First, 
vidual, 
Playbo: 


as a reasonably discerning indi- 
а like to thank you for The 
Philosophy prod. 
ded me into taking а long. eye-opening 
look at the society in which we live — 
a society which most of us normally take 
more or less for granted. Like so many 
of your other readers, 1 found the view 
rather startling. This is us — modern 
America — with our roots sunk deep in 
the superstitions of longgone eras, and 
our heads buried in the muck and d 
ness of outdated prejudices and dogmas. 
It is easy to understand why we are st 
nating im a swamp of conformity 
acceptance of the status quo. 

Second. asa young wile and mother, Г4 
like to thank you for the invaluable con- 
tribution you have made to my own per 
roles in soc The 
to the contradictions 
between expressed and actual standards 
of conduct has helped mc to answer many 
of my own quest and will help mc to 
answer the questions which will inevi- 
tably come from my daughter. 

While I have not found туѕе in 
total accord with all u s been 
both the agreement and the disas 
ment have helped me to form a more 
ightened pe philosophy. 

Mrs. Judith Hanson 
Beaumont, Texas 


Yes, Canadian women do n 
magazine. In fact, one Сапа 
the editor of Chatelaine ma 
ay to devote an entire edito 
to ап attack оп you [Playboys — 
Who Needs Them?” Chatelaine. March 
1963]. In a way, | suppose, you should 
thank Mrs. Anderson. She did morc 
than she thought she would — her con- 
cem with wl n women read 
backfir any of us couldn't wait to 
get our hands on the forbidden riaysov. 

Sor found Mis. Anderson 
wanted them to find, but many of us 
found The Playboy Philosophy, which is 
excellent, and the new Jeeves novelette 
by P. С. Wodehouse, and much, much 
more, of interest to the mature, intelli 


id your 
1 woman, 


azine, went 


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PLAYBOY 


58 


gemi person, of cither sex. 

T like what I've found and shall coi 
tinue to read Playboy, I've given up on 
Chatelaine. 


rette Simon 
Alberta 


Mrs, La 
Calgary 


PHILOSOPHY AND POPULATION 
To deem a philosophy necessary to 
justify the erotic pleasure а male ma 
obt viewing pictures of nude 
females azine is the summit 
of rational ion. With a population 
explosion all over the world, rravnov's 
Sex Crusade is comically inappropriate. 
What is really needed is not a Playboy 
Philosophy. but a good 5é contraceptive! 
Barbara L. Nelson 
Los Angeles, California 
How about both? 


RESPECT FOR RELIGION AND LAW 

I have been an enthusiastic reader of 
лувоу from the first id 1 have 
enjoyed ig the ıe mature 
into an can i m. The past 
few i however. have changed 
PLAYBOY from "entertainment for men” 
to a philosophical essay on life and 
living. As long as you stick with enter- 


ues, 


tainment. you are great. but when you 
attempt to analyze religion, law and 
education, you must then compete with 


Titers 
qualified and specia 
Your editorials show your lack of 
knowledge of Low and religion, since you 
respect neither. 1 think the problem is, 
you are beginning to believe the trash 
you print. 
You created. PLAYBOY 
»out to destroy it. For 
survive very nicely 


nd publications that are truly 
ze in these fields. 


now you 
tely, we w 


Larry Sanders 
Whittier, Californi 
We have considerable respect for both 
law and religion — we simply believe the 
two should be kept separate in order to 
assure a free society. We're quile certain 
you will survive without PLAYBOY and, 
quite frankly, we've willing to try getting 
along — difficult as it may prove to be — 
without the support ef someone who has 
been ап “enthusiastic reader" of PLAY HOY 
since the hrst issue, but has always 
thought of ihe magazine as “trash” 


A PHILOSOPHY BY ANY OTHER NAME 

1 have been reading, with some inter- 
est, Mr. Hefners exposition of The 
Playboy Philosophy. In general 1 share 
пу of his views, as do most liberals 
in this country. Aud we are grateful for 
the opportunity of seeing many long-held 
but unpopular opinions appear in print 
for such a largi to read. 

It is 
the right side of the road, зо to speak 
He is against intolerance and suppres: 
censorship and 
He is for freedom and individual dec 
sion. Well and good — one cannot help 


sion tuthorit 


but applaud his liberal sentiments. 

It is, finally, quite evident that he 1 
been doing his homework. The articles 
have managed to quote copiously fom 
the sour ils of those organiza- 
tions to which The Playboy Philosophy 
is opposed. and it seems that the quo. 
tations are fair ones. 

But I would like to take exception 
to Mr, Hefner's use of the word "philoso. 
phy" in describing his editorials. This is 
not a pedantic quarrel but, [ be 
а point of the utmost importance. "Phi- 
is a technical term: there are 
ssional, trained “philosophers,” who 
have worked for many years mastering 
the tools of their craft. And the t 
“philosophy” has defini i 


ic question 
n roughly the 
of civilization 


s which 
the 


dawi 
What is Man? What is God? What is 


me since 


them? Wha 


the relau 


onship betwee 
Society? What is the relation between 
Society and the Individual? What is 
Knowledge? What is Good? What is 
Being? What is the Origin of the World? 
These, and a few more, are the questions 
professional philosopher trains 
They are all abstract 


If to answer 


hims 


questions, and all receive abstract. an- 
swers. Of course, the answers diller, but 
the basic questions remain the same 


So it is all well and good — indeed, 
highly commendable — for Mr. Hefner 
to have committed to print his ide 
about a variety of subjects. But u 
he sets as his task the a g of these 
basic questions, he has, it seems to me, 
no legitimate right to use the word 


“1 


swe 


“philosophy” in the title of his articles. 
This is particularly relevant, because 
unless Mr. Hefner spells out quite clearly 


what his over-all conception of Society, 
Man, Good and Evil, Religion, etc., 
alty is. his series of editorials may 

destructive than constructive. 
maybe it is a good idea to 
destroy a lot of u nd dangerous 
ideas and prejudices, without buildi 
something positive in their place. 
tha not the primary function 
of philosophy. 

The criticism is relevant, also, because 
without having ішін a philosophical 
foundation for his position, Mr. Hefner 
is 


. too. 


ible to do justice to his opponen 
A perfect example of what 1 mean is hi 
teatment, some months ago. of the 
Jewish position regarding sex — a subject 
which, by virtue of my profession, I 
happen to know something about. 
Jewish philosophy is quite clear on 
the matter of the worth of the human 
body. Not sharing the view of St. Paul 
(and of the Greck Mystery Religions) on 
the dualism between Body and Soul, it 
has, in the n fallen 
тар of condemniny 


n, never мо the 


HI pleasurable bod. 


ul. Mr. Hefner 


ily activities as sim 


mas 
produce jous rabbis 
through indicate the 
opposite, of course. for the Tradition is 
4000 years old and vast in what it en 


compasses. There were 


imes when Jew 
ish life tended to be puritanical. But all 
this does not obscure the fact that, at 
heart. Jewish Tradition is not, and never 
really has be 

there are dissenting e 
idual neurotics. 
groups. bur as а philosophy — that. is 
in its basic, main-stream tradition, Juda 
ism has a. positive view of Life and Sex 

If Mr. Hefner is going to take issue 
with his opponents — whether religious 
or secular — he will have to strike at the 
roots of their beliefs — at their. philoso- 
phics — not at only a few of their fruits. 
He will have to challenge. abstractly, 
their presuppositions, and offer presup- 
positions of his own in place of them. 

Unless he is prepar 
arduous technical job, he can no more 
be properly considered. a philosopher 
than I, for all that Т plonk away on the 
banjo, can be considered. a musician. 

Rabbi Walter Zange 
San Francisco, Californi 

Fdilor-Publishery Hefner does not, in 
any sense, consider himself a philosophe: 
and he has said that “The Playboy Philos 
ophy" is philosophy in the 
technical oy scientific sense of the word 
than in the sense that any human being 
may have a personal “philosophy of 
life” “The Playboy Philosophy” is, as 
described in its continuing subtitle, а 
statement of the "guiding principles and 
editorial credo" of this magazine and its 
publisher, which seems consistent with 
one of the definitions of the word given 
by Merriam-Webster: “The body of prin 
ciples underlying a human activity 
өт business.” 

Some of your semantic reservations 
may also be sel at case with the install- 
ment in this for Hefner more 
clearly delineates the underlying princi 
ples of his “philosophy” and dors spe 
cifically define his concept of Man 
Society, the relationship between Society 
and the Individual, and Good and Evil 

Your comments on the lack of anti 
sexuality in Judaism are consistent with 
Hefner's own editorial observations. He 
staled, in August, that according to G. 
Rattray Taylor in “Sex in Histor 
expressing a view shaved with other 
authorities — “The carly Jews believed 
strongly that one should enjoy the pleas 
ures of life, including those of sex (sce 
Deuteronomy 21: 10-14) and some teach. 
ers held that at the last day one would 
have to account to God for every pleasure 
that one had failed to enjoy"; he also 
quoted Taylor's statement that the seem. 
ingly antisexual “Thou shalt not commit 
adultery,” in the Ten Commandments, 
originally referred to an offense against 


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property, as wives were considered, at the 
lime, to be the property of their husbands 

The only time that Judaism developed 
a strong antisexual bent was, Hefner 
noted, in the post-Exilic period, but 
this, he emphasized, was in contrast to, 
rather than consistent with, Jewish tra- 
dition. In the September “Philosophy,” 
Hejner quoted an article by Nathaniel 
5. Lehrman from the Journal of Reli. 
gion and Health, which says: “Although 
sexuality was accepted without question 
throughout carly Biblical times, and in 
ihe Mosaic code іп particular, various 
ects of the latter have given vise to 
the erroneous belief that the Old Testa- 
ment is antisexual. Such asceticism ap 
pears to be altogether foreign to the 
traditions of Israel.” 

Hefner also quoted from David Mace, 
in “Hebrew Marriage”: “Тһе entire 
positive attitude: toward sex which the 
Hebrews adopted was to me an unex 
pected discovery. 1 had not realized 
that it had its roots in an essentially 
‘clean’ conception of the essential good- 
ness of the sexual function. This is 
something very difficult for us to grasp, 
reared as we have been in a tradition 
which has produced in many minds the 
idea that sex is essentially sinful...” 


IN THE STANFORD LIBRARY 

Your powerful and lucid exposition of 
the PLaynoy philosophy is in the best 
tradition of Leibnitz, Berkeley, aud the 
100-0ften-passed-over Ouspensky. Despite 
the groani 


of a few repressed prudes 
and deadheads in the Stanford. Philoso 
phy Department, five of us, all terminal 
graduate students, have succeeded in 
having rrAvmoy placed alongside Ethos 
and Daedalus on the shelves of the 
philosophy library. The issues are hound 
quarterly and bave found their way into 
the permanent sticks. Meanwhile, the 
sprightly cover of the October issue en 
livens the otherwise fusty atmosphere, 
and is the focal point of many spirited 
philosophical "bull sessions." 

It was Alfred Lawson who said, “Man's 
innate sexuality can in no wise be 
differentiated from his other creative 
impulses. Mankind has suflered with 
cach ill-advised attempt. at their bifur 
cation.” With each passing month your 
timely reaffirmation of this basic verity 
drives the Philistine further into retreat 

These essays bear the unmistakable 

hallmark of genius. 
Bradley Efron, Allen Dodworth, Mark 
Draper, Michael Fullmer, Thomas Cover 
Stanford University 

Palo Alto, California 


THE BUNNY SYMBOL 

In reference to the April Philosophy, 
and the comments made іп the last 
paragraph. on the giving of sexual con 
notations to symbols, perhaps you would 
like 10 remark on this bunny business 
Tell me, is there not even a little bitty 


r hidden away there? Oh, now I 
see: your rabbit symbolizes the fact that 
you wrinkle your editorial noses at 
hypocrisy in our modern society. Oh, 
well, none of us is perfect 
William $ 
Princeton. New Jersey 
The symbolism in the viAvsov rabbit 
is meant to suggest that the magazine is 
editorially playful, frisky and, yes, sexy, 
too— but Пату intended to prompt a 
hidden snigger. Our hare apparent is a 
fun-loving beastie — а bunny vivant, so 
to speak. 


uart 


NATIONALISM 

1 am in [ull agreement 
editorial position on sex, rel 
i ment. It is good to see an honest 
philosophy of this kind out in the open 
for all to see, consider and debate. It 
seems to me, however, that to help de- 
stroy one irrational, immature idea (pu- 
ritanism), you are fostering another 
(excessive nationalism). Your text is pep- 
pered with appeals to that prevalent 
mentality in the States that only "Amer- 
ican” ideals are valid and worthy — that 
we alone have the key to human happi- 
nd ego- 
centric philosophy born ol insecurity. 

In today’s world we need to overcome 
attitudes of provincialism — not encour- 
age them, We need thinking that tends 
to unite nations by minimizing cultural 
and historical differences and by creat 
ing a feeling of compromise, good will 
and mutual understanding. You are ech- 
oing in your articles an “Americanism” 
cult which is far more dangerous to 
mankind's future than puritanism would 
ever be, On a single page of the June 
issue [p. 71]. you refer to "our American 
ideal" “the American saga” and "the 
17 Aren't these prin- 
ciples valid for all mankind? 

1 am an American citizen and my 
work has temporarily taken me overseas 
to Europe. 1 love my country as much 
nyonc, but | recognize that a strong 
and free. Amer the long 
run, on a strong, free united world 
that has solved the problems of haved, 
intolerance, overpopulation and war. 
Idealistice Maybe. But a 
lor. How about join 
not sell as many copies as the sex bit, but 
it sure helps one get a good night's sleep. 

James P. Thrasher 
Newport, Monmouthshire, England 

Hefner has made frequent references 
to our American heritage and ideals, not 
ош of excessive nationalism, but because 
the society he has been discussing 


поче 


ness. des а smug, complacent 


America cover 


аз 


а depends, 


goal to shoot 


the fight? It may 


throughout much of “The Playboy Phi 
losophy” is American: In criticizing сеп 
sorship and the interinvolvement of 
church and state in the U.S., for ex- 
ample, it is natural to contrast these 
problems with the beliefs and intentions 
of America’s founding fathers and the 


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62 


uarantees of freedom in the American 
Constitution апа American law; the 
three specific phrases you mention as 
having appeared on а single page іп 
June were a part of an interview with 
U.S. Supreme Court Justice Black оп 
the significance of the First Amend- 
ment in protecting American freedom. 
Quite obviously these principles are 
valid for all mankind and a considered 
reading of “The Playboy Philosophy” to 
date should make clear that Hefner's 
emphasis on the individual and his free- 
dom is not limited, as a concept, to any 
one community or country. The extent 
to which our views parallel your own 
will become doubly clear with a reading 
of this month's installment, since Hefner 
restates and amplifies on the most basic 
tenets of the magazine's philosophy. 


ART AND POLITICS 
In your editorial credo in the January 
issue, you say: "Politics may be impor- 
in government... but it has no 
v art and liter Not if Amer- 
nd literature, and indeed the 
self, are to remain free." 
At best, a non sequitur: at 
ded fallacy. Art and 
: are classic and. potent tools of 
xd to attempt to debate their 
5 distinct from their content, 
iveness and just plain mes- 
NeoScholastic prissiness. Or to use 


tur 


truth of this statement can be 
listing of a hall-dozen names 
Pete Seeger . .. The Cranes 
. . the Bolshoi . . . Shadows 
22. Orwell... All Quiet on the Western 
Front... Guernica. Are these works of 
or politics? The answer is, both, And 
recent years, the most adept use of this 
tool has been made by the Left — Far Left 
— thatis, theSocialistsand theCormmunists, 
As К. R. Minogue has pointed out, 
the modern liberal has a lelesided ho- 
monymous hemianopia for this sort of 
thing —and rrAvWoy is mo exception. 
You who 
Avenue 
nothing to say about 
ing” on this far more crucial matter. 
And the blindness is oncsided — or do 
1 hear a cry to import recordings of the 
Nazi Army Chorus and Band singing 
über alles? 


The 
seen in the 
nd work: 
Are Flying . 


truth іп packag- 


Deutschland, Deutschland 
the sake of art, even? 
mes W. V 


For 


You have lifted the comment out of 
context and, thereby. lost the point. 
Hefner did not mean to suggest that 
art and literature ате not often used for 


political and social ends—they ob 
viously are. What he expressed was 
the view that political considerations 


should not be a basis for government 
suppression of art and literature; and, 
further, that a work of art should be 
judged on its merits: the sins of Ше 


fathers should not be laid upon their 
“children,” whether they be the poems 
of Ezra Pound, the dancing of the Bol- 
shoi Ballet, Picasso's paintings — or even 
the piano playing of Mussolini's son. 
Suppression by the state оғ by any pre: 
sure group leads to creative sterility. 

The point that a work of art should 
be judged apart from the artist was well 
made a few years ago in a play, “The 
Male Animal,” by James Thurber and 
lion Nugent, in which a mild-mannered 
professor caused a furor at his university 
when he proposed to read, at the next 
meeting of his English class, the illiterate 
but poignant letter written in his death 
cell by anarchist Bariolomeo Vanzetti, 
one of the condemned pair in the in- 
famous Sacco-Vanzetti trial that caused 
such a national stir in the Twenties, 

We are fundamentally opposed to dic- 
tatorship and so reject the political 
ideologies of both М 
nism, but we ате glad we live in a free 
America, where it is possible to read 
with equal ease “Mein Kampf” by Hit- 
ler and “Das Kapital” by Marx. Inci- 
dentally, re Nazi recordings, “Hitler's 
Inferno,” ап LP slice-of-Nari-life, has 
been available іп the U.S. for several 
years —and iis a spine chiller. In our 
estimation, the availability of such works 
is consistent with the most basic precepts 
Of a free society and is preferable 1 the 
altitude adopted by some Germans after 
World War H, who thought they could 
erase the memories of Nazism by not 


sm and commu- 


talking, writing, reading o heaving 
about them. 
For your information “Deutschland, 


Deutschland über alles ” origins predate 
Nazi Germany by several centuries. The 
lyric is based on the anthem oj Helgo- 
land, when Helgoland belonged to Great 
Britain: it, in turn, is based on a 13th 
Gentury poem. The music was composed 
by Haydn in 1797. “Deutschland” was 
adopted as the German national anthem 
іп 1922, replacing “Die Wacht am 
Rhein” and “Heil Kaiser, Dir." the lat- 
ter sung to the same tune as England's 
“God Save the King" and America’s “My 
Country Tis of Thee.” 


CENSORSHIP 
1 you for The Playboy Philoso- 
phy. For several years, | have been 


searching for an intelligent. well-written. 
contemporary appraisal of our social and 
sexual standards. Now here it 
d hoped for and more. 1 have be 
iding your magazine for two or three 
years and have enjoyed it very much. 
ice the institution of the Philoso- 
1 have been praising your editor 
1 су 
kes me furious to hear of (and 
experience) the censorship. prejudice 
nd hypocrisy which is still present іп 
the “Iree” United States today. When 
will people learn that censorsh 
subject is not only unjust and i 


but dangerous as well? In this country 
we pride ourselves on our tolerance, but 
where in the hell is it? 1, as one lowly 
itizen of this grand and glorious U.S., 
would like to see more of the practice 
of what is preached. And even if 1 didn't 
gree with Hefner's concepts, 1 would 
still admire him immensely for daring to 
cross some of our more prominent and 
staid citizens. Нштау for Hefner! Hur 
ray for rrAypov! Hurray for life! 

ra Hasenyager 
rsity of Kansas 
ice, Kansas 


As a condition of this life. I know that 
someday 1 must die a personal death. 
other man may do this for me 
Therefore, let no man presume to think 
for me, or tell me what | may read, or 
interfere im any area of my personal 
freedom. The worst obscenity of all is 
censorship itself. 

Robert U. McMahon 
New Hartford, New York 


SEXUAL FREEDOM 

The п ion for the success of 
your Playboy Philosophy is that you tell 
your readers what they want to hear 
Being human, it even 
your hypocritical advers: y 
other readers. I find your philosophy a 
tractive. 1 do not doubt that it would be 
easier and far more enjoyable to adhere 
to than my prudish notions. But I can 
not accept it, because 1 have a higher 
set of values. 

For example, in n 
believe that man is a ci 
If a person has indiscrimin: 


ters of sex, T 
ture of habit. 
al re 


these 

s strikes a 
tion of our society, the family. 
1 believe that the family unit would be 
seriously weakened by extramarital se 
tions. Roger Vadim showed 
ons Dangereuses that even the 
most liberal union cannot. exist. under 
such conditions. "Thus. 1 believe tha 
promiscuity would crack the foundation 
of our society 


ual 


B. Larkspur 
gion, D.C. 
you mean all ex 
society is already 
promiscuous, since the great majority of 
American теп aud a large percentage of 
the women presently indulge in sex out 
side of marriage. What PLAYBOY advo 
cates is nol a more sexually promiscuous 
society — since believe that 
most satisfying when accompanied with 
emotion — but a more enlightened atti 
tude toward behavior that already exi: 

We agree that adultery may seriously 
weaken a family unit and is, therefore 
not. desirable; but adultery is move apt 
10 be the symptom of marital trouble 
than the cause—and the underlying 
cause of disharmony would seem, to us, 


If by “promiscuit 
then 


tramarital sex 


we sex is 


s 


lo be the more important. concern 

We do not agree that the man (or 
woman) who has indulged in premarital 
sex is more inclined to indulge later in 
extramarital sex if the marriage 
itself is a happy and emotionally jul 
fling one. Alfred Kinsey's research 
indicates that a person wilh some pre 
marital sex experience is move likely, 
Matistically, to have a successful mar 
riage than a person without such ех 


perience, 

We do not believe that society should 
lower its values; we believe it should 
mise them. We favor the highest set of 


values of all—one based upon season. 


1 picked up a copy of rLavnoy for July 
and became very much interested in 
k 
he 


your philosophy. or credo. Your at 


on sexual hypocrisy is absorbing 
parts admitting that some of our most 
honored sex morality is based upon 
male ownership of the female as mere 
property. like his pipe or his vod and 
veel, particularly intrigued me. E c 
member one time in my teens when I 
got my face slapped for saving th 
morals seemed. to be based not on r 
honesty or decency, but on the exped 
«псу of the male. 

And the screwball ruling 
church down through history are as- 
tounding. Vd i 


ı re 


most 


s ol he 


ver read anywhere be- 
lore that anyone, even a religious leader, 
dared set the exact ıd precise 


"s most 
cal can 


technique for a man and. wil 
private moments! How mecha 
you 

However, some points of disigree- 
ment, or inquiry. came to mind while 
reading. And the ignoring of these could 
well bring a new kind of mess almost 
ws bad as the old oue. И you aren't 
relul, you may destroy the Lilt along 
It. 
thing, how about the ag 


c 
with the 

For -old 
thrill of winning someone you think is 
better and more desirable than the aver 
age? This desire is common. in both 
sexes. But if everybody is to become as 
easily available to everybody else as you 
М, who will 


appear to think they sho 
seem worth winning? 


Your dislike of the time-honored 
double standard. is to the good, 
agree, but it seems to me you are in dan- 
ger of replacing it with another double 
standard. The old. standard condemned 
a woman if she sid yes, calling her 
loose. uely forn 
these days would apparently call he 
cold il she says no. She gets damned if 
she does and damned if she doesn't, 
This isn't exactly a change lor the bet 
ter, And 
Ше is not necessarily synonymous with 
a happy ses life. And last, but not least, 
do you really believe that all possessive- 
ness сап be eradicated from hum 
tur 
goes pretty deep. 


and 1 


at the ne 


ng 


fter all. a promiscuous sex 


for either sex? lt is a Ге 


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PLAYBOY 


64 


Incidentally, if you want to publish 
this letter in the Farum, you will have 
to do so under a different name, like 
Mary Forsythe, or some such, or anony- 
ously. Not that I'm ashamed of a 
thing Ive written, but the last time I 
expressed. myself frankly on sex it was 
two months before the snide, lateat- 
ight phone calls stopped. Anyway. my 
husband would probably cobb r 
for this letter, if he i 

“Mary Forsy 
"Tacoma, Washington 
Avmov is not advocaling a society 
free of all sexual restraints, only one іп 
which those restraints are more reasoned, 


just and humane. We would not remove 
the “pleasure of the chase” for anything 
іп the world. When Hefner speaks of 
“sexual freedom,” he does not mean 
“free dove; or sexual behavior freed 
from the responsibilities that go wilh il; 
it ts our wish only that sex be freed from 
the overriding feelings of fear, guilt and 
shame that have perverted and repressed 
it for centuries — and that sexual moral- 
ity be based upon rather than 
superstition. 

We do not believe that man will ever 
rid himself of all possessiveness. or that 
il is desirable to do so, but undue pos- 
sessiveness toward other human beings 
likens them to objects or things, and is 
rooted in the ancient concept of people 
as property. Human beings are not pos- 
sessions. An individual should be loved 
and respected, but not possessed. 

The woman of today may be damned 
if she docs and damned if she doesn't, 
because society is in a state of transition 
from an old sexual morality to a new 
and, we trust, more enlightened one. 


reason 


Many men throughout history have 
observed and commented, in or 
or another, on the perpetual evoluti 
ary improvement of the human race— 
опе in which rravsov is taking a very 
active part today. Tennyson wrote, in 
1812, “The old order changeth, yielding 
place to new." So must our sexual out- 
look change. yielding to a more intelli 


ment approach, based on scientific 
knowledge. 

In the past, various forms of sexual 
restrictions mo doubt prevented the 


ache of illeg 


itimacy, but today we 
bout birth control 
strictions unnecessary, 
n awareness of the psychology of 
ich should contribute to our fre 
dom from fear and frustration. But pco- 
ple bility 
of this knowledge, and so I congratulate 
you on the Philosophy as a means of 
ament in our modern society 
Robert C. Banks 
Belleville, Ones 


iust be awakened to the 


val 


io 


TWO TEACHERS' VIEWS 
As a subscriber to rrAvnoy magazine, 
T would like to commend Hugh Hefner 


n giving the American p: 
boy Philosophy. As а 

school teacher of history and Еп 
T have found the expression of sim 
views on society less than acceptable on 
numerous occasions. so 1 fully ap- 
preciae the й wolved 
in publishing your uch criticism 
of established traditions and taboos has 
caused the financial and social downfall 
of many great men throughout history. 
Robert W. Pleiller 11 
Chicago, Шіпої 


Chicago hi 


mense courage 


I am а small-town. lowa. English 
teacher. D am also an atheistic existen- 
tialist and an avid reader of PLavnoy. In 
your S:ptember Playboy Forum, you 


primed two letters that represent my 


feeling about The Playboy Philosophy: 
the from Mrs. Lilli Segal, 
who wrote, “This editori: ies de 


serves to be read, not just by P 
s. but by every student and 
u the country"; the second 
Raymond J. Brandell, 
h we (the society of the ‘pro- 
vincial Middle West) have broken the 
bonds of political isolationism, it seems 
that we yet sufler from an isolationism 
of the mind.” 

I have been "swept" from my last two 
teaching positions by angry mothers and 
clergymen. The individual school super- 
intendents “asked” that 1 not. return 
because of "discipline | problems"— a 
handy term used by administrators of 
the saber-toothed curriculum to eli 
nate “dangerous influences" to the fe! 
minds of today school students. 

The actual reasons why 1 was asked to 
leave the first position were quite sim- 
Т was suspected of drinking while 
from the school system; I was seen 
smoking while walking down the mai 
street of the town wherein the school 
located: and th 
ment for athei ¢ we were discuss- 
ing various religions in class. 

I had to leave the second school be- 
cause 1 1 recommended satiri 
artide which appeared in PLAYBOY to 
an unusually bright female stude 
loved ire, but who did not 
enough sense to read it without, 
recommending it to her 
mother. Her mother h 
landlady that I had a large collec 
of PLAYBoy magaz 1 my room, 
some “dirty” poetry (Ferlinghetti) 
= the coup de grâce — The Golden Ass 
of Apuleius. 


was from. 


who wrote, 


t who 
have 


purit 


1 heard from my 


nes 


starting on my third teach- 


nd am acting like an early 
Christian as he sneaked about the ca 
combs. I am continuing to read PLAYBOY; 
ı terms of. Mother, God, and the 
(in that order), I am tying to 


teach my students that they must under- 


stand what they believe before they cin 
actually believe. 

Please do not publish my name if you 
choose to print this leur. HE you did. 
I would probably be hanged this time: 
almost no one in these small towns will 
admit it, but I am not the only one who 
reads your truly great magaz 


Please continue your 
tempt to nt the truth and. perhaps 
soon | can stop being а hypocrite 


t talking to my students as il they 
intelligent beings capable of mak- 

ions for themselves, 

(Name and address withheld by request) 


CLARIFICATION REQUESTED 
I view your sexual code with consider- 
m refreshed by 


able 


ambivalence. 1 
your attempts to ri 
sexual hypocrisy 


America of her 
1 do not take issue 
with your premise that sex should be en- 
jovable. This is fine, as far as it goes. 
Assuming. however, that sex is 


festation of love, it cannot. be divorced 
from 


love's commitments 
s. As a caseworker who h 
with unwed mothers, 1 have seen what 
sex can be for those who simply wanted 
to have some fun. For this reason I don't 
find your code shocking or immoral, 
simply underdeveloped. Perhaps a note 
of clarification would be helpful. In the 
meantime, may 1 wish your fine. maga- 
vine continued success. 
L. Jeffrey Powell 
Piusburgh, Pennsylvania 
rLaynoy's position on sex is indeed 
“underdeveloped” — Hefner has, thus 
fav. devoted a single installment of “The 
Playboy Philosophy” (July) to the seri- 
ous gap that exists between our society's 
supposed sexual beliefs and actual sexual 
behavior, with the observation that such 
hypocrisy is harmful to both the indi- 
vidual and society as а whole; and two 
installments (August and September) 
to an examination of the history of the 
religious beliefs that produced our con- 
temporary antisexualism. 

In the next several issues, Hefner will 
consider our current sexual standards 
and practices at greater length and sug 
gest an alternative sexual code of ethics 
more in keeping with a rational society. 

But before Hefner expands on his 
views, we would ask you whether it is 
sex or society that is to blame for the 
heartache you have witnessed as а case- 
worker? Is it sex or an ignorance about 
sex that produces unwed mothers? Is it 
sex or the prejudices of an unfeeling 
and irrational society that precludes any 
sane soluiion to unwanted pregnancy, 
and persecutes and shames the unwed 
who become pregnant? 


nd responsi 
worked 


SEXUAL MATURITY 
Body chemistry produces in hum 
an erotic desire for phys 
(continued on page 216) 


ns 
I satisfaction 


How can we possibly serve 
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and all the rest? 


VERY EASY. First because Rose's has 
squeezed the limes for you. Second 
because Rose's smooths out almost any 
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begins in the West Indies. Delicious, 
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THE PLAYBOY PHILOSOPHY 


the thirteenth part of a statement in which playboy's editor-publisher spells out—for friends 
and critics alike—our guiding principles and editorial credo 


OVER THE PAST YEAR, we have attempted 
general evaluation of a number of 
our society's strengths : 
we have discussed the 
the individual ina fre 
emphasis on conformity ty. 
and the need for lization of both 
our democracy and the frec-enterprise 
system through greater stress on the 
uncommon and uncommon en- 
deavor and accomplishment: we have 
considered the importance of the sepa- 
ition of church and state to a democ- 
racy and pointed out how, throughout 
history, whenever government 
ligion not kept apart, 
of man’s liberty was certain to ensue 
we've discussed censorship and how a 
free society cannot long remain free 
without the full protection of free speech 
nd press, and the uninhibited expres 
sion of even the most unpopular and. to 
some perhaps, objectionable ideas: we've 
analyzed obscenity and demonstrated 
how a single suppression of free ex- 
pression can be used to oudaw a wide 
variety of unpopular opinions and 

«tions; we have documented the his- 
torical sources of many of our antisexual 
concepts, considered America's own puri. 
tanical heritage, the current Sexual Rev 
olution and our socicty’s search for a 
new sexual morality. 

Because the area covered іп the first 
12 installments of The Playboy Phi- 
losophy has been so broad, our fist, 
q left а 
number of questions still to be answered 
and a great many side considerat 


«c of 


import 
the over- 


man, 


and re- 


wer erosion 


al discussion h 


e genei 


"s 


yet to be explored. As we enter into the 
second of this cont editorial 
series, we will attempt to answer some 


of numerous que by 
readers along the way (we cannot. men- 
tion our readers without pausing to note 
that the enthusiastic response to these 
editorials has made the effort expended 
on them a most gratifying experience) 
and try to offer positive solutions to 
some of the societal problems we face in 
our time. 

We have spent most of the past few 
installments on an historical analysis of 
sex suppression and a consideration of 
how this antisexual aspect of society has 
created а censorship of communicati 


editorial By Hugh M. Hefner 


among free men in both the p. 
ponths ahead, w 
discuss contemporary sex behavior 
and its conflict with our professed г 
ious and moral teachings: we will con- 
sider the gap that exists between sex 
behavior and the law. and the cilect 
such a hypocritical schism can have 
upon a community's mental and moral 
health. We will discuss sexual respor 
sibility. both in and outside of marriage; 
the importance of the family in raising 
: divorce, birth control, abortion, 
prostitution; and such nonsexual moi 
problems as racial discrimination, capital 
pu legalized gambling and 
drug addiction. 

We will comment on the changing 
roles of men and women in contempo- 
тағу America, our drift toward 
ual society. and the inherent dangers w 


the present. In the 


asex- 


foresee in such a trend. for men and 
women we will consider the 
single vs. the double standard al 


morality and attempt to the 
positive and negative aspects of both. 
While our principal concern will rem: 

the individual and his relationship with 


himself, with other individuals, and with 
his society. we will also consider the 
broader implications involved іп the 
international morality of nations and 


world responsibility in the Atomic Age. 

Out of these various fragments, we 
hope to evolve and set down our per- 
sonal philosophy for a happier. health- 
ier. more productive, more rational, 
more truly hur nd humane world. 
We will state our views frankly and 
honestly as we know how, confident tha 
our readers will respect our candor and 
the sincerity of our intent, even when 
they find themselves in disagreement 
with some of our conclusions. As in the 
past, we will welcome the rcactioi 
both positive a ive—of our 
readers, believing above all else that th 
free exchange of ideas on subjects such 
as these offers the surest guarantee of 
Our society's continued growth and 
freedom. 


SOCIETY AND THE INDIVIDUAL 


Our view of the world is predicated 


ıd neg 


on the paramountcy of the individual 
and each person's inherent individuality. 
ciety benelits as much from the diller- 
nees in men as fro their simili: 
ties, and we should create a culture that 
not only accepts these dillerences, but v 
specs and actually nurtures them. We 
have previously stressed the value of 
the rebel to society, not because we feel 
that mere rebellion or the desire to be 
dillerent is benefic itself, but be 
cause the rebel attitude, and the diver- 
gent ideas it produces, аге essential 10 
progress. Through constant questioning, 
re-evaluation and reanalysis of estab- 
lished ideals, traditions and 
“truths” of iety, we stand the best 
significant 
blishing better traditions and 


sc 


chance of discovering more 
ideas, ем 
learning 

In addition, we believe that each 
individual has a right to explore his 
own individuality — to discover himself, 


as well as the world around. him — and 
pride nd the indi 
ity that sets him apart [rom the 


rest of m. 1, as fully as he takes pride 
in the kinship that links him to every 
other man on carth — past, present and 
future 


A society should exist not only 
for the purpose of establishing: common 
areas of agreement among men, but 
also to aid cach person in achieving his 
own individual identity. 

It is important. to remember that our 
American democracy is based not simply 
on the will of the majority, but on the 
protection of the will of the minority. 
And the smallest minority in society is 
the individual. 


A RATIONAL SOCIETY 


Second, we believe in a society based 
upon reason. The mind of шап sets 
him apart fom the lower animals and 
we believe that usc his 
intellect to create an ever more perfect, 
productive, comfortable, fulfilling, hap- 
py. healthy and rational society. 

We believe in the existence of abso 
іше uuth—not in а mystical or reli 
gious sense, but in the certainty that the 
tue nature of man and the universe is 
knowable, and the conviction that the 
acquisition of such truth should be one 


man should 


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of the major goals of mankind. Truth 
may play a part in religious dogma, but 
we think it presumptuous for any one 
religion to assume it has the inside track 


on truth, divinely revealed. We think it 
natural that man be awed by the over 
whelming marvel and magnitude of the 
universe in which he exists, and if this 
awe leads to reverence, faith and wor 
ship. that, too, may enhance his spiritual 


awareness and his sense of wonder 


It is only when faith in the unknown 
produces resistance to the acquisition of 
greater knowledge that we oppose it — 
Or when the perversion of faith produces 
bigotry, intolerance, or totalitari 
timidation. coercion, persecution от 
subjugation of those of dillerent beliefs. 

There is a curious philosophical incon 
sistency in the fact. that while science 
is based. primarily upon rcason and rcli 


gion primarily on faith, it is science that 
currently stresses man's inability to usc 
his rational mind (projected in the 
theory of determinism, in which man is 
scen as the sum of his heredity and en 
vironment) and rc 
free will and respe 


m which stresses 
ibility (making him 
accountable in an afterlife, where he is 
punished or rewarded for his actions) 

It is our view that man is a rational 
and while his heredity and en 


be 


vironment play a major role in set 


the pattern. of his life. he possesses thi 
ability to reason and the capacity for 
choice, not granted to the lower animals 
whose response to life is instinctually 


predetermined. "Ehe use, or lack of use 
ol his ration 


| mind is itself, a choice 
and we favor a society in which the 
emphasis is placed. upon the use of 
reason — a society that recognizes m 
ictions 
We believe in a moi 
ing 


responsibility for his 


1 and Тамар 
у, but one in which the moral 
ity and the laws are based upon lo; 
reason rather than mysticism or reli 
ous d 


soci 


gma. 


A FREE SOCIETY 


Third, we believe that man was born 
to be free, that freedom should be his 
most cherished birthright, md that it 
should be society's function to see that 
his freedom is preserved 

Freedom in a rational society must 
have its limitations, of course, Dut the 
limitations should be logical and just 
commencing at that point where onc 
man’s freedom 
dom of others. 


fringes upon the free 


Society also has the right to limit the 
freedom of those who have broken its 
laws: who, because of mental or emo 
tional disorder, are incapable of con 
ducting themselves rationally within 
societ 


and those who have пос yet 


reached. an ay be 


at which they п 


expected to accept the responsibilities 


of the full freedom med to adults. 


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70 


HAPPINESS AND THE PLEASURE CONCEPT 


Fourth, the primary goal of society 
should be individual happiness. We be- 
lieve that pleasure is prelerable to pain 


nd that any doctrine which teaches 
otherwise із masochistic. 
Happiness and pleasure are men- 


of being and 


tal and physical 
society should ¢ ize the positive 
aspects of both, For many individual 
happiness includes spiritual values 

should be free to follow thei 
ics. but not to force them 


they 
spiritual be 
upon others. 

For ourselves, 
it teaches that is 


ny doctrine is evil i 
»orance is preferable 


to knowledge, pain is preferable to 
pleasure, sell denial is preferable to self- 
gratification, poverty is preferable to 


wealth; or that the acquisition and er 
joyment of material possessions is im- 
proper or wrong, and that they preclude 
ethical and moral rectitude, creativi 
usefulness to society and all other ad 
mirable qualities presumed, by some, 
to be the sole property of the self 
sacrilicial. 

We believe that a society that empha 
sizes the individual and his freedom, is 
based upon reason, and has happiness 
as its ty and the 
one to be strived foi 


soc 


m is an ide 


ENLIGHTENED SELF-INTEREST 


We think it is natural and right. for 
the individual to be principally con- 
ed with himself. We think that man, 
e the lower s. is primarily mo- 
tivated by considerations of self, but that 
rational man should be expected 10 ex- 
етсіѕе what is termed enlightened self- 
interest 

We oppose the tendency to meaning- 
sness in our present society. 
Self-sacrifice and self-denial are, in them- 
selves, wrong unless they are motivated 
by a desire for some greater individual 
good. This docs that man 
should be unconcerned about the well- 
ш of his fellow man. To the cou- 
telligent self-interest includes a 
concern for others. The individual 
should be willing to asist those less 
fortunate, for a society h in 


anim: 


Jess selili 


not те 


for the individual 10 be primarily con 
cerned with himself, dedicated. to his 
ow rests, proud of his ellorts and 
his accomplishments. Such dedication 
and pride are of definite benefit to both 
the individual and the rest of society. 


A HUMAN AND HUMANE SOCIETY 


ional self- 


n 


A society that emphasizes 
interest is not ап impersonal өне. Just 
the opposite. An emphasis on the intelli- 
gently self-dedicated individual produces 


both a more human and more humane 
social order. Moreover, these are the 
very qualities that our society is in 


catest danger of losing. 
As society becomes more complex, 
more structured and specialized, there 
is an increasing tendency to de-empha- 
size the personal, the individual and the 
human. Even as man’s technology be- 


comes automated, man himself runs the 
risk of becoming a depersonalized autom- 
aton, Pride in individual accomplish- 


ment becomes more difficult when he is 
but a single cog in the machinery of 
mass production —and this is equally 
true whether h 
Jine in a factory or at a desk performing 
a repetitive, routine white-collar job. 
He dresses the same as the man next 
to him. drives a similar car. lives in a 
simil: house, watches the same televi- 
eue 
enjoys a 


works on the assembly 


sion programs, smo! 
and drinks a similar beer. H 
two-party political system, but both cw- 
didates rum on similar platforms: he 
enjoys a free. press, but is often given 
only one side of major local, national 
and 


national. question 
ication and n 
sing produce in him the 
dreams, aspirations and brand 
, in everyone else, And to make 
certain his opinions, likes and dislikes 
don't become too dillerent from every- 
one else's, opinion polls on everything 
from political figures and important 
issues of the day to the popularity 
of TV shows and the products they sell 
inform him. down to a tenth of one 
percent, what his fellow Americans are 
thinking and doing 

Moreover, if his mam 


s adver 


me interests. 


rs, morals. poli- 
tics or religious beliefs are too different 
from the rest, he runs the risk of losing 
his job and being ostracized trom his 
comm 


s more im- 
ı his name, when he is ap- 
job: the number on his 
credit card is more important than his 
reputation when he seeks credit in 
restaurant or a department store. He is 
the 


plying for 


umber to Internal Revenue 
Service when he pays his taxes; an- 
other number to the insurance company 
when he pays a premium or makes 
daim; and still another number to the 
people who supply him with gas and 
deewvicity, Its a matter of li 
quence. we suppose, aud we don't doubt 
that the. new system is more efficient (at 
least for A. T.& T), but since the 
telephone company began. changing ex- 
changes to numerals, we can't remem- 
ber the phone numbers of a our 
friends anymore. (For friends outs 
the city of Chicago, our own pers 
number — complete. with area code 
office extension — is 512-612-1000-201, 


le conse- 


v of 


h we'll be damned if we feel like 
312.612-1000201. To associates inside 
the PLaynoy organization, however, Ili- 
nois Bell allows us to be little old 201.) 


An incident reported in The New 
Yorker several weeks ago illustrates 
just how "ve really gone in losin: 


our id in this numbers game: 


А young lidy from Boston recently 
w York Hospital 
small blue identification 


d with her name and address on it. 
This proved of no help to her when she 
wied to cash her first рау check at a 
bank, and since she had no driver's 
license, she was in danger of starving 
for lack of liquid funds. Then, resource 
fully, she neatly printed six arbitrary 
numerals along the top of her identifi 
cation card, After that, her checks were 
cashed without lo, the bank tellers 
dutifully copying down the bogus mu 
meras She likes to think of her six 
figures being copied by the central bank 
clerk, punched into monster LB.M. ma 


chines. and immortalized on magnetic 
tape 

Most of our məs communication, 
mass production, automation and nu- 


meralization serves worthwhile ends and 
makes possible the more effective oper 
tion of an ever more complicated ecoı 
omy and involved social structure. But 
хо ойзе1 this depersonalizing process, we 
a conscious empha 
in that was never so necessary 
before. Now, as never before, we need 
to explore. reassess and revitalize those 
qualities that make us truly human, as 
well as truly individual, distinctive and 
dillerent from one another. 

The much discussed New Leisure, 
made possible by the shorter work week 
resulting from mass production and au 
tomation, must be used not only to 
escape the tedium of a routined exist- 
ence, but to develop interests, avocations 
and personal potentiali re orh- 
erwise stilled. Since this publication is 
devoted 10 such leisuretime living, it 
can play а signihcant part in exploring 
this increasingly important area of our 
nd. most especially, in mo- 
tivating its readers to personally examine 
and develop aspects of their individual- 
ity. interests, talents and activities per- 
haps previously dormant. 

Any such development of our indi 
vidualism is a personally rewarding ex 
perience certain to make cach of us 
more truly human. It should also make 
us more humane, for an emphasis on 
one’s own distinctive t sts and. 
ideas ought lo produce pprcci 
of the р 
fellow men. By contrast, the do-gooder 
and the busybody are preoccupied with 
othe noted for their i 
erance, 


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THE INDIVIDUAL VS. THE GROUP 


Th is esseni that a free society con- 


tinually re-establish and re-emphasize the 
importance of cach individual within 
it, remembering that a society and its 
administrator, government, are only the 
means to an end. and nor an end i 
themselves, "The albimporiant end is 
d must always be. the individual — his 
interests. his freedom and his happiness 


Group good should not be allowed to 
ood. Group 
u the 


overshadow individu 
good should not be achicved 
expense of individual good. Group 
should not become disembodied from 
individual good. 

An ovcrempli 
ideal or ideolo: 
lated to dh 
Iual. And totalitarian control 
over the mind and body of man is most 
easily accomplished by stressing а deper 
sonalized group: in a dictatorship the 
terests of the state are рі 
those of the common citizen: the ingu 
sition would not have be 
without puting the concerns of the 
church ahead of those of the people: 
few of history's bloodiest wars would 
have been fought if the interests of the 
individuals involved had not been sub- 
uated to those of the 
ous bigotry 
quire our thinking in terms of groups 
ther than individuals: World € 
munism requires that its members dedi 
cate themselves wholly, unquestioningly. 
nthinkingly to the good of the Party. 
This is not to suggest th; 
ends may mot also be served. through 
group action and dedication, but when 
the group itself, or the ideal, or cause. 
becomes more important than the indi 
vidual members dedicated to it, as well 
as the individuals in society wi 
not be, then the scene is set for the 
perpetration of the most monstrous 
atrocities against mankind. 

It is our further belief that the great- 
est benefits to society have come, throu 
out history, from individual «Поп. While 
roup endeavor obviously has iis place 
in society and an increasingly complex 
social order requires more joint. «Поп 
than was necessary in simpler times, the 


з on a collective ides 
cm gi 


ced. above 


possible 


ond ation; reli 


ad racial discrimi 


ion 


эт 


worthwhile 


o m: 


need for individual initiative nd 
thought has also never been greater. 
We suller toda too much group: 


voup action and too lils 
ndeavor, No council could. 
have created Hamlet and the Mona 
Lisa could neva 


e been painted 
by a committee. In science there 
is a virtue in joint effort that docs 
jot exist in art and literature, but even 
here the псе оГ group productiv- 
ity is dec For wi 
scientific. project, like the se 
cure for Ginter or some aspect of tlic 


а complex 
h for a 


U. S. space program, may involve the en- 
ergies of many men, a single mind must 
conceive the nature of the problem and a 
possible solution, to then be explored 
by the research of many. Collective ef 
foit may 
atom bomb, but the formula Ё = mc 
came from a single genius — the tech 
nology of science depends upon group 
interaction, the inspiration of science 
depends upon the individual. 


we been required to build the 


We do not mean to suggest that men 
are intellectual islands, for it is obvious 
that in most areas of endeavor, cach 
man’s ellort is built upon the previous 
ellort of others, but the greatest achieve 
ments, whether in art or science, have 
ed, 


been produced by а solitary, dedic 
sel-involved individual. “Eurek: 
an individual expletive. 

It should also be clear that man must 
remain free if he is to continue to thus 
conceive and create, for history has 
proven, in every age and place, that the 
men most responsible for the world’s 
progress are often ridiculed and derided 
by their fellow men and their contribu 
tion only perceived with the passage 
of time. 

It is also uue that those who have 


accomplished the most are not, by and 


is 


history's humanitarians. Society es 
tcems self-sacrifice, but the self-dedicated 
man is more apt to give the world the 
things of most lasting value. The cr 
man’s achievement may benefit humanity, 
b 


ative 


is benefit is a by-product only, for 
it is the quest for a new beauty or truth 
that more often drives him — as he climbs 
upward to the farthest reaches of knowl- 
edge thus far atta He climbs with 
his mind for the same reason as the man 


who scales mountains — beciuse the 


problem is there and the challenge 
exists in conquering the unknown. He 
climbs until, at last, he stands alone on 
а dark plateau where no man has ever 
stood before —and then climbs. on, 


pitting his intellect, ir 


enuity and im 


nation k. 
hoping that they will lead t0 a peak Seal of Approval 
that holds the new truth or treasure 
that he seeks. Each generation a few 
great men reach these upper regions, 
where the air is rarefied and pure, where 


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THE FALL OF THE UNCOMMON MAN 


1 


п doers of deeds, who st 
out, head and should bove the re: 
lt is to such as these that we referred 
when we wrote, in an сатПег issue, of 
the need to honor and е 
common men among us, We observed 
then that the legitimate concern. over 
the plight of the common man during 
the years of the Great Depression had 
turned r deification of the 
common and the average, whereas, what 
is needed is a greater emphasis on the 
uncommon and the unusual. 

The tendency to suspect unusual ef 
fort, to resent and deme the uncom- 
mon accomplishment, is in sharp 
contrast to the attitude of Апи 
during this nation’s formative years. up 
to and including the 1920s. There 
was a time when men took pride in their 
work, truly honored intellectual pursuit. 
and made heroes of the men of greatest 
complishment — whether “ 
d letters. sports, or adventure: 

ing-do. Bur the Depression 
Thirties was not a time for heroes 
most Americans were more than wil 
to believe that even their idols had feet 
of day. As we have already noted, our 
two beloved Charleses of the Roaring 
Twenties — Lindbergh and Chaplin — 
suffered much the same reversal. оГ 
public sympathy in the dismal decade 
that followed, as did still another Charles 
— King Charles 1 of England, at the 
hands of the Purit the middle of 
the 17th Century — though the English 
monarch paid a somewhat heavier 
penalty for falling out of public 
favor. being sentenced to hanging until 
not quite dead, castration, disembowel- 
ment and decapitatiou. 

The hanging, castration, disembowel- 
ment and decapitation of two of Amer- 
жаз most popular heroes was only 
symbolic — we being more civi 
all — but the job was about as thorough 
as was done on the unfortunate 

sh potentare. The public images of 
the Lone Eagle and the Liule Tramp 
trampled in the muck aud mir 
not so much for any misdemeanor on 
ther of their parts, but because of the 
public’ to destioy its giants — to 
reduce all men to the level of the com- 
mon denominator, Lindbergh and Chap- 
lin were logical choices — they were the 
most popular — they had the furthest to 
IL Besides, they both walked right 
ıto it. 

Lindbergh was ostracized for express- 
ing an unpopular pre-War estimate of 
the strength of the German Luftwaffe; 


eem the un- 


into a nca 


icans 


nce, 


rts 


some det 


w 


У need 


he also accepted a German medal for 
his air exploits of a decade before and 
advised against war, which added up to 
appeasement. Both public and press 


were properly horrified and the owners 
of the Lindbergh Beacon. a Chicago. 
landmark, went lool new name 


for their light. 

Chaplin produced a brilliant satirical 
indictment of the N The Great Dic 
lator, about the same time, but thai 
wasn't enough to save his skin. He wa 
vilified and savagely abused by the pub 
lic, the press and the U, S. Government 
for his sexual immorality, unpopular po 
litical views and the fact that he had 
never shown sufficient gratitude for hi 
success here to bother applying for U. 
citizenship. 

Since the aspersions on his political 
attitudes appear to have been wholly 
unwarranted, and since America not 
in the ing every mem 
ber of the community who is 
citizen, sex appears to have been Chap- 
lin's principal sin, and it is certainly the 
one that received the widest attention, in 
two highly publicized trials involving an 
alleged violation of the Mann Act and a 
paternity suit — both brought 
the same spurned and vindictive woman 
He was found not guilty in the first case 
and though conclusive scientific evidence 
proved him innocent in the second also. 
the court ruled the evidence inadmissible 
and convicted him anyway. The Gove 
ment persecution of the man, her 
the world over as the greatest come 
of modern times, included a temporar 
revocation of his passport as "an unde 
sirable alien," Commenting on this 
menon in his sympathetic per 
‚ Chaplin (m лувоу, March 
igh 
hates is a 


bit of attac 


x a 


bout by 


еа 


on the list of America's ү 
man who, over a 3-year period. gave 
this d every other nation 
throughout the world —a gift valuable 
beyond price and beyond estimation. 
the most desirable and most. dilliculi 10 
receive: the imperishable gift of jov." 
Beaumont continued: “An anti-Chap 
lin s begun, calculated. by 


so hateful an 
1 critics con. 
admission of 


е ol Chaplin 
image that some Europ 
cluded that it was a dh: 
ilty conscience. 
Beaumont noted that Errol Flyin had 
Гар nastier sex uial (involv 
ing the statutory rape of a reer 
about the same time, without ever bay 
ing the public turn against him (the 
phrase “In like Flynn” became, in fact 
à popular sexual compliment of the day 
nd Flynn wanted to call his bestselli 
tobiography J» Like Me, but the pub 
lisher demurred and he had to settle foi 
My Wicked, Wicked Ways). Beaumont 


weathered а 


ger) at 


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PLAYBOY 


observed: "Flynn, eve 
consorting with girls young c 
be his granddaughters. could do no 
wrong. Chaplin could do mo right. 
Perhaps,” Beaumont suggested, "because 
he [Flynn] did not add to these [his af- 
fairs] the affront of genius.” An under- 
standably embittered Chaplin finally 
left America forever, to live out his days 
with his wife and family in Switzerland, 
where the remarkable gentleman is still 
siring children in his mid-seventies — а 
fact that would no doubt get him liter- 
ally castrated and disemboweled by the 
less potent and more irascible of the 
Geritol set, if he were still around where 
we could lay our hands on him. 


ANTHINTELLECTUALISM 


ntiintellectual syndrome in 
part of our society's sub- 
conscious desire to elevate the medi 
and demean the uncommon in education 
and intellect. No one needs to be told 
that men of learning, and the acquis 
tion of knowledge, should be esteemed 
far more highly tha the 
0252 and this is the only civil 
uy in which educators and educat 
given such lowly status. 
Throughout the Thirties, Hollywood 
produced musicils and comedies that ap- 
pealed to the popular prejudice that 
the typical U.S. colle: © of 
campus high jinks rather than a fount 
of learning. And the stereotype stuck 
mass media still represent. the typical 
college boy as more interested in foot 
һай and panty education 
the cliché college professor is "absent- 
minded.” Everyone knows that “common 
sense” is superior to acquired Knowledge 
In the Forties, the press added а new 
word to the Language — “Egghead” — 
a term of derision for the intellectual. 
For many Americans, to be cultured is 
to be considered. chete. Classical music 
is played by "longhais" and appreciated. 
by "squares" The man or woman of 
Jearning or cultural accomplishment, the 
poet and opera singer — have long been 
stock comedy characters in movies. Mod 
e а wise 
crack in the popular press than si 
interest or critical comprehension. 
Television has simply continued. to 


The 
America ds 


cre 


they 


are in 


was a ph 


t is still more apt to evoke 


make use ol tbe dichés already 
established by movies, magazines and 
newspapers: Time magazine recently 


commented, “To watch TV tell it, the 


U.S. teacher has long been a simple 
ike "Mr. Peepers.” 
nes are changing. As we I 


previously observed, America is givi 
every evidence of entering. into 
tural renaissance, The Time comment 
quoted above was the lead-in to a review 
of a new TV show, Mr. Novak, in which 
the teacher-hero projects a very diflerent, 
more complimentary image. And tele 

i neral, with gentle prodding, 


is becoming increasingly concerned with 
matters educational and cultural, though 
there is still far too much atention p: 
ing systems inst 
nd variety. 
movies are now wi 
able to tackle adult themes in a 
manner unthinkable а ion ago 
nd ane, їп gen better than they 
ever were in. Hollywood's heyday. АМ 
radio is. by and large. worse than ever 
— with its accent on “Top 107 rock "n" 
roll, but there is the remarkable FM- 
radio boom, with quality and culture 
lore. Th the re- 
ші the single-record busi- 
ness. which is all we knew as a lad 
(pinning Miller. Ellington and Dorsey 
at 78 pam.) has been taken over by the 
sereechers and howlers (оп those tiny 
pam. with the 
in the center — to match the ones in the 
heads of their listeners): but the post- 
War longplay album and hifi and 
sterco popularity have given us sounds 
we never knew in our teens. 

Jaze is busting out in halba«lozen 
different inventive directions and. there 
is more interest in classical music, both 
recorded and live, than at any previous 
lime in our history: interest in ballet 
wb modern d the increase, 
100. Since the W: rican painters 
have taken. the initiative away from the 
Europeans in modern art and produced 
the first really important art movement 
this country hay ever known. U. S. liter 
ature is probing new levels of life and 
existence in a new and refreshingly hon- 
est way and important. books previously 
suppressed. like Lady Chatterley's Lover 
by Lawrence and Lolita by Nabokov, are 
now being published here legally lor the 
first time. 

America’s anti-intellectual and anti 
cultural history has undoubtedly hurt us 
as а pation and while U. S. educa 
how 


to the r 
graming 4 


ad of pro- 


ling and 
grownup 


gener 


same holds true for 


records nt holes 


a e is о 


receiv nereased 
symptoms of our cailier 
still rellected in the publi 
secondary school systems 
tion, which devote morc 
ıd effort — special i 
classes, special schools—to the 
normal child than to the superior one 
Although both deserve extra attention, 
10 из that society would 
benefit far from a reverse of the 
present emphasis, since it is [rom among 
the superior children of today that most 
of tomorrow's leaders will come — and 
the first years in the life of 
normal or l— are the 
important in nining motiva 
interests. personality, etc. Where 
institutions of learning should stress free 
inquiry and aeademic achievement, 
ofte only perpetuate confor 
society's prejudices. promote 
social and nonacademic curricula, suffer 
from low teacher status and pay, and 


нен 
prejudices are 
primary and 
ross the па 
time, money 


ion. special 


sub- 


it seems clea 


more 


any person 
most 


dete 


too 


thes 
force 


are plagued by political and rel 
interference. 

In classstructurcd societic: 
and cultu 
been perpetuated by an elite. leisure 
or ruling class and filtered down thence 
10 the lower classes. In a relatively class- 
free democracy. no such process exists 
and an interest in such pursuits should 
be emphasized 

Those in positions of prestige, influ 


« intellectual 
1 interests traditionally have 


t every level of society 


ence and power in a democracy can be 
especially valuable in promoting educa. 
tion imelleciual achievement, cul 


civic interests, and in 
the growth of the demo 
cratic process by directing attention. to 
the significant issues of the day. seeing 
that all sides of important questions 
are given full and proper coverage, and 
keeping open the channels of inquiry 
and communication that are the founds 
tions of a free society 

It is obvious that those in positions ol 
prestige, influence and power in the U. 5. 
h 
in control of our various media of com 
munication have too often simply pan- 
dered to popular taste and prejudice 
rather than making any serious attempt 
to lead or enl 

Though we have as [ree 4 press as any 
on in the world, some unpopular 
Teas and issues of public concern do not 
often receive full and unprejudiced cox 


ave not always done this, that the men 


giten 


erage in the mass magazines and newspa- 
pers: among them: communism, Cuba. 
Red Chinas membership in the UN 


world government, the dangers of radio 
active fallout from atomic testing, reli 
gious totalitarianism in America, censor 
ship. sexual morality and Taw, divorce 
birth control. abortion. prostitution. sex 

1 prison. capital punishment and drug 
addiction. 

Even the heads of our leading insti- 
tutions of 5 »t always be 
counted upon 10. publicly endorse. thc 
most basic tenets of democracy — as when 
loyalty олі were required of the teach 
ers of many of our. prominent universi 
ties and colleges, during the 
period of the McCarthy and House Un 
American Activities. probes: when thc 
president of the University of. Illinois 
fired biology profesor Leo Koch for 
writing a letter to the Daily [lini express 
iberal view on sexual relations 
before marriage; or when the president 
of Baylor, early this year, forced the uni 
versity's dram department to. dose its 
production of Eugene O'Neill's prize 
winning play. Long Day's Journey into 
Nighi. іп midaun. because, “the Tan- 
wage of the play was not in keepin 
with the ideals of the university.” The 
Baylor incident prompted. Paul Baker, 


learnt cam 


hysterical 


the highly regarded head of the dram 
department, and 1| members of his 
stall to quit. In а joint statement. the 


departing faculty members said, “Ош 


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PLAYBOY 


78 


decision is not a hasty one, It has evolved 
from many hours of soulsearching co 
fere nd prayer on the part of cach 
faculty member. It was а heart-wrench- 
ing decision. The faculty, representing 
140 combined years of dedic 
has worked to make a contribution to 
the promotion and growth of Baylor. It 
is not easy to leave such a large invest- 
ment. Tt is our fervent hope and 
prayer that Baylor U 
heyond the confines and pressures of the 
present moment and that it will fulfill 
its destiny as a complete and great uni- 
During his 28 years at Baylor, 


ted effort, 


versity will g 


ow 


versity.” 


ad pioneered in many phases of 
theater and attracted international at- 
tention md acclaim: thankfully, com- 
stockery docs not infest the entire 
cademic community: within an hour of 
his resignation, Trinity University an- 


nounced Baker's appoinment as chair- 
man of its speech-and-drama department 

This fall Yale's president, Kingman 
Brewster, Jr, was confronted with a 
dificult decision concerning academic 
freedom in the student body: a re- 
quest from the school's Political Union 
to allow rabid segregationist George 
Wallace, Governor of Alabama, the ор- 
portunity to speak at Yale. Brewster de- 
nied the request, because he felt it might 
insult or incite New Haven Negroes. We 
beli the wrong decision for, 
as Time pointed out, in a democracy 
free speech must be “for the bad guys 
as well as the good guys." 

Other Ivy League schools did not 
compound Brewste the Har- 
vard-Raddiffe Young Democ n- 
vited Wallace to speak there after 
receiving a ruling of “no objection” from 
President Nathan M. Pusey: when the 
Brown University Daily Herald invited 
Wallace to speak, President Barnaby 

id that Brown is open to all 


ve it wi 


"s тог: 


8 


‘communists, fascists, racists 

" Princeton's president, Rob- 
ert Goheen, sanctioned student. invi- 
tition to Missisippi Governor Ross 


Barnett, though he termed 


t “untimely 
however, 
"pivotal to the very 


and ill-considered,” ade 
that free inquiry is 
idea of a university. 

The reaction to the Yale refusal. be- 
came so intense that law students at the 
school decided to reinvite Wallace, and 
this time Kingman Brewster, while mak- 
ing it clear he considered it “offensive 
and unwise,” did not interfere. Voltaire 
expressed the pertinent point best, more 
than 200 years ago, when he said, “I dis- 
approve of what you say, but I will 
defend 10 the death your r 
Voltaire understood, as all those who be- 


ht 10 say it 


lieve in democracy should, that a free 
society depends upon the free imer- 


change of ideas—an шатре 
terchange of ideas both popul 
unpopu ideas that se 
and those that scem insigi 


ilicant, ideas 


with which we 


grec and those with 
which we disagree, And when we refuse 
the right of free expression to anyone, 
we have reduced — to that extent — the 
freedom of us all. 


FREE ENTERPRISE IN A FREE SOCIETY 
We 


favor capitalism above any other 
economic system — not because it is "The 
Americin Way," but because it is con. 
sistent with our beliel in the individual 
competitive free enter- 
prise is the logical economic counterpart 
of a free democratic society. 

We have expressed our concern over 
the degree to which capitalism has De- 
come a dirty America. 
We believe this is caused by a lack of 
knowledge of what capitalism really is, 
how it dillers from controlled economics 
like socialism and communism, and the 
extent to which it has proven its supe: 
ority over them. Americans’ mixed emo 
is about capitalism stem, in part, 
m the puritan religious and moral 
heritage that equates mat posses: 
and the accumulation of wealth with sin, 
and in opposition to the supposedly 
more worthwhile spiritual i 
man, But, for us, no conflict need exist 
between the spirit, mind and body qu 
man, nor between a consid 
itwal values and the acquisiti 
knowledge and the mate 
of a free economy. 

Americans have traditionally "wor- 
shiped the Almighty Dollar" —as our 
social ауе expressed іс and 
suffered a giltedged guilt complex as a 
result. But the emphasis on competitive 
enterprise and economic gain has given 
this country the highest standa 
living in the world, producing not only 
an unequaled national prosperity and 
the physical possessions and comforts 
that only money cin buy, but also the 
elimination of illiteracy 
е (the compawiois of 
longer life expectancy, greater physical 
mobility (more automobiles, roads, 
trains, buses and air tra 
any other nation in the world), g 
upward social and economic mobility, 
the benefits of fuller, freer communi. 
cation (through books, magazines, news. 


ad his freedom 


word — even. in 


n of both 
1 benefits 


papers, radio, television, films and 
theater), increased education (despite 
our failure to give education its lull 


due). more opportunities = both voca- 
tional and avocational — and төге lei. 
sure time to enjoy the latte 
pitilism has proven itself. superior 
to any controlled economy, just as de 
mocracy has proven itself superior to 
any other political or social order. 
Free enterprise is the best, most produc- 
tive economic system, because it assures 
the fullest scope to individual initi 
taking 


of mans natur 


offering the greatest opportunity to the 


numb 
efit to all, 
m places the ownership ol 
property in the hands of individual 
citizens instead of in the hands of gov 
ernment. Property represents power and 
if power is to rest with the individual in 
a [ree society, as it must if the individual 
is to remain free, then he must have the 
right to possess property. A society in 
which the s s all propert 
so controls the use of all property as 
to enjoy the equivalent of ownership. 
not free. Without private property. 
individual is a slave of the state 
Because the individual cam 
free if he is robbed of the power of 
property, the economic system of so- 
cialism is incompatible with the socio- 
political system of democracy. A simple 
example of the way in which freedom 
is linked to property will help to make 
the point: a society may profess the ideat 
of a fie press, but if all paper, printing 
ıd binding equipment, and the book- 
and — newspaper-publishing 
elves, as well as the disuib- 
g companies, bookstores, and maga 


grenes 
tial ber 
Capit 


with maximum potes 


me owi 


or 


t be truly 


magazine- 


zine and newspaper stands are owned 
by the government, a free press does 


not really exist 

We do not believe it is possible to 
return do a completely laissez-faire 
economy — some minimal controls ove 
our economic life are desirable and 
necessary. But the clear purpose of these 
controls should be not to stifle indi- 
vidual initiative and enterprise, but to 
stimulate them—to keep the economy 
truly competitive through checks and 
balances that make impossible the undue 
acquisition of wealth and power by any 


group— be it of management or labor 
We ave familiar with the seemingly 
negative aspects of the free-enterprise 


system — the tendency to cycles of boom 
and bust; the fact that in а competitive 
economy not everyone can come ош on 
top: the waste of duplicated effort, prod 
ices, by compe 
the creation of unreal 
gressive advertisin 
of built-in obsolescence 
But not all such negatives are the 
vitable by-products of a [ree competi 


advisors have found remedies for the 
worst of these deficiencies and the nega 
remain 
when compared with the Denefits that 
accrue to society as a whole from private 
ownership, the profit motive and frec 
competition. 

Without some Governmental direc 
tion, the present economy would not 
long remain either competitive or free 
Yet many of the current checks and 
balances would not have been necessary 
if previous controls had not been intro 
duced which created. new and unanici 

ated situations requiring still further 


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PLAYBOY 


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and different controls. 

It is only a [ew decades since the U. S. 
began enacting laws lo protect labor 
from the abuses of power by Big 
Business; today there is evidence of a 
growing need for legislation to protect 
business from the abuses of power by 
Big Labor. 

Our present tax structure offers an- 
other significant case in point. Excessive 
taxes inhibit initiative, investment and 
business expansion — they have a dele- 
terious effect upon free enterprise and 
the economy. As U. 5. taxes grew — often 
in а haphazard and wholly arbitrary 
manner — the harmful effect upon. the 


есо 
introduction of equally capricious ex 
ceptions, exemptions, special deprecia- 
tions, depletion allowances and deferrals 

The result is an unnatural monster of 
а tas 


omy was partially offset through the 


structure — Frankenstei 1 om 


concept — created from the blood and 
bones of private individuals and. indus 
uy—aippling free competition and 
sapping the strength of an otherwise 
vigorous econom 


The current tax setup, both personal 
and corporate, not only stifles initiative. 
but the special allowances and loopholes 
set otherwise honest men to searching for 
their tax 
whole new breed of 


ıd means of avoicdir 


tions, and 


tax counselors and consultants has 
sprung up to aid them in doing just 
that. This generates the same sort ol 
antisocial behavior that Prohibition did. 


and when social commentators criticize 


the immorality of the modern business 
man, they would do well to examine 
current U. S. taxes, as one of the signifi- 
cant causative factors, 

It is not usu 


ed, but our 
excessive taxes, including the graduated 
income tax, favor the already wealthy 
individual or company and work their 
primary hardship оп the newcomers 
who might otherwise offer competition 
to those at the top. The 
prosperous amassed their wealth before 
prohibitive taxes were introduced: thc 
present tax structure makes it most 
dillicult for anyone else to duplicate the 
accomplishment. Higher taxes thus ісіні 
to protect established wealth and power. 
reduce competition and perpetuate the 
status quo. 

Excessive taxes not only 
Own business growth amd prosperity 
additionally, they compare unfavorably 
with the taxes of most of the countries 
of the Common Market, making it dith- 
cult for U.S. bu 
internationally. 

We approve of President. Kennedy's 
proposed tax cut and only wish it was 
ual. We also wish that the 
proposed plan included more (ах ro- 


lly recog 


previously 


limit our 


ess to compete 


more subs 


forms, 


was originally contemplated 


But our present tax laws are such a 


maze of special concessions and. consid 


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PLAYBOY 


82 


erations that the passage of any meaning- 
ful reforms is almost impossible. It has 
been seriously suggested that the best 
plan of all might be starting all over 
n from the beginning, That might 
not be such a bad idea. 

The lust few generations have wit- 
need a general trend, in the United 
States, away from free competitive enter- 
d a more controlled ccor 
. Some of these controls, in the 
form of social legislation, have served 
sirable ends and benefited both society 
nd the individual: some have had a 
stilling influence — shifting the emphasis 


from initiative to security, discour 
productivity, investment and economic 
growth, 


It is sometimes argued that free enter- 
prise was practical when our society was 
simpler, but that а complex modern 
economy requires 
regulation and control The opposite 
view seems to us to make more sense. 
It is precisely because a modern indus- 
trial economy is so extensive and diverse 
that serial supery 
sion of many individuals for its elici 
operation rather than the supervision of 
a single Government appointee. 

Government control over business 
should always rem t a practical 
minimum. because it оц 
tion that the individual ope 
with the fewest number of. restrictions 
and our further belief that excessive 
power endangers freedom — whether 
that power is in the hands of govern: 


ater Governme 


requires the ma 


firm con- 


es best 


ment or any other entrenched group. 
There is this additional, all-important 
consideration also: private enterprise 


is, other things being equal, more eli 
cient than government: a free society is 
more productive than a controlled one. 
It is not that men in government are 
any less cipable— it is simply that 
when one removes the primary motiva- 
tions of personal ownership and profit, 
along with competition, it markedly 
reduces enterprise and. efficiency. 
eneral Motors and 0.5. Steel 
nually produce profits of most 
sive proportions, but though 
not plagued with prohibitive taxes and 
controls, no оп в remember wh 
the biggest American 
the U.S. ment — la 
in the black. 
The U.S. Postal Department. incurs 
a remarkable deficit cach year delivering 
the mail, despite periodic rate increases 
with no related incre 
AST. & T. supplies. Ameri 
another form of communicatior 
alization 
mpressed 
by the handsome profit they manage to 
show at the end of every fiscal year and 
the handsome dividend they regularly 
send to stockholders, while generally 


золе 


se in sere 


contrast. 
with 


improving the service, lowering the rate 
purchasing all those swell ads showin; 
nice folks conversing with loved ones 
оп the phone and giant fingers doing 
the walking, with enough loot left over 
to put Telstar into sp 

We're not suggesting t 
ery be returned to private е 


where, incidentally. began 
simply indicat t the profit motive 
is а powerful factor іш improving 


elliciency — no doubt if A. T. & T. had 


signincant competition, that. would only 
further improve our telephone co 
pany's operation 


The Cincinnati Enquirer recently of 
fered further evidence of the high cost 
of Government «Шон in an editorial on 
the Peace Corps —a pet project of the 
current stration of which, we 
hasten to add, both we and the Enquirer 
approve: “It is worth noting that the 
budget for the current year allocates 
the Corps some $10,000,000, which. ac- 
cording to R. Sargent Shriver, the 
Peace Corps director, includes 59000 
for cach Corps member. A survey of the 
private and religious organizations th 
send missionaries abroad — to do ver 
much the same kind of work for which 
the Peace Corps is responsible — reveals 
that their normal maintenance cost. Гог 
each missionary is $2000 4 year. 

“The obvious moral to be drawn is 
not confined to the Peace Corps. What- 
ever Government undertakes, it does at 
several times the rock-bottom cost — 
circumstance that ought to make exc 
think twice before he invites 
to any new 


0 


Ameri 
ederal Government 


the 
eas of activity. 
A look abroad only confirms the co 
viction that competitive free enterprise 
supplies an impetus missing 
owned or -controlled economi 
and West Germany offer 
contrast in. post-War recover 
the country prospering under cap 
and the other half suffering the depriv 
tion and despair of Communist control. 
The Common Market 
ted the remarkable economic. stim- 
ulus that free competition can provide 
on an international basis, with the co- 
operating countries enjoying an un- 
а result, Eve 
has, in found it 
ary to resort to capitalist incen- 
both her industrial and farm 
programs to improve the ellicieney of 
the workers. And while the United 
States contemplates the problem of gy 
surpluses, Rus 
the position of being able to export 
certain amount of grain herself, thi 
year has been forced to import hundreds 
of millions of dollars of wheat from 
the U.S. and the rest of the free world 
to make up for the deficiencies in its 
own agricultural output. 


demo: 


st 


precedented prosperity 
Russia 


recent years, 


— which 


once was 


The contrast in efficiency between 
various forms of government reminds us 
of the humorous list of definitie that 
crossed our desk awhile back: 


Socialism — You have two cows 
nd give one to your neighbor. 
Communism —You bave two 


cows: the government takes both 

and gives you the milk. 
Fascism —You have two 

the government es both 

you the milk. 

ism — You have two cows; the 


iment takes both and shoots 


cows: 
nd sells. 


gov 
you. 

Bureaucratism — You have two 
cows; the government takes both, 
other and 


shoots onc, ks the 
throws the milk away. 
Capitalism — You have two cows; 


you sell one and buy a bull. 


This spoof of th 
supply an Л 
omic policies of the va 
government listed, and perhaps the ele- 
phant jokes have reduced your enthusi- 
asm for animal humor, but the over-all 
point of these definitions is a sound 
one — the best, most efficient economy is 
а free economy, whi the 
resourcefulness of the 

At this crucial ime, when our nation 
is involved in a Cold War of ideologies 
for the uncommitted countries of the 
world, it is most important that every 
American have a dear understanding 
of just what capitalism really is— and 
recognize that while it may ha 
defects, as anything man-made docs, 
s the best economic system yet con- 
ceived. 


FREEDOM OF OPPORTUNITY 


Freedom, for us, is quite clearly more 
than the right of each individual to do 
and say what he wishes, without fear or 
or from the state or from society — 
it also includes opportunity 

If man is to be free to fully explore 
his individual potential — for the good 
of himself and his society then we 
must offer each man the maximum pos- 
sible opportunity for such exploration. 

While we have pointed out the dan. 
gers іп the state becoming overly 
protective, g that ch 
paternalistic concern for its citizens can 
ap them of the individual initiative and 
enterprise that are the esence and 
strength of a democracy, the Government 
may rightly interest. itself in the educa- 
tion, health and welfare of the individ- 
ual, since the ignorant, the unhealthy 
and the destitute have only a limited 
opportunity for the pursuit of happiness, 
ed by our Constitution. 


“Isms” may not 
his into the econ- 


new ins 


is forms of 


lies upon 
4 


idu 


€ its 


100 mı 


as guar 
A competitive cconomy benefits society 
(continued on page 214) 


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PLAYBOY’S INTERNATIONAL DATEBOOK 


BY PATRICK CHASE 


Tose or You who prefer not to partake 
of February's winter wonderlands m 
ty the nearby topics for sunny contrast 
If you choose to do so, you can rent an 
entire island lor 5100 a month. [ust 
off the coast of St. V British 
West Indies, one island we know of has 
а house h couage, either of 
which rented separately = the 
-bedroom house for S36 a month or 
518. A fur- 
with sitting 
be had for 518 


cent, 


and a bei 


can be 


the 2-bedroom cottage for 
ished S bedroom. 
room and patio, can 
a week on Bequia, served daily by 
from St. Viucent, or you can 
stay at the Sunny Caribbee Hotel where 
rooms with meals (including afternoon 
tea) are $840 single, 515 double. 

Over in the Netherlands Antilles, 
within casy driving distance of Willem- 
stad. the Coral Clif Hotel, one of Cur 
оөз offers the 


schooner 


newest, usual resort 
pastimes of sea and pool bathing, yacht- 
ing. deepsea fishing, water skiing and 
snorkeling plus (unusually. delightful 
for the science-minded visitor) an dabo- 
rate hamradio station, an observatory 
for sky scuba equipment for 
undersea explorers. and a stock. of un- 
usual tropical fish in the hotel's gigantic 
swimming pool. Rates up to 515 a day 
single without meals, 523 а day double 
Called by some people “Fr 
the 


givers, 


wee with 


frangipani blossoms,” islands. of 
Martinique and. Guadeloupe, still rela 
tively unspoiled by a glut of tourists, 
boast rosc-piik. coral beaches shaded by 
almond wees and me 


tain slopes lush 
with green-velvet rain forests. The 30. 
room Cap Est on Martinique and the 
Caravelle on Guadeloupe are both 1963 
entries. Major diversions are natural — 
beach lolling aud fun — but 
can easily lose your shirt betting on legal 
cocklights or duels between. snakes and 
mongooses: however, you'll outgrew your 


water you 


shirt anyhow on the dict of Crcole-tla- 
vored French cooking that's so good the 
average meal runs five courses just to 


show off the chefs abilities. The long 
wine Dist docs justice to the likes of 
agouti stewed in white wine, hawk's bill, 
tortoise stew. 

haunch of roast wild goat, sca crab and 
ocean turtle. 

Dedicated snow lovers need not curtail 
their wouted wintertime interests, how- 
ever, if they book themselves a northwest 
passage to our snowiest state for the 
Alaska, Fur Rendezvous. 
atgranddaddy of sled-dog races 
— with $7000 prize money — 
pits the canine competitors team against 
team for the world championship: last 
year 18 states competed with a total of 30 


conch-andoctopus stew. 


some 


teams. Eastward across the continent, 
at Ste. Agathe in Canada's Quebec 
Province, sled-dog racing serves to add 
seasonal sparkle to the Snow Festival, 


motorcycle 
novelty te 


and 


g on ice lends 
usual winter pa 
cantry of torchlight ski processions, fire 
works and dancing beside a glittering ice 
palace. In the evening at most of these 
Laurentian resorts, avail yourself of the 
food specialties — notably Swiss Fondue 
and Fondue Bourguignonne 

Sybarites, lor whom the fresh air in the 
suowbound country is merely designed to 
sharpen the appetite, can safely try a 
winter weekend at ihe Publick House in 
Sturbridge, Massachusetts. 
Yankee Winter Weekend. starts. Friday 
ght with hor syllabub by a roaring fire 
in the old. paneled Common Room after 
a crisp drive through the wintry country- 
side. Pheasant dinners and pic breakfasts 


касі 
the more 


The so-called 


alternate with sleigh rides and squ 
dancing, and visits to the old village it 
self, the next two relaxed days, recaptur- 
ing the best in 18th Century living 

But if warm-weather 
exotic surroundings is all you really lı 
ker for, the next time you're in Florida 
move out of the Miami circuit for a Tew 
days. and get over to Moore Haven in 
February for Chala-Nitka, а delightful 
contest between local Indians and the 
gnarled whi turkey, ducks, 
quail and  alligatorcalling contests, 
bass fishing and boat racing through the 
darkstamed. channels of the Everglades 
Or hire an air boat, with а good guide 


wintertime in 


locals in 


who can lead you across the watery sav 


i 
nas and along the matted mangrove clus 
ters of this strange, exotically colored 
swamp, and stop over at Duck Rock in 
the Ten Thousand Islands. Try arrivi 

dusk or dawn, when the whole іні 
is covered with thousands of egrets, i 


peli comorants,spoonbills and 
herons. For full enjoyment of this really 
unique arca, stop over at the old Rod 


and Gun Club in the Everglades. For 
all its modern comforts, there's a wonder 
fully moss-diaped. decadent-South [ecl 
to the place. Food's good and service of 
the best. In 
S100. shanty boats are available 
Fort Myers for a week's dawdling around 
Corkscrew Swamp Sanctuary, Big Cypress 
Swamp, Fisheating Creck in the Brigh 
ton Reservation of (he Seminole Indians, 
Bear Lake and the Key Islands beyond 
the mangrove wilderness. На lazy, dil 
ferent sort of wip with the food and 
company aboard ship usually tops 

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PLAYBOY 


86 


"MD ROM лису 


шоли CAT 
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lii 


SHOW Esse 


ка 
MANCY WILSON HOLYWOOD MY WAY 


Give Capitol show albums. Give the smash hit of the on or 
off-Broadway season, The Boys from Syracuse. Or Tovarich,* the 
bright new musical starring the incomparable Vivien Leigh. Or 
the original Broadway cast performance of Meredith Willson's 
The Music Man. Or any of these other great Capitol show albums: 
Richard Rodgers’ No Strings (90 1695, the hilarious Beyond the 
Fringe (уузу 1792, the wild A Funny Thing Happened on the Way го 
the Forum уло 1717- 


* Now playing at the Winter Garden Theatre, New York City. 


Give Capitol popular albums. Give music by all the greatest 
stars in the business. In addition го the albums shown, here are a 
few more of the best: George Shearing's Jazz Concert (s; 1992, 
Nat Cole's Unforgettable т 357, Bobby Darin's Earthy (өл 1826, 
Guy Lombardo's The Sweetest Medlies This Side of Heaven (рут 1947, 
Laurindo Almeida’s It's а Bossa Nora World (өт 1946, Dick Dale's 
Checkered Flag (бус 1001, the Beach Boys’ Surfer Girl (бут 195 
Hank Thompson's State Fair of Texas (sr 1955, Webley Edwards’ 
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Rodgers & Hammerstein Deluxe Set, containing the best-selling 
motion picture soundtracks of Oklahoma, Carousel, The King 
& I. Or any of Capitol's other deluxe sers, including The Nar King 
Cole Story өмі. 1613, Jackie Gleason's Lover's Portfolio (wno 
1619, the haunting Ports of Paradise (ro 1447. 


And see your record dealer for Capitol’s new color catalog...a perfect guide to holiday gift giving. 


Give Capitol Christmas albums. Give beautiful music, filled 
with all the joy and happiness of Christmas, in magnificent 
performances by Tennessee Ernie Ford, Nat King Cole, Jackie 
Gleason, and many others, In addition co the albums shown, 
listen to Tennessee Ernie Ford's The Star Carol Gyr 1071, Fred 
Waring's Now is the Caroling Season (уут 896, the traditional 
music of A German Christmas (Бут 10308, The Music of Christmas 
er 8393 featuring the world famous Hollywood Bowl Sym- 
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87 


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PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: ALB F RT SCHWEITZ ER 


a candid conversation with africa's enigmatic doctor of the body and soul 


Albert Schweitzer is a quadruple doc- 
lor — of music, theology, philosophy and 
medicine. He had authored several de- 
finitive religious texts and had been 
named principal of Strasbourg Theologi- 
cal College before he reached 30. He was 
also—and still is— recognized as the 
world’s foremost authority on organ 
architecture, as an eminent Bach scholar, 
апа as a celebrated interpreter of Bach's 
organ music. At the age of 38, in the 
full maturity of his multifaceted intel 
lectual powers — culminating an eight- 
year period of spiritual stoch-taking 
— Schweitzer. elected to renounce the 
personal rewards and material blandish- 
ments of the Continent for a life of 
dedication to the sick in the jungles of 
French Equatorial Africa. Today, а! а 
vigorous 88, he is acknowledged as one 
of the foremost philosophers of our age 
—and perhaps its most controversial 
medical figure. 

A man of Schweitzer's stature might 
seem inhumanly Olympian if his tower- 
ing intellectual and moral virtues did not 
shadow all-too-human shortcomings. He 
himself concedes that he is “arrogant” 
and “lacking in love"; he has been ас- 
cused of ruling his tropical mission as a 
benevolent dictator; of countenancing 


51 = 


“The United Nations had no right to 
intervene in Katanga. Katanga is a state 
in ils own right and My. Tshombe is a 
wise and very competent individual. Un- 
fortunately, he is also a very sick m 


the most unsanitary hospital conditions 
in Africa; of being more interested in 
the welfare of animals than that of human 
beings; and of clinging to a Kipling- 
esque tradition of big-brother colonial- 
ism. Few, however, will deny that he is 
one of the handful of great men our 
century has produced. 

In the hope of probing the uncharted 
depths of this universal man, PLAYROY 
dispatched a special correspondent on а 
1500-mile safari which ended with а 
journey by dugout canoe up the swirl. 
ing Ogooue River from the squalid 
timber village of Lambaréné 10. the 
sandy beach in front of Schweitzer’s 
jungle hospital. Beyond the beach stood 
the dark, smoky haspital buildings — sur 
rounded by a dusky sea of goats, chickens, 
patients and their relatives, dotted with 
the bobbing white pith helmets which 
Schweitzer insists оп as headgear for his 
medical staf). 

Our three-day interview began at the 
hospital, where "le grand docteur" was su 
pervising construction of a new residence 
building; it continued іп (he dining 
here he and the staff shared din- 
ner at a long refectory table, and where 
evenings he played his antique piano and 
read the Bible aloud in German by the 


room 


pe 


ъа 


“I want, before 1 die, to sce all atomic 
weapons banned, no matter who makes 
them or what name they give them. This 
is the only posible hope [or mankind 
if we are to avoid self-destruction.” 


light of a green-shaded paraffin-oil lamp. 
It resumed the following day at the 
nearby leper colony—built with his 
Nobel Peace Prize winnings — en. route 
to which he insisled оп walking ahead 
of the car to shoo chickens out of harm’s 
way; and concluded in the hospital dis- 
pensary, where he sits for several hours 
cach day attempting to diminish a moun- 
lainous backlog of unanswered cor- 
respondence from the outside world, 
while behind him a tattered little dele- 
gation of natives queued up for pills 
and potions, We first queried him about 
his half-century of isolation in his adopt- 
ed homeland. 


PLAYBOY: Dr, Schw. 
key years in African history 
been silent about. African 
the exception of a statement on 
tanga. Some persons have said your lile 
in а small and isolated corner of Africa 
has prevented you from seeing the full 
course of African development. Do you 
feel that living here in the forest divorces 
you from outside event 

SCHWEITZER: No, | am not at all cut off; 
but you will probably agree that i is 
sometimes better to maintain silence. 1 
spoke out on the Congo because it is an 


last few 


er, in the 


“Basically, men іп Africa are looking 
for the same things as men in India or 
China or the U.S. A. The surroundings 
may differ... but really, all people want 
is a way of life, a religion." 


89 


PLAYBOY 


important matter and 1 was horrified to 
sce what was happening. The Congo has 
Iways been a mess, ever since the d 


too ci 


of the 19th Century ever to surviv 


single entity, a complete and living coun- 
ау. Even now, even with the assistance 
he is гессікі Adoula is not rol. 


Not by any mca 

nd disintegrati 

сап do can hold it together 

Nor should it bc held together. It is 

doomed by its own artificiality. It is 
but these things do not seem io 


ople. Th ed States, 
nple. is compulsively pouring 
into such a country. Why? After 
all, this is not just token aid, not just 
the sort of money sent to show dis 
sionate good will. И is vast sums of 
попсу and huge assemblies of 
ment which are involved. 1 c 
think that this is being done because the 
United States has this fixed idea, this 
obsession, that if it does not flood Africa 
with money, then all Aficans will im- 
ediately become Cou . But, my 
friend, Africans will never become Com- 
munists. Because communism is too arti- 

al— too much like the Congo itself 
way — too much an alla 


yunis 


no, communism is 


n spirit. No. 
not for Africa — certainly not the commu- 
nism people comprehend in other parts 
of the world. 

PLAYBOY: Some people 
microcosm reflectit 


v Africa as a 
difficulties con- 
fronting the rest of the workl. Do you? 
SCHWEITZER: On a certain plane, yes, 1 


suppose so. Basically, me 
looking for the same things as men in 
or China or the United States of 


America. The surroundings difler and 
the manifestations, of course, may be 
more violent at a time of immense po- 
litical ch But really, all people want 
is a way of life, a religi 

PLAYBOY: As an observer of the African 
situation, what solution do you scc? 
SCHWEITZER: My friend, | am not a 
prophet. But time will certainly br 
tion suitable to the African h 
and that will the 
quicker if the pressures tugging the Afri 
can this w id that are removed. The 
solution will not come with stupiditics 
such as the United Nations’ intervention 
іп Katai 
this. 1 


оп. 


solution 


come 


е Assassins! Ka- 
tang: state in its own right and Mr 
Tshombe is a wise and very competent 
individual. Unfortunately he is also а 
very sick There is no sound reason 
why he should not have bee lowed to 
establish his own. self-contained state. 
Dag Hammarskjold, although he was a 
very great m other respects, made 
grave © over Kat; I think he 
himself realized this because he sent me 


ram just a few days before his 
h saying he was forced into the Ka- 
tangan war. In the long term, what has 
chieved by the war in Katanga? 
be the situ. 


ion there in one 
ır or two, when all the United Nations 
troops have been removed, perhaps not 


only from Katanga itself but from the 


rest of the Congo. As | said, Mr. 
haps he will 
his own 


ary, So what has the fighting and 
bloodshed achi 


this is a respect for all forms of lif 
the highest to the lowest. Isn't this doc- 
tine incompatible with the daily needs 
of men? And isnt it particularly at odds 
with your own work as а doctor? 
SCHWEITZER: Who is to say which is the 
highest form and which is the lowes? 
Are you going to draw a line and siy 
“Below this, life does not matter"? You 
not have a scale of values making that 
ı higher than this goat. Mankind 


must accept that mystery of our life 
which sometimes makes the taking of 
life inevitable. Yes. it is true that a 


doctor is faced with continual and puz- 
zling difficulties. A n has life, but so 
does a microbe, And sometimes it is 
essary to kill that microbe to 
1 and this involves a decision. The 
an with reverence for life must 
cept the responsibility for destroying that 
life. А man must think and meditate not 
only about the mysteries of his own life 
but about the links between his own life 
and the multitude of other lives around. 
him. He must learn not only to considci 
and have respect for his own life but lor 
all other life forms. And this need not 
be difficult. Because the m: ks, 
and keeps thinking, is almost bound to 
ess from awareness md respect for 
his own life to sharp awareness of the 
lives around him. 

PLAYBOY: Was this basic principle of your 
philosophy + as you just 
called it— always in the back of your 
mind, or does it date only from your 
mbarénée? 

Whether it was alwa 
mind, who can say? But certai 
here that it became clear, while I w 
the river, tha 
my mind which clarified 
id resolved my stru; 
ence to my point of view. 
remember, incredible to me thai 
not been thought of by others, but only 
by an imbecile like me. 

PLAYBOY: You have long n should 
he governed by the rule of reason, and 
you have added that civilized man must 
follow for he must not lic, 
must not ste: 10 v: per op- 
erty, and to be kind to . Don't 


ec- 
ave the 


ac 


1 who tl 


w 


you feel that this quartet should De ex- 
panded to include, mes to 
human beings: 
SCHWEITZER: Surely respect for human be- 
ings follows naturally from respect for 
iple ave me 
y an outline, not a com- 
plete philosophy of life. But if you 
follow through the deep implic 
for example, of kindness to an 
love of God must surely follow. 

PLAYBOY: Do you feel that formal re- 
gion, and in particular, Christianity, is 
still a major force in the world? 
SCHWEITZER: No, it is not; not in a true 
с only to look at the wars 
kind is now and then en- 
this could not happen 


longing Гог religion 
people. Especially since the 
the letters | receive show 
gion. Christ last сеп- 
and at present is often untrue to 
itself, It has lost the essential element 
of willingness to love, and of reaching 
communion with God through that will- 
i 


man 


nes; 
PLAYBOY: If Christianity has in the last 
century become untrue to itself, would 
you say that the ideals of the last century 
are now worthle: 
SCHWEITZER: An ide ch has truc 
merit cannot be worthless or out-of date. 
Time has no impact on the true. ideal. 
But it can become obscured, and that is 
often what h Mankind t0- 
day is techni ıt but often 
lly empty because the habit of 
ental thought has been 
doned. Yet fundamental and r 
thinking is essential for n 
reach true Men must discover 
for themselves, in thcir ow the 
truth of existence. Or must fry to 
discover it and up here, here in their 
inds, explore the mysteries of the 
world. They must struggle against. that 
spirit of the age which ties to submerge 
independent thought 


WATENESS. 


minds, 


they 


«ісі ы, 


et 


This struggle is supremely important. 

PLAYBOY: Dr. Schweitzer, at the moment 
of your greatest recognition in the a 
demic worlds you had chosen, you sud 
denly embarked on а new career. Was 
this — as some persos 


because of an unreq 
ш of inadequacy and 
Or was it your reaction to what 


you just called the “spirit of the 
SCHWEITZER gestions have be 
made before; but really, the story is 
simple one although a little long. 1 de- 
cided early that my life up to the age of 
bout 30 would be to do as I wished; 
but after that, it would be for my fellow 
men. As to why I chose to be a doctor, here 
in Lam né, this I have explained in 
Out of My Life and Thought. | wanted 
to apply im а material way a Christian 


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not with taste of its own, but 

with smart. smooth, undetectable 
spirit. This real difference is why 
the people who discovered vodka 
are now asking for Gilbey's more 
and more. Sensibly priced, too. 


MARTINI (Basie) — Stir 4 parts 
Githey's Vodka, 1 part Cinzano 

dry Vermouth in lots of 

ive. Pour into well-chilled 

Martini glass. Add onion. olive or twist 
of lemon peel, if desired. 


PLAYBOY 


92 


Did 

you ever 
see 

a barber 
with — 
dandruff? 


) 


‘Maybe your barber doesn’t know 
all about nuclear physics—but 
he sure knows all about hair. 


So how come every profes- 
sional barber in America sells 
Stephan Dandruff Remover 
Hair Lotion—and uses it, too? 
Because it really works—that’s 
how come! And it’s easy. Rub 
Stephan in—rub itchy dandruff 
out — then just comb. Keeps 
hair in place, too. 


STEPHAN 


is Sold Everywhere... 
Drug Stores, Supermarkets... 


and all Barber Shops 
UP _ 
DANDRUFF 
REMOVER 


4 


“Plain” for normal hair * “With Oil" for dry hair 


concept of love, and medicine seemed the 
obvious course, Lambaréné was not, of 
course, always part of. my ambition. It 
was only alter I read about the dillicul- 
the P: 
having here in find 
n 


is Missionary Society w 
g a stall, after the 
sion had been established by some 
Americans, that I chose. Equatorial Af- 
rica. 1 think it was the right choice, 
here, human beings 
ing to exist and needed help. 
PLAYBOY: Dr. Schweitzer, your hospital 
is now 50 years old. In the past few years, 
it has been severely criticized by some 
visitors who say it is dirty, primitive and 
ineficient, It has been alleged that crates 
ol mode left to spoil 
in the open and never used. 

SCHWEITZER: I never reply to that sort of 
criticism. But so far as drugs are con- 
cerned you can look for yourself — here, 
in the dispensary. You see, every con 
signment of drugs is carefully put on the 
shelves and issued as needed. I have here 
about four-hundred. patients, not many 
nurses and only about six doctors— 
ics more, sometimes less, because 
y doctors come as visitors for a short 
time from all over the world. This year 
we have had a great American dentist, 
for example, and there is a Japanese 
doctor running the leper village two 
kilometers away. I have 
hospital suitable to the circumstances of 
the forest. Many of the people who come 
here have never seen anything of civiliza- 
tion before and to throw them into a 
European type of hospital would make 
them feel str ad shocked. Here, 
they are surrounded by their families, by 
people they know. At the same time, the 
relatives who come with them cin look 
after many of their physical needs. 
PLAYBOY: Looking back on a long, full 
life, do you have any regrets? 
SCHWEITZER; No, I have no regrets. I never 
have regrets because they are pointless 
and negative. 

PLAYBOY: It is some time since your 1 
book was published. Are you writing zi 
other at the moment 
SCHWEITZER; Oh now, my friend, you do 
not ask a woman if she is pregnant... ! 
There are many things I wish to say still, 
especially about nuclear disarmament 
But a book? You had better wait and sve. 
PLAYBOY: You have said that the great 
secret of success is to go through life “as 
a man who never gets used up." Though 
you have achieved much, what do you 
feel you still have to do? 
SCHWEITZER: All the time I am allowed 
to remain here on earth 1 want to con- 
nue building my hospital. There 
much to do: always so much. And build- 
ing with the hands is satisfying — and 
creative. Арам from that, there is the 
1 want, before 1 die, to see all 
atomic weapons banned, no matter who 
makes them or what especial name they 
give them. This is the only possible hope 


ties 


s 


were 


1 drugs have bee 


man 


ied to create а 


bomb. 


for mankind if we are to avoid self-de- 
struction. Already 1 have fought against 
this insanity for several years with my 
friend. Bertrand Russell and others. 
PLAYBOY: What you arc asking for is not 
just a ban on tests, but a ban on 
weapons altogether. Do you think there 
is a prospect of achieving this? 
SCHWEITZER: It is not just a question of 
hope: we must achieve it. Do you want 
mankind to be obliterated? 

PLAYBOY: You have said that you do not 
intend to leave Lambaréné again. Don't 
you think you would be more effective 
if you personally urged this ban during a 
visit to Europe or Americ 
SCHWEITZER: No. 1 shall not go away. An 
English university wanted me to go there 
this year but 1 told them the same thing. 
This is my home, this is where 1 am 
needed most and in any case, there is по 
difficulty in communicating with people. 
I spend several hours a day writing let 
ters and my staff helps me. I am in almost 
constant touch with others regarding the 
bomb and I cannot see how my physical 
presence away from Lambaréné could be 
of particular help. 

PLAYBOY: Let us assume for а moment 
that the world docs succeed in banning 
atomic weapons. We would still possess 
many means of waging war, and would 
still be possessed of many causes which 
might provoke conflict. Considerin 
differences which split the world, do you 
think war can be averted? 

SCHWEITZER: My friend, we must hope so. 
But deep-down among men, you know, 
the differences are not always as great 
as they appea 
quick! — look at those two chickens fight 
ing under the tree. Sce how they rush at 
one another, make a big noise and rufle 
their feathers... and what? You 
see, its all over. It was just bluff, just 
noise, Big nations are like those chickens. 
They also like to make big noises. But 
often it means по more than two 
kens, squabbling under a tree. 
PLAYBOY: But in today's world, innocent 
bluffs and squabbles — through misunder 
standing or miscalculation — can quickly 
explode into global war, so much so 
that some persons ha to jue 
man's progress solely in terms of w 


tomic 


the 


on the surface. Look — 


now, 


© come 


ap 
ons. Do you think that man's historical 
predilection toward warfare belies the 
concept that he is basically good? 
SCHWEITZER: Why should man exist if he is 
bad? АП living things have an с 
goodness, but in mankind, his true. na- 
ture is often largely submerged, like a log 
in the river, by the environment he has 
created about him. But simply because it 
is submerged docs not mean that idealism 
docs not exist and. despite times of pes 
simism I think the day will come when 
that idealism is allowed its full function 


and lowering. 


emental 


Springmaid did that. 


‘We can’t vouch for the kiss, 

bur Springmaid definitely put the White in white-collar. 

How? Experience, dear. 

On the shirt front, no white is quite as famous, 

or forthat matter, quite as white. 

Because Springmaid cottons have gone into 

the nation’s white shirts and sheets, too, for generations. 

Not blue-white. True white. 

"That does deserve a kiss, doesn't it? But on the cheek this time. 
His wife is jealous. 


SPRINCMAID FABRICS, I4 WEST млн STREET, NY C 


] rather fight than switch!” 


Get your friends to join the Unswitchables: 
give Tareytons for Christmas 


— 7070407 Б... | 


ie "“Cawreytorr селеу 
Product of The American faece Company — бесе is our тие ame с.) 


GIFTING THE GIRLS 


Sor a golden yule: a guide for guys on pleasing their playmates By ROBERT L. GREEN 


BEFORE RINGING HIS CHRISTMAS BELLES to announce he’s Santa sans pareil this year, the knowledgeable geneman 


tion of 


will be pretty particular in the presents of cach particular pretty. The golden yule cally for recog 
wide т 


iday d 


includes 


each playmate's. individuality, for the gilt that's uniquely hers. Even if present comp 


recipients and shopping time is limited, you can still find the favor that fits and reap h 


of deservi: 


dends all through the year. 
Start by reshuffling the black book to yield 
ted to being “in.” Your gilt should be, too. 


breakdown by type. For instance: the lile of the ultraleminine, 


cate is dedic 


long-fingernailed sophis 


rl executive is tailored to brisk efficiency 


The career-happy rising young id tempered by an addiction to 


success; the clue to gilting her is the status symbol. 


at outdoors is reflected in the studied carelessness of her clothes, coiffure 


st in the gr 


‘The sportswoman's inter 


and at 


ude. Spectator or participant she's a n 
The vibrant, enthusiastic perennial child woman is a well of laughter and fun; this good-humor girl will 


те girl. and your gilt should support this role. 


From left: Broadcloth buttondown shirt, by Reor, from lelt: Troin cose, $92.50; suit- From left: Eleciric-eye 35mm comero, 1/28 lens, 
Brooks Brothers, $12.50. Mole overblouse, cose, $117.50; hat/shoe box, $105; oll in by Fujico, $99.50. Zebra Поз, by Rigoud, $25. 
by Mork Cross, $125. Eight-piece manicure Duro leather, by Seeger. Front: Cordon — Sweoler,by Ployboy Produc s, $1B. Pepper mill, 
set, leother cose, from Hoffritz, $18.50. Bleu 4-trock stereo record /playback tope by Rigaud, $15. Tokashimaya coffee warmer, 
Mohair sweater, by Robert Leoder, $45. recorder, oll in one unit, by RCA, $200. $18 Stereo tuner-omplifier, Бу Bogen, 55801 


enjoy the frivolous gift. 
The articulate, opinionated intellectual who is ardently political and prefers the Bolshoi to golf, may be a 
bit snobbish; bear this in mind when selecting her cadeau de Noël. 


Once you've categorized the ladies in your yule log. you're well on the way to selecting the correct Christm 
cumshaw — the gilt that cries out that only you know the real her. But before. plunging headlong into the 
Chrisunastide, think for a moment how well you know cach pretty paramour, and how well you want to know her 

If the ink is still wet in your address book, an inexpensive token associated with the way you met would be 
appropriate. I cocktail chatter concerned а favorite musician, a waxing by him would wear well: il you spoke ol 
Africa, a small, muscum-produced objet would suit; if you spoke of travel, select the best guidebook vou can find. 

If you're always glad to sec her but aren't carrying the torch, the less personal gift 
of its high platonic content; costume jewelry, books, records, hand luggage, h 
fall into this category. 

П you plan. presentation 


ty be desirable becausc 
ndkerchiels and travel clocks all 


private weekend retre 
ardrobe items such i 


t, the y 
the custom-tailored suit or the [ur-trimmed р: 


letide yardstick calls for something more per 
ka fill 


M 
up fall linge 


sonal: furs, jewels, 
the need here. In this same 

Ifher a 
hostess gown when you can select an offbeatprint shift which is practical and chic. Anything sartoria 


1 impor 


and negligees = but only if you've lingered negligently. 
tment is no larger than a converted Viciorian bathroom, don't burden her with a wide-skirt quilted 


should 


95 


96 


be considered in terms of its upkeep: that which must be hustled off to the cleaners after each wearing would 
be taboo for m 
hinted her eagerness to own a dog, са 
to monsters of responsibility and expense. Also anathema is anything even remotely suggesting she could 
согу fall electri 
ishings, be guided by what she already owns 


ny girls. In fact, no gift should add to the expense column of her budget. Unless she has boldly 
or parakeet, skip it; 


mles furry creatures have а habit of transform- 


In this 


azors, soap, glamor courses and exercise equipment. 


In furniture and fu d avoid superimposing your own taste 
on hers, A Calder mobile or a Jackson Pollock original would be perfect if Herman Miller 
ture, but would disappoint if her decor was Louis XVI. 


nd Knoll Associates 


are responsible for her fu 

Don't buy a diamond ring, no matter what the size, unless you mean to become engaged; give a jeweled pin 
instead. And don't make the fatal error of being influenced by size alone; the finest of its kind makes the Jasting 
gift — no matter how small. She'll much more appreciate a simple gold lapel pin from Cartier or Tiffany than 


the most glittering piece of junk jewelry. The big-name jewelers have learned 1 
gift bars now offer less expensive items — packaged with the same elegance as their best jewelry. 
If your girl is very rich in her own right, don't try to compete with her wealth — a moderately priced 


marketing lesson, and thei 


From left: Battery-operated transistor clock, From left: Му Sin, Lanvin, 1 oz, $17.50, Joy, From left: Lap robe, Argentine mountain cot, 
by Secticon, $70. Folding travel chessboord, Jean Patou, 2% ozs., $125. Chanel No. 5, from Pinata Porty, $250. Swivel mirror, by 
leather cose ond magnetic chessmen, by Mark В ozs, $120. Playmate, Playboy Products, Ye Rigaud, $45. Travel jewelry cose, leother, from 
Cross, 99.95. ladies’ leather passport cose, oz, $15. Hypnatique, Max Factor, 1% ozs, Mark Cross, $100. Pearl necklace, by Richelieu, 
saddle stitching, from Alfred Dunhill, $16.95. — $25.Filled'Eve, Jacqueline Cochran, 1.30zs,$30. $16. Pear lighter, from Evans Cose Co., $21.50. 


tive gift from a name store would be more effective in this case than a more expensive item from a 
el emporium. 
While we're 1 


ng don'ts, remember that she may have some obvious personal ones which could embarrass 
if you ignored them. These include: по earrings if her сой covers the ears; no bug or animal jewelry until you're 
sure about her attitude toward a bug or animal: no classical records or cultural tomes if her interests run to pop 
shion magazines. 

Perso ed gifts add the necessary element of uniqueness; monogrammed initials, for instance, can tum. 
perfectly ordinary stationery into a really thoughtful and appreciated present. You can add the personal touch in 
many ways: try a custom handbag to match her favorite suit or coat, a set of luxury coat hangers padded in 


vocalists and 


From left: Double-breosted wool suit, low-belted coot with smoll lopels, lined skirt, [rom Јох, Gift wrapping for the sportive gir: Pull- 
$220. Empress chinchilla sweetheart cape, Oleg Cassini design, Irom Evans Furs, $2295. Alliga- over middy porko, for ski or après-ski, in 
tor handbag, by Mork Cross, $230. Camel's-hair suit, flared skirt, completely lined, from Jax, $215. — noturol Bolivian vicuña, by Ben Kahn, $450. 


the decor of her pad, or а favorite 
print (а favorite of hers, not yours) 
framed to complement her apartment 
«olor scheme. If there's a book which has 
special meaning for the two of you, have 
а copy bound in leather. 

Remember that custom-tailored. gifts 
must be ordered early. Monogramming 
can usually be done in less than а week 
and during the holidays most stores set 
up for three-day ser 
ceptable, but there are other ways 
to use engraving effectively: nicknames, 
the date you met, the first words of a sig: 
nificant message, notes of your favorite 
sons. or your telephone number on a 
silver desk pad. For variety, try 
hisand-hers brandy snifters, а written 


- Initials are al 


ways 


sterlin 


message on a lighter, or a verse of favor 
ite poetry on a crystal cigarette box. The 
gifts that can be personalized are cnd- 
less: cocktail shakers and glasses 
bookmarks, gold car keys, handker 
chiefs, place mats, hand mirrors, brushes 


combs, sc 


arves, letter openers, compacts 
blouses. desk sets, photo albums, passport 
cases, portfolios, tea services. 

Make sure your yule log includes street 
addresses as well as names: you may 
stumble on an unexpected find which 
can be giftwrapped and sent directly 
Bring your own pen, and carry your per- 
sonal card to include in the gift pack 


Because you're not alone in vour shop 
ping, many top stores offer male-oriented 
shopping services, Here consultants will 
go over your list, accompany you through 
the store, and help you make your selec 
tions. Usually charming 
able, these girls are quite prepared to 
cope with the man who announces 
“Here's my list — twenty gifts—1 only 
have an hour." Many stores have sepa. 
rate areas for men only where you will 
be surrounded with suitable 


and knowled 


gifts, invited 
to relax and have cocktail while a 
skilled “sales friend” reviews your list 
and discreetly inquires about the girls in 
question. Specialty shops often have a 
men-only night before Christmas, where 
a showing of lingerie and similar items 
will give you a chance to visualize various 
articles on varying figures. In most cities 


you can find professional shopping serv- 
ices in the classified phone book. Make a 
telephone appointment and, for a fee, а 
consultant will go over your list, suggest 
items, shop for you, even have the pack 
ages wrapped and delivered, 


If you shop yourself, pay special atten 
tion to departmentstore sections which 
cater 10 women's particular interests. 
These shops-within-astore usually con 
sist of: the boutique shop — small items 
collected from far-flung craftsmen: the 
gourmet shop— tinned, glassed and 
packaged food to suit the most exotic 
taste; the bar shop — decanters, 


ARTHUR WHITELAW PRACTICALLY LIVES IN THE THEATER. At 23, he's alr ly pr 
duced one musical hit—Best Foot Forward—and he's got another sure thing lined 
up for this season: a revival of Cabin in the Sky. But Art's preoccupation with 
the spectacular simmers down when it comes to choosing clothes. Instead he 
prefers the cool traditional cut of Cricketeer. Natural shoulders. Pleatless 
trousers. Contrasting-color vest. Trust Art to pick a hit. CRICKETEER* 


teer worsted ard mohair suit with contrastirg-color vest, about $70.00. Other Cricketeer s 
to $75.00. At your favorite store, or write Cricketeer, 1290 Avenue of the Americas, New York, N.Y 


ts from $60.00 


PLAYBOY 


swizzlers and all the other bar accessories: 
and the perfume bar, providing all the 
name brands and some special holiday 
packages as well. 

To protect yourself from the pi 
last minute oversight and to avoid being 
embarrassed by the unexpected gi 
friend with the unexpected present. buy 
a few extra all-purpose gifts (handsomely 
wrapped, of course), such as a glass 
paperweight, a Florentineleather jewel 
box. or perhaps а set of handkerchiefs. 
you can will 
day with perlume — eminently available, 
usually found on the ground floor near 
the door, always іп pocketsize packages. 
ve her 
simple 
name of 


cunial 


the 


save 


the her 


is it" will provoke an automatic answer, 
id you'll be able to respond in kind, 
choosing perfume, cologne, toilet wa 


ter, оға Combination. H you weren't lar- 
sighted lear her favorite, 
here's guide: heavy musk 


perfume, sweetly clinging and possibly 
Oriental, suits the sophisticate; for the 
career girl, spicy or citrus fragrances ar 
more appropriate; the outdoor type will 
go lor woodsy or ferny scents, while the 
delicate. dainty will preter light, multi- 
Moral fragrances. 

You're well on the way to the perfect 
present if whatever you give her is beau- 
tifully wrapped. Virtually all department 
stores have a special gilt wrapping service 
which u Skilled 
hands will here transform even a modest 
box of handkerchiels into a gala gilt 
You can leave the aesthetics of the job 
to the wrapper, but once again, its more 


ends mere bow-tyii 


elective to impart the personal touch: 
her 


favorite color combi 
atire or apartment de- 
cor) quest that these be used for 
that exta. subliminal touch. 

If you're still unable to envisage the 
particular gift for the particular girl, 
here are some specie suggestions. As a 


fe of garb, fur is always the most flat 


remember 


tering and the most appreciated. The 


able, mink and chinchilla 
come in many forms (from coats, to 
mulls, to soles, to collars) and prices. 
Also check the jackets 
in offbeat furs. Depending on the girl, 
consider a hooded wildcat jacket, a short 
coat in yellow borrego (South American 
lamb) or a boldly marked black-and- 
white pony middy blouse, collared i 
black sable. Furs can look great and not 
сом а fortune sistible to most 
women would be a black- or red-fos 
barrel mull with matching. toque — sev- 
enty-two inches of red-fox boa to trail 
down the aisle of a theater: a thr 
I of natural Nigerian serva 

) Western style: or a tri- 


classics. of 


casual coats and. 


cor. 
nered sci 
Cab to w 


angular leopard scarf trimmed black 
velvet. 

If she glories in gadgetry there 
infinite variety — ranging Пот 
openers to glass shirredegg covers. Try 
an elecuric pencil sharpener, an indoor 
putting green, or a traveler's Scrabble 
set with magnetized letters. From the 
specialty shop you can get her imported 
poultry or kitchen shears, a gold-colored 


an 
clam 


ch 
TV switch. Be 
ware, however, the et that’s too 
adgety for simple feminine mastery. 
For the classicist, there's a new v 
sion of an old favorite, a 
Florentine grid which recreates the hum- 
ble waflle in Cellini arabesques. TE vou 
and your playmate have had a disagree 
ment — personal, intellectual, or politi- 
cal — send a bronze hand of Buddha in 
the classic gesture of peace (it's an 
cient statuary fragment reproduced at 
reasonable price); if she is the best of 
breed and already has everything worth 
having, wy a tiny circular bedroom rug — 
of sable: and, for the shutterbug, an 
extra slide-storage box with a request 
for a private screening. И she harks back 
to the good old days, gift her with sticks 
а handled топор 
pressed flower. à 
agement im an old daguerreotype 
frame. Conversation pieces range from 
stiron kitchen matchbox to a set of 
imas candles— one for cach of the 
twelve days. Ш she has a craving for 
making entrances: a chinhigh stack of 
moth-ball-size pearls. For the girl who 
is always ten minutes late — you can 
select timepieces ranging. from an over 
size belt clock to а tiny akunrcock lapel 
pin. Decorative items you might choosc: 
am alabaster apothecary jar. for cigarettes 
or candy: a bamboo Regency tub to hold 
wine; a lacquer chest for blankets. or 
liquor; а gold-and-silver checkers set; 
and French desk accessories fash 
from old bookbi 
papers. 

If the girls on your list ski. the stores 
are bursting with clothes for slope and 


am 


ncd 


dings, ormolu and end 


lodge: you might consider а parka of 
natural Patagonian fox. Is there a horse- 


woman on your list? Seek out a variation 
of the working cowboys jacket, waist 
length. in gold-sueded cowhide, lined 
with fleece. Also check the umbrella 
world: for sheer, opulent elegance. you 
can find a model with sterling-silver 
handle tipped with a gi M (lake, 
of course); thoughtful and stylish is the 
umbrella with matching scart. 

Endless varieties ol food — ranging 
from the FruitoFthe-Month to a per 
sonally selected larder of gourmet pro 
vender — make ideal giis. A window-sill 
garden of herbs (chives, basil, parsh 


ater 


rosemary, thyme and cherry toma 
dividual pots) will challen 
cook and flatter ап ordinary one. For a 
personal touch, give a file of recipes to 
relish — including a selection of your 
own favorite meals, and recipes (гот 
restaurants where you've both enjoyed 
the spécialité. To make a good cook 
better and а better опе best, try an 
oaken elect ice-cream freezer or a 
fireside plugin corn popper. Glassware 

Iso makes a charming and ellective gilt: 
y a set of specially glasses— brands, 
Delmonico and Pilsner to start. Still in 
the accessories area, try am asparagus 
steamer, hand-finished chopping board, 
latest corkscrew for the stubborn- 
est bottle (this you will package with a 
favorite wine, of course). 

By sending the extreme you can offer 
a unique gilt. Buy her gloves, but make 
it a collection in every shade of brown 
from caramel through taupe. Buy her silk 
scinves — thre them) pushed 

mo a leather box which ор 
cascade of color. Buy her the la 
Mexican glass bowl and fill it with a 
salad of garden-colored cashmere sweat- 
crs; buy her a painting — the smallest 
min you find, or a famous 
largest size available. Buy 
tiny candelabrum with a set of can- 
an enormous bottle of champagne, 
“dozen chrysanthemums. 

By themselves, gilt certificates are un- 
imaginative and = cold — but all this 
chan bit of flair. A gift certifi- 
cate for something [rom a creative jew. 
cler can be sent with an empty jewel 
box and the note "M. Buccellatti is wait- 
ng for your call” Make your arrange- 
nents privately with the designer as to 
price and billing 

Women constantly hint of their pleas- 
ures — just listen to her small talk and 
you'll find directions. If she chatters 
about sports, her apartment, her cat, her 
love of jazz, the theate arc these 
lated. 


or the 


dozen. ol 


ише can 


print 


ies with a 


chance 
d any gilt v 
to them will please her. 

Be very careful about the practical 
be a ppointment. In- 
terestingly enough, one girl's practical 
be anothers 1 
? ask her direetly what she 
wants — you'll only cause a negative re 
action complicated by her not knowing 
the amount you want to spend: you'll 
abo eliminare the important clement ol 


disa 


conversatic 


al gilt for the one 
Christmas Eve presenta- 
tion. Now that you've filled all the other 
stockings, you can nestle at hearthside 
for a long winters пір with the chosen 
one, content with the knowledge that in 
world where it's better to give than 10 
receive, you have given the best. 


WHAT SORT OF MAN READS PLAYBOY? 


A discerning young city dweller with an elegant eye for luxurious living, the PLAYBOY reader is as 
selective with his appointments as he is with his dates. And he settles on only the best when it comes 
to making an impression in the right quarters. Facts: With a median household income of over $10,000, 
he has the money and manner to live life well-upholstered, can easily afford the fine furnishings com- 
patible with his social and business status. To move your product with success, use the magazine 
he lives by—PLAYBOY. (Source: 1962 Playboy Male Reader Survey by Benn Management Corp.) 


Advertising Offices: New York е Chicago е Detroit • Los Angeles е San Francisco * Atlanta 


fiction By RAY BRADBURY 


SATION 


never come back to the silly damn dull routines” 


T WAS А DAY as fresh as grass growing 

up and clouds going over and butter- 

flies coming down could make it. It 

was a day compounded of silences of 
bee and flower and ocean and land, 
which were not silences at all, but mo- 
tions, stirs, flutters, risings, fallings, each 
in their own time and matchless rhythm. 
The land did not move, but moved. The 
sca was not still, yet was still. Paradox 
flowed into paradox, stillness mixed with 
stillness, sound with sound. The flowers 
vibrated and the bees fell in separate and 
small showers of golden rain on the 
dover. The seas of hill and the seas of 
ocean were divided, each from the other's 
motion, by a railroad track, empty, com- 
pounded of rust and iron marrow, a 
track on which, quite obviously, no train 
had run in many years. Thirty miles 
north it swirled on away to farther mists 
of distance, thirty miles south it tun- 
neled islands of cloud shadows that 
changed their continental positions on 
the sides of far mountains as you watched. 

Now, suddenly, the railway track be- 
gan to tremble. 

A blackbird, standing on the rail, felt 
a rhythm grow faintly, miles away, like 
a heart beginning to beat. 

The blackbird leaped up over the sea. 

The rail continued to vibrate softly 
until at long last around a curve and 
along the shore came a small workman's 
handcar, its two-cylinder engine popping 
and spluttering in the great silence. 

Оп top of this small four-wheeled car, 
оп а double-sided bench facing in two 
directions and with a little surrey roof 
above for shade, sat a man, his wife and 
all seven-year-old son. As the 
waveled through lonely stretch 
after lonely stretch, the wind whipped 
their eyes and blew their hair, but they 
did not look back but only ahead. Some- 
times they looked eagerly, as а curve 
unwound itself, sometimes with great 
sadness, but always watchful, ready for 
the next scene. 

As they hit a level straightaway, the 
machine's engine gasped and stopped 
abruptly. In the now-crushing silence, it 
seemed that the quiet of the earth, sky 
and sea itself, by its friction, brought the 
car to а wheeling halt, 

“Out of gas.” 

The man, sighing, reached for the ex- 
wa can in the small storage bin and be- 
gan to pour it into the tank. 

His wife and son sat quietly looking 
at the sea, listening to the muted thun- 
der the whisper, the drawing back of 
huge tapestries of sand, gravel, green 
weed and foam. 

"Isn't the sea nice?” said the woman. 

"1 like it,” said the boy. 

“Shall we picnic here, while we're at 
i" 


The man focused binoculars on the 
green peninsula ahead, 

“Might as well. The rails have rusted 
badly. There's a break ahead. We may 
have to wait while I set a few back in 
place." 

“Ав many as there are,” said the boy, 
"well have picnics! 

"The woman tried to smile at this, then 
turned her grave attention to the man. 
“How far have we come today?” 

"Not ninety miles" The шап sull 
peered through the glasses, squinting. 1 
don't like to go farther than that any 
one day, anyway. If you rush, there's no 
time to see. We'll reach Monterey day 
after tomorrow, Palo Alto the next day, 
if you want.” 

‘The woman removed her great shad- 
owing straw hat which had been tied 
over her golden hair with a bright yel 
low ribbon, and stood perspiring faintly, 
away from the machine. They had rid- 
den so steadily on the shudd 
car that the motion was sewn i 
bodies. Now, with the stopping, they felt 
odd, on the verge of unraveling. 

"Let's eat!” 

The boy ran with the wicker lunch 
basket down to the shore. 

The boy and the woman were already 
seated by a spread tablecloth when the 
man came down to them, dressed in his 
business suit and vest and tie and hat 
as if he expected to meet someone along 
the way. As he dealt out the sandwiches 
and exhumed the pickles from their cool 
grecn Mason jars, he began to loosen 
his tie and unbutton his vest, always 
looking around as if he should be care- 
ful and ready to button up again. 

“Are we all alone, Papa?" said the boy, 
cating. 

Yes" 
No one else, anywhere?" 

"No one else." 

"Were there people before?" 

“Why do you keep asking that? It 
wasn't that long ago. Just a few month 
You remember?” 

“Almost. If I try hard, then 1 don't 
remember at all.” The boy let a handful 
of sand fall through his fingers. "Were 
there as many people as there is sand 
here on the beach? What happened to 
them?” 

“I don't know," the man said, and it 
was true. 

They had wakened one morning and 
the world was empty. The neighbor's 
Clothesline was still swung with blowing 
white wash, cars gleamed in front of 
other seven-A.M. cottages, but there were 
no farewells, the Gty did not hum with 
its mighty arterial traffcs, phones did 
not alarm themselves, children did not 
wail in sunflower wi 

Only the night before he and his wife 


lcrnesscs. 


had been sitting on the [ront porch when 
the evening paper was delivered and, 
not even daring to open to the head- 
lines, he had said, “I wonder when He 
will get tired of us and just rub us all 
ош?” 

"It has gone pretty far,” she said. “On 
and on. We're such fools, aren't ме?” 

“Wouldn't it be nice*—he lit his 
pipe and puffed it— “if we woke to 
morrow and everyone in the world was 
gone and everything was starting over?” 
He sat smoking, the paper folded in his 
hand, his head resting back on the chair. 

ЗИ you could press a button right now 
and make it happen, would you?" 

"I think I would," he said. "Nothing 
violent Just have everyone vanish off 
the face of the earth. Just leave the land 
and the sea and the groving things like 
lowers and grass and fruit trees. And. 
the animals, of course, let them stay. 
Everything except man, who hunts when 
he isn't hungry, eats when full, and is 
mean when no one's bothered him." 

"Naturally," she smiled, quietly, "we 
would be left. 

“Vd like that,” he mused. “All of time 
ahead. The longest summer vacation in 
history. And us out for the longest picnic 
basket lunch in memory. Just you, me 
and Jim. No commuting. No keeping up 
with the Joneses. Not even a car. Га 
like to find another way of traveling, an 
older way . . . Then, а hamper full of 
sandwiches, three bottles of pop, pick up 
supplies where you need them from 
empty grocery stores im empty towns, 
and summertime forever up ahead . . ." 

They sat a long while on the porch in 
silence, the newspaper folded between 
them. 

At last she spoke. 

"Wouldn't we be lonely?" she said. 

So that's how it was the morni 
the first day of the new world. They hi 
awakened to the soft sounds of an с 
that was now no more than 
and the cities of the earth si 
into seas of saber grass, marigold, mar- 
guerite and morningglory. They had 
taken it with remarkable calm al first, 
perhaps because they had not liked the 
city for so many years and had had so 
many friends who were not nuly friends, 
and had lived a boxed and separate life 
of their own withii 

The husband 
the window a 


knowing this just by 
һай ceased to make. 
time over bre: 
id then the 
Now 1 must 


They took the 
for the boy was stil 


“Do? Why, why you'll go to work, of 
(concluded on page 110) 


WHAT A NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS! 


a hip updating of the clement moore classic starring the famous krofft puppets of "les poupées de paris” 


PHOTOGRAPHED FOR PLAYBOY BY MARIO CASILLE 


hristmas, when all through the house 
Not a creature was stirring, except Santa's spouse 

Who, shabby old house coat and curlers in hair, 

Was making S. С. wish that he wasn't there. 

"So the children were nestled all snug in their beds!" 

She shouted at him as she waved some blonde threads. 
"Now, patience, my dear,” pleaded Santa with pain, 

“IE you'll just let me speak, ГЇЇ try to explain. 


"Twas the night after 


"I left here on time, albeit quite shivery, 

Intending to make the Christmas delivery. 

But before my first stop, it became crystal clear 

That ahead of my sled were eight crazy reindeer! 
They bypassed the houses where 1 planned to go 

And finally dumped me right out in the snow 
Where, what with my wondering eyes should 1 sight, 
But a house full of girls—and a single red light! 


103 


“Hey girls! Look wh here!’ I heard one exclaim. 


And there rose such a cheer 1 was glad that I сате 
They dusted me off and invited me in, 


And their boss introduced them to me with a grin: 


‘Here's Pat, Midge and Fran and a loser named Vixen. 


(She's pregnant, drives an Edsel and voted for Nixon!) 
Here's Connie and Cuddles and Bubbles and Joye 
Now look them all over and then take your choice 


“Now, my dearest, you know that I could not agree 
To take one and not all of them . up on my knee. 
So I said to their leader, ‘It would be a crime 

If I didn't give all of your girls equal time.” 

She chuckled and said, ‘You're a helluva gent!’ 

And I lingered with them till ту... quite bent. 
Then before 1 departed 1 gave them their toys: 

Five sables, three ermines and a golden Rolls-Royce. 


you think, there's no reason to doubt 


spite wl 
That 1 planned to continue my regular route. 
But when lor my list I ventured to look, 
What should I find but a little black book! 
To hunt for my list I knew would take age 
So 1 used in its place that little book's pag: 
And though (as you know) I'm quick to c 
The first address led to the Lido in Paris. 


barrass, 


in that book included ‘Annette, 


and а yummy ‘Yvette.’ 
no guessing whom 


“Now, the nam 


"Beatrice, 'L 
But just which was which? There w: 


Until they all took me to their dressing room. 
And there I discovered Annette had a mole; 
Bea really was blonde; and Yvette wore a scroll 
Tattoved on her thigh that caused me to pause; 
For on it was written J'adore Santa Claus! 


“The evening rushed on in a dizzying whirl 

As the little black book led to girl after girl 

In Paris and London and L.A. and Vegas. 

And each of them had to eggnog and nutmeg us! 
(And I'm not to blame if their clothing was scanty, 
Or if they were all simply wild about Santy.) 
Thus it was that the sun rose over New York 

At the very same time I was leaving the Stork. 


4 


CITIES 4 
a 


“After that, Sugarplum, your jolly old gnome 
Hopped into his sleigh and ‘headed for home. 

Now, I've told you my story with patience and care; 
So I'm sure you'll excuse that bit of blonde hair.” 
"Indeed, I will not!" Mrs. Santa shot back. 

"Then, without a word she went straight to his pack 
And dumped out a doll you'll not find on a shelf! 
(Said Santa quite weakly: “It's just a new elf.”) 


v 


gy FER 


“A disgrace to your calling — that's what you arel” 
Mrs. Santa came on like an angry hussar. 

“There's only one way to undo what you've done — 
Now, don't argue with me! I'm sending our son! 
He’s the symbol of everything you ought to be: 
Love of family, clean living — in short — decency!” 
“My gawd!” muttered Santa to this revelation, 
“That pantywaist kid will kill my reputation!” 


But although Santa pleaded, his wife remained firm, 
Shouting, “Take off that suit, you philandering worm!” 
In a twinkling their son made ready to go; 

Zandelabrum in hand and dimples aglow! 

Now be careful, my precious, and be a good boy,” 

Mis. Santa said kissing her bundle of joy. 

s then Santa shouted (his voice was а deaf'ner!): 
“Give that little black book to rrAvBov's Hugh Hefner!” 


(And so ends our story 
ol Santa's detour; 

Happy Christmas to all — 

à la Clement Clarke Moore!) 


our festive outpouring of original potations—to cool th 


NOTHING PLEASES THE amateur barman's ego as much as inventing — or serving — a new drink that is enthusiastically 
received by his guests. All year long he's correctly given credit for his fine wines and brews, his gins and whiskies 
and rare brandies. What his bottlemates are actually praising, however, are brewers, distillers and vintners rather 
than the host himself. 

During the holidays, а seasonal change occurs. “Tis the season when entirely new grogs are offered up to the 
saturnalia. Even the most finicky of bibbers is glad to sample what he's offered, instead of making his own choice. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY STAN MALINOWSKI 


AND COLD 


alate or warm the cockles /drink By THOMAS MARIO 


Of course, along with the holiday fun of really asserting himself at his own wassail bowl, he assumes a few essential 
duties. In compounding a new drink, he first conducts his own pilot study, taste-testing the drinks at least 24 
hours in advance. Since he'll offer all guests the same liquid formula, with no questions asked, he makes sure that 
his new drink is neatly balanced, providing the kind of aftertaste that keeps his party glowing and going. His 
potables must be potent. The standard ounce-and-a-half jigger in the usual mixed drink should be elevated to two 
or three ounces. Recognizing the prodigious holiday thirst of his guests, the host lays (concluded on page 200) 


PLAYBOY 


VACATION (continued from page 102) 


“You still don't believe it, do уо! 
he laughed. “That 1 won't be rushing 
off cach day at 8:10, that Jim won't go 
to school again ever. School's out for all 
of us! No more pencils, no more books, 
no more boss’ sassy looks! We're let out, 
darling, and we'll never come back to the 
silly damn dull routines. Come on!” 

And he had walked her through the 
still and empty city streets. 

They didn't die,” he said. “They just 

. . went away." 

"What about the other cities?" 

He went to an outdoor phone boorh 
and dialed Chicago, then New York, 
then San Francisco. 

Silence. Silence. Silence. 

“That's it," he said, replacing the re- 
ceiver, 

“I feel guilty,” she said. “They gone 
and we here. And . . . | feel happy. 
Why? I should be unhappy." 
hould you? It's no tragedy. They 
weren't tortured or blasted or burned. 
It went easily and they didn't know. And 
now we owe nothing to anyone, Our 
only responsibility is being happy. Thirty 
more years of happiness, wouldn't that 
be good? 

“But then we must have more chil- 
dren!” 

“То repopulate the world?” he shook 
his head slowly, calmly. “No. Let Jim be 
the last. After he's grown and gone let 
the horses and cows and ground squirrels 
and garden spiders have the world. 
They'll get on. And someday some other 
species that cin combine a natural hap- 
piness with ural curiosity will build 
cities that won't even look like cities to 
us, and survive. Right now, let’s go pack 
a basket, wake Jim and get going on that 
long thirty-year summer vacation. I'll 
beat you to the housel” 

He took a sledge hammer from the 
small rail car and while he worked alone 
for half-an-hour fixing the rusted rails 
into place, the woman and the boy ran 
along the shore, They came back with 
dripping shells, a dozen or more, and 
some beautiful pink pebbles, and sat 
and the boy took schooling from the 
mother, doing homework on a pad with 
a pencil for a time; and then at high 
noon the man came down, his coat off, 
his tie thrown aside, and they drank 
orange pop, watching the bubbles surge 
up, glutting, inside the bottles. It was 

They listened to the sun tune the 
he smell of hot tar on 
the ties moved about them in the salt 
wind, as the husband tapped his atlas 
map lightly and gently: 

"Well go to Sacramento next month, 
May. then work up toward Seattle. 
Should make that by July first, July's a 


110 good month in Washington, then back 


down as the weather cools, to Yellow- 
stone, a few miles a day, hunt here, fish 
Бете...” 

The boy, bored, moved away to throw 
sticks in the sea and wade out like a dog 
to retrieve them. 

The man went on: “Winter in Tucson, 
then, part of the winter, moving toward 
Florida, up the coast in the spring, and 
maybe New York by June. Two years 
from now, Chicago in the summer. Win- 
ter, three years from now, what about 
Mexico City? Anywhere the rails lead 
us, anywhere at all, and if we come to 
an old offshoot rail line we don't know 
anything about, what the hell, we'll just 
take it, go down it to sce where it goes. 
And some year, by God, we'll boat down 
the Mississippi, always wanted to do that. 
Enough to last us a lifetime. And that's 
just how long I want to take to do it 
allia 

His voice faded. He started to fumble 
the map shut, but before he could move, 
a bright thing fell through the air and 
hit the paper. It rolled off into the sand 
and made a wet lump. 

His wife glanced at the wet place in 
the sand and then swiftly searched his 
face. His solemn eyes were too bright. 
And down one check was a track of wet- 
ness. 

She gasped. She took his hand and 
held it tight. 

He denched her hand very hard, his 

eyes sbut now, and slowly he said, with 
шу: 
Wouldn't it be nice if we went to 
sleep tonight and in the night, somehow, 
it all came back. All the foolishness, all 
the noise, all the hate, all the terrible 
things, all the nighuuares, all the wicked 
people and stupid children, all the mess, 
all the smallness, all the confusion, all 
the hope, all the need, all the love. 
Wouldn't it be nice?” 

She waited and nodded her head once. 

Then both of them started. 

For standing between them, they knew 
not for how long, was their son, an 
empty pop bottle in one hand. 

‘The boy's face was pale. With his free 
hand he reached out to touch his father's 
check where the single tear had made 
its track. 

You," he said. "Oh, Dad, you. You 
haven't anyone to play with, either . . . 

The wile started to speak. 

The husband moved to take the boy's 
hand. 

"The boy jerked back. "Silly! Oh, silly! 
у fools! Oh, you dumb, dumb!" And, 
whirling, he rushed down to the ocean 
and stood there crying, loudly. 

‘The wile rose to follow, but the hus- 
band stopped her. 

“No. Let him.” 

And then they both grew cold and 


quiet. For the boy. below on the shore, 
crying steadily, now was writing on a 
piece of paper and stuffing it into the 
pop bottle and ramming the tin cap 
back on and taking che boule and giving 
it a great glittering heave up in the air 
and out into the tidal sea. 

What, thought the wile, what did he 
write on the note? What's in the bottle? 

The bottle moved out the waves. 

"The boy stopped crying. 

After a long while he walked up the 
shore to stand looking at his parents. 
His face was neither bright nor dark, 
alive nor dead, ready nor resigned; it 
seemed a curious mixture that simply 
made do with timc, weather and these 
people. They looked at him and beyond 
to the bay where the bottle, containing 
the scribbled note, was almost out of 
sight now, shining in the waves. 

Did he write what we wanted? thought 
the woman; did he write what he heard 
us just wish, just say? 

Or did he write something for only 
himself? she wondered, that tomorrow he 
might wake and find himself alone in an 
empty world, no one around, no man, 
no woman, no father, no mother, no fool 
grownups with fool wishes, so he could 
trudge up to the railroad tracks and 
take the handcar motoring, a solitary 
boy, across the continental wilderness, 
on eternal voyages and picnics? 

Is that what he wrote in the note? 

Which? 

She searched his colorless eyes, could 
not read the answer; dared not ask. 

Gull shadows sailed over and kited 
their faces with sudden passing coolness. 

“Time to go,” someone said. 

They loaded the wicker basket onto 
the rail car. The woman tied her large 
bonnet securely in place with its yellow 
ribbon, they set the boy's pail of shells 
on the floor boards, then the husband 
put on his tie, his vest, his coat, his hat, 
and they all sat on the bench of the 
car looking out at the sca where the 
bottled note was far out, blinking on 
the horizon, 

“Is asking enough?" 
"Does wishing work?" 

"Sometimes . . . too well." 

"It depends on what you ask for." 

The boy nodded, his eyes faraway. 

They looked back at where they had 
come from, and then ahead to where 
they were going. 

“Goodbye, place,” said the boy, and 
waved. 

The car rolled down the rusty rails. 
The sound of it dwindled, faded. The 
man, the woman, the boy dwindled with 
it in the distance, among the hills. 

After they were gone, the rail trem- 
bled faintly for two minutes and ceased. 
A flake of rust fell. A flower nodded. 

The sea was very loud, 


said the boy. 


fy 
А EYEWITNESS 
the pity of it was that there seemed to be no genuine masters or mistresses left in the world 


fiction By ALBERTO MORAVIA 


HEY SAY THAT THE DAY WILL COME when we shall all be masters and there won't be any servants. They say 
Tos the occupation of a servant is unworthy of a man who is a man because one man ought not to serve 
another. They say that the day will come when we will do everything for ourselves, without any servants, like 
savages. I'm not disputing it: man never stands still; he feels a need to make changes in everything that 
exists, and very likely the changes are for the worse, but he is bound to make them and then, to comfort 
himself, he calls them progress. But there's one thing I'm sure of: out of ten men — as far as I know, anyhow 
— two, perhaps, are born masters, but the others are born servants. The master who is a born master likes 
to give orders from the very cradle; but the others are not content until they have found a master to give 
orders to them. Well, well, men are all different; and in spite of all sorts of progress there will always be 
masters and servants, only they'll call them by another name; as we all know, words, to men, are everything; 


and the man who is offended at hearing himself called "porter" will no doubt run up eagerly if someone 
shouts "luggage carrier" at him. 

As for me, I was born a servant, I have lived up till now as a servant and I shall die, I daresay, as an 
old догага, but still a servant. I like to serve; I like to obey; I like to submit to the will of another. To serve: 
there is a possibility, however, that the word may be misunderstood. For if you come to think of it, while I 
am serving my master, he is serving me. I mean, in fact, that if there wasn't a master I should not be able 
to be a servant. And what should J do then? Become a gravedigger? 

And so, from one place to another, changing cither because I did not like my master, or because he did 
not like me, or for some other reason, I finished up in a villa on the Via Cassia, where I thought 1 had 
found a good situation. In this recently built villa lived a recently married couple: she a blonde, with a 
long, lovely face and enormous, intense blue eyes, very thin and tall and elegant, her boyish appearance 
emphasized by her golden hair, cut short à la Bonaparte; he, small and dark and powerfully built, with dis- 
proportionately broad shoulders, a square face, a loud voice, his whole person full of authority and im- 
portance — one of those small men who make up for their size by a domincering, arrogant manner. He was 
evidently a proper rustic by origin — judging, anyhow, by his mother who turned up at the villa on one 
occasion and whom I very nearly mistook for one of the peasant women who go round with baskets of new- 
laid eggs. His wife, on the other hand, came of a good family; I think she was the daughter of a magistrate. 
I said it was a good situation, but I did not say it was an ideal one: for we were isolated, 20 kilometers along 
the Via Cassia, and for a manservant who did not have a contemplative character like mine this would have 
been a serious disadvantage. Then, the villa was a large one, with a ground floor all reception rooms and an 
upper floor all bedrooms, and there were only three of us servants, not counting the gardener: the cook, 
the housemaid and myself. Finally — and this, іп my opinion, was the worst thing — neither he nor she was 
really and truly a "master," that is, a master born: he was a peasant, son and grandson of peasants; she was 
of good family but uprooted; she set herself up as mistress of the house but she hadn't the habit of it, and, 
as everyone knows, in these matters it's habit that counts. 

Early in the morning, after breakfast, he would leave the house, get into his powerful, expensive car 
and drive off along the Via Cassia; generally he would stay out all day; and 1 have an idea that in Rome, 
apart from his import-export office, he also had some sort of a love nest. She also had an expensive car which 
she drove herself, but she used it rarely, either because she did not like going into town or, more probably, 
because she did not know anybody there; so she stayed at home, wandering round, in trousers and jumper, 
from one room to another, from one floor to the other, and also, if the weather was fine, round the garden. 
She was always doing something, it is true, for in such a big house there was always something to do; other- 
wise, especially in the afternoon, she would curl up in an armchair, sitting on her own legs, and read; but 
whatever she was doing, wandering round the house or reading, you could see that she was discontented and 
bored. Sometimes she would stand behind me, in the garden, while I was helping the gardener to put in 
plants and prune trees; or again she would get on her horse — for she had a fine horse in a stable at the far 
end of the garden — and go galloping off round the countryside; but always, whether in the garden or on 
horseback, she had that discontented, bored look on her face. 

At last, often after dark, he would come home again, and would begin furiously blowing his horn as 
soon as he reached the turning from the Via Cassia. From the sound of that horn it was clear who was 
master in the villa: she would jump up from the sofa where she was reading and run to the door on long 
legs tightly encased in very tight trousers; beside her, barking, ran two enormous great Danes, as big as 
calves, which had been sleeping, curled up at her feet, all the afternoon; the maid, too, would come running, 
tying on her apron and adjusting her cap; the gardencr, who was also the (continued on page 206) 


"It's not for nothing that you are called ‘Ivan the Terrible’!”’ 


ns 


“Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night... ! 


114 


HOW TO READ A BOOK 


SUPERFICIALLY 


the contemporary champion of ageless classics candidly contends that you 
can ingest their germinal ideas without chomping the surrounding chaff 


article BY MORTIMER ADLER 


AS A MAN LONG IDENTIFIED with the great-books movement —indeed someone once 
called mc “The Great Bookie" — I аш painfully aware that many of the great 
works of thought and imagination I have been talking and writing about for 30 
years are not read by those who might enjoy them most. A generation entertained 
by С. S. Forester, Herman Wouk, Georges Simenon and J. D. Salinger finds the 
works of Homer, Virgil, Dante and Shakespeare practically unreadable. 

"The truth is that these books are actually fully as readable as Captain Horatio 
Hornblower, The Caine Mutiny, the Inspector Maigret mysteries and The Catcher 
in the Rye. The knack lies in knowing how to read them. 

First, let us observe how not to read them. Consider, for example, the approach 
of the romantic lover of culture and learning who sets out to tackle the masters. 
Does he advance upon these renowned works as he would a contemporary best 
seller? Of course not. Instead, full of reverential awe, he approaches them as 
if they were sacred scripts. He starts from the first word on the first page and 
proceeds to the last word on the last page — or at least that is his goal. He proceeds 
cautiously, pedantically, feeling compelled to comprehend every sentence the 
moment he reads it — or to succumb in the attempt. 

What. happens to our lover of culture is not difficult to predict. The "stops" 
become more and more frequent as he tries to track down every allusion to un- 
known legend, myth or history, or is diverted by the author's own digressions — 
all too plentiful, incidentally, in many of the great literary works of the past. No 
matter how pronounced a glutton for punishment our reverential reader may be, 
there comes a point when even he has had too much of a bad thing and he 
finally gives up. A few more experiences like this with the great books, and he 
becomes convinced that reading them is a fruitless pursuit and that they have ac- 
quired their lofty reputation through snobbery, stupidity or skulduggery. 

It is not hard for us to see where the poor fellow has gone wrong. 

Obviously, he has not given these renowned books any chance to display their 
worth. No sensible person reads an ordinary book in this way, and it’s no way to 
read a great book cither. Our disillusioned culture seeker has been betrayed by his 
naiveté and his prim solemnity. He has so encumbered himself that he cannot 
function as a reader, loaded down as he is with all his dictionaries, encyclopedias, 
classical companions and literary histories, as he tries to track down every obscure 
allusion and understand every word of the venerable book. 

Now, let me speak for myself. Whenever I have found a great book worthy of 
its reputation, it was the shape, tone, drive, mood and essential content of the 
book as a whole that impressed and interested me. Some parts of it 1 found espe- 
cially enjoyable or vivid, while others bored, puzzled or stymied me until I slid 
by them and went on with my reading. This is the common-sense way of reading 
a great book the first time around. Otherwise — via the stop-and-look-it-up or stop- 
and-figure-itout way — опе would never get it read the first time. 

Note that I did not say this is the only good way or even the best way to 
read a great work. I said that this admittedly superficial reading is the best and only 
way the first time around. 1 grant, indeed I urge, that the great books are infinitely 
rereadable, that we discern more meaning in them (continued on page 122) 


115 


born to the theater, bound for stardom 


a bright-burning star adds to her luster 


Se bright shine with different light — thus, Susan Strasberg, 
theater-bred (father Lee heads Actors Studio), has been a 
stage-movie-TV triple threat since her Broadway debut (at 15) in 
“The Diary of Anne Frank.” Brunette, brown-eyed and a wispy 5, 
Susan (now 24) will next be seen in the Italian film, “Kapo.” Her 
last play, “Camille,” failed financially, but Susan's admirers are re- 
warded by these nudeworthy photos, inspired by the classic drama. 


SUSAN 
STRASBERG 


А 


PHOTOGRAPHED ESPECIALLY FOR PLAYBOY 
BY PETER BASCH 


NOVAK 


а 


PHOTOGRAPHED ESPECIALLY FOR PLAYBOY 
BY BERT CANN 


im Novak, a Hollywood thoroughbred, is one of the last of the тей- 

hot products of the late, lamented star system. Raised by untheatrical 
parents, Kim spent an emotionally turbulent adolescence in Chicago before 
clicking with a screen test nine years ago. Blonde, green-eyed and а bonny 
577, Kim (now 30) has been box-office dynamite from the beginning (“Push- 
over,” "Picnic," et al.) to her present starring role in Maugham's “Of Hu- 
man Bondage” — in which, for the first time, Kim goes the way of all flesh. 


PLAYBOY 


122 


HOW TO READ A BOOK 


the more we read them and the more 
we bring to them. But we must start 
from where we are and with what we 
re — with our present age, experience 
and insight —and let these works and 
writers communicate to us here and now. 
What soured many of us on so vital 
aud juicy a writer as William Shakespeare 
in our school days was not simply the 
fact that we were Lar too young to under- 
stand all that he said. Of course, we were 
too young — what schoolboy could under- 
stand Othello, what schoolgirl under- 
stand Cleopatra? But that was not our 
trouble. Just recall how a play as tight 
id simple in structure as Macbeth, with 
ngle story line and theme, moving 
tly toward its climax and conclusion, 
ng everything into a terse 2100 
єз, was hopelessly obscured by pseudo- 
scholarly busyness. We were so busy 
reading the explanatory footnotes and 
glossary. and laboriously tracking down 
unfamiliar terms and allusions that we 
were never able to view the play as a 
whole. We never suspected that the 
proper way to read a play for the first 
time is to do it in one continuous read- 
ing. so as to grasp the action as a whole 
id then, and only then, if we care to 
do so, to go over it carefully, searching 
out the meanings and connections of the 
details of dialog and plot. In school, we 
never got to see what the shouting was 
all about or to discern why the charac 
ters behaved as they did. What wonder, 
then, that Shakespeare seemed dull? 
Granted that more claborate and com- 
plex plays, such as Othello and King 
Lear, will not reveal as much of their 
meaning as does Macbeth in a quick 
once-over, the fact remains that it is the 
essential theme action that must 
is iterest before we can become 
re of all the details. In King Lear, 
what excites, astounds and terrifies u 


and 


the sad апа mad career of that а 


impulsive, raging old man as he re 
the consequences of his blind stupidity in 
his relations with his daughters. This 
the core of the play and everything el 
runs in or out of it. This is what it is 
mportant to follow and grasp. As for 
the side story or subtheme of Gloucester 
and his sons, which crisscrosses the main 
story throughout the play, it is not im- 
portant to sce exactly how it fis, or 
whether fits at all with the cen- 
tral theme, when first we read the play 
If we wonder about it, we can return 
and search it out, with the actions and 
tions of Lear and his daughters fixed 


decd и 


t interferes 
with our enjoyment of Shakespeare, not 
the Elizabethan, poetic language that 
some readers claim is the hazard. Actu- 
ally. the problem of understanding the 
diom in most of Shakespeare's plays is 


(continued from page 115) 


not much more difhcult than that of 
grasping any other English local dialect. 
such as the speech of Faulkner's rural 
Southerners or Sillitoe’s provincial Brit 
ish workingmen. The philologist Jesper- 
sen once pointed out that Shakespeare's 
language is for the most part the ordi- 
nary conversational English of his day 
and not at all a fancy poetic diction. We 
should not find it too hard to grasp what 
lago means when he tells Desdemona’s 
father that his white ewe is being cupped 
by an old black ram. “Тир” is certainly 
less of a problem to us than. Norman 
Майег odd threeleuer word in The 
Naked and the Dead will be to readers 
three centuries hence (they may well con- 
fuse it with “fig” 


As I have indicated, the distinguished 
literature of past eras provides quite a 
few obstacles, detours and blind alleys 
where an innocent and serious minded. 
reader may well come a cropper. One of 
the most annoying things to many read- 
ers, especially in very ancient literature, 
is the repetition of terns, narration and 
dialog. Homer's reference to “the rosy- 
fingered Dawn” in the Odyssey, for ex- 
ample, may charm us at first, but some 
of us are ready to chew off our finger- 
nails at the thousandth repetition of this 
phrase. Moreover, certain parts of the 
story of Ulysses wanderings are repeated 
many times in full detail. 

One explanation of this may be that 
the ancient writers did not have an єй 
tor peering over their shoulders, telling 
them what to cut and what to condense. 
In those days. perhaps, books were more 
written than edited, contrast to our 


"advanced" presentday practices. But 
the most likely explanation is that 
Homer was still close in manner to the 


ancient bard who chanted his tale at the 
banquet table or around the campfire. 
Oral recitation, particularly of long nar- 


ratives, required repetition at various 


points in the tale, and no doubt the a 
diences liked to be reminded of the de- 
tails and. events that had gone before 
(as in the serial stories in our weekly and 
monthly magazines). And they would nod 
appreci ely at the repetition of a 
favorite metaphor or phrase. 

However, we who read the Odyssey 
y usually do so alone, and most often 
our lips. If we have read 
id remember a certain sit 
or interchange, there is no need to read 
often in the very same words, a 
second and a third time. What most of 
us do when we 
practice is to skip the repetitive passage 
rely and go on with the story, which 
is, of course, the sensible thing to do. 
1t certainly involves no lese majesty or 
blasphemy, for however sacred. Homer 
may have been held in certain. Greek 


ion, event 


ге aware of this 


б 


circles, his text is not sacrosanct to us. 
We are not compelled to. mouth and 
ponder every single word — including du- 
plications and reduplications. Reading is, 
after all, an active and selective process, 
the analog of writing, not a merely 
passive echoing of the writer's words. 

Another favorite practice of the an- 
cients, and one which has been followed 
by writers all the way down to the 
present, is the frequent use of digression 
Sometimes these digressions dovetail into 
the narrative proper and serve to fill i 
what has gone before, like the movie 
flash back. But often they seem to serve 
no particular purpose. In the Odyssey, 
for instance, Ulysses’ lying yarns when 
he is trying to preserve his incognito, 
and the long and detailed accounts of 
their pasts by various minor characters. 
All these digressions seem to do is to 
keep us from going on with the ma 
story. According to such eminent literary 
critics as Goethe and Schiller, this was 
just what the author was trying to do, 
to “retard” us in the reading of the 
story, in order to keep things relaxed 
and leisurely. Ancient audiences, it 
seems, liked a man who took his time, 
nd they liked to take their time in get 
ting to the culmination of а story. 

Тһе modern temper, however, is not a 
leisurely one and we are likely to bc an- 
noyed rather than mollified by digres- 
sions from the main story. Our tendency 
to skip or skim these interruptions. 
Certainly something is lost when we do 
this, for а full appreciation and enjoy- 
ment of Homer requires an. awareness 
of thc richness and clarity of detail even 
his offshoots from the narrativi 
It would be unfortunate if we did not 
catch the wonderful story of how Ulys- 
ses got his scar in Book XIX of the 
Odyssey, and the many other magnificent 
miniatures that adorn the work. Still, in 
a first reading we must achieve a middle 
ground between the slow sipping which 
never gets to the bottom of the glass and 
the quick gulp which never senses the 
flavor. body and aroma. We must not 
permit ourselves to become so engrossed 
in our admiration of Homer's miniatures 
that we lose the main thread of the story 
of that most crafty and devious of men, 
Ulysses; his ambiguous, devoted, sly and 
and his weak, uncertain, fa- 
ther-seeking son. 

A great book which certainly seems 
to call for the skipping device 
vantes’ Don Quixote. This engaging 
ical, touching story of the Knight of the 
Rueful Countenance and his fat, prag. 
i interspersed with all kinds 
jories within stories and 
subplots, There are many of these tales, 
such as “The Novel of the Il-advised 
Curiosity” (in which the husband pre- 
vails on his friend to test wife's vir- 
tue — to his sorrow), which have nothing 

(continued on page 196) 


opinion BY ROBERT PAUL SMITH 


everybody shinny on his own side 


а smart rap on the first family’s knuckles for the 


way it sticks its fingers in america’s cultural pie 


1 LIKE JOHN FITZGERALD KENNEDY; | think his wife Jackie is a 
very pretty girl of the kind of pretty I don't much care about; 
1 am as fond of Caroline as any middle-aged but middling 
vigorous paterfamilias is of anybody else's small girl child, 
namely, not so's you could notice it; brother Bobby seems to 
me to earn his keep well if a trifle eagle-scoutishly, and brother 
Ted is a matter strictly between brother Jack and the electorate 
of Massachusetts, and absolutely none of my business. 

J- FK. reads, writes and speaks the American language with 
vigor (or vigah); if his action in Birmingham may have been 
something less than fearless, at least his prior conduct in the 
Meredith case was forthright (after what struck me as inex- 
plicable temporizing); if his early handling of the Cuban situa- 
tion was inept, his second go-round, as well as his more recent 
conduct on the Nuclear Test Ban were inescapable, bold, 
brave and brilliant and, thank God, correct. 

On balance, he seems to me to be an excellent President 
to be having now, and I'm glad I voted for him. 


But (my, wasn't that “but” a long time coming?), 
starting with his inauguration, I have been seeing 
a cloud considerably larger than a man's hand 
* developing into a storm head which in my 
opinion should be seeded and dispersed 
instantly. 
At the inauguration, a venerated 
poet whose work | admire was 
(concluded on page 219) 


123 


THE MORALS 
OF MONEY 


THOSE RESPONSIBILITIES 
ATTENDANT UPON 
THE POSSESSION 

OF PERSONAL WEALTH 


article BY J. PAUL GETTY 


worps 60си as millionaire, multimillionaire and billionaire carry a magic 
and compelling т ndably enough, many people are mesm 
ized by those words, by what they think those words imply — and by the 


ng. Unders 


thought of piling up a personal fortune as an end in itself 

These people seem to believe that every millionaire has his millions 
in ready cash. stored in strongboxes beneath his bed o ndy wall 
safe in his library, to hold or squander according to his whim 


na 


They ako 
apparently believe that money can buy them everything and solve all 
their problems 

In the case of a "working" millionaire — a wealthy individual actively 
engaged in business — nothing could be further from the truth. In the 
first place, although a businessman may be "worth" many millions of 
dollars, precious little of his wealth is in fluid, spendable cash. His fortune 
is invested — tied up — in land, buildings, machinery, equipment, raw 
materials, finished-product inventories, in all the things which make up 
his business and keep it in operation 

Certainly, only a minute fraction of any working businessman's fortune 
is ever available to him as personal cash on hand unless he chooses to 
go out of business and liquidates his holdings by selling them. But the 
successful businessman very seldom sells out. 

He knows that wealth which serves no constructive purpose has no 
real justification for its existence. It might be said that he views business 
ve art. He uses his money as capital, investing and г ting 
it to create businesses and to expand them. These, in turn, create jobs 
and produce goods and services — апа help create a better life for all. 

The successful businessman also knows that wealth does not auto- 
matically grant him a year-round, no-limit license for fun-filled frolic. 
He is well-aware that money has the power to do many things for people 
—but he also realizes that money can do many things, bad as well as 
good, to people, their private lives, personalities and moral and intellec- 


tual values. 
Believe me, w Һ one has to learn to live — 
not always as simple as might be imagined, A man who be- 


th is something with wi 
and the task 
comces rich finds it necessary to adjust to the idea of being wealthy. He must 
make certain that he maintains his perspective and his sense of values. He 


es, to handle 


must learn to cope with the special problems his wealth cr 
the types of people who are wont to flock around him beca 


se he is rich. 


And even though the successful businessman шау not have to worry 
about his rent or grocery bills, though he may be secure from personal 
financial want, he is never secure from financial worries. The busine 
man's wealth derives from the profits made from his business ventures — 
profits which are dependent upon the efficient operation of those ventures. 
Consequently, he always has money problems. 

If one of his firms is operating at a loss — as will often happen — he 
must take immediate steps to remedy the (continued. oucileaf) 


instant!” 


“Harvey! You come down here this 


125 


PLAYBOY 


situation. He must find money to fi- 
nance the expansion and modernization 
programs of his companies. He must see 
to it that his companies рау debts 
promptly. He always has to think — and 
often has to worry— about these and 
countless other questions of finance. 
Take my word for it, a businessman's 
worries over paying off a 55,000,000 
bond issue that has matured are no less 
great, immediate and personal than those 
of a S75-a-weck clerk who has to meet 
a $500 note that's falling duel 

No matter how wealthy or successful 
a businessman may be, he has heavy re- 
sponsibilities to his employees, customers, 
shareholders and the public at large. 
Unless he stands ready to discharge his 
obligations, he will not remain wealthy 
very long. 

I received my first lessons about money 

nd business in the tough, no-nonsense 
school of the Oklahoma fields. The 
men I met and with whom I worked had 
very definite views on the morals of mon- 
ey, the ethics of business and the respon- 
sibilities of a businessman. 
foral responsibility can never be 
avoided.” “The last thing you should 
ever do is borrow. The first thing 
must always do is repay your debts. 
you can trust a man, a written contract 
a waste of paper. If you can't trust 
him, a written contract is still a waste 
of paper." "Money is only as good as 
what you do with it. The best thing you 
can do with your money is to keep it 
working and to make sure it keeps you 
working, too." 

Such are a random but representative 
sampling of the tenets which formed the 
credo of the oil fields. They may sound 
homely in this age of nuclear-powered 
Madison Avenue slogans, but I've found 
them to be as valid and valuable as any- 
thing Гуе learned during my career. 

ТИ admit I didn't take all the lessons 
to heart at the beginning. 1 was 24 when 
1 made my first lion. With that 
money — and the arrogant self-conf- 
dence of youth —I decided to retire 
and spend the rest of my life enjoying 
myself. 

I had a great time —at first. But a 
man in his mid-20s who has worked hard 

nd achieved results can only play so 
long. He can attend only so many parties, 
drink only so much champagne and 
red only so many times 
before he realizes that he's wasting his 
time — and that he's bored stiff. 

It took me about two years to reach 
the supersaturation point, but reach it I 
finally did. I retired in 1916. By carly 
1919, Га tasted far too much of my far- 
100-premature retirement, and my money 
and 1 were back in the business, thi 
time to stay. I've kept my money work- 
ing, and it's kept me working, ever since. 

Once an individual achieves financi: 


126 success and is identified as a millionaire. 


he is thenceforth a marked man, and 
matters only get worse as his wealth in- 
creases. If he's seen talking to other busi- 
nessmen over a restaurant lunch, he is 
sure to receive a dozen telephone calls a 
few hours later from people asking him 
to confirm or deny the reports of project- 
ed mergers, stock splits or extra dividend 
payments which are already making the 
rounds. Let him attend a social function 
and dance with a young lady more than 
once, and the rumors of a "sizzling new 
romance" which buzz through the ball- 
тоот are certain to find their 
the gossip columns. The conversation at 
the luncheon table may have been con- 


may have been his niece or his cousin, 
But the results are inevitable. 

No, despite all the many advantages 
he enjoys, the wealthy businessman's life 
is not all champagne and caviar. He 
must accept the fact that, despite his 
wealth and position, there are drawbacks 
to being a millionaire. He may be re- 
spected or admired for achieving success 
and wealth, but he must expect that a 
considerable and vociferous segment of 
the population will envy and even hate 
him for it. There are times when he may 
be praised for what he says or does, but 
he will be reviled at least as often. 

In some ways, a millionaire just can't 
win. If he spends too freely, he is criti- 
cized for being extravagant and osten 
tious. If, on the other hand, he lives 
quiedy and thriftily, the same people 
who would have criticized him for being 
profligate will call him a miser. 

If he goes to parties and. night clubs, 
he is labeled a wastrel and doubts 
arc raised about his maturity and sense 
of responsibility. Let him shun the 
salons and saloons, and he is promptly 
tagged as a recluse or misanthrope. 

‘To the auditors and critics of the rich, 
even the most minor actions loom as 
matters of major concern, Take 
for example. I've found that if 1 leave 
a liberal tip in a restaurant, someone is 
sure to say I'm showing off. If 1 don't 
overtip, that same someone vill be the 
first to say that "Paul Getty is a penny 
pincher." 

If I talk to reporters, word gets around 
quickly that I'm a publicity hound. If 
1 don't grant interviews, I'm considered 
“uncooperative” or hostile to the press, 
and some gossip columnist is certain to 
write something to the effect that “Paul 
Getty is strangely uncommunicative these 
days. Could it be that he's trying to avoid 
answering certain highly explosive ques- 
tions?” 

Am I complaining? No. Not at all. I'm 
merely listing some of the things a mil- 
lionaire has to accept with rueful and 
resigned good humor. 

A wealthy person can obviously bu 
a plenitude of the material things 


n have an extensive wardrob 
automobiles, a fine house, servants— in 
short, all the material appurtenances of 
luxury living. The extent to which he 
is able to enjoy these depends on h 
and. if he is an active businessman, to 
a considerable degree on the demands 
which his business makes upon his time 
and energies. 

I still find that it’s often necessary to 
work 16 and 18 hours а day, and some- 
times right around the clock. When 1 
travel, the problems of business are 
never farther than the nearest telegraph 
or cable office or telephone. I can't 
mber a single day of vacation in 
the last 45 years that was not somehow 
interrupted by a cable, tclegram or 
telephone call that made me tend to 
business for at least a few hours. Such 
work schedules and the need for devot- 
ing the majority of my time to building 
and expanding my businesses have taken 
a heavy toll of my personal life. 

I've been married and divorced five 
times. I deeply regret these marital Га 
ures, but I can understand why they 
were failures. Each one of my former 
wives is a wonderful woman who did 
her utmost to make her marriage to me 
a succes. But a woman doesn’t feel 
secure, contented or happy — she doesn't 
feel as though she really a wife, or 
that she really has a husband — when 
she finds that her husband is thinking 
of his business interests first and fore- 
most and that she comes next, almost as 
an afterthought. 

Five marital failures have taught me 
these things. They've also taught me 
that a happy marriage is another of the 
countless things in life that no man can 
buy no matter how many hundreds of 
millions of dollars he possesses. 

Friendship is something else that 
can't be bought— although there ате 
many who try to sell its counterfeit. I've 
often said that timc is the only reliable 
gauge by which a wealthy person can 
measure friendships. 1 consider myself 
to be extremely fortunate in having 
made many real and good friends. 

These people have been my friends 
for years and even decades. ‘They've 
never tried to profit financially from our 
friendships. If they have asked me for 
anything, their requests were reason- 
able — the kind that good friends аге 
likely to make of each other 

Such is not the case with the famili 
type of individual who goes out of his 
way to become friendly with a wealthy 
person with premeditated intent to get 
something for nothing. That "some- 
thing” may be a job. an inside tip on 
the stock market, money to start а new 
business or to shore up an old one th 


crumbling, an outright cash gift — or a 
cash gift that’s cuphemistically described 
as a 10; 


(concluded on page 164) 


Em 
SUYEOKA 


TO PARADISE, BY FERRY memoir By ARTHUR KOPIT 


the prospect of a visit to a nudist colony with the english girl had 
seemed promising, but, as it turned out, clothes made all the difference 


тик OTHER DAY I tried to get into a nudist colony. 

Things didn’t work out so well. 

‘They started off well, though, that 1 must ad- 
mit. First there was the English girl. It was on the 
last day of the Cannes Film Festival that I spotted 
her. In the midst of a blur of browned bodies 
there she lay, lobster-pink, glistening with oil. 
She was draped languorously across a chaise 
longue in the middle of the Carlton beach, a copy 
of the London Times by her side. I wandered 
over. 

“Parlez-vous anglais?” 1 asked, casually. 

‘Two sea-blue eyes peered up at me from over 
the rim of a pair of sunglasses, obviously too 
dark to see through. The eyes squinted, focused 


and blinked, 

“Oh Christ, not another American!” 

I smiled. 

She turned over on her stomach. 

“I see you're reading the London Times. Mind 
if I have a look?” 

"What's the matter, they all out of Herald 
Tribunes?” 

І told her I liked the print of the London 
Times bettcr. She crumpled it up into a small 
ball and hurled it at me. “Strike one,” I said. 

She didn't laugh. 

"Mind if I sit down?" 

She didn't answer. I sat down. 
"Are you staying (continued on page 130) 


TO THE OFFICE WIT 


Fill the cup 
You were the "I; 


wW 
Halloo way out there in the cosmic distance; 


We Earthlings just wanted to say 
We're busy planning our own nonexistence, 
But Top-o'-the-Season today! 


s. 
ish amenitie’ 

A of yulish 

e missive 


nedys? 
Here's one massiv ds for so many Ken 


Who can buy car 


IV i 
U ғу Special Greeting 


(to perhaps the опр one Hallmark has пере, ted] 
perhap: 5 
tected) 


=" 


Fb al z 2296 
TO АМ UNGRATEFUL YOUNG LADY 
In’63 Гое given thee 
Much love and warm affection. 
Good Lord, Гое tried to help provide 
A home of near perfection. 
Poe sympathized, Pve compromised, 
Poe pampered and regaled you. 
And now you've said it’s time we wed. 
My dear, where have I failed you? 


Dene n of the wreath: 
ae er of the dad 
0 fixes my friend's mee 


PLAYBOY 


130 sistibly toward me; some strange Medi- 


TO PARADISE 


here at the Carlton?” 

She stared at me incredulously. “What 
you, a bloody idiot? If 1 were staying 
at the Carlton do you think I'd be out 
here on the beach?” 

I nodded. 

She probably had a point, though I 
must confess I didn't precisely see it. 
Still, I allowed her her occasional obscu- 
rities for she looked wonderful there in 
the sun. Her hair was white-blonde, 
long, straight and wet and just managed 
to touch the freckled, pink tips of her 
shoulders. She looked somewhat like a 
cross between May Britt and Princess 
Margaret. I asked her how long she'd 
been there. 

"Since one o'clock.” 

"No, 1 mean in Cannes.” 

“A week." 

"Are you happy here?" 

She propped herself up on her elbows. 
“What are you, a psychiatrist?” 

She didn't wait for an answer but 
turned her back to me, unraveled the 
London Times and began to read. 

“You don't like Americans very much, 
do you?" 

She pointed a pink finger in the gen- 
eral direction of the sea. I looked out. 
А U.S. aircraft carrier, three destroyers, 
two cruisers and a submarine dotted the 
picturesque port 

"Four thousand on shore leave," she 
muttered. 

There was nothing one could say. 

1 decided to examine her back. It was 
slightly less pink than her front. It 
looked rather like the skin of a well- 
patted baby. It looked soft. She had a 
beauty mark about three inches above 
the white line of her right hip. There 
was a mosquito bite on her left shoulder. 
I resisted the temptation to scratch it. 
Instead, I watched a small stream of sand 
slowly snake its way down from her 
haunched shoulder blades along the line 
of her spine to a small, white, dimpled 
hollow just above her powderpink, 
slightly wet, bikini pants. 

"You know, I'm very fond of the Brit- 
ish," I said, sofdy. 

"Then stop breathing on my back. 
You're blocking the sun." 

I apologized. I lay back, folded my 
hands behind my head and began to 
think about the Revolutionary War. 1 
was just coming to Cornwallis when she 
spoke. 

"АП right, what are you doing in 
Cannes?” 

Feverishly 1 racked my brain. Why had 
she spoken? What was the real motive 
behind the disarming innocence of her 
question? Was it simply curiosity? Or 
politeness? Was it boredom? Or 
was it perhaps (and far more likely) some 
subtle seaside passion that drew her irre- 


wits 


(continued from page 127) 


terranean lust, peculiar to the British, 
unknown to Americans and fatal? 1 
decided that the best thing to do was 
answer and play it cautiously from there. 

"Fm a writer,” I said, as cryptically 
as possible. 

She asked me what | did for a living. 

It was a question 1 had not expected. 
I swallowed, moistened my lips and craft- 
ily avoided a direct answer by repeating 
that I was a writer. 

"And you make money at it?" 

"Enough to live," I said, looking 
around to see who was listening. 

"In Cannes?” 

I told her that Га won 10 dollars at 
the Casino the night before. 

She took off her sunglasses and stared 
at me microscopically. I could hear the 
LB.M. cards inside her head shuffling 
through to the next question. 

She said, clearly and emphatically and 
in the queen's best English, "You still 
have not told me just what you are doing 
here in Cannes." 

I decided to tell her. 

She didn't believe me. 

“I've never heard of the place," she 
said. 

Well, it is very small.” 
"Is it something like Capri?" 
I said I didn't think so. 


d asked if it was 
the sort of place American tourists 
would consider "charming"? 

1 said 1 doubted that very much. 

“Well, just what sort of article are 
you proposing to write?” 

I told her 1 wouldn't know until I got 
there. 

"And you mean to say you're going 
all the way out to this place to write 
a story for some magazine and you don't 
know the first thing about it? 

1 told her that wasn't really true, that 
actually 1 did know quite a bit about 
the place. 

The signs of exasperation were be- 
inning to show when she asked, "Like 


I said, "Well, for instance, the people 
don't wear any clothes there.” 

It worked. 

At 7:30 the v 
Cannes together. 


cxt morning we left 


Now thesc are the ways to get to 
Levant: by train from Cannes to St- 
Raphaél, which takes forty minutes: 
from St- Tropez by bus. 
changing at St-Tropez for the bus to 
Le Lavandou, which takes two hours 
and forty-five minutes. The ferries from 
Le Lavandou to the fle du Levant е 
at nine o clock, eleven, two and six. The 
boat ride takes an hour. So if onc leaves 
es on the seven-o'clock n. one 


will arrive on Levant at twelve. One can 
also drive. I did. There are two routes 
available. I took the scenic route (syn- 
onymous the world over with "longer 
route") by mistake. 

We arrived at Le Lavandou at five past 
eleven. The ferry had just pulled out. 

We waved, sadly. 

It came back, quickly. 

Except for the captain and a Scan- 
dinavianlooking couple the boat was 
empty. It was a large boat. 

The English girl grinned. "Looks like 
the tourist season hasn't started yet, 
hmm?” 

1 offered that the two-o'clock was 
probably a more popular ferry. 

"I don't believe there's anyone on 
that island at all. I think you're simply 
spiriting me out there so you can 
seduce me.” 

I decided to allow for the possibility 
of insular desertion and left her state- 
ment unanswered except for what I 
hoped was an enigmatic smile. She 
yawned and pulled the latest copy of the 
Illustrated London News trom her 
ВОАС traveling bag. 

“Pity you're not covering the island 
for the Illustrated News,” she said. 
“They go in for this sort of thing in a 
big way." 

A voice said, "Is this the first time 
for you?" 

1 turned from my reading companion 
and confronted one half of the only 
other couple on board. 

I said it was. 

“You'll love the island," he said. 
"Ingrid, my wife, and I are going there 
for years. It’s like a Garden of Eden. 
The people are all so wonderful and 
friendly. You'll love them. You'll stay 
1 think a long time?” 

I said 1 was looking forward to an 
enjoyable stay indeed. 

He said, “You are newlyweds?” 

I was suddenly conscious of a pair of 
eyes observing me with much interest 
from over the copy of the Illustrated 
London News. 

“Uh, no. Just good friends." 

“Ah, 

He lapsed into silence. 

I decided that more was needed. “We 
used to live near cach other in Sussex. 
We've known cach other for years." 

The eyes were still not reading. 

“Maybe then you get married soon?” 
"m afraid 's impossible," said 
the latest copy of the Illustrated London 
News. "You see, I'm already married.” 

And the eyes sank merrily from view. 

Т looked up at the sky with intense 
interest. “Lovely day for an island out- 
ing, don't you think?" 

Silence. 

At last: “You'll 
Ingrid, my wife. 
for years. It’s — 

(continued on page 208) 


love the island. 
d T аге going there 


D 


Listen, this is how if goes: Your life is there and 


"By uncle Sam offered fo sent me MAE f EE 
2 pm and 1 dia "f Feel Like ZAR. pom % ar жу РА 22 5 e or take y) 


“going To work, Г), q = think if up erthey--~ifS there. [ts АУЛА In 
Таны эы лар Е PR алы 

j жей. 7 й серу, eS 

sk, 5 4» 2 

1, Ф oh 2 
x Ы 

е 

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p 


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Psp LH 
< fiction By ANATOLE BROYARD 


CONVERSATION OVER MOO GOO ВА PAN 


milton didn’t have that hungry look anymore — he had sylvie, the kid, the house and the lawn instead 


I'VE NOTICED THAT AS YOU GET OLDER most of your friends fall out like hair, or decay like teeth. Usually, 

though, there's one that you keep. You need him as a witness to what you once were —a nice-looking kid 

with fast hands — and eventually as a pallbearer. I had thought I'd keep Milton, but as he himself said, I 
h 


always did think too much. 

I was in the Philippines when I got his letter, and I read it sitting on some 40-millimeter crates іп an am- 
munition dump. At first I refused to believe what I read — it was as though Га seen his name on a casualty list. 

Not that I had anything against marriage — this one just didn't make sense. It had to be bad news. 
Sylvie wasn't knocked up — Milton would've told me. And I knew he wasn't in love, so why in hell had he 
done it? She was a good kid, she had a shape, but you don't love a girl for that. And you don't marry her. 
Not Milton, anyway — or so 1 thought. 

His letter told me nothing, so I took the cue and postponed my questions for two years. Then when | 
got out in 1947, 1 went to sce him. He was living in Kew Gardens, in Ше top half of 2 two-family house. His 
brother-in-law, who was a dentist, had the ground floor. (continued on page 144) 13] 


AU MOE EVERY SULETIDE FEAST, big or ite, roister- 
ous or suave, brings forde a roast. In the past mien 


have celebrated holiday junkers WIR оло as small 


чэсна, а succulent. Бий that literally fits in Me 


hand, and have’ wassailed.- around. Whole 
turned by а pitchfork beside а ton OF glowing coals. 


Fheie are flamboyant toasts Hike baron of beef; а 


охе, 


bridge shaped double loin fromthe best part of 
the жест, and modest roasts like young guinea hen; 
At beerfests, tlie; crackling goose hangs high and 
the ‘brown suckling pig is à Succulent sight © be- 
hold, Even: the inost jaded gourmer’s pulse quickens 
at the Split of roast filet of beef, or ribs of beef or 


Fy pes of roasts.and roasting have changed forthe 
beiter down the years: Roasts are no longer buried 
under a crust like Sir Henry Grey's Christmas pie fill 
ed with four geese, four turkeys, four wild ducks, six 
Shipe, six pigeons, two rabbits and two beef tongues. 
"Today, you'd have to look far and wide on holiday 
tables. to find a roast peacock, once considered: the 
food of-lovers-and. the neat of Jords- 1n ‘baronial 
balls; Фе great roasted bird was once heralded with. 
апре its skin completely Covered with gold: leaf. 
is mouth aflame with blazing wads. Bur forall of 
its brilliance; (һе peacock, dike the boar’s head 
garlanded with bay, bad а taste closely akin to 
coarse sawdust. 


festive fare to meat the demands of a hungry yuletide horde 


PLAYBOY 


wandering about the United States. 
Obviously, he suffered from a malady 
for which science still has found no 
cure — overexposure to American roast 


turkey. 
For some reason, apprentice chefs 
often stand in awe of the roast. as 


though there were countless nuances to 
master. It just isn’t so. The roasting art 
follows one very simple guideline. Raw 
meat for roasting must be eminently 
able. It may be fresh, as іп the 
© of lamb or veal, or hoary with 
proper age, as in the case of beef and 
game, but in any instance, meat 
destined for roasting must be absolutely 
prime — not top choice — fine-grained as 
‚ and docilely tender. Anything else 
should be prepared in some other 
manner. Roasting success depends much 
less on the cook than it does on the 
butcher. 

Any idolater of roasts, no matter how 
brief his cooking experience may have 
been, can put a roast on the fire. The 
trick is in knowing when to take it off. 
"There's an exact moment when the flesh 
is done but juicy. The French call it 
à point. 11% literally the instant of escu- 
lent perfection. If you happen to pass 
it. you're cooked as well as the roast. 

For uniformly shaped roasts like ribs 
of beef. and racks or loins of lamb, the 
meat thermometer is one of civiliza- 
tion's most indispensable aids. Make 
sure that your thermometer is accurate: 
when it registers rare, your meat should 
be a luscious pink and not bloody or 
semigray. Epicures, who are mostly in- 
corrigible nonconformists, can never 
agree on just what the words “rare” or 
"medium" really mean. Meat thermom- 
eters indicate “rare” beef as meat which 
has reached 140° inside. But practiced 
becfeaters usually find 130° or 120° 
more to their liking. 

То test the donencss of birds, the 
cognoscenti of the roast profession 
usc a two-pronged fork or metal skewer. 
Jf, when the fork is inserted or when 
the bird is lifted from the pan, tail-end 
down. a rivulet of pink juice flows, the 
bird is rare. Wild ducks are always 
roasted ra But in the case of white- 
meated birds, the spurt of juice will be 
white and clear when the bird is à point. 
If no juice flows, your bird has passed 
into the great inedible beyond. A final 
test for roast birds is to wiggle the leg 
up and down at the second joint If it 
moves easily, it's ready for the holiday 
carving knife. И you must wrestle with 
it, return it to the fire until suitably 
tractable. 

While the pace of most styles of cook- 
ing quickens day by day, the art of 
roasting becomes slower. The old culi- 
nary adage — spare the heat and save 
the flesh — recently has been rediscov- 
cred. A fierce flame for 15 minutes or so 


134 may bc used for starting a roast. But 


after this initial baptism of heat, just 
as soon as the first hint of browning 
appears, the fire should be cut down 
drastically. The slow, casygoing tempera- 
tures make the roast juicier, рішпрег 
and more tender. Game birds and thin 
meat like filet of beef are exceptions. 
A slow fire makes them taste steamy 

For feasting with illustrious roasts. 
the finest still wines are the French red 
or white burgundies such as chambertin 
or montrachet. One of the blessings 
which American holiday feast makers 
enjoy is the fact that these great gifts of 
Bacchus are often more easily obtain- 
able in New York or other large Ате 
can cities than they are in London or 
Paris. The shelves here, for some years 
now, have boasted wider selections. And 
while the tariff may be higher. you'll 
often find top vintages not easily found 
in France itself. If you're in a quandary 
about which still wine goes with which 
Toast, you can always resolve it in one 
easy stroke by serving the foam of the 
angels— the driest French or American 
champagne you can buy. 

Since all great roasts are actually very 
simple presentations, they should be 
honored with flattering garnishes. Rich 
chestnut stuffing, grilled liqueur-Alavored 
fruit or wild rice make a perfect sup- 
porting cast for the star attractions which 
follow. 


ROAST CAPON, WILD RICE WITH WALNUTS 


(Serves six) 


71b. capon 

Salad oil 

Salt, pepper, MSG seasoning 

2 10-02. cans cooked wild rice 

3 ozs. broken walnut meat 

2 tablespoons butter 

2 cups chicken broth, 

14 cup dry white wi 

Brown gravy coloring 

2 tablespoons arrowroot or cornstarch 

Have butcher truss capon for roast 
ing, Preheat oven at 325°. Brush capon 
with salad oil Sprinkle with salt and 
pepper. Cover breast with aluminum 
foil. Place capon on a wire rack in an 
uncovered roasting pan. Roast for ap- 
proximately 3 hours or until tender. 
Remove aluminum foil a half-hour be- 
fore reasting is completed. While capon 
ік roasting, empty wild rice into а shal 
low pan or casserole. Sprinkle walnut 
meat on top. Dot with butter. Bake 20 
to 25 minutes. Remove capon from p: 
Throw off excess fat, but let dı 
remain. Add chicken broth and wine. 
Bring to a boil over top burner. Add 
brown gravy coloring if necessary. Dis- 
solve arrowroot in М cup cold water. 
Slowly add arrowroot to gravy. Simmer 
3 to 5 minutes. Season to taste with salt, 
pepper and MSG. Pass gravy in sauce- 
boat at table. Capon should be carved 
like turkey, that is, breast cut into thin 
slices, sccond joint cut into chunks, 


fresh or canned 


ad 


drumsticks left whole. 


ROAST FILET OF BEEF, MUSHROOM FONDUE 
(Serves six) 

5- to 6-Ib. whole beef tenderloin 

Salad oil 

Salt, pepper, paprika 

114 Ibs. fresh button mushrooms 

14 cup butter 

2 shallots or spring onions (white 

part) minced fine 

14 cup flour 

2 cups hot milk 

3 ozs. shredded process gruyère cheese 

3 tablespoons madeira or dark sherry 

Grated parmesan cheese 

2 tablespoons bread crumbs 

1 cup chicken broth 

1 packet instant bouillon powder 

Brown gravy coloring 

1 tablespoon butter 

Have butcher prepare tenderloin 
(usually listed as filet on menus) for 
roasting. He should remove outer fat 
nd membrane close to meat, and tie 
narrow end of filet under for roasting. 
Top fat may be returned as a protecti 
coating for roasting, but it prevents 
browning of meat. Brush meat (if fat is 
removed) generously with salad oil. 
Sprinkle with salt and pepper. Preheat 
oven at 450°. Roast until meat ther- 
mometer inserted in thickest part of filet 
shows 130°, This usually takes less than 
1 hour. Wash mushrooms. If bution 
mushrooms are unobtainable, and large 
mushrooms are used, cut them into quar- 
ters or eighths. Melt М cup butter in 
large wide saucepan. Sauté mushrooms 
in butter until tender. Add shallots. 
Sauté a minute or two longer. Remove 
pan from flame. 8 
well Slowly stir in milk, mixing con- 
stantly, Return pan to a moderate flame. 
Simmer 5 minutes. Add gruyère cheese 
and madeira. When cheese melts, remove 
pan from flame. Add salt and pepper to 
taste. Turn mushroom mixture into 
shallow baking pan or heatproof cas- 
serole. Sprinkle generously with par- 
mesan cheese, Sprinkle with bread 
crumbs, Sprinkle lightly with paprika 
and oil. Place pan or casserole under 
broiler flame until topping is browne 
Remove jilet from pan. Pour off excess 
fat Add chicken broth and bouillon 
powder. Add brown gravy coloring. 
Place pan over top burner and bring to 
a boil Scrape pan bottom and sides 
to loosen drippings. Add 1 tablespoon 
butter, and salt and pepper to taste. 
Carve filet at table in іп ісі slice 
Pass pan gravy and mushroom fondue 
separately at table. 


ROAST SADDLE OF LAM, CHIVE 
(Serves six) 
10-b. saddle (double loin) of lamb 
1% cups chicken broth, fresh or 
canned 
(concluded on page 2 


амт JELLY 


“Well, at least you’re not the last one to know.” 


135 


Y 


5554 


rima 


triply gifted | miss december is a prize package of holiday bounty 


оппа 


THE FAMILIAR HOLLY WOOD SAGA ОЁ child stardom — all too often end- 
ing in both real life and reel life with a fast fade-out when adoles- 
cence rears its ugly head — has been refreshingly rewritten by Donna 
Michelle, the azure-cyed 18-year-old who adorns our December 
gatefold. In the years since her triple flowering as a grade-school 
piano prodigy, drama-contest winner and bantam ballerina with the 
New York City Ballet, Donna has ripened under the Southern 
California sun into a mature mistress of her performing arts — and 
an offbeat beauty with a style and a mind emphatically her own. An 
honor graduate from L.A.’s Reseda High School, she enrolled this 
fall at UCLA for an ambitious 18-hour curriculum running the 
academic gamut from art history to abnormal psychology. "It's a 
scholastic smorgasbord,” she admits, “but with my appetite for 
learning, I don't think I've bitten off more than I can chew." In 
the category of between-meal snacks, Donna's varied diet of recre- 
ational reading ranges currently from Dante's Inferno (“La Dolce 


DIDI ТҮТЕТІП ТІТІТІТІН, 
hi ut Ti 


zo сеге 


Displaying the flowless form of o premiere donseuse, Donno slips into tights ond leotard for her weekly ballet closs at Hollywood's 
Eddie Gay Donce Studio, where she posses her bor exom with flying colors, then leaps oloft in on opplouse-worthy arabesque. 


MISS DECEMBER p.aveor's ravware oF tHe montis 


PLAYMATE PHOTOGRAPH BY POMPEO POSAR 
OTHER PHOTOGRAPHS BY EDMUND LEJA 

Vita with central heating") to Atlas Shrugged 
("After the second chapter, so did 1”). Equally 
discerning, if a bit more impulsi іп her 
choice of beaux, she digs the kind of guy 
“who's been around and looks it, who's worldly- 
wise without being world-weary, articulate and 
affirmative, but somewhat skeptical about the 
holiness of sacred cows.” Most important in a 
man, feels Donna, are two qualities: the cour- 
age to demand the right to be himself, and the 
grace to grant the same privilege to everyone 
else. “But 1 can’t ask what I can't offer,” she 
confesses. "I'm afraid 1 have a long list of 
third-class males who really set my teeth on 
edge— especially the moral Milquetoast who 
continues to obey unquestioningly the out- 
moded codes decreed by society's die-hard 
guardians of Victorian decency. Fortunately, 
you can't hold back a flood for long with a 
dike that's so full of holes. When it finally 
gives way, maybe well begin to understand, 
accept and, who knows, even rejoice in our 
sexual identities.” We'll drink to that. A 
Christmas present perfect — triple-featured 
herein as our holiday Playmate, double-cover 
girl and one of the 10 pretties we've picked as 
our favorite Playmates of the decade — Donna 
herself is reason enough for just such a cele- 
bration of feminine physiology. 


Though a chompion freestyler and skindiver, Donna avoids 
surfing "Frankly, I'm chicken”), hos a ball on the beach instead. 


Parked in her L.A. driveway, Triumph owner Donna dreams of a record-setting roce with Stirling Moss — “оп or off the 
course." No less ford of record spinning ("Anything but Mantovani and his musical molasses", she auditions a new LP. 


PLAY BOY’S PARTY JOKES 


Our Unabashed Dictionary defines Kool-Aid 
as charity for beatniks, 


Two well-known actors were exchanging boasts 
at Sardi's. “Well, I've been doing all тіріп," 
said the first one. “During the third act last 
ight, I virtually had the audience glued to 
their seats.” 

“Marvelous!” replied the second 
“Damned clever of you to think of tha 


ctor. 


Our Unabashed Dictionary defines meteorol- 
ові as a man who can look into a girl's eyes 
and predict whether. 


A friend of ours, who blows second sax in a 
chic society orchestra. was taking a break at 
the bar one evening and overheard the follow- 
ing conversation: 

“First, I'm going to buy you a few drinks 
and get you a little tight,” said the guy 
aggressively. 

"Oh no you're not," said the girl 

“Then TII take you to dinner and ply you 
with a [ew more drinks.” 

Оһ no you're nor 
"Then I'll take you to my apartment and 
keep serving you drinks." 

“Oh no you're not.” 

“Then I'm going to make violent, passionate 
love to you.” 

‘Oh no, you're not!” 

“And I'm not going to take any precautions 
ther!” said the guy. 
Oh yes you аге! 


said the girl. 


Our Unabashed Dictionary defines voyeurism 
s looking at the world through roue’s-colored 
glasses. 


Two knights, resplendent in shining armor 
and mounted on handsome steeds, rode 
through the forest followed by their meck lit- 
tle page who was huddled uncomfortably on 
is burro. As they arrived at a strange castle 
surrounded by the usual moat, one knight 
shouted the traditional "Tallyho" to inform 
the castle's proprietors that the travelers. de- 
sired lodging for the night. The drawbridge 
was soon lowered and out came a wispy fellow, 
ag robes of many colors. "Well, 
what can I do for you fellows?” he lisped. 


The tired knights, anxious for lodging but 
taken aback by their limp-wristed host, looked 
at each other in dismay, then one whispered 
to the other: “Promise him anything, but give 
him our page 


Our Unabashed Dict defines optimist as 
a pregnant showgirl who rubs vanishing cream 
on her stomach. 


And then there was the 50-year-old bachelor 
who woke up one morning feeling like a 20- 
year-old. But he couldn't find one that early 
in the day. 


Our Unat 


hed Dictionary defines Hungarian 


as a physically well-endowed man from Gary, 
Indiana. 


(in court, unfor- 
id obviously 
intelligent. The judge asked him how he 
pleaded to the charge of rape and, much to 
the he replied, 
guilty by reason of insanity, Your Honor. 

Insanity?” exclaimed the judge 
sir," said the defendant. 
about it." 


Im crazy 


Heard a good onc lately? Send it on a postcard 
10 Party Jokes Editor, vtAvnov, 232 E. Ohio Sl., 
Chicago, ШІ. 60611, and earn $25 for cach joke 
used. In case of duplicates, payment is made 
Jor first card received. Jokes cannot be returned. 


SEO SEI OR ON” 


143 


PLAYEOY 


144 much. Milton would never kuow, 


MOO 000 GAI PAN 


The minute he opened the door, I 
could see he had put on weight. It was 
also plain that motherhood hadn't been 
kind to Sylvie, either. I was immediately 
uncomfortable, and to stall for time, 
I picked up their son, who was about 
a year-and-ahalf and had apparently 
been conceived well within wedlock. 
The minute I laid hands on him, he 
went off like a burglar alarm. We all 
started cootchy-cooing and trying to 
coax him to smile, or at least shut up, 
for his uncle Paul, but it was no use. 
Finally Sylvie took him and pressed his 
face between her breasts to muffe him 
up. and Milton opened the window to 
let out the compressed air. He invited. 
me to stick my head out too and look 
down at his lawn, which he had bought 
and laid in divots like linoleum squares. 

Sylvie held her son in her lap, ready 
to smother him again if necessary, and 
we sat around talking nervously like 
three strangers in the dentists waiting 
room downstairs. I was trying to be 
charitable, to give Milton the benefit of 
the doubt, but it wasn't easy. The kid, 
for example, was unattractive, and it 
didn't look like the kind of unattractive- 
ness that he'd outgrow. Sylvie, on the 
other hand, seemed to be rapidly out- 
growing whatever attractiveness she had 
had. The way she bit off her d's and t's, 
it was like circumdsing every word. 
on's accent wasn't so bad —it had 
the nuances and inflections of a well- 
told Jewish joke— but with Sylvie it 
was no joke. 

She began all her sentences with so. 
So what are you going to do now? So 
you were in Japan? So you're a licuten- 
ant? and so on. When Milton and 1 
spoke, her head turned from one of us 
to the other as if she were at a tennis 
match. 

Am I jealous? I asked myself as we sat 
there fanning the conversational fire with 
clichés. Milton and 1 had planned to take 
a place in the Village when we got out of 
the Army, so I guess I was jealous. But 
not only for те — for him. He had been 
my best friend, my buddy, the closest 
thing 1 had to a brother, and I was jealous 
of all the things he might have been and 
1 might have shared with him. 

Of course 1 saw that he probably would 
have turned out to be just what he was 
now, but at least we'd have had the fun of 
trying. Ashamed of what I was thinking, 
I tried to look at it his way: What would 
we have done in the Village, after all? 
Strike too many poses, chase too many 
girls, waste too many evenings sitting in 
the San Remo, always hoping for 
expecting too much. . .. Most likely it 
would all have been pointless, but as some 
poet said, you never know how much is 
enough until you know how much is too 


(continued from poge 131) 


this realization opened such a distance 
between us that J felt I was still looking 
at him and talking to him from the other 
side of the world. 

After dinner, while Sylvie did the 
dishes, Milton and I watched television. 
It was still a new thing in 1947, and al- 
though his set was about seven feet tall 
and three deep — with a radio, phono- 
graph and bar built in — the screen was 
about the size of an enlarged snapshot. 
A stand-up, borscht-belt comic was on, 
and he was making faces at the audience. 
Then I saw that both he and Milton 
were laughing at the same time, and I 
felt a swift flash of anti-Semitism. He 
wasn't my buddy, my brother, anymore 
—he was just a Milton, and to him 1 
was just a goyish kopf. 

When it was time to go, I had the feel 
ing I would never sec him again, and I 
would have said something. 1 don't know 
what — everything, maybe — but Sylvie 
alked with us to the subway, so that was 


th 


After that we let it drop by mutual 
consent, but about a year later, when I 
was living in the Village, I ran into him. 
I was coming out of a secondhand book 
shop on Fourth Avenue and he was going 
somewhere to see somebody about some 
secondhand machines. At first 1 didn't 
recognize him because he was wearing a 
hat — d the confusion, we arranged 
to have dinner. 

I was to meet him on the corner of Fifth 
and Eighth at 6:30. In this, at least, he 
hadn't changed — it was a throwback to 
the old Brownsville days. When I used 
to go there to pick him up, he never 
waited for me in the house. Even if it 
was snowing, he'd meet me on the corner 
of Pitkin. In 10 years I'd been inside his 
family's apartment just once. | forget 
why we went in, but I still have an im- 
pression of a long railroad flat with win- 
dows at only one end. 


“You're not wearing your slippers?” 
This was his opening line when he ar 
rived. I'd had on sneakers when 1 saw 
him earlier. 

“I thought we might go to the Copa 
afterward," I said. “Where do you want 
то еа?” 

"I don't eat pizza." 

"I'll try to control my craving," I said. 
“Where do you want to eat?” 

He pursed his lips, then smacked them. 
“1 feel like Chinese, Let's go for Chi 
nes,” 

I never knew him to eat Chinese food 
before, but I should have guessed. At a 
ary bar miz- 
— every classical Jewish type begins 
to hunger for it. It must be some Oriental 
root in their racial unconsciou 

We settled for a Chinese joint in the 


block. There were two and he chose the 
fancier one. He hung up his hat and we 
slid into a booth. The waiter shuffled 
over with menus and he scanned his 
thoughtfully. I ordered sweet-and-sour 
pork and a bottle of beer. He chose Moo 
Goo Gai Pan, pronouncing it with Kew 
Gardens expertise, and added “Make that 
two Неіпекеп%." 

He put the menu down and smiled. “So 
what are you doing, Paulie?” 

1 wasn't going to be the first to open up, 
so I said, "Living. What are you doing?" 

“Come on,” he said. “Don't be afraid 
to talk to Pap: 

"I'm talking. What do you want me to 
say?" 

“I ask you what you're doing and you 
give me a fast answer." 

“All right, I'll give you a slow one. I'm 
going to school.” 

"You're going to school?" 

"Thats what I sai 

"You're twenty-seven years old.” 

“Uh-huh.” 

“You're two months older than me.” 

“Yeah. 

“And you're going to school?” 

"I may go ull I die." 

He shook his head. * 
going to school.” 

“What am I de 

“You're stalling: 

“A school by any other паше-” 

“You're stalling! You never went to a 
class when we were in Brooklyn College — 
so don't tell me you're going to school.” 

“My Uncle Sam offered to send me to 
school, and I didn’t feel like going to 
work, so I'm a schoolboy.” 

His high-pitched laugh always sounded 
strange coming out of his hard face. "So 
you don't feel like going to work?" 

“You like to work?" 

"Lunatics like to work, but that's beside 
the point. What else have you got to do?" 

"I can think of a lot of things. I read 
books, I take walks, I sleep, I think—” 

"You think! You think whether you'll 
read a book, take a walk, or maybe you'll 
go to sleep?" 

"When is the last time you read a 
book?" 

"I've got no time for books. I get home, 
pat the kid on the head, eat dinner — it's 
nine o'clock. I get up at six-thirty. Where 
am I going to read a book? Besides, I'm 
reading invoices all day." 

"You look at television, don't you?” 

“Yeah. 

“Books won't blind you any faster than 
television.” 

“I can see a whole television show in 
half-an-hour. I read a book for half-an 
hour, it's just time for a character to take 
a cap." 

“АП right, you pat the kid on the head 
and you watch television — is that it?" 

"I live, you schmuck, like you said — 
only with me it's ue. I read, I walk. Т 

(continued on'‘page 234) 


‘Nah, you're not 


gi" 


SALTPETER 
AND THE WOLF 


disarming the myths about pubic 
enemy number one, the sneaky 


white foe of red-blooded manhood 


article by william zinsser 


SEATED ONE DAY at the table next to a 
teenage nephew, I soon ran out of topics 
that bridged his generation and mine, 
and a painful silence settled over us both. 
Suddenly I thought of a subject that I 
knew we would have in common. 

“At your school,” I asked, "where do 
they put the saltpeter?" 

He brightened at the question. "It's 
usually in the mashed potatoes. Where 
did they put it at your school?” 

“Ош headmaster got up in the morn- 
ing and put it in the hot cereal,” I said, 
“but in the Army we thought it was in 
the chipped beef. Tell me: How often 
do you get it?” 

“Once or twice a week,” he replied, 
“and also on special occasions. I mean, 
the headmaster always puts saltpeter in 


PLAYBOY 


thc food before dances." 

"Ном do you know you're getting it?” 

“You can taste the stuff," he said. 

As we talked on, I was delighted to 
find that this ancient belief survives as 
strongly as ever in the nation’s youth. 
For if there is one thing that gi 
tinuity to the galloping gen 
American schoolboys, schoolgirls, camp- 
crs and servicemen, it is the certainty 
that saltpeter is being slipped into their 
meals to reduce their sexual urges. In 
theory this keeps their minds on work. 

The belief is so old and tant 
that 1 decided to track it — if possible — 
to its source. I began by making a sur- 
vey of my middle-aged friends, and it 
turned out to be a sure-fire topic. All I 
had to do was drop the word “saltpeter” 
into a conversation and I might as well 
have dropped a bomb. People stopped 
talking about whatever dull topic they 
were talking about and plunged with 
relish into this one, their faces alight 
with a curiosity that time has never 
quenched. For an aura of mystery con- 
tinues to surround the saltpeter story. 
Everybody knows everything about it, 
and yet— this is the spooky part —no- 
body knows anything. 

Nobody, for instance, has ever wit- 
nessed the act of saltpetering the food, 
though legions of students have kept 
strict watch during their tours of duty as 
kitchen help. It is simply assumed that 
the cook keeps his saltpeter in an un- 
marked box and that he sprinkles it into 
the meals with a motion too fast for the 
human cye to see, or too casual to arouse 
suspicion. Nobody seems to know what 
saltpeter looks like. 

Whether it works is a question, as 1 
found in my survey, that evokes answers 
ol every shade from a resentful yes to a 
defiant no. But on one point there is 
total agreement, and this is the belief 
that saltpeter is white and that it goes 
into white or whitish foods. How this 
notion arose is not hard to guess, for in 
the school and camp diets no colors come 
out of the kitchen with such stunning 
regularity as the small group that in- 
cludes "oyster," "chalk" and "tattletale 
gray." White dominates the table, start- 
ing with dawn's carly farina, continuing 
with midday’s mashed potatoes, and end- 
ing with supper's flabby puddings. 

White sauces are particularly suspi- 
cious. Surely it is no accident that 
chipped beef is such a staple o£ institu- 
tional cooking. Here is a meat that liter- 
ally swims in a viscous sca— one so 
devoid of taste and color that it can't 
contain anything good and therefore 
must contain saltpeter. Possibly it was 
even invented for this very purpose, long 
ago, by a school cook stuck with a medi- 


146 coculinary problem. 


But there аге half-a-dozen other tradi- 
tional villains, “At our school,” one 
matron in her 30s told me, “I just know 
it was in the fisheyes." She was referring, 
of course, to tapioca. The very fact that 
it bears this generic name is proof of 
its unpopularity, and this in turn makes 
it an ideal host for saltpeter, for on the 
whole, saltpeter is identified with foods 
that nobody likes. 

Another big faction says that it goes 
into the fish —and with good reason. In 
the entire realm of cookery there is no 
substance whiter or drearier than a 
boarding:school sole or scrod. But this 
theory has one big flaw — many people 
don’t like fish. They leave it on their 
plate, or merely pick at it, and so miss 
their allotted dose of saltpeter. 

‘This is a risk that a wise headmaster 
would not take. He would more prob- 
ably go to the other extreme and fix the 
vanilla ice cream. Many adults believe 
that this is where they got their saltpeter, 
and they are still angry about it. “Why 
do you think the headmaster gave us 
vanilla ice cream so often?” they asked 
me, flaring with remembered wrath. 
‘They have a point—it makes more 
sense to lace the coveted ice cream than 
the hated fish or fisheyes. 

But one theory far outnumbers the 
rest, and that of course is the one that 
points the finger at mashed potatoes, In 
part this theory is based on the sheer 
repetition of mashed potatoes in the 
school diet. But mainly, it is because 
mashed potatoes— at least as they are 
prepared in institutional kitchens — 
have a lumpy quality that the tongue 
encounters nowhere else. Within their 
soft white mass dwells a colony of hard 
little mounds, which could only be in- 
duced by some alien element. What more 
likely element than KNO% as saltpeter 
is known to chemistry? 

Confirmed in my own belief that salt 
peter gocs into white foods, I next 
wanted to learn how often it is adminis 
tered. The question is a crucial one, 
obviously, for anybody who knows the 
answer can arrange his eating habits ac- 
cordingly. Most people feel that they got 
saltpeter once а week, but some feel diat 
they were given a far heavier dose. 

“We got it four or five times a week, 
one man told me. “Our headmaster was 
а very nervous type.” 

“Our headmaster,” said another, “got 
up every morning and shook it into the 
breakfast" Quite a few people, іп fact, 
made this statement and were absolutely 
sure of it. It was simply the first item 
on the headmaster's daily schedule. 

The dose was also increased (there is 
almost unanimous agreement here) at 
times of approaching contact with the 
opposite sex. "Our food was always 


saltier near the end of the term," I was 
told. This was to keep the boys and 
girls from straying into trouble during 
vacation and thereby sullying the 
school's good name. Any boy with hopes 
of conquest took care not to cat anything 
white during the preholiday week — a 
tactic which, needless to say, brought hi 
close to starvation. ОҒ all the strands іп 
the saltpeter saga, this is one of the most 
sinister, for it would enable a hcadmas- 
ter to rule his wards even when they had 
passed beyond his jurisdiction — when 
they were, so to speak, operating on their 
own е. He also cracked down, evi- 
dently, just before school dances. “Boy, 
the Old Man really salted the food 
then!” many people said. 

Nor does the Old Man rule only the 
boarding-school and summer-camp years. 
A World War II veteran recalls that 
his company cook showed him a weekly 
table of saltpeter doses, which varied 
with the different Army recipes. 1 never 
saw such a chart in my own Army days, 
but 1 did feel that my commanding ofti- 
cers would go to any length to repress 
ше, for they never tired of giving us 
punitive lectures on “sex hygiene” and 
showing grisly films on vencreal disease. 

Up to this point my survey merely 
uncovered theories. But I was after facts, 
if any facts there were in this misty 
realm of legend and hearsay. 1 went first 
to the New York Public Library, which 
has 127 cards on "saltpeter." Not one, 
however, dealt with its biological effect 
or with its use in schools, camps, military 
institutions, prisons or any other monas- 
tic society. In fact, the majority dealt 
with its use as a fertilizer and as an ex- 
plosive. Clearly I was on the wrong track 
here—to say the least. 1 had to get 
nearer the source, so 1 wrote to two 
friends who are headmasters of boys’ 
boarding schools and asked them point 
blank: “Do you or don’t you?” 

“I checked with our infirmarian,” the 
first one wrote back, “and she said that 
when she was in nursing school she 
heard that saltpeter was served; with a 
member of our faculty who was an offi 
cer in the Navy, and he said that the 
sailors on board ship in the last war 
were certain of it, but that so far as he 
could ever ascertain, there was nothing 
to it; and lastly with our school doctor, 
who again had heard the rumor but had 
never encountered the application of 
saltpeter to meals." 

The second headmaster was quite in- 
dignant. "I've been in the teaching bus 
ness a long time," he replied, 
been in charge of school 
known the cooks. and it's all a myth. Гуе 
been headmaster here for 21 years, and 
frankly, I spend as much time with the 

(concluded on page 150) 


солу 


xx 


e 
-А CORKING 
FICTION BY LAWRENCE DURRELL THAT DEDICATED DIPLOMAT, THE REDOUBTABLE 
ANTROBUS, WAXES NOSTALGIC OVER PAST COMBAT WITH WASSAIL BOWL AND FIRKIN 


ALL зау TODAY (said Antrobus), I have been addressing Christmas cards, an occupation 
both melancholy and exhilarating; so many of us have gone leaving no address. ‘They 
have become “BAG ROOM PLEASE FORWARD,” so to spcak. Some arc Far Flung, some Less 
Far Flung, some Flung Out Altogether, like poor Toby. It is а scason which sets one to 
wondering where Diplomatic Dips go when they die, old man; do they know that they 
can't take it with them, or is there perhaps a branch of Coutts’ in Heaven which will take 
postdated checks? And if they live on as ghosts, what sort of ghosts? Is there a diplomatic 
limbo — perhaps some subfusc department of the UN where they are condemned perpetually 
to brood over such recondite subjects as the fishing rights of little tufted Papuans? Аһ me! 
But perhaps it would be more like some twilit registry where a man might yet sit down 
to a game of cooncan with a personable cipherine. . . . 

Yes, as I rifled my address book so many forgotten faces drifted across my vision. 
Who will ever tell their stories? Not I. What has become of Monksilver and Blackdimple — 
those two scheming Jesuits? What of “Tumbril” Goddard who believed in the Soviet 
way of life until he tried kvass? What of old “Tourniquet” Matthews and “Smegma” 
Schmidt, the Polish avalanche? If ever the secret history of the Office is written, their 
names will be blazoned abroad. Some have never had their due —like poor little Reggie 
and Mercy Mucus, the British Council couple. ‘They died in the execution of their duty, 
eaten by wolves. Despite the falling barometer they tried to cross a frozen lake bearing 
a sack full of Collins’ Clear Type Shakespeares; they were heading for some remote and 
flyblown khan where their eager clientele of swineherds waited patiently, eager to ingest 
all this foreign lore. In vain! In vain! 

Phen my eye fell upon the 


ame of Dovebasket, and forgotten scenes thronged back, 
one more painful than the next. I remembered, for example, the age of emulation — I 
have often remarked how emulous heads of Missions can be. That winter it was cham- 
pagne. Several old European cellars had been up for sale and (concluded on page 213) 


EVENING 


147 


PLAYBOY 


“What a 
busi 


grand old performer! Fifty years in show 
ness and he’s still packing them in.” 


TELL NE, HOWIE... i$ iT TUE WHAT THEY 


aa SYMBOLIC SEX 


more sprightly spoofings of the signs of our times 


humor By DON ADDIS 


n PLEASE, NoRMAN... 
Now THEN... YOUR PIACE SR MINE? NT Polite T E 


Guess WHo! 
1 Said p 
"AT EASE 4 
FERGUSON! б Q 


1 Сол HAVE ToL? 
You YouD GET NoWHERE 


| WISH You HAD TeLP ME ти ER 
iT WAS А CoSToME AFFAIR! 2 
YouR MIND is 
WANDERING AGAIN, 
Tommy 2 
-2. 


SALTPETER 


steward and dietitian as with anyone 
else, in the hope of having the food 
good, attractive and tasty. I have never 
heard of any saltpeter being put in our 
food. As a matter of fact, it’s ridiculous 
to even think about it. So if you want to 
really know the truth as far as this head- 
master is concerned, he has never seen 
any saltpeter put in the food, he knows 
nothing of any saltpeter ever having 
been put in any food, and the question 
is a glorification of the unimportant. At 
least, if the cooks did it, І never heard 
about 

Strong evidence, I had to admit — but 
not conclusive. Did not both headmas- 
ters hedge slightly? You bet your chipped 
beef they did. I needed something more 
solid, so I went to our family doctor. 

“It's curious" he said, “but medicine 
has hardly any use nowadays for potas- 
sium nitrate, or saltpeter. There was a 
time when it was inhaled —or put in 
cigars—to relieve bronchial spasms. 
"Today we use it, and not too often, only 
in the treatment of kidney diseases, 
where we want the potassium. We never 
want the nitrate, which is actually harm- 
ful. In fact, saltpeter is a powerful poison 
if a person gets too much of it.” 

"But," I asked, “what about this mat- 
ter of what it does to — I mean when I 
was in school we all knew that the head- 
master put it —" 

“I must say," he broke in, "that I've 
heard about that all my life, but there's 
just no medical evidence to support it. 
What's more, potassium nitrate tastes 
very salty and is extremely hard to dis- 
guise, even in a small dose. The thera- 
peutic dose of potassium nitrate as a 
diuretic in kidney ailments is a half gram. 
You put a half gram of saltpeter in any- 
thing and it will be detected. "Try it. 
Stop at the druggist's and get a pinch of 
saltpeter and put it in your coffee, and 
you'll see for yourself it's only a myth." 

So that was it. I was at the end of the 
trail. It was only a myth. Myth! The 
word suddenly set off a carillon in my 
head. Any boob knows that myths don’t 
just come from nowhere. They come 
from somewhere — from some dim land 
called “race memory,” from some cranny 
of the mind whose messages we receive, 
but indirectly. I hurried over to a psy- 
choanalyst and put my problem to him. 

"Oh, that’s a very old and interesting 
legend,” he said. “Of course psychiatry 
has a sound explanation for it. You'll 
find the basic hypothesis postulated іп 
Freud's Totem and Taboo.” 

Couldn't you just postulate it for me 
in your own words?" I asked. 

“Well, ifs quite simple, really. You 
sce, this concept that something is being 
done to curb sexual impulses must spring 
from the unconsciousness of the individ- 

150 wal, or, in the case of a school, from the 


PLAYBOY 


(continued from page 146) 


collective unconsciousness of all the stu- 
dents. A great deal of guilt accompanies 
masturbatory activities,” he said. “For 
one thing, the fantasies accompanying 
these activities often center on the 
young masters’ wives. The saltpeter myth 
is an intrapsychic reaction that the stu- 
dent develops to handle his chaotic 
thoughts at this age. It's somewhat like 
a paranoid reaction — though not as 
strong — because it takes the form of 
guilt and suspicion. The boy thinks "The 
headmaster's going to punish ше)" 

"How is this tied in with Freud's 
theory?" I asked. 

"Well, you know Freud felt that. all 
men were constitutionally afraid of their 
fathers. He theorized that in the first 
society on earth, the sons ultimately slew 
their fathers and took over the leader- 
ship of the tribe, including the sexual 
rights with thcir own mothers. In this 
‘primal parricide,’ as Freud called it— 
and, incidentally, you'll find the tale 
confirmed in the mythology of many 
races— the sons incurred overwhelming 
guilt about the return of the father's 
spirit and the awful punishment that 
he would inflict. This punishment would 
naturally be castration.” 

"Naturally," I said. 

"Now you can see how the saltpeter 
myth would grow out of all this," the 
analyst went on. "Saltpeter would tem- 
porarily castrate. In the minds of school- 
boys or soldiers or sailors it would be the 
logical step for a headmaster or com- 
manding officer to take as a reprisal for 
their guilty sexual thoughts. This is why 
the word goes out, when a ship is ap- 
proaching port or when a school is about 
to have a dance, that saltpeter is being 
put into the food." 

"Then it's a group reaction more 
than an individual reaction?" І asked. 

“In general, yes. When a boy goes off 
to boarding school or camp he is heavily 
exposed for the first time to erotic talk 
about girls. The fact that everyone talks 
about the subject gives it a collective 
sanction. And by the same token, the 
saltpeter is directed by the headmaster 
at the collective group.” 

“Many of the young members really 
seem to believe," I said, “that the head- 
master goes to the kitchen first thing 
every morning to pour the saltpeter. 
How do you explain that?" 

"It's all part of the same delusion,” he 
said. "I had a headmaster who lent him- 
self to that kind of omnipotence. He got 
up early each day and walked over the 
entire school grounds with an cnormous 
great Dane. Any boy seeing him would 
think of him as the all-seeing, all-know- 
ing chiel of the tribe. If you were being a 
good boy. he was being a good headmas- 
ter, and if not, you would suspect him of 
terrible retribution. 


“Saltpeter is the perfect pui 
of course, because it's so subtle. 
to eat, so nobody can escape the chief's 
revenge. You are helpless and choiceless, 
and it's only what you deserve for the 
crime that you might even be thinking 
about girls this way." 

I staggered out of the analyst's opaque 
world into the clear reality of New York 
City, visions of my own headmaster 
swirling in my mind. I saw his kindly 
figure carved into a totem pole with a 
vial of saltpeter in one hand and a 
lollipop in the other. 

Only one question remained. How, of 
all the chemical substances that the earth 
has yielded, did the legend focus on 
saltpeter? Here again the scholars have 
been remiss, and the usual dictionaries 
offer scant help. The sole clue lurks in 
the unabridged Oxford English Diction- 
ary, which says that one meaning of 
"saltpeter" derives from the French La 
Salpétriére, “a hospital for women at 
Paris, formerly a prison for women.” Its 
English equivalent, says the O.E.D., is 
“saltpetre house,” the first recorded use 
of which (1767) is: “а woman condemned 
to be branded and confined to the salt- 
petre house for nine years.” 

That the myth came into the Anglo- 
Saxon world by this route seems a good 
bet, for prisons have always figured 
strongly in the legend — if not as strong- 
ly as schools, camps and Army bases, 
that is only because fewer people have 
come out into polite society to tell the 
tale. But the sexual problems of jail in- 
mates are proverbial, and a rumor easily 
could have swept some early English 
“saltpetre house” that the warden was 
putting a white powder into the food to 
curb the prisoners’ appetites. 

As for the origin of La Salpétriére, I 
have a hunch that Saltpeter and Saint 
Peter are subtly intertwined — ог were 
several centuries ago — but I'll leave that 
to other researchers. My own investiga- 
tion ended with a stop at the druggist, 
who measured out a half gram of salt- 
peter and gave it to me. I took it home 
with trembling hands— here at last I 
was face to face with the enemy. The 
powder was, not at all to my surprise, 
white. The crystals were larger than ordi- 
nary salt, but they could easily be ground 
up into, say, mashed potatoes or fisheyes 
ог vanilla ice cream. I dumped the little 
grains into a cup of сойсе and they dis- 
solved instantly. No man would know, 
at least by looking, that the coffee had 
been treated. 

Shakily I lifted the cup and took a sip. 
It tasted terrible. I started take an- 
other swallow, but some inv le force 
—some primal instinct that came from 
I know not where — pushed my hand 
back to the table, I took the cup out to 
the kitchen and poured the coffee down 
the drain, A man can't be too careful. 


: > fh 
xu = СЫ. 
x с. ; ^ béelzebub 


he knew he had to destroy this buzzing. hoses that had Mailed its filth into his private hell 


— L^ fiction By ROBERT BLOCH 


HOWARD WAS STILL HALF-ASLEEP when he heard the buzzing. It was a faint, persistent drone, balanced 
„delicately on the very threshold of consciousness. For a moment Howard wasn't sure whether the sound 
came from the sleeping side or the waking side of his mind. God knows, he'd heard plenty of strange 
noises in his sleep lately; made them, too. Anita was always complaining about how he'd wake up in 
the middle of the night, screaming at the top of his lungs. But he had reasons to be upset, the way 
‘things were going, and besides, Anita was always complaining, period. 

The drone deepened insistently and Howard knew he was awake now. He could feel the stale heat 
of the bedroom and the response his body was making to it — the loginess of his limbs and the cold 
pattern of perspiration forming on them. 

Bzzzzzzz. 

Howard opened his eyes. 

The room was dim, but the California sunshine filtering through the smog was also filtering 


PLAYBOY 


through the interstices of the window 
blinds. [ust enough to transform the 
bungalow-court apartment into a small 
oven with its baking heat. Just enough 
to give Howard a glimpse of what he 
didn't want to see—the living room 
filled with a fan-shaped clutter of cloth- 
ing and furniture radiating from the axis 
of the rollaway bed, the cubbyhole 
kitchen through the open archway, with 
the caked and crusted dishes heaped in 
the sink. Yes, and the damned portable 
typewriter on the table in the corner, its 
carriage accusingly empty and its un- 
touched keys leering up like rows of 
dusty teeth. 

Rows of dusty teeth — Christ, man, 
what a writer you are! When you're 
asleep, that is. 

But he wasn't asleep. He could hear 
that buzzing. Louder now, much louder. 
Goddamned fly. How'd it get in here, 
with all the windows tight shut? Anita 
had a thing about opening windows, no 
how hot it was, when she had 
And she always had the 


matter 


Howard sat up. The noise was too loud 
to be coming from the kitchen. Lt had 
to be here in the room. He turned and 
glanced at the huddle in the bed beside 
him. 

The sun glinted off the curlers. A ray 
played cruelly across Anita's neck, ac 
centuating the stringy fold. 

That's where the fly was sitting. At 
first he thought it was Anita's mole. 
But moles don't move. Moles don't buzz. 

It was а fly, all right. He stared at 
Anita, thinking God how he hated the 
isy, rasping at your nerves, 
‘ound when you don't want it, 


privacy. Dirty, messy creature, carrying 
ша- 

Somehow his hand had drawn back 
and now it was coming forward; he 
wanted to hit not too hard, just swat 
it and destroy it because it had to be 
destroyed, he had to get rid of it. 

Howard wasn't conscious of the blow 
or its force. Realization of i pact 
shed before the overwhelming ex- 
ion of Anita's shrill scream. 

“Oh, you bastard!” And then she was 
ing up, striking at him; not once, but 
nd again, harder and harder, and 
eking louder and louder. "You — you 
ng to kill me while I'm asleep” 
It was crazy, she was crazy, and he 
was trying to explain about the fly, he 
was only going to swat the fly, but she 
wouldn't listen, she never listened when 
she got into one of those hysterical 
rages. She was crying, sobbing, stumbling 
into the bathroom; of course she locked 
the door. There was no sense continuing 
with the same old ‚ no sense pound- 
ing on the panel and stammering out 


152 apologies. АШ he could do was find his 


clothes and get dressed, locate his brief 
сазе under the jumble of her clothing. 
Past nine already, and his appointment 
was at ten. He had to be there on time 

In his haste, Howard forgot all about 
the fly. What he had to decide now was 
whether to spend the next 20 minutes 
catching a cup of collec at the drugstore 
о the barbershop 
He settled for the 
it was more important to show 
up looking presentable. 

Luck was with him, He got the car 
started without any trouble, made it 
over to the barbershop. There was a 
vacant chair. Howard settled back in it, 
grateful for the hot towels that blotted 
ош the sound of the radio and the sight 
of the autographed photos on the wall. 
Why was it that every damned barber- 
shop in this town had to keep the ra 
blatting at full volume, had to disfigure 
the wall with faded pictures of faded 
actors? 

And why was it that barbers didn't 
have enough sense to keep their places 
clean? 

Howard found himself flinging the 
sheet aside before the barber had finished 
applying after-shave lotion. “What's the 
matter with you guys— can't you even 
keep the lousy flies out of here?" 

He hadn't meant to blow up, and 
come to think of it, there was only 
fly, buzzing around the ceiling in How- 
ard's range of vision as he lay tilted 
back in the chair. 

But Howard didn't come to think of 
it until he was out of the shop, until 
the damage was done. The way that 
crummy barber had looked at him— 

Oh, well, he wouldn't be going back 
there again anyway. There were plenty 
of other barbers around. 

Not so many producers, though. At 
lcast not so many who wanted to make 
a deal with him. Howard reminded him- 
self of that as he wheeled up to the 
studio gate. He put a big smile on his 
face for the guard who directed him to 
parking space, and an even bigger smile 
for Miss Rogers, secretary in the outer 
ofice of Trebor Productions. But he 
saved the biggest smile for Joe Trebor. 

That took a little doing. First of all, 
there was the damned half-hour wait 
the outer office. Well, that was Trebor 
for you—an A-OK ratfink. Of course 
they were all alike, these producers. 
‘They all had the same routine. Set up 
an appointment, then postpone it. Set 
up another, give you the pressure; “How 
soon can you make it? Tomorrow morn- 
ing? Good—10 o'dock sharp, іш my 
office. I'll leave а pass at the gate for 
you. 

So you showed up promptly at 10, 
carrying the bı па taking the 
best possible care of that extia-big smile 
so that wouldn't crack around the 
edges. And then you sat there like a 


case 


damned fool in the reception. room, 
crossing and uncrossing your legs in the 
uncomfortable little chair, trying not to 
stare at the secretary as she kept putting 
calls through to the guy you were sup- 
posed to be secing right now. Sometimes 
you even sat there while the charm boys 
finger-snapped their way in and out of 
the sanctum sanctorum; the sharp young 
agents, hair just a little too long over 
the back of the buttondown collar, 
trousers just a little too tight in the 
scat, always a little bit ahead of you as 
they made their pitch, set their deal — 
for somebody else. 

Howard got into Joe Trebor's office 
at 10:32. He stayed six minutes. 

‘Three minutes later he was standing 
before a pay phone in a glass booth, 
trying to dial Dr. Blanchard's number 
with a forefinger that wouldn't stop 
trembling, then interrupting the in- 
coherency he poured into the mouth- 
piece to take a wild swipe at the insect 
that soared and swooped insanely within 
the confines of the phone booth. “Irs 
following me!" he shouted into the 
mouthpiece. "The damned thing's fol- 
lowing me—" 


"Do you want to talk about it now?” 
asked Dr. Blanchard quietly, as Howard 
sank back into the big, leather-covered 
chair. Scarcely another 20 minutes had 
elapsed, but Howard was now quite 
calm. And of course he wanted to talk 
about it 

"That's why he'd called Blanchard, even 
though it wasn't his regular appointment 
day, that’s why he'd come running over 
here to the nice, quict office where you 
could sit back and relax and nobody 
pressured you. 

It wasn't like Joe Trebor's office — he 
was telling the doctor about that now. 
About the phony modern paintings on 
the walls the desk with the high 
executive chair behind it and the low 
chair in front of it, the one you sat in 
When you sat in that chair the producer 
looked down on you and you had to 
look up to You looked up over that 
bare desk which told you here was a 
man too important to waste his time 
on mere paperwork the way writers did. 
You looked at the intercom and the 
phone with the six extension buttons 
ch showed just how busy a producer 
he was, and at the solid-silver water carafe 
which showed just how wealthy he was. 
а looked at the picture of the wife 
and kids, which was supposed to show 
you what а solid citizen he was, if you 
didn't happen to know the stories about 
the way he interviewed for fem 
leads. 

But you didn't look directly 
Trebor, ng at you. 
Staring and waiting for you to come up 
with the story line. You got the notes 

(continued on page 203) 


use he was st 


EDITORS’ CHOICE 


ten personal favorites from playboy’s first ten years 


WE REALIZE WE'RE LEADING WITH our Collective chin by declaring the “best” of the more than 100 Playmates who've 
enlivened our centerfold in our first 10 years, but even among Playmates, we feel, some girls just stand out. Disa- 
greement with our selections is bound to arise; there are undoubtedly as many individual lists possible as there 
are readers with adequate eyesight. To preclude having our office picketed by irate partisans, therefore, we are 
willing to make a deal: Promise to view our editors’ choice with an open mind, and we in turn will —in the 
issues subsequent to this one — feature, each month, the Playmates of one year of the past decade. We invite your 
votes on them by mail. Then, next December, at the end of our 10th Annive 


Year, we'll print a Readers’ Choice 
of Playmates, and sec how your preferences compare with our own. Be apprised, however, that this month's 


compilation — judging fr 


m the amount of fan mail cach Playmate's initial appearance evoked — is close to 
being the choice of readers as well as of our editors, Surprisingly, our more famous Playmates such as Stella 
Stevens, Jayne Mansfield and our first and most memorable Playmate of all, Marilyn Monroe (to whom rtAvnov 
devotes an entire feature next month), are not in this grouping. The possible reason for this is that the photo- 
graphic charm of these lesser known beauties (now the pin-up queens of the 


ation and the world) has overcome any 
inclination we might have had to judge by standards of lame alone. In short, we think our selections are just 
plain terrific, and if you'll take a look, we'll rest our c 


JANET PILGRIM holds the distinction of being 
the only Playmate featured in the centerfold on 
three different occasions — July 1955, December 
1955, and October 1956 — ond was the inspira- 
fion for PLAYBOY's "girl next door” Playmate соп- 
cept. Jonet was in charge af our Subscription 
Fulfillment when she first posed and hos been, for 
the past several years, heading up Reader Service. 


USA WINTERS first appeared upon 
these pages as Playmate of the Month 
in December 1956, after her discovery 
— on а Miami street corner waiting far a 
bus —by top pin-up photographer Bunny 
Yeager. А shy and retiring girl, Lisa's fan- 
tastic figure and winsome smile brought 
rave responses from our readers, and 
she has remained a high point in the 
annals of aur gatefold girls. We hope 
that the state of Florida will forgive our 
poaching on its property, because the 
irremediable loss to mole bus riders 
in sunny Miami has obviously been 
the fortunate PLAYBOY readers’ gain. 


JOYCE NIZZARI is another happy result of Bunny Yeoger's ever-ready eye for 
beauty. Her bore-battamed Playmate pose in December 195B is regarded by famous 
publisher Bennett Cerf as the best pin-up phato ever to appear in PLAYBOY. Romon- 
tically linked ot various times with Frank Sinatra, Andy Williams and televisian-movie 
director Jahn Frankenheimer, she is still happily single, and works on PLAYBOY promo- 
tions between her busy schedule of assignments as a top model. Beauty-contest winner 
Joyce has also worked as a showgirl, Playboy Bunny, and in a number of motian pictures. 


. ELLEN STRATTON was studying low at night when we first di 
and uncavered her in December 1959. УЛ 
“she met TV director Gordon Shepherd (who film 
TY documentary on the Bunny , 
апа she is now working 


HEIDI BECKER is the provocative Austrian-born 
beauty who first graced our centerfold in June 1961. 
Discovered by top PLAYBOY photographer Morio Casilli 
on the West Coast, Heidi's splendorous qualifications 
made a certainty of her selection as a top-10 placer 
after strenuous deliberation about an entire decade 
of Playmates. Her penchant for prolific pizzo-eating 
(molto cheese and sausage, but na anchovies, prègo) 
has yet to adversely affect her 36-22-34 tabulations. 


CHRISTA SPECK, an eye-catching import from Ger- 
many, is a close friend of Heidi's, though they met only 
offer both were living in California. Voted Playmate of 
the Year afier her appearance as Miss September in 1961 
{and as a lovely guest ct our Playmate Holidoy House 
Party, December 1961), she subsequently became engaged 
to puppeteer Marty Krofft (see What a Night Before 
Christmas! in this issue). Christo's favorite pastimes are 


jazz listening, modern dance, ond trampoline workouts. 


— - = —— 


E KIMBLE was a bright ond bright-eyed 17-year-old when 
|. PLAYBOY first discovered her in our own home town, Chicago, going 
| to school by day and working as о photographer's assistant after- 
| поопа and eorly evenings. Shortly after her 18th birthdoy, she 

appeared as our Playmate for the month of November 1962. Her 
| oppearance in PLAYBOY helped finance her secret dream, ап an- 
tique shop, intriguingly named Fly Ву Night, which successful ond 
enterprising emporium our rara Avis — strikingly nonantique — 
now operates in the heart of the city’s prospering Old Town. 


ме (es, 
CONNIE MASON was о top model and а Bunny in bath the Miami and 
Chicago Playboy Clubs when she appeared as our Playmate of the 
Month this past June. Her expressive face and provocative posing have 
reaped a wave of motion-picture and television offers, including one | 
from film producer Howard Hawks. Connie is currently warking in New 


Yark City, and has been romantically linked with White House foshion 


designer Oleg Cassini, wha confesses that his personal taste in women runs | 
to Playmates like Connie rather than scrawny high-fashion monneq 1 


CHRISTINE WILLIAMS is the stunning, 
Bardat-like Amazonian beauty whose 
high popularity is only enhanced by 
her 6-foot (in her bare feet), 37-26-37 
charms. This year’s October Playmate, 
Christine is now under the diligent 
mentarship af top Hallywoad agent 
William Schuller, and beginning a prom- 
ising career in motion pictures. Only 18 
years old, Christine hopes that she will 
someday be a fomaus stor of the screen. 
It should be obvious ta aur readers 
from these pictures that Christine con 
well afford ta be optimistic on that score. 


PLAYBOY 


MORALS OF MONEY 


For example, 1 have four grown sons. 
All chose to enter the family business. 
When each made his decision to do so, 
he was allowed to start right in — at the 
bottom of the ladder. My sons served 
their apprenticeships by serving cus- 
tomers in filling stations owned by my 
companies. They sold gasoline and 
lubricating oil, filled batteries, changed 
tires and did their share of cleaning 
grease racks and sweeping and mopping 
the premises where they worked. 

Yet, innumerable casual acquaint- 
ances have blandly asked me to do them 
a "favor" and give their sons, or un- 
employed relatives, executive-level jobs 
in the firms I control. They never seem 
to understand why I turn them down, 
and almost always become highly i 
dignant when I do. 

‘Then there are those who ask me for 
tips which will make them rich over- 
night —or within a week or two at 
most. It’s useless to tell them I have 
none to give. The get-rich-quick dream- 
ers won't believe me. 

“You damned jonaires are all 
selfish and unfair!" "You've got secrets 
for making money, but you won't share 
them." “You don't want anyone else to 
get rich!” So go some of the tirades 
against me. 

Apparently, these individuals believe 
that modern business is conducted in the 
dark of the moon by warlocks and 
sorcerers who chant mystical incanta- 
“ and draw pentagrams on the 
floors of board rooms. It doesn't do any 
good to argue with them. They will not 
believe that hard work — not tips or 
secrets — is the key to business success. 
They don't want to believe it. They 
want success and wealth served up to 
them. They don't want to work. 

The effect a rich mar's money will 
have on others is often surprising, some- 
times barely believable, and by no 
means always salutary or ennobling. I've 
said before that a millionaire is a 
marked man. There are many who 
consider him an easy mark as well. For 
instance, I have long been an avid and 
serious art collector. "Through the years, 
1 have been offered bogus Botticellis, 
counterfeit Corots and fake Fragonards 
by the carloads. 

1 recall one man who tried to sell 
me what he said was a rare 14th Cen- 
ry tapestry, and for which he asked 
mere $45,000." When I told him I 
isn't interested, he flew into a rage. 

"But you've got to buy itt” he 
shouted, thrusting the tapestry at me. 
"My wife worked months to make itl” 

Another enterprising soul informed 
me that he маз breaking up his col- 
lection of paintings and showed me 
several soot-begrimed, 10th-rate canvases 


м 


164 in cheap, cracked frames. He had col- 


(continued from page 126) 


lected the paintings, all right — from 
scrap heaps and junk shops. 

I don't suppose anything illustrates 
the cupidity and economic ignorance of 
some people better than the floods of 
letters by which all reputedly wealthy 
persons are constantly plagued. 

In my own case, I receive up to 3000 
letters every month from people who are 
totally unknown to me. Some are writ- 
ten by women — of all ages and from all 
walks of life, I gather — who say they've 
read or heard that I'm extremely rich 
and currently unmarried. 

“You're just the Гус always 
wanted for a husband "It's plain to 
see that you need a wife, and 1 know I 
would fill the bill to perfection . . ." 
"EH gladly divorce my husband and 
marry you, if you'll just send me the 
money to pay the lawyer's fees...” 
These are typical lines taken from some 
of the marriage-proposal letters I've re- 
ceived in recent weeks. 

‘The ladies often enclose snapshots or 
salon portraits which display greater or 
lesser quantities of their charms, On 
occasion, they'll send along entire photo 
albums. Some of these amorous hope- 
fuls, I might add, hint coyly—or state 
bluntly — that they're willing to waive 
the fusty formalities of marriage and 
overwhelm me with love and com- 
panionship provided appropriate finan- 
cial arrangements are made beforehand. 

But the majority of my unwanted 
mail — about 70 percent, according to a 
tally made by my secretary—is made 
up of letters written by people who ask 
me to send them money. 1 do not doubt 
for a moment that some small percentage 
of these are from individuals who arc 
actually in need. Unfortunately, it is 
utterly impossible to separate these 
from the thousands sent by professional 
panhandlers and chronic beggars. The 
letters come from practically every 
country in the world. [t would cost vast 
sums to check the validity of the appeals. 
Thus, it's necessary to refuse them all. 

Like almost all wealthy men — cer- 
tainly, all with whom I am acquainted 
—1 make my contributions only to or 
ganized, legitimate charities. Each and 
every year, my companies and I con 
tribute sums totaling many hundreds of 
thousands of dollars to charity. This is 
the only way one can give money with 
any degree of assurance that it will be 
received eventually by deserving persons. 

Ive tried to make this clear іп press 
interviews and public statements, but 
without avail. Thousands of people who 
want me to send them money continue 
to write to me. “You're rich. You'll 
never miss the money,” most of my un 
bidden correspondents write, as though 
this explains and justifies every 

Some plead. Others dem: 


man 


even threaten. A surprisingly large 
number cannily specify that I'm to 
send them “cash—no checks” because 
they "don't want the tax authorities to 
find out about the money." There are 
even those who demand the sum they 
request "net — with all taxes paid." 

The head of a state medical associa- 
tion once asked me for $250,000 —so 
that he could buy a yacht. "It's not 
much, considering what I've heard 
about the size of your fortune,” he wrote. 

This, mind you, was а professional 
man—a physician who was obviously 
highly regarded in his community and 
his state. So, Е presume was the certified 
public accountant who used his firm's 
i i ionery to request $500,000. 
iscovered a sure-fire system for 
playing the stock market" — апа wanted 
to play it with my money. “I'll see that 
you get 10 percent of the profits” he 
promised generously. 

Then there was the high-school teacher 
who wanted a million tax-free dollars 
so that she could help her relatives, and 
the banker who wrote that he'd embez- 
дед $100,000 and was certain I would 
make good his defalcations. 

I could cite such examples almost in- 
definitely. In an average month, the total 
amount requested by these mailorder 
mendicants easily exceeds $5,000,000. On 
onc memorable day a short while ago, a 
single mail delivery brought letters ask- 
ing for a total of no less than $15,000,0001 

АП this, of course, is but a relatively 
minor annoyance among the sundry 
problems that come with wealth. I've 
mentioned several in this article which 
serve to make a rich man's life — pleasant 
and enjoyable as it is in many ways— 
something less than the carefree idyl so 
many people picture it to be. 

As I've said, money can do things for 
people — and it can also do many things 
to them. What money does for or to a 
particular individual is largely dependent 
on his moral and intellectual standards, 
his outlooks and his attitudes toward life. 

If he's a businessman, the important 
consideration is what he does with his 
money. The best use he can make of it 
is to invest it in enterprises which pro- 
duce more and better goods and services 
for more people at lower cost. His aim 
should be to create and operate busi- 
nesses which contribute their share to the 
progressive upward movement of the 
world's economy, and which thus work 
to make life better for all. Therein lies 
the justification for wealth, and therefrom 
does the working businessman derive the 
greatest sense of satisfaction. 

‘That is what I have tried to do with 
my money, and those are the aims and 
goals of the companies in which I have 
invested. Those are — or should Бе — the 
morals of the successful businessman's 


money. 
Ba 


Ribald Classic An anonymous 15th Century fable 


THE LADY AND THE WENCH 


A NOBLE AND FAMOUS KNIGHT of our realm once fell in love with a fair damsel 
and advanced himself in her graces so that she refused nothing he desired. But 
finally it was necessary for him to go away to the wars to serve his king in 
Spain and in many other places. He conducted himself so well in battle that 
his return was received with great celebration. 

During his absence, however, his lady had married an elderly gentleman, 
a wise and courteous man who had spent much time at court. This gentleman, 
indeed, deserved a better wife, but had not yet learned the greatness of his 
misfortune. 

When the lover returned from his valorous deeds, he arrived one night 
at the castle where the lady now dwelt. Her husband received the knight gladly 
on account of their former acquaintance, and likewise for the knight's great 
fame. But while the gentleman entertained the knight with food and wine, 
the lady desired to entertain him in the same way she had often done in the 
past, lacking only a proper time and place. 

“Му sweet,” whispered the knight, “if you are really willing, a way will be 


165 


THE LADY AND THE WENCH (continued) 


found. After your husband is asleep, you 
need only rise softly and come to my room.” 

“Nay,” replied the lady. “Тһе danger is 
too great. My lord sleeps lightly, and often 
wakes, putting out his hand to touch me 
gently with his fingers. If he found me not, 
we would both be lost.” 

"When he awakes does he do nought but 
touch you with his hand?" 

“Not another thing,” she answered. 

“Then it is truly fortunate that I arrived, 
and our project will not be too difficult. Is 
there another woman here in whom you 
can confide and who can aid us?" 

“There is one maiden 1 can trust with 
any secret. She is most loyal and will do 
all I bid her." 

"You and she must then make arrange- 
ments for this night," advised the lover. 

Eager for the affair, the lady called her 
damsel. "My dear,” she told the girl, “you 
may do me a service this night and help me 
do the thing dearest to me in this world." 

"Command me, my lady: | am ready and 
happy to serve.” 

“The knight, our guest,” explained her 
mistress, “is the man I most love. I would 
not wish him to leave before 1 speak with 
him, nor can he tell me what is in his heart 
except privately. Therefore 1 beg that to- 
night you take my place in bed beside my 
husband. As you know, you need fear no 
hann nor inconvenience. He is accustomed 
to turn to me during the night and touch 
me a little; then he turns away and goes 
back again to sleep. Lie rather far from 
him, as 1 do, and take care that you feign 
sleep and do not say a single word." 

“For your pleasure I shall gladly do it, 
the damsel promised. 

Alter dinner the gentleman talked with 
the knight about wars and many other 
things. Then they had a glass of wine and 
all retired to bed, but not before the lady 
told her lover of the evening's plans. 

The damsel waited in the gentleman's 
darkened chamber, and as soon as he lay 
down she came and put herself in her 
lady's place. Then the lady quickly went 
where her lover waited. Soon she was in 


madam, 


the knights bed and thc damsel in the 
gentleman’s. Not all that night was spent 
in sleep. 

As was his custom, one hour before dawn 
the husband stretched out his hand and 
turned toward the girl, thinking it was his 
wife. By chance he touched her breast. Let- 
ting his hand rest there a moment, he felt 
that both breasts were firm and high, and 
after a moment even firmer. He then let his 
hand explore further. On the evidence of 
her young breasts and of other sccrets аз 
well, he soon knew that this was certainly 
not his wife. She was no longer so well 
arrayed, nor had his touch ever caused in 
her the effects he noted during this examina- 
tion of his bedmate. 

"Aha," he thought, "they have played a 
naughty trick on me. 1 shall give them one 
in return." Then he kissed the damsel gently 
and did those things which ought always 
to follow such explorations as he had al- 
ready carried out. 

Alterward he began to shout so loudly 
that all in the castle could hear, “біт knight, 
where are you? Speak to me!" 

The knight was dismayed to hear him- 
self called thus, and the lady knew not 
what to do, saying, "Alas, we are lost.” 

Her husband shouted once more, and the 
knight ventured to reply, “What docs it 
please my lord?” 

“I wish all to know that I am willing to 
make such an exchange whenever it pleases 
you, sir knight.” 

“What exchange do you speak of?” 

“The exchange of an old woman, disloyal 
and already somewhat faded from overuse, 
for a fresh, obedient and courageous young 
wench. You have brought me greater pleas- 
ure than I have known since iny marriage, 
and for this 1 thank you greatly." 

Even the maid was too surprised — both 
lor herself and for her mistress — to speak. 
And the knight quickly left his ladylove, 
failing to thank his gracious host tor all the 
entertainment, and departed without bid. 
ding anyone adieu. 


— Translated by John A. Rea ЁЗ 


“But aren’t you the gentleman who asked Santa for the life-size doll?” 


E 


Sate 


man at his leisure 


neiman portrays the studied 
violence of professional boxing 


MADISON SQUARE GARDEN, 
scene of spectaculars ranging from po- 
litical rallies to the circus, from an Ed 
Sullivan show to Elizabeth Taylor rid- 
ing an elephant, means but one thing 
to the professional prize fighter: the ul 


timate arena. As the old vaudevillians 
aspired to the Palace Thea so the 
boxer to the Garden. “Here, centered 
in this vast, dark bowl in a pyramid of 
stark white light, two opponents will 
meet in clashing combat, weaponless 
save for the thick muscle and jarring 
bone of bodies rehearsed and prodded 
and strained into maximal aggressive 
potential; here, urged and badgered by 
the relentless roaring of the tiered spec- 
tators, leather-shielded fists will thrust 
and strike and punish until a victor 
can be declared,” says artist LeRoy 
Neiman. The smoke-filled atmosphere, 
the wet gleam of naked flesh, the light- 
ning action, are all plucked out of time 
at the instant of existence and por- 
trayed here from the swift march dow 
the aisle to the empty ring, through the 
ferocious initial onslaught, to the final 
wrap-up in the victor's dressing room. 
Besides the savage scenes of the fight 
itself, Neiman also limns herein the 
seldom-depicted respect that exists be- 
tween the contestants beyond the final 
bell, their controlled nervousness as 
they pace the canvas awaiting the de- 
cision of the judges, and the brief tend- 
ing of a wound by the concerned 
handler which may later require a doc- 
tor's stitching. Even at the moment of 
his opponent's proclamation as victor, 
the defeated fighter's congratulations 
are embodied in his stance as he 
springs forward to clasp the other's 
gloved hand. 

Finally, the victor, his hand plunged 
in an ice bucket, contented but phys 
cally beat, gives his answers to a con- 
tingent of jaded sportswriters. “Yes . 
Yes, 1 think I broke my hand — with 
that left that dropped him in the first 
round . . . Yes, or T would have stopped 
him sooner . . . Yes, he’s а good boy .. . 
Fought me clean, fought good . . . A 
good opponent . . . No, he never hurt 
me...No..." Outside the dressing 
room, far down a long cement corridor, 
the roaring, the cheering, the shuffling 
footsteps have ceased. The pyramid of 
light burns yellow with dust. Other, 
dimmer lights glow now over empty 
seats. Men with brooms are sweeping. 


172 


А у GEORGE s. woODRUFF 
EDWIN H. LAND prints charming 


TODAY, 16 YEARS AFTER the debut of the Polaroid camera, an event that altered both the 
progress and the pursuit of amateur photography in the United States, its creator is the 
possessor of a personal fortune of more than $100,000,000. In 1947, Edwin Herbert Land was 
chairman of the board of a company operating at a loss of more than $100,000 э year. Yet 
he prefers not to speak of this remarkable change in his personal fortunes. He is a camcra- 
shy, self-effacing man dedicated to avoiding the public eye at all possible costs. Indeed, whe 
last August his company introduced a new compact (22 pound) Polaroid, designed for faster, 
more maneuvi i I'm in no mood to talk 
about these t 


He began his experiments with р tion at the age of 17 wi recocious student at 
Harvard. He then quit school and founded the Polaroid Corporation in 1936. He perfected 
the one-step photography process 11 years later and ely became a favorite of 
fortune, His Gunera wa: lur success: its stock climbed. from 96% in 

year later (it now sells at about 200). In 1952 came the ultimate tribute: the Ru: 
the Polaroid and, expectedly, claimed they had invented it. Away from his office, 
rth-loving and the father of two. has tenaciously guarded his private Шс from public 
iew. His interests rest in the field of scientific experimentati 1 education. Although he 
never graduated from Harvard, he is a member of three of ng committees (astron- 
omy, chemistry and physics). He is also an institute professor at М.Т. and holds six hon. 
orary degrees. But most of his time is spent in his lab, where he works 15 hours a day and 
where he spent 10 years working on 10-second development and 5 more perfecting Polaroid 
color film, a development that had shutterbugs snapping to attention upon its introduction 
last summer when they realized that home photography had new delights in store for them 

Now they could click their chicks not only in black and white, but in Playmate pink as well. 


JIM CLARK great scot 


WITH LIGHTNING STRIDES, а 27-year-old sheep-raising Scots- 
man is rapidly approaching the now-retired Stirling Moss’ 
near-magical ability to extract maximum performance 
from those fleet but fractious road runners, the Formula I 
machines of Grand Prix auto racing. Driving 
Ford — minuscule by American standards but incredibly 
nimble compared to the cumbrous Indianapolis cars— 
Jim Clark pioneered what will shortly turn into a racing 
revolution by finishing sccond in the Indy 500 (missing 
first place by the margin of loudly disputed winner 
Parnelli Jones’ speed-cutting oil leak in the closing laps), 
and breezing in ahead of much the same field in the 
Milwaukee 200. These two performances, sandwiched in 
among four straight wins on the European Grand Prix 
circuit (Spa, Zandvoort, Reims and Silverstone), offered 
emphatic evidence that Moss’ heir apparent was more 
than ready to assume auto racing's throne. Carrying 
into this season's competition a reputation as the fastest 
driver extant, Clark has now coupled his innate aptitude 
with a knowledgeability that marks him for greatness. Be- 
sides the 1963 World Driving Championship crown мі 
he donned after an impressive win at Monza (һе had lost 
the 1962 championship when a bolt in his Lotus worked 
itself loose in the final laps of the last race of the season 
after he had piled up a formidable lead), Clark also wore 
the warm mantle of ungrudging acknowledgment Бу 
his confreres that he was in a class by himself — an 
accolade which appeared preordained ever since non- 
pareil Moss’ prophetic observation that the unassuming 
er was "the greatest natural talent driving today 


MARVIN. KONER 


WOODY ALLEN mirthful masochist оон BRONSTEIN 


THE WORLD OF RUNT-SIZE superschlepp Woody Allen is bounded on all sides by the 27-year-old comic's heroic one-downmanship; 
he counts survival as a supreme accomplishment. Woody, who operates behind owlish glasses and a Roger Price hairdo, tells 
his audience-curn-analyst about his problems with his family (“Му mother used to say, ‘If a strange man offers you candy and 
asks you to go for a ride in his саг go! And Га go. . . . І have this magnificent pocket watch which my grandfather, on his 


my boats"), and society in toto ("I was kicked out of college for cheating on a metaphysics exam; 1 was caught looking into the 
soul of the person sitting next to me"). An erstwhile out-o-sight gagwriter for such laugh luminaries as Sid Caesar, Herb Shriner 
and Garry Moore, Woody took the billing by the horns two-and-a-half years ago and broke in his own act at New York's 
Duplex (“I worked for no salary to no people”). Allen's audience in the past year has burgeoned following a four-month 
stint he did at Greenwich Village's Bitter End, a coflechouse that Woody turned into his own Sanka sanctorum. Since the 
Bitter End's happy beginnings, Woody has almost been able to call his shots — the hungry i, Mister Kelly's, the Blue Ang 
the Crescendo; he's taped three Candid Camera shots, has made a TV pilot film, and has a moviescript deal percolating. 
Why does he drive himself so hard? Woody, with deadpan sincerity, explains: “I don't want to be just another pretty face. 


173 


nostalgia 


By BEN HECHT 


a colorful firsthand 


chronicle of prohibition— 
the unenforceable 

phenomenon thet created 
the three-ring circus 


called the roaring twenties 


1 OFTEN WONDER if the things I remember аге truc. I don't mean 
about the deviltries of youth. No man can remember himself 
accurately. The best he can do is locate the windings of a dried 
river bed, and invent the water that once flowed in it; invent the 
swift current, the rapids, the alluring swimming holes. 

I mean the memory of events such as wars, political and moral 
upheavals and all the fanfares that become involved as history. Since 
most historians devote themselves to chronicling the ultimate tri- 
umph of virtue over evil, and since no such happy finale has yet 
come to pass, it is obvious that history is Ше science of daydreams, 
as are the reports of novelists, pocts and pricsts. 

In my efforts, here, at sketching the history of an cra through 
I lived, and of which I was a rather sprightly observer, 1 
know I shall write as much out of bias as out of fact. How can 
one write of the seven deadly sins of morality without a touch 
of bias? A bleating piety inflamed the land, terrifying its Tom 
Thumb politicians. Result — the Prohibition Era, 1919-1933. 

For some 14 years the Era turned the U.S. into a joke. You 
wouldn't have had a much funnier nation if a law had been passed 
requiring all its citizens to walk naked on stilts, 

There are, naturally, two Prohibition Eras—the one that 
existed and the one that has fowered into an American legend. 
As box office, number two Era is today neck and neck with the 
winning of the West, and challenging its lead. The Chicago gang- 
ster of the Twenties in his pinstriped suit and his Mediterranean 
hairdo promises to pull ahead of the Indian chief provoked by 
crooked white men into scalping wagon-train passengers. 

I was a Chicago newspaper reporter during the dry years, and, 
biased though I may be, I shall do my best to write of them with- 
out oucand-out lying. This is not an easy chore. The lies that 
have accumulated about the Twenties are now tall enough to 
receive homage as a myth, particularly from writers. 

It is more profitable for writers to succumb to a myth than 
to contradict it. Succumb, and you can make a fortune peddling 
scenarios to the movies and television industry. In fact, I have. 
Contradict, and a few nickels will trickle in from the literary 
periodicals. 

What is the myth? It is the same historical myth, with a jazz 
beat added, of virtue's triumph over evil. There are always a few 
carpers. But the human multitude never tires of applauding this 
fantasy. Perhaps it is all for the best — that the need for believing 
the world is better than it is never surrenders to reality. 

Millions of current Americans gape nightly at TV sets and 
movie screens watching the virtuous lawmen take on the evil 
gangsters of the Twenties and mow them down with firearms. 
Virtue always triumphs, suffering seldom more than a minor flesh 
wound that any doctor can dear up in a week. The evil ones 
always getting plugged, rolling down stairways and pitching out of 
windows, ready for the morgue wagon. 

It was not thus in the Prohibition Era. Good and evil did not 
meet in a head-on collision. They met only for the pay-off. The 
forces of law and order did not advance on the villains with drawn 
guns, but with their palms out, like bellboys. 

During our prohibition spell some 600 gangsters were mur- 
dered іп Chicago, nary one by a cop. For the 600 murders in 
Chicago's streets only two culprits were caught and convicted of 
homicide. The two were probably masochists who rushed neurot 
ically to the station house for punish 5 

This is not a wanton comment. е was one of the occu- 
pational hazards for Chicago gunmen. Frank Nitti, Al Capone's 
nforcer" blew his own head off, as did a number of our town's 
most able killers. 

I noted in my reporter days that professional killers were 
often moody fellows. They did a lot (continued on page 222) 


“And to think, Santa, 
that I didn’t believe in you!” 


“Christmas, of course, is really 
а rat race for us Don Juans.” 


^ *"Tis the season to be jolly, 
tra-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la...” 


X LLNS LOS 
У СУУ 
$ Y > х 
222 
TL 
ы d 


7... It's Christmas, madam .. . 
do you need anything ... 2?” 


Choice 


Cartoons 


of Christmas 
past 


a compendium of wry yulefoolery 
(от the pages of playboy 


“Find another way to beat the cold, 
Walsh — or turn in your bell?” 


"I've been saved, thank you.” 


“Oh, dear!” 


“Well, do we exchange the usual gifts?" 


FE мч 


“Memo to the Christmas Office Party Committee: “Ho, ho, ho!” 
Congratulations, et cetera, et cetera, 
signed B. ]. Wilkens.” 


“So now it'll be Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, á 
Comet, Cupid, Donner and Venison.” “Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.” 


d, it’s pretty quiet here. As you 
know, Stanhope and Company canceled all 
Christmas office parties two years ago." 


VAL diy ty 
utu Scrooge from the office, Mrs. Cratchit . . . 


I'm here — heh-heh-heh — 
to give you a goose for Christmas. . ?' 


"We need one volunteer to help 
Miss Fairfront here gather the mistletoe.” 


i 


“Now, don't get those two buttons mixed up. 
This one sets off five-hundred inter- 
continental ballistic missiles, and that one “Му gracious, Mr. Simpson — 
lights up the White House Christmas tree.” I thought it was a pillow!” 


"What's going on here?!” 


"Well, Willie, 
1 understand you've been a bad boy this year!” 


how to talk dirty and influence people 


The fuss fgued a Que iest 
0 be 


part three of an autobiography by lenny bruce 


They charged 
me with 
| panhandling « 


кек tente tot far a ape lo, 


22.1 аж you— 
is this the pose of а panhandler? 


Honey was making it as a singer, 
at last, and we were doing fine. 


That was the day Г 
E the p pan 


ison in Lawrenceville 


Hefner? Hefner? 
1 can't seem to find your name in my dance card. 


SYNOPSIS: Las month, in Part H of his auto- 
biography, Lenny Bruce continued the story of his 
early show-business career; of his rise toward. promi- 
nence as a “clean young comic" after acclaim оп an 
“Arthur Godfrey's Talent Scouts’ show, and of his 
growing dissatisfaction with the snickeving “morality” 
of а world as difficult for him to understand as the 
crazy-quilt episodes of his rootless childhood had been. 
Disillusioned, he signed on in the merchant marine, 
only to fall in love with Honey Harlowe, a redheaded 
stripper, just before shipping out. He recounted his ex- 
periences aboard ship, where he unknowingly smoked 
hashish with a Turkish seaman who was horrified al 
the thought of drinking alcohol; and ashore, where he 
investigated a Marseilles bordello that catered to men’s 
fantasies as well as their physical desires. Finally, 
Lenny told how he returned to the U.S., married 
Honey, and was immediately faced with the problem 
of supporting the two of them without letting his wife 
continue in her smirked-at. profession. Casting about 
for a source of income while Honey took singing les- 
sons, he recalled how, while in the Navy, he had suc- 
cessfully solicited help Jor a leper colony, gratis, Then, 
as the first step in his plan for becoming a free-lance 
fund raiser, he had stolen a bundle of priestly garments 
from a rectory, and, as Part 111 begins, Lenny is ready 
to go into business for himself. 


as 


THE NEXT FEW WEEKS were spent with a Battery of law- 
from New York 
s Foundation. censed 
nd disburse funds to the leper colony — 
which was not at all illegal, for I meant to do just 
that . . . alter “operating costs” had been deducted. 

Thad it made: a priest with a disease — an unbeat- 
able combination, 

The first place in which I chose to sol 
Miami Beach. Honey was stripping the 
dock Club, and I was working at the Olympi 
in Miami. We were living at the Florid 

Hone in bed, eating a br 


This 1 


me to ا‎ 


funds was 
t the Pad- 


1 had Monsignor Martin's pants taken in at the s 
and the legs let out. | had three suits all nicely 
cleaned 
lovely i 
ng, 
The sun poured through the room and bounced off 
the beaded G string. The prism formed a halo as I 
walked out of the room in my somber black outfit. 
Iwas just about to get 


ailored, 
sed. They fit perfectly. They hung in 
> the clerical costumes and the G 


to Honey's 1919 convertible 
Chevrolet with the leopards 


covers when I 


heard it for the first time, loud and cl “Good 
morning, Father.” 
The voice came from а sensual-Iooking, buxom wom- 


an of about They bounced when she walked. 
Ooooh, Daddy! I stood looking at her, both reverent 
and horny at the same time. 


183 


PLAYBOY 


184 lite the: 


"Em Mrs. Walsh." she said. "Are you 
at the Floridian, Fathe 

“Yes, Im with the Brother Math 
Foundation, and we’ this area to 
collect money for the poor unfortunate 
lepers in British Guia 
Vell. 1 don't have my checkbook 
with me—" 

“Oh, no,” I interrupted, “a don 
was the farthest thing from my m 

“I know that, her, but I want to 
sive you something. I'm going to my 
тоот — 417. When you return, give me 
a knock, won't you?” 

“Well, yes, if you insist” 

I watched her do her litde-girl pout 
Some women can pout so that it looks 
as if they're putting in а diaphragm at 
that very moment. 

“You won't forget, will you, Father?" 
“No, I shan't forget.” 

With all the subtlety of an exhi 
ionist exposing himself in a subway sta- 
tion, she telegraphed: “Му husband 
better not keep sending me down here 
alone.’ 

I drove away as Honey scowled out 
the w nother one with 
Everything on it. 

1 started to drive north from 
Floridian, heading my winged chi 
which had а conventional shift 


езін 


ndow, devouri 


the 
iot, 
that 


the top down would cause a lot of com- 
ment in Boston, but here in the domain 
of David and Celia, 1 went unnotice 
I whizzed past the markets which pro- 
‘Goodman's Noodles” and 
y the 


claimed 
“Hebrew N орам 
which advertised “Saturday N 
antor Rosenblatt, Хайша Brandy- 
wine, Yetta Sterling, Direct from 
Second Avenue, in A Мета» Hartz — 
Jewish Drama." 

Always the same problem with a little 
plot twist, like a pretzel. The Jewish 
girl maries a gentile boy and the Jew- 
ish girl's family immediately goes into 
mourning. The gentile husband 
drunk throughout the с 
tie second act. The third act has the 
usual happy ending, where the girl gets 
pregnant, the drunken husband leaves 
her, and she goes blind working in a 
sewing machine factory. The child grows 
up to be a brilliant physician. who 
urally, is a genetic representation of 
his mother's side; but he stutters terribly 
because of the gentile blood in him. At 
the end of the third act, his kindly old 
Jewish grandmother, who has bee 
searching for him, meets him une 
pectedly while sitting on a bench wait 
for an offstage bus. He kisses her а 
whispers stutteringly in her car, “I love 
you ) Hebrew... but the evil gen- 
tile part of him comes out and he bites 
her car ой falls on the 
About 


slays 


tnd beats hei 


40 blocks off Times Square. 


As I stopped for a pedestrian to pass, 
rabbi drove by and gave me a friendly 
wave. I wondered, do rabbis and priests 
lways wave at each other, just like 
pcople in sports cars? 

1 reached a wealthy section 
blocks away which, interestingly enough, 
was inhabited almost exclusively by gen- 
Ше families. I parked the car at the 
curb and knocked at the first door. 

If you have ever done any door-to-door 
whether it be encyclopedia 


a few 


gles, baby pictures, or Avon 


cosmetics, you know that you receive 
rejection 95 percent of the time. I've 
always assumed that one would have to 
be a dedicited. masochist to pursue thi 
type of employment. 

As a kid, E studied the color transfer- 
ence of a buttercup while lolling оп 
lawn retreat between soliciting subscrip- 
tions for the Long Island Daily Press. 
1 would commune with nature to recoup 
my stamina and morale between houses. 
Actually, I was а door-to-lawn salesman. 

It sure was uncomfortable standing on 
looking through a screen door 
lowy figure bent over struggli 
nobair davenport while the roar 
tended vacuum cleaner bel- 
and wheezed. A nine-year-old 
salesman. hasn't learned the refinements 
of the game... . 

‘The first telephone call: "Hello, Mrs. 
Harding? 1 hope I'm not disturbing your 
dinner. . . . На, ha, ha — well, I won't 
keep you à minute; I know it must be 
delicious. My пате is Schneider. Your. 
neighbor, Mrs. Wilson, gave me your 
number, Now, before you hang up, don't 
et the idea that I'm trying to sell you 
anything. Certainly not! You are very 
fortunate, indeed, because my company 
is engaged in a marketresearch project 
and, providing you qualify according to 
our strict specifications, 1 may be able 
to olier you a most valuable service, free 
of charge — absolutely [ree — which will 
not cost you one single penny . . , that is, 
ol course, providing you do pass our 
strict qualification 

The strict qualifications being that she 
doesn’t hang up. 

But I cannot. indice the system. It is 
no more corrupt than any other form of 
s. The term itself, "selling," im- 
talking the customer into. purchas- 
» article he has not previously had 
any need or desire for. 

When I was nine years old, I would 
find myself standing on а strange and 
unfriendly porch, getting the breath 
scared out of me by some dopey chow 
dog who always leaped out at me 
nowhere. Luckily he would just 
me by the siscinch strain on his chain. 
Dogs seem to take a particular de 
1 scaring nine-year-old boys. 1 think 


ly a game with them, harmless 
enough, like fetching sticks, because they 
are certainly capable of killing you if 
they wanted to. They don't, though; they 
just nip at your heels when you ride 


past on your bike. It’s all in fun, For 
them. V didn't understand. the rule of 
the game when I was nine years old. 


I was а prepubic spoilsport. 

1 must admit that when you stand on 
that porch and they leap out. it does 
serve some useful function. If you have 
wus trouble, your nasil p 
cleared up in seconds. T i 
what the cave men must have done in 
ad of taking nose drops. If a ki 
nose was stuffed up. they just stood him 
in front of a cave until a dinosaur stuck 
his head out. 


By 1951 I had considerably refined my 
sales approach. 1 still had no * 
telephone call to case my 
but 1 did have a uniform. 
A uniform is an importa 
stant. acceptance. 

А man is no longer just a mar 
part of an institution — milkm: 
man, diaper man — he has cong 
the suspicion of being a stranger by ac- 
quiring a kind ol official mity. He 
is associated with a definite mission, He 
E 


is business. 

1 learned. that from my experience in 
the Navy, the merchant marine and, of 
course, the WAVES. Now, my priest u 
form overshadowed General Eisenhower's 
in commandin 


respect 


I walked up to that $90,000 bay-front 
home with the yacht parked in the back, 


and the chow dog lay down just the way 
Daisy used t in the Blondie movi 
That's what. preaceeptance docs for you 
Androcles had. achieved it for me thou- 
sands of years before, taking that thorn 
out of the lion's foot. 

The door opened even before my foot 
touched the first step. A flustered maid, 
wiping her hands on her apron, gulped: 
“Good morning, Father, won't you come 
in? Mrs. McKenery will be right dow: 

“The house was immaculate. The ma 
led me to the Music Room. In the center 
was a beautiful Baldwin grand. the 
idest piano 1 had ever seen, It prob- 
ly hadn't been played since the little 
girl whose picture stood on top of it had 
grown up. 

I conjured up a mental picture of the 
mistress of the house. People usually 
look like their homes. This house was 
spotless, but not the crisp. white kitchen 
cleanliness with vellow-fowered curtains 
and а сше Donald. Duck-clock deco 
with which some reflect themselves. This 
melled of wood polished with 


з. 


Clorox scrubbe 
uppers 
(continued on page 241) 


ге 


Playboys froliesome femlin presents a handsome holiday haul 


Our jounty Femlin conducts a Christmas tour through PLAYBOY's extensive gift gallery displaying a spectacular arroy af yuletide largess 
to fill even the lorgest of stockings. Beginning on her green-gloved right: Gold cigarette cose, 18-kt, done in groove-banded apen 


ket weave, by Tiffany, $1175. South Americon josper cuff-link set, midnight blue, mounted in knurled-edge silver, by Dante, $17.50. 
Wafer-thin gold watch, with 14-kt. Florentine finish, matching mesh band, 22-jewel movement, by Hamilton, $300. Pair of roulette-red, 
rger, $570. Accutron desk clock, 


solid-coral dice, 18-kt. gold-inloid pips, with felt-lined leather dice cup (not shown), by Schluml 
cordless, frame in rolled gold plate, accuracy guaranteed to within one minute o month, transistorized with electrically driven tuning 
fork and movement fully visible, powered by mercury cell which lasts a full year, angle of clock face adjustable at base, by Bulova, $175. 


h ж ) 
{ {бз 
быс 


Below, clockwise from noon: Cotton-corduroy cor coat, with wool-plaid lining, by H.I.S., $25. LeRoy Neiman portfolio, six full-color 
reproductions, from Playboy Products, $25. Vorgos portfolio, six full-color reproductions from the poges of PIAYEOY, by Ployboy 
Products, $25. Chemex coffee moker, brews 6 to 20 cups, from Hammacher Schlemmer, $17.50. Four-speed turntable /changer, with 
built-in strobe, completely separate changer and turntable mechanisms, by Thorens, $250; bose, $30. Porter-Cable bottery- 
operated drill, with rechargeable power pack, by Rockwell Manufacturing Co., $120. Dictoting machine, lifetime magnetic tape, 
by Norelco, $249.50. UHF converter, for black-ond-white or color sets, by Standard Kollsman, $39.95. Emergency too! kit, includes 
flashlight, leather cose, from Mark Cross, $30. Bottery-operated railroad clock, with transistorized movement, by Rigaud, $250. Super 
Sports motorcycle, 50сс, four speeds, by Hondo, $285, West Coast P.O.E. Serving troy with lacquer finish, by Tokashimaya, $690. 


Left, clockwise from one: Swedish carafe, with rosewood trim, vacuum design, by Bonniers, $19.50. Deerskin gloves, by Fownes, 
$5.50. Testa leather attaché case, by Seeger, $152.50. Buffet bain-marie double pot ond warmer, from Bazar Francais, $55. 
Howaiion milo wood solad bowl, from America House, $100. Stoinless-steel knives, with stog handles, set of six, from Hoffritz, $25. 
Silver boot jigger lon Femlin's foot), by Brooks Brothers, $7.50. Old World globe with brass bose, by Brooks Brothers, $30. Teak 
solt-ond-pepper-mill set, by Maison Gourmet, $10. Ook letter box with trays, by Bonniers, $45. One-piece Swedish telephone, 
by Ericofon, $59.95. Glocier Wore pitcher-cooler, from Hommocher Schlemmer, $22. Ties (from left) by Beau Brummel, by Superba, 
and by Sir Wembley, $3.50 each. Walnut coo! honger, with brass fittings, by Moxwell-Phillip, $12. Stcinless-steel chafing dish, wolnut 
fittings, from Alfred Dunhill, $35. Center: Ployboy Cartoon Album, Playboy Products, $2. Automobile Quarterly, Automobile Quarterly, 
$21 per year. Three Plays by Jean Giraudoux-Christopher Fry, Oxford University Press, $5 The Early Years of Alec Wough, Farrar, 
Straus, $6. Rosewood book ends, from America House, $16. Background: One-cf-o-kind wool rug, by America House, $600. 


187 


188 


Above, clockwise from 10: Copper ship's lomp, from Brooks Brothers, $22.50. Rore bird's-eye-brior pipe, comes with hand- 
fitted cose, serviced for life, by Kaywoodie, $100. Movie camera, 8mm, with two-speed electric zoom reflex action between 
9 ond 36mm, f/1.8 lens, by Fujico, $249.50. Teok solad bowl, mode in Sweden, by Bonniers, $18. Ski mask of Orlon acrylic 
knit, from Siegel Brothers, $2.25. Egyption woter clock, one hour, with leather trim, by Rigoud, $30. ХР-100 pistol, .221 caliber, 
single shot, bolt action, center fire, one-piece Zytel stock, with fitted zipper cose, by Remington Arms, $99.95. Sun-timer 
sunglasses, with broad temples, by Victory Optical, about $12. Turchinite paperweight, two-inch transparent geometric 
cube, from Americo House, $8.35. Skindiver alarm watch, tested їо 1000-fao! depth, decompression colibroted, antimagnetic 
steel cose, corrasion resistont, by Vulcoin, $250. Shoe buffer, with leather hordles, by Rigoud, $3.50. White Dat cartridge 
desk pen, one of poir from teokwoad set (center) which hos thermometer, поте plate, oll by W. A. Shecffer, $60. 


Right, outer circle, clockwise from noon. Citotion men's cologne, 4.75 ozs., by Mennen, $1.25. Figaro soap, from after-shove 
set with cologne, by Lanvin, $875 complete. Shaving stick, by Colgate, 60c. Valor cologne, 8 ozs., with ofter-shove lotion 
{not shown), by Lorle, $7.50. English Leather spray lotion, 2 ozs., by Mem, $5. Thot Mon cologne, 4 ozs., by Revlan, $4. 
After-shove lotion 6 ozs., by Countess Mara, $5.50. Adjustable safety rozor, by Gillette, $1.50. Shaving mug, from Corrado 
Cutlery, $2.50. Both soop, three bars, from Alfred Dunhill, $5. Rozorstrop, hanc-finished leather, from Corrado Cutlery, $6. 
Bodger shaving brush, from Corrado Cutlery, $12.50. Jet for Jentlemen men's cologne, 37 ozs., by Corday, $3.50. Old 
Spice shower soop, with rope handle, by Shulton, $1. Oak shoving mirror, Бу Bonniers, $48. No. 4711 cologne, 6.76 ozs., 
by Colonia, $5. Inner circle, clockwise from noon: Eou de Konongo cologne, 8 ozs., by Rigoud, $10.50. Leather toilet kit 
with two brushes, from Allred Dunhill, $35. Tricorn cologne woter, 8 ozs, by Coswell-Massey, $8.75. A Gentleman's 
Cologne, 16 ozs., by Chanel, 413.50. Canoe, French hand soap, by Dona, $375. After-shove lotion, 4 ozs., with cologne 
(по! shown), by Yardley, $7.50 the set. Rozar, from Corrado Cutlery, $5. "346" lotion, 4 ozs, by Brooks Brothers, $3.50. 


mentary, by Revere, $299. е 

maker, by Springer Penguin, $665. Finnish linen, four mats, $7.80, four nopkins, $4, by Dansk Designs. Stainless-steel coffee samovar, 

from Hammacher Schlemmer, squised as fifth of Scotch, from Alfred Dunhill, $50. Bronze ho 

teak block, by Arts of La Jolla, $37.50. Six-foot checked Shetland scarf, by Hand Crafts, $5. Sun lomp/desk lamp 

automatic timer, by Sea and Ski, 

Chromed-steel tool kit with lecther case, from Mark Cross, $250. All-wo 

silver and aluminum, by Distinguished Gifts, $19.95. Slippers, of glove leather, by Evens, $11. Automatic rvice, from the 

Bell System, $25 installation, $25 monthly. Center: Automatic 12-gauge shotgun, 5-shot, gos operated, by Remington Arms, $169.95 
neath it: Sho ‚ holds shells and cleaning equipment, mahogany with brass hardware, 


5) 
КЩ 


KIA 


Clockwise from noon: Hand-blown pitcher, 60-oz. capacity, with stirrer, by Riekes-Criso, $3. Italian glass ashtray, in two colors, by 
Bonniers, $20. Rib-striped wool sweater, V-neck, with suede patches, by Himalaya, $20. Swedish waaden matches, 140 boxes, of 
various sizes, from Bonniers, $8. Corkscrew and double jigger (held aloft by Femlinl, 34 ог. and V ozs., wilh stag handles, by Maxwell- 
Phillip, $12 each. Champagne taster, 8 ozs., in tulip design originally conceived for President Kennedy, Бу Riekes-Criso, 70c. Cowhide 
belt with brass trim, by Conterbury, $4. Italion gloves with copeskin palms, crocheted backs, Orlon lining, by Fownes, $7. Sputnik 
borometer-thermometer-hygrometer combination, clear dome with brass fittings, by Hoffritz, $24.95. Tie, multicolor waven Scottish 
design, wool and mohair, by Rooster, $2.50. Danish lamp with pleated shade and black metal stand, fram Bonniers, $37.50. Portable 
AM-FM radia, 9 transistors, nickel-cadmium batteries recharge by plugging into AC outlet, AFC, no-drift FM circuit, earphone, auxiliary- 
speaker jack, indicator to show station clarity ond battery life, by Gulton, $79.95. Center: Соте box, tap-grain hide, lined in mahogany, 
with gold-tooled trim and brass fittings, contains luxury editions of 20 baord games, plus dice, cords and dominoes, by Mark Cross, $400. 


Right, clockwise from noon: Projection screen, opens horizontally to 40" x 40" picture oreo, by Radiant, $4495. Viyella 
Поппе! robe, minioture Stuart plaid, by State-of-Moine, $35. Sportwin outboord motor, 9/2 H.P., 59 Ibs., with tiller-locoted 
gear indicotor, by Evinrude, 4355. Tri-Plonor speaker system, slim design, walnut finish, by University Loudspeakers, $79.95. 
Nikon F comero, 35mm, automatic, instont-return mirror, instant-reopen diaphragm, by Nikon, $233; attached то it: 180- 
degree wide-angle lens, 8mm, f/8, internal rotating turret with 6 built-in filters, by Nikkor, $449.50. FM stereo tuner, solid-state 
circuitry, by Harmon-Kordon, $299; walnut case, $19.95. Salt and pepper mills, of walnut and bross, by Rigaud, $12.95 each. 
Four-trock tape recorder, with З separate heads, self-contained playback system, solid-state power amplifiers, by Raberts, 
$599.95. Woter-repellent cowhide satchel, by Seeger, $110. Cigarette box, leather with brass fittings, by Rigaud, $49.50. 
Center: English oak barrico, with brass hoops, from Brooks Brothers, $42.50. In it, from left: Lightweight underwoter speor 
gun, from Dacor, $15. Nylon umbrellas, with whongee handle, $15, Malacca handle, $27.50, both from Brooks Brothers. 


Below, top to bottom from left, first column: Louis Henry рён de foie gras, 5 ozs., $7.50. Au Gourmet babos with rum, 14 ozs., 
$1.29. Montrachet 1959, $895 )оуо-Мссһо-Моғо coffee beans, from Berkshire Forms, 5 lbs., $5.95. Lobster, 18 ozs., shipped 
live in seaweed from Soltwoter Forms, 12 for $19.95 plus freight. Second column: Йе de France brie, 2 Ibs., $5.38 Polli pickles 
giordiniero, 2 Ibs, $3.95. Dutch cheese ball, 65 ozs., $525. Prime strip steaks, about 12 ozs., from Stock Yards Packing ES 
6 for $25. Third column: Romanoff caviar, 14 ozs., $3395. Donish ham, 10 Ibs., $11.50. Fratelli artichoke hearts, 12/2 
$3.95. Roffetto brandied peaches, 18 ozs., $1.59. Fourth column: Smoked Rock Cornish gome hen, from Berkshire Forms, 9 95 
the brace. Reese de Paris snails with shells, 24 for $2.35. Smoked turkey, from Stop & Shop, $1.75 Ib. Polli ontiposto hors 
d'oeuvres, 19 ozs., $7.85. Fifth column: Cafe Salvador instont espresso, 2 ozs., 53c. Potoge Froncois crawfish bisque, 14 ozs., 
69c. On its right: 1955 Bollinger brut, $18.50. Sixth column: Société Bee Roquefort, $1.98 Ib. Reese de Poris truffles, 3/2 ozs, 
$8.95. lody Clementine colossal stuffed olives, 18 ozs, $2.19. Scan Val mussels in ospic, 5 ozs, 95c. Last column: Grand 
Duke belugo molossol covior, comes in eorthenwore crock, 14 ozs, $42.50. Bigelow Darjeeling tea bogs, 40 for $2.25. 


N 
Š 
> 


194 


THE TEEVEE JEEBIES STORY 


“Hey, lady, wanna have a little 
fun before your boat sails?” 


“Alice, 1 have something to tell you — 
I'm поі really a eunuch ...1” 


(NR 


“So much for the twist. Now to do the 
mambo, we place both [eet . . ." 


“My God! Хо one will ever believe й. Raped by 
a flock of butterflies!” 


а laughingstock of additional dialog for the late late tv reruns 


“И says, ‘Beware! There is a spy in your midst. “For the lust time, Tim, youre not 
He is wcaring awhile ... " riding on the running board!” 


p 


“Oops — watch where you're putting your foot, baby! 


"If you think this is funny, you ought to sce “Just because 1 drink, and cuss. and smoke cigars. 
what he wrote on the wall of the men's john!” and look disheveled. you think Гт nota good leader 


Well, the world’s going to remember the name of 
General Ìrving Goldfarb . . . !* 


195 


PLAYBOY 


196 


HOW TO READ A BOOK 


to do with the story of Don Quixote. 


islator of Cervantes’ work, 


A recent tr 


] M. Cohen. advises us to skip these 
iterlarded tales entirely. Certainly most. 
of this extraneous material сап be 


ding without alfect- 
1 theme. 


skipped in a first r 
ing our grasp of the ma 

Another obstacle to our understanding 
and enjoyment of some of the great 
works of fiction is that the author often 
steps into the role of preacher, teach 
or lecturer. These dissertations occur not 
only in works with a serious message, 
such as Dante's Divine Comedy and Mil- 
ton's Paradise Lost, but also in such 
comic tales as Don Quixote and Tom 
Jones. In the latter two works, the dis- 


literary history. The whole story of Don 
Quixote might be regarded as a form of 
Interary criticism. si ately par- 
s the trashy chivalric romances which 
in Cervantes’ time 
addition to this practical. or 
demonstration of the ridiculousness 
the cliché-ridden romances, Cer- 
vantes provides a critical history of this 
te of the 
popular drama of his tins 
us in Part П of his novel 
the defects of which he I 

п Part 1 — for ins 
of the Hladvised Curio: 
place. Most of this critical mate 


Bur 


existen- 


ussion 
He also g 
criticism of 
d been guilty 
“The Novel 
ty” is out of 
ial is 
ermane to the work, which 
amples of anti- 
work of fiction 
written to demonstrate the worthlessness 
ol a certain type of fiction. 
In the case of Tom Jones, 
on lite icism, which 


‘ature, as well as a di 


nly 


appar 
is опе of the prime es 


the ess 


(continued from page 122, 


beginning of cach of the 18 "books" that 
comprise the work, do not have such a 
close relation to the the 
admittedly are breaks in the narrative 
which the author, Henry Fielding, avows 
will be а welcome change for the reader, 
He proceeds to give hi i 
а whole theory of the wr 
and also to get in his licks 
criti, whom he des 
nderers,” ignoramuses and 
ompetents, Here again our common 
sense rule should prevail. The 
thing in Tom Jones is the story of the 
misfortunes, exploits and embarrassing 
moments of that good-natured “gallant” 
youn man and of the people with whom 
he is involved. H the chapters of literary 

cism a п annoying interruption 
in our following the story. then we may 
ignore them at a first reading, without 
guilty about “cheating.” 

When we come to a book like Tol- 
stoy's War and Peace, the presentation 
of the author's theory of the causes of 
historical events adds a further, and to 
some readers a dis ng, comples 
to what is already a very compl 
Indeed, the late H. L. Mencken h 
it contains every endeavor known to n 
with the possible exception of a 
race. It tells the story of several fami 
over three generations nst the Баск 
ground of Napoleon's war адай 
Close to 500 characters march throu; 
its pages. It is a vast fictional в 
which at the same time deals with wi 
d and complex historic ıs. In 
ion, it includes whole sections pre- 
senting Tolstoy's philosophy of history — 
that historical events are completely de- 
termined vitable, not influenced 
atall by human decisions. 


"Forget it, Harry. Lots of Santa Clauses are Jewish.” 


From the time the novel first appeared, 
extraordinary as well as ordinary readers 
have protested vehemently against the 
inclusion of these long discursive pas 
sages in a work of fiction. Turgenev ас 
cused Tolstoy of sheer charlatanism. 
Flaubert complained that “he repeats 
himself, he philosophizes.” And the critic 
Perey Lubbock said th: 
term s of comment and e 
planation, chapters in the manner of 
controversial pamphlet, lest the arg 
ment of his drama should be missed.” 
Though the justice of these harsh criti- 


he inserted “i 


ble chapte 


cisms can be challenged, it is still true 
that our reading and understanding of 
rificent story will not be seri 


ously impaired if we skip what Lubbock 
called “these madder 
in a first reading. 
novel. Our enjoyment and completion 
of the work depend on our following out 
the destinies and interactions of the 
main characters and ihe incomparable 
portrait of men at war. Besides, the com- 
mon reader will gather а good deal of 
‘Tolstoy's theory of historical ii bility 
simply from his story of the war and its 
direction — for instance, the contrasting 
portraits of Napoleon and Kutuzov, the 
ridicule of pretentious military theorists, 
the comparatively greater rol ned to 
the common soldiers as against the "big 
brass" and the way in which General 

gration saves the day at Austerlitz 
merely by his unplanned appearance on 
the scene. 

This work certainly deserves its repu- 

ion. Few writers have equaled Tol- 
create concrete human 
r, hunting, farming, [amily 
life and erotic love. But ag 


is not 
у to read everything in the novel 
the first time we read it— perhaps not 


I. 1, myself, find the parts deal 
with Pierre Bezukhov's Mason 


B 


act 
ties boring, and this has not been reme- 
died by continual rereading, so I | 


them by. Other readers may find that 
other parts drag, and skip accordingly. 
Certtinly this is a whale of a book, and. 
far more enjos 1 90 per- 
cent of the fat cont y етв 
through which people plow in order to 
be 1" today. 


le of a book 1 


ш- 


man Melville, a g 
includes wamerous 
tional mater 


t work of fiction that 
sections of nonfic- 
s and. pages of the 
a history and de- 


saiprion of whale hunting and a pseudo- 


ntific the 


“сей study of 
ter for 
those who feel blocked and confused by 
the appearance of these chunks of his 
torical and scientifi al that inter- 
rupt the flow of th ve, simply to 
skip them a first reading. After all, it 
is obviously far less important to absorb 
all the details of the whaling industry 


narr 


(ов display at the Victeria and Albert Museum, London, England) 


Potton а omnes Nome Tra Oe уз 


This is the first Christmas саға, but 


this English holiday 
greeting is older! 


When J.C. Horsley designed the first 
Christmas card in 1843, Gordon’s 
Gin had already been an English holi- 
day fixture for 74 years. Obviously, 
then, you’re on very firm traditional 
ground when you give a gift of 
Gordon’s. Nice thing is, Gordon’s still 
harks back to Alexander Gordon’s 
original 1769 formula, which keeps 
it distinctively dry and flavour- 
some. So your gift is not only richly 
historical, it tastes good, too. Ideal 
Christmas gift, wouldn't you say? 


ДІ, 


PLAYBOY 


1 get 


“... And yet, Kitty, in many, many ways I'm very, very poor.” 


198 


Ahab'shunt 
ig to do 
Moby 


than to perceive that Capt. 
for the white whale has so 
with man’s encounter with evi 
Dick is 
ing enough of the reade: 
and energy, without forci 


rich and complex story, requir- 
"s concent: i 


dition, ıo an involunt 
digressions into history and biology. 
Another great book that contains 


mch nonfictional and instructive ma- 
terial is, oddly enough, Gargantua and 
Pantagruel, by vLaynoy's patron monk, 
The common habit 
of talking about Rabelais’ work instead 


ol reading it has concealed this from 
most of us. This docs not mean that 
is is not Rabe the com- 

son sense. He is, -lightfully 

id wholesomely so, manner to 


make 


type of toilet tissue is th 
the great feats of empty 
ders to flood the countryside 


battles, the rhapsodies оп the male mem- 


article of wea 


ng apparel, the codpicce, 
Panurge's plea for an impregnable wall 
"ais constructed of women’s esse 
anged according to size, the 
for the abatement of lust, of 
the too frequent reiteration of 
ns to be the surest. 
These and hundreds of other such inci 
dents, as well as all the four- and five- 
letter words and many others that we 
never heard of — all are there. Rabe 
earthiness is indeed по mere spicler's 
«omen. 

This carthiness is wonderfully 
able, but that is by no mi 


which 
the act of venery" se 


is also 


ge part a distillation and 
presentation of Renaissince le At 
the beg ests the two 
on the one 
i: power of laughter and 
ng but wholesome mirth 
on the other hand 
message is cleverly 
jests, mockeries, Газ 
civious discourse, and recreative lies.” 
He urges that the reader “by a sedulous 
lecture, and frequent meditation. break 
the bone, and suck out the marrow. 

This seems to contradict what I have 
been sayin i 


noth 
s his aim. while 
warning that a seriou 
hidden under the 


Rabelais’ rather 1: 

taken with several grains of salt, espe 
cially when he promises to “disclose . . . 
the most glorious doctrines and dreadful 
mysteries." 1 do not think, however, that 
he g to put the cloak of 
respectability over his "Rabelaisian" sto- 
ries, for indeed the work is a potpourri of 


all the arts, sciences and poetry of his 
time. TI is somehow 
welded together into the 
story. For it is in his st 
bout Gargantua and Pantagruel that 


Rabel gives us a concrete and humor- 
ous description of his ideal educational 
program, in contrast with the degenerate 
scholastic type of education. His views 
about the stupidity and horror of war 
between nations ате expressed in the 
context of his tale, which he tells in up- 
r us fashion, He attacks legal fol- 
derol and hairsplit in the comical 
tigation between Lord Kissbreech and 
Lord Suckfist. His antip 
embodied in а satirical section. de 
with Pope-Figland and Papimany. 
doubtedly, all the currents of the Ry 
псе and Reformation are present in 
Garganiua and Pantagruel. Still, we do 
ot read it as social огу, 
which we can get in h: form clse 
where, If we are edified and instructed, 
it is because we have been seduced into 
it by the story and the style — by Rabe- 
lais” joyous Lounc bout of words. 

But, again, we are not compelled to 
read every single, blessed word. There 
are frequent repetitions of themes and 
ideas, and some parts of the work drag, 
п the liter books. 1 am sure 
belais himself would approv 
reader's skimming or skipping the parts 
that bore him. After all. his life ideal, 


t view: 


ling 
Un- 


DO WHAT THOU 


WILT ds its motto. Rabe- 
Tais’ view is that constraint corrupts, 
. 4. 

What about such monumental pieces 
ol literature аз the Divine Comedy, 
Paradise Lost and Faust? Are they not 
exceptions? Such works seem to demand 
а whole mass of accessory scholarship. 
including a score card to tell the players, 
and a detailed map of the scene to find 
our way around. There is a good deal of 
justice in this objection. We may take 
the Divine Comedy as a prime example 
of such monumental, all-embracing lit- 
erature. How can we appreciate this 
work even partially without some knowl- 
of the philosophical and theological 
doctrines which it presupposes. of the 
histori characters who fill the worl 
ad of the political situation in Dante's 
time, including the role of the papacy 
to which he refers so often? There is no 
doubt that all the footnotes, explanations 
and graphs that are solicitously racked 
onto most editions of the Drone Comedy 
are quite helpful. But it is also true that 
they can hinder a successful reading 
of the work the first time around. We 
may get so enmeshed in following the 
footnotes and locating ourselves on the 
various levels of Hell, Purgatory and 
Paradise that we may miss the message 
as well the story and the lovely Ian- 
guage in which it is told. 

Whatever Dante has to say to us is 
told in the form of a story. It is, on the 
author's own admission, an allegory of 
man's free will and desti nd he begs 
the reader to seek out the underlying 


ed 


meaning of the ns - That mean- 

s. however, is to sped through 
our own reading ation and 
appreciation, not through a pile of glos- 


aid tl 
s appealing to the reader thro 
fiction. His aim, he said, was 
to verse things dificult to think.” 
There are many possible meanings and 
levels of meaning at a first reading, and 
it is doubtful if we can ever fully exhaust 
them in innumerable readings. But what- 
ever meanings we do perceive through 
our own personal insight must come 
story about Danu 
angled wood at the 
nd following him 
d the other 
not mportant that we grasp 
the extremely complicated topography 
of Hell at a first reading. What really 
matters is that we sense the pervading 
tone, are impressed by the dramatic and 
touching incidents. and become aw: 
of the central personal relationships, 
such as the master-disciple relation be- 
tween Virgil and Dante. And. besides, 
the author himself stops the story from 
time to time to sketch the plan of his 
imaginary regions and hint at the mean- 
ings intended by some of the incidents 
and characters. 

Ag: th many other of the great 
books, there are sections of the work that 
e dull and tedious — every page of the 
Divine Comedy is not on the same level 
of vitality. lucidity and interest. There i 
a good deal of it that you wi 
m the first time, but also the 
times. And the same goes for 
similar works. 
good time to recall that the 
reason why we reread а book is not 
merely to grasp what was lost or blurred 
in the first reading. but also to enjoy 


1 nor only 


next few 
Paradise Lost, Faust and 


This i: 


enjoyed the first time. 


pulse is at work 
the one that impels us to see 
movie which we particularly enjoyed and 
admired. William Faulkner, тетат 

on how he continua 


me 


nds” vou do not have to begin 
start and go on to the end. "Ive т 
these books so often,” he said, "that 1 
don't always begin at page one and read 
оп to the end, T just read one scene, or 


acter, just as you'd meet 
aid for а few minutes.” 
This is all the more reason to read 
through and enjoy a great book the first 
nc. Without that initial acquaint 
ship and pleasure, the stage of 
friendship and repeated enjoyment 
never be 
The mor: 


nd 


ise 


199 


PLAYBOY 


HOLIDAY SPIRITS (әлегінен page 109) 


in a liquid inventory la 
allow all present to attain complete 
сирһо: If he's mixing cold drinks, 
the liquors, glasses, juices and sparkling 
waters must be chilled to a deep frost 
beforehand. He neither undershakes nor 
overshakes, If he’s ladling hot drinks, he 
is certain that his ingredients are what 
the Irish call screeching hot. He mustn't 
be timid when creating holiday liba 
they should be prodigally rich in favor. 
Happily, the one ingredient. which 
always favors holiday drinking is rugged 
h winds, 
ted upon to make any grog sc 
ely smoother and richer th 
would be under fair skies. The useful 
of climatology in the fine art of bartend- 
ag was keenly appreciated by Ch 
Justice John Marshall 
ı the early days of the Supreme Comt. 
All members of the highest bench con- 
curred that the specially imported “court 
madeira,” as it was called, not only 
helped them to speed up their decisions 
but also improved the skill with which 
their decisions were made. Custom, ho 
ever, discouraged madeira drinking ex- 
cept in wet weather, Before the bottle 
was uncorked, Chief Justice Marshall 
always sent a colleague to the window. 
If the weather was inclement, it provided 
the justices with justification for a liberal 
libation. If there was sunshine, Marshall 
was ready with an unchallengeable ar- 
gument. “That is all the better,” hed 
ог our jurisdiction extends over so 
ge a territory that the doctrine of 
kes it certain that it must be 
g somewhere in the district which 
we have to adn ter," after which, the 
decp-brown madeira was duly poured. 
As an M to modem 
holiday mixology. we favor the salty, 
unadorned viands— thinly sliced West- 


ассотрапіпи 


phalian ham, anchovies on fr 
copiously buttered hot to; 
olives stuffed with celery and almonds, 
and imported smoked salmon, as t 
paper, curled on crisp rye wafers. 

We oller as inspiration to keepers of 
the festive bar, six new holiday drinks. 
Each formula serves two. 


shly and 
‚ huge queen 


in as 


GIN AND JERRY 
ozs. gin 
oz. yellow Chartreuse 
ozs. orange. juice 
teaspoon sugar 
egg 

Ground cinnamon 

Pour gin, Chartreuse, orange juice and 
sugar into saucepan. Heat almost to boil- 
ing point, but don't boil. Beat egg in n: 
row bowl with ter until 
very light and foamy. Slowly, wh 


-evea 


c stir- 
ring constantly, pour hot liquid into 


bowl. Pour into preheated tom-and-jerry 
mugs or punch cups. Sprinkle lightly 
with cinnamon 


PINEAPPLE CHAMPAGNE 
split brut champagne 
oz. pineapple liqueur 

oz. calvados 

pincapple cocktail spears 
vedictits thoroug 
mbling drinks. Prechill 
pagne glasses cither in refrigerator or in 
cracked ice, Pour liqueur 
into glasses. Place a pi 
cach glass. Pour cl 


1 
1 
1 
C 


hly before 


ass acer cham- 


MULLED SCOTCH 


4 ozs. Scotch whi 
2 ozs. Forbidden Fruit liqueur 
4 ozs. orange juice 

4 ozs. grapefruit juice 

4 teaspoons honey 


2 slices of or: 
4 whole cloves 
innamon stick 

ucepan, heat Scotch, 
Fruit liqueur, orange juice, grapelruit 
juice and honey up to boiling point, but 
don't boil Stir well to dissolve hon- 
cy. Press cloves into flesh of orang 


ge 


rbidden 


slices. Pour hot liquid into preheated 
mugs. Float an orange slice on cach 
drink. Place cinnamon stick in cach nw 


for stirring. Drink improves after a min 
ute as aroma of spices gradually ripens. 


НОТ PORT FLIP 
6 ozs. port wine 


ozs. cognac 


teaspoons sugar 
14 teaspoon instant coffee 


nd cognac into saucepan. 
Stir well. Heat well, but don't 

instant coffee. In a narrow 
t egg with rotary beater until 
is very foamy. Stir in cream, Very 
slowly, while sti , pour hot 
liquid into ixture. Pour into pre- 
heated punch cups or mugs. Sprinkle 
with nume 


WINTER BERRY COCKTAIL 


3 ozs. blended whiske 
ozs strawberry 1 
ozs. lemon juice 
oz. dry vermouth 

teaspoon sugar 

large strawberries 
teaspoons seedless strawberry 
raspberry and redcurrant pi 
r jam or preser 
move stems from st 


queur 


2 
2 
1 
1 
6 
2 


jam or 
servi 
ves until sol. Re- 
wberries. Roll ber 


ries in until well-coated. Into 
cocktail shaker with ice, pour whiskey. 
strawberry liqueur, lemon juice, ver 


mouth and sugar. Shake very well. Strain 
into prechilled outsize cocktail glasses. 
Float strawberries on top. 


CARDINAL COCKTAIL 


ато syrup) 


ur 

2 ozs lime juice, freshly squeezed 

2 slices of lime 

Pour rum, orgeat, grenadine, triple sec 
and lime juice into cocktail shaker with 

c. Shake well and long. Suain into old 
fashioned glasses. Add ice cubes if neces 
sary to bring liquid to rim. Cut each 
lime slice halfway to center and fit ошо 
rim of cach glass. 

Ha asied the results of PLAY HOY" 
mistletoe-tinged mixed company of 
ions, you may now айй personal 
variations on the yule-fuel theme to 


your own potable 


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201 


PLAYBOY 


HOLIDAY ROAST 


I packet instant bouillon powder 

I tablespoon arrowroot or cornstarch 

Brown gravy coloring 

Salt, pepper, MSG seasoning 
tablespoon butter 

8-07. jar mint jelly 

1 tablespoon fresh chives, minced 


2 tablespoons triple sec 


Have butcher remove outer mem- 
ne or "fell" from saddle, Any fat in 
excess of 14 in. should be removed. 


cess Hank from side should be cut olf, 
nd saved for stew. There should be 
just enough flank remaining to wrap 
under loin bottom, Have the butcher tie 
the flank on the bottom to hold it in 
place. Remove lamb from refrigerator 
an hour before roasting. Preheat oven at 
450^, Sprinkle lamb with salt 1 
pepper. Place on а wire rack in an 
uncovered roasting рап. Roast 20 min- 
utes, then reduce oven temperature to 
3507. Roast for approximately 2 hours. 
A half-hour before roasting is completed, 
cut string holding fank ends together, 
turn saddle upside down. and finish 
roasting Remove lamb from roasting 
pan. It should set in a warm place about 
15 to 20 minutes before serving. Throw 
olf excess fat from pan, but let dripping 
п. Add chicken broth and bouillon 
powder to pan. Stir well to loosen pan 
drippings. Place pan over top burner. 
Bring to a boil. Dissolve arrowroot in 2 
tablespoons cold water. Slowly add to 
simmering liquid in pan, Add brown 
gravy color necessary. Season to 
taste with salt, pepper and MSG. Simmer 


us 


(continued from page 134) 


5 minutes over very low flame. Stir in 
butter. Combine mint jelly, chives and 
uiple sec, mixing well until blended. 
To carve saddle, first cut filets away from 
bottom of loin on cach side. Cut cach 
Jilet imo (wo long strips. From the top 
of the saddle, alongside the backbone 
ad parallel to it, cut the meat in long 
strips about 1-in. thick. To loosen 
slices, run carving knife across rib bones. 
Place filets on exposed. carcass of sad 
dic. Replace saddle slices on top. Serve 
pau gravy and jelly in sauceboats at 
table. 


ROAST PHEASANT, GRAND M4 


(Serves two to three) 


RNIER 


2- to 214-1b. oven-re: ant 
Salt, pepper 

14 cup chicken broth, fresh or canned 
1 packet instant bouillon powder 

? tablespoons butter 

ablespoons dry white wine 


nier 


dy phe 


r peaches 
Cinnamon 
Sugar 
When order 

at least 

thaw it for 


g pheasant, give butcher 
а day's notice so that he c 
roasting. Have him place 
slices of lading pork or salt pork over 
breast of bird, and tic it for roasting. 
Preheat oven at 150°. Place pheasant i 
shallow roasting рап. Sprinkle with 
salt and pepper. Roast 40 to 50 minutes, 
turning phea 

it browns evenly 
when they are brown. Remove pheasant 


“My God! That's my analyst!" 


from pan. Throw off fat from pan. To 
the pan add the chicken broth and bouil- 
lon powder. Bring to a boil. Simmer a 
ninutes. Remove from flame. Stir in 
1 tablespoon butte йе wine 
Grand Marnier, Before bird is finished 
g. drain juice from peaches. (Save 


few 


and 


толың 


it for a fruit compote.) Place peaches in 


low pan, сш in halves and 

pits. Sprinkle lightly with cin- 

т. Dot with remainin, 

butter. Place pan under broiler flame 

l peaches are heated through. Ar- 

Tange peaches around pheasant on serv- 
plauer. 


CROWN ROAST OF PORK, CHESTNUT STU 
(Serves six) 


ING 


61b. crown roast of pork 

Salt, pepper. paprika 

6 cups stale bread cubes, small 

I Taye Delicious apple 

1j cup butte 

medium-size onion, minced fine 

2 pieces ol celery. minced fine 

12 teaspoon leal thyme 

Ve teaspoon leaf sagt 

11-07. can (drained weight) chestnuts 

2 eggs, well-beaten 

Have butcher prepare crown. roast. 
Be sure he removes all backbone so 
that meat can be easily carved. Have him 
ench” the ends of the chops, that is, 
remove fat, and сі 
of meat. Sprinkle roast generously with 
sult and pepper. Place roast on shallow 
roasting pan. Fasten small pieces of 
uminum foil around bone ends of 
ach chop so that they will not char 


an bones down to eye 


du ng. Belorc roasting, prepare 
stulling bread in cold water 15 


minutes. Gently squeeze bread im col 
ander or strainer to remove excess liquid. 
Remove skin and core from apple. Mince 
finc. In a saucepan melt buuer over low 
flame. Add apple, onion, celery, thy 
and sa ше slowly ший onio 
yellow, not brown. Drain chestnuts and 
break into course pieces. In a mixing 
bow! combine sautéed ve; 
nuts 
salt and V4 teaspoon pepper. 
Міх well. Pile stulling into 
crown roast. Sprinkle stung lighily 
with paprika. Preheat oven at 350°. lı 
sert meat thermometer into thickest 
part of a chop. Roast, allowing about 
30 minutes per pound or until ther 
mometer registers 185°. When pork is 
remove aluminum foil from ends 
of chops. Replice with chop frills. 
Transfer roast to а large platter. Gar- 
icr cress. 

you've played  gourmandial 
anta with one of these royal roasts, 
your dinner guests undoubtedly will 
display the proper Christmas spirit by 
ig their host for his culinary gilts. 


is 


center. of 


beelzebub Continued prom page 152) 


out of the brief case and 
read, all the while conscious that you 
were just wasting your time with a show- 
hoat operator like ui who kept 
to make Mickey Mouse 
es, a guy who didn't 


for. All he knew 
“How do you go out, wh 
you need a tag here,” 
you cha 
rior?” Typ 

And then the buzzing. 

The buzzing. just when vou were try- 
ing to build, trying to sell, wy 
nail him down. The buzzing, drowning 
out your voice 

And you looked up and saw the Пу, 
perched on the stopper of the silver 
afe. It was just squatting there, 
hing its tiny forelegs together. cleansing 
them. If you put those forelegs under а 
microscope you'd understand the need 
for cleansing, because they were covered 
with filth. 

‘Then you looked at Joe Trebor who 

g and shaking his head and 
Sorry, 1 don't quite see it. You 
haven't licked the story Tine yet". And 
s he said it he rubbed his hands together 
because they were covered with filth, 


id “Why don't 
this scene exte- 


T 


he'd walked through filth, he left a tr: 
of filth wherever he went, 
had he to buzz at you? And wl 
did he have to keep flies in his office to 
bug you when you were teling your 
story, your story that you'd sweated over 
for weeks in that lousy one-room apart- 
ment, like а furnace, with Anita slop- 
ping around in her dirty housecoat and 
whi why didn't you get up the 
bread? 

And some of this vou thought and 
some of it you must h: id because 
Joe Trebor stood up and he got that 
look on his face and he was telling you 
something you couldn't quite hear be- 
cause of the damned buzzing. So you 

iled, holding your lips very tight. not 
ng to admit you blew it, but you 
knew. And you split out and made the 
phone call to the doctor and there it 
as— the fly, the same fly, the little black 
that can see 


everything, everywhere, right in the 
booth with you now, buzing and 


listening. Tt saw and it heard and it [ol 


lowed you, through all the filth in the 
world. 

Howard knew Dr. Blanchard unde 
stood because he was nodding quietly. 
xed, and there was nothi 
wrong with his eyes. They weren't like 


Anita's or the barber's or Joe Trebor's 
eyes, all accusing him of putting them 
on. And they weren't like the fly's eyes 
had been, either, watching and waiting. 
Dr. Blanchard really understood. 

Now he was asking Howard all about 


lou 
scious of flies. He even Кї 
about such things made Howard a little 
nervous. because he was s; “Don't 


be afraid. There are no flies here. Just 
до right ahead and say whatever 
comes to mind. You won't be inter 


rupted by buzzing — buzszing — 


пту) 
It was in the room. 
Howard heard it. He couldn't hear the 
doctors voice anymore because the 


buzzing was so loud. He couldn't even 
hear voice shout but he 
knew he was telling the doctor, “You're 
wrong! It's here — it followed me! Can't 
you see?" 

But of course Dr. Blan 
see, how could he see, 
the black. buzzing fly, was ing there 
and buzzing on top of his bald head? 

And it bu 
drilled through Howard's skull 
and the eyes lanced his brain, and һе 
had to run, had to get out of there, had 
to get away, because they didn’t bel 


his own 


rd couldn't 
whe 


ged and it stared. and the 


droning 


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203 


PLAYBOY 


204 


im, nobody believed him, not even the 
doctor could help him now. 

Howard didn't stop running until he 
got to the car. He was panting when he 
climbed in. panti ing wet 
with perspiration. He could feel 
rt pou but he forced himself 
10 be calm. He had to be calm, very 
calm now, because he knew there was 
no one else to depend on. He'd have to 
do it all himself. The first thing was to 
check the car very thoroughly, including 
the back scat. And then, when he was 
quite sure nothing had g » to 
lock the doors, Lock the doors and roll 
up the windows. It was hot inside the 
car, but he could stand the heat. He 
could stand anything but the buzzing 


his 


tte: 


“You commanded (his?! 


and the stare. 
He started the 


ine, pulled out. 
Im, now. Keep calm. Drive carefully. 
ht up to the freeway access. And edge 
out slowly. Get into the left lane and 
open up. Now. Drive fast. The faster 
you drive, the faster you get away [rom 
ng. Keep it at 


n 
if the fly is real. 

Howard took a deep breath 

Suppose there was no fly, except in his 
i But it couldn't be: not 
ation, the one tool, the one 
weapon, the one area а writer must pro- 
tect. You can't open up your imagina- 
tion to a buzing beast, a creature that 
crawls through filth, you curt allow the 


és 
UR PV ATL 


m 


Invision ob an insect that incubates in 
your own insanity, an incarnation of 
your own personal devil, an evil tha 
torments you incessantly, But if it 
that way, then of co 
escape. He couldn't drive 
run far enough. to get away. 
was no hope for him at all 

n 

I was there, in the car. At least, he 
heard it. But the sound might be coming 
from inside his own sl 

And now he saw it, 
the windshield before him, just below the 
rearview miror, Or did he sce it? Wasn't 
it just a fragment of i ion? How 
could there be a real fly here іш the car 
With all the windows dosed tight? 


us 
se there was no 
fast. enough 
And there 


buzzed and it c his sweat 
poured and his h 
breath rasped and he knew it was real 
it had to be r And if it was, then 
this was his chance, his only chance 
locked inside the car with it where it 


couldn't get away. 


Howard shifted his foot from the дах 
pedal to the bra car was hurtli 
down an incline but he knew he had it 
in control, everything was under control 
now, All he needed to do was swat the 
flv. 

The creature had paused in its prog 


ress across the windshield so that it ws 


poised directly before his line of vision. 
Howard could see it very clearly. now. 
as his hand moved up. He almost laughed 
at himself as he stared, laughed. at his 
fantasies. Silly to think ol 
such a 


absurd 


demonic posesion by tiny 


ile insect: he could see every delicate 


and tracery of its flurterin 


wings as he leaned forward. For an in 
stant he even stared into its eyes: its 
id 


multifaceted eyes, mirrors of myr 


In that insunt he knew. 


ready 


swoop 


out, and all he could do was shriek as 
the car lurched and the culvert wall 
loomed—— 


When the squad car came the Пу was 
сту quietly on Howard's eyeball, 

Its eyes swiveled slowly as 
necked parrolma 
pausing just long enough to sense the 
frustration, the suppressed anger, the 
seething tension behind the stolid face 
Then it rose gracefully and buzzed 
around the patrolman’s shoulders as he 
straightened. As the patrols 
away, the fly followed 

The patrolm: 
he muttered. 

It was, of course, Howard's epitaph 


resin 


the red. 


bent over the body 


turned 


п sighed. “Poor dev 


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EYEWITNESS 


(continued from page 112) 


custodian, would run to open the gates 
of the drive: and I myself would run to 
open the front door. He would bring his 
car round the curve of the drive, envelop- 
g us in the dazzling light of his head- 
ps. then get out and enter the house 
with the deportment of a Mussolini. His 
first words were always the same: “Is it 
ready?” Then he would go and stretch 


himself out on one of the many sofas in 
the drawing room; and she, like an amor- 
ous cat, would nestle dose up to him and. 


king his hand, begin stroking the long 
black hairs on his wrist with her finger- 
s. He abandoned his hand and arm to 
and meanwhile, with his other hand, 
held up the newspaper, wi 
without taking any notice of her. 
would button up my jacket, throw open 
the double doors of the d 
announce, with a slight bow: "Dinner is 
served,” 

Have you ever seen, in some humble 
cating place on the outskirts of the city, 

poor laborer, all dirty and sweaty and 
with his little hat made of newspaper still 
ow his head, gulping down a big plateful 
of beans and pork cracklings? Well, my 
master behaved just like that. for all that 
he had come home in an expensive car 
and had st made of English cloth. At 
one end of the very long ycllow-marble 
ble, with its lace m. i 
silverware and porcelain that could not 
have been finer, she sat, stiff and upright 
and full of dignity; at the other end, 
sprawling crookedly at the table with his 
napkin tucked into his collar, sat he — in 
other words, the 
the laborer? I'm sl 
ea child that Y ней to walk 
and that tumbles down on all fours every 
other step, he, 1 say, tried to cat with a 
knife and fork but often resorted t0 his 
fingers, especially if it was a case of 
chicken or veal cutlets. No need to men- 
tion that he chewed with his mouth open 
or drank with mouth full, that he 
wiped his lips with the back of his hand, 
that he balanced а row of peas on his 
knife and thrust them into his mouth: 
with him ar gesture succeeded 
another like so many pearls on a string. 
Naturally his wife suffered, for, as she 
often repeated, she set great store by 
good manners. [used to see her staring 
at n with her big blue eyes. then look- 
ing at me, and then at the flowers in the 
middle of the table: or 


why do I say 
borers. He, 


she would 
sigh and bend her head. But he took no 
notice and went on worse than before. 
Finally she would say to me: "Remigi 
change the plates, please"; but he, as 
he gnawed away at some bone or other, 
would protest with a growl, just lik: 
dog; and so 1 waited with the clean plate 
in my hand till he had finished. 

1 went on like this for about a month, 


I liked the place. 1 
had a nice room with a bath, and I was 
able, in the bargain, to devote myself 
to gardening, for which I have a passion. 
But one evening the storm broke which, 
secretly, 1 had s foreseen, Не, 
usual, had thrown himself on his plate 
of meat with his h I recall that it 
was grilled lamb cutlets: she was watch- 
ing him and, as usual, the sight pained 
her, He gnawed all the cutlets, one alter 
the other, four of them in all, covering 
himself with grease up to the cars, and 
then, when it seemed that he had finished, 
he started all over again, Firmly she said 
to him. from the other end of the table: 
"Valentino, couldn't you stop eating ak 
ways with your hands? Apart from any- 
thing else our fingers on the 
napkins and one would need a set of two 
dozen of them to keep up with you 

He was crushing a bone with his teeth, 
which were strong, doseset and white, 
like the teeth of a wolf. He rolled his 
fierce 


you wipe 


and id nothin 


Th 


jı he picked up the bone again, 
You oughtn’t to cat with your fingers, 
she resumed, in an agitated, nervou: 
“its only boors who cat with their 
fingers. 
“Tm a boor, then, am 127 
“Yes, if you go on like that, you ce 


‘And d'you know what you arc? 
w and I dont want to 
know... but do stop eating with your 


а bore and 


insults as thou 
Jass of wine in 


be a paupe п my home people 
didn't eat with their fingers." 
"OI cour 
thin 
B 
"Shut up, you idiot" 
Then she lost patience. Lea 
ward on the table 
with hatred, sl 
you all that T th 
moment's come to tell you now: you 
а boor, you're a peasant, you're a lout . 
you're no good for anything but mak 
money. If you were at least good-look 
— but you're not, you're just a dw 
To be called a dwarl was obviously 
the indignity that hurt him most. I drew 
back only just in time; otherwise he 
would have knocked mc down as he 
rushed from his place to the other cnd 
of the table where his wife was sitting. 
She sat quite still and watched him com 
ing with a pale, twisted smile. As her 
husband reached her he raised his hand; 


to ca 


leni 


she stared str him. He struck her 
in the face, once and then again. She 
rose and walked slowly out of the room 
her husband followed her, 


he who was shouting all the 
time, and there must have been blows 
iven, but Т saw nothing. Quietly I 
ed the table, just as P did every 
g. and then went to my own room. 
To tell the truth, had not 
nade any particular impression upon 
st place 1 had. as I have 
n it for some time: besides. 
as we all know, the table is the place 
where scenes happen. and during 
career as a manservant 1 had witnessed 
I don't know how many scenes of this 
kind — and even more violent ones. 

Next morning I got up very carly 
went to the pantry. The villa was im 
mersed in a deep silence, th ice of 
the country. I took a pair of his shoes 
and started. cleaning them, humming 
under my breath, in front of the wide- 
open, sun-filled w At that moment, 
suddenly the door opened and she ap- 
peared on the threshold. 

1 looked at her and at once realized 
that the blows must have been many 
and violent. One eye had swelled up and 
was halfclosed in the middle of a cir- 
cular bruise — опе of those dark bruises 


this scene 


a the f 


1. foi 


dow. 


nd then yellow and take 
a month to disappear. This bruise gave 
her whole face a strange look, at the same 
both comic and sad. 1 looked at her, 

nd the bruise was one of those things 
which, the less you want to look at it, 
the more you do so. Then she said: "Re- 
migio, I'm very sorry, but I'm forced to 
give vou notice. 

ІІ ly, 1 was not expecting. 1 stood. 
there openmouthed, with the shoe in my 
hand, Finally 1 stammered: “But, sig- 
nora, what have | done that you should 
have to give me notice?” 

She replied coldly: “You haven't done 
anything: in fact I'm very pleased with 
you." 

“Well, the 

"I'm giving you 
what happened. vesterday evening 

"But what has that to do with me: 

"It has nothing to do with you, but you 
heard and saw, and E can't bear the idea 
of your staying in the house after what 
you heard 
“But, signora," 1 
t last, “these are things that happen . . 
all husbands and wives come to words 
d blows — in the upper as well as the 
lower classes. I swear to you that, as far 
as I am concerned, it's just as though I 
hadn't seen or heard anything 

“That may be so, but I c 


that go green 


notice 


nd saw." 


id, understanding, 


t bear to 


be waited on by someone who hea 
saw these things. I'm sorry, but you 
go- 

“But, signora, you're ruining me." 
“TI give you a very good reference,” 
she siid, And, with these words, she went 
away. 

You see? It was they who came to 
words and blows: but I, who had nothing 
whatever to do with it, got the sick. I 
did not try to press this point, nor did 
I wish to refer the matter to her husband, 
who would certainly have admitted that 
I was г fundamentally 1 liked he 
and 1 understood her and was aware that 
for her it would be yet another humilia 
tion. Furthermore, she would then have 
hated me and I should have had to leave 
just the same. So I did not breathe a 
word: | packed up and went away that 
same day, without waiting for my week's 
notice. But now we come back to what I 
said before: with one who was truly 
mistress in her own house this would not 
have happened. A real, born 
does not even sce her manservant; for her 
he is transparent like glass. Why, she can 
even take off all her clothes in his pres 
ence, or get exasperated with her hus- 
band: it’s just as though the servant wi 
not there. Well, well, it seems there 
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TO PARADISE 


(continued from page 130) 

"Well, 1 don't suspect we'll be able 
to мау for more than a year or two." 
announced the ITlustrated News. “Му 
husband, you see.” 

1 looked y. He walked aw: 
vaguely, 

The Mustrated News descended into 
the bag and was immediately replaced 
by two eyes, a nose and a mouth. The 
eyes were laughing. The mouth м 
busy saying, “But if the people arc all 
so wonderful and friendly, who 
knows .. 


The port of Levant consists of a dock 
and а dirt road. A hand-lettcred si; 


KM." A brochure 
Fd picked up in Lavandou explained 
that Heliopolis was the leading city on 
Levant. A careful examination of the 
enclosed map revealed that it also hap- 
pened to be the only city on Levant. 
The Scandinavian couple quickly dis- 


JOPOLIS, 


appeared into the woods. The boat 
red from shore. Th 
was no one else in sight. We decided to 
walk to the city 

It did not take long to realize th 
the visual 


t 
uractions of the island 
would never be topographical. It was a 
dismal р 

bumps in the ground and were covered 
with a monochromatically green collec- 
tion of weeds, bushes and stubby trees. 
For flowers one would have to hope for 
a florists shop i 


ce. The hills were overgrown 


town, though an oc- 
casional poppy did disturb the uniform 
serenity of the countryside, 

The road itself consisted of rocks, 
boulders, dirt, broken ün cans, 
newspapers and Large red ants. We de 
cided that the Garden of Eden lay 
id continued on our A 
a highway 
The few birds that we chanced 
to pass were not singing. They sat, 
stone-winged, on the branches of lealless 
trees, 

1 old yellowing billboard blossomed 
on one of the verdant hills. It suggested 


sun oil. 
The 
buy her some. 
А handleuered. sign announced that 
we were entering the city limi 
We stopped short i 
^t pass right throu! 
ists of a 
ch sold Sultana sun oil 
sign on the door), and a 
church. It wasn't much, but it certainly 
was the beginning. 
She said she wanted coffee so we went 
мо the restaurant. A waitress promptly 
ppcared. Naturally, she wore а 


h girl n 


we 
. The city, it 
а 


pron. 


We ordered. She left. The view 
interesting. 
“Well, at least we know w 


right id," I said, forcing a 


was 


€ on thc 
non- 


ish girl eyed. me skeptically. 
The waitress returned with our cof- 
fee, placed it on the table and left, once 
again 
Once again, I watched her as she le 
“Is this a particularly fine Ame 
you're writing for? 


1 said it was. 


She sipped her coffee in 

I paid the bill and we walked out of 
the restaurant, picking up a boule of 
Sultana on the wa 
Well Mr. John. 
“what do we do now? 
suggested we leave the booming 
metropolis of Heliopolis and strike out 
Тог a beach 

She thought it an exceptionally out 

; idea. 

d a beach. 
it wasn't 
more of а rock 
on onc 
But as the 
beaches (i 
matter, but the pebbles are smaller) we 
decided to п 
tion. 

Now to get onto this be 
first descend а 60-foot 1 
reaches from the floor of th 
seaside Cove up to the surrounding hill- 
side. We paused at the top of the 
ladder and reflected on the view below. 
The shore was dotted with uniformly 
tamed, welltanned.  Sultana-covered 
bodies stretched in supine worship of 
the sun-god above. They sparkled like 
plucked chickens. There was not a bath- 
ing suit in sight. 

One group was lying around a head of 
lettuce, picking at its leaves and munch- 
ing them. An occasional carrot gleamed 
is orange way toward a mouth. A 
group of girl children (fist gue 
12 to 15, obviously healthy, a credit to 
any community) was passing around а 
boule of goat's milk A couple of 
lcather-skinned. men, easily in their 70s, 

« doing pu X volleyball game 
was in progress (and a more painful 
spectacle to watch one could not hope 
to find). A medicine ball flew briskly 
about the beach. Children amused them- 


ther,” she asker 


nuch of a beach. Tt 
ully with water 
anything c 


ses 


LT 


children. Everyone was 
one staring wistfully out at the sea. 

“Behold. Our Garden of Eden 
said; music on her lips. 

A rainbow crowned the horizon like 
a halo. The sun shone warmly, white in 
the chalk-blue sky. We made ready to 
descend into Paradise 

A moment of doubt crossed my mind, 


aw no 


she 


An image flashed. A pride of lions is 
frisking about in its primev 


A white hunter armed only with camera 


g ready to crawl near. On his 
back is а sign: LIFE VISITS А LION PARTY. 
Immediately a second image flashes. А 
large, fullmaned lion is standing on 
а rock in the middle of a group of cubs. 
The cubs are nuzzling each other play 
fully. The large. fullmaned lion is 
smiling proudly, a roll of high-speed, 
ТЕХ film dangling from his jovial 
mouth. 

1 dism 


scd the image and we de- 
Hway down the ladder all 
sound stopped. T had the strange. sensa- 
n that we were being watched. 
1 looked. down 

Phe medicine ball sat quietly on the 
beach. The volleyball w 
мшу hands. 


scended. H 


ited in 
A leaf of lettuce hesitated 
in front of a halLopened mouth. А car- 
rol, on its way up, made its way back 
down to а рше where it rested among 
its own, its time not up yet. The boule 
of milk paused on its journey. The sun- 
god watched. Our feet hit the ladder, 
loudly. 

“Maybe we shouldn't go down the 
she said. 

lt was a sugges 


wom- 


not to be 


met 


without some serious consideration. 1 


looked back up. 
A man and а woman were at the top 
of the ladder making ready to descend. 


It was a curious view. 
“I guess there's not much choice in 
the matter.” I said, softly. 
We climbed the rest of the w; 
In the most distant corner of 
h under the sl m shovel 
set our blanket. No onc moved 
ve any beads?” 1 asked. 


y down 


the 
ide of a ste 


I sail. “In case si 
P "t work.” 
I think wed better take ou 


she said. "We're too cons 


clothes 
uous 


My head nodded. 1 began to work 
my sock 

“How're you doing?" 1 asked. 

“What's the matter, can’t you see for 
yourself?” 

1 told her I thought it adv 
at the moment I not even try. 

She laughed and dangled her blouse 
and skirt in front of my face. “Hurry 
up." she said. “The natives are getting 
restless.” 

1 took olf my other sock. 

She tossed her panties over my 


ble that 


"I don't suppose youd care to hear the 


rest of my inaugural address 


PLAYBOY 


210 


ï smiled to the people. 

Two lile children walked over and 
stared at me curiously, Th walked 
away. 1 thought I could detect the 
sound of whispering. 

“You're only attracting attention,” 
she said. “Take off your pants.” 

My head nodded in. 1 stood up. I 
dropped my panis. I dropped back on 
my stomach. Quickly. Too quickly. 

The English girl laughed. "Lots of 
rocks, huh? 

I muttered a few-hundred words of 
appropriate wisdom and began con- 
templating the undignified state of man 
in the modern world. 
ather unlike the Carlton 


beach, 


isn’t 

I chose not to answer. 

“Suill, it is a rather ch 
she said. staring appreciatively at the 
steam shovel and surrounding boulders, 
bricks and scooped-out dust-red clay. A 
г bottles caught her g 
c we're bathing out of an 
ion pit. How terribly exotic. I 
what they're proposing to build 


rming 


id it was obviously not a bcach. 

She said she thought she was rather 
inclined to agree. 

And then I looked at her for the very 
first time. It was a lightning-quick peek 
taken from out of the corner of my 
myopic left eye. 

She was not like the others. For that 
tter, neither was I. 

“I think they can tell we're tourists.” 
1 said. 

“That's all right,” she said. “They're 
not. paying attention anymore.” 

Which was true. The medicine ball 
had resumed its flight, and above the 
gentle lapping of the sea the noise of 
well-munched carrots could be heard 
once again. 

“Like to play some volleyball?” she 
asked. 

I winced. 

“All right then, Joseph Pulitzer, what 
do you propose we do: 

I proposed we do nothing for the 
moment but maintain our position. 

She asked me to rub Suli on her 
k. 

I told her I thought it best that she 

do it herself. 
She sighed, turned over on her back 
(d began to apply the sun-tan oil to 
her more easily accessible side. I looked 
ay. 1 the best women of my 
generation, naked. 1 decided that most 
of them would have looked better with. 
dothes on. | also decided they would 
have looked more provocative. 

I decided to think about something 
else. 

She asked me if I wanted her to rub 
some suntan oil on my back. I thanked 
her profusely anyway. 

She sighed, closed 


saw 


her eyes and 


promptly went to sleep. 

1 looked around again, and I looked 
longer. | observed (and not without 
some strong feelings of regret) that the 
place was a bore, ced at my watch. 
Two o'clock. The nest ferry left at 
four. 1 yawned and took out my 
camera. 

Now there w 


in this action itself, 
nothing intrinsically wrong. It's simply 
that 1 happened to click the shutter 
along the way. 

The English girl woke up. 

“What was that” she asked sharply. 
Just my shutter. 
Just your what?’ 

My shutter. To my camera.” 
To your camera!? What are you, a 
blooming idiot” 

“What do you mean, ‘what am I, a 
blooming idiot?” 

“1 mean what are you, а blooming 
idiot? You can't take pictures of them." 

“And why-the-hell now” 

Because you just bloody-well са 
1 didn’t see any sign.” 
“You didn’! sce any sign. You Ameri- 


ч” 


cans all need signs. Well I'm telli 
you can't.” 
"What are Jou, a professional 


nudi 

“1 happen to be British, and I happen 
to know the difference between right 
and wrong.” 
nd L happen to take pictures on 
the beach at Cannes all the time.” 

“Well this isn’t Cannes. These people 
don't have any clothes on." 

Well I don't have any clothes on 
either!" 

“Th 
yourself! 

1 growled at her. 

She sneered back. 

Га begun to focus again when I sud- 


ı why don't you take pictures of 


denly had 
stopped. So, in fact, had all motion. The 
beach had become full of browned 


bodies standing stiffly in a long line, 
facing the blanket. 

I put on my wide-angle lens. 

“Don't tell me you're actually going 
to take another? 

“OF course. Old American maxim: 
"Never retreat in the face of danger.’ " 

She asked me if I'd ever been in the 
Army. 

I said no. 

She said she'd thought so. 

I smiled at them and took a quick 
check of my light meter. I clicked the 
shutter. They began to move toward the 
blanket, slowly. 

And may I ask you just why in the 
bloody hell you've got to take pictures?” 


"For the article,” [ said. "lt will be 
more interesting if there are illust 
tions.” 


“tt will be more in 
around to write iL" 
1 looked at them. They were moving 


cresting, if you're 


steadily, slowly closer. It was interesting 
10 note they were no longer 
smiling. 


ly friendly, 


"You are perceptive, aren't you? 

She turned over on her stomach and 
buried her head beneath her skirt and 
blouse. She muttered, “You adle 
this one yourself, Columbus. The be 
are in the wallet. As of this moment 
I've never seen you before in my life. 

They gathered about the blanket and 
stared down at me. E looked up and 
smiled (warm eyes, open hands, signs ol 
friendship all). They continued 10 stare. 
The sungod hid his eye behind a cloud. 

“Bonjour,” | said. "Comment ça va? 
A woman stepped forward. She was 


big-boned and red. Her legs were like 
had small, 


fatawide 
п my face. 


tree trunks. She 
hands which she 
She was screaming. 

I told her I didn’t speak Gi 

She went on, undeterred by 
rmity of our language barrier, 

l asked her if she spoke English. 

I assumed she didn’t 

Now my French, at its best, is in- 
credibly poor but at least it's something. 
1 asked her if she spoke French. 

She continued screaming. 

“Esperanto?” 1 asked, politely. 

She screamed louder. 

I detected the word 
recurring motif. 

I decided to use my French, speaking 
it as quickly and епу as possible, 
thereby confusing them all: 

I said I was sorry and would not take 
any more pictures. 

She pointed a pudgy finger at my 


the 


cni 


amera” as a 


camer ive chorus picked up its 
cue began to chant, “Camera! 
Camer 


tures but that if they would give me a 
wy address and if the pictures hap- 
pened to come out 1 would gladly send 
them some copies. 

The chant grew stronger. 

I leaned over to the 
can't quite understand what they're s 
ing," 1 whispered, “but I think they're 


ed me. 
The German woman reached for my 
came "Camera," she said. 


I asked. 


t stopped. 
1 picked up the camera and held it 
forth, 1 stood up, unashamed of my 


drenched 


ness, warmed by the s 
air, dean, brown. 

"Camera Leica,” I said. "Camera 
German. Camera Deutsch. Bought in 
Deutschland. Camera good. Le 
Me good. Mean no harm. Like L 
Like Deutschland. Wunderbar: 

I smiled а banana smile. Obvious sign 


of friendship. 


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PLAYBOY 


“Ts that why you built this, Professor 
Grinbaum—so you could spit on them?” 


Her hand shot out, pudgy palm open, 


I showed it to her. She grabbed it, 
turned to the sea and cocked her arm to 
throw. 1 grabbed it back. 1 clutched it 
10 my chest. 

“Nem! 1 


а Deutsch! 
good! Good! 


shouted. 
Deutschland good! Came: 
Expensive” 

Ihe chorus 
Camera!” 

1 picked up a rock, a small rock, just 
а pebble, symbol of resistance 

\ voice from the chorus 
"Camera go in sea.” 

1 decided to give them the film and 
hope for the best. 

“I give you film.” I said, slowly, em- 
phatically. "You give me money for 
film.” 

They moved in closer. 1 decided to 
give them the film free. 

Unloading the camera 
I handed the film to 
woman. She threw it into the sea. 


ame: 


chanted, “Camera! 


said, 


n record time, 
the German 
The 


212 natives moved back, smiling slightly. It 


seemed to me their teeth looked 
strangely sharp. 
The German woman stayed. She 


at me: then 
Hess on the 
ered some- 


pointed ап accusing finge 
at the English gil lying h 
beach beside me. She 


old. white-haired man stepped 
1d — the wise man of the clan. He 
n perlect English, “Fran Ueber- 
WS you аге not true naluristes, 
She sights your white bands of skin as 
evidence. T think it advisable that you 
t once. 

I stared at him in amazement. "Where 
the hell were you while all this was 

g oni 

He walked away 

"The English girl peeked out from her 
hiding place. “Well Columbus, what's 
your next plan? 

1 looked up at the sky. A small cloud 
was visible near the horizon. 1 said it 
looked like a storm was br id 
that there seemed litle point іп just 
nging around. 


у. 


wi 


We climbed the laddo 
a time, dressing as we went. 


two rungs at 


The ferry was waiting at the dock. 
Except for the captain it was empty. 
He seemed surprised to sec us. We took 
a scat in a corner and, folding our 
hands in our laps, waited patiently for 
the boat to leav 
The English girl pointed tow 
dirt road. 
The German woman was stand 
there, stituclike, watching. 
"If I put on my telephoto 1 think 1 
can get а good picture of her from here. 
I've got another roll left." 
The English girl hit me a hard right 
to the shoulder just as the ferry pulled 
from the doc! 
We walked up on deck and 
ack at the slowly receding shore. For 
long time neither of us spoke but only 
stood there, lost, each in his own private 
thoughts. My mind traveled back. along 
the painful path of memory to the 

avian couple we'd met on the 
boat trip over. When would 1 ever see 
them again? 1 remembered the truly 
excellent cup of coffee Га had and 
savored its distant aroma in the taste 
buds of my imagination, 1 thought back 
fondly to the su we'd acqu 
our only souvenir. And I stood th 
silent, never wanting to speak again. 
And then, as our little green hump of 
Paradise faded slowly in the distance 1 
heard, in my mind's car, the wonderful 
sound of lettuce leaves and carrots 
calling 10 me from across the anuve 
waters, singing 10 me from the distant, 
rock-bound, rückstrew And 1 
saw, in my mind's delirious eye, the 
natives — standing іп Tine, their 
healthy bronzed feet touching the edge 
of the very water I led awa 
upon, and they were waving. And then, 
as the sun sank slowly in the west, 1 
dried last trace of my t 
ned to the English girl. 
She was standing at the 
bling something about Ame 
zines. 1 stood behind he 
s the soft whi 


1 the 


са. 


1 о! 


(B 


ı shore, 


now 


the s and 


ling mum- 
an m 

silently, and 
¢ folds of her 
the seadampe 
wind and her skirt teased at her knees. 
And I observed (and not without 
modicum of interest) that there, Гог 
some reason, on the bridge, in the wind. 
in the gathering shadows of dusk, she 
seemed suddenly and strangely provoca- 
tive. 


We took the shorter route back to 
Cannes, ig in time for 
civilized dinner, a little. danc 
clothes still on. a lite swimm 
less on. And a nightcap, as they say 
‘Three days later, when she left for hom: 
we were much closer [riends. 


And De Mandeville, who h: 
diet that week and had be 
himself to а glass of early-morn- 
dew which he gathered himself from 
nbassy grass, heard him, and glass 
dled 10 the rescue across 
‘ed by Polk-Mowbray's 
rank than the butler, he sacrificed. the 
dew he athered by pouring it down 
his Aml к. Polk Mowbray 
awoke with a start and fell. br 
down most of the trellis with him. There 
te her beauty Head of Mission crossing the main road was а moment of agonizing reappraisal 
| in his tasseled bedeap, hands out As the three of them sprawled among the 
stretched, lips moving. Drage sped alter flower beds. Then Polk-Mowbray realized 
him, Bible in hand. He tried to wake where he was. though he knew 
king to him, but in vain. He how. They rushed. they 
n for the per- loped back 10 the safety of the М 
taordinary That morning, Drage served them 
am be touched, pulled or carly breakfast in the buttery and Polk- 
a blowtorch in hand. and dad in a stecl pushed only by someone of equal rank. Mowbr 
kers mask. he prowled the cellars Drage was at his wits end: he even read һе 
figure [rom Greck t bits of the Gospel loudly to his chief, up for the lilesavin 
the stuff up and loosening but to no purpose. All he heard was the decoration normally given only to people 
The result was unforeseen, but satisfy muttered whisper: “I have come to apolo- who rescue dogs from wells. “Further 
from his point of The banqueting gize.” They were nearly тип down by an more,” he added. for he knew how to do 
room was shaken by dull explosions; early-morning tram full of workmen who the handsome thing, “I want to apologize 
some of the bottles went off like Mills cheered them. Then, with increa: for making you waste your dew. I know 
bombs, others threw out parabolas of horror, Drage saw Polk Mowbray turn athe De 
v Drage holding one of these into the gate of the Talian Mission and Mandevi 
spouting bottles up with the astonished start climbing the ivy toward the second plied: 
look of a man whose umbrella has blown Поог where the unfortunate 
inside ош. Worst of all, the Briganza girl slept, Now the situation was saved 
child received a black eye from а сон only by an extraordinary. coincidence. 
"The failure of this party and the fury Dra 


been on 


CORKING EVENING (continued from page 117) Hoe help, 


those who had not overspent on their of the parents all but 
frais had cried snap, among them Polk- Мох, 
y ı that time, going talking to himself, and even to starving 
icul period. He had become a bit. T t to such a pitch that he с 
started sleepwalking. One mor 
saw him in the light of a di 


he 


a 
much enamored of young Sabin 
ughter of an Italian col 
| this in a perfectly. proper 
way. Whi nounced 
nL, he was so ph 
y for the event 


ganz 
mind you 
and avuncu 
her ei 
he decided to throw 


dad 


па Dovebasket harbored a 
шіре. He decided to “touch up,” 
or as he put it, “to excite” Polk-Mow- 
bray’s cherished 


foam. I 


at 3 
more where it came from." Upon which 


here is plenty 


amiable exchange. the incident was 
closed. 


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PLAYBOY 


PLAYBOY PHILOSOPHY 


but it also. produces casual 
Not everyone сап wind up on top 
just and proper that society concert 
itself with those who might otherwise 
suffer unnecessarily [rom the competition. 

Each of us deserves some part of the 
knowledge, and the scientific and tech- 
nological advances produced by the gen- 
erations that preceded us. If society 
and its government, as the established 
administrator of society, can be forever 
reminded of their true purpose — which 
is to serve the individual and not to 
hamper, impede or control him — then 
can all share in our common cultural, 
educational, philosophical, scientific and 
technological heritage — and it can serve 
а springboard to greater accomplish- 
ment and a motivation to new achieve- 
ment, rather source of 
initiative stifling security and conformity. 

The distribution of the benefits of 
past progress to the many both improves 
and strengthens society for each member 
1 it — for no social order is any more 
well off, more healthy, more prosperous, 
more educated and more culturally 
аге than the sum of all of its parts. 

А county's most valuable natu 
source is not its mineral deposits, its 
oil, its timber, or its agricultural. pro- 
duce it is its people. And no nation, 
big or small, rich or poor, can reasonably 
ı this increasingly competitive 
ny part of this mast 
valuable of йз natural resources, by 
permitting the perpetuation ol 
ance, disease, hunger or poverty. 

Furthermore, our view of society — of 
the community of man — is worldwide, It 
has no regional or n 1 bound. 
The individual and his rights rem. 
supreme — the world over — without. re- 
ard to race, religion or ethnic origins. 
Man's scientific skills have given him 
the ability to literally destroy the earth 
d everything on it; it remains for man 
to learn how to live on it as well. And 
just as man's problems no longer know 


we 


than bei 


а 


re- 


afford — 


any boundaries, so his decisions, his 
hopes, dreams and aspirations must. be 
free of all limiting boundaries also. 


Ш the earth, 
to the stars. 


M 
and more — it 


A UNITED WORLD 


Science and technology have shrunk 
the earth to the size of a community. 
As а result, we must now deal with one 
another on an international basis to 
extent that was never. necessary. befor 
It seems obvious that this 
ally lead us to some form of world 
government — that even as we now have 
a United States of America, we must 
eve ally establish a United Lions 


an's destiny encompasses a 
iow. rcache 


1 


must eventu- 


214 of the World. 


to the int 
. but is «oi 
tent with them, for it is to be hoped 
that when world government becomes a 
lity, it will be based upon the same 
concepts of freedom and the importance 
of the individual as our founding fathers 
established for Am through the 
Declaration of Independence and the 
Bill of Rights. 
We are presently try 
aternational problems without the 
world organization 10 make 
them a reality. The United Nations is 
ning, but until it pe 
power to establish laws — by democrati 
process—and enforce them, we can 
never achieve international freedom for 
cach. individual man. Until the United. 
N ilar world-governing 
the power tw © 
decisions, it сап never be more tha 
debating society of nationalistic interests. 
The greatest single problem facing 
mankind toda its 
extinction through atomic conflict, But 
the only possible solution to the problem 
— true. world government — is given rel- 
ively litle attention. Ву pl па- 
tional interests ahead of the interests 
of the individual, we run the risk of 
world ан 
It is as though the United States were 
to attempt to solve 1 prob- 
lems without any national government. 
Imagine, if you will, the impossibi 
of ever achieving the individual 


not 


<15- 


ica 


g 10 solve vital 


neces: 


esses the 


а begi 


has force its 


a 


; is the possibility of 


s mation 


the freedom and the prosperity we 
presently enjoy, if each of the 50 states 
powerful a 


arms race with every othe 
guarantees of the Con. 
sutution and the resulting Federal laws 
cd by cach sov 
guess to accept or reject them. 
ional human being would want 
to live in a community in which there 
was no police force, in which cach fam- 
ily was armed, and where disputes were 
settled by the use of these arms rather 
than on the bz justice and reason. 
And yet that is exactly how we have 
traditionally settled our dillerenc 
wiens. In the past, men have thus 
decimated whole generations, destroyed 
the cultural advances of centu 
ated the populations of entire 
countries, in settli 

Now, howevei 


were 1 


sis of 


5, and 


g their disagreements. 
man's scientific 


ad- 


ess, th in immed 


ol destroying his entire world and 
ything 
We can never escape this danger 


until the ability to wage such warfare 
has been eliminated, but international 
lone is obviously not the 


answer—any more than the answer for 
a community is simply the disarming 
of cach household. Without a police 
force, families would still settle a great 
many disputes through the use of what- 
ever force remained at their command. 
nd so would nations. The only logical 
solution to the problem is the sam 
on an international basis, as it is for a 
ingle community: the establishment of 
a world government, conceived. in lib- 
erty, with justice for all, with an all- 
powerful international police force to 
implement its laws. 


zm 


Before the invention of atomic 
weapons, such an ideal would have 
heen considerably more dificult to 

Now, however. it is relatively 


n the 
nations, 


ms were 
possession, not of individual 
but of a truly international army, es- 
tablished to enforce the laws of a 
democratically conceived inter 
governme: would cease to exist. 
Disputes between nations would then 
be settled, as they should be, not by 
power or coercion, but by law, justice 


ional 


npractical 
ties of 


concept, umelated to the 
the world as it exists today. Ideally 
all of the nations of the world, and 
especially the most powerful ones, 
should be dedicated to such a plan. but 
this is not essential to its success. И the 
United States and jority of the frec 
nations of the world were to institute 
such a plan, no single nation or group 
of nations, including Russia and the 
communist bloc, would be powerful 
enough to stand against it. Morcov 


if the world government were estab 
lished oi 


өшу just and equal. basis. 


men of ever would 
e only alter- 
hilation. Most cer- 


at majority of the presently 

ued nations of the world 
would commit themselves to such a 
plan, which favored jus- 
tice rather than any T- 


bloc interest. 

The need for such international con- 
trol of atomic weapons is also immedi 
ate, before more mations achieve the 
power to plunge us into oblivion. Most 
Of us recognize that the greatest dange 
of atomic warfare с 
between the United States and Russia 
— but in the immediate future, when 
Communis China, which rejects the 
concept of peaceful coexistence, becomes 
atomic power. A world government, 
which outlawed the development. or 
possession of atomic weapons by any 
one nation, would put to the 
ever-present possibility of total destruc 
tion of the human race. 

lt would also produce a new pros- 


not today — 


sts, 


an е 


решу thro s world by clim- 
ш the current arms race а 
need for countries to expend 
waste, a staggering part of their w 
and productivity in the building aud 
ining of the ever more powerful, 
more expensive weaponry for a war they 
dare not wi 


susta 


AN IRRATIONAL SOCIETY 


ion. of our 
ı the im- 
id his fre 
person: 


This, then, is the found 
phasis 


philosophy — an 
portance of the individu 
dom: the view that man's 
selinterest is natural and good. and 
that it сап be cl through 
reason, to the benefit of the individual 
and his society: the belief that morality 
should be based upon reason: the coi 
viction that society should exist as man's 
servant, his master; the ides that 
the purpose іп man’s Ше should be 
found in the Іші living of life itsclf and 
of happiness 
This concept of n wd society may 
п so elementary that the reader wi 
take dor granted. that most men ol in- 
telligence concur, But witness the so 
diety in which we live. Our morality is 
based. in large part, on mystical dogma. 
not reason. Our lives 
superstition and prejudice rather. ihan 
knowledge prized above 
self-interest em. Society is 
placed above the individual. And the 
al of happiness is lost in a Tabyriuthine 
maze of emotional responses, self doubts, 
selfdenials. inhibitions, prejudices. un- 
thinking value judgments. superstiti 
and hypocrisies. Our society is predicated 
largely on the irrational rather tan the 
raional 

Nowhere is this more true tha 
the realm of sex. We have already 
considered the historical origins of our 
national sexual neuroses, Next month 
we will contrast our contemporary. sex 
laws and supposed beliefs with actual 
ior. and consider the effects of such 
inconsistency on the. psychological 
moral fabric of society. Followi 
we will suggest а more rational sexual 
code, consistent with th 
nd 


по! 


the individual pur 


хе 


ve governed by 


in 


be 


philosophy 
nore apt to 
produce a happier, healthier social 
order in the future. 


thus far expressed, 


See “The Playboy Forum" їп this 
isune for readers comments — pro and 
con an subjects raised in previous 
installments of the “Philosophy. 

Two booklet reprints — the. first in- 
cluding installments one through seven 
of "The Playboy Philosophy," and the 
second, installments eight through 
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long before maturation produces the 
good judgment to go with it, Any parent 
en can confirm this for you. 
Your sociopsychological factors resulting 
from what you call repression have noth- 
ing to do, it seems to me, with intelli- 
gent self-control, Until judgment and 
ty develop a individual (they 
never develop in some) to a point ca 
pable of coping with the emotional, rel 
gious and economic realities of the cor 
summation of the biological urge, some 
direction — internal ог external — must 
be applied. Without it, 1 believe our 
Christian and free society would crumble. 
Charles H. Carrick 
Parkview, Ohio 

Hefner has not suggested that chi 
dren be raised without restrictions, as 
regards sex, or anything еһе; children 
obviously require supervision and guid- 
ance, by home, school and church, as 
well as the protections supplied by soci- 
ety at large. When Hefner discusses free- 
dom for the individual, he is referring 
to the individual adull; when he speaks 
of a free society, he is referring to an 
adult society. 

We favor intelligent self-control, in 
sex and all things, and agree that this is 
not — by definition — the same as sexual 
repression: a social ethic based upon rea- 
son would also require maximum matu- 
rity [rom every citizen and would tend to 


raising child 


matu 


(continued from page 64) 


increase, rather than decrease, individual 
responsibility 

Incidentally, it is important for all of 
us who believe in a free America to re- 
member that it is no more right to refer 
to this country as a “Christian and free 
society" than it would be to refer to it 
as a “free, Protestant society,” a “free, 
Anglo-Saxon society" or a “free, white 
sociely.” 


SEX AND RELIGION 

With regard to The Playboy Philoso- 
phy for August, 1 cannot conceive of the 
Roman Church, of which 1 
ber, being so strict a 
relations, The men of earlier centuries 
were created the same as we, and whi 
they got married they expected to go to 
bed with their wives without being sub. 
jected to the prescriptions you mention 
in your article, 

1 wonder if soi ault in 
the early days of the Roman Church, or 
if the authors that you quote have mis- 
ıd regulations of 
the times. According to what I learned 
in school, marriage is a sacrament which 
permits а man and woman to be united 
in body and mind. Consequently, the 
married couple has almost complete free- 
dom in sex. 


preted the rules 


1 J. Houle 
uharnois, Quebec 


Complete freedom? More than was 
permitted during the extreme antisex- 
ualism of the Middle Ages, certainly. 
But isn't marital sex supposed to be per- 
formed for the purpose of procreation 
rather than pleasure, with any mechan- 
ical means of controlling conception 
considered a mortal sin? Isn't just one 
prescribed position for sexual intercourse 
deemed proper and “natural”? And isn't 
most sexual activity other than coitus, 
even between married couples, consid- 
ered perversion? (In the United States 
noncoital sexual activity is termed “a 
crime against nature” and із prohibited 
by law in almost all of the 50 states.) 
And what of the unmarried adult? He 
(or she) has no sexual freedom at all. 


The belief is widespread in our soci- 
ety that Christianity is the greatest moti- 
force for "good moral conduct" 
existence, but the term. "moral" is 
only relative. There are non-Christian 
cultures the world over that are per 
fectly content with their own morals, 
their own gods, or with no gods at all. 
(It is also obvious that Christians have 
not been content with their own reli- 


gion, for they have split into numerous 
different denominations — cach with 


its own moral beliefs.) 

Many of the world's non-Christian cub 
tures are more humanitarian than Chr 
tianity has proven itself to be. Christians 
have suffered, down through the ages, 
from more inhibitions, sexual or other- 
ieties and. more. distrust 
шап than have п 
non-Christian societies. 

‘The Government of the United Si 


as the protector of our free democracy, 


th; 
js not to 


I agree with rLaynoy's philosoph 
the Government's respon 

part of the people, but to all of the 
people. It should protect the Christian 
religion and the rest of American society 
equally. 


ul E. Taylor 
rk Forest, Шіно 


Tt seems to me that many of the state- 
ments included in the eighth part of 
The Playboy Philosophy (July 1963) un- 
dermine the principal Christian tenets 
we have based our society upon. Why 
should we lower our values to meet our 
actions? It scems to me that it would be 


ital sex, as advocated, and extr 
marital sex, as condoned, 
do ultimate harm. 


not 


bankruptcy, these е 
f sex would, bly, lead 
ges. wile trading and even 


nevi 


pressions 
to trial n 


tually to the institution of free love. To 
allow this to happen, merely to satisfy 
the whims and desires of the incestuous 
and the bestial, would be disastrous. 
We must realize th ad c 
must triumph over the body. If it does 
not, man may become irra al — fulfill 
ing every sensual desire at his pleasur 
John Tumbur 
Modesto, California 
и is the triumph of man’s rational 
mind over himself and his society that 
we favor. Christian, Jew, existentialist 
and atheist should all be free to follow 
the dictates of their own beliefs, but not 
be allowed to force their beliefs or codes 
of conduct on others: all men should be 
held responsible and accountable [or 
theiy actions and their actions. should 
nol be allowed to infringe upon others" 
rights. Society should base Us universal 
laws on reason, rather than on the dic- 
tates of any religion or creed, with a 
respect for the individual and the pur- 
pose of promoting his right to life, 
liberty and the pursuit of happiness. 


the 


The tremendous response ло The Play- 
boy Philosophy de 1 
for a modern popular philosophy appro- 
priate to our scientific view of the world. 
Аушоу has, uniquely, laid the founda- 
tion for such a philosophy. It is t0 be 
hoped that this philoso ply 
to grow. both in acceptance and 
cept. To that end, I believe that the fol- 
lowing opinions may be of some value. 
Man continues to broaden his under- 
ling of the physical I the 
He the same 
area of moral "Law." Yet, while 
stigation of the physical laws en- 
joys society's full. support, attempts to 
1 Jaws meet with cries of 

1 science's first. ex- 
. We 


nonstrates the der 


will continue 


1 con- 


ws of 


(c mo 
outrage — just 
plorations into the physical re 
аге led to believe that morality 
cred constant. of the universe, divinely 
revealed thousands of years ago, and de- 
ficient only to the extent that man [ails 
to heed its demands. That this is not 
the case is aptly demonstrated in the 
August chapter of The Playboy Philoso- 
phy. Our present moral codes are direct 
descendants of the morality that sanc- 
tioned the burning of witches, which 
practice has very lew advocates tod 

From our 20th Century vantage ре 
it becomes apparent t a il divine 
revelation formed the original basis for 
morality, it has sullered ludicrous distor 
tion as it passed through the minds of 
We 1 


as d 


men. ave good reason to believe 
that much distortion or стог still re 
mains in our professed sexual morality 


The main hindrance to the free ex 
amination of questions of morality is 
man's myopic view of God, from Whom 


our moral codes supposedly derived, 
from which fact they gain their i 
vulnerability. Just as tlie moral concepts 


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217 


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have suifered now-obvious distortion, it 
is reasonable to assume that the popular 
concepts of God Himself curate. 
(A few people dismiss all religious works 
as mere collections of folklore, inven- 
tions of men’s minds: devout Christians 
must so regard the religious belicts of 
the world’s two billion non-Christians.) 
As science provides us with an increas- 
ingly better view of the u rse, the 
popular notions of God pile in com- 


parison, The deeper our knowledge 
penetrates, the more impressive the 
cosmos becomes: its space is measured 


the billions of light years; its pre 
ion by the billionths of an inch. The 
entire pageant is controlled by immu- 
table Taw, Considerations such as these 
lead the believer to ask. "Can there be 
any doubt as to the existence of Сос 
to which should be answered, “But do 
the popular concepts of God do justice 
to the creator of such а universe as we 
It would seem that the 
God would be to 
nce is doing, 


now observe?" 
better way to know 
study His works, as 
ther than to pore over ancient manu 
scripts. These, after al. are still only 
the words of men, and are limited by 
the extent of man's comprehension at 


the 


he average hun 
is, would try 
otent creator would 


n being. dow! 
y soul, That 
for goad n 


then arbitrarily legislate against its satis 
faction is inconceivable. |t should be 
emphasized that we do not presume to 
question the will or ways of God. The 
question is, rather, do these facts at 
tributed to God seem consistent with the 


intelligence that created this awein- 
spiring universe, or do they seem more 


appropriate to the imaginations of mer 

Fron purely humanist point of 
view, the times when one should restrain 
his sex drive — or resist the demands of 


пу desire. for that matter can be 
ized under 
gs: First, one ind isfaction 


should not be obtained at the expense 
of another individual. Second, the even 
tual consequences of one's satisfaction of 
the immediate desire should not be such 
as to subtract from his total pleasure or 
satisfaction, ated his entire 
lifetime. 

There are a great many qualificatio 
and corollaries to these two statements. 
but none of them contains the theorems 

e is inherently sinful or that 


inte 


over 


EMPERADOR, 1.50, 2.50, 4.50. that please 


In the streamlined crystal flask: the time they were written. hr any sex is base. These latter concepts have 
жерле event. our basic concepts, derived from been contrived by men and used in an 


the Bible or otherwise, should be соп- a to control 


Atlin и телуге tempt to fight fire with fir 


ОЕ Linually subjected to the test of reason, human emotions — drives — with another 
МЕМ COMPANY, INC. = 347 Fifth Ave., New York | in the light of our increasing knowledge. powerful emotion, Icar. This may or 
In this manner we can hope to eliminate may not have ever been justified: it no 
at the carliest time the errors which the — longer seems to be effective 
future always reveals to have been press Reason must be the foundation of our 
ent in the past. modern moral codes. From our present 


А case in point is the matter of sexual knowledge of man’s half-million-ycar 
morality. Certain taboos regarding sex history, we may deduce his true nature 
cannot be justified in terms of the good under its veneer of civilization. We ma 


sons for re- 
there still 


of humanity. After valid re 
nt have been removed. 
the negative attitudes t 


further infer the requirements necessary 
to satisfy that nature, and build codes 
nd morals aimed at maximiz- 


ED 


at sexual of ethics a 
roduct of 


rem; 


36 East 31st Street, New York City 


Canterbury Belts Lo. 


pleasure should be only a by ing that satisfaction for all 
procreation. or, at least, that sex should With this hum 
not be enjoyed for itself, but only as an have a better chance of arrivi 
expression of something “more noble.” tual harmony with the will of the Cr 
Although procreation is the funda- tor than with our present approach, 
We mental purpose of sex. ws per- which often grants to human error the 


sistent sex drive can afford: pleasure immutability of divine sanction. An im- 
throughout the four On the portant characteristic of the new codes 
other hand, it is amply demonstrated in would be our willingness to cha 
nature that merely ne them in the light of incr 
drive is sufficient to ensure the perpetua- knowledge and understanding. 
tion of the species. The religious taboos H. R. Ahrens 
attempting to restrain men from enjoy- San Diego, Ca 
ing his surplus sexual energies сап һе 
explained only іп terms of rules, not 
related to human welfare. but quite a 
rily set forth by God — possibly as 
a test for humanity. A god who would 
act in such fashion would be too petty 
10 be consistent with the magnificence of 
se, Individuals have difficulty 
enough in merely living according to 
the rules they deem necessary for their 
own temporal good. Notwithstaudi 
plush times and places, such as 1963 
‚ the trials of living faced by 


Did I ever 
show you 
where а 
fly bit me? 


soup a spring 


1%” wide, solid 


litornia 


Amen, 


“The Playboy Forum” offers the oppor 
tunity for an extended dialog between 
readers and editors of this publication 
on subjects and issues raised in our con- 
linuing editorial series, “The Playboy 
Philosophy.” Address all correspondence 
on either the “Philosophy” or the 
“Forum” to: The Playboy Forum, 
232 E. Ohio Street, Chicago, 


vLaynoy, 232 


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218 


everybody shinny оша from pec 123) 


run in onstage like a star aud came ой 
like a performing seal. It wasn't that he 
booted his act, it was that that honest 
man was playing in the wrong 1 
Poets are not adjuncts of politica 
аз au, very au, contraire. 

Jackie had been going about her busi 


perfect host- 
she was doing as a 
is dearly between 


ess, and мехе 
wile and mother 


herself, her husband and her kids, al- 
m I could wish that she would ex- 
plain in the near future that 2l-gui 
salutes on the White House. lawn 


not some darling new kind of fireworks 
played to the balcony of the your 

She had been busy, 1 feel sure, with 
those horrible curtains the hell 
t and. rearranging the furniture, 
who's got a better right? She lives there 
some time ago, she was trapped. 
ig a conférenciére-guide-shill for 
a television program, and all that needs 
10 be suid of that evening is what may be 
said of any amateur in the performing 
ans: sh E for effort 
also produced some lines of dialog that 
have got to go ringing down the corridors 
of time. Ringing, well, more tinkling. 
down the corridors of the White House 
was her line, "And this is the Green 
Room.” "Oh," said Charles, the quick 
witted Rover Boy. as they entered th 
room, "I can see why it's called the Green 
Room. 

(Look, look, the wall is gre 


ud 


an The show 


Charles, see, the drapes are gree 
furniture is green. The carpet is 
The ceiling is The windows are 


green, The pre-dom-i-nant color is g 
It is called the Green Room.) 

But this is all interior decoration and 
of no more moment than showing up at 
the b: 


Wh 


сеп, 


let opening 
t is of more moment is that 
i; of the ^ ner 
shingto Kennedy made a 
speech in which he said rough 
our particular hunk of 
tory would be remembe 
now, not for its political or economic 
accomplishments, but for its culture. 
One must suppose that by culture he 
meant what would go on in this culture 
factory — а sort of super Lincoln C 
(А young man of my acquaint 
lated to me what is wrong with Lincoln 
Center, apart from its debatable acous- 
tics. "You don’t make something called 
he said. “you build 
some build ad hope that it will 
turn into a cultural center.") 

Now look, Jack, you are President of 
the United States, and a damn good 


iter. 


ce re- 


one. You can write the books you wish 
to, and read the ones you wish to, and 
make statements about them if you so 
choose. Your wife may hang whatev 
pictures she wants in the White House, 
id what she does about the furniture 
is OK with me. But it is no part ol 
your or her function to be the cultural 
leader of the United States. It is, as yet, 
no function of апу official of the United 
States to put his hooks, grubby or other- 
wi 2 
sculpt, compose, sing a 
chance. In fact, aside from allowing us 
break on the income tax in the gen- 
eral neighborhood of a firscclass citizen, 
the less these United States have offi- 
cially to do with the artist, the better 


æ, on those ol us who write, pai 
take 


4. dance or 


things will bc lor the artist and Ше re- 
public. 

The artist is the enemy of the status 
quo, if he's anygood and 


from Plato to Khrushchev, any attempt 
to make him an appendage of gove 


ment, no mater how kindly inten- 
tioned, produces damn bad art and 
WOrFsC artists. 

y ANS stmt 


1 do uot think it is the province of 
this or any other y state 
to fool around with judgments on the 
place of art, or the quality of culture, or 
its historic role. The next step. and it 
is not a very long one, is Khrushchev's 
shooting oll his big bazoo about the 
evils of any paintings which do not show 
the noble Soviet worker buildin, 
world, in a style which we now usc only 
for doughnut stores. 

Со. I sty, Mr. President, open ballets 
and art exhibits, make dinners for Nobel 
Prize winners, and dress up for open- 
nights, say kind words to 
spiclers. woupers. and if you really 
it. throw open one of those big p 
rooms in that big house to strolli 
players of quality. As a private citizen, 
do what you will about art 

But as President — PI make you а 
deal, Jack. If you won't make statements 

boat art 1 won't buck for Commander 
in Chief. 

You sec 
part. if any 


President of а 


а new 


гим». 


neither of us knows what 
of our culture, if any, will 


be part of history. That comes under 
the Department of Posterity. 


"Don't worry about a thing, kid — the old fixeroo is in.” 


219 


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NOBLE EXPERIMEN 


(continued from page 174) 
of secret churchgoing. No such signs of 
uoubled conscience were to be spotted 
mong the city's officials fattening on the 
iderworld's payrolls. There were no sui 
cides among these high-class characters. 
s a historian of a major uphea 
that took place under my nose, 1 admit 
bias, but T also can boast of perception 
and participation. In the Twenties hun- 
dreds of bright young Americans spurned 
their native land and went looking for 
saner heaths across the Atlantic. John 
Gunther, T. 5. Eliot, Ernest Hemingway, 
Sherwood Anderson, Ezra Pound were 
some of the successful /nigrés. But Paris, 
London and Rome were overrun with 
scores of talented refugees from the U.S. 
who wound up as castaways instead of 
celebrities. 

I also felt tke lure of superior forci 
climes. A fellow, finely arrayed, came 
into the Chicago Daily News local room 
after hours. Jimmy Butts and I were at 
our dog-watch posts. bowed over our 
typewriters, composing our first novels. 
The well-dressed visitor 
he was looking for two reporters to fill 
out his stall of the Shanghai Sun. He was 
leaving for China the next day and need- 
ed а yes or no before nightfall. 

The three of us went to Mangler's 
siloon to talk the matter over. I came 
to around three a.v.. alone. Jimmy Butts 
had taken olf for China. Despite my 
youthful fancy for farolt Cathay, 1 was 
still a Chicagoan, 1 learned later that 
the well-dressed recruiting fellow had 
deemed me unfit for service in China 
because I was unable to hold my liquor. 
1 improved during the Prohibition Era 
as did most of my fellow Ameri 

‘This brings me to my first historical 
statement. The gun-toting crooks of 
hibition and their political buddies were 
а minor phase of the Era. The main 
show was the public — the hundredanil 
lion Americans without previous police 
records who joined happily in the vast 
lawbr 

In zo, the spectacle of 

y its alleg 
a fascinating performance 
to watch, Press and radio reported simi- 

ir mass defections thioi 
tion. 

Fhe thirst for forbidden alcohol was 
ошу part of this secession. This is no ex 
post facto theory. We used to talk about 
it in our favorite saloons that were no 
more bothered by Prohibition than were 
Santa Claus and his reindeer, We used 
to sneer at the amateur drinkers who 
were invading our once orderly liquor- 
g places. It was obvious that most of 
the citizens who started hitting the bot- 
de had been nondrinkers Pro- 
hibition, or wine tipplers at best. 


pounced that 


n entire 


псе from law lo 


before 


There was no mistaking the m 
of this booze minute 
ol Lexington. Concord all 
in. The thing that turned Ameri 
cans into liquor lovers in the very first 
weeks of Prohibition ше fine 
American instinct for freedom. Yes, we 
used to have it. when freedom 
much simpler word than it is now 
had to do with living more thim voting 
kh didn't mean saving the world, but 
enjoying the pursuit of happi 

gested in the Cons 

TI declare myself in ou the national 
psychology of that time, despite the Fact 
that 1 and my mentors felt as detached 
from the ideologies around us as if they 
were the sputterings of the hairy Ninus 
of Japan. 1 mean, we looked on Presi 
dent Warren С. Harding, both Houses 
of Congress and all the pontificators of 
the Republic as rogues and liars or vie 


over 


was 


was 


5». as 


tims of dementia praccox— the first 
psychiatrie phrase to arrive from Vienna. 
The thing that startled us at first 


was that we were no anarchic elite. W 
were part of a lawbreaking multitude. 
Everybody had become — iconoclasts 
Everybody explained to the speakeasy 
bartender that we had just won а war 
to make the world safe for democracy. 
wot bhuenoses. In fact, you could not 
find a soul to cont пушо you 
said against the Govern 
morality unless you со 
priest or chairlady of the 
In the first months of 
everybody became a 


Prohibition 


but it was gangster versus gangster 
bootlegsers battling it out for terri 
rights would no more have plugged 
bystander than. rival automobile 
men would have shot down a i 
yearner. 

\ for our opinions of crooked police. 
crooked judges. mayors, state's anor- 
news, etc, they were favorable. Our at- 
titude toward the unprecedented spread 
of corruption resembled a mood de 
saibed by Bret Harte іп one of his 
Western. Lales. He wrote of boom. 
town newspaper's account of a flood that 
had Hoaied away most of its readers - 
“the editor observed with pensive pride 
that, “an greater than the State of 
Rhode Island is now under water. 

The 
grahenheime 


sales- 


^w 


n 


is this 10 say for our political 


Usually crooked govern 
ment shares its plums with the few. It 
will smooth the way for a financier 
to filch a few more millions, and clobber 
ı shoplifter who wies to make oll with 
in embroidered. petticoat. 

Our Prohibition crooks, Пот the 
White House down, were as greedy as 
any other, but they were not stooges for 
big business, only. They served also the 
mul 
lor mercen: 


ide. They were on frecdom's side 


reasons, to be sure; but 


who cared? 

As a reporter I was aware that the 
cops turned their backs on Ше under- 
world killings, but my respect for the 
bluccoats was not lessened, They pro 
vided cnough copy for the city desk by 
arresting amateur killers — relatives who 
kept knifing cach other at breakfast, and 
decimating family reunions 

We were amused by the knowledge 
that the lawmen. couldn't run down a 
professional Killer if he was stuffed and 


put on display in Marshall Fields win 
dow. But it wi no sour amusement. 
Indeed it was a less critical attitude than 
I feel today toward the police for not 
arresting the characters responsible for 
makin 


my living room hideous with 


PV commercials. I can state firmly that 
the Americans of the Twenties would 
never have stood for them. There would 
n uprising in that freedom- 
ere was against the blue- 


as Lh 


1 have still a few more historical 
generalities to put down before re 
counting remembered details and іп 
«беш of the dry spell. First, and 
tenderest, is this: 1 doubt if. Americans 
will ever have as much fun as they found 
in the Twenties. 

There were many reasons. We were 
still a practically untixed people. And 
we had no future wars 10 worry about. 
We had just won the war that ended all 
wins. Skipping the Avabian Nights econ 
omy of the period —land booms, oil. 
factory, building, automobile and 
store booms — there was the added 
utuaction of a crime boom. Our lives 
became full of theatrical diversion. The 
Untouchables. The Roaring Twenties 
(their authentic versions in which Ше 


bad guy always won) were playing 
bang-bang in front of us. We were, in a 
ier, members ol their casts, but 
ty lists. There were 
only two "civilian" deaths in our Chi 
cago gang w 
wtorney and a not-quite-kosher news 
paper reporter 

My report of the Twenties as a hap 
piness peak is without bias. I have heard 
ind. read Lamentations from many who 
lived in that time, but these сап be 
dismissed as enemy propaganda. The 
d only dis 
consolate tidings to oller had they spent 
the Twenties in Mohammed's third 
heaven, There are always people who 


т 


never their casu. 


rs— an assistant state's 


complaints would have | 


consider happiness a mysterious sin. 

True, there were bewailers, groancrs 
and oratorical bores ululating about hell 
fie, but the American multitude em 
braced the Prohibition Era as if it were 
a permanent New Year's Eve. And so it 
was, in many ways. Not only drinking. 
but kissing was stepped up. Inhibitions 
petered out. Sex came into high favor 

Indeed, the Era altered the American 


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and chiefly for the 
о the American 
tely for the worse. I 
ed a secondary U.S.A. 
1 crime. Corrupt pub- 
Prohibition, have 
fourth of the 
e à democracy 
God bless our won- 
drous lawyers. Years ago 1 wrote a 
parody of America, as sung by the Devil: 


scene but defi 
mean it cre: 
known as organiz 


My country "tis of thee 
Sweet land of larceny 

Iam thy God — 

Land where the crooks preside, 
And freedom, roped and tied 
Shricks from cach mountainside — 
Who pinched my wad? 


merican character change, 
or picture to submit, 
st, one of the greatest historical events 
in human annals — the total emanci 
tion, for better or for worse, of Ame 
сап womanhood. 
Prohibition not only 


doubled the 


nation's booze consumption, but brought 
a new set of consumer throats to the 
alcohol market — the ladies. Before Pro- 
hibition, 


femin ng had been 
in high society 
The saloons were 


le 


y houses. 
male compounds into which no 
could step. The lower-class saloons 
sometimes broke with tradition and 
served a lady beer if she came to the 
back door and brought her own pail. 
Even male drinking, before the dry 
era, was almost as privately practiced as 
sex. Men got stewed beyond the critical 
ken of home folks. Prohibition not only 


opened the nation’s bamooms to the 
ladies. but the 
amily 
ills in 


their respectable parlors, and rarely did 
a neighborly d up without a 
ticipant or two Шоцо. 

1 remember pious h 


Cae- 


sor's wives, plying me with drink in 
arch about it as 


their homes, and as 
nice ladies in a fu 
skirts blowing aro 
There was a gen 
wbreaking. It was 
in your own parlor. 
a little glow of crime 
standing. 


thrill 10 home 
going slumm 


You could enjoy 
without losing 
best 


your moral since the 
people were all aimi 

1 recall also the rush-hour 
respectable folk in the sp 
didnt have to go to them for a dr 
You could get one i every 
hotel and wrant im the city. But 
these Lawbreaking locales lacked glam- 


or. In the speakeasics you could rub 


arly 


shake from one of these underworld 
ies was something to brag about. 
And there was never any risk 10 


speak patrons, The tough-tooking 
waiters treated them with a deference 
never before, or since, encountered i 


nk and broke the law 
with a sense of swagger, and по worry. 
A police or Federal raid was as unlikely 
avasion by brownies. 
In some of the speak-casies, booze was 
served in thick coffee cups, but that was 
only a bit of showmanship to add a 
reminder of lawlessness to the sale go- 
ingson 

The only people who were hesitant 
about visiting the speak-casies were the 
who owned 
them. These were, 
shy fellows. Custom 
with their loud cries of admiration 
hiccuping requests for autographs. ‘There 
was аво the possibility that when a 
drunk threw his arms around a gang- 
ster's neck, not love but homicide might 
be behind the gestur 

One of the most startling by-products 
of Prohibition was the nation’s sexual 
renaissance. Our "dry spell” inflamed the 
national libido as if the entire Republic 
had been given jection of Span- 
ish fly. 

As a young student of this phenom- 
cnon, 1 understood it not too well at 
the time. There is a motto about gift 
horses. However, 1 did some pondering 
n later years about the collapse of 
female morality during Prohibition. 
(Collapse is, perhaps, too dour a noun.) 
Obviously, the girls of the Twenties 
followed a basic psychological patu 
people who break one law are ready to 
ау their hands at other taboos. 

It is likely also that American. Pw 
tanism had run its course, and would 
have sidled ой without Prohibition; 
Ithough I doubt this. Wh the 
cause, sexual morality underwent a revo- 
lutionary change. А myriad of virgins 
under the influence of bathtub gin 
yielded their virginity іш the back seats 
of tomobiles. In the time before the 
invention of the motel, the automobile 
flourished as the most popular courting 
place for the boss and his sceretary, and 
other amorous duos, It wits said then 
of the au iobile that “no good girl 
would ride in ош 

As the Era gained steam, a wave of 
dultery and wile swapping broke over 
d. In the Far West, city planners 
took ads ¢ of the nation's. flicker- 
ing home fires by setting up pioneer 
divorce mills. One Reno litigant (male) 


You dr 


a prospect as an 


Lever 


the 


awaiting his freedom, olfered Americans 
a new diagnosis of marriage — “The 


"t worth the f- 


[-—ing you get, 
you get." 
he Republic instantly understood 
this mystic utterance. 

The fact that a new sexual frontier 
had been opened up in the U.S. was 
led by the disappearance from the 


5 


sigi 


store counters of corsets, bloomers, step- 

as and other survivals of the chastity 
belt. Instead of such glum trappings the 
store windows displayed diaphanous 
negligees, blackchiffon nighigowns and 
similar hints of female cooperation, 


We had fun buying gallons of sacra- 
mental wine from synagogue janitors 
and cathedral caretakers. Door-to-door 
salesmen came into our homes and of- 
fered us a kit containing 12 different 
glass tubes of cordial flavoring. You 
added the favoring to the gallon of al- 
cohol that was part of the pure 
your sideboard bloomed wil 
aéme de menthe, G 
Benedictine, crème de cacao, etc. 
There was a touch of glamor in buying 
whiskey bottles over which men had 
fought and died all the way hom C. 
ada to our own front doors, We enjoy 
also chipping in for cases of Napoleon 
brandy, and becoming thus epicure: 
luwbreakers. 1 knew then, as | know 
now, that this imported tipple hi г 


d nev 


been nearer France thin Gary, Indian 

that it tasted like our Chicago-made 
ind that the doubl 

cheating us. But 

we low-income characters were tasting 
not only brandy but bounderism. We 
were happy to pay a bit extra for the 


of booze bounders. Although the 
Napolcon-brandy label did not fool us 
it fooled our less-knowing di 


your back p 
still, and striking a blow for fe 
every hour by taking a swig of i 
result, we were as often drunk dwing 
the day as in the night. 1 can remem: 


ber having to dictate home-edition 
stories at noon to sober colleagues, and 
геш their typewriting I on 


There was abo а 
of fun on tap. This was liste 
what Н. L. Mencken called “the wowsers 
in action.” Prohibition’s apostles and 
white knights filled the land with 
joyous spouting. We used to read their 
speeches aloud in the speak-casies and 
set drunks to rolling on the floor with 
laughter. During the Eva that recorded 
an mul 8000 to 12,000. murders 
the U.S.—an alltime high in national 
homicide; that witnessed the collapse 
of honest government; that 
world’s record for a per-capita consump- 
th ас ol 
flowering corruption and chronic b 
chanalia, the following wowser state- 
ments were headlined in the press 

wi Jennings Bryan spoke out, 
"God has given America Prohibition 


n intellectual. type 


new 


set a 


tion of liquor— dur 


ve never had the heart to touch Bob's room. 


It’s just as he left it." 


225 


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ed our country from 
ıd the drunkard’s 


and he has thus 
the poorhouse 
grav 


А. Haines, U. S. Prohibition Com- 
, stated, “Prohibition has cut 
half, cut deaths, cut the popu- 


shington and Lee 
led the Prohibition law, " 
d most effective мер forward. in 
uplift of the human race exer take 
any civilized г 
The Auorney General of the U 
us proclaimed, “Prohibition 
the black ime.” 
nt Warre 


forcer named. 


esied, “Prohibition will put an end to 


the terrible evils that feed on alcohol." 

Addressing a conclave of fellow solons 
шоп, Senator Volstead. fa 

mendment, announced, “We 

can now be proud i as 

restored sobriety ttendant 


tues to its 


an impressive 
A span of horses dre 
jam-packed graveyard. A 20-foot pap 
ché boule was lifted from the һешзе 
plot. А Devil in 
his followed the өше and 
grievously as Billy Sun 
Goodbye, John Barleycorn 
you were God's worst enemy. You were 
hell's best friend. D hate you with a 
perfect. hatr 
There are thousands of similar quotes 
per files of the 
You would have to rummage 
in the Dark Ages of Europe to find 
utter 
came powi: 
Remembe 


g such pronouncements, 
1 grin as E did when I first encountered 
them in all their pristine ninnyism. But 
the grin fades. I hav 1 up. I fall to 
wondering how many of today's states- 
men will ridiculous 40 years 
from. now г predecessors of 
, most of them, 


My guess 


ап masses enjoyed Pro- 
n, but the cr d it. 
loved. and honored it until death did 
they part. Crooks all over the world. 


the news of the 18th 
Amendment, headed with or without 
passport for the U.S. A., which had. be- 


come again the Promised Land. Some 
of them got sidetracked in New York. 
Dewoit and Cleveland, but the cream of 
the crop reached Chicago in triumph. 
We were the big time. Our town was the 


(©1963 Lord tett Knitting Co. Ine. 


tion's law- 


pole around which the » 

breakers capered 
Johnny Torrio. Al 
j k Nini 


apone, Dion 
Hymie Weiss. 
uz right thumb 
nently soiled by money 
pike O'Donnell, Bugs 


ion, 
asy Thumb 
pern 


Mor 
Jack. McGurn, 
Lawrence, Thre 
Frankie Pola 
Druggan, the Terrible 
these are some of the na 
leading antiprohib 
keep their stellar standing. 

ОГ these, my favorite was Deanie 
O'Banion. He was Al Capone's great- 
est rival, but not in character, O'Banion 
was the gay boy of the underworld, its 
most romantic figure: combination of 
Robin Hood and Dead Eye Dick. He 
did his own killing. He was involved in 
25 murders, but never ested, due not 
only to his purchase of police immunity 

] charms. 
ster op- 


nes of Chicago's 
They still 


but also to H 
De 
pone 


person 


s victims were 
employed by 


pone 


Terrible Genna Brothers to knock him 
oll. Deanie would no more ta 


nonunderworkd citiz 
ifi 


shot at à 
football h 


k would leap into the 
stands to tackle a bleacherite. The 
police were able to soothe whatever cor 
science they had with the thought that 
every time an O'Banion opponent was 
beaten to the draw, another enemy of 
society entered the morgue. 

vas young, handsome, 
sistent churchgoei 
days, and a loving 
also full of compass 
His 
great as his bribes. He toured 
slums of his bovhood, handing out 
5100 bills Ше needy, and beat 
their heartless He 
511,000 organ i ¢ on which һе 
n hows of song. 
He was full of pranks. He used to 
dawn in the doorway of our 
loon, Quincy No. 9, a news- 
paper reporters’ rendezvous. 
"Who wants to go for a ride with 
he would ask. 
The journalists took turus. joining 


him. 1 veut күйе, Онон охна » | Rambule just about the finest sweater 
aman can own. 100% baby kid mohair. 


lake front in normal style. Arriving at 
Michigan Avenue, O'Banion spurned Аш ЖИЙИ aC Use fios states: 


the street and used the sidewalk for Rothschild's. Oklahoma City 
further touring. Neusteters, Denver 

The wide sidewalk was almost de- Rese Tuscon 
scited. is But there were Allen & Hanson, Las Vegas 
some tr y with. Sighting Desmond's, Southern California 


John Richard, Visalia 
Moore's, San Francisco 
eu Hasting's, San Francisco 
ө ‘The Clothes Horse, Portland 
2 g around him " Frederick & Nelson, Seattlo 
ЕРІНІ 
he cops played along 


si LORD JEFF 
They were usually fellow Irishmen, with в 227 


NEW YORK 1 


ol ne pretended his 


Sev i bull r 


He sent it chargi 
ing and wheeli 


PLAYBOY 


а soft spot for a man of high spirit; ра 
ticularly if they were on his payroll. 
As part of his business 
ion undertook the с 


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++ NEEDS МО BREAKING-IN ++ +++» lower shop on the Near North Side, 
across the strect from Holy Name Cathe- 
dral in which he had sung and wor 
shiped since childhood. О 
flower shop was no fake front for his 
bootlegging operations. It was an honest 
emporium. He delighted їп trimming 
its show window, and was proud of his 
flower fancying clientele. 

“Ain't seen yon for a long time," 
aid one of the two arrivals, and held 
out his paw for a handshake. Always 
the gentleman, O'Banion put his tr 

finger out of play by clasping the 
ad of greeting. The other visitor 
pumped five bullets into De who 
was thirty-two years old at the tim 
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O'Banion's body lay іп state for three 
days in its $10,000 bronze casket with 
idles. Forty-thousand men, 
children filed imo the 
al Home to view the re- 
Pharaoh's casket. 

The hearse, heading for the g 
was followed by 30 open automobiles 
all hidden from the сус by pyramids of 
flowers. There was not a blossom to be 
bought that day in Chicago's florist 
shops. 

Following the slowly moving garde 
e some 100 automobiles filled wi 
ed dignitaries of city and state 
An estimated 30,000 pedestrian. mourn- 
ers completed the cortege. А 50-picce 
band played Deanie to his resting place. 

Despite much pressure, the С 

тей Catholic 
The Reverend Patrick Malloy, however, 
ne out to Mount Carmel Cemetery, 
minus his priestly vestments. S 
multi over the grave, Father Malloy 
three Най M and the Lord's 
Prayer. 
O'Banion's wife, Viola, a beautiful 
nd loyal helpmate during his triumphs 
іп Chicago had a tall shaft erected over 
his grave. Two words were chiseled on 
іш “му SWEETHEART.” 

The day after Ше funeral Deanie’s 
chu Three Gun Louis Alterie, chal- 
lenged ОЗ s to a public 
duel. He said he would meet the mu 
derers at State and. Madison Streets, and 
shoot it out. with them single-handedly, 
in true O'Banion tradition. 


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"I'm staggered." said Mayor Deve 
we living by the code of the Dar 
Ages, or is Chicago part of the American 
Commonwealth 


Mayor Devers unromantic attitude 
ed the proposed duel. Hymie 
ss, another O'Banion 


avenger, hired a vacant offi 
ing the entrance of the Sherman Hote! 
He had information that AL Capone 
was going to visit the hotel in the near 
future, With his machine gun in place 
on the window ledge, Hymie waited for 
three days and nights. He ate up sev 
lengths of salami and downed a 
of lemon. pop. 

On the fourth day, Hymie Weiss was 
rewarded. The street in front of the 
hotel filled up. A band played. Citizens 
cheered and Al Capone stepped out of 
the hotel entrance, right into Hymie’ 
gun sights. But O'Banion’s 
didn't open fire. Beside Capone stood 
the sour-faced President of the United 
States, Calvin Coolidge. The Chief Exec 
utive had fearlessly come to Chicago to 
repair. Republican fences 

‘The military-band music, the flutter 
ing American flags, and the face of a 
U. S. President misted Hymic’s eyes with 
patriotism. A trueblue American, like 


case 


his idol, O'Banion, avenger Нүшісз 
trigger finger stiffened. What if by some 
accident he hit the wrong guy — knocked 


off a President of the United States! My 
God. he would never forgive himself. 
And H ymic allowed the hated Capone to 
walk out of r nder the guard of 
the Chief Executive 

In the underworld, the event was 
long applauded as President Coolidge’s 
greatest achievement while in office. 


Of the booze monarchs produced by 
Prohibition, the least colorful was 
Alphonse Capone. He was a humorless 
man, and as obsessed with arithmetic 
as a bank president. 

His annual bootleg gross was esti 
mated between $150,000,000 and 5300, 
000,000. Whatever the correct figure, 
percent of it went into the pockets of 
city, county and state public officials. 
Capone also kept an emergency fund 
handy for Federal pay-olls. 

In the pile of print and drama 
spired by Al Capone there is usually 

ing the outstanding fact of his crim- 
er— his popularity. During his 
heyday, Al was the most. popular and 
beloved. figure icago. In the rest 
of the nation his me had the glitter 
of a great folk hero. Of all the public 
figures who succeeded AL Capone, only 
Charles Lindbergh stirred the populace 
to as wild an appreciation. 

I remember going to the open 
of a Chicago race track with C: 

nd a dozen of his business assoc 
TC w some 30,000 m. 
women at the track. Spotting AI C. 


“The chair recognizes Mr. Frazer.” 


in his box, they loosed an ovation that 

almost matched 19185 Armistice Day. 
"The people love me.” siid Capone 

view my editor Henry Jus 


Smith refrained from putting into our 
paper. the Chicago Daily News. "The 
reason is Fm their benefactor. 1 give 


them what they want, beer, and booze, 
at reasonable prices. If there was а law, 
for instance, against people enjoying 
sex which 1 wouldn't be surprised if i 
came, a smart fella who owned а string 
of whorchouses could get elected Pres 
dent of the U. S. A., if he cared for the 
position,” 

At the time of his prophecy, Capone 
owned 30 large brothels in Chicago and 
its environs. They were a heritage from 
Big Jim Colosimo, who had imported 
Johnny Torrio and Al Capone from 
Brooklyn to be his bodyguard: 

Shortly after engaging his new pro- 
tectors, Colosimo was mysteriously shot 
to death one dawn while in a telephone 
booth. Capone and Torrio inherited his 
30 whorchouses, among other assets. 

Big Jim must have chuckled 
fiery hell when his whorckouses avenged 
him. Capone died in 1947, gibbering 
with a brain destroyed by syphilis. 

Capone was as near а practical re- 
former as ever reigned in Chicago. He 
cut the city's burglaries, holdups and 
jack rollings to a new low. He achieved 
the cleanup by employing from 300 to 
600 cr 
lessening the 


ing and jack roll 


his 


ninals at а good wage and thus 
xcentive for porch сі 


a 


The weekly pay 


of a Capone killer ranged from S100 to 
5600 a week. 

Capone also drove all the 
out of the city’s Loop. He was especially 
stern with crooked gamesters. Tough, 
young Mickey Cohen who was running 
bust out store” in Randolph Street — 
а dice game at which no outside player 
could hope to win — was ushered out 
of town by Capone. Dozens of other 


mblers 


confidence men and sharpers were 
similarly bum'srushed out of the 
metropolis. 

“The City of Chicago is my customer 


pone explained to the startled crooks. 
Mickey Cohen told me the conversation 
years later. "And I'm protecting my 
customer's interests," said Capone. “I 
don't want any citizens of Chicago 
getting rooked or beat up by any crooks 
I want my customers to realize they 
ain't going to get hurt breaking the 
Prohibition law. H anybody gets hurt 
il be only me and a few of my asso 
cates. My 2,000,000 custom 
going to get their hair mussed. 

"He was a smart man," Mickey Cohen 
reminisced, "and also very impressive.” 
lickey was, at the time of his re 


in't even 


nis- 


cence, the bookie king of California. “I 
€ tied all I could to follow his 


policy by keeping Los Angeles free from 
crime and sale for its citizens. 

1 collided with Capone's business side 
once. A young Southerner arrived in 
Chicago and confided to me in a saloon 
that he had taken over the 14 Midwest- 


229 


PLAYBOY 


230 


crn states in behalf of another Souther 
cr named Lupton Wilkenson, who was 
hoard 


nnexing the Eastern Se 
The West, suh, is not worth our 
time or energy." said my informant. 
His name was Grady Rutledge. He 
was direct from Georgia and his grcat- 
great-grandfath crony of Ogle- 
thorpe — had signed the Declaration of 
Independence. Grady's commander-i 
chief. Lupton, was another Georgi 
years of age. “But, suh, he is going to 
hold all the publicity campaigns of this 
ormous country in the hollow of his 
and. 
I agreed to join Grady, after news- 
paper hows, as a vice-president. 1 added 
Richard Hemy Lite to our organiza- 


h, in no time, occupied. an 
of 


tion wl 
ent По 
Building i Ше Street, 

Our first enterprise was 10 raise 
510,000,000 for the Northern Baptists, 
which we did single publicity 
wrinkle. We organized, through press 
and pulpit, а "kisses era" for the 
Baptist Faith. Every Baptist girl in every 
ish pledged herself not to allow : 
alc ıo kiss her the 510,000,000 
in Baptist coffers 

This Lysistrata gambit raised the mil- 

lions needed for holy work in jig time. 
We have our finger on the public 
pulse, suh," Grady addressed me and 
our othe e-president. Dick Little. 
Dick, one of the finest of foreign. co 
respondents — he had scooped the world 
on the fall of Port Arthur — was at the 
me conducting the Chicago Tribune's 
“Line o Type” column. 
Our. next task, 
overthrow of Prol 
some discussions we decided to 
ation called “The Cam- 
dy, too full of gin to stand up, 
d his battle cry from his presiden- 
tial chair, "A million members, a dollar 
а member — a million dollars!” 

We staged a grand joiners rally in dhe 
La Salle Theater. A dozen girls in orna- 
mental breechcloths and transparent 
Inassieres passed among the prospective 
mels in the theater, distributing our 
iterature and their own phone numbers. 

We landed а host of happy joiners 
who in return for a dol bill received 
1 10-сеші Camel button to wear on their 
pels. But The Camels was a short-lived 
ganization. A few days after our La 
Salle Theater triumph a pair of Capone 
rs visited our headquarters in 
the Willard Building which, to Grady's 
horror, also housed the Woman's Chris- 
tian “Temperance Union. The mesen- 
gers represented Gapone’s business side, 
They were lean, glittering-eyed natives 
of Sicily and their coats bulged with 
fire: 


vances Willard 


иһ 


un 


w 


v. “is the 


` they informed us, 
“he dont want no Camels. 
Grady, descendant of the Dedar 


ion 


of Independence signer, sputtered a bi 
but Dick Little and I swung him around 
to Capone's side as a cozicr place for 
Chicagoans. The underworld wanted no- 
body menacing the Prohibition goose 
that was laying the golden eggs. And 
the underworld waned was the law 


The 


picture of lawmaker 
would be incomplete without a 
one account of his private life 
Capone society item 1 offer the bir 
party he gave one of his 
Curly. Pal Curly was а 
liaison man between Capone and his 
surviving rivals. 

But pal though he was, Curly 
shortcoming. He had not been entirely 
honest in his negotiations with his boss’ 
competitors. In return for large fe 
had permitted them to remain alive and 
functioning. 

Curly's birthday was celebrated in Cic- 
cro, Ilinois. Some 50 ladies and gentle 
5 ved in motor са 
Curly was toasted as the guest of honor 
А candlelit birthday cake appeared. € 
of "Speech, speech" brought a dewy- 
eyed Curly to his feet. 

As Curly started his thank-you speech, 
six Capone men joined him and beat 
him into a pulp with baseball bats. Dur- 
ing the pulpifying of Curly, the rest of 
the guests, led by Capone. sing, "Happy 
birthday to you, happy 
Curly 


Capone 
least 


men in ev 


The Republic teemed with famous 
cooks and Killers. We heard of them in 
Chicago during the Twenties but, being 
cha idered them а sort 
of road-company troupe of malefactors. 
Many of them became criminals of power 
and prestige, particularly іш New York 

ту Fay, Owney Madden, Longy 
Waxey Gordon, Lepke, Gur 
h. Meyer, Dutch Schultz, Frankie Yale, 
icky Luciano, Legs Diamond. Joe 
Adonis. Willie Moretti, Vito Genovese, 
Augie Pisano, Abe Reles, Vincent Coll, 


ists all, we con: 


wit 


still alive and guarded by expensive 
yers against any libelous references. 

New York's criminal talent made Іше 
impression on Chicago, Из bootlegger 
vendettas, killings. hijackings seldom 
merited more than а few sticks on an 
inside page of our press. Chicagoans pre- 
ferred to read about their own gun- 
Dlasting bravos. Besides, ihe Eastei 
bootlegger didos were small-time d 
alongside such events as our St. V 
tines Day Massacre and the destruction 
of the Terrible Gemma brothers: and the 
pone negotiators from 
h the Purple Gang in 


return of seven C; 


a conference wi 
Detroit. 

Sapone had been tracted 
by the business talents of Detroit's un- 
derworkl. Its bootlegging were 


ales 


ed it was time for a big business 
me For a 25percent cut of the 
Purple Gang's profits, Al was willi 


add his pr 

After a day of conferenc 
Capone ne 
in an ambulanc 
they lay full of bullet holes and dead. 
The ambulance was abandoned by its 
drivers in the heart of the Loop. 
wotiators a lavish 
al, and demanded in a graveyard 
iterview that the 17. 5. Army take over 
the City of Detroit, and su меп it out. 
President Harding refused bravely to 
bow to this Capone dictate, and the Pur- 
ple Gang continued. to flourish in De- 
шой. 

А few ourof-towi 
made our Chicago front | 
the demise of Dutch Schultz. 

Alter a period of warfare with 


stige to its operation 
the seven 


func! 


episodes, however, 
s. One was 


Legs 


Diamond, Mad Dog Coll and Owney 
Schultz, 


Arthur 
the 
y- Chi- 


Madden — Dutch nee 
Flegenheimer, w ated i 
Palace Bar in Newark, New Jerse 
cago editors w tracted chiefly by 
Dutch Schultz aces. Аз 
he gave up the ghost, the once puissant 
Dutch Schultz spoke, “Mother is the best 
bet. A boy has never wept or dashed a 
thousand kim.” 

George Briggs, New York correspond: 
ent for our Daily Ni refused to be 
budged on this deathbed quote, 

“I know it sounds idiotic,” s; 
"but please bear іп mind mo: 
Yorkers sound idiotic. You can't expect 
their underworld c cters to make 
more sense than the rest of the popula- 
tion.” 


One of the most curious things I noted 
in the Twenties was the activity of our 
professional censors. in Chicago no less 
than in all the cities of the na As 
the divorce rate doubled 
became as commonplace 
g as less than 30 percent of brides 

i d half of 


jon. 


nd adultery 


reached the altar as 
our public servants w cahoots with 
crooks and killers— the censors arose 
everywhere to bring the Devil to his 
knees. Not political censors, or censors of 
crime and corruption, There were а few 
such voices crying, “Wolf! Wolf" They 
made a bit of noise but they were as 
powerless as а set of gophers. 

The censors of power were the literary 
and entertai 
bawdy, lawbreakin: 


ment arbiters. During our 
Twenties, these vi 
n hand. 

mov 


print or exhibit any improperly dressed 
female. A citizen caught carrying 
tograph of a nude lady was certain to be 
locked up in prison for three months, No 
publisher or producer was allowed to 
olfer the public any literature or drama 
that concerned itself with sexual reli 


pho 


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Her 4-speed transmission never 
misses a mesh. 

At 10,500 rpm 16.5 reindeer are 
in there prancin’ and dancin’ — 


Santa’s Helper 


horns and all. Add to that a 150сс 
capacity, and an 8:1 compression 
ratio and you'll know what makes 
Santa go ho, ho, ho. 

She's a self starter, too. Which 
saves a man a lot of trouble. Want 
her number? It's Honda CA-95. 

If the line's busy, you can get 
the address of your nearest dealer 


or other information, by writing 
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Department AC, 100 W. Alondra, 
Gardena, California. 


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world’s biggest seller! 


© 1963 AMERICAN HONDA MOTOR CO., INC. 


AO0üHAV'TId 


by married or unmarried 
ws; that offered — instane 
unpunished infidelity, or that preses 
heroine who was not a virgi 
During this ti 


par- 
of 
ted 


of booze a 
Ше movie-censorship code 
movie showing any male or fe 
a drink of liquor. And while our g 
sters were blowing each other to hell 
at the rate of 8000 to 12.000 
а year, our movie code forbade the show- 
g of any movie character shooting 
another movie character. Any movie pro- 
ducer who wied to outwit the code by 
depicting a crooked policeman or poli 
tic 


nd gone 


ап on the screen would have been run 
out of Hollywood as a subversive on 
Russia's payroll. 

OF the many stor 
porter in the Tw 
the triumph of virtue 
young lady passenger on a North + 
streetcar was accused by 
ger, a high-school principal, of showing 
her leg to way above her knee while 
traveling beside 

The East Chicago Avenue polic 
judge who absorbed the evidence ж 
gangster O'Baniow's payroll. Deani 
had told me he had bought His Honor 
cheap, 5200 a week for liberating any 
O'Banion associate brought before hi 
bench. 

The jud 
nd promised. to send he 
if she indecently displayed he 
- From th 
an ounce of mor: 
a ton of guilt. 

I remember wondering in those 
grant days if Americans would ever re- 
cover enough respect for their politicians 
to take an hour off to vote for any of 
them again. Apparently, they did. 

Prohibition did not knock out democ- 
тасу, it only corrupted it. It did this by 
producing a crop of crooks as sm 
any bankers or railroad presidents. Our 
underworld, after Prohibition, became a 
coterie of lethal financiers, bullered. by 
the best legal brains of the land. As of 
today the chances of convicting a top- 
echelon crook are as remote as sending 
an archbishop to the electric chair. 

Another Prohibition legacy is the 
regard for criminals that fills the Am 
can heart of today. Our good citizens’ 
crush on gangsters has put billions of 
dollars into the movie and TV cashboxes. 

After Prohibition dozens of actors be- 
сате ional idols by shooting blan 
cartridges at other actors 


5 I covered аз a re- 
ies that. celebrated. 


I offer 


ge fined the lady knee exhibit- 
to jail 
person 


episode 1 deduced that 


igh 


|! a flood of 
sereen dramas. Among these catchup- 
shedding desperadoes were Edward. G. 
Robinson, Paul Muni, у, 


Humphre Ladd, George 
Bancroft, Gable, George Қай, 
lance, Victor Mature, Ric d 
k, Dick Powell, Peter Lorre, 


John Garfield, Sydney G 
Steiger, ete. 

An eye-opener on what had happened 
t0 Americans during Prohibition was 
provided by John Dillinger, 
who led a killcrary gang in the Mid- 
west in 1933 and 1931. Dillinger's score 
included ten men murdered, seven 
wounded, four banks robbed, three po- 


enstreet, Rod 


Herbert 


ice arsenals plundered. and three jail- 
breaks in which he released all his fellow 
prisoners. 

During his murderand-plunder spree 


Dillinger wrote his s 
about me, I'm 1 lot of fun.” 
An all ош for Public 
Enemy Number Опе kept D s 
name in the nation's headlines. A Gary, 
Indiana, whorehouse ma med 
Anna Campanas gave the FBI a help- 
ing hand in locating the murderer. On 
July 29, 1931, Dillinger walked out of a 
movie theater in Chicago. and was shot 
to death by FBI agent Samuel P. 


"Don't worry 


s 


s the FBI's blackest hour. A 
tof the public acted as if an 
ı idol had been destroyed. Let- 
noui ng of Dillinger, 
nd editorials calling it a cowardly deed 
filled the press of the land. 

Four months alter killing the coun- 

пуз leading murderer, agent Cowley 
came unexpectedly on one of Dillinger's 
old gang, a murderer and robber 
known as Baby Face Nekon. In the 
ensuing gun battle FBI agent Cowley 
жаз killed and Baby Face was fatally 
ided. 
1 most of the nation’s sympathy 
to the slain murderer rather than 
ıo the heroic Cowley who had died in 
baule. 

With the repe 
ment, the hangov 


wol 


of the dry amend. 
became sharply ap- 
parent, The Prohibition Era had 
produced a nation of crime bulls. Not 
just bootleg; s but it coast-to-coast 
with a ing to see any- 
body shooting anybody else. Husbands 
shooting wives, psychos wiping out nests 
of relatives, cowboys plugging Indians, 
barkeeps or sheriffs. Aud, of course, the 
Bad Guys of organized crime falling in 
a hail of bullets from the Good Guys of 
law and order in the Prohibition Е 

Lawlessness today is our chief spec- 
tator sport. It even tops our interest in 
the Communist menace. From 50,000,000 
to 90,000,000 Americans. sit pop-eved. 
before a nightly roar of gun battles and 
corpses piling up. 

The armchair infatuation with crime 
is the lesser half of the story. The Prohi- 
Era helped vitally populate the 
U.S. with the largest cast of real 
Чегет. thieves, Swindlers, mu; 
rapists and crooked politicians ever 
sembled in one Land. Our annual 
der rate tops that of the entire rest of 
the world, with € ind Russ 


audience 


bi 


figures unavailable. Our criminals out 
number the combined felons of all 
Western civilization. 

J. Edgar Hoover's blackboard li 
annual 6500 murders, 1,500,000 
robberies, 1.500.000 rapes. mugging: 
skull fractu 
thefts and dope peddlin, 

In all, the U.S. is the homeland of 


s an 
ned 


тоге than 3.000.000 active criminals 
who manage to steal and swindle an 
annu. ake of 520,000,000.000 out of 


their honest countrymen. 


Almost none of this criminal loot is 
recovered, However, the Bureau of 
Internal. Revenue reve; ast y 
it collected tax. pe g $1,684,- 
000,465. 


Very few of our important racketcers 
extortionists, dope, prostitution and 
murder impresarios landed in jail that 
year or any other year. However, all is 
not darkness. The Internal Revenue 
Bureau reveals that the prison sentences 
meted out to income-tax jugglers totaled 
9538 years. 

The Prohibition Era is not solely 10 
blame for onr moral bust up of today 
Other forces have been at work. Racial 
tolerance, fear of the atom bomb, and 
the timidity of the vote-hungry politi 
cian have all taken bites out of the 
American soul. 

It is generally said of the Twenties 
(by other historians) that they echoed 
the decline and fall of the Roman Em 
pire: that they turned the U.S. into 
land of Godless libertines, с lists, 
Napoleonic crooks. 

But give the Devil his duc. He made 
some pleasant contributions in the 
Jazz music brought the Negro his first 
taste of equality. The female figure came 
out of its sartorial cocoon. Its anatomy 
on full display, except for a few square 
inches, put an end to the peekaboo 
game that was called modesty. Hypoc 
гізу changed from a social into a politi 
cal force. Governments and not human 
beings took to talking through their 
hats. And religion, far from being scut 
ted by the Era, was actually improved 

ism of the Twenties. The 


1 dogmas that made it al 
most impossible for an intelligent 


human to submit himself to a church 
service have been considerably chipped 
away. 

Summing up my report of the Prohi. 
bition Era, 1 don't know if it w: 
time of feasting that ended а civi 
tion, or а new look at human values 
that launched am improved existence 
But this I know: the U.S. was a sweet 
land when it was having fun in the 
Twenties. 

Biased or not, if 1 had th 
a decade 


choice of 
1 which to live, from Pericles 
to Kennedy, 1 would 
the Prohibition E 


sk for residence 


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MOO GOO GAI PAN 


(continued from page 111) 


It's 


think — that’s not livin 
n you keep that u 
e probably going crazy already.” 
Where are you goin; 
m going to work, I'm going home. 
I'm goi 
where Гус got t0 go. 
I gave him a skeptical look. 1 was afraid. 
to say too much. П was one thing to mock 
my life, because it was so random, and it 
өшу mine. lt was like saying 
“Where'd you get that tie?" I could al- 
ways change it— but with him jt was 
flesh and blood. T could hardly ask 
“What's that big hump on your back?” 
The waiter brought our order and la 

it out on the table. Milton picked up his 
glass to pour the beer. It was scratched. 
from scouring and he held it up to the 
light and looked at it sardonically. “Lis- 
ten, Pancho," he this is how it 
goes: Your life is there and you live it. 
You don't read it in a book or take a walk 
through it or dream it, and vou don't 
think it up cither— it’s there. Look at me 
Р ied. When ] went overseas 

in 1945 I left a lively nineteen-year-old 
girl, iwo-months pregnant. “Twenty-six 
months later I come back — twenty-six 
mouths Гле been waiting to live like a 
human being. 1 don't tell her I'm coming 
— ] want to surprise her. Fm going to 
drop in like à bomb. So what happens? 
I ring the bell, 1 hear a 
inside. My mother-in-law opens the door 
— she's crying, She looks at me and she 
starts up even louder E 
noth 
my head, my duffel 1 
"Who's not him? I sav. 
hat. My wife comes up. 
Where is he? She's arying too. 
1- 1 v “What's 
here? So between boo-hoos and voo-hoos 
they tell me the dog is lost. Шеуле erving 
for the dog. They thought I was bringing 
back the dog. Sylvie goes back in and 
drags something out. E thoughi it w 
dog, bur it’s the kid. "Here's your father!” 
she’s hollering. Tm still standing on the 
doorstep. 1 look at the kid. He's ser 
ing — Fm the bogeyman. His face is 
t he’s skinny 


sleep. 1 


where Em supposed to go— 


жау 


said. 


lot of holleri 


ж on the doorstep. 
nd I take off the 
"Where is he? 
wl 


ivisiblez 


he 


screwed up. 1 scc tl 
close together. He's. screaming 
like an airraid siren. | look at Sylv 
her eyes arc red, she has wrinkles in her 
neck, and 1 see that the Іше bastard has 
ing at 
you're home? It's not 
t she isn't glad 10 sce me, you under- 
stand, it’s just that the dog is lost — her 
mother is crazy about the dog. and the 
kid too — and she's а bit slow, she didn't 
know I was coming. Shell catch up in a 
minute — wait awhile, But 1 don't feel 
1 sce my father-in-law bring- 
ar. Hes gor the dog on his 
even offered. a reward. 


eyes 


if to say Ха 


Nobody offered a reward for me. 11 
n't put my foot in the door yc 
thinking [could turn around and walk 
away. Fm going to find the dog, 1 could 
say. and before they woke up Ud be gone. 
Га grow a beard, take a French n 
they'd never find me! But what did I do? 
1 went across that doorstep, 1 picked up 
the kid. screaming and all, put my hand 
around Sylvie, coughed up a smile for her 
old lady, Gapped her old man on the back 
—1] had three hands—and said “Here 
n!" 

A few days later 1 report 16 the old 
s hat factory and start to work like 
ve six days a week. Sundays whe 
чп туіне to read the sports page he's 
always after me — Why doit you rake a 
mer in your hand?’ — so 1 move to 
Kew Gare Another expense! Fumi 
ture, debts, divots — they got me a whole 
ilc wholesale! 

ut you see what 1 mean, Pablo — all 
this has nothing to do with The point 
is: This isa life, for better or worse. 
ple know what 1 mean when 1 talk to 
them about it.” 

This was such a stage 
that 1 put down my knife and fork a 
stared at him, “So you're happy — you 
satisfie 

“Satisfied! It’s a life, Pm telling you. 
I'm nor a philosopher 10 go to the library 

ke a course to find out if Um satis 


ns. 


> 


g non sequitur 
d 


or 


though I still loved him, I could 
ler all chat pass. “You like living in 
Kew Gardens on top of your brotherin- 


нім. Suppose T wake up in 
iddle of the night with a toothache 
sain. Besides, where do yo 
want me to live — on top of a mountai 

"What about the hat factory? You 
enjoy ы 

“I don't make hats— I make money. 
You think making hats is more monoto- 
nous than making girls? You don't go 
through the same motions, sty the same 
things every Hello — goodbye 

1 looked down at my plate and t 


11o 
remember him as he was five or six years 
before: the fine tough tight grin he had, 
the quickness you could sec in his down- 
He then, with a restless 
ferocity in his face that sucked in his lan 
checks, We used to wear cach other's 
clothes, but now he outweighed me by 20 
pounds, he didit have that hungry-for 
life look anymore, Now he would call 
that look "fro d 

“You never fect trapped?" I said, com- 
pack to Kew Gardens. 
jure P feel trapped! But Fd rather 
he tapped by something than by noh- 
ing.” 

“Monotonous or not, you don’t wish 
you could grab a stay piece. now and 
then: 

"Sure I wish! But suppose I did 
опе Fd still wish, because 


was wi 


b 
you can't 


grab them ай. Right now in the shop 
theres a Pucro Rican kid with a belly 
full of mambo who's hot for me. I once 
lea deal with her and borrowed some 
с ound the cor 
ner alter work and Fm whistling for a cib 
when all of a sudden I say to myself. Ab, 
what for? and Т put her in the cab and 
send her away. Then 1 go home and tell 
Sylvie to wear a pair of black stockings 
amd high heels to bed." 

Blick stockings aud high heels! Are 


you serious?” 


пу place. Sh 


“Sure I'm serious — where's your imagi- 
nation?” 

| looked at him. I thought he was 

putting me on. ^E know," he said. “you 

recite them poetry. ОК. each man to his 

1 

d of girl — your 


taste. Dt all depends on what you wa 
Now vou take your ki 
skinny sdiksas — they've got no tits, Fine! 
you say — there's nothing to go wron; 
They can’t fall, you can frame hei 


her on the wall, or from the cha 


а 
Че 


lier. Svivie, now. she's no work of art 

her tits hang down to her belly button 
already. But they're tits! When she lays 
down you can't tell the difference, She 
puts он a bra and they bounce. You and 


chums over here, you've got to grab 
your girls by the ass. They've got nothing 
but asses — your whole world is ass back 
ward!” 

cfore 1 could stop laughing he was olt 
. Polo. you 
want a job? You need somethi 
cise your talents on. ГИ give you a place 
on the truck — plenty of fresh air, con 
tacis, you'll sec the world. FH even fix it 
so you don't have to count the boxes.” 


on a dillerent tuk. “Lister 


“Then 1 can move to Kew Gardens.” 

“Naturally! ГИ buy. you some divots. 
you'll have a liwn. You'll get an apart 
ment with a toilet and ГИ teach you to 
adl. 
pall bets — hockey. basketball. 
ad fights as well — always Ба еа 


bet basc 

His lx 
football 
me with their point spread, who's hot, 
who's pitching. what the smart money 
says. and so on, and L had the Meeting 
It. as if iliis was a prerequisite to 
his lile, that I could never get the 
of it all. It suddenly struck me too 
1 the 


Шш Û was much more of a babe 


woods in his workl than hc was in n 
and strange as it seems, there were more 
imaginations running amuck in his. He 
had told me, for example. about a friend 
of his n 
hi: 
stopped a guy for speeding. It turned out 
that the guy was an appliance dealer, and 
he talked his way out of the ticket by of 
Herbie а W-percent discount on 


med Herbie who was а state 


tolman. One day Herbie had 


ed. А fair exchange was 
no robbery, Herbie said. then he squeezed 
the guy for the same discount for all his 
friends and relatives, so that in his and 
Milton's house now nothing is done by 
hand if it could possibly be managed 
electrically. Tt was the same with the 


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none day the only understand stories, even though 
dealer, who by now is like you're always thinking. A few weeks a 
confesses: He purposely did it, in Herbie’s I'm riding in the subway and I meet a 
words — he deliberately got himself guy I knew in basic u . Zeller. 
stopped for speeding so he could make a "Hello, Mikele,” he says and starts pump- 
pitch and start the wholesale ball rol ing my hand. "How are you, wha 
Aud if this isn't plot enough to dum- doing, how’s the family? and so on, 
found Dostoievsky, here's the p: fine,’ I say, and I remember that he's 
They we pout his wife, he wi 
Milton. Yes, he was a hustler, they con- and writing letters, so Lask him 
ceded, but they saw noth sual in “How's your wife, Zeller? He puts on a 
him. long face, “Ah, not so good,’ he says, "not 
c had a у хо good. "Why, whats the matter?’ 1 say. 
сус, because Milton tapped his knife ‘Nothing serious? "You'd never guess ir 
wt his g Stop t 1 years,’ he tells me, and he pulls 
You think too much. Look wl ncil and a piece of paper. "You 
let, You're surprised 1 s. "most people's intestines, 
know what happened to Hamlet? D saw go like this’ — he draws a couple of 
it on television. ГИ explain to you wl loops — but my wife. her intestines, they 
Shakespeare was saying: He с this; and he draws the same thing 
that happy is busy but with a knot in it, I look at the paper. 
then you've got no time to think you're The man next to him looks at it, too. 
unhappy. Here, ГИ tell you а моту — you People are listening. "Nothing can get 


m 


you've got to be bu 


"Gives the men no end of confidence." 


/ he says, pointing "о the knot. 
tuvally she’s very uncomfortable." 1 
don't know what to say. People are 
watching us. He looks at me very seri- 
ously. ‘It's costing me a fortune,’ he 
Im uying to think of sometl 
answer — ‘So the doctor's giving h 
ments? "Naturally, he says. "He's a 
an operation, so he's giving h 
and she's on a fluid dict.’ Well, 1 wished 
him luck with his solvents, and when I 
got olf the train T thought about him aud 
his wife with the knot in her intestines 
and I felt sorry for him. I thought maybe 
he was а little cracked — but then 1 real- 
ized that he was happy. He could take 
out his life or his wife and draw you a 
diagram. He had a fustrate problem, 
like one of those doctor series on televi- 
sion. Plenty of human interest — and 
suspense, what suspense 
The waiter was clearing the tabl 
I knew Milton would soon be саъй 
felt vei if those seraps on my plate 
were the sweetandsour remains of our 
friendship. A faint hope — maybe he was 
only clowning? — rose and fell. But по, 
if it was a joke, it was on him. The dead 
рап was по longer a mask. 
My feelings slipped out in 
“By the way, did you get your new two- 
tone load yeg” He had told me the last 
time I saw him that he was going to trade 
in his ci 
“Not yen,” he said. "I had to get Sylvie 


sad, 


"That's right — a cocktail di 
at the hell isa cocktail dinmond? 
engagement ring, only she 
s it on the other hand. 
Doesn't she have an engagement 


"She wants one on both ha 


Listen, Milton, let me ask you 
you tell a diamond from a piece 
Can Sylvi 


What are you h g me for? 
wanted it — her friends have them." 

“Her friends have them — so she 
to have one, too, and you have to pay 
through the nose for it?” 

“I don't pay through the nos 
by cheek. Anyway, what do you w 
Пот me? You want me to change the 
world?” 

If 1 had stopped to think, I wouldn't 
have done it, but he was my best friend, 
my brother, so 1 said "Yes. Yes, 1 want 
you to change the world. 1 want to 
change it myself.” 

He gave me a long searching look 
until the waiter came and laid the bill 
between us. 1 reached for it, but he 
pushed my hand away. “AI I wane to 
change,” he said, "is а twent 


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“Just go up on the roof and mind the reindeer until I 
tell you—and the whole sack is yours, sonny.” 


how to talk dirty 


Mrs. McKenery was a banister polisher. 

She entered, a woman in her 60s, with 
huy oily skin, satiny as the furniture. 
She probably used some expensive mon- 
keygland preparation for the purpose 
ol preservation, and it certainly served 
its function: all of her wrinkles were 


Brother Math: 
are іп this an 


am from th 
tion, and wı 


breath when she sat down and didn't 
stop for another one treated me 
to the most intimate revelations of her 
life. First she related the details of all 
the Good Work she had ever donc — the 
i to which she gave unstint- 
vices, Then she concen 
real sacrifices — being 
sensitive, cruel man and 
with him only for the sake of 
she could have а 


is she 


married to 


norm 


1 upbring 


Of course | had to agree that she, Mrs. 
MeKenery. had w 
Dolly could ha 
and 


«А her life so that h 
a mother and father 
ot suffer the indignity of “a broken 
T inquired where Dolly was. and 
1 was not overly surprised to find. that 
she was at the analyst. 


Alter Mrs. MeKenery citaloged all the 


ge. she described how she had been 
nig ıd Daddy had 
years old when 
elated the Sabine 
intricate detail: detail 
quired only by constant retell- 
in the Рос Classici 


ped “by 


fired," She was оп 
it happened, but she 
scene to me in 


that 
2:1 


a two-hundred-acre estate 
— do you know where that big new store 
downtown is? Daddy used to play cro- 


h me there — it was our front 


quet w 
d. 
She went on and on and on, 
ption of the lynch 
acidentally, had never 
her, but had been 
as merely boasting to others 
his intentions. 

“What if he had gotten to me 
shudder when 1 think about i 

Alte of her carly t 
matic sexual experiences, she discussed 
frankly her husband's lack of manliness. 
He was never an alfectionate man 
She sighed deeply. but before I could 
take advantage of this opportunity to 
make my pitch, the nterrupted: 
“Excuse me, madam, but Mr, Madison 
is here.” 

1 was introduced to Geollrey Madi- 
а brilliant young poet” who was 
wing Mis. МеКе with the 


ito the 


йу desc ag of 


of 


1 sill 


the confessio 


maid 


ery 


(continued from page 181) 


Greek classics and teaching her to appre- 
ciate tragedy. He was taking her to the 
opening of the first espresso house in 
Miami Beach, 

She explained to this sensitive fellow 
the purpose of my visit — the wonderful 
work [ was doing for the unfortunate 
lepers in — "Where was that place? 

Madison. smiled. aska at me. 
hustler to 

He reminded me that they had only 
15 minutes to get to the art exhibit, and 
she hurriedly wrote me a check, putting 
the amount and signing it, telling me 
to fill in the name of my organization. 
She kissed my hand and left me alo: 
with the maid. who ha raped, too. 
When she was 14. 

I dowi know if 
sory sift for divi 
but of all of the wone 
nearly 80 percent h: 
other 20 percent had. either 
on a bieyele ог horseback or 
fallen accidentally on а fence. Their bi; 
problem was that their husbands never 
believed. them. 

The maid gave me an envelope, and 
I couldn't wait till I got out of the house 
to the car so that I could open it and 
peek at the amount on Mis. McKenery's 
check; I was too discreet to conduct such 
an investigation on the premises. The 
envelope contained a poem Mrs. McKen- 
ery had written about Saint Agnes, 
also a clipping from the Seventh-day 
Adventist paper about the tea cozy she 
had made for the Косаи Orphan Drive, 
nd the check. When 1 looked at the 
amount on it, I thought there must have 
been à mistake. I saw the number 750 
in the upper-righthand corner and 
had forgotten the dec 


One 


c 


extras 
» violated virgins, 
n E interviewed, 
d bes ped. The 


ured she 


dollars. 

I knew then that Г was on my way to 
being the highest-paid analyst оп Miami 
Beach. 


In two days I made only nine calls 
The sessions got longer and lo 
ot only one rejection and collected 
55300 in cash and checks. All from the 
purest, most sclf-sacrificing women who 
were unfortunately married to insensi- 
tive, unaflectionate hush id who 
would all be virgins to this day if it 
weren't for what seemed to be the same 
lustful rape artist or а fence whose 
sti- 


ds. 


height had been just a little und 
matcd. 

1 was mildly annoyed be 
се to discuss т 


se I never 
sot a cl gion, which 
was my official sphere of interest. I had 
done a lot of reading im preparation, 
and it was all being wasted. 

‘The only trouble 1 had 


was from 


Honey. When I са 
night. she wouldn't believe tha 
gotten “all that money just for nothin 
She insisted, "No woman's going to give 
you 5750 just for talking 

She would go through all my clothes 
for lipstick traces; she would sniff me 
all over for the scent of powder or per- 
fume. 

I never did anything but shake hands 
with any of these women, but there wi 


t fst 
t E had 


ic home th 


times dwing our mariage when 1 
sed other girls, and 1 had found it 
much safer to leave the lipstick on and 


explain it away with, “I couldn't help 
it, this tipsy old lady just grabbed me 
and kissed me, she said I looked like hi 
s Killed in the she 
about seventy . . - 

If vou ve ever tried to rub lipstick olf, 
you know that even if you remove it 
all. your mouth is twice as red as it was 
when you left it alon 

When Honey and 1 
going together, she had toll me 
iow how men are, like butterllies до 
from flower to flower. 1 understand th: 
from time to time you may kiss 
girl, and I dort mind, as long as y 
tell me. J just never want to hear it from 
anyone else.” 

And I believed her. 

And I did tell her. 
Just onc 
“I'm glad you told me,” she said, 
began a slow barn, Within hal 
she had broken every record I had — 
у Gramercy Five 785 — and 
ripped up all the pictures 1 had of any- 
body I knew belore we were married, 
nd demanded that I tell her the girl's 
me and that we go together to her 
ght then at four AM. and “have it 
out." She ended with: "OK, if you can 


son who w wal 


must've been 


ted 
E 


had frst sta 


have а good time, | can have a good 
time, too! 

For weeks after. every time 1 came 
home from, say. the drugstore, she would 


say. "How's your girlfriend?” When- 
ever D talked to anyone on the phone, 
or on the street, or in a store — even a 
salessirl — Honey would charge over or, 
following me in the сах. pull up to the 
curb and challenge: “Is that her?” 
Three days after my confession. she 
saw me talking to the secretary of an 
ge ing to get mc а book- 
incidenta 


t who was t 


ly. was а woman so 
ugly 1 wouldn't have kissed her if she 
were the last wom: the world. Sone- 
how Honey got her name, traced her 
number and called up her husband. 
She introduced. herself and told him 
“Ies not my husband's. fault, he's very 
weakaninded," Therefore, his wife was 
to blame, and he probably knew she 
was a патр, but if he wanted her “in 
one piece” for himself when his turn 
came, she'd better keep her hands oll 
me! 


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The funny thing was that the secre- 
tary had been giving her hus 
kinds of hell for che: 
It really created а lot of confusion. He 
was very sympathetic to Honey and in 
vited her over to hear the whole story. 
When she went over there, he was half- 
looped and made some pr 
vances, figuring that they would console 
cach other, and she was struggling with 
him when his wife walked in. 

Honey came home with her blouse 
ripped and her lipstick smeared, and I 
really gave her hell 


ing u 


strong, ad- 


The next day 1 “made” the stores on 
Lincoln Road. Honcy happened to be 
in one of the shoc stores and heard me 
give the manager n h. After that, 
she believed. me. ve me a check 
for $100, which was considerably less 
than the average, but, after all, he 
never been raped. 


One afte 


noon as 1 left a big house 
on Palm Island with 5250 in cash warm- 
ing my pocket, | beheld 
made my heart stop just as it did that 
day so many y go when my father 
ked in on me while I was strol 
\ cop on a motorcycle pulled up to the 
curb, Kicked the prop stick im place, 
and s Г talk to you for a 
moment, Father?” 

“Yes, my son 

He was a g тап with 
a polite but straightforward. approach 
“We've had complaints from. residents 
in this area concerning soliciting. Из 
just a mater of form, but 1 have to 
ask to s 

“Permit? 

“Yes, your permi 

“Ой, yes, my permit... 
ашин 


E 


what is it? 


пісе you 


our permit.” 


oh, yes... 


He just stared and repeated: 
your ретті 

“Gracious, let's see, did Brother Leon 
take care of that matter? I know 1 spoke 
to the Cardinal about it after Mass...” 

1 kept mumbling until my voice was 
choked off by the sight of a squad car 
cru down the block, ]t stopped 


‘Yes, 


about 20 yards from us, and the police 
inside the car motioned to the motor 
суде cop in a g er. He 


walked over and exchanged а few words 
there not 


with them. while 1 stood 
knowing what to do. 

“Hey, you! C'meie! You! Hey! Get 
the hell over here!” 

1 looked all around me as if I could 
not believe that anyone could possibly 
address me in that tone of voice. 

The officer in the car got out. 1 don't 
think I have ever seen such а huge man, 
before or since, Не was about. 60 years 
old, must have weighed about 250 
pounds, and was easily six feet, eight 


inches tall. White hair, crew-cut, Not 


one ounce of fat. 

Just then another car came wheeling 
wound the corner and slammed up right 
» front of us. It was a stripped-down 
1951 Ford. Obviously two. plain-ctothes 
men 

Paul Bunyan walked over to them and 
coul d 
torcycles blasted up. their sirens sere: 
" 


By this tim 


ed wi yay four more mo. 


ill the people were роц 


ing out of their homes. Within 10 min- 
ues there were four police cars. six 
cycles. and three kids yelli 


while rolling in the dirt. 
onc had said a word to me since 
Hey, you 

They just stood oll 


few 


eyel me with a sort of tike-him-dead-or- 
alive look. 

The giant spoke his line a 
yout 

I attempted 10 preserve my dignity 
in front. of my parishioners, who were 
watch 


anxiously 


"You heard пи 
out of your c 


Jack, take the shit 


Those past few days. sippi from 
bone china with ladies and nibbli 
Ry-Krisp and watercress, had made 

e feel quite pions. 1 actually shocked 


myself when Th 
h: UE see nor 
my so 


d my voice come out 
эп to use vulearit 


wi 


Two elderly ladies came to n 
shaking their fists at. the giants hip 
pockets: He actually apologized to them 
for bis outburst. bur when Е looked at 
benevolent forgiveness, he got 
1 


my 


Il ov 


hot 
T edged over behind the old ladies. 


et iu the car.” he commanded. One 

old lady got so frantic she had her prayer 
beads skipping around as il she were 
not going to let them take 

Father" said опе benefactress. 


ey belong t0 Satan's 
An olhcer tried. to grab my arm but. 
of the plucky old dolls came up with 
purse which must have had noth 
less d brick im dto becaus 


my 


Е 


knocked him squarely on his bute 
а relex, the sergeant came up а 
kicked the old wom the ass, not 


Do- 


hard, but hard enou 
berman pinscher bounding 
out of nowhere, Tn retal 
a good piece out of th 
It wasn't long before 
sirens, and soon enough we were drawn 
up in battle Imes. On one side were about 
50 policemen, ра 
guns, riot-quelling equipme 
lire depaitmi 
to screw the fire hose ошо the 
ut. 
the other side of No Ma and E 
held my rmy ol elderly 
ladies and our K9 Corps, Brutus the 


serge 
поте 


idy wagons, targas 
wd the 
t. whose men were begi 


n- 


ound with my 


Doberman. 

Although we were no more th 
feet apart. the captain in charge picked 
up one of those electric speakers you 


25 


sce in prison pictures, where the war- 
den always says, "Give up, Dutch, we 
have you surrounded!” 


Red Cross 
out hot collec to 


My айй had. formed a 
unit and were passi 
the ranks. 

The mechanical voice 
the megaphone. “This is Captain Gold- 
man! Give up now and по one will be 
hurt! You will be given fair ircitment, 
whether you are a priest or not! We just 
want to take you down for questi 
I yo 
will surrender. yourself. a 
mob the teu 
we will use 

Т looke 
swelled. 
the younge 
stood at 


boomed over 


have any Christian feelings. you 
ıd spare this 
h 


ıs and fire hose wi 
they do not disperse 
y forces and my he 


There were nearly 50 women 


of their leade 

Everything was orderly and disciplined 
except the kids. There were dozens of 
them yelling 7 Bang!” "Гав Hop- 


aloi 


Cassidy! 
they rolled over in the dir 
impression of a genuine skirmish. 
But my ladies stood fast. 1 like women 
in that age bracket, because they're the 
only ones who still wear rouge. 1 looked 


creating the 


sadly at my шоор and said, “E had 
better 

A cracked cracker voice in back of 
me spoke up determinedly. “I you 
don't want to, were behind you. Fa 


And 1 heard the dick of what 
ded like... and to my amazement, 
пасей... she had cocked the 
ch of a strous looking clephant 


mou 


E 
We 


behind vou." another cried. 
And she started to hum, then all joined 
п brave when He walks 


halen 
The police stood across the way 
gaped. dumbfounded. 
For crazy mome 
“How nice. Honey and 1 will move 
hborhood and 1 will be the 


ad 


1 thought. 
to 


one 


seconds!” The voice 
loud-speaker. The la- 


“You have tet 
boomed over Un 


can't meet like this anymore, darling — 
Billy is asking question. 


p 


243 


PLAYBOY 


“What's a girl like you doing in 


a nice place like this... ? 


dics pressed together around me in a 
solid phalanx. Brutus pricked up his 
cars. “One . . . two...” E saw the fire 
men ready the hose. 

"Beat vour swords into plowshares.” 
ny, raising my hand in peace, 
d walked away from my blue-haired 
talion toward the enemy. 
The captain whispered i 
“Don't make any dramatic 
those biddies or ГЇ crease your 
with this club.” 
xitement to the 
path of righteousness, my son.” | as 
sured him. 

They took me in the squad car. In- 
stead of going directly 10 the police 
ion, we pulled up Catholic 
church. The captin intended to 
assure himself that D was a fraud before 
they booked me, The Monsignor came 
ош. We spoke for halfan-hou 

The arrest report describes the result 
ob that meeting: D was booked on a 


my car: 
stures to 


head 


violence is not 


E 


charge of vagrancy. 
They searched. my hotel room, found 
the charter of the Brother Mathias 


Foundation, and realized that everything 
ıs in order. They wired New York to 
ıd out if 1 was wanted there. When 1 
ie up ck sed me. 

t the v 1 was found 


an 


In cou 


244 not guilty. 


The law had taken a close look at me 
nd recognized my occupation а 
mate. It was Easy Street. from now on. 
1 went home and counted my receipts. 
T had collected about 58000 in three 
d 


legiti- 


T made out a check for 52500 to the 
lepers and kept the vest. for operat 
expenses: it would take a lot of gas t0 
get us to Pittsburgh. 


Са 


My vision n 


hematically calculated. 


way signs. 
(101 plus 42 is 148) 
Peripherally I read the impersonal di- 
rections: TRUCK ROUTE: DETOUR: GO SLOW; 
scuooL zoxr. Did the guys who had 
painted those signs wonder where they 
would be placed? 


How tragically шом of 
these signs are m. aimed in 
prisons, perhaps by Ше termers who 


would never have the opportun 
their handiwork in “action. 
How swect and truly Christian it 
iste 


ty to sec 


would be il every priest. m 
rabbi would be responsible for a lifer 
and take him out lor just one day so 
he could see his artwork on a sí 
perhaps on a license plate 
to say to himself: “E made 
one day out of his cage. 
Goddamn the priests and the rabbis, 


Goddamn the popes and all their hy- 
ростіѕу. Goddamn Israel and its bond 
drives, What influence did they exert to 
ve the lives of the Rosenbergs—guilty 
or not? Again, the Ten Commandments 
doesn't say “Thou Shalt Not Kill Some- 


times, 202 2 

So the pope has his secreta 
atement about not executing Ches: 
man, What is that With the tremen- 
dous power of the Church I don't believe 
they could not have exerted pressure 
enough to get him oll if they had r 
wanted to. But they didn't. He w 
agnostic, He did not ask lor forziv 
He might have had a chance if he hadn't 
been so stupid as to continue c 
he was innocent. 

Why don't religious institutions use 
their influence to relieve human suffer- 
stead of sponsoring such i 
Legion of Decency, which dares 
to say that it's indecent that men should 
watch some heavy-titted Talian starlet 
because to them breasts are dirty? 

Beautiful, sweet, tend 
ts that I love to kiss: pink 
that P love to feel agai 
shaven face, "They re cl 

Why doesn't the Legion of. Decency 
tmen should stand 
sas adminis- 
death cham- 


y issue a 


ngs 


nly 
pples 


‚коша 
bre 


dean- 


my 


The answer ause in their 
losophy life is not as important a 
death. If death and the imminence of 
death serves the purpose of bringing a 
person to his knees before the Church, 
then it is worth using as a positive m- 
stument of propagating the faith. The 
Church therefore condones capital pun- 
ishme 

They went a long way toward reli 


its methods themselves during the Cru- 
sades and the Inquisition. 
Of course 1 disagree with them and 


of course they 1 
tever they do; all I want is for them 
to come out and admit it and stop 
i actimonious bulls which say one 
thing while they pursue the opposite 


right to believe 


ve 


su- 


The Burma-Shave sig 
and suddenly Pittsbu ne up and 
yelled "Boo!" as the broke. It 
looked so dramatic, the city in the dawn, 
that 1 felt a twinge іп the pit of my 
1 don't know exactly what 
y cit that time of day 
es me the feeling 1 used to get when 
1 swallowed the contents of a Вес 
drine inhaler and chased it with Coke 
It really was “The Pause that Refreshe: 
ss P feel funny about the city 
Christ, 1 


s whizzed past 


stomach. 


is, but 


because it’s so big and alon 


hate bi 1 was always alone 
when 1 was а 
Piusbur all alone, too. Like a 


All men want just one thing... 


М 


pajamas and robes 


for Christmas! 


Nylon tricot coat-style pajamas with contrasting piping. $12.95 
Matching nylon tricot shawl collar robe, piping trim. — $10.95 
At fine stores only. 

Nearly every man and boy wears something by Munsingwear, Inc., 
Minneapolis, Minnesota 


245 


PLAYBOY 


246 


tough Polish kid with a homemade 
haircut, cap, knickers, and a broken 
tooth. 


Honey and I checked into the Milner 
Hotel. 

Those Milner Hotel rooms were beau- 
ағы, with high ceilings and fake fm 
places and the mirrored pictures with 
the flamingo bird. “A Dollar а Day and 
servicemen Welcome." 

We always got a special rate for a 
double, There was no toilet in the room 
—it was at the end of the hall— but 
there was a sink in the room. Needle: 
to say, I never washed my face i 

The thing 1 especially liked about 
Milner Hotels is that they always had 
real pillows with chicken feathers іп 
them. ] hate those foam-rubber pil- 
lows. You can’t bend them over. They 
keep bounding up. Nothing is more ob- 
scene to me than a foamaubber pillow 
covered with a clear plastic polyethylene 
even more so when it starts 
brown; it looks like the burnt 
ass in a potbellied stove. 

I'm probably the only one who ever 
really looks at the mattress im hotels, 
‘There always seems to be a brown stain 
around one button, I've never stained 
ny of these mattresses, and I've asked 
lot of people who are very truthful 
10 inhibitions, and they've told 
y either, There 
as these m: 


zippi 
to tur 


and 
ne they never stained 
must be some guy who к 
before they leave the factory. 
the mattress and 
then 1 double-locked Ше door. Honey 
had the dopiest thing about always mak- 
ing sure the door was locked. 1 used to 
tell her, "What the hell, Im in the 
room. nobody is going to bother you." 
But she would go through the whole 
ual of going outside the door, hi 
me lock it from the inside and n 
sure no one could get in. 

I used to really put her on. When 
she was locked out I'd start screaming 
and yelling to he tied the door. 
v! Leave me you horny 
ct Im 


tresses 
I finished exam! 


I can't do it 
ney gets еті 
т elevator. She hates anything loud, 


all sore, 


өше lady, she 
woman 1 have 


gets me hotter than. any 
ever known, When [ 
ly let her back in the room, she 
was angry, so we made up. 

Later we decided to get the rest of 
our stuff out of the саг. To my con- 
stermation, the was gone. Stolen? 
The audacity! I had a sign on the wind- 
shield which clearly read: сансу, What 
a si — stealing а holy automobile! 
Should 1 call the police? No. 1 would 
I headquarters. “Hello, operator, give 
me Rome — IVMLV." 

Honey, being more 


car 


carth-bound. than 


I, hustled me off in a cab in the direc- 
tion of the Car Pound. She noticed that 
we had been parked the wrong way on 
a one-way street on the No Parki 
side during а rush. hour in front of a 
fireplug. 

e rode alor 
naturalred 1 
esed my 
took her in my 
in the ba 


‚ the wind blew her 
ross me so that 


neck and shoulders. 1 
rms: it was so luxurious, 
Mr. 
1 


as if D wer 
is own d 
held Honey tight. Every part of her wa 
warm and sensual. She always dressed 
crisply and smelled clean. 1 don't know 
how long we had been parked in front. 

Pound when the driver 
summoned up “Ahem” and 
pointed to the meter, which was still 
running. 


teu 


brief lesson 
шаце 
lieve i 

I never unde: 
posed to mean. “Don't you hi 
signs?” Suppose you say, "No, 1 don't 
believe in signs; Will they let. you g 
because in this country we're 
teed freedom of belief? No man is to be 
forced to believe in something that goes 
inst the grain of his conscience. 
Һас right, officer, 1 don't believe i 
signs.” "Very well, brother, go in p 

Anyway, we paid the and 
the car out. 

It was the black 1951 Chevy convert- 
ible that we had bought on time. Th 
such a cute way to put it, the impl 
tion being that you don't really have to 


» morality, “Whats the 
with you people — don't you be- 
м2 


ace. 
got 


pay money, you just sort of adopt it for 


a ound, and it's 


le while, keep 
yours. 

1 recently found my financial records 
and looked up the figures. There was 
no record on the Chevy, but the Cadil- 
lac 1 bought right after it originally cost 
only 5161 a month. I took а loan on it 
aud had it refinanced to payments. of 
S63 а week. It was new when I bought 
it in 1951, and when I sold it in 1957 — 
still making payments of $294 a month 
-І still owed $1200 on it. I got only 
$900 for it and | 10 scrounge around 
to make up the difference of $300 in 
order to мау out of debtors prison for 
the right to ride the bus. 


Honey and I were on a tight bud, 
in 1951— 517 for Sû for in 
surance, 51 for the L mat, rough- 
dried and folded. 1 s always a 
bis problem. Hoi 
when the baby came 
would be de 


rocerie: 


laundry bill 
and we could save a 
Jot of money by gett her-dryer 
combination which was advertised by 
the appliance store for only a dollar 
down "on time.” That's all she could 
scc: "ИУ only costing us a dollar, the 


our 


Laundioi 
of $20 a n 


at is ра the rest.” Instead 
mth to the Laundroni 


t, we 


521.06 to the appliance store. We 
vere going to save what would other- 
wise have been "doubled" when the 
baby cimu 

I knew intuitively that it was а mîs 
take. But Honey always had а way of 
explaining things to me so that it looked 
as if the store was taking a big screw- 


2 We took advantage of more stores 
— it’s a wonder they're still in bus 


less. 


% л MONTH 
о GIMMICKS 


JUST 51 DOWN .. . ONLY 
NO MIDDEN CHARGES . 


And they were telling the truth, Your 
only investment was а dollar — that is, 
if you were willing to use your washi 
machine in their store. They wanted 536 
for trucking charges to deliv 
“Are you kidding — $36? T] get a 
couple of the guys, we'll have it out of 
a minute...” 
first мер ін exploiting 


your 


first. 


шу, what's happe 
“Noth just hangin 
the pad here. 
“Listen, you want to have some kicks? 
y Drew album and Joe 
and he 
good. When will you be ov 
nutes? Oh, wait a minute, I got à 
I've got to talk soft 
Honey is in the kitchen, 1 saw а nuus- 
looking chick in this downtown store 
alling freak. And I hit on 
her and she's а nut for bass players, so 
] told her that Fd bring you over. Itll 
be perfect: | cin sneak out оп Honey 
because I've got to go over there anyway 
to pick up something." 
his operation is quite successful with 


the average satyr who is always “ready.” 
The girkin-question has always con 
veniently taken the day oll when you get 
there, and after your friend recovers 
from the disappointment of the vanish- 
ing phantom lady, you march him to 
Appliances. 

1 shared his second shock. It was a 
big white monster that was desi 


“wash in one cycle. Di у 
was q ful machine. lı could 
do everything but get through the god- 
mned door. 
“A lile this wi 


y now, casy now, easy new, god- 
"Oh-oh, one sure thing, we 
can't take it back now." “Well, we're 


lucky it’s just scratched. in the back.” 
OF course, there are always hallway 
superintendents that hit you just when 


you are in the worst position, when 
you're going down the stairs with it, One 


guy's fingers are slipping, amd it has 
your shoulder pinned st the fire 
extinguisher, and you have to go to the 


bathroom in the worst way —and he 


“Deck the halls with boughs of holly, tra-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la . . .. 


247 


PLAYBOY 


248 


hits you with encouraging words like 
Are you guys kidding? You'll never 


And there is stil one guy who asks, 
“You 2" And would you be- 
lieve it, D invariably reach for one. 

With the help of a young. willing 
kid we got the machine into the streci 
Young boys are sincerely godli 
tiude. kid will always help. I 
th 


ion is for adult 
t it is that 


cept 


ice, and the sw 
you know it's never profit. motivation, 
because when you go to give them some 
money, they always say in a shy, awk- 
ward manner, “No, that’s all right, Mis- 
icr" And when you force it on them, 
they're quite emt 
What happens to sweet, willing young 


set part ab 


arrassed. 


boys? What happens to all of us? We 
never мор anymore and say, "Can I 
help you, Miste 

My n friend had a 1940 Pon- 
tiac а the washer-dryer 
just fit in the back seat. The edge of the 
machine pushed the driver's scat. close 
into the wheel, leaving my friend pushed 
tightly against the wheel. As we drove 
along, he looked very intense because of 
m drivers look, hu 


convertible. 


as rac 


g the wheel, 


We were talking and laughing about 
the dirty trick 1 had pulled on him, but 
the conversation stopped at every bump 
and I would just hear whoosh, as the 
machine inadvertently served as an arti- 
ficial respirator. 

We got to the house, and the car 


“As your hostesses, Miss Cratzmyer and I would like to 
welcome you aboard Trans-America’s new supercolossal 
extraspecial luxury flight number 347.” 


couldn't make the steep driveway. 
we had to lift the machine out of the 
carry it 60 feet were 
g it. P thought this would be a 
great torture device to give to the Secret 


car and As we 


туй 


Service. 

The landlord looked on apologeti- 
cally, and then said, "I would like to 
help you" — he was one of those guys— 
“but, you know, I'm not supposed to lift 


al coup de gràce whieh 1 had 
icipated with fear now became a те 
the kitchen door was too small. 
ш that no one 


ality 
But you still keep d 
would design a product that couldn't fit 


through au average door 

We finally got it through th 
room door, By this time, my thu 
and my index Medi 
ncan blue. My friend's back would never 
be the same. 

We set the machine down with а 
thump on the living-room floor, takin 
a breather before we attempted to lug 
it into the kitchen, It was such a cute 
іше kitchen. The house was really a 
cute little house. A cute Іше ginger 
bread kitchen with a cute little door, 
six feet high by two-and-a-half [cet wide 
Now I don't care who you are — eve 
you're the mover who did William Rin- 
dolph Hearst's San Simeon job — yo 
not going to get a wash ryer, four feet 
high by four feet wide, through that 
door 

Well, what the hell, a lot of people 
тооп 

They also have pigs and chickens, but 
they're Indians, and they live in Mex 
co. Thats it, goddamnit, the majority 
rules. If I were a Mexican or an In- 
dian, and all our neighbors were Mexi- 
or Indians, we'd think nothing of 
the washer-dryer in ој 


те 


have washer-dryers in their liv 


living 


As 1 sit with a glum look on my face, 
wondering whether we ought to move 
to Mexico with the washer-dn Hor 
started. in with, "What the hell arc you 
grouchy about? Boy, you take the 
fun out of everything. 1 have to sit here 
all day by myself, and you've been gone 
three hours." 

Yeah, thats it. Fm just selfish. Manny 
and 1, weve just having all that. fun, 
ig our fingers and putting our 
backs out of whack. But 1 even 
would go into these things with Honey 
1 just thanked her, grateful for the 
laughs she gave me. 

We couldn't decide where to put the 
washerdryer: perhaps next to the soi 
or better vet in a corner, since the living 


so 


smash 


never 


room was a little overcrowded anyway. 
Honey considered making а collee table 
out of it, but then we would have to 
build up all the couches and с 


course, we could have made a "colfee 
counter" out of it. 

But what the hell, we were saving 
money. Luckily, we hadn't sent the 
weekly саг payment in yet, because it 
cost that much plus SIO to have the 
plumber come in and connect the ma- 
chine. 

It really looked wild . . . those two 
big. long black hoses going out of the 
living-room window into the ул... 
like the laborztory where Frankenstein's 
monster was born. 

Everything worked finc, until the 
neighbors started. watering the lawn. Tt 
had something to do with the pressure 


ng hose in his hand with just a 
Ме con out, 

got the plumber I 
fixing and pipe changing. Now 
could do the washing, and the 
rd could water the lawn—but sud- 
denly his wife screamed ош the win- 
dow: "The toilet won't flush!” 

Whenever anyone flushed the toilet, 
you couldn't wash clothes y the 
lawn. Which worked pretty good, ex- 
pt for those of us who had problems 
sause of early toilet taining and suf- 
fered Irom anal repressions. since it was 
necessary to yell at the top of your hu 
"I'm going to the bathroom! Stop w 
ing and watering!” Then you could flush 
the toilet. 

For th of us who found this an- 
nouncement too traumatic, there were 
proxy uncers, E learned. also, that 
the landlord, who was quite a timid 
soul, was using the facilities next door 
The dopey dryer part of the machine 
s gasoperated, and it had a pilot 
t that kept going out. The pilot was 
t on the bottom, өле inch trom the 
floor, so you couldn't see it, you had to 
feel it. You had to reach in with your 
fingers, press down a button and light 
: then you had to hold it for 
30 seconds till it took. I don't 
know what kind of matches the inventor 
hine used, but in 30 seconds, 
tches / used always burned. my 
18-- or else, because of the fact 
э carry a bit of a draft, 
the matches burned out ii seconds 
ante 
guarantees, it only 
The particular part that 
me trouble cost 38 cents, but 
to 
e it cost $26. Te wasn't bad enough 


ck to do some 


D 


the son-oba-bitch who had to coni 
repla 
that P had been exploited by the de- 
partment store, but now a mechanic, too. 

That's something which has alw 
bugged me. Radios, automobiles, what- 
ever — you're really at the mercy of the 
repairman, because when they look 
"there" and. throw a lot of mec 
terms at you, you really feel li 


is out in the 
YG-IT 80сс engine is not 
just window dressing. Or the -speed gearbox. You'll feel good about not 
ing backroad ruts and bumps (it's a smooth operator on a hunting or 
fishing trip). Right now this tiger is a rare breed. If you see one, don't just 
window-shop, Buy it. You'll be getting the jump on others who may have 


a month or so. A Т 
YAMAHA f = 


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“THE Shirt is $5.95" 
“which shirt?” 


“THE Shirt! 
It's miracle fibre 


DURALENE® 
100% POLYESTER 
TRICOT? 

"what is?” 


“THE Shirt! (gasp) by 
BARDON" 


“Who? 


“It's absolutely drip dry. 
Never needs ironing?” 


“соз” 
“So, it's about 1 the price 
of the other one?" 


BARDON 
сай 


1133 $. Los Angeles St,» Los Angeles 15, Calif. 


THE Shirt comes in long 
sleeves @ $5.95 and short 
sleeves @ $4.95. Write for the 
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249 


PLAYBOY 


250 


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idiot. It's the same with a broken watch. 
When the guy tells you that you need 
a new blah-blah-blah, сап vou say, 
“Why, that blah-blah-blah is in. perfect 
condition. 

Maybe some day ГИ write а Manual 
of Stingmanship. We will contain. one 
completely esoteric reference to apply 
to each mechanical device the average 
guy owns, so that the repairman will as- 
sume that you're a genius and that you 
know twice as much as he docs. 

For example: You take your radio in 


to be repaired. Before the guy wn- 
screws the back, you say: “I don't know 
what the hell it is— those new low 
impedence oscu a't had « 


the filtration pow t the old X72103 
set had. Га check it out myself, but I've 
got to rip down that damned radar in- 
stallation 1 put up last month in the 
Radon Valley." 

After vou give the repairman your 
me amd address leave immediately. 
belore he h 
this radio or DA 
you're like 1 am, you would 
the Manual would contain 
one or two good sent 
appliance. 


now. All 
would be 
es for every 


1 wonder where that washer-dryer is 


mure must be 30 years old, 1 know 
that the couple who fast bought it loved 


it dearly and shared. many personal cx- 
pericnees with it, Probably it was al- 
y there in the house at the arrival 


of their firstborn. It probably held the 
formula for all their childr 

And then what? Sokl. Perhaps to some 
uy who had a Boat, Dock and Fishing 
Equipment Shack 
zs. Jello and leftover sj 
replaced. by frozen bi 
beer. 


ads in а Used Appliances 
You've seen th 5 
h maybe 50 or 60 refrigerators, old 
and new, with descriptiuns өсі 
them in black с 


tit Cond," “Beauty, Clear 
“Repossessed.” 

Are they happy there, all the refrig, 
ators together? Do they talk to the ga 


stoves? Are electric stoves snobs? 


There they are. ап army of rc 
ators, expensive ones and budget jobs, 
rich and poor. If one of them were 


socialistically minded, he might indeed 
зау, "Some of us are old and some are 
quite modem with тоюш ways and 
automatic cube dispensers, but while we 
are here, we all the same... because 
we're all defrosted.” 

Living from one crazy disaster to an- 
er, Honey and I were always 1 


Thank you, 
darling, A Understandably. 


but Im not the The eggnog, though not without its virtues, is not over- 
whelmingly original or exceptionally exotic. 
eggnog type 


And some people do prefer a drink with a little more flair. 
А drink, perhaps, like Kahlua. 


And there's nothing like Kahliia but КаМйа. Simply because 
it tastes so great straight and on the rocks and in cocktails 
and desserts that it has become the largest selling coffee 
liqueur in the whole wide world and the subject of an 
incredibly informative recipe book that is yours for the 
asking and is sold (Kehlüa, not the recipe book!) during 
the holiday season in the good-looking gift package that is 
shown below. 


Which would seem to be reason enough for anybody. 


Even eggnog types. 


АП types of holiday guests will like 
i THE KAHLUA NOG 


Add 1 jigger of Kahlüa to one serving of 
eggnog. Serve with a sly smile. 


HLÛ 


Coffee Liqueur J from Sunny Mexico 


UWIUTE RAIN" FORMAL SHIRT-DRESS BY TRAVILLA JULES BERMAN © A550C., INC., 9025 WILSHIRE BLVD.. BEVERLY HILLS. CALIF. - KAHLUA 53 PROOF 


PLAYEOY 


252 


ing, kidding, teasing, loving each other. 
Nothing could really hurt cither of us 
because we were always together, and 
when one of us was down the other 
would pick the both of us up. 

I had never enjoyed sleeping as much 
as when I slept with Honey. She just 
seemed to fit so nice, and I would really 
sleep soundly. It was funny, because 
when we first got married, I had never 
slept. with woman before, 1 had 
made plenty of women, but I had 
ver slept with one. I was fairly pro- 
miscuous, but I y home 
[ter" so it took me awhile to get 
used to sleeping with someone. I re- 
member, about the second week of our 
marriage, Honey was heartbroken be- 
cause I asked for room with twin 
le by little, 1 got used 
to sleeping with her, and after a while 
1 couldn't sleep without he 

1 was like that kid in Peanuts with his 
dopey blanket, 

Honey was the most ticklish person 
n the world. АП I had to do was look 
at her and say, “I'm going to tickle 
you now, I'm going to give you the 
worst tickling you've ever had," and 
she would really get giggly. I would just 


went 


beds. But 


have to touch her side, and she'd laugh 
to her 


so hard the tears would come 
eyes. 

She really made me laugh 
all kinds of bits for me, 


she could sit on it. Whi 
down, some women are so catty that 
they come up to her — in a hotel lobby, 


theater — 


a shopping market, a movit 


ıd say, “Oh, what lovely hair you 
have!" — and. then they always touch it 
па give іше yank; Honey wised 


me up as to their motivation — some 
women wear things called "switches," 
thit fit 


by which device they can make their 
air look about a foot longer than it 


really is. 1 had never seen anyone with 
Honey's: to hear others 
of 


80 percent the 
n the world had ha that 
long. but they just cut it last week. "Oh, 
when I see your hair that long, 1 could 
just shoot myself. My hair was just as 
long as that, and 1 cut it, like а damn 
fool.” 

I P were depressed, Honey would 

even use her hair to try to cheer me ир 
— tickling me with it or making a 
mustache out of it. 
We were driving happily along the 
gh, as silly as a couple 
of kids, sitting squeezed up tight to one 
nother, deliciously in love, and laugh- 
about my plans for the Brother Ma- 
thias Foundation. 

We approached an intersection and 
came to а stop. Jt was dusk, There was 
rge truck а block-and-a-half away, 
ng along at about 40 miles an 
hour. Î saw that we had plenty of time 
and nosed out to ke it across. But 
I pulled out an old Packard tou 
car whipped around the truck, pi 
it at breakneck speed. It was а conver 
tible—as it came on us I could see 
the sudden terror in the driver's eyes. 


though, 


“Forget 


it, man — I don't want to sing along with you!” 


He involunta 


ly screamed, “Ма! 

I felt a rough substance со: 
my lips It was cement, I 
thrown out of the car, and my mouth 
bit into the pavement, the curb con- 
necting with my head with the thud of 
a coconut cracking. 1 found out later 
that my skull had been fractured, but 
I stood up immediately with that. super- 
human strength which people always 
have when "My life w еа by 
Eveready flashlight batteries. 
о my horror I saw the Packard ram- 
ng my car down the street, The seats 
с empty and both doors flapped like 
al wings of death. | saw the 
back wheels go over Hon 
body. 1 heard her e the 
sound of a Chinese fortune cookie. The 
next moment the truck, coming behind 


inst 
been 


had 


the Packard, also ran over her. 
I raced to her and threw myself upon 
her. 1 felt something warm and wet, 


nd 
looked down. It was her intestines. Оһ, 
my sweet wonderful baby, my wife, 
every combination of everything, my 
mistress, my high pricstess, І love her 
much, please God let this only be a 
nighunare. 

Her face was gray and there were 
puddles of blood around her. 1 yelled, 
“Oh God, why are you punishing her for 
my sins, why? 

1 kissed her cold face and shouted into 
her ears, “I love you, uke me with 
you!" I prayed and cried and wished 
lor death, and all at once 1 realized 
in the center of a huge circle of 
people. I looked up into the faces of 
the crowd that had gathered and I knew 
1 had been punished. 

I sit on the curb and wept as the 
siren of the ambulance became louder. 

“Oh, dear God, how ashamed I am, 
not med of 
that I e fallen into the mold which 
1 despise. 1 am the image of the men I 
hate, the debauched degenerate that all 
who only in last resort find 
ion. How shallow you think 
те. God. for surely if I were your God, 
I would say “To hell with him. When he 
needs me, then he prays. But when he 
doesn't need me I never hear from him, 
1 cannot say | am sorry that | posed 
as a priest, but 1 can tell you this, 
if you let Honey live I'll rip up the 
charter and never do it again." 

Four months later, Honey took her 
first step. The doctor said that with 
nd rest, she would 
normal posture and health 


we м 


ash but. ashamed 


ust 


a ye 
nked God silently. 

Thus ended the career that might 
have dwarfed those of Billy Graham 
and Oral Roberts and all the other 
evangelists who save. Save every 


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PLAYBOY 


254 


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The only hangup now is, 1 wonder if 


God is a man or woman, or what color 
He is. Since the Bible could not be read 


if it weren't for printin: d the Chi 
se people were smart enough to invent 
printing, God must be yellow, What 
would His son's name be? Jesus Wor 
Or W Fat Chiist? "Yea, I sav to thee 
vellilee.” I know t I 
nese because hey killed nuns at Pearl 
Harbor. 

“Well.” the theologians say, “I don't 
believe that God is a person. God is 
within me." Then He's a cancer, and all 
those scientists who want to cut Him 
out must hate God. 

Or perhaps God is a transvestite who 
practices voodoo — the Father, the Son 
the Holy Ghost. And I'm confused about 
the direction of Heaven. Its not up 
there, because the carth revolves, and 
sometimes you go to Hell at 8:30, and. 

0%. 
ns’ God had na 


at God is not Japa 


Heaven at 1 
The Rom 


ght to do 


Christianity; Rameses was the son of 
God. and he balled everybody in the 
kingdom including Moses’ mother 

And Jehov 
lantic City during the busy season and 
couldn't get any rooms. What is the 
answer? There is no God. Dominus non 
sequitur, 

Certainly оп an intellectual level 1 


Witnesses came to At 


cannot buy the mysticism attached to 
any man-made religious object, whether 
it be the mezuzah nailed to the door 
sill —at least if they'd make it func 
tional and put a chain on it, you could 
use it for a lock and kiss it at the same 


time — ог the white plastic statues. that 
ther Gregory from Louisi 
manufactured, the proceeds of which go 
to building segregated Catholic schools 
—ihey cm m 


statues functional, too, by tying them in 


па has 


those white plastic 
electronically with the bumper and the 
windshield wiper, so that when you do 
someone in, vou can sive him the last 
rites and baptize him at the same time. 


With the money that Honey and 1 
got from the accident, we be 
Cadillac — a black four-door, really chic 
job that cost 51017. We drove to Ar- 
cadia, California, to sec my father, who 
had remarried. We were goin 


ц а new 


Hollywood — “where my dather is 


and then Honey would really get into 
the movies. Му father wasn’t really ii 
volved with the motion-picture industry: 
in fact what he was really involved with 
was a chicken farm, 

We worked on the farm for two 
months. It was like being back with the 


Denglers. P really put the place into 
shape. Honey did the canning: 

Then my father and E bad a beef, and 
we left. We couldn't get jobs. California 
is a weird place— you've got to. get 
booked from New York 

Until Honey and I started. “winging” 
into а higher income 


that is, gettin 
bracket — we always bought secondhand 
stoves and refrigerators. You could get 
ı stove for about S33 and a refrigerator 
for about 575. When we were living on 
the Coast, Û knew she wanted a new re 
tor. but I couldn't. afford it. 

At that time, T was working a bur 
lesque club, and there was a TV pro- 
ducer Irom the show. Your Mystery Mrs.. 
who was а regular customer. Like most 
ioni tion Гог 
watching the strippers. “The ave 
vou kidding? Those old bags! I go to sec 
the comedians! 

This was in part truc. Somehow these 
guys have the misconception that the 


voyeurs, he needed a à 


emcees can бх them up with the girls 
But the request — "Will you fix me up 
with soandso?" —is preposterous. un- 
lessa girl isan outand-out hooker, which 
strippers are not: otherwise they would 


be hookers, not strippers. 


OF couse, there are some people who 
sell themselves for money. That “some” 
constitutes 90 percent of the people Гуе 
known in my life. including myself, We 
all sell out some. part of us 

Any [9yearold girl who is married to 
a wealthy, elderly guy well. never 


mind that — just anyone who is married 
for security is а hooker. Two dollars for 
а short time, as opposed to a marriage 
license and a dot of two dollars for a 


longer t 

The point is that women. unlike men, 
cannot be “fixed up." With the excep 
tion of a hooker, you can’t go up to any 
girl and say. “How about doing it with 
my friend?" For women to make it, there 
lis to be a love motivation. or at least 


а chemistry that passes as love. 

On the other hand, men are animals. 
ke it with mud. dogs, 
ny guy who has been 
ugh to spend time 


institution, or a place where men are 
deprived of women, Many of these men 
will practice homosexuality, never to re- 
turn to that pattern upon release, 
Попкайу, the way homosexuals are 
punished in this country is by throwing 
them into jail with other 
I remember one of the funniest news- 
paper shicha Гуе ever read was about 
this case in Miami. Judge Albert Saper 


пуз 30 days in the county 


nen. 


stein 
jail — i 
lor kissing cach other and dancing in 
one saloon or another on Alton. Road. 
He told them in court, "E realize that 
this is a medical problem, but I have to 


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PLAYBOY 


256 


set a precedent at the beginning of the 
season,” 

You can do it all you want in March, 
but don't do it in February. 


Before I go any further, I had better 
explain what kind of show Your Mystery 
тз. was... 

ANNOUNCER: In 1031, today's Mystery 
Mrs. lost her family in a mine explosion. 
Bravely she went on alone and through 
years of selfteaching and discipline, 
she was able to support herself, Where 


other women, used to the support of a 
husband, would live off the charity of 
relatives, your Mystery Mrs. studied day 


wonderful job. She is an ush- 
erene at the Roxy The: 
One night last month, in the Іше of 


duty, showing two people to their seats, 
she tipped and fell and has been in- 
capacitated ever since. She has been too 
proud to accept any help. Our show 
heard about this plucky widow and de- 
cided to do something. There aren't 
many plucky widows, folks. How many 
of you out there сап 
plucky widow? How many widows can 
say in all honesty, "I'm plucky!” 

(АШ the widows in the audience stand 
up and say “Tm plucky!”) 

ANNOUNCER: Our Mystery Mrs. has al- 
ways dreamed of having her own set of 
matched luggage. We're going to make 
that dream come true. And our Mystery 
Mrs. в... (Organ fanfare . .. 
pans to Mystery Mrs., 
ence) .. . You, Mrs. Ralph Whoozis from 
Alberta, Kansas! 


y you know 


camera 


seated in audi- 


Mrs. Whoozis docs her “surprise” take 
— sometimes referred t0 in the business 
take. 
are several accepted methods of creating 
expressions for the surprise. One is to 
dench the fist of the left hand. simul- 
tincously drop the lower jaw, and in 
а split second bring up the left side 
of the other clenched fist so that the in 
dex finger lands between the teeth. ші 
viduals who have seen a few neorealistic 
lian films, where the “wronged” 
bites the index finger in anger, usually 
do well with this 

The announcer waves both wrists 
limply but speedily to encourage ap 
plause. Mrs. Whoozis takes her luggage 
after shedding a few tears on the un 
breakable, unscuflable, unfashionable 
тар they give her—and housewives at 


as the “Docs he mean т There 


home sigh and identify. 

Now, when the producer of this show 
was drooling at his favorite. stripper, 
I never dreamed diat a time would come 
when I would be involved with а My: 
tery Mis. “You know. Lenny. you 
pretty creative guy,” he said one night, 
having corralled me backstage, “becau: 
every time 1 come іп here you've got 
с new material. You know, I'm pretty 
a . too. 1 don't like to blow my 
own horn. but Em a brilliant. writer. 
The shame of it is, nobody knows.” 

"How's that?" I asked, looking at him 
as onc looks at a desperate man standing 
on a ledge 

"Lenny. did you see Your Mystery Mrs. 
yesterday? 

“Hardly. It goes on at nine o'clock in 
the morning.” 

"| had on a widow that not only lost 
three sons in the War, but two husbands. 
And she's a blood donor. We got more 
telephone calls on this show than on any 
one we've had i reks. People from. 
all over. Some furrier from the Bronx is 
going to send her a full-length. sheared- 
beaver coat to keep her warm. The pitch 
. she has given so much blood that 
now, by some strange quirk, she has low 
blood pressure. 

"Атал id. 1 always say that 
when Į don't know what the hell else 
to say. When I don't say “amazing,” I 
switch off with “Boy, some people.” or 
sometimes an "I don't believe you." An- 
other good. phrase is “С 
that?" If the talker is bitch: 
ing exploited, the best one for that is. 
"It seems some people, the better you 
treat them, the worse they are to you 
Or, “Tt just doesn’t pay to be nice to 
people.” 

Alter I gave out with two "Hmms" 
and а “That's one for the book,” the 
producer laid it on me: "They eat it 
ир, Lenny. you wouldn't believe it, but 


еа 


E 


ativ 


two м 


believe 


they cat it up. The cornier it is, the 
mor 


they cat it up. 
y Lenny? Are you ready 
It's all bullshit, ya hear me? Bullshit 
capital K. I write it. Me — poor 
stupid me — is Ше one that makes 

ıd makes ‘em cry, 1 make it 


all up!" 
"You know who that plucky little 


widow is? She's a waitress I met when I 
was in the Air Force. | bumped into her 


in a dancehall last week — now, mind 
you, 1 "t seen her in over, Тесу see, 
the War was over in 1945, 1 came back 


to L.A., why, it's 
— aud I sa 


азу fourteen years 
If, "Now I know that 


broad from somewhere Then it hits 
me. She's ‘Go Down Gussie.’ This broad 
was the greatest French job on the West 


Coast. Loved it. Couldn't get enough of 
it, 1 said, “Hey, remember that place 
where you used to wait on ше? She 


looked at me for a minute and couldn't 
place me. E didn't have the toupee then 
and I guess I look different without it. 

His toupee was the kind which had 
Jace in the front that looks like a screen 
door cut ош. and he always had it on a 
little crooked. 1 don't kuow who it could 
have fooled — maybe passed-out. drunks 
or little babies. When he sweated, it used 
to curl up in the front. 

Anyway, he continued: "We shot the 
for a while and then I told her what 
doing and asked her if she would 
like to be a plucky widow next week 
‘What's in it lor me? she says. ‘Nine 
inches.’ I says. ‘Always braggin’, ain't ya? 
she says. T says, "Lets go up to your 
apartment and fix some grub, I'm 
starved.’ She says. ^I don't think I got 
anything in the icebox.” 

Of all this degenerate flack he was 
throwing at my ears, the one thing that 
hit me was her icebox. How sad — the 
х again. I wondered where she got 
jccbox. Maybe it was one of those 
builtin iceboxes that Pullman kitchens 
have. Hookers’ iceboxes always look the 
оке, maybe 
n that is blooming 
with those long sprouts. 

The producer went on and on. de- 
scribing in lewd deta had 
a. The poor There's 
mple of how one minority group 
1a whole nation an erotic repu 
ation. It could easily have been another 
county, and he could just as well have 
said "She Polacked mı 


how she 


ench. 


He explained that the “widows” 
or “grandmas” or “havea-ye: 
were all people who could be trusted — 


friends of his or the other writer for the 
show. or people those friends sent. They 
could ha their choice of two deals: 
One, € a straight 550 and he would 
keep the prizes; or, two, il it was the 
"Basket Case" (the act which had the 
mos dramatic impact), you would get 
550 and split the prizes. The big prizes 
were a color-TV set, а washing machine, 
a set of silver. and an air-condition 
unit —all of which they got [ree from 
the distributors in exchange for plugs. 
“You need anything, Lenny? Any ap- 
е 
“Well, I could use a new reh 
юг...” 
"You got ii 
“L don't think Td make а very con- 
vincing plucky widow. 
"Look, Lenny, if you can get me an 
old lady about 60 years old that you 
trust for next Wednesday. the mach 
is yours. And, let's see .. . er—if you 
сап get me — yeah, that's it, get me a 
60-year-old lady and her wedding pic- 
ture, get the weddi 
you can so Т can 
have il 


pl 


soon as 
t it to the lab and 
blown up, and ГЇЇ give you a 


picture a 


script Monday. 

“She doesn't have to remember much. 
I never give them more than a few lines: 
“I only wish the Mister was alive to see 
this!’ Or, “Му boy is coming home from 
the Veterans Hospital, and this TV set 
i п the world 


so. Len. ГИ see you 
Wednesday at the ofice, Here's my card. 
Bring the wedding pic. I'd like to stay 


and see Princess Talj 
You know what they s 
BO. ya gotta go." 

I've never known who the hell “they” 
are, but ГИ bet they belong to the Amer- 
egion. have very white skin with 
ie legs, and wear Jockey shorts, 
and black shiny dress shoes with black 


but ] gotta go. 
when ya gotta 


that she was 
pretty friendly with, and she called her 
on the phone and explained in Vidd 
she was to do. She said "Nix," but 
she had a friend who was a real vilda chi 


(wild one). She said this woman was per- 
fect, she spoke very good English, etc. 


1 went over and met Mrs, Stillman. 
The woman was about 70 but looked 
hed-blonde hair, full 
makeup, апа platform shoes — the high- 
est Fd ever seen, about 10 inches. With 
the platforms, she was about four fect 
tall. Some Jewish ladies look like little 
birdies to me. 

I flipped when she showed me the 
sheet music she brought over. She was 
going to be on ТҮ, so she was going to 
sing. She had all of the Sholom Secunda 


hits (he is the Yip Harburg of Second 
Avenue). 
She said she also knew a few stories, 


but maybe they were a little shmutsik lor 
TV. When I told her that the program 
wasn't exactly that type of format, sh 
was visibly shaken. I was alraid I w 
going to lose her, so I started to pad — 
"But then, after you tell them about 
your isooris maybe you'll sing your 
song." That made her happy. I figured 
after she told the stor 
her off into à room and give her à qu 
con about overtime. The song she was 
planning to sing was Dells Mine Schlate- 
tala Beli 

She gave me her wedding pictur 
I got it over to the office. Tt was p 
А real old tintype. The story was going 
to be a real basket case: 

Miss Whooris was a spinster who 
searched her whole lile for the ре 
fect man. She has always been Tonel 
nd unhappy. Two months ago, on a 
boat from Greece, came a man who w 
her ideal type. They met at Horn & H. 
dar's Cafeteria, by the silverware sec- 
tion. He was confused by some of the 
food, the chow mein in particular. They 
met every day 


as 


1 would s 


nd 
fect. 


love, but sad- 257 


PLAYBOY 


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ness struck our happy couple. 

scorge Polous was unemployed and 
the Immigration Department. was going 
10 send him back, But he 1 lot of 
ney coming to him, if only he can 
nd his Uncle Nicholas who has $7000 
of his inheritance. This is a wedding 
picture of Uncle Nicholas and his wife. 
Your Mystery Mrs. did a great deal of re 
search and was saddened to discover that 
George's Uncle Nichols had passed 
away. But his wife was alive, and his 
wile had the money put away for 
George." 

And guess who the aunt w 
be, boys s— that Tittle Jewish 
bird lady. m iend. Her wedding 

icture would be s on a TV screen. 
There was Mr. Nicholas Polous 
in their wedd 
Mrs. Stillman. 

It was two days 
when Mis. Stillman called me and asked 
me to come over immediately. It w 
about the show. On the way over, 1 fig 
ed the worst. Maybe she wa 
in back of her when she was singing. 

She looked pleasant as she sat me 


5 a 


ad Mr 
g picture — alias Mr. and 


from the show 


ture. "Mr. Bruc nt you should feel 
very relaxed efter all, you and 
I boat know things about life." 

1 thought to myself, Christ, who is go- 
ing to believe this Hebrew National is 
а Greek? Well, maybe they would intro- 


duce her as a symbol of brotherhood. 


honest cheatir 
"Oh?" 1 5 
supposed to be a refrigerator-freezer 
i washing machine and a 

going to get the re 
tor. she would get $50, and the producer 
eı the rest of the prize 
“Don cct tricky wid me, Sonny. 
“Tricky? What the hell are you getti 


nd dollars, that’s what I'm 
зец 1 talked to my son in West 
Chester dis mornin’, end 1 told him to 
watch me on the telewision, He sed to 
“I'm so heppy for you, Momma, how 
much are you getting? I told him $50. 
Vell, he's lel d, I said, “Ol 
a comedian," He says, ‘Momma, you 
in de world. people 
ше of you.’ Well, 
Bruce, people hev 
ne Benny out of 


that is the wut, M 
ys made a good 


wa 


me 
“He told mc i 
lived. downstairs fron 


ley Beck, who 
s when we lived 
— was it | 


ant in June, 
was on the 
Groucho Mars show and got $1000, and 


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N 


“There's nothing quite so heartwarming to see as 
the merger of three giant corporations.” 


Mr. Bruce, $1000 is not 850.” 
man — 51000 
ize that if this 
hands, 
our country could be in great danger? 
Now, look, І don't know what you're 
trying to prove, but gonsa geschikta” — 
which means “the whole thing"; it’s al- 
ways good to throw in a couple of Yid- 
dish words when you're debating with 
a member of the older generation — “is 
for our refrigerator, which I need, 
that’s the reason I'm getting you on the 
show. And for doing this for me, І want 
to give you 550 пот my own pocket. 
The rest of the prizes are а wash 
chine and а TV set that the produc 
wants for letting me get you on the show 
in the first place. Now, 1 don't know 
where any thousand dollars is going to 
come from, 

Vell dat's your he: 


che already. 
I'm not doing it for a penny less than 
$1000." 

1 left her house а beaten man. I'm 
such an impulsive nut that as soon as 1 
bout getting the refrigerato: 
ad promised ours to a couple who 
had just be ied, and they were 
so happy about it. . .. | told Honey the 
bad news. She said, “That's all ri 
Daddy, the old one is plenty good 
Yes, but | promised to give it a 
and 1 can't disappoint these people. 

"Why do you have to use Mrs, Still- 
2 Get another woman, 

Of course! It still wa 
was supposed to brit 


d 


t too late. I 
Mrs. Stillman 
down to the studio for her to n her 


260 release the next day. Honey knew a 


woman of about 60 who made most of 
the strip wardrobe for the girls. She was 
very good-natured. We called her on the 
phone and she was perfect. 

The only slight problem was that they 
had the wedding picture of 
1 blown up ten feet high by 
four [cet wide: and Mrs. McNamara, the 
seamstress, was about five fect, nine 
inches tall and weighed 160 pounds. 

I briefed her, and then we met the 
producer. “This is Mrs. Stillman,” I sa 
“ош 
Well, she doesn't look too much like 
her wedding picture. How the hell tall 
is her husband?" 

‘Oh, he was a big m: 
out missing а і 


And th 
best friends, a 
broke, and he to make 
some bread in a recording session, but 
he needed 550 to get his alto out of hock. 
It came to me in a flash. 

1, "your mother's goi 
1 S50." 


»xophone pl He was 


had a chan 


to 


spent it on wine.” Joe's mother was the 
sweetest, bestmatured woman I've ever 
met, but she did like her Napa Valley. 

I explained the TV deal to Joe, and 
he called his mother and then called me 
k, saying that it would be a perfect 
I. Joe's mother would be Mrs. Mc 
ara, posing next to Mrs, Stillman's 
picture, who supposed to be Mrs. 
Polous. who was going to give to her 
Greek nephew, who was to be 


deported, $7000 that she had been saving 
for him ever since his Uncle Nicholas 


ge and his Horn & 
t could be married, 
and I would get my refr tor, and 


could have S5 for wine 
(which I gave to her as an advance), Joc 
could € his 550 to get his alto out of 
hock, and the producer could go straight 
to jail if anything went wrong. 

At 8:30 on the morning of the show, 
Joes mother and 1 met the usher as 
we had been directed to do, and he sat 
her in a special seat, with me next to 
her. The people who were going to be 
“surprised” always had to be 
the right seats so that the cameraman 
knew where to pick them out. 

Luckily, the producer of Your Mystery 
Mrs. came late, and when he saw Joe's 
mother sitting next to me, clutching 
her brown paper bag twisted into the 
definite shape of a wine botde (and 
she really was boxed — T had never seen 
her so drunk — and just think, she'd. be 
on television in 10 minutes, һе kept 
staring at her with a what-the-hellam.1- 
Josing-my-mind-is-that-the-same-woman- 
who-wasup-in-my-oflice? look. 

Before the program started, a 
up masier of ceremonies told some dis- 
gusting water-closethumor jokes. Then 
he explained about the applause. And 
then the show was on: 

"Somewhere in this fruitful 1 
there is а soul that needs a helpi 
hand . . „ and we present, with love 
and kisses (Organ fanfare.) ... Your Mys- 
tery Mrs." 

The first act was a light, what they 
call humorous, bit. Four men wi on- 
stage ack of a rig with their pants 
rolled up to their knees, so that you 
could see only their legs. If this woman 
could pick her husband's legs, she and 
her husband could win a round trip to 
Holland to attend her father's func 

1 heard а strange sound and my heart 
stopped, Joe's mother was snoring. I 
© her a good pinch and brought her 
ош of it. When the announcer sa 
“And lucky you, Mrs Nicholas 
Polo 
in t 


Joe's moth 


ed in 


os 


nd, 


brown 
ad on 
up there, please. Don't forget, you're 
not doing this for Joc's alto but for 
my icebo; 

It took her two ycars to get up to the 
stage. 

The emcee observed very quickly that 
his next guest was drunk. "Mrs. Polous 
ly a brave woman, folks. She 


ist doctor's orders 
here. I" Ломи to help I 
got the audience's sympathy, 
his quick thinking turned. round. one 
into a winner. 


They flashed the wedding picture on 
the screen, and you would have had to 
he blind not to have seen that was 
not Mrs. Polous. There 
difference of about 80 
h dillerence you might buy: people 
do lose and gain weight. But they don't 
grow seven inches. Mrs. Stillman was a 
Title tiny woman. Joe's mother was even 
bigger than Mrs. Me 

But when they flashed the picture о 
all the women in the audience g 
of those “Oh, isn't that sweet 
The uncer reminisced about the 
wonderful Tife that Mr. and Mrs, Polou 
had shared. and how brave she was, and 
how he knew that she was comforted by 
the memories of her Tate husband. 

And all Joe's mother kept saying was, 
“Yeah, he was a hell of a mai 
The emcee didit quite believe what he 
id head the first time, and he sort of 
ed to cover up. but she kept saying 
it: “Yeah, he was a hell of a man!" He 
sensed she was going to go into a stream 
of profanity, and when 1 looked up in- 
side the glass booth, 1 saw the producer 
мапи down at me, nodding his head. 


was a weight 
pounds — 


slowly and mechanically. 
AI ol a sudden E saw a cue card that 
the audience saw, OO: “GET TO THE PRIZES 


ANI 


6 HELL ovr!” This cer- 
inly confused the studio audience. А 
brave woman like that, who had just 
gotten out of the hospital? Is that the 
хау you talk about her? Get to the prizes 
nd get her the hell ой? 
Aud a beautiful. refrigerator 

i doubledeep freczer compartment 


ronrk rur 


with 


will be sent to your home. 

The show was over, and I hustled 
Joc's mother iuto а cab, after she insisted 
Î go back and get her the wine she had 
left under her seat. 

1 came home with a bottle of cham 
pagne and (wo hollow-stemmed glasses. 
Honey loved that kind of glass, and she 
loved champagne. She was standing in 
the doorway with an Tvegoth 
look on her face. 

What's the 

“I just got a call from guess who— 
Mas. Stillman, Her son ін New York 
watched the show and saw her picture 
being used. He called. his lawyer 
they're suing for invasion of privacy 
they did. But every 
turned out ОК. I got the refrigerator, 
Joe got his alto, his mother got her wit 
ана Mrs. Stillman sealed out of court. 
wurally, though, the producer lost 
his job. I felt sort of bad about that, bat 
h he was producing a show 
{ as the Your Mystery Mrs, 


-news 


matter, sweetheart" 


And suc 


soon enou 
туйс " 
package, And this one is still rum 
still. successful. 

Ml of which gocs to prove the old 
c. "You Can't Keep a Good Crook 
Down ..." 


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cá — À— қ 
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a 


"OK, 


said, 


се to strip. 
t. no. 1 don't want you to 
o back to stripping!” 

Well, Fl just go stripping for two 
weeks, and thavil be it. ҒИ play Las 
Vegas.” 

The thing was just to get enough 
money to make payments on the c 
$120 a month. I had it all figured out. 
room for seven dol 
tan ad in the paper: LENNY 
ER— LET ME EDGE, CLEAN AND MOW 
YOUR LAWN FOR $6.00, 

And I lived, just for the hell of it, on 

cenis 


ME 


1 had Honcy's picture up and flowers in 
the window of my room, just like a 
shrine. 

I had never been separated from her 
before, and I just couldn't wait for the 
two weeks of stripping in Vegas to end. 
But the night she was supposed to 
come home, she called up and said she 
had a chance to s 


over for two exti 


weeks. 
“Are vou kiddi 
I begged and b 
she s 


Come home.” 


riage. | started eatin; 
ore a 
really hu 


more crap and 
p. 1 was a complete slave. 1 was 


ap on he 


Eventually, Honey and I were to get 
divorced. 


I finally had some and got rid of 


k 


king up and goi 


together isistence, She was always 
better at holding out. 


you 


After break up and go back 
ain enough times. you get hip to one 
thing: the time of day you break up is 
very important. If you run away in the 
middle of the night, here's no place 
You 
in а 


friends u 
really 


to g an't w 
and small town 
screwed. 11% best to break up on your 
day off, in the alternoon. You get out 
and you go to the movies. Otherwise, 
like a schmuck, you're standing on the 
lawn at three o'dock 
ı a pillowcase full of clothi 
door locked behind you. 

That's when you're not proud t 
you've “lived next door to someone for 
15 years and didn't even know their 
name." 

When I got divorced, а couple of 
sked me, 


Ж 


you're 


1 the 


mor 


magazines, like Time 
five years later, that dumb questie 


“What happened to your пы 


І 


figured I would throw a real stock line 
and they would ki s putting 
them on and they would cool it. 
What happened to my marriag 
was broken up by my mother-in-kuw.” 

And the reporter laughed — “Mother 
ha, what happened 
My wife came home carly from work 
one day 
gether.” 
In bed — that's. perverse. 
“Why? Bt was her mother, not min 


ow Tow 


It 


in-law, | 


ad she found us in bed 1o- 


getting divorced, it 
bout an hour's worth of ma 


One thing about 
ne 

That's not bad for an eighty 

investment. 

But I didn't know how screwed up I 
was over Honey until one night she 
came into the club where I was working 
and sat ringside with some guy 


1 coni 
pletely fell apart, and was able to do 
only a nine-minute show. 


Guess who 1 saw today, my dear... 


Four years of working in clubs that’s 
what really made it for mec every 
night: doing it. doing it, doing it. de 
it, getting bored and doing it different 
ways, no pressure on you, and all the 
other comedians are drunken bums who 
don't show up, so 1 could uy anything. 

The jazz musicians liked me. 1 w 
the only hippy around. Because 1 w 


уз. 


young, other people started to work the 
same clubs for nothing, just to hi 

the way you do when you're vo 
Hedy Lamarr would come to see me 


work, and Ernie Kovacs. Every joint I 
worked, ГА start to get a following. 
"You should get out of this plic 


1 would be told. 


“you're too good [or 
these shithouses.” But 1 knew | wasn’t 
r 1 was still t in terms 
of "hits" — you know, “Гус got my so 
amd-so bit, and I've got this other bit. 
Гус got two complete shows.” 

Then, after a while, instead of just 
getting material together, little by little 
it started happening. Fd just 
with no bits. 


ady уе 


но out 


"Hey, how come you d 
bits that. show 
Well, anything 
twice.” 


wt do any 


is a bit if 1 do 


And 1 really started to becom 
man, where 1 could just about 
ture anything into humor 

Up until 1957, 1 bad never gotten any 


стай 


struc: 


writeups. 1 had worked all these bur- 
the 


loque cubs, where had 


hey just 


ads for the club — the names of the g 


in the show, and then on the bottom 


they ha 


Lenny Bruce, Master of Ceremonies 
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Now, when 1 went to San Francisco 
1 stopped working these burlesque dubs 
and I worked the so-called straight clubs, 
such as Ann's 440, where 1 would be 
the only act. 

I hadn't realized till then how much 
material E had. because here was a place 
where 1 wasn't just emcecing between 
15 strippers. | could just wheel and 
deal for hours and hours. And Ше same 
people started coming every nig id 
there was always something dillerent, 
and it would really drive them nuts. 1 
had а whole bagful of tricks, which I'd 
developed in the burlesque dubs. 

There w ready this "in" kind of 
thing with all these musicians who had 
heard of me, but the controversy that 
actually did. lets say, "make" me was 
the bit 1 did called “Religions, Inc. 


1 had gotten a job as a writer at 20th 


Century-Fox. They were working on a 
picture called The Rocket Man, and 
Buddy Hackett told them, "Lenny's 


very good, he's funny and be can create 
and everything. Why don’t you let him 
have а crack at it?" 

So they told me to read the sc 
the weekend 

The average writer knocks ош 15-20 
pages a day. I went and did about 150 
pages over the weekend and 1 came 
back and really impressed the hell out 
of them. They changed the whole theme 
of the picture. 

The story about these kids 
an orphan asylum. It was just a cute 
іше picture. Nothing unusual. I added 
to it — there was а Captain Talay who 
had a space show for kids. He goes to 
the orphan asylum and he gives the 
kids all these And Georgie Wins- 
low is the last kid he secs, and he doesn't 
have a toy left for him, and so the 
kid is really sad. But then a space gun 
appears — Рєйсилеил 

Georgie Winslow starts using this 
gun—like when a cars going to run 
over him — Pehewwwww! — he stops the 
car. And u was the whole dillerent 
twist 1 gave the picture: the magic 
space gun. 

They gave me a contract and D was so 
proud. My God. a writer at 20th Century- 
Кох! Mv own secretary! Man, I just 
couldn't believe it. It was one of the 
most thrilling things in my life, because 
all the other things that have happened 
to me have happened. gradually. 

Anyway. I wanted to produce my own 
picture, At the time I was sort of swept 
up with the story of € 
beautiful man— and the picture I had 
in mind was about a handicapped bum 
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just wanted to get enough. money to- 
gether to buy the jacket. 

There was to be a scene in the pic- 
ture where he was really disappointed 
and his hand was caught in the door 
and had to be all wrapped up in a band- 
we, and he was struggling with his suit 
сазе... and he passes this statue of 
Christ. [t's a beautiful statue, It, doesn't 
show Christ being crucified: it shows him 
very stately, on top of the world, stand 
ing there, and he's King of Kings. 

The shot was to be this: 1 walk up 

to the statue, pass it, look back. g 
at it for a while, There are some [low 
сїз on the ground at the foot of this 
ball which is the earth. I pick up the 
flowers. T can just about reach His tocs, 
and I put the flowers at His feet, and 
then I just sort of fall on the globe, 
embracing it. When we go back to a 
long shot, showing my arms outstretched 
while Fm falli there, it looks like a 
cross. 
Now 1 had searched and searched for 
statue of Christ. I took me two days 
to find the right one. I found it outside 
in this big churchyard. on Melrose and 
Vine Sucets in Hollywood 

I still had a concept of priests which 
stemmed from all the Pat O'Brien mov- 
ies. You know: you're in trouble, they 
just come and comfort you 

Well, I couldn't get to talk to one 
of them 

So I went directly to the headquar 
ters, on Alvarado Street, the center 
where all these different priests go. 

At the rectory, I got this kind of an- 
swer: “H's not my parish." 

They'd all close their windows, and 
they wouldn't even talk to me. True, 1 
was dressed as a bum, beca 
ing the picture, but still. .. . They just 
wouldn't talk to me 

Finally — and this part didn’t actually 
happen, but I made a joke out of it on 
the stage that night — I said: ^I tried 10 
find а statue of Christ today, and I tried 
to talk to priests, and no one would 
talk to me, but 1 finally got a chance 
to talk to one, and he sold me а chance 
on a Plymouth.” 

That was the first joke I ever did on 
religion. It was only а joke, but it really 
related to the rejection and disappoint 
ment I had felt that afternoon 

Then came the extension on that. The 
abstraction was: “The Dodge-Plymouth 
dealers had a convention, and they raf 
fled oll a 1958 Catholic Church.” 

And that was the  beginnir 
Religions, Inc.: 


se I was do: 


And now we go to the headquar- 
ters of Religions, Inc, where the 
Dodge-Plymouth dealers have just 
had their annual 
have just given away a 1958 Catho- 
lic Church. And seated around the 


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265 


PLAYBOY 


266 


desk on Madison Avenue sit the re- 
ligious leaders of our country 


We hear one of them. He's ad- 
dressing the tight litle group in 
Liuletown, Connecticut (Madison 


Ау is getting a little trite). 
"Well, as you know. this year 
ic-in with Oldsmobile. 
Шетен, I don’t expect any 
of you boys to get out there in the 
pulpit and hard-sell an automobile. 
hat is ridiculous. But I was ihi 

now, What do you say to th 
If just every once in a while, if we'd 
throw in a few little terms, just lit- 
Ue things like. uh, ‘Drive the car 
that He'd drive — and you know, 
you don't have to lay it on, just zing 
it in there once in a while and thi 


k- 


np maybe to the Philistines, 
“Gentlemen, as far as merchandis 
possibilities are concerned this 
year, the rabbi, here, has come up 
with a winner. For 519 a gross, the 
genuine Jewish star, lucky cross and 
igarette с combined, turn it 
over in the snow and sce Rosebud. 
And for the kids, the Kiss Me In 


The Dark Mezuzah — really a win- 


"Now, here we go with our first 
speaker tonight, one of the great 


Holy Rollers America today 
a great man, gentlemen, and а great 


Holy Roller 

“Wall, thank you verry much. 
Gentlemen, 
Is it thrill 


jor the tec 
Шеше 
because to 
night. for the first time in seven 
years, Em talking to men ol the in 
dusty. For dhe first time in seven 
years. gentlemen, Tm not goi 
look into one sweaty free, not one 
thick red neck, genileni : 


Ordinarily, an openi small dub 
and Ans 440 was a damned small 
club — would get no m 
But when I opened there, the press got 


wind of it, and E really blew the town 


Hefner heard. about me, and 
to San Fr 
wed for me to come to CI 


and work at The Cloister. They offered 


isco to hear me 


"My God, is our husband!” 


me 5600, but 1 had been working Av 
110 on a percentage and getting У 
а week (not bad alter coming from a 
room where 1 was ng S90), зо 1 
asked for 5800 ac The Cloister, and if 
they held me over, 1 would get S1250 
а week. 

Recently — five years later = 1 was 
rested at The Gate of Hom in 
lor y^ But 
riety, “. . . the prose 
equally concerned with Bruce's indict- 
ments of organized religion as he is 
wilh the more obvious sexual content 
ol the comics из possible that 
Bruce's comments. on the Catholic 
Church. have hit sensitive nerves in Chi- 
cago s. Catholicoriented. adw ration 
and police department. . 

And actually 1 had praised the 
lic Church. 

Remember the freak shows — the alli- 
gator lady and the guy who could type- 
write with his toes? The irony is that 
the generation now that is really of 
fended by “sick humor” — talking about 
people that are deformed — they re. the 
generation diat bought tickets to sec the 
freaks: Zip & Pip. the oniomhead boy, 
Lolly А Lulu i 
looking freaks. 

Now. dig the dillerence between the 
eration today and my father's gene 
tion. These young people today. the 
oncs who going to hell in a 1 
ket" they're really better Christians and 
more spirit] than that last, perverse 
generation, because this new generation 
not only rejected but doesnt support 
freak attractions — that’s not. their en- 
ц итеш rick — they like rock "i 
roll as opposed to the freak shows. Bu 
thank God for. the Catholic Church. 
there'll still be freaks — the thalidomide 
babies — they'll grow up and get а good 
ticin with Barnum & Bailey. 


cordin 


mor ds 


who- 


all these terrible, 1 


re- 


ге “р 


“А 

Why do they call you 

“Do vou mind being 
comic?” 

lı is impossible to label me. I develop. 
on the average. four minutes of new 
тишет] a night, constantly growing and 
changing my ройи of view: Lam heinously 
guilty of the paradoxes 1 ахай in our 
society 

Ihe reason for the label 
the Lick of creativity among jour 


you a sick comic? 


sick comic? 
called а sick. 


sick comic" is 
ists 


a Vhere is a comedy actor I 
England with a definite Chaplinese 
quality. “Mr. Guinness, do you mind 
called а Chaplinesyue comic? 
There is à new comedian by the name of 
Peter Sellers who las a de c Guinness- 
esque quality. "Mr. Sellers, why do th 
say you have a Guinnessesque quality? 

The motivation of the interviewer isnot 
10 get a terse, accurate answer, but rather 


id critics. 


bc 


ey 


to write an interesting, slanted article 
within the boundaries of the editorial 
outlook of his particular publication, so 
that he will be given the wherewithal 10 
make the payment on his MG. Therefore 
ity by 


this writer prostitutes his integ 
asking questions, the answers to which he 
already has, much like a cook who fol- 
lows a recipe and mixes the ingredients 
properly 

The way I speak, the words with which 
1 relate are more correct. in effect than 
those of a previous pedantic generation 

16 talk about a chick onstage and say, 
"She was a hooker,” an uncontemporary 
person would say, “Lenny Bruce, you are 
coarse and crude. 

“What should 1 have said?” 


“IE you must be specific as to her occu- 
pation, you should say ‘prostitute 

“But wait а minute; shouldn't the 
purpose of a word be to get close to the 
object the user is describing?" 

Yes, and correct English can do this: 
‘hooker’ is incorrect 

“And I say ‘prostitute’ is incorrect 

The word has become too general. He 
prostituted his art. He prostituted the 
very thing he loved. Can he write any- 
more? Not like he used to — he has prosti- 
tuted his work. 

So the word "prostitute" doesn't mean 
anymore what the word “hooker” does. 
If a man were to send out for a 5100 
prostitute, a writer with a beard might 
show up. 


Concomitant with the “sick comic" 
label is the carbon ery, “What happened 
to the healthy comedian who just got up 
there and showed everybody a good time 
and didn't preach, didwt have to resort 
to knocking religion, mocking physical 
handi toilet jokes? 

Yes, what did happen to the wholesome 
trauma of the ‘Thirties aud Forties — the 
honeymoon jokes. concerned. not. only 
with what they did but also with how 
many times they did it: the distorted wed 
ding ni les. supported. visually. by 
the wile vacation-land post cards of 
an elephant with his trunk. searching 
through the opening of a pup tent, and 
other 


and telli 


а woman's head straining ош th 


end, hysterically serem 
— whatever happened to all this whole- 
somencss? 

What happened to the healthy come- 
dian who at least had good taste? . . . Ask 
the comedians who used 10 do the hare 
lip jokes, or the m. jokes "The 
moron who went to the orphans’ picnic.” 
екс. = the. healthy comedians who told 
good-natured religious jokes that found 
Pat and Abie and Rastus outside of Saint 
e all listening to those angels 
harping in stercotype | 

Whatever happened to (ос E. L 
His contribution to comedy consisted of 


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PLAYBOY 


268 


Where the FUN goes... 
there goes a 


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returning Bacchus to his 
with an implicit social message: 
ping to be a swinger and fun to be with, 
s have a glass of booze in your hand: 
if vou don't become 


exei 


you're sure to end up with part live 
Wh 


Lever happened to Henny Yo 
man? He involved himself with a nightly 
psychodrama named Sally, or someti 
Laura. She possessed features not sexually 
but economically ting. Mr. Young 
mans Ugliv led and classified 
diabolic deformities definitively. “Her 
nose was so big that every time she 
sneezed. She was so bowlegged that 
One leg was shorter than 
nd Mr. Youneman’s mutant 
ical harvest [or him, Other 
comedians followed suit with Cockeyed 
Jennies, et aL, until the Ugly Girl 
routines became Classics. 1 assume this 
fondness for atrophy gave the night 
club patron a sense of well-being 

And whatever happened чо 
Lewis? His neorealistic 


E 


Jerry 
npression of the 


Japanese male captured all the subtleti, 
of the Japanese physioguomy. The buck- 


occlusion was caricatured. 10 
surrealistic proportions until the teeth 
matched the blades that extended from 


Ben Hur's chariot. H hung the ab- 


teeth n 


sence of the iris with Coke-bottle-thick 
ti- 


lenses, this с has added to the la 
cal devotion which J stude 
have for the United States, Just ask 
Eisenhower. 

Whatever happened to Milton B 
He brought transvestitism to cham) 
ship bowling and upset a hard-core cul- 
ture of dykes that control the field. From 
Charlie's Aunt and Some Like Ht Hot and 
Milton Berle, the pervert has been taken 
out of Kralft-Ebing: and made into a 
someumes-fun fag. Berle never lost iiis 
sense of duty to the public, though. 
Although he gave homosexuals a peck 
out of the damp cellar of unfavorable 
public opinion, he didn't go all the w 
he left a stigma of menace on his fag — 
h Fw kiw you 
s labeled a "sicknik" by Time 
azine, whose editorial policy still 
humor in a perows physical short 
comings: "Shelley Berman has а face like 
а hastily sculptured di ; The 
healthy comic would never offend 
unless you happen to be 
deal or blind. The proxy vote from pur 
story has not yet been counted. 


panese 


uds 


, bald. skinny, 


1 
do on the coi 


s say I'm working at the Crescen- 
t. There'll be Arlene 
Dahl with some New Wave writer from 
Meicis and on the whole it’s a cooking 
Kind of audience. But TI finish a show. 
and some guy will come up to me and 
say, “I — Em a club owner, and Fd like 
you to work lor Tes a beautiful 
club. You ever work in Milwaukee? Lots 
ol people like you there, and you'll 


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Hy do great, You'll kill "es 
have a lot of fun. Do vou bow 

The only thing is 1 know that i 
those clubs. between Los А 
New York, the people in the 
little older than The most 1 
say go people over 30 or 33 ік 
“Thank vou. Гуе had. enough to eat." 

I get odo Milwaukee. and the rst 
thing that frightens me to death is that 
they've 0 dinner show 
6:30 in the afternoon amd people go 
10 a night club! It's not even dark out 
vet. E doit wanna go in the house, its 
not dark yet. man. U the dinner show 
is held up. irs only because the Jello's 
hot had 

The people look 
never been 10 Milwanke 
1 realire—these are the Grayline Sight- 
seeing Bus Tous belore they leave—this 
is where they five. ‘They're like 40-year 
old chicks with prom gowns on. 


ar but Түс 
before: Then 


They don't laugh. they t heckle, 
they just stare And 
there are walkouts e 


ght. walkouts. The owner says t0 n 
“Well, D never saw you do that reli; 
hit... and those words you use!” The 
che is confused — the desserts. aret 


ous 


шөк 

1 
kids in there, Kids four years 
years old. These kids are in awe of this 
men's room. It’s the first time they've 
ever been in a place their mother isn’t 
allowed in. Not even h 
1 someth 


ЧОТ see 
ld. six 


0 to the men's room. 


even to g 


theres And the kids stay in there for 


ic out of there!" 
. Uh-uh.” 
ping 10 come i get you.” 
you're not in here, 
se everybody's doing. making wet in 
here.” 
In between shows Tm a walker. and 
id nervous, The 
ushion me with his 
entlemen 
the stin of our show, Lenny Brace, who. 
incidentally. is an ех С and, uh, a hell 
of a good perform ada great 
Kidder, ke les all a 


bu iss up here and he doesn’t 


owner decides to 


introducti “Ladies and 


hol si 


mean what he says. He kids about the 
pope and about the Jewish religion, too, 
and the colored people and the white 
people — is all а silly, make-bel 
жо. And he's a hell of a nice 
folks. Hè was at the Veter Hos] 
ı show for the boss. And 
here he is— his mom's out here tonight, 
too, she h m in a couple of 
years — she lives here in town. . .. No 
a joke is a joke, folks? What the 
hell. E wish that youd try to cooperate. 
And whoever has been міскін 
(concluded on page 277) 


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269 


PLAYBOY 


Little Annie, 


GEE, MR. BATTBARTON, 1 
KNOW THE TYPICAL OFFICE 
PARTY 15 SUPPOSED ТО ВЕ 

CAREFREE AND UNINHIBITED, BUT 
ISN'T THIS CARRYING THINGS 
A BIT TOO FAR? 


EY WAS DEAD! NOT THAT THAT CONCERNS OUR 
ADVENTURE, BUT IT'S A GREAT OPENING LINE FOR ANY 
CHRISTMAS STORY. ACTUALLY, EVERYONE IS VERY MUCH 
ALIVE AT THE BEGINNING OF OUR OWN YULETIDE TALE, 
FOR OUR LITTLE ANNIE IS A GUEST AT A TRADITIONAL 
HOLIDAY ОРҒІСЕ PARTY, WHEREIN SHE EXPERIENCES ТН! 
‘WARMTH AND CHEER ОР FRIENDSHIP, KINSHIP, GOOD- 
FELLOWSHIP AND ONE-UPMANSHIP. 


ISN'T IT FANTASTIC, BABY? — MOTHER-HENNED 
THE IDEA MYSELF!— TOOK THE BALL AWAY FROM 
HUCK BUXTON OF "SALES"— WHICH PUTS МЕ ONE-UP. 
ON BUXTON! BUT TO QUOTE BYRON: “ON WITH 
THE DANCE! LET JOY BE UNCONFINED, NO SLEEP 


BATTBARTON ! 
YOU DIDN'T TELL 
ME ANNIE WAS 

HERE! 


MR. BUXTON! SPEAK 
OF THE DEVIL! 


TILL —" GeH-PRUNES! 
РМ NOT GOING TO READ 
ANY MORE POETRY! 


"—BND ALL THAT'S BEST OF DARK AND BRIGHT 
MEET IN HER ASPECT AND HER EYES". РМ 
ONE-UP, BATTEARTON, OLD SPORT! 


GRH-PRUNES! РМ NOT GOING TO 
READ ANY MORE POETRY! 


OH, GOON, BENTON, YOU SILLY 
THING, YOU. IN а MINUTE, I'LL THINK 
YOU'RE JEALOUS! 


STARRY SKIES” 
NET THE 


THAT FUTS YOU ONE-UP ON ME, BUXTON! COME, ANNIE! TIME ТО ME-OH-MY! WHY 100 
LEAVE! REMEMBER, YOU PROMISED TO PLAY HOSTESS AT MY LOOKIT ADVERTISING’S ALL BELIEVE IT'S 
HOLIDAY OPEN HOUSE TONIGHT. PVE INVITED SOME OF YOUR THERE! RIGHT, BUT AFTER ALL, THERE 4 HUCK BUXTON's, 
FRIENDS ТО DROP IN FOR DRINKY- POOS, YOU KNOW, IN ADDITION ~SMOKE ARE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS! À ACCOUNT 

ТО THE VERY BIGGEST AGENCY PEOPLE. BILLOWING -LIKE LIVING!~ HAVING FUN! FILES! 


à 2 Я APPRECIATING ONE'S LEI 
e Б m IHE SURE-TIME ACTIVITY 1 
HIS WHOLE LIFE IS AD- 
VERTISING! ADVERTISING! HE'S SO SILLY 
THE ONLY THING HE ТО BE JEALOUS . 
APPRECIATES IS А GOOD. 
РЕСЕ СЕ AD COPY! 


LET CF ME, YOU SILLY OUT THIS SIOE EXIT, SWEETHEART! (О NEED TO BUT, ме 
DON'T YOU HEAR WHAT THEY'RE SAYING? MY FILES PANIC. HA, HA! IT'S ONLY A SMOULDERING BUNDLE | BATTBARTON — 
OF PLASTIC SWIZZLE STICKS DEFTLY DROPPED INTO | SOMEBODY 
AN EMPTY WASTEBASWET, THAT PUTS ME CNE-UP MIGHT GET 
CN HUCK BUXTON! TRAMPLED! 


IT'S ALL PART OF THE GAME OF ONE- UPMANSHID, 
ANNIE. BUT NOW IT'S OFF TO SCARSDALE IN MY NEW 
BAZUZA X-9. ISN'T SHE A BEAUTY ? LOOK HOW LOW 

SHE RIDES. MAKES YOU FEEL YOU'RE 
RIGHT ON THE GROUND, 


HOW Divine! BUT Wt 
ARE ON THE GROUND! 
THE TIRES ARE FLAT! 


PLAYBOY 


BUT ANNIE, YOU CAN WAIT HERE IN COMPLETE COMFORT 
WHILE | FIX THE FLATS, MY BAZUZA'S FIRST FEATURE IS 
THE TWO EXCLUSIVE BUCKET SEATS. 


Ана! BUT MY GAZZAZA'S FIRST FEATURE 
15 THE ONE EXCLUSIVE BUCKET SEAT! 


ONE-UPMANSHIF, OLD SPORT! =» PVE GOT 
а CAPITAL IDEA, ANNIE! SINCE 1 LIVE NEAR 
BENTON, WHY DON'T I DRIVE YOU OUT IN MY 
NEW GAZZAZA SPECIAL. 


BENTON, YOU SILLY, 

SILLY THING--IN A 

SECOND PLL THINK 
YOU'RE JEALOUS. 


WE'RE OFF! NOTE THE WaY NOTE HOW SHE CORNERS NOTE HOW SHE CLIMBS 
SHE ACCELERATES! THIS COMING OFF THE DRIVE - BACK ONTO THE DRIVE . 
BABY WILL TAKE US WHERE SHE'LL TAKE US WHERE WE ~ SHE'LL TAKE US WHERE 
WE WANT TOGO! WANT TO Go! WE WANT TOGO, ALL RIGHT! 


P^ criminy! THAT was — DECIDED ТО CAB OUT. —DID A LITTLE 
THE LONGEST Way TO WORK WHILE WAITING FOR YOU, ANNIE.— CAN'T 
SCARSDALE, EVER! LOOK! HAVE THE PLACE LOOKING DRAB, CHRISTMAS- 


BENTON'S ALREADY HERE ~AND, WISE ~» LIKE BUXTON'S. 


на! 
CHALK ONE 
UP FOR OLD 
BATTBARTON! 2 


ҮЕ5--1 THOUGHT I'D DO A QUIET TABLEAU THIS YEAR— 


THE SOFT SELL, YOU MIGHT SAY = WREATHS WITH SINGLE, 


LIGHTED CANDLES FLICKERING IN THE DUSK — REAL LIGHTED 


CANDLES, OF COURSE = AND OUT IN THE MOONLIGHT ARE 
SEEN TWO COLD LITTLE WAIFS, SWEETLY SINGING CHRISTMAS 
CAROLS > REAL LITTLE WAIFS, OF COURSE . 


-JUST LET 
ME GET OUT 
CF THIS CAR! 


BENTON, 1AM ALL 
CHOKED UP. YOU ARE 


THE CLEVEREST MAN 


DON'T COMPARE W iF YOU'LL JUST MOVE 
HOUSES, OLD BOY, YOUR KNEE OVER THE 
WHEN 1 HAVEN'T BRAKE, SWEETS, SO'S 
HAD а CHANCE TO ICAN SHIFT THE 
PUT UP MY GEAR LEVER OFF OF 
DECORATIONS — MY LEG ANO GET OUT. 


W KEEP Sinc- 
ING, YOU 
LITTLE RAGA- 
MUFFINS, 


IF YOU RELEASE THE HOOD. 
LEVER, | CAN FREE MY ANKLE AND. 
GET MY FOOT PAST THE CLUTCH — 


JUST WAIT, 


SHALL WE REPAIR TO THE 
YOU BLASTED 


DEN FOR DRINKY- POOS 
SHOW-OFF-JUST ||. waie HE GETS cur OF 


AS SOON AS 1 E 
HO TE HIS EXCLUSNE: BUCKET SEAT, 


THROTTLE BAR 
HOLDING MY 
SHOELACE, 
SO'S | CAN 
SWIVEL THE 
SHIFT OUT OF 
OVERDRIVE 
AND RELEASE 
MY RUDDY LEG, 
PLL SHOW You! 


"ONE- 
UPMANSHIP, 
OLD SPORT!” 


THE MIND, 
THE MUSIC 
BREATHING 
FROM HER 


РАСЕ-" 


AH, THERE WE ARE --HORS 
DOEUVRES READY FOR THE 
GUESTS = A ROARING FIRE 

MUMSY TUCKEO IN ВЕР = 
DRINKY- POOS IN HAND « ARMS 
LOCKED IN A TRADITIONAL TOAST, 
- SHALL | TAKE UP BYRON 

WHERE 1 LEFT OFF WHEN THAT 
CLOD INTERFERED? 


BATTBARTON, “ 
OLD SPORT! 


- CO! 
OUT AND SEE 


‘THE HEART WHOSE SOFTNESS 
B HARMONIZED THE WHOLE-” 


JOLT OLD BATTBARTON 
WITH ~- OBSERVE — 


YOU SILLY, SILLY 


/ AYS ОҒ за 
MISTLETOE, ЩЩ = = JÎ BENTON, YOU! м 
MY SWEET! m E GOING TO REALLY 
THINK YOU'RE JEALOUS. 


гм IANSHIPPED! BY THE GIMMICK -SELL! AND NOW 
О SPITBALL HIM MY ANSWER ТО THE GIMMICK-SELL! I'M GOING 
ШТ - 


WELL | DON'T 
KNOW THAT 1 
APPRECIATE YOUR 
ATTITUDE, MR. 
BATTBARTON 


RUDENESS 
WILL GET 
YOU NO- 
WHERE ! 
= NO- 
WHERE 
INDEE 


үш. 
TEACH HIM 


THIS IS SILLY! 
WHATEVER YOU DO, 
HE'LL JUST DO YOU пт! 


ONE BETTER. ONE- UPMANSHIP 
AND 


THAT PLOY IS- 


PLAYBOY 


NOEL FIDEL 
# МІКІТА, MAO 


ac 
A) = = 


MERRY 
CHRISTMAS, 


SUGARDADDY 
BIGBUCKS BROUGHT 
THE WHOLE GANG OUT 


ИЧ LIMOUSINES! 


MERRY 


" 1 
CHRISTMAS, RUTHIE! сиет 


MERRY CHRISTMAS, DADDY, 
RALPHIE, SOLLY — 


OH, MERRY CHRISTMAS 
TO JUST EVERYBODY Á 
ONE ANDALL! d 


how to talk di 


in the tires outside, hes not funny. 
Now Lenny may kid about narcotics, 
homosexuality, and thi 

And he gets walkou 


rty 


T get off the floor, and a waitress says 
to me, “Listen, there's a couple, they 
want to meet you.” It's a nice couple, 
bout 50 years old. 


The guy asks me, 
You from New York 


Minds 

"I recognized that accent.” And he's 
looking at me, with a sort of searching 
hope in his cy s, and then he says, “Are 
you Jewish? 
Yes." 
"What are you doing in a place like 


ih 


"I'm passing 

He says, "Listen, I know you show 
people eat all that crap on the road. 
2227 (Of course, What did you cat to- 
night? Crap on the road.) And they 
te me to have a nice dinner at their 
house the next day. He writes out the 
address, you know, with the ball-point 
pen on the wet cocktail napkin. 

That night Т go to my hotel — I'm 
staying at the local show-business hotel 
the other show people consist of two peo- 
ple, the guy who runs the movie projec 
tor and another guy who sells Capezio 
ad a little, write a little. 
I finally get to sleep about seven o'clock 
the morning, 
The phone rings at ni 


o'clock. 


“Hello, hello, hello, this is thc 
Sheckners." 

“Who?” 

"The people from last night. We 
didn't wake you up, did w 

“No, 1 always get up at nine in the 
morning. I like to get up about ten 


hours before work so | can brush my 
teeth and get some coffee. It's good you 
iot me up. I probably would have over- 
slept otherwise, 

Listen, why we called you, we м 
to find out what you want to cat.” 


“Oh, anything. I'm not a fussy eater, 
really.” 
І went over there that night, and I 


do eat anything — anything but what 
they bad. Liver. And Brussels sprouts, 
‘That's really а double threat. 

And the conversation was on the level 
of, “Is it true about Liberace?” ‘That's 
all E have to hear, then I really Tay it on: 
“Oh, yeah, they re all queer out there 
Hollywood. All of them. Rin Тіп 
n's a junk 
Then they take you on a tour around 
the house. They bring you into the bed- 
room with the dumb dolls on the bed. 
And what the hell can you tell people 
when they walk you around in their 
house? * "sa very lovely closet; 


(continued. from page 


269) 


thats nice the way the towels are 
folded." They have a piano, with the big 
с doily on top. and the bowl of wax 
fruit. The main function of these pianos 
is to hold an eight.by-ten picture of the 
son in the Army, saluting. “That's 
Morty, he lost а lot of weight.” 

The trouble is, in these towns — M 
waukee; Lima, Ohio— there's. nothing 
else to do, except look at stars. In the 
daytime, you go to the park to sce the 
cannon, and you've had it 

One other thing — you can hang out 
at the Socony Gas Station between shows 
"d get gravel in your shoes. Those 
night attendants really swing. 

"Lemme sce the grease UM go up 


1 say. "Can D uy i 
you'll break it." 
"Can 1 шу on your black leather 


bow tie?” 

"No. Hey, Lenny, you wanna see a 
clean toilet? You been in a lot of service 
ight? Did you ever see one this 


"Its beautiful." 

"Now don't lie to me.” 

"Would 1 lie to you 
like tha 
1 thought you'd like it, be 
know you've seen everything i 
travels d 

“Is gorgeous. In fact, if anyone ever 
to me, ‘Where is there a clean toi- 
let, I've been searching forever,’ I'll s; 
‘Take 101 into 17 up through 50, and 
ГЇЇ just send ‘em right here." 

"You could cat off the floor, right, 
Lenny?" 

“You certainly could.” 

“Want а sandwich?” 

No, thank 

Then I ман fooling around with his 
condom.vending machine. 

You sell many of these here?" 
I don’t know. 
You fill up the thing here?” 

"No, a guy comes around. 

“You wear condoms ever?” 

Yeah. 

“Do you wear them all the time?” 

“No.” 

“Do you have onc on now?" 

"No." 

Well, what do you do if you have 
to tell some chick, 10 put 
condom on now —it's going to kill 
everything.” 

1 ask the gasstation attend. 
put one on. 

Arc you crazy or something 
o, 1 figure it's something to do. 
Well both put condoms on. We'll take 
a picture.” 

Now, get the hell out of here, you 


I 
your 


"Tm goir 


it if сап 


Condoms are 


so dumb. They're sold for the preven- 
tion of love. 


As far d. these 
small towns ab drivers 
ask you where to get laid. Is really a 
ha Every chick 1 meet, the first 
v hit me with is, ook, I don't 
know what kind of a girl you think 1 
m, but I know you show people, you've 
got all those broads down in the dre 
ing room, and they're all ready for you, 
nd I'm not gonna . . . 

“That's а lie, there's 


nobody down 


“Never mind, 1 know you get all you 
want.” 

“Idowu” 

Thats w 


at everybody thinks, but 
there's nobody in the dressing room. 
That's why Frank Sinatra never gets any. 
Its hip not to ball him. “Listen, now. 
they all ball him, Fm not gonna ball 
him." And the poor schmuck really sings 
Ошу the Lonely. . 

It’s a real hang-up, being divorced 
when you're on the road. Suppose it's 
three o'dock in the morning, Tve just 
done the last show, I meet a girl, and 
I like her, and suppose 1 have a record 
Га like her to hear, or | just want to 
talk to her— there's no lust, no 
image there — but because where 1 live 
is a dirty word, 1 can't say to her, 
"Would you come to my hote 

And cvery healthy comedia given 
“motel” such a dirty connotation that I 
couldn't ask my grandmother to go to а 


motel, say 1 want to give her a Guten 
berg Bible at thr mornin 

The next day at two in the alte 
noon, when the Kiwanis Club meets 
there, then “hotel” is clean. But at three 
o'clock in the morning, Jim. . . . Christ, 
where the hell can you live thats clean? 


You can't say hotel to a chick, so you 
try to think, what won't offend? What 


is a dean word to society? What is a 
dean word that won't offend ану 
chick? . 

"Trailer. That's it, trailer. 


"Will you come to my trailer 
“All right, there's nothing dirty about 
lers. Trailers are hunting and fishin; 
and Salem cigarettes. Yes, of course, I'll 
come to your trailer. Whe 

“Inside my hotel room." 

Why can't you just “I want to 
be with you, and hug and kiss you." No, 
it's "Come up while I change my shirt,” 


Or collec. “Let's have a cup of collec." 
In 50 y collec will be another 
dirty word. 


This is the third installment of “How 
to Talk Dirty aud Influence People,” the 
autobiography of Lenny Bruce, Part 
IV will appear next month. 


277 


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IAN FLEMING-—RED SPIES, RARE JEWELS AND BEAUTIFUL WOMEN MIX 
IN A NEW JAMES BOND ADVENTURE—“*PROPERTY OF A LADY” 
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FREDERIC MORTON —ABOUT A CHILDLIKE WOOD CARVER'S BETRAYAL 
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LENNY BRUCE-—CONTINUING HIS CONTENTIOUS AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL 
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YEATES OLD. IMPORTED IÅ BOTTLE FROM CANADA BY HIRAM WALKER HIPORTERY ING., DURO, М Apron alent 


“The Cheshire Cheese?’ іп London, welcomes you 
with history, beefsteak pie and Canadian Club 


Nestled in Fleet Street, this 296-year-old world. Here you will find pie in summer, 
inn, erstwhile haunt of Dickens, Johnson pudding in winter, and, to your added 
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“There is nothing which has yet been con- Why this whisky's universal popularity? 
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"To this very day, the atmosphere is теу- dinner, in tall ones after. Try Canadian | 
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and the Canadian Club at the ready. Wherever you go... Uere il is! 


INTRODUCING THE DEPENDABLES FOR 64 


So will you 


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64 Dodge 


DODGE DIVISION DX] CHRYSLER 


MOTORS CORPORATION