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MARCH 1964 * 75 CENTS 


ENTERTAINMENT FOR МЕУ 48 \ 


GIRLS OF 

RUSSIA 

AND THE Y 

IRON CURTAIN чє 
COUNTRIES ‘ Ма 


Don't Stir Without Noilly Prat 


— 


(ae 
« | 


) 


SN 


\ _/ INVISIBLE TO THE EYE 
cum 

The French — invisible in your gin or 

vodka— but the extra dry flavor of Noilly 

Prat French Vermouth is there to make 

your Dry Martinis really civilized. 


# DELIGHTFULTO THE TASTE 


be Italian —somewhat less than sweet, 
and something more—it's delightfully 
~ Bittersweet! The correct Italian Vermouth, 
for smart Manhattans or on the rocks. 


When you ask for Noilly Prat your |; 
French is perfect—and so is your Italian! | 


IN Ter CUT BRAT TINEORUED MENE MGS UNE 


BROWNE-VINTNERS COMPANY, NEW YORK, NEW YORK. SOLE DISTRIBUTORS FOR THE U.S.A. 


"Suggested retail price rfc tanes. ЗИМУ Higher in West. Look for dealer in Yellew Pages. creas delivery availabe, Slandad-Triomph otor Со. ic, 575 Maton Ave., К.Л. 22, НҮ, Carada: 1463 falten Ave W., Terente 10, Ot. 


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You'd be proud, too.. .1f your name was Spitfire. 
Му can't blame a Spitfire for feeling exuberant. 
It simply outclasses everything in its price league. 


Start one up. You're doing 50 in 
12 swift seconds. Top speed is well over 90. 


Rack-and-pinion steering and the 
smallest turning circle (24 ft.) 

let the Spit fire outmaneuver 

any other car. 


And it’s longer, lower, wider...and faster 
than the competition! More comfortable, too. 


You'll pay a lot more than $2199” before 
you find another sports car with roll-up 
windows, disc brakes, and all round 
independent suspension. 

And nothing, but nothing looks 

like the Spitfire... 
except maybe that plane. 


Triumph Spitfire! 


Bumper guard, whitewalls, wheel covers optional. 


PLAYBOY 


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€ 1961 New York World's Fair 
1964-1965 Corporation. 


You lose! 


You lose your extravagant ideas about how 
much a good pair of shoes should cost when 
you discover Johnsonian. For example, cur 
new cress blucher in black or brown. It has 
a cushion insole. It has “Living (Formula 
X-1000)"'* Leather uppers that stay newer- 

3 looking longer. And it has a 
price tag dollars less than 
you'd expect to pay for quality 
shoes like this. All Johnsonian 
shoes cost $8.95 to $12.95. 
Maybethat’swhythey’ re fast becoming Amer- 
ica's best-selling popular price shoe. See 
Johnsonians at the stores listed or write 
Endicott Johnson for name of nearest dealer. 


@Johnsonian 


а quality product of Endicott Johnson, Endicott, М. Y. 
FEATURED AT THE 1964/1965 WORLD'S FAIR 


CALIFORNIA 

Buena Park, Shoe Circus 

Jerry's Shoes 

, Greenlee's Shoes 

Hemet, Shoemaker's Shoe Mart 

Lodi, Ca-Tone Shoes 

Los Angeles, Beverly Bootery 

Los Banos, Hergie's Shoes & Clothing. 
Gakdale, Chicou's Family Shoe Store 


Pasadena, Big Ben Shoe Store 
Salinas, Stan's Dept. Store 
South Gate, Dee's Shoe Box 
Watsonville, Van's Shoe Store 


COLORAOO 

Denver, Tober's Shoes 

Gunnison, Balkenbush Family Shoes 
NEW MEXICO 

Roswell, The Shoe Mart 


OREGON 
Beaverton, The Shoe Horn 
Medford, Big Y Shopping Center 
Newport, Beck's Shoe Store 
Portiand, Al's Family Shoe Store 


TEXAS 
Austin, Austin Army-Navy Store 
Beaumont, Shoe Town 


Mission, Mission Dry Goods 
Orange, Shoe Town. 

Pharr, Pharr Shoe Center 
Port Arthur, Shoe Town 
Sherman, Risk Shoe Store 
Vidor, Shoe Town 


WASHINGTON 
Auburn, Shoeland 


Puyallup, Shoeland 
Tacoma, Shoeland 


PLAYBI LL PLAYBOY's March Hare apparent, 
though not very, on our cover 
shares Prague digs with luscious Czech chick Olga 
Schoberova, whose myriad charms are further displayed. 
in The Girls of Russia and the Iron Curtain Countries, 
a pictorial essay that is the living-end result of a special 
PLAYBOY photographic mission to Moscow and other 
capitals of commissarland. 
pital entertainment in variegated forms fills this 
issue. Perhaps no more colorful and controversial figure 
has appeared in our pages than this month's subject of 
our Playboy Interview, Ayn Rand; in it, the author of 
The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged expounds her 
philosophy — Objectivism. Highly subjective is Arthur 
C. Clarke's The Meddlers, wher the winner of the 
prestigious Stuart Ballantine Medal for 1963 (pre- 
sented by Philadelphia's famed Franklin Institute “for 
outstanding research in communication and reconnais- 
sance") takes to task those scientists who look too little 
before they leap into experimentation. Built for good, 
long looks are the four-wheeled beauties forming a 
concours d'élégance through The Italian Line. Eminent 
auto author Ken W. Purdy (aided no little by photog- 
rapher Marvin Koner, the lensman responsible for most 
of the salon-quality pictures) comments on the cars and 
evaluates their creators! contributions to contemporary 


automotive design. 

Admirably crafted for absorbing reading is French 
diplomat-author Romain Gary's initial rraysoy fictive 
offering, A Bit of а Dreamer, a Bit of a Fool. Gary, 
whose first collection of short stories, Romain Gary's 
Hissing Tales, is scheduled to be debuted by Harper & 
Row this month, boasts a distinguished career in the 
service of his country (he won the Croix de guerre and. 
Legion of Honor during World War II, was a delegate 
to the UN), and as a novelist (Lady L, The Company of 
Men and The Roots of Heaven, for which he won 
Trance's top literary accolade, the Prix Goncourt). Other 
fictioneers present and accounted for in March include 
P. С. Wodehouse, whose madcap novel, Bifjen’s Mil- 
lions, wends its way to a typical wild-and-woolly Wode- 
housian conclusion. We will let our readers draw their 
own conclusions on the current state of TV after di- 
gesting Rory Harrity's satiric How Did It Бост Get on 
Television? Harvardman Harrity has himself contrib- 
uted fodder for the electronic evil eye, has written ma- 


terial for Julius Monk, is now incubating а play. Jon 
Edward Manson, the 22-year-old author of the sardonic 
The Delicate Operation (his first 
a member degree from the Inte! 


ale as a 


writer), holds 
national Association of 
Hypnotists, is licensed to practice therapeutic hypno- 
therapy, has worked as a judo instructor, gem salesman, 
disc jockey, news photographer, press agent, junior ac- 
count executive, radio" V copywriter, and actor, and is 
currently doing what comes supernaturally, investigat- 
ing the occult, 

Our own J. Paul Getty — who has an almost extrasen- 
sory ability to separate fiscal wheat trom chalf — offers, 


HARRITY 


CLARK 


in Living with Labor, a primer for management-worker 
compatibility. For utmost rapport between chef and 
gourmet, Thomas Mario describes the diverse guises and 
international flavor of the sausage in Global Linkage. 
Linking up with erAvmov's past in this, our Tenth 
Anniversary year—a pair of nostalgic nuggets: the 


conclusion of Silverstein’s History of Playboy, and Play- 
mates Revisited — 1955, a review of the gatefold girls 
of our second year of publi 


ion. Also concluding in 
ue is How to Talk Dirty and Influence People, 
the future 


this 
Lenny Bruce's assertive autobiography. Eying 


in The Mediterranean Way, PLAYBOY'S Fashion Director 
Robert L. Green ferrets out new and exciting menswear 
trends from the European styling centers. 


Wrapping up matters for March is our M.D. (Most 
Delightful) Playmate, Nancy Scott, and E 
Miny, Mot, a quiz designed to test the most astute word 
savant. All this makes our March issue a sprightly 
springboard into spring. 


ny, Меспу, 


PLAYBOY, MARCH. 1964, VOL. M, ко. з. PUBLISHED MONTHLY EY HMH PUBLISHING CO.. INC. IN NATIONAL AND REGIONAL EDITIONS. FLAYEOY 
BUILDING, 232 E. OHIO 5T., CHICAGO, ILL, бов. SECOND CLASS POSTAGE PAID AT CHICAGO, ILLINOIS, SUBSCRIPTIONS: IN THE U. 5., $7 FOR ONE YEAR. 


Dry. 


The taste no two people describe alike 
and yet everybody agrees is great! 


In recent years a simple 3-letter word has invaded 
the language of convivial company to describe a fa- 
vorite drink. 

It’s the word DRY. 

To most, “DRY” simply means “GREAT.” An 
almost indefinable combination of desirable qualities 
Lightness. Quenchability. Authenticity. Smoothness. 
Bouquet. And today’s taste in Scotch is no exception. 

It'saway from the heavy and sweet. Toward the crisp 
and clean. And that’s where White Horse comes in. 

You get dryness in White Horse, not by chance but 
by design. It's born into the blend from the beginning. 
In the way it's aged and blended. The way it gets its 
“finish.” 

The subtlety of White Horse character can be traced 
to 200 years of blending skill and experience. For 
instance: 

We always draw on the same select Scotch whiskies 
from our own stocks. (Hence, you get uniform flavor. 
Identical quality). 

A special selection of as many as 30 different malt 
whiskies is used to make White Horse DRY (plus 
half a dozen trade secrets). 


Every drop of White Horse is bottled in Scotland. 
The only water used comes fresh from bubbling Scot- 
tish brooks. (Some Scotches are shipped over here 
for bottling. Never White Horse). 

Result? White Horse Scotch tastes delightfully 
DRY. And delightfully like Scotch. 

Next round, try White Horse. On the rocks, with 
soda or water. You'll taste the DRY in White Horse. 
And you'll like what you taste! 

100% Scotch Whiskies. Bottled in Scotland. 
Blended 86.8 proof. Sole distributors: Browne- 
Vintners Company, New York City. 


past with the contemporary? Then you'll want a 
set of handblown White Horse glasses (shown on 
facing page). Set of 4 in sparkling crystal. Em- 
blazoned with colorful, old-world tavern signs. 
Send $3 to White Horse Cellar, Dept. PL 3, P.O. 
Box 170, Boston 1, Massachusetts. 


4 White Horse 
the dry Scotch 


1 Unique White Horse Glasses. Like to mingle the 


SCOTCH 
“уу WHISKY 
У DISTILLERS 


| |)? s Blended 
Scotch Whisky 


á L Tha M "d = 
2% Eb to LONDON. or any апу 


other place an thet: 


PLAYBOY. 


Bit of a Dreamer 


Soviet Beauties 


A Fine Italian tine 


оно STREET, CHICAGO, ILLINOIS вов. RETURN 
INGS AND PHOTOGRAPHS SUBMITTED IF THEY ARE 
PLACES IN THE FICTION AND SEHI-FICTION IN THIS 
ву PHIL STERN. P. MI PHOTO BY POSAR. P. 113 


vol. 11, no.3 — march, 1964 


CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE 


PLAYBILL__ шуш 3 
DEAR PLAYBOY. 9 
PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS. " 5 S 15 
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 29 


PLAYBOY'S INTERNATIONAL DATEBOOK—Iravel. PATRICK CHASE 33 
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: AYN RAND—candid conversation... 35 
E 45 
SILVERSTEIN'S HISTORY OF PLAYBOY—humor SHEL SILVERSTEIN 56 
A ВІТ OF A DREAMER, A BIT OF A FOOL—fiction ROMAIN GARY 66 
THE ITALIAN LINE—modern living. КЕМ W. PURDY 71 
BIFFEN'S MILLIONS—novel... ——— PAG WODEHOUSE 7.8) 
THE MEDITERRANEAN WAY—attire ROBERT 1. GREEN 81 
J. PAUL GETTY 85 
i JON EDWARD MANSON 87 
DELIGHTFUL—ployboy’s playmate of the month. 2 88 
PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES—humor. 
GLOBAL LINKAGE—food __._. 
EENY, МЕЕМҮ, MINY, MOT—quiz. 


THE PLAYBOY FORUM ^ 


LIVING WITH LABOR—ariiclo... 
THE DELICATE OPERATION—fiction. 
PIAGNOSI 


THOMAS MARIO 96 
-— RALPH WOODS 100 


THE MEDDLERS—opinion.... ae -ARTHUR C. CLARKE 103 
THE GIRLS OF RUSSIA—pictorial essay. mede 2 E 
HOW DID IT EVER GET ON TELEVISION?—humor RORY HARRITY 117 


THE TALE OF A WELCOMING WIFE—ribald classic APULEIUS 119. 
HOW TO TALK DIRTY AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE—outobiography... LENNY BRUCE 120 


ON THE SCENE— personalities. — - 122 


PLAYMATES REVISITED—1955—pictorial.. 127 


HUGH M. HEFNER editor and publisher 
A. C. SPECTORSKY associate publisher and editorial director. 
ARTHUR PAUL art director 


JACK J. kessi managing editor VINCENT т. TAJIRI piclure editor 
SHELDON WAX senior edilor; FRANK DE BLOIS, MURRAY FISHER, NAT LEHRMAN, DAVID 
SOLOMON associate edilors; ROBERT L. GREEN fashion director; DAVID TAYLOR associate 
fashion editor; THOMAS MARIO food & drink editor; PAIMICK силке travel editor; J 
PAUL GETTY consulling editor, business & finance; CHARLES BEAUMONT, RICHARD GEH 
MAN, PAUL KRASSNFR, KEN W. PURDY contributing editors; ARLENE HOURAS Copy chicf; 
STAN AMBER copy editor; MICHAEL LAURENCE, [ACK SHARKEY, RAY WILLIAMS assistant 
editors; wv CHAMBERLAIN associate. picture editor; BONNIE BOVIK assistant picture 
editor; MARIO CASILLI, BARRY O'ROURKE, POMPEO POSAR, JERRY YULSMAN staff photog- 
raphers; FRANK ECK, STAN MALINOWSKI contributing photographers; FRED «лэк 
models’ stylist; KEW AUSTIN associate art director; RON BLUME, JOSEPH PACZEK assistant 
art directors; WALTER KRADENYCH art assistant; CYNTHIA MADDOX assistant cartoon 
editor; JOHN маѕтқо production manager; FERN HEARTEL assistant production man- 
nger » HOWARD w. LEDERER advertising director; JULES KASE eastern advertising 
manager; Osce FALL midwestern advertising manager; JOSEPH GUENTHER Detroit 
aduerlising manager; NELSON. FUTCH promotion director; DAN CZUBAK. promotion 
art director; weLMUT Losch publicity manager; BENNY DUNN public relations 
manager; ANSON MOUNT college bureau; THEO FREDERICK personnel director; JANET 
PILGRIM reader service; WALTER HOWARTH subscription fulfillment manager; ELDON 
SELLERS special projects; ROBERT rREUss business manager & circulation director. 


The Crew-sader. 

This is the sock that has earned a 
reputation as the softest and most comfortable 
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Orlon’ acrylic and stretch nylon is what makes it so. 


Enterwoven: 


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store featuring the h.i.s® label. Nothing to buy! Easy to win! 
h.i.s offers you your choice of seven different trips this summer 
to your favorite European city by luxurious jet. 

Meanwhile let h.i.s guide you down the straight and narrow into 
Loopers...right up the Via Veneto for the big new look! Uncon- 
ventionally tight, low-slung and uncuffed, Loopers have conven- 
tional belt loops, get-at-able welt pockets, handy change pocket. 
In Sharkskins, Tropicals, “‘Dacron'’ Cotton Poplins, Iridescents. 
Talon Zipper. Only $4.98 to $6.98 depending upon the fabric. 


16EAST 34 STREET, NEW YORK, N.Y. 


il 


DEAR PLAYBOY 


E] Avpress PLAYBOY MAGAZINE * 212 E. OHIO ST., CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611 


SO ORDER A LA CARTE 

I really drooled after reading Anatole 
Brovard's Conversation Over Moo Goo 
Gai Pan [rLaynoy, December 1963], not 
for Chinese food but for that dish Sylvie. 
When my wife goes to bed she wears 
stockings on her head, not on her legs. 
My wife begins every sentence I 
1." "So" would bc a welcome change. 
If all Jewish girls were like Sylvie Га 
buy them cocktail rings by the dozen. 
Milton, don't change; you've got it 
made. 


with 


J. Berryhill 
Brooklyn, New York 


CHEMICAL ANALYSIS 
1 thoroughly enjoyed William Zinsser's 

Saltpeter and the Wolf [rıaynoy, De. 
cember 1963]. I have long suspected 
that the guys coming home from 
boarding school, the Army, and prison 
were handing out a line regarding the 
use of salpeter in their food. 1 mean, 
really, saltpeter in the mashed potatoes 
and chipped beef! I'm glad Mr. Zinsser's 
amice has exposed them. But, I'll tell 
you one thing for sure: In the Air Force, 
ме got it in the milk! 

Cliff Hochns 

KGGF Radio 

Coffeyville, Kansas 


PARADISE 
A few days ago a good friend of mine 
d I were talking about obscene litera- 
ture. During this conversation, he called 
your magazine obscene. | objected to 
this, asking him if he had ever г 
stories in your magazine. He replie 
he hadn't. I then told him that 1 would, 
at my own expense, buy him the Decem- 
her issue of mavuoy, if he would read 
Arthur Kopit's To Paradise, by Ferry. 
He agreed. Two days later I received an 
apology with $1.25 in cash 

"Craig 

Yakima, Washington 


Strongly suggest that the next time you 
send Arthur Kopit on an errand be sure 
he carries either his glasses or а me 
ing rod. If it is five kilometers from the 
port of Levant to Heliopolis I'll cat eve 

pup tent on the way. Also, if he hadn't 
been in such a hurry to leave, he would 


have found а I; 

western side of the i: 

nevertheless. has wit. 
Eduardo Esteves 
Aguadilla, Puerto Rico 


ge 


ady beach on the 
and. The fellow, 


SHINNY SHOWDOWN 

Re December's Everybody Shinny on 
His Own Side: Of cour nyone can be 
caught with his editorial pants down in 
a situation such as most magazines found 
themselves after the tragedy of Novem- 
ber 22. Nevertheless, since Robert Paul 
Smith's article touched on the arts, 1 
feel Г can express an opinion any 

Briefly, there has been a great deal of 
talk about Government control of this 
and that — much of But, 
art- 


it justified 
viewed from the lofty perch of an 
ist.” rhe situation in the arts hardly 
comes close enough to this to warrant 
concern. 1 wonder how many realize how 
long this country has waited for a Presi- 
dent with real interest in the ants and the 
conviction to do something аһош it. 

Fm sure Mr. Smith's heart is in the 
right place so far as the arts are con- 
to point 
out that just having an administration 
"friendly" toward the ars has been of 
inestimable value. This is particularly 
true when the situation is viewed from 
somewhere other than the large cities. 
In many smaller cities, comparatively 
few people are saddled with the perpetu- 
ation of the arts, and any national atten- 
tion drawn to the overall picture is most 
helpful 

Speaking as an artist, I hope the im- 
petus the Kennedys have given us will 
be carried on. 

Peter Rickeu, Musical Director 
Greenville Symphony Associ: 

reenville, South Carolina 


сетей, but I thought I ough 


ion 


I am a 22year-old girl and I have 
bought rLAvBoY for years now. But this 
time I am a little confused. Perhaps vou 
might help me. I did not expect a “pic 
torial uibute to John F. Kennedy" in 
your December issue, but 1 did not ex 
pect the silly, vulgar and idiotic contribu- 
tion of this Robert Paul Smith of yours! 

Let me tell you that this is not a very 
to catch the estime of your 
Or, perhaps, is ita brilliant dem- 


нт BD.. н. E.. ATLANTA, GA. 30308, 233-6729, 


MY SIN 


...a most 
provocative perfume! 


LANVIN 
the bat poene i Фа 


Purse size $3; Spray Mist $5; 
Toilet Water from $3; (plus tax) 


9 


PLAYBOY 


10 


onstration of the rraysoy philosophy? 
Please, don't talk to me about deadlines; 
in a case like this, unfortunately for you, 
there is only a dead body 
Claude Dalla Torre 
Paris, France 
Smith expressed a personal opinion in 
terms that were light bul certainly not 
meant to be disrespectful. Our December 
issue was already on sale and January off 
the press when the tragedy of November 
22 occurred; we are grateful thal neither 
issue included any word or picture that 
might have stuck in our editorial throat 
with the assassination of President Ken- 
nedy, but there was little chance of it, for 
we had the greatest respect for him in 
life, as well as in death. 


DELIGHTFUL DONNA 
The lust was the best. December's 
Donna Michelle for Playmate of the 
Year 
Fred Bowman 
Detroit, Michigan 


Donna was only the greatest. Bravo. 
Edward Clark 
Seattle, Washington 


Miss Michelle was mag It's 
no contest for Playmate of the Year 
Harold Cohen 


Brooklyn, New York 


MORALSIZING 
Praise be to Mr. J. P. Getty for de- 
fining the businessman's burden in De- 
cembers The Morals of Money. | was 
rather surprised to find such a shallow 
artide written by a man of such well- 
known business acumen, Mr. Getty spoke 
of his overt support of charities, but I 
have yet to hear of the “Getty Founda- 
tion.” Could it be that Mr. Getty is more 
humble than the Fords, Rockefellers and 
Kennedys, or is it that I'm uninformed? 
Kent Edwards 
Belmont, Massachusetts 


Im a real soft touch. 1 can't refuse 
a tap, though 1 burn when the moocher 
is a stiff. 1 don't have J- Paul Getty's 
strength of character to turn. down the 
bite, But Гус figured а way out. PR 
liquidate all property. securities and 
bank accounts, and turn the whole busi 
ness over to the Community Chest. 

Ben Grossman 

Arlington, Virginia 


PLAYMATE IMPASSE 
Re December issue's Editors’ Choice: 

Granted, there isn't a single one that I 
would turn my back ou. but if I had a 
choice, I would pick Heidi Becker. They 
all have so much, but Miss Becker scems 
to have just that much morc. 

M. V. Taylor 

Discovery, Northwest Territories 


I'm outraged by your choice of several 
of the top ten Playmates from the last 
ten years. If vou had to include three 
from the year 1963, where are Judi Mon- 
terey and Toni Ann Thomas? 

Douglas Jay Schryver 
Ann Arbor, Michigan 


Farms are great. I was born and raised 
on one. I love animals, especially cows, 
but Avis Kimble takes the prize. How 
can you bear to put her in the same mag- 
Heidi Becker, Christa Speck, 
- Mason or even Janet Pilgrim? 

Clay Henley 
University of California 
Berkeley, Calilornia 


azine 
Conni 


Just saw Editors Choice of Playmates 
of decade. Har de har har. Toni Ann 
"Thomas was the most luscious doll ever 
in PLAYBOY. 

Bart Manning 
New York, New York 

We invite the readers’ own choices for 
the ten top Playmates of our first ten 
years and the results will be published 
as a pictorial feature next December. 


CRACKER BITTEN 

Re the letter in your December issue 
from “Graham Cracker" John V. Cof. 
field: "That was a putup job. wasn't it? 
You must have had one of your writers 
dream it up 

Seriously, did that idiot really write 
that miserable piece of garbage? [ know 
that there are people who are that rad- 
ical regarding religion, but that was 
too much to take: 1 laughed all the way 
through it. Heaven forbid that I ever 
become that narrow-minded in my out- 
look on life. Likewise, heaven forbid 
that 1 ever convince myself that Т have 
the power to condemn another human 
being to hell. I think that pLayeoy is 
the finest periodical published tod 
keep up the great work and you'll keep 
me as a subscriber for a long time to 
come. 


Hardy Hayes 
Amarillo, Texas 
Mr. Gofficld's letter was all too 


authentic. 


Re “Graham Cracker" letter in the 
December PrAvsoy: Surely the average 
ler of rtAvmov has intelligence 
enough to know that such misguided 
crackpots exist. Other than pointing out 
the obvious, | сап see no purpose for 
printing such idiotic bunk. It strikes me 
rather like poking sticks through the 
bars at гоо animals to hear them squeal 

Mark J. Bridges, Jr. 
University of Arkansas 
Fayetteville, Arkansas 


Re letter from John Coffield: Does he 
think he is God? Does he think Graham. 


THE 

SOUND 

OF 
ENTERTAINMENT 


[npe 


Barbra Streisand / The Third Album 


CL 2114/08 B914* 


© ue 


JEREMY STEIG FLUTE FEVER 


[gj bem оно 


M ee 
CREE 


2116/08 8916* 


OES 


COLUMBIA 
RECORDS 

АП Stereo albums аге also available 

in Guaranteed High Fidelity (Mono). 


"Bereo couseaBluxicas та тәпи s USA. 


NO CURE 
FOR THIS HAPPY, 
HAPPY FEVER 


Tony hasa contagious enthusiasm 
for his songs. It spreads through 
his listeners like an epidemic of 
joy. You catch it whether you're 
addicted to jazz or devoted to bal- 
lads. When Tony opened at New 
"York's Copacabana, Sammy 
Davis was moved to lead the 
throng in a standing ovation. 


Tony doesn’t just sing to an audi- 
ence—he takes it by storm. You 
can hear it happen in Tony 
Bennett at Carnegie Hall, the 
live-performance recording of his 
sold-out concert. You'll love his 
style in such best-selling albums 
as This Is All T Ask, T Left 

My Heart in San Francisco 

and I Wanna Be Aroun 
and in his latest hit reco! 
The Many Moods of Tony. 
Hear just one and you'll 
want to hear them all. 


Warning: Tony’s touch is conta- 
gious. But who wants a cure for 
this happy, happy fever? 


TONY BENNETT 
ON COLUMBIA 
RECORDS 


OL 2141/08 6041" 


PLAYBOY 


12 


is God? Evidently he does think so, con- 
demning people to hell. and generally 
g the impression of d thority. 
which cannot be substantiated in the 
Scriptures. 

I speak with some 
matters, being a minister myself with a 
Th. M. degree from South Carolina, I 
am also an avid reader of рълувоу, and 
an advocate of the open-minded philos- 
ophy, as expounded so pointedly by Mr. 
Hefner in his editori 

Were Jesus Christ alive today, he 
would probably concur on this point, 
he was in his day an extreme liberal. He 
human being. subject to human 
frailties the same as we. He had human 
feelings, as exhibited by his creating 

wedding feast in 
so spoke to the 
accursed Roman tax collector; he even 
had one for a disciple. He also be- 
fricuded prostitutes and “loose women, 
such as Mary Magdalene, the woman 
at the well in Sychar of Samaria, and 
the woman "taken in adultery." (It was 
here he made his famous “He that is 
without sin among you, let him first cast 
a stone...” rebuke of the Pharisees.) 

If Jesus Christ were such а compas- 
sionate person. loving, and giving of 
himself to people in violation of all 
established codes of morality and law, 
then how could he condemn the models 
in posing for a publication dedicated to 
the advancement. of the arts, both. liter- 
ary and illustrative for the edification and 
entertainment of the person intelligent 
enough to assess their intended values 
and to appreciate their mean 

The idiots of Christ's day crucified 
him because he tried to open the сус 
of the people to the fact that the priests 
were exploiting them. It was these 
priests, not the Romans, who were rc- 
sponsible for his crucifixion. The idio 
of our day are taking this same Christ, 
who lived and died for the principles 
of truth and individual freedom, and 
making him a dispassionate, unbending, 
nanow-minded. monster, who will not 
tolerate the slightest. way, other than 
that which they have twisted from a 
warped interpretation of his teachings. 

Therefore, I say to Mr. Coffield. why 
don't you scrub the filth from the musty. 
corroded corners of your own infinitesi 
mal mind, because the “be [or the 
filth] the eye of the beholder.” ТЕ 
you see filth in art, then the filth is in 
your own concept. not the intent of the 
artist. Here’s hoping this is published for 
the edification of the “sophisticated 
Christian,” who would like to say the 
same, but is alraid to do so. 

Bruce B. Jones 
Compton, € 


authority in these 


In regard to the "Gr. 
your Dece: 
too, has “adver 


1 that he, 
r end to the 


issue. we f 


ed his rca 


Iber 


public.” What makes John Coffield so 
holy that he can judge and condemn 
others? According to the Bible, only God 
can condemn man. Personally. we find 
PLAYBOY to be а most interesting and 
informative magazine. 

К. E. Howell, Jr. 

€. M. Layman, 

J. E. Gill. Jr. 

Wake Forest College 

Wake Forest, North Carol 


You have really done it this time. The 
publishing of Mr. John V. Coflield's let- 
ter in the December issue showed an 
obvious disregard for the physical well- 
being of your reading public. Since you 
v directly responsible, I am sending 
you the medical bill for my own two split. 
des. The doctor said that these injuries 
were clearly caused. by uncontrollable, 
spasmodic fits of jocularity sustained 
while reading Mr. Cotheld’s letter, Please 
reassure my wife and friends. They seem 
to doubt the sincerity of Mr. Coffield's 
letter, and even question his very exist- 


ence. 


YITES 

Lenny Bruce is a Iucid and devastating 
perceiver of all the nonsense around. us 
that is being pawned off as “progr 
Our pursuance of the life of success 
and achievement for its own sake is m 
without feeling a 
ties with which Bruce is 


ity, qu: 
ly blessed, PLAYBOY deserves а 
pliudit for the presentation of such a 
ату and vital documentary. 
нег А. Sevian 
Lindenhurst, New York 


M 


te his time 


Why does Lenny Bruce w 
nd talent on the unappreciative dolts 
who inhabit night clubs? He should be 
hammering out humorous best sellers by 
the dozen. 


Топу Smith 
"Toronto, Ontario 


MORE VISIONS 
Do you expect readers to tike the 
November issue's Hallucinogens articles 


seriously? Reporter Dan Wakefield's 
"Objective View" boils down 10 a lament 
that Kicksters are having an awlully 


tough time of late getting hold of their 
supplies. Novelist Alan 
iforms us of renowned. Harva 
great mistake in employing two wacko- 
стаскоѕ whose "experiments" became 
mainly concerned with feeding the 
drugs to themselves. Last, but by no 
mains least, philosopher Aldous Huxley 
tells us, as he has 
published, that th 
y is a тоце d that if he 
could only persuade the entire popula- 
n to dope itself up, its ability to 


l's 


invoke further evil would be incapaci 
tated. 1 repeat: Is this humor or has it 


something to do with The Playboy 
Philosophy? 
C. E. Bart 
Philadelphia, Pennsylvan 
May I congratulate you on your 
excellent articles on vision-inducing psy 


chochemicals. a pleasure to read 
something that is objective and informed 
оп this subject when so much has been 
published recently in national maga- 
zines that is hysterical and пасош 
Stanley К. Robinson 
Lee Vining, California 


PLAYBOY PRO AND CON 
Your magazine disgusts me. Your rav- 
ings in the disguise of editorialism dis- 
gust me. I am writing every advertiser 
in your filthy rag to inform them that 
none of their products will be purchased 
1 amily. 1 am having many of my 
friends do the same, and each is going 
to get other friends to follow 
This move of protest will roll over 
you and put you back in the gutter from 
whence you no doubt came. 
Edward J. Hart 
Moorestown, New Jersey 


y my 


I've never written to a magazine be- 
fore, but now I must! I'm so sick and 
aring people call rrAvzoy 
trash! 1 read PtAYBov before I manied 
nd now my husband and 1 never miss 
His clothes are bought with 
лувоу uide, his drinks and 
food And with The 
Playboy Philosophy — why it's great for 
hours of discussion. 

I look forward to your Playmate of 
the Month. Beauty is a thing to be ad 
mired and should be put to the public 
s artfully a» your If these 
poor people think it's wash then T really 
feel sorry for them, for their minds must 
be full of evil. I say phoocy to these peo. 
ple. Continue the great work. As far 
I'm concerned 75 cents can't buy a better 
magazine on what's really going on in 


an issuc. 


sh 


the same. now 


stall. docs. 


difi 


What makes Piaynoy so darned popu- 
Its editors. cons bid high 
es for good water ıl conse: 
quently publish some of the best of the 
best contemporary fiction in America. Tt 
strives 10 perpetuate some measure of 
truth in its editorials and m 
empathy throughout the 
pLaynoy is a wonderful, gl 
раска 
best art dej 
creative publication, it reaches the 
like a breath of fresh air. 

Richard E. Botke 

New York, New York 


"ments 


FOR THOSE WHO ENJOY THE TASTE OF GOOD WHISKEY 


In a 7-Up highball, whiskey doesn’t become a hidden ingredient! 
You taste it—as you should. Instead of bullying whiskey, 7-Up 
actually gives it a gentle assist, mellows, rounds out flavor. 
You get a robust, 100% great drink, And 7-Up sparkle means 
“don’t stir.” Pour gently; 7-Up stirs itself. It’s the man’s mixer. 


Copyright 1964 by The Seven-Up Company 


A: ~~ The barefoot truth: 
Esquire Socks Hi - Butterknit 
does something more for you 


| 

1 
| Gives you that feeling of being totally 
\ well dressed. Slip into a pair of 
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Another jet кшш: of di KayserRotn «2 


PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 


JË our incoming-mail basket the other 
day we spied a letter bearing a postage 
stamp that resembled nothing so mudh as 
a Norman Rockwell cover lor The Sal- 
urday Evening Post: a heartwarming 
depiction of a grandfatherly postman, 
cherry-checked and cheerfully burdened 
with mailbag and umbrella, engaged in 
the swift completion of his appointed 
rounds, stayed neither by snow nor rain 
nor heat nor gloom of night—nor by 
the company of a look-mom-no-cavities 
urchin and his playful pup. Suspecting 
that the Curtis Publishing Company had 
gone into collusion with the Post Office 
Department in an offbeat ad campaign 
to hypo circi nd 
learned that the stamp had indeed been 
limned by that illustrious illustrator of 
Americana, but that any similarity to a 
Post cover was purely coincidental. The 
painting had been commissioned to com- 
memorate the 100th anniversary of home 
mail delivery and was, we were informed, 
the first U.S. stamp with a “humorous 
theme.” Maybe they should have modi- 
fied the quoted phrase with the word 
“intentionally,” for those of us familiar 
h the celebrated. three-cent 1948 
commemorative,” as it was 
celebrating the centenary of the 


ion, we investigated. 


called. 
American poultry industry with the full- 
length. portrait of a plump hen — know 
differently. 


This stamp, we recall was the 
harbinger of a postal plethora honoring 
the subsequent anniversaries of such in- 
stitutions as the Camp Fire Girls, the 
American Turners Association and that 
hardy per 
the Buddy Poppy. Foreseeing a continu- 
ing wend toward philatelic levity, we 
feel that the Post Office Department m 


nnial of street-corner flora, 


soon find itself in need of suggestions for 


future commemoratives; and so, never 


pudibund, we present ours herewith: 


"The 45th anniversary of the invention 
of the Соке boule, coming up this year, 
might fittingly initiate a stamp series 
commemorating cultural milestones in 
American history: followed, perhaps, by 
a stamp etched with the friendly faces of 
the pancl members on What's My Line?, 
in observance of that program's 15th ап- 
niversary: and another betokening the 
occasion of Mantovani's first concert at 
the District of Columbia Armory. We 
suggest also a series honoring the adver- 
tising industry with postal portraits of 
such luminaries as Мт. Clean, Speedy 
Alka-Seltzer and Johnny, the Philip Mor- 
ris midget. As an adjunct to the nation's 
foreign-policy program, we envision the 
enhancement of good will overseas 
through the observance of such historic 
events as the 155th anniversary of the 
last recorded case of rabies in Norway, 
and the 1900th anniversary of the mar- 
riage of Nero to a 12-year-old boy on the 
Capitoline Hill And we look forward, 
finally, to а stamp which promises to be- 
come a cherished collector's item — com- 
memorating the 52nd anniversary of the 
founding, in Germany, of the world's 
first nudist camp. 


We must admit that the following 
sign atop a band of digital computers at 
the Point Arguello (California) naval 
missile base temporarily shook our con- 
fidence in those responsible for our 
national defense — until we rcad it more 
carefully: Das  COMPUIENMACHINE 1S 
NICHT кик GERFINGERPOKEN UND MIITEN- 
КАВЕМ, 15 EASY SCHNAPPEN DER SPRINGEN- 
WORK, BLOWENEUSEN UND POPPENCORKEN 
MIT SPITTZENSPARKEN. IST NIGHT FUR GE- 
WERKEN BY DAS DUMMKOPPEN. DAS RUBBER- 


NECKEN SIGHISEEREN KEEPEN HANDS IN 
DAS POCKETS. RELAXEN UND WATCH DAS 
BLINKENLIGHTS, 


We applaud the candor — and the cu- 
riosity — of the young lady who placed 
the following ad in the "Personals" col- 
unin of the Saturday Review: “АТТКАС- 
TIVE WOMAN, 21, college graduate, desires 
challenging position. Box B-913." 

The Haunted Bookshop, a Gre 
Village mecca for the local literati, dis- 
played the following sign over the works 
of a recently rediscovered author: mic 


SALE: REGULARLY $5.95. NOW $6. 


iwich 


We string along with Sigmund in his 
Freudian formulation that few accidents 
are purely accidental, that is, with his 
belief that there is most always some 
deep-seated and unconscious motivation 
behind virtually every mistake. But we've 
given up trying to discern what lay 
behind the typographical "error" which 
befell the printers of a recent edition of 
the Reading, Pennsylvania, Times, which 
— under a three-column banner headline 
reading “RULE OF AFRO-ASIAN REDS ADM OF 
MAO'S PUSH AT INDIA" — ran a two-column 
picture captioned “Chinese troops line 
up in Tibet mountains" The picture 
itself was of a Playboy Club Bunny 
Mother instructing her latest charge in 
the art of gracefully serving drinks. 
Maybe Siggy could dope this one; we 
can't— except to suggest that printers, 
like the rest of us, can be captivated to 
the point of distraction by the picture 
of a pretty girl. 


Belated though it may be, we felt that 
the following tidbit of yuletide intelli- 
gence was just too tempting to keep un- 
der the tree until next December. It 
seems that а New York garage decided 
to elicit the Christmas spirit of its pa- 


15 


PLAYBOY 


Mix 3 or 4 parts Light Bacardi Rum, 1 
part dry vermouth and stir like the devil 
with ice. Pour, add your favorite garnish* 
— апа toast the rising moon! 


* Add а black olive to make a Black Devil. Or add a green olive and ice 
cubes, and the devilish delight becomes a Green Devil on-the-rocks. A 
lemon twist makes a Yellow Devil. A pearl onion, a White Devil. And so on. 
There must be at least 50 ways to make a Bacardi Devil— but one thing 
never changes. Smooth, dry Bacardi Rum makes smooth, dry drinks. 
(Dry means not sweet.) There is probably enough Bacardi to last until 
you get to the store. But why chance it? Bacardi Devils are sweeping all 
before them! It's every man for himself and the devil take the hindmost! 


BUY DRY CAE ENJOYABLE ALWAYS AND ALL WAYS 


LEADER FOR 102 YEARS 
Bacardi Imports, Inc., Miami, Fla., Rum, 80 Proof 


Black Devil Green Devil Yellow Devil White Devil 


trons by means of a meretricious holiday 
greeting card which suggested, in verse, 
that all customers of good will should 
remember their garagemen generously 
in this season of joyous giving. Appar- 
ently at least a few customers failed to 
respond to this touching plea, for two 
weeks later they received another card, 
which began with this greeting: “MERRY 
CHRISTMAS — SECOND NOTICE,” 

A prisoner at the Louisiana state 
penitentiary was overjoyed to learn 
recently that his appeal for a commu- 
ion of sentence had finally been 
пиеа — until he was informed that 
саг term had been commuted 


to fifteen. 


Unabashedly billed on the cover of the 
program notes for a tent-show presenta- 
t the Shady Grove Music Fa 
Gaithersburg, Mary! 
1 in JANE MORGAN.” 


Now and then, from the glass-craggy 
canyons of Park and Madison avenues, 
there emerges а cheering gleam of irrev- 
erent originality to prick the public con- 
cept of admen and their clients as 
humorlessly heavy-handed pushers of 
products and services. We're not refer- 
ring to those arch and cute ads that 
conceal hard sell by employing bizarre 
pictorial effects; we think we've see 
enough of such saber-toothed coyness to 
last us several lifetimes. What we have in 
mind are those occasional, usually small, 
ads that some anonymous copywriter 
obviously relished composing. Two such 
came our way recently and it's our pleas- 
ure to give free &расе to each. First one 
advertises a nightery in New York, and 
goes like this: 


Think Fink! 
Jackie Kannon's 
Rat Fink Room 

Shows Nine to Oblivion 

FOR TH 
UNINHIBITED 
ANEW 
EXPERIENCE IN 
SOCIAL 
DECADENCE . . . 


The second 


from the pages of 
Yachting, and is a sailmaker's ad. It 
shows a photo of a smiling yachtsman 
nd the words beneath it read: “yac 
rArorrerre, Indianapolis Yacht Club, 
finished 65th 65-boat fleet in the 
1963 Thistle National Championships, 
using Boston-developed suils exclusively.” 


And then, beneath this, in much 
smaller type: “Ed Walsh, Delanco, № 
the Nation: also 


uses Boston sai 
These ads, we submit, are soft sell— 
so soft that they tickle. 


BOOKS 


“In 1957 a girl of 15 with long legs 
and a tendency to pout threw up a job 
in Slough and decided to move to 
London." Will this girl from a converted 
railway carriage in the provincial village 
of Wraysbury find fame and fortune 
among the rich, titled and powerful men 
of mighty London? You bet. Such is 
the plot of Anctomy of o Scandal (Morrow, 
$3.95), which a troika of English jour- 
nalists have hastily patched together from 
the newspaper clips of last year's Fleet 
Street circulation booster, the Profumo 
сазе. The authors have a colorful cast of 
characters чо work with — leggy Chris- 
tine, bearlike C. € Dr 
Stephen Ward, impetuous John Pro 
fumo, and all their friends — but we h 
met them before on the 
е shown noth 
length rehash of thei 
The attempts at analysis are feeble 
families with more than one son (W 
had two brothers and a sister), it 
often happens that one of them re- 
bels.” And the sallies into moral sig- 
nificance are simply silly; the fa 
that on the day Christine moved in 
with Dr. Ward the wo-millionth copy 
of Lady Chatierley's Lover was sold i 
hardly an explanation of anything. The 
only interesting contribution is one the 
authors have cadged from an Austrian 
sociologist. named Heinrich Blezi 
In a poll of British opinion, Dr. Blez- 
inger found that nearly 80 percent of 
those interviewed thought that Pro 
fumo's greatest sin was lying to the 
House of Commons, while only 8 per- 
cent gave most importance to his Iyi 
with Christine, To go into Parliamen- 
tary life it may no longer be necessary 
10 give up your mistress, only to declare 
her. 


ptain Ivanov, si 


ront 


The title of Samuel Beckett's new 
novel is How It Is (Grove, $3.95); but, 
after reading, the question is, How is it? 
Here’s the first sentence: “how it was 1 
quote before Pim with Pim after Pim 
how it is three parts I say it as I hear it 
He sure does. From there on, the book 
proceeds, if that’s the word, in a series of 
short unpunctuated pa phs for 147 
pages. There are hints now and then 
that it's all the interior monolog of а 
basket сазе; or sometimes опе believes 
(many mentions of mud, one mention 
of a chevron) that it may have something 
to do with war, soldiers, maneuvers. One 
paragraph includes the names of 
Haeckel, the 19th Century German 
naturalist, and Klopstock, the 18th 
Century German poet, along with AL 
tona, the city where Sartre put his 
“condemned.” A little later there is a 


mention of Nova Zembla, the country 
that Nabokov invented for Pale Fire. 
These clues are passed on for what 
they're worth. Beckett's previous novels 
(Molloy, Malone Dies, et ak) while 
hardly conventional, were at least com- 
prehensible experiments. His plays are 
the highlights of the Theater of the 
Absurd: Waiting for Godot may turn 
out to be a classic. But this new novel 
is either ahead of its time or on the 
wrong planet. There's a paragraph near 
the end that may be the author's real 
comment: “there was something yes but 
nothing of all that no all balls from start 
to finish yes this voice quaqua yes all 
balls yes only one voice her 
yes when the panting stops y 


yes mine 


This Man Is 1 His name is 
Edmund Wilson, his new book is called 
The Cold Wor ond the Income Tax (Farrar, 
Straus, $2.95), and for over 40 years he 
has been pouring out articles and books 
stubbornly designed to make us take 
fresh look а ‚ ideas and society. 
Now 68, he gives us the most Paine-ful 
pamphlet of his distinguished career. It 
all started because between 1946 and 
1955 he neglected to file income-tax 
returns, He explains that his income wa 


very low through most of these yea 


М 
sliced out of 


withholding tax was l 
certain magazine income, and he b 
lieved he could make up any defi 
later. Whatever the reasons that got h 
into this jam (and one must question his 
naïveté), his extensive, expensive efforts 
to clear up the matter over the past few 
years have 
plenty about the 
Service (Service, yet!); 
into what all those tax millios 
Anent the first, he confirms 
at some of us have suspected: the IRS 
is, in effect, а despotism operating 
within a democracy. It has power over 
our lives that we would never grant to 
mere policemen or politicians, As for the 
chief uses of the tax money —space pro- 
grams, nuclear weapons, chemical-biolog- 
ical-radiological warfare — he vigorously 
questions not only the humanity but the 
rationality of each and the way we all 
supinely shrug that “this is the way 
things are.” He argues that the two pro- 
grams — oppressive taxing methods and 
Cold War spend 
of the same gun, 
liberty and the future of the 


man, thank heaven, is dangerous. 


In Three Beds in Manhattan (Doubleday, 
$3.95), Georges Simenon throws the beam 
of his restless searchlight onto two of 
Manhattan's m is, un homme et une 
femme. In one bed we have Francois, 
French actor, late 40s, alone and lonely, 
‘on his way down. In the other we have 
Catherine, early 30s, also lonely, on the 
town. These two meet in an all-night 


7 


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coffeeshop and quickly find their way 
into a third bed in a sleazy hotel. In this 
unlikely setting love blooms. Or is it 
love? Catherine, born in Vienna 
married to a Hungarian count, 


has before him a frightening blank. 
menon follows these two i 
gropi 
doubts, spu 
erine's desperation, little lies and quick- 
ening feelings. What sort of love can 
come to two people who meet, not in the 
g of life, пог even in the after- 
— rather, say, at the cocktail hour, 
reeling from harsh experiences, alone in 
shest of towns? If there is a flaw 
in this novel, it is that the idea, in the 
end, still looms slightly larger than the 
characters who have been invoked to 
serve it. But the tale is told with the 
economy, penetration and quiet suspense 
that are Simenon's hallmark. And the 
ht bc called a surprise. 


ending m 


"Who, these days, has not got a night- 
mare of his own?" asks Billy Brown, the 
antihero of Warren Miller's mad novel, 
Looking for the General (McGraw-Hill, 
$4.95). He is full of such rhythmic que- 
rics — but who, these days, has not heard 
them before? Miller has written a thin 
novel about some fat problems: man’s 
inhumanity to man, the thrcat of nuclear. 
destruction, the perfectibility of the 
human race. Quite early in the game. 
Billy Brown, a fortyish bachelor who 
works in a research laboratory, loses his 
wits (but not, happily, his wit) and be- 
comes convinced that there are people in 
outer space — angels, really — who disap- 
prove of man's weakness for nuclear rou- 
lette. His notion, as it turns ош, not 
so odd after all (though one would hes 
tate to call it even). Billy's boss, the 


retired general, believes in those angels, 
too, and attempts a rendezvous with 
them on the Arizona desert. For all Billy 


knows, the general succeeds; for at the 
е moment, in a thunderous an 


deci 
climax, a nearby powerhouse is dyn: 
mited and bystander Billy is knocked 
unconscious. Since Miller can write, one 
can bave a fine time if one ignores the 
novels gossamer plot and its waxen 
characters, 


MOVIES 


Sunday in New York is nothing but fluff, 
but when it’s as laughable as this, fluff 
makes the world go round. Norman 
Krasna has crafted a crafty screenp 
from his Broadway hit; Peter Тем 
bury, a director new to us, has handled 
it with kidding gloves; and Jane Fonda, 
in the . reconfirms (as the airlines 


say) her place as the best American 
screen actress of her generation. She 
plays yearold virgin whose Albany 
boyfriend is put out because she won't; 
so she comes 10 Manhattan for advice 
from her brother (Cliff Robertson), a 
wolf in TWA-pilot’s clothing. Her sud- 
den visit upsets brother's Sunday mati- 
nec plans with Jo Morrow and leads him 
to a series of transcontinental contre- 
temps. Jane meanwhile gets pinned, 
literally, to Rod lor on a Fifth 
Avenue bus. There follows a long da 
journey into night at her brother's busy 
ance of 


apartment, induding the appez 
the Albany athlete, as the comedy whips 
back and froth, No real substance to 
i? Who wants a heavy soufflé? 


America America, written and directed 
by Elia Kazan, is a moving movie — the 
story of a young immigrant in 1896, a 
Greek from Tur „ and his 
desperate struggle to reach this country. 
The film has lovely location shots, some 
wizard Welleslike cutting, and musky 
Middle East atmosphere. In fact. if one 
hour had been cut out of this three-hour 
film, it might have been a small smash. 
But Kazan overplays his hand, his cam- 
era, everything he can overplay. If 
stating a thing once would get it across, 
Kazan does it three times just to show 
that he can think of three ways. The 


ish Anatoli 


youth, whom Kazan based on his own 
uncle, 1 amily's 
possessions to set up a place for them in 
Constantinople. He is swindled en route 
in an episode that takes too long. He 
works as a porter to get passage money, 
and that takes too long. He gets engaged 
to a rich girl, breaks it off, and seduces a 
rich wife —and all that takes even 
longer. The sound track, with flat sound 
and flat accents, keeps tugging us out of 
Turkey into an Actors Studio studio. 
The acting exception is Stathis Giallelis, 
who plays the hero with Greek fire. So 
much of America America is so good 
that it’s too bad so much is so-so. 


es home with all his 


Gor an interesting book that you want 
turned into a mediocre movie? Call 
Dore Schary. He has converted Moss 
Hart's captivating chronicle, Act One, 
into a saccharine soaper about a Brook- 
lyn boy who makes good іп Manhattan. 
With his funeral director—adapter touch, 
Schary has п iout 
altering many facts: Hart was a Brook 
lyn boy who made good in Manhattan 
But the doughy dialog, and the character 
and camera clichés amount to f. 
tion in their own right. Or wrong. He 
even manages 10 take a scene from the 


naged to do this wii 


stilLhilarious Kaufman-Hart Once in a 
Lifetime and make it lay an egg (while, 
of course, we sce those stock shots of 
the audience guffawing). George Hamil 
ton, as Нап, laughs and cries, looks 
discouraged and determined, and, gee 


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whizz, always at the right moment — just 
like an actor. АП the Jewish characters 
—in the book as tasty as a good dill 
pickle—are converted into matzo-bar- 
rel philosophers. They're just not kosher: 
Jason Robards. Jr, for instance, does 
n uncertain impersonation of George 
a “recognition” 
scene, Hart's first big party with a lot 
of celebrities, cast with actors who are 
supposed to look like those celebrities 
but don't. There was a chance here to 
capture the fast, hard. tinselly fun of 
the New York theater in the Thirties, 
Dut Schary has used the Hart story to 
tug heartstrings. 


The Victors is an antiwar picture for 
those who haven't seen too many. Carl 
Foreman has written. directed and pro- 
duced (from an Alexander Baron novel) 
as if, among others, his own Guns of 
Navarone had never been 
takes a squad of С! 
invasion to the Berlin occupation — 
three years in three hours — dwelling 
less on savage combat than on soul 
curdli on death than on destruc- 
tion of the living. There's a lot of plot, 
and even more cast. Vincent (TV) 
Edwards falls for an Ita rl (Ro- 
s Schiaffino), who has had a child by 
a German rapist. A young French wail 
thinks that in return for food from 
George Peppard he is expected to be 
dessert. Romy Schneider, a café viol 
respectable but resigned, is turned into 
a tart by a GI parttime pimp. Peppard 
nearly goes permanently A. W. O. L. in 
Brussels with black-marketeering Melina 
Mercouri. George Hamilton, on his way 
home through Russian-held Berlin from 
his girl who has also been Russian held, 
has a knife fight over a trifle with a Red 
soldier (Albert Finney). The standout 
performance is Jeanne Morcau's as a 
shell-shocked aesthete who pleads to 
spend the night with a goodhearted, grull 
sergeant (Eli Wallach). The whole 
spectacle is spliced throughout with 
ironic shots of home-[ront newsreels, in- 
cluding Rockettes rollicki boot 
camp and lady wrestlers flopping on 
cach other's ies; and the ironies are 
triply underscored by the mcachanded. 
musical score. (While а deserter is be 
shot, a crooner drools a pop Christmas 
ballad.) The Victors has ап obvious 
point, but one worth driving home: 
Nobody really wins. 

They're gunning for the military mind 
lately. The Victors, Dr. Strangelove 
(pLaynoy, February 1964), now Seven Days 
in Mey. The Knebel-Bailey best sci 
dealt with a take-over try by the ch 
staff and some of his top brass who think 
that the President is soft on Russia. The 
film, scripted by Rod Serling, spares no 
ponderousness to таке its democratic 
point, including some dialog that would 


sink a late-model aircraft carrier. It 
does name some nuts who need naming, 
ike the late Joe McCarthy and the 
unlate General Walker, but it’s at its 
best when it's spy-chasing, not specchify- 
ing. Kirk Douglas, a Marine colonel 
adjutant to top general Burt Lancaster, 
is first to smell the coup that his kookie 
chief is cooking. He takes it directly to 
the White House, inhabited by Fredric 
March, then lifts some love letters that 
Burt once wrote to ex-mistress Ava 
Gardner. But in the pinch our Prez 
ı't stoop to blackmail. The plot wings 
from Washington to Gibraltar, and then 
10 а secret military base in Texas, as di 
rector John Frankenheimer uices to hitch 
his technique to early Hitchcock, But the 
dizzy drama and documentary style never 
really marry. The cast is competent, 
except for Lancaster who, as usual, kills 
his credible appearance every time he 
speaks, Miss Gardner never looked love- 
lier. Martin Balsam, here a White House 
aide, aids any picture he’s in. 
Whatever happened to Laurence Ha 
yey? you ask. Well, he has taken to 
producing and directing himself. The Cere- 
mony takes | ight, in and. 
around a Tangier prison where Harvey, 
sentenced to death for a bank robbery 
that cost а Ше, is about to be executed. 
His brother and his girl contrive to 
rescue him, Much soggy symbolism is 
poured onto this dica dish, with a 
simple-minded priest who talks to an 
e warden who talks to 
listic prosecutor. who 
just talks. No picture ever contained 
more scurrying in the dark — with fect 
pattering down alleys, over rocks, 
corridors: also there's lots of у 
breathing and hiding in corners with 
eyes strained toward the light, Robert 
Walker, wying to be grim as the brother, 
is like a kid playing grownup in the 
. Sarah. Miles, the girl, is scrawnily 
unbelievable. Harvey has photographed 
himself frontward, backward, heroically 
from below, dramatically from above. 
But it all proves nothing except that 
movies have done wh 
never do— give self-directed h 
ror in which they can admire themselves. 
"I'm going to have a baby," she says 
to the boy who hardly remembers her, 
and away we go in Love with the Proper 
Stranger, a better than Ье 
comedy-romance writen by 4 
(Hole in the Head) Schulman. 
McQueen is a New York music 
(Italian-American). Natalie Wood is a 
lacy's  salesderk — (Italian-Amei 
They met — just once—at a summer 
hotel where he was playing as well as 
playing around. Now she tells him that 
she is justsoslightly pregnant, and he 
is justso-slighly thunderstruck. She is 
ious and decides to go it alone; but 


e during one 


tough guy McQueen, at heart a Ме 
Prince, helps her set up 
The visit to the ioni: 
grim and ends with a moving moment 
between the pair when he refuses to let 
it proceed. When he offers to do h 
duty and marry her, she flames again 
and cons an older flame into proposing: 
but all ends as we i 
family life, on both 
a fine Roman hand: 
dominates as the g 
brother. The final gag is a rerun from 
three dozen screwball comedies, but 
most of the script is written with a 
stenographic ear for English as murdered 
in N.Y.C. McQueen is right, though by 
now somewhat routine, Miss Wood is 
all dark eyes and desirability. 
Adams, playing a stripper friend of the 
heros named Barbara of Seville, is 
bucking to be the new Joan Blondell. 
Director Robert Mulligan, who made 
To kill a Mocking Bird, shows a handy 
hand with comedy. 

Captain Newman, M.D., is one of thosc 
pictures for "everybody" — а few tears, 
а litle laughter, а liule grimness, a little 
uplift. Newnan is а neuropsychiatrist at 
an Air Force base during World War I1, 
and if you don't think he's self-sacrilicing 
to the point of exhaustion, doggedly 
right when his superior is stupidly 
wrong, humble when he's praised, able to 
take а joke... well, then maybe this isn’t 
for you, Set in Newman's ward, the film 
swings in regular rhythm from happy 
scenes to sad scenes and back again: the 
ones he cures, the ones he can't cure, the 
one he cures who returns to combat and 
gets killed. Wooden Gregory Peck makes 
Newman а hickory doc. His chief. nurse 
is Angie Dickinson, whose presence on 
ıny real funny farm would be most 
settling. Eddie Albert is convincing 
as a colond who cracks up under 
command pressure. Tony Curtis, 
jolly gypper named Corporal Laibowitz, 
has a lot of surefire laughs and sure 
fires them. And — mirabile dictu, if we 
may say so — there's а hair-raiser 
hysteria scene by Bobby Darin. Under 
truth serum and on a couch Darin recalls 
a gruesome plane cash — it's а show- 
stopper. Leo Rosten's best seller forgot, 
on the way 10 the screen, that its hero 
was Jewish, but director David Miller 
compensated by baking it all into a 
rly tasty, if somewhat soggy, Knish. 
Peter O'Toole, last se 
the kingly Englishman, is now Henry, the 
English king, in the film version of Jean 
Anouilh’s international success, Becket. 
(An off-camera slice of boudoir horse- 
play, In Bed with Becket, premiered in 


of a 


n as Lawrence, 


PLAYBOY last month.) Since the title role 
nd since. 


is played by Richard Burton, 
the material is rich and the writ 
ate, the result ought to be fully 


Instead, it’ winner. In not too in- 
trusively glorious Technicolor, we follow 
the two fast 12th Century friends from 
their wining-wenching days together 
when Henry makes Becket his chancellor 
until — to rule the rebellious Church — 
he makes him the Archbishop of C: 
terbury. То both their surprises, Becket 
takes the post seriously and sacerdotally; 
and Henry is more chafed by thc 
Church than he was before. In 
end (and we're not spill 
since history 
Becket is murdered, then canonized, and 
Henry does penance at his tomb. Anouilh 
is not factually impeccable: Becket was 
a Norman, not a Saxon collaborator, and 
he was 15 years older than. Henry. Also, 
some of the mots sound more Montpar- 

But as a drama of a 
man without honor who finally finds it in 
"the honor of God." the play — merely 
condensed by Edward Anhalt for the 
screen— has many moving moments. 
Peter Glenville, though по master. d 
rector, docs better with the script on 
an he did on stage, and Sir John 
ad makes а brilliant brief appear 
as the Fr 


the 


asse than mediev 


ance ich 


g- O'Toole here 
reveals presence and power, particularly 
vocal. and when Burton isn't slecpwalk- 
ing, he's an eminently able actor. 


RECORDINGS 


Jimmy Witherspoon / Baby, Baby, Baby (Pres- 

е) is the blues, man. Whether its 
tinged with sophistication as in Ellin 
ton's Rocks in Му Bed or just pk 
gully-low blues shouting as on Blues and 
Trouble, it’s still basic indigo, a métier 
that "Spoon" practically owns. Instru- 
mental accompaniment rauges from 
Flügelhorn to harmonica to tambourine 
— all apropos. 


beck Quartet with Orchestra (Columbia) 
features Dave's compositions, with the 
xception of G Flat Theme composed by 
brother Howard who arranged and con- 
ducted the music for the entire sessio: 
The quartet, cradled in the lush confines 
of the orchestra, performs in perfect 
rapport with the larger group. Both 
Brubeck’s and Paul Desmond's impr: 
visations shine limpidl ist the show- 
case-velvet backdrops. 


Mose Allison Sings (Prestige) is another 
splendid example of Allison's nonvocal 
vocal style. То call his pipes untutored 
is to employ a euphemism. Nevertheless, 
Allison reaches you in his own way. Ac 
companying himself on piano, with bass 
and drums supplying rhythm, Mose 
works his way from blues such as The 
Seventh Son on to such 


nonstandard. 


23 


PLAYBOY 


24 


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standards as Ellington's Do Nothin’ Till 
You Hear from Me and Don't Get 
Around Much Anymore, to an original 


prison song, Parchman Farm. 


Michel Legrand / Bond Ploys Richard 
Rodgers (Philips) takes us through 11 
melodies from the composer's illustrious 
hit parade, Dressed up in Legrand ar- 
rangements—charts which are delight- 
fully free of musical clichés — the likes 
of Bali Hai, There's a Small Hotel and 
My Funny Valentine have a fresh appeal. 
A top-drawer selection of jazz talent 
makes up the king-sized band and adds 
considerably to the outing. 


A swinging singer for all seasons, Joe 
Willioms ot Newport ‘63 (Victor) just about 
broke up that ја ев. This vinylizing 
preserves the very “up” Mr. Williams for 
. With a stellar group. behind 
Terry, Howard McGhee, 
Coleman Hawkins, Zoot Sims — Joe leaps 
into the fray on Without a Song and 
doesn't let go till the last bars of Roll em 
Pete tag off the recording. In between are 
such delights as Every Day and April in 
Paris. 


Music from the Court ond Chopel of Henry 
Vill (Vox) is sung by the Société de la 
Chorale Bach de Montreal, under the 
direction of George Little, and played by 
the Consort of Viols, directed by Otto 
Joachim. The secular and liturgical 
music of 16th Century England, airy and 
charming on one band, stately and som- 
ber on the other, is presented with verve 
and dignity. 


Gerry Mulligon / Night Lights (Philips) is 
Mulligan and five friends — including 
such luminaries as Art mer, Jim Hall 
and Bob Brookmeyer— being quietly 
persuasive in a session that's made for 
late-hour listening. Gerry's baritone sax 
and piano (on the title tune) lead the 
way through orig 
diversities as Morning of the Carnival 
from Black Orpheus, and Chopin’s Pre- 
lude in Е Minor. In all, 30 minutes of 
superb soft sell. 


15 and such musical 


The burgeoning field of commercially 
oriented Gospel singing has produced 
some harrowing sounds on vinyl. It's all 
the more pleasurable, then, to hear the 
real thing. Clore Ward and Her Gospel Singers 
et the Village Gote (Vanguard) are fervent, 
exciting and as true as their pitch. We 
recommend their Something Got a Hold 
of Me as an outstanding example of 
Gospel according to Clara Ward; it is an 
aural experience. 


The Great Jazz Piano of Phineas Newborn Jr. 
(Contemporary) gives further evidence of 
the dramatic renascence of the рї 


past years, lacked the spark that 

es the first-rate from the also-ran. 
‘Aided on one side by bassist Leroy Vin- 
negar and drummer Milt Turner, and on 
the other by the Cannonball Adderley 
team of bassist Sam Jones and drummer 
Louis Hayes, Phineas glitters through a 
pair of originals, plus jazz classics such 
Ellington's Prelude to а Kiss, Monk's 

© Well, You Needn't and Bobby Timmons’ 
This Here. It looks like the “new” 
Newborn is here to stay. 


THEATER 


Courtroom dramas, like Punch-and- 
Judy shows, have their own special con- 
ventions. The ver should always be 
in doubt, the crucial evidence should be 
served up last, and the opposing teams 
should slap cach other around verbally 
as they lead up to two rousing summa- 
tions. A Case of Libel breaks the rules 
and forfeits suspense, but still manages 
to shoot off some legal sparks. This is 
a paper-thinly disguised re-retelling (by 
Henry Denker) of Quentin Reynolds’ 
libel suit against Westbrook Pegler — 
most recently celebrated by lawyer 
Louis Nizer in his best-selling My Life 
in Court. From the start it is obvious 
that the Reynolds character (a liberal 
ex-war correspondent called Dennis 
Corcoran) will sue the Pegler character 
(right-wing calumnist Boyd Bendix) for 
„ among other things, a 
immoral, yellow-bellied de- 
generate,” and that Nizer (called Robert 
Sloane) will counsel—and win. A 
Gase of Libel is a primer case, but 
it holds attention because it obeys 
one law of courtship: There are slashing 
dashes between resolute, upstanding, 
tricky Sloane (Van Heflin) and calm, 
» self-defeating Bendix (Larry 
tes). When out of court, Libel plods 
instead of plots, but the play, like the 
сизе, is settled in court, and there some 
exciting exhibits are placed in evidence. 
At the Longacre, 220 West 48th Street. 


Macy's department store has furnished 
Meredith Willson's Here's Love with cos- 
tumes and publicity, and no wonder. 
This musical, based on the sappy, soapy 
1917 movie Miracle on 34th Street, is 
definitely pro-Macy's. It is also pro- 
Christmas, pro-parades, pro-little chil- 
dren and pro-the U.S. Marines. In the 
be; „ the hero (Laurence Nai- 
smith) is the department-store Santa who 
thinks he's the real McClaus, and the 
villain is the mother who has convinced 
her daughter not to believe in anything, 
except maybe Macy's where mother hires 
and fires Santas. In the end everyone is 
a hero: a bachelor Marine (Craig Ste- 
vens), who really likes the little girl next 


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door (Valerie Lee) for herself and not 
for her sexy, divorced mother (Janis 
Paige); the mother, who learns to believe 
in the little old toymaker in the sky; and 
even the Messrs. Macy and Gimbel, who 
kiss and tell shoppers to buy at each 
other's stores. Meredith Willson's score 
js mainly Music Man leftovers. What this 
goodygood show needs is а Scroog 
Fred Gwynne, Officer Muldoon of tele- 
vision’s Car 54, Where Ате You?, tries 
to be one as a Macy's underling who 
doesn’t believe the customer is ever right; 
at the mention of Gimbel’s or Santa, he 
crumples like a burnt moth. But the 
Christmas cards are stacked against him. 
At the Sam 5. Shubert, 225 West 44th. 
Carson McCullers' novelette, The Ballad 
of the Sad Café, is an eerie fable about 
the distortions of love in a desolate South- 
ern hamlet. A lecherous rogue lov 
man mountain of a woman who loves a 
hunchbacked dwarf who loves the rogue. 
‘The woman, Miss Amelia, converts her 
general store into a café for the sake of 
the dwarf, who wants to be at the center 
of things, and he repays her by helping 
the rogue, Marvin Macy, vanquish her 
in a brutal wrestling match. In his stage 
adaptation, Edward Albce has been scru- 
pulous about giving authoress McCullers 
top billing, and justifiably so. This is not 
so much а play as a dramatization of a 
minor classic. It is absolutely faithful to 
the book, down to the wrestlers greased 
with hog fat, so faithful that it includes 
whole swallows of pure McCullers, lov- 
ingly recited by a mellifluous narrator. 
АП this is to Albee's credit as a collabo- 
rator, but it leaves much of the drama 
curiously undramatized. As a playwright, 
Albee is most successful when he hokls 
to McCullers' spirit but uses the Albee 
letter? Marvin's sheepish proposal of 
mavriag , her casual а 
nee, her dismissal of him from their 
marital bed, and, most theatrical of all, 
Marvin's outrage, a horrible mixture of 
the deepest love and the blackest hate. 
Lou Antonio, who plays Marvin, is 
bloodcurdlingly cflective in this scene, 
as are most of the actors throughout, 
particularly Colleen Dewhurst, awesome 
as the awful Miss Amelia, and dwarf 
Michael Dunn as the malevolent, oppor- 
tunistic manipulator of this grotesque 
triangle. For theatergoers, Ballad is a 
seriocurio worth watching. For Albee, 
it is what might be called a side step in 
the right direction. At the Martin Beck, 
302 West 45th Street. 


After a whirlwind six days at the Plaza, 
Honeymooners Paul and Corie Brauer 
check into their first apartment, a fifth- 
floor walk-up (sixth-floor if you count 
the stoop, which, aul pants, “looks 
like a stoop but it climbs like a flight"). 
Corie (Elizabeth. Ashley) is kookie. She 
likes to walk Barefoot in the Pork in thc 


| 


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А Correspondence Institution 


PLAYBOY 


middle of winter. Paul (Robert Red- 
ford) is proper. He presses his ties in a 
было and totes the garbage down- 

іп a suitcase. The apartment they 
АЕ (overlooea ena he 
plumbing runs backward. The skylight 
le at happens in this 


snowdrifts. W 
batty flat in the course of three acts is 
short on plot, high on humor. Corie's 
widowed mother (Mildred Мим) 
long enough to be matched with 
the broke bon vivant (Kurt Kasznar) 
who lives vet one more flight upstairs, 

¢ innocents are led off by 
cpicurean expedition into the 
of Armenian food and drink 
ch doesn't give you a headache, but 
you won't be able to make a fist for three 


5 NFET za 
CONFET TERED 


f days”). Corie cats up and drinks in every 
3 minute of it. Paul just gets sick. They 
3 / fight, split, and make up (“Even when 1 
We, the Daroffs, tailors of didn't like you, T loved you"). Neil Si- 
Philadelphia, have applied mon, who wrote Come Blow Your Horn, 
our Personal Touch to these dreamed up this very merry go-round 


and his lines are 
nd in character, 
re consistently un- 
слег. As director in 
exits and funny 


of the marriage game, 
consistently ungage 
the actors 
my and in cl 
ge of entrance 
stage, Mike Nichols proves 
himself the resident comic genius in the 
apartment. At the Biltmore, 261 West 
47th Street. 


handsome sport coats. 
Devoid of false padding 
and fripperies, they are cut 
from specially loomed 
cloths, with a rugged look. 
However, their subtlety of 
color makes them appro- 
priate for town as well as 
for country wear. Light in 
weight and in appearance. 
Natural Gentleman sport 
coats $39.95 to $65.00. 
Compatible slacks $16.95 
to $22.95. (slightly higher 
in the West.) 


Yu 


The surest way for a musical to avoid 
the Broadway bugaboo, book trouble, 
would seem to be to take a hit comedy 
like The Rainmaker and put music to 
it, which is what the creators of 110 in the 
Shade have done — with the surprising 
result that the worst thing about this 
musical is its book. Perhaps N. Richard 
Nash’s libretto of his own story makes 
Cinderella seem li е of muck- 
raking. The seuing xas version 
of Olilaloma!, and some of its corn is 
as high as an elephants eye. There's a 
The standard greet 
"Howdy" but “Any sign of rai 
the parched town sweeps Starbuck, the 
rainmaker (Robert Horton). He bam- 
boozles the rubes into believing that he 
can supply instant rain, and hornswoggles 


‘BOTANY’ 500° 


Tailored by DAROFF 
of Philadelphia 


a раї Swen- 
son) E > me 
trick, consid Swenson is 1 


tiful to begin with. She ties her long 
golden tresses up in a tight bun 
galumphs about like Judy Canova, but 
anyone with сусѕ can see through the d 
guise. In the transformation scene, Star- 
buck lets down her hair, and she feels 
pretty all over. The best thing about 110 
its score by Harvey Schmidt and Tom 
. lilting and sometimes 
witty, but nothing really lovely. It fi 
nally does rain real rain, but that doesn't 
wash away the show's troubles. At the 
Broadhurst, 235 West 44th Street. 


(The Cradle of Freedom in Men’s Wear) 


For the name of a nearby dealer, 
write: H. Daroff & Sons, Inc., 
2300 Walnut Street, Phila. 3, Pa. 
(Asubsidiary of Botany Industries.) 


Sanitized® for Hygienic Freshness 


THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 


Wl, пса» and I have had a slight 
disagreement over the frequency with 
which a normal male can achieve satis 
faction in one night. I've heard cohorts 
boast of amazing physical powers, and 
I've often thought that perhaps 1 fall 
short. Try as I may, І can only experi- 
ence seven orgasms, and then must quit 


because of physical exhaustion, even 
though my partner is willing and able 
to continue research. Should [ take 


а bodybuilding course? —L.N., San 
Francisco, Californi: 
Take onc? You should be giving one. 


How much income docs one need to 
der investing in tax-free municipal 
bonds instead of common stocks or 
ngs bonds? —R. A, Reno, Neva 

If you pay an income tax, municipal 
bonds can offer advantages no matter 
what your bracket; however, they become 
more and more attractive as income in- 
creases. If your taxable income is, say, 
$16,000-818,000, your tax bracket is 50 
percent and you'll necd to find а com- 
mon stock paying а hefty $ percent to 
equal the tax-free return you'd receive 
from a 4-percent municipal bond. When 
your income reaches, say, $50,000- 
$60,000, you're in the 75-percent bracket, 
where it would take a common-stock in- 
vestment returning no less than 16 per- 
cent to equal the return on the same 
{percent municipal, which, besides be- 
ing tax-exempt, і od. bit safer than 
the majority of stocks. 


con 


You may find this a little difficult to 
believe, but Fm throwing a cocktail 
party next month to which I plan to in- 
vite at least half a dozen young things 
who I know have rarely, if ever, taken 
a drink, If it's proper, I'd like to offer 
wine in addition to cocktails. I'd appre- 
ciae your suggestions. — N. L., 
pingers Falls, New York. 

Assuming that all thc girl scouts in the 
troop arc at least 18, we do find it a little 
difficult to believe. However, as a substi- 
tute for cocktails you can serve chilled 
dry sherry, dry champagne, от even a dry 
white wine such as mosclle. You might 
also stock up on milk, or consider finding 
а new half-dozen party dolls. 


AA wonderful girl 1 have been dat- 
ing has only one serious fault — self- 
deprecation. Whenever our conversation 
touches on a desi 
nature, she immed s thar she 
lacks that trait. intelligence, 
popularity — she denies she them. 
‘The fact is, she has them in abundance. 
Why docs she do this? Is she a masochist, 


or is she downgrading her company 
through herself — N. F., Labrador City, 
‘ewfoundland. 

Your girl is probably just fishing for 
compliments with a variety of self-efiac- 
ing hooks, a hobby common among fe- 
males of all ages. If so, a little sincere 
flattery will help — the little creatures lap 


it up. 


Wc always thought that the entree was 
the main course of a meal. A friend of 
mine says no, t it's the course that 
immediately precedes the main one. 
Who's right? — T. L, Los Angeles, Cal 
ilornia. 

He is. The entree, usually a fish or 
fowl dish, is served right before the main 
course —called the plat de résistance. 


Mt you guys can solve this one you're 
wizards indeed. I'm а young (32) junior 
exec in а medium-sized off-Mad Ave ad- 
vertising agency. I have a fine job, with a 
good salary and a promising future. My 
boss has n a shine to me, and fre- 
quently invites me to parties at his place. 
1 enjoy the boss’ friendship — and deem 
my auendance at these affairs vital to 
my future prospects with the firm, The 
problem is his wife. She's a little younger 
than Гат, and some 25 years his junior. 
I noticed her giving me the eye several 
months ago, but thought nothing of it. 
‘Then, on the first evening the boss in- 
vited me, unaccompanied, for dinner, 
she was all over me the minute he left 
the room. 1 had to physically disengage 
her (gently, of course) and barely man- 
ged this before the boss returned with 
the drinks. Since then I've been invited 
back twice for more of the sime. Be- 
lieve me, it’s an ordeal, which her at- 
uactiveness only compounds. I'm not 
down on extracurricular activities, but 
this one gives me chills. Please tell me 
how I can turn this woman off (without 
offending her, of course, since she could 
kil my chances at work) so that my 
friendship with my employer, and my 
prospects for advancement, cin continue 
to flourish. — J. S., New York, New York. 

Next time the boss asks you over, tell 
him you have a date that night, and ask 
if you can bring her with you. Since a 
couple and a half is an odd number for 
dinner, this request is reasonable enough. 
Then pick your favorite girl—one you 
know will get along with the boss — and 
make sure she stays on your arm all 
sening. Repeat this treatment as many 
different times as necessary. It shouldn't 
take too long for the wife to get the 
message, and it will keep her away from 
you until she does. 


ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN 
WHEN YOU WEAR 


PARFUM DE CORDAY 


Dies PARFUME CORDAY INC 29 


PLAYBOY 


ле taxes 
M! 
> 


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ALSO AVAILABLE IN CANAOA 


Wu be spending spring and сапу s 
mer abroad, and though I don't part 


u- 
larly look forward to it. I've been told 


by many friends that if 1 don't go to 
Spain and take in a bullfight my wip 
will have been wasted. Can you give me 
some dates and places? — M. O., Denver. 
Colorado. 

The bullfight scason in Spain runs 
from April through Octobcr, so you have 
а wide range of dates from which 1o 
pick. Most of the best corridas take place 
in Madrid, especially during the San 
Isidro [айт in May. You can also sce ex 
cellent fights during fair week in Seville, 
beginning April 18th, and in Pamplona 
you can watch the bulls run through the 
streets before the fights on July 7th. 


Here are two poker terms that aren't 
in the dictionary: I heard them in a 
game I got caught in recently: “Blaze 
and “Big Dog.” Meanings, please? — 
P. S., Monroc, Louisiana. 

They're both straight poker terms, and 
to avoid getting caught again we suggest 
you head for Hoyle instead of Webster 
1 “Blaze” is any hand consisting en 
tively of face cards; a "Big Dog" is just 
that — a five-card hand with ace high and 
nine low, but no pair — a near miss 
that’s as good as a mile. 


ДА British chap I know м 
shoes in the lighter shades with sports 
clothes. 15 this proper?— A. K., Cleve- 
land, Ohio. 

vH its fre erem epe gue 
and buch shoes, even with suits. but the 
trend im the U.S. has been toward 
smooth-leather footwear, and we 
wouldn't advise you to try to buck it. 
But for informal weekend wear, these 
shoes are perfectly acceptable 


ДА friend of mine says that most Euro- 
pean wines — even the best — come from 
transplanted American grapevines. Is 
this true? If so, where can I go to taste 
—G. An 


ars buckskin 


some real nondomestic win 
Newark, New Jersey 

Your friend is correct. In the 19th 
Century, an American vine disease called 
phylloxera was transplanted to Europe 
and began devastating Continental vine 
yards. The only sure preventive has 
been to graft European grapes onto тс 
sistant American stocks, and over the 
years this treatment has been exi 


ended 
to include almost every vineyard in Ew 
rope. There are still isolated pockets of 
vines untouched by the disease, among 
the most famous of these vineyards are 
those in the Rhine region, which pro 
duces an earthy wine (Licbfrauenstifr) 
from old. ungrafted Reisling vines. How 
ever, connoisseurs generally agree that 
improved growing techniques now mean 
wines from grafted vines are superior to 


those from the pure stock. Wines of 
Western Australia are all. unphylloxer- 
ated, but you'll have to go there to taste 
them, since they're virtually unobtain- 
able in the U.S. 


The girl Гус been dating for the past 
usually Keeps me waiting some 
considerable time while she's getting 
ready for our date. Over the past weeks 
her stepmother, who is separated (and 
just 12 years older than her step- 
daughter), has become fı 
. Recently she suggested that 
her one evening when her step- 
daughter is out with a girlfriend. I have 
а good thing going with the girl, and 
woutdn't like to hurt that relationship: 
but I find the mother as attractive as the 
daughter and wonder if you think I can 
burn my candle at both ends. — J. M., 
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. 

If the gal ever learned you were hav- 
ing an affair with her stepmother, it 
would not only hurt your relationship, 
but would — in all likelihood viously 
damage theirs as well. Stick with the 
daughter, and let Mom make her own 
friends. 


adlier and 


п the past, some of the parties Tve 
thrown have been so successful that it 
has taken Herculean efforts to 
the guests on th 
ture reference, сап you st 
method to speed the gu 
too long after the stated departure time? 
—L.K., Mincola, New York. 

We don’t look favorably on parties 
with а “stated departure time,” and, so 
it seems, neither do your guests. Most 
successful parties have a way of resolving 
themselves naturally, without any prod- 
ding by the host. H 
10 dry up the hangerson is to close the 
bay and suggest that everyone go out for 
breakfast. 


гост, one sure way 


recently spied a Bugatti bea 
national registration leter 
nd 1 have h: 


in 
Since then my date 
диттеп ov 


running what country this 
designates — she says Switzerland. and 1 
say Spain. Who's right? — S. L., Fairfield, 
Connecticut, 

Neither of you. "S" on the standard 
black-and-white | international registra- 
tion plaque stands for Sweden. The ini- 
tials for Switzerland ате “CH,” and Spain 
is designated by “E.” As you can see, 
many international registration. leiters 
are not as straightforward as the common 
"GB" (Great Britain) or “F” (France). 
A few other stumpers; "SF" — Finland; 
L” — Liechtenstein; and “GBZ” — 
ibraltar. 


The Scene is Set. 
We Have the Music. 
The Rest is Up to You. 


LN 24061/BN 26061* 


LN 24080/BN 26080* 
LN 24079/BN 26079* 


A quick flick of the hi-fi and you have instant coziness. Play Hackett. 
Bobby's sensationa! horn sets a sultry scene with such Mancini fa- 
vorites as “Moon River," “Days of Wine and Roses." Or such Kaemp- 
fert swingers as "Danke Schoen," "Afrikean Beat." Play Maharis. 
His voice fliris through such mood-makers as "Make Yourself 
Comfortable," "Make Love to Me." "Try a Little Tenderness.” 


SKILL. 


Е 


А FULL CIRCLE OF MUSIC AND SOUND 


*SlereO  x-tiC- Marca Ret. TM. PRINTED IN USA. p 


31 


PLAYBOY 


32 


INSTANT 
MILDNESS 


yours with 


y Yello-Bole 


Imported briar bowl guaranteed 
against burn-out for life. 


Bench made from bit to bowl 
Aristocrat is one of the world 
great smokes. Pre-caked with a new 
formula honey lining, that assures 
mildness and easy “break-in.” Only 
$5 in a variety of shapes. Other 
Yello-Boles $1.95 and up. 


Free Booklet tells how to smoke a pipe; shows shapes, 
write: YELLO-BOLE PIPES, INC., N.Y. 22, Dept. Y1. 
By the mokers of KAYWOODIE 


Ob a recent ten-day cruise my com- 
panion апа I were unable to get a table 
for two and found ourselves placed w 
four strangers. І enjoy a 
over dinner, and felt rather antiso 
not offering to share same with our 
tablemates. But I reasoned that offering 
to share would have placed them under 
obligation to reciprocate, when they 
actually might not wish to do so. I'm 
planning a similar cruise shortly, and 
Га like to know if I goofed. — D. Q., 
Los Angeles, California. 

You did. You felt rather antisocial 
because, after all, refusing lo share wine 
with four tablemates is rather an anti 
social act. When the table is small 
enough to permit easy conversation 
among all guests, you should offer your 
wine around. If your hospitality is ac- 
cepted, your tablemates will reciprocate 
in kind at a later meal. £f rejected, no 
obligations ате incurred, and you and 
your companion can proceed to imbibe 
guiltlessly. In either. case, the result is 
good will —rather than unpleasant aft 
erthoughts. 


FRewurning home on the train recently, 
I met a good-looking young lady and v 
to a discussion which led to a few 
. We parted at the 
a of meeting again, but. before I 
bad a chance to call her, she called me — 
that very night. She said she was lor 
id wanted to come over. Tw min- 
utes later she arrived at my pad, tooth- 
brush in hand. This has been going on 
now and then for six months. In the 
sack she’s without peer, but conversa- 
tionally she's а real cipher. 
beginning to talk marriage, but of course 
this is out of the question. Is there any 
way I can preserve the slatus quo? — 
L.F., Montreal, Quebec. 

Assuming you don't wish to keep the 
affair going indefinitely, you сап post- 
pone the inevitable by keeping her mind 
off the subject of marriage. Most girls 
like to think of themselves as Canadian 
Mounties, and the illusion of a chase 
might keep her on the trail for many 
more months. Bear in mind, though, that 
conflicting goals mean the relationship 
will eventually dissolve. When that hap- 
pens, take another train trip. 


station with 


w she's 


All reasonable questions — from fash- 
ion, food and drink, hi-fi and sports cars 
10 dating dilemmas, taste and etiquette 
—will be personally answered if the 
writer includes a stamped, self-addressed 
envelope. Send all letters to The Playboy 
Advisor, Playboy Building, 232 E. Ohio 
Street, Chicago, Hlinois 60611. The most 
provocative, pertinent queries will be 
presented on these pages each month. 


... for 
SLIDES 
& SOUND 


NATURE 
LOVERS... 


Built-in automatic syn- 
chronizer advances 
slides; coordinates them 
with commentary of 
music. 


DICTATION... 


Record nature sounds. 
Set on auto operation. 
Sound starts and stops 
it automatically. 


SECRET 
RECORDINGS . 


For investigations, inter- 
rogations, gathering of 
evidence. Works unat- 
tended. Voice starts and 
stops it. 


Use voice operation or 
remote-control micro- 
phone. Dictate anywhere 
— office, home or on the 
road. 


MUSIC WHEREVER YOU СО... e 


Enjoy music at the beach, on your boat, anywhere. 
Play commercial tapes or your own sele 
radio ог records. 


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Automatic Voice-Operated 
Portable Tape Recorder! 


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You'll find all sorts of “hands-free” uses for 
Concord's amazing portable 330 — applications 
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don't even have to be there. Sound starts it; 
sound stops it. Just set it and forget it! L1 The 
330 is packed with features : automatic slide 
projector advance; automatic Synctrol for home 
movies; automatic self-threading too! Up to 

6 hours playing time on 5" reels; 2 speeds; VU 
meter/battery life indicator and an optional 

AC adaptor. C See your Concord dealer right 
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Other Models to $450.00. 

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809 N. Cahuenga Bivd., Dept. D, Los Angeles 38, Calif 
price slightly higher In Canada 


PLAYBOY'S INTERNATIONAL DATEBOOK 


BY PATRICK CHASE 


THE MONTH OF MAY affords a splendi 
chance to shake out those land legs and 
enjoy an aquatic vacation. The Carib- 
bean — so close to the U. S. and offering 
economy in both moncy and time — is 
vitation to a jet-borne weekend or 
an unhurried itinerary of island hop- 


ping. The little-known British Vir 


Islands (notably Virgin Gorda, Virgin 
Bank and Anegada’s Horseshoe Сау 
just а few miles northeast of the Ameri 
can Virgins, lure visitors with spectacular 
fishing that includes blue mar 

nd sailfish. Other facets of 
ater sporting are found on neighbor- 
ing Virgin reefs, where the specialties are 
swimming, sailing and beachcomi 
Confirmed scuba and snorkel buffs frolic 
from dawn to sunset in the cerulean surf 
surrounding the six-acre Virgin islet, Ma- 
rina Сау, or they stay completely water- 
borne aboard the seventy-foot ketch, Pas 
de Loup, which makes a ten-day run from 
Grenada through a sparsely inhabited 
chain of diminutive islands. The $200 
rate includes food, rum and unlimited 
use of skindiving gear off the exotic trop- 
ical reels. Guests really get the feel of the 
sca, since theyre expected to pitch in 
with the sailing of the vessel (one rc 
son for the inexpensive tab). For those 
sea lovers who would rather be served 
than serve, a shorter, more luxurious run 
from Grenada to Barbados is available 
aboard the Carlotta, а 100-foot luxury 
schooner. The 5175 tab includes food, 
liquor, cigarettes and aqualung equip- 
ment. 

If sportive feats are not your fare, you 
may make your vacation waterbound 
without wetting а toe by taking adv 
tage of the short boat trips that add a 
richly leisured change of pace to a Euro- 


pean tour. These are available through- 
out the but they're most rewardir 
at scason's start, in May, when the cou 
tryside the stewards sharper 


and the passengers posher than at the 
height of the tourist season. In some cases 
you can put your car aboard and com- 
bine land roving with water winging. 
This combination makes the trip from 
Paris to the Riviera, along the scc 
Route Bleu, for example, parti 
diverting. Or. park your car in Nantes, 
and take the five-day run down the Le 
through the celebrated French. château 
country, by way of Chenonceaux, Am- 
boise, Tours, Chambord and Blois. 
Equally enticing are the scenic tours 
aboard the Bateaux-mouches that ply 
the Seine through Paris. Other runs out 
of Paris include round trips along both 
the Seine and Oise rivers through Van 


Gogh country to Auverssur-Oise and 
L'Isle Adam, and to medieval Bougival, 
Conflans, and other villages of the Ga 
margue. While in Paris, put your feet on 
the ground long enough to sample some 
of the opera, ballet, drama, folk singing 
and dancing at the Eleventh Interna- 
1 Theater Festival late in May. 

Gastronomic river tours, so called be- 
cause of the loving care devoted to the 
ships oversize cuisines, are conducted 
from Antwerp to Rotterdam along curv- 
ing inland waterways. In Italy, you can 
make an agreeable combination land- 
water journey—like the elegant river 
cruise through the network of lagoons 
and canals between Venice and Padua, 
the highlight of the trip. id offers, 
in addition to regular runs оп the 
‘Thames toward Oxford, the opportunity 
to blend high-spirited cruisi with low 
flying nner of speaking), aboard 
novel hovercraft. Riding on a cushion of 
air, these futuristic craft zip across the 
ry of the Dee River from Wallasey 
г Liverpool) to Rhyl (in Wales) at 60 
knots. Similar to the hovercraft are hy- 
drafoil vessels, whose hulls are lifted 
above the water on subsurface win 
they make ferry runs at speeds of about 
40 knots along the French and Italian 
Rivieras from Cannes to San Remo, Nice, 
Menton and Monte Carlo. They also 
connect Naples with the Isle of Capri, 
Athens with the island of Hydra, and 
they whiz through Scandinavia's breath- 
taking fiords and the great looming 
North Cape. 

Travelers who like their be 
eU sire GENET nay) cane Га 
look into the German raft journeys along. 
the заг and Salzach rivers. Measuring 60 
by 23 feet, these giant rafts carry а com- 
nionable complement of passengers 
plus a brass band for dancing. Less com- 
modious and more strenuous are the 
plethora of canoe excursions for Wasser- 
wandern (water hikers), also in Germany. 
Seven hundred canoc clubs rent equip 
ment and supply information for runs 
along the Rhine, Main, Moselle and Isar, 
as well as many smaller rivers and canals. 
If you're lucky enough to be floating 
along the Isar during May, be sure to 
make the side excursion into the Danube 
to Krems— where a dollar buys you 
sampling rights to 250 different kinds 
of wine at the Austrian Spring Wine 
Fair. There arc few better ways to climax 

ing spring VacRUo 

For further information on any of the 
above, write to Playboy Reader Serv 
ice, 232 E. Ohio St., Chicago, 111.6061 1. EB 


ng with 


Neither. 
Not liquor. Who ever saw 
liquor with a head on it? 


Not beer. Who ever 
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BALTIMORE 11, мр. 


nor mv: AY N RAND 


a candid conversation with the fountainhead of “objectivism” 


Ayn Rand, an intense, angry young 
woman of 58, is among the most 
outspoken — and important — intellectual 
voices in America today. She is the 
author of what is perhaps the most 
fiercely damned and admired best seller 
of the decade: “Atlas Shrugged,” which 
has sold 1,200,000 copies since its publi- 
cation six years ago, and has become one 
of the most talked-about novels in the 
country. Ayn Rand discussion clubs dot 
college campuses. Professors debate her 
ideas in their classrooms. Мете than 2500 
people in 30 cities from New York to 
Los Angeles attend courses given by the 
Nathaniel Branden Institute, in which 
they listen to live speakers and taped 
lectures expounding the principles set 
forth in the book. Thousands more sub- 
scribe to “The Objectivist Newsletter,” a 
monthly publication in which Miss Rand 
and her associates comment on every- 
thing from economics to aesthetics. And 
sales of her previous best seller, “The 
Fountainhead,” have climbed to almost 
the 2,000,000 mark. 

That any novel should set off such a 
chain reaction is unusual; that “Atlas 
Shrugged” has done so is astonishing. 
For the book, a panoramic novel about 
what happens when the “men of the 
mind” go on strike, is 1168 pages long. 
It is filled with lengthy, sometimes com- 
plex philosophical passages; and it is 
brimming with as many explosively un- 


popular ideas as Ayn Rand herself. 
Despite this success, the literary establish- 
ment considers her an outsider. Almost 
10 а man, critics have either ignored 
or denounced the book. She is an 
exile among philosophers, too, although 
“Atlas” is as much а work of philosophy 
as it is a novel. Liberals glower at the 
very mention of her name; but conserva- 
tives, too, swallow hard when she begins 
to speak. For Ayn Rand, whether anyone 
likes it or not, is sui generis: indubitably, 
irrevocably, intransigently individual. 

She detests the drift of modern Ameri- 
can society: She doesn’t like its politics, 
its economics, its attitudes toward sex, 
women, business, art or religion. In 
short, she declares, with unblinking im- 
modesty, “I am challenging the cultur- 
al tradition of two-and-a-half-thousand 
years.” She means it. 

A dark-haired woman with penetrating 
brown eyes and a computer-quick mind, 
Ayn (rhymes with mine) Rand was born 
10 the family of a small businessman in 
St. Petersburg, Russia, where she lived 
through the Sovict Revolution. She at- 
tended the University of Leningrad, 
loathing communism and its philosophy. 
In 1926 she managed to leave the 
U.S. S. R., stayed for a few months with 
distant relatives in Chicago, then moved 
on to Hollywood. She had always wanted 
to be a writer, Since her command of 
English was somewhat less than adequate 


for writing fiction, she found a job pre- 
paring outlines for silent movies, as she 
went about mastering her new language. 
Between bouts of unemployment, she 
worked as а movie exira, waitress, news- 
paper subscription salesgirl and studio 
wardrobe-department clerk. 

Then, in 1936, she completed her first 
novel, "We the Living"—an attack. on 
totalitarianism, set in Soviet Russia — 
which drew little notice. Two years later 
she finished “Anthem,” a short novel 
about a society in which the word “1” 
has been extirpated in favor of the col- 
lectivist “we.” It was not until five years 
and twelve publishers’ rejections later 
that her first commercially successful 
book, “The Fountainhead,” appeared; 
the slory of an architect's battle for his 
oum individualily, it became a national 
best seller, and was later made into a 
movie. 

For nearly а decade after that, 
Miss Rand struggled to write “Atlas 
Shrugged,” which she views not merely 
as a novel, but as the crystallization of 
а philosophy aimed at nothing less than 
reversing the entire direction of change 
in America — turning society toward a 
state of pure laissez-faire capitalism, even 
purer than that which existed during the 
19th Century. But her philosophy — 
which she calls "Objectruism"— encom- 
passes more than economics or politics: 
Primarily, it sets forth a new hind of 


“Objectivist ethics holds that man exists 
for his own sake, that the pursuit of his 
own happiness is his highest moral 
purpose, that he must not sacrifice him- 
self to others, nor others to himself.” 


“A sexual relationship is proper only on 
the ground of the highest values in a 
human being. That is why 1 consider 
promiscuity immoral. Not because sex 
is evil, but because sex is too good.” 


т, as an intellectual power 
and а moral ideal, is dead. But freedom 
and individualism, and their political 
expression, capitalism, have not yet been 
discovered.” 


35 


PLAYBOY 


36 


ethics which she defines us а morality of 
rational self-interest. 

Today, Ayn Rand lives in a modest 
apartment in the Eas! Thirties of Man- 
hattan with her artist husband, Frank 
O'Connor. She is planning another novel 
and working on a long-range nonfiction 
project — а book on epistemology, the 
theory of knowledge. Though her prog- 
ress on both projects is interrupted by a 
demanding schedule of speaking engage- 
ments around. the country, most of her 
working hours, and her considerable en- 
ergies, are spent in the small blue-green 
study where she docs most of her writing 
— entirely in longhand. 

In a series of intellectually electric 
conversations with PLAYBOY'S interviewer, 
Alvin Toffler, Miss Rand spoke clearly 
and urgently about her work and her 
views. Answering question after question 
with a clipped, even delivery, her deep 
voice cdged with a Russian accent, she 
paused only long enough between words 
to puff on cigarettes held in a blueand- 
siluer holder (a gift from admirers) en- 
graved with her initials, the names of 
the three heroes of "Atlas Shrugged,” 
and а number of diminutive dollar signs. 
The dollar sign, in “Atlas Shrugged,” is 
the symbol of “free trade and, therefore, 
of a free mind.” 


PLAYBOY: M Rand, your novels and 
essays, especially your controversial best 
seller, Atlas Shrugged, present a care- 
fully engineered, internally consistent 
world view. They arc, in effect, the ex- 
pression of an all-encompassing philo- 
sophical system. What do you seek to 
accomplish with this new philosophy? 
RAND: I seek to provide men — or those 
who care to think — with an integrated, 
consistent and rational view of life. 
PLAYBOY. What arc thc basic premises 
of Objectivism? Where does it begin? 
RAND: It begins with the axiom that ex- 
istence exists, which means that 
objective reality exists independent of 
any perceiver or of the perceiver's emo- 
tions, feelings, wishes, hopes or fears. 
Objectivism holds that rea i 
only means of perce! 
only guide to action. By reason, I mean 
the faculty which identifies and inte- 
grates the material provided by man’s 
senses. 

PLAYBOY: In Atlas Shrugged your hero, 
John Galt, declares, “I swear— by my 
life and my love of it—that I will 
never live for the sake of another man, 
nor ask another man to live for mine.” 
How is this related to your basic prin- 
ciples? 
RAND: Gal's 
summation of t ethics. 
Any system of ethics is based on and 
derived, implicitly or explicitly, from 
a metaphysics. The ethic derived from 
the metaphysical base of Objectivism 
holds that, since reason is man’s basic 


еа 


aement is а dram. 
the Object 


tool of survival, rationality is his high- 
est virtue. To use his mind, to perceive 
reality and to act accordingly, is man’s 
moral imperative. The standard of value 
of the Objectivist ethics is: man's lil 
— man's survival qua тап ог that 
which the nature of a rational being 
requires for his proper survival. "The 
Objectivist ethics, in essence, hold that 
man exists for his own sake, that the 
pursuit of his own happines is his 
highest moral purpose, that he must not 
sacrifice himself to others, nor sacrifice 
others to himself. It is this last that 
Galt's statement summarizes. 

PLAYBOY: What kind of morality derives 
from this, in terms of the individual's 
behavior? 

RAND: This is presented in dei 
Atlas Shrugged. 

PLAYBOY: The heroine of Atlas Shrugged 
was, in your words, “completely inca 
pable of experiencing a feeling of funda- 
mental guilt.” Is any system of morality 
possible without guilt? 

RAND: The important word in the state- 
ment you quoted is "fundamenta 
Fundamental guilt docs not mean the 
ability to judge one's own actions and 
regret a wrong action, if one commits 
it. Fundamental guilt means that man 
is evil and guilty by nature. 

PLAYBOY: You mean original sin? 

RAND: Exactly. It is the concept of origi- 
nal sin that my heroine, or L or any 
Objectivist, is incapable of accepting 
or of ever experiencing emotionally. It 
is the concept of original sin that ne- 
gates morality If man is guilty by 
nature, he has no choice about it. If 
he has no choice, the issue does not be- 
long in the field of morality. Morality 
pertains only to the sphere of man’s 
free will — only to those actions which 
are open to his choice. To consider 
man guilty by nature is a contradiction 
in terms. My heroine would be capable 
of experiencing guilt about a specific 
action. Only, being a woman of high 
moral stature and self-esteem, she would 
see to it that she never earned any 
guilt by her actions. She would act in 
а totally moral manner and, therefore, 
would not accept ап uncarned guilt. 
PLAYBOY: In Ailas Shrugged, one of your 
leading characters is asked. “What's 
the most depraved type of human be- 
ing?" His reply is surprising: He doesn't 
say a sadist or a murderer or a sex maniac 
or a dictator; he says, “Тһе man without 
a purpose.” Yet most people seem to go 
through their lives without a clearly de- 
fined purpose. Do you regard them as 
depraved? 

RAND: Yes, to a certain extent, 

PLAYBOY: Why? 

RAND: Because that aspect of their charac 
ter lies at the root of and causes all 
the evils which you mentioned in your 
question. Sadism, dictatorship, any form 
of evil, is the consequence of a man's 


ail in 


evasion of reality. A consequence of his 
failure to think, The man without a 
purpose is a man who drifts at the 
mercy of random feelings or unidenti- 
ficd urges and is capable of any evil, 
because he is totally out of control of 
his own life. In order to be in control 
of your life, you have to have a pur- 
pose — а productive purpose. 

PLAYBOY: Weren't Hitler and Stalin, to 
name two tyrants, control of their 
own lives, and didn't they have a clear 
purpose? 

RAND: Certainly not. Observe that both 
of them ended as literal psychotics. 
They were men who lacked self-esteem 
and. therefore, hated all of existence. 
Their psychology, in effect, is summa- 
rized in Alas Shrugged by the character 
of James Taggart. The man who has no 
purpose, but has to act, acts to destroy 
others. That is not the same thing as 
a productive or creative purpose. 
PLAYBOY: If a person organizes his life 
around a single, neatly defined purpose, 
isn't he in danger of becoming extremely 
narrow in his horizons? 

RAND: Quite the contrary. A central 
purpose serves to integrate all the 
other concerns of a man’s life, It estab- 
lishes the hierarchy, the relative impor- 
tance, of his values, it saves him from 
pointless inner conflicts, it permits him 
to enjoy life on a wide scale and to 
carry that enjoyment into any area open 
to his mind; whereas a man without a 
purpose is lost in chaos. He does not 
know what his values are. He does not 
know how to judge. He cannot tell 
what is or is not important to him, 
and, therefore, he drifts helplessly at the 
mercy of any chance stimulus or any 
whim of the moment. He can enjoy 
nothing. He spends his life searching 
for some value which he will never find. 
PLAYBOY: Couldn't the attempt to rule 
whim out of life, to act in a totally ra- 
tional fashion, be viewed as conducive to 
а juiceless, joyless kind of existence? 
RAND: I truly must say that I don't know 
what you are talking about. Let's define 
our terms. Reason is man’s tool of 
knowledge, the faculty that enables him 
to perceive the facts of reality. To act 
rationally means to act in accordance 
with the facts of reality. Emotions are 
not tools of cognition. What you feel 
tells you nothing about the facts; it 
merely tells you something about your 
estimate of the facts. Emotions are the 
result of your value judgments; they 
are caused by your basic premises, which 
you may hold consciously or subcon- 
sciously, which may be right or wrong. 
A whim is an emotion whose cause you 
neither know nor care to discover. Now 
what docs it mean, to act on whim? It 
means that a acts like a zombi, 
without any knowledge of what he deals 
with, what he wants to accomplish, or 
what motivates him. It means that a 


man 


man acts in a state of temporary in- 
sanity. Is this what you call juicy or 
colorful? I think the only juice that 
can come out of such a situation is 
blood. To act against the facts of real- 
ity can result only in destruction. 
PLAYBOY: Should one ignore emotions 
altogether, rule them out of one’s life 
entirely? 

RAND: Of course not. One should merely 
keep them in their place. An emotion 
is an automatic response, an automatic 
effect of man's value premises, An effect, 
not a cause. There is no necessary dash, 
по dichotomy between man's reason 
and his emotions— provided he ob- 
serves their proper relationship. A ra- 
tional man knows — or makes it a point 
to discover —the source of his emo- 
tions, the basic premises from which 
they come; if his premises are wrong, 
he corrects them, He never acts on 
emotions for which he cannot account, 
the meaning of which he does not un- 
derstand. In appraising а situation, he 
knows why he reacts as he docs and 
whether he is right. He has no inner 
conflicts, d and his emotions 
are integrated, his consciousness is in 
perfect harmony. His emotions are not 
his encmics, they are his means of en- 
joying life, But they are not his guide; 
the guide is his mind. This relation- 
ship cannot be reversed. however. If 
a man takes his emotions as the cause 
and his mind as their passive effect, 
if he is guided by his emotions and 
uses his mind only to rationalize or 
j y them somehow — then he is act- 
he is condemning him- 


will achieve nothing but destruction 
— his own and that of others. 
According to your philosophy, 
work and achievement are the highest 
goals of life. Do you regard as immoral 
those who find greater fulfillment in 
the warmth of friendship and family 
ties? 

RAND: If they place such things as friend- 
ship and family ties above their own 
productive work, yes, then they are 
immoral. Friendship, family Ше and 
п relationships are not primary in 
A man who places others 
first, above his own creative work, is an 
emotional parasite; whereas, if he places 
his work first, there is no conflict between 
his work and his enjoyment of human 
relationships. 

PLAYBOY: Do you believe that women as 
well as men should organize their lives 
around work—and if so, what kind 
of work? 

RAND: Of course, I belicve that women 
are human beings. What is proper for 
а man is proper for a woman. The 
basic principles are the same. I would 
hot attempt to prescribe what kind of 
work a man should do, and I would 
not attempt it in regard to women. 


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There is no particular work which 
is specifically feminine. Women c 
choose their work according to th 
own purpose and premises in thc same 
manner as men do. 

PLAYBOY: In your opinion, is a woman 
immoral who chooses to devote herself 
to home and family instead of a career? 
RAND: Not immoral — І would say she is 
impractical, because a home cannot be a 
full-time occupation, except when her 
children are young. However, if she 
wants a family and wants to make that 
her career, at least for a while, it would 
be proper —if she approaches it as a 
career, that is, if she studies the subject, 
if she defines the rules and principles 
by which she wants to bring up her chil- 
dren, if she approaches her task in an 
intellectual manner. It is a very respon- 
sible task and a very important one, but 
only when treated 
a mere emotional indulgence. 

PLAYBOY: Where, would you say, should 
romantic love fit into the life of a ra- 
tional person whose single driving pas- 
sion is work? 

RAND: It is his greatest reward. The only 
man capable of experiencing a profound 
romantic love is the man driven by pas- 
sion for his work — because love is au 
expression of self-esteem, of the deepest 
values in a man's or a woman's cha 
One falls in love with the person who 
shares these values. If a man has no 
dearly defined values, and no moral 
character, he is not able to appreciate 
nother person. In this respect, 1 would 
like to quote пот The Fountainhead, in 
which the hero utters a line that hay 
often been quoted by readers: “To say 
‘I love you’ one must know first how 
to say the I?” 

PLAYBOY: You hold that one’s own happi 
ness is the highest end, and that self- 
sacrifice is immoral. Does this apply to 
love as well as work? 

RAND: To love morc than to anything 
else. When you are in Iove, it means that 
the person you love is of great personal, 
selfish importance to you and to your 
life. If you were selfless, it would have 
to mean that you derive no personal 
pleasure or happiness from the company 
and the existence of the person you lov 
and that you are motivated only by self 
sacrificial pity for that person's need of 
you. 1 don't have to point out to you 
that по опе would be flattered by, nor 
would accept, а concept of that kind. 
Love is not self-sacrifice, but the most 
profound assertion of your own needs 
and values. It is for your own happiness 
that you need the person you love, and 
that is the greatest compliment, the 
greatest tribute you can pay to that 
persor 

PLAYBOY: You have (е 
tan notion that physical love is ugly or 
evil; yet you have written U ndis- 
aiminate desire and unselective indul- 


a science, not as 


сет. 


jounced the puri- 


gence are possible only to those who 
regard sex and themselves аз evil. 

Would you say that discriminate and se- 
lective indulgence in sex is moral? 

RAND: I would say that a selective and 
di: ninate sex life is not an indul. 
gence. The term indulgence implies that 
it is an action taken lightly and casually. 
I say that sex is one of the most im- 
portant aspects of man’s life and, there- 
fore, must never be approached lightly 
or casually. A sexual rel ship is 
proper only on the ground of the highest 
values one can find in a human being 
Sex must not be anything other than a 
response to values. And that is why 1 
consider promiscuity immoral. Not be- 
usc sex is evil, but because sex is too 
good and too important. 

PLAYBOY: Does this mean, in your view, 
that sex should involve only married 
partners: 

RAND: Not necessarily. What sex should 
involve is a very scrious relationship. 
Whether that relationship should or 
should not become a marriage is a ques 
tion which depends on the circumstances 
and the context of the two persons’ lives. 
Т consider marriage a very important in- 
stitution, but it is important when and if 
two people have found the person with 
whom they wish to spend the rest of 
their lives — a question of which no man 
n can be automatically certain. 
When one is certain that one’s choice is 
final, then m де is. of course, а desir- 
able state. But this does not mean that 
any relationship based on less than total 
certainty is improper. I think the ques- 
tion of an affair or a marriage depends 
on the knowledge and the position of 
the two persons involved and should be 
left up to them. Either is moral, pro- 
vided only that both parties take the 
relationship seriously and that it is based 
on values. 

PLAYBOY: As one who champions the 
cause of enlightened self-interest, how do 
you fecl about dedicating one's life to 
hedonistic self-gratification? 

RAND: I am profoundly opposed to the 
philosophy of hedonism. Hedonism is 
the doctrine which holds that the good 
is whatever gives you pleasure and. 
therefore, pleasure is the standard of 
morality. Objectivism holds that the 
good must be defined by a ratio 
standard of value, that pleasure is not 
a first cause, but only a consequence, 
that only the pleasure which proceeds 
from a rational value judgment can be 
regarded as moral, that pleasure, as such, 
is not a guide to action nor a standard 
of morality. To say that plcasurc should 
be the standard of morality simply means 
that whichever values you happen to 
have chosen, consciously or subcon- 
sciously, rationally or irrationally, are 
right and moral. This means that you 
are to be guided by chance feelings. 
emotions and whims, not by your mind. 


or woma 


My philosophy is the opposite of hedon- 
I hold that one cannot achieve 
s by random, arbitrary or sub. 
One can achieve happi- 
ness only on the basis of rational values. 
By rational values, 1 do not mean any- 
thing that a man may arbitrarily or 
blindly declare to be rational. It is the 
province of morality, of the science of 
ethics, to define for men what is a mi- 
tional standard and what are the rat 
values to pursue, 

PLAYBOY: You have said that the kind of 
man who spends his time running after 
women is a man who “despises himself,” 
Would you elaborate? 

RAND: This type of man is reversit 
xd ellect in regard to sex. Sex is an 
expression of a man’s self-esteem, of his 
own scli-value. But the man who does 


nal 


ot value himself tries to reverse this 
acess. He tries to derive his self-esicem. 
‘om his sexual conquests, which cannot 
be done. He cannot acquire his own 
value from the number of women who 
regard him as valuable. Yet t is the 
hopeless thing which he attempts. 
PLAYBOY: You attack the idea that sex is 
“impervious to r 
nonrational biolog 
RAND: No. To begin with, man does not 
possess any instincts. Physically, sex is 
merely a capacity. But how a man will 
exercise this capaci ad whom he will 
find attractive depends on his standard 
of value. It depends on his premises, 
which he may hold consciously or sub. 
consciously, and which determine his 
choices. It is in this n 
philosophy directs his sex life. 

PLAYBOY: Isn't the individual equipped 
with powerful. nonrational biological 
drives? 
RAND: He is not. A man is equipped with 
a certain kind of physical mechanism and 
certain needs, but without any knowl- 
edge of how to fulfill them. For instance, 
man needs food. He experiences hunger. 
But, unless he learns first to identify this 
hunger, then to know that he needs food 
and how to obtain it, he will starve. The 
need, the hunger, will not tell him how 
to satisfy it. Man is born with certain 
physical and psychological needs, but 
he can neither discover them nor satisfy 
them without the use of his mind. Man 
has to discover what is right or wrong 
for him as a rational being. His so-called 
urges will not tell him what to do. 
PLAYBOY: In Atlas Shrugged you wrote, 
Phere are two sides to every issue. Опе 
ght and the other is wrong, but 
the middle is evil.” Isn't this a 
rather black-and-white set of values? 
RAND: It most certainly is. 1 most em- 
phatically advocate а black-and-white 
view of the world. Let us define this. 
What is meant by the expression “black 
and white"? It means good and evil. Be- 
fore you can identify anything ay gray, 
as middle of the road, you have to know 


р 


that his 


inei 


side is ri 


‚ because 
gray is merely a mixture of the two. And 
when you have established. that one 
ternative is good and the other is evil, 
there is no justification for the choice of 
a mixture. There is no justification ever 
for choosing any part of what you know 
to be evil. 
PLAYBOY: Then you believe in absolutes? 
RAND: 1 do. 

PLAYBOY: Can't Objecti 
called а dogma? 

RAND: No. A dogma is a set of beliefs 
accepted on faith: that is, without ra 
tional justification or against rational 
evidence. A dogma is a matter of blind 
faith. Objectivism is the exact opposite 
Objectivism tells you that you must not 
accept any idea or conviction unless you 
сап de 


what is black and what is w 


m, then, be 


onstrate its truth by means of 


reason. 
PLAYBOY: If widely accepted, couldn't Ob. 
jectivism harden into x dogma 
RAND: No. I have found that Objectivism 
is its own protection against people who 
might attempt to use it as a dogma. Since 
Objectivism requires the use of one's 
mind, those who attempt to take broad 
principles and apply diem unthinkingly 
and indiscriminately to the concretes of 
their own existence find that it cannot be 
done. They are then compelled either to 
reject Objectivism or to apply it. When 
I say apply, I mean that they have to 
use their own mind, their own thinking, 
in order to know how to apply Objec 
tivist principles to the specific problems 
of their own lives. 

PLAYBOY: You have said you are opposed 
to faith. Do you believe in God? 

RAND: Ceitainly not. 

PLAYBOY: You've been quoted as saying 
‘The cross is the symbol of torture, of 
the sacrifice of the ideal to the nonideal. 
1 prefer the dollar sign." Do you truly 
feel that two thousand years of Chri; 
nity can be summed up with the word 
torture? 

RAND: To begin with, I never said t 
It's not my style. Neither literarily nor 
intellectually. 1 don't say I prefer the 
dollar sign — that is cheap nonsense, and 
please leave this in your copy. 1 don't 
know the origin of that particular quote, 
» dol 


hut the me: 


ning of th 
made clear in Atlas Shrugged. Tt is the 
symbol, clearly explained in the story, 
of free trade and, therefore, of a free 
mind. A free mind and a free economy 
are corollaries. One can’t exist without 
the other, The dollar sign, as the symbol 
of the currency of a [ree country, is the 
symbol of the free mind. More than 
that, as to the historical origin of the 
dollar sign, although it has never been 
proved, one very likely hypothesis is that 
it stands for the initials of the United 
States. So much for the dollar sign. 
Now you want me to speak about the 
cross. What is correct is that I do regard 
the cross as the symbol of the sacrifice of 


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PLAYBOY 


40 


the ideal to the nonideal. Isn't that what 
it does mean? Christ, in terms of the 
Christian philosophy, is the human ideal. 
He personifies that which men should 
strive to emulate. Yet, according to the 
Christian mythology, he died on the cross 
not for his own sins but for the sins of 
the nonideal people. In other words, a 
man of perfect virtue was sacrificed for 
men who are vicious and who are ex- 
pected or supposed to accept that sacri- 
fice. If I were a Christian, nothing could. 
make me more indignant than that: the 
notion of sacrificing the ideal to the non- 
ideal, or virtue to vice, And it is in the 
name of that symbol that men are asked 
to sacrifice themselves for their inferiors. 
‘That is precisely how the symbolism is 
used. That is torture. 

PLAYBOY: Has no religion, in your cstima- 
tion, ever offered anything of construc- 
tive value to human life? 
RAND: Qua religion, no—in the sense 
of blind belief, belicl unsupported by, 
or contrary to, the facts of reality and 
the conclusions of reason. Faith, as such, 
is extremely detrimental to human life: 
it is the negation of reason. But you 
must remember that religion is an early 
form of philosophy, that the first at- 
tempts to explain the universe, to give 
a coherent frame of reference to man's 
ile and a code of moral values, were 
made by religion, before men graduated 
or developed enough to have philosophy. 
And, as philosophies, some religions have 
very valuable moral points. They may 
have a good influence or proper princi- 
ples to inculcate, but in a very contra- 
dictory context and, on а very — how 
should I say it? — dangerous or malevo- 
Jent base: on the ground of faith. 
PLAYBOY: Then you would say that if you 
had to choose between the symbol of 
the cross and the symbol of the dollar, 
you would choose the dollar? 

RAND: I wouldn't accept such a choice. 
Put it another way: If I had to choose 
between faith and reason, | wouldn't 
consider the choice even conceivable. As 
a human being, onc chooses reason. 
PLAYBOY: Do you consider wealthy 
businessmen like the Fords and the 
Rockefellers immoral because they use 
their wealth to support charity? 

RAND: No. That is their privilege, if they 
want to. My views on charity are very 
simple. 1 do not consider it a major vi 
tuc and, above all, I do not consider it a 
moral duty. Thcre is nothing wrong in 
helping other people, if and when they 
are worthy of the help and you can 
allord to help them. I regard charity as 
a marginal issue. What I am fighting is 
the idea that charity is a moral duty 
and a primary virtue. 

PLAYBOY: What is the place of compas- 
sion in your philosophical system? 
RAND: J regard compassion as proper only 
toward those innocent vic 
tims, but not toward those who are 


who are 


morally guilty. If one feels compas- 
sion for the victims of a concentration 
camp, one cannot feel it for the tor- 
turers. If one docs feel compassion for 
the torturers, it is an act of moral 
treason toward the victims. 

PLAYBOY: Would it be against the princi- 
ples of Objectivism for anyone to sac 
rifice himself by stepping in front of 
a bullet to protect another person? 
RAND: No. It depends on the circum- 
stances. I would step in the way of a 
bullet if it were aimed at my husband. 
It is not self-sacrifice to die -protect- 
ing that which you value: If the value 
is great cnough, you do not care to 
exist without it. This applies to any 
alleged sacrifice for those one loves. 
PLAYBOY: Would you be willing to die for 
your cause, and should your followers 
be willing to die for iG And for the 
truly nonsacrificial Objectivist, is any 
cause worth dying for? 

RAND: The answer to this is made plain 
in my book. In Atlas Shrugged Y ex- 
plain that a man has to live for, and 
when necessary, fight for, his values — 
because the whole process of living 
consists of the achievement of values. 
Man does not survive auton 
He must live like a rational being and 
accept nothing less. He cannot survive 
as a brute. Even the simplest value, 
such as food, has to be created by man, 
has to be planted, has to be produced. 
The same is true of his morc interest- 
ing. more important achievements, АП 
values have to be gained and kept by 
man, and, if they arc threatened, he 
has to be willing to fight and die, if 
necessary, for his right to live like a 
rational being, You ask me, would I be 
willing to dic for Objectivism? 1 would. 
Bur what is more important, 1 am willing 
to live for it—which is much more 
difficult. 

PLAYBOY: In your emphasis on reason 
you are in philosophical conflict with 
contemporary writers, novelists and poets 
— many of whom are self-admitted mys- 
tics, or irrationalists, as they have been 
called, Why is this so? 

RAND: Because art has a philosophical 
base, and the dominant philosophical 
trends of today are a form of neomy: 
tiim. Art is a projection of the art- 
ists fundamental of man and 
of existence. Since most artists do not 
develop an independent philosophy of 
their own, they absorb, consciously or 
subconsciously, the dominant philo- 
sophical influences of their time. Most 
of today’s literature is а faithful re- 
flection of todays philosophy — and 
look at it! 

PLAYBOY: But shouldn't a writer reflect 
his time? 

RAND: No. A writer should be an ас 
с intellectual leader of his time, 
not a passive follower riding any cur- 
rent. A writer should shape the values 


of his culture, he should project and 
concretize the value goals of man's 
life. This is the essence of the Roman- 
tic school of literature, which has all 
but vanished from todays scene. 
PLAYBOY: Leaving us where, literarily 
speaking? 
RAND: At the dead end of Naturalism. 
Naturalism holds that a writer must 
be a passive photographer or reporter 
who must transcribe uncritically what- 
ever he happens to observe around 
him. Romanticism holds that a writer 
must present things, not as they are 
at any given moment, but, to quote 
Aristotle, “as they might be and ought 
to be. 
PLAYBOY: Would you say that you are the 
last of the Romanticists? 
RAND: Or the first of their return — to 
quote one of my own characters in 
Atlas Shrugged. 
PLAYBOY: What is your appraisal of con- 
temporary literature im general? 
RAND: Philosophically, immoral. Acstheti- 
cally, ft bores me to death. It is degener- 
ng into a sewer, devoted exclusively 
to studies of depravity. And there's noth- 
ing as boring as depravity. 
PLAYBOY: Are there any novelists whom. 
you admire? 
RAND: Yes, Victor Hugo. 
PLAYBOY: What about modern novelists? 
RAND: No, there is no one that I could 
ay I admire among the so-called seri- 
ous writers. I prefer the popular litera- 
ture of today. which is today's remnant 
of Romanticism. My favorite is Mickey 
Spillane. 
PLAYBOY: Why do you like him? 
RAND: Because he is primarily a moralist. 
In a primitive form, the form of a 
detective novel, he presents the con- 
flict of good and evil, in terms of black 
and white. He docs not present a nasty 
gray mixture of — indistinguishable 
scoundrels on both sides. He presents 
an uncompromising conflict. As а 
writer, he Шапцу expert at the 
aspect of literature which I consider 
most important: plot structure. 
PLAYBOY: What do you think of Faulkner? 
RAND: Not very much. He is a good styl- 
ist, but practically unreadable in con- 
tent —so I've read very little of him. 
PLAYBOY: What about Nabokov? 
RAND: | have read only one book of his 
and a half — the half was Lolita, which 
I couldn't finish. He із a brilliant styl- 
ist, he writes beautifully, but his sub- 
jects, his sense of life, his view of man, 
are so evil that no amount of artistic 
skill can justify them. 
PLAYBOY: As a novelist, do you regard 
philosophy as the primary purpose of 
your writing? 
RAND: No. My primary purpose is the 
projection of an ideal man, of man “as he 
might be and ought to be.” Philosophy 
is the necessary means to that cnd. 
PLAYBOY: In your early novel, Anthem, 


Playhoy Club News 


VOL. I1, NO. 44 


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PLAYBOY 


42 


your protagonist declares, “It is my will 
which chooses, and the ch 
will is the only edict I respect." Ist 
this anarchism? Is one's own desire or 
will the only law one must respect? 
RAND: Not one's own will. This is, more 
or less, a poetic expression made clear 
by the total context of the story in 
Anthem. Onc's own rational judgment. 
You sec, І use the term free will in а 
totally different sense from the one usu- 
ally attached to it. Free will con: 
of man's ability to think or not to think. 
The act of thinking is man's primary act 
of choice, A rational man will never be 
guided by desires or whims, only by 
values based on his rational judgment. 
That is the only authority he can rec 
ognize. This does not mean anarchy, be 
cause, if a man wants to live in a free, 
civilized society, he would, in reason, 
have to choose to observe the laws, when 
those laws are objective, rational and 
valid. I have written ticle on this 
subject for The Objectivist Newsletter — 
on the need and proper function of a 
government 

PLAYBOY: What, in your view, is the 
proper function of a governme 
RAND: Basically, there is really only one 
proper function: the protection of in- 
dividual rights, Since rights can be vio- 
lated only by physical force. and by 
c derivatives of physical force, the 
proper function of government is to 
protect men from those who initiate the 
use of physical force: from those who 
are criminals. Force, in a free society, 


sts 


may be used only iu and 
only against those who initiate its usc. 
This is the prope ament: 
to serv a policeman who protects 


men from the ис of force. 
PLAYBOY: If force тау be used only in 
retaliation against force, does the gov- 
erment have the right to use force to 
collect taxes, for example, or to draft 
soldiers? 

RAND: In principle, 1 believe that taxa- 
tion should be voluntary, like everything 
else. But how one would implement this 
is а very complex question. I can only 
suggest certain methods, bur I would not 
tempt to insist on them as а defini 

A government lottery, for 
stance, used in many countries in 
rope. is one good method of voluntary 
taxation, There are others. Taxes should 
be voluntary contributions for the prop- 
er governmental services which people 
do need and therefore would be and 
should be willing to pay for—as they pay 
for insurance. But, of course, this is a 
ant Гиле, for the 
time when men will establish а fully free 
social system. It would be the 
the first, reform to advocate. As to the 
draft, it is improper and unconstitu- 
tional. It is ion of fundamental 
rights, of a man’s right to his own life. 
No man has the right to send another 


wer. 


problem for a d 


то! 


man to fight and die for hi 
cause, A country has no right to force 
men into involuntary servitude. Armies 
should he strictly voluntary: 
tary authorities will tell you, volunteer 
armies are the best armies. 
PLAYBOY: What about other public needs? 
Do you consider the post office, for ex- 
ample, a legitimate function of govern- 
me 
RAND: Now lets get this straight. My 
position is fully consistent. Not only the 
post office, but streets, roads, and above 
I. schools, should all be privately 
owned and privately run. I advocate the 
aration of state and economics. The 
government should be concerned only 
with those issues which involve the use 
of force. This means: the police, the 
armed services, and the law courts to 
settle disputes among men. Nothing celse. 
Everything else should be privately run 
and would be much better run. 
PLAYBOY: Would you create any new gov- 
ernment departments or agencies? 
RAND: No, and I truly cannot discuss 
. | am not a government 
planner nor do 1 spend my time invent 
g Utopias. I'm talking about principles 
whose practical applications are clear. If 
Г have said that I am opposed to the 
initiation of force, what else has to be 
discussed? 
PLAYBOY: What about force in foreign 
policy? You have said that any free na- 
tion had the right to invade Nazi Ger- 


2 


many during World War II. 
RAND: Certainly. 

PLAYBOY: . . . Aud that nation 
today has the moral right — though not 
the duty—to invade’ Soviet Russia, 


Cuba, or any other “slave pen.” Correct? 
RAND: Correct. A dictatorship — а coun 
try that violates the rights of its own 
citizens —is an outlaw and can claim по 
rights, 

PLAYBOY: Would you actively advocate 
that the United States invade Cuba or 
the Soviet Union? 

RAND: Not at present. ] don't think 
necessary. 1 would adv 
the Soviet Union fears 
economic boycou. I would advocate a 
blockade of Cuba and ап economic boy- 
соц of Soviet Russia 
both those regimes collapse without the 
loss of a single American life. 

PLAYBOY: Would vou favor U.S. with- 
drawal from the United Nations? 

RAND: Yes. 1 do mot sanction the 
grotesque pretense of an огу i 
allegedly devoted to world peace 
human rights, which includes Soviet 
Russia, the worst aggressor and bloodiest 
butcher in history, as one of its me 
bers. The notion of protecting right 
with Soviet Russia among the protectors, 
is an insult to the concept of rights and 
to the intelligence of any man who is 
asked to endorse or sanction such an 
organization. 1 do not believe that an 


and you would see 


te with crim- 

als, and, for all the same reasons, I do 
not believe that free countries should 
cooperate with dictatorships. 
PLAYBOY: Would you advocate sevei 
ic relations with Russia? 


PLAYBOY: How do you [cel about the test 
ban treaty which was recently signed? 
RAND: | agree with Barry Goldwater's 
specch оп this subject on the Senate 
floor. The best military authorities, and 
the best scientific authority, 
the author of the hydrogen 
bomb, have stated that this treaty is not 
merely meaningless but positively dan 
gerous to Amcrica’s defense 

PLAYBOY: If Senator Goldwater is nomi 
nated as the Republican presidential 
candidate this July, would you vote for 


nt, yes. When T say “at 
present,” T mean the date when this in- 
terview is being recorded. 1 disagree with 
him on ny things, but I do 
agree, predominantly, with his foreign 
policy. OF andidates available to- 
day, I regard Barry Goldwater as the 
best. I would vote for him, if he offers 
us a plausible, or at least semiconsistent, 
platform. 

PLAYBOY: How about Richard Nixon? 
RAND: I'm opposed to him. Fm op 
posed to any compromiser or me-toocr. 
and Mr. Nixon is probably the cham 
pion in this regard. 

PLAYBOY: What about President Johnson? 
RAND: І have no particular opinion about 
him. 

PLAYBOY: You arc a declared anticommu- 
nist. liberal Yer 
you reject the notion that you are a 
conservative, In fact, vou have reserved 
some of your angriest criticism for con- 
servatives. Where do you stand politi 
cally? 

RAND: Correction. T never describe my 
position in terms of negatives. I am an 
advocate of laissezfaire capitalism, ol 
individual rights — there arc no others — 
of individual freedom. It is on this 
ground that | oppose апу 


antisocialist and ant 


doctrine 
which proposes the sacrifice of the indi 
vidual to the collective, such as com 
munism, socialism, welfare state, 
fascism, Nazism and modern liberalism. I 
oppose the conservatives on the same 
ground. The conservatives are advocates 
of a mixed economy and of a welfare 
state. Their difference [rom the liberals 
is only one of degree, not of principle 
PLAYBOY: You have charged that America 
fers from intellectual bankruptcy. Do 
you include in this condemnation such 
7 publi ав the National 
Review? Isn't that magazine a powerful 
you regard 


the 


sufi 


I consider National Review the 
d most dangerous magazine in 
a. The kind of defense that it 


RAND: 
worst 
Ате 


offers to capitalism results in nothing 
except the discrediting and destruction 
of capitalism, Do you want me to tell 
you why? 

PLAYBOY: Yes, please. 

RAND: Because it ti 
gion. The ideological position of Na- 
lional Review amounts, in effect, to the 
following: In order to accept freedom 
and capitalism, one has to believe i 
God or in some form of religion, some 
form of supernatural m, Which 
means that there are no rational grounds 
on which one can defend capitalism. 
Which amounts to an admission that 
reason is on the side of capitalism's ene- 
that a slave society or a dictator- 
ship is a rational system, and that only 
on the ground of mystic faith can one 
believe in freedom. Nothing more de- 
rogatory to capitalism could ever be 
leged. and the exact opposite is true. 
Capitalism is the only system that can 
be defended and validated by reason. 
PLAYBOY: You have attacked Governor 


Nelson Rockefeller for “humping all op- 
ponents of the w 
crackpots," It w 
that 


"Mare state with actual 
r from his remarks 
mong others. he was aiming his 
m at the John Birch Society. De 
resent being lumped with the John 
irchers? Do you consider them "crack. 
pots” or a force for good? 
RAND: I resent being lumped with any- 
. J resent the modern method of 
never defining id id lumping to- 
tally different people into a collective 
bv means of sméars and derogatory 
terms. I resent Governor Rockefeller's 
smear tactics: his refusal to identify spe- 
cifically whom and what he meant. As 
far as I'm concerned, I repeat, 1 don't 
want to be lumped with anyone, and 
certainly not with the John Birch So- 
ciety. Do I consider them crackpots? No. 
not necessarily. What is wrong with them 
is that they don't seem to have any spe- 
cific, clearly defined political philosophy. 
Therefore, some of them may be crack- 
pots, others may be very well-meaning 
citizens. I consider the Birch Society 
futile. because they are not for capital- 
ism, but merely against communism. 1 
gather they believe that the disastrous 
state of todays world is caused by a 
communist conspiracy. This is childishly 
naive and superficial. No country can 
be destroyed by a mere conspiracy, it 
сап Бе destroyed only by ideas. The 
rchers seem to be either nonintellec- 
or antiintellectual. They do not 
ch importance to ideas. They do not 
realize that the great асе in the world 
today is a philosophical, ideologi 
flict. 
PLAYBOY: Are there any political groups 
in the United States today of which you 
approve? 
RAND: Political groups, as such—no. Is 
there any political group today which is 
(concluded on page 61) 


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You may serve the 
Schlitz when ready, Gridley! 


[Or, how Admiral Dewey’s men “spliced the main brace” at Manila Bay] 


Only seven hours after Admiral 
Dewey said “you may fire when 
ready, Gridley," the enemy hoisted 
the white flag of surrender over 
Manila Bay. 

But those seven hours of contin- 
uous bombardment—plus a daily 
diet of salt beef—were enough to 
raise a mighty thirst in any man's 
navy. 

So when the Jos. Schlitz Brewing 


Co. promptly senta shipload of free 
beer to the Philippines—two bot- 
tles for every man jack in Dewey's 
command—the Admiral himself 
wrote a warm letter of thanks to 
Milwaukee. (The best piece of fan 
mail we got that year!) 


"Splice the main brace," by the 
way, is a nautical term. Freely trans- 
lated it means: "Drink up—with 
gusto." Need we say more? 


Schlitz—the Beer that made 
Milwaukee Famous... simply 
because it tastes so good. 


THE PLAYBOY FORUM 


an interchange of ideas between reader and editor 
on subiects raised by “the playboy philosophy” 


CENSORSHIP IN CHICAGO 
The arrest of Mr. Hefner for publish- 


ing an allegedly obscene June issue of 
his excellent magazine makes me want 
to stand up and shout, “Long 
Soviet America. 

As à Negro, perhaps I should be con- 
cerning myself more with the passage of 
the Civil Rights Bill, but as an American 
1 cannot help but concern myself with 
threats to take away freedoms that I 
now enjoy. 

It is my opinion that any group advo- 
cating the suppression of a literary work 
just because it doesn't conform to its 
standards should be barred, rather than 
the literature in question. 

Besides being a Negro, I am a mem 
ber of the Armed Forces. It is the gravest 
form of injustice to me (and to a few 
million others in uniform) to be told by 
the Chicago Corporation Counsel, or any 
other censor group, what 1 may or may 
not read. To have sworn to lay down 
my life for my country and then to see 
this life being taken over by a Corpora- 
tion Counsel lawyer and the Chicago 
postmaster is more than I can endure. 
Even to think that in modern America 
one man could keep a piece of literature 
from going through the mails, is utterly 
unbelievable. І have been told that this 
is the United States of Amer but I 
m not so sure anymore. | have care 
fully read. the explanation of Hefner's 
arrest which he presented in the October. 
and November installments of The Play- 
boy Philosophy. Iv seems clear that the 
Chicago censors were motivated more by 
religious considerations than by a desire 
10 suppress a few photos of Jayne Mans- 
field. 

We Americans have alw 
selves on the fact that we are able to 
express our opinion, popular or not, on 
any subject and will defend the right 
of every other citizen to do the same, 
whether we agree with him or not. Seem- 
ingly, the National Organization for 
Decent Literature and the Ci as for 
Decent Literature c this 
freedom aw 

I encourage Mr. Hefner to continue 
his fight with the knowledge that he 
does not stand alone. And, small com- 
pensation though it might be, I intend 


s prided our- 


want to 


to renew my subscription to his magazine 
when my present one expires. Enough 
said! 

SP/5 Cleo Lockett 

Fort Bragg, North Carolina 


I was somewhat disappointed in your 
October issue. October brings very litle 
change in the weather or landscape to 
alilo and therefore the most sig- 
nificant thing on the calendar is Hal- 
lowcen. This macabre celebration is 
undoubtedly a leftover from the me- 
dieval mysticism currently under fire in 
The Playboy Philosophy and 1 halt 
expected some editorial reference di- 
rected toward its declining popularity 
being interpreted as an indication of 
the tremendous strides forward in the 
emancipation of the mind of man. It 
ps unfortunate that Mr. Hefner's 
good taste prevented the printing of a 
large cutout mask of Chicago Corpora- 
tion Counsel John Melaniphy, whose ap- 
parent prurient reaction to Jayne's pho- 
tos scems to indicate that Chicago might 
well be subjected to a revival of the 
Inquisition as a replacement for the less- 
popular Prohibition. 

The Philosophy and Forum distin- 
guish your publication as one of the 
more important continuing works of 
your generation. You are introducing 
ап intellectualism to sex which will re- 
place the mixed shroud of sacredness and 
evil that have so long distorted and 
glorified the subject. 

Incidentally, my wile and I were called 
upon to translate a good deal of your 
Playboy Philosophy to some of our 
neighbors when we lived in France. This 
is definitely a compliment, as the French 
mind is more dedicated, on the average, 
to genuine understanding and intellec- 
tual pursuits than any other. 

J. Krueger 
Los Angeles, California 


TO BE OR NOT TO BE 

Re the Mansfield obscenity farce: If 
I did not have implicit faith in your in 
tegrity, I would suspect the entire affair 

a stroke of pure genius 

Playboy Enterprises. 

But as you have ably elucidated, the 
essence of the matter is a “to be, or not 
to be” question, with overtones encom- 


passing our entire free (2) society. You 
1 undoubtedly receive a flood of en- 
dorsements your 
passive supporters, something akin in 
magnitude to the tide of emigrants out 
of East Berlin in the weeks before the 
Wall, since the principles and. alterna- 
tives involved are similar. 
August М. Cook 
Bayside, California 


w 


from test and/or 


UNDESERVING DIGNITY 
pLaynoy Editor-Publisher Hugh M. 
Hefner should not have favored the Chi- 
cago authorities with such an extended 
reply to their recent charges. The hest 
thing Hefner could have done would 
have been to ignore the whole thing and 
keep on writing his excellent pieces on 
the broader issues involved in censorship 
and moral restriction. To respond spe 
ally (as he has done) to the silly acis 
of silly men is to honor and dignify them 
with an importance they do not deserve. 

Kent Parker, Jr. 

Summit, New Jersey 
Hejner agrees that the charge resulted 
in part from “the silly acts of silly men,” 
but while he might ideally have wished 
10 deny their allegations the dignity of a 
response, he found. this alternative im- 
possible after four of them forced their 
way into his bedroom and arrested him. 


JAYNE'S GYRATIONS 
On the first day of a brief stay in the 
hospital, І was fortunate enough to re- 
ceive the October issue of Playboy, 
which I found to be a dapper diversion 
from textbooks while temporarily con 
fined. After carefully checking out all 
the enticing entities of femininity. 1 
tumed to the Philosophy and obtained 
the first-hand details of Mr. Hefner's re- 
cent arrest which, ] now recognize, was 
completely baseless, politically asinine 
and legally absurd. It must be that the 
awesome powers that be in the city of 
Chicago entertain certain fears as to what 
Editor-Publisher Hefner's philosoph 
pen can accomplish. (Let's hope, for 
their sake, that it is not Miss Mansfield's 
"gyrations" of which they are afraid.) 
Roger Crumley 
Towa City, Iowa 


45 


PLAYBOY 


45 


JAYNE ON JAYNE 
1 have just finished reading the Octo- 
ber installment of The Playboy Philoso- 
phy. Eam in complete accord that Jayne 
Mansfield per se is not the issue. This 
is a matter of censorship. in that a few 
are trying to govern the tastes of many. 
I strongly support you in your efforts to 
keep the press free, and in your cham- 
g each individual's right to make 
own mind. 
Jayne Mansfield 
Los Angeles, California 
We are pleased that such an authori- 
tative source concurs in our belief that 
Jayne Mansfield is not obscene. 


ACTIONS AND REACTIONS 

If all you have said is true, and un- 
doubtedly you wouldn't have said it if 
it wasn't, then the courts have no alter- 
native but to render a decision in your 
favor, not because of trumped-up 
charges of “obscenity,” a concept which 
varies in the eye of the definer, but be- 
cause of the facts behind the charges, 
facts which you have so articulately 
brought into view. 

Any other decision would strengthen 
my growing suspicion that pressure 
groups such as the ones you have de- 
scribed are, unknowingly, forcing this 
country into socialism. The forces op- 
posing you now are trivial when com- 
pared. with the results which they might 
achieve. If they win th 
PLAYBOY they might inspire simi 
groups, to the point where local vig 
Jantism snowballs into national 


Detroit, Michigan 


Hugh M. Hefner's discussion of the 
Nazilike censorship in Chicago is worthy 
of the highest commendation. Corrob- 
orating his theory that censorship is 
motivated more by political and есо- 
nomic causes than by moral reasons is 
the fact that Chicago is one of the few 
cities in the United States prohibiting 
newsstand sales of Weekly People, official 
newspaper of the Socialist Labor Party. 
Because of the great expense involved, 
the Socialist Labor Party has not yet 
taken this matter to the courts. Should 
PLAYBOY vin its case, it will simplify the 
problem of achieving constitutional 
freedom of speech for other groups. 

Henry R. Korman 
Longview, Washington 


The November Playboy Philosophy 
was excellent. It summed up my own 


called obscenity drives are inconsistent 
and silly. 

For instance, there's obscenity in the 
Bible. In Genesis 19: 30-38, Lot's daugh- 
ters commit incest with their father. 


e film] Phaedra was condemned by 
the National League for Decency be- 
cause it portrayed incest. It seems odd 
that in one place it is sanctified and in 
the other condemned. 

Another Biblical example Kings 
II, Chapter 11. King David seduces 
Bethsabee and after she has conceived 
has her husband, Urias, killed so he may 
marry her. Would Father Lawler, head. 
of the Chicago Citizens for Decent 
erature, censor this passage? Would 
Chicago Corporation Counsel John Me- 
laniphy, or the Chicago Board of Cen- 
sors, arrest PLAYBOY if it ran an article 
incorporating the same theme? Per- 
haps they would. claiming that children 
might read it— though they could read 
it in the Bible as well. I never heard of 
book-banning the Bible. 

Carl Gagliardi 
Washington, D. С. 

Consistency was never onc of the cen- 
sors’ strong points; however, even the 
Bible, in its various versions, has had its 
share of bannings and burnings down 
through history, and for several centuries 
the Church effectively kept the Bible 
from all but clerical eyes, on the grounds 
that it was not fit reading for the laity. 


rLAYBOY, already the most expensive 
magazine of its type, threatens to sct new 
price records in the near future. This 
phenomenon has long been a source of 
puzzlement to me. but your November 
issue has ended the confusion: the excess 
profit gocs, of course, directly into re- 
serve for contingent lawsuits. 

As a law student, I strongly feel that 
government has neither the right nor the 
ability to legislate or otherwise control 
sexual mores. If Chicago's Corporation 
Counsel would be wise enough to re- 
move his Freudian proboscis from the 
presses of a free society he might find 
more time for his job. 

We Bostonians have long been sub- 
jected to the quasi-religious pronounce- 
ments of a group which, perched on 
Beacon Hill during sessions of the legis- 
lature, frowns down at us over long blue 


noses and lobbies for laws of a like color. 


"Banned in Boston" is an advertising 
slogan inspired by their efforts, not the 
least of which was closing the Old 
Howard and suppressing a state lottery. 

Before I end this letter, go down to 
Boston Common, and mount a podium, 
PLAYBOY in hand, I must enclose a cam- 
paign contribution — please renew my 
subscription. 


Kenneth Brody 
Boston, Massachusetts 


Lam one of the children under 21 who 
has been reading PLAYBOY since infancy 
—since 1 was 17, to be exact. 

My morals have definitely been cor 
rupted by Ray Bradbury's obscene short 
stories, Ben Hecht's lewd journalist’seye 


view of life, the Playboy Panels, espe- 
cially 1984 and Beyond, and, my God, 
those two dirty old men, Bertrand Rus- 
sell and Albert Schweitzer. We all know 
what class of magazine they usually ap- 
pear int 

Please, Father Lawler, John Melaniphy, 
and all of you other enlightened souls, 
уе me from further destructive influ- 
ences, for I have gone too far to save my- 
self. Mount your white chargers and head 
PLAYBOY off at the post office! 

When this filthy publication is once 
and for all burned at the stake of МОРІ, 
indignation, and fanatics like Ju 
Black and Professor Logan (im: 
liking Lenny Bruce!) are taken car 
же can all go back to reading the healthy 
magazines like Walt Disney's Comics. Of 
course, the relationship between Donald 
and Daisy Duck have to be cleared 
up; but, with you to lead us, I'm sure 
the world can once again be made a fit 
place to bring up the kids. 

SP/4 Wade B. Sowers 
Fort Lewis, Washington 


I consider myself an average young 
probably like many of your read 
Having served as a Marine pilot during 
the Korean conflict, 1 married a lovely 
girl, started a family, and have been 
reasonably successful in business. 
Like many other men of my acquaint- 
nce, I had grown increasingly d 
turbed by the hypocritical and conform- 
ist views many persons seem to hold on 
sex, censorship, materialism and even 
political philosophy. Believing the situa- 
tion entirely hopeless, my wife and 1 
resigned ourselves to emigrating to an 
other country. 

Your contributions through the Phi- 
losophy have been so powerful — so 
sweeping — their effect cannot help but 
be recognized and applauded by all con- 
cerned. We've decided if playboy can 
take on the Catholic Church and the 
city government of Chicago, in all their 
bigoted guises, then maybe our small 
contribution will make a difference. 
We're sure going to try. Thank you, 
PLAYBOYI 


man 


Jobn and Meredith Swengel 
Arcadia, California 


Allow me to congratulate pLaynoy 
Editor-Publisher Hefner on the stand he 
has taken to protect his rights as a 
person and as а publisher. I sincerely 
hope that by his example every editor 
of every newspaper and magazine, and 
every radio and television programmer 
throughout North America will put his 
hand behind his back and feel where his 
backbone used to bc. 


Nelson "Thomas 
"Toronto, Ontario 


and still, toda 


Around the turn of the century, as the popu- 
larity of Olympia Beer spread out from the 
little town of Tumwater, customers would 
ask what gave the beer such distinctive good 
taste. The answer, of course, was that the 
rare water from our deep artesian wells en- 
abled us to capture the most elusive and 


satisfying flavor from choice hops and grains. 
In 1902, we placed the answer on every 


Visitors are always welcome at the Olympia Brewing Company, Tumwater, near Olympia, Washington, 8:00 to 4:30 every day. 


‘Its the Water” 


label in this simple form: “It’s the Water.” 

Each year many new western friends ask 
about the secret of Olympia’s distinctive 
quality. The answer never changes. Today, 
as then, these three words sum up the refresh- 
ing story of Olympia’s most priceless ingre- 
dient—a rare brewing water that flows cold 
and pure creates the famous good flavor of 
light Olympia Beer. 


Oly 


47 


PLAYBOY 


48 


Bravo for a with enough guts to 
say what he thinks in spite of what will 
no doubt be a massive retaliatory effort 
оп the part of the Catholic Church. In 
my estimation, Hef ill earn 
riAvboY the undisputed possession of 
first place on the banned-books list. 

Edward Berkler 
Alamogordo, New Mexico 


Hats off to a fearless Ame: n citizen. 
Your November Philosophy was a mas- 
terpiece. 1 have never read anything: 
like it anywhere in our secular press. Ве- 
cause of my position as a chaplain in the 
United States Army I can't request Sun- 
day that everyone go out and buy the 
November pravsoy. I would like, how- 
ever, 100 copies of the article if you are 
going to have reprints made. І can pass 
them out to thinking officers and 
enlisted men without fearing a “witch 


tholic, I 
y attitude 


am 
on the part "GE conn dk dis (ett 
Frankly, | disagree with an attempt to 


censor any book, movie, etc. It is not the 
duty of government to tell us what we 
are to watch or read. This duty is for 
our parents or ourselves. 1 hope that in 
the future you will devote your Philoso- 
phy to some of the other attempts that 
are being made to suppress our indi 
vidual liberties. Keep up the good work. 

Don G. Van Dyke 

1.5.5. Lloyd Thom 

New York, New York 


SUBVERSIVE TACTICS 

In connection with The Playboy Phi- 
losophy, Part XII, I would like to express 
the following opinion: By the subyersive 
s they employ HOY, 
Father Lawler and his r De- 
cent. Literature (CDL) truly represent a 
harmful. influence not only in Chicago, 
but in our society whole. his 
Catholic priest should be told by his 
superiors that his primary duties should. 
be discharged in church, confined to 
offering what help and services he cin 
to those who seek it. To the citizens in 
our society who do not seck narrow. 
minded views or forced opinions from 
any quarter, Father Lawler should not 
n any way attempt to dictate what they 
ay or may not read or view. Moreover, 
when a Catholic priest resorts to local 
forcing his 
unwanted. views on others (in this case, 
by being instrumental in the censorship 
of pLavuoy and the arrest of йз pub- 
lisher on a charge of obscenity), he is i 
fringing upon the constitutional rights 
of his fellow citizens, and is guilty of cn- 


government to assist him 


tering a field (law enforcement) where 
he doesn't legitimately belong. Father 
Lawler's companions in this attempt to 
infringe upon our constitutional rights, 
the Victorian housewives who compos 
the majority of the CDL, 
to prevent or affect а proprietor's 
lihood in any way. Since a proprietor 
must bear full liability for the financial 
status of his bookstore, he should be free 
to manage his business in the fashion he 
alone chooses, without outside coercion 
from any source, least of all Irom a group 
of narrow-minded, middle-aged women, 
who will not beforehand agree to make 
good any financial loss sustained should 
an unfortunate proprietor succumb to 
unhealthy influence 

Lance E. Ciepiela 

Quantico, Virginia 


have no 


INCREDULOUS 
L have just read the November install- 
ment of The Playboy Philosophy, and 1 
am deeply troubled. I find it hard to 
believe that censorship groups such as 
the NODL and CDL even exist in th 
country, let alone achieve the success 
that they seem to chieved. 1 am 
unable to understand how any sane 
group can seriously believe that it 
the right to decide what others should be 
permiued to read. This is contrary to 
the basis of our American way of life as 
stued in the Bill of Rights. Even Шс 
supposed goal of these groups — to keep 
vulgar material out of the hands of 
children — is ridiculous. The problem of 
whether children should be permitted to 
purchase literature which these groups 
label "objectionable" is a matter which 
should be left to individual parents. It 
isa personal matter in which civic groups 
have no right to interfere. 1 sincerely 
hope that the majority of the Americ 
people see this for what it 
to deny us the rights gua 
the Constitution, and 1 hope that ac 
is taken to squelch the activities of these 
Victorian housewives before we find our- 
selves unable to buy anything but Don 
ald Duck comic books and Bibles. 
Robert B. Harris, Jı. 
University Park, Pennsylvania 


INVESTIGATE THE CENSORS 

1 had heard of the National Organi 
tion for Decent Literature before, but 
I was unaware that they employed such 
un-American tactics. They have the 
right to believe as they please, and 
to read as they please, but when they 
пу to force their own standards on the 
rest of us they are mo longer acting 
as Americans. Instead, they are act 
Communists, and their actions are as 
anti-American as any Communist dogma 
ever could be. 

Has the МОРІ. been investigated by 
the House Committee on Un-American 


эӊ as 


ties? И not, why not? The Cons 
guarantees us freedom of the 
press and separation of church and state, 
yet these people openly black-list certain 
literature on religious grounds. Their 


censorious practices should be stopped, 
t where 


or at least curtailed to the p 
they can only publish a recomme 
for holies. 

I hope rraynoy follows the lead of its 
November Philosophy by continuing to 
inform its readers of the activities of 
such groups as the NODL and the CDL. 
In order to fight for freedom of the press, 
the public needs to be informed. 

Morris Penrod 
Seattle, Washington 

We will continue our fight for free- 
dom of inquiry and expression by oppos- 
ing every form of censorship, and by 
bringing local instances to the attention 
of our readers when we feel the circum- 
siances warrant. 


CINCINNATI CARBON COPIES 
In your November issue of PLAYDOY 
magazine you devoted 20 pages to tearing 
down CDL with . CDL 
is not alliliated with the Catholic Church, 
but is an organization started. by inte 
ested people who care about the corrup- 
tion that certain magazines contain. 1 
as а member can assure you that no 
boycotts are used to stop the selling of 
indecent liter 
As a little piece of advice from me as 
a member, Mr Hefner, you bette 
careful with the articles that you publish 
in your m 
are not fami у 
so I would like to inform you that you 
might just be sued for libel. 
M. Dissel 
Cincinnati, Ohio 


be 


I was outraged to read, in a recent 
issue of rLavuoy magazine, а series of 
false accusations concerning а 


ganization — Citizens for Decent Liter 


accuracy 

was a de 

your magazine. 
‘The very fact th 


you were forced to 
use lies against CDL is а testimonial to 
your degradation and the efficacy of CDI 
in its fight against indecent literature. 
In answer to one of your accusations. 
CDL is not a church ated organiza 
tion. Closer investigation on your part 
would reveal that it has the support of 
not only Catholic, Protestant and Jewish 
s» but also of many nondenom. 
organizations —such as the 
organized labor, and 
nd government lead 
à common denom- 
rather than the 


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пог of 


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views of any single group. 

You would be wise, Mr. Hefner, to 
check the accuracy of your information 
before printing it. You could easily be 
sued for libel for promulgating such 
malicious falsehoods. I'm sure you will 
be more careful in the future. 

M. Antonelli 
Cincinnati, Ohio 


Recently І have heard of your 20-page 

article condemning izens for Decent 
Literature. Among other things you have 
stued that CDL is athliated with the 
Catholic Church and that it advocates 
censorship. 
DL could not possibly be a denomi- 
national organization because of the 
mere fact that it has the support and 
active membership of not only Catholic, 
Protestant and Jewish leaders, but also 
of many nondenominational organi 
tions. Secondly, since CDL is not a law- 
enforcement agency, and since it has no 
authority, obviously it cannot be a 
censor. Thercfore, I sincerely recommend 
that before you should decide to print 
anymore articles of this type you might 
take the time to secure the truth, 
ticularly the false statements which you 
made concerning some of the members 
of CDL. Such statements as these might 
very well produce a libel suit against 
you. 


Tt has come to my attention that you 
have been publicly critizing the organ- 
ation Citizens for Decent Literature, 
obviously without first thoroughly inves- 
ligating it. I strongly suggest that you 
do before you discover a possible libel 
suit against you. 

In America, we, as citizens, all possess 
the right to think, sav and print any- 
thing we wish — considering, of course, 
that it does not hinder the welfare or 
reputation of others. Please consider 
these factors the next time you go to 
press. 


R. Andrews 
Cincinnati, Ohio 


In one of your recent issues of PLAYBOY 
you devoted 20 pages to tearing down 
CDL. All of your accusations were false. 
CDL does not advocate boycotts, nor is 
it associated or connected with the Саш- 
olic Church. 

From now on 1 recommend that you 
be more careful that what you write is 
true; or you just might be sued for libel. 
You are giving the reading public false 
information, and I advise that you re- 
frain from this in the futu 

M. Korbce 
Cincinnati, Ohio 


There comes a time in everyone's life 
when he must realize just where he 


stands in the world. He must consider 
what he has done and what he will do 
to become a better citizen and to ad- 
vance his country. 

Obviously, Mr. Hefner, you haven't 
rcached this point. In other words, it 
seems as though you haven't reached 
your age of maturity. F 
who 


r surely, anyone 
connected or associated with this 
PLAYBOY magazine in any way, can't say 
that he is trying to help the cause. Now 
just ask yourself what have yon done to 
help your country? Well, I'll tell you. 
You have poisoned the minds of the 
youths, who otherwise, would have been 
good leaders of tomorrow. 

Well, T guess that was only natural for 
you since you have very low morals 
yourself. This is evident in the fact that 
you degraded the CDL—an aid to 
strengthen the minds of youth — in one 
of your articles. Also, 1 would like to 
point out that you did this by making 
false accusations. Please, if you don't 
agree with the CDL, at least give us your 
honest opinion. 


c 
€ 


McDonald 
nati, Ohio 


I am writing in rebuttal of what you 
said in the most rec issue of PLAYBOY 
about Citizens for Decent Literature 
(CDL). I don't know where you got your 
information but I can assure you that if 
you are willing to write to the Pope in 
Rome. or, for that matter, any Church 
official, he will confirm this, unless, of 
course, you realize that the CDL is not 
affliated with the Church, but that your 
sales have gone down considerably from 
the fact that our letters are influencing 
the stores which sell your filthy maga- 
zine, Ask yourself this question, “What 
are you doing to the morals of our coun- 
try?” that is, if you call the United 
States your country. You surely aren't 
raising our moral standards, that’s for 
sure. 


In conclusion, I would like to say that 
your magazine isn't worth the paper it's 
written on. Also, may I warn you to 
be careful in the future that what you 
write is true, or you might just be sued 
for libel. 


M. Prather 
Cincinnati, Ohio 


I was terribly shocked when I saw you 
devoted 20 pages to tearing down GDL; 
all of these were false accusations. CDL 
is not alfiliated with the Catholic Church 
and does not advocate boycotts to stop 
the selling of indecent literature. I be- 
lieve the reason you did this was to de- 
fend your indecent magazine. 

From now on, Mr. Hefner, you had 
better be careful that what you write is 
true, or you just might be sued for libel. 

С. Folz 
Cincinnati, Ohio 


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parties and two meals daily in Switzer- 
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charges imposed by hotels and restau- 
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itinerary. Not included are: passport fee, 
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PLAYBOY 


52 


You must not be aware of the fact that 
indecent literature is spreading through- 
out the country and should be discour- 
aged. not encouraged. The 20 pages in 
the PLayvoy magazine which you de- 
voted to tearing down the CDL were 
full of false accusations. 

The CDL is supported by Catho 
yes, but also, by Protestant and Jewish 
Ісадсгѕ and nondenominational orga 
zations. This problem of pornography is 
ng every year. "There has been a 
i ast arrests in Los 
By comparing the Academy 
Award-winning movies of five ycars ago 
to those ol today, you can see that their 
topics, titles and plots are so much dif- 
ferent. The crime rate today is wo high 
and must be stopped. 


J. Overmeier 
Cincinnati, Ohio 


After reading the 20-page attack you 
made on CDL in рілувоў magazine I 
was shocked enough to write this letter 
to you. OF course the horse is out of 
the bam — the damage has been done. 
‘The public st thinks a writer bases 
his material on fact. Saying that CDL is 
affiliated with the Catholic Church is 
a pure lie—even though the Catholic 
Church should feel flattered, 

Mr. Hefner, some people 
sued for libel for much less 
you have written incorrectly. 

After this horrible attack сап I hope 
to think that you would weigh f 
your mind why we must keep ou 
ing matter clean? 
od will judge you on every soul you 
help lead on the pathway of sin. 


than what 


I am writing this letter in protest to 
your recent comments on CDL. TI 
organization is not affiliated with the 
Catholic Church. 

May I suggest that you watch to see 
that what you print is true, because you 
could be sued for libel. 

B. Stegemoller 
icinnati, Ohio 


It has come to my attention that you 
have written a 20-page article condemn- 
ing CDL in your pravnoy, 1 think you 
are а disgrace to all mankind for saying 
the things you did against CDL and Mr. 
n sure ne who read that 
ticle is also disgusted. You better watch 
‘out or you will end up with a libel suit. 

5. Russell 
Cincinnati 


Ohio 


I am writing to you in regard to your 
recent issue Of PLAYBOY ic, in 
which you devoted 20 
tearing down of the CDL, all by mea 
of false accusations. However, I do not 
agree with this article 


main reason that the CDL was 
organized for the purpose of combat- 
ing the fight against the spread of 
indecent literature. We are not an or- 
ganization affiliated with the Catholic 
Church, but an organization to help the 


for th 


people of today better their lives, with- 
out the evils of sex as it is displayed 


n 
your magazines. You probably think that 
it is all right to print such articles, but 
if 1 were you, I would be very reful, 
and watch for what type of things get 
printed in your magazine, because one 
of these days vou could get into serious 
trouble, and even sued for libel. for 
printing such untrue information about 
reason any other types 


CDL. or for tha 


of businesses. 

So please. for the sake of the people 
in the world be especially careful of the 
types of articles that your magazines 
print, for you will be strengthening vour- 
self. and also the lives of many other 
‚ as well. 


J. M. Lamping 
Cincinnati, Ol 

Such unanimity of opinions and threats 
—to say nothing of the similarity of word- 
ing, plethora of bad grammar, and iden- 
tical city of origin—might almost lead 
а suspicious person lo think there was a 
single inspiration (or instigation) busily 
at work in Cincinnati, home of the CDL. 

To all the Cincinnatians whose emo- 
tions were “spontaneously” aroused to 
the extent that they felt compelled, on 
the same date, to write us similar lel 
ters and mail them in identical с 
lopes, we observe thai іп numbers 
there's not always strength. This CDL. 
tactic—and the similar threatening mail 
sent in quantity to a number of PLAY- 
Boy's advertisers in recent months—is 
reminiscent of the incident involving 
Father Lawler, inspired leader of the 
Ghicago Chapter of CDL, mentioned in 
the November installment of the “Philos- 
ophy." in which Catholic grade-school 
children were given the task of writing 
poison-pen letters to a Chicago radio 
stalion, as а Class assignment, т an un- 
successful attempt to have a popular disc 
jockey fired for using objectionable ma- 
terial on his show. 

To J. Lang's protestations that CDL. 
"obviously - cannot be a censor," we 
offer M. Prather's assertion that “your 
sales have gone down considerably from 
the fact that our letters are influencing 
the stores which sell your filthy maga- 
zine.” (For an accurate reference on 
pravnoy's sales since beginning the “Phi- 
losophy,” we quote from the January 
1964 issue of "Bestsellers," the trade pub- 
lication Jor magazine dealers: “From the 
питіет-іх position [in profits to retail- 
ers, among all U. S. magazines] on the 
January 1963 Box Score, this famous 
men's title has jumped to number two 
[second only to the weekly “TV Guide”) 
—with a fantastic 36.6 percent gain in ré- 


ve- 


tail sales, the highest single gain ever re- 
corded for a title in the top ten on ‘Best- 
sellers” Box Score!” ) 

For the benefit of the good citizens of 
Cincinnati, we once more acknowledge 
the right of any church group to advise 
its members about their reading matter. 
What we object to is attempts to 
compel readers — of all faiths от none — 
to bow to others’ dislikes, by denying all 
readers a free choice at the newsstand. 

As for the connection between CDL 
and the Catholic Church, we quote from 
an article on West Coast censorship that 
appeared in “The Californian.” “Actual- 
ly, the CDL is only a front group for a 
larger organization called the National 
Organization for Decent Literature. The 
NODL uses groups like CDL and the 
Legion for Decency lo infiltrate commu 
milies under the guise of nonsectarian 
activity and independence from a list of 
banned books published by МОРІ. The 
reason is that the NODL has been 
stamped as a Catholic organization that 
has tried to have books called unfit for 
Catholics to read banned for persons of 
all other religious denominations, too. 
This has resulted in widespread opposi- 
tion to NODL, which has therefore been 
forced 1o use groups in communities 
that go by different names. These groups 
will deny they are connected with 
NODL, but they use NODL’s banned- 
books list and they parrot NODL’s phi- 
losophy. . . . They ате all part of the 
same organization — the. NODL, which 
was established in 1938 by the Catholic 
Bishops of the United States as a watch- 
dog committee for the Roman Catholic 
Church. In some communities, its 
branches ате admittedly Catholic, and 
їп others they operate on ап interreli- 
gious basis. They all use the banned- 
books list of the NODL, howcucr —a 
list which is drawn up in conform- 
ance with Catholic religious beliefs and 
Catholic moral codes.” 


PERVERSION FOR FUN AND PROFIT 

In line with Hefner's excellent piece 
in the November issue, T thought you 
might get a hollow laugh out of thi 
item from my column: 


OPPORTUNITY 
published by the C; 
for Decent Literature (you betch 
urges its readers to rent a film called 
Perversion for Profit —ADULTS 
ONLY, a real eye opener, depicts 
various types of obscene material!” 
І congratulate the California 
zens for Decent Literature on this 
courageous invitation to stamp out 
smut by looking at it. 


Herb Caen 

San Francisco Chronicle 

isco, Califor 
Our thanks to columnist Caen. “Hol- 

low laugh” is exactly the phrase. 


The Advocate, 


Funny beer glass? Wrong twice. 


"Tain't funny. 'Tain't beer. Not even ale, Country Club 
is just what it says—malt liquor—a masculine cousin 
of the other brews. There's nothing bland or blah 
about it. Country Club is a new kind of brew with a 
positive character. Its special fermenting agent pro- 
duces a lively quality that— frankly— appeals mostly 
to men. No bite to it, though, because it's aged good 
and long. No big head on it, either. It's light on car- 
bonation, so it'll sit light throughout an evening's 


pleasure. Country Club Malt Liquor makes a wel- 
come change of pace from its cousins on the one 
side and the hard stuff on the other. This little eight 
ounce can serves up a drink you can enjoy any time 
the spirit moves you. It's even priced reasonably 
enough for you to try a six-pack, and decide how 


we think you Country Club 


get the message. MMIALT LIQUOR 


PEARL BREWING COMPANY, SAN ANTONIO, TEXAS ST, JOSEPH, MISSOURI 


PLAYBOY 


54 


Thank you for a most forthright and 
lucid presentation of your position on 
civil liberties in the November issue of 
PLAYBOY. You touched on a great 
many vital issues, and I want you to 
know that I support your views whole- 
heartedly. It was also gratifying to learn 
that many business concerns are able to 
see the issue clearly, and have spoken 
out decisively against the would-be cen- 
sors and bigots who understand neither 
legal principles nor moral strictures. The 
letter from the Honda Motor Company 
to Reverend Drexler is magnificent! The 
Honda people may be assured that I 
will consider them if ever I'm in the 
market lor a motorcycle (which is a real 
possibility). In the meantime, as an cx- 
pression of my support for your publi- 
cation, I'm taking out a subscription to 
PLAYBOY. 

Apropos individuals like CDL Chair- 
man Charles H. Keating, Jr. I would 
strongly second Dr. Karpmian’s sugges- 
1 of a possible displaced sexual ob- 
session, and add that there is also a 
possibility of the presence of a sadism- 
masochism syndrome, Extreme sexual 
repression may be a form of masochistic 
pleasure, and the extension, or attempted 
extension of such repression to others is 
a form of sadistic pleasure. This double 
tendency is typically present in the same 
individual. Most sadists are masochists in 
certain situations, and vice versa, Sexual 
sadism-masochism is not always expressed 
with a whip and a punishment bench. 
lt can also be expressed through the 
imposition of severe sexual restraints on 
oneself and others. Attitudes which tend. 
to inhibit sexual interest and a i 
are generally less healthy tha 
which tend to stimulate such interests 
and activities. 

Edward J. Jay, Ph.D. 

Dept. of Anthropology-Sociology 
Queens College 

New York, New York 


Being an ex-Catholic and ex-seminar- 
ian, I know the workings of the Chw 
Following is one frightening example of 
how twisted and hypocritical some minds 
can become. I attended a meeting of the 
Knights of Columbus which involved 
pornography in todays publications. 
Over 100 adult (in age) me 
grand assortment of slides taken from 
various magazines — yours among them — 
showing the beautiful female form. They 
were nothing more tha ups, not a 
dirty picture in the lot. The narrator 
read the captions attached to each pic- 
ture and some paragraphs from the text 
for emphasis. About halfway through 
the showing the operator began to speed 
up the slide projector, and almost at 
once there were cries of “Slow down!" 
and “Let's see that one again!" These 
men all know what pornography is, and 


viewed а 


even though they weren't shown any that 
night the fact that they would be going 
out to boycott drugstores was frighten- 
ing. To cap the evening olf, the narrator 
invited me up to his house after the 
show and tried to make a pass at me. 1 
must say it was a lesson in life. 

(Name and address withheld on request) 


A PSYCHIATRIC VIEW 

1 found The Playboy Philosophy for 
November of great interest and 1 should 
like, as a practicing psychiatrist, to make 
à few comments. 

It is obvious that a religion which is 
based on miracle, mystery and authority 
can take no other stand than to attempt. 
to control sexual behavior in its mem- 
bers. Its more ardent followers. under- 
dably may extend their efforts to 
society at large, This is actually a hostile 
isguised as a loving one, as anyone 
who has read Freud's masterly analysis 
of the Church in Group Psychology and 
the Analysis of the Ego will readily 
agrec. When one considers the evolution 
of Catholic sexual thought, your remarks 
about “pornophilia” are particularly apt, 
and have been foreshadowed by such 
parables as the beam and the mote, cast- 
ng the first stone, ete. 

It has been my impression — no more 

than that —that Catholic patients often 
] conflict. Mas- 
turbation, for instance, is theologically 
speaking a sin; and in not a few Catho. 
ic wives, chronic fear of pregnancy is 
common. 

In their attitudes toward sex, Catholic 
educators and physicians seem to place 
more weight on social customs than on 
factors which operate in early childhood; 
which, along with constitutional factors, 
do play an important role in the 
individual's sexual identity. In this, 
Catholics disagree with the majority of 
psychiatric opinion. 

Fred В. Charatan, M.D. 
Syosset, New York 


sufler from severe sexua 


BLACKLISTS AND BLACKOUTS 

On WPIX-TV, New York, on October 
20, I saw a program called Operation 
Yorkville—a View of Smut in New 
York City. The goal and modus ope- 
randi of the moderator and speakers 
seemed identical to those described in 
your November Philosophy: to achieve 
the enforcement of arbitrary censorship, 
by vigilante methods if necessary. The 
panelists, mostly Catholic clergymen and 
laymen, urged formation of a police 
subdepartment to monitor booksellers, 
determine if their wares are “objection- 
able,” warn them against future sales of 
such material, and hand out summonses 
for violations. Violations of what? Can 
this nonsense actually be happening in 
the U.S? 

The thesis of the panel discussion was 


this: Regardless of the Supreme Court 
definition of obscenity, books dealing 
with extra- or premarital sex, or with a 
whole host of other subjects offensive to 
the panelists, should be kept from the 
bookstores. Naturally, the panclists made 
it clear that this was being done only to 
protect minors. But who is to protect 
the adults from these do-gooders? 

Editor-Publisher Hefner has my sup- 
port in his attempt to delineate his 
philosophy. 1Е this should incidentally 
result in increased circulation for 
PLAYBOY (and I think it has), then more 
power to both, Most businessmen, my- 
self included, consider it аррто- 
priate for one to profit from one's own 
ideas. 


В. Stephen-Hansel 
New York, New York 
PLaysov’s circulation has indeed in- 
creased sharply since December 1962— 
the month which marked the first ap- 
pearance of “The -Playboy Philosophy" 
in our pages — growing from an average 
sale of approximately 1,350,000 per issue 
in the last six months of 1962 to over 
2,000,000 in the last half of 1963. 


Through interest created by your Oc- 
tober issue, I attempted a little research 
of my own, and found some facts that 
are very disappointing. The Last Temp- 
tation of Christ is banned from the pub- 
lic library in my home port of Long 
ia. In San Francisco, I 
Seven Pillars of Wisdom, by T 
Lawrence, termed the rantings of a 
homosexual. I also managed to get hold 
of a NODL pamphlet, and what I have 
to tell this group could not be published 
anywhere. J. D. Salinger obscene? No 
doubt they consider Santa Claus a nasty 
old man! 

It pains me even more to learn that 
churches allow their names to be asso- 
ciated with such a thing. To allow the 
sanctity of God to be dragged through 
the mire of fanaticism is unfathomably 
degrading to both. 

As Plunurcdi wrote: "It is a thing of 
no great difficulty to raise objections 
against another man's oration — nay, 
is a very easy matter; but to produce a 
better in its place is a work extremely 
troublesome, 

Your editorials are far-reaching and 
truthful, and I respect you for your hon- 
esty in bringing to light something that 
I am certain this country was not fully 
aware of. We all wish to protect our 
children, but we don't want them used 
to cover a lie, You have opened my eves, 
as I am sure you have a great many 
others. 


Richard L. Tevis 
San Francisco, California 


Apropos the November Philosophy 
I am endosing a frontpage dippi 
(continued on page 173) 


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КҮ ое и 
HISTORY OF 
PLAYBOY 


humor By SHEL SILVERSTEIN conclusion of our bearded bard’s 
personal chronicle of the first ten years in the life of this publication 


THE CURRENT YEARS Early in 1960 Hugh Hefner opened the first Playboy 
Club. It was an immediate suceess and he began making plans for similar key clubs in 
major cities throughout the United States and abroad, including a $4,000,000 Playboy Club 
for New York and a $10,000,000 Playboy С -Hotel for Hollywood. Since Нег first started 
PLAYBOY on a few hundred dollars in 1953 after quitting his $60-a-week job with Esquire 
because they refused to give him a $5 raise, these new plans for expansion made it necessary 
to secure sizable long-term financing. 


3 


"You see, Mr. Hefner, 
when we loan money 
to an automobile manufacturer, 
they put up their inventory 
and equipment 
as collateral...a farmer 
puts up his land, 
a furniture store 
its furniture, 
and so on....Now with 
your Playboy Clubs, 
the chief commodity 
is the attractive 
young ladies 
you refer to 
as Bunnies, so..." 


ът 


“Ж 


The Playboy Clubs proved even more зис- 
cessful than the magazine. They drew their 
decor and concept from the pages of 
PLAYBOY and offered a place of glamor and 
entertainment to the sophisticated, urban 
man about town. 


"H'ya, Bunny-honey, 
are there any more 
in the hutch 
like you?!...HA HA... 

You're gonna love me, Bunny— 
"cause І got lotsa lettuce!...HO HO... 
Say, what happens to a Bunny 
if she flunks 
her rabbit test?!...HEH HEH..." 


Playboy Bunnies were selected for 
their beauty, grace and charm. They 
were delectably desirable, but they also 
had to retain an air of dignity, respect- 
ability and remain, at all times, in- 
accessible. 


"You've been to Bunny School, 
studied your Bunny Manual 
and passed your Bunny Exam... 
tonight you go to work as a 
full-fledged Playboy Bunny. 
While you're at The Playboy Club, 
you're expected to be beautiful, 
cheerful, charming, courteous 
and efficient and that's all! 
After working hours, 
your time is your own! You 
don't have to go out with anybody! 
And that includes the 
keyholders, VIPs, Playboy Club 
executives, or anybody! 
Maybe you'd better meet me for 
a drink tonight after you 
get through, so we can 
discuss this matter further...|" 


The Bunnies added to rrAvnov's reputation 
for beautiful women, but the magazine's cen- 
terfold Playmate of the Month remained the 
most popular rLaysoy beauty of all. Some of 
PLAYBOYS Playmates went to work in the 
Clubs as Bunnies, and the publication also 
found some future Playmate material among 
the hundreds of lovely applicants for Bunny- 
dom. But most of the girls who continue to 
grace the center of each issue of the magazine 
come in independently — from the four cor- 
ners of this great nation — some drawn by the 
lamor, some by the chance for publicity and. 
ame; while for others, appearing in PLAYBOY 
represents a form of social protest, a banner 
to be carried in the never-ending һаше against 
puritanism and prudery. 


"...The human body isn't 
Something to be ashamed of...this 
isn't the Middle Ages... 
nude photography has become an accepted 
art form. I consider this a challenge... 
it's a blow for female independence... 
a voice raised against puritanism, 
prudishness and censorship... 
and besides, I can use the 
three thousand dollars!" 


Mother confers with Ploymote-Bunny Ellen Stratton ond Bunny Wanda Owens. Before becoming full-fledged Bunnies, new girls 
must graduate from Bunny School. Bunnies earn from $200 10 $300 per week, even have their own sorority, Pi Beta Sigma. 57 


PLAYROY 


58 


Playmate applicants are requested to 
afa anaes аа ait 
fill out Playmate Data Sheets, but these 5 T 
do not always give a complete picture of While more than a million urban you 

a girl's qualifications. men eagerly awaited each new issue ol 
PLAYBOY, read its fiction and articles, 
laughed at its cartoons and humor, and 
were entertained by its photographs of 
beautiful women, there were others who 
cried out against the publication and 
against those who created it. 


"I'll tell you who puts out 
this magazine—a bunch of homosexuals, 
that's who! These people are 
preoccupied with naked women! 
They publish photographs of naked women! 


“Well, when you 
heard she had a 
96-inch bust, 


I think you They publish cartoons about 
should have been naked women! Why?!! ‘Because they're 
a ttle insecure, that's why! Because 
suspicious!" they continually have to try and 


prove their masculinity! A real 
man doesn't need this sort of thing! 
A real man is sure of his masculinity! 
A real man will stay away from 
magazines featuring naked women! I 
A real man will stay away 
from naked women altogether!!!" 


Above left: Editor Hefner tries to look professional while ogling color tronsporencies of Playmate Heidi Becker Üune 1961); 
it Certainly beats editing Sports Illustrated. No wonder he doesn't mind working lote. Right: PLAYBOY editorial staff meeting ot the 
Playboy Mansion; after meeting, editors were treated to on elaborate buffet. What с way to run a business! You'd never catch 
me pretending to work in such plush surroundings. I'm downstairs in the pool with a half-dozen Bunnies. Staff meetings—fooey! 


As a tribute to PLAvBov's phenomenal success, Columbia Pictures announced plans for the production of a feature- 
length motion picture to be titled Playboy, starring Tony Curtis in the challenging role of rrAypov's dynamic 


young publisher. It was only Hefner’s natural modesty and tendency to be overly camera shy that prevented him 
from accepting the role himself. 


"This motion picture will be more than just entertainment, 
gentlemen...it will carry a powerful message about 
contemporary society...it will be as much a part of 
modern America as Playboy magazine 
itself...it will be authentic... 
realistic...! Now in the first scene, we 
meet young Hugh Hefner, a 
disillusioned ex-GI in post-War Paris, 
selling French post cards to the 
tourists. He's befriended by a lovable 
French madam...played by Anita 
Ekberg, maybe. Hefner is obligated to ~ 
Ekberg for taking him in off the 
Street, but he realizes, too late, that 
he is falling in love with one of the madam's 
lovely 'ladies of the evening,' a chic French 
chick...a real Brigitte Bardot type...played by, say, 
Brigitte Bardot. Brigitte loves animals...especially rabbits. 
and she keeps a little pen of them on the roof. She's saving her money and 
hopes someday to have enough to buy a small rabbit farm in 
the country. We play this great scene between Brigitte and Hefner on 
the roof with the rabbits...we can lift it right out of 
Steinbeck's 'Of Mice and Men,' where George tells Big Lenny all 
about how they're going to have their own rabbit farm 
someday...only in our picture, it's Hefner telling little Brigitte on 
the rooftop of a bordello, against the skyline 
of Paris, see? Sensational! Then Hefner sings, 'You're Getting 
to be a Rabbit with Me' by Allan Sherman...and the two of them 
start to dance among the rabbits. That's where we introduce our big dream 
sequence...where all the rabbits turn into Playboy Bunnies...and then..." 


Pravaoy's service articles on fashion, food and drink, sports cars, music, hi-fi and the other accouterments of the 
Good Life have always been extremely popular with readers. The features that evoked the greatest reader response 
were PLAYBOY's own original designs for urban living: The Playboy Penthouse, The Weekend Hideaway, The 


Playboy Townhouse and The Playboy Bed — an electronic wonder, combining all the best features of bed, bar, 
hi-fi and library in one glorious installation. 


«pP "Well...Good Housekeeping 

xD has its test kitchen... 
Popular Mechanics has its mechanical lab... 

Sports Cars Illustrated has its test track and shop..." 


p Like any successful businessman, Hefner has had Locking himself away from the world, in the man- 
his share of disappointments, too. In the fall of ner of Plato, Aristotle, Kant and Nietzsche, Hefner 
e 1961, Hef launched a new publication, Show began to set forth his ideas on society, sex, reli- 
m Business Illustrated. Despite a nice initial re- gion, motherhood, fatherhood, brotherhood, sister- 
= sponse from both readers and advertisers, the hood, capitalism, communism, censorship, race 
Р magazine cost far тоге to produce than it relations, war and peace, and like that, in his end- 
brought in, and having built his Playboy Empire less editorial series, The Playboy Philosophy. 
c on the sound premise that a good business is a 
А profitable business, Hefner folded the new publi- "It d 
cation in the spring of the following year. SBI It doesn't matter 
also confirmed another of Hefner's sound busi- what we do 


ness principles: A magazine without girls will not 


personally, Shel— 
Jong endure. 


Playboy can't 
have a 
one-word philosophy!" v 


ia Ne 


"Well, Hef, SBI is finished..." 


"That's OK, Spec—it just means we'll have more time to devote to other 
Playboy ventures." 


"Preuss says that it cost us close to two million dollars." 


"That's OK—we'll just tighten our corporate belt a couple of notches... 
Playboy's profits will offset the losses in a few months." 


"We'll be able to use most of the SBI staff on Playboy, but it means 
we'll have to fire 37 secretaries and female assistants..." 


"GOOD GOD!" 


Often on cold winter nights, Hef and I would relax with a Ге 
fireplace in the main room of the Playboy Mansion and converse on 1 


intimate friends in front of the giant 
* and love and the meaning of it all... 


"But don't you ever get tired of this playboy life, Hef... 
don't you ever think about the possibility 
of finding a couple of 


nice girls and just (es) 
settling down?!" 
Q 


By the summer of 1963 more than 2000 nude and seminude females had graced the pages of ravnoy magazine. 
In the August issue the publication broke precedent with the appearance of its first nude male, when a handsome, 
muscula arded young cartoonist journeyed forth to report his experiences in a nudist camp in the interest of 
journalistic expression and a freer press. 7 


zi 


"You see, whenever I make a trip for Playboy, 
I try to bring back a souvenir for Hef... 
a beret from Paris, 
native jewelry from Africa, 

a sombrero from Spain..." 


It is said that a leader is only as great as his advisors, and Hefner — already working 20 hours a day — leaned 
heavily on certain experts for information on many important matters outside his immediate PLAYBOY domain, 


"...The situation is still the same in Vietnam—looks like trouble brewing... 
stock market is down 2.74 today—trading heavy, but nothing to be alarmed 
about...Khrushchev demanding we stop interference in Cuba—State Department 
feels he's just bluffing...'Tom Jones' looks like top movie of the year...new Ingmar 
Bergman film causing a big stir in Sweden...Yankees look like the team to beat 
again—but Cleveland bears watching... 
James Baldwin's latest novel brilliant 
in spots, but disappointing 
overall...Goldwater front- 
runner for Republican 
nomination, but a lot 
can happen between now 
and the convention..." 


«С g П Lg PLN. , q 
Above left: A parcel of Playmates pap corn before open fire in moin room of 40-room Playboy Mansion between scenes for 
picture story, Playmate Holiday House Рогу (December 1961). Right: Those with sharp eyes will spot lil al’ Hef swinging his fool 
head off on Monsion dance floor with Flaymote Laura Young (October 19621; writer Nelson Algren, singer Sarah Vaughan, pionist- 
composer Cy Coleman, Lenny Bruce ond jockey Bill Hortock are also there somewhere. Me—I'm still in the pool with the Bunnies! 


Friday night is party night at the Playboy Mansion, 
and after twisting, swimming, feasting and drinking, 
we often relax in the early-morning hours and remi- 
nisce about the early days. 


ГА 
е 
m 
га 
= 
ы 
А 


"...Апа remember when Playboy first began... 
we were just a bunch of good-natured slobs!" 


Hef is increasingly aware of th 
temporary society, of the respo: у of his publication — not only 
to its readers, but to all ma nd in the free world and that part 
of the world that is not yet (тес. International tensions and crises 
characterize the times, and Hefner recognizes that every member of 
the communications industry has a very real social and political 
responsibility to all of this troubled and turbulent world, 


importance of рїлүвоү in con- 


"Now in our 'Girls of Russia' feature, if we 
run a photo of this girl with 
the big breasts, 
it would be a gesture of 
good will toward the Soviet Union... 
however, it might also be 
used as Communist propaganda... 
whereas, if we run this 
picture of the girl 
with the small breasts, 
Red China might 
misunderstand our..." 


Pravnov's fabulous success has had relatively little 
effect upon Hefner, the man. Though he has become a 
legend in his own lifetime and is constantly besieged 
by reporters, interviewers and photo-journalists from 
every part of the United States and abroad, Hef greets 
them all with the same simple warmth, sincerity and 
humility that he possessed when I first met him at 
PLAYBOY's beginning ten years ago. 


the 
seventh 
day 
T 
rested." 


Praynoy's circulation is now over two million; there are cight Playboy Clubs in operation and a dozen more planned 
for the coming year; Playboy Products are available in an infinite variety — from. Playboy Tuxedos to Playboy 
Bunny Chocolate; PLAYBOY has launched а book division called Playboy Press and Playboy Club members now have 
a magazine of their own titled vir; Hefner is presently making plans for a national Playboy Modeling Agency and 
School and investigating the possibilities in a line of men’s toiletries named Playboy and a line of women's 
fashions to be called Playboy's Playmates—which would put him in the business of dressing women as well as 
undressing them. The Playboy organization, which began in 1953 with half-a-dozen young men working around Hef's 
kitchen table, now numbers close to 2000 employees. It ru es an entire staff of secretaries just to handle the 
hundreds of letters and telephone calls that come in each week for Hefner alone. 


"Yes, Mr. Hefner, a Mr. Johnson from 
Washington called. І told him you were 
too busy to see him and asked 
him to please write us a letter... 
Miss Rogers called and I told her 
you'd see her at nine o'clock... 
You received a memo from Fhoto 
Department saying they've 
found a girl with a 52— 
inch bust...United Press 
wants to know if it's true we're 
planning a Playboy religion... 
Miss Tucker called and I 
told her you'd see her at nine— 
thirty...Spectorsky says we 
can schedule the new James 
Bond novel for April and 
we've a new book by Vladimir 
Nabokov for late in the year... 
Miss Michelle called and I told her you'd see 
her at ten...J. Paul Getty called from London, collect... 
Production Department called—-they received some copy from you this afternoon, 
but they don't know if it's 'Playboy Philosophy' or 'Party Jokes'... 

Arnold Morton wants to know whether to go ahead with the Tibetan Playboy 
Club...Photo Department called to say they can't photograph that girl because she keeps 
tipping over...Miss Maddox called and I told her you'd see her at ten-thirty... 

Lenny Bruce called and said something I can't repeat...Town & Country magazine 
wants to know if our office polo team would like to play their office 
polo team...We received a letter from Jayne Mansfield asking if we'd be interested 
in an exclusive picture story on her completely dressed...Your house manager 
says that they're out of cream sherry wine and would it be all right if they 
filled the swimming pool with chianti this time...Esquire magazine called to say 
they've reconsidered and they're willing to give you that five-dollar raise..." 


Ee. & i ш 


Above left: Tony Curtis visits PLAYBOY offices; Curtis will portray Hefner in movie, Playboy, scheduled to go into production at 
Columbio Pictures this summer. Center: | bared my soul for my PLAYBOY cortoon feature on a nudist camp (August 1963). Right: 
Hef working on Chapter 174 of The Playboy Philosophy; Hefner doesn't feel he is really о philosopher—says thot eoch of us has 
о philosophy of life; sure we do—but по! in so mony installments. Hefner often works in his pojamos—to keep up the image. 6 


PLAYBOY 


PLAYBOY INTERVIEW (continued pom page 43) 


fully consistent? Such groups today are 
guided by or advocate blatant contradic- 


PLAYBOY: Do you have any personal po- 
litical aspirations yourself? Have you 
ever considered running for office? 
RAND: Certainly not. And I trust that 
you don't hate me enough to wish such 
a thing on me. 

PLAYBOY: But you are interested in ро! 
tics, ог at least in political theory, aren't. 
you? 

RAND: Let me answer you this w When 
I came here from Soviet Russia, I was 
interested in politics for only onc reason 
— to reach the day when I would not 
have to be interested in politics. I wanted 
to secure a society in which I would be 
free to pursue my own concerns and 
goals, knowing that the government 
would not interfere to wreck them, know- 
ing that my life, my work, my future 
were not at the mercy of the state or of 
a dictator's whim. This is still my atti- 
tude today. Only today I know that such 
a society is an ideal not vet achieved, 
that I cannot expect others to achieve 
it for me, and that 1, like every other 
responsible citizen, must do everything 
possible to achieve it. In other words, I 
am interested in politics only in order 
to secure and protect freedom. 

PLAYBOY: Throughout your work you ат- 
gue that the way in which the contempo- 
rary world is organized, even in the 
capitalist countries, submerges the in- 
dividual and stifles initiative. In Atlas 
Shrugged, John Galt leads a strike of 
the men of the mind — which results 
the collapse of the collect 
around them. Do you think the time has 
come for the artists, intellectuals and 
creative businessmen of today to with- 
draw their talents from society in this 
way 
RAND: No, not yet. But before 1 explain, 
1 must correct опе part of your question. 
What we have today is not a capit 
society, but a mixed economy — th 
is, a mixture of freedom and controls, 
which, by the presently dominant trend, 
is moving toward dictatorship. The 
tion in Allas Shrugged takes place at a 
time when society has reached the stage 
of dictatorship. When and if this hap- 
pens, that w be the time to go on 
strike, but not until then. 

PLAYBOY: What do you mean by dictator- 
ship? How would vou define i 
RAND: A dictatorship is a country that 
does not recognize individual rights, 
whose government holds total, unlimited 
power over men. 

PLAYBOY: What is the dividing line, by 
your definition, between a mixed econ- 
omy and a dictatorship? 

RAND: A dictatorship has four character- 
istics: one-party rule, executions without 
trial for political offenses, expropriation 


ion of private property, 
and censorship. Above all, this last. So 
long as men can speak and write freely, 
so long as there i» no censorship, they 
still have a chance to reform their so- 
ciety or to put it on a better road. When 
censorship is imposed, that is the sign 
that men should go on strike intellec- 
tually, by which I mean, should not 
cooperate with the social system in any 
way whatever. 

PLAYBOY: Short of such a strike, what do 
you believe ought to be done to bring 
about the societal changes you deem de- 
sirable? 

RAND: It is ideas that determine social 
trends, that create or destroy social sys- 
tems. Therefore, the right ideas, the right 
philosophy, should be advocated and 
spread. The disasters of the modern 
world, including the destruction of capi- 
talism, were caused by the altruist-collec- 
tivist philosophy. It is altruism thar men 
should reject. 

PLAYBOY: And how would you define 
altruism? 

RAND: It is a moral system which holds 
that man has no ht to exist for his 
own sake, that service to others is the 
sole justification of his existence, and 
that self-sacrifice is his highest moral 
duty, value and virtue. This is the moral 
base of collectivism, of all dictatorships. 
In order to seck freedom and capitalism, 
men need a nonmystical, nonaltruistic, 
rational code of ethics—a morality 
which holds that man is not a sacrificial 
animal, that he has the right to exist for 
his own sake, neither sacrificing himself 
to others, nor others to himself. In other 
words, what is desperately needed today 
is the ethics of Objectivism. 

PLAYBOY: Then what you are saying is 
that to achieve these changes one must 
use essentially educational or propa- 
gandistic methods? 

RAND: Yes, of course. 

PLAYBOY: What do you think of your 
antagonists’ contention that the moral 
and political principles of Objectivism 
place you outside the mainstream of 
American thought? 

RAND: I don't acknowledge or recognize 
such a concept as a "mainstream of 
thought.” That might be appropriate to 
a dictatorship, to a collectivist society in 
which thought is controlled and in which 
there exists a collective mainstream — of 
slogans, not of thought. There is no such 
thing in America. There never was. How- 
ever, I have heard that expression used. 
for the purpose of ng from public 
communication any innovator, any non- 
conformist, anyone who has anything 
original to offer. I am an innovator. This 
isa term of distinction, a term of honor, 
rather than something to hide or apolo- 
gize for. Anyone who has new or valu- 


able ideas to offer stands outside the 
intellectual status quo. But the status 
quo is not a stream, let alone a “main- 
stream," Ir is a stagnant swamp. It is 
the innovators who carry mankind for- 
ward. 
PLAYBOY: Do you belicve that Objectivism 
as a philosophy will eventually sweep 
the world? 
RAND: Nobody can answer a question of 
that kind. Men have frce will. There is 
no guarantee that they will choose to be 
rational, at any one time or in any one 
generation. Nor is it necessary for a ph 
losophy to "sweep the world.” If you 
ask the question in a somewhat differ- 
ent form, if you say, do I think that Ob- 
jectivism will be the philosophy of the 
future, I would say yes. but with this 
qualification: If men turn to reason, if 
they are not destroyed by dictatorship 
and precipitated into another Dark Ages, 
if men remain free long enough to have 
time to think, then Objectivism is the 
philosophy they will accept. 
PLAYBOY: Why? 
RAND: In any historical period when men 
were free, it has always been the most 

ional philosophy that won. It is from 
perspective that 1 would say, yes, 
Objectivism will win. But there is no 
guarantee, по predetermined necessity 
about ii 
PLAYBOY: You are sharply critical of the 
world as you see it today, and your books 
offer radical proposals for changing not 
merely the shape of society, but the very 
way in which most men work, think and 
love. Are you optimistic about man's 
future? 
RAND: Yes, I am optimistic. Collectivism, 
as an intellectual power and a moral 
ideal, is dead. But freedom and indi- 
vidualism, and their political expression, 
capitalism, have not yet been discovered. 
I think men will have time to over 
them. It is significant thar the dying col- 
lectivist philosophy of today has pro- 
duced nothing but a cult of deprav 
impotence and despair. Look at modem 
art and literature with their image of 
man as a helpless mindless creature 
doomed to failure, frustration and dc- 
struction. This may be thc collectivists 
psychological confession, but it is not an 
image of man, If it were, we would never 
have en from the cave. But we did. 
Look around you and look at history. 
You will sce the achievements of man's 
mind. You will sce man's unlimited 
potentiality for greatness, and the faculty 
that makes it possible. You will see that. 
mun is nor a helpless monster by nature, 
but he becomes one when he discards 
that faculty: his mind. And if you ask 
me, what is greatness? — I will answer, it 
is the capacity to live by the three funda- 
mental values of John Galt: reason, pur- 
pose, self-esteem. 

Bg 


WHAT SORT OF MAN READS PLAYBOY? 


A young man for whom faraway fun is a/ways fare, the PLAYBOY reader hits the heights when it comes to 
having esprit des sports. As quick to make tracks down a rugged run at Innsbruck as he is to hut-huddle 
with his favorite summit snow bunny, he's a perfect prospect for everything from sea to ski gear. Facts: 21.2% 
of PLAYBOY male readers enjoy the flash of flying snow... 34.2% take to the wake on water skis ... 42.496 
go for the greens... 31.1% like their doubles mixed. PLAYBOY reaches a “live action” audience—more than 
enough to snowball your product to success. (Source: Playboy Male Reader Survey, Benn Management Corp.) 


Advertising Offices: New York + Chicago + Detroit • Los Angeles • San Francisco + Atlanta 


ABIT OF A DREAMER, 
A BIT OF A FOOL 


there, on that remote beach where 
he had held her hand, he knew 
the utter loneliness of a man 
who tries to break with his past 


fiction. By ROMAIN GARY 


HE WALKED OUT onto the terrace and 
took possession of his solitude again: the 
dunes, the ocean, the thousands of dead 
birds on the sand, a dinghy, the rusty 
shreds of a net, and occasionally a few 
new signs: the carcass of a stranded 
whale, footprints, a string of fishing 
smacks in the distance, out where the 
guano islands rose like white ghosts above 
the horizon toward a gray sky. The café 
stood on wooden stilts among the dunes; 
the Lima highway passed a few hundred 
yards away. A plank drawbridge led 
down to.the beach; he pulled it up each 
night, ever since two convicts who had 
escaped from the Santa Cruz jail had 
clubbed him in his sleep: in the morning 
he had found them dead drunk in the 
bar. Now he leaned against the railing 
and smoked his first cigarette, staring at 
the birds that had fallen on the sand 
during the night: some were still quiver- 
ing. No one had ever been able to ex- 
plain why they left the islands to die 
here on this beach: they never went far- 
ther north, farther south, but right to 
this narrow strip of sand exactly three 
kilometers long. Perhaps it was a sacred 
burial place for them, something like 
Benares in India, where the faithful 
come to give up the ghost: the birds left 
their carcasses here before flying away 
forever. Or perhaps they simply flew 
straight from the guano islands, which 
were cold and barren rocks, whereas the 
sand was soft and warm when they felt 
their hour coming and their blood began 
to chill and they longed for warmth and 
had just enough strength left to attempt 
the crossing. There was always a scien- 
tific explanation for everything. Of 
course, a man can always take refuge in 
poetry, make friends with the ocean, 
listen to its voice, continue to believe in 
the mysteries of nature. A bit of a poet, 
a bit of a dreamer . .. He had come to 
this beach in Peru, at the foot of the 
Andes, because it was time to give up: 
after having fought in Spain, in the 
French underground, in Cuba, at 47 he 
had learned his lesson at last and no 
longer expected anything from noble 
causes or from women: it was time to 
seule for a beautiful landscape. Land- 
scapes seldom let you down. A bit of a 


67 


PLAYBOY 


68 


poet, а bit of а... Poetry, too, will soon 
be explained scientifically, studied as a 
simple secretion of the ductless glands. 
Science advances triumphantly upon hu- 
manity from all sides. A man comes here 
to run a café on the dunes of the Peru- 
vian coast, with only the ocean for 
company, but there's an explanation for 
that, too: isn’t the ocean the promise of 
a beyond, of an eternal life, а reassur- 
ance of survival, an ultimate consola- 
tion? Let's hope the human soul doesn’t 
exist: that will be its only chance of not 
getting caught. Soon the scientists will be 
calculating its exact mass, density, its 
speed of ascent .. . When you think of 
all the billions of souls that have 
mounted to heaven since the beginning 
of time, there's really something to think 
about: a tremendous source of energy — 
wasted: by building dams to trap the 
souls at the moment of their ascent, 
there would be enough power to light 
up the whole earth. Man will soon be 
entirely utilizable. Already his most mag- 
nificent dreams have been taken away 
from him and made into wars and pris- 
ons. Down on the sand, some birds were 
still standing: the newcomers. They 
faced toward the islands. The islands, 
ош there, were covered with guano: a 
very profitable industry, and the guano 
а cormorant produces during its exist- 
ence can keep a whole family alive over 
the same period of time. Having thus 
fulfilled their mission on earth, the birds 
came here to die. All things considered, 
he could say that he, too, had fulfilled 
his mission: the last time, in the Sierra 
Maestra, with Castro. The idealism a 
noble soul produces can keep a police 
state alive over the same period of time. 
A bit of a poct, a bit of a dreamer. Soon 
men would be going to the moon, and 
there would be no moon left. He flicked 
his cigarette into the sand. A great love 
can still take care of that, of course, he 
thought mockingly, with a strong wish to 
join the dead birds on the beach. Soli- 
tude came over him like that each morn- 
ing, and almost always, the bad solitude: 
the one that crushes you instead of free- 
ing you from others. He leaned over 
toward the pulley, lowered the plank 
and went in to shave, staring with as- 
tonishment at his face in the mirror, as 
he did every morning: “That's not what 
1 wanted!" he wryly assured himself, like 
Kaiser Wilhelm after the defeat. With 
all that gray hair, these wrinkles, in a 
year or two, adolescence will be defi- 
nitely over. Or will it? With idealists, 
you can never tell. The face was long, 
thin, with tired eyes and an ironic smile 
that did what it could. He no longer 
wrote to anyone, received mo letters, 
knew no one; he had broken off with 
others, as a man always does when he 
vainly tries to break off with himself. 
He could hear the cries of the sca 
birds grow more piercing: a school of fish 


must have been passing near the shore. 
The sky was all white now, the islands, 
out to sca, were beginning to fade, the 
green ocean emerged from its sleep, the 
seals were barking near the old broken- 
down jetty behind the dunes. 

He put the coffee on and went back 
out onto the terrace. For the first time 
he noticed at the foot of the dune, to 
the right, what looked like a human skel- 
eton collapsed face down on the sand 
with a boule in one hand: next to the 
skeleton lay the body of a man wearing 
nothing but trunks and painted blue, 
red and yellow from head to foot; the 
third member of the party was a gigantic 
Negro asleep on his back. He was 
dressed in a white Louis XV peruke and 
blue court coat, with white silk trousers, 
but barefoot: the last wave of Mardi 
gras had washed them up on this beach. 
Extras, he decided: the municipality 
gave them the costumes and paid them 
50 sols a night. He looked to the left, 
toward the cormorants soaring like a 
column of gray and white smoke above 
the school of fish, and saw her. She was 
wearing an emerald-green gown, holding 
a green scarf in one hand, and walking 
toward the breakers, trailing the scarf 
in the water, head thrown back, her long 
dark hair hanging loose over her bare 
shoulders. The water was up to her waist 
now, and she stumbled occasionally 
when the ocean came too close: the 
waves were breaking scarcely 20 yards in 
front of her, the game was beginning 
to be a dangerous one. He waited a 
second longer, but she kept walking far- 
ther out, and the ocean was already ris- 
ing slowly in a feline movement, both 
heavy and supple: one leap and it would 
all be over. He dashed down the plank 
and ran shouting toward her, feeling an 
occasional bird under his feet, but most 
of them were already dead, they always 
died during the night. He thought he 
would be too late: one wave stronger 
than the others and his troubles would 
begin — telephoning the police, answer 
ing questions. Finally he reached her, 
grabbed her arm: she turned her face 
toward him, and for a moment the 
water covered them both. He kept her 
wrist clutched firmly in his hand, and 
began to draw her toward the beach. She 
yielded, and he walked up the sand for 
а moment without turning toward her, 
then stopped and looked at her for the 
first time. A delicate, childlike face, very 
pale, with huge, grave eyes, among the 
pearls of water that suited them per- 
fectly. She was wearing a diamond neck- 
lace, earrings, rings, bracelets, and still 
holding her green scarf in one hand. He 
wondered what she was doing here, 
where she came from, in her evening 
gown, with her gold and diamonds and 
emeralds, standing at six in the morning 
оп a forsaken beach among the dead 


birds. 


“You should have left me there," she 
said in English. 

Her throat had a warm glow and a 
purity of line that made the stones of 
her necklace look heavy and lusterless. 
He was still holding her wrist. 

“Do you understand me? I don't speak 
Spanish.” 

"Another few yards, and the undertow 
would have carried you out. It’s very 
strong here.” 

She shrugged her shoulders. She had 
a child's voice and a pale, pathetic face 
in which the green сусз took up all the 
room. An unhappy love affair, he de- 
cided. It was always an unhappy love 
айа} 

‘Where do all these birds come from?” 
she asked. 

“There are islands out there. Guano 
islands. They live there and come to die 
here.” 

"Why?" 

"I don't know. Pcople give all kinds 
of reasons,” 

“And you? Why did you come here?” 

“I run this café. I live here.” 

“You should have left me. 1 wanted 
to die.” 

She looked at the dead birds at her 
feet. 

He couldn't tell if she was crying, or 
if it was only the drops of sea water that 
were running down her checks. She was 
still staring at the birds on the sand. 

“There must be an explanation,” she 
said. “There always is.” 

She turned her eyes toward the dune 
where the skeleton, the blue, red and 
yellow savage and the wigged, grotesque 
Negro lay motionless on the sand. 

“Mardi gras,” he said. 

“I know." 

“Where did you leave your shoes?” 

She looked down. 

“I don't remember . . . I don’t want 
to think about it . . . Why did you save 
me?” 

“One is supposed to do this sort of 
thing, you know. Come on.” 

He left her alone on the terrace a 
moment, then returned with a cup of 
steaming coffee and a bottle of brandy. 
She sat down at a table opposite him, 
studying his face with an extreme atten- 
tion, lingering thoughtfully over each 
feature, and he smiled at her reassur- 
ingly. 

“It will be all right, you'll see." 

“You should have left me.” 

She began to cry. He touched her 
shoulder, more to comfort himself than 
to help her. 

“You'll get over it.” 

"Sometimes I can't bear it anymore. 
1 can't take it. 1 can't go on like this .. ." 

"Aren't you cold? Don't you want to 
change?” 

“No, thank you." 

The ocean was beginning to grow 

(continued overleaf) 


“Do you find moviemaking much different 
here than in Europe, Miss Lecocq?" 


69 


PLAYBOY 


70 


noisy: there was no surf, but the under- 
tow grew more insistent at this hour. 
She raised her eyes. 

“You live here alone?” 

“Alone.” 

“Could I stay? Only a little while .. .” 

“Stay as long as you like.” 

“I can’t stand it anymore. I don't 
know what to do . . . I hate myself 
р 

She was sobbing. It was at this mo- 
ment that what he called his invincible 
stupidity conquered him again, and 
although he was quite aware of it, 
although he was used to seeing every- 
thing crumble in his hands, something 
inside him always refused to give up. 
"The heart: there was nothing you could 
do about it. The foolish heart, that had 
never learned its lesson. A kind of 
sacred, stubborn stupidity, a power of 
self-delusion and of hope that had taken 
him from the battlefields of Spain to 
the maquis of Vercors and the Sierra 
Maestra of Cuba, and to the two or three 
women who always turn up to start a 
man again at the great moments of re- 
nunciation, just when everything seems 
finally lost. And she was so young, so 
helpless, she looked at him with such 
trust, and he had seen so many birds 
come to die on these dunes that the 
confused hope of saving one of them, the 
loveliest of all, of protecting it, of keep- 
ing it for himself, here, at the end of 
the world, and of achieving one victory 
after all, sparked once more all that 
romantic naiveté his ironic smile still 
struggled to conceal. A bit of a poet, а 
bit of a fool. And it had taken so little: 
she had raised her eyes toward him and 
said in a child's voice, with an imploring 
gaze which the last tears made still 
brighter: 
I'd like to stay here, if you'll let me.” 
Yet he was used to it: it was only the. 
th wave of solitude, the strongest, 
the one that comes from far out, from 
the open sea, that throws you back and 
drags you to the bottom and then sud- 
denly releases you, just in time to let you 
rise to the surface again, clutching for 
the first straw of hope you can find. The 
only temptation no one has ever man- 
aged to overcome: the temptation of 
hope. He nodded, stupefied by this ex- 
traordinary persistence of adolescence 
within him: approaching 50, his case 
scemed really desperate. 

"Stay, by all means." 

He was holding her hand. For thc 
first time he noticed that she was naked 
under her dress. He opened his mouth 
1o ask her where she came from, who 
she was, what she was doing here, why 
she had wanted to die, why she was 
ed under her evening gown with a 
diamond necklace around her neck, her 
hands covered with gold and emeralds: 
this was the only bird that could tcll him 
why it had foundered on these dunes. 


"There must be a simple, logical explana- 
tion, there is always one. But it is always 
much better not to know. Science ex- 
plains the universe, psychology explains 
the mind, but a man has to know how to 
protect himself, not let his last crumbs 
of illusion bc wrested from him. The 
beach, the ocean and the sky were rap- 
idly filling with a diffused light, for the 
only sign of the invisible sun was that 
incandescent glow of ever-increasing 
whiteness. Her breasts were completely 
visible under the wet thin dress, and 
there was something so lost about her, 
such a vulnerability, such innocence in 
her pale, fixed eyes, such a fragility in 
cach movement of her shoulder, that the 
world around him suddenly seemed 
lighter, easier to bear, as if it were fi- 
nally becoming possible to take it in one’s 
arms and carry it to a better shore. You'll 
never change, Jacques Rainier, he 


thought mockingly. A bit of a dreamer, 


His room was behind the bar, its win- 
dows overlooking the dunes and the 
ocean. She stopped a moment in front 
of the bay window, and he saw her 
glance furtively to the right; he turned 
his head in the same direction: the skele- 
ton was crouching at the foot of the 
dune, drinking from the bottle, the 
Negro in the Louis ХУ dress was still 
sleeping under the white peruke that 
had slipped over his eyes, the man with 
the painted body was sitting cross-legged, 
staring fixedly at a of high-heeled 
evening slippers he was holding in one 
hand. He said something and began to 
laugh. The skeleton stopped drinking, 
held out one hand, picked up а black 
brassiere from the sand, raised it high, 
then threw it into the ocean. 

“You should have let me di 
said. “It’s so awful 

She hid her face in her hands. 

“1 don't know how it happened,” she 
said. “I was in the street, in the Mardi 
gras crowd, they forced me into the car 
and brought me here, and then . . . and 
then - . . all three of them . . ." 

So that’s it, he thought. There's always 
an explanation: even the birds don't fall 
out of the sky for no reason. Right. He 
went to look for a bathrobe while she 
undressed. Through the bay window he 
watched the three men at the foot of the 
dune. There was a gun in the drawer of 
his bedside table, but he managed to 
resist the temptation: sooner or later, 
they would die all by themselves, and 
with a little luck it would be much more 
painful. The painted man was still hold- 
ing the slippers in one hand: he seemed 
to be addressing them. The skeleton was 
laughing. The Negro was still sleeping, 
his white wig pulled over his eyes. They 
had brought her here, thrown her at the 


foot of the dune, facing the ocean, 
among the thousands of dead birds. She 
must have screamed, struggled, pleaded, 
called for help, and he had heard noth- 
ing. Yet he was a light sleeper; the im- 
pact of a sea swallow against the roof was 
enough to waken him. But the sound of 
the ocean must have drowned out her 
voice. The cormorants circled over the 
waves with shrill cries and sometimes fell 
like stones into the school of fish. The 
islands out to sea rose straight above the 
horizon, white as chalk, They had not 
taken her diamond necklace, nor her 
rings — that was not what they were after. 
Perhaps he should kill them anyway, to 
remind them a little, at least, of what 
they had taken. How old could she be: 
21, 22? She hadn't come to Lima alone: 
was there a father, a husband? The three 
men didn't seem in any hurry to leave. 
Nor did they seem to be afraid of the 
police— they were simply exchanging 
unpressions at the seaside, the last debris 
of a Mardi gras that had satished them 
When he returned, she was 
im the middle of the room, 
struggling with her sopping dress. He 
helped her get it off, helped her into 
the robe, felt her tremble a moment and 
shudder in his arms. The jewels sparkled 
on her naked flesh. 

“I should never have left the hotel,” 
she said. “I should have locked myself in 
my room," 

“They haven't taken your jewelry," he 
remarked. He almost said: “You're 
lucky,” but merely asked, “Do you want 
me to get in touch with anyone?" 

She didn't seem to hear. “I don't know 
what to do,” she said. "No, really. 1 
don't know . . . Maybe I better see а 
doctor first." 

“We'll take care of that. Lie down. 
Get under the blanket. You're shiv: 

"I'm not cold. Let me stay here. 

She had stretched out on the bed, pull- 
ing the blanket up to her chin, shivering, 
Staring at him. 

оште not mad at me, are you?" 

He smiled, sat on the bed and caressed 
her hair. 

“Reall 
be...? 

She seized his hand and pressed it 
against her cheek like a child, then 
against her lips. Her pupils were dilated. 
Infinite, liquid, strangely fixed eyes, with 
greenish reflections, like the ocean. 

“If you knew . . - 

"Don't think about it anymore." 

She closed her eyes, rested her check 
on his hand. 

"I wanted to end it, I had to. 1 can't 
live like this anymore. I can't stand it. 
I want to get rid of my body.’ 

Her eyes were still closed. Her lips 
were wembling a little. He had never 
seen a face so pure. Then she opened 
her eyes and looked up at him, as 

(continued on page 169) 


he said, "why should 1 


ITALIAN Li 
W- tie 


ы 


modern living 
By KEN W. PURDY 


a handful of romans have wrought 
а renaissance in tasteful car design 


THE ITALIANS WERE BUILDING fifie carriages around 1550, and 
they still are: Buy a gran turismo automobile today, one of the 
first rank, a 130-mile-an-hour car, a Ferrari, Corvette, Maserati, 
AC Cobra, Aston Martin, E-Jaguar, and you'll be buying a body 
either designed and made in Italy or massively influenced by 
the Italians. Buy a small car, a Japanese-made Datsun, a Ger- 
man BMW 1800, a British Sunbeam, and the story is the same. 
The much-admired lines of the Buick Riviera are clearly re- 


PININFARINA. Battista Pinin Farina — his name now, by grace of the Italian 


government, Pininfarina — is the doyen of Italian designer-coachbuilders. Ex-racing 
driver Pininfarina has continually turned out of his Turin workshop such clean- 
limbed motor-carriages as, top left, his version of the Chevrolet Corvair, showing 
the wide glassed area and the light roof line which оге hallmarks of his work. Top 


right, the Ferrari Super America, often called the most beautiful expression of the 
modern automobile. Above left, his Florida coupe on a Lancia chassis; from his 
earliest days as a car designer, Pininfarina has been intrigued by the Lanci 

Above right, a Pininfarina body on a British staple, the Austin-Healey. Below, 
о Fiat 2300 set up with a removable top, a kind of modem-day coupe de ville. 


flective of the best Italian practice, The Italians 
are few, in proportion to the weight they bring 
to bear on the automobile industry: a dozen 
designing companies, twice that many top-line 
creative men, a few thousand workers to put the 
drawings into wood and clay and metal, to shape 
and give being to “the Italian line.” 

Like all aesthetic concepts, the Italian line, the 
Italian idea, is hard to lay down in words, but 
at the root, in its highest form, it means plain 
metal, unadorned or very nearly unadorned by 
brightwork; a smooth, flowing, natural line, an 


GHIA. Luigi Segre wos, until his recent premature death, the primary force behind 
the house founded in 1931 by Enrico Ghia. A comparatively small shop, it is fomaus 
lor knowing what non-Italian buyers want in custom cocchwork. Collaboration with 
‘automobile-producing firms is а specialty of Ghio. The Karmann-Ghia, the deluxe 
version of the Volkswagen — designed by Ghia, assembled by Karmann — is а 
case in point. Top left, an a Fiat 2300 chassis, is с wildly imaginative Ghia ren- 


dering of the station-wagan idea. The entire rear area lilts. Top right, a cabriolet 
оп the same Fiat 2300 chassis. Above, Ghia's two-seater coupe on the Fiat 1500 
gran turismo chassis, a typically lithe, lean-figured macchina. Below, the Ghia 
16.4, an Americontalion composite, coochwork by Ghia, chassis by Chrysler. 


intelligent modification of the fish shape that 
is nature's solution to the problem of high-speed 
passage. In the interior, evidence that great care 
has been taken to provide the driver with com- 
fort, stability and convenience: ideally, a bucket 
seat that holds him firmly — hip and shoulder — 
gear lever and steering wheel set for the straight- 
arm style of driving, instrument pane! directly 
in his gaze, individual gauges canted toward him 
if need be; in fine, everything placed to give him 
a long. level look at the road, to keep him in 
full control, to let him know the subdued and 


ZAGATO. A no-nonsense linear flow stamps bodies by Zagato, the house headed 
by Ugo Zagato, and famed for decades os coachmaker to roce-car, sports-cor 
and gran turismo manufacturers. Top, Zagoto's “Spart on the Lancia Flavia 
chassis is notable for the uninhibited rear-quarter glass treatment. Above, the 
lancia Fleminia "Spar" is conventional by contrast, with а flavor of the early 
1940s about it, and a clear suggestion of hond-lormed aluminum in its lines. Below, 
a blood-red Alfe-Ramea Giulio by Zagato, looking precisely whor it is: a two-seater 
made іо cruise along the avtostrada at well over 100 miles оп hour. Notable are 
ће faired plastic headlight coverings, the slontingframed rear-quarter glasses. 
This cor has an abruptly cut reor end carrying o slightly raised lip of metal on top. 


hedonistic wonders of first-cabin private travel. 

Italian domination of automobile body design 
and fabrication as nearly approaches the absolute 
as does Paris’ domination of the haute couture: 
now and again there is a flurry of activity and a 
fanfare of trumpetry on behalf of a new couturier 
in New York or Dublin or wherenot, but in the 
end it is to Paris that the world turns. Every year 
or so Detroit or Coventry or Stuttgart will pro- 
claim a revolution, but nearly always it is no 
revolution, only gimmickery, and the designers and 
the panel beaters of Milan and Turin press on 


BERTONE. The Corrozzeria Bertone, presently headed by Nuccio Bertone, has 
been designing and building auto bodies for six decades. Top, a Bertone treatment 
of the Alfa-Romeo 2600, this a one-of-a-kind. Bertone has long had a close relation- 
ship with Alfa-Romeo, perhaps the most venerated Italian motorcar monulacturer, 
turning out such gems as the Alfa 2600 "Sprint," above left, and, above right, a 
coupe on the A-R Giulia "Sprint Speciale" chassis, showing the sculptured metal 
and restrained trim characteristic of the house. Below, another one-of-oXind, 
Bertone's silver Testudo on the Chevrolet Corvair chassis, The Corvair has attracted 
severcl, European coachbuilders, but Bertone's is one of the most imaginative trect- 
ments the car has ever had. Only cognoscenti would know its engine is in the reor. 


with their work, unmoved. They are perfectly 
secure, and they know it. 

If success in automobile bodywork could be 
found in the first instance, and thenceforth main- 
tained, by the creation of beauty of line alone, it 
would be hard cnough to gain; but the Italians 
cultivate their exotic art in much greater depth 
than that. In the 1920s and 1930s, the heyday of 
true custom, one-atatime coachwork, general 
practice was to take a chassis from the car manufac- 
turer, build on it a strong and rigid framework 
of ash or hickory or some such timber, and lay 


TOURING. Two of its founders, Signori Ponzoni (1) and Bianchi (t), have made 
famous the designation “Superleggera” — Superlight — the trademark of the house 
of Touring of Milano: A body by Touring may be 350 pounds lighter than the 
standard off-the-line body of the car concerned. Thot much weight is important to a 
client who wants to go really fast. Top, a rendering of a British chassis, the Sunbeam 
Rapier. Above, а "Spyder" on the much-used Alfa-Romeo 2600 chassis: elegant, 
chaste and very fast indeed. Below is a Lancia 2800 wearing Tovring's version of the 


new 2+2 coupe, an ingenious effort to stretch the capacity of the usual gran turismo 


Iwo-seater. The Iwo rear seats are nct well-suited to very big passengers; in most 


24-25 — ће form is an Italian innovation — rhe space is better used for luggage. 


Rows este ee 


sets 


over that the hand-hammered, hand-filed-and- 
fitted metal. The end product would be good- 
looking in proportion to the designer's talent, and 
as nearly unique as one’s purse could manage. 
It would also be very heavy, as a rule. It had to 
be, to accept the driving stresses that would be 
put through it. This kind of carrosserie was best 
suited to majestic touring cars and sedate, town- 
bred limousines. It wouldn’t do for race cars, for 
sports cars, for the gran turismo machine in- 
tended for a career of mountain storming. 

‘The Italians have (text concluded on page 171) 


ZU mu ee Se 


VIGNALE. Head of the corrazzeria bearing his name. Alfredo Vignale is more than a designer: he is o craftsman of the breed that made 
Itclion coachbuilding famous. He can, with о hammer, о scriber and an anvil, make an outomobile body out of the bare shee! metal. Much 
of Vignole's work appears on such high-performance chassis оз the Maserati 250, top. This is one af the fastest and rarest touring molorcors on 


the world market. Vignale touches are the overhonging hood, flared wheel housings. Above, a convertible — "Spyder"— on the Lancia Flavia 


ALLEMANO. Serofino Allemano has specialized in the Fiat, and has done especially graceful tours de force on the 1500 chassis, the plotform 
lor the light coupe below. Allemono is devoted to simplicity, and his bodies are deceptively plain. Their utterly natural looks cre metollic proof 
of Allemono's devotion to functional beauty. The forward slope, or flow, of his hood lines are graceful in the extreme, and that line contributes 
remarkably to the forward-leaning attitude of the vehicle. Perfectly bolonced, it has the poised, eager look of a skier just about to push off 


a 


GX 


78 


BIFFEN S MILLIONS conclusion of a new novel By P. 6. WODEHOUSE 


synopsis: Irresponsible is the adjective that pops 
to the lips when discussing Edmund Bifjen Christopher, 
whose habit of looking upon the grape when fermented 
and then pommeling policemen not only has won him 
incarceration on many occasions, but now threatens to 
cost him the fortune bequeathed to him by his god 
father, the eccentric American millionaire, Edmund 
Biffen Pyke, on the provision that young Biff stay oui 
of jail until the age of 30. Self-assigned to protect the 
errant heir are his sister Kay and his best friend, Jerry 
Shoesmith, who is editor of "Society Spice,” a cog in 
the vast London publishing machinery of Lord Til- 
bury, irascible brother of the departed Pyke who seeks 
to acquire the latter's fortune himself. To this end 
Tilbury has engaged the services of the pimpled but 
persevering Percy Pilbeam, a private eye with few 
scruples but fast reflexes. Their aim: to get Biff pinched 
before his birthday, just one week away. Other fauna 
on the scene: absiemious William Pilbeam, waiter а! 
Barribault'S Hotel and father to the reprehensible 
Percy; his niece Gwendoline Gibbs, secretary to Til- 
bury; Linda Rome, Tilbury’s niece and the well- 
beloved of Biff; Henry Blake-Somerset, stuffed-shirt 
fiancé of Kay; and the cop on the corner with the 
ginger mustache, key man to the entire proceedings. 

As Part I concludes, Tilbury and Percy are plotting 
to hoodwink Biff into a drinking bout with the re- 
doubtable Murphy, top tippler of Fleet Street. The 
mind boggles at the thought of what will come next. 


THE MORNING FOLLOWING the Tilbury-Pilbeam conference 
found ВШ in tender and sentimental mood. He and Jerry 
were sitting over the remains of breakfast, and he was 
telling Jerry, who was trying to read his paper, how deep 
was his love for Linda Коп 


It was a subject on which he 
had touched a good deal since his decision to lodge with 
Jerry at Halsey Chambers. 

“But it's odd," he said. 

"What's odd?” 

“The whole setup,” said Biff. "Why do I have this extraor- 
dinary urge to marry Linda and accept no substitute? 
The dullest eye can see that it's a thoroughly unsuitable 
match, and my best friends would try to draw me back 
from the abyss. "Don't do it, Biff,” they'd say. “Ве advised 
while it is not too late, The mate for you is some merry 
little soul who gets tight and dances on supper tables.’ But 
I don't want any merry little souls, I want Linda and 
nobody but Linda. How do you account for that?’ 
“You're getting some sense at last." 

That may be it. Of course, she’s an angel in human 
form and will bring out the best in me. But I sometimes 
wish her ideals were not so high.” 

“You think she'll take some living up to?" 

“Quite a bit. Not that I blame her. She has her reasons. 
Did I ever tell you she’d been married before? Cuy called 
Charlie Rome on the stock exchange. He drank like a fish 
and was always chasing girls.” 

Jerry wrinkled his forehead. 


only one man now 50; 


“Now who does that remind me of? Someone I've met 
somewhere. No, it's gone. What did she do? Divorce him?" 

“Yes. She stuck it as long as she could, and then called 
it a day and no doubt felt much easier. But the reason I 
bring Charlie Rome up is that her схрсгіспсе with him 
has given her extremely rigid views on the subject of be 
havior in the male sex. It has led to her stepping up her 
matrimonial requirements.” 

“The next in line has got to be someone in or around 
the Sir Galahad class?” 

“Or he hasn't a hope. You see, then, what the future 
holds for me. I shall have to reform myself from the bottom 
up, do all the things I don’t want to do, be respectable, 
settle down, limit myself to a single cocktail before dinner 
and one glass of wine during it, Under her gentle guidance 
I shall grow a double chin, bulge at the waistline till none 
of my pants fit me, become a blameless stuffed shirt and 
probably end up as a Congressman. But do I shudder? 
Have I qualms? No, 1 li it. I look forward to it. With 
Linda at my side, I know itll be worth the discomfort.” 

“In fact, you're purified by а good woman's love." 

"A very neat way of putting it.” 

ou want to be worthy of her trust.” 

«Пу. Tha 
© deceived hei 
“When did you deceive her?” 

“Well, I haven't y 
giving Gwendoline 


why it's such agony to think how I 


h: 


but I'm going to this morning. I'm 


bbs lunch today, and one of Linda's 


d between him and his inheritance: the vigilant cop on the corner 


wishes, as I think I told you, is that I shall steer dear of 
blondes. She made me promise I'd never speak to a blonde 


again, and you can’t sit there and say that Gwendoline 
Gibbs docsn’t fall into that category.” 

“What on carth are you giving her lunch for? Why don't 
you cancel the date?" 

"Impossible. You can't just drop a girl like a hot coal. 
You've got to taper off. This is a farewell lunch, and one 
of the things causing me concern is that I'm not by any 
means sure I've enough money to pay for it. I'm running 
very short. I shall be all right, of course, directly Kay 
brings that picture. Linda tells me а Boudin’s worth all 
sorts of money. You said she was expecting to be able to 
get over here yesterday. Well, where is she? I see no signs 
of her." 

“If she came yesterday, it was probably fairly 
she would be busy getting scttled in a hot 

“She could have phoned. She could have relieved my 
suspense and anxiety by putting in a simple inexpensive 
telephone call saying that everything was under control. 
Well, why didn't she?” 

Didn't think of it, I suppos 


late and 


“Exactly. Couldn't be bothered. To hell with a brother's 
nervous system. Let him cat aspirin. I'll tell you something 
about Kay which may make you think twice before leading 
her to the altar, Jerry о' man. She’s thoughtless. She doesn’t 
put herself in the other fellow's place. She knows I'm in 
imminent danger of dying of malnutrit 


m unless she takes 


78 


PLAYBOY 


80 


the lead out of her pants and gets a 
move on with that picture; she knows 
it's my only source of income and with- 
out it І shall soon be reduced to stealing. 
the cats milk and nosing about in ash 
cans for crusts of bread, but she delays, 
she dallies, she loiters, she . . . Hal" 
said Biff as the telephone rang in the 
hall. “That may be the wench now. Со 
and hear what she has to say. And don't 
waste precious time telling her you love 
her, get the facts.” 

Some minutes elapsed before Jerry re- 
turned from his mission. Biff eyed him. 
cagerly. 

“Was it Kay?” 

“Yes, it was Kay all right. She couldn't 
come yesterday. She's arriving tonight.” 

Biff heaved a sigh of relief. 

“Excellent. The sun breaks through 
the clouds. That means I shall have that 
Boudin tomorrow.” 

“It would,” said Jerry, correcting this 
view, “if she were bringing it. But she 
isn’t.” 

“What! Not bringing it? Don't I get 
any service and cooperation? Why isn’t 
she bringing it?” 

“She told me to tell you you were 
better without it. She thinks it would 
be fatal for you to have a lot of money 
by selling it.” 

Biff recled. His were serviceable ears, 
ears in which hitherto he had had every 
confidence, but he was looking now as 
if he could not believe them. 

"She said that?” 

“She did.” 

“My own sister! A girl whom I have 
watched over for years with a brotherly 
eye.” 

а mra ПЁ watching over you 
with a sisterly eye.” said Jerry unsym- 
pathetically. “Surely even you can see 
she’s quite right. You know what you're 
like. You can’t afford to get into trouble 
at this stage of the proceedings, and 
you'd certainly do it if you had the 
necessary funds. You ought to be ap- 
plauding her sturdy common sense.” 

‘The telephone rang once more. This 
time it was Biff who went to the phone. 

“I'll get it. If that’s Kay again," he 
said grimly, “I'll tell her what I think of 
her sturdy common sense. She'll think 
the receiver in her hand has jumped up 
and snapped at her.” 

He strode out, a cold and haughty 
figure. When he came back, his drawn 
face had relaxed and was illuminated by 
a happy smile. He looked like a man 
whose faith in his guardian angel had 
been restored. 

“It was Pilbeam,” he said. “You re- 
member Pilbeam?” 

“I do.” 

“Nice guy, don't you think?” 

"I do not. The original human rat.” 

Bill clicked his tongue disapprovingly, 
but more in sorrow than in anger. 

“Try to correct this jaundiced outlook, 
Jerry. He's nothing of the sort. He's the 


salt of the earth— pimpled, yes, but 
full to the gills of outstanding mcerits, 
and if you want to know how I know, 
I'll tell you. He's asked me to look in 
on him this afternoon and says he can 
put me in the way of making a bit of 
money. "That's the sort of man Percy 


wave of horror swept over 
Jerry. His was a vivid imagination, and 
he could picture what this would mean. 

"Don't touch it!” he cried. “Think 
what you'll be losing.” 

“I don’t follow you.” 

“You know what'll happen if you get 
hold of money. You'll go whooping it 
up and getting pinched.” 

“Absurd. Don’t you think I have any 
sense?” 

“No.” 

“You're wrong. I'm bursting with it. 
However, I've no time to go into that 
now. I'm meeting Gwendoline at the 
Berkeley at one and I have to make 
my toilet. 1 should be glad, by the way, 
if you would lend me a trifle. In order 
to finance the farewell lunch I shall 
need at least three pounds, though if 
you think Буе safer, I shall raise no 
objections. So let's have them, Jerry o” 
man, and then Ho for the open road." 

There are few trysts an impecunious 
young man keeps with more meticulous 
punctuality than those that hold out 
the promise of cash changing hands, and 
Bifl was not a moment late for his 
appointment at the Argus Inquiry 
Agency. Percy in their telephone con- 
versation had asked bim to be there at 
three, and it lacked but a minute to the 
hour when he strode blithely into the 
anteroom and requested the office boy 
Spenser to inform the big shot that 
Edmund Biffen Christopher was at his 
service, Like a flash he found himself 
in Percys presence, the honored guest, 
and Percy was clasping his hand and of- 
fering him a cigar and urging him to 
take a chair and make himself comfort- 
able. He could scarcely have had a more 
impressive reception if the Argus In- 
quiry Agency had laid down a red car- 
pet for him and loosed off a 20gun 
salute. 

"You told me on the telephone this 
morning," Percy said, "that you would 
like to make a bit of money,” and Biff re- 
plied that a bit of money was the very 
thing he was wholeheartedly in favor of 
making. As Percy was aware, he went 
on to add, his prospects could be des 
cribed as rosy — or glittering, if Percy 
preferred that word — but he was at the 
moment sorely in need of ready cash. 
The smallest contribution, he said, 
would be gratefully received. 

"You suggested on the phone that you 
had a job for me.” 

"I have." 

"Something in the private-ocular line?” 

“I beg your pardon?" 


"Detective work, is it?” 

“You could call it that.” 

“Oh?” said Biff, and fingered his chin 
a little dubiously. He was reluctant to 
cast a damper on this extraordinarily 
plcasant chat, but he felt it was only 
fair to issue a warning. "Well, I wouldn't. 
want you to go into this thing with 
your eyes shut, so I ought to tell you at 
the outset that I'm not what you'd call 
versed in the sleuthing art. I don't sup- 
pose I'd recognize a clue if you brought 
it to me on a salver with full explanatory 
notes attached. So if you're expecting 
me to measure bloodstains and analyze 
cigar ash and find out where someone 
was on the night of June the fifteenth, 
you're in for a disappointment. Was it 
something along those lines that you had 
in mind?” 

“No, no, nothing of that sort. The 
job Im thinking of doesn’t call for 
technical skill.” Percy rose from his 
chair, tiptocd to the door, lung it open, 
satisfied himself that Spenser the office 
boy was not leaning on it with a gentle- 
manly ear glued to the keyhole and 
returned to his desk. Biff followed him 
with an interested eye, feeling that this 
was the stuff. 

“Top secret?" he queried, impressed. 

Percy gave a brief nod which, like 
Lord Burleigh's, spoke volumes. 

"Very much so. I assume I can rely 
on your complete discretion?" 

“Oh, sure.” 

“Because this is strictly between our- 
selves ... and, of course, Scotland Yard.” 

“Scotland Yard, eh?” 

"They have called me in. They often 
do when there is some special work to 
be done." 

“You don't say!” 

“The Yard has its limitations. For cer- 
tain types of crime — murder, arson, 
burglary, and so forth — their machinery 
serves them well enough, but when it 
comes to a delicate matter of this sort, 
no. I'm sure you agree with me?” 

“I probably would if I knew what 
the hell you were talking about. You 
haven't told me what the delicate mat- 
ter is.” 

“Oh, haven't I? Well, it doesn’t need 
much explanation. I want you to make 
the acquaintance of a man named 
Murphy. It's no use Scotland Yard trying 
to get at him, he would spot a Yard man 
a mile off. But he would never suspect 
you. You are so obviously what you 
make yourself out to be, a young Ameri- 
can going about London seeing the 
sights and having a good time. I'm sure 
you'll be able to fool him.” 

“Til do my best, than which no man 
can do more. Why do you want me to 
fool him? Who is this child of unmarricd 
parents?” 

Percy put a finger to his lips and 
sank his voice to a whisper. 

(continued on page 144) 


attire By Robert L. Green the sartorial splendor that is rome and madrid 


THE MEDITERRANEAN WAY 


Below: At the Café de Paris on the Via Veneto, our young Romeo is fast on his feet in an offbeat brown nailhead sharkskin suit. The 
jacket boasts slightly raised pockets ond deftly suppressed waist which create a sculptured, slimming effect, by Monte Cristo, $130. 


hile our sartorial safari through 

Europe this year offered fresh proof 
that (as in the days of Caesar's splen- 
didly furbished phalanxes) all fashion- 
able roads lead to the Eternal City, 
we were impressed by a burgeoning 
style center in one of ancient Rome's 
far-flung outposts — Madrid. There we 
came, saw and were conquered by a 
vital trend in men's attire: the Spanish 
counterpart of the Italian influence. 
From Madrid's proud and stately 
Calle de Alcalá to the colorful shops 
along Rome's scintillating Via Veneto, 
this dual fashion fountainhead pours 
forth a seemingly endless stream of 
striking suits, sweaters and car coats 
— some notable examples of which are 
shown here — magnificently tailored 
for wear by the finest Italian hands 
and their cousins-in-craft from Castile. 


Upper left: Being lionized at the Colosseum, 
our Roman sport sports а casual yet char- 
acteristically dramatic blue wool pullover 
sweater, attractively trimmed in white window- 
pane stripes. It proves an especially good 
example of the fresh and farceful Italianate 
use of classical color contrasts, by Brioni of 
Rome, $55, Far left: We see how a brilliant 
new adaptation of a familiar fabric — in this 
instance, cotton suede has been imaginatively 
textured and embassed — can create the basis 
for a driving new fashion force. Hore, being 
given the inside scoop on an Alfa-Romeo, our 
auta buff wears a sleek olive car coat with 
patch pockets апа block saddle-stitching trim, 
by Angelo Litrico of Rome, $100. Left: Our 
Latin-lover seems justifiably convinced thot he 
has discovered just the right combination 1o 
tempt his seductive signorina. To ignite the 
spark in her appraving eye — striking diamond 
patterns, subtly contrasted in quiet tones of 
gray ard white in оп elegant antelope-suede 
and wool sweater with knit sleeves and 
matching collar, by Cortefiel de Espana, $60. 


Right: Basking in front of the light-and-water- 
splashed Trevi Fountain, our sun warshiper 
catches all the lighthearted glitter of Rome's 
fomous coinfilled fount. It's reflected in his 
rust-wool, Tyrolean-inspired cardigan — a col- 
orful, typically Italian reaction to a traditional 
Swiss influence. This uninhibited sweater, hand- 
somely trimmed in beige wool and brilliantly 
highlighted with rich gold buttons, should en- 
counter no difficulty in finding o place in the 
international sun, by Briani of Rome, $55. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY LEN KOVARS 


LIVING WITH LABOR 


ARTICLE BY J. PAUL GETTY AN ENLIGHTENED 
APPROACH TO WORKING WITH THE WORKER 


SOME YEARS AGO, I SAT AT THE BARGAINING TABLE with a group of labor-union representatives who 
sought to negotiate a псу contract with a company I owncd. Union dcmands centered around 
an hourly wage increase which I knew the company could not afford to grant in full. I did, 
however, believe we could meet the demands half way, and felt that such an increase was justified. 

Before the negotiations began, my labor-relations “experts” urged me to give no hint of 
this in the early bargaining sessions. “Play it close to the vest,” they advised. “Offer nothing at 
all until the last possible moment, when the talks reach an apparent impasse — as they doubtless 
will. Then start low and edge the offer up slowly, raising it only as much as is absolutely 
necessary." 

To my way of thinking, this approach smacked strongly of bazaar haggling. It seemed to 
me that such a strategy was beneath the dignity of the company and an affront to the union 
representatives intelligence and could only serve to cause lasting bitterness on both sides. As I 
owned the company outright and thus would not be taking risks with the interests of other 
stockholders, I had no compunctions about following my own, and in my opinion wiser, counsel. 
I decided to try an experiment. 

J went to the initial bargaining session armed with a few simple — but accurate, informa- 
tive — reports. These showed the company's production costs and output, its profit-and-loss 
statement for the previous year, and reviewed its over-all financial situation and the outlook for 
the immediate future. I listened patiently while labor stated its position and demands, ‘Then 1 
handed the documents I'd brought with me to the union spokesman and took the floor. 

“I suppose we could be here for days, arguing back and forth,” I said. “But, as far as I'm 
concerned, it's more sensible to start off where we'd have to end up in any case. The company 
is unable to give you all you're asking — the reports I just handed you will prove that. You can 
have half the wage boost — and that’s the absolute limit at the present time. If production and 
profits rise in the next year, I'll be glad to talk seriously with you about the other half.” 

Having said my piece, I glanced around the table, noting with considerable amusement 
that my aides looked horrified, and the union representatives appeared astounded. I thereupon 
suggested a recess — а suggestion the labor side seized upon gratefully. We adjourned the meeting, 
agreeing to resume it in the late afternoon. 

My assistants were glum. They were certain I had taken the first steps toward giving away 
not only my company, but my shirt and theirs as well. They were convinced I'd handed the 
union the proverbial inch —and that it would consequently insist on taking its mile. At best, 
they expected the union to double its demands; at worst, they feared a long, costly strike. 

When the meeting resumed, my aides filed into the conference room with the air of men 
being led to the tumbrels. J said nothing, but grinned inwardly at their discomfiture. J still 
believed I had assessed the situation correctly and had followed the right course, a belief soon 
verified by the union spokesman’s opening remarks. 

“To tell you the truth, we thought we were in for a long, tough fight,” he declared. “But 
you laid everything on the line and gave us all the facts at the beginning — 50 there's really 
nothing to argue about.” He paused and reached across the table to shake my hand. 

“Mr. Getty, you've just gotten yourself a new contract," he announced with a broad smile. 
‘The remaining details were quickly agreed upon and the contract duly signed. My “experiment” 
proved to be a success that had long lasting and beneficial aftereffects. 

Within the next 12 months, production and profits rose sufficiently to justify granting an 
additional wage increase. A lasting bond of mutual respect was established between management 
and labor. To this day, any disputes are still discussed and settled in the same sort of atmosphere, 
and the company has been singularly free of labor strife. 

The straightforward approach backed by facts worked —just as it has in most similar 
situations Гуё encountered during my years as a businessman and employer. 

The incident is illustrative of my overall experience, in that I've usually found that 
organized labor is fundamentally fair — but that it wants to know the facts. And, when J say facts, 
1 mean precisely that. I do not mean tailored versions, half-truths or vague platitudes. 

Workers and union officials are not ignoramuses. They are perfectly capable of recognizing 


85 


PLAYBOY 


86 


attempts to mislead or misinform them — 
and, like anyone else, they are quite 
likely to resent and rebel against such 
treatment. On the other hand, once they 
are given the unvarnished facts, the rep- 
resentatives of honest labor unions are 
generally cooperative to the maximum 
extent consistent with their legitimate 
aims and their responsibilities toward 
their members. 

T have not encountered any very great 
amount of trouble with labor during my 
business career. Possibly this is due in 
some degree to my own attitude toward 
labor. Unlike some businessmen, I’ve 
never objected to the activities of free, 
honest labor unions. I recognize the right 
of labor to organize and bargain with 
managernent, because I recognize the in- 
nate human urge to a better life. Being a 
realist, | understand that for many — pos- 
sibly most — people, this urge translates 
into a desire to have the best possible 
working conditions and the highest pos- 
sible living standards, and manifests 
itself in the traditional demands for 
shorter hours and more pay. 

True, there are limits— set by such 
factors as production and profits — be- 
yond which it is impossible for manage- 
ment to reduce hours and increase wages. 
It is management's responsibility to con- 
vince labor of this, to define the limits 
dearly and furnish irrefutable facts to 
prove its case. TIl agree that in this 
sense, management does have to engage 
in give-and-take skirmishing with organ 
ized labor — but this is a matter of rea- 
soned argument, not class war. 

I certainly have no patience with 
the all-too-familiar variety of organiza- 
tion man who habitually and indiscrim- 
inately denounces organized labor. I've 
frequently observed that the most vocif- 
erous union haters of this type are indi- 
viduals who demand for themselves 
identically the same advantages they 
condemn organized labor for seeking. 

For example, interviews conducted re- 
cently with young executives and busi- 
ness students show thar the majority 
declares itself to be against unions. At 
the same time, some 75 percent of them 
cite security as the principal reason why 
they work — or want to work — for large 
corporations: 

"There's very little chance of getting 
fired or laid об...” 

"Regular salary increases . . . 

"Retirement and pension benefits , . ." 

“Hospitalization insurance . . 

“Yearly vacations with рау... 

Now, 1 would begrudge no executive 
what so many of them have evidently 
come 10 regard as their due — be it job 
tenure or an annual holiday. But I see 
no logic or consistency in the admittedly 
security-seeking organization man's op- 
ii 10 organized labor's search for 
lar degree of security. 

Like it or not, labor unions are here 


to stay — and so are the benefits they 
have won for their members. The days 
when a laborer earned a dollar for 12 
hours’ work and Henry Ward Beecher 
could publicly thunder that a worker 
who was not content to live on bread 
and water was "not fit to live" are gone. 

None but the most antediluvian spec 
imens dwelling in the murky fens of 
reaction's lunatic fringe would want to 
turn the clock back to the sweatshop era. 
Enlightened modern-day business under- 
stands and accepts the need for trade 
unions, which labor historian Frank 
Tannenbaum has called "visible evi- 
dence that man is not a commodity, and 
that he is not sufficient unto himself, 

Calumet & Hecla executive H. Y. Bas- 
sett expressed the modern business view 
in his frequently quoted essay, What 
Does Industry Expect of a Community? 
"Progressive managements have no quar- 
rel with unions, but on the contrary feel 
that they have a place in the present-day 
world of business," Bassett declared. 

The late Charles E. ("Engine Charlie") 
Wilson's comments on annual-improve- 
ment and costofliving pay increases 
reflect progressive businessmen's attitudes 
toward the security benefits gained by 
labor unions in recent years. “What we 
are doing: is exploiting machines, not 
men," Wilson said. “It is logical, fair 
and reasonable to maintain the purchas- 
ing power of an hour's work in terms of 
goods and services the employee must 
purchase.” 

Charles E. Wilson was clearly aware 
of a basic economic truth which lesser 
businessmen unaccountably often choose 
to ignore or overlook — namely, that the 
worker is no longer just a worker. He is 
also a consumer — a customer. 

‘The entire complex opcrational framc- 
work of modern business rests on the 
foundations of mass production. And, 
where there is mass production, there 
must also be mass consumption — mass. 
markets. Otherwise, there are insufficient 
outlets for the production, the pace of 
business slows, and the economy withers. 

Today, labor forms a sizable segment 
of the mass markets which consume and 
use the goods and services mass-produced 
by business. Labor's prosperity — its high 
earnings and consequent high buying 
power — represents an important factor 
in the prosperity of the nation as a whole. 

Free and honest — and I strongly em- 
phasize the words free and honest — 
labor unions have helped raise the living 
standards not only of the American 
worker, but of every American citizen. 
The gains organized labor has won at 
the bargaining table have, by raising the 
workers’ buying power, contributed ma- 
terially to the country’s growth. 

The myth that labor is out to wreck 
the free-enterprise system has been lov- 
ingly nurtured in certain quarters. 1, for 
one, could not disagree more. I cannot 


see that free, honest American unions 
pose any threat to American capitalism. 
If anything, they are among democracy's 
strongest bulwarks against political or 
economic totalitarianism, 

Гуе observed that most American work- 
ers are well aware that they are enjoying 
benefits and a living standard they could 
never find in any other country or under 
any other political or economic system. 
The majority of U. S. labor leaders are 
cognizant of the grim alternatives to 
the free-enterprise system, and they have 
no taste for them, be they alternatives 
offered by the extreme left or the ex- 
treme right. 

‘The fact that our economy is thriv- 
ing — that our gross national product 
now exceeds half a trillion dollars annu- 
ally—would seem sufficient to refute 
any charge that labor is wrecking or 
seeking to wreck that economy. Even 
more convincing proof is provided by 
yet another fact often ignored or con- 
veniently forgotten by chronic union 
haters. It is that our free-enterprise 
economy has burgeoned during the very 
period that labor unions gained their 
greatest strength. 

“Our members may damor for higher 
wages, shorter hours and fringe bene- 
fits,” a prominent labor leader told me 
not long ago. “But neither they nor 
union officials want to destroy or even 
change the American free-enterprise sys- 
tem, Labor knows it has a big stake in 
business — but it wants business to rcal- 
ize that it, in turn, has an equally big 
stake in labor. 

This is reasonable enough —and so 
are what my experience as a businessman 
and employer have shown me to be 
labor's two basic aims. 

First of all, labor wants to share in the 
wealth it helps create. Second, it wants 
recognition of its importance— not from 
the standpoint of the trouble it can 
cause, but rather from the standpoint 
that it does, after all, do the actual work 
of producing the goods and providing 
the services which business sells. 

"Therc is nothing unreasonable about 
the first aim — provided labor under- 
stands that wages and other rewards and. 
benefits constituting its share of the 
wealth must be keyed to production and 
profits. This, unfortunately, is an axiom 
many workers— and even some labor 
leaders — sometimes fail to grasp. 

Management must explain this axiom 
and drive home its implications at every 
opportunity in all its dealings with labor. 
No effort should be spared to acquaint 
every employee with the fundamental 
truth of business arithmetic—that, in 
order to survive, a company has to earn 
more money than it spends. 

Labor must be made to understand 
that it is necessary for production rates 
to be maintained or even increased and 

(continued on page 141) 


fiction By Jon Edward Manson 
it required a bizarre combination of skill and daring 
Sor the doctor to achieve his mordantly dramatic purpose 


DOCTOR CLIFTON WEFEL, pillar of his community, bedrock of 
his church, generous giver to charity, physician and wife 
hater, jimmied the bedroom window of another pillar of the 
community, a richer one, Judge Snide, and climbed through. 

He closed the window, drew the curtains and, dropping 
the jimmy into his bag, tiptoed to Snide's night table. 

“Soon,” Clifton thought, taking his own pulse, “will come 
the dubious reward of my crime, the throb of my adrenal 
glands that will allow me to touch my castrating wife.” 

He laid his bag on the table, selected a vial of chloroform 
from a tiny compartment, poured a small amount on the 
sheet and, dexterously lifting Snide's head by the right cheek 
and the left ear, placed his nose in the middle of the stain. 

Clifton switched on the night light and regarded the heav- 
ing, gently rolling curve that was Snide. 

"A great man," intoned Clifton, in his best consulting 
Viennese psychiatrist voice, “а great man with virtue, dedi- 
cation, a face like a pickle, and singleness of purpose. He 
daydreams in court, dozes in church and snores at home. 
His Honor, the learned Benjamin Snide.” 

“No thrill in taking only his moncy," Clifton thought, 
thumbing through Snide's billfold. "Perhaps that big dia- 
mond ring on his fat finger?” 

“No,” he decided, “just cash. The safest method to get 
rid of that woman and to live (continued on page 102) 


pıaenosıs: DELIGHTFUL 


our march medicine girl is a sure cure for what ails you 


Р 


ACCUSTOMED AS WE ARE 10 finding doctors’ offices adorned with Winslow Homer 
prints and ancient copies of National Geographic, we were pleasantly surprised 
to discover one graced with the lissome presence of Miss Nancy Scott, whom we 
subsequently coaxed into gracing this month’s gatefold as our March Playmate. 
‘This hazel-eyed medical technician was born, bred and now resides in the environs 
of Hollywood, but eschews starlethood, aspiring instead to a no-less-challenging 
career of interior decoration. A delightful decoration herself, 22-year-old Nancy 
is a graduate of Verdugo Hills High in suburban Los Angeles, whence she entered 
the medical métier via a UCLA training course. “Up to a point," Nancy told 
us perceptively, "medicine is an interesting field for a girl. I've already worked 
for several doctors, and plan to keep moving, since working for different men is a 
continuing education. The one drawback is that there's little opportunity for 
advancement — since I have no chance of ever being a doctor. That's why 1 hope 
to go into interior decorating.” Nancy shares an apartment in Inglewood, a 
decorative flair, and an interest in things medical with her mother, a registered 
nurse. Both are furniture fanciers; one of Nancy's proudest possessions is an oak 
coffee table she recently restored and refinished, and which now graces her jade- 
accented Oriental bedroom. When not decorating, this 5'6" charmer likes to read 
Faulkner (“I think most of it eludes me") and Steinbeck (“He's easier"). In self- 
appraisal, Miss Scott says: “Though I'm sometimes busier than I'd like to be, I find 
time to enjoy paintings, men and Manhattan — Manhattan Beach, California, that 
is." Though Nancy has no immediate intention of leaving the Golden State, she 
hopes that someday Mr. Right will whisk her off to a new life far from Hollywood 
Until then, Nancy is content with the Pacific Coast scene, and based upon her Play- 
mate appearance, we'd say the Pacific Coast should be equally happy with Nancy. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY RON VOGEL 


Above left: Miss Morch arrives for work eorly to prepare patients’ records for the day. Above 
it: Striking —in or out of uniform—WNancy gives her M.D. boss o potient’s cose history 
prior to examinotion. Below: Our tawny-tressed technician assists the doctor with X-roy machine. 


An accomplished freeway negotiator, Volkswagen owner Nancy says: “It's lucky | love driv- 
ing, since | live thirteen miles from work." Above, our Miss March in on eternal femole plight: 
hunting lost keys. Below, mother ond daughter prepore crob imperial for dinner guests. 


PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES 


Why won't you buy me a mink coat?" com- 
plained the girl. "I'm terribly cold.” 

“If you know the answer,” said her boy- 
friend, “why'd you ask the question?” 


A shapely Hollywood starlet, about to go for 
an interview with a producer, was warned by 
her girlfriend, "Listen, honey, I don't want to 
upset you, but this guy has a bad reputation 
with women. If he gets you alone in his office, 
he's liable to rip the dress right off your 
back?" 

“Thanks for the warning,” said the starlet. 
I'll go change into an old one." 


Our Unabashed Dictionary defines wife as the 
woman who stands by her husband through 
all the trouble he wouldn't have had if he'd 
stayed single. 


What,” the girl quizzed her date, "is hot- 
blooded, passionate and hums?” 

The young man thought a bit, then said, “ 
don't know.” 

She smiled and replied, “Hmmmmm . . .” 


The young executive had taken over $100,000 
from his company’s safe and had lost it playing 
the stock market; he was certain to be dis- 
covered. In addition, his beautiful wife had 
Jeft him. Down to the river he went, and was 
just clambering over the bridge railing when 
a gnarled hand fell upon his arm. He turned 
and saw an ancient crone in a black cloak, 
with wrinkled face and stringy gray hair. 
"Don't jump,” she rasped. "I'm a witch, and 
Ill grant you three wishes for a slight con- 
sideration.” 

"I'm beyond help." he replied. and told her 
his troubles. 

"Nothing to it," she said, cackling. "Alaka- 
zam! The money is back in the company vault. 
Alakazam! Your wife is home waiting for you 
with love in her heart. Alakazam! You now 
have a personal bank account of two hundred. 
thousand dollars!” 

The man, stunned to specchlessness, was 
finally able to ask, "What— what is the con- 
sideration I owe you?” 

“You must spend the night making love to 
me,” she smiled toothlessly. 

The thought of making love to the old crone 
repulsed him, but it was certainly worth it, he 
thought. Together they retired to a nearby 
motel, and in the morning, the distasteful or- 


deal over, he was dressing to go home when 
the bat in the bed asked, “Say, sonny, how 
old are you?" 
"I'm forty-two years old," he said. “Why 
“Ain't you a little old to believe in witches?” 


Economists are still trying to figure out why 
the girl with the least principle draws the 
most interest. 


Then there was the girl whose boyfriend didn’t 
smoke, drink or swear, and never, ever made a 
pass at her. He also made his own dresses. 


Our Unabashed Dictionary defines irony as а 
dy day when, just as a beautiful girl with a 
short skirt approaches, dust blows in your eyes. 


\ 


Taking 2 short cut through a graveyard оп 


her closer. 
“Yes, isn’t it! 
“Gruesome, ain't itl” 
“Yes, hasn't itt” 


Heard a good one lately? Send it on a post card 
to Party Jokes Editor, PLAYBOY, 232 E. Ohio St., 
Chicago, Ш. 60611, and earn $25 for each joke 
used. In case of duplicates, payment is made 
for first card received. Jokes cannot be returned. 


“Oh, tee-hee, you white gods are all alike!” 


95 


GLOBAL 
LINKAGE 


no matter what its national guise, 
the savory sausage is a universal delight 


food By THOMAS MARIO 


SAUSAGE is one of the oldest and still one of the 
best devices for separating the gourmets from 
the gourmands. Hungry neophytes generally 
recognize sausage as something you wolf down 
with your eggs in the morning or nibble from 
a cocktail spear at night. But across the ages 
men who've searched the deeper reaches of the 
Sausage cornucopia have come up with some 
of the world’s greatest masterpieces of flavoring 
It is a horn of plenty filled with hot Spanish 
chorizos, mellow Polish kéelbasas, French garlic 
sausages, hard Hungarian salami, fat German 
Wursts, hot Virginia sausage meat—in fact, 
any chopped meat nestling inside a casing as 


well as some chopped meats outside their casings. 


Sausage fancying stretches back into antiquity 
The ancient Greeks spoke affectionately of their 
beloved отуае, the blood brother of the fresh 
pork link as it exists today. It bas always been 
traditional among sausage connoisseurs to han. 
Фе a sausage on the fire as carefully and ten. 
derly as possible. You cook the sausage until 
it’s well done but juicy, and this means intelli 
gent coddling. It was a technique known to 
Homer, who wrote, “As when a man near a 
great glowing fire turns to and fro a sausage, 
full of fat and blood, anxious to have it quickly 
Toast, so to and fro Odysseus tossed . . ." 

When Romans sought future benefits from. 
their gods, they didn't offer up mere slabs of 
meat on the altar, but sausages made from 
the tenderest young suckling pigs available. 
Most popular of all ancient Roman sausages 
was one stulfed with fresh pork, bacon, pine 
nuts, cuminseed and bay leaves. It was the 
link that turned the annual Lupercalian and 

loralian festivals into sausage orgies, So un- 
inhibited were the debauches, and so identified 
with sausage, that Constantine the Great issued 
his famous decree prohibiting sausage eating. 
Needless to say, a thriving bootlegging industry 
emerged until, several emperors later, the 
famous prohibition was repealed after much 
popular protest 

The emperor Heliogabalus devoured sausages 
containing shrimp and crab meat, a combi 
tion which wasn't able to hold 


PLAYBOY 


98 


sausage arena for very long. The most 
happy stuffing always has been pork. 
There are pure pork sausages, pork and 
beef, pork and veal, pork with bacon and 
kirsch, and there are allbecf sausages, 
those containing chicken and partridge, 
and even sausages of foie gras. There are 
sausages of fresh meat and smoked meat, 
canned sausages and aircurcd sausages. 
Some areas hard as the Italian pepperoni 
(which yields reluctantly to an ax) and 
others as soft and docile as the German 
teawurst used for spreading on Melba 
toast. The names of many sausages cele- 
brate the city in which they originated, 
like the Genoa, the Bologna and the 
Lyons. Altruistically, the frankfurter is 
called the wiencrwurst in Frankfurt, 
Germany, while in Vienna, the same sau- 
sage is sold as the frankfurter. Certain 
sections of the United States, such as the 
Smithfield area of Virginia or the Penn- 
sylvania Dutch country, are illustrious 
cradles of sausage making. But varieties 
and geography notwithstanding, when 
опе asks, "Whats in a name?,” in the 
case of sausage the answer is, “Plenty.” 
Many brand names represent the highest 
echelon of the sausage aristocracy. Such 
names as Citterio in Italy, Herz in Hun- 
gary. and in the United States, Deerfoot, 
Jones, and Schaller & Weber, like old 
proprietary names of distillers, are prob- 
ably the best, and certainly the safest, 
possible guides to succulent sausage 
eating. 

Sausage can be worked into many good 
things— with shirred eggs, with waflles, 
with mixed grills, in poultry stuffings 
and pasta sauces, floating on rich soup 
purées and in all kinds of casseroles. 
For bachelor chefs, however, one of its 
greatest utilities is at the cocktail table. 
At the martini hour, consider Thuri 
cervelat and Genoa salami. Thur 
is a mixture of beef and pork; cervelat 
is a bologna, usually without garlic, and 
with a deep sweet smoky flavor; Genoa 
salami is the pepper-flecked, air-dried, 
hard Italian appetizer. In shops, you'll 
often find all three dangling from 
rafters, because they not only keep well 
in a cool, ventilated room, but actually 
mellow and improve with aging. For 
cocktails they must be sliced as thin as 
paper and served biting cold. Arrange 
them on a chilled platter. (To main- 
tain the proper temperature, let the 
platter be small, and replenish it from 
time to time.) They may be picked up 
and eaten by hand, but are more tooth- 
some placed on rounds of thin Italian 
fried bread or on Melba toast rounds 
which are unbuttered and undecorated. 

In cooking hot sausages, the golden 
rule for the chef is very simple: Do unto 
the sausage as little as possible. Let the 
sausage link be cooked but remain in 
its own original profile, sizling in its 
own natural flavors and spices. This 
doesn't mean that your imagination 


must stop every time you contemplate 
cooking sausages. But the main goal 
of the sausage chef is to provide the 
right setting, the appreciative garnishes, 
the sauces that coax rather than bully. 
Plump hot wienerwursts with plain cab- 
bage should remain plump hot wiener- 
wursts, even though they're set atop 
mountains of sauerkraut cooked in 
Rhine wine and juniper berries. The 
only notable exception to this rule 
occurs when you make your own sausage 
meat; that is, when you buy ground 
pork — аз in the sausage quenelle recipe 
on page 143—and when you are free 
to regale the meat with herbs, spices or 
wines to your heart's and your stomach’s 
content. 

As salt goes with pepper, sausage gocs 
with beer. The beer should be cold and 
the sausage should be sizzling hot. Need- 
less to say, the food-and-drink combina- 
tion of both temperature poles at the 
same table couldn't possibly be improved 
upon. 

The following recipes serve four. 


BRATWURST, SAUERKRAUT IN WHITE WINE 


1 Ib. bratwurst 
27-07. can saverkraut, drained, rinsed 
in cold water 

4 slices bacon, minced fine 

1 medium-size onion, minced fine 

34 cup dry white wine 

12 juniper berries, chopped fine 

1% cups chicken broth 

2 teaspoons sugar 

Salt, pepper 

3 egg yolks 

Juice of 14 lemon 

1 tablespoon Düsseldorf or Dijon 

mustard 

Ya cup hot melted butter 

1 tablespoon minced parsley 

Preheat oven at 400°. Place bratwurst 
in shallow pan in oven. Bake uncovered, 
30 minutes, turning when necessary to 
brown evenly. Put sauerkraut, bacon, 
onion, wine, juniper berries, chicken 
broth and sugar in a saucepan and mix 
well. Bring liquid to a boil. Reduce 
flame and simmer slowly, stirring fre- 
quently, until liquid barely covers pan 
bottom. Avoid scorching. Season with 
salt and pepper. Put egg yolks, lemon 
juice and mustard in well of electric 
blender. Spin blender a few seconds. 
Slowly, whilc running blender at high 
speed, add butter, about a tablespoon 
ata time, until it is completely absorbed. 
Add salt and pepper to taste. Add pars- 
ley. Arrange bratwurst over sauerkraut 
on platter or casserole. Pass sauce sepa- 
rately. If sauce is not served at once, 
keep warm, not hot, until needed. 


COUNTRY SAUSAGES PROVENÇALE, RICE PILAF 


1 1b. fresh country sausage links 
4 tablespoons butter 
2 mediumsize onions, minced fine 


2 medium-size cloves garlic, minced 
fine 
\ cup dry white wine 
19-oz. can tomatoes, drained, coarsely 
chopped 

2 tablespoons parsley, minced fine 

Salt, pepper 

y4 lb. mushrooms, small dice 

1 lb. chicken livers, small dice 

2 cups chicken broth 

1 cup long-grain rice 

Melt 2 tablespoons butter in saucepan. 
Add half the onions and all the garlic 
Sauté until onions turn yellow. Add 
wine and simmer until reduced to about 
М cup. Add tomatoes and parsley. Sim- 
mer slowly 30 minutes, stirring fre- 
quently. Season with salt and pepper. 
In another saucepan melt remaining 2 
tablespoons butter. Add remaining 
onions, mushrooms and livers. Sauté 
until livers are light brown. Add chicken 
broth and | teaspoon salt, Bring to a 
boil. Add rice and mix well. Reduce 
flame as low as possible. Cook, covered, 
without stirring, until rice is tender — 
about 20 minutes. Place sausages in a 
frying pan with yj cup water. Cook 
until water evaporates. Continue cook- 
ing over a low lame until sausage is well 
browned on all sides — about 20 minutes. 
Place mounds of rice on serving plates. 
To form mounds, dip coffee cup in hot 
water, pack firmly with rice, place cup 
upside down on side of dinner plate. 
Holding plate and cup together, shake 
vigorously until rice unmolds. Place sau- 
sages alongside rice. Pour sauce on top 
of sausages. 


8 slices bacon 


8 large mushrooms 

2 large firm ripe tomatoes 

Salad oil 

Salt, pepper, paprika 

4 lamb kidneys 

4 slices eggplant, K in. thick 

Ground cuminseed 

Butter 

Juice of 1 lemon 

Preheat broiler. Place bacon in cold 
frying pan and sauté slowly until half 
done. Remove bacon from pan. Let fat 
remain. Add mushrooms and sauté until 
they just begin to soften. Remove from 
fire. Cut out stem ends of tomatoes and 
cut each tomato in half crosswise. Brush 
cach half with salad oil and sprinkle 
with salt, pepper and paprika. Remove 
fat from kidneys. Cut each kidney 
through center, but do not separate into 
halves. Fasten a skewer through kidneys 
to hold firmly open for broiling. Brush 
eggplant generously with oil. Rub cumin- 
seed on both sides of eggplant. Place 
sausages in shallow pan in oven section. 
Bake 25 to 30 minutes, turning when 

(concluded on page 143) 


(у MY 
WN AA à 


éd 


"Keep your eye on the ball, dear." 


Doe OG? 


What word, when printed in capitals, reads 
the same forward, backward and upside down? 


Spiny. 


>») 


FIND AT LEAST 

FIVE WORDS 

WHAGH, PRINT- THERE ARE TWO 
EB IN CAPITALS, NOUNCED IOEN- 
НЕДЕ THE SAME PRONDUNCING 
FORWARD, BACK- NOT INVOLVE THE 
WARD AND IN SINGLESLECTER 
THE MIRROR. М. THEM 


for semantic masochists who almost never get the wor 


YOU LIKE TO WASTE YOUR BRAINS On pursuits of no conceivable] 
practical value? You want something useless to think about dur- 
ing conferences and mectings? If so, here is a word quiz that| 
will leave you ill-humored and no wiser than before. The teaser: 
are arranged roughly in order of increasing difficulty. Mixed in| 
are five trick problems, to add annoyance and outrage to your] 
efforts. For those who insist on a scoring system, we offer 
the following—15 or more right: you're a word wizard, or ај 
cheat. 8—14 right: credit yourself with notable mofmanship. 7| 


or less right: don’t burn your unabridgeds before you read them, ШИН ARE SEVERAL 
- 7 D. if ч FIVE-LETTER WORDS 
QUIZ BY RALPH WOODS _ | BORSE BE 


TAKE TWO LETTERS, 
ONE REMAINS. NAME 
y AT LEAST THREE 


К FEMALE, THE FIRST ЇР@йв= ЕТЕЙ Apea АМАЙ 
hyo THEWHOLE WORDEAIBREAT WOMAN. мад? тз 


ML | WV The two longestmono- 
Wi i N | Е syllabic words in Eng- 


THERES A WORD ИЙ ENGLISH THE FIRST Two те 
GP WRICHSIGNÍPOR Wart. THESHRST THREE LETTERS 


lish have nine letters 
each. What are they? 


WHAT WORD IS MADE 
SHORTER BY ADDING 
A SYLLABLE TO IT? 


LET'S HAVE TWO WORDS 
IN WHICH ALLTHE VOWELS; 
INCLUDING ¥ OCCUR IN 
ALPHABETICAL. ORDER: 


HOW MANY 
PRONUNCIA- 
TIONS HAS THE 
GROUP OF LET- 
TERS OUGH? 


WE DEFY YOU 
TO GET THEM 
ALL WITHOUT 
RECOURSE TO 
A REFERENCE 
BOOK. 


12 


WHAT IS THE FIVE-SYLLABLE 
WORD OF WHICH, IF YOU 
TAKE AWAY ONE SYLLABLE, 


NAME THE 
ONE WORD 
IN ENGLISH 
WITH THE 
GROUP OF 


Make a one-word anagram from 
THE CLASSROOM which is close- 
ly associated with said room. 


E 


LETTERS 
СМТ EW IT. 


э 
15 
Ditto ROOR. 


AND, IN CONCLUSION, 


GIVE AN ENGLISH 
WORD OF 13 LETTERS 
IN WHICH THE SAME 
CONSONANT OCCURS 
SIX TIMES, ANOTHER 
CONSONANT TWICE, 
AND THE SAME 
VOWEL FOUR TIMES. 


WHAT SIX: 
| 


WE GIVE YOU THE 
NASTY JOB OF UN- 


ONTAINS, 

ҮП | EARTHING THE SX 
ТАЗИ | LETTER WORD FROM 
ШЕ | THE ENDS OF WHICH 
woos??? | YOU GAN NOCH OFF 


LETTERS ONE AT A 
TIME, IN EACH CASE 
LEAVING BEHIND A 


17 


There is a groups of five tellers from which él is possible lo make no 
tess than nine five-leller English wouts, plus two common French 
ones — (he fast боо are good exercise for after your meal (hint). 


THERE ARE| COMMON ENGLISH 
TAO PHRASES 

(@accep\pat- | WORD: SIX IN ALL. 
IKDRÓ ME S) 

ON SEVEN 

WORDS EACH 

WHICH READ 

THE SAME 

FORWARD AND кр. Ж а 
BACKWARD. rae 
WHAT ARE Gn ён: 
ТНЕҮ???? 


PLAYBOY 


102 


DELICATE OPERATION (continued from page 87) 


my own life is to keep adding to my 
bank account.” 

“But,” he thought, peeling off a rub- 
ber operating glove, “I should make sure 
of how I feel.” He placed his hand on 
his heart and measured its beat. On im- 
pulse he recited, “I pledge allegiance 
to the flag of the United States of Amer- 
ica, the common law, the Hippocratic 
oath and the institution of marriage.” 
checked his pulse again, and pulled on 
the rubber glove, judging that he'd bet- 
ter do the wall safe also. 

He withdrew another vial, this one 
tightly rolled in rubber and packed in 
dry ice, а syringe, a needle and a small 
drill, arranged them neatly on the 
night table and studied Snide’s blue- 
veined nose. 

“Nitroglycerin,” he speculated, fitting 
the needle onto the syringe, “one could 
kill so easily with nitroglycerin. Inject 
some into a man’s vein and listen with 
a stethoscope as each beat of his heart 
became a minute explosion, one in а 
series of deadly shocks to his system. 
How very Alfred Hitchcock!” 

Clifton aspirated the colorless liquid 
from the vial into the syringe, laid the 
syringe gently on the night table, then 
removed a painting from the wall and 
casually deposited it on Snide's stomach. 

He widened the hole in the lock of 
the lock-and-combination safe with the 
drill, inserted the needle into the hole, 
depressed the plunger and extracted the 
empty syringe. 

Then, very deliberately, he slid two 
wires into the lock, moved back several 
feet, and touched the other ends of the 
wires to the poles of a tiny radio battery. 

The circuit then completed, current 
streaked through the wire, jumped the 
gap in the nitro, setting off an explosion. 

The safe burst open, as the distended 
stomach of a dead man pops during 
cremation, showing its intestines, green 
and bound in tidy packages. 

“That, Doctor Casey,” Clifton smirked, 
“was a successful operation.” 

He quickly broke down his tools, vials, 
syringe, needle, battery, wires and drill, 
and replaced them, each in its compart- 
ment. Then he stacked the bundles of 
bills inside and zipped up the black 
leather bag. 

He climbed through the rear window 
and, glancing back before he left, sur- 
veyed the room: the safe, with its door 
hanging open foolishly like a moron's 
lower lip, Snide peacefully snoring, the 
painting on his stomach rising and fall- 
ing like the tide; the entire scene lighted 
delicately, chiaroscuro, by the night light 
near Snide's bed. 

Clifton, poised by the window sill, 
drank it all in, chuckled to himself and 
felt his heart pounding with the thrill of 
the theft. 

“At last,” Clifton sighed at the famil- 


iar ecstasy of his throbbing glands, “now 
I can face my wife.” 

Clifton lowered himself down to the 

street, all three buttons of his dark-blue 
Ivy League suit buttoned, the handle 
of the black leather bag looped around 
his left wrist. He pressed against the wall 
of Snide's house, stepped out of the 
shadows, walked the two blocks to his 
car and drove home. 
“Home to my wife, lovely Margaret.” 
Clifton said, "the disturber of my 
glands, the potion for my Jekyll and 
Hyde." 

He parked the car, walked up the 
driveway swinging his bag and, putting 
his house key in the lock, thought, “Be- 
hind every great man, they say, there is 
a woman. Nagging bim." 

He heard Margaret thrashing in bed. 

Margaret also was a doctor, a surgeon, 
and lately had become a nutritionist. She 
was a special advisor to actors, putting 
them on special diets, particularly or- 
ganic foods, so theyd be healthy and 
beautiful forever. Margaret had thin, 
stringy hair, skin like cottage cheese and 
а large, red, cruel mouth. 

“Clifton, is that you?” she called from 
the bedroom. 

“Yes, dear. It is.” 
‘Well come to bed!" 

“Yes, dear, right away.” 

Clifton prowled through the house, 
washed his hands, brushed his teeth, 
raided the icebox, eating a pear and a 
piece of organic carob cake. 

“Clifton.” Margaret shouted, “what 
are you doing?” 

“Tm in the bathroom, dear,” Clifton 
replied. 

He walked to the bathroom, locked 
the door and, sitting on the edge of the 
bathtub, read an old issue of MD. He 
hummed a few bars of Celery Stalks at 
Midnight and leafed through an article 
on the history of aphrodisiacs. He passed 
one half hour reading the article, 
scanned the advertisements for surgical 
instruments and checked obituaries. 
Then, thinking there was an outside 
chance that Margaret had fallen asleep, 
tiptoed upstairs to the bedroom. 

Margaret rolled over on her side as he 
walked through the door. 

“Darling.” she moaned, “take me.” 

Clifton sat at the edge of the bed, re- 
moved his watch and ring, placed them 
оп the night table and set the clock for 
seven. 

"Clifton," Margaret said insistently, 
clutching his arm, “I said take me.” 

Clifton allowed himself to be dragged. 
against Margarct. 

He remembered as a child, waiting too 
long before eating his porridge, and hav- 
ing to push the skin against the side of 
the bowl, then gagzing when his mother 
said, Clifton, eat that up! 


And now onto Margaret with his 
stomach churning. 

Like stock footage from a motion pic- 
ture, scenes from с passed through 
the screen of his mind. Medical school: 
the first sickening encounter with bot- 
tled livers, hearts and embryos, films on 
venereal diseases, the bloated bellies of 
frogs, dissected sharks, and sperm on 
glass specimen slides. His internship: 
stomach pumps, Negro youths with neat 
beerbotle and pool-cue depressions in 
their heads, auto accidents with brains 
decorating the streets like some macabre 
Mardi gras. His practice: pushy wife nag- 
ging him into chasing dollars, the basic 
research that he always had wanted to 
specialize in, gonads, cushy behinds that 
complained of pains, apple-hard breasts 
and minds infirm, congeries of glands, 
souls, bones, twisted with desire. 

Margarct rolled him off, and lay back 
sighing a monstrously airy ah, like an 
Hth Century belch. She turned her back 
to him, pulled the bedclothes around 
her and, after a few twitches of her 
thigh, passed into a mindless, undream- 
ing sleep—a sleep garnished with the 
most satisfied of snores. Clifton moved 
away from her and lay on his back, dis- 
gusted and slightly nauseous. 

“That's all I can take,” he said firmly 
to himself. “Tomorrow I instigate the 
final phase of the operation.” 

Doctor Clifton Wefel. general practi- 
tioner in Union Square, New Jersey, al- 
ways dressed and left the house before 
Margaret, nutritionist and pseudo-psy- 
chiatrist, awoke. On mornings following 
a robbery, he arose especially early to 
attend to the exigencies of the theft. 

At six-thirty he awoke to the sounds 
of Margaret's labored breathing, dressed 
quickly and quietly, slipped on his watch 
and ring, then went out. 

He detoured from the usual route to 
his office, caught the Hudson Tube wain 
to Manhattan, transferred. uains and got 
off in Grand Central Station. 

In the huge station toilet, the sanctu- 
ary of the city’s homeless, the anus of the 
vast intestine of a subway system, Clifton 
washed his face carefully, wiped away 
any possible vestige of grease with a 
paper towel and took a small vial from 
his medicine bag. 

He unscrewed the top of the vial and 
daubed some of the faintly yellow liquid 
on his forefinger, quickly applied it to 
his upper lip, then took a mustache from 
his medicine bag and, with а speed born 
of constant practice, pasted it to his lip. 

Clifton studied the face staring back 
at him from the mirror seriously and 
appreciatively. A little bit of Hitler 
smiled back at him, He beetled his brow 
and curled his lip determinedly. “Today, 
Brooklyn.” he snarled, “tomorrow the 
world.” As he thought of the long day 
and night ahead of him, his brow fur- 

(continued on page 134) 


ROM HIS SIMIAN ancestors, man has in- 

herited an insatiable itch to meddle 
with his surroundings. There is а 
straight and unbroken line of evolution 
between a cageful of monkeys in the 200, 
and the Atomic Energy Commission in 
the Pacific. 

Now, a certain amount of meddling 
is an excellent thing; it laid the founda- 
tions of experimental science and of 
modern technology. But the intelligent 
meddler must abide by a few common- 
sense rules, of which the most important 
are: 

(1) Do not attempt the unforesceable. 

(2) Do not commit the irrevocable. 

Though these rules have often been 
broken, in the past it seldom mattered; 
for the damage was confined to the 
meddler and his immediate vicinity. 
This is no longer the case; the conse- 
quences of meddling are now global, 
and will soon be astronomical, 

I have no wish for my typewriter to 
add to the literary fallout on fallout, 
but my first example has to be the Bravo 
explosion of March 1, 1954, which show- 
ered radioactive coral upon the trawler 
Lucky Dragon — miles outside the “safety 
zone” confidently established by the me- 
teorologists. In many ways, this event set 
the pattern for the future; those respon- 
sible were embarrassed, and hurried to 
compensate the injured, but showed no 
particular signs of remorse. Too bad 
about those fishermen, but little sacrifices 
like that have to be made for the “safety” 
of the free world. 

Then followed the long dialog of 
hypocritical self-interest between the 
U.S. S. R. and the U. S. on the subject of 
ig, each claiming the right to 


its policy of massive suicide. As a result, 
every living human being is now ap- 
preciably more radioactive than his 
grandparents — with incalculable effects 
upon all the generations to come, Con- 
trary to some science-fiction writers, fall 
out will not produce a crop of monstrous 


mutants; extreme variations from the 
norm have little chance of survival, and 
less of reproduction. But it will produce 
an endless series of minor defects, ill- 
nesses and premature deaths which, all 
told, add up to a staggering sum of 
human misery. 

"Two centuries ago Nathan Hale might 
regret that he had but one life to give 
for his country; today’s patriots must ask 
themselves how many genes (and whose) 
they are prepared to give for theirs. And 
although the U.S-U.S.S.R. pact on 
bomb testing is 2 welcome step toward 
sanity, who can say how much damage 
has already been done? 

Quite apart from fission products, ou 
modem world is drenched with chemi 
cals which did not exist ten or twenty 
years ago. Almost all of them — DDT 
and the other insecticides, penicillin and 


THE MEDDLERS 


a probing into the hazardous and 
haphazard tampering with na- 


ture by some segments of science 


opinion By ARTHUR C. CLARKE 


its related “wonder drugs” — involve 
some degree of risk. In most cases, we 
accept these risks willingly; penicillin 
has saved thousands of lives for every 
one jeopardized by allergic reactions — 
pets and people may have been poisoned 
by DDT, but it has climinated typhus 
and malaria from whole countries. No 
c but a madman would deny these 
fits, yet we must never become com- 
placent and overconfident. Rachel Car- 
son's strident warning, in Silent Spring, 
was necessary, even if exaggerated — 
though E. B. White saw the danger years 
before, in his unforgettable The Morn- 
ing of the Day They Did I1. That sati 
cal fantasy, now rapidly coming true, de- 
sc a world where the chemists had 


made agricultural products so plentiful 
—and so toxic—that everyone had to 
take regular injections to counteract the 
lethal cffects of food. 

"The terrible thalidomide disaster has 
alerted everyone to such dangers— for 
the moment. It has been pointed out 
that if thalidomide had been developed 
in the United States, instead of Europe, 
"the marketing techniques of the phar- 
maceutical industry, which can saturate 
the country with a new drug almost as 
soon as it leaves the laboratory, would 
have enabled thalidomide to produce 
thousands of deformed infants.” (Helen 
B. Taussig, August 1962 Scientific Ameri- 
сап) The United States escaped this 
catastrophe by good luck and Dr. Kelsey; 
next time, it may not be so fortunate. 

For there will be a next time — though 
по one knows where and when. The 
price of safety, as of liberty, is eternal 
vigilance. The people to watch are those 
pharmaceutical firms out for a quick 
buck, and the defense scientists out for a 
big bang. 

Not that nuclear explosions and 
chemical and pharmaceutical contami- 
nation are the only global nuisances 
committed, or attempted, in the name 
of security. Perhaps you never heard 
about Project West Ford — the bright 
idea of MIT’s Lincoln Laboratories to 
put a third of a billion tiny radio 
antennas into orbit. When they learned 
about it, the world's astronomers reacted 
with near-unanimous violence, protest- 
ing that this cloud of minute satellites 
would interfere with many types of 
fundamental research, for an indefinite 
period to come. Despite an appeal by 
the International Astronomical Union to 
the U.S. Government, the experiment 
went ahead in October 1961. The first 
attempt failed, but success was achieved 
in May 1963. There are rumors of other 
Jaunchings; a recent issue of the authori- 
tative space journal Astronautics com- 
ments on an unexplained U. S. Air Force 
satellite with these ominous words: “It 
is difficult to avoid the conclusion that 
the Air Force is quietly placing addi- 
tional dipoles in orbit.” 

The most controversial, and widely 
cized, of all space experiments took 
place in mid-Padfic on July 8, 1963, 
when — despite a scries of launching mis- 
haps that would have discouraged less 
devoted experimenters, the AEC and the 
Department of Defense detonated a 
megaton bomb 200 miles above Johns- 
ton Island. (Sociological note: In the 
press releases, its always a “nuclear 
device.” | say its a bomb, and I say 
the hell with it.) Once again, there had 
been a chorus of protests from scientists 
all over the world; once again, the ob- 
jectors were made to appear alarmists 
hy bland official statements. There was 
not the slightest risk, everyone was as- 

(concluded on page 168) 


Below, | to r: Pert Pole Jolanto Koscielska ottends typing school in Warsaw, toils port time os chemistrylob technician. Bright 
starlets in Prague film industry, Czech motes Karla Chadimova and Dana Smutna were lionized by press at recent Venice Film Festivol 


EE а 


THE GIRLS OF RUSSIA 


AND THE IRON CURTAIN COUNTRIES 


playboy offers pictorial proof that feminine beauty knows no political boundaries 


Center: Eva Mumiyeze, multilinguol Soviet movie actress, stops traffic in Riga, Latvia's capital, Above, | to r: In native ski togs. 
Elzbieta Stusinska poses picturesquely beside kiosk. Barbaro Szczepensko, Polish airline stewardess, is fromed in Warsow window. 


Below lelt: Onetime hostess with mostest on Belgrade TV, 19-year-old Bebo Loncer is Yugoslavia’s best-known cinemactess. An outstanding Adrict 
coastal ctiraction, she's soon to be launched in the West os Richard Widmark's shipshape co-star in The Long Ships, splashy $6,000,000 Viking epic. 


Top right: Muscovite Lucia Nikitina designs her awn chic clothes, models manufactured fashions ot the city's baraque-balcanied GUM department 
store. Above right: Offering inspiration far Hungarian rhapsodies, Mari Jeremics outstrips fellow fashion mannequins in sylvan setting near Budapest. 


F YOU ARE AN ENTERPRISING YOUNG MALE, you may discover that the lands lying behind the relatively retractable 
Iron Curtain boast an uncommonly rich and assorted source of untapped femininity. From the vast Russian 
steppes to the rocky seacoast of Dalmatia, you will find, if you prove to be 2 persuasive and discerning voyager, the 
warmest of welcomes from a seemingly infinite variety of women whose only constants are a passionate fascination 
with all things American — regardless of East-West relations at the moment — and an admirably uncomplicated sense 
of their own femininity. 

"Today, any man who can afford to spend some $1500 can be his own jet-propelled Marco Polo anywhere this side 
of the Urals. In planning a tour of East Europe, however, bear in mind that the ease with which you will be able to meet 
girls is in almost direct relation to the varying degrees of personal freedom which prevail in each of the countries. There 
are, of course, common political and economic policies binding together the U. S. S. R., Poland, Hungary, Czechoslovakia, 
Yugoslavia, Romania and Bulgaria. However, you should no more expect to find a kind of supranational homogeneity 
in these countries than you would in Great Britain, France, Germany and Italy because of their partnership in the 
Western Alliance. Nevertheless, one rule of thumb does hold true for all countries in the Russian orbit: by and large, 
the girls take a visitor on his own individual merits and not as a representative of his country's foreign policies. There 
may be an occasional militant miss who wants to argue out affairs of state, but don't try to engage her in a political 
dialog unless you are sure of all your facts and figures. You сап be certain she'll be (text continued on page 116) 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY HERMAN LEONARD AND LEN KOVARS 


Top left: Bikiniclad Yvonno Mokynowicz cuts fetching figure ot Warsow poolside. Above left: Polond's Marlo Rzybova is clossical horpist, 
ardent exponent of the twist. Center: Seamstress Andreo Atzel sheds threads, idyls alfresco in Hungarian hinterlonds. Top right: Golio 
Mironovo. style counselor ot Moscow's GUM deportment store, is ottractive orgument for coexistence os mort’s frequent foreign emissary. 
Above right: Doughter of Polish UN delegote, Morgaret Lochs hopes to follow in her mother's footsteps — os winning Warsaw attorney. 


s оз hot-blooded heroine of Polond's prize. ile in Ihe Woler, socks up sun on 


ilted Yugoslovion ceromist ond jewelry designer, lounges languorously in her Zogreb flat 


Below, | to r: Charming troika convenes for cocktails in Moscow cafe; Bolshoi premiere danseuse Eleno Fjbinkina, fledgling bollerinos Lena Mat- 
veyeva and Elena's yaunger sister, Krista. Sun-bronzed Manya Gasparovna is jazz-digging dertal technician in Leningrad, Russio's second-largest 


city. Floxen-tressed Estonian film stor Eva Kiwi occupies affscreen hours with offbeat avocation: she's a freewheeling fon of motorcycle racing. 


Opposite: In leafy seclusion of woods near Budapest, dancer Angela Hetenyi bosks av naturel in rays af setting sun. Above left: Luminously 


lovely Donisha Ilish wos finalist in recent Miss Yugoslavia contest. Center right: Thrice-blessed Zofia Slabaszowska is deemed virtuoso pianist, painter, 


dramatic actress by Warsaw's artistic avant-garde. Above right: Hungary's Mishka Kornsky is admirably equipped aspirant їс gymnastics career. 


Below left: Wearing big grin and teeny-weeny blue bikini, Malgorzata Brouner, o brainy beauty at а Warsaw high school, is hanor student іп 
contemporary literature; her nonpartisan preferences, she diplomatically declares, range from Salinger to Pasternak. Below, center ond right: 
Equally beguiling whether bloused or birthdoy-suited, Karola Kiss is an aptly surnamed secretary in the administrative office of a Hungarian tex- 
tile plont. Coreer girl about town, she's o talkative table-hopper at impromptu coffee Katches in open-air cafés frequented by her friends. 


Above, | to г: Blithe-spirited Iren Barsony bare-hugs tree trunk in forest north аі Budopest. Despite elegant outward appearances, Moscow- 
bred Macha Popava longs for rugged rural life as pioneer settler on Siberian steppes, where she plans to pursue career in animal husbandry 


Above: Though the universal message af her sultry Slavic magnetism requires no translation, strap-teaser Dubravka Vugec commuricates no less flu- 
ently in English, which she intends ta teach on graduation fram college in Belgrade, where she shows superb athletic form an coed basketball team. 


Below, | lo r: As opulently oppurtenanced as her baroque boudoir in Prague, night-blooming Czech novelist Annelie Goldegg rises after dark, writes 
till midnight, twists till down. Warsaw bird watcher Bozena Kedzierska nurtures notion of becoming woman of the soil: she's on aspiring agronomist. 


Above, | to r: Bozeno Mysbinsko, clerk in Warsaw Bureau of Statistics, displays skill with figures — in this cose, her own — on dance floor of 
vinging cellar club. Steno іп stote welfore office, Dubravka Milishevish promenodes prettily through Belgrade park in Americor-style casuol wear. 


Below, | to r: Typecast os patriotic heroine in partyline movie polboilers, Yugoslav stor Milena Dravic dofls peasant costume to pose provoco- 
tively in Belgrade pad. Sunny Saturdays find Larissa Yorominok, soft-sell salesgirl at Moscow's GUM department store, trimly swimsuited о! poal. 


tet center: Stalino Azamatova is prima ballerina in her native Tadzhikiston. Above left: Milica Stojisilievic is Belgrade architecture major whase own 
superstructure merits study. Above right: Fellow Slovene Manjo Golec, sloe-syed premed coed, can look forward to SRO crowds of male patients. 


Below, loh Eorthy Dunjo Reiter, multifacile actress in Yugoslavian theater ond films, is equally ot eose in Greek tragedy ond light comedy; 
slotuesque fashion model Vesro Bekavac recently refused Hollywood picture offer to enroll for languoge study ot the University of Belgrade. 


Top right and facing page: When her burgeoning meosurements outgrew tutu, our comely cover girl oberovo abondoned ballet, took 


screen test, become firs-magnitude stor in Czech cinemo. Above, left ord center: 17 year-old Evo Fichtnew is young Polish foshion mannequin, 


\rilinguol traveler to Europeon capitols, unpaid Thespian in Worsow's Student Theater productions. Above right: An oristocrolic blond of broedi 


ond beouly, Beoto Tyszkiewicz — o Polish countess — is beside herself in hoppy reflection of mirror in the drawing room of her Warsow monsion 


GIRLS OF RUSSIA 


sure of hers. Speaking of facts and fig- 
ures, it is perhaps fitting to lead off our 
study of Eastern European girls with 
some data on the country containing the 
largest number: the Union of Soviet So- 
cialist Republics. Covering опе sixth of 
the earth's land surface, with 208,826,000 
people (20,000,000 more women than 
men), and with more than 60 separate 
nationalities, cultures and languages, 
there is a positive embarras du choix 
when it comes to girls. Even in the days 
of the czars, Russia was a singularly insu- 
lar land — more so, indeed, than it is 
today — fearful of foreign visitors and 
loath to allow her subjects to venture 
abroad. In any case, as am American 
visitor you will discover, with a sense of. 
pleasant surprise, that your exotic na- 
tionality produces prodigious attraction 
and curiosity on the part of Soviet girls 
—and conversely, their exotic charms 
will have the same effect upon you. 
Moscow, with over 5,000,000 people, 
is the largest city in the U.S.S. R. Girls 
from all over the Soviet Union flock 
there for the same reason that American 
girls flock to New York: to take advan- 
tage of superior educational and pro- 
fessional opportunities; in short, to 
succeed. And because you may not have 
the time, money or requisite travel per- 
mits to savor the pulchritudinous repre- 
sentatives of the U.S.S. Rs myriad 
national groups at first hand, it may be 
best for you to concentrate your time and 
energies in Moscow. There you will dis- 
cover the slim, exquisite Tadzhikistant 
ballet student; the merry-eyed, bea: 
proportioned Ukrain 
skinned Georgian high-fashion model; 2 
flaxen-haired electronics engineer from 
Latvia. The image of the husky Stakhano- 
vite lass who could drive a tractor as 
well as any man is fading fast in the 
U.S.S. К. Not because girls don't drive 
tractors anymore, but because today the 
inroads of make-up, perfume, beauty 
parlors, and uplift bras can be seen — 
and appreciated — everywhere. The bla- 
tant Victorianism of official Soviet sex- 
ual morality is more apparent than real. 
The Russian girl who, in public, is so 
crude as to allow her boyfriend to hold 
her tighdy around the waist may incur 
hostile glances and even slurring re- 
marks on the part of pasersby. Never 
theless, the basic sexual attitudes of 
Soviet women — and men, for that mat- 
ter—are sensible and healthy mainly 
because sex education is, as in Scandi- 
navian countries, an intrinsic part of the 
Russian curriculum. Moreover, birth- 
control information and service are 
available at free public clinics through- 
out the Soviet Union. In Russia, abortion 
is not the shady, dangerous and costly 
matter it is in the United States. Any 


116 woman who finds herself saddled with an 


(continued from poge 106) 


unwanted pregnancy may have a legal 
formed fice and safely at a 
at the hands of justly 
famous Soviet physicians — 75 percent of 
whom are women. 

Although you may encounter girls in 
such — by American standards — unfemi- 
nine occupations as ship captain, ditch 
digger, road builder, construction engi- 
neer or cosmonette, you will be agree- 
ably surprised to find they all share a 
remarkable quality: soft, yielding wom- 
anliness. There is none of the edgy 
competitiveness of their American career- 
girl sisters. These girls may handle 
a rivet or a shovel all day, but when 
they look up meltingly into a man's 
eyes, there's no doubt as to who they 
think is the most. 

Getting to know Moscow women is an 
ego-boosting, if somewhat stamina-chal- 
lenging, experience. Russian girls prob- 
ably possess the most soulful, expressive 
eyes of all womankind. They may be 
speaking to a man about the weather, 
but their eyes engage in an ancient and 
infinitely more interesting form of com- 
munication. By and large, however, 
Russian girls on the streets are not prone 
to give the eye to a stranger even if they 
find him attractive. As a matter of fact, 
you may get the uneasy feeling on the 
first day in Moscow that you're invisible. 
But your first words of actual conversa- 
tion with a pretty Russian girl will prove 
how wrong you are, Although she may 
come to terms very rapidly with her own 
—and her new-found friend's — desires, 
she feels no relationship is complete un- 
less wrapped in great clouds of passion- 
ate and romantic declarations, preferably 
She demands all the 19th Century 
trappings of romantic sentimentality. A 
Muscovite speaking of Russian love ob- 
served cynically, “А couple may know, 
and expect, that their affair isn't going to 
last more than two or three days, but 
both will carry on as if it's the passion of 
their lives. "Tears, lengthy protestations 
of love, tears, lengthy discussions of why 
it can't last, more tears. When they do 
break up they promise to meet again to 
talk it all over—and they usually do, 
with lots of sobbing.” 

It is perhaps well for a visitor inter- 
ested in a romantic checking out of 
Soviet womanhood to forego the pictur- 
esque charm of a subzero. snow-covered 
Moscow — first snows come in early 
October — as many a beautiful friendship 
has gone unconsummated purely on the 
"where can we be alone" question. So- 
viet society, despite (by Western stand- 
ards) remarkably liberal laws on divorce 
and abortion, frowns on the casual en- 
counter. No overnight visitors are per- 
mitted in guests’ hotel rooms, and those 
trying to stay later than ten have often 
been expelled bodily by an 


and husky female hall porter. The 
apartment situation for Muscovites and 
practically all other Russians, for that 
matter, is still exuemely tight, and most 
girls share tiny flats with their large 
families. There are the big wooded park- 
lands, but vigilant policemen patrol 
regularly to keep young couples from 
dalliance. 

The one foolproof technique, opera- 
tive only in the summer months. is the 
overnight boat trip up the Moscow Canal 
to the Volga River. Khimki, Moscow's 
port, links the capital with the White 
Sea, the Black Sea, the Caspian Sea, the 
Aral Sea and the Sea of Azov. For five 
dollars you can buy yourself and your 
female companion an admirably private, 
first-class stateroom with all appoint- 
ments aboard a large, modern river 
steamer. Discreet, efficient room service 
brings vodka, caviar, iced borscht or 
chilled sweet Georgian champagne. 

In Russia it is considered perfectly 
proper for a visitor to ask a woman to 
dance without an introduction. Remem- 
ber this, especially, when you pay a visit 
to the official yet chic and popular Com- 
munist Youth Clubs, where, curious as it 
may scem, some of the best jazz bands 
and the most attractive girls can be 
found. 

In keeping with the general Y. M. С. A. 
aura in Russia, all night life tends to 
come to a halt at the witching hour. 
Only on special occasions like film fes- 
tivals or international youth events are 
all-night clubs opened up — nominally 
for the distinguished foreign visitors un- 
accustomed to the early-to-bcd way of 
life. 

A fine place to strike up an easy 
friendship is the huge modern outdoor 
Moskva swimming pool situated in а 
large green park with a fine view of the 
Kremlin's golden onion-topped turrets 
glinting in the sun. As the mercury often 
rises close to 100 degrees during the Mos- 
cow summer, the pool is an excellent 
spot to keep cool while deciding who will 
be your evening's companion. 

An agreeable prelude to a late-evening 
stroll or midnight boat ride may bc din- 
ner at the Uzbekistan Restaurant. There, 
in a dimly lit garden by a softly bubbling 
fountain, the romantic, wailing strains 
of a native Uzbek orchestra furnish ap- 
propriate mood music. Sure to delight 
a Moscow girl is an invitation to dinner 
at the city's best restaurant, the Aragvi, 
where the cuisine is Georgian. 

It is the proud boast of the Soviets 
that they have done away, once and for 
all, with that reprehensible concomitant 
of capitalism, the prostitute. By and 
large that is true, but the discerning 
visitor will note a small number of young 
women who ply their trade in the late 
evening near some of the large hotels in 
the vicinity of Red Square. 

(continued an page 136) 


HOW DID IT EVER GET ON TELEVISION ? 


humor By RORY HARRITY being a series of letters between horace whipple, chief 
television coordinator for sommers & hunge, advertising, and his 
company’s most important client, laurence s. darquee, happy d'arquee pancake mixes 


SOMMERS & Lita УЕ nins NG 


600 MADISON AVENUE, NEW YORK, N. Y. 10022 / TELEPHONE 212 555-2368 / CABLE SOMHUNG 


Thursday, May 26 
Dear Larry, 

First, let me say how much Mrs. Whipple and I enjoyed last Sunday 
in the country with you and Mrs. D'Arquee. You can't imagine what it 
means for an advertising man who is pretty much in the thick of it, six 
or seven days а week, to just kick over the traces and go out to Scars- 
dale. Of course, it was a pity it rained and you and I missed that little 
"have at you" on the links we'd been planning, but it certainly made 
the day for the girls with 11 rubbers of what, in my opinion, was really 
first-class bridge. 

And the food. If I hadn't been sold on Happy D'Arquee products 
before I got thore, I certainly would have beon by tho time I left. Who | 
would have thought that any woman, even Mrs. D'Arquee herself, could i 
serve three entire meals plus one late-evening snack consisting en- 
tirely of pancakes! | 

I was also very glad, Larry, that you and I had a chance to sit down 
and really talk things out — and I would like to say right here and 
now that I agreed with you one hundred percent about having a strong, 
built-in identification — plot and/or characterwise — between Happy 
D'Arquee Pancake Mixes and any television series you end up sponsor- 
ing. It is all too easy, as you have pointed out, to arbitrarily arrive 
at a situation or a cast of characters who go blithely off in any direc- 
tion some fanciful writer wishes without any consideration of the 
sponsor's product, which, after all, is the writer's meal ticket. 

Accordingly, as soon as I got to the office on Monday, I called a 
meeting of the top creative minds here at Sommers & Hunge. The problem 
— as I interpreted it to them from our meeting — was to come up with 
an idea for a television series that was inextricably bound up with 
the product — and was also writerproof. Well, during those next two 
hours there must have been three or four dozen ideas volleyed across 
the conference table, but nobody could win match point. If it was about 
pancakes it wasn't writerproof; if it was writerproof it wasn't about 
pancakes. We were just about to call it a day when Roscoe D. Hunge (the 
"Нипде" of Sommers & Hunge) came into the conference room. Now, I don't 
think I'm exaggerating, Larry, when I say that Mr. Hunge is one of the 
finest creative minds in the country today. 

"What's the score, Whipple?" he asked. 

"Lovo-six, sir," I said. "Theirs." 

"Well, drive it over the net, Whipple," ho said, "I need the 
exercise." 

I explained the situation and then, almost immediately, without 
even appearing to think, Mr. Hunge started to speak. 

"Gentlemen," he said, "I think we'll all agree that today's tele- 
vision market is bull for the functionary. The maid, the carpenter, 
the plumber, the policeman — these are the (concluded on page 172) 


“Mr. Farnsworth, you 

must have been born in March — 
you come in like a 

lion and go out like a lamb." 


the tale of à welcoming wife - 


Ribald Classic from The Golden Ass by Apuleius 


THERE ONCE LIVED in ancient Greece a 
man of nasty nature who kept his beau 
e locked up in his house aj 


with her, One day he had to depart on 
a mission to a far town. Before he left 
he sent for the cunuch Myrmex and said 
to him: “Slave! If any man so much as 
touches my wife with the tips of his 
fingers as he passes her in the street, I'll 
chain you up in a dungeon and starve 


you to death.” The husband then set out 
on his trip with his mind at rest. 
Myrmex, who was terribly frightened 


by his master, kept the wife, Arcte, shut 
doors all day spinning wool, and whe 
she had to go out in the evening to the 
baths he went with her, clinging tightly 
to a corner of her skirt. 

Her beauty had escaped the eyes of 
no man, however, and one, a handsome 
young connoisseur of women named 
Philesietaerus, felt not only challenged 
by her reputation for impregnable virtue, 
but also by the extraordinary precautions 
taken to guard it. To test his own теше 
—and hers—he caught Myrmex alone 
one day, after the cunuch had locked. 
Areté safely in her house, and told him 
of his passion, imploring the slave to 
find some way to ease the torment. “You 
have nothing to fear,” said the lover. 
“АП І have to do is steal into the house 
by night and come out again almost at 
once.” Then he showed Myrmex a hand- 
ful of shining gold coins straight from 
the mint. “These could be yours,” he 
suggested. 

The proposal so staggered the slave 
that he rushed away in terror without 
listening to another word. That night, 


torn between duty and gold, he could not 
sleep. By morning, however, gold had 
won, and he ran to his mistress’ bedroom. 
and delivered Philesietaerus! message. 
When she, piqued by her confinement, 
coyly complied, he was overwhelmed and 
ran to the lover's house to tell him that 
Areté would receive him. Philcsictacrus 
paid the fellow on the spot. 

That night Myrmex brought Philesie- 
taerus, muffled and disguised, into Areté's 
chamber; but about midnight, while the 
two lovers were at sport, a loud knock 
sounded on the front door, for her hus- 
id had unexpectedly returned. When 
no one answered his summons, he began 
shouting and pounding the door with a 
stone, threatening to put Myrmew 
torture both unique and extr The 
slave, in a state of mortal terror, qua- 
vered back that he had hidden the key 
so carefully that he couldn't find it in 
the dark. Meanwhile, Philesictacrus, 
alarmed by the commotion, had hur- 
riedly dressed and run from Areté's 
chamber, unfortunately forgetting his 
shoes. Myrmex then unlocked the front 
door and admitted the husband, who 
hurried to his wile’s room while the lover 
slipped out the door unnoticed. 

When the husband arose the following 
morning he found a forcign pair of shoes 
beneath his bed. At once he assumed the 
truth and, swearing to trace his wife's 
lover by means of his boots, he slipped 
them into his pocket, then ordered Myr- 
mex’ hands to be chained behind him. 
Followed by the weeping and howling 
slave, he then strode down the strect 
toward the dungeon, his face distorted 
with fury. 

By a stroke of luck Philesietaerus hap- 


pened to come along the street at that 
moment. At the sight of the angry master 
and the terrified eunuch, he was forcibly 
reminded of the slip he had made in his 
huny to escape from the bedroom. 
‘Thinking fast, he rushed at Myrmex, 
shouting at the top of his voice, " - 
guard! I hope your master will punish 
you as you deserve!” He began to pom- 
mel the bewildered slave, bellowing the 
while, "I know you all right, you're the 
thief who stole my shoes at the baths 
yesterday afternoon!” 

Taken in completely by Philesictacrus" 
words, the husband angrily landed a 
vigorous kick on Myrmex’ hindquarters 
and roared, "Slave! If you do not want 
to spend the rest of your days 
dungeon, return the gentleman's slippers 
to him at once!” And with more threats 
and oaths, he thrust the shoes at the 
cunuch, who, asking for forgiveness, lost 


na 


no time in handing them to Philesic- 
хасти. The lover, with an expression 
stern and haughty, then let his mistress" 
husband apologize at great length before 
he condescended to say, "I understand 


the matter well, 
not to be trusted. 
Agreeing wholeheartedly, the husband 
then took his leave of Philesictaerus, say- 
ag, with a lascivious wink, that he must 
hurry home to enjoy those delights he 
had recently missed. because of his jour- 
ney but which, succulent and unim- 
aired, had been preserved for him by 
his impregnable and virtuous wife. 
"Then, do make haste,” replied the lover, 
ow smiling as he returned the wink, 
for a wife left alone becomes а wel- 

coming one indeed.” 
— Retold by John D. Keefauver 


Slaves these days are 


Ba 119 


how to talk dirty and influence people 


é 


d ? 
^ij hy 


wa 


Ever since I started using 
that greasy kid stuff, my head 
keeps slipping out of sight. 


ш conclusion of an autobiography by lenny bruce 


SEI HOpsisz Lost month, in Part V of his autobiog- 
zaphy, Lenny Bruce described his narcotics arrest in 
Philadelphia, and the way in which this seemed to 
initiale a growing pattern of arrests and other har- 
assments. The Philadelphia grand jury ignored his 
bill, thus refusing to indict him, but from then on 
Lenny was in trouble everywhere he went. He was 
arrested for obscenity in San Francisco, and acquitted. 
He flew to England and, having been refused admis. 
sion without a hearing, was stripped and searched for 
narcolics upon his return to New York. He was ar- 
rested for obscenity in Chicago, and given his first 
conviction, in absentia, having been unable to return 
to Chicago under the terms of his bail on another 
narcotics charge, this one in Los Angeles. The story of 
that arrest, and the tribulations that followed, is told 
in this concluding installment, which portrays a man 
conscious of the fact that from now on, wherever he 
goes, whatever he docs, he is forever under suspicion. 


RECENTLY, | WAS OFFERED a writing gig on a TV series 
for $3500 a week. And I really was happy about that. 
But alter two days, negotiations went right into the 
can. The company's New York legal department had 
killed it. 

Because of the morality clause. 

When Rod Amateau had com kstage and offered 
me the writing assignment, I had just given my last 
two possessions — my record player and my camera — 


to a secretary in lieu of payment. 

oral turpitude, They said the decision related to 
my arrests for obscenity and narcotics, and the sponsor. 
The thing 1 really felt bad about was that Rod An 
асап had worked so hard to get me the gig, and I'm 
sure he felt ashamed. He shouldn't have been sub- 


jected to that, 

1 got really busted out as the arrests began to cut 
off my income. For the first time in my life I had 
checks bouncing, and 1 ruined an eight-year credit 
rating. Right down the drain. 

The morality clause. I'd encountered morality before. 

When I lost my screenwriting job at 20th Century- 
Fox, I hadn't thought my financial woes would last, 
because I'd kept on working at the burlesque clubs. 

Also, a producer had introduced me to a big star 
who became bigger by playing Las Vegas in a peekaboo 
s, and asked me to write a piece of special material 
for her for 5500. I did, and she sent me a wire from her 
show, thrilled — “THE MATERIAL WAS GREAT." She was 
never home after that, though, and I wanted to get my 
money. Her mother gave me the brush: "Look, you 
— we found out you work in burlesque, and if you 
bother us once more, we're going to black-list you with 
the Writers Guild." 


When my t for the alleged possession of heroin 
came to court in Los Angeles, 1 wouldn't take the oath. 
You'd assume that legions of perjurers would say: 
“Well, how come you swore to God and then you lied? 

(continued on page 124) 


My love for California is flag- 
ging. Atlempting to escape 
autograph hounds, 1 employ 
а standard ruse. 


The efficient gas-station 
attendant, at right, has 
not only Simonized my 
car, but cleaned out the 
back seat as well; 1 
wonder what the service 
charge will be. 


Look, look. See the photographer chase Lenny 


ee Lenny wave, 
See the photographer jall down. See Lenny run. Run, Lenny, run. 


121 


122 


STANLEY KUBRICK reel arts rectifier 


THE AVERAGE FILMGOER might well hesitate before buying 
ducats to movies about frustrated love, unsuccessful 
thievery, public executions, World War Ш or similar 
downbeat subjects when secking diverting entertainment. 
But hip moviegoers look forward to such morose themes 
if the director's credit reads: Stanley Kubrick. At 35, he 
has already injected new life into a sa U.S. cinema 
with Lolita, The Killing and Spartacus, while his latest 
release, Dr. Strangelove: or How 1 Learned to Stop 
Worrying and Love the Bomb, as almost everybody 
should have heard by now, even finds fun in nuclear 
Starring ubiquitous Peter Sellers in a triple role 
as the President of the United States, a German “nuclear 
and an R.A.F. group captain, it handles 
iously the events contingent on ccidentally 
ggered atomic war by a psychotic Air Force general 
(Sterling Hayden) who blames the Russians for every- 
thing [rom fallout to fluoridation. Tackling touch: 
themes fails to faze Kubrick; his handling of the 
“unfilmable” Lolita won for it the approval of both the 
Production Code Administration and the Legion of De- 
cency, and his Paths of Glory, rejected by every major 
studio and eventually filmed in Germany, copped the 
Grand Prix de la Critique in Brussels. Eschewing the 
posh home and sycophantic entourage of the stereotype 
Hollywood director, Kubrick lives simply, hopes to some- 
day do a Civil War film based on Mathew Brady's photos. 


DMITRI KASTERINE. 


JASPER JOHNS рор arts grandpop 


FIVE YEARS лсо Jasper Johns was inconspicuously paint- 
ing beer cans, targets, coffee jars and American flags in а 
lonely loft over a Lower Manhattan sandwich shop, just 
a grantinaid's throw from the pillared minarets of Wall 
Street. Today his pictures hang in museums and galleries 
in New York, Stockholm, Rome and Milan, and bring 
from $2500 to 515,000 in assorted currencies everywhere. 
lle has moved uptown to an atelier overlooking the 
Palisades and has become, at 33, the grand old man of 
рор art—a semircbellious attempt by a group of young 
artists to celebrate the commonplace by pots-and-panning 
in on “the new American ipe." This postgradu- 
ate school of the avant-garde has been described by critics 
in terms ranging from "an art so sophisticated that its 
appreciation demands a high deg re- 
ness” to "a triumph of the inane”; but, whatever thc 
merits of the movement, it is generally acknowledged 
that Johns’ paintings have legitimate beauty. Hi 
limned in various hues including white on white, 
gets, in reds, blues and yellows, have been defined as 
‘singularly banal yet extraordinarily effective,” forcing 
the viewer to focus on the canvas itself “to meet it as an 
immediate and direct painting exp Of late, 
apparently surfeited with the soup-can school and daub- 
tired of neo-Dadaism, Johns — a wispy, South Carolina- 
born bachelor—has begun to deny that he pop 
arist at all, “I stopped painting flags when they changed 
the number of stars," he protests. And what is he paint- 
ing right now?—huge road maps of the United States. 


BOB DYLAN folk aris strummingbisd 


UNLIKE THE TRADITIONAL DOVE, which coos sweetly for 
peace, folk singer Bob Dylan employs his highly praised 
al talent to right social wrongs lustily and 
The weapons he uses in his struggle for a 
better world are a firmly strummed guitar, a shrill har- 
ica, a talent for original composition, and a voice 
hat has been characterized by HiFi/Stereo Review as 
hoarse, wounded, affectingly ugly." Dylan's wide-eyed 
militancy and his youthful impatience with an imperfect 
verse are reflected in his songs, most of them dealing 
with subjects no less universal than war, peace, integra- 
ion, life, love, death and the atom bomb. Yet, in spite 
of his own imperfections, Dylan's naked sincerity has 
al hoote- 
nanny set, but of the hipper admirers of Joan Bacz, 
Pete Seeger and Woody Guthrie (Dylan's idol) as well. 
He has been described by informed critics as “bursting 
at the scams with talent” and “our finest contemporary 
folk-song writer.” Born in Duluth 22 years ago, Dylan first 
conceived of himself as a "musical Chaplin tramp” at 
the age of ten and, after running away from home seven 


made him the darling not only of the uncri 


times (“I been caught and brought back all but once"), 
he settled in Greenwich Village in 1961, where he was 
acclaimed almost instantly by rabid Dylantantes. As 

adds polish to his gemin-therough qualities, 


123 


PLAYBOY 


124 


how to talk dirty (continued from page 121) 


But you were wondering how I got to 
trial on this charge. It started like this: 

I was stopped on the street one after- 
noon for no apparent rcason by a peace 
officer whom I considered a friend. He 
yelled, "Hey, Lenny!" And T recognized 
him, because he was in the club almost. 
every night. His duties included check- 
ing the night dubs along Sunset Strip 
in Los Angeles that I worked consist- 
ently for six years. He had another offi- 
cer with him. 

And very shortly I wound up being 
booked on a possesion charge. How 
come? Well, there are two versions of 
what happened. 

Their story: These two peace officers 
were sitting in a car observing the de- 
fendant enter a hobby shop the officers 
had under surveillance. They saw me 
leave, notice them, make a furtive action, 
drop a matchbook containing a packet 
of heroin and run into a bicycle shop. 
One of them followed me in, frisked me 
and said that 1 was under 
violation of the State Narcotics 2 

District Attorney Powers questioned 
the officer who stayed in the car: 

Q. At that time, that the package — 
you saw the package fall — did you no- 
tice where your partner was? 

А. Yes. 

Q. And where was he? 

A. He was coming around rapidly in 
front of the radio car between the MG 
and the radio car right after the packet 
hit the ground, he crossed in front of 
me, picked it up, followed Mr. Bruce 
inside the bicycle shop. 

Later, the partner was cross-examined 
by my attorney: 

Q.... Did you see anything in the 
matchbook cover before you put it in 
your pocket? 

A. I did. There was a folded piece of 
paper, lined notebook paper, protruding, 
from the matches. 

Q. Did you form any opinion as to 
what that might be? 

A. It was in my ор 
of heroin. 

о. Alter Mr. Bruce dropped the packet 
оп the sidewalk, sir, what did you see 
him do, if anything? 

A. He continued cast to the doorway 
of a bicycle shop. He then walked into 
the bicycle shop. 

о. Did you see Mr. Bruce enter the 
bicycle shop? 

A. I did... I was on the sidewalk, .. . 
I walked over, picked up the matchbook, 
walked into the bicycle shop, and caught 
up with the defendant, Mr. Bruce . . . 

Q ... Did you say, “You're arrested 
for dropping these?” 

A. No, I did not. 

Q. Did you say, 

a. No. 

о. Did you ask if he dropped these? 


юп... a packet 


‘ou dropped these"? 


A. I made no reference to the article. 

Q And it wasn't until ten minutes, to 
quote you [earlier], ten minutes later 
that you first made reference to that? 

A. That was the first opportunity I 
felt T had: yes. 

Q. The first opportunity — what do 
you me He offered no resistance, he 
had his hands up in the air. You were 
alone, weren't you? 

A. Momentarily, yes. I walked him out 
of the bicycle shop immediately. 

9. When you were walking out of the 
bicycle shop immediately, at that time, 
t you say, “Did you drop something 
outside here?" 

A. No, I did not. 

Q. Did you show them to him at that 
time? 

A. I did not. 

The District Attorney asked me: “Mr. 
Bruce, do you think that these officers 
have to frame people?" 

л. No, I didn't say they're framing me. 

Q. You can appreciate the manner in 
which these officers testified. They're 
completely right or completely wrong. 
Isn't that a fair statement, sir? 

A. Or so concerned with many, many 
cases — forty or fifty cases — where I am 
concerned only with one, my own safety, 
perhaps there is a loss of memory. 
Q. In other words, their testimony — 
nd I refer to both of them —and they 
both saw you drop this packet there by 
the TV-bicycle store sidewalk arca, you 
think is just because they may have had 
a lapse of memory? 

А... . I assume a lapse of eyesight and 
memory. 

Q. Then you were framed? 

мв. wrarsHart: We object to the form 
of the question. 

THE COURT: I think instead of “fram- 
ing,” you can say “tell an untruth." I'd 
like that better. “Take the stand and 
tell an untruth under oath” rather than 
the word “frame, 

1 never knew the hobbyshop owner. 
He ran a well-known hobby shop in the 
Sherman Oaks section, one of the most 
unique stores in all of California. They 
had а 510,000 remote-control sports- 
car track. At my stepfather's suggestion 
— he drove me there — 1 went, just to 
look at the sports cars. He went in with 
me and out with me, went back to his 
car with me, and went to the station 
with me, but they booked only me. 

He was released. 

While officers were in the shop later, а 
man entered and, upon examining his 
arm, they found several fresh puncture 
marks thereon. He was placed under ar- 
rest and when taken to his car, the officers 
found 15 Percodan pills in the glove 
compartment. He was sentenced to one 
year in the county jail, suspended. and 


еп three years’ probation. 

The shop owner was charged with vio- 
lation of Number 11500 Health and 
Safety Code for possesion of heroin, 
pleaded guilty and was committed to the 
Department of Corrections as an addict. 

Harassment is a leprous label that 
draws bully taunts: “Oh, are they pick- 
ing on you, little boy? They're always 
picking on you. It's funny, it doesn’t 
happen to your brother." 

Harassment. This is getting to be a 
chant, and like the Gregorian, under- 
stood only by a few. 

The news media did me Seven-fif- 
teen one evening, a local newscaster 
with his balding crown resting in shad- 
owed bas-relief Hima announced: 
“Lenny Bruce, the sick comedi: was 
today. The 37-year-old night 
ian, who's had more than 
share of brushes with the law, charted a 
new course with a narcotics arrest. He 
has admitted he’s been using heroin 
since he was 18 years old. Bruce, shown 
here with his attorney, stops and mugs 
for the cameramen and promises to stir 
a little commotion at tomorrow's hear- 
ing. A Reseda housewife . . ." 

And newspapers were next. Who gave 
them the item that was on the strect 
before I was out on bail? Look at the 
bottom of my arrest report and you'll 
find “LAPD [Los Angeles Police Depart- 
ment] Press Room was notified and City 
Newsroom was called.” 

A press notice on an arrest report. But 
don’t get me wrong, brother, I love 
Hollywood. I love the way the reporters 
and photographers maul you so you'll 
look desperate enough in their pictures. 

The newspaper is the most dramatic 
medium of the written word, whether 
ifs Dr. Alvarez with his arthritic pen 
pals or Prudence Penny's attract у 
to make leftovers attractive, and it is 
because of the newspapers — their disre- 
gard for the truth when it comes to 
Teporting — that my reputation has been 
hurt. None of the “facts” they have 
printed about me concerning addiction 
are true. And in the interim, bizarre 
stories in the syndicated columns about 
me striking a judge; and enough damn- 
ing hearsty was printed to keep me 
from replaying England where Í was 
previously accepted with great aplomb. 


The jury found me guilty of posses 
sion of heroin. 

Possession of heroin is a felony for 
which I could be given two years in 
prison. The Court, however, has ad- 
journed criminal proceedings until my 
fate is decided by Department 95, pur- 
suant to the terms of Senate Bill 81; the 
State of California’s legislative branch 
was responsible for this bill, the purpose 
of which is theoretically to halt the cruel 
punishment that was being forced upon 
sick persons, namely narcotics addicts. 


ng “to determine whether the de- 
nt is addicted to the use of narcotic 
drugs or" — now dig this — "by reason of 
repeated use of narcotics is in imminent 
danger of becoming so addicted 

Thus the judge is making it p 
for me to have, instead of two y 
cruel punishment in prison, ten years of 
rehabilitation behind walls — if I'm eli- 
gible — based on the recommendation of 
two physicians appointed by the court. 


Here are excerpts from the transcript. 
of my Department 95 hc; һе 
People of the State of Galifornia, For 


the best interest and protection of so- 
ciety and Lenny Bruce, an Alleged Nar- 


cotic Drug Addict.” 

тне court: Dr. Tweed, 
us the results of your ез 

гн WITNESS: When Mr. Bruce was ex- 
amined on the seventh of June, he denied 
the use of marijuana, He denied the 
illegal use of pills. He denied the use 
of heroin. The probation officer's report 
was read. He [Bruce] stated: “Very suc- 
І have never used any illegal 
admit using Methe- 
ravenously [to treat his chronic 
lethargy]. When asked questions con- 
cerning when he first began to use 
[Methedrine] he stated that he had no 
total recall. . . . He had been using it 
by hypo. He states that he is still using 


you give 


tion, tha instructed. 
doctor and that his doctor 
has been prescribing it to him and giving 
prescriptions to use it as well as the 
things to use it with. 

E n of both arms showed 
numerous fresh marks which he stated 
were from the in ion of Methedrine. 

. he did admit that he was, had 
been convicted on the charge of р 
ing heroin recently. However, he denies 
that he had any heroin as was reported 
or that he was actually honestly con- 
ed on it. He stated, and had a Dr. 
Niemetz with him at the time, that he 
had the Nalline test the day before, and 
the doctor was prepared to testify at 


125 


PLAYBOY 


126 


that particular time and did so state 
that the test was negative. He stated that 
he and a Dr. Gahagan had given him 
two cc. of Nalline the day before and 
the results were entirely negative. 
(The Nalline test is the injection of 
a standard drug to which a narcotics ad- 
dict reacts quite differently from a non- 
user. Dr. Peters, who had "examined" 
me with Dr. Tweed, concurred with lı 


testimony. Then followed cross-exami 
tion of Dr. Tweed by my attorney.) 
о... How long was Mr. Bruce in 


your presence at that time [of the ex- 
amination], sir? 

A. Well, I don't recall, 
longer than average . . . Не 
least 20, 25 minutes. 

о. Did you conduct any № 


but it was 
there at 


alline ex- 


amination or test of any kind at that 
time, sir? 

a. No. 

о. Subsequent, have you performed 


ation of Mr. Bruce? 


у Nalline e 

A. No. 

. Did you perform any ur 
at that time, sir? 

A. No. 

о. Did you make any physical exami- 
n of any kind whatsoever that i 
dicated the presence of any narcotic in 
Mr. Bruce's system at the time you cx: 
amined him? 

А. No. 

(My attorneys crossexamination of 
Dr. Tweed went on to est h that it is 
very difficult, in Dr. Tweed's opinion, 
to differentiate between. the marks 
caused by the injection of one substance, 
such as Methedrine, and another such 
as heroin. Dr. Tweed he had no 
axes to grind with anybody: that her 
users tended not to sterilize their equip- 
ment properly and as a result might 
show scars where a man injecting Methe- 
drine with presterilized disposable syr- 
inges might not. My attorney poi 
that a man might simply not be a skillful 
sel-injector, and that this might account 
for my scars. Dr. Tweed said it might. 
My attorney asked him then whethiei 
had found any evidence of a narcot 
my system, other than the scars.) 

A. That is as far as T could go, actually. 

о. Doctor, the Nalline test, the uri 
nal mination, those are accepted. 
methods of determining whether or not 
there is a narcotic in the system at that 
time and in a short period of time 
immediately prior, is it пос so? 

A. Ves. 

Q. And there are cer 
tributes of an indi 
hdrawal or an 


alysis 


ted out 


in physical at- 
dual undergoing 
dividual who is 
demonstrating his dependency upon a 
narcotic, is that not true, sir? 

A. Yes... He didn't have 
at that time. 

Q.... Doctor, t that it 
is impossible for you or for the most 
qualihed doctors in America or any 


ny of those 


other country to make a conclusion, a 
conclusion valid by your own standards 
in medicine, as to whether or not a per- 
son is a narcotic addict unless a person 
is observed under dinical conditions 
over a continuous period of time, to 
observe withdrawal dependence on the 
narcotic and. physical reaction? 

л. No, tliis is not a fact, because med 
cine is not only a science; it is an art. 

о. As ап artist or doctor, did you 


conclude from your 25-minute e: 
Bruce i 


tion that Mr 

a. Tt was left up in the air, actually, 
because 1 want further information. 

(Deputy District Attorney Melvin В. 
le then carried on a redirect с 
nation of the witness.) 

о. Suppose you had no further infor- 
jon, you had to make up your mind 
based on what you observe today. 

a... On а basis of —you see, T 
come to certain conclusions on the b: 
— I have а history that he is convicted 
of possession. He is convicted on the 
basis of having in his possession heroin. 
The individuals who were arrested at 
the same time that he was arrested were 
зо convicted of it and have come 
through here and have admitted their 
use. This is part of the art 

1 find marks on him. However, I am 
giving him the benefit of the doubt. 1 
cannot say that he has. If he has been 
taking this thing [Methedrine] legally, E 
would like to have the doctor here to 
testify that this is what he is doing or at 
least have а report from the doctor . . . 

Doctor, couldn't you, on the basis 
of the history that you just gave us 
plus your examination, form some 
opinion? 

A. Well, the opinion would be that if 
he isn’t, he is in imminent danger of 
becoming addicted if he has had it in 
his possession. He was convicted of that, 
however. I mean, the marks could either 
be or could not be. 

о. Taking your history that you gave 
us into consideration, then, wouldn't 
that help vou to form an opi 
to the marks, the 

a... Well, the manner, E will say 
this, the manner in which Mr. Bruce 
reacted during the examination was 
dicative at the time that I examined him 
that he was under the influence of 
Methedrine, because he was very talka- 
tive. He tended to be very rambling. He 
was sarcastic. Не was hostile. 

(There followed recrossexami 
by my attorney 

а 1 will you one hypothetical 
question. Doctor, if this man before you 
was not someone subject to many news- 
paper columns, if you didn't know he 
had been convicted, and the company 


a narcoti 


ation 


he was with were some businessmen from 
ше 


downtown ај 
amination 
evidence 


id you made that 25-m 
nd you found no physi 
of narcotics in his system at 


me or any other time and you 
ny reports of any medical 
would you stare an opin 
court that the man we are 
king about is a narcotic addict? 

A. If he didn't give me а history that 
he used Methedrine, I would, yes. 

ө. But in this case not only did he 
give you a history of having used Methe- 
drine, you as а doctor concluded at the 
time you saw him that he had a non- 
narcotic, Methedrine, in his system; isn’t 


drine in one’s system are the exact ор. 
posite of the reactions to having heroi 
in one's system . . . Now came redirect 
examination of Dr. Peters.) 
тик court: Dr. Peters, do you concur? 
али: witness: Your Honor, I concur in 
part, but I am of the opinion that he is 
narcotic drug addict. 
‘rug COURT: Based upon your examina- 
tion, you reached the conclusion that the 
patient is a narcotic drug addict? 
rue witness: That is correct, sir. 
(Following brief crossexamination, the 


court appointed two more doctors to 


е me, because “There is a split in 
the medical testimony.” The hearing 
continued the next week, On June 17th 
J was examined by two doctors in a room 
опе flight up from the courtroom, and on 
June 1th they testified on their findings. 
The first one, Doctor Thomas L. Gore, 
gave it as his opinion that I was an 
addict. He based this on the condition 
of the veins in my arms, which he said 
could not have been caused by injecting 
Methedrine, ап isotonic solution, but 
were characteristic of the use of heroin in 
a hypertonic solution. “My opinion is 
that he has been using a drug of the 
opium series . .." He went on to say, in 
cross-examination, that he had detecied 
nothing indicating thar I had withdrawal 
symptoms at the time of my exam 
nation.) 

My attorney went oi 
mination: 

Q. ... Doctor, i 
that in order 
not a pei a narcotic addict he 
should be placed under clinical cond 
tions for a period of several days and 
he should be observed аз to whether or 
not there are any withdrawal symptoms; 
is that a correct statemen 

The presence of withdr 
toms, of course, is conclusive. 
dition of the у 
also conclusive . . . 

(Dr. Berlin mined” 
with Dr. Gore, took the stand.) 

Q.. . Now, as a result of your ез 
amination of the parts of the body and 
whatever history you did obtain from 
Mr. Bruce, were you able to form an 
opinion as to whether or not he is a 
(continued on page 130) 


c 


with the cross- 


it a correct statement 


to determine whether or 


on is 


symp- 
е соц 
dual is 


Th 


з of an 


who 


me 


Playmates Revisited -1955 


playboy encores its second year of gatefold girls 


HEREWITH, another installment in our Tenth Anniversary Year reprise of Playmates past. 
Come December, we will publish — їп a Readers’ Choice pictorial — the ten most popular 
PLAYBOY dolls of the decade based upon reader reaction. Our second year of publication 
included a pair of important Playmate milestones: February 1955 marked the first PLAYBOY 
appearance of the then-unknown Texas beauty, Jayne Mansfield; 1955 also witnessed the 
beginning of the “girl-next-door” concept in pin-up photography with a double helping of 
PLAYBOY's circulation-stimulating Subscription Manager, Janet Pilgrim, in July and 
December. There was, however, no Miss March: in 1955 the fledgling magazine had less 
than a dozen staffers and when we fell behind schedule, we simply skipped the March issue. 
Readers are invited to send in their personal preference in hit misses without waiting till 
the end of this retrospective Playmate parade; any Playmate from the first ten years (De- 
cember 1953 through December 1963) is eligible. Choose your ten favorites and then compare 
them with the top ten to be featured in a special ten-page portfolio at the end of the year. 


MARILYN WALTZ, April 1955 E BETTIE PAGE, January 1955 


ANNE FLEMING, September 1955 


MARGUERITE EMPEY, May 1955 EVE MEYER, June 1955 


р; J 


JEAN MOOREHEAD, October 1955 BARBARA CAMERON, November 1955 


PLAYBOY 


130 


ow to ti 


cotic drug addict. or by reason of 
repeated use of narcotics, in imminent 
danger of becoming onc? 

^. 1 did. 
it is your opinion? 
^. 1 believe that Mr. Bruce is а nar- 
cotic drug addict. 

(Crossexamination followed.) 

Q.... Could any type of Methedrine 
administered in any way produce some 
of the symptoms which vou have de- 


scribed vou noticed on Mr. Bruce's 
arms? 

A. Certainly 

оф. Doctor, is this a correct statement: 
You found no physical evidence at the 


time of your examin; 


ion that any nar 
colic was in Mr. Bruce's system? 
A. This is а correct statement. 


Q. ... Doctor, is this a correct state- 
ment: That some of the marks on Mr. 
Bruce's arms may have been caused. by 


sclr-injection of à nonnarcoticz 

A. T would say that was very likely. 

(My attorney called Dr. Keith Diu- 
man, the first of three witnesses for the 
defense, 10 the stand) 

о. Doctor . .- will you state your occu- 
pation [and] where vou practice . . . for 
the Court. please 

A. Гат a physician specializing in psv- 
chiatry. and I practice at the UCLA 
Health Genter. 


a phys 


lizi 


o. Doctor, have you in the course of 
your career had occasion to examine 
vour people those who have had 
any narcotic difficulty or possibly had 
any narcotic difficulty? 

A. Yes. 

And have you in the course of your 
died the subject with regard to 
the diagnosis and weatment of narcotic 
addicts? 

a. Yes. 

о. Do you have an opinion, sir, as to 
how a condusive determination. may be 
made by a medical doctor as to whether 
or not a m: a narcotic addict? 

a. Well. the best way would be to hos- 
pitalize them and see them develop 
withdrawals and then counteract those 
symptoms of withdrawal with the drug 
that you believe they're addicted to. 

о. Over what period of time would 
this be done? 


a. Within a week or posibly two 
weeks. 
o. ... Have vou in the course of your 


profession had occasion to inter 
examine Mr. Lenny Bruce? 

^. Yes. 

ө. Approximately when wa 
amination? 

a. About ten days ago. 
о. Where did it take place? 
А. ALUCLA. 


that ex- 


(continued from page 126) 


о. Had you had occasion to examine 
y Bruce before that? 

a, No. 

о. Now, Doctor . . . based on your ex- 
tion of Mr. Bruce, are you of the 
. that he is а narcotic addict? 
Ve state conclusively that 


Le 


о. Can you state, based on your exami- 
nation, Doctor, that he is in imminent 
danger, and I use the words “imminent 
danger” advisedly, of becoming a nar- 
cotic addict? 
л. No. 
Q Doctor, 


now can 


you fe 


you tell 
1 any qu 


me 


whether or not fied 


physician could conclusively conclude in 
the absence of admissions that any per- 
son was a narcotic 15-, 20-, 


or 
n 


) minute interview and visual exami- 
ion of the veins ... ? 

V i dort know of any way t 
he done. 


at it can 


. Ts it an accepted method to 
merely visually observe the veins of a 
person 

unde 


id in the absence of observation 
nical conditions to make a con- 


d 


dusion that that person is a narcotic 
addict? 


an to only confine it to that? 


Q. ... Now. Doctor, could you, if you 
ed the arm of someone who 
1 marks on it from the discoloration 
or the location of the marks on the arm, 
could you without any other information 
distinguish between a mark that was oc- 
casioned by a nonnarcotic that had been 
ministered in any manner and а nar- 
cotic that had been administered in an 
manne? 
a. No. 
(Dr. Norm: 
en me the letter y, about 
my use of Methedrine, was then called 
10 the stand. for direct examination by 
my attorney. He established his creden- 
tials to practice in the Stare of Califor- 
nia, and as a Certified Specialist in 
Orthopedic Surgery. He stated that I had 
been his patient approximately four 
years, that he had seen me perhaps a 
dozen times in his office, that he was 
aware of my lethargy. and that he knew 
other doctors had prescribed Methedrine 
for me at various times in various parts 
of the country, He testified that Meth- 
E that it could 
symptoms from 
narcotics: that he had never observed 
any withdrawal symptoms in me. In the 
course of his examination by my attor- 
ney and his subsequent cross-examina- 


T always car 


d- 
The State's attorney then asked 
him: ". .. Could you 
with your experience that he is not an 
addict?” “1 say definitely that Mr. Bruce 


t this time 


is not a narcotic [addict] at this time.” 


In redirect examination, my anor 
then asked him again.) 
о. Doctor...in your opinion, is Mr. 


Bruce a narcotic addict? 

л. No. my opinion is that Mr. Bruce 
is not a narcotic addict. 

Q In. your opi 
imminent d. 
dict? 

a. No. my opi 

imminent danger of becoming a 
narcotic addict. 

(The third witness for the defen 
David Niemetz, M.D., was called to the 
stand by my attorney. He established 


(ion is that this man is 


he was a specialist in gastroneurol- 
9; Beverly Hills, and that on June 
6, 1063, he and а neuropsycl in 
his building. Dr. Gahagan, had admin- 


istered а Nalline test to me, indic 
that there had been по narcotic 
system within the past 24 to 72 hours. 
In response to my attorney's question, 
he stated that neither he nor Dr. Ga- 
hagan had observed any withdi 
symptoms in me at that time. He fun 
stated that while present at my 
examination by Drs. Tweed and Peters 
[for the 5 4 observed no with 
drawal symptoms in me. Then again, he 
testified that in connection with an- 
other Nalline test, also negative, which 
he had conducted on me with a Dr. Dean 
on the 13th of June, he had observed 
no withdrawal symptoms. He had also 
observed me in court on three occasions 
in connection with this case, and ob- 
served no withdrawal symptoms. Finally, 
my attorney asked him to conduct 
Nalline test on the spot. The test was 
given to me duris of the court, 
and the court then reconvened. My attor- 
ney resumed questioning Dr. Niemet.) 

Q. Doctor, during the recess of tl 
court, did you administer а Nalline test 
to the respondent, Lenny Bruce? 

a. Yes. 

о. Would you tell the Court the re- 
sults of that Nalline test? 

A. It was а negative Nalline 

о. Doctor, in your opinion 
Bruce a narcotic addict? 


rec 


test. 
is Le 


ny 


tion by Deputy District 
Attorney Thale, who was present at the 
Nalline test.) 

ө. ... Now, Doctor, all your testimony 
proves is that at the time you gave the 
Nalline test that there was no narcotic 
in the system; is that right? 

A. Yes. 

о. If he had not taken an injection of 

narcotics three to four days prior to 
iving the test, you wouldn't expect to 
d any symptoms? 
e were other Nalline 
tests given in intervals that would. pre 
clude any narcotic in between, during 
known him. 


0... . Doctor, where a person has 
used, say, narcotics, assume for the ques- 
tion, over, say, а year, twos three-, four- 
year period, would you say in a period 
from June 6th through June 19th, a per- 
son could stop taking it and not be ad- 
dicted? Assume for that question that 
the person had used for a twos three», 
four-year period. 

a. It would be very, very unlikely .. . 
you would expect an abrupt withdrawal 
period that would be casily diagnosed 

Q If h 
prior to coming to you, then, Doctor, 
you wouldn't see any evidence of it, 
would you 

A. Tf it had been that far ahead, I 
would not have any evidence. 

о. Or if a person took some substitute, 
we will s Т prevent the person 
Пот going through the withdrawal; 
then, of course, you wouldn't sce them 
cither? 

A. That is correct. 

(Redirect. examination.) 

о. Doctor, if a man had been taking 
narcotics, whatever the degree of addic- 
tion, aud he went through а withdra 
period, completely withdrew, there was 

gnosis and no indication of any 
there was no narcotics 
system, then over a period of time he 
was observed, would he then be a nar- 
dict? 

л. Not at that time. 

Q. ... It is my understanding, Doctor, 
that your testimony is that Lenny Bruce 
is not à narcotic addict? 

A. That is correct. 

(Reciossexaminatie 

q. That is from the р 
Gth? 

A. Yes. 
ce you did not know hi 


had a withdrawal period 


riod from June 


Q. If T asked you, Doctor, if Lenny 
Bruce was a previous narcotic addict, 
you wouldn't have any more idea how to 
answer that question than you would if 


I asked you whether or not this officer 
жаз а previous narcotic addict? 
А. That is correct. 
гик COURT: ... In other words, after 
the physical need for the drug has ceased. 
пег three weeks there is no with- 


evidence — would you conside: 
that individual to be а narcotic addict? 

THE witness: Medically, you couldn't 
consider him to be an addict. You'd have 
no basis, nothing to base it on 

‘THE COURT: Supposing the psychologi 
cal need continued, Doctor, for the drug? 

лик wrrness: Well, this is getting into 
the realm of what is an addict, the basis 
and theories. 

(Aha, Le 
addict!) 

‘There was lditional witne: 
the defense: Dr. Joel Fort. My attoi 


a psychological 


for 
су 


tion of him, 
ls. 


conducted a direct e 
beginning by establishing his credentia 
Fort testified that he was a ph 
scd to practice im Califor 
specializing primarily in. public health 
nd criminology, with special interest. 
narcotics addiction, dangerous drugs and 
alcoholism. He stated that he was the 
Director of the School of Criminology at 
the University of California in Berkeley, 
teaching a course on narcotic addictioi 
that he was a Court Examiner in Ala- 
meda County, Chairman of а bicounty 
Medical Association Committee on Alc 
holism and gs, and for- 
merly a ıt to the Alameda 
County Probation Department. He had 
been on the stall of the U. S. narcotics 
hospital at Lexington, Kentucky; he had 
been an invited delegate to the White 
House Conference on Narcotic Drug 
Use; he had appeared before Congress 
to speak on drag addiction and been 
ised in the Congressional Record; he 
the author of numerous publications 
drug addiction, had worked with sev- 
dicts over the course of 


ry Committee to the Cali- 
reotics Rehabilitation Center. 
. .. Doctor, let's get down to the 
of it... Are you familiar with 
clinical treatment of narcotic addicts? 


A. Yes, T am. 
©. Have you studied and are you fa- 
miliar with the diagnosis of narcotic 


drug addiction? 
A. Yes, I 


am. 
an a person who is a 


addict? 


o. Have you had occasion to 
examine Mr. Lenny Bruce? 

A. Yes, I have. 

Q When and where did that exami 
tion take place, sir? 

^. It took place this morning on the 
floor above Пете in this building. 

Q . . . Now, on the basis of your per- 


sonal examination of Mr. Bruce this 
afternoon, or rather, this morning, 
coupled with the examir of the 


court file with line 
minist 
doctors have on no occasion seen [i 
within the small period of time th 
covered by their visits any withd 
symptoms, can you state for me whether 
ог not À Lenny Bruce 
drug addict: 

A. I would say tl 
drug addict. 

Q Would you say he 
danger of becoming a 

A. He would not be. 


egard to 


d 


id the fact that these 
] him 


the is not a narcoti 


is in imminent 
arcotic addict? 


131 


PLAYBOY 


132 and pleadi 


Q. ... For the purpose of this ques- 
tion, let us assume . . . that at one time 
Lenny Bruce was a narcotic drug addict. 
w, based on your examination of him 
nd the Nalline tests which were given 
over the past several days, which arc in 
the record, and the observation made by 
the doctors on the few occasions, which 
[are] in the record we have reviewed. 
could he still be a narcotic drug addict? 
A. No, he could not. 

о. Is it possible he is a narcotic drug 
dict? 

A. It is absolutely impossible, abso- 
lutcly impossible, 

@. . . . Is there such a thing as а psy- 
chological or psychic drug add 

A. T have never heard that term used 
by an experienced person. 

Q.. .. Would Lenny Bruce, would 
this man here who you have examined, 
benefit by being sent to the State Nar- 
cotic Rehabilitation Center if he were 
sent there today by the Cou 

A. I do not think that he would. I 
think that he would be harmed. 

ө. Would the commu 
Doctor, in your opinion? 

A. I feel that the community would 
be harmed also. 

After hearing dosing arguments by 
both attorneys, the judge announced: 

“Mr. Bruce, the Court will find that 
you are a narcotic drug addict within 
the meaning of Section 6451 of the 
Penal Code. You are committed to the 
Director of Corrections for placement, 
as provided for by law. for the period 
prescribed by law. It is further ordered 
and directed that the Sheriff of the 
County deliver you to the Rehabilitation 
Center for Men at Chino, California. 
Bail is ordered exonerated and you are 
remanded to the custody of the Sheriff 
for transportation to the Center.” 

My attorney requested “a stay for a 
period of one weck for Mr. Bruce to 
get his financial and personal affairs in 
order.” The request was granted, and 
my attorney responded: “By June 28th, 
your Honor, we shall cither present Mr. 
Bruce to the Court or have an order stay 
ing this Court's order.” 

And the judge reinstated the bail 
which he had just ordered exonerated. 

On June 26, 1963. my attorney moved 
for a stay of the commitment and of all 
the proceedings in Department 95. pend- 
ing a final disposition of the appeal. The 
notice of the appeal autom 
the proceedings. 

It is now six months later, the matter 
still pend ng, and my hands tremble 
as Î wı and 
my veins will start to palpitate and I 
must have the stuff. Judge Munnell's 
me bail has let a drug addict 
loose upon the citizenry of Los Angeles. 
The blood will be on his hands. Seven 
days of disarrayment, bloodied heads 
ig storckeepers reduced to 


nefit, 


their knees— and what prompts me to 
come back? My personal affairs . . . 

1 have really become possessed with 
winning — with vindicating myself rather 
than being vindictive — and my room is 
duttered with reels of tape and photo- 
stats of transcripts. 

Recently, when Т pretended to doubt 
the word of my eight-year-old daughter, 
19у, you'd believe 


me if it was on tape.” 


Im glad I had a girl. They are т 


пу 
sweet and ite and theyre а pow 
session. People are usually embarrassed 
when they get complimented, whereas 
with a daughter you can get compliments 


that people don't know they're giving. 
fo 


"ve got a lovely daughter, Mr. 


Bruce, 
Speak the first part — “Well, thank you 
very much" —and continue silently en 
joying the unspoken second half: “Yes, 
I guess Fm all right, everybody says how 
pretty she is and how nice she is. If 1 
wasn't nice, she wouldn't be nice, she 
would be bad. The little bad that she h: 
is from the other kids she plays with 


The police coming to see те 
twice during one week, and both times 
there were witnesses, and both times 
they talked with me in excess of half an 
hour — has been in effect the greatest b: 
Тооп test in the world; these were ui 
expected visits, and certainly they would 
have been remiss in their duties for not 
arresting me, had I been under the influ- 
ence of her 

On the night of October 15, 1963, at 
1! PM., four officers showed ир on my 
property. When I challenged them 
is intruders and ed them to leave if 
they didn't have a search 
of them simply took out his 
said, "Here's my search м : 

People ask, "Why don't they leave 
you alone?” 

“Who is it? It’s not me,” 
just doing his dui 
Tes them, it's Viam it's them, it's them, 
's them. 

"That's really all there is to about 
it. No matter what happens from now 
on, it'll be "them" who пу to do me in. 
Never you, Them. Never you 


each of them 


People wonder what Lenny Bruce is 
really like. "What're you really like, 
Lemny Bruce?” they ask. I'm like them. 
And like this 

1 like the capitalistic system because I 
grew up in it. I dig it because to me free 
enterprise is this: If I go to Macy's and 
that chick behind the counter really bugs 
me and gives me a lot of grief, I can 
resolve the whole conflit by saying, 
You're a tub of crap, Madam, and good 
night." And thats it. I walk out. This 
chick, if she becomes the president of 
Macy's, all she can do is eject me from 


that store. But I can always go to Gim- 
bels. Communism is one big telephone 
company, though. I know if I get rank 
with the phone company, some schmuck 
will take my phone, and Fl end up 
talking through a. Dixie cup- 

I don't get involved with politics 
much as Mort Sahl does, because I know 
that to be a correct politician and a suc- 
cessful one, you must be what all pol 
ticians have always been: a chamelcon. 

If the bomb is going to go off, 1 can't. 
stop it because I'm not in d 
TIL probably be worki 
New Year's Eve show: 
11:30 and everybody's waiting w 
hats and their horns. I've got my scene 
and they've got theirs. Now it’s about 
three minutes to go, and I'm the only 
one who knows about the bomb. 

Ha, ha, a lot of you people didn't 
get noisemakers, but I've got а beaut 
coming up. and it’s really going to gas 
everybody. The people who haven't had 
the two-drink minimum, you don't have 
I righ? And listen, you guys 
don't you go back to 
and lay on the floor 
for a while? Don't ask questions, just do 
it. Folks, vou know, a lot of you have 
seen me work before, but I've got а new 
bit, we're really going to bring in the 
new year right" — and then, Bocoooom! 

One guy will probably be heckling me 
on his way out through the roof, And 
T can just see the owner — "Look, don't 
do that bit anymore, we're getting a lot 
of complaints. Put back Religions, Inc., 
if you have to. i 
—the whole bit. , 
If the Messiah were indeed to return 
id wipe out all diseases, physical and 
mental, and do away with all m 
humanity to man. then 1, Lenny Bruce 
— а comedian who thrives both econon 
cally and egotistically upon the corrup- 
tion and Guelty he condemns with 
humor, who spouted impassioned pleas 
to sy the life of Caryl Chessman and 
Adolf Eichmann alike, who professed 
the desire to propagate assimilation and 
thereby evolve integration — would. in 
truth know that I had been a parasite 
whose whole structure of success de- 
pended on despair: like J. Edgar Hoover 
and Jonas Salk: like the trustees, wardens, 
death-house maintenance men, millions 


as 


ще yet. 


h their 


of policemen, uniform makers, court 
recorders, criminal-court judges, pro- 
bation officers and district attorneys 


whose children joyously unwrap Christ- 
mas presents under the tree bought 
money by keeping me from 
my childs face beam at a 
cotton angel, who would have been with- 
out jobs if no one in the world had ever 
violated the law; like the Owl Rexall- 
Thrifty Drugstores, crutch makers, n 
rological Parke.Lill 
employees on the roof of the Squibb 
pharmaceutical house, ready to jump 


fe 
and 


surgeons 


because the blind ca the deaf can 
hear, the lame can walk; like the Ban- 
the-bomb people who find out there 
really is no bomb to ban and don't know 
to do with their pamphlets. 

The dust would gather on the ambu- 
lances, their drivers, and all the people 
that hold the moral position of serving 
humanity, who will have become aware 
that their very existence, creative ability, 
and symbolic status had depended wholly 
upon intellectual dishonesty. For there 
is no anonymous giver, except perhaps 
the guy who knocks up your daughter. 

In the movies, Evereu Sloane was al- 
the successful businessman. No, 1 
tke that back. Porter Hall was always 
the successful businessman, along with 
ne Lockhart. But Everett Sloane 
was a tycoon. When they were rich, boy, 
they were really rich. 

Everett Sloane would get his gun off, 
disillusioning Joel McCrea, who wanted 
to put out a newspaper that would make 
a statement. And when Sloane would 
D'boy, you'll sce when you get old, 
all a I used to think: 
cynical old bis- 
re the Good Guys 
rs and the truth- 
ght. 


w 


and the Bad Guys, the li 
tellers.” But Everett was г 
There is only what is. 

My friend Paul Krasner. editor of The 
Realist, once asked me what I've been 
influenced by in my work. 

It was an absurd question. 

T have been influenced by my father 
telling me that my back would become 
crooked because of my maniacal desire 
to masturbate . . . by reading "Glori- 
у in Little Annie Коопсу... 
by listening to Uncle Don and Clifford 
Brown ,.. by smelling the burnt shell 
powder at Anzio and Salerno . . . torch- 
ing for my ex-wife . . . giving money to 
Moondog as he played the upturned 
pails id the corner from Hanson's 

5Ist and Broad getting hot 
looking at Popeye and Toots and Casper 
g stories about a 
as tank with 
s won't let it 
out, the same big companies that have 
the tire that lasts forever . . . and the 
vipers favorite fantasy: "Marijuana 
could be legal, but the big liquor com- 
panies won't let it happer 

live in a sanatoriu 
ng to book me for eight weeks 
Argentina . . . colored people have a 
special odor. 

I am influenced by every second of my 
ing hours. 


Dean 


This is the last installment of a six- 
part serialization of Lenny Bruce's auto- 
biography, "How to Talk Dirty and 
Influence People,” to be published 
soon in a hardbound edition by Playboy 


Press. 
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134 


DELICATE OPERATION (continued from page 102) 


rowed and his cyes lighted with a strange 
gleam, his thought disturbed only by the 
loud whooshing suck of a nearby urinal. 

Clifton strolled out of the bathroom, 
up the stairs and into the street. As he 
walked, he practiced different faces to 
suit his mustache. He scowled like 
Brando, bugged his eyes and sneered 
like Yul Brynner. A 
face was interrupted by a policema: 
‚ He smiled disarmingly at the po- 
liceman with his best Captain Kangaroo 
face, then zipped through the double 
doors of a large bank. 


He went up to a cashier who 


cleaning his nails with a paper clip, 


nodded importantly, unzipped his bag 
and handed two bundles of bills 

ad all charge plate through the 
window. 


The clerk smiled at Clifton. He en- 
joyed this weekly mecting with account 
7-134. The man always had a pleasant 
word, always made a substantial deposit. 


Forty thousand dollars in а Swiss bank 


didn't ke him one of the bi 
but did make п someone to cultivate. 
You could never tell when you would 
need some help. It paid to be nice to 
the depositors. 

Clifton watched the insipid clerk, hat- 
ing his unctuous, conspiratorial manner, 
nd waited patiendy while the clerk 
dawdled over his deposit. He responded 
to another of the clerk’s Dickensian 
And God bless you, Tiny Tim,” 
he thought, and said, “Goodbye, have a 
nice weekend.” He always told the clerk 
to have a nice weekend on any day he 
came into the bank, A little eccentricity, 
he had discovered, was a good cover 
for wealth. Clerks and bank presidents 
understood а marriage between madness 
and mon 

Clifton walked back to Grand Centr 
Station, to the bathroom, removed his 
che and returned to Union Squar 

He arrived at his office to d ve 
full waiting room of minor aches and 
pains, and worked through the morn- 
ing, deliberately, efficiently and bored. 


boys, 


smiles. 


mus 


At 12, he buzzed the receptionist on 
the intercom and told her to clear the 
waiting room. Doctor Clifton Wefel, 
f d of the friendless, tracer of lost 
persons, was taking the remainder of the 
day off. To thin 
lifton wandered through a public 
park. He passed nurses wheeling peram- 
bulators, old men playing chess, statues, 
and a pond with geese. He lifted а 
thirsty little 
the tinsel in her eyes, the honey in her 
hair. He strolled through the botanical 
gardens, breathing in Eve's perfume. 
Then he rested on a bench, sun-bathed 
and waited. 

Phat night, Clifton climbed a tele- 
phone pole in an alley behind a row 
of substantial shops He [o 
clectrical circuitry for a beauty shop and 
for the camera store next door. With 
а coil inductor he drew the power for 
the beauty shop’s burglar alarm into 
the lead for the camera store's neon 
E 


irl up to а fountain, saw 


ad the. 


‘There, thats done as easily as a 
laparectomy," Clifton thought, climbing 
down the pole, "that is, il nobody de 

lcs to burgle the camer store tonight. 
He twisted a piece of isinglass in the 
police lock on the rear door of the beauty 
shop, stepped in and shut the door be- 
hind him. And locked it. 

He prowled and stumbled in the 
menagerie of mascara, lipsticks and per- 
oxides until he found what he had come 
for. 

On a row of sterile, smiling pap 

hé heads, sexless and with wire for 
ins, were displayed wigs, in every 
hue and possible design, Clifton stood 
and gazed at them in wonder, Then he 
selected six—three bouffante, three 
Fieuch twist — by price. He picked the 
colors he thought а woman would like, 
smoke blue, champa d titian 
red. He removed the wigs from the own- 
crs, loosened his belt and stuffed them, 
as snugly as possible, into his pants. He 
apologized to the six denuded heads, 
for the theft and for loosening his trou- 
sers; buttoned his йу, his jacket; aud left 
the way that he'd come: by the bi 
door, silently in the night, but а 
iably paunchier. 
Two days later, while the police we 


still giggling over modus operandi, the 
phantom wigpicker struck agai 
Aud а week later, а jewelry store i 


Newark had its іссрох swiped clean of 


diamonds, with no clues but a long 
pink hair inside the safe. 

One month from the time of t 
jewel robbery an invitation came for 
Margaret and Clifton to attend a charity 
ball. The benefit was sponsored by the 
American Medical Association to con- 


scribe funds for mci health. 
One month and two weeks from t 
date Clifton gave Margaret a diam 


One month and three weeks later. 
Doctors Margaret and Clifton Wefel at- 
tended the benefit. Clifton made su 
that they circulated. During the evening 
a smooth-faced young man whose toes 
turned out approached Clifton and 
asked for a light. They chatted, parted 
friends and Clifton enjoyed the remain 
der of the ball immensely. 

Two months, exactly, from that por 
tentous robbery, on a Saturday morning, 
Clifton answered a knock on the door 

He smiled a hello to the smooth-faced 
young man and his burly companion 
and invited them in. They were detec 
- questions to ask, if 


tives and. һай son 
Doctor Welel would be so kind. 
chatted and asked if they might 
around the house, if Doctor Wefel had 
no objections, Clifton had попе, but 
asked that they did not disturb his wife 
or her room, as she had a notoriously 
bad temper, if they knew what he meant 
The detectives, both bei married mer. 
knew what he meant. 

The detectives listlessly pulled. out 
drawers, inspected the silver, kicked the 
н and searched Clifton's desk. Clifton 
ished ahead of them, opening doors 
nd being generally helpful. The de 
tectives searched, but their hearts weren't 
in 


та 


They were standing on the first land- 
ing, Clifton in front, the younger detec 
tive close behind, his companion laggin; 
ready to inspect the second floor, when 
Margaret appeared looking her worst 

Her lumpy skin, frumpy  dressit 
gown and stringy hair up in curlers — 
Clifton secretly called the curlers her 
FM receiver — had more еПес than 
Clifton could have wished for. 

Clilton, his face immobile and expres 


sionless, watched the reaction of the 
younger detective. The older detective 
had scen it all, but the younger w 
newly married and had been on the 
force four months. which explained his 
eagerness, his ambition and his response 
10 а wife on an ugly morning. His hand 
ап. 


involuntarily went to his 
The rest was drill. 

ig of Margaret's room, 

the discovery of the diamonds, the in 

criminating wigs in her closet stuffed 

in a hatbox under a pile of old shoes, 

the hysteria, the accusations, the arrest, 


The inspect 


the screaming and the threats, proceeded 
as surely as the denouement ol a British 
comedy. 


асте would be a trial, of course, and 


ret would be convicted for at least 
two of Clifton's crimes: the jewel theft 
and the wig robbery 

Clifton could hardly wait for the trial 
After it was over he planned to shut 
down his practice and to spend some 
years on а world cruise, And to start 
cultivating а mustache. 


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GIRLS OF RUSSIA 


If time and pelf permit, take a trip to 
the lush, mountainous, subtropical 
cation spots that dot the Black Sea area 
deep in the Soviet southland, just a few 
hours from Moscow by jet. 

Tn the ancient streets of "Tbilisi, the 
inland capital of the Сео S. R., 
dark-cyed beauties Hash their eyes in a 
far more direct and less sentimental way 
than their northern sisters. In this 2400- 
-old city, you will find the girls 
heady, impetuous and outgoing. Their 
famous sense of humor is spontaneous 
ind infectious: а Georgian woman con- 
siders it perfectly feminine and 
to communicate her high spirits in public 
as well as privately. 
and u 
by Georgian peachniks in their clothing, 
ge to tailor and wear so 
ically that the generally unin- 
1 patterns and colors of Soviet mass- 
produced fabrics are overcome by sheer 
imagination. In the larger cities of 
it is not at all uncommon to ste 
women casually but chicly gotten up in 
a manner that is refreshingly reminiscent 
of Greenwich V 

In the sun-soaked. Black Sea resort of 
Sochi, just north of the Georgian Repub- 
lic, the mountains tumble down to the 
almost tepid sea in one of the world’s 
richest profusions of subtropical and 
temperate vegetation. making it a na- 
ture lovers’ paradise. And since the girls 
of Sochi are ardent nature lovers, it 
would behoove you to do the natural 
thing: engage them in bikinied swims 
along the endless stretches of beach and, 
as the ооп wanes, delight them 
with an invitation to take a romantic 
coastal romp into the colorful 
beckoning mountain greenery; there, 
like surroundings, you 
can be perfectly private picnic 
à deux. From that point on, the appro- 
priate singing and swinging in the soft 
wilderness is up to you. 

Farther north, on the Crimean Penin- 
s the lovely, rather smallish and 
Mediterraneanlike port of Yalta. Unlike 
Sochi, which attracts vacationers from 
all over Russia, Yalta is less crowded and 
slower paced. Its famed beaches boast as 
nis as St. Tropez, and the girls 
arm-blooded as their Gallic 
Phe city and its girls have 
a distinct Southern European quality. 
which is a relaxing contrast to the col- 
lective grimness and sameness of many 
of the 1 in Northern Russia. 

Incidentally, for the pleasure-bent 
tourist, as opposed to the sociologically 
curious traveler, the capital cities of the 
Tron Curtain countries and their more 
cosmopolitan resorts are the places to go, 
since the hinterlands do not offer the 
customary amen and the language 
ier may prove nigh insurmountable. 


which they 
dram: 


(continued from page 116) 


The girls of Estonia, Latvia and Lith- 
чапа — those pre-World War П na- 
tions on the eastern shore of the Baltic 
a that, after the War, were incor- 
porated into the Soviet Union — belong 
to several distinct ethnic groups. The 
herited physical characteristics of thei 
ancient Indo-European ancestors — firm, 
lithe bodies, brown hair and dark eyes 
— distinguish them from their more m 
merous Slavic sisters. 

‘The lasses of pre-Christian Latvia and 
Lithuania are said to have practiced a 
rather suggestive variant of Old Norse 
nature worship. Their special deity was 
Agle (Aa-gley), the maiden queen of the 
garter snakes. Perhaps that explains why, 
should you visit those lands now, the 
young womenfolk may seem to possess 
а delightfully pagan quality, one th 
thanks to centuries of myth and mysti- 
cism — is imbued with worship of nature 
and her phallic symbolisms. 

Hundreds of years of successive inva- 
sions introduced another feminine pro- 
totype, however, seen in the Baltic states 
in large numbers: tall, long-legged, light- 
haired and azure-cyed girls impressive in 
their statuesque charm. These are the 
descendants of swashbuckling marauders 
from the north, Teutons and Scands of 
old who came, conquered and settled 
down. 

In the eastern and northern areas of 
Latvia and Lithuania the girls are cast 
in a more earthy mold, There, the full- 
blown proportions of the peasant 
are in evidence. A striking example of 
those ample proportions may be gleaned 
from statistics released by the Latvian 
ladies undergarment industry. The sizes 
of mass-produced brassieres manufac- 
tured for home consumption run up to 58. 

As you progress northeast along the 
Baltic the evidence of Scandinavian and 
Teutonic heritage diminishes; the girls 
darker, not so tall and a bit more 
plump. By the time you reach Estonia, 
which lies just south of Finland, you 
will begin to notice that the women bear 
the Asiatic stamp of their racial fore- 
bears, the Finno-Ugrians. 

On your northward journey, you can 
catch а microcosmic glimpse of the en- 
tire Baltic feminine spectrum by swim- 
ming or beachcombing anywhere along 
the ten miles of dappled strand that 
front the Gulf of Riga below Skulte. 
‘There, you will be delighted to find that 
the belles of the Baltic, whatever their 
origin, sport and sun on the clean, 
white stretches. of а with bikinied 
abandon. 


s 


only an hour and a half 

way from Moscow by jet, but it is much 
like entering another world. The Polish 
Communist regime is rather exceptional 
in that it allows for a considerable de- 
gree of intellectual independence. There 


are no concentration camps and political 
prisoners in Poland today, perhaps be- 
cause the whole population, including 
the governmental apparatus, had its fill 
of such horrors, first under the ds, 
and then, after the War, until Stalin 
died in 1953. The present hcad of state. 
Gomulka, was himself a political prisoner 
during that period because of his rela- 
tively Пре "deviationist" convictions. 

"The Polish girl, possibly the most vivid 
and attractive in all Europe, has taken 
full advantage of the political thaw: no 
matter from what section of the country 
she hails, basically she's from Missouri. 
She doesn’t automatically buy the official 
party line and dogma any more than an 
American coed swallows the pious moral 
pronouncements of her dean of women. 
By temperament she is defiantly ind 
vidualistic, colorful and explosive, q 
to demand and exercise all the rights 
privileges of feminine emancipation 
guaranteed her under the Pol 
tution. For example, she may vote and 
hold political office; she may receive with- 
out cost as much of an education, in any 
professional area, as her intelligence and. 
aptitude qualify her for; she may bear 
children, or not, as she chooses — birth- 
control clinics are state operated, as are 
abortion facilities. If she is pregnant 
and wants to work as well, she will rc- 
ceive a 12-week confinement vacation 
with full pay, and when she returns to 
her job her child will be cared for in a 
free nursery. 

In any Polish city or town you will 
meet numerous girls whose svelte appear- 
ances љост to belie their depth of per- 
sonality, But should you ask one of them 
to tell you about herself, she might 
begin in careful, well-accented English, 
“We Poles are all quite mad. We say and 
do what we please, and we even surprise 
ourselves.” 

But don't be too titillated by the fer- 
vor of her declaration, at least not yet. 
For if she senses that you detect the 
irony that underlies her rhetoric, she 
may continue in tones less extravagant 
and cocky, but more quiet and assured: 
"That's our romantic self-image, of 
course, and in the poetic sense, 1 suppose 
it's wue, But the War forced us to come 
to our senses. We saw how much needless 
death and suffering was caused by indulg- 
ng in one of our fond but tragically out- 
moded national delusions: the one that 
confused individual acts of defiance with 
real bravery. Too often, during the 
Resistance, we would throw ourselves 
blindly at the Nazis. We had to be shown 
the hard way that to practice such ir- 
responsible heroics was simply self-de- 
suuctive. Now we're trying to turn the 
passion behind that rage—our Polish 
madness, our imagination — to the realis- 
tic tasks we all face. We have learned to 
be more serious about matters of life 
and death.’ 


The Polish girl you will run into will 
probably be an urbnik rather than a 
Tarmer's daughter. She will definitely not 
consider that Küche, Kinder und Kirche 
are the beall and end-all of feminine 
Anyone so and 
gauche as to suggest that such conditions 
of servitude 


existence. Victorian 


е virtuous and proper, will 
witness just how quickly a pair of smol- 
dering Polish eyes can explode with in- 
dignation. One could propose nothing 
more indecent to her than the prospect 
of spending the rest of her days slaving 
in a kitchen and for a spouse and 
progeny 

The best thing to do in the unlikely 
event that she brings up the subject is 
to gracefully cop out by inviting her to 
dinner, and later, to а club. In such 
surroundings, what will impress her the 


most about you—besides the intrinsically 
attractive face that you're an American 


= your cultural hipness. You'll cer- 


tainly advance your cause of what might 
be termed more intimate cross-cultural 
interpersonal coexistence if you share 
her enthusiasm for, among other things, 


azz, contemporary painting, literature 


and ideas. Concerning the latter, you will 
be delighted to know that her views on 
as advanced 


sexual freedom are apt to be 
as yours, That doesn't mean, however 
if be- 


that she's a pushover, Howevei 


tween drinks and dances you happen to 
speak to her about the latest riffs of 
Dizzy Gillespie and Ornette Golem: 
the recent of Francis Bacon 
and Pablo Picasso, and the plays, books 
and films of Edward Albee, William S. 
Burroughs, Ingmar Bergman, Jack Gel 
ber and Stanley Kubrick, then your 
Drang nach Osten will be well under 
мау, 

The flavor апа pacing of the rebuilt 
Warsaw, а city of a million, are urbane, 
sophisticated and cool The latest in 
American jazz and. Paris fashions оне 
hit town faster than they do in any of the 
big Western European capitals. As а re- 
sult, Polish girls, with few exceptions, 
seem chic and hip. The happy visitor 
standing in the middle of Nowy Swiat — 
New World Street — is apt to feel almost 
overcome at the sight of so much slim, 
spirited beauty moving about him. For 


canvases 


the Polish girl makes no bones about it 
if she finds a stranger in town to her 
tastes. On the street, in a café or restau- 
rant, her remarkably luminous сусу tell 
a man just what she is thinking. And 
k of nothing 
finer than getting acquainted with an 
American. The opportunities for mect- 


most Polish girls can u 


ing are manifold. The pretty girls have 
a leisurely sort of program that makes it 


atively simple to meet them, Although 


the Polish working day is from eight 
to three, somehow Poles always seem to 
be found in cafés at all hours holding 
Torth on life and Iove. From one to three 
in thc beauties 
put in an appearance at PIW (pro: 
nounced PIFF) on Foksal Street, just 
off Nowy Swiat, a small bookshop cum 
bar. A tall, graceful 
fashion model may let the visitor buy 
her a small cup of bitter coffee. The 
tiny redheaded jazz pianist may suggest 
that you accompany her to the next 
stopping spot on the afternoon circuit, 
the café of the Hotel Europenjski, the 
newest Warsaw hostelry. 

There, in a tea-for-two atmosphere 
(complete with a pianist tinkling out 
Tea for Two), you can decide to pur- 
sue your acquaintance, or else move 
across the street to the Bristol Cafe. After 
a few drinks — strong, sweet Polish tea 
= апі cheesecake (the likes of which 
would put Lindy's to shame) or, if you 
choose, icy Polish vodka in fresh orange 
juice, you may decide to uausfer your 


afternoon, the Warsaw 


espresso blonde 


many cellar 
will find 
ambiance to spare, and a plethora of 


activities to one of the 


caves” for dancing. You 


high Slavic cheekbones tocratically 


nd inviting dark eyes. 


boned figur 
For an even wider selection of eligible 


coeds and young career girls, you might 


Next time you get a haircut, 
ask your barber for a tip. 


Ask him how to get rid of dandruff. He'll tip you off to Hask. He knows Hask works. Which is 
why. it's unconditionally guaranteed. No ifs, ands or buts. Hask Ной 


„ттш 
КИШИ uy 


and Scalp Conditioner. 


PLAYBOY 


138 


“I wouldn't be too concerned if І were you, Mrs. Hopkins. It 
may very well prove to be an asset when she grows up.” 


stroll down from the Stare Miasto to the 
a huge barn, behind the Senate 
now a dance hall In the 
gloaming, some thrce hundred or so 
young Poles twist, hullygully and surf 
to relays of exubei bands. 
Even the Young Communists’ Club, the 
Hybryde оп Mokotowska Street, despite 


the possibly grim overtones of the or 


ganizers, is опе of the swingingest places 
in town. The two-story building offers 
dancing with a jazz band that has toured 
the United States, a television. lounge, 
а bar, an American jukebox 
па a billiard room. 

Although these three boites us 
fold up at midnight, you need not fi 
your night is over, for Warsaw offers a 
fine selection of other clubs complete 
with vodka, live music and women. The 
Kameralya on Foksal is spirited, but here 
perhaps it is well to arrive with com- 
panion in hand, The Grand, Bristol and 
Europenjski night dubs, on the other 
hand. give you the opportunity of find- 
ing fem: le ndship in the shank end 
ight with little effort on your 


nd records, 


ly 


istocratic tradition dies hard 
nd. After a few days in the Polish 
capital you may catch yourself beginning 
Is you meet, 


to give polite brief bows to gi 
and may even learn how to kiss a lady's 
hand with style. Even the most emanc 
pated of Polish girls still appreciates the 
Old World treatment. But apart from 
this taste for tradition, the Polish miss is 
resolutely living in her age and has no 
patience for the sentimental trappings so 
dear to Russian hearts. There is perhaps 
but one somewhat theatrical detail you 
might bear in mind regarding the girls of 
Warsaw. In general, for au affair of the 
heart to really count for them, there 
must be some public furor — prefer- 
ably a good row in a calé in front of 
all her friends, winding up in her being 
slapped or slapping, tears, recriminations 
and storming off, to be followed, of 
course, by a tender reconciliation. Even 
the most cventempered of girls may 
force themselves to provoke a good sce 
in public, lest they be considered too 
bland and uninteresting by their com- 
patriots. 

You may get the impression that all 
Polish girls know English, and you will 
be constantly reminded by them that the 
second largest Polish city is Chicago. 
Many girls have traveled to France, 
Italy and Great Britain, and speak at 
least one or more of those tongues reason- 
ably well. The most thoughtful items you 
can bring along to promote a friendship 
here are a few copies of a fashion m: 
zine, such as Mademoiselle ог the Pari- 
sian Elle. The problem of finding a place 
to be alone with your comp: s no 
more difficult to solve than it ny 
of the Western European capitals, After 
a number of whirlwind days in Warsaw 


you may find yourself at the Orbis State 
Tourist offices extending your visa so 
you can continue your researches among 
Polish girls by going off for a ski week 
at Zakopane, high in the Tatra Moun- 
tains, or for a weekend's sailing on the 
aurian Lakes. Both resorts, in their 
respective seasons, offer the best possible 
selection of sportive young creatures. 
Perhaps it would be appropriate to 
conclude our encomium for Polish wom- 
anhood with one recently writien by 
Brzechwa, a contemporary Polish writer 
who chose the women of Warsaw as his 


prototype 
“I have seen the women of almost 

the European capitals: the Roman 

woman believes in a man's love only if 


he is ready to commit a crime for her, a 
ese demands madness, a Parisian — 
foolishness, Warsaw women do not ask 
me to commit crimes for them, or acts of 
madness or foolish things. They are satis- 
fied with a bunch of violets and a bit of 
tenderness. 

"I don't maintain that they are more 
beautiful, wiser or better than the wom- 
en of other countries and cities. They 
are simply different. They have a diffi- 
cult life, they are weighed down by a 
burden of duties, they have jobs, do their 
housework, bring up their childre: 
the men are only too ready to ы 
their shoulders all the inconv 
life. But despite this, nothing 1 de- 
prive the Varsovienne of her femit 
charm, attractiveness and elegance. And 
all th Ч unnoticed, by the 


Vier 


па 


not the only freewheeling 
Ivon Curtain country. Yugoslavia, land 
of the Slavs of the south, in many re- 
spects barely stays behind the Cur 
With two alphabets, three religions, four 
nguages, five nationalities, six republics 
1 a good ten minority groups, Yu 
slavia is easily the most heterogeneous 
counwy in Europe. The marks of cight 
centuries of successive invasions and con- 
quests by the Turks, Austri ermans, 
Hu Bulgarians and Italians ca 
be read in the faces of the people and 
the architecture of its cities. 

Before World War П, it was unthink- 
able for “ Yugoslav. girls to work 
own livings. Because of 
г enforced idleness, they were kugely 
family-oriented and subject to severe sex- 
al and social restric 
Today, the girls of Yugos 
much freer to go and do as they please, 
since most of them now work and sup- 
port themselves. They tend to exercise 
their new-found freedom, with the knowl- 
edge that their liberated status is backed 
up by voting rights, liberal marriage and 


are 


divorce laws, perated birth-control 
ind abortion clinics, as well as free 
nurseries for working mothers. The girls 
dulge their right to travel, as well, 
mixed groups. If you 

" Adriatic resorts as 
r the It you 
Ш find them indoors in clubs, where 
striptease and roulette abound. and out- 
doors on the lovely, quiet, clifl-backed 
beaches, where they abound at their 
bikinied best. 
For five dol 
end of the со 


cither alone or in 
make it to such 
Opatija, п 


n border, 


Jars, you сап Пу from one 
wy to the other in less 
than two hours. But don't forget the 
stops in between: from the snowy St. 
Julian ski-resort mountains. to the Gold- 
tn Rocks at Pula on the Istrian Penin- 
sula, to uim, Hapsburgian Zagreb, to the 
exotic minarets of Montenegrin hamlets 
by the Albanian border. you will en- 
counter extraordinarily hospitable, casy- 
to-mect girls. In fact, don't be surprised 


if a girl insists on paying for not ошу 
her own drink or meal but yours as 
well, at least the first time you go out 


together. It is not a question of suffra- 
gelte mentality, but simply an example 


of the deep sense of hospi that 
Yugoslavs traditionally display. 

Just about all the girls you are apt 
to meet in cities like Zagreb or Belgrade 


will speak fairly fluent English. Zagreb, 
with its Aus hus the distinction 
of being the only city in the Soviet Bloc 
to olfer strip acts, in the boite аг the 
le. The girls of Zagreb 
es with an elegance quite Наван, 
which comes from frequent trips across 
the nea nto Italy, If you 
the terrace of the 
café across from the National Theater, 
you may soon find yourself in conversa- 
tion with a buxom, sugarspun blonde 
student from the nearby dramatic acad 
emy. In the evening you can join the 
student and young professional crowd 
that gathers atop Zagreb's one sky- 
scraper, at the intersection of Піса and 
Trg Republike, for a drink, dancing, and 
he tail 
d up on 


a marvelous view of the city. 7 


end of the evening can be wou 
the terrace of the Hotel Esplanade. 
There, you need not tax yourself unduly, 
for both completely nonprofessional and 
professional girls. equally lovely, abound, 
Afterward, if you're still troubled by 
insomnia, try a slivovitz in the cellar bar 
for a latelate nightcap. 
Belgrade, the country's capi 
more remi, 
hegemony. The girls, accordingly, 
rather shy, though not as shy as in S; 
jevo, which is still largely Mosler 


is much 


iscent of the days of Turkish 
are 


rf about lı 
ade's Hotel Metropol. one of the 
finest inns of the country, offers ап ex- 
cellent opportunity to view, in a leisurely 
fashion, some of the less shy Balkan beau- 


139 


PLAYBOY 


ties on the terrace or in the bar. After 
1 drink — the bar offers the best 
п Scotch, Ru: п and Polish vodka as 
well as the n powerful slivovitz — 
you can invite the young lady for whom 
you have bought a drink to dine at the 
Venecija restaurant on a terrace project- 
ing out over the rushing Sava River. 
There you will be served marvelously 
grilled fish marinated in herbs, For the 
night owl who has not hooked up with 
anyone earlier, there are always the re- 
sources of the Lotus Bar, a colorfully 
rowdy spot in the center of the city that 
ys open to dawn 
The beaches, and the film and music 
festivals that go on all through the sum- 
mer on the country’s coast, bring forth 
not merely the finest flower of Yugo: 
girlhood, but an impressive gathering of 
the more adventurous girls (тот Ger- 
many, Great Bi ad Italy- 
An hour by jet from Belgrade, neatly 
equidistant from London, Paris, Istanbul, 
Moscow and Stockholm, sits Budapest, 
dubbed Queen of the Danube. In the 
last few years, the city has regained much 
of its pre-War gaicty and flair for high 
living. If you stop at the elegant Gellért 
or Duna hotels, situated on opposite 
banks of the Danube, service will be im- 
pressively courtly and expeditious. Every 
meal — with some of the best cooking 
outside Paris — is served up to the accom- 
paniment of whirling, passionate Gypsy 
violinists zooming among the tables. 
From the moment you land at Ferihegy 
трон you will make the delightful dis 
ian girls firmly be- 
at the brassiere is a thoroughly 
de of dress — most of 
find, scorn It i 


will 


them, 
stimulating experience to sit on the pl 


you 


1t terrace of Vörösmarty, the smartest 
8) shop of Budapest and watch 
g women gently joggle past. 
lie Gie Has с Mag- 
s produce а svelte and. sophisticated 
breed of girls with, аз an overall gener- 
lization, the prettiest legs in Eastern 
Europe, bar none. Easy encounters are 
nearly limitless in Budapest, with its 
long history of the dedicated pursuit of 
pleasure. The Gellért Hotel offers the 
joint attractions of a large swimming 
pool, complete with hot springs and а 
ficial waves, and an ample terrace front- 
ing on the Danube. There, you are more 
than likely to meet a sprightly fashion 
model or pert strawberry-blonde dancer 
ог a paledipsticked movie actress. The 
late afternoon holds much promise at 
two cozy cafés on the fashionable Vaci 
Utca on the Pest side of the Danube: the 
Anna and the Kedver boast а host of 


р: 


pleased if you ask them to dance. 
As part of getting acquainted, take 
your date on a drive up to the Và 


140 Csillag Hotel atop Srabadsaghegy for 


dinner and dancing on a terrace over- 
looking Budapest and most of the ad- 
joining countryside for 50 miles. 

For night owls, Budapest has a collec- 
tion of agreeable, cosily dim spots for a 
last drink and dance, like Pipács, near 
the Duna Hotel, or the Club of the Gel- 
lért. Most of the hotel bars in the late 
hour € their share of unattached, 
eminently available girls. 

One of the curiosities of Budapest is 
the singularity of the Hungarian Ian- 
guage, unrelated to any of the Indo-Eu- 
ropean tongues, One of the effects of the 
language is the strange sensation of being 
in one of those make-believe Central 
European kingdoms dear to the hearts of 
19th Century novelists and B-picture 
producers. Fortunately, since so few visi 
tors сап master Hun an, most Hun- 
garians speak English or French as a 
mater of course. 

One of the more agrecable prospecting 
areas for the visitor is Margit-Sziget, St. 
Marguerite's Island, set in the middle of 
the Danube between Buda and Pest. In 
the island's big park is an open-air swim- 
ming pool which b ngs forth the trim 
ed figures of the daughters of the 
rulers of the New Class. 

The capital of the ancient kingdom of 
Bohemia (Czechoslovakia) is Prague, less 
than а jet hour from Switzerland. It is 
generally considered a very close rival 
of Paris for the title of Europe's most 
beautiful city. Complete with a fairy-tale 
castle, palaces, gardens, winding cobble- 
stoned streets, low archways, and gaslit. 
bridges, Prague immediately delights the 


суе and spirit. A strong Germanic flavor 
permeates life here, with feather beds, 
whipped cream, and heel-clicking promp- 


titude in se: 


ice. Until relatively recent- 
ly, life here was more rigidly controlled 
than in any of the neighboring Curtain 
lands and the possibilities for conducting 
friendships were distinctly limited. To- 
day, although all-night visitors are not 
permitted in а guest's hotel room, there 
are no difficulties about afternoon and 
carly-evening visits. and Czechs now have 
по hesi g a visitor 
from abroad into their homes. 

The average Czech miss is extremely 
direct, even frontal, in her approach, and 


may startle the visitor by taking the 
initiative all along the linc. She feels 
t almost an obligation to make the most 


of her prime years — which she considers 
to be from 15 to 22 — before seuling 
down to house and spouse. And a for- 
eigner, particularly an American, rates 
very high as a partner for doing so. 

If you go for peaches-and-cream looks, 
you will be in your element. Natural, 
opulent blondes abound, although there 
is the occasion wr contrast of a 
Slovak lass with dusky locks and color- 
ing. When you take your first promenade. 
down Václavské Namesti, the Champs 
Elysées of Prague, you will find yourself 


exitii 


the immediate object of frank, admiring 
looks. All you need to remember is 10 
return the compliment, often the im- 
mediate lead-in to a conversation 

Prague is chock-full of cosy dark cor- 
ner for pursuing a friendship. Tavern 
restaurants, darkwwooded, ancient and 
candlelighted, like the Mecenis or the 
U Trí Pstroso in the Mala St offer 
steaming plates of the Czech national 
specialty: pork chops with sweet and sour 
cabbage and some of the world’s finest 
In summer, a safe bet is to 
young Czech friend, via cable 
‚ to Petrin Hill, overlooking castles, 
. ps id river. There you 
wine and woo her in a vast 


can 
rose garden. In such surroundings, it 


shouldn't be hard to understand why 
and how Prague could inspire creative 
artists as different as Mozart and Franz 
Kafka to produce some of their finest 
works. 

The tearooms of the Yalta and Aleron 
hotels in the late afternoon are fine 
hunting grounds for finding elegant 
young women about town who have 
dropped in for tea and a bit of pros- 
ig of their own. The Luxor Café, 
‚ is where the student 
па beatnik-fringe crowds hold court 
from lunchtime until midnight. 

One of the most appealing places to 

wind up an evening — but only if you 
ad а companion — is the Ope 
Il, just off the river. Since it seats only 
20, reservations are mandatory. Every 
evening the Grill's elegant, witty, multi- 
ngual maitre de greets a collection of 
fashionably turned out couples, the 
women mostly blonde beauties, ranging 
from ambassadors’ daughters to | 
callgirls. 
ht clubs like the Barabara in the 
Stare Miasto and those of the big hotels 
indude food, drink, floor shows and very 
decent bands all through the night. (A 
word of advice: If a Czech girl gently 
murmurs "Amo" to a visitor, she is not 
tuming him down politely. In Czech 
Ahno means Yes.) 
In addition to the pleasures of making 
ends with the indigenous chickniks, 
travelers are reminded of American Em- 
bassy girls. They usually speak the lan- 
guage, know the country and have their 
own apartments. Also bear in mind that 
on your rn European jaunt you're 
sure to run into touring American girls 
who nearly always are charmed to find 
someone from home. 

In general, knowledge of the local lan- 
guage, while it may help hasten an 
quaintance, is far from necessary. The 
girls of East Europe, as the accompany- 

ng photos so convincingly show, are 
well worth the small effort it takes today 
to slip your chains and have а ball be- 
hind the Curtain. 


a 


LABOR (continued from page 86) 


a reasonable profit 
increases can be contemplated. I have 
found that this can be done successfully 
in most instances, provided management 
сап substantiate its statements. 

There really aren't. many legitimate 
labor leaders who have any desire to 
wreck а company that has a contract 
with their union. Most will even co- 
operate in finding ways to increase 
production if they are convinced it's 
necessary to. keep. the company solvent 
or if it will mean better or greater 
security for the members of their union. 
In such cases, it's up to management to 
do the convincing — with facts. It all 
adds up to one thing: Working together, 
instead of fighting cach other, both cap- 
al and labor can achieve their material 
ms — are їп the wealth 
their combined efforts create. 

Helping labor realize its second aim 
is no less important. To satisfy labor's 
desire for recognition, management must 
give it just that, Ma ment must show 
that it appreciates the importance of the 
individuals who actually perform the 

The responsibility and capacity 
for accomplishing this rests, in very large 
measure, with the individual executi 
who, to the worker, represents and even 
personifies management. 

I never cease to be amazed by the 


rned before wage 


h can sl 


wor 


numbers of executives who do not real- 
ize the value of personal contact with 
k-and-fle employees. In some com- 
panies, the only times a production 
worker is likely to see a high-level exec- 
utive are during full-dress Army-style 
inspection tours or when company 
* escort VIP visitors through the 


plant. 
Oh, yes. Then there are the executive 
visits occasionally staged by the com- 


рапуз publicrelations department. The 
scenario for such an expedition изи 
follows a routine something like th 
At a given hour — generally in the late 
morning or midalternoon —an impec 
cably dressed vice-president and a covey 
of busding retainers descend оп the 
plant. The party hesitantly and cau 
tiously picks its way along the aisles 
between the rows of unfamiliar, noisy 
machines and stops, say, in front of a 
lathe. 

The vice-president fidgets, adjusts his 
necktie, shoots his culls and selt-con- 
sciously edges closer to the lathe. He 
tries to look interested in the work be- 
ing done on the machine and pretends 
to talk to the lathe operator whose 
name has just been whispered into his 
car, and which he has garbled. 

Two or three photographers raise 
their cameras and focus on the dismal 


tableau. Flash bulbs flare, the vice-presi- 


dent mumbles something unintelligible 
—and he and his retinue beat a hasty 
retreat, returning to the pine paneled 


peace and quiet of the company's down- 
town administrative offices. 

A photograph of the vice-president 
and the lathe operator appears in the 
local paper the next day—and in the 
company’s house organ the following 
Ir. Wilbur Knowall, Bollix and 
Company's vice-president in charge of 
personnel, maintains close contact with 
the firm's employees,” the caption under 
the picture reads. “He is shown conduct- 
ing one of his frequent on-the-job inter 
views with Joe Smith, a lathe operator 
who has been with Bollix and Company 
for nearly three years.” 

The comments of Joe Smith and his 
fellow production workers when they 
see this are best left to the imagination 
The only ones fooled by the transparent 
stunt are Mr. Wilbur Knowall and thc 
company's so-called public-relations di- 
rector 

SelErespecting workers resent such 
stunts which make a mockery of what 
has been called the dignity of labor 
and so would I, if I were an employcc 
of a "Bollix and Company.” But then. 
my attitudes about work and toward la 
bor were formed in the oil fields, where 
the inflexible governing rule was: The 
man who works for you is entitled to 


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141 


PLAYBOY 


142 


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732 East Ohio Street, Chicago 11, fllinois. 


decent wages, decent working conditions 
— and your respect. 

Although my father wealthy, 1 
worked in the Oklahoma oil fields as a 
roustabout and tool-dresser before 1 be- 

g on my own asa wildcatter. 

mong 

1 worked on the drilling 

who formed my crews. 

At one time or another. 1 worked as а 

rigger, driller, explosives man, drilling 

superintendent — at just about every job 
to be found on a drilling site. 

Мапу years of such firsthand experi- 
ence taught me that the me 
ally do the work аге most certainly 
entitled to decent wages and working 
ad their employers! respect. 
rned that nothing inspires 
worker lovalty or builds worker morale 
more swiftly than an employer’ 
tion of his employees’ importance 
his sincere interest in their well-bei 

A man likes to feel u 
doing is important — and. d 
looks at him as a person. 
number on the payroll" is the w 
veteran driller once expre 


who actu- 


the boss 


not just a 


he's actually part of the operati 
just a hired hand working on the job— 
and it sure makes him feel good if the 
boss comes around now and then to sec 
how he's making out," 
xecutives who stay awake nights try- 
ing to find better ways to improve em- 
ployee loyalty, morale and efficiency 
would do well to paste this old-time 
driller’s words into their Homburgs. 
They could spend years searching for a 
better answer or more reliable formula. 

Cheap stunts and tinselly 
building schemes are definitel 
answer. The average worker is liberally 
endowed with common sense and healthy 
skepticism. He is quick to see through 
the bogus stratagems incpt or inexpe- 
enced management personnel are 
to devise in bumbling efforts to 
along with labor 

The important thing is to let 
worker know that he and his work 
i 1 to the company — and to be- 
xd mean it, Any executive who 
doesn’t believe the rank-and-file em- 
ly important has no right 
execu for he obviously 
doesn’t have a sense of proportion or 
know wi makes business tick 

As a matter of fact, it's hardly dificult 
to im: ic situations іп which the 
hourly-v im- 
portant than salaricd executive. 
Thomas J € the exalted title 
of third dent, and he 
— and probably does — consider him- 
dispensable. But my guess would 
be that he's far more expendable th; 
say, à crack punch-press operator on the 
sembly line. 
Were Jones to у: 
the scene, his secret 


morale- 
not the 


are 


to be an Ive, 


age employee is far mor 
the 


nish suddenly from 
y—and he's sure 


to have at least one — сап probably run 
things until he returns or until a re- 
placement is found for him. In any 
event, the company will keep on going 
without Jones. But the absence of the 
p 
суеп halt a. production lin 
the last analysis, it's the production line 
and the products which come olf it that 
count most 

The executive who understands and 
assumes his responsibilities takes every 
legitimate opportunity to demonstrate 
to his subordinates that he considers 
their work impor 
and that h 
as individu 


ch-press operator might well slow от 
—and. in 


pt and valuable — 


s and 


spects them as work 
Is. And he takes а sincere. 
interest in their well-being. 

He docs not flatter, patronize or cod- 
dle them. He does, however, always man- 


ige to find time to comment on a 
ticular job that has been especially 
well done or to acknowledge the value of 


a workers ot 


an entire department's 
n to the success of а project. 
In short, he shows by word and action 
that he and the company are aware of 
the workers existence and of the im- 


contribu 


ployee morale—and when morale rise 
employee efheiency and production go 
up while such profitdevouring head- 


a absentecism and 
go down, 

"The good executive does not disdain 
checking personally on working condi- 
tions and takes prompt remedial action 
when he finds them below standard. A 
broken restroom washbasin may seem а 
minor thing. But, if the executive — as а 
representative of management — gets. it 
repaired before the shop steward can 
bring the matter up before the grievance 
committee, tlie executive will be taking 
a major step toward building good labor- 
management relation 

Believe the remedies for many 
labor-management problems are just 
about that simple. When the desires and 
ands of labor are boiled down to 
nd viewed objectively, 
loom as the deadly busi- 
g menaces they are often 
represented to be. They shrink and be- 
come entirely understandable ad 
there is nothing unnatural, immoral or 
subversive about them. 

Labor's basic desires and demands and 
n admonition to management for their 
fulfillment to the fullest reasonable ex- 
tent are succinctly stated in that oil-fields 
dage — the right to decent wages, decent 
working conditions — and respect. 

Management executives accepting this 
tried and proven rule and govern 
themselves by it are able to live with. 
bor comfortably, successfully — and prol- 
itably. As any successful businessman will 
tell you, learning to live with labor is 
sound business. 


abor turnove 


me, 


ness-destroyii 


GLOBAL LINKAGE (continued from page 98) 


ry to brown evenly, Place toma- 
neys, mushrooms and eggplant 
in a shallow pan. Sprinkle with salt, 
pepper and paprika and place under 
broiler flame. Broil until tender, turning 
once. Each food should be checked for 
tenderness from time to time and re- 
moved [rom the fire when necessary. At 
the last moment finish cooking bacon 
under broiler flame. Arrange sausage, 
tomatoes, kidneys, bacon, mushrooms 
and eggplant on large platter. Brush 
with butter and sprinkle with lemon 
juice. 


ITALIAN SAUSAGES WITH CNOCCHI 


1 Ib. Italian thick sausage links, hot 

or sweet or mixed 

4 cup farina 
2 eggs 
2 tablespoons butter 
Grated parmesan. cheese 

1514-07. can marinara sauce 
Salt, papri 
Salad oil 
Bring 3 cups water in a saucepan to a 
rapid boil. Add 1 teaspoon salt. Slowly 
stir in farina, mixing well. Reduce flamc 
as low as possible and cook 5 to 8 min- 
utes, stirring frequently. Separate egg 
yolks from whites. Beat yolks well. Beat 
whites until stiff. Remove farina from 
fire and add butter and 2 tablespoons 
parmesan cheese, stirring well until but- 
ter melts. Add 2 tablespoons water to 
yolks. Slowly stir yolks into farina. Stir 
in whites mixing thoroughly. Pour 
farina into a greased shallow pan or pie 
plate. When slightly cooled, cover with 
wax paper and place in refrigerator to 
chill overnight or at least 4 hours, until 
mixture is very firm. When ready io 
make gnocchi, invert pan onto cutting 
board, removing farina mixture. Cut 
nto dice about 1% in. thick Turn 
gnocchi into shallow baking pan. Pour 
marinara sauce on top. Sprinkle with 
mesan cheese. Sprinkle lightly with 
aprika and oil. Bake in oven preheated 
at 375° for 30 minutes or until top is 
browned. WI i 
sausage links in shallow pan 
Pierce link with fork to keep it 
from bursting. Bake $0 minutes, or 
longer, until sausage is well browned, 
turning when necessary. 


SCRAMBLED EGGS, SAUSAGE QUENELLES 


34 Ib. ground lean pork 

1 cup heavy асат 

1 small onion, diced 

Salt. pepper 

14 teaspoon ground sage 

1% teaspoon ground marjoram 

2 egg whites 

7-ог. bottle imported sauce Diable 
Butter 

8 eggs, well beaten 

4 slices toast, cut in half diagonally 


Put cream, onion, 1 teaspoon salt, 1% 
teaspoon pepper. sage and marjoram in 
well of electric blender. Spin about 10 
seconds. Add egg whites and 4 of the 
meat. Run blender until meat is puréed. 
Gradually add remainder of meat in 
small batches until well blended. Use a 
rubber spatula to force meat toward 
blender blades if necessary. Using a 
tablespoon, shape meat into small oval 
mounds and place in a shallow greased 
saucepan. (Cook in two batches if nec- 
essary. Quenelles should be cooked in 
а single layer in pan.) Cover quenelles 
h boiling water. Place over moderate 
flame. Simmer slowly, with pan covered, 
15 minutes. Heat sauce Diable in sauce- 
pan, but do not boil. In a large pan for 
scrambling eggs melt 3 tablespoons but- 
ter. Add eggs and season generously with 
salt and pepper. Stir constantly. As soon 
as eggs begin to set, add 3 more table- 
spoons butter. Cook until eggs are soft 
scrambled. Place a portion of eggs on 
each serving dish. Alongside eggs place 
pieces of toast. Place sausage quenelles 
on top of eggs. Spoon sauce Diable on 
top of quenelles, 


SAUSAGE CAKES, TRUFFLE SAUCE, 
POTATO BORDURE 


1 Ib. fresh sausage meat 
Butter 

2 tablespoons minced onions 
2 tablespoons minced celery 
14 teaspoon dried tarragon 
3 tablespoons flour 

12-02. can chicken broth 

14 cup tomato juice 

2 tablespoons madeira wine 


2 tablespoons brandy 

oz. can black truffles, minced 

Brown gravy coloring 

Salt. pepper 

6 large-size Idaho potatoes 

Light cream 

1 tablespoon finely minced fresh chives 

Cut sausage meat, or shape by hand, 
into 8 equal flat patties. Sauté onions 
and celery in 3 tablespoons butter in 
saucepan, Add tarragon, Let onions be- 
come golden brown. Stir in flour, Slowly 
stir in chicken broth and tomato juice. 
Bring to a boil. Reduce flame and sim- 
mer slowly % hour. Strain sauce. Add 
madeira, brandy and trufes, and enough 
brown gravy coloring to give sauce a rich 
brown color. Simmer 5 minutes longer. 
Add salt and pepper to taste. Peel 
potatoes and boil until very soft. Drain 
and mash potatoes. Add 2 tablespoons 
butter and enough light crcam to make 
potatocs of medium-thick consistency. 
Add chives and salt and pepper to taste. 
Keep in a double boiler over warm 
water until needed. Place ge cakes 
a shallow pan or skillet. Sauté without 
added fat, until well browned on both 
les. Place sausage cakes in shirred-egg 
dishes or individual casseroles. Using a 
pastry bag and tube, make a border of 
potatoes around edge of each dish or 
casserole. Pour hot truffle sauce over 
sage cakes. 

Endlessly varied in its size and shape, 
color and consistency, the sausage serves 
as a delectable link to gourmandise in 
almost every country of the world. You'll 
know why when you've sampled these 
recipes. 


" 


“Just think . . . just 1214 hours ago our jet 


was in New York. 


p 


мз 


PLAYBOY 


144 


BIFFEN'S MILLIONS (continued from page 80) 


“Open that door 
“Which door?" 
“That door.” 
“Oh, that door? 
Biff obligingly opened the door and 

stood awaiting further instructions, but 


Percy, apparently satisfied, waved him 
back to 


his seat. 


was impressed by these precautions. He 
was beginning to feel that he was in 
the secret service and would shortly have 
to be prepared to find himself addressed 
as X-1503. “Who is this man, you were 


saying. Murphy, as he calls himself, 
though his real name is probably some- 
m ky or -vitch, poses as 
a freelance journalist, one of those fel- 


lows who drift about Fleet Street pickin; 
up jobs, but we know that he's an agent 
of a certain unfriendly power 
"Which shall be nameless? 
No names, no pack drill.” 
“FIL bet it's Russia.” 
“Very smart of you to guess it.” 
“Your saying his name cnded 
sky or -vitch gave me the clue.” 
‘Quite. Well, the Yard wants to find 
out what he's up to. There's something 
cooking — they know that—but the 
question is what, and that’s where you 
come in. He's always at the Rose & 
Crown in Fleet Street at night. ГШ in- 
uoduce you — 1 kuow him fairly well — 
and then you can sit down with him and 
become friendly — 
"And find out what he's up t 
Exactly." 
Biff was silent for a moment. 
“May I raise a point?" he said. “One 
would describe this Murphy roughly as 
ternational spy, 1 take 
“Exactly. 
“Well, aren't international spies in- 
ned to be on the cagey side? That's 
the books I'v 
read. Don't think Im trying to make 
difficulties, but isn’t there just а ci 
that he'll maintain a cold reserve 
refrain from sobbing out his secrets on 
my shoulder? It's worth considering. 
Once more, Percy permitted himself 
that smile of his which was so like some- 
thing out of a horror film. 
“I was coming to that. You wi 
course see that he drinks heavily and 


with. 


c 
how they always 


loses his caution. 

But that means ГЇЇ have to drink, 
too. 

“OI course, If you're thinking of the 
expense, that will be taken care of. Be- 


fore you leave this office 
» pounds. Call a 


, Iwill give you 
gain tomorrow, and 
forty waiting for 
nd if you manage to extract any 
ything of value 
somethin 
to go on. it will be looked on as money 
well spent. 


He paused, and a deep sigh escaped 
Biff. It sounded like the rustling of bank 
notes receding into the distance. He was 
remembering his promise to Linda 
Rome to confine himself to a single cock- 
tail before dinner and a single glass of 
wine during the meal and at other times 
to exercise an austerity as rigid as that 
of Gwendoline bs" Uncle Willie, the 
notorious total abstainer. He was at a 
loss to see how this ascetic regime could 
he combined with tying on a bundle 
with international spies in Fleet Street 
pubs. 

And yet... 50 quid... a ne 
when he had never needed a financial 
shot in the arm тоге... 

He wavered. 

And then Lin 
eyes, and he w: 
"m sorry —" he began, and was on 
the point of making the great renunci: 
tion when the telephone 
‘or you, Percy Pilbeam, ha 
ing him the instrument 
Biff?" said the telephone. 

“Oh, hello, Jerry.” 

“Listen, Biff,” said Jerry, and his voice 
was urgent. 
news, I'm a . Your 
rang up a moment ago.” 
h yes. Wanting to speak to me, 
of course.” 

“She thought she was speaking to you, 
for she started right off, not 
a chi 


"s face rose before his 
s stron 


nd- 


Linda 


blonde — 

"Death and despa 
nd when there м 
wasn't immediately, and I said I w: 
you, she said Oh, wasn't I, and wanted 
to know where she could get in touch 
with you. I told her you'd gone to the 
Argus Inquiry Agency, and I imagine 
she'll be giving you a buzz shortly.” 

“Despair and death! 

So Î thought I'd better give you this 
word of warning, so that you'd li 
time to knock together a story of some 
ind. Think quick, is my ad 
can assure you that her voice was 
She spoke like a girl who wanted an 
explanation, and a fairly full one. Well, 
goodbye and best of luck.” 

“Вай news?" said Percy Pilbeam, as 
he replaced the receiver. “For уо 
added а moment later, as the 

ш; agai 
This time, 


an “Oh, 


hello, 
honey” sheepishly spoken by Biff, all 
the talking was done at the other end 


beyond 


of the wire. It was plain to Percy Pi 
beam that whoever was doing it wa 
the female sex, which is celeb: 
on the telephone, for never allow 
arty of the second ра 
edgeways. He noted the slow droop- 
g of his companion's jaw and the look 
of dismay that came into his eyes. An 


able diagnostician, he had no difficulty 
in deducing that Biff was being properly 
told off by some unseen ladyfriend, and 
if he had had a heart, it would have 
bled for him. He, too, had been told 
off by ladyfriends in his time. 
But business was business, and he was 
d when at last — after shouting “But 
listen, Linda! Listen! Listen!"— Biff re- 
turned the receiver to its place. 
“Well, how about it?" he said. 
you take the job: 
Sure," he said, “I'll take it," and he 
strode from the room, a somber, dign 
fied figure who would have reminded 
more widely 1 man than Percy Pil- 
beam of Shelley's Alastor, and Percy re- 
sumed his work, well content. He was 
skimming through some photostats of 
letters which would eventually enable 
Mrs. F. С. Bostock of Green Street, Lon: 
don W. 1, to sever her matrimonial re- 
lations with Mr. Bostock, when a thought 
struck him. He reached for the tele- 
phone and called Tilbury House, asking 
for the office of its proprietor. 
хеп 
“Oh, hullo, Perce.” 
Gwen, are you secing any- 
of that fellow Christopher these 


Will 


"Quite a lot. We've just had lunch 
together. Why?" 

"Well, give him a miss." 
But he's a millionair 
les not а millionaire, 
never going to be one, 
What do you mea 
isten," said Perc: 

It had not been his intention to гє 
veal to any outside party the business 
arrangement into which he had entered 
with Lord Tilbury, for he considered 
that these things are better kept in 
t confidence between. principal and 
agent, but it had not taken him long 
to recognize that here was a special case, 
In language adapted to the meanest in. 
telligence, and there were few meaner 
intelligences than that of his cousin 
Gwendoline, he unfolded cvery detail 
of that business arrangement, omitti 
nothing. 

“$o don't you have anything more to 
do with the fellow," he concluded. “You 
wait for Tilbury. 

“Соо!” said Gwendoline. “I'm glad 
you told me." 


and hc" 


It was with a pen 


face 


ing e 
night at а modest hotel in the Blooms 
bury neighborhood, rang the bell of 


Number Three, Halsey Chambe 


the following morning. She was th 


of Henry Blak 


of Lower 
па and The Cedars, Mafeking 
Zheltenham. 

Her frown vanished as the door opened 


Sir Hubert 
Barnatol 
Road, 


Blake-Somerset 


and she 


aw Jerry. Once again she had 


that sudden lift of the heart at the sight 
of him. It gave her the feeling of having 
come home where she would be under- 
stood and appreciated. 


expecting m 
Jerry had been 


blow on the base 
ıt instrument. Не 
i an ellort, but was 


that affected him like 
of the skull with a bli 
VOLES S wi 


y if you like,” 
ER T RERO say things like 
that," said Jerry with a shudder. “Wel- 
come to Meadowsweet Hall. What do 
you think of 

"Cozy," said Kay, coming in 
ing about her. 
tablishment run by a couple of bachelors 
like you and Biff would have been a 
shambles, but it looks fine. Where is our 
Bill, by the way?" 

“sall asleep, I 


an es- 


agine. His doors 


zy young devil.” 
ud lucky for you he is asleep.” 
“Why so, professor?” 

"Because if he saw you before he's had 
time to calm down. he would prob- 
ably put a brother's curse оп you, and 
brothers’ curses are not to be sneczed 
He was very emotional when I told h: 
about the pictur 
"Don't you think 1 was right not to 
ie" 

“OF course you were. How much was 
that picture wortl 

“About ten thousand dollars. 
Jan you envisage Biff making the 
ds with all that in his hip pocket?” 
Iy flesh creeps. 

› does mi; 
sosh, I wish it was you and not Bill 
who had to keep out of trouble. You're 
the sober, steady type. 
“What a revolting thing to say of any- 


“Meant as a compliment. If you knew 
the dregs of the underworld Bilf has col- 
lected around him in Paris, you'd und 
stand. He's so amiable he can't 
g himself to choke off the scrubbicst 
dead beat who wants to make friends. He 
comes in and lays them on the mat with 
a cheery ‘Meet old Jules or old Gaston" 
or whoever it may be, and once they're 
in the woodwork you can't get them out. 
tly, I don't believe I know a single 
1 Paris who isn’t a freak of some 
kind, except my colleagues on the 
Hesald-Trib. And Henry, of course." She 
broke off abruptly, her eyes round and 
horrified. "Oh, heavens!" she cried. "Oh, 
my fur and whi 

“What's the matter?” 
"ve just remembered I was supposed 
to be lunching with Henry today. 

У е appi- 
ness. He had been looking forward to a 
cozy lunch. with her himself, and while 


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he knew that these disappointments are 
good for the character, strengthening it, 
he was unable to enjoy this one. He 
spoke a little coldly. 

“Well, why the agitation? You've 
plenty of time. He's in London, then?" 
in Paris, where he thinks I am. 
T didn't tell him 1 was coming here. I 
to have lunched at Prunier’s with 
him and his mother. 

“He has a mother, has һе?” 

"And how!" 

"You speak as if you didn't like her 
much." 

"I don't, and she doesn't like me.” 

"She must be crazy." 

'But what am 1 to do? How shall I ex- 
plain? 
“Oh, tell him you walked 
or got amnes 
plain at all?” 

"But he'll be furious." 

“I doubt it. Coldly annoyed, perhaps, 
but not furious. 

“Well, anyway," 


your sleep 
or something. Why ex- 


" said Kay, cheering up 
in the mercurial way habitual with her, 
“there's nothing to be done about it 
now. Let's talk about you. I was sur- 
prised to find you at home at this hour 
of the morning. The sergeant told the 
commissaire's secretary that you described 
yourself as an editor. Well, why aren't 
you editing?” 

"I've been fired.” 


s a loathsome little 

тар.” 

“Who fired you?” 
“My Lord Tilbury. 
“Гус heard about 

Linda Rome's uncle. 
"He's also the boss of the Mammoth 

Publishing Company, which owns Society 

Spice, which I edited. He didn't like the 

way I was doing it, so he dispensed with 

my services.” 

"Well, 1 hope he breaks a leg. Oh!" 

Now what?” 

“Гуе just thought what to tell Henry. 
I'll say the paper sent me over to Lon- 
don about something without warning, 
and I hadu't time to let him know. 

"It sounds thin to me,” 

“To me, too, on reflection, and I'm 
afraid itll sound thin to Henry. He'll 
be chilly. 

"Isn't he always?” 

"I don't believe you're really fond of 
Henry. Don't forget that he very kindly 
put you up for the night in his pillbox.” 

“And 1 wrote him a breac-and-butter 
letter, thanking him. A charming letter 
it was, too, considering that his hospi- 
tality nearly gave me pneumo 

‘No hot-water botue?’ 

“Hot-watcr bottles didn't enter into it. 
It was my host who chilled me to the 
marrow. The man's as cold a fish as Т 
ever encountered off a fishimonger's slab, 
and how you can contemplate marrying 
him is a mystery to me. He'll be one of 


а from Biff. He's 


wose stiff, starchy husbands, breaking 
your heart with that embassy manner of 
his. 1 shudder at the picture of your 
home life which my imagination is con- 
juring up. Il be like living in a re- 
frigerator. Henry Blake-Somerset has all 
the charm and warmth of a body that 
has been in the water several days with 
the thermometer in the low tw 

“Mr. Zoosmect, you are speaking of 
the man I love!” 

“Bah.” 

“What did you say?” 

“1 said Bah 

“Well, don’t say it again.” 

“I shall say it every time you talk 
clotted nonsense about loving that stully 
supercilious, 

“That'll n 

БЛ? 
More entertaining than Henry. 
“Will you stop picking on Henry. 
“No, I will not. Nothing shall prevent 

i ind fearlessly on the 


y sighed, “Our first quarrel! You're 
а bit bossy, aren't you, Zoosmect? 
‘Throwing your weight about somewhat, 
it seems to me. If I wasn’t so refined, Га 
toss my curls at you. Not that it isn't very 


1 of you to be so concerned about 


me. 

“You're the only thing in the world 
that matters to me, and I simply refuse 
to accept this delirious stuff about you 
marrying somebody else. You're going to 
marty me. Good Lord, can't you see tha 
we were made for each other? You 
have forgotten those days on the boat. 
We were t souls. And you babble 
about marrying Henry Blake-Somerset! 
One hardly knows whether to laugh or 
weep. But thank heaven Im in time to 
avert the disaster. I have the situation 
well in hand. Do you know what Biff 
was saying to me yesterday?” 

“Someth 


ng crazy, ГШ bet.” 


"Then it can't have been Biff, it must 
been a couple of other fellows.” 

He told me the way to cure you of 
this absurd Henry obsession of yours was 
to grab you and kiss you and keep on 
Kissing you till you got some sense into 


your fat little head. And that is precisely 
what I propose to do here and now, so 
get set," 


"Would you lay your hand upon a 
woman?" 

"You bet I would. Both hands. ГЇЇ 
show you who's a sober, steady type 
Jerry, and as he spoke there came a loud 
and insistent ringing from the front door. 

"Saved by the bell!” sa . "I've 
always heard that Heaven protected the 
working girl Who would that be, do 
you think? Lord Tilbury come to say 
he's sorry he was cross and you can 
your job again?” 


It was not Lord Tilbury. It was Biff 
He tottered into the room, his aspect so 
closely resembling that of the water- 
logged corpse to which Jerry had re- 
cently compared Henry Blake-Somerset 
that simultaneous gasps of horror pro- 
ceeded from both his sister and his 
friend. They had no words, 

Nor had Biff many. 

"Lost my key," he said. “Oh, hello, 
ay. Well, goodnight, all," he said and, 
sinking into a chair, went to sleep. 

Kay gazed dumbly at Jerry. Jerry 
ed dumbly at Kay. The same thought 
in both their minds, that this poor 
piece of human wreckage, so like a beach- 
comber in a Somerset Maugham short 
story or the hero of a modern play, must 
have been on the bender of a lifetime. 
Even Jerry, who had known him in his 
New York days when he was at his 
sprightliest and most uninhibited, was 
awed. When he spoke, it was in a hushed 


ga 


us! Are you seeing what I see?” 

"I am." 

"We'd better get him to bed." 

‘And keep him there.” 

And while you're tucking him in and. 
telling him his bedtime story, I'll be go- 
out and buying bicarbonate of soda. 
Ill probably only scratch the surface, 
but it may help.” 

Kay shrugged her shoulders. 

“Get it if you like, but he won't need 
it. Thats what's so maddening about 
Biff, he has these org! nd they don't 
do a thing to him. He wakes up as fresh 
as а daisy and starts planning new ex- 
cesses with a song on his lips. I think it 
must be something to do with the 
glands. If only he'd suffer as he deserves 
to, I'd be able to bear it, but he doesn't. 
Tr makes you feel there's no justice in the 
world, Still, toddle along on your errand 
of mercy, if you want to.” 

When Jerry returned, Biff had disap- 
peared, presumably into his bedroom, 
and Kay was sitting in the chair he had 
occupied, on her face the look which 
made Walter Pater say of another of her 
sex that this was “the head upon which 
all ‘the ends of the world are come.’” 
It wrung his heart to sce her. 

“Cheer up," he said, gently consola- 
tory. “I know how you're feeling, but 
you mustn't let it get you down. Natur- 
ally, this has given you a shock. No sis- 
ter likes to sce a loved brother looking 
as if he had been celebrating hogmanay 
in Glasgow. I wouldn't myself, if 1 were 
a sister. But things aren't as bad as they 
might have been. After all, he's back in 
the fold and not in a prison cell. Every- 
thing's all right, it seems to me.” 

"I'm glad you think so," she said. "I 
wish I could. What happens when he 


“Come now, Dr. Hubbell. All teachers, whether they 
want to admit it or not, have their favorites.” 


cuts loose again? His luck can’t hold for- 
ever.” 

“Не mustn't be allowed to cut loose 
again.” 

"How are you going to stop him? I 
wish there was some way of keeping him 

n the fold, as you put it, and never let- 
ting him go out.” 

“There is. I'll pinch his trousers." 
What! 

These simple methods are always the 
best. His pantaloons, 1'll abstract ther 
That'll stabilize him.” 

Kay was silent for а moment. 

“їз а thought,” she agreed. “But 
won't he bide his time and get hold of 
а pair of yours?” 

“I shan't be here. I shall go and plant 
myself on my Uncle John, who lives at 
Putney. He won't like it, nor shall I, but 
that can't be helped. I can stand Uncle 
John for a day or two, and he'll damned 
well have to stand me. It only requires 
resolution. Here's the setup, as I see it. 
I move out of here, you move in. I take 
Biff's garments to Putney, you go back 
to your hotel and pack. I meet you there 
and escort you to lunch 
Oxford Street,” said Jerry, naming one 
of London's smaller and less expensive 
restaurants. "And over the meal I shall 
have much to say to you on the subject 
we ware discussing just now. Any ques- 


one. You scem to have covered 
everything. 
“I think so." 


“How is Biff off for trousers?” 


“He has only two pairs. No Beau 
Brummell he. He tells me he had to skip 
out of Paris in what he stood up in and 
on arrival in London he purchased a 
spare at a secondhand-clothing establish- 
ment. You'll have no difficulty in glean- 
ing the full harvest. I think you had 
better be the one to do it. You 
more softly than I do. Can you 
into his room without waking him?” 

“I imagine nothing will wake him for 
hous. 

“Then let's get cracking. Why are you 
looking at me like that?” 

“I was just drinking you in 
ing if you were always as b 
this.” 


“I also wondered why you were grin- 
ning like a Cheshire cat.” 

“You noticed the slight smile? I was 
ng of Henry and what a jolt he's 
ig to get when he fetches up at Pru- 
niers with his mother and finds you 
aren't there. I wouldn't be surprised if 
he raised his cycbrows.” 


But all Henry Blake-Somerset's eye- 
brow raising had been done on the pre- 
vious evening, when, his mother having 
decided that she preferred Maxim's to 
Prunier’s, he had telephoned Kay at the 
Hevald-Tribune office to let her know of 
the change of venue and had been in- 
formed that she had already left for 
London. 

His eyebrows then had certainly shot 
up, and he had come as near to using 


147 


PLAYBOY 


intemperate language as a member of 
an embassy staff ever docs, for the news 
had confirmed his worst suspicions. He 
could think of but one reason why Kay 
should have left for London. She must 
have made assignation with the man 
Shoesmith. He remembered the night 
when she had come with Shoesmith to 
his apartment, the two of them patently 
on terms of camaraderie as cordial as 
those of a couple of sailors on shore 
leave. He remembered Shoesmith's thin 
story of how he and she had met by pure 
chance that evening at a police station, 
not having эсеп cach other for two years. 
He remembered Shoesmith's furtive tele- 
phone call. And he had not forgotten 
finding Shoesmith with Kay at her apart- 
ment that day when he had come to take 
her to lunch to meet his mother. 

It was, he felt, an intolerable state of 
affairs and one that called for decisive 
action on his part. He must confront her, 
and confront her without an instant’s 
delay. It was his intention, in short, to 
talk to her like a Dutch uncle. 

And so, having notified the embassy 
authorities that he would be unable to 
be with them that day owing to a severe 
attack of neuralgia, he had hastened to 
Orly after his coffee and marmalade and 
taken the first planc leaving for England. 

Like Othello, Henry Blakc-Somersct 
was perplexed in the extreme. 

Lord Tilbury, as was his habit, had 
got to his desk shortly before ten that 
morning, but he did not, as he usually 
did, proceed to concentrate steadil 
the work before him. He found lı 
unable to keep his mi He dic 
tated one or two letters to Gwendoline 
Gibbs, then dismissed her to the outer 
office and sat drumming his fingers on 
the blotting pad. He was waiting tensely 
to hear from Percy Pilbeam and learn 
what had happened to Bill on the pre- 
vious night. 

After what seemed a lifetime the tele- 
phone rang. 

“Tilbury?” 

“Lord Tilbury speaking,” said Lord 
Tilbury shortly and with perhaps undue 
emphasis on the first word. Much as 
he admired Percy's brains and lack of 
scruple, he found the air of chummy 
equality he assumed these days more 
than a litde ying. He sometimes felt 
that thc time was rapidly approaching 
when his former employee would call 
him George. “Yes, Pilbeam, yes? Have 
you news for me?" 

"It was a flop," said Percy. He did not 
believe in wasting breath by trying to 
break things gently. "Something must 
have gone wrong, and I can't understand 
it. I've got Murphy with me now, and 
he tells me Christopher was cockeyed 
when he left him, but Гус just rung 
Halsey Chambers and he answered the 


148 phone, so he must have got home all 


right. I'd have bet anything he'd have 
finished up at a police station," said 
Percy with the somber gloom of a man 
who has failed to add two thousand 
pounds to his bank account, than which 
there is none more somber, except of 
course that of the man who has failed 
to add ten millions. 

Lord Tilbury, falling as he did into 
the latter class, was shaken to the core, 
It was not for some considerable time 
after Percy, with a moody “Well, there 
it is,” had hung up the receiver that he 
achieved anything approaching calm, 
and when he did, his mind could not 
have been described as tranquil. He felt 
low and dispirited, in sore need of some- 
thing to raise him from the depths, and, 
as men in that condition so often do, 
he yearned for a woman's soothing com- 
panionship. He had not intended to go 
to the length of asking Gwendoline 
Gibbs to lunch until his courtship had 
progressed somewhat further, but he rec- 
ognized that this was an emergency. He 
rose from his chair and opened the door 
of the outer office. 

“Oh, Miss Gibbs. 

“Yes, Lord Tilbury?” 

“I was . . . er... it occurred to me 
-.. I was wondering if you would care 
to join me at luncheon?” 

Gwendoline’s beautiful face lit up, en- 
couraging him greatly, but a moment 
Tater it fell. 

“Oh, Lord Tilbury, I should love to, 
but have you forgotten that you asked 
Mr. Llewellyn to lunch tod 

If there had not been ladies present, 
Lord Tilbury would probably have done 
what old-fashioned novels used to de- 
scribe as rapping out an oath, The ap- 
tment had passed completely from 
his mind. 

"He said today is the only day he can 
manage, as he is flying to Rome tomor- 
xow. He is calling for you here at one- 
thirty, 

The day was warm, but Lord Tilbury 
found himself shivering. The thought of 
Ivor Llewellyn of the Superba-Llewellyn 
motion-picture corporation calling at 
Tilbury House and finding that his host 
had walked out on him without a word 
of explanation was a chilling one, No 
proprictor of a morning paper, an eve- 
ning paper, a Sunday paper and four 
film magazines can afford to offend the 
president of a large Hollywood studio 
with thousands of pounds of advertising 
at his disposal. And Ivor Llewellyn, he 
knew, was a touchy man. 

“Thank you, Miss Gibbs,” he said 
gratefully. “Thank you for reminding 
me. Some other time, then, ch?” 

“Oh, yes, Lord Tilbury.” 

“And how is Champion 
Burrowsdi e 

“Who?” asked Gwendoline blankly. 
She searched her mind, such as it 
“Oh, you mean Towser.” 


ilverboon of 


“Towser?” 

^] call hi 
was so lon; 

“ОГ course. Yes, quite. Very sensible.” 

Back in his office, Lord Tilbury, 
though regretting that he would share 
the midday meal with а motion-picture 
e who always bored him a good 
deal and not with the goddess of his 
dreams, was elated rather than depressed. 
He felt he had made progress with his 
wooing. He had given this girl flowers, 
chocolates and a boxer dog which he 
rather wished she had not decided to 
call Towser, and now he had invited her 
to lunch. Short of actually asking her to 
be his, there was, he considered, thing 
much more a man could have don 

He was musing thus and wishing the 
telephone would ring and that it would 
be Mr. Llewellyn informing him that 
having just slipped a disc he regretted, 
like Miss Otis, that he would be unable 
to lunch today, when the tclephone did 


Towser. The other name 


The caller, however, was not Ivor 
Llewellyn, whose discs were in midseason 
form and who in his room at the Savoy 
was at this moment taking a bath 
order to be fresh and sweet for the Til- 
bury luncheon, it was Percy Pilbeam 
ıd he seemed excited. 

“Tilbury?” 

“Lord Tilbury speaking, 

“Tve been talking to Murphy, Tilbury. 
He's just left me.” 

Lord Tilbury said "Oh?" and there 

vas a wealth of indifference in the word. 
The mysterious Murphy had ceased to 
be of value to him and he could not 
have cared less about his comings and 
goings. 

“And do you know what he said? He 
said he had been talking to an American. 
newspaper chap, and this newspaper 
chap had told him that your brother was 

s loony as a coot, Did you ever think 
of contesting the will on the ground that 
he wasn't competent to make one?” 

“Ie was naturally the first idea that 
occurred to me. I consulted my solicitor, 
but he was discouraging. He said I had 
no evidenc 

"Well, you will have when you've 
heard what Murphy's friend told Mur- 


"Yes, Pilbeam? Yes? Go on, Pilbeam.” 
“What did you say, Tilbury? Speak up. 
Don't mumble.” 
at did Murphy's friend tell him?” 


“His name's Billingsley 


nd he's on Time or Newsweek or 
one of those papers, His editor told him 
to go and interview your brother, so he 
wrote asking if he could make an ap- 
tment, and your brother wrote back 
g a day, His letter was written 
тей chalk.” 

“In what 

"Red chalk. Each word outlined in 


blue chalk. Like Hyman Kaplan.” 

"I beg your pardon?" 

"Let it go. He asked Billingsley to 
lunch, and when he got there he told 
him they were going to lunch backwar 

Once more Lord Tilbury begged his 
young friend's pardon. The statement 
had bew Idered him. 


1 experiment he had 
olten because he thought 
so many lunchers get into a rut. The 
began with coffee and cigars and worked 
back through a glass of port, chocolate 


souflé and breaded veal cutlet with po- 
tatocs and aspar finishing with 
peritifs and martini cocktails. Billings- 
ley said it was quite an experience. And 


after lunch, when he tried to interview 
the old bird — sorry, your late brother — 
all the old loony — your late brother, I 
mean — would do was play records on 
the Gramophone and tell Billingsley to 
shut up when he tried to say anything. 
He just sat there sipping his third cock- 
tail and tucking into the potted shrimps 
and playing records. He was 
fond of Dorothy Shay. He played t 
Mountain Girl song of hers sixteen times 
and was still playing it when Billingsley 


1 Lord Tilbury's 
and. He had been hopeful, but he had 
never expected anything as promis 


Pilbeam! That story 


told to a jury 


“Exactly. That's just what I'm dri 
at. And there’s something else. Over the 
breaded veal cutlets your brother began 
talking of Charles Fort and saying he 
was a disciple of his.” 

“Who is Charles Fort?” 

“Was, you mean. He's dead. I haven't 
time to tell you about him now, but you 
have reference books in your office. Look 
him up. Well, there you are, Tilbury old 
man. Go and spring your evidence on 
Christopher and watch him wilt. His 
address is Three, Halsey Chambers, Hal- 
scy Court," 

Lord Tilbury drew a deep breath. 

will go and sec him immediately,” 
he said. 


Returning from Putney after deposit- 
ing his suitcase with its prec reight 
and looking in at Hal: 
see how Bill was coming along, Jerry 
amazed by the spectacle that met his 
Kay’s prediction that her brother 
would emerge from his coma fresh as 
a daisy he had been regarding as mere 
poetic imagery, but a glance was enough 
n no way 


there was plainly nothing wrong AR 
their wandering boy. Only a very up- 
and-coming daisy could have been in 
better shape. He was wearing pajan 
and sing gown, and he gr 
Jerry with a heartiness which could not 
have been exceeded by the most con- 


firmed teetotaler. He might have been 
drinking lemonade for a lifetime, like 
Percy Pilbeam's father. 

“Hello, Jerry o man,” he cried buoy- 
andy. “I couldn't think what had be- 
come of you. Where you been?” 

“I went to Putne 

“The name new to me. Where's 
mney? 
“Itsa 


ide suburb. My uncle lives 
there. i'm ay with him for a 
few days. K ng in here. Sl 
wants 10 be on the spot to watch over 
She thinks you need a woman's 


“Inciden 
n such a s 
Couldn't be avoided. I'd been havin; 
ight out i ional spy.” 
Il, yo 
ot a bit of it. Percy Pilbeam ar- 
ranged the thing. That was what he 
called up about. Certain parties not u 
connected with Scotland Yard asked him 
to get hold of someone to go and ply 
this spy with drink in order to his 
secrets, and Percy wanted me to take on 
the job. I was about to turn down his 
offer, because I'd promised Linda to lay 
olf the sauce, but then her call came 
through and I no longer considered that 
I was bound by my promise, so I a 
cepted the commission, strongly influ- 
enced by the fact that there was a 


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PLAYBOY 


hundred and forty dollars at the current 
rate of exchange in it for me.” 

“Did he give you that black eye?” 

“Good Lord no, ours was a beautiful 
friendship throughout. 1 told him all 
about Linda's extraordinary behavior, 
and he told me all about his stamp col- 
lection. The black eye came much later, 
when I was on my way home and enter- 
ing Halsey Court. I can't tell you ex- 
actly what happened, but I do remember 
having a hell of a ht with somconc, 
a group of citizens it may have been 
Ш а bit vague. You know how it is 


Ies 
when you've been hobnobbing with 


inter 
blurred. 

At the thought of what could so casily 
have happened, Jerry's heart congealed. 

“You might have been arrested!” 

“The same thought occurred to me 
later. Very fortunate that I wasn’t. One 
feels that there is a Providence that 
watches over the good man. But we were 
talking of how I proposed to effect a 
reconciliation between Linda and self. 
T shall now go out and contact Linda,” 
said Biff, making for his bedroom 

It was perhaps three minutes later 0 
he appeared again. When he did, his 
face wore а puziled expression, He 
looked like a dachshund trying to re- 
member where it has buried its bone. 

"Mox extraordinary thing, Jerry o' 
man. I can't find my pants. 

Your pants. Oh yes, your pants. T 
forgot to tell you. I took them to Putney.” 

"You .. . what?" 

“Kay was a little worried as to what 
you might get up to И you had them, so 
І suggested removing them and she 
thought it an admirable idea, We agreed 
that we would both be much casier in 
ds if we knew you were safe and 


ional sp 


s, your memory gets 


snug at Halsey Chambers and not run- 
ning loose about London. You'll get 
them back on your birthday. Nice birth- 
day present.” 

"Rut I've got to go and see Linda!” 

“Shell still be there when you rejoin 
the human herd.” 

It was plain from Biff’s face that he 
was running what is called the gamut of 
the emotions. A stunned disbelief seemed 
for a while to predominate, but it soon 
yielded to righteous indignation. Owing 
to his overnight misadventures he hz 
only опе eye to glare with, but he made 
do the work of two. 

“And you call yourself а pal!” he said 
bitterly. 

"The best you ever had, my lad, as 
you'll realize when you think it over in 
а calm, reasonable spirit. I'm saving you 
from yourself, and if you care to look 
on me as your guardian angel, go right 
ahead. Not that I want any thanks. 

"You damned well won't get them." 
thought I mightn't. Well, I must be 
off. I'm picking Kay up and taking her 
to lunch. Any message T can give her?” 

For some moments Biff spoke force- 
fully. In spite of Jerry's assertion that 
the initiative in his foul conspiracy had 
been his, he was convinced that the 
brains behind it had been 
that Jerry had been а mere instrument 
or tool, He expressed himself on the 
subject of Kay as no brother should have 
expressed himself about a sister. 

The door closed behind Jerry, and Biff 
stood [or some moments as motionless as 
if he had been posing for an artist anx- 
ious to transfer to canvas a portrait of 
a young man of dachshund aspect clad 
in a dressing gown and disfigured by a 
black eye. A wave of self-pity poured 


over him, and it would not have taken 
much to make him break down and sob. 
It was so vii that he seek Linda out 
and talk her into a more amenable 
frame of mind before her present ani- 
mosity solidified beyond rep: 

And then there floated into his mind 
the thought of the brothers Cohen, and 
out of the night that covered him, black 
as the pit from pole to pole, there shone 
a ray of hope, like the lights of a village 
are seen after long wandering by a way- 
worn hiker, 

The brothers Cohen, as everybody 
knows, conduct their secondhand-cloth- 
ing emporium the neighborhood of 
Covent Garden, and it is their boast 
that they can at a moment's notice sup- 
ply anyone with any type of garment 
his fancy may dictate. Their establish- 
ment is a mecca for all who unexpectedly 

nd themselves cau riorially, 
whether they be African explorers down 
to their last sola доре, government 
officials in the Far East in need of new 
cummerbunds or merely dinersout re- 
quiring instant dinner jackets. ВІЙ? first 
act on reaching London alter leaving 
Paris without stopping to pack had been 
to go to them and make a few additions 
to his wardrobe, and now the memory 
of that visit ne back to him and with 
it the complacent feeling that those who 
had plotted against his person were 
going to be made to look pretty silly. 
His thoughts, as he went to the tele- 
phone and dialed the Cohen number, 
might have been condensed into the 
familiar phrase “You can't keep a good 
man down." 

The Cohen brothers were charm 


ng. 
"They booked his order with as much 
enthusiasm as if it had been the first 


they had had for months. If pants were 
what he required and if he would sup- 
ply them with his waist measurement, 
they said, pants should be at his address 
just as soon as their Mr, Scarborough 
could get there in a taxicab. And it was 
in an incredibly short time that he 
heard the bell ring and, leaping to the 
front door, found a beautifully dressed 
young man with a large parcel standin, 
on the mat. 
Mr. Christopher?" 

“That's right.” 

“My name is Scarborough.” 

“I was expecting you," said Bif 
"Come right in, Scarborough o' man, 
and if you'd care for a quick one, you'll 
find the makings in the closet over 
there.” 

“Nothing to drink for me, thank you 
very much,” he said in a voice of which 
even a B.B.C. announcer of the fat stock 
prices would not have been ashamed. 
“We at headquarters feel ourselves 
bound by the same restrictions as police- 
men when on duty. Nothing in the 
nature of definite orders, of course, 
imply an unwritten rule which we all 


obey. Sort of tradition, you know. 
are the gentleman requiri; 

Biff said he was, and might have added 
that the desire for pants of all other 
gentlemen desiring pants was tepid com- 
pared with his, 

“I have them here. Your order gave 
rise to a little indecision at headquarters, 
for you did not specify the type of pants 
you required. We have the long in flan- 
nel, the short in flannel, the long in 
linen, the short in linen and also sum- 
mer zephyrs in mesh knit. As the weather 
is so warm, it was assumed that you 
would prefer the knec-length mesh knit.” 

Biff's one eye was riveted on the con- 
tents of the parcel, and ап observer 
would have noted in it bewilderment, 
frustration and chagrin. It is disconcert- 
ing to ask for bread and be given a 
stone, and it is equally disconcerting to 
find that your plea for trousers has been 
answered with knee-length mesh-knit 
underlinen. 

"What on carth are those things?" 
he demanded. 

Mr. they were pants, 
and R uttered a snort of a liber 
which put him in the Tilbury class. 

“My God, I wish they talked English 
in land," he moaned. "When I said 
pants, I meant what you aborigines call 
trousers.” 

Mr. Scarborough was openly amused. 
The misunderstanding brought a smile 
to his lips, quickly followed by apologii 

“I will return to G.H.Q. immediately 
and the error shall be rectified. 

“Would it be too much to ask you to 
fly like a bat out of hell? Гуе a date.” 

Mr. Scarborough assured him that he 
would be back in 20 minutes, if not 
sooner, and his promise was fulfilled. 
This time there was no frustration or 
chagrin on Biff's part. He expressed his 
gratification wholeheartedly. 

“Now you're talking,” he said. “Now 
you've got the right idea. I'll take those 
and those. Oh, by the way, I shall have 
10 ask you to chalk them up on the slate 
for the time being. I'm a little short of 
ready cash.” 

Mr. Scarborough took the blow very 
well. He showed nothing but gentle sym- 
pathy as he rewrapped his parcel. He 
gave Biff то understand that he mourned 
for him in spirit, but he was quite defi- 
nite in his statement that. headquarters 
did not extend credit. Charm of manner, 
he made it dear, could never be ac- 
cepted as a substitute for coin of the 
realm. Presently he was gone, taking his 
parcel with him, and the slough of de- 
spond closed over Biff once more. He 
sank into а chair and was still sitting 
there looking and feeling as if he had 
been sandbagged, when the telephone 
E 


Scarborough sai 


‘Hello? 


he said. “Yes, sp 
Lord Tilbury? . . . Why, sure, if you 
want to... Where are you? Barribault's? 


Then you'll be able to get here quick, 
which is very desirable, because I shall 
have to be going out soon. All right, 
then, ГЇЇ be expecting you.” 

A few minutes later Bilf was scru- 
tinizing his visitor, estimating his girth 
and length of limb. The latter was satis- 
factory, the former, he felt, did not mat- 
ter, for one can always take in a reef 

necessary, 

Tilbury,” he said, “I am a desperate 
man. Give me those pants of yours.” 


‘The discovery that Biff was safely back 
in Halsey Chambers and not in the cus- 
tody of the police, indicating that all his 


subtle schemes had gone for noth 


had come as a shattering blow to Percy 
Pilbeam. It had caused the word to go 
around the Argus Agency that the boss 
n ugly mood. The stenographer 
Lana had warned the stenographer Mar- 
1епе to expect black looks and harsh 
words if summoned to the inner office 
to take dictation, and one of the firm's 
staff of skilled investigators, a Mr. Jel- 
laby, who had ventured into Percy's 
presence to make a report. had slunk out 
complaining of having had his head bit- 
ten off. It was what Spenser the office 
boy, a facile phrasemaker, described as 
a regular reign of terror. 
And then Murphy had spoken of hi 
friend Billingsley and his relations with 
the late Mr. Pyke, and Percy had r 
ized that all was not lost. It was with his 
equanimity completely restored that he 
had put in that second telephone call 
to Tilbury House. Recalling his own 
awe of Lord Tilbury in the old days, 
he convinced that Biff would never 
be able to stand up against him if sub- 
jected to the full force of his dom nt 
personality. All was well, he felt, and 
when Spenser the office boy entered to 
inform him that a gentleman was in the 
anteroom asking to see him, he greeted 
him cordially, much to the latter's relief, 
for he had been anticipating a fate sim- 
ilar to that of the recent Mr. Jellaby. 
“Gentleman named Christopher,” said 
Spenser, and Percy twirled his mustache 
in surprise. He could 
for this call. That Biff might ha 
to collect the 40 pounds due him for 
services rendered did not present itself 
as a possibility, for the promise to pay 
this sum had faded completely from 
Percy's mind. His money was always in- 
clined to be uncertain with regard to 
agreements not written, signed, witnessed 
and stamped at Somerset. House. 
When Biff was ushered in, he was 
amazed, as Jerry had been, by his air of 
well-being. Except for the somber puffi- 
ness of his right eye and the fact that 
he was wearing trousers which did not 
begin to fit him, his visitor's aspect, con- 
sidering that he had so recently b. 
session with Murphy, the human suc- 
tion pump, was positively spruce. Nor 


was his voice the voice of one who has 
been wandering over the hot sands. 

^Hi, Pilbeam o' man," he said in a 
clear bell-like tone without a trace of 
roupiness in it. "How's trick 

Percy replied that tricks were more or 
less as was to be desired, and зай 
noticed that Biff had sustained an injury 
to his eye. 

“How did that happen?” 

“Oh, just one of those things. Un- 
avoidable on a night out.” 

“I sec. By the way, Lord Tilbury was 
asking for your phone number this morn- 
ing. Did he ring you up?" 

"He not only rang me up, he paid mc 
a personal visit. He wanted to discuss 
the will of the late Edmund Bilfen Pyke. 
And while on the subject of money, Pil- 
beam o' man, I've come for mine,” 

Percy winced. He remembered now 
that there had been some talk of money, 
and he braced himself to be strong. 

“You said if I plied that international 
spy with drink, there would be forty 
pounds waiting for me at your office to- 
day. Well, today's today and here I am 
at your office. Out with the old check- 
book, Pilbeam. 

Percy winced again, as he generally did 
when called upon to produce his check- 
book. 

"There was an agreement, I remem- 
ber, yes. Did you manage to find out 
nything from that man?” 

Biff was frank and manly about it. He 
descended to по subterfuges and eva- 
sions. 

“Not a thing. I warned you I mightn't 
be able to. I did my best to draw him 
out, І worked the conversation around 
i0 Russia and said it must be most un- 
pleasant there in the winter months 
when your nose turns blue and comes 
apart in your hands. He said Yes, he 
supposed it must be very disagrecable. 
I then asked him what Khrushchev was 
really like, and he said he had not met 
him. He said he never had been in Rus- 
sia, the only time he had ever left Eng- 
d having been once on a day trip to 
Boulogne. These international spies are 
сареу. They play it close to their chests. 
He wasn't giving anything away. He 
talked about stamps most of the time.” 

"Stamps?" 

"He collects them. Just a front, of 
course.” 

"How a front?" 

“Use the loaf, Pilbeam, Naturally, if 
a guy gives it out that he collects stamps, 
he lulls suspicion. You write him olf as 
harmless loony and don't bother any 
more about him. And all the time he's 
planning his plans and plotting his 
plots. Damn clever, these international 
spies.” 

“Then what it amounts to is that you 
accomplished nothing.” 

“Not my fault.” 

“I dare say. But in the circumstances, 


he 


151 


PLAYBOY 


152 


you can hardly 
forty pounds." 
"You were thinking of making it 
fifty? 
“I'm not going to pay you a penny." 
You aren't?" 
"No. 
"But I need it!” 
“1 can't help that." 
“So Jerry was right,” said Biff, shocked. 
“He said you were a human rat and, 
ng everything, I call that flat- 


xpect me to pay you 


consider 
tering.” 

“Spenser,” said Percy, who had pressed 
a bell, "show this gentleman out.” 

Biff did not pursue the argument. All 
his better feelings urged him to give 
Percy Pilbeam the shellacking his every 
action called for, but he realized that 
this must inevitably result in arrest for 
battery. The bell, he knew, 
would scarcely have rung for the coi 
clusion of the final round of the Ch 
topher-Pilbeam bout before Percy would 
be sending out hurry calls for the police, 
nd much as he now disliked Percy and 
would have enjoyed exterminating him, 
it was not a pleasure for which he was 
prepared to sacrifice several million dol- 
Jars. Hotly as his sister Kay would have 
contested the statement, there were times 
when he could behave with prudence, 
nd this was one of them. Sceming to 
shrink within himself, which was not a 
sale thing to do while wearing trousers 
roomy as those of Lord Tilbury, he 
save Percy a cold look aud followed 
Spenser from the room, and Percy had 
started to give his attention once more 
to the matrimonial difficulties of Mrs. 
F. G. Bostock, when the telephone rang. 


5 


“Lord Tilbury speaking. T am at Num- 
г Three, Halsey Chambers.” 
Odd, felt Percy. He would have ex- 
pected him to have left there long ago. 
"Bring me trousers, Pilbeam. 
"What?" 
"T'rousei 
“Why?” 
“Never mind why,” stid Lord Tilbury, 
his voice choking a little. "Don't sit 
there asking questions, Bring me trou- 
sers." 


„ and be quick about it.” 


The idea of appealing to Percy for 
help in the delicate situation in which 
he found himself had not been the first 
of those that had occurred to Lord Til- 
bury after Bill had left him. His initial 
impulse had been to telephone Gwen- 
doline Gibbs at Tilbury 
quest her (o go to 
aving made a selection from the 
touscrings in his room on the third 
floor, to bring her choice to Halsey 
Chambers. What had caused him to re- 
ject this plan had been the thought of 
how the commission would diminish his 
stature in her eyes. 


and re- 


He thought neat of telephoning to 
his butler at Wimbledon, and about 
to do so when he remembered that he 
had no butler at Wimbledon. That un- 
fortunate outburst of peevishness which 
had caused his staff to turn in their port- 
folios had made a clean sweep of the do- 
mestic help. Like Mrs. Bingley the cook, 
Clara the parlormaid, Jane Ше house- 
maid and Erb the boy who cleaned 
the knives and boots and did odd jobs 
around the house, Willoughby the butler 
had left to seek employment elsewhere. 
He had vanished like the suows of yes- 
terycar. 

He was indeed on the point of aban- 
doning hope, when there caught his 
eye the bright cover of a recent issue of 
Society Spice which its late. editor had 
chanced one day to bring home with 
him, and he uttered a sound midway be- 
tween a gurgle and a snort, a bronchial 
rendering of Archimedes’ “Eureka!” He 
had been reminded of Percy Pilbeam. 

His blood pressure, which had risen 
dangerously, fell. His mind, which had 
been a mere maclstrom of mixed emo- 
tions, ceased to gyrate, It amazed him 
that he had not thought of this solution 
of his difficulties earlier. He could not 
reveal his predicament to Gwendoline 
Gibbs, because he valued her opinion of 
him. He could not send out distress sig- 
nals to Willoughby the butler, because 
for all pra purposes he had ceased 
to exist. But Pilbeam was still ilable, 
and for what Pilbeam might think on 
learning the facts he cared little. Pos 
sibly his former underling would be 
amused. If so, let him be amused. Lord 
Tilbury could imagine nothing of less 
consequence, 

Thirty seconds later he was at the tele- 
phone and had begun the conversation 
which has just been recorded. 

At long last the bell rang and he 
sprang to the door. It was Percy Pilbeam 
who stood without, and he was accom- 
panied by a fine dog of the boxer breed 
which endeavored as far as its leash 
would allow to leap at him and cover 
his face with burning as is the 
habit of boxers. Eluding its caresses, he 
spoke with stern approach. He was an- 
noyed, and he did not care if th 
ling of his knew 
"What a time you have been, Pil- 
beam!” he said fretfully. 

Percy seemed surprised and pained. 
got here as soon as I could, I had 
to go all the way to Valley Fields to get 
Towser 

“Towser?” 

“You said you wanted him. The dog 
you gave Gwen.” 

Lord Tilbury started violently. 

“Are you by any chance alluding to 
Miss Gibbs?” 

“OF course. Oh, I see what you mean. 
You're surprised that I call her Gwen, 
She’s my cousin 


ises, 


Tt would be 


le to pretend that thi 
did not come as a shock to Lord Tilbı 
It came as a substantial shock, all the 
more so because that very morning the 
waiter who had brought him his break. 
fast at Barribault's had confided in him 
how happy his niece Gwendoline was 
her position as his, Lord "T'ilbury's secri 
tary. And it is proof of the depth of the 
latter's passion that these discoveries, 
though cach had caused him to behave 
instant like a barefoot dancer 
advertently stepped on a tin 
tack, did not weaken it to any notice- 
able extent. He would have been the 
first to admit that he would vastly have 
erred not to become a cousin by 
marriage to Percy Pilbeam and not to 
have to go through life calling Mr- 


beam senior Uncle Willie, but if those 
unpleasantnesses were involved in the 
package deal, he was prepared to put up 


with them. He merely registered a r 
solve that when he and Gwendoline 
were in their litle nest, if you would 
call The Oaks, Wimbledon Common, 
that, both this private investigator and 
this third-floor waiter should be rigor- 
ously excluded from it. No open house 
for the Pilbeams, father and son, was 
the policy to which he proposed to cling. 
"Oh?" he said, stepping back to foil 
another affectionate leap on the part of 
Towser, né Champion Silverboon of 
Burrowsdene. “Is that so?" and added 
something about it being a small world 
“Pilbeam,” he said, returning to the 
point from what was, after all, a 

issue, “you have made an idiotic 


"Oh?" said Percy, not without stiff- 
ness. He disliked being called idiotic. 

“I want trousers — trousers!" 

“I sec you do," said Percy. 
directly 1 п that you hadn't any 
on, and I was wondering why.” 

Lord Tilbury turned purple, his habit 
nts of emotion. 
1 tell you why. That young 
scoundrel Christopher took mine froi 
me. He thrcatened to assault me unless 
I gave them to h 

“Why did he w; 
lecting trousers?” 

“He had been deprived of his own. 
He explained that to me before he left. 
In order to prevent him going out and 


I noticed 


nt them? Was he col- 


getting into trouble and forfeiting my 
brother's money, his sister took them 
away.” 


“Ingenious,” said Percy Pilbeam, who 
was a man to give credit where credit 
duc. The thought crossed his mind 
that the Christophers were a family to 
be reckoned with. “And what do you 
want me to йо?" 

Lord Tilbury clicked his tongue im- 
patiently. He would have thought it was 
obvious what he wanted Percy to do. 

I want you to go to my house on 
Wimbledon Common and bring me an- 


wi 


- You know my house on Wim- 
lon Common?” 
can find it" 
he trousers are in the wardrobe of 
my bedroom on the first floor,” 
Lord Tilbury. He went to the table on 
which Biff had been considerate enough 
10 empty the pockets of the purloincd 
garment, "Here is the frontdoor key.” 
Percy took the key and slipped it ab- 
sently into his vest pocket, His agile 
brain was busy with schemes for turning 
this situation to his financial benefit. 


“I thought you had moved to Barri- 


bault's. 
"I ha 


" said Lord Tilbury, shudder- 
ing for a moment as he recalled that 
conversation on the hotel's third floor 
with the waiter who might ere long be 
his uncle by marriage. “But most of my 
things are at Wimbledon. And if you 
think I am going to send you to Barri- 
baulv’s Hotel to ask at the desk if you 
may go up to my suite and get me a 
pair of trousers because I have been forc- 
ibly deprived of the ones I was wearing, 
you are very much mistaken. The story 
would be all over London in half an 
hour. So kindly stop talking like a fool, 
Pilbeam, and go to Wimbledon imme- 
diately.” 

“I haven't time to go to Wimbledon. 
Туе а business to attend to.” 

“Pilbeam!” said Lord Tilbury awfully. 
But Percy had thought of a way by 
which he could reap financial profit 
from the current situation. He had never 
to think for long when there was money 
in the offing. 

“Oh, come off it, Tilbury,” he said. 

he trouble with you is that you've got 
so used to pushing people around that 
you think you can do it to everyone you 
meet, and then you run up against some- 
one like me who doesn’t give а tinker’s 
course for what you say or what you 
don't say and you get what's coming to 
you. I'll be belowed if I go slogging off 
to Wimbledon, I'll tell you what I will 
do, though: as you're an old friend, ГИ 
sell you these trousers of mine. They'll 
be a tight fit, because you're what I'd 
call а stylish stout, but you'll be able to 

Wigate in them as far as Barribault's. 
What do you say to that?" 

"How much?" he said. 

“A hundred and ten pounds,” said 
Percy. 

The shock was severe, and Lord Til- 
bury had every excuse for tottering. He 
seemed to sce his former underling 
distinctly through a heavy mist, which 
of course was the best way of seeing him. 
He reeled and might have fallen, had 
he not clutched at the boxer Towser. 

"You're insine!” he gasped. 

“Not a bit of it," said Percy equably. 
“I'm doing you the trousers for ten quid 
and adding on the hundred I had to pay 
Christopher for going and drinking with 
Murphy.” 


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"m not going 
You certain] 


to pay that!” 


“A hundred pounds!” 
"Necessary expense, It’s а long story, 
I had to make 


him think he was 
а а and that was 


but 


they were gi 
"I won't pay it!" 
“Just as you say. Come on, Towser.” 

In the bricf moment before he spoke 
again, six alternative schemes for resolv- 

ng this business disagreement darted 
through Lord Tilburys mind. Each of 
them resembled the others in that they 
all had to do with somehow overpower- 

ng this mutinous ex-employee, stripping 
him of his trousers and going on his way 
triumphant, He was compelled to reject 
them all. Percy was no colossus, but 
then, no more was he. The outcome of 
а physical struggle would be dubious. If 
he had had a stout club or a hatchet, 
something constructive might have been 
complished, but he had no dub, no 
hatchet. As the editorial writers on his 
morning paper were always saying, it 
was necessary in these circumstances to 
bow with as good a grace as possible to 
the inevitable. 

“Make it fifty, Pilbeam.” 

“I'd be out of pocket.” 

“Seventy-five. 

“No, but seeing you're an old friend, 
I'll come down to the level hundred.” 

Lord Tilbury argued no further. The 
healing thought had come to him that 
if he left Percy marooned in here, he 
could call at his bank and stop what- 
ever check he might write. It was like a 
breath of cool air on his fe 

"Very well,” he said, produc 
book and fountain pen, and Percy was 
astounded by the cheerfulness of his 
tone. “There you are,” he said, and a 
minute later, a ghastly sight from the 
waist downward, he was on his way to 
the door, to the regret of Champion 
Silverboon of Burrowsdene, who ed 
his looks and had hoped for a better 
acquaintance. 


Lord Tilbury, like other men of sub- 
stance, employed the services of several 
banks, dotted here and there about the 
metropolis. The one on which he had 
writen the check he had given Percy 
was the Mayfair branch of the National 
Provincial only a short distance from 
Halsey Court, and it was thither that 
he now directed his steps — difficult steps, 
for the Pilbeam trousers were an un- 
pleasantly snug fit, sticking closer than 
a brother. There had, indeed, been a 
moment when, lacking a shochorn, he 
had almost despaired of getting into 
them, 

From the bank, the check well and 
truly stopped, he proceeded to Ban 
baul's Hotel, where he changed his 
clothes, and from Barribault's Hotel he 


154 telephoned his solicitor, commanding 


him to come immediately and lunch 
with him in the grillroom, And "іп a 
few minutes, for his offices were the 
next street, the solicitor presented him- 
self. 

London solicitors come in every size 
and shape, but they have this in com- 
mon, that with a few negligible excep- 
tions they all look like some species of 
bird. Jerry Shoesmith's Uncle John, for 
instance, the guiding spirit of Shocsmith, 
Shoesmith and Shoesmith of Lincoln's 
Inn Fields, resembled a cassowary, while 
elsewhere you would find owls, ducks, 
sparrows, parrots and an occasional ptar- 
m n. Lord Tilbury's legal advisor, a 
Mr. Bunting of Bunting, Satterthwaite 
and Miles, could have mixed without 
exciting comment in any gathering of 
vultures in the Gobi Desert, though his. 
associates would have bcen able to 
п as an impostor when mealtime 
for, unlike the generality of vul- 
tures, he had a weak digestion and had 
to be careful what he ate. Lord Tilbury, 
himself а hearty trencherman, never en- 
joyed breaking bread with him, owing 
to his habit of bringi Z e bottles 
to the table and gi i 
tion of what the dish he, Lord Tilbury, 
was consuming would do to his, Mr. 
Bunting’s, interior organs if he, Mr. 
Bunting, were ever foolish enough to 
partake of it. 

However, you 
when you are in need of a solicitor, you 
have to go to the man who knows his 
Јам, and Lord Tilbu had implicit 
faith in Mr. Bunting’s legal acumen. He 
would have preferred not to ask him to 
lunch, but time pressed, зо he issued the 


annot pick and choose 


ion, and in due course Mr. Bunt- 

ing appeared. 
Very fortunate you caught me in 
time, my dear Tilbury,” he said, "I was 


just going out for my glass of milk when 
you telephoned. I always take a glass of 
milk at this hour, sipping it slowly. Am 
I right in supposing that there is some 
quillet of the law on which you wish 
to consult me? 

Lord Tilbury said there was, and led 
the way to their table. There, declining 
an offer to snilf at the contents of Mr. 
Bunting’s medicine bottle, the mere 
smell of which, Mr. Bunting said, would 
give him some idea of what he had to 
put up with, he ordered a steak and 
fried potatoes, tut-tutted sympathetically 
when Mr, Bunting told him what would 
happen if he himself ate a fried potato, 
and got down to what his guest would 
have called the res. 

“An amusing point came up at Til- 
bury House this morning, Bunting. A 
short story was submitted to one of my 
editors in which a character, for reasons 
into which I need not go, was compelled 
by another cha 
trousers, 

Mr. Bunting sipped his milk slowly, 


and put a point. 

“You use the word ‘compelled.’ Am E 
to understand that force was employed 
‘There were threats of force.” 
‘These trousers, then, were parted 
with under duress?” 
ас 

I sce. Arc you really going to drink 
beer with that steak, Tilbury?” 

"Never mind my beer. Please listen, 

"Quite, quite. I was only thinking 
what рест would do to me.” 

“We like to get these things right 
our magazines," said Lord Tilbury, in 
terrupting his guest as he spoke of ac 
ferment. “Could he—the first m 
have the other man arrested?" 
rily arrested? 
Precisely. Go to a policeman and give 
him in charge.” 

“The spinach here,” 
i, who milk and 
quafing deeply from his medicine bottle 
had begun to pick at the vegetable, m 
tioned, “is exceptionally good. It is one 
of the few things I know I can digest. 
Asparagus, on the other hand, I regret 
to say, is sheer poison to me, while as 
for peas — 

Lord Tilbury shot him a look which, 
if it had been directed at some erring 
minor editor of Tilbury House, would 
have reduced that unfortunate to а spot 
of grease. 

“I should be obliged if vou 
listen to me, Buni 
I be; 
inly. 
I was asking you if depriving а man 
of his wousers is a felony for which an 
arrest can be made.” 

Mr. Bunting shook his head. 

“It would be a matter for a ci 
action. 
“You're sure of that? 
“Quite sure. The case would be on 
1 fours with that of Schwed versus 
Meredith, L.R. 3 H.E. 330, though there 
the casus belli was an overcoat. Schwed 
sued before the magistrate of South 
Hammersmith sitting in petty court and 
was awarded damage 

Lord Tilbury choked on his steak. 
The disappointment had been severe. 
He had been so confident that his wor- 

ics were over, his problems solved. He 
fell into a gloomy silence, from which 
he was jerked а moment later by а sud. 
den ejaculation from his guest. 

“See that fellow over there? Sce what 
he's eating? Hungarian goulash. Do you 
know what would be the effect on шу 
bile ducts if I ate Hungarian 

For quite a while Mr. Bu spoke 
clearly and well on the subject of his 
bile ducts, but Lord Tilbury was not lı 
tening. His interest in his companion's 
interior was tepid, 
him it must be said that the revelations 
the solicitor was making were not of a 
kind to rivet the attention of any but 


said Mr. Buni 


would 


. Certainly, cer- 


nd in ness to 


a medical man. But he would in any case 
have been distraught, for a sudden idea 
had sprung into his mind and he was 
occupied in turning it over and exam- 
ining it. 

Bunting,” he said. 

"Eh?" said Mr. Bunting, breaking off 
in the middle of a description of what 
he had once suffered in his hot youth 
when he, too, had caten Hungarian 
goulash. 

“You remember I consulted you in 
the matter of contesting my late brother's 
will, 

Quite. I was of opinion that you had 
no evidence.” 

^] think I have some now. If I invited 
you to lunch and insisted on our lunch- 

g backward, what would you say?" 

“Lunchi backward?" 

“Exactly. 

“I don't understand you." 

“I's very simple, We would begin with 
coffee and cigars —" 

"I never smoke cigars, only a type of 
health cigarette from which the nicotine 
has been extracted. They come, 1 be- 
lieve, from Bulgaria and are aromatic 
and not only harmless but actively help- 
ful in curing bronchial asthmas, duo- 
denal ulcer, high blood pressure and — 

"Will you kindly listen!” boomed 
Lord Tilbury. “I am speaking of this 
practice of my brother of lunching back- 

d. I consider it strong proof of men- 
tal instability." 

“Your brother used to do that?” 

“I can bring witnesses to testify to it,” 
said Lord Tilbur 

Speaking in measured tones, he told 
the story of Billingsley of Time or pos- 
sibly Newsweek 
the house of the late Edmund Biffen 
Pyke. It took some time, for at the men- 
tion of almost every item on the menu 
Mr. Bunting interrupted to gi 
picture of what would occur 
ate or drank shat. But in due course 
tal came to an end, and he put 
al question. 

"What would you think if I suggested 
a lunch like that to you?” 

“I should be extremely surprised.” 

“Would you accept it as proof of in- 
sanity? If I died. would you, taking that 
lunch into consideration, feel that there 
were grounds for contesting my will?” 

Mr. Bunting, who had finished his 
spinach and was now drinking hot 
water, demurred. 

“My dear Tilbury, I hardly think I 
would be prepared to go as far as that. 
1 doubt if such an action would stand 
up in court. A good counsel would argue 
— and I think successfully — that these 
were merely а whimsical man's amiable 
backward he 
would dismiss as an amusing pleasantry, 
and I think he would have the jury 
with him." 

“I'm sure there must have been cases 


where wills were contested on less evi- 
dence and won by the plaintiff.” 

"On the motion-picture screen, per- 
haps. Seldom, I imagine, in real life. 
What's the matter, Tilbury?” 

He might well ask. There had pro- 
ceeded from Lord Tilbury's lips a sort of 
gasping cry. It had been caused by those 
words “motion-picture screen." They had 
acted on him like the stick of dynamite 
his employees had so often wished they 
could touch off under him. He had re- 
membered Mr. Llewellyn. So much had 
been happening to him of late that all 
thoughts of that sensitive Hollywood 
magnate had passed from his mind. 

He sat for an instant congealed, then 
rose from his chair like a rocketing 
pheasant. Although he was a man built 
for endurance rather than speed, few 
athletes specializing in the shorter dis- 
tances could have been out of the grill- 
room and at the telephone more quickly. 
g. gazing after him and re- 
the dangerously unwhole- 
some lunch he had made, supposed him 
to be in quest of a doctor and hoped he 
would not be too late. 

Ir was with trembling fingers that 


“Pu-lease 


Lord Tilbury dialed the number of Til- 
bury House. 

“Miss Gibbs!" 

“Yes, Lord Tilbury?” 

“Did Mr. Llewellyn call for me?" 

“Oh Lord Tilbury,” said Gwen- 
doline brightly. "He was very punctual." 
A sound like the bubb! ng cry of some 
strong swimmer in his agony escaped 
Lord Tilbury. He was picturing a deeply 
offended Llewellyn haughtily withdraw 
ing pounds and pounds and pounds 
worth of advertising from the Tilbury 
papers. 

"You did not think of . . . think up 

- happen to hit on an explanation of 
my absence?" 

“Oh yes, Lord Tilbury, I told Mr. 
Llewellyn you had suddenly been taken 
ill and were in bed at your house at 
Wimbledon. 

Relief not make Lord Tilbury 
faint, but it came very near to doing so. 
He was conscious of a tidal wave of 
love and admiration for this pearl 
among girls, whose blonde beauty was 
equaled only by her ready resource. In 
every office at Tilbury House he had 
caused to be hung on the wall the legend 
THINK ON YOUR ; and it looked to 


Mr. Moore! Let your fingers do 


their walking someplace else!” 


185 


PLAYBOY 


him as if Gwendoline Gibbs must have 
been studying them for months. 

“Thank you, Miss Gibbs, thank you.” 

“Not at all, Lord Tilbury.” 

“So he went away quite happy?” 

“Oh yes, Lord Tilbury. He was very 
sorry to hear you weren't well. He said 
he would be coming to Wimbledon as 
soon he had had lunch to see how 
you were.” 

"What!" 

“That's what he said. 

“Oh, my God!” 

"So, don't you think you had better 
go there and be in bed when he arrives?” 

Once more that tidal wave of love 
and admiration poured over Lord Til- 
bury. This girl, even though she might 
have an uncle who was a waiter and a 
cousin who shook one’s belief in the 
theory that man was nature's last word, 
Was fit to be the mate of the highest in 
the land, which he considered a reason- 
ably good description of himself. 

“OL course, of course. The only thing 
to do, Order the car and tell Watson to 
bung it to Darribaul''s without an in- 
stant’s delay.” 

Very good, Lord Tilbury. Have you 


“What key? Oh, the frontdoor key? 
Yes, ves, of course 1 have it. No, by Jove, 
said Lord Tilbury, remember- 
moment—how long ago it 
1 given it to Percy 
“Bur there should be a spare 


the 


ing 
seemed — when he 
Pilbeam. 
one in the drawer of my desk. Would 


you go and look? 

“Certainly, Lord Tilbury. Yes," said 
Gwendoline, returning, "it was in the 
drawer. Shall I give it to Watson?” 
"Do, Miss Gibbs, do. And thank you. 
for being such a help. 

Lord Tilbury left the telephone booth 
thinking loving thoughts of Gwendoline 
Gibbs and hard ones of Ivor Llewellyn, 
whose persistence in seeking him out he 
considered tactless and officious. It was 
only as he was returning to his table 

1 the grillroom that a shattering thought 
occurred to him. Who was going to 
admit Mr. Llewellyn to his sickbed when 
the motion-picture magnate arrived at 
the front door of The Oaks, Wimbledon 
Common? 

For a moment the problem baffled 
him. He could not entrust this important 
assignment to Watson the chauffeur. 
Watson, like so many chauffeurs, sullered 
from slow mental processes and would 
be sure, when asked how his employer 
was, to reply that he had never been 
more solidly in the pink 
nd then his eye fell on his legal 
advisor, who was still sipping the glass 
of hot water, so excellent for the diges- 
tive system, with which he always con- 
cluded a meal. An aromatic cigarette 
between his lips showed that he had 
ned himself well inst bronchial 


а 


A 


156 asthmas, duodenal ulcers and high blood 


pressure. 

“Bunting!” he cried, inspired. 

“Ah, Tilbury. What did the doctor 
say?” asked Mr. Bunting, all sympathy. 
"ve got to go to bed. 

“I thought as much, That steak. That 
beer. Those fried potatoes. Give me 
arm, and I'll help you to your 


“Not here. At my house at Wimble- 
don. ТЇЇ explain on the way there.” 

"You want me to come with you? 

“Your presence is vital. 1 am supposed 
to be sick in bed there and 1 am ex- 
pecting a very important advertiser to 
call in the course of the afternoon. 1 
had a luncheon appointment with him 
today, and I forgot all about it. When 


he arrived at Tilbury House, my secre 


tary with great presence of mind told 
him I had been suddenly taken ill and 
had had to be removed to Wimbledon, 
and he said he would be looking in 
there to see how I was. You understand 
my predicament?” 

“Perfectly, my dear Tilbury. Are you 
sure this man will be calling at your 
house?” 

“He told my secretary he would. He 
must find me in bed.” 

‘Quite, But why is my presence vital?” 
jomebody has to let him in. You 
must pose as the butler.” 

Mr. Bunting uttered a senile chuckle. 

“I see what you mean. Of course ГЇ 
do it. You quite restore my youth, my 
dear Tilbury. As a young man I fre 
quently appeared in amateur theatricals 
and. oddly enough, nearly al 
butler, Got some good notices, too. ‘As 
Jorkins the butler, Cyril Bunting wa 
adequate; I remember the Petersfield 
Sentinel said on one occasion. Yes, you 
get to bed, Tilbury, and leave everything 
to me, confident that your alfairs arc 
good hands.” 


A private investigator who takes his 
work with a proper seriousness, as Percy 
Pilbeam had always done, learns to ac 
custom himself to long periods of wait- 
g and inaction. In the early days of 
the Argus Agency, before a growing 
prosperity had enabled him to employ 
skilled assistants like Mr. Jellaby and 
others, Percy had often stood for hours 
outside restaurants in the rain, waiting 
for some guilty couple to emerge and 
be followed to the love nest. The с 
perience had given him several nasty 
colds in the head, but it had taught 
him patience, and it wı a composed 
frame of mind that he settled down to 
his vigil after Lord Tilbury had left 
him. Sooner or later, he presumed, 
somebody would be coming along to ease 
the strain of the situation, and until 
that happened there was nothing to be 
done bur sit and relax. He took a chair 
and picked up the copy of Society Spice 
that had attracted Lord Tilbury's notice, 


shaking his head over the way the dear 
old paper had deteriorated since he had 
resigned the editorship. Dull, he felt. 
No zip, no ginger. In his time the word 
spice had meant something, Now it was 
a misnomer. If pieces like the one on 


page four about London's private gam- 
bling clubs were what modern readers 
considered spicy, he was sorry for them. 


The boxer had len asleep, and the 
contents of Society Spice nearly made 
Percy follow his example. 

What kept him from doing so was the 
uncomfortable fecling that there was a 
thought fluttering about the outskirts 
of his mind like a dove sccking entry into 
а dovecot, and he could not pin it down 

It made him vaguely uneasy. He had 
the fecling that if this thought took 
shape and form, he would learn of some- 
thing to his disadvantage. And then 
quite suddenly he got it. It was the 
recollection that in the way his former 
employer had perked up as he started 
to write that check there had been a 
suggestion of the sinister and disturbing. 
His manner had not been in character. 
Percy knew his Tilbury. However much 
the first baron enjoyed writing the name 
that reminded him that he had acquired 
a title, he never enjoyed w 
the bottom of a check for a hundred 
pounds. Yet on this occasion he had 
been cheerful, even chirpy. Instead of 
lingering over the task as if his e 
move distressed him, he had fairly 
dashed the thing off. His nib had flow: 
over the paper. 

There was, Percy was convinced, some- 
thing fishy afoot, and abruptly he real- 
ized what it was. He had never made a 
study of extrasensory perception, but he 
could tell what ha n passing in Lord 
Tilbury's m rly as if the latter 
had drawn a diagram for him. The old 
bounder was planning to stop that check, 
and here he, Percy, was, stuck in this 
flat and powerless to prevent i 
only hope was t 
crook would have lunch before he went 
to the bank, feeling that with his payce 
confined to the premises of Number 
Three, Halsey Chambers, there was no 
need to hurry. That would give him 
time to reach the bank in advance of 
Tilbury, always assuming that he could 
secure trousers in which to make the 
journe: 


But it was, he felt, a frail, sickly hope, 
and he uttered an expletive which dis- 
turbed the boxer's slumber and caused 
him to raise an inquiring hi 
viously, 


а. Ob- 
n order to prevent Biff from 
leaving the flat, the female Christopher 
and her associate must have removed 
everything in the shape of trousers or 
their scheme would have been null and 
void. And it was not likely that either 
of them would return to the flat before 
they had had lunch. Percy slumped back 
in his chair, a broken man, and he was 


st himself in 


tying once more to inte 
ла 


Society Spice, when an imperious 
pressed the front doorbell. He caught 
up the boxers lead and went to the 
door. A slim, elegant young man was 
standing on the threshold. 

ood morning,” said this slim, ele- 
gant young man, speaking in a clipped, 
chilly yoice which would haye told Percy, 
if he had been better acquainted with 
the personnel of embassies, that he was 
in the presence of a rising young diplo- 
mat with a future ahead of him in the 
diplomatic world. The thing about him 
that attracted Percy's attention was that 
he was wearing trousers, and his eyes 
gleamed covetously. He stared at these 
trousers. Travelers in India had gared 
at the Taj Mahal with a less fascinated 
ntcnsity. 

There was nothing in Henry Blake- 
Somerset’s manner, as he stood in the 
doorway, to indicate that he was seething 
with righteous indignation and resent 
ment, for the first thing the authorities 
teach young diplomats is to look like 
stuffed frogs on all occasi in order to 
deceive foreigners. But he was so seeth- 
g. He burned with a smoldering fury. 
His mother, when he had told her of 
Kay's sudden departure for London. had 
been insistent that he take a firm line 
and have nothing more to do with a 
girl of whom she had disapproved at 
first sight and who could only be a 
hindrance to his career, but he was not 
at the moment prepared to go to quite 
this length. Love, or rather the tepid 
preference he felt for Kay, still animated 
the bosom beneath his well-cut waist- 
coat, and he proposed merely to give 
her a good talking-to, showing her the 
error of her ways and strongly advising 
her to mend them. The scene he had in 
mind was to have been along the general 
lines of the interview between King 
Arthur and Guinevere at the monastery. 

It for the snake Shoesmith, the 
serpent who came breaking up homes 
before they even existed, that the light- 
ning of his wrath was reserved. He in- 
tended to speak plainly to the man 
Shoesmith the moment the door opened. 
The spectacle, accordingly, of Percy Pil- 
beam, richly pimpled and wearing no 
trousers, had a disconcerting effect. H 
training would not allow him to gape, 
but he raised an eyebrow. 

He was, however, soon himself again. 
You can startle a diplomat, but you 
cannot put him out of action. 

"Is Mr. Shoesmith he asked, and. 
his voice remained as controlled as ever. 
Nobody could have guessed how soiled 
it made him feel to be compelled to 
utter the name. 

Percy Pilbeam did not reply. His gaze 
was still riveted on the trousers. He 
seemed to be in a sort of trance. 

“This is the address from which he 
wrote to me,” said Henry, his voice be- 


coming bleaker. He was feeling that 
Percy was just the sort of friend he 
would have expected Shoesmith to have, 
but that did not mean that he had to 
put up with the impersonation he was 
giving of a deaf-mute. "He lives here, 
does he not?” 

Percy came to himself with a start. 

"Eh? Oh yes, he lives here, but he's 
out at the moment. Won't you come in? 
He ought to be back soon. 

Henry came in, eying Towser nerv- 
ously as he did so. “Does he bite?” he 
asked apprehensively. 

Percy seized on the question like an 
actor taking a cue. His agile mind had 
seen the way. 

“Like a serpent" he said. “Always 
savage in captivity, these boxers. 

"I hope you have a tight hold oi 

"For the moment, yes, Percy. 
“And it's just possible that I may be 


able to control him. It all depends on 


whether you give me your trouser: 

At this, Henry raised both ey: 
It was a thing he did not often do, one 
gencral 
had stru 
justified in 
treatment. 

“I beg your pardon?" 

“I want those trousers. I've got to 
get out of here and get out quick. 
‘There's a man on his way to the | 
to stop a check he’s given me, and if 
І don't get there ahead of him, I'll lose 
a hundred pounds. Put it thi 
need trousers and you don't, at | 
the moment. You came here to see Shoe- 
smith, and you can sec him just as well 
without your trousers on. I'll stop in at 
a shop after I've been to the bank and 
buy you another pair and send them 
round. Think on your feet,” said Percy 
remembering the slogan which had hun: 
on his office wall in the days when he 
had been the editor of Society Spice. 

Henry thought on his feet. He had 
seldom thought more rapidly. But though 
he accepted the situation, he made no 
pretense of liking 

“I will give you th 

“That's 


being enough, but these words 
k him as so bizarre that he felt 


ing the speaker the full 


trousers ——” 
the way to talk.” 

“— But under protest.” 

‘That's all right. Give me them under 
anything you like,” said Percy Pilbeam 
spaciously, and a few minutes later was 
gone on winged feet, the dog Towser 
gamboling beside him, They made a 
cheery pair. 

But though the dumb chum's che 
ness continued undiminished, that of 
Percy expired with a gurgle shortly after 
he had entered the premises of the May- 
fair branch of the National Provincial 
Bank. His jaw and spirits sank simul- 
tancously when the official behind the 
counter informed him that the check 
which he was presenting had been 
stopped on instructions from drawer. 
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firmly to remove that dog. 

Percy removed the dog. He took 
‘Towser to the office of the Argus Agency, 
deposited him there in the care of Lana 
and Marlene, the stenographers, curtly 
ordered Spenser the office boy to go out 
and buy a pair of trousers and take 
them to the gentleman at Three, Halsey 
Chambers, and then, seating himself at 
his desk, dialed the number of Tilbury 


His cousin Gwendoline answered the 
telephone. 

“Gwen? Percy.” 

“Oh, hullo, Perce.” 

“Put me through to Tilbury.” 

“He isn't here.” 

“Where is he? 

"He's gone to Wimbledon. Shall I 
tell him you were asking for him? 

"No," said Percy, and his voice was 
full of menace, the voice of a man who 
intends to have a showdown and stand 
no nonsense. “I'll sce him at Wimble- 
don.” 


It was in black mood that Henry 
BlakeSomerset now began to pace the 
floor, what there was of it, walking with 
a fevered restlessness. Except that such 
an animal would not have becn wearing 
what to Mr. Scarborough of Cohen 
Brothers — though not to Biff — were 
pants, there was a distinct resemblance 
between him and a caged tiger. 

He had been moving to and fro for 
„ still in a frame of mind of 
which a philosopher would have disap- 
proved, when he chanced to look out 
of the window, and what he saw made 
him catch his breath in sharply. A taxi 
cab had drawn up at the entrance to 
Halsey Chambers and from were 
alighting the man Shoesmith and Kay. 

The sight appalled him. It was only 
too plain that in another minute or so 
he would have them with him, and 
though he had come to London with 
the express purpose of speaking his mind 
to both of them, he shrank from doing 
it in knee-length undcrlinen. The one 
thing the mind speaker needs, if he 


hopes to impress himself on his audience, 


is to be decently clad from the waist 
downward. Опе or two of the old Greck 
and Roman orators may have got by 
in tunics, but it cannot have been easy. 
The British diplomatic service trains 
s personnel well. It teaches them to 
think quickly in an emergency. Where 
another man in his place would have 
stood baffled, Henry acted. There was a 
door to his right, presumably that of a 
bedroom, and he was through it before 
one could have said "Agonizing reap- 
praisal.” It swung open an inch or two, 
but he did not risk closing it, for already 
key had sounded in lock and there were 
footsteps in the room he had left. 
There was also silence, and this sur- 


158 prised him somewhat, for his experience 


with these two had been that when they 
got together they were always full of 


conversation —in his opinion, far too 
full. He had no means of knowing that 
all through lunch at Previtali’s, Oxford 
Strect, the home wrecker Shoesmith had 
been pleading with Kay to many hi 
and that she had told him she was gi 
the matter thought. A girl who is think- 
ing docs not prattle. 

It was the home wrecker who was 
the first to speak. 

“Biff seems to be in his room.” 

“The best place for him.” 

“Getting a little sleep. 

“He's certainly earned it.” 

“Shall I have a look?" 

“No, you might wake him 

Silence again, broken at length by 
the wrecker of homes. 

"Well? 


“Yes?” 
“Have you made up your mind?! 


atisfactory so far. Carry on from 
there. 
It is always u 


pleasant for a man to 
tive stranger 
we to his fiancée, and 
¢ Henry did not enjoy 
the performance. When he had proposed 
to Kay, it had been in a restrained, dig- 
nified manner in keeping with the 
ns of the British Foreign Office, 
Shoesmith was being loud and 
incoherent and raucous. A torrent of 
words proceeded. from him, and worse 
was to follow, for suddenly he ceased to 
speak and there came to Henry's ears 
а curious shuffling sound as if a wrestling 
bout were in progress, causing him first 
to start, then to quiver in every limb. 
He tried not to believe his cars, but 
unsuccessfully. If this man Shoesmith 
was not embracing Kay, kissing 


have to listen to à compara 


propo: 
even a 


behaving to Kay in a quite unsui 


manner, he told himself, he, Henry, 
would be very much surprised. 

His diagnosis was correct. When Kay 
spoke again, it was with the breathless- 
ness of a girl who has been subjected 
to the type of wooing recommended by 
that recognized expert, her brother Ed- 
mund Bi 


she 

It was, in Henry's opinion, the wrong 
thing to say, and he did not like the 
tone in which she said it. There was, to. 
his mind, a most uncalled-for suggestion 
of happiness in the exclamation. It was 
the "Wow!" of a girl whose dreams have 
come true and who has found the pot 
of gold at the end of the rainbow. In- 
credible though it might seem, it was 
plain to him that Kay, far from being 
shocked, horrified and outraged, had 
been a willing participant in what, from 
where he stood, had sounded like a 
Babylonian orgy of the worst type, the 


sort of thing that got King Belshazzar 
ked about. 

You can let me go now,” she said. 
ou've made your point." 

The conversational exchanges that fol- 
lowed would undoubtedly have nause- 
ated Henry, had he been following them. 
But he was not giving them his attention. 
His thoughts were elsewhere. He was 
remembering what his mother had said. 
She had warned him against this girl, 
telling him that it was not too late to 
extricate himself from a most undesir- 
able entanglement. And though he had 
protested that she was quite mistaken 
in her estimate and that a natural 
nervousness had prevented her from sec- 
ing Kay at her best, she had left him 
half persuaded. He saw now how right 
her woman's intuition had been, and he 
was consc 
relief. He felt he had had an escape. He 
was a man who liked an orderly exist. 
ence, and. Kay. whatever her superficia 
charms, was manifestly a. girl who pre- 
ferred her existences disorderly. He may 
also have had the thought that now he 
would not have to have Edmund Biffen 
Christopher as a brother-in-law 

In the other room conversation was 
still proceeding. The man Shocsmith, 
after a series of incoherent observations, 
had become momentarily silent, as if 
exhausted by his emotions, and it was 
Kay who spoke 

“1 suppose you know we're both crazy.” 

"t follow you. 
into it like this. You don't 
know a thing about me, and I don't 
know a thing about you." 

“My life's an open book. Left an 
orphan at an early age. Sent by my 
Uncle John in his capacity of guardian 
to Marlborough and Cambridge. Came 
down from Cambridge and messed about 
in Fleet Street for a while. Got that New 
York correspondent job. Was fired. Be- 
came a Tilbury Housc wage slave and 
was fired again. Of course, | know what's 
in your mind. It will have struck you 
that every time we meet I’ve just lost 
my job, and this will have led you to 
feel that I'm a dubious propositio 
breadwinnerwise. But conditions will be 
very different from now on. ВИРУ goi 
to buy the Thursday Review and put 
me in as editor, and that’s a job I can 
hardly fail to hold down. I'm not likely 
to fire myself. If at first 1 make a mistak 
or two, I shall be very lenient and 
nding.” 
as looking thoughtful. 

"I wish our future didn't depend so 
on Biff. It makes me uneasy. 

Jerry begged her to correct this pessi- 
mistic streak of hers. The future, in his 
opinion, was ros 
Biff can't get into trouble now, There 
are only a few more days to go.” 

"He can do a lot in a few days. 

"Not if he docsn't stir from the 


flat, 


and he can't stir from the flat." 
Yes, that’s true,” 

"Don't have a moments concern 
about Biff. And talking of Biff, I think 
we ought to let him know about us.” 

"But he's asleep. 

"He won't be for long." 

It had been Jerry's intention, when 
he flung open the door of his future 
relative's bedroom, to rouse him from 
his slumbers with a cheery shout, but 
this shout was never uttered. What ac 
tually emerged from his lips was а gur- 
gling sound like that made by bath water 
going down a waste pipe. 

"He's gone!” 

“He can’t have gon 

“Well, look for yourself.” 

“But how can he have gone? 

It was a question Jerry found himself 
unable to answer. He had read of Indian 


irs who had acquired the kr 
g themselves and 


disembody 
bling the parts at some distant spot, but 
he could not bring himself to credit 
ВИР with this very specialized a 
The only solution seemed to be th 
he had gone out in the demitoilet in 
which Jerry had left him, and the 
thought froze the latter's blood. It was, 
consequently, a relief when Kay put 
forward another theory. 

You must have overlooked a spare 
he'd hidden somewhere.” 

"Of course. You're perfectly right. I 
thought I saw a crafty look in his eye 
as I went out, as if he had an ace up 
his sleeve.” 

"But where can he have gone?” 

Illumination came to Terry. 

“I know! He was telling me that he 
had to get out of here so that he could 
£o and see Linda Rome and heal what 
he called the breach. 

"Had he quarreled with Linda?" 

"She had quarreled with him. App: 
ently she saw him having a téteà-téte 
lunch with Tilbury's secretary.” 

“A blonde? 

“Very much so.” 

ay sighed. 

“He's suffered from blonditis all his 
life. But I did hope he was cured." 

He is. This was just a farewell meet- 
ing, designed not to hurt the girl's feel 
ings. He was anxious to go and explain 
that to Linda Rome.” 

ish you had let 


п. He couldn't. 


get trouble if he was with 
Linda. She's a sobering influence. I've 
known Biff to become only half crazy 


when under her spell." 

he sounds like a nice gi 
he's very піс 
hypnotized. If she tells him not to make 
а chump of himself, he doesn't make а 
chump of himself, though you'd hardly 
believe such a thing possible. ГЇЇ go and 
ask her if she's seen him. The place 
where she works is only a block or two 
away." 


"Mr. and M 


s. Forbes, meet Mr. and Mrs. Stark. Now, 


since the only grounds for divorce 


in this state is adultery . . . 


“Be careful crossing the street.” 
will.” 

“Don't get talking to strange men or 
letting strange women give you cand 

“I won't." 

“Watch out for simooms, earthquakes 
and other acts of God, and hurry back 
as quick as you can, because every second 
you're not with me is like an hour. I 
love you. I love you, I love you, I love 
you,” said Jerry, putting it in a nutshell. 
“Haye you ever been struck by a thun- 
аеро” 

‘Not that І remember. Have you 

“Oddly enough, no. But every time 
you look at me with those eyes of yours, 
I feel if I'd caught one squ: 
the solar plexus. They're like twin stars. 
“Well, that’s fine.” 
like it,” said Jerry. 

Nauseating, felt Henry Blake-Somerset, 
nauseating. He stared bleakly at the 
wallpaper and began to rub his legs. 
wrath remained hot. but his legs 
were cool and beginning to get chilly. 


It seemed to Jerry, as he sat awaiting 
Kay's return, that а most unusual num- 
ber of violets and daffodils were sprout 
ing through the carpet and that the air 
had become unexpectedly full of soft 
music, played. if his ears did not deceive 
him, by those harps and sackbuts of 
which ВИЕ had spoken in his conversa- 
tion with the elder Pilbeam. He had 
been happy before in his life, but he 
had never touched such heights of ec- 
stasy as now. This, he supposed, was 


more or less what heaven would be like, 
though even heaven would have to ex- 
tend itself in order to compete. 

The only thing that marred his feeling 
of well-being was Kay's absence. She had 
been gone now, he estimated, about 
hours and he yearned to sec her aj 
When the bell rang, he leaped to the 
front door with a lissome bound. only 
to have the words of joyous welcome 
wiped from his lips by the sight of a 
small boy in a bowler hat, and not a 
particularly attractive small boy, at th 
Spenser of the Argus Inquiry Agenc 
though of polished manners, was no oil 
g. He had a snub nose, and he 
heavily spectacled. Jerry, encounter- 
ing his gogvle-eved gaze, had the illusion 
that he was being inspected through the 
glass of an aquarium by some rare fish. 

“Good afternoon,” said Spenser. 
you the gentlemai 

This perplexed Jerry. 

Eh?" he said. "What gentleman?" 
The gentleman I've brought the 
trousers for.” Blushing a little at having 
ended a sentence with a preposition, 
Spenser corrected himself. "The gentle- 
man for whom I have brought the 
trousers.” 
My name's Shoesmith."" 
Mine is Spenser. Lionel Spenser. 
Pleased to meet you, Mr. Shoesmith.” 
“І mean, are they for me?” 
“That I could not say, sir. I was 


Ате 


merely instructed by Mr, Pilbeam to buy 
trousers and bring them to this address.” 
“Mr. 


159 


PLAYBOY 


160 


“Yes, sir. I am in his employment. 
‘And he told you to bring me 
trousers?” 

“He did not specify the recipient. ‘Buy 
trousers and take them to Three, Halsey 
Chambers,” were his exact words. 

Jerry dutched his forehead. If asked, 
he would have admitted frankly that 
the intellectual pressure of the conver- 
ation had become too much for him. 
‘ou're sure there's no mistake?” 
"Quite sure, sir. Mr. Pilbeam’s in- 
structions were most explicit.” 

“All right. Put them on the 

“Very good, 

“And here, 
half crown. 

"Coo!" said Lionel Spenser, suddenly 
becoming human. “Thanks a million." 

“No, on second thoughts,” said Jerry, 
"better take them back to the shop and 
get your money refunded.” 

Nestling in his bedroom retreat, Henry 
Blake-Somerset had listened to these ex- 
changes with a growing impatience, 
cager to lay his hands on the manna 
in the wilderness which had descended 
so unexpectedly from the skies and re- 
sentful of all this chitchat in the door- 
way which was postponing his hour of 
release. He had not intended to make 
his presence known until Lionel Spenser 
had gone on hi ‚ for he knew that 
small boys, seeing a man in knee-length 
mesh-knit underwear, were apt to mock 

nd scoff, but when he heard Jerry make 
this appalling suggestion, he realized 
that there was no time for delay. Even 
at the expense of amusing Lionel, he 
must issue a statement. 

“Those trousers are for me," he said. 

There are few things that offer а 
greater test to the nervous system than 
a disembodied voice spe 


table.” 


said Jerry, producing a 


nmediate vicinity, and both Jerry and 
ped sev 


Lionel Spenser lea ral inches 
from the ground, each suffering a passing 
illusion that the top of his head had 
broken loose from its moorings. There 
was bewilderment in Jerry's eves as they 
met Lioncl's and an equal bewilderment 
in Lionel’s as they met Jerry's. 

"Did you hear something?" said. Jerry 
in a whisper. 

"Somebody spoke," 
voice hushed. 

“I spoke,” said Henry Blake-Somerset, 
emerging from the bedroom with a cold 
y which almost compensated. for 
the peculiarity of his appearance. He 


his 


1 Lionel, 


took up the parcel, gave am a long, 


Jerry agreed that 
mot juste. 
By the time Henry returned, 


fully 
d and looking, as the song has it, 
like a specimen of the dressy men you 


la 


meet up west, Jerry had managed to 
rid himself of his initial impression that 
what he had seen had been the Blake 


Somerset astral body, but this had not 
brought ease of mind. What was exer- 
cising him now was the problem of 
finding the right thing to say. It is al- 
ways difficult to strike just the correct 
conversational note when meeting a man 
to whose fiancée you have recently be- 
come betrothed. A cer géne is in- 
evitable. 

Fortunately, Henry appeared not to 
be in the v for small talk. In silence 
he passed through the room, in silence 
he opened the front door. There, turn- 
ing, he gave Jerry another look which 
would have lowered the temperature 
even on the Yukon, and was gone. 

Tt was perhaps five minutes later that 
the front doorbell in. 

The visitor this time was а pleasant- 
faced, capable-looking girl in her late 
20s. Jerry liked her at sigi 

“Good afternoon,” she said. “Are you 
Mr. Shoesmith?" 

After the emotional upheaval caused 
by his dealings with Lionel Spenser and 
Henry Blake-Somerset, Jerry might have 
been excused for not feeling quite sure, 
but after a moment's thought he was able 
to reply that he was. 

“I hope I'm not interrupting you 
when you're busy, but 1 wanted to sce 
bour Biff.” 
ightenment came to Jerry. 

“Are you Mrs. Rome?” 

“Not at the moment. I used to be, but 
the пате now is Mrs. Christopher.” 

"What 

“Biff and I were married this morning 
at the registrar's. I hope a marriage is 
legal when the bridegroom has a black 
eye. The registrar app: 


18 


kept looking at Biff and then shooting 
a glance at me I could see he was feeling 
we were beginning our married life 
n the wrong spirit" She regarded 
Jerry with gentle concern. "You seem 
stunned.” 

Jerry admitted that she had surprised 
him a litte. 

“I was only thinking it was a bit 
sudden. 

“Why sudden? Biff and I have been 
engaged for a long time — on and off." 

“OF course, yes. But when you were 
speaking to me on the phone yesterday 
I should have said off was the operative 
word.” 

She laughed. A pleasant laugh, Jerry 
considered. Not in Kay's class, of course, 
but, as Mr. Bunting would have said, 
adequate. 

"Oh, was it you I talked to? Yes, I 
can understand you jumping to con- 
clusions. But . . . how long have you 
known Bill?” 

“For years. He's about my best friend." 

"Then you must know he's the sort 
of cheerful idiot child nobody could be 
furious with for long. He came round 
to the place where I work this morning, 


and of course in a couple of minutes 
I'd forgiven him everything, and when 
id ‘Let's get married right away,’ I 
' so off we went to the 
registrar's. Biff has a way with 

“He certainly has. Well, 
lighted.” 

"So am I, though I shall be happier 
when we're safe aboard that boat. We're 
off to America tomorrow.’ 

“You are?” 

"Yes, I thought it was the prudent 
move." 

"T sce what you mean. Fven Biff can't 
get himself arrested in mid-ocean. U 
less, of course, he gocs in for barrat 
or mutiny on the high seas.” 

ГЇЇ be very careful to see that he 
doesn't.” 

“I'm sure you will Kay was saying 
only just now what a good influence 
you were on him.” 

“Oh, is Kay in London?” 

"She arrived last night to help me 
keep an eye on Biff. She went to see 
you. Didn't she find you? 
No, | was at Wimbledon. I took 
Bifl to my uncle's house. He was rather 
nervous because he thought the police 

ight be after him and he wanted a 
. I thought The Oaks would 
good as any. "There's nobody there. 
1 was planning to join him tonigh 
tomorrow morning we would have driven 
10 Southampton. But a difficulty has 
arisen.” 

"What's that?” 

“I happened to want to ask my uncle 
something just now, and I rang up 
Tilbury House, and his secretary told 
me he was on the point of leaving for 
Wimbledon 
‘Oh, my gosh!” 

“Yes, it would be an awkward meet 
ing, wouldn't it? So will you take my 
car and drive down there and bring him 
back here. I've got the car outside. I 
can't go myself, because I shall be busy 
all the afternoon shopping. ВИЕ needs a 
complete trousscau. He's very short of 
clothes." 

“I have some trousers of his at my 
wnde's place at Putney. You sce, Kay 
and I thought he would be better with- 
out them, 

"You have nudist views?" 

"We wanted to keep him tied to the 
flat so that he couldn't go out and get 
into trouble.” 

"E see. Well, 1 don't think we песа 
bother about those. I'll get him every- 
thing he needs.” 

“And you're really sailing tomorrow?" 

“We are, if the hand of the law 
doesn’t fall on Biff before then. I've got 
the tickets, and fortunately I have my 
visa. Mr. Gish was thinking of sending 
me to New York, so 1 got it and ever 
thing's fine. By the way, did Biff tell you 
what it was he did last night? 


Fm de- 


and 


"Not a word, except that he got into 
a fight.” 

“I gathered that the moment I saw him. 
Well, I must rush,” said Linda, and was 
gone, leaving Jerry profoundly relieved. 
Mrs. Edmund Biflen Christopher had 
made a deep impression on him, She 
was а girl who inspired confidence. 

He was about to go out to the car, 
when the bell rang. 

“Good afternoon, sir,” said the police- 
man who stood on the mat. “Sorry to 
trouble you, but could you tell me if a 
gentleman who looks like a dachshund 
lives here: 


Standing in the hall of The Oak: 
Wimbledon Common, and taking in his 
surroundings with an appraising eye, 
Bilî had become conscious of a cloud 
darkening his normally cheerful outlook 
on life. Alone in this vast, echoing man- 
sion, he had begun to feel like Robinson 
Crusoe on his island. He had, as he had 
told Jerry, dined here once or twice, but 
on those occasions there had been, in 
addition to other guests, butlers and 
maids and similar fauna bobbing about. 
It was the solitude that weighed on his 
nervous system. He felt apprehensive 
and in the grip of a despondency of the 
kind that can be corrected only with the 
help of a couple of quick ones, and it 
was not long before the thought floated 
into his mind that Lord Tilbury, his 
unconscious host, possessed a cellar and 
that the key to that cellar would pre- 
sumably be hanging on its hook in the 
butler's pantry. 

He found the key. He opened the 
cellar door. And there before him were 
bottles and bottles nestling in their bins, 
cach one more than capable of restoring 
his mental outlook to its customary 
form. And he was in the very act of 
reaching out for the one nearest to hand, 
when Linda's face seemed to rise be- 
fore his eyes and he remembered his 
promise to her. "Lay off the lotion," she 
had said to him, or words of that gen- 
eral import, and he had replied that he 
would. Even if the Archbishop of Can- 
terbury were to come and beg him to 
join him in a few for the tonsils, he had. 
said, no business would result. 

He could not beuay her trust. He 
had pledged his word. Furthermore, it 
was only too probable that when she 
joined him that night she would sniff 
at his breath. With a sigh he turned away 
and to divert his mind started to explore. 
the house. He found himself in what he 
remembered to be the drawing room, 
but greatly changed since his last visit, 
for its chairs and sofas were now 
swathed in dust sheets. The spectacle it 
presented was not exhilarating, and he 
did not spend much time looking at it. 
Scarcely had he passed through the door 
when the fatigue due to insufficient sleep 
оп the previous night swept over h 


He was just able to reach the nearest 
sofa before his eyes closed, and after 
that а salvo of artillery would probably 
not have waked him. 


The arrival of Percy Pilbeam in a 
taxicab did not even cause him to stir. 
Though this was perhaps not rem 


able, for Percy, letting himself 
the key Lord Tilbury had given him, 
made very little noise. From long habit 
private investigators learn to be quiet 
in their movements, for when you are 
shadowing erring husbands to love nests, 
the less you advertise your presence, the 
better. Cats prowling at dusk could al- 
ways have learned much from Percy, 
and family specters would have benefited 
by taking his correspondence course. He 
dosed the front door without a sound 
and, as Biff had done, stood looking 
about him. As he looked. the militant 
spirit in which he had embarked on this 
xpedition began to ebb. 

Percy, unlike Biff, had never been in- 
side The Oaks, Wimbledon Common, 
and its gloomy magnificence had ап 
even more lowering effect on him than 
it had had on his fellow visitor, He had 
come here full of fire and fury, grimly 
resolved to extract another check from 
Lord Tilbury if he had to choke it out 


of him with his bare hands, but now he 


was beginning to wonder if he were 
equal to the task. In his office at the 
Argus Agency and in the homely sur 
roundings of Number Three, Halsey 
Chambers, he had had no difficulty in 
being airy with Lord Tilbury, in defying 
Lord Tilbury and making it clear to 
him that a Pilbeam was a man to be 
reckoned with and not to be put upon, 
but the conviction was stealing over him 
that on the other's home grounds such 
an attitude would be harder to take. To 
use an expression which Lionel Spenser 
would never have permitted himself, 
Percy was beginning to get cold feet. 

In these circumstances it was perhaps 
only natural that his thoughts should 
have taken the same direction as those 
of Biff. A voice had whispered to Biff 
that aid and comfort lay behind that 
cellar door, and the same voice, or one 
very like it, whispered the same thing to 
Percy Pilbeam. 

The suggestion was well received 
Pausing merely to give his mustache 
twirl, he hastened cellarward 
joiced to find that some careless 
had left the key in the lock. It 
he went in and stood gazing on the 
bottles that confronted him, trying to 
decide which one should have his patron- 
age, that Lord Tilburys Rolls-Royce, 
chauffeur Watson at the wheel, purred 
п at the drive gates, 


and 


Mr. Bunting was the first to alight 
and, havi done so, he winced as if he 
had seen some dreadful sight, as indeed 
he had. 


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“Good gracious," he said. “What a 
perfectly ghastly house. It looks like a 
municipal swimming bath.” 

“Well, I didn't build said Lord 
Tilbury shortly, He resented criticism 
of his belongings. “Take the car back, 
Watson.” 

Isn't the chauffeur going to wait?” 

“OF course he isn’t going to wait. I'm 
supposed to be sick in bed, not galli- 
vanting about in cars. I'll go to bed at 
once. Theres no knowing when that 
damned Llewellyn will get here. Can I 
rely on you to play your part, Buntin 

His mood, аз he undressed and put 
on a suit of yellow pajamas with purple 
stripes, was ruffled and rebellious. A 
proud man, he resented having to be- 
have like a hunted stag in order to 
keep on good terms with a mere Holly- 
wood magnate, and the slow passing of 
time after he was between the shects did 
nothing to improve his outlook. Im- 
possible, he felt, even to smoke, and it 
was with a sigh of relief tl after an 
eternity he heard footsteps approaching. 
The door opened, and he closed his 
eyes. 

Ah, Llewellyn,” he said in a weak 
voice. "How good of you to come and 
see me. 

“Wrong number,” said Мт. Bunting. 
“This is Jorkins, the butler.” 

The tedium of waiting had made 
Lord Tilbury petulant. 

"What did you disturb me for? T 
was trying to get to sleep." 

“After that heavy lunch? Very injudi- 
cious. That's how you get liver trouble. 
It leads to splenic anemia, where the 
spleen is enlarged and later the liver, 
from cirrhotic changes. An accumulation 


of fluid in the abdominal cavity —" 
“Go away,” said Lord Tilbury. 
“You don’t want to hear about splenic 


“Just as you please, It's an absorbing 
subject, but if you would prefer not to 
be informed on it, that is entirely your 
affair. What I do think will interest you 
is the discovery 1 have made that the 
house is congested with burglars.” 

He was right. It interested Lord T 
bury extremely, He sat up like a jack: 
the-box. 

“What!” 

“I am sorry,” said Mr. Bunting. “I 
was guilty of an inexactitude. ‘Congested’ 
was perhaps too strong a word, suggest- 
ing as it does serried ranks of burglars, 
I've only found a couple so far. No 
doubt there are others in every nook and 
cranny, but the only ones I've managed 
to locate at present are the fellow in 
the cellar —" 

Lord Tilbury uttered a strangled cry. 
His cellar was very dear to him and he 
resented intruders on those sacred pre- 
cincts. 

"There is a burglar in the cellar?' 

"He was in the cellar. I locked him. 


“Telephone for the police!” 

“1 did. They came and took him away 
just before I looked in on you.” 

“Excellent, Bunting. Well done.” 

“I think I was adequate," said Mr. 
Bunting modestly. “It would have been 
neater and more dramatically right to 
have had the police take both men away, 
but I did not find the other one till I 
was having a ramble through the house 
after they had left. He was asleep in 


“Isn't he the one who did such a terrific 
imitation of you at the Chrisimas office party?” 


the drawing room 

“OF all the impudence! 
power him? 

“My dear Tilbury, when you get to 

my age, you don't ovcrpower burglars. 
I let him sleep on, I hadn't the heart to 
disturb him.” 
ТЇЇ disturb him," said Lord Tilbury, 
leaping from his bed in a flash of yellow 
and purple, and Mr. Bunting agreed 
that it was perhaps time that the reveille 
was sounded. He suggested that Lord Til- 
bury should arm himself with something 
solid from the bag of golf dubs which 
was standing in а corner of the room. 
He recommended the niblick, and Lord 
Tilbury felt that it was a wise choice. 
He had had no previous experience of 
intimidating a burglar, but instinct told 
him that it was a niblick shot. 

And so it came about that Biff, roused 
from slumber by a hand that gripped his 
arm and shook it, opened his сус» 


you over- 


drowsily. Secing а stout man in yellow 


and purple pajamas, accompanied by a 
dim something that looked like а vul- 
ture, and naturally supposing that this 
was merely a continuation of the night- 
mare he had been having, he closed 
them again and turned over on his side. 
It was only when his hosts niblick de- 
scended smartly on an exposed portion 
of his person that the mists of sleep 
shredded away and he sat up, blink’ 

“Oh, hello," he s. 
are. 
Lord Tilbury was too overcome to 
sp What held him for the moment 
dumb was not righteous indignation at 
the discovery that a young man whom 
he particularly disliked had invaded his 
home and gone to sleep in his drawing 
room without so much as by yourleave 
or with-your-leave. What was interfering 
with his vocal cords was the surge of 
emotion that comes to punters on racc- 
courses who see the long shot on which 
they have invested their shirts roll in 
lengths ahead of the field. His enemy 
had been delivered into his hands. No 


, “so there you 


question of civil actions here. If ever 
there was a case for summary arrest, 
this case was that case. 

Speech returned to him. He wheeled 
around on Мт. Bunting. 
can 1 


“Bunting, 
rested for br 

“Unquestionabl 
enter.” 

"Well, I didn't," said Biff. “My wife 
let me in with her key.” 

You аге a married т; 
Bunting, interested. 

“I was married this morning: 

“And may I ask how your wife came 
to be in possession of a key to my 


have this man 
id ent > 
Е he did break 


ar- 


ad 


said Mr. 


house?” inquired Lord Tilbury. 
"She lives here. She's your niccc, 
Linda. 


"What!" cried Lord Tilbury, reeling. 
"Hells bells,” said Bif, "if a wife 


can't offer her husband the hospitality 
of the house where she lives, things have 
come to a pretty pass. And what the 
devil are you doing in pajamas at this 
time of day?" 

Lord Tilbury did not reply. The sun- 
shine had been blotted from his life. 
It was not only the thought of his niece's 
disastrous marriage that held him silent. 
He was musing bitterly on. Providence. 
A moment before, he had been telling 
himsclf that Providence, always on the 
side of the good man, had gone out of 
its way to ensure that he should prosper 
as he deserved, and Providence, he now 
saw, was not the Santa Claus he had 
supposed, but a heartless practical joker 
who raised the good man's hopes only 
to dash them to the ground. A moment 
before, it had seemed that a пасте tele- 
phone call to the local police station 
was all that was needed to rule Edmund 
istopher out of the race for 
the millions and life had been 
roses, roses all the way. Now it was dust. 
and ashes. Not for an instant was he 
able to doubt the truth of Biffs story. 
What had induced Linda to marry him 
remained a mystery, and why she should 
have brought him here he could not 
say, but she had unquestionably done 
both of these things, and he shook with 
baffled fury like the villain in an old- 
time melodrama. 

“Get out!” he shouted. 

Bill èd his eyebrows. 

"Did I hear you say gct out?" 

"You did. This house is mine, not 
Linda's, and ! don't want vou in it.” 

“OK, if that's the way you feel. We 
Christophers never outstay our welcome. 
But I still fail to understand those pa- 
jamas." 

“Where did you get that black eye?" 
asked Mr. Bunting, ever anxious for in- 
formation. 

Jever you mind about my black eye. 
Who are you?” 

“I am Lord Tilbury's solicito 

“Bunting,” thundered Lord Tilbury, 
“show this young blot ош. I'm going 
back to bed.” he said, and without more 
words hurried up the stairs at speed quite 
creditable a man of his build. 

Biff followed him with a perplexed 
eye. 

"Whats he going to bed for? 

"| would be at as much a loss as your- 
self,” said Mr. Bunting, “had he not ex- 
plained the situation to me. It appears 
that he invited an important busi- 
ness associate to lunch today and com- 
pletely forgot the appointment. A Mr. 
Llewellyn, a prominent Hollywood mag- 
nate, who is a touchy man and takes 
offense easily. Mr. Llewellyn, 1 gather, 
spends a great many thousands of pounds 
a year advertising in Tilbury's papers, 
and Tilbury was afraid that if he found 
out the truth, he would withdraw his 
advertising. Fortunately, Tilbury's sec- 


retary, with great presence of mind, told 
Mr. Llewellyn that Tilbury had been 
taken ill and was in bed at his Wim- 
bledon residence, and Mr. Llewelly 
said he would make a point of looking 
in in the course of the afternoon to sce 
how he was. So Tilbury had no option 
but to go to bed. I think this clears up. 
the mystery of the pajamas satisfactorily. 
If there are any points you wish touched 
upon, I shall be delighted to clarify them 
for you.” 

Tt was not easy for Biff to stare with 
only one eye, but he managed to do so. 

“You mean if this Llewellyn guy finds 
out that Tilbury stood him up, 
bury'll lose a packet?” 

“That is substantially the case.” 

“Gosh!” said Biff, and hc, too, headed 
for the stairs, followed at a slower and 
more senile pace by Mr. Bunting, who 
was finding all this quite absorbing. 

“Ah, Llewellyn,” said Lord Tilbury 
as the door opened, speaking in the 
same weak tone he had uscd before. 
Then, as he beheld Biff, his voice 
strengthened. “I told you to ger out! 

“And in due season,” said Biff, “I will. 
But first there is a little business matter 
to be taken up. I think we can do a 
deal. I have here an agreement drawn 
up by my solicitor, whereby... Is it 
whereby, Bunting?” 

“Quite correct. 

“Whereby you consent to waive all 
claim to the Pyke millions in return for 
a cut of five percent of the gross.” 
ou're insane! 
"m not so sure, Tilbury,” said Mr. 
Bunting. "It seems a generous enough 
settlement, and I would advocate its ac- 
ceptance."" 

"Sign here," said Biff, "on the dotted 
lin 

"I shall do nothing of the sort.” 

You will. if vou don't want me to 
spill the facts to this Llewellyn guy when 
he arrives.” 

Lord Tilbury gasped. 

“This is blackmail! Can I have him 
arrested?" 

“I never saw a chap with such a p 
sion for arresting people,” said Mr. Bunt- 
ing, amusedly. "Such an action would 
certainly not lie. Blackmail involves the 
ortion of money, and far from try- 
ing to extort money from vou, this gen- 
tleman is offering to give you some.” 

“Well spoken, Bunting.” 

It was Bif who said this, not Lord 
Tilbury. The latter's comment, if he 
had made one, would have been radically 
different. 

“A bird in the hand is worth two in 
the bush, my dear Tilbury,” said Mr. 
Bunting with the air of a man who has 
invented a happy phrase. "These ac- 
tions for setting wills aside are always 
chancy affairs, and from what you have 
told me, your brothers fortune was 
quite large enough to make five percent 


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the settlement." 

Bunting, you are on the beam. A 
Daniel come to judgment." 

Again it was Biff who spoke, and 
again Lord Tilbury preserved a gloomy 
silence. His solicitor's words, so obviously 
spoken by a man who knew, bad 
crushed the last remains of his spirit. 
He reached out a hand for the docu- 
ment, and Mr. Bunting obligingly sup- 
plied the fountain pen without which. 
he never stirred abroad. 

‘There was something in the slow and 
painful way in which the head of the 
Mammoth Publishing Company signed 
his name that would have reminded 
Jerry Shoesmith, had he been present, 
of the sergeant at the Paris police sta- 
tion. But eventually the sad task was 
completed. Mr. Bunting added his sig- 
nature as witness, and Biff with a cheery 
word of farewell withdrew 


ice young fellow," said Mr. Bunt- 
ing, who had taken quite a fancy to him. 
“I wonder how he got that black eye.” 
“I wish I'd given it to him," said Lord 
Tilbury morosely. 
“He seems to have got married to your 
се very suddenly. Had she said any- 
thing to you of her matrimonial plans?" 
TD 
“The thing came on you as a sur 
prise?” 


"Ah well, in the spring a young man's 
fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love, 
and this is no doubt шце of young 
women also. Ah, the telephone," said 
Mr. Buntin; Excuse me. 

He was absent some minutes. When 
he returned, he had news. 

“That your friend Llewellyn. He 
says he is extremely sorry, but he will 
be unable to be with you this afternoon, 
Something — he did not tell me what — 
has, as he expressed it, come up. He 
sends his kindest regards and hopes you 
will soon be in your usual robust health 
once more.” 


inside his yel- 
low and purple pajamas. The words had 
been a dagger in his heart. As he re- 
flected that if only this fool of a motion- 
Picture magnate had had the sense to 
call up five minutes sooner, he would 
not have been compelled to sign that 
agreement, the iron entered into his 
sou! 

“Must be a nice fellow,” said Mr. 
Bunting, who was liking everyone this 


afternoon. “Thoughtful. Considerate. 
Ате you getting up?” 
“Of course I'm getting up. No sense 


in lying in bed now.” 

“Truc. Very true.” 

Lord Tilbury climbed out of bed and 
put on his clothes. He was feeling low 
and depressed, and precisely as had been 
and Percy Pilbeam, 


his thoughts had turned to that well- 
stocked cellar of his. 

I don't know what you're going to 
do, Bunting,” he said, “but after I've 
telephoned my secretary to send the car 
Iam going to have a drink.” 

“I will join you if you have any non- 
alcoholic elderberry wine.” 

“I haven’ 

Mr. Bunting sighed. 

“It's a curious thing that very few 
people have,” he said. “I have often 
remarked it.” 

With a cobweb-covered bottle and a 
glass in the drawing room, Lord Til- 
bury began to feel a little better, but 
the restoration of his tissues was inter- 
rupted by the ringing of the telephone. 
Mr. Bunting, ever courteous, went out 
into the hall to answer it. When he 
came back, his air was grave. He looked 
like a vulture whose mind is not at ease. 

"Do you know who that was, Tilbury? 
That was the police.” 

“The police?” 

“Speaking from the local station. Do 
you by any chance know a man named 
Pilbeam? You do? Well, a rather un- 
fortunate thing has happened. You re- 
call the burglar I locked in the cellar?” 

awelks 

"It appears that that was Pilbeam, 
whoever Pilbeam may be. You appar- 
ently gave him your key, and he en- 
tered through the front door. І imagine 
he had come to see you about something, 
possibly some business matter, and no- 
body was more surprised than he when 
he found himself arrested and taken off 
to the police station.” 

“Served him rig! 

“Quite. But have you envisaged what 
will be the outcome?” 

“I don't understand you.” 

“Obviously he has grounds for an ac- 
tion for false arrest and imprisonment, 
and І cannot see how he can fail to 
mulct you in very substantial damages. 
I shall be much surprised if he is not 
on his way here now. 

Mr. Bunting was perfectly correct. 
Percy Pilbeam was at that moment ap- 
proaching The Oaks at the rate of knots, 
his soul, such as it was, scething like a 
cistern struck by a thunderbolt. On his 
previous visit he had not been in any 
too sunny a frame of mind, but his feel- 
ings then were merely tepid compared 
with his feelings now. He had had a 
testing time at the local police station, 
the tendency on the part of the force 
having been to be skeptical as to his 
motives for being on what they called 
enclosed premises. The general disposi- 
tion had been to dassify him as a dan- 
gerous member of the underworld 
canght with the goods. 

It was only when he had exhibited the 
frontdoor key of The Oaks and the 
check signed by Tilbury that his story of 


being a respectable friend of the family 
paying a social call had begun to receive 
credence. In the end he "had been al- 
lowed to depart and had even been of- 
fered apologies, but this had donc 
nothing to diminish his animosity and 
his resolve, as Mr. Bunting had put it, 
to mulct Lord Tilbury in very substan- 
tial damages. Mentally phrasing it in a 
way which would never have met with 
the approval of Lionel Spenser, he pro- 
posed to soak Lord Tilbury good. 

He was passing through the main gate 
with this purpose in mind when he heard 
his name called and, turning, perceived 
an ornate car with an ornate chauffeur 
at the wheel and was aware of his cousin 
Gwendoline’s lovely head protruding 
from a side window. 

"Percy," said Gwendoline, 
earth are you doing here?" 

"Gwen," said Percy, making the thing 
a duet, "what on earth are you doing 
here?” 

“Lord Tilbury rang for the car, and 
I thought I'd come along. He seemed 
all upset about something. His ve 
sounded so sad.” 

“It'll sound sadder when I get hold 
of him," said Percy grimly. “He'll be 
lucky if he gets out of this for ten thou- 
sand pounds.” 

“Why, whatever do you mean?" 

In burning words Percy related the 
tale of the wrongs that had been done 
him, and Gwendoline's beautiful eyes 
widened as she listened. 

"You mean you're going to sue him?" 

"Am I going to sue him! You bet I'm. 
going to sue him." 

"No, you aren't" said Gwendoline, 
and there was a steely note in her voice. 
Her azure eyes, so soft when mecting 
those of her employer, were hard. “You 
certainly aren't, and I'll tell you why. 
You start anything, young Perce, and 
TH tell Bif what you told me about 
plotting his ruin with that Murphy 
friend of yours. And do you know wh 
Biffll do? He'll butter you over the 
pavement. You wouldn't want your 
block knocked off, would you, Perce? 
You wouldn't want to wake up in а 
hospital with nurses smoothing your pil- 
low and doctors asking you where you 
want the body sent?" 

"You couldn't prove I told you that," 

id weakly. 

“Oh, couldn't 1? How could I have 
heard anything about it, if you hadn't 
told mc? ВИИ believe it, anyway, which 
is all that matters. Did you know he was 
what they call an intercollegiate boxing 
champion when he was at college over 
in America?” 

A coldness 
at the fcet. 

“Oh, all right,” he said bitterly. “Have 
it your own way.” 

“Well, don't you forget," said Gwen- 


“what on 


he 


ате over Percy, starting 


doline. “OK, Watson. drive on. Home. 
James, and don't spare the horse 

The sight of Gwendoline Gibbs al- 
ways had much the same effect on Lord 
ilbury as did that of a rainbow in the 
sky on the poet Wordsworth, but he had. 
never been 


adder to sce her than he 
er 


was now, for seldom had he felt a gr 


need of being cheered up. No newspapi 
proprietor likes to be in the toils of a 
nd Mr. Bunting 


t distressingly clear that Lord 
Tilbury was in those of Percy. Percy had 
оп case and there was practically 
no limit, said Mr. Bunting with a sort 
of horrible relish, to the damages juries 
dealt out for wrongful arrest and im 
prisonment. 

When, therefore, Gwendoline revealed 
that she had met Percy and reasoned 
with him and persuaded him to drop 
the suit, such a surge of love and grati- 
tude filled the proprictor of the Mam- 
moth Publishing Company that only the 
thought of Mr. Pilbcam senior kept him 
from proposing on the spot. 

valuable, Miss Gibbs,” he 
. "I don't know what I would do 


"I'm afraid you're going to have to 
do without me, Lord Tilbury. Mr. Llew- 
ellyn wants to take me back to Holly- 
wood with him. He said he had never 
seen anyone so photogenic.” 

Lord Tilburys heart stood still. Jt 
then throbbed like a dynamo, and a mo- 
ment later he was laying it at her feet 
The thought that if he did not speak 
now, this girl would be lost to him for- 
ever overcame his misgivings about Mr. 
Pilbeam senior. To win her he was pre- 
pared to call Mr. Pilbeam Uncle Willie 
with every sentence he uttered 
"һе cried. "Don't dream 
of going to Hollywood!" 

"But I'm photogenic. Mr. Llewellyn 

so. He says I have a great future 


“Damn Mr. Llewellyn and damn pix! 
Stay here and be my wife!" 
"Oh, Lord Tilbury 
“Don't call me Lord Tilbury. Call me 
George.” 
Gwendoline giggled. 
“It sounds so funny 
"What sounds so fu 
“Calling you George. 
“I see nothing funny in it at all.” 
“Nothing funny in what" asked Mr. 
Bunting, appearing from nowhere. 
Lord Tilbury regarded him sourly. 


“Go for a walk!” 
2809 I've just been for а walk.” 
for another." 


n4 you see I want to kiss her?" 
Mr. Bunting looked doubtful. 


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166 completely. 


“It is not a thing I should advise on 
a [ull stomach.” 
Bunting! 
“It has been known to lead to apo- 
plexy. There is a danger of embolism, 
brought about by a clot or other foreign 
body which is carried to the brain by 
the blood stream. 1 can assure you —" 
“Bunting!” 
Yes, my dear fellow?" 
Do you want to be torn limb from 
limh 
“Certainly not,” said Mr. Bunting, 
who could imagine nothing less hygienic. 
“Then go into the garden and stay in 
the garden and don't come out of the 
garden till you're told to.” 
, certainly, certainly.” 
їе," said the future Lady 
Tilbury lovingly, "you're so masterful.” 


The uplifted feeling induced by the 
bulge in his pocket, where the signed 
agreement lay, had begun to ebb in Biff 
is he made his through the grounds 


of The Oaks, Wimbledon Common 
Recollection of last 


ht's happenings 
was returning to him, and he could not 
rid himself of the conviction that among 
those happenings had bcen a fight, a 
brawl, a physical encounter between 
himself and à member of London's po- 
lice force. It was all still very hazy, but 
definite enough to cast a shadow on what 
should have been a moment for joy and 
scli-congratulation. 

He 1 certainly become embroiled 
with someone last night — his injured 
eye testified to that—and more and 
more the impression began to solidify 
that this someone had worn a helmet, a 
id a ginger mustache. The 
as warm, but as he walked 
with bowed head, probing into the past, 
а chill began to pervade his system. 

His meditations were interrupted by 
the tooting of a horn, and looking up 
he saw Jerry at the wheel of а natty 
sports-model car whose appearance was 
vaguely familiar. He stared at him 
haughtily. After what had occurred he 
was not at all sure he was on speaking 
terms with Jerry. But he had now rec- 
ognized the car as Linda's, and his curi- 
osity as to what Jerry was doing in a cer 
belonging to a girl he had never met 
was so great that he was compelled to 
utter. His opening words, oddly enough, 
were the same as those addressed by 
Percy Pilbeam to Gwendoline Gibbs and 
by Gwendoline Gibbs to Percy Pilbeam. 
g here?” 


What on earth are you di 
he cried. 


wife asked me to look you up,” 
ry. “Congratulations on that, by 


“Thank: 
“How does it feel being married?” 

“Jerry o' man,” said Biff, unbending 
id letting bygones be by- 


gones, “it’s the most extraordinary thing. 
You remember what I told you about 
how I should become a different man 
after I'd married Linda. Well, I'd looked 
on the reforming process as a gradi 
affair, if you know what I mea 
thought it would set in imperceptibly 
over the years and that the alterations 
would take place little by little as time 
went by, if you're still following me. But 
the change has been instantaneous, o" 
man, absolutely instantincous. Do you 
know what happened just now 
n sorry, no. I'm a stranger 


these 


parts. 
T wanted a drink. I found the key of 
old Tilbury's cellar. I hovered on the 
threshold and there before me were bot- 
tles and bottles. each charged to the 
brim with the right stuff. But I remem- 
bered I'd promised Linda I'd swear off, 
and I turned on my heel and walked 
away, leaving them unopened. That's 
what marriage does to you. And the 
amazing thing is that instead of kicking. 
myself for passing up the opportunity 
of a lifetime I'm pleased, happ 
lighted. But how did you come to meet 
Linda? That's what's puzzling m 
‘Oh, that happened quite simply. I 
was at the flat, thinking of this and that, 
when she blew in and asked me to come 
and remove you, because she had heard 
that Tilbury was on his way herc. Did 
he show up?* 

"Oh yes, he arrived." 

"And kicked you out?” 

"He hinted that I would be better 
elsewhere. T suppose you've come to take 
me back to Halsey Chambers?" 

“That was the idea. Oh, by the way, 
talking of Halsey Chambers, 2 policeman 
called there just as І was leaving. He 
wanted to know if a gentleman who 
looked like a dachshund lived there.” 

“Holy smoke! 

“Yes, it startled me, І must admit.” 

“You said, of course, that he didn't 

“Why, no. I couldn't lie to the police. 

Bill clutched his forehead. 

“This wants thinking out, Jerry o' 
man. I can't stay here, because old Til- 
bury's given me the bum’s rush. I can't 
go back to the flat, because the cops'll 
be watching it. And if I stay in the open, 
ГЇЇ get pinched for vagrancy. So what's 
the answer?” 

Jerry laughed and, when Biff told him 
with some asperity that there was noth- 
ing to laugh at, assured him that he was 
mistaken. 

“Listen, ВИТ,” he said, 
lot of fun out of this and, speaking for 
myself, I could go on forever, but I sup- 
pose the humane thing is to tell you 
what the cop went on to say. I thin 
you'll be interested. He asked me I 
could get hold of you and bring you to 
the sickbed of the  ginger-mustached 
officer who used to be on duty outside 


Halsey Court. He wants to thank his 
brave preserve 

“What are you talking about?” 

“It's a stirring story. The ginger-mus- 
tached one was on his beat last night 
when what they call a gang of youths 
closed in on him, and he was being 
roughly handled, аз the expression is. 
when suddenly а splendid young fellow 
who looked like a dachshund came 
bounding into the [ray and saved him. 

Bill stared. 

“You're kidding.” 

“No, thats what happened, and 1 
think I can see how it came about. You 
saw the cop getting massacred by the 
gang of youths and it infuriated you so 
to think it wasn't you who was doing 
the massacring that you sailed in and 
laid them out.” 

ВИТ» one unwounded суе roamed over 
the grounds of The Oaks, Wimbledon 
Common, and never to any visitor had 
their suburban charms seemed so p 
nounced. Even the house itself looked 
good to him. 

You mean the cops aren't after те?" 
“Only to shake you by the hand.” 

“They aren't going to pinch те? 

“They'll probably give you a medal. 
And do you know another thing that'll 
make vour day? You're going to have me 
as a brother-in-law. 

“Whau” 

“Ask Kay if you're not.” 

“Ah, well," s; Biff, having consid- 
ered this, "one can't expect life to be all 
jam. We all have our cross to bea 

“Aren't you rejoicing at the thought 
of having me for a brother-in-law?" 

“Did you say brother-m-law2” asked 
Mr. Bunting, manifesting himself ap- 
parently from thin air in that peculiar 
way of his. "Are you, too, going to be 
married? 

^I am." 

"So, it appears, is everybody. It’s a 
most extraordinary thing. I have just 
left Tilbury. He's getting married. Mr. 
Christopher was married this morning. 
And now you say you . .. I didn’t catch 
the name?" 

“My name is Shoesmith 

“And now you, Mr. Shoesmith, arc 
about to be married. It's like some sort 
of epidemic. Are you gentlemen return. 
ing to town?" 

“That's right.” 

"Perhaps you will give me a lift?" 

“Delighted.” 

“And then, if you will allow m: aid 
Mr. Bunting, “I will take you to my club 
and you shall join me in а cup of cocoa. 
I do not often drink cocoa, as I find it 
hard to digest, but this is an occasion. 


This is the final installment of a two- 
part serialization of P. G. Wodehouse’s 
new novel, “Biffen’s Million: 


PLAYBOY 


168 


MEDDLERS (continued from page 103) 


sured, that the Van Allen belts, which 
had been around for several billion 
years, would be blown up within five 
years of their discovery. 

Well, the belts are still there, though 
somewhat groggy. The confident calcula- 
tions were out by а factor of ten, possibly 
a hundred. (Тһе argument is still in 
progress) Three artificial satellites, 
placed in orbit at enormous expense, 
were promptly silenced by the unex- 
pectedly powerful blast of radiation. 
One of them happened to be the 
very first British-built satellite, kindly 
launched only a few wecks earlier by 
the U. S. Space Administration as part of 
its wellintended program of interna- 
tional cooperatioi 

I can only mention in passing (and 

what we may well be) such 
tractions as the neutron bomb, 
ut Rays, and the really virulent 
s that the biological warriors will 
be able to design, when the genetic code 
has been cracked and we Gin create оте 
ganisms that nature never imagined. 
One would expect such activities to cause 
trouble; but unfortunately, even “harm- 
less" experiments, on the scale at which 
we are now operating, may lead to most 
peculiar and obscure disasters. For ex- 
ample: 

‘The only thing that protects you from 
a ful death by acute sunburn is а 
thin layer of ozone, 20 miles above your 
head. The amount involved is very 
small, but it almost completely absorbs 
the Sun's lethal ultraviolet rays. Now, in 
the course of our space experiments, we 
are dumping enormous quantities of ex- 
otic chemicals into the upper atmosphere 
— quantities which, in some cases, will 
exceed the amounts of gas already there. 

ination with a vengeance 
and no one knows what its results will 
be. 4 generation from now, that ultra- 
violet may s through the 
ozonosphere roof, and we'll have to 
move underground . 

Where is this going to lead, as ou 
powers over nature— but not over our- 
selves— continue to increase? If we 
extrapolate the present trends in tech- 
nological megalomania, arrogant igno- 
rance and national selfishness, this is the 
type of press release we may expect from 
the Pentagon, round about the year 1990: 


As there has been much ill 
formed criticism of the U.S. Space 
Force's proposed attempt. to extin- 
guish the Sun by means of the so- 
called Blackout Bomb (Operation 
Pluto), the following statement is 
being issued to reassure the public. 

The experiment is based on the 
discovery by Spitzer, Richardson, 
Chandrasekhar and others that the 
tion of polarized neutrinos 
a certain class of sunspot can start 


a chain reaction, which will cause a 
temporary quenching or damping of 
the solar thermonuclear process. As 
a result, the Sun's brilliance will 
rapidly decrease to about a mil 
lionth of its normal value, then re- 
cover in a period of approximately 
30 minutes. 

"This important discovery has 
grave defense implications, for a 
potential enemy could utilize it to 
make a surprise attack on the 
United States under cover of artifi- 
cially induced darkness. It is ob- 
vious, therefore, that for its own 
security the U.S. must investigate 
this phenomenon first, and this can 
be done only by a full-scale experi. 
ment. 

Though it is appreciated that Op- 
eration Pluto will cause temporary 
inconvenience to large numbers of 
people — a fact deeply regretted by 
the U.S. Government — the defense 
of the Free Solar System permits of 
no alternative. Morcover, the bene- 
fits to science will be enormous, and 
will far outweigh any slight risks 
involved. 

The numerous protests raised 
against the operation by foreign 
scientists are illfounded, being 
largely based upon inadequate in- 
formation. In particular, the attacks 
launched by Lord Bernard of Jod- 
yell and Sir Frederick Hoyle appear 
to be inspired by political rather 
п scientific motivations. It is felt 
their views would be altogether 


th 


EENY, MEENY, MINY, MOT 
(answers) 

1. Heroine. 
One word. 
3. NOON. 
4. TOOT, WOW, MOM, TOT, 
OTTO, etc. 
3. Aye, eye. 
6. Stone, bones, money, etc. 
7. Straights, strengths. 
8. Oxyopia, but don't feel badly unless 
you're an ophthalmologist; if so, feel ter- 
ible. For the alternates: azalca, myopia, 
topia, aviary, adagio. acuity, ctc. 
Short. 
10. Abstemiously, facctiously. 
11. Nine: à (though), 50 (through), ûf 
(tough), aw (ought), awf (cough), ow 
(bough), йр (hiccough), dk (hough—look 
it up), och (lough, varia as in 
Ness Monster). If you got as many as 
seven, give yourself par for the course, 
12. Monosyllable. 
13. Schoolmaster. 
14. Sovereignty. 
15. Microorganism. 
16. Senselessness. 
17. Après the repas. The English ones: 
spear, reaps, rapes, pears, pares, spare, 
parse, apers, asper. Don't blame us if 
those last two aren't in the dictionary. 
18. Herein has in it: he-her-here-cre- 


1 ere T saw Elba; A man, a 
pla : Panama, 
90. Brandy-brand-bran-ran-an-a. 


different if the United Kingdom pos- 
sessed vehicles capable of carrying 
suitable pay loads to the Sun. 

As these critics have suggested 
that the Sun's recovery time may 
bc of the order of. ycars rather than 
minutes, a full study of the blackout 
process has been carried out by the 
Los Alamos PHOBIAC computer. 
This has shown that the risk of the 
Sun remaining extinguished is neg- 
ligibly small, though the actual fig- 
ure must remain classified. 

Nevertheless, to explore all pos- 
sibilities, the U.S. Government has 
commissioned the well-known firm 
of independent consultants, Kahn, 
Teller and Strauss, to make a study 
of the situation should the Sun fail 
to return to normal. Their repo 


to be released shortly under the title 
Economic and Other Effects of a 24- 
Hour Night — indicates that, though 
there may be a difficult transition 
per 


d, the community will soon 
pt itself to the new conditions. 
These may, in fact, be advantageous 
in many respects; for example, the 
enormous stimulus to the electri 
supply and illumination industry 
would remove any danger of a re- 
cession for years to come. 

The protracted absence of the 
Sun would also render useless the 
Soviet Union's announced intention 
of increasing agricultural produc- 
tion by tilting the Earth's axis so 
as to move Siberia into the tropics 
—a proposal which has rightly 
aroused the disapproval of the civi- 
ized world. Should Operation Pluto 
have unexpected aftereffects, there 
will, of course, be no tropics at all. 

The United States Government, 
however, is confident that no such 
mishaps will occur, and is proceed- 
ing with the operation їп full 
consciousness of its global тезро 
bilities. It will not be deflected from 
its plain duty either by uninformed 
criticism, ог such temporary setbacks 
as the recent destruction of the 
planet Mercury by the premature 
detonation of the first blackout de- 
vice. This accident has been traced 
to а piece of chewing gum in the 
inertial guidance system, and all 
necessary steps have been taken to 
prevent its recurrence, 


Farfetched? I'm not so sure. For a long 
time, many of us have been wondes 
why certain types of stars occasionally 
blow up; and just recently, astronomers 
discovered an exploding galaxy. By the 
standards of the Universe, our meddling: 
may turn out to be pretty small-scale 
stuff. 

But we're certainly working hard at 
it; and the best, I'm afraid, is yet to be. 


BIT OF A DREAMER 


(continued from page 70) 


T ging for charity. 

“I don't disgust you? Please tell me 
the truth.” 

He leaned down and kissed her lips. 

He had seen children 
the beach looking for birds that were 
still palpitating, and then finishing them 
off with a stamp of a heel. He had 
beaten such boys when he could catch 
them, but now he himself was yielding 
to the appeal of this wounded fragility, 
now he was finishing her off, now he was 
bending over her breasts, pressing his 
lips against hers. He felt her arms 
around his shoulders. 

“I don’t disgust you," she said sol- 
emily. 

He tried to get hold of himself. It 
was merely the ninth wave of solitude 
that had just broken over him, and it 
was carrying him away. All he wanted 
was to stay like this forever, his face 
pressed against her neck, his eyes closed. 

“Yes, please.” she murmured. “Help 
me forget. Help m. 

She wanted to s with . She 
wanted to stay with him forever in this 
empty café at the end of the world. Her 
voice was so convincit there was such 
her eyes, such promise in her 
te arms that clutched his shoulders 
that he suddenly felt he had 
achieved his goal in life after all, at the 
last moment. He held her close, some- 
times gently raising her head in his 
hands, while the decades of solitude were 
falling with crushing weight upon his 
shoulders and the ninth wave knocked 
him down and swept him out to sea. 

"Yes," she murmured. "Yes, do it... 
l want you to." 

When the wave withdrew and he 
found himself on the shore again, he 


saw that she was crying. He let her sob 
without opening his eyes and without 
his forchead, which he kept 


pressed. ist her cheek, and he felt 
both her tears flowing and her heart 
beating violently against his chest. Then 
he heard voices and a noise on the ter- 
race. He thought of the three men on 
the dune, and leaped up to get his gun. 
Someone was walking on the terrace, 
the seals were barking in the distance, 
the sca birds shrieked between sky and 
water, a breaker crashed on the beach, 
drowned out all these voices, then with- 
drew, leaving behind it only a short, 
sad laugh and a voice that said in 
English: 

“Hell and. damnati 
and damnation, that's what it is. I've 
had it. This is the last time I travel 
around the world with her. The world 
is definitely overpopulated." 

He opened the door. A man dressed 
in a tuxedo, about 50, was standing be- 
side the table, leaning on a сапе. He 


п, old boy, hell 


was playing with the green scarf she had 
left beside her cup. He had a litle 
gray mustache, confetti on his shoulders, 
trembling hands, watery Ыис eyes, a 


drunkard's comple vague 
tures which fatigue blurred still morc in 
an expression that was either di 
guished or corrupt, dyed hair that 
looked like a wig: he caught sight of 
Rainier in the halfopen door and 
smiled ironically, glanced at the scarf, 
then looked up at him again 
smirk broadened, mocking, sad 
ter. Beside him, a handsome young man 
in a matador costume, his hair black 
and smooth, looked down with a sullen 
expression, leaning against the pulley, a 
cigarette in one hand. A little farther 
off, on the steps, one hand on the rail, 
stood a chaulfcur in а gray uniform and 
cap. a woman's coat over his arm. R 
nier put the gun down on a chair and 
went out onto the terrace. 

“A boule of Scotch, please,” said the 
man in the tuxedo, laying the scarf on 
the table, “por favor . . . 

"The bar isn’t open yet," 
said in English. 

“Well, some coffee, then 
while we wait for Madame to finish 
dressing.” 

He shot Rainier a resentful glance, 
straightened a little, leaning on his canc, 
his face livid in the pale light, the fea- 
tures frozen in a sulky expression of 
meanness and rancor, while a new 


Rainier 


ome coffee, 


breaker made the café shudder on its 
stilts, 


The breakers, the ocean, the forces 
You're French, arent you? 
her steps, then, Yet we 
almost two years, they 
didn’t help а bit— another undeserved 
reputation. As for Italy . . . My secretary, 
whom you see here, is an Italian . . . 
He didn’t help a bit, either. Latin lovers 
are definitely overrated. 

The matador stared gl 
The Englishman turned toward the 
dune: the skeleton was lying, arms our- 
stretched, face up, on the sand; the 
blue, red and yellow man was sitting on 
the sand with his head back, the neck 
of the bottle raised to his lips; the Negro 
in the white wig and court dress, stand- 
ing with his fcet in thc water, had ur 
buttoned his white silk pants and 
urinating into the ocean. 

"I'm sure they didn't help a bi 
cither," the Englishman said, gesturing 
with his cane toward the dune. “On this 
earth there are certain feats that exceed 
the powers of a man. Of three men, I 
should say I hope they didn’t steal 
her jewelry. A fortune, and the insu 
ance people won't pay. They'd accuse 
her of carelessness. Someday one of them 
will wring her neck. By the way, cin 
you tell me where all these dead birds 
come from? There must be thousands 
of them. I've heard of the elephants’ 
graveyard, but not the birds' . . . Could 


mly at his fect. 


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170 


it be 


n epidemic? There must be some 
explanation, after all.” 

He heard the door open behind him, 
but didn't stir. 

“Ah, there you are!” the Englishman 
said, bowing slightly. “I was beginning 
to worry, my dear. We've been cooling 
our heels over four hours in the car, 
waiting until it was over, and we're 
really out in the middle of nowhere here 
.. Ап accident happens so quickly." 

"Let me alone. Go away. Shut up 
Please, let me alone. Why did vou come? 

Му dear, a quite natural appreher 
sion. . 

“I hate you. You disgust me. Why are 
you following me? You promised . . . 

The next time, my dear, please Icay 
the jewels at the hotel. It’s safer. 

Why are you always trying to humili- 
ate me? 

“I'm the humiliated опе, my dear. 
At least, according to the usual conven- 
tions. We're quite above that, of course: 
we happy few . . . But this time you've 
really gone a bit too far. I'm not speak- 

of myself. I'm ready to accept апу 
you know. I love you. I've 
proved that sufficiently often. But after 
all, something might have happened to 
vou ... They could've killed уоп... 
in an excess of zeal. We don't w: 
lose you, do we, Mario? All 1 a 
Tittle тоте prudence. 
. . . disariminatio 

“And 
drunk” 

“Merely out of sheer despair, my dar- 


k is a 
nd a little more 


you're drunk, You're still 


ling ... nymph. Four hours in the car, 
all kinds of thoughts . . . You'll admit 
that I'm not the happiest husband on 


КОШ 
“Shut up. Oh, my God, shut uj 
She was sobbing. Rainier wasn't look- 
g at her, but he was sure she was rub- 
bing her eyes with her fists: they were 
а child's sobs. He tried not to think, not 
to understand, All he wanted to hear 


was the barl of the seals, the cries of 
the sea birds, the murmur of the ocean. 
He stood motionless among them, loo! 
ing down, and felt frozen, An icy, mer- 
s cold. Or perhaps he merely had 
goose Ilesh. 

"Why did you save me?" she screamed. 
“You should have left me there. One 
wave and it would all have been ov 1 
an end to it. I can't stand 
on like this. You should 


wanted to put 
it. 1 can't go 
have left me. 

"Monsieur." the Englishman said de- 
liberately, "how can 1 express my grati- 
tude to you? Our gratitude, I should 
say. Permit me, in behalf of all of us... 
We shall all be eternally grateful to you 
... Come, my dear, it's 
I'm 


h time... 1 


assure you, not suffering anymore 
. 2. As for the rest . . . We'll consult 
Professor Guzman, in Montevideo. It 


appears he's obtained almost miraculous 
cures, Isn't that so, Mario? 

The matador shrugged. 

“Professor Guzman is a very great man. 
A disciple of Freud, a true healer . . . 
Science has not yet spoken its last word. 
It's all in his book, isn't it, my little . . . 
nymph?” 

“Oh, shut up,” the matador said. 

“Remember the society woman who 
could only make it with jockeys weighing 
tly one hundred pounds? No more, 
no less... And the charming lady who 
had to have someone knock on the door, 
at the right momen? Three short 
knocks, and one long. The human soul 
is unfathomable. And the banker's wife 
who needed to hear the burglar alarm of 
the safe go off before she could go off 
herself, which put her in an impossible 

асс that always woke up the 


e 


husband: 


s enough, Roger.” the matador 
said. “It’s not funny. You're drunk. 

“And the case of the blasé lady who 
obtained interesting results only when 


her partner pressed a revolver to her 
temple at the right time? Professor Guz- 
man has cured them all. He tells all 
about it in his book. They've all made 
it in the end, my dear. All of them. 
"There's no reason to fcel discouraged.” 

She walked past him without a glance, 
The chauffeur respectfully draped the 
coat over her shoulders. 

"And be know, Messalina 
was like that, too. She never stopped 
searching and trying. And she was an 
empress.” 

Roger, that's enough,” the tor 

id. 
"IUs true that psychoanalysis di 
the 
nly have helped her. There, 
‚ my little queen, don't look at me 
like that. Mario, remember the rather. 
sulky young woman who couldn't get 
anywhere until she heard a lion's roar? 
And the one whose husband had to keep 
playing The Afternoon of a Faun with 
опе hand? Im prepared for anything, 
my dear. My love and understandin 
have no limits. And the gracious lady 
who always stayed at the Ritz so she 
could look the Vendôme Column at 
the crucial moment? Unfathomable are 
the mysteries of the human soul. And the 
усту young woman who had spent her 
childhood at Marrakech and couldn't 
do, couldn't do at all without the muez- 
zin's chant? Very poetic. And that bride 
in London during the blitz, who after- 
та always asked her husband to 
te the whistling of a bomb? They've all 
become excellent wives and mothers, my 
dear." 

The young man in the matador cos- 
lume went over to the Englishma 
pped him. The Englishman м 
ing. 

"I can't take it anymore,” he said. “I 
can't.” 
he walked down the drawbridge. He 
saw her walking barefoot on the beach, 
among the dead birds. The green scarf 
was trailing behind her in her hand. She 
held her head very high and her profile 
had a purity to which neither man's 
hand nor God's could have added any- 
thing. 

“АП right, Roger, calm dow 
secretary said. 

The Englishman took the ¢ 
brandy she had left on the table and 
drank it off in one swallow. He put 
down the glass. He took a bill from his 
wallet and laid it in the saucer, Then he 
stared moodily at the dunes and sighed, 


ides, 


you 


time. Professor 


wa 


тс 


They went away. At the top of the 
dune, before disappearing, she stopped, 
hesitated, then turned around suddenly. 
But he was no longer there. No one was 
there, The café was empty. 


ITALIAN LINE 

(continued from page 76) 
designed and fabricated, to button over 
тасс-саг chassis, whole bodies that weighed 
less than 65 pounds, complete with sea 
windshields, rearview mirrors and St. 
topher medals, Long ago, houses 
like Touring were hammering out coupe 
and shortsedan bodies that a strong teen- 
ager could lift over his head — bodies, 
what's more, that would stay squeak- 
and rattle-free indefinitely, because they 
were designed to do nothing but give 
the passengers a place to sit out of the 
wind and the rain: the cars were com- 
pletely protected from any trace of driv- 
s. A structure of pencil-thin 
had been built up on the chas: 
and the body panels hand-fitted over this, 
and at the same time insulated from it. 
The car might go into and out of foot 
deep holes in the road all day, but t 
adventure could not affect the fit of the 
doors, Some builders refuse to weld or 
drill panels to fit them together, contend- 
ing that both systems are weakening 
‘They fold the ends together and hammer 
them flat! 

The history of Italian со; 
full of such innovation. Pininfa 
making quad headlights 15 y 
lt is difficult to think of a useful dev 
applicable to bodywork still unexploited 
by the Italians. Hooded dashboard in- 
struments, red warning lights thar go on 
when the doors are open, rear-window 
wipers are all ancient notions. The door 
extending into the roof of a very low 
car, the pillarless sedan, the pillarless 
windshield, the red-over headlights — 
all arc old, well-used Italianate ideas. 

Individual custom creation is а rarity 
today. Even Pininfarina docs not carc to 
do more than half a dozen of these a 
year, and the clients thus favored will 
be selected with great care. Merely to 
have the money isn't enough: they must 
be persons of distinction whose posses- 
sion of the will be noted. Heads of 
state are favored — but not just any 
states. Most coachbuilders say that it’s 
impossible to charge an individual client 
ent of the real cost of 
thus cach unit represents a 75- 
percent loss, Custom cars today are made 
Tor corporations. used in ways that allow 
the tremendous costs involved to be 
ten off: as exhibit cars, as design 
ions. and so on. Some idea of the 


is 


spir: 
cost of these items can be formed from 


the 18 months of work that Ghia put 
into the Chrysler Norseman, the car that 
went down with the Andrea Doria 

The category called elaborazione — 


“elabor 


tions" — occupies much time in 
the smaller houses, adept at gi 
standard car a new look at prices the 
owners сап face without shuddering; but 


ng a 


it is the creation of designs for the big 
manufacturers that returns reputation 
and profit. The national origin of an av 
tomobile gives no real indication of the 
origin of its body design: German, 
French, British, Swedish, Japanese cars 
by the dozen wear Itali: Of cars de- 
signed and built by individual carr 
zerie, a production of 30 to 50 a day is 
thought to be a good many—the big- 
gest. Pininfarina, turned out 14,132 last 
year — but the total of cars built around 
the world to Italian design would run 
into the millions. They may range in 
price from under $2500 for a VW Kar- 
mann-Ghia to over $20,000 for a 
Super America. 

Ther € a dozen Ital 
and coachbuilders famed 
world — Michelotti, Viotti, Scion 
vio, Boneschi, Moretti, besides 
Vignale, Tour nd the rest — but it is 
Battista Pininfarina who means the most. 


His name was changed in 1961 with the 
warm and paternal consent of the Italian 
government. 

public 


‘The President of the Re- 
„in consideration of the high 
nd s of Batt 
s entitled him to take 
nfarina, this being 
the prestigious name of the indusuy 
created by him, well known and appreci- 
ated in Italy and throughout the rest of 
the word.” Battista Pininfarina 
today laden with honors, friend of presi- 
dents and kings, member of the Royal 
Academy of Arts. He has retired from the 
active direction of his firm— his son. 
Sergio, and his son-in-law, Renzo Carli, 
are in charge. but his stamp is large in 
the history of the automobile. Among a 
score of his works which may be cited, 
there is his 1951 Cisitalia, chosen to 
represent the best of all post War designs 
in the now-legendary Museum of Mod- 
em Art show. 

It was Pininfariua who formulated the 
law that a motorcar body should have, 
first, elegance of line, second, comfort, 
and third, good penetration — an eth- 
cient aerodynamic shape. Almost anyone 
can create а car body (and before and 
just after the last war, almost anyone 
did) that will be striking-looking at first 
псе (but not five years afterw. 
and perfectly comfortable for a bald ma 
five feet tall. To evolve a body that 
permanently beautiful, comfortabl 
that will of itself add ten miles 
to the speed of the ch 
this is something else again. 

Pir s stated the m; 
succinctly: “The interrelation berws 
the body of a beautiful woman and that 
of a Farinadesigned car is that both 
have simplicity and harmony of line, so 
that when they are old one can still see 
how beautiful they were when they were 


young.” 
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HOW DID IT EVER 


kinds of people the public wants to see. 
Gentlemen, we've got to think menial.” 

Well, Larry, it was the first time that 
day that the sun broke through the 
clouds. Mr. Hunge crossed to the con- 
ference table and sat dow 

“Gentlemen,” he said, “I see a milk- 
man ...I see a milkman with a couple 
of finelooking Protestant children and 
a fine-looking Protestant wife. I see this 
milkman as being just an ordinary av- 
erage-looking guy with something about 
him that’s unforgettable. I scc him work- 
ing, having fun, going to church — I see 
him laughing and I see him crying. But 
most important, gentlemen, I see him 
delivering the milk.” Mr. Hunge smiled. 
“Js anybody with me yet?” he asked. 

1 had to confess that, although I 
thought it was a great idea so far, I 
didn’t catch the over-all drift. 

“When do milkmen deliver the milk?” 
Mr. Hunge asked. 

“In the carly morning," I said. 
Exactly,” Mr. Hunge pinpointed. 
"And that's what our milkman docs. He 
goes from house to house, into home 
after home, every single morning. And 
what are the people doing in their 
homes in the early morning? They're 
eating break! па what will they be 
cating for breakfast, every single show, 
week after week, month after month, be- 
fore the eyes of millions of people?” 

“Pancakes!” I exclaimed. 
ame, set, match," said Mr. Hunge. 

Now, Larry, I know that “genius” is 
a word that's bandied about all too 
often. But in my opinion, Mr. Hunge's 
idea comes very close to being just that. 

Naturally, the final decision is up to 
you, and all of us down here at Som- 
mer & Hunge are most anxious to get 
your reaction. 


Sincerely, 
Horace 


Monday, May 30 
Dear Horace, 

I have always said you could tell every- 

i eed to know about a man by 
— consequently, 
your inspired and inspiring letter came 
as no surprise. In these days of creeping 
socialism and increased tation 
and mechanization, it is gratifying to 
know that man may still harvest his liv- 
ing in the high, Parnassian reaches of 
pure creative thought. 

In my op the milkman notion is 
absolutely brilliant, and any product 
that sponsors it should sell like hotcakes. 
Any product, that is, except hotcakes, or 
at least Happy D'Arquce hotcakes. You 
sce, Horace, ig point of 
all Happy D'Arquec mixes is that they 
are made with Never milk. In 
fact, just between us chickens, if the 


water. 


172 housewife slips and does use milk — it is, 


(continued from page 117) 


frankly, disaster. The lactic acid in milk 
sets up a chain reaction with our 
patented rising agent, FRB-9, and the re- 
sulting batter will rapidly swell to un- 
wieldy proportions and disintegrate, in 
what amounts to a small explosion, right 
there in the kitchen. So you can under- 
stand why the milkman is no friend to 
Happy D'Arquee and why he is the last 
functionary on the American scene with 
whom we should involve ourselves! 

With this in mind, Horace, I know 
you won't think me arbitrary when I 
ask you and your team to resct the traps, 
so to speak, and catch me a different 
breed of cat. 


Yours sincerely, 
Larry 
Thursday, June 2 
Dear Larty, 

We have a motto down here at Som- 
mers & Hunge —"If at first you don't 
succeed, try, try agai Well, Larry, 
that’s just exactly what we've done. As 
soon as your ietter came, I called a meet- 
ing of all the people who had be 
on the frst conference g Mr. 
Hunge himself. I can't remember just 
who it was who got the ball rolling, but. 
in half an hour or less that conference 
room was a tinderbox of original 
thought. There is nothing more exciting 
to watch, Larry, than the group creative 
process in action. We didn't call it а day 
seven that ht, and then next 
, bright and carly, we were back 
At about four tl afternoon, it 
came to us in a flash. For the rest of the 
day we pruned, polished and improved, 
and by nine o'clock that night we had 
it in shape to submit to you. And so 
with a grateful tip of the thinking cap 
to my colleagues, here is a résumé: 

Imagine, if you will, a tough, hard-bit- 
ten private detective along the lines of 
Humphrey Bogart—namewise, suppose 
we try on something like Jim Change. 
For years Jim has been the most sought- 
after private detective in the business. 
Now, however, as the opens, Jim 
has decided to call it quits. He's going 
to give up the old life and devote him- 
self full time to his real love — you'll 
never guess it, Larry — cooking. He buys 
a diner with the money h ved and 
becomes a short-order cook. 

For a while, everything goes along all 
ni Jim cooks, the riffraff eat, and 
everyone is happy. One day, however, 
an FBI man comes to see Jim behind 
the counter, “The Fucello gang are back 
in town,” the FBI man says 

“How does that affect me?” Jim asks. 

“We need your help,” the FBI man 
says, “you're the only man who can put 
them behind bars.” 

“I'm a shortorder cook these days, 
Jim says. "And that’s all. 


at it 


5 


Well, they argue back and forth for 
a few minutes, the FBI man saying how 
much they need him and Jim stacking 
pancakes and saying he's an ordinary 
short-order cook and he wants to keep it 
that way. But finally Jim agrecs, and 
there you've got the cornerstone of your 
format, Larry — short-order cook by day, 
hard- ng detective by night. 

"The very next evening, right after he 
has cleared the griddle, Jim straps on 
his 45 and goes out looking lor the 
Fucello gang. It doesn't take long for 
him to find them, or rather, for them to 
find him. In fact, he is taken. prisoner 
and carried off to an abandoned ware- 
house near the railroad tracks which is 
the gang's headquarters. They tic him 
to the tracks and leave. We fade out оп 
Jim struggling with his ropes as the wail 
of a train is heard in the distance. 

The next scene takes place in the 
hospital. Jim is in bed, unconscious. 
Standing anxiously by are а doctor and 
the FBI man. Slowly, Jim comes to. 

"Where am I?” he asks. 

"In the hospital,” says the FBI man. 
‘What's the damage?" Jim ask: 

“You're going to be all right, 
doctor says. "There's just one t 
you didn’t quite get out of the way in 
time — you've lost both hands.” 

“That makes two things,” Jim says. 

“We're going to give you the shi 
new pair of hands you ever saw,” 
doctor ably. 


the 


"We're all son 
ту 
g on the case. 


you won't be continui 


Jim Change smiles а wry, hard smile. 
чи 


be continuing on the case, all 
he says. “Forget the artifi 
hands, doc— just fit me out with a р 
of spatula 

In ten days’ time Jim is back on the 
job— both jobs — with a glistening spat- 
ula at the end of each arm. During 
the day he employs them in the endless 
scrape and turn of shortorder cooking, 
but at night — at night, Larry — they be- 
come dreaded, razor-cdged instruments 
of the law. 

In my humble opinion, Larry, you 
couldn't ask for a fresher, more origi 
format for a detective-adventure series 
—and I know you couldn't ask for a 
more direct, more literal tie-in between 
product and. hero. 

But again, the final decision 
and again, all of us down here 
mers & Hunge are ма 
action, 


al 


yours, 
t Som- 
g for your re 


Sincerely, 
Horace 


4 JUNE SATURDAY 
JIM CHANGE I5 JIM DANDY STOP AUTHORIZE 
YOU TO MECOTIATE PRIME EVENING TIME 
UPCOMING SEASON STOP HEARTIFST CON- 
GRATULATIONS TO YOU AND REST OF CREA- 
TORS = LARRY 

Ba 


PLAYBOY FORUM (continued from page 51) 


from The Ottawa Citizen of October censorship problem in our arca. [For the 


22, 1063 [reprinted below] quoting 
Knights of Columbus ойи 


а clipping, sce below.] 


al who boasts l was so incensed at the audacity of 


of having succeeded in getting a noted their move that I became one of the hun- 


author fired from his m: 


zine job b 


cause he happened to write а story with — manded to know who had 


which the K. С. ‘disagreed. 
To me, and many others, this 


sickening: it is one sure way to turn pa 


non-Catholics inst the Church. 


KNIGHTS USED INFLUE: 
TO GET BERTON DISMISSED 
Oshawa (CP) — Writer Pierre Ber 
ton was dismissed from his $26,000- 
ayear job with Maclean's Magazine 
because of influence of the Knights 
of Columbus and other organiz 
tions, claims Vincent Kelly, provin- 
state deputy for the Roman 
Catholic group. 

Speaking at a Columbus Day dii 
ner, Mr. Kelly, an Ottawa high- 
school teacher, said: "This is one 
example of where we have power. 

He said the Knights of Columbus 
took action against Mr. Berton after 
he wrote a column “uying to pro- 
mote premarital sex relations.” 

Mr. Berton's column in the May 
18 edition of Maclean's declared: 

“We had better make the best of 
the fact that teenaged sex is here to 
stay and that we adults have been 
helping to build the kind of society 
in which it flourishes. We have fash- 
ioned a world in which ‘popularity’ 
is the pinnacle to which every youth 
aspires and then we have managed 
to equate sexiness with popularity. 
And we have sold this package to 
the kids for straight commercial 


gain." 

Mr. Kelly told fellow Knights: 

“The press is the greatest instru- 
ment for the distribution of filth 
the world today. Salacious lita 
available today is 100-percent worse 
than we had to deal with 10 years 

о. 

Liule men with dirty minds are 
uying to foist dirty literature on 
young minds, The Knights must be 
ready to fight these evils.” 

From his home in Kleinberg, Ont., 
Mr. Berton said the Knights won't 
achieve their aim against s: 
literature by stifling discussion of 
the subject. They must attack the 
roots of the problem, which he had 
wied to raise. 


Ross Heidman 
Ottawa, Ontar 


Enclosed is a dipping from di 
joshen (Indiana) News of Th 
October 3, 1963, which b 


e- dreds who called Wednesday night. I de- 
cn WNDU 
the right to cancel а show deemed suit- 

is able by the National Broadcasting Com- 
I was informed that the station 
manager had called the studio and in- 
structed the engincers to discontinue the 
broadcast. This one man decided at 
10:30 in the evening that the viewers 
in his area were not mature cnough to 
select their televised entertainment. 

Is this another step toward total cen- 
sorship in our society? 

WNDU CUTS OFF NBC'S 
SHOWING OF “11TH HOUR" 
South Bend, Ind. (AP) — The Uni- 

versity of Notre Dame's television 

station . . . cut off NBC's hour-long 

drama, The Eleventh Hour, half- 
ay through the program Wednes- 
day night, deciding that it was in 
poor taste. 


io 


he 
у, 


The drama . . . dealt with а house- 
wife's problems with sexual frigidity. 

"Ehe Roman Catholic school’s tele- 
vi: station stafí said thc switch- 
board was besieged with telephone 
calls today, most of them from 
wers disagreeing with the deci- 
n 

WNDU-TV operations manager 
. . . Said the station manager . . . 
decided to stop the showing of the 
program immediately after the 
housewife told of a fictional pre- 


Stuart A. Gruber 
Elkhart, Indiana 


You are to be congratulated on your 
recent editorial exposing the wue nature 
of the “decent literature” organizations. 
In Connecticut. this association for 
intellectual strangulation poses as a non- 
sectarian group of private citizens 
striving to cleanse the drugstores of por- 
nography. To realize this is an extension 
of Roman Catholic opinion came as a 
surprise to me; but this subterfuge is 
not unusual, particularly here їп the 

ач. 


“It happens every time I reach for my shoulder holster.” 


173 


PLAYBOY 


174 


Heraldry 


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No doubt your office will be subject 
to ed h and pressure 
from the Catholic clergy because of your 
enlightenment. Rest assured there are 
hordes of readers who support your 
views, and who owe you a debt of grat 
tude for your recent editorials. 

Kenneth С. Zaramba 
Tolland, Connecticut 


assment 


RESISTANCE IN NEW YORK 

Until recently, I was the proprietor of 
a newsstand in а small town in Upstate 
New York, Having just read The Playboy 
Philosophy (Nove 
gratulate you for а courageous and well- 
written article. 

When I was in the business, ап NODL. 
list fell into my hands. 1 was shocked 
to find that two thirds of my magazine 
and paperback stock would have been 
en ed had 1 complied with the 
NODL demands. 

Iw lled upon several times by 
local NODI. intimidators to eliminate 
several books and magazines (PLAYBOY 
included) from my racks. They use in- 
teresting tactic id a partner who 
was a. Catholic with several children in 
the local Catholic school. He was under 
constant pressure to remove certain 
books. As a former Catholic, 1 had noth- 
ing to lose religiously by telling those 


1 want to cor 


aber 


phonies to get lost. Which 1 did. Which 
they did. 


1 was not bothered thi 

у п stand and пог having 
any relig, ilities, they could not 
force me to knuckle under. The group 
1 knocked heads with was supposedly 
nondenomii , but 1 only encoun 
tered Catholic members. 

Give the 
would be 


iurch its own м id we 
k in the Tenth Century. 
Richard Celso 
Newark, New York 


u 


THE ROLE OF THE CHURCH 
for т.лувоу! I'm a practicing 
Jatholic with an unde who is 
„ап aunt who is a Benc- 
who is a 
en with this 


religious brother. E: 
ground, 1 thoroughly agree with Editor- 
Publisher He jews. as outlined in 
Part XU of The Playboy Philosophy. 
лев J. Hayden 
Duluth, Minnesota 


Thanks for The Playboy Philosophy 
your November issue: at ket a de- 
tailed and factual account of Catholic 
tactics has been presented i 
publication. 

Roman Catholic censorship 
aim for decency, but what i 
concerned about is whether a thing plugs 
or downgrades Catholicism. Jf it puts 
Catholicism in a good light it is moral, 
but if it tells the truth about it, then it 
is obscene. Paul Blanshard (who wrote 


ic superb American Freedom and Cath- 
olic Power) has written: "Our first task 
is to break the current taboo against any 
frank discussion of the ‘Catholic ques- 
tion’ and establish a free flow of ideas.” 
The Playboy Philosophy is doing just 
this. 


(Name withheld on request) 
Richmond, Virginia 


T have just finished reading your No- 
vember Playboy Philosophy and as a 
Catholic I agree heartily with your views. 
Everyone is capable of judging for him- 
sell what in his opinion is right or 
wrong. | am now serving my county, 
nd it distr ı that certain 
groups and individuals are trying to take 
ay our rights to free speech and to a 
free press. These rights have been fought 
for and won for us by many brave men. 
No person or group should try to dc- 
prive us of this right solely for his own 
self-satisfaction, Just as they are entitled 
to the freedom to read and say what they 
choose, so they should not try to interfere 
with this freedom in oth 

Anthony G. Grucrio 
tickell 
New York 


12th installment 
All h the new 


In reference 10 the 
of your Philosophy 
undercover inquisition! The saintly friars 
have put away thei burning faggots 
ad torture implements and have gone 
underground. Since they can no longer 
imprison our bodies, they seek to de- 
prive us and our children of any dis- 
senting ideas. This is the same type of 


depraved thinking that leads to a world 
as pictured by Orwell in 1984. 
While these groups may not be at 


tempting to take control of the American 
people, they are certainly paving the way 
tocratic government. Censorship, 
a weed, it either must grow or 
ie. The group of bigots hiding behind 
motherhood, children and the flag, are 
uying to destroy what they are sup- 
posedly protecti 
We feel, as р nd is, 
that groups such as these must be stopped 
from destroying that which so many have 
‘d Гог. We congratulate you, on be- 
ї of alf thinking Americans. 
Mr. and Mrs. С. E. Heyen 

New York, New York 


Americ 


ar 


A LUTHERAN SPEAKS 

Congratulations on your 
stand against censorship. You've asked 
Tor reat deal of trouble, and you will 
surely get it; strength to you in fighting 
and winning. 

Naturally, I do not share PrAYsOY's 
s of sex and mariage, though not 
for the reasons you might assume. Mo- 
rality in and of itself i her here nor 
there; only when morality at a high 


courageous 


level is born of understanding of s 
and marriage as a. purposeful divine in- 
stitution has it any meaning, and such an 
understanding comes not by the appli- 
cation of scissors to film and paper, but 
by the encounter of the free spirit. with 
the spirit of Christ. 

Whether or not | agree with your 
views, you have the right to express and 
defend them, and in defending them to 
speak for freedom at a time in our n. 
history when freedom is becoming 
extinct. Only if the dissenting view in 
цей Iree expression 
у view have significance. 

I oppose your philosophy. But I hope 
that you will win your case, and that 
your freedom to express your philoso- 
phy will thereafter never be seriously 
questioned. Otherwise, "freedom" will 
become a hollow word in America. 

Reverend Arthur M. Hale, Pastor. 
Resurrection Lutheran Church 
Avon Park, Florida 

Reverend Hale's is the sort of enlight- 
cned opposition we will always welcome. 
Our fight will be won when all our op- 
ponents share his dissenting dignity, and 
his point of view on freedom. 


BOOTLEG AND BOYCOTT 
I looked for your Novem uc on 
the magazine rack at the Food G 
grocery store in Hawthoi Шог 
but couldn't find it. While purchasi 
beer and cigarettes at the liquor counter, 
I asked the clerk about it, and was told 
that “the P.T.A. and the churches have 
got PrAYBoY banned from public sight.” 
However, he had copies under the coun- 
ter, and sold me one. It seems a little 
age that booze amd ci 
Пу displayed, but that riaysoy i 
bootlegged. 


Louis H. 
Hawthorne, California 


I have just finished reading The 
Playboy Philosophy tor November 1963, 
and am now involved iu a situation 
which may be of interest to you. 

In late September I visited a local 
stationery store and picked up James 
Baldwin's Another Country. The pro- 
prietor told me: “If you want that book, 
it's a good thing you picked it up today, 
because it goes oll the stands tomorrow." 
1 questioned. hin 
local Decent. Literature 
black-listed the book. Thinking the m: 
had been misinformed, I went home 
and called the committee, and. was even 
more shocked at some of thi niswers, 
When I asked when the committee meet: 
ings had been held, 1 was informed that 
the meetings were closed to the public. 
When I called the priest in charge of 
this с 


па discovered that a 
iommittee had 
n 


mpaign I was told that: "Non- 


ve no rights ex 
Commandments," 
ay is poisonous is poi 


ept to obey 
and "What 
mous to all 


we 


human beings, not just to Catholi 

That afternoon I put my two young 
sons to nap and, armed with the Ameri- 
сап Civil Liberties Union annual report, 
wrote a letter to the local paper, which 
a ted ou. October E 
1 town. A commi 
formed, which will meet with the Human 
Relations Council of West Essex in an 
attempt to enlist their support. 1 have 
appealed to the ACLU of New Jersey, 
aud our group is preparing ап appeal 
to the Ministerial Association of West 
Essex. 

While this was going on, the mer- 

nts of our town received yet another 
directive from the Decent Literature 
Committee: “Although the enclosed 
NODL list states, as usual, publications 
disapproved for youth, we do not stop 
there. Our policy is that you do not sell 
objectionable publications to anyone, 
child or adult.” (Italics their 
Rita D'Joseph 
dwell, New Jersey 


We have commented earlier on the 


censors’ pet ploy of branding books 
unfit “for youth” and then using this 


interdiction to keep them from the hands 
of adults as well—a technique which, if 
extended to its illogical extreme, would 
reduce all literature to the level of 
Mother Goose. 


CENSORSHIP IN THE THIRD REICH 

L have just finished your November 
installment of The Playboy Philosophy 
nd found it most thought-provoking, as 
were the others. 
Thirty years ago, on 
933, the Reich Press Law was instituted 
ı the Third Reich. History has recorded 
the effects of the introduction and exe- 
ation; now the Third 
h has come and gone, but the ideas 
and world view which permitted its 
birth still survive. 

For those naive individuals who think 
a similar situation could not occur in 


October 4, 


"It's not entirely worthless, miss, but I 
suggest you keep things quite platonic.” 


175 


PLAYBOY 


176 


the United States, one need only review 
recent events surrounding Government 
press policies, and situations like 
rLaysoy’s Mansfield incident, to see that 
there are tendencies paralleling the 
Third Reich experiment now operative 
here in the States. 

For supplemental reading I would sug- 
gest that all of your readers (including 
your more avid but rabid ones: Lawler, 
Melaniphy, Keating, Berry, the Chicago 
police force, et al.) take time out to 
real William L. Shirers The Rise and 
Fall of the Third Reich; especially the 
four-page account beginning on page 
244, subtilled: The Control of Press, 
Radio, Films. 

Adolf Hitler, fanatic that he was, Jaid 
the blueprint for his actions in Mein 
Kamp] in 1995. Mr, Shirer thorough- 
ly illustrates the resulting tragic compli- 
cations. All of these events occurred in 


the socalled modern world, and hope- 
fully all of us will profit from their 
lesson. 
У. R. Martin 
Stuart, Florida 


AN ELEPHANT STORY 

‘Asan independent film producer (and 
our film, The Fume of Poppies, will be 
made without getting a Motion Picture 
Production Code Seal), I have followed 
your series on. The Playboy Philosophy 
ith great interest. I seriously believe it 
will go down with David Riesman's 
The Lonely Growd аз one of the most 
important social documents of our time. 

I want to applaud your efforts on be- 
half of all of us to promote the ideas 
of due process of law to the perfervid 
minority of book burners and. suppres- 
sors. 

Your November 1963 article contained 
some references to Bernard O'Connell of 
New York City, certainly one of the 
most dangerous of the band of se 
pointed czars of mores in the United 
States, The reason is that by arrant mis- 
use of his position as license commis- 


sioner he has a terrible power over tha 
which is said upon the Broadway stage. 

Are you aware that he can close any 
Broadway play in five minutes by re- 
moving the license of the theater? In 


doing this, however, he has not one 
shred of ba: law — to my knowledge 
there is nothing in the statutes which 
empowers the license commissioner in 
the city of New York to pass upon what 
may be said on the stage; he just does 
it, from time to time, and such is the 
economic fear of the theater owner that 
O'Connell always pressures the producer 
into knuckling under. 

Although it was grotesquely laughable 
(albeit expensive for you to fight) when 

р wardian of public 
mores objected to the Bunny costumes 
—and you were quite i 
the matter in such a way as to make him 
blossom forth as ridiculously as he is — 
it is even more serious that this one 
reactionary, repressed bureaucrat can so 
exceed his office as to singlehandedly 
censor the great, free Broadway theater. 

I would like to cite an incident that 
will make you smile (though sadly) at 
his antics: 

During the opening-night perform- 
ance of the play Cat on a Hot Tin 
Roof by Tennessee Williams, the char- 
acter of Big Daddy (played by Burl 
Ives) had a mildly blue story to tell. 
This incident in the play was to show 
Big Daddy deliberately annoying his 
conventional family by telling them a 
slightly off-color story and making them 
wonder if he were going to use a “bad” 
word. From time to time, Big Daddy 
would stop the story and say, “Fm tell- 
ing this nice now, ain't E" and they 
would have to agree. 

The story the playwright had Big 
Daddy tell was the ancient one about the 
father, the mother and the little boy at 
the elephant cage at the zoo. The little 
boy is fascinated by the clephant's penis 
and asks mother what it is. The 
mother, embarrassed, says, “It’s noth- 
ing,” and walks away. The litle boy 
asks his father, who tells him the 
swer. "Why," asks the little boy, "did 
Mama say it was nothing?” "Your 
mother is spoiled, son," says the father. 

So help me, I first heard this story 
when I was a 12-year-old Boy Scout and, 
obviously, so has everyone else. The 
opening night of Cat, directed by Elia 
жаз one of the most memorable 
theater evenings in our time. It was 
obvious, at the end of the performance, 
that the play would be a historic one 
and, indeed, it was awarded the Pulitzer 
p cs Circle Award as 
the best play of the ycar; got rave no- 
tices from all the critics who wrote their 
notices from the opening-night per- 
formance which, of course, contained 
the “elephant story.” 

Enter Mr. O'Connell, who informed 
the theater the next day that unless this 
“obscene story” were removed from the 
play by the next performance, he would 
pull the license of the theater — and on 


am- 


the ground of safety to the public! In 
other words, if the story were left in the 
play, the theater would become an un- 
safe place for the public to congregate, 
if it were removed the theater 
арісаПу become safe again. 

It was a crystal-clear case. The city 
could be sued and Mr. O'Connell could 
be sued personally, too. Most of us who 
knew the situation, relished the thought 
that at last this fearful misuse of power 
would be done away with in the courts 
and obliterated in a healthy blast of 
publicity. 

Alas, such was the turn of mind of the 
theater owners and the producers that 
they pressured Mr. Williams and they 
all knuckled under to Mr. O'Conncll's 
neuroses — the offending story was re 
moved from the play. 

The importance of your fight against 
this man is а very meaningful one and 
has implications far beyond your own 
brief. If you hit him hard enough per- 
haps the license commissioner of New 
York City (and І mean any future ones, 
too) will no longer seck to censor illegally 
the Broadway stage. 

Please continue to fight the good fight. 

Theodore J. Ritter 
New York, New York 


where. 


would 


CENSORSHIP IN INDIA 

1 have been reading with interest The 
Playboy Philosophy, most particularly 
those portions referring to censorship 
in the United States. Being an attorney, 
aware of the rather liberal guidelines 
which have been set down by our Su- 
preme Court, I am disturbed when I 
read of individuals being arrested or 
prosecuted for alleged violations of the 
law which would not begin to approach 
a breach of the mandate set down by 
the highest court of our land. 

For those who would have our reading 
matter reduced to that suitable for the 
average 12-year-old and who justify cen- 
sorship in that manner, [ enclose a 
dipping [below] taken from last week's 
New York Times. И we permit censor- 
ship in any form, we leave the door open 
to, among other things, political censor- 
ship as shown in this news item. 


INDIAN EDITORS ARRESTED 
UNDER DE ZENSORSHIP 
Two editors of spaper in 
Nagpur in central India were ar- 
rested Thursday for publishing a re- 
port “prejudicial under the defense 
of India rules" according to a report 
reaching here today. 

The proprictor of the paper, who 
is away from the city, will be ar- 
rested on his return, the report 
added. 

The defense of India rules were 
invoked in the emergency following 


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m Gil TR = um 


“By the time we get everything off we'll be old enough . 


the Chinese Communist. attack Last 
fall. The “prejudicial” news was said 
to be a report concerning the death 
of a policeman. 


"Thomas К. J. Tuso 
Vineland, New Jersey 


THEOLOGICAL DEBATE 

In probing the roots of our archaic 
attitudes toward censorship, sex and 
morality, PLAYuoy has often pointed an 
accusing finger at religion, | resent the 
way Hefner lumps all churches and 
sects together under the headi 

and then casts reli, a 
s role, Not all churches agree with 
h other on these issues; some are as 
liberal as Hefner, doing all they can to 
protect individual rights. Hundreds of 
clergymen are searching for 
to old problems as our society changes. 
Does Hefner think he is alone in his 
search? He should sit in оп a seminary 
discussion of the Church's position on 
sex and morality. Such a discussion, I'd. 
suspect, would open his eyes. If Hefner 
is going to accuse a religion, then let 
him accuse one by name. Perhaps I've 
missed something he’s written, but [ 
can't remember having seen a particular 
church or a particular church leader ac 
cused by name. And let us not accuse 
religion of censorship. It is the various 
government ag not religion, which 
enforce the laws. It is men who are rep: 
resenttives of the people, the 


ligion 


ew answers 


ncics, 


not 


Church, who pass the laws. If they say 
they're churchmen, that's their business. 
goes to a church, 
the 


Just because a ma 
that doesn't mean he speaks for 
Church. 

If Hefner is for the liberal 
sex mores (Is it true that he 1 
personal harem?), or for liberal 
sorship laws, or for no religious influ- 
ence on government, then who is to 
d children against the real pornog- 
raphy that is circulated, or who is to 
ге for the illegitimate children and the 
broken families, or who is to speak out 
against the graft, corruption, and self- 
sceking in government that such a policy 
may bring? The Church cannot sepa- 
ate itself from these issues amy more 
ate themselves from 


than men can sepa 
the truth of God. 

The Church through the centuries has. 
often been the sole champion of the 
people in the fight for personal rights 
and high moral standards. It has tried 
1o see beyond present expediency to the 
truths of the ages. The Church searches. 
for eternal nswers while PLAYBOY 
seeks the answers for the present. It is 
natural that these two quests will often 
conflict. 

I suspect that the reason the religions 
of the world have lasted so long is that 
they have answered man’s problems bet- 


ter than anyone clse — because they have 
grappled with eternity. Perhaps Mr. Hef- 
ner will understand this when he too 
has been around for a few centu 
1G. Law 


1 Semin 
Westminster, Maryland 

Your observation, “Perhaps Гое missed 
something he's written,” would appear to 
be something of an understatement. Far 
from lumping all churches and sects to- 
gether and casting them in а villain's 
role, Hefner has discussed the specific ses 
standards of each of the three major U.S. 
religions—Protestant, Catholic and Jew- 
ish (“The Playboy Philosophy,” January 
1964), and traced the historical ovigins 
of religious antisexualism in both Chris- 
tianity and. Judaism [rom early Rome to 
the present day (August and September, 
1963); Hefner contrasted the antisexual- 
isin of St. Paul with the essentially na- 
turalistic teachings of Christ, dealt in 
detail with the manner in which St. 
Paul's views were extended and rein- 
forced beyond all belief by the medieval 
Church, and then grew into ап antagon- 
ism toward all pleasure with John Gal- 
иту Puritanism after the Reformation. 
The "Philosophy" has also called atten- 
tion to the more liberal views on sexual 
morality being expressed by a number of 
contemporary religious leaders (July 
1963 and January 1964) and stated that 
these dedicated men of God are among 
the most outspoken opponents of Amer- 
ican Puritanism and our antisexual 
heritage derived from the Middle Ages. 

We do not believe that religion should 
be wholly separated from secular life, or 
cease its criticism of those aspects of so- 
ciety of which it disapproves, organized 


religion should have as free a voice as 
every other individual or group in our 
democracy. But the government should 
reflect and protect the views of all of its 
citizens and should be free, as guaran- 
teed by our Constitution, of any church- 
state alliance. 

History does not support your conten- 
tion that “the Church through the cen- 
turies has often been the sole champion 
of the people in the fight for personal 
rights”; individual rights have been won 
by the people themselves, not infrequent- 
ly over the opposition of established re- 
ligion and government. And what you 
refer to as the “high moral standards” 
historically supported by the Church 
have too often been simply a perpetua- 
tion of the religious dogma of a particu- 
lar sect. 

Our own philosophy is not based upon 
any “present expediency,” but upon a 
firm belie] in the underlying principles 
of our democracy and the conviction that 
a more enlightened, rational approach to 
contemporary problems will produce 


more effective solutions in the future 
than we have managed to find in the 
past and will give us a healthier, hap- 
pier society. 


The October issue of PLAYBOY was the 
first I have ever read; it will not be the 
last. I believe that The Playboy Philoso- 
phy could ultimately destroy our culture 
because it docs not develop virtue, which 
I define as the essence of man — that 
which is to be desired in all men, 
morally good. and is necessary in the 
preservation of culture. Self-respect, jus- 
tice, and consideration arc a few quali- 
ties of virtue. 

Man first exists on this carth and uti- 
lizes only his instincts. Through his ex 
periences, he then acquires knowledge 
which aids him in developing his per- 
sonality, controlling his instincts, defi 
ing himself, and thereby gaining his 
essence. 

The Playboy Philosophy causes man 
to exist only, because it does not cn- 
courage control of his sexual instincts. 
By adh ciples, man is 
inhibited. allowed to appease 
his sexual desires without regard to wh: 
Freud calls the “instinctual renunci: 
tions nposed by culture. Each indi- 
vidi is free to do what he wan 
without respecting or considering his 
fellow men. Man lives an animallike 
fe. 


‚ The Playboy 
Philosophy threatens to destroy ош 
cultur 

Although I disagree with your philos- 
ophy, 1 feel that everyone should have 
the opportunity to read your magazine. 
Your editorials and stories give the 
reader an occasion to strengthen his own 
philosophy, or develop one if he has 
none. I 


enjoyed reading pLavnoy 


because it filled a definite purpose: it 
made me think. 
Charles John Amsterdam, Priest 


Latter-day Saints 
Beverly Hills, California 

Nothing in the October issue warrants 
your assertion. that PLAYBOY favors an 
amoral or totally uninhibited society; a 
more extensive reading of “The Playboy 
Philosophy” should convince that 
what we do favor is a morality based 
upon reason rather than superstition, 
with the welfare of the individual as its 
primary goal. By your own definition, 
PLAYBOY is on the side of “virtue,” since 
self-respect, justice and consideration of 
the individual ате the very essence of our 
concept of a rational morality. 

Far from being destructive, a free and 
continuing criticism of contemporary 
standards is the best guarantee of prog. 
ress and the great advantage that a free 
society has over a controlled onc. 


you 


179 


PLAYBOY 


“But isn't this the castle that has the mean dog?" 


JOY OF LIFE 

То those who write in to tell you what 
a filthy, rotten, national disaster your 
magazine is: If they don't like it, why 
do they read it? This magazine was not 
meant for the readers of Ladies’ Home 
Journal! Im sick and tired of self. 
ppointed guardians of public morals 
and other people's tastes. 

And I'm impatient and irritated by 
people who think that love is something 
so limited, so puny, so quantitative, that 
it has to be carefully hoarded for 
chosen little group. None of them r 
that it is something so illimitable 
infinite that there is room, in each one of 
us, for innumerable kinds of it for 
numerable people. And 1 don't mean 
love in the abstract—the kind that cer- 
tain Christians feel when they send 
missionaries overseas to “help” people 
with whom they would not dream of 
associating if such people were their 
neighbors. 

What is the matter with us thar we 
have spurned the shcer, exalted, fervent 
joy of life? When we sce a person going 


180 down the street singing, we feel embar- 


таей, and think he must either be 
drunk or an imbecile! We have become 
so blasphemously inhibited and scared 


of nature and reality that we don't even 
dare to let those few who still live (i 


stead of merely єх! 
that they live in 

The people who condemn you are 
those who are afraid that somehow, some 
way, you will be able to drag some more 
of the walking dead into life, They re- 
sent it because they themselves long ago 
Jost the capacity to enter that world. 
Because they are unable to enter it, they 
deny its validity—just like the fox in 
Aesop's Fables who told himself that the 
grapes he couldn’t reach were sour. 

I hate the human race for what it in- 
sists on doing to itself. I love it for all 
that it can be. And every time I meet 
someone, I hope that he or she already is 
at least on his/her way to becoming what 
he/she can bc—for those people I greet 
with joy. 1 trust that qualifies me to be 
one of your fans. 

Arda К. Romain 
Minneapolis, Minnesota 
Indeed й does! Welcome, Mrs. Romain. 


ing) enjoy the world 


WORTHY CAUSE 

Editor-Publisher Hefner is to be 
lauded for the November installment of 
The Playboy Philosophy. 1t requires not 
only courage, but also true concern for 
the rights of others to speak out against 
bigotry and injustice perpetrated in the 
name of goodness. Our self-appointed 
censors are actively working toward the 
enslavement of men’s minds; the nobility 
of thei tentions, if it exists at all, is 
not at issue. 

There are far too few media with the 
guts to speak out against these abridge- 
ments of our freedom, fearing reprisals 
from the censors and the organizations 
they represent. In speaking the truth 
about these organized guardians of our 
souls, it is certain that you will alienate 
these people, for while they preach love, 
they will not tolerate any viewpoint 
other than their own. Truth is the su- 
preme good, and all the lies, intolerance, 
and ritualistic dogma that man can con 
jure up will never change this. Only 
through truth can man be truly free. 

Gene L. Gauch 
Cincinnati, Ohio 


The Playboy Philosophy for October 
and November is a job well done. Con- 
gratulations! As of now, I have become 
a regular, rather than an occasional, 
PLAYBOY read ven if I did not find 
many hours of enjoyable reading in your 
magazine, 1 feel the money would be 
well spent. For, as I scc it, by contribut- 
ing to the support of »rAvnov I am, in 
a small way, contributing to the support 
of freedom. Keep up the good work. 

C. D. Tiegs 
Huntington Beach, California 


I have just completed the 12th part 
of The Playboy Philosophy (on Sunday, 
in the middle of the Bible Belt, yey. I 
have read rrAvmov [or many years, but 
have never felt the need to write you 
until now. 

I only wish to say that Mr. Hefner 
to be congratulated for his stand in op- 
posing tlie people who wish to rob us of 
our liberties. 1 respect him very much 
for continuing the Philosophy at a time, 
as he says, when it would be much easier, 
and less costly, for him simply to q 
fighting. I am afraid that too many peo- 
ple would look to the dollar, апа com- 
promise thc things they believe in. 

It matters not that I agree or disag 
with Mr. Hefner, but I must respect his 
right to his opinion. If all of us, or a 
majority of us, cease to respect the rights 
and opinions of others, we may as well 
cease to oppose commun and let 
the Russians have this country by de- 
fault. For, after all, if the right to free 
thought and expression does пог separate 


us from Nazi Germany, Communist Rus- 
sia, and other forms of tyranny, what 
then does? 

І have always enjoyed гглувоу, but 
eafter, I will feel compelled to buy it 
cach month, if for no other reason than 
id Mr. Hefner's efforts in behalf of 
тту. 

Norman Е. Adams 
askala, Ohio 


to 
freedom and lil 


LIBERAL CATHOLICISM 

"Thanks for your bravery in writing 
openly and truthfully about the blatant, 
undemocratic, totalitarian, bigoted, in- 
sidious and illegal actions of CDL and 
NODL. The newspapers didn't print 
your side of the Jayne Mansfield story 
and I, for one, was glad to read it, I 
hope you will continue to report to your 
readers subsequent developments in Pub- 
lisher Hefner's trial. 

I disagree with you over only one 
point—I think that there may not be 
liberal Catholics of any consequence 
power in the Church. 

Mrs. С. L. James 
St. Louis, Missouri 

We appreciate your thanks, but dis- 
agree with your bleak appraisal of the 
future of liberal Catholicism. The posi- 
tive (if long overdue) reforms which have 
resulted from Pope Paul's continuation 
of the Ecumenical Councils, as well as 
his recent trip outside the Vatican, both 
attest to the continuing liberalization of 
Church tenets—a trend which, if slow, 
would have been unheard of a gencra- 
tion ago. Many Catholic leaders are con- 
cerned lest the Church itself develop a 
reputation for intolerance and dictator- 
ialism in non-Catholic quarters, because 
of the misguided actions of an overzeal- 
ous few. 


The purpose of this letter is to let 
you and your readers know that all of 
the students at Notre Dame Unive 
do not share the v 
man, Melka, Maas and. Roberto [as ex- 
pressed in a с ary in The 
Playboy Forum of January 1964]. The 
consensus of the people who have read 
your Philosophy is one of respect for 
your forthrightness, We do not always 
agree with what you say, but like Vol- 
taire, we will defend to the death your 
right to say it, You have been an island 
of clear thinking in a sea of confusion 
through censorship. We wish for the con- 
tinued success of your magazine. We 
would also like to add our best wishes for 
the contemporary Aphrodite, Miss Terre 
Tucker. 


al comme! 


Mike Met 
Dick Ken 
Lamy Con 
Notre Dame University 
South Bend, Indiana 


uire, Chuck Sizer, 
n, Russ Storms, 


I have read all of the installments of 
The Playboy Philosophy and agree with 
you in 99 percent of what you say. 

As one born and raised a Catholic, I 
agree with your concern over the unwar- 
ranted actions taken against you by the 
official bigots of Chicago and New Yor 
I was in Rome ошу last week, and ei 
tered St. Peter's shortly after the many 
cardinals and bishops departed from 
one of the Ecumenical meetings. I 


to the point where bigotry will be ban- 


ished. PLAYBOY has made sign 
tributions in the battle for truth, and 1 
trust it will continue to do so. It is most 
regrettable that you cannot take civi 
action against those who arrested and 
harassed you so unjustifiably, and caused 
you so much trouble, wasted time, and 
expense. I await with great interest your 
report on the outcome of your trial, 
T. H. Riley 
Lynn, Massachusetts 
Our sincere thanks for the enlightened 
Catholic voices raised in our behalf. 
Hugh M. Hefner's trial commenced 
on the 19th of last November. If he had 
been found guilty, the maximum penalty 
would have been a $400 fine. Fighting 
the case probably cost 100 times that, 
but Hefner felt the principle of freedom 
of the press involved was more impor- 
tant than the money, and so he fought 
and won. A predominantly female jury 
— which prompted Hefner to comment, 


“T wonder if a jury of eleven women and 
one lone urban male is really a jury of 
my peers” —split seven to five in favor 
of acquittal and ended as а “hung” jury. 
It is technically possible for the Chicago 
Corporation Counsel to retry the case, 
but it scems unlikely that they will, for 
they must have known from the outset 
that the magazine was not obscene and 
that they had no real chance of winning. 

The amount of time and effort con- 
sumed by pretrial preparation and by 
the trial itself made it impossible for 
Hefner to write an installment of “The 
Playboy Philosophy” [or this issue. 

Therefore, we devoted the space nor- 
mally allotted to “Philosophy” and 
“Forum,” to this expanded "Forum, 
presenting a representative cross section 
of the unprecedented flood of mail 
resulting [тот Hefners description of 
his arrest and the shadowy forces behind 
it. 

“The Playboy Philosophy" will be 
resumed in the next issue; Hefner will 
discuss the trial in detail in a future in- 
stallment. 


“The Playboy Forum" offers the oppor- 
tunity for an extended. dialog between 
readers and editors of this publication 
on subjects and issues raised in our con- 
tinuing editorial series, “The Playboy 
Philosophy.” Address all correspondence 
on “Philosophy” or “Forum” to: The 
Playboy Forum, PLAYBOY, 232 E. Ohio 
Street, Chicago, Illinois 60611. 


“ГЇЇ see your five hundred and 
raise you a thousand.” 


181 


PLAYBOY 


182 


PLAYBOY 
READER SERVICE 


Write to Janet Pilgrim for the 
answers to your shopping 
questions. She will provide you 
with the name of a retail store 
in or near your city where you 
can buy any of the specialized 
items advertised or editorially 
featured in PLAYBOY. For 
example, where-to-buy 
information is available for the 
merchandise of the advertisers 
in this issue listed below. 


Johnsonian Shoes 
wodie Pip 


Triumph Snitfire 
Verde Shoes 


Use these lines information about 
other featured merchandise 


Miss Pilgrim will be happy to 
answer any of your other 
questions on The Playboy Advisor, 
fashion, travel, food and drink, 
, etc. If your question 
puike items ERES Saw 
in PLAYBOY, please spe e 
rope E 
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when you write. 


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SELLERS’ LOVERS SUMMER'S FASHIONS 


“YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE”—BEGINNING А NEW JAMES BOND NOVEL 
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“SELLERS MIMES THE MOVIE LOVERS"—A WILD PHOTO PARODY 
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“SPRING AND SUMMER FASHION FORECAST''—PLAYBOY'S SEMI- 
ANNUAL PREVIEW OF WHAT'S AHEAD FOR THE SEASON IN MENS- 
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A CONVERSATION WITH INGMAR BERGMAN—SWEDEN'S ENIG- 
MATIC MASTER OF CINEMA EXPLICATES HIS FILMIC PHILOSOPHY, 
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“PLAYMATES REVISITED—1956"—A PICTORIAL REVIEW OF ALL 
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“YOU COULD ALWAYS HOPE"— А GRAVELY WOUNDED GI PA- 
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“THE FIEND"—A SCIENCE-FICTION FLIGHT CONCERNING AN 
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“SUCKER BETS"—HOW TO SUCCEED IN WAGERING WITHOUT 
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v 


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