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ENTERTAINMENT FOR MEN 


UR&NZS/0 SWKre:50inkioms 


JULY 1967 • 75 CENTS 


[^ 
° "THE GIRLS OF PARIS" 
BEGINNING A NEW ACTION 
NOVEL BY EVAN HUNTER 


ay EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW 
WITH MICHAEL CAINE 


EIN), HARIFOR 


THE BOLD NEW TONIC DRINK 


SMIRNOFF SKYBALL  & 


crisp—clean—cold—nothing on earth more delicious 


Lime if you like. д 
efreshing taste as 


that goes a lot farther. Pour Smirnoff on-the-rocks. Add toni 
Whoosh! Start all tonic drinks with Smirnoff. It rides with tonic's 


no other liquor can. Always ask for Smirnoff. © 2723] 
Е 2 
Sonim leaves you breathless 
VODKA 


How to buy a high performance 
sports car—complete— 
for less than $2600.: 


Start with a dealer who sells the new Sunbeam Alpine V. You'll find it as advertised 
above —and carrying Chrysler's 5-year/50,000-mile power train warranty* besides. 


It took British Sunbeam and 
Chrysler together to bring it 
about, but there it is: a 
tough Class F contender for 
а mere $2567. 

Alpine V has muscles. A 


engine 
puts out 100 hp at a comfort- 
able 5500 rpm. With twin 
carbs, a regeared, fully 
synchromeshed 4-on-the- 
floor plus quick clutch, 0 to 
60 comes in 12.8 seconds. 


5 years/50,000 miles 
Alpine V is also built 
tosatisfy Chrysler's 
famous engine and 
drive train warranty. The 


crankshaft now "T 
has 5 main bear- 
ings; a new oil 
cooler maintains 
lube efficiency at 
highrpm;eventhe 
exhaust ports are 
staggered to dis- 
courage hot spots 
in the block 


No austerity here 
With so much car built into 
the basics, theamazing thing 
is what else Alpine gives 
you for your $2600 or so. 

Take brakes. 9.85 in. Gir- 
ling self-adjusting discs up 
front, 9 in. drums behind 
Generous. And lo make 
matters ecsier, they're 

power Келе 
assisted besides! an 

Take steering. V 
A fast, crisp 3.8 turns 
lock-to-lock. The wheel also 
telescopes in and out and 
locks at your fastest, most 


ROOTES 


SUNBEAM 


_ 


comforta- 


ket seats 
Alpine's are richly 
padded, neatly turned 
out in pleated vinyl. 
Both adjust forward, 
back, up and down, 
and the backs recline 

Take room. Alpine has 
more than most sports cars 
atany price. Even around the 
feet (pedals are adjustable) 
and in the trunk—two places 
you often get pinched. 


1 


Etc, etc., etc. 
Console with locked 
storage well is 
standard. So is 
a heater with 
2-speed blower. The 
dash is a gem of instru- 
mentation. The convert- 
ible top is self-storing and 
easy to work. And so on. 
So for the impossible on a 


АГ, 


a> 
a 
CHRYSLER 


MOTORS CORPORATION 


$2600-type budget, you now 
have a place to go: your Sun- 
beam dealer's, for Alpine V. 

Only thing that meets it for 
value is a Sunbeam Tiger 


V-8. But that's $1100 тоге 
"HERE'S HOW THE SUNBEAM ALPINE 5: 
YEAR OR 50,00-MILE ENGINE ANO ORIVE 
TRAIN WARRANTY PROTECTS YOU. 
Chrysler Motors Corp ants 


parts or labor 


dand interral 
wat 


n а км, апа rear wheel 
bearings. HERE'S ALL YOU MUST O0: Giv 


ars subjected to lacira or other sustained 
acceleration trials or wide 


x, 


The crisp 8 taste of the Northland. 
New I&M Menthol Tall, 100 millimeters tall. 
‘Taller than king size: S 


PLAYBILL "5^5 mean 

s glassy. man," was 
gremmie artist LeRoy Neiman's final 
judgment, in the appropriate patois, of 
the sunsphished surfing scene he cap 
tured in this month's Man at His Leisure 
feature—six p us alive with the 
color and. excitement you'd expect in a 


PLAYBOY midsummer issue. Acting as 
hos and mentor for Nciman's month- 
long West Coast skerching-and-surfing 


salari was Bruce Brown, who had been 
busy collecting internacional kudos Dor 
The Endless Summer, his alternately 


ant semidocumentary 
of two surfers 
wansoceanic search for the perfect w 
Part 1 ol A Horse's Head, а new Evan 
Hunter short novel premiering this 
month in these pages, finds a hijacked 
home player reposing in a ске. the 
putative cache for a half millon dollars. 
Hunter, who charted the terrors of The 
Blackboard Jungle, has completed a play 
The Conjurer. which he hopes will reach 
Broadway this fall, П as “a new 
novel called Last Summer, which doubt- 
less will be published next summer." 
Pseudonymously, as Ed McBain, Hunter 
5 currently concocting new delights for 
detective fans: Another of his popular 
NP Precinct mysteries is in progress. 
further distinguished 
n ol Laughs, Etc. 
Hayoy’s first story by James Leo Нені. 
hy. Since working i als and join- 
ing the Navy as а teenager, Halihy has 
directed Tallulah Bankhead in a tourin 
production of his ow ту October, 
ed in the París production of Ed 
ward Albee's The Zoo Story and written 
two highly praised novels—Al Fall 
Down and Midnight Cowboy. This 
month's yarn will be part of an upcoming 


RUBENSTEIN 


SLFSAR 


Schuster collection called A 
That Ends with a Scream, and 


Simon 
Story 
Other 

P. С. Wodehouse and Henry Slesir— 
this month's other two conuibutors of 
fiction-—are long-standing PLAYBOY favor- 
ites. Uhkvidge Starts a Bank Account is 
Wodehou-e’s 17th praysoy story; and 
The Prisoner, Slesar’s Wh. The presi- 
dent of Slesar & Kanzer, Inc, an adver- 
using agency, is ако а TV scenarist 
(Batman, Run for Your Life) and one of 
America’s most prolific writers of enter- 
g short fiction. But The Prisoner, 

announces an ingenious proposal 


ы 
which 
for the establishment of world peace, is. 


with hall a hope that its solution will be 
aken seriously.” 
Kenneth Rexroth is one of th 
most respected poets and an ori; 
controversial critic of our 
manners and mores, as will a colum- 
nist for the San Francisco Examiner. More 
generally, ће hay been a provocative and 
productive leader of the bohemian spirit 
in this country from the days of the 
Wobblies through today's hippies. Rex- 
roth's first eLavsoy contribution, The 
Fu » insightful indictment. of the 
antiminority, pro-establishment attitudes 
of our police—grew out of his unsettling 
personal experience and his inside 
knowledge of the underside of city life. 

Last August, we brought to our read- 
ers а distillation of what has been culled 
the most far-reaching theological debate 
since the Reformation, in the form of a 
controversial essay entitled The Deaih of 
God. by the Reverend William H. Hamil- 
ton. Since die publicition of the book 
Radical Theology and the Death of Go, 
which Hamilton co-authored, he has been 


nation's 
nal and 


s, letters, 


HUNTER REXROTH 


joined by Rabbi Richard L. Rubenste 
а theologian and professor at the Univ 
sity of Pittsburgh, for an S.R.O. series of 
college lectures and teach-ins about the 
radical new theolog Ruben- 
stein—who was here last 
mber of the Playboy Panel 
on Religion and the New Morality—this 
month eloquently assesses, in Judaism 
and the Death of God, the impli 
of this Godless new faith for Jews. 
David Lewin, our man behind the 
mike for this month's Playboy Interview 
with Michael Gaine, met his subject four 


shar 


month as a 


m 


ions 


years ago. when Lewin, who is the Lon 
don Daily Mail's entertainment editor 
invited actor Terence Stamp 10 a party 
and Stamp “asked if it would be all right 
10 bring along an unknown actor with 
whom he was sharing a Пас" Flatmate 
Caine, of course, has since eclipsed Stamp 
10 become one of the superstars of what 
sometimes stems to be tui 
al British decade in films: 
vien is abo a di 
salty persona 


reveals, he 
suaighttalking and 
‘Valk—specifically the power ol positive 
blabbing—is the topic, too, of 4 Little 
Chin Music, Professor, by Wi 
sen, author of 21 PLayuoy 
everything from erotica. in 
zmes to the history of sw 

are Шпее features on the сат 
cessories, clothes and cuisine the wi 
male would do well to dig this st 
12 color pages on The Girls of Paria 
distillation of the best from 10,000 shots 
snapped on the scene by PLavnoy май 
photographer Pompeo Posar: and much 
more, of course, The issue is as full of 
summer fun and games as the beach at 
Malibu on a Saturday afternoon. Sur 
up!—so come on in: The reading’s fine 


pieces 
the ladies 
ming. Also 


ner; 


WODEHOUSE 


HERLIHY 


vol. 14, no. 7—july, 1967 


PLAYBOY. 


Parisian Girls 


GENERAL OFFICES: PLAYSOY IUILEJNG, sis к 
MICHIGAN AVE. CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60ST. RETURN. 
POSTAGE MUST ACCOMPANY ALL MANUSCRIPTS 
DRAWINGS AND PHOTOGRAPHS SUBMITTED Ir INEY 


AND SEMIFICTION -M THIS MAGAZINE AND ANY NEAL 
TOGHAPHY OY MARIO CASILLI OTHER PHOTOGRAPHY 
1n, 125, JERRY YULSHAN, P. 3 (3) 


rLAYBOY, July, 1967. vou xo 7 
INC. JR NATIONAL AND REGIONAL EDITIONS 


JL, все. SECOND CLASS POSTAGE PAID AT CHIL 
AGO, ЦА.) AD AT ADDITIONAL MAILING OFFICES. 
SUBSCRIPTIONS: IM THE U.S, $8 FOR ONE YEAR. 


CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE 


PLAYBILL...... si ыш... Зе — = 3 
DEAR PLAYBOY... = 9 
PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 2 
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 37 
PLAYBOY'S INTERNATIONAL DATEBOOK —travel PATRICK CHASE 41 
THE PLAYBOY FORUM А 43 
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: MICHAEL CAINE—condid conversation... 47 


А HORSE'S HEAD—fiction.. EVAN HUNTER 60 


ELEGANCE UNDER THE STARS —fead and drink E THOMAS MARIO 64 
JAMES LEO HERLIHY 67 


JUDAISM AND THE DEATH OF GOD—orinion RABBI RICHARD L. RUBENSTEIN 69 


LAUGHS, ETC.. 


ion 
THE WET SET—attire._. ROBERT L. GREEN 71 
KENNETH REXROTH 76 
Р. С. WODEHOUSE 79 


THE FUZZ—opinion......... 
UKRIDGE STARTS A BANK ACCOUNT—1 
A LITTLE CHIN MUSIC, PROFESSOR—: 


WILLIAM IVERSEN 80 
THE PRISONER fiction. = d HENRYSLESAR 83 
CALL OF THE WILD —playboy's playmate of the month B4 


PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES—humor — 92 


SPORTING ACCESSORIES FOR CAR AND DRIVER— modern livia 94 


THE CULTURE BIZ—humor. „ROBERT LASSON ond DAVID EYNON 97 


THE GIRLS OF PARIS—pictorial essay.. 


Tees HOWARD MARGOLIS 111 
> LEROY NEIMAN 112 


SURE THINGS — gomes. 


SURFING—man at his leisure... 


HOW T'AI HAO DROVE THE DEVILS OUT—iibeld classic n7 
. 124 


ON THE SCENE—personalities 


HUGH M, HEFNER editor and publisher 


-rowskv asociate publisher and editorial director 


ARTHUR PAUL art director 


JACK у. казах managing editor VINCENT T. TAJIRI picture edilor 


SHELDON WAN assistant managing editor; MURRAY FISHER, NAT LEHRMAN senior 
editors; ҝомк MACAULEY fiction editor; james coopE articles editor: ARTUR 
KRETCHMER, MICHAEL LAURENCE, ROBERT ANTON М de edilors; KORERT 
L GREEN fashion direclor; олур TAYLOR fashion edilor; THOMAS MARIO food 
© drink editor; PAWICK CHASE travel. editor; |. PAUL GETTY contributing editar, 
business & finance; KEN W. PURDY contributing editor; RICHARD korr administrative 
editor; ARLENE WOURAS сору chief; DAVID BUTLER, HENRY FENWICK. JOHN. GABREE, 
LAWRENCE LINDERM AN, ALAN KAVAGE, CARL SNYDER, DAVID STEVENS, KOGEK WIDENER 
assistant editors; меу CHAMBERLAIN associate. picture edilor; MARILYN GRANOWSKI 
assistant picture edilur; MARIO CASULL, LARRY GORDON, J. BARRY O'ROURKE, POMPEO 
POSAR, ALENAS URBA, JERRY YULSMAN staf] photographers; SIAN MALINOWSKI con- 
tributing phologiapher; коха» BLUME associate art director; NORM SCHAEFER, 
BOR rosi, HD WEISS, JOSEPH FACER assistant art directors; WALK килоту 

LEN W IS arl assistants; MICHE ALTMAN assistant cartoon. editor; jou 
млтно production manager; ALLEN varco assistant production manager; 
VAT parras rights aud permissions « HOWARD w. LEDERER advertising director; 
JULES KASE associate advertising manager; SHERMAN KEATS chicago advertising 
manager; JOSEPH GUENTHER detroit advertising manager; NELSON FUTCH promotion 
director; икымит Losscu. publicity manager; BENNY DUNN public relations man- 
ager; ANSON Mox. public affairs manager; THEO FREDERICK personnel director; 
JANET PILGRIM. reader service; ANIN WIEMOLD subscription manager; ELDON SELLERS 
Special projects; RONERT s. rrevss business manager and circulation director. 


SON ass 


If you like 
beer a lot, you'll like 
Со Club a aa 


Because 
it is. 


iy 


2274 


27 


eT, LN 
ODA, 


E 


Honda shapes the world of wheels 


Like a trip to Style City. All those cool classy models. Some 20 in all. Any one of 
'em will sharpen your image. Honda leads the field. Craftsmanship like you can't 
believe. Performance that's no less spectacular. The famous 4-stroke engine is 


See the “Invisi 


The Honda Custom Group. You 
take your pick of customized Hondas 
at your dealer's. Like the Rally above. 
These models feature a special type of 
tank, pipe, handlebars, seat. Wild. 


built to go the distance. Honda won five out of five '66 Grand Prix Champion- 
ships. A clean sweep from 50сс to 500cc. Nobody else has ever done so well. 
And keep this in mind. Honda draws a crowd. Think you're up to it? See your 


local Honda dealer for a safety demonstration ride. HONDA. 


You meet the nicest people on a Honda, 


Dept. QR, B 


ost n d 


w^ 


Walker's DeLuxe Bourbon- 


SHE ELEGANT 8 YEAR OLD 


Y 1 Мм 
Photographed in Old Westbury Ca ns, Long Island STRAIGHT BOURBON WHISKEY - 06,6 PROOF - MIRAM WALKER & SONS IMC., PEORIA, IL. 


DEAR PLAYBOY 


KJ) ос PLAYBOY MAGAZINE - PLAYBOY BUILDING, этэ N. MICHIGAN AVE., CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611 


TAX PACKAGE 
As you may know, I think that there is 
ample room for reform in our present tax 
structure. 1 welcomed your comments on 
this situation, and I want you to know 
that your thoughts and the problems 
pointed out in the PLAYBov articles [How 
to Abolish the Personal Income Tax, 
April] will be most helpful to me as I 
continue my study of this whole arca of 
tax reform. 
Senator Robert F. Kennedy 
United States Senate 
Washington, D. C. 


Thank you for the extremely inform- 
ative arides on legal tax avoidance. 
1 have received a considerable volume of 
Т on this subject, and increasing in- 
terest in tax loopholes has been created 
by your articles. I commend you on the 
public service you have performed in 
publishing them. 

It would be my hope that Congress 
would take definite action during thi 
session, after appropriate hearings in the 
Committee on Finance, to adjust some of 
these tax laws, thereby restoring public 
confidence in our tax system. Your arti- 
des and others like them in other pub- 
lications will go а long way toward 
producing the public climate necessary to 
ensure diat this very necessary job is 
donc. 


Senator Charles H. Percy 
United States S 
Washington, D. 


Mr. Anderson, Bishop Pike and Mr. 
Hamill have presented interesting in- 
sights into problems that affect all of us. 

Sam Yorty, Mayor 
Los Angeles, California 


І have read with great interest your 
three-part. April package on How to 
Abolish the Personal Income Tax. It con- 
cerns me that the oil companies of 
America have been allowed a privileged 
status among us. It is grossly unfair—as 
Jack Anderson points out in his Tax tlic 
Oil Companies-for cilmen to be ex 
empted from billions while the poor bear 
an unfair tax burden 

Bishop James Pike has added another 
feather to his cap with his article Tax 
Organized Religion. As usual, his realism 


is indisputable. However, he has chal- 
lenged the religious establishment. They 
may yet bring him to his knees. 

In Tax Organized Crime. Pete Hamill 
has pulled back the veneer of hypoctisy 
that overlays our refusal to legalize gam- 
bling. The crooks involved in this bus 
ness, like bootleggers in Prohibition 
days, will support the views of the self- 
righteous while continuing to filch from 
the poor, who could be protected by law. 

H. Paul Osborne, Minister 
First Unitarian Church 
Wichita, Kansas 


"Ehe attractions of PLAYBOY make it 
difficult to down to the serious busi- 
ness of reading about taxes. But J did. I 


applaud your magazine for a forthright 
discussion of a very important and seri- 
ous matter. Yes, there should be a revi- 
sion of the tax program. There is no 
reason to exempt from taxes the three 
major areas discussed in your arücles. 

Representative Bob Sikes 

U.S. House of Representatives. 

Washington, D. С, 


I emphatically agree w 
tite April package on How to Abolish the 
Personal Income Tax. Why not tax the 
oil companies? Even though Im a stock- 
holder in oil—from the largest to the 
smallest firms—I'd much rather receive 
smaller dividends, if this would mean a 
proportionately smaller annual tax bill 
from Uncle Sam. 

Why not tax organised religion? AL 
though I am а Roman Catholic by birth, 
1 disagree w 1 of the 
Church's dogmas. Bishop Pike should be 
congratulated for his perceptive аг 

Why not tax organized crime? You'll 
never see me applying for the job, but it 
certainly sounds like а good idea. In 
short: Thanks for a really fine piece of 
journalism. I haven't learned so much 
since Wiped Oul! (ртлувоҮ, October 
1966) showed me how not to lose 
$50,000 in the stock market. 

Robert M. C 
Miami, Florida. 


h your tripar- 


h almost 


este 


There is no question about the fact 
that our system could stand revision. 1 
am one of the Representatives personally 


м. MICHIGAN AVE., CHICAGO, ILLINOIS кош. SUBSCRIPTIONS: 


ITS POSSESSIONS, THE PAN AMERICAN UNION 
55: SEND BOTH OLD AND NEW ADDRESSES 
ILLINOIS 00M, AND ALLOW 20 DAYS FOR CHANGE. ADVER- 


TISING: HOWARD W. LEDERER, ADVERTISING DIRECTOR: JULES KASE, ASSOCIATE ADVERTISING MANAGER. 408 PARK AVE.. NEW 


EOS. Mi 2-1000. DETROIT, JOSEPH GUENTHER. MANAGER 


STANLEY L. PERKINS, MANAGER, 8721 BEVERLY BOULEVARD. OL 2-8790; SAN FRANCISCO, ROBERT E. STEPHENS, MANAGER, 11C SUTTER 


STREET, YU 2.799 


SOUTHEASTERN REPRESENTATIVE, PIRNIE а BROWN. 3108 ITDMONY AD.. M E.. ATLANTA, CA. 30305, 332-8785" 


“Promise her 
anything. 
but give her 


qycArpege 


N 


Arpege perfume in the 

black ball bottle from $40. 
Natural Spray™ dispenser $6. 
Eau de Lanvin from $6. 

A Veil of Arpege from $4. 


GiANIN raRFUNS 


10 


a retum to the states of a per- 
centage of the Federal income tax col- 
lected, such a percentage to be completely 
under state control. 
Representative William B. Widnall 
U.S. House of Representatives 
Washington, D.C. 


T have read with a great deal of inter- 
est the three artides on taxation pub- 
lished in the April issue of rLaysoy. I 
have made many attempts to close some 
of the obvious loopholes in our tax struc- 
ture, but have been only partially suc- 
cessful. I have been unable to make any 
headway toward reducing the uncon- 
scionable depletion allowance for petro- 
leum. Actually, this is merely a formula 
for tax reduction. If it were possible to 
close a few of the most glaring leaks in 
the tx system, everyone's rates could be 
reduced and public confidence in our 
tax structure would, I am sure, be im- 
surably improved, 


mes 


enator Albert Gore. 
United States Senate 
Washington, D. C. 


I have noted the taxation articles that 
appeared in the April isuc of rLAYBoY. 
E no doubt that there would 
be much to be gained from closing the 
loopholes in our present tax laws, but 
there is still considerable question as to 
just when the leadership might get 
around to considering tax reform in this 
session of the Congress. 

Representative Ancher Nelsen 

U.S. House of Representatives 

Washington, D.C. 


Thank you for the three most inter- 
esting articles discussing the inequities 
of the present tix structure. 

Senator Joseph S. Clark 
United States Senate 
Washington, D. C. 


Your wifid le, How to Abolish the 
Personal Income Tax, was interesting 
nd timely. Isn't it peculiar, however, 
that it takes a columnist, a bishop and a 
freelance writer to point out major in- 
equities in our nation’s tax system—scem- 

ugly the province of the law profession? 
Perhaps lawyers are trained too often in 
the wonders of minutiae and too seldom 
in the larger social concerns of our time. 
If so, this suggests that law schools may 
well be failing to provide society with 
the creative and imaginative social 
technicians it needs. 

Charles O. Ingraham 
Duke Schoal of Law 
Durham, North Carolina 


I quite agree that oil, religion and 
gambling should pay their fair share of 
taxes. I reached this conviction alter 
much soul-searching as to the possible ef- 
fects on the poor. Real reformation must 
begin in the pocketbook. As Erasmus 


said of Luther: “He attacked the purse 
of the Pope and the bellies of the monks. 
Both unforgivable sins." But the gods of 
Texas and of church real estate are not 
asily. 

d Е. Boeke, Mi 
n Church 
Flushing, New York 


ister 


Accolades 10 PrAYBov for its enlight- 
ening articles on How to Abolish the 
Personal Income Tax. On the subject of 
taxation, I'd like to sec ап article on the 
inequities of the tax on single persons 
The Government, effect, is subsidizing 
marriage—and the single people are рау. 
ing the bill, As a bachelor, I protest. 

Carl E. Rykes 
Wilmington, California 


Why not go a little further and abol- 
ish all income taxes—corporate as well 
s personal— and start over again with a 
national tax on consumption of goods 
and services? This tax is based on the 
simple premise that if men or corpora- 
tions have money 10 spend, they have 
money with which to pay ta 
poor man would be willing to pay hi 
on a pound of bologna if he knew for 
certain that the rich man was paying his 
ax on filet mignon—and not dodging 
through some highly sophisticated scheme. 

A manufacturing corporation would 
pay taxes on the wages of its employces 
and on the supplies it consumed, but not 
on raw materials processed nor on its 
come. Employees would not pay tax on 
income, other than Social Security taxes 
which should also be overhauled but 
would pay taxes on food, rent, clothing, 
entertainment, ctc. Basic foods—such as 
flour, salt, sugar—would probably be 
exempted, along with hospital and me 
cal services and prescription drugs. 

Some problems would arise, but the 
reasonably trouble-free experience of 42 
states in the sales-tax field indicates that 
difficulties could be easily overcome. 

Dave Baskett 
Casper, Wyoming 

Many experts assert а tax on consump- 
tion would raise hob with the economy. 
Most of them agree that sales taxes, no 
matter what the exemptions, are inequi- 
table: Being based on product price 
rather than on percent of income, they 
fall hardest on those least able to pay. 


What cowards you are. Why didn’t 
you mention the “Great Giveaway 
newspapers and magazines (yours in- 
duded) that pay the Post Office Depart- 
ment only 29 percent of their mailing 
costs? Newspapers and magazines—the 
“holier-than-thou” sheet—ought to pump 
for an increase in second-class mail rates 
or keep their mouths shut. 

Representative Glen Cunningham 
U.S. House of Repr 
Washington, D. C. 


ntatives 


From the earliest days of our postal 
system, part of the cost of mailing ne: 
papers, magazines and books has been 
paid by government—for ihe same rea- 
son that government bears а large share 
of the cost of education: on the assump- 
tion that the better the quality of public 
information, the better the quality of our 
democracy. With over 75 percent of its 
circulation in newsstand sales, PLAYBOY 
has less of a stake in the “Great Give- 
away" than do amy other of the na 
tion's 15 largest. magazines—exce pling 
Family Circle and Woman's Day, which 
have no subscription sales whatever. 
While we can't speak for our fellow mag- 
azines, many of which depend on cut-rate 
direct-mail subscription. sales to hypo 
their circulation figures, we would cer- 
tainly be willing to pay more of the cost 
of mailing vLavwov—if the Post Office, 
in turn, would offer prompter and more 
reliable service. 


T have read wi 
articles advocatin 
crime and religion as а of reduc 
ng the personal income tax. Tasing sin 
and religion is, I must admi i 
wiguing idea. The problem is that it 
would hurt even more than the present 
tax system docs. After all, under ou 
existing setup, some people do escape the 
tax collector; but you would have tax 
liens against saints and sinners alike, 
and that means nobody would escape the 
PLAYBOY revenooers. 

Representative Hemy B. Gonzalez 
U.S. House of Representatives 
Washington, D. C. 


on nized 


I have always disliked James Pike's 
philosophies, but his rrAvmov artic, 
Tax Organized Religion, is beautifully 
written, very intelligent—and correct. 
Your tax articles were the best I have 
ever read on this subject. 

Penny Low 
Belmont, Califor 


Anent Bishop Pike's article, Thomas 
Jefferson pur it this way: "When a reli- 
gion is good . . . it will support itself; 
and when it cannot support itself and 
God does not care to support it, so that 
professors and. priests are obliged to call 
for help of the civil power, it is . . . a 
bad one.” 


Alvine Bullock 
Morro Bay, California 


For over 15 years I have opposed the 
principle of tax exemption for churches. 
Why should the state require all its citi- 
zens to support religion, regardless of 
their personal belief or nonbeliel—and 
in the face of the fact that they may be 
discriminated against by the churches 
I am 


they're forced to support? con- 
vinced 0 ex 
emption that those who question aid to 


it is at the level of tax 


GENERAL WINE AND SPIRITS COMPANY, N.Y.C., 80 PROOF 


Tonight, 

make the daiquiris with Ronrico. 
When it’s a rum this light, 

she'll ask for another. 

It happens every time. 


The light, tasteful rum from Puerto Rico 


The fragrance for 
single-minded men. 


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parochial education must start; for this is 
where aid begins and where the princi 
p'e of aid is validated. Bishop Pike is to 
led for his stand, but correc 
tion of the abuse will not be easy. 
David R. Kibby, Minister 
Unitarian Church of Delaware County 
Media, Pennsylvania 


be comme 


Your April issue, with Bishop Pike's 
article, was great. The rLaynoy combir 


tion of entertainment and provocative 
writing makes for a balanced evening of 
rcading. 
Richard E. Harding, Pastor 
Lexington. Methodist. Church 


Lexington, Massachusetts 


PLAYuoY seems to be putting a great 
deal of stock in the sentiments of an ex- 
bishop of the Episcopal Church. 
setting aside Pike's much-publicized hos 
tility toward organized Christianity, both 
Catholic and Protestant, I wonder how 
you сап justify his tax statements, of 
which the austere Jesuit journal America 
wrote recently 


Even 


Like PLaysoy’s girls, his figures are 
too flamboyant to be credible. Like 
they are the fantasies 
of a mind that finds the everyday 


world of fact and finance too com 


able. 


monplace 10 be tole 


No one would question the legitimacy 
of rraynoy’s new assault on the anoma 


lies and the inequities of the Federal tax 
structure. But unless you select less 
tisan and more responsible "experts" for 
the job, your attempt to correct the 
situation will have Ише effect 
Dr. H. W. Gleason, Jr. 
Chairman, English Department 
Shippensburg State College 
Shippensburg, Pennsylvania 
Bishop Pike is still a bishop of the 
Episcopal Church. The America edi 
torial from which Dr. Gleason quotes 
concluded in a somewhat different vein 


On the subject of church-run busi- 
nesses, we agree with Bishop Pike 
that churches should have to pay the 
same tax that secular owners of simi- 
lar businesses would have to pay. 
The present exemption of churches 
from the tax on unrelated business 
income provides a great temptation 
for them to enter the commercial 
world in order to finance their veli- 
gious activities. Since it is not desir- 
able for churches lo engage in the 
direct operation of commercial enter- 
prises, Congress would do them a 
favor by ending the exemption . 


Jack Anderson says that the oil indus- 
uy is almost entirely untaxed. Since your 
ex, Гат not surprised at 


line is pcddlin; 
your publishing such a silly statement 
But to use Jack Anderson as an authority 
on taxation is even more ridiculous. 
Having spent over 40 years wildcatting 


for oil, I could quickly show you up: but 
since my letter will never sce the light of 
publication, 1 shan't bother to take the 
time. 

Van C. Smith 

Santa Barbara, California 


Hamill’s proposal for legalizing gam. 
bling and putting it under government 
operation is misdirected. While 1 quite 

with him that gambling should be 
egal, why in the world should it be so 
ized? Why not let 
large or small scale, be run by anyone who 
wants to, subject to the normal laws 


inst fraud—and the usual corporate 


David Friedman 
cl 


ago, Ilinois 


Pete Hamill comes up with the ever 
present homily: “Every time уоп... 
bet two dollars with a bookie, you arc 
helping finance loansharking, prostitu- 
tion and murder, not to mention the 
trallic in heroin. 


ıd the corruption of po. 
lice departments,” I have seen this s 
ridiculous idea 


me 
paraphrased in many 
ces this, 


infinitum. Horse 


different ways: Prostitution fi 
drugs finance that 
feathers, Any area of criminal activity is 
self-supporting. Criminals, like capital 
ists, are not stupid. There is absolutely 
no reason for them to engage in an eco- 
nomic activity if it is not profitable. 

Neil S. P 

Springficld, New Jersey 

All other capitalists pay taxes. 


Pete Hamill’s Tax Organized Grime 
meets with my wholehearted approval: 
all except his arithmetic, which in one 


place was considerably less than accu 
rate. The last time 1 counted to 30 bil- 
n one second at a time, including 49 
years for sleep, it took me 1000 ycars— 
not 100 as Hamill stated. 

Peter Keck, р.р. S. 

Gary, Indiana 

You're right, doctor. Those 19 years of 

sleep obviously weren't enough for Ham- 
ill, who says he counts well only when 
wide awake. 


MEN FOR GWEN 

Miss April, Gwen Wong, is the most 
beautiful P 
years I have 


mate I have seen in the six 
been reading PLAYBOY 
Joseph. Lyons 
New York, New York 


Whoever discovered Gwen Wong. de 
serves a medal. Her gatefold was one of 
your best 


Wayne Callahan 

Robins AFB, Geo 

PLavuoy phoiographer Mario Castlli 
gets the honor 


TOYNBEE 

In his April Playboy Interview, Toyn 
bec rightly noted that the major obstacle 
preventing a settlement in Southeast Asia 


Advanced 


sneaker-we 


This is it, man. The epitome. The 
apex. What men strive for years and 
years to achieve. 

Beginning and intermediate sneaker- 
wearers stand in awe of you. Female 

sneaker-wear- 
= ersfallatyour 
sneakers.And, 
most impor- 
tant, you your- 
self have the tremendous feeling of 
achievement that goesalong with being 
one of the chosen few. 

Picture it. It's Saturday morning. 
You rise around ten, have breakfast 
and get dressed. White doeskin slacks, 
double-breasted blazer, silk ascot and, 
of course, Keds® Mainsails (this is the 
sneaker that’s chosen most by the 
chosen few). 

You hop in your Sting Ray (what 
else?) and wheel out. You’re zooming 
down the highway, the breeze blowing 

through your hair and 
sneakers. (Keds 
Mainsails feel 


What else? 


-~ 
к=: 


as cool as they look.) 

At Exit 19, you get off the highway 
and go under the overpass. In a few 
minutes, you’re at the dock. You park 
the carand strut casually over to Gina's 
boat. 

As you get on board, Maria (Gina’s 
best friend, except where you're con- 
cerned) hands you a martini. The boat 
tips a little and you spill some on your 


Gin stains wash right out. 


ring 


ИА ittakes 
years and years of practice. 


A 


sneakers. You laugh it off because 
you're an advanced sneaker-wearer 
(and because Keds Mainsails are 
machine-washable). 
Then, Gina unties the boat and you 
get under way. In a little while, you're 
| out in deep water. The ocean's kind of 
rough today, so you put 
Y down your drink and take 
Y =“ over the controls. 
1 GinaandMaria both tell 
{ you to be careful not to 
slip. You smile, pick your 
foot way up and show 
them the thick, skid- 
resistant sole on your 
Keds Mainsail. 
, All of a sudden a wave 
/ comes and the boat tosses 
and you go overboard and 
you realize. . .you picked 
the wrong moment to 
show Gina and Maria the 
thick, skid-resistant sole 
on your Keds Mainsail. 


Keds ZZ 


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is psychological: "America first has to 
admit she has made a mistake—a big 
one." Unfortunately, this requires big 
men, and we scem only ta have little 
men in. office. 


Robert E. Walters 
Bennington, Vermont 


Your interviewer, Norman Mackenzie, 
did a fantastic job with Arnold Toynbee. 
He asked all the right questions and 
carried the reader from point to point 
in an extremely readable manner. 
Richard Hinckley 
Moline, Illinois 


The way our Government behaves in 
airs of the world, I doubt that 
cy will prevail the 50 
predicts, Your interview 

ith him is must reading for every 
thoughtful person. 


Harold S. Patinkii 
Chicago. Illinois 


As one of the few persons who have 
had the opportunity to interview Viet 
Cong and North. Vietnamese prisoners— 
both enlisted men and officers—without 
interference, I have to go along with 
most of what Toynbee says about 
Vietnam. 

However, there 


re exceptions: Uni 
fication of Vietnam—despite Toynbce's 
assertion—has never been a large part 
of the Viet Cong program. Unification 
is а North Vietnamese idea; the V. C. 
5 Also, self- 
determination in South Vietnam would 
not necessarily Lead to communism, as the 
Viet Gong are not largely Communist. 
Their experiments with Communist 
reforms in the areas they control have 
had unfortunate results, and they have 
learned from this. Today they are 
not to injure that amount of capit 
necessiry to support the economy. 
The Viet Cong have had a very bad 
pres in America and little is known 
about them. "hey have been caught 
between the ambitious expansionism 
of North Vienam and the misguided 
machinations of the United States. Our 
picture of them as a North Vietnamese 
Communist "front" organization is di 
rectly traceable to unsubstantiated De. 
fense Deparment news releases. If 
anyone can quote sources—captured V. C. 
prisoners or documents—supporting the 
notion that the Vict Cong are predomi- 
nantly Communist and ruled by Hanoi, 1 
think the American public is entitled 10 
hear about it. I would be happy to offer 
$100 if someone can so ei 
Neil 


ng Press Center 
ng, South Vie 


Toynbee would have us believe that 
the dangers of communism should be 


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overlooked in 


compromise, But coexistence with com- 
munism on this evershrinking planet is 
like the Moslem living with his cow on 
an ever-diminishing food  supply—a 
wher poor compromise, when one con- 
siders that the cow 


and С. Nelson 
do, Florida 


FINE HERB 

Herb Gardner's alltooshort short 
story Guess Who Died? (rravuov, April) 
was simply magnificent. The plot was 
very true to life and the characters were 
thor- 


real people. My husband and I 
oughly enjoyed it 
Mrs. William Munch 
Pearl River, New York 


It is fiction such as Guest Who Died? 
that makes PLAYBOY what it is toda 
great, Bravo 10 PLAYBOY and to Gard 

and pass the bagels and cream. cheese 

Arnold Stefanic 
Grosse Pointe Woods, Mic 


PERIMENTAL CINEMA 
In the April installment of The His- 
tory of Sex in Cinema, authors Arthur 
Knight and Hollis Alperi mentioned 
Clifford Solways The Gay Life. They 
said this film was “actually a documen 
lary originally produced for—but never 
shown by—Canadim television," Th 
was probably true when Knight and 
Alpert wrote it, but in mid-Febru 
the Canadian Broadcasting Comp: 
publicalfairs series, Sunday, showed s 
minutes of Solways film, including all 
the segments mentioned in your article. 
The film was quite interesting and 
proved once again that Canadian televi- 
sion producers are more daring tha 
their American counterparts, Perhaps 
because Canadians are more secure or 
e than Americans, there was 
vorable reaction to the film 
Ben Streisand 
Montreal, Quebec 


m amazed and delighted 
and Alpert’s most. interesti 
prehensive article. 


t Knight 
and com- 


Shirl ke 
New York, New York 
No stranger to experimental cinema 
herself, Miss Clarke produced and di- 
rected the films “The Connection” and 
“The Cool World." 


TOP-NOTCH 
Alter carefully perusing each para- 
graph of Seut Farkas and the Murderous 
Mariah (pLavwoy, April), 1 can only say 
t writer Jean Shepherd has had 
firsthand experience. As а longtime. yo- 
yo performer and former world c 
pion yoyo p Em all too familiar 
h the unique s of the twisted 
sting. Naturally, in my years exploring 


the yo-yo, I picked up a top or two, final 
lv reaching third best nationally. A tip of 
the hat and a flourish of itchy spike 
wounds for Jean Shepherd. 

Bob Baab 

San Diego, California 


Bravo! Jean Shepherd has рш on an- 
other show of genius. While The Great 
Orpheum Gravy Boat Riot (pLavnoy, Oc 
tober 1965) is perhaps still his classic 
pieces like Scut Farkas whet the appe 
tites of his fanatical votaries. His stories 
are uniquely imaginative—and. realistic 
at the same 


Roger W. Hunter 
Fox River Grove, Illinois 


FEIFFERITES 

I was especially delighted to read 
Jules Feillers Loathe Thy Neighbor in 
your April issue, It was as provocative as 
his Hostileman—ol which I am а faithful 
follower, 


Bill Karafcl 
Elizabeth, Ne 


sey 


While 1 certainly enjoyed Jules 
Feifler’s essay, I'm sure he is aware that 
there is a vast middle ground between 
love and hate: indifference. Indifference 
may reduce one's activit 
for greater peace of mind. I think I've 
become а person since read 
ing Epictetus and disovering the self- 
composure possible through indilference. 
Carol Bachelder 
Boise, Idaho 


Who cares? 


PLAY OFF 
To choose among the likes of Lis» 
Baker, Susan Denberg and Tish Howard 
is по casy task, but my vore in your 
Playmate Play-off (April) must go to Lisa. 
Shes surely one of your loveliest girls 
ever—and їһагъ saying a great deal. 
Gcolirey Birkley 
Yorkshire, England 


Tish, Tish—Howard, that is. She gets 
my vote as Playmate of the Year—and 1 
hope she wins by a landslide. 

€. S. Burrows. 


Sy ‚ New York 
I didn't think it would be possible, but 
Susan Denberg looks even. more. appeal 


ing in short hair. Chalk up one vote, 


ples 


Hal Smart 
Los Angeles, C: 


I met Lisa Baker briclly when she 
Visited Boston for рілувоу. She was 
charming—L hope my vote helps her. 

Kenneth Olsen 
Cambridge, M 

Tune in nexi month, when your votes 
and. thousands of others will have been 
tabulated—and the winner unveiled. 


sachusetts 


“Using Johnnie Walker Red 
in sours? 


Ted, youre a real sport? 


M 


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PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 


esearch into the mind-expanding 
Е power of the banana peel, the latest 
psychedelic substance to be discovered 
by the underground, had barely begun 
when the Food and Drug Adninistration 
declared that it was investigating this 
new yellow peril from the hippie world. 
For deftly putting the matier into per- 
spective, our thanks go to Representative 
Frank Thompson of New Jersey—who, 
with the following speech, delivered last 
April while Congress was in full session, 


proved himself top banana among 
legislative puton artists: 
“Mr. Speaker, the U.S. Food and 


Drug Administration recently kunched 
an investigation of banana-pecl smoking. 

“This was very good news to me, since 
I have been extremely concerned over 
the serious increase in the use of halluci- 
nogenics by youngsters. Apparently, it 
was not enough for this generation of 
thrill ‘kers to use illicit LSD, mari- 
juana and airplane glue. They have now 
invaded the fruit stand. 

‘The implications are quite dear. 
From bananas it is a short but shocking 
step to other fruits, Today the cry is 
‘Burn, Banana, Bum.’ Tomorrow we 
Tace strawberry smoking, dried- 
pricot inhaling or prune puffing. 
“What can Congress do in this time of 
crisis? A high oficial in the FDA has 
declared: “Forbidding the smoking of 
material banana peels would require 
Congressional legislation." 

As а legislator, I feel it my duty to 
respond to this call for action. 

“I ask Congress to give thoughtful 
consideration to legislation entitled, 
propriately, the Banana and Other Odd 
Fruit Disclosure and Reporting Act of 
1967. The target is those banana-smoking 
beatniks who seck a make-believe land, 
"ihe land of Honalee,’ as it is described in 
the pecl puffers secret psychedelic march- 
ing song, Puff, the Magic Dragon. 

"Part of the problem is, with bananas 
at ten cents a pound, these beatniks can 
afford to take a hallucinogenic wip each 
and every day. Not even the New York 
City subway system, which advertises 
the longest ride for the cheapest price, 


can daim for pennies a 
passengers out of this world. 

“Unfortunately, many people have not 

yet sensed the seriousness of this halluci- 
nogenic trip taking. Bananas may help 
explain the trancelike quality of much 
of the 90th Congress proceedings. Just 
yesterday I saw on the luncheon menu 
of the Capitol dining room a breast of 
chicken Waikiki entry topped with, of all 
things, fried bananas. 
An official of the United Fruit Com- 
pany, daring to treat this banana crisis 
with levity, recently said: "The only trip 
you can take with a banana is when you 
slip on the peel.’ 

“But I am wary of United Fruit and 
their ilk, Бе Phe York 
Times pointed out, United ‘standsto reap 
large profits if the banana-smoking wave 
catches оп’ United has good reason to 
encourage us to fly high on psychedelic 
trips. And consequently, 1 think twice 
every time 1 hear that TV commercial— 
y the friendly skies of United 
But let me get back to what Congress 
must do. We must move quickly to stop 
the sinister spread of banana smoking. 
Those of my colleagues who occasionally 
smoke a cigarette of tobacco will proba: 
bly agree with the English statesman 
who wrote: “Ihe man who smokes, 
thinks like a sage and acts like a 
samaritan.” 

“But the banana smoker is a different 
breed. He is a driven man who cannot 
get the banana off his back. 

“Driven by his need for nas he 
may take to cultivating bananas in his 
own back yard. The character of this 
counny depends on our ability, above all 
else, to prevent the growing of bananas 
here. Ralph Waldo Emerson gave us 
proper ‘Where the 
grows, . . cruel, 


New 


ause, 


warning: banana 
man is 

“The final results are not yet in, how- 
ever, on the extent of the banana threat. 
An FDA offical has said that, judging 
from the four years of research needed 
to discover peyote's contents, it will 
probably take years to determine scien- 
tifically the hallucinogenic contents of 
the banana. We cannot wait years, 


particularly when the world’s most avid 
banana eater, the monkey, provides an 
immediate answer. 

"We can use the monkey as а labora- 
tory, seeing what effets bananas have 
on him. The FDA says it cannot tell if a 
monkey has hallucinogenic kicks; they 
think not. The problem, I fecl, is sceing 
the monkey munch in its natural habitat. 
To solve this dilemma, 1 propose the 
Peel Corps, necessarily a swinging set of 
young Americans capable of following 
the monkey as he moves through the 
forest leaping from limb to limb: 

“On the home front, I am requesting 
the President to direc. the Surgeon. Gen- 
eral to update his landmark report on 
smoking and health to include a chapter 
on banana peels. In the meantime, Con- 
gress has a responsibility to give the 
public immediate warning. As you know, 
because of our decisive action with re- 
spect to tobacco, cigarette smoking in 
the United States is almost at a stand 
still. This is because every package of 
cigarettes sold now carries a 
warning mesage on its side. 

"Therefore, I propose the Banana La- 
beling Act of 1967, a bill to require that 
every banana bear the following stamp. 
CAUTION: BANANA-PEEL SMOKING MAY В 
INJURIOUS TO YOUR HEALTH. NEVER PUT 
BANANAS IN THE REFRIGERATOR. 

“There is of course, one practical 
problem with this legislation: Banana 
peels turn black with age. At that point, 
the warning sign becomes unreadable. It 
may be necessary, as a consequence, to 
provide for a peel depository, carefully 
guarded, to protea the public пот aged 
peels. 1 am now requesting of the Secre- 
tary of the Treasury that, given the im- 
balance of the gold flow, some of the 
empty room at Fort Knox be given over 
to such a peel depository. 

“As with any revolutionary reform 
movement, I expect the forces of opposi- 
tion to be quite strong. One only has to 
look at the total lack of Federal law or 
regulation relating to bananas to realize 
the banana lobbys power. We 
regulations on avocados, da 
oranges, lemons, pe: 


that is 


have 
» figs, 
s, peaches, plums 


21 


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е slipped 


“What we need across the length and 
breadth of this great land is а grassroots 
a, to repeal the 
can survive with 
t is wrong with 
ocado split? І will only breathe 
ier when this counuy, this land we 
an declare, "Yes, 
s; we have no ba 


love, we h 


banan 


s tod 


Sign of the times spotted at the exit of 


omatic p ge in the 
WE USE THE HONOR SYS- 
MONEY IN SLOT. YOUR 


NUMBER I$ RECORDED. 


Auention, 
to Norw 


xchange students en route 
Teachers in Oslo, according 
to the San Francisco Chronicle, have 
voted that students there "shall not 
be authorized to enter classrooms in 
pajamas, underwear or in the nude.” 


Thi: 
Award 
ound 
appe 
words: 


month's Touching Sentiment 
ocs to New York City's Philatelic 
n, which began a funds 
mbers with the following 


ising 


1 to m 
"Have you ever stopped to con- 


ler how much philately means in 
your life? How many of your waking 
moments (and doubtless of your dreams, 


too) are occupied by stamps? The hours 


of pleasure, the fellow companionship, 
the relaxing thoughts allorded you? No 


onc is lone 


y when he has stamps for 
company.” Bur if he does get lonely, we 
might add, he'll always have postage for 
iling letters. to friends. 

Who Said Chivalry Was Dead Depart- 
ment: A writer in the Manchester 
Guardian reports encountering the fol- 
lowing instructions in an English book 
of etiquette: “When a Gentleman offers 
a Lady his chair he should engage her in 
‘onversation for a few moments, thus 
giving the seat time to cool. 


Unscitling item from the “Help Want- 
ed" column. of Fort Knox Post: 
Nurses and butchers are needed. at the 


the 


ice regulations governing Saigon 


hotels, according to National Review. 
reflect a charming combination of Vict- 
namese uousnes, French sophis- 
tication American bureaucracy. 


must fill in a police Form. If any other 
person makes use of Ше room, she must 
alo register, whatever the length of her 


То whom it may concern: The follow- 
ing want ad ran not long ago in The 


New York 
unencumbei 
kenncl." 


Times. "Experienced. wom: 


ed. For position in breeding 


A Minneapolis judge, outraged by the 
sight of a man wearing a hat in hi 
courtroom, promptly ordered the disrc- 
spectful fellow to leave—which he did, 
without protest. A [ew minutes later, it 
was pointed out to the judge that the hat 
wearer had been awaiting trial on a 
burglary charg 


Presum: 


ply for shogun nupti: 
company in Cleveland advertised in 
The Plain Dealer that it was selling 
“Wedding Outfits, $108.50, complete with 
cylinders, torch, anti: 
regulators, hose, goggles 


nd light 


Incidental Intelligence 
Population Accord- 
ing to naturalist Url N. Lanham, in a 
new book entitled The Insects, reproduc 
tion in aphids is so rapid that females are 
born. pregnant. 


Department, 


THEATER 


a movi to a Broad- 


Trying to turi 


way musical comedy is about as upset- 
fing to the паш 
trying to turn a butterfly into а cocoon. 


In the case of Never on Sunday, the 
tempt is doubly dangerous. 
was largely environmental, The camer 
could lovingly yer casually show the 
colorful port of Piraeus, evoke the atmos- 
phere of wholesome corruption and let 
the audience be swept away by the 
headiness of the ouzo, the lilt of the bon- 
zouki and the Greckness of everyone and 
everything. АШ Myo parling—Jules Das 
musicalizı 


of his movie—has 


it is 
sexy 


M 
onal. y even be better on 
stage th: Im. The fact that she 
can't sing loud, doesn't dance much, 
isn't called upon to produce more than 
two tears and pronounces her Hs like Ks 
("Go home, Homer" becomes “бо kome, 
Komer”) is beside the point. She is а 
presence, aud the theater needs more of 
them. What уа has lost is Greece. The 
show he; natively if somewhat 
precariously, with four bouzouki players 
hanging on a scaffold from the ca 
but otherwise the orchestrations 
spirit too Broadwouki. 
Greek chorus line of husky men 
‘ms and clumping around the 
souped up with acrob. id p 
glers. The scenery by Oliver Smi 
nearly Delphinitive enough and the 
lyrics by Joe Darion ате touristy. Manos 


Never on Sunday. 
She 


е much 


ics 


h is not 


(Neve 


ron Sunday) Hadjidakis wrote the 
d although it is а cut above 
iything else in the show, except for its 
star, none of his new songs tingles like 
the old oue, which stops the second act 
cold. The saddest thing about the musi- 
cal is that it gives one second thoughts 
about the movie. Could anyone have 
really laughed at such flat dialog or been 
icd by Putty plot about 
an boob scout trying to intellec 
lize а happy whore out of whoredom? 
the show needs is subtitles. 
rk Hellinger, 237 West 5lst 


RECORDINGS 


With every new LP, the Bennett band 
wagon keeps gathering new reauirs. 
Tony Makes It Happen! (Columbia) should 
have them jumping aboard in droves. 
Accompanied by a conducted 
by Marion E: g some of 
the best jazzmen in the business (Urbi 
Green, Joe Wilder, Joe Newman), Ben- 
nett applies himself with artful purpose 
to such superstandards as She's Funny 
That Way, Can't Get Out of This Mood 
and Z Don't Know Why. 


orchestr 


Is and со! 


A fine batch of alto sax may be heard 
On This Is Criss! (Prestige). The inimitable 
Sonny Criss puts forth a liquid tone t 
lights up the likes of Black Coffee, When 
Sunny Gets Blue and Skylark. He's aided 
in his endeavors by а superior rhythm. 
section: pianist Walter Davis, t Paul 
Chambers and. drummer. Alan. Dawson. 


It’s funandgames time, folks. Tony 
Randall, оп Vo, Vo, De, Oh, Doe (Mereu- 
ry), has taken some of the all-time bad 
songs and performed them nobly, in the 
manner they deserve. Wor n the 
Twenties genre (t era 
for bad songs), Tony offers such outra- 
geous odes as Byrd (You're the Bird of 
Them All), Lucky Lindy and Воо Hoo 
(the а Carmen 
sound-alike). A magnificently atroci 
recording. 


wasa v 


latter Lombardo 


Chet Baker quietly drifted from 
the jazz bag to the pop purlieus, and 
one's los is the other's gain. Baker's 
gelhorn, backed bv strings, fills Into 
My Life (World Pacific) with good sounds 
—solt yet pervasive, Guantanamera, The 
Ballad of the Sad Young Men, All, et al. 


A splendid trio of first releases indi 
cates that the blues revival in England i 
still rolling along at full speed. In Gimme 
Some Lovin’ (United Artists), The Spen 
cer Davis Group performs 19 hard-rock 
numbers in The Animals tradition. Gu 


dis 


23 


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25 


26 


list Steve Winwood belt out 
hit version of Gimme Some Lovin’ 
and the classic Nobody Knows You When 
You're Down and Out. Nine of the num- 
bers were penned by members of the 
group. John Mayall, 'S Blves Breakers (Lon- 
don), feat 
organ and l 
bird Eric Clapton on guitar, demon- 
that the British have an 
nd unaccountable grasp of the 
idiom of the urban American 
Negro. Here, гоо. many of the tunes are 
originals. but the group also takes on 
such varied fare as Ray Charles’ What'd 
1 Say and Mose Allison's Parchman Farm, 
These are impressive pressings. The mo: 
Impressive, however, may be an etching 
with the unlikely title of The All Happening 
Zoot Money's Big Roll Band c! Klook’s Kleck 
(Epic). Despite the hokey packaging. this 
is a topllight album in the James Brown 
dition. Zoot Money's Big Roll Band 
wraps varied instrumentation (guitars, 
saxes, flutes) around the blues vocals by 
Money and sideman Paul Williams. 


The mood 
Smiles (Colum 


mainly upbeat on Miles 
). limned by the Miles 


Davis Quintet. Pushed by their chargi 
drummer, Tony Williams, and bas 
Ron Carter, D; tenor man Wayne 
Shorter and pianist Herbie Hancock 


plunge forthrightly into the fray: and it’s 
devil take the hindmost. For those who 
picture Miles as a two-dimensional, in 
trospectively. n rumpet man, this 
LP will be a revelation, 


ted 


Its all there in Ray Charles / A Мат 
and His Soul (ABC). The two-LP album re- 
prises the songs that have accompanied 
Charles on his ascendancy to the summit 
of soul—Busted, Ruby, Cry, You Are My 


Sunshine—in all, iwo dozen aural de- 
lights. 
A remarkable girl is Jacqueline Du 


Pré. Only 29, Miss Du Pré. displays а 
virtuosity fur beyond her years as she 
performs the Elgar Cello Concerto in E 


Minor, Op. 85 (Angel), with Sir John Bar- 
birolli and the London Symphony Or- 
chesta: and 


cello encores by Bach, 
alla and Bruch. Her tonc 
s masterful; her technique, assured; and 
the range aud intensity of feeling she 
conveys is marvelous (Bruch's Kol Nidrei 
is a consummate case іп point). 

Lana Cantrell's first LP, And Then There 
Was Lone (Victor), will obviously not be 
her last; it is an auspicious beginnir 
nce it gives the young Australi 
(sce this month's On the Scene) а 
showcase in which to display 
her full range of wares. Her voice has 
the capacity to belt (Nothing Can Stop 
Me Now!) to bounce (sm! This a 
Lovely Day), to ery (If You Go Away) 
and to caress (Since Г Fell for You). Miss 


émi- 


Cantrell's pitch is perfect and. her phras- 
ing is uniquely her own. Latch onto 
Lana now and avoid the rush. 


MOVIES 


A fine Georgian house by moonlight. 
Night sounds; somebody typing some- 
where; a jet passing overhead. And be- 
hind the camera, the noise of 
on the road, 


ars passing 
the 


on 


the result of a 
between Harold 


superb 
Pinter 


collaboration 
and Joseph Losey. Pinter's dialog—an 


ibrupt, wintry exchange of vagrant no- 
t apparent random—and Loscy's 
cinematic control—cool, curious, del 
erately editor 
а sad, cynical 
count 
bloodlessly cold and indillerent at best. 
Every action of the plot is a betrayal, un- 
dignified even by premeditation or hesi- 
tation, Pinter’s people simply collide and 


'gument that human c 
ccidental in all its forms and 


recoil, loveless. Nor are these cruelly 
undirected people the dregs of an 
upward-bent society. "They are a collec- 


dece 
young: 


tion of Oxford dons and their 
wives, of beautiful and aristocr: 
men and girls. And all their crude crowd. 
ing of one another is set against the best 
of England—the dreaming spires of Ox- 
ford: the great houses of England's af- 
fluent antiquity: the soft golden green 
aner. Two dons, а w 
gant boy and a compla 

nd drink and play 


ед 


ay through such a su 


y the basis for the fearsome t 
they will yet deal one another 
stumble boozily off to their beds. 
spite the almost unbelievable cruelty 
that follows, the setting and the situation. 
g disagreeably true in every respect. 
This is a beautifully made film, beauti 
fully acted by Dirk Bo 
Baker, Jacqueline £ 
chant. Michael York and Delphine Se: 
rig. Pinter even wrote in a tiny role for 
himself, a parody of his staccato. dialog 
out of his own mouth. 


De- 


hint of save-the-wildlife sen- 
entality (à la Born Free) flaws the 
grisliness of The Hunt, an uncompic 
ing work by 80-yearold wr 
Carlos Saur its are the 
argues persuasively that the most 
mal roaming the planet is 


man. There are four in the long hot day: 
hunting party—a rich, callow youth and 
three former Falangists, now 50ish and 


out for a bit of sport in the dry hill coun- 
пу of Spain where they used to snipe at 
Loyalists. Although the political nuances 


of the situation were sufficiently subtle 
to pass Franco's censors, the drama’s 
grim implications about the roots of vio- 
lence plain. One after another— 
bloody, cippled by gunfire ог flushed 
from their holes by trained ferrets—the 
rabbits die sex locked in dogs 
jaws. Between kills, the director lines up 
his sights for penetrating close-ups of the 
hunters and catches the three veterans 


licking some livid psychological wounds 
of then own. With waisllines thickening 
ng, they are too young for 


r wives, тоо old for their mistresses, 
too anxious about money, se 
Belore the afte ‚ booze has 
inllamed so many ancient grudges that 
the chances of getting home in one piece 
begin to seem roughly equal for man 


and status. 


noon 


ov 


amd rabbit. The Hunt's homendou 
climax is utterly convincing, without 
sensationalism. Though he occasionally 


loads his dialog with the message he 

to deliver, Saura depicts n 
ality with such spare. 
precision that pleasureminded 
viewers are apt to respond about as en- 
ihusiastically as they would to major 
surgery. An olé! is nonetheless in order 
for a successful. operation. 


Everybody in ta Vie de Chéteou is 


foolish, mad, absurd and very, very 
French: and anybody who is susceptible 
to the charm of Gallic farce—which is to 


sa 


. much of the moviegoing public 
across three generations—will find 
good deal to love and laugh at in Jean- 
Раш Rappeneaus first feature film, set in 
a kind of make-believe World War Two, 


Among the ladic: is hard to know 
whom to love most—the beautiful 
blonde charelaine of the chateau, Cath. 


erine Deneuve, or her termagant mother- 
Haw, the dows ly of the 
Mary Marquet. The men they dom 
utterly are Phillippe Noiret, the tatte 
end of а long and undistinguished | 
Pierre Brasseur, a blow! 
carlos Thomso l-climbing € 
n officer; and Henri Carcin, а lover, 
drunk and Resistance fighter 
even a funny company of 
troops, ostensibly under Thomson's com 
mand but in fact pressed beneath 
the aristocratic thumb of the dowager 
mistress. The cháteau in question, a 
crumbling Norman pleasure dome in the 
middle of an unkempt, sun-washed 
drops plaster from every ceiling 
shutters fron Чок, 
uthentic heroine itself. Like the style of 
this film, it is a relic of earlier. р 
better times, or perhaps of times that 
never were but are only dreamed of, whe 
girls were only beautiful, old ladies only 
dificult and men only pawns to pleasure, 
whatever their official obligations. 


а soc 


m 


There is 


Serman 


сусту м but is au 


haps 


Jane Fonda whines а lot, cries at the 
drop of a hat and never hesi 


.. the 5 varieties of choice 
two-row barleys 


..the skill of the brewmaster 
.. the expensive hops 


.. the carefully selected 
brewer's rice 


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.. the perfect water 


... the longer ageing? 


-— 8 


In Ler, going first 9 


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PLAYBOY 


30 


unfair advantage. She also longs for the 
bohemian life and is dedicated to bed as 
the object of marriage. АШ of which 
roughly accounts for why she finally 
finds new husband Robert Redford Bere- 
feat in the Park, hell-bent on proving that 


even а reasonable young lawyer can 
blow his cool when the unreasonable 
woman in his life demands it. In the 


movie version of Neil Simon's slight but 
sensationally successful Broadway come- 
dy, Redford is covering familiar ground: 
Barefoot made his fortune in the first 
place; he was its star on Broadway. For 
Miss Fonda, however. it is fresh ten 
tory, and she stakes it decisively. It would 
be tough to go wrong with Simon’s dia- 
log: aerial may be insubstantial, 
but his New York chatter is fresh and 
funny; and on issues по more profound 
than the altitude at which New York 
tend to 1 ally knows his stu 
The principal joke in Barefoot is that 
alter an ecstatic honeymoon at the Plaza. 
newlyweds Fonda and Redford move 
into a sixth-floor Village walk-up, which 
nobody but themselves can reach. with- 
out r а coronary. From telephone 
терай to furniture deliveryman, 
people make their aces by crashing, 
drained of color, k into the door 
jambs. Jane’s suburban mother, Mildred 
Natwick, is the one who at first suffers 
most from the altitude. But it is the 
eccentric Continental neighbor, Charles 
Boyer, who ultimately sustains the nose- 
Diced. There is nothing even remotely 
portant about this comic exerdse—but 
t's bright with Simon's breezy contem. 
porary talk. Gene Saks, а top-drawer 
shepherd of Broadway plays, has never 
directed a movie before, but from the 
high old hilarity everyone has he 
youd never dream he’s a füsttimer 


Пе 


"he London of The Jokers is the swin 
ing London where fashion demands that 
one be ileged and under 30. 
Straddling s ids, this impudent 
cime comedy abounds with reminders 
that England’s brilliant younger genera- 
tion, lacking tangible goals, i i 

life as an exercise in style. “Pity the great 
tain robberys been done," muses the 
elder of two brothers about town (Oliver 
Reed and Michael Crawford) who yearn 
to pull up their establishment roots and 
shake the public with some grand gesture. 
Just for fun, they decide to pilfer the 
Gown jewels from the Tower and, 
through а series of inspired pranks, soon 
have possession of the Imperial State 
Crown, St. Edward's Crown and the Orb 
nd Scepter. The snatch itself, a dandy 
sequence, is followed by ап unexpected 
twist of sibling weachery and several droll 


glimpses of the time of crisi 
Queen Е has to cut 
short a holiday at and a 


newsreel camera catches Pr nister 
Wilson in his shorts atop а rocky Medi- 
terrancan promontory “issuing a personal 


plea to the thieves.” What with visits to a 
London deb party, Sibylla's discotheque 
nd other local recreation areas, there is 
an awful lot of sociological snooping 
bout to impede the plots progress—but 
the ione stays crisp and flippant, thanks 
largely to Michael Crawford, one of the 
more nimble-footed light actors around. 


The Wor Gome runs only 47 mi 
enough time for the makers of what w 
originally а BBC-EV. documentary to 


Isles. The War Game ran into trouble on 
home grounds when it was first shown 
and it's not difficult to see why. It is 
gruesome. Peter Watkins, writer and di- 
rector, plainly meant to turn over the 
underside of the nightmare; апа even if 
he only partially succeeds, it is enough. 
The film roughly divided into two 
parts: the first showing the events leading 
up to the catastrophe, the second show 
the catastrophe. itself. In attempt 
demonstrate England's state of physi 
and psychological unpreparedness, the 
first part relies largely on a series of 
street interviews that аге not unlike 
those phony-impromptu ads оп Ameri- 
can ТУ. The nucl blast and its after- 
math, however, leave nothing wanting 
in realism. The hand-held-camera tech- 
nique, which is rapidly becoming a 
strabismic pain in the eyes, works here 
in dramatizing the chaos after the blast. 
Cool academic voices giving statistics 
alternate with scenes of scared flesh to 
drive the point home. The breakdown of 
civil order is effectively rendered by riots 
and police firing squads. Unfortunately, 
a silly invidiousness runs through the 
film. The implication is that while all 
nations are acting insanely, there is a 
special callousness to America's insanity. 
The movie runs down in power as the 
horror piles up. You feel that you are no 
longer being shown but propagandized. 
Propaganda or not, one haunting point 
The War Game does make: For pure un- 
bearability, the roar of explosions and 
the crash of buildin 
compared with the er 


ne 
to 


s are as nor 
ng of childr 


Aside from the names of a few charac- 
ters, John Huston's Casino Royole bears 
no relation to any book of the same title 
by Ian Fleming. And that is not а good 
thing. For in am effort to debunk the 
glory of Sean Connery as 007, in what be- 
Comes an ever more desperate race for 
sources of satire in materials already 
grossly satirized. the funny men fiddling 
with this plot settled finally for frenzy. It 
was going to be very pop: it was goir 
tum on visual experiments, surreal, psy- 
chedel: mages that hadn't been wied 
since Doctor Caligari opened his cabinet 
Bleached out against all the fizzing color 
and noise are Peter Sellers, shockingly 
ineffective as a sort of plastic James 
Bond; Woody Allen, who gets laughs 


here mostly bei 
ing when they hear his n 
assortment of beautiful women who, in 
the peach-colored light, lose all their dis 
tinguishing features, Ursula And 
Joanna Pener, Daliah Lavi: it's all one 
here. Orson Welles. who now seems con- 
tent to make a living playing bit parts as 
an obese old man sitting down, plays Le 
the baccarat champ. just that 
way: and there is a gallery of grotesque 
cameo appearanees—William Holden, 
Charles Boyer, Kurt Kasznar, Jean-Paul 
Belmondo, George Raft, even John Hus 
ton himself as (briefly) M. Also in this 
picture is Deborah Kerr. іп something 
woelully larger than a cameo bit, imper- 
sonating M's widow—but to remark on 
the lady's performance would be less 
than gallant. It is only David Niven, as 
the elderly, retired James Bond, who be- 
ny real sense of comedy. His se 


trays 


cret, and the rest of the cast should get 


^ on it, is something called restr 
The light and color and movement i 
this movie surpass understanding, inspire 
wonder nple men and turn their 
minds to jelly. See how the fantasies flow, 
dig the snobbery of inside jokes, marvel 
at the ubiquitous special effects. But don't 
look for acting and don't listen for laughs 


BOOKS 


Paul Goodman our most versa 
(from poetry to city planning) man of 
letters, as well as our most. provocative 
asker of radical questions about the na- 
ture of our society and the purposes of 
our lives. His newest book, Like о Con- 
quered Province; The Moral Ambiguity of Am 
ica (Random House), which consists of six 
lectures he gave on the Canadian Broad- 
ng system, has two main themes— 
the decisi ng system in America 
and the Че of protest against it. 
In the first. lecture, The Empty Society, 
he defines the way the system works—its 
tendency 10 expand for its own sake and 
to exclude human beings as useless: 
“Funct ljusted. to the technology 
rather than technology to function.” In 
CounterForces for a Decent Society 
(which ran in our March issue as The 
New Aristocrats), he speaks of the heart 
ening civil-liber 
current Supreme Court and the quality 
of today’s dissident young. The Morality 
of Scientific Technology, the third lec- 
ture, warns that “the organization of 
recent scientific technology has, by and 
ge, moved away from the trad| 


m direction of the 


. military and economic 
contol.” In Urbanization and Rural Re- 
construction, Goodman illustrates how 
the system's approach to urb: 
has been mindlessly careless 
costs "and even money costs." Among 
his solutions is the revitalization of rural 
areas to. provide an alternative way of 


2759. ANDY WILLIAMS- 
Love. Remember. Sand And Sea, 
Through The Might, 7 more 

3728. FRANK SINATRA — 


Plus: Winchester Cathedr 
Ny Love, Somewhere My 


3790. Plus: Remove — 3413. Alse: 1 Wish 
You Love. Free Again, 


Ve Mur, Martina, ete. 


The Arms Of 


Thats ше. 
‘What Now 
ме, 10 ina 


3684. HERB ALPERT L THE TIHUANA 
BRASS —5 R.O. Plus: Our Day Will Come, 
The Work Song, Mame, Flamingo, elc. 


THE HAPPY 
WONDERLAND 
OF BERT KAEMPFERT 


Schoen 
za wont. 


3632 Plus. 
And Clove, - 
Night And Day, etc 


3628. Also: Cancan, 
Greensleeves. Blut 
Ganube Waltz, etc. 


3202. Twin-Pack 3734. Plus. АП By 
Counts A Only One Myself, Whatll 100, 
Selection. Coastin’, etc 


1721. А childhood re. 
captured through a 


wacky looking glass 


37673768. Twin- 
Pack Counts ae Twa 
‘Selections 


HOROWITZ GERSHWIN 
IN CONCERT | | Rhapsody in Blue Wi 
Record’ Lg и a 1966 | [Ап American In Paris. IN- 
= PACK 
Counts As 
Only ONE 
Selection! 


special Twin- 
Patk counts as only one selection! 


m m] [Ems MILES DAVIS 

Jag BS QUINTET 
SHOW | | sini Miles Smiles 
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ESSE | ie Siena sae 


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m) juo 


COLUMBIA STEREO TAPE CLUB 


now offers you 


ANY 5 


STEREO TAPES 


FREE 


if you begin your membership by purchasing 
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months, from the more than 200 to be offered 


THE MAMAS 
& THE PAPAS 


FREE — it you join now 


REVOLUTIONARY SELF- 
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Just drop the end of the tape over this 
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That 
Kind Of Girl, words 
Of Love, 3 more 


RAMSEY LEWIS 


Trio 


Love Wer, Billy Boy, 
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ROGER WILLIAMS 
TII Remember You 


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Also: 1 Wish 


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Turn To, 8 more 


RAY CONNIFF'S 


WORLD OF HITS 


370). Also: WI Had 3747. Plus: Dear 
You, Just Friends. — Mearl Yesterday, Un- 
Ноте, Sposm" ett. chained Melody, etc. 


YES, IT'S TRUE! By joining the Columbia 
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have ANY FIVE of the magnificently re- 
corded 4-track stereo tapes described 
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to $47.75 — ALL FIVE FREE! 

TO RECEIVE YOUR 5 PRE-RECORDED 
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HOW THE CLUB OPERATES: Each month 
the Club's staff of music experts chooses 
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You may accept the monthly selec- 
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COLUMBIA STEREO TAPE 


3718. Also: Circle. 
Dolores. Ginger 
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After purchasing your first tape 
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Thereafter, you have no further obliga- 
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at any time. 

FREE TAPES GIVEN REGULARLY. If you 
wish to continue as a member after ful- 
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tape of your choice for every two addi- 
tional tapes you buy from the Club. 

The tapes уси want aro mailed and 
billed to you at the regular Club price 
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cordings somewhat higher), plus a small 
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SEND NO MONEY — Just mail the coupon 
today to receive your six stereo tapes 
and your FREE take-up reel! 


Note: All tapes offered by the 
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APO, FPO addresses 


rite Jor special offer. 


CLUB • Terre Haute, Indiana 


3335. This special Twin-Pack includes 


wo great Ray Conritt albums. Counts as 


only опе selector 


SEND NO MONEY 


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Terre Haute, Indiana 47808 


Please enroll me as a member of the Club. I've 

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recelve FREE. Tve also Indicated the tape I am 

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clude the self-threading take-up reel FREE. 
My main musical interest is (check опе): 


O CLASSICAL 


In addition to the frst selection 1 am buying 
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bership at any time thereafter. If 1 continue, 1 
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for every two additional selections I accent. 


nm P P P س‎ 


1967 Ci 


Nome. 
«еме 


415-1/49 


fans knoe I SINATRA | [WATCH д | 
85 Arme | [our A 
THE KOSTELANETZ. SANDS 

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oun BASIE 
and the 


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Also: Summer 
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jaret, ete. 


TWIN- 

PACK EUGENE 

Counts As ORMANDY 

‘Only ONE "масер plus Night and Day 
Selection! ена ‘You're the Top « 5 MORE 


3769. nise: Love For 
Sale, 1 Get А Kick 
Out OF You, etc. 


3792. Also: Russian 
Sailers’ Oance, Polo 
naise, 6 more 


JUST MAIL COUPON! 


M BUYING, 
THIS TAPE NOW 


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life for many now trapped in the cities. 
The Psychology of Being Powerless, the 
fifth lecture, differentiates between the 
ways in which various sections of the so 
ciety react to their inability to govern 
their own lives. Those in the middle 
dass, for instance, “retreat to their fami- 
lies and to the consumer goods—areas in 
which they still have some power and 
choice.” And finally, Goodman asks, Is 
American Democracy Viable? We hopes 
so, citing his conviction that the abiding 
American tradition “is pluralist, populist 
and libertarian, while the Establishment 
is monolithic, mandarin and managed.” 
But Goodman's hope of that tradition’s 
regaining control is uncertain. Accord 
ingly, he ends by warning his Canadian 
listeners, "For our sake, as well as your 
own, be wary of us. 


Hot or cool the short story has be 
come a vanishing medium. A collection 
by a name author usually represents 
nothing more than some funny or unfun 
ny things that occurred to him on the 
way to his next novel. But anything from 
the polished pen of Graham Greene has 
to be read with respect: Few writers in 
any métier rival him in artful skill or sul 
Jen craft. And though in Mey We Bor- 
row Your Husband (Viking) much of the 
Greene is corn, it does include Mortmain 
(which first appeared in PLAYBOY), а 
comic gem concerning a mistress’ well 
timed revenges, and Cheap in August, a 
small masterpicce headed for the antholo- 
gies. This story alone is worth the price 
of admission. A Tea and Sympathy-style 
British faculty wife, nearing the rough 
shores of 40 and married to an Ameri 
profesor fitting Henry James descrip 
tion of the type ("a man of intellect 
whose body was not much to him and its 
senses and appetites not. importunate"), 
goes to Jamaica out of season intent on a 
holiday fling. But, alas, she seems to run 
into only willowy New York fairies and 
fat Saint Louis women. Finally, she 
meets an old walrusy American, over 70, 
who seems scarcely the answer to a 
maiden's prayers. But his utter honesty is 
completely disarming: He admits that he 
skimps along on remittances from his 
brother, that he is a total failure, that he 
is so full of fears that he is afraid to sleep 
in the dark alone. And one quiet night 
she gently gives herself to him physical 
ly, even though he had only sought her 
out spiritually, “Не said, ‘I never had 
this in mind." ‘I know. Don't say it. I un- 
derstand.’ ‘I guess after all we've got a 
lot in common,’ he said, and she . . . 
wondered afterward, when she thought 
of him, what it was they could have had 
in common, except the fact, of course, 
that for both of them Jamaica was cheap 


їп August.” 


an 


On the off-chance that there is a foun- 
dation around with some uncommitted 
funds in search of a project, its board of 


RELAX A WHILE... 
With PLAYBOY As Your Guide 


А. Playboy King-Size Towel, Code No. M36, $6. 
B. Playboy Golf Putter, Code No. M48, $22. 


C. Playboy Shirt (in black, red, white, dark blue, powder blue and burgundy) 
Sizes small, medium, large, extra large. Code No. W20, 36. 


D. Playmate Stirt (in same colors as Playboy Shirt). 
Sizes small, medium, large. Code No. W32, 36 

E. Playboy Hand Puppet, Code No. 1128, $6. 

F. Playboy Cocktails for Two Set 

(mixer, stirrer, two glasses), Code No. 012,85. 
б. Playboy Deluxe Cocktails for Two Set 
(includes tray, Femlin Ше and knife as pictured), Code No. 08, 315. 
Н. Playboy Binder (holds six issues), Code No. B92. 52 

1. Bedside Playboy, Code No. B4, $6. 

J. Playboy Playing Cards (two decks, boxed), Code No. MAA, S3. 
к. Cocktail Napkins by Cole (set), Code No. 032. 31. 
1. Playboy Beer Mug, Code No. D4, 55. 

M. Playboy Coffee Mug, Code No. 016. $2.50. 
N. Playboy Jumbo Lighter, Code No. M32, $20 


Please specily Code No., quantity, size and color 


(where choice is given). 
АП prices postpaid. 


Shall we enclose a gif card in your name? 

Send check or money order to: PLAYBOY PRODUCTS, Department Н 
919 North Michigan Avenue = Chicago, Illinois + 60611 

Playtoy Club credit keyholders may charge to their ген Key Card number. 


PLAYBOY 


34 


directors could do worse than set up а 
task force to compile a definitive bib- 
liography of the collected works of 
Georges Simenon—a task complicated by 
the fact that somewhere in the world a 
new Simenon edition is issued cach day. 
About 15 years ago, it was estimated that 
he had written well over 400 novels, most- 
ly psychological suspense stories. That 
would make The Old Mon Dies (Harcourt, 
Brace & World) around his 500th. As less 
prodigious authors have been heard 10 
grumble, if there were any justice in this 
world, it be just another piece of hack- 
work. It isn't, of course. Even Simenon's 
Inspector Maigret mysteries, Which he 
wrote by the dozens, were far from rou- 
tine. The plain truth is that during the 
past [ew years, Simenon has been writing 
straight novels” and performing better 
than ever. The Bells of Bicétre was the 
icrcing interior monolog of a successful 
Parisian publisher recovering from а 
stroke. The Little Saint was a tender 
portrait of a child who grew up in Les 
Halles, the market district of Paris, to 
become a great painter. Simenon's new 
book, also laid in Les Halles, is about the 
death of a man his Jate 70s after a 
scrimping lifetime during which he built 
up a successful restaurant. Only one of 
the old man's sons, Antoine, worked with 
him in the restaurant, eventually becom- 
ing his father's partner. "Fhe other two 
had rejected the family business, Ferdi- 
nand, the eldest, had become a minor 
magistrate. Bernard, the youngest, had 
become nothing at all—an overgrown 
child, an alcoholic black sheep. When 
their father dies, Ferdinand and Bernard 
turn on Antoine. They and their women 
smell a legacy and they want to know 
where their father's money is, In de- 
this sordid family squabble, 
Simenon packs a phenomenal amount of 
human experience into 150 pages—the 
relentless passage of time, character ero- 
sion, greed and pettiness, and also sim- 
ple goodness and steadfastness, There is 
no editorializing, no attempt to prove 2 
point. The people and the events are 
imply there, quite humanly there. Sime- 
non has an uncanny way of putting a 
book together—a quick scene, a line of 
dialog. a memory, flashback, no big set 
piece. "The parts all fit together like a 
dream seen by a clear-eyed sleeper, al 
ways fascinated at what people can do to 
themselves and each other, but never 
surprised. Simenon has written still an- 
other fine book. Four earlier Simenon 
novels. newly permitted publication in 
the United States, are now available in 
An American Omnibus (Harcourt, Brace & 
World). 


toonist, caricaturist, essayist, acerbic 
satirist, comic novelist and playwright, 
chronicler of the great comic-book heroes 
of his youth and of the great nonherocs 


of his adulthood, Jules Feiffer is Ameri- 
саз public grouser. number one, а р 
fessional pest, a man for all media. The 
Feiller explosion has produced a moun- 
tain of wit and а pile of royalties. But 
success, and occasional failure (such as 
his first Broadway play, Little Murders, 
which was sharper than last spring’s 
broad production made it seem), has not 
foiled Feiffer. His latest cartoon collec 
tion, Feiffer’s Marriage Monual (Random 
House), is, as usual, skinny, solt, cheap 
d short—62 unpaginated pages—but 
packed with bite and bile. As rravsoy 
readers must know by now, with Jules, 
is not just the tag line u 
whole world of awesome dr 
delusions, fumblings, frustrations. In his 
Marriage Manual, which is пос merely 
about marriage and is not a manual for 
anything, she puts a rose in her teeth and 
he dissolves in a paroxysm of pleasure, 
until she removes the rose and he recog- 
nizes her as Gladys. “ГИ put it back, 
George,” she says, but he clumps gloom- 
ily away. There is the housewife who i 
looped on drugs—a different one cach 
day—then runs out of everything, drags 
herself to the breakfast table as herself 
a prune in curlers. "Who are you?" he 


matters 


ams, 


screams, "and what have you done w 
Dorothy?" Another husband has a 
identity. He is really Captain Marvel, but 


his wife yawns at him. So—SHAZAM! 


—he turns back into Billy Batson, “weak, 
inept and utterly contemptible. , . . 
Once more we're happy" In Feiffer, 


everybody flops, 
loveless couple s 
them full of ai 


even Cupid. He sees a 
g on a bench, shoots 
ows. They blame the 
pain on nerves, cigarettes, heavy meals. 
No one in Feifferland knows what love 

but they all want son Love your 
enemies,” concludes the lady on the last 


page. “Irs too dangerous an emotion to 
use on your friends.” Read Feiffer. He's 
too dangerous to be ignored. 


Suppose that in the years before Co- 
lumbus sailed for the New World there 
had been a talented author, expert in the 
science of oceanic navigation and a firm 
believer not only that a New World and. 
its inhabitants existed but that they 
would be vastly worth discovering. Sup- 
pose, further, that this gentleman h 
athered together the key wri 
ng upon such 
developments. ad 
shipbuilding, theories about oce: 
mons. What a treasure such a book 
would bc for today's historian! Histori- 
ans of the future who will be studying 
the Columbuses of space exploration 
have better provided for. The 
Coming of the Space Age (Meredith), cdited 
by Arthur C. Clarke, combines fact and 
fiction, technology and poetry, history 
and prediction. One section highlights 
significant. technical. achievements—from 


been 


the development of German tockemy 
under Werner von Braun at Peenemünde 
and the orbiting of Sputnik I to 
detailed review of American and Ru: 
manned-flight programs. Other sections 
profile pioncers in rocketry, outline the 
uses of space expeditions and explore 
such beguiling items as possible alien 
life forms, how a calendar would work 
on Mars, the time-dilatation effects of 
lightspeed travel, and means of com- 
municating with extraterrestrial. Most 
stimulating is Clarke's final section on 
Space and the Spirit, in which he ex: 


intelligent life on other worlds. has it 
been redeemed by God? Does it, indeed, 
need redemption at all if it has never 
fallen from grace? Has Jesus appeared on 
other planets? For [uturians, Clarke's 


book will serve as a fooinote to the 1 


tory of the space age. For today's readers, 
s the essence of what has been and 
what may be in our journey to the int 
stellar reaches. The prodigious Clarke, no 
stranger to these pages, is also repre 
sented on the fiction front this season 
with a volume of 25 stories (including 
rıaysov's famed Z Remember Babylon), 
The Nine Billion Names of God ([arcourt, 
Brace & World), and hardcover reissues 
of two of his most satisfying sci-fi novels, 
The Sands of Mars and The City and the Stors 
(Harcourt, Brace & World). 


The most agreeable aspects of settlin 
back with anything by P. G. Wodehouse 
(sce Ukridge Starts а Bank Account else- 
where in this issue) are, first, the comfort 

rity of each character, no 
what his name may be in the 
at hand; and second, the equally 
able knowledge that every dire 
twist and threatening turn of plot will 
miraculously end. happily for the entire 
dramatis penonae. So it is that more 
than half the fı ling The Purloined 
Paperweight (Simon & Schust 
from greeting old friends in new guises 
and Irom watching P. G. fiendishly tangle 
and then dexterously untangle the in- 
numerable skeins of his sometimes woolly 
yarn, Anyone attempting to summarize 
а Wodehouse plot deserves what he gets. 
Suffice it 10 say that this one pivots on 
the machinations of Henry Paradene 
the on-hisuppers owner of 
tecturally monstrous manor 
sell s 
aire |. Wendell Stickney, an avid collec- 
tor of 18th Century French paperweights, 
despite the schemes of his dh 
harebrained nephew, the romantic af- 
fairs of his lovely niece, the feckless 
emotions of a young man who rescues 
cats from trees and falls in love at first 
sight, the doings of a cook-marrying bill 
collector and—well, you see into what 
a moras we have fallen. Just as all 
seems darkest, Wodehouse performs hi: 


г) comes 


an archi. 


house. to 


id manor to the American million: 


ет“ 


E» 


Playhoy Club News — 


VOL. П. NO. 84-Е 


©1967, PLAYBOY CLUBS Y 


SPECIAL EDITION 


~ YOUR ONE PLAYBOY CLUB KEY 
ADMITS YOU TO ALL PLAYBOY CLUBS 


JULY 1967 


Apply for Your Key Now and Save! 


LONDON (Special) — Playboy 
Club members, celebrities and 
guests are still thronging the 
London Club seven nights a 
week. The Club offers so much 
— fun and games, the informal 
air of a luxurious penthouse 
apartment and the atmosphere 
of a sparkling private party in 
Playboy's beautifully appointed 
clubrooms. Without doubt, the 
greatest value in Mayfair, 
Applications for Charter 
Membership in the London 
Playboy Club are being accept- 
ed right now. Apply for mem- 
bership today and save £8.8.0 
during your first year апа 
£5.50 each year thereafter. 
The complete range of 
Playboy-styled entertainment 
makes it possible for you to 
spend an entire evening on the 
town without ever leaving the 
Club. The Playroom cabaret 
showroom (with acts chosen 
from the largest talent roster in 
the world) presents three shows 
nightly, four on Saturday. Dine 
on Playboy's hearty steak din- 
ner — af the same price as a 
drink—es you enjoy the show. 
Dance to exciting beat groups 
and the latest popular record- 
ings at the Living Room Dis- 
cotheque, scene of Playboy's 
elaborate buffet spread. There's 
alo dancing between shows in 
the Playroom cabaret. Enjoy 
epicurean cuisine impeccably 
served by velvet-clad butlers 


| 


Bunny croupiers call 
the Playboy gaming tabl 
bers and guests try their luck. 


and Bunnies in the VIP Room 
Plan on meeting your friends 
for а before-dinner cocktail or 
after-dinner drink in the inti- 
mate VIP Lounge, the perfect 
place to convene. 

The Penthouse Casino, occu- 
pying the entire top floor of the 
Club. features blackjack, Ameri- 
can dice and roulette. Other 
gaming rooms include the Cer- 
toon Comer and Playmate Bar 
Blackjack and Roulette Room. 

Open the door to the Playboy 
world of excitement—by mail- 
ing the coupon today you save 
£8.80 during the first year of 
membership and £5.50 each 
year thereafter. Full credit privi- 
leges are available to those who 
qualify, enabling them to sign 
for all purchases at the London 
Club. For credit privileges, just 
tick the appropriate box. Act 
now, while special charter mem- 
bership is still available. 


Pretty Micki McClellai 


belts out a tune while Bunnies serve Playboy's 
king-size drinks. Micki appeared in the Playroom three weeks in May. 


И you are staying in London over- 
night, reserve a luxurious suite 
located above The Playboy Club. 


APPLY NOW AND SAVE— 
CHARTER ROSTER LIMITED 
Reserve your place on 
Charter Rolls (Initiation Fee 
£3.3.0, Annual Subscrip- 
tion 25.5.0) which assures 
you a substantial saving 
Over Regular Membership 
Fees (Initiation £6.6.0, An- 
nual Subscription £10.10.0). 

Applicants from the Con- 
tinent may enclose Initiation 
Fee in equivalent funds of 
their own country in cheque, 
money order or currency. 

The Playboy Club reserves 
the right to close the charter 
roster without prior notice. 


Visiting London? Stay At Forty-Five 
Park Lane, Atop The Playboy Club 


LONDON (Special)—Luxurious 
suites located above the London 
Club, with their own entrance, 
lobby and lift, are available to 
Playboy visitors on a daily, 
weekly or monthly besis. Hand- 
somely furnished in contempo- 
rary decor, each has its own TV, 
bath and kitchenette-bar. 

Daily maid and linens, 24- 
hour switchboard and porter 
services are included. Arrange- 
ments can be made for car-hire, 
theatre tickets, travel arrange- 
ments, secretarial service, sight- 
seeing tours, valet and laundry. 


Rates for studio singles are 
5 gns. daily, 30 gns. weekly and 
120 gns. monthly. For reserva- 
tions and information on studio 
twins, deluxe suites end pent- 
house apartments, address Rc- 
ception Manager, 45 Park Lane, 
London, W.1, England, Telex 
262187 or phone MAYfair 6001. 


‘One Key Admits You То АП Clubs 
Atlanta = Baltimore = Boston 
Chicago + Cincinnati + Detroit 
Jamaica * Kanses City * London 
Los Angeles * Miami * New 
Orleans * New York = Phoenix 
St. Louis * San Francisco 


Г — — CLIP AND MAIL THIS APPLICATION TODAY = == == 


TO: Membership Secretary. 


l — THE PLAYBOY CLUB, 45 Park Lane, London W.1, England 1 
] Here is my application for membership in The Playboy Club. 1 enclose | 
£3.3.0 being the Initiation Fee for charter members. | understand 
I that the Annual Subscription for charter members will be с5.5.0, pay- | 


J able upon notification o 


acceptance. 


(BLOCK LETTERS, PLEASE) — 


PROFESSION OR OCCUPATION 


SIGNATURE OF APPLICANT 


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magic, uniting lovers, thwarting villains, 
dispensing largess. This is, incredibly. 
Wodehouse’s 71st novel. And if the 
uied.and-true ingredients—the bemused 
dialog. the non sequiturs. the outrageous 
coincidences—bring smiles instead ої 
guffaws, there's still a lot to be said for 
smiling. 


“Three passions, simple but over- 
whehningly strong, have governed my 
life: the longing for love, the search for 
knowledge, and unbearable pity for the 
suffering of ma These passions, 
like gı inds, have blown me hither 
E wayward course. over a 
ing to the 
very ge So writes Ber- 
trand Russell in a brief introductory note 
Autobiography (Little, Brown). Lord 
Russell, tells us that of his three 
motivating passion have sought love 
because it brings ecstasy,” and th: 
t—I have found.” As 
for his passion to alleviate the suffering 
of mankind, he has, like all great me 
before hi been frustrated in that 
superhuman quest and in recent years h; 
been led often to oversimplified а 
Amcrican outcrics. This volume— billed 
as the autobiography is actually. 
record of his first four decades, ending 
in 1914. Russell is di andid 
about his adolescent his 
inhibited first marriage and his first extra- 
marital affair, with Lady Ottoline Mor 
rell, whom he objectively describes as 
being "very tall, with a Jong thin fiue 
something like a horse, and very beau 


a 


е, the great philosopher 
varmed up for his more 
lly more satisfying liai- 
nb diese carly reminiscences are 
€ a primer to what he must have expe- 
nd reflected on later, in the re- 
m both of the mind and of the body. 
About this germinal stage he show: 
ing frankness, and his brief descrip- 
tion of the breakup of his first mar 
is typical of his mauer-of-fact attitude 
and the chatty style of his autol 
raphy. When he told his w 
about his affair with Lady Опо 
ve became unbearable, After she had 
stormed for some hours, I gave a lesson 
in Locke's philosophy to her niece. Karin 
Costelloe, who wi 

i ms]. I then rode away on my 
1 with that my first mar 
came to an end. I did not sce Alys a 
until 1050, when we met as friendly 
acquaintances.” An opportunity to brush 
up on Russell's early writings on logic 
and philosophy is newly afforded by 
Philosophical Essays (Simon & Schuster), а 
long-out-of-print collection of some ol 
the sharper thoughts of one of the world’s 


sharpest minds. 


THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 


Last month, a classmate fixed me up 
with a girl who he said was bright, good- 
looking and very liberal about sex. It all 
sounded too good to be true—and it w 
Although the first two statements about 
her were accurate, the last was not. I 
made so many passes I felt like Johnny 
Unitas, but she sure wasn't any Ray 
Berry. She has avoided a second date, 
nd I have heard from a mutual female 
riend that she considers me “the biggest 
wolf she ever went out with." The trou- 
ble is, I like her a lot and think that we 
could get a good thing going. How can 
1 let her know that I was wolfing around 
only on the basis of false information?— 
W. G., Chicago, Illinois. 

To paraphrase Dorothy Parker: Girls 
seldom take a pass from guys who lack 
class. Letting locker-room rumors about 
п lass’ sexual liberality dominate a first 
date is, in most rulebooks, class Z. After 
this experience, you'd probably have to 
do handstands on the goal post to con- 
vince her of your sincerity, so we'd say 
forfeit the match and move оп. In fu- 
ture date games, you would be wise to 
arrange а few getacquainted huddles 
before trying to score. 


WI coworkers and 1 have argued as to 
where the largest gold reserve 
world is stored. They claim that 
Fort Knox, Kentucky, but I believe it is 
in the Vatican. Who is right;—C. М 
APO San Francisco, California. 

God only knows. The Vatican's wealth 
is reputedly comprised primarily of 
stocks, bonds, trust funds and holding 
companies; but there has never been a 
revelation of how much gold (if any) the 
papal strongbox contains. The Federal 
Reserve Board estimates that 10 billion 
dollars’ worth of gold (of a total free- 
world reserve of 13-4 billion) ix buried 
at Fort Knox. It is not likely that the 
Vatican can top this; so if you're willing 
to concede on the basis of probabilities, 
your co-workers win the golden egg; but 
if you're the type who demands absolute 
proof, don’t pay. 


W have been married for 12 years and 
have had а wonderful relationship with 
my husband, in bed and out, Now, sud- 
denly, he is infatuated with another wom- 
an. One of the reasons, I think, is that he 
is an enginecr and she is a technician who 
works as his assistant, so they share many 
interests that I cannot hope to share. For 
about a year. 1 have been listening with 
growing anxiety as he praises this “won- 
derful girl’; and finally, three months 
ago, he admitted he was in love with her. 
He insists that there have been no sexual 


relations between them, and I believe 
him, because he is a man of great і 
tegrity. The problem remains, however: 
He is miserable and feeling guilty, I 
am miserable and afraid, and neither of 
us knows quite what to do. He docsn’t 
want a divorce, he doesn't want to marry 
the girl. but he finds his daily association 
ith her a source of continuous tempt: 
tion, which causes guilty feelings toward 
me. What can we possibly do?—Mr 
W. K., Boise, Idaho. 

If your husband follows Oscar Wilde’s 
advice that the best way to conquer a 
temptation is to yield to it, the urge may 
come and go, like a seven-year itch, with 
no permanent damage to your relation- 
ship. This is a risky business, however. 
Because of the proximity of your hu. 
band’s assistant and because of their mu- 
tual interests, the temptation might well 
develop into an avocation and should, 
therefore, be removed rather than 
yielded to. Ask your husband to have his 
assistant. transferred. 10 another. depart- 
ment (or fired, if that isn't. possible). If 
he sincerely wants to save your marriage, 
he'll agree. 


Д friend and I got into a discussion as 
to what the letters GTO, as in Pontiac 
GTO, stand for. He claims they mean 
Gran Turismo Omologato. 1s he correct 
and, if so, what docs it mean?—G. E., 
Spokane, Washington. 

Your friend is correct. Gran Turismo 
Omologato, roughly translated from the 


lalian, means “supreme grand touring 
сат” 


у 5 were the masters" 
ighters. One of them attracted the at- 
tentions of both my roommate (а varsity 
wrestler) and myself. We had a friendly 
contest for her affections, which I did not 
win. He's no better looking than I, but 
—unlike me—he's able to dominate most 
social situations. without much effort. 
This was only my first involvement, but 


Im alid of becoming a perennial 
second. Whats your advice2—M. C., 
Middletown, Delaware. 


From your description, it sounds as if 
you consider yourself an also-ran before 
the social com petition has actually begun. 
Such an attitude will unquestionably as- 
sure you of being a “perennial second.” 
105 possible you've acquired а dandy in- 
feriority complex (whether it’s justified, 
we can't tell), but it's just as possible that 
you're rooming with the wrong person. 
Before worrying about the former, we'd 
test the latter by finding a new room- 
mate next semester. 


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Ап 
Olympus Pen-EES 
Spoils 
All the Fun! 


How can girl be helpless and feminine 
these days? Take cameras, for example. 

Harry used to spend hours gazing deep 
into my eyes and talking about f/stops 
and shutter speeds and depth of field 
and all those wild things. 

He felt so superior thumbing my fuzzy 
prints... called me his little spendthrift 
because of all the film | wasted. 

So what happened? You guessed it. 
Some feline friend have me an Olympus 
Pen-EES. 

Now all I do is press this little shutter 
button. That's all. Perfect pictures every 
time, And the Pen-EES is so thri 
a half-frame so 1 get twice as many pic- 
tures per roll of standard 35mm film 

1 tell you... this camera can ruin a 
girl's reputation. Now Harry calls me a 
"brain". If you think the Pen-EES isn't 
devastating, just go down to your near- 
est camera shop. and see for yourself. 


рән 


Olympus 
OLYMPUS OPTICAL CO., LTD., Tokyo, Japan 


OLYMPUS OPTICAL CO., (Europa), GmbH. 
2 Hamburg 1, Steindamm 105. 


Fhe been considering buying a new 
diesel-powered automobile, since they 
seem to offer tremendous economy. (1 
drive about 20,000 miles a year.) For ex- 
ample, one manufacturer ran an ad that 
totaled costs—including depreciation, re- 
pairs, insurance, tires and fuel—incurred 
by one diesel owner who'd put 600,000 
miles on his car; and they came t 
four cents a mile, But, unfortu 
I've heard some ugly rumors about diese! 
cars. One friend who owned a la 
Fifties model called it his "pet sna 
because the acceleration was so damned 
slow. He also maintained that di 
freezes in the winter, 
somewhat difficult, and th 
gine was as quict as a concrete mixe 
think youR—M. Z, Detroit, 
gan 

We think you should put. yourself in 
the driver's seat: Rent one of the cars for 
a weekend and check it out. Here's some 
information to consider before making 
a final decision: Several firms, includ- 
ing Mercedes-Benz, manufacture diesel- 
powered autos. Some people swear by 
them; others swear at them. You won't 
win drag races with a diesel (unless you 
compete with another diesel), but recent 
models are surprisingly peppy. Diesel 
dealers claim that the cars will start 
in winter if you add gasoline or kero. 
sene to the fuel and install a heavy-duty 
battery and keep it well charged. Late- 
model diesels run more quietly. than 
earlier ones; but, we hasten to add, a 
confirmed dieselite's idea of quiet may 
still seem noisy to someone reared on gas- 
powered cars. Depending on where you 
live, service can be a problem. Few gas 
stations pump diesel fuel; and to be on 
the safe side, the car should be taken 10 
a dealer (or а well-equipped diesel truck 
stop) for major maintenance work. How- 
ever, diesels can be run cheaply (fuel 
costs three to ten cents less per gallon). 
Also, the engines remain relatively 
trouble-jrec, since they have fewer parts 
1o go out of whack. 


and I attended a performance 
play at which we found ourselves 
sitting behind a young woman whose 
skirt had. become unzipped at the back. 
I thought that the correct thing to do 
would be to tip her off, but my friend 
insisted that doing so would only cause 
emba all around—so we 
nothing. What would you have don 
the same spoU—]. S, Memphis, Ten 
nesses 
We'd have tipped her off, feeling that 
amy minor embarrassment caused to ci- 
ther party would be far less than the em- 
barrassment suffered by the lady if the 
condition uncorrected. The 
method of telling her could have been as 
simple as asking another lady 10 pass the 
word along (that is, if you found the 


said 


rassment 


continued 


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disarrayed girl so unattractive you didn't 
wish to meet her); otherwise, the notion 
that even the most awkward conversa 
lion opener is belter than none should 
have guided you to do the good deed 
yourselves. 


White checking my baggage for a flight 
to Seattle, І was told by an airline clerk 
that my plane's departure would be de- 
layed an hour. Not wishing to let a friend 
who was to meet. me at the airport wait 
unnecessarily, 1 made a long-distance call 
and informed him of the delay. However, 
1 was tempted 10 ask the airline for a 
reimbursement on the call. Would it have 
been correct for me to do so? ] 
Madison, Wiscon 

Alihough company policies differ, most 
major airlines will assume the cost of a 
transcontinental call if a flight delay oc- 
curs. However, the accepted procedure is 
lo ask a passenger-relations representative 
to place the call for you 


WI, problem ties with my girl's step- 
father. He's a gruff, boorish bear of а man 
who shows instant contempt for anyone 
who is not a White Saxon Protes- 
tant. He's anti-N anti- 
ntal—indeed, 


anti just about every 
group I can think of. Perhaps I could ig- 
nore him better if it weren't for the fact 
that I am Je bur whenever I arrive 
at his home to pick up his stepdaughter 
for a date, he greets me with а supposed- 
ly witty anti-Semitic epithet. The remarks 
aren't vicious—in fact, he probably 
thinks his comments are friendly and 
good natured. I doubt that I wi 


1 marry 
this girl, so there's no deep social prob 
lem involved here: but what can I do to 
handle this obstreperous old guy?—B. M., 
Phoenix, Arizona. 

You appear not to be taking his bigol- 
ry personally—ihich is wise, since he 
apparently hates everyone, regardless of 
race, creed or national origin. Although 
we think it best to ignore lum, some 
ning you might whip oui Disraeli's retort 
То an anti-Semitic parliamentarian: “Yes, 
Tam a Jew, and when the ancestors of 
the right honorable gentleman were bru- 
tal savages in an unknown island, mine 
were priests in the temple of Solomon 


[М long ago, ага yachedub regatta, 1 
Ш amphibious car drive acr 
the beach and into the er. It then 
proceeded ло putput around about 100 
yards offshore. Can you tell me the make 
of car and what country manufactures 
а=. L, Christchurch, Virginia. 

What you saw was probably an Am 
phicar, a small Wed German vehicle 
distributed in America by Ranchero Мо. 
tors, 231 Washinglon Avenue, Karlstadt, 
New Jersey. Write directly to them for 
more information. 


saw a sm 


S 


Tor richer flavor. 

New Bull Durham's 

ready rolled. Filter tipped. 
Thicker. Made extra size 
to smoke extra slow. 

The slower the smoke, 


the better the taste. 
E us 


‘Bull Durham says: 


Ismoke slow” 


BULL 


DURHAM 


V 


Extra Size 
Cigarettes 


FILTERTIP 


PLAYBOY 


HAIG 


IN AMERIGA 


When people get hold of the most 
mixable, hoistable, enjoyable taste in 
scotch whisky, they stay with it. 

a It happened in modern England (where Haig 
has been the largest-selling scotch for the 
last 25 years). And now it’s happening here. 

* Why Haig of all scotches? Maybe because 
the House of Haig, world’s oldest distiller 
of scotch whisky, has been at it since 1627. 
They've had the time to get the right taste 
and the talent to keep it up-to-date. 
Itisthis tastethat can now happen to you. 
Once it does, we think you'll stay with it. 
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Please seule а long-standing argument 
among college students. What school has 
the largest fraternity system in the U. S2 
—R. S., University Park, Pennsylvania. 
The University of Ilinois is all-campus 
champ, with 55 chapters; Penn State and 
Cornell тип a close second, with 51 cach. 


Having been divorced two years ago. 
with custody of my three children going 
10 my ex-wife, I've fallen in love with a 
wonderful gitl We've been going to- 
gether for a year and I've never told her 
about my previous mar although 
she has been completely frank with me 
about her own We want to get 
married, and I want to tell her about my 
marital history, but I'm afraid this might 
make a difference between us. For one 
thing, it would disillusion her a little. 
since I haven't been completely open 
with her up to now. For another, my 
girl feels that when she gets married it 
should be forever, and 1 wonder if she 
might feel that the failure of my first 
marriage makes me a poor prospect. I 
know this isn't true; I would be happy 
spending the rest of my lile with this gil 
and I'm surc our marriage will work, Al- 
though my ex-wife lives near here and 1 
see our children from time to time, there 
is a chance that I сап get away with 
keeping the whole thing a secret from 
my girl. What should 1 di 1. C, Los 
Angeles, California. 

Speak up. It should be obvious that 
your previous reluctance to talk about 
this was motivated by love for her and 
that your present effort to be honest with 
hey is, too. As for her possible fear of 
marrying a man whose first marriage 
failed, you can reassure her with these 
words from Morton M. Hunt's excellent 
book “The World of the Formerly Mar- 
ried": “A growing number of psycho- 
analysts and clinical psychologists believe 
that human nature remains much move 
plastic after childhood than Freud re- 
alized, and that it is capable of change 
and growth even in the adult years, if 
exposed to significant experiences or to а 
new environment. It follows that mar- 
riage, divorce and [formerly married] life 
can importantly add to the individual's 
emotional capacity, self-knowledge and 
judgment, and that most divorced people 
should do belter in their vemarriages 
than they did in their first ones.” 


All reasonable questions—from fash- 
ion, food and drink, hi-fi and sports cars 
to dating dilemmas, taste and etiquette 
—will be personally answered if the 
writer includes a stamped, self-addressed 
envelope. Send all letters to The Playboy 
Advisor, Playboy Building, 919 N. Mich- 
igan Ave., Chicago, Illinois 60611. The 
most provocative, pertinent queries will 
be presented on these pages each month. 


PLAYBOY’S INTERNATIONAL DATEBOOK 
BY PATRICK CHASE 


ABROAD this autumn will be 
laying siege to Great Britain; what with 
the Redgrave sisters, Twiggy. Donovan, 
d the myriad micro- and miniskirts. it 
other year when much of 


AMERICAN 


Anglophilia. 

London, of course, will rightly receive 
the British lion’s share of visitors’ aten- 
tion. Now competing with New York 
and Paris as the national capital most 
able to offer amusement at any time of 
day or night, the switched-on i 
mong the world’s most multi 
metropolises. ( tempting sampling 
of the city’s attractions, see last Decem 
bers Playboy on the Town in London.) 
As headquarters for your look at Lon- 
don, you might want 10 choose the 
town's newest luxury lodgings—atop the 
London Playboy Club, at 45 Park Lane. 
ve types of opulent accommodations 
are available—from spacious studios to a 
iwin-bedroom penthouse. A terrace, roof 
garden and swimming pool add to the 
ambiance. 

After several nonstop n 
consider day-wipping up the 
by chartered cruiser. For just over 
week, you can rent a 


river—from Teddington west to Lech- 
le. The luxury vesel, which sl 

four comfortably, comes equipped with 
modern galley; you're urged to order 
s (stocked aboard 
rive). Point of depar- 
ture and return is The Bells of Ouzely, 
Old. Windsor—20 miles west of London. 

Landlubbers hankering to hie them- 
selves out into the counnyside would be 
well advised to consider а weeklong au- 
tumnal auto tour of England’s historic 
pubs. Cost of motoring through either 
the west country or the heart of England 
is under 5120 а week. and the price 
cludes rental of а good-sized sedan, six 
nights’ lodging and full English brea 
fast and dinner each day. 

Should you decide to free-lance it on 
your own wheels, head for Cornwall, on 
the southwestern tip of Engl 
sceworthy tc 


ahead for food sup 


by the time you a 


of the n 
stop is the 
nt Ives, Bri 
мегра: (o Provincetown, 
achusetts. Saint Ives houses the 
^ largest art colony—upon 
which, each September, a comely contin- 
gent of British beauties descends en 
ase. Girls are always gathered at art 


famed 


lleries such as Penwith The Steps, 
which will make your browsing here 
doubly delightful. With a new-found 


companion in hand, adjourn for dinner 


to the Tregenna Castle Hotel, which 
serves up an amorous atmosphere 
appetizing as its gastronomical experti 

From Saint Ives, drive 20 miles east to 
Truro. near the British Ri The re- 
gion's great coastal moors are dotted 
with ancient inns, some of which have 
been operated for centuries by the squire- 
archy. Chief among these is the Pondo- 
just outside Truro on Restonguet 
Creck, which has been pleasing wa 
since 1260. If you'd like to sample the 
life of a gentleman farmer, put up 
Court Barton; guest quarters 
cently been completely moder 
though not опе of the [arm's build 
is less than 500 years old. 

Next, make it to Polperro, а fish 
village as Itilianesque in charm as it i 
in пате; even the food here, as dis- 
pensed at The Quay, is superior to most 
English countryside cuisine. 

At this point, motor across the island 
to England's northern seacoast for а 
stop-off at Clovelly. the swingingest spot 


" 


in Devon. In Clovelly Harbor. you may 
feel like an amateur Audubon whe 
you spy the flocks of bikinied British 


birds who migrate here from London. 
Devon was represented at this year’s In- 
Surfing Championships in 
i; you should be able to pick 
up a few s during your stay 
Best spot afternoon cocktails and 
conyers the New the 
center of town; while you're sipping lei- 
you'll dig the Tact that motor 
vehicles are not allowed 10 violate the 
cobblestoned quiet of Clovellys main 
thoroughfare, High Street, 

Returning to the southern coast, you'll 
find the arme harbor of "Torquay, over- 
looking Tor Bay, a restful and refreshing 
change of расе: ly every British 
travelog includes footage of this serenely 
scenic spot. Torquays beach front is 
lined with palm tees, attesting to the 
fact that it’s the warmest spot in Britain. 

Driving farther cast along the British. 
Riviera, you'll soon come upon the newly 
popular hamlet of Lyme Re ose 
pubs are packed with London's swinging 
secretarial set. When the girls are not 
the town cier as he per- 
they'll be found in the September 
along Lyme Regis well-sanded 
stretch of English Channel bead 

From here, motor 70 miles cast along 
the coast to Southampton, where vou 
can pick up a ship heading back to the 
States, You'll appreciate the luxurious 
leisure of a liner crossing after an action 
tour of Britain's southwestern seacoast. 

For furtherinformation write to Playboy 
Reader Service, Playboy Building, 919 
Michigan Ave., Chicago, Ill. 60611 


for 


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THE PLAYBOY FORUM 


an interchange of ideas between reader and editor 
on subjects raised by “the playboy philosophy" 


SCHOOL PRAYERS 

Apropos The Playboy Philosophy and 
your stand for freedom of and from yeli- 
gion, have you эссп the propaganda for 
Senator Dirksen's prayer amendma 
the booklet, a presumably perplexed 
nd prayerstarved juvenile is made to 
Mommy, why don’t they let us 


is devoid of devotional opportuni 
ties, Properly pious parents, it seems to 
me, can see to it tl or begins and 
ends his day with prayer, not to mention 
providing numerous other opportunities 
to supplicue the heavenly forces—such 
as home meals, Sunday school, Christian 
Endeavor, Youth for Christ and the 
Y. M. C. A. 

However, should the normal occasions 
for worship be from the 
standpoint of the Пу devout 
child, a ready remedy lies near at hand. 
Let Mommy turn oft the television for an 
hour every evening, thus giving the 
youngster an additional opportunity to 
get down on his knee: 

William Н. Fink 
Professor оГ Economics 
University of. Arizona 
Tucson, Arizona 


THE VOYEUR SYNDROME 

The March Playboy Forum cont 
the tormented confession of an 
mous Peeping Tom. As а profession 
psychologist, I would like to offer several 
con nts on this remarkable human 
document. 

Some readers, recognizing their affinity 
with the voyeur who wrote the letter, 
will wonder about their own normality. 
Such fears are groundless. There is a cer- 
n amount of voyeurism in all of us: 
What man will not stop and look, if he 
sees a woman undressing before a light- 
са window? But few of us would go up 
10 the window for a better look, risking 
arrest and disgrace. Only those, such as 
your lewer writer, whose voyeuristic 
tendencies are so strong as to overpower 
the natural fear of punishment can be 
called seriously disturbed. 

‘The irony is that a man who looks at a 
woman undressing is arrested as a Pecp- 
g Tom, but if a woman looks at a man 
undressing, he is likely to be arrested for 
exhibitionism 

1 suspect that the answer to yoycurism 
lies in parents’ allowing their children to 


of course, with no fuss about it. Obses 
sive curiosity would be unlikely to arise 
in such a matter-of-fact atmosphere. 
W. Edgar Gregory 
Professor of Psychology 
University of the Pacific 
Stockton, California 


DEATH FOR RAPE 

A "humanitarian and nonbeliever in 
capital punishment," Thomas Rogers 
wonders if the teenaged girl who re- 
quested the death penalty for her rapists 
will be able to sleep nights after they are 
executed (The Playboy Forum, April). If 
she isn’t, it won't be the result of re 
morse. It will be because of nightmares 
resulting from her experience. 

In our present society, with sex readily 


available to almost anyone who has the 
ability to seek it, there is no justification 
for таре and no possibility of sympathy 
for rapists, Rape may not be “the most 
serious crime there is," but neither should 
it be classified with robbing the penny 
gum machine at the local drugstore. 
William T. Gardner 
Cairo, Geor 


I agree with Thomas Rogers, who 
claims that death is a disproportionate 
punishment for rape. Apparently, so does 
Georgia Governor Lester Maddox. He 
has issued a stay of execution for a con- 
demned rapist iu his state and intends to 
ask for a referendum on capital punish- 
ment, According to newspaper reports, 
Maddox was influenced in his decision 
by two women, One was the mother of 
the rapist’s teenage victim, who asked 
for demency. The other was the gover- 
nors wife, who also thinks the death 
penalty is too severe a punishment for 
rape. 


Janet Mart 
Albany, New York 


Thomas Rogers objects to the death 
penalty on humanitarian grounds. I ob- 
ject to it on pragmatic grounds. I would 
like to live in а peaceful community, and 
no sociological study has ever produced 
a single shred of scientific evidence to 
show that the threat of capital punish- 
ment has a deterrent effect on criminals. 
W. Mattick has written: “The 
that maintains 
hment and believes in its 
a deterrent to homicide may 


Or community 


efficacy 


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PRODUCTS. $19 N. Michigan Ave., Chi- 
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may charge to 

their keys. 


43 


PLAYBOY 


44 


best be compared to a primirive and su- 
perstitious tribe of savages who credu- 
lously engage in a rain dance to produce 
the 
liefs are erroneous, their activity is irrele- 
vant and, when the rains come, they are 
results of entirely different causes than 
those the savages thought important. 

To have a sane society. a safe society, 
a society without continuous violence, 
we should give up this discredited super- 
stition of capital punishment and begin 
scientifically for methods that 
tually lower the crime rate. It is 


ain they need and desire. Their be- 


1 a sacrifices and Babylonian 
blood igs are going to solve our 
al problems. 


Samuel Schwartz 
Los Angcles, California 


Rape, by definition, is an act of force, 
and the only rational justification for the 
ise of force is in retaliation to force, to 
protect individual rights. Tell me, Mr 
Rogers, just what act of force did this 
young lady commit to justify the act of 
таре? None. Her reaction to the situa 
want them to dic"—i 
logical: force in retaliation 10 force. 

You asked about the “rights” of these 
three young men. What rights? These 
men surrendered amy claim to their 
rights by the 


act of rape. 
M. Cordell Furze 
Pierre, South Dakota 


The April Playboy Forum carried a 
letter from Thomas Rogers chastising a 
teenaged girl who reputedly requested 
the death penalty for her three rapists 


and "got her wish.” 
I would like to reply to Mr. Rogers’ 

letter by saying that this girl, my sister, 

did noi say, “They should be fully pu 


ished for what they did. 1 want them to 
die.” This was а journalistic fabrication; 
the remark was not made by her. I was 
n the courtroom when she was on the 
witness stand for three solid hours. Dur- 
ing crossexamination by the deta 
torney, she was harassed by his rep 
asking if it were not truc that she w 
to see the boys dic. Her reply was 
that they should h 
what they did. At one point, when the 
defense attorney again asked his repeti 
tious question, she replied, “I that is 
what the law is.” 

Neither myself nor my family nor even 
is in favor of capital punish- 
If Mx. Rogers is the humanitarian 
he claims to be, how can he i 

v. “I wonder if this 
to sleep nights after these boys are 
buried”? She cannot sleep nights and has 
not been able to since they raped her. I 
submit that she has been punished just 
as much as they have been or will be, and 
for what? For walking down a street? 


imply 
fully punished for 


Where is justice for her? Believe me, it 
does not lic in the burial of these three 
boys. 


Barbara B. Stanton 
North Miami Beach, Florida 


"There's a hard law," South African 
novelist Alan Paton has written, "tl 


when a deep injury is done to us, we 
Most 


never recover ший we forgive. 
people hear of this law only in a rel 
context, which makes it seem а “Sund 
truth” that no sine man would dr 

of applying to daily life: nevertheless, 
it is profoundly accurate, psychologically. 
Perhaps only the modern inyestigators of 
chemistry could explain it. When 
we harbor hatred and thoughts of re- 
venge, we unleash poison throughout 
our bodies and embitter all subsequent 
experiences, from the taste of our bread 
to the sight of the stars. I recall the f 
ther (told of in Phyllis and Eberhard 
Kronhausen's Pornography and the Law) 
who, after the rape and murder of his 
little girl, wrote a letter to the press ask- 
ing psychiatric treatment rather than 
punishment for the killer. Admitting that 
his first thought after learning of the 
murder of "the most precious thing" in 
desire for bloody revenge. 
lier went on to ask the community 
to rise above d 
risen above it: "Let no feelings of cave 
man vengeance influence us. Let us rath- 
a who did so human a th 
father rose above a terrible 
instead of being conquered by й. 
One requires no sainthood or super- 
tural vision to emulate him. One need 
only understand that hatred makes us 
sick and should be cast away, while mer 
cy heals us and should be held onto even 
when we suffer—or especially when we 
suffer. By contrast, the gi 
rape case is preventing he 
and perpetuating her wound by rubbi 
the abrasive of hatred. As a 
ian, I will pray for her; but I will 
also pray for the three boys who were 
made sexually sick by our society and 
who are now about to be killed for their 
sickness. 


ich a reaction as he h 


in the Florid; 


own h 


George 
New York, New York 


The reason the three Fort Lauderdale 
rapists are going to die, as people famil- 
jar with this case know, is that they are 
Negroes who raped a white woman, not 
the victim asked for the death 
penalty. 

The Florida Civil Liberties Union re- 
cently analyzed the cases of 132 white 
men convicted of rape and 152 Negroes 
convicted of the same crime. The FCLU 
found that, of the 132 convicted whites, 
only six were sentenced to death and 
only one was actually executed—a homo- 
sexual who had raped a child. But, of 


the 152 convicted Negroes, 45 were sen 

tenced to death and 29 were executed. 
Gerald Ross 
Miami, Florida 


HIGH COST OF LOVING 

I would like to comment on the letter 
from a New Orleans prostitute in the 
April Playboy Forum. First of all, it's 
gratilying to have confirmation from 
someone in “the life" that the picture of 
prostitution that I presented in The 
High Cost of Loving is an accurate one. 
Secondly, 1 would like to point out that 
one of the final lines of her letter sum 
marizes in a singular way what the book 
is all about. "Neither imprisonment. nor 
Government contro? she writes, "is 
to us as individual human 


But it’s precisely as individual human 
beings that prostitutes are not acceptable 
to the rest of society. To their 
tomers they are а faceless commodi 
the social engineer, а "problem"—some- 
thing that has to be removed from the 
suceis before daylight, like garbage or a 
heavy snowfall, Prostitutes are invariably 
thought of in the plural, They are never 
consulted on their fate. As а result, they 
have fallen prey through the centuries 
to sweeping, “grandstand” solutions tha 
raise a lot of dust but solve nothing. 
Prostitutes were the first victims of 
urban “removal,” society's favorite way 
of dealing with inconvenient minorit 
They were driven out of the temples 
(Babylon), the streets (am 
Greece), into the suburbs (Rome). into 
bathhouses (in the Middle Ages), into 
coffeehouses (during the Reformation), 
into special houses (in the 19th Century), 
back imo the streets (in the carly part of 
this century) and, finally, with the advent 
of the telephone, they have been tucked 
away into individual apartments. But 
none of this frenzied trafficking 
depleted their ranks even slightly. 
Why do we go on with the charade? 
Why don't we go instead to the 
tutes themselves, as we are now begi 
ning to go tw the poor, a 
individually, as fellow human 
“What do you think should be done? 
Lewis J. Baker, Ph. D. 
New York, New York 


into ient 


COEDS AND CALLGIRLS 

The recent Playboy Forum discussion 
of wives and whores is applicable t0 
married student. Our form of it could 
be called “coeds and callgirls.” On any 
large campus in the nation, the pay-fo 
play principle is adhered to continuou: 
ly. A fraternity man meets a coed whose 
looks he likes and he decides to get his 
hands on her. How does he do it? He 
buys her—with entertainment, meals 
and drinks, homework assists and other 
goods and services. Now, what i» the 
coed doing during all this? She is taking 
all she can get. 


Why did 34 million 


record collectors pay °5 
to join Record Glub 
of America... 


when any other record club 
would have accepted them free? 


COLUMB! 
Record Club 
(as advertised 
in TV GUIDE 

Feb. 25, 1967) 


CAPITOL 
Record Club 
(as advertised 
in TV GUIDE 

Feb. 11, 1967) 


ALL LABELS? 


"MUST YOU BLY A 
"MINIMUM" 
NUMBER, 

OP RECORDS? 
HOW МАНУ? 


Kasadvertised 


RCA VICTOR 
Record Club 
in PLAYBOY RECORD CLUB OF AMERICA 
Mar., 1967) 


Toe any UF on ory Tabet? 
Ke exceptions! Over 300 i 
feront manufacturers includ- 
ig CAPITOL, COLUMBIA, RCA 
VITOR, ANGEL LONDON: ee 

No obligatione! No yearly 

NONE! Pauci" fote as many a 


tew, or no records at all If 
you so decide 


HOW MUCH. 
MUST YOU SPEND 
TO FULFILL YOUR 
LEGAL OBLIGATION? 


CAN You BUY 
ANY RECORD 
YOU WANT AT 
ADISCOUNT? 


DO YOU EVER 
RECEIVE. 
UNORDERED 
RECORDS? 


ZERO T te 
DOLLARS 


31892 Т ыу even а single 
Your discount ир to 77% 
ALWAYS! 


record 
OFF GUARANTEED never 
less than а third! No ex- 
ceptions! 


There are no cards which 
you most return. Only the 
Fecords you want are sent 
Sand only when you ask 
us to send them. 


NEVER! 


HOW LONG MUST 
YOU WAIT FOR 
SELECTIONS 

TO ARRIVE? 


NO LONG. Yourcrderorocesses 
WAITS! “те o геме. 


AT LAST A RECORD CLUB WITH 
NO "OBLIGATIONS"—ONLY BENEFITS! 


This is the way YOU want Ita record club with 
по strings attached! Ordinary record clubs make 
you choose from just a few labels—usually their 
own labels! They make you buy up to 10 or more 
records a year—at full price—to fulfill your "ob- 
ligation." And if you forget to return their month- 
ly card—they send you a record you don't vant 
and а bill for $5.00 ог $6.00! In effect, you аге 
charges almost double for your records! 

But Record Club of America Ends All That! 
Now choose any LP... on any label. Everything. 
from Bernstein and Baez to Sinatia and the 
Monkees— including new releases. No exceptions! 
Take as many, Or as few, or no records at all if 
you so decide. Discounts are NEVER LESS THAN 
‘ONE THIRD, and GUARANTEED AS HIGH AS 77% 
OFF? You never pay full price. ап never pay $1 
extra for Stereo! You get best-sellers for as low 
25 94g, plus а small handling and mailing charge. 


How Can We Break АП The Record Club “Rules” 

We are the only major record club NOT OWNED 
==, NOT CONTROLLED . . . NOT "SUBSIDIZED" by 
any record manufacturer anywhere. (No other 
major club can make that claim!) Therefore we 
are never obliged by "company policy" to push 
any one label, or honor the list price of any man- 
ufacturers. Nor are we prevented by distribution 
commitments, as are other major record clubs, 
from offering the very newest records. SO we can 
—and do—otfer all records and cut prices to the 
bone! Only Record Club of America offers records 

as low as 94g! (You can't expect “conventional” 
clubs to be interested in keeping record prices 
down — when they are manipulated by the very 


manufacturers who want to keep record prices 


To join, mail coupon with check or money order 
for $5. This entitles you to LIFETIME MEMBER- 
SHIP—and you never pay another club fee! 


Look What You Get 
+ Lifetime Membership Card guarantees you brand 
гем LPs at dealer cost. Discounts up to 77%! 


= Free 300-Page Schwann Catalog lists all LPS 
available. 
+ Oisc5, the Club's FREE magazine, and special 
Club Sales Announcements which update 
“Schwann” and list extra discount specials. 
Guaranteed Same-Day Service 
The Club's own computer system, located on our 
premises, processes your огбег same day ге- 
ceived! Every record brand new, factory fresh 
(never "club pressings” or "seconds"! You 
must be completely satisfied or every record 
fully returnable! 
‘Money Back Guarentee 

If you aren't absolutely delighted with our dis- 
counts (up 10 77%), Or our Selection (largest in 
the world)—or even if you've simply changed 
your mind — return items within 10 days and 
membership fee will be refunded AT ONCE! 

Over 750,000 music lovers, schools, libraries, 
and other budget-wise institutions now get brand 
new LPS for as little zs S4¢—through the only 
major record club not dominated by the record 
manufacturers! Join now and save. Mail coupon 
to: Record Club of America, Club Headquarters, 
York, Pa. 17405, 


your membership entities you to buy or offer 
gift memberships to friends, relatives, neighbors 
for only $2.50 each with full privilege 
split the total between you: Your membership 
and опе gift membership divided equally brings 
созі down lo $3.75 each. The more gift members 
ou get—the more you save! See coupon for your 
ig savings. 


Discounts TO 7 7 70—PRicES As | 
Low As ДС per RECORD! 


TYPICAL ALL LABEL"EXTRA DISCOUNT’ SALE 


BUDGET SERIES AT 2 PRICE... .04. 


Ella Fitzgerald - Frank Sinatra - John Gary - Stan Getz 
Nat Cole - Jack Jones - Ferrante & Teicher 


and more... 
$1.89 


BEST SELLERS AT 12 PRICE... 
Roger Williams - Johnny Rivers - Bill Cosby 


Ray Charles - Eddy Arnold - The Monkees 
lawrence Welk and others . .. 


BEST SELLERS AT Ya PRICE...... $2.39 
Dr. Zhivago- Rubinstein - George Szell 
Jimmy Smith - Born Free - Ramsey Lewis 

Van Cliburn - Wes Montgomery and others . . . 
plus. . . from 50% to as high as 77% discount 


On famous labels: Roulette, Westminster, Vox, 
Decca, Atlantic. Monument, and others. 


ж No “hold-back" on ex- 
citing new records! 

* All orders processed 
same day received—no long 
waits! 

* Every record brand new, 
first quality, factory fresh 
— and guaranteed fully re- 
turnable! 


xk Choose any LP оп any 
label! Mono and Stereo! 
Nc exceptions! 


X No "quotas" to huy. 
Take 0 records—or 100! 


X SAVE! Discounts up to 
77%! Prices as low as 94e 
per LP! 


& 300-page Schwann Catalog to 
^8 FREE! pick your records. from when 
Sere в you join Record Club of America 
GIANT CATALOG lists all records of all manufac- 
turers. Over 300 labels. More than 25,000 al- 
bums, Classical — Popular — Jazz — folk — 
Broadway & Hollywood soundtracks — spoken 
Word — Rock-N-Roll — Comedy— Rhythm & Blues 
— Country & Western — Dancing — Listening — 
Mood! Prices 25 low as 94g. No exceptions! 


RECORD CLUB OF AMERICA %970D 
Club Headquarters * York, Pennsylvania 17405 


| ves — rush me LIFETIME MEMBERSHIP CARD, FREE 300-page 
Schwann Catalog, DISC, and Special Sales Announcements. 
| Enclosed is $5 membership fee (never another club fee for the 
test of my life) which entitles me to buy any LPS at discounts 
| up to 77%, plus a small handling and mailing charge. 1 am not 
ла ои records—no yearly "quota." If not com- 


pletely delighted 1 may return items above within 10 days for 
immediate refund of membership fee. 


| 

| 

1 

| 

O Also send Gift Memberships at $2.50 each to names | 
on attached sheet. Alone | pay $5: if 1 join with one friend and | 
l 

1 

| 

| 

| 


split the total, cost is only $3.75 each, with two friends, $3.33 
each; with three friends, $3.13 each; with four friends only 
$3 each. 

| ENCLOSE TOTAL OF $ covering one $5 
Lifetime Membership plus any Gift Memberships at $2.50 each. 


| Print Name. 


| roms - 


128 © 1967 Record Club of America 


Lov State. — e. -| 


45 


PLAYBOY 


46 


This model not for sale. 


How many men would repeatedly ask 
For demonstration purposes only. 


for dates if there were no hope of phy 
cal contact with the woman? How many 
women would repeatedly accept dates if 
no moncy were to be spent by the man? 
Is there any more difference between 
coeds and callgirls than there is between 
wives and whores? 


This model not available 
with mustache, 


Instant loading, 
drop-in Super 8 cartridge 


Vivitar Products are marketed 
Push button power zoom exclusively by Ponder & Best: 
—for smooth close-ups New York [ Chicago | Los Angeles 
or wide angle. 11201 West Pico Boulevard, 


C. Stanley Brown. 
Austin, Texas 


LOVE FROM A STRANGER 
Behind the tens In the April Playboy Forum, Jeorge 
CoS meter sets exposures Ultre bright Mejeas claims that all married men de- 
automatically. meena han) sire women other than their wives. Some 
rue aes women have an equally wandering cye 
and should be allowed io roam 
much. This was brought home to me by 
the experiences of my sister. For years, I 
had known that she was regularly un- 
faithful to her husband, but last year 1 


4 to 1 Vivitar 
F 1.8 zoom lens. 


UE discovered that this had been with her 
electronic circuitry — husband's consent. Any extramarital sex 
builds in success she has, though, is always with strangers. 


Every two or three months she gocs to a 


3 spe motel bar, picks up a man who attracts 
euis » Normal, fast, her and, after drinks and. conversation, 
AEE ЛДЫ! slow motion. ; ii other 
from $69.50. they end up in bed together. 


When she told me of this it seemed 
Waist level finder. Б utterly sickening, and I refused to ас 


ч company her the first time she invited 
Introducing the new me. She and my brother-in-law later per- 
Vivitar Do not push. 


CAUTION: suaded me to change my mind. I went 
Facloy— S 
Super 8 Movie Camera 


See your Vivitar dealer. 


along with her on two or thrce of her 
acheter Rings and, finally, with my husband's 
oniy. consent, also picked up a partner for the 
night. In the past year I have had, with 
my husband's consent, four attractive. 
strangers whom I will never see again. 
As a result, I feel more womanly. I have 
proved that I am still attractive to other 
men. I no longer feel tense and [rus 
trated from being cooped up. My sexual 
relations with my husband, which have 
always been good, have improved, and 
my love for him and for my children h 
increased. I appreciate family life more 
because of these breaks from An idea 
that was once vulgar and repulsive to me 
is now acceptable, and I am totally con- 
tent with my new freedom. 
(Name withheld by request) 
Allentown, Pennsylvania 
We don't think the solution to marital 
monotony described in this letter would 
work in а majority of cases, but the ex- 
perience of these couples is an excellent 
illustration of the fact that each. mar- 
riage ts a unique relationship between 
iwo unique individuals. 


“Sure I sweat, but nobody's 
got to know it. | use a 
deodorant under my arms, 
and Mennen Deodorant Bath Talc 
everywhere else?” 


CURING FRIGIDITY 
I sympathize with the writer of the 
“Frigidity and Adultery” letter in the 
February Playboy Forum, but also with 
his frigid wife. With pain during inter- 
course among her symptoms, I trust that 
she has had a complete medical and gyne- 
cological examination and that the couple 
has seen a marriage counsclor. We know 
(continued on page 133) 


Soothes, dries, protects the other 95% of you. 


PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: MICHAEL CAINE 


а candid conversation with the soft-sell sex star of “alfie,” “the iperess file" and “funeral in berlin” 


If any single symbol could be said to 
epitomize the breadth and bizzazz of 
Britain's renaissance in the lively arts— 
and the disintegration of its age-old class 
system—it would probably be the unlike- 
ly face and form of blond, bespectacled 
Michael Caine, a cocky Cockney whose 
forebears have toiled for more than two 
centuries in London's. Billingsgate fish 
market. In two short years, Caine's arro- 
ват. earthy portrayals of lowborn 
blighters, in such films as “Alfie,” “The 
Ipcress File" and “Funeral in Berlin,” 
have escalated him from obscure penury 
to world-wide fame and considerable 


fortune—and set him in the forefront 
of young British actors of working-class 
origin whose robust masculinity has shat- 
tered the screen stereotype of the Briton 
as a stif-upperlipped aristocrat. 
Inauspiciously bom Maurice. Mickle- 
white in London 35 years ago, Caine was 
expected to carry on the family tradition 
by working at the fish market. But the 
rebellious boy, smitten by the acting 
muse as a bit player in no-budgel stage 
shows at a neighborhood settlement 
house, dreamed of a legendary life just 
three miles, but many worlds, away 
beyond the footlights of the West End, 
London's glamorous theatrical capital; 
and at 16 he left school, beset with 


visions of instant stardom. Reality soon 
intervened, however, and young Mickle- 
white found himself detoured and dis- 
couraged by the noninterest of the theater 
world in his acting ambitions and the 


“I remember Frank Sinatra saying if he'd. 
had the affairs he'd been credited with, 
he'd be talking from the bottom of a jar 
in a laboratory. I don't say I'd be in a 
bottle yet, but Га be well on the way.” 


necessity of earning a meager living at 
an assortment of odd jobs: as a roust- 
about in a tea warehouse, as a pneumatic- 
drill operator on a construction gang, as 
a washer in a steam laundry. 

After a tour of duty as a private with 
the British army in West Germany and 
Korea, he got back on the track of his 
elusive muse by answering an ad in a 
theatrical paper and joining a small 
repertory company. Although he quickly 
proved his talent, his career became 
mired in walk-on stage roles and. one- 
line parts in eminently forgettable films. 
And it almost sank out of sight when 
he was suspended from films for nine 
months for slugging an associate pro- 
ducer who stared “pawing” him in a 
fit of temper. “I won't let anyone swear 
at me or put a finger on me," he 
explained succinctly. 

Caine's morale hit bottom when, in 
1959, his three to actress 
Patricia Haines broke up; and his father 
died soon after. Following a lonely period 
of stocktaking and self-exile im Paris 
—during which he bummed meals, slept 


on benches and finally found his bear- 
ings again—he returned to England, and 
in fi 
in three dozen films and 125 television 
plays, Eventually, he filled in as Peter 
O'Toole’s understudy in a Royal Court. 


2 уса 


chalked up minor roles 


Theatre production, then won his big- 
break role as a foppish British army 
officer in “Zulu.” Among those impressed 
by his performance was Harry Saltzman, 
coproducer of the James Bond films, who 


“Anyone who says money can't buy hap- 
piness is putting ош propaganda for the 
rich. I've had 35 years of not having any 
money, and I would now like, in all fair- 
ness, to have 35 years of absolute luxury.” 


had just purchased the screen rights to 
Len Deighton’s best-selling spy story 
“The Ipcress File” When Saltzman 
offered him the part of Harry Palmer, 
the book's amiably insolent antihero, 
Caine accepted both the offer and Saltz- 
man’s invitation to join him for lunch at 
the exclusive Les Ambassadeurs off Park 
Lane. “It was the first time РА been in a 
place as posh as that,” Caine confessed 
later. 

When “Iperess’—and its laconic star 
—unexpectedly became a major box- 
office attraction, Saltzman tore up Сапе? 
contract and told him to write his own. 
He dida whopper. As the canny 
Cockney puls it, “In a capitalistic society, 
money means freedom.” In the two years 
since then, Caine's memorable perform- 
ances (as Palmer again in “Funeral in 
Berlin,” as a coldblooded Romeo in 
“Alfie,” as а romantic rogue in 
bit” as a shy, clumsy suitor in 
Wrong Box” and as a drawling Georgia 
bigot in Otto. Preminger's “Hurry Sun- 
down") have established him as a major 
international sex star—a status he ac 
cepis with diffident ambivalence. His 
earnings, meanwhile, invested in blue- 
chip stocks, have brought him within 
arm's reach of the freedom—and the 
millionaire status—he covets with such 
single-minded concentration. 

Though at the zenith of his popularity 
—and of a nonstop shooting schedule— 
Caine readily consented when PLAYBOY 
requested an exclusive interview, In sev- 
eral evenings of conversation with inter- 
David Lewin—at Саїпє'з hotel 


viewer 


“1 am lean—skinny, in fact—and I wear 
glasses: my appeal, if I have any, is pre 


cisely because 1 am a reflection of ordi- 
nary people. Im sort of a boy next door 
—if that boy has a good scriptwriter.” 


47 


PLAYBOY 


48 


room in Helsinki (where he was filming 
a new Deighton thriller, “The Billion 
Dollar Brain”) and at his luxurious new 
apartment near Mayfair's fashionable 
Marble Arch, where he collects record- 
ings, modern paintings and, according 
to rumor, a veritable aviary of exotic 
“birds,” indigenous and otherwise—he 
made good on his promise to talk about 
himself “more fully and honestly than 
ever before. 


PLAYBOY. Your father was a fish porte: 
and your mother a charwoman. Yet 
a traditionally clas«consci 


па г. How do you account for it? 


105 just because my background 


Гт an ordinary m; 
that people recognize 
things they expect to find in a movie 
star; movie stars are usually exfraordi- 
nary people—the women with bigger 
busts, the men more handsome. I 
Jean—skinny, in fact—and I w 
appeal, if I have any, is precisely 
because I am a reflection of ordinary 
people. You might say I'm sort of a boy 
next door—if he had a good scriptwriter. 
But I'm a product of my working-class 
background—not that we were ever poor 
in the sense of not having a roof over 
our heads or things to wear and to eat. 
But there was only one outside lavatory 
for everyone living in our block, and 
that isn’t the best way for people to 
grow up. We were poor in the sense of 
not having any security. Every penny my 
father earned was spent, and there was 
never anything left over. 
PLAYBOY: What was your home 
CAINE: I had а happy, very strong 
life; and although I am a divorced ma 
1 still have a strong sense of love for 
family. PI have my own family and chil- 
dren and a wife again someday. Any- 
ay, going into show business—which 
сап be neurotic—didn't bother me, be 
cause I grew up without any han 
neuroses. I'm normal to the point of 
boredom. I have weaknesses, like a lot of 
men, but no neurotic weaknesses. I don't 
even act out of conceit, but as a form of 
mirror; I try to do things that 1 haven't 
seen anyone ele uy to do on screen— 
the little things that people do in real life 
hout realizi , that are sometimes 
silly or funny, though they may be 
nt quite seriously. I set out to be- 
come not a movie star but а professional 
actor; and, as time went on, a good 
professional actor. 

PLAYBOY: Do you think you've succeeded? 
CAINE: Yes, and that’s not conceit. T 
have been judged a professional by 
professionals who can act. І may do 
something wrong, but that's not because 
І don't know what I'm doin; 
PLAYBOY: Do you consider yourself a star 
as well as an actor? 


CAINE: At the moment, no. But I'm a 
hell of a high rocket. 

PLAYBOY: Unlike Scofield, Olivier, Guin- 
nes, Redgrave, Gielgud and the rest 
of England's aristoaatic "old guard, 
Britain's male stars of the Sixties—Bur- 
ton, O'Toole, Connery, Terence Stamp, 
Albert Finney, David Hemmings and 
yourself—all share a working-class bac 
ground, Do you see your success as part 
of the breakdown of the class system? 
CAINE: Well, I'm certainly one of the 
lucky beneficiaries of that breakdown. 
I'm not only working-class; I'm ordinary 
looking, I have a Cockney accent and I 
don't even have a voice like an actor's. I 
have a voice like people. When ordinary 
British. people talk, their voices don't go 
up and down with lovely inflections. 
They talk flat, like me. The cinema 
today has become a medium of realism, 
and I talk the way real people do. And, 
like real people, I don’t pull faces on the 
screen. A director will say to me, “When 
you sce the girl, really raise your eye- 
brows. She's so beautiful.” I say, "Why 
not cut to the girl, and if she's beautiful, 
then the audience will raise its eyebrows. 
Then cut to me and I'll do nothing, but 
it will look like Fm raising my eye- 
brows.” The other day 1 was told that a 
director on а film set said to an actor 
who was making faces all over the place: 
"Why can't you do nothing, the way 
Michael Caine does nothing?" I don't 
know how he meant it, but I took it as 
а compliment. Yet I couldn't even have 
earned а living in the British theater of 
the Twenties or even later—except as a 
corny Cockney gangster or a dustman, 
like in Pygmalion. The young working. 
class actors of those days were forced to be 
aturists of their own class. On 
those few occasions when we saw Eng- 
lishmen like ourselves on the screen, it 
sccmed artificial, because it was a reflec- 
tion of the theater of French windows, 
which had mo room for young men— 
not just from our class but with our point 
of view, which of necessity was a reali 
tic and practical one. The whole country. 
presented on screen or on 
stage or in literature. I'm not saying the 
other ought to go—I love Noel Coward's 
ys—but I say there should be some 
representation. of the other life, which, 
after all, is in the majority. My kind of 
Englishman has been around for 2000 
cept we never had the money 
vel—so people abroad never knew 
bout us. The Englishman the foreigner 
knows is based on a quarter of a million 
I'd like to point out that there are 
24,000,000 others of us just waiting 
bout for enough money to go over to 
rica and show you just what the 
Englishman is really about. 

PLAYBOY: Do you think there is any cor- 
ation between the tenacity of actors 
and deprivation of background? 

CAINE; For me there is. It’s like boxers. 
There has never been a heavyweight 


champion of the world who was an 
aristocrat, because an aristocrat doesn't 
€ to go and get his nose smashed in 
in order to make any money. In Ameri 
actors have almost always come from d. 
prived backgrounds, and now it's beg 
ning to happen here in Britain, too— 
the O^Tooles and the Finneys and, to a 
lesser extent, myself. I've always burned 
my bridges to make sure I couldn't go 
ack. And since in life you cannot stand 
still, I have had to go forward. To me 
this isn't tenacity or courage but an aid 
to a lazy coward, I never underestimate 
the bad things in myself. I can be lazy 
quite casily, and my cowardice is in not 
wanting to go back lo what 1 was before. 
I put a мор to them early by working 
continuously and making it impossible to 
go back—because 1 had nothing to go 
back to. 
PLAYBOY: Part of the life you left behind 
were the grim years you spent in school 
Is this a period you'd prefer to forget 
CAINE: 1 might prefer co, but it's difficult 
fo forget being beaten regularly, like a 
gong, for four bloody ye 
PLAYBOY: Why were you beater 
CAINE: І was considered incorrigible. I 
remember one report from my house- 
master that stands out vividly. He 
wrote: “This is the most lazy, conceited 
object it has ever been my misfortune 10 
have to teach, but I am sure wc will 
make а laborer of him." And the head- 
master agreed. 
PLAYBOY: Were vou conceited? 
CAINE: І don't think I've ever been con- 
ceited—although that is a conceited 
remark, 
PLAYBOY: Did 
were beaten? 
CAINE: Oh, yes. And I continue to reali 
ate, even to this day. I covet nothing and 
I wish nobody any harm; and if people 
leave me alone, I'm fine. But if anybody 
docs anything to me, my retaliation is 
swift: and if it can't be swift, its inexor- 
able, because, if necessary, I'm prepared 
to wait for many years to win. 
PLAYBOY: You mean to pay someone back 
for a beating? 
CAINE: I don’t necessarily mean anything 
physical; it could be a slight to my digni- 
ty. Из a Cockney thing, that; we don't 
mind what you do, as long as you don't 
take our dignity away. If you do, we'll 
ack at you with something worse 


you retaliate when jou 


nyone at any time. When I was 
school, they used to let the student pre 
fects whack you, and 1 wouldn't stand 
for this. If I was to be hit, it had to be 
by an adult. The headmaster was sup- 
posed to be more intelligent and better 
educated than I, but the fact that he had 
to resort to physical punishment lost him 
to me forever. That’s something I rather 
like about Harry Palmer in these spy 
films—this complete disregard for au- 
thority. This is something I share with 


him. I will not take notice of people in 
authority, ever. 
PLAYBOY: Was this true during your 
service in the army? 
CAINE: With a vengeance. І found out 
why war is hell: Army authority is abso- 
lute. But it was ап cducational experi- 
ence; it taught me what a fascist state is 
really like. There is no recourse to justice 
in the army, because if something gocs 
wrong, you are defended and judged by 
the same kind of people who accuse and 
prosecute you. 
PLAYBOY; You're reported to have said 
that if you were drafted again, you 
wouldn't serve. Is that true? 
d to go to prison rather 
again—except in опе case: 
If somebody sets foot in England, then 
T'I be the first up. But I'm not prepared 
10 fight wars in foreign lands anymore. | 
couldn't muster up much patriotism over 
Korea, which is where I served. 
PLAYBOY: Were you a poor soldier? 
CAINE: I was an awful soldier. One of 
the most terrible things I could think of 
was to have my legs shot off, and I 
t anxious for that to happen—even 
for king and country and crap like that 
10,000 miles away from London. So 1 
fooled them. I did absolutely nothi 
they never even. knew I was there. I re 
member being in a platoon and the ser- 
scant saying to me, "Whats your 
ne?” And I said, “Micklewhite,” which 
my real name. And he said, "How long 
ave you been here? id, “Three 
months." And he said, 
on parade every day 
sir.” And he said, 
What аге you up to?" “Nothing, sir," I 
said. But I was up to something. І was 
trying to disappear. My boots and my 
buttons were shined to the minimum de- 
gree—jus enough not to get nicked. 
And I did just enough 
guardhouse. I'm six feet two, with fair 
т. and he hadn't noticed me after 
three months his _platoon—which 
makes me th 1 would have been a 
good spy. 
PLAYBOY: You were mustered out and 
returned home in 1953. Was there any 
opposition from your family when you 
decided to become an actor? 
CAINE: My mother's attitude was, "Well, 
if this is what you want to do, then 
you'd better go and do it. Then, when 
you're а failure, come back and do what 
all the other boys do around here" 
h was to peddle fish in the marke 
My family had been fish porters for a 
couple of hundred years, since the mar- 
ket began. But I didn't y of that. 
1 wanted to do something g 
Later, when I was an actor and waiting 
for a particular part to come up and I 
had no money to live on and there w 
» any doing sometl 
else, my mother lent me some money. 
PLAYBOY: How much 
CAINE: Her life savings—around £200 


nd I 
‘Have you been 
And I said, “Yes, 
ve never noticed you. 


time for me to 


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49 


PLAYBOY 


50 


or £300. Her attitude was that if a son 
wants to do something, then you help 
him up to the hilt; and if it fails, then 
you all start again from nothing— 
together. 

PLAYBOY: What was your father's attitude? 
CAINE: He didn't like the idea, because 
he said the theater was a bunch of 
“queenies,” which is a Cockney euphe- 
mism for homose: s. The actors talked 
posh and they wore makeup, and that 
was enough for him. But he wasn't too 
worried about the fact that they were 
queenies—only by the fact that I wanted 
to join them. 

PLAYBOY: What did your 
of your acting ambitions? 
CAINE: There were two or three kinds of 
reactions. At first, everybody tried to put 
me on—or, as we say in England, "take 
the mickey.” And they all started talking 
like girls or tripping around like ballet 
dancers, if I mentioned it in front of a 
group of fellows. That was in the wishful- 
thinking stage. Then, when I actually 
did it, their attitude was, "Well, who 
does he think he is? How dare he bc so 
conceited?” And they all went out of 
their way to ignore me. Some working. 
class people are the biggest reactionaries 
in the world, you know. Whatever I did, 
І couldn't win. The only one who ever 
encouraged me was Mr. Watson, my 
English master at school. He was a mar- 
velous man who took me through all the 
Shakespeare plays. I was good at English 
literature and grammar, because I had an 
terest in it, but lazy at the rest. Mr. 
Watson encouraged me to be an amateur 
tor—at night—and get a good job dur- 
ing the day. Instcad, I became an actor 
in the daytime and found other things 
t0 do at night, which didn't need an 
audience. 

PLAYBOY: Do you keep in touch with Mr. 
Watson or any of your old friends? 
CAINE: I don't keep in touch with any. 
body—not with anybody. This comes 
from my bitterness about the fact that 
when 1 was an unknown, broke actor for 
ten years, I spent those ten years on my 
own, and the only friends I had were 
not from where I lived, but other actors. 
From everyone else I got cither the ill- 
concealed attitude that І was а Cockn 
upstart bum or a kind of reverse snob- 
bery, like the unctuous friendliness of 
those who are overnice to Negroes, nicer 
even than to their own mothers. It was 
onc or the other, from both working-class 
people and the so-called upper classes. 
So you can understand why I have а tre- 
mendous affection for other people in 
the business, because they were the only 
ones to treat me like а human being, to 
give me money for a drink or to buy 
me a meal. I used to live in those days 
on two pounds, ten shillings a week, out 
of which the government used to take 
income tax. Tax levies for everyone 
started much lower then. They tool 


riends think 


two. 


shillings a week out of two pounds, ten 
shillings. I have never forgiven them for 
that. I hate them more for that than 
for the tax they take from me now. 
PLAYBOY: How much is that? 
CAINE: I make around £5300 [about 
$15,000] a week, of which the govern- 
ment takes about 95 percent; but even 
that still leaves me better off than when 
they took two shillings out of two pounds, 
ten shillings. 
PLAYBOY: Now that you're fairly well off, 
are you a saver or а spender? 
CAINE: I'm not a spendthrift, but I'm not 
mean man, either. I live in а good style, 
but I have various commitments to my 
‘amily. While I know you can't take it 
with you, 1 don't want the money to go 
before I've had a chance to enjoy it. 
PLAYBOY: Are you a materialist? 
CAINE: Very definitely. I know what the 
world is all about and I've had both 
sides of it—and it's better to have money 
than not to have it. Anyone who says 
that money can't buy happiness is putting 
out propaganda for the rich; it's utter 
nonsense. I've had 35 years of not h 
ig any money and I would now like, in 
all justice, fairness and decency, to have 
35 years of absolute luxury—and if 1 can 
possibly get it, 1 will. But if I can't, I 
won't shoot myself. I'll shoot somebody 
else. 
PLAYBOY: Do you have a compulsion to 
get rich? 
CAINE: It's not а compulsion to get rich, 
but a compulsion never to be poor again. 
Iw n a million dollars in the 
next five years, so that my average carn- 
ings would work out to about £25 a 
week for the whole of my life. I don't 
think that’s being extravagant 
PLAYBOY: At the premiere of Zulu, in 
which you had your first big film role, your 
mother refused a seat in the theater and 
stood outside to watch the celebrities. Why? 
CAINE: I fail to understand it completely, 
and she won't open up on the subject. 
When I talk about it, she says, “Have an- 
other cup of tea." I had the car and 
everything and invited her to come, and 
she wouldn't. I went, but what I didn't 
know was that she had come up by bus 
and watched me go in, from the рам 
ment outside the cinema. And it was a 
cold night in January. 1 сап understand 
why she came up by bus but not why 
she said no in the first place. And she 
hasn't changed since then. After І be- 
ame а movie actor and started making 
really big money. 1 offered her a new 
home, but she kept relus 
because she thought I could 
I've gone on so much about it, though, 
that she thinks I must be able to now. 
But she still won't move from the place 
she's always lived—in Brixton, a poor 
area of London. Moving my mother 
would be like moving an old lady from 
the Bronx to the best part of Boston. 
PLAYBOY: Your father died before your 
screen success, didn't he? 


CAINE: It’s a great personal tragedy for 
me that he died when I was unem- 
ployed, had no money and my marriage 
had just broken up. He died when I was 
a failure in work and marriage. 
PLAYBOY: Your former wife has described 
your marriage as “three years with no 
fun." Fair or unfair? 

CAINE: Fair if she thought it. J had some 
fun. 

PLAYBOY: Did she approve of your ambi- 
tion to act? 

CAINE: Only if I going to be an ob- 
vious success, which, of course, at the 
time, 1 wasn't. 
PLAYBOY: Did marria; 
your work? 

ГІ say it did. Its corny to say an 
be free; I'd qualify that and 
say a young artist must be free. Well, at 
that time, marriage stifled me. 1 suffered 
from psychological claustrophobia. The 
worst performances I gave in the theater 
were when I was married—because you 
need to be terribly free emotionally to be 
n actor, and I didn't feel free. You need 
time to come to terms with yourself and 
know what you are about 

PLAYBOY: Is that what went wrong with 
your marriage? 

CAINE: My wife wanted security. What 
she didn't know was—so did I. But if I'd 
taken a job I hated just to live with her 
in security, what kind of security would 
that have been? I might as well be a 
bum on my own. 

PLAYBOY: Wouldn't that concern put you 
off marriage now? 

CAINE: Oh, no. But any way you men- 
tion it I failed the first time—as a 
as a husband and cmo- 


с have an effect on 


cept as "s not to say I 
wouldn't try it again. That would be like 
an actor refusing to work with a director 
who has made a flop picture. 

PLAYBOY: It's said that you had a nervous 
breakdown at the time your marriage 
broke up. Is this true? 

CAINE: It was a withdrawal from other 
people. Nervous breakdown is too serious 
term. I didn't want people to witness 
my failure. was another example 
of my cowardice. I just wanted to get 
away. I went to Paris, where no one 
would know me. I had about £25 and 
I lived the air terminal, because no 
one notices you there. An American stu- 
dent who ran a sandwich bar used to 
give me some food to start the day off. 
You can survive on very little food. It's 
good for you—hclps you keep slim. 


4 


PLAYBOY: Was it hard to find work when 


you came back from Pari 
CAINE: І got four jobs, one after another. 
‘That's the thing with this business. Just 
when you think it's marvelous, it kicks 
you in the teeth. And when you th 
a swine, it gives you a hand up. 
PLAYBOY: Did you find it difficult to 
begin acting again? 

CAINE: Not only was it not difficult; my 


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PLAYBOY 


52 


acting had improved beyond all thought. 
It improved because I found things out 
about myselí—a sort of strength that 
can't be busted, and that’s a handy thing 
to have along on any trip. 

PLAYBOY: It was a long one; but alter 
five years and several hundred minor 
roles in films, plays and TV dramas, you 
finally won the part of the foppish army 
ofer in Zulu. What kind of critical 
reaction did you get? 
CAINE: My favorite wa 
London by 


a memo sent to 
» American film company 


Tt read: “Who was the limey fag in 
Zulu? 

PLAYBOY: Fortunately, there were more 
favorable rcactions—most notably from 
Harry Salm: coproducer of the 


James Bond films, who offered you the 
role of Harry Palmer in The Iperess File 
on the strength of your performance in 
Zulu. Did you expect the Palmer film to 
take off as successfully as it did? 

CAINE: No, ] suppose ] underestimated 
the intelligence of audiences, which 
people in show business do all the time. 
We made The Ipcres File very cheaply. 
expecting, if we were lucky. to break 
even or make a little profit. I thought it 
would be a rather specialized movie. In 
the United States, it was the students and 
the intellectuals who started the whole 
picture off. 


PLAYBOY: Why? Did they identify with 
Palmers insolence, his contempt for 
thorir 


CAINE: I think so. Like a lot of young 


people today, Palmer is a kind of lonely 
anarchist—very lonely and very anarchic. 
So am J—though I haven't been too 
lonely lately. But I'm still anarchic. 
PLAYBOY: 15 P: like James Bond in 
that sense? 

CAINE: Yes. In addition to being lonely 
anarchists, Bond and Palmer are agains 
government by big business. They believe 
government by small business, and 
the small business is them, They are 
the judge, jury and executioner, should 
you come up to be tried before them. 
And they'll shoot you, based on their own 
judgment, without reference to anyone 
else. 

PLAYBOY: Do you sharc this ude? 
CAINE: Not literally: but I am insubordi- 
nate like they are. And I share Palmer's 
style of попіс non sequitur humor—or 


rather, Palmer shares mine, since I added 
this clement to the role myself, But 
wt really me. And neither is 


PLAYBOY: Are you like Alfie in your taste 
for women? 

CAINE: Of all the people I know, I am 
furthest away from him in character— 
despite the publicity I get always п 
ning around with girls all over the place. 
But Alfie didn't run around with girls; he 
around with himself, reflected in 
girls My own thing with women is that 
I'm completely interested in them. Alfie 
like a lot of young men today—or any 


ran 


he's interested in how interested the 
woman is in him. Alfie is also very nar- 
cissistic. He was always combing his ha 
and he didn't like powder on his suit 
so he had a handkerchief if the girl had 
t0 put her head on his shoulder. And 
I could never make love to a girl in a car, 
the way he did all the time: My legs are 
too long. In addition to being totally 
Mike me—legwise and otherwise—Alhie 
was а difficult role to play because he 
ran through all the emotions, from A to 
Z, with the added distraction of talking 
to the camera, which is extraor 
awkward, because your whole tra 
to ignore it. 

PLAYBOY: Were you the first to be offered 
the part? 

CAINE: All the scripts that came to me in 
those days had someone clse's finger- 
prints on them. Alfie was offered to four 
or five other actors first: Terence Stamp, 
Laurence Harvey, Anthony Newley and 
James Booth. I got it only when they 
didn't want it. And Christopher Plummer 
had a crack at Palmer before I did, but 
he wrned it down for The Sound of 
Music. 

PLAYBOY: How many more films in the 
mer series will you make? 

CAINE: I should think one more—Horse 
Under Water—alter the one Vm making 
now. Theres another Deighton’? 
book—dn Expensive Place to Die. lt 
was serialized in pravnoy, as a matter of 
but Harry Saltzman doesn’t own it. 
PLAYBOY: Would you refuse to do any 
more alter Horse Under Waler? 
CAINE: If Harry buys them, DJ] make 
them. 1 enjoy them, and I get plenty of 
opportunity to play other parts—tons of 
them. This film I'm making now—The 
Billion Dollar Brain—is my ninth movie, 
but only my third Palmer. It doesn't 
worry me. You see, Palmer wears gl 
nd the other characters I play never 


n Connery has played a 
number of non Bond roles; yet he seems 
to feel he's typecast as 007. 
CAINE: 115 a different case for Sean, Even 
before he made the first film, about 
5.000.000 copies of the books had been 
sold, and now it’s about 40,000,000. So 
007 was pretty well known: and for Sean, 
that’s been a double-edged sword. The 
Bond films have made him а very rich, 
very successful man, but they have also 
typed him—and that’s murder for 
actor. Now Sean puts on mustaches and 
things when he plays other parts. Any- 
when I came along, 1 Sean аз 
ample: and I was fortunate in that 
Pahner wasn't as well known as 


Harry 
Bond: he didn’t even have a name in The 


Ipcress File book. Deighton didn't call 
him anything. We had to give him a 
name for the film, There was no mystiqu 
connected with H Palmer, 
teria. That came afterward 
PLAYBOY: Do you get a good deal of fin 
mail now? 


io hys- 


arry 


CAINE: Bales of it, mostly for Palme 
although far more people saw Alfie. 
suppose they thought Alfie couldn't read. 
I've gotten some crazy letters from girls 
in America. One said: “You are the 
greatest actor in the world, because your 
nose is like Paul McCartney's.” 
PLAYBOY: How do you fccl about. the sex- 
symbol image you've acquired? 

CAINE: Ambivalent. It gets me into a lot 
of trouble, bur I enjoy it because ivs 
helping to construct a new image of the 
. In America, the Englishman 
has long been either a bowler-hatted 
nincompoop or a guy too asexual even to 
be a fag. It wasn't by intention, but I 
have altered that image slightly with the 
parts I've played 

PLAYBOY: What do you think is the rca- 
son for your attractiveness to women, on 
scree! id. ol 
CAINE: I've never really felt I was all 
that attractive, and you've asked me the 
question as though it were a statement 
As а matter of fact, I grew up a very 
long. skinny, unattractive boy—a sort of 
long milk bottle—and it was a great 
handicap when it came to tryin 
the girls. 1 was like the puny weak 
the Charles Atlas adverti: 
suppose 1 still am, mentally. now, 
only slightly filled out, that same figure 
is supposed {obe attractive to women, So 
what's the point of doing weight lifting? 
Гуе seen t00 many men die from 
excess of good health. И I am successful 
with women, I suppose it must have 
something to do with my attitude toward 
them. The world seems to be full of men 
looking for a girl’s shoulder to cry on, In 
nd J think I must give this 
mpresion on sercen—I offer a shoulder 
for women to ay оп. In a way, I have а 
ude toward women—but 
у. Those Victorians were 
pretty mixed up. you know; anyone who 
could faint over the glimpse of an a nikle 
had to be mixed up. But I'm Victorian 
in the sense that I am always well- 
mannered toward wome: 
as weaker creatures th: 
be looked after. Whe 
man and very, very broke, 1 never ever 
took a girl out until 1 could pay the 
whole bill. None of this sharing for me: 
Га rather stay at home alone, Sharing 
negates what 1 am as a man: a provider, 
Any woman who is with me gets looked 
alter ide; everything 
is taken. cure of—but not dictator 
if she wai different movi 
see both. 
PLAYBOY: What 
woman? 

CAINE: Her eyes. Who said the eyes are 
the mirror of the soul? I wish it had been 
me. But 1 love the whole idea of women. 


But 


n I, who have to 
I was 3 


the decisions arc ma 


ts 10 set a 


we 


first att 


cis you to à 


They are everything I аш not. They are 
soft. Yes—soft. 

PLAYBOY: And you're hard? 

CAINE: Yes, very, although I'm a bit soft 


the cemer. But I never ask for mercy 


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PLAYBOY 


nor give mercy to a woman in love. 
PLAYBOY: What do you find most un- 
attractive in women? 

CAINE: Conceit, and using their sex for 
money. I don't believe in the myth of the 
golden-hearted prostitute. If a whore had 
a heart of gold, she would have sold it. 
PLAYBOY: Apart from softness, what arc 
the qualities you look for in a woman? 
rCatest quality a woman 
1 have is respect for herself, especially 
ly. That may sound funny coming 
from me, but it’s so. I think a woman 
gets exactly the amount of respect from 
men that she has for herself. For that 
reason, I never go out with scrubbers. 
Scrubbers are dirty in body and mind 
and they have no self-respect. My woman, 
of necessity, has to be extremely beau- 
üful, awa of herself without being 
conceited, intelligent and, above all— 
something I prize in women yet few have 
—she must have a sense of humor. Not 
10 make me laugh, but to laugh at her- 
self, It would be a marvelous thing to 
meet a fabulously beautiful woman who 
is intelligent and who can take herself 
unseriously. And I have met опе, 
PLAYBOY: Who? 

CAINE: Camilla Sparv. 

PLAYBOY: ‘The actress? Tell us about her. 
CAINE: Not any more than that. I'm like 
the Arabs, who won't have their photo 
graphs taken, because they feel they'll 


lose something; if I talk about her, I lose 
some of my privacy. 

PLAYBOY: Do you resent the way your 
personal life has been sensationalized in 


the scandal sheets 
caine: Only on the basis that it's usually 
reported inaccurately or upon non- 
existent affairs. They don't hesitate to 
link me sexually with all the women I 
go out with—and with a few I've never 
mei—but they never say why I'm out 
with someone. I may be trying to start a 
romance, but it's equally possible that it's 
because her husband is my best friend 
nd he’s sick and wants me to take her to 
premiere, Or perhaps she's а platonic 
friend. I remember Frank Sinatra saying 
that if he'd had the affairs he'd been 
credited with, he'd be talking from the 
bottom of a jar in a laboratory. 1 don't 
say I'd be in a bottle yet, but I'd be well 
on the way. 

PLAYBOY: Is your sex life that busy? 
CAINE: It used to be. But not lately. I'm 
just with Camilla, and that's it. 
PLAYBOY: Before did you keep a 
lot of girls in. your black book? 

CAINE: Oh, yes. When I was 20, I wanted 
more girls than the next man. I had 
just come out of the army, where it is 
very difficult to take any girl out on a 
private's pay, and I wanted to make up 
for lost time. But not anymor 
that's childish, and I'm no long 
PLAYBOY: What made you change? 
CAINE: Camilla. 

PLAYBOY: Do you think the relationship 
last? 


CAINE: At the moment, I'm with this one 
girl. We shall sce how we get on, and 


either we shall get married or we shall 
part. That's all. It's a very plain and 
simple thing. 

PLAYBOY: If you do get married, will it be 
an equal partnership? 

CAINE: Not completely. 1 think I should 
be more equal than she is. 
PLAYBOY: 15 that fair? 
CAINE: I'm not interested in being fai 
Men give up liberty on getting married 
and women find security, so she has to 
give up something herself. 

PLAYBOY: How about her liberty? 

CAINE: Well, she has given up one thing 
for another. Love is the great ince 
пог just sex. 
PLAYBOY: If you decide to remarry, will 
you be faithful? You once said that the 
church's morality of one man, one woman 
in marriage through life was "a pretty 
losing game" to preach today. 

CAINE: Wouldn't it be marvelous if you 
could find somebody to love and to want 
until death do you part? Bur life being 
what it is, what can you do? Sex is free 
for all, and the marriage ceremony 
was written when the life expectancy 
was 37 years. So getting married at 21 
and staying married until you were 37 
and died wasn't too bad. But take a kid 
today getting married at 21 to a girl 
he met six weeks before. Can they hold 
out until they are 97? It's not possible, 
this one-man, one-woman ideal, although 
I believe it’s more possible for women 
than for men. I know I'm hypocritical 
about this and have a double standard. 
But I don’t believe a woman can have 
sexual relations outside marriage without 
falling in love for as long as it lasts. And. 
there's the infidelity. But a man can. A 
man is more animal and he can have a 
sexual affair outside marriage without 
falling in love. Otherwise, how come 
there arc so many female. prostitutes in 
the world and so few male ones? 


PLAYBOY: If you get married again, do 
you intend to practice this double 
standard? 


CAINE: No. It doesn’t apply for me when 
Im married: because however coi i 
may sound, wh 


Irs all very well for people to say it 
doesn't matter, because the wife doesn’t 
know or the husband doesn't know. But 
the person who's doing it knows, and 
that’s enough. And whenever you're seen 
h someone else, that makes the wife 
or husband cheap. If you need someone 
cle—a new partner—then go and tell 
her it’s all over and you want a divorce. 
Because marriage is like а house. If love 
is the foundation and sex is the roof, the 
house isn't going to be much good if 
the roof leaks and lets water in to rot the 
foundation. It’s better to pull it down 
n. I believe in the double 
standard—but only before marriage. Sex- 
sponsibility lies with the man. If 


he doesn’t know how, he'd better go out 
and get some practice. You've really got 
to know what you're doing; otherwise, 
she'll be off with the milkman. I really 


believe that no man should be a virgin 


at marriage—but every woman should. 
PLAYBOY: Obviously, if every woma 
a virgin at marriage, it would be 
for every man—or any man—to get pre- 
marital experience. 

CAINE: Fortunatcly, not everyone takes 
my advice. I try to make other people's 
failings work for me. I know—I'm being 
hypocritical and I have this complete 
double мапата. Well, so be it. I'm a 
creature of contradictions. 

PLAYBOY: How do you plan to reconcile 
these contradiction ughter 
when she grows up and begins dating? 
Will you advise her to remain a virgin 
until marriage? 

CAINE: Absolutely. There'll be bloody 
hell to pay if she doesn't. I don't want 
her growing up. promiscuous and. having 
affairs at 17 or 18 and thinking it's all a 
lot of fun. By 25, those girls are alone 
with a gas oven in Earls Court. I know 
that losing a girl's virginity doesn't mean 
she would become promiscuous, but it 
could start that way. Anyway, for religious 
it my daughter to be 
icd. 

PLAYBOY: But many theologians no longer 
sist on virginity. In any case, are you 
so religious? 

CAINE: It's not what theologians say; it's 
what Г say. As for being religious myself 
—yes, 1 am, but not in a pious way. 
PLAYBOY: Who are the girls you've made 
love to supposed to marry? 

CAINE: I’m not concerned about them. 
PLAYBOY: Would you want your daught 
men as you treat women? 

I would want her to be treated 
by men with courtesy and consideration, 
but I don't think a woman should “trea 
men, in any sense of the word. That pre 
supposes some set rule. I would want 
something spontaneous; you Ca “treat” 
someone if you're spontaneous. I would 
like her natural respect for men to be 
what she would expect from them. 
PLAYBOY: What would you cxpcct of a 
son inlaw? 

CAINE: Respect for her. love for her and 
an ability to provide for her. 

PLAYBOY: But not virginity? 

CAINE: Her, yes; him, no. 

PLAYBOY: Couldn't this create problems 


during an engagement? 
CAINE: Of course it could, but I don't 
believe in engagements, Engagements 


are publicrelations stunts for jewelers 
to sell rings. Either you love a woman 
enough to marry her or you don't. But 
you can't get married as a man without 
having had previous sexual experience. 
PLAYBOY: Did you, before your first 
e 


marria 
CAINE: 1 lost my virginity when Т was 15 
with an older woman in a park. She 
invited me and I accepted. She was 


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PLAYEOY 


very understanding and nice about it, 
because, although she satisfied me, I 
couldn't satisfy her; I didn't know the 
first thing about it then. After that, I 
couldn't get anybody else for two years, 
and two years is a long time, especially 
when you don't have any TV in the eve- 
g- Thats when I went home and 
looked at myself and said, “You'll have 
to learn how to chat up the birds if 
you're going to get any. Michael. You're 
going to have to be a talker. It's no good 
standing in the corner of the room and 
waiting for them to come and grab you, 
because they won't" So thats what I 
became. Promi: Promiscuous? No, 
But I did become a 
bit of a lad when 1 came out of the army 
at 20, because, as I said, І tried to in- 
crease the list. Then I realized that's im- 
posible, and so I became a romancer. 
That's what 1 am—a great romancer— 
not a liberi 
LAYBOY: Wouldn't it 
though, that sex plays a central role in 
your life? 

CAINE: Well, I prefer it to watching TV. 
But it's not all that important to me: It 
would be important only if I wasn't get- 
ting any. It's like money. Money’s not 
important if you have it; but it becomes 
enormously important if you don’t. 
LAYBOY: How much emotional involve 
ment do you think there should be 
before one makes love? 

CAINE: That depends on how old you are 
or how drunk you 
PLAYBOY: Have you ever told а girl you 
loved her in order to get into bed with 
her? 

CAINE: Never. 

PLAYBOY: If you promised marriage to 
one girl, would you stay out of bed with 
nother? 

CAINE: I have never promised marriage, 
so I have no frame of reference. Either 
І got married or I didn't. When I was 
married, 1 was faithful 

PLAYBOY: You wouldn't promise marriage 
if you didn't mean it? 

caine: If 1 promised, Fd mean it. A 
promise is like buying something, which 
s why I've never been with a prostitute 
and never will. 
PLAYBOY: How long could you—or would 
you—go out with a girl without making 
love to her? 

caine: Depends what I thought of her. 
If I went out in the first place just to 
make love, then one night. If 1 liked the 
girl very much. I'd probably get bored 
after two weeks. But if I was madly in 
Jove with her, it wouldn't matter to me 
how long I waited. I'd have someone 
else in the meantime, of course—but 
that would be Aer fault, wouldn't it? 
PLAYBOY: Has any woman ever said no 
10 you? 

CAINE: Yes. Several. 

PLAYBOY: Do you accept rejection easily? 
CAINE: Immediately. T don't argue about 
it—and I never ask again. Mind you, 


bc fair to say, 


there is a certain kind of rejection where 
she says no but means, "Would you 
like to come in for coffee?" But there's 
also the kind of no where she slams the 
door in your face. You can't make love 
through a shut door. 

PLAYBOY: If you really wanted someone, 
would you tke no for an answer 
CAINE: Yes, Life is too short to fight los- 
ing battles. І don't believe in the old- 
time maxim that if you woo a woman 
long enough, you'll get her. Today, if you 
woo a woman long enough and in the 
end you do get her, you'll find you didn't 
want her in the first place. And yowll 
have missed all the others. 

PLAYBOY. As a rule, how long do your 
relationships last? 

CAINE: About three years. 

PLAYBOY: Do they tend to be violent, 
tranquil or passionate? 

CAINE: All three. 
PLAYBOY: Why did yo you end your 
affairs “with an ax and give the girl her 
passport"? 

CAINE: Ї can't stand the long-drawn-out 
thing. I've tried it that way and it's like 
tearing people from limb to limb. To do 
it slowly is much, much worse. Of cour 
you can't end an affair without inflicting 
some pain, but its minimal if it's done 
quickly and cleanly. 

PLAYBOY: Are your motives always so 
magnanimous? 

CAINE: Probably not. I suppose it’s cow- 
ardice, really—or selfishness. But if you 
want to know the truth, there has never 
been a woman J really wanted to leave. 
PlAYBOY: Then why do you leave them? 
CAINE: If you're a nice fellow, people 
start taking liberties. If you settle down 
to a long relationship, the woman one 
ng you around. She 
"I've got him." The day a woman 
thinks she has got me, that's the day she 
has lost me. 1 just let people be natural 
with me and I never tell them what I 
like or dislike, and then I know exactly 
what they really feel. That way you find 
out the truth. "Thats what I do with 
women, I let them be themselves and I 
watch them and I'm as tame as а mouse. 
Then one day they say, “Darling, would 
you make the tea?” and I make the tea 
and throw the bloody lot all over them 
and tell them to get out. 
PLAYBOY: You haven't liter 


Пу done that, 


ally every time—if not 
then metaphorically. 1 just wait 
order that says, “I've got 
you where I want you.” and that's the 
end of it. And suitcases go out of the 
window. I can't remember a romance 
I've ended where suitcases didn't go out 
the window. 

PLAYBOY: Since you're still going with 
her, Camilla Ѕрагу obviously isn't. 
you for granted. 

CAINE: I don't know, but I'm watch 
shall find out as sure as God ma 
apples. And He did. 


PLAYBOY: Apart from Camilla, do you 
have any close friends in show business? 
CAINE: Most of my close friends are in 
the business. Surprisingly enough, I'm 
very close to my agent and my producer, 
Hany Saluman, and not because of 
business—although 1 met them through 
business. My other close friends are John 
Bary. who writes the music for the 
Bond films; and Terence Stamp, who is 
my oldest friend. Our interests and back- 
rounds are the same. And my brother 
Stanley, who is tremendously loyal. 
AYBOY: With the exception of your 
brother, do you ever find yourself qu 
tioning these relationships, wondering 
they would still be your friends if you 
weren't a well-known movie star? 
CAINE: No, because I don't become close 
ith anyone for a long time and until I 
know I can trust him. The only thi 
that worries me with old friends like 
Terry Stamp and John Barry is the 
reverse: whether they'll still be friends 
е my success. "They might 
's the only worry I've ever 


with me desp 


PLAYBOY: Stamp is your ex-roommate as 
well as a fellow actor. Is there any rivalry 
between you? 

CAINE: Never, Terry was successful be- 
fore I was; and the thing between us is 
a part came up where the 
choice was between him and me, I know 
he would have turned it down because 
the only other choice was me. He knew 
because he was successful he could get 
something else and I couldn't. 
PLAYBOY: Have you acquired an entour- 
age of hangers-on since you became 
аг? 

CAINE: No. It might look like it when I 
pick up the bill, because some of my 
friends don't have any money. But wh; 
people don't know is that five years ago 
they picked up the bill because J had no 
money. I know who the hangers-on 
would be; and although I regard myself 
‘с man, 1 can be as hard as 
ils when I sense that sort of thing. 
Then shutters come down and alarm 
bells go off. 

PLAYBOY: Apart from socializing with 
friends, how do you spend your free 
time? 

CAINE Living the good life. I regard 
myself as a complete sinner. The sins of 
the flesh have always been very attrac 
tive to me—all of them. Not j 
but good food. wine, clothes. I spend 
about £2000 a year on clothes. 
PLAYBOY: How large is your wardrobe 
CAINE: I have between 30 and 40 suits 
and outfits. And suede coats in varying 
weights. I love suede. 

AYBOY: It's said that you own 50 ide 
ical lightblue buttondown shirts, Is 
that true? 

CAINE: Not at all. І own 150 identical 
light-blue buttondown shirts—always the 
same color, because I can’t stand white 


as a sensit 


ust wome: 


About all there is to do is swim, 
scuba, Snorkel, skindive, fish the 
deep sea, paddle a boat or just float. 
Of course, there are shops to visit, 
movies to watch, trips to take, ska 
parties to enjoy and an 800-foot white 
sand beach to wander. As they say, 
it's no place like home. Unless, of 
course, you happen to have an Olym- 
pic-size pool, sunken Grecian baths, 
meeting rooms, bi-level suites with 
private patios and breathtaking views. 
Plus a night club, gourmet cuisine and 
a bounty of beautiful Bunnies to wait 
on you hand and foot. If this isn't 
the simple life as you know it—try it! 


lts a 
simple life 


Oti re) 


Simpl 
wonderful! 


Ocho Rios, Jamaica, West Indies 


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NAME. 


ADORES: 


сітуа 
т. 


57 


PLAYBOY 


58 


shirts. Not on me, anyway. White is so 
negative. I'm not keen on red, either, 
except on plush seats in theaters—and 
red doesn't suit blonds. 

PLAYBOY: You mentioned your partiality 
to good food and wine. Are you a do-it- 
yourself gourmet like Harry Palmer? Or 
would you rather have somcone else 
cook for you? 

CAINE: I'd rather have someone else do 
everything for mc—well, almost every- 
thing. 


PLAYBOY: Do you have any favorite dish? 
CAINE: Yes. Camilla Sparv. 
PLAYBOY: We hear you've become a pa- 


поп of the arts. Tru 
CAINE: Yes. I spend hours and hours 
with art dealers and antique dealers, just 
sitting around in dungeons and cellars, 
finding out ү being done—and һу 
whom. Not buying. Anyone with a quar- 
as aj ey caliph Ge tom go our and 
buy a "Toulouse-Lautrec because he saw 
Moulin Rouge and liked it, and everyone 
who comes to his dinner 
what f he 
how abour buying modern unknowns, 
which is what I do? It’s not particularly 
courageous, because they're cheap—but 
it's much more fun, They will all hang 
new [i it 
ated. 

PLAYBOY: Do you plan to do it yourself? 
CAINE: No; like my cooking, FI have it 
done for me; it’s more practical. But TIL 
have everything to say about it. I shall 
have it filled with beautiful things, and 
these to me are paintings and antiques. 
But I also like to live effici 
won't keep my socks 


to oper g when I'm in a 
hurry. The things I look at I want to be 
beautiful, and the things that work 
should work fast and smoothly. I like 
17th Century Spanish furniture and I've 
bought a lot of it: but there's no room 
in my house at the moment, so it's all 
over the place, with little red labels or 
it saying soup and I mine, waiting. 
PLAYBOY: The only appurtenance of 
affluence that's missing from your life 
seems to be a Rolls-Royce limousine. 
Why haven't you bought one? 

CAINE: I don’t really need а car. When- 
ever I have to get around, I hire one with 
a driver. Besides. І can't drive. I can't do 
anything, really, except act. I can’t play 


tennis, golf or chess; I can't sing, dance, 
ski, waterski, swordfight or ride a 
horse. 1 can ride а bicycle a 


swim, but that's about it. I'm a real pain 
in the neck to producers who sty, “Now, 
you get in the car and drive up to" 
And I say, “Hold on. І can’t drive." And 
they have to rewrite the whole scene and 
tow the car away with ropes. 

PLAYBOY: 15 there a reason why you never 
1 ed to drive? 

CAINE: Гус spent my whole life lcarning 
to become an actor. It hasn't been easy 
for me. Now I don't need to drive a car 


and I don't own опе. Acting took all my 
time; it wasn't natural for me. At first it 
was a painful thing—and nerve-wracking. 
It still is, but I conceal it more. People 
say, "Look at his confidence." But all І 
have is confidence. Beneath it is nerves. 
At the end of each day, my shirt is wring- 
ing wet. Hell, aftcr every take. 
PLAYBOY: Why the strain 
CAINE: Acting—for me, anyway—re- 
quires tremendously hard work. You 
don't mind failing if you don't work very 
hard. But supposing you sweat your guts 
ош and you're a leading man with a pic- 
ture costing $3,000,000, like The Billion 
Dollar Brain. You're constantly trying to 
improve what you do; but suppose what 
you do doesn't improve it; suppose it just 
ruins the whole damn thing. That's 
where the nerves come in. I's а quick- 
silver quality that I'm trying to find. Di- 
rectly you've got your finger on it, it’s 
over the other side. For me, it’s an uphill 
battle, because I'm always uying to do 
more than I know I can. That's what 
makes you sweat. 

PLAYBOY: You've also said that “unprofes- 
sionalism” puts you on edge. Would you 
borate? 

By unprofesionalism I mean 
ng with a bad actor. 1 always try to 
work with people who are better than 1 
am. It also irks me to be called hours be- 
fore I'm used. I always know my line: 
Tm always on time and I always know 
my moves, even if the director changes 
them, But I never lose my temper. No 
one has ever seen me do that on set. 
PLAYBOY: Is it wise to bottle yourself up? 
CAINE: T suppose it would be beuer to 
lose my temper and not save it up until 
the evening and rant and rave at my girl- 
friend—though суеп that doesn't hap- 
pen very often. But I hold onto myself, 
because if you lose your temper, you lose 
control for that day on the set. You be- 
come the for that day and the 
work you do will probably be rubbish. 
PLAYBOY: Peter O'Toole refuses to see his 


own movies, good or bad. How about 
you: 
CAINE: No, I see all of Peter O'Toole's 


movies. 
PLAYBOY: We deserved that. How about 
your own? 

caine: I do, and I react as though I 
were the producer. I take a very objec- 
tive view of everything—from my own 
performance to the lighting and the 
direction. 

PLAYBOY: Do you like yourself on the 
screen? 

caine: If I do something good. 
PLAYBOY: Do you nag yourself about a 
poor performance? 

CAINE: No, because that’s concentration 
going backward. I concentrate on what's 
ahead; if I do something bad, 1 con 
uate on not letting it happen neat time 
rather than worrying about it last time. 
PLAYBOY: How do you react to cri 
af your acting? 


icism 


CAINE: Better than anyone I know, 
whether my performances are good or 
bad. When I read a critic, I first read 
what he has to say about me—and then 
compare it with what I know. If he’s 
wrong, then he's an idiot, as far as I am 
concerned. I watch to see if the critics 
can pick it out—if the script was bad or 
the leading lady awful, or if she was mar 
velous and I was awful, 1 always know 
and I watch to sec if they know, too. All 
I ask from them is justice. If I do some 
thing good, I want their approval; but if 
*s bad, I want their disapproval. 1f I get 
it in inverse ratio, I become very upset 
PLAYBOY: Do you feel the same about off- 
screen criticism? 
CAINE: 1 don't give a damn about that. I 
а atic stop-up in the ears, 
because it bores me. Especially opinions 
on me аз a person. 
PLAYBOY: At the risk of boring you 
we consider a few of those opinions? 
CAINE: If you insist. 
PLAYBOY: Whenever you're criticized per- 
s most often for being rude 
Are you? 
CAINE: On the contrary, I consider my- 
self one of nature's gentlemen. I am very 
sensitive to other people's feelings and I 
bend over backward to avoid hurting 
them—provided they have the same re- 
spect for тс. 1 am never ш 
rude; and if anyone who reads this has 
been upset by anything I've said, it has 
been bloody deliberate. 
PLAYBOY: A few of your ex-girlfriends 
have accused you of selfishness and ego- 
tism. Guilty or not guilty? 
CAINE: I can be selfish, but only when I 
fecl I'm being taken advantage of. Bi 
cally, though, І think I'm fairly unselfish. 
I can't daim to be modest, but I don't 
agree that I'm egotistical. 1 do consider 
myself а humble person, though—if 
anything, too humble. 
PLAYBOY: You've also been 
ionated and overbearing. 
CAINE: 1 can't deny that I have strong 
opinions, but they're all carefully соп. 
sidered, and I'm entitled to them just as 
you are to yours. I might try to persuade 
you that I'm right and youre wrong, but 
І wouldn't ever uy to impose them on 
If you want to be a bloody fool, 
1's your own business. With or with- 
out anyone's advice or consent, I'll al- 
ways be in constant rebellion against 
everything I don't like—and theres a 
great deal I don't like. But I don't rebel 
jux for the sake of it or for other 
people's causes, 
PLAYBOY: Docs 
itself. politically? 
CAINE: No, only socially. For me, profes- 
sional politicians are like a lot of stars in 
show busincss who are terribly highly 
paid, carning more money than I ever 
will, but they can't act. Can't act at all. 
Politicians are like those stars. They are 
professional opportunists—all of them, 
(continued on page 166) 


could 


led opin- 


that rebellion. manifest 


WHAT SORT OF MAN READS PLAYBOY? 


Ayoung guy whose program for pleasure includes everything from beautiful sights to swinging 
sounds, the PLAYBOY reader is a buyer of the highest fidelity. Facts: 2,483,000 adult male 
readers of PLAYBOY purchased record-playing equipment within the past year. And PLAYBOY 
is read by 41% of all adult males in the country who purchased five or more tape reels within the 
past year. Sound suggestion: Turn up your sales volume with PLAYBOY. (Source: 1966 В. Р. I.) 


New York + Chicago - Detroit . Los Angeles - San Francisco - Atlanta - London + Tokyo 


А 
HORSE’S 
HEAD 


the original corpse 
had escaped, so 
mullaney got the role— 
and a tailor-made suit 
that didn't fit 


Part I of a new novel 
By EVAN HUNTER 


Sce, sec! What shall I see? 
Ahorse’sheadwhere his tail should be. 


1: JAWBONE, 


HE CAME TUMBLING down the stairs head 
over heels, cursing аз his skull collided 
with each angled joining of riser and 
tread, wincing whenever a new step 
rushed up to mect him and thinking all 
the while, how dare he do this to me, a 
good old friend like me? 

He was а lanky man of 39, needing a 
haircut, wearing a rumpled brown suit 
and а raincoat that had once been white, 
falling down the stairs with all the grace 
of a loose bundle of sticks, lurching and 
hurtling and banging every bone in his 
body. Oh, you will pay for this, he 
thought, you will most certainly pay for 
this. 

“And estay out!” a voice called from 
the top of the steps 

He could not believe he had reached 
landing, everything still hurt as much 
le he was falling. He got up 
and dusted off first the knees of his 
trousers and then the sleeves of his rain- 
coat and then he picked up his bauered 
which had preceded him down 
case with perhaps even less gr. 
and rubbed the elbow of his coat across 


ILLUSTRATION BY BOB POST 


PLAYBOY 


62 


the hat and then set it on his head at 
what he assumed was a jaunty angle. It 
was while he was putting on his hat that 
he discovered his forehead was bleed- 
ng. which was really no small wonder, 
considering the number of steps he had 
hit on his descent. He thought it su- 
premely rude of the proprietor of the 
place, a Puerto Rican gentleman named 
Hijo, which means son (and he could 
guess son of what), to have thrown him 
down the stairs simply because he'd 
asked for a $50 loan. He wished he had 
half the money he had spent in Hijo's 
place over the past ten. years, make that 
а quarter of the попсу, and then to be 
hustled out the door and hurled down 
the stairs. You'll for this, Hijo. he 
thought, and stuck out his tongue to wet 
the handkerchief, and then wiped the 
blood. and then walked our into the 
daylight. 

Tt was a rare sp 
ng herself like a naked whore 
April, he thought cheerily, and then 
winced and felt his backside, cert: 
he'd broken something. You dirty rat, 
Hijo, he thought, sounding in his mind 
like James Cagney, I'll get you for thi 
you dirty rat, and he smiled, Oh, it was a 
lovely day. Oh, all the sweet young girls 
of New York were out in their summer 
dresses, having shucked their girdles and. 
other restricting garments, wiggling along 
the avenue, prancing along as though ha 
ing been led into the paddock to be ogled 
by horse bettors of all ages, Andrew 
Mullaney himself included. 

Except, of course, that he himself had 
not been able to borrow $50 from Hijo, 
son of, and whereas he had the 20 cents 
necessary for the purchase of a subj 
token to take him out to the Big Bold 
Beautiful Big A, he did not have the 
wherewithal to bet once he got there, 
great horse player that he was. The terri- 
Dle pity about not having been able to 
raise the 550 was that Mullaney had 
received from a somewhat disreputable 
uptown dice player a tip on the fourth 
race, a filly namal Jawbone who was 
supposed to be a hands-down winner. 
The disreputable dice player was a 
charter member of the Cosa Nostra, so it 
could be assumed that his information 
had come, if not directly from the horse's 
mouth, at least directly from the mouth 
of someone intimate with the horse's 
mouth. All of which left Mullaney out in 
the cold, because the only thing you can 
do with a hot tip is play it. Nor can you 
tell anyone else how hot the tip is, lest it 
suddenly cool; there's nothing so fickle 
as a parimutuel board. So Mullancy 
‘wasn't feeling particularly cheerful about 
his inability to raise the money. 

The thought of Jawbone waiting to be 
bet, and the Biblical association with 
Amson, made him think again of his own 
aching ass and the way he had bounced 
along on cach of those 37 steps, more 


g day, April flaunt- 
Hello, 


than that even, he had stopped counting 
after he hit his forehead on number 38; 
one more and he could have made a 
Hitchcock movic. He was beginning to 
discover all sorts of little aches and 
bruises now that he was out in the warm 
spring sunshine, If only I had some 
hospitalization insurance, he thought, I 
could collect on it and then put the 


money down on Jawbone. The trouble is, 
they take a long time to pay off on those 
hospitalization bets; and besides, 1 don’t 
have 


ny insurance. What I do have is 
ws in my pocket; I wonder if any- 


can risk the 20 cents and take the 
out; there's sure to be somebody there T 
know. I can stand outside the entrance 
—bound to run into somebody out there 
—and explain that this is really a sizzler 
of a tip. build it up a little, say I got it 
from the owner of a big stable down in 
Kentucky, instead of a small dice player 
with family connections, maybe promote 
the price of admission plus а small stake 
besides. It might be worth the risk. Fifty 
bucks or so on the nose of a horse that in 
the morning line was 20 to 1, that’s a 
thousand bucks, even if the odds don’t 
dimb, which they usually do on a long 
shot. 

He was standing on the corner of 14th 
and Fourth, trying to decide whether he 
should buy himself a couple of candy 
bars or a token instead, when the black 
Cadillac limousine pulled to the curb. 
He backed away from the curb at once, 
because he had the sudden fecling that 
this the President of the United 
States pulling up, that the doors would 
open and a few Secret Service пи 
would emerge, and then the President 
himself would step out and go across the 
street to S. Klein, ALWAYS ON THE SQUARE, 
to buy himself a ten-gallon hat that was 
on sale, maybe several ten-gallon hats to 
give away to Pei nisters of state. 
He was convinced this would be the 
President. He was very surprised when 
only a gentleman with a beard got out 
of the car, even though the gentleman 
looked like someone in very high diplo- 
matic circles, not the President, of 
course, and not even an American diplo- 
mat, but nonetheless a very big wig, in- 
deed. Mullaney stepped aside to give the 
bearded gentleman room to pass, but the 
gentleman stopped alongside him in- 
stead and said directly into his right ear, 
"Get in the car.” 

For a moment Mullaney thought he 
had also somehow injured his hearing 
on the trip down from the pool hall, 
but the bearded gentleman repeated the 
words, "Get in the car," with a foreig) 
accent Mullaney could not place. Only 
this time he pushed something into Mul- 
laney's and Mullaney 
wasn't a pipe. He had once been held up 
n Harlem after a crap game, and he 
knew the fecl of a revolver against his 


side, new it 


ribs; and whereas this probably wasn't 
an American-make gun, considering who 
was holding it, it nonetheless had the 
feel of a very hefty weapon that could 
put several holes in a fellow if he wasn’t 
too careful. So Mullaney said, "As а mat- 
ter of fact, I was just thinking about get 
ting into that car, sir.” and immediately 
got in. The man with the beard got in 
after him and closed the door. The 
driver pulled the big machine away from 
the curb. 

аке me out to Aqueduct,” Mullaney 
said jokingly, “and then you may have 
the rest of the afternoon off,” but no one 
laughed 


The stonecutter's establishment 
adjacent to the cemetery. 

An angry April wind, absent in Man- 
hattan, sent eddies of lingering fallen 
leaves across a gravel path leading to the 
clapboard building. The path was lined 
with marble headpicces, some of them 
blank, some of them chiseled, one of them 
announcing in large letters acros its 
black marble face, IN LOVING MEMORY 
OF MARTIN CALLAHAN, LOVING HUSBAND, 
1935-1907; Mullaney shuddered at the 
thought. 

They had parked the limousine be- 
hind what appeared to be a bigger black 
hearse than Abraham Feinstein had 
been blessed with at his funeral. Fein- 
stein had been the king of the Brons 
blackjack players; Mullaney would al- 
ways remember his funeral fondly. He 
wanted to tell the bearded gentleman 
that it wasn't really necessary to provide 
anything as ostentatious as Feinstein's 
funeral had been; Mullaney was, afte 
all, just a simple horse player. A plain 
pine box would suffice, a small head- 
stone stating simply: MULLANEY. But the 
bearded gentleman again prodded him 
with the Luger and urged him along the 
gravel path to the cottage that was the 
stonecutter’s office. Three men were 
1g inside. One was obviously the 
owner of the establishment, because he 
asked, as soon as they entered, whether 
any of them would care for a bit of 
schnapps. The bearded gentleman said 
no, they had business to attend to, there 

ime for schnapps when business 
was at hand. The two other men looked. 
at Mullaney and one of them said, 
“Gouda, this is mot the corpse.” 
I know," the bearded gentleman 
swered. So he is Gouda, Mullaney 
thought, and winced when Gouda said, 
“But he will make a fine substitute 
corpse.” 

“Where is the original corpse?” the 
other man said. He was wearing a tweed 
jacket with leather elbow patches. He 
looked very much like a country squire 
from Wales. 

“The original corpse jumped out of 
the car on Fourteenth Street,” Gouda 

(continued on page 156) 


was 


was no 


“Chuck, baby, this ad is going to sell us 


one helluva lot of dog food!” 


SOMETHING MARVELOUSLY METAPHYSICAL takes place when 
an indoor meal, no matter how magnificent, is carried out- 
doors. Simply by crossing the threshold between living room 


and terrace, vichyssoise suddenly becomes creamier, cham- 
pagne bubblier and fruit juicier. An alfresco dining room 
can be a terrace high above a city street, a stretch of blue 
stone beside a swimming pool or a grass carpet under a patio 
umbrella. Wherever he holds forth, the host planning his 
party must remember above all else that the Italian word 
fresco means fresh, green or new; and that while sunlight 
and cool zephyrs and starry nights are all indispensable 
seasoning ingredient, a perfect menu should follow the 
fiesh-green-new party line. 

Quite often, a meal served under the heavens will include 
an old classic, such as cold chicken Jeanette—boneless breast 
of chicken in a velvety jellied sauce, flanked with slices of 
paté de foie gras. It’s not literally new, but like the charm of 
baroque music reaching ears for the first time, it comes as 


a fresh discovery whenever it’s served. A bowl of pasta does 
not an Italian menu make. But when long threads of vermi- 


celli are tossed with fresh chunks of Atlantic crab meat, 
minced green peppers, scallions and chives, the old world 
takes on a new delicious Luster. 

An elegant alfresco dinner can be a city mile from the 
stereotype cold picnic. A basket of cold cuts, a loaf of bread 
and a jug of wine may be paradise enow when transported 
from the trunk of your Jag to your own secluded babbling 
brook. But alfresco menus on the grand scale tend to be an 
appetizing amalgam of hot and cold. Hot consommé with a 
feathery garnish of spun eggs will provide all the benefits of 
a kitchen comfortably beyond the range of its heat. Cold 
peaches in champagne will take the edge off the most torrid 
summer day 


At no time of the year is the gourmet's almanac as richly 
crowded as the June-through-September season of lobster, 
crab meat, asparagus, melons, berries and peaches, There are 
5 so large and luscious that they come 
equipped with their own tableware—long green stems for 


now strawberri 


eating the fruit or for dipping it into a combination of 
brown sugar and sour cream. Both Frenchmen and Italians 
have a way with strawberries, and alfresco chefs with a sweet 
tooth find endless inspiration in the Italian berry bowl of 
strawberries min, 


Tlegance 
“Under the 
Stars 


food and drink By THOMAS MARIO 


on patio, lawn or penthouse terrace, alfresco dining can 
be а gala occasion, poles apart from barbecues and picnics 


PLAYBOY 


and pasticceria, Summertime melons can 
supplant soup, appetizer or dessert at an 
alfresco feast. They must be frosty cold 
and, usually, the bigger and thicker, the 
better. Melon with fruit is a well-known 
charm on a summer menu. When you 
think of the wide variety of melons— 
honeydews with their lime-colored flesh, 
Persian melons with their incredibly 
heavy meat, looking like cantaloupes but 
tasting infinitely richer, subtly flavored 
sabas and late Cranshaws bursting with 
juice—and when you also think not only 
of the spicy prosciutto but of the more 
delicate Westphalian ham and the 
pepper-cured Smithfield ham, the possible 
ermutations in this deparument reach 
infinity. The first of the Deep South's 
peaches to put in an appearance are the 
son-flushed Early Rose, ng like 
to their stones. They're followed 
by the sensuously sweet Elbertas, 
which are, of course, freestone. 

Like coffee and cognac, alfresco din- 
ners and summer wine cups glorify each 
other. Wine cups are based on the sound 
theory that thirst quenchers and summer 
entertainment can both flow from the 
same pitcher. Actually, wine cups are 
neither served in cups nor mixed in cups, 
but in the tallest pitchers you can find. 
There are as many different wine cups as 
there are men to mix them. The wine 
may be any red from claret to chianti, 
any white from riesling to Chilean 
blanco; but in every case, it must be dry 
with the rich taunting flavor of the 
grape. The Spanish are past masters at 
this art, as anyone can testify who's ever 
slaked his thirst with the countless spe- 
cies of sangrias in the Iberian Peninsula. 
About an hour before mealtime, the 
Spanish maestro at the bar marinates his 
wine, fruit and fruit peel. This short siesta 
is what gives the sangria its benison. All 
good wine cups in the summertime seem 
to share one common fault: "They're 
never big enough. Even nonwine drinkers 
find themselves drinking on and on. 
Hours will pass, and the wine cup is still 
fresco. We're in the habit of pouring a 
boule of claret into a 2-quart pitcher 
and adding 8 ozs. fresh orange juice, 2 ozs. 
fresh lemon juice, 3 tablespoons sugar, 
2 whole rinds of large California oranges 
cut into horse's necks, 6 slices each of 
orange and lemon and 11% teaspoons 
Angostura bitters. When this last occult 
ingredient. has been thoroughly intro- 
duced to everything else with a long bar 
spoon, we stow the pitcher in the refrig- 
erator till the alfresco hour, when we 
add club soda and ice, in about equal 
quantities, filling the pitcher to the rim. 

There were terraces long before there 
were tranquilizers, Guests, stretched out 
on your leisure chairs, feeling charitable 
toward the whole world, may be pre- 
isposed to find whatever food and drink 
you proffer to be perfect. But the host 
himself should never be a victim of his 
own builtin hospitality. To help keep 


him as carefree as possible, there are 
now countless models of food carts, all 
designed to quickly and quietly trans 
port food and drink from indoors to 
outdoors, There are carts with movable 
shelves and drawers, carts with hot table 
surfaces that merely require plugging in 
to keep soup marmites and casseroles 
bubbling hot. There are others with re- 
cessed condiment racks, some with gal- 
Jerics to guard gin and tonic from sliding 
onto the flagstones. There are carts with 
beds for charcoal fires and beds for 
crushed ice. There are bars on wheels 
and ice tubs on wheels. Be sure, how- 
ever, that whatever model you choose 
rides on soft rubber tires and ball-bearing 
wheels for conquering the sometimes 
rough journey from carpet to doorsill to 
terrace. 

For hosts whose chateaux have too 
many stairs for anything on wheels, there 
are on-the-spot electric tureens and casse- 
roles for keeping hot things hot, and deep 
trays with ice sections for keeping cold 
things cold. In spite of all the stream- 
lined bar equipment, there’s much to be 
said for the old-fashioned wicker tote 
basket, holding its cargo of six basic 
bottles—Scotch, American whiskey, gin, 
rum, vodka and vermouth, Finally, for 
the alfresco late show, the proper roman- 
tic glow can be supplied by slender bu- 
tane candles, which neither burn down 
nor drip nor smoke. 

A pleasant gourmandial note is struck 
when an alfresco menu bears the deci- 
sive flavor of one nation or another's 
kitchen. Over the years, the French and 
Italian cuisines, like the two Rivieras, 
have overlapped and influenced each 
other so much that the influenced dishes 
often turn out to be superior to the 
models from which they sprung. The 
French strawberries marinated in liqueur 
(fraises Romanoff) become the even tastier 
Italian strawberries amaretti Italian 
stracciatella soup becomes consommé 
Windsor or consommé with spun eggs- 
Here now, speaking for both schools, are 
two designs for prandial pleasure. Each 
of the following recipes serves six. 


1. Gorgonzola Cream 
Vermicelli with Crab Meat Verde 
Romaine, Ege and Anchovy Salad 
Strawberries Amarettini 
Espresso 


GORGONZOLA CREAM 


Crumble 12 oz. gorgonzola cheese. 
Force it through a wire strainer or colan- 
der. Add 3 ozs. sweet butter at room 
temperature. Mix well Shape into a 
round or oval cake 34 in. thick. Place 
on serving plate. Sprinkle with grated 
parmesan cheese and with finely minced 
fresh chives. Serve as spread for cocktail 
crackers. 


til serving time. Cook vermicelli 


VERMICELLI WITH CRAB MEAT VERDE 


1% lbs. fresh deluxe crab lump 
% cup finely minced onion 


teaspoon oregano 
cup butter 
% cup flour 


% cup light cream 

1 cup dam broth 

3 tablespoons finely minced celery 

leaves 

1 tablespoon finely minced chives 

X, cup dry white wine 

Salt, pepper 

14 Ibs. vermicelli 

Examine crab lump carefully and re- 
move any pieces of shell or cartilage. 
Sauté onion, green pepper, scallions and 
oregano in butter just until onion turns 
yellow. Remove from fire and stir in 
flour, blending well. In а saucepan, 
heat milk, cream and dam broth to 
boiling point. Slowly stir milk mixture 
into sautéed vegetables. Return to a low 
flame and simmer 10 minutes, stirring 
frequently. Add crab lump, celery 
leaves, chives, white wine, and salt and 
pepper to taste. Simmer until crab meat 
is heated through. Keep sauce 


water until just tender. Drain very well 
Pour sauce over vermicelli on serving 
plates. 


ROMAINE, EGG AND ANCHOVY SALAD 


Lower a large tomato into boiling 
salted water for 20 seconds. Pcel tomato 
and cut out stem end. Squeeze to ге. 
move excess water. Cut 6 anchovy fillets 
into small dice. Chop tomato with an. 
chovies until tomato is reduced to a 
pulp. Rub a salad bowl well with a cut 
dove of garlic. Prepare enough romaine 
то make 6 cups, cut or torn into 
picos Romaine оа be very) well 
dried with paper toweling. Place ro 
maine in bowl. Add 1 hard-boiled egg 
cut into small dice. Add 3 tablespoons 
olive oil or more to taste. Toss well. Add 
tomato mixture and ] tablespoon wine 
vinegar. Toss well. Season to taste. 


STRAWBERRIES AMARETTINI 


1 quart large strawberries 
J4 cup sugar 
3 ozs. strawberry liqueur 
1 oz. kirsch liqueur (not the usual dry 
kirsch) 
1 cup heavy cream 
3 tablespoons sugar 
16 teaspoon vanilla 
1314-02. can pineapple chunks, well 
drained 
Soz. pkg. атагсиіпі (tiny imported 
macaroons) 
Remove stems from strawberries. If ber- 
ries are large, slice in half length 
(concluded on page 155) 


ILLUSTRATION BY KINUKO CRAFT 


fiction By JAMES LEO HERLIHY 


if you can’t afford to indulge your own expensive vices, how can you 
be expected to ante up for a miserable chick with a monkey on her back? 


TOM, DON’T YOU THINK I should tell Ceil and 
Harry about Friday night? Well, / do. 

It was truly one of those I mean like (quote) 
great nights (underscore). And it came about 
with no help whatev just took place. "That's 
East Village, I mean it’s not the East Seventies. 
Things can still happen here, thank God we 
moved. 

To wit: We have these really darling kids up- 
stairs—three boys. (Don’t ask me what the “ar- 
rangements” are!) One of them, the blond, with 
hair down to here and eyes that see other worlds, 
is sweet on me. Strictly Oedipus-type thing, I 


mean it isn't voulez-vous coucher, he wants to 
be in my lap! 

Which I, Gloria of the barren marriage, see 
no harm in. 

Tom, Tom, Tom, I'm not blaming anybody 
for the barren marriage, Ceil and Harry know 
we've chosen it thus, they know you're just 
bursting with seed. Pretty please, I’m trying to 
tell something, Tom, is nothing sacred? 

Anyway! 

I'm sitting here, gagging with boredom, at 
ten-thirty Friday night: Tom asleep in that 
chair, much as you (continued on page 152) 


67 


PLAYBOY 


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“Well, it was advertised as being loosely woven.” 


JUDAISM AND THE 
DEATH OF GOD 


a distinguished theologian explains the role of the jew in a godless world 


opinion By RABBI RICHARD L. RUBENSTEIN 


THERE 15 A THEOLOGICAL UNDERGROUND. It is very old. Some 
of the most hallowed thinkers of both Judaism and Chris 
anity have been members in their time. I suspect that Moses 
Maimonides, Thomas Aquinas, Meister Eckhart and Sören 
Kierkegaard were members. There is a simple qualification 
for membership: One must have ideas in advance of what 
the ofhcial religious establishment is able to accept. In the 
Middle Ages, membership—if discovered—could lead to bi 
excommunication, burning at the stake or having one's tongue 
cut out. Today the penaltics are more subtle; but in its own 
way, today's establishment can be as harsh as its predecessors. 

Death-o-God theology is underground theology spectacu- 
Jarly risen to the surface. It has merited debate, books, radio 
and television coverage, newspaper reports, а PLAYBOY article 
and a Time cover. As recently as three years ago, cach of the 
major exponents of the new theological mood thought he was 
an intellectual loner, expounding ideas that aroused the in- 
tense disapproval of his religious cstablishment. It isn't casy 
to be a loner. Even theologians 
want acceptance, but not 2t the 
price of self-falsification. Then, 
quite suddenly, each of us real- 
ized that we weren't alone, that 
there was a group of theologians 
who were, each in his own way, 
expressing а very contemporary 
sensibility. As Professor William 
Hamilton, one of the move- 
ment’s leading exponents, has 
written in PLAYBOY: “Three or 
four of us seemed to be work- 
ing along similar lines . . . critics began to call us a movement 
and we looked around and decided perhaps they were right.’ 

I first leamed of death-of-God theology trom le by 
Hamilton entitled “The Death of God Theologies Today” 
that appeared in the spring 1965 issue of The Christian 
Scholar. To my very great surprise, Hamilton associated my 
own theological writings with the death-of-God movement. 
My first reaction was acute embarrassment and skepticism. 
As Hamilton has said several times, the metaphor of the 
death of God is of Chri m. Without the centrality 
of the crucifixion in Christian thought and experience, there 
would be no talk of death-of-God theology today. The ancient 
pagan religions had dying gods aplenty, but only in Chris 
y docs the omnipotent Lord of heaven and earth 
mortality in the person of Jesus and suffer degra 
bitter death on the cross And alone among the religions 
of the world, Christianity has as its symbol the instrument 
of execution by which God—in the person of Jesus—was 
executed. 

1 am a rabbi and a Jewish theologian. Judaism has no 
tradition of the death of God. The whole burden of Jewish 
tradition emphatically rejects even the remotest hint of the 
death of God. Furthermore, Jews have been called deicides 
зо frequently and wi results that che whole idea 
elicits a very spe aste from most of us. It was not 
surprising th: truggled to escape being designated a 
death-of-God theologian. Nevertheless, 1 quickly realized that 
Hamilton was correct in his assessment of my theological writ- 
ings. 1 am convinced that the issues implicit in death-of-God 


theology are of as much, if not more, е to contem 
porary Judaism as to Protestant Christianity. 1 am deeply 
grateful to. Hamilton for enabling me to clarify my position 
а Jewish theologian. 
Hamilton writes that 


he understands “the death of God” 
largely in terms of the fact that “there was once a God to 
whom adoration, praise and trust were appropriate . . . but 
that now there is no such God." 1 agree that we live in a 
ld totally devoid of the presence of God. 1 believe 
y of all current attempts, such as prayer and religious 
discipline, to make God meaningfully present to 
alone. We shall remain alone. Nevertheless, I do not bel 
rt that God is dead. How could we 
possibly know this? Such a statement exceeds human know! 
edge. The statement “God is dead” is, like all theological 
Statements, significant only in terms of what it reveals about 
maker, It imparts information concerni what he believes 
about God. It says much about the kind of man hc is. Jt 
reveals по bout God. I 
prefer to assert that we live in 
the time of the death of God 
rather than to declare, as Hamil- 
ton does, that God is dead. 

The death of God is a cul 
tural fact. We shall never know 
whether it is more than that. 
This plies that 
theology is important only inso 
far as it lends insight into the 
human condition. Though the- 
ology purports to make 5 
ments about God, its significance rests largely on wi 
reveals about the theologian and his culture. 

АШ theologies are inherently subjective. The theologian i 
to the poet and the creative artist chan to the 
nüst. The value of artistic creation lies the 
fact that a highly sensitive ble to communicate 
g important out of his own experience that other 
men recognize as clarifying and enriching their own insights. 
The theologian, no matter how ecclesiasücally oriented he 
seem to be, is in reality communicating an inner world 
he suspects other men share. 

‘The term “God” is very much like the unstructured ink 
blot used Rorschach tests. Its very lack of definite content 
tes men to pour out their fears, aspirations and уса 
concerning their origin, their destiny and their end. That is 
why Paul Tillich spoke of religion as "ultimate concer 
When I say that the death of God is a cultural event, I me: 
that there is no longer any sense in which we can assert th 
God is effectively present in our lives. The thread linki; 
heaven and earth, God and man, has been irrevocably broke 
We now dwell in a silent, unfeeling cosmos in which we are 
condemned to live out our lives and return to the nothingness 
ош of which we have arisen, Furthermore, 1 have absolutely 
no expectation of a return of the divine. The direction of 
our culture has been and will continue to be away from the 
sacred and toward the profane. A profane society knows 
neither God nor gods. For beter or for worse, it has only its 
human resources to rely upoi 

When did all this happen? For Jews, the death of God as 


suggestion i 


69 


PLAYBOY 


70 


a cultural event did not begin on the 
cross. Christian and Jewish radical theo- 
logians are as separated in their inter- 
pretation of Jesus as were earlier, more 
traditional Christian and Jewish theolo- 
gians. During the past year, I partici 
pated in public dialog with Hamilton 
nd with Profesor Thomas J. J. Alize 
one of the most gifted of the Christian 

adici] theologians, at the University of 
Chicago and at Emory University in At- 
lanta, We were in agreement that ours 
the time of the death of God. Obviously, 
we could not agree on the significance of 
Jesus. 

Nor did the death of God happen for 
Jews through the literature and philoso 
phy of the 19th Century. Hamilton ha 
stated that this literature was decisive 
for the Protestant radicals, Altizer coi 
curs in this judgment. Hegel, Dostoievsky, 
Marx, Kierkegaard and Nicusche have 
had an enormous clfect on Jewish reli- 
gious intellectuals, but we did not lose 
sod through their writings. For every 
Jew, whether he admits it or not, God 
died at Auschwitz, After Auschwitz, it 
became impossible for Jews to believe in 
litional Jewish God as the all- 
allwise, albbeneficent. creator 


g to traditional Jewish bel 
whatever happens in human history doc 
so because God in his infinite wisdom 
nd justice causes it to happen. This con- 
viction has been inseparable from Jewish 
gious sensibility from the time of the 
oldest books of the Bible to the present. 
I realized graphically and decisively that 
I could no longer accept the ua 
belief during an interview in West Berlin 
in the summer of 1961. 1 shall never for- 
get that encounter. On Sunday, August 
13, the East Germans closed the border 
between East and West Berlin, creating 
the Berlin Wall crisis. 1 had been invited 
to Germany by the Bundespresseamt, 
the Press and Information Office of the 
West German Federal Republic, to sur- 
vey cultural and religious trends in West 
Germany. Unexpeaedly, I found myself 
in Berlin án the midst of one of the most 
explosive international crises of the post- 
War period. The Bundespresseamt ar- 
ranged a series of 
leaders. One of the interviews 
was with the Reverend Dr. Heinrich 
Grüber, Provost of the Evangelical 
(Lutheran) Church of East and West 
Berlin. 

Dean Grübers church was in East 
Berlin. He lived in the West Berlin sub- 
urb of Berlin-Dahlem. Our interview was 
scheduled for four PM., Thursday, Au 
gust 17. As I entered the dean's hon 
A my tanks rumbled past the 
house. At the time, I had serious doubts 
that I would ever leave Berlin alive. The 
dean had a distinguished record of oppo- 
sition to 1 ng World Wa 
Two. He was imprisoned in Dachau for 


nterviews for me with 


icu 


three years by Eichmann for his efforts 
on behalf of the condemned Jews of 
Nazi Germany. He was the only 
to testify against Eichmann at the 


usalem. Since the end of the War, he 
has been one of the leaders of the move 
ment f. hristian-Jewish reconciliat 


in Germany. He was certainly no anti- 
te, yet he told me with the utmost 
conviction: 

"IL was God's will that Hiller extermi- 
nated the Jews.” 

Like all tradi 
tian bel had fai 
that whatever happened in history took 
се because am all-powerful Creator 
itely caused it to happen. He 
also convinced that God was behind 
the erection of the Berlin Wall, as а 
punishment for the sins of the German 
people, He certainly did not believe that 
the death camps were a good thing. Nev 
ertheless, he couldn't help but believe 
that God was ultimately responsible for 
them, And he was not alone. Апу t 
tionally religious Jew would have had 
to agree with the dean, in spite of the 
nfinite pain such agreement would 
inevitably elicit, In moments of sad but 
exueme candor, some of my rabbinic 
colleagues have told me that they believed. 
God was punishing His people through 
Hitler. I realized, as 1 listened to the 
dean, that there was no way 1 could be- 
lieve in the all-powerful God of tradi- 
tional Judaism and Christianity without 
accepting the notion that He was active- 
ly involved in the obscene horrors of 
World War Two. I could never accept 
the justice of God's involvement i 
Auschwitz. In The Brothers Karamazov, 
Ivan Karamazov tells his brother Alyosha 
that he can accept God but not His 
world. I can accept the world. It is an 
absurd, meaningless, gratuitous place, but 


h and Chris- 


it is my place, It is all I have or shall 
ever have. But I cannot, a rabbi, ac 
cept the traditional belief in the alk 


powerful Author of mankind’s history and 
destiny. To do so would be to affirm that 
my people got what they deserved at 
Auschwitz. И I must choose between God 
nd my fellow тап, I cin get along ve 
well without God. I could not survive 
spiritually or physically without human 
fellowship. After Auschwiu, God has 
become a stranger and an alien to 
Hamilton writes of the death of 
“It ds a joyous event; it is a liberating 
event...” Here the gulf between Jew- 
h and Christian radical theologians is 
perhaps greatest. I am saddened by the 
loss of God. But Hamilton echoes the 
optimism that characerizes many of 
today's brightest Protestant theologians 
"Thomas Altizer sces the death of God as 
moment of great liberation. He is con 
need that there is no room for both 
God and He believes that God 
literally died with Christ on the cross. In 
a brilliant interpretation of the theology 
of the crucifixion, Altizer maintains that 


man. 


God died so that man could be totally 
free. When God and man coexisted, men 
were slaves enchained to a heavenly 
master and lawgiver. According to Alti- 
zer, it was not God but man who was 
resurrected on Easter Sunday. Т 
Christian theology maint 
ficial death of Christ liberates п 
from sin and death; Altizer ma 
that the death of Christ was truly the 
death of God. It liberated man from God 
and made him truly free for the first time 
Aluizer joyously prodaims the gospel of 
Christian atheism, The death of God 
means the birth of a free, adult hum 
ty. There is an apocalyptic d 
Altizer's religious optimism. 

The same optimism pervades Harvey 
Cox’ brilliant theological interpretation 
of comtemporary culture, The Secular 
City. Although Cox is not a death-ol- 
God theologian, he can be classified 


ns 


ani 
nension to 


theological radical, Cox divides human 
social organization into three levels: the 
tribe. the town and the urban metropo- 


lis. He sees the urban metropolis as 
the characteristic form of social or 
n of our time. Most critics of urban 
culture have stressed the alienation 
1 deperonalization that characterizes 
existence our overly 
highly complex cities, but Сох takes а 
altogether different view of urban life. 
He sees it as characterized by anonymity 
and mobility. According to Cox, this 
means that the inhabitants of the secular 
у, his designation for the urban me- 
торой», auc free to choose their friends, 
their moral standards and their life styles 
hout undue concern for the censu 
or prejudice of neighbors and fellow 
townsmen. Cox identifies this freedom as 
equivalent to the freedom of the Gospel 
promised by Christ. He sees the restric- 
tions and prejudices of the small town as 
akin to the restrictions of the law from 
which Jesus came to liberate men. Cox is 
so enthusiastic about the conte 
urban metropolis that he identifics 


with the realization of the Kingdom of 
God. He acknowledges the hu 
wreckage of the secular city, but he re- 
gards such phenomena as transitory. He 
calls upon us to embrace and celebrate 
the joys and promises of the freedom of 
the secular city. Few Protestant theolo- 
yia € ever been as optimistic as Cox 
Contemporary Protestant rad 
ard the loss of the 
primarily as gain. I sce it prima 
los. Here in, the dialog between 
Jewish and Christian radical theologians 
finds us united on the fact of the death. 
of God, but separated on its meaning, 
The reasons for this are very old. They 
are part and parcel of the deepest 
differences between Judaism and Chris 
tianity. Originally, Chi 
movement of Jews who believed that the 
promised and long-awaited Messiah of 
:| had come in the person of Jesus. 

(continued on page 74) 


al theo 


sacred 


anity was а 


Isra 


Beach boy favors an Acrilan knit crew-neck pullover, by Ram, 
$15, and double nylon taffeta swim trunks, by Sandcomber, $7. 


attire By ROBERT L. GREEN new-wave swimwear for smart sons of beaches 


Below: Sand mon backing up his 
favorite surf sprite likes stretch nylon swim 
trunks, by Laguna, $7. Our chap at 
right cools it while wearing a poorboy-ribbed 
cotton knit pullover, $3.50, cotton 
and rubber stretch knit long trunks, 
$10, both by Jantzen, and a Western 
colton denim hat, by Catalina. $5. 


THE CUT OF THIS SUMMER's seaside silhouette is stylishly 
simple. The regimented look of competition stripes on 
trunks and jackets as well as last year's baggy beach- 
boy-inspired jams are being deepsixed. Coming ashore 
are plenty of bold new offerings, including slim-cut, low- 
rise nylon swim suits that couple nicely with colorful 
beach tops, thereby creating a mixed—not matched— 
ensemble. Trunks are available in brilliant-colored ove; 
all patterns, strong tiki and pareu prints and lively 
solid shades. If you want to add extra spice to your ward- 
robe, pick up a pair of wide-wale corduroy beach shorts 
in the hot new chili color. Pullovers to check out include 
cotton knit sweaters that feature geometric patterns or 
stripes in sun-drenched yellow, fire orange and terra cotta, 
and terry styles woven in bold, balanced designs. It's 
also a shore-gone conclusion that sleeveless sea vests will 
be worn in surf and on strand. Last, cap your new collec- 
tion of waterside wearables with a cowboy or Daktari- 
type hat—it's the perfect way to top off the season. 


Left: Swain settles down beside the she side after donning a 
poorboy-ribbed Orlon knit crew-neck pullover, by McGregor, 
$16, cotton and rayon trunks with tricot lining, by Catalina, $8. 


Above: Stalwart gent gets warm shoulder while sporting a cot- 
ton terry velour pullover, by Silton, $25, and double nylon taf- 
feta swim trunks, by Sandcomber, $7. Underwater hero has on 
pareu-print nylon surfer trunks, by Catalina, $7. Seabound 
swinger tops off his day in a cotton knit boat-neck pullover 
with three-quarter-length push-up sleeves, by Ernst, $7, and 
wide-wale cotton corduroy tapered shorts that come with 
vinyl belt plus square brass buckle, by McGregor, $12.50. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY OON ORNITZ 


= 


PLAYBO 


74 


JUDAISM 


Both the ancient Jews and the earliest 
Christians were convinced that the 
coming of the Messiah would be “good 
news,” that it would make a decisive 
difference in the human condition. Some 
Jews believed that the coming of the 
Messiah would put an end to Puael's 
harsh lot under the Romans; others were 
convinced that the restrictions of the To- 
rah would be modified; still others be- 
lieved that the coming of the Messi 
would usher in the resurrection of the 
dead. Death would be swallowed up in 


(continued from page 70) 


victory and God would wipe away all 
tears and sadness. 
The earliest Cl were sepa- 


rated from their fellow Jews only by the 
conviction that the Messiah had come. 
АП Jews t him. 
The Christians joyfully proclaimed. his 
coming. Christianitys oldest claim was 
that the coming of the Christ repre- 
sented a new and happier beginning, a 


radical change in man's tragic and bro- 
ken condition. Christianity fundamen- 


tal message was one of hope that the 
tragic necessities of nature amd history 
could be overcome. The response of 
those Jews who could not accept Jesus 
as the Messiah was that nothing new 
had happened, that the old world contin- 
ued in its way as it had yesterday and 
ild tomorrow. The Gospel offers the 
“good news" of a new beginning. Chris- 
tian death-ofGod theologians are faith- 
ful to that promise. They see the loss of 
God as a new beginning. Hamilton has 
written in Christianity and Crisis that he 
has по God but he does belie 
Messiah. I am left without hope in a 
world without God. Like my predeces 
sors 2000 years ago. 1 sec no new begin- 
nings. The 20th Century has been one of 
the bloodiest and most violent of all cen- 
turies, especially for Jews. Though all of 
us enjoy the fruits of contemporary tech- 
nology, technology creates as тапу 
human problems as it solves. 

In contrast to the optimism of my 
Protestant colleagues, І am moved by 
what can best be described as the tragic 
ilion has explicitly rejected 
the tragic dimension in the book he has 
written with Altizer, Radical Theology 
and the Death of God. Here the authors 
assert that the death of God involves the 
death of tragedy. They reject the despair 
and alienation of our time and call foi 
new mood of optimism concerning man 
and what he can accomplish. I cannot 
concur. If God is lost, human existence is 
without ultimate hope. AII we have left is 
c vision that asserts that all things 
human must perish, though what is lost 


w 


vision. Н. 


is of irreplaceable value, The tragic 
sense is пос unrelieved. despair. It is a 
severely honest and undeceived vision of 


the human condition; it is an ennobling 


vision. Those who hold to it have never 


lost their conviction of the worth of what 
must inevitably perish. 

"There has been too little sense of the. 
tragic in American culture. We have 
been too success oriented. We cannot let 
go of the myth that things are destined 
to get better and better. Things are not 
necessarily going to get worse and 
worse, but we do pay for whatever im- 
provements we get. And the payment for 
life is ultimately its disappearance. in 
death. We are bracketed hopelessly be- 
tween two oblivions. So be it. 1 would 
that it were otherwise, but I shall make 
the most of the only life I shall ever 
have. If any hope ins within me, it 
that when my life is over, I shall 
honestly be able to say to myself, “I 
know its finished, but I'd repeat it in 
exactly the same way for all eternity if I 
could.” I hope for nothing save the 
capacity to accept my life as uniquely 


philosopher Friedrich 
Nieusche called the desire to repeat 
one's life exactly as it had been “eternal 
." Almost a hundred years 
ago, he proclaimed the death of God. He 


a prophet who knew hi е had 
not come, Like Sören Kierkegaard and 
Herman Melville, Nietzsche is better un- 


dersiood in the 20th Century than in his 
own time, Per erary work has 
moved borh Jewish and Christian radical 


theologians as deeply as the chapter in 
1 Gay 


The entitled 


Mad- 


Science 
Nietzsche's 
п prodaims the death of God and 
cemer several churches to offer his 
Requiem aeternam deo. In а moment of 
prophetic insight, the Madman tells his 
listenérs: 


tzsche’s 


"I come wo early... . I am not 
yet at the right time. This prodigious 
event is still on its way, and is travel- 
ing. it has not yet reached men's ew 
ng and thunder need time, 
ht of the stars needs time, 
deeds need time, even after they are 
done, to be seen and heard. This 
deed is as yet further from them t 
the furthest star, and yet they have 
done it themselves!” 


All radical theologians are convinced 
that the time prophesied by Nietzsche's 
Madman has come upon us. 

What does the death of God 
for the average man? That question 
agonized another 19th Century prophet, 
Fyodor Dostoievsky. In The Brothers 
Karamazov, he asks what, if anything, 
remains of morality if there is no God. 
Ivan Karamazov declares. “If God does 
not exist, then everything is permitted. 
If Ivan is correct, without God no crime 
—includ Ulti- 
as the 


mean 


ng parricide—is forbidde 
mately, the freedom Ivan intu 
terrible fruit of the death of God drives 
him mad, as it did Nietzsche 


In an era of death camps, nudea 
weapons and overpopulation, can w 
ford to say, “If God is dead, all things 
are permitted”? No theological move 
ment in the 20th Century has aroused as 
much interest, anger and concern as 
has death-of-God theology. Even thieve: 
need a set of objective norms to govern 
conduct. Death-of-God theology arouses 
the fear that there are no rules, there 
no behavioral norms, that all that re- 
mains is for cach individual to get away 
with what he can. People who react vio- 
lently to death-of-God theology are not 
in reality defending God; they are de- 
fending themselves against the terrible 
fear that their entire moral universe will 
fall apart. 

Of all the radical Christian theolo- 
ns, none has proclaimed the gospel that 
everything is permissible as insistently as 
Aluzer. This does not mean that 
f гет favors crime or unbridled license. 
Aluzer is faithful to а very ancient and. 
honorable Christian tradition. He be 
leves. that before the death of the 
Christ. God was the supreme master of 
all men. The relationship between man 
and God was uneven, All power lay with 
God. As a result, man was little more 
than a servant of a very arbitrary master 
God, however, proved to be more than a 
capricious tyrant. According to Ahize 
He emptied Himself of His own being 
for the sake of mankind. Altizer m 
tains that man cannot be free as long as 
he is confronted by a living God. God. 
therefore made the supreme sacrifice on 
the cross. With the death of God, n 
became totally free for the first time. 
Mankind no longer confronted by a 
wmaker or by a set of laws. Man and 
man alone must decide what is right and 
appropriate for his destiny. With good 
reason, Altizer is not sure that men will 
have the strength to accept this awesome 
freedom. He calls upon men to “will the 
death of God." That 15 his. theological 
way of bidding men to accept the chal 
lenge of their freedom. Mankind's total 
freedom is God’s greatest gilt, offered to 
man at the cost of God's very existence 
Christ came to give man freedom. г 
Aluizer, that freedom is absolute. 

As a Jewish theologian, I cannot con- 
cur. The deepest affirmation of Judaism 
is that men cannot do without a set of 
orms to govern and give strucne lo 
s. Judaism is the religion ol the 
- The Torah is basically a set of 
norms for the conduct of life. Altizer fol- 
a very old tradition in seeing rel 
us norms as an impediment to human 
freedom. I follow an even older tradition 
in seeing these guidelines as making 
realistic freedom possible. If we live in 
the time of the death of God, we need 
suucture, order and tradition ever 
than we did before. I see such structure 
embodied in Biblical and г i 
dom. Having lost God, Christian radic 

icontinued on page 130) 


lows 


оге 


nic wi 


“I understand it's one of the most exclusive 
beach clubs in the Caribbean.” 


76 


WOOD CARVING BY BILL BRYAN 


RECENTLY, police activity began to impinge upon my own life. I live in San Francisco's Negro district, and I could 
see about me a noticeable increase—prowl cars were more evident at all times. On weekend nights they seemed 
to be everywhere, stopping and questioning many more people than formerly. 

An art gallery was raided and welded sculpture illustrating the Kama Sutra was confiscated. This was entirely 
a police action without prior civilian complaint. The police lost the case. Student parties in San Francisco's Haight 
Ashbury district were raided again and again and everyone was hauled off to jail. Even where the police claimed 
to have found evidence of marijuana, the cases were usually dismissed. In New York, a party of the Artists’ and 
Writers’ Protest Against the War in Vietnam, a group with no political affiliations, was raided without a warrant 
or complaint and several arrests were made. 

Friends of mine married to members of another race began to complain that they were frequently stopped by 
prow] cars and questioned when walking along the street in broad daylight with their spouses. After the Ginzburg 
decision, there was a noticeable increase throughout the country in police censorship. In San Francisco, bookshops 
were visited by police officers who told the proprietors, "Clean this place up or we'll take you in,” but who vouch- 
safed no information as to what books were, in fact, objectionable. 

Certain costumes seem to be an open invitation to police questioning—beards, dirty jeans, bare feet, especially 
on juveniles; but more common still, the uniform of the homosexual prostitute, the studbuster—T-shirt, leather 
jacket, tight jeans, heavy belt and boots. 1 began to get all sorts of complaints: A well-known jazz musician taking a 
breather between sets and talking to his white wife in front of a perfectly respectable jazz room was arrested, taken 
to the local station, held for two hours, insulted and then let go. Another driving with his wife was arrested for a 
minor traffic violation—failure to signal a right-hand turn—and taken to the station. 

No policeman had molested me in over 40 years. I drink only wine at dinner. Marijuana has no effect on me; 
I haven't smoked it since adolescence. I am a very safe driver. However subversive my opinions, 1 am an exemplary 
law-abiding citizen. But one night I parked my car in front of my own home, left my Negro secretary in the car and 
took my two daughters to the door. When I returned, the police, who obviously thought they were dealing with a 
racially mixed couple, had been questioning my secretary and, because they hadn't liked the tone of her voice, were 
writing a traffic ticket. 

In the next block, the same patrol had threatened a neighbor with arrest in a similar situation. A few blocks 
away, a Negro youth leader had an appointment for lunch with a police officer. On the way to the lunch he was 
rousted by that yery officer. A Negro high school boy acting in a school play with my daughter was stopped as he 
was walking home from rehearsal along a well-lighted business street, rousted and eventually forced to lie down on 
the sidewalk, but finally let go. 

All of this happened in my immediate neighborhood, to people known to me, in one month. Yet San Francisco's 


THE FUZZ 


despite new supreme court safeguards of our civil 


rights and liberties, police brutality prevails and the 


police mentality assumes guilt until proven innocent 


opinion By KENNETH REXROTH 


police force is unquestionably one of the most professional in the country, with an extremely active community- 
relations detail led by a dedicated officer, an enlightened chief, lectures and classes on civil liberties, race relations, 
youth problems, and like matters. Reports in the press and from friends in other cities of increasing petty police 
harassment were far more shocking. It was apparent that the heat was on—nationally. Why? 

What exactly is the heat and what turns it on? And why should it suddenly go on all over the country? 

I decided to write an article about it. Before I was through, hell broke loose. A young Negro boy was shot 
and killed in San Francisco for suspicious behavior and refusal to halt. Naturally, a race riot began—nowadays, 
"race riot" means a massive show of force by police and National Guard and indiscriminate firing at. Negroes, 
preferably Black Muslim mosques. As Dick Gregory has said, the only thing that saved the city from worse de- 
struction than Watts was the sympathetic demonstrations by white people—the coffin-bearing deathwatch at the 
city hall and the defiant parade from Haight-Ashburys new bohemia—whose participants were treated to а 
maximum display of brutality by policemen who, as a aid, “stunk of fear as they beat up girls, boys and 
college professors and dragged them into paddy wagons.” 

Next came the Sunset Suip—conclusive demonsuation that “whom the gods destroy, they first make mad." 
This Vietnam operation is very simply the attempt of the Organization-run night clubs along the Strip to use the 
Los Angeles police to turn back the clock and bring again the good old days of movie stars, gossip columnists, Elks 
and Shriners. Alas, Los Angeles is a rundown town and there will never be another Alla Nazimova or Garden 
of Allah—and never again the Strip with the Million Dollar Clip. So the kids—who have no place else to go and 
who spend good money, too, but only for honest entertainment—are subjected to a military operation on a scale 
seldom attempted in the Gongo. Since the election of Ronald Reagan, things have got very tough, not just in Cali- 
fornia, but all over. The neoconservative victories have been interpreted by the city police forces as а go-ahead sig 
nal for a nationwide campaign of censorship and harassment, for direct action by the police acting as cop, attorney, 
trial jury and judge. The police, in other words, are, after a few years of retreat, taking the law into their own hands 
far more aggressively than ever in the past 40 years. 

“If they can harass beatniks, they can harass all political dissent," say the civil libertarians. But the civil liber 
tarians are oldies—they don't know that beatniks went out in 1956 and what the cops are harassing is precisely 
political and moral dissent. 

In recent months there have been a number of magazine articles and serial newspaper features on "What's Wrong 
with the Police," and these have been answered in most cases by literate spokesmen for the police, not PR men, but 
working officers themselves, There's very little dialog. One side makes flat accusations, usually well documented, 
of police brutality, illegal entry or search, harassment, prejudice against the poor, racism, political reaction, third 
degree and other violations of the rights of those arrested. The other side simply denies that most of these things 


7 


PLAYBOY 


78 


exist and counters with the statement, 
"Policework a profession with very 
special problems that the layman cannot 
understand." 

Both sides isolate the problem and 
treat the police as though they were 
members of a self-contained  society— 

ate from the rest of us, like monks, 
nal soldiers or the inmates of 
ns and state hospitals. The problem 
is the functioning of the police as part of 
not apart from it. Essential to 
any understanding is the definition of 
the roles that the police perform in the 
society in fact and the different roles they 
are supposed to perform in theory—their 
own theories and those of their critics, 

The average policeman looks on him- 
self as an enforcer of the law and a 
guardian of public order and morality, 
an active protector of life and property. 
His critics say he should be an imperson- 
al, purely objective guardian of the law. 
‘The first function is custodial, like a 
steward in a psychopathic ward. The 
second, ideally, is impassive, almost 
mechanical—a sorting process. In fact, 
since the policeman must make split 
second decisions involving life and liberty, 
and most of the situations with which he 
deals are emergencies, he is, most espe- 
ly in the slums, policeman, judge, 
jury, prosecutor, defense attorney and 
executioner. The policeman lives in con- 
stant expectation of acute emergency. 
Therefore, he is simply not physiologi- 
cally "objecive"—one does not cope 
with armed assault "objectively." In ad- 
di when there are no emergencies, 
he certainly does act as neighborhood 
custodian, seeing to it that all his charges 
behave themselves—less obviously in a 
well-to-do suburb, very obviously indeed 
among the poor. It is especially this latter 
function that is a survival from an older 
society and it is the policeman's insistence 
on his role as moral enforcer that gets 
him into trouble. 

The following article recently ap- 
peared in the Berkeley Barb: 


POLICE RAID NUDE FEST 
“GANG BUSTERS” 

Berkeley police with flashbulbs 
blazing ran swiftly through a gath- 
ering of about 40 nude men and 
women last Saturday. They were 
investigating” possible lawbreak- 
ing at an East Bay Sexual Free- 
dom League pary. "It was like 
"Gang Busters,” EBSFL president 
Richard Thorne told Barb. “They 
came in very quickly and told us 
to hold it, stay where we were. 
and flashed cameras" The police 
searched the house and checked the 
1. D. of each guest. They stayed for 
about an hour, around midnight. 
"After I got dressed, I went to the 
ieutenant in charge and inquired 
t grounds the police were 
Thorne said. “The lieuten- 
ant said that someone had issued a 


on this 
Associates as follows: 


complaint which led them to 
pect that there was the possibility 
of contributing to the delinquency 
of minors. "Of what sort? I asked 
him. He said, 'Alcohol'" Thorne 
and several other witnesses described 
the police investigation. Desks, 
and clothes in closets 
ched. Ashtrays were ex- 
ined, Medicines were confiscated. 
Brown Filipino cigarettes меге 
pecled open. Guests who objected to 
showing their LD.s were given the 
choice of cooperating or being iden- 
d “at the station." At Barb press- 
rests had resulted from the 
investigation. One guest. who met a 
Hashbulb as he emerged from the 
bathroom, described his conversation 
with the plaindothesman who ap- 
parently admitted the other police: 
“I asked him what had happened to 
give them the right to enter and 
search without a warrant. 

"He asked, ‘Ате you a lawyer?" 

“I said, "No." 

“In that case, it's none of your 
business,” he s Witnesses. de- 
scribed the police demeanor as ini 
ually “rude,” “sarcastic,” “snide” and 
“up tight.” As the hour passed, they 
“settled down” and became “man- 
nerly” and “courteous,” guests said. 
About 20 partygoers remained after 
the police departed. “Clothes came 
off again at a rapid rate alter they 
left," one participant told Barb. “It 
was as if they wouldn't let the 
police intimidate them, and they 
wanted to release a pent-up rage. It 
became quite a party. A very fine, 
successful. party. 


Robert E. Kramer, M. D., comments 
his own Bulletin of Research 


"Following the publication of this 
article in the Barb, I took it upon 
myself to question one of the mem- 
bers of the Berkeley police force 
regarding the matter. Our conversa- 
tion was friendly and was пог 
confined to the police raid, although 
it covered the pertinent aspects. 
Pertinent portions of the interview 
were in sum and substance to this 
effect: 

INTERVIEWER: What happened at 
the nude party? 

POLICE OFFICER: Oh, we alleged 
that there were people below the 
age of 18 there, but there weren't. 

= Did you really believe that there 
was someone below the age of 18? 

к: No, we just used that as an 
excu: 
1 Well, what happened? 

р: We busted into the place and 
there were several couples actually 
fornicating. So, we took some 
pictures and left. 


What did you do with the 
pictures? 

r: Oh, they're fun to pass around 
for all the boys to look at down at 
the station, 

x Isn't that illegal? 

r: Well, 1 suppose so, but they were 
having a nude party. 

1: Didn't the attorney ger 
state of California specifically say 
that nude parties were legal? 

P: Oh, we know that there isn't any 
thing illegal going on, but we fecl 
that if you let this kind of thing 
happen, it's like opening Pandora's 
box. 

x ds the police department sup 
posed to prescribe morals? 

P: Somebody's got to. 

1 Doesn't the Constitution of ће 
United States specifically allow the. 
citizenry to determine its own 
morals? 

е: Well, you know how these things 
are. 

: Would you want the police bust 
ng into your home under these cir- 
cumstances? 

р: Well, I wouldn't be doing any- 
thing illegal. 

: Neither were they. 


This example, however comic, poses 
the dilemma: the contradiction between 
the police as officers of order and officers. 
of law. In the early days of the develop- 
ment of modern police forces, perhaps 
their primary function was the preserva- 
tion of social order and the enforcement 
of public morality. They dealt mostly 
with the poor who, however unruly, ac- 
cepted the same values. In a heteroge- 
neous society such as America was in the 
days of massive immigration, most of the 
work of a patrolman on the beat in Hell's 
Kitchen, the Lower East Side, Five 
Points, Back of the Yards was extra 
legal. He was not a law officer but a peace 
officer, and if he invoked the law to han- 
dle all violations of public order, he 
would have found himself hopelessly 
overwhelmed. Until recent years, the 
Paris police force still operated this way 
in almost all their day-to-day work. The 
vicious, the disorderly, the conspicuous 
violators of common morals, were simply 
taken up an alley and "coated" with a 
weighted cape or worked over with a 
truncheon and kicked out on the street, 
with a warning that if they were caught 
doing it again, they'd get worse. 

Vice (prostitution, gambling, marcot- 
ic), as distingui from crime, was 
"policed." Streetwalkers were protected 
on their stations from invasion by other 
whores or pimps and guarded against 
robbery or attack by their customers. 
This type of relationship—which was 
usually effective—was always advanced 
in private conversation by American po- 
licemen as an excuse for pay-off: “If you 
clout them, you control them." It still 

(continued on page 118) 


UKRIDGE STARTS A BANK ACCOUNT 


x ar 


EDWARD GOREY 


fiction By P. G. WODEHOUSE though you and à wouldn't be caught dead in a ditch 
with the average antique, there are, it appears, squads of half-wits who value them highly 


EXCEPT THAT he was quite well dressed 
and plainly prosperous, the man a yard 
or two ahead of me as I walked along 
Piccadilly looked exactly like my old 
friend Stanley Featherstonehaugh Uk- 
ridge, and I was musing on these odd 
resemblances and speculating idly as to 
what my little world would be like if 
there were two of him in it, when he 
stopped to peer into a tobacconist's win- 
dow and I saw that it was Ukridge. It 
was months since I had seen that bat- 
tered man of wrath, and though my 
guardian angel whispered to me that it 
would mean parting with a loan of five 
or even ten shillings if I made my 
presence known, I tapped him on the 
shoulder. 

Usually, if you tap Ukridge on the 
shoulder, he leaps at least six inches into 
the air, a guilty conscience making him 
feel that the worst has happened and his 
sins have found him out; but now he 


merely beamed, as if being tapped by 
me had made his day. 

“Corky, old horse!” he cried. “The 
very man I wanted to sec. Come in here 
while 1 buy one of those cigarette light- 
ers, and then you must have a bite of 
lunch with me. And when I say lunch, I 
don't mean the cup of coffee and roll 
and butter to which you are accustomed, 
but something more on the lines of a 
Babylonian orgy." 

We went into the shop and he paid for 
the lighter from a wallet stuffed with 
currency. 

“And now," he said, “that lunch of 
which 1 was speaking. The Ritz is 
handy.” 

It was perhaps tactless of me, but 
when we had scated ourselves and he 
had ordered spaciously I started to 
probe the mystery of this affluence of 
his. It occurred to me that he might have 
gone to live again with his aunt, the 
wealthy novelist Miss Julia Ukridge, and 


I asked him if this was so. He said it was 
not. 

"Then where did you get all that 
moncy?" 

"Honest work, laddie, or anyway I 
thought it was honest when I took it on. 
The pay was good. Ten pounds a week 
and no expenses, for, of course, Percy 
auended to the household bills. Every- 
thing I got was velvet.” 

“Who was Percy?” 

“My cmployer, and the job with 
which he entrusted me was selling an 
tique furniture. It came about through 
my meeting Stout, my aunt's butler, in a 
pub, and the advice I would give to 
every young man starting life is always 
go into pubs, for you never know wheth- 
er there won't be somcone there who can 
do you a bit of good. For some minutes 
after entering the place, I had been using 
all my eloquence and persuasiveness to 
induce Flossie, the barmaid, to chalk my 
refreshment (continued on page 136) 


79 


are we losing the dialog race? 

is world peafrip possible in our time? 
wither bomfag? franglais? japlish? 
is computerspeak the answer? 


who will win the war of etaoin shrdlu? 


A Little Chin Musie, Professor 


article By WILLIAM IVERSEN wett. men, it’s finally official. Science has confirmed what most of us 
have suspected all along—anyone with half a brain can carry on a conversation. And it doesn't matter which half 
of the old fig one uses, the left or the right. 

"Trumpeted as a major scientific discovery, the news has set the savants' tongues awagging from Omaha to 
Moscow. wo hundred astonished psychologists heard today how a patient with half his brain removed by 
surgery can still walk, talk, sing and do arithmetic,” a Reuters correspondent recently reported from the queen city 
of the Soviet Union. “Dr. Aaron Smith of the University of Nebraska College of Medicine showed the scientists 


hk 


COLLAGE BY RON BRAOFORO 


a film made five months after the 47-year-old patient, an American, had the left hemisphere of his brain removed." 

In case you missed it, the movie was premiered at the 18th International Congress of Psychologists, where 
Dr. Smith told his astonished colleagues that “ ‘the textbooks are wrong’ on how the brain works. 

According to the textbooks, the left hemisphere of the human brain controls most of the functions that make 
man superior to his brother animals. Without his left hemisphere, man would scarcely be able to match wits 
with a cuddly little hamster or hold his own in the company of a middlebrow moose. Or so science believed, until 
Dr. Smith's Omaha patient recovered from the removal of his left hemisphere and began to demonstrate his ability 
to play checkers, assemble blocks and sing all the verses of Home on the Range—a roster of accomplishments that 
would instantly stamp him as a man to be reckoned with in the social and intellectual circles in which I usually move. 

Most astounding, in the scientists’ view, was the patient's ability to verbalize, since the power of speech had 


81 


= 


PLAYBO 


82 


long been thought to be a function of 
the left side of the brain. Contrary to the. 
textbook rules, the  right-hemisphered 
Omaha man said his first words almost 
immediately after surgery—“he would 
curse when he tried to say something and 
was unable to." But curse words, Dr. 
Smith explained, “express a feeling, not 
an idea. Communicating thoughts is 
much more difficult.” 

Just ten weeks after surgery, however, 
“a nurse inadvertently asked the patient, 
‘Did you have a BM today?’ The ра 
tient replied, ‘What does BM mean? ™ 
And in so doing, hc communicated a 
thought -using only the right half of his 
brain 

The nurse’s response to this epoch 
making inquiry has not, as yet, becn 
made a matter of public record. But, as 
historic words, the dialog was about as 
high-line and memorable as most of the 
other quotable quotes that Americans 

ve been known to utter on occasions 
of great scien 


toric 
wrought?”—the 


expressions is God 
reverential little one- 
B. Morse used to 
telegraph line between 
ngton and Baltimore, in 1844. But 
mesage was delivered in code, 


It was not a spoken si 
ry is curiously silent as to the reply made 
by the telegrapher at the other end. 
Considering the time-honored American 
tendency to lay а large verbal egg on 
such occasions, it was probably some- 
thing hopelessly anticlimactic, such as 
“What does wrought mean?” or “Please 
wire 300 dams at once, Will explain 
when arrive Washington. Fred. 

Ji was while messing around with the 
problem of recording Morse code on суі 
aders that Thomas Edison hit upon the 
dea of recording the human voice. The 
result was the world’s first "talking ma- 
n invention whose cultural and 
commercial importance can hardly be 
measured in terms of dollars, usefulness 
or delight. But what were the first his- 
toric words to emanate from the speaker 
horn when the Wizard of Menlo Park 
presented his miraculous new machine to 
the public, in 18772 Cup one hand loose 
ly over your mouth and repeat the fol. 
lowing. Slowly, and in your very best 
Mickey Mouse voice: 

“How are you? . . . Do you like the 
phonograph? . . . 1 am very мей... 
Mary had а little lamb . . 

"Though Edison's material was not the 
sort of boffo stuff you and J might have 
chosen as appropriate for the first golden 
oldie on the all-time platter parade, it 
was at least on а par with the world’s 

rst telephone call—a strictly local, 
тоотло room hookup between Alexan- 
der Graham Bell and Thomas Watson, 
which took place on the wondrous night 
of March 10, 1876. 


To capture the full beauty of this one, 
loosely muffle your mouth as before and. 
ching to your most dramatic and 
tension-fraught Don Ameche voice, re- 
cie after me: 

“Mr. Watson, come here! I want you 

Good! That was a take—the world's 
first telephone call! 

To round out the scene, we dolly in 
for a tight shot of page 128 of Helen Е. 
Waite’s authorized biography of Bell, 
Make a Joyful Sound, and pick up Tom 
Watson's reaction upon hearing Alec 
Bell's voice at the other end of the line: 

“Tom dropped the receiver and flung 
himself out of the room, yelling, ‘I heard 
you, Mr. Bell! I hcard you! You asked 
me to come! What—what is it? 

“Alec had spilled some of the sulphu- 
ic acid from the cup on his trousers, but 
the fact went completely out of his mind 
when Thomas Watson's words made 
their glorious impact. The telephone had 
spoken! It had spoken. 

“They stared unbelievingly, first at the 
wonderful transmitter and then at each 
other. Then, half laughing, half crying, 
they tested the telephone over and over. 
There was no mistake, no disappoint- 

nent. Their words came beautifully clear. 

“Finally, when they could think of no 
more intelli, 
other, they Бера 
three-four.' ” 

There have been times, I am sure, 
when most of us have participated 
phone calls of an equally chaotic nature. 
Substitute a few double bourbons for 
Alec Bell's cup of sulphuric acid, and the 
scene is one that might take place in 
Home Town, U. S. A. пу night in the 
week, But isn’t tbe kind of call wc 


messages to call each 
to recite, 'Onc-two- 


ordinary phone subscribers would want 
to have singled out for special mention 
n our authorized biographies. Lacking 


greatness, we just hang up and say the 
hell with it. 

Bell was made of sterner stuff. Having 
goofed in the memorable-words depart- 
ment in 1876, he was given a second 
chance to say something remarkable for 
posterity, 39 years later, when he picked 
up the receiver t0 make the world’s 
first transcontinental phone call, in 1915. 
This time, Bell was in New York and 
Thomas Watson 
In a diplomatic attempt to upgrade 
the phone company's image and to pre- 
vent the great inventor from falling flat 
on his verbal kisser a second 
phone-company officials wrote 
appropriate messages for Dr. Bell to use, 
but he waved them all aside, He had de- 
ed upon his own, he informed them, 
and with everyone crowding breathlessly 
around, the father of the tclephonc took 
his place and waited for the 
When it came, he raised his voice: 
hoy. Mr. Watson! Mr. Watson, 
here, I want you!” 


was 


Bell's biographer refrains from de 
scribing the groaning and whimpering 
that must have broken out among the 
publicrelations-conscious phone exec. 
For all his inventive genius, their boy 
Alec had blown the whole bit again 
this time with a hoy, hoy! For genera 
tions to come, historians, subscribers and 
school children would be left wi 


h only 


one impression, and а rather question- 
able one at that: Alexander Graham Bell 
wanted Thomas Watson, But badly. 


In justice to Bell, however, we have 
no right to criticize his choice without 
first having read the suggestions submit- 
ted by the phone company. А g 
your local directory should be enough to 
indicate that the phone company 
of a memorable phrase is apt to be some- 
thing like "Let your fingers do the walk- 
ing" or "Wait for the dial tone." When 
American Telephone and Telegraph 
prexy Walter 5. Gifford got on the line to 
make the world’s first transatlantic phone 
call, in 1997, he handily managed to elude 
both nd eloquence with— 
would you believe “Hello, London"? 

Continuing in what had by now be 
come a grand old telephonecompany 
tradition, engineers William C. Jakes 
and Walter К. Vicor inaugurated the 
age of space comm ons, in Au- 
gust 1960, with a twoway conversation 
via the moon's surface that 
the most underwhelming histori 
changes in the humdrum pa 
man. “There were some unexciting 
words bounced off the cooperative moon 
last week,” Robert С. Toth chronicled in 
the now sadly defunct New York Herald 
Tribune, "but they made history as the 
first two-way conversation by w 

"ені, Walt, can you hear те 
the engineer on а rainsoaked hilltop at 
Holmdel, New Jersey. Almost six seconds 
later, from the 100degree desert at 
Goldstone, California, came the an 
swering "Yes, yes, you're coi 1 fü 

“And over this long-long- 
nection, much of the talk was about the 
weather," Mr. Toth reported. "It seems 
almost as hot here,” William C. Jakes sent 
back from the Bell Telephone Labora- 
tories here. “And the humidity is terrible.’ 
rhe sky is clear and very blue here,” 
said Walter К. Victor at the Jet Propul 
sion Laboratories in California, "Iis a 
beautiful moon coming up at about ten 
degrees on the eastern horizon 

Fortunately, someone put on a record- 
ing of America the Beautiful, so Walt 
and Bill were never reduced to rec 
nursery rhymes or mumbling consecutive 
numbers. But, according to Mr. Toth, 
newsmen were "a little disappointed a 
the pedestrian words of Bill and Walt 
which made the historic connection.” 

"The newsmen's sense of letdown wa 
of course, understandable, But 


on the 


basis of past performance, the journalis 


tic fı 


y had no right to complain 
(continued on page 144) 


BERNARD MCDDNALD 


fiction By HENRY SLESAR һослзн was veav, and Riley as good as, and Sergeant Harran was someplace in the 
cornfield with a bullet-shattered leg, so Private Tommy Dowd was alone with the decision to either attempt to rejoin 
his company or surrender. He was relieved when the tall sheaves began sprouting the gray-green uniforms of the 
enemy, and his only option was to discard the carbine and put his hands into the air. He was 20 years old, and the 
four-man patrol mission had been his first serious combat exercise. It had enced badly, but at least it had ended. 

The enemy troopers didn't talk much when they marched Tommy back to their lines. Their faces under the 
helmet liners were ordinary faces, homogenized out of all racial differences by dust and fatigue. He had heard the 
tent-and-barrack rumors about prisoner treatment, ranging from outright torture to insidious indoctrination, but 
the indifferent faces of his captors calmed his apprehensions, They didn't care; why should he? 

The march took three hours, but the sun was setting and the evening turning cool. He was in a truck by night- 
fall, with a handful of sullen prisoners. By morning, they were at the prison stockade, stripped, deloused, bathed 
and into their prison uniforms. Tommy's fit. It fit very well, better than his Army clothes. When he was summoned 
for interrogation, he patted the smooth gray twill on his hips and went half smiling into the presence of the camp's 
commanding officer. Maybe it was the smile that brought an answering curve to the lips of the silky-bearded 
colonel behind the desk. 

“According to the rules of the Geneva convention,” the officer said pleasantly, “you don't have to tell me any- 
thing but your name, rank and serial number. We already have those from your dog tags, so in truth, the only pur- 
pose of this meeting is to let you know who I am, and tell you that 1 expect you to obey our camp regulations. 
Understand?” 

Tommy swallowed his answer—it was going to be “Yes, sir'—and merely nodded. 

“How old are you, son?” the colonel said, and his smile became engaging. “You don't have to volunteer that 
information, either." 

"Tommy told him, and the officer looked saddened. 

"You were a child when the war started," he said. "I'm sure your mother hoped (continued on page 112) 


nature lovely heather ryan boasts a pet ocelot, 


a brace of dobermans and a penchant 


for the untamed side of life 


Gracefully combining three personalities in one package, Heather Ryan prepares for her 
business and law courses at Glendale College (top right), is o reclining femme fatale, and 
slips a wig on a bald-pated mannequin before aiding a customer at the Jay Ross dress shop. 


“We THAT cors TO LAW holds a wolf by 
the ear,” wrote a cynical Britisher of the 
17th Century; but his imagery would 
only provoke laughter from honey-haired 
Heather Ryan, who is equally at ease 
poring over volumes of legal history or 
sprinting through California's Chevy 
Chase Canyon at night, with an ocelot 
and a pair of Doberman pinschers as her 
escorts. “I have a passion for anything 
that’s wild,” declares the 20-yearold Ken- 
tucky native, who currently resides at her 
familys Glendale home, on the brink of 
the canyon: "It's pretty desolate out there, 
but were lucky that we have no dose 
neighbors, because the ocelot often 
screams at night." When Heather takes to 
the hills of an afternoon, she usually 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY WILLIAM V. 


carries a book of the Kon-Tiki and 
Seven Pillars of Wisdom ilk. “I am," she 
says, “fascinated by adventure, and I sup- 
pose it pervades most of my tastes. I like 
actors like Paul Newman, Charlton Hes- 
ton and Steve McQueen, because they 
usually portray men who are as untamed 
as my ocelot.” And while Miss July pre 
fers rugged outdoorsmen, she dotes only 
оп dates who are also possessed of keen 
intellects. “My perfect man would be 
someone like Lawrence of Arabia—with- 
‘out the hang-ups,” she says. Heather will 
soon be entering her sophomore year at 
Glendale College, after which she expects 
to complete her undergraduate studies 
in law at UCLA. But Miss July—who 
has worked for an insurance firm, an 


FIGGE AND ED DELONG 


industrial supply company and is pres 
ently on the payroll of the Jay Ross 


dress shop in Glendale—dreams of 
modeling and is by no means commiticd 
to the advocate’s vocation: “I’m really 
too emotional; and if I were a divorce- 
court lawyer. I'd always side with the 
men.” When she’s not using her spare 
time to figure out her future, Heather 
enjoys tussling in the canyon with her 
exotic pets (“It beats just sitting around, 
which is what 99 percent of American 
omen do”), thereby keeping herself in 
exemplary shape (3614-2035). Speed- 


loving Heather admits to driving her 1966 
Mustang faster on occasion than the law 
prescribes, She's a frequent visitor to 
Sacramento, where—after visiting with 
her grandparents—she takes in the mo- 
torcycle races ("I've logged a few miles 
myself, but the big bikes are just too 
much for me to control"). "Though she 
hasn't had much exposure to the psy- 
chedelics-freedom-love movement cur- 
rently the kick among West Coast youth, 
Heather recently witnessed a mass "love- 
in" at Elysian Park: "I'd never seen such 
a crew—everybody walking about and 


presenting the most unlikely gifts 
fruits and flowers, to cach other.” Heather 
isn't fond of densely populated scen 
however, and prefers the openair soli- 
tude of the desert—where she occasion 
ally motors to hunt rabbits and quail—or 
the seashore at Palos Verdes or Laguna, 
where she delights in skindiving or 
just relaxing on the surfsoaked rocks: 
"Coastal rock formations turn me on 
somehow, and I feel at home when I'm 
surrounded by them.” We agree; and 
our latest centerfold theme is, indecd, 
Heather on the rocks. 


An ocelot, explains Webster's, is "a large American spotted cat (Felis pardalis) ranging from Texas ta Patagonia"—but Heather's leopord- 
like mascot ranges no farther ofield than she permits. A lifetime fancier of all felines (her enthusiasm far a cat show in Hollywaod inspired 
her family ta purchase the ocelot), Heather allows her cat ta exercise himself by climbing о tree in the Ryan back yard (opposite page). 
Says Heather, “1 don't think there's anything unusual about owning on acelat, but peaple always stare when we ga walking tagether.” 


El 
= 


Heather becomes fourth “man” in o game cf touch foatball that unexpectedly takes place in front af the Ryan home in 
Glendale. After her blond-haired 16-year-old brother, Kerry, gives her same pigskin pointers, Heather huddles with girlfriend, 
plays center, then quarterback, completing several long-yardage tosses—ct which point the gollantry ends and a red-degging poss 
rush begins. "Ит c rabid Los Angeles Roms fan,” soys Heather. “But Im certcinly na Raman Gabriel in the passing deportment.'" 


PLAY BOY’S PARTY JOKES 


The policeman was walking his beat when he 
saw two men fighting and a little boy standing 
alongside them crying, “Daddy, Daddy!” 

The officer pulled the two men apart and, 
turning to the boy, asked, “Which one is your 
father, lad?” 

"I don’t know,” the boy said, rubbing the 
tears from his eyes “Thats what they're 
fighting about!” 


After a round of golf, two men were changing 
their clothes in the country-dub locker room. 
One of the men started putting on a girdle and 
the other, quite astonished, said, “Since when 
did you start wearing that thing?” 

Shaking his head resignedly. the first man 
replied, "Ever since my wife found it in the 
glove compartment of our car.” 


We've heard of a persistent suitor who spent 
so much money on a girl over a two-year period 
that he finally married her for his money. 


Our Unabashed загу defines gold dig- 
ger as a fund-loving girl. 


The 55-year-old woman went to her doctor and 
asked for a prescription for birth-control pills. 
“But you don’t need them at your age,” he 
said. She went on to explain that she had tried 
some recently and now found that she couldn't. 
sleep without them, “But birth-control pills 
have no tranquilizing agent in them," the 
doctor informed her. 

"Well, I don't know what they have or what 
they don't have in them, but I give them to my 
daughter before she goes out each night, and 
Im telling you, doctor, I sleep much, much 
better.” 


Our Unabashed Dictionary defines alimony 
as the high cost of leaving. 


The doting father came home one night and 
was shocked to find his daughter and her 
friends smoking marijuana. Pulling the stick of 
pot out of the girl's mouth, he exclaimed, 
"What's a joint like this doing in a nice girl 
like you?" 


On, darling,” she purred, turning over in bed, 
"Ilove you in the worst way. 

“I know," he replied, "but maybe you'll get 
better if we keep practicing!” 


King Arthur, going on a two-year dragon- 
hunting expedition, ordered Merlin the Wise 
to make a chastity belt for Guinevere to wear 
while he was away. Merlin came up with a 
very unorthodox design—one that had a large, 
gaping aperture in the area that would normal 
ly be most strongly fortified. 

“That's absurd,” said Arthur. "It's not func 
tional.” 

“Yes it is," said Merlin. Picking up a spare 
magic wand, he pase it through the opening 
Instantly, а guillotinelike blade came down 
and chopped the wand in two, 

“Ingenious!” cried Arthur. After outfitting 
Guinevere with the belt, he rode off to slay 
dragons, his mind at peace. 

Two years later, when Arthur came back, 
his first official act was to assemble all thc 
Knights of the Round Table and send them to 
the court physician for a special "inspection." 
His frown grew severe as he learned that 
every member of the Round Table was nicked, 
cut or scratched. All but one. Sir Lancelot was 
impeccable. Arthur called for him immediately 
and smiled at his best knight. 

"Sir Lancelot,” he declared, "you arc the 
only one of my knights who did not assail the 
chastity of my lady Guinevere while I was off 
slaying yon dragons. You have upheld the hon- 
or of the Round Table, and I am proud of you. 
You shall be rewarded. You may have any- 
thing in the kingdom you desire. You have but 
to name it, State your wish, Sir Lancelot!” 

But Sir Lancelot was speechless. 


The college dean phoned a student's father at 
home and told him that he had some good and 
some bad news about his son. “Tell me the bad 
news first,” said the father. 

"Your son's a hopeless homosexual,” replied 
the dean. 

"How awful," said the dismayed father. “But 
what's the good news?" 

‘The dean confided, “He has just been elected 
Queen of the May.” 


Heard а good one lately? Send it on a post- 
card to Party Jokes Editor, PLAYBOY, Playboy 
Building, 919 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, 
Ill. 60611, and earn $50 for each joke used. 
In case of duplicates, payment is made for 
first card received. Jokes cannot be returned. 


“There's a pink-breasted bird of paradise, 
а pearly-bottomed chickadee, two round-bellied 
warblers and a great-horny night owl!” 


93 


PORTING ACCESSORIES FOR CAR AND DRIVER 
a garageful of gear for the wheel behind the wheel 
mRERWALTIGENDER DOPPELSIEG: 
(ВЕНЕР 2 


For the guy on the go. Above, top row, left to right: Assortment of washable jacket patches, $1 each, and metal London Motor Club 
auto badge, $3.95, all from Accessories Unlimited. Chrome-finished door handles that fit most cors, $6.95 pair, U.S.A, international 
plate of corrosion-resistant plastic, $2.95, and pair of “Sportivo” Itolian-knit driving gloves with double leather palms, $10.45, all from 
Vilém B. Haan. Imported English key fobs, from Accessories Unlimited, $1.50 each. Mchogany-rimmed 13” steering wheel, by Butler of 
England, fits most cars, from V. Haan, $44.95. Jim Clark kangarooskin driving gloves with elastic side panels, from V. Haan, $10.95. 
Middle row, left to right: Combination seat belt and shoulder harness, from M. G. Mitten, $12.95. AM/FM cor radio is portable, 
battery included, by Sony, $65.95. Maserati air horn of corrosion-resistant plastic, from V. Hoan, $12.95. Wood-trimmed steering-wheel- 
shaped oshtray, from M. G. Mitten, $5.95. Chinrester pipe designed to be smoked while driving, by Kaywoodie, $10. Airguide three- 
woy oil-pressure, ammeter ond temperature gauge, from J. C. Whitney, $26. Dowidat metric socket set (6mm—17mm) of chrome-vanadium 
steel, from Accessories Unlimited, $35. Bottom row, left to right: Amco walnut shift knobs, from M. С. Mitten, $3.75 eoch. Mennen 
Mile-o-Graph mileage measurer, from J. C. Whitney, $2.25. Ашама wrist chronograph, $119.50, shown with optional stainless-steel 
band, $15, both by Hever. Mercury compass with floating dial, from M. G. Mitten, $8.95. Ray-Ban Olympian 1 sunglasses, by Bausch 
& Lomb, $19.95. Trueline grade-ond-tilt indicator warns driver whenever vehicle is in donger of tipping over, from J. C. Whitney, $8.75. 
Ai right, on shelf, left to right: Wicker picnic hamper comes with utensils, vacuum bottles and dishes, from Abercrombie & Fitch, $20. 
Wool driving cap, from Beacon’s, $4. Carolla 12volt driving lamp, $16.25, with red cover shown at right, $19.75, both from Accessories 
Unlimited. Vinyl headrest, from М. С. Mitten, $14.95. Cowhide map case, from Chas. T. Wilt, $6. Carolla 12-volt fog lamp, from 
Accessories Unlimited, $16.25. Tool kit in leather case, by Dynamic Classics, $14.95. Eight-track stereo cartridge tape player, by Borg 
Warner, $129.95. Saf-Gard stereo speaker heodrest connects to any stereo tape deck, by Pacific International Plostics, $19.95 pair. 
Chrome-plated center console, from J. C. Whitney, $19.50. Moserati dual air horn of corrosion-resistant plastic, from V. Haan, $19.95. 
Hanging from shelf, left to right: Towrope of braided polyethylene, $7.95, leather-covered 13” steering wheel, by Butler of England, 
$45, and chrome Flexi-light that plugs into cigarette lighter, $10.95, all from V. Haan. Bottom, left to right: Surfboard carrier, from 
M. ©. Mitten, $14.95, Chrome-plated Astro custom wheel, from J. C. Whitney, $35. Space Saver Spare with inflater, by B. Р. Goodrich, 
abour $35. Amco detachable luggage rack, from V. Haan, $22.95. Men's three-suiter aluminum cose, by Halliburton, $112. Our ultimate 
ovtomotive accessory sports a men’s competition-striped соноп-гауоп jecket, by DeWan, $17.95. Fibergloss helmet, from V. Haan, $38.50. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY J, BARRY O'ROURKE 


.1 No wonder the hills are alive with the sound of music.” 


“Well .. 


96 


mad ave puts hard-sell sizzle into “oedipus rex” and other slow-moving highbrow commodities 


Th 


AGENCY Vr: OK, gang, here at 
B. B. Y. & R. we've lived through a lot of 
changes that have rocked the ad dodge. 
We saw B.O. come, we saw it go. We 
outlived the quiz scandals. We know 
where the yellow went. Westerns are out, 
monsters are dying—heh-heh—and the 
tigers are getting just a little bit mangy. 
But the think people tell us chat culture 
is in. 1 know you're all wondering: How 
do we field this one? Our client, Cultur- 
чоп Чу to sell all kinds 
of highbrow goodies to a mass audience. 
Now, how do we grab Joe Public and hit 
his hot button? How? Here's our first 
commercial for legitimate theater. 

(Spot on AGENCY У.Р. goes off, new spot 

hils FIRST ANNOUNCER.) 
FIRST ANNOUNCER (voice dripping with 
oil, very fast pace): Good morning, Ia- 
dies! We have an exciting speci 
for everyone listening—and a specia 
that TH tell you about at the end of this 
announcement. Many of you ladies have 
been saying to yoursclyes, "My mind is а 
trash pit. There’s nothing It’s emp- 
ty. Not doing the job it should. If 1 could 
just get something worth while in my 
head, I'd notice an immediate improve- 
ment around the house.” 

Well, ladies, here's your chance! This 
morning, for the first „апа for a lim- 
ited time only, you can have the delight 

nd satisfaction that comes from being 
able to quote the lines you'll hear at a 
specially priced. performance of. Oedipus 
Rex. That's ht, ladies, you'll thrill to 
the golden words of the ancient Greek 
playwright, whose name we cannot di 
dose because of the low, low admission 
cost of this performance only. 

You'll sce kings and queens bi 
in their own special ways. You'll thrill to 
the problems of a royal household. You'll 
«ry at a son's devotion to his mother. 
You'll sec an offstage self-inflicted muti- 
lation—the first in theatrical histor 

Yes, ladies, all this and morc. Е 


s is poised, п 


you get this authentic Greck drama, by 
our famous unnamed playwright—for 
the single admission price of only $4.98, 


1. For 
steners to place a call, we 


two for $10.50—but that’s not 
the first 10 


have a special gift, absolutely free: With 
your tickets to this uplifting Greek dra 
ma, we have a genuine threedimensional 


dramatic mask suitable 
ng. with the lips up, 
or lips down—your choice. 
‘These are three-dimensioi masks made 
of new, washable, lifelike plastic that 
looks and feels like costly beaverboard. 
‘These masks are fireproof and nontoxic if 
swallowed. 

They'l 


artistic Gree 


for 


add а touch of culture to your 


TUR BIL 


ЇЇ 
BY RODENT ASSON AND DAVID EYNON 


living room, kitchen or furnace room 
Then, when guests come, they'll immedi- 
ately notice this touch of culture in your 
home. And you can easily lead them 
around to the topic of the wonderful 
Greck play that you've actually seen, 
and even quote several lines from the 
drama, which we've had printed inside 
each and every mask for your conven- 
ience. Your home will be a place of cul- 
ture and your mind a thing of refinement 
—for only $4.98, two for $10.50. 

The number to call is Culture 0.2222. 
Our phones are ringing now. Special 
operators are on duty to take your 
Don't leave that empty head empty 
longer. Call Culture. 02222. In 
Jersey, Bigelow 0-2222. Don't di 
operators are waiting. 

(Spot off FIRST ANNOUNCER, spot on 

AGENCY V.P.) 
AGENCY V.P. (fielding imaginary question 
from audience): Question? (Pause.) Yes, 
Oedipus Rex is in the public dom 
Now, I know you guys and ра 
ing yourselves: WI we doing with 
humility? And I'd like to say this: There 
were lois of sniggers in the halls when I 
got stuck with that 50-year contract with 
the tobacco auctioncer. Well, snigger at 
this. 

(Spot off ace: 


ANNOUNCER.) 


V.P., spot on 


"ISJMEP . .. TS, 


- TS/MEP. 
OFFSTAGE MUSIC (humming “Old Folks at 
Home,” with light banjo nccompani- 


ment). 
SECOND ANNOUNCER 
drawl): Yes, 


Southern 
s Fine 


(Deep 
Т. S. Eliot Mea 


Poetry. So whenever you want to escape 
from the banalities of everyday life, do 
as the literati do: Reach for a thin, slim 
volume of T. S. Eliot. He satisfies. You'll 
find an Eliot pome for every mood, folks. 
There's bawdy, rollicking humor, deep- 
dish pathos and good, down-to-carth 
hoss sense; and. none of this integration 
crap. Yes, folks, whenever I crave bril- 
nt metaphor, deep insight or just good. 
old Amui alienation, 1 reach for the 
thin, sl. of T. S. Eliot. You 
do the same, won't you, folks? T. S. i 
ng for you now at your favoritc 
bookstore. Why don't you try him this 
very night? You'll be the beucr for it. 
(Pause) None of this rhyming crap, 
either. 

(Spot ofj SECOND ANNOUNCER, spol on 
AGENCY V.P.) 
AGENCY V.P. (fielding imaginary question 
from audience): Question? (Pause) No, 
Т. S. Eliot is not in the public domain. 
Now, a lot of you kids are asking: What 
arc we doing for Culturtronics artwisez 
We've got a lot of goods to move, and 
here’s how we intend to do it. 

(Spot off acexcy v.e., spot on numb 
ANNOUNCER.) 
THIRD ANNOUNCER (side-of-mouth deliv- 
ery like а burlesque- 


А (leering) Retrospective Ex-hi 
n at the Metropolita 
You'll gasp at nearly 300 can 
ing the undraped female form! You'll 
marvel at the glorious flesh tones of such 
masters as N and Renoir! Youll 
watch the guard hold an ordinary ki 
en match behind a world-famous 
ing of Venus and Adonis, and you'll be 

naved and delighted by the antics that 
greet your astonished eyes! And with 
every purchase of a brochure to the 
show—only 75 cents—here’s what you 
get, absolutely free: a ge 
guide to the notorious Louvre museum 
of Paris, France; a copy of that su 
pressed memoir, / Was Picasso's Dry 
Gleaner; and a v le number just in 
from Puerto Rico called Pop Art Meets 
Mom Art, a rollicking collection of daring 
cartoons designed for the mature art lov- 
er. You know the kind we mean, mcn. 
The big show starts this Tuesday, folk 
"The Nude in Art,” at the Metropol 
Museum. The Fifth Avenue bus stop 
our door. Children half price. 

(Spot fades оп THIRD ANNOUNCER, 

comes up on AGENCY ҮР) 
AGENCY V.P.: "That's the whole ball of 
wax, kids. We're hustling Sophocles, 
T. S. Eliot and Michelangelo. Who 
the muse is a tough buck! 


97 


*4 n 
* 
РІ Г playboy toasts 
the dazzling jeunes 
a Yu filles who sparkle 
Ps in the city of light 


AFTER CENTURIES of supremacy as the 
capital city of the world, Paris—despite 
London's determined assault the 
comes ck ng 
ifaceted desires of the sophis 
In beaux-aris or haute 
cuisine, in lavish entertainment or zesty 
joie de vivre, or—most important of all 

in chic and complaisant females, the 
incomparable City of Light most closely 
pproximates the masculine ideal of what 
пе all about. To appease 
tually any appetite, be it cerebral, 
cultural, gustatory or sexual, Paris 
offers superabundant sati: n— grace- 
fully and without reproach. 

So much has been written—and 
dreamed—about the girls of Paris that it 
is difficult to separate hit from myth. For 
some of the mesdemoiselles de Paris— 
the 15 of the traditionally bohemian 
St-GermaindesPrés area, for example 
—myth has been so persistent that. time 
has transformed it into reality. Here les 
jeunes filles consciously strive t0 live up 
to standards of sexual freethinking estab- 
lished in the 1920s, when their enlight- 
ened predecessors were vying for the 
privilege of spending a night with the 
sso. In other 
s the ladies of the evening— 
myth and reality, where they once 
cided, are now diverging. (Tradition- 
alists will lament the loss, but the quality 
of parisiennes practicing the world’s old- 
est profession is steadily diminishing) 
And in still other cases—such as the 
prevalent foreign notion that every girl 
in Paris is at once dazzlingly beautiful 
and breathtakingly worldly—myth and 
reality never merged at all, though at 
times they might have seemed very 
close, indeed. 

Whether foreign, provincial or native 
Parisian, no girl loves the City of Light 
n one who's living there. Her 
unrestrained enthusiasm expresses itself 
with а vivacity and charm uniquely 
befitting her adored city. Something 
about the ambiance of Paris—perhaps 
its very feminine beauty or its transcen- 
dental appreciation of women as sexual 
beings—makes a girl revel in being a 
girl and in being appreciated 
as only Paris can арр 
French are not city lovers—simply Paris 
lovers. The provinces, even to those who 
live there, are out. It's a safe assump- 
tion that every swinging girl in France— 
whether guileless farm girls from the Jow- 
lands of Normandy or sun-browned 
mountain maids from the Basque coun- 
шу in the Pyrenees—will ultimately 
gravitate to Paris. Almost uniquely 
among the world’s great cities, the cen- 
tral core (text continued on page 110) 


Groceful as the Eiffel Tower, wind-blown 
Virginia Beloieff, а talented underwater 
photographer, came !o Paris vio Monaco. 
Dentists daughter Marie-Françoise Robinet, 
from Nancy, is a рагы 


ime television actress. 


Framed in the window of her Montmartre aportment, Genevo-born Violaine Lachenal, a fomiliar face on French televisian, reveals mare than 
videophiles get to see. At 23, Violaine is an avid antiquarian, boosts o padful af objets d'ort, some of them reol collector's items dating 
back ta the reign af Louis XIV. The porents af Daniele Faurnier ore both artists, and Daniele—shawn here in disarming déshabillé at her 


apariment neor the Gore Saint-Lazore—is an art expert for a Paris gallery. Ап cmeteur artiste herself, she looks forward ta exhibiting her 
own far-out works. Minikilted Nathalie Bensimon, a sweet-16-yeor-old student af political science, is an avid aquanette. She spends summer 
holidays waterskiing and swimming in the Mediterranean, fills out her schaal суз boating in Paris’ lush and verdant Bois de Vincennes. 


Netily attired Barbara Wikström is © quadrilingual 
svenska who works as а secretary for a French 
wine wholesaler. Sand-sifting Katia Suborof, of 


Ukranian descent, quit charm school to study auto 
mechanics, now works in a Paris gas station. Art 
student Cecil Labrousse speciolizes in londscapes. 


Dutch treat Sacha Beels, daughter of a Haarlem racing driver, 
digs furs and fast cors. She left Holland for Paris two years ogo, 
hopes to succeed in TV before returning to the lowlands. Brown- 
haired Sidra Tankersley, born in Florida and raised in New York 
City, left Merritt College in Oakland to study in Paris—"'to learn 


about the world and about myself." Doniela Leroy, o! home 
amid her collection of antique dolls, is a music student who 
arrived from Königsberg, on the Polish frontier of the U.S.S.R. 
Unlike most parisiennes, ivory-skinned Ghislaine Poul, o part-time 
model and sometime stage actress, was born in the City of Light. 


After convent schooling ond on oristocrotic upbringing 
in Spain, Mercedes Moliner (above) has achieved minor 
stardom in severol French flicks. Germon-born Margrit 
Ramme, on interpreter fluent in five languages, examines 
stotuary ot Paris’ flea market, while Ursula Schwartz 


flashes elfin Parisian charm belying her Teutonic arigins. 


Sarah Stephane, who holds a university degree in gymnastics and has just finished her first novel, takes time off from the typewriter for a 
solitaire game in her apartment near the Bois-de-Boulogne. Her romantic novel, Le Trèfle A Trois Fevilles (The Clover Has Three Leaves), will 
appear this summer. like many mesdemoiselles de Paris, Sarah is an ostrology buff; she credits the stars with turning her to writing. Over 


а soda at Le Drugstore on the Boulevard St.-Germain, Dominique Lesveur awaits her date for an afternoon of horseback-riding. She was born 
in Casablanca, came to Paris ten years ago, still finds it “the most exciting city in the world.” Schoolgirl Birgit Berlet, pausing on the steps of 
her apartment near the Sorbonne, would heartily agree. She arrived from Germany a усаг ago, plans to meke the City of light her home. 


Caroline Lazar (above left) is a prafessional portrait pointer and an accomplished skier. Emphatically an outdoor girl, she winters at Inns- 
bruck, plans to set up a studio there to give her additional time on the slopes. Selecting a bouquet at a sidewalk flower stand, Barry 
Kesso, now a Paris secretory, seems a world away from the Maslem African village in which she was raised. Her father is one of the spirit- 


val leaders of the Republic af Guinea, and Barry would like ta became ane of the temparal leaders of the Paris mannequin scene. 
Back from the concert hall and warming herself au naturel ot о friend's flat aff the Champs-Elysées, appropriately named Annie France 
is a ballerina who hos lived all her life in the Paris envirans. She studied classical dance far six years, enjoys relaxing with rack ‘n’ roll, 


Balloon-toting Catherine Jourdan is one of 
Paris’ more sought-after models. She hopes to 
get into the movies, a досі that Anny Nelsen 


(left) has already attained, in several Truffaut 
films. Bounteous Gin Audibert is a hair 
stylist who is well known in Paris’ social whirl, 


As wistfully lovely os the gordenia in her hair, Carlo Marlier, from Switzerland, studied droma in three countries before hying to Poris 
os o nightclub entertoiner. She spends summers on the Côte d'Azur, shoring o villa with two other porisiennes. New York Times girl 
Stephanie Lowrence, moking her appointed rounds in l'Etoile, was born in Melbourne, grew up in Beirut and London (her fother is o pilot 
for Middle Eost Airlines). Something of о gourmet, Martine Buisson (below left) springs from a long line of Paris restourateurs, helps in the 
family cofé between classes at drama school. She aspires to o coreer in the fomed Comédie Francaise. Descending the steps of Paris’ 
equolly well-known Opéra, pert Evelyn Hénot looks more like a schoolgirl thon o businesswomon, but she’s number-one girl Friday at o 
Poris public relations firm. In her spore time, she's a successful free-lonce designer of book jackets. Stage actress Michéle Auger (right) owns 
а bachelor’s degree in philosophy, hopes to model her thespion coreer after Greta Gorbo's—though she may find it difficult to be alone. 


PLAYBOY 


of Paris is growing faster than the sub- 
urbs around it. Here wealth does not 
force one out of the city—it permits опе 
to move closer in. Paris is also grow- 
ng ever more beautiful, as sandblasting 
and well-planned reconstruction continue 
to restore the elegance of old. 

In background and interests, the girls 
of Paris are likely to be as unpredictable 
as womankind itself. Superficially, they 
might resemble the girls of any big city, 
until closer scrutiny reveals that there 
are more of them, that they are pleasanter 
company, prettier in appearance and 
invariably better dressed. The Ame 
bachelor, relaxing after his six-hour 
transatlantic flight with a sunny aperitif 
as he first contemplates the action along 
Champs-Elysées, will quickly note 
t the old French tradition of la prome- 
nade here reaches its zenith—in the 
itely varied stream of laughing, well- 
groomed females flowing past his side- 
walk table. Here he will see miniskirted 
young Modniks who have jet-setted 
over from London for the weekend; 
leggy Früuleimwunders throwing ОЁ 
“Teutonic shackles for a brief taste of la 
wie parisienne; students from the former 
colon hinterlands of Africa or Indo- 
china, seeking a life style hardly available 
in Dakar or Pnompenh; wellscrubbed 
and well-tanned American coeds who 
wisely left Bermuda shorts and tennis 
shoes in Darien; and, of course, the ever- 
present parisienne—sel-assured and ir- 
Tesistibly feminine. 

While Paris, especially during the 
summer, probably boasts tbe largest and 
most diverse population of transient fe- 
males of any city in the world, it's the 
local residents who should initially pique 
the interest of our man about town. 
Knowing the manifold delights and 
eccentricities of Paris as well as she does, 
the parisienne can prowide the visiting 
stranger with the best of all possible 
5 through her breath-taking city. As 
our man will discover anon, she is a 
happy potpourri of the most enjoyable 
aspects of womanhood, conceived in a 
climate where sexuality is admired, rather 
than repressed, and nurtured in sur- 
gs uniquely appreciative of sugar 
and spice. She is at once worldly and 
ingenuous and sophisticated, 
g and guileless. Her often para- 
doxical nature must be understood to be 
really appreciated. 

Our peripatetic voyager will be initial 
ly concerned with the outer woman, and 
his first observation might be that, con- 
trary to popular notion, the typical pari- 
sienne is anything but the emadated 
will-o"-the-wisp so frequently encountered 
in the women's fashion magazines. Most 
Paris mannequins, he may subsequently 
discover, are neither Parisian nor French: 
"The leggier ones generally come from 
Scandinavia, where walking is а national 
pastime; and the bonier ones often come 


по from England, where good food, except 


for the wealthy, is still difficult to come 
by. Ihe real parisienne, our man will 
note, is well fleshed and robustly healthy. 
She carries herself neither as athlete nor 
as sylph, but trimly, unself-consciously 
and with a grace that in other girls might 
seem studied to a fault. She can walk in 
three-inch heels, for instance, as naturally 
as if she were barefoot. 

As he looks йозе 
just what it is that makes the parisienne 
50 attractive, our man might find himself 
hard proscd for an answer. It could be 
her legs—fine, slender and well formed. 
The benign climate of Paris and mar- 
velously efficient. public transportation 
system seem to encourage the full flower- 
ing of legs as ornaments as well as pro- 
pulsion. Girl for girl, Paris certainly 
boasts the world’s highest percentage of 
shapely ankles, in happy conjunction 


with well-turncd calves. In the Boisde- 
——the Central Park of Paris— 


zy Horse's. 
But diverting as they are, the extremi- 
ties themselves can't account for the 


explicable attractiveness of the whole 
girl. Could it be her mouth? It's decided- 


ly the most expressive feature of her 
emphatically expressive face. The pari- 
sienne, like all French girls, speaks less 
with her tongue than with her lips— 
which she rounds into a provocative 
pout to accommodate the acrobatic vow- 
els of her elegant language. A lifetime of 
speaking French draws in her cheeks 
slightly and causes a barely visible nct- 
work of lines to form at the corners of her 
mouth. Especially prominent when she 
smiles, these crinkles give her that slight- 
ly cynical, worldly-wise look and the 
elfin allure that is Si of her charm, 
Seasoned Paris girl watchers look to 
mademoiselle's mouth—even when she's 
silent—to determine whether she's a na- 
tive speaker of French. They're almost 
invariably correct. 

The key to the attractiveness of the 
parisienne is chic. Every detail of her 
appearance—her coiffure (high-stylish but 
never garish), her make-up (subtle, yet 
strikingly effective), her outfit and her 
accessories (perfectly appropriate and sen- 
cly matched)—is carcfully selected to 
enhance her individual charm. The result 
is an unobtrusive elegance, an almost 
Grecian sense of proportion, transform- 
п an average into a head 
turner. It stands to reason, after all, that 
the proportion of knockout females i 
no higher than that in most 
ig cities. The difference—vive la 
différence—is the near miracle that the 
alchemy of Paris can work on an 
ordinarily attractive 

Day or night, on the Champs-Elysées 
or elsewhere, the café is the likeliest 
place to strike up а conversation—and 
perhaps an entente cordiale—with one 


of these lovelies. Lining virtually every 
lewalk in the city, cafés comprise a 
large element of the engaging vitality of 
Paris. During a normal day, the typical 
parisienne might well tarry at two, five 
or even a dozen of them, sipping a l'eau 
Perrier here, an Alsatian beer there, 
enjoying croissants and café au lait in 
midmor: strolling elsewhere for a 
favored aperitif, then stopping for lunch 
—which, depending on her figure or her 
predilection, can range from a mi 
demitasse at a tiny patisserie to the im- 
mobilizing multicourse déjeuner that still 
provides the saison «21те for the two 
hour Gallic lunch break. After the repast, 
her tour may begin all over again. 

It is a rare café, indeed, in which you 
cannot find at least one attractive and 
unaccompanied young girl toying with a 
glass and demurely eying the action 
bcyond. Should you be refreshing your- 


self in the same café, your 
probably азы you in determi 
whether she's unattached. Centuries of 
Parisian joie de vivre have elevated the 


profession of waiter—even in the hum- 
blest of bistros—to a position of dignity 
and authority. He is monsieur, never gar- 
соп. Experienced in catering to а Каје 
doscopic апау of appetites, he will field 
а question about a young lady's ap- 
proachability with the same imperturb- 
able suavity with which he answers a 
query about a featured course. If the 
response is affirmative, its simplicity 
itself to strike up a conversation with the 
lady—espedally if you're reasonably at 
home in the French language. Even if 
you're not, a trivial question in English, 
bespeaking апу onc of the minor 
culties that beset travelers in a for 
eign city (and provide them with fine 
opening gambits as well), will probably 
provoke an interested response. Most 
parisiennes speak passing-fair English— 
certainly better than most Americans 
speak French. Contrary to popular по. 
tion, the typical demoiselle will sym- 
pathetically endure conversations in high 
school French, and she welcomes the 
opportunity to brush up her English— 
particularly with an outgoing American 
male. 

If your taste runs to the intellectual, 
you might leave the ChampsElysée 
cross the Seine and stroll down the Bou- 
levard St-Germain to the Café aux 
Deux Magots, longtime hangout of the 
French Existentialists before they һе 
came famous, and now frequented by un 
conventional scholars, writers and artists 
of both sexes. At virtually any hour, the 
Deux Magots (named for statues of two 
wizened Orientals within) and the Café 
de Flore, next door, teem with cerebral, 
outgoing and generally available young 
women eager for a whirl—and_per- 
haps a great deal more—with a visitor 
who happens to pique their intense 

(continued on page 169) 


SUR 
Tio 


guaranteed wagers for the man who likes to bet but hates to lose 


games By HOWARD MARGOLIS DEATH AND TAXES have long been recognized as the 
only sure things worthy of a cautious man's faith or wager, and we know some individuals 
who are suspicious of these. (There is a movement afoot to add the Green Bay Packers to the 
list, but that seems a trifle premature.) Yet a considerable number of other propositions have 
outcomes so certain that they warrant the interest of even the most cautious of men. These 
are "sure things,” and they result in gain for the initiate by causing his ill-informed prey to 
become intrigued—and indebted. Not ruined or overdrawn at the bank, however, for these 
are gentlemanly swindles meant for rewarding diversion rather than malevolence. 

Our purpose here is to present some of these entertainments as a doubly beneficent pub- 
lic service: The extroverted reader will make immediate use of them; they are a perfect pas- 
time while you're waiting in some lounge for a late plane, train or date and the time needs 
to be whiled away. In fact, they'll do at any moment when one is not precisely where one 
would like to be and the conyersation is likewise not what it might be. In the future, those 
moments can be spent in the pleasurable pursuit of profit. And the introverted reader who 
might be mistaken for a “mark” will now be one up when some aggressively friendly fellow 
just happens to offer a little wager to help in the whiling away of that same dull moment. 

On the safe assumption that there is some larceny in all of us, our diversions are pre- 
sented as the “operator” needs to know them. One note of advice: Only the bare mechanics 
are outlined here. In order to ensure a long and lucrative carcer, you must be able to 
awaken and entice the avarice of your prey. This does not imply, however, that you need the 
pitchman patter and ingratiations of the stereotyped bunko artist. In fact, the most suc- 
cessful operators we know are both quiet and somewhat diffident in disposition, prodding 
only when necessary and easing up once the barest response is evident. The one compulsory 
trait is to demonstrate good-natured interest in the proceedings, as if there were really a game 
of chance under way. 

For the skeptics and slow learners among you, a detailed explanation of cach ploy has 
been appended to our list. 

Now for the games. 

1. A mathematical oddity called Crazy Eights. A pencil and paper are necessary; they are 
for the pigeon. In a charmingly straightforward way, you ask him to pick a number. Then, 
in order, he is to double it; add 25; square it; and fold up the paper. Now, you tell him— 
after seeming to make some sort of computations in your head as he did them on paper—if 
he subtracts 25 from his final number, it will be divisible by 8. This should elicit a response 
from your companion. He probably does not even remember the number he’s computed, so 
there'll be an inclination to protest your arithmetical arrogance. When it comes, offer a 
small wager; if necessary, give odds. His number will divide quite nicely by 8—even if he 
cheats; this bet never loses. 

2. Instant Math. You should now have at least an interested and possibly an angry prey 
(the latter is a definite advantage: The angrier he gets, the more susceptible he is, ulumately 
becoming an abject sucker). It is time to bring him along with another example of your math- 
ematical wizardry. Calmly state that you've mastered the 15,873 multiplication table. Your 
opponent will be wary, but he'll register “Show me" in some subtle way. “That's cra 
he might say. So you ask him to pick a number from 1 to 9. Tell him you're going to par- 
ticipate by doing the same, whereupon you write the number 7 on a piece of paper. Then 
you offer to multiply the 7 by his number by 15,873 within 3 seconds. This feat, certainly, 
is worth a wager. After the stakes are set, you ask him for his number and proceed to write it 
down 6 times. (For example, he picks 6: 6 times 7 times 15,873 equals 666,666.) The cloak of 
infallibility can be seen settling comfortably upon your shoulders. — (continued on page 171) 


man at his leisure 


leroy neiman depicts the dizzy marine maneuverings and beachside 
heroics of southern california’s stoked-up surfers 


SURFING, long a religious cult for wave worshipers, has lately not only won coast-to-coast status as a bona-fide sport 
(there is even a surfing Hall of Fame) but has also inspired a burgeoning subculture that includes rock-n'-roll 
magazines, and films such as Bruce Brown's excellent surfing odyssey, The Endless Summer. In Southern 
where American surfing was incubated, hordes of “stoked” (hooked) surf devotees, single-minded as lemmings, strap 
their 25-pound boards atop their cars every day and head for the beaches. PLAYBOY'S nomadic artist LeRoy Neiman, 
who spent a month on the surfers’ trail, from San Onofre to Malibu, found their life a robust one: “They live for the 
sport. Surfing has made Muscle Beach a memory. The surfers’ beaches are a kaleidoscope of Hollywood types, ‘beach 
bunnies,’ rebellious hipsters and myriad adolescents, some arrayed in wet suits, some bristling with surfing pins, Mal- 
tese crosses for good luck and other contemporary finery. There are professionals who represent board manufac- 
turers in tournaments and form-conscious aesthetes who, in their own idiom, ‘please fear’ by riding the 'heavies on 
their ‘big guns'—surfboards built for big waves.” Veteran surfers get their biggest kick from "getting locked in the 
curl” (above) or riding inside а ponderous wave. Right: As motorcyclistmusicians provide gratuitous background 
sounds, Malibu surfers traverse The Pit, a favored rendezvous, on their way to the waves. “The boards and costumes 
create a symphony of colors," observes Neiman. “In the overcrowded water, however, play gets rough sometimes as surf- 
112 ers jostle for space; ‘surf birds'—female wave riders—are on their own. On a good, or ‘glassy’ day, pandemonium rules." 


A well-tanned surfer and his date 
paddle out to where the action is. “Most 
surfers," reports Neiman, “are confidently 

blasé about finding surfmates, and Malibu 
regulars will say, with a shrug, ‘You 
пате ‘em, we've got em." 


14 


With rhe skill and aplomb cf experienced gymnasts, 
а quartet of surfing acrobats demonstrates one of 
the routines of competitive tandem riding, at the 
beach at Poche. Right: Undaunted by signs emphosiz- 
ing dangers that are only too obvious, surfers de- 
scend into the briny trough of a wave as they attempt 
to “shoot the pier." Getting swept under the pier 
is an occasional, and accepted, part of the game. 


Carrying her lightweight board over her head, 
а surf bird makes her way toward the ocean. 


“I have very little 
will power, Mr. Hanson, 
and even less won't power. 


Var gas 


Ribald Classic ow fai hao drove the devils out 


IN ALL THE PROVINCE of Szechwan, there was none who was 
reputed to serve better food in his restaurant nor to have a 
more bcautiful wife than Fong. Yet, in spite of his blessings, 
Fong was not happy. 

“Thrice have 1 wed beautiful maidens and thrice have they 
proven themselves barren,” he said to T'ai Hao. "I know you 
for what you truly are, a drunkard and a wencher, yet 1 
come to you for advice. For surely, who should know more of 
such matters than a follower of willows and moonbeams?" 

Although T'ai Hao was shocked at such barbaric frankness 
of speech, he did not allow his surprise to show through his 
portly smile, “You have offended the gods,” he said. “I know 
something of such matters and may be able to help you. But 
I promise you that it will cost you dearly.” 

The next day, Tai Hao visited his old friend, the abbot of 
the monastery that stands on the hill that guards the gates of 
heaven. 

“Well,” T'ai Hao later said to Fong, “it is all arranged. Both 
you and your wife, Plum Blossom, must come away to the 


from a Chinese folk tale 


The next morning, when a monk brought them their morn 
ing broth, he held out his begging bowl, By his demeanor, 
Fong knew a large donation was expected, Once again he 
dropped into the bowl one thousand im cash. 

Another monk led Fong to an altar on which there was a 
large stone. "You shall lift the stone one thousand times today, 
the monk intoned, “each time imploring Amida to drive out 
the devils.” 

The monk had slipped away. “The devil take them,” Fong 

said aloud. Then, thinking of the money he had already spent 
he began his exertions, When nightfall came, he could barely 
finish his supper before he fell fast asleep. in, Plum 
Blossom stepped into the garden. 
Ah,” said the little man, “I see my mistress has enjoyed her 
life today. Roses blush in her cheeks. Many are the delights of 
life, if we but relax and allow them to reach us.” Plum Blossom 
relaxed while he showed her delights even greater than she had 
experienced on the previous night. 

The next morning. Fong awoke angry and stiff in every 


monastery. For three days, neither of you will leave the room 
of meditation, whilst we attempt to drive from Plum Blossom's 
body the devils that. prevent conception.” 

When Fong and Plum Blossom arrived, two files of shaven- 
headed monks bowed them into a comfortable room over- 
looking the garden. In the center of the room, hung with 
lemon-yellow curtains, stood an enormous bed. A monk held 
out his begging bowl and Fong, realizing that he dare not be 
niggardly, placed within it one thousand in cash. That n 
they were served a clear soup and duck in oiled paper. 

"It is cooked well enough,” Fong conceded, "but not as 
well as mine, which costs one tenth the price 

The moon rose, casting bright pools of silver on the ground. 
From another building came the tinkle of bells. When Fong 
was aslcep, Plum Blossom stepped into the garden. The scent 
of roses and lilies was so strong she felt faint. She saw a fat 
іше man sitting on a rock in the far corner 

"Can two soups cook in the same pot at the same time?" 
he asked her. 

No," she stammered. 

Can the devil live with joy? 
No," said Plum Blosom. 
ап he who is without joy create а work of art?" the man 
asked. 

"I think not," replied Plum Blossom. 

“Is not the creation of a child the highest act of creation?" 

Plum Blossom nodded, His hand was flowing over her breast 
so lightly she could scarce feel it. 

Let joy How within you,” the little m: 

She allowed his hands to roam over her, raising her to 
delights she had not known of. While the moon climbed 
higher into the sky, she allowed herself to be transported to a 
realm of pure bliss. When she opened her eyes and rose to 
refasten her garments, she was amazed to see that she was alone 
in the garden. 


the man asked. 


id. 


п sa 


muscle. “I think we arc being hoodwinked,” he declared. “Such 
prayers and exercises I could have done in my own restaurant 
You know much of soups and noodles but little of gods, 
Plum Blossom said sharply. then blushed at being so harsh 
with her master. Seeing her thus, Fong would have embraced 
her, had not a monk appeared then. 

“Amida has heard you,” said the monk. “Today you will 
walk around the temple one hundred times, beating these 
cymbals to tell the gods dhe devil has been driven away." He 
handed Fong two very heavy bronze cymbals, While Plum 
Blossom rested serenely in their room, Fong reassured th 
gods. By nightfall, his legs felt as if they were broken into bits. 

“Are you a deity?” Plum Blossom whispered that evening to 
the little man. 

“Only to bring to those on earth the delights of heaven, 
he said merrily. While the moon rose, he brought her trembling 
up to heaven. She felt herself being carried away on clouds 
and moonbeams, then sailing softly back to earth. 

Before they departed the next moi presented 
the assembled. monks with many pieces of silver to show his 
gratitude 

Several months later, while Tai Hao was sitting on the 
porch drinking the white wine of Szechwan province, Fong 
appeared. "My wife is with child," he said, smilin 
ven as 1 foretold,” T'ai Hao said. 


pleasure to bring joy to those whose path crosses mine 
Later that day, Tai Hao visited the abbot and told him of 
Master Fong's good fortune. "The gods smile kindly upon 
those who enjoy their time on earth," the abbot said. Where- 
upon he placed on T'ai Hao's lap a small pouch that jingled. 
“Indeed,” said T'ai Hao, "it is our duty to bring joy to 
those whose path crosses ours.” 


—Retold by Bob Lunch EB пу 


PLAYBOY 


THE FUZA oua from pace 78) 


prevails in the slum districts of many 
American cities. 

The Lower East Side of New York or 
Halsted and Maxwell Streets in Chicago 
were once seething slums, crowded. with 
ethnic groups with the most antagonistic 
sets of values. Tension was constantly at 
а maximum. Petty crime and “vice” were 
rampant and all a policeman could hope 
to do was abate them, to keep social di: 
order from destroying social life. In ad- 
dition, he usually performed all sorts of 
tasks of social hygiene of the type now 
handled by professionals—social worl 
ers, recreation workers and psychiatrists. 
Very important, the typical policeman 
was recruited from the most powerful 
group in the slums—the Irish poor. Inso- 
Таг as there was a "consensus" of the 
well-behaved poor, he represented it— 
puritanical. authoritarian, superstitious, 
а believer in corporal punishment of 
children, subordination of wives and the 
solution of minor differences between 
friends by trial by fisticuffs. The Jews 
were the only group in the old slums 
who didn't share any of this social ethic, 
but they kept out of the way of the 
police. 

America has changed. It is becoming 

a homogeneous society and the divisions 
that do exist are of a new kind. Today 
almost all Americans share another set 
of values—the acquisitive, conspicuous 
expenditure, passive pleasure system. of 
the American middle clas, with its 
builtin frustration and — irresolvable 
sexual tensions. The Negroes in Watts 
riot because they want in—into the 
culture of the TV commercials. They 
want to integrate into a burning house. 
They want admission to American homo- 
geneity. 
‚ of course, is the conflict over ho- 
mogeneity itself, to which the Negroes 
demand they be admitted. The second 
most important division, from the police 
point of view, is a change of values, the 
democratization of what was once the 
privilege of an elite of radical intellec 
tuals—an entirely new moral code. 

The only people outside this TV cul- 
ture are the young (and some old) 
members of the new and ever-growing 
subculture of secession. They want out, 
on any terms, and they deny—in dress, 
conduct, amusements, personal relations, 
even intoxicants—all the values of the 
dominant culture, These people, actually 
the youngest members of another kind of 
middle class—the clite corps of the tech- 
nological society аге, in fact, 
more orderly and peaceful and in 
less predatory than the domina 
This in itself outrages the police as cus- 
todians of the prevailing morality. 

Emma Goldman, free lover and an- 
quite a sufficient bother to 
the police of her day. Today there are 


118 millions of Emma Goldmans, members 


new kind of middle class. This pub- 
lic resents the police as guardians of 
public morals. Younger people, who live 
by moral codes that bear little resem- 
blance to the lower-middle-class Trish 
Catholic morality of most of the police 
force, look upon the policeman as a da 
gerous and ignorant disrupter of their 
own peaceful lives. 

The police, on the other hand, believe 
that they have the right to control the 
lives of others for their own benefit, that 
they know better what others should do 
than they do themselves. They adjust 
the behavior of those who live by a 
ferent moral code to the stereotypes 
that they have inherited from the past. 
In its most extreme form: “If you sce a 
iggcr and a white woman together 
chances are it's a pimp and a whore 
ЗАП those beatniks,” referring to а beard- 
ed student of nuclear physi 
dope.” “If you watch, you can catch one 
of them making a pass and you're sure to 
find marijuana or pills.” 

Both press and police commonly refer 
to marijuana, an intoxicant far less harm- 
ful than alcohol, and to LSD and the 
various barbiturates, tranquilizers and 
stimulants as "dope" and “narcotics” and 
attempt to deal with the problem exactly 
the same way that they dealt with the 
morphine-cocaine traffic and addiction of 
50 years ago. It is significant that the use 
of most of these drugs results іп relaxa- 
Чоп and noninvasive behavior, while 
alcohol stimulates aggressions. The police 
as the arm of the squares represent an 
sive lowermiddleclass morality i 
t with life patterns of nonaggres- 
sion that they find incomprehensible and 
interpret in terms of crime and vice— 
aggression—which they can understand. 

What is it the spokesmen for the po- 
lice arc talking about when they say the 
public doesn't understand the nature of 
policework? Why don't they explain? 
‘The reason is that the contradiction, 
the dilemma of policework, is something 
they do not wish publicized. They wish 
to present to a society concerned about 
il liberties the policeman as a func- 
tionary of the legal process. They are not 
prepared to face the fact that he is 
volved in a symbiotic relationship with 
the illegal communities that function as 
subcultures in the society. 

It is a common charge of those inter- 
ested in a reform of the methods of han- 
dling the narcotics problem that the 
Federal, state and, 10 a lesser degree, 
city police, along with the Mafia, have a 
vested interest in preserving the status 
quo. This is an oversimplification. What 
has actually developed is a great web of 
petty crime, addiction and peddling, 
which the narcotics officer hopes he са 
control and which is sensitive to his 
manipulation. 

For instance, to begin at the begin- 


arcotics addict 


ning of the process: 
arrested on a pettylarceny charge can 
cooperate with the police in several 
ways. He can help clear the record by 
admitting to а number of unsolved petty 
thefts: he can give information that 
will lead to the arrest of his retail deal 
and his anonymity will be protected by 
the police and the charges against him 
will be reduced to a minimum. In the 
somewhat bigger time, a felony charge 
can be reduced if the prisoner is willing 
to cooperate in the arrest of a narcotics 
wholesaler. 

At the bottom of the ladder, a prosti- 
tute known to have associates who 


cither thieves or narcotics pushers or 
both can cooperate simply by giving 


general information; or in cases where 
the police know that the girl has infor- 
mation they want, she is often given the 
choice between cooperation, being ad- 
mitted to bail and receiving only a fine 
t her trial, or refusing to cooperate, 
being held without bail for a med 
amination and then given a jail sentence. 
is done with a great deal of 
ction and eyasive language; but 
since narcotics control is something the 
police must originate themselves—it is 
one of several “crimes without plai 
which is another definition of "vi 
police can function only if they can keep 
a complicated machinery of informati 
and actual social contact operati 
the fuel that keeps this mach 
is bargaining power: Fach side I 
modity of value to exchange with the 
other, Each party to the wansaction must 
make a profit. In this sense, the police 
have a vested interest in the subculture 
of the underworld. 

The remarkable thing about this sub- 
culture is that, although it may usc the 
term “square,” both police and criminals 
share the same system of values. The nar- 
cotics peddler, the gambler or the prosti- 
tute may point out that their activities 
are dvibservice occupations in some 
countries and if the public didn't want 
what they had to offer, they would go 
out of business. To some extent, most 
policemen share this point of view, but 
both sides in private conversation usual- 
ly will be found to be convinced that 
vice is morally wrong. 

The underworld subculture does not 
have the self-confidence attributed to it 
in fiction. Again, this lack is a powerful 
psychological tool in the hands of the 
police. A prostitute who is treated by the 
arresting officer as "just a hard-working 
girl," the victim of hypocritical bluenose 
laws that it is the officer’s job to enforce, 
will be far more coope: n a girl 
who feels she is being treated w 
tempt, most especially зо because she 
herself has that contempt. Organizations 
such as Synanon have made a thera 
peutic method out of the self-hate of the 
narcotics addict, but a policeman who 


“Oh, it's when the flower's on the 


that they're not married!” 


PLAYBOY 


120 socially acceptable in most cities, and 


used the language of a Synanon session 
would find himself with a very hostile 
prisoner on his hands, indeed. 

What the policeman does as a custo- 
dial officer within the underworld subcul- 
ture is keep it abated, and he applies 
these methods to other problems of 
social order. 

For instance, for several years I knew 
a handsome young Negro intellectual 
who was a professional blackmailer. He 
would spot a wealthy young married 
woman slumming in bohemia, strike up 
an acquaintance, carry on an intellectual 
conversation, arouse her sympathy. After 
reciting Т. 5. Eliot at length, he would 
divulge the information that he 
himself to sleep night 
cause his skin was black and his hair was 
crinkly. As they parted, he would thank 
her profusely, say that he never hoped to 
e her again but could he write to her 
sometimes when the pain was more than 
he could bear. The exchange of letters 
led to an exchange of pictures and possi- 
bly even to an affair; and then one day 
the socialite housewife would get а tele- 
phone call that he was in a terrible jam 
and needed the $1000 that he had been 
offered by a newspaperman for the let- 
ters and pictures. Needless to say, jour- 
nalism is seldom conducted this way, but 
the girls usually paid up, and those who 
had been sleeping with him usually went 
right on doing so. 

One night I was in a club in San Fran- 
оз North Beach and watched the 
regular cop on the beat question only the 
mixed couples in the place and concen- 

is hostility on this man and his 
new girl. As the cop went out the door, 
he said to me, “OK, Rexroth, say I'm 
prejudiced, but what do you want me to 


do with motherfucker? Go up to 
him and say, Y under arrest for 
blackmail?” 


Eventually this harassment may have 
paid off. because the fellow left town for 
good. This instance explains a good 
many things. The police still believe that 
there are enough relationships of this 
id. or worse, among mixed couples to 
justify a policy of general interrogation 
id of making those people who do not 
respond as the police think they should 
uncomfortable as possible. 
ment is a method of abatement and the 
police consider it one that may work 
when there is no plaintiff or no visible 
commission of crime, 

Take the case of homosexuality. 
Homosexual acts between consenting 
adults are no longer policed as such. The 
laws that the police attempt to enforce 
are essentially the same as those applied 
to heterosexuals. The bushes in parks 
amd public toilets are not chosen by 
heterosexuals for sexual intercourse, and 
although assignations are made between 
men and women in bars, this has becom 


SS 


is usually not so obvious as the activities 
a gay bar 

With the growing tolerance of homo- 
enormous increase 
gay bars and other open manifesta- 
tions of homosexuality socially, there has 
been not only a great increase in homo- 


se n, especially among 
floating adolescents, but a tremendous 
increase in robbery and murder. Not 
only have a number of well-known per- 


ities in recent years been found 
robbed and beaten to death in cities 
ith a large homosexual population, but 
studbusting has become one of the com- 
monest forms of “unexplained” homo- 
cide. Middle-aged men, many of them 
ied and with children, are pulled 
out of the bushes dead with а frequency 
the police prefer to say nothing 
Here is the police problem: No one 
The partners in a 
homosexual relationship participate vol- 
untarily. If onc is robbed, he will not risk 
disgrace by going to the police. If he's 
dead, he's dead, and the circumstances 
of his murder provide no 
itself takes only a brief 
almost impossible to catch. So the police 
harass and embarrass the gay bar or 


wade, the homosexual prostitute, they 
ble as possible. 

t one time entrapment was а com- 
mon form of arrest, but the prejudice of 
the court and the public is so great that 
it is being abandoned. A judge is very 
likely to say, “What were you doing 
when the defend: was fondling your 
penis?” Besides, entrapment does not 
catch the principal offender, the stud- 
buster, who, if he is experienced, can 
recognize a plainclothesman no matter 
how plausibly disguised. 

This leaves the police with degrading 
methods, peepholes in public toilets and 
such, which most officers rebel inst 
using. Of course, in all these cases, some 
policemen simply love this kind of work. 
The favorite term of contempt among 
police, as in the underworld, is “copper 
hearted.” Fairykillers and whorehunters 
not liked by their colleagues on the 
force; and although police will give all 
their skill and devotion to cracking a big 
саве of narcotics wholesaling, most men 
on the narcotics detail sicken of the wo: 
with the petty addict, the round of desper- 
ation, pilfering, prostitution and squalor 
and the hopelessness of changing it. 

There is one outstanding factor in 
common in almost all arrests for "vicc," 
The cop must judge to arrest; and in 
court, in a legal process based on con- 
test, he must stick to his guns—and the 
esprit de corps of the force must back 
him all the way up the chain of com- 
mand. A general cannot deny his troops. 


icomfoi 


This is the reason that the chain of com- 
mand almost invariably seems to the 
public to do nothing but whitewash 
whenever there is a complaint, no matter 
how grievous. It is this paramilitary eth- 
ic, not corruption, that accounts for the 
run-around. Except for a few cities in 
the East, corruption from outside is 
dying ош. If it exists today, it comes 
from within the force. Outside the cities 
that are still controlled by the Organ 
tion, policemen, let alone high-ranking 
officers, are no longer directly controlled 
by corrupt political machines or by the 
Mafia. 

Modern police corruption is a more 
subtle thing. Many police departments 
are controlled by intradepartmental po- 
litical structures, power apparats, Othe 
are the battleground of conflicting 
groups of this sort, but they are more 
likely to be generated within the depart- 
ment and concerned exclusively with po- 
lice rank and privilege than to come 
from outside. In fact. the tendency is to 
keep such things from the attention of 
the public, even from the apparatus of 
the political parties. 

In the case of а liberal and. ight 

ened police chief, the increasing polar 
zation of American society is certain to 
be reflected in an opposition, usually 
clandestine but often organized, that 
considers him a nigger-lover and a Red 
and whose members do everything they 
can to sabotage his efforts and to back 
one another up all along the chain of 
command as high as they can go. It is 
this type of reactionary opposition that 
accounts for the apparently successful 
John Birch Society recruitment cam- 
paign in the police forces of America; 
and it is here that you find whitewash 
and run-around in cases of police brutal 
d especially of racism. 
1 said, part of a system of 
control for wh ny otherwise hon 
ем, old-fashioned policemen will present 
suong if not convincing argument 
Criminal corruption, again, usually arises 
within a police force prompted only by 
the generally criminal character of 
American society. 

Rings of thieves such as those un- 
covered a couple of ycars ago 
police forces usually grow out of the 
general “knockdown” philosophy of 
American enterprise, particularly in re- 
lation to insurance claims. To quote 
Chief Stanley R. Schrotel: 


Most 


in two 


policemen recognize по 


wrong in accepting free admissions 
to public entertainment, discounts 


on their purchases, special favors 
and considerations [rom persons of 
influence, or tips and gratuities for 
services performed in the line of 
their regular duty. They choose to 
look upon these incidents as being 
strictly personal matters between 
themselves and the donors and аге 


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121 


PLAYBOY 


122 


unwilling to recognize that moral 
obligations arc involved. . . . No 
matier how much effort is expended 
in minimizing the derogatory effect 
of the acceptance of gratuities and 
favors by law-enforcement officers, 
the practice has become so preva- 
lent that the public generally con 
cedes that policemen аге the world's 
atest “moochers.” Aside from the 
on of the effect of the practice 
upon the officers" effectiveness in en- 
forcing the law, it is a certainty that 
a reputation for "mooching" docs 
not elevate the standards of the pro- 
fession in the public's mind. 


This picture has a certain old-time 
charm: the copper in pith helmet and 
blue Prince Albert copping an apple off 
the pushaart. To quote again, Banton's 
The Policeman in the Community, para- 
phrasing Mort Stern’s article "What 
Makes a Policeman Go Wrong”; “+ 
former member of thc Denver police 
department, discussing what went 
wrong there, stressed that a new recruit 
was not accepted by his colleagues un- 
Jess he conformed to their norms. When 

igating a burglary in a store, police 
officers might put some additional arti- 


cles imo their pockets (indeed, they 
were sometimes encouraged to do so by 
the owners, who pointed out that they 
would recover from the insurance com- 
pany anyway)." In the "cops as robbers 
scandals of a few years back, inves 
gation soon revealed the step-by-step 
process of corruption. The robbery vic 
tim, owner of a shop or a warchouse, cx- 
pected and encouraged the investigating 
officers to help themselves to a couple of 
mink coats or television sets то run up 
the insurance claim. From there it was a 
short step to collusion between police, 
burglary gang and would-be “victim, 
and from there a still shorter step, the 
elimination of the middleman, until the 
police planned and carried out the rob- 
beries themselves and moved on to plain, 
old-fashioned robbery, without the con- 
ncc of the robbed, 

The corruption that stcms from gam- 
bling is a special case, although its cficcts 
are probably the most farreaching. Few 
police anywhere are directly part of the 
organized narcotics business, and their in- 
volvement in prostitution is really trivial, 
however common, and mostly part оѓ 
what they consider the necessary web of 
information. Gambling is different. To- 


“You're too eager!" 


day, when churches and supermarkets are 
gambling institutions, it is hard for the 
average policeman, who is likely to be 
an Irish Catholic whose church stages 
weekly bingo games, to take gambling 
seriously. 

Pay-off may start as part of the system 
of control, but since gambling is the m. 
jor business of organized crime in Amer 
са, it soon penetrates to the vitals of the 
police system. Since gambling is also the 


ized crime, it carries with it not only the 
corruption of vice but the additional cor- 
ruption of vice-controlled politics. 

Collusion with bookmakers and the 
proprietors of gambling rooms is turned. 
up fairly frequently on the West Coast. 
There is such a case pending at this writ- 
ng in a suburb of San Francisco. Mas- 
sive infection of the police department 
and the penetration of high level, out- 
side. political corruption seems to be 
far more common east of the Rockies. 
The Sunset Strip paramilitary actions 
against youth show conclusively the cor- 
ruption of the police by the organized 
ntertainment business.” There is a psy- 
chological factor here that must be taken 
into account. A corrupt police force is a 
guiltridden police force, because, with 
few exceptions, policemen do believe in 
the Iowermiddle-class values, even when 
they flout them. A guiltv police force is 
likely to be both belligerently puritanical 
in its attempts to control unconventional 
behavior and hostile—quick to react 
aggressively to any fancied assault on its 
own authority. Obviously, this sets up a 
vicious circle that goes round and round 
in an ever-accelerating separation of the 
police from the gencral population 

At the very best, as any honest police- 
man will tell you, the police live in a 
ghetto of their own, and a great deal of 
the effort of the human-relations bureaus 
and details of the bettcr police depi 
ments is devoted to simply getting 
through to the public, to breaking down 
the ghetto wall. But even with the best 
public relations, the police as a subcul- 
ture of their own are а garrison society. 
Policemen associate mostly with one an 
other and have few civilian Iriends. Police- 
men's balls and. picnics are characterized 
by а noisy but impoverished conviviality. 

In the case of Negroes, the young man 
who joins the force is likely to mect with 
a total cutoff in his community and at 
best find himself uncomfortable in his 
new onc, the police sodcty. A neighbor 
who was a graduate in Jaw Irom a South- 
em Jim Crow university joined the force 
d discovered that he had even lost the 


rs of isolation, he quit. As а cus- 
todial officer in а Negro ghetto, the po- 
liceman confronts a population in revolt 
to whom he is a soldier of an occupying 
ames Baldwin and Ba- 
1 Rustin have said. 
The Negro who sticks it out is 


y 


bleached and assimilated. As a Negro 
sergeant in New York City said, "Five 
years on the New York force and I don't 
care how you started out—colored, Pucr- 
to Rican, Jewish—you end up Irish.” 
But it must пос be forgouen that this is 
less difficult and less incongruous than it 
scems to white people. The vast majority 
of Negroes are not all that exotic. They 
are conscious of themselves very spe 
cifically as а "deprived" minority —dc- 
prived of the wonders and goodies of the 
American way of life. Their exoticism is 
the delusion of a handful of intellectuals 
of both races who live exclusively along 
the hot no man's land of the miscegi 


tion battle front 

I have neglected to mention the only 
ich the average citizen comes 
ct with the police— 
as we all know, 
an area of continual irritability and exas 
peration on both sides, and onc of the 
ngs a city can do is to create a 
department of trafficcontrol officers for 
all violations short of crime completely 
divorced from the police department. 

To sum up, these are the basic factors 
in the problem: The police are a closed 
community, socially isolated from the 
general population, with a high level of 
irritability along the edges of contact. 
Police methods have developed in the 
day-by-day work of control of an under- 
world of petty crime and vice, in a peri- 
od when most policework was with the 
poor, or at least the dwellers in slums. As 
а control or custodial officer, the typical 
policeman, in the words of Jerome H. 
Skolnick, “is inherently a suspicious per- 
son, fond of order and predictability, He 
ts to stereotyped symbols of poten- 
trouble—even oddities of dress or 
speech—and proceeds on the presump- 
tion of guilt, often while win! 
legal niceties of rest 
arrests. Intent upon “controlling crime,” 
the officer keenly resents having his 
results upset at the appellate level." 

Skolnick found that the police feel 
frustrated by the court's affirmation 
principles of due process and generally 
ler the appellate judiciary as "t 
tor" to its responsibility to keep the com- 
munity free from criminality. 

We hear # great deal about the profes- 
jonalization of the policeman from theo- 
тім» and lecturers in police academies, 
but on the part of the older or more 
conventional of these people, profes- 
sionalism really means the development 
of a high degree of craft skill in playing 
the role described by Skolnick—a social 
custodial offices ximum efficic 
cy and minimum social friction. This 
body of social servants, with its own 
ideology and ethic, is set over against a 
society that bears litle resemblance to 
the one that produced it in the first 
plac. To quote Thomas F. Adams, 


of 


con 


with ma 


"Field Interrogations,” Police, March- 
April, 1903: 


A. Be suspicious. This is a healthy 
police attitude, but it should be 
controlled and not too obvious. 
B. Look for the unusual 

1. Persons who do not "belong 
where they are observed. 

2. Automobiles that do not “look 
right.” 

3. Вц 
hours, or 


odd 


eses opened at 
not according to routine 


or custom. 
C. Subjects who should be subject- 
ed to field interrogations 

1, Suspicious persons known to the 
officers from previous arrests, field 
interrogations and observations. 


2. Emaciated-appearing alcohol- 
ics and. narcotics users who invaria- 
bly turn to crime to pay for cost of 
habit. 

3. Person who fils description of 
wanted suspect as described by 
radio, teletype, daily bulletins. 

4. Any person observed їп the 
immediate vicinity of a crime very 
recenily committed or reported. as 
n progress." 

5. Known 
large gatherit 

6. Persons who attempt to avoid 
or evade the ofhcer. 

т. Exaggerated unconcern 
contact with the officer. 

(continued on page 126) 


troublemakers near 


over 


123 


JIM RYUN the kansas comet 


LAST SUMMER Jim Ryun ran the world’s nd this 
summer he could conceivably break every middledistance 
track record. Beyond that, he has carried—without seeming 
corny—the ancient athletic virtues of self-punishing practice 
and genuine modesty into a decade alien to them. “Back at 
the beginning,” Ryun told PLAYBOY, with a таге note of pride, 
“I was working harder than most milers do at their peak.” 
The beginning was five years ago this past spring, when he was 
a skinny 13-y 

Wichita cach 
Paper route even in the most miserable Kansas weather (“It 
was boring,” Ryun has since said, “especially when 1 had to 
run alone”), and his no-nonsense, fundamentalist background 
had ill prepared him for wisecracking bystander reactions 
(What are you doing out in your underwear, kidz") he 
sometimes encountered, Ryun suffers from inner-ear damage 
severe enough to make the sounds of other runners and 
shouted-out quarter-mile times indistinct; but by the cnd of 
his junior year, he had become the first high schooler to run a 
sub-fourminute mile. And after deciding as a freshman at 
University of Kansas that he wouldn't try in every race to live 
up to the sportswriters’ puffery about him, Ryun even began 
to lose a little of his reticence. On the California Sunday last 
July when he took the record from France's Michel i 
3:51.3, he was relaxed. and confident enough to say, 
I win, 1 always feel I could have gone faster.” Ryun keeps 
private any predictions about his fastest potential mile, but 
it is already obvious that he can manage the hazards of fame 
as masterfully as he handled himself when he was a high 
school sophomore running alone: Commenting on the mob 
of fans he had to outrun for three blocks after the record race, 
Ryu simply, “I think the event is overemphasized.” 


LANA CANTRELL xp from down under 


WHEN sni Lana Cantrell, daughter of a Sydney, 
Australia, bass player, was already knocking them out down 
under as a soloing songstress at jazz concerts, Now 23, this 
slender, saucy Aussie with a voice that fills the room—whether 
shes playing to 300 or 3000—15 America's fastest-rising 
chanteuse. On RCA Victor's And Then There Was Lana, her 
first LP outing (sce this month's Playboy After Hours), La 
Cantrell displays а voice, all 110 percent of it, that clings 
spl, lovingly and effortlessly to а lyric. Lana сате to the 
5. three ye: as she 


WAS TE! 


rs ago, after having gone about 
lia. "I'd been on all the television variety 
ns there,” she reports, “But Australian show business 
mited, I decided it was time for а change—so here I 
am." One of her first moves in the U.S. was her best: Lana 
signed on to tour the Playboy Club circuit. “There is absolutely 
nothing like it in the world,” she says. "Working the Clubs 
taught me almost everything 1 know as а performer." А well- 
traveled young à recently represented America at the 
Polish Song Festi of Europe's increasingly prestigious 
music competitions. "I went there by myself and met some 
swinging Russians,” she says. "It was such a ball, I'd love to 
go back someday.” And the Poles would love to have her 
back: Lana walked away with first prize, singing Im All 
Smiles, With а slew of television and club dates coming up, 
Lana seems set for superstardom. Already enjoying the rewards 
of a winner, she has accumulated a pad in Manhattan's posh 
East 70s and a white Ja XKE. ("On Saturdays, I take 
the car out for exercise—sort of like walking а dog.") Her next 
step? “I want to do a Broadway show more than anything 
else,” she says. "A hit musical is the singer's symbol of success. 
The transition should be easy for showstopper Lana; music 
critics have already given her a pressbook full of rave notices. 


MICHELANGELO ANTONIONI fillet of soul 


HAVING To BEAR the name of an artistic colossus would intimi- 
date most men; film director Michelangelo Antonioni, howevé 
wears the appellation with assurance. But while his 16th 
Century namesake celebrated the divine aspects of humanity, 
the 54-year-old Antonioni—in such cinematic studies of obscure 
communication as L’Awventura, La Notte, L'Eclisse, Red Des 
ert and Blow-Up—has chosen to portray the emotior al im- 
potence of modern man in the mechanistic world he has 
fashioned. “I don't think there is any love in the world 
Antonioni declared, while asserting that anyone who “looks 
reality in the face” cannot be a pessimist. In the recent and 
highly successful Blow-Up, Antonioni’s second film in color 
nd his frst in English, a super-Mod London photographer 
discovers, by enlarging long-distance shots of a couple romanc- 
man has becn murdered; but the shock 
eventually evaporates in the fleshandpot vapidity of his life. 
The aristocratic Antonioni, a former film critic with a business 
degree who now shares a Roman apartment with his frequent 
leading lady, Monica Vitti, is so painstaking a craftsman th 
he has landscapes artificially colored to reflect his characters’ 
mental states. No fan of American movies and unconcerned 
with profit (the only material posessions in which he takes 
pride are several paintings and an Alfa Romeo), he once 
turned down a Hollywood offer when he found he would not 
ve complete autonomy. While critics debate the merits of 
his wor ntonioni trics to remain aloof; he does not like to 
expl: films, he considers cr nd regards 
actors as “cows” who must defer in all matters to the direc- 
tor's better judgment. As deliberate in speaking as in direct- 
ing, Antonioni—who claims to be amused only by sex—has 
merely hinted that his next film may be “very violent.” We 
can only hope that means another blowup is in the works. 


125 


PLAYBOY 


126 


THE FUZZ (continued por page 123) 


8. Visibly “rattled” when near 

the policeman, 
. Unescorted women or young 
girls in public places, particularly at 
night in such places as cafés, bars, 
bus and train depots or street 
corners. 

10. “Lovers” in an industrial area 
(make good lookouts). 

Il. Persons who loiter 
places where children play. 

12, Solicitors or peddlers in a resi- 
dential neighborhood. 

13. Loiterers around public rest 
rooms, 

14. Lone male sitting in car ac 
cent to schoolground with newspa- 
per or book in his lap. 

15. Lone male sitting in car near 
shopping center who pays unusual 
amount of attention to women, 
sometimes continuously manipulating 
rearview mirror to avoid direct eye 
contact. 

16. Hitchhikers. 

17. Person wearing coat on hot 


about 


days. 
18. Car with mismatched hub- 
caps, or dirty car with clean license 


plate (or vice versa) 
19. Uniformed "deliverymen" with 
no merchandise or truck. 

20. Many others. How about your 
own personal experiences? 


And Colin Maclnnes, in Mr. Love 
and Justice: 


The true copper's dominant cha 
acteristic, if the truth be known. 
neither those daring nor 
qualities that are sometimes 
uted to him by friend or enemy, but 
an ingrained conservatism and al- 
most desperate love of the conven- 
tional. It is untidiness, disorder, the 
unusual, that a copper disapproves 
of most of all: far more, even, than 
of crime, which is merely a profes- 
sional matter. Hence his profound. 
dislike of people loitering in streets, 
dressing extravagantly, speaking 
with exotic accents, being strange, 
weak, eccentric, or simply any rare 
wority—o[ their doing, in fact, 
anything that cannot be safely pre- 
dicted. 


"Then Peter J. Connell, in “Handling 
of Complaints by Police”; 


The time spent cruising one's sec- 
tor or walking one's beat is not 
wasted time, though it can become 
quite routine, During this time, the 
most important thing for the officer 
to do is notice the normal. He must 
come to know the people in hi 
area, their habits, them automobiles 
and their friends. He must learn 
what time the various shops dose, 


how much money is kept on hand 
different nights, what lights are 
usually left on, which houses are 
vacant . .. only then can he decide 
what persons or cars under what 
circumstances warrant the appella- 
tion "suspicious. 


All this was all right in a different 
world. At least the society didn't fall 
apart. What was once a mob is today a 
civil rights demonstration; oddly dressed 
people icians, students, profes 
sor, members of the new professions 
generally (half of Madison Avenue 
seems to take the subway home to 
Greenwich Village at five rr. shed the 
gray-lannel suits and basic blacks and 
get into costumes that the police believe 
are worn only by dope fiends). 

Why is the heat on all over America? 
For exactly the same reason it has 
always gone on in an American city after 
an outbreak of social disorder, a shock- 
ing crime or a sudden a the crime 
rate. The police feel that the 
h a situation that is slipping away 
from their control, and they are us 
the methods, most of them е 


Where the police once con 
unassimilated groups of the 


poor, they now face an unass 
subculture of the college-educated—unas- 


similable certainly by their own stand- 


ards. Homosexuality, once a profitable 
ukedown and a chance to 


source of sl 
release a few repressions, is now 
open and, in fact, tolerated. There are 
articles in theological magazines about 
rch's responsibility to the homo- 
and an interfaith organization 
to implement such responsibility—"ho- 
mophile" organizations of both men and 
women stage national conventions ad 
dressed by notabilitics in law, psychiatry 
and sociology and even by a few cnlighi 
ened police officers. Such organizations 
recently sued the State of California to 
gain the right to operate a booth at the 
state fair. 

Racially mixed couples ате common 
on the streets of every Northern city and 
are beginning to appear in the South, 
and they are far more likely today to be 
students or professional people than der 
izens of the underworld. Outlandish cos- 
tume has become the uniform of youth 
all over the world who are in moral 
revolt against the predatory society. 

Today. when extra- and prema 
is a commonplace, from grammar school 
to the senior citizens’ clubs, we forget 
that a few individuals are still serving 
sentences in American prisons for forni 
cation, adultery and oral sex between 
men and women; but the police have not 
forgotten—most of them, anyway. A 


1 sex 


weekly bookreview section that once 
refused advertising of any book what- 
soever by Kenneth Patchen or Henry 
Miller now runs a “cover story” on Story 
of О, a detailed, graphic description of 
the most extreme sadomasochism, homo- 
sexuality and “deviance.” There are 
regular underground movie houses that 
publicly show movies that would shock 
even policemen at a departmental 
smoker. Duc to their seriousness of in- 
tent, they still horrify the police, but in 
а new way. 

Adolescent Negro prostitutes їп San 
Francisco, when arrested, "go limp" and 
put up long, highly sophisticated argu- 
ments for legalized prostitution and do 
everything but sing We Shall Overcome. 
I must say that the police with whom 1 
have talked who have been involved in 
such situations have enough sense of 
humor to think it’s all just hilarious. 

At one time, marijuana and the var- 
s pharmaceutical kicks were part of a 
hard dope subculture and unquestio 
bly led in some instances directly to 
heroin addiction—"Whatsa matter, you 
Y When you going to graduate? 
This is certainly no longer truc, The 
squares and the oldies have no con- 
ception of how common the use of 
marijuana is among the young. Pickup 
and putdown pills are used by every- 
body to sleep or to wake up; and we have 
just gone through a craze for halluc 
nogens that seems to be leveling oll. It is 
my impression that this has been accom- 
panied by a proportionate decline in the 
use of heroin, except, possibly, in certain 
sections of New York City. Although 
large numbers of informed people be- 
lieve that marijuana is harmless and that 
worst of the other drugs cause 
neither delirium tremens, polyncuritis, 
extensive brain damage nor lung cancer, 
the police, caged on by some of the press, 
persist in treating all users of all drugs 
and intoxicants except alcohol and nico- 
tine as narcotics addicts 

Everybody talks back to the cops 
today. This “disrespect for law" has two 
contradictory sources—the general crim- 
ty that seeps through all American 
business and politics, and the growth of 
a new culture of revolt against precisely 
this “business ethic.” In a sense, the 
police are caught in the middle of a class 
war, a war between antagonistic moral, 
rather than economic, class 

Most. policemen come from conserva- 
tive levels of the society, lowermiddl 
and working class families that have pre- 
served an authoritarian sru 
fundamentalist religion and puritanical 
attitude toward sex and а fear and con- 
tempt for any nonconformist behavi 
The great majority of patrolmen in 
America have no more than a high 
school education, and that in substand- 
ard schools. 

An additional 


€ and 


т. 


factor seldom taker 


PLAYBOY 


128 them. Both comm 


account of is the class hostility of the 
people on this social level for the edu- 
cated, sophisticated and affluent generally, 
and most especially for those to whom the 
proper definition of bohemianism espe- 
cially applies, those who mimic the hab- 
its of the idle rich without possessing 
their money or their reserves of power 
and who forgo the commonly accepted 
necessities of life to enjoy the luxuries. 
This kind of personality is specifically 
designed to outrage the type of police- 
man who is likely to be suspicious of 
anybody who drinks cognac instead of 
bourbon or who smokes Turkish ciga- 
теце, much less someone who thinks 
Juan Marichal must be an obscure Span- 
ish poet. 

At one time, the great web of police 
custodial care could isolate such types in 
reenwich Village or the Near North 
Side or North Beach. Today they are 
everywhere and increasing geometrical- 
ly. If all of their activities, from peddling 
poetry on the streets or marching in 
demonstrations to smoking marijuana 
and attending nude parties, were sudden- 
ly to become accepted, the police forces 
of the country would be threatened with 
mass nervous breakdown. This may be 


one of those processes of historical 
istance of the past 


change where the 
is not altogether valueless. For instance, 
laws against the possession of marijuana 
ha become practically unenforceable. 
И everyone who smokes grass were ar 
rested, we'd have to build concentration 
«amps all over the country, Yet even to 
day it would be quite impossible to 1c- 
galize marijuana by referendum. It is 
doubtful that many of the 
lators of this country would have the 
guts 10 go on record as уо! ona 
Jaw such as the British one ig the 
criminality of homosexual acts between 
consenting adults. 

The most dangerous social tension be- 
tween police and people is certainly 
race relations. The most enlighte 
lice chief, with the aid of the most dedi- 
cated commun ns detail, cannot 
control the policeman on the beat in hi 
personal relations with ignorant, poor 
id obstreperous members of а race th 
he does not understand. The only sol 
tion for this within the police force is 
education and the cha 
pressures. As one police officer said, “We 
1 use the word nigger in the squad 
room. You'd be looked on as a kook if 
you didn't, but 1 won't let my kids use 
it at home,” 

Another obvious but unmentionable 
factor: Of all the ethnic groups in Ameri- 
‚ the Irish and the Negro put the 
greatest value on combativeness. The 
Chicago social group most like the South 
Side Trish of James Farrell's novels is 
precisely the Negroes who replaced 
hities were organized 


around mutual interpersonal hostil 
a way of life. 

Most chiefs of police rise directly from 
the ranks and are often less well educat- 
ed than the new generation of rookies. 
Most city charters forbid the recruitment 
of managerial officers from outside the 
force. What this means is that the pre- 
cinct captains are men from a less 
enlightened age who have risen by 
seniority to that point and are not com- 
petent to go further, They are the real 
bottlenecks and they can defeat all the 
efforts of an enlightened chief and police 
commission in their own bailiwicks. 

The paramilitary structure of the 
police force is such that it is exceedingly 
difficult to create a board of review, 
office of complaints or of hu 
tions within the force that will not be 
dominated by police politics and civil- 
service inertia. This is the reason for the 
ever-growing demand lor outside sur- 
veillance—civilian policing of the рој 

Most cities now have police boards of. 
various sorts, but these are made up of 
welltodo businessmen and politicians 
and seldom meet more than a couple of 
hours once a week and have at best only a 
small secretarial staff. Negro members are 
usually lawyers and politicians or pastors 
of respectable churches, It would be pos- 
sible to totally reorganize such commis- 
sions, make them representative, 
them power and a large wor 

Within the police force 
possible to set up an inspector general's 
office, outside the chain of command, 
that would process, investigate and act 
on nts. This is the 
common proposal of the more enlight- 
ened spokesmen fiom w the police 
system. 

It would be possible to sct up in cach 
city an Ombudsman office with the job 
of clearing all manner of citizens’ dissat- 
isfactions with the functioning of the city 
and its employees. This has worked in 
Scandinavia, whence the word comes; but 
the vision of pandemonium that the 
prospect of such an American office con- 
jures up is [rightening. It is doubtful 
that it would be possible to get people to 
take the jobs, and certainly not to stay 
on them. 

A civilian review board, either elected 
or appointed by the mayor from com- 
pletely outside all political apparatus, 
would be ideal, but the very terms con- 
п à contradiction. How is this going to 


ity as 


give 


come about? It is a popular proposal 
with the civil rights organizations and 
the one most fervently resisted by the 
police. Although it is true, as 


ауага 
Rustin says, that it would protect the un- 
justifiably accused officer, it would strip 
naked the paramilitary structure that the 
police consider essential, not just to their 


it would reveal all those aspects of police- 
work the police consider most essential, 


the dandestine extralegal oncs. 

In some cities, Seattle and Los An- 
geles among them, the civil rights organi- 
zations have set up civilian patrols that 
prowl the prow] cars. They follow the 
police and stand by during arrest, polite- 
ly and usually silendy. They must be 
made up of citizens of all races, or of un- 
mpeachable respectability, who are will- 
ng to donate eight hours at least once a 
week to difficult and unpleasant work. 
Obviously, they will obtain from the 
officers in the patrol cars the most clabo- 
rate compliance with all the amenities of 
the etiquette of arrest, How much effect 
this has in the long run is questionabl 
and by its nature, a civilian patrol pro- 
gram is not likely to endure beyond a 
few critical months. People are unlikely 
to engage in such activity night after 
night, year after year. 

What is the best of these alternatives? 
Only experience can tell. If we were to 
set up in American cities a kind of neigh- 
borhood civil militia that checked on all 
police activity, we would soon find tha 
we had created a police system like that 
of the Russians, in which the 
the police and their party and neighbor- 
hood representatives function as agents 
of public order and education in social 
ethics. This may be an estimable theory 
of how to п a society, but it is 
total contradiction to every principle of 
British-American law and social oi 
zation. We do not want the police as cus- 
todians, but as instruments of a law that 
regards all men as equal and at liberty to 
run their affairs to suit themselves 
long as they do not inflict damage on 
others. 

The police spokesmen are perfectly 
right in saying that what should be done 
is to truly professionalize policework. 
This means changing the class foun 
tion of the police force itself. A profes 
sional is a man with a salary at least 
comparable with that of a small-town 
dentist, with at least one college degree, 
with an advanced technical and, the 
same time, broadly humanistic education 
nd whose work demands that he keep 
abreast of its latest. developments. The 
thought of turning all the policemen in 
America into such persons staggers the 
1 However, the nui 
fession, which by and la 
from exactly the same level of society 
as the police, has been professionalized 
in one generation in everything but sala- 
ry. An executive nurse in a bigcity 
health department may have more years 
of college than most of the doctors work- 
ing with her. She is lucky, indeed, if she 
makes $800 a month. 

What is the answer? I have no ide 
This is one of those many regions of frus- 
tration that are spreading across all of 
modern life, blotches on the skin of a 
body that is sick within with a sickness 


law and 


of which all di І suppose 
society will smell its way to some sort of 
solution, muddle through the muddle. 
This is not a very hopeful prognostica- 
tion for what is, after all, one aspect of a 
grave crisis; but none of the other prog- 
nostications about any of the other 
aspects are hopeful, either. 

A friend who read this article said, 
“The ending should be stronger. If the 
answer is to upgrade or professionalize 
the police forces, then that is the ending 
and the answer.” 

It has been said of Americans that 
they lack а tragic sense of life, that they 
are metaphysical optimists. There always 
must be an answer. The trouble is that 
there isn't. Our entire civilization is in a 
general crisis and seems incapable of pro- 
ducing any answers—nudear disirma- 
ment or birth control. Rhodesia or the 
Common Market, cows in India and 
marijuana in American high schools 
things are breaking down all over. Why 
should there be an answer to the problem 
оГ police brutality and extralegal be- 
havior? 

I have before me an article from the 
Yale Law Journal. The well-meaning, 
mild-mannered law professor tells a story 
of petty police harassment and insulting 
stopping and questioning that he has en- 
countered throughout a lifetime of going 
peaceably about his business. Не pro- 
poses a code of conduct t be adopted 
by city police forces, Eight points of or- 
dinary legality and courtesy—but strictly 
belling the cat. There are all sorts of 
lovely solutions, long-term solutions— 
but there is no long term lelt, Things get 
worse faster The 
professionalizing of policework would 
require a generation of time, billions of 
dollars and а revolution. in American 
morality. America deserves. the 
cops it has produced. The pity of it is, it 
is the people who c et into that soci- 
ety or who want out of it who get it 
in the neck. 

The brutal fact is—the cops won't 
learn, or they can’t learn fast enough 
The Sunset Strip, coming shortly after 
Watts, shows that conclusively. Since 
the police have decided to treat the ma- 
jority of the population—that is, those 
under 30—as common criminals and 
rioters, the only thing to do is to adopt 
the protective behavior of the common 
criminali “Keep your nose clean and 
don't volunteer.” Carry the phone num. 
ber of a lawyer And, 
most important, say nothing whatever 
except, "Please permit me to phone my 
lawyer." Allen Ginsberg used to carry a 
pocket tape recorder and turned it on 
whenever he was stopped by the police, 
which was at least once a week. That's 
good if you can afford it 


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130 


JUDAISM (continued from page 74) 


theologians remain faithful to the Christ 
and his mission; Jewish theologians re- 
main faithful to the Torah and its tradi- 
tion. Our loyalty is not slavish, but we 
are convinced there must be some order 
and structure if life is to be viable, Every 
parent knows that the most certain way 
to destroy a child is to permit him to do 
exactly as he pleases. Insightful norms 
do not impede realistic freedom; they 
make it possible. 

Ts it true that if God is dead, all things 
are permissible? As I read the Protestant 
death-of-God theologians, I find there is 
one prophet of the death of God they 
tend to ignore: Sigmund Freud. Freud 
intensely interested іп religion 
throughout his life. Early in his career, 
he offered—in Totem and Taboo—his 
theory of the origin of religion. Accord 
ing to Freud, religion began with the 
murder of God. Of course, Freud main- 
tained that what we call God is actually 
а heavenly projection of a primordial 
father figure. In both Totem and Taboo 
and Moses and Monotheism, Freud saw 
the origin of religion in an archaic, 
cannibalistic act of parricide at the begin- 
ning of human civilization. He postulated 
that originally men dwelt in small 


was 


a 

бү, EE че 

Ayr pru au dd HF 
SEP ZA T 


hordes, dominated by a tyrannical pa- 
triarch who had exclusive sexual access 
to the females of the horde. As each son 
became a potential sexual rival, the pri- 
mal father murdered, castrated or exiled 
him. Driven by common sexual need, the 
exiled sons finally overwhelmed and 
murdered their father. Their objective 
was to displace him and g 
possession of his females. 
According to Freud, their victory was 
to prove bitter and ironic. Once the son 
murdered the father, they were too guilt- 
ridden to acknowledge their own deed. 
They did what men have done all too 
often. They denied their crime and tried 
to suppress conscious memory of the 
deed. Once dead, the father proved an 
infinitely greater source of terror than 
when alive. Because the sons attempted 
to suppress the memory, they conducted 
themselves as if the father were still 
alive. The dead father was speedily trans- 
formed by the sons into the omnipotent 
Father-God. The fear of God and the 
desire to obey His laws were rooted in 
the original violence against His person. 
1. according 10 Freud, is none other 
than the first victim of human parricide. 


pr 


“Aw right, youse guys... tempus fugits...! 


The sons murdered the primal father 
to possess his females. They soon learned 
that they could not have unlimited sex- 
ual access to the females, as had the fa- 
ther, without killing cach other out of 
envy or rivalry. They quickly realized 
that some instrumentality had to be de- 
vised whereby sexual desire would not 
disrupt social structure. According to 
Freud, the sons instituted the law of exo: 
amy at this point, to restrain themselves 
from doing to cach other what they had 
done to their father. Having murdered 
the father to gain sexual freedom, the 
sons were forced to impose upon them- 
selves the same prohibitions he had im- 
posed upon them. They decreed, as had 
the father, that they would have to seck 
sexual partners outside of their imme- 
diate social group. They had been under 
the illusion that if only they could rid 
themselves of the father, they would find 
ioral sexual freedom. It didn't work. 
They sadly discovered that it is neither 
the father nor God, but reality itself, that 
imposes behavioral limitations upon us. 

Freud's myth of rel s has 
been subject to devastating scientific 
criticism. It is far less significant as an 
auempt to in the origin of religion 
than for its capacity to lend insight into 
the necessity of law, discipline and struc- 
ture for the social proces. Every child 
magines that it must keep clean, refrain 
from biting and soiling and maintain 
regular hours solely because parents in- 
sist. But sooner or later, he learns that 
life is impossible without sell 
disciplines. I do not sce the Torah 
arbitrary imposition that limits my free- 
dom. I see it as a summation of the wis- 
dom and experience of past generations. 
Very often І have learned through bitter 
experience what 1 could have learned 
with infinitely less pain had 1 paid seri- 
ous attention to the book, Of course, T 
^c that we live in a time when people 
are more disposed to learn their lessons 
through trial and error than through tra 
dition. As a college chaplain, 1 continual- 
ly admonish parents, "Get off your child's 
back. The only way he'll lcam is by 
finding out himself." We couldn't do it 

пу other way in America, but we pay a 
high price in emotional distress and 
wrecked lives. Jam not at all sure that 


other societies that make the rules of the 
game more explicit aren't better off than 
we are. Whether the rules are handed 


down or learned experimentally, we 
have taken Ivan Karamuzov's specula- 
tion too seriously. It is simply not true 
that if God is dead, all things are pe 
ted. The loss of God is not a happy event 
that liberates man; it is a sad event that 
makes the task of maintaining the slen- 
1 decency 


infinitely more difficult. 
The great German theologi 


1 Dietrich 


Bonhoeffer, writing from a Nazi prison 
shortly before his martyrdom, was preoc- 
cupied with the problem of what to say 
of God in a time of no religion. I believe 
that our problem is what to say of reli- 
gion in a time of no God. Neither Jewish 
nor stian radical theologians are 
atheists, They have not withdrawn from 
a very deep commitment to and involve- 
ment in their religious communities. 
Contemporary radical theology will fail 
to havc any significance unless it faces 
the question of what religious life can 
mean in the time of the death of God. 
Every radical theologian been 
asked, “If you believe as you do, why do 
you stay in business?” I believe the an- 
swer lies in the direction of a new pagan- 
ism that uses the traditional language 
and liturgy of the established religious 
communities to its own purposes. Lest 1 
be misunderstood, I do not mean by pa- 
ganism anything as vulgar as the pagan 
ism of Cecil B. De Mille's extravaganzas. 
The idea of paganism unfortunately coi 
jures up images of temple orgies and 
nude dancing girls. In reality, paganism 
was originally a religious movement 
predicated on man’s deep understanding 
that he is a child of earth who is des- 
tined to live his brief span and return to 
carth. Paganism is the religion of nature, 
Judaism and Christianity are religions of 
history. If we can no longer believe 
the God of history without praising Him 
for Auschwitz, we can believe in the old- 
new divinities of earth and ure, Pa- 
ganism never proclaimed a belief in an. 
omnipotent God who controlled all hu- 
шап events toward some meaningful 
historical goal, as did Judaism and Chris- 
tianity. Paganism was a religion, but a 
nontheistic one. It celebrated the major 
events in the year’s calendar, as well as 
the decisive events in the timetable of 
the individual's life from birth to death, 
I define religion as the way we share the 
decisive events and crises of 
cordance with the hi 
institutions of our imherited communi 
ties. Religion need have little or not 
to do with what a man believes about 
God. We turn to religion for those rituals 
that are appropriate for such ded 
crises as birth, adolescence, marriage, 
the confession of guilt, the changing of 
the seasons and death. No one, for exam- 
ple, has to believe in an omnipotent God 
to be married in a church or synagogue. 
When this decisive turning point comes, 
most of us feel that it must be celebrated 
with more seriou: and dignity than a 
ceremony at city hall can offer. We turn 
to the church or synagogue for every im- 
portant crisis of our life spans. When we 
do, nobody cares very much about what 
we believe. The religion most of us prac- 
tice is paganism. We have become pagan 
in fact, though we remain divided into 


has 


“It all started with doing imitations of James Cagney.” 


Protestant, Catholic and Jewish pagans 
and most of us continue to follow the in- 
herited traditions into which we were 
born. 

Sharing the crises of life is mot the 
only reason most Americans become 
members of a church or synagogue in 
the time of the death of. God. American 
society is too big and impersor 
one to feel a sense of community outside 
of small groups. The phenomenon Nat 
Hentoff has described as The Cold Soci- 
ety (rLAYmov, September 1966) is very 
relevant. All of us nced a sense of com- 
munity. Only the seriously disturbed find 
greater warmth in gadgets than jn the 
fellowship of their peers, Since World 
War Two, there has been a spectacular 
increase hoth in the number of churches 
and in church membership. There has 
been little, if any, increase in religious 
belief. Another need has been met by 
the proliferation of religious institutions. 
It is the necd for a significant communi- 
ty in which the individual is more than a 
number or an IBM card. The churches 
and synagogues do not always serve the 
need for community as well as they 
might, but they are among the few insti- 
tutions in America making an honest 
effort. 

I think I [ecl somewhat more at home 
in my religious community as a Jewish 
radical theologian than do some of my 
friends who are Christian radical theolo- 


gians. Hamilton says he is searching for 
а new religious langu new 
liturgy. I am not. 1 am perfectly content 
with the old language and the old litur- 
Бу. ОГ course, I am very liberal in the 
way I interpret it. As a matter of fact, in 
the time of the death of God, I suspect 
we need the old liturgies more than ever. 
Just as Altizer and Hamilton have a те- 
newed appreciation of the Messiah in 
the time of the death of God, I have a 
renewed appreciation for the Torah and 
the traditions of Isracl. If we have lost 
God, we need the discipline and guid- 
ance of our traditions more than ever. 
Mysticism is also a very real option in 
the time of the death of God. Like pa- 
ganism, mysticism has been the subject 
of much confusion in recent times. The 
mystic is not a hazy irrationalist yearning 
for an incommunicable revelation, Fun- 
damentally, mystics are convinced that 
God is the source out of which we have 
come and with which we must ultimate- 
ly be reunited. 1 suspect that тууй 
was the vehicle through which paganism 
led an underground life in both Judaism 
and Christianity for the past 2000 years. 
The pagan sees all human existence as 
an expression of the earth’s fruitfulness. 
Earth is the cannibal mother who gives 
birth to the fruit of her womb only so 
that she may ultimately consume it. For 
the mystic, God is the holy nothingness 
out of which we have come and to which 
we must return. The vocabularies of 


131 


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mysticism and paganism are somewhat 
diflerent, but their basic perspective on 
the human condition is largely the same. 

There are many indications of the re- 
newed strength of mystical religion in 
our time, There may be some faddism 
involved in the interest in Zen Bud- 
dhism, for example, in the Western 
world since World War Two, but it is 
not all fad. Much of it has been a search 
ing for new religious paths once 
understood that the God of traditional 
theism was dead and, as Paul h 
said, deserved to die. In Judaism, there 
has been a revival of interest in Hasidism 
and Jewish mysticism, largely because 
of the writings of Martin Buber. Neither 
ticism nor paganism requires а per- 
sonal God: The God of both is the source 
out of which we have come and to which 
we must return. I believe that the time 
of the death of God will mean not only a 
renewal of paganism, it will also bring 
about a renewal of mysticism. My own 
deepest belief 1s that God is the hol 
nothingness, our source and our fi 
home, Omnipotent nothingness is Lord 
of all creation. The old personal God of 
theism has been lost; the God of myst 
cal religion will be renewed in the 
of the death of God. 

All radical theologians recognize that 
they are children of the same time, re- 
sponding to similar issues and talking 
a very similar language. As Jews and 
Christians, we are separated by much 
that has always separated Jewish and 


[3 


somehow dissolved i 
we study each other's works, as we con- 
verse about man and God, as we explore 
the meaning of our religious quest, we 
recognize at the deepest levels that we 
are contemporaries, sharing our time on 
earth together. I felt a cold chill when, 
October 1965, I learned of the death 
of Paul Tillich. I was in Warsaw at the 
time. І had attended Tillich’s lectures at 
Harvard and had been more deeply 
fluenced by him than by any other 
American theologian, Jewish or Chri 
tian. I knew that day in Warsaw that the 
burden of exploring the theological 
meaning of contemporary American lile 
would fall largely то those who had been 
‘Tillich’s pupils. 1 was not the least su 
prised when I noted that Altizer and 
Hamilton had dedicated their book to 
Tillich's memory. As Altizer has said, 
Paul Tillich the father of contempo- 
rary radi theology. Death-of-God the- 
ology is the inevitable dialectic result of 
the theology of Tillich. Having had a 
common teacher, contemporary radical 
theologians, both Jewish and Christi 
address a common set of problems. We 
cannot, becuse of our ancesual inherit- 
in similar affirmations, but 


ances, concu 


PLAYBOY FORUM (continued from pace 46) 


so much more in this field than we did a 
few years ago. The frigid wife is an un- 
fortunate woman who needs help. Her 
husband should see that she gets the 


necessary treatment, 
complaining about his lot. 

Myra A. Josephs, Ph.D. 

| Juan, Puerto Rico 

I was disturbed by the letter from the 

man in Kansas with a frigid wife (The 


Playboy Forum, February). As a wife 
myself, and а registered nurse, I would 
1 to tell this couple: Run, don't walk, 
to the nearest gynecologist. Any woman 
who has remained frigid after six yea 
of marriage, and who states tha 
only sensation she experiences in inter- 
course is pa in desperate need of 
medical attention. A good gynecologist 
could quickly determine whether the wife 
needs а small operation, hormone асас 
ments or any of several successful medi- 
cal therapies for this condition. 

"The important point is that medical 
attention is the first approach to curing 
frigidity. Americans have been so hypno- 
tized by the popularity of parlor psy- 
choanalysis that they tend to believe that 
frigidity is always а psychological prob 
Jem, which requires years of expensive 
“depth analysis” and which may never 
be cured. In fact, this condition often 
yields to quick and inexpensive medical 
treatmei 


(Name withheld by request) 
Grand Rapids, Mich 
Dr. Sophia Klecgman, of the New 
York University Medical Centers. De- 
partment of Gynecology, has reported 
that 85 percent of women who feel pain 
during intercourse suffer from “adverse 
anatomic local conditions.” We agree, as 
would any competent psychiatrist, that 
а thorough medical examination should 
precede psychiatric treatment, to establish 
whether а disorder has a physical cause. 
But Dr. Kleegman’s estimate of 85 
percent applies only when there is pain 
during intercourse. Frigidily unaccom- 
panied by pain does not “often” yield to 
medical treatment, as you assert. In 
“The Power of Sexual Surrender,” Dr. 
Marie N. Robinson addresses the frigid 
woman as follows; “Frigidity is, т the 
vast majority of cases, essentially a psy- 
chological problem. The only way it can 
be approached with any hope of resolv 
ing it is through the mind, by under- 
standing it. Anybody who tells you 
differently is, to put il plainly and 
simply, wrong.” 


HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS AND THE PILL 

The noted and very opinionated Dr. 
Margaret Mead recently participated in 
a three-day public forum in San Fran- 
1 had some outspoken views on 
nd the pill. 


cisco 
teenagers 


"We've got to be prepared to give 
contraceptives to high school girls,” she 
declared. She believes this to be neces- 
sary even if the usc leads to sexual prom- 
uity, because “it is far more desirable 
than pregnancy - - . and it is better than 
illegitimacy, abortions and, as important, 
unhappy marriages. 

Does PLAYBOY a h Dr. Mead? 

H. Kligerman 
San Francisco, California 


Yes. 


MORNING.AFTER PILL 

There has been a lot of talk about 
the Sexual Revolution. According to 
anthropologist Melvin Perlman, who 
spoke at Berkeley a short while ago, 
the present revolution is nothing com- 
pared with the one that will follow the 
latest development in  contraceptives— 
the morning-after pill. This, he ex- 
plained, will mean that girls сап safely 
say yes, without having to feel that their 
assent was premeditated. This will elimi- 
nate the guilt many now feel about 
taking the pill before they are sure 
it will be needed. 

What a rel will be when there's a 
edication that does not offend the 
female's sensibility but safeguards her 
security. 


Stan Goldberg 
San Francisco, California 


CATHOLICS AND CONTRACEPTION 
Regarding the letters on the rhythm 
method of birth control (The Playboy 
Forum, April): The real tragedy of this 
method is that, after such enormous sac- 
rifices and sufferings, а couple still can- 
not be reasonably sure of success. You 
pointed out that the Planned Parenthood 
Federation says that the rhythm method 
is only 65 percent to 80 percent effective, 
actually, if "s cycle is less 
perfect ape, effectiveness can 
be much lower than that. 
а Levine 
Brooklyn, New York. 
Yes. And we also pointed out that a 
sociological established 
that "Catholic wives complying with the 
Church's ban on contraceptives had. de- 
clined from 70 percent in 1955 to 62 
percent in 1960 and 47 percent lust. 
year.” Since this report was published, a 
survey by Newsweek indicates addition- 
al disaffection among Catholics regard- 
ing the rhythm method: 


recent surve 


Nothing about their Church trou- 
bles American Catholics more than 
its opposition to artificial methods 
of birth control. Catholics, and 
young married couples in particu- 
lar, regard the ban as by far the 
most difficult of the Church's teach- 
ings lo live up to—and many have 
given up trying. Large numbers are 


impatiently waiting for the Church 
to relax its injunction against birth- 
control pills and devices. 

Fully 73 percent of those inter- 
viewed in the Newsweek survey 
want a change in the birth-control 
regulations. Bui even more dramatic 
is the overwhelming sentiment for 
reform among college graduates 
(81 percent for change) and among 
those who are under 35 and conse- 
quently bearing most of the chil- 
dren (89 percent want change) . . . 

At present, the Vatican sanctions 
only two forms of birth control— 
total abstinence from sexual inter 
couse and vestricling intercourse to 
times when the woman cannot con- 
ceive—the rhythm method. Not 
surprisingly, most Catholics reject 
total abstinence as a solution . . . 

Not many Catholics find the 
rhythm method satisfactory either. 
Only 18 percent of those inter- 
viewed thought rhythm was effec- 
tive as much as 73 percent of the 
time, while more than half said it 
had failed for them personally. 


CATHOLICS AND ABORTION 

Recently, the Stanford chapter of the 
California Committee to Legalize Abor- 
tion conducted a poll of students to find 
out attitudes on abortion. The over- 
whelming majority were 
cent of those polled were i 
allowing women to have abo 
the first three months of p 
Catholic students were almost as liber 
50 percent were in favor of such 
tions. The official Church poli 
ly way out of line with the thi 
its younger members. 


iberal: 72 per- 
favor of 


PRAISE FROM PURDUE 
I have just finished reading all four 
booklet reprints of The Playboy Philoso- 
phy and found it refreshing and stimu- 
lating. 1 have often quoted Hefner in my 
marriage course and have used many of 
his insights in my counseling with 
students. 
Н. Richard Rasmusson, 
All.Student. Church 
Pardue University 
West Lafayette, Indiana 


Dircctor 


THEOLOGICAL FORUM 


sions of theology. Theology has too long 
been a stulfy and abstract study pursued 
in ivory towers. To bring it into the secu 
lar world is to put it where it belongs. A 
religious orientation is of great impor- 
tance to secular man. 
Peter M. Holdorf 
Assistant Chaplain 
University of Rochester 
Rochester, New York 


133 


PLAYBOY 


134 


THE NEED FOR DIALOG 

In the April Playboy Forum, a reader 
quoted a misleading newspaper article 
that referred 10 me as the “Playboy 


Priest" I regret the appellation, which 
E 


cks of journalistic cleverness. More 
iportant, the article, if misread or mis- 
interpreted, could imply that 1 have 
wholeheartedly set my seal of approval 
on The Playboy Philosophy. The article 
gives my reasons for being concerned 
with rLaynoy, but it does not give my 
many reservations. 

In the lecture from which the quota- 
tions were taken, I drew a sharp contrast 
between Hefner and psychologist Erich 
Fromm. The reporter omitted this from 
tory. 1 believe that both Hefner and 
m bring up vital issues in modern 

i s solutions to 
the problems of love und sex, however, 
seem more realistic to me than do Hef- 
ner’s—if I understand the latter correctly- 

I do thank Hefner for his stark frank- 
ness, his ability to raise relevant ques- 
tions and his concern for the “real” as 
it exists. Although I cannot agree with 
many of his ideas, 1 recognize him as 
man who speaks to an estimated 
14,000,000 people a month, This is a sig- 
cant fact. 


May both of us keep in mind the pene- 
trating words of the late Albert Camus: 
“The world needs real dialog . . . false- 
hood is just as much the oppesite of 
dialog as silence . . . the only possible 
dialog is the kind between people who 
remain what they are and speak their 
minds.” 


Father Augustine Wilhelmy 
Passionist Fathers. 
Warrenton, Missouri 


JUDAIC RECONSTRUCTIONISM 

Harvey Cox’ stimulating article Re- 
volt in the Church (eLavuoy, January) is 
written in the fearless style we haye 
come to expect of him. It may interest 
your readers to know that the rethinking 
d innovation going on in the Christian 
church has its counterpart in Judaism in 
a movement called Reconstruction 
By the death-of God movement—and by 
the way the mas iken this 
movement. up—modern n shown 
that he has learned a great deal in recent 
years. What a man does today—not what 
he believes or claims to believe—is the 
acid test of authentic religion. one 
of the most wonderful things that have 
happened in church and synagogue for 
centuries. God calls man to a new and 


“You know too much!” 


hitherto undreamed-of religious maturity. 

Rabbi Alan W. Miller 

New York, New York 

An article dealing with “Judaism and 

the Death of God," by Rabbi Richard L- 

Rubenstein, chaplain to Jewish students 

at the University of Pittsburgh, appears 
elsewhere in this issuc. 


PLAYMATES IN BLACK AND WHITE 
Ayn Rand, in her letter in the April 
Playboy Forum, says the artistic “inter- 
pretations" of the Playmate that you 
published in January “symbolize the ex- 
act opposite” of what the Playmate is 
supposed to stand for; i.c., the idea "that 
sex should be regarded as a proper, inno- 
cent, inspiring part of [man's] life. 
Apparently, when she looked at the 
works of art you published, they didn't 
say, to her, what she thought they 
should say. So she decided they must be 
ing "the exact opposite.” Miss Rand 
using terms such as “contra- 
nd “exact opposite,” because. 
they fit in with her either /or approach to 
the universe. She sees everythin 
black and white. What she doesn’t un- 
derstand is that а good interpretation, 
which is an explanation or expression of 
something, brings out shades and colors. 
An interpretation can be a complex, sub- 
Ue, original statement not reducible to 
simple terms. A work of art that limited 
itself to saying "sex is good” or "sex is 
bad” would probably be rather oversim- 
ple and unsatisfying—like one of Miss 
Rand’s novels. 


Lee Rubini 
New York, New York 


HEFNER DAY 
Dr. Ira Reiss, author of Premarital 
Sexual Standards іп America, recently 
pointed out on television a major virtue 
of the revolution in sexual attitudes thit 
rLaynoy exemplifies. As а result, he 
explained, of the increasingly open dis 
cussion of sex and sexual problems, the 
psychological cost of violating sexual 
abstinence decreased. The sales of 
PLAYBOY, he said, prove the extent to 
which people today accept Hefner's 
ideas. He forecasts сусп greater strides 
forward in the next 
10 or 20 years, America would hold the 
same sexual attitudes as Sweden docs 
today. 
When that time comes, I suggest that 
a national annual holiday be declared in 
honor of Hefner and his leadership 
this movement toward enlightenment. 
Don Bradley 
Scranton, Pennsylva 


LOOKING FOR ANSWERS 

1 was deeply impressed with sociolo 
st William Liu's letter (“The Mystery ol 
Sex," The Playboy Forum, May). Profes- 
sor Liu’s confession of ignorance is a pro- 
found statement of the attitude of the 
true scientist and reminds me of a 


evealing anecdote about the late Alfred 
Kinsey, as told by Wardell Pomeroy in 
An Analysis of Human Sexual Response. 
^ psychologist, who had applied for 


position as interviewer, was turned down 
by Dr. Kinsey with the words, "You 
don't really want to do sex research.” 


"But I do,” the psychologist insisted. 
"Well, look at your attitudes,” 
Kinsey. “You say masturbation is imma 

premarital intercourse 
míul to marr 
iormal and animal coi 


ture, 
marital intercourse ha 


homosexu 


lity a 


tacts ludicrous. You already know all 
the answers, so why waste time on 
research?" 


It is this kind of willingness to look for 
answers, instead of claiming that the 
swers have already been found, that 
makes The Playboy Philosophy so 
valuable, Keep up the good work. 
Mark Sanders 
New York, New York 


ARE HOMOSEXUALS PSYCHOPATHIC? 
In August 1965, I entered the United 
з as an immi it. I am a homosex 
and was a little perturbed at the 
rumors І had heard of the absurd Ameri- 
can prejudice against homosexuality, but 
I knew that in Illinois (my destination), 
homosexual acts in private between con 
senting adults were nor Шс; 
sumed, therefore, that the state w 
far as Western civilizations go, quite far 
advanced. I signed the usual immigra- 
tion forms, stating that 1 had never be 
arrested, did not intend to overthrow the 
Government or break the law, etc, 
truthfully. A month. afier my 
however, the statutes govern 
on were changed to bar 
tes from being admitted. 
Now I notice that the Immigration 
Service is attempting to deport а Са- 
nadian homosexual, who entered the 
country before September 1965. on the 
rounds that à 1952 law excludes anyone 
with а “psychopathic personality.” Ap- 
parently, the Service argues that a homo- 
sexual is automatically psychopathic. 1 
have never so considered myself, nor 10 
my knowledge have any of the people 
h whom I € ever been contact. 
Living in Illinois, I am breaking no laws, 
and the work I am doing here is both 
good and useful. Yet, under this ruling, 
1 could be deported as "undesi; * 


immi- 
xual 


pl 
Congress undoubtedly has the right to 


е 


«dude whomever it pleases from the 
United States, bur. by labeling homosex- 
uals psychopathic. it reflects alo on 
the ^ homosexuals 
bor in this “land of the free’ 
and on many celebrated American. per- 
sonalitics. One wonders how long it will 
all nonconformists are labeled. 
hic" by definition. 

(Name withheld by request) 

Chicago, Illinois 

In the case of the Canadian immi- 
grant, the United States Court of Ap- 


be belon 
"psychopa 


peals for the Second Circuit upheld the 
Immigration Service's ruling, and the 
case now awaits a Supreme Court deci- 
sion. Hopefully, the high court will pay 


heed 10 Judge Leonard Moore's en- 
lightened dissent from the appeals 


court's opinion: 


I cannot impute to Congress an 
intention that the term “psycho- 
pathic personality” in the 1952 
amendments of the Immigration 
and Nationality Act be construed to 
cover anyone who had ever had 
a homosexual experience, Professor 
Kinsey estimated. that “at least 37 
percent" of the American male popu- 
lation. has at least one homosexual 
experience, defined in terms of 
physical contact to the point of or- 


gum. between the beginning of 
adolescence and old age. Earlier 


estimates had ranged from one per 
cent to 100 percent. The sponsors 
of Britain's current reform bill on 
homosexuality have indicated that 
one male in 25 is a homosexual in 


Brilain. To label a group so larg 
“excludable aliens" would be tanta- 
mount to saying that Sappho, Leo- 


nado da Vinci, Michelangelo, 
André Gide and, perhaps, even 
Shakespeare, were they to come to 


life again, would be deemed unfit lo 
visil our shores. Indeed, so broad a 
definition might well comprise more. 
than а few members of legislative 
bodies, 


“The Playboy Forum” offers the oppor- 
tunity for an extended dialog between 
readers and editors of this publication 
on subjects and issues raised im. Hugh 
M. Hefner's continuing editorial series, 
“The Playboy Philosophy.” Four booklet 
reprints of “The Playboy Philosophy.” 
including installments 1-7, 8-12, 135-18 
and 19-22, are available at 506 рет book- 
let. Address all correspondence on both 
"Philosophy" and “Forum” to: The 
Playboy Forum, Playboy Building, 919 №. 
Michigan Ave., Chicago, Illinois 60611. 


135 


PLAYBOY 


136 


UKRIDGE 


up on the slate, my finances at the time 
being at a rather low ebb. It wasn't easy. 
I had to extend all my ром But I 
won through at last, and I was returning 
to my seat with a well-filled flagon when 
а bloke accosted me and, with some 
surprise, I saw it was my Aunt J 
majordomo. 

“Hullo,” I said. “Why aren't you 
butting? 

It appeared that he no longer held 
office, Aunt Julia had given him the 
ack. This occasioned me no astonish- 
ment, for she is a confirmed sacker. You 
will probably recall that she has bunged 
me out of the home not once but many 
times. So I just said "Tough luck" or 
something to that effect, and we chatted 
I this and that. He asked me where 
I was living now and 1 told him, and 
alter a pleasant quarter of an hour we 
parted, he to go and see his brother, or 
that’s where he said he was going, I to 
trickle round to the Foreign Office and 
ty to touch George Tupper for a couple 
ol quid, which I was fortunately able to 
do, he luckily happening to be in amiable 
mood. Sometimes when you approach 
‘Tuppy for а small Joan, you find him all 
gitated because mysterious veiled women 
have been pinching his secret treaties 
nd on such occasions, it is difficult to 
bend him to your will. 

With this addition to my resources. I 
was in a position to pay my landlady the 
willing sum 1 owed her, so when she 
looked in on me that night as 1 sat smok- 
ing my pipe and wishing I could some- 
how accumulate a bit of worl 
I met her eye without a t 

But she had not come to talk finance. 
She said there was a gentl down- 
stairs who wanted to sce me, and I con- 
less this gave me pause, What with the 
present world-wide shortage of money— 
flecting us all these days—I had been 
compelled to let one or two bills run up, 
nd this might well be some creditor 
whom it would have been embarrassing 
to meet. 

“What sort of а man is he?" I asked, 

1 she said he was husky in the voice, 
which didn’t get me much further; and 
when she added that she had told him I 
was in, I said she had better send him 
up; and a few moments later, in came 
а bloke who might үс been Stout's 
brother. Which was as it should have 
been, for that was what he turned out 
to be. 
Evening." he said, and I could see 
why Mis. Whateverher-name-was had 
described him as husky. voice was 
hoarse and muflled. Laryngitis or some- 
thing, J thought. 

“Name of Stout,” he proceeded. “I 
think you know my brother Horace.” 

“Good Lord!" I said. * 
Horace?" 

"That's 


mor. 


his name 


ight. And mine's Percy.” 


(continued from page 79) 


“Are you a butler, too?" 
Silverring bookic. Or was." 

"You've retired?" 

"For a while. Lost my voice calling 
the odds. And that brings me to what 
I've come about.” 

It was a strange story he had to relate. 
It seemed t had let 
obligations pile up—a thing Tve often 
wished bookies would let me do—4ill he 
owed this Percy a pretty considerable 
sum, and finally he had settled by hand- 
ing over a lot of antique furniture. The 
suf being no good to Percy, he was 
xious to dispose of it if the price was 
right, and the way to make the price 
Tight, he felt, was to enlist the services 
of someone of persuasive cloquence— 
someone with the gift of the gab was the 
way he put it—to sell it for him. Be- 
cause, of course, he couldn't do it him- 
self, bronchial cords 
blue on him. And his brod 
having heard of me in action, was con 
1 that they need seek no further. 
d, who could per 
suade Flossie to give credit for two pints 
of mill and bitter was the man for Per- 
cy. He knew Flossie to be a girl of steel 
and iron, adamant to the most impas 
sioned ph and he said that if he 
heard it with his own cars, he. 
wouldn't have believed it possible. 

So how about it, Percy asked. 

Well, you know me, Corky. First and. 
foremost the levelheaded man of busi- 
nes. What, I inquired, was there in it 
for me; and he said he would give me a 
commission. I said that I would prefer 
а salary; and when he suggested five 
pounds а week with board and lodging 
thrown in, it was all I could do to keep 
from jumping at it, for, as I told you, my 
financial position was not good. But I 
managed to sneer loftily, aud in the end 
l got him up to ten. 

“You sty board and lodging,” I said. 
“Where do I board and lodge? 

"That, he said, was the most attractive 
part of the assignment. He wasn't going 
10 таке a shop in the metropolis but 
planned to exhibit his wares in a cottage 
equipped with honeysuckle, roses and all 
the fittings down in Kent. One followed 
s would be 
id the bet- 
was that at least some of them, 
seeing the notice on the front gate 
ANHQUE FURNITURE FOR SALE, GENUINE 
р, would stop off and 
ia is an aficionada of 


vine 


PERIOD. € 


па he said he thought 
so, 100. For mark you, Corky, though 
you and I wouldn't be seen dead iu a 
ditch with the average antique, there are 
squads of half-wits who value them high 
ly—showing, I often say, that it takes all 


sorts to make a world. I told myself that 
was going to be good. I slapped him 
on the back. He slapped me on the back. 
I shook his hand. He shook my hand. 
And—what made the whole thing a teal 
love feast—he slipped me an advance of 
five quid. And the following afternoon 
found me at Rosemary Соцаре, in the 
neighborhood of Tunbridge Wells, all 
eagerness to get my nose down to it. 

My rosy expectations were fulfilled. 
For solid comfort, there is nothing to 
beat a jolly bachelor establishment. 
Women have their merits, of course, but 
if you are to live the good life, you don't 
want them around the home. They атс 
always telling you to wipe your boots 
and they don't like you dining in your 
shirt sleeves, At Rosemary Cottage we 
were hampered by none of these restric- 
tions, Liberty Hall about sums it up. 

We were a happy little community. 
Percy had a fund of good stories gar 
nered from his years on the turf, while 
Horace, though less effervescent a 
conversationalist, played the harmonic 
with considerable skill, a thing I didn't 
know butlers ever did. The other mem- 
ber of our group was a substantial d 
ter named Erb, who was attached to 
Percy in the capacity of what is called a 
minder. In case the term is new to you, 
it means that if you owed Percy a fiver 
on the two o'dock at Plumpton and 
didn’t brass up pretty quick, vou got Erb 
on the back of your neck. He was one of 
those strong, silent men who don't speak 
till they're spoken to, and not often th 
but he was fortunately able to play a f 
game of bridge, so we had a four for 
after supper. Erb was vice-president in 
charge of the cooking, and I never wish 
to bite better pork chops than the ones 
he used to serve up. They melted in the 
mouth. 

Yes, it was an idyllic life, and we lived 
it to the full. The only th 
shadow was th 
have been brisker. I sold a few of the 
ghastly objects, but twice I let promising 
prospects get away hom me, and this 
made me uneasy. I didn't want to get 
Perey think i 


usting the sell- 
iness to me he might 
have picked the wrong man. With a co- 
lossal sum like ten quid a weck at stake, 
it behooved me to do some quick think- 
ing, and it wasn't long before 1 spotted 
where the trouble lay. My patter licked 
the professional note, 

You know how it is when you're buy- 
ing old furniture. You expect the fellow 
who's selling it to weigh in with a lot of 
abstruse stuff that doesn’t mean a damn 
thing to you but which you know ought 
to be there. It's much the same as when 
you're buying а car. П you aren't handed 
plenty of applesauce about sp: 
mshafis and dilferential gears 
sprockets, you suspect a trap and tell the 


ink it over and let him 


chap you'll thi 
know. 

And, fortunately, I was in a position to 
correct this flaw in my technique with- 
out difficulty, Aunt Julia had shelves of 
books about old furniture that I could 
borrow and bone up on, thus acquiring 
the necessary double talk; so next mor- 
ing I set out for The Cedars, Wimbledon 
Common, full of zeal and the will to win. 

I was sorry to be informed by Hor- 
ace’s successor on my arrival that she 
was in bed with a nasty cold, but he 
took my name up and came back to say 
that she could give me five minutes—not 
longer, because she was expecting the 
doctor. So I went up and found her 
sniffing cucalyptus and sneezing a good 
deal, plainly in rather poor shape. But 
her sufferings had not impaired her spir- 
it, for the first thing she said to me was 
that she wouldn't give me a penny, and I 
was pained to see that that matter of the 
ormolu clock still rankled. What ormolu 
clock? Oh, just one that, needing a bit of 
capital at the time, I pinched from one 
of the spare rooms, litle thinking that its 
absence would сусг be noticed. I has- 
tened to disabuse her of the idea that I 
had come in the hope of making a touch, 
and the strain that had threatened to 
mar the conversation became eased. 

“Though I did come to borrow some- 
thing, Aunt Julia,” I said. “Do you mind 


if 1 take two or three books of yours 
about antique furniture? I'll return them 


shortly. 
She sneezed skeptically. 
“Or pawn them,” she said. “Since 


when have you been interested in an- 
tique furniture?” 

“I'm selling it 

"You're selling it?" she exclaimed like 
an echo in the Swiss mountains. “Do you 
mean you are working in a shop?" 

“Well, not exactly a shop. We conduct 
our busines at а couage—Rosemary 
Cottage, to be exact—on the roadside 
not far from Tunbridge Wells. In thi 
way, we catch the motoring trade. The 
actual selling is in my hands and so far 
Ive done preity well, but I have not 
been altogether satisfied with my work. 1 
feel I need more technical stult, and last 
night it occurred to me that if I read a 
few of your books, I'd be able to make 
my sales talk more convincing. So, if you 
will allow me to take a selection from 
your library —— 

She sneezed again, but this time more 
amiably. She said that if I was really 
doing some genuine work, she would 
certainly be delighted to help те, 
adding in rather poor taste, I thought, 
that it was about time I stopped messing 
about and wasting my life as I had been 
doing. I could have told her, of course, 
that there is not a moment of the day. 
except possibly when relaxing over a mild 


and bitter at the pub, when I am not 
pondering some vast scheme that will 
bring me wealth and power, but it didn't 
seem humane to argue with a woman 
suffering from a nasty cold. 
Tomorrow, if I am well enough," she 

said, “I will come and see your stock 
f." 

“Will you really? That'll be fine.” 

“Or perhaps the day after tomorrow. 
But irs ary coincidence 
that you should be selling antique furni- 
ture, because: 
Yes, it was odd that I should have 
happened to rum into Stout.” 

“Stout? You mean my butler 

"Your late butler. He gave me t 
understand that you had sacked him. 

She sneezed grimly. 

^1 certainly did. Let me tell you what 
happened.” 

“No, let me tell you what happened. 
I said, and I related the circumstances of 
my h Horace, prudently 
changing the pub to а milk bar. "I had 
been having an argument with a fellow 
at the next table,” I concluded, “and my 
eloquence so impressed him that he 


asked me if I would come down to Rose- 
mary 
ture, 


outage and sell this antique furni- 
He has a brother who recently 
d a lot of it.” 


ı up in bed, her eyes, though 
watery. flashing with all the old fire. It 


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137 


PLAYBOY 


138 got. рау 


“Say, you are worried about Vietnam 


was plain that she was about to say 
something of significance; but before she 
could speak, the door opened and the 
medicine man appeared; and thinking 
they were best alone, T pushed off and 
got the books and legged it for the great 
open spaces. 

There was a telephone booth at the 
end of the road and 1 went to it and rang 
up Percy. These long-distance calls run 
о money, but 1 felt that he ought to 
have the good news without delay, no 
matter what the expense. 


answered the 
phone, and I slipped him the tidings of 
great joy. 

“Eve just been se 


ng my aunt" I 


ЭҺ?” he said. 

she’s got ty cold,” I said. 

Ah,” he said, and I seemed to detect 
[ fication in his voice, as if 


ing given her a sharp lesson that would 
teach her 10 be more careful in future 
how she went about giving good men 
the bum's rush. 

“But she thinks she'll be all right to- 
morrow.” 1 said. "and the moment the 
sniffles have ceased and the temperature 
has returned to normal, she's coming 
down to inspect our stock. I don't need 
to tell you what this means. Next to 
her novels. what she loves most in this 
world is old furniture. It is to her what 
catnip is to a cat. Confront her with 
some chair on which nobody could sit 
with any comfort, and provided it was 
made by Chippendale, if I've got the 
ight, the sky's the limit, She's 
ikely 10 buy everything we've 
эр a prince's ransom for each 


name 
quite 


to sales and. 
have observed her 
c a drunken 


artide. I've been with he 
with 


my own cyes 
ing the cash about lil 


I know what you're thinking. of 
course. You feel that alter what has 
passed between you. it will be painful 


for you to meet her again: but you must 
clench your teeth and stick it like a man. 
We're all working for the good of the 
show, so— Hullo? Hullo? Are you 
there?” 

He wasn't. He had hung up. M 
ous. I thought. and most disappo 
to one who, like myself. had been ex 
pecting pacans of joy. However, 1 was 
much too bucked to worry about 
peculiar behavior of butlers; and fe 
that the occasion. called for somethi 
the nature of a celebration, I went to the 
Foreign Office, gave George Tupper h 
two quid back and took him out to 
lunch. 

It wasn't a very animated lunch, be- 
Tuppy hardly said a word. He 
seemed dazed. I've noticed the same 
thing belore in fellows to whom I've 
repaid a small loan. They get a sort of 
stunned look, as if they had passed 
through some great spiritual experience. 
Odd. Bat it took more than a silent Tup- 
py to damp my jocund mood, and I was 
fecling on top of my form when, an hour 
or two later, I crossed the threshold of 
Rosemary Cottage. 

"Yoo-hoo!" I cried. 

I expected shouts of welcome—not, of 
course, from Erb, but certainly from Hor- 
ace and Percy. Instead of which, com- 
plete silence reigned. They might all 
have gone for a walk, but that didn't 
seem likely; because while Percy some- 
times enjoyed a little exercise, Horace 


the 


са 


and Erb hadn't set а foot outdoors since 
we'd been there. And it was as I stood 
puzzling over this that I noticed that ex- 
cept for a single table—piecrust tables, 
the things are called—all the furniture 
had gone, wo. I don't mind telling you, 
Corky, that it baflled me. I could make 
nothing of it, and I was still making 
nothing of it when I had that feeling you 
get sometimes that you are not alone, 
ad, turning, I saw that 1 had company. 
Standing beside me was a policeman. 
There have been times, I will not con. 
ceal it from you, when such a spectacle 
would have chilled me to the marrow; 
for you never know what may ensue, 
once the force starts popping up: and it 
just shows how crystal clear my coi 
science was that 1 didn't quail but 
ected him with a cheery “Good 
evening, officer.” А 


sin" he responded 
Rosemary Cottage? 
“Nothing but. Anything 1 can do for 
you: 
"Ive come on bel 
Ukridge. 
lt seemed strange to me that Aunt 
Julia should -have dealings with the po- 


Ff of Mis Julia 


with à polite "Oh, really” —: 
she was linked 10 me by ties of blood 
being indeed the sister of my late father 
—and he sid "Was that so?" and ex- 
pressed the opinion that it was a small 
world, a sentiment in which I concurred. 
"She was talking of looking me up 
с,” 1 said 
So I understood, But she v 
unable to come herself, so she sent hi 
d with the list. She has a nasty cold. 
Probably ciught it from my aunt.” 


id the maid had a nasty cold.” 
it's Miss Ukridge who has the 


nasty cold." 
"Ah, now we have got it 
What did she send the maid for 
"То bring us the list of the purloined 


"t know how it is with you, Corky, 
but the moment anyone starts talking 
about purloined objects in my presence, 
1 get an uneasy feeling. It was with not 
a litte goose flesh running down my 
spine that ] gazed at the officer. 
“Purloined objects 
“A number of valuable pieces of furni- 
ture. Antiques, they call th 
"Oh, my aunt 
Yes, sim they were her property. 
They were removed from her residence 
on Wimbledon Common during her ab- 
sence. She states that she had gone to 
Brussels to attend one of these. сопе 
ences where writers assemble, she being 
a, I understand, and she left her 
buder i 


a wi 


luable pieces of an- 
tique furniture weren't there. The builer, 
questioned, stated that he had taken the 


ternoon off and gone to the dog races 
nd nobody more surprised than himself 
when he returned and found that the ob- 
jects had been purloined. He was di 
missed, of course, but that didn't help 
Miss Ukridge's bereavement much. Just 
locking the stable door after the milk has 
you might say. And there, 
ng, the matter rested. But 
morning, on information received, 
lady was led to suspect that the 
purloined objects were in this Rose- 
mary Cottage, and she got in touch with 
the local police, who got in touch with 
ws. She thinks, you see, that the butler 
did it. Worked in with an accomplice, 
] mean to say, and the two of them got 
away with the purloined objects, no 
doubt in a plain van." 

I believe I once asked you, Corky, if 
during a political discussion in a pub you 
had ever suddenly been punched on the 
nd if I remember rightly. you re- 
n the negative. But I have been— 
and on each occasion, I was c 
scious of feeling dazed and stunned, [i 
George Tupper when I paid him back 
the two quid he had lent me and took 
him to lunch. The illusion that the roof 
had falle and landed on top of my 
head was extraordinarily vivid. Drinking 
the constable in with a horrified gaze, І 
seemed to be looking at two constable: 
both doing the shimmy. 

For his words had removed. the scales 
from my eyes, and I saw Horace and 
Percy no longer as pleasant business as- 
sociates but as what they were, a wolf in 
butler's clothing and a bookie who did 
not know the difference between right 
id wrong. Yes, yes, as you say, ] have 
sometimes been compelled by cr 
stances to pinch an occa al trifle like a 
dock from my aunt, but there is a s 
line drawn between swiping a cloc 
getting away with а houseful of assorted 
antique furniture. No doubt they had 
done it precisely as the constable had 
id, and и muse have been absurdly 
simple. Nothing to it. No, Corky, you are 
wrong. I do not wish I had thought of it 
myself. I would have scorned such ai 
action, even though knowing the stuff 
was fully insured and my aunt would be 
far better off without it. 

“The only thing is,” the officer was 
proceeding, “I don't see any antique fui 
niture here. "There's that table, but 
not on the list. And if there had been 
que furniture here, you'd have noticed 
it. Looks to me as if they'd sent me to 
the wrong place,” he said; and with a 
word of regret that 1 had been troubled, 
he mounted his bicycle and pedaled off. 

He left me, as you can readily imag- 
inc, with my mind in a turmoil, and you 
© probably thinking that what was giv- 
ing me dark circles under the eyes was 
the discovery that І had been lured by a 
specious bookie into selling hot furniture 
and so rendering myself liable to a sharp 
sentence as an accessory or whatever 


they call it, but it wasn't. That was bad 
enough, but what was worse was the 
realization that my employer had gone 
off owing me six weeks’ salary. You sce, 
when we had made that genteman's 
agreement of ours, he had said that if it 
was all the same to me, he would prefer 
10 pay me in a lump sum at the end of 
my term of office instead of week by 
week, and I had seen no objection. Fool- 
ish of me, of course. I cannot impress it 
on you too strongly, Corky, old horse, 
that if anyone comes offering you mon- 
ey, you should grab it at once and not 
assent to any suggestion of payment at 
some later date. Only so can you be 
g the stufi. 


certam of uou: 

So, as I I stood there dra 
biter cup, and while 
gaged, a car stopped in the road outside 
and a man came up the garden path. 

He was a tall man with gray hai 
a funny sort of twist to his mouth, а 
he had just swallowed a bad oyster and 
was wishing he hadn't. 

I sce you advertise antique 
ture.” he said. "Where do you keep 

I was just about to tell him it had all 
gone, when piccrust 
table. 
This looks a nice piece,” he said: and 
as he spoke. I saw in his eve the unmis 
takable antique-furniturecollector's gleam 
that I had so often seen in my Aunt 


ng the 
I was thus en- 


furni- 


he spotted the 


Julia’s at sales, and I quivered from hair 
to shoe sole. 

You have often 
lightning brain 
Corky . . . well, if 
somebody else . . . a't suppose 
I've ever thought quicker than I did 
then. In a sort of blinding flash. it came 
to me that if I could sell Percy's piecrust 
table for what he owed me, the thing 
would be a standoff and my position 
stabilized. 

You bet it's a nice picce," I said, and 
proceeded to give him the works. I was 
inspired. I doubt if I have ever, not even 
when pleading with Flossie that credit 
was the lifeblood of commerce, talked 
more persuasively. The golden words 
simply flowed out, and I could sce that I 
had got him going. It seemed but a mo- 
ment before he had produced his check- 
Look and was writing me a check for 60 
pounds. 

"Who shall I make it out to he 
asked, and I said S. F. Ukridge; and he 
did so and told me where to send the та: 
ble—somewhere in the Mayfair district 
of London—and we parted on cordial 
terms. 

And not ten minutes after he had 
driven off, who should show up but Ре 
cy. Yes, Percy in. person, the last bloke T 
had expected to sec. I don't think I de- 
scribed him to you, did J, but his general 
appearance was that of a clean-shaven 


commented on my 
resource 


“So there you have it. You were lejt on our 
doorstep twenty-six years ago and we have no idea 
who you really are, which, incidentally, is the reason 


we have always addressed you as ‘Hey.’ " 


139 


PLAYBOY 


140 


nta Claus, and he was looking now 
more like Santa Claus than ever. Bub- 
bling over with good will and joie de 
He couldn't have been chirpier if 
he had just seen the heavily backed 


vivre 


favorite in the big race stub its toe оп 
fence and come a pu 
“Hullo, cocky,” he So you got 


back.” 
Well, you might suppose that after 
what I had heard from the rozzer, I 
would have started right away то reproach 
him for his criminal activities and to 
wge him to give his better self a chance 
to guide him, but I didn't—pary be- 
cause it’s never any use trying to jerk a 
bookie's better sell 10 the surface, bur 
principally because I wanted to lose no 
time in putting our financial affairs on a 
sound basis. First things first has always 
been my топо, 
I said. 


“1 thought you had 
skipped. 

Have you ever seen a bookie cut to 
the quick? I hadn't till then, He took it 
big. There's a word my aunt is fond of 
using in her novels when the hero has 
id the wrong thing to the heroine and 
made her hot under the collar. "She"— 
what -"bridled," that's the word I 
mean. Percy bridled. 

"Who. me?" he said. "Without paying 
you your money? What do you think I 
am—dishonest? 

І apologized. I said that, naturally, 


SSS 


a 


when I returned and found him gone 
and all the furniture removed, it had 
started a train of thought 

“Well, I had to get the stuff away be- 
fore your aunt arrived, didn't I? How 
much do I owe you? Sixty quid minus 
the five advance, isn't it? Here you are, 
he said, pulling out a wallet the size of 
an elephant. "Whats that you've got 
there? 


d I'm blowed if in my emotion at 
seeing again, T hadn't forgotten. all 
about the twisted-lip man’s check. I en- 
dorsed it with a hasty fountain pen and 
pushed it across. He eyed it with some 
surprise, 
“What's 
І may have smirked a bit, for I was 
not a little proud of my recent triumph 
of salesmanship. 
^I just sold the piecrust table to a man 
who came by in a car 


152" 


“I knew T 
n making you 
vice-president in charge of sales. I've 
had that table on my hands for months. 
Took it for a bad debt. How much did 
you get lor it?" He looked at the check. 
"sixty quid? Splendid. 1 only got forty.” 


h 


rom the chap I sold it to this 
ning.” 
"You sold it to somebody this morn- 
ing 
"That's right.” 


moi 


hen which of them gets i?" 
‘Why, your chap, of course. He paid 
more. We've got to do the honest thing." 
“And you'll give your chap his money 
back?" 
Now don't be silly," said Percy, and 
would probably have gone on to 
reproach me further, but at this momer 
we had another visitor, a gaunt, lean, 
spectadied роррегіп who looked as if he 
might be a professor or something on 
that order. 
I sce you 


dverise antique fu 
ture,” he said. "I would like to look at 
ah,” he said, spotting the table. He 

nuzzled it a good deal and turned it up- 
side down and once or twice looked as if 
he were going to smell it. 

"Beautiful" he said. “A lovely bit of 
work." i 

“You can have it for eighty quid," said 
Percy. 

The profesor smiled one 
gentle smiles 
1 fear it is hardly worth that. When I 
called it beautiful and lovely, I was 
luding to Tancy's workmanship. Ike 
Tancy, possibly the finest forger of old 
furniture we have today. At a glance, I 
would say that thi 1 example of 
d. 

Percy blew a few bubbles. 

“You it's a fake? 
told —— 

“Whatever you were told, your inform- 
ant was m п. And may I add that 
you persist in this policy of yours of 
advertising and selling forgeries as genu- 
ine antiques, you are liable ro come into 
uncomfortable contact with the law. It 
would be wise to remove that notice you 
have on your 
men, good eve: 
He left behind him what you might 
call strained silence, broken after 
moment or so by Percy, saying, "Coi 

“This calls lor thought,” he said. 
“We've sold u table.” 

“Уса.” 

Twice.’ 
ENS 
“And got the money for it: 

Yes.” 
“And its a 
Yes.” 
nd we passed it off as genuine. 


of those 


was 


his middle peri 


mea 


Bur I v 


ме. Good exeninj 
ng. 


gentle- 


fake 


“We'd better go to the pub and talk it 
over.” 

“Ye 

"You be walking on. There's some 
thing I want to attend to in the küche 
By the way, got any matches? Гуе used 
all mine 

1 gave him a 
in thought, and presently he joined me, 
seeming deep in thought, too. We sat on 
a stile, both of us plunged in meditation, 


box and strolled on, deep 


and then he suddenly uttered a cry. 

“What a lovely sunset,” he said, “and 
how peculiar that the sun's setting in the 
cast. I've never known it to do that 
before. Why, strike me pink, I believe 
the cottage is on fire.” 

And, Corky, he was perfectly accu- 
rate, It was. 


Ukridge broke off his narrative, 
reached for his wallet and laid it on the 
table preparatory to summoning the 
waiter to bring the check. I ventured a 
question. 

“The cottage was reduced to ashes?” 

“Tt was.” 

“The piccrust table, too?" 

“Yes, I think it must have burned 
briskly.” 

"A bit of luck for you." 

"Very fortunate. Very fortunate.” 
erey was probably careless with 
those matches.” 

“One feels he must have been, But 
he certainly brought about the happy 
ending. Percy's happy. He's made a 
good thing out of it. I'm happy. I've 
made a good thing out of it, too. Aunt 
Julia has the insurance money, so she 
also is happy, provided, of course, that 
her nasty cold has now yielded to treat- 
ment. J doubt if the insurance blokes a 
happy, but we must alw 
that the more cash these insurance firms 
get taken off them, the better it is for 
them. It makes them more spiritual." 
“How about the two owners of the 
2 

“Oh, they've probably forgotten the 
whole thing by now. Money means noth 
ing to fellows like that. The fellow I sold 
it to was driving a Rolls-Royce. So look- 
ing on the episode from the broa 


‘Good 
Ukridge,’” said the man who had sud- 


afternoon, Mr. 


denly appeared at our table, and I saw 
Ukridge's jaw fall like an express ele: 
tor going down. And I wasn't surprise 
for this was a tall man with gra 
and a curiously twisted mouth. His ey: 
as they bored into U! ре, were bleak. 
"I've been looking for you for a long 
id hoping to meet you again. ГЇЇ 
trouble you for sixty pounds. 
“I haven't got sixty pound 
“Spent some of it, ch? Then let's sce 
what you have got,” said the man, turn 
ing the contents of the wallet out on the 
tablecloth and counting it in an efficient 
manner, “Fifty-three pounds, s 
threepence. That's near enough. 
“But who's going to pay for my 
lunch?" 
“Ah, that we shall ney 
the man. 
But I knew, and it was with a heavy 
heart that I reached into my hip pocket 
for the thin little bundle of pound notes 
that I had been hoping would last me 
for another we 


r know," said 


1 forgot to use 
Ban Spray Deodorant and I'm going 
to spend all day on the beach. 


Gre 
I'll spend all day 
in the water. 


Йй 


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141 


PLAYBOY 


142 


the prisoner (continued рот page 83) 


it would be over by this time. Well, it 


permanent fact of existence. wondei 
ac the optimism. But he had somethi 
else to puzzle out a few minutes later 
when he was marched through the com- 
pound to his assigned quarters. The 
wood-framed structure was small, neatly 
built, but surely incapable of housing 
more than three or four prisoners. A sin- 
gle name had been stenciled on the door, 
and it read: 


DOW JOMAS 
PRIVATE 


The double meaning of the word 
didn't strike him until a guard opened 
the door, and Tommy's first glimpse of 
the room's only bed told him that the 
quarters were, indeed, private. It was 
obviously some officer's billet, an officer 
whose high rank allowed him the indul- 
gence of luxury. There was a thick, gold- 
colored carpet on the floor; a grouping 


of overstuffed furniture, the sofa half 
smothered in pillows; a credenza with 
open doors that revealed а back-lighted 
bar with bottles that glowed with amber 
lights; an elongated cabinet with hidden 
contents (later, he learned they were 
high-fidelity components). The bed was 
oversized, with a thick fur blanket; it 
was so inviting that Tommy fell face 
down into its soft пар the moment he 
lone. He woke, startled, an hour 
nd realized that he was the 
tended occupant of this plush apartment 
that the name on the door had meant 
what it 1. DOWD, THOMAS, PRIVATE. It 
no sense, but it was true. Thinking 
he fell asleep again and dreamed of 
home: the magazine photos covering the 
wall cracks of his room; the smell of 
overcooked food and damp plaster in 
the flooded basement; the gargle of the 
plumbing and the grind and screech of 
the cutting machine he had operated. 
When he woke again, it was morning, 
and the alarm was ringing. No, not an 


"T realize that I'm not qualified for the 
Senate or the governorship, but I think 
I might do very well as a bit politician!” 


alarm; he realized it was a telephone by 
He picked it up and 
mumbled a bewildered “Hello.” 

‘Good morning!" a man’s voice said 
cheerily. "Ready for breakfast, Private? 
We'll be serving in the mess hall starting 
at seven.” 

He went outside, The sun was bright; 
he blinked as he caught up with the 
ragged parade of fellow prisoners head- 
ing for the source of the food smell. At 
the chow line, he caught the arm of one, 
а sleepy-cyed Southerner named Chester 
he had met brieily in basic, and whis- 
pered, “Hey, Chet, 
What kind of joint is thi 

And the Southern boy gri 
shrugged. “Three weeks,” he said 
i's all right, Oh, my, yes. 

“But what's it all about?” Tommy said 
desperately. “What are they fattening us 
up for? What's the gimmick?” 

Chester winked. “Some of us figure 
it’s, you know, brainwashing.” and he 
laughed, with secret, dreamy pleasure. 
"Yeah, some of us figure that." 

There were four kinds of eggs at 
breakfast. There were sausages—link or 
patties, French toast for those who 
wanted it, plenty of bacon, fried—but 
not overfried— potatoes; and the toast, 
miraculously, was butered and hot. There 
wasn't much talking at thc tables, but 
ied chuckles. 
gimmick," Tom- 
my muttered to himself, all the way back 
t0 his quarter. When he entered. the 
100m, he saw an enemy guard making 
wp his bed, Making up his bed. He 
hadn't been as stunned since Bogash had 
bought his quick death in the cornfield. 

“Hi.” the guard said. It was probably 
the only new. Even when he 


"Tommy spent the rest of the morning 
exploring the room. He took a luxurious 
shower, with plenty of hot water. He 
discovered the hifi set and a cache 
of records. They were disappointingly 
bland pop albums. Aloud, he said, “I'll 
lave to complain about that," and 
laughed. Then he had the feeling that 
his complaint might even be taken seri- 
ously. He went out for a walk around the 
compound and discovered flower gar- 
dens, a ball field and a тес 
appointed like a Las Vegas casino. 
There was lobster salad at lunch. At 
dinner, the prisoners made joking com- 
ments about the bill of fare. "Shrimp 
il again? St. ü m on the 
cob? Chocolate layer cake? Hey, this 
place is going downhill . . 
He saw Chester grinning at him 
throughout the meal, and started getting 
noyed. After dinner, on their way to a 
movie at the recreation building, he 
grabbed the Southerners elbow, hard 
cnough to show his irritation. 
What's so funny?” he said. 
ng funny about me?” 
“Heck, no, pal, don't get me wrong." 


“Some- 


th 


‘Listen, you think we're getting this 
treatment for nothing? They've got 
something up their sleeves. A gimmick, 
a gimmi z 


Chester said cordially. “Only I 
can wait to find out. You better wait, 
too. pal. 

“Wait for what?” 

They went into the bi g together, 
but Tommy, feeling alienated by Ches- 
ter’s smugness, by all the smug faces of 
the prisoners, took a in the back. He 
left before the feature was concluded. 
He went back to his room, put the least 
offensive of the pop albums on the tur 
table and lay his oversized bed, 
staring at the ceiling. 

At ten o'clock. there was 
his door. He said, “Who is i but no- 
body answered. He opened the door апа 
a woman came into his room, closed the 
door ag: and leaned back with her 
shoulders pressed against it, Posed that 
way, smiling, a long cascade of silvery- 
blonde hair moving softly against her 
check, falling to the swelling contour of 
her bosom, her eyes both c 
tender, she looked so unr 
so much the magazine illustration т: 
than flesh-and-blood girl, that his mind 
rejected her presence. 

"Then she said, “Hello, Tommy, Im 
Li: nd laughed. It was more ol ig 
gle, a sound of girlish amusement at his 
consternation, and it broke the spell. 


on 


soft rap on 


“Who?” he said. 

"Lisa. I'm going to be your friend 
here, if you want me.” 

She linked her arm with ad 


turned him toward the lighted liquor 


sh 


poured them all, When Tommy 
bewildered questions, she ducked them 
adroitly and made him talk about h 

self, about hi: ie back home, about his 
plans for the futu The wild thought 


just as quickly; there was nothing of 
suwtegic importance he could reveal; 
she seemed interested. only in Tommy 
Dowd. To prove it, she took him to be 

She returned. the next night, and the 
ht айе . and the hts th 
lowed. And shortly, he knew he w: 
beginning to wear the same quietly 
satisfied expression worn by all the 
inmates of the camp. 


Two months alter his arrival, he was 
asked to appear before the comm. 
officer, For the first time in wee 
forced himself to reconsider the mı 
of his bizarre experience. Was it time for 
the switcheroo, the trap door, the gim- 
mick? Was he going to be asked to make 
public statements about enemy ideolo- 
gy? Recruited for some traitorous er- 
rand? Somehow employed as а tool of 
enemy purpose? He stecled himself for 


“Why, that's Fairchild, my broker! I never 
expected him to turn up here after 
advising me lo unload Xerox at 78!” 


the interview, hop 
himself. well, that 
vitic days and. nights hadn't c 
of courage and will 

He saluted the colonel stiflly. and the 
man with the silky beard and soft smile 
aid, "Relax, son. I've got some good 
news for you 

“Yes, sir?" Tommy said. 

You're going home," the colonel told. 
him. "This very afternoon. A truck con- 
voy is taking you and five other prisoners 
k to a neutral zone. You'll be met by 
members of your command there.” 

"Home?" Tommy said. 

“Is a prisoner exchange, arranged 
through the Red Cross. Fm sure you'll 
be happy to see your comrades арай 
Best of luck to you, son; I hope your 


ng he would bear 
these delicious, syb: 
ned him 


Army sees fit to allow you a stretch of 
time back home 
"Thank you, sin" Tommy said, his 


heart sinking. 

"You don't look ve 
"Um happy, sir” 
Good," said the colonel. and held out 
his hand. "Its not in the Geneva rules, 
either, but would you shak 
Tommy shook the hand briefly, salut- 
cd again, less crisply, and went outside, 


y happy.” 


a he went to me 
the muck, he found her waiting nearby. 
with tears in her eyes. He wanted to em- 
brace her, but the truck was being load- 
ed quickly. making loud, ugly noises 
with its engine. He could barely hear her 
murmured goodbye. 


When the trucks had gone, a young 
lieutenant with a briefcase under his arm 


entered the commanding officer 
ters and beamed like а тап bearin 
good tidings; which, in fact, he was. 

“Just received the latest summations. 
Colonel.” he said. “Since the 
ion of the plan, the total 
enemy surrenders has been 
a thousand percent.” 

“Yes, and it should keep on increasing, 
the more ‘exchange’ prisoners we send 
back to spread the word. How many this 
month, Li 


quar. 


well 


over 


lmost a hundred. thousand. surren 
“At 
might be over by 


dem," the younger officer said. 
this rate, du 
stn 
"Ah," the colon 


“Peace. Is there am 


143 


PLAYBOY 


M4 


A Little Chin Music, Professor 


about the inadequacy of anybody's his- 
toric utterances. When the New York 
Herald sent ace correspondent H. M. 
Stanley into the wilds of Africa to scarch 
for the missing Dr. Livingstone in 1871, 
the intrepid newshawk had eight whole 
months in which to think up something 
smashing to say. Upon coming face to 
face with the lost missionary-explorer, 
however, Stanley confessedly drew a 
large verbal blank: “ ‘It might not be Dr. 
Livingstone after all.’ doubt suggested. 
If this be he, what shall I say to him? 
My imagination had not taken this into 
consideration before. All around us was 
the immense crowd, hushed and es- 
pectant, and wondering how the scene 
would develop itself. 

Jnder the circum 


1 could do 


ces, 


no more than exercise some rest t and 
reserve. so I walked up to him and, 
dofing my helmet. bowed and said in an 


inquiring tone 
^'Dr. Livingstone, 1 presume 
Immortal phrase! The gendemanly, 
old-school equivalent of “Hi, Doc. is that 
really you?” But che seldom-quoted re- 
sponse of Dr. Li 


stone was even more 
engagingly ban 


“Smiling cordially, p lifted his cap 
and answered briefly, 

Livingstone Space ae when 
found, usually prove to be wellman- 
nered types with a faulty sense of direc 
tion and no end of good will—persist in 
attributing the explorer’s monosyllabic 
reply to British reticence. But the saga 
of exploration refutes this kindness. 
Whether British, Italian, French, Span- 
ish, Portuguese or Norse, the world’s 
great explorers have contributed even less 


10 mankind's ucasuy of noteworthy 
utterances than have the world’s great 
inventors. 


A similar lack of memorable expres 
sion is characteristic of most of the casy, 
good-guy chatter that has passed һе 
tween the heavens and carth during 
America's recent 
For all their extraor 
skill, our astronauts have been notably 
men of few words. To date, the apogee 
1 expressive 
John Glenn's exuliant “Oh, 
t view is adous!” delivered early 

a his historic three-orbit mission in 
1962. On most occasions, however, the 
NASA style runs to a relaxed. b 
ind of brightened by 
occasional зри highly mui 
joshing. “SMALL TALK OUT OF THE BLUE’ 
was the way the New York Daily New 
capsulized its tabloid account of the ver- 
bal exchange that marked the hi 
cyeball-to-eyeball rendezvous of С 
6 and 7, in 1965: 


plorations of space. 


ry heroism and 


of was 


of 


aid 


Said G 


(continued from page 82) 


once we're in sty 
The wisecracking came alter 
command pilot Wally Schirra skill- 
fully maneuvered Gemini 6 into the 
почело похо position. 
Then, from Schin 
seems to be а 
From Gemi 
man. 
Houston contol asked if the pi- 
1015 could see each other through 


“There 


their windows. 
“Roger Frank Bor- 
man shot back 

‘We're flying nose to nose,” 
semini 6 chimed in. 

And of the spectacular rendez 


vous, Schirra said it lor everybody 
was a big deal. 


sure 


was—in everything except 
meaningful and memorable verbal 
expression. Conversationally, Geminis 6 
and 7 got no farther off the ground than 
did the G 4 mission of the previous 
June. It was during that one, you may 
recall, that the U.S. chalked up а 
famous first by inaugurating the worl 
first hubby-wife space chat: 


Mis. McDiviu: Jim! fimt 
м“ ; Huh? 
Mrs. McDivitt 
MDiviu: 
loud and clear. 
Mrs. MeDiviu: 
doing grea 
MDiviu: Yeah, we seem to be 
covering a lot of territory up here. 
How are you? 
Mrs. McDivit: 
Preuy g 
ipht now. 
MeDivice: G 


ır me? 
Roger, 1 can hear you 


Do you h 


Well, you're 


m fine. Are you 
I'm over 


od. 


Mrs. 
Texas. 
MeDiviu: Wi 
about three n 


t yourself over 


11 be over Texas i 
inute: 
Mis. MeDivitt: Hurry it up. 

MeDivitt: How are the kids m. 
ing ou 


Mrs. McDivit 


Fine. 
you're at the Cape. 
Мерин: Still 
Cocoa Beach, huh? 
Mis. McDivitt: That's what the 
ak. 
MeDiviu: 15 
OK: 
Mrs. 


They thi 


think we're 


at 


th 


everything going 


мой Yes, beautifully, 


beautifully. 


t have much 


n- 
that 


ion from NASA, the 
ile space chat was 


needed. no expl. 
world’s first hubby: 
also the world’s last. 

For sheer understatement, по historic 
exchange can match the ground-zero 
comments attributed to flight director 
Chris Kraft and command pilot Gordon 
Cooper when Gemini 5 broke all existing 
endurance records, 119 hours and si 
minutes after lift-off. "Sitting at his con- 
trol panel, Kraft said just one word: 
Zap!'—a Buck Rogers exdamation to 
describe the blast of space guns. Then 
he got on the line to Cooper: “How does 
it feel for the U.S. to be a world record 
holder, Gordo? Replied the 
Аг last, hu 
ificant as the moment was, it left 
little in the way of words for posterity to 
latch onto, nothing to etch in brass or 
i € in marble. luscribed on а 
Ш plaque, ^ 7 and “Ar last, 
huh?” would only look like clean graffiti 

More closely akin to tie true. gratfito 
муе are the everlessquotable reports 
on the astronauts’ "blue activity — 
the spacemedical equivalents of “Did 
you have a BM today?” Foilowing the 
Gemini 5 flight, for example, а world- 

~ cement was made of the [act 
1 had only опе bowel move- 
ment and Cooper none” during the first 
100 hours in orbit. 

Soviet security regulations are such 
that the Russian cosmonauts’ perform- 
ance in this area is a complete mystery. 
But indications are that Soviet blue-bag 
activity was all very much A-OK by the 
time Major Gehrman S. Titov made 
lr-orbit Hight aboard the Vostok H. 
am Eagle! 1 am Eagle! I can hear 


very 1 feel excellent! My fe 
is excellent!” the ebullient 
claimed, Aud though the quote sounds 


Ameri 
rema 


almost се 
standards. it 
the most memo: 
utterance on record. 

When the lady “Seagull,” Valentina 
V. Tereshkova, and ше male “Hawk, 
Lieutenant Colonel Valery F. Bykovsky, 
were lofted into the blue for a two. 
capsule attempt at the world’s first. boy- 
girl space rendezvous, Russian cosmotalk 
was confined mainly 10 pary-conscious 
formalities. According ro the Soviet news 
agency Tass, the orbiting cosmocouple 
“established radio communications and 
then sent a joint Premier 
Khrushchev. are ata 
dose distance from each other. АП sys- 
tems in the ships are working excellently, 
Feeling well.” 

Which was nice to hear, but more 
propriate to a picture postcard than to 
bronze tablet. lt was only when the Pre- 
mier himself got on the hom to reply, 
that the Soviets bi 
they had progressed toward verbal su 
°1 can hear you very 
irdlady. 
alled Seagull. With your per 


ic by 
ad will 
Soviet 


space 


sage to 


[hey 


eported, 


to reveal how far 


“You are 


mission, Valentina, I will call vou simply 
Valya. I am very glad and feel a fatherly 
pride that it is our girl, a girl from the 
land of the Soviets, who is the first in 
space, for the first time in the world, 
equipped with the most perfect tech- 
nique. It is a triumph of Leninist ideas 
It is a triumph of the struggle of our 
people and we are proud of you. We 
are proud that you glorify so well our 
people, our homeland, our party, our 
ideas, 1 am listening to you." 

Dear Nikita Sergeyevich!” the sweet 
heart of the Soviet space program 
responded. “We are moved and deeply 
touched by your attention. Many, many 
thanks for your kind words, for your 
fatherly concern. I wholeheartedly u 
the Soviet people for their good wishes. I 
assure you, dear Nikita Sergeyevich, that 
I will spare nothing to fulfill the азір 
ment of the homeland 

For all its propagandistic schmaltz 
the Kremlin-tocapsule schmooze be 
tween the first woman in space and the 
voluble Nikita Sergeyevich obviously 
had a lot more dass than the first Ameri 
сап hubby-wife space chat. To some de- 
gree, of course, the polite yet comradely 
tone was attributable to the fact that 
Nikita and Valya were not husband and 
wife. To the best of my knowledge, in 
fact, they weren't even going together 
But, wordwise, the Russians had stolen 
the lead, and their commitment to a poli- 
cy ol linguistic overkill soon became evi 
dent in other areas of communications. 
When the historic Washington-Moscow 
“hot line" was installed in September of 
1063, to permit a hurried exchange of 
famous last bye-byes in the event of a 
thermonudear boo-boo, the Asodated 
Press reported that the first Soviet test 
message "described in lyrical language 
the beauties of a Moscow sunset,” while 
American communications men “used 
nothing more original than: “The quick 
brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.” 

Never was the contrast between the 
two national styles more lamentably ap 
age-conscious Аше 
we losing the dialog race?” I won 
dered. At a time when history demanded 
nothing less than our verbal best. 
America to be represented by hackneyed 
phrases gleaned from the wastebaskets 
of its sccretarial-school students and 
typewriter repairmen? 

If so, we had only two major state- 
ments left: “This is a specimen of the 
work done on this machine” and “Now is 
the time for all good men to come to the 
aid of their party" —the latter being 
tually useless, in that it was susceptible 
to a Marxist-Leninist interpretation that 
could convert it into a militant rallying 
ay for solidification of the Soviet bloc! 

In pondering this national dilemma 
over a period of more than 15 minute 
I gradually came to realize that—all 
things considered—the quick-brown-fox 


ans. 


OLD HICKORY 


It Serves 
you right. 


HICKORY 
‘A BOURBON Ий 


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145 


PLAYBOY 


M6 


Tine had been a rather fortunate choice. 
In order to avoid the misunderstandings 


that might arise from telephonic distor- 
tions of speech, the U.S, and the 
U.S.S.R. had agreed that hotline mes- 


sages should be communicated by teletype. 
But, regardless of this sensible precau- 
verbal originality at the teletypist 
level might easily have been the death of 
us all. Taking his cue from the historic 
past, our man at the Keyboard might 
ave triggered an instant holocaust by 
batting out something like: “Ноу, hoy! 
Hello. Moscow. How do you like the hot 
line? Dr. Strangelove, 1 presume? . . . 
ivefour-three-wwo-one . . . Zap!" 

The quick-brownfox message was 
nonbelligerent, nonpolitical and brief. 
Though old stuff to us, it was new to the 
Russians, who may even have admired it 
and wished that they had said something 
snappy and amusing like that. 

For the most part, however. the dialog 
between East and West is most seriously 
apered by the fact that the Russians. 
aist upon speaking Russian, while 
Americans are accustomed to being 
understood when they make a reasonably 
good stab at expressing their thoughts i 
American English. The average Ameri- 
can’s knowledge of Russian consists of a 
very short word list—myet, da, sputnik, 
bolshevik, borscht, vodka and trotka— 
and. many are often confused as to which 
is а three-horse sleigh and which is an 
order of beet soup. Though the Soviets 


nt 
ts and intelligence personne! 
пагу Russian's English vocabu 
id то be limited to such expressions as. 
"OK," ^biznizman," "Brodvay" and—as 
a generic name for all cigarcucs— 
Looky Strooky 
In many instances, moreover, Russo- 
American language confusions аге com- 
pounded by our mutual reliance upon. 
translators—as was evidenced by an 
Associated Press report of aft designer 


lers at the S. 
"Do you have house tra 
a newsman asked. 

“Mr. Yeger replied in a word: ‘Nyet.’ 

"The newsman had a pretty good idea 
what the word meant, but he asked Mr. 
Yeger's interpreter for an explanation 
‘The interpreter replied: ‘He says that 
they do not like houses on wheels in 
Russia. They prefer а more permanent, 
stable type of housing.’ " 
The AP report implies that the tran 
tor may have been ta few propa- 
ndistic liberties. But if a simple nyet 
could be interpreted to mean all that, da 
ight be translated iything from 
fay the bluebird of happiness unilater- 
ally establish a permanent type of hous- 
ing in your left nostril” 
Suooky Green is back, 
has got him!" 

To reduce the re 


п Diego County 
Jers in. Russi 


ance upon human 


interpreters and speed translation of 
Russian news articles and  scienülic 
papers, some U.S. Government agencies 
have resorted to the usc of computer 
type scanning devices that can provide 
“a rough but meaningful translation." 
But computer men are still working on 
the problem of producing a machine that 
can do the same for speech. To date, our 
computers have been hard-pressed to 
cope with spoken English, and che level 
of conversation. Бем man and ma- 
chine has been such that only а latter- 
day Bell could be expected to endure it. 
In one historic chat, the computer —a 
gabby IBM 650—was instructed to 
“Remember this month is August, today 
we had rain and severe heat. Yesterday 
it was sunny and hot. Tomorrow it will 
be cold and cloudy. That is all" The 
conversation then ran as follow 


Man: Did you enjoy the rain we 
had this afternoon? 
Machine: Not ically, what I like 
sunny weatli 
Man: In hor weather one needs 
at least one bath every day. 
Machine: Yes, I was just out and 
it was sweltering, 
Man: When Christmas comes, 
we will have some colder weather. 
Machine: Cold? Yes. it's usually 
pretty frosty during December. 
Today is clear weather. 


Machine: Let me have no lying. 
It becomes none but tradesmen. 
How can overcast weather and the 
clear day you mention coexist? 


As can be seen from this historic ex- 
change, which took place at the annual 
meeting of the American Association for 
the Advancement of Science in Decem- 
ber 1959, Mr achine was not onl 
crashing bore but was capable of getting 
е snotty. Science lad, in fact, pro- 
gramed it t way—requiring the ma- 
chine ^to call its interrogator to task" 
whenever he tried to mislead or deceive 

What science had in mind in 1959 is 
anybody's guess. But to me, the unex- 
plained and wholly gratuitous slur at the 
honesty of bourgeois “tradesmen,” and 
the odd use of “coexist” in speaking of 
the weather, suggested that the computer 
cowd may have been grooming the 
device to serve as a kind of mechanical 
Khrushchev—possibly with a view to 
pairing it off with a multicircuited mock- 
up of Richard M. Nixon, for the world's 
first fully automated East-West kitchen 
debate, 

What with the vagaries of American 
and Soviet politics, and the subsequent 
decline in prominence that both states- 
men endured, any such plan would have 
had to be scuttled, of course. But could 
пу mere computer ever have captured 
the sincerity and deep warmth of Mr. 
Nixon's linguistic style? I think not. The 
world may little note nor long remember 


his moving farewell speech to the Ame 
can press, but can any American—be he 
Republican, Democrat or young-Turk 
wegetariam—ever forget Mr, Nixon's 
heartrending allusion to his children's 
dog. Checkers, during his (Mr. Nixon's) 
campaign as candidate for Vice-President 
in 1952? A lump caught in the nation's 
throat. and every cocker spaniel in Ameri- 
ca walked a little taller the next day. 

In the final sense, you cannot program 
greatness into a machine. But the тере 
tion of certain key ideas voiced by New 
York's Governor Nelson Rockefeller dur 
ing his hard-fought failure to win the 
Republican Presidential nomination in 
1961 inspired reporters to devise а 
shorthand that did, in fact, resemble the 
abbreviations used in computer pro- 
gruning. “Bomfog,” The New York 
Times reported, was the one-word jour 
nalistic shorthand for the governor's oft- 
repeated reference to “the brotherhood 
of man under the fatherhood of God.” 
“Moat” stood for “mainstream of Ameri- 
can thought," "Fisteg" for "fiscal integ- 
rity” and “Goveclop” for "government 
closest to the people. 

In reviewing the list, I could not find 
any phrase or idea that a mecha 
п couldn't have handled as е 
a discussion of the weather—and if it 
could, additionally, promote world Bom- 
fog by providing a “rough but meaning- 
ful” translation into other languages, so 
much the better. “But what is actually 
being done in this vital arca?" I occa- 
sionally wondered in the period between 
1959 and today. Possibly the Computer- 
speak program had been taken over by 
Defense and was now subject to Secregs 
(security regulations), I speculated. And, 
for a while there, 1 was sure of it. 

As anyone the least bit familiar with 
the Goveclop’s budgetary strategies well 
knows, appropriations for hush-hush de- 
fense projects are often subsumed under 
purposely misleading categories—like 
putting Z-bomb funds under urban re- 
newal. So when the United Pres Inter- 
national’s Washington. bureau released 
the following lightly censored “portion of 
a transcript of a hearing of a House Ap- 
propriations subcommittee on military 
aid to Morocco," I was able to draw my 
own conclusions: 


Representative Ouo Pasman: Be- 
yond the —, and the what 
is the next пеш? Are there any 


Stephen О. 
no — in- 


Mr. Passman: What elsé do you 

have in the package? 
General Fuqua: There are some 
Mr. Pasman: How many —? 
General Fuqua: —. 


And there it was, plain as the nose on 


a Nike missile, It was no longer a ques- 
tion of whether or not General Fuqua 
had any Computerspeak devices in his 
package. Tt was merely a matter of how 
many and how soon. In the interest of 
ng universal Bomfog, science 
птеп had teamed up to crack 
the language barrier! 

World Peafrip (peace and friendship) 
was just around the corner, to be had at 
the turn of an automated, multilingual 
phrase! Optimism spiced my own con- 
versation like sceds in a loaf of crusty 
rye. The possible failure of Computer 
speak was a thing unthinkable—until 
some four years later, when the Univer- 
sity of California at Los Angeles issued a 
report on a “polite conversation” be- 
tween a professor and a quick brown 
computer called Agi report so еїш 
gent with dialogic defeat as to qualify 
as а droll, botiom-ofthe-pige column 
stuffer in The New Yorke 


Professor: Are you a man? 

Agile: No power ma 

(A пар button was then pushed to 
cause some decrementing of ma- 
trices.) 

Professor: Are you a man? 

Agile: No power man. 

(The sap button was pushed 


Professor: Are you a man? 

Agile: No power man be. 

(Again the map button 
pushed.) 

Professor: What are you? 

Agile: I be machine. 

(This time the coop button was 
pushed.) 

Professor; Are you a man? 

Agile: I no be. 

(Now the coon button again.) 

Professor: Are you a machine? 
Be 1 bad machine? 
NEUTRAL button—the only 
choice other than соор and bav— 
was pushed.) 

Profesor: I think you are all 
right. 

Agile: —. 


was 


"hat was it. End of polite conversa- 
tion. 

Decrementing my own matrices, 1 
pushed a mental “Oh, pshaw" button— 
the only choice other than “#%82!" 
ERE ке 

Good old science had done it again. 
h the world in the throes of a mas- 
sive communications crisis, the Com- 
puterspeak contribution was “No power 
man 

The phrase had a curiously hippie 
sound, I thought, as did most of Agile's 
replies. After seven solid years of dis- 
cussing the weather and kindred incon- 
sequentials with their human masters, 
were the new-generation computers 
rebelling—going psychedelic? Would 


their соор and вар buttons have to be 
altered to read Go NAKED and LEGALIZE 
ror? Were they, indeed, turning on, 
tuning in . . . dropping out? 

In what seemed like a desperate 
establishment move to forestall any such 
trend, a research psychologist at the Bell 
Telephone Laboratories in Murray Hill, 
New Jersey, came out with “a new f 
of English that could improve man's 
ability to communicate with computers, 
The New York Times reported less than 
two months later. “The language is 
called FASE for Fundamentally Analyz- 
able Simplified English.” 
rinen in FASE сап be 
readily broken down by a computer into 
subject, predicate, object and modifiers,” 
the report explained. "While the ma- 
chine still does not know what the words 
mean, it ‘comprehends’ their function as 
indicated by the order in which they 
appear in the sentence. 

Ambiguous words and  phrasing, 
therefore, must be avoided. Figures of 
speech and sl ble if the 
computer can distinguish their functi 
in a sentence. An expression like ‘cool i 
man’ would baffle the machi 

The message loud and clear. 
Agile’s hippie-dippie dropout days were 
numbered. But if the new breed of or- 
ganization computers are incapable of 
digging isolated figures of speech and 
slang, their usefulness as promoters of 
universal Bomfog can be scored off as 
. World Peafrip will never 
come about through the parsing of sen- 
tences. Instant understanding is essen- 
tial, and there is no quicker route to 


g аге accept 


comprehension than through the use of 
figures of speech and slang. “Cool it,” I 


suddenly realized, is probably the single 
most pacifistic utterance evi 


T coined by 
the mind of man, while “OK” is the most 
widely used and universally understood 
expression in the modern world. 

"The two American English words 
that have had the greatest fortune 
abroad in recent times are ‘OK’ and 
"nylon, " Professor Mario Pei of Colum- 
bia University declared in his informative 
and entertaining Story of English. “The 
former is heard practically all over the 
world, and the latter [nylon] became so 
popular during and after the War that 
in languages like Greek and Turkish 
it has become an adjective meaning 


While sports, commerce and jazz have 
all contributed to the use of such Ameri- 
canisms, the biggest single influence has 
been the American GI. Before World 
War Two, Italy had “already rendered 
cold cream and football by colerem 
and futbol,” Pei pointed out in 1952. But 
with the GI occupation of Italy, tegedizi 
it easy” and tumorro for 
“tomorrow” became current—the latter 
being “used as an adjective to mean 
‘lazy,’ "slow. . . . Latest among Italian 
appropriations,” Pei added, were “buki 
buki (boogiewoogie), pulova (pullover) 
and gomma americana (bubble gum, а 
distinguished from ordinary gum, which 
is ciuinga)." 

The American occupation of post-Wa 
Germany brought about a similar assimi- 
lation of useful Americanisms, Pei found. 
German conversation “swarmed with 


“So Christians give you heartburn? I’ve got news for 
you. Christians give everybody heartburn.” 


147 


PLAYBOY 


148 


such phrases as "Macht nix to те!" (It 
makes no difference to me"), ‘That's for 
bistimmt"" ("Таг for sure"), ‘Get raus!" 
(Get out) and ‘Let's go essen!" (Let's go 
. German musical pieces,” he con- 
cluded, “are replete with expressions like 
boogiewoogie and hillbilly, and С 
g pages with team 


More recently, of course. 
roll” has replaced "boogicwoogie," and 
the aflluent € glom- 
g onto such useful Yankee commer- 
s “discount house,” "ready 10 
shopping center" and "cash und. 
According to latest reports, а fa 
vorite рін mong the lively ones in 
German advertising is now “Ziehn wirs 
ат Flaggenmast hoch und sehn wir wer 
gruesst” ("Lets run it up the flagpole 
and see if anyone salutes”). But, happily, 
the new Deutsche idiom  bespeaks а 
desire to te the folkways and 
scology of Madison Avenue, rather 

ап elfort to rally the Germans 
round the Flaggenmast for new mil 
adventures, 


wear.” 


emu 


decade or so, it has 
become culturally chic to deplore the 
spread of the Mad Ave influence—other- 
nown as Coca-Coloniali But no 
home or abroad. can truthfully 
world acceptance of American 
d expressions has been im 
t the point of a gun. Run the 
пате “Coc-Cora” up a flagpole in 
Japan, for example, and thousands will 
Salue of their own fee will, Apart from 
the perpetually ruflled political wings of 
the Japanese left and right, the only pro- 
test will come from those who 
legiance is to СосаСогаѕ competitor, 
"Pepusi-Cora" 

Like his American counterpar 

of the Japanese 
now gocs to work 
(ush hour) and ral 
(elevator) up to his office. He 
“shatsu” (shirt) with a but- 
tondown “kara” and natty “neckutai.” At 
home, he watches "terebi" (TV) or “tere 
Lision,” and when the umpire calls "Pray 
boru!” and the home team scores 
"hoomurun," he's apt to be munching а 
“houo dogga." Part Amer-English and 
part Japanese, the new lingo has been 
dubbed "Japlish;" and old Tokyo hands 
have all they can do to keep up with its 
growth. “Woi u Words Are Slip- 
ping into the | ^" Emerson Ch 
pin. recently The New York 
Times. “How nguistic assimila- 
ion may go, no ome cam say. But the 
se chiineijya (teenag- 
er) savoring isu kurimu (v 
ice cream) as he shakes his head 
rhythm to the ‘Riib: 
pool sound) emanating from the јук 
baaksu (jukebox) makes clear that this 
once isolated nation is becoming attuned 
10 the modern. West. 


exports 
posed 


5s an * 


ebet 
wears a clean 


эшти saundo’ (Live 


The bafflement that such fundamen- 


tally analyzable Japlish expressions 
would cause a computer fed on Bell 
Telephones FASE is too enormous to 


contemplate. Blown fuses and burned- 
out circuits would result from “baniira 
айа kurimu" alone. But the mind of man 


is still beautifully resilient, In. Vietnam, 
where American English is a relative 
newcomer among foreign tongues, both 
the Viemamese and the American Gls 
refer 10 anything wondalaru as being 
number one"—an expression borrowed 
from сапу Japlish. Anything inferior is 
called “number ten.” Among themselves, 
nese refer ta Americans as 
7 just as they still refer to the 
old French colonialists as "long noses.” 
Among American Gls, all Orientals are 
known as “slopes” or "slants"—presuma 
bly in allusion to the shape of their eyes. 
And both the “big fce" and the 
are given to using the old "long nose’ 
term beaucoup as а superlative for prac- 
ісу anything—a beaucoup female 
slope. a beaucoup muggy day or a situ 
tion that is “pretty goddamned beaucoup 
lousy.” 

The only other old colonial Fr 
that the Gls have adopted from the Viet 
fini pronounced “fee-nee’ 
nd used to signily “finished, through 
1 washed up. over and done with." 
hus defined, the word might well be 
used to describe the present status of 
French as а major world language. Once 
the lingua internaciona of diplomacy, 
philosophy, science, art, commerce and 
polite society, French has experienced а 
decine from world favor that has been 
as spectacular as the rise of English. In 
tems of use. the language of Racine, 
Rabelais, Diderot and De Gaulle is now 
number eleven—one below number te 
is Portuguese, and two below 


‘slant 


namese ds 


this loss of lin 
it Fre 
use ol 


tic prestige that 
ach protests ар; 
isms by 
thr 
nism to the "purity 
ge,” that Premier 


nst 


eping America 
of the French langu 
Georges Pompidou himsell has assumed 
leadership ol a "High Commission" for 
the defense of the French tongue against 
such cor nco-Amcricanisms as 
“le weekend,” "le drugstore.” 
tease,” “le knock-outé,” and le 1 
happy hybrid of francais and anglais 
new language of convenience is 
as "Franglai" amd serves to cover a 
whole slew of things for which French 
can provide no appropriate word—pour 
example, “la starlette,” “un biki 
shoris.” la caligi le selfser 
bes seller” “le sandwich 
(sacred blue!) “la sex-appe: 

Earlier on. when the Franglais 
Нар was aborning, American language 
expers sought to allay French fears by 
pointing out that the English Janguage 


on F 


and even 


had been borrowing freely from the 
French since the Norman Conquest. “It 
is a natural thing to augment our stock 
of words with whatever is useful" ex 
plained Professor Alan Walker Read of 
Columbia University. “For example — 
cordon sanitaire, enfant terrible, cause 
eclébre—there's nothing in English with 
the same flavor; amd derrière, there's 
а useful euphemism. 
Sane words and 


sound reasoning. 
t might 
be considered Without 
derriere, Americans would indeed be flat 
on their plain old backsides, rumps, be 
toms, tails, behinds, asses, ares, bui- 
tocks, posteriors, prais, slats, [undame 
and fannies, Lacking couture and cui 
sine, they would have only dothes and 
chow. If, as one American dictionary edi- 
tor maintains, few new words are being 
imported from France, it is because “we 
have borrowed all we need. Now they 


French lends class to much th 


other 


саз. 


tronics amd automation," he observes. 
"That's because the French. Academy is 
slow to translate or replace them. 
Slow is hardly the mot. Th 
word in French or English to describe 
the stately pace at which the 
Academy proceeds 
of producing “new 
present edition was begun im 1935 
When last heard (тот, in February 
1967, the Academy had advanced 
as the lener C. Barring unforese 
Jays, the "Immortal" members sho 
around to debating the merits of * 
" “les shorts” and “la sui 


is no 


dictionaries. 


as far 


at 


shine in French society. “Brainstorming,” 
“le bull (market and "nervous break- 
down" are among the 40004 Franglais 
expressions that the weekly Le Nou 
Candide has recommended to those of 
the French upper crust who desire to re 
main à la mode without having to resort 
to а topping of baniira aisu kurimu. In 
addition, all should know how to pro 
nounce and when to let drop such pres 
tigious noms de Americam commerce as 
“Saks Fifth Avenue,” “AlkaSelver.” 
“Women's Wear Daily ruit of the 
Loom.” 

What the inclusion of the last-named 
iorebodes concerning the future ої 
French couture, I do not know. Bur it is 
rather apparent, I think, that the f 
of nations cares less for our Bomfo; 
it does for our 
"While pretending to deplore ou 
culture, 
phy and poetry—prelerring instead to 
speak of our solt drinks, skivvies, sports, 
supermarkets and brand-name pharma 
ceuticals. 

1t is also curious to note that, despite 
all criticism and protests, the voluntary 


ац 


and 


it turns a deaf ear to our pl 


Jerry Lewis found out 
what makes the Crew-Sader 

a Supersock. 48 terrific colors. 
Crew-Sader by ¥nterweven: 


Another fine product of [F Kayser-Roth 


PLAYBOY 


150 which is "loincloth for the neck. 


adoption of such Americanisms is one of 
the few truly hopeful and harmonious 
a in the world of modern Jli 


over Langua 


Riots 


one rea 
dash with their French-speaking coun- 
ing parade of Flemings in 
LANGUAGE ISSUE ANNOYS 
* "One Slain and 91 Hurt 
суюп in Revival of Linguistic 
Conflict." "NORWAY 15 SPLIT BY WAR OF 
worps. Vehement Factions Ваше over 
Possible Merger of Two Official La 
guages.” “MADRAS STUDENTS RIOT 
LANGUAGE. Oppose Law to Make Hindi 
India's Offici “Tongue.” “Ind Isa 
Suicide by Fire in Language Protest 
“SECOND MAN 15 SUICIDE BY IRE IN 
maneas. Student Also Slain as Police Fire 
on Anti-Hindi Rally.” “Youth Killed as 
anguage Riots in India Go On.” 

As background to the anti-Hindi riots 
of 1965, the National Geographic Socie- 
ty noted that the 469,000,000 people 
of India speak 179 languages and 544 
dialects, Of these, about 40 percent of 
the population speak pure or dialectal 
Hindi, the language of the ruling Con- 
gres Party—though official business be 
tween language groups has traditionally 
been conducted in English, in accord- 
ance with the pattern established under 
Brita 1 rule. Rioting erupted 
when the Congress Party dedared Hindi 
to be the official national language, and 
offered special preferment to civil serv- 
s who either spoke or learned il. 
The  non-Hindispeaking majority 
pelled ас thus having Hindi rammed 
down their thro: 
favor of preservi 
of all Indi 


n's coloi 


es by n 


English accepted 
tongue. 50 
deaths sel-immolations were 


tabulated. Peace was restored only alter 
Prime Minister Shastri took to the air 
waves to broadcast assurances that 
lish “would continue as the alter 
official language for as long as the non. 
li speaking states wanted it to." 

"To Americans, the fervor of the In- 
n protesters may seem to have been 
far in excess of their grievance. But the 
anti-Hindi willingness to dic for the con- 
nued use of English becomes rather un- 
derstandable when one learns that the 
citizens of one Indian town construed a 
lindi announcement of a baby contest 
to mean, “There will be a wrestling 
match of th 


tive 


English word 
ler 


The word "radio" is rendered even 
more inexactly as "celestial voice," while 
the ultimate in linguistic confusion is 
reached with the Hindi for "necktie"— 


As the Indian donnybrook once 
indicated, the growing popularity of 
English stems not from its ability to con- 
vey the noble Bomfogisms of Western 
thought but from the usefulness of its 
leser coinages—the innumerable small 
precisions that enable a man to distin- 
guish between his necktie and his nether 
garments, and to know for an absolute 
certainty whether he is wanted on the 
telephone or desired by some pranksome 
seductress who would tickle his cars 
with a lite pink feather. 

"Time and again, our linguistic less has 
proved to be both more and best, I be 
latedly came to realize. Small words on 
great occasions hum the course of 
events. By eschewing Bomfog and fa- 
ng the commonplace, our astronauts 
and inventors have—albeit unwittingly 
—done much to point the conversational 
way to Peafrip among all the peoples of 
the earth. “Hi, Mahatma, can you hear 
me?” "Mr. Moto, come here, please, I 
want you!” “Hello, Paris. Have you had 
an Alka-Seltzer today?” These are the 
locutions of everyday life, and it has 
been through just this kind of small talk 
that our dialog with the world has been 
most successful, 

"OK," “cool it,” “pray bor- 
language has contributed 
deterrents to violence. 
But despite its increasing use, Amer- 
English still ranks in second place. In 
numbers of speakers, it is yet surpassed 
by Chinese-Mandarin, whose 460,000,000 
adherents talk mostly among themselves 
hin the confines of mainland China. 
But even here there is reason to hope. 


again 


vor 


w 


pstanding all present barriers to 
ication, а Chinese ear tickler is 
te lu jêng, and fivecard 
ng is still a game of p'u Ke. 
se borrowing is one that 
seems to have fallen sadly into disuse of 
Тае. It is yu meh, for "humor"—a word 
that was “number one" when Chinese 
trade with the West was conducied in a 
language called “pidgin.” A linguistic 
Moo Goo Gai Pen concocted of English 
words and Chinese syntax, pidgin took 
its name from the Cantonese pronuncia- 
tion of the English word "business," and 
ave rise to а no-tickee-noshirtee patois 
that spread to the South Seas, where 
natives of a thousand different tongues 
now communicate in what Professor Pei 
has called “pidgin par excellence. . . . 
Here we find expressions like put clothes 
belonga table (set the table); what for 
you kinkenau knife belong me? (why did 


you swipe my knile?)." 

New Guinea, which has an estimated 
total of 700 unwritten languages, now 
boasts its own pidg , the Nu 
Toktok—or 
Talk—with a Belong 
nde Skul” ("Picture Lesson Belonging 


to Sunday School”) and a headline style 
that American newspapers might do well 
to cultivate з antidote to declining 
circulations. RENIN KOS LONG YUT 
WOK ASISTEN LONG POT MOSBL" one in- 
wiguing banner talk-talks in announdng 
a “Training Course for Youth Work As- 
sistants at Port Moresby.” "pisPELA TOK 
INDONESIA IBIN KALABUSIM LULUAI INO 
ток TRU,” another declares. "This Fel- 
low Who Talks that Indonesia Has С 
boosed a Headman, He No Talk True. 

In addition to all the pidgin that's fit 
to print, New Guineans also enjoy the 
use of such beautifully apt expres 
sions as kanki cuss-cuss for "irritable per 
son" and long-long-along-drink for—you 
guessed ii—' drunk." Equally vivid and 
are the homey р sms of Samoa 
hiti, where belly-belong-me-walk 
about-stoo-much is the synonym fe up 
set stomach" and water-belong-stink i 
alla same “perfume.” This is not to be 
confused with killimstink-fella, which 
is the pidgin for “disinfectant” in the 
Australian bush, where a mosquito is 
singim-along-dark-fella, and a wravelin 
salesman 


spotted a mile away as bı 


8 
m-thal-one! 

with a 
difference—acative, colorful and per- 
ceptive. Jt grabs the ear, the eye and the 
imagination. It communicates, and de 
onstrates that our language is indeed an 
instrument that any number can play. 


is al 
alk-talk. 
Most important of all, pidgin English 
has the power to make us see our world 
anew—as through the eyes of the Solo- 
mon Islander who summed up his im- 
pressions of New York in this wise: "Me 
look um big fella place. He high up too 
much. He alla same one fella mountain." 
As a lifelong resident of that same 
у, 1 can vouch for the fact that no or 
has ever said it better. Any fella belong 
Nu Yok, or ride um pok-im-along-choo- 
choo 10 wok from suburbs, knows dispela 
tok tru. He be man. He no machine be. 
But hold on a second. Tegedizi. The 
voice is fan our 
old friend Agile, the computer, hadn't 
been such a conversational dud, after 
all? Could it have been that in its “polite 
conversation" with the professor, Agile 
had been practicing to talk pidgin? If so, 
then there is still a chance tl 
puterspeak may yet emerge as the number 
one weapon in the war of words. The 
ultimate peacemaker, programed хо 
translate all the world’s dullness, Bomfog 
and blather into fundamentally unde 
standable pidgin 
Lets se 
those big-fell 
general s 
Ah, yes: 
It hardly seems enough. 


г. Is it possible tha 


. How many of 
ilk machines did the 
his package? 


now. 
alk- 
he had i 


“How far did I go in school? Well . . . occasionally, all the way.” 


151 


PLAYBOY 


Е м 
я La 


It 
tastes 
expensive 
„апі is. 


Maker's | 
y Mark: 


S WHISKY 
= VES 


Made from an original old style 
sour mash recipe by Bill Samuels. 
fourth generation Kentucky Distiller. 


Also available in Limited Edition at 101 proof. 


50 proof + Star Hill Distilling Co., Star Hill Farm, Loretto, Ny. 


Savings 
earn 6% 
tax-free at 


Commonwealth Trust 
(Bahamas) Limited 
Bankers 


O Interest credited quarterly. 

C] 76; on 3-year Term Deposits 

Cj Valuable premiums on Savings 
accounts and Term Deposits 


C] Deposits accepted іп U.S. and 
Canadian dollars and sterling 
(repayable in same currency): 
other currencies after approval 

C) All barking and trust services, 


[J Confidential accounts. 


COMMONWEALTH TRUST 
(BAHAMAS) LIMITED ü 


French Building, 
Marlborough & George St., 
P.O. Box 4093, Nassau, Bahamas Е 
Please provide det: on the follow- 
Nr: uu account: P2/67 
ü C Savings account. [7] Term Deposit | | 


lame eee 


Nase. e. 


(continued. from page 67) 


sec him now, mouth slightly open. Very 
attractive. Oh, Gloria wasn't bored. She 
was embalmed! 

When тартарлар on her chamber 
door, it’s the blond one. Could he have 
some ice cubes, please. Looking like an 
archangel, and his name is Michael! Can 
you bear it? 

Nor сап I. 

So, just on ап impulse, No. I said, I 
won't let you һа 
have a drink 

Oh, but, said he, finger pointing to- 
ward heaven, I have these friends up 
there. 

Ah, well, the more angels the better, 
Go fetch them, I said. And while he was 
upstairs fetching, E telephoned the liquor 
store. 

Oh. Oh, thank you, Tom, for that 
wonderfully salty contribution to my 
tale. Geil and Harry are so grateful to 
hear all about the liquor bill. Now ba 
to sleep, don't exhaust yourself, and we'll 
just see if I can’t somehow manage io 
limp through the story without all this 
detailed assistance. 

So. 

I no more than hang up the phone 
when the parade begins. This lovely air- 
borne parade. Angels and archangels. 
Cherebum and seraphim, 
winged crcature, lighting gr 
the furniture. 

Slight hyperbole There 
only thee, actually. Three boys. 

And this curious gi 

A dreadful litle stump of а thing 
named Jo-Anne. All hair and horn-rims. 
"Truly. All you could see was its smock, 
its little fists, with ud-aay galore under 
its fingernails, ça va san» dire, and the 
most formidable hair. Virtually, you 
could not see its face without trespass- 
ing. 1 haven't to this day the faintest 
notion of what the child looked like. 

And yet, in retrospect, she managed, 
without speaking so much as a word that 
anyone heard, mind you, she saw to it 
that she became the star of the evening. 
Truly! This unappetizing little bitch! 

Wait! Wait! 1 have to tell things in my 
own w 

All right: I knew she'd been living up 
there with the three, because Id been 
seeing her for a couple of weeks, darting 
about the halls with pathetic little gro- 
cery bags. Making herself useful, T sup- 
pose. It seems Michael the archangel 
had found her in the street in front of 
The Dom one morning at dawn, just sit- 
ting there inside of all this hair, and 
brought her home ro make a little sister 
of her. Apparendy they adore having 
le sisters. 

(And mothers, ahaha.) 

So at one point, on ze glorious Friday 
night, Michael follows me to what we 


хе а single cube, but you 
т; 


here: 


were 


laughingly call the bar, that sad little tea 
wagon there, and wants to know wi 
1 think of his 
Michael, I have 
what is all that hair abou 

He looked at me with these ghost blue 
eyes (Сей, you'd faint!) and he said, per- 
feetly serious, Jo-Anne’s in hiding. From 
herself. 

Oh, you idiot, Harry. of course I 
didn't laugh. What am 12 Granted, in- 
side, in here where it counts, 1 was split- 
ting, But not a flicker did 1 show. 

Then Michael sai I hope 
you'll пу to bring her out, will ya? Try 
to get to know her a litle? She's very 
worth while, she has all kinds of original 
thoughts, insights, ideas, she has her 
own little window on the world. 

(Window! I thought, what the poor 
thing needs is a periscope!) 

In any cac, I was distinedy uneager, 
to enter that red, unwashed 


Jo-Anne. And I said, 
't even seen her ye 


shall we say. 
wigwam. Treasure-trove or no. 

But anyway, there we all were, having 
our otherwise memorable and splendid 
riday night: One of the boys was doing 
perfectly thrilling things with his hands, 
an entire puppet show without puppets, 
unbelievably touching. And it was all 
wonderfull 

But a 


h so for Tom. Gay 
ixed, un peu. So 
I get on the blower once more and call 
Tom deuxième, who stagemmanages at 
this coffeehouse over here, vou know 
the one, Café Something, oliolLofto[J- 
Broadway? 

Seconds later, in traipses he with the 
ent t of this terribly integrated re- 
vue. And then. Tom, my Tom, Tom 
premier, really perks up. Tom likes Alri- 
tans. Oh, he does he does he does! 
When I'm suntanned, he can't keep his 
hands to himself. The dark shadow of 
Momma or something! 

Oh, look! look! that brought him to 
life again! The sound of his own libido 
ways does it. 1 have the most self. 
referencing husband in the world, 1 wish 
there were a contest I could enter him 
in. Back to sleep, tiger. 

Well now, with all this utter. variety 
going on all over the place, I think— 
selfless being that I am—of all my dear 
square friends uptown. And I want them 
with me. J want them to see that Life 
Gan Be Beautiful. So, on the blower 
gain, dialing my fingies right down to 
the knuckles, Come at once! I shout to 
all and sundry, Laughs, etc, at Gloria's, 
And Tom's. 

I did call you! 

Tom, how many times in all did J call 
Ceil and Harry? Eight, or was it only 
twenty? 

Well, if people arc mad emo 
entomb themselves 
the first really brilliant night of the 
summer . . . 

It was glorious. I was balmy. It was 


to 
t the cinema o: 


heaven replete with angels. All you 
could smell was life—and perhaps a lit- 
Че pot, haha. We threw open that door 
to the fire escape, every window in the 
place, even the skylight, and let every 
one flow at will. 

Talk about heterogeneous! We had 
everything. Plus these performers. Oh, I 
grant you the revue itself stunk! (But 
isn't that always the way? By the time 
anything gets on the boards in this town, 
it's packaged to extinction?) But the 
kids! Themselves! The talent could kill 
you! 1 won't tell you about this one sing- 
. not yet, I'm saving that! You'll dic. 
Where am I, for God's sake? 

Oh, ves, the gnome. Jo-Anne. 

At odd intervals throughout the evc- 
ning or shall 1 say night, out of the cor- 
e, I catch. its litle act 


ner of my e 
Nothing. 
In short, it sits. A perfect lump. Inside 

of itself. Occasionally Michael goes over 

10 it, puts hís angel nose inside this dis- 

astrous hair and whispers to it, Tt whis- 

pers back. He puts his arm around it. He 
takes it to the roof for a breath of air, He 
guides it across the room to meet some- 
опе. He gives it a Сос-Сої 

(Nota bene: It doesn't dr 
пог. Oh. no. not at all, my di 
ing so simple! Wait till you hea 
coming up!) 

Now let's do a little montage of time 
g on: Ме, very matron you 
belore you, doing а watusi with the 
puppeteer te good, actually); 
Michael, trying to get his litle catatonic 
to dance: Tom here, trying to get a little 
something else going on the rool. 

He didn't hear that, just as well, Га 
beter whisper: Yes, my Tom, Tom pre- 
mier, mol cohabiting w Africans оп 
the fire escape, and not very pleased 
about it. No thank you, said Miss Ghana. 
A stunning thing she was, imperial, and 
quite an artist of the purdown, apparent 
ly. Tom doesn't know I had a full report. 

What, Tom? Nothing, baby. you're 
just sensitive. Now nod olf for Momma; 
that's it. 

Isn't he heaven? 

So! Emergency time! Michael, the 
guardian angel of the gnome, backs 
Momma into the bedroom! Yes, me! "Too 
good to be true, surely! 

Alas, it was 100 good to be true: 
didu't want Gloria, he wanted money. 

Thirty-five smackeroos. Which is not 
ty-five cents, need I add. 

Good h Michael, 
thats a great deal of mone 
Oh, but he simply had to have it! 

Frankly, he didn't look like he was 
Kidding, either, he was white as a sheet. 

I said, Michael, are you in some kind 
of trouble? 

No, but a friend of mine is, he said. 

(Big light Hashes on) 

Jo-Anne? E said. 

Yes, she’s sick, she's very sick. She's 


h 


d liq 
s! Noth- 
what's 


He 


u 


ens, тері 


got to have some е was everso- 
tiny а pause) some attention! he said, 
She's gor to have some attention! 

(Klieg lights flash on.) 

Drugs? I said. 

Michael nodded. 

H* I said. 

H. he said. 

And you want me to put up the thirty- 
five dollars to get her through this one? 

You've got to, he said. 

I've got to? 1 thought. My back went 
up. I adore this boy, but I. don't got to 
anything of the kind. My Tom works like 
a demon for thirty-five dollars; I felt 
guilty enough pouring out our good 
uor for these young snomoses. Which 
they sy all the while I'r 
silently put down Tom for being 
such a sq s to actually practice any 
thing so dreary as 
come up with the money to finance a 

‘or them. 
v. it made me cross. 

But Gloria did not blow her cool. АП 
she said was, Michael darling, why have 
1 got to? / сапт айога such expensive 
vices myself, why must I support Jo- 
Anne's? 

Because she's bi 


sure 


the law so he с 


iful, he said. Be- 


cause sh 
she's dying 

Dea hael, I 
tor at once if she’ 


a human being. Because 


id, get her to a doc- 
dying, don't come to 


4, Doctors file reports and 
s too young to have her Ше 


ruined. 

Well, yes, I said, there is a question of 
legality, isn’t there. And you're asking 
me to involve myself? Please, I urged 
him, get the girl to a doctor! 

(To be perfectly honest, 1 wanted her 
out of my house.) 

He said he bet I wasn't so worried 
about legality ncometax time, or 
when I wanted an abortion. (He had me 
there! But of course the two things are 
not comparable!) 

In апу case, he w 
lutely turned on me! 

Screw doctors, he said, screw cops, 
screw legislators, screw. society! АШ she 

ght now is one human being. 

With which he turned on his heel and 
left the room 

I, of course, was the enemy. 


furious, he abso- 


needs 


Well. I went inio ze dainty powder 
room and did what I could with a little 
cold water applied 10 the face. I'm 


damned, I said, if my night's going to H 


“You knocked: 


153 


PLAYBOY 


154 


wrecked by that hirsute litle junkie! Oh, 
J felt sorry for her, God knows, but there 
was just one tcensy little question: 
Whose problem was it? Mine? 

‘The answer to that didn’t seem too 
піску to me, so 1 went in and poured 
myself a good, stiff one. 

As a matter of fact, I think ГИ fill this 
thing up right now. Oh, would you, Har- 
ту? Thank you, Right to the top, and not 
too much ice. No no no, the Scotch, 
damn it! 

I did not shout. 

So! Another montage. Le temps 
marche, it’s now Saturday A.M, party still. 
in progress. 

I only remember seeing Michael once 
more, he was passing through the dining 
room saying, Is there a human being in 
the house, is there a human being in the 
house—looking bitter and grave and 
fugitive from heaven; and that's the last 
I saw of him. Until . . . 

Oh, but I know what's nex 
thing! 

I won't be 
onc of those t. 


: this song 


ble to do justice to it, it’s 
ngs where you have to be 


. . . earth —mirth?—birth?—dearth? . . . 


there, But ГИ tr 

At some juncture or other, I'm none 
100 clear about time sequences, I came 
out of the bathroom and heard this fabu- 
lous silence. Everybody, all these young. 
wild things, standing stock-still, not utter- 
ing a sound. Well, well, wonders me, 
what's going on here? 

Then I heard! 

This singer was out on the fire escape. 
Singing to the rooftops. 

You know that song from Fantasticks: 
‘Try to remember a something September 
when nights are something and and 


something is something else? 
Well, this boy, an Italian, one of those 
three angels from above, with the most 
glorious tenor voice . . . 1 
Ni 


No, I'm wrong! Nor really glo- 
s! Not a voice! 

Merely perfect! Perfect for that song 
at that n t on that fire escape on 


nc; 


that Friday night. 
And everybody knew 
this 


‘There was 
sharing of 
1, and not а soul 


enormous, collective 


ly ma 


But that’s not all. Something hap- 
pened to top it. 

You know where the end of the song 
gocs: Follow follow follow? 

Well! Just as he got to that part, there 
sa new voice! A woman's. We don't 
know where she was. We don't know 
who she was. We couldn't even sce her. 
She was in some other building, way- 
wayway acos the courtyards, leaning 
out of some dirty little window, I sup. 
pose. And. when our tenor was through, 
she picked it up in her sad little penny 
whistle of a voice; she sang: 


Follow follow follow 


I cried. Me, who doe: 
1 cied. Im aying now! 

Everybody did. It was as if we were 
all seven, and pure again, and taking our 
first Holy Communion. Together. There 
was this feeling of the Oneness of hu- 
manity, the sort of thing Dostoievsky 
raved about. 
xcuse me, let me blow this nose. 

Honestly, Сей and Harry, I just adore 
this neighborhood. So its noisy, so its 
bearded and unwashed, so there are no 
taxis. You take all that, because it’s alive! 

Even if you are held responsible for 


Yt cry anymore. 


murdering all the junkies. Don't you love 
It's terribly popu- 
aywright started 


that kind of thinkin 
lar now. Some Negro pl: 
it: The daim is that I, Gloria, personally 
adjusted the rope around every black 
neck that's been strung up in the U. S. A. 
for the last one hundred years. And of 
course it follows that this same dreadful 
Gloria is responsible for shelling out 
thirty-five smackeroos to save the life of 
y drug fiend in Manhattan! 

think? 

d I are strictly from Squares- 
ville, we happen to think charity starts 
ht here, we sort of look after each oth- 
er first and. foremost, don't. we, sleeping 


beauty. 
Never mind, dear, not important. 
What? 
The girl? Jo-Anne? 
Well, I said! 
Harry, I did! 


Didn't 1? Well, I know I did, I must 
have, that’s what I've been going on and 
on about. 

Forgive me, then, 1 thought | said 
The poor litle thing did indeed die. 

Tom and 1 felt wretched, as you ca 
imagin 

She died the next afternoon. I guess 
they were trying to do the withdrawal 
bit upstairs, you know, homestyle? And 
it just plain did not work 

I saw Michael in the ball that evening 
nd he delivered the bare facts, looking— 
you guesed it, homesick for paradise— 
and so tragic. And pointedly not saying 
I told you so. 

I still adore him. It's just that once in 
a while he makes me a teensy bit cross. 


Elegance 


(continued from page 66) 


Combine strawberries, М cup sugar, 
Suawbeny liqueur and ‘inch liqueur 
n refrigerator 2 to 3 hours. 
» until thick but not stilí. Add. 
3 tablespoons sugar and vanilla to cream. 
In large bowl, combine pineapple, straw- 
berries, whipped cream and amaretti 
Toss lightly. Serve ice cold. 


1L Consommé with Spun Eggs 
Cold Chicken Jeanette 
Fresh Asparagus Vinaigrette 
Peaches in Champagne 
Demitasse 


CONSOMMÉ WITH SPUN EGGS 


ng 6 cups chicken broth or 3 cups 
roth and З cups beef broth to a 
at 3 eges well with wire 
whip or rotary egy beater. Slowly pour 
eggs into boiling broth, stirring constantly 
with wire whip. As soon as all eggs are 
added, remove soup from flame. Add 1 


rapid bo 


tablespoon cach of finely minced fresh 
chives and fresh chervil or parsley. 
COLD CHICKEN JEANETTE 

3 large whole breasts of chicken 

2 chicken backs 

1 large onion 

2 pieces celery 

6 sprigs parsley 


Salt, рерре 
5-07. block páté de foie gras or mousse 
de foie gras 

3 tablespoons butter 

3 tablespoons Hour 

уд cup heavy cream 

1 envelope plain gelatin 

12 fresh tarragon leaves 

100z. can consommé (for jelling) 

In 2 quarts slightly salted water, boil 
chicken breasts, chicken backs, onion, 
celery and parsley until breasts are ten- 
der—30 to 10 n (Backs are used to 
give broth body and are not part of 
finished dish.) When chicken is cool 
enough to handle, lift meat from bones 
nd skin, making 6 individual portions. 
Cut cach portion in half horizontally. 
Cut foie gras into 18 slices, dipping sharp 
ife into hot water lor casy slicing. 
Place a slice of foie gras between slices of 
chicken. Strain chicken broth. Season to 
аме with salt and pepper. If broth 
seems wi n flavor, add a packet or 
two of t bouillon. Set aside 114 
cups broth for suce. In a heavy sauce- 
pan, melt butter over low flame. Remove 
from flame and stir in flour, mixing well. 
Slowly stir in 114 cups broth. Bring to 
а boil; reduce flame and simmer 10 min- 
utes. Stir in heavy cream and remove 


from flame. Soften gelatin in 14 cup 
coll water. Stir gelatin into hot sauce. 
Chil sauce in refrigerator until it is 


about room temperature, but do not let 


“Sure, there’s still discrimination, 
but it is getting better.” 


L. Place chicken on serving platter. 
Alongside each portion of chicken, place 
2 slices foie gras. Pour sauce over chicken, 
mot over foie gras, coating each piece 


cach portion of chicken, press 2 tarragon 
leaves in ушр Chill consommé in 
‚ but do not let it jell, Brush 
поште over both chicken and foie 
gras, coating both with light film. Re- 
turn to refrigerator until consommé sets. 
Balance of consommé may be jelled 
completely and forced through pastry 
bag and tube as garnish for platter. 


FRESH ASPARAGUS VINAIGRETTE. 


Remove tough ends from 3 Ibs. large- 
size fresh asparagus. The asparagus will 
usually snap at point where tough end 
begins, or ends may be cut off with knife 
p stalks uniform in size. Pare cach 
stalk with able peeler to remove 
stringy outside and scales, Wash very 


vege 


well to remove any sand. Boil in salted 
er until tender—I0 to 15 minutes. 


Drain. Chill thoroughly. Serve, on leaves 
of Boston lettuce, with an olivcoil 
French dressing favored with finely 


chopped pimientos and hard-boiled egg. 
Egg шау be omitted if desired. 


PEACHES IN. CHAMPAGNE 


Dip 9 
freestone peaches in boiling water for 
about 1 minute. Hold under cold run- 
ning water. Peel peaches and cut into 
Veincthick slices, Sweeten with 14 cup 
sugar or more to taste. Mix well. Chill 
thoroughly in refrigerator. Chill a pint 
of dry champagne. Pour champagne 
over peaches in large glass bowl. 

‚ only a small sam- 
pling of the elegant alfresco fare avail- 
able to the urban outdoorsman, Day or 
ht, the sky's the limit for doit-your- 
self dining out. 

[Y] 


large- or 12 medium-size ripe 


This is, of cour 


155 


PLAYBOY 


HORSE’S HEAD 


He was a man of excellent wit, 
y dedded, even though his 
brown eyes were set rather too close to 
his nose. "O'Brien, there is no problem 
ontinued. “This gentleman will ma 
е corpse. 

O'Brien, who was the man with the 
her elbow patches, studied Mullaney 
h toomorbid interest. Mullancy, de 
ciding this was the time to voice his own 
s on the subject, said, “Gentle. 
pk I will make a fine 


ke 


sentime 
men, / don't th 
corpse." 

You will make a fine corpse,” Gouda 
isted. 

“Seriously, репо y 
"E can think of a hundred other people 
who would make finer corpses. 1 can, in 
fact, think of three people 1 contacted 
only today on a small financial matter 
who would make excellent corpses, 
indeed.” 

He's too tall,” O'Brien said. 
Thats right, I'm too tall." Mul 
agreed. “Be: dle is a judge, 

"Would anyone сыс for some 
schnapps?” the stonecutter said. 

The third man who had been present 
when they arrived had so far said noth- 
ing. He sat on a corner of the stonecut- 
ters desk, nattily dressed in а dark-blue 
suit, his silk rep tie held by a tiny tie 
tack, the letter К in gold. He kept 
ing ас Mullaney, but he said поў 
Mullaney reasoned immediately that he 
was the boss. 


псу 


“What do you think, boss?" O'Brien 
said, turning to him. 

He'll do,” К said. 

He spoke im a very low voice; all 


bosses speak in low voices. All bosses look 
like 


K, Mul 


ney thought, small and 
arrow as a stiletto, with an 
tack, and cold blue eyes and 
lair going slightly thin, combed to the 
side over the encroaching baldness; all 
bosses look exactly 

“Suppose his uncle really is a judge? 


“His unde is not a judge,” K said. 

“He looks as if his uncle could be a 
judge, or at least an alderman." 

“That's right.” Mullaney said. 

, how do we know he himself 
isn't a judge or an alderman or an off- 
duty detectiv 

“That's 
you know?" 

"Do you realize what 
well be we've accidentally pi 
up somebody impor 

"Yes, consider that.” icy said. 

K considered it, studying Mullaney 
thoughtfully. At last he said, “He is 
nobody important 

“L beg your pardon 
offended. 

n any case,” O'Br 


” Mullaney said, "how do 


d of trouble 
еа 


Mullaney said, 


1 said, "he's too 


(continued from page 62) 


“For the coffin?” Gouda asked, and 
Mullaney shudder 
No, for the si 
“We can alter the sui 
"Fm a very difficult person to fit,” 


aid. ^ 


my part. If 

PWH fu 1 
voice 

“Hell split all the seams.” 

"vs only until he gets to Rome. 

"You shouldn't have let the ori: 
corpse get away,” O'Brien said to Gou- 
da, “The suit was measured to order for 
him.” 

"He jumped out of the car,” Gouda 
said, and spread his hands helplessly. 
Could 1 chase him down Fourteenth 
Street? With a plane ready to take off? 
He shrugged. “We grabbed the first pe 
son we He appraised Mullaney 
and then said, “Besides, I think he'll 
make a fine corpse," 

You could have picked someone 
shorter,” O'Brien said petulantly. 
There were no short people on Four- 
teenth Street,” Gouda said. “I would like 
some schnapps, after all." 

There's no time for schnapps,” К 


1. 
“That's righ,” Gouda instantly 
agreed, "theres no rime for schnapps. 
Where's the suit, O'Brien?” 


‘Get the suit," O'Brien said to the man 
who had offered the schn 

The m 
other room. 
called, “It wo 

Th 
come back. The bald-headed driver was 
cleaning his fingernails with a long kı 
What а dreadful stereotype, Mullaney 
thought. “What's your name?” he asked 
him. 

"Peter" the driver answered, without 
looking up from his nails. 

“Pleased to meet you.” 

The driver nodded, as though he felt 
it wasteful to exchange courtesies with 
someone who would soon be dead. 
Mullaney said to K, "I really 


o the 
his shoulder he 


n obediently we 
but 


ovei 


"Listen, 
would not like to become a corpse 

"You have no choice,” K said. “We 
have no choice, therefore you have no 
choice.” It sounded very logical. Mul- 
laney admired the logic but not the 
sentiment. 


Still," he said, “I'm only thirty-seven 
years old,” lying by two year. Almost 
three years. 


Some people get hit by automobiles 
when they're only litle kids,” Peter said, 
still cleaning his na 
“I sympathize with them,” Mullaney 
said, “but I myself had hoped to live to a 
ripe old age.” 

“Hopes are 
shattered," К. 


dainty things ofttimes 
l, as if he wei 


from something, Mull couldn't 
imagine what. 

The stonecuuer came back into the 
room with a bla 
left the shirt,” he said. “The shirt would 
definitely not fit him. What size shirt do 
you wear” he asked Mulls 
feen,” Mullaney said. * 

“He can wear his own 
said. 

“Vd like to wear my own sui 
Mullaney said, “if tha 
you 

"Thats not all 
said. 


ney 


. too.” 
all right with 


ht with us" К 


n fact,” Mullaney went on, "I'd like 
to go home right now; or better still, I'd 
like to go to Aqueduct. И you gentlemen 
we interested, 1 have а very hot tip on a 
horse called: 
“He'll we 
“A yellow 
offended. 
“Ies not yellow,” K said. "Wl 
that shiri?” he asked Mullaney. 
asmine 


r his own shirt," К sai 
shirt?” O'Brien 


id. 


"It. looks yellow.” 
“No, its jasmi 
"Put on the 
"Gentlemen- 
“Par it on 


Mullaney s: 
K advised. 


Gouda said, and ma 
faintly menacing gesture with the Luger. 

Mullaney accepted the suit from 
OBrien. "Where shall I chang 
asked. 

“Here,” Gouda said. 

He hoped he was we 
underwear; his mother had alwa 
tioned him about wearing dean under 
wear and carrying a dean handkerchief. 
He took off his pants, feeling the sharp- 
ness of the keen April wind that swept 
over the marble stones in the courtyard 
and seeped through the crack under the 
door. 

"He's got polka-dot undershorts," Pe- 
ter said, and made his short laughlike 
sound. “A corpse with polkadot under 
shorts, that's a hot one.” 

The pants were too short and too 
tight, Mullaney could not button them 

the май 


“Just zip them up as far as they'll go,” 


K 


id, “thath be fine. 
“They'll fall 


Mull 


down, said, 


ney 


transferring his 20-cent fortune from his 
own pants to the ones he was now 
wearing. 


ош! be lying in a coffin, they won't 
all down,” O'Brien said, and handed 
him the suit jacket. 

The jacket was made of the 
black cloth as the trousers, but was lined 
and therefore substantially heavier. The 
were three thick black buttons on the 
front, each about the size of a penny, 
па four smaller black buttons on each 
sleeve, The buttons resembled mush- 
room caps, though not rounded, thei 
tops and edges faceted instead, a very 


fancy jacket, indeed, if a trifle too tight. 
He pulled it closed across his chest and 
belly, and then forced the middle button 
through its corresponding buttonhole: 
The shoulders were far too narrow, the 
rmholes pinched; he let out his breath 
ad said, "Its too tight." 


"Perfect," K s 

What's the | ade of?” Mul 
laney asked. "It rustk 

“It's silk,” O'Brien said. and glanced 
at К. 


“It makes a nice w 
Mullaney said. 

“Those are angels’ wings,” Peter said, 
and again gave his imitation of a laugh. 
The other men laughed with hi 
but Gouda, who, it seemed to Mullanc 
had suddenly become very nervous and 
pale 

“Well.” Gouda said, "let's get on with 
it, there isn’t much time.” 

Put him in the coffin,” К said. 

“Look.” Mullaney protested, “I'm а 
married man,” which was not exactly the 
truth, since he had been divorced a year 
ago. 

“We will send your 
wreath,” Gouda said. 

“I have two children.” Thi 
absolute lie. He and Irene H 
any children at all. 

‘That's unfortunate.” К said. “But oft 
times even little babes must untowardly 


ispering rustle, 


i—all 


wife a floral 


was an 
А never had 


suter.” again making it sound like a 
quote that Mullaney did not recognize. 
"I'm a respected professor at City Col- 
lege," Mullaney said, which was also 
pretty close to the truth, since he used 
to be an encyclopedi "I can 
assure you Tl be sorely nu 
You won't be missed at all, 
said, which made no sense. 
Somebody hit him on the back of the 
head—Peter, he supposed, the dirty rat. 


Gouda 


He woke up groaning. He was in a 
moving automobile. A man he had never 
before was sitting beside him on the 
k seat, a gun in his hand. Another 
stranger, judging from the back of his 
head. was driving the car. When he 
heard Mullaney, he turned. and said, “E 
desto, eh?” 

“Si,” the other man replied. “A questo 
momento.” 

“Va bene,” the driver said. 

They've already flown me to Italy, 
Mullaney thought. 1 now being 
driven through the outskirts of Rome to 

hi 5 of the Tiber. He 
glanced through the windshield, saw the 
toll booths ahead and realized they were 
only approaching the Lincoln Tunnel. 

“What the hell?” he said, startling the 
man beside him. 


sec! 


am 


lc-out on the b 


the man shouted 
io" 


“What's the matter?’ 
“What is i? What is 

“Just where are we: 
manded. It was one thing to get pushed 
around, but it was another to be welshed 
out of a tip to Rome. 

“We're on our way to see Grubel,” the 
man said. "Stop making noise near the 
toll. booths 

“Is this New Jersey?” Mullaney asked 
shrewdly 

“This is New Jersey.” 

"You're not even Italians!” Mullaney 
shouted. 

"We are so!” the man said, offended 

"Who's Grubel? 

"The boss.” 
‘And who are you?" 

'm George," the man beside him 


Mullaney de- 


"m Henry." the е said. 

He was angry now; oh, boy, now he 
was really angry. They had really got his 
Irish dander up this time, hitting him on 
the head and giving him such a head- 
ache, and then not even shipping him to 
Rome as they had promised. His anger 
was unreasoning and unconuolled. He 
knew he could not blame either. Henry 
or George for the empty promises thc 


iver 


others had made, but he was angry 
nonetheless, an undirected black Irish 
boiling-mad anger that was beginning to 


give him stomach camps. In about two 


IMPORTED RARE SCOTCH 


157 


PLAYBOY 


158 


minutes flat, as soon as they were past 
the toll booths (he didn't want any inno- 
cent people to get hurt if there was 
shooting), he was going to erupt in th 
tomobile, rip George's gun іп half, 
wiap it around his head, stuff it down 
his throat: oh, boy, you started up with 
the wrong fellow this time! They were 
past the toll booths now and ap- 
proaching the tunnel itself, the bluc-and- 
white-tiled walls, the fluorescent lighting, 
the cops walking on the папом т 


jam in the tunnel when he incapacitated 
these two cheap gangsters. 

There were a great many 
road; this was Friday night, the start of 
the weekend. He could remember too 
many Friday nights long ago, when he 
and Irene had been a part of the fun- 
seeking throng, but he tried to put Irene 
out of his mind now, because somehow. 
thinking of her always made him a little 
sad, and he didn't want to dissipate the 
fine glittering edge of his anger, he was 
going to chop through these hoodlums 
e а deaver! But the traffic was dense 
even when they got out of the tunnel, 
nd he didn't get а chance to make his 
move ший th stopped outside а 
brownstone on East 61м, and then he 
lized they had reached their destina- 
n and it was too hte to do any- 
thing. Besides, by then he wasn't angry 
nymore, 

“Upstairs,” George said. 

The building was silent. Carpeted 
steps wound endlessly upward, creak 
beneath them as they climbed. A T 
Татр, all glistening greens and yellows, 
hung from the ceiling of the second 
floor. As Henry walked beneath it, it 
bathed his head in a Heineken glow, 
ng him a thoughtful beery look. A 
ing mirror in an ornate gold-leaf 
frame hung on the wall of the third floor. 
orge adjusted his tic as he went past 
mirror, and then began whistling 
iclessly under his breath as they con- 
tinued to climb, On the fourth floor, a 
bench richly upholstered in red velour 
stood against the wall, just outside a 
door painted in muted gray. Henry 
knocked on the door and then patted his 
r into place. 

The door opened. 

Mullaney caught his breath, 

Grubel was a woman, 

Into that hallway she insinuated 
springtime, peering out at them with a 
delicately bemused expression on her 
face, cornflower eyes widening, long 
blonde hair whispering onto her cheek. 
She might have been a fairy maiden sur- 
prised in the garden of an ancient castle, 
iners and pennoncels fluttering on the 
fragrant breeze above her. She turned to 
gare at Mullaney, pierced him with a 
poignant look. A curious smile played 
bout her mouth, the secret of her 


delicious joke erupting—Grubel is a 
woman, Grubel is a beautiful woman, 
Hc once written sonnets about 
women like this. 

He had once, when he was a boy and 
believed in magic, written sonnets 
about delicate maidens who walked 
through fields of angel's breath and left 
behind them dizzying scents that robbed 
men of their souls. When he'd left Irene 
ar ago, she had asked (hc would 
never forget the look on her face when 
she asked, her eyes turned away, the 
shame of having to ask), "Andy, is there 
another woman?” And he had replied, 
“No, Irene, there is no other woman, 
and had meant it, and yet was being 
dishonest. The other woman, the woman. 
for whom he had left Irene a year ago, 
was this Grubel standing in the doorway, 
with her shy, inquiring glance, flaxen 
hair tapped by a velvet ribbon as black 


as a medieval arch. The other woman 
was Grubel; the other woman had al- 
ways been Grubel. She leaned in the 


doorway. She was wearing a black-velvet 
dress (he knew she would be wearing 
black velvet), its laceedged yoke fra 
ing ivory collarbones that gently winged 
toward the shadowed hollow of her 
throat. Her hips were tilted, her belly 
gently rounded, her legs racing swift and 
dean to black high-heeled pumps. She 
leaned in the doorway and stopped his 
heart. 

She was the gamble. 

He had tried to explain to Irene, not. 
fully understanding it himself, that what. 
he was about to do was impe 
had tricd to explain that in these god- 
damn encyclopedias he sold to schools 
and libraries, there was more about life 
and living than he could ever hope to 
experience in a million years. Не had 
tried to show her, for example, how he 
could open any one of the books, look, 
let's take BA-BL, just open it at random, 
and look, well here we are, Balls, peoples 
of the east coast of the Baltic Sea, 
have you ever seen the people of the 
east coast of the Baltic Sea, Irene? 
Well, neither have I, that's what Fm 
trying to tell you, that's what I mean 
abour taking the gamble, hone 

I don't know what you mean, she said. 

I mean the gamble, the gamble, he 
said, beginning to rant a little, he real- 
ized, but unable to control himself; I'm. 
talking about taking the gamble, I've got 
to take the gamble, Irene, I've got to go 
our there and see for myself. 

You don't love me, she said. 

1 love you, Irene, he said, I love you, 
Шу. honey, 1 do love you, but I've got 
to take the gamble. I've got to see where 
it is that everything's happening out 
there, I've got to find those places I've 
only read about, I've got to find them. 
Honey, I've got to live. I'm dying. ГИ 
die. Do you want me to die? 

If you leave me, Irene said, yes, I 
want you to die. 


Well, who cares about curses? he had 
thought. Curses are for old Irish ladies 
sitting in stone cottages by the sca. He 
knew for certain that somewhere there 
were people who consistently won, 
somewhere there were handsome sun- 
tanned men who held women like Gr 
bel in their arms and whispered secrets 
to them and made love to them in the 
afternoon on foreign beaches, and later 
played baccarat and yelled Banco! and 
danced until morning and drank pink 
champagne from satin slippers. He knew 
these people existed, he knew there was 
a world out there w: and 
he had set out to win it. 

And had lost. 

Had lost because Irene had said, yes, 
1 want you to die, and slowly he had 
ied, as surely as Feinstein had died. He 
id taken the nble, had thrown 
everything to the winds, everything, had 
been laying his life on the morning line 
for the past year now, had been clutch- 
ing it to his chest across poker tables for 
the past year now, had been rolling it 
across green-felt cloths for the past y 
now, and had lost, had surely and most 
certainly lost. This morning, he 
down to his last 20 cents and sq 


other nickel in this fair city of New York, 
and so they had put him in a coffin. He 
v definitely lost. 

now. 

Now, this moment, he looked at Gru- 
bel standing in the doorway of the apart- 
ment and knew he still had a chance, 
knew by what he read on her face, knew 
that she was the lady he had set out to 
find on that February day a year, mor 
than a year ago. He could not br 
he had never stood this close to a dre: 
before. 

And then, because dreams never last 
too very long, a voice from behind G 
bel said, "Is that you, boys?" and he 
looked past her into the room to sce the 
ugliest, most evillooking man he had 
ever seen in his life, and he realized at 
once that Grubel was not a pretty blonde 
lady, after all. Grubel was instead a 210- 
pound monster who came lumbering to- 
ward the doorway in a red-silk dressing 
gown, dirty black fingernails, hair stick- 
ing up on his head and on his chest and 
growing like weeds on his thick arms 
and on the backs of his hands and over 
his fingers. This is Grubel, he thought, 
and he is going to throw you to his aoco- 
diles. You lose again, Mullaney, he 
thought, and the girl said, "Do come in." 

They all went into the room. 

He could not take his eyes off the girl. 
He followed her every movement in te 
ror, because he knew that Grubel could 
bend steel bars, Grubel could breathe 
1 he did not want Grubel to see 
ng glances at the girl. But the 
girl kept sneaking glances back at Mulla- 
ney, like Iuck dancing around the edges 
of a crap table when the dice are running 


(wee brown 


“Td like to dedicate my nex 
couple of lovely young thir 


PLAYBOY 


hot and you can't roll anyth 
g and tantalizing, 
him with that strange, swect, wistful 
smile, walking as delicately as though 
she were in a meadow of m 

Grubel bit off the end of a cigar, spit 
it into the fireplace, where a real wood 
fire was blazing, and said, "Where's the 


ig but 115, 
d watching 


you talking to mez" Mullaney 
“Yes, Where's the mone 
"What money?" Mullaney said, and 
ized instantly he had said the wrong 
thing. Grubel suddenly made a face that 
indicated to Mullaney, Oh, are we going 
to play that game, where vou pretend 
you don't know what I'm talking about 
and where I have to get rough, perhaps. 
when you know very well what moncy I 
mean? 

“He doesn't know where the money 
Henry,” Grubel said. 

“He doesn't know where the money is, 
George,” Henry repeated 

They all had rather pained expressions 
on their faces, as if they were distressed 
by what they now felt they must do. But 
ince Mullaney didn't know where the 
money was, or even which money they 
were talking about, he couldn't very well 
tell them what they wanted to know. It 
all looked hopeless. Mullaney decided to 
ask for the manager. 
Where's Gouda?” he said. 

“Gouda is dead,” Henry said. 

“That's not true. I him oi 
little while ago. 

"He's dead. now," 

“How did he dic?” 

“A coffin was hijacked on the way to 
Kennedy," George said. "There was a 
terrible highway accident," 

[errible," Henry repeated. 

The room was very still. Mullaney 
cleared his throat. "Well," he said, "I'm 
certainly sorry to hear that,” 

"Yes" Grubel said. "Where's 
money?” 

"I don't know,” Mullaney said. 

“We figured it had to be in the coffin,” 
Henry said. 

“Well, then, maybe it 

“No. We looked.” 

"Did you look carefully?" 

“Very carefully 

“They even removed you and put 
on the floor,” Grubel said. “The money 
was definitely not in the coffin, 

There was a miasma of evil emanating 
from Grubel, as strong as the stench of 
‚ майса across the room, penctrat- 
k and 
ing. Grubel could kill a bug by 
it; he was evil and he was 
nd he was mean, and Mullaney 
was afraid of him, and more afraid of 
him because he could not take his eyes 
off the delicate blonde girl. 

“I don't know where the money 


the 


looking. 
strong 


160 Mullancy said. "Would you happen to 


know who 
Aqueduct toda 
1 have no idea who won the fourth 
race at Aqueduct,” Grubel said. 

"Well I have no idea where 
money is^ Mullaney said. 
I believe otherwise. I suggest you tell 
mc. sir, or we may be forced to kill you." 

He spoke very well for a man who 
looked the way he did, his cultured 
voice adding somehow to the terrible 
menace that rose from him like a black 
cloud from the smokestack of a steel 
mill, hanging in the air, dropping black 
particles of soot on Sunday church 
clothes, He stuck the cigar in his 
mouth, but did not light it. Mullaney 
had the feeling he was simply going to 
swallow it. 

The girl was standing nea 


won the fourth 


гасе at 


the 


r the win- 


dow, peering down onto the strect below, 
except occasionally when she turned to 
t Mullaney with that same sad, 


look 
sweet smile on her face, He knew 
ctively that she wanted him to save 
her from the clutches of such as Grubel. 
She wanted him to start a fight here, 
knock these fellows around а lite and 
then take her down to the casino, where 
hed put 20,000 francs on 17 black, and 
then maybe they'd go running barefoot 
along the Grande Corniche—that w 
what she wanted him to do. She wanted 
him to become what he thought he 
would become a year ago, when he had 
flown the coop in search of some dizzy 
kind of freedom, finding nothing but 
cold dice and losing horses, dead hands 
and buried luck, finding none of the 
things he thought he was taking the 
gamble for, and managing to lose Irene 
in the bargain, the only thing that had 
ever mattered in his life until then. Now, 
here in this room, everything seemed 
within grasp once again. All he had to 
do was become a hero. All he had to ask 
of himself, all he had to 
himself, was that he become 

If you kill me,” he heard himself say. 
“you'll never find out where the money 
is. 


bel said. 
Mul- 


% mue enough.” G 
I thought you'd be reasonable, 


yes I am a very reasonable 
Grubel said. "I hope you are 
y reasonable, sir, because I think 
you know how obsessed one 


an become 


by the idea of possessing half a n 
dollars." 
Ye,” Mullaney said. and then sa 


"Half a million dollar: 
Or didn't vou realize it was that 
much money?” 

“No, I didn't re inly 
never realized that," he s nd knew 
at once that this was it, this was sweet 
luck keening to him from someplace, 
half a million dollars, if only he could be 
a hero. He felt himself tensing, knew in- 
stinctively that he would have to call 
upon every reserve of strength and intel- 


ligence he possessed if he was to get out 
of this room with what he wanted, He 
had come into this room thinking that 
all he wanted was to stay alive, but now 
he knew that he wanted the blonde as 
well, not to mention the money. 

"That's a lot of money.” he said, 
swallowed. 

“Yes, that is a very large amount of 
money,” Grubel 

“Did somebody rob a bank? 


nd 


Mul- 


lancy asked, thinking he was making а 
joke. 

"No, somebody robbed a jewelry 
store.” Grubel s 

“Who?” 


“K and his fellows. 


"On West Forty-seventh Street. They 
stole three very large diamond" 

"How large?” 

"About ten carats 
ler diamonds 
“How large are the small ones?” 

"About five or six carats each." 

“That doesn't sound like very much.” 

“Five hundred thousand dollars in 
cash was paid for them.” Grubel said. 
“The money was to be sent to a Signor 
Ladro in Rome.” 

“How do you know? 

"Let us say that where there is cheese, 
there is also sometimes а rat" Grubel 
said. "Where's the money?” 

Mullaney suddenly knew where it 


and eight 


w 


He knew with an intensity bordering 
on clairvoyance exactly where the money 
was. He almost grinned ar his own 
ridiculously marvelous perception. 

I know where the money is," he s 
aloud, surprised when he hi 
words. 

"Yes, I realize that, sir," Grubel said, 
And Vil be happy to get it for you.” 
“Good.” 

But..." He hesitated. Grubel stood 
icing him across the room, the only 
other player in the game, Mullaney was 
holding half a million aces, half a million 
lovely crisp American dollar bills, warm. 
and safe and snug, the best hand he'd 
ever held in his life, He almost burst out 
laughing. The girl, le against the 
window drapes, watched him silently, 
nticipating his opening bet 
“I'd hase to go for it alone, 
1 
Out of the question," 
swered, calling and raising. 

"Then we'd better forget it. 
No, we won't forget it," Grubel said. 
“George,” he said, and George moved a 
step closer to. Mullaney. 

"That won't help you a bit," Mullaney 
said. 

Perhaps not. I have a feelin: 
ever, tha help you even les.” 

"Well, il you want to get clever," Mul- 
lancy said, and then could think of noth- 
ing further to say. George was very close 
now. The blued stecl of the revolver 


Mullaney 


Grubel an- 


how. 


glinted. in the firelight. He flipped the 
Darrel of the gun up so that the butt was 
suiking position. He smiled pl 
lots of people smile pleasantly before 
ey commit mayhem, Mullaney reflected. 
Sir?” Grubel said. 

“Just touch me with that gun . . - 
Mullaney 

“You realize, do you not 
‚ just fouch me with thea 
n very easily drop 


ow bet your ja 


“Now. 
I beg your pardon?” 
Jr get out of the game.” 
d at him. 


"How far is wh: 

“Where the money is. 

“Ivy near" Mullaney said 

"Take Ge with you,” Grubel 
suggested. 

“Out of ıl 
‚а 
of them. I go alone.” 


estion.” 


Put yourself in my position.” Mulla- 
ney said, nor knowing what the hell he 
was talking about. “I need protection. I 
wouldn't mind giving up five hundred 
thousand dollars"—like fun T would 

he thought—"after all, thats 
ey. Bur you can't ask me to risk my 
the difference 
g killed right 
in this room?" he said, still not 
wowing what he was talking about but 
realizing he was making sense, because 
the men were stud: 


icing at him i 
couragingly from where she stood in 

k against the red drapes. “H either 
George or Henry is recognized, I don't 
think E have to tell you what could hap- 
pen to me," Mullaney said, not having 
test could happen to 
but figurin ever hurt to throw 
when you were deal- 
ing with people who had the power to 
make those tions come true. “Think 
of my position," he said. 

He has а po Grubel He 
kept 5 But think of 
my posi isonably. “What 
шее do I have that you'll come 


Except my 


Well, wl 


Qs 
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PLAYBOY 


said, and shrugged. Come on, Grubel, he 
thought, you are walking right into the 
sucker bet, it's sitting right here waiting 
for you, all you've got to do is come a 
мее bit closer, I'm going to let you pick 
up the bet all by yourself, come on, 
baby, come on. 

“No,” Grubel 
odds.” 

"They're the only odds in this gam 

“You're forgetting that I can end thi 
game whenever I choose.” 

n which case, you 


“I don't like the 


lose all the 


I'd be an idiot to lec you out of here 
alone 
“You'd be a bigger 
away half a million dollars. 
“If I et you go, I may be doing both.” 
“Not if I gave you my word.” 
“Please,” Grubel said politely, and 
then began pacing before the fire 
his huge hands clasped behind his bac] 
Mullaney kept waiting for him to have 
the sudden inspiration he hoped he 
would have had long before now, but 
Grubel only kept pacing back and forth, 
thinking. "Suppose I go with you,” he 
с last. 


jot to throw 


“Not too many people know me," 
Grubel said. 

“No, І could: 
Mull id, w 


take that chance," 
ng for lightning to 
= how many permuta- 
ations Grubel had to 


162 examine before he fell over the sucker 


Det that was right there at his very fect. 

6 id turned 
ney held his 
abel said. "You'll 
take the girl with. you." 

l's about time, Mullancy thought. 
"Absolutely not" he said. 

"Why noi?" Grubel asked, frowning. 

"That's the same thing as taking you 
or any of the others. 

"No," Grubel said. “No. it isn't. I beg 
your pardon, but it isn't. The girl is not 
known. 

“I'm sorry," Mullaney said. "I hate to 
be difficult, but either I go alone or I 
don't go at all.” 

"Either you take the girl with you," 
Grubel said, looming large and hairy and 
black and menacing and shoo 
ders and sparks from the evil smokestack 
that he was, "or you leave here in a 
coffin." 

П right,” Mullaney said, "I'll take 
the girl with me.” 

"Good. George, get her a gui 

George went to а cabinet 
wall, opened the top drawer and re- 
moved from it a small pearl handled 
He showed the gun to the girl and « 
"Do you know how to use this? 

The girl nodded, then took the gun 
and put it into her purse. 

“If he does not go directly for the 
money,” Grubel said, “shoot him.” 

The girl nodded. 

"IE he wies to contact cither the others 


or the police,” Grubcl said, "shoot him.” 

The girl nodded. 

“If he gets the money and then те 
fuses to come back here,” Grubel said, 
“shoot him.” 

The girl nodded. 

“Very well, go.” They started for the 
door and Grubel said, “No, wait.” He 
walked very dose ıo where Mulla 
ng and 
ng to me, sir. I hope you really 
know where the money is. 
ally know where that money is, 
ney said, becuse he really did 


Ww. 
“Very well. See that you bring it back. 
We'll get you if you don't, you know. 

“I know," Mullancy said. 

Grubel opened the door. Mullaney 
and the girl stepped into the hallway 
the door closed behind then 
Hello, honey," the girl wl 
ad grinned. 


pered, 


3: MERILEE 


The moment they reached the street, 
he said, "I have half a million dollars. 
“Oh, I know you do, baby," the girl 
said. 
Do you know whe 
“No, where is i” 


s your name?" he asked. 
rst tell me where the money 
st tell me your 
“Merilee,” she said. 
"Thats very dose to my name,” he 
which is Mullaney.” 

hats very dose, indeed," the girl 


We are going to be very close, indeed, 
Мен 

“Oh, yes, indeed," she said, “we are 
going to be very close, indeed.” 

Гете going to make love on a bed of 
five hundred thousand dollars. Have you 
ever made love on such a bed?” 

"No, but it sounds like enormous fun,” 
she said. "Where is it? 

"Your ass will turn green,” M 

i ghed. 

“Oh, yes, indeed it will. All that mon- 
ey will rub off on it and I will absolutely 
adore the color of it. Where is it 

“I wonder if it’s in tens, or hundreds, 
or thousands,” Mullaney said. 

“Don't you kno} 
know until I see it. I have а 
however, that it’s in largish 


ney 


enveloping 
le jokc. 
“Do you know something?” she said. 
“What? 
“We're being followed. 
look. 
"How do you know?" 
“1 know. George and Henry are fol- 
lowing us." 
‘The girl was right. Mullaney caught a 


No, 


don't 


quick glimpse of them as he took her 
arm and led her onto Madison Avenue, 
and then spotted them again crossing the 
street near the IBM showroom on 57th. 

“Listen,” he said, “are you game?’ 

“I am game for anything. baby." 

"No matter what?" 
thing.” 
Would you, for es 
Ferris wheel?” 

I would, for e: 
coaster; 

“Then, sweetheart, let's go!" he said. 
and he grabbed her hand and began 
running. They were both out of breath 
when they reached the public library on 
42nd and Fifth. Pulling the girl along 
with him, he raced up the wide marble 
front steps of the libr past the MGM 
lions, and then ducked onto the footpath 
leading to thc side entrance and through 
the revolving doors and into the hi 
hallowed rbled corridors, wi 
had a nickel for every encydopedia he 
had sold to libraries all over the country 
(in fact, he had once had even more than 
a nickel for every encyclopedia he'd 
sold). He caught from the corner of his 
сус a sign telling him the library closed 
п, and then saw the huge wall clock 
telling him it was now 9:37, which 
1 exactly 23 minutes to put 
nds on the money, perhaps less if 
and Henry found them first. He 
rly familiar with libraries, though 
not this one, and he knew that all libra- 
ries had what they called stacks, which 
was where they piled up all the books. 
This being one of the largest libraries in 
the world. he assumed it would have 
stacks all over the place, so he kept 
opening oak-pancled doors all along the 
conidor, looking into rooms containing 
learned old men reading books about 
birds, and finally coming upon a door 
th marked stare 
this door would surely open on 
privacy of dusty stacks, convinced t 
it would, and surprised when, instead, 
it opened on a duuered office with a 
pinc-nezed old lady sitting behind a 
desk. “Excuse us,” he said, “we're looking 
for the stacks.” 

The stacks, he thought, would be 
symbolically correct for unleashing those 
stacks of bills, which he had been very 
close to all along, but which he was now 
very much closer 1, actually within 
touching distance of, actually withi 
finger-tingling stroking distance of, 
500,000 worth of unmitigated loot. 
The girl's hand was sweating in his own 
as they went rapidly down the marble 
corridor, as if she, too, sensed that he 
was about to unlock tha 
ish, turn he 
he had promised, allow her to wallow in 
l that filthy lucre. He spotted another 
ked PERSONNEL and tried i 
but it was locked; so he kept running 
down the corridor with the girl's sweaty 


ample, do it on a 


roller 


ample, do it on 


she said. 


wi 


ONLY, figuring 


the 


backside green wi 


hand in his own, the smell of moncy 
enveloping both of them, uying doors, 
ing for the door that would open to 
their touch, open upon rows and rows of 
dusty books in soaring stacks behind 
which they would allow the bills to 
trickle through their fingers, floating 
noisclessly on the silent air, if only Henry 
and George did not get to them first. 
And then, unexpectedly, one of the 
doors opened on more books than he had 
ever seen in his lile, stacked from floor to 
ceiling in metal racks stretching as f 
ihe eye could sec. He closed the door 
behind them and then locked it. Taking 
her hand, he led her between the col 
umns of books, wondering if any of them 
were the very encyclopedias he used to 
sell before he took the gamble, the gam- 
ble that was now to pay off in half a 
million lovely dollar bills. 
"Oh, my" the girl sa 
spooky in her 
“Shhh,” he said, 
her sweating hand. In the distance, he 
could hear footsteps, a library page run 
ning to get another book on birds for on 
of the learned old gentlemen reading in 
one of the wood paneled rooms. He led 
her away from the footsteps, led her 


as 


deeper and deeper into the labyrinth of 
books, doubting that he would ever be 
able to find his way out again but not 
caring, because the money smell hung 
heavy on the air now, mingling with the 
musty aroma of old books. The patter of 
feet disappeared in the distance, There 
was suddenly a cul-desac as private as a 
woodland copse, books stacked on every 
side of them, surrounding them, a dim 
red light burning somewhere over a d 
tant door their escape when they 
needed it 

Are you going to lay me now?" the 
girl asked. 

“Yes,” he said. 

First the money,” she said. 

It galled him that she said thosc 
words, because they were only the an 
cient words pered in cribs from 
р а to Mozambique, and he did not 
expect them from this girl who had said 
she would do it on a roller coaster. 

“I have the money,” he said. 

“Where? 


whi 


7 he insisted. 
у, but where?” 
Right here,” he said, and kissed her. 
He thought, as he kissed her, that i 
she still insisted on the money first, he 


“Sure they look nice—I could look nice like them, too. 
Their husbands are crooks, thieves, burglars— 
you, all you liked to do was run around. 


163 


PLAYBOY 


would probably produce it, because 
that’s what money was for, to buy the 
ihings you wanted and needed. He 
thought, however, as he kissed her, that 
it would be so much nicer if she did not 
insist on the money, but instead offered 
herself to him in all her medieval, black- 
velveted, delicate charm. offered herself 
rcely and willingly and without 
promises, gave to him, simply gave to 
him without any hope of receiving 
thing in return; that, he thought, would 
He almost lost himself in 
that single kiss, almost produced the 
ioney the instant his lips touched hers, 
because the money no longer scemed 
important then; the only important thing 
was the sweetness of her mouth. The 
sil, too, he thought, was enjoying the 
kiss as much as he, straining against him 
now with а wildness he had not antici- 
ed, her arms endrding, the fingers of 
one hand widespread at the back of his 
neck the way he had seen stars doing it 
in movies but had had done to 
him even by Irene, who was really very 
passionate, though sometimes sh 
belly moving in against him, her br 
moving st him, her thighs, her 
crotch, everything suddenly moving in 
freely and wi vinst him, just the 
ay he wanted it. “The money,” she 
pered. 
He pressed her ight against the wall 
and rode the black skirt up over her 
thighs. She spread her legs as he drove 


be ver 


neve 


wi 


against her, and then arched her back 
and twisted away, trying to clude hi 
thrust, rising onto her toes in теге 


ggling as her evasive ac- 
, and then gasping 
subsided upon the 
ult. "The money 


dodging and 
tion seemed to worl 
as she accident 
crest of another 


she said ‚ "the money,” and 
tried to tw y as he moved in 
it her again, rising on her toes 


nost losing а shoe, only to be 
ght once more by a fierce and 
own sh ting descent 
unexpectedly against him. “The 
" she moaned, “the money,” and 
ed his moving hips as though to push 
him away from her, and then found her 
hands moving with his hips, accepting 
his rhythm. assisting him, and finally 


uddeı 


ng him against her пріу, 
to the wall, опе агт loose 
neck, the other dangling at 


her side, she sank 10 the jacket he had 
spread on the floor and said again by 
tireless rote, softly, “The money, the 
money." She was naked beneath her 
skirt now, its black-velvet folds crushed 
against her belly. His hands touched, 
stroked, pretended, possessed. She 
stretched her legs as though sull in 
rencat, protesting, uying to sidestep 
though no longer on her feet. Weapon- 
less, she sighingly moved st him 


164 in open surrender, shaking her head, 


breathing the words once in broken 
defiance, “The money.” 
“Turn you green, 


he whispered. 
she said. 

"Spread you like honey,” he whis- 
pered. 

"Oh, yes, spread me. 
remembering, she murmured, 
louse, you promised.” 

He had not, of course, broken his 
promise. He had told her he would cause 
her to lay down in green pastures, and 
that was exactly what he had done, 
though not letting her in on the secret; 
even lovers had to keep their little se- 
cres. But he had most certainly done 
what he'd promised. Suddenly, he began 
chuckling. Holding her close, his lips 
against her throat, he began chuckling, 
and she said, “Stop that, you nut, it 
tickles.” 

“Do you know what we just did?” he 


she said; and, 
"Oh, you 


said, sitting up. 
“Yes, 1 know what we just did,” 
Merilee answered, demurely lowering her 


rt. 
“Do you know where?” 

“In the New York Public Libra 
“Right. Do you know on what? 
“On the floor.” 

“Wrong.” 

"Excuse me, on your jacket.” 
"Wrong. 
“On what, thc 
“On half a million dollars,” Mul 
red off 


said, and got to his feet and du 
his t offered h 
the I?" he asked. 

a she said, puzzled, 
took. his hand. 

He helped her to her feet, grinned and 
picked up the jacket. As he dusted 
it oll. he said, "Do you hear anythi 

ENOS 

“Listen.” 


users 
girl 


and 


ig? 


r anything, 
and deliberately 
cker in long, 


he 
is hand over the 
g palmsirokes, striking dust from 
alde: and the back and the 
sleeves, and keeping his head cocked to 
one side all the while, grinning at the 
girl, who kept listening and hearing 
nothing, and watching him as though 


sweepii 
the sho 


anything,” she said. 
r the rustle of silk? 


Don't you hei 
One 
“Don’t you hear the Hutter of 


gels" 


“Don't you hear, my dear sweet girl, 
the sound of money 


don't hear anything,” she said. 
Have you got a knife?” he asked. 
“No.” 

A scissors?” 

No.” 

Have you got a nail file in your bag? 


“АП I've got in my bag is a driver's 
license and a pearhandled .22. Where's 
the money? 


I'I have to tear it.” 

“Tear what?” 

Mullaney grinned and turned the 
jacket over in his hands. He could feel 


the stiffness of the bills sewn into the 1 
ing, could almost feel the outline of each. 
dollar-sized packet nestling between the 
outer and inner fabric. He debated 
whether he should take the packets out 
one at a time and spread them across the 
floor at Merilee's feet or whether he 


should simply slit the hem at the bot- 
tom of the jacket 


id allow the packets 
rcome-whatmay, as if 
He decided it 
would be nice to sce it rain money, so 
he grinned at Merilec again (she was 
watching him intently, her blue eyes 
rrowed, a feral, sexy look on her face) 
and then he began plucking m 
thread at the jackets hem. The jacket 
had been excellently tailored—he had 
known immediately that К and O'Brien 
and all the others were gentlemen of 
taste—with good tight stitches placed 
dose together, all sewn by hand, all de- 
signed to withstand any possible ассі- 
dents on the way to Rome. Mullaney 
finally had to rip the first few stitches 
with his teeth, something his mother had 
arned him never to do, and then he 
thrust two fingers up into the torn open- 
ing and began ripping the stitches all the 
way down the line, keeping the jacket 
bundled and bunched, because he didn't 
want the bills to fall out until he was 
ready to let it rain. When he had ripped 
the lining dear across the bottom, he 
rose from his squatting position and, still 
holding the jacket so that nothing could 
fall out of it, held it at arm's length in 
both hands and said, “It's going to rain 
moncy, Merilce- 

"Oh, yes, indeed, let it 
said. 


w 


lec 


"Ms going to rain half a million 
dollas’ worth of money." 

"Oh, yes yes, yes. 

: ping to rain all over this floor.” 


"Let it 

"And then we'll 
Mullaney said. 

"Half a million times, 
“one for cach dollar bill." 

“Are you ready?" 

“L am ready,” she said, her eyes glow- 
ing. 

"Here it comes," Mullaney said, "five 
hundred thousand dollars in American 
money, t !" and he allowed the lin- 
ing to fall away from the jacket. 


. baby.” the girl said. 


make love 


the girl said, 


This is Part 1 of “A Horses Head,” a 
new novel by Evan Hunter. The conclu- 
sion will appear next month. 


N S p о cu © ЛЕ, в a| ЛЕ а 
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PLAYBOY 


166 


PLAYBOY INTERVIEW (continued from page 58) 


left and right. I think it’s silly for people 
in England to say they are a rabid social- 
or a rabid conservative, or in America 
a rabid Republican or a rabid Democrat. 
І think in terms of a social rather 
than a political framework. If 1 were a 
Chinese peasant now, I would be a Com 
munist, If I were a millionaire in Amer- 
а, 1 would be a Republican. 


PLAYBOY; Do you have any religious 
views? 
CAINE: Im a Protestant and І had a 


майа Church of England upbringing. To 
me, the value of religion is in the phrase 
“Love thy neighbor.” To me, all rel 
are valid if they do this. Man is an 
mal: and without some spiritual value, he 
well be a hyena. I've noticed in 
ted States that the members of 
the Ku Klux Klan. which hates Negroes 
d Jews and Catholics, are always 
Protestant nd it has always rankled 
with me that these people should be of 
the same religion as myself. But I don't 
really recognize race or religioi 

PLAYBOY: Do you believe in God? 

CAINE: Yes. But He's not a Protestant. I 
don't think He belongs to any rcligior 
PLAYBOY: Many of those who've 
hallucinogenic drugs have reported expe- 
riening transcendental religious visions. 
Have you? 

Never at any time—with or with- 
ags. I. get worried if I have to take 
aspirin. 

PLAYBOY: What do you think 
son so many young people 
menting with drugs? 

CAINE: The reason is weakness. They 
have a hole in the middle they're trying 


the rea- 
re expe 


to stop up. І can understand a woman 
taking drugs, but never a man. As soon 
asa man takes drugs, he loses the right to 
the title of a man. Fm not against drug 
Mids: that’s a medical problem Im 
just ag drugs for "experi 
ene.” Tve been with people who take 
drugs and they regard me as a square 
and a bore. By God, if they only knew 
how boring they were to someone il 
command of all his senses. 

PLAYBOY: Lets get back to your career. 
You've said. you have по love for either 
theuer or TV. Why? 

CAINE: For ten years I gave everything 
to those two ad 1 never 
made a respectable living. The theater 
we me nothing: neither did TV. And 
it’s one of the hardest slogs in the world 
—the mental and artistic slog of doing 
live drama, not just the physical slog of a 
half-hour movie each week. I did every 
piece of crap that came along, just to 
make a living, and 1 thought I could dis- 
guise it as something else. I thought, if 1 
Gurt cam any money, at least 1 might 
win an award. 

PLAYBOY: Did you? 

CAINE: I was nominated twice, but never 
got on ds always went to the 
y in the series who had 26 shots at the 
cter. E resented it at the time. 
I low again this April at the Academy 
Awards; bur at least I can comfort my- 
self now with the thought that I'll wind 
up а rich man, if not an honored one. 
How do you react to disip- 


businesses, 


г 


“This younger generation has it too easy. We 


didn't have fire when I was a 


ever happened. This is my cowardice 
coming back. 
PLAYBOY: Apart from your emotions оп 
Academy Awards night, what did you 
think of Holivwoodz 
CAINE: I had read every book there was 
about the place and 1 was in love with it 
before 1 went. Bur E quite expected to be 
Jet down. І wasn't, because it lived up to 
all my wildest dreams. Tt was fantastic. 
175 the people who make it. Everybody 
talks about the number of phonies 
among movie stars; well, I've met more 
phonies working im a factory of 250 
people than 1 met during my entire stay 
in Hollywood, when Û must have met in 
the region of 15.000 people. People want 
10 dislike people who are a succes; they 
ant them to be phony. But the people 
п Hollywood were kind to me and they 
wanted nothing from me. It’s nothing to 
do with my being a success. What could 
they get from me, anyway? Money? An- 
other picture? If I never made another 
picture, their studios wouldn't collapse. 
PLAYBOY. To judge by the gossip col 
umns, most of the people in Hollywood 
who were kind to vou seemed to be 
fanale—Natilie Wood, Nancy Si 
Minnelli, among many others. 
1 did go out with all the girls yc 
but in every case, it 


n every sense of the 
word—but there was no romance. I was 
stranger in a strange town and people 
were prepared to go out with me, out of 
hospitality, not romance, This is where 
people get wrong ideas; they see pictures 
of me at premieres with my arm around 
some girl's waist, without knowing th 
the photographer asked me to do it for 
the picture, lis very nice to put your 
arm round irl's waist, but it i 
necessarily salacious. 
PLAYBOY: Did you 1 
enough to live there? 
CAINE: No, because as a 
need to live 
cause I am a ee 
mean I t love America. 1 do, whole 
heartedly. When 1 spend two hours ii 
Helsinki being homesick for London, I 
also spend two hours being homesick for 
New York or Los Angeles or Chicago- 
any of the places in America I visited 
and where I was so happy 

PLAYBOY: Does that indude the South, 
where you made Hurry Sundown? 
CAINE: 1 can't say ГЇ miss that part of 
the country (oo much, no. 

PLAYBOY: While you were filming the pic- 
ture there. did you become involved, as 
so many prominent movie personalities 
have, in the civil rights movement? 
CAINE: I got involved in nothing down 
there—except some very potent drinks 
made of rum. But now that Im home, I 
E sa visit nglishman for ten 
weeks, that the whites there can't р 
and they can't succeed. And the Negro 


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—he has now created his own fascists. 
Ihe white man has been wrong for the 
past 300 years, d it looks like the Ne- 
gro will be wrong for the next 300 years, 
At one moment the 1 say, 
ғ an individual,” and the 
next minute he'll say he has inherited the 
white man's hatreds. What kind of indi- 
vidual is that? Why can't he be a ma 
stinding on his own feet and with a little 
human mercy for whites? 
PLAYBOY: Did you слег try saying that 
down there? 
CAINE: No. I wanted to come home. 
PLAYBOY: Did you find it odd that as an 
Englishman you should be called upon 
to play a bigoted Souther 
CAINE: І can't think of m 
actors who'd want the t 
PLAYBOY: Ouo Preminger, your director 
film, has a reputation for intimi- 
How did you get along 


dating actors. 
with him? 
CAINE: Marvelously. I think he intimi- 
dates only unprofessional actors. Ouo 
and I are great, great friends; and even 
if the reviews on Hury Sundown are 
bad, we always will be. 

PLAYBOY: You once called yourself “the 
world's youngest Otto Preminger." Why? 
CAINE: Because of what 1 consider one 
of the worst things in my own character: 
a complete hatred of inefficiency when 
people don't do their jobs right. 1 imme- 
diately lose my temper, because I'm 
efficient. mysell, Another thing 1 cant 
запа is unpunctuality—something Im 
never guilty of myself. And being charged 
enormous prices in hotels and restau 
rants and. then not getting good service. 
If I go into Joe's Calé and pay 25 cents 
for something, I don't mind walking up 
to the counter and fetching it myself. 
But if Fm charged exorbitant prices, 
people had better start runnin 
otherwise, there is bloody murder from 
me. It’s intolerant, I know, and without 
reason—but there you are. 

PLAYBOY: Do you consider yourself emo- 
tionally mature? 

CAINE: Not yet. I wouldn't consider that I 
was emotionally mature until 1 had mar 


around; 


ried again and made a success of that 
marriage. and with a family. At the 
moment, and for the past ten years, I've 
had such a marvelous time being imma- 
ture that I'm beginning to worry about 
the desirability of becoming mature. But 
Vil reach it; in fact, I feel it coming on. 
PLAYBOY: Have you ever seen a psychi- 
ашы? 

CAINE: Cockneys call them “trick cy- 
clists,” and that is exactly what I think of 
them. I'm talking about the psychiatrist 
with a posh olhce and rich patients, not 
about those who treat real mental illness. 
I won't have anything to do with them. I 


would rather go mad than sce a psy 
chiatrist. 

PLAYBOY: Do you act, as some do, to find 
an identity—or to hide your own? 
CAINE: I know exactly who and what I 


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NAME: 


PLAYBOY 


168 


“You're the lady who carries large amounts of money, right?” 


am, and I'm not ashamed of it. Im a 
man first and an actor second. Гуе al- 
ways felt that. people—induding myself 

don't understand. enough about onc. 
another. and Гуе always tried to find out 
a lile bit more. That’s one of the rea- 
sons | became an actor. My study of 
acting is not a study of books by Sta- 
nislavsky but of people 1 meet in subway 
trains or buses. I try to reflect and illumi- 
little bit of what they don't under- 
and in one another. That ma 
Godlike, but I'm not a god or an oracle. 
I's just my job, like some people make 
bathroom fixtures—except that my job 
isn't ay necessary as theirs. 
PLAYBOY: Do you have uouble getting 
out of character when you've finished а 
picture? 


As soon as a director says 
" at the end of a scene, that scene 
is finished for me and 1 forget the lines. 
Its all а matter of concentration. During 
а take, а lamp сап fall over, but ГИ go 
right on, because I haven't noticed iı. But 
when the movie comes to an end, Fm 
thinking with 100-percent concentration 
about where I'm going for my holidays. 
Except I don’t have any holidays 
PLAYBOY: If you were able to find time 
for one, where would you go and what 
would you do? 

CAINE: Lic in the sunshine, anywhere 


there is а good beach and good food. I 
would take Camilla and we would be on 
our own and 1 would just forget it, forget 
it all. E could use a long rest. But I don't 
want to find myself back where I began. 
So I keep on going. 

PLAYBOY: Is that why you haven't taken 
val break between pictures since making 
The Ipcress File two and а half years 
ago? 

CAINE: I'm following the advice of the 
assistant director of Hurry Sundown, who 
said to an clecwician who asked him 
he should do with his ladder, “Just 
go out that door and keep on going until 
your hat floats.” Well, I shall keep on 
going in this business until my hat floats. 


Then ГЇЇ come up for air and buy a new 
har Moviemaking isn't like mount 
climbing; you can't plant а iow 


you've arrived. When you reach the top, 
that's when the climb begins. 
PLAYBOY: Do vou feel you h; 
pete with other actors? 

CAINE, I envy no one and 1 covet noth- 
ing. Quite honestly, E have never envied 
anyone in my life—to the point of smug 
nes. 1 have always been terribly happy 
to be me. 

PLAYBOY: If you could change anything 
about yourself, what would it be? 
CAINE: The color of my hair and eye 
lashes and eyebrows. They're blond. Га 


е то com- 


like to have а nice dark, handsome face. 
Well, dark, anyway. 
PLAYBOY: Do you ever worry about your 
future? Do you think vou might wind 
up like Alfie—alienated and alon 
CAINE: I'll never be lonely like Alfic, be- 
cause ГИ be married, with a family: Т al- 
ready have a nine-year-old daughter. Tm 
sure she'll love her old dad. But I don't 
жопу about the future. 
loved today. My mother used to say to 
me, “You're а long time dead, and today 
will never come back." Гуе lived my life 
ise—by my own rules, 
no rules, except to 
avoid deliberately hurting others. 
PLAYBOY: Do you ever lean on anyone, 
ever go 10 anyone for advice? 
CAINE: No onc 
PLAYBOY: Whom have you learned. from? 
CAINE: Funnily enough, from the Chinese, 
when I was fighting in Korea. They 
didn't know they were teaching me any- 
thing, but I learned a lot, and what I 
ried was about me. It is a marvelous 


Гус always 


ng to happen to а young man—but 
please God t ıo happen 
One day in Korea I knew 
I was going to be killed. Obviously, 
nothing happene: at that point, 
when T was 19 tin I was going 
to be shot, my immediate reaction was, 
“OK, but I'm going to take as many of 
them with " And that is 
the key ıo my character if anyone is 
interested. in looking for the lock, let 
alone the key. And the key is this: Any 
one who does anything to me, as I siid 
before, no matter what, ГЇ] go after them 
—to the point of death, and ГЇЇ take 
them with me if P have ro. I am not 
afraid to die. so there's nothing you can 
do to me. П one of my great advantages 
that I found it out when I was 19. 1 
started ош without a penny. not an ounce 
of training and working ín a factory to 
arn some pennies. If 1 fail, lll go back 
to that, Well, that’s what 1 was destined 
to be at birth. I've been a failure 
been a success, and ГІ probably be 
ure again a couple of times and a success 
again. Гуе been “in” and “with it 
ГІ probably be “out” someda 
am, E hope it's 
taxes are lower. Even if it’s not Switzer- 
land, even if I fade away tomorrow, I've 
had 14 years of fantastic living— 
that nobody starting in ten minutes! time 
can take away from. me. 
PLAYBOY: How would 


s E cu 


me 


bonus 


like to be 
mater? 


I won't give a 


он 


remembered? Or doesn't it 
ne, 


CAINE: After I'm gi 
damn. I can face death, although Id 
hate to die stupidly. But when it hap 
pens, FII go to heaven, because I haven't 
done anything really bad in this мона 
and Fl just sit up there watching you 
all. And I shall say, “Now, let's see if yo 
can make a better job of it than 1 did 
Lets sce what's so hot about you, then.” 


SS ef Paris (continued from page 110) 


and often fanciful imaginations. In these 
two c aly, and iu all the 
little bistros y the adjacent Rue 
Saint Benoit, to approa ngle girl— 
h a tactfully presented offer of any- 
thing from another cup of colfee to a 
weekend on the Aegean—is almost de 
rigueur. Available or not, the mesde- 
moiselles will be anything but offended 
at such attempts to enhance Franco- 
American relations. The casual pickup 
has been commonplace in St-Germ: 
and nearby Montparnasse for decades, 
1 most of the local females still strive 
prewily to live up to the tradition of 
freeliving, Iree-loving abandon decreed 
them by their spiritual grandmothers in 
the post-World War One era. 

‘The girls you're likely to encounter at 
Flore or Deux Мароз might best be 
erized аз upper-class bohemians 
ariably well educated, very pos 
bly well bred and perhaps even well off 
Real students and real. bohemians can't 
afford the tarif{—they're more likely to 
be found in the more modest bistros 
nearby. If you're truly interested in study. 
ing the studious, stroll down St-Germain 


ha 


chara 


to the Boulevard St-Michel, by the 
Sorbonne. Here the cafés abound with 
more authentic coeds who share all the 


spree de corps of their upper-class sis 
ters. But if your inclination runs to 
ward the beat or the offbeat, you may 
be disippointed to discover that real 
East Village hippies are relatively scarce 
» Paris: The charm of bohemia wears 
well in the City of Light, but the 
squalor of the beat pad does not. In fact, 
the [ew hippie güls in Paris spring 
largely from well-to-do Swiss 
and American families. "The displaced 
Americans can be seen occasionally at 
the giant American Express office 
the Opéra, barefoot ly in 
need of a dry-cleaning, self-consciously 
icking up a check from Dad. 

nother fertile source of stimula 
intellectual companionship is the Th 
átre National Populaire, common meet 
ground for attractive and unattached 
young play lovers. Here you might find 


nd 


yourself sitting next 10 а prospective after- 
theater companion; and while you're get- 
ting atqu g your French 


is fair or better—yo ijoy a superb 
performance. Afterward, whether single 
or à deux, you might dine at La Coupole 
on the Boulevard du Montparnasse, an- 
other of the haunts of the He 
era, now an after-hours gathering place 
for theater types, possibly because it's one 
of the largest restaurants in Paris, so pon- 
derously unintimate that it's virtually 
impossible to sit through an entire meal 
there without seeing someone you know 
or would like to. Despite Coupole's size, 
both food and service are excellent, 

If the rigors of transatlantic travel 


have made inroads on your 
there ате many alternatives to wi 
and dining in the grand m: 
first day in town—all of them offe 
les imposing (but no les reward 
opportunities to meet suitable female 
companionship. Le Drugstore on the 
Boulevard St-Germain (there's another 
on the Champs-Elysées) is a traditional 
American institution gone gaily Gall 
Amid surroundings of sandalwood and 
mirrors, smart young things 
through a wide variety of magazines and 
merchandisc—or sit nibbling a sandwich 
and watching the interior tali. Les 
Drugstores ате unique even for Paris 
aurae pleasantly diverse species of bi 
alone or in braces or coveys. Seating 
space is always at a premium, so nothing 
but needless reserve prevents you from 
taking the empty scat next to whichever 
unattached jeune fille most appeals to 
you. The same rule applies at the Pub 
Renault, in the rear of the Renault 
room at 53 Champs-Elysées, which caters 
to a slightly younger but no less ap 
pealing clientele, many of whom seem to 
spend entire afternoons there, sipping 
cappuccino ng the latest in 
uto buffs. 

summer day at the Piscine 
g pool 


browse 


les- 


Assembly, you'll encounter what 
nust be the highest concentrat: 
kinied femininity to be found t 
St-Tropez. As a terrestrial embodiment 


n of bi- 


le of 


s 


of a girl watcher's wildest fantasies, this 
matchbox Jones Beach makes meeting 
girls literally as easy as stumbling over 
n. IE you're fortunate enough to have 
placed friend who can case your 
y with a giltedged introduction, you 
cin encounter more of the same 
the pool of the poshly aristocratic Racing- 
Club de France, nestled far from the 
madding crowd (but desirably close to 
the action) in the hush of the Boisde. 
Boulogne. But an entree is a must. 


ound 


Parisian night life is even more pro 
tean than the French Constitution: 
What's in today is out tomorrow, ad 


infinitum, Right now, the swi 
spot in town, and cer 
best places to meet the dazzling and 
stylish beauties for which the City of 
Light is so justly famous, is C: 


igingest 
ily one of the 


tel, a 
cavernous, velvetlined, art nouveau di- 
scothiéque behind an anonymous oak door 
on Rue Princesse. Here, in raucous and 
rather decadent elegance, the very rich 
mingle with the very beautiful and the 
very famous. Besides a gilded Russian 
Orthodox Madonna, a Mod boutique 
and a superb restaurant, there's a high- 
infidelity аша th; ascends mere elec 
tronics. The music is recorded, of course, 
mostly Chicigo-style blues-rock, 1 
English. The ¢ 
of them una 


ics in 


ifying number 


lsa gi 
companied: 


g actresses. Е 
they look as if they could s 
the screen with Jane Fonda, as indeed 
many of them have, since some sc 


om minisl 


“Oh, Vincent, you shouldn't have!” 


169 


PLAYBOY 


170 heterosexual relationships: IE a Paris I 


from Fonda's recent opus The Game Is 
Over were filmed there. Castel is osten- 
sibly a private club, but few who look 
cither respectable or interesting have 
ever been denied admittance. 

The freewheeling informality of the 
discotheque scene—and the undeniable 
lure of the disco clientele—makes 
places such as Castel especially fertile 
sources of oui-hours companionship. A 
notch below Castel. but still very close 
to the top, are the King Club, New Jim- 
туз and Le Cage. Denizens of these 
three, while not quite the stylish jet- 
setters at Castel, still comprise some of the 
most appealing elements of Paris café 
society. Le Cage. whose chrome-plated 
confines resemble the interior of a giant 
psychedelic Pullman car, is probably the 
ошу discothèque in Paris feau 
common American disco phenom 

gilded cage. Presumably this 
more American. and, 
athentie. As the names 


ore 


ice to American origins, despite the fact 
that most of what's worth while about 
Paris night lite—ineluding the disco- 
thèque itselt—is wholly indigenous. 
Whether in the opulent intimacy of 

crowded night spot or on the less teem 
g but equally elegant byways along 
the Seine, you'll find the atmosphere of 
Paris redolent with sexuality. An attrac 
tive girl, wherever she goes, expects to 
be thoughtfully stared at by every pass- 
ing male. This frank flawery nourishes 
her feminine spirit much in пе 
way food sustains her body. If soulful 


and candid. reafhrmations of her sex ap. 
peal are not immediately forthcoming, 
she may suspect that there's something 
ami: her appearance—or something 


wrong with the male who missed it. IL 
she's stared at by someone who catches 
her fancy, ofttimes she'll reciprocate 
not with the tentative glances you're 
ly to encounter on Fifth Avenue but 


h a disarmingly direct and very 
thy look of unabashed admiration. 
Her special penchant for contact. 


makes the i 
laionships—from the endur 
the most ephemeral of encounters—con- 
lerably simpler. Whether at a bistro, at 
a party or even in а casual sidewalk con- 
ion, there's no mistaking the look 
when it comes—and Paris it comes 
with gratifying frequency. Both parties 
sense immediately what is happening, 
and hours of peekaboo parrying are dis- 
pensed with at a glance—a very conven- 
i id timesaving social custom 
girls the world over might well emulate. 

Having passed the eye test, you may 
find yourself. beneficiary of yet another 
Parisian institution that seems deliber- 
ately contrived to hasten the progress of 
iss 


itiation of frankly sexual re- 


that 


permits you to kiss her, it's almost а cer- 
айну that she'll share your bed as well. 
ОГ course, this rule has its exceptions, 
and it certainly doesu't apply to the tra- 


ditional French buss on the cheeks— 
which, incidentally, is меп less fre- 
quently in Paris today. But if the kiss is 
real, most likely the desire is, too, and. — 


circumstances permitting—consummation 
is more than just a possibility. Pari- 
siennes are notorious coquettes, but they 
maintain a fine distinction between te: 
ng and torture. Very rarely will you ei 
counter ап ersatz swinger who goes so 
far and no farther: The parisienne sim- 
ply refuses to generate sparks unless she 
wants to savor the whole conflagr 
through to the afterglow. 

Once you have established an alliance, 
you can begin to appreciate the subtle 
delights that comprise la vie parisienne 
апа la parisienne herself. И won't 
to discover, for 
t she is passionately pro-American, 
to a degree that might seem surprising, 
indeed, to traveler: customed to. en- 
during lengthy foreign critiques—both 
knowledgeable and unknowledgeable— 
of virtually all aspects of American life. 
Venality is an undeniable Lact of the 
parisienne’s personality, but her. devo- 
tion to things Stateside uanscends the 
mere ring of the dollar. More likely, 
hers is a genuine fascination with the 
lore and lure of progres. Ameri 
style. Americans fire the French imagi- 
nation, The typical Parisian image of a 
foreigner is not British but American— 
despite the fact that there are many 
more English in Paris at any given mo- 
ment. The highest paid male model in 
Paris today is an American ex-Marine, 
who somehow fits the French gir 
tion of what a cowboy should look lik 

The parisienne digs American music, 
American art, American clothing and 
American institutions generally. Rock ^п” 
roll, Levis, buttondown shirts, Op art, 
Coca-Cola and rLavsoy all play impo 
tant roles in her life. Perhaps disturbing- 
ly, you'll also find her reveling in many 
of the tinscled and transistorieed. mani- 
festations of American culture that you 
might have come to Paris to forget. But 
through the eyes of a h girl, even 
the less commendable facts of American 
life em with a patina of Parisian 
charm. 

While the typical Paris demoiselle 
«Шу espouses the thoughtlessty self- 
preoccupied hedonism that unthinking 
outside observers have often imputed 
to her ( s her share of 
straitlaced girls from hyperprotective 
families), centuries of permissive, cosmo- 
sation 1 


Frer 


ve nurtured 


les more sexually tolerant 
and more worldly than any others on 
carth, Parisian women excel in their 


liosyn- 
of men. Even respectable Frendi 


en or heard—in three- 
restaurants, tiny boites or wherever 
'd care to look—amiably discussing 
their affaires de coeur with anyone inter 
ested enough to listen. Single girls dis- 
cuss matters sexual—their past lovers, 
their current liaisons, even their bed- 
room proclivities—with a candor that is 
equally engaging 

Since the Second World War. intellec- 
feminists—of which ther 
large and articulate faction in P. 
have been persuasively vocal in their ar- 


gument that the young parisienne is enti- 
dled to all 


the sc freedom of he 


dy 
sert her female i 

On the other hand. per 
she is rarely forced into real competition 
with men in a social or economic setting, 
she never faces the confusion that often 
confronts her Stateside sister—deciding 
when to be equal and when to be 
different. She is always dilterent, always 
womanly, secu ıd rejoicing in her 
Even among successful. busi 
and the booming post-W 
economy has produced quite a few of 
them in Pari 
the pushy, рашу executive-bittersweet. 
stereotype that is the successlul New 
York career woman. The Parisian girl, no 


tunity to dence 


sone rarely encount 


matte 
business, knows inst that any 
relations between the sexes are just that 


—sexwal. She will rely on femininity, 
rather than on business acumen, in her 


fe, 


Whether ness 01 
la parisienne is beset by the Mattery of 
admiring males whenever she ventures 
dose to them. bur she is never enshrined 
or apotheosized. Men cater to her corpo- 
al vanity, which is immense, but make 
no concessions to her physical weakness, 
which is largely mythical, Most of 
the hoary clichés of Gallic politesse— 
door holding, hat tipping, chair pushing, 
hand kissing, and the like—that Ameri- 
сапу perhaps victimized by one too 
many Mau hevalier flicks, tend to 
associate with Paris lif. y o 
there. The French male is every bit as so- 
licitous as his Am terpart, but 
his interest takes a different form, which 
American males, unless well versed in 
ners Continental, imitate only at 
il Since the Frenchman is 
Mfinitdy more fashion-conscious (men 
comprise 25 percent of the readership of 
7 most popular ladies’ fashion 
) instead of offering to сапу 
mademoiselle’s groceries, he might re 
mark that she's wearing the latest per- 
fume—and name the brand approvingly. 

The status the parisienne acquires 
throngh stylish accesso: just one as- 
pect of the economic revolution that. 
has swept over France in the past 15 


a private 


ra 


r 


n cou 


ies 


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years—working a number of worthwhile 
changes on its female population. Freed 
once and for all from the twin shackles 
of the Code Napoléon and a stratified 
society, nurtured in an era of unprece- 
dented affluence, raised in an ambiance 
of sexual license and beneficiary of an 
educational system ellectively free to all 
who qualify, the Parisian jeune fille has 
only in the past few years begun to сх- 
plore the full potentials of the good 

кіш a gusto bespeaking her desire to 
make up for los time. Her 
upward-mobile society poses по li 
the heights to which she c 

she is determined to test her wi 
ployment opportunities seem 10 open 
magically to accommodate her. In a re- 
cent survey, Parisian girls listed. public 
relations and photography—in that order 
—as the two careers they'd most like to 
pursue, and currently these are two of 
the fastestgrowing businesses in Paris. 
(PR. comprises a much broader spectrum 
of duties than in the U. S.: photography 
vocation was doubtless given a big 
boost by the popularity of Jacqueline 
Kennedy, the most admired woman in 


France, who met her husband while she 
мау а camerawoman.) 
Besides the desirable and highly lucra- 


tive positions as models in Panis’ big 
name fashion houses (Courréges, Dior, 
Givenchy, Saint Laurent, and the like). 
parisiennes cam also explore а wide 
variety of moderately well-paying jobs in 
such glamorous fields as cinema, adver 
ing, radio and television—or as hiótesses, 
a job for which there is no precise 

.S. equivalent, requiring реп, uni 
formed and multilingual stewardess types 
10 serve as imterprewer-guides for conven- 
tions, tours, rade exhibitions and what 
пог. If you land at Orly Field, you'll sec 
а counterful of them: virtually all speak 
English, and they can be very pl 
after-hours company, indeed. 

The recent. proliferat 
boutiques and the continuing expat 
of the larger (but still very tasteful) 
department stores have created а bur- 
sconing need for attractive and knowl 
edgeable salesgirls, A stroll around the 
shop-ined confines of SevresBabylone, 
in the very heart of the Left Bank, will 
affirm how well the need has been met. 
Because most of the boutiques—especially 
the madder, Moddier ones—eater to the 
tourist trade, you'll find, if you care to 
venture in, that most of these girls speak 
excellent English, too. 

Besides the economic revolution, there's 
the Gallic equivalent of a moral up- 
heaval going on in Paris right now. 
With some justification, the typical pari- 
sienne feels that her gra 
the sexual revolu 
and she’s mildly mystified as to how an 
issue so old hat could acate such fervor in 
even as fervorprone a country as the 
United States. But currently, the French 
National Assembly is debating the issue 


of birth control. Still on the books is 
France's famous 1920 law prohibiting 
contraceptive. devices of any sort. The 
law reflects not so much France's perva- 
sive Catholicism (the nation is nominally 
80-90 percent Roman Catholic) as its 
shocked reaction to the horrors of World 
War One, which more than decimated 
its male population. Statistics and cathe- 
drals notwithstanding. Paris is decidedly 
a nonreligious city, priding itself, in fact, 
on 

and apostasy d 


heritage of anticlericalism. heresy 


ating to long before the 
ume of Voltaire, While contraceptive de- 
vices, especially in Paris, have [or years 
been available to the educated and the 
well to do, the current movement would 
extend their use to the less favored. The 
pill is now available by doctor's prescrip- 
tion, but even this can be difficult to ob- 
tain. Ш the Parisian feminists, the ladies 
magazines and an enthusiastic majority 
of young Parisian males have their way, 
will soon be available to any girl 
requests it, of France's 
comprehensive ath plan. 
Though it's still flourishing, prostitu. 
tion has also run afoul of the law. For 
beuer or for worse, the golden age of the 
Paris brothel has passed. The city still 
tems with play-forpay girls, running 
the economic spectrum from $5 to 5150 
a throw, but almost imperceptibly their 
number is diminishing. The iron hand of 
free enterprise—rather than the cr 
nd ponderous edifice of the law— 
eventually force Paris poules out of 
business, Confronted with a booming 
economy generating ever-increasing num- 
bers of beuerpaying (and considerably 
less strenuous) jobs for women, and fac 
ing the burgeoning threat of amateur 
competition, the pros of Paris are at best 
fighting to hold their own. The French 
government may even wind up subsidi 
ing them, much in the same wa 
maintains m 
lighiul landmarks that make Paris the 
charming city it is; but it's sale to as 
ime that in the next generation, Pari 
sian practitioners of the world's oldest 
profession will tend to become, more and 
more, the world's oldest professiona! 
We can't bring ourself to recommend 
, but those who vencrate tradition 
sufficiently to forgo the pleasures of the 
chase (if such it can be called in Paris) 
will find several areas of the city where 
cash will buy companionship. The kog- 
єч group of grisettes will be found in the 
second and ninth arrondissements (geo- 
graphical designations equivalent to our 
precincts, but much more widely used), 
h arca running from Boulevard de Sc 


who 


it 
ny of the useless but de- 


bastopol to the Gare Saint-Lazare, taking 
а en 
the 


the Madeleine and the Opé 
route. A few of the girls si work 
streets, but you'll find most of them i 
small cafés, unmistakably giving you 
the glad eye—and sometimes the glad 
hand—as you enter. Prices here range 
from as little as $5 (even less if tradition 


compels you to haggle) on the dingy Rue 
Budapest behind the Gare Saint-Lazare, 
to 510 or even $20 around the Made- 
leine or Opéra. Montmartre, Pigalle and 
the posh 16th arrondissement also have 
their share of @mour-the-merrier gri- 
selles, and on the Rue nt-Denis and 
the Boulevard de Sébastopol one can en- 
counter, from mesh stockings to. perox- 
ide, the same Irma la Douce types (and 
possibly some of the same girl) who 
made Paris so well membered һу 
doughboys during the Great War. 
Theres also а flourish of srumpets by 
Les Halles (where generations of night 
people have r d for predawn onion 
soup). near City Hall. and shanks’ mar- 
ing along the Champs-Elysées (these are 
the most expensive filles de joie) 
In this automotive era, it was predict- 
able that Parisian prostitutes would also 
take 10 the wheel. Around the Champs- 
Elysé t least a score of girls will be 
all too willing to take you for a literal joy 
ride. When good weather finds potential 
customers seated at the sidewalk tables 
lining the boulevard, a girl looking every 
ch the high-fashion model on her 
lunch hour will slowly cruise past on a 
well-defined circuit. After the second or 
third lap, an interested male may go to 
the curb, to hop into her Aston Martin 
when next she passes. In the evenings, 
e girls—or their freewheeling 
-auise up and down the 
ue George in Peugeots, Citroëns 
X You can generally 
guess their price from the car they're 
driving. In midwinter, its an intriguing 
sight, indeed, to sce a brace of ravishing 
beauties, in breath-taking  décolletage. 
driving serene cirdes in a Mercedes 
along the darkened streets of the capital. 
The members of this motor club- 
of them expert drivers, 
known to the Paris police as “les ama- 
zones." They whisk their clients off to a 
nearby hotel—or to the dark and peace- 
ful byways of the Bois-de-Boulogne, for 
a memorable ménage à rois 

The law actually encourages such 
auto-croticism. The 1960 ruling against 
street propositioning, in conjunction with 
a city ordinance making it illegal to usc a 
idence for “immoral” purposes and a 
kdown on those living off girls’ earn- 
ps (which struck a mortal blow to 
l hotelkeepers), leaves the 
ternatives. Theres no ruling 
t happy motoring. and les ama- 
zones are making the best of it. When 
they're not wheeling and dealing, they're 
often wandering in and out of the ba 
at the Hotel George V 
wealthy respectability) or at La Calav; 
dos, an equally respectable supper club 
nearby. 

Success in their c 
casier by the q 


ng is made no 
ity and quantity of 
semiprofessional talent now operating in 
Paris. In increasing numbers since the 
War, girls of every sort have been doing 


occasionally for money what they would 
otherwise be doing for pleasure alone. 
Some are pretty salesgirls who can't 
quite make ends meet or simply must 
have 520 to buy a new Mod coat, Oth- 
cm, on the fringes of St.Germain-des- 
Prós, realistically gratify two appetites 
oncc—by combining sexual dalliance 
with the price of a dinner or three. All 
are independent, living in virtually 
every sector of the city, operating only 
when the urge strikes them. By the in- 
s of their dress and their ac- 

tions, i ү to tell them from the pros. 
St-Germain-des Prés is one of the best 
areas in which to find these free-loving 
free lancer. In any number of calés, 
boites and caves, you'll find girls in their 
teens and 20s looking for kicks. Sex is 
just one of their kicks, but it can provide 
What passes in this area for a livelihood. 
A few may ultimately wind up as full- 
fledged hookers around the Opéra or 
the Madeleine, but most, in time, м 
emerge prosaic housewives, probably th 
better for having left their wild oats in 
gely 
though a few haye daytime jobs of one 
sort or another. Swept up in the uncer- 
tain tide of their own emotion, too self- 


“Well, dey taken John Henry to de grabeyard. 


assured—or too languorous—to swim 
ist it, they wash from one boyfriend 
to another, from one pad to another, al- 
ways reserving the right to have other 
pads, boyfriends—or customers—in the 
proces. In La Vérité, Brigitte Bardot 
played the archetype of just such a girl. 
Almost without trying, you can find her 
in any of the darker, smokier cafés—and 
Ike her back to your hotel if you so de- 
. (Whether in the grandest hotel or 
the humblest pension, Paris concierges 
are so accustomed to this sort of union 
that they tend to bless it with a paternal 
smile—if they see anything at all) Your 
found friend may stay the duration 
or run off the next day. and she may or 
may not ask for money. If she does, іс 
won't be much, because sex is part of her 
“self-expression,” which she doesn’t want 
to compromise unduly. 
In the footloose Ame 
book, one of the great 
Paris is its great a : 
girls from all over. Furope—even fr 
all over the world. During the summer 
months—especially in August, when most 
of France goes оп vacation—the oppor- 
tunities for meeting foreign girls in Paris, 
rangi 


new 


guide- 
of 


Aw dey buried him in de hot san’ 

An’ eb/ry locomotive come roarin’ by 

Sayin’ dere was a steel dribin’ man, Lawd Lawd, 
Sayin’ dere was a steel dribin’ тап...” 


173 


PLAYBOY 


174 


from France's more remote provinces 
to equally funloving types from as far 
away as Australia or Hawaii—are almost 
limitless. A summer holiday brings out 
the best, as well as the beast, in most of 
the pretty visitors: and you can almost 
take your pick of Munich models, Dan- 
ish danseuses, American exchange stu- 
dents and the comeliest of comrades 
from Moscow—many of whom will be 
ready and willing to sample the pleasures 
of Paris with a young male who shares 
their taste for la vie joyeuse. 

For Americans, of course, Paris is no 
farther away than a passport, the stand- 
ard vaccination booklet and a 5250 
charter the East Coast, (Standard 
summer с S751 first class and $526 
coach, round trip from New York, with a 
considerable coach discount during the 
off season.) If you're not secking authen- 
tic parisiennes (many of whom will prob- 
ably spend the month on the Riviera), 
Paris is really a delightlul place to visit 
in August, despite what the guidebooks 
he streets 


from 


ares a 


say. are relatively empty, 
parking spaces appear regularly, driving 
can be attempted without risk of life. 


nighttime entertainment goes on comme 
d'habitude and—as long as you're 
booked at one of the bener hotcls—closed 
shops won't pose major difficulties. 

OI course, the tourist girls you'll meet 
are invariably less inhibited Шап they 


would be on home ground. They're out 
on a Continental fling. from dis. 


approving parental glances, bound and 
determined to enjoy themselves—and 
very probably longing for understanding 
male companionship. The sightseeing 
route is generally the best place to make 
contact and since foreign girls usually 


prowl Paris in pairs or even packs, it 
won't crimp your style to take along 
friend. At the Louvre, you'll find any 
number of wideeyed young things pay- 
ing breathless respect 10 the Winged 
Victory, the Venus de Milo and the 
Mona Lisa, and the same holds true for 
any of the more prosaic attractions in 
and around Paris—the Eiffel Tower, the 
Arc de Triomphe, Nowe Dame, the 
Luxembourg Gardens, Versailles, the flea 
market and the Bastille. An added plus 
is that perhaps 90 percent of the summer 
touristes you'll meet will speak very 
good English, whatever their nationality. 
The number of American girls in per- 
manent residence in Paris was somewhat 
reduced by Frances recent disengage- 
ment from NATO and the concomitant 
relocation of SHA PI riers. from 
Paris to Belgium; but the loss has been 
partly compensated for by the influx of 
Stateside secretaries working for Ameri- 
сап firms that have set up Paris offices to 
take advantage of Common Market trade 
As the American visitor, male or fe- 
malc. immediately senses, there is a bit 
of Paris—its sparkling beauty, its heady 
heterogeneity 
every girl, 
every French 


joie de vivre, its protea 

its unabashed sexuality — 
and a great deal of it 
girl. Since there's a parisienne inside 
every girl, her life style—whether she 
there a weekend or a lifetime— 
invariably rises to match the splendor and 
animation of the city itself, Though pre- 
sumably he wasn't speaking exclusively 
of the distall side, Emperor Charles V said 
it all in the early 16th Cen “Other 
cities are towns, but Paris is a world.” 


ary: 


“Doctor, I think that Jane's eating, drinking, 
walking, talking, burping and wetting doll is pregnant!” 


SURE THINGS 
(continued from page 111) 


3. Our third diversion involves math 
more deviously, It is called Thirty-One 
and is a variation of a famous game 
called Nim that was immortalized as the 
Match Game in the film Last Year at 
Marienbad. In this version, you place on 
a table ЗІ matches. You explain that cach 
of you must take turns picking up a 
least 1 but not more dian 5 of them. The 
picker of the last match loses. You i 
Vite your guest to go first. You win this 
ame by thinking in multiples of 
Fach time your pigeon picks, you take 
a number of matches that will make his 
turn plus yours equal 6. Obviously, after 
five turns, the last match is his. 

Your ollicious etiqueue in allowing 
your opponent to start each time will 
raise some suspicion and he will probably 
some point invite you to go first. Whe 
that happens, you take any number, 
watch his move, and then be sure your 
next pick makes a grand total of either 
6 or 12, whichever is available. You will 
be in the same position as earlier and 
make groups of 6 to the end. 

If you find that he is making 6s after 
your fast pickup. so that you cannot, it's 
time to switch games, for he's caught on. 
If your opponent insists from the outset 
that you go first, he probably knows the 
game and you'd best demur: He will not 
grant a rematch. Obviously, if the game 


goes normally, there are many oppor 
tunities for betting, depending on you 
mood. 


1. Salaries Our next maneuver is 
welul when ome is cloistered with ai 
acquaintance who marvels at his own 
financial abilities, You take this genius 
into your confidence and tell him you've 
been troubled by an important finan 
decision. A nployer has 
offered you a choice of two methods for 
receiving salary increments. You may 
receive either а $250 raise every six 
months or a $1000 raise cach. r, and 
you, poor simpleton, dont know what 
You can depend on at least a 
patronizing pat on the shoulder and 
the fatherly advice to take the $1000. 
But that’s a stupid and costly thing to 
do, you say. His likely rejoinder will be 
something subtle, such as, "Oh, 
you wanna bet? 
otiating the stakes, you 
plain: Well figure the raies on a b 
pay of 51000 per month. IL you таке the 
$250 raise every six months, then you 
earn 56000 after the first six months, then 
56250 after the second six months: a 
total of $12,250 for the first year. The 
$1000 option offers no raise until after 
the first ve the salary is only 
512,000. 

Now it seems that in the second year 
the 51000-per-year option would do bet- 
ter. After all, there'd be $13,000, while 


prospective ¢ 


to do. 


5. so 


the other gets only two $250 raises. But 
a closer look shows that the second $250 
comes after six months, 


brings th 
total of 


Г year's pay to $6750, a 
0. From then on, the two 
ies always produce $250 
per year. Simple? One note of cau- 
Don't pose this one to your boss the 
month. you're up for a salary review. 

5. There are occasions when it helps 
to have ion in which your victim 
can function alone, so you can demon- 
strate that it’s his failure of character 

ther than your cunning that is costing 
him money. A useful situation of thi 
sort is presented by a game we call Utili- 
ties. You show the following diagram: 


GAS 
Co. со. 


You explain to your companion that һе 
has just become a real-estate developer 
(that should help his cgo tremendous- 
ly). But he has a problem. He has com- 
pleted building the charming $100,000 
Colonial homes shown just as the р 
d electric companies start a feud. 
Each of the companies refuses to allow 
any of the others to install lines across its 
own. Now he's got to solve the problem 
by drawing a line connecting cach house 
with cach utility, without any of the 
lines crossing one another. When а re- 
sponse is elicited, offer any odds you 
like. The problem is insoluble. 

6. IE the pigeon was too shrewd to 
take your bet on Uu 
himself something of an engi 
ical marvel, we'd like to pres 
a diversion designed for him. It’s called 
L The problem is that you 
have drilled a hole through the center of 
a sphere. You measure and find that the 
hole is 6 inches long. What is the volume 
of the remainder of the sphere after 


ics, and he fancies 


drilling the hole? 


t your prospect 
you the answer. If 
is indeed the bright fellow he 
credits himself as being, or he read this 
before you did. Either way, thank him 
and buy a round of drinks. More likely, 
however, he'll ponder the problem for 
a while and inform you that you've made 
a mistake—the problem can’t be solved. 


He'll ask for more information, such as 
the size of the sphere or the diamet 
of the hole. You assure him that there 
iv enough information and, if you 
such a bent, make derogatory 
his vaunted mathematical 
the 


arc of 


references to 


Obviously, it is ti 


acumen. ve Гог 
wager. 

The solution to the problem is always 
the same: the square of the length of the 
hole times pi cubic inches (or feet, etc); 
in this case, 36 pi cubic inches. (You can 
multiply it—36 times 3.14—if you've 
a feeling for verisimilitude.) You ma 


t all look dificult by doodling 


пе symbols and figures for a while 
belore springing the answer, with lots of 
sighing and brow knitting—the stylistic 
embellishments are up to you. But the 
is l we'll give 
you an unimpeachable source in the 
explanations that. follow. 

A problem may arise with your pros- 
pect because all of the above are so 
absolutely foolproof. Even the most self- 
destructive sucker gets impatient. when 
he realizes that there's no hope at all. 
Irs now time to introduce him to some 
entertainments where he wins just often 
enough to stay interested, while playing 
: to plentifully reimburse you 
for your time. 

7. The first of. these more convention- 
al games of chance is Three Dice. You 
ask the prospect what he thinks the 
chances are of rol Teast one 6 with 
three dice. Your average pigeon will 
quickly calculate that there’s one chance 
in six with one die; therefore, there must 


r is no problem, 


ins 


be three chances with the three dice. It 
seems to be an even-money bet. Actually, 
however, the odds are about 4-3 against 
a 6 ing up. If the numbers have 
g lor you, don't fret. Just 
that they are considerably 
bener odds than the casino at Monte 
Carlo uses to accumulate rather large 
sums. 

You now have a number of opportuni. 
ties. You may simply offer even-money 
bets against 6s and steadily increase 
your cash reserves. If you're in a dramatic 
mood, you might launch 
on your occult powers, ending with a pro- 
nouncement of telekinetic prowess. You 
offer wo demonstrate these by assuring 
your mark that you can prevent his 
rolling 6s; and you'll show just how 
much faith you have in yourself by 
placing some gentlemanly wagers. 

If signs of boredom set in, offer to pay 
double when two 6s show, triple for 
three, Under the new system, the odds 
re still a comfortable 11-9, your favor; 
appeal should substantial- 
ly lengthen your pigeon's attention span. 

8. Similar to the above—and no less 


profitable—is Triplets, a brutally simple 
money game whose acion is faster 
than a Las Vegas crap table. Three 
coins are needed. plus a sucker. The 


coins are all tossed at once. If they come 
up three heads, the sucker gets 510. If 
three tails, the sucker gets 510. Any 
other combination and he pays you $5. 
That's two wins for him out of three 
possibilities, plus odds. Sounds too good. 
But if you con him into playing, you 


"Can't you manage to get anything right? It's 


Benzedrine in the morning, tranquilizer 


at night!" 


175 


PLAYBOY 


176 


win three times out of four. That's 
515-510. or a fast 55 take in a very few 
seconds. Played over long periods of 
time, this one loses friends and tuns 
acquaimances imo solid enemi 
9. A gentler game is Queens. Take 
two kings two queens and two jacks 
from a deck of cards. Turn them face 
down on the table and shuffle so neither 
of you knows which is which. Chatter 
amicibly about how unbeatable your 
companion is with the fair sex, Then tell 
him that he's so magnetic, if he picks two 
of the cards, one will be a queen. М 
bet: dts he’s got a que 


THE EXPLANATION: 


wv Eights, This Бег takes ad- 
vantage of the fact that any time you 
square an odd number and divide it by 
В, you get a remainder of l. The steps 
of the bet set up the right situation 
When the mark doubles his numbe 
he makes sure it is even at that point. 
He adds 25 to make sure his number 
odd at the nest point. Phen 
it; at which point, if he divided by В, 
he would ger a те of 1 Then 
he subtracts F;—which is 3 times 8 
plus 1—which gets rid of the remainder 
«I assures the operator of a win. The 
exact numbers used are arbitrary: Any 
odd number would do instead of the 
first 95, and 1 or any multiple of 8 plus 
1 would do instead of the second 25. In. 
«Исе, you could just as well have told. 
the sucker to take an odd number oth 
than 1, square it, and then offer him 
odds that if he divided by 8, he would 
get a remainder of 1. But the elaborate 
provides the necessary drama. 
пе of an odd 
inder of 1 
rly simple and. 
the reader. 


squares 


versio 

The proof that the si 

number always leav 

when divided by 8 is Б; 

is left as an exercise for 

Instant Math. The explanati 

here is trivial, Obviously, if you 

ply 111,111 by any digit, say 

a swing of 6 of those digits—in this 
And 111,111 divided by 7 


873 by the pigem 

by 7, you obviously get 
money. 

Phirty-On 


s num- 


The dor 
stated 
There is nothing spe 
matches or a maximum pick of 
there were, say, ches, with 
maxim k 7. the ope 
would divide 50 by 8 (that is, 
groups of 1 match mote than the 
the opponent can pick up at a turn). 
He sees there six groups of 8 
matches, plus 2 lelt over. He offers to 

st. picks up 1 а 

ablishe«. 


4. Salaries. The gimmick is just tha 
© азо raises ате not being calculated 
on the same basis. The $1000 
у come but once a year bu 
am annual rate basis; the 5250 raises 


objects because there are only six cards 
to choose from, offer 10-1 odds that. he 
can’t pick both queens. That's а very 
sweet bet. The odds are actually 13-1 


against it, 
10. Two of a Suit, We're going to end 
our lesson with one of the simplest and 


most deceptively effective of these bets. 
‘Take an ordinary deck of playing cards 
and have your prospect cut them into 
three piles. You propose that when one 
card from each pile is turned up, two of 
them will be of the same suit. As usual, 
you are willing to back your proposition 
with hard cash. The most unlikely people 


are being calculated on а six-month 
ат Гог 
rcal- 


ter than two $500 raises, If vou put 
that. way, then it is pretty obvious th 
the "smaller" raise is better, since it 
amounts то the sa ng annually as 
the bigger raise, except that vou start 
getting paid a higher rate sooner th: 

if you had to wait till the end of the 
year, But. of course, if you put it that 
way, you don’t have а bet. 

5, Uuli he proof that this 
problem can't be solved is not too hard. 
io understand, but it takes more space 

available here, Consult any ele 
ary text оц topology. OF course. 
^o need proof to win the be 

6. Excavation. The reason the an 
swer is always the same, no matter how 
big the sphere was, is that in order for 
the hole то be exactly 6 inches lor 
it has to get wider and wider as the 

ht help to 
When the 


you doi 


inches), the hole thro 
must be infinitely small; 
6 inches long. with no vol- 
The volume left is the whole 
1 sphere, which is 36 pi cubic 
inches. On the other haud, as the size 
of the sphere approaches infinity. the 
space between a line 6 inches long and 
the side of the sphere approaches zero. 
It never gets 10 zero, of course; there 
is always enough left to get your re 
ing volume of 36 pi cubic inches. 
terested enough 10 go 10 à 
library, vou can find the mathematics 
the November and December, 1957, 
of Scientific American. 
7. Three Dice, The probability 
st one 6 with three 
imes 5/6 times 5/6, 
bout 58 percent. 
the other 91/216 


the cente 


The 6 comes up 
times, about 4 
approach of adding the probabilities 
and getting 1/6 plus 1/6 plus 1/6 sug- 

s that the chance is 3/6, or 50 per- 
cent, which seems reasonable and is 

npler, but wrong. 

8. Triplets. The chance of getting 
one head, if you toss one coin, is, of 
course, 1/2. The chances of tossi 


will call this bet; the proposition truly 
seems foolish. In fact, dear reader, you 
might seriously ask yourself which side of 
this bet youd be inclined to take. After 
all, there are four suits, three cards and 
an hones deck, But speculation doesn’t 
phase the odds: They are, in fact, slight- 
ly better than 3-2 in favor of getting two 
of the same suit from a random pick of 
three cards—once again, a bet designed 
to turn a nice long-term profit. Why not 


y it out right now? It's an enlightening 
experience, and the first step of ап 
entertaining avocation as а gentleman 


swindler. Bonne chance! 


three heads with three coins i: 
1/2 times 1/2 times 1/2, or a 
1/8. Same for tails. So the 
total of 9 8 of the time, and the op- 
erator wins the other 6/8 of the time. 
gh to make a comfortable profit 
сусп after giving the 2-1 odds 
9. Queens, TI X cards, two. 
of them queens. This makes the odds 
1/6 against his getting a queen on his 
st pick, If he de the 
operator has alre won. И he 
doesn't, there are five cards left Гог the 
second pick, of which two still 
queens, His chances of not gening 
the second time will then be 
ll odds of not getting 
ne queen are 4/6 times 3/5, which 1e 
duces to 6/15. The operato = the 


rk wins a 


eno 


are 


tion to be betting even. money 
the other bet to get both queens 

(ш 10-1 odds), he has 

of 6 to get а queen on his first pick. 

If he doesn't get a queen, he has 

already lost. If he does, his chance to 

get the remaining queen on the second 

pick is 1 out of 5. So his over-all chance 

is 26 ti vedi 

chance ош of 15. The oper 

the other 14 times. 

10. Two of a Suit, The reason this 
bet sounds so attractive is the tendency 
to confuse the sit where the 
operator has to get two of a particular 
suit, say spades (where the odds would 
be very һ the opposite), with the 
one hi here the sucker loses 
whenever he fails to pick three 
different suits, Pat that way, the het 
doesn't sound very tempting at all, 
which is why the operator never puts it 
that way. (Think of the cards being 
turned up one at a time: After the sec 
ond card, either the operator will have 
already won—hecause the first two 

ds were of the same snit—or he has 
а 50/50 chance of winning on the ihid, 
where амо suis will him 

d the other two will lose. So the op- 
erator wins about 1/4 of the time on 

he secoud card, and the rest of the 
he has another chance—and a 
good chatice—to win on the third card. 
ir guest wins what's left, which is 
but the very 


пе for long) ED 


which 


win for 


inh Hon a 


“Now, that's what I call a well-trained dog." 


17 


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Suzuk 


almost nothing 
to wear. 


For literature on 250cc X-6 Scrambler (shown) and other models write: U.S. Suzuki Motor Corp., Р.О. Box 2967, Dept.P7A,Santa Fe Springs, Calif. 96070. 


When you solo Suzuki, just seven 
engine parts move. 

And with far less moving there's 
far less wearing and virtually nothing 
going wrong. 

For powerful fun, our Dual-Stroke 
engine (that same master-stroke of 
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hp, more sizzling response than a 


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Other goodies: quiet. A noticeably 
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yours). And an end to oil-gas mixing, 
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We could go through the other 
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While you're 


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The thrill of it 
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You won't be alone! 


PRODUCT OF U.S.A. 1005 NEUTRAL SPIRITS DISTILLED FROM GRAIN. 90 PROOF CORDON S DRY CINCO. LID , LINDEN. N 1 


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No wonder the English have kept cool for 198 years! 


(mix an iced drink with Gordon's to see how they do it)