PLAYBOY

ENTERTAINMENT FOR MEN NOVEMBER 1968 • 75 CENTS

"INSTANT ELECTORATE"
BY ROBERT SHERRILL

MADISON AVENUE IN
AN UNDRESS PARADE `

A WILD INTERVIEW
WITH DON'RICKLES

"ASTROPOLIS: THE
FIRST SPACE RESORT"

THE THEATER'S
NUDE REVOLUTION

PERSONALITY CONTROL
BY ERNEST HAVEMANN

PLUS J. P. DONLEAVY
AND ROBERT CRICHTON

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PLAYBIL WITH ELECTION time

upon us, its perti-
nent to point out that the U.S. Bureau
of Census estimates there are approx
mately 120,000,000 Americans of voting
age. Along with another 80,000,000,
they are represented in the Congress
by 535 men and women who are more
often dun nou it sometimes seems,
bogged down by our oftcumbersome
legislative proces, Would it be more
cthcient, and responsive to the public
interest —as some have suggested —il cach
voter were equipped with а push button
to let the Government know immediate
ly what he wanted done? Author Robert
Sherrill says emphatically no—and tells
us why—in Instant Electorale, an astute.
sal of the prohibitive problems in-
direct voting by c
political issues, Sherrill, whose
most recent book is The Drugstore Lib-
eral, has been a distinguished Washing-
ton reporter for The Nation since 1961.
Besides racking up a huge box office,
vukening interest in the Thirties and
ht sex star of Faye

ned a couple of seedy hoodlums into
glamorous folk heroes. In a colorful rem-
iniscence for rrAYBov, W. D. Jones. the
only surviving member of the B
gang and the real-life model for th

з Riding with Bonnie and

i у was obtained
h the uid of Molly Sinclair, à reporter
fur the Post in Houston, where Jones
now lives. Another behind-the-scenes
memoir is The Real Secret of Santa
Vittoria, im which Robert Crichton
humorously chronicles the painstaking
ordeal of writing his best-selling novel,
soon to be released as a movie.

Space expert Kralft A. Ehricke (his
official tide is Assistant Director of As-
tionics, Autonetics Division of North
American Rockwell Corporation) pro-
jects us to the year 1999 for an Farth-
orbiting, far-out vacation in Astropolis:
the First Space Resort. Author and. co-
author of numerous books and articles
on space flight and cybernetic system
s, Ehricke asserts and explains that
1 tourism is today much
nce fact than to science

Psychochemistry: Personality by Pre-
scription—a documentary exploration
into the mind-bending potentialities of
chemical mood changers and 1. Q. esca-
lators now in the laboratories—marks Er-
nest Havemann's 175th m
and his fourth for rraYnov. C
of Psychology: an Introduction (which
has been chosen by well over 100 colleges
nd un ties as the text for intro-
ductory psychology courses), Havemann
reports: "I now divide my time about
equally among magazine writing, wying
to make my eight race horses show a
profit and collaborating on college text-
books. I find that this gives me a
balance of highbrow, middlebrow and

lowbrow—although 1 never quite know
which brow is which.”

One wild-browed personality who
might benefit from some drastic form of
clinical and/or chemical control is Don
Rickles—the asp-tongued “Mr. Warmth
and the scathing subject of this month's
Playboy Interview, conducted by Sol
Weinstein. Weinstein is currently host-
ing Night Talk, a two-way radio-phone
show on WCAU in Philadelphia, for
which he says, “I've had to accumulate
expertise on everything Irom guppy-
disease prevention to Little League
boccie. But the Rickles interview is my
toughest assignment yet. Don is the first
Jewish Gestapo agent I've ever met.”

Leading oll our fiction this month is
J. P. Donleavy’s rollicking sequel to Oc-
tober's Rite of Love. It's called A
ity, in which Balthazar and his pat
long with a brace of bawds, try to
it the author at Dub-
lin's Trinity College. Both stories are part
of Donleavy's fourth novel, The Beast-
ly Beatitudes of Balthazar B. to be pub-
lished this month by Delacorte Press ЈА
Seymour Lawrence Book. Though The
Legacy. a ch le of stock-market
intrigue, is Senior Editor Michael Lau-
rence’s first PLAYBOY story, he's far from
a stranger to these pages. His two arti
cles on finance—Playboy Plays the Com-
moditics Market and Beating Inflation:
u Playboy Primer—have won him wide
pr nd former, the Univer
necticut’s coveted G. М. Locb
ward for 1968, give
hed writing on
ce and business.”

Two tales with a psychological bent—
one serious. the other sardonic—are Col-
orless in Limestone Caverns by the late
Allan Scager and How Does That Make
You Feel? by Jeffery Hudson, the pscu-
donym of an American scientist’ who
currently lives in London. Hudson's re-
cently published novel. 4 Case of Need,
September Literary Guild selec-
and A&M Productions has pur-
ed the film rights,

More planks in rLaywoy’s November
entertainment platform (uncontested, we
might add): Theater of the Nude, How-
l Junkers front-row review of the
takeitofl trend. complete with photo-
graphic documentation, that has resus-
citated New York's stage; Skiing: from A
to V, a timely appraisal of Aspen and
Vail America's jetset snow capitals, by
Travel Editor Len Deighton: Mad Ave
Unclad, an unbuttoned. pictor tire
inspired by a selection of. popular and
contemporary advertising campaigns; an
суеп visit with one of Califor-
's favorite daughters, Playmate Paige
nd games that make for
nifty Christmas gifties in Adult Toys;

Fashion Director Robert L. Green's fur-
out showcasing of the Great Greatcont;
and Food and Drink Editor Thomas
Mario's tasteful orientation course in
Scruiable Japanese Fare. Climb aboard
the rravsoy band wagon!

was

tion,
ch.

p.

1

SHERRILL

EHRICKE

LAURENCE

Hii

vol. 15, no, 11—november, 1968

PLAYBOY.

Electronic Eleclorate

Nude Theater

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CONTENTS FOR THE MEN’S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE

PLAYBILL. те = z z 5 oH
DEAR PLAYBOY. 2 ones nas —

PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS жа сыс С)
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR = °з
THE PLAYBOY РОВОМ... я Ра 69
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: DON RICKLES—candid conversation. 75

A FAIR FESTIVITY—fiction J. P. DONIEAVY 92
ASTROPOLIS: THE FIRST SPACE RESORT —future living... КВАНТ A. EHRICKE 96
THEATER OF THE NUDE—pictorial essay ...... c .HOWARD JUNKER 99
SKIING: FROM A TO V—trovol._. Е IEN DEIGHTON 106
COLORLESS IN LIMESTONE CAVERNS—! — AILAN SEAGER 109
PERSONALITY BY PRESCRIPTION—ariicle. ...... ERNEST HAVEMANN 110
GREAT GREATCOAT—atire eee ROBERT 1. GREEN 113.
n. JEFFERY HUDSON 115

HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU ЕЕЕ1?—!

LIKE YOUNG — playboy's playmate of the month né
PLAYBOY'S PARTY 3ОКЕ5—һҺотог............................ эшш 124
THE REAL SECRET OF SANTA VITTORIA—arlicle ROBERT CRICHTON 126
ADULT TOYS— gifts. r - 129
THE LEGACY—fiction MICHAEL LAURENCE 135
MAD AVE UNCLAD—photo satire em Р = 137
THE BELL WITCH—ribald clossic.— - : - 149

W. D. JONES. 151
THOMAS MARIO 152
ROBERT SHERRILL 155

RIDING WITH BONNIE AND CLYDE—memoir
SCRUTABLE JAPANESE FARE—food -....
INSTANT ELECTORATE—orticte 1...
ON THE SCENE—personalities 1... ^ 166
THE DECISION— 5 JULES FEIFFER 201

HUGH м. HEFNER editor and publisher
A. с. SPECTORSKY associate publisher and editorial director
дитиши PAUL art director

JACK J. кєзє managing editor VINCENT Т. TAJIRI picture editor

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BUTLER, HENRY FENWICK, LAWRENCE LINDERNAN, ROBERT. J. SHEA, DAVID STEVENS, ROBERT
ANTON WILSON associate editors; ROBERT L. GREEN fashion director; DAVID TAYLOR
fashion editor; tex pEIGHTON travel. editor; REGINALD POYTERTON. travel reporter;
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ALAN RAVAGE, DAVID STANDISH, ROGER WIDENER, RAY WILLIAMS assistant editors; MEV
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assistants; MICHELLE. ALTMAN assistant cartoon editor; Jons wasto production
manager; ALLEN VARGO assistant production manager; PAT Arras Tights and per-
missions » HOWARD W. LEDERER advertising director; JULES KASE, JOSEPH GUENTHER
associate advertising managers; SHERMAN KEATS chicago advertising manager:
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DEAR PLAYBOY

[vp

IRREVERENT REVEREND
Congratulations on your August inter-
w with Yale chaplain William Sloane
Coffin. Once again, you have successful-
ly met the challenges of a disturbed
nation with journalism of import and
ency. Many laymen regard Mr. Coffin
treacherous and treasonable. The
terview should help greatly in clearing
up misconceptions about the purpose
and intent of men like him. Coffin was
presented in an entirely different and
much more reasonable light th:
been in short quips im the d
media. It is refreshing to find a realfir-
mation of both politics and religion in
the human understanding that Coffin
exhibits.

The Rev. John M. Imbler
Selective Service and Volunteer
Programs Coordinator
Indiana Council of Churches
Indianapolis, Indiana

That was ап awesome and inspi
ll interview with William Sloane
lly conserva
en by his views—

e with

Thongh Pm nor
praise, I was totally ta
especially on the Vietnam situation—and
by his other humanitarian commitments.
1 sincerely hope that the Federal charges
inst him will ultimately be dropped,
order that he may continue to live
freely and practice his con
Ann Glover
Baltimore, Maryland

It is a long time since I have been as
deeply moved as I was by the Playboy
Inte William Sloane Coffin.
‘The interviewer's questions and Collin's
replies merit high praise from both a jour-
nalistic and a theological point of view.

As the Michigan student stated, “We
don't need a whole lot of Reverend
Coffins. But we do need at least one.”
Perhaps Bill Goffin must remain a mem
ber of the creative minority, but 1 would
like to ste many more of his intelli-
gence, courage and commitment to
what is truly the witness of the Chris-
th in our time. We need Bill
Coffins on the campuses, in the pulpits,
the halls of Congress and on our streets,
mingling with the great forgotten masses.

view with

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Bill gives the authentic witness, and stu-
dents and the common people he
gladly. As who has some respon-
sibility for the employment of men in
the Christian ministry, I can say that if
Bill ever tires of his present pos
Yale, there will be beckoning opportun:
ties in the nation’s capital.

John Wesley Lord, Bishop

The Methodist Church

Washington, D.C.

him

onc

Your interview with William Sloane
Coffin is a great journalistic service. The
communications media have contented
themselves, for the most part, with the
creation of capsule images of Cofhi
other public figures, thereby allowing
people to make instant value judg-
ments without the fuss and bother of
thought. Your interviews always manage
to get behind the images and reveal
something of how the interviewee really
thinks. For many of your readers, this
will be their first real contact with Yale's
controversial chaplain. I found Coffin re-
yealed as a brilli
sensitive man. Coffin is a patriot. He is the
best sort of patriot because he recognizes
that freedom is indistinguishable from the
responsibility to think and to be sensi-
tive and responsive to what is happen-
ing all around you. The flag-wavers who
accuse Coffin of “treason” don't know
what freedom is all about.

Peter D. Wolfe
South Boston, Massachusetts

and

aurdinarily

Ive been familiar with Wi
Coffin’s reasoning for some time, since I
count him among my close friends. But
it is most helpful for a periodical like
PLAYBOY to do reful
lengthy interview so that his views can
be read in depth by a wider audience
So often material out of context is
misunderstood.

My own leeling about Bill is that
he has never for a moment strayed

am

such a and

from his vocation as a minister. He takes

his profession very seriously, particularly
his special vocation with young people.
There arc few clergymen on the cam-
puses of America who command the

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respect he does. Since young, people аге
particularly sensitive to anyone who is a
phony, I think this testifies to his integ-
rity more than anything celse. It's hard
for some older alumni of Y; nd other
institutions—to understand the present
climate; but, as а Yale alumnus and
one who has a son there, I feel that
Coffin is one of the most important
people on the campus today, and onc
who is responsible in a large way for the
relatively good communication among
the faculty, students and administration
that exists there. growing
vitality but still rem sane

ale—

Yale is

nd
orderly place. Coffin certainly has had a

as а

hand in this. Furthermore, as you prob-
ably know, he docs a great deal of work
with students on a personal basis. I've
often been at his house late in the eve-
ning when the doorbell has rung and a
student has come in to discuss a prob-
Jem. This is almost a normal procedure.
He's а good man, perhaps а great man,
and I respect rravsoy for doing such a
complete and careful interview with him.
The Re, Rev. Paul Moore, Jr.
Suffragan Bishop
Washington, D. C.

Coffin was correct in his comments on
law and order being imposed at the ex-
pense of justice. Fascism, in fact, сап be
defined as the rule of law and order at
the expense of justice. This protects the
iterests ol the wealthy and ruling classes,
who will attack any outside clement that
disturbs their income or their privileges.
Law and order is the protective agency
by which the few can manipulate and
intimidate the many. Fascists use the
word “freedom” to mean freedom to
maintain the position of the privileged.

R. L. Daniel
Santa Clara, California

How ironic that the best interview
ever to appear in pLaynoy should be
with a chaplain, But what a chaplain!
Congratulations to you and, particularly,
to interviewer Nat Hentoff, whose
sharp, penetrating questions brought out
Coffin's logic—and his compassion. I'm
heartened to know that someone as ob-
viously aware as Coffin has the courage
to put his body on the line—and risk
losing it for what he believes.

Frank Simons

George Washington University
Law School

Washington, D. C.

We share your sentiments, but can't
scc the irony; clergymen are frequent
contributors to our pages,

I was not at all surprised to find that
Coffin, like so many others, opposes the
dralt for the wrong reasons. In fact, I'm
left with the impression that he isn’t

really opposed to the draft in principle
but, rather, that he is opposed to it be-
cause of the Vietnam war. I oppose the
draft because it denies the individual the
most important right he has—the right
to his own life. A man, as long as he
does not infringe on the rights of others,
must be free to act, choose and function
in any way he sees fit, and not have to
worry about the state, the society or, more
ely, the gang seizing him in the
prime of life and sending him into a war
with which he may or may not agree. One
individual does not have the right to take
the life of another; and no number—l10
or 200,000,000—can acquire that right by
ganging up on one individual.
berals and conservatives alike insist
that it is an individual's y" to pro-
tect society. The draft is based on the
premise that the individual does not have
the right to exist for his own sake but,
rather, he must exist for the sake of the
state, Of course, since the state—that
artificial place where almost everyone
tries to live at the expense of everyone
else—is made up only of individuals,
this means that some of them must be
slaughtered for the sake of others.
Fighting for freedom with conscripted
soldiers, ic. den freedom to the
Y iduals who are fighting for it,
is a contradiction in terms. Abolish the
draft and you great deal of
the state's power to start wars. It is gov-
ernments that start wars, not individu-
Is. Individuals are only forced to fight
them.

асси

Роп Н. Fahrenkrug
Long Beach, California

I hope your interview with Coffin will
be as widely read as its relevance to
these demands. Coffin
practical thinker, rather than an idealist.
He is endowed with a rationality lacking
in the majority of his generation—or, i
not lacking, hidden behind unexercised
democracy. "Today's young can be proud
that they have the energy and the ini
tive to speak out against wrongs so deeply
embedded in American tradition. The
young, like Coffin, show ап honest con-
cern for (his nation, It must not be mis-
construcd as blind rebellion.

Philip Dylan James
Southampton, New York

times seems a

а-

My heartfelt thanks for your August
interview with Yale chaplain William
Sloane Coffin. Those of us who haye
actually been exposed, firsthand, to the
results of the American military pres-
ence here in Vietnam will understand—
perhaps a little more clearly than others
—the terrible truths in Coffin's words.
Certainly. no one could more deeply re-
gret the things that have been done
here in the name of freedom. We can

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only admire and respect the decision of
Coffin and many of our fellow Ameri-
cans to take ever cost
ainst this madness. We don't think
they are cowards—it takes опе hell of a
lot of guts to say no to the U. S. Army.
I think history will judge these men to be
the true heroes of the Vietnam war.
Jonathan P. Helms, U.S. M. C.
Pau Bai, Vietnam

stand, at wl

I appreciated very much your inter-
view with Coffin, I was glad to learn
just what he thinks. 7 think he is wrong.
and should be punished for his actions.
There was ome reference that really
fascinated me, and this was to thought
control. As a Methodist chaplain, 1 sce
all the publications of my Church. I am
sure that there are many among the
11,000,000 members of the United Meth-
odist Church who think that we should
ting in Vietnam. But you would
not be able to tell this from its publica-
tions. To whatever extent they influence
the thinking of their readers, this is sure-
ly thought control

Chaplain Kenneth A. Garner
U.S. Army
APO New York, New York

While Mr. Coffin is entitled to express
his personal opinion of a war in which
his country is involved, he may not law-
fully nor rightfully (in both the moral
and the legal senses)
others to deliberately refuse to serve the
country, whatever his motivation

Kingman Brewsteı statement that
there is little relevance between Coflin's
felonious conduct and. permanent tenure

cite or provoke

for him at Yale suggests the extent of
America’s problem in the academic com-
munity. As the Bible says, there is “a time
to weep, and a time to laugh
mourn, and a time to dana

time to

a time to

rend, and а time to sew; a time to keep
silence, and a time to speak." Intellectual
exchange should challenge ай those who
attend places of learning, but there ате
some things that are still best not done

or not said by those who are responsible
Tor training American youth. The Brew-
ster attitude makes me what
would be the reaction of those who find
themselves in а foxhole at Khe Sanh or
waist deep in а Mekong Delta swamp,
surrounded by Viet Cong.

At any rate, your interview wis interest-
ing and illuminating, althong
to project a pro-Coflin image

Representative Louis С, Wyman
U.S. House of Representatives
Washington, D. C.

wonder

h written

Tn his interview, William Sloane Cof-
fin mentions that when the Vi T
began resorting to terror, they eliminated
corrupt officials, thereby gaining the sup-

port of the people. Actually, there were

two kinds of officials assassinated under
the Viet Cong program: the corrupt and
inefficient, for the reason mentioncd;
and the honest and effective, because
they were gathering support for the Sai
gon government. That is the other side
of the coin, but, of course, not many
antiwar critics are turning coins over
these days.

John H. Hook
Arroyo Grande, California

With anger and disgust, I read your
August interview with William Sloane
Coffin. He and others like him comprise
the basic reason why this country finds
itself in а state of anarchy, where, unde:
the guise of "constitutional freedom.
Coffin and his followers can advocate
acts of treason.

Barry Pack
Birmingham, Alabama

Thanks to the arguments of respon-
sible men like the Reverend Goffin, I am
confident that my support for the U.S.
Government position in Vietnam, though
admittedly uncertain, is not prejudiced
by my repulsion for the irresponsible
love children, who offer nothing but vap-
id monotony. The bromidic formulas
suggested by Coffin are the same blind-
ly indignant, often unnecessarily critical
(and perhaps publicity-conscious) solu-
tions a ed by most of the unrea
sonin; r saints. Though I have
ucver ше Coffin, 1 feel qualified to re-
sent your characterization of him as
“wholly free of sel(-righteousness."

Jared Scharf
Oceanside, New York

Coffin'’s lo;

is rather like an old
pair of blueserge trousers: shiny but
full of holes. But even though I dis-
agree with Coffin, I thoroughly enjoyed
the interview

Paul J. DuPree

Am Forsthaus Gravenbruch, Germany

BOOK LOVER

Stephen Dixon's sardonic saga of The
Young Man Who Read Brilliant Books
(PLAYBOY, August) really turned me on
As a grad student in English—like
Dixon's reluctant hero—I've often won:
dered what the real prerequisi
for making it as a college professor.
Alter reading Dixon's story, 1 know: a
parttime summer job as a criminal.
What better way to learn how to cope
with departmental politics and stodgy

s are

administrations?
Jon Frederick
Baltimore, Maryland

++. LIKE A MALADY?

My thanks to William Iversen for
writing The Guismut Game (PLAYBOY,
August). The mass media's shtick of

lecring at peoples insides—in the
8 E

*T.M.G.C. Co, Inc.

Introducing Tiparillo LP
The long playing cigar

New Tiparillo* LP? Long on looks.
Long on pleasure. 165 mild millimeters.
How's that for a new record?

PLAYBOY

benighted name of “science,” of course—
has always sickened me. I'm glad that
someone has finally said something about
this grisly business and shown that ob-
scenity is in the eye (or, rather, the dam-
aged optic nerve) of the beholder.

David Glagovsky

APO New York, New York

deserves a Blue
inlectedly humer-
us exploration delightfully demonstrates
that the American public is,
sessed with gutsmut—while simultane-
ously rejecting the exposure of too much
sk*n. He will no doubt receive malig-
nant mail from fcverish readers—but two
aspirins and the latest Reader's Digest
account of “The Most Unforgettable
Malady I Ever Мег" should keep him
from suffering too much.

Crys Horwitz

Middletown, Connecticut

Iversen’s Gulsmut
that ha

the best thing

suffering, not only is a "sadomasochistic
„ visceral voyeur" but may even lack
true wholesomeness."

Richard K. Peterson
Davenport, lowa

DREAM PHOTOGRAPHY
You certainly have a winner in Staff
Photographer Alexas Urba. His work in
Dream Cars (PLAYBOY, August) was ex-
tremely impressive ће managed to cap-
ture the spirit of each of the avant-garde
autos. Аз a sometime photographer m
self, I admire his talent; and as a full-
time auto bull, I envy his getting so
dose to those beautiful. machines
Paul Somers
Minneapolis, Minnesota

‘The photographs in Dream Cars really
sing; and, combined with a very 4
tive layout, the whole thing is beautiful.
Congratulations

Milton D. West
Ford Motor Company
Dearborn,

nehru jackets &
c.p.o's are very NOW!

Fox Knapp's uninhibited Nehru
jackets and C.P.O/'s are tops on the
fashion scene. Fun to wear as match-
mates with your favorite girl.

happened to medicine this year.
I just wonder what the article would
have been had Iversen watched a recent PORPOISEFUL PRAISE
TV surgery show aired in Norway and My congratulations to Fred
Sweden. It not only showed real gushers pel for his well-written and inform
n heart surgery but zoomed the camera Deep Thinkers (ptaynoy, Augus). It
into a vagina for a closer look at a uter- w

14

At your favorite store or write Dept, C
FOX KNAPP MANUFACTURING CO,
1 West 34th Street, New York, N.Y. 10001

ine infection, Isn't science wonderful?
NEHRU JACKET (Above) K. Schackt
Shaped ond nect Oslo, Norway

with side vents,
slash pockets. I hope the gutsmut tendencies spread
аду о beyond television. news shows. Can't
Men's sizes S,M,L,XL, you see it?—Pancreas Junction, 1 Dream
Boys’ 10-20. of Jaundice, The Vaginian, What's My
CPO. (Below) Malady? and Tissues and Cancers. The
Acton eR SN possibilities are endless—and hardly
button flap pockets, more obscene than current TV fare.

navy anchor buttons. ieorge Meredith

In colorful plaids, New York, New York
hondsome solids. Warm. БЕ LEER ET.

blend of woolens. n 1
Men's sizes SML XL. Iversen is not compelled to seek out
Boys" 10-20. the weekly "Medicine" column in Time

magazine, nor is he required to read
Life past the cover. He does not have to
read the detailed surgical procedures or
stare at the full-color photographs. Many
people are interested, however, in what
affects their health, and many are not
generally well informed about current
medical procedures. National publ

tions perform a service by providing in-
formation that can increase the layman's
understanding of his body and of

medicine,
Sanford E. Leslie
Baltimore, Maryla

d

For years, rLayuoy has championed
the idea that the human body is not
gusting. Now comes а new concept: The
outside is fine and beautiful, but the
inside is a forbidden subject. We are
asked to believe that anyone interested
in the intricacies of living organisms, or
concerned with the attempts of the
al profession to alleviate human

a pleasure to read somcthing up to
с on dolphins (or porpoises. if you
prefer) without the usual dogma and
clichés. Few articles oriemed to the gen-
eral public have approached the ques-
tion of cetacean intelligence from both
sides while remaining objective.

I'd like to add one note on the sex life
of dolphins; When in captivity, many of
the higher vertebrates exhibit a marked
increase in sexuality. For noncaptive
dolphins, the basic necessities of staying
ive relegate sex to its proper perspec:
tive in nature. But in captivity, they no
longer must fight off predators, find

er conditions. This leaves a huge void in
daily activity that is partly filled by
sex, What appears to be promiscuity is

Niagara Falls, New York

Fredric С. Appel did an excellent re-
porting job in his piece on dolphins.
While presenting both sides of the
dolphin intelligence and language con-
troversy, he did not weight his presenta-
tion toward the spectacular—as so many
recent writers have done.

Our own work in dolphin sound emis-

sion has shown no evidence of a la
guage—but it docs show an excellent
system of communication and rapid as-
similation of new sound cues. It might be
well to point out that the 39 whistle
contours located by Dreher and Evans
represent. several. different dolphins, not
a single animal. We find that степе
animals have different whistles; no single

m

MOTORS CORPORATION

Plymouth

Road Runner 2-Door Hardtop

The 1969 Road Runner.
Theres still only one place to catch it.

If you want a high-performance car,
Road Runner is one car to think about.
This year, there are three Beep-Beeps.

A brand new convertible for 1969.

Road Runner hardtop.

As well as the great
original—our 2-door sport
coupe.

The Road Runner is a
real performer. But not
because it costs a lot of
money. It doesn't.

It comes, nevertheless, with 2 a dime
dard 383 cubic inch V-8. A 4-barrel car-
buretor. An unsilenced air cleaner. And
dual exhaust trumpets.

A 4-speed transmission with Hurst
Linkage. A high lift cam. And Red Streak
Wide Boots.

Options include a tachometer, and
our new 160-position driver's adjust-
able bucket seat that does everything a

power seat does. At roughly half the
cost. Another new option: functional
hood scoops, or “air grabbers.”

Now there is a larger, full-color Bird
on the deck lid, doors and
instrument panel, Plus a
new deluxe steering wheel
—with the Bird perched
right on the hub.

And this year's Road
Runner comes in eighteen
exterior colors.With broad
black "en stripes on the hood, optional.

Pity the poor coyote.

If Road Runner doesn't baffle him with
numbers, he surely will with plumage.

“Веер-Веер!”

You сап catch the Road Runner. At
your local Plymouth
Dealer's. That's the
place, and 1969's
the time to...

Look what Plymouths up to now.

PLAYBOY

GARY PUCKETT &
THE UNION GAP

e:

BOOKENDS
IMON & GARFUNKEL

elutes Zn,

Spar, mies haee;
кз ete,

зот Ры: Water
we Sur aar

TheSth Dimension
UP, UP AND AWAY

JOHNNY CASH
AT FOLSOM PRISON

۴ ч
вале jome sines Falcom Pei
arier), ie aly ete

Ea? кз Yati We
Love Yas, ete.

HERBIE MANN
Glory of Love

appassionata
Pathetique

EEE ET 7

uon
Mee
pe

к

HOROWITZ
ON TELEVISION

GOLDEN HTS OF
SMOTHERS BROTHERS

THE DAVE BRUBECK
QUARTET

190 CBS Direct Marketing Services 680/F68

фт"

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17

PLAYBOY

After a shower.
After a shave.

Whenever you need a lift.
Splash on some 4711.

The refreshant cologne.
Made to keep you cool.

ПА. The Refreshant Cologne.

Made, bottled and sealed in Cologne —the city of 4711. Also available in Canada.
18 оњ Sele Distributor: Celenio, Ine., 41 Eost 42nd Sireet, Naw York, N.Y. 10017.

dolphin, however, has been shown to
have an unconditioned vocabulary of
32 whistles. The normal amount for an
unconditioned animal is one, two or pos-
sibly three, with one primary whistle that
is occasionally supplemented in those

irector
rineland Research Laboratory
St. Augustine, Florida

Well, what a lovely article. I certainly
admire the up-to-date information and
the balanced approach to the question
of porpoise intelligence and its potential
usefulness to man.

Mrs. Taylor A. Pryor, Curator
Sea Life Park
Oahu, Hawaii

Like most European research work-
ers, I must admit being wary of journ:
ists—but f was agreeably surprised by
the high quality of Fredric Appel’s arti
cle. Without trying to appeal to the
tastic, he makes an extensive review of
the question of porpoise behavior, stick-

to sound evidence. An excellent
iew of a difficult question—and heart-
g to find it in a journal that we
consider, perhaps unrightly, to be more
devoted to sex than to science. Not that
I have anything to sav against sex.

R. G. Bunsel, Director
Tahorataire TY Aconistique. Animale
Jouy-en-Josas, Fr

Cooperation with dolphins is all very
well—but would you want your sister to
marty one?

Don Robertson

Arlington. Heights, Illinois

COMIC CONTRAPTION
Ron Goularts The Trouble with Ma-
chines in the August PLAYEOY was the
funniest piece of oddball science fiction
I've read in quite a while. It was a fine
spoof on corporate infighting; and N
imo—the sensitive, surly robot refriger-
ator—came off as а truly cool character.
Goulart has a great imagi
Herb Anderson
New York, New York

BANK INTEREST
Joseph Wechsberg's article оп Swiss
banking in the August PLAYBOY was just
great. If your economic reporting keeps
resulting in pieces as fine as Banking by
the Numbers, publications such as Busi-
ness Week and The Wall Street Journal
had better take note. There is compe-
tition from a new source.
Samuel Sax, President
«change National Bank of Chicago
icago. Illinoi

Cl

Joseph Wechsberg and I “debuted”
in the same Prague newspaper in the
late Twenties, He became a violinist in

A
fes

AA

Y

Ü

STA

y ru
ЖҮ

Guess who I saw with P. J. last night?

Practically everybody. Paul Jones is great with people.
It's the rich whiskey with a different flavor: robust,
yet light and smooth. Just right for the whole crowd.
Priced right, too.

P.J. is Paul Jones. And smooth.

Blended Whiskey, 80 Proof, 7214% Grain neutral spirits, Paul Jones Distilling Co., Louisville, Kentucky

PLAYBOY

20

You cant bu
abetter vodka
orlove nor rubles.

GilbéysVodka

NOVA, 0 PROOF. шэн.

The look of Corbin:
now in sport jackets as well as trousers.

We tailored our new sport jackets in the same distinctive.
manner that has made our trousers a tradition in fine clothing.

Distinctive quality. Distinctive fit. And. naturally. distinctive
patterns. colourings. and fabrics from England and Scotland.
See them, along with our new trouser collection,
at fine stores everywhere.

Sport Jackets: from $70.00.
Trousers: from $22.50,
(Ladies' slacks also available.)

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Please write for a listing of the fine stores that feature the Corbin look

the orchestra of a French steamer n
gating between Marseilles and Saigon; I,
at the time, was a little financial journal-
ist in Paris. Since then, things have
changed. As the author of The 2
bered Account—which, I am told, is the
Most expensive of paperbacks, selling at
$30 for 60 pages—I fect qualified to
comment on Wechsberp's article. In a
word, it is brilliant—and absolutely
correct.

ит-

Franz Pick, Publisher
Pick's World Currency Report
New York, New York
Dr. Pick is generally recognized as
one of the world's foremost experts in
international currencies,

As a former Swiss, I would like to
point out that the law of bank secrecy—
adopted by the Swiss National Council
several decades ago—stems from the Swiss
conviction that the state has no right to
put its nose into personal affairs. This
attitude would help many people around
the whole world and certainly those un-
der different political systems. I would
also like to mention that if you want to
hide something from the IRS. you can
easily rent a sale-deposit box here or in
Canada, under a fictitious name. This
would solve your problem and could
possibly be cheaper, since in Switzerland
—on some accounts—people have to pay
the bank a fee for keeping their money.
Victor J. Kricg
Mamaroneck, New York

1 was pleased to read Wechsberg's
article about the Swiss banking system
My own contact with this system oc
curred after World War Two. The Greek
government of 1945 inherited a bankrupt
nation, and some means of raising funds
had to be designed. Instead of floating a
public bond issue, it decided to tax Greck
funds overseas. The government wrote to
all foreign powers where Grecks were
known investors, asking for a list of
Greek depositors and the amou ach
account, The only banks that refused to
divulge the names and nationalities of
their investors were the Swiss banks. All
others—including American banks—com-
plied.

n

Spiro M. Capo d'Itvia.
San Francisco, California

HIP STRIPPERS
The August Playboy After Hours item
on ecdysiasts with timely monikers—The
Gaza Stripper, Joanie Caron, Rowna
n, Thoroughly Naked Millie, Saka-
verlooked. one of the best: Sibyl

шпі

Rights.
George Fricdman

Brooklyn, New York

She could share billing with Rachel

Equality.

They say youth isout
to change the world.

Well take it from us,
they've already changed
the cigar business.

I you think you've noticed down cigars look better with slimmed- are simply more casual.

that cigars are getting slimmer these down clothes. We don't really know. But these
days, it isn’t your imagination at work. Maybe it’s because slim cigars gentlemen just may be on to something.
It's today's younger smokers at work. are easier to carry around. Maybe you ought to see what

Maybe it's because slimmed- Maybe it’s because slim cigars it's all about. The Cigar Institute

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PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS

ys been inordinately fond
WS figures—both the statistical and
the female varieties. Large numbers рис
us off in grammar school, as did girls;
but in the intervening years, we've man-
aged to reach а happy accord with both.
We don't intend to detail here the intri-
cacies of our introduction to the won-
derful world of women, but how we
won the battle of large numbers may
prove instructive, The basic fact about
large numbers is that they are large—too
large to comprehend. The road to under-
standing is to reduce them to. smaller,
more comprehensible units. For in-
stance: The U.S. is spending about 30
billion dollars a year in Vietnam, Thirty
billion 15 too large a number lor most of
us to grasp, which may be one reason so
many Americans are perplexed about the
war. An easier way to look at it is to think
that the war is costing each American
taxpayer $422.58 per year. An equally en
lightening—and less painful—approach
is to think that if the 30 billion dol-
lars were divided equally among the
16,000,000 South Vietnamese whose free-
dom we daim we're defending, these
unfortunate folks would have the highest
per-capita income in the world.

In this vein, when we recenuy read
that the free world produces a billion
dollars’ worth of gold each year (in
terms of gold production, at least, South
Africa is included in the free world), we
ran, rather than walked, to our nearest
abacus, A billion in bullion, it turns
ош, is only 1000 tons, which could be
stored in а room 40 feet square. And
while we were pondering the insignifi-
cance of a billion in bullion, a newspaper

ping crossed our desk, prodaiming
that the entire population of the U.S.
could live comfortably in the state of
Florida—and that the entire popula-
tion of the world could live in Texas
without too much crowding. Having al-
ways thought that the population explo-
sion was about to detonate, we went
to our slide rule to determine how
much space the world’s teeming masses
would take up if a little crowding were

lowed. Assuming there are four bil
people in the world, and assuming that
cach of them takes up a bit less than
five cubic feet, then the entire popula-
tion of this planet, incredibly enough,
could be fitted into a cube one half mile
square. The final solution to our popu-
lation problem (and to the war in
Vietnam) could then be attained—by
fastening that 40-foot gold brick to the
people cube and pushing the whole thing
into the ocean.

Our Loser of the Month Award goes
to Giuseppe Russo of Caracas, Venezuel
Taking the day off for an outing, Russo
parked his car to go for a swim. While

he splashed in the surf, somebody made
oft with his auto—taking both his clothes
and his wallet in the process. The hap-
less gentleman then went to a public
bath and showered before calling the
police; someone else stole his bathing
suit. He was calling for help from the
door of the bathhouse when a sharp-cyed
cop spotted him—and promptly arrested
him for indecent exposure.

Poring over some texts on the earlier
decades of this century, in search of en-
lightening perspective on rightist anti-
intellectualism and its attack on higher
education, we came across the following
curmudgeonly comments concerning the
academic profession. "Whenever the
Cause of the people is entrusted 10 pro-
fessors it is lost.” And “Red professors
are frequently distinguished from the
old reactionary professors, not by a
firmer backbone, but by a profounder
illiteracy.” "The authors of these crusty
quotes, in order of appearance, are
those two right-wing nuts Nikolai Lenin
and Leon Trotsky.

It's wonderfully uplifting to learn that
the Lovable Company, a bra manufac-
turer, is sponsoring a national brassiere-
designing contest, open to all U.S.
engineering students. Results aren't in
yet, but the company has asked entrants

to accompany their prototypes with "sup-
portive engineering-design calculations,
which may range from slide-rule compu-
tations to elaborate studies employing
digital-computer methods" — Lovable’s
chairman. Arthur Garson, was quoted in
The Wall Street Journal as declaring that
"the properties of the bust are unusual—
and unlike those of most engineering ma-
terials.” Designing a strapless bra or one
for an unusually well-endowed girl, he
said. “is a great engineering feat in itself."
The contest rules inform prospective en-
trants that in bra design, “the factors of

safety are based upon uncertainties in the
stress disuibution, uncertainties in ma-
terial properties, as well as the static or
moving nature of the loi Ficld
testing is not mentioned.

Onward Ecumenism: We were en-
couraged to read in the London Times
that "Roman Catholic morality is not
opposed to heart transplants as long as
there is ‘absolute certainty of conscience"
that the doctor is dead.”

Sign of the Times Department, Lexi-
cography Division: In Webster's Scucnth
New Collegiate Dictionary, self-described
as “completely new for school, home and
office," the second listed definition of
“conversation” is “sexual intercourse

The New York Post reports this sign
of the times spotted on a Fun City gar
bage truck: WE CATER HIPPIE PARTIES.

Like most municipalities, Culver City,
Calilornia, allows suspects under arrest
to use the telephone at
Following the custom, a police deputy
guarding an apprehended burg!ar hand-
ed over the instrument to his prisoner—
and learned about an ingenious new use
for Mr. Bell's gadget: The crook promptly
bopped him on the head with it and
escaped.

least once.

Kosher karma? A Tucson, Arizona.
talent promoter who heard there was
big money to be made in booking sitar

23

Meng tic ©1928 by Пе ума, Brown A Henderson, inc. Copyright галан, umd by perninaios,

players, reports Variety, wired a West
Coast agency asking for terms on a certain
Rabbi Shan!

An excerpt from a bulletin issued by
the Brussels office of the United States
Information Service makes it plain that
Uncle Sam needs to take a new look at
his aggressive foreign policy: “It must
not be assumed the preliminary reports
and debates were unprofitable. On the
contrary, they clarified issues and pro-
vided governments with a wealth of
considerations useful toward reaching
substantive convulsions."

Sins of the Fathers Department: "Ehe
TV schedule in one Midwestern dai
described the movie Weekend with Fa
ther thusly: "Widowers decide to тату,
but their children's reactions leave some-
thing to be desired.

Even the supcrpauriots are selling out.
A friend of ours in Rochester, New
York, spotted two BUY AMERICAN bumper
stickers in а single afternoon: one on a
Volkswagen, the other on a Toyota.

Sexual Revolution, Youth Corps Divi-
sion: National Boy Scout headquarters
has announced that a program is under
consideration to admit teenage girls to
the Scouts’ exploring program.

We're sorry we missed what turned
out to be a lively ship launching, as
described in the Chicago Daily News
“When Lady Erskin smashed the iradi-
tional bottle of champagne against the
hull of the giant oil tanker, she slipped

Button up your overcoat down the way, gained speed, rocketed
whenthe wind is free. into the water in a gigantic spray and

rontinued unchecked toward Queen's
Take good care of your cold. Tae а
You belong tome, Roger.

The Riverside Book and Bible House
of Iowa Falls, Iowa, has just come out
with the perfect gift for a jittery GI оп
his way to Vietnam: a new volume
called the Serviceman’s New Testament
and Psalms. Should the recruit not find
sufficient solace in the contents, he can
always station the book—bound in
auge steel plate"—over a vital part of

body.

David Frost, the British humorist,
whose favorite pastime is needling his
countrymen, opined in a recent issue of
Saturday Review that there's no hope
for a nation where, at a certain girls’
school, a sign warns the students not to
wear shiny patentleather shoes when
they go out, because their wee undies
might be reflected in the toes.

The sooner your cold gets it the better. , "This month's Most Cr
At your pharmacy. tion to National Beaut
[УР

goes to the author of the following

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PLAYBOY

26

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grafto spotted on a wall in Washing
ton, D.C.: KEEP YOUR CITY CLEAN, EAT
^ PIGEON.

Peace Corps volunteers at the Univer-
sity of аъ Davis campus are
receiving instructions that should go far
in promoting mutual understanding with
the natives. The San Bernardino Daily
Sun reported that nine months of gradu-
ate study were being olfered, “including
one month of offensive language train.

Guess what gourmet delight is mot
listed under spécialités de la maison at
New York's justly famed restaurant La
Grenouille? Frog Legs—the name of the
restaurant. meaning "frog" in French, of
course.

BOOKS

“First, it’s neither a collection nor a
selection, but a series" states John
Barth in an author's note in Lost
the Funhouse (Doubleday). Further prefa
tory material defines the book as “fiction
for print, tape, live voice.” An author is
entitled to his own baptismal notions,
d if Barth seems „ he can well
afford the attitude. He's leading from
strength, and he knows it. Call this book
what one will, there are 14 titles in all,
varying in length from less than a dozen
words to the near-novella-size Menelaiad.
а rambling, free-associational version of
the world’s most famous tale of cuckoldry
and abduction. These arc pretty wine
dark waters for the reader who doesn't
happen to have Stesichorus’ theory about
Helen as dramatized by Euripides right
at his finger tips. When he isn’t imundat
ing us with his classical learning, though,
Barth is impressive—with a real style of
his own, real imagination and the nerve
to use them both, In Night-Sea Journey,
he endows a spermatozoon with poetic
consciousness. Petition is a masterpiece of
grotesquerie in the form of a letter ad-
dressed to His Most Gracious Majesty
Prajadhipok, Descendent of Buddha, ctc.,
en of Siam. The writer of the let.
ter is one twin of a joined pair, and he
implores his Majesty to prevail upon
American surgeons to perform the dan-
gerous operation of severance. The style
is fastidious; the contents are ghastly; the
whole is a symbol of that other self we all
bear. Barth's “Ambrose” stories, of which
there several in this book, could be
read as typical boyhood tales, except for
his ironic reach. Yet, one can see a gen-
uine tear behind the incredible array of
ks he is capable of assuming: "He
wishes he had never entered the fun-
house. But he has. Then he wishes he
were dead. But he's not. Therefore he
will construct funliouses for others and
be their secret operator—though he
would rather be zmong the lovers for
whom funhouses are designed." Not only

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the heartfelt cry of the character in the
story but a possible announcement of
Barth's artistic philosophy. Yet he escapes
definition, for behind each conceit is a
profundity; behind cach profundity, a
snicker. And sometimes he indulges him-
self in tiresome trickery, then suddenly
admits his own tiresomeness. Lost m the
Funhouse, therefore, isn't all pure enjoy.
ment; the reader has to dig. But the
digging produces ore from one of the
richest veins in American literature.
With the publication of The Sexual
lemess (McKay), Vance Packard fol-
lows in the wake of a score of writers
who in recent years have concerned
themselves with the changing ways of
men and maids in the gente art of dal-
liance. Packard spent four years on the
project, which may be a tribute to his
conscientiousness but which also con-
tributes to the book's greatest failings.
By uying to take in everything (se
love, marriage, working mothers, child
care, sexual ident social roles) and
hy piling one research report on top of
another, Packard packs himself up in his
material. Lacking any original point of
view, he spends most of his time back-
ing and filling, and his summings up
tend 10 be so general as to be near mean-
ingless. After a cha
nature, he writes:
fulfillment of our potentialities would
seem to lie in tl ection of working
for a world in which males and females
are equal as people and complementary
as sexual beings.” A second unfortunate
consequence of Packard's hyperdi
is that all work and no play makes Vance
a dull boy. Bowed by statistics and cm-
pirical evidence, he transforms the mat-
ing dance into a parade of the wooden
soldiers. In The Sexual Wilderness, Pack-
ard tells а reader about problems he
didn't even know he had—in order to
tell him not to worry about them,
rom a story of marriage between a
Jew and a Japanese, both members of
fiercely inbred cultures, one would ex-
pect rich permutitions—and опе gets
them in Josh Greenfeld’s sensitive, intel-
lig first novel, О, for a Master of Magic
(World). The tale, a switch on Majority
of One, is told in first-person diary form.
The narrator is the male half of the
Jewish-Japanese marriage. Regarding
themselves as citizens of the world, the
pair saw no impediment to a wedding of
like minds. His mother's sole comment on
meeting her prospective daughter aw
was that shed been seeing Japanese
people all her life, only she thought they
were Chinese. Acceptance comes, too,
when the married couple moves to the
bride's country and takes up residence in
suburb of Kyoto, in a jerry-built house
where the roof leaks and the floor sags.
"The Japan Greenfeld tells us about is a
nation with its kimonos down: “Sunday

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PLAYBOY

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day inspection of detailed du all
obligations ccasc, all bets are 0! The
Japanese, he writes, are "an inconsid-
crate self-indulgent bunch of slobs"—but
“they be so considerate . . . so
lovely . . . so touching. . . ." There's
nothing very esoteric about the trouble
that develops in this East-West ma
riage. The marital debilities and str;
are recognizable oncs, like boredom
and the sexual itch. True, the Japanese
woman is more subservient than her
Western counterpart; but according to
author Greenfeld, this only makes her
dream stronger dreams. In its discursive
manner, the story wends its way toward
one such dream that is memorably erotic.
But Grecnfeld's novel succeeds in the
palpably way that is possible only
when the writer has his eye on his art
and not on the keyhole.

As а White-Heired Lover
House), poet Karl Shapiro sheds his ac-
customed gloomy mask and becomes a
ate jester. The spectacle is often

occasionally embarrassing. His is a fear-
ful joy, the joy of an aging man who
perceives ies but doubts
his ca ties. “There that Roman
poet who fell in love at Шын
God, Venus, goddess of love, he cried,/
Venus, for Christsake, for the love of
God,/Don't do that to mce!/. . . How
do you know I can get it up!" Well,
that's the plot. It is resolved later, in an.
irreverent apostrophe called Now Christ
15 Risen. Neither the metaphor nor the
pocr's pleasure that he сап usc it are in
doubt. “Now Christ is risen in his Freud-
ian hat/And Nature's gussied up with
palms of gilt/And 1 myself ha

and all that,/I stand in Parad
will not wilt. .. ." Shapiro has wi
about paradise before, but always about
the sort onc loses and can never reg
In ddam and Eve, written about two
decades ago, Shapiro sums up life for
those exiled from Eden: “And it was
autumn, and the present world." Now,
miraculously (for Christsake!), it’s spring-
time again and Shapiro is back in the
garden singing delightedly and twisting
the serpent’s tail. Sometimes his ar
sccm a bit excessive, but onc must make
allowances for youth, even the second
time around.

The Beatles, the Real Story (Putnam), by
Julius Fast, and The Beatles, the Author
ized Biography (McGraw-Hill), by Hunter
Davies, set out to do much the same
job—to delineate cach Beatle, trace the
group's carcer and provide some inter
pretation of their personal pleasures,
their hang-ups and their musical accom-
plishments; and both books have much
the same set of facts and basic structure
forced upon them by the nature of the

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PLAYBOY

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project. Yet one is far superior to the
other in every way. Julius Раз Real
Story is barely a couple of cuts above
rouline "celebrity personality" stuff. It
reads as if it had been pieced together
from thousands of newspaper and maga-
zine clippings. Hunter Davies’ book, on
the other hand, vibrates with reality and
immediacy. And no wonder; for the
British novelist and scenarist had the
cooperation of John, Paul, George and
Ringo. along with their wives. parents,

tes. com;
memori and observations to
aw upon, Davies has produced a sur-
prisingly insightful, illuminating and ob-
jective book. Normally, one suspects an
authorized" biography to be cither a
pacan or a whitewash; this one tries for
objectivity; it raises dificult questions
and often comes up with not altogether
pleasant answers. Adroitly counterpoint-
ing the facts of the Beatles private
lives with their professional struggles,
progress and ultimate success Davies
probes the ds beneath the hairdos,
the hearts beneath the costumes. The
book is filled with striking journalistic
set pieces: the Beatles’ early experiences
playing 12 hours a night, every night,
a small night club; the efforts of their
late manager, Brian in, to get them
pical songwrit-
an almost
stream-of-consciousness appraisal. by each
Beatle, of his own life, his relations
with the group and his thoughts on the
future. One leaves Davics’ Beatles м
a new respect for these young-old, happy-
sad men, tinged with pity, perhaps—
and with some wonder at the durability
of their remarkable symbiosis.

The hero of Elliott Baker"
Wars (Putnam), Tyler
alecky, sensitive chap-off-the-
a teenager who only wants
id and change the world.” His n
the world of 1939 from a worm's-eye
view: a lowermiddleclass existence in
U New York. At first, the novel
seems merely episodic, typical period
nostalgia: There is a Major Bowes
Amateur Hour a jon; a funeral with a
dearth of pallbearers; a comical German
Jewish refugee dentist who romances
‘Tyler's mother; Tyler's own foredoomed
attempt to make it with a basketball-
playing baby sitter with a Betty Boop
mouth; a high school teacher forever
g tough students to meet
him in the gym alter class; and the
powerful black student who is duped
into accepting that challenge. Yet all of
these episodes, on the surface rosy and
lighthearted, arc strung together to fori
a noose of black humor. For author Bak-
er, as his previous novel A Fine Mad-
ness showed, has the knack of changing.
his pace abruptly and dramatically, of
turning the comically outrageous into

The Penny

the tragically absurd. In this novel’s last
scene, Tyler Bishop savagely comes of
age as Baker suddenly converts a luke-
warm world of nostalgia into the chilling
world of reality.

For almost half of its length, The
New Immerality (Doubleday) presents fic-
tionalized case historics that chronicle
the twisted sex lives of five couples,
complete with a box score on their
orgasms, wifeswapping activities and
sundry other erotic matters—only to
turn, at chapter four, into a sober, sensi-
stimulating analysis of sexual moral-
is country today. Author Brooks
Iker, a Unitarian minister, is not
writing a diatribe against an American-
made Sodom and Gomorrah. On the
contrary. his calm acceptance of various
sex practices puts him closer to the
views of Albert Ellis. His real concern is
with the evolution of sexual standards;
and in this book, written with the assist-
ance of his wife, Sandra, he attempts to
put into perspective three major ver-
sions of what has been called the
new morality. He examines “Toward a
Quaker View of Sex,” a pamphlet is
sued by British members of the Society
of Friends, and the situation-ethics move-
ment of Professor Joseph Fletcher. Walk-
er also treats in detail The Playboy
Philosophy —"an approach to life which
finds its first expression in the rrAvnov
editorials but ends as what may casily
prove to be the most pervasive doctrine
of man offered to Americans in the third.
quarter of the 20th Century." For Walk-
er, The Playboy Philosophy is fine as far
as it goes—but it fails to go far enough.
He sees it as "the working doctrine ol
new religion" that has not yet defined.
the end toward which it is directed: the
sense of God that transcends the self.
‘This involves that sticky word love, and
Walker writes: “Tt is only when one be-
comes more concerned about the well-
being of others than with one’s own that
one may find himself." Readers who are
wise enough to start this book with
chapter four will not find answers to
their questions about sexual. morality—
but they may find the right questions.

Right off the bat—with the English
nurse and the housemaid expected in
Rome on Monday, and with the sun
shining "gold-brown оп the ex of
parquet floor, in room after room," we
know that Muriel Spark has written an-
other novel of arrangements. The Public
Image (Knopf) is a smooth slice of non-
life in which all the characters arrange
their days so as to serve some entirely
unfelt need. Annabel Christopher, the
lusterless protagonist, is a screen actress
edging nervously toward stardom, Her
husband, Frederick, is a somber scenar-
ist with intellectual pretensions. He
longs to leave Annabel, that “beautiful
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PLAYBOY

36

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held," but somehow he has become
locked into her public image. “She was
presented . . . as every man's perfect
wife, with her composed and conven-
tional appearance." But "It was decid-
edly understood . . . that in private

and particularly in bed, Annabel
Christopher . . . let rip." Ultimately,
however, Frederick docs leave her, by
means of a carefully contrived suicide
calculated to shatter her precious public
image. To buttress the melodrama
there's usually a baby (Annabel's) соо;
in the back bedroom and a blackmailer
lurking in the front parlor. Miss Spark
describes all these improbable goings on
in a kind of prose whisper, as if the plot
embarrasses her. It should.

When the author of a travel book
adopts the nom de plume “Roger St.
h in O'Toole,” his readers
more than the ordinary Baedek
information. In A Steg at large (Мас
millan). O'Toole does not disappoint
them. Indeed, he puts his O'pseudonym
to far busier and better use than his
camera or his money converter. Alleged-
ly a former university professor and (un-
der his rightful name) the author of more
conventional guidebooks, O'Toole sets
out on a globe-girdling (and ungirdling)
expedition that proves to be a trip
around the world in more ways than
onc. His seatmate en route to Tokyo
turns out to be Diana, a cool blonde
Englishwoman whose ploy is the pub-
lic hemming of lace on her pink-silk
panties. a recurrent. theme, Diana
and her pantics keep turning up cvery-
where O'Toole turns—which, for the
most part, means the fleshier Heshpots of
the Orient. Solely in the interests of re-
search, he visits gi urs in Tokyo. co

Th

a private orgy at Formosa’s bachelor
paradise of Peitou, the sexual sculptures
of Indias Khajuraho, the nudist
colony on Frances Ile du Levant. Un-
like most travel guides, which make
veiled references to the naughty night
(or day) life available to the more ad-
venturous tourist, O Toole plunges into
his subject to the full, sampling the de-
lights himself in order to advise his
readers on such vital matters as how to
order a proper orgy for six and which
hhouses do more than scrub backs
He has also devised some characters and
situations that strain credulity; but if
one can overlook these as a bachelor's
tall tales, the book packages a surpris-
ingly large amount of hedonistically use-
ful information in a pleasantly light
style.

“Once upon a time there will be a
little girl called Uncumber." So starts А
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which is told in the future tense,
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horror story. In this world of the future,
there are two classes of people, insiders
and outsiders, The insiders live in win-
dowless houses completely sealed off from.
the world, with all necessities, luxuries
and social lile piped in through wires
or materializing in three-dimensional rep-
resentations over the "holovision." The
insiders go nude in the controlled air of
their sealed houses, but they wear sun-
glasses to hide their naked eyes from one
another. They take pills to make them
feel calm, intelligent, amused. The out-
siders live in despair and filth, the sun
dimmed by waste matter given off from
satellite cities that orbit the earth: the
rth itself is a clutter of refuse dotted
ith jet airports and ramshackle dwell-
gs. Amid all this, Uncumber is the
asic rebel. who, unlike her docile
Sulpice, cannot abide the world
of inside and secks the outside, only to
find after long and horrendous adven-
tures that she cannot abide that either.
Her odyssey, unfortunately, will occa-
sionally grow ating for the reader
as it does for Uncumber herself, and there
will be times when he finds himself wish-
g for an Orwellian tranquilizer to
soothe his nerves. But when he finishes,
he will probably feel that the trip
worth it, for Mr. Frayn. а stylist of dis
tion, has painted an effectively terrify-
g picture of the world of the future—
а world far too close for comfort to the
one in which we currently live.

И man were to look directly into the
face of modern war, his soul would tum
to stone; like Perseus, he can confront
c Medusa only by holding a mirror to
its horrid features. In Jerzy Kosinski's
The Painted Bird. the evils of Nazism
were reflected in the voyage of terror of
an abandoned child. suspected of bi
Jewish, who fled from village to
village in eastern Europe from 19
1945, his spirit buffeted as a feather in a
hurricane; yet his will survived, as tena-
cious as a gasp for breath. By reducing
human emo: to their primitive ele-
ments by distilling his prose to the
purity and rhythm of rain, Kosinski
demonstrated the endur l of the
fable with his ability pro-
fundity in simplicity. Steps (Random
House), Kosinski's second novel, reveals
that even those who survived the War
were among its most mutilated casualties.
In a series of jagged vignettes, the narrator
shines the harsh light of his vision
through the dark prism of his post-War
experiences—from а sanitarium in the
Alps to deep hopelessness in Harlem,
from archaeological digs in the islands
of Greece to the brutal violation of a
woman's body—always speaking in the
toneless matter-of-factness of Camus’
The Stranger, and agreeing with Camus
that we are all either victims or execu-
tioners. Kosinski's characters are gro-
tesque pulative in love and

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numb to violence, casually witnessing
perversion, cruelty and death with a
shrug of the soul. Kosinski no longer
looks obliquely: he no longer views the
world through the unironic eyes of a
child; he no longer attempts to impose a
framework оп chaos. But what he gains
in subtlety and complexity he loses in

dariy. The Painted Bird. for all its
horrifying realism, focused its horrors
into a pure beam of light; a measure of

its brilliance is that Steps, though surely
one of the finest books of the year,
«omes as a diffuse disappointment, Yet,
Kosinski is almost alone among writers
of his generation in the severity of his
challenge to man’s capacity for sell-
knowledge—for as we hold the mirror to
Medusa's face, we find that the image is
our own.

Readers who have suffered with the
Marquis de Sade’s celebrated Justine,
through all the ingenious abuses to
which that virtuous and unfortunate
young woman’s flesh was subject, may
now have the pleasure of following the
most fortunate adventures of her most
unvirtuous sister, Juliette (Grove). Where
Justine was dutifully distressed by all
the awkward situations into which
she was inveigled by unscrupulous per-
sons of both sexes, Juliette seeks out
perversity and profits richly from it. “I
confess I love crime," she announces,
Only crime can stir my feelings.” Her
feelings are amply stirred in this book,
which brings together De Sade's original
six volumes, subtitled. The Prospevitics
of Vice. It is not necessary to take the
Marquis seriously as a philosopher of
total freedom, as some do, in order to
relish the imagination and talent that
went into gilding the nuggets of naugh-
tiness here contained. This is indeed a
pornographic cl.

DINING-DRINKING

Dining at Manhattan's Salum Sanctorum
(1110 Third Avenue) is a total experience.
While the food is excellent, it is the atmos-
phere, the milieu, that sets the Salum
apart from other restaurants. The per-
sonal projection of Dr. Joseph B. Santo,
who also owns the abutting Sign of the
Dove (Playboy After Hours, October
1964), its outward appearance is decep-
tively unpreposessing; but beyond its
19th is the world of the
с, ndee, replete with roughly
plaster walls, dark beams
nd Oriental rugs on dark oak floors.
ich. party of diners has two tables at its
disposal—one on the informal, enclosed
patio. bounded at one end by a huge fire-
place, where ape nd the
timate (it seats 35), elegant
dining room. Jean Pierre, the maitre de,
brings you the evening’s menu, which is

ifs are served,

other in the ij

fare in-
Seafood
ellent blend of shellfish
in an exotic sauce: Civab-Cici. an original
nb kebab; and Filet Sanctorum. made
with chestnuts, baked in a pastry crust
nd served with truffle sauce. The wine
list includes only choice vintages (typical
is Chateau Mouton-Rothschild, 1955).
The service, which matches the atmos-
phere and the viands, is unobtrusively
ttentive bur considerately unhurried.
After the entree and salad, you may re-
turn to your table on the terrace for des-
sert, coffee and cordials. It is a full and
romantic evening. Dining at Salum Sanc-
torum is by reservation only. The phone
number is UN 1-9492. Closed Sunday

inscribed on parchment. Typic:
cludes a cold soup du jour:
Sanctorum, an

MOVIES

In Paris, a sheltered young girl whose
aunt is dying of a stroke goes out on the
town to forget. Her flight from death
unexpectedly leads to а deeper involve-
ment in life, for she comes of age during
а long evening that starts at a basketball
game and ends in the bed of a lanky
Before the bass fiddler
seduces her with a serenade at dawn on
a hilltop overlooking Paris—a fitting cli-
to the most charmingly wacky ro.
tic interlude to brighten a movie
screen in years—the girl telly off a hand-
some Negro Marxist, is detained by gen-
darmes, battles a gang of hoodlums and
helps an agricultural student pursue his
prize ram through a maze of winding
streets. И a summary could do it justice,
that would be the whole story of Zita.
But this superlative French film by
director and coauthor Robert Enrico
(previously known here for Incident at
Owl Creek Bridge, a brilliant short
based on the Civil War tale by Ambrose
Bierce) blends its plot, a haunting musi-
cal score and evocative nighttime color
photography into a cinematic revelation
of character. As the matriarchal Aunt
Zita of the title, a woman whose fami-
ly snapshots commemorate her grievous
losses during the Spanish Revolution,
Greek trigedienne Katina Paxinou is an
imposing symbol of the secure world the
heroine ruefully leaves behind; and the

ma

nubile niece, played by Canadian-born
Joanna Shimkus, qualifies on every
count as а girl to remember. Director

Enrico makes getting to know her sur-
prisingly easy. for the entire film moves
with a quick sense of discovery and a
natural inner rhythm. Zila is like a first
date with a lovely ingénue who looks, at
nine rA, like any of a hundred others.
By dawn, the camera has awakened re
sponses between actress and audience
that make a love affair inevitable.

Greeping along with the tides and
credits of Targets is an editorial endorse-
ment of stricier gun control. Thus

At last,a tax break for
millionaires.

Until now, anybody with a millionaire's taste
for Scotch has had to pay the price for it.

Now, Passport takes pity on you, the over-
privileged class.

With careless abandon, we blended the most
outrageously expensive whiskies that Scotland had
to offer. And came out with just what we
expected for our money.

A great light Scotch. But at the same time one
that is blessed with a rich and robust Scottish
character.

If we bottled it in Scotland, we would have to
charge a premium price, as we do in other
countries throughout the world.

But we bottle Passport here in the U.S. A.
to save you money on taxes.

If no one else wants to look out for the rich,
we will.

Passport Scotch

Imported by Calvert

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TRIM HIS TREE WITH PLAYBOY ond wreathe
his face in smiles throughout the coming year.
No mulling over sizes—no milling among
holiday throngs. You give o customized gift
that suits the individual tastes of all the dis-
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time to gift than now. Starting in February
1969, PLAYBOY's caver price goes to $1.00—
and gift rates go up accordingly.

OUR MISTLETOE MISS, Angela Dorian, Play-
mate of the Year, brings glad tidings via the
unique gift card you see below. We'll sign it
Gs you wish or send it alang to you ta deliver
your own good cheer.

DAZZLING GIRLS like Playmate Melodye
Prentiss, pictured at left, stort the new year
right—add their own special glitter to 12
entertainment-packed issues that follow.
FESTIVELY WRAPPED, yaur gift of PLAYBOY
begins with the January issue, arriving well
before wassail time. Then, it's blithe spirits
served up all year in $1 issues ending with the
December “69 issue (a $1.50 value).

A cheerful year full of PLAYBOY will give
generously of:

e brilliant fact and fiction by literary lights
like Saul Bellow, Herbert Gold, Ray

* illuminating interviews with men and
women in the limelight handled with that
special PLAYBOY insight and-foresight.

* golden gleanings from J. Paul Getty on
sound investments, business tips ond trends.

® frivolity and jollity from Silverstein, Gahan
Wilsan, Interlandi, Erich Sokol and Dedini
plus the lively ond quick Little Annie Fanny.

* special jazz and fashion issues . . . the fine
art of living, PLAYBOY style . . . sump-
tuous food and drink, modern living trends,
the latest in sports cars, knowledgeable
articles on travel taking the reader ta
exotic ports of call.

® candid film, play, book and record re-
views PLUS all the other features that make
PLAYBOY tops in masculine reading fare.

WRAP UP CHRISTMAS EARLY. Mail your
holiday list today. The gifts you give this year
will be worth mare next year. Just $8 now for
your first one-year gift (next year, $10). Only
$6 for each additional one-year gift ($8 next
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declaring its lofty intentions—or hiding
behind them—the movie plunges into an
orgy of mayhem and marksmanship ex-
by Hollywood standards.
Any sharpshooter suffering from incipi-
ent psychosis will certainly identify with
the hero, a bland, sun-kissed young
Californian (Tim O'Kelly) whose ap-
ent aim is to top the record of the
illcr ensconced in that Texas tower a
couple of years ago. After slaying his
wife and mother, Tim climbs a Chevron
oil tank to pick off a hall dozen motor-
ists on the freeway, then moves his
arsenal to a better vantage point at a
driven theater and waits for nightfall
Hes got power, man. Potency. And
telescopic sights. Targets is a circus of
honor, taut and timely—and irrelevantly
prejudiced against what it construes as
the mindless life style of Southern Cal
fornia. The film’s pretensions pay off in
goosc-pimples when Boris Karloff arrives
at the drive-in, playing a Karloffy old
actor named Byron Orlok, who is booked
there for a farewell personal appearance.
By the time bullets have felled his shape-
ly secretary (Nancy Hsuch) and 20 or 30
others, Karlof-Orlok looks pretty dis-
tresed about the evenings carnage,
though one can't be sure whether the
root cause of violence is supposed to be
Boris, Momism, the afluent society, lax
gun laws or drive-in movies. The secret
resides with producer-director-scenarist
and former film critic Peter Bogdano-
vich, who skillfully manipulates cineniac-
ic shock devices but commits the gaffe of
handing himself a pivotal role (as a
bright young movie director, what else?)
—an arrogant gesture, considering the
quality of his performance.

cessive ev

Perseverance pays off for Cliff Rob-
ertson in Charly. Repeating his IV role
as a moron lifted from the twilight zone
of subnormality by experimental sur
gery, Robertson gains some points lost
professionally in the past, when prime-
quality performances he originated on
ТУ were acquired for more prestigious
movie actors (Paul Newman in The
Hustler, Jack Lemmon in Days of Wine
and Roses). Tongue lolling, studied in

speech, feet planted wide apart as if to
broaden the base for his uncoordinated
impulses, Robertson manages to pro-
ject both feeble mindedness and anguish
without milking audience sympathy.
The film's deliberately clinical tone
minimizes the emotionalism in Charly's
encounters with a caseworker (Claire
Bloom) who helps him, by awakening
his stunted aspirations, goading him
to endure the humiliation of preopera-
tive tests in which he must match wits
with a precocious mouse. Though some
of the medical nomenclature bandied
about is apt to baffle most laymen, the
tragic aftermath of Charly's operation
takes shape with painful clarity—a

It was you, and a bit of

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zenith of hope when his dawning intelli-
gence opens the way to books and b
ty (not to mention a romance with his
teacher), followed by the numbing dis-
covery that his cure is merely tempo:
rary. Filming in and around Boston,
producerdirector Ralph Nelson uses
multipleimage techniques to leapfrog
through time and to show several states
of mind at a glance, yet sticks mainly to
the essence of offbeat love story un-
folded with nice touches of authenticity.
Only Stirling Silliphant’s screenplay gets
overheated at times, moving from
poignant particulars about the hero to
er sweeping statements about cal-
lousness in the scientific community.
The least credible scene requires Charly
to astonish a congress of psychologists
by denouncing the benefits of 20th Cen-
tury progress almost im toto. lf we a
cept the implication that ignorance is
bliss s deplorable age, why mourn
for Charly as his faculties wane? An im-
perfect thesis on mental welfare, perhaps,
but feclingly played and provocative.

A prototypal_pale-blonde hippie who
has rechristened herself Today Malone
(tomorrow the world?) tells it like it
was during one long, lively summer in
ightAshbury. Her LSD trips at that
time numbered 23, Among her hobbies,
she listed “dope.” One of San Francis
co's ostentatiously unemployed flower
people, she passed most of her time
tending bens, worrying about chromo-
some damage or “turning people on to
Hostess "'winkies" Random interviews
with "Today as she ponders her past and
future in hippiedom. or simply panhan-
dies. take up а good deal of footage
Revolution. But as a method of inquiry
for a documentary film, the probing of.
Today is skin deep and dubious: one
might as well ask a young movie hope-
ful sipping Coke at Schwab's to expla
the ethos of Hollywood. Producer
director Jack O'Co its the
views of musicians, dropouts, cops, psy-
chiauists, columnist Herb Caen and
young couples at a cocktail party, but
none can articulate anything fresh or
perceptive about love and Haight. Al-
as a clue to what's happening
now, Revolution is a square chronicle of
what happened once upon a time in San
ancisco, when nude dancers, psychedel
ic light shows and the Sexual Freedom
League made big news.

ell also soli

Another comedy
about n s in preinva-
sion Czechoslovakia fortifies the impre
sion that Prague's moviemakers (if
they're still in business) have decided
this is their thing—a small social land-
scape viewed from the perspective of
young people trying to love, live and
subvert bureaucracy in a dingy onc-
room flat. The Girl with Three Camels, truc
to a tradition established by Loves of a

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48

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15 the Rollei 35 from Honeywell. For
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Blonde and Glosely Watched Trains.
shrugs off the moral aspects of unwed
motherhood with disarming candor. So
casually is the teenaged heroine (Zuza
na Ondrouchova) knocked up by a boy
who follows her home from a dance that
she almost lets him slip away without
jotting down her name and address.
"That one prudent afterthought nets her
a postcard from Algiers—a picture of
three camels and a pithy message, “Best
regards, it's hot here"—followcd by the
news that her hit-and-run beau has been
Killed. Though the heroine ultimately
keeps her little bastard and fights to
claim a name for him, director Václav
ka scorns pathos in order to spoof
the folly of re illusions. He also
registers am es about the prog-
ress of sex under socialism. The nimblest
scene unfolds in the waiting room of a
state-operated abortion mill, where an
applicant walled in by giant baby post-
ers thinks things over while a reproach-
ful tape recorder gurgles and сооз. In
some Western capitals, that would be
the cue for a repentant crying jag. In
Prague, it persuades a girl to change her
mind, all right—but only to saunter out
and squander her rainyday money on
Mod caps and miniskirts. Pretty saucy.

There are moments in Finion's Rainbow
when Fred Astaire and Petula Clark re-
store a touch of magic to the lost art of
musicals. If Astaire, still an in-
ble old smoothy, means what
bout hanging up his dancing
slippers after Rainbow, he'll be sorely
missed. By way of compensation, this
sentimental occasion sounds a fanfare
for Petula, Britain's petite dowager
queen of pop song, who breezes through
her American movie debut with be-
witching verve. Since it runs for nearly
three hours, we wish the rest of the
show were as lightsome—but two dec-
ades have passed since Broadway last
cheered Finian's rafüsh blend of Irish
folklore, free enterprise and Southern
corn. The mythical tobacco state of Mis-
situcky, where Finian (Astaire) settles
down with his marriageable daughter
(Petula) and a crock о” gold stolen from
the fairyfolk back home, has not stood
the test of time. For a sing-along liberal
of 1947, it was easy enough to smile at
the plight of a bigoted Dixie legislator
(Keenan Wynn) whose skin turns black
on the strength of a wish; but such
jokes prove a mite embarrassing today
(though Al Freeman, Jr., comes on funny
as an educated Negro tying to devel-
op a bumper crop of mentholated to-
bacco). The show's score, however—by
E. Y. Harburg and Burton Lane—is a
Broadway semiclassic; and even the
homogenized Hollywood orchestrations
cannot dim its luster when Fred or Pe-
tula let go with Look to the Rainbow,
Old Devil Moon or Glocca Morra. What

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PLAYBOY

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22

ancis Ford (You're a Big Hoy
Now) Coppola doesn't know about big
s with tidy plots may work to his
ge at times, though he seems
hooked on the notion that a performer
selling a song must never, never, never
stand still Obviously moved from a
sound stage to the great outdoors when
ever possible, Finian has a country-fresh
air somchow reminiscent of The Sound
of Music—so don't say we didn't warn
you. As for Tommy Stecle’s leprechaur
Og, the less said the better. Steele use
whimsy like a deadly weapon: he man-
ages to bludgeon the charm out of a role
in which dozens of second-rutc actors
have been beguiling audiences for years.
Just close your eyes, cross your hngers
and say “Fred Astaire” three times.

Alienation, not starvation, is the prin
cipal theme of Hunger, the story of a
man whose undernourished body and
soul wither away in Kristiania
Oslo), Norway, in the 1890s, Acsthetes
of cinema should find the film's pe
od atmosphere richly rewarding
self, for all the footage has the vintage
mat of tintypes. Other movie bulls will
esteem this darkgray masterwork be-
cause of Per Oscarson, who acts the
ing role as though his life depended

D asted. he portrays
consumed by fierce
ill pathetically affecting self-
ance while he struggles to survive
ın a dehrium ol want wing a dog's
bone, eating household dust and wood
shavings, attempting to pawn his cye-
glasses or the buttons off his clothes,
fcebly grappling with an improper
young lady (Gunnel Lindblom, from
Ingmar Bergman's stable of talented
sexpots) who likes to degrade herself
now and then. As a case study of
compulsive sadomasochism, Hunger is
inco с but also repetitive and
rather perplexing, for the scenari
supposes knowledge of its source
novel by Nobel Prize winner Knut

Hamsun himself, disaffected
ssing an impoverished youth in
Oslo, twice fled by ship to try his luck.
in America—a bit of information worth
remembering at the end of the film, if
you are left wondering why a hero who.
seems hell-bent for suicide abruptly sails
away from home.

Ever since A Man and a Woman, as-
piring moviemakers have been acting
upon the belief that all onc needs to
create a memorable romantic film is a
photogenic girl, a brooding male, lots
of color film, diffused cinematography,
catchy sound track and а picturesque
setting. French diretor Antoine d'Or
messon certainly assembled the tight
ingredients lor La Nuit Infid’le. So what
went wrong? His girl (blonde Christ
Minazoli) and his camera are a striking

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PLAYBOY

54

Choreography of а SOUFFLE

Grand Marnier

f

4

Melt 3 T of butter, Add 3 T of flour, blend-
ing thoroughly. Gradually stir in 34 cup of
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tinue stirring until sauce is thickened ond
smooth. Remove the pan from the fire. Beat
4 egg yolks until light ond lemon-colored
end odd to the cream sauce. Allow it to
cool for a few minutes ond then add V, cup
of Grond Mamier. Beat 5 egg whites until
sliff but not dry ond fold them in gently.
Pour the mixture into a buttered soufflé
dish which hos been sprinkled with sugar.
Boke in o 375 degree oven for cbout 30
minutes or until the soufflé is light, puffy
ond delicately browned, Serve at once with
Grand Marnier souce.

For о delightful souce, steep crushed
strawberries in Grond Marnier.

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example of love at first sight. When
D'Ormesson isn't finding new angles
from which to study her pensive moods,
her quick smile, her flashing hair, he
focuses upon a hero (André Oumansky)
who has plenty to brood about as а one-
time newsreel camcraman half blinded
by an atomic blast, The couple's cues for
passion are arranged for piano and gyp-
sv guitars. The place is the wind-swept
Camargue area of southwestern France.
While wild horses pound symbolically
across the desolate dunes beside the
he and she spend a long evening abed at
a rustic motel, wondering in flashbacks
where their love has gone. She th
pout giving herself to another n
decides against it- He thinks he m
have failed her, though he hasn't. In the
orning, they make love. No problem at
all, really. Or if there was one, wild
horses couldn't drag it out of them.

Outwitting a computer poses quite a
challenge for Peter Ustinov, who domi-
nates Hot Millions as ап embezzler anx-
us to succeed in the electronic age.
npersonating Britain's foremost techno-
logical genius (Robert Morley). Ustinov
ultimately persuades the infallible M505
to authorize a number of very Large
checks. "I'm sure there's а moral here
somewhere,” he mutters while enjoying
his forced exile in Rio de Janeiro, com-
fortably settled down with a zany for
mer secretary (Maggie Smith). who also
turns ont to be a wizard of finance. Karl
Malden and Bob Newhart are on hand
to fill two prominent stuffed shirts with
arch American know-how. An Ira Wal
lach screenplay is a guarantee that there
will be some reasonably literate witti-
cisms aired as Millions inches along,
amiably razzing the morality of the big-
ess world but what it all amounts

insufficient fum. Lacking a dash
of genuine originality, Millions comes
through as the kind of comedy that
might better have hitched its wags to
a star. Ustinov is a topllight second
banana doing a job cut out for David
Niven or Cary Grant. It's as though the
show had unaccountably been turned
over to au illustrious supporting cast

Every noteworthy scene in The Bliss of
Mrs. Blossom is stolen by the interior
decor. Thanks to a set designer whose
moment of truth must have cost the pr
ducers а bundle, the rooms of what ap-
pears to be an ordinary red-brick house
in suburban London are splashed up in
a showroom style best described as Pop
Art Nouveau. From time to time, Shi
ley MacLaine, Richard Attenborough
James Booth parade through the
wonderland of pastel tulips and painted
woodwork to do their damnedest on be-
half of a comedy that stubbornly refuses
хо help itself. Shirley, as the bored wife
of a busy brassiere manufacturer (At

tenborough), acquires a sewing-machine
repairman (Booth) for a household pet
nd conceals him in her attic. where he
lives contentedly for years. “I'm making
two men happy and I'm making mysclf
ecstatic!” squeals she, womanly wise
to the fact tha d-working husband
may look upon his bed primarily as a
place of rest, Mrs. Blossom's variations
on that domestic theme start off droll
and quirky, particularly when Scotland
ard sends round a faggoty detective to
igate the case of the missing re-
n. Unfortunately, with the main
plot still nicely abubble at home, the
design breakthrough
—an inflatable brassiere of such magical
properties that Attenborough becomes
world famous, a virtuoso of the bust
line. Two incompatible styles of comedy
are at war thereafter, and the swollen
bazoom conquers all. smothering a trio
of blithe spirits and their pretty-asa-pi
ture scenery under а plethora of broad,
brainless jokes about B cups.

The thoroughly modern young swing
judged on the basis of
ked, brittle Swedish comedy called
Hugs and Kisses, have scored a bloodless
victory in the sexual revolution. Very
dever and they stem to hive
no inner 1
What meets the суе is precisely what
they are. The hero (Sven-Bertil Taube),
a freethinking young haberdasher,
cool stick married to a photographer:
model (exquisite Agneta Ekmanner).
Both wear their clothes like mannequins
in a shopwindow: yet a touch of reil
humanity turns them on when the hus-
band offers shelter to a parasitic, un
published writer (Hakan Serner), who
moves into their flat in exchange for

i a domestic. The sat-suck
ands on his hosts are rather
special, since he nods off every ni
cradling a pelt of cat's fur for secu:
and must be read to before he can fall
asleep. He ultimately inii

turnal orgics with a

teacher and gives a dinner p a
gang of lecherous ten-year-old boys
Wearing undershorts as his houseman's

uniform, he shows up most mornings
with breakfast in bed for three. His ec-
centricity intrigues the glassy young
wife: husband's bland detachment
annoys her; and the three are soon well
along toward establishing a workable
ménage à trois. Directed by Jonas Cor-
nell, Hugs and Kisses strives Тог а loose
improvisational air that somehow
more spontaneity when the French do
it, This Scandinavian slice of life is a
d on the surface to be cn-
tirely winsome, a little too soft at the
core to be anything more.

her

has

A pretty singing contestant who rc-
fuses to take up prostitution is bur

Will the portable radio you
plan to buy play your favorite records?

If your answer to our question was “по,”
maybe you should change your plans.

Maybe you should plan tobuy the.
Panasonic Swing-Way instead.

At first glance the Swing-Way is a
beautifully designed black and silver
FM/AM portable radio.

Itfools you.

Because this Swing-Way is like
something out of a James Bond movie.

You push a little button and out drops
a 2-speed portable phonograph.

Ithas a special device called Panasonic

PANASONIC.

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For your nearest Panasonic dealer, cal! (800) 243-0355, in Conn., 853-3600. We pay for the call.

SCANADIAN PRICE HIGHER.

Auto-Set™ So when youset your record on
the turntable it will automatically change
to the correct record speed (45, 33% rp.m.)
you're playing.

We made it Solid State—and that
tells you it will last.

It has a 4" Dynamic speaker along with
built-in FM/AM antennas and continuous
tone control and that tells you it will
sound great outdoors wherea lot of other
portables can't compete with birds and
beesand surf sounds.

You'll have to admit that the Swing-

Way is really quite an unusual setand you
haven’t even heard the most unusual part yet—
that's the price. It’s $79.95* (suggested
list price). And that includes 6 Hi-Top
Panasonic “D” batteries and an earphone jack.
The Swing-Way, Model SG-610, is
worth checking into. And you can do that
by going to any dealer who is authorized to
carry the Panasonic line.
Ask if you can see thenew Panasonic
Swing-Way—or as we liketo call it—
The first portable radio that is capable of
playing requests,

PLAYBOY

56

even when
you forget
to use it

Say you forget your deodorant one
morning. If you've been using Mennen
Speed Stick regularly, don't worry.
You'll still have protection left over from
yesterday to help you through today.
Speed Stick's the deodorant that builds.
protection day after day. With regular
use it actually builds up a resistance to
odor. Enough to help keep you safe
even if you're occasionally forgetful.

alive by syndicate thugs. Three innocent
bystanders are gunned down by bandits
in the streets of Milan, while a third
succumbs to heart failure. Memorable
for its soaring list of casualties and sun-
dry acts of terrorism, The Violent Four is
an Italian thriller based on actual case
histories. That hard core of fact imbucs
the usual cops-and-robbers formula with
such clearcut purpose that the movie
has broken box-oflice records at home
and collected honors abroad. Though
American audiences bred in the heart
land of Bonnie and Clyde may find the
film's reputation somewhat inflated,
Four has merit as an indictment of a
public whose “indifference, connivance
and silence" provide an agreeable cli-
mate for crime. Director Carlo Lizzani,
launching his headlong color essay in

the quasidocumentary manner of a
camera crew assigned to a riot, begins
with a mob intent on tearing a gunman
to pieces in Milan. Then he flashes
backward, sketching out the obstacles
encountered by a dogged young police
inspector (Thomas Milian) whose mis-
sion is the pursuit and capture of a
quartet of bank robbers so recklessly
self-confident that, on one occasion, they
hold up four major banks in a single aft-
ernoon. Without letting the pace lag,
Lizzani adds some shrewd naturalistic
touches—a pussycat perpetually drows-
ing beside the police squawk box, the
constant nuisance of crank phone calls
from impractical jokers, and paranoiac
ladies who urge Н.О. to send a man

over, Lizzani's ace in the whole, though,
is Gian Maria Volonte, who slams out a
chilling performance as the gang leader
a smiling, amoral psychopath, an in-
stinctive killer and a natural coward, by
any measure the man most likely to
make a career in crime look loathsome.

RECORDINGS

The Midnight Mover (Atlantic: also
available on sterco tape) is, of course,
Wilson Pickett, who won't disappoint
anybody as he rocks through the undu-
lating tide tune and the pounding I
Found a True Love; the ballads, such as
It's a Groove, also strike home with
basic directness, and Pickett's phrasing
is out of sight on Trust Mc. Otis Red-
ding’s near-mythical stature can only be
enhanced by The Immortol Otis Redding

(Atco; also available on sterco tape).
Otis updates Ray Charles A Fool for
You and Sam Cooke's Amen; does
some personal testifying on A Waste of
Time; gets down to the nitty-gritty on
"s Fault but Mine and Hard to

and puts everything together
on the monumental Think About It.
Aretha Franklin's LPs are beginning to
suffer a bit from sameness, but theres
mo faulting the soul or the savoir-faire ok

Our Pacers combine the sporty look
‘of the popular penny loafer with the soft, lightweight
feel of slippers
They're also hand washable, so they save
you shoe polish. And they're inexpensive
{just $5), so they save you money.
The Pacer by Jiffies. It's what you wear
when you want your feet to
look casual and feel comfortable.

fine proa: Kayser Ro

How to look like you're wearing loafers but not feel like it.

PLAYBOY

58

Hickory dickory dock
there's a radio in this clock.

Most clock radios are radios — table. And a lot more clock to look

with clocks in them. гї. But you don't spend a lot more
This isa clock with a radio in it. money.
It wakes you up to commer- In spite of its rich-looking wal-

cials just like a big clock radio. nut-looking finish, it costs just

But it takes up less than 5 inches $19.95.*

square of space. We want it to wake you. Not
So you get a lot more night break you. SONY GRC-23

The 1968 man’s watch: It’s not man-made.

Seiko makes it by automation.

A fine precision watch comparable in qual-
ity to conventional watches costing twice as much.

This is the modern way to buy a watch: pay
only for the timepiece and not the time it took to
make it.

The largest manufacturer
of jeweled lever watches in the world: SEIKO 999%

The Seiko automatic day-date
watch with stainless steel case,
Guaranteed waterproof to 98.3
it. 309.50, Other Seiko auto-
matic day-date watches begin

at $49.50.

*As long as case,
crown and crystal
remain intact,

Aretha Now (Atlantic; alo available on
sterco tape). I Take What I Want and
A Change are stomping souLrocke
while Night Time Is the Right Time
d You Send Me never sounded so
mellow.

Burt Bacharach and Hal David have
established a songwriting empire that
threatens to preempt the place of the
n the hearts of all those who
preciate adult melodies and literate
s. The melodic end has been given
its due by Stan Getz on What the World
Needs Now (Verve: also available on
Stan the Man works within
mework of conductor Rid
* splendiferous arrangements (С
s The Look ef Love
: theres Alfie, Wives and
Lovers, Walk On By, etc—all providing
beautiful bona fides for the team of
Bacharach and David.

Galt MacDermot's Hair Pieces (Verve; also
available om stereo таре) contains ten
songs from the rock musical Най,
given a full studio treatment with horns,
Strings and a smooth female chorus
While most of the selections lick the
vitality they had when performed by
the original cast, this set—highlighted
throughout by MacDermot’s defines at
the electric piano—comes across i
subtler and more subdued way.

George Wein Is Alive and Well in Mexico
(Columbia) as the impresario-piano
player and his stalwart Newport All
Stars concertize south of the border
and, from the sound of things, make a
lot of new amigos. He and his cohorts—
tenor man Bud Freeman. clarinetist Pee
Wee Russell, corneuist Ruby Brat (who
is just sensational), bassist Jack Lesberg
and drummer Don Lamond—tike off on
eight evergreens with an exuberance
that’s a joy to the ears.

What with the movie version of Oli-
ver! im release, we'll be heari
and more of its wonderful Lionel Bart
diuics, The tide ode of Jack Jones
Where Is Love? (Victor; also available
on stereo. tape) is one of the best and
Jones handling of it is firstrate. Other
olferings of interest аге Light My Fire,
Suzanne and Valley of the Dolls. Pat
Williams has contributed superlative
orchestrations throughout,

more

on stereo tape) is the eagerly
big LP by Big Brother and the Holding
Company. Janis Joplin’s soaring voice
and soulful phrasing are brilliant on I
Need a Man to Love, Summertime and
Ball and Chain, However, Turtle Blues
is a too-conscious attempt at a down-
home sound, and Janis doesn’t get quite

the right backing on Piece of My Heart.
Like the Holding Company, the Jeffer-
son Airplane's most unique asset is a
girl singer, Grace Slick; and—although
the group gathers plenty of momentum
on The House at Pooncil. Comers—the
best moments of Crown of Creation (Vic-
tor; also available on stereo tape) occur
when she takes off on a suitable vehicle,
such as Triad or Greasy Heart. The Air-
plane is back in its original bag, eschew-
ing the montages that characterized its
last LP.

Gary Burton Quartet in Concert (Victor)
finds the foursome stretching out
in the felicitous confines of the Car-
negie Recital Hall. Vibist Burton and
rist Larry Coryell—with strong as-
from bassist Steve Swallow and
dr ummer Bob Moses—cover both sides
of the LP with an absorbing variety of
contemporary sounds. A number of the
compositions have been in the quartet's
repertoire for a while; others have been
freshly minted for the occasion.

Gustav Mahler, last of the romantics
and first of the modernists, spoke in an
equivocal, lusciously tortured idiom that
grows more fascinating the better we get
to know it. The quintessence of Mahler's
might and misery is to be found in the
las of his nine symphonies, a sardonic
and doom-ridden piece completed а усаг
before his death in 1911. A new London
recording of the Mahler Ninth Symphony by
Georg Solti and the London Symphony
Orchestra wrings the full measure of bitter
beauty from the complex score and is
easily the best-engincered version extant.
Mahler's growling brases, peremptory
drums and slashing strings have never
sounded so searingly real.

Sammy Davis Jr. continues his good
works on Lonely Is the Name (Reprise:
also available on stereo tape), although
the title opus seems one of the weaker
links in the Davis chain. The great ones
are the hard rockers—Shake, Shake,
Shake, Don’t Take Your Time and Up-
tight—which find Sammy loose, man,
loose. The best of the ballads is Chil-
dren, Children—a lovely thing.

The Soulful Strings’ combination of
funky rhythms, jazz solos and orchestral
arrangements pays big dividends on An-
other Exposure (Cadet). Richard Es
charts suitably transform such mate
as Otis Redding's On the Dock of the
Bay and the Beatles’ Inner Light into
car-filling nonverbal adventures.

Britisher John Mayall demonstrates
on The Blues Alone (London; also av
able on stereo tape) that he’s a uue
master of the idiom, as he sings with
authority and plays all the instrumental
parts with effective economy. On Catch

СЕЕП running halfback for the Dallas Cowboys, uses Dep for Men.

Dan Reeves has his hair styled.
Want to poke fun at him?

Watch it! Reeves'll poke you right back. And you thought hairstyling
was for cream puffs. Like a lot of guys who once had crew cuts and
then let ‘em grow, Dan faced a decision—to plaster it down or see a
stylist. This picture shows he made the right decision. A stylist can
make you look much better than a plain barber. And because he
trims your hair along its natural growth lines, it's easier to care for,
too. Part of the credit goes to Dep for Men Hairdress Styling Gel and
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no greasy product can. And hold it in
place all day. Still think hairstyling is
Íor cream pufís? Says Dan, "the cream
puff's the guy who's afraid to try it.”

Dep for Men-the hairstyling products

59

PLAYBOY

nothing

about
kaywoodie

1S

ordinary

Precious aged briar, hand
picked from hundreds of burls
is hand-worked, coddled and
caressed to the rich perfection
that makes it Kaywoodie.

A comfortable bit is hand fit-
ted to each bowl. Note how it
feels just right in your mouth.
Then the Drinkless Fitment that
condenses moisture, traps tars
and irritants is added.

Small wonder Kaywoodie
smokes mild, dry, full flavored.
Looks like no ordinary pipe.
Smokes like no ordinary pipe.
There's just no other Pipe b
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write Kaywoodie, N. Y. 10022, Dept. D21,

that Train, he plays mouth harp to the
accompaniment of a locomotive; other
tone poems, such as the driving Don’t
Kick Me, have a 1968 sound. America's
Butterfield Blues Band shows again, on
In My Own Dream (Elektra; also available
on stereo tape), that it has technical pro-
ficiency; but the group licks Mayall's
sense of direction, and its performances
aren't convincing. Luther Georgia Boy Snake
Johnson (Douglas) features the Muddy
Waters Blues Band, with guitarist John-
son and mouth harpist Mojo Buford shar-
ing the vocals. The group is nowhere near
the top of its game, but it doesn't need
to prove anything; and Buford's Love
Without Jealousy, Johnson's Love т”
Trouble and the instrumental. Chicken
Shack are solid blues that make no in-
ordinate demands on the listener.

Lana! (Victor) refers, of course, to the
sensational Miss Cantrell, a singer for all
reasons. Chuck Sagle, who has provided
her with notable backdrops in the past,
comes through in in fine fashion as
Lana les into The Sound of Silence,
The Fool on ihe Hill, Cant Take My
Eyes Off of You (O meter, what gram-
matical sins are committed in thy name)
and Gentle on My Mind. The material
varies but never the quality.

Herbie Mann, who has explored a
е assortment of exotic
tles down into a fairly
jazz groove on Windows Opened (Atlan-
lic; also available on stereo tape). His
quintet is rock-solid with vibist Roy Ay-
Sonny Sharrock, bassist
Miroslav Vitous and drummer Bruno
Carr aiding and abcuing the Mann
flute. There are tunes by Donovan, Tim
Hardin and Jim Webb on hand, but the
total effect is jazz—pure and mot so
simple.

wi avenues, set-

straightforward.

ers, guitarist

Cheers for Fats Domino. In an cra of
pretentious pop stars, it’s а joy to hear
Fats Is Bock (Reprise; also available on
stereo tape). The Fat Man's barrelhouse
piano and his carthy but delicate vocals
have never sounded better than on My
Old. Friend, Make Me Belong to You
and a pair of Lennon-McCartney songs,
Lady Madonna and Lovely Rita.

The Blue Yusef lateef (Atlantic; also
ble on stereo tape) is by far his
best effort to date. With the exception
of Gel Over, Get Off and Get On (рі-
anist Hugh Lawson's composition), the
numbers are all Lateef originals. Lateef
displays versatility on tenor sa
variety of flutes and such csoteric instr
ments as the shannie, Taiwan koto, tam-
boura and scratcher. Helping the cause
are such splendid sidemen as the afore-

Blue
and

mentioned Lawson, trumpeter
Mitchell, gui Kenny Burrell
harmonica wizard Buddy Lucas.

arist

Music from Big Pink (Capitol: also avail-
able on stereo tape) contains 11 tracks by
five musicians known mainly as former
accompanists of Bob Dylan. While no-
body in the untitled group really sings
well, it doesn't matter: their instrumental
conceptions and their togetherness are a
ваз on the likes of Robbie Robertson's
To Kingdom Gome and Richard Man-
uel's We Can Talk. All in all. it's one of
the best folk-rock sets we've heard.

THEATER

"Two fragmentary plays by Brian Fricl
(the Irish author of Philadelphia, Here
1 Come) are united by a common title,
lovers, and an uncommon actor, Art
Carney. In the first piece, a curtain raiser
called Winners, Fries pellucid style
makes up for the fact that Carney has
little to do. He merely exudes humanity
as a sort of Our Town commentator
whose words provide touching counter
point to a tragic, altogether persuasive
love idy! between a betrothed lad and
lass on з hilltop overlooking their native
t afternoon
of their lives, the narrator confides—the
day both drown in the lake below. And
that unhappy revelation lends a bitter-
sweet relevance to everything they say
and feel as they laugh, or quarrel, or
mock their neighbors—two innocents
dancing toward oblivion, dreaming sadly
predictable little dreams about a future
that will never be, The evening's main
event, Losers, would be much less satis-
factory. except for the opportunity it
affords Carney to loosen his suspenders
and clear the way for liberating laughter
Slipping in and out of the antics on
without damage to his brogue, he monol-
ogizes about the courtship and marriage
of a salty rogue who enjoys his last devil-
may care hours of lust before old age,
religion and womenfolk him.
Though the play itself is pennyante
improvising. Carneys perlormance has
the glimmer of gold. If his blarney
doesn't captivate you, his timing will,
especially when he goes to call upon his
flabby fiancée, whose invalid old mum
lies upstairs worshiping her saints and
ringing a large bell the moment those
long spans of silence hint of hanky-
panky in the parlor. To stay the bell
whene'er his ladylove flattens him on her
sofa, Carney begins loudly reciting Gray's
Elegy in a Country Churchyard; seldom
has low comedy reached so high an estate.
Following a limited engagement at Lin-
coln Center, Lovers has moved to The
Music Box, 239 West 45th Strect.

subdue

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61

PLAYBOY

62

rs called Toshiba Portable People

Land. Don't smile. We make special
kinds of portables for it. They're created
inside and out to take the jolts and jars of
the active portable people.

It's where portable Color TV pictures stay
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to your left. We built a special Toshiba
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There is a land where knobs hardly ever fall off.

replaced troublesome tubes for even
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How about portable radios with sound that
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For more information on the beauties pic-
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THE INTERNATIONAL ONE

THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR)

Bm about to become engaged and I'd
like to avoid that corny moment when
the guy hands his girl the ring and, in-
1, slip it to her in a superclever way.
plc. onc friend froze the ring
n ice cube and put it in an on-the-
rocks martini he made for her. When the
ice melted, the ring was left. Have you
any ideas —G. B., Kenosha, Wisconsin.
You could surprise her with а cement
block im which the ring has been
embedded and hand her a jackhammer,
Or you might try it our way and proffer
the ring in a small velvet box, followed
by the hopelessly corny ritual of а big
hiss and а warm embrace.

MAL a formal dinner party. my attrac
tive table companion tumed to me and
muttered, “My God, Fred, we've been
seated below the salt!” I didn't want to
display my lack of erudition, so I merely
nodded sheepishly, What did the lovely
lass mean? To make matters worse, my
name isn’t Fred.—P. R, Louisville, Ken-
tucky.

In the Middle Ages, the saltcellar
was placed midway on the table, Hon-
ored guests were seated between the
host (at the head of the table) and the
salt. The hoi polloi was relegated below
this arbitrary boundary line. However,
any significance attached to this is now
ay ouldated as the crossbow, Clarence.

ll never dreamed that life could get so
serious by the time one reached the age of
20. 1 am in the Army and have made two
girls pregnant. They're both over 18 and
T promised each that I would marry her
if this should happen. But I hate the
thought of marriage and still have the
wild urge to be free. Besides, I do not
love cither of these two and have a won-
derful girl back home, What can I do
now?—B. C, Fort Benning, Georgia.
Marriage won't help anyone out of
this mess. Approach each girl with the
truth and with a willingness to meet her
parents to determine what course she
should take. The Red Cress or your
base chaplain can probably assist you with
a list of available counseling services
thal cam provide guidance for this de-
cision. Once you have arrived at an hon-
est settlement of the girls’ problems, get
yourself some help in understanding how
to live with а person as irresponsible,
deceitful and self-centered as yourself.

Th а recent Playboy Advisor answer,
you explained how а man with foresight
could have profited handsomely by
ing silver certificates. I wish I had been
so fortunate, Now I've noticed that coi

v=

dealers are offering seven percent over
face value for all silver quarters, dimes
and half dollars. Do you have any idea
what's going on here?—P. D. Z., Bryan,
Texas.

Speculation. The price of silver has
risen to a point where the silver content
in coms minted pror to 1965 makes
them worth more than their face value.
(These's little or no silver in the copper-
nickel “sandwich” coins the Government
is now minting.) At presstime, when sil-
wer was selling at $215 a troy ounce,
cach pre-1965 silver half dollar was
worth 86¢; quarters were worth 436;
dimes, 176; and silver dollars—if you had
any—were worth $1.84. The coin dealers
are presumably hoping the value of sil-
ver will continue to increase, to a point
where they can make а profit by selling
whatever silver coins they've bought.
There's one problem, though: If a profit
is to be made, somewhere along the line
the coins will have to be melted down.
This is expensive—and strictly illegal for
anyone except the U.S. Treasury, which
has already culled hundreds of millions
of dollars’ worth of silver-bearing coins
from circulation and is busily melting
them down itself.

Do you have any words of wisdom for
guys, such as myself, who want to be
come male fashion models?—D, R.,
Queens, New York.

Get into Manhattan and make an ap-
ointment with a model agency and ask
them how you stack up against the com-
petition. If the reaction is affirmative,
they'll heip make arrangements to pro-
duce а photo brochure (called а com-
posite), shot at your expense and then
mailed to photographers, magazine ed-
itors, art directors, etc. Although New
York, Chicago and Los Angeles are pri-
marily where the fashion action is, job
opportunities do occur in other areas,
but they're usually grabbed up by estab-
lished talent, Your choice of attire, of
course, will weigh as much in their judg-
ment as your physical proportions. Keep
your wardrobe neat, clean and pressed;
accessories such as shoes, ties and shirts
should be up to date and spotless. Last,
make sure you have a modicum of mon-
ey in the bank to draw on between jobs
—success in this field is relatively rare.

MV secretary ie bal my age an chicient
worker and very attractive. She is mi
but not happily. I a
enjoy а wonderful home Ше with my
family. My problem is that the girl wa

the idea appealing. I would like to keep
her as a good secretary and I know the

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63

PLAYBOY

64

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OISTILLED AND BOTTLED IN SCOTLAND * BLENDED Be PROOF

two relationships are not compatible. In
a sense, I know what is right, but I'm
a red-blooded guy and this gal could
charm snipers out of trecs—T. B., Wash-
ington, D.C.

You may be the boss, but you are in
danger of putting your secretary in
charge. Tell her clearly that you are un-
willing to risk personal involvement and
that tf she wishes to stay on the job, it’s
with the understanding that your “wonder-
ful home life" is more important to you—
and more difficult to come by—than a
good sccictary. And memorize that notion
for your own benefit, too.

С... you тей me how the name marijua-
ich I believe means "Mary Jan:
in Spanish—came to be applied to the
happy herb?—H. A., Akron. Ohio.

Perhaps it's because Mexicans—like
other people are prone to give things
affectionate female nicknames, In the
case of pot, a contributing consideration
could have been the fact that only the
female plant contains the active drug—
which has been of feminine gender in
Mexican slang for ages, going under such
names as Rosa Maria, Doña Juanita,
Maria Johanna.

White home on leave from the Air
Force, I ran into an old girlfriend and
we spent several wondcrful days togeth-
er in 2 motel. When I got back to the
base, I found I had contracted a venere-
al disease. The timing and circumstances
made me reasonably certain where it
had come from, I wrote to the girl, cx-
plaining the situation as dclicately as
possible—even allowing for the outside
chance that she might have gotten it
from me. She wrote back, half crazy
with hate, asking how I darc even imply
the possibility of her having given me
the disease and telling me that a gentle
man doesn’t tell a lady something like
that. Should I not have written her (and
possibly let her get seriously ill or spread
it further), or should I have contacted her
through a third party, or was I right to
do what I didj—C. H., Cannon AFB,
New Mexico.

You were sight to do what you did
and exactly as you did it. Her anger
was based on either shock or fear and
we would recommend that you write to
her again, explaining calmly and sym-
pathetically that while it no doubt comes
as a shock, her own peace of mind would
be well served by consulting a doctor.
Venereal disease is curable and leaves no
residual effects when treated promptly
and properly. Untreated, it will unfail-
ingly leave behind it a wake of tragedy.

ММ... the diference between a conical
id an elliptical phono stylus?—P. P.,
Milwaukee, Wisconsin,
A conical siylus has a cone-shaped tip
and is the more commonly used type. In

the past few years, however, hi-fi engi-
neers have found that certain types of
distortion can be reduced by employing
an elliptical needle, the shaft of which
has a flattened oval circumference, Since
the cutting stylus used in recording studios
has a similar shape, the higher-priced
elliptical stylus can more closely reproduce
its motions and, thus, the original sounds.
However, because ihe elliptical needle
presses on a greater portion of the record
groove, it may cause more wear on your
discs if the tonearm and cartridge track
at more than a couple of grams. Ask your
dealer for advice on which ts best for your
own record player.

A; embarassing impasse exists be-
tween my girl and me. She was totally
inexperienced sexually when I met her,
but she seemed willing to learn from-
and with—me. However, for some re:
son, she finds the sight of the erect male
organ screamingly funny. There's noth-
ing peculiar about me and it turns me
off to be laughed at. Two recent аг
tempts at lovemaking have ended on
a sour note. Her efforts to stifle her
laughter just intensify the outbursts and
I literally can't stand for it, What to
do?—B. P., Nome, Alaska.

We agree; it's no laughing matter.
Her giggling is probably an involuntary
expression of anxiety, traceable to fears
about sex. Try making love in the dark
Jor a while and in relaxed moments get
her to talk about her fears while you
reassure her. This, plus a little more ex-
perience, should dissipate her tensions
and replace laughter with lovemaking

For two years my girl and I were in
love and planned to marry. Now, sud-
denly, she wants to break our engage-
ment. She claims she doesn't love me
anymore; but when I ask her why, she
can only shake her head and reply, “I
don't know." Clearly, this means she
doesn't know her own mind, and I think
she still loves me. How can I persuade
her that her notion about her feelings is
incorrect?—R. №, San Marcos, Texas.
The fact that people can't give reasons
for their feelings doesn’t mean they don’t
know how they feel. If she wants to
break off with you, this should be taken
as evidence that she, indeed, doesn't love
уои. We don't like dashing your hopes,
but wishful thinking is а big obstacle to
looking around for new dates—which is
what you ought to be doing right now.

Чом do I go abone enterin
short in a foreign film festival? С. L.,
Darien, Connecticut.

First, to ensure that you put your best
footage forward, review your film for
clarity, technical goofs and sloppy edit-
ing. Then have a new, unspliced
print made and send the flick plus ten
dollars to the Council on International

Give her enough Chantilly
to shake your world.

Essence de Chantilly
by Houbigant.

PLAYBOY

66

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Meet the AMPHORA shipping department. They've got
the toughest job on the continent how to get.
AMPHORA out of Holland. The Dutch 'Ehers wart to
keep enough AMPHORA for themselves. Because
AMPHORA is the largest selling imported tobacco in
the States, end still growing, maybe cur Dutch friends
have something to worry about. But don’t you worry.
It isn't easy, but there will always be en ample amount
of AMPHORA on your dealer's shelves. We hope. Superb Dutch tobacco shipped here... cautiously.

AMPHORA Brown-Regular; AMPHORA Red-Full Aromatic; AMPHORA Blue-Mild Aromatic.

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Nontheatrical Events (CINE), 1201 16th
Street N.W., Washington, D.C. 20036.
The Gounal sponsors an annual contest
to determine what independently made
shorts will be entered in foreign compe-
tition. A regional board will review your
entry. which, after additional screenings,
may be placed among those selected.

Whaat recently, my fiancée and 1 were
both inexperienced sexually. Now, we've
had intercourse several times, and each
time I have been unable to control my
ejaculation beyond about two minutes.
She is extremely responsive, and 1 have
been able to bring her to orgasm by
means of postcoital sexplay. In addi-
tion, 1 have tried other recommended
techniques, such as thinking about non-
sexual matters during intercourse, but
find that these methods tend to work
only occasionally. Since we both would
like her to reach climax during inter-
course, is there any way I can condition
myself to achieve a more normal reac-
tionz—T. Y., Columbus. Ohio.

Your reaction is normal now—for а

man to whom sexual intercourse is a
new experience, To develop control over
the timing of your ejaculation requires
experience, regularity of intercourse and
а keen interest in your partner's pleas-
ure. The important thing is that there
be real communication between you and
her; both of you must feel free to talk
about what you want sexually at any
particular time, According to research
by Masters and Johnson, before you can
successfully condition yourself to delay
your ejaculation, you must first learn to
sense the level of sexual stimulation that
immediately precedes the stage of or-
gasmic inevitability (just prior to ejacu-
lation). When you've learned lo identify
this, ask your partners help in re-
maining relatively inactive until the
urge dies down, then start coital activity
again. In the beginning, you may have
10 start and stop many times; but cven-
tually, you should develop a sure sense
of conirol.

There are other suggestions that can
be obtained from a therapist or a physi-
cian trained in the facts now known
about sexual response, However, the key
factor, not only for male control but
for all aspects of effective and mutually
pleasurable sexual rapport, is full com-
munication.

All reasonable questions—from fash-
ion, food and drink, hi-fi and sports cars
to dating dilemmas, taste and etiquette
—will be personally answered if the
writer includes a stamped, self-addressed
envelope. Send all letters to The Playboy
Advisor, Playboy Building, 919 N. Michi-
gan Ave, Chicago, Illinois 60611. The
most provocative, pertinent queries will
be presented on these pages each month.

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THE PLAYBOY FORUM

an interchange of ideas between reader and editor
on subjects raised by “the playboy philosophy”

CONTRABAND CONTRACEPTIVES
I interested in the tale of the
Swedish girl compelled by a Customs

official to throw her diaphragm into the
Hudson river (The Playboy Forum,
August).

What next? Will the Customs Burean
start X-raying for T. U. D.s?
Ronald Weston
San Francisco, California

THE POPE AND BIRTH CONTROL
Despite Pope Paul's work in behalf of
peace and social justice, we have yet to
hear him categorically condemn any of
the following as mortally sinful, against
ature and forbidden to good Catholic
manufacture of nuclear and thermo-
nuclear weapons, the bombing of
ians, the use of weapons such as n
the pollution of thc

1 and biologi-
e of raci

fare) and the
justice, The Pope has, indeed, expressed
his distress over these things, but he
reserved absolute moral prohibitions for
the use of birth control. Is it because a
pill-taking housewife in Kansas City is a
safer target than is a powerful nation
armed with jet bombers? Or is it just that
the Pope, because of his position and the
doctrines he believes, has an odd perspec.
tive on what is and what is not impor
tant?

Charles Tyrell
London, England

CATHOLIC WIFE'S COMPLAINT

I am a Catholic, a woman who has
had two children in four and a half ycars
of marriage. Before 1 was married, my
parish priest reminded me that rhythm is
the only permissible form of birth control
Tor Catholics. I told him that my men-
strual cycle was irregular and that L
couldn't use rhythm. I was dismissed
with a “Tough luck, kid" attitude.

1 have fought a battle between
church and conscience since then and
feel, truly, that the church is wrong. My
priest tells шет ng natural
law by using artificial methods of birth
control. Will somebody tell me what is
so natural about the abstinence requisite
to the rhythm method?

The birth-control methods used in a
marriage are the private choices of the
two people involved. Is it really the busi-
nes of a priest, whose only experience

to tell me
love my husband?
It's time the Catholic Church started to
care for its flock on a person-to-person
basis, instead of handing down edicts
Irom on high. Maybe people think God is
dead because His priests and ministers
are mentally and emotionally nor quite

(Name withheld by request)
Wilmington, Delawa

DOCTOR ON TRIAL

Т recently attended the trial of a doc-
tor charged with the death of a young
woman during abortion. My 5
morc than triv
25 months on an abortion charge not too
long ago (The Playboy Forum, Septem-
ber); therefore, I suspect that I under-
stood wl happening better than
most people present at the trial

The doctor med that the
induced the abortion herself, or
it induced, and had come to him when
she in critical condition. The chicf
witness against him was the girl's boy-
friend, who testified that the doctor had
performed the abortion. Although he
had transported the girl across a state
line to obtain the alleged abortion, the
boy, who was the father of an illegiti-
mate child by another girl, was granted
immunity in return for his testimony
gainst the doctor. The boy's Father
mitted that he had helped his son seek
ап abortionist in this case. He also stated
that the doctor at first refused to treat
the girl.

What is the truth? Perhaps the doctor
relented and performed the abortion.
which resulted in her death. Perhaps he
didn’t, and merely treated her after the
abortion in an attempt to save her li
Nobody knows the truth except the doc
tor and the boy in question. The jury
believed the boy and the doctor was
convicted.

І can understand the desperation of
the girl, the frustration and fear of her
boyfriend and the desire of the father to
protect his son. Whatever way the doc
tor became involved—hefore or after the
abortion—compassion was certainly one
of his motives, Each reader can decide
for himself which of these parties be:
most of the guilt. For my part, I sce

them all as partially guilty and partially
innocent, but the major share of the
guilt must rest with the legi s who

A
reformed hippie
writes:

Like, man,

my search for

new intellectual
horizons was

going Nowheresville
until | switched to
Colt 45.

It succeeded where
my guru
failed.

A completely
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©THE NATIONAL BREWING CO. OF BALTO., MD.
AT BALTO..MD. ALSO PHOENIX » MIAMI * DETROIT

69

PLAYBOY

70

allow our merciless abortion laws to re-
m on the books.

Can this conviction, in any way, pre-
vent another abortion or another

ion death? Will this convictio
society's hands of responsibility for the
girl's death? Will lawmakers continue to
glibly shrug off their involvement, as did
one state legislator who wrote me: “I
am not so sure that any woman who has
had an abortion should not die"?

Or will we think about these things?
When the laws against abortion are re-
pealed, few will mourn their passing; all
will benefit from the loss. When abor-
tion is permitted as a medical procedure
rather than condemned as a criminal
offense, the lives of thousinds of women
will be saved annually by their being
able to get proper medical care.

W. J- Bryan Henrie, D. O.
Grove, Oklahoma

RAPE IN BLACK AND WHITE

Alter having read in PLAYWOY that
Negroes are punished much more se-
verely for rape than are white men, I
thought you might be interested in the
following case in Waco, Texas. A Negro,
accused of raping a pregnant white
woman, claimed that the woman had
consented to the act of sexual inter-
course, for which he paid her two dol-
lars. The co didn't believe him, and
he was sentenced to 99 years’ imprison-
ment. According to The Austin American,
his appeal was based on the argument
that the sentence was excessive and the
fact that since 1920, the average sentence
for rape in Waco was 12 years; and this
includes two other 99-year sentences—
“the only two previous cases that in-
volved a Negro male and a white
female.

Nevertheless, the Court of Criminal
Appeals ruled that the sentence was not
too severe,

SEXPATRIATED
In my profes man) it
been my good fortune to make port in
about every country in the world. I
finally settled in Thailand, because this
is where you'll find the swingingest
chicks on the whole planet. I was born
in the cradle of the Confederacy, Ala-
bama, and I'm black and proud of it.
My opinion on the recent death-for-rape
debate in The Playboy Forum is that in
most cases where black men are convict-
«d of forcing white women, all the force
was on the other side. Those Southern
chicks are stone crazy on the idea that
we black men are oversexed. Sooner or
later, they go ape from dreaming about
it and just have to try one of us to find
out. Then, if caught, they protect their
reputations by crying “rap
In fact, America is crazy in the head
both sexually and racially; its all tied
up in one bizarre knot, Thailand is full

FORUM NEWSFRONT

a survey of events related to issues raised by “the playboy philosophy”

PILL STOCK STAYS STEADY

NEW vonk—MWall Street has passed
judgment on the probable effect of Pope
Paul's edict on birth control, After "Hu-
manae Vitae's" appearance, stock prices
of the major pill manufacturers took no
more than a brief and barely perceptible
dip.

SEX AND THE STUDENT

A new survey indicates that in the 20
years since the Kinsey report was pub-
lished, there has been а 60-percent
increase in the sexual experiences of col-
lege girls, and that while there has been
no great change in the sexual activity of
college men, much less of it is with
prostitutes. The survey—organized by
Vance Packard for his new book, “The
Sexual Wilderness,” and conducted by a
University of Connecticut group under
psychologist Dy. Eleanore Braun Luckey
—was based on responses to question
naires sent to 2100 junior and senior col-
lege students at 21 schools in the United
States. Where the Kinsey report showed
that approximately 27 percent of college
women had experienced sexual relations
by the age of 21, the current study finds
that 43 percent of the 21-ycar-olds had
sexual relations. Of this group, 53 percent
had slept with more than one man and
33 percent acknowledged intercourse
with several or many partners. The figure
for college men who had patronized
prostitutes in the Kinsey study was 22
percent, whereas in Packard's survey the
figure had [allen to 1 percent.

SEX AND THE POLICE

A New York policeman was dismissed
from the force for living with a woman
to whom he was not legally wed, on the
grounds thal such behavior “brought
adverse criticism on the department.”
(The New York Times commented: “We
could think of a lot of other things that
have brought a good deal heavier criti-
cism—wilhout anyone being fired”)

Meanwhile, in Washington, D.C.,
Federal Bureau of Investigation clerk
Thomas Н. Carter, fired in 1965 for
having a woman in his apartment over-
night (“The Playboy Forum,” August
1966), has won the right to have a jury
decide whether or not his conduct de-
served. dismissal. Mr. Carter has stated
that he wants only to remove the blot of
being fired from his record and will re-
sign voluntarily if he wins his case. The
FBI argued that it must enforce such
rules in order to carn the respect of the
public, which, it said, will not trust a
Government agency that permits its em-
ployees to "sleep with young girls and
carry on.” Carry on, Carter.

DIVORCE REFORM

An attack is mounting against the na-
tion’s divorce laws and the legal concept
of “guilt” in marital breakup. According
to The Wall Street Journal, a committee
has been appointed by the National
Conference of Commissioners оп Uni-
form State Law to write a model di-
vorce code for the 50 states. The code
will try to climinate entirely from di-
vorce proccedings the necessity of blam-
ing one of the partners for the failure of
the marriage, thereby making divorces
easier to get, reducing the emotional
stress involved and, perhaps most im-
portant, reversing “the long established
practice of using alimony as punishment
for alleged marital wrongdoing.”

Several states have already begun to
move in this direction. California, Colo-
rado, Washington and Oklahoma have
removed from their statutes the concept
of “recriminalion,” which renders di-
vorce unattainable if both spouses are
culpable. Over 20 states list separation
as grounds for divorce and several have
reduced the mandatory period of separa-
tion required before a divorce may be
sought. According 10 the Journal arlicle,
California has a Family Court Act pend-
ing; it would place divorce in the hands
Of a special court whose members are
trained in family law. And in Minnesota,
one house of the legislature has passed a
proposal that would require alimony to
be based on the economic circumstances
of both spouses, rather than just the
husband's.

"THANKS FOR THE МАММАКІ

SAN JOSE, CALIFORNIA—Two clinical
psychologists have testified that topless
dancers ave good for the health of the
country—mental and physical—and can
help the faltering marriages of specta-
tors. The testimony was given at a hea
ing concerning the Ore House, a beer
parlor that features topless dancers and
waitresses. Dr. John Marquis, chief psy-
chologist at Palo Alto Veterans Hospital,
testified that “Seminude females per-
forming suggestive dances can be good
for desensitizing anxieties people have
about nudity and sex.” He also praised
topless dancers for directing “a person's
interest to good healthy heterosexual
relations—awey from perversions and
hang-ups.” Dr. Marquis added that
seeing seminude females in public might
be especially therapeutic for women,
explaining that “many marital problems
arise because women are anxious about
their own nudity.” Dr. David Newman,
who teaches clinical psychology at San
Jose State College, also testified for the
beer parlor.

INTERNATIONAL SMUT CONSPIRACY

во The New Fngland Rally for
God, Family and Country heard Ray-
mond P. Gaucr, executive director of
Citizens Jor Decent Literature, declare:
“The pornographic material right here
in Boston is beneath the dignity of
Sodom and Gomorrah” and is a danger
to “the moral fiber of our nation.”

"The real threat of pornography is
that in destroying and undermining our
moral code, it weakens our country's
will to resist,” added Richard Barnes, а
California state legislator. “The Com-
munist strategy is lo surround a nation
and then weaken it from within.”

WRETCHED OF THE EARTH

RICEVILLE, 10wA—dn experiment in
discrimination had results that were “ab-
solutely frightening,” according to a
third-grade teacher in this rural Towa
community. The subjects, all white
school children, were exposed to two
days of unequal treatment based on the
color of their eyes. Reported The New
York Times: Students in the “inferior”
group, even though they knew their
status was only temporary and was
intended as ап experiment in sociology,
reacted with real anger, frustration and
despair. One student seriously consid-
ered dropping out of school, and the
grades of the students in the under-
privileged group showed a perceptible
decline. “I was sick, I was simply dum-
founded,” the teacher remarked, com-
menting on how much harm such
discrimination could do to a child in a
short time. The effect. such treatment
must have оп black students, when its
duration is counted in years, not days,
was made poignantly plain by one of the
students, who stated simply, "I would not
like to be [so] angry all my life.”

IN BLACK AND WHITE

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Follouw-up studies
released by the President's National Ad-
visory Commission on Civil Disorders
(the Kerner report) have revealed that:

* The “ута theory” of riots is inac-
curate. Our urban uprisings are not
started by a small criminal clement in
the black community, are not deplored
by the majority of black citizens and
have involved many noncriminal partici-
pants.

* White racism is not quite as mono-
lithic as the original Kerner report
seemed to suggest. Surveys of urban
populations revealed great. ambivalence
among whites, but most whites have at
least some sense of the problems of
blacks in our society and are looking for
solutions.

+ Short of brutal suppression of mil-
lions of black citizens by armed force,

Juture riots can be prevented only by
transforming the black slums into more
decent environments.

To reduce violence in America, psy-
chiatrist John P. Spiegel hax suggested
that the new National Commission on
the Causes and Prevention of Violence
investigale “the accent on ruthless com-
petition that has been with us since
frontier days.” Indicating that Americans
have a psychological compulsion to “win
at all costs,” Dr. Spiegel proposed that
learning to compromise and even learn-
ing to be “a good loser” are national
characteristics that we lack and badly
need in all the areas of conflict now con-
fronting us. Whites must learn to sur-
sender more power to blacks, he added,
since the only hope for resolution of
racial conflict is to lessen antagonism by
sharing power equally,

GUNS UNDER FIRE
This month:

+ A construction worker shot his wife,
IS-month-old son and a police officer.
He was then shot to death by polic

* А small-town mayor shot at one of
his aldermen.

* Ап IH year-old girl was shot to death
by one of her playmates.

+ A man entered а gun store, bought
a box of shells, loaded a floorsample
shotgun and blew off his head.

* A 23-year-old girl was shot in the
back when a revolver went off acciden-
tally. She died before reaching the hos-
pital.

Meanwhile, the gun lobby continues
to insist that criminals, not guns, kill
people and to imply that arms control
will not save lives.

A poll of Galifornians revealed that
70 percent of adults in that state want a
law requiring every citizen who owns or
buys a gun to register it with a law-
enforcement agency. The same poll
showed that 82 percent favor a law pro-
hibiting all mailorder sales of guns.
These findings parallel those of Gallup
Polls oj national opinion over the past
30 years, which have consistently shown
that the American public wants strict
gun-control laws.

Meanwhile, Congress consistently re-
jects effective gun legislation, On the
eve of Congress’ most recent rejection,
the Justice Department released the fol-
lowing statistics:

+ On the average, an American is fa-
tally shot every half hour.

* There ате 42,500,000 gun owners in
the United States,

* In 1967, 1,700.000 guns were bought
for private use.

+ States that have strong firearms laws
tend to have fewer murders with guns
than states with weak firearms laws and
they tend to have lower over-all murder
rates.

of American soldiers on leave from Viet
nam and theyre all balling every Thai
chick they can get their hands on. The
same guys would go off thei
they ever saw an Orient

h a white chick in

aps, because the white
American is so hung up sexually, imag-
ining that the men of all other races are
getting his share of sex, since he isn’
getting it himself, this exp!

ion on Violence.
5. Williams
FPO San Francisco,

THE QUALITY OF MERCY
In the August Playboy Forum, Her-
bert Kay implies that the opinions ex-
pressed in your publication concer
pital pu е one-sided. He
wonders what the answers would be
you “interviewed families of the murder
cuims and asked what they would
want done.”
stmas Eve, my father was
pointlessly murdered in his office in Van
Nuys, pnia, by a stranger with an
imagined grievance. My father died after
being shot three times. It is doubtful that
my mother will ever recover completely
nd certainly Christmas will now be a
time of sorrow rather than a happy oc-
ion.
Neither my mother nor I wanted the
death penalty for the killer, who was
captured within a week, tried, convicted
and returned to prison, We hope that he
will remain permanently removed from
society. He is sick and his sickness is fa
tal to others. Demanding revenge makes
no more sense than demanding the
death of a typhoid carrier simply because
id his sickness can be fatal
We would have been happy
to exchange the life of the murderer [or
the life of my father; but it doesn't work
that way, does it?

California

Mrs. Pat Tritsch
Phoenix, Arizona

CAPITAL PUNISHMENT
Herbert Kay. whose father was beat-
en to death by thieves, opposes the abo-
lition of capital punishment and attacks
the leniency of our courts (The Playboy
Forum, August). Paradoxically, one of
the men who may be considered most
responsible for interpreting the Consti-
tution liberally is Earl Warren, whose
father was also brutally beaten to death
Janet Cooper
Boston, Massachusett:

DESERVING DEATH

While reading J, R. R. Tolkien's The
Fellowship of the Ring, I encountered a
passage that is the ultima argument
against capital punishment

Deserves [death]! I daresay he
does. Many that live deserve death.
And some that die deserve lile. Can.

7

PLAYBOY

72

you give it to them? Then do not be
too eager to deal out death in judg-
ment. For even the very wise cannot
see all ends.

Michael Hunt
Ukiah, California

DRAFT RESISTANCE
Draft resisters such as Dennis Riordan
(The Playboy Forum, May) are co
geous men, even if the great majority
of people call them cowards. One who is
k the anger of his parents.
the scorn of his friends, the contempt of
society and a five-year prison term—all
for a ter of cons
as brave as а
though I shall soon enter the Army.
Tim Mountdemüt
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma

THE MILITARY MIND.

1 would like to express my dissent
from the June Playboy Forum letter
titled “A Soldier's Conscience” The
author takes exception to the execution
of a captured spy by South Viciname
Brigadier General Nguyen Ngoc Loan,
wrongly terming it a п of the
Geneva Convention. In Vietnam, as in
Il wars since the dawn of time, a spy
has been considered the lowest form of
enemy and is subject to immediate execu-
tion upon capture. The National Liber:
tion Front officer executed by General
Loan was wearing civilian clothes and
for that reason was considered a spy and
treated as such. It was the legal execution
of a spy rather than a “brutal murder”
that was photographed on the streets of
gon during the Viet Cong Tet ойс
ive.

John P. Shinnick
FPO New York, New York
You are mistaken. The Geneva Con-
vention Relalive to the Treatment of.
Prisoners of War of August 12, 1919,
makes no special exemption for spies
and includes the following protections
for all prisoners of war:

Tn no circumstances whatever shall
a prisoner of war be tried by a court
of any kind that does not offer the
essential guarantees of independence
and impartiality as generally recog-
nized, and, in particular, the proce-
dure of which does not afford the
accused the rights and means of
defense... .

No prisoner of war may be tried
or sentenced for an act that is not
forbidden by the law of the De-
taining Power or by international
law, in force at the time the said
асі was committed. . . .

No prisoner of war may be con-
uicled without having had an op-
portunity (o present his defense
and the assistance of a qualified
advocate or counsel.

General Loan's one-man, street-coruer

court violated all these provisions and
several others also; his action was illegal.

GUN CONTROL

The discussion of violence in America
that has appeared in The Playboy Forum
sadly becomes more and more timely and
important. One means of curtailing the
irreparable damage done by violence
gun-control legislation. I'd like to point
out a few facts that pertain to this ques-
tion.

England's policemen do not normally
amy guns; and last year, England and
Wales, which have 25 percent of the popu-
lation the U.S. has, had only 45 murders
by guns. Carl Bakal writes, in The Right
to Bear Arms, "Of all the 400,000 crimi-
nals arrested in England and Wales over
a recent three-year period, only 159 were
carrying guns.” Japan, with half of Ameri-
саз population, has stringent gun control.
and had only 45 gun murders in 1967.
In 1966 in the United States, there were
552 murders by guns. According to the
Uniform Crime Report, the U.S. һо
cide rate is 5.6 per 100,000 people, far
her than in any industri ion
that has strict gun laws.

A Gallup Poll has found that almost
75 percent ol the Amer
ports tougher gun legislation.
Senator Kennedy's a
sional mail was running very һе
favor of stronger firearm controls, Con-
gress, however, had not enacted a new gun
law in the 3U years belore passing the
present watered-down version, which was
р of the President's Omnibus Crime

Control bill. This is because, despite mas-
sive public support of gun-control legi
lation, the opponents of such laws are
well-organized, vocal minority that regu
larly deluges Congressmen with mail
when а gun proposed. The only
way to combat this pressure is forall con-
cerned citizens to write to their elected
representatives, write repeatedly and
urge all their friends to do likewise. Ob-
viously, mil has ап influence. Anyone
who fails to make use of this means of
reaching those in office will have to bear
part of the responsibility if we don't get
tougher gun Jaws.

Edward Burns, Jr
San Pablo, Califor

SPIKING THE GUNS

We are two young New Yorkers, one
a real-estate broker, the other a lawyer.
who have started an organization of citi-
zens to seek effective legislative control
of the sale, possession and usc of firearms.
"The group is called RECOIL and was
formed because we feel, first, that the
great majority of Americans are in favor
of effective firearms controls and, second,
that because this majority is not organ-
ed into any cohesive force, its gr
potential voice is being buried by the
well-organized gun lobby, We believe

8
that if those millions of citizens could be

motivated to express their views to their
legislators, it would hasten the enactment
of effective gun laws.

We have proposed to our members a
letter-writing campaign that would re-
quire each person to write not only to
his Congressman but also to ten or more
of his friends, urging them to do the
same. Each of these would carry on the
campaign with ten additional friends,
nd so on. By making this a personal
ppeal, by aiming our letters outside
New York State and by providing each
letter writer with a complete kit of in-
structions and materials, we believe tli
effort can pyramid to several million let-
ters in a fairly short time.

James A. Austrian
ion Marks

New York, New York

GUNS AND VIRILITY
The writers of the motion picture
Bonnie and Clyde showed shrewd psy-
chological insight in portraying gun nut
Clyde Barrow as impotent, Men who
are obsessed with guns are men who have
taken up pistols and rifles as substitutes
for their pathetic, malfunctioning penises.
A man who is truly virile doesn't have
to prove it by waving a fake phallus in
the form of a manufactured weapon
rom my own experience and in com-
paring notes with other women, the facts
are plain: Gun nuts make lousy lovers.
Barbara Rurik
Chicago, Шіп

FUZZ VS. HAIR
A letter in the July Playboy Forum
accurately to
s of the law" and to their tendency
10 usc unwarranted brutality against mi-
nority and unconventional groups. Му

own experience bears this out. I'm a 99.

year-old musician. Recently, while on the
toad, one of the members of my group
arrested on a charge—later dropped
—of nonsupport. Upon his arrival at the
jail, his head was completely shaved
Shortly afterward, another musician and
1 nied to visit him. We were met by
deputy, who said, "I don't want you long-
haired bastards in my jail.” We left with-
out argument.

When we returned to post bond for
our friend, we encountered the same
deputy, who proceeded to rail at us, call-
ing us every dirty name possible. I admit
that I had more than I could take and I
called him a “goddamned old buzzard.”
We went back to our and were
about to lcave when he ne out of
the jail, pointing an automatic rifle at
us. He ordered us into the jail, sa
that if we made one wrong move, he'd
"blow our nn heads off." He scarched
us, taking all of our personal belongings,
and then placed us under arrest’ for

(continued on page 178)

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PLAYBOY

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navsor wrewvew: DON RICKLES

a candid conversation with the asp-tongued “mr. warmth?

With the following probe into the
poisonous psyche of comedian Don
Rickles, the checkered career of our inter-
viewer this month, the intrepid Sol Wein-
stein, hits an all-time low. Undaunted by
the hate mail in response to his demented
“Playboy Interview” with Woody Allen
(May 1967), the cockamamie creator of
that one-man blintzkrieg Israel Bond
(whose superspy misadventures premiered
in rLAYBOY) foolishly accepted our assign-
ment—he was the only one who'd take
it—to confront “The Merchant of Ven-
om" in his lair at Las Vegas’ Sahara
Hotel. When his wounds had healed, Sol
sent us this report C. O. D.—scrawled
in body paint on the torso of a topless
waitress:

“I lounged on the lawn of Twin
Hangnails, my ancestral estate in Levit-
town, Pennsylvania, chuckling fondly
whilst my beloved dog, Mimi, part Saint
Bernard, part Chihuahua, nibbled on a
new Alpo mixture fast gaining favor
among our furry friends because it
tastes like a maibnan's ankle. My daugh-
ter sat entranced at the activities of
her 1909-model Barbie and Ken dolls,
which, because they came accoutered
with a full array of battery-powered
working parts, were teaching her all
she'd ever need lo know about the facts
of life, Stooping over his mother's flower
bed, my typical suburban son deftly
plucked an azalea here, a jonquil there,
to afford the sun and rain a clear shot at
his Cannabis garden. In a hammock re-
clined the fair Mrs. Weinstein, knitting
a sampler, LOVE LEVITTOWN,

нлюнт

“Hefner's idea of а stag film is ‘Bambi?
He nudged me while it was playing one
night and cried, ‘Look, Don! The deer is
running from the forest fire!’ His brother
had to keep explaining the story line.”

ASHBURY, and humming the catchy
score from Ingmar Bergman's ‘The Si-
lence’ Such was the bucolic bonhomie
of this lazy-daisy day when the accursed
phone биттей inside. "Its PLAYBOY call-
ing, Stallion Thighs, chirped my missus.
"Wonder who the interviewee is this
trip? I mused. Sonny Tufts? Judge
Crater?

“On came the same hard-nosed
rLavuoy editor who'd dispatched me on
Woody Allen's trail in 1967. He spat
two words into the receiver, heard my
audible gulp and added, in а softer
voice, PLAYBOY, of course, will furnish
you full combat pay plus a week's R
and R in Sun City"

“The phone tumbled from my hand; 1
turned. albino-white. Recovering myself,
I grilled my gums, snarled and punched
my wife in the mouth, yanked the bow!
from Mimi's slavering jaws and sent
her off yapping with a brutal kick,
pushed my son into a thombush and
broke my daughters heart by tearing
Barbie and Ken apart at the moment of
truth.

“For the love of heaven; whimpered
the wife through a shattered $1000. per-
iodontia job, *whal's come over you?

“When I went on the Woody assign.
ment, I got into an appropriate mood by
thinking small. Now I've been asked to
interview Don Rickles!

“My brood began to chant the Kad-
dish, the Hebraic prayer for the dead.
The ever-practicnl Mrs. Weinstein dou-
bled my life inusurance and made a hasty
arrangement 40 connect with a lover,

маъ

“For my ТУ series, we took the best from
"The Gale Storm Show; ‘Lamp unto My
Feet; "The Hollywood Squares and
L.B. J's farewell speech to his troops and
unified them into a veritable laff riot.”

Specifying that the employment agency
send over any gamehee per named Mellors.
“Of course, the Rickles job meant that
once again I would have to postpone a
series of big-league projects in order to
satisfy Hefner's sadistic caprice: (a) my
screenplay for Sam Katzman about a
teeny-bopper’s hopeless love for a robot.
‘Gidget Balls Gad, (in a tragic final
scene, he dics of rust); (b) my novel of
a Middle Earth nun, ‘Hobbit Kicks the
Habil; (c) а bonanza from the sale of
a naked photo of Raul Castro to
parts for use as a gatefold; (d) my bril-
Папу reasoned treatise for the U.S.
Public Health Service in which I proved
an irrefutable causal link between stand-
ing on ground zero at an H-bomb test
and death; and (e) my offer ta labor at
the side of Dr. Christiaan Barnard on
the world’s first soul transplant, Ray
Charles’ into George Wallace’s.

“The next day's post brought a plane
ticket (one way) from PLAYBOY. some
publicity stills showing Rickles dropping
napalm on Disneyland and а copy of the
(утап? bestselling Warner7 LP, ‘Hello
Dummy” 1 had seen many a contro-
versial album labeled “хот SUITABLE
FOR AIR PLAY,’ bul never one that ad.
monished "NOY SUITABLE FOR PLAY ANY-
WHERE.’ Nevertheless, I slapped it onto
my phonograph, which slapped me back,
and I then listened in fear and trembling
to a scathing half hour of ethnic invec-
tive. But before the first side had hissed
to a close, the machine pressed its reject
button and self-destructed. Unfortunate-
ly, Га also left my window open during

“1 put the Sahara Hotel on the map. Be-
fore I came here, they had thrilling
lounge acts like Milo Waslewski and His
Accordioneltes, featuring Wanda Krop-
nik, the first topless eggsucker.”

75

PLAYBOY

76

the audition; a forest of FOR SALE signs
cropped up throughout the neighbor-
hood as I packed my suitcase.

“So il was on to Vegas and the Sahara
via а blushing-pink, highly seductive
Braniff jet (which was attacked in mid-
air over Nashville by a randy TWA
707). After wolfing down a delicious
Draniff platter of baked storm window, I
dug іпіо the authorized biography о]
Rickles supplied by Grove Press.

“Born in Jackson Heights, New York,
to a solidly middle-class couple who'd
owned their own janitor, I learned,
Rickles had overcome his initial ‘shyness’
by involving himself in scholastic theat-
ri , the lead in Victor Herbert's ‘The
Red Mill? the classic operetta about a
Communist take-over of a Social Demo-
crat granary. After graduation from New-
town High School with a diploma in
license-plate manufacture, he had spent
his semen first class with the Navy in the
Philippines during World War Two, al-
ternating between fighting the Japanese
and writing continuity for Tokyo Rose's
nightly broadcasts.

^ His post War training ground in com-
edy was ‘the toilets,’ those tenth-rate
night clubs—such as Filopowicz’ Hawai-
ian Paradise in Hamtramck, Michigan—
that have served as the compost heap
for thousanils of flowering showbiz ca-
reers. Then came a prominent booking
at the famed Slate Brothers Club in
L.A. as а last-minute replacement for
another comic, who had become violent-
ly stricken after receiving a box of Girl
Scout cookies from Rickles. In the au-
dience that first night was Frank Sina-
tra, who found himself the target of
Rickles sniping: ‘Hi, Frank! Remember
the good old days when you had a
voice? For reasons best known to him-
self, Sinatra instantly became a Rickles
nul, began lo drag im his Rat Pack
nightly to boost attendance. Soon the
neltlesome New Yorker was a ranking
raja of the hale set and all of show
business was thronging the joint for the
right to be lashed by Rickles’ forked
tongue. Realizing he'd fallen into the
sight bag, Don has been excoriating his
auditors ever since.

“It took nine years, however, before
the TV tycoons became sufficiently
courageous to spring the sulphuric Rick-
les wit on unsuspecting home audi-
ences. After debuting on the Johnny
Carson show and demolishing the host,
he soon became a familiar fright wig on
TV's other big variety shows—Jory Bish-
op's, Mero Griffin's, Mike Douglas’, etc.,
and he hit the heights of hostility in
a memorable 13-minute stint on ‘The
Dean Martin Show" last year, castigat-
ing a gaggle of gagging celebrities
who'd been invited by the thoughtful
Martin for the express purpose of having
their carcers destroyed before 30,000,000
viewers.

“Rickles confreres in the night-club

fraternity have since bestowed the warm-
est accolades upon him at numerous
"rade" fetes. Among them were Joe E.
Lewis, the famed Aristotle of the Bottle,
who croaked: ‘Don Rickles is in a class
by himself—because decent people won't
associate with him’; and Jack E. Leon-
ard, who accuses Rickles of ‘doing my
act so long l'm going (o make a citizen’s
arrest.” But perhaps the most effusive
encomium came from Jackie Kannon,
no slouch in the venom league himself:
“Don Rickles has given diarrhea an ex-
citing new egress.’ Firmly established as
the Torquemada of the tongue, Rickles
now fronts his own half-hour show each
Friday night on ABC-TV, is co-hosting a
number of "Kraft Music Hall’ specials
and has been promised that his face will
soon grace a stamp—North Vietnamese.

“When I met him in Vegas, Rickles
was packing them in—personally, with
the help of a cattle prod—at the Sahara's
Casbar Theater. One glance at the bullet-
headed bawd ramming his jack boots
onto the stage, and occasionally onto a
singsiders hand, convinced me that
someone had cut Mussolini down from
the rope and infuscd him with a second,
even more heinous existence, Indced, as
Rickles thrust out his belligerent jaw, a
column of Fascisti rolled their tanks
through the crowd, weeding out defec-
tives for shipment to a labor camp.

“His press agent had guaranteed me
un interview at poolside; so the follow-
ing afternoon, 1 waddled through a field
of strewn-about keno losers to the star's
webbed feet and kneeled in obeisance,
as is the custom, while he munched
angrily on a chef's salad.

"Cheap bastards; rasped the satrap
of the Sahara. ‘I ask them for Thousand
Island dyessing and they give me nine
hundred and sixty-three islands.’ Fling-
ing the plate into the waiter's face, he
snarled, ‘Tell Del Webb I hope his next
hotel is built on a mine field in Syria.”

“The beauteous Mrs. Rickles, who sat
beside him, flashed a look that said, ‘He
really isn't this way all the time’; where
upon, Rickles proffered his right hand to
me in greeting, while he dumped hot
coffee onto my leg with his left. 1 looked
back at Mrs. Rickles, whose despairing
eyes said, ‘I guess he really is that way
all the time.

“Before he would agree to the inter-
view, he insisted оп a set of precondi-
lions that seemed reasonable enough.
He would squat under a huge umbrella,
his feet in a bucket of ice, while I would
lie staked out in the 115-degree Vegas sun
and howl in merriment each time he
dropped a colony of sauba ants into my
navel, which he had smeared with Smuck-
er's quince jelly. Satisfied of my cagerness
to please, Rickles showed his fangs in a
mirthless smile and spake thusly.”

RICKLES: You have 15 minutes, dummy.
I shall grant a few additional moments

if you don't prove to be a complete
idiot, and perhaps as long as half an
hour if you amuse me.

ir enough, Don. Why don't
we begin by.

RICKLES: What's with this “Don”
Since when did you become an eq
It’s Mister Rickles to you. And what's
with this "wc"? All I sce is onc blinking,
chewing litle spy writer from Levit-
ally needs to conduct a
view with a superstar to
And who's that

bii?

dwarf with the
PLAYBOY; That's our Japanese-
American photographer. Пе just wants

a few candid shots of you while

we talk.

RICKLES: OK—but what's he got in that
case, photos of direct hits on Pearl Har-
bor? Tell him to kiss my Sessue Haya-
kawa.

PLAYBOY: Mr. Rickles, we'd like to start
ر‎

Rickies: Did anybody exer tell you that
you have exciting shoulders?

PLAYBOY: You're the first guy to com-
ment on them. Shall we get on with the
interview?

RICKLES: You really need this, don’t you,
kid? You desperately want to halt your
downslide back to oblivion, right?
PLAYBOY: Well. . . .

RICKIES: Then blow in my ear. Would
you like to call me “Don”
PLAYBOY: It would certainly make for a
friendlier dialog.

RICKIES: Then do it. Say, did anyone
ever tell you that you have a finely
turned pair of ankles? I par ly
the way your vei and out when you
arch your instep, just like the tribut
of the Amazon gleaming in the midday
sun. You're a bewitching boy—but I de-
aminess emanating from
wt bigspender Heiner
give you enough to buy a decent deo-
dorant?

PLAYBOY: As a matter of record,
aroma is glish Leather.

RICKLES: You must have gotten it from
Lord Cornwallis’ saddle at the Battle of
Yorktown. And that ag n
looks like it was cut from a casing on
Hebrew National S;
PLAYBOY: Don, we——

RICKLES: I've ned you once.

PLAYBOY: Bur you said we could call you
Don.

that

RICKLES: That was before I got downwind
from you.

PLAYBOY: OK, Mr. Rickles. We'd like to
begin by

RICKLES: Before we go any further, I'd
like to tell you that I've read your 1.
Bond spy stories in PLavnoy, a
Fleming you're not. You're not even an
Irving Fleming.

PLAYBOY: Since you'd like to get personal,
we've caught your act, and we've h
funnier material on a sinking lileboat.
RICKLES: Let me have that stubby, gnawed

If you could put
Tareytons charcoal filter
on your cigarette, youd have
a better cigarette.

Activated
charcoal filter. FS

PLAYBOY

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pencil of yours for
to mark this down: "Semiunknown spy
writer flattens big-time super-Jew with
devastating put-down. thus grabbing a
onetonothing lead in the top of the
first.” Go ahead.

PLAYBOY: For wears, the moguls of the
television industry shied away from you.
Why?

RICKLES: I had one major problem. I was
hilarious wherever I perlormed. They
had a cardinal rule on TV: Who needs
laughter? They prelerred 10 see some
guy on a game show hi a buzzer and cor-
rectly identily the days of the week in
order, thus winning three weeks in Bor-
neo. On one of those shows 1 won the

second. I just want

rip, but who can foxtrot with a Pygmy?
Speaking of Pygmies. I knew right away
Fd have wouble selling myself when 1
met the powers that be in the television
industry; they were dressed in Robert
Hall suits, Thom MecAn поса and
Tshirts without sleeves, and they had
these tiny pimples on the bucks of their
necks. Their biggest hick was geuing up
at five A.M. to watch the daily farm re-
ports and shouting, “Oh, look. Abner!
"The heifer is making do-do on the sow!
Whoopee!”

PLAYBOY: What prompted the
that’s made you опе of
medium's hottest attractions?
RICKLES: Somebody at one of these TV
ncies came up with a wild new con-
cept He called it "talent" They hanged
him at high noon on a scaffold in Rocke-
feller Plaza lor such blasphemy, but it
did help me cack through at last.
PLAYBOY: You've scored resoundingly on
all the variety shows. What kind of rela
tionship do you have with the various
hosts?

RICKLES: L h Johnny Carson,
who's a peachy guy. I had dinner at his
home one night; he made us all sit on

break-
the

the floor and shuck corn. Those Midwest
guys never forget their taproots. The
lust time 1 ever saw Johnny in swim

trunks, 1 enrolled him in a Borscht Belt
health club; a substantial Jewish meal
has saved more than one gentile comic
from Mike Do
charming fellow, too. Runs a real whole-
some, family-type operation. 1 spent
day in his dressing room sewing name
tags on his shorts so һе could go to sum-
p. and 1 gave him some animal
crac t on the train. Mike's an
ех-Кау Kyser band singer who used to
perform оп those remote broadcasts
hom hotels in Pittsburgh during the
golden days of radio. The announcer
would say, “And Mike Douglas
steps to the microphone to ask the musi-
cal question . nd Mike would for-
get the question. No matter what the
leader had scheduled, he'd sing Ramona.
Recently, I've started appearing with
Merv Griffin, another ex-band singer,

malnutrition, glas is a

ers to

now,

whose only hit record was Гое Got a
Lovely Bunch of Cocoanuts, which gives
you an indication of his musical tastes

Merv used 10 sit in a high chair above
the Freddy Martin band, banging his
spoon and screaming, “I want my Fa-
rina, 1 want my Farina!” Jm generally

forced to spend an hour with him be-
fore cach show convincing him that he's
tall. His fondest memento is a daguerreo
type taken of him in the company of
Blue Barron, Shep Fields and Hary
Hoick at a Lawrence Welk barbecue,
watching Harry James’ lip ро bad
PLAYBOY: Are you аз fond of Joey Bishop?
RICKLES: Occasionally. Joey nods to me.
staris to engage me іп conversation
then decides he'd better not, because I
might make him Laugh and then his jaw
would crack. Seriously, though, 1 hate to
admit it, but Joey has definitely eclipsed
me as a stn With his new country-and-
western album. When I sce him, Vil have
to give him a bucket of grits.

PLAYBOY: You're well acquainted with
most of the funnymen in this business.
Who, in your opinion, are the genuine
powerhouse comics?

RICKLES: Jack Haskell, Regis Philbin and.
Strom Thurmond. With a possibility of

their being joined by Bud Collyer, “Mr
One Liner.”
PLAYBOY: This TV scason, you're co-

hosting some specials on the Kraft Music
Hall. Since Kraft. has somewhat of a
conservative image, why do vou think
they decided to engape your services?
RICKLES: Probably because I was very
impressive in my interview with produc-
crs Dwight Hemion and Gary Smith. I
wore a dark, conservative suit with a
Reagan button, Florsheim shoes and, in-
stead of a hanky in my breast pocket,
grilled-cheese sandwich. And I was hum-
the Parkay margarine song. One of
Kraft shows will feature Alan
a delightlul performer who has
the suburbs what Nasser
for Egypt. Also with me will be
Arnold, who secretly fathered all
Sons of the Pioneers.

PLAYBOY: Many critics thought your ap-
pearance on the list Emmy Awards
show saved it from being a complete
bomb. Did you agrec?

Rickles: Compleicly. If Fd been in
charge, there would have been some
drastic changes in the format. I would
have done 90 minutes of cute patter,
mailed everybody their awards and then
shown a test partern. 1 don't know how
interested some guy in Fort Wayne is in
- pet an Emmy for the
bet cable pulling during а Miss Uni-
verse telecast, the best bulb screwing,
the best drawing of Charlie Brown by а
Czechoslovakian illustrator or the sexiest
lighting for an Excedrin commercial.
And they waste so much time on the
mmy show.
the West Coast moderator, who into-
duces the East Coast moderator. Then

these
King.

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did
ddy
the

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the West Coast moderator and the East
Coast moderator spend five minutes in-
troducing themselves to the announcer,
who proceeds to introduce the caterer,
who introduces the headwaiter and ul-
timately the guy who dunks the wi
at the steam table.
PLAYBOY: There was some talk that your
own performance in a Run for Your
Life segment last season might win you
an Emmy, but this never panned out.
Why?
RICKLES: Because my competition wasn’t
у the three top

as entered in my cate-

gory. I was promised a consolation prize,
though. If anybody dropped his Ешшу,
Iw: in line for the pieces. The

statuette is supposed to be a high-priced,
gold-plated creation designed especi:
for the Emmy show, but when I
п Dyke knocking his against the wall
to get attention, І knew it couldn't be
worth much. The brass inscription fell
off, and underneath it I saw the words,
"Fo You. Claudete Colbert, for Your
Stunning Performance in 2 Happened
One Night

But І did enjoy working with Ben
Сашага on Run for Your, Life, and
I've given his producer a perfect way to
extend the series. The doctor says to the
doomed Paul Br We've made а
horrible mistake a

"Thursday for
n do

fumi.
nother 39 weeks.”
interview is going
nt to waste

tion and you
Incidentally, kid, this
on too long and it's too brill
on a clod like Hefner. Screw him. Ler's
sell it to Olympia Press as à dirty book.
PLAYBOY: "hat's twice you've maligned

Hefner. What have you got against him?
RICKLES: You wouldn't print it if I told
you.

PLAYBOY: Соте, now, Don, pravmov is
nothing if not fair.
RICKLES: І agree with the first part of
that statement.

PLAYBOY: How can you be so vindictive,
when Hef had you as his personal guest
at the Mansion?

RICKLES: Hef had me as his guest for one
иней to play trick or treat
with me in the dark. Did you ever see
Heíner in heat? It reminds me of a
melting Fudgsicle flanked by two jelly
beans. He wouldn't e me alone all
the nights I stayed there. Kept sneaking
into my room with those hot, lovesick
Methodist eyes boring into mine. Want-
ed to know if I'd like my pillow flufled
up, offered to rub Ben-Gay into my
tummy. What a weirdo. When he isn’t
making passes at his guests, he sits
around that meshuganah Mansion all day

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It doesn’t necessarily mean that

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Consider if you will, the most fa-
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Since 1820, Beefeater has been
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taste. To the fastidious, Beefeater is the
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Beefeater’s identifiable excellence

is due in no small part to the personal
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Beefeater is the only gin in London pro-
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in those brown pajamas, writing about
the sex life of a guppy. The man is
definitely bananas. He must be a gay
dog at W. C. T. U. meetings. To be frank
with you, I didn't find it amusing when
he put a rubber band on his ass and
kept telling me. “I'm an airplane, Don
Make me take off!" And that bedroom
of his, It looks like a Polish janitor's. He
keeps jumping up, grabbing oily rags
and polishing the trophy he won from
Good Housekeeping for installing
“dancing waters” fountain in his bidet
I personally think that any guy who
hangs around Bunnies all day should be
retired to a carrot farm.

PLAYBOY; Why shouldn't Hef hang
around with Bunnies?

RICKLES: He claims he’s too intellectual
too high-principled to molest these un
fort tes, but I've seen his bathroom
towels marked nis and ners and HERS
and Heks and ners and. . . .

PLAYBOY: That ran once as a PLAYBOY
cartoon. Hef has wondered
where you get your material. Have you
ever been privileged to attend any of his
famous Sunday-night movie screenings at
the Mansi

What a thrill. He still
Jolin Boles is big in the business.
Hef's idea of a stag film is Bambi, He
nudged me in the ribs while it was pl
ing one night and cried, “Look, Don
The decr is r ng from thc forest
fir His brother had to keep =
plamıng the story line to him, and tha
in, because his brother is a
y puck. These Sunday-night movic
sessions generally wind up with a festi-
1 of rib-splitting cartoons. I must say
a tlle dis g to sce Hugh M
Hefner, Playboy of the Western World.
sex symbol of America's heartland, run-
ning around hitting his nose against the
walnut pane g, ^ Ha-ha-
ha-ha, ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! It's the Woody
Woodpecker son, Now I'm told he's
sunk some of his ill-gotten lucre into a
gigantic Playboy resort in Lake Geneva.
Wisconsin. which is so square it's been
turned down by Shriners’ conventions,
He can't even get the Holiday Inn
crowd.

PLAYBOY: Have you ever been given a
tour of the Woo Grotto downstairs at
the Mansio:
RICKLES: That's where old Bunnies go to
drown at the advanced ages of 20
21, when Hef doesn’t want them

more. When I visited the Woo Grotto,
Lon Chaney was crawling around with
his Phantom of the Opera make-up still
on. And once in

le, you'd sec a

PLAYBOY: Did Hel play his 520,000 stereo
rig lor you?

RICKLES: He spent 20 big ones just so
he can pick up reruns of Don McNeill's
Breakfast Club without static. He keeps
the volume up so high you'd think he in-
vited Johnny Belinda for lunch. But he

Mother warned me...

that there would be men like you driving
cars like that. Do you really think you
can get to me with that long, low,

tough machine you just rolled up in?
Ha! If you think a girl with real values is
impressed by your air conditioning and

Watch AFL football and the Bob Hope Comedy Specials on NBC-TV.

stereo... а 440 Magnum, whatever that
- . well—it takes more than cushy

bucket seats to make me flip. Charger

R/T SE. Sounds like alphabet soup.

Frankly, I’m attracted to you because

you have a very intelligent face.

My name's Julia.

у the fun... catch

83

PLAYBOY

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doesn’t even listen; he usually spends
the day up in his office answer
from subscribers, those typ
"Dear Hel: Im а лоок
having an affair with an
this wrong?” And Hef always answer
"Not if the anteater is a consenting
adult.”

PLAYBOY: Why are you painting such an

atering portrait of Не?

Are you kidding? Those are his
bener points, Let me tell you about
some of his less charming qualities—like
he lets his porridge drip down
when he eats, the disgusting
noise he makes when he sucks his Oval-
tine through а Flavor-straw, the tantrums
he throws when his valet won't lift him
on his “horsie.” On top of that, I happen
10 know that Hefner purs silicone in

is malteds to make his breasts harder,
1 could go on, but I don't want to

emi ss him.
PLAYBOY: lhats verv thoughtful. May
we change the subject now?

RICKLES: Not till I tell vou this theory Т
have about Hefner. I think he and How-
«| Hughes are one and the same.
PLAYBOY: This is a serious charge. Can
you support it?

RICKLES: Have you ever scen both of

them together? They never in
public. They have the same initials, They
is ble

aterprises. They both wear white sneak-
1 like to consummare big business
at the bottom of abandoned zinc
And they both subsidize Holy
хаз. I rest my

mines.
Roller sects in Lubbock, Т

case.
PLAYBOY: Do yor
has done nothing for soci
RICKLES: Well. during World War One,
he did block doughboys’ hats.

PLAYBOY: If we didn't know you better,
we'd think you didirt like him.

RICKLES: That's not entirely true. We did
have mel of fun once when we
Handwrestled one night, but he started
to weep when I broke his pipe. Up uni
then, he thoug was Popeye. With a
hody like his. he needs all the spinach he
cm get. Incidentally, do 1 get a free
subscription to the magazine for con-
senting to this interview?
PLAYBOY: You'll be lucky to get a copy
of the intervie
RICKLES: Tell your peerless leader I hope
he gets rhino fungus in any areas he
considers important 10 his manhood—or
his womanhood, as the case may be.
PLAYBOY: Let's get off this sour-grapes.
knock-Hefner kick. You know he could
ruin you if he wanted to.

RICKLES: The only thi
тий is а rug, if he drooled on it.
PLAYBOY: Lets talk about that famous
minute shot on The Dean Martin
Show that alienated not only Helner

g Hefner could

but the entire entertainment industry.
Are you grateful to Dean for that
opportuni

Rickles; Nor reilly. He didn't even
know I was on the show. When we
were introduced, he thought 1 was
Levenson. All he said to me was. “Bring
me more ice, more ice." Dean's lovable.
1 right. but it's tough to be with h
You get seasick trying to talk to him on
an angle. And it's dificult to make your-
self heard over the pop] of «
His idea of fun would be to be aba
doned the Mojave Desert with Ar-
nold Palmer, playing putt and pitch. It
was kicks, however, to needle all the
celebrities that Martin's staff had packed
the audience with—cspecially Pat Boone,
who «ied so hard he inadvertently
deaned his white bucks.

PLAYBOY: On the strength of that suc-
cess, ABC assigned you to your own
Don Rickles Show. How did you seule
on a format?

RICKLES: We took the best elements from
The Gale Storm Show, Lamp unto My
Feet, The Hollywood Squares and Lyn-
don Johnson's farewell speech to his
troops and unified them into a veritable
Ialt riot. If it doesn't turn out that wav
you can contact me at die Charley
Grapewin Home for Actors, Probably
ncither you nor Hef owns a TV set, so if
you want to watch me on Friday nights,
go down to Sears and have th.
one on for you. I do an opening mono
Jog, then talk with five or six people who
have oddball occupations—like the Man
from Glad or a professional nose groom
er—or somebody who's connected in
some weird way with a big star, like
tris dentist or Sammy Davis rabbi or
Don Adams" tclephoneshoe repairman.
Each week it'll be something diflerent, a
heckle session, or a sketch, or a stunt.
Ill be a loose format that will enable
me to be constantly brilliant. My head
т. Pat McCormick, is assisted by
Eddie Reider, Frankie Ray and Jack
Riley, who used to be the gag writers
on Sermonette,

PLAYBOY: It would scem you've reached
the pinnacle in television. Do you have
any desires as yet unfulfilled in show
business?

RICKLES: Well, I have my own TV show:
my album Hello Dummy! is a red
hot I own a few apartment
houses; | make a tremendous weekly
stipend; ГИ be moving soon from the

Sahara's Casbar Theater to the hotel's
main room, the Congo, with a 12-figure,
three contract—or is it a tiree

figure, 12-year contrac?—and Гус just
been named a Presidential advisor on
comedy. Maybe now, just maybe, they'll
consider me worthy enough to be the
host on the Hollywood Palace. It could
happen very soon—if Guy Madison and
John Forsythe drop out.

PLAYBOY: One of your biggest boosters
has been Don Adams, star of Get Smart.
What do you think of him?
RICKLES: He's one of my dearest fri

4 | THE

P | WATERPROOF
BOURBON

Antique has a lot going for it. Rare,

à rewarding aroma you can't drown by

3 mixing. Rich, nutty flavor that

f won't be watered down. That's why

Е The Waterproof Bourbon is a source
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Pe T3 &NTUCIY sj IGHT BOURBON WHISKEY • 86 PROOF • 6 YEARS OLD
E m Y "A RANKFORT DIST|LLINGWO., LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY:
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а NT Wi Y

PLAYBOY

86

but I wish he'd stop kissing my ring:
it loosens the stone. Some guys wor-
shiped Mantle, Gehrig, Williams; Гуе
always been Don's idol. It’s a terrible
bore, but every so often I break down
nd spend an evening with him, strictly
a mercy mission. He always wants to.
play spin the bottle or pink belly, but 1
tell him to grow up: so we usually go
out and roll a crippled newsboy.
PLAYBOY: Frank Sinatra had much to do
ith your early success. Why does he

wi
brook insults from you that he wouldn't.
e from any other comedian?

RICKLES: He knows I have complete
prints of Johnny Сопсһо and The Kiss-
mg Bandit in my vault and that I
can arrange to have them run on any
Saturday Night at the Movies, thus
ding him back into limbo forever

Did you sce Frank in those flicks? For
y a bad nam
And I have other holds on him. I know

for a fact he's a virgin and that the big-
ick he gets is touching the
ny mother's chicken soup.
That's how he gets in heat.

PLAYBOY: Your act and your private con
e studded with that phrase,
in heat." Why?

RICKLES: Don't knock it if you haven't
tried it. And in your case, I don't think
you have. The last sexual expericncc
you had was in а laundry hamper with
wet towels on top of v c me that
pencil back: “Super-Jew floors slope-
browed interviewer with roundhouse
right to the groin. overcoming deficit to
grab two-to-one lead going into the top
of the third."

PLAYBOY: That was a foul blow. Gerti
k to Sinatra
RICKLES: When you
do you always Ке
knee?

PLAYBOY: You're not concentr:
intervie
RICKLES: Forget the interview. Keep it
up and ГИ gutb you by the ankles and
ke а wish.

PLAYBOY: Getting back to Sin: y
ing his Rat Pack to your café per
(es he gave big
just as
s Sinatra. [Rickles insisted on
tion as a condition of his per
to publish the interview—Ed.]
considered forming your own

nterview somebody,
» your hand on his

gon the

your cà

shot iu th
towering

Ito answer your
next question—Helner’s not going to be
а membe
PLAYBOY: Who will be?

RICKLES: My second in command will be
of Criswell Predicts, who told
е that, according to his astrological
calculations, Mount Everest. will not be
climbed this year by a cardiac patient
Also in ng will be Huntz Hall,
Jane Withers, Snooky Lanson and Pat
Nixon. Our coui T will be “Scat

the

man" Caruther

and Frank Sinatra, Jr.,
wants desperately to be our technical ad-
or. We plan to dash about in a gay.
insane social whirl, speeding from White
Tower Restaurant to Howard. Johnson’
in a fleet of Tucker Torpedoes and pl
ng all sorts of za
column, like "Don Rickles said it was so
hot in Manhattan today that when he
drove by Grant's Tomb. the door was
open!” We'll also be a bunch of crazy
culups—tying strings to wallets, squirt-
ng water from our boutonnieres. wear-
ng ties that light up and say, WILL you
Kiss ME IN THE DARK, BABY? And we'll
throw wild hen fests and smoke ciga-
rettes and talk catty and play cribbage
1 go off our diets and stay up till all
hours. We'll set the tone for society with
our hip tilk—expressions like "Ain't we
got fun?" and “Mc ys is da cwaziest
people.” And we'll he the envy of Car
by Street with our Mod ourfits: the kind
of expensive but casual separates that
Bogart wore in The African Queen.
PLAYEOY: Don't vou plan to invite your
Bill Cosby to join the Rickles Rat
Pack?

RICKLES: Well. some of my best friends
ате ex-television yj bur this is an
exdusive club. Nothing personal. vou
understand.

PLAYEOY: You appeared as a guest star
оп an episode of 1 Spy. What was it like
to work with Cosby and Robert Culp?
RICKLES: It was like being Nancy Drew
on safari with the Hardy Boys. What
They're Frick and
Lugers When lunch
е. Culp did the cooking and I wa
ed tables while and ate.
Thats when I knew equality had ar-

t-
y quips in Earl Wilson's

Cosby sat

rived in America. They offered me the
part of a ruthless, overbearing nighi-dlub.

owner who pushes people around and
despoils women. Anxious for a chance to
change my image. I jumped at the part-
Anybody who really knows me off stage
tell you I'm so docile that I ask per-
mission to go to the bathroom. Some-
umes when I hear a bell, 1 thi `
time to go to geography class.
We filmed this particular / Spy epi-
sode on location in the shade of Cosby's
500.pound. friend, Fat Albert. For back-
ground music we used Cosby's LP,
Old Silucrthroat Sings, which reaches а
new high-water mark in popular singing.
I is really representative of the new
Negro: He has a natural lack of rhythm.
But he does move well, due to his early
days as a quarterback at Temple Univer-
ty in Philadelphia. He's the only spy I
know who says, “Take this grenade on
дп өй, run out into the Пас and bomb
the secondary.
PLAYBOY: From the intrigue of I Spy to
the folksiness of The Andy Griffith Show
quite a jump. but you managed i
nother acting role last year. As а
big-city sophisticate, why were you hired
to appear on such a haysced series?

аг.

RICKIES: Andy oj y hired me be-
sc he wanted somebody to play the
ew'sharp: the way he played it, it
came out too gentile. Anyway. Гус al-
ways had a masochistic desire to get in
touch with the real America. Andy and
I sat around the ole cracker barrel in
Mayberry’s general store, just axhitrlin"
and achewin the Ги: “Lookee thar.
Andy, a cricket! Let's watch him fer a
few days.” When things got dull. we
moseyed on down to the drugstore and
listened to the Alka-Selizer fizz.
PLAYBOY: This kind of homey humor is
uous by its absence from you
bestselling album Hello Dummy, which
has been described as too incendiary for
air play. Is it?

RICKLES: Absolutely not. As
fact, Tm getting plenty of air play for
Hello Dummy! on several FM st
in Andorra and Madagascar.
album has been number one for the pa
30 weeks at Thule Air Force in
Greenland. 1 must confess I had trouble
at first getting U.S. stations to spin it.
until the record company had. the good
sense to send out sample discs to all the
deejays cont fully culled ten-
second excerpts. Great bits like “And
here he is—Don Rickles!” That one got

matter of

tons of air play. And “Hi, folks!” and
“You've been а wonderful audience,
folks” and “Well, good night, folks.”

Listeners haven't been offended in the
least by these savage samples of my
lethal wit.

PLAYBOY: Another milestone in
meteoric career has been yo
t the Со
nce valuable to

your
recent
bana. Was this
you as a pa-

ppear:
former?

RICKLES: The Copa is still the most pres-
tigious date in New York, because you
get coverage from Gothanr's widely read
syndicated columnists. They all sit at
front-row tables, writing reviews,
which their editors can't read too well
because they've only recently learned
how to block-print. I have to help Earl
Wilson a lot with his capital T's and I's
He still can’t figure out which one has
the long straight line going across the
top.

PLAYBOY: Though its only about ten
miles from the Copa, you've come a
long way since you were graduated
summa cum laudemouth from high
school in Jackson Heights. Tell us somc-
thing about your carly life the
Rickles: I'm the product of a p:
interlude between a couple whose At
ater Kent radio failed one night. 1
able to pick wp Amos ‘n’ Andy, they
found themselves. with е on their
hands and begot me. I was born in 192
but when my mother took her first look
at me, she began to holler, “You'll never
amount to anything, you dummy; you'll
end up like your cousin Sol, a button
holer in the garment distri When she

thei

and your wat
minutes slow— you lose.

If the meetir scheduled
for 8:00.and your Wal
7:26—you lose. s >"

Now meet the cur Mandate, _
a watch you can cor
second, every minate о

that doesn't cost ч fo
And the plac

From $39.95.

BAYLOR /АТ ZALES

For more information write: Zales Jewelers, Box 2219, Dallas, Texas 25221

PLAYBOY

kept nagging me, 1 decided to run away
—but the Doberman wouldn't let me out
of the closet. After my birth, she and my
father got in touch with me on
occasions. which was decent of the:

considering that I resided in the same
apartment
PLAYBOY: Are vou saying th didn't

love you?

RICKLES: Well, 1 was left on the doorstep
h a note pinned to my Dr. De
tons: “Please kidnap.” Withi n hour. I
was spirited away; within two hours, I
was dumped back on the doorstep with
another note: “Keep him. Please find
enclosed check for 510.000" They used
the money to send me to military school
n French West Africa. And there were
other hints of their disaffection. In the
den they furnished for me was a tiny
rocking chair with arm clamps and
metal yarmulke attached to а pair of
electrodes. My toy soldiers shot real b
lets 1 one Hanukkah they gave me
t kiddicar with a bomb wired to thc

How did you expres your
itude for thei indnesses?

RICKLES: When I grew old
book them on Florida cruises di
hurrica And I used to go to
Ма о in а Polish church, where
I would eat pork chops with dairy silver
d hold hands with my Negro sweet-
heart.

PLAYBOY: Have you ever taken а nostat-
old neighborhood?
ich time 1 do. the
same guys are still sitting on top of the
same Pepsi Cola cooler in the cor
delicatessen. Apparently th
frozen to it, because they were sitting
there when I left in 1939. They try to
hide their envy in subtle ways, like tell-
ing me that no matter how many times T
go on The Dean Martin Show, VII still
never make their fakokteh softball team.
My old rabbi, on the other hand, whom
I saw on my lust visit, has never dis-
played an iota of envy. He said to me,
"Duvid"—thats my Jewish name—"I
always thought you'd grow up to be
Tamous, because you were outstanding in
the annual Purim play." The Purim holi-
day celebrates the victory of the Jews
over the wicked Per Ha-
n, when Good Queen Esther and
Mordecai conned the king into hanging
ve notices as the queen.
true, as Thomas Wolfe
wrote, that “You can't go home again"?
RICKLES: Who the hell Thomas
Did he marry a shiksa? As for
going home again, I never went home
when I lived there. It was а stufty, lower-
з flat in a dank cell block
on a sunless side street directly over the
subway. You had to timc your conversa-
tions between trains, I don't expect
Hefner to know too much about this

т asses

arc

n overscer,

was

kind of life, since he wa ed in a silo
with a Guernsey lor a wet nurse. Hed
think a dumb-waiter is a uy who doesn't
know how to uncork a wine bottle. We

had a German super who used to yell up
the dumb-waiter; “Ie iss Crizzzzmuz
Vere iss mein Crizz-zzanuz prezem?” We

used to drop it down to him in a li
brown garbage bag attached to an anvil.
The place had a lot of charm if you like

to listen to your neighbors going to the
bathroom and il you like the ambiance
of cabbage soup, which wafted from the

apartment of the Hungarians on the
ground floor, killed flies and darkened
the hall two shades,
All this we were able to alford because
my dad was а truly big success in the
surance field.

PLAYBOY: What was his approach?
RICKLES: Soft sell, basically. Hed tell a
client, "Herbie, 1 saw your cardiogram
nd you have about an hour left. Sign
here on the dotted line." And they did,
thus enabling hi oll my bar
mitzeah.

PLAYBOY: Can you re-create the solemni:
ty of that day in which you bound your-
self to the faith of your forefathers?
RICKLÍ agogue was so crowded
that half the services were held in a
church three blocks away; but we had a
reciprocal deal with each other's spill-
overs, so it worked out. My speech was
somewhat unorthodox—if you'll excuse

to bar

: The sy:

the expression; “Hon uher and
Mother, worthy Rabbi then 1
blanked out, forgot all my lines; but I
was a real trouper even then. Without a

pause, 1 went into my crowd-pleasing
mpression of W. C. Ficlds in The Bank
Dick, topped myself by cracking my
knuckles to. the tune of A Yiddisha
Momme and somersauited off the stage.
What's the Jewish word for excommuni-
cation?

PLAYBOY: Dil you make ош any beucr
t school in Jackson Heights?

RICKLES: I was king of the hill at P.S.
148. As classroom monitor, I turned in a
daily truancy list containing the names
of anyone who dehed mc—including the
teacher, a shriveledbup old maid who
came complete with bun, steel-rimmed.
glasses and dress that һай enough
flowers on it to give you a hay-fever at-
tack. She never dared to flunk me, be
cause I threatened to tell the others that
she pasted eight-by-ten glossies of Edgar
Kennedy to her bodice. After school, I
usually sauntered home, had my glass of
milk and watched the water from the
clothes hanging over the stove d
my Orphan Annie mug. A good after-
noon for me was going over to the
schoolyard and making juice loans to the
gentile kids. Otherwise, I spent the mid-
‘Thirties campaigning for Alf Landon; 1
was the only Jewish kid in the block to
do so. It was the same as coming out for

Hitler. But 1 was never too hip about
Roosevelt, anyway. | thought he was a
boulevard.

PLAYBOY: Did you play any of those fa
bled street games that Bill Cosby talks
about in his monologs?

RICKLES: We played Johnny on a pony;
І was the kid whose fuchus ended up
on the fi nt. The idea of the
ame is that five guys bend over and te
guys jump on them. I remember think
ing at the time, “We should be playing
this game with broads.” Stickball w:
other of my big talents; my next-door
ighbor was Polish, so | always had
broom to use. But all of our neighbors
were friendly and helpful. One of them
was Italian, so we always had plenty of
y dad's eppe just shook
it out of his hair, right into the crankcase.
PLAYBOY: Speaking of broads, when did
t to become aw: of the fair

e hydr

nci

you
sex?
RICKLES: At а synagogue dance, when the
ghed at me for lindy-hoppir

with a bridge chair. So 1 asked Bernice
Sac nce. Bernice's father was so
rich he used to stand up in the syna-
gogue every Jewish holiday and yell, “I
donate ten thousand — dollars—anony-

mou: When 1 returned home from
y first date with her, I had a notice-
able hickey on my neck; my mother
thought an Irish kid had bit mc in a
fight. That first experimentation with
love wasn't a howling success; Bernice
begged me to rip off her dress, but my
main concern was if my comedy was
going over. I thought I'd outgrown that
problem until years later. on my wedding
night, when my wife failed to laugh
when I was ready to make my big move,
and I knew it was back again.

PLAYBOY: You were doing comedy rou.
tines on your wedding night?

RICKLES: Yeali—i old Adam and Eve
bit. Except we didn't have any fruit.
PLAYBOY: Let's move from one combat
zone to another. Your biography cit
your heroic accomplishments in the
Navy during World. War Two. Would
you care to tell us about them?

RICKLES: No, I'd lly rather not toot
my own horn that way.

PLAYBOY: But-
RICKLES: Well, if you insist. I wa
tioned in the Philippines for three years.
‘There were only two Jewish kids on the
boat, a PT tender called the U. S. S.
Cyrene. Ir used to be a dock until they
put a bottom under it. It was so humid
the topics that the crew spoiled.
lime we got a taste of action, the
vest of the guys would look at the two
of us and cry, “Do us а mirade. Part the
seas and get us the hell out of here.
PLAYBOY: Scriously, did you really see
any action?

RICKLES: Yes, we hissed at the enemy,

uth.
ues,
treet
ıs on
even

ıh of
istry
give
their
ition

'Fiy-

i4 in

ment to the tune of over|suggest you use the world’s} now it is American Bourbon

$7,000,000.00 a day.

finest Bourbon, Jim Beam.

which is the favorite.”

World’s Finest Bourbon
a 173-Year-Old Secret

CHICAGO, ILL.—Before
you can call yourself the
world’s finest anything—
you'd better have a case in
your favor.

Jim Beam Bourbon has that.
“case.”

The whole matter started
with Jacob Beam—who would
be 200 years old this year-
and a secret he discovered.

"The secret, in the case of
Jim Beam Bourbon, goes back
to 1795, and it is still hush-
hush today. The secret lay in
the heart of Kentucky where
there was, and is today, the
right combination for pleas-
ure. The right land. The right
climate: the perfect Bourbon
formula,

In north central Kentucky,
Jacob Beam found clean iron-
free water—water that came
from limestone springs consid-
ered the very finest. Beam set
out to make Bourbon in this
rolling country; and he added
his own special ingredient:
pride.

Six Generation Formula
The pride of this first Beam

distiller has been carried| _
through six generations, now.
Every glass of today’s Beam
Bourbon holds the best from
nature and the pride that was
passed on from Jacob to David
to David M. to Colonel James
to T. Jeremiah to Baker and
Booker Noe—over a span of
173 years.

All those Beams have rested
their case on Bourbon that’s
worthy of your trust.

And it’s still a big secret.

Russians claim
credit for

Beam formula

WASHINGTON—Word
from the Kremlin today has
startled the Bourbon-making
world. Unreliable sources from

Moscow state that Bourbon is | +

not an American spirit but, in
fact, a Russian one.

Bourbon, of course, is con-
sidered the only true Ameri-
ean spirit. And the world’s
finest Bourbon was first dis-
tilled back in 1795 by a Jacob.
Beam.

JIM BEAM BOURBON—
MAKING NEWS SINCE 1795 ::

CLERMONT, KY.—173
years ago Jacob Beam started
making Beam Bourbon here
in Kentucky. It is still being
made here today. And still by
the Bearns.

Along with inspired skills,
the making of a Bourbon like
Beam requires an unusual
combination of land, climate
and natural materials. And
its all here, in north central
Kentucky.

There's the ancient, under- | i

lying limestone springs that
supply sweet, clear water—a
vital ingredient in the making
of fine Bourbon,

а усу

h

gr wd

Fresh Charred Oak
And
forests ¢
It's in
this car

here's the great

Not so say the Russians.
They insist that Bourbon was
actually discovered 10 years
earlier by Ivan Chekkakoff in
a little town called Vladivos-
tok.

They further state that the
famous Beam formula is
nothing more than a copy of
the Chekkakoff stuff.

However, they did admit

they have been importing sub- |;

stantial amounts of clear, iron-
free water from limestone
springs in north central Ken-
tucky.

Idle Boast?

American sources declined
to comment except to say that
Bourbon will probably be on

vodka will.

Beam bottle featured

GRAVEL SWI

Hall, all eyes
on band mem |

Daisey played)
Bourbon bottle. |

preferred the B:
said that the
square shape |

Eo ” sound,

KENTUCKY

chen

NONE GENUINI
Drs;

the moon 10 years before f

f
THE WORLDS FINESTBOUREON з? |

BOURBON WHISKEY

Distilled und bottled hy

тощо ü

ад а
TIERS SIRER zo:

POOF PROOF

In the old days, early set-
tlers had a sure-fire way of
testing the strength of whis-
key. They poured a smidgin of
it on asmall pile of gunpowder
and lit it.

A bright flare of flame meant
the whiskey was too strong (it
contained too much alcohol).
While a steady blue fiame told
them the whiskey was just
about right.

Nowadays, of course, all
you have to do is look at the
[r3 Î the label says
t cause 86 proof
P^ а _,* people prefer.
LLL

figure alcohol

y divide proof

by two.

But remember
‚ 3e proof is not.

lways quality.

:BEAM
wt

SINCE 1735

your knowl-
national lan-

`

А Mash
STRAIGHT

cl

CON, КАМ

IE WITHOUT му Stanatuee

————————MÁ''nQÓÓ

NOS

Clermont, "Beam, Ken-

в

3

PLAYBOY

90

cursed at him, even fired our
at him. That's how we destroyed our
ship's movie screen. I was personally
responsible for the death of Richard Loo
in The Purple Heart, and my buddy
got Philip Ahn in Wings over Burma.
Tell your toothed photographer
this is all in fun.

PLAYBOY: Who was your commanding of-
ficer on this magnificent fighting vessel
RICKLES: A guy who'd come to us direct-
ly [rom a seascout meeting. He thought
a sand bar was candy. The atmosphere
оп board was a trifle strained. We kept
looking at each other under the shower,
im g the other guy was Betty
Grable on a Bob Hope camp tour.
Опе of the gang had definite effeminate
tendencies. He kept on skipping up and
down the deck, screeching, "Oh. let me
fold the flag! guy
who was always attempting suicide; we
had to keep cutting him down from the
bulkhead.
PLAYBOY: Who w
RICKLES: The morale officer. The whole
tour was worse than Muster Roberts, If
ny of us had tried to write a book
bout it, the others would have killed
him for reminding them of it.
PLAYBOY: After the War, you studied at
the American Academy of Dramatic Arts.
What did you learn there?

RICKLES: How to use make-up effectivel
І swabbed it on so liberally I was al
ways being solicited by members of the
vice squad. Have you ever seen a po-
iceman expose himself? It's what they

weapons

buc

nother

һе?

tic training under your belt, you
«d your career in those premiere-
ase supper clubs that comedians
r to аз “the toilets.” What were they
like?

RICKLES: Really hig
smelled like a pair of sneakers after a
kerball double-header at the rei
And the owners were the kind ol guys
who wore $5000 pin ngs and beer-
stained undershirts, They'd sit in the
front. row. the acts. The
clientele wore double-breasted Chester
Morris suits with Hoover buttons—and
this was in the Fifties. It was the first
time I'd ever seen grown men wearing
brown-patentleather shoes with white
nklet socks. And always on their ties
was a figure of Roy Rogers’ horse. You
wouldn't often ace Kelly there

-class places. They

see G
h Adolphe Menjou.

лу of these gin mills were sailor
joints in Washington, D. C., which fca
tured bubble dancers like Monique La
Vine. who was in big trouble when her
bubble pipe didn’t work; you know how
opium residue can clog a pipe. We had
lty acts like Zokina and Her King
Cobra, which turned out to be a garci

ps. Te

snake with dewl was reta
too. Instead of sl over Zoki
oiled body, it ate its own

one of the strippers, Flora LaVerne, had
so many stretch marks on her body she
looked like the Mississippi River delta
from $0,000 feet up. Occasionally,
would erupt, which I avoided by lying on
the floor and pretending to be а mound
of cigarette buts.

PLAYBOY: Did it work?

RICKLES: You get out of line once morc
nd ГИ fix it so you never play the
glockenspiel again. The marquee out-
side these fun spots was a real ego
booster. It wa k to your
name in lights—if you could sce it
through all the dead moths on the
bulbs. My accommodations were swanky.
too. To dress, I had to stand on top of
а bus boy. The four piece combo— piano,
bass, drums and spittoon—were all
my Kaye rejects, No matter what request
the customers hollered for—Stardust,
Body and Soul, Moonglow—they broke
into Take Me Out to the Ball Game.
They started a wonderful musicians’
quiz called “Find the Melody.” General-
ly. there was also a girl singer named
Lola Lane or Tish Burdue, who had the
sexy, throbbing vocal quality of a wino
retching through а kazoo. And the food
served in these places could best be de-
scribed as Forest Lawn for flies. An ae-
nal ribbon of flypaper dangling
soup added a active Duncan
Hines touch. The only reason the plac
was never condemned by the Board of
Health was because they didn't have the
guts to go in there and check. ‘The
parkingloc attendant had his fun and
games, too. You pulled up, gave him the
keys to your cur and went inside, It was
your job to find it the following day at
the demolition derby on Route 31 out-
side Bethesda, M d.
PLAYBOY: Were of these
operated by hoods?

RICKLES: Perhaps, but I've never worried.
about the mob element. because I'm a
personal friend of Efrem Zimbalist, Jr.
PLAYBOY: Plays a hell of zimbal, doesn't
he?
RICKLES:

iwis

spot

Y

auy "toilets"

Give me that pencil. “rLaynoy
punster zings in 'zimbal joke on unsus-
pecting comedian to take a four-to-three
lead in the top of the seventh.” You have
ksilver mind, my child. I both
id hate you for that, Why don't
you dive headfirst into а vat of pickled

cuse D happen to
Beatty has trouble with the firm
Ё cap pistol.

пу people who know you
hiclub. performe

d these days to sce you popping.
up on some of the Late Show movies.

Would you like to discuss some of vour
early film successes?

Rickles: Hollywood first beckoned to me
in 1950 by starring me in a War thriller,
Run Silent, Run Deep, which also Гез

tured Chirk Gable and Burt Lancaster
in supporting roles. They were adequate
in the film, but 1 got tired of carrying
them. The plot concerned ап American
sub in the Bongo Straits that was try-
ng to fool a Japanese destroyer into
thinking they'd sunk us by using the old
submariners trick—disgorging garbage
from the torpedo tubes. To this day, Газ
bitter about how Clark and Burt looked
at each other and said, “We're ош of
garbage. Lets throw out Rickles.”

І aho did The Rat Race with Tony
Curtis. one of our great Cary Grants.
When I kuew Tony, he was one of the
boys: today, he wi nd
challenges women to duels. Then they
threw me into a couple of high-class
vehicles called Muscle. Beach Party and

Beach Blanket Bingo, produced by
Ате International Pictures, which.

specialized in low-budget quickies that
were shot for a price range of $40 to 550:
add $5 if they were in color. This gave me
a chance to woi h my idols Annette
Funicello and Frankie Avalon, who got
me admitted to their day nursery as а
fringe benefit. My dialos consisted of
yelling ‘Surfs up! Surfs up!" every 25
minutes. But Frankie and Annette had.
chearse their lines for hours. It was
d for them to remember “Run, Spot.
run!" They want me to act in their
new one, Kiss My Sandbox.
PLAYBOY: Now that you're a n
your own right, have you been ollered.
any meatier parts?
RICKLES: Only the ones they throw into
my cage. Actually, ves. my agent has
been deluged with movie offers. but un-
fortum: y none of them kies. Гуе
been asked to costar with Lyle Talbot
4 Was in Heat for a Werewolf, And
nts me to redo the Quasi
modo role with two humps, There was
also some talk about me starring in
Planet of the Apes because the produc
ers thought they could joney on
makeup, but 1 turned it down because
they offered me peanuts. Give me that
pencil. "Super-Jew lobs in ‘pe 1
lib, streaks into five-tofour lead in the
top of the eighth."
PLAYBOY: Until Hollywood discovers your
s а sex star, fans can see vou
expurgated. best only in Las
s. For the benefit of those who've
never sojourned in this mi
on the desert, could you fill them in on
the atmosphere?
RICKLES: You know you're getting into
Vegas when the pilots start berting
among themselves that they'll clear the
And the weather can be quite
(continued on page 150)

to

big star

ave

uts’

made jewel

mount.

کے

WHAT SORT OF MAN READS PLAYBOY?

A now breed of man who takes to today's handsome new breed of cars. Sporty makes and spirited
models are just his speed. Facts: PLAYBOY is read by one out of three men under 50 in U.S. house-
holds owning two or more cars bought new. And by 1,515,000 men 18-49 in households planning to
buy a new car next year. Put some sales power behind your bright new entry. Run itin PLAYBOY, the
magazine that drives young men to their dealers. Fast! (Sources: W. R. Simmons Report and B.R.1.)

New York - Chicago - Detroit - Los Angeles . San Francisco - Atlanta - London + Tokyo

balthazar and his rampant friend beefy—
abetted by a pair of frolicking ladies of pleasure—

confront the kill-joys of trinity

AMIR
FESTIVITY

fiction By3R DOM EAM

SUNDAY THIS MILD MELLOW WEEK IN DUnLIN. The li;
stillness over Т ү College rooftops. Buds crashing out sappy
trees. Crocuses exploding yellow across suburban gardens. Ваш
down the granite steps [rom college rooms past the flat green velvet grasses and
out the front gate. Through Ballsbridge on the Dalkey tram. To tug the bell
chain
is house rising
grayly and ivy clad from T В d sweeping lawns. А hushed
haired maid. k E lace collar to c my coat
with her trembling 1 5 ve hall of this big house, A fire flaming
Hanked by pink marble praying angels. Gilt framed mirrors. Two stecly figures
, haunted slits for eves. And Miss Fitzdare wears her purple twinset
k tweed gray skirt and her string of pearls. Tall chiming clock

“You are awfully prompt. Do come this way. And meet uncle and aunt”
Brass knobbed heavy m r ajar. Polished and glistening faintly red.
Held open by the raven haired maid. Tints of blues and w this sprawli
drawing room. Cabinets of porcelain. A harpsichord in a white arched alcove.
This thin gray haired lady. Slowly twisting her lips between her smiles. Offering
her long blue veined hand, A short round gentleman in thick rust tweeds.
Purple silk hanky and gorse colored tie.
“Aunt Miriam this is Balthazai
I've heard so much about you
My unde Frederic. Everyone calls him General. Balthazar.”
“How do you do General.”
“I do splendidly when my gout doesn't play up. Do please sit. And what can
arm you up with. Whiskey, gin, sherry.”
Well sherry if I m:
“You may by jove, Medium, dry or that stuff they say is sherry that's very
dry."
“Medium. Please.”
a good fellow, know your sherry. Miriam. Sherry.”
. We'll have a wee bit. Dr. Romney says I'm to leave off but I

at a high sideboard of bottles, trays and decanters.
Pouring the light brown liquid into thin cryst isses. His brief smile as the
silver tray passes to cach. Between two facing long light green sofas. ‘The raven
haired girl peeks back into the room as she quietly closes the great door. This

ILLUSTRATION BY MARVIN HAYES

PLAYBOY

94

gray haired lady raises her chin and
lowers eyelids to speak.
Mr. B 1 understand you're new to
Dublin. How do you find it. Our dear
dirty city.
Most. charming.”
О good. Elizabeth tells us you race.
“Yes I do get to the courses now and
п. Not much recently however."
“O. You'll be here for Horse Show
week. You i

ag

iust not miss that.”

“I sincerely hope <

“Wonderful time of year. We're at
our best then. Always brings one back
to times when things were not as they
are now. Very sad. So much has passed
from us.”

“Now Miriam, that’s not the attitude.
What does Mr. B want to know about
that for. He's young. He wants to enjoy
himself now. Of course we've had a lot
of louts and rabble rousers about but
things have settled down. Let them
blow up a telephone kiosk now and
ain and they're quite happy. Are you
nterested in the stars, Mr. B.”

“Yes І am.”

“Good. After lunch then, We'll show
you about. Would you like to see my
astronomical laboratory

"Very much sir. I had an unde who
was very interested їп the sky.”

"Good. Ah. There we are. The gong.
Brought that back from India. Served
out there, When 1 was Brigadier. Bring
in your sherry with you."

Two wide white doors folding back.
A long dining table. A fire bursting with
flaming black chunks of coal, Two tall
windows. Look out across lawns and
gardens. Pebbled paths. A stone wall
and beyond the tops of blossoming ap-
ple trees. Little blue dishes of salt set in
silver holders with birdlike paws.

“Sit you all down.

The General at the head of table,
Miriam at the foot. Prawn cocktail and
thin slices of brown bread. Faint tinge
of green in white wine poured. A leg of
steaming lamb carried in by a big
chested girl of blue cyes and large pout-
ing lips. The Gener arves. The whole
silent afternoon outside. White plates
with thin little weavings of gold handed
down the table. Roasted potatoes. And
sprouts moist in butter. A claret wine of
gentle red.

а beth you ought to have Baltha-
zar come when we're having ham. We
feed our pigs on peaches you know.
When you've tasted a chappie so fed, I
think you'll agree you never rea
what ham could be, What”

“Га very much like that’

“We leave that then to you,
Good larder is a man’s salvation. People
nowadays don't take any trouble. Not
the way we used to. Of couse then one
gets on. Dashed cold winter, what. One
of worst in memory. When you get to
my age you feel it you know. Get a bit
of damned deafness too, it's the wind.

Gets up a pressure. You take port my
boy.

“Yes sir.”

"Good show. Got a bit there decant-
ed. Laid down when I was a subaltern,
Yes. A man's bet years you know are
the thirties. Plenty of polo, outdoors,
that's the way of life, The end comes at
fifty. You know then there’s no going
back. If you don't go forward you don't
go damn anywhere. What. Ves after
fifty it's all over, you know.”

“O Frederic, really.”

“Can't overlook the facts Miriam. A
man’s a man till fifty. You might stretch
it a year this way or that but largely
speaking, that’s when a man puts away
his gun. Takes out his port. Of couse a
lot of it is in the mind you know. Half
the baule is keeping up appearances.
And appearances be damned as well. A
shrew lor its weight is more fierce than
a tiger. It will seize upon a worm and
devour it in an instant.”

“Frederic please, not while we're eat-
ing.”

w of course easily die of
shock. Poor little fellows. Now I don't

that's fascinating.”

“Eat their own weight in food every
three hours.

“Now Frederic that’s not a pleasing
subjcc

“There you are my boy. Get your in-
nings in while you're young. Ladyfolk
have you later on you know. Hound you
about a bit, O we'll wait till the псаг-
nation. Hope I get a good regiment.
Cars got your tongue Elizabeth.

"No uncle. Fm just amused as I al-
ways am at your chatter.’

“О ravings of a poor old soldier. But
when I was a boy we had to tow the
Tine. Not like these days. My father lined
us up as boys. Hair had to be properly
combed, Hands clean both sides. Chores
done at six fifteen л.м. None of your
nonsense. Walk with a st ht back. See
the tip of vour shoes or my
goodness you would soon get what for
across your what you sit on. Where did
you serve my boy."

“Pity. The discipline, routine. Good
for every lad you know, Not to be
shunned. Have a good swallow more
now of that wine. One of the lingering
res. If one leaves out bridge.”

“Balt say if you would

“Thank you I have had a sufficiency.

“Come come my boy. From my me
ory of rooms at Trinity irs damn chil
there. A person needs a good Sunday
lunch. In my time scholars used to come
charging through college on horseback
waving sabers apropos of nothing at all.
But а deuced good fright thrown into
and porters. Junior Dean got
lL, hit on the head with a grate.

Some rough times indeed. Wasn't safe
at night, college bloods armed with dag-
gers. Just a little that before my
time. But the chaps left their mar

Balthazar B remaining to light a
with the General at table. As they
pled port. The ladies lightlooted back
to the withdrawing room. And there
came the tinkle of the harpsichord. Pur-
ple shadows of the evening stretching
out across the gardens. An old fading
moon blunted in the sky.

“You know my boy, you'll pardon me
Tm an interfering old rascal. Meddle in
right where I have no business to. But
our Elizabeth has taken a great interest

n you. Took us long enough to get her
to get you here, Fine girl. Miriam and I
love having her with us. She has a won-
derful nature that girl, How many of
your women these days would spend
three afternoons and evenings in the
poor wards. Not many T cin tell you
Yes, go down the aisles of some of them.
Only way they know whether a wretched
creature is dead is to smell them. Often
said it's not the kind of work for a young
lady. She won't listen, insists going right
an't say she's wrong to go her own
Some of these people haven't been
of their garments all their lives,
nto hospital, can't get the clothes
off them. Here, little more port for yor

“Thank you sir."

"They have to cut the clothes off. Put
a sling around them and with a derrick
they dip them in a vat. Sometimes the
shock's too much. These old creatures
get so frightened they die on the spot.

Nothing as bad as it was in India but

still pretty bad. Prostitutes in off the
streets, when they get a cure they stay
on as nurses to pay off their debt. You
know about Elizabeth's worl

"No sir, I'm alraid I don't.

Fay du ps I've breached a confi
dence. Hope not. Strange girl our Eliza-
. Very rare gil.”
si

"Looks like her mother. Mother died
you know. Burned up in a fire. Quite
awful. Elizabeth was only twelve. Poor
tle creature cried for weeks. We had
her here. Beautiful woman her mother.
Great horsewoman. Cost her her life
Saving horses in a burning stable. Brave
woman. Elizabeth's the same. Well come
that's been enough of t
tter. Shall we join the ladies. Then
1 take you up. Might spot М
the horizon. Give it another hour or
50"

Now I walk with her. And touch her
hand. As we go about in the district.
Alter lunch and harpsichord. Along
Sydney Parade Avenue, To the strand
of Dublin Bay. The tide out across the
strange gray flatlands and scattering
birds. We step down the granite steps to
the sand. Make footprints there, A gray
whiteness across the water to Howth.

(continued. on. page 198)

"Em probably the first man ever to say this, but
we seem to be out of gas."

Free-floating outof-thisworld travelers in а Astropolis’ Dynariums are housed in globes
Dynarium—one of Astropolis’ two giant оп the vertical axis of the space resort, right.
gr „free spheres—go through the maxi- Pointing toward the red Dynarium are the
gyrations of the latest space dance. The other complex’ 24 hotel towers; its other pods and
Dynarium, containing а gigontic wa- globes provide all the services and
ter blob, lends itself to ex- —— sustenance appropriate tc

art the ultimate fun city.

otic aquatic sports.

45 کے‎ E
"ROpoLig. THE SS
SPACE БЕЗОР?

plans Ar ү к paradise

earth —not fantasy but
a prediction of high probability

future living By KRAFFT A. EHRICKE

TUS NEW year’s EVE, 1999, and a cheerful contingent of merrymakers has
gathered together to wish one another a happy new century- Fhe scene

with the familiar a inks, the noisemakers, the paper
hats, the laughter, the strains of Auld Lang Syne—only the Ic i
15 not an urban night club, not a private home, not a resort in Sun Valley
not even on this planet.

cgated paradise, a plea

or the Bahamas. 1

re palace floating in orbit far
above the surface of the Earth. It’s a city in itself, at looks out upon
the stars and, for that reason, is named Astropolis. It n fact, the first
sort. Science fiction? Hardly. Rather, the first space resort is à com-

space
pletely inable extension of the science fact of 1968. It can be realized
as soon as the Government decides to employ the benefits of space research

Tor individual pleasure.
Few people today associate space with enjoyment, except the kind de-
rived from accomplishment or scientific research. But our occans and our

PLAYBOY

98

mountains, originally thought of as in-
compatible with pleasure, are now big
business for recreation. We have become
enlightened enough to enjoy ourselves
almost anywhere on Earth. Our scientific
knowledge and control have overcome
the adversities of new environments that
have challenged us. And now we use them
for both practical and recreational pur-
poses. Space need be no exception.

Extraterrestrial tourism will evolve
quite naturally in the wake of explora-
tive and applicative astronautics. As
Earth's unspoiled natural habitats be-
come fewer—and as the growing number
of her children find fewer opportunities
for seclusion or adventure—supervaca
tions in Astropolis will offer farout
fulfillment and fun.

As you join your congenial compan-
ions on December 31, 1999, in ringing
out the old century and ringing in the
new, you may fectingly reflect on the
incalculable amounts of time, work,
money and planning that went into the
making of Astropolis. Jt took ten years
to build, a year to assemble in space
and $100,000.000 in private capital.
(The cost may seem small—but it
based on an investment in space as a
national resource that, by 199
have amounted to over 250 billion dol-
lars. Astropolis is just one of the many
returns on this investment in humanity's
future.)

Circling Earth in a polar orbit, Astrop-
olis is but 30 minutes from the launching
pad via fast passenger rocket transport.
Roundtrip fare to Astropolis is $10 per
passenger pound. Accommodations there
average $80 per person per day, Ameri-

by space architectural stand-
ards, Astropolis isa self-sustaining, dosed-
system space city quartering 1000 guests
and 100 personnel. It has four 12:story
hotels, a varied array of restaurants,
clubs and bistros, ballroom, two theaters,
a casino and a shopping center. The
theaters and casino feature top live en-
ment from every country on Earth
combos, symphony orchestras,
stand-up comics, Shakespearean repertory
—plus first-run films months before their
release down home. Astropolis also has
two Dynariums—enormous playrooms
lor sports unknown to the Earthbound.

For $80 a day, you will hardly want
to live on algae and duckweed. The
mouth-watering international cuisine i
based on plants and livestock raised on
board. The menu is varied and entirely
Earthly. From the Astropolis farms come
the raw materials for everything from
filet mignon to ice cream, vichyssoise to
apple pie. soda pop to vodka (though
drinkers will be warned that the lower
gravity conditions in orbit will produce
tipsiness much more quickly than on
Earth). The hydroponic farms boast a
dazzling variety of plants. These fruits,
vegetables and their deriva

Tor the consumption of both the human
and the animal populations. The animal
farms—stocked with the most perfectly
developed animals science can breed—
provide the choicest poultry, pork and
beef. All of these, in their various forms,
are destined for the tempting hotel and
restaurant menus. But nothing is wasted.
in Astropolis—not even waste. Residual
matter (bones, skin, innards, shells, etc)
is finely ground, chemically processed
and fed into the hydroponic farms with
other transmuted waste materials, to
serve as nutrient, thus coming full circle
n this dosedcyde ecology.

‘The sanitation system and the menu
of self-sustaining Astropolis are based on
the use-reprocess-re-use cycle. The entire
system is powered by electricity from
nuclear reactors, monitored by sensors at
all levels, controlled by computers and
supervised by highly skilled personnel

Cradeone (drinking) water is of the
highest purity. Grade-two water, sti
bacteriologically pure, is used for wash
ng, cleaning, cooling and for animal
consumption. Grade-three water is used
in the hydroponic farming. The air in
Astropolis closely resembles the oxygen-
nitrogen atmosphere we breathe on
Earth—but it is purer. The ecological
air-cycle system removes poisonous gases,
humidity and pollutant particles. Air
pressures compare with those in a7 1968
jet liner flying at 6000 feet.

Fully supplied and occupied, Astrop-
olis would weigh about 2,200,000 pounds
on Earth. Its facilities are mounted on a
1200-footlong central axis and four 600-
loot The entire complex
spins around its central axis at about two
revolutions per minute, for precise grav-
ity control. Vacationers come and go
through docking facilities at the outer
ends of the spin axis. Entering through
the hollow central axis, they reach their
staterooms by turning into one of four
wings.

Each hotel complex comprises six 1
story cylinders. Each floor has a 12 foot
high ceiling and an inner diameter of
30 feet. Complete floors are available as
four-bed suites; others are halved into
two-bed rooms. Staterooms combine the
usual terrestrial
television, custom conditioning—
with those peculiar to an orbiting space
resort. Gravity levels vary from .5 g—
g being the force of surface gravity on
Farth—on the first floor (which is closest
to the spin axis) to .7 g on the 12th. On
special observation screens, you can
watch the action in the Dynariums or
switch to views of Earth at a variety
of magnifications. Via synchronous-orbit
switchboards, you can videophone E:
or even chat with an intrepid crony оп
the moon.

‘The most relaxing effect of an orbit
vacation lies in the removal and/or re-
duction of that constant stress upon the

conveniences—music,
air

body and heart: the force of gravity.
from which there is little escape on
Earth. Depending upon where you
n Astropolis, the artificial gravity cli
mate varies from 0 to 8 g; the far-
ther from the center, the higher the g
level. It follows that there
ing spectrum of. physical things you can
do, ranging from innovative fun and
games to weightless rock 'n' roll. The
wildest dance on Earth is a drag œm-
pared with three-dimensional dancing
on the ceiling and the walls, or gyrations
in the space between.

If weightless dancing isn't paradise

enow, you can work out in a Dynarium.
Astropolis has two—cach combining
space environmental effects
mit many activities that are impossible
to duplicate on Earth. In one Dynarium
—a zero-gravity, 200-foot-diameter sphere
—you are dwarfed in what may be lik-
ened to a threedimensional swimming
pool filled with instead of water. Its
low-pressure oxygen-nitrogen atmosphere
provides a swimsuit environment. Here,
you can dart from padded wall to
padded wall; or you can fioat, tumble.
nd roll with the circulating air cur-
rents. To those who enjoy weightless
ness, the Dynarium is as irresistible as
the breakers are to the surfer, the dizzy-
ing precipices to the mountain climber,
breakneck speed to the race driver, air
currents to the glider pilot and great
heights to the sky diver. Forgetting the
difference in dimensions for a moment,
imagine yourself jumping from the top
of the Empite State Building to the top
of the Chrysler Building. Next you aim
yourself at a small target—a window on
the ninth floor of the General Dynamics
building—and land softly on the gla
Now you decide to get artistic. You de-
scend to the 45th Street floor, jump over
to the United Nations Building, rebound
nd land back on top of the Empire
State Building. Superman and the Flying
Nun have nothing on you.

The other Dynarium contains a large
sphere of water with ts Teflon-lined
walls: the Null-Gravity Aqua Pool. Be-
cause water will not cling Teflon,
under zero-g condi the water assumes
a free-floating, spherical shape. You can
hurl yourself from a wall, approach the
water globule at high speed and dive
through it without completely breaking
it up. The splash effect upon impact and
egress Causes small quantities of water
to split off, forming a cluster of spherical
tellites.” ie swarm of bubbles finally
forms into a single sphere, which you
сап bat around or push back into the
main water globule. You can swim

round inside the globule or approach it
slowly, cause a shallow depression upon
e with your body and just float

its surfa

there.
Other air-filled enclosures at moderate
g levels reduce your weight to one sixth
(concluded on page 222,

rur THEATER, in case you haven't no-
ticed, has stripped for action. The nude
revolution is under way. It comes long aft-
er the movies discovered the naked body,
long after high fashion gave the see
through go-ahead and long after topless
restaurants. became historical curiosities.
And it comes just when the theater
scemed to be dead, killed by its own
stutiness, But at least—and at last—its
here. ‘The taboos about bare breasts, bare
buttocks and even exposed genitals have
been broken. Skin cin now be employed
as а costume—and that’s healthy.

So far, the experiments have been
timid and tentative. Nudity on the kgit-
imate stage is still a special issue, too
shocking" to be accepted in the normal
couse of a play. And its possibilities
have been investigated by as many fakers
and exploiters аз true artists

When a rather mature schoolgirl
strips to the waist in The Prime of Miss
Jean Brodie, she keeps her back to the
audience, She is posing for her lover, an
artist. But for her to tum completely to
ward the audience, says producer Rob
ert Whitehead, might “detract from the
continuity of the play." That sounds rea
sonable: but the day is coming when
Broadway will be able to watch a girl
undress without losing complete track
of the story.

Theres а good joke about audience
expectation in Bruce Jay Friedman's
black comedy Scuba Duba. Instead of
having a pneumatic beauty show her top-
less charms, there's a droopy matron who
flops her pendulous bare breasts about
The sight is disgusting, but it’s a brilliant
parody of titillation. Here, again, some
day no one will be disappointed if it's
only the ugly actress who undresses.

Both the beautiful and the ugly hip-

eclipsing even hollywood,
the new york stage is taking
й off—taking и all
off—and the reactions range
from outrage to accolades

“The American

pies take it all off in
Tribal Love Rock Musical," Hair. "That's
a revelation and a joy. The kids do it
and they seem to be having fun. But
then they just stand there. And somehow.
it would be better if they danced or made
love, although the revolution may not be
ready for that much activity—yet

While Broadway has stopped at vari
ations on the striptease, the avantgarde
has pushed beyond skin«leep realism
Theatrical lovemaking has become in
credibly explicit. In Rochelle Owens
"utz!, a tragifarce about a farmer who
loves his pig, O' Horgan
has his actors go through extremely raw,
though symbolic. burlesques of oral,
anal and genital intercourse

In several other recent productions,
there are direct physical confrontations
between the

director Tom

tors and the audience

PHOTOGRAPHY BY MARVIN NEWMAN

sel In The Concept, а psychodrama
presented by former addicts, actors
соте up to you and ask, "Will you love
me?" And you're expected to stand up.
and return а hug. Its frightening and a
strain, but it's real.

In Richard Schechners wotal-theater
bacchanal, Dionysus in 69, you're invited
to dance with the cast in a discothèque-
inspired revel. Better yet, when the freak-
out really gets going, if you're lucky,
you're invited out into the playing area,
where seminude actors ease you to the

floor and fondle, kiss and caress you.

Said one critic: “The , , . actors’ involve-

ment with the spectators has so intensified
that one fully expects to get laid during

the next evening at the theater
But don't hold your breath. The legit.
imate theater will become that
permissive. On the other hand, at some of
her recent Happenings, Yayoi Kusama, a
Japanese avantgardist now working in
New York, has begged the audience to
join in a love-in that means what it says.
Nobody has yet, but Kusama keeps hop.
ing, Lately she has been conducting naked
guerrilla raids on such landmarks as the
Statue of Liberty, Wall Street and Central
Park. Acting fast to avoid the cops, К!
sama's boys and girls throw ofl their
clothes and paint themselves with polka
dots. After the polka-dot painting, every
one dances to the rhythm of African
drums. The tourists take pictures and the
lookouts keep watch for the police. By
the time the cops do come, hopefully,
everyone is dressed -and gone.
Obviously, part of Kusama's thrill is
her narrow escape from the forces of
“decency.” One of her Happenings last
winter—a naked “crucifixion” with two
youngmen (text continuedon page 101)

never

At the be-in that ends act one of Broadway's ‘American Tribal Love-Rock Musical," part of the young, exuberant cast emerges
topless (and bottomless) from beneath a billowing, psychedelically lighted communal sheet. Unabashedly confronting the
audience, from left to right, are Steve Curry, Emmaretia Marks, Hiram Keller, Sally Ecton (also in close-up), Steve Gamet
and Melba Moore. Director Tom O'Horgan believes in “putting emphasis on the emotional, sensuous element in life. I've been
to be-ins where the kids have thrown off their clothes because they felt that way—they just wanted to break that barrier.
We couldn't cast professionals who aren't part of this scene; it wouldn't work." These kids fit the port—to a hair.

O'Horgan also staged (and wrote the music for) this off-Broadway play perfarmed by the off-off-Broadway La Mama Troupe
about a rube named Cyrus Futz, who's in love with his saw. The pig is never seen, but little else is left to the audience's
imagination. Seth Allen—wha won last year's best-actor Obie award far this performance (and wha doubles as stand-by
for the lead actor in Hair)—deflly portrays Oscar Loop, a neighboring yokel whose exposure to the animal lover provokes
him to the point of committing rape and murder. In jail, where he awaits hanging for his crimes, Loop is visited by his mother
(Marilyn Roberts) and regresses to a graphic suckling state in а scene with religious as well as erotic avertanes.

THE PRIMIE OF MISS
JEAN BRODIE

The lady of the title is a Scottish schoolmistress of middle years and enlightened views, fanatically dedicated to her pu-
bescent girls and they to her. Passing her prime unmerried (because af her fiancé's death in Warld War One), she vicariously
intends to make surragates of her favorite pupils—the girls who constitute “the Brodie set." Using her credo of “stimulate,
enliven and uplift," she urges one of them (Amy Taubin) to become the mistress of the married-but-philandering art teacher
(Коу Cooper) she really loves herself. A lyrically sensuous scene in which the artist paints the girl is cansiderably
more demure than these pictures indicate; on stage, unfortunately, it is only Miss Taubin's back that the audience sees.

PLAYBOY

104

making love beneath the cross—was
raided by a black policeman. He was, of
course, an actor. But Hair’s nude scene is
0 “raided.” The current nude fad still
depends on our desire to do—or view—
the supposedly forbidden.

Some laws governing exposure, ob-
scenity and permissible public acts are
still on the books. But in New York, as
of this writing, there hasn't been a bust,
you'll pardon the expression, since Char
lote Moorman was arrested for playing
a cello topless. For one number, she even
attached battery-operated toy propellers
to her breasts. T was too much for
criminal-court judge Milton Shalleck. In
his now-famous decision, he | he
doubted that “Pablo Casals would have
become as great if he had performed
nude from the waist down."

Topless and bottomless is the way the
San Francisco rock band The Allmen
Joy played recently at the culture.
palace the Straight Theater. The Joy
were part of an allsinging, alldancing
group grope tilled Carnival and Resur-
rection of the Blind God Orpheus Under
the Tower in the Place of Lost Souls.
Scripted by Monte Pike, Carnival was a
tedious evening of slack-jawed хо
protest, until the very list momen
‘Then the Joy, urging everyone “to be
free,” flung off their clothes. The 26-
тап cast started walloping one another
and the audience with pillows. And
finally, 50 brave souls from the audience
joined the melee

It was one of Broadway's leading
playwrights, Robert (Tea and Sympathy)
Anderson, who first satirized the fad
of theatrical exposure. Well before cri
ics remarked on “the now-obligatory
flash of nudity,” Anderson wrote a mini-
f the “pleasurable shock of recog-
as the first sketch in You Know 1
Сип Hear You When the Waters Run-
ning. Way back in carly 1967, Andason
portrayed an earnest, middleaged play-
ht asking his producer about the
nees of showing a 43-yearold hu:
nd walking, naked, from his bathroom
ino his own bedroom. When he got
there, һе would tell his chattering wife,
"You know | can't hear you whei i

The big question the playwright had
for the producer was: "Why in hell
should we in the theater be so far be-
hind the times?” The producer declared
that he knew what had been happening
in movies and novels. But he also knew
what would happen in the theater:
‘They'd all be put in jail; the audience
would walk out; no actor who ever
hoped to play Hamlet would even audi-
tion; ultimately, there would be a de-
mand for onstage sexual intercourse.

No," countered the reality starved
playwright, “the next thing 1 want to
show is the agony of a guy on a hot
date running a race with his bladder.”

There are some r i
Anderson was sayin

good
ter^?
view.
been

theater. But what is "good thea
Anderson takes a conservative
He feels that the rebels who
exploiting nudity and audi
participation have simply "thrown
of red paint over everything.
used up valuable areas of
For

Anderson,
з a place where the play-

the theater
wright tries 10
tially, he
for the aud

say something." Essen
1 the best way
is to sit back
id listen.

ists and directors

ina

т couldn't disagree more.
want the audience sitting
safely in the dark, They want to knock
down the barrier between art and life
and make the audience part of the ac
tion. Drama will then become
ritual, where everybody is involved
the sound and fury is all around
Nudity is part of that revolution. li
stands for freedom, for shedding old ta-
boos, for throwing off the up-tight cor
ventions of the older generation. Nudity

ned to hide behind
roles, nudity сап be a challenge. Actors
ve to work fice of their own inhibi-
tions in order to peel before an au-
dience. Perhaps this kind of liberation
will work for the audience, too. Instead
of hiding behind conventional responses,
it will come alive, jolted by the con.
frontation of naked self with naked self.

Nobody has jolted theatergoers as elec
trically as has director Тот O'Horgan,
A veteran of the off-off-Broadway La
Mama Troupe, O'Horgan broke through
last season with three award-winning
shows: Hair, Futz! and Tom Paine,

The nude scene in Hair became the
classic, mainly because it was the first
time Broadway had ever seen beautiful
young hippies—or any actors, for that
matter—stark, raving naked. According
to the script, the scene was a bein at
the end of the first act. And according
to O'Horgan, be-ins are events wh
stripping comes naturally. So he had
hippies clamber out of their beads and
clothes under a рашу drape, then pop
up through coy little holes to face the
audience full front. The lighting is dim,
not for modestys sake but so an over-
head projector bathe the hippies

with images of flowers. And bec: the
scene is dark, some onlookers miss the
together, Others snap away

O'Horgan decorates Tom Paine. Paul
Foster's story of the American Revolu-
tion's great pamphleteer, with rol n
songs, acrobatics and strange musical
struments. He even has the actors im-
provise а debate with the audience
Then there is a nude scene. a dream se
quence fashioned after а William Bla

water color. (Blake was a friend of
ncs) O'Horgan found that covering
the actors with opaque black drapes
looked "heavy and weird.” so he
stripped the cast, then dad them in di
aphanous chill Thus, the boys
nd girls swirl around the sleeping
aine, their bodies fully visible beneath
their flowing robes. Besides this fero
cious sexual nightmare, there's another,
seldomreported nude scene
Paine. To emphasize a moment of “can-
balistic horror,” O Horgan has “freshly
” soldiers, their pants pulled down
shirts pulled up, strapped to poles
and paraded across stage. Here, exposure
is meant to be brutal, not seductive.

In Futz!, O'Horgan uses nudity for
quick shock. A mother visits her son
al, where he awaits hanging as a
rapistmurderer. To comfort him, she
bares her breasts and—depending on the
actress playing the role—suckles him or
merely folds his head within her dress.
Overtones of Madonna and child. But
O'Horgan is after high parody, not pa
thos. So he quickly shapes the mother

nd son into a Renaissance Pietà, then
exaggerates their sexual intimacy by
having the mother stick her leg down
her son's shirt. Then he sticks his head
up her skirt. And, in a final triumph of
impudence, he asks, "Why couldn't 1
have been my own father?” For an
answer, she slaps him.

Th d of bitter buffoonery could
hardly be misread as “commercial expl
tation," But the box-office potential of

nudity has not been lost on producers.
(Hairs producer, Michael Butler, has
pegged a dozen of his seats at an awe
some, record-breaking $50.) But precisely
because nudity is so fashionable, some
producers will have none of
Merrick has “absolutely, unequivocally
mo plans for nude scenes in any of his
productions. His complacent reasoning
“H you can sing Stormy Weather, you
don’t need to take off your clothes."

OlFof-Broadway _ playwright-prod
Ed Wode admits he “took a ch
with nudity out of desperation, in order
to pet publicity for the little theater 1
started." Wode's farce about
racism, Christmas Turkey, pu
nude chick on а tabletop pl
never moved and seldom said
But she was pretty and naked. And the
play ran a respectable 14 weeks,

With him, Wode
returned 10 the classics, booking plays
by Strindberg, Garcia Lorca and Brecht
Then he came back with another crea.
tion. The Fall oj Atlantis, which features
another total nude. She's a daughter of
Aphrodite, and she moves around and
Suggests intercourse with a parrot m
"I was tempted to present the real thing,”
says Wode, who claims to have had two
willing actors. "But I'm not cut to be

(concluded on. page 197)

She

this success behind

"I've a good mind to dress like that myself sometime, and when
they come falling all over me, ГИ cut them dead."

PLAYBOY

108

caused hardly a ripple. By 1895, the silver
bonanza was all over.

The Federal Government had opted
for the gold standard and Aspen, a town
built literally оп top of a fabulous for-
tune, found itself bankrupt and appar-
ently doomed. The miners fled to the
gold camps, the girls from Hunter and
Spring streets followed, and the mine
shafts slowly filled with water. All that
was lelt to mark Aspen's brief romance
with prosperity and a braver age was the

ame of the river that skirted the town
to the north, the Roaring Fork. That
ind the massive silence of the surround.
ing mountains.

It took the Second World War to re-
vive Aspen. The Tenth Division Moun-
tain Infantry went into taining at Camp
Hale and the instructors who toiled up
the liftless slopes took one look at the
terrain d decreed the new boom—
skiing. Two years after the War was over
another land rush. launched in As
pen; and if it lacked some of the color
of the old silver d: ї was no less
frenzied. Abandoned mining properties
that had a year earlier changed hands for
$100 now became unobtainable at аі
most any price, while deserted houses
whose Victorian parlors had been used
playgrounds by the town’s children
were quickly snapped up by the new
wave of cager prospectors.

There was also a culture boom in
Aspen. It was begun by the late Wal
epcke, chairman of the board of
ner Corporation of America, who
thought the town was a perlect summer
setting lor cultural festivals. Albert
Schweitzer left his jungle mission to de-
liver a lecture in the former mining town
nd José Ortega y Gasset, the Spanish
philosopher, made his first journey out of
Spain to deliver another, Great sympho-

orchestras. performed, the restored
opera house rang to Wagnerian rendi
tons by Traubel and Melchior, and a
host of intellectuals rtists gathered
from all corners of the globe for the an-
nual seminars at the newly created Aspen
Institute for Humanistic Studies.

In the winter of 1950, Aspen was
chosen for the site of the World Ski
Championships, by which time the
town’s [uture was finally settled. A coma
that had lasted half a century was over.
one of the largest and
resorts in the world (as

nd big-
gest. tains, miles of
forested trails and open slopes, and
seven chair lifts capable of moving 5500
skiers every hou
There are really four ski areas in
Greater Aspen—Buttermilk, Snowmass,
Aspen Highlands and Aspen itself. Shu
Че buses connect them and tickets for
lifts and instruction are interchangeable
Each n in the region offers

moui

ners and їп.

different challenges—bey
termediates at Buttermilk, ind
experts at Aspen Highlands and a mix
ture of all classes at Aspen and Snow-
mass.

Most people stay in Aspen because
it’s the only genuine town in the ar
and it’s where the action is found after
dark, The Highlands and Buuermilk,
though excellent for skiing, are not self-
sulfident resorts, although accommoda-
tions lands.
and both have restaurants. After Aspen,
the Highlands is the most popular of
the four. Swissborn Fred Iselin, onc of
Aspen’s earliest pioneers, opened the
town’s first ski school in 1947, and today
Tuns an excellent 80-instructor ski clinic
in the Highlands. Co-author (along with
pLaynoy Editorial Director А. C. Spec-
torsky) of Invitation to Modern Shing,
Iselin has taught his international ski
technique to such pupils as Leonard
Bernstein, William Wyler and Kim No-
vak. Knowledgeable male visitors make
int of skiing all four areas, because
the bases of the moun-
nd on the slopes that people meet
e plans for the evening. In fact,
any of the skiers who are lifted to the
lfway stops spend the entire day on
the sun deck, taking in the view and the
abundant talent, and donning their skis
only to descend at day's end.

nowmass is a full-time resort with
ns, condominium apartments, restau-
rants, night clubs, a theater-banquet
hall shops and all the usual reson
fittings, induding a school run by the
famous Stein Eriksen. It's about ten
miles from the town of Aspen, much of
the distance on а loose-dirt road that
will have been paved by the time you
read this.
he quickest way to all four areas is
by Aspen Airlines, which operates direct
flights from Denver. They give you a
low-level and breath-taking view of the
Rocl nd И the ride is bumpy, as it
often is, it doesn't last too long. The se:
son runs from late fall to the end of
April, by which time the aspens that
gave the town its name have their spring.
patina of fine dust that is kicked up by
every passing vehicle on the thawing
streets.

There's nothing sedate or delicate
about the new Aspen in midwinter, the
height of the ski season. If it is a town
that came back from the dead, it doesn't
show it. Three-pointtwo beer, the leg
maximum for under-2Is but over-18s in
lo. flows like the spillover from a
t dam: The 80-odd hotels are filled to
capacity, as are the 10 or so restaurants.
And the dozen night clubs are choked
with customers whose bleary sun-
scorched faces will be seen early th
next morning hanging over endless cups
of strong black coffee in the calés at the
bases of the slopes.

The majority of visitors scem to be

novices

young and single, though at the town's
heady altitude of just under 8000 feet
(more Шап 11,000 at the summit), few
who arrive unattached spend very long
in that state. Indeed, Aspen is perhaps
the most popular winter resort in North
America with college-age visitors of both
sexes—many of whom take part-time jobs
for the scason—and with the under-30s.

An influx of hippies, if that word
still has any meaning, hà evit;
angered and disturbed the town's coi
servative element, which is solidly ci
trenched in the local tourist industry.
One renowned Aspen magistrate, a
restaurant owner whose Tyrolean stcak-
house bears a sign prohibiting long-
haired customers, is reputed to impose
excessive penalties оп shaggy defend
nts who appear in his courtroom, a fre-
quent occurrence in a town
people fecl is overly policed. A peti
was circulated earlier this year for the
removal of the magistrate and though it
was signed by many of the prominent
liberals in town, it was rejected by the
town council. Aspenites recall with con
siderable delight that the Federal Bu
reau of Investigation caught up with
one of its ten-most-wanted men not too
long ago—he was employed as a chef's
helper in the kitchen of the magistrate's
restaurant,

Aspen in the winter is а oncindustry
sm. People go there to ski
and sometimes to skate or take a ride
on a dog sled; and when theyre not
doing any of these, they're eating
of the town's many excellent restau
dancing or being entertained at th
clubs and bars or just partying in anoth-

IS owns its own homes or condo-
ms, but most of the people who po
to Aspen don't get invited to the private
affairs, which means they remain tour
ists and which also means they get no
chance to take part, even for a short
time, in the established social life of the
town. itself.

This, of course, is true of any large
resort; but in Aspen, the sense of being
a transient stranger is heightened by the
natural difficulties of the terrain and the
hazards of the climate. After a heavy
snowfall, the smaller roads are blocked.
Should you feel like exploring some of
the nearby ghost towns, such as Ash
croft, Independence or Ruby, you can't.
ї you can do, however, if you're
looking for respite from the slopes or
from the clattering of beer mugs, is ex-
plore what liule is left of the old Aspen
—the Victorian houses that were built to
last forever, the ruins of the mining
equipment that lies by the river (there's
supposed to be an old locomotive some
where behind the courthouse, but 1
couldn't. find it)—and play the popul
tourist game of searching [or the bullet
(continued on page 212)

COLORLESS
IN LIMESTONE
CAVERNS

like those blind fish from
the depths of the earth,

the scientists mind floated
zn submarine darkness

fiction By ALLAN SEAGER

THE METAL TANK containing Rein:
hart's fish occasioned no excite:
ment when it arrived. Why should
it have? From the same truck ap
peared a crate containing a mag
nificent puma, somewhat gaunt,
rendered languid by the tranquil.
izers the shipper had injected,
and a plywood box full of
holes, holding six pungent skunks.
Such shipments were routine and.
the lab helpers—morose, giggling
men from the university main:
tenance department—vwere used
adling them

if Reinhart had known
just which truck it would be and
exactly the time it would appear,
he would have been glad to
drive his new car out to meet it
on the superhighway and escort
his fsh int илен amd supervise
their safe stowage in the labora.
tory. He was terribly excited.
However, he knew that the dig:
nity of his new estate forbade
such gerness. He had

me professor (hence the car
aing a bicycle) and he
ave to restrain himself
€ the notification of his
fishes’ arrival through the proper
channel, a bill of lading in his
mailbox.

The lemurs had gotten him
tenure, tenure at 29. ("Fabel
hajt his mother had said.) He
had taken six of them, frightened
them by banging on iron bars.
touching off a pistol full of
blanks and playing records of
horn music and train wreck

d noted their reactions with
the patience of a Chinaman.
‘Then he had removed the frontal
lobes of their brains. When they
had recovered, he frightened
them again. Deprived of their
frontal lobes, the monkeys be
haved differently. From this cle

nt experiment, Reinhart had
drawn enough useful conclusions
to make up six papers for the
learned — (continued on page IH)

ILLUSTRATION

PSYCHOCHEMISTRY:
PERSONALITY
BY PRESCRIPTION

today's drugs can turn you on or off, bend your mind and alter your
perception, but tomorrow's will do everything from curtailing your need
for sleep to boosting your intellect and even reshaping your psyche

article Ву ERNEST HAVEMANN as anyone can plain-
ly see, this is one of mankind's strangest eras. On the one hand,
all is pessimism: The world is plagued by violence, starvation,
crpopulation and alienation. Yet never have so many well-
formed men been so rosily optimistic: There is a strong
school of thought holding that all our problems are basically
chemical and will soon yield to solution as readily as the ques-
tion of what happens when two atoms of hydrogen join with
an atom of oxygen. (In case you have forgotten, H, -}O—H,O;
namely, water. As simple as all that.)

Te is typical of our era that Dr. Glenn Seaborg, chairman
of the Atomic Energy Commission, should have taken time
out from worrying about the atom to tell an audience of
women, not entirely in jest, that they will soon have a mar-
velous "antigrouch pill” to sweeten the dispositions of their
menfolk. (Presumably, it could be slipped into the unsus-
pecting male's morning coffce, like a lump of sugar, to turn
him from terrible tiger to purring kitten.)

It is also typical that two other respected thinkers, one a
scientist and one an author, should have placed the rather
humorous-sounding antigrouch pill on a serious global basis.
The scientist, Dr. Heinz Lehmann of Canada's McGill
University, has predicted an "antiaggression drug" that will
overcome what seem up to now to bc the natural human
tendencies to pick quarrels and to make war. The author,
Arthur Koestler, claims in his The Ghost in the Machine that
most of man's troubles are caused by a conflict between his
"old br: which controls his emotions, and his "new
brain," which determines his thoughts; this gap will eventu-
ally be bridged by a drug that will give us all a “coordinat-
ed, harmonious state of mind,” making us far too contented
to fret or to fight.

There are also respected researchers on record as believing
that man will soon have drugs that will cure major
mental disturbances, eliminate his fears and anxieties, keep
him fat or lean at will, let him decide for himself how long,
if at all, he cares to sleep, make him much smarter than ever
before and even permit him to live longer. You name it and
there is somebody—not a wild-eyed visionary but a sane and
skeptical scientist—who believes it is just around the corner.

Are we really on the verge of a chemical breakthrough in
the control of human personality?

If you were a psychiatrist at a mental hospi
would have to think so. You might be inclined to say,
indced, that the breakthrough has already been made.
What has happened in the mental hospitals has taken place
so rapidly and spectacularly that the events have outsped
communications; they constitute one of the great untold
and unappreciated stories of our time. Few people know
about it except the veteran staff members who worked in
the hospitals in the old days—meaning before about 1955—
and who work there yet.

In the mid-Fifties, there were 560,000 patients in mental
hospitals and the figure was rising by 12,000 a year. For all
practical purposes, the hospitals might have borne the same
legend that Dante said was inscribed on the gates of hell,
“All hope abandon, ye who enter here.” Some of the
patients were in strait jackets, lest they kill one another
or the guards, Some of them were in wet packs—wrapped
in wet sheets in a bathtub—in an attempt to cool them
down. The wards were full of men and women tearing out
their hair, cursing, using the floors for toilets. Even the
calmest of the patients were terrified of the future. The
staffs were overworked and frustrated; there was time only
to guard the overcrowded buildings and prevent trouble,
no time at all to practice the intensive psychotherapy that
was then considered the only possible glimmer of chance

for improvement. Everybody knew that the very atmos
phere of a mental hospital was enough to drive a normal
man crazy, that almost nobody could be expected to recov-
er there; yet for the hopelessly disturbed patients of the
day, there was no alternative.

Into this dismal picture, one day, there suddenly
dropped the first of the chemical weapons against mental
disease—two tranquilizers discovered at almost the same
instant chlorpromazine and reserpine. Physicians gave one
or the other to their most difficult patients and sat back in
utter disbelief, Dr. Nathan S. Kline, the veteran research
director of New York's Rockland State Hospital, still dis-
plays the excitement of the successful explorer when he
recalls what happened: “We knew the minute we tried the
drugs that this was it. We knew it not after the first one hun-
dred patients, not after the first fifty, but after the first six.”

Today, of course, there are many tranquilizers, all of
which have a remarkably benign effect on the schizophrenic
patients who have the world's most crippling psychosis.
There are also drugs to combat the symptoms of depres
sion, another common psychosis, as well as the symptoms of
the manic state that often alternates with depression. The
atmosphere in the mental hospitals has totally changed.
They arc less crowded now—425,000 patients instead of
560,000. The patients are far less destructive, far less terrified,
far more “normal” in their behavior. The staffs have more
time to treat the patients, with individual or group psycho-
therapy as well as medicine. And patients do recover; more
than twice as many as before go back to rejoin their families
and to work at jobs, like anybody else. In human terms, the
improvement is nothing short of magnificent. Even in cold
financial terms, the drugs to control mental disturbances have
been of astounding value. Dr. Kline estimates that they have
saved the U.S. some 20 п dollars in the cost of new
buildings and beds and continuing care that would otherwise
have had to be provided for the mentally disturbed

All this, in the almost unanimous opinion of the research.
ers, is only the begi It is a cliché in psychiatric circles
to say that the present mind drugs do not cure mental
disturbance but only relieve the symptoms, thus enabling the
patient to live a more normal life and sometimes making
him amenable to the talking-out benefits of intensive psy
chotherapy that may get at the roots of his conflicts. Tha
to say, most psychiatrists and psychologists and almost all
psychoanalysts continue to believe that mental disturbances
are usually functional—caused by some kind of disturbance in
personality dynamics—rather than due to physical causes.
Yet even the functional theorists tend to believe that better
drugs are on the way. Dr. Sherwyn Woods, director of
graduate education. psychiatry at the University of
Southern California, is, for example, one of those who
believe that the basic cause of schizophrenia lies in func
tional problems in thinking and human relations, Yet Dr.
Woods also believes that the functional problems lead to
or are associated with biochemical disturbances that determine
the symptoms of schizophrenia, and he believes that even the
most stubborn symptoms will mostly prove treatable with new
drugs. “Within twenty years,” he says, “we should have chemi-
cals that are effective in controlling hallucinations and de-
lusions and making paticnts far more comfortable than they
are even today.”

Even more optimistic are those psychiatrists who, impressed
by the success of the tranquilizers and antidepressants, are
beginning to think that all serious mental disturbance is
basically biochemical in nature, some kind of abnormal bodily
chemistry that poisons the brain and makes it act in strange
and unfortunate ways. Dr. Kline, for example, says flatly,

11

PLAYBOY

12

"E think schizophrenia is probably an
organic disorder, and Fm almost sure
that 80 percent of depressions are or
ganic.” In his private practice, Dr. Kline
relies strictly on medications and no
longer practices any psychotherapy at all.
("Some of my patients" he concedes,

“wem to be disappointed that 1 don't
ask them

bout their sex lives and mas-
nd sibling rivalry and all
I guess I lose some of them that
) And Dr. Kline is one of those
who forecast that new medicines will pre-
vent even that currently hopeless form
of psychosis caused by damage to the
brain due to senility. (“The trouble with
the human brain,” he says, "is that it's
grown too big for the human skull; it
doesn't get enough blood supply, espe
cially as we get older. But someday
we'll find a new way of nourishing it
d keeping its cells from dying olk”)
If all psychoses are organic, then all
of them theoretically can be cured—or at
least controlled, completely and. perma-
nently, like diabetes—with the right kind
of medicine. Indeed, a situation might
ise similar to one of the present
n physical medicine. Nowa
almost beter to have pncumor
which can easily be cured with antl
ics, than а common cold, for which no
cure exists. Someday it may be better to
have a major psychosis, curable with
some specific drug of the future, than to
have onc of the minor psychoneurotic
disorders, such as ап anxiety state ога
sexual obsession, which even Dr. Klin
and his fellow theorists consider to be
functional in origin and treatable only
with. psychotherapy
What is the layman to think about
the argument of functional versus or
ganic? Until recently, the functional
viewpoint had all the better of it; all at-
tempts to find a physical b ended in
either failure or controversy. Now, how-
ever, the scales may be tipping; there is
strong new cvidence that any one of
several physical abnormalities may be
associated with schizophrenia. One of
them concerns a part of the blood p
ma known as alpha-2-globulin. This
substance present in everybody's
blood stream; but in the blood of schizo-
phrenics, it has been found in amounts
far above normal. The finding is particu-
larly impressive because it was made
ndependently by three research labor:
Чез, two in the United States and one
n the Soviet Union. One of the re-
searchers, Dr. Jacques Gottlieb of the
Lafayette Clinic in Detroit, theorizes
that an excess amount of alpha-2-globu-
may bore its way into brain cells and
ase them to function something li
short-circuited switchboard,
Another possibility also has been
covered by several researchers, among
them, C. A. Clarke of the University of
iverpool; they have found that the
e of schizophrenics, but not the

ie of normal people, often contains a
complicated chemical called DMPE.
This chemical has a structure that is
similar both to adrenaline, which is se-
creied in large amounts by the human
adrenal gland in states of stress and
emotion, and to mescaline, a che al
found in a Southwestern cactus plar
that was chewed by primitive American
Indians to produce a binge that looks
for all the world like some forms of
schizophrenia. The Clarke findings
would seem to indicate that schizophren
ics. owing to some hereditary defect in
burning off their adrenaline, might be
continuously intoxicated by a mescaline-
like chemical produced by their own
bodies.

Without much fanfare, this sort of
possibility has now been carried a мер
further. Dr. Mark D. Altschule, a Har-
vard scientist, and his colleague Dr.
Zoltan L. Hegedus have announced the
discovery, made in a test tube, that lı

ns enzymes that can
convert е into several chemicals
called “brain poisoning indoles," presum-
bly capable of causing all kinds of mer
tal aberrations. Moreover, reported Drs.
Altschule and Hegedus, the tendency to
produce large quantities of these indoles
seems to be greater in schizophrenics
than in normal people and also to be
hereditary; it appears to be higher among
the relatives of schizophrenics th
among other people. Score another point
for the theory that the body and brain
of the schizophrenic might be a sort of
hereditary chemical factory for convert-
ing adrenaline into iis own intoxicants,

A great many scientists are now work.
ing on biochemical research into menta
disturbances, following these leads and
seeking new ones. Even Dr. Linus Paul-
ng. the Nobel Prize winner, came out
this year with a new organic theory of
mental disturbance. Dr. Pauling has de
cided that normal mental functioning
depends on the presence of many kinds
of molecules, including those of many of
the B vitamins, vitamin C, uric acid and
other substances normally present in the
brain. The average person, Dr. ng
contends, gets enough of these sub-
stances from his daily diet or produces
them in sufficient quantity through hi
own bodily chemistry. The mentally ill
person, however, owing to some kind of
hereditary difference, needs more of them,
because he burns them off faster or cannot
produce them as efficiently. His bodily
chemistry, especially the chemistry of his
brain, is off in such a way as to make him
suffer, in effect, from a deficiency disease,
like rickets or scurvy. The way to treat
him, says Dr. Pauling, is to pinpoint the
deficiency and correct it—a new kind of
treatment that he calls orthomolecular
psychiatry (meaning to provide the right
mount of the right molecules at the right
time and place). Dr. Pauling's theory has
been challenged by some psychiat

ists—

but his record shows t
afe 10 dismiss his id
There is one form of brain abnorma
ty, it should be added,
treated successfully with a specific drug
for many years. This is epilepsy, not a
psychosis but a strange disorder in
which parts of the brain seem to be

hardly

li-
that has been

come overexcitable, leading from tim
to time to what might be called elec

trical explosions, accompanied by sei
zur ranging Irom mild blackouts
to intense convulsions. Julius Caesar
suffered from epileptic "fis." and so
would more than 1,000,000 people to
lay, were it not for a drug called Dilan-

? restores the

nerve cells to normal excitability
prevents them from firing 100
quickly or too often; its use permits

most epilepsy patients to lead perfectly
normal lives, free from fear of a seizure
Recently, there has been speculatio
that Dilantin may also relieve some
kinds of depression. control irrational
anger and break the obsessive, "round-
and-round" thinking patterns that scem

ue many people. (The noted
Jack Dreyfus. Jr, who reports
that his own mood and thinking abilities
have been greatly improved by Dilantin.
as set up a foundation to explore these
possibilities)

Besides relicving the symptoms of
mental discase—or possibly even curing
-what else the chemical break.
through do? One thing it has already
done is revolutionize human sexual be-
havior; for the first time in man’s histo-
ту, it has separated the sex act from the
act of procreation. To most Americans
today, the word “pill” means one thing
first and foremost—the birth-control pill,
99.7 percent effective in preventing preg
nancy. The pill is by far the most ef
ficient method of birth control ever
vented; indeed, it is the only sure
method, short of sterilization. It works.
by delicately tinkering with the female
hormone cycle and thus preventing the
monthly release of a ripe egg. No egg,
по pregnancy—regardless of when sexual
intercourse takes place.

As good as the pill is. it has some
ntages. Some women object to
it must be taken every day
20 days and then stopped for cight
days: they have trouble remembering.
Never mind. Soon woman will be
able to go to her physician and get a
single shot that will do the job for three
months, and. no remembering. necessary
Or, if she finds it more conve:
she will switch to the new “т
ready tested and found
This one will be taken every
of the year,
the calens The same hormoi used
in the minipill could even be im-
planted under the skin, in a slightly

(continued on page 134)

day
id no need to consult

BOLD AND BRAWNY [иг greatcoats, with a
look that's right out of F. Scott Fitzgera

are this season's smartest trappings. Av

able in a variety of sumptuous skins—
seal, bear, beaver and marmot, among
others—greatcoats bring a new warming
trend to the frostiest of football stadia.
And their calf length, thick pelts and
full lapels help the urbanite weather the

attire By ROBERT L. GREEN
a fur-out way to
kick off the big game season

PHOTOGRAPH BY ALEXAS URBA

fiercest blizzard in great style. The stal-
wart sportsman standing here—accom-
panied by a jazzy cheering section aboard
a vintage Packard touring car—is

ionably furred for the day's big game in
а windowpane-plaid six-button double-
breasted Chinese marmot great greatcoat
featuring a high, wide collar and deep
slash pockets, by Georges Kaplan, $795.

be

PLAYBO

14

LIMESTONE CAVERNS (continued from page 109)

journals. They had given the department
a slight but definite cachet and he had
been rewarded, a coming man.

Reinhart did not really know why he
had chosen fish for this experiment. A
city boy. he had never seen fish except
dead in the market, their sea hues fad-
ed, their tails curling. He had not ex-
hausted the experimental possibilities of
lemurs, by any means, yet he had been
drawn uminquiringly to hsh.
hey were southern cave fish, Typh-
lichthys subterraneus, "colorless in lime-
stone caverns,” his books had said. "The
body bristles with nerve endings keyed
to detect’ moving worms and crus
taceans.” They were totally blind. In-
deed, when Reinhart first saw them in
the glass tank in the laboratory, he had
switched on the light and the four of
them sank to the gravel bottom of the
tank and lay inert among the он
shells. Although they could not see, they
were apparently sensitive to light. И was
not a word Reinhart had ever used, even
to himself, but they seemed full of deco-
rum. He was fascinated.

He went home to tell his wife. She
was a thin little girl with a rather pretty
face, from Hunter College. She met him
at the door as she did customarily, de-
lighted as she was customarily.

She said, "You can't wear jeans to the
lab anymore. You'll have to wear your
She adored his promotion.

‘Sara, they came. The fish," he said.

"Are they—all right?" she asked. What
does one say about fish, суеп one's
husband's?

He looked her straight in the еуез, ex-
pecting her to understand him. “They're
wonderful.”

She waited for him to tell her more,
but he sat down on the couch with his
hands hanging between his knees, silent.
"Thus, without any inkling of it, he began
to grow away from her.

He was silent through the eggplant
and cheese and the little chocolate
sundaes from the supermarket. She had
never seen him like this and she thought
he was ill. Gently, she urged him to go
to bed. Docilely, he went. She gave him
two aspirins and a glass of water. As she
turned off the light, he said, "If you
turn on the light, they sink to the bottom
of the tank.”

This was a warning, but how could
she take it as such? She thought he had
a touch of flu.

In the morning, he was up earlier
than usual. He bustled through shaving
and bustled into his clothes. He never
busted. He was standing by the stove
looking out the window,
n she came out in her pajamas. “How
are you feeling, David?" she asked.

He looked at her as if her question
were odd and unpredictable. He said,
“Why, fine. 1 feel good.” And he re-

sumed looking out thc window. He
loved her, of course, but they had been
married long enough so he did not think
about it. They once had long talks about
the future. He had been a virile, healthy
man, concerned about his career; and
now, for the first time, she thought, he
is ill—he has the flu and the fever that
goes with it. She wanted to coax him
back to bed and minister to him, but he
left the apartment without embracing
her, hardly saying goodbye. How
she to know?

The lab was dark, Even the assistants
had not yet arrived. Reinhart switched
on the light over the fishes’ tank. As if
stunned, the fish arrested their suave
glidings and sank, their fins rippling,
down to the gravel bottom, where they
lay, three of them on their sides, one
propped on its belly against a shell.

He drew up a stool and watched
them. Without any regret or alarm, he
could feel his entire research project
slipping away from him. He had
thought himself interested in their feed-
ing habits and he had conceived
project to be an attempt to prove which
way they swam to their food—recti
early or in an 5 curve. Now it did not
seem to matter. Were they beautiful?
He watched them, the smooth vestigial
sockets of their blind eyes, their strange
transparent bodies with their internal
organs shaded throughout their interiors
as if with some cryptic writing. He sat
there the whole morning, his chin on.
hands. At lunchtime, he turned off the
light, dropped some worms and tiny
shrimps into the tank and went out to
eat his own lunch, not out of a brown
paper bag anymore but in a restaurant.

When he returned after lunch, he
switched on the light again. The hsh
sank to their floor of gravel, as if
shocked, and this time all four lay on
their sides. He stared down at them. Ir
had been years since the blind —blind
humans, that is—had aroused any sym-
pathy in him. It had been bitten by
ir dogs clubbed down by their
canes, shut away in their Braille novels,
its voice drowned out by their free
records supplied by the state. Every-
thing was done for the sightless human;
nothing, for these. Nor did they need
nything. Cosseting his mind with a
phrase remembered from some literature
course, he said to himself, “In the Stygi-
an gloom of their caverns, their lives are
simple.” And they, no one else, had
modified all the strings of their nerves to
enhance those simple lives. Reinhart
was lost in admiration.

Each morning he came to the lab, sat
ng on his stool for four hours, gave
them darkness and food at noon, ate his
lunch in a student restaurant. where his
colleagues did not go and, afterward, he
stared at the fish again until six o'clock.

ма

He did not ask himself why. "Thoughts
darted through his mind continually and
he did not believe he was idle.

He ate well, slept nine hours a night,
but he and his wife no longer con
versed. He would answer direct ques
tions after a pause during which he
seemed to be returning from some dis
tance: otherwise, he did not speak. He
never asked for a beer. He did not
watch the new television set. He seemed
as willing to sit in one chair as another,
his eyes wide open, his hands dangling
from the end of the chair arms, his feet
flat on the floor. He was relaxed and
calm. It was his calmness that fright-
ed her; yet, since he had been in
analysis only two years before, she re-
jected a fear of any psychic disorder.
For a day or two, she entertained the
pandemic bugbear of the faculty wife,
another woman, but she was forced to
reject that also—he was home every
night. He went to bed at nine o'clock.
He did say, "Gi 2

She had quit her job when he was
promoted and she had little to do but
worry. One day she caught up with him
as he was returning from lunch and said
she wanted to see the fish, "AIL right,”
he said, pleasantly enough. She had of-
ten visited his lab. Trained as a psycholo-
gist at Hunter, she understood his work
and its importance, and she liked to
keep up with his projects.

The lab was in darkness, but he
found his way to the light switch easily
and, following him, she was just in time
to see the fish stop swiniming and sink
decorously, their fins and tails rippling,
to the bottom.

“Why, they're luminosensitive, even if
they are blind.” She said that, “Lumino-
sensitive.”

"Yes."

"But you can't observe their feeding
habits in darkness.”

He did not answer. He had pulled up
the stool and sat down with his head
between his hands, watching the fish.

She began to chatter nervously. “But
Гуе got a great idea. 1 know what you
can do. You can get an infrared camera
and photograph them, no matter how
dark it is.”

He turned his head and looked at her.
"Why?" he said. softly.

“OF course, you'll have to apply for a
supplementary grant. . . . What did you
зау?”

He had turned back to the fish and
did not reply. She watched the fish and
then him for a minute and went away
despondent. She had only tried to help.

It was not an easy decision, but she
called his mother in New York and
asked her to come out. Since she could
not tell her exactly what was the matter
with him, her statements seemed cryptic
and sinister and they alarmed Mrs.

(concluded on page 190)

HOW
DOES THAT MAKE

YOU FEEL?

what to star married to what sex symbol pulled a gun on what $100-an-hour shrink?

fiction By JEFFERY HUDSON ar rour o’cLock
on Thursday afternoon, Peter Finney rushed past the
beautiful receptionist in the waiting room and burst
into Dr. Eyck's teak-paneled Hollywood office. There,
seated behind his fr orm, polished desk, beneath the
Picasso sketch, to the right of the Giacometti sculpture,
was Dr. Eyck

"You bastard," Finney said. "You stinking, rotting
bastard.”

If Dr. Eyck was surprised, he gave no indication, He
ILLUSTRATION BY BERNARD NCDONALD

glanced at his watch and said mildly, "You're early
today, Peter. Is something troubling you?”

“You're goddamned right,” Finney said. "You're god-
damned right, you slimy, crud-coated Kraut.”

Dr. Eyck stroked his goatee thoughtfully and nodded
toward the black morocco couch. “Do you want to talk
about itr”

“Hell, no,” Finney said, kicking the couch. "I'm tired
of talking. I'm tired of pouring out my heart to you
at a hundred bucks an (continued on page 156)

115

page
young, mixes her media—art

and aquatics—at her malibu hideaway

| “aus соор THINGS ARE WILD AND FREE,” observed Henry David Thoreau about a century ago, there-
by providing Paige Young—who counts the New England iconoclast among her favorite authors—
with a perfect capsule summary of her outlook on the world. Avoiding the hemmed-in routine that
leads to what she likes to call “the nine-tofive doldrums,” Miss November has created for herself an

Though she's devoted to her ort, Poige Young sovors her leisure hours with equal vitolity, filling them with ventures
as varied as all outdoors—where she spends most of her free time. "То be an artist,” she says, "you have to be com-
pletely tuned in to yourself and your environment. | guess that's why 1 dig nature so much; it has the kind of elementol
beauty and energy that | try to put into my painting. I learn more by being outside than | could in any art course.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY PETER GOWLAND

Before leaving her studio for a morning of scuba diving, Paige pauses before a recent creation—her portroil of Truman Capole.
“Tve been offered five hundred dollars for it,” she says, “but Capote is a hero of mine and I'd like to give il to him someday." A
quick trip to a Santo Monica Canyon shop that rents scubo gear yields the required equipment—plus some tips from a helpful sales-
mon. Minutes later, a wet-suited Paige, bobbing in the chilly water, is joined by a fellow mariner displaying a lobster he's speared.

Inviting several other skindiving enthusiasts back to her beach-front studio for a broiled-lobster cookout, Miss November takes
expert charge of the culinary duties. After the meal, everyone moves indoors for a folk-song session—during which Paige gives the
group a sneak preview of с self-portrait in progress. Paige and a friend later that afternoon transport a selection of her paintings for
a showing in Westwood's Eros Gallery—where, that night, she attends to the pleasant business of chatting with prospective customers.

MISS NOVEMBER »Lavaor's rixrmare оғ me MONTH

untrammeled life style as a free-lance artist. "Painting for a living is a struggle,” she says. "I have to work
at it, but at least my time is my own and I'm working for myself—not for some impersonal corpora-
tion." Brought up in Los Angeles and currently based in a beachside Malibu studio, Paige is an enthusi-
astic eclectic in matters artistic—painting (and selling) everything from portraits and neoimpressionist
seascapes to bold abstractions. About the only trend that leaves her cold is pop: “It’s real and it says
something about today's culture—but I wouldn't waste my paint on it. I can do without the pop scene
in general; it gives me a headache." No fan of the far-out fads and plastic pleasures that abound in Cali-
fornia, Miss November prefers such traditional alfresco activities as invigorating romps along the shore
and peaceful strolls through the woods. Paige also boasts a creative culinary flair and likes nothing better
than orchestrating an exotic dinner for a deserving date—followed by a fireside dessert and plenty of
good conversation. “If people would just sit down and really talk to, instead of at, each other, I'm sure
they'd be a lot happier,” says Paige—who, were sure you'll agree, is something worth talking about.

Lured away from her canvas by Joshua, her Weimaraner, Paige has a friendly tussle with him—then uses the interruption
as an excuse for a spirited sprint along the beach. “I'm a sucker for the seashore,” she admits, “and Joshua knows it."

PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES

According to a waggish pundit we know, the
trouble with political jokes is that they some-
times get elected.

Our Unabashed Dictionary defines high noon
as a fourmartini lunch.

A colonel was chatting with a young second
lieutenant in the officers’ dub when a major
approached, coughed discreetly and said he'd
like to speak to the colonel about a matter of

some importance. “Go ahead," said the colonel.

‘d rather not in front of the lieutenant,
murmured the major.
Well,” observed the colonel, "spell it, then.”

Any bad habits, Miss Anderson?" asked the
interviewing a shapely secretarial
‘Gumchewing, tardiness, gossiping,

Our Unabashed Dictionary defines Jamaica as
what's usually asked of a fraternity man when
he comes back from a date.

Enervated by his life's hectic pace, the swing-
er determined to take a leisurely drive across
the country. At first the pastoral sights pleased
him, but by the time he got to Kansas, he was
dying for some action. Pulling into the only
gas station in a small town one Saturday eve-
ning, he asked the attendant, "Is there any

the native replied. "She
moved to Chicago.

We recently attended a wedding where the
bride was six months pregnant—the guests all
threw pulled rice.

Our Unabashed Dictionary defines primate as
а sultan's favorite wile.

For several weeks,” the distraught factory
worker confided to his psychiatrist, "I was ob-
sessed with the idea of putting my organ in
the pickle slicer. The thought kept me awake
nights. When I finally fell asleep, I would
dream about it. I couldn't work effectively. All
I could do was stare at that pickle slicer and
daydream. Finally, I couldn't control my
passion. During lunch hour yesterday, I stayed
in the factory and fulfilled my desire.

"My God!” gasped the psychiatrist.
happened?”

“The foreman came back from lunch early,”
said the worker, "saw what was going on and
fired me on the spot.”

What happened to the pickle sli
“ОГ course," the worker responded, ^
fired, too."

What

np"
she was

The little boy pointed to two dogs in the park
and asked his father what they were doing.
“They're making puppies, son,” the father
said. That night, the boy wandered into his
parents room while they were making love.
Asked what they were doing, the father re-
plied, "Making you a baby brother."

"Gee, Pop,” the boy pleaded, "turn her over
—T'd rather have a puppy.”

Our Unabashed Dictionary defines pillage as
about 16 for most girls.

Why do you lower your eyes when I say 1
love you?” the young man asked the attrac
tive girl in the nudist camp.

“To see if it's true,” she replied.

Before retiring on his wedding night, the
young minister turned to his bride and mur-
mured, “Pardon me, darling, I'm going to pray
for guidance.”

“Sweetheart,” his wife answered, “I'll take
care of the guidance, You pray for endurance.”

Our Unabashed Dictionary defines minimum
as a tiny British mother.

Reminiscing with her girlfriend about their
childhood, the sweet young thing asked, “Did
you ever play with jacks?”

à " her friend replied. "And with
Tommy's, Bill's and Freddy's.”

Then there was the coed who passed biology
by giving her body to science.

| don't really mind him being unfaithful,"
sighed the wife to the marriage counselor,
"but I just can't sleep three in a bed."

Our Unabashed Dictionary defines madam as
one who offers vice to the lovelorn.

Plymouth Colony had fallen on evil days,

and Covernor Bradford called a meeting to

berate the townspcople for their wayward prac-
dedi

tices. *"Terril

wives and daughters; men are hay
tions with other men. And there

horses and cows, pigs, sheep, chickens"
From the back of the room came a voice of
disbelieving horror: “Chickens?”

Heard a good one lately? Send it on a post-
card to Party Jokes Editor, PLAYBOY, Playboy
Building, 919 N. Michigan Ave, Chicago,
Ill. 60611. $50 will be paid to the contributor
whose card is selected. Jokes cannot be returned.

E.

“If you really don’t want her any longer, Mr. Brounly,
'd like to have her.”

article By ROBERT CRICHTON тне ому iic 1 ever wanted
to accomplish in life was to write а good novel. I wanted this so much that 1 came
to think of myself as a novelist, even though I had never written one. Despite this
little failing, I was quite convinced that were I to dic right then, my obituary would
read “Crichton, Novelist, Writes Last Chapter,” because everyone would know how
much it meant to me. And it would only be fair; I had the novels in my head. All
that was lacking was the technical formality of transferring them to paper.

This state of affairs went on until I was past 30. When no novel had appeared,
in order to account for the void and save my self-respect, I was driven to conclude
that 1 was а classic example of the pitfalls of Grub Street. I was a freelance maga
vine writer then, living from one assignment to the next, always one advance
behind, and I saw myself as a victim of the literary sharecropper system, as hope
lesly snared in my web of circumstances as those wretched cotton farmers James
Agee described in Let Us Now Praise Famous Men.
he matter was out of my hands. 1 was a victim and 1 was quite happy that
way until the spring of 1962, when a magazine publisher named Henry Steeger
came back from a lunch he had had with some Italian winegrowers and told me
the story of a small Italian hill town where the people had hidden 1,000,000 bottles
of wine from the Germans, and of how they had managed to keep their secret

"Someone should write that,” Mr. Steeger said. “It has the quality of legend
and yet it happened in our own time.

I could recognize that much. I was astonished, in fact, that this fat plum of a
story, swelling with possibilities, was still unplucked. By this time, however, I had
so perfected my defenses to repel anything that even himed at the potential of
becoming a novel that 1 was able to tell myself that it actually wasn't a very good
story at all. I increasingly found it more desirable to apologize for a book I hadn't
written (but which just might be great) than to apologize for one I had written.

Camus wrote that ultimately all men are prey to their truths, even in the act
of denying them, and Santa Vittoria became one of mine. Even while denying it,
I knew the story of this town was the basis for a big grab bag of a novel, a
Bildungsroman, in which, because of the sprawling framework of the story, almost
anything goes and anything works. Against my will, the story preyed upon me,
fermenting in my doughy spirit, fizzing there like a cake of yeast іп а winevat.

I woke one morning in March—there was snow and thunder, very rare and
very strange—with the line “In dreams begin responsibilities” running through my
mind. It is a line from Yeats (borrowed from some obscure Indian poet, I have
since found out) that I used to write in all my notebooks when I was in college
It is a line that has been the subject of profound scrutiny, and some subtle inter-
pretations have resulted from it. But on this morning, the line was very dear to
me: If you dream about something all the time, you have a responsibility to do
something about it. 1 apologize to William Butler Yeats. 1 began going around
New York that morning trying to raise enough money to take me to Italy. I felt
the least I could do was look at this place that had become my responsibility. When
I accumulated $800 beyond the round-trip air fare, I set out for Santa Vittoria.

The trip to Italy, which in any terms other than those of a writer would have
to be classed as a continuous disaster, I include here because it illustrates something
important about the craft; namely, anything that happens to a writer can, with
good fortune, be turned into something of value. In a matter of weeks, I was run
down by a car in Rome, robbed in a country inn and managed to make a profound
fool of myself in Santa Vittoria; and each event turned out to be more fortunate
than the one before it

The car incident is a good example. 1 was in a pedestrian crosswalk that
guaranteed me the right of way, when the car bore down on me. I, an American
and a believer in the sanctity of signs, couldn't believe he was going to keep on
coming. He couldn't believe 1 wasn't going to jump out of the way. He must have
been a good driver, because he drove only halfway over my body before managing
to stop. 1 had my first intimation of the way things were going to go when a man
helped me out from under the car.

"Yowre very lucky.” he said. "You didn't dent the fender.”

My last intimation, or my first revelation of truth, came in the police station
I was talking about justice and my rights and I could see that they felt I was not
well balanced. I didn’t get the idea, they assured me. The car was bigger and faster

eL of
anta С ЛОГА

а free-lance author tells how he
became a best-selling novelist through a series of
disasters and a monumental writing block

PLAYBOY

128

and stronger than I and therefore the car
had the right of way. Couldn’t I see that
much?

So, on only my second day in Italy. I
was privileged to begin to understand
the basic fact of Italian life, which is
that power, the balance of it, the having
and not having it, is the key to all life.
Survival depends on a respect for it.
The possession or the lack of it deter-
mines the course of a man's existence.
Success depends on how well you learn
to manipulate it. I was never able to get
nyone in Italy to be sympathetic about
being run down in a safety zone, They
would listen to the story and they would
nod and then they would always say:
“Yes, but why didn’t you jump out of
the way?”

‘These people, then, who pass them
selves off to the world and to themselves
as romantics, are the most realistic of
people. Two broken fingers and the
knees gone from the pants of my one
good suit were a small price to pay for
such knowledge. I might have spent
months in Italy before learning what I
did.

‘The robbery was a very Italian kind
of crime. | was headed north to Santa
Vittoria, taking all the back roads avail-
able so I would have a feel of the coun-
try before getting there, and 1 took a
room with a terrace on the sccond floor
of a country inn. Few Italians would
have taken that room. It faced away
{тот the inn and not in toward the
courtyard. Italians like to be with
people. Americans, who have allowed the
north-European psyche to inflict itself
upon their national soul, prefer privacy.
Even if he took the room, no Italian
would have then opened the window
onto the terrace. They don't trust the
night air and what might come in with
it. Americans like to clean the portals of
the mind with fresh night air and they
like to be trusting and believe in the
possibilities for humankind to bc good.

It must have looked like a ritual scene
from some old Italian novella. The thief
came up the stone wall at night and
onto the terrace and into the room and
through my pockets. I should still be
angry with him, but the thief did one
marvelous thing; he left me half of my
money. I picture him working swiftly
and dangerously in the dark to leave me
my share and I warm to him. He was a
humanist and a man generous to stran-
gers, which is as good a definition of a
gentleman as any. So another factor:
Life is a matter of power tempered by
an incorruptible humanity, which in it-
self is a kind of power. I was a more tol-
erant man after that and I was also one
long step down toward poverty and my
ultimate entry into the Italian lower
depths, where few outsiders are allowed
to go.

In Santa Vittoria, on my first day, I
was invited to a luncheon at the winery

held for some American wine buyers
and I proceeded first to praise and then
to rave about one particular wine, which
I assured those present made all the rest
taste like scented toilet water. Certainly
someone should have warned me that
the wine I was praising was a compari-
son wine, designed to make the local
‘wines taste good by comparison. It was
suggested by a company official after the
lunch that I didn't seem to be the
man to tell the story of the great thing
they had done in Santa oria. I left.
the town the same day I arrived in it.

And diis was fortunate, too. Fearful
of attempting a novel, | had determined
to write a nonfiction book; but now 1
had no alternati 1 also thought that I
would be able to live off the generosity.
of the people I was writing about, and
now 1 was condemned to live off the
land. I headed south, down the spine of.
the Apennines, in search of my own
Santa Vittoria. In all, I stayed in 20 hill
towns, each one separate in my mind
and yet all of them finally merging into
one conglomerate city, richer than the
sum of its parts. I learned some things
of value along the way.

In the beginning, I had the belief that
people would resent my intrusion and I
sat at solitary tables in the café in the
azza and, like Proust at a party, "j'cb-
serve, j'observe." It took some time to
learn that my discretion only bred suspi
cion. No one told me anything honest.
At last, I fell back on the tactic of sim-
ple honesty. On arriving in a new town,
I learned to approach the first person
who seemed to command respect and
tell him exactly what I was doing. is
town. 1 an American, a writer. 1
was planning а book on just such a town
as this one, but not ti one, and I
wanted to know everything good and
everything bad about life in a hill town
that anyone wanted to tell me. Very of-
ten, the man would take me to the тау.
or, who would tell me everything good
about the toi nd then the people
would come and tell me everything bad
about it.

Every day I grew poorer, and this
was good, since it put me into the hands
and then the homes of people I couldn't
have met otherwise. Toward the end of
my stay, I was reduced to knocking on
strangers’ doors and asking if they
would like to sell me a plate of peas and
rice or some soup and bread and wine
for 100 lire. They were always happy to
do it. Someone could always go without
а meal, but where could they get an ex-
tra 100 lire? I learned a great many
things with my soup.

The trouble with poverty as a tactic is
that you can’t fake it. I don’t think you
can plan to be poor and in this way get
to meet what are always referred to as
the people. I tried it afterward in Ap-
palachia and in the coal fields of Scot-
land and it was no good. Peasants smell

the poverty in you. When you pay the
100 lire, you have to feel the sweat on
your forehead as you count the money
out. And you have to do sneaky little
things to save little sums of money t
peasants recognize but which the bour
geois never even notice.

‘There is little to do in hill towns after
dark and because of it, the loneliness, 1
developed a system of information gath-
ering that has proved invaluable to me
since. From a simple need to communi-
cate, with no specific purpose in mind, I
began to write long, rambling letters
home, putting down everything that i
terested me or puzzled me during the
day. Months later, when I sat down to
start on the first draft of Santa. Vittoria,
t was the letters that turned out to be
filled h the kind of information I
needed. My notes were mostly useless.

The reason for this, I think, is that a
letter is an inclusive thing. Notes tend to
be selective and, therefore, exclusi
When a person is taking notes, he gen-
erally has some idea of what he is lool
ing for. The haphazard, the irrelevant,
the unexpected, since they don't fit the
pattern, are ignored or not even seen. I
suppose it is possible to do as well by
keeping a diary as writing a letter, but
most people tend to cheat in diaries. As
time passes, entries tend to become
more terse and cryptic; the diary be
comes filled with one-line notations the
writer is sure he will be able to re-create
later, h all the emotion and sounds
and smells. In a letter, since it is going
to someone else, the effort to re-create
has to be made right then, if the letter is
going to make any sense at all. 105 more
interesting to write to someone other
than oneself, anyway. The only people
who write good diaries are people who
know their logs will be part of history
and egoists who hope theirs will be.

When I returned from Italy, 1 at
tempted to organize my notes, because
this was what I felt writers did. The
notes were so meager and pointless,
that I began making notes
from the letters. These I put in a large
shoe box, because | couldn't think of
any sensible way to file them. It was
sloppy and disorganized and yet the sys-
tem had an unexpected virtue to it. In
order to find out something, I was com
pelled to flip through as many as 100
notes; and while doing this, | was re-
minded of all kinds of facets of Italian
life that I wouldn't have remembered if
I had been able to go to the source at
once. Some of this haphazard extra
neous information was bound to seep
into the scene I was working on and the
scene would be a little richer for it. In
time, I came to think of the shoe box as
my compost pile, a dung heap for poten
tial fertility, and the leaping from note

(continued on page 192)

however,

Switched-on spellers toy with a giant three-dimensional Scrobble game
called RSVP; it cames with 75 cubes, by Selchow & Righter, $650.

games, puzzles and scale-model playthings that spell christmas fun for giftee and giver

Engaging twosome curls up with
a custom-made Picasso-reproduction
jigsow puzzle, by Par Puzzles, $300;
others available to $1800. Around
the couple, clockwise from ten: Wheel
& Deal trading game, by Cadaco,
$7.50. Yacht Race gome, by Parker
Brathers, $9.50. Le Mans avto-racing
game, by Avalon Hill, $5.9B. Seduc-
tion, for the indoor sportsman, by
Creotek, about $6. Tarot wheel that’s
used to prognosticate the future,
$7.98, and a deck of fortuneteller’s
tarot cards, $5.50, both from Tarot
Praductions. Riskl, a game of strategy
and world conquest, by Parker Broth
ers, $B. Regatta, for the armchair
yachtsman, by ЗМ, $7.95. This page,
left to right and top to bottom:
Shakespeare can be ployed by both
literary nayices and scholars, by
Avalon Hill, $7.98. Mr. President, a
political game, by 3M, $7.95. Buy
or Sell, for stock-market-minded en-
trepreneurs, $8, ond Cooperation,
a psychological game for couples,
$3.50, both by KMS Industries.
Psyche-Paths puzzle game, from Crea-
ive Playthings, $4. Bookshelf games
include: Jumpin, Bazaor, High-Bid,
Phlounder, Acquire, Oh-Wab-Ree,
Quinto, Twixt and Breakthru, cll by
3M, $7.95 each. Bumps and Grinds,
an intoxicating game for adventure-
some bibbers, by Diplomat, $5.95. Dog-
fight is based on air batiles of World
War One, by Millan Bradley, $5.
Balaroo, а battery-operated gom-
bling game, by Milton Bradley, $7.50.

113$ 40 ANG

BUY OR SELL |

ca
Y

һ 5)
Е-Е

This page, left ta right ond top to
bottom: German-made Marklin HO-
gauge model railway system features

а variety of locomotives, cars and
ather detail-perfect miniatures, from
Reeves Internatianal, about'$2 (box-
co) to $52.50 (Swiss locamotive)
per piece. Christmas Machine, a Wil-
liom Wainwright sculpture activoted
by o builtin fon, from D/R, $350.
Scalextric slot-car set, from Model
Rectifier Corparation, $55. MRC-
Futaba MU2 radio-controlled air-
plane, $159.95, including transmitter;
and a Stinger radio-controlled fiber-
glass runabout housing an Enya en
gine and a Controloire receiver, $213
in kit form, that can be aperated with
the Controloire transmitter shown,
$59.95, all from Downtown Fair Hob-
by Shop. Swinging Wonder, a desk-
top trinket that illustrates Newton's
low of oction and reaction, by Sci-
entific Demonstrators, $8. Wilesco
steam engine con act as power plant
for other miniatures, from Games
Imported, $175. Horse-racing game
mounted on a hardwood case, by
F. A. O. Schwarz, $75. Corner, a
stock-market game, comes with an
electronic computer that adjusts prices
of stocks, by The Sarrett Game
Group, $155. Fullsized pinboll ma
chine, by Chicago Coin Company,
$525. The tuned
are turned on by Hip Flip, a game far
swingers, by Parker Brothers, $8, and
Ride-A-Roo, on inflatable boll for oir-
borne high jinks, from Heerer, $9.95.

couples ot right

PHOTOGRAPHY BY OWIGHT HOOKER

Г ici

—
WON ee

S xe RON.

BS QI

PLAYBOY

134

PSYCHOCHEMISTRY (continued from page 112)

porous capsule that would permit the
proper dose to leak into the blood
stream each day. Without causing any
undue problems, the capsule might be
large enough to last for 20 years, thus
B a sort of “20-year pill.” (If
the woman decided at any time during
this period to have a baby, she would
imply take another kind of chemical to
cancel out the effects of her 20-year
pill.) Or, if the right technique can be
perfecied, it is entirely possible that
the woman of the future can have her-
self vaccinated against pregnancy; this
would be done with a serum produc-
ng antibodies in her blood stream
that would make her immune to the
effect of sperm, just as present vaccina-
tions make her immune to smallpox
germs. The woman who has sexual in-
tercourse only rarely, and does not want
to bother with any of the other tech-
niques, may be able to indulge without
fear of pregnancy because of the availa-
bility of the “morning-after pill,” already
tested but not yet perfected; the morn-
ig-after pill will prevent the fertilized
egg. if there should be one, from be-
coming implanted in the wall of the
womb. Even pills for men, safely mak-
пв them temporarily sterile by prevent
ig the development of living sperm, are
theoretically possible. In fact, one such
pill has already been found effective; it
has never been keted. because the
ser suffers a violent reaction if he takes
as much as a single alcoholic drink.
The pill already controls pregnancy,
and more convenient versions of it are
just around the corner, What about that
other fear of so many women (and of
men as well)—the problem called obesi-
ty? Here one gets into difficult psycho-
logical ground. Many psychiatrists think
that people get fat strictly as a form of
self-protection: the overweight man is
shielding himself (or, more often, the
overweight woman is shielding herself)
from life's obligations to be socially at-
tractive and adept and to lead a normal-
ly active sex life. Making a fat person
skinny, according to this school of
thought, will only add to his (more of
a, her) anxicties. Yet it is well known
that bodily weight depends upon how
much food is eaten, and the amount of
food that is eaten seems to depend upon
two small areas in the brain. When one
of these areas is removed from the b
of a rat, the animal loses almost all in-
terest in food; it has no appetite at all to
speak of. When the other area is rc-
moved, the animal seems to be constant-
ly hungry and soon becomes grossly fat.
Taken together, the two areas serve as a
sort of “appestat” that says when to eat
and when to stop. Why not assure that
the fat person's appestat is simply off
kilter—in a way that could be corrected
by some specific drug? (There already

are drugs that can reduce appetite after
a fashion, but all of them are also stimu-
lants and therefore not specific.)
What about drugs to make people
happy—not just to get them out of
depressions or to tranquilize them but to
make them actively and buoyandy hap-
py? We already have drugs that put
people in a happy mood; the most ac-
cepted one is alcohol,
legally forbidden ones is mari
alcohol and marijuana are what one
researcher calls “sloppy even
though alcohol is such

ys remain on the human scene. There
undoubtedly are better drugs, just wait-
ing to be discovered, that would make
a person wake up smiling and sing
through his day, without ever affecting
his mental judgment or getting him in
trouble with the law. There probably
also are drugs yet to be found that will
enhance a person's ability to perceive
the beauty in his world to recapture
the delight of the child who thinks of a
any as not only a piece of mon-
1 object of art. And if human.
perception can be enhanced, why not
human intelligence?

Intelligence is a strange thing; the un-
happy fact is that no one even has an
acceptable theory as to why one person
he smarter than another. Cer-
intelligence (or lack of it) de-
n some way on the brain, whose

pends
uillions of possible nerve circuits act as

a feedback system that absorbs informa-
ion from the eyes and ears, processes it,
stores it and at the appropriate time
sends it back to the vocal cords, to be
uttered as words of wisdom, or to the
finger tips, to become the written evi-
dence of learning. But why one brain
hould be better at this job than another
is a mystery. Mere size docs not tell the
story; most human brains run abou
three pounds and deviations from this
weight are not necessarily related to
telligence; there doubtless have been
Eskimo fishermen with bigger brains
han Einstein's. Mere numbers are not
the answer; while the genius hay upward
of ten billion nerve cells in his brain, so
in many cases does the low-grade moron
(Indeed, a young low-grade moron may
have more brain cells than an older gen-
us, for these cells die off at the rate of
100,000 a day after a person reaches
35.) The efficiency of the nerve cells
and their fibers as conductors of the nerv-
ous impulse does not seem to be «ти.
cial; the long fibers that stretch from our
ial cords and enable us to wiggle our
toes, and that presumably have scant
effect on how’ smart we are at atomic
physics, are better and faster conductors
than the fibers inside the brain.
There has been much speculation that

learning depends upon a permanent al-
tration of a living chemical called RNA
inside the nerve cell; this theory stems
from the work of a Swedish scientist
named Holger Hydén, who trained rats
to balance on a wire, then analyzed in-
dividual nerve cells and found changes
in the molecular structure of their RNA.
This chemical is closely related to
DNA, which carries the code of human
heredity (see Second Genesis, PLAYBOY,
June 1968); and, like DNA, it is so
complicated in structure as to be capa
ble of taking trillions of possible forms,
cach a little unlike any other, If the
molecules for DNA cin contain the en
tire code that directs the development
of some cells into the human bone stru
ture and others into the human heart,
and can make some people tall and
brown eyed and others short and blue
eyed, then it scems reasonable to sup-
pose that the RNA molecules inside the
nerve cells might possibly carry the
code for all the most complicated details
of human learning.

More recently, Dr. Hydén has report
ed a further complication involving the
100 billion so-called glial cells that sup-
port and help nourish the nerve cells of
the brain. In a new experiment, he
tained right-handed rats to use their
left paws to pull food from a tube, and
пей rats to use their right paws.

he analyzed their brains, he
found not only altered RNA molecules
but also new forms of protein. It is |

theory that the RNA instructed the gli
cells to manufacture these new pro-
teins, which then became p or all of

the memory trace, Another
working along similar lines with pi
geons, Boston's Di. Samuel Bogoch, has
also reported finding new brain proteins
plus, just to add another complication,
new chemicals that are a combination
of protein and sugar

If learning depends on chemical
changes of the RNA inside nerve cells,
or on the manufacture of new chemi
as directed by RNA, then some exciting
open up. Researchers have
bcen quick to explore them, and the re
sult has been a series of the most
апі controversial—ex periments
in all scientifc history. The first oc-
curred at the University of Michigan,
where а psychologist named James V.
McConnell taught some primitive little
animals called flatworms to escape a
shock signaled by a flashing light, then
chopped them up and fed thi
other flatworms. The
found, were unusually quick to solve the
problem of escaping the shock—for all
the world as if they had absorbed
knowledge along with their food.

As if this were not enough of a scien-
tific sensation, psychologist Allan Jacob.
son of UCLA soon came up with a topper
Using rats and. hamsters, he taught half

(continued on page 182)

fiction By MICHAEL LAURENCE Hal Deme-
ter, а mild, pleasant young man, with the kind of
pleasantseeming American face you pass in the
street without noticing, lived in a good apartment
оп East 68th Street without child or wife, cat or
dog—no companionship, in fact, except for a recur-
ring bad dream. To the married, family-surrounded

man, dreams come as a kind of trap door through

which he can vanish into a land of his own endless

luck or endless misery; but to the solitary man,

they are a kind of society. Hal's dream was per-
—

fectly realistic without being real.

While reading late at night, he often fell
asleep on the green-silk-covered sofa in his living
room, slipping not into any fantasy country but
simply back again into (continued on page 224)

purus ^
; C ud —

Jouve learned the secret of the money game; you've beaten the market; collect
all the cash on the board and advance 30 squares to claim your destiny

“Some sort of triangle, I suppose.”

playboy presents an undress parade of contemporary ad classics

BACK IN SEPTEMBER of 1962, faithful readers will recall, this
magazine proffered Playboy Salutes Madison Avenue, a
baker's-half-dozen advertising classics of the day re-
vamped to suit our splendid notion that the only thing more
attractive 1һап a pretty girl is a pretty girl outfitted in na-
ture's own. We felt we had uncovered a fresh nude
approach to the conventional marketing bag that the
minions of Mad Ave had overlooked. In the ensuing years,
of course, the ad biz has come up with different campaigns
in keeping with the tempo of the times, but again we feel
that agency men have missed the boat, baggagewise. We
therefore have come up with these new take-it-ofís on well-
known advertisements. Our versions may not move prod-
ucts, but we think they’re well calculated to move the reader.

137

Today, the one who wears the pants
chooses the Scotch

139

“You meet the most entertaining people in the Pacific.

* Aren't you
wearing Tweed?” E

Do I really have to do
this sort of thing to earn
my Canadian Club?

A reward for men. A delight for women.

Ron Rico.Wasnt he the
dance director who
spotted Ruby Keeler in
the Ziegfeld line-up?

Ae

из

"Coppertone
gives you а

Don't
bea
paleface!

т

= А А
Сизә Dry males any drink beter. Cmon and mixwithus! ВО

C'mon and mix with us!

“My brand is ‘Fruit of the “Loom.

.4421xUg "Ay ‘dursdol wii
351242X2 49]]aq qvi? US! “тод,

the bell witch

IF YOU STAY AROUND the west part of Robertson County very
long, you're bound to hear tell a lot of stories about the Bell
witch, some of ‘em true and some of ‘em plain damn lies.
Now, it all started before the War between the States, when
John Bell owned a fairsized plantation back in old North
Carolina—a dozen or more field-hand slaves to work it, mules,
cows and hogs aplenty. Mr. Bell had a wife, a young daughter
name of Betsy. and how many other young uns I don't rightly
remember. Bersy was the one, though. She was just about 16
then and pretty as a spotted puppy.

Bell got along just fine until, whar with all the work, he
got him an overseer. Strong young fellow, good-looking. too,
and sweet as sugar cane with the womenfolk. But he had a
temper. They зау Mr. Bell got into many a row with him
and threatened to get rid of him more than once. Whenever
that happened, the overseer would go out and black-snake
some of the field hands. Гог they were the only critters he
could abuse and get away with it, He was a bully like the
kind of overseer you hear about in Yankee stories.

Bell had a temper himself, and it was only because Mrs.
Bell took up for the overseer that he didn't get shed of the
man long ago. Bur a fight was bound 10 happen. Оле day it
did. Mr. Bell was coming around from behind a cotton house
unbeknownst to the overseer, who looked up and siw Betsy
come riding along. When the overseer said something to her
and when Mr. Bell heard what it was, he pulled out his
pistol. And the nest thing, Bell was walking away, blowing
smoke from the pistol barrel and muttering about white

from an American legend

wash. But the overseer never went aw;
OF course. Bell had ro go to court, but he pled selfalefense
nd the jury let him off. Then he went home and hired him

another overseer and he thought everything was settled. Fact
that things were plumb unsettled.

For two years running, crops on the Bell place were
mighty bad: bumblebee cotton and scraggly tobacco and
nubbin com. Mules died of colic; cows and hogs got sick of
something the horse doctor couldn't cure. So Bell finally sold
ull liis slaves—escept for оше old. we aud his land aud
hit ош for Tennessee, where he bought him a house and a
patch of land. near old Andy Jackson, who'd left off being
President and was living in a big place called The Hermitage

Well, sir, strange things began to happen in the Bell
house. The young'uns kept being tumbled out of bed in the
night by something and they'd wake up on the floor in the
morning. Old Auntie, the cook, said it was the hant of thar
overseer sure enough pestering the children. And though she
felt might jubus about hants, she had spunk and she swore to
spend the night under the bed to see if she was right.

In the middle of the night, there was а squall like а pan-
ther; and when Mr, and Mrs, Bell ran in, they found Auntie
still on the floor, her eyes like saucers in a dishpan. "Ро"
Gawd, hit's him!” she screeched. “He peenched me all over.
He stuck pins in me, and Lawd how he whup me!” The
Bells got mighty scared at that.

Old Andy Jackson didn't believe in hants, and so he
decided to ride over. As he came through the gate, he spoke
his mind out loud about tarnation fools that believed old.
nigra tales, He just got the words out of his mouth when
something whaled him over the head and skipped his hat 20
yards down the road. Old Andy didn't say more: he mo-
tioned his boy to hand him the hat and he turned around
and rode home again

Well. as time went on. all kinds of things happened, and
there are lots of other stories that will describe ‘em for vou
—how the witch ate food out of the kitchen, how he scared
the mules, how he scemed to cure Mrs. Bell of a sickness one
time, how he run olf all the young bi 2 courting
Betsy. He even got to exchanging words with John Bell,
hiding behind an andiron in the fireplace.

One night, he spoke up
with Betsy and he wanted to get m
off, respectful like but got a cli
John Bell.” said the

“If we're going to add to this f
we're adding.” said Bell. “Why, what
What do you reckon they'd be
passel of soapsuds young'uns foai

wa

f you had children?
Do you think I want a
round and poppin’ up

Ribald Classic

into pulls of wind every time I wanted the stovewood brought?

“But I love Betsy. And remember, John Bell, remember.”
o do L and thats why you can't marry her, What if you
up and quit her for some young hussy, which you could do
easy enough? Betsyd have a hard time keepin’ up with a
stack of wind and a voice, and I'd have a hard time trackin’
down and shootin’ a low-down, no-count dust devil. No, when
Betsy marries, it'll be a man with а solid body.

T gather, John Bell, that you're opposed to me courting
your daughter. But she's the one to say. І promise that you'll
be my father-in-law yet.”

“What shape have you got. if any?" John Bell asked.
hake hands, then.” said the witch. “But don’t squeeze.”
To his dying day. Mr. Bell swore that he felt something soft
and warm and delicate, just like a newborn-baby's hand in
his. Then it was gone.

Please don't speak to Betsy,” said John Bell. “You'll drive
her crazy.”

But what the witch said to woo Betsy
back, nobody will ever know. Anyway, the witch moved in
with her. All day, Betsy would wander up and down the yard
under the gloomy old cedars, walking in her sleep like. The
color left her face: there was a faraway look in her big dark
eyes like she was tying to sce something that wasn't there.
Every day. she got up Laer and went to bed earli

ad what Betsy said

t night, the Bells heard strange sounds from her room-
hs and whispers and the bed shaking. One bright moon-
light night, John Bell went and opened Betsy's door a crack.
What he saw was unearthly. The girl lay naked on her bed,
looking for all the world as if a man were giving her pleas-
ше. Her body heaved and there was a dreamy smile on her
face, But there wasn’t any man, only the moonlight.

Finally, there came a day when Betsy couldn't get out of
bed. she was too weak. In the evening, a screech owl hol-
Jered in a cedar right by the gallery. That night her fever
was high. and by midnight she was raving. “TI quick saddle
a horse.” said John Bell, "hut with the roads the way they
are. itll be two hours going and two hours coming."

Just then, there was ack at the door. The young
docior came in. "Who's sick here?" he said. “I kept hearing a
voice hollering at my window to come out here. I couldn't
see a soul, but thought I better come. anyway.”

He examined Betsy. "Its her mind and nerves" he said,
shaking his head. “Humor her and be pati
some medicine that will let her get some

Bur the girl pinced, and in a week she was dying. As Mrs.
Bell held her in her arms. Betsy said, "Momma . . . I sce
him at last. Momma, I love him."

Some say that the witch tortured the girl to death for
revenge on John Bell. Some say that she'd secretly loved the
overseer and she could never be happy until she became a
ghost. too. And the mean, sarcastic ones say it wasn't diat at
all—it was simply that when a witch makes love that powerful
way, he just doesn't know how or when to stop.

—Retold by Jonah Craig ED за

PLAYBOY

PLAYBOY INTERVIEW (continued from page 90)

distressing. During a typical Vegas sand-
storm, I often put a hanky over my
mouth and go out looking for Rommel’s
tanks. The heat can be appalling, too. It
hit 125 degrees here at the Sahara one
afternoon and the pool had to be rushed
prostration. In
other parts of the world, the hotels bear
dignified names—Hilton, Statler, Plaza,
St. Regis. Here, the owners have delu-
sions of grandeur. They call them
Sahara, Aladdin, "Thunderbird. Caesar's
Palace. The only hotel in town that
makes any sense is called the Mint.
"They hit it right on the head. The rc
dents of this town have one shining phi-

losophy: Roll the customers, but do it

legal. In my hotel, the
PLAYBOY: Your hotel?
would take umbrage at

We're sure Del
that

Webb

RICKLES: Del Webb doesn’t get laughs—
not intentionally, anyway. I put this ho-
tel on the map. Belore I came here, they
had thrilling lounge acts like Milo
Waslew: nd His Accordionettes, fea-
turing Wanda Kropnik, the first topless
eggsucker.

PLAYBOY: Since you started working in
Vegas, nude shows have taken over
most of the big showrooms. As a de-
voutly religious man, how do you feel
about making your living in this sexually
liberated atmosphere?

RICKLES: Well, it was a shock to discover
that many of the girls are not wearing
their dresses at а decent, respectable
mid-calf length, and that there is gam-
bling going on here openly and nobody
a thing about it. And the
e is revolting. | don't believe I've
ever heard the words “hell” and
ly and by people of such
obvious есі; ГИ definitely have to
write an exposé for the Watchtower on
these developments.

PLAYBOY: We hear а good deal about
your storied confrontations in Veg:
with Fat Jack. Leonard, who likes to call
himself the “fastest mouth in the West.”
Can you set the scene for one of these
showdowns?

RICKLES: Somchow, the word gets out
that both Jack and I are їп town and a
hush falls over the Strip. Saloonkeepers
board up their establishments. Kids and
€ hustled off the streets;
lers are hustled off the streets.
homas knecls in his combina-
tion chapel and night club and prays for
our souls, Then at high noon, Jack and I
start a measured walk down the Strip
toward each other. I can see by the way
his checks are puffed up tha
20 new one-liners jammed in his mouth.
I myself have 25, including five that
Shecky Greene sent over on the Wells
greed to start
the count of three; but.

Danny

spewing lines

150 at two, Jack cheats, spits his lines out

and I get knocked off as usual. I know
Jack claims Гуе been doing his act, but
at least I've been trying to improve it.
PLAYBOY: With or without Jack's help,
you've cornered the market on the eth-
nic insult. How did you uncover this
mother lode of malice?

RICKLES: What do you mean, ethnic i
sult? May your yam nose get caught
under a West German steam iron; may
your bird shrivel up into a pea pod:
may a Green Beret drive a personnel
carrier over your kumquats. But to an.
swer your question, pal, it happened
one night when the audience bolted to-
ward me carrying their knives and forks
with them. J had. idea it wasn't for.
the purpose ol asking lor autographs, so
1 hurled a few ethnic gibes to fend them
off. About half of them reeled and
the rest began to laugh at them, which

they took as deadly slander; in a mo-
ment, they were at each other's jugulars.
[hen I called the police and had them

all arrested. for starting a race riot.
PLAYBOY: [s it really necessary for you
to be so hostile?

RICKLES: Would you rather I came оп
е like Art Linkletter and sang 4-H
cookie-baking songs? If I did that, my
udience would consist of two Cuban
waiters in the back, slapping at mosqui-
toes with their napkins.

PLAYBOY: What have you been sa
groups i

st

lately to the various eth

your audienci
RICKLES: If I see an Italian in the audi
ence, I tell him, "Domenico, spit out
the nails and tell me if my shoes are
ready." To the Poles: “You're wonderful
people. When Jewish-owned cars break
down, who else has the strength to push
them And thanks

агаве!

Manuel, stop over at the state highway
department. They need someone to n
the white lines down the middle of
Route Sixtysix. If you don't
you can Kiss my tacos.” That's Castili
lor tuchus.

PLAYBOY: Do you spare those of your
own faith?

‚ why should 12 I usually say
something like, “If you took that roll
of bills out of your pants pocket, you'd
look like a eunuch.”

PLAYBOY: How about the WASPS?
RICKLES: I always know when WASPs
are in the audience. They're the ones
still wearing World War Two discharge
buttons. They order corned beef on
white bread with a glass of milk and
pickle. They call each other other"
and ather.” The Negroes call them
Mother, too, only they pronounce it
diflerent.

PLAYBOY: Ever get any Arabs in the
crowd?

RICKLES: Sometimes. It would be the cas-
icst thing for me to malign the Arabs,
to get cheap laughs at their expense, but
1 tell them, “Look, we're all part of hu-
manity, so ler's bury the animosities of
the past." Then I tell Achmed and Ab-
dullah to stand up in the spotlight and
take a bow.

PLAYBOY: Do they?

RICKLES: Yes. And as soon as they do, I
yell, “Open fire!"

PLAYBOY: Have vou ever reduced any-
ne in your audience to tears?

RICKLES: One night some old broad yelled
out, ОЯ
cut her up with a hundred insults. T just
c't stand people who fawn—though I

You're great. you're gre:

must adi it was a rotten way to treat.
my own mother.
PLAYBOY: Must there be celebrities in

your audience for you to be at your
best?
RICKLES: Oh, no. Human beings have a
habit of laughing, too.
PLAYBOY. A guy like vou seems to beg
for hecklers. What devastating lines do
you direct against a really rowdy speci-
men?
RICKLES: I say, “Please try to be more
polite. Your frequent interruptions have
a deleterious effect on my timing and
thus diminish my over-all effectiveness as
a humorist.” He gene
crying.
PLAYBOY. Arcn't you afraid of being
sulted physically when you toss off
barbs like that?
RICKLES: Not really. I tell any hostile ele-
ments in the audience, “IE you strike
me, a squadron of Mirage bombers will
level your home." I have also studied
Korean Fung Kyu, the deadliest form of
openhanded combat, With one blow of
my left hand, I can shatter every bone in
a child's body.
PLAYBOY: Do you work yourself into a
belore you come on stage?
RICKLES: My, my, the cocka
so clever he asks his questi
in rhyme. Why don't you swing with a
Burma-Shave sign and get splinters in
your thighs? My usual procedure before
facing a Sahara crowd is to allow myself
to be bitten by a vicious dog. Working
with rabies germs coursing through my
veins helps my comedic flow.
PLAYBOY: Are you aware that a growing
number of your devotees would like to
sec you committed to an institution?
RICKLES- Yes, I can understand how lonely
it gets for them in those cages; they're
just as entitled to a litle entertainment
as anyone else.
PLAYBOY: In view of your seething hos-
tility. it seems logical to ask if yo
ever submitted to psychiatric evalu:
RICKLES: A guy named Lennie once rec
ommended it to me. He also wanted me
(continued on page 215)

Шу runs off

ewer

The author, W. D. Jones (lefi), and his friend Clyde Barrow in
1932. "The way they showed Clyde in that movie ie all wrong."

Jones with Bonnie Parker. “During the five big gun battles I was
with them, she never fired с gun. But she wae a hell of a loader."

RIDING WITH BONNIE & CIYDE

“BOY, YOU CAN'T GO HOME
der on you. just like me

That's what Clyde told me, That was
what he said after I scen him kill Doyle
Johnson in s. on Christmas
Day. 05 how it all
started

I had got with Clyde and Bonnie the
night before in Dallas. Me and L. С.
that's Clyde's younger brother, was driv-

You got mur-

ing home from a dance in his daddy's
old car. Here come Bonnie and Clyde.
Ther honked their car horn and we
pulled over. I stayed in the car. L. C.
got out and went back to see what the
wanted. Then he hollered at те, “Hey
come on hack. Clyde wants то talk 10
you." Clyde was wanted then for mur
der and kidnaping. but | had knowed
him all my life. So I got out and went to
his car.

He told m

. "We're here to see Mom-
ma and Marie." (That's Clyde's baby
sister.) "You stay with us while L. C.
gets them." 1 was 16 years old and
Clyde was only seven years older, but
he always called me "Boy."

‘Them was Prohibition days and about
all there was to drink was homebrew
That's what me and L. C. had been

Film facsimiles Beatty ond Dunaway with Mi-
chael Pollord, who played Jones as C. W. Moss.

the real-life model
for c. w. moss tells
it like it was

memoir

By W. D. JONES

drinking that Ch
abou
shine in his car. so 1 stayed with him
like he said. while L. C. fetched his
folks. They lived just down the roid in
back of the filling station Old Man
Bartow run.

After the visiting was over, Clyde
told me him and Bonnie had been driv-
ing a long ways and was tired. He want-
ed me to go with them so 1 could keep
watch while they gor some rest. I went
I know now it was a fool thing to do.
but then it seemed sort of big to be out
with two famous outlaws. I reckoned
Clyde took me along because he had
knowed me before 1 he could

mas Eve and it was
all gone. Clyde had some moon-

count on me.
Tt must have been two o'clock Christ-
mas morning when we checked into a
tourist court at Temple. They slept on
the bed. I had a pallet on the floor
xt morning. I changed two tires on
that Ford Clyde had. Clyde really
banked on them Fords. They was the
fastest and the best, and he knew how
to drive them with one foot in the gus
tank all the time
and stopped around the corner from a
grocery store, (continued on page 160) ]s]

We went inte town

scrutable
japanese
fare

an enticing orientation
course in far-eastern feasting

food By THOMAS MARIO

st. ©» а d
, "EV. ORIS

t o et. th si) А
cm Aree =

THE HOST WHO'S INTERESTED in dining Japanese style will benefit from the fact that the
Oriental criterion of fine art—which holds that less is more—reigns supreme. His needs.
are minimal: He can eschew chairs and conventional legged tables; his soup bowls function
sans spoons; napery is almost nonexistent; and he is often able to do away with the kitchen
completely, There is a basic Japanese seafood stock called dashi that he can dash off in a snap-
py five minutes, and many of the dishes take no preparation at all—from wafer-thin slices of tuna
fish to fresh strawberiies the size of plums. In short, the host has a good thing going when he
decides to prepare a Japanese repast, But his guests benefit equally from this ancient art.

For a long time, sukiyaki was the cornerstone of. Japanese cooking at American tables; but in

PLAYBOY

recent years, that epicurean but elabo-
rate entree has been yielding first place
to shabu shabu, As a party production,
it would be hard to imagine anything
more relaxing for the host and more fun-
filled for the guests; in order to eat,
everybody has to get into the act. As
the mere sight of the food
w prime ribs of becf sliced as thin as
creamy-white mushrooms, bam-
boo shoots, crisp onion slices and, some-
times, cooked noodles, amon п infinite
variety of possible adjuncts to the beef,
spread out on platters—is enough to
draw everybody to the table. But unlike
‚ which the host alone prepares
guests, shabu shabu permits him
to sit back while each guest dips his or
her own tidbit into a pot of bubbling
broth. In about a minute, the scalding-
hot food is retrieved and swirled into a
cooling dip, so that it can be popped
into the mouth. If a shabu shabu fancier
likes his beef medium or well done, he
merely keeps it in the bubbly stock for a
moment or two longer thin the rare-
beef addict. After the beef has been
dispatched, the vegetables and thin noo-
Чез arc turned into the now richly
flavored stock. Also, by this time, the
unpremeditated elbow brushing, chop-
stick wielding, sake sipping and compar-
ative taste testing will have divested the
diners of their culinary inhibitions.

The would be delver into the nuances
of Nipponese cuisine should take note of
the way the shoeless Japanese diner sits
on his tatami mat; it is the key, the very
ginkgo nut of Japanese dining; to wil
Tt must be at once graceful and informal,
Only the Japanese tea ceremony is a
stylized production; a dinner party is
something else altogether. For instance,
consider tempura, fried an almost
featherdight batter, The shrimps, clusters
of fried watercress, slices of mushroom,
strips of green pepper or whatever hap-
pens to strike the chef's fancy at the last
moment are gleefully scattered. over the
tray in no fixed pattern. And yet even
one learning to use chopsticks for the
first time won't be able to mar the pic
turelike appeal of the tempura at the
ble.

Some Japanese restaurants on these
shores that attract large numbers of піѕеї
often have more patrons in the kitchen
than cooks. One customer will want some
slices of sweet yam in his tempura; an-
other will ask for a chunk of abalon:
another, for more onions. But the whole
bumptious feeling, the free-and-easy
humor between the chef and his guests,
makes the guests feel just as they do at
their own private tempura party. It's the
nd of unceremonious fun that makes
tempura in this country such a delicious-
ly informal idea for late-night kitchen
suppers.

Few hosts these days need an Admi-

154 ral Peary in а chef's hat to introduce the

of Japanese prepared foods such
as bottled sauces and seasonings now
coming to the U. S. The beauty of most
of them is that even for non-
menus, their uses are as Пе;
young bamboo. Japanese soy sauce,
more mellow than the Chinese, may be
lightly brushed on any broiled food,
from fresh salmon to shashlik, and it
will impart delicate, nutty, rich flavor
overtones, There's another sauce of the
soy family called menmi, bottled by
Kikkoman; you'll probably have to go to
an Oriental food shop for this one. In
Japan, it’s widely used in a broth with
noodles—rcquiring merely the addition
of water. Add a spoonful or two of
menmi to any soup ог stew, be it Gallic
or Greck, and the original flavors will
suddenly blossom with a mew, vivid
richness. You needn't wait for a full
kimono Japanese dinner to try wasabi
powder, а pungent scasoning made from.
the strong wasabi radish, It rivals Chi-
nese or dried English mustard in sharp-
ness and goes as well with a polau-few
or even a New England boiled dinner as
it does with any Oriental dish.

Even morc useful for freewhecling
partics is the Japanese style of cooking—
as anybody who s а fireplace hibachi
can téstily. Japanese steakhouses in this
country have unveiled the miraculously
simple way of cooking shell steak,
shrimps and vegetables right on the
metal slab that is part of the dining ta-
ble. The technique, as сизу as sprinkling
sesame seeds, сап be applied rewardingly
to chicken, swordfish, lamb, sweetbreads,
ven amy other tender flesh that
can be cut into fairsized cubes. The old
problem of keeping food hot simply dis-

ppeus when the sizzling steak is de-
ed directly from the grill to your
ng plate.

To really appreciate sake, the delight-
ful Japanese rice wine, you have to
drink it slightly mulled. At room tem-
perature, it’s a different potable, rem
nisent of dry vermouth or fino sherry,
although the mirin sometimes used for
cooking is less dry than the table s
А second reason for drinking it warm is
the Japanese belicf, casily verified, that
the effect of w. € on the body is
ather than slightly delayed, as in
drinking unheated wine. Sake should be
poured from the bottle into the small
porcelain tokkuri pitchers, one for each
guest, and immersed in hot water until
it reaches about 120° or until the neck
of the pitcher [eels warm—not burning
hot. It’s then poured into the small saka-
zuki cups that usually refilled about
a dozen times during a meal. Like cer-
tain rieslings and all rosés, sake must be
drunk young to be at its best. It should
be consumed not later than a year and a
halt after its bottling, which means that
sake shouldn't be honored with dust and
cobwebs and should be bought at a
thriving liquor store, preferably onc that

caters to Oriental sake sippers. The best
sake comes from Nada, a region of Ja

pan that bears the same relation to other

sake-producing sections that cognac does
to other brandies. At the beginning of a
Japanese-inspired party, the land of the
rising sun is best toasted with the sak tini
а very dry martini, with sake used
place of dry vermouth and garnished
with a paper-thin slice of unpeeled
cucumber.

Americans who were stationed in
Japan after World War Two may re
member having knelt alongside the Jap-
ancse as they prayed to their food goddess
and to the souls of the departed salmon.
In this country, no such ceremony is re-
quired to show an appreciation of the
joys of Japanese cooking. A well-fed look
is enough of a votiye offering. Recipes
fit for the gods follow, each of which
serves four.

BROCCOLI SALAD, GOLDEN DRESSING

1 bunch broccoli
3 egg. yolks

34 cup told water
$ tablespoons. vin
2 table.posns suga
34 teaspoon. salt
l tablespoon cornstarch

2 teaspoons prepared horseradish

3 large red radishes

As a rule, Japanese salads are served
n Lilliputian bowls; Americans prefer

the more generous proportions given
here.

Cut flowerets off stalks of broccoli, let-
ting about l-in. stem remain on cach. If
flowerets are large, cut in half length-
wise. (Balance of stems may be cooked

as a vegetable at another meal.) Bring a
pot of water to a rapid boil. Drop a
handful of flowerets into water and cook
for Y4 minute, no longer. Lift broccoli
from water with slotted spoon or skin
mer. Cook balance of flowerets in same
manner, tien chill in refrigerator, Put
egg yolks, water, vinegar, sugar, salt
and cornstarch in blender and blend at
high speed until smooth—about у, mir
utc. Pour into top of double boiler over
simmering water. Cook, stirring con-
stantly with wire whip, until thick and
fluffy. This will take only a few minutes.
Stir in horseradish, Chill in refrigerator.
Place broccoli on a platter or wide shal-
low serving dish. Spoon dressing on top.
Grate radishes through coarse holes of
square met grater and sprinkle over
dressing,

CABBAGE SALAD, SOY DRESSING

ese cabbage

2 large scallions, white and green
parts, thinly sliced

1 green pepper

2 medium-size white radishes

М cup rice vinegar or cider vinegar

2 teaspoons soy sauce
JA teaspoon monosodium glutamate
(continued on page 187)

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article By ROBERT SHERRILL electronic referendums could render our inefficient legisla-
tures obsolete, but such “total democracy” might well create more problems than it would solve

X dE ae XX XX DE € >С УС
>< > XX X X X Xx x X

THE IDEA THAT SOME ELECTRONIC MEANS might be found to take over Congress’ job has been around for some time. Ten
years ago, writing in a scholarly political-science journal, Congressman Emanuel Celler of Brooklyn, who already had
been on the public's payroll for 35 years and made no secret of wanting to stay there for many years to come, worried
that “sctence-fiction writers, undoubtedly, will soon envision an autor legislator that will supplant the Congress,
just as the automatic translator seems to be about to supplant human linguists.” He tried to brush aside the threat as
ieve, but it clearly made him uneasy to see computers translating English into Russian, and he warned
that the next step might be an automatic evaluator that could read, even translate, the leuers that come into Wash
ington from the voters. “When that time comes, will Senators and Representatives no longer be required to perform
.. the arduous task of ascribing the proper weight and significance to the thousands of messages which come to them
annually from the people?”

Ccller's decadeold specter of a computerized “Congressman” whose mechanical mind is activated by mailbags is
much too clumsy, however. That is no way to govern. For one thing, it would disenfranchise thousands of Americans
who don't write letters. But worst of all, because it fails to utilize all the electronic techniques now available, it merely
substitutes a robot Congressman for a humanly limited one. Why not go all the way, with a conglomerate instant elec
torate, a system by which each voter is equipped with a push-button tic-up with Washington? The middleman, Con-
gress, could be bypassed in progressive stages; first the electorate could send its broad, general directives to Washington
(“We, the people, instruct you to lower the price of groceries"), leaving the details for Congress to work out, and then
the electorate could take over the decisions on specific legislation and eventually—when the nation has decided that
Congress is no more workable or necessary than Prohibition—the legislative appendage to the Federal Government,
having withered away, could be cut off by an amendment repealing Article I of the Constitution, (For that matter,
some modifications to this portion of the Constitution, which defines Congressional powers, would already have had
to be made.)

As for the mechanics of it, that’s onc of the lesser problems. Time recently wrote: "Possibly in a generation, polls
may lead to instant national referendums. Every voter would have a small electronic box with ‘yes’ and ‘no’ but-
tons. The President could ask for public opinion on any issue—Should the nation invest 50 billion dollars to send men
to Mars?—and the presumably informed electorate would flash back an immediate response. Technically, this is feasi-
ble right now. Automated democracy might dilute the power of a lot of Congresmen—no loss to democracy in some
cases." On that unlikely day when the establishment decides to give its legislative powers back to the people by setting
up this electronic electorate, it can be done rather easily, considering the scope of the job. There would be a certain
number of snafus, to be sure; radio programs that poll their listeners on such social questions as “Should there be sex
before marriage?” have demonstrated on more than one occasion that it is casy to knock a telephone exchange out of
commission for hours. Inflate that load to 50,000,000 Americans all voting telephonically (continued on page 168)

PLAYBOY

HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL?

hour—one hundred shiny crisp ones—
when all the time you and Gloria. . . ."
His voice trailed off. He clenched his

Dr. Eyck said calmly.
ted."

gitated, hell. How do you expect
me to be, you leprous creep?"

“I don't know the answer to that yet,"
Dr. Eyck said. Ш we find out?"
here's noth to find out,”
id. "I've already found out everyth
Tuesday and ‘Thursday nights at El Gre-
co, when my so-called wife is attending
her so-called bridge game. The back
booth. At El Greco. Right?"
it dow Dr. Eyck said, his voice
soothing. "Calm yourself.”

“I don't want to calm myself.
"What do you wa
ill
pocket

automatic.

“How long,” said Dr.
you wanted to kill me?”
nce yesterday.” Finney said.
yesterday at seven o'clock. precisely.”

"How is that?”

“Yesterday, at seven o'clock precisely,
I found out.

“You found out,” Dr. Eyck repeated.

“Yes, you bearded bullshitter. І found
out wi my wife was doing on Tues-
day and Thursday nights. I should have
guessed before, of course. Gloria's pas-
sions don't really include bridge; she's
not the type. But you know all that, you
scabrous scum.

"Tell me exactly what happened," Dr.
Eyck said reasonably.

"Yesterday," Peter Finney said, "we
ran late on the set of Peter and George.
We were doing interiors, and the light-
n has hepatitis, and the replacement
didn't know the system. Everything was
slow; the schedule was shot to hell. So I
didn't get off the lot until nearly seven
that night"

“How did it make you feel to get off
er than. usual?"

“It made me mad," Peter said. "Ihe
damned lightman, and his damned hep-
аш. screwing everything up. ‘They
can't keep me late. I'm the star of the
series,”

"Go on," Dr. Eyck said.

“So,” Peter said, sitting down on the
couch and placing the gun beside him,
“when I got through, it was late, and I
d. George suggested that wc
ted to get home,
because Gloria worries about me on the
freeways—after my seventh car accident,
you know—but George insisted, so we
went for a quick one. At El Greco, on
Wilshire and Lewis. Across the street
from Dropsys. But you know where it

Eyck,

158 is you rare-roasted turd.”

(continued from page 115)

'Why do you say that" Dr. Eyck
asked

"Because, when we got into the bar
at El Greco, and we're having а quick
one, 1 hear the bartender talking to
some outol-towners. Talking up the
stars who come in there. Steve Mc
Queen and Paul Newman and Angie
Dickinson. The bartender is giving the
hicks the low-down. And they're lapping
it up and buying more drinks.”

More drinks,” Dr. Eyck repeated. It
was a trick he had, repeating the las
part of a sentence.

“Yes, you son of a skunk and a toad.
More drinks. And the bartender keeps
talking. And finally, he mentions that
even Gloria Starr comes into El Greco,
but only on Tuesday and Thursday
‘That's when I begin to listen

es, I'm all ears, sitting there curled
my vodka gibson with the bartend-
ing on about Gloria Starr and
how beautiful she is, how lovely and de-
able, and a nice person under it all,
And he never mentions her husband."
How did thar make you feel?
“Mad,” Peter Finney said, lying back
on the couch and placing the gun on hi
stomach. “Very mad. 1 mean, shit. Gloria
hasn't done anything—anything—tor а
year and а half, and the last thing
she did was Dawn Beach Party, which
was hardly box-office boffo, and not
your sterling artistic success, and there 1
m with the lead in the biggest tube sc-
ics going, bar none, the biggest come-
dy. the Nielsen killer, Peter and George,
and there's the two of us—me, Peter,
and George sitting next to me—we're
loved by for-twopointone percent
every week, and this creep never even
heard of us."
resented the bartender?”
him. I hated his guts,

“You

“Hated his guts.”

Damned right," Peter said. “There
he is, talking about Paul Newman and
Steve McQueen. What marvelous actors
they are. When everybody knows they
can't act, they just run around on motor-
cycles and make films with their shirts
off and bat their piercing blue eyes at
the cameras and that’s supposed to
make them great actors. "Thats sup-
posed to make them sexy. And they
have these sexy wiv
‘Sexy wives,” Dr. Eyck repeated.
“Yeah,” Peter ncy said. "Sexy

"What does that make you think of?”

"Well. look, I've got a sexy wile, too.
Gloria Starr. Nothing sexier. A thirty-
cight-D, a real thirty-cightD, not your
press agents thirty-eight; I mean, you

Peter Finney
heard the bartender expl
came

Thursday nights with a fat guy who had
goatee, you bloated bag of gas. I felt
just fine until then.”

He sat up on the couch and gripped
the revolver carefully in his right hand.

“I don't follow you." Dr. Eyck
frowning. He was ignoring the gun.

"You follow me fine, you two faced
crud.”

"Do you mean that you identified
with me when the bartender mentioned
a fat man with a goatee?”

“I didn't identify with anybody." Fin-
ney said. "I just thought to myself, who
do I know that is a trueblue, twenty
fourcarat, crap-plated bastard? And fat,

. Tm going to kill
the creepy son of a bitch. "

“How did it make you feel to express
your hostility toward me?

Not as good,” Finney said, "as Vl
feel when I put a bullet through your
fat gut."

Why." Dr. Eyck asked curiously, “do
you say I am fat?”
use you are. Look at you: that
tisficd Kraut paunch hanging

“Have you always considered me fat?”

No. I don't think I ever noticed it
now. I never paid any attention.
But now I see clearly—a big, fat, greasy
cuckolder.”

"Then your perception of me has
recently changed?” Dr. Eyck said.
You're goddamned right it has, you

sulphurous slob.”
Dr. Eyck said,

“my family
rather than what you
refer to as "Ki nd I am not fat. I
weigh only two hundred pounds and a
more than six feet tall. ] am stocky, but
not what most people would call fat.
"That is why you never thought of me as
fat before.”

"Wrong," Peter Finney said. "I never
thought of you as fat before because 1
never looked at you before, you hairy
lecherous leech.

Los Angeles" Dr.
city of more than two million per
sons. The last report 1 read stated thar
twenty percent of males were strikingly
obese. And you know that there are many
fat men in this city with beards. You can
name several stars yourself.”

‘That doesn't matter,” Peter said.

“Why?”

“Because you're the one.”

Dr. Eyck sighed patiently. “No, Peter;

All Scotches are good.

One Scotch is so good
its the worlds best seller.

(THE SMOOTH SCOTCH)

PLAYBOY

158

you are deluding yourself. You are saving
that because you would like to think it
is true, Isn't that s

“1 know it's true," Finney said.

Dr. Eyck shook his head. "Last night,"
he said, “you entered a bar in an irrita-
ble mood. Your pride was then wounded
by the remarks of the bartender. But
then, when this same bartender, who
by your own admission, uninformed.
when this sume man mentions your wife
and her alleged rendezvous with а mys-
terious fat man with a beard, you imme-
diately associate this man with your
analyst. Why?”

“Because you're the one,” Finney said
stubbornly, but he put the gun down

"When you first heard the bartender
talking of your wife, did anyone else
come to mind? Any other possibilities?”
ancy bit his lip. “No,” he admitted.
“You immediately assumed the ba
tender was referring to me?"

“Yes.”

ited. "I don't. know."
“Did you call the bartender over and
ask him for more details? Did you ques-
ion him more fully
lo."
“Why no
“1 didn't want to,” Е
“How is that?”
“I didn't think it
ney said slowly.
"But surely this was a matter of
concern fo you. You would want more
n form:
When he made the remark, it just
secmed immediately cvident to me.

ney

necessary,"

Very dear. I knew exactly who һе was
talking about. At least I thought I did."
“Aad now?"

“Well, now, I'm not so sure.”

“How do you mean:

“Well, when I first thought of you, I
also thought of our last session. where
we had been g my mother and
my difficulties in relating to people in a
warm way. Discussing Gloria and my
insecurity concerning her."

“Why did you recall this?"

"I don't know.”

"You mean you don't want to know,

Finney hung his head, looking miser-
able. He said nothing.

In fact" Dr. Eyck continued, “we
were discussing your insecurity in rela-
lion to sexual matters, isn’t that right?
So that when you heard a rumor con-
cerning your wife's infidelity, you felt
threatened. You were anxious and you
associated with your last period of
ety, which was discussing sexual matters

^" Finney said.
xiety, you became ag-
gressive, angry, hostile. You fantasized
murder.

Yes."

“But you never really intended to kill
me, did you, Peter? It was just a fantasy.”

“Yes, 1

"Do you understand why?”

Finney frowned, thinking hard. "I
guess,” he said, “I was projecting. When
1 sat in that bar and heard that creep
talking about Glo I was humiliated. J

“No, thanks. According to the A.M. A., that stuff can
significantly reduce one's social productivity."

wanted to kill myself. I was so humili-
ted. but 1 projected and decided 1
wanted to kill vou

Dr. Eyck nodded w
is a very good insight, Pet
that make you feel

Finney sighed and relaxed, His mus-
cles loos
couch, bre
he

cly. "I think that
How docs

Finney said. "Let's talk about
something else.”
"Your niother?
“AN right.” Finney said. "My mother.”

At the end of the hour, Peter Finney
shook hands pleasantly with Dı
apologized for bursting in on
went out past the bcautiful receptionist.
lone, Dr. Eyck sat at his desk, brood-
ing and stroking his goatee. Then he
made a telephone call, dialing the num-
ber without looking it up. When the
wered, he said, "Darling, we
nge plans.
"Why?" Gloria Starr said.
Peter was just here. He knows you're
meeting someone at El Greco.

Does he suspect
Me? Yes. But I took care of that.
Everything is fine now.”
What should we do?"
week, id. “Then
we'll rry L'Estrago: now it?"
1 can find it, lover," she said in а low
voice.
“A week from Tuesday, then. At the
usual time.”
“AIl right,”
When Dr.
looked over and saw Peter Finney
standing just inside the door. Peter Fin-
ney looked very grim, definitely angry,
almost certainly hon . He had his
hand in his jacket pocket, clutching the
gun.
"Peter," he said, “you
conclusions. I swear th;

"t jump to

wanted
that I'll be in for my
Friday at fowr-
thirty.”
Dr. Eyck was stunned, He struggled
for composure.
“Is that all right?” Finney asked inno

, “I would

“How do you mean?
“You'll need the money.”
“Money?”
"Yes. My hundred dollars an hour.
You'll need that, and a lot more.”
“1 don't understand
“I's quite simple,” Finney said. "Why
do you think I have been filling your
delicate cars with stories of Gloria for
the past six months? Why do you think
l have described in glowing, meticulous

detail her bedroom abilities? Why do
you think 1 have concentrated on my
impotence and her frustration?”
Those are the things that bother
you,” Dr. Eyck said
“What bothers me.

Whi a 2v "eu e
that the stupid broad isn't working and T
is draining me—draining me—at the rate
of two thousand a week for her clothes [3]

and cars and crap. I've hit it rich with
this series and she's been bleeding me to
the bone. l've never liked Gloria. She is
a stupid, selfish, petty, ignorant woman."
But, Peter
Ly only problem.” Finney said, tak-

ing the gun from his pocket, “was di-
vorcing her. I'm making a lot of money.
a hell of a lot of money. and she could
sue for a whopping alimony. And she'd
never remarry: Who in his right mind
would marry the unemployed star of
Dawn Beach Party? So you see. I had to
arrange an affair. Another man. That
where you came in?
eter, this is all

“My lawyers knew an excellent and
discreet detective agency. They have
everything, including infrared. pictures.
Quite the latest stuff. You'll pardon me
if I have to name you in the divorce
proceedings. but it’s worth a great. deal
of money to me.”

“Peter

“The trouble w mney continued,
waving the gun at Dr. Eyck, "that we
needed something extra. "That final
touch the proper witness. Someone who
would be atractive and sympathetic on
the stand. And someone related, in some
way, (o the situation. The obvious
swer was, of course, your delightful rc-
ceptionist, Miss Patrick, Miss Patrick and
І have been seeing cach other for some

eks now. She and I decided that a
girl in her position couldn't help but
overhear her employer's telephone con-

nc. Quite by =

w

versations [rom time to t

accident, you understand.

"Peter, this is all quite— ight up: a

“So she listened in,” Finney contin- f
ued. "For the pist two weeks. But you 1 -taste Ө!
were careful, you never called Gloria A i a
from the office You were being very adventure
ey. So Miss Patrick and I decided to as s2 .
arrange somct ^ little something to д
spur you into action."

Dr. Eyck sat back in his chair, shaking

his head slowly.
“So you see,” Finney said, "that's how

&
;
А
ji
2
7

it is,
He raised the gun and fired three
rounds at Dr. Eyck. The room was filled
with thick acrid smoke, and it was a
moment before Dr. Eyck realized. that
he hadn't been hit; the gun was filled
with blanks.
Peter Finney laughed.
There, now,” he said, as Dr. Eyck
coughed in the smoke. “How does that
make you feel? Excitingly new, surprisingly different aromatic pipe tobacco!
E © мө к.э. nirROLDI TOBACCO COMPANY. WINSTOR-BALEM, я. с.

PLAYBOY

ОММІЕ & CLYDE

Clyde handed me an old -4l-caliber
thumb buster and told me, “Take this,
у atch while 1 ger us some
spending money.” Later, I found out that
gun wouldn't shoot because there was two
broken bullets stuck inside the chamber.
I had to punch them out with a stick.

1 stood outside the store while Clyde
went in. Bonnie was waiting in the car
around the corner. After he got the
money, we walked away toward Bonnie.
Now, the blocks in them days was long-
er than they are now; and before we got
halfway back to the car, Clyde stopped
alongside a Model A roadster that had
the keys in it I don't know if he'd
seen something over his shoulder that
spooked him or what. But he told me,
“Get in that car, boy, and start it.” I
jumped to it. But it was а cold day and
the car wouldn't start. Clyde got
tient. He told me to slip over and hed
do it. 1 scooted over. About then an old
man and an old we n run over to the
roadster and began yelling, “That's my
boys car! Get out" Then another
woman run up and began making a big
fuss. АП the time, Clyde was trying 10
get it started. He told them to stand
back and they wouldn't get hurt. Then
the guy who owned it run up. Clyde
pointed his pistol and yelled. "Get back,
п. or VIL kill you!” That man was
son, I learned later. He came
car and reached through
the roadster's isinglass window curtains
and got Clyde by the throat and tried to
choke him.

Clyde hollered, "Stop. man, or I'll kill
you.” Johnson didn’t move, and Clyde
done what he had threatened. About
then he got the car started and we
whipped around the corner to where
Bonnie was waiting. We piled into her
car and lit a shuck out of town.

It all scemed pointless then as to why
Clyde wanted 1 Ive thought
bout it since, and 1 figure he must have
wanted the laws to think we was in
Johnson's сат. Of course, he didn't have
no way of knowing lie was gonna have
бо kill Joli

We headed out of town toward
Waco. A mile or two down the road,
Clyde pulled over and said. “Boy. shin-
ny up that pole and cut them phone
wires. We don't want no 1
done it and we went on.

As 1 look back, cutting them phone
wires was slick. That was about all you
had to do to cut off the law in them
days, There wasn't no two-way radio
hookups like now; and when a police
used them long-distance phone wires to
call the next town, it run up expenses.
‘Them was hard times and even towns

n

160 didn't have much to spend. There

(continued from page 151)

wasn't as many laws then, either. and
they just couldn't catch up with Clyde
n them V8 Foi he drove, Ted Hin-
ton and Bob Alcorn, the Dallas lawmen
l come to know a ycar later. told me
Clyde was about the best driver in the
world. They 1 them Fords па.
Clyde's driving was what kept him and
Bonnie free them two years. Hell, I
knowed that. 1 rode with him. Не had
me drive some when he was tired, but
Clyde stayed behind the wheel when
the heat was close. He believed in a
nonstop jump in territory—sometimes аз
much as 1000 miles—whenever it got
hot behind. He and Bonnie didn't in-
tend to ever be taken alive. They: wi
hell-bent on running ull the end. and
they knowed there was only one end for
them. metimes I thought Clyde liked
the running. He dreaded getting caught,
but he never give up robbing to work
for a living. I reckon Clyde just didn't
want to work like other folks. For one
thing, he never liked getting his hands
dirty.

Гус seen that Clyde and Bonnie
movie. The only thing that ain't plumb
silly the way they play it is the gun
tles. Them was real enough to almost
make me hurt. I've still got some lead in
me from them fights with the law.
When I tried to join the Army in World
War Two after I got out of prison. them
doctors turned me down because their X.
rays showed four buckshot and a bullet
in my chest and part of a lung blown

away.

The way they showed Clyde is all
wrong. Clyde never bragged. And he
wouldn't have lived 90 days running his

mouth like they had
with the dogs close w;

That C. W. Moss in the movie was
me. up to the end. when he let old
man turn in Clyde and Bonnie. It was
Henry Methvin that done that, not me.
I was in jail when that happened. The
papers right when they said Moss
was a composite of me and Methvin.

Moss was a dumb kid who run er-
rands and done what Clyde told hin
That was me. all right. But they messed
up showing Moss as driver of the car so
much and having him fix on it all the
time.

Clyde drove most alw

1. Quiet as a cat
s the way he was.

"cause he

didn't trust nobody else to drive like he
could. As for me working on the саг, Га

change a tire or a battery or somerl
like that, But we'd junk a car if any-
thing went wrong with it and get anoth-
er one. I don't know how many cars I
stole for Clyde. 1 do remember we nev-
er kept one more than а week or so, be-
cause id get too hot.

Now, I had been in trouble with the
law before I turned out with Clyde and
Bonnie. The first time was over a hot

bicycle a kid got caught with. He laid a
story on me. Jt was when I was Il years
old and selling newspapers on a Dallas
street corner—newspapers 1 couldn't
even read, I had never liked school and
I dropped out after the first grade, be-
fore I learned reading and writing.
Somebody else had to tell me the head-
lines in the papers. so I'd know w
hawk. 1 Knowed nothing about t
cycle, and I finally convinced the law of
that.

Another time, me and L. C. got
picked up in Louisiana after a car
wreck. The laws took us back to Dallas
to face carstealing charges. The car we
had torn up belonged 10 a bootlegger
who had hired us to deliver his liquor.
We got to pulling on a bottle
hooked ‘em with the liquor
bootlegger's car

I first saw Clyde Barrow under the
Oak Cliff viaduct in Dallas when I was
five years old. His family and my fa
ped out there because we
else. Daddy had broi
. à daughter and five sons to Dallas
from Henderson County, Texas, where
he was a shareciopper. Times was hard
and lots of folks was moving off farms in
them days. We finally got a house in
West Dallas and Daddy went to work at
n iron plant. The Barrows moved into
а house down the street. About a year
later, Daddy, my nd my oldest
brother took sick and died of the Пи.
Momma, when she got herself out of the
hospital and was well from the flu, sup-
ported us four boys as best she could. She
done washing and took in boarders. and
us kids did what we could to make a
buck. Momma tried another marriage
few ve fier Daddy died. but he
couldn't put up with us kids, Because of
in, she couldn't put up with him.
Momma was never one who could divide
her loyalty.

Clyde run with my older brother and
he used to come calling on a girl who
boarded at my house, He went with her
before Bonnie. He had a good job then
with а big manufacturing plant in West
Dallas. 1 was just a kid, bur Clyde al
ways treated me nice and I liked hi
his girl moved off to
where her folks was in Oklahoma, and 1
heard he'd got her in a family w
Clyde took up with Bonnie after t

He was pushing 1 for all it
worth toward Waco when Bonnie
said, "What you gonna do. honey? You
can't go back to Dallas now. That man's
shot and probably dead." He was, too.
we found out later.

“Hell, 1 know that. He can't go back,
cither." Clyde said. nodding at me. "You
know that. don't you. boy? You can't go
home. You got murder on you, just like

Then one da

w

He was right. They wa

s supposed to

ou ought to go to the doctor.”

y

k.

“Harry, I really thin

161

PLAYBOY

162

take me home to Dallas that Christmas
Day. He had promised that, but I
couldn't go home after Doyle Johnson
got killed. I had murder on me, just like
Clyde said. J was an outlaw, too, now,
so I stayed with them. The robbing and
the killing never stopped, and neither
did we.

I run with Clyde and Bonnie for more
than eight months. That was all I could
stand. I left them up in Mississippi and
hüchhiked back to Texas. The law
caught me in Houston. My running was
over. I was in the joint when word came
on May 23, 1934, that Clyde and Bon-
nie was killed near Arcadia, Louisiana.

Ive heard stories since that Clyde
was homosexual, or, as they say in the
pen, a "punk" but they ain't true.
Maybe it was Clyde's quict, polite man-
ner and his slight build that fooled folks.
He was only about five feet, six inches
tall and he weighed no more than 135

s Me and him was about the
same size, and we used to wear cach
other's clothes. Clyde had dark hair that
was wavy. He never had a beard. Even
when he didn’t shave, all he had on his
chin was fuzz.

Another way that story might have
got started was his wearing a wig some-
times when him and Bonnie had to
drive through a town where they might
be recognized. He wore the wig for dis-
guise and for mo other reason.

Clyde never walked right, either.
He'd chopped off his big toe and part of
the second toe on his left foot when he
was in prison. because he couldn't keep
up with the pace the farm boss set.

Or the story could have come from
sensation writers who believed anything
dropped on them and who blew it to

ns that suited their i

I knew a lot of convicts the years I

in prison—some of them years on
tham Farm, where Clyde had served
his time—and none of them had a story
on him being a punk. Matter of lact,
nobody—not the police who asked me
questions for hours and hours or the re-
porters who got in to see me—ever men-
tioned it. The subject just never come
up then.

105 just here recently. more than 30
years since Clyde was killed, that I've
heard the story. I was with him and
Bonnie. I know. It just ain't true.

Some of the tales about us robbing
banks all the time true, either. The
time I was with Clyde and Bonnic, we
never made а bank job. He liked gro-
cery stores, filling stations and places
there was a payroll. Why should we rob
bank? There was never much money
in the banks back in them days in the
Southwest.

But that's not the

y the papers put

t. They'd write we was heisting а bank
n Texas when we was actually off in
"Tennessee or somewhere else. I remem-
ber one time we stopped at a tourist
court in a little town. | went across the
road to an inn to get some sandwiches.
The waiter was all excited. “Bonnie
and Clyde was just here," he told me.
“They stopped for gas. The police come
out. but they got here too lite. Bonnie
and Clyde was already gone and they
couldn't catch them." It shook me some
when he si . but J stayed calm.

1 took the food k to the tourist

cabin and told Clyde what the man had.
augh out of that.
"You

said. He got a good
but after we had he said.
know, that man might have been gi
us a tip. He might have recognized. us.
We better move on.”

I always figured some of them report-
ers was holed up somewhere with some
booze during the time they claimed
they'd been off with the
suit of the outrageou gang.
They was just writing from their im
nation, it seemed to mc. | couldn't read.
what they w ing in the р:
then, but we'd pick up the newspaper in
wh tle town we was t
through and Bonnie would
aloud. That way, we kept up with
where the law thought we was and we'd
head in the opposite direction.

We never stayed long in one place. It
was too risky. We һай to keep moving.
When our clothes got dirty, we'd take
them to a cleaners if we thought it was
safe. But we didn't wait until they was
ready. We'd drive on somewhere else
and, ог two, swing back to
pick them up, if there was no heat be-
hind. Sometimes we never got back.
We'd buy new clothes.

Any shopping we done was done
alonc. Me and Clyde would wait in the
car down the street while Bonnic went
їп and got what she wanted. Or he
would go in a store while we waited out
in the car.

Clyde always believed in being pre-
pared. He was the quickest man 1 ever
secn. He never wanted to kill. Hed kid-
nap the police instead of killing them, if
he could. But he killed without hesita-
tion when he had to, because he wanted.
to stay free. He was the complete boss,
not Bonnie, like some have said. Clyde
dom ed all them around him, even
his older brother, Buck. Clyde planned.
and made all the decisions about. what
to heist and when to pull out and leave
a job alone. One time, up in Tennessee,
we were on the way to hit a cotton mill
We figured there was a big payroll
there. But Clyde called it off, because
there was water in the ditches along-
side the id we'd have used and we
wouldn't have been able to cut cross-
country to make time on the getaway.

tever

I followed him, just like everybody
who was ever with him did.

Clyde never had no big vice to in-
dulge like the robbers you read about
nowadays. He was no dopehead. He
never drank to excess. He didn't gam-
ble. Clyde just wanted to stay alive and
free, and Bonnie just wanted to be with
Clyde. He'd made the first wrong turn
and couldn't go back. He was the kind
who'd kill in a hot instant and every-
body who knew him knowed it. Nobody
fooled around у

He had that sawed-off 16-gauge au-
tomatic shotgun along with him all the
time. It had a one-inch rubbei nd
he'd cut out of a car-tire inner tube at-
tached to the cutoff stock. He'd slip his
arm through the band and when he put.
his coat on. you'd never know the gun
was there. The rubber band would give
when he snatched it up to fire. He kept
his coat pocket cut out so he could hold
the gun barrel next to his hip. It looked
like he just had his hand in his pocket.

The meanest wea arsenal

was Clyde's automatic rifle we'd stolen
from a National Guard armory. He had
cut off part of the barrel and had got
three ammo clips welded together so it
would shoot 56 times without reloading
Clyde called it his scatter gun. We had
a couple of regular automatic rifles and
some pistols. There was so many guns in
the car it was d not to show them
when we got out at a filling station or
tourist. court.
Луде liked to stay sharp and would
sometimes hit the car brakes of a sud-
Чеп, bounce out to thc roadside and
open up with that cutoff automatic rifle
on a пее or a sign for practice, He was
never more than an arm's reach [rom a
gun, even in bed. or out of bed on the
floor in the night, when he thought we
was all asleep and couldn't see him
kneeling there. I seen it more than once.
He prayed. I reckon he was praying for
his soul. Maybe it was for more life. He
knowed it would end soon. but he didn't
intend for it to be in jail.

Bonnie was the only one Clyde trust-
ed all the way. But not even Bonnic had.
a voice in the decisions. His leadership
was undisputed. She always agreed with
him when he hinted he might like to
hear her advice on something. As

Maybe she'd help carry what we
the с; io a touristcourt room. But
during the five big gun battles I was
with them, she never fired а gun. But
FH say she was a hell of a loader.
One time she did pick up Clyde's
shotgun and threaten him with it. He'd
something to me because tl
was using to change a flat ure kept slip-
ping. Clyde thought it was taking too
long. Bonnie come to my d held
Clyde at gun point. He turned around
and walked off. When a car stopped
and the driver asked if we needed. help,

The whole idea
of a man's cologne
is to start a kind of fire
in a woman.

Burley
starts the kind of fire
a woman cant put out.

A NEW FRAGRANCE FROM THE MEN AT OLD SPICE. BURLEY: COLOGNE, AFTER SHAVE AND GIFT SETS.

PLAYBOY

164

Clyde told him, “Hook 'em. We don't
need nobody's damned help." The heat
back of us was getting close enough to
put Clyde on edge at anything.

shed changing the flat and took
the shorgun from Bonnie so Clyde could.
come back to the car, We'd been drink-
ing white lightning, and you know how
that is. Clyde wasn't a heavy drinker.
There wasn't time, and he needed to
stay alert. But he liked to nip some.
When he did, Bonnie would sometimes
have to coax him back in the car. She'd
tell him, “Come on now, honey, The
laws might be right on us. Please, honey,
come on. Let's get moving.”

Bonnie was always neat, even on the
road. She kept on make-up and had her
hair combed all the time. She wore long
dresses and high heels and them little
tams on her head. She was a tiny little
thing. I reckon she never weighed more
than 100 pounds, even after a big meal.
But them big meals was usually bologna-

nd-cheese sandwiches and buttermilk on
the side of the road. Run, run, run. At
times, that seemed all we did.

She had light-colored hair, but she
dyed it different shades. She seemed to
like to do that, and Clyde approved. It
made a good disguise. She even dyed
his and my hair. Only once for me,
though. In them days, dyeing hair took
more than a little time. She had me all
wrapped in towels and I had to sleep
that way one night. It worked, though.
My hair come out black as coal.

Bonnie smoked cigarettes, but that
cigar bit folks like to tell about is phony.
I guess 1 got that started when I gave
her my cigar to hold when 1 was making
her picture. І made most of them pic
tures the laws picked up when we fled
Joplin, Missouri, leaving everything in
the apartment except the guns. I scen a
lot of them pictures in the newspapers
afterward. Them little poems Bonnie
made up made the papers, too. She
would think up rhymes in her head and
put them down on paper when we
stopped. Some of them she kept, but
she threw a lot of them away.

There was never a whole lot of talk
among us when we was on the road.

“You certainly have a gorgeous profile!!”

Often what seemed like hours of silence
would be broken as Clyde looked at her
and said somet like, "Honey, as
soon as I find a place, I'm gonna stop.
Im
always called her “Honey” or
and she called him "Daddy" or "Hon-
cy" They called me "Boy." I got to
where І called Bonnie nd Clyde
“Bud.” We couldn't say each other's
names, beca somebody a filling
station or a tourist court might pick up
on them and call the law.

Bonnie was always agreeable with
Clyde, but they did have some fallings
out. I've seen them fall out over a can of
а es. Не jerked it out of her hands
nd opened it with his pocketknife, and
her trying to tell him it had an opener.
But 1 never heard them call cach other
bad names. They hardly ever used dirty
words. I've heard today's teenagers use
words worse than Clyde and Boni
and they was deadly ош

Sometimes, when she got pulled up
about something. Clyde would kid her
and say, "Why don't you go on home to
Momma, baby? You probably wouldn't
get more th: ety-nine years. Texas
hasn't sent а woman to the chair yet,
and I'd send in my recommendation for
leniency.” She'd laugh at him then and
everything would be smooth again.

Bonnie was like Clyde. They had gri
They meant to stay free or go down
together.

Clyde had good manners, just nat
rally. It fooled lots of folks, like that po-
liceman in Missouri. We was driving
over a bridge and the motor law rolled.
up beside us and told us to pull over.
Clyde smiled and told him, "Just a min-
ute, sir."

It was night and Clyde wanted to get
off that bridge before he stopped. But
come on real nasty.
," he said.

Clyde kept right on going and saying,
"Just a minute, sir.” When we got off
the bridge, Clyde turned up a litle
street and stopped. The policeman come
up to the door. That's when Clyde
throwed that little shotgun in his face,
and that law done a turn around.

Clyde told me, “Get out and unhar-
ness him, boy.” I jumped out and took
the policeman’s pistol. Clyde told us to
get in the back seat, and we climbed in
the car. We drove about 150 miles be-
fore the сагъ battery run down and the
car quit. The generator wasn't working
right. We was just outside a little town
so Clyde told me, “Boy, you're gonna
have to go get a battery. Take him with
you." And that’s what we done. Me and
that policeman went into town and took
a battery out of a car and took turns
carrying it back to where Clyde and
Bonnie was waiting. You'd have thought
we was working buddies.

We had a pair of pliers and a wrench

cma

and that policeman worked right hard to
get that battery in the car like Clyde
inted. We got the car started and
Clyde turned him loose. We drove off
and left him there. He had to walk back
to town, but he was thrilled just to be
alive and free again, and he thanked us.

We never wanted to kill nobody. But
during the time I was with them, five
men got it. Four of them was lawmen
shot in gun battles. We was hit, too.
Sometimes we was hurt so bad it
seemed like the end. I got shot in the
side at Joplin, and my belly ached so
bad I thought the bullet had stopped
there. Clyde wrapped an elm branch.
with gauze and pushed it through the
hole in my side and out my back. The
bullet had gone clean through me, so

we knew it would heal. A lawman shot
olt the tips of two of my fingers in Ar-
kansas after me and Buck made a job

there, ‘There was two officers, and they
тип onto us accidentally as we was get-
ting away. We had nother car and
they stopped to sec about that. Buck
killed onc. The other run off and hid
id on a farmhouse porch. Our
wrecked, so we got in the police
nd was about 10 take off when that
man could shoot.

car
Taw st

All he id he was about
200 vards away from us, but hc knocked.
the horn. button off the steering wheel

with me uying to get the cor turned
around. That's how he got my finger tips.

lyde and Bonnie wasn't that
time. He was taking care of her back
st court. She'd been burned so
d nonc of us thought she was gonna
live. The hide on her right leg was
gone. from her hip down to her ankle.
could see the bone at places. She
got hurt when we run off into
bed where the bridge was out ne:
lington, Texas. The car
Bonnie was sull hung Je was
nighttime, but some farm folks sitting
on their front steps had seen us go off
the road. They helped get Bonnie out;
but when they seen all them guns in the
they called the Jaw. Clyde drew on
ind we took.
He set them in the back seat
with Bonnie across their laps, and we
drove on to meet Buck and his wile,
Blanche. Buck was all for killing the two
Jawmen; but Clyde, th g how gentle
they һай been with Bonnie, said no. He
told Buck to tie them up in the woods
d wed be on our way. Wh
come back and told how he'd t
to a tree with barbed wire, Clyde got
mad. “You didn't have to do that," hc
said.

Bonnie never got over that burn.
Even after it healed over, her leg was
drawn under her. She had to just hop or
hobble along. When she was so bad at
t, we had to carry her to the toilet
and take her off when she finished and
put her back in bed.

the тон
1

“At the rale you're going, yowll never get an
education; and if you want to participate in student
demonstrations, it will have to be as a policeman.”

I was carrying her on my back—hall
umbling, hall swimming—when me
nd her and Glyde got away from that

posse near Dexter, Towa, Thats where
Buck and Blanche was captured. Buck
i d a ma-

holding the posse off us. He'd
taken а shot in the leg and was hopping
along. I'd been hit in the chest with a
bullet and taken some shotgun pellets in
the face and chest and was losing a lot
of blood. Then Clyde caught a bullet in
the head on the side. [t must hı
bounced off a tree, because it did
in. It just dazed him. He run out of

We didn't have nothing to shoot with no
more, but we made it across. Clyde
went ahead and run up on some Parm-
ers, who don't know he's out of bullets,
and he gets th at's how we
finally got aw:
Way on down the road, when we
figured it was safe, we bought
was wearing some sheets that was left in
the car. We'd cut holes in them to stick
our heads in. Bonnie was lying in the
back scat all covered up. The ga
man looked at us funny, but it was wear
sheets or show how bloody and shot up
and muddy we was.
I reckon most folks find it hard to be-
e we never went to no doctor, but
that’s a fact. We stole a few doctors’
bags out of cars and used that medicine.

And we bought alcohol and salves at
drugstores. But we couldn't risk going to
а doctor and getting turned in.
I left Clyde and Bonnie after they
was healed up enough to ger by without
le put me out to steal a car and
1 ‘em back to Texas
га had enough blood and hell.

for a vegetable peddler, knowed me and
turned me in 10 the liw, They tried me
Tor killing a sheri at Dallas.
Clyde done it, bur I was glad to take
the rap. Arkansas wanted to extradite
me, and 1 sure didn't want to go to no
Arkansas prison. 1 figure now that if Ar-
ansas had got me, one of them skele-

"^ man

tons they've dug up there might have
been me.
That Bonnie and Clyde movie made

but like 1
r me

it all look sort of glamorou
told them tec
at the di

ides, there's more lawmen. nowadays
with better ways of catching vou. You
couldn't get away. anyway. The only
y I come through it was because the
Good Lord musta been watching over
me. But you cant depend on that, nei-
ecause He's got more folks to
watch over now than He did then.”

165

EDWIN NEWMAN weighty anchor man

"TWO OF THE QUALITIES that give Edwin Newman's com-
mentaries their special distinction are his wit and depth of
understanding, both conspicuous rarities ro he cherished and
honored,” says the Peabody Award citation that NBC's ver-
satile critic at large received last ycar. Anyone who's turned
him on and tuned him in is familiar with Newman's percep-
tive combination of common-sense reporting and sardonic
wisecracking—a happy blend that suggests Huntley and Brink-
ley rolled into one. Whether anchoring a special news report
or subhosting the Today show, he's equally capable of well-
informed comment and expert adJibbing. Newman once ex-
temporized a speech about TV's men behind the scenes—the
“unsung herocs"—saying that he'd never heard a word about
ung hero"; he finally concluded it must be "a Chinese
estaurant that sells Italian sandwiches." Newman's exhaust-
ing schedule makes him, at 49, about the most ubiquitous
broadcaster around; his agenda includes narrating documen-
aries, conducting a weekly interview series titled Speaking
Freely, doing his own carly-alternoon newscast, reporting the
evening news, occasionally moderating Meet the Press, acting
as trenchant drama critic on the late news and as a freewheel-
ing observer on NBC's radio series Emphasis. He's also called
upon to cover marathon crises such as the United Nations de-
bates on the Israeli War, during which he wryly observed,
me of the ‘distinguished representatives’ of the UN are, as
it happens, strikingly undistinguished.” But he's at his best
when tackling the grueling assignment of floor reporter at the
national political conventions. Taking a swipe at the use of
computers to project the outcome of an election, he says, "As
a journalist, I find that the usc of all these machines destroys
the mystique; I rather regret that, because I think it takes
ay something from those of us in the business. The ma-
66 chines are replacing us.” In Newman's case, that's not

FLIP WILSON witty gritty

THE ANTIC wit of Flip Wilson is at its best when the 35-year-
old comic deals with interracial subjects: In one of his rou-
tines, Wilson tells of a pollster who enters a suburban home
to ask the parents if they'd object if their daughter married
a Negro. The husband shouts to his wile upsi
would you mind if our daughter married a Negro?" Come:
the high-pitched, Butterfly McQueen reply, “Honey, she

marry anybody she want!” Although such stories take just
seconds to tell. they're us

lly several years in the making.
Says Wilson, “I've been compiling a book on the laws of
humor ever since I started out in show business.” Flip re
members deciding to be a comic when he was eight, after
seeing a comedy revue in his home town of Jersey City, New
Jersey. The tenth of 24 children, Wilson was raised in—and
ran away from—a succession of foster homes and, at 16, lied
about his age to enlist in the Air Force. "When I got out,
recalls, "I gave mysclf 15 years to become a success. І figured
that doctors and lawyers have to put in time going to school
d getting established, so why should comedians be differ-
ent?” For the next decade, Flip hitchhiked across Amer
playing tiny clubs and passing the hat for food money.
never had anything to call my own, anyway.” he says.
being broke didn't bother me, And I knew I was making
progress." The lean years ended abruptly in 1965, when Flip
broke up the host—and his audience—on The Tonight Show.
Since then, he's worked the Playboy Club circuit, has been
a frequent guest star on Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In and is
nd for night-club dates and college concerts. In
i ip takes another major step: His first TV special, a
pilot he's done for NBC, will be shown in prime time—and
could lead to a series of his own. If sales of his two recent
comedy LPs are any measure of hi: ity, it’s sale to
say that much of America is now tu

LEONARD COHEN renaissance mensch

COMMON with the beatniks and more
s Leonard Cohen. “The next thing may
he even closer to where I am"—a prediction unlikely of ful
fillment, unless the post-hippie era finds us in a full-blown
renaissance, the only climate in which the 34-year-old Cana
1 poct-novelist-composer-singer would be at home. Sc

usc
with the hippies,” а

at the family business alter gradu from McGill Uni-
versity, but soon decided that poetry would have to take
precedence over haberdashery. He wrote three yolumes of
tough-tender verse before turning 30. and his first novel.
The Favorite Game, а s ideration of his child-
hood, his Jewishness and his girls. rls. In the
last chapter, Cohen's hero praises "all the bodies in and out
of bathing suits . . . growing in mirrors, felt like treasure,
slobbered over, cheated for, all of them, the great ballet
linc. ” Beautiful Losers, a second novel, followed in 1966,
the year Cohen started setting his poems to music—and sing-
ing them. By the end of that year, the haunting Suzanne was
an underground sensation in the repertory of Judy Colli
it is now the featured number on Columbia's Songs of Leon-
ard Cohen, the writer's own first album. His second album, as
well as a series of concerts and readings and several appear-
ances on the Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour are all sched-
uled for the next [ew months, in the wake of one of Cohen's
periodic forays from the Greek island of Hydra, where he
lives with his wife and son. "A kite is a victim you are sure
one of his poems begins. "You love it because it pulls
gentle enough to call you master / strong enough to call you
Though kite-flyer Cohen seems to regard himself more
as a fool than as master of his many gi s dear that
the gentleness and strength of those gifts have established
him as both poet laureate and minstrel to a new generation. 167

PLAYBOY

168 A. T.R Ts

ELECTORATE (continued from page 155)

at the same time, and the present Bell
system would be in deep trouble. But if
we can believe half the predictions being
made by A. T. & T. executives, a new era
of limitless electronics is just around the
corner. Every home tied in to a telephone
or a cable television (CATV) line. they
say, will then be able to have a private
fashion show via Picturephone, after
which one will place his order with the
store by some push-button arrangement;
two-way video communications will allow
businessmen to close their offices and
handle their work from a couch at home;
newspapers will be printed electronically
right in the front room; and clectronic
banking—already in its infancy—will
have progressed to the point that your
doctor, after holding a round-table elec-
tronic conference with doctors in other
Cities as to what causes your pain, will be
able to push a few buttons and have
money transferred from your account to
his.

Instant electronic democracy will be
one of the easier additions to this scene.
‘The day's legislation would be carried
over radio and television. (of which
there are more than one-quarter billion
sets in use in the U.S, today) and in
the daily press, for those who still prefer
to handle what they read. The hookup,
of course, might have to be expanded:
some economists estimate that it would
cost about $6,000,000 to wire all the

homes in a city of 100,000—not allow-

g for existing telephone and САТУ
lines. This is $60 a citizen, which some
might consider to be an expensive invest-
ment in grassroots democracy; but if it
brought about the abandonment of Con-
yy committee sı

ings in salaries alone for one year would
wire several dozen cities that size.

One could legislate by first dialing his
registration number on the telephone
d then dialing the prescribed number
for "yes" and ^ Voters without

то.
phones but who are hooked into САТУ
would have some similar push-button

angement. In апу event, no special
houscholl switchboard would be re-
d. John R. Pierce, executive direc-
tor of Bell "Telephone Labs, has given
his assurance that the same wires that
bring in gossip or soap ads will be able
to carry democracy out of the house.
“Once you have the tr: ion facili-
ties available," he said, "they can be
used for everything interchangeably, You

commun
want to tr

American political ingenuity being
what it is, there would almost certainly
be schemes devised for padding the bal-
lot box via the corner phone booth,
but there is even protection against that
not far away. S. F. Damkroger, one of
sistant vice-presidents, said

tion system for everyt

that perhaps by the 1970s, scientists will
have perfected telephone “input de
that can understand the human voice
its millions of varieties.” Your voice will
be as unique as your fingerprints, and
nobody will be able to imitate your voice
and vote for the Columbia River Basin
budget against your wishes.

ce the three-way balance of power
in our Federal Government is supposed
10 be too sacred to tinker with, it is star-
tling to sce proposals surfacing from
time to time that would make Congress
no more powerful than the British royal
family. In a faint, usually indefinable
way, the idea docs keep fluttering
around at the back of the politically so-
phisticated people in this country. Usu-
ally, the suggestions are oblique; they
talk of strengthening the Presidency or
they defend the U.S. Supreme Court
for writing Jaws rather than merely in-
terpreting them. And this is what ma
the idea of an instant electorate rep
ing Congress, at least in part, much
more than merely hypothetical.

For the truth is, Congress, by its i
tion, has driven people to desperate
thoughts. Problems sometimes drag on
to such intolerable lengths that even the
best of people begin to think of radical
mutations to tradition. Faced with thc
longest war in our history, а gold crisi:
the highest interest rates in almost 100
years, am increasingly nasty racial con-
frontation and an urban pudding that
indudes everything from feces-clogged
rivers to autoxlogged. strcets— Congress,
in its special wisdom, has passed no major
remedial legislation in the past two and
Е years.

One of the old dichés around Wash-
glon describes Congress only in nega-
tive terms—“The House kills the good
bills and the Senate kills the bad"—and
although this is not altogether accurate,
it does underscore the decades that
sometimes elapse between the publics
awareness of needs (medical insurance,
voting-rights laws, consumer-protection
laws, subsidies, etc) and
Congressional response to those needs.
When Harry Truman went around the
country in 1948 winning public support
for his candidacy by de that
donothing 80th Congr in
fact, committing somet
because the 80th Congress was no morc
of a do-nothing Congress than most
Congresses; and in the intervening 20
years, the public has come to realize this
and admit it, After Congress refused to
touch President Kennedy's major pro
posals in 1968, Walter Lippmann echoed
a prevailing anger among the egghead
electorate when he asked, “What kind
of legislative body is it that will not or

a

cannot legislate?” No answers were forth-
coming. And two years later, such was
the concern among scholars at the decay
trophy of Congress that a group of
eminent political scientists met at the
Harriman estate in New York to decide
what, if any, hope remained for revital-
izing Congress. The report issued at the
conclusion of that mecting sounded rath-
er pessimistic. It saw Congress as continu-
ing to operate in a 19th Century fashion,
insulated from the new America . . .
losing its ability to act quickly and
dccisivcl and warned that unless it
somehow reforms itself, "Congress may
cease to be a legislative body in the
traditional sense.

Outsiders aren't the only ones to think
ongress ma
be incompetent to cope with the prob-
lems and needs of 200,000,000 people has
even penetrated the mind of Congress
itself. Senator Joseph Clark recently
wrote a book with the selfexplanatory
title Congress: the Sapless Branch, Rich-
ard Bolling, an outstanding moderate of
Missouri, whose two decades in Congress
have left him limp with cynicism, au-
thored a book in which he acknowledged
that his side of the Capitol, the House,
is “ineffective in its role as a coordinate
branch of the Federal Government, nega-
tive in its approach to national tasks,
generally umresponsive to any but
parochial economuc interests"; in other
words, virtually worthless as а Federal
legislature.

If anything made the campaigns of
Robert Kennedy and Eugene McCarthy
seem different, despite a great deal of
standard rhetoric, it was that—largely
because they were being deprived of
the support of the political professionals
—both candidates recruited an impres-
sive following with one theme,
“Turn politics back to the people.” Dis-
enchantment with professional politics,
and especially with Washington's variety,
can no longer be considered merely the
grumpiness of the sophisticates. In only
one brief period has the public stated its
confidence in the conduct of Congress,
1964—1966, the few really productive
years since Franklin D. Roosevelt's first
term. Before and since that unique 1964—
1966 blossoming, only about one third of
the public consistently said it thought
Congress was doing a good job. Just as
thumping Congress long ago became
part of our folk humor (Mark Tw:
“It could probably be shown by facts
and figures that there i ictly

Americam mative criminal class except
Congress”), despising the products of
Congress has become a serious part of our
‚ reasserted on July fifth of this

folkw:
year, when pollster Louis Harris released
a survey showing only 13 percent of the

“You may be a pretender 10 my throne, but keep
the hell out of my bedroom!”

PLAYBOY

170

"Well, for heaven's sake! Stop blowing that silly horn
and maybe he'll stop roaring and beating his chest!”

American people thought politicians
were doing a better job than they had in
the past (88 percent held that favorable
opinion of physicians), but 38 percent
felt politicians had slipped considerably
in quality and 49 percent thought they
were barely holding their own.

However, inasmuch as the initiative
for a constitutional amendment must
come either from Congress itself or from
the state legislatures, the people's elec-
tronic proxy will never be set up. One of
the chief reasons is that in the cverlast-
ing tug of war between rural and urban
forces for political domination, the rubes
are still very much in control. In recent
years, the farms have been losing popu-
lation at the rate of five percent a y
the population majority, and with it the
major problems of the nation, has swung
to the urban centers. But, in general,
state legislatures do not address them-
selves to this urban majority.

Far less does Congress. There are 21

standing committees in the House of
Representatives; only six chairmen
come from urban centers of more than
100000 population, and two of these

and William Dawson of
Chicago, chairman of the Government
Opcrations Committee—grew up in a ru-
ral or small-town atmosphere, Mahon on
a farm and Dawson in Albany, Georgia.
Six of the chairmen hail from towns so
small that they are not listed in The
World Almanac, which lists any center
of more than 2500.

‘The three most powerful men in the
House are Wilbur Mills, chairman of the
Ways and Means Committee, who comes
from Kensett, Аг as, with less than
1000 population; William Colmer, chai
man of the Rules Committee, whose
home is Pascagoula, Mississippi, popu-
lation 17,155; and Mahon of Lubbock,
which is not so much a city as it is
a big general store for the vast farming

and ranching area of which it is the hub.

These three men, who represent both
legislatively and spiritually the most

а nt backwaters of America, have
much to say about the pace and style of
our national life, because they are еп
powered to answer these three most
basic questions: Which bills will be per-
miued to come to a vote? Who and
what is Congress going to tax and who
and what will it allow to escape taxa
tion? How, where and when is the mon-
ey going to be spent?

"Their power—like most 'of the power
around Congress—comes from thc im-
pregnable seniority system, not from
their ing been singled out because of
noticeable wisdom and leadership quali-
ties. Yet if the answers they help supply
somehow seem more in tune with the
time of Harding and Coolidge, it isn't
that rural and small-town p ns are
any dumber than city ones; they are
simply quite accurately representing
their constituencies. Having grown up
themselves where it was normal to swim
in likes and rivers and uncrowded
pools, they can't understand why big-
city youngsters fight to have the fire hy-
drants turned on; getting one of the
local nice girls in trouble was the great-

imaginable where they came from,
ul carnage and thievery of
the big cities strikes them as just too vile
to think about, much less try to solve;
they no more want to come to
with the muck of the "inner at
phrase most of them probably find
offensively pedantic—than Senator Jacob
Javits (who grew up on New York City’s
Lower East Side) wants to learn how to
ilk a goat.

‘The House Un-American Acti
Commitee, which tries to set the stand-
ards of patriotism for the country, is
marshaled by Edwin Willis, the out
standing resident of St. Martinville, a
7000 population Louisiana town where
some of the inhabitants still believe
voodoo. The Interior and Insular Affairs
Committee, which determines whether
the giant sequoias of California should
be spared the lumberman's ax and
whether dams should be built in the
Grand nyon for the benefit of power
companies, is run by a former fruit
farmer, Wayne Aspinall, whose home
is near the family orchard in Palisade,
Colorado (population: 860) Harley O.
Staggers, who presides over Interstate
and Foreign Commerce matters, is an
ex-coach and ex-sheriff who lives where
he was born, in Keyser, West Virginia
(population: 7041)

"The House, obviously, is close to Nor-
1 Rockwell's America. Its leaders are
а languid fraternity of uncomplicated
men who are guided by the principle
that the simplest things are best; there-
fore, it is quite appropriate that the man
who presides over the Education and

Labor Committee (Carl D. Perkins)

hails from a Kentucky town of 793 and
never

college:
rs the ¢

graduated from
R: who cha

Services Committee, comes from
town in South
in an

Carolina and was never
Tvice: that John Мс
ol the District of
Committee and thereby the
mayor of the most integrated
major city in America, is from a 25,500-
population town in South Carolina and
is himself an unshrinking segregationist;
and that Wright Patman, the 75-year-
old gentleman from Texarkana, Texas
30,000), who guides the
Banking and Currency Committee, is so
entrapped by antiquated economic feuds
that he pe ally makes a speech de-
nouncing John D. Rockefeller, Sr., who
has been d ‚ and thinks that
the pinnacle of his carcer was reached in
1932, when he proposed the impeachment
of Treasury Secretary Andrew Mellon.

Apart from the fact that an elec
tronic electorate would take the power
center from the boondocks, there
is another threat, perhaps even more
ominous to Washington's officcholder
What would happen to the booty they
are now knocking down Гог themselves
and their friends and constituents?

It is impossible to list all the pork-
barrding that would make important
Congressmen laugh at the idea of volun-

active

Columbia

tarily surrendering their powers to the
people. Laughing hardest of all would
be Mendel Rivers, who has established so
many military installations in his South
Carolina district that its Federal. payroll
comes to almost 5300.000,000 a year and,
judging from some of his recent rem.
considers this just a beginning.

Most im с
admit that the U.S.
15 presently operated, is one of the big
gest branches of deadwood kept alive
with subsidies; but the subsidies are cer-
tainly going то keep flowing if Edward
Garmatz, chairman of the House Mer-
chant Marine Committee, has anything
to say about it: his home town is Balt
more, the fourth largest ocean shipping
te al on the East Coast.

One of the most fascinating franchises
in Congress rests in the agriculture
committees. Except for defense indus-
wialists, no group of businessmen is so
protected. by the American taxpayers
those big-big farmers who prefer to call
themselves "agribusinessmen." It is for
them that the Department of Agricul-
ture is funded by Congress. While the
noncompetitive small farmers are forced
to sell out in larger numbers each year,
the agribusinessmen grow fatter from
Federal price supports amd for not
planting certain crops (the cuphemism
is “acreage diversion”). The biggest

fall payments go to the cotton
states; and it is no surprise to find that
of the 35 members of the House Agri
culture Committee, 90 ате from cotton
states; on the Senate Agriculture Com-
mittee, it’s 8 of 15 members. W. R.
Poage, who owns Iwo farms in Texas,
is chairman of the House group:
Texas gets the largest handout of all—
295,713,000 last year, nearly one third
the total paid to the nation’s cotton
farmers. Texas also got the fifth largest
handout for feed grains; Poage raises
feed grains. In terms of seniority, the
next eight Democrats on the House farm
committee are from Arkansas, South
Carolina, Mississippi. Virginia, Missou
Kentucky. Texas and Georgia. The chair-

0 of the Senate farm group is Allen
Ellender of Louisiana, whose cotton-
raising constituents received $38,000,000
last year: Louisiana alo received

$8.158.178 (just behind California and
Hawaii) under the Sugar Act Program—
a program whose effect, if not goal, is to
keep sugar prices high in the grocery
store. Ellender has always been looked
upon as a stout friend of the sugar lob-
by. and it was perhaps because of this
that he received certain favors in return,
such the reportedly preferential
prices on land sold to him by a sugar
company in Lou
volvement of Ellender in farm affairs,
however, is trivial compared with that

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PLAYBOY

of the third-ranking member of the Sen-
ate committee, nes Eastland, who
owns а 5800-асге plantation in Mississip-
pi. for which he annually receives from
the Government more than 5130.000 in
subsidies: and, according to the Fed
Reserve Bank, that is just the beginni
Whether these men are interested i
creasing their popularity and fortunes at
home or whether they are simply
terested in the welfare of their constitu-
ents, they are not likely to willingly give
up their powers to a button-pushing
Yankee city dweller

Even if the people in other sect
the country agreed that the cotton
ers deserved the kind of help they are
now getting from the Federal Govern-
ment, they might insist that the distribu-
tion of the money be changed; the local
йене commitiees that de-
termine who will be permitted to plant
how much cotton are, at this time, alto-
gether made up of white men, and the
result has been that those Negroes lucky
enough to own land have been given
piddling cotton allotments, if any at all.
"That is one reason Negro farmers are
selling out and heading for West €
and Northern cities; as they leave, the
ads are bought up by the white giants.
1 exodus that hardly benefits the
North, and this is one reason the South-
dominated ag
Congress would not exactly welcome
turning the matter over to an elector
in which New York, Cleveland
Angeles voters would have a
vote.

Of the 535 те
gress, about 300
have found extr

ast

ture committees

and women
are attorneys; some
profit in being both a
Congressman n attorney., Senator
George Smathers of Florida, for esam-
ple, claims that he has not practiced law
since he entered Congres in 1947. Yet
for some reason, his Miami law firm is
popular with such clients as Pan Ameri-
can World Airways, Seaboard World
Airlines. Standard Oil Company, Gulf
Oil Corpor
and Western Un
ny—all of whom, except Pan American,
hired his firm after he became a Sena-
tor. Smathers is not unusual, except that
he does pretend to have nothing to do
with his firm; most Congressmen don't
bother to pretend. Senate Republican
leader Everett ksen's law firm in
Peoria has such customers as paper com-
panies, bottling companies, insurance
companies, steel companies and a score
of other industries. Senator John Mc
Clellan, chairman of the Permanent In-
vestigating Subcommittee, by supposedly
being quite an inveterate foe of naughti-
ness, is in à wonderful position to protect
his own ids and thereby be rewarded.
He once held a brief—very bricf—investi-

nd

ation, McKesson & Robbins
"Telegraph. Compa-

172 gation into an oillobbying scandal, but

he cut it oif before involving such clients.
of his Little Rock law firm as Standa
Oil, Seaboard Oil, Carter Oil and Tide-
water Oi cClellan has, with a great
deal of fanfare, investigated nk scan-
dals; he has been quieter about the fact.
that he opposed the chartering of banks
that would compete with two in which
he holds stock. Congressman Emanuel
Celler maintains an active law office
whose income is probably not hurt by
the fact that he is chairman of the
House Judiciary Committee. Spessard
Holland, second-ranking Democrat on
the Senate Agriculture Committe
law firm in Tampa; among its clients is
a major fruit packing company. Thomas
Gettys
ng Committee, fr
he can watch over € not only
of the Rock Hill, South Carolina, bank
in which he controls substantial stock
but also of the trust accounts for which
he is an attorney. It is almost useless to
begin a list such as this, because no
matter how elaborate it is, many of the
connections would be missed.

It must be dear by now that we are
not dealing simply with the questions of
clliciency and democracy but with that
much more tender con: tion, mon-
су. Just as half the Pentagon budget has
nothing to do with defense and every-
thing to do with cconomic pump prim
ing, so would the existence ol Congress
be viewed by n nation's lead-
ers as an economic ty. to help
support the multimillion-dollar legal and
lobbying industries that have grown up
around it. If Congress should disappear,
or if its powers were dispersed, it would
be a tremendous blow to the pocket-
hooks of such august Washington-based
law firms as Covington and Burling; Ar-
nold and Porter; Hogan and Hartson
Corcoran, Foley. Youngman and Rowe
Clifford and Miller; and Ginsburg and
Feldman.

One of Washington's favorite success
rumors is of how Clark Clifford, now S
retary of Defense, split a 51,000,000 fee
from E. I. du Pont for help in persuad-
ing Congress to take the company off
the hook in a tax case. At no time in hi
career did Clifford register as a lobbyist;
he felt he was above that sort of thing.
“We run a law office here,” he once ех
plained haughtily, “with a background
of experience in the general practice of
law, topped off by an intimate knowl-
edge of how the Government operates.
He did not lobby Congress himself in
the Du Pont case, but he selected the
lobbyist and he told him where to go.
Where could he tell the lobbyist to go,
if there were no Congress? And how
could such eminent attorneys as James
Rowe (one of Humphrey's top adviso
in the 1968 campaign) and Thomas Cor-
coran (who started with F. D. R. and ha

of the White House
y so effectively in

been in and out
back door ever since) st
the thick of things, if there were no
Congress 10 lean on. by leaning on the
President? Such men would cont
a very wealthy way to manipulate the
agencies and bureaucracies of the Fed-
eral Government, but part of their foun-
lation would be missing and with it
would go much of their usefulness, as
well as much of their pride, in being the
real Government—the persuaders.
Nobody knows how much is spent by
lobbyists on themselves and on their
‚ about 300 organiza
report spending from $4,000,000
to 35,000,000 and individual lobbyists
report another $1,000,000 or so: but
most observers agree that if the 1046
Federal Regulation of Lobby
were really obeyed. at least tw
umount would be reported. The rewards
are many. lt is a matte
for an insurance lobbyist, say, to hear
Senator Dirksen read the speech the
lobbyist wrote; he could not hope to
find the same place in history for him-
self if he were dealing directly with that
chaotic mass, the instant electorate. The
American Legion can have an impres-
sive chea on 535 Congressmen by
spending about $150,000 a year; lobby-
ing the public with that amount would.
come to virtually nothing; it would pay
for 20 full-page ads in The New York
Times, and that's about all. And what
would the Iron Ore Lessors Association
do with its $55,000 lobbying slush fund
ectly with the pub-
ic? The idea of the Iron Ore Lessors
Association launching a directmail as-
sault on the minds of America’s house-
wives somehow doesn't scem realistic.
And the same might be said of all those
countless other esoteric, but in their
way important, lobbying groups, such
the Central Arizona Project Association
(which spends more thin $100,000 a
year mying to persuade Congress to {i
vor ona rather than Califo:
the dispute over Colorado river wat
Quite apart from the fact that the public
simply is not interested in the causes of
most special-interest groups, a great
many who can now afford to lobby Con-
gress in a meager style could not begin
to think of lobbying even a measurable
fraction of the electorate, What, for in.
stance, could the South Potomac Ci
zens’ Crisis Committee hope to do along
those lines with its 53032 lobbying
fund? Or the Colorado Open Space
Coordina Council with its $2817?
The coordinated powers standing to-
gether to defend Congress а
change, it seems clear, would be great
enough to doom any prospect for a coup
by the electo

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2

PLAYBOY

every fairly calm observer of the Ameri-
can political process has agreed that if
the country is to survive, it must be kept
out of the hands of the people.

In Congress’ incapacity to act rests
one of the great safeguards of the re-
public. “The lagging. sometimes dull
witted and often insensitive Congress
protects the majority from those half-
baked patrioti ties that it would
like to carry into action immediately.
The push of an electronic button would
be none too fast for most people, It
this impulsiveness for which Congress-
men properly see themselves as antidotes.

Not long ago. I put this question to
king people: "If we
a system by
te could man-
ше Congress—ihat is, if the electorate
could say, "We want you to bring such
and such a program into being, but we
will leave the details to you—and if that
mandate carried the weight of law,
would you favor it? There would still be
a Congress, but the people could re-
quire action from you."

Only one—Senator Stephen Young of
Ohio—thought it might be a good idea.
He forecast that the change would be “а
great leap forward." (But the strength

of his opinion was diminished later in
the conversation when he said that
should the instantelectorate mandate

ever come into existence, he wouldn't
want to be in Congres. Even under
present conditions, his constituents
sometimes drive him wild. He once
wrote an Ohio voter, "If you just want
somebody to sit down here in Washing-
ton and vote according to the weight of
his mail, you shoukl hire a butcher's ap-
prentice for $100 a week and stop pay-
ing me $30,000 a year"—and when that
letter was made public, the Lucas County
Meat Cutters Association immed
passed a resolution condemning hi
slander, One has the feeling that Senator
Young would like to turn the business of
politics over to the voters simply to
escape them.)

Wright Patman, the old populist from
east Texas, said he wouldn't think of
taking orders directly from the elector-
ate. “That system doesn't contemplate
intelligent consideration of the facts. In-
telligent thought requires а body where
all the facts can be presented, 1 don't
object to town-hall meetings, but when
a judgment is required based on facts,
that requires a contemplative body like
Congress. Гуе had to vote against some
things that the public's for. But when
you explain your vote, they are usually
Tor it.”

"The same kind of response came from
Congressmen known for their liberalism:
Henry Reuss, whose attitude and record
in Congress are often faithful to the rad-
ical socialist traditions of his native Mil-
; Robert William Kastenmeit

174 one of the creators of “The Liberal Pa-

Burton, one
sent
Claude Pepper, who
chased out of the Senate by the
lorida electorate for hi beralism in
1950 and wangled his way back into the
House by moving to a liberal district;
and Don Edwards
the Americans for Democratic Action
but, in fact, much more progressive than
the mass of that organization. Here is
group of men who have pitched uh
s to fighting that vague bogey
“the establishment” and championing
what Henry Wallace used to call, just as
vaguely, “the common man.” But, one
and all, they shudder at the thought of
the publics dominating the machinery
of Government. Burton made no pr
tense of respecting his constituents’
depth of understanding. “The best votes
t at first
my constituents would be
Kastenmeier implied the same
I may be cynical, but if 1 fol-
lowed the wishes of my people, 1 would
never again be able to vote against the
[t (I favor a volunteer Army) or
against HUAC. It’s not that I don't have
confidence in the electorate; І just like
to think they have confidence in me,”
Further conversation indicated that he
meant he had confidence the electorate
would send a good man to Congress
who then would have the strength to
disregard the people wha supported
him. Each year, Kastenmeier faithfully
polls his constituents as to their ideas on
this or that subject—and then, just as
faithfully, disregards their wishes. His
reasoning is the same as Reu:
procedure has even broken down
New England town meetings, because
the questions have become so very com-
plex. We aren't just dealing with prob-
lems; we are dealing with the problem
of stating the problems. A lot of static
would come through the electronics
gear.” In other words, the people are
ignorant. Pepper says it, too. "If you
were to ask the people, ‘Do you want to
clean up the slums? most people would
say yes. But if you asked them, “Do you
want to pay 30 billion dollars more over
a certain period to clean up the slum?"
you'd get a different response, It's a
very dificult thing to establish priorities.
Congress, in its bungling way, is in a
better position to see the whole рісци
and to make the decisions." Of them all.
Edwards—although he flatly stat he
worst thing you could have is simply a
reflection of what the people think”—is
perhaps a shade more trusting than the
others. He sees Congress less in the role
of a father than in the role of a teacher.
He calls it “an educational institution”
that is necessary “for the evolvement of
modern and higher-level thinking,
Putting aside the inevitable dash of
vanity that leads Congressmen to such a
conclusion, it is quite easy to construct —

I cast are those for bills th
blush,

from the Government Printing Office—
enormous pile of evidence that the
public could not begin to cope, even in
broad terms, with the job that Congress
handles. What position, for example,
would the electorate take, via its millions
of push buttons, when the question at
issue concerns the District of Columbia
Area Transit Compact (to which the
House Judiciary Committee, in however
slipshod a style, devoted several hundred

es of hearings)? Or what would the
ate do with the Interstate Taxa-
tion Act (to which the same committee
devoted 1879 pages of testimony and
evidence): or with the copyrightlaw re-
vision (2056 pages of testimony and
evidence)?

Boring, repetitious, sometimes devious,
usually complex to the extreme, the de-
bate that rolls out in these committee
hearings is, nevertheless, the pulse beat
of a nation's life. There is no way for
entire electorate to experience it.
mply as a work horse, if [or nothing

Congress is

else,

s only 249 bills that it considered
able to become laws.

Probably two thirds of these bills were
repetitions or useless, but that would
still leave almost 6000 for the instant
electorate to cope with—for an average
of 22 bills to be considered every weel

m

day. the year around. The amount of
intelligent consideration these bills
would receive, jammed between

watching TV and a trip to the corner
tavern, would not likely be impressive.
The public could hardly be expected
to grasp the content of all this legisla-
tion, seeing as how Congressmen, with
the best of will, can't do it. Many of
them admit that they spend 90 percent
sework"—deciding
going to be the next rural mail
carrier or getting some soldier home i
time for his mother's funeral, Some Con
gressmen say they find it impossible—
because they have to do so much grub-
by work for their constituents—to he
timately aware of what is contained
more than two or three important picce:
of le ion cach session. The costliest
bills to pass through Congress have to
do with the defense budget, but, as one
conservative Republican House member
cknowledged: "I'd say that not one
percent of the House knows anything
bout the work of the Defense Subcom
mittee. In this business, you've just got
to trust your colleagues, especially whei
it comes to the committees on Ways and
Means and Appropriations. The legi
jon those committees deal with
compl npossible for
the ordinary member to have any idea
about what is going on. It is an unsatis-
factory way to legislate, but I don't
know of any alternative.”
If Congressmen decide their votes by

is so

virtually i

175

“The plot thickens... ^

PLAYBOY

following the leader as the best alterna-
ive to flipping a coin, they nevertheless
display sheer brilliance compared with
the electorate, which seldom is fami
with any legislation except the most crit-
ical and knows it only in the broadest
outline. This is hardly a recent develop-
ment. In 1954, the Congressional fight
over Senator Bricker's proposal to curb
Presidential powers in foreign affairs
stirred Washington to a uniquely bitter
division; lor days, the headlines of the
national press were full of the debate:
but Callup found 81 percent of the pop-
ulation cheerily admitting it had never
heard of Senator Bricker’s proposal.
Three years after Senator Joseph Mc-
arthy was censured by his colleagues,
polls found that more than half the elec-
torate had forgotten what the McCarthy
furor was all about. Periodically, Gallup
asks people if they know the names of
their representatives in Congress; usual-
ly more than half admit, without re-
morse, that they do not know. Polls
have found that only about 20 percent
of the people ever get into political dis-
cussions with their friends. Early this
year, 18 percent of the people inter-
viewed by Gallup's pollsters said they
had a “great deal” of interest in politics,
but twice that number said they had lit-
tle or no interest at all. Shortly after the
Isracli-Arab conflict broke out again last
year, half of the people who talked with
Louis Harris pollsters admitted they
weren't following the dispute closely
enough to care what was going on: then,
with typical ambivalence, 77 percent said
they would prefer to work things out
through the United Nations; but 49 per-
cent went on to say they thought the UN
was ineffective in the crisis.

A Government run by the electorate
would be a Covernment made giddy by
fluctuating passions. Shortly after the
sination of Robert Kennedy, Louis
Harris found that two out of thrce
Americans believed “something is deep-
ly wrong in America.” But only two
weeks later, George Gallup reported
that only one out of three still felt that
society was sick. In May 1967, Harris
found that Johnson failed by three
points to have a majority support; the
next month, the Johnson balloon was
flying again, however, and a six-point
majority said they would favor Johnson
in an election. The reason for the elec-
torate's shift? Simply that Johnson had
layed out of the Middle East crisis—
making this perhaps the sharpest reversal
of public sentiment recorded in recent
years as the result of mo action. Four
months later, the polls showed Johnson
again would lose to Romney, Rockefeller,
Nixon or Reagan, if an election were held
right then; but six months later, the pub-

si

176 lic had reversed itself once more and said

it would favor Johnson over any of the
C. O. P. contenders. Perhaps because its
vision is so close to the ground, no mag-
azine comes up with more evocative
quotes from the man in the street than
does U. 5. News and World Report;
nothing Бецег expresses die public's
quality and degree of stability than the
quote U.S. News carried last May from
Juan Cruz. a human-relations coord
tor for the Chicago Board of Educatio
“IE the election were held tomorrow, I
would have to vote for Nixon, the man
with the most experience. I might
change my mind later and go for Ki
nedy. But I still think the country
should draft Johnson. I don't think we
should change horses in m
Semper fidelis.

Comparative brilliance and efficiency,
however, is really beside the point. If
the instant clectorate made disastrous
decisions on bread-and-butter issues, the
republic would survive; the bureaucracy
would somehow keep the planes flying,
the butter refrigerated, The big worry is
whether the electorate, given its head,
would maintain for more than 48 hours
anything resembling our traditional con-
stitutional democracy.

For the truth is, a dangerously large
slice of the American public yearns for
totalitarian solutions. “It is in protecting
our civil liberties,” says Don Edwards,
“that Congressmen rim into the most
serious opposition from their constitu-
ents. We have had poll after poll that
shows the people would not re-enact the
First Amendment to the Constitution
[freedom of religion, speech, press and
assembly] if the question were put to
them today."

The most nt polls of the sort
referred to by Edwards have been con-
ducted within the past ten years; their
results have, for good reason, not been
publicized by the Voice of America, be-
cause they portray a side of our nature
that America’s propagandists would just
as soon forget, especially when talking
with Europeans who remember the
good, decent Germans who were the
foundation of the N

Using Tallahassee, Florida, and Ann
Arbor, Michigan, as sample areas, a uni-
versity survey showed that more than
half the electorate would be in favor of
refusing to allow а Communist to speak
publicly, that more than half the elec-

ing office even if he were elected fairly,
and that 58 percent would even bar
Communists from political candidacy in
this counury.

A survey conducted. by University of
California professors discovered that on
a “totalitarian” scale, 33.8 percent of the
general electorate sounded happily fa-
scistic. The method of the survey was to
present to the sampled voters a series of

statements and ask if they agreed. Here
are some of the results:

“The jority has the right to abolish
minorities if it wants to"; 28.4 percent
agreed.

“We might as well make up our
minds that in order to make the world
better a lot of innocent people will have
to suffer"; 41.6 percent agreement.

"I don't mind a politician's methods,
if he manages to get the right things
done"; 49.1 percent agreement.

“The true American way of life is dis-
appearing so fast that we may have to
use lore to save it"; 346 percent
approval.

"Almost any unfairness or brutality

may have to be justified when some
great purpose is being carried ош”; 32.8
percent agreeme

“Н Congressional committees stuck

strictly to the rules and gave every wi
ness his rights, they would never suc-
ceed in exposing the many dangerous
subversives they have turned up"; 47.4
percent agreed,

When the question is a high-flying
cliché of democracy, the general elector-
ate can really wring its heart, but it col-
lapses when the principle of fair play
and constitutional law is applied in the
particular case. To the statement “No
matter what a person's. political beliefs
are, he is entitled to the same legal
rights and protections as anyone else,"
94.3 percent of the gencral electorate
agreed: yet 69 percent of these same
people turned around and agreed with
the statements "Any person who hides
behind the laws when he is questioned
about his activities doesn’t deserve
much consideration" and "If someone is
suspected of treason or other serious
crimes, he shouldn't be entitled to be let
out on bail" And while 81 percent of
the general electorate agreed with the
broad concept of freedom of the press
("Nobody has a right to tell another
person what he should and should not
read"), more than half of these same
people changed their minds when the
statement was reworded to a particu
application ("A book that contains wrong
political views cannot be a good book
and does not deserve to be published’

Herbert McClosky, the professor who
put the study together, was hardly
being pessimistic when he concluded,
“The findings furnish little comfort for
those who wish to believe that a passion
for freedom, tolerance, justice and other
democratic values springs spontaneously
from the lower depths of the socicty, and
that the plain, homespun, uninitiated
yeoman, worker and farmer are the natu-
ral hosts of democratic ideology. . . .

It is not difficult to imagine the sort of
clobbering the electorate would deliver
to freedom of speech if the voting but-
ton were pushed according to a Louis
Harris poll that showed that 53 percent
of the public agrees with the position

taken by General Lewis Hershey, head of
the Selective Service, that students who
impede campus recruitment. should be
drafted (a doctrine that is in disrepute
with the U.S. Department of Justice and
which the courts have struck down).

Many in Congress, of course,
along with the passionate electorate in
such matters. Lawrence Speiser, head of
the Washington office of the American
Civil Liberties Union, says that “hun-
dreds of bills” are introduced every
session of Congress to undo the civil-
libertarian decisions of the U. S. Supreme
Court. Most of these bills contract a fatal
dosc of Congressional torpor. Right now,
Senator James Eastland of Mississippi,
man of the Senate Judiciary Com-
e push-
ing legislation that would overturn every
Supreme Court decision relating to inter-
nal security; Senator Everett Dirksen
and a sizable (but uncounted) following
Congress are attempting to overturn
thc Court's decision outlawing a pre-
scribed prayer for public school children.
And Speiser, who speaks the fears of
many A-C L U. officials, is convinced
that if the issues were left to the general
clectorate, Eastland and Dirksen and
their likeminded associates would have
their way at once.

Likewise, if it were left to the elector-
ate, the militarists would be freed from
the restraints that already seem very

go

loose, indeed. When the military-appro-
priations bill is up, usually no more than
three members of the House and no
more than half a dozen members of the
Senate will vote against it. Seldom is a
mean word said in cither house about
the seemingly endless suction of the
Pentagon on the Federal budget. Yet
these few complaints arc, by ratio, much
greater than those the public lodges, for
the reason that (as Dr. Arthur Burns,
former chairman of the President's
Council of Economic Advisors, recently
pointed ont) "rhe mili
plex has acquired a constituency includ-
ing factoryworkers, clerks, secretaries,
even grocers and barbers.” They are
afraid that a slump in the war will affect
their income, And weak as it is, it was
the voice of dissent within Congress, not
the publics voice, that persuaded the
Administration periodically to try а
bombing pause in the Victnam war.
Whenever President Johnson pulled back
the bombers cver so slightly, the polls
showed his popularity skidding critical-
ly; when he sent the bombers back in
with heavier loads, his popularity shot
up again. And by early 1968, when the
Congressional builders of the Great So-
ciety publicly lamented the destruction
of their social programs by the drain of
the war budget, still the electorate
urged Congress—by a ratio of 59 to 80,
Harris poll—to pursue the Vietnam dis-

aster, even if it meant forgetting the
tragedy of the slums.

At the height of the gun-control de-
bate that shook the nation after Senator
Robert Kennedy's assassination, polls
regularly showed that more than 80 per-
cent of the electorate favored stiff rc-
strictions on the sale and ownership of
firearms; but Congress ignored the ad-
vice, just as Congress has ignored, for
more than 30 years, the public's regular
demands for universal medical insur-
ance. Though the public hoots and jecrs
and complains of such boondoggle le
lation as building a canal across Flor-
ida, Congress gocs right on robbing the
Treasury for favorite contractors and
shippers and land speculators. These
men call themselves Burkean conserva.
tives, but that is just a philosophical
excuse for not listening to the voters.
Nevertheless, when one considers the
alternative—that the electorate actually
govern—then the obstinacy and thick-
ness of Congress seems no more than
beautiful proof that democracy is the
most satisfying, if not the most efficient,
form of government, in that just about
every voter considers himself smarter
than the men he has elected to run the
country. On the average, it is probably
all the satisfaction he deserves.

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PLAYBOY

178

PLAYBOY FORUM

"curse and abuse." Wc were not in-
formed of our rights. were not permitted
to make a phone call and were told by
the eis that our hair was to be cut. I
asked them not to, explaining that long
hair is an occupational necessity for a
young musician. They said it was “the
judge's orders" and proceeded to shave
my friend and me. I put up no resist-
ance, but my friend, who struggled, was
held by two jailers while onc hit him in
the head and in ihe stomach. They then
handcuffed him and shaved his head,
After that, they let us use the phone.
When our fathers came to get us out of
jail. on $500 bond, we learned that the
ges against us had been changed to
“trespassing.”

We lost the case, paid heavy fines and
have been out of work ever since.

How and when will this kind of thing
be stopped?

Tommy Wyatt
Opp, Alabama

(continued from page 72)

INTERRUPTED VOYAGE

Regarding sociolegist Howard S. Beck-
ers opinion that psychedelic drugs do
not cuse psychoses but only unusual
perceptions that some psychiatrists call
psychoses (The Playboy Forum, July),
I found it very refreshing to hear an en-
lightened viewpoint from a gentleman of
the establishment. Once, while under the
influence of LSD, а male acquaintance
dropped a tab of STP into my Coke with-
out my knowledge. I wandered around
the city for a few days in а sometimes

cautiful, sometimes conlused state of
mind, exploring inn се and inner
time. The trouble began when I found
myself in the hospital. I was led into the
acute ward, the door was locked behind
me and I was told to “Follow the lady
down the hall—she'll show you where the
showers are.” It wasn't the showers I
found but, rather, a room approximately
G^ x 11’ with only а hard, gray pad on
the floor. After much struggling, two

“I don't have any etchings, but I have
some great pornography."

doctors and а nurse forcefully succeeded
in changing my clothing to huge, gray
pajamas that were held on with a thick
cord. The door was locked and I was
left alone for a few days, except for occa-
sional visits by the nurses—they brought
me aud in cardboard. doglike bowls and
I was told to cat it.

Alter а few days, I was moved into a
room with some other girls. It was a
more peaceful, except for the times dur-
ing the night when I was awakened by
a flashlight shining in my
became used to the place and was just
about finding myself when the surprises
began. The first ordeal was ап interroga-
tion by a number of doctors who were

terested in my thoughts on drugs.
a the electric tests began—so many
ins were stuck into my head that 1 be
to feel like a pincushion. Little did I
realize then that the worst was yer to
come. One day 1 was awakened at six
asked not to brush my teeth nor to
ik any water and told not to get
dressed but to sit in the "liv

my nan
alked to a curtain that had been hung
in the front of the room. A man grabbed
me and told me to lie on the table. The
straps were hooked, J felt something on
my head and the machine was turned
on, My doctor, the only sensitive person
1 had discovered in the place, held my
hand and told me to raise my arm—and
keep it raised. But 1 couldn't—the elec-
tricity surging through my body was
too much to bear. The ten faces around
me blurred—I heard somcone shout
ve her oxyger
1 passed out. Alter undergoing ti
rible nightmare ten or fifteen. tim

few seconds,
hor-

was electroshock therapy—which many
psychiatrists, such as Robert I
‘Thomas Szasz and Wilhelm Reich,
roundly condemned but which is st
use in many mental institutions.

І am functioning
ally again. 1 am now
id. I feel very lucky that
my mind is as sharp аз it used to be.
For this. I thank God, not the hos
that almost drove me mad.

As Dr. Becker says, drug users are
much better equipped to rescue thi
fellow voyagers from doubt and confu-
sion than is the average psychiatrist.

(Name withheld by request)
San F i ога

and thinking пот
able to work

PSYCHIATRIC WITCH HUNTING

Sociologist. Howard 5. Becker's com-
ment that LSD rippers are often inac-
curately diagnosed as psychotics and, as
а result, locked up (The Playboy Fo
rum, July) only scratches the surface of
an important civilliberties problem in
America today. As the mental-health
movement has grown, the increasing

number of psychiatrists has included a
proportionate number of incompetents
so lacking in insight and real knowledge
of their own science that they are likely
to pronounce as insane anyone who
departs from their own narrow and con-
formist personalities. For instance, in the
past four years, 1 have become acquainted
with four cases that have filled me with
The first concerned a homosexual
in Dayton, Ohio, who was committed го
a mental hospital by his parents when
they discovered his sexual “deviation.”
‘The man is coherent, self-supporting and
nonviolent, but a psychiatrist was willing
to sign the papers that would lock him
up. The second was a girl in Columbus,
Ohio, who was committed by her politi-

cally right-wing father after she became
involved in the stop-the-war movement.
"The third case was a pacifist in Cl

who has been put in mental hospi
the police no fewer than three times be-
cause he goes limp and refuses to coop-
erate when arrested; he is one of the
most brilliant people I have ever met
and а poet of great talent. Fourth, and
saddest of 20-year-old girl in
New York who was railrouded into the
madho ents and by a co
y . who adduced as
the only proof of her mental illness the
fact that she continued to live with her
boyfriend after repeated attempts to per-
suade her that thi

Freud was one of the great liberators
of m 41. but too many of his follow-
America today are nothing more
a witch hunters, who lock up people
(sometimes for life) when no crime can
be proved against them, except what
George Orwell called

individuality.

ne

PSYCHIATRIC INJUSTICE

A letter writer in the July Playboy
Forum relates a particularly revolting
example of the persecu
today in the n of “mental health’
when a psychiatrist serves not to help
people but to pass judgments on them
for third parties. [ have had a similar
experience. One fall. 1 accepted a po-
teaching English at an по
university that requires that all new
ulty members submit to a so-called
physical examination." The rules stipu-
late that anyone who fails the examin
tion is automatic
of employment. Believing that it was
truly a physical examination, 1 was there-
fore foolish enough to make some indis-
creet admissions and flippant jests that
caused the examining doctor to sus-
pect emotional instability and to refuse
cle: After. further. consultati
was told that I could obt
only if I submitted to a
evaluation,

ns that occur

nee.

“psychiatric
and the case was referred

“And then, of course, it’s a deer rifle, so in a pinch
you could always shoot deer.”

to the school psychiatric consultant. At
the age of 26, [ was subjected to such
questions as the following: Why are you
a bachelor? Do you plan to get married
soon? Have you ever had an al
Have you ever committed the sexual act
h a woman? Have you had sexual
ts with men? Do you still have
nocturnal emissions? Do you still mas-
turbare? The inquisition lasted about 90
minutes and touched on many topics,
none of them rele to my compe:
tence to teach English. The doctor then
told me that I would have to return for
a second tcrview before he could
make a decision. When 1 stated in exas-
peration that all I wanted to do w
teach English and make a living, he dis-
missed me with the words: Well, 1
want to practice psychiatry.” Three days
before the appointed time of the second
interview, I was told that I would have
to pay for it myself. Since the outcome
was doubtful and my finances limited, I
declined to reappear. 1 am now cm-
ployed elsewhere.

Psychiatrists should be required by

law, as Dr. Thomas Szasz suggests, to
follow standard medical ethics and to
practice their science only on patients
who come to them voluntarily. They
should never be allowed to ісі
with law-abiding individuals who don't
feel sick and who don't ask for treat-
ment. If psychiatrists won't abide by
standard medical ethics, they are not
scientists but. inquisitors.
(Name and address
withheld by request)

BEHAVIOR THERAPY

I was very interested in the letter
about behavior therapy from psychol-
ogist David Barlow (The Playboy Fo-
rum, August). Your previous reference
to this form of treatment for personali
disorders, the letter from Dr. Gerald С
Davison (The Playboy Forum, April
1967), concerned a sadist who was con-
verted to more wholesome sexuality by
the use of negative conditioning during
his usual sadistic fantasies, combined
with positive conditioning during spe-
cally induced healthy fantasies inspired

179

PLAYBOY

by your Playmate pictures. How is Dr
Davison's patient doing these days? Did
the therapy effect a permanent reversal
of the undesired symptoms?

As a homosexual who would be het-
erosexual “if I had my druthers," this is
а rather important subject то me. Is be-
havior therapy effective for this problem?

(Name withheld by request)
Cincinnati. Ohio

In answer to your first question, Dr.
Davison informs us that his ex-palient is
doing fine, despite a rather ill-advised
experiment he tried six months after
leaving therapy, in which he deliberate-
ly induced a relapse and then cured
himself by the same conditioning tech-
niques that Davison had used. Advised
not to iry such experiments again, the
patient is now leading a normal life and
no longer suffers from sadistic fantasies
nor from the paralyzing shyness that had
prevented him from dating girls.

Behavior therapy has been employed
successfully on patients with a vartely of
ual problems, including premature
ejaculation, impotence, frigidity, trans-
vestism, voyeurism, exhibitionism—and

sen

Edward Dengrove has
pointed out thal there are two types of
homosexuals encountered in therapy,
the “hard-core homosexual” and the
“pseudohomosexual.” The sexual prej-
erence of the former, Dr. Dengyove
writes, “is probably based upon а
process akin to imprinting in the early
years.” (Imprinting is a form of condi
tioning that occurs in infancy and is
virtually. irreversible.) Thus, the hard-
core homosexual docs not regard his
sexual orientation as an illness; it is an
intrinsic part of his self-image. He
comes inta therapy only “if he has been
arrested and offered the choice of jail or
therapy; or if he is married and his wife
insists on it; or if there is another prob-
lem superimposed upon his homosexual-
ity, such as a phobic condition.” In such
cases, only the most powerful forms of
aversive therapy are useful, such as con-
ditioning the patient to identify his
homosexuality with such unpleasant єх
periences as electroshock or apomorphine
(a drug that produces acute nausea). “Re-
sults have been equivocal, with some
successes and some failures,” Dengrove
writes,

The pseudohomosexual, on the other
hand, “voluntarily presents himself for
treatment.” He feels his sexual orienta-
tion as п pathology or “foreign body"
that he wishes removed; in your words,
he would be heterosexual “if he had his
druthers.” According to Dengrove, it is
this type “who is most amenable to
change” by the kind of simple condi-
tioning therapy utilized by Dr. Davison.
Heterosexuality is reinforced by appro
priate stimuli, such as pictures of pretty

180 girls, and homosexuality is countercondi-

tioned through mental associations rath-
er than violent physical techniques.

CONSENSUAL SODOMY

l read with great interest the July
Playboy Forum leucr about the trial
and conviction of Charles O. Cotner in a
сазе of consensual marital sodomy in
Indiana. The case was also described in
Time magazine, giving the Playboy Foun-
dation credit for helping free Mr. Cotner.
As a registered lobbyist in the Dela-
rc House of Representatives, repre-
senting the Homosexual Law Reform
Society, І argued this past session that
the state sodomy statute violated the
Mth Amendment's prohibition of state
laws abridging the right of privacy.

A new criminal code was introduced
in the Delaware legislature, but it did
Not get out of commitiee, as there were
so many sections of the proposed code
that were objectionable to a great many
vested. interests. One of the writers of
the new code argued that wire tapping
was a of the right of privacy
and of the Ith Amendment, but he
insisted that consensual sodomy be in-
cluded as a crime under the new cod
The inconsistency of this provision was
demonstrated by its removing sodomy
between male and female from the
code but making sodomy between two
males ог two females a crime. I feel that
this law would also be in violation of the
Civil Rights Act of 1964, being discrimi-
natory because of sex.

The legislature has now adjourned
and this code is dead until next year, at
which time I will resume my work for
the revision of these unjust laws. L hope
that the Playboy Foundation will keep
up its good work and continue to enter
into controversies in other states to help
people who have been caught in the
web of legal entanglements.
mes R. Vane
aware

CRIMES WITHOUT VICTIMS

You will be interested to know that 1
recently ran for the office of district at-
torney in Los Angeles on a platform very
similar to that urged in The Playboy
Philosophy.

One major issue I raised was the
question of crimes without victims. Ca
fornia prohibits most sex acts, except
so-called normal intercourse between hus-
band and wife, and prohibits the use,
for pleasure, of any drugs or chemical
agents other than nicotine and alcohol

My campaign argued the case against
such laws from a practical viewpoint.

California has a system of criminal stat-
utes designed to rchabilitate the offender.
This does not mean coddling criminals.
It means changing antisocial behavior
patterns by a correctional program that
includes extensive use of probation and
parole procedures. The system works bad-
Jy, because it is grossly overloaded.

Real crime (violent crime that injures
people and property) is a problem that
causes the public increasing concern:
yet the public refuses to spend more
бах money for increased police, court
and correctional stall. "Therefore, ihe
only sensible approach is to find some
place to cut back. This is why we can
no longer afford the luxury of enforcing
statutes dealing with morals offenses and
other crimes by definition.

In Los Angeles County, 25 percent of
felony preliminary hearing time is de-
voted to cases of simple possession of
marijuana. This means that case loads
both in the courts and in corrections
could be reduced substantially if the
Taw ceased to discriminate between
those who prefer to smoke their intoxi
cants rather than drink them.

Further economies could be accom-
plished by ceasing the prosecution of all

ases between consenting
adults: cation, adultery, oral copu-
lation, sodomy and homosexual acts.

None of these things are of any legiti-
mate concern to anyone except the
people engaged in them. The same re:
soning applies to so-called obscenity and
pornography. since no one is forced to
buy or to rcad it.

As а candidate for Los Angeles district
attorney, 1 promised that if elected, 1
would simply cease prosecutions in
these areas, That is, of course, wit
the discretion of every prosecuting
official, He must always consider, on а
case-by-case basis, whether the prosecu
tion justifics the public expense involved.

I received 23 percent of the total vote
cast—nearly 500,000 votes. To my mind.
that was а victory, not a defeat, since
(1) this is the first time such a radical
program has been ollercd to the voters
of Los Angeles and (2) the incumbent
spent $80,000 on billboard advertising

lone, while my own campaign was
financed on a shoestring of only $8000
for all expenses, When both of these
tors arc considered, 1 believe I demon-
strated that the opinions expressed
PLAYBOY are not those of an insignific
minority but those of a large and grow
ng segment of the public.

Michael Hannon
Attorney at Law
Los Angeles, Ga

ornia

“The Playboy Forum" offers the oppor-
tunity for an extended dialog between
readers and editors of this publication
on subjects and issues raised in Hugh
M. Hefner's continuing editorial series,
“The Playboy Philosophy.” Four booklet
reprints of “The Playboy Philosophy,”
including installments 1-7, 8-12, 13-18
and 19-22, arc available at 50¢ per book-
let. Address all correspondence on both
“Philosophy” and “Forum” to: The
Playboy Forum, Playboy Building, 919 М.
Michigan Ave., Chicago, Illinois 60611.

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182

PSYCHOCHEMISTRY (continued from page 134)

of his animals that they could get a
food pellet by pressing a bar whenever
a light flashed; the other half, whenever
a click sounded. When they had thor-
oughly learned their lessons, he killed
them, extracted RNA from their brains
and injected the RNA into a new group
of rats and hamsters. Lo and behold, he
found that the new ani ls cited
with RNA from those trained to respond
to a light flash showed a significant
tendency to do the same thing. Those
who received RNA from the click group
showed a strong tendency to respond to
the click. This time, it appeared that
1сатпй had been transferred with a
hypodermic necdle.

"The implications of these experiments
are fantastic. They would scem to fore-
cast a day when the laborious process
of education could be short-cut; college
students would learn about atomic phys
io not by hitting their books but by
receiving injections of surplus RNA from
the brains of their instructors. The im-
mense learning of a man such as Ein-
stein could be preserved by feeding slices
of his brain to a selected group of
young scholars. But, alas, this whole area
of transfer of learning is currently sur-

rounded by doubt. Shortly after Dr.
Jacobson reported his findings, other
scientists tricd to duplicate his results
18 such experiments were set up and ай
18 Icd. The question now is whether
he did something wrong or the other
experimenters did. and an attempt to
find the answer is being made in many
laboratories across the nation. Some of
the сапу results lock promising for
uansfer of uaining, and one scientist
who took part in the I8 experiments
that apptared to prove Dr. Jacobson
wrong has now changed his mind. But
other results have thus. been incon-
dusive or flatly negative. At the moment,
it appears to be the majo
ong scientists that transfer of learn-
ing is impossible and the RNA theory
‘of memory, dubious.

If not the RNA inside the nerve cell,
then what about the myriad switching
points inside the bı As everyone
who has taken a freshman psychology
course knows, cach nerve fiber ends in
branches that form connections called
synapses with other nerve fibers. The
nervous impulse, though it is a tiny elec
al charge, cannot leap like a spark
of electricity across a synapse. Instead, it

can only trigger the release of a chem-
ical that may or may not stimulate the
next nerve to fire. Could it be that
efficiency at getting a message through
the synapses is the reason one person is
brighter than another?

Under the electromicroscope, it would
not seem so, for all synapses look re-
markably similar. There seems to be no

in the dullard or, for that matter, th:
the monkey. On the other hand, it is
known that learning can cause a nerve
cell to grow, like a tree proliferating its
roots and branches, and form additional
synapses with other nerve cells from
which it bad previously been isolated
(just as the tree taps new sources of
food and light). At the same time, other
changes take place that may act as a
sort of soldering of connections at the
synapses.

Some quite remarkable results have
been reported by Dr. David Krech, a
psychologist at the University of Califor-
nia at Berkeley, who had the ingenuity
to undertake what he has called a Head.
Start program for young rats. He placed
the rats together in a special cage,
where they could react not only to one
another but also to all kinds of “er
playthings,” such as Ladders to climb
and whecls to turn; at the same time,
they could watch all the sights and hear
all the sounds of a bustling human labo-
ratory. Simultaneously, he sed their
twins in solitary confinement, in quiet
and dimly lit cages, where they got no
intellectual stimulation at all. The Head
Start rats proved much smarter at solv-
ing rattype problems than did their
twins, and post-mortem ех
their brains showed some
differences. The cortex—the highest or
“thi ' part of the brain—was much
better developed. The nerve cells were
bigger; there were more glial cells and
larger blood vessels. Moreover, the cortex
contained more of the enzyme (called
acetylcholineesterase) that acts to t
fer the nerve impulse across the synapse.

In thinking of a "smart pill" thar
would improve human intelligence, per-
haps it docs not matter whether th
feedback circuit depends on RNA, the
synapses or something as yer unimag-
ined. One scientist who has speculated
on this point is Dr. John Eric Holmes, a
physiology professor at the University of
Southern California Medic: School.
whose learning experiments have even
included an unsuccessful
teach the mimosa to fold
response to light and darkness as well as
10 touch. Says Dr. Holmes, "Whether
RNA is the key or a blind alley, it still
should be possible to increase an in-
di: Al's learning abilit: Indeed, the
world already possesses a smart pill that
has worked, for reasons unknown, on
mice. As Dr. James 1. McGaugh has

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PLAYBOY

found at the University of California
at Riverside, injections of such роже
ful central-nervoussystem. stimulants as
suychnine or Metrazol can greatly im-
prove the ability of а mouse to learn a
maze. The elfect seems to be more pro-
nounced for dull mice than for smart
mice, possibly indicating that the ideal
smart pill, when it is discovered, will do
more for the mentally retarded than for
those who are already near the biolog
limit of human performance. At least
two drug companies are known to have
been testing such a pill for human be-
ings, composed of chemicals much less
lethal than strychnine but nonetheless
promising.

Just as it has been found possible to
stimulate learning in lower animals, so
has it been found possible to stop learn-
ing. Dr. Murray Jarvik, at the Albert
Einstein Medical School in New York
City, has experimented with rats placed
on a small platform above the floor of
a cage. The rat's natural tendency is to
very quickly step down from the plat-
form. If it gets a painful electrical shock
from the floor, however, it learns right
then and there to stay on the platform;
the next time, it will remain there with-
out budging for as long as the experi
menter cares to wait. What Dr. Jarvik
has donc is to teach a rat to expect the
shock, then quickly disrupt its brain
chemistry by using a sort of electroshock
treatment. The next time the rat is
placed on the platform, instead of re-
membering its lesson, it steps right
dos as if it had never learned to ex
pect a shock. (Human beings who un-
dergo electroshock treatment also lose
their memory for recent events.

At the University of Michigan, Di
Bernard W. Agranoll has blotted out the
memories of goldfish by injecting them.
with puromycin, an antibiotic drug that
interferes with the ability of RNA to
perform its normal function of synthesiz-
ing new protein materials inside the cell.
He teaches the goldfish to avoid an clec-
tric shock by swimming across a barrier
to the unlighted end of its tank, he
then immediately injects puromycin into
the fish's skull, all memory of the train-
ing vanishes. Oddly enough, сусп a
“stupid pill,” such as puromycin seems
to be, might have value to human
beings. As Dr, Krech has pointed out, a
drug of this type might boost the learn-

ng ability of а person who remembers
so many details as to get hopelessly
bogged down at the task of sorting out
what is esseni

In functional terms,
gence or learning ty seems to de-
pend on three quite dificrent sl
First, one must be able to pay attention,
to concentrate, to get the message or, in
the words of Dr. Sidney Cohen of the
UCLA Medical School, to "comb down

human intelli.

ls.

184 on the problem.” Next, one’s brain must

lay down some sort of lasting memory
trace, perhaps in the form of changed
RNA molecules, perhaps in the form
of proteins manufactured under the
direction of RNA, perhaps in chemical
changes at the synapses, perhaps in

some other way. Lastly, one must have

a retrieval system, a method of scanning
the memory traces and focusing on the
right one. “All three processes," says Dr.
Cohen, "could possibly be improved
chemically; so I see no reason chemicals
couldn't be contrived that would im-
prove our thinking abilities” The smart
pill may be not just one pill but several,
to influence the various processes ir
volved in learning. The drugs may wor
best, as Dr. Krech’s studies would indi-
cate and as Dr. Cohen also belicves, i
conjunction with improved psychologi-

methods of training and disciplining
that wonderful and as-yet-unrealized in-
strument called the human mind. But
they seem to be merely waiting for a
discoverer.

Like intelligence, sleep is another of
nature's great mysteries. We need ѕісер;
many of us need eight hours; we must
spend a full third of our lives in this
state of unconsciousness. But why? At
one time й was thought that the waste
products of normal activity accumulated

п the blood stream and eventually
drugged the brain; while the body was
ar rest during sleep, these waste prod-
ucts were then eliminated. But studies
of Siamese twins, who share a common
blood stream, have disproved this theo-
гу; scientists have observed one Siamese
baby sound asleep while the other re-
mained wide awake. Now, sleep has
been traced to two centers in the brain.
If one of these centers is removed from
n animal, it will sleep constantly. If the
other is removed, it will not sleep at all
—but eventually, proving that sleep is a
biological necessity, it will go into a coma
and die, as if from utter exhaustion,

Brain waves change during sleep;
indeed, electroencephalograph studies of
human beings have shown four recog-
ble patterns of waves that seem to
ate four stages of sleep, ranging
from light to very deep. Obviously,
something goes on during sleep, certain-
ly in the brain and possibly elsewhere;
this something is essential to good
health and even to staying alive, But
why this should bc is unknown. Dr. Na-
than Kline, one of the researchers who
have been fascinated by the problem,
speculates that at the beginning of man-
d's history, perhaps not all men
needed to sleep. But man's nighttime
vision is poor; а man who wandered
around through the darkness would
have been subject to accident and [;
ame for beasts of prey. Thus, evoluti
favored those men who, for some rca-

son, were forced by the requirements of
their own brains and bodies to spend
the hours of darkness in a state of sus-
pended animation and
spot. If Dr. KI
we sleep today, though there is по long:
er any evolutionary need for it, because
only those of our ancestors who required
sleep managed to survive and pass along
their trait. Dr. Kline has also pointed
out that the old Mogul emperors,
contrast 10 most morc-or-lessmoder
human bcings, arc said to have got along
just fine on no more than threc-and-a
half hours’ sleep a night. Was this also
an inherited trait, passed along by some
strange evolutionary accident? Or did the
Mogul emperors have a drug?

Some drugs have already been found
to reduce the need for sleep; patients
who go on the antidepressants often find
themselves, like the Mogul emperors,
getting along on three to four hours’ for
as long as they take the medicine
(These medicines are usually prescribed
for only brief periods; what would hap-
pen to the patients if they continued to
sleep so little is not known.) At any
rate, there seems scant doubt that the
mystery will eventually be solved. Says
Dr. L. R. Hines, director of biologi
research for the Hoffmann-La Roche
company, "There's unquestionably
al explanation for slecp and
someday somebody will find it.” Will this
mean that we will then simply swallow a
pill when tired, instead of going to bed?
Conceivably, it will mean exactly that

If science can promise us a pill that
will end the necd for sleep, then why
not something that is really far out?
Why should science not bring true the
ancient dream of a Fountain of Youth.
und give us some magic elixir that will
Keep us young and active to an age de-
nied to previous generations? Why not,
indeed? One scientist who believes the
dream may be within grasp is Dr. Den-
ham Harman of the University of Ne-
braska Medical School, who has already
had considerable success in lengthening
the Шс expectancy of his laboratory
mice. Dr. Harman's secret is hardly a
secret at all; it is nothing more than a
well-known chemical called BHT, com.
monly used to prevent spoilage of the
fats and oils in potato chips and bottled
salad dressings. When Dr. Harm fed
his mice a special diet including BHT,
they lived 50 percent longer on the av-
ставе than other mice of the same breed
—presumably because the BHT slowed
down some of the chemical reactions
inside the body that cause aging and
eventually death. He has not yet had
much luck at increasing the maximum
age to which the hardiest of hi:
live; in human terms, he has helped

uM ? Ni iun

“1 got my man while he was getting his woman.”

PLAYBOY

186

morc of his mice live to 80, rather than
pushed the maximum age to 120. More-
over, a good deal of additional resting
must be done before anyone would rec-
ommend for the human race a daily
dose of BHT or something similar. But
Dr. Harman is convinced that ап in-
crease in the human life span, through.
dict and the addition of chemicals, is
almost sure to come.

Dr. Harman's predictions, of course,
raise an interesting philosophical prob-
lem. It has long been accepted that the
bencfis of science and medicine should
belong to everyone. But suppose the
day actually arrives when science has a
pill that will lengthen the human life
span. Should everyone have it—the mo-
von as well as the genius, the criminal as
well as the philanthropist? Would a Re-
publican Government iry to limit it to
Republicans and a Democratic Govern-
ment to Democrats? At this time, when
overpopulation threatens man’s future,
should anybody at all be entitled to the
pill?

‘The antisleep pill would also intro-
duce some tricky new problems into hu-
man affairs. Social scientists are already
worried about the new age of leisure
that is being spawned by automation;
they wonder how man will ever manage
to fill his time. How would he occupy
himself if he suddenly found his waking
hours, thanks to an antisleep pill, in-
creased by one half? As for the smart
pill and the stupid pill, if these are per
fecied, who will decide who gets whi
If the smart pill creates a world
which everyone is equally bright, will
man be happier, or will his affairs grind
to а halt?

di

ven today's drugs have already creat-
ed problems—for example, the tranquil-

izers. When a tranquilizing drug is given
то à mental-hospital patient who would
otherwise murder the attendants or beat
his own head bloody against a wall, there
seems to be no moral issue involved. But
what if the same tr er, or one of
i е doses by an
ordinary, everyday, morcorless-normal
person who is not about to do himself or
others any harm, is getting along all right
at his job, has no burning personal con-
flicts and merely likes the relaxed and
easygoing feeling that the medicine pro-
duces, just аз he might like to take a cod
l or two before dinner?

In this early stage of the pharmaco-
logical revolution, there already arc mil-
lions of people in the U.S. who are on
some kind of behavior-controlling drug.
Physicians write more prescriptions for
various kinds of tranquilizers, antidepres-
sanis, sleeping pills and pep pills than
for medicines to combat pain or heart
discase; about a third of all new pre-
scriptions written this week by doctors
across the nation will be of this type.
(So great is the demand that the doctor
has 10 write the prescription, whether he
believes the patient needs the drug or
not, else he loses the patient to another
doctor.) In some circles, especially among
businessmen

nd middle and upper-class
housewives, pills to calm јіцету nerves or
work done are a

At

to help get the day
chief topic of socii
parties, people exchange pills like ve
or golfing tips: "Here, try one of
“This pill has made a new man of me;
take one and sec.” “My pills don't seem
10 be working anymore; let me have one
of. yours.

The thought of

conversation.

all this is already
working as a sort of antislep pill for
1escuchers in the drug field; wonying

about it causes them many a restless

“... And if the verdict is ‘not guilty; I'm sure
Miss Lane will want to thank each of you personally.”

night. In the first place, all known drugs
have side effects; even the common as

potent than aspirin. Some of them cause
temporary sexual impotence; some of
them create muscular pain or spasms so
severe that a doctor who did not know
the cause might well be inclined to per
form surgery. Some drugs are dangerous
when taken along with alcohol or sleep-
np оте will shoot blood pressure
to alarming heights when taken along
with even such a common food as
cheese. Some are addicting and some, if
improperly used, can actually kill the
patient. Thus, the indiscr
around of pills is the most r
self medication. “The potential hazards,"
says Dr. Sherwyn Woods, "are really
horrendous.

Besides the physical dangers, there
are also moral dangers; this is especially
nt today in the case of the tran-
"Who's to say," asks Dr.
the appropriate level of
tranquillity is? Certainly, we know that
too much of it interferes with motivation
and creativity. In Га 1 of prob-
lem solving i got man
where he is tod
mostly by a lack of trar
Cohen says, “I'm not

Dr.

ig to the patient: I cz
ny d of anxiety frec,
conflictfree, challengefiee society that
would be a worthy society. Muscles
atrophy when they have nothing to work

i ad so does the mind.” And one

t to sec, in a world
5 ours, is everyone
round so completely tranquil
as to be oblivious to all the defects.”
To most of the experts, the thought of
an antiaggression drug. as suggested by
Dr. Lehmann, or of the mony drug"
suggested by Arthur Koestler, is one of
the great hopes of the pharmacological
age. “It would be wonderful," says Dr
Cohen, “if we could control criminality,
violence and cruelty. And it certainly
seems possible that we can find a calm-
ing agent, rather than a tranquilizer,
that will reduce man's hostilities without
taking the edge oll awareness and
enjoyment of life.” Yet even here there
are conceivable dangers. If everyone in
the U.S. were taking a calming pill and
harboring not a single harsh thought to-
ward anyone, our nation might be at the
mercy of another agpression-bound m
tion that chose to ban the pill. e the
Industrial Revolution and the discovery
of atomic energy, the pharmacological
revolution its hazards. We will have
to learn to live with them, for the effects
of the revolution are here to sta

scrutable japanese fare

(continued from page 154)
Cut Chinese cabbage crosswise into
(in-thick slices. Pour boiling water
over it and drain well Combine cab-
bage and scallions in mixing bowl. Cut
green pepper in half lengthwise; remove
stem end and seeds. Force pepper and
radishes through coarse holes of squarc
metal grater and add to cabbage. Add
vinegar, soy sauce and monosodium glu-
tamate and toss well. Place a piece of
waxed paper or a plate over salad and
press down firmly. Place a weight, such
as two or three cans of food, on the pa-
per. Let mixture marinate at least 1
hour before serving.

y

SESAME DIPPING SAUCE,

DINING
2 tablespoons sesame seeds . COCKTAILS

1 cup cold water SMOKING

М cup soy sauce

М cup shelled walnuts

Put sesame seeds in a heavy dry pan
over a moderate flame. Stir constantly BREATH FRESHENER
until seeds turn light brown. Remove 5
from heat and combine with balance of
ingredients in blender. Blend 1 minute
at high speed. Chill before serving. Pour
a small cup of sauce for cach guest.

SCALLION DIPPING SAUCE

1 cup dashi or soup stock
14 cup soy sa
2 tablespoons sake
1 teaspoon lemon juice
1 teaspoon freshly grated ginger
3 tablespoons finely minced sca
The Japanese basic stock called dashi
is normally made from dried konbu or
seaweed and dried bonito. Since the
main ingredients are dehydrated to start
with, they lend themselves perfectly to
packaging in paper bags now exported
to the U.S. The bags are used in the
same manner as tea bags. For those who
prefer a nonfish flavor, chicken stock or
any other stock may be substituted.
Pour all ingredients into saucepan
and bring to a boil. Remove at once
from fire and chill well. Pour a small cup
of sauce for each guest.

се

lions

AHEAD

CHICKEN YAKITORI
3 double breasts of chicken (6 halves) WITH THE
4 large scallions
3 tablespoons soy sauce FASHIONABLES
2 tablespoons cold water
2 tablespoons sake
4 teaspoons sugar "n x Ly "Brazil"
П Guibssen лыр fie and that step is on air in the superb sophistication of the "Brazil" — a
stem TET uniquely handsome combination of genuine lizard and a fine imported
2 tablespoons salad ої calfskin especially tanned and toned for Stetson. In
1 tablespoon sesame oil black, green, and peanut brittle. You'll find the
Remove skin and. bones from chicken "Brazil" and other Stetsons, precisely right for every
or buy boneless breasts. Cut chicken occasion and fashion feeling, from $38, to $150. at

better stores. All inimitably crafted of course.

into pieces approximately 1 in. square.

Cut off and discard green part of Stetson Shoe Company, South Weymouth, Massachusetts 02190.
lions, Cut white part diagonally into 187

PLAYBOY

188

edico 2'4'
filters doit

give pleasure and peace of mind

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lin. pieces. Combine all other ingredi-
ents in mixing bowl. Add chicken and
scallions and marinate 1 hour. Fasten
ons on long skewers
Broil over hibachi about 4 ins. above
charcoal or in preheated broiler until
well browned on all sides. Brush several
times during broiling with marinade.
Serve with either or both of the salads
nd dipping sauces above. Pass a bowl
of rice.

sm

MP TEMPURA

3 105 shrimps

1 small eggplant

1 large green pepper
1

2

large Spanish onion
5 watercress
white mushrooms

fried foods, tempura is
at its best when it’s hissing hot; the
guests should wait rather than the tem-

pura. One device for party service is to
hire a domestic geisha who will fry and
deliver it in batches. Another technique,

in а large open kitch ng area, is to
sit atop а kitchen or bar stool at a
counter, facing your guests, and fry a
limited amount of tempura at a time,
letting guests who wish try their hand at
the skillet. At the dinner hour, tempui
js usually served with rice; for a late.
night supper, it may be presented as a
leisurely hot hors d'oeuvre,

Peel shrimps, leaving tails on. Remove
veins in backs and cut shrimps length-
wise, without separating halves. Press
cach shrimp to make it open flat. P
eggplant and cut into бире
strips. Cut green pepper into long s

crosswise Va
rate slices to make onion rir

about I in. off base of watercress stems.
Cur mushrooms into slices about 14 in.
thick. АП vegetables should be dry and.
spread out on platters for easy handling.
Preheat oil to a depth of 11⁄4 ins. in an
electric skillet set at 850°. Use two pair
of tongs or chopsticks, one for dipping
food into batter and lowering into fat, a.
second for removing tempura from fat.
Dip pieces of foad into
below). Hold for а moment to let excess
batter flow off. Slide food into skillet,
being careful not 10 drop it so that fat
spatters. Fry small amounts at a time.
until light brown on both sides. Drain
on absorbent paper or rack. Serve as
soon as possible, Remove stray pieces of
bauer from fat with skimmer or slotted
spoon. Serve with sauce below. Wash
tempura down with cold Japanese beer.

ter (recipe

BATTER FOR TEMPURA

1 cup all-purpose flour
14 teaspoon salt

1 cup ice water

2 egg whites

Sift flour and salt together. Beat water

nd egg whites in a large bowl until top
Add flour all at once and stir
only until Hour is moistened; the bat-
ter should be somewhat lumpy. Avoid
overmixing.

SAUCE FOR TEMPURA

1 cup cold dashi or other stock
М cup soy sauce
2 teaspoons sugar
1 tablespoon sake
% cup grated daikon or white radish
% cup grated fresh ginger
Dashi may be made from dashi bags.
e dashi with soy sauce, sugar
Pour into individual cups for
guest for dippi
inger for each gue:
в cup.
JA
4 Ibs. shell steak, 34 in. thick
2 Ibs. large shrimps, peeled and de-
veined
1 Ib. fresh bean sprouts or 1 1-b. can
bean sprouts, drained well
2 10-07. packages frozen large aspara-
us, thawed

poons e seeds, browned in
oven or toasted in dry pan
Soy sauce

Salt, pepper, monosodium gluta

2 mediumsize onions, sliced 14

ze mushrooms, sliced 14 in. thick
2 tablespoons butter
In Japanese steakhouses, the heavy

metal grill on which the steak. di
prepared is part of a Iu
with guests seated on the
chef working from the fowth. For
homesize rables, the best arrangement
is to set two electric skillets near the
dining table but not on it. АП food may
be precut in the kitchen before it is
brought to the skillets, or cut alongside
the skillets as part of the entertainment.
If bean sprouts are fresh, place in cold
water, bring to a boil and drain well.
Cut off all fat and bone from steaks and
cut into in. cubes. Shrimps should
be ne: MO 34-
in. cubes, Cur asparagus diagonally into
Lin, pieces. All food should be neatly
erranged on puteis before the cooking
commences. Preheat both skillets at
100°. Pour 1 to 2 tablespoo
first skillet, Place shrimps and
in skillet. Sprinkle with juice of 14 |
on and sesame seeds. Sprinkle with soy
sauce, salt, pepper and monosodium
glutamate. Sauté, turning food frequent.

three sides,

Uy lined in rows and cut

ly with long spatula, until shrimps are
cooked duough, about 3 10 4 minutes.
Asparagus will be semitender. Serve

shrimps and asparagus as (he initial
stanza of the dinner. Cut onion slices in
half. Pour 1 to 2 tablespoons oil into sec-
ond skillet. Place ste; mushrooms and

n skillet. Season generously with
auce, salt, pepper and monosodium
atc. Sauté, tossing frequently, un-
browned and glossy-looking, Add
€ steak on serving plates. In
‚ place bean sprouts and sauté
only heated through. Each person
should have a bowl of rice, one or both
of the dipping sauces above and one or
both of the salads.

SHABU SHABU

3 Ibs. boneless rib or shell of beef
4 large white mushrooms
X4 Ib. fresh bamboo shoots or 12-oz.
can bamboo shoots
2 os. finesize noodles or
miceli
1 medium-size Spanish onion
1 bunch watercress
loz cam wasibi powder
14 Ib. bean curd, cut into Lin. squares
1 medium size carrot, peeled, sliced. V
in. thick
2 cups Chinese cabbage, Vj-in. slices
Beef should be from the small end of
prime ribs, cut on а slicing machine, по
thicker than bacon. Cut mushrooms
through caps and stems into min-
thick slices. If bamboo shoots are fresh,
parboil 15 minutes and slice 14 in.
thick, or we canned sliced bamboo
shoots, well drained. Break noodles into
pieces about 3 in. long, boil until tende
nd store in cold water until needed.
Peel onion and cut in half through stem
end. Cut into slices 4 in. thick. Cut
bout 1 in. from bottom of watercress
stems. Prepare wasabi powder, follow-
ng directi use strong.
English or Chinese mustard; add. this to

green ver-

ns on с

no

auces. Provide cach guest

bowl of rice, with both of the
and

dipping sauces above h one or
both of the salads, Dr the noodle:
nge all ingredients on planers
e on table. Pour boiling water
g stock to a depth of 4 ins. in a
агре metal marmit pot or fondue pot
a table flame. If fondue pot
I, two may be used instead of onc.
The flame should be suong enough to
keep water a slow boil. Provide each
guest with a fondue fork or with chop.
sticks. Each guest turns one beet slice
time into a loose roll and immerses
in the boiling liquid u done. Beef
then dipped into a cool sauce. Some ol
the vegetables and bean curd may be
put in stock along with meat, or meat
may be caten first and хе bles
cooked afterward. Noodles are added at
end and entire contents of the pot
then turned into soup bowk. Replace
liquid in pot from time to time, if nec

y. to keep it close to original level.
used—

Of course, there's no
rule that says you have to
preceding dishes in а felicitous
Eastern manner; but if your acceso
complement. your cu
ing the proper note of pentatonic har
ony. Your will then come
through h the Occidental equivalent
of de gozaimashit

rable feast."

189

PLAYBOY

190

LIMESTONE CAVERNS (continued from page 114)

Reinhart excessively. She said she would
fly out the next day.

Mrs. Reinhart had not had to deal
with misbehavior in any of her children
in some years. Sara took her to the labo-
ratory and let her in alone. Reinhart
raised his head and said, "Hello, Mom-
ma,” as if he had expected her, and
resumed looking at the fish. Passionately
worried, she fell back on a method that
had always worked when he was younger
and at home—she recited his accomplish-
ments to him, relying on shame to do its
work. Falsely and frantically cheerful,
she asked him to remember how he

could read in the World Book at three,
how he ha

d won a prize in grade school
for having the best marks and—here she
gave a really dreadful little laugh—how.
he had been the best stickball player on
the block. The swimming medals at
camp followed—“all pure gold"—and led
to the culmination: He had been vale-
dictorian of his class at the High School
of Science.

It failed. Reinhart did not change his
position. He did not speak.

Mrs. Reinhart’s hands were moist with
fear. In desperation she said, "David, m
your mother.”

Reinhart moved one finger and pointed
10 the fish. “There is my mother—and

too shocked and bewildered
10 reply. She stared at him а moment,
patted his shoulder and went out into

"He must come [rom a very sophisticated monaster.

the corridor, where Sara was waiting.

At first Reinhart had not known what
he was doing, why he stared at the fish.
He was confused but happy. Later it
occurred to him that he was contemplat-
ing ihem. He knew nothing of contem-
plation except what he had heard at
evening parties. where it was linked
with LSD and Zen; but after some days,
he discovered that the contemplative's
mind is either full or empty. His was
full -he held the fish in a mental em-
brace so strong that the edges of his
mind seemed to waver like their fins and
tails in the tiny subaqucous currents of
their tank. At night, sitting relaxed in
his chair, with the living fish no longer
there to dazzle him, he attempted with
perhaps a relic of his scientific training
to describe them; but his descriptions
were not scientific, and in the part of his
mind where he knew he was neglecting
wife and carcer, he knew that, too.
Were they beautiful? He had no way of
determining that. They were simple, but
in a way nothing he had learned had
taught him to comprehend. One after-
noon, one of the fish had pressed its
head against the glass of the tank а few
inches from his nose. The blind socket
seemed to be trying to see him, as if,
sensitive to light. it were sen i

itive to him
as well, as if he were a light. Then he
felt a bond of Kinship flooding him like
his blood—they were not alien, the fish.
He felt they were teaching him some-

thing. Theirs was not a mindless immo-
bility flawed only by the movement of
the water. They contemplated an infinity
he was only beginning 10 be aware of.

They were, he now believed, superior
beings, Moving in darkness, supine in
light, they were innocent. They were
legless and armless. with only their
weak fins as instruments, while his hand
was the father of invention and in its
bones and tendons lay Rome, Germany
and other abominable crimes. And, in-
nocent, they lived in a vast unending
peace. Which he could achieve. Which
he, too. could achieve.

He was beginning to feel quite new.
like a leaf unfolding.

The first evening of
he cunc home to an
and for the first time
life, dinner was unserved. It was waiting.
Tor him in saucepans on the stove. He ate,
washed up the dishes and sat down in
his darkened living room with the fish in
his mind. He was mot surprised, how-
cver—he had almost foreseen it—when,
about nine o'clock, his wife and mother
returned and switched on the light.
They had brought three of his friends.
all psychiatrists, and the women went
into the bedroom so they could have a
free hand with him.

They spoke to him with the ominous
kindness they used with patients. They
asked how he was and awaited his an-
swer with genuine conc

With numb resignation, Reinh:
the fish violently away. He said ge
“1 know S; has been worried, wi
cnough to call my mother, obviously,
but my previous research has been in-
complete, really, because I didn't get
fully enough acquainted with my sub-
jects and their habits. [ saw, don't you
see, only simple problems, because 1
was ignorant, Lately, I have really con-
centrated on my fish and I have learned
a great deal. Perhaps my concentration
was too intense. Certainly it was intense
enough to pain Sara. But now 1 have
filled out the order for an infrared cam-
era [This was a lie, but it would be true
soon enough. He knew he had been
caught] and the work will proceed.
He stood up. "It's nice of you to come
in, Can I get you a beer?”

They looked at one another. “Why
not?" one of them said.

is mother's visit,
pty apartment,
in his married

He brought out a tray of beer and

preuels. In а few minutes, all their pro-
fessional constraint vanished and they
were talking with animation. It was like
old times.

The next day, Reinhart ordered an
infrared camera. Ten months later, the
fish were dead; he had fathered a son
and written three excellent papers; but
the lemurs, gentle and lethargic, still
occupied their cages. No one knew what
to do with them.

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PLAYBOY

192

samt Vittoria (continued from page 128)

to note as am act of crossfertilization.
Marianne Moore once wrote something
dose to “Thank God for the privilege
of disorganized things"; and in this

1 kept making notes, because I was
afraid to actually start the book. For the

а a great deal about Italy, hill
towns, wine making, despite the fact
that I had been led to believe that it
wasn't a good idea for a novelist to read
too much about the subject he would be
writing about. The idea was that the
reading tended to rob the writer of his
individuality and t he would be ex-
posed to material to his own and
would not want to use it, although he
might actually handle it in quite a
diflerent fashion. There is also. always
the danger of reading something so su
perlative that the writer will be smoth-
cred by it. Who wants to write a novel
about the War of 1812 after reading
War and Peace? In my case, while ad-
tedly stalling, the reading turned out
to be enormously rewarding. Everything
seemed to trigger some kind of creative
sponse in me. It didn't matter very
much what the subject was or whether
the writing was good or bad: everything

J read had the potential to give birth to

tribes believe that energy creates ener-
gy, and it got this way with my reading
every response seemed to create a cli-
mate for a heightened response. One of
what I will boldly call the more effective
scenes in Santa Vittoria, a competitive
dance in a wine press, was suggested
fo me by a series of letters from an
Edwardian schoolteacher to her class
while on vacation in Sicily. She thought
the wine presers were ugly. bec
they looked like hairy pagan goats. Опе
cident, which plays an import
the book, occurred to me w
ial statement of a modern

the creative nature is set for а spell of
writing, evidently anything can excite it;

nd i ad to my sur-
prise, read
tial of all.

There finally came a
could no longer find а believable excuse
not to begin. 1 even announced the fact
to my family and friends. "Tomorrow, I
begin." 1 made it easy on myself. I
vowed 1 would write exactly one page
and write just one page each day for a
week, This shouldn't frighten anyone
and at the end of the week, 1 would be
like a colt let out to his first pasture.

But J couldn't do it. All d.
my desk and I wrote one word. If, To-
ug, Т wrote ie woul in pe
t it covered the entire page.

“It all began when my daughter came home
from Bryn Mawr and offered to turn me on.”

, I wrote, "So now I be-
nd never got further than that.
The day after that, J tried the reliable
weather-and-date technique. “On a cold
blustery morning in May 1943, on the
sunless eastern slopes of the Apennines,
spring was coming hard. .

After that, 1 quit. 1 rented an office
away from home, not to inspire creativi-
ty but to hide from those who could see
me doing nothing for hours on end. I
gave up the idea of onc page; this goal
seemed insurmountable. I thought that
if I could get one good opening sentence,
the keynote, and get it down right, the
rest of the book would unravel itself
from there. 1 was very conscious of the
fact that I was like the man in Camus’
The Plague who spends 30 years on his
opening sentence, honing it, pruning it,
polishing it: but it didn't matter. Who
was 10 say if he had gotten his sentence
t the rest of his book wouldn't have
inevitably followed? It was all I had to
hang on to.

“How did it go today?” my wile
would ask.

coming,” followed by
several very strong drinks.

One afternoon, I realized I was never
going to write the sentence; and once 1
understood that, I arrived at the idea of
disowning ап. I had become so self-
conscious about style and craft that I had.
become incapable of reading or hearing
words any longer. When T said them,
they sounded strange; and when I put
them down on paper, they looked

strange. I recall writing “This book be-

gins” and then stopping because the
word “book” looked wrong. What kind
of word was book? An indefinite word. It
could be a checkbook or the Bible. Vol-
ume was better, Journal even better.
‘This journal begins. . . ." Too pomp-
ous. But I couldn't go back to book.
Novel. that was the real, precise word I
wanted. But what kind of novel? The
reader had а right to know.

In this way, the day went, It was pos-
sible to fill a wastebasket in a day and
never write over four different words. I
always used a clean. fresh sheet for a
clean, fresh start. With every empty
sheet there was hope, and failure. On
this afternoon, however, І be;
write the story of Santa Vittoria in the
form and style of a Dick and Jane first
read

"There is a little town on a hill called
Santa Vittoria. It Italy. The people
in the town grow pes and make
wine. A great thing took place in the
town, One day, not too long ago. . . ."

It astonishes me now that 1 was able
to keep this up for several weeks. Be-
cause the words didn't count, the words
poured out. And I was happy about the
sound of my typewriter, because I had

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grown embarrassed by the silence from
my cubicle.

"What's he do?’

"He's a writer
"Oh. Whats he writ
“I don't know. I never heard him

27

I heard that. Now the pages were pil-
ing up and I felt good. It was silly, con-
sidering the manuscript was one that I
would have shot someone before
ing him to see it; and yet the fe
was real. In the end, I had several
hundred pages filled with one-syllable
words: and while I pretended to disown
the pile of paper, it meant a great deal
to me. It was no good, but at last I had
something that was no good. All kinds
of things were missing. but now they
were missing from something. I was
conscious that through Dick and Jane 1
had outflanked art.

A week later, I cut the manuscript
down to 125 pages and, in the process,
something strange happened to it. In
the starkness of its naked simplicity, the
book became mysterious in tone. In the
cutting, the manuscript had become
fragmented into a series of pared-to-the-
bone pastiches and I was faced with the
realization that somchow, inadvertently,
I seemed to have written A New Novel.
I had the wild thought that Alain
Robbe-Grillet would discover me. The
book would be published by Grove
ress and reviewed by The New York
Review of Books, perhaps—who could.
tell how far it might go—by Susan Son-
tag, favorably, of course, thereby im-
Mortalizing me to my peer group; and
then the thought passed. I was a fraud
and what could be more fraudulent
among the grapes and stones and li
of Santa Vittori novel
Robbe-Grillet could.
enbad, oui, Santa Vittoria, non.

I had the bones of a book. The prob-
lem now was to flesh out the skeleton. I
was still afraid to begin, but not as
much as before. The first act of cr n
is the terrifying thing; and once this is
done, it now seems to me, no matter
how badly, something menacing has
been overcome. I wasn't swimming yet,
but I was in the water.

I began by putting place in the book
I wanted a sense of the town to perme-
ate it, because place plays such an impor-
tant part in the book. What happened
could only happen in an isolated hill
town. Whenever there was a change of
to describe in detail what
the new place would look like, whether
it was a room, the piazza, the entire
town itself, In this process of supplying
pk е absence of people made itself
evident. Almost in spite of myself, I be-
gan to people the places; and in this
way, the book began to get itself written,

l have never had any idea about
character. It is one reason I don't think I

wi

scene, I beg:

could teach literature. I seem to sce only
what people do. I don't recognize an
evil man until he does something evil,
and then I'm not sure that he meant
to be evil The same goes for good
people. There is no good or evil in itself,
as Camus has pointed out, but only the
consequences of acts. All things are in
all people at all times. So I couldn't plot
out a character or even conceive of one,
they simply happen, and from day to
day, capable of a ridiculous, mean ac-
tion one day and something generous
the very next.

cks unity." What
nonsense. "He wouldn't have done th:
What nonsense. He did it. Everyone
is ultimately capable of almost every-
thing, which is, after all, the fascination
and horror of life.

In his book Individuals, Р. F. Straw-
son has written that "the primary con-
ceptual scheme must be one that puts
pcople in the world. A conceptual
scheme which puts a world in cach per-
son must be, at least a secondary
product.

This idea is one of the few dogmas
about writing that I am conscious of
holding. I didn't want my characters to
d for anything, to explain, to sym-
bolize, to account for anything, but sim-
ply. in the words of Denis Donoghue
when describing what a novel should
be, possessed of life to a degree of ir-
relevance . . . all carelessness and luck,
who, when given their first push, would
leap on their way.

My final concern was style, although
I didn't know it then. I am ashamed to
admit that I thought of style as a man-
nerism, the decor of a book. I learned
later that this is a technique, an artifice,
not a style. "The best description of style.
I have cver read and one of the most
valuable lines about writing is by the
same Donoghue, who says: Style is the
right feeling animating the voice.

I had no voice. I didn't know who
was telling the story and why he was
telling it. If I chose a Santa Vittorian, I
would be compelled to accept the limi-
tations of a pcasant's vision of life. I
could choose to be the author as God.
omniscient, willful, intolerant, irrational,
as gods tend to be; but I knew I didn’t
function well as God. It's not my type.
One day, I thought of an Italian writing
а novel about life in Conway, Arkansas,
and I almost fell apart. ‘The opportuni-
ties for error were endless. As a result,
ion was made for me. I was

to what might be called a liter-

ary cop-out, but which became inevita-
ble. To account for my ignorance, I
nvented as n Italian-American
man, a deserter, who parachutes from
his plane after a pointless bombing of a.
nearby hill town and who has remained
п Santa Vittoria after the War because
of his fear of returning and a misguided
sense of shame about what he did. Hc

hopes that by telling this story, he can
earn some money; and by explaining
why he deserted in one part of the
book, in exchange for telling the greater
story, perhaps redeem himself,

Was it the proper voice? Does it meer
Donoghue's criteria? Probably not. In
the long haul, the narrator is not truly a
voice but a device and not a character
(he mercifully almost never appears in
the book) but a sound. The worst part
of it for me was that I didn't commit the
rs that I was certain I would. So I
didn't need Robert Abruzzi after all: but
I didn’t know it then and that was im-
portant. He served me well, but let him
know this. If he came back to Santa Vit-
again, I would have him stood up
against a wall and put to death.

When I had written 150 page
through the eyes of Abruzzi, I sent what
I had done to my publisher, Simon &
Schuster, in the hope of getting an. ad-
vance. Unfinished manuscripts tend to
seem more promising to editors, 1 was
told. Also, if the publisher gives an ad-
vance, he now has a vested interest in

the final product. An advance tends to
blind an editor's judgment of a manu
suipt, since the house is already com-

mitted. Finally, the advance is supposed
to bolster the unsure writer's confidence.

“They really want me. They believe
in me.”

None of it worked this way for me. I
did nothing until I got the advance; and
when I did, it had the effect of stopping
me altogether. Now there was no way
out. 1 had taken the money and I was
the one who was committed. I had a
contract. They could take me to court if
I didn't produce a novel. But perhaps it
was all to the best. I determined not to
spend the money, but I did; and it was
finally my fear of having to pay the
money back, which grew stronger than
my fear of failure, that led me to finish
the book. It was this version the pub-
her bought

I felt they were wrong to buy it. I
knew the book was all wrong. I had the
place I wanted in the book and the
people and the story, but each of these
Clements stood in its own place, one
movable chunk of writing hard by
nother. The novel seemed to me like a
freshly blasted quarry with no one to
pick up the pieces. By chance, I saw an
editor's note about the book that said:
"This is really very good, you know,"
and 1 felt the note was a plant, a kind
of editor's water wings designed to buoy
me up for the sea of revisions ahead.

They asked for very few revisions,
and this I took as a very bad sign. If
they were really interested in the book,
they would want all kinds of changes. I
figured they had given up on the book
but would go ahead and print it in the
hope of recovering their advance. They
ive two weeks to make the revi

me

sions we agreed to. One of them was on 195

PLAYBOY

196

“Last night I dreamed my wife was recalled
to correct certain imperfections.”

page one, a four-letter word that wasn’t
called for bur which I had included to
show right off that I wasn't afraid to use
four-letter words. I scratched the word
ош and the page looked messy and so 1
retyped it and it came out a line short.
so I retyped the second page

came out wrong. so I went on to the
Third page. I began cutting some p:
graphs and then an entire scene

adding dialog and changing dialog and
somewhere along the way that morning
a new character entered the story. 1 had
meant to work until lunch: but when I
stopped. I was surprised to find that it
was five o'clock in the afternoon and I
had written 42 pages. I had no sensa-
tion of having worked hard. I intended
to stop the next day, but [ didn't. I
wrote 35 pages that day, much of
complete reworking, and I knew that
evening I was going to do the whole
book. There was no question that it was
exciting to me and that I knew I was
doing something good, because for no
reason | could explain, the immovable
blocks were be ng to join one anoth-
cr in a way 1 had never been able to
make them do.

‘The word I have found for the expe-
rience is immersion. It is something 1
intend to work to find again. Previously,
1 had worked on the book and at the
book, but all at once I was immersed in
the book. It seemed to be carrying me
instead of me pushing it. It was а very
sensation. The book was much
more real than anything else in my life
then, As Tw to the second week. 1
had the sensation of being drawn very
fine, as if I could thread myself through
a needle. 1 seemed to have my own
sense of the way things were, while be-
fore 1 ways been listening over
my shoulder to see if I could get a lead

a

rare

at ii

had a

on the way things should go. I was out
of life, under water. immersed.

I was, of course, making mistakes,
but they were my own mistakes; and
because of this, they at least had the
tue of a certain consistency about them.
I told no one what I was doing, for fear
of breaking the spell. Physically,
have shown In three and a
weeks’ immersion, I lost 20 pound:
night, my wife said, “Bob, you seem so
small"; but the only physical effect 1 ex-
perienced was the phenomenon of the
missing drinks. In the evening, I would
pour myself a drink; and when I looked
for it, it would be empty. Evidently, I
was masking fatigue with alcohol and I
must have drunk a great deal to sustain
myself, but I had no conscious desire to
do this and never got drunk. At the end
of 23 days, 1 finished a manuscript that,
when published, occupied 447 reasona-
bly tightly printed pages. The following
day, while walking down Madison Av-
enue, I collapsed in the street. It was, I
tried to tell the doctor, case of the
bends, coming up too quickly after my
ini ion; but he didn't understand.

What were the mistakes? 1 think I
know most of them now. Most of them
were the products of a lack of self-
confidence caused by a lack of experi-
ence. Partially, they were the results of
waiting too long, so that the assurance
of youth, when one trusts one's judg-
ment, even if one has no reason to do
so. gave way to the doubts of middle
c, which is far gerous. I
couldn't imagine who would be listening
to me and who would want to read any
thing I wrote, As а consequence, I de
termined to make them hear, if I could.
1 overloaded scenes that were loaded
enough as they were. If there was а |
gitimate chance to grab the reader by

more dai

the lapels, I took it. I left nothing to
Trust and 1 presumed my potential read-
er was half dı nd half blind. I even
worried about Marshall McLuhan and
tried to make everything as visual às
possible, so I couldn't be accused of
being a disciple of Gutenberg. The
sult is that there is too much muscle
the prose. I could sce none of this the:
When | turned in the book, I thought it
was thin and reedy and hollow and that
wind could blow right through it. I now
know that it is actually a rather dense
book (in the best sense of that word),
two dense, but E didn't know. Now
ps 1 will.

Ош of the whole experience, 1 devel-
oped one tactic of writing that other
writers might bc able to profit from. 1
it across the г and into the
the Second. World War, a
friend of mine serving in the Alaska
Scouts noticed that when an American
squad came to a river near the end of
the day, the squad would ford the rive
so they could build fires

in the morning. The squ
dians always stopped on the m
The reason for this was another
immersion. In the morning, the Ameri
cans, comfortable, warm and dry would
tend то move very carefully and. slowly
across the tundra, to avoid getting wet
They would detour for miles to avoid

m. The Indians, on the

worst had already been done.

1 felt this could be applied to writing.
i ire to finish a p ph or
a chapter and enjoy the satisfaction of
good feeling. But in the
ning, there now is only that blank
white sheet of paper to be filled. I have
wasted days trying to regain a тоте!
tum I have lost. Now Т do allow my-
self the luxury of finishing, of getting

1 am anxious to finish and then I stop in
the middle of a sentence. It is irritati
and frustrating but also elfectiv
is nothing in writing harder to do than
to start, But in the morning, I finish the
sentence that has been left unfinished
and then I finish the paragraph. and all
at once I am in the river again.

Now I intend to wr the book I
tended to write all along, the one I used
to think I had written. the one they
would mention in the first ра ph of
the obituary. There is a saying attrib-
uted т е French that no man should
write his first novel until he is 40. This
is the age when most Americans cease
writing their last novels. 1 do hope the
French are right.

THEATER OF THE NUDE (continued from page 102)

immortalized as the first one to try it.”

The producers of Her First Roman,
the Broadway musical based on Bernard
Shaw's Caesar and Cleopatra, worked
out a flexible policy toward nudity be

fore their show began its previews
Their script had. two scenes that begged

to be fleshed out: a boudoir view of
young Cleopatra, shielded by а transtu:
cent curtain, and a Roman bath scene,
with the legionnaires cloaked in sheets
nd their lovely attendants in loose
shifis. "Despite all the pretentious ex-
ions,” said producer Joseph Cates,
v is a commercial device. We ca
justify it artistically as well as the nes
guy. And if we get bad reviews or if busi

lis off. we'll just snip away at Cleo-

long will this snippi
process take for the theater in gencral?
How long will it be before the novelty
has worn off and. nudity can be used or
not used as the occasion demands? The
experience of modern dance suggests
that the value of shock is quickly ex-
hausted. In 1965, Robert Morris and
Yvonne Rainer did a classic, though
naked, pas de deux, clasping cach other
tightly, front to front, and moving aus-
terely across a bare stage. Also classic
was the nude Joseph Schlichter, who
positioned himself inside a huge plastic

cube and patriotically splashed about
with buckets of red, white and blue
paint. Last year, San Francisco's Ann
Halprin staged the ultimate striptease at
a Hunter College recital in New York.
She had her dance troupe go through a
marathon of undressing, dressing, un-
dressing. . . . The rhythm was that of
each dancers breathing. And the cere-
mony was majestic and mysterious. But
Manhattan's district attorney was not im-
pressed: he warned the troupe never to
come back with that p;
Fortunately or not, Miss Halprin is no
longer interested in nudity. “Getting un-
dressed on stage.” she declares, "has be-
come excessively popularized."

Popular or not, there are still many
things to be done. Director О'Но
feels he may have found his own

n

ult

mate solution to the nudity problem."
Working with the La Mama ‘Troupe
at a Brandeis University production of

Megan Terry's Massachusetts Trust last
summer, O'Horgan experimented with

"naked suits” outfits that look like skin
and are equipped with full sexual re
galia. O"Horgan put them on actors of

the opposite gender under their street
clothes. At the finale, the boy and girl
stripped first to their naked suits and
then to their own bodies.

Playwright Anderson suggests another

way to mock the theater's sexual hang-
up. He imagines a skit about a middle-
aged actor whose current role requires
the performance of intercourse.
The curtain rises the actor at
home, in his own bed, with his wife. It
is morning, and she asks him to make
love. “Honey, you know I can't," he re-
plies meekly. “You know I have a mati-
nd an evening performance to do.”
hippie-actress declares in the
ict of Hair: "Harry, you've seen
the nude scene. Now can we go home?”

A couple of seasons ago, critic Kenneth
‘Tynan, surveying the state of the theater,
predicted that acts of sexual intercourse
would soon be staged. His prophecy was
correct. In London. censorship by the
Tord Chamberlain ended in September.
Now that the lid is off, the crop of сагу,
experimental sexplorations that flour
ished only in private theater dubs and
lunch-hour cafés should begin to surface.
For playwrights like John Arden and
John Osborne, who have waged a con-
stant battle with the censor, the libera-
tion should be tremendous. The same
surge to free expression can be expected
in this country. If we saw more of the
body last season than ever before, nudity
in the theater is still not a part of lif
Soon it may be. And nobody should be
the worse for wearing less.

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197

PLAYBOY

FAR FESTIMTY | n o кс)

Night comes east. I want to say тапу
me.

Returning to the big house, To go up
a spiral stair to a great room. Gleaming
brass knobs and telescope. Copper domed
roof. A shutter opened at the sky. The
General twirling handles. Miss Fitzdare
laughing at my surprise. At the craters
in the moon and the orange sparkling
light of Mars. At seven at the door. Her
white slender fingers and gleaming na
Le against the cut Miss
Fitzdarc said goodbye.

“I hope it wasn't all too dull for you

“1 enjoyed every moment. Thank you
so much for having me.”
althazar B this night rode the roar-
ing tram back to Dublin. In mild dark-
ness and an castern breeze from sca.
Along the Merrion Road. To go lighted
and merry on this iron wheeled vehicle.
And at the bridge to alight down the
steps from the greeny upholstered seats.

Balthazar strolled along the Grand
Canal Dock. By dark pouring waters
and shimmering light. Past the bridge
into Ringsend and Irishtown. It says
Shelbourne on that pub. The pleasure of
being all alone with the air gently on
the face. Her mother burned to death in
fire. Across that waste ground, ships set-
ting sail for sea. Lighted portholes. Nev-
cr know which is red for port or green
for starboard, Just see the blue cyes and
black hair of you Fitzdare. Sparkle of
your teeth. All your grace. Now I walk
back again. To look at these great walls
of blackened bricks. The gasworks. Sooty
grime and fire there through these
bars. Dark shadows. Mcn moving with
their lighted ends of cigarettes, Fitzd
Will ever we wed. All flowing veils.
Trumpets blow out across England to
our country house in Somerset. Away
in the soft green peace Fitzdare. You
will touch the stems of flowers every
day. On hall stands though the house.
Bring your horses with you. We'll fox
them all at Ascot.

Misery Hill. A name down these black
streets. And a walk along here by the
water on a narrow edge of granite by
this plank wall of a coal bunker. And
suddenly a shadow is looming up above
my head. A figure with an arm raised
and in a hand a lump of coal. Good
God. Someone to kill me. Knock me on
the head. That I would fall to this gran-
ite, to take my money and roll me into
the greasy water

Balthazar raised up a shielding arm.
And the figure high in the bunker tee-
tered and fell from sight. An old gray
red face, Staring and mad, And.
n do is run. Away from here. To
the Liffey. By all the Iong rusting sides
of ships. And rats nipping over the wet
gleaming cobblestones.

Balthazar B chased along the Quay,

stone,

198 chest choked with a beating heart. De-

touring from walls, shadowy cranes and
Heading west for the
life and lights of the city. Past gangways
up to merchant ships. White shirted fig-
ures in the portholes. Others leaning
with lighted cigarettes looking down from
the ship's railings. А warehouse ahead.
Keep out on the clear road. Away from
harm.

At the corner of the shed Balthazar B
he bumped into and confront-
пе, OF st iphted eyes.
And a round suddenly smiling face, so
unsurprised.

"'Beely.

“Balthazar.”

“Beely what are you doing here, you
frightened the life out of me, I was
nearly murdered a few minutes ago.”

“I am looking for si

Balthazar staring at these two un-
flickering globes. Jacket askew on his
shoulders. Tie loosened from his col-
lar. All the strange rumors. About this
man. Who reads divinity. That Fitzdare
would never say. To find him here. As
he finds me.

"I was nearly hit on the head with a
lump of coal.”

“Dear boy. There are no rules down
here on the Quay. No rules. Do you un-
derstand. 1 have come for sin. 1 know
whcre to find it. Come with

“Beefy what do you mean.

“Deepest most sordid sin. I have been
to the latrines. But I am randy again. I
have other places too. Come. The deep-
est and most sordid sin purifies. I bugger
old men. I lay old ladies. Some of them
are dying when I do it.

Balthazar looking into these burning
eyes. А tremor of fear takes a fluttering
hold of the heart. The lips smile. A ship
hoots.

“My God Beefy, I don't know what to
say."

“My pleasures are utterly beautiful
Balthazar. Sacred. 1 mingle my elegance
with their wretchedness. This city is
a sewer flowing with rancor and de-
composed flesh, rotting through all
these strecis. Disease eats out these
hearts. Bodies full of poison. 1 come with
my beauty. 1 bugger them. And do ap-
ngs. And I invite you to come

“1 was rather planning an carly eve-
ning

*] shock you.”

“You terrify me out of my wits. Beefy.”

“Ah. I thought so. But I will intro-
duce you slowly to the pleasurings. Very
slowly. You will thank me, When you
get into the grisliness. That you can s
vor such things as I can show you. The
sin. I love the sin. That's what 1 most
desire. You look so left out of it all
Balthazar.”

“Would you care to come back to my

rooms with mc and have some cocoa
Beefy.”

Along the Liffey quays this night,
puddles of water on the cobblestoned
street. Lonely lamplights. Coal dust and

crates and bundles of wi
dow of the gas tank rearing in
the sky. A whiff and sniff and smell of
pine timber. Beefy reaching up his arm
to put a hand on Balthazar shoulder.
To look with easy warm eyes on this
pale blond apprehensive face.

“Balthazar, my dear man. I am most
awfully sorry. I could not resist to shock
you. Do you know you are a most hand
some fellow. You аге in fact very bcauti-
ful. Your beauty would lend so well to
my planned defilement. Look at you
I've never seen anything like your saint
liness. Have you been seeing Miss
Fitzdare.”

“I had lunch with Miss Fitzdare and
her aunt and uncle.”
О my God how charming. Did you
sit poised on the settee.

barrel
Great sha

“Did Miss Fitzdare tinkle the wires of
her harpsichord.

Yes"

“I knew For joy. I knew it. She is a
lovely creature. But think what wonder-
ful defilement you could lend your spi
to tonight. Sunday. After all the prayers
id. But I think it’s so splendid
You and Fitzdare. It crucifies me, your
blond and her black beauty. O my
God.”

“Please come and have cocoa, Beefy.”

Wild shadows against a sky faintly
purple. Clouds rolling with moonlit
edges. The blast of a ship's whistle. A
hawser splashing in the water. Up in the
crystal night the ship's red light. Trem-
bling engines as the great black shadow
moves out on the flowing river.
‘Ah but I must go. Upon my app
ed rounds.”

“I have cream to go on top of the
cocoa.”

"] must not be distracted from my
mission. Sinful desire consumes me. The
most malodorous and desecrated defile-
ment is waiting. Only fifteen steps away.
Come. Please. Just along here, Let me
show you. You sce nothing. But w:
We go now up into this doorwa
will aze you. You will thrill to this

t

ag broken door up wide
€ steps. A stench of death.

greasy gran:
The choking wail and sob of a child, A

lurking face. A girl. f her face in the
ght. A tiny bow of ribbon tied in her
air. Her hands clutching a broken
black shiny bag.

‘Ah Balthazar this is my queen. She
waits for me here. Her name is Rebecca.
Isn't she beautiful. But she does not
think so herself. But Rebecca, you are."

“Со on now I'm not.

“Rebecca, I want you to meet my

Claude Finestripe,

The Tiger Who Hated It.

FAI III КККК КЖК КОК К k I КК ЖК Ж СКА К Ж te te hte
Now here, projected in Schizoscope, are two striped Eagle Shirts. One of
them looks solid, but if you peer closely you will see a very tiny pattern.

“ [QUT how in the world do you ever
DD) get such fine stripes?” people ex-
claim. * O.K., we've got this little-bitty
tiger (Claude), who is dragged back-
wards by his tail down the material
(broadclawth), protesting in a piping
snarl every stitch of the way. This means
an awful lot of grouchy round-trips, to

©1968, EAGLE SHIRTMAKERS (a subsidiary of Hat Corporation), QUAKERTOWN, PA. 18951

be sure, but it keeps him off the streets.
* About the broad stripes (and bright
scars) on the other shirt, nobody's per-
fect. * Otherwise these Durable Press
shirts are like new, also come in brown,
charcoal and old gold, at about $9.50. If

you don’t know where PN
write Miss Afflerbach. кош; ышы
NUNCA |

PLAYBOY

200

friend, He is beai

“Ah he is.”

“But it is I who have a horn on me
this evil night. Rebecca you have the
mest splendid eyes to gaze upon this
horn of mine.

O go on with you I think you're
crazy."

"And you have limbs. Fine limbs. I
could cat up your white beauty Rebecca
you know that I could, don't you. Wait
ar, don't go. You must not leave.
fetch her sister for you.”
Ah sure youre got the gentleman
upset, can't you see he's upset.”

“Balthazar you're not upset. I would
never that. Isn't it marvelous here."
I think I must go Beefy.”

“Come, With us. Rebecca too will
come, And so will her sister. We'll go
over the fence at the back gate. Even
though needs be a spear up the rear.
And I will € Rebecca and her sister
10 my rooms. We will all like it there.
Come now, Rebecca. Let us get your
sister. And I beg you Balthazar don't
desert me now."

jul too, isn't he.”

ng up the broken
Past a great tall window on the
ing, its frame buckled, string and
bits of rag blowing in the breezes. A
three legged dog hobbling down between
their legs. Bits of bicycles and broken
prams along a wall. The dim slits of light
under doors. Where dark Dublin lies
sleeping.

On the attic landing Rebecca. pushed
through a door into a great darkened
room. Rags and bones and suitcases in a
comer, hunks of plaster hanging from
the cei ng hunched Гог-
ward on a chair staring silently into the
red dying embers of a fire who slowly
turns а head to nod at Beefy and Beefy
nodding a smile to Balthazar.

A table covered in newspaper, cups
nd crusts of bread. By a red candle
burning on a cardboard alt:
k girl sits huddled
ng light. Rebecca
nd they both look
at seven heads sticking from the covers
of a great mattress on the floor. The
dark girl steps behind а torn curtain and
emerges andbag. Pull
sweater over her shoulders as she turns
toward the sleeping figures under a pic-
ture of a bleeding heart encased in
thorns.
Balth: B descended Last out of this
broken gutted building, taking deep
breaths as they walked under a black
railway trestle toward Trinity down an
empty desolate lane. By locked up shops
and closed pubs. Along Fenian Street
taken that night with Beely when I first
ads of death lurk
k skulls of houses. The girl
Ш with beady black eyes. A

r nea

dark and sma

gold cross upon her throat. Blue dress,
blue sweater, her elbows poking out the
sleeves. And 1 feel so bereft of Fitzdare,
to this wisp of girl.

ame."

Breda. What is your

name."
“My name is Balthazar.”

“Are you a student,

Yes. What are you

“I work in a pub out toward Howth,
I'm a barmaid. I'm not her sister. She
enjoys a lic. I come from Cavan. I was
just into Dublin to help take care of her
little. brothers and sisters. She's the old-
est, she's twenty three. Her mother died
three months ago. I know of your
friend. He's been good to her family but
hes a holy terror in other ways. You
don't look the sort as would be down
the Quays associating with strange wom-
en. Are you afraid of me.”

No.”

“You won't sry much. I don't mind.
You're English, that's the way you all
are, Never say whats on your mind.
How will he ever get us over that big
fence.”

Beefy high up balanced between the
з. A hand held down to Re-
hed up, one foot on
Balthazar’s shoulder. Beely with a great
grunt and heave lifted her and thei

mo їйє anus of Baldrazu
Beely lowered himself into Trinity and
grinned through the fence bars.

“Come now.”

“Ah no. I'm not climbing up that

You must make her Balthazar, grab
arm and twist iL”
h you're not to twist me arm.”
“Chuck her in the gutter Balthazar,
no time for niceties.”
TH give him onc in the jewels if he
doe:
We must get them over Balthazar.
Put them through the most amazing an-
tics you have ever seen. Here let's try to
squeeze them between the bars"

“Beefy the porter's lodge is just there.
We'll be seen.”

“You'll squeeze neither of us between
the bars I'm telling you.

“Just look at them. The two of them.
Think of the defilement.

Come on Breda, let's go on out of
this now.”

“Stop them Balthazar, stop them, I'm
coming over. We must never let the two
beauties go. It will be as splendid
runni wild through a hospital of
curables. Get them back.”

Balthazar stood and watched Beely
chase the girls down Lincoln Place into
Westland Row. Where they have an
Academy of Music and where Miss
Fitzdare may have learned the harp:

her

chord. They returned hand in hand in
the darkness. Beefy's eyes coming near,
alight with pleasure. So strange he
ts them with such soft grace. Be-
the threats of violence. So bri
scholarship. So fearless at sport.

I have it thazar. I have it. We
shall enter by taxi. It is all agreed
Grandly through the front gates. Under
the noses of porters, And be in my
rooms in Botany Bay in due course and
defilement.”

In the shadows of Wicklow Street just
past a window display of spring fashions
in Swiwers a taxi was loaded with the
women. A white five pound note passed
by Beely to the taxi man. The girls
covered in a rug squeezed down be
tween the knees of the gentlemen. Beely
handed his silver flask to Baltha to
take brandy at this delicate moment.
Poised for fluent entrance without the
flicker of a lid. or murmur of lie. To
present at the great wooden gates. And
salely pass.

The taxi proceeding around these
bleak corners of commerce. Down this
indine between pubs and banking
houses. And out on the broad stretch of
Dame Strect. Leads west toward the At
lantic. East to the black high arched por-
tal of this ancient seat of learning. The
massive gray pillars and porches of the
Bank of Ir d. The taxi heading across
the tram tracks. Over a bump. Under
that blue gold dock high above. ad
Beely is giggling as Rebecca's head is
rather burrowing where it shouldn't be.

Stop it Rebecca. This is a tender mo-
ment when one's countenance must
wear a bland look of ecclesiastic purity.
salute from those who

Beefy rearing in his seat eyes wid-
ening in horror as the taxi fails to de-
crease speed. And slams to a stop a
the wooden b de. Two porters come
out. Slowly inspecting the dent in the
limber they come to the window and
peer at a motionless Beely. They go to
pull up the iron pins and lift back the

door. We move forward. Pe
» over ever so slightly. Beely nods.
They touch their caps. And now we
trundle across the cobblestones.

“By God we've done it Balthazar. By
God we've done as nice a piece of ele-
mental underhandedness as could be ex-
pected in а veh 1 should not be
allowed out on the roads. Just lie low
now girls until big uncle Beely gets you
safely into his randy quarters. Who's foi
brandy. Ah Balthazar. You know I'm
enjoying your company. You give me a
sense of destiny. I rather mean to say
my character is all shot to hell. I'm skid-
ding along now on infamy. Heading for
my holy orders. With my trustees scrcam-
ing. My granny stonyhearted. My

ast

пті

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The (Deion. бу WE GFG

TVE TRIED,
@ ~ BUT MARRIAGE:
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201

PLAYBOY

202

despicable propensities raging. Of course
I shall take my holy orders. But not
before I've had my fill of the diabolical.”

“Beefy I don't like the look of things.
I have a strange feeling we got by the
porters too easily. Can't we have cocoa
and go out again.

"Balthazar you are an awfully polite
man you know. But not one for filling in
the silences in conversation, are you. Taxi
man, apply your brakes now, that door-
way right there. Cet close in. That's a
good man."

Beefy debarking with rug. Holding it
aloft between car door and the dark
stony entrance. To let the damsels dis-
creetly pass. Into chill darkness and move
up three landings guiding with hands on
the smooth banisters and creaking stairs.
Beefy whispering close.

“Ah Balthazar aren't you excited to-
night. With these two lasses. You can
engage in any proclivity you fancy.”
heard what you said and don't be
ing I don't know all them big
words mean the same thing."

"I love you Rebecca. I love you.

^You love yourself.

"You see Balthazar these girls are
clever. Far above the ordinary. You
know, this isn't a time to bring this up,
but I rather funked in the military.
Could never organize an assault. Would.
say to the chaps. This is your captain
speaking. can yon hear me chappies
there are the buggers beyond. the ridge,
let them have it by God, mortar them
good and proper. Forsooth I set off a
barrage to give them what for beyond
the ridge. After the preliminary soften-
ing up 1 told the chappies to rush them.
I put my umbrella up to march out set-
ting a good example, through the rain of
shells. Men didn't like i II. Thought
I was putting on the dog. But the ene-
mmy were so stunned to sec me marching
at them under my snakeskin handled
umbrella that they ceased firing. Just as
well. The unhappy thing was, I was at
tacking my own men. I was an absolute-
Jy dead loss at war. Soon as they got r
of me they started winning like mad.
But you know, let me say confidentially,
I tried to soldier well. Even now when I
pass Horse Guards’ Parade in London,
hear the band, the crunch of heels on the
gravel, а reverberation goes through me
and I th to an instant erection. I
mean some chaps express their loyalties
in other ways. But that little signal, that
pure salute. One's private little pole.
Standing outright and quivering. H:
always made me feel that my love of
regiment, my loyalty to the Monarch,

da

This fearful trip is not yet done. Until
we are safely inside.”
Beefy opening the door. Ushering

his guests. He goes from room to room
announcing an all clear and switching
on a light Breda staring around this
booklined room. Hung with risqué tap-
estries and silver ornaments. Crossed
sabers over the mantel. Four shotguns
locked against a wall. A great carpet
woven with the facial and saucy aspects
of a Persian gentleman in all expressions
from sadness to outright laughter. In
every nook and cranny, crystal splendors.
Bound volumes. Ecclesiastical Policy. Eu-
ch ic Faith and Practice. A Short His-
tory of the Doctrine of the Atonement.
“That woman there on the wall is my
granny. Who has made much of what
you see here possible. Often I kneel of
an evening, light a candle and look up
10 her and pray my thanks. She is as
flinthearted as she looks. But do help
yourselves to the bowl of raisins one and
all And allow me to pour. Rebecca,

‘Ah you're a cod. Sure this place is
like one of them black gentlemen have.

“I have my dear woman not been
blessed by a dark complexion but I am
a man of the divinity, do not forget that.
Must satisfy the Archbishop King’s Pro-
fessor that I am an habitual communi.
cant of the Church of Ireland. Do not
forget that before ordaining a candidate
for the ministry you must have your
medical certificate of health. Leave no
doubt as to physical soundness in the
performance of ministerial duties. There
Rebecca read that tome, The Problem
of the Pastoral Epistles.”

What would I want with such prot-
estant rubbish. Sure you'll burn to a
crisp in hell, you will.”

“Ah Rebecca you take the pope to
heart. Did you know he was a share-
holder in your breweries.”

“What kind of talk is tha

“Ah Rebecca, Rome is fin
power. The pope is in volu

thirst for a glance of your naked person,

able assets

your fleshy real

“You'll roast for centuries.

“But tonight let us not be squ
Blessed is the man who puts h
into the ungodly and spits mighty
spurts. О God I'm so painfully horny.
Step lightly forward now in a rhyth
manner my dear. О with your gar-
ments. Let us have some balletic exper-
tise.

I will in a tinker's tit, in front of
everyone.”

“Ab no vile language here, girl. Brit-
ish territorial prerogatives prevail within
these Trinity walls. Be not base low
mean and shabby. Strip off.

“Will you listen to him. Strip off he
says.

"Ah Rebecca can't you see I'm agog

for your nude form. Breathlessly impa-
tient for visiting vile humiliations upon
you. Blessed are they who lay down
their garments one by one in a manner
of teasing dalliance for they will have a
pole of plenty cight miles up them. In
due ruddy course. Of course.
You're a Presbyterian.

“Ah you've uttered the one thing that
provokes me Rebecca and calls for, of
course, rape. 1 must rape you. Don't try
to struggle it will be useless.”

“Sure I can scream the bricks down
of this building."

“We must employ the gags. Can't
have outcry when Beefy is scintillating
through his magic mire of shame. Just
cabinet, here we are, the
gags, the silk pajama cords. For trussing
up. For the vile proddings.

Balthazar hands joined entwined, his
back pressing a scries of vol-
umes in the bookcase, A Theological
Introduction and Texts to Religious Ex-
ne Diverticula. Breda
looking from face to face, Beefy drop-
ping his trousers, Rebecca pulling off her
dress. Not to know what was funny or
what was sad. Or what was rape and
what was mad. But only to tremble in
terror. Visions of porters and authorities
ching 30 abreast across Front Square.
Crowbars held high. For breaking and
entering. Hangman's nooses for stretch-
ing throats. And to dangle. one's uni-
versity career at a dismal end.

Beefy raging with considerable nudity
g up his silk pajama cords. Breda
covering her eyes with well spaced
fingers. Rebecca in a wild peal of
laughter s unforgettable in-
strument asway upon Beefys chunky
person. As I good heavens, feel con-
strained to look out the window. And
Breda gasps.

"Ah God I've never seen the likes of a
thing like that before. It's as big as a
donkey's. Sure your man is a mul

"Good God your toenails Rebecca,
need cutting, ГЇЇ report you to the Soci-
ety of Chiropodists. Аһ but otherwise,
isn't she my Rebecca, the most splendid
creature. Pirouette my dear. Ah that
raised some fine points. Of divinity if
not law. But we're losing the sense of
rape here. Cringe back a little my d
If the Provost could only see us. Keep-
ing up the fine traditions of the college.
Numini et pat asto. And now. For
rape."

Beely charging across the floor. Hands
raised in a pose horrid and mena
Pajama cords draped in a p
ner about his neck. Seizing Rebecca by
the wrists, her legs buckling beneath
her as a smile broke across her face and
laughter trembled her knees.

“Rebecca you're ruining this deadly

ar.

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serious act. Т am about to rape you. This
won't do.'

Rebecca doubling up with her hands
held across her belly. Becfy bent pulling
them apart. Shaking her into resistant
action. As she went limp on the floor.
Breda wide eyed and pushing back her
Sweater sleeves.
re getting awfully dusty Rebec-
са. 0% not fair of you to behave this
way. Resist. For God's sake. O dear
what can I do, my charm melts all
hearts, and everyone, men women and
children open their legs to me. Into the
bedroom, Rebecca. I will lash you to the
bed. And in my best secular manner I
will have at you like a beast bounding
ight out of the Bible, Numini ct
patriae амо. And don’t spare the ju-

jubes."
Balthazar swallowing constant lumps
of air. Wig i ith handker.

chief. The crumpled giggling figure of
Rebecca carried into the bedroom. Jub
lant jouncing coming out the half open
door. To reach and pass the bowl of ra
sins across to Breda. To select of these
dried gr

“What was that he was saying in that
funny language.
stand on the side of God and my
country

“Sure in the condition he’
God or country would have him.

“Would you have tea if I can find the
kettle and leaves.”

“Aren't you about to try anything
with me.”

No.

П have a cup then if yı
one. Can you tell me if your [riend is
completely round the bend."

"He's the most brilliant brain of the
university."

“Is that a fact. Well if you ever knew
what was on another person's mind you
wouldn't know what to put on your own
at all. He's one for devilment”

The door crashing open. Beefy, trou-
sers down around his ankles, shuffling
and hobbling in his socks. His priv
nal tied with a bow of p
circumcised salute. poking out
beyond the floating tails of his shirt.
Breda shrinking back from this bullish
grinning ruddy face.

“Balthazar, Where are you. See for
yourself. Rebecca trussed up. Ready to
give teats. My dear girl show some
shame, how dare you stare at my instru-
ment in that manner, We shall rape Re-
becca. Then it shall be your turn. While
you rape Rebecca Balthazar I shall truss
this truculent lass to the other bed. And
by God we'll rape you.”

“I'm making tea for us, Beef

^O my gawd. You'd let such opportu-
nities as I've prepared slip. For the sake
of Empire dear man. For Monarch. W

pes.

waving i

204 must on with the felony. You lass you're

make no mistake about that.’
m not with you I'm with your
friend here who's a well behaved gentle-

next

ma

"Stop. Do I sense here the shirty and
utterly shabby nuance of criminal im-
pertinence. And take your eyes off my

stant."
ure it's not my fault if it’s there put
in front of me eyes.”

"You are a saucy lass. I'm putting you
down in my notebook. Needy of correc-
tive measures."

“You fancy yourself. Standing around
like that. You should be ashamed of
yoursel

Beefy, eyes so brown ablaze with joc-
ular evil, moving forward toward Breda
As she rose from her chair and slow-
ly stepped backward around the room.
Past the shotguns. past foils stuck in an
umbrel! 1 she fell on the brass
studded gleaming leather couch. Beefy
great instrument pressing at Breda's face
as she waved it away. Balthazar scratch-
g his head in the scullery doorw:
"This can't be college. An evening
as this. A hidden world never sce
fore. Until you 0
it must really be. The carefree frolics of
undergraduate years. That we grow up to
live in steadier and sterner ways. Look
I was a naughty fellow in my

and. 1

k and

younger days
"Come my dear girl, it's as hard as а

baby avocado, don't push it
likes you. Give the boy a tr

“I will in me witless wı
fore I give you a bite of your balls and
theyll be through bouncing anymore I
can tell you."

“Blessed my dear are the nonviolent
girls who blow. A sound from this horn
delivereth me up to the heights of ecsta-
sy. With such elevation I could spit on
Mars. The explosive grandeur of tickling
your tonsils would make this poor boy
so happy. And also clear your complex-
ion of any blotches.
you'll get away with that thing or I'll
Clout you with the back of me hand.
You're out of your mind.”

As Beely disappears to the bedroom.
A sound. A sharp crack. Balthazar turn-
ing to look back in the scullery. The
steaming spout of the kettle aimed
against the window. The parted white
and blue checked curtains. A busted
pane of glass. Misted and streaked. To
touch where it split and look out into
the thickets of the new leaves. Some-
hing strange up in the tree. Strain one's
eyes to see. A shadow entwined about a
bough. And down there. O my God.
Passing by the shed of cycles and mo-
torbikes. A lantern swinging. Spreading
light
figures approach
dressing gown and

Way,

vay. One
pers between two

porters. They stop. They look up at this
dow.
"Beefy Beefy

"Fm lingering. In the most spooky
pleasuring;

“The Proctor. Coming.”

“Nearly.”

"О God. 1 mean it Beefy.”
Nonsense. I'm in elemental ecstasy.
Please Beefy.”

“Dear boy how can you, how can
you, call, o my goodness, at such a time,
o Lord that's nice, awfully nice. Tell mv
trustees of your trouble. They deal with
all my debts and tribulations, So that I
may pursue without hinder. Divinity,
first ranking of the professions. Followed
sadly by law, medicine and literature.
The rear taken up by science and music.
First you get baptized, grow up and get
sued, Life goes on till they saw off your
leg. If you survive you can read a good
book. My adv 10 proceed in
a blaze of contradictory remarks, and
send one's trustees each year a valen-
tine. Rome is finished as a power. The
ecclesiastical tom tom says so. Church
of Ireland is taking over everywhere.
We are winning souls left right and.
evil. Right down the coast to Greystones.
And doing awfully well in Dalkey. We
must kick the indulgences and plastic
relics out of this isle. Give them a nine
first Fridays of my Lutheran horn up
the hole instead. "Tear back the cam-
ouHage of emerald purity. Thou
Beefy and upon your arse I shall build
my bank. No one gives а damn about the
organic unity of Christ. Or the ccclesias-
1 jurisdiction. Rebecca, darling, the
rdhoard crucifixion is crumbling.

You're mental.”

Balthazar at the open crack of the
door. As the gospel according to Beefy
drones оп. One's two hands held ughtly
together. If not altogether wringing.
Certainly drained of blood. To tiptoe
into someone else's intimacy.

“Beefy, I think this is urgent, can you
hear me.”
nglehandedly I shall bring down
Rome. Rebecca, Severe ideas are called.
for. Ukase. Deliver up delinquent. aui-
tudes. Papists will cower. Liberty loving
protestants will march elbowing harlots
y. on to Belfast. Very mili-
tant. The Divine Founder will scream
out the Coptic Rite and screw the east-
ern schism:

You're mental.”

“Beefy they're coming. The porters.”

“Really Balthazar. n't you hear I'm
in the middle of my outloud meditation.
Kicking evil little bugs out of the con-
science, After one has defiled numerous
orphan nd motor mecl
My God what did you say.”

^E said the porters are coming.”

“Pull that sash cord. That's the gei

nics.

widows

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PLAYBOY

206

alarm. Quickly Rebecca up. Keep all
mouths closed and fast come with me.
Gather up your garments. Into the scul-

lery. No time for moderation. One
grasps at a moral morsel and sinks
promptly in a vast sea of human betray-

al. And new rattings from every side.
One sings loudly protestant praises. And
porters get it into their heads to do their
duty. No panic, quite safe. This way
through the dust. Old Beefy knows how
10 disport. And retreat with a gusto un-
known to modern man. Just when 1 was
going to ask you to take down your
Trousers, Balthazar, and present your
particulars to the pleasurings. God I'm
going to soon show my age beyond my
s I'm such a young vital chappie.
"This way. Girls obey now to the letter.
Not a murmur. Just do as you
told. And the whole misunderstanding
will pass shortly. Been a slight breach of
security. Soon patch it up. Keep an eye
out Balthazar.

Beefy pulling on underwear with one
hand, leading his two female guests

with the other. Into the scullery. A
scrabbling and scuffling. A banging. On
the door. Beefy putting his finger to his
lips for silence, as he tiptoes back into
the drawing room, And across to his
bedroom. Emerging again in dressing
the bedroom door. Drop-
ping ! to the pocket of a long
flowing black silk robe. Satiny slippers
enibellished with gold threaded crossed
cues on his feet. And he looks down
upon his person and smiles at the ashen
faced Balthazar.

“Believe in me. Trust in me. I'll do all
the talking. Make believe you are mer
ly playing bezique at your London сі
Апа the world lies around you sublime.
See, I'm in my billiard slippers, means
we are quite safe. You mustn't shake like
thar Balthazar, Гуе been through this
before. Just a very ordinary nightmare.
Shush. Now. Wait. They are at the
door. ig. O very crafty. But what
they hear is silence. We are engrossed
in а tutorial.”

Three loud knocks on the door. Bal-

“Actually, I just keep him to meet girls.”

thazar taking one deep breath after
other. Beefy lighting up a large cigar.
His eyes blinking in the smoke, slowly
taking tomes from his shelves and open-
ing them out on the table. All secms
somehow to have happened before.
Three more bangs on the door, And
Beefy was on top of that girl. As her
legs wagged in the air. A bare arse
pumping up and down during his ai
demic carcer. Of devious divinity. One
must turn a blind суе to sacrilege. Uncle
Edouard said it wa: s wise to kick
up a disturbing row if one were tapped
unwarningly upon the shoulder. Three
morc loud bangs. A voice of authority.

“Open up this door.”

Beely tiptoeing around in a circle, rai
ing his eyebrows up and down with
cach step. His elegant nerve. When I
should be content somewher 5i
now. Or strolling the afternoon by
nes in the countryside., Trac-
ferns with a light th
finger. And the warm voice of Fitzdare.
O Lord.

"Open up. I know you have women
in there. I am not going to stand out
here in the cold all night. If th
not opened presently, I shall have the
clerk of works summoned to knock it
down,”

Beefy advancing close to the door.
Listening. Taking a great long puff on
his cigar. Shaking his head slowly up
and down. Two squash rackets leaning
near the door. Beefy taking one in hand
and sweeping it in a strong forehand
lley. As three more k

door is

le in there and.
don't make this occasion more unplcas-
ant than it already

Beefy smiling. Feinting deeply with a
flexed right knee. A blurring bı
handed cross court three sided kil
shot administered with wish of breeze.
And a gracefully slow follow through.
While I tremble. With no way out. Save
a window plummeting down three floors.
With two broken legs one could not run.
But better to stand by the window. Just
To look down. And see if it gets
any nearer. Seemed so certain we were
undetected through the front gate. My
reputation of the rape of Donnybrook
following after me. My God what is that
out there in the tree.

“Beely, come, look."

Beefy peering out into the night. The
branches of the nearby tree. The tan-
gled snaky boughs. Beefy taking his ci-
gar out of his mouth. His eyes cold.
hat wretch, Out there spying in the
tee. Betraying us. Thinks he's going to
delight in our apprehension, The jealous
Greek scholar, the bogn Muggins.
He's laughing. By God wait till I get my
hands on him.

“Beefy open the door please, They're

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PLAYBOY

208 there opened.'

beginning to use force."

"Ап innocent man is never in a hurry
Balthazar.”

“But we're not innocent.”

"In spirit and heart, yes. We are.
That’s why I wear this look of perma-
nent bewilderment. Whoops, yes, that
was rather a loud bang. Thought they
might give up

“I know you have women in there. I
will not ask again that this door be
opened. I am not going to stand out
here all nigh

Beefy advancing to the door. Draw-
ing back the bolts. One high one low.
Lifting his eyebrows as he turned the
lock and pulled open the big black door.
The Proctor in a brown ankle length
bathrobe. Designed perhaps for
evening

such
Pair of red skiing
nd scuffed pair of leather
pers. A sky blue scarf wrapped high up
round his throat and flowing over a
shoulder. Rowed stroke or bow or some-
thing for Cambridge. A year when Ox-
ford sank with all hands in the river.
These two small porters look from under
their blue bulging hard hats. Peering
out from the college secrets piled up
over the years. And one steps forward to
put his lantern atop the turf cupboard.

"AM right Beefy, where are the
women.”

women,”
"Yes, the women, Don't play games

with me. Where are the women. I want

this over without delay. You may as well

come dean. Where are they.”

‚ you do know I'm reading di

“I should not attempt, if I were you,
to start clouding the issue. Which is
quite grave.”
ir Гап afraid I don't have the faint-
est idea what you're talking abou
all respect, really sir. 1 do not.

“Don't try my patience.”

“Honestly, Balthazar B here. Why we
came back this evening to college, hav-
ing missed vespers and taken a walk
about Stephen’s Green, and we set about
slogging. Quite above board. Books there
on the table. Mr. B's Litlego exam.
Latin is giving him a good bit of trouble.
Thought it would polish him up nicely
if I took him through some of.

"Thats quite enough. I'm. not going
10 stand here all night listening to your
explanations. Either you admit now to
the women or I shall go into that room
and expose them myself. As distasteful
as that may be. But you've only yourself
to blame if this cannot be dealt with in
a civil manner, I have not got all night.
Come on. Don't trifle with me longer. I
see. Very well. Let us have that door

A nod from the Proctor. A pointing
finger raised. To these dark uniformed
porters in their peaked hunting hats.
"Who step forward. Across this ornamen-
taled tapestried room. They turn the
knob and push shoulders against the
locked door.

“All right, Beefy, the key. Let us have
the key.”

т, what key.
The key Beefy.”

“Sir as you know."

“I know nothing except this is most
tiresome. Give me that key.”

“Upon my word, sir, one has desper-
ately been pursuing the doctrine of
atonement, Christian ethics.”

You are reilly bringing me to the
end of my endurance. I can see this lit-
tle evening has all the appearances of a
tutorial.”

“Fructu non foliis arborem aesti

и.”

Do not Latin me. Theres quite
sufficient fruit to be seen and judged
here."

"Six I think you should look out the
window in the tree outside.

This tall handsome man, waves of
quietly graying hair across his head.
One hand tightly holding the wrist of
the other. Stealing a frowning glance at
the green ecclesiastic tomes. As he steps
forward,

“Beefy I'm warning you, either you
produce these ladies instantly or some-
thing much worse will happen to you
a you think will happen."

Sir upon my crossed squash rackets I
ar and with all due respect, you are
barking up the wrong tulip tree. I mean
really, how can I otherwise consider
that you are not, without malice per-
haps, but persistently, making
tional slanderous accusations here. In
front of witnesses.’

“Are you daring to try me. Are you.”

“Sir there is no need to shout.”

“You do try me.”

“No I am distinctly not doing.
Nor trying.”

"AM right break down that door."

“Please sir пи

“Break it in,’

“О sir, you really shouldn't This is
awful.”

“Quite.
The two porters taking up positions.
A signal and the dark shoulders crashed
upon the door. A groan and raised eye-
brows as the black portal refused to
budge. A stepping back of three paces,
another onslaught. Beefy covering his
eyes. A splintering. Two panels cracked
through. One porter down, Holding h
shoulder in pain.

‘Sir please, allow me, I can't bear to
watch anymore. I've got the key here.

T'I open the door. It's the principle of
the thing. It really is. Not to be be-
lieved. To have had a command in a
regiment with whi I know you
are acquainted. There. It’s open. Get
them. Eighty ladies. Twenty of them
dusky. Before they get out the window."

The two porters rushing into the
room. Pulling back the deep blue satin
window drapes. Opening the clothing
cupboard. Tearing blankets from the
bed. Beefy giving a nervous start as
something clatters on the floor. The
pushing aside of stacks of towels and
shirts. And finally standing hesitating
over a great iron deedbos. Room
enough for two well packed midgets.
The Proctor thin lipped, white faced.
Stepping forward. Pointing with a
finger,

“Open up that box
» that is confident:
open
"Sir you have no warrant."

“I can tell you Beefy, that my anger
shall be sufficient warrant at this mo-
ment.”

“But sir there is no room for ladies in
there. Not nice ladies anyway.”

The porters triumphantly holding up.
the foot long key fallen from the bed-
covers. Smiles as they plunge it into the
top of the great box, Four hands turning
it. A dick inside. Lifting the heavy lid
open, propping it back. The great lock-
ing хес round the rim. And the
porters standing staring silently down.
s, what is

“I don't know sir. It must be thou-
sands and thousands."

“Thousands of what."

“Pounds sir. Five pound notes. Hun-
dreds of them.’

“О dear. Im not ready for more

- See for yourself."

“Good Lord. What's the meaning of
this Beefy.”

“Nothing is the meaning of it sir,
except that you have searched my apart-
ments, opened my confidential strong-
box and failed to find any crumpet, Huff
or frill”

How did this come to be here. АП
this money."

"I put it there sir.”

"Are you completely out of your
senses. You have no right to keep mon-
ey in this quantity in a college room."

Beefy crossing to close down the
great iron lid with a crunching bang.
Turning the huge key. Lifting it out
again and slipping the iron circle over
his wrist. Making an about face. A clat-
ter of slipper. A slow march back to the
sitting room. Plumping into his leather
sofa, Beefy crossed his carrot haired legs
and opened а tome across his lap. Book
One of Aristotle's Nicomachean Ethi

Balthazar B reflecting apostate, down-
hearted and sad, raising his chin mo-
mentarily as the Proctor stepped back
into the sitting room.

“Stand up Beefy.

“Sorry sir, just keeping up with my
ethics.”

“Thi

is not over yet.”

“I will get to the bottom of this.
Meanwhile that money is to be put
properly where it belongs, їп a bank.”

"I don't trust banks sir."

"I don't care whom you trust. Get

©,

that money out of here. Who is your
tutor.”

“Professor Elegant

“And yours, Mr. B.

“Professor Elegant sir.”

“Professor Elegant has his work cut
out, Be at my office tomorrow at three
o'clock, both of you.

“Sir are you going.”

“What I do is not of your concern.”

“I just thought sir that you should
know there is something awfully strange
out there up in a tree. If you look out
the window

‘The Proctor pushing apart the drapes.
Peering out into the night. Taking a
torch from under arm and shining it out
the window. Turning back to these two
attending porters awaiting their further
instruction. To keep the college clear of
misdemeanor. To track down abductors.
Rout out the harborers of females laid
liberally on for riotous and indecent
behavior.

“Porters, go fetch that man out of
that tree. Who seems to find matters in
here so amusing. I should not smile 209

PLAYBOY

210

Im not by any means finished
һ you. I am not satisfied that there is
not something quite fishy here."

Beefy joyfully leaping to the door. То
put to the bolts once more. And а finger
up to his lips. At the departing sound of
steps down the wooden stairs. To the
window now, they could sce down to
the foot of the tree. In the lightly de-
scending rain the Proctor and porters
ting. In torchlight and lantern glow-
A student scrabbling down to the
ground with long flowing hair. Brushing

bark from his person. Turning to point
up

t this window. As one and all nip

“That evil snooping scoundrel, Been
scrounging around me for months. One
doesn't mind his constantly shitting and
pissing out his window after dark. But
as a leech on my lile. Neve

"Let us out of here:

“O my God. the gi
right where you are and doi
I tell you."

“We want to come out of here.”

s. Please stay
"t move till

“Not yet. You must lie low for just a
while longer. Ah Вай you are
quite a person under fire. However, be
ready, the last tribulation is about to un-
fold. An old college tradition. In circum-
ices such as this. They go away. For
à few minutes. And then when опе
10 one's neck again in lewd gym
indecency, They come с
door. Not nice. So we'll just sit here at the
table. Take up the tutoring where last
left. Ah here we are, a little something
on the constitution of. Athens

The door came . With sp
tering doorjambs and plaster. Three
porters pouring through. Balthazar
jumping to his fect emitting a slight
shriek. Beefy relighting his cigar gone
out in the [ormer festivities. The third
porter new to matters rushing the bed-
room. Reappearing vacant faced and be
mused. Beefy blowing a large smoke
g across the room. Which wreathed
granny's portrait and smashed out in
wavering billows against the wall.

shing

sund

“When she says she loves you, yowre
a little skeptical. You don’t really trust white
people, because you're a Negro, get it?”

thazar B with his hand held against his
lower thr
“Are you porte

. How d

done. Dark beetles

re you bur

this manner. Bringing plaster with y
Causing nuisance to a man who will one
day follow quite closely upon the heels

of Christ. He was an awfully good walk-
before they tacked him up."

"We are under orders sir.

"Well then.

ke your lot out

Vamoo:
to the night. O y
ar of this, My trustees
will cei ly be assembling in front of
the Bank of England over there in the
land of fair play. And by God when the
drummer begins to strike a cadena
they will march to the Holyhead. step-
ping of course right over Wales. Do you
hear me. Put down that crowbar. Quite
untoward. My trustees will be on the
night boat soon and by God they will be
scribbling out writs and the like, as well
as many other beribboned documents.”
Very well sir, very well.”

“You know I happen to be a scholar.

S EPA

"Ranking of the fifth rank in this col-
lege. And a gentleman of the ch

^We do sir know thi:

"Scholar in cl. as well as a man
who is to take holy order. And vou
chaps break down doors and visit in-
discriminate injury to the sensibilities of
myself and Prince B. Your Highness my
profound apologies. As your host one
wants so much to blot out horrendous:
spiritual bruises which smite onc in
one's chambers. Quite odious.”

“We are quite sorry sir to have in-
commoded you

Porters dep:

T:
the Provost will he

rting silent and open-
mouthed. Beefy examining his busted
door. Sad bolis and latches h
screws twisted out of the spl
wood.
“Don’t you

nd this all ter
freshing Balthazar. Look what they've
done to my poor door. What a waste of
their brol shoulders to think they
could outwit Beefy. Infantry captain ex-
rdin: I think cannibalism is next
on my calendar of lusts.”

Let us out of here.”

“Right with you girls now.”

Beefy at the turf bin. Lifting up the

lid top. Displaying the brown piles of
nnf. His hand choosing a crumbling
piece.
К "Quite real. You see Balthazar. Now.
We dose this up. And here, come
watch, undo this and we draw back a
litle secret door. And the two morsels
of our delight. Good evening girls."

In the shadows, sitting upon и low
bench. Breda and Rebecca grim faced
and unglad, Shuffling out sideways. Pitter
patter of the rain. And the wind ris-
ing. The scullery window ashake. Help-
ig the ladies back into the little game.
Beefy so gallantly plays. With rules
writ. For black bliss Oblique and

The Adult Peanut.
Asd

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naughty. Smiling he bows. This boy of
all those у 0. Whose purest voice
raised such sweet threnody to sound
across meadows blending the lightest
green with daisies and buttercups. Tak
сп by his friendly hand through wood-
lands gently away from fear. He made
my Tillie well again.

“Get us out of here, I want to be
gone out of here altogether."

“Girls I myself would dearly like to
be lost at this moment. Amid the gai-
eties of the London season if possible.
After all the recent rattings. Buggering
up the stylish sauciness 1 had so hoped
was to be our lot. And still can be.”

“II not be arrested in this college
you chancer.”

"Rebecca that’s not ап awfully nice
thing to say. After risking all to keep
you safe fom harm. Allow me to take
this strap from your tempting shoulder.”

“You're the devil himself, you a;

“Please. Both of you are my honored
guests. Good grief. Abandon ship. The
windows.”

A woelul crash. The door falling flat

into Beely's chambers. Over it tramping
three porters. A wave of dust rising. The
Proctor rigid at the disemboweled en
trance. All triumph buried unscen in the
sad face. The sound of doors opening
on the staircase landings below. To see
what the earthquake is about. Windows
squeaking, and others slamming shut. A
college awake this night. For an award-
of a degree. In harlotry.
Very well, I apologize to both of you
young ladies. I'm sure you've been mis-
led here. You Beefy, and you Mr. B.
Attend tomorrow at three. Му office. 1
shall appreciate your escorting these
young ladies, again with my apologies,
out of the unive A taxi has been
summoned, That is all. Good night,”

A roll of drums beating
firing salvos. In a cofin two blank
parchments. Of ungranted degrees.
Drawn on a gun carriage. Hoofs echoing
their clatter up and Dublin
streets. Sorrowing people wave their lit-
Це Лару and tap their tears. The wind
awakes and blows. Bends and flattens
highland grass, The bagpipes play. A
purple music across the heather.
down to death bravely. When you go.
Neither to weep nor smile. Tomorrow
will be a yesterday when nothing mat-
tered at all. It rains tonight. This bishop
born Beely. Anointed with his own
gracious infamies. A high stepper in all
doggish demeanors. We both are led by
the scruft of the neck. To the black long
axi. A light lit inside. To reload the

nons

down

lo

girls. In this college square they call
Botany Bay.

Under

The wild

Hair

Of the trees.

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PLAYBOY

212

sk ing: FramA taV (continued from page 108)

holes in the upper facade of the Red
Onion Saloon.

Fortunately, Aspen's one-faceted na-
ture is at least partially redeemed by the
character of its best inns and restau-
rants. Magnificent accommodations at
the first and some of the best food in the
country at the second.

The quickest way to get a confirmed
hotel reservation in town is to dial
(808) 925-3122. This is the number for
Incons, a data-processed reservations
system that links every Aspen hotel to a
central switchboard. The caller merely
states his requirements—say, à two-room
suite on the ground floor of a chalet,
with a fireplace in the living room and
use of sauna and swimming pool. All are
located within a 15-minute walk of a
ski lift and cost from $10 to $50 daily—
nd, if the space is available, the оре
tor will confirm dates and prices on the
spot.

Conde ims—apartments rented by
private owners and managed by the
professional staff of the building—usually
oiler the most luxurious accommod:
If you're traveling with half a dozen

friends, this can alo be the best bar-
gain; because for around $80 a day, you
сап rent a three-bedroom

carpeted in white and equipped with
expensive furniture and а Roman bath.

apartment,

At the Aspen Alps, the Green Mount
Suite has a tiered and carpeted floor in
the living room, built in a rising semi-
cirde around a fireplace, so that it looks
somewhat like a small amphitheater. It's
also known as Celebrity Manor. Among
its famous guests over the years have
been Bishop Pike, Adam (Batman) West,

John Wayne, Jill St. John and Hugh
M. Hefner.

At Aspen Meadows, which describes
itself as a community rather than а ho-
tel, you can rent an entire house—
accommodating six comfortably and very
tastefully decorated, too—for $90 a day,
which includes use of the sauna and
steam baths in the Aspen Meadows
Health Center. The Meadows is about a
five-minute drive south of Aspen, close
enough to enjoy the town's noisier dis-
tractions but, for those who like to keep
such pleasures within easy reach but at
arm's length, not too dose. The views
are sensational and the newly renovated
Four Seasons restaurant can be depended
upon for the very best French and Amer-
ican dishes. This isn't the big party
scene, but if you're looking for civilized
company in an unhustled atmosphere,
it’s ideal.

The youngest and most impoverished
visitors to Aspen stay in dormitories,
where accommodations run from the
equivalent of a seedy campus boarding-
house, such as the Independence, to the
arret, which gives you just enough
space to stretch out а sleeping
These are probably the most uninhib-
town, but theyre far from
25 tends to be

Much better digs and at only slightly
higher rates (around five to six dolla
day) can be found at hostels and inns
like the Bunkhaus, Alpine Lodge, Buck-
horn and the Floradora, which once
won an award for the faithful renova-
tion of its interior. After these, there is a
Татре jump in cost to the Aspen Inn, the

“He didn’t even notice.”

Prospector and Hearthstone House, all
of which are located cither in or close to
the center of town. I didn't particularly
care for the Aspen Inn, which struck me
as an impersonal, sprawling collection of
undistinguished real estate, but both the
Prospector and the Hearthstone are
warm, congenial establishments that pro
ide a high degree of personal service.
Before booking anything, however,
get in touch with the Aspen Association
(Box 1188, Aspen, Colorado)
ош about the discou

is, most of which

are applicable from mid-January to the
end of the season. There ate also airline
packages that allow even bigger savings.

The sun goes to bed very carly in As-
pen and ic
does.

about the only thing that
From four o'clock on,

least it does in this to
il circuit might start at the Little
Nell base lodge, the Red Onion Saloo:
the Tippler or whichever place happens
to be the most popular this sé
of the above were last winter's favorites,
but Aspen is notoriously fickle and the
whole scene may cha coming
season. The Soaring Cork Lounge of the
Aspen Inn, for example, was dead only
а few seasons ago. but the management
revived it by bringing in a country-and-
western group; and when that palled,
they brought in a rock group. Last sea-
son, they had a foursome called the
Spice асар It was the hest in town, bur
it left at the end of the season to seek
greater glories in Los Angeles.

At the height of the silver boom, As-
pen was noted for its unusually civilized
food. Great and lavish banquets were
thrown by the town’s millionaires and a
tradition of good food became the rule
rather than the exception. One of the
local delicacies of that period was oyster
loaf, a rectangular loaf of newly baked
bread with the top crust cut off and the
inside removed. The crust and the walls
of the loaf were baked and coated with
hot butter. Fried oysters were packed
inside with layers of sliced lemon and
dill pickle. The top was then replaced
and the loaf served hot. You may not
find that in today's Aspen, but your pa
ate won't be disappointed with what is
available.

At the Paragon in the old Roaring
Fork building, the menu is French and
the decor is silver-boom lush. Seven-
course dinnei e served at set hours in
beautifully appointed private dining
rooms hidden behind yelyet-curtained
entrances that lead off from a main cor-
ridor. This is indisputably one of the
better restaurants in America, for food
and ambiance, and to miss it would be
close to sacrilege. Even a drink taken at
the bar tastes better there than else-
where.

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PLAYBOY

214

REGIONAL

EDITS

DIRECTOR
CENTRAL
INTELLIGENCE
AGENCY.

“Oh-oh, here comes my boss. . . . lll ave- hay 00-Lay.

all-cay oo-yay ach-bay at.

the Chart House, where the specialty is
teriyaki steak—char-broiled beef marin
ed in soy sauce—served with all
homemade bread and salad you ca
Steak is, of course, а staple in Asp
d since the quality and. quantity
pretty much the same—good and ple
all over town, there's not much point
recommending one steakhouse over
other, although connoisseurs would
give the edge to the Chart. House and
the Skicr's Chalet, where you should wy
10 get a table in the small room upstairs

"here are many diversions from the
steak route in Aspen. "There's the Gold-

en Barrel, which has seafood; the Moth-
er Lode, pasta (and a potent Irish
collec): the Wienerstube, schnitzel and

Viennese pastries: the Golden Horn. beef
fondue and Colorado trout: House of
nd Pinocchio's, a favorite
nd hamburger stop at lunchtime.
Another popular rendezvous for lunch
is the Delice Pastry Shop: Everything
there, especially the soup. is delicious.
One of the poshest places in town is the
Copper Кеше, which has a cer
osity value. Tt can't seen to make up й
mind what sort of restaurant it is. Every

ain curi

night, there's a different title on the
me "Latin Land: "Eastei Eu-
торе” “The Middle, Near Far

The Land of the Midn ight Sun”

Desperate times do call for desperate
measures, but one feels a definite sym-

"ay...

pathy for the chef, whose unhappy lot it
is to lend his talents to such gastronomic
schizophrenia. Still, Time magazine once
listed it among the best rest
the history of Western man.
If you like music with you
to Sunnie’s Rendezvous, food
and good jazz played by some famou
names. Ruby Bralf and Ralph Sutton.
were there last winter.
Crucible, there's a wande
ess, and a menu t
and frog's legs. The Crystal
се has singing bus boys and w
resses who perform boisterous bits
numbers from Broadway shows between
se of steamed rab. and roast beck.
There are no dud night spots in Aspen
at least I've never found any. A skiing
crowd could turn a morgue
party room. In Aspen, they enjoy them-
selves where ther it's
country-and-western joint like ihe
Lazy 7, a disco like Galena Street Е
or an afternoon music lounge like the
Twig. The Tippler is
cocktail spot, but the music and dan
continue until two in the morning. The
Red Onion goes in for polka bands and
vocal groups (last year, they had the
Kirby Stone F e the Woodland-
er has a ba e floor
with pool tables and a firepla
lower4
While уоште in Aspen. get the best
paper in town. The Aspen Times, It runs.

rants in

and

into a

also

pstairs
the

ei

an up-to-the-minute guide to night life,
movie performances, skiing conditions
and special events, and it's also a lively
source of local gossip.

Quite a long way [rom Aspen, in
terms of both character and distance, is
Vail, an astonishing, rococo creation of
alleged "Twolean-Swiss flavor that was
built six years ago in a high valley ap-
proximately midway by car between
Denver and Aspen. The drive from c
ther point takes about three hours. The
nearest airport to Vail is Eagle, 35 miles
to the west, and scheduled flights ope
ate daily from Denver.

Vail is what its hard-working PR
people call
variety of accommodation. from sm
dormitory to luxury chalet. There
stores, restaurants, night dubs, а th

Mrs. ]
with her children
Murchison, the Tex
house there.

105 more of a family resort than A
pen; and though Vail has a peculiar, if
contrived, charm and is equipped with
all the essentials for afterski fun and
gamos, it lacks the gutsines one finds in
Aspen. This is probably an i
omission, since Vail prides itself on its
y cleanliness, while Aspen.
ed with laying on a good timc.
ib has NO PARKING signs tacked up on

other wall, whereas Aspenites
their cars wherever they happen to
ad where Aspen's feeling is that
ne town, Vail tends to re
ble à movie s

But if Vail
resort in the
present some of the stiffest challenges,
as well as a variety of terrain. The
skiing is fantastic and that’s why people
go there. There's hard-pack and deep
powder snow, the runs range in length
from one to six miles (Aspen's longest is
two) and there le upon mile of

ntracked snow and huge, treeless bowls
Between them, the bell
two Poma lifts and six
ir lifts carry nearly 8500 ski

nd because some of the best

t year and John
is oilman, owns a

of a ger

isn’t the most swinging
Rockies

its mountains

is n

gondol
double cl
an hour; a
trails and slopes face north, it's some-
mes posible at Vail to ski in June.

Altogether, Colorado has more than

s

1000 pcaks two miles high. They in-
“ийе 53 of the 69 high

st in the United
ous area roughly
The air is
dean and crisp; all E resorts are
geared for speedy, eficient service; and
if its an expensive paradise, to the
skiers who pour in from every corn
the county it is paradise, nonetheless.

T of

PLAYBOY INTERVIEW | (continued from page 150)

to pet rabbits and fluffy chickens and,
like an idiot, I listened. Next thing I re-
member, two guys in white coats were
jamming a thermometer into me and 1
was making like Johnny Weissmuller and
diving into a sink. My first headshrinker
was the great Jivaro psychiatrist Calyp-
so Bwanamakuba. I gave him up fast
when 1 saw some of his former patients
hanging from his belt. I ended up with
a Freudian analyst, but I gave him up,
too, when I walked in on him one day
and found him making love on his
couch. Alone.

PLAYBOY: Some entertainers possess leg-
endary fixations—like a well-known pop
singer who reportedly takes showers
several times a day and insists on carry-
ing freshly laundered money. your
lyses uncover any special quirks?
RICKLES: Several I can never work a
night club that’s on fire—an odd hang-
up, but that’s how it is. I must sleep in
my closet to ascertain that my clothes
aren't plotting against me. I must have
food and drink on any day of the week
ending in “day.” And no optometrist
who has ever memorized the South Ah
can constitution or played bop alto in
the Cedar Rapids Jazz Festival can be
allowed to examine my eyes. I also have
two major phobias—spiders and height;

if I ever had to stand on top of a 1000-
foot spider, I think I'd die. And one less-
er hang-up: I will never use chili-pepper
suppositories unless the seeds have been
removed.

PLAYBOY: "That's the umpteenth anal ref-
erence you've made in this
suggesting a rather sick fixation. Do you
tell enema jokes, too?

RICKLES: I never mention enemas; that's
not my bag. Incidentally, is this how
Hefner gets his jollies? “Hey, guys, let's
get Rickles to talk about enemas!” He
must sit around bedroom in the
nude, humming. With some of the fruity
clothes he wears, he'd be better off.
What the hell can you say about a midg-
ct who sits around in Bunny cars and
trapdoor pajamas screaming, “Don, you
wanna see me play dump truckz" May
he take a high colonic with an open
umbrella.

PLAYBOY: You know, Don, you can dish
out the insults, but can you take it when
some enraged listener strikes back?
RICKLES: Try me, yo-yo.

PLAYBOY. You're . . . you're a terrible
person!

RICKLES: Oh, God, did you have to ex-
coriate me like that? I must call up my
bbi for spiritual solace in this, my
darkest hour.

PLAYBOY: "Interviewer's incisive invective

Че, thus en.
to-five edge
to the top of the ninth." Let's
nue. А man who abuses as many

people as you do must have a good at-
torney. Who's yours?

Rickles: A sharp cookie named Paul
Caruso, who predicted Caryl Chessman
would get off free. Paul thinks the Su-
preme Court is a garden apartment in
unique

downtown L.A. And he has
way of influencing the jury. Du
final summation, he d butes I
ices. 1 once saw Paul get a guy out of a
rape charge by using a shrewd strategy.
He proved that his client couldn't possi-
bly have attacked the girl because at
the exact time the alleged olfense took
place he was selling atomic secrets to
the Russians.

PLAYBOY: You seem to be well fixed in
the legal department. Who steers your
artistic Career?
RICKLES: Joe Scandore,
which shows you how much faith I have
in my own people. Joe has always been
a mite too hungry for that ten percent
commission. He once booked me into
the Roxy Theater in New York City
while the wrecking ball was hitting
the building. He always thought I
worked better in debris. And to this day,
I'm still irate over his booking me into

INVER,
HOUSE

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MES BUHCED SCOTCH WHISKY EIGHTY PRCOF MAPORTEO BY INYER HOUSE DISTRLERS, UTD., PMLA.

215

PLAYBOY

the officers’ dub in Stuttgart, Germany.
PLAYBOY: Why? Some of those Service-
club gigs pay very well.

RICKLES: In 1944? Another thing leads
me to believe he may not be the proper
manager to shepherd my career. Hi
favorite comedian is Tennessee Ernie
rd. I don't question Joe's intellectual
qualilications, though. He did get a mas-
хег in potty training at Syracuse Uni-
versity
PLAYBOY. Your professional life looks
set. May we now delve into your mar-
ried life? Until fairly recently you were
a confirmed bachelor. What induced
you to take the plunge?

RICKLES: It happened when 1 met Bar-
аг, a very pretty brunette who
was a secretary for a big show-business
agency, supplementing her income by
standing on Lexington Avenue in a torn
dress, whimpering, “Paper, mister? Daily
paper?” She’s from Philadelphia, where
their big thrill is watching the Liberty
Bell on hot days, hoping the cracks will
get fused together. She's so quiet I h
ly know she's even with me, which makes
for a blissful marriage.

PLAYBOY: Did you have an elaborate
wedding?

RICKLES: It was an orthodox wedding,
but kind of weird. 1 don't think the
rabbi liked me; he put the wineglass on
the floor for me to step on, as is tradi-
tional at these mergers, but he insisted
that I do it with my shoes off. And the
service was quite prolonged; by the time
it was over I had cheated on her three
times. My family was great about the
whole thing, though; they gave us gen-
crous presents. Her family's contribution
to the proceedings was taking pictures of
my family giving us the gifts; then they
sent my family the bill for the film. Be-
cause Barbara's a little frugal, we took

the economyjet honeymoon trip to
Europe, which consisted of circling
over London, Paris and Rome without

landing.

PLAYEOY: You spent your honeymoon in
Ше air?

RICKLES: Yeah, but it wasn't so bad. We
just flipped the ocevrien switch and
curled up in the head. For some reason,
she was rather hesitant about lovem
ing. She said, in an accusing tone, “I
had no idea you were going to do that.”
But since then she’s become quite sophis-
ticated about love. Her favorite phrase
is, "Let's do that.”

PLAYBOY: Whats "that"?

RICKLES: She feels that when we indulge
in amorous activities we should be in
the same room. It’s a little kinky, bnt 1
go along with it.

PLAYBOY: In preparing for the love act,
do you peruse any sex manuals?
Rickles: Usually 1 go off by myself and
read one to make sure I don't flunk.
Afterward, she grades my performance;
95 is passing. I haven't failed yet.

216 PLAYBOY: You've been married [or several

years now. Has any of the excitement
worn off?

RICKIES: Not at all. Today, just like when
we were married, strange things happen
when our lips meet. My Timex goes back
one hour; the night light flutters in
bossanova tempo; the shower curtain
flings itself open so the tub can watch;
and sometimes my cousin comes over,
looks at us, lights an Olympic torch and
cries, "Let the games begin!”

PLAYBOY: Which sex man do you
consult —Theodoor Van de Velde, Eus-
tace Chesser, Albert Ellis?

RICKLES: The writings of Sonny Liston.
He was always good close.
PLAYBOY: Apart from lovemaking, how
do you spend your time at home?

a round watching
ne. Her fa
old bun with a side
order of lard. She reads all those Ju
Child cookbooks, like 100 Exciting Ways
10 Prepare Salt. On a typical day at
home, the [an magazines would find
us cuddling together as we dice onions
and chat about hemming curtains for
the nursery.

PLAYBOY: Arc you a good baby sitter for.
your daughter?

Rickles: Not bad. Mindy Beth and Т
change each other every four hours.
PLAYBOY: Is she being brought up accord-
ing to Dr. Spock?

RICKLES: Yes, but it's pretty hard to car-
ху a picket sign when yon're teething
Spock’s advice is sound for the most
part, but when it doesn't work, I go back
to my mother's old method: 1 deprive
Mindy of food and water and lock ber
in a suitcase.

PLAYBOY: What kind of future do you
have planned for her?

RICKLES: Marriage to a rich guy with a
heart condition; but with my luck, she'll
wind up a taxi dancer. Just warn Hel
ner that if she ever becomes a Bunny and
lives in his M. ‚ he won't look too
attractive with stumps for hands.
PLAYBOY: The word is that since you be-
came a star you've gone Hollywood with
a snazzy penthouse in Beverly Hills.
Is that slander truez

RICKLES: Don't say penthouse. I prefer to
ay "top floor,” because that phrase
won't make my friends think I've out-
grown them. Which I have.

PLAYBOY: Did you hire a decorator to
furnish the place?

RICKLES: Several. The first one was Tiny
‘Tim's effeminate brother. He nted to
tiptoe through my tulips, so I threw him
out. Our second decorator was а jovial,
burly type in a tweed jacket who pulled
on a briar. Did a hell of a nice job, too;
except I didn't like the way she kept
fondling Barbara.

PLAYBOY: Have you becom patron of
the arts since you started coming
big money?

RICKLES: Yes, I have. While scouring the
galleries for a frame worthy of my 20-
foot self-portrait, I discovered a great
artist, a Dutch genius named Van Gogh.
PLAYBOY: We'll bite. You mean Vincent?
RICKLES: No, Sylvia, his mother—a great
undiscovered talent, Ive added her
greatest. masterpiece to my collection,
the immortal Hair Drier Breast-Feeding
Its Young. A very passionate lady; she
got that from her son, who was once so
incensed at his mistress that he cut off
part of his body and mailed it to her.
PLAYBOY: His car?

RiCKLES: Jf that's what you w.
lieve, go right ahead.
PLAYBOY: Your book collection is the
talk of the liter Do any first editions
adorn your shelves?

RICKLES: Many—children's classics, most-
ly. Like Heidi Is Horny, Porky Pig Coes
Kosher, Little Jack Horner Sits in the
Comer and Watches His Thumb Die,
Doctor Dolittle Goes Both Ways with
the Pushmi-Pullyu and my personal fa-
vorite, Chitly-Chitly Gang Bang.
PLAYBOY: Who runs this soigné house-
hold?

RICKLES: Cockimoto, our Japanese house-
boy, who does а bang-up job but some-
times embarrasses us by staging those
Oriental tea ceremonies. The narcotics
squad has raided us three times. And it's
chilling to see him interrogating my
guests: "Where is your aircraft carrier,
Yankee pigz" Tell that Japanese photog-
rapher to stop pointing that zoom lens

to be-

at my navel. If he wants Okinawa back,
he can have it.
PLAYBOY: What kind of showbiz lumi:

naries show up at your celebrated р
ties?

RICKLES: Mostly animal acts that never
made it on The Ed Sullivan Show. But
Ed should do his own act on that show;
he's the only guy I know who shaves
with his arms folded. I don't want to
knock him, though. He's onc of my
dearest friends, so you know how lonely
I am. His wile, who interprets for him,
is amazing: she's the only one who has
the guts to tell him he looks great.
PLAYBOY: Your clecmosynary instincts
have been lauded throughout the years.
What charities do you support?

: Mostly the Etta Rickles Cabana
Fund, which keeps my mother in
Beach. And the United Jewish
Appeal, of course; although during the
ixday war, for the sake of fair play, I
started a United Arab Appeal drive with
a gigantic rally at the city dump. We
raised damn near three dollars, most of
it in pledges from Syrian bellhops who
work in Jewish hotels. But I knew the
Jews would have to win the war in six
days; after all, on the seventh day He
rested, 100.

PLAYBOY: In your act you talk so much
about your God that many people think

Some of the nicest times people remember are

the casual times...the fun times. At Tumwater, we brew
Olympia for moments like this. -7t& the Water”

He's a personal friend. Are they right?
RICKLES: Last week my motherindaw
turned into a pillar of salt; draw your
own conclusions But to be perfectly
honest with you. our God hasn't shown
up yet; ГІ know Him when He does,
though, because He'll be wearing a top

hat and tails and do a couple of tap
numbers with Moshe Dayan’s daughter
PLAYBOY: How can you be sure He

hasn't appeared already?
RICKLES: Because we haven't had a Jew-
ish President.

PLAYBOY: Would you want to be the first
Jew to occupy the White House?
Rickles: No, I wouldn't want to step
down. I will say, however, that under а
Jewish President we'd never have any
wars. He'd give the enemy a couple
hundred bucks and settle out of court.
PLAYBOY: Still, if you were President,
how would you exercise your power?
Rickles: I'd force Everett Dirksen to
flush out his sinuses on Meet the Press.
Maybe make Captain Kangaroo read
The 120 Days of Sodom to his kiddies
some Saturday morning. And insist th:
Kate Smith sing lead with the Jefferson
ne—naked. And every place I'd go,
ounded with drooling fawners
begging me, “Don, let me go on your
TV show!" But the hell with Barba
family.

PLAYBOY: In April of this yew
ran a series of sardonically witty huru
profiles. Whats your astrologi

PLAYBOY

I was born under the sign of
"Taurus the Bull, which gives me a tend-
ency to charge the audience and gore
, the latter
happens to be Johnny Joseph, a man of
Lebanese extraction, which gives me an
added incentive.

PLAYBOY: Those born
can boast a number of ues
—stubbornness, irritabi in-
sane jeilousy—but nothing to indicate
exceptional intellectual endowment. Yet
you're known to have an inordinate ad-
miration for your own mental powers.
Since they say the stars never lie, do you
think you

under
ndeari

your sign

can believe me when 1 tell you that I'm
brilliant, Let me put it to you this way.
When I retire at night, my mind sleeps

in a separate bed. I get a wake-up call
from the hotel derk at two P.M., but my
mind disturbed until 3:30. Since

my career is predicated on the success-
ful function of my mind, I defer to it in
every way. I would never dare offend it;
it might decide to leave me and relocate
in Sinatra's body. Why should I make
тт а hit?

PLAYBOY: We concede that your mind is
paramount, but we also can't help notic-
ing that your physique has undergone a

drastic change from its elephan
portions of a few seasons back.
RICKLES: True, angel boy. Would you
like to get a room together? The bes
way to describe my new slimmed-down
body is to say that when I sce it in the
mirror, 1 touch and sigh. The mirror is so
jealous it takes the Fifth when I ask it
who's the fairest of them all. You may
fondle it if you wish.

PLAYBOY: That would be sacrilege. We're
told you've shed some 60 pounds. How
did you do it?

RICKLES: I was going to try a crash
but I decided against it when І found
out it called for me to run my car into û
concrete abutment at 70 miles an hour.
Then I wied sitting in a basin of cottage
cheese, but all it did was excite me sex-
ually. Organic foods were my next kick:
breakfasts of Quaker Pulled Pebbles
nd Campbell's Cream of Jeans. Anoth-

inc pro-

to get jobs t
cise, like being
Watts. Then 1 went on
weight-watcher diet, which allows you
y, but I abandoned it
n 1 got 423 phone calls from Fire
Island. 1 finally settled on the famous
Minnesota Mi and Manufacturing
;ompany diet—Scotch tape across the
mouth; that did the trick.

PLAYBOY: Has weight reduction enhanced
your virility, as it h
aged mei
RICKLES: Again with the damm sex ques-
tions? Why doesn't Hefner get his mind
oll smut and go mount a Newton?
PLAYBOY: The reason Hel asked us to
pump you for this sort of information is
because of your reputation for great c
pertise in the field. We were hoping, in
fact, that you'd use this podium,
veteran sexual counselor for thousands
of showgirls, to our readers
with the facts about vari
taining to sex. What can you tell us, for
example, about the legendary ill effects
of autocroticism?

RICKLES: Let me look it up
Let's see—oh, yes, here i
legends are concerned, my research tells
me that prolonged autocroticism will
definitely cause blindness and excessiv
growth of hair. I would say that over-
indulgence in this practice makes one
sluggish and could lead то explusio
from the volleyball team.

PLAYBOY: How about those behind-the-
hand whispers about Oriental women?
RICKLES: They're true, Oriental women
are bu stly different from Oriental
men.

PLAYBOY; Thanks for clearing that up.
We've also wondered whether it’s true,
as popular belief has it, that Greek love
is practiced only by Gre
RICKLES: That's just а Greek myth.

for

my middle

diary.

PLAYBOY: Are you speaking from personal
experience?

Rickies: ГЇЇ have to back away from
that ques

ll mark that down as a
What are your other perversions?
RICKLES: Driving past schoolyards with
the car door open, the back seat loaded
with Milky-Ways and Mars bars, and
calling ont to little girls. I lure them into
the car, sell them the candy at outra-
geous prices and boot them out un-
touched.

PLAYBOY: What other perversions excite
you?

ricktes: Anything Danish—films, porno:
graphic books, girls, coffeccakes. I also
wanted to see that four-letter version of
Uly but I couldn't get the producer
to lend me a print so I could show it in
my bathroom.

PLAYBOY: Couldn't you have gone to sce
it at a theater?

RICKLES: That would take the fun out of
iv Tm a little too old to sit
in the balcony with my coat over my
lap.

PLAYBOY: Do you have any secret сгау-
ings that involve animals?

Rickles: I sometimes
looking at a frog on a wet rock and
watching his neck throb.

PLAYBOY: Did you ever m

nd beside:

become aroused

c it with a

frog?
nickle: Once. It con: c-
tor I had been in the Philippines too

long. On one other occasion, I had a
to attack a chicken, but my
тое! no for two reasons: It
wasn’t flicked, and it wasn't. kosher.
PLAYBOY: Don, you've fielded our tough-
cst questions with engaging frankness,
but now we're going to hand you
blockbuster. Ordinarily, we wouldn't
want to get this personal, but we think
we know you well enough to spring it.
RICKLES: Wait—let me brace mysell.
PLAYBOY: Ready?

RICKLES: Fire away.

PLAYBOY: What's your favorite color?
RICKLES: Look, pal, І didn't mind you
ing me about my private life and
cven my sexual perversions, but this
time you've gone too far.

PLAYBOY: Don't duck it What's your
favorite color?
RICKLES: The way things are going—
black.

PLAYBOY: Another ethnic slur. A racist
с you probably wouldn't even want
his daughter to marry a Negro.
RICKLES: If you were a Negro, would you
want me for a father-in-law?

Good point. Do you think in
age is the solution to the race
problem?

RICKLES: No, I think all we have to do is
make a new version of Gone with the
Wind, starring

idney Poitier as Rhett 219

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Race relations might also improve if we
could get bookies and jockeys to work
closer together.

PLAYBOY: Many young people, black
and white, feel that drastic reform of
our social institutions will be necessary
before ra Justice can be achieved. Do
you have any equally inspired ideas on
how to make the New Politics a viable
force in America?

RICKLES: Would you repeat the question?
PLAYBOY: Sorry to € you. Many young
people, black and white, feel that drastic
reform of our social institutions will be
necessary before 1 justice can be
achieved. Do you have any equally in-
spired ideas on how to make the New
Politics le force in America?
RICKLES: I heard you the first time. I just
couldn't believe you were such а pomp-
ous ass.

PLAYBOY: Don't know the answer, do
you?

RICKLES: Egghead fruit. May your Phi
Beta Kappa key get caught in your fly
during commencement exercises.
PLAYBOY: May we conclude that you have
nothing to say about the New Politics?
RICKLES: I don't have anything to say
about the old politic. As far as I'm
concerned, Nixon is the brand name for
a dog repellent that keeps Fido off the
furniture, Spiro Agnew sounds like a
Rumanian fungus and Johnson is a baby
powder. As for Humphrey, who could
vote for a cartoon character from Joe
Palooka? Besides, who could trust 2 man
who once sold Ch; ‘k right over the
counter in a Minneapolis drugstore?
PLAYBOY: Have you ever taken drugs
yourself?

RICKLES: I tried something called LB]
‘once before I went on stage and the
microphone cord turned into a bullwhip.
sliced me in а key region and 1 finished
my act sounding like Anna Maria Alber-
ghetti.

PLAYBOY: What's your fccling about the
hippie movement?

RICKLES: I don’t worry about them. The
unkempt hippie of today will be the
mutual-fund salesman of tomorrow.
PLAYBOY: A man of your sagacity should
certainly have some notion about how to
close the generation gap. Do you?
RICKLES: I say this: Talk to your kid, see
what's bugging him, give his fears and
desires a sympathetic airing; then take
him into the cellar and we him over
with a rubber hose and I'm sure he'll
come nd.

PLAYBOY: A progressive panacea. What
do you think about the new morality
RICKLES: It’s the same as the old moi
ty except that they put it on film.

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PLAYBOY?
CHANGE OF ADDRESS
FORM

Moving? Use this form to advise PLAYBOY 30
days in advance. Important! To effect change
quickly, be sure and attach mailing label from.
magazine wrapper to this form and include
both old and new address.

AFFIX LABEL HERE

‘ease print)

су State
Mail to: PLAYBOY
919 N. Michigan Ave, + Chicago, Illinois 60611

Zip Cola

PLAYBOY: Speaking of films, you're an
veterate moviegoer. Apart from Dan-
ish stag reels, what kind of movies do
you like?
RICKLES: Anything with Bruce Cabot or
Buster Crabbe. 1 particularly liked a re-
cent remake of King Kong in which,
ing from the Empire State
ding. Kong marries Wray and
they move to the suburbs. But it doesn’t
work out because their sex life isn't all
they dreamed it would be.
PLAYBOY: In addition to movicgoing, how
do you like to rel:
RiCKLES: You'd like me to say I read
LAvBov in the woodshed, wouldn't
you? You're sadly mistaken. I relax by
ing with the bedcovers over my head
and playing “pup tent.
t night during your act, you
n who gasped at your
age, "What did you expect,
m ever
aced to find himself in your au-
dience, what would you do?
RICKLES: Convert, what else?
PLAYBOY: Would you dean up your ma-
terial for his benefit?
Rickles: No, but I'd wear a lightning
rod to ground any bolts from thc blue.
PLAYBOY: Do you think he'd enjoy your
ad?
Gi 3 iS he'd laugh his head oli—

ness. But I don't t
accept the apology.
PLAYBOY: You once remarked Uit you'd
know you'd really made it in show busi-
ness when "that guy in the Kansas

wheat field" would recognize you on
sight. If that day ever comes, how will

you feel toward him? “Now, this exercise is aimed al strengthening. the
RICKLES: If I thought he really and truly eye muscles of all our gentlemen viewers.

loved me, I'd plow his south 40 with my

tongue—two rows at once.

PLAYBOY: Don, because you're basically

a well-meaning pussycat at heart and the night for passage on the Greyhound the greatest cultural series since Ding
because you always conclude your act back te Om. Dong School. р
with a sincere apology if you've hurt any- PLAYBOY: Do you mean to tell us PLAYBOY: But, Don——
one’s fcelings, can we assume that all were insi у RICKLES: Мау the members of his edito
your vicious pillorying of Hef has been gel boy" and invited us up to your rial staff come back from a field trip to
just in fun? room? Tijuana with blue tongues, May all the
RICKLES: It's just my humble way of tell RICKLES: my. You've been — gatefolds of the next issue fall out be
BSEC E ro 1 find you about as attractive fore they get to the newsstands, leaving
E DECIR ne ААЙ Шу as a dentists drill. I was the readers with a thrilling 50,000-word
Eno stringing you along to snap Р essay on Che Guevara's favorite cool
CINCO, Ut Por when I pot you in heat, which I | out recipes. May Hefner leave that a
RICKLES: Mr. Rickles to you. May Hefner O send to your wife, Now that I've less Mansion of his just once to see w!
do a half gainer and land on the head What 1 want from you—the publicity the sun looks like—and get sunstroke.
of the pin he should have written hi; [0m this interview, even in a sixbit l his yachts be lost in the Bermuda
Philosophy on. May his famous Playboy БІС tag like armor you cam go cat ngle. May his entire empire be taken
Club breakfast give his patrons the Aztec — dish О e ME nne E May you over by the board of directors of Jack
TwoStep and may the johns be our of PS Ot and wake up in the bottom and Jill magazine. May all the perform
order when it happens May all the Cublisher of soma. he's (iis Gm Ж his Clubs start telling dirty jokes
Bunnies’ tails fall off from jungle rot. Bis in his Mig recu i a May aster ot bong
PLAYBOY: But, Don— ; PEN break into the Clubs, cat the VIP dinner

reading True Confessions. May his next
тоз. As for you, funky, may I say Special gil turn out to be a special boy, 2" throw up all over the Door Bunny.
from the bottom of my heart that Ive Мау his electronic entertainment room MY God hurl a thunderbolt and
PLAYBOY: Don, has anyone ever spoken

never liked you from the start. You're — shortcircuit with his finger in а socket ү
the kind of toady who bootlicks a star and give him а Rap Brown haircut, May © YoU about your breath?
and then borrows money at the end of ew television show win an Emmy as E 221

ers

PLAYBOY

222

SPACE RESORT continued from puc 98)

to one third of what it is on Earth. Here,
vou cannot float freely, as in the zerog
Dynariums. But you are light enough to
fly under your own muscle power—an-
other un-Earthly experience that only
Astropolis can give you. Current develop-
ments as dissimilar as psychedelic. noi
mmed discotheques and the new West
t centers for training in sensory
eness indicate that the pursuit of
al joy will soon be a
lives. Dancing, sw

ming and flying in near weightlessness
with clectronic light and sound effects
richer than anything now imagined will
make Astropolis a frontier of unearthly
hedon

let or
As sports are-

icipate їп, or
witness, competitive games such as Cori-
olis golf or zerograviry baseball. The

space resort's setup for tennis is in
the spherical Dynarium, which is divid-
ed in two by a net with a hole in its
center. The ball is a soft, featherweight
plaything that must pass through the
hole instead of over tlic net. You move
up and down and back and forth—often
dozens of yards at a time—to get the
ball ro. your opponent. The trick. of
course, is not just the hole but your abil-
ity while weightless to keep from tr
eling too far in pursuit of the ball.
If you feel adventurous, you can get
suited up and go for a tethered walk out-
side ke a spaceexcursion
boat trip. Or, if you'd rather just take
you сап take in the lunar,
d terrestrial scenery from the
rent terrace of your stateroom,

n space; or

tr

or from one of the medium-tolow-g
ion lounges. Here, motion-com-
equipment

obs:

pensated optical sensing
brings real-time color v
screens.

memes
її
S

rm

Your home planc
you, has 15 sunrises and sunsets d.
You can be synoptic, Earth ona
continental or an oceanic scale; or you
can switch to any level of detail—even
1o individual buildings. You can roam
the wild ridges, valleys and peaks of the
Himalayas, the dry expanses of the
American Southwest, the snow-capped
peaks of the Andes. You can see the
shimmering blue surrounding the Aus-
tralian coasts, the fantastic colors of Af-
rica, the brilliant reflections of sunlight
on the polar caps (in scason). You can
study the infinite variety of cloud
patterns above your living Earth and
lace the awesome eve of a hurricane
from the serenity of your vantage point.

Space travel—just as land, sea and air
el- occasionally encounters danger-
vironmental conditions, such as
ion storms and micrometeorite h
In Astropolis, vou are well protected
from it all The entire complex is
equipped with auton rly-warning
alarm systems and an emergency air sup-
ply; and the basic load carrying structure
aluminum honcycomb—min
crometcorite penetration. Inside
heavy layer of polyethylene radiation
shielding with an inner lining of incom-
bustible fluorocarbon plastics. Hotels and
other ously inhabited
made primarily of fiberglass honeycomb.
This minimizes the generation of sec
ondary radiation from captured. prin
space radiation, which is a character
of metals.

Each stateroom has its own shelter—a
central polyethylene tube that you enter
if the decompression alarm tells you that
a large niicrometeorite has punctured an
outer wall. Such shelters are not needed
in other areas of the resort nor in its
interconnecting tubes. The volume of
these enclosures is so large that a punc-

revolving ben

nize:

is a

conti

EVA
mmm

7... Altogether a really unique retirement speech.”

ture causes only very slow decompression,
which, via a pressure-sensitive detection
system, can be located and stopped in
ample time.

Тһе solarflare alarm system signals
several hours in advance the advent of a
solar tion storm. In the unlikely
event of a severe storm, you may have to
don a water-filled jacket and take to the
shelter in your stateroom. (Water and
polyethylene are excellent radiation
shields, since they effectively absorb
high-speed elemental particles) In the
rare case of a long-lived storm—24 to 48
hours у ickets are sufficiently pro-
lective to permit you to leave your
shelter for brief periods of time. Thus,
in Astropolis, everything has heen done
to assure you of maximum safety and
as well as out-of-this-world
relaxation.

rad

eeds our present techno-
ical capabilities, to be sure, but there
are no theoretical problems still to be
solved, so the needed technology is mere-
ly a matter of time. Today's space pro-
gram and other advances now under
re laying the foundations on which
е tourism can become a reality, Pos-
sibly one of the biggest obstacles to the
achievement of that reality is a purely
psychological one, with which the publi

battle.
connoting empt
eternal cold—un

a forbidding word,
nd

ness

PP

rkness and

aling images at

time, and especially so at vacationtime.

PR men of the future would be well
advised to draw inspiration from the
novelist

works of the late scholar and
C. $. Lewis, who painted an
more attractive picture. In Out of the
Silent Planet, the first volume of his
great trilogy, he put these thoughts into
the mind of his interplanet.
nightn long engendered in the
modern mind by the mythology that fol-
lows in the wake of science, was falling
olf him. He had read of ‘Space’: At the
back of his thinking for years had lurked
the dismal fancy of the blac
ity, the utter deadness, which was sup-
posed to separate the worlds. He had not
known how much it aflected

now—now that the very name
seemed a blasphemous libel for this em-
руге 1 which they
swam. He could not call it ‘dead; he
felt lile pouring into him from it every
moment. How indeed should it be other-
wise, since out of this ocean the worlds
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the same room, with the lights on, the
same book or magazine by his side and the
same dressing gown covering his body.
The door would open and Krieses, whom
he knew perfectly well, would come
nd, as he always had, would sit down
bruptly in the chair by the window.
Kricses would look just the same as usual
—the stiff white pelt on his head, those
sorcerer's eyes in a heavy, я
Memory—though he couldn't quite put
a finger on it—told Hal clearly
Krieses had gone insane, but there
not a bit of it here and now. The old
man filled and lighted his pipe and spoke
in the :

He said, "Young Hal"—one of the
affectations Hal had never liked—"I sup-
pose you're aware of the fact that you're
now one of the richest men in this coun-
try and possibly in the world.”
al kept silent, dreading to have to
go through this agai

“I don't know ny millions
you're worth—probably you don't know
yourself at this point, but, as they used
10 say in my day, your fortune is stag-
gering. Eh? Isn't that true? Admit it.” It
always occurred to Hal that Krieses nev-
er conversed with people—he just kept
shoving them. Before he was through
with any conversation, no matter how
l, he had always forced some kind
‘of conlession. Krieses' idea of a good
talk was one or two suspects and a. wall
to push them up against.

how m:

"That Swiss company you own must
be one of the heaviest things in Europe.
If you collected all the stock you own in
American firms, in onc place, you'd make
the big mutual funds look like odd-lotters.
Wouldn't you, son? Wouldn't you? Why,
if they formed a club of the ten biggest
men in the country, maybe the Rocke-
fellers wouldn't get in. but there you'd
be—little Hal D., sitting right up near
the head of the table, the kid wonder no-
body ever heard of."

Hal wanted to say, “Get out; 1 know
you; you're dead. Get out and leave me
alone,” but his voice wouldn't work.

“These past eight years you've gone
through the market like a reaping ma-
chine, haven't you? Except for a couple
of fumbles at first, before you had i
figured, you haven't had а single bust.
Well, son, J don't know every little cor-
ner you've got covered. but I know the
main story. You and I are the only ones
who know it, isn't that right?" His slow,
battering voice was like a headache that
can't be driven away. Hal tried to close
his eyes, but they wouldn't close.

“And I taught it all to you. Admit
1 taught you.” scs leaned for-
ward in his chair and poînted the stem
of his pipe at Hal's head. “Hal, the day
is coming when Ill drop in here—just
Jike this evening—and ask you to pay
what you owe me. And you'd better be
ready.

Krieses always p

d after that and

"Excuse me, nurse. Can you tell me

where my husband.

Oh, never mind."

tamped his pipe in a leisurely way. Then
hed get slowly to his feet and, looking
around the room, seem to stare at the wall
above Hal's desk. “I see that you've still
got Battledore's pistol hanging up there,”
he'd say. "Pretty thing, but you do have
to be careful about loading it.” Krieses
always shut the door, which locked behind
him as he left.

Then Hal would wake up, dreading
to look at the chair where his night
visitor had sat, dreading himself, and
frightened, He sometimes went to the
telephone with the notion of calling
ys stopped short with
a kind of premonition that the receiver
would be lifted and he would hear the
old man's voice: “Young Hal, I've been
waiting for you to call."

Instead, he'd pour himself a glass of
whiskey or take a Nembutal and go to
bed, trying to drug the rest of the night
into nothing. But before he went toward
the bedroom door, he always walked
over and touched the wall above his
desk, to make ceru that the antique
pistol was really no longer there but
locked away in his wall safe in the
study.

y from his Am-
herst room leaving all his books s
the shelves and all the d
four years of college be
joined no graduation

He
parties, said

goodbye to not a single professor or

friend, but got into his old car and
drove to New York. He felt that the
world had been created for him on that
day. Except for his elderly guardian up
п Hartford, he had no family and по
ties. He had $500 in his pocket. John
Kennedy was going to be elected Presi-
dent in the fall. The ear
market lay before hi
With the right word from his guard-
„ Hal had got a job as a margin clerk
at Merrill Lynch—which simply meant
that he watched stock quotations and
sent out telegrams to customers. When
a stock dedincd to a specified figur
those who had bought on borrowed
money either had to write another check
or be sold out. It was a fascinating job,
because, even as a wage slave, Hal was
now close to the greatest fascination of
the world. He developed an enormous
memory for the minutest fluctuations of
the stocks he watched. Moody's Indus-
trials w: serious reading and for
light fare in the evening, he read Bar-
ron’s, The Wall Street Journal, Forbes
nd Business Week. On the evening of
his 2Ist birthday, his gu
Winship—a gray, genteel New nd
voice far, far away—called to wish him
well.
“I hope you've found a decent and

suitable apartment, my boy?” Hal thought
frantically. Decent? He hadn't noticed.

“I gucss so. sir. It has two rooms.”
Then he collected another detail. “It’s
on Thompson Strect and you have to
walk up three flights to get to it."

"I hope you have made some friends?
Young people ought not to be alone too
much in a big city. Very tiresome.”

"Oh, yes. Yes, of course, sir" Hal
couldn't remember having a single con-
versation that wasn't functional; not a
uscless word for months.

“Well, you must go over and make your-
self known to Boyne Parker at the Chase
ttan. Bonehead and I were class
you know. He knows
ht people and he'll show you a
good time.”

“Please don't worry about me, Ar
drew," Hal said. He wondered if Bone
head Parker were still on duty at the
bank at the age of nearly 70. But he
inquired no further,

Once reminded of it, Hal did feel
a litle lonely. So, instead of cating a
sandwich at his desk, he began to go to
the Board Room for lunch. The Board
Room was a dingy luncheonette with
“popular prices,
popular food. It did have two or three
tables where, Hal found. every noon
there sat some hungry young men like
himself —and a few girls, too—swallowing
the poor food amountically bur feasting
and gorging on facts and statistics.

The first time he joined them—he
couldn't resist entering their argument
on Dow theory—they simply made room
for him without looking at him and con-
tinued. A swarthy young man—Hal sub.
sequently learned his name was Dave
Cohen—had taken the conversation, like
an intercepted pass and was running
with it. Hal was astonished at his fluen-
cy and his rapid command of figures.
He was impressed with the way the
square-faced blond guy across the table
picked Cohen up on what he called “ob-
vious and palpable errors.” Hal began to
feel that he was getting into the college
he had never found at Amherst.

It was а college, and an intelligence
network, too. The young men and girls
were scattered in various law, brokerage
or investment offices around Wall Stree:
Dave Cohen, Joyce Flynn, Murray Marks,
Don Fino, Pat Lindbloom—and there was
а very pretty blonde girl, quieer than the
rest. Hal finally found out that her name
was Elena Marsh. All of them were ob-
sessed with the game; like Hal, they had
taken jobs not for future advancement but
to be where the action is. Each was shrewd
and quick-minded. And they were excel
lent. spies.

Hal often as the pea soup slowly
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PLAYBOY

ay. It would begin with an interest-
it overheard that morning at a
bank. Somebody else would throw in a
fragment that he had happened to see
a letter on an important desk not his
own. An obscure article that had ap-
peared in The Wall Street Transcript a
month ago. A likely rumor about certain
side buying. Another piece or two. A
few statistics quoted from memory. Sud-
denly, the whole design would take
form in front of their eyes. Immediately,
everybody began to pull out what cash
he could spare and put it in the center
of the table.

Sometimes the collection was enough
to buy ten or twenty shares. sometimes
it bought only two or three. But almost
every time, the bet was a winner. If the
profit was large enough, they divided it
if it was small, they used it for
at some other restaurant. Out
of these minor windfalls and his $60 a
week, Hal began to save enough for
some ventures of his own. Also, he lost
his head enough to start taking Elena
out Cvery week or so.

When Hal first asked her where she
came from, she said, “I'm trying not to
be from Pontiac, Mid ." She had
quit MSU in her junior ycar and had
come to INew York at just 19. Like Hal,
she lived in a grim cubbyhole ap:
ment; she read Barron's just as avidly as
he did

he believed the same thing; she
breathed the same air. If not golden, it
was at least the gilt-edged air of hope.

То Hal and to everyone else involved,
the Board Room days were ones of ex-
citement, initiation and impatience. Poor
as they were, they lived on the elusive
scent of fortune, and they were inscpa-
rable. Thus, Hal was astonished when
Don Fino—a nervous, sharp-faced boy
who had been something of a math prod-
igy at Stanford—stopped appearing. No-
body seemed to know quite what had
happened to him, though there was
some vague talk that he had been lured
away to a job in Washington, “or some-
thing kind of hush-hush, anyway." It
seemed incredible.

Then one day Dave Cohen was no
longer at his place at the table. And by
the end of the week, they had to assume
that he, too, had pulled out. A tele-
phone call to his apartment house
confirmed. that Dave had left suddenly,
giving his parents’ address in Baltimore
as the place to forward mail. That was
se Dave had
1 ingratiating, dever and a nonstop
talker but because his job at Investor's
Mutual had produced some invaluable
pieces of information.

The fog really settled in when Pat
Lindbloom vanished a few weeks later.
That just about finished the investment

226 pool and, during one morcorless silent

lunch, Hal could see that the few re-
maining members all seemed to be hav-
ing second thoughts about themselves.

“Well, it is tough to get along on sixty
Or seventy dollars a week when you
could be building yourself a career nest
in some nice, big corporation, 1 guess,"
Eler

m sticking,” said Hal. "And don't
you desert, either.” But one Thursday,
when Hal came home from work, thcre

was a note from Elena on his bed.
Hal, dea
school pi t be sore. I've left,

Don't try to get in touch right aw.
but I promise you'll be hearing from me
soon." Hc tore it up and spent the eve-
imlessly атон
Village. kicking any loose thing in
way and damning her. Elena, to be
sure, hadn't much to lose by lea
She had been a chalk girl for a small
Wall Sweet commodity house, and her
bottom-rung job had heen no more than
marking quotations on a blackboard all
day Jong. But Hal had never dreamed
at Elena would be a quitter, too. He'd
just assumed that what all of them used
to call green fever was as strong in her
as in himself.

He worked listlessly for the next few.

weeks and avoided the Board Room,
‘Then, on a Friday, one of his worst days
ince the death of the circle, he came

dragging up the stairs to his apartment
with a bag uf groceries under his arm—
and found Elena there. He dropped the
bag in his doorway.

"Hal, dear!” she and kissed
him. She pulled away quickly. “Leave
that stuif. Pay your rent. Grab those

said

bags and lers get out of here.” Hal
looked at his studio couch and saw that
she had packed all his clothes into h

two beatup suitcases.

“Elena, you've gone off your rocker.
What in the hell are you doing? I'm not
going anywhere.

“Don't argue,” she
by a fire hydrant. TI
andgames weekend if you want to, but.
move. VII explain in the car. This is your
chance of a lifetime, ol’ buddy—it's like
buying IBM in 1938."

Those last words had а deep cmotio:
al eflect on Hal. He moved. He grabbed
the bags and lumbered down the stair
He put $30 into the hand of the as
tounded superintendent. Elena got the
car away from the curb and down the
street just as a punitivelooking cop ap-
pcared from the other direction.

Her driving, though it had plenty of
dash and spirit, lacked a certain finesse,
and it wasn't until they got out of the
Manhattan traffic that Hal began to be
calmer. “Wow! Fun and games all the

id, “I'm parked
k of it fui

way,” he said. “Is this what you meant?
“You have to admit that I didn't hit
anything."

do. And now you have t0 admit
what this kidnaping is all about."

“Wall. first, we're headed for Green-
wich. I think. I'm not too good at direc-
tions. If we get there, we are going to
be house guests at the elegant landed
estate of Mr. Sol Kricses. You recognize
that notorious name, 1 hope?"

“Sure. The wizard. A legend in his
own time. I've heard the tag line "As
wise as Solomon and as rich as Kriescs."
Now. little girl, drop the funny jokes
and pull up at the first comfy-looking
motel that happens along here. I'm hun-
gry. And I need about four vigorous
martin У

"No motel,” she said. “We're quality
folk now. I'm not kidding. We are going
to Krieses, But first I'm going to tell
you a nice story. Shut up and listen. . . ."

Obviously, Elena had the tale pretty
well in hand and—with a few interrup-
tions to curse other drivers—she related
it lluently. It began not with Krieses but
with that fantastic figure of the past.
Abel R. Battledore, the great lonewolf
plunger of the bad old days before the
SEC. He was the villain of a hundred
ed stories about со
ner schemes and panics. He had be:
more often th ncredibly success-
ful—and his monument was the 1933
Securities Act, which many people said
was designed in an effort to put him out
of business. He changed the whole
course of the market ın the years ре-
tween 1900 and 1933. The day after
Black Tuesday in 1929, when b
alue was wiped out
of common stocks in one wild afternoon,
The New York Times threw its heaviest
artillery against him. The editorial laid
the crash to Battledore's short selling.
few years later, when Battledore killed
himself, most people thought that the
Times had ruined his lile, Actually, Eh
na said, the truth may have lain some-
where else. When he died, the old man
owned more than he ever had befor

Krieses was his bright you

ns of

p man, a

protégé Battledore had picked up some-
place. Nobody knew quite what that
involved, because Battledore had been

rumored to be homosexual—but the
there were few things that Bauledore
hadn't been accused of. At
Krieses—brilliant, secretive
nipulator of money in h
had bee

Bauledore had left him almost noth-
ing tangible, which was Вашейоге"
way. There was a small portfolio and
little cash. But the le, tap
pear in the will was Kricses’ education
in market alchemy, the superb mystery
of how to turn paper into gold and gold
into more paper, as the magic
the chart dipped and rose. He prospered.

Krieses was one of those rare, solitary
mien who have no friends. He never gave

born ma-
own right—

“Sit down and shut up. I know what I’m doing. I was
carrying out successful seductions before you were born.”

PLAYBOY

228

advice, never asked. for it and. never lis-
tened to it when it was offered him. He
worked through agents. He would not
talk to the press. Predictably, the adjec
tive “mysterious” usually prefaced his
name in newspaper stories.

By the time Elena had
ished. they were in Greenwich. “I get
Hal said. “He wants to find out all
about that fifty-dollar killing I made in
Chrysler the other day, Thats why he's
asked us up here.”

“Oddly enough." she said, "there's
some truth to that. L work lor Krieses
And he's going to offer you a job, too.”

She turned into a long driveway that
led through tees and finally ended in
ravel semicircle before a massive Vic
an house with а huge porte-cochere.
A liveried servant was waiting tO put
the car away when they got out, and
another took the bags. They walked into
a marble-floored hallway tall enough
and full of enough carved wood. Hal
thought, to make а fairsized cathedral.
Someone guided them through a door.
The room was in dark oak and
it deepened away far bevond the light
of a few table lamps. In front of a two-
story stone fireplace with a carved escutch-
con sat an easy group of young men
and girls drinking and talking. Dave С
hen, Don Fino. Pat Lindbloom. M y
Marks, Joyce Flynn and the rest of the
original group. The whole Board Room
circle geting pleasantly drunk. like m
lionaires. Dave saw him first and yelled.
“Yonder peasant, who is he?” In
minute, they were all laughing, shaking
ands, slapping Hal on the back.
That night. a long, long way from the
Iunchconette, the circle ate roast beef in
onial dining 100m. Bur the conver

nearly

sation wasn't much different in tone—
Cohen ng to talk them all down,
bloom uying to barricade him with
hard facts. At last. with

everybody taking a voice and the whole
thing sounding like a madrigal at times.

the story got told. Krieses—who had all
his meals served in his own sitting room
on the second s a very odd
guy. None of them knew him yet
Strangely enough. he scemed to know
all about them. As far as they could de-
termine, Dave said. Krieses must have
come across the circle by chance.

It was known that Krieses disliked
Wall Street. Years ago. he had owned a
on the stock exchange. but nowa-
days he went to Lower Manhattan only
infrequently. And. Fino put in, didn't it
stand to reison that a guy like that
would avoid fancy restaurants, where he'd
be recognized? Wasn't it more likely that

1 drop around the corner to an ob-
scure short-order joint? And what could
be more obscure than the Board Room?

Of course, of course. Joyce Flynn
said, all that could be deduced, Krieses
must have dropped in on
they were especially

floor—w

bling all those crumbs, threads, stray
fingerprints and pieces of crumpled car-
hon paper into an inspiration. Had it
been their Time Inc. day? No, Dave
interrupted, it was obviously the d.

they psyched Revlon.
matter

But it didn't which. It was
y one of their better moves. Mur-
Marks’ theory—much disputed—was
old Krieses had decided to amuse
himself with a few thousand dollars.
He'd overheard the whole conversation,
had been impressed with the way their
logic worked and had gone out immedi-
ately and bought National Knackwurst
or whatever it was they'd picked—and
some days thereafier found that he
à winner.

Whether that notion was true or not,
one thing was certain, Dave said. Old
Krieses researched every опе of them
right down to the libel in the third-best
suit. Then he must have decided to buy
the team. In his typical secretive way,
he had kidnaped them one by one and
brought them up here to Greenwich.
What was the deal? Just the old Board
Room operation brought up to the big
time. Yes. it was a lot different now. In-
stead of having to gather stray pieces of
research, they now had access to the
Krieses library, which comprised every
thing about the market that ever got
into print. Instead of coming up with
those dogeared ones or lives for their
D pool (three days’ suhway fare or
half the weekend groceries), they'd. rec
ommend the investment of millions. But
Hal wanted ıo know how they could
ever manage it without the old intelli-
gence system. Out here in Greenwich,
they were cut off. weren't they? No. said
Dave. not at all. Krieses had a system of
his own. He paid very well. In his net-
work he had the kind of people who
didn't have to sneak а look at a
conhidential letter, simply because the
letter was addressed to them in the first
Hal didn't have to worry about

place-

The wine was good; the brandy was
old and mellow; the evening ended latc.
When Hal finally went to bed in a neat
Victorian bedroom in the north wing of
the house, there came a tap at his door,
tusle of nylon in the dark and a
familiar touch.

At breakfast the next morning, there
was an envelope beside Hal's plate. It
contained a memo, at the top of which
was printed “FROM KRIESES.” Hal м:

requested to “appear at Mr. Krieses"
study at nine. o'clock.
The second-loor study was ap

proached through a business office that
looked like any other, with desks and
y

g cabinets and three secretaries at
work. One of them let him through the

heavy oak door, and he found. himself in
a pleasant, high-ceilinged room bright

with sunlight from a French door оре
ing onto a balcony. Evidently, Krieses
had just finished his breakfast ar a small

i recovered table. Now he was
tan elegant but unbusineslike
escritoire, reading the second section of
the Times. He looked up with a half
smile to examine his new capture—and it
ude that Hal always

almost

Krieses began to sp
once: it was a contradiction to hear
that rather musical, deep voice, with some
trace of an ancient accent, come [rom the
oxlike, thick man. "Mr. Demeter, how

nd please sit down. 1 don't |

nonsense in bus
have to tell me
or offer any refe

ess, and so you don't
nything about yourself
aces, 1 know all that
Now, I am going to offer vou a job.
I don't have to describe what it is, be-
cause your friends will already have told.
you

“First I am going to tell you w
get—and you can stop right there if it
doesn't suit you. The first year, your ssl
ary will be one hundred dollars а week.
and you will have an expense account.
You will work as part of a small team on
certain investment projects. You and the
others will share ten percent of any
profits when we sell. PH take any losses
myself. Now

Hal nodded, somewhat dazed. For him.
this was almost а religious experience.

"п isn't an armeh: job Vou and the
others will have to travel. You'll look at
plants and size up industries. You'll go
down 10 the Sice, 1 Chicago, Sin
Francisco, Detroit, even overseas. You'll
use your brains to put together every
hundi and every scrap. of information
you get The minute you have some-
you bring it

at yon

get a
yes or no. If it's yes, then
you really get to work.”

By this time, the pleasurable haze
had evaporated from Hal's mind. He'd
got into Krieses’ quick tempo.
"And that means you'll establish

п your own name all around the
y and begin to buy and sell. Th
project will have a master plan—aimed
at what we calculate we can out of
it At the same time, you're going to
be very sensitive to every change in the
wind. And I don't mean when it starts
to blow up from the other direction; 1
mean just the first few minutes, when
the early breezes begin to stir the
leaves. Do you get tl If you do, I'm

finished. Do you want to ask me any-
thing?
"One dumb question,” Hal said slow
“Why us Why did you iake my

friends and me? You can hire all kinds
of experts."

Krieses never really smiled. Some-
nes you noticed a little fissure in the
rock—as Hal did now. "That isn't
dumb," he "ps such а smart ques-

ion I shouldn't.

iswer it. But I'm going

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PLAYBOY

230

to answer anyway, because I give you
«redit for asking it; but I don't think
you're clever enough to know whether
'm lying

“VIL say this—you're a bright bunch of
kids; but what 1 care about is the fact
that you're totally carnivorous. Experts
settle for а good salary and a house
the suburbs. 1 want people who are
going to make the big try. Either they're
going to be Morgan-Ford-Rockeleller-
Mellon-God or theyre going to
themselves trying. I'm buying a ticket to
watch a play. Now, tell me if you think
Ym telling the wuth.”

"Half true," Hal said stubbornly.

The rock split again for just an im-
stant. "T like you," Krieses said. “OK, the
other half. When I was id, I v

picked out of the gutter by a gre
who knew a secret nobody else
have learned it. I want somebody in the
next generation to learn it.

me out into the hallw:
s waiting for him. "I can't say
that 1 got the job,” he told her. “It got

She smiled, took his arm and began
showing him around the house. At the
d of this wing—which was mostly
assigned to offices and Krieses living
quarters—was the library. He was intro-
duced to Miss the full-time
reference librarian, and shown around.
It was an old-fashioned great-country
house sort of library in its looks—with
high shelves, ladders that ran on a тай,
а seconc-lloor balcony and а small spiral
staircase. But the collection was hardly
old-fashioned, Ou the magazine shelves

Anderson.

the

were

iportant financial pub-
The bookshelf sections on
economics, politics, industry, scientific de-
velopments, world commerce—all seemed
to the best and most recent
work:
Hal saw the teletype room, thc room
with copyir chines and microfilm
projectors, and he looked into the vari-
ous offices. His own was just next to the
library and its window looked out on a
sun! is courts be-
yond. "Every morning, when we wake
up." Elena said, “we always look around
nd say to ourselves, “Then it is really
true
The cocktails in the big drawing room
1 the welcome dinner for Hal were
the first and the last of that kind of
social frivolity. Krieses had n
place Bourse House, which was plain
enough and yet unintelligible to most
Americans (there were a good 1
telephone callers who asked for
Bourse") Lile at Bourse House was
cently
nd yet the
on-
aving a tense business discus-
sion over highballs in the afternoon. The
wellequipped kitchen was run by a
good chef and a staff of three; it could
produce the most clegant meal. Yet fre-
quently, dinner in the great dining room
would be served to only two or three—

garden and two teni

a paradox. There were magn
stocked bars on every floor,

the rest had a sandwich and a bottle
of beer brought up to their offices. The.
were superbly tended, but

people seldom walked there. The tennis
courts and the big swimming pool were
sometimes used by the chaulleur

some

“Don't people realize that all this
damned ferment costs money?”

of the maids and the two guards, but
that was all.

Hal found himself racing, even when
there was no reason to race. After his
shower and shave in the morning, he
would dress with frantic speed, mumble
"Demeter—ioast and black coffee. in my
office” into the telephone and stride
down the long, carpeted hallway that
led to the south wing. Once it occurred
to him that he had been in his office
from eight in the morning until two the
next morning. He had talked to Denver,
, Boston, Birmingham and
Zurich. But, except for food orders to
the kitchen, he had spoken to not a soul
the house. On business trips, he never
ed overnight in a hotel if he could
help it; he always got a night flight
back. When he did sec Fino and Joyce
—the two others in his team—it was for
a concentrated hour, with no extra words
and no unbusinesslike chatter. Except
for two or three shared nights, he had
rarely seen Elena since the first day. He
missed her. But otherwise, life was perfect.

On the other hand, i not alwa
easy to understand. Hal had come in
March and it was now nearly Septem-
ber. During that time, his team had
been trading increasingly large amounts
of stock, in recent weeks а volume in s
figures. After they had made their initi
recommendations to Krieses, he would
the nd to buy so many
shares of chis at such and sudi a рис
then without warning would order that
the stocks be sold. Very early, Hal be-
gan to think that Krieses might be
working by the rules of a system, and
у t he had an in-
sight into some part ol its structure, The
orders often seemed so arbitrary, though,
that Hal's pieces of theory never fitted.
together, And there were even stranger
thin

One peculiar
came to a drama

Los Angele

issue comm.

of circumstances
point on an after-
when his team was having its daily
the ference room on
the first floor. They came in to find
a memo Irom Krieses—time-stamped
five minutes before—requesting them to
phone buy orders through their accounts
in Cleveland, Chicago and Memphis.
The shares they were instructed to pur-
chase were those of a large paper com-
pany on which the team had furnished a
negative report.

Jumping Је Fino said,
he see how overvalued that stuff
Earnings were way off last year
they dipped into surplus to pay the divi-
dends. Management is senile and con
fused. And that rumor about mineral
finds on the Canadian timberland is
fraudulent. A deliberate p

“I know, I know," Hal said, "its all
down in black c. I'm going to
tell him.” Furious, he ran out of the

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room and up the stairs to Krieses' office
I want to see Mr, Krieses right now;
he told the secretary.
m sorry, Mr. Demeter, but he's
vesting and curt be disturbed, He has
left à note for you, though,” she said.

Hal tore the envelope open. The
memo read: “I know. I know, son, but I
have my reasons. Do it" It was signed
“K” Thice minutes later, they began to
phone the orders.

Two days later, the stock started to
slip. There were some followup new

stories about the nonexistent mineral
riches. During the next week, it sank
like a leaky rowboat, gradually but su

ly. All of them lost a good deal of sleep
over the calamity and they were hardly
cheered when Krieses phoned Hal to
sell out. He asked the old man for an
interview.

“Mr. Krieses," he said, “in the past si
months, our team has bought around
twenty-five million dollars in stocks for
you, We've been able to sell for close to
twenty-six point four million. I'd like to
point out, respectfully, that these trans-
the advice of my
ч followed in
to that lousy paper company—
we took four-hundred-thousand-
dollar bath right there.”

If a мопеГасе сап ever be sa
used, Kriews was
we made

dollars

actions all followed
team.

However, it

1 to be
ou

mused. "Y

seem.
10 ha

yourseli,"

"And vou haven't lost
Hal. I'm touched by your loyalty

05 more that I just hate to look
stupid." Hal s

“The wisst trick in the world is to
know how to look stupid at exactly the
right time. A lesson that every smart
young man stubbornly resists learning,
n it Hal" Krieses э
Alter that dialog, Hal went outdoors
1 took а long walk, hardly noticing
where һе w red. Into the complicated
he had built up, he was
tying to admit a quite simple and
tagonistic idea, It seemed plain to him
that all of Kriescs decades of shrewd
» instinc
g the market but in some-
patterned formula. That,
according to everything Hal knew, was
preposterous.

ОГ couse.

penny. young

method works, up to

point. The Board Room cire had
own that. And there were indexes—
those arcane economic and market sta-
tistics that the trade papers call "ba-
rometers" and by which you can predict
with some degree of accuracy the gener
al behavior of stocks But you can’t ir
vest in stocks in general—you have 10
pick specific on ter what

And no n

the barometers said about stocks in gen-
eral, any given stock or group of stocks

can м
And sometimes
selves go bad.

ader off in the opposite directio

the barometers them-

No, the game was a random one, like
roulette. Hal would agree that the laws
out in
roulette—bur the trouble was that they'd
reach the mathematical balance long
er you were bankrupted by your system
probably, dead.
ddenly, the source of his thinking
struck him. Wasn't it, he thought, be-
cause he had not the slightest belief in
predestination? Wasn't it because he
ll as a random activity and
the stock market as the epitome of life's
randomness? Undeniably, Hal viewed

world that values, above all othe
things, material wealth, what better way
ve one’s own worth than by accu
їп than anyone else?
iber of the competition only in-
creased Hal's desire to win. At the end
of the game, when everyone counts the
„ Hal would have

ket formula was prepos-
terous. If a formula could work, then
stocks are not random: They are pre-
dictable. And if they are predictable,
then the game goes not necessarily to
the better player but simply to any im-
becile who has the tools—or whatever it
es—io predict them.

At this point in his walk. Hal sat
down under an oak исе and lighted a
aj че. As the flame flickered in Iront
of his eyes, he had an interior flash
of recollection that came to him almost
from a previous life. The science of
tic, he remembered, had isolated
certain formulas that could predict. ran-
dom activity. One of them was the for-
mula that governed. what physicists call
ement. In an empty room,
gas molecules move completely at
dom. But if you let them move long
enough, you can predict quite accurate-
ly how they will disperse. Not that you
can say that molecule X will move from
here to there—but you can say that any
defined part of the room will have
approximately so many molecules in it.
Since molecules move at random,
theoretically possible that all the
room might suddenly cluster in one cor-
ner. And at that point, we'd suffocate.
Bur that has never been known to hap-
pen. When we take a breath, we expect
that air will be present to breathe, Ang
it always

Hal took another step. И the
dom activity of the suff we breathe
ys turns out to be predictable, why
shouldn't stocks be the same? There was
ly no practical analogy here; it all
aded on supposing that the market
ed by its own nature—

n-

and that Krieses had divined thc natural
laws.
This thought contradicted much of

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what Hal had accepted, up to now, as
truth. But Hal was a flexible philoso-
pher. The personal implications of the
idea of a formula he could consider lat-
er. Now he had to examine its practical
consequences. He went home as fast as
he could. It was late afternoon by this
time. He ordered drinks sent up to his
room and he stopped by to get Joyce
and Don.

When they were settled, he told them.
about his conversation with Krieses and.
he added, “A little while ago, I began to
suspect that he works by the rules of a
formula. And now I think I'm sure of
that.’

"You know, I"
myself," Joyce said. "Trouble
mula tells him to drop half a mil
по good reason at all"

“I'm not so sure now," Hal said. "I
begin to have the notion that it's more
complicated than we imagine.
formula has losses built into it.

"Oh, cap," Fino said.

"Relax," Hal said. "Look, we
with just one range of stocks—the listed
ones from S to Z, Saleway to Zenith.
Out of those, we give most of the play
to things like United Air Lines, Stand-
ard of New Jersey and TRW. OK? In
other words, we're running just one
county in the empire. Sometimes we get
orders from the central government that
hardly make sense in our own little area.
Bur we don't know what goes on in all
the other counties and we don’t know the
strategy that directs the empire as а
whole. Maybe one year we have to burn
some of our crops because there's a vast
surplus in other parts.”

They were silent for a few moments,
Finally, Fino said slowly, “And if you
know what the whole map looks like.
there's no reason you couldn't be emp:
or just as wel

That was precisely what Hal had
been leading to, but he preferred to
have the conclusion come from one of
the others. In fact, it was not a condu-
sion but the first link in a new chain of
ideas.

Joyce Flynn said, “Call it a map,
then. A treasure map. The key to the
formula, We all have a piece of it. We
all have worked together before. Now
we havc the kind of org
disposal that we never dreamed of then.
But the important thing is that all of us
now have some capital to play with.”

“And, if you were thinking along
those lines,” Hal said, “you might even
imagine a shadow empire, imitating all
Krieses’ moves. Wherever he invests,
there might also be a second account,
duplicating his transactions in another
name. But there would have to be abso-
lute honesty about the money itself, Not
a penny could ever be dipped out of the
big one to help the little one.”

“One reservation,” Fino said. “The

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shadow empire would avoid those deals
all of us agree to be certain losses. We
don't know that your theory about the
builtin loss is right. Anyway, the little
empire couldn't afford. them."

During the following weck, Bourse
House was somewhat more gregarious
d been before. Three people
might be seen walking on the far edge
of the artificial lake. Two men might be
on the tennis courts, dressed in
white and apparently getting a little ex-
crcise. A small group got up a noontime
picnic in the old apple orchard, Hal had
insisted that all approaches be made in
small groups and that they look as nor-
mal as possible. The main thing was to
keep Krises from suspecting.

Just as Hal had hoped, no one was
opposed; most of them were enthusias-
tic. It was a little like the conspiracy of

the old Board Room days and, though
they were gratified by the steady ap-

preciation of their bank accounts as they

worked [or Bourse House, the rigid sys-
tem dictated by the old man irked them
1. Dave Cohen had once said, “There's
nothing more contemptible in the whole
world than a little m 7 And
they'd all agreed. Under Krieses, they
could become little millionaires.

Gradually, with the absolute disci-
pline of a good espionage network, they
began to put the scheme into practice.
Hal had been appointed the untitled di-
rector, and reports from all teams flowed
in to him. The reports were kept abso-
lately skeletal and functional. As much
as posible was committed to memory
and passed on orally. What couldn't be
handled that way was disguised as а
Boune House report—with only a word
misspelled someplace in the first par
graph as a key to denote it as a Board
Room paper.

Hal worked harder and later t
ever. The carly success of the scheme
seemed to give him—seemed to give all
of them—more drive than ever. It wasn't

“Of course I'm very flattered and pleased, but believe
me, Kenneth, Mother knows best.”

long before they were delighted to see
another of Krise’ obvious miscalcula-
tions—in a company that processed food
on the West Coast соте to the expect-
ed failure, while their selected good bets
did handsomely. Strangely enough, with
Ш his new knowledge of the entire
Krieses game, Hal was still unable to
decipher any more of the system. With
some relief- because it didn't fit into his
world view—he began to abandon his
notion of the master formula. It seemed
more and more that Krieses was simply
a shrewd speculator who was bound to
profit in any market, simply because he
had a lot to invest and because he spread
his investments around. Don Fino ar-
gued persuasively that this was exactly
the case.

One Monday. Hal had to take a
to Washington. He had been exhaust

himself over the past week and, when

he got on the shutle to return from

ashington late in the he slept
ugh the whole short trip. As usu

Bourse House car met him at the
and he slept again during the
Greenwich. It was late when he fi
ved and Bourse House was dark ex-
cept for the dim hall lights. As he let
himself in, he suddenly remembered a
piece of work that had to be done be-
fore his meeting with Fino and Flynn
the next morning and, somewhat against
his sleepy will, he decided to go to his
offe and put down а few notes.

He went softly along the corridor of
the south wing, taking care not to dis
turb the total silence of the house. He
had a kind of superstitious respect for
ice itself and, pushing his typewriter
aside, he wrote the notes in longhand,
then rose and started for his own room,
But just as he began to slide his door
open, he heard the quiet opening of a
other door down the hall, and he
paused. Some instinct suggested to him
that this was Krieses' office door, and he
immediately wondered who might be
coming out of the old man's office at this
me of night. He left his door ajar and
peered through the crack.

In the dimly lit hall, he could see a
woman. She was shutting the office door
with immense care—and she was ob.

iously not Miss Miner, the old man's
chief secretary. Miss Miner, he w
not wear that kind of short,
transparent nightgown with a filmy sort
of robe pulled over it. He was eve

surer that Miss Miner, under her daily
woolens, did not possess the charming
rounded effects that he could half sec. A
romantic lady spy

She came down the hall silently and

ito the scope of the low night light that
burned just a few yards away from
where he standing. She Ele
And what she was carrying in her hand
was not anything stolen from Krieses’
office but а gossamer bit of undercloth-
ing—her own. Hal felt sick and furious.

to take hold of her,
nger and the exhaustion made
him dizzy. He could only put his fore
head against the door frame until the
izziness passed. When he looked up
gone.

utes later, Hal must have
gone back to his own room, pulled off
most of his dothes and fallen on his
bed; but he hardly remembered doing
that, he was so worn out and dazed by
what he had seen. Н w fternoon,
when he awoke. He got up, bathed and
then ordered something to eat. As his
mind slowly began to function, he tried
to work out some logic for the emergen-
cy. The first thing was to shut off his
personal feelings. He had never really
formed any clear idea of what Elena
meant to him or of what he meant to
her. They'd enjoyed the harmony of sex
and the harmony of ambition, but he'd
never thought beyond that. Now, what
he'd been too simple to see had been
shown to him—Eh had an ambition
far beyond the gradual one the conspir-
acy offered. And she was willing to go
to bed with the old toad just to further
it. He got in touch with Fino as quickly
as he could and they met in а grove of

pines on the far side of the artificial
lake.

no sat down on the ground, Hal

Elena has been seeing Kr
trei. Te luk to me very m

i
he knew something about Hal's relation-
ship with her and he didn't question the
news. With a bitter expresion, he
stared at the lake for a moment. Then
t. We need a quick sur-
vival plan. We're dead if the old man
can prove anything.” "This was one of
the characteristics Hal liked best about
everybody in the Board Room group.
They had never wasted a moment plac
ing blame or mourning losses. They
moved on instantly to the fact of the
changed situation. That was the mark of
professionals.

The motion of piecing together
Krieses' formula, if it existed at all, had
to wait. The first order of business was
suspending the shadow empire, and
ino and Hal outlined the plan for liqui-
dating its holdings. Fino took the assign-
ment of passing out the orders to the
others and Hal said that he'd wy to find
out what Elena had told the old man.
Hal's assumption was that Krieses would
never do anything so direct as calling
them all in and firing them; rather, i
would be a much more serpentine kind
of revenge, The most likely thing would
be that Krieses would determine the
stocks in which his assistants were most
heavily committed, then quickly dump his
own holdings in those. If he liquidated

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suddenly, he could run the prices
down sufüciendy 10 ruin the shadow
empire.

Foreseen, that could be guarded
against. Hal's own assignment, he thought
s he walked slowly back to the house,
s considerably harder. He couldn't
ase Elena directly. If she had be-
trayed them, that would be the surest
way of leiting Krieses know that they
were now alerted.

As the twilight settled outside his
indows he sat in his room with a
drink and tried to make some fragments
of an idea fit together. If he were to get
a third person to tell Elena some inter-
esting piece of information about some
avestment, with the proviso that it be
kept secret. . . . And if he should then
put a watch on during the night to see
if she carried it to Krieses. . . . But that
was hardly practical. She could always
sce Krieses by perfectly normal appoint-
ment during the day

Hal ordered. ndwich and sat for a
long time, trying to think of Elena as no
more than an enemy who had to be
dealt with and trying not to think of her
n other ways. Finally, he dozed in the
chai

He awoke to a тар on his door and,
looking in that direction, he saw a white
envelope slide under it It contained a
memo from Krieses: "I want to see you
at 11 р.м." All of Hal's nerves suddenly
pulled taut. Showdown.

Like an awkward amateur, he had
underestimated the old master. Stupid
Hal He had been thinking two moves
ahead, while the real player had swiftly
run through the whole course of the
game to checkmate. He put on his jack-
et, combed his hair and carefully tied
his tie. In the mirror, his face looked
white. He knew that he was about to be
taught a disastrous lesson, and he knew
that he was going to have to accept it
without a word. Oddly enough, the only
thought that gave him any comfort was
the certainty now that he had lost
st the most uncanny champion

w

Sit down, son,” Krieses said in very
ordinary voice. He was sitting in his
study under the light of a single floor
lamp, looking just as always. But it
would be a mistake to think that he'd
ever show any sign of anger or revenge.
"Do you know what this is” On the
ble beside Krieses, Hal saw am
old-fashioned pistol. He felt a sudden
ilvsis of nerve. In none of his calau-
ions had he ever сй that. the.
man would ki nodded very

I don't think you do.” Kr
“Irs a collectors item of con
value. Its a fine Hintlock duel
made by the famous Joseph Manton of
London around the beginning of the
19th Century, A later owner had it con-
verted 10 percussion cap. At any rate

has a history, as well as a. pedigree. It
belonged to Battledore. Battledore got
it from the elder Morgan, the old J. P.,
who got it from Fiske, the railroad man,
who got it from one of the greatest—old
Jolin Jacob Astor himself, You might
Ш it a financier’s pistol. It has a pretty
big bore, do you see?" Krieses pointed
the muzzle toward Hal, and Hal sat fro-
zen in the chair. “Batuedore killed him.
sell with it.” Krieses said. Hal had never
expected this awful kind of joking.

"Then Krieses said. “It’s the only thing
in my will 1 have left to you.” They
were both silent for several minutes.
Пу. Krieses looked up from the
thing on the table and said, "Do you
want to ask me a question? Гус had a
sense that there's a question been both
ering you for a long time.

Last request? Hal felt desperate. He
had begun to try to estimate the dis-
lance between his own hands and the
table and to wonder how good the old

man's reflexes were, Perhaps throwing
something first and then. . . . "I do
have a question," Hal said. “I've been

wondering for months about this—do
you really have a system for the market?
Or do you play by experience and in-
stinet? Sometimes I think one way and
then, when 1 sce some losses that can't
be explained, I think the othei

Krieses showed that odd, brief crack
that Hal had always supposed he meant
far a smile “Vou worry about the fun-
damental questions, young Hal,” he
said. “Some people who do that are pen-
niless philosophers. And the others who
do it are very powerful men.” As Krieses
went on, Hal realized that his fears
about the gun were ludicrous. He had
Jet himself panic. The old man showed
not the slightest sign that he had called
Hal in for a denouement

Kricses continued. “As for a system,
det me say that an old teacher of mine
inspired me to build one up. 1 did. Do I
know whether there is such a thi
perfect system? 1 don't. All 1 know
that Гуе been able to put together
a complicated thing that scems to work
just about every time. You've doubtless
been trying to figure it ош. And. good
But 1 hope that you'll never
get right to the center of it and discover
the final secret. Stop before you do that,
Hal. Money buys a lot of happiness, in
spite of what fools say."

He had never known Krieses to be so
meditative. There were gaps of two or
three minutes in the conversation. Final-
ly, Krieses said, "You know. I have the
loveliest gardens for and I
don't care for flowers. I can ask for and.
get the best food, but I've never in my
lile really tasted what 1 was cat
can buy anything, but I don't want any-
thing.”
sn't that a contradiction to what you

Tuck to yor

les arou

"Not for me, it isn’t,” said Krieses.
“And now it's getting late and I still
have things to do. So good night, young
Hal" He offered his hand and they
shook very formally.

At two o'clock in the morning, Hal
heard footsteps along the hallway and
he got out of bed to see what was the
matter. The bright lights were on in the
south wing and people were shouting.
He ran down to find a small crowd of
servants around the door to the old
man’s office. He went inside, having had.
a premonition of what he would see.
And he saw it. Kri still sitting in
the armchair; the Manton pistol had
fallen to the floor. Hal would never have
dreamed that the old man had so much

blood in him.
Some years later, Hal looked back on
his actions of the subsequent few days

ain amount of shame, It
was true that everyone clse behaved just
s badly. But it was also true that Krieses
had never shown personal ailection for
y of them. And it was true that all of
money was left to a couple of foun-
dations. Yet, it was probably wrong that
the servants were the only ones to ap.
pear at the simple graveside ceremony.
"The members of the Board Room group,
by this time, were scattered in a dozen
ics. quickly liquidating the shadow
empire before the effect of Krieses’
death could shake the main structure of.
their holdin The Kriescsowned stock
in their names would, of course, revert
to the estate—the old man had made
that certain with iron legal bindings
belore the enterprise had begun.

The final meeting of the circle was a
cold ceremony. It was held in one of the
Bourse House conference rooms and
Dave Cohen acted as chairman. He
stood behind a lectern and read the last
financial report, giving an accounting of
the profits from each transaction. Elena
sat None of them had spoken to
her since the day of Krieses’ death, and
when it was necessary, Cohen referred
to her as “Miss Marsh"—as if she weren't
present.

When it was over, there was formal
handsh ig all around—it was as if
rs had met for an hour and, with
their business concluded, were impa-
tient to be olf. All of them had a new
life waiting somewhere else. No one said.
goodbye to Elena and, when they 1
filed out the door, she was left in the
room, still seated in her chair.

Just as he was getting into his c
Hal stopped. He turned and went b
to the house. Чач moved.
ses what we

were doing,"
old man killed himself because he
couldn't stand to see his students beat
him.

"Neither one is

true," Elena said,

without any tone in her voice. “They're
all money-making machines now. They
couldn't understand anything human.”

“I know that you didn't give us away:
I believe you," Hal said, and paused,
"Did Krieses tell you about his system—
the puzzle we were never able to put
together?”

Elena opened her handbag. “This
note was in my mail the next day. He
must have written it just before he
died." On Krieses' familiar memo pa
were typed the words:
ME.”

That night. Hal moved into a mid-
Manhattan hotel. He rented office
and, within a few days, he was able to
find a secretary and two assistants—
young men he'd known in his Merrill
Lynch days. Armed with the knowledge
that Krieses had given him just before
his death—that the old man did have 2
system— Hal set about devising his ovn.
The mainspring of the formula Hal
finally produced was strong and simple,
based on many things he had learned
from watching the Bourse House strate-
gy. Among holding companies—those
firms whose sole business is that of own-
ing shares in other companies—there is
a special type called closed-end invest.
ment trusts. Because their held sharcs
have a very specific value—as reported
in daily newspaper quotations—the val-
ne of shares in such trusts сап he rom-
puted exactly, according to the trust's
assets. Usually, however, the market
doesn’t value these trust shares precisely

—they might have a price either higher
or lower than their actual v. a
suspected that there is a relationship
between the premium or discount the
market places on the value of these
holding companics and the future course
of the market itself.

Hals discovery was a way of using
this information to predict how the
Dow-Jones Industrial Average—that fa-
mous measuring stick of the market's
ups and downs—would perform. And it
seemed to work. Looking back over the
market for the past five years, he found
that it would have been unerring. Thus,
all Hal had to do was watch his formu-
la; when it indicated “buy,” he would
purchase equal dollar amounts of all
the 30 major companies included in
the Dow-Jones. When the formula said
"sell." he would dump all his shares and.
go short.

As Hal ‘pected, this didn't have
either the excitement of those educated
guesses in the Board Room days or the
kind of imperial Hamboyance of the
Krieses ега. It also meant Hal would
have to come up with a new view of the
game itself—though he vowed to pos
pone this unpleasant effort, pending real
proof of the formula's effectiveness

The formula was effective, and the
money accumulated. Hal began to ap-
proach the level he had set for himself
$20.000.000 in investments—with а
feeling of dissatisfaction. To be sure. he
climbed above the scruffy “little million-
aires.” He had his own compan
board room of his own with a number of

а

MARTY MURPHY

“Tell me that dirty part again, when you made out

with nine guys at the same time. . . .

PLAYBOY

employees. H
as a high-priced decorator
could make it, He owned land and а
beachhouse on St. Kitts and. when he
felt restless, he flew to Paris for a week-
end with a lovely and amiable girl who
п apartment Hal maintained

top Moor apartment was

there.
He had occasional parties and siw a

few people—but he made sure that th
were all people who couldn't tell a de-
benture from a hot dog. In fact, he
Knew no one. He heard occasional news
of his old friends, Dave had done well
in California and had bought a seat on

the Pacific Coast Exchange. Par Lind-
bloom had bought into a bank. Don
o was now an executive in RCA—

they occasionally had lunch together.
But he had never been able to find out
what had happened to Е

He had just come back [rom Boston
one October day when he got the first
signal that his system might be going
wry. It was very faint and distant, and
yet it was clear to Hal. On one large
transaction, he had made somewhat less
than he had calculated. Tt was not a
great percentage—yet, it indicated some-
thing a little wrong with his formula,
something peculiar.

Hal had long ago foreseen such a pos-
sibility and had prepared for it, He had

238 made connections with a very discreet,

highly speci
that operated only in the world of
finance. When Hal went to see them. he
gave them a list of the various brokers
he used around the country and asked
for a report on whatever specific trans-

actions they may have made on their
own.
‘The findings that were reported eight

were ominous. When he had
Krieses, Hal had spread the
investment accounts among
brokers. When he had set up his own
operation, he had reduced the list to a
half dozen, the men he most liked and
trusted. He had carefully kept all deal-
ings sep and none of
had any reason to know of any other
Demerer account.

Nevertheless, just because he'd given
ch one a much greater portion of
his trading, each bet
idea of his deals. What the guor
had now uncovered was that somebody
unknown—names didn't matter here
had pooled the knowledge available to
his Boston broker and to his Chicago
broker. Somebody was marching him
order for order and even, from the evi-
dence, helping others matdi his orders,
too. They were sharing Hal's gains and
fouling up the market, The estra players
were aming imo the ellecüv
Hal's system.

days later
worked for
about 30

these

rate men

would have

пус:

ness of

The realization struck hard. Hal felt
ted with his anger. He
called for his car and had himself drive
home from the office. Once in his apart
ment, he found that he was gasping for
breath. The anger had changed to p:
ic It was the second time in his life he
had been frightened, so frightened that
he had no notion of what to do. He
could feel himself sitting inert with
dread in the study ch nd he could
sce Kricses’ brown hand on the coffee
table toying with the antique dueling
pistol. And now someone was secretly
using him, just as he had once used the.
old man.

He took several sleeping tablets, but
it was some time before he could knock
himself out. Just as the drug was finally
taking effect. he had a queer, dreamlike
sensation of climbing a long flight of
stairs. He was curving something heavy
and, though he didn't really want to get
to the top of the stairway, he had to
plod on. Then he slept.

But in the early morning, when he
slowly awoke, the strange sensation of
that laborious climb was still with him.
He shook his head and slowly sat up in
bed; and as he did that, he came at last
to the top of the stairway, to an open
door and to someone who was waiting
for him, He sat on the edge of his bed,

too astonished to move.
Then he picked up the bedside phone
and dialed а number t Mr. R:

dall" he said. "Hello, Randall, this is
Demeter. I want to tell you that I'm
much pleased with that y you did
for me. Now I've got another request. 1
need to find and contact а certain M
Flena Marsh, who used to work with
me at Bourse House. I've lost track of
her whercabouts, but she’s undoubtedly
still in the investment business some
where. Give it top priority. Find her as
soon as possible. ГИ pay all you
speed and ГИ give you a bonu
get her here for an interview
twenty-four hours. Wha

within
s that? Oh, tell
her I want to offer her a top position. I'll

better anything shes making now. In
fact, she can name her own figure. Let
me know as soon as vou cam."

"You sent your secret agents to kid-
nap me," Elena said, when she ap-
peared ar his door just after five that
afternoon, "But, since T kidnaped you
once, 1 1 to come without a
struggle.”

She hadn't changed much rly
six years. Her face was as fresh and
handsome as ever. IF there any

change, it was that she seemed slightly
more hesitant, less confident than he
remembered her,

He took her into the living room and
made martinis. Then he showed her
around the vast apartment, trying hard
to be interesting about the antiques he

didn’t care for, the paintings somebody

else had bought for him and the
full of leather-bound classics he
never opened.

When they were seated again on the
sofa, Elena said, “Hal, I was really
touched when that man Randall called
with your message today. I thought
we'd written each other olt at the end of
the Krieses thing. I don't know how you
found out that [am down on my luck—
pretty badly, at this point. But Im
grateful that you did. And I certainly
could use a job."

Hal, who had expected to have to
make all the difficult overtures, was
neatly surprised. But he got over that
quickly “I owe you a lot Elena.” he
said, "and this is the least I can do. I'm
going to offer you a share in my opcra-
tion. Гуе done extremely well, and so
will you. Now tell me about yoursell.”

She proceeded to give him some idea
of the past six years—shed had some
lousy breaks, she said. She'd been spec-
ulating in mercantile commodities on
the unregulated exchanges—first very
profitably in silver and then with succes
sive setbacks in cocoa. sugar and plati-
num. Getting more and more desperate,
she'd seen her Krieses-days capital dissi-
pated in heavy losses.

Over a few more cocktails, Hal spoke
about various incidental things in his
own lile, avoiding the crucial subject.
Finally, he took her into the dining
where an excellent dinner was
ready for them. Hal customarily had his
meals sent up from a hotel restaurant
nearby, but tonight he had imported a
cook. A very expensive cook.

Over brandy and collec, he began to.
approach the subject, He didn’t tell her
how his system worked—she would
probably figure that out herself eventu
ally—but he did tell her everything else.
She made one or two perceptive com.
ments. At last he was ready to bring the
story up to date and, as casually as he
could, he said, "Now, there's a little tur
bulence showing up. and the first thing
I want you to work on is a trouble.
shooting job." Then he gave her the
details of the investigation and the imi
tative purchasing. He tried hard not to
seem under pressure. “We've got to do
something to counteract them. I've been
thinking of those two brokers out,
getting clear and setting up in other
places.”

He looked at her sharply. He was
glad to see her shake her head, because
he already knew that this, the only rem-
edy that had occurred to him, was no

rary
had

room

good.
“They're not onto my system," Hal
said. “АП they suspect is what I once

suspected about Krieses—that there is a
system. In that case, you don't have to
know what it is, you simply copy its
moves."

Elena put her head in her hands.
"Something you just mentioned. It's

bothering me. Something I can't re-
member about the way Bourse House
worked. It was a hypothesis, I think,
that never came to anything."

“I once had a theory that Krieses’ sys
tem was a myth—that he was no more
than a very smart and very rich gam-
bler. Do you mean that?" Hal asked.
Elena shook her head. Hal had picked
up the cork to the cognac bottle and he
played with it as they sat silent. Then
he dropped it. The cork rolled away. He
got down on his knees and looked under
the coffee table and under the sofa, but
it was gone. “Write it off as a loss,” he
said.

She straightened up suddenly. "Losses!"
id.

God bless уо
Krieses’ mistake

It was obvious, Elena said, that Hal
had to take a few heavy losses. And the
broker sheep would follow along and be
sheared. Those losses, Hal said, would
have to be mixed with a few modest
gains. His system had to look—from the
brokers’ viewpoint—as if it had outrun
its luck and had got into trouble. They
were suddenly so drunk, not on the co-
gnac but on the idea, that it seemed only
natural to pull off their dothes and go
to bed.

she
Loss

Hal said.

Just one year and three months later,
it was all over, Elena thought of
what had happened as "the crash." It
was the day her own DJA stepped into
the open elevator shaft. Then she wor
dered why something that would have
been human and personal to anyone else
came so readily to her mind in the inan-
imate terms of the market. If you played
the game long enough and hard enough,
did you lose identity as a player and
become part of the game itself?

It was mid-January and Elena was
about to leave Paris on a night flight.

She was early at the airport and, in
the bar at Orly, she ran across Dave
Cohen. A fatter, very prosperous, bald-
ing, somewhat less pompous Dave Cohen.
With the second drink, he explained
that he'd just been through a cutthroat
divorce, He'd given himself a couple of
weeks on the Cate d'Azur to try to heal.

Then, when their flight was called,
they sat together, talking on through the

dark hours about the past days at
Bourse House and all that had occurred
since, Elena found herself, high over

the black Atlantic and enclosed in the
strange monotone of the jets, breaking
the silence she had sworn to herself.
5 I heard that you were back
working with Hal,” Dave was saying. "I
still can’t believe what happened. He
was a monster of success. He made it
like nobody else. Even Krieses
“Hal wasn’t а monster;
sharply. “When 1 first met hi
a good person, a good man.
"Well, he was a good computer,”

said
he was

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PLAYBOY

Dave said. “A mind that clicked twenty-
four hours a day. And a heart like Fort
Knox. I'll never forget how he outfoxed
old Krieses Then the old man killed
himself. And with you—when the rest of
us were willing to give you the benefit

of the doubt. Hal dropped you cold."

“He
broke. I was р
but

found me again when I

was

Hal for

You don't
As she Elena
again standing. t of Ha
door, miserable and uncertain whether
or not to can't quite cxplain how
he struck me when I saw him again,”
she said, "Gray. His hair was beginning
10 get gray, but that wasn't really it. It
was as if he wasn't with vou most of
the time. Left for parts unknown. Oh.
he was very polite. First he showed me
round the apa rich furs
lots of books in leather bindings, Or
enal antiques, a couple of Brueghels.
Somebody scemed to have put them
there when he wasn't looking. The place
might as well have been empty.

At first, she'd thought it was some-
thing about secing her again—a remote-
ness that incredible success might feel
for failure, Then she began to feel that
it was less definite thi
transformation she could not even begin
to comprehend.

“Suddenly something happened.” she
id. "We were having collec and bran-
dy afier dinner and the young Hal came
back again. Even his voice. It was as
founding. You remember what an edge
. that kind of uncanny

Well. as it came ош. he
ger for the first t s
It was almost as if he had invited me
back to get an audience for it. Some-
body was fishing in his waters.” She de-
scribed the operation of the Boston and
Chicago brokers.

“And he wanted you to help him
Dave asked.

“L don't think so. Actually, that’s what
he pretended. He rigged the whole con-
versation around some talk about that
elaborate system old Krieses was sup-
posed to have had, until we came to the
point when I had to say "losses. "The
Krieses system had been burglarproof
because of its builtin loses Hal must
have had all that figured, but he wanted
me to say it. For that, I got a good job,
a share of the action and quite a lot of
money. All for being the only one left in
the world Hal could really talk to.

“So what happened with the brokers?”
Dave asked. "You know, all that ta
about Krieses system is a lot of dreck.
Money plavers are the most superstitious
people I know. You cither have the
Midas touch or you don't."
or those who believe in it, there is a
1 said slowly. “The rest of
I always be poor. Comparatively

tment

anticipat

240 poor. We don't try to draw perfect

nd, because we know we
an't. They know they can. What they
don't know is that a perfect circle is а
kind of zero.”

Dave laughed and took Elena's paper
cup. "You've lost me. Here, have anoth
er drink and tell me how the broker
business came out."

So she told the story. The day à
her return, she'd taken charge of ili
trapment plan with а zest and command
she thought she'd los; and in about
three months, it was over. n, the
Boston broker involved. followed the
Demeter lead to buy very heavily
profitable data-processing company
Southern California. What Ryan did
low was that the shares he bought for
Hal were being sold,
where. After a few

icles frech:

h it. In the meantime, Hal him-
self 1 phoned Alterheim, the broker
in Chicago, to buy into a spec
tion in a Pennsylvania company that
was rumored ready to make a break
through in irradiated-food w
terheim snapped at the bı
some more telephon A week lat
the Times carried a story about the
work of an eminent scientist who'd been
put in charge of the company’s labs.
The Chicago group plunged with more
than 52.000.000 all lots, the De-
meter « in to sell through
vther al began selling shore
just about the time the eminent scien-
tist, well paid for his furlough, returned
to UCLA. That interesting fact was
quickly followed by a rumor that the
FDA was highly dissatisfied with the pos-
sible side effects of irradiated food.
The stock, which had been at 86,
dropped 20 points in a week. It leveled
oll at 2214
was in deep trouble.

It was Elena who formulated the pol
cy that from then on, at least ten perce
of the yearly Demeter profits would go
into what they agreed to call “diver-
sionary transactions." And it was Elena
who insisted on perfect staffwork and
who checked everything. herself. She su.
pervised the gradual decentralizing of
Hal's assets and brokerage agents. She
urged him to buy what turned out to be
his most useful channel—the Swiss firm.
His orders now filtered back from Ju
ncau and San Juan, Cedar Rapids and
Quebec. Brokers had watched the dow

Ryan wi

. Hal made

calls.

оа

fall of Ryan and Alterheim and had
grown cautious, They put Hal down as
lucky eccentric.

After the story, Elena and Dave were
silent for a long time. The plane droned
on through the gradually lightening
wastes of air toward the Newfoundl

coast. In a kind of somnambulistic voice,
Elena said at last, "You know, I have
slept with only two men in my life. I've

always had this tl
wealth. Гуе alw:

ng about enormous

wanted it more than

always know

ng else, and Ive
Td. never really reach it. Well, women
have а way of getting hold of their u
attainable thing—whatever it is, talent,

brilliance. money—for a little while, at
any rate. They cin make it part of them
for the moment. Do you understand?

That evening. ГА been
Kricscs about some business or other
nd he took a drink with me. Then
another. 1 don't think he often drank
much. t scem to know what

talking with

bed.

“I know it absurd to say. Ir
s. T had an obsession like th:
ed to sleep with a billion dollars.
It isn't absurd, though. when other
women do it for much lesser things. So I
did it. 1 got the old man 10 drink and I
got him to bed

Dave muticred something and stirred
a little in his seat.

“You still don't know the secret?” Ele
na continued. “Let me tell you. A multi-
billion dollars isn't а man, it’s a corpse.
There is гем of us can't
imagine, and when the cirde closes, it
closes with death. I don't think you see
what 1 mean, Dave. Fm not putting it
well. .

punds

an that once we'd fixed the
brokers, Hal. drifted off again into that
kind of coudland Fd seen the day I
came back to him. He just lost interest —
in me or уар. Ie
played the game, but since he knew

the business ur

he was goi

to win. the game didn't
have any meaning.” She broke off and
sat silent again for a

She began in a near whisper.
“Once we were in bed, Hal became life-

lcs. He dozed. Then he would muner
something. Then he would halt sit up. I
dozed, myself, and when I awoke in the
middle of the night, the light by the bed
and he wasn't there.”

The first blaze of day had touched
the wing and Elena shivered put
her hand in front of her eves.

Sitting there in the other room by
the light of a table lamp. Wearing
dressing gown. Just sitting there silently.
looking at the door as if wa
someone to come in. That horrible an-
tique pistol lying on the table. When I
saw Hal like that. I screamed. It was
the way the old man had sat that ot
night a long time

“It was six months later that whatever
click Hal was waiting for came. 1 knew
it He to. They found him just as I've
said. He had willed the pistol to me. I
Gee dis Ee cinerator.”

Behind chem, the s
of the Atlantic horizon
was suddenly full of broken
reflections of light. Dave Cohen
restlesly and turned his sleeping face

toward her.

and

ng

an i

1 had edged free
d the plane
mirror

"You'd be surprised how a good pair
can improve a girl's looks—in fact,

I don't know how І got along without
Jalse eyelashes all these years."

O_O:

Dor Lewis

241

PLAYBOY
READER SERVICE

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where you can buy any of the spe-
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available for the merchandise of the
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PLAYBOY'S DOUBLE HOLIDAY PACKAGE

BOTH ISSUES WILL BE COLLECTOR'S ITEMS YOU WON'T WANT TO MISS

David

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