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SEPTEMBER 1974 • $1.25 


TAKING SEX OUT OF THE BEDROOM 
—A PICTORIAL 

ч MALE SEXUALITY: THE GAME 
= HAS CHANGED, BUT THE 
“М EQUIPMENT 
REMAINS THE SAME 


۹ PLUS AN EXCLUSIVE 
INTERVIEW 

WITH ANTHONY 

s BURGESS 


Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined 
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. 


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The more you know 
about Panasonic tape recorders, 
the harder it is to choose one. 


For the big sound of stereo in a neat 
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Astereo cassette recorder with an 
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spacer for greater sound separation. 
There are also two built-in 
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stereo. And mike mixing to record 
your voice while you record your 
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If you're a businessman 

who's too busy for everything, 
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just slightly ahead of our time. 


The party's still going strong. But once in a while 
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JENNINGS MILLER KARPEL WOODLEY 


PLAYBILL “2 5 тнк score of the world,” 
said John Lennon, not so long ago. But 
during these past few years, women have demanded, with good 
reason, that men take a new look at them—and they have 
During this reassessment, men haven't just stepped back to the 
side lines to gawk at the girls. They've been changing, assimilat- 


ing. evolvin 


g— perhaps even questioning, What men haven't 
really done so far is to assert this, to let people know they're still 
on the field. Women ask them through clenched teeth, “How 
would you like to be a sex object?” The men shuffle, look at 
Maybe it’s time for them to admit that they 
might like it fine, just fine. In this context- 


their shoes. 


it’s about time somebody took an interest in where men are, 
what they're doing and where they're going—we set out to 
create You've Come a Long Way, Buster, a man-sized project 
coordinated by Stalf Writer David Standish and Asistant Art 
Director Alfred Zelcer 

Richard Woodley’s We Have Met the Enemy and He Is Us is 
what you might call the big picture. The subject is the present 
state of male sexuality, and it’s а steep descent into the under 
world of an everyman, led by Woodley himself. Zeleer put to: 
gether the three-ring graphic circus of Heroes, where, if you 
look hard, you'll find everybody you always wanted to be 


Standish and Senior Editor G. Barry Golson, with an impres 
sive total of three semesters of freshman psychology between 
them, came up with a thematic-misconception test called Just 
Which Kind of Man Are You? Read it and weep, Kinsey In 
stitute, And Craig Karpel examines the growing phenomenon 
of letting it all hang down in Jmpotence Chic 


Gay Talese has been working on a book called Sex in America 


for three years now; Articles Editor David Butler interviewed 
for The View from Talese’s Head. Now, after all that, you 
may feel you've been left between a rock and a hard place. If 
so, read Senior Editor Geoffrey Norn Han; 
11 take you to a few of those places where you'd damn well 


little honey’s marria 


ng Tough 


without 
first checking to see how her hand, 
s Memoirs of a Househusband. 

hosts, some spirits in this issue. John Skow 


better not try to open ж 


her mate is. On the 


there's Fred Powledg 


There are some 
even finds them at airports in Stopover. Andrew Tobias ex 
plains how to the ghost in the machine with How to Keep 
Your Head in Today's Market (illustrated by Darlyne Muraw 
ski)—in which we learn how to make reasonable bucks 
sane fashion. But the one you could mistake for a spirit turns 
out to be real: Bringing the War Home presents David M 
Rorvik’s discoveries about how much of the conflict in Vietnam 
has followed our Gls right into your back yard. “Researching 
the article opened my eyes to some goings on deserving of the 
avot alarm,” Rorvik says calmly, “but it also introduced me 
lo a conspiracy groupie who, upon learning which magazine 


had commissioned me, took me aside and solemnly alerted 
me to the fact that on New Year’s Day 1975, Hugh Hefner and 
Howard Hughes (who are one and the same) will lead an aerial 


STANDISH ZELCER 


invasion of Cuba—after which, presumably, the Bay of Pigs 
will be renamed the Bay of Bunnies, the “Havana challenge’ 
will wither Las Vegas overnight, the Mafia will be wiped out 
and the American economy will quickly follow suit, after which 
H.M.H.H.H. will return to the unmanned mainland and 
take it over, too.” And if that keeps you from sleeping at night, 
you're in good company. Henry Miller's, in fact. As he tells it 
here, he lives with and often fights the demons of Insomnia 
(the book will be published by Doubleday). We asked him some 
questions—like what his current activities were (“Practically 
nil”) and his future plans (“Try not to make any. ‘Sufficient 
unto the day is the evil thereof.’ "), The article helps explain 
such answers. 

When we asked another illustrious writer, Anthony Burgess— 
subject of this month's Playboy Interview, conducted by C. Rob: 
ert Jennings—what his current activities were, we ran out of 
paper just taking notes, Suffice it to say that Burgess is a busy 
fellow, with opinions (trenchantly expressed here) on subjects 
from Norman Mailer and Catholicism to taking dope and 
jerking off 

John Collier's Don't Gall Me, I'll Gall You is about a good 
old-fashioned obscene phone call. As it turns out, however, it's 
not as old-fashioned as it seems, Other fiction is by David Ely, 
1 Place to Avoid (in which superstition proves the safest 
position to take); and by Evan Hunter, Jazzing in A-Flat (about 
a blind musical prodigy who gives his first big performance in 
the sack), which will form part of Streets of Gold, to be pub- 
lished by Harper & Row 

We don't particularly condone sodomy, but have you ever 
noticed your pet rhododendron gazing longingly at you with a 
Vell, read Do Plants Have Orgasms?, 
by Richard Curtis, He's a plant lover and should know. “I am 
growing a coffee tree,” he says. “In 20 years, it will have beans 
There will be only enough beans for one cup of coffee. But 
it will be a helluva cup of cofee.” 


sy look оп its leave 


Stall Writer Reg Potterton has decided to take up brain sur 
gery and raise frogs. This doesn't explain why he wrote I Am 
Jerry's Brain, but we can tell you it's the sequel to a feature 
we never ran called J Am John Wayne's Wig 

In case you're wondering how we keep these lines so straight, 
we cheat. We use a machine. We have to use a machine, because 
Emanuel Greenberg was just here with a case of some very 
special Scotch, and the rest is history. He tells about it in The 
Idventures of Peat MacMall. Try some—but don't get blind 


drunk, because there's а lot to see if you сап manage to turn 
the pa ‚1 
ing on it). For example, have you ever been walkin 
your favorite consenting adult and suddenly had this absolutely 
uncontrollable urge to fuck her brains out? Do It Now! 


t we're work 


es (we haven't got a machine for ths 


long with 


shows you how to do it in the library, in the pool, in the—oh 
well, look for yourself, it's your magazine. Anyway, where 


else can you get a show like this for a buck and a quarter? 


4 


1s MUNTER 


COLLIER RORVIK TOBIAS 


MURAWSKI 


J 


[шш БШШ, 


Malton =f 
Калгын, 


тз 


Civilian 


vol. 21, no. 9—september, 1974 


PLAYBOY. 


CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE 


PLAYBILL 
DEAR PLAYBOY 
PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 
DINING-DRINKING. 
BOOKS 
THEATER 
ACTS AND ENTERTAINMENTS 
RECORDINGS 
Movies 
RADIO. 
EVENTS 
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 
THE PLAYBOY FORUM 
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: ANTHONY BURGESS—candid conversation 
JAZZING IN A-FLAT—fiction 
DO IT NOW!—pictorial 
BRINGING THE WAR HOME—orticle RORVIK 
THE OFF-CAMPUS LOOK—attire 
А PLACE TO AVOID—fiction 
DEALER'S CHOICE—playboy’s playmate of the month 
PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES—humor 
INSOMNIA —article 
SIS! BOOM! AH!—pictorial 
STOPOVER—essay к 
DO PLANTS HAVE ORGASMS?—humor RICHAR RTI 
THE ADVENTURES OF PEAT MACMALT—drink 
DON'T CALL ME, I'LL CALL YOU—fiction 
YOU'VE COME A LONG WAY, BUSTER 
HEROES—pictorial 
WE HAVE MET THE ENEMY AND HE IS US—article 
JUST WHICH KIND OF MAN ARE YOU?—quiz 
THE VIEW FROM TALESE’S HEAD—candid conversation 
IMPOTENCE CHIC—erticle RAIG K 
HANGING TOUGH—article 
MEMOIRS OF А HOUSEHUSBAND 
THE VARGAS GIRL—pictorial 
SOME THOUGHTS ON THE SCIENCE OF ONANISM—ribald classic MARK 
SAFETY FAST—modern living 
I АМ JERRY'S BRAIN—parody REG P R 
PLAYBOY'S PIGSKIN PREVIEW—sports. 
HOW TO KEEP YOUR HEAD IN TODAY'S MARKET—article 
PLAYBOY POTPOURRI 


з 
n 
17 
18 
20 
24 
з2 
34 
40 
49 
50 
55 
59 
69 
зв 
9з 
102 


4 108 
Ү 115 


116 
126 


R 128 


131 
137 
138 


5 141 
ER 143 


146 
148 


Y 150 


152 
152 
153 
154 


E 206 


156 
157 
158 
161 


T 163 


169 
202 


Wrangler thinks Americans spend 
too much for clothes. 


And Wrangler’s doing something about it for every member of the family. You just can’t get clothes 
anywhere else that look as good, fit as good, are made as well and fully guaranteed at prices so low. 


the “Wis Silent. 


350 fifih Ave.. NewYork 1000), 1974 Bloe Ball, Inc. Prices slightly higher in the west. 


6 


PLAYBOY 


Minolta helps you 
unwind. 


Find the way with a fast handling Minolta SR-T. 

You're comfortable with ап SR-T from the moment you pick it up. This 
is the 35mm reflex camera that lets you concentrate on the picture, because 
the viewfinder shows all the information needed for correct exposure and 
focusing. You never have to look away from the finder to adjust a Minolta 
SR-T, so you're ready to catch the one photograph that could never be 


taken again. 


And when subjects call for a different perspective, Minolta SR-T cameras 
accept a complete system of interchangeable lenses, from “fisheye” wide 


angle to super-telephoto. 


Let a Minolta SR-T help you untangle the mysteries of photography. For 
more information, see your photo dealer or write to Minolta Corporation, 
101 Williams Drive, Ramsey, New Jersey 07446. In Canada: Anglophoto 


Ltd., P.Q. 


Minolta SR-T 100/Minolta SR-T 101/Minolta SR-T 102 


When identified by о lactory-sealed "M'' tag, Minolta 35mm reflex comeros ore worronted by Minolta 


Corp. agaist delects in workmanship and moterials lor two years Irom date of purchase, excluding 
wserinflicted damage The comera will be serviced at no charge provided it is returned within the 
warranty period, postpaid, securely packaged, including $2.00 for mailing, handling and insurance. 


TS Card—Page 57. 


PLAYBOY 


HUGH M, HEFNER 


editor and publisher 


UR KRETCHMER editorial director 

ARTHUR PAUL art director 
SHELDON WAX managing editor 

MARK KAUFFMAN photography editor 


MURRAY FISHER assistant managing editor 


EDITORIAL 
ARTICLES: DAVID BUTLER editor + FICTION 
ROBIE MACAULEY еб 


ate editor, VICTOR 


(or, STANLEY PALEY associ- 


HEN HAIDER, WALTER SUB- 
тз + SERVICE FEATURES: 
TOM OWEN modern living editor, ROGER 


LETTE. assistant 


WIDENER assistant editor: ROBERT 1. GREEN 
fashion director, pavo PLATT 

editor; THOMAS м 1 
CARTOONS: MICHELLE URRY editor 
ARLENE BOURAS editor, STAN AMBER а 
editor © STAFF: ©. BARRY GOLSON, GEOFFREY 
NORMAN, ROBERT J. SHEN, DAVID STEVENS senior 
editors: LAURENCE GONZALES, REC 
DAVID STANDI 


› food & 


JITIRTON 


taf} writers; DOUGLAS MAU 
FR, DOUGLAS С, BENSON, WILLIAM J. MELMER, 


GRETCHEN MC NEESE, CARL SNYDER associate 


editors; JOUN BLUMENTHAL, J. ¥. O'CONNOR 
JAMES R. PETERSEN, ARNIE WOLFE assistant 
editors; SUSAN MELER, MARIA NEKAM, 


BARBARA NELLIS, KARE 
SADLER, BERNICE T. 2 
editors; J. PAUL GETTY (business & finance) 
NAT HENTOFF, RICHARD RHODES, RAY RUSSELL 
JEAN SHEPHERD, JONN SKOW, BRUCE WILLIAMSON 
(movies), TOMI UNGERER contributing editors 
ADMINISTRATIVE SERVICES: PATRICIA PAP: 
ANGELIS administra ROSE JEN 

rights & permis D ZIMMERMAN 


PADDERUD, LAURIT 
MERMAN research 


administrative assistant 
ART 
том STAEBLER, KEG ror associate directors 
BON POST, ROY MOODY, LEN WILLIS, CHET SUSKI 
GORDON MORTENSEN, JOSEPH PACZEK, ALFRED 
тст directors; JULIE YILERS, 
VICTOR HUBBARD, GLENN STEWARD art assistants 
и, MICHAEL assistant; IVE 
HECKMANN administrative assistant 


MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor 
GARY COLE e edi 
tors; MLL имїтз technical editor; вил. 


HOLLIS WAYNE asso 


ARSENAULT, DON AZUMA, DAVID CHAN, RICHARD 
FEGLEY, DWIGHT HOOKER, POMPEO POSAR staf] 
photographers; вал. and MEL кик, BRIN 
б. HENNESSEY, ALEXAS URNA 
photographers; вид. FRANT 
rapher; JUDY уонхох 
KRIEGE p 
wiz Mosrs chief 
administrative editor 


JANICE RERKO: 


PRODUCTION 
JONN MASTRO director; ALLEN VARGO man 
ager; ELEANORE WAGNER, RITA 
MARIA MANDIS, RI 


RD QUARTAROLI а 


READER SERVICE 
CAROLE CRAIG director 


CIRCULATION 
1 


HAS G. WILLIAMS 


GOLDBERG director of » sales; ANIN 
WIEMOLD subscription 


ADVERTISING 
HOWARD W. LEDERER advertising director 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC. 
ROWERT 5 iness manager and 
associate RICHARD 5, ROSENZWEIG 
executive assistant to the publisher; 
RICHARD М. КОЕР assistant publisher 


stoem 


Seven & Summ 


TILLERS C0. 


N. Y.C. AMERICAN WHISKEY—A BLEND. 86 PROOF 


ertime. 


And the living is ea: 
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Just pour it tall and lazy, 
over lots of ice, and mix in 
whatever you like best. 

Then settle back and sip it 
slowly 

Seagram’s 7. It’sa дб 
summertime kind of 
whis 4. 


Seagram's 7 Crown. 
It's America’s favorite. 


“Rca wisest 
А 


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"Today, aman needs а good reason to walka mile. 


Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined 
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. 


А. 


23 mg. "12г71.5 mg: nicotine av: per cigarette, FTC Report Mar. 74 


DEAR PLAYBOY 


E 20:5: PLAYBOY MAGAZINE - PLAYBOY BUILDING, 919 N. MICHIGAN AVE., CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611 


ZGRAMS 

Since I'm on active duty in the Navy 
I wa 
tervic 
He's 


regret that he must step down as Chief of 


pecially moved by your June in 
with Admiral Elmo Zumwalt 


illiant, human and admirable. I 


Naval Operations, he'll be missed, at 
least by me. 
Dennis J. Black 
Bethesda, Maryland 


Thank you for your interview with 
Zumv 
Гас 


ing military position in relation to that 


One of the most frightening 


brings forth is America’s weaken 


of the Soviets. This has been the ease for 
some time and I agree with his gloomy 
What 


à shame it is that we've lost such a tre 


prediction if the situation persi 


mendous military mind! An even greater 
shame, ho 


Zumy 


er, is that the warnings 


1 will go unheeded. 
rian Voltz 
Northbrook, Ilinois 


Your interview demonstrates that the 


con nial admiral is not losing his 
penchant for overdramatization and 
doomsday rhetoric as he enters retire 


ment, Admiral Zumwalt is a candid man 
and he has been a positive influence for 
desirable internal reforms within the 
U.S. Navy during his term as Chief of 
Naval Operations. Nevertheless, in his 


ell-meaning efforts t ıe American 


people and the Congre › support a 


masive infu of funds into the Navy 


he has too often resorted to exa; 


erating 
o belittling U.S 
militar trengt Delense Secretary 


James Schlesinger and Admiral Zumwalt 


scem to disagree about whether or not 


the Soviet naval threat is all the admiral 


alleges it to be. Schlesinger states that 
perceptions of relative military capabili 
ties between the U.S. and the Soviet 
Union are as important as actual capa 
bilities. If this is true, it is quite possible 


hat the U.S. Navy and Admiral Zum 


walt are serving U.S. security poorly by 
constantly raising false specters of U. $ 
weakness and imminent catastrophe 
Recalling the story of the boy who cried 


wolf too often, perhaps it may be judged 


that Admiral Zumwalt’s frightmongering 
sales techniques serve to undermine the 
credibility of other Defense Depart 


ment spokesmen. Indeed, his alarmist 


ıpproach to promoting the Navy budget 


wems to be running into stor 


у seas not 


only in Congress but within the Defense 
Department as well. In the interview 
admiral attacks me and the Center 
allegedly 


iving an incorrect picture of the strate- 


Delense Information 


gic nuclear we wned by the Soviet 


Union and he says that the U.S. could 


not destroy the Soviet Union even if we 


our nuclear weap. 


ons on that country. He also states, in 


the accustomed alarmist style, that “the 


Soviets have a possible firsestrike capa 
bility.” My response is that the admiral 


sees only what he wants to see and today 


he sees only what fits his preconceived 
notion of U.S. weakness and Soviet 
strength. The fact is, the U.S. is not fall 
ing behind in the strategioarms race but 
is rushing forward to break new ground 
ıt а pace lar in с of that of the 50. 


viet Union. А y 


igo, Schlesinger said 


nuclear 
1 2300. In 


that the U.S, had 7100 strateg 


weapons and the Soviets h 


the U.S. had more than three times as 


many strategic nuclear weapons as the 
Soviet Union (7940 versus 2600). ‘The 
U. S. lead has increased since the SALT I 
agreement in 1972 and, further, the U. 5, 
is producing new strategic nuclear weap 
ons at a rate of about four per day, the 
Soviets m a rate of probably less than one 

1 U.S. strategic 


per day, Also, 


since 1970 have been 
MIRVed. Continued U.S. MIRV deploy 
ments will mean that the U, S. lead in 


missiles deploye 


this will continue to grow at least 


through 1977. At last accounting, the U. 5 
had more than 750 operational MIRVed 
missiles; the Sc 
Rear Admi 
USN. (Ret), Director 
Center for Defense Information 
Washington, D.C 


s did not have any 


1 Gene R. La Rocque 


Zumwalt failed to impress me in your 
imterview—except unfavorably, He justi 
fies our intervention in Vietnam as hon 


orable, What « it say for Zumwalt's 


concept of honor if he stakes it on the 


protection of а corrupt, dictatorial re 
gime like Thieu's of South Vietnam and 
justifies lying to the American people 


лош what 


uppening? If the so-called 
leaders of this count such as Zumwalt 


had any sense of honor at all, they would 


4 2 y 
ZONAN 
1 


panty 


r-~ Мз--------------- 


1 Add your own dash of 
TABASCO" at the table... 
to eggs, soups, sauces 


Free booklet! The Exciter! 24 colorful 
pages that will crowd the dullness out of 
your life. New whimsical adventure. New 
food ideas. Write Mcllhenny Company, 
Dept. PB9, Avery Island, La. 70513. 


©1974. TABASCO is the registered trademark of 


Meithenny Compeny, Avery Island, Louisiana 70513 


| 


PLAYBOY 


have admitted their mistakes and pulled 
out long before the death count reached 
anywhere near the final toll. Zumwalt’s 
proclaimed ignorance of the many Amer- 
ican atrocities committed against the 
South Vietnamese people and their envi- 
ronment isn’t hard to explain: Zumwalt’s 
just another lifer afraid to criticize the 
atrocious actions of our Government, 
What is frightening is that he’s probably 
one of the more rational military leaders 
around. 


Roger Stang 
Missoula, Montana 


The antiwar questions that intervi 
er Richard Meryman addresses to Admi 
val Zumwalt ke me wonder more 
about the interviewer than about the 
interviewee. Meryman asks Zumwalt how 
he could have served in а war in which 
“the Navy dropped a third of all the 
bombs, a war in which 22,000 square kil- 
ometers of cropland and hardwood for- 
ests were defoliated, in which nearly half 
of the 22,500,000 population became 
refugees, often several times over.” If the 
war to which Meryman refers had been 
World War Two and the country Germa- 
ny, would he have had any doubts about 
the “morality” of bombing or defolia- 
tion? The question is not: Is any war just 
or moral? АШ wars are unjust and 
immoral, because loss of human lives is 
the inevitable result, But until those who 
use hate, extortion and murder as short 
cuts to power are dissuaded from doing 
so, 1 сап see no alternative to defending 
human rights through war, if necessary 

Steven W. Browning 
Williams AFB, Arizona 


Having just finished reading your in- 
terview with Zumwalt, Im almost as 
depressed as I was on the night of 
wember 7, 1972, when I listened to the 
returns of the Presidential election. If 
Zumwalt’s conclusions are valid, the en- 
tire human existence has been a sham 
and its continuation is an exercise in 
futility without rhyme or reason. In 
short, if Zumwalt is right, the jig is up! 
Norm Pliscou 
Holtville, California 


SOMEBODY DOES 

John Blumenthal’s June television- 
nostalgia quiz, Who Was That Masked 
Man and Who Cares, is quite amusing, 
but I must correct the answer he gave 
to the question “In Wanted—Dead or 
Alive, Josh Randall, played by Steve 
McQueen, carried аг" The answer given, 
“sawed-oll shotgun,” is incorrect. Josh 
Randall carried a sawed-off Winchester 
lever-action rifle. If you are looking for 
a character who carried a sawed-off shot- 
gun, it was Nick Adams, in the series 
The Rebel. 


William С. Со 
Hackensack, N 


cino, Jr. 
w Jersey 


NOT ALL FUN AND GAMES 
It is with great pleasure that I inform 
you that a cartoon drawn by Eldon Dedi- 
ni and originally published in your April 
1 issue has won the second:prize 
award of $750 in our Population Car 
toon Contest. The cartoon was selected 
for its outstanding treatment of the poy 
ulation problem from among approxi 
mately 250 entries submitted by many of 
the nation’s leading professional cartoon 
artists, representing most 
cates, magazines and newspapers. Co 
gratulations to Dedini 
Beth Blossom, Associate Director 
Communication Се 
‘The Population In: 
New York, New York 
Below, the winning entry. 


and to you 


“Either we start pushing 
birth control or we're going to be up to 
our asses in little people!” 


FROM UNIMPEACHABLE SOURCES 
Many thanks for your final installment 
of Bernstein and Woodward's All the 
President's Men (rtaynoy, June). It 
reads like a horror story and stands as а 
terrible indictment of the mores and 
complacency of the American public. 
N. Dwight Harman 
Redondo Beach, California 


I commend Bernstein and Woodward 
for their investigation of the Watergate 
scandal, but after reading All the Presi 
dent's Men, I must say they sure let this 
thing go to their heads. 


Dave Rodriguez 
Chicago, Mlinois 


Within the past year, our republic has 
seen a President who could resign wait 
for impeachment, a Congress that could 
impeach wait for public pressure and a 
public that stands ready to exert the pres- 
sure but doesn’t. Given these factors, I 
think we all can thank Bernstein and 
Woodward for their endeavors. 

Frank Gallagher 
Superior, Wisconsin 


BARBI BOUQUET 
Like any maitre de at а hotel worked 
by big-name entertainers, I'm suspicious 
of rave reviews and good publicity. But 
when Barbi Benton played the Grown 
Room at Milwaukee's Pfister Hotel re 
cently, the raves came from the customers 
directly to me, raves that confirm your 
enjoyable review of Barbi’s Las Vegas 
debut in your June Playboy After Hours 
Said they: “The show was excellent. . 
Barbi’s а litte girl with outsized charms 
and talent. . . . The funny thing is when 
she's done, you'd like to sit and talk to 
her. She comes across as а friend.” 
Gino of the Pfister 
Pfister Hotel & Tower 
Milwaukee, Wisconsin 


GURU KUDOS 
Robert Scheer’s article Death of the 
Salesman: Rennie Davis (PLAYBOY, J 
delves into the personality of 
friend of the author's, but in the proc 
ess of criticizing his friend, Scheer makes 
several references to the Guru Mal 
Ji to which I take exception. 1 have 
been a disciple of Guru Maharaj Ji for 
three years and have experienced a р 
of mind and an inner joy that are grow 
ing every day. In his article, Scheer 
states that the aim of Guru Maharaj Ji “is 
to bring us all peace through the com 
plete control of our emotions, thoughts 
and life force.” implying that Gara Ma 
haraj Ji teaches people to repress emo 
tions and thoughts. On the contrary 
devotees are taught to merge emotions 
and thoughts into the universal vibration 
that moves all life. Scheer also writes that 
the Guru Maharaj Ji's plan is to create a 
“race of celibate, hypnotized, austere in 
habitants of a divine kingdom.” Most of 
the devotees of Guru Maharaj Ji аге not 
celibate, not austere in the least and are 
not hypnotized by anything external 
Out of 40,000 disciples in the U. S.. only 
900 live in the Divine Light Mission 
ashrams, where rules call for vegetarian 
ism, celibacy and a regulated schedule, It 
is my experience that the devotees are 
some of the most spontaneous, fre 1 
loving people anyone could meet. The 
things Scheer writes about the personality 
of Rennie Davis may or may not be true, 
but he should not allow his frustrations 
to get in the way of understanding that 
Rennie has sensed something real and 
beautiful in Guru Maharaj Ji. We all 
would be wiser if we thought deeply 
before we rushed to criticize and judge 
Scott Hess 
Divine Light Mission 


ace 


Boston, Massachusetts 


It’s obvious to me that Scheer prefers 
to write most about thing 

least. Any writer with a truly open and 
aware mind would have refrained from 
creating such scornful prejudice con- 
cerning another person's beliefs, I have 


he knows 


rock nearby, heard and misunder- 
stood, thinking his Captain wanted — 
a drink. He scrambled to his feet 
and dashed off in a hail of rifle-fire, 
returning in minutes to hand over 
a brimful canteen. 

The enemy, 4 
t for heroism, slackened 
their fire and wavered. Chaput 
seized the moment and called out, 


ment that has the actual quotation 

in . During the engagement re- 

_ ferred to, Chaput and his cohorts 

_ were young Officers of the Line. 

| Fighting under the glowering crags 
of Afghanistan, they had their work 
cut out for them—just to stay alive. 
The experienced and determined 
_ enemy had quickly thinned the 


ranks ЗБЕ he Queen's troops; and 


ў the placements sent up were “Sound the charge!” His Company 
hardly her best. As the song goes: leapt to the attack, The entire 
They sent us babes from Regiment took heart. As it was sung 
m mothers arms _ thereafter at the Club: 
QF Гог men there were по more. The foam was on the 
a a GY The Afghans cheered to see Afghan beards, 
'em come The blood was in their eye 
_ And Captain Chaput swore: But we tucked 'em in quite 


“If Thad a Sergeant Major 
win this bloody war! 
h ed raised their 
g knives 
sed their battle- 


peacefully 
Before the moon was high. 
So we'll hoist a Sergeant 
Major 
And if any man ask why, 
Let himask five hundred 
Afghans 
At the roll call in the sky! 
We'll be pleased to share the 
Sergeant Major, the drink, with you. 
(The recipe we prefer to keep to 
ourselves.) It’s tart, crisp, and lively 
as rifle-fire. And simply wizard when 
you're swapping old war stories 
with your friends. 


The 
Sergeant Major 


from Heublein 


И This en led us 
nt to know more. We 
l up the story (which 
apocryphal) of a 
lecorated Sergeant 
ajor who “could curse in 
| the twenty tongues of 
lia й cluding English.” 
ts thus capable of 
g some discipline to the rag- 
ldiery, Native and British. 
This was the same Sergeant 
_ Major who invented the drink 
that today bears his name. And he 
orthern Fron- vowed he would share the formula 
а with no тап. (The one time he 
shared it—with a woman—is another 
story.) | 
So it was that Chaput and his 
brother officers arranged to detain 
this irreplaceable walking recipe 
back at the Club, out of harm's way. 
That decision, foolish as it 
sounds, may have won the war. In 
the actual battle, Chaput regretted 
it and remarked, “If I had a 


Sergeant Major...” etc. 
A private, crouching behind a 


HEUBLEIN 


ат 's drinking 
often bear better witness than 
ans. In attempting to com- 

own Gollected Ballads of 
goon Racquet ( Club, we were 
грей torun across one frag- 


905 f 


Collectors: Miniature replicas of the 
Sergeant Majorareavailablefrom Valiant 
Miniatures,P.0.Box394, Skokie, 111.60076 


cant Major, 48 Proof. Made with London Dry Gin and Natural favors. © 1974 Heublein, Inc., Harford, Conn. 06101 


PLAYBOY 


r than most 


— A rugged clip that 


by SHEAFFER 


Here's one low-priced pen 
you won't throw away. You'll 
Maybe for a lifetime 
It's refillable. Built rugged 

With no moving parts to 
cause trouble. In ballpoint 


keep it 
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ker or fountain pen 
The NoNonsense Pens 


win, а fexiron cowan 


сеп Ren 
raj Ji 
believe 


met him 


After гє 


know more 


cism than 


with Re 


times, I wot 


who has s 


GRAVY 


CLINIC 


nie Davis in on 


iding Scheer 
I do about 
inie Davis 
Id like t 


TRAIN 
d J D 


AL ORGASMS 


Linda Wolfe's J 
tsp 1 
esting and И 
tate of the treatment f 
lem \ vi 
hearte i 
far | 
ivet forms of 
alwa i 
pra 
ill, 1 by 
Hyp i: 
1€ Af 
Emil V. Spil 
Nat 1 \ 
H 
Adanta, Georgia 
It has been ve 
the pa ıl mor 
py” clinics sprin 
In many of t 
M fal 
ill have 
n A 
! апа 1 
This is a dif 


yf Guru Ma 
ith 7 
difhcul 


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ш 
Instituti 
T Two 

i n inter 
cure of the 
ual prob 

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idering it i 

1 per 
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Medical 

MLD, Dire 

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of emotior 
I am с 1 

ей 
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char It 


would be futil F i 
thro ex mill and є 
result. T ‹ 
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r n m 1 
reatest thin be 1 
for year 
О. W M.D 
R Vir 
COVER UNCOVERED 
Compliment rc desi 
Artbur Pav 
of the Rabbi 
issu 
Joe 5 
0 Calif 
OF R 
n the J 
€ 1 
S ‹ ‹ 
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r 
YOU GOTTA HAVE 
Thank 
I | 
us. I 
contr 


FRIENDS 
І 


VIEW FROM THE REAR 


1 


It's a rare species: the real, true sp 
sedan. It maneuvers deftly with f 
wheel drive and sports c J 
sion 
even if it drives lik 
a bird: 25 mpg? At 
ahead of the pack 


D 


PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 


heart out: Jeane 
1 


à syndicated horo. 


assandra, € your 


had this remarkable admo. 


scope column 


orm under the 


nition for those sign of 
Taurus, as published in the Fort Worth 
Star-Telegram: “Wind up your work 


week as early as possible. Personal con: 


cerns arise which take extra time, with 


indication of satisfaction in the dong 


Some people have to do things the 
ıukece, Kenneth Hany 


Mike 


zewski was sente n jail for 


trying to Graadzicliwski's 


The Ph Daily N in an 
article on gay bar ith disarmir 
candor, “Now an endent opera 
tion, the Gay Juse has built a 
teady 1 following says 
Allen Kr nublicity director 


Hi. Would уо 
the line? J 
Albuquerque's € 
Saint John. We are in 


s Middleton when he 


ıt Saul of Tarsus on 


dral Church of 


exton at 


lence u 


Saint John’s Cathe- 


Bumper 


© month, spotted 
in South Dake 


by a wary ‹ 1: PASS 


WITH CARE—TOBACCO CHEWER 
Unsettlin 


sign in a So! 


for vegetarians: A 


ican restaurant ad 


that its food is sale ALL FRUITS 
AND VEGETABLES IN THIS ESTABLISHMENT 
wer ASHED IN WATER ESPECIALLY 

A: тик ct 
more those crimes we're not 


ecuted: In L.A 


robbed a drive-in restaurant, 
but their get ar stalled. They 
returned to the restaurant, asked а wait- 
ress to take the money back and ran off to 
push their car down the street A stu 


dent in San Francisco was awakened at 


three лм. by a 1 standing 


her lips. 


near his bed with 


“Shh,” she whispered, “I've just been with 
your roommate. Where's the front door?” 
The student 


tured toward the ¢ 


hugely and ges 
r. The 


said he'd been 


grinned 


next morn: 


ing, his roomm: 
showed 515 
village of 


а holdup man walked 


all night and search 


missing. And in the 
Chard, 


into the post office wearing a giant false 


France 


nose as a disguise and demanded money 


from the cashier. The was so weird 
that the 


the gunman ran out empty-hande 


and 


Sound advice to crutch users, from the 
El Camino Hospital in Mountain View, 
California 


odically 


Check tightness of nuts peri 
they sometimes loosen with use.” 
Two members of the 
Political 
(Ohio) 


Department of 


Science at Miami University 


аге currently studying the chang 


ing nature of graffiti on uni 


men'sroom walls in the Seventies. The 


proposed title of their thesis: “Social Psy 
chological Dimensions of Стаі in Uni 
versity Men's Rooms: The Other Peter 


Principle." 


In case you're wonder 
pose of a loved one, may we 


Grand 


director is nan 


funeral 


Michigan. 


Jay A. Posthumus 


parlor in the Rapid: 


area whose 


No wonder the World Football League 
Miami 


who signed with 


wanted him: Larry Csonka, the 
Dolphin football player 
one of the ı fairly bi 

und the San Juan Star tells us how big: “А 


new teams, i 


Csonka, 


ıt the mas a 6-foot 


looking 


Classified ad in a Green, 
Kentucky, shopping guide: “For sale 
one sweetheart formal: тей velvet top, 
white satin; bottom, never worn 

An English female probation officer 
recently went to court to testify in be 


out that the 


prostitute. She 


pointed 


defendant was offering a 


“social service” and suggested it ought to 


be available through Britain's National 
Health Service. The 
name is Jillian Pickup. 


probation officer's 


In a story about a car that was driven 


through the warning gates of a draw 


ridge and dropped into the river below 


The India 
driver 


olis Sta 


ap reported that the 
was ticketed for 


ind “reckless diving.” 


We doubt if a 


who 


youn, restrienne 


shall remain nameless, was pleased 


with the publicity af 


rded her by a polo: 
Inter 
Brook 


w 


Oak 


match press release is 


national Sports Core in 


Ilinois. It read: “Miss Janet 


Brook 


ind has been stick 


up in Oak 


she could mount а 


adjacent to the polo 


and balling since 


Next time. just hand him the Scope 
Jerry Burley of St. Paul, Minnesota, no 
ticed that another man had bad breath 


and pointed it out to him. The man evi 


dently took offense, for he pulled out a 


gun and shot Burley in the head, wound 


ing him slightly. A newspaper account re 


ported ths 


police were looking for “a 


bad-breathed assailant.” 
that? Ac 


Times, an 


Wonder what he meant by 
to the Los Angel 
unidentified 


у 


cording 


man accosted two Las 


5 Showgirls in 


а parking lot near 


17 


PLAYBOY 


(¥ PLAYBOY 


OBSCURITY IS THE BEST REVENGE 


If you have had Water- 
gate to the gills and are 
ready to turn to drink the 
next time some fatuous 
television announcer men- 
tions “the crucial March 
2Ist conversation,” take 
heart. There is a silver 
lining to the whole thing 
Its not anything like 
learning from рам mis- 
takes and strengthenir 
our constitutional safe 
guards. We might learn 
from history every пом 
and then, but we inevita 
bly misapply the lesson, No, my silver 
lining has more to do with aesthetics 
With poise and moderation in the 
world 

Consider: No matter what happens 
in the next few months, some things 
are certain, For instance, there will 
not be any Nixon schools, highways, 
parks, office buildings, libraries or 
stadiums. Small profit, you say? Well, 
when you go looking for silver linings, 
you take what you сап get. But 
still... ine all the dedications 
АП the asi: 


nine speeches recalling those wonder- 


that will not take place 


ful days of high purpose and firm 
leadership. There will never be a 
week when you open your Time maga 
zine and see a picture of Tricia break 
ing a champagne bottle across the bow 
of the nuclear carrier Nixon 

And that goes for memoirs. Nixon 
may get а book contract from some: 
body ew did—but what can he 
say? Is he going to give us an inside 


look at his White House 
So there is a book you won't have to 


Fat chance 


read that you can add to the list of 
commemorations that won't be noted 
in Newsweek or on the evening news. 
How are we doing so far 

OK, then, how about all the honor- 
ary degrees that Nixon will not get 
and commencement speeches he will 
not give? Magazine articles with glossy 
pictures of a vigorous Nixon in retire 
ment that will simply not appe 
That's something. And there won't 
be wecks of suspense every four years 
while the country waits with bated 
breath to see whom Nixon endorses 
for the nomination. 

There was some talk before things 
got so unpleasant that Julie Eisen 
hower was a real political comer. Right 
now she looks about as promising as 
Harold Stassen. Same for her husband. 
Though she might have become a good 
and diligent Congressperson, there 
would have been those constant refer- 
ences to her father’s achievements and 


wisdom and private ad 
vice. We can live with 
out that 

And finally 
the Nixon legacy itself 


there is 


I am 31 years old and I 
do not recollect a time 
Richard Nixon 
was not in some way cru 
cial to national politics 
I grew up with the man 
The very first glimmer 


when 


ing I had of something 

ed politics сате in 

1952, when the televi 

sion in our house was 

tuned to the national conventions, 1 

fully expected to die with Nixon still 

thrashing about in the affairs of state 

and in the newspapers I cannot seem 

to keep from reac But not any 

more. It is like the lifting of some 

great burden. (And Т say this though 

I voted for the man. I won't say how 
many times.) 

The most durable legacy a public 
man leaves is his words, You can find 
these scraps that our leaders left us 
by picking up a Bartlett's, Most Presi 
dents are in there, but not all of them. 
Calvin Coolidge is. And Grover Cleve 
land. But not James Buchanan, whom 
Henry Steele Commager called our 
worst President. Obscurity can be the 
kindest fate 

But it won't be Nixon's. He'll be in 
there, but it won't be a long entry 
Just cnough to give us the spirit of the 
man and his times sad to say 
they are his times. Consider for a mo 
Nixon 
lines. (Oh, he tried to get into the 
spirit of the New Deal, Fair Deal and 
New Frontier with New Federalism, 
but it just didn't wash. Didn't even 


ment the truly memorable 


play in Peoria.) What you remember 
from the lips of Richard Nixon are 
Nixon to kick 
' (Wrong again.) 


You won't have 
around anymore 
But it would be wrong.” (Good 
thinking.) 
There can be no whitewash at the 
White House 
And the one for immortality, the 
one that will be his epitaph 
I am not a crook 
So sd children generations 
hence will not have to sweat out learn 
ing any long and arch pronouncement 


Richard M. Nixon 
he has left us (quotewise, 


from President 
The thi 
as Ronald Ziegler might put it) is 
short and direct and comes easily off 
the lips. And it shouldn't take up more 
than a single line in future editions 
of Bartlett's. Thanks, Dick. 
—Geoffrey Norman 


the hotel where the girls were featured 
in a revue titled Love of Sex. The as 
sailant tied the girls up and fled with 
their G strings. 

This should answer your question, 
movie fans: The Fun-Lan drive-in theater 
in Tampa featured Blazing Saddles as its 
8:15 show, followed at 10:15 by Where 
Does It Hurt? 

A reader reports that a café in Bur- 
lington, Vermont, has become increas 
ingly popular with young people in 
town since the menu began advertising 
Breakfast In 
offee, Pot or 


its Continental Club 
cluded in the price is “€ 
Tea.” 


Апа with аме, too 
McBrayer, Rey 


ernor of Texas, said the press misunder 


Odell 
blican lidate for gov 
stood him when he was quoted as saying 
he’s in favor of televised executions. “I 
favor televising executions only if not 


done offensively,” he stated 


DINING-DRINKING 


If а yellow chicken feather should hap- 
pen to drift lazily onto the untroubled 
surface of your Buffalo Bill, where would 


you be? Undoubtedly, at Nickels, a new 


Manhattan steakhouse located at 227 
East 67th Street, and you would be drink 
ing their lethal version of a boilermaker, 
perhaps named in honor of the one buf 
falo nickel that can be found three 
quarters of the way down the bar, embed 
ded there along with some 10,000 other 
nickels. Where did the chicken feather 
come from? Well, the Muppets have their 

headquarters upstairs 
in the robber-bar 
on-baroque саг 


house that 


houses Nick 

els on its first 

floor, and one of 

Big Bird's feathers must have floated 
downstairs—or is that the old chicken 
himself drinking in the corner booth 
Less fanciful is the decor of Nickels 
brown. Brown wood paneling. brown 
wood-beamed ceiling, brown floor tiles 
and smoky mirrors with bronze high 
lights. Even the cover of Nickels’ menu is 
brown, and so is the type describing all 
their permutations and combinations on 
the theme of steak. Nickels’ broiler is 


hot enough to turn out a black-and-blue 


24 


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sirloin to"suit the finickiest steak fancier; 
charcoal black and crusty on the outside 
and still blue on the inside. Nickels’ meat 
is the rich, marbled stuff that you have to 
get to the meat market at four AM. to 
buy. There is also a special of the day 
sometimes a crisp, crackly duck à l'orange 
or a chicken cordon bleu, and a particu 


PLAYBOY 


larly zesty bouillabaisse heads the fish 
department on the menu. All of these 
favorites are in harmony with an extraor 
dinary side dish known as Nickels Ро 
toes. Almost the size of your mother's 
leaden potato pancakes, they аге light and 
fluffy patties of riced potato, chopped 
prosciutto ham and Italian parsley 
Rolled in blanched almond flakes and 
parmesan cheese, then breaded and sau 
téed in butter, they make French fries 
taste like French fries. Nickels Spe 


cial Salad is a combination of avocado 


asparagus spears, cherry tomatoes and 


bb and romaine lettuce. The secret in 


gredients in the delicious dressing are 


ed scallion tops, carrots and celery 


These unexpected vegetable flavors in 
no way play hob with the other salad in 
gredients; in fact, their own natural fla- 
vors are enhanced. Nickels’ waiters are 
fleet of foot and eager to please. If it's 
your birthday, you can be sure they'll get 


your name right. None of that “Happy 


birthday, dear Garble” мий, Prices are 


арр 


priately nickel and dime (well, al 


t) to double eagle and all major cred 
it cards except Mobil and Exxon аге 
accepted. Nickels is open seven nights a 
week from 4 р.м, to 11:80 p.. and reser 
sted (212-794-2331). А 
If you should see Bert 


vations аге вц 
word of warnir 
und Ernie chugging Buffalo Bills and 


prying loose the nickels embedded in the 


bar, don’t stop on the way out and tell 


them how t they are on Sesame 


Street. They're probably looking for a 


group scene 


BOOKS 


Fhe book business in midsummer isn't 
exactly hot lunch. Everybody is waiting 
around for the release of the new fall 


line (“I'd like something in а Vonne 


gut, please: not too long”) and, in the 


meantime, pickings are slim. So we spent 
the time mostly reading comic books. 
And found out that, even there, the world 


is not the same. In the old days, 


Superman used to march around smash 
ing anti-American villains and holding 
off Lois Lane, who went into heat 
whenever she saw him, The villains were 
completely rotten and evil, and Super 
rld from 


them seven days a week—and keep Lois 


man’s job was to save the 


out of his р 


It was a simple life. But 
the superhero business, like everything 


else, isn’t so easy 


nymore. Even Super 


man himself can today be seen sitting on 
rooftops holding his head in anguish, 
torn because he is a freak and an outsid 
er, rejected by Lois because he is such a 
macho brute 
The man who is responsible for this- 

indirectly, in Superman's case, since he 
flies for the competition—is Stan Lee 
head of Marvel Comics. In the carly 
Sixties 


fter grinding out monsters and 
mysteries for years, slightly bored by the 
sameness of it all, he had an idea. As he 


tells it in Origins of Marvel Comics (Sim 
& Schuster), a book of full-co!or reprints 
of several first episodes, “For just this 
псе, I would do the type of story 1 my 
self would enjoy reading the charac 
ters would be flesh and blood 
they'd have their faults and foibles 
they'd be fallible and feisty, and most 
important of all—inside their colorful, 


costumed booties they'd still have feet 
of clay 

Fist to appear were the Fantastic 
Four, the Hulk (he's the green gentle 
man on this page) and Spider-Man. 


These days there are so many Marvel 


heroes running around—they visit from 


comic 
to comic 
апа fight 
with one an 
her a lot—that 


fanatic to tell the 
players with a score 
card. And if they were 
od heroes for the Six 


Чез. they are even better 
in the Seventies. Spider 
Man is still the most 
popular. He became the 
first teenage superspider 


during chemistry class, 


such are the da 
in Marveldom, a 


between bouts with the Green Goblin and 


zers of higher education 


leads a soap-opera life 


Doctor Octopus. In recent issues, his best 
girl has been killed, his roommate has 
had a nervous breakdown and his old 
Aunt May has been kidnaped by a mani 
ас. Luke Cage 


busting 


er Man—he’s the one 


ugh the wall—was just a nice 


guy until he was framed on a charg 


in prison he became embittered 
Super, and is presently an escaped felon, 


trying to clear himself and hiring out his 


talents on the side. After being beaten 


up by Spider-Man for being a mercenary 
he says, “I dig, Spider-Man but 


here's something you don’t: Some dudes 


have to do this number for a livin we 
ain't all rich playboys like Bruce 
Wayne!” Captain America—teamed up 


here with the Falcon—is an old Forties 
hero who didn't die, after all, but was 
merely sleeping in an iceberg. He thinks 
he is too old for the business. 1 can't 


hı. The feeling that I'm a 


shake it toni 
walking anachronism а guy who 


looks lik 
was fi 


he's 20 even though he 


iting Hitler's hordes some 30 
years ago! 


the Fantastic Four are now di 


vorced; Daredevil is stoneblind. Iron 


Man has a terrible heart condition—it's 
really too sad to tell. And very much 
fun, Our favorite is the Hulk. He was 
merely Bruce Banner, brilliant scientist 


before he was zapped by those gamma 


rays. As the Hulk, he is incredibly 
strong—he travels in huge froglike 
bounds—and just about as dumb, Most 
of the time 1 hasn't the slightest idea 
why those people in uniform are trying 
to hurt him with those nuclear missiles 
And—Marveldom Zen—he can turn into 
Bruce Banner again but reverts when 
ever he gets agitated or angry. Most of 


the good ones are like that—like s 


upbeat Dante's Inferno, where a super 
human talent or er is offset an 
equal and ironic defect. People have 
written gradu: rs on just such 
themes and for them—and all other truc 


believers—Marvel has brought out a cal 
endar book called Mighty Marvel Calendar 
for 1975, full of more ¢ 


erica than any 


know. If you 


we that Gwen Stacy died on January 


28—or know what that means—you 


If unique is what you seek, 


PLAYBOY 


2 


probably should have it. We're heading 
for the newsstand. We left the Hulk in 
big trouble last month, 

Perhaps the Kalb brothers, Marvin 
and Bernard, both well-known GBS cor- 
respondents, wanted to do an honest and 
unusual book about Dr. Henry Alfred 
Kissinger (Little, Brown), but the por- 
trait is soft and sprawling. ‘They have 
done a huge amount of homework, but 
every so often Kissinger’s deadly dazzle 
seems to blind them, too, just as it has 
most of the American media that seem 
“to ignore what he ignores,” as one Kissin- 
ger critic complained. Perhaps, because 
they are put off by the spooky, stagy 
men in this Administration, even good 
reporters seem pacified by Kissinger 
Theater, and so, on page five, the Kalbs 
pay this odd tribute to their subject 

“He would sip champagne with Krem- 
lin leaders, humanizing them for а whol 
generation of Americans raised on the 
Cold War.” Others might take exception 
to that 

Although the German-born Secreta 
of State most admired man 
America (and he apparently loves hearing 
that), he has fierce, intelligent enemies 
who might wish the Kalbs had probed a 
little deeper and been a little meaner. 
For Kissinger, after all, was deeply in 
volved in the secret bombing of Cambo- 
dia, the invasion of that country by 0. 8, 
troops, which did not wind down the war 
but widened it: the bombing of North 
Vietnam in December 19 U.S, sup- 
port of a corrupt dictatorship in Pakistan 
during its brutal repression of the Ben- 
galis: devaluation of the dollar, which 


may be th 


severely hurt Japan's economy; the stand- 
by alert of U, S, nuclear forces on а world- 
wide basis last year (which Kissinger 
promised to explain but did not). 

In the past five years, Kissinger has al- 
most ignored the human-rights issues as 
well as economic problems, but the Kalbs 
did not ask him why. Instead, they have 


explained classic Kissinger techniques in 
diplomacy and the Secretary's arguments 
inst moralism in diplomacy 

They have, quite rightfully, shown his 
brilliance, his stamina, his ambition, his 
genius for negotiations and the clever use 
of humor “to ingratiate himself with his 
to deflect attack and, when 
possible, to lower the level of criticism.” 
The long and exhausting Vietnam and 
Middle East negotiations are reported as 
nsidering that the 
Кай were kept outside the conference 
rooms, totally dependent on American 
sources for their version of what hap- 
pened, What is not told is just as impor- 
tant. It is how Kissinger, so close to 
President Nixon, could not have known 
about the Ellsberg break-in or some of the 
e chapters. 


audience 


well as posible, € 


uglier Wate 


Richard Gardner's The Adventures of 
Don Juan (Viking) wittily weaves history 


1d myth together, in a densely tapes- 
tried examination of Homo eroticus as 
man at the reasoning, questing center of 
things. Elegant framing devices high- 
light the legend latent in the man; the 
“historical” Don Juan is kept remote 
and mysterious. But Gardner's zestfully 
encyclopedic portrayal of 17th Century 
Spain isolates the ardent seducer in a 


series of vivid close-ups. One of na 
luckiest noblemen, the fledgling Juan 
Ten 
men of his age: He is student, courtier, 
actor, artist; later in life, a disenchanted 
penitent morosely schooled in muta- 
bility, imperfection and post coitu triste. 
The boy Juan successfully resists the 


› becomes all the representative 


blandishments of the spiritual life (but 
its humorless realism dogs his idlest 
amours—embodied as dark-cloaked priests 
of the Inquisition; or, worse, in his own 
prompting of inexplicable terrors), His 
first “experiences” are unadulterated hu- 
miliations; must the гоиб» life, too, be 
a short, unsatisfying one? Undaunted, 
Juan sinks easefully into a lascivious 
plethora of satiations: seducing the sau- 
sage-shop girl, on the dares of fellow 
students; patiently bearing the ingenious 
experimentations of a lissome sadomas- 
with 
an insistent male. Don Juan's winsome 


ochist; even trying out “poofery,” 


“deficiencies” are memorialized with para- 
doxical gusto. A zealous philosophe in 
pursuit of the golden mean, he plumbs 
earthier depths, too, hoping for that 
parallel “golden moment” of mutual 
orgasm. The amazing key to his sexual 
success: Juan is afflicted with retardismo 


(alflicted?); ladies gratefully adore his 
overmastering  idiosyncrasy—"the state 


of always desi Ever aware of 


the sardonic void that trap-doors just be 
neath sensory pleasurings, this Don Juan 
is a complex. knowing citizen of delicate 
ly intersecting opposed spheres. Gardner's 
sophisticated romance is a memorable por- 
trait of an irresistible late-Renaissance 
man, for whom the exercise of e 


с 
power is a salutary brandishing of all 
man’s hungry potentialities. 

Why is it that when the world really 
needs a book on one subject or another, 
it always seems to get the worst book 


possible? Mick Jagger and The Rolling 
Stones may not have a lot to say about 
the way we've been living for the past 
ten y 
us more about these times than all the 


ars or so; but they, themselves, tell 


sociologists, priests, soothsayers, diviners, 
pundits and oracles in the Western Hemi 
sphere, and you can throw in half the 
Eastern Hemisphere to sweeten the pot 
So what do we get? We get Tony Sca- 
duto and Mick Jagger: Everybody's Lucifer 
(David McKay). Which is to sty, we 
get garbage. 

Scaduto (whose last outing was a bad 
portrait of Bob Dylan, so what did we 
expect?) has tried to tell us of the Stones 
in a technique and style that some 
deranged friend or editor must have told 
him was “new journalism.” ‘The results 
are to Gay Talese what Rod McKuen is 
to William Blake. Scaduto himself must 
not have been sure that he understood 


the method, because he uses italics to let 
the reader know when some passage is 
terribly important. For instance: Here is 
Marianne Faithfull, Jagger's former girl 
friend, waxing insightful on the soul of 
the man she loves: “Mick thinks of him- 
self first. Not always, a lot of times he 
doesn't. But basically, Mick's selfish 
Maybe not selfish, exactly, but just self- 
centered. That's understandable, certain- 
ly, because of all the attention he gets 
and can command, 
the pop star, He'd 


have to be a saint 


not to be self-cen 
tered under these 
conditions, 
he'd have 


to be 


ing hair shirts 
Heavy, 


working against it and 
And only a saint can do that.” 
huh? 

But it's no worse than Scaduto’s own 
ramblings. He spends about half the book 
telling the reader just how close Brian 
Jones, an original Stone who drowned a 
few years back, was to death, wishing it 
and courting it. The way Scaduto tells 
it, Jones spent more time near the edge 
than а hangr 
drugs, suicide attempts, busts and riots 
But nowh 
paragraph, is there опе lucid insight, one 


an. Then there are the 


е, not even in a careless 


original note. So until a real writer goes 
after the Stones, you'll have to play the 


albums, sniff a little coke and write your 


own book 

America’s legendary trout angler is 
back 
at the turn of the century in the Dead 
Hills of Oregon. The Hawkline Monster 


‚ this time with two hired guns 


100% Scotch Whiskies. 86.8 Proof. Imported by Somerset Importers, Ltd., N.Y. 


Bob really knows how to throw a party. 
He never runs out of Johnnie Walker Red. 


PLAYBOY 


24 


non & Schuster), subtitled “A Gothic 
Western,” by author Richard Brautigan, 
is as slim and grotesque as a Victorian 
hag creeping through ice caves and about 
as subtle as a flying buttress. 

The affable killers, Cameron (who 
counts everything from bullet holes in a 
cross to the number of times he chews his 
food) and Greer (who seems to have 
Brautigan’s knack for timely assertion), 
are hired by Magic Child, “quite a pret- 
ty” Indian girl who “looked so calm you 
would have thought she had been raised 
in а land where bodies hung everywhere 
like flowers” and who has studied at the 
Sorbonn 

The job: Kill a monster who skulks 
and howls in the ice 


5 basement 
created his 


laboratory. Dr. Hawkline 
monster from ingredients ranging from 


f some- 


n potions tọ drops 
g from the Egyptian pyram 
was rumored, Atlantis. In return for the 
gift of life, the monster turns Dr, Hawk- 
line into ап elephant’sfoot umbrella 
stand. Hawkline Manor is occupied by 
the doctor's identical daughters, Miss 
Hawkline and Miss Hawkline (who are 
identical to Magic Child), All three are 
exactly id |. which seems to bother 
nobody but the Hawkline Monster, and 
everything bothers it. Phosphorescent 
and assuming small changeable forms, 
sounding like water being poured, а bark- 
ing dog and a drunken parrot, it is fol- 
lowed by its well-meaning, independently 
minded but physically bound shadow as 
the monster drags it through Hawkline 
Manor, a kind of “back East” St, Louis 


e is a real plot and а thread 
of continuity that rans through chunky, 
one-page chapters containing passages 
that run a gamut of style from Poe to 
Zane Grey, from Ian Fleming to George 
V. Higgins. This is certainly Brauti 
gan's most simultaneously unified and 
eclectic work, 


Recent and notable: Some new books 
by veteran novelists. Richard Gondon’s 
Winter Kills (Dial) uncomfortably updates 
his memorable thriller The Manchurian 
Candidate, This time, we're made to 
look backward, from 1974 to 1960, 
when popular Irish-American President 
Tim Kegan was assassinated in the City 
ol Brotherly Love. A Government com- 
mission confirmed the single-assassin 
theory and closed the case. Years later, 
Kegan’s half brother Nick Thirkield 
hears a deathbed confession from the 
“second rifle.” Condon keeps it moving 
breathlessly, back and forth across the 
globe. In calmer times, Condon's brea 
neck plot and florid resolution might 
seem crazily melodramatic; these days, 
it totters right on the edge of plain 
credibility. The Road to Many a Wonder 
(Farrar, Straus & Giroux), by Da 
Wagoner, is another lively chronicle of 


American innocents afoot in remarkable 
experiences. It reminds you a lot, in fact, 
of Charles Portis’ True Grit. Hero Ike 
Bender narrates—in dialect that does go 
оп a mite long—his awkward odyssey as 
а gold prospector heading for the Prom- 
ised Land of Pikes Peak, Dragging his 
trusty wheelbarrow (christened alter an 
admiring girl), Ike ambles over а bus- 
ding terrain mined with quick-witted 
robbers, traveling evangelists and stam- 
peding buffaloes. Surviving them all, he 
arrives wearily at manhood, and some- 
thing more (“You have struck it 
baggedy-ass rich”). Louis Auchincloss 
continues his urban studies of powers 
that be and haves that control in The 
Partners (Houghton Mifflin). In elegant- 
ly shaped, interlocking stories, the con- 
flicting desires and ambitions of sev 
gonists are set against the ра 
assumption of understanding that comes 
to Beeky Ehninger. Though competitive 
pressures force his Wall Street law firm 
into disagreeable new alliances, Ehninger 
keeps a complacent faith in the law 
unmistakable and liberating truth. 
If this sounds unconvincingly pat, it is 
framed in a realistic account of the way 
men and institutions function. Quietly, 
The have- 
nots hold center st Yglesias’ 
Double Double (V laconic chron- 
icle of not-so-young radicals on the ideo- 
logical circuit. Its plot wheels right 
along, sparkling with the detailed toils 
and troubles of those explosive, danger. 
ous days (was it really only four or 
five years адо?). But the real center is 


Yglesias’ frightening antihero, Seth 
Evergood. “The only American Sartre 
trusts” is, despite that endorseme 


bundle of exposed nerves and inherited 
uncertainties. En route to libera 
Seth runs across some unlooked-for 
epiphanies that resonate ominously for 
him—and the rest of us. 


THEATER 


Previews: It's Good News for backward. 
looking Broadway this season. The 
revival of the 1927 DeSylva-Brown-H. 
derson ral-rah musical, now starr 
Alice Faye and John Payne, $ scheduled 
ack its traveling trunk of old songs 
ovember third the St. James). A 
new Gypsy, with everything presumably 
coming up roses for Angela Lansbury fol- 
lowing a successful stint in London and 
round the U.S. will open September 
(at the Winter Garden). The season's 
l, Mack & Mabel, is about 
its title characters are silent- 
еду-такег Mack Sennett and his star 
el Normand. This David Merrick 
with score by Jerry Herman, book 
by Michael Stewart and direction by 
Gower Champion, is scheduled to open 
at the Majestic in October, starring Rob- 
t Preston, Bernadette Peters and Lisa 
Kirk. Beue Davis has promised to make 


her musical debut in Miss Moffat, а trans- 
position of her 1945 movie The Corn Is 
Green from a Welsh coal-mining area to 
South. The book is by the 
thor, Emlyn Williams, and 
Joshua Logan, who will also direct. On 
tap is a black Wizard of Oz, to be titled 
п “We're off to see The Wiz.” 
An influx of British theater will be 
led by Peter Shaffer's hit Equus, which 


1 
probes the psyche of a stableboy hung up 


on horses (opening October 24). Alan 
Ayckbourn’s Absurd Person Singular (Octo- 
ber eighth at the Music Box) is an Ameri- 
can production of a London play about 
three friendly married couples. Starring 
re Richard Kiley, Geraldine Page and 
Alan Ben- 
rce, may bring Alec Guin- 

dwa 
“political fantasy” by, and starring. 
Peter Ustinov that documents Who's Who 


Sandy Dennis. Habeas Corpu: 
nett’s doctor 


last spring at the Arena Stage in Wash 
ington, D.C., and is now ticketed for 
Broadway. Melodrama will be represent- 
ed by Russell O'Neil’s Call Me Bock, whose 
central character, an actress, is to be 
played by Arlene Francis (directed by 
Anthony Perkins). 

ighlight of Joseph Papp’s second 
season at the V Beaumont Theater 
at Lincoln Genter will be the American 
stage debut of Liv Ullmann in А Doll's 
House. The resuscitated Circle in the 
Square on Broadway will present revivals 
of The Member of the Wedding, Death of o 
Salesman and Eugene O'Neill's rarely per 
formed АЙ God's Chillun Got Wings, plus 
its postponed m of Look 
Homeward, Angel, 
Homeward. 

And Ron White and his crazy con- 
federates, who gave the world El Grande 
de Coca-Cola, turn to comic crime 
with Bullshot Crummond. 


Doug Henning is fantastic. A magi- 


cian—he calls himself an illusionist—this 


Sane 


Rates and C 


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27-year-old Canadian turns legerdemain 


into rt form, In The Magie Show, lic 


transforms a dove into a rabbit and a 


lady into а lion—and that’s only the be 


ginning. There is also a levitating lady, a 


woman sawed in half (the bottom half is 


removed from the stage) and a demon 
stration 


A girl is tied 
box: then, preste 


locked in a 
1¢ girl is out of 


the box and the m ian has magically 


taken her place (and even managed to 


ye his costume in the process). The 


illustrious i mist whe es ай this 


prestidigitat 
drake but a ¢ 


suming your 


is по top-haued Man 


sareed, disarmingly unas 
man who makes it fun for 

The one trick he should 
immediately add to his act is to make the 


rest of The Magic Show disappear. For 


us to be fe 


some reason, the producers have decided 
to trap Henning in а book musical, some 
he club in 


thing about a fourth-rate 


Passaic, New Jersey, and a tenth-rate ma 
gician (played by David € 
o break up the upst 
by Ste 1 like re 


en Schwarı 


ue í Godspell and Pit maybe 
because he wrote them). and the book by 
А 
/ 
у 
Кыа, 
Bob Randall (who wrote 6 Rms Ri 
Fu) should be drowned in the riv, along 


with two noisy chorus girls who screech 
bad jokes at each other. It would have 
been much better if Henning simply 
headed a vaudeville bill. By himself, and 
even ensnared in The Magic Show, he is 


sen nal, At the Cort, 138 West 48th 


Street 


Charles Ludlam, the demonic force be 
hind the Ridiculous Theatrical Com: 
d 


pany, is a playwright, director, acto 


comic lunatic. His bizarre crea 
ranging from the necromantic insanitics 
of Blu 
pone of Corn, have spiced experimental 
for 


many years. Now he has returned to one 


heard to the country-western corn 


theater in New York and on tow 


of his, and Сагро, g у as Co- 


mille. For Ludlam, who specializes in mad 


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It's one thing to make the most. 
And another to make the best. 


We do both. 


out of evey 3 automatic turntables in the world. That's more 
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delivering a “Kung Fu chop suey” and 


finally, an entire regiment of marching 


men and clatter horses—with a little 


help from a I hysterical audience 
At the Circle in the Square/ Je 


Levine, 1633 Broadway 


ter trou п 
San Fr 1 r 
respondent to ‹ 
joint. He 

Improvisational theater, which traces 
its descent from Punch and Judy, the 


Piccolo Teatro of Milan, the theories of 


up of Ameri. 


Viola Spolin and the acting 


can burlesque, Bert Lahr and Marx 

thers, was the great stage discovery of 
the beatnik era. The Con Players 
begat Second City, which begat The 
Committee, which begat many minicom 
mittees doing gigs on Broadway and 
college tours wvisational theater's 


slight! 


vattles to 


impact depended on educated 


alienated iences; it won its 


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began to flounder during the noisy final 
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became a way of life for a whole nation. 


In the summer of 1968, in Chicago 
Paul Sills wove the threads of improvisa 
tion and traditional folklore together 
into a new fabric, Story Theater. Having 


passed through New Haven, Los An 


geles, Washington, a season of Canadian 
television and another оп Broadway 
(where it won two Tony Awards), Story 


Theater has found a new home on hospi 


table ground, in San Francisco's Mont 


gomery Playhouse, built on the spot at 
622 Broadway where The Committee 
opened 11 years ago. 

As interpreted by Story Theater, con 
temporary madness fits with  timeles 
relevance into the legends once heard at 
your mother’s knee: Our Lady's Child, a 
fable about knowledge in which a lady 
raised in heaven opens a forbidden door 
and learns too much; The Farmer and 
the Moneylender, a parable of sacrifice 
delivered in hilarious mime; The Blue 
Light, in which an old soldier confounds 


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PLAYBOY 


32 


with a 
produced by Dow Chemical 
whim of the 


his enemies magic lamp not 
and many 
others, changing with the 
performers. 

The barest suggestion of music, lights 
А man walks 


fashion and the 


and motion sets the mood 
in “slowsis-fast маде 
seems buffeted by cropdestroying whirl 
a wave of the 


winds: hand in the air 


lom by the sea, and a fast 


A perfect 


creates a kin, 


chop brings it tumbling down 


fox, with crafty tail and cunning snarl, 


puts on a long black cape and becor 


your archetypal heartwarming 
Story 1 


it overcomes history 


princess 
saving prince iter is magic, it 
is satire and distrac 
tion, it is disturbing and it fills 90 min 
utes with laughter 

All this is carried out by a sterling cast 
of high-LQ. freaks 
(Jolin) Brent: Melinda Dillon, who or 
Honey in Wh 
Afraid of Virginia Woolf? on Broadway 
Richard Schaal 
mercials and getting 


Sinbad X. Nimrod 


whose рг 


including Gardner 


inated the role of s 
tired of starring in com 
rich in TV; and 
(Garry 
is equally divided 
Theater, Na 
and the fact 


Goodrow), 


gram listi 


between credis—Living 


tional Lampoon Lemmings 


that “his first arrest for civil disobedience 


occurred in 1956.” 


In the lobby of the 


playhouse is an 


cating establishment called, sensibly 
enough, the Lobby Restaurant. Though 
it deals in standard 1974 groovy— plants 


skylight 


lovers of gustatory nostalgia сап wallow 


no bras, plenty of real wood 


in some pertinent rarities, The fish is 


genuinely fresh, the vegies seem never 
to have known a freezing compartment 
and the 


able, charmi 


waitresses are friendly, agree 
and prompt 
wallpaper, a new and ex 
palegreen flocked pattern that 
would be bett d to the top charm 
school in Dubrovnik. But you don't have 


to eat or listen to the wallpaper, and its 


There is 


one flaw: th 


pensive 


5 


cllect disappears once Henny Penny, 
back onstage, begins her absolutely up: 
todate account of the sky falling. Story 


night but Mon 
Sunday matinees for 


Theater is open every 
day and Tuesday 


kids and tourists, 


ACTS AND 
ENTERTAINMENTS 


Miller writes re 
National Lampoon and is 


Chris arly for the 


coming our 


1 East Coast Dep 
His latest report 


Unoffic 


avity Scout 


Still searching for some genuinely de 
iment in this, our era of 
friend 


Linda and 1 attended a performance of 


cadent enter 


political and moral decay, my 
Zou, the imported Parisian cabaret revue 
that has quickly built for New York's 
Blue Angel a reputation as the chicquest 


hight spot in 


town and has been de 


scribed repeatedly in ad 


and write-ups 
Well, it wasn't 


1 would call depraved 


nily depraved. 
exactly what 
depravity to me has always meant some 


naked 
to pick up wine bottles 


thing more 


along the lines of 


women squatting 


without using their hands—but it was 


especially since the cost of 


the show has been reduced from а genu 
inely depraved S100 15, which in 
cludes a dinner, it could be well worth 


your while to check it out 
What occurs is this: Twenty-five or so 


cast members, decked out in a splendid 
variety of costumes and make-up, change 
on and off the stage, singly and in 


mps, to perform an hour's worth of 


od-natured in 


nations (or cari 


catures, depending on your 
view) the likes of Ma 
Jean Harlow, E 


ınd Cher, lip 


point of 


lene Dietrich 
Midler and Sonny 


by a continuous amed music 


well-pre 


tape played through the club's sound sys 


tem. The pace isr 
and if Mae West 


Andrews Sisters are 


pid. the show nonstop, 
Liza Minnelli and the 
your bag, you may 


find the parade of pseudo celebrities cu: 


phoric and dizzying. What it all reminded 
me of was my college days, when a bunch 
of us would cluster drunkenly around the 
jukebox and enact the 
My Girl. 


knee dips and syncopated spins. 


Temptations sing 


complete with hand jive 


Temptations moves, if you're into the 


Temptations, is a lot of fun, and the east 


of Zou seemed to be having just as much 
fun imitating its showbiz heroes. Long 


before the confettithrowing, music-blar 


ing cancan finale, the audience had be 


come totally infected with the cast’s good 


cheer, capping their hands, pounding 


their tabletops and generally leavin, 


cares of the day far behind 

Because several of the male performers 
ire in drag part of the time, Zou is wide 
ly believed to be a 
Strictly 


transvestite revue 
speaking. it isn’t—the сам in 
dudes only five 


parttime transvestites, 


plus one individual described by the 
show's producer as “half ‘n half’—he 


takes hormone 


jections to create petite 


but perceptible boobs. This confusion 


about the performers’ gender just adds а 


Much 


about who has what 


bit of titillation wudience time is 


spent speculating 


between his/her legs. To set the record 


straight, there are fully 13 females in the 


cast, so the odds are at any g 


ven moment 


that the 


man you're miming ас 


tually is a woman, But not always. Could 


that be hair on Marlene Dietrich’s chest 


\ bulge in Carol Channing's groin? One 
can never be sure, and if the show сап 
be said to have a point, it's that we сап 


all be sexy in whatever mode we choose 


regardless of what sort of genitals the 


Lord has stuck us with 


Intermingled with the impersonations 
ire several comedy bits. In one particu: 
larly strange episode, a penon called 
Unbelievable Michelle—who turned out 
to be the aforementioned half ‘n’ half 
sporting a long dir gown and lovely 
auburn hair, lipsyneed а 

while six guys behind him, dressed only 
in football helmets, shoulder pads and 
large athletic supporters fitted with 


basketshaped cups, did a Sid Caesarish 


dance routine that included much bend 
the audience. As 


р 1 
ing over and moor 


the spotlights those pert 


posteriors. my friend Linda pointed out 


that this particular group of dancers was 


graced with hairy aves, which she liked 

She was most struck, however, with the 
penultimate act of the show. In this se 
quence, what at first appears to be a sul 


try female transforms her imo a male 


before the audience's fascinated eyes, 


removing clothes. bra, wig and 
up, then 


leather jacket а 


T-shirt 
ff the ма 


donning jeans 


walking 
to disappear into the crowd 
This turned Linda on, but, unfortu 


nately, at no time during the evening did 


I share her sense of arousal. I really did 


like the 


coarse, hetero and American to be affected 


show, but 1 guess I'm just too 


its displays of nau 


pruriently by ty 


As far as I'm concerned 


European unisex 


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34 


American sexiness is much sexier. Two 
cheeseburgers and a Marilyn Chambers 


to go, please. 


Over the past two years in the Big 
Apple, there has been an extraordinary 
proliferation of jazz clubs, During any 
given week now, jazz of diverse styles is 
on hand in nearly 70 night clubs in the 
five boroughs of the city of New York. 
Nonetheless, the recent opening of Buddy's 
Place—on Second Avenue and 64th Street 
(part of what has long been swingers’ 


row, as far as singles are concerned)—is 
a singular addition to the Manhattan 
jazz scene 

The Buddy whose name the place 
bears is virtuoso drummer, sometime pu 
list Buddy Rich. Having decided it was 
time, after decades of almost continuous 
traveling, to have a base of operations, 


Buddy now has his own room, where 
he'll be playing at least 26 weeks a year 
with such jazz figures as Joe Williams 


and George Shearing taking over for 
interim periods. 

Housed in a red-brick building above 
Sam’s, a steakhouse of some repute, Bud 
dy's Place seats 200 comfortably. All 


around the г 


photographs of the 
ownerdrummer, who has never been ac- 
g overly modest. ‘Th 
Buddy the boy vaudevillian, Buddy the 
prominent sideman with bandleaders he 
has since eclipsed and the more-or-less 
mature Buddy Rich of now—in full color. 

OF course, what will make Buddy's 
Place flourish, or slide into oblivion, is 
the quality of the music. Rich, who still 
plays with the expression of а plain- 


cused of bei is 


clothes detective moving 


suspect, 
is setting high, swinging standards for 
the jazz makers who will alternate with 
him from time to time 

Complementing Rich's own exuber- 
anty precise drumming is Jimmy Macu- 
lin, a marvelously loose but vigorous 


conjugator of bongos and conga drums, 
Also in the rhythm section are pianist 
hn Hicks, a crisp modernist; Fender 
bassist Tony Jackson; and guitarist Jack 
Wilkins, a stunning technician whose 
conception is uncommonly fresh and 


often quite moving. One night, he 
the lively crowd—usually a mixtu 
young and the middleaged—into nearly 
absolute silence while creating a whole 
new dimension of inner voicings in A 
Day in the Life of a Fool. 


Cooking on the front line are Sonny 
Fortune (alto, soprano and flute) and 
the hard-edged, driving tenor of Sal Nis 
tico, a noted alumnus of one of the 
Woody Herman Herds 

The ambience at Buddy's Place is as 
informal as the leader, whose attire 
usually consists of sweater, sport shirt and 
slacks. At the end of one set, Rich told 
the manifestly pleased audience, “We're 
taking an intermission and we'll be 


back—well, we'll be back when we feel 
like it! It’s my joint.” 

Buddy's joint is dark on Sundays. 
There's no cover, but there is а music 
charge of four dollars on week nights 
and five dollars on weekends, The food 
(ribs, hamburgers, barbecued chicken in a 
basket) comes fro: 's downstairs. 


RECORDINGS 


There have always been individual 
women in rock ‘n’ roll who can kick the 
brains out of the back of your head—Jop- 
lin did it all too briefly and Maggie 
Bell, among others, is doing it today. But 


there's never really been an all-women’s 
yup that could switch on the heavy 


ie light in your head—so we 
were happy to get a call from Josh 
Mills, who told us he'd found one. Josh 
does reviews for the New York Daily 
News, among others, and here's what he 
had to say: 


bod 


Several feminist friends have dragged 
me off to hear Isis, the eight-woman rock 
band that's the rage of underground 
New York, and I'm not sure what to ex- 
pect, politically or musically. When we 


get to Trude Heller’s, one of New Y 
few remaining discothèques, а glitter 
joint frequented chiefly by gays and bi- 
als, it’s jammed. 

Over against the bar, Carol Масроп- 
ald, the leader and founder of Isis, is 
having a double, With her fiveinch sil 


ver-heeled boots, she’s just tall enough to 
see over the bar, Her left hand on her 
hip, cape flung back to reveal the gold 
and-blue sequined jacket, Carol looks 
tough, and 1 approach apprehensively 
“It always helps to get shit-faced before 
wai 


а show,” she announces. 
that’s not true. Just a couple of drinks to 
loosen up.” And she turns and gets an 


other double. My political expectations? 


I dunno; dancing and sweating and 


drinking are what's goi 


ng on, women’s 


band or no. The stage is really no st 
at all, just a portion of the floor blocked 
off from d: 


icing. But tonight is special 
for as Carol polishes off her second 


drink, Trude herself is clearing dancers 
from the floor, setting up a ¢ 
line from the bandstand to the Impor 
tant Guests: record-company executives, 
Lou Reed, Alice Cooper, Three Dog 


Night and Herb Alpert, all ready to listen 


and perhaps bid for Isis services, since 
it is without a recording contract 

It’s time for music and I'm still bewil- 
dered. Will they blow their chops? (Do 
women have chops?) Isis strides out, as 
sertively. It's not the first allewoman rock 
band, a wadition that dates back at least 
to the Sixties, when Goldie & the Ginger 
breads (Carol was a Gingerbread) opened 
tours for The Rolling Stones. Isis is a 
lot to take in. Three horns, drums, con- 
gas, bass, two guitars. The members range 


in ay from 20 to early 30s and in dress 
from Carol's glitter a 
bonist’s overalls, half unbuttoned. Sev 
enly gay, I've heard, 
guy, and the rest, 
and half-trying to 


4 cape to the trom 


eral of them are с 


and one lives with 
well, I'm fantasizing 
look at them as 

But they start in 


sicians. 
d make it casy! I'm 


overwhelmed, jumpin 
the bench, scream 
more nuts than I've been at a concert 
since I first saw The Who in a small 
club ten years ago. ‘The record-company 


up and down on 


with excitement, 


men are beating time and tryi 
sweat. Three Dog Night rocks bi 


not to 
k and 


forth (and later 
act for its tour). Herb Alpert is covering 


his eyes; he later said he didn't want to 
be influenced by how they looked—but 


о drive away 


he looks like he’s praying 
а nightmare eight women һом 


music good deal hotter than his mid- 
dle-of-the-road mariachis. 
The music builds. At its best, Isis 


mixes the horn lines and precision of 


Chicago with the rhythms of Santana, 


and it's cooking, and the crowd's jump 


ing, and the women are grinning, and 1 
am, too, and not because Isis is a wom 


en's band but because it's Мом its 


chops off, yeah! With equal disregard 
for the Karen Carpenter flash-those 
teeth-and-roll-those-eyes flirtation and the 
Tina Turner suck-your-cock approach 
Isis makes music, But women musicians 


each other on the ass after 


slappin 


solos? It takes some getting used to. 


That night was a few months 


Bids came їп, despite the vinyl shortage 
d Isis has an album out on Buddah 
yrds, and the cover should lay to rest 
1 
nude bodies, covered hair to sole in sil 
ver paint, Not really attractive, but, God 


knows, it's striki 


R 


feminist obsessions: € 


t glistening 


and will make you 


look twice, and hopefully tote the album 


home and play it, and that’s what it's all 
about 

While falling short of the magic of 
that night at Trude Heller's, зв is still a 


fine first album. Carol's is husky, 


Ti your cigarette is like most, all it can boast 
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wi 


PLAYBOY 


36 


What Yashica means 
to the “sports” photographer. 


Yashica electronic cameras are real people 
pleasers. Let you take pictures automatically—just ж „, 

aim, focus, shoot. So you're ready in an instant to tan 
capture those memorable once їп а lifetime shots 
— like great "sports" photos of your family's 
favorite athlete. And the picture quality will 
delight you. Yashica makes several different 
automatic cameras, including the Electro-35 GS 
and 35-ME (shown). See them all at your local 
Yashica dealer. 


“Bring it back alive.” 


“Professionally, people see me playing con- 
certs or leading the Tonight Show Orchestra. 
But when 1 relax to the purest sounds of 
my favorite music, nothing brings it back 
alive like the Sound of Koss. So take a tip 


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you've never beard it before. Ж, 


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assertive, never laying back and lulli 
you off 


ward but nudging you contin. 
ually. It stands up well in front of the 
big band. Producer Shadow Morton has 
opted for longer solos and duets more 
often than the wall-otsound effect, which 
makes for a few cw 
specter runs thr 


ous effects: a jazzlike 


the album, the cuts 
for AM radio play) 
and some of the intensity is diffused 


are long (too lor 


The best tracks are when the horns 
lead. 
when the guitars slash instead of strum 
and the 
the sor 


shift from punctuating to blowin 


atin rhythms sweep through 


in short, when they cook. Wait 


ing for the Sonrise, wisely placed as the 


ching cut, bears hearing twice 


all the nuances. Servant Saviour 
April Fool 
Mixed ато 


ft me whistling for days 


he rockers are some pon 


derous ballads, but it takes a while for 
any large band to find a studio groove 
In the months since Trude Heller's, Isis 
has been on the move. It's played TV 


concerts and two long tours and сац 


crabs in Kansas City—all those germ 


natin’ experiences that make veterans of 
the unproven. It's movin’ right smartly 
down the road 


Bob Wills 
with one hand react f 
d 
р 


in whatever Dixieland jazz might have 


gan his musical career 


the “break 


strayed west from New Orleans to Tur 
key, Texas, over the Twenties airwaves 
With the simplicity characteristic of gen 
ius, Wills combined them. He took the 
mountain breakdown and taught it how 


to behave in a Georgian mansion. The 


music still reeled, I bowed and 


curtsied, Wills formed 


band in the 
Thirties, and it not only worked, it 
made him famous. By the carly Forties, 
b Wills and His Texas Р 
ridden the crest of Western Swing into 


boys had 


the mainstream of American music. His 
influence is still so pervasive that, well, 
do you hear that jazz lick on guitar or 
fiddle quietly rippling behind the latest 
crusty hillbilly lyrics? You can almost be 
certain Bob Wills or one of his Playboys 
holds the water rights to it 

And that’s the reason why Merle 


own from Chicago in late 


ber 197 
wucker-d.j. Larry Scott didn't show up 


nd why Los Angeles 


for work on the night of December first 
Bob Wills and His Texas Playboys re 
corded For the Lost Time (United Artists) 
December third and fo 
Remember the dates, In its quieter way 


һ in Dallas. 


the session is as much a landmark for 
country music as Woodstock was for 
rock. True, it's nostalg 
of jazzbilly guitar, Eld 


the creator 
a Shamblin; the 
creator of steel guitar, Leon McAuliffe 
the creator of countryswing piano, Al 
Stricklin; Johnny Gimble, who is proba 
bly the best fiddle and electric mandolin 


Muddle % cube sugar 
in glass with dash 
bitters and splash club 
soda. Add ice 

and one jigger 

L.W. Harper Bourbon. 
Add % orange slice 
and cherry. 


Now, enjoy 
the smoothest, 
best tasting 
Old-Fashioned 
ever built. 


79 


وو وروي Va‏ 


I. W. HARPER. From Kentucky Distillery No. 1 


i $6 Proot Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey - © 1974 LW. Harper Distilling Co., Louisville, Ky. 


37 


PLAYBOY 


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40 


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eventually, clear skies. But not until 
you've been thoroughly convinced that 
Josef Zawinul, Wayne Shorter and 
their fellow Reporters are the most dy- 
namic and sophisticated musicians any- 
where. The LP kicks off with a jazzrock 
juggernaut in Nubian Sundance: it 
sounds bigger than life and twice as ex- 
citing. Cucumber Slumber and the title 
tune are also high-voltage numbers. But 
after coming through these musical 
Storms, you get a moment of real tran- 
quillity in Blackthorn К, duet by 
Shorter and Zawinul; a majestic piece of 
Moog-flavored music in Scarlet Woman 
and Jungle Book, which doses the rec- 
ord as it be; „ with a tasteful reference 
to its African roots—embellished with 
a number of Third World instruments, 
from tabla to kalimba, and suffused with 
а beautiful cooled-out feelin 

We found Miles Da 
(Columbia) a big frustration. It is ob 
viously а major undertaking—four Davis 
a side—with almost 
z business on 


twin-LP Big Fun 


So what's the problem? Well, 
we think Davis has lost the forest for the 
trees, Three of the sides are filled wi 
fragments, bits, pieces, never offering 
enough solid substance for the listener 
to grab on to. It is only Go Ahead 
John, done with half the men of the 
other tracks, that does it all for us, but 
it is absolutely smashing. There's Miles 
on trumpet, Jack De Johnette on drums, 
Steve Grossman on soprano sax, John 
McLaughlin on guitar and Dave Hol 
land on bass, Davis, particularly when 
he overdubs himself, is at the top of 
his powers 


1-40 Country (Mercury) is the latest in 
a long line of exceptional country-and- 
western offerings by master showman 
Jerry Lee Lewis. From the opening steel 
guitar licks of He Can't Fill My Shoes to 
the closing strains of the classic Room 
Full of Roses, it’s an album packed with 
down-home country blues and rock Пу 
swing. With a piano that сап pump or 
tinkle with the best of them and the 
familiar glissandi that punctuate Jerry 
Lee’s soulful vocal stylings, the perform: 
ance fairly bristles with the easy bra- 
vado that comes of nearly 20 years as а 
chart topper. The anonymous sidemen 
provide a high degree of good taste and 
smooth execution, with the pedal-steel- 
work displaying some outof-the-ordinary 
expressiveness. and imagination. The 
Killer is alive and well in Nashville. 


MOVIES 


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and Airport, both whopping financial 
successes. Look for an inevitable sequel 
titled Beyond the Poseidon Adventure some- 
time next year (another ocean liner in 
distress, presumably), preceded this fall 
by Airport 1975, taking off with an all-star 
cast of nail biters led by Charlton Heston, 
Karen Black, George Kennedy, Susa 
Clark, Myrna Loy, Gloria Swanson and 
singer Helen Reddy 

Among the chief holiday attractions 
for late ‘74 (while guns blaze around Al 
Pacino, Robert Duvall and their adver 
saries in The Godfather—Part II) will be two 
large-screen epics of destruction. First, 
producer-director Mark Robson's Earth- 
quake describes the effects of massive nat 
ural catastrophe in the Los Angeles area, 
Heston and Kennedy attending again 
(two stouthearted men for апу emer 
gency), alongside Ava Gardner, Richard 
Roundtree, Victoria Principal and Gene 


vieve Bujold. Then comes The Towering 
Inferno, with appropriate heroics from 
Steve McQueen, Paul Newman, William 
Holden, Faye Dunaway, Fred Astaire 
and Jennifer Jones, while the world’s tall 
est skyscraper goes up in flames 

Had enough? Not yet you haven't 
Turn off those TV talk shows and мау 
tuned for subsequent SOS signals from 
producer-director Robert Wise’s The Hin- 
denburg, co-starring George С. Scott with 
d blimp, and Jugger- 
таш, with Richard Harris (at sea, but 
sinking fast). Just to round out the cycle 
20th Century-Fox has had scenarist Ed: 
ward Anhalt at work adapting a novel 
titled The Day the World Ende 
tainly sounds climactic 


that famous doc 


which cer 


If spectacular events don't sell a movie, 
spectacular stars appear to be the most 
popular form of insurance with current 
film makers. 1 
names and bigger names, in thick clus- 


wend is toward big 


ters. On this score, few can top Para 
mount’s Christmas release, Murder on the 
Orient Express—ani Һа Christie sus- 
pense classic directed by Sidney Lumet, 
with England's Albert Finney playing 
detective Hercule Poirot visà-vis а wain 


load of suspects including Lauren Bacall, 
Myrna Loy, Wendy Hiller, Martin Bal 
sam, Ingrid Bergman, Jacqueline Bisset, 
Sean Connery, Michael York, Tony Per 
kins, Vanessa Redgrave, Rachel Roberts, 
Richard Widmark and Sir John Giel 


gud, no less. Moving right along into 


1975, theater marquees will be lit up with 
such provocative combos as the one in 
Shampoo, Warren Beatty top-billed as a 
phenomenally horny hairdresser who 
Idie Hawn and 
ictims into his 


teases Julie Christie, € 


dozens of other willir 
lair, Director Peter Bog 
Porter musical, At Long Last Love, has a 


novich’s Cole 


batch of unpublished Porter tunes as well 
as a mixed bag of stars headed by Burt 
Reynolds, Madeline Kahn and Bogdano. 
vich's favorite songstress, Cybill Shepherd 

Talk about superstars, Gin any duo top 
Katharine Hepburn and John Wayne 


teamed for the first time in Rooster Cog- 
burn, a sequel to Wayne's True С 
Robert Redford will be back soon as 
The Great Waldo Pepper, а barnstorming 
pilot of the Gatsby era, with Margot Kid 
about 


der and Susan Sarandon worryin; 
nust care that Natalie 


ovies after a five-year 


him. Someone 
Wood returns te 


absence (since Bob & Carol & Ted & 
Alice) opposite Michael Caine in Fot 
Chance, a Hollywood yarn set in the 
Forties. Some California rumrunners of 
the Thirties are the subject of director 
Stanley Donen’s Lucky (еду, in starting 
„with L 
ow, there ате 


po а Minnelli superstarred 


few casting coups that 
should skirt disaster and give the nostal 
gia boom a badly needed lift 

Robin Lee Gi 


teenager who set off alone in a 


ham was a California 


$-foot 
sloop to sail around the world and find 
himself. While doing 
married an ex-airline stewardess named 
Patti. Graham's real-life adventure lasted 
five years and could hardly have been 


¢ so, he met and 


more romantic—get 
ting shipwrecked 
getting laid in ex 

otic South Sea \ 
ports of call, get 

ting married 


ڪڪ 


and getting home at last in triumph. The 
gory Peck (and 


Dove, produced by € 
named after Graham's boat and the book 
he wrote with Derek Gill), has some 


seaworthy cinema 


aphy by Sweden's 
Sven Nykvist but wastes too much time 
ashore charting passionate reunions 

from Fiji to Madagascar to Capetown 

between Graham and Patti (played by 
Joseph Bottoms and Deborah Кап) 
Though Bottoms is only a passable actor 
he’s not responsible for The Dove's lacka 
daisical airs. Director Charles Jarron, sad 
dled with a soso screenplay, obviously 


gave up the subjective approach in spell 


ing out this tale of guts, self-doubt and 
stubborn determination, which might 
have made a fine movie, What he offers 
in its place is a round-the-world scenic 
tour as backdrop for an intensely ordi 


with 


nary love story about a boy sail 


the same girl in every port. While daw 


dling over Graham's shipboard romance 
Jarrott misses the boat 

The Parallax View begins with a politi 
cal_assassination—a_liberal-independent 


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U.S. Senator is shot during a public ap- 
nce in Seattle's lofty Space Nee- 
and ends the same way, several years 
when a conservative candidate is 


later, 
gunned down while rehearsing for а 


hile, seven wit- 
ster in Seattle 


campaign rally. Mear 
nesses present at the 
die mysteriously and three others appear 
to be in imminent d: If all this has 
a familiar ring, summoning up memories 
of the Kennedy and Wallace cases, that’s 
exactly what is intended in producer- 
director Alan J. Pakul 
pungent political novel by Loren Sir 
smoothly adapted for the screen by 
David Giler Lorenzo Semple, Jr. As 
a deep probe of contemporary America- 


re-creation of 


which turns its subjects belly side up to 
expose quite a few ugly blisters—Francis 
Ford Coppola's The Conversation is a 
better movie but seems to be slumping at 
Parallax View 
contrived and superficial, also more apt 
to hit the jackpot commercially, because 
its supervillains are as glossy and abstract 
as those in a James Bond еріс. Still, even 
а lightvoltage shock may open minds 
hermetically sealed disturbing 
doubts about reports from the Warren 


the box office is more 


against 


Commission and all such investigative 
bodies. It’s time to consider the facts be 
hind this explosive fiction about a hu 


ge, 


rich, reactionary corporation whose m 
business is murder: recruiting and train 
ing assassins to do what's best for the 
tion-wise. The three pri 
ority targets are played by Warren Beatty, 
as a nosy reporter who tries to infiltrate 
the death squad: P a 
TV news gal; and William Daniels, as 
a top advisor to the slain Senator, Hume 
Cronyn characteriza- 
tion as a skeptical newspaper editor, 
but the mainstay of the picture is Beatty, 
fleshing out his one-dimensional role 
with the energy and presence of a natural 
born star. Pakula puts the emphasis on 
headlong action and twists of plot. for 
nonstop excitement 
further hype by Gordon Willis’ dazzling 
i aphy, almost a show in itself 
After exposure to The Parallax 
you will find you have been overwhelmed 
by sheer physical skill. You may 
find yourself greeting the next official 
Government explanation of the unex 
plainable with eyebrows raised another 
fraction of an inch—and for the cynical 
Seventies, that look is becoming classic 


country, cory 


adds some fussy 


which is given a 


View, 


The vogue for films labeled MADE IN 
FRANCE is gone but not quite fo 
What the world wants n 
can movies—not films, either, by С 
which are often imitated by fore 
moviemakers lighting candles to Art. All 
the same, a handful of recent Gallic im- 
ports resists the trend toward American- 
ization with va degrees of success. 
Writerdirector Claude Chabrol's Wed- 
ding in Blood is а typical Chabrol exercise 


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in suspense, full of Hitchcocky humor 
and sophisticated irony. The plot might 
have been written on the head of a pin— 
just a provincial matron and her lover 
who want to dispose of their respective 
mates with the least possible fuss, This 
sort of thing has been done a thousand 
times, but seldom with such crescendos 
As the married lady, 
Chabrol 
elegant 


of understatement 
silky Stephane Audran (Mme 


offscreen) displays her usual 
cool, still slipping into a role the way she 
might slip into a chic St. Laurent orig 
inal, without even a glance at the price 


As her lusty paramour, Michel Pic 


coli is just right, too. Talk about movic 


love scenes: There have been few to 
match the spectacle of these two, collid 
ing and clawing through every rendez 
yous in a hilarious but dead-accurate 
depiction of overheated, guilty passion 

In the homicide division, George Segal 
and master mime Marcel Marceau bring 
star quality to а couple of tall tales about 
killers activated by push-button technol 
ogy. Marceau’s Shanks, subtitled "А Grim 
Fairy Tale.” is the lesser of the two, 
though it has moments of comicstrip 
horror you won't forget right away. In 
his starring role, Marceau doubles as 
1 deaf-mute puppeteer and an eccen 
tric old scientist who has found a way to 
raise the dead through electronics. The 
old man drops dead unexpectedly and 
soon the mild-mannered  puppetmaster 
has him lurching around the premises 
like a windup toy, disposing of nasty 
relatives and hippie vandals on com: 
When Shanks, 
takes his dear 


mand push button in 


hand departed step 
brother and sister-in-law (Philippe Clay 
and Tsilla Chelton beautifully executing 
Marceau’s choreography) to town on a 
shopping expedition, or resurrects them 
as servants at a young friend's birth 
day party, the results are both witty 


and bloodeurdling. Under director Wil- 


liam Castle, however, too much of the 
movie looks artsy and self-conscious—the 
use of old-fashioned title cards between 
scenes is no help at all when flashed on 
simply to introduce, for example, о 
Could be 


that Marceau’s special art works better in 


WALTER'S STRANGE MANSION 
unpolluted form, on stage, where dis 
tance lends enchantment. And the show's 
Punch-and-Judy appeal is finally soured 
a bit by an unsavory sequence involving 
the rape-murder of a child, which makes 
this a dubious bet for kiddie matinees 
Segal as The Terminal Man, adapted 


by producer-lirector Mike Hodges from 


Michael Crichton’s novel (which first ap- 
peared in rıaysov), plays a computer 


scientist, suffering а mental disorder, 


who becomes proof of his own theories 
about man vs. machine when computer 
controlled electrodes are planted in his 
brain by surgery. Something goes a little 
bit off in the circuitry а 
g homicidal ma 
rammed for destruction, The 


1 the mental 


case becomes а rampag 


niac pr 


portrays him, in his patented 


manner, he is believably 


а kind of Frankenstein 
Terminal Man 
poses some heavy questions about the 


and nemesis 


monster in a Gatsby suit 


morality of mind control, and also points 
up the irony of overzealous medical men 


using human beings as g 


citing statistics to justify a tr 
There's a lot of intelligence 
supporting cast headed by Joan Hackett 
Donald Moffat, Jill Clayburgh and Rich 
ard А. Dysart, yet Terminal Man in ret 


rospect seen spine-tingling 


thought-p 


зш there's 
From Crichton's n 


bid 


to compl 
theme, Hodges has turned out a first-rate 
shocker in a style so clinical and chilling: 
ly detached that every scratch and whis 
per on the sound track begins to jangle 
a cranial cliff 
for the 


e nerve ends. Call it 


т. with fringe benefits 
serious-minded 


At one point in My Nome Is Nobody, 
1 muddled horse opera made in the U. S 
and Spain by Italian director Sergio 


Leone (king of the spaghetti Westerns) 
Henry Fonda and ‘Terence Hill wander 
into an Indian cemetery and come upon 
Mean. 


pursued, to thun: 


а grave marked SAM РЕСКІХРАН 


while, Fonda is bei 


symphonic music, by a gang of 


150 
Obviously 


taken too seriously. He casts Fonda as a 


guys known as The Wild Bunch 
Leone does not expect to be 
brated gunslinger, Hill as a young 
rt itching to take his place—and 


both are slowed down by reams of cretin: 
But No 


ous narration ened 


mainly to introduce Hill as a candidate 


for stardom in the saddle where Clint 


If Bach were alive today, hed be recording 
on“Scotch brand recording tape. 


It’s been said it would take а pres- 
ent-day copyist seventy years just to 
copy all the music Bach composed. 


The quantity of his work is stag- 
gering. But so is the quality. 

And that's what made Bach the 
pro he was. 

And that’s why, if he were record- 
ing today, he'd be recording on 
“Scotch” brand recording tape. Just 
like the pros in today’s music business. 

After all, nearly 80% of all master 
recording studios use “Scotch” brand. 


Registered Trademark of 


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take a hint from the master. 
Use “Scotch” brand—the Master Tape. 


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PLAYBOY 


48 


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Eastwood used to sit. So let's introduce 
him. Born in Venice as Mario Girotti 
Hill speaks flawless English with a nice 
twang, has half a dozen profitable ріс 
tures to his credit (especially They Сай 
Me Trinity and its sequel). He is also 
striking 


‚ muscular, у handsome—at 


first glance as all-American as down 
town Cleveland, with the br 
eyes this side of Paul Newman's 


set on be 


test blue 


wholesome-boyish that he 
as if he were abc 
whip out a pencil a 
zine subscriptions to pay for his last 

¢. Hill will surely be back 
by popular demand, thanks to Nobody in 
particular 


smiles too mucl 


to 


declare he’s selling 


year of colleg 


Those three asterisks in the title of 
S*P*Y*S provide а clue to the producers 
hope that costars Elliott Gould and 


Donald Sutherland will have another hit 
the size of M*A*S*H, It is a lot to ask of 
an asterisk, lacking 
as Robert 


Altman and a script with a 
sardonically comic point of view 
director Irvin Kershner, S*P*) 
Gould and Sutherlar 
U.S. doak-and-d 
gli 


so that even our side 


Under 
*S fields 
as а team of inept 


bun. 
ble 


agrees they should 


er men, wh 


g has ma 


ked them as ехрепе 


be eliminated in a kind of sacrifice play 
to even the score after a couple of enemy 
agents have been bumped ой by mistake 
A series of f 


scoes occurs between Lon 
don and Paris, which are peopled by 
caricatures of Chinese and Soviet Spices, a 
; Iron Curtain 


barge [ай 


defectir 


athlete ап 
anarchist 
by Zouzou, star of 
Eric Rohmer’s Chilo 
in the Afternoon). 


All this Gold War 
comedy looks just а 


little passé in the 
era ol détente, and 
S*P*Y*S some- 


how resembles the 


revival of a movie 
made a decade 
адо. Only Gould 


and Sutherland save it—which is what 


with their special 


contemporary brand of boredom and cas 


they were hired to ¢ 


ual contempt for the institutions of one 
upmanship, Mildly amusing, then. But it 
ain't M*A*S*H 

It might be possible to milk an essay 


on homosexual trends in cinema from 


the cop-and-robber couples so prevalent 
Viewed from 
that angle, Thunderbolt and Lightfoot teams 
Clint Eastwood and Jeff 


people, as two crooks—a 


in new American films. 
Bridges, of all 
safecracking 


who show un 


smoothie and a punk k 
usual concern for each other as they 
around the 


wheel picturesque hills of 


Montana searching for a cache of stolen 


Their 
а few subtle flourishes of gay lib- 

George 
or doll 
a Western Union 
burglar alarm. 
Michael Cimino, a ТУ 


money unlikely love story has 
quit 
Bridges blowing kisses to rile 
Kennedy, a 
ing up in dr 


clerk away 


ipy accomplice 


from his 
Writer-director 


recruit making his feature-film debut 
cither wants to interrupt this action 
drama for a message or intends а sly 


send-up of the Eastwood-John Wayne 
brand of machismo movie 


latter 


Probably the 
Anyway, he gives you somethi 
off 


think about when the guns р 


in every other current 
gter epic look like eight-by-ten 
sies compared with the rogues’ gal 
lery collected by director John G. (Joe) 
Avildsen for The Stoolie, 
refreshing 


The performers 


ın offbeat but 
answer to all The Godfather’s 
an Jackie 
Weehawken, New 
Jersey, hustler who cons a local detective 
(Dan Frazer 


to Miami Beach, the movie treats Mason's 


ımbitious I 


Mas 


eirs. Starring come 


out of 57500 and escapes 


Roger Pittman with decent disrespect 
is а flabby, slow-witted loser, with just 
enot crazy chutzpah to suggest that 


ul cop he has bilked might 


help him pay off by cosigning a bank 
loan. The cop. 
Long Island secretary 


Marcia Jean Kurtz) who is conducti 


stoolie and an eager 


layed neatly by 
F 


her own Florida manhunt wind up t 
gether on а crook’s tour of Miami Beach 
that Avildsen seems to have planned with 


mischievous malice t. Trade 
that Avil 
was finished. 
1 


sforethou 


sen left before T/ 


which may 


sip ha 
Ste 


for ШП 


me d g of comic energy, yet 
his brand of crime-movie spoofery is visi 
ble throughout. Secing itself portrayed as 


ı junky dreamland full of rip-off artists 


wedding-cake hotels, suntan lotion and 


tained cockatoos on roller skates, the 
sunny state of Florida may decide to suc 
RADIO 
Topless radio was fun (Hello, is this 
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Television snatches away all the really 


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with them for 18 or 


James Arness and they play 


5 years wait a 


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Enter the latest radio fad: psy 


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Glen Falkenstein is one of them. He 
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in Universal Studios near Los Angeles, 
bending people's spoons, stopping their 
clocks and rattling off the phone num- 
ber and address of anyone who calls 
him over the KGBS airwaves. The folks 
out there apparently love having their 
spoons bent. KGBS insists that Falken- 
stein—a 42-year-old former speech pa- 
thologist in Chicago schools and now an 
L.A. magician—draws more than 10,000 
attempted phone calls for each two- 
hour show 

"Т don't foster a belief in spiritualism 
or the occult,” says Falkenstein. "I do 
I can bat 1000 on getting people's birth- 
days, Social Security numbers and phone 
numbers and such, And I don't use any 
plants or stooges. It's not supernatural, 
It’s somethin ап can do,” 

Well, es are nothing 
if not salesmen. Perhaps that explains 
why psychic radio has caught on in L.A., 
New York, Kansas City, Boston, Miami, 
Mbuquerque and who knows where else 

Not all the practitioners are as demure 
as Falkenstein about their gifts, David 
Ноу, a constant guest on radio call-in 
shows around the country, doles outein 
precise, Dr. David Reubenesque tones— 
advice to callers on matters marital, 
moral and monetary. Last spring, Hoy 
made headlines in Pittsburgh, where he 
volunteered his psychic services to at- 
tempt to three murder 
(Though his press agent vows that Hoy 
came up with some "fantastic clues,” the 
long arm of his mind resulted in no 
early arrests) When he appears on a 
radio or TV station, Hoy claims, his 
problem is to hold down the advance 
publicity, not hype it A St Louis 
woman, hearing that he was to appear 
adio station KMOX on a Friday, 
called the previous Tuesday and asked to 
be put on hold. And TV station KPLR in 
St. Louis claims to have recorded 250,000 
phone-in attempts in one hour when Hoy 
was a guest last January. 

We caught one of his typically brisk 
mornings of psychic derring-do, a stint 
of just under 15 minutes as а telephone 
guest on Decatur, Ilinois, radio station 
WDZs Hot Line. During that brief pe 
riod, Hoy assured a woman caller that her 
arthritis wasn't really cancer; told his 
spellbound hostess how he had been in 
vited by Pennsylvania state police to 
help solve those murders (an arrest was 
“imminent,” he confided, and the case 
would be “over by fall”); plugged the 
latest book done about him (by a “very 
prominent Australian writer”): remind: 
ed his listeners that he had predicted 
“the divorce of Liz and Dick”: told an 
other caller that at the present time he 
did not “see” her husband changing his 
job; informed yet another caller that 
she'd be pregnant before the end of 
July; and predicted that the President 
would serve out his term, All of this by 


any sales 


personali 


solve cases, 


longdistance hookup from his home 
base of Paducah, Kentucky 

Gilbert Holloway, a 64”, 250-pound 
minister (of The New Age Church of 
Truth, Inc). sends his ESP vibes out 
over tate broadcast area two hours 
daily from his home radio station, KOB- 
AM in Albuquerque. Holloway is fasci 
nated with UFOs and tends to ramble 
on with his theories abou them— 
though to this date, he hasn't claimed to 
have talked to, or thought at. one. And 
New York has its clairvoyant in Hans 
Holzer, who calls himself “the Billy 
ham of the ESP world.” 
lling on their “gifts of the spirit” 
and favoring their faithfal with on-the- 
spot “personal analyses.” many of the 


radio psychics come off as just slightly 
more sophisticated versions of that other 
radio subculture, the fundamental reviv- 
айм». But at least they don't hustle au- 
tographed photographs of Jesus Christ 
Before psychic radio runs its course, its 
superstars may get so good at their стай 
that people can do away with their radio 
sets altogether—which may be а historic 
public service. Question: Would the FCG 
step in and make a rule against people 
thinking dirty at one another? 


EVENTS 


Having scen our share of old gangster 
movies, we know all about the people 
in the jukebox and pinball business: 
They're swarthy, meanlooking mobster 
types in snap-brim fedoras who persuade 
trembling café owners to install new en 
tertainment machines to 
ones they've just smashed with axes. 
So naturally our adrenaline was up when 
we went to the annual convention of the 
Music Operators of America at опе of 
Chicago's fanciest hotels. The M.O.A. is 
the trade organization for the manufac- 
turers of all sorts of entertainment equip- 
ment. from pool tables to electronic dart 
boards. but especially jukes and pin- 
balls, and to call themselves something as 
i tsounding as Music Operators of 
didn’t fool us a bit 

gine our disappointment, then, 
when the hundreds of M.O.A. conven- 
tioncers turned out to look like ordinary 


replace the 


people. They weren't wearing black on 
black or white on white, shoulder hol 
rk glasses; they didn’t smell of 
garlic or talk in а heavy accent through 
teeth clenching fat cigars. We finally 
asked an M.O.A. official where we could 
find the Соза Nostra exhibit and he told 
us we watch too many movies 

So we contented ourself with wander 
ing around two large display-filled rooms, 
playing dozens of coin-operated games 
for free and thinking that any 12-year-old 
in a place like this would run amuck and 
probably damage himself, We also got a 
few impressions. The state of the art and 
the wave of the future seem to be elec- 
© T'V-type devices, which started out 
with a simple ping-pong form 
now proliferating into everyth 
rocket ships penetrating meteor showers 
(complete with scifi sound effects) to 
variations on а rat maze, Projection-type 
shooting games were also big. We riddled 
squawking wild fowl, broke clay targets 
Flying Tiger, shot 
ме number of enemy 
(discreetly unidentified, since Japan is a 
growing market for U.S. итеп! 
equipment). On one obviously rigged 
machine that deceitfully purported to 
measure sex appeal, we registered BLATT 
and hurried away to the pinballs. 

We didn’t see much new in that field, 
which seems to have reached a plateau of 
playing and scoring complexity so high 
that serious players must acquire their 
skills in special tr 
on, we dug an electronically sophisticat- 
cd replica of a Forties cathedral-style 
Wurlitzer jukebox, then happened 
an ingenious device called Wa 
Caper. which, according to i 
“stimulates the larceny I of us to see 
if we сап break in and not get caught” by 
ıchine's electronic “double agents.” 
1. we were caught by the sight of a 
apely blonde parading around in little 
more than a banner proclaiming Two mır 
KIR. Reaching into our pocket for а 
handful of change. we pursued her to her 
lair—only to discover that she was pro 
moting а table-soccer game you can play 
for a quarter. 

Just before we left. we found, tucked 
away in а remote and lonely corner of 
the huge display room, a gen 
tique that was struggling heroi 
survive in the computer age of arcade de 
vices. It was that old famil 
me that uses a swivelmounted pistol in 
lass case to squeeze off ball bearings at 
some Tom Mix-style bad guys who stick 
their he 
saloon. The two quiet. smi 


sters or d 


and are 


ng from 


and, € 


mode mbers 


ing camps. Moving 


ine an 
Шу to 


Is up in the windows of a tin 
e 


gentlemen who tended the machine 
us actual nickels to play it—and a leaflet 
that boasted. Хо wires. No electrical 


systems. No engineering know-how. No 


service tools required. 10 TERRIFIC SHOTS 


FOR 5 GENTS.” 


THE MITCHUM METHOD 
FOR CONTROLLING 


PROBLEM PERSPIRATION 


What is it? 


It's a method of night-time application: you 
apply Mitchum Anti-Perspirant at night—before 
you go to bed. Instead of in the morning. It’s the 
y to say good night to problem perspiration 
effectively. And, as you'll soon see, there’s no mad- 
ness to this method. 


What makes The Mitchum Method 
so effective? = 


Several things. 
First: since you apply 
this unique anti-perspi- 
rant а! nighi-before you 
go to bed-Mitchum’s 
two anti-perspirants 
have a whole night's time to work their benefits 
into your skin.(When you apply an ant 
in the morning, that first rush of perspiration may 
wash away your protection before it has sufficient 
time to work.) After a night with Mitchum’s anti- 
perspirants, you'll wake up to all-day protection 
from problem perspiration. Makes sense, doesn't it? 

Second: Mitchum's anti-perspirants do not 
I or plug your underarm pores. What they do is 
gently re-direct problem-causing underarm sweat. 
It leaves through other, less bothersome areas of 
your body. (Of course, you perspire from many 
as of your body. But you're particularly aware 
of the perspiration prob- 
lem when those sweat 
glands under your arms 
start gushing.) Mitchum's 
anti-perspirants help elim- 

М inate that moist, uncom- 
> oe | fortable sensation 

Third: your morning shower will 
not wash away your Mitchum protec- 
tion. You can wash, towel yourself dr 
and feel dry all day. Without the need 
for anti-perspirant refreshment. 


How can Mitchum be so 
effective and so gentle, too? 


Here’s how: even though Mitchum Anti- 
Perspirant contains high percentages of the two 
best anti-perspirant ingredients, aluminum chlo- 
ride and aluminum chlorohydrate, its formula has 
been specially gentled by a process called buffer- 
To avoid stinging or irritating normal ski 
chum works comfortably. 


Does Mitchum help stop odor 
as well as wetness? 


Yes. You see, odor is caused by sweat coming 
in contact with bacteria on the skin. (Sweat, itself 
is odorless.) Therefore, if there’s less sweat, ther 
less chance of odor. Here's what we suggest: use 
Mitchum four nights in a row at first. Then, even if 
you occasionally skip a night, you'll feel protected 
the next day. (Of course, you may use Mitchum any 
time you prefer.) 


3 effective Mitchum forms. 

Which do you prefer? 

Spray. For aerosol convenience, press nozzle to 
release a gentle spray of protection every time. 
Scented or unscented. 


M 


Dab-On, For on-the-spot cov- 
erage. A unique, built-in, silken 
applicator applies easily and 
uniformly. Scented or un- 
scented 
Cream. For the 
complete cov- 
erage that only 
hand-applica- 
tion of acream 
can give. Won't 
leave its mark 
on yourclothes 
the next day. 


Mitchum 


FPERSPIRANT 
SPRAY 


The Mitchum Method. Plan tonight to sweat less tomorrow. 


= PROCOL HARUM RIDERS of Humble Ple 
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MG. First on the scene. 
And still one jump ahead. 


Before MG, there wasn't much of a 


sports car scene in America. 

But from the moment the first 
MG-TC touched these shores in 1947 
the picture changed. So much so that 
MG has almost become an American 
synonym for sports car. 

Today’s MGB is the SCCA National 
Champion in E Production for the third 
year in a row. With that kind of track 
record, you can see why MGB is what 
great sports car motoring is all about. 

MGB is trim, taut and agile. 

The four-speed gearbox puts your 
reflexes in touch with the 1798 c.c. 
engine. That’s a 4-cylinder powerplant 


that’s as economical as it is lively. 

The rack and pinion steering, the 
гасе-зеазопей suspension and the 
front disc brakes combine to give you 
precise, sure-footed handling and stop- 
ping—the kind of response that turns 
driving pressure into driving pleasure. 

You'll experience it most where 
the roads still touch the edges of na- 
ture and the air is scented with the 
sweet smells of earth. 

But make no mistake, the MGB is 
just as much at home on a six-lane ex- 
pressway as it is on two-lane blacktop. 

The MGB is complete with full 
sports car instrumentation, including 


tachometer, trip odometer, and gauges 
for fuel, oil, water and battery. There 
are also reclining bucket seats, 
wrapped steering wheel, carpeting, oil 
cooler, mag-style wheels and radial- 
ply tires. 

So make the scene at your MG 
dealer and see why MG is still one jump 
ahead. For his name, call (800) 447- 
4700. in Illinois, call (800) 322-4400. Calls 
are toll free. 

MG. The sports car America 
loved first. 


iris 


BRITISH LEYLAND MOTORS INC. LEONIA, N.J. 07605 


THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 


The other night, my girlfriend of five 
years accused me of lack of interest. She 
asked me why I no longer talk to her 


the го vce has 


and said she fears tha 
gone out of our relationship, 1 replied 
that I express my love for her in bed, 
sexually. The rest of the night was spent 
in silence, both sexually and verbally 
How do we get out of this impasse? 
K. L., Detroit, Michigan 

Cynics and irate lovers like to say that 
the only things communicated by sex ave 
If you're 
interested, our Unabashed Dictionary de- 


disease and [or the genetic code 


fines а sex object as a conversation piece 
{nthropologist Ray L. Birdwhistell con 
ducted a study of 100 couples who had 
lived together happily for more than 15 
years and found they spent a median of 
2714 minutes per week talking to each 
other 
involved directions to parties or other so 
cial events. One interesting side light of 
the Birdwhistell study—couples appar 


ently have their most intense dialogs on 


The topic of conversation usually 


the third date and then again in the year 
Birdwhistell 


concluded that human communication is 


before they get a divorce 


essentially nonverbal. We agree. You 


seem to equate sex with the nonverbal, 
while your ladyfriend equates 
with the verbal, It's not that simple. We 
tend 10 view relationships in terms of in 
vestment potential. The initial exchange 
of words іх a principal sum that сот 
daily. Obviously, the 


1 it is still 


interest 


pounds interest 


interest will 


mantic as the original sum 


something to look forward to. 


ММ... can an innocent abroad do to 


survive the suicidal driving habits of for 


Or even find out about them in 
without learning the hard way? 
from а 


cigners? 
advance 
1 barely escaped with my life 
recent tour of Mexico. Опе night 1 was 
approaching a narrow bridge when a car 
lights. 1 
to dim my high 


on the other side Mashed its 


th t he wanted me 


it turned out that he was declar 
idge first 
mewhere 
aled and 


beams; 
ing his intention to cross the | 


as I discovered when we met 
near the middle. My car was w 
1 had to take 


trip. Also, сап you explain the peculiar 


buses for the 


way Mexican buses pass сиз оп dark 
I noticed that the driver 
then 


mountain roads 


would fash his lights once and 
both the car and the bus would turn off 
their lights. Maybe they figured that the 


car would drive off the road in the dark 


I'm thinking about tour 
ing Europe next summer, but I've heard 
that driving habits there are even 
insane than in Latin America. Any 
hints?—B. H., Los Gatos, California 


If you rent а car overseas, ask the agent 


or somethi: 


to explain the local quirks—your life and 


his property depend on it, so he'll gladly 
give you the gruesome details. If you're 
taking your own vehicle, or buying one 
there, check with that country’s American 
consul, Also, talk to the border guards of 
every country They'll keep 
you posted on the latest traffic tactics 
Buses in Mexico turn off their lights be 
fore they try to pass, so that the driver 
can sce the lights of cars approaching 
from around the curve. If they don’t see 
апу their I's a 
great idea, except for one thing: We al 
ways wondered what would happen if 
there were a bus trying 10 
the other side of the curve and all four 
vehicles ther 1. 


same time. 


you enter 


they make move 


ss a cay оп 


turned off his al the 


ve had it up to my eyeballs with mean: 


ingful relationships. 1 have established 
intimate dyadic bonds with every girl 
I've met and, quite frankly, it's become 
boring. Perhaps, as a change of pace, 1 
could become a pimp. There is some 
thing clean-cut and refreshing in that 
style (Ье. dealing rather than dealing 


Unfortunately 


my Ivy League educatic 


nothing in 


with women). 


me lor the position and, to my knowledge, 
there are no correspondence schools on 
the subject. How 
pimp?—S. K., Cambridge 


If you have to ask 


ІМ... of the medical reports I've read 


warn that goi 


does one become a 
Massachusetts, 


it's not your style 


rales may lead to pen 


dulous breasts, a condition known as 


1 have 


yet my breasts do not sag 


Cooper's dr not worn а bra 


for six years. 


I seem to be defying the law of gravity 


Is there a local ordinance 1 don't know 
прош, or were those reports simply хав 


Miss J. N, La 


gerating the problem? 
ШОЛ 


There's nothing lik 


а woman's breast 


to make а doctor put his foot in his 
mouth, As near as can tell, there has 
never been a controlled study of the 
effects of going braless, (Uncontrolled 


studies ате another story.) One doctor 
who wrote to Ann Landers at the peak of 
the braless fad stated, “Almost ev 


has seen films of tribal 


етуопе 

{rican women 
vidence. The fe 
worn bras and they 


s droop.” Other doctors, 


which are conclusive ¢ 
males have neve 
all have Cooper 
who cut their 


in National Ge 


visual teeth on pictures 


make the same 


aphic 
claim, using still photographs of Polyne 
Never mind that the 
didn't look at comparable films of tribal 


sians first doctor 
American women or that there is no ac- 
counting for the editorial tastes of cer 
tain magazines—the fact is that you 
don't need Columbo to tell you that this 
We are less 


is not conclusive evidence 


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amused by the scare tactics of bra com- 
panies. One ad reads: “And everybody 
said that nothing is going to happen to 
your breasts if you go braless. But the 
truth is, something can happen. . . . So 
They fail to 
specify that the something that can hap 
pen is probably going to happen anyway, 


please put your bra back on 


whether or not you wear a bra, It’s na 
ture’s way. The 
breast is largely the result of an internal 
net of fibrous tissue called Cooper's liga- 


ments, which connect the fatty tissue 


shape of a woman's 


around the mammary glands to the pec- 
toral muscles. Cooper's ligaments tend to 
grow lax as one grows older (cf. Buck 
Brown's dirty old lady). Also, if liga 
ments are stretched, they cannot contract 
h (cf. a football 
player who has wobbly knees after a clip 


to their original le: 


Cooper's ligaments may 
stretch when the breasts swell during 
pregnancy or when а woman gains, then 
loses weight. Factors such as individual 
heredity and general health 


ping injury) 


tissue tone 
all determine the degree of change. It is 
impossible to predict whether or not one 
ists will sag: A large-breasted 


woman may have strong ligaments and a 


"el 
woman's bre 


small-byeasted woman may have weak 
ligaments. In the face of confusion, go 
with what's comfortable andlor pleasing 


to the eye. Love has no foundation. 


Recently, 1 went camping with my 
brother in Bar Harbor. Maine. He їп. 
sisted on preparing a lobster dinner, I've 


never been much for seafood—I figure 
that if it doesn’t have four legs (or two) 
it wasn't meant to be eaten. The fete did 
not start auspiciously. ‘The pot was small 


and the lobsters kept crawlin 


mit into 
the fire. With whip, chair and side arm, 
t them back 


They were served 


my brother managed to g 


into the boiling water 


м. My brother instructed me 
1 
in melted butter and swallow 


by candle 


to spear anything that was white, dip it 


I spied 


something that was white, speared it 
dipped it in melted butter and swal 
lowed it. Jf was a pat of butter that had 
slithered off my corn on the cob and had 
After re 


covering from cardiac arrest. I finished 
the meal. Did you know that lobster 


gotten mixed with the lobster 


dipped in melted butter tastes the same 
as butter dipped in melted butter? I 
think I really like the taste of melted but 
ter. Do you know any other foods that 
сап be served with this nectar of the 
gods?—J. P., Chicago. Ilinois. 

Crabs, steamed clams, asparagus, arti 
chokes and escargots (snails) are fre 
quently served with melted butter. Not 
that it matters: With your taste buds 
you could be food editor for Guns & 
Ammo magazine. Actually, you are not 
the first person to discover that these 
gourmet treats are just an excuse for a 
cholesterol orgy. One of our friends real- 
ized that he never tasted the snails when 


he ate escargots and that he was wasting 
money. Subsequently, he impaled a piece 
of sponge rubber (carved in the shape of 
а snail) on а toothpick and used that to 
dip into the melted butter 


menu, he occasionally added g 


To vary his 


ic, salt 


and pepper or lemon to the “nectar of 
the gods.” Keep those provocative and 


pertinent queries pouring in, folks! 


В... trips take me away from home 
for extended periods of time. I've consid 
cred giving my wife а pair of Japanese 
love balls. or benawa, to keep her happy 
while I'm gone. Supposedly. they can be 
quite stimulating. Can you tell me how 
they function?—B. A. W., San Francisco 
California 

Ben-wa 


consist of two small spheres 


usually made of ivory, plastic or metal. 
One sphere is hollow, the other is filled 
with mercury. A 
low sphere in her vagina, follows it with 
the mereury-filled 


about her business. Theoretically, the vi 


woman places the hol 
sphere, then goes 


byations caused by the balls clacking to 


gether are sexually arousing, but don't 


count on it. The vagina, like most other 
ns. is virtually devoid of 
nerve endings. Only the outer third is 


sensitive to sexual stimulation (so much 


internal org 


for penetration). Ben-wa do not even 
touch the clitoris, which is the sexual 
nerve center for most women, Still, о 
ahead with the gift id 
t off on the Ja 


ive them to the kids. They make 


If your wife 


doesn't ese love balls 


she 


great marbles 


cassette recorder that does not have а L 


switch? I would like to record al 


ms on 
my deck at home (which does have a 
switch), then play them on an el cheapo 
portable when 1 travel. Can T do it 
G. Z.. Tampa, Florida 


It's all right by us—as long as the te 


is recorded оп а machine that has a b 


switch, Bias is the electronic signal that 
prepares the metal particles on the tape 


for recording: it is not used in playback 
The ferric oxide on regular tape is more 


magnetic and requires less bias than chro 


mium dioxide, Ц you try to recov h 
chromium dioxide on the porta hich 
is designed for ferrieoxide tape, the bias 


signal will be too weak and the sound, if 
d. Th 


k is for thos 


any, will be sketchy and distort 


device on your ho 
who would rather switch than fight; you 


can increase the s 


without rewiring 


the machine 


ІМ, boyfriend has heard that sniffing 


amyl nitrite (a kind of smelling salts, or 
instant adrenaline booster for heart pa- 
tients) during intercourse really gets you 
ff. Is this true? Have you ever tried i 
Miss J. 1 

Can't say that we have. However 


Sharon, Massachusetts. 


Robert Anton Wilson states in “Sex and 
Drugs” that amyl nitrite “relaxes the in 
voluntary muscles of the body and dra 
matically lowers the blood pressure. The 
effect is a quick ‘lash’ that men regard as 
highly stimulating. . . . Devotees like to 
sniff amyl nitrite ‘poppers’ just before the 
moment of orgasm—a quick and easy 
solution for those who chronically find 
their sexual climax unsatisfactory. Some 
evidence indicates that habitual use is 
likely to provoke heart attacks; therefore, 
this pastime can be dangerous.” So il 
seems that amyl nitrite is like other 
abused drugs, ie., sometimes you get the 
elevator, baby, and sometimes you get 


the shaft. 


One of my girlfriends has me bothered 
She tells me that she enjoys feeling me 
climax inside her—apparently the invol 
untary muscle contractions involved in 
ejaculation trigger her orgasm. Fine, ex 
cept that she seems to be cutting it close 


by making her orgasms dependent on my 


pleasure. 1 have a vague feeling that I'm 


being set up for а charge of male chau 
vinism or that her unselfishness disguises 
а casual attitude toward sex (not unlike 
the professional's “the customer comes 
first’). A man used to be the center of 
the universe and it was a woman's duty 
to please him. What with liberation and 
all that, I feel uncomfortable when my 
satisfaction is the primary goal. Any sug 
gestions?—M. R., Kansas City, Kansas. 


They also serve who lie in wait, eh? 


We won't discuss your ратапоіа—і a 
sign of the times and, besides, as long as 
there is pleasure, there іх no problem. It 
sounds to us like your finely tuned girl 
friend is taking care of herself. Women 


often can achi orgasm by concentrat 


ing on the sub of lovemaking 
Did you ever | 
drop his voice to a 


ution? The class would 


e a teacher who would 


hisper when he 


wanted your att 
have to strain to hear what he 


but they seldom missed the point. Р 


ut 
yourself in the position of the teacher 
and you may understand your lover's re 
sponse. While you're at it, try the fol 
lowing 
twitch the muscles of your penis volun 
tarily. When she 
Fake out! 
to your own climax and her second. 

11 


ion, food and drink, stereo and sports cars 


experiment: After penetration 


reaches orgasm, сту 


then rush full steam ahead 


sonable questions—from fash 


to dating dilemmas, taste and etiquette 


will be perso 


ally answered if the writer 


includes a stamped, self-addressed еп 
uelope. Send all letters to The Playboy 
Playboy Building, 919 N. Michi 
0, Illinois 60611. The 


ent queries will 


Advisor 


can Avenue, Chica 


most provocative, pert 


be presented on these pages each month 


To a vodka drinker, 
happiness is smoothness. 
Smooth mixing. 

Smooth tasting. 

And smooth going down. 


{орону 
Gordon’s is the vodka with 
the Patent on smoothness. | * 


VODKA 


t's why Gordon’s is the Happy Vodka. 
So make it Gordon’s. And make it happy. 


‘80 PROOF. DISTILLED FROM GRAIN. GORDON'S DRY GIN CO, LTD. LINDEN, NJ. 


57 


| 
{ 
{ 


Vicenoy 


Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined 
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. Extra Milds, 13 mg. “tar,” 0.8 mg. nicotine; Kings, 16 mg. “tar,” 1,1 т. лїсойпе; 


Longs, 17 mg. "tar," 1.2 mg. nicotine, av. per cigarette, FIC Report Mar. 74 


an interchange of ideas between read 
on subjects raised by “the playboy philosophy” 


and editor 


LONG, HOT SUMMER 
My candidate for Wowser of the Year 
is Mayor Albert Zak of Hamtramck 


who proposed an ordinance 


hotpants and bikinis from the 
Mares, He claims 
for some possible 


town’s main thoro 


such attire is “invi 
He explained the inspira 
It was 


immoral acts. 
tion for his proposal as follows: 
the first hot dəy of the year, there she 
was, a young girl, walking up Jos. Cam: 
pau Avenue, She had a long, long coat 
All the way to her ankles. It was very 
warm, and she had it fluttering in the 
breeze as she walked and all she had 
on underneath was a bikini thing. It im 
mediately dawned on me, hot weather 


Zak called 


апа said, “It 


was just around the corner 


girl watching “unhealthy 
tends to demoralize. I'm sixty-five. You're 
talking to an old man 
Donald J. Novello 
Lansing, Michigan 
But such a clean old man 


THAT GOOD, EH? 

Mrs. Billie Lasker (The Playboy 
Forum, March) is still running hard to 
carn the title of Wowser of the Year. She 


led 60 supporters to a confrontation with 


St. Louis County prosecuting attorney 
Gene McNary and demanded that a sex 
education book for first aders be 


Let's be fair, Billie 
You brought it in a month 


banned as obscene 
said McNary 
ago and I told you then that I couldn't 
ban it. Now you brin 


this group in to try 
to force me to do something 1 cannot do 

Mrs. Lasker replied, “Well. if I were a 
seven-year-old and had read this book, 


Га want to run out and find a seven: 


year-old boy and have sex 
David Ross 


St. Louis, Missouri 


MY FILTHY VALENTINE 

In an article titled 
Smut” in the Washington Star-News 
Marjorie Holmes declares 


Greeting-Card 


Firms whose 
very names once stood for America 
motherhood and good taste are offering 


their wares, cards that are not 


only sexy and suggestive but downright 


1, for опе, can see 
c func 


g cards, 


raunchy and obscene 


no harm in опе of nature's b; 


' 


tions being recognized on greet: 


Holmes writes of suggestive cards being 


forced" inte 


gift shops and drugstores 
If people didn’t want these cards, people 
wouldn't buy them: if people didn't buy 


the cards. reputable firms wouldn't pub: 


lish them and stores wouldn't carry them. 

Incredibly, Holmes concludes her d 
tribe with the cry “Grow up, America! 
Get back some principles and good 
taste.” I think that the fact that we can 
finally laugh at ourselves in bed as well 


1s out of it is a damn good sign that we 
are growing up. 
Anthony Marocco 
Rockville, Maryland 


VIRGIN QUEENS 

The letter in the April Playboy Forum 
about the hi 
said, “Only vi 


coming queen,” 


school principal who 
ins can run for home 
made me wonder. Unless 
he examined each candidate himself, I'd 
bet his rule was often honored, not in 
the observance but in the breach. 

David W. Reed 
Buford, Georgia 


THE BOOK BURNERS 


You'd think the school board and par 
ents of Drake, North Dakota, would 


have learned something when their 
burning of Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.'s Slaugh 
tevrhouse-Fiv was greeted with horror 


from coast to coast. They have. They аге 
getting rid of Bruce Severy, the English 
teacher who assigned the book to their 
students. The board has voted unani 
mously not to renew his contract because 
the parents threatened to take their chil 
dren out of school if he was retained 
Andrew Crawford 
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania 
The more we learn about this case, the 


worse it sounds. It seems Severy tried 


to teach three books: “Slaughterhous 
Five,” “Deliverance” and “Fahrenheit 
151" (which bout book burning), All 
three were ved, copies of “Slaugh 
terhouse-Five were burned and two 


anized, One was by 


ıoycolls were о! 


parents, who pu 
Severy's classes. The school administra 


1 their children out of 


tion immediately caved in and hired a 
substitute teacher for the boycotting stu 
dents. The other was an advertisers’ boy 
colt of the local paper that made the 
mistake of covering the book burning (as 
most papers across the nation did). The 
paper went bankrupt. Just in case Severy 
didn't get the message, he and his wife 
came home one day to find that someone 
had killed their d 
Severy, with the help of the American 
Liberties Union, has filed suit, 
udgment that the Drake 


board of education may not censor 


with a shotgun 


seeking a 


Some gifts 
are for 


Sheaffer endures. 


There are occasions when 
only the extraordinary will 
do. That is the time to give 
a Silver Imperial or 
Imperial Sovereign 
Enduring gifts crafted in 
precious metals by Sheaffer. 
$20.00 to $90.00. 


ө 
SHEAFFER 


SAHIR wont D.wine, A бехітой COMPANY 59 


PLAYBOY 


60 


his students’ reading materials. The 
1.C.L.U. learned that 22 out of 35 of 
Severy's students had petitioned to be al- 
lowed to read the books, but the board— 
which claimed to be concerned only 
about the books being imposed on un- 
willing students—refused permission 
The one student who had complained 
about the books was excused from read: 
ing them. As we go to press, Severy is 
sticking it out in Drake, without a job, 
and his case is about to be heard. 


RELATIVE JUSTICE 

In commenting on 
Court obscenity deci 
humorous to suggest that by authorizing 
legislatures to act on unproved assump- 
tions, the Justices were giving aid and 
comfort to relativism (The Playboy 
Forum, December 1973). Comes 
John D. Hodson (The Playboy Forum, 
April) to remind me that if Nixon, Bur 
ger et al, were really relativists, they 
would not have to tolerate anyone else's 
view but could impose their own views 
with the argument “It’s true for us.” 

But a relativist is not a person who be 
lieves that his vi correct; 
that’s a megalomaniac. A relativist be 
lieves that each person's views are correct 
relative to that person, A relativist 
doesn't have to shut up and take it if 
somebody disagrees with him. He simply 
replies, “It's true for you, but not for 
me.” Where does that leave us? With the 
recognition that no moral dispute can 
be settled by an appeal to philosophical 
doctrines. It has to be settled on the 
level of practical politics, which means 
cither you throw the other guy in jail 
(which Nixon and company would prob- 
ably like to do) or you let him live his 
life in peace (which is what I advo 
re 
New York, New York 


st year's Supreme 
ions, 1 thought it 


now 


only WS are 


SEXUAL PSYCHOPATHY 

George F. Gilder’s book Sexual Sui- 
cide should appeal only to psychopathic 
women, in that it approves cold, calcu- 
lating manipulati es by females 
(The Playboy Forum, May). This policy 
would preclude both self-respect in either 
sex and a sincere relationship between 
the sexes. 

Gilder claims that the sexual oppres- 
sion he advocates would lead to a happier 
society. One has only to consider the sex- 
ually oppressive societies of the past, such 
as that of the Victorians or the Salem 
witch-hunters, to see how wrong he is. A 
sexually satisfied person is more likely to 
һе reasonable than one who is frustrated, 
and a society of sexually healthy people is 
more likely to be harmoniousand creative. 

C. V. Compton 
Dallas, Texas 


SEX IS BEAUTIFUL 

I'm noted for my defense of purity 
decency and true American entertain- 
ment, but the Honolulu Star-Bulletin’s 


FORUM NEWSFRONT 


a survey of events related to issues raise d by “the playboy philosophy 


FROM HOUSE TO HOUSE 

LIDA JUNCTION, NEVADA—Beverly Har- 
rell, who lost her fight with the U.S. 
Government to operate a brothel on 
leased Federal land, has entered the Sep- 
tember third Nevada Democratic pri 
mary as а candidate for the state 
assembly. She bills herself as “the first ас- 
tive madam in U.S. history to тип for 
state-wide office,” and is campaigning on 
a platform of legal and land reform: le- 
galized prostitution in all counties, equal 
rights for women, full rights for 18 year 
olds and “opening up more Federally 
held public land for development by 
Nevada businesswomen and men.” (The 
Government refused to renew the lease 
for her popular Cottontail Ranch and 
she has had to relocate on privately 
owned property.) She told reporters that 
if elected she would “show the assembly 
how to тип an orderly house.” 


GAMBLING REFERENDUM 
TRENTON—Volers of New Jersey will be 
given the chance to legalize gambling in 
their state by means of a referendum on 
the November ballot. If the referendum 
is approved, the legislature will draft a 
bill to make New Jersey the second state 
with legal casino gambling. However, 
under the proposed bill, the casinos 
would be state operated, and Governor 
Brendan Т. Byrne has said he would veto 
legislation that would permit casinos any: 
where in the state except in Atlantic Cily. 


BURIAL SERVICE ABORTED 
сїїслбо—А 27-year-old woman, killed 
in a sky-diving accident, was denied a 
Catholic burial when her parish priest 
learned that she worked as a counselor 
and administrator at an abortion clinic. 
The priest explained, “I did not find out 
about [her] association with the clinic 
until I read about it later in а newspa- 
per. As soon as I saw it, I called the chan- 
cery and they agreed that the mass could 
not be performed, Certain activities pro- 
hibit a person from receiving a Christian 
burial. Abortion is one of them.” The 
dead girl's mother said that after newspa- 
pers carried the story, “vight-to-life advo- 
cates” started harassing her by telephone. 


1.U.D. RISK 

WASHINGTON, D.G—One of the coun- 
try's major pharmaceutical firms has 
warned doctors that its brand of intra 
uterine device, and possibly other brands, 
can endanger both mother and fetus if 
it fails to prevent pregnancy and then 
is not removed. The company reported 
36 cases of septic abortion among preg- 
nant women using the Dalkon shield, of 
which 2,200,000 have sold 


some been 


since 1970. One case was traced to the 
Birenberg bow 1.U.D., made by another 


company. 


POLICE AND THE PILL 

MUNICH, GERMANY—Munich police 
must now make birth-control pills avail 
able to any woman they arrest and put 
in jail. The order was issued to avoid 
lawsuits stemming from unwanted preg 
nancies because contraception was in 
terrupted by imprisonment. A police 


official said, “It would be unthinkable 
for the police to get involved in pater 
nity suits,” 


ELECTRONIC VASECTOMY 

COLUMMA, MissoURI—Researchers at 
the University of Missouri School of 
Medicine ave hoping to achieve male 
contraception through the use of ultra- 
sonic waves. Working on the principle 
that heat stops sperm production, the re- 
searchers have succeeded in temporarily 
sterilizing rats by exposing their testes to 
painless low-level ultrasonic radiation— 
the same way that electromagnetic radia- 
tion is used to heat food in microwave 
ovens. The treatment appears to produce 
no changes in hormone balance or sexual 
behavior, and once its safety is further 
established it will be tried out on human 
volunteers. According to Mostafa S. 
Fahim, the reproductive pharmacologist 
in charge of the research, a few minutes’ 
exposure to ultrasound would feel “lik 
а massage around the testes” and, depend- 
ing on the dose, would theoretically 
render а man infertile for months or pos- 
sibly years. 


MASSACHUSETTS MADNESS 
noston—In a determined effort to re- 
place the obscenity statutes ruled uncon- 
stitutional by the state supreme court 
(Forum Newsfront, August), the Massa 
chusetts legislature is pressing for a porn 
law so tough and specific that it would 
ban virtually ай types of erotic material, 
їїтсайу approved by the house, with 


senate passage expected, the bill would 
prohibit the magazines, 
books, films or paintings depicting male 
or female genitalia, the nipple of the f 
male breast and any actions closely resem- 
bling sexual conduct, 


sale of any 


NOVEL PROTEST 

ROCK ıuuıxoıs—The Rock Is- 
land school board has voted to retain 
the book “Go Ask Alice” in school li 
braries despite strong protests from some 
parents over its use of profanity in 
portraying, in diary form, the death of 
a young girl from drug abuse. During a 
sas debated, a 
dog excrement, and 


ISLAND, 


meeting where the issue 
smeared with 
carrying a Bible and a briefcase contain- 
ing more excrement, entered the 


man 


тоот 
and took a front-row seat to protest the 
book. He left upon request and ex 
plained to reporters afterward that he 
had brought the briefcase of feces so oth 
ers could join in his protest. No one ac- 
cepted his offer, he 


VEY, 


PORN IN PARIS 


ranıs— Parisian pornographers have 
organized the Association for the Unfet- 
tered Knowledge of French Erotic Arts 
and Commerce to fight against what they 
consider police harassment and discrimi- 
nation, Protesting in behalf of 40 pub- 
lishers, 30 printers and ten writers who 
‘insult to good mor- 


president Daniel 


are being tried for 


als,” AUK PEAG 


LeBeau said that the authorities are per- 
seculing pornographers whose war 
sold discreetly in shops with no outside 
displays while overlooking the nudes on 
the covers of magazines displayed openly 
on public newsstands, Another official of 
the group added, “The day pornography 
wins freedom from censorship, we will 
have time to improve the literary quality 
of our output.” 


are 


CENSORSHIP OUTFLANKED 

RACINE of a high 
school newspaper, labeled “too porno- 
graphic" to be distributed to students, was 
reprinted by a local daily newspaper in 
its regular edition. The school principal 


wisconstn—Part 


had ordered the student paper, The 
Bronco Times of the Union Grove High 
School, confivated because it contained 
a group of articles on abortion, pregnan- 
су, contraceptives and rape, based on 
material from the library and health 
classes. After reprinting the controversial 
articles, the city editor of The Racine 
Journal-Times wid, “We did not find 
the stories at all objectionable and felt 
the content was exceptional.” 


BETTER DEAD THAN WED 
cuıcaco—Despile his wife's 

plot to have him murdered, a 45. 

suburban Chicago man has been ordered 


to pay her 5100 а month temporary sup 
port, $750 toward her lnwyer’s jees and to 
have her car repaired while he snes her 
for divorce. The woman has been 
charged with giving a $100 down pay 
ment for her 
state's attorney's investigator posing as a 
crime syndicate hit man. 


husband's murder to a 


POT LAWS ATTACKED 

Decriminalization of marijuana has 
been urged by the board of governors of 
the Illinois State Bar Association and 
by more than 100 law-enforcement and 
correctional officers attending а profes- 
sional seminar in Florida. Both groups 
recommended repeal of current pot laws 
for essentially the same reason: that the 
individual and social costs of enforcing 
the laws outweigh their benefits. 


FLAG LAW OVERTURNED 

WASHINGTON, D.C—In а six-to-three de- 
cision that apparently voids similar stat 
utes in many other states, the U.S, 
Supreme Court has overturned a Massa 
chusetts law making it a crime to treat 
the American flag “contemptuously.” 
The Court evaded the First Amendment 
issue of symbolic speech in the case of a 
man sentenced to six months in jail for 
wearing a flag on the seat of his pants; 
it found the law unconstitutional for 
vagueness, because it “fails to draw rea- 
sonably clear lines between the kinds of 
unceremonial treatment [of the flag) that 
are criminal and those that are not.” 


account of my remarks in a debate about 
erotic entertainment, as reported in a 
letter by B. Benson in the January 
Playboy Forum, is incorrect. In the first 
place, the conversation described was 
not broadcast on television, as the paper 
stated. The paper's story was an account 
ol ап offscreen which 1 
participated, and even did nor 
quote me correctly. 

Furthermore, Benson misstated my 
position when he accused me of saying 
that sex is connected with “mire,” “sew. 
“filth.” ete. I always teach that sex is 
beautiful, not debasing or degrading 

Miss Gerri Madden 

Honolulu, Hawaii 

riaynoy contacted the Honolulu Star 
Bulletin and it agreed that the state- 
ment about the discussion’s being shown 
on television was an error, but insisted 
that Miss Madden was quoted correctly. 


discussion il 
then it 


SEX ON THE FIRST DATE 

‘The letter from the young woman in 
Camden, New Jersey. who describes her 
progression to the point of being willing 
» have sex with any man who attracted 
her (The Playboy Forum, June) re 
called my own maturing experiences. My 
sister and I went through the same series 
of stages in our last two years of high 


school, We had been warned by our 


mother that we mustn't kiss boys until 
the second dite. and we didn’t. Even so, 
we lost our virginity at ages 15 and 16— 


in each case on the sixth date. 

After we had each gone through sever- 
al affairs with different boys, we agreed 
it was foolish to wait all those dates. We 
began to kiss on the first date, go on to 
mutual masturbation the time 
ıt and to screw on the third date. Then 
we would do anything but screw on the 
first date and wait till the second to get 
what we really wanted. By the time I was 
17 and my sister 18, we had taken the 
final step—the logical, efficient 
getting ourselves screwed, If we liked the 
boy and turned him on, we happily and 
enthusiastically fucked the first time 
out, In fact, we never let our dates have 
any doubt of it from the first few min- 
utes after he picked us up, if it wasn't al- 
ready understood when he asked us out. 
This was especially true if the boy had 
already made it with the other sister—as 
was the сазе very often 

We never felt guilty or regarded our 
selves as promiscuous. In our girlish way 
we just decided that it was our ambition 
10 enjoy а lot of sex without involve 
ment, regrets or shame. I'm now 25 and 
married and 1 sill feck that sex is too 
important to deny yourself its pleasures, 

(Name withheld by request) 
Garden City, Kansas 


second 


way of 


GOOD VIBES 

I've been dating a registered nurse 
and we make love regularly. The last 
time we were together in bed, she 


61 


PLAYBOY 


62 


reached over to the night stand and took 
one of those penisshaped vibrators out 
of her purse. She then squeezed some 
K-Y Jelly onto her fingers and began 
massaging the area around my anus. Put 
ting more jelly on her fingers, she 
pushed them into my rectum and lubri 
Gated the opening thoroughly. She told 
me to mount her then, which I did, and 
after lubricating the vibrator this time 
with my penis inside her, she plunged 
the vibrating plastic penis deep into 
my rectum. My own penis felt as if 
it were bigger and harder than it had 
ever been, and my orgasm, which arrived 
quickly, was almost unbearably intense. 
I guess she learned something from all 
those years of taking rectal temperatures. 
(Name withheld by request) 
Reno, Nevada 


TASTELESS JOKE 

Го call sex between virtual strangers 
liberation is little more than а tasteless 
joke. Free love is no emotional bargain; 
aman may feel dissatisfied and a woman 
may well feel guilt. Postcoital depres 
sion exists even among society's swingers, 
and the question “Is that all there is?” 
may be a manifestation of the alienation 
that casual sex creates. 

While some may argue that letting go 
of inhibitions is always good, it seems to 
me entirely possible that in many in- 
stances what passes for sexual passion is 
in fact bottled-up hostility. Sexual hones 
ty in the “now” generation can sometimes 
be sexual deceit. Chastity may have lost 
its meaning for many people, but therein 
lies human dignity 

J. Horseman 
North Amherst, Massachusetts 

Postcoital blues are а problem—some. 
times, for some people. Psychologist 
John Money writes, “Sexual liberation— 
sex as sport—is too much for people to 
cope with, if they were reared on the 
dogma of sex as a serious and sacred vite. 
The social battle over sexual liberation 
will be with us for some time to come,” 
The feeling that casual sex is morally 
wrong will certainly sour it; so will the 
unrealistic expectation that sex by itself 
will dispel loneliness, create a meaning- 
ful relationship or fulfill other emotion- 
al needs. Wanting more from sex than it 
can provide is what raises the question “Is 
that all there is?” Better to view free love 
not as a bargain but as a gift. 


OLD-FASHIONED VIRTUE 

The April Forum Newsfront reports 
that a woman in Princeton, New Jersey 
is suing State Farm Mutual Automobile 
Insu mpany and the Retail 
Credit Company for invasion of privacy. 
State Farm canceled her automobile in 
surance after Retail Credit reported that 
she was living with a man out of wed- 
lock. Newsfront added that the Federal 
Trade Commission is attempt 
» of the Retail Credit Com- 
nd to require it to 


nce С 


g to re- 
strict 5с 
pany's 


activities 


open its files to people who have been 
investigated 
Although I do not like some of the 
practices of such companies as Retail 
Credit, Hooper Holmes Bureau and 
Service Review, I think their existence 
is necessitated by the thoughtlessness, 
greed and outright dishonesty of a large 
portion of the population. About 50 
years in this part of the country, 
people never locked their doors at night; 
they left the key in the car parked out- 
side; most would never have considered 
alter drinking or smoking pot, 
they might accidentally kill 
some people would not buy any- 
thing on credit that they couldn't рау 
for; and trying to swindle an insurance 
company was unthinkable, This is all 
changed. It seems to me that people 
today can't live without insurance and 
they can't live without credit cards, and 
these companies can't function without 
investigating potential customers. If Ке 
tail Credit is prevented from doing the 
job, the investigatory work may well end 
up being the responsibility of the Federal 
Government 
Because I am a former investigator for 
the Retail Credit Company, 1 request 
that you withhold my name, to spare me 
problems both with Retail Credit and 
with people whom 1 or my colleagues 
may have investigated. 
(Name withheld by request) 
Lubbock, Texas 


THE REFORM THAT FAILED 

In the May Playboy Forum, D. Rose 
mentions a couple of bizarre prostitu 
tion cases from Portland, Oregon, and 
wonders whether local law-enforcement 
agents may have “a psychotic hatred for 
prostitutes. 
approach to the problem of prostitution 
certainly has been peculiar. During its 
1973 session, the state legislature debat 
ed a bill, sponsored by local female so 
lons, calling for prostitution to be 
legalized. When that ЫШ failed, the 
ladies, exploiting their male colleagues’ 
fear of being labeled sexists, introduced 
a bill that imposes equal criminal liabil 
ity on both the buyer and the seller of 
sexual favors. Oregon Revised Statutes 
Chapter 52 was passed and went into 
ellect in October 1975. 

The Portland police marked the event 
with two remarkable busts. The first re 
sulted in a popular local sportscaster's 
being charged with responding атта 
tively daring 


I doubt that. but Oregon's 


a conversation on a public 
prostitute, He was sub: 
sequently fired from his well-payir 

television gig, denied unemployment 
compensation and so thoroughly black 
listed that he ended up checking gro 
ceries in a market for two dollars an 
hour. He stood trial and was acquitted, 
because there was no evidence he had 
made a binding offer to the prostitute. 
His local career was ruined, though, and 


street with 


his former employers exacted from him a 
gentleman's agreement under which he 
promised to forgo filing suit in exchang 
for their helping with his job hunti 
He got a new job and left town. 

The other prominent case was that of 
a 78-yearold man (Forum Newsjront, 
February). Prosecutors claim they werc 


led to him by the ads he ran in an 
underground paper. They dispatched a 
female vice officer, who handed him 
money, then busted him. 

A monument to equality at any price 
Chapter 52 demonstrates that the law 
makes a poor vehicle for sarc 

Patrici 
Рог 


sm. 
Ann Mapps 
1, Oregon 


GANG BUSTERS 

In Sacramento, California, he who is 
not chaste may end up being chased. 1 
mean really chased, like in those thrilla 
minute auto chases in movies glamoriz 


ing our heroic police officers. In a case 
there, two vice detectives had just arrest 
ed a guy for soliciting 
tually an undercover police а 


“prostitute” (ac 
ent) when 
they saw another sucker approach her 
They attempted to arrest this lawbreaker 
too; but instead of surrendering peace 
ably, the second miscreant took off in his 
car, with one of the cops hanging onto 
the door for 150 feet or so before letting 


go and falling off. The othcers then gave 
chase in earnest, just like in the movies 


Alas, there was no movie ending: at 


intersection, the police crashed into a 
themselves and damned 
near killing the first arrestee (who was 
handcuffed in the back seat). That's right 
This 
intensive-care unit just for going out in 
the evening to look for a bed partner 

Fornicators, beware of Sacramento 
The cops take their work very seriously, 
and they come on like Gang Busters—or 
ball busters. 


van, injuring 


at ended up in a hospital 


T. Riley 
San Francisco, California 


PRIESTS WITH GUNS 

Since The Playboy Forum holds that 
the term “crim 
misleading (June), you may be interested 
to know that Charles McCabe, columnist 
for the San Francisco Chronicle, has pro 


s without victims” can be 


posed the more accurate term “crimeless 
crime.” McCabe notes that т 


victimless crimes really do have victims 


ny so-called 


There is no denying that the fami 
lies of gamblers and drug users and 
drunks are frequently victims of the 
habit which grips one or more mem 
bers of that family 

A much better term has been sug 
gested to me by a friend. “Crimeless 
crime,” he says. 1 
the best way to describe what the op- 


ее. This is by far 


ponents of laws against morality are 


ghting. 
There was some time in our cul- 


ture when sins and crimes wer 


ч © 2 Б 
..-when you can look forward 
to being forty. 


...for finally admitting to 
yourself that you take betti 
pictures with your Browni 
than with you 
fancy reflex came 


усш to M the уял 
J40 Stewart Lit 


(EDINBURGH) — 


BLENDED SCOTCH 


„because you chose 
our Scotch for value. 
And the Scotch 
ose was the one that 
all the others on 
to lightness. 
ginal light Scotch. 


1974. 


2 


80 or 86 Proof • Brown Forman Di 


63 


PLAYBOY 


64 


viewed tter. Sin was 


separate m 
dealt with by priests, Crimes were 
dealt with by cops. But the things 
began to get mixed up. . 

ЛИ this confusion has resulted in 
that strange modern institution, the 
These 


vice squ: 
priests with guns, who see to it that 
people conform to the true and the 


good as viewed by society 


McCabe urges that such pursuit of 
sins, or crimeless crimes, should be aban- 
doned entirely by the police. Certainly 
with the skyrocketing increase in homi 
cides, burglaries and rapes, we would all 
be safer if the police were restricted to 
protecting us and gave up all effort to 
enforce some church's moral code 

M. Hopkins 

San Francisco, California 


ABORTION COVER-UP? 

The advocacy by the National Right 
to Life С 
amendment to overthrow the Supreme 


mmittee of a constitutional 


Court's ruling legalizing abortion was 
characterized in the May Playboy Forum 


is а “Last Ditch on Abortion.” In fact 
the committee's effort is a first attempt 
to treat the public to a thorough, open 


ind honest discussion of the issues at 


маке Abortion advocates have made 
progress so long as they have been able 
guise the issue and to confuse abor 


tion with contraception, health and liber 


tod 


ation considerations. 


The media's role should be to provide 
full representation of both sides of this 
question, When the public sees the 
truth, it will brin 


great cover-up, and the end of 


ibout the end of the 


tbortion 
1973, 


as permitted by the January 
Supreme Court decision 
The Rev. Warren A. Schaller, Jr 
Act 
National Right to Life Committee 
Washington, D.C 
We don't know what you mean by a 
first attempt; until a few years ago, the 
public heard little but the case against 


Executive Director 


abortion. And using a current catch phrase 
like “cover-up” to imply that your opposi 
tion is trying to disguise issues and confuse 
people is not a good way to promote 
open and honest discussion.” Nor is 
accusing legal-abortion advocates of be 
lieving things they don't: No knowledge 
able person says abortion is an acceptable 
substitute for contraception. 

Health considerations can't be exclud: 
ed from an intelligent discussion of 
abortion. For example, Chicago's Cook 
County Hospital admitted about 4000 
women annually for treatment of com 
plications from criminal abortions be 
tween 1962 and 1968. In April and May 
1973, after the Supreme Court's decision 
there were fewer than five such cases cach 
month. In California, the frequency of 
abortion-caused maternal deaths de 
creased steadily to about ten percent of 


the former frequency after abortion was 
legalized; in New York Gity, there was an 
80 percent decrease. Also, when legal 
abortion isn't an option, the death rate 
from pregnancy itself tends to be higher 
отеп will feel compelled to 
go through и 


since some u 


ith dangerous pregnancies 
rather than risk botched criminal abor 


tions. Thus, the number of maternal 


deaths among women with medical handi 


caps, nea have a 


icies decreased 


history of proble 
by 51 percent in N 
45 percent in California after abortion 


laws were changed. 


і 


York City апа by 


Liberation is also а genuine issue, 
perhaps the crucial one, in this contro 
versy. A з 
by law to follow the dictates о] someone 


oman should not be compelled 


else's conscience 


CONSUMER ABORTS 

Sister Helen Mary McCarthy wrote 
an editorial for a newspaper called the 
Catholic Register attacking both birth 


control and abortion, which is no sur 


prise. That the good sister considers these 


practices imm ses without saying 


Rather amazing. though, is what she does 


say, a bluntly nonspir mission that 
she is against population controls because 
they would deprive the U.S. military 
industrial machine of cannon fodder and 


customers. Here are some choice excerpts: 


The population myth is also a 
cover-up. Abortion and birth control 


set off a vicious circle, giving the eco: 


nomic cycle a runaround that liter 
ally ends in a dead end. The 


squeezed or strangled birth rate 


causes a shrunken market, The con 
sumer needs less baby blankets, baby 
bonnets, scooters, tricycles, raincoats, 
swimsuits. The school child needs 
fewer books, maps, pencil sharp- 
eners, blackboards 

Happy 
Ame 


children like 
can products, but they must 


healthy 


be alive to enjoy them at all 
How can we “build the youth of 
today into the manhood of tomor 


row” if they are not there at all? In a 


war-torn world, crisp uniforms are 
fit only for store-window dummies if 
there are no real red-blooded Ameri 
can men who love our country well 


from foreign 


enough to protect 
power politics who would subvert her 
and her destiny, This is the real “fuel 
shortage” that needs re-evaluation 


today 


And I always thought that people 
should have children because they want 
and love children, rather than to satisfy 


the needs of the economy or the military. 


Roger Johnson 


Washington, D.C. 


FORNICATION LAWS 

I commend you on your editorial “The 
Law Against Love” (The Playboy Forum 
June) and your efforts to abolish laws 


that make crimes of fornication and 
cohabitation. A n 


badly hurt by such a law. He happened 


an I love and I were 


to go to bed with a woman in Sheboy 
gan, Wisconsin. As PLAYnoy has repeat 


edly noted. officials in that city are 


obsessed with persecuting fornicators 
and an old biddy in the neighborhood 
compla 
were arrested and, to help this woman 


ned to the police. The couple 


save face, my friend agreed to marry her 
Two years later, they got a divorce, and 
now 1 can have him back, Three lives 
were messed up by a trivial sex act be 
cause of a stupid law 
(Name wi 
West Milw 


eld by request) 
ukee, Wisconsin 


TEXAS SEX LAWS 
Regarding The Р 


vey of fornication and с 


hoy Forum's sur 


vitation laws 


in different states ("The Law Against 
Love,” June), I'd like to point out that 


Texas is no longer among those states 


that have penalties for fornication and 
cohabitation. Under the new Texas 
penal code, which went into effect on 


January 1, 1974, fornication, sodomy 
and cohabitation between consenting 
adults in private are no longer crimes. 
Homosexual activity is an exception; it 
is a class-C misdemeanor, with a fine of 
up to $200. 

E. Hart 


Fort Worth, Texas 


CANADIAN BACKLASH 
The June Playboy Forum 
The Law Ag 


igan D.A. as saying that in Gan 


editorial 


inst Love” quotes a Mich 
la the 


penalty for fornication is public flog 
ging. The ignorance of some Americans 
amuses and, at times, sickens me. That 
D.A. is the kind of American who comes 
up to Canada in the middle of July with 
skis and snowshoes strapped to the top of 
his car 


I'd write a longer letter but my hands 


are tied to the w 


ripping post (1 got laid 
lastnight) 
Terry Moran 


Calgary, Alberta 


Public flog 


ada. If fornication can be considered a 


зу do not occur in Сап 


crime, then stupidity in public office is 
an even greater crime 
Rob Kitchen 
Winnipeg. Manitoba 


If the Michigan district attorney has a 
penchant for making bad jokes about 
Can 
After all, it was Pierre Elliott Trudeau, 
inister, who said, “The gov 


la, he should be publicly flogged. 


our prime 
ernment has no business in the nation's 
bedrooms.” 

R. J. Razma 

Thunder Bay, Ontario 


Public floggi 


ada? If such we 


g for fornication in Can- 


the case, a large number 


of my compatriots could find themselves 


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PLAYBOY 


66 


in acute discomfort. As an unmarried Са. 
nadian who is not averse to the opposite 
sex, I'd be interested in finding out when 
and where the last public flogging for 
fornication (or anything else) took place 
in this country. 

Suzette L'Abbé 

Montreal, Quebec 

Well, we didn't think that D.A. was 

any too up to date. Gohabitation and for 
nication ате not crimes anywhere in Can- 
ada. Public flogging іх not now used as а 
punishment, According to the Ganadian 
Public Archives, the last public flogging 
occurred in Montreal in 1827: 39 lashes 
for grand larceny. 


THE LAW IS QUEER 

You are to be congratulated for The 
Playboy June rial, “The 
Law Against Love.” It effectively rein 
forces the point that victimless crimes 
should be, clearly outside the 
scope of any civilized system of law and 
justice. Unfortunately, however, edito 
rials and petitions often don't change 
anything 

For example, there has been much 
talk about the rights of homosexuals as 


Forum's edi 


are, or 


citizens of the United States, Ау tax 
payers, homosexuals should be able to 
expect the full protection of their rights 


by the public servants in the law-enforce- 
ment and judicial systems. Yet they con 
tinue to be the victims of 
persecutions by the very people whose 
salaries they help pay: they are fundi 
their own harassment, Under these cir- 
cumstances, it is the law that’s queer 
Michael Washburn 
Raleigh, North Carolina 


idiotic 


LOVE WITHOUT GENDER 

The “straight” contributor from Evans 
ton, Ilinois, who had the best blow job 
of his life fraternity 
(The Playboy Forum, June). said that 
heterosexu make it with a 
member of their own sex have a mental 
handicap. However, he also 
stated that all homosexuals are similarly 
handicapped by their inability to re 
spond to members of the opposite sex. 1 
think he’s operating on a false assump 
tion here; very few gays are incapable of 
an old-fashioned male-female ball, Sure, 
there are some gays who can't make the 
straight scene, and they probably belong 
in the sume category with the 
guy who can't get it up for another male. 
But on either side, these are the excep 
tions, not the rule. For most, it’s a mat- 
ter of preference. The handicap is social, 
hot mental. 

I'm not putting down the writer of the 
letter. than he is putting 
down homosexuals. In fact, I admire any 
basically straight male who can admit to 
blowing a friend or two. He has come a 
long way toward climinating the handi- 
cap he says exists. Hopefully, the time is 
not far off when everyone will be able to 


from a brother 


5 who can't 


Maybe so. 


straight 


anymore 


terms of love and/or 
physical pleasure, without regard for rel 
ative gender and without the mental 
limitations most of us still have in the 
form of preconceived straight or gay 
preferences or prejudices. 

(Name withheld by request) 

Seattle, Washington 


think of sex 


GAY-RIGHTS EFFORTS 


Early this year, the city council of 
Boulder, Colorado, passed by a five-to 
four vote an ordinance prohibiting dis. 


crimination because of a person’s sexual 
orientation, Announcement of the ordi- 
nance caused an Many people 
saw it simply as step toward 
equal rights for all, but others attacked 
it as implying approval of homosexual 
ity. Assurances that other cities had al 
ready passed such laws with no ensuing 
troubles brought 
pressed fears of gay bars, gay teachers of 
children and the possibility of preferen 
tial treatment for homosexuals. 

Businessmen, the chamber of com 
merce and conservative community lead. 
ers in general all strongly opposed the 
ordinance. A concerned citizens group 
was formed to work against it. The local 
papers were swamped with letters to the 
editor, One warned, “А 
be homosexual and a Cl 
this practice is incompatible and contra- 
dictory to Christian teaching so the trick 
your religion!" А choice 
typo appeared in another letter to the 
Daily Camera when a lady stated, “I for 
one am not going to give up my oral 
values 

One woman published an open letter 
accusing Boulder Gay Liberati 
number of things, including puttin 
tireligious and Satanist literature inside 
her screen door at night. Gay Liberation 
filed a $10,000 suit charging defamation. 

When the city council decided to put 
Boulder cit 
izens rejected the ordinance by а vote of 


uproar 
another 


only stridently єх 


person cannot 


istian, 100, as 


is to destroy 


the matter to a public vote 


nearly two to one. 

Meanwhile, a group began to work for 
the removal from office by recall of Pen 
field Tate, Boulder’s first black mayor, 
d Tim Fuller, a liberal councilman who 
had once been a member of Students for 


1 Democratic Society, because of their 
support of the gay-rights ordinance 
Both men were elected in 1971 with 


heavy student support. The recall move 
ment quickly obtained the needed signa 
tures for their petitions, and an election 
маз set for Junc—when the 
students would be town—but a 
court action has been filed to have the 
petitions invalidated and the election 
date is uncerta 

Boulder is one of the first cities in the 
U.S. to be confronted with 
but it won't be the last—nor can 
question be really resolved here. How 
will other communities react when the 
gay-rights controversy hits them? 1 hope 


most of 
out of 


ас 


this issue, 
the 


this letter will help people to start think- 
ing about the problem now. 

H. Glenn 

Boulder, Colorado 

The events in Boulder are part of a 

nationwide legislative drive for gay 

rights, which had previously been sought 


arson 


mostly through the courts. A number 
of cities have enacted homosexual-rights 
laws ranging from small amendments to 
existing full-scale civil rights 
packages, Elsewhere, as in Boulder, such 
efforts to secure gay rights have been de 
feated by vociferous opposition. Last 
spring, the New York City Council con 
sidered a bill that 
discrimination because of sexual prefer 


codes 10 


would have banned 
ence іп housing, jobs and public ac 
Politicking the 
measure was spearheaded by the Roman 
Catholic of New York, 
which called homosexuality “an increas 
ing threat to sound family life in 
city,” and the Uniformed Fire Officers 
Association, which argued that the law 
would “force an employer to hive a per 
vert” and “expose our children to the in 


commodations against 


Irchdiocese 


fluences of sodomites.” In case you're 
wondering what upset the firemen, col 
umnist Nicholas Hoffman has ап 
explanation; he that they 
angry about the prospect of gays sleep 
ing in the same firehouse.” The bill was 
defeated by a 22-19 vote. In contrast, the 
little Upstate New Y Alfred 
a few weeks earlier quietly passed an 
ordinance barring sexual-preference dis 
Other cities where new anti 
discrimination measures have been passed 
are Ann Arbor, Michigan; Berkeley, Cali 
Columbus, Ohio; Detroit; East 

Michigan; Minneapolis; San 
and Washington, D.C 


von 


writes “are 


ork village of 


crimination 


fornia; 
Lansing, 
Francisco; Seattle; 


ASININE LEGISLATORS 

After reading 
Lemon-Donald 
bill (The Playboy Forum, June), 1 have 
cluded that 
tive in the Missouri state 1 
make it possible for an 
former t 


is to open a Pandora's box of vicioustiess. 


about the James L. 


Gann anti-homosexual 
Nazism is alive and ac 
gislature. To 


nonymous in 


deprive a citizen of his rights 
Representatives Lemon and Gann should 
introduce a bill to require 
bigots to be registered 
their civil rights. The rest of us would be 
far safer 


idiots and 


nd deprived of 


The Tennessee state legislature has 
long been considered the ass end of the 
lawmaking mentality because of its war 

a the theory of evolution. If the 
Lemon-€ bill passes in Missouri, its 


legislature should get the title. 
William A. Collier 

Nashville, Tennessee 

Sadly for Tennessee, the Missouri 
anti-homosexual bill died in committee. 


RESPONSIBLE REPRESENTATIVE 
Roy R. Govyeau makes three 
takes in his letter to the June Playboy 


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Forum critic 


ng state assemblyman Alan 
position to capital punish- 
ment (The Playboy Forum, March), First, 
he accuses Sieroty of not representing the 
will of “the majority of voters in Cali- 
fornia.” But it’s his district, not the 
whole state, that elected him and the 
majority of people in Sieroty’s district, 
Beverly Hills, may in fact oppose capital 
punishment. Furthermore, it can be 
argued that a representative's first duty 
is to act in the people's best interests, 
rather than simply to do what they want 

In the second place, the people of С 
ifornia voted for a proposition ths 
ed the death penalty, but th 
not vote for the particular law Sieroty 
opposed, which makes capital punish- 
ment mandatory for those found guilty 
of any of 11 different crimes, ‘There's no 
evidence, to my knowledge, that a major- 
ity of Americans favors a mandatory 
death penalty. So it’s not even clear that 
Sieroty was going against the will of the 
people of Californ 

Thir ıu accuses Sieroty of “at- 
tempting to impose his moral views on 
the people of his state.” I£ we go back 
and look at Sieroty’s letter, we see that 
he opposes the death penalty because it 
icide or other violent 
:s and because restoring it will di 
vert public attention from efforts to re 
move the causes of such crimes, which is 
the only practical way to reduce the 
number of them, Sieroty also says he is 
philosophically oppos statesanc- 
tioned killings.” but his main arguments 
are on pragmatic rather than moralistic 
grounds. 

The June Forum also published let- 
ters describing the idiotic remarks and 
the behavior of legislators in Vermont, 
South Carolina and Missouri, From 
these and other instances I've read 
about, I'd зау we G 
darned lucky to have an enlightened man 
like Alan Sieroty as one of our state 
lawmakers. 


d "to 


jifornians are 


Albert Cl 
Los Ange 


k 


es, California 


LYNCHING NOT ALL BAD 

Opponents of capital punishment 
often like to compare it to lynching 
п they say is emotionally satisfying 
but barbaric and socially counterproduc- 
tive. It seems to me that if executing the 
perpetrator of a 
the same feeling 
necessarily bad. 

Of course, lynching has the obvious 
drawback of dispensing with such nic 
ties as trials and due process, making it 
; 1 do not favor its revival. 


heinous crime invokes 


a lynching, that isn't 


prone to err 


However, executing a dangerous crimi- 
nal can perform the useful social func- 
tion of dissipating potentially harmful 


aggressive feelings at the same time ıl 
it eliminates the threat he represents. 
Lest my liberal friends be moved to 


at 


lynch me figuratively and intellectually, 
Task that my name be withheld. 
(Name withheld by request) 
Boston, Massachusetts 


SIMPLE-MINDED $.О.В.$ 

The state of Washington, for the past 
few years, has had a program called 
People in Need, which distributes free 
food to the California, а much 
richer state, never had such a program 
until the Patricia Hearst kidnaping, 
whereupon some Washington People in 
Need coordinators were brought in to set 
one up to meet the demands of the kid- 
napers. Governor Ronald Reagan then 
announced—after a hefty luncheon with 
some of his rich Republican friends— 
that he hoped there would be “an epi- 
demic of botulism” among the people 
who received the free food. 

Meanwhile, the Georgia senate’s Re- 
publican leader, Armstrong Smith, has 
proposed that the state sterilize mentally 
retarded women and rapists. 
According to United Press, the Georgia 
senate rejected the castration bill 33-19 
and has not yet acted on the sterilization 
proposal 

There's always some smug son of a 
hitch who'll advocate a simpleminded— 
and often cruel—remedy for a complex 
problem as long as it doesn’t inconven- 
ience him, (Recall the Congressional hi- 
larity focused on the problem of rats in 
the ghettos a few years back.) When such 
a sadist is an elected official, 1 don't 
know whether to be angry or just plain 
scared 


poor. 


castrate 


H. Dixon 
San Francisco, California 


RAPE-LAW CHANGE 

At present, nine out of ten rapes are 
not reported, and most rapists escape 
with impunity, The major reason for 
this is the tremendous embarrassment to 
which a rape victim is subjected when 
she is examined on every intimate detail 
of her sexual history as part of the inves- 
tigation and trial. Far too often rape vic 
tims, in effect, become the defendants in 
the trial 

Happily, this may soon change—in 
California, at least. The state senate here 
has passed. by a vote of 31 3. my bill, 
which provides the first meaningful re- 
form in California rape law since before 
the turn of the century, It changes the 
law regarding rape trials to render inad 
missible any evidence of the victim's 


prior sexual history except for previous 
sexual contacts with the person she 
has accused. 

This legislation has received strong 
support from many segments of the pop- 
ulation as well as in the senate. Sim- 
ilar legislation based on the California 
model 1 vada 
and New York and is being contemplat- 
ed in Florida. I sincerely believe that 


5 been introduced in > 


the frank and explicit discussion in The 

orum on various aspects of 

n general and rape in particu- 

lar has contributed substantially to the 

changes in public attitude that have 

made possible this necessary and long- 
overdue change in our laws on гаре 

State Senator Alan Robbins 

North Hollywood, California 


SUBCONSCIOUS GUILT 

I'm skeptical about the all 
break” veterans with lessthan-honorable 
discharges will get if the stigma is re 
moved by legal action, as reported in the 
May Forum Newsfront, Ап A.C.L.U. 
lawyer predicts that Government agen- 
ies and private corporations will no 
т be able to refuse these men em 
ployment. This reminds me of Jean 
Paul Sarue’s play The Condemned of 
Altona in which а German officer guilty 
of war crimes is protected from facing 
the consequences of his actions by his 
father, The result is that guilt drives the 
d 
nk that if those who disobeyed 
ary discipline are not made to suf 
fer in some way, they, too, will fall vic 
tim to adverse subconscious reactions. 

ate Dennis N. Peskey 
атр Pendleton, California 

Given a bas most veterans would 
probably take the job and risk the “ad. 
verse subconscious reactions.” 


1 “better 


LESS-THAN-HONORABLE DISCHARGES 

Among the casualties of the Vietnam 
war are approximately 2,000 veterans 
who got less:than-honorable disc 
These veterans will be blocked from e 
cational and medical benefits, from in 
surance policies, civilservice positions 
and reemployment rights. Unable to 
take their place in society as productive 
citizens, many of these men will become 
burdens to their families, go on welfare, 
turn to drugs or end up in mental insti- 
tutions or prisons. Most of them are men 
who got into trouble at 19 or 20 years of 
age because of drugs, racial discrin 
tion or opposition to the war 
portionate percentage аге members of 
minority groups; 20 percent of general 
discharges went to non-Caucasians. 

The American Veterans Committee's 
Legal Aid Program assists veterans in 
upgrading bad discharges by providing 
information and advice and finding legal 
counsel for the appeals process. The pro 
gram, through litigation and careful 
scrutiny, has pressured the Department 
of Delense to improve and expedite some 
of its review-of-discharge procedures. 
A.V.C. has also written and published 
Handbook: Facts on Othe: “Than- Honor 
able Discharges, which 
one dollar from A.V.C. 
gram, 5 Connecticut Avenue, NW 
Wash 20036, It provides infor- 
mation on how to get an appeal started, 

(continued on page 242) 


А dispro: 


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ranor www ANTHONY BURGESS 


a candid conversation with the visionary author of “a clockwork orange” 


In 1959, John Anthony Burgess Wilson, sonatas and some incidental music. “I Houdini, outlining a play based on the 
m officer for the British Co. wish,” he says wistfully, “people would life of Christopher Marlowe and gearing 
lonial Service in Mala 
from he 


an suffering think of me as а musician who writes up for immediate departure on a college 
laches. Doctors imputed them to novels, instead of the other way round. lecture tour for which he had made no 
а brain tumor, told him he had only a 1 find I still plan a novel rather like a preparations. '1 don't plan my lectures, 


year to live and invalided him home to musical work”—a scheme that is most he said. Ч just leave it to God. 
England. Aided by an inborn Elizabethan evident in “Napoleon Symphony.” And “Obviously, he had no time to talk to 
prodigality—and “massive doses of Dexe- when he isn't writing or 1 


ed him west 


composing, he's me in New York, so 1 foll 


drine and gin”—he wrote and a half lecturing, teaching and tr 


cling between оп his campus tour, Though our actual 
dazzling novels during his allotted twelve- his temporary and pr 


manent homes taping sessions didn't begin until he 


month, in а desperate 


to carn a іп Rome, Майа and the U.S. He's a hard returned to New York, 1 caught up with 


legacy for his prospective widow, herself man to keep up with, as тїлүвоү him in the murky depths of a pseudo 
ailing and alcoholic. Whereupon fate interviewer С. Robert Jennings discov. vathskeller in Berkeley, where he was 
played one of its ironic twists: The brain ered. Jennings’ report dining with his lecture sponsors and the 
tumor had apparently been misdiagnosed 1 finally located Burgess in New York. editors of various magazines, deftly parry 
and Anthony Burgess—his реп name— He was teaching classes of City College ing questions about Ezra Pound, Kip 
did not die, But his wife did. students їп a cluttered, spacious apartment ling, Lawrence, Dickens, Sartre, Greene 
Since that time, Manchester-horn Bur at rd and West End Avenue, where he Sterne, Dylan Thomas, Pope, Evelyn 
gess, 57, has been only slightly less prolif- was living with his sec wife.an Italian Waugh, Joyce, Goethe, Milton, Gerard 
ic in his liter He has written comesa named Liliana, their young son, Manley Hopkins, T. S. Eliot, Vonne 
more than а sco many of them Andrea, and an Ethiopian secretary, Con- gut—and autographing everything from 
novels, including his recent blockbuster urrently, h as appearing on TV talk books (often by other authors) to the 
success, “Napoleon Symphony,” and his shows, making assorted commencement backs of Blue Chip stamps 
best-selling vision of a mind-controlled addresses, їп very reading, meet 1 huge, shambling haystack of a man 
societ 1 Clockwork Ovange”—but s ing with the ian producers of a Burgess looks as if he spent his days rum 
eral of them a rudite literary studies television series on Moses, discussing a maging through attics, His unkempt 
on an astounding variety of topics, from suit against the film producers of ‘A brown hair doesn't seem to spring natu 
Shakespeare to the structure of the novel Clockwork Orange, outlining the libret- rally from his great round head so much 
to a translation of Комат "Cyrano de to for a musical on the Don Juan legend, as surround it, like some nimbus. His face 
Burgess loves to play with working to + interest in his com- js pasty, his clothes ате rumpled; his gen 
ет.) He has also pleted sereen musicals on Sh eral mien is that of а тап whose daily 
en plays, composed and James Joyce's ‘Ulysses,’ launching grind hangs over him with the imminence 
honies. concertos for flute, bas. 12-part TV series on Shakespeare, begin- of Damocles’ sword—and yet whose pain 


soon, piano and percussion, а brace of ning work on a movie musical about at the world’s follies is intermittently 


үр! à: 


ody knows what poverty is in “I tend to identify with certain minor 
erica. Standare 


та God ilies such as the Boston Irish. My people 
bless America for th person are the poor and downtrodden, the 
dasa drunk, the fat-bellied and the garlic-smell. 


ing, the Catholic and the s nial” gg 


without a refrigera 


specimen of suffering 


PLAYBOY 


70 


eclipsed by his Rabelaisian relish for life's 
sensuous delights. Like Salinger in the 
Fifties, Vonnegut and Tolkien in the Six- 
ties, Burgess has become something of a 
cult figure on college campuses. That 
celebrity brings him not only lecture book 
ings but some rather down-to-earth offers, 
like the one froma dude in Berkeley who 
advised: You're old, but you're important 
man. 1 can get you some chicks,’ Burgess 


was vastly complimented. Since most of 
his ne 
from Stanley Kubrick's film version of 
“A Clock 
that work seemed a good starting point 
for the inte 


found collegiate notoriety derives 


ork Orange’ a discussion of 


PLAYBOY: Since A Clockwork Orange is 
easily your most famous work, and one of 
the fulerums on which your talks turned 
during your last tour of this country, it 
seems а propitious place to begin 
BURGESS: One must make concessions to 
one’s hosts, but Clockwork Orange is the 
book I like least. We're all inclined to 
love the pornography of violence, but for 
me that work was a kind of personal tes 
tament made out of love and sorrow, as 
well as of ideas and theology. My first 
wife had a traumatic experience during 
the war, when she was working at the 
Ministry of War Transport on ships for 
the D-day landings, She was working very 
late one night. and coming home off the 
dock she was very severely mauled by four 
GI deserters. It often happened that 
young Gls, probably from unsophisti 
cated states, would think that warm Eng 
lish beer was very weak stuff and would 
drink too much of it. They'd get drunk 
perhaps assault an officer, get frightened, 
desert and live underground, A lot of 
these people did odd jobs, but some 
of them went around mugging and, of 
course, the blackouts were a natural 
d there weren't very many ро 
lice around, 

My wile was one of their unlucky vic 
tims. It wasn't a sexual assault, it was an 


cover 


attempted robbery, and they tried to take 
her wedding ring off and she screamed 
and then they hit her; she was pregnant 
at the time and lost the child. Involun 


tary abort This was followed by a 


disease that was very hard for the 
gynecologists to explain, It brought on 
perpetual loss of blood, perpetual men- 
struation, so there had to be a corre- 
sponding intake of fluid, She was not 
able to have any children or even to h 
tercourse for а long time. The gyneco. 
logical complex begot its own psychologi 
cal aura. Things never got really right 
again. And so she just resigned herself to 
the idea of wanting to die and drank 
steadily. T couldn't stop her. Finally she 
got what she wanted 
PLAYBOY: How old was she when she died? 
BURGESS: Гоо young—in her early 40s 
PLAYBOY: And you distilled this experi- 
ence into the Clockwork Orange rape? 
BURGESS: Yes, thal was an attempt to 


cleanse the whole thing out of my mind, 
by objectifying and fictionalizing it. It 
was a means of clearing the genuine ha 
tred out of my mind. Pure catharsis, a jeu 
de spleen, 

PLAYBOY: Didn't you originally get the 
idea for Clock 
penologists su 
oners to behave well? 

BURGESS: Yes. I spoke to many people in 
pubs about this, and they said it was ех- 
cellent, it was fine. “Knock the bloody 
heads off the bastards, it would make 
good citizens of them.” ‘That people real- 
ly believed it was a good thing—that 
frightened me. 

PLAYBOY: Is it true that you sold the film 
rights to Clockwork Orange for $500? 
BURGESS: It’s not quite as simple as that 
What happened was that in the mid- 
Sixties, The Rolling Stones wanted to 
make a movie out of the book with Mick 
Jagger playing Alex. A New York law 
yer—one of this new breed, who is also 
the executive producer—came on the 
scene, and I sold it to him then for $500, 
I needed the money, I've had a couple of 
ex gratia payments since then, which have 
brought the total sum up to something 
like 53000, but in comparison with what 
the film makers themselves are likely te 
carn from the global receipts of the pic- 
ture, it's still not very much. 

PLAYBOY: Does it depress you that every- 
body else is making so much money on it? 
BURGESS: In а way it does, but on the 
other hand, I don’t want a lot of money, 
because that means you have to buy a 
yacht and а villa, and you have to find 
time to devote to these things. 1 have no 
time. I have to write seven days a week, 
for the most part, and the fewer things 1 
have, the better. 

PLAYBOY: If money doesn’t motivate you, 
how about fame? Are you enjoying the 


vork Orange when some 


gested “conditioning” pris- 


celebrity status you've achieved since 
Clockwork became a best seller—and a 
hit film? 

BURGESS: In a curious, humble way, it 
gives me a sense of solidarity with ordi 
nary people, It’s especially pleasant in 
New York to be able to go into a shop 
and be recognized; it’s nice to be in that 


nily or living 
ge. It has nothing to do with 
lity. it's just that one likes not 
to be anonymous. I'm often recognized 
by people who've seen me on television 
I's a curious thing—I enjoy talking, and 
going on TV talk shows means that 1 can 
he listened to without being interrupted 
too much, And the smell of grease paint 
is very pleasant. This may strike you as 
being absolutely stupid, but I also enjoy 
the heat of the lamps, I sweat like a pig 
under them, but I like that sensation of 
being in the warm. 

PLAYBOY: On those talk shows, and in the 
discussions after your lectures, one ques- 
tion always seems to come up—so we'll 
ask it, too: What did you think of the 
film version of A Clockwork Orange? 


position, like being in a 
in a vil 
fame or 


BURGESS: I thought it was very 
felt 1 was in the presence of а classi 
the moment the film be 
Purcell music done electro 
that. But in terms of 
were many, many faults in the film. It 
misses many of the main points of the 
book. Kubrick makes violence very at 
tractive, and the ending was changed 
drastically 

PLAYBOY: In what way? 

BURGESS: Well, I can't blame Kubrick 
for this; he was working from the Ameri 
can edition of the book, even thous! 
was making the film in England with 
British artists, But the American edition 
is а truncated one, only 20 chapters, in 
comparison with the British edition 
which has 21. In the last chapter of the 
British edition, young Alex is growing up 
and regretting his violence as rather a 
waste of time. He is changing from with 
in; he wants to get married and have a 
child and perhaps become 
music, The film gives the gloomy impres 
sion that the сусе is going 
a which was not my intent, Mine 
was a positive ending. Of course, the 
whole book is an optimistic book. I was, 
after all, brought up a Catholic, and 
Catholics are trained to be optimistic 
about man, because they accept at a very 
carly age the great premise that ma 
born into a state of evil, Once we realize 
that, then we сап only go up, we can't go 
down. Whereas lil 
la 
man was born with at least an equal 
potentiality for good—perhaps only with 
a potentiality for good—so they become 


from 
ап, with the 
ically and all 
laptation, there 


he 


to begin 


1 was 


als, religious or secu 
‚ believe otherwise; they believe that 


disappointed when men commit evil 

Catholics of my kind « 
appointed, because we expect evil: we 
know man is, as it were, programmed that 


n't become dis- 


way. We're surprised at his capacity for 
good. Look at history, and you'll see that 
man has survived only because of his odd 


man will 
probably go on, not getting better but 
certainly surviving, and producing more 
Hitlers—but also more Mozarts and Са 
vaggios, and so on. As а lapsed Catholic, 
I find my sense of good and evil is quite 
simple, really: I don't think of God as 
being good in the sense of giving money 
to the poor and meck, who definitely 
have not inherited the earth. God is good 
k. There's 
an apple 


flashes of goodness. We feel th 


when He gives us a grilled ste 
good when we make love or ¢ 
or watch a sunset. Evil certainly exists. 
too; it is undoubtedly evil to fart during 
Beethoven's Ninth, But choice is all. To 
impose good, whether through force or 
the 
therapy, is evil; to act evil is better than 
to have good imposed 

PLAYBOY: Was aversion therapy being 
used anywhere at the time you wrote 
A Clockwork Orange. or do you think 


some technique like aversion 


the current practice was inspired by 
your book? 
BURGESS: Aversion therapy dates back at 


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71 


> 
о 
щ 
> 
= 
a 
A 


t to the experiments of Pavlov, of 
пот it may be said that he was one of 
the fathers of the Russian Revolution. At 
least he was quite willing to let his labo: 
ratory experiments be extended to help 
produce a kind of new Soviet man who 


should be conditioned 


› be happy in the 
social situation imposed upon him. The 
technique was not always aversive; he 


used both pain and pleasure as triggers 


for promoting responses, But during the 
period of the Cold War—or, in Korca 
the hot war—and during the Revolu 
tion in Rusia, it was always aversive 


techniques that were used for changin 


people's minds, or for brainwashing 
them, The techniques used in Clockwork 
Orange are also aversive, but this doesn't 
deny the fact that more positive induce 
ments are posible. The big difference 
between the vision of Clockwork Orange 
and the vision of B. F. Skinner, for in 
stance, is that Skinner hates the idea of 
aversion therapy and thinks totally in 
terms of positive inducements. He thinks 


we сап become good—and achieve it 


pleasantly—if given rewards for doing 


the right thing 
PLAYBOY: What's your opinion of Skinner? 
BuRGESS: 1 think he’s very dangerous. 
There's obviously a great desire on the 


rt of the Americ 


I n people, and to 
some extent on the part of Europeans, 
to want his kind of world; one in which 
everything is made casy, in which you 
shall be wound up like a clockwork ma 
chine and be good all the time and have 
no worry about making ethical choices. 
What horrifies me about Skinner is that 
he can think the h 


ın soul responds 
only to rewards. That isn't rue at all, I 
I could be given candy and yachts and 


houris for bec а mechanical crea 


nin 


ture, something inside me would still say 
no. If one of the conditions of being a 
free man, of being able to think my own 


thoughts and come to my own conclu 


sions, was that I should be lashed every 
day, or live on bread and water, 1 would 
still prefer that to luxury without free 
dom. People aren't quite as simple as 
Skinner thinks. 

Not long ago, I spoke to the New 
York chapter of Phi Beta Kappa; it was 
a lecture for which 1 was given no money 
and for which everybody came very late 
and in order to make it, I had to give 
up a lecture in Ohio for which 1 would 
have been paid $2000, But a fat-bellied 
surgeon there said to me that nobody 


does anything without the inducement of 


money. I didn’t say any more than “Oh 
yes?” But it’s rather American to assume 
that people do things only for tangible 
rewards. 1 don't think it’s true of m: 


with the 


all. Man has done many thing: 
sure knowledge that he would be pun 
ished for doing them. Such as translating 
the Bible during the pre-Reformation 


period or believing in the ‘Trinity when 


it was taught that the Trinity was heresy 
PLAYBOY: Even if you didn’t get paid for 


that Phi Beta Kappa speech, don't you 


lecture primarily for the money in it 

BURGESS: 1 don't seem to have made апу 
money out of it at all. I've worked very, 
very hard this past year, been all over the 


Union lecturing to students, but all the 


money seems to have 


bills, meals, air fares, which all comes out 


of one’s own pocket, and into standing 


drinks for the students. So you 1 
end up by thinking 
ble undertaki 


ve to 


of it 


g but as a means of meet 
ing the students. And from that angle 
it's been rather interesting. I enjoy meet 
ing American students, They're sharp 


and they're an: 


us to hear people talk, 


which is something you don't find in Eu 


rope. Americans like writers to be real 
people who will talk to them and discuss 
their books. There is а very bad novel by 
Somerset Maugham called Cakes and Ale 
in which there is a character who says 


that Americans prefer a living mouse 


to a dead lion, and I agree with him 
totally, That's one of the things 1 like 
about America. 

PLAYBOY: You were something of a livit 


lion as a visitin »rolessor at Princeton. 


but you've been quoted as having hated 
that experience. Why? 
BURGESS: 1 was definitely the dead п 


there, not really wanted. I had 


reat 


difficulty even finding out what was до. 


ing on in the English Department. Quite 


apart from that, I resented a lot of the 


kids who were ragged in appearance 


but very rich. It’s a horrible aspect of the 
heresy called Americanism. You have a 
lot of money: your father owns Quaker 


Oats or General Motors or something 


ind you've 


и to go about in bare feet 
with holes in your trousers and talk 
about the virtues of poverty. But you're 
ıt Princeton, which is not a university 
for the poor, and you spend money free 
ly, carelessly 

PLAYBOY: Why should you be so disturbed 
by what students choose to wear 

BURGESS: 1 suppose I've been 


through a sour period as regards the sar 


torial habits of the young because I'd 


been runni 


а creative-writing course 
for American students in Majorca, in the 
village of Deya, where Robert Graves 
lives. And there 1 saw a lot of hippies, 
members of the 
espad 
flied T-shi 


of that island have 


culture, dressed in 


and ragged jeans and butter 


That is how the peasants 
to dress. They don't 


choose to dress that way: they'd be glad 


to wear tuxedos every evening. But these 


cool children sat there cadging coffee 


ind toking on their joints, mocking in 


their very dress these peasants who have 
to wrest a living from the sea and the 
soil. It was an assumption on their part 
that only fools worked. Well, somebody 


has to work 


These kids were a special elite, and 


they are the very ones who cry out 
against elit But what I think sick 
ened me more than anything 

kids in Deya was that once a week they 
gave up one of their number—in this 
particular case, it was a young man called 
Michel—to the local police to be beaten 
up. He was their scapegoat, their Jesus 


Michel would be beaten up and return 
with bruises on his body, an the whole 
company could be sustained in peace for 


another week, until it was time Mi 


1, who was the dumbest of the 


to be beaten up 
lamb, lord of the flies 
PLAYBOY: It’s interesting that you should 
mention Lord of the Flies, since the vio 
lence of its film version—like that 


Clockwork Oran, was damned 


some critics as having а powibly brutal 


ing effect on movie audiences. You no 
doubt read that Arthur Bremer wrote in 
his diary that just before he decided to 
shoot George Wallace, he had gone out to 
see A Clo ork Oran Do feel 


that a v 


ion of violence can precipitate 
real violence 

BURGESS: Art never initiates, It merely 
takes over what is already present in the 
real world, such as violence, and makes 
an aesthetic pattern out of it, or tries to 
explain it. or tries to relate it to some 
other aspect of life. If 1 am going to be 
blamed, however remotely. for the at 
tempted assassination of Wallace, well, 1 
must point to Shakespeare's King Lear or 
to Нат! 


responsible for many a young man’s kill 


Hamlet may have been made 


ing his stepfather, or trying to. Or point 


to the New Testament—specifically, its 


description of the Sacrament of the Holy 
Eucharist, which drove a multiple killer 
in England to the murder of many 
women, so that he could drink their 
blood. That was his way of taking the 


Sacraments. And that man in New York 


State who killed. I think. 65 children be 
Г 


fore being са pecause he wanted to 


offer them to Jehovah; he wouldn't 


have gotten that idea into his head if he 


hadn't read the Old Testament. Even the 


holiest art can be said to inspire violence 
but the impulse is already there in 
humankind, There may be a trigger of 
some sort: it could be a work or 
1 chance association of ideas the 
artist himself cannot be blamed f at 
Unfortunately. if you're going to 
create a work of fictional art, you hav 
only two main t nd violence 
These two major impulses in man—the 
ressive impulse and what I s 


the philopr 


to procreate—have to be the 


themes. We're told that their re 


tion in the popular art forms has le 


sin and crime: therefore. presum 


must get rid of art. Yet we 


of art. We have to accept that the 
bility of a work of art's cau 


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PLAYBOY 


74 


impulse of violence is very much the ex- 
ception, something we have to put up 
with. Из a small payment we have 
ıo make. 

PLAYBOY: How about the cathartic value 
of art for the artist himself? Do you sup- 
pose that if Hitler had been able to get 
into the Vienna Academy, freeing him 
from the drudgery of house painting and 
paper hanging. he might not have be- 
come the psychopath of the century? 
BURGESS: I think most men would much 
prefer to create something, a work of 
beauty, than merely to be in а position of 
power. which normally means to be de- 
structive. What I'm really trying to say is 
that the desire to create a work of art h 
something to do with the desire to beget 
children. I think it's significant, possibly, 
that Hitler had no children, He was not 
the sort of man who would. Yet he want- 
ed to have something. and since he 
couldn't create works of art, he had to 
have power and he had to destroy, 1 
don’t think the case of Mussolini is alto- 
gether cognate with that of Hitler, be- 
cause Mussolini was a writer; he wrote 
novels. He wrote a novel, which 1 have 
read, called The Cardinal's Mistress, It 
n't a bad novel, but obviously he 
мей to be another D'Annunzio, He 
couldn't be D'Annunzio, so he had to be- 
соте a great dictator instead, I don't 
know how much research has been done 
on this, but T should imagine that there 
аге а fair number of men who have done 
great harm in history through thwarted 
artistic impulses. One knows from one’s 
own personal experiences how bitter, de 
structive and thoroughly misanthropic 
small failed artists can be. 

PLAYBOY: You said earlier that Clockwork 
Orange was the book you liked least. 
Which is your favorite 

BURGESS: I « 't like any of them very 
much, because when you read a hook you 
have written, you sce so many of your 
own faults, So the favorite hook is always 
the next one, You feel that in the next 
book you'll get rid of your faults, but the 
faults аге always there, in the very first 
sentence. You have to write а book out 
of your imperfect self. A man who says 
he loves his books is either a liar or a 
bloody fool 

PLAYBOY: Is it as painful to write as it is 
later to read what you've written? 
BURGESS: Agonizing. Especially the begin- 
ning. When one starts а new novel, one 
has to get the first sentence right, and 
this takes a long time, Then one gets 
that right and one tries another sentence, 
and it takes а long time to get that right. 
Probably about 50 pieces of paper go 
into the wastebasket before I've got the 
first page right. But once the first page is 
right, it becomes easier as one goes on 
This explains why my original manu- 
scripts are not very valuable, They don't 
fetch much money on the market. Where- 
as an original typescript by, say, Philip 
Roth, which is covered with loops and 


corrections and is obviously the single 
effort, must be very valuable, Probably 
he knows this and writes them that way 
deliberately. 

PLAYBOY: How much do you norm 
write during a day? 

BURGESS: In the days when I was work- 
ing full out, I would produce 2000 words 
a day. But after that I diminished my 
output to 1000 words a day. because of 
other commitments. But it still strikes me 
t the only way to write a novel is to 
get up in the morning and make your 
coffee and have your breakfast and work 
steadily from about nine until lunchtime 
and then have no lunch: have a pot of 
strong tea. It is essential that one work in 
the afternoon and probably stop about 
five or six, then perhaps do a little more 
work before going to bed, in the cool of 
the evening. The afternoon has normally 
been the taboo time far as writers аге 
concerned. Afternoon, they say, is a dead 
time, Well, I say it’s a very live time, be 
cause you're touching new areas of the 
brain, е 


ly 


not quite as conscious as 
you were in the morning, or will be again 
at night, hence various things will come 
up in the unconscious, which most people 
waste in the siesta. The important thing 
is not having lunch. Once you start hav- 
ing lunch with gallons of wine, it's the 
end of the day. 

PLAYBOY: Why do you say the writer is 
more conscious again in the evening 
BURGESS: I think in the evening one has 
a much sharper view of what one’s done 
during the day and сап do some correc 
tion, if correction is necessary. With the 
artificial light glaring down, the work 
room becomes a kind of laboratory. 1 
suppose you could sum it up by s: 
that in the morning опе is working 
consciously, but there are odd threads 
of unconscious motivation going on; in 
the afternoon the unconscious becomes 
much more important; then in the eve- 
ning one is totally conscious—or even 
sel-conscious. 

PLAYBOY: Do 
on the toilet. 
in Enderb 
BURGESS: Мо, but I've 
two poets who actually imitated the En 
derby method. 1 know one quite consid- 
erable poet who had this little table 
made for himself just big enough for him 
to sit on the lavatory seat and work 
from—which is an admirable idea, be- 
cause the bathr was almost made 
for that purpose, with a huge wastepaper 
basket, where you can just throw things, 
and hope the tap doesn’t drip. 

PLAYBOY: What contemporary writers do 
you read? Do you enjoy the so-called 
New Journalism? 

BURGESS: Well. I'm not а fan of Tom 
Wolfe, yet I've never been prejudiced 
against him. I admire his filles, and 1 ad- 
mire him very much as a draftsman; he 


ju ever write while sitting 
as your quirky poet does 


known at least 


draws extremely well, and this is proba 
bly his primary vocation, But I don't 
think he’s a very good writer. I think he 
is a very stodgy and rather boring writer 
The rhythms of his prose don’t seem to 
be derived from speech. It’s as though 
he's building a little machine for himself, 
а rather bizarre machine that shall have 
validity as а machine, quite apart fre 
any purpose it serves in real life. I's 
most like а kind of Fabergé egg. only on 
а very much lower level: it’s not jeweled 
I don't find in Wolfe any of the joy one 
gets in reading an older writer like, 
y, Evelyn Waugh, who does have this 
jeweled kind of Fabergé quality, but 
also has the rhythm of speech and а little 
popular humor derived from the people 
All of Wolfe's humor derives from what 
he thinks the kids like. There's 
usually something wrong with writers 
that the young like. 
PLAYBOY: They dote on Vonnegut What's 
wrong with him? 
BURGESS: I'm possibly totally mis 
but I've sensed a kind of common quality 
in Vonnegut and Saroyan. What 1 found 
in Saroyan’s work was a kind of oversim 
plistic gloomy optimism, a platform for 
nonsense. He produced a film I'll never 
forget as long as I live: The Human 
Comedy. It was the stickiest piece of false 
optimism I've ever seen in my life. There 
was a major war going on—but what the 
film showed was how nice everybody was 
There was the mother playing the harp 
at home and then one GI saying, to 
whole gang of GIs in a passenger train 
“Why doi а good old-time 
church song?” ‘This is false, and 1 find 
the same kind of falseness in Vonnegut 
I could put up with Vonnegut as a minor 
science-fiction writer until it came t 
Slaughterhouse-Five. Slaughterhouse is а 
n—in a sense like J. М 
Barrie's Peter Pan—in which we're being 
told to carry the horror of the Dresden 
bombing and everything it implies up to 
a level of fantasy. which means that 
neither the fantasy nor the realism works 


be 


тау 


Кеп, 


t we sin 


kind of evasi 


And, at the same time, the thing is bound 
together with this nomic phrase “And so 
it goes.” It’s the fone of the thing that’s 


so sentimental. It’s the only book I think 
I've ever read that T had to give up 20 
pages before the end. Only 20 pages lelt, 
but I said по, I cannot finish 
PLAYBOY: What about Vonnegut's use 
of langua 
BURGESS: One has the se 
berately holding back 
this is the great American th 
not to be too effusive. But the 
a tremendous monotony. 1 understand 
American usage very well, although fre 
quently I pretend not to in order to force 
the users into thinking out and explain 
ing such tropes as "ир! 
out” and looking for the etym 
“rap” and the universal greet 


n that he's 
vocabulary 
ng to do, 
result is 


de! 


“Hi” is, I think, the one seasoning of 
American life that I cannot accept, al- 
though I find it hard to give a reason. 
Perhaps it’s British reserve or something. 
“Hi” is too casual, so familiar that 
overtones of contempt: it sounds like а 
mockery of an Amer-Indian greeting or 
the password of some such preposterous 
society as the Elks or Water Buffaloes, 
I'm not too keen on “wow,” either, al- 
though the Yale professor who is called 
the “Third” Reich thinks highly of it 
and, indeed, makes it the chief vocal ex- 
pression of Consciousness II ecstasy. 
The lady who wrote The Sensuous 
Woman likes it, too. Her recipe for what 
I suppose has to be called penilambency 
involves coating the member with double 
cream, coconut and icing sugar: she has 
а low-calorie alternative for weight 
watchers, The first tongueful brings an 
ejaculation of “Wow!” On 
thought, is it "Mmmmmmm!"? 
PLAYBOY: Whatever turns you on. How 
about Salinger? 

BURGESS; 1 still admire Salinger. I think 
he was a very considerable writer. I have 
to say was, though, alas; he no longer 
writes. But I thought The Catcher in the 
Rye was a major novel; it’s rather the 
innovation of a special narrative style 
that represents a breakthrough in that 
phase of Anglo-American literature, 
PLAYBOY: How do you rank Ken Kesey 
as a writer? 

BURGESS: I read Kesey's One Flew Over 
the Cuckoo's Nest when 1 was reviewing. 
1 suppose I helped introduce him to Eng 
land. І thought highly of that novel in 
1962. But I never thought it was worthy 
of having a cult built on it 


has 


second 


The young 
have seized on certain figures of madness, 
certain vaguely deranged figures, as rep- 
resenting possibly a sane culture—as if 
this that they're living in is sanity. One 
сап name various other books like this— 
let's say, the Hobbitt books of Tolkien. 
His characters are mad figures in a sense. 
PLAYBOY: What do you think of them? 

BURGESS: І think very highly of 
them. I thought very highly of Tolkien as 
a scholar. He was playin 
entitled to his g 
much the g 
most to him, 


don't 


a game: he was 
. But they were very 
nes of a philol 
and I think 
ought to think they owe most to him, for 
having produced, Professor Е, V. 
Gordon, that beautiful edition of Sir 
Gawain and the Green Knight. That was 
his real work 

But we were talking about the New 
Journalism. 1 can't take it very seriously. 
I don’t see where the break has occurred 
between the old and the new. If you 
mean the tendency of “mere” journal- 
ists—I put the word in quotes because 
I am a mere journalist in some ways my- 
elf—to make their journalism into books 
and to expect their books to be accepted 
opera, if this is the New 


with 


as major 


For 19 years, the 
Candlelight Lounge 
served Emerson Chipps 
Early Times. On October 28, 1972, he stopped 
by the Candlelight Lounge and ordered 

a bourbon and soda. Just as he has 

every Thursday evening 
since 1953. 

That night, for the 
first time, the bourbon 
they served him was 
not Early Times. 

Goodbye, Mr. Chipps. 


Times. 
To know us is to love us. 


Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whisky + 86 Proof + Early Times Distillery Co., Louisville, Ky. QETDC 1973 


75 


PLAYBOY 


like it very much 
PLAYBOY: Truman Capote seems to con 
sider himself the father of the New Jour 
nalism because of In Со 
BURGESS: I agree. I find Capote’s earlier 
work extre interesting and extreme 
ly beautifully written. Other Voices, Oth 
The € Harp. But there's 
1 ınventilated preciosity 
ibo hich I think is one of the 
spec the Southern genius: thi 
humidity. this enclosed, hermetic, inces 


tuous quality, i 


PLAYBOY: Do it has anything 
vo do with hom 

BURGESS; | suggest that it 
might. I'm very scared of saying it, but 
thi t in making a prose style o 


1 ig you find in a 


On the 


homosexual Socrates, Plato 
Forster, possibl 1 Shakespeare 
to m n't apply. In Gol 
Blood i ritten, rather over 
written at had no ob 


treats but 
e treatment, bu 


7 Capote's interest 
ct. I was worried about the 
г han about the book 

In any case, 1 wor ay that this book 

rothing compar ith Norman Mailer's 

The A N which is a very 

consic e work, i d 

PLAYBOY: Arc а Mailer fan 

BURGESS; I'm n Mailer fan, I reft 


» be a fan of his. Why should 1 be? I 


can't learn anything from Mailer, an 
more than he can learn anything from 
me: h wh But in that 1 
like ıt I've read all of Mail 
га m reading all of Mailer 
d re ах а very considerable 
figur es, 1 a fan. 
PLAYBOY: Isn't that contradictory? 


BURGESS: Well \ 


t deper 
it depends on what the 


term fan means, I always take a fan to 
mean so Чу who sits at the feet of ar 

other, making oblations, I don't do that 
but I think highly of Mailer's work 

PLAYBOY: Mailer thinks very highly of 
1, too. 


BURGESS: It 4 pit 
of journalism, if 
is far 


ibout that 


ou can call it 


h 1 mean the 


books 


journalism into achieve 


Mailer is 


ever 
ry much earlier tech 
20th Century 
of Daniel 


reality in th 


has dis 
Defoe 


form 


nique 


ither presenting 
of a nove he materi 
als of a m 
You can 

о. AJ 
sents 
The 


take your ch 


| га! 
mere collocation of th 


» make us think of 20th 


PLAYBOY: Wo 


modern-liter 
ing one 
BURGESS: 1 
covered 


PLAYBOY: Well 


Greene and Waug 
BURGESS: Wel 


14 you include 


John Dos Р. 1 1 al 
writer эт nobo pec 
le ) al fiction 
í ige. 1 У | 
tyle in А 1 is a paro 
velli í f Sinclair 
Lewi thms o 
Joye from Lewi 
You t novel 
п ( H 1 ‹ 
ром. Dick ' es with bi 
nerust i ke by 
t which I k 
ir B least 350 
m 1 1 T'I read it a 
reat pl One са! 
lespi тап en. I rec 
mmend Dos F to m ıtive-writ 
' 1 1001 from 
im i blems of cohe 
пн i 1 ld also 
teach Hemi But I 1а ich 
Scott Fitzger 
PLAYBOY: W 
BURGESS: Bec I think that Se 
rald, a villian 
tor iter, failed ' 
' iythms of Keats's verse 
t f onoma а. into hi 
pros 
PLAYBOY: Does th e anti 
Keat 
BURGESS: N 1 ins that Keats 
all right for 1800. t Fitzgerald 


novel but пој ıt one. Hemingway 
on th ıs а great prose ir 
jovator. 1 lized, and 1 
would certainly teach Hemingway very 
closely, indeed carly works especially 
I think Fitzgerald has been overrated 

PLAYBOY: What about Henry Miller 

BURGESS: Miller has had nothing to write 


it since 


Tropic books. He has 
bless him. It's a 
smoking and 

>a mar 
h, bec exual 


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г \ Ti cir n 
nce ‹ He 
i ' | i 
У І Swift i 
ШИ ‹ in 
i lani 
1 li i ; 
PLAYBOY: 5 
rink of k e Dylan 
Tho Br F 
BURGESS: 1) У ink 
\ i “ м 
0 H i л wie 
Bi mB i 1 gr i 
justice. Bel real iter at all 
PLAYBOY 1 
BURGESS: Yes, He was a mar put hi 
niversitti« per, But can 
bec litera 1d ir bı 
п k. 1 Brendan 
also a ma м у r t 1 
He g isha: 


PLAYBOY 


78 


him torture. He was fulfilled only in a 
pub. This was not true of Dylan. Dylan 
was not а great talker in pubs. He would 
sing a litle, but I always found him 
strangely taciturn, rather shy. 

Another aspect of Dylan's reputation 

was that he was said to be a great satyro- 
maniac who couldn't keep his hands off 
women and was very fond of sexual exer- 
cise. That's not true either. He was 
almost impotent, My first wife, who was 
Welsh, slept with him frequently—was by 
way of being his mistress, I discovered 
and she told me all he really wanted was 
to get into bed with a woman and be 
comforted by her, to feel her warmth and 
hold her tight. His sexual activities nor- 
mally took place in the bathroom; he 
was а great masturbator. I was amazed 
when I first came to America and I met 
а woman, a drunken faculty wife at a 
party, who said, 
as Dylan?” Obviously, she had no experi 
ence of Dylan screwing. 
PLAYBOY: Is masturbation a common re- 
lease for writers, to your knowledge? 
BURGESS: Yes, I think most artists find that 
when they're writing something, they be- 
come sexually excited. But it would be a 
waste of time to engage in a full-dress— 
or undress—sexual act with somebody at 
that moment. So they often go into the 
bathroom to masturbate. Thomas did this 
all the time. Quite a number of artists 
masturbate, then they write, Our sexual 
energy has been aroused, now we come, 
now we're able to concentrate on the 
other aspect of this energy, which is the 
creative aspect, In other words, the sexual 
act becomes a kind of irrelevance, and 
rather a n 

In my ом 


an you screw as good 


isance 
most creative period of 
writing, I had less sex than I'd ever had 
in my life before. During the four years 
when my first wife was very ill and the 
period I was writing things like Enderby 
and Tremor of Intent and the Shake- 
speare book—highly sexed books, inciden- 
tally, which may have a lot to do with 
sublimation—I was sort of acting a lot of 
sex out in the books. I have a very full sex- 
ual life now and I find I don't feel in- 
clined to write about it much, I I weren't 
living so full a sexual life, I would 
probably be cramming everything with 
sexual connotations, sexual symbols and 
sexual acts, When I read novels by young 
men or young women that are full of sex, 
I often feel the authors are probably 
quite frustrated. This, of course, 1 know 
to be а fact from the work I get from my 
students: horrifyingly hair-raising and 
generally nauseating fantasies of sex and 
violence, mostly from the women, which 
are not literature but are extremely dis- 
turbing, obviously derived from a period 
of frustration, 

PLAYBOY: Pornography, which is used to 
relieve sexual frustration, has never been 


more popular in America. How do you 
account for that? 

BURGESS: It's а very refined country, 
America, and it goes in for very sophisti- 
cated pleasures. The pleasure one derives 
from masturbation, abetted by certain 
pornographic im: can be far more 
keen than normal sexual intercourse, 
which is—to те, anyway—a matter of 
very great affection, of linking of bodies, 
clating and pleasurable but not essen- 
nic. It doesn’t lead one into an 
area of demons, that world of the dark 
gods. But I think that people want this 
other world occasionally and they get it 
best from masturbation and pornog 
raphy. So that it is as much a purgative 
as senna or rhubarb. It may also help 
defossilate a dying marital impulse. 
PLAYBOY: A great many marital impulses 
must be dying, if one can judge by the 
fact that close to 50 percent of our mar 
riages fail in Americ 
BURGESS: Let me be totally naïve and to- 
tally honest about this: I just do not un- 
dersand why marriage breaks down in 
America. It's quite exceptional in the 
Id. I'm an ordinary person— 
indeed, I'm more irritable and more way- 
ward than most, being a kind of artist 
but if I could manage to sustain marriage 
for 26 years with a person who wasn’t nec- 
essarily the best person for me in the 
world, I don't see why the hell other 
people can't, I would say th 
enter into a marriage, you're entering 
into а mode of life to which you are com 
mitted, and you must make up your mind 
about this when you start, I think mar 
riage ought to be made harder, if you like 
Obviously, people in America don’t think 
about what they're entering into. Or it 
may be the fact that the tradition of di 


whole we 


once you 


vorce is strong here because of your Puri- 
tan background, which made adultery, in 
some areas, a capital crime. You don't 
have mistresses, as Europeans do. Ameri- 
ca goes in for serial polygamy, or serial 
polyandry—wife following wife or hus- 
band followi husband, This is very 
much an American pattern. It stems from 
the desperate fear of fornication. 

But why Americans cannot get on to: 
gether, I'm damned if I understand. It's 
as though they don’t even comprehend 
what marriage is about. They seem to re- 
gard it as mainly being about sex, but it's 
not about sex at all. It's a matter of set- 
ting up the primal social unit, and this 
isn't just a matter of begetting children. 
It’s a matter rather of building up a kind 
of miniature civilization in which there's 
a culture, in which there are immense 
subtleties of language, immense subtl 
ties of communication. In some ways, this 
is what life is all about. If life is mainly 
concerned with communicating with oth- 
ers, then we have the most subtle, the 
most rarefied, the most varied kind of 
communication in the married state. And 


you've got to develop a marriage, over 
the years, in order for this civilization to 
develop. You can’t just marry for five 
years and then get out of it and start 


gain. It's a terrible waste of the whole 


communicative process. But I've seen the 
most admirable people living together 
and suddenly he decides to go off with 
some chick or other or she gets into bed 
with the milkman. This is no ground for 
divorce. I mean, if you fornicate quictly, 
it’s just something quite transient. It’s 
nothing to do with the major issue of 
which is about an immense 


marr 
complex intimacy with another person; 
sex is neither here nor there. 

PLAYBOY: Do you think that the cohabi 
tation of the young outside marriage— 
whether it's at a college or in а com 
mune—will help reduce the rate of 
marital breakdown, perhaps by giving 
them more understanding of the prob. 


lems of living together? 
BURGESS: They ought to know precisely 
what they're entering into when they do 
it. When 1 was young, we were more fur 
tive about sex, which gave spice to the 
whole business and promoted the sexual 
urge as fear. We weren't blasé about it; 
we were aware that there was something 
we had to look forward to, that there was 
a tremendous responsibility in living 
with somebody for a long time. And 1 
don’t think these kids have that. They're 
brought up in the American tradition, 
whereby you can get out any time you 
wish. I think that’s very bad; it promotes 
irresponsibility. 1 don't 1 
freedom, It distorts the discipline de- 
manded of creative urges. 

PLAYBOY: Do you think drugs—especially 
cid—impede or release those urges? 
BURGESS: Well, they don’t do me апу 
good, because as an artist, I'm much 
more concerned with passi 
than merely enjoying visions. 1 think 
LSD is a fairly selfish means of attaining 
some vision of ultimate reality. When I 
lived in the Far East, I took opium regu 
larly, as the Chinese took it, at the end of 
the day's work, in the cool of evening, 


too much 


g visions on 


and it was highly relaxing, promoted 
sleep. I found it extremely healthful. 
Whereas so many white men in the trop 
ics cracked up, fought, killed, committed 
suicide, 1 was always fairly calm. And 
when I'm in Tangier, I normally take 
some kif, but I don't find it does any 
thing for me. I think drugs are really for 
the mentally impoverished. What they 
can’t contrive through the normal con- 
scious processes, they contrive through 
an outside force over which they have 
no control. 

PLAYBOY: Have you ever been so far out 
of control that you sought outside help, 
such as analysis? 

BURGESS: No, nor ever will, Never. A 
close friend of min 


who's been under 


midnight 


lia paid: A 


PIPE TOBACCO LACED WITH AGED 


HEATHER HONEY LIQUOR 


PLAYBOY 


80 


heavy analysis for some time, even sug- 
gested to me that I might be a better writ- 
er if I underwent analysis. And I said, 
Why? It's my job not to be fully aware of 
the unconscious process. If I'm going to 
understand everything, if I'm going to be 
rid of various fixations, then I probably 
won't write at all, A very bright young 
girl said to me, “For Christ's sake, don’t 
get rid of your guilt, because that’s the 
source of your writing strength: once you 
cease to be guilty, then you won't write 
so well.” 1 would agree with that. But I 
have a lot of writing students who go to 
psychoanalysts because they're having 
difficulty in living with their wives or 
something, and when they're under anal- 
ysis, of course, they're not doing any writ- 
ing. The process of self-discovery that 
goes on in writing disappears and the 
business of another man's discovering 
what's going on in your mind takes 
its place. 

PLAYBOY: Why are Americans so possessed 
with psychoanalysis? 
BURGESS: Once you get a particular com- 
modity available, that commodity has to 
be purveyed, And if there we 
many expatriate Vie 
brought up in that very special Viennese 
bourgeois tradition of neurosis, hyster 
and so forth, coming over to Am 
and having to impose that pattern on 
America, 1 don't think America would be 
so concerned with analysis. 

PLAYBOY: But some of the things you've 
bout America’s sexual attitudes, 
example—would suggest that Ameri 
cans are, perhaps by tradition, more neu- 
rotic and uptight than most Europeans 
BURGESS: 1 think that the American 
myth has been a most dangerous one. It 
strikes me that from about the middle 
17th Century, America was a new Eden. 
It was the land where you could forget 
that you were born into original sin, and 
so you could make a fresh start, Here was 
Paradise, But things turn out to be just 
the same in Americ as anywhere else. So 
there is this huge disappointment. The 
point is that all of the disappointments 
of history spring out of the failure of 
the liberal idea to work, The discovery 
we were discussing carlier—that man is 
always unregenerate, always fallen— 
often manifests itself in rage and bitter 
ness, and in the kind of corruption and 
violence you find in America. In Europe, 
we aren't likely to be disappointed any- 
more. We know the worst, so we don't ex 
pect too much of man. But I think there 
is still a tendency in America, especially 
in the Midwest. for man to be regarded 
as some great beloved creature of God 
whose finest flower is in America, where 
he will find the just and the affluent soci- 
ety. In mythic terms, fallen man is given 
a chance to go back to Eden. The dis 
covery that that’s not true leads to 
frustration, often to violence, 


Р\АҮВОҮ: Is that why America has more 
assassinations, and attempted assassina- 
tions, than Europe does? 
nly has a great d 
1 it, I'm sure. If Eden 5s 
there's no place else to go, so they kill 
God, and God happens to be the Presi- 
dent. I think it goes deeper than tha 
though. The Americans who are mad 
and manic enough to try to kill political 
figures may be submerged voices of the 
subconscious recognition t there's 
something wrong with the Апи 
Constitution. Under it, your President is 
not quite a monarch, but nevertheless a 
possible despot who functions not under 
the glamorous guise of despotism but 
i the voice of plain-spoken democra- 
cy. It's just a theory, but I feel tl 
satisfaction with the Constitution itself 
has been manifested throughout Ameri 
can history. Very few people have been 
prepared to argue this rationally: the 
Constitution is me 
It's only the ma 
guns that seem willing to protest ag 
the various anomalies built into it. 
PLAYBOY: What would be your notion of 
the ideal government for America today? 
BURGESS: 1 wouldn't have a Presidency 
at all. I'd find some tottering monarch 
somewhere, or some bland, pretty one. 
Perhaps I'd rake Princess Grace of Mona- 
co and set her up as a nominal monarch. 
Then she would officially, technically ap: 
point a government and, of course, the 
party system as in England would come 
into being and you would have a prime 
minister who would be very subject to 
the will of the people and to the will of 
his own colleagues in, say, the House of 
Representatives, 1 think that would be a 
healthier system, The head of the Ехеси. 
tive should not be dirtied by polities. 
This is the great lesson of the limited 
narchy of England. which does work. 
Whatever people think about monarchy, 
it works in England. I hate the queen, be 
cause I think she’s anti-intellectual, some- 
what stupid and somewhat snobbish. But 
I like some members of the family. One 
knows Tony Armst 
Princess Margaret, one meets Anne and 
Charles, one meets the Earl of Hare 
wood because of his musical activities. 
One knows these people. If you go to a 
party given by Time-Life in London, it's 
“Hi ya. Tony. How is Maggie? She OK?" 
Tony says, “I'm sorry the missus couldn't 
come tonight. She's got a bit of a cold.” 
The queen keeps out of that pretty well, 
though. And this is good, this is sensible 
She is untouchable by scandal, for the 
most part, Your President certainly is 
not. This is the main difference 
I'd love to see America come back to 
the monarchical principle; if it did, the 
prophecy of George Bernard Shaw in his 
play The Apple Cart, which nobody 


a dis- 


е ог less sacrosanct. 


ic voices and the manic 


mg-Jones. One meets 


dares put on these days, might well be 
fulfilled. ‘This play is set in the future, 
which means the past, for it was written 
in 1930. It's about a King Magnus, a very 
stitutional monarch who presides 
abinet meetings, and so forth; but 
эзе of his personal charm and skill, 
he has far more power than the gov 
ment does. But the point is that in the 
second act, the Americ 
comes in and says that the Declara 
Independence has been canceled and 
America is coming back to the mother 
country, But “not poor, not hungry, not 
ragged, as of old, Oh, no, This time he 
returns bringing with him the riches of 
the earth to the ancestral home.” The 
king is appalled, for he realizes what this 
entails: It means the imperial govern 
ment moves to Washington and, in conse 
quence, England loses all power. It all 
goes over to America. 
PLAYBOY: Do you seriously 
thing like that could happe 
BURGESS: Not in our lifetime, but ро» 
sibly American constitutional legalists 
might see the value of a constitutional 
monarchy here—and it could well come 
out of a scandal rather like Watergate 
PLAYBOY: Speaking of Watergate, you 
must have some thoughts about American 
politics and the sorry state it’s in now 
BURGESS: I've по respect for politicians. 
1 think theyre all equally bad, and I've 
lived in various countries. In England, 
Nixon would ha 
Lambton and Jellicoe aut 
signed after the sex scandals, which are 
the kind we seem to have in Britain, But 


эп 


think any- 


ve Lo resign, just as Lords 


here. the notion of a President's resign 
ng would be as traumatic, 1 think, as the 
idea of an abdication in Europe. This is 
why, in some ways, one sympathizes with 
Nixon. One realizes how reluctant he 
must be to show the comparative impo: 
tence—or the comparative humanity—ol 
the Executive, the fact that the Executive 
is subject to popular feeling and to popu 
lar conviction. In Europe, there's the 
sense that there has to be some connec 
tion between the Executive and the legis 
lature. And this could only be through a 
representative of the Executive, like a 
prime minister 

PLAYBOY: Nixon claims to stay up until 
four o'clock in the morning reading the 
works of a famous Prime Minister, 
Disraeli. but docs he utter a word th 
would smack of that? 

BURGESS: Well, perhaps he has a sort of 
Readers Digest version of Disraeli’ 
novels, or docs he read the political 
speeches? One doesn't know. If he r 
the novels, there's a possibility he may be 
corrupted by a very fine spirit of bril 
liam and witty cynicism. They're the 
greatest political novels ever written. But 
possibly he’s not really capable of under 
standing those. 1 should imagine that he 


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82 


probably just has a book there and se 
himself as Disraeli. But nobody more un. 
like Disraeli than Nixon could concei 
ably be imagined. A man like Adlai 
Stevenson was far closer to Disraeli. OF 


course, he had to die. You wouldn't get a 
Disraeli cither in England or America 
now. Those days are over 
too honest, too witty, too brilliant. 
PLAYBOY: What are your own politi 
cal leanings, when you're at home in 
England? 

BURGESS: One's got to be agin the gov 
ernment, any government, because the 
people in it are bad people or else they 
wouldn't But polities is 
something that depends on tempera- 
ment, depends on circumstance. I am 
Catholic 
Гат also a 


Disraeli was 


have got in 


Tam, hence, very conservative. 
arian, in that my ancestors 


lived in small rural areas for a long, long 
time. And I've never had any 
therefore I've no sympathy for the capi 


money, 


talists, gly to socialism, 


But I object str 


because it becomes a totem of terrorism: 


it has to be that. So I suppose I end up as 
an anarchist. 1 feel the most sympathy 
for the Catalonians, the Basques, and so 
on, who believe that it’s possible to run a 


community without any government at 
all and even to build railways and fac 
a kind of nonpolitical 


that’s 


tories through 
cooperative system, I 
my ideal. 

I hate government. I believe politi 
cians are not only bad people but incom 
petent people. T think if they had any 
talent, they wouldn't be politicians, but 
rtists, preachers or t And so I 
end up with the ultimate conservatism, 
which is to leave me 
sible and let them carry on as they will. 
In the wider historical sense, 1 believe 
things were best in the Midd 
when everybody was Catholic, when no 
body worried very much about political 
parties, when one got on with the job 
nd regarded the whole business of rule 


suppose 


chers. 


ilone as far as pos 


Ages, 


as something left to those who weren't 
fitted for anything else. 

PLAYBOY: Many of 
your gree with you, Have you 


America's dissident 


seem to 


studied radical politics in America? 
BURGESS: 
knows what radical politics is, because 


Nobody in America really 
nobody has suffered enough in America 
What radicalism you had died in the late 


Sixties, because it had no roots to flour 


ish in, probably through the grace of 
God. When we talk about poverty in 
America, we don't mean anything like 


the poverty in Inc 
ern Italy or even poverty in Northern 


or poverty in south- 


Ireland. Nobody knows what poverty is 


in Ameri They've no idea. The stand- 


erica аге so high—and С 
this—that a 


ards in Ап 


bless America for person 


without a refrigerator is regarded as a 


specimen of suffering humanity. Radical 
politics has to do with people who are 
cating the vomit of dogs, which you'll 
find in Calut Haiti. America 
can't know that, and it is very much to 
America’s credit that it can’t, because it 


has already achieved a society so remark 
ably affluent that, although some people 
seem to be starving, they're really not in 
the sense that an Indian is starving. Or 
even in the sense that a Calabrian Italian 


is starving 
You can't 
about radical 
through the 


possibly know anything 

politics. If you walk 
streets in Calcutta, you 
begin to learn all there is to know about 
the nature of humanity, Tony Randall, 
a very intelligent man, 


ed 


а good actor an 
am on which I 


said on a prog 


with him that he 


ves to India fr 
to refresh his view of what hun 


He says when he walks through Calcutta 
he г penny 
to anybody, because he will be killed or 


alizes that he dare not give 


the person to whom he gives the penny 
will be killed. He daren't give a piece of 
bread to anybody, because the bread will 
be forced out of that person's mouth; the 
mouth will be torn apart: other people 
will be killed in the process of fighting 
for that little piece of bread; and nobody 
will get anything. “Compassion is а lux 
ury of the affluent," he said, and how 
true that is, Only in this fat 


society, 


where nobody is really магу can 
people talk about compassion 
PLAYBOY: You've had good t and 


bad things to say about America, As а 
tansplanted Englishman now spending 
pod deal of your time here, do you feel 
home in this country—or do you ге 
main something of a disaffected alien? 

BURGESS: I'm an Englishman; I have no 
America at all, except that I 
have an actual bond with America be 
common culture. Very 
importantly, we share a common lan- 


place in 


cause we share a 


guage, which I think has reached its 
finest flower in this country—not in 
England but here—and I feel a certain 


resentment when I meet Sicilians, Ital 
is, Gi Greeks or Poles in Wis 
consin and find that they don't regard 
this culture as their native culture, T feel 
that this republic was set up as a culture 
English ideas of justice 
and the English lang a literature 
made out of English literature. I feel un 
nably resentful when I find these 
foreigners here making claims for their 
own languages and cultures. 

PLAYBOY: How do you relate to the blacks’ 
insistence on a black culture in Americ 
BURGESS: Well, I've found that black men 
in America, for the most part, are not 
quite as suspicious of me as they are of 
their fellow Americans, although they 
should be. There's a curious sympathy 
between American blacks and English- 


mans, 


devoted to the 


nen that lies in the fact that they speak in 
the same way. The typical black voice is 
not an It’s not a Mid 
western voice or а Brooklyn voice or а 


American voice 


Bronx voice; it’s very much more like an 
English voice. The Ex 
nd blacks, ‹ speak in 
precisely the same way. Of course, it’s not 
a black lingo at all 


lishmen say fatha 


motha: course 


it's Southern lingo. 


The “rrr,” as in father or mother, which 
you get in the North. derives straight 
from 1620's mode of speech: whereas the 


Southern states. for the most part. devel 
oped in the late 17th and early 18th 
centuries. And some of the 
the later development of English are re 
tained in Southern speech 

As for developir 


features of 


heir own black cul 


ture, I've often wondered why American 
blacks want to learn Swahili. 
their language at all 
guage from the east coast of Africa, with 
a strong Islamic-Arabic element in it; but 
the American black is a west-coast black 
almost entirely 


That's not 
Swahili is а lan 


His language is a lan 
guage of the west coast—Ibo, which no 
body is willing to learn. The American 
black is a very special kind of black who is 
extremely artistic. Jazz and other forms of 
black arts are really west-coast arts. You 
wouldn't find them on the east coast 
you wouldn't find them in Central Afri 
ca or even in South Africa, And this part 
ly explains the quality that bl 


ks ought 
ity that 
made them slaves in the first place and 


to think about sometime, the qua 


the quality that makes them aggressive 
now. The natural 
reaction to а long period of slavery. It's 
something purely temperamental and al 
lied to this artistic impulse. The wh 
man was responsible for slavery, but be 
tween the white man and the slave was 
the black slave trader, the tribal chief 
who was black and who had as many bad 
qualities in h 

МЇ I'm st 
look a little more ser 


ression is not a 


pas the white man. 


gesting is that one о! 


ht to 
usly at what is 


meant by negritude and to consider that 
the particular kind of 
black Americans represent may not be 
representative of the whole of Africa but 

ily a very 
ment of Africa 
belong to an effete race 


negritude that 


small, rather unusual se 


Englishmen, though they 
1 are an effete 
nation. have had a lot to do with Africa 
far more than America has. And, of 


shmen 


course, En those 


were among 
le. But this 


black-oppression business gets in the way 


who pioneered the slave t 


of other modes of oppression. It’s driving 
out of our sights the 
ainst the Jews, and also the 
oppression of various forms of white ma 


I feel that I myself, as a northern E 


long history of 


oppression 


glish 
Catholic, have been oppressed for many 
s. My a 
ctual state execution for refusing 
nd after that, they 


centu threatened 
with 


to become Protestant, 


ıcestors were 


STILLEC 


FROM GI 


The Sunstroke. 


(Sometimes less is more.) 


For a long time we clung 
to the notion that longer days 
called for longer drinks. That 
any suggestion we made for 
summer ought to be served 
ina tall glass. The neatness 
of that logic, we now realize, #9 To make a Sunstroke, 
blinded us to its flaws. pour 1% oz. Smirnoff and 3 ог. 

What matters, obviously, is grapefruit juice into a short 
not how long a drink is, but glass with ice. Add alittle 
how good. So before you pack Triple Sec or sugar and stir. 
all your stubby little glasses in ~ 
mothballs, you might want to 
trya Sunstroke 


эт то 
leaves you breathless® 


PLAYBOY 


were unable to become members of the 
total national culture because of edu 
cational and job discrimination that still 
goes on 

PLAYBOY: Do you tend for that reason to 
identify with minority cultures? 

BURGESS: I do tend to identify with cer 


tain minorities such as the Boston Irish 


because of the Irish clement in me; my 


ndmother was Irish, And with all 


tholics, whether they happen to be 
rto Rican or Bavarian, I find a kind 
of m 


fication. My 


tiple allegiance, a multiple identi 
people are the poor and 


downtrodden, the drunk, the fat-bellied 


rlicsmelling, the Catholic and 
the sentimental. But ultimately, I always 
go back to the Jeffersonian ideal, which 
is based on English culture. I feel that 


the prose of the Declaration of Inde 


pendence is the m cautiful, the most 
inspiring, the very perfection of the En 


lish language. 1 


ink they did the 


wrong thing in many ways, They should 

ive waited a little longer 

PLAYBOY: For wh 

BURGESS: Ge e Third to die. Т 

think it's a great, great shame that the 

English-speaking world is divided like 

this, The particular mode of neoabsol 

i hat George Third proclaimed 
ild 1 ied with him, and there 
ild have beer more reasona 
attitud ird the Colonies on the 

1 ws. Then never 


much tr \merica. 1 don't think 
is f culture is really fitted for 
publicanism, The American re 
а limit marchy people, not tl 
reat mad republican: et down in 
Sout ica ог in Spai for that 
n Italy. If Canada car with 
at Australia and New Zea 
land, t nd have less trouble than 
America i thi of a genu 
ine united cult ve done a 


other English 


1 war to happer 


000 years: being ab: Con 


leon's great attempt England 
into H ope has at last succeeded 1 
мей out in the epilog to Napoleon 
Sym pl But this is not what we 
ted. We should be looking farther 
west. We always / ked west 
PLAYBOY: So despi America’s faults 
he lenc tion, her puritan 
n lution like to see her 


BURGESS: Yes. One talks about the bad 
ness of America. But at least America is 
full of understanding. The rivers are pol 
luted, the air is polluted, but man knows 
this in America, and although he doesn’t 
do a great deal about it, at least he's 


aware, and awareness of the process is the 


people 


about it 


í wisdom. In Italy 


to kno! 


don't see anything 


The whole of Ravenna, which is a beau 


tiful city, is cloaked in industrial smog 


Nobody gives a damn; nobody cares 


about the mindless noise in R 
PLAYBOY: Does it 


some, that Europe is becoming Ameri 


distress you, as it does 


canized in a processed, plastic, pop sort 
of way? 

BURGESS: Well, I think the whole world 
has become Americanized. But it's not 


necessarily а thing to go into a res 


аша and find а refrigerator there 
find you can get ice in your gin and 
ic. For ears in England—and 


1 know the 


1 brought up 
ter, played piano 
ice in the 


lager. Well, it's 


1 ing to have no ice, and if 
America s bi t onl ice to the 
vor 1 nk t 1 excellent thing, 
And 1 nything against a cold 
Coca-Cola; it’s t у of begin 
ni П d ni drinkir 
I've lived i Far E d Coca-Cola 
i Ма in 
Ara i qui › 
bad. 1 ion we object 
to. It im € Me great anon 
' cart i ntity 
{ the Holiday 1 ' mada 
Inns. If only the m 
Ives. If Holiday 1 
ik all H ун 
ign ‹ ' ү 
Admir it « 
PLAYBOY: Ni ‹ ти ing about 
evolving fron pe t ıuman to 
Nietschean i 
Have i echnician 
BURGESS: (| s 1 k there's no 
doubt about that. I think 
Sieg tri ideal 1 Ni ‹ 


boards. Cartoons like Superman, Ba 
and ¢ n Marvel had to or 


America ng that Superman 


ginate in 


5 intere 


was inve Lenny 


1 by a couple of Jew 


Bruce was foolis 1 


en he leapec 


а third-floor wine and said, “1 
me. I'm Super-Jev 


because Superman alre 


It wasn’t a very clev 


ег joke 


Super-Jew. He was a creation 


10 are in many ways the conscience of 


America, its imagination. 
PLAYBOY: You mentionec 
nauts. Do yo! 
of thi 
humar 
BURGESS: No. I do think 


of space is one of the 


superas 


part 


Janets. I thi 
i i t and т 
thir An 
T i 
he vari П 
ichic 
hat i 
imagi 
сап | 


fict 1 
j 1 € 
PLAYBOY: A r 5 ' 
BURGESS: Еҳас 0 t old 
umbrel f B 
Europ 
fi ( 
1 1 is in 
The N 1 
PLAYBOY: 1 nd 
ing in A ¢ 0 
f D r 
1 1 ' fu 
io 1 
can all in 
the orig í k 
ill, Orwell 
0 g І иһ 


Win: 


CRUSH 


PROOR 


FULL: RICH 


ТОВАСС 


ау о. 


2 


е 


4 


tastes good like a cigarette should. 


s Dangerous 


General Has Determined 


0 Your Health. 


1.3 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette, 


FTC Report MAR. 74. 


86 


retes, and all he’s done in the book 
t the left-wing intelligentsia, the 
lers of New Statesman and The 
Nation, to realize their fantasy of impos- 


ing their will on the proletariat and 
perpetuating a kind of tyrannical, essen 
tially intellectual socialism. So it was a 
satirical study of the present 

Clockwork Orange is a satirical study 
of life as it was in 1960, when the tone of 
postwar England was socialistic, collectiv 
ist, and I was really trying to satirize that 
sort of world in which people had noth: 
ing to live for, had no energy—except for 
the young. who could do nothing with 
their energy but employ it to totally bar 
barous ends, I was really writing about 
the present. The then present. The now 
past, The future is alveady in the past, In 
Clockwork Orange, 


ind теп on the moon, Of course, these 


I had world telecasts 


things have come true; but there's noth 


ing in the book that wasn't already pres 


ent in the techn y of the early Sixties, 


except for the use of a composite dialect 
called Nadsat 

Of co 
details right. In The 
study of the 


se, one doesn't always get the 
Wanting Seed, a 
population explosion that 
1 Clockwork 
Orange, 1 created a future in which 


1 wrote the same year as 


people say the Mass in Latin, and Eng 
land still hasn't got a decimal coinage 
You could say that was false prophecy 
But I wasn’t intending to prophesy. How 
ever, I also described an overpopulated 
world in which, because there isn't 
enough to eat, people have to start eating 
each other. And this was prophecy. But 
everybody thought it was a kind of Swift 
ian satire, like A Modest Proposal, in 
which Swift suggested that the surplus 
children of Ireland who couldn't be fed 
should be eaten by the English. 1 would 
merely ask people who worry about the 
lack of food in the world what they have 
against. cannibalism 
undoubtedly, but presumably war is not 


wrong 


Murder is wrong, 


at least some wars, such as the one 
that rid us of Hitler, have been neces- 
sary—surgical, as if to remove a disease 

Anyway, in my novel I present artifi 
cial wars in which the corpses are imme- 
diately taken over by some prc 


organization that turns them into food 


sing 


I think this is going to happen eventual 
ly. Indeed, in а science-fiction film called 
Soylent 
We're so used to eating anonymous food 


Green, it's already happened 


from the supermarkets—I've eaten pud 
dings that contained, as far as I could 
tell, no natural element whatsoever. You 
don't really know what the hell you're 
eating anymore. So what may well hap 
pen is that in supermarkets there will be 
cans of processed human flesh mixed up 
with sodium nitrates and monosodium 
glutamate and God knows what else 


And we will eat it, and it will nourish 


us, and a great problem will be solved 
PLAYBOY: Do you expect us to swallow 
that? 

BURGESS: I'm 
thing 


tfraid so. It’s the only 
in any of my fiction that I think 


might possibly come true—and will prob 


ably have to come true. Our reluctance 


to eat human flesh is parallel to the 
Hindu reluctance to eat any kind of ani 
mal flesh, We have to get over it sooner 


or later if we're gi to survive 


And so 


long as we have genuine cannibalism, we 


may have a return to Catholic Christian 
ity with its sacrificial elements. We may 
have a unified Church again. There's no 
doubt that the Church is in a mess at the 
moment. It doesn't know where to turn 
has no authority, doesn't know what it 
Pope John, The 


fact that we've left a noble language and 


a noble liturgy behind for the sake of the 


believes, | blame th 


vernacular is 


eat sin, in my opinion 


Pope Jolin was obviously a good priest to 


have in а Communist town like Milan, 
but he wasn’t for that reason qualified to 
be a Pope. A Pope should be intellectual 


PLAYBOY: But John had panache 
BURGESS: Pope John had 


which very few Popes have had. Probably 


panache 


the Borgias were the last people to have 
it. I'm writing a novel now, based rough 


ly, I suppose, on the character of Pope 


John, It's about an investigation pre 
paratory to canonization—as, of course 
they're trying to canonize Pope John 


now. The question to be resolved in the 
novel is whether a particular occurrence 
was a simple coincidence, a divine mir 


acle or a diabolical miracle: whether this 


great and good Pope was really diaboli 


cally inspired. 1 believe John was 


undoubtedly a good man; you dug him, 


t 


but you dug him becuse he was a gr 
human vulgarian. You dug him as you'd 
dig some great baseball player. Now his 
successor, this man who has not very 
eal of intellect 
is striving with great difficulty to build 


much heart but a good 


on the ruins 
PLAYBOY: We were talking of the future— 
not just of the Church but of the world. 
Are you optimistic or pessimistic about 
our chances? 

BURGESS: 
future 


ut the 
ingen 
ious that he will find solutions to his 
problems. We may even have a pretty 


I'm not too gloomy al 


because I think man is жс 


good time, 
PLAYBOY: You don't 
ourselves up? 

BURGESS: I think we've gone past that, I 
think it might have happened in the 
Forties or the early Fifties, but it hasn't 
happened yet and I don’t think it's ge 
to. I think man is going to survive. He 
will have to worry most about overpopu 


think we'll blow 


ng 


lation and about overcentralization of 


government. But there are solutions to 


these problems and I think we're going 


to find them. On the other hand, I don't 
want to live too long. I merely want to 
pass out when the time comes and leave 
it to others 

PLAYBOY: You don’t fear dea then 
BURGESS: long like a gas 
bill one can't pay, and that’s all one can 


Death comes 


say aboı 


I desperately believe in free 
will. But I know I'm predestined to dic 
I don't 


I'm not really seared, however 


write out of fear. I write out of a stro: 


urge to meet death on its own eternal 


terms, because the fact is that if you can 
write as little as а page of prose—even 
bad prose—that is eternal 


PLAYBOY: Do you have 
after death? 

BURGESS: No, I do not 
very strongly in hell and even in purg 
Although 
find it hard to be 


апу vision of life 


I used to believe 


gato 


ry, in limbo, well as heaven 
1 think m 


lieve in heaven but have 


peopl 
no difficulty 


believing in hell, which is a fair commen. 


tary on the kind of lives we live 
PLAYBOY: You believe, then, that when 
you die it’s just all over 

BURGESS: Yes, 1 think it's probably truc 


that when this body dies, when this brain 


is no longer fed with blood, then the 
mind goes with it. And when I go, I don't 
want to be cremated. I want to give some 
of my phosphates back to the earth 


That's my ultimate am 
PLAYBOY: Have you given 
your epitaph 
BURGESS: I've 
particular epitaph that may or may not 


tion 


ny thought to 
always been in love with a 


be appropriate, but I'm determined to 


have it, You'll find it in the pseudo 
Homeric poems, fragments of Greek po 
n Ode to P 


gods have made neither a с 


Him the 


etry includir 


nor a 


plowman, nor otherwise wise in ought 
for he failed in every art.” 

PLAYBOY: But you haven't 

BURGESS: Yes, I have 


cause it's true. We 


It's humble be 
do fail if we attempt 
art. We're happier if we can do things 
like 


our hands to the ground, reaching Wal 


and plowing, just putting 


den Pond. You can do that successfully 


because you kave nature's help. But all 


rtists fail 
PLAYBOY 

which to end. 
BURGESS: The 


loves life regardless of its sadness, per 


That’s rather a sad note on 
sadness is in life, One 


haps because of it. It’s summed up in a 
line by Virgil: “Sunt lacrimae rerum; et 


mentem mortalia tangunt.” “There are 


апа all things doomed to 
What one 


tears in things, 


die touch the heart loves 


about Ше are the things that fade. It’s a 


egretful, re 


sense of things passin 
gretful—of things being beautiful and 


yet mortal, that makes life worth living 


WHAT SORT OF MAN READS PLAYBOY? 


А man who knows exactly what he’s after and where he'll find it. A free weekend is likely to find 
him on a fishing cruise with delightful companions. But whether he’s exploring new waters or specu- 
lating in stocks, he relies on expertise, not luck. And for his direction he looks to PLAYBOY. Fact: 
Of all men 18—34 who visited the Caribbean, Bermuda or Bahamas last year, 55% read PLAYBOY. 
To land a bigger share of this market, bait your hook with PLAYBOY. (Source: 1973 TGI.) 


n Francisco + Atlanta + London + Tokyo 


Detroit . Los Angeles + 


New York + Chicago + 


JAZZING 
IN A-FLAT 


fiction By EVAN HUNTER 


it was out of sight, that twelve- 
bar solo iggie played on susan 


BACK IN 1937, Susan Koenig had gently 
patted my hand and told me my Moon- 
light Sonata was the most beautiful 
thing she'd heard in her life. In Decem- 
ber of 1943, we were both 17 years old 
and I was itching to get into her pants 
(or anybody's, for that matter). I had 
no real idea what she looked like, but 
I had formed some tactile, olfactory and 
auditory impressions—I had touched 
her a little, smelled her a lot and hardly 
listened to her at all. 

Every Friday afternoon, Santa Lu- 
cia’s held a social for its juniors and 
seniors, and I had been dogging Susan's 
tracks for the better part of a year, 
seeking her out in the school gymna- 
sium while the record player oozed 
Harry James's I Had the Craziest 
Dream, Dinah Shore's You'd Be So Nice 
to Come Home То or Freddy Martin's 
I Look at Heaven, a popularization of 
the Grieg concerto upon which I'd 
worked so long and hard. I was working 
equally long and hard on Susan, who— 
unless my senses were sending absolutely 
haywire messages to my brain—looked 
something like this: 

1. She was approximately 5/4” tall, I 
reckoned this by subtracting six inches 
from my own height, because, according 
to my Braille ruler, that half foot was 
the distance between the top of my head 
and the tip of my nose. The top of Su- 
san’s head came to just under my nose. 
Subtracting six inches from my own 
height, which was 5/10” in 1943, I got a 
girl who measured 5/4”. 

2. Her eyes were brown. She told me 
this. She wore shades all the time, So 
did I. 

3. She wore her hair very long, almost 


ILLUSTRATION BY ARSEN ROJE 


PLAYBOY 


90 


to the middle of her back. It would brush 
the top of my hand as we danced. The 
style was unusual for 1943, when girls 
were wearing shoulder-length pageboys 
with or without high pompadours. But 
Susan later told me it was simpler and 
blind girl to wear it long 


neater lor 


and мга 


1. Her brassiere size was 36C. I pressed 
against her chest a lot and based my esti 


mate on empirical knowledge, having 


handled many such garments in my Aunt 


intimately involved with Michelle's bras 
during the I3-month period of her ex- 
traordinary growth. Michelle's bra size, 
when she moved away in 1941, was 
D 

5. The top of Su 
Ivory soap. Her ear lobes smelled of 
Worth’s Je Reviens. She later identified 
this brand name for me while my nose 


's head smelled of 


was nestled between her naked breasts, 
where she also dabbed a bit of that in 
toxicati 


g scent 

6. Her voice, angelic back there in 
1987, when she'd praised me for my per 
formance, had lowered in pitch to a G 
below middle С, was somewhat husky, 
always breathless, even when she wasn't 
whispering in my car as we endlessly 


circled tha ип floor and tried to 


mnasi 


avoid collisic 
Did you know that blind people can 
detect the presence of an object by the 


15. 


echoes or warmth it gives off, and even 


by ch; 


ges it causes in the air pressure 
which are felt on the face? A litle 
known fact, but scientifically authenti 
cated. 1 once detected the presence of a 
short, fat lady standing on the corner of 
White Plains Road and 217th Street 
ind asked her if the approaching trolley 
went to Fordham Road, When she did 
not reply, 1 asked the question again 
and discovered 1 was talking to a mail 
box. The mailbox did not answer me. 
But then again, neither did it answer 
the Martians when they insisted it take 
them to its leader. Which reminds me 
of what Django Reinhardt, the gypsy 
itarist, said when he first came to 


jazz 
America, in 1946: Take me to Dizzy,” 
Susan Koenig made me dizzy 
We did not talk very much as we 
danced our way around the world, pre 
ferring to sniff each other and rub 
h other and derive whatever 


against € 


small erotic pleasures we could while the 
eagle-eyed nuns watched our every fum 
bling move. But in our brief, breathless 
conversations over the course of count 
less Fridays spent in that room linger 
ingly reeking of dirty socks and Jockey 
shorts, 1 learned that Susan's father 
had been born in Munich and that 
he'd gone back there in the fall of 1934 
because he wanted to be in on the big 
resurrection Mr, Hider was promising 
Mrs. Koenig, an Irish-American lady 


born and raised in Brooklyn, chose not 
to accompany her brownshirted mate on 


his return to the fatherland, and so the 
two were separated when Susan was 
eight and her older brother was ten. Her 
parents were legally divorced in 1938, by 
which time Herr Koenig was probably 


smashing the plateglass windows of Jew 
ish merchants Good riddance to him!" 
Susan said. She had no idea where he 
was now and no desire to find out. Her 
fear, before her brother was drafted, 
was that he 


ght be sent to Europe 
where he would meet his own father on 
a battlefield and put a bullet between 
his eyes. Not that she cared about her fa 
ther. But suppose the reverse happened 
The thought had been too dreadful to 
contemplate and she'd been enormously 


relieved when her brother was sent to 


the Pacific, even though she was terribly 
afraid of all the awful things the Japs 
did, like buryit 


necks in anthills and then coverin; 


prisoners up to their 
their 
faces with honey and letting the ants 


cat them to death—urggl, it was disgust 
ing. She could not wait for her brother 
to g 

had such good times together 


t home from the war. They had 


The thing that interested me most 
aphical meander 
as we meandered the length of the 


about Susan's autobi 


mnasium and back again in time to El 
lington’s Don't Get Around Much 
Anymore (which I'd heard on one of my 
brother's Duke records as Never No La 


ment, before lyrics were added to it) was 


the incidental information they provided 
on her mother’s occupation and hours of 
employment. Her mother had never re 
married and she now worked as a sales 
lady at Macy's downtown, Normally, she 
worked only five days а week, Monday 


to Friday, from 9:30 л.м. to 5:30 Past, 
except оп Thursdays, when the store was 
open till nine р.м. But TÌ 


come and gone and the 


nksgiving had 
al Christ 
mas rush was on, despite the fact that a 


War was raging in Europe and the Pacif- 
ic, and her mother had been asked to 
work a full day on Saturdays as well 


until the holidays were over. Counting 


off a steady four/four beat, shuflling 


around the gym floor, sniffing in Susan's 


Je Reviens and pressing against her as 
I knew how, 1 made а light 
n: On Saturdays, her fa 


discreetly 


ning calcul 


ther was in Germany, her mother was 
in Macys and her brother was on a 
censored atoll. This meant that Susan 
partment 
any Saturday I decided to drop by to dis 


would be alone in the Koeni; 


cuss jazz and the weather while inadvert 
ently and accidentally taking off her 
pants, This was a discovery of no small 
7-year-old blind boy 
ally si 


of my age were being granted licenses to 


importance to а 


For, whereas nor ted youngsters 


drive in 1943, and thereby had access to 
mobile bedrooms, we underprivileged 
blind adolescents. possessed of the same 
overriding sex drives, could find по ap 
propriate spaces for the unleashing of 
those furious urges, it being December 


1 quite cold in Bronx Park, where, if 
you took down a girl's drawers, she mi 


suffer frostbite rather than defloration. 
Two weeks after the Friday 
which I'd learned that Susin was alone 


ance at 


in the apariment virtually all day every 
Saturda 1 found my way to White 
Plains Ro: and asked a mailbox wheth 
er the approaching trolley went all the 


way to Mount Vernon or stopped at the 
Bronx border, as many of them did 
Susan lived just 
The mailbox turned out to be a short, fat 


block over the city line 


lady who told me it did, indeed, go all 


the way, Determined to do the same, 1 


hopped onto the trolley and rode it up 
town, and then walked down the short 
street to Susan's block and found Susan's 
address with a little help from a kindly 


neighborhood yenta who led me into the 


lobby of the building, and summoned 
the elevator for me, and told me it was 
the fourth floor, and wanted to know il 
she should come up with me and show 
me the exact door, litle did she know 
what was on the mind of the Mad Blind 
Rapist, Ignazio Silvio Di Palermo! 


Who is it Susan asked when I 
knocked on the door 

Me," 1 

“Iggie? asked, recognizing my 


voice at once 
It was exactly 12 noon. 


1 lost my virginity an hour later 


I started by telling Susan 1 just hap: 
pened to be in the neighborhood and 


thought I'd drop in. This was an outra 


geous lie that might have been swallowed 


had Susan herself not been blind. Being 
blind, she knew that none of us just haf 
We t 


and normally 


pened to be an k ourselves 


where we wanted to 


We prepared ourselves in advance with 
detailed mental maps of the exact trans 


portation systems we would use, and the 


exact number of streets we would trav 


erse alter we off a trolley, train or 


bus, and the exact number of doorways 


to the dentist’s or the ver's. (Ас 


tually, we could s the fish store and 


didn't have to count doorways.) 


But she let the lie раз, which I 


thought was an encouraging sign, and 


she told me she was delighted I'd 
dropped in. or stopped by, or whatever it 
Was she said, becuse she found it terribly 


lonely sitting h 


e all alone in the apart 


ment from cight in the morning, when 


her mother lelt, to sometimes 


ne or ten 


at night, when her mother got home, It 
was so cold this month that she hardly 
went outdoors anymore, and just sitting 


here listening to the radio or reading 


aille got terribly bori 


though now 


that her brother was gone and there was 


no one to help her with the selection of 
her clothes, she had begun occupying 


herself by markir 


vem according to 


color and style little French knots 


on the red dresses and sweaters, or cross- 


stitches on the blue ones, or a single bead 


“I'm not worried about the fuel thing. Hell, I haven't taken 
the old tub out in 15 years!” 


91 


PLAYBOY 


92 


тееп skirt, where it wouldn't 
show when she was wearing it, and hang. 
ing color-coordinated belts with their 
proper skirts, and making litle Braille 
drawers containing different 
Jes of nylon stockings or different-col 
огей panties and brassieres. I cleared my 
throat at the very mention of these un 
mentionables and said that I myself paid 
little attention to my appe: 
times going to school wearing different 
colored socks, or a green tie with a blue 


sewn into a 


labels for 
sha 


rance, some- 


suit, or black shoes with tan trousers. My 
mother kept telling me I looked like 
Сохеуѕ Army, whatever that was. Susan 


giggled. She didn’t know what Coxey's 
Army was, either, but it sounded very 


funny. She told me it was different for a 
girl, a girl had to look attractive even if 
she was blind, and I told her 7 thought 
she looked very attractive, and she said, 
Why, thank you, Iggie. 

Blind people, if you haven't realized it 
by now, accept the words see and look 
without any feelings of self-consciousness 


or embarrassment, except when some 
well-meaning dope says, “Just look at 
that rain, will you?” and then imme 


diately and fumblingly adds, “Oh, for 
give me, please, 1 should have realized 
you can't... I mean, I know I shouldn't 
have that is, I meant . , .” as if we 
hadn't heard the rain and smelled the 
sudden scent of dust riddled on a sum 


mer street, as if we hadn't seen the god 
damn rain. Susan said if I were truly 
serious about becoming a jazz piano 


player (and I assured her I was), well, 


then, wouldn't that mean I'd have to 


perform before audiences? Sighted audi 


ences? So maybe I should begin paying 
a little attention to the way I dressed, 
because whereas a suit with an egg stain 
on it didn't mean very much to us, it did 
offend people who could see and evoked 
the sort of pity none of us encoura 
4 all of us resented. 

I told her maybe she was right, and 


ged 


since Susan had provided the perfect op 
portunity for further conversation, ha 
ing mentioned jazz, I told her about all 
the exciting discoveries I'd been making, 
all of which I'm sure thrilled her to the 
marrow. I had figured out all by myself, 
aple, that a great many of the 
songs I was listening to and trying to 
learn had the sequence of 


for e 


identic 
chords in the first two bars and that the 
progression, in the key of C, at least, was 


© six, A minor, D minor and G seven 


gnize these as 
the underlying chords of We Want Сап 
tor—if she tried it, she'd see what I 
Susan tried We Want Cantor in 
her husky, breathless voice and admitted 
never realized such an amazing 
thing about that particular tune. Well, 
it's not only that tune, I said. Songs like 
1 Got Rhythm and These Foolish Things 
(Oh, I love that song, Susan said), yes, 1 
said, and Blue Moon and dozens of other 


Susan would probably rec 


meant 


she'd 


songs I'd been learn 


g all started with 
those same chords in the first two bars. 

That's really 
would you like to see how I've arranged 
my things? 

She led me into her bedroom and told 
me that because all her bobby sox were 
white, she had them all in this drawer 
here, but when it came to nylons, they 
were difficult to tell apart because there 
were her best ngs, for example, 
which she wore to the socials on Friday, 
and her everyday stockings for less spe 
cial occasions, like when somebody was 
coming to the house to visit, and also 
they different shades 
(though she tried to buy neutral shades 
that went with any color) and she usual 
ly identified the pairs by tying them to 
gether after she'd rinsed them out and let 
them dry and immediately putting them 
into drawers marked with Braille labels 
here, Iggie, these are my good stockings, 


interesting, Susan said, 


stock: 


came in so many 


feel them, they're much better than the 


ones in the other drawer 

When it came to garter belts, she had 
only two of white one and a 
black one, and she identified the white 
one with a tiny button sewn here near 
the catch, can you feel it, Iggie? The 
brassieres were another problem, because 
if she wore a dark brassiere under a white 
blouse, it showed through the fabric, and 
if she wore a white brassiere with a black 
dress, say, and one of the straps showed, 
it looked positively horrible 
had any trouble with her clothes when 
home, he'd 
helped her choose colors and styles and 


them, a 


She'd never 


her brother was because 
was kind enough and honest enough to 
tell her when something looked dowdy or 
shabby. Well, as a matter of fact, he'd 
begun helping her dress when she was 


seven years old and her father left the 


family and her mother had to take a job 
and left for work morning. 
Here's one of my drawers for panties, she 


carly each 


said. These are my favorite ones, they're 


blue with lace around the leg 


can you feel the lace, Igg 
rayon, 1 don’t usually wear 


rayon panties for everyday, I've got 
drawer full of cotton panties, those are 
for е: 


here, Iggie. Like ample, when I'm 
just wearing an old skirt and a blouse 
like today, I'll just wear а halfslip and 
cotton panties under it, that’s what I'm 
wearing today. My brother used to kid 
me a lot about wearing cotton panties, he 
said only snot-nosed little kids wore cot 
ton panties, if I was as grownup as I 
thought 1 was, I'd be wearing rayon, he 
always used to kid me that way. Well, I'm 
sure you're not interested in my under 
things 

We sat on the edge of her bed and I 
told Susan I'd known her for, gosh, how 


many years was it now .. . ? 
Six, Susan said. 
Yeah, six years, I said, wow, that's 


a long time to know somebody. And 


whereas I had some idea of what she 
looked like, 
talked a lot and all, and naturally, I knew 
lot of things about her but I'd 
never in all that time explored her face 
with my hands, which was possibly the 
only way I'd ever really get to know what 
she really looked like, ever get to form 
1 image other 
impressions I'd. 

You can touch my face if you like, she 
said, and very softly added, Iggie 


because, you know, we'd 


a me to augment the 


I touched her face. Gently, lingeringly 
with both hands, I touched the wide 
brow below the delicate hairline, and 


then gingerly explored the arched eye 
brows, and then lifted the dark glasses 
onto her forehead, away from her sight 
less eyes, and touched the lids and the 
nd while the glasses were still 


1 touched the bridge of her nose 


lashes, 
raised 
and felt along it to the delicately curved 
tip, a fine film of perspiration on it, and 


then moved my hands outward 


toward 
her cheekbones. I have freckles, she said. 
and I 
that, and she murmured, Yes. 


mentioned 
And then 
I gently lowered the glasses over her eyes 
again and ran my hands lightly over her 
cheeks and the line of her jaw and her 


answered, You never 


chin, and explored her mouth, touched 
the bow of her upper lip where it curved 
away from her teeth, and the fleshy lower 
lip, and then the moist inner membrane 
as she parted her lips and I said, You're 
beautiful, Susan 

Sitting on her bed, my hands in п 
talking about the 
at school, the ones we particularly 1‹ 
and about kids we'd known 
for God knew how 


lap 


again, we È nuns 


or despised, 
long, and how we 
duated next 


June, though I said it wasn’t necessary to 


would miss them after we 


lose track of people you really liked or 


admired, it would be a shame, for exam 
ple, if she and / lost contact after we'd 
known long 


Susan quickly said, Oh, no, we mustn't let 


each other such a time 


that happen, and I agreed, No, we cer 


tainly mustn't, not now that we were 
really getting to know each other even 
better. Susan said there were some kids 


though, she wouldn't mind seeing the 
last of. Kids like Donald Hagstr 
was always using being blind as an ex 
cuse to go feeling know 


what she 1 Susan 


around, did 1 
meant? No, 1 said, 


said, You know, he puts his hands out in 
front of him and goes feeling around 
you k 


up against someone, y 


hoping he'll, you know, bump 


u know, like in 
the coat coset or someplace, just feeling 
around, do you understand what I mean 
Iggie? 

Oh, I said 

He's done that to me a few 
Susan said. I slapped his face for him one 
time. I know he can tell I'm there, and 


times, 


it's not only me, it’s lots of the other girls 
too, he knows we're there, he just makes 
believe he's groping around, it’s really 


(continued on page 192) 


17, AS WE'RE SO OFTEN ADVISED by psycholo- 
gists amateur and professional, this is the 
age of letting it all hang out, perhaps 
the world is ready to forswear sexual 
hypocrisy in public places. Why should 
you suffer in painful silence when you're 
suddenly overcome by a fit of passion, 
just because you happen to be riding the 
subway or taking in the last half of a 
Shea Stadium double-header at the time 
the spirit moves you? How much better 


DO IT 
NOW! 


wait: 


if the 


a sex scenario in ten impulsive acts 


hirit moves you, w 


to strike, as it were, while the iron is 
hot! Such impromptu encounters might, 
through their very spontaneity, provide 
that certain note of piquancy lacking 
in the everyday “Your place or mine?” 
sort of assignation. In fact, the more we 
thought about the proposition, the more 
exciting it got. So we decided to fol- 
low that impulse, pictorially speaking, 
and indulge in a little fantasy fulfill- 


ment. Care to join us? Come right along. 


Who says thet libraries ore dull places? Ever browsed through ће erotic-books section? Whatever it was that set him off, the gentleman below 
left has discovered that the books aren't the only things thot оге neatly stocked. As for the folks at right below, they're real swingers. 


Honest! This pair 

didn’t start out to make 
о sequel to Behind the 
Green Door (or the 
canvas curtain, as the 
case may be). The 
idea was to токе a 
couple of passport 
photos, but things just 
started to develop. 


The Brooklyn Bridge 
has never enjoyed (if 
that’s the word) the 
lover's-leap reputation 
associated with San 
Francisco's Golden 
Gate span. But, оз you 
can see here, there 
are times when the 


place is really jumping 


РОГ 


Carrousels соп be fun, but for on even merrier go-round we suggest a whirl with the Scrambler (left) or a spin 
on the Ferris wheel (above). You may have found amusement parks merely amusing when you were а 
tad; little did you realize the exhilaration you might experience if you explored the deeper meaning of a joyrides 


| 
ines mean when they refer to “water sports,” but certainly appears fo 
р on your breast stroke, sid@ stroke, backstroke or whigtever kind of stroke 


Sex at 30,000 feet is, 
we have it on the 
most reliable authority, 
absolutely the only 
way to fly. A natural 
high, it definitely beats 
putting out $2.50 
for headphones. 


Not everybody believed 
Mayor Lindsay’s con 
tention that New York 
wos Fun City. On the 
other hand, not every: 


body takes advantage 


of its unusual fringe 
benefits; e.g., horsing 
around in a Central 
Park hansom cab. 


This couple, refusing to 
accept the fact that 
it’s a self-service 
elevator, enjoys an 
uplifting experience. 
It’s easier, experts 
advise, in the 50th- 
story-and-beyond- 
express variety. 


зоооооооооФоооо ә 


9 


102 


BRINCING 
THE WAR HOME 


article BY DAVID М. RORVIK we got out of vietnam, right? so the cops are using 
sensors that were field-tested on the ho chi minh trail and surveillance devices they 
can plant in your brain. now, if they could just call an air strike at park and 56th... 


ROM THE FIRST “peace scare” on, there was corporate, military and bureaucratic breast-beating and brain 
trusting over the question: What will we do when the war in Vietnam is over? The enterprising answer that finally 
emerged: Bring it home. As early as 1967, Paul Baran of the Rand Corporation, the California think tank that at 
tempts—successfully at times—to make prophecy a science, envisioned the use of exotic surveillance technologies on 
the domestic law-and-order front. He worried that “by moving in this direction, we could easily end up with the most 
effective, oppressive police state ever created”; observed that “any new device created solely with a legitimate police ac 
tivity in mind can and will probably be misused”; cautioned that the “new technologists must be men of high ethics"; 
and then went on to concede that high ethics have “never been regarded by my technical colleagues as a necessary 
prerequisite for those in the trade. ways would be found to rationalize the development of domestic 
tionalized conclusion himself that “the high payoff possible 
sting more in technological development is so great that it would be shortsighted to outlaw the development 
of many of these new devices.” 

Government and industry obviously agreed. By 1969, the newly established Law Enforcement Assistance Admin 
istration (LEAA) of the Department of Justice had $63,000,000 to help local police Americanize some of the war tech 
nology and, in general, to develop more sophisticated weapons for the “war on crime.” By 1971, the LEAA budget had 
rocketed to $480,000,000 and today is somewhere close to the one-billion-dollar mark. The House Subcommittee on Le 
gal and Monetary Affairs, in a report critical of the new organization, noted that “no Federal grant-in-aid program has 
ever received a more rapid increase in appropriated funds than LEAA.” 

Ways were soon found to help Government, business and acad 
other things, LEAA is pumping millions of dollars into new police-science programs—reminiscent of the now largely 
defunct R.O.T.C.—at universities across the land. And at a Carnahan Conference on Electronic Crime Countermeas. 
ures, a symposium that is conducted each year at the University of Kentucky for a number of law-and-order interests, 
Howard E. Trent, at the time Kentucky's assistant attorney general, told attending corporate engineers and law 
enforcement personnel that “there is a great unrestricted area of electronic surveillance and electronic countercrime 
measures in which there needs to be expansion and further innovation.” Stressing that legal restrictions on 
surveillance are few, he rallied the assembled with the intelligence t the challenge is wide open.” 

By 1972, according to the Electronics Industries Association, U.S. corporations were accepting the challenge 
to the tune of $400,000,000. Their production of surveillance devices, ““command-and-control” systems and police 
communications equipment under LEAA and other Governmentagency grants was described by Electronics 
magazine as “part of a Nixon Administration shifting of resources from the Defense Department into domestic 
programs.” Robert Barkan, an electronics engineer, writing in New Scientist, summed up the situation more 


nic communities share this new fortune. Among 


aay 


directly: "American companies, faced with dwin- 
dling Federal funds for aerospace and defense, 
are eagerly looking for new markets. Surveillance 
equipment for the home front is a particularly 
easy transfer of Vietnam technology To in- 
dustry, the choice is clear. The extent of its 
concern for the way technology can best serve 
humanity was succinctly expressed a few years ago 
by a vice-president of the giant Aveo Corpora 
tion: ‘We have a modest amount of altruism and 
а lot of interest in profits.’ Martin Danziger, 
asked while he was serving as assistant administra- 
tor of LEAA whether a number of Buck Rogers- 
type weapons now being developed for control 
of domestic criminals, rioters and “dissidents” 
were really necessary, replied, “The business com. 
munity has taken substantial interest in them, 
and I have faith in their judgment.” Former 
Auorney General Ramsey Clark, under whom 
an embryonic LEAA was formed, warned that the 
organization “could be a disaster . , . funds that 
aren't specifically set aside for riot control could 
end up being spent to stockpile arms for use du 
ing riots or demonstrations. It's another poten- 
tial, and an enormous one, for repression.” 

There is evidence that this potential is already 
being realized. Law and order has become big 
business. The Chicago police have an annual 
budget of nearly $100,000,000, the New York 
City police have more than $350,000,000—both 
big enough to qualify for Fortune's list of the 
500 largest corporations. Some 40,000 police 
agencies, employing nearly half a million people, 
are clamoring for a bigger piece of the rapidly 
expanding action. And they're getting it. Con 
gressional Quarterly reports that even some low 
ly backwash police departments, far from the 
front lines of Harlem and Watts, are getting 
equipment, including helicopters and tanklike 
vehicles, sufficient to quell small armies. One 
small community in Ohio, for example, recently 
acquired $230,000 worth of patrol cars, guns, gas 
masks and assorted other riot-control equipment, 
even though there has never been any hint of 
disturbance in that area, Similarly, a small cow 
town in Montana got enough Mace to stop a 
giant stampede. 

As the war technology is Americanized, the de- 
mand for ever more exotic surveillance and riot 
control equipment is being answered. Start with 
our 3.25-billion-dollar “computerized battle- 
field,” a complex of sensors strung along the Ho 
Chi Minh trail. Task Force Alpha, as it was 
called, was largely a failure, frequently mistak- 
ing wandering water buffalo for truck convoys. 
After bombing the hell out of animals, winds 
wafting through the buffalo grass and even rain 
drops—all of which activated the sensors—the 
Defense Department unplugged its rampaging 
white elephant and brought it home. Now the 
Justice Department's Border Patrol is trying to 
put it to more effective use detecting drug 
smugglers along the Mexican-American border. 
Remote-controlled pilotless aircraft developed 
for use in Vietnam may also be used to moni- 
tor the sensors and relay dita to computer 


Si mae‏ د 


PLAYBOY 


106 


centers. There has been some Congres 
sional opposition, but Sylvania Electron 
ics Systems, which proposed the project, 
has sought to calm the uneasy in Govern 
ment with the statement (contained in a 
“proprietary” report) that “the political 
implications of using surveillance equip 
ment along a friendly foreign border have 
been considered by selecting equipment 
that can be deployed without attracting 
attention and easily concealed. 

Other devices developed for use ар; 
the Viet Cong have been declassified and 
diverted to the home front. Among them 
are black boxes that can “see” through 
walls and low-light television systems that 
з spot а man in extreme darkness half 
a mile or more away. The black boxes— 


nst 


са 


foliage-penetration radar developed by 
the Army to ferret out guerrillas in thick 
Vietnam jungles—are now being modi 
fied to penetrate brick and cinder-block 
walls. They are said to be useful in con 
trolling civil disturbances. 

Nightvision devices, employing ге 
cently declassified war components, are 
selling briskly to police. The devices can 
be mounted on guns, police cars, helicop- 
ters and building tops, then linked to 
closed-circuit TV systems that scan entire 
city blocks. The Singer Company, which 
manufactures some of the light-intensi- 
fying devices, notes that they have been 
effectively used “to monitor suspicious 
group meetings.” In a number of cities, 
including San Jose, California, Hoboker 
New Jersey, and Mt. Vernon, New 
York, police have set up hidden 24-hour 
surveillance systems to watch city streets. 
Despite citizen opposition to the Peeping 
Tom cameras, some of which are capable 
of penetrating apartment windows, a 
Government advisory committee has rec 
ommended that several million dollars 
be spent to establish a pilot 24-hour TV 
surveillance system covering nearly 60 
miles of Brooklyn streets, giving those 
monitoring the cameras (at a modest two 
dollars per hour) the fringe benefit of 
being able to zoom in on everything from 
a first-class mugging to a teenage petting 
session beneath the once protective shad. 
ow of an elm tree. 

In another 24-hour surveillance system 
funded by the Justice Department, the 
state of Delaware was given a number of 
trucks that, according to the 
nt, “are to be used as the їз on 
which patrol is to be conducted under 
covert conditions; eg. uniforms of dry 
cleaners, salesmen, public utilities, etc., 
make it possible to be in a neighborhood 
without being obvious.” The equipment 
was designed for covert photography "оѓ 
persons whose activities are suspicious in 


nature.” 

Beyond those devices whose roots can 
be traced directly to the war in Viet 
nam, a perusal of some of the recent 


“Proceedings” of the Carnahan Confer 
ences reveal the development ‹ 
array of new law-and-order gadgetry, 
cither proposed or in the making, includ- 
ing “crime-predicting” computers; elec- 
tronic license-plate scanners; national 
computerized fingerprint analyzers and 
data banks linked to orbiting police 
tellites that instantaneously relay infor 
mation оп individuals; postal X-ray 
machines that peep into letters and pack 
ages without breaking seals; biolumi 
nescent bacteria that light up if you're 
stoned; hidden lie-detector machines that 
measure stress in your voice; “hand- 
held” dogs that are carried through 
crowds to sniff out drugs and explosives; 
hidden magnetic detectors and “low. 
dosage” X-ray machines that examine 
your body without your knowledge 
Other documents, such as а report en- 
titled “Communication for Social Needs,” 
prepared for former Presidential assist 
ant John D. Ehrlichman, reveal that the 
Nixon Administration concocted 
that would require the installs 
FM receivers in every boat, automobile, 
radio and television set, thereby enabling 
the andize day 
and night if desired. (Another Nixon 
proposal called for devices that could au 
ically turn radio and television sets 
оп and tune them to “emergency” mes- 
sages.) When the FM plan was exposed 
by Representative William $. Moorhead, 
chairman of the House Subcommittee on 
Government Information, Dr. Edward E 
David, Jr., director of the White House 
Office of Science and Technology, denied 
that there was any intention of actually 
implementing the plan. Representative 
Moorhead remains skeptical, calling the 
plan a “blueprint for the Big Brother 
propaganda and spy system which George 
Orwell warned about in his novel 1984 
The fact that the Government has been 
testing a system that would give it access 
to private homes raises serious questions 
about the truthfulness of Dr. David's 
statement.” 


a wide 


sa 


Government to prop: 


But Big Brother must come equipped 
with more than just exotic ears. To be 
truly effective, he must also be able to 
deliver swift and persuasive punishment 
to those who stray too far or disent too 
vigorously. Hence the emergence of a 
dazzling night gallery of “nonlethal 
weapons”: the “photic driver,” which 
delivers a toxic combination of light and 
sound pulses, inducing in the unco- 
operative epilepticlike “flicker fits” (gid 
diness, nausea, fainting and even 
convulsions); the Shok Baton, an electron- 
ic prod; the Stun-Gun, which fires pellet- 
filled canvas bags capable of knocking 
a man down at a range of up to 300 feet; 
“limitedtethality riot projectiles,” such 


as 12gauge shotgun shells filled with 


plastic pellets; plastic bubbles that im. 
mobilize rioters; indelible dyes to mark 
dissidents and make them easier to ap 
prehend once crowds have been dis 
persed; darts loaded with immobilizing 
drugs; the “banana peel,” a chemical 
that makes the ground so slick that one 
can neither walk nor drive on it; the 
“cold-brine projector,” which slaps the 
dissident in the face with an incapacitat 
ing blast of icy liquid; the “instant co 
coon,” which sprays crowds with an 
adhesive substance that actually makes 
individuals stick together; and the 
“taser,” a gun that fires electrified barbs 
that paralyze the victim. 

Malignant as some of these command 
and-control systems sound (and they are 
the same that LEAA endorses owing to 
the fact that “the business community 
has taken substantial interest in them”). 
they remotely as diabolical 
as Big Brother's subtler ме the 
electronic “conditioners” tha 
change as well as deter the dissident. One 
of the most alarming proposals in the 
realm of behavioral engineering is that 
of Joseph Meyer, a computer expert in 
the supersecret National Security Agen 
cy. Writing in the IEEE Transactions on 
Aerospace and Electronic Systems, Meyer 
explains in exhaustive detail a system in 
which 25,000,000 Americans would be 
forced to wear miniature tracking devices 
(“transponders”) linked by radio signals 
to centralized computers. “Attaching 
transponders to arrestees and crimi 
nals,” he says, “will put them into an 
electronicsurveillance system that will 
make it very difficult for them to commit 


re not eve 


crimes, or even to violate territorial or 
curfew restrictions, without immediate 
apprehension.” 

It would be a felony, under his plan, 
to remove the transponders and, in 
any event, it couldn't be done without 
the computer's knowledge. The devices 
would be attached as a condition of pa 
role or bail, but Meyer sees them being 
used for “monitoring 


ens and po 
litical subgroups” as well. Heaping in 
sult on injury, he proposes to pay for 
the system by leasing the devices to the 
“subscribers”; ie., those who are obliged 
to wear them, “at a low cost, say five 
dollars per week.” Thus, he declares, is 
poetic justice achieved. 

Meyer, however, is not without heart 
He observes that the criminal poor and 
other minorities are at a disadvantage in 
learning how to “get along” in our gener 
ally affluent society. He concedes that 
these minorities need more than “a long 
apprenticeship” learning to fit in. And 
that’s where his transponders come in 
They can provide the deprived, he says, 
with “a kind of externalized conscience 
an electronic substitute for the social 
conditioning, group pressures and inner 


(continued on page 114) 


“How will you ever forgive me, darling? I was 
convinced there was another man.’ 


107 


ЩЫЕ 
OFF-CAMPUS 
LOOK 


IT'S MATRICULATION TIME, the start of 
another college year. At semester's 
end, of course, there will be exams— 
thick books to read in a hurry and all 
that. Which 1 necessitate a few 
personal appearances in the halls of 
learning. But that’s many moons 
away; in the meantime, there's a lot 
of extracurricular living to do—both 
off campus and on. So our fashion 


story follows two undergrad couples 
through a variety of nonscholastic 
situations. It should come as no sur 
prise that the guys no longer dress 
like Joe College. That’s because, as- 
suming that you haven't entered a 
y academy, anything—suits or 
ters, denims or tweeds—is cool 
in the groves of academe this year 
What could be simpler than that? 


obviously, coming 
on like a joe college 
cliché isn’t 
what today’s undergrad is 
all about 


attire By ROBERT L. GREEN 


Cycling over the dunes is an educational 
off-campus experience, if you've got a little 
time to spare and the right kind of rags—such 
оз these wool herringbone slacks with exten- 
sion waistband and leather side buckles, by 
Trousers by Barry, $65; a polyester/cotton 
buttondown shirt with barrel cuffs, by Sero, 
$16.50; and o shawl-collar pullover sweater 
of Excell acrylic knit, by Robert Bruce, $25. 


The girls band together while the man above 
left harmonizes—his slacks, by Trousers by 
Barry, $65; shirt and pullover, by Arrow, $13 
and $16; and a wool knit tie, by Happy Ties, 
about $5.50. The other guy's got a cardigan 
опа V-neck, by Interwoven Sportswear, $16 
and $11; shirt, by Gant, $14.50; jeans, by 
live-Ins, $12; Harris tweed cap, by Knox, $12 


The Welcome Wagon was never like this. Our 
man below left we с voded suit, 
by Scotts-Grey, Ltd., about $75, with a turtle 
neck sweater of Orlon acrylic, by Jantzen 
$14. His utilitarian friend sports о hooded 
sweater with zip front, $26, tie-dyed denim 
jeans, $25, both by Faded Glory; and a 
ring-neck pullover, by Gentleman John, $17. 


Double your pleasure, double your fun: This 
guy seems to have lost his buddy and is squ 
ing the twins about by himself. Obvio 

it's a good thing that he’s dressed for heavy 
action, in a shirt jacket with leather buttons 
and patch pockets, $36.50, matching tweed 
slacks, $35, a natural-wool turtleneck, $31 
and a woolen cap, $6, all by Pendleton. 


SN ee oy لسا‎ 


Denim, no matter what the maitre de might 
say, is “in.” That is, it’s as fashionable as any: 
thing else and—at least in the States—it’s still 
relatively inexpensive. This undergrad hos а 
denim jeans suit with flap patch pockets, snap- 
front jacket, contrasting yoke piping, by Н. D. 
Lee, $35; worn over о rib-knit, ring-neck pull: 
over with an art-deco print, by Impulse, $12. 


His compadre—not to be outdone—sports a 
denim vest outfit with patch breast pockets, 
contrast stitching and metal button closures, 
by Levi's Fresh Produce, $24. Adding to his 
rustic image are о ploid Western shirt of 
cotton/Lurex, by Gentleman John, $18; and 
а brown-vinyl cap, by Dobbs, $10. And you 
thought the word was running out of vinyl! 


PLAYBOY 


114 


motivations” that keep most of us in line. 
For these people, he declares, an exter- 
nalized conscience is as necessary as "а 
heart pacer [is] to a cardiac patient.” 

Even less is left to chance in a plan 
outlined by self-described “social gadge- 
teer” Ralph Schwitzgebel, Harvard psy- 
chologist and pioneering behavioral 
engineer. In а monograph published 
under a National Institute of Mental 
Health (Center for Studies of Crime and 
Delinquency) contract, Schwitzgebel de- 
scribes a plan that would literally bug 
the body. It involves attaching and im- 
planting miniaturized radio transmitters 
on and inside the bodies and brains of 
subjects in need of “rehabilitation,” not 
only to monitor their conversations, loca- 
tions and even sexual responses but to 
deliver electrical shocks whenever need- 
ed to counter undesired speech, behavior 
or physiological responses. Schwitzgebel 
dwells at length on the problem of “sex 
offenders,” particularly homosexuals, 
noting that there are now devices avail- 
able that can detect even the most mi- 
nute penile changes. In the event of an 
“inappropriate” erect the program- 
mer—computer or human—can zap the 
offender with corrective kilovolts (at low 
amperage) and thus, over a period of 
time, effect a “cure.” Schwitzgebel says 
he recognizes, as a lawyer as well as a psy- 
chologist, the threat such a plan poses to 
individual civil liberties but then pro- 
ceeds to suggest ways in which the sys- 
tem could be implemented without 
provoking a constitutional crisis. In the 
meantime, he’s holding a patent on а 
nonremovable wrist transmitter of his 
own design. 

Perhaps the most terrifying part of the 
Schwitzgebel scenario involves the brave 
new world of E.S.B.—electronic stimula- 
tion of the brain. Human subjects have 
already been wired with implanted brain 
electrodes. The result is that human pro- 
grammers can electronically order some 
of their subjects’ actions and emotions 
simply by pulsing radio signals into spe- 
cific parts of their brains at the desired 
moments. Dr. José M. R. Delgado, until 
recently of the Yale School of Medicine, 
a leading E.S.B. researcher, notes that lab 
animals “with implanted electrodes have 
been made to perform a variety of re- 
sponses with predictable reliability as if 
they were electronic toys under human 
control.” 

Dr. Barton L. Ingraham of the School 
of Criminology at the University of Cali- 
fornia at Berkeley suggests that bugging 
the brain could provide not only continu- 
ous surveillance of those with “ 
tendencies” but also “automatic deter- 
rence or ‘blocking’ of the criminal activi 
ty by electronic stimulation of the brai 
prior to the commission of the act. 


(continued from page 106) 
Dr. Ingraham concedes that the use of 
E.S.B. would “require a Government with 
virtually total powers” but sees a number 
of things in its favor, including the fact 
that it would be “completely effective” 
and “relatively cheap.” As for the econ- 
omy of the matter, an electrical engi- 
neer named Curtiss Schafer agrees: “The 
once-human being thus controlled would 
be the cheapest of machines to create 
and operate.” 

So far, the new behavioral engineers 
and “psychotechnologists” have confined 
themselves to the prisons, which many 
of them obviously regard as convenient 
laboratories in which they can utilize 
human subjects whose civil liberties are 
not only dimly defined by society but 
poorly understood by the subjects them- 
selves, At a 1962 symposium of social сі. 
entists and correctional administrators, 
James V. Bennett, then director of the 
U. S. Bureau of Prisons, was already urg- 
ing the assembled to take advantage of 
the “tremendous opportunity” afforded 
by the 24,000 men then in the Federal 
prison system—"to carry on some of the 
experimenting to which the various 
panelists have alluded. . . . We here in 
Washington are anxious to have you 
undertake some of these things; do 
things perhaps on your own—undertake 
a little experiment of what you can do 
with the Muslims, what you can do with 
some of the sociopath individuals.” 

Among the things “alluded” to at that 
symposium were brainwashing tech- 
niques perfected by the North Koreans 
and biochemical restraints. By the late 
Sixties, some penal staffs included “pris. 
on thought-reform teams” that subjected 
the troublesome inmate to intensive 

group pressures, ridicule and humilia- 
tion in an effort to help him be “reborn” 
as “winner in the game of life.” Drugs, 
aversion therapies that utilize pain and 
anxiety, sensory deprivation in which the 
subject is isolated from all or most stim- 
uli, planned stress and psychosurgery 
might all come into play in the course of 
winning a new convert. Candidates for 
these elaborate therapies are often char- 
acterized in penal reports as uncoopera- 
tive and revolutionary. 

Jessica Mitford, in her book Kind & 
Usual Punishment, tells of a Maximum 
Psychiatric Diagnostic Unit (M.P.D.U.) 
for 84 convicts selected from various Cal- 
ifornia penal units to serve as research 
subjects. Most, she observes, were chosen 
for having shown “disrespect for authori- 
ty” or “because they are suspected of 
harboring subversive beliefs.” (Thus, the 
Soviet tendency of equating dissidence 
with insanity, of the sort that might even 
justify radical psychosurgery, shows signs 
of proving equally useful in the “free 
world,” or at least its prisons.) 


Just what the M.P.D.U. 84 could 
expect was suggested at an assembly of 
behavioral engineers at the University of 
California at Davis іп 1971. "We need to 
dope up many of these men in order to 
calm them down to the point that they 
are accessible to treatment,” one sug 
gested, “We also need to find out how he 
thinks covertly and to change how he 
thinks,” said another. "Those who can't 
be controlled by drugs are candidates for 
the implantation of subcortical elec 
trodes.” One psychotechnologist calcu- 
lated that at least ten percent of the men 
would “benefit” from psychosurgery de- 
signed to burn out the “source of 
aggressive behavior.” 

The courts have recently intervened to 
halt, temporarily, at least, some prison 
psychosurgery, concluding that prisoners 
are incapable of bona fide voluntary con- 
sent. Public outery in other quarters has 
persuaded LEAA to withdraw the sup: 
port it was previously giving several 
psychosurgeons. The psychotechnologists, 
however, continue to do battle. Dr 
Ingraham is busy trying to persuade the 
authorities that the potential abuses of 
brain implants have been much exagger 
ated. In a recent Department of Justice 
monograph, he writes, "The new liberal- 
ism is . . . fanatical on the issue of 
extending legal due process into areas 
which were once considered reserved for 
the exercise of knowledgeable adminis 
trative discretion.” Dr. Delgado, mean- 
while, has removed his research to Spain 
for the time being. And in California, 
Ronald Reagan's proposed Center for 
the Study of Violence, previously shot 
down by fears that it would engage 
in improper experimentation, has been 
restored under a new name. 

Finally, World Medicine, in 1973, six 
years after Paul Baran’s prophetic Rand 
report, revealed that Rand was carrying 
out “exhaustive studies of 2000 cases of 
torture in South Vietnam to assess the 
viability of the methods used by U.S. 
forces.” Could even this ugly part of the 
war be coming home? 


Has 1984 arrived—ten years prema 
ture and crackling with teratological 
technologies that make Orwell's world 
look inefficiently quaint by comparison? 
The transponder generation has so far 
only been conceived, not yet hatched, and 
В. is still only а few barbs in а few 
brains. But upper-case Law and Order 
continues to grow, at the expense of per 
sonal liberty and privacy, and to grow by 
great leaps and bounds, involving not 
only the police and industry but even the 
military, which, with time on its hands, is 
looking for (and finding) a new enemy 

at home. 
The Senate Subcommittee on Consti 
tutional Rights recently revealed that 
(continued on page 204) 


fiction By DAVID ЕІЯ something awful had happened on that lonely promontory 


BAUER HAD TAKEN possession of his land. 

He was a resort developer from the Rhineland, a big, burly man in his 50s with a comfortable 
paunch. Even in winter, he perspired easily. Now, tramping about under the Italian sun on a 
summer day, he was sweating prodigiously. The sea was just a stone's throw away, but there wasn't 
the breath of a breeze and the smooth surface of the water fired the sunlight back up at him. 

Bauer's property did not seem promising. The only spot of any natural beauty was a rocky 
promontory, crowned by a grove of pines, that jutted out high above the water. The rest was sun- 
baked earth, almost bare of vegetation; the beach was narrow and pebbly. But Bauer was pleased. 
He had seen that land first during the war. Even then, he'd had an instinct about it. In the years 
that followed, he had thought of it often—thought and dreamed . . . and begun to plan. Now the 
project was under way. Within two years, the beach would be expanded by dredging and stabilized 
by jetties. The tennis courts would be in place and the golf links in playable condition. Then there 
would be the residential center, with its apartments and restaurants and shops, and cottages scat- 
tered along the rolling land near the shore. Up on the promontory, a cluster of villas would be 
built among the pines. 

Bauer glanced up at the promontory, his soldier's eye automatically evaluating it as an ob- 
servation post. He hadn't climbed up there yet, but he wouldn't be surprised to find an old concrete 
bunker sunk into the side of the cliff. If so, he might leave it. It would be a picturesque reminder 
of how greatly things had changed in 30 years. The Germans were occupying Italy once more—but 
this time it was an army of tourists that came rolling down from the north each summer. There 
were millions of them, literally millions. If Kesselring had had such forces under his command, 
Bauer thought whimsically, the Allies could have been swept out of Italy altogether! 

His mood soured as he drove his jeep back over the rough terrain toward the site of the access 
road. The work was lagging, and now he saw to his annoyance that everything had stopped again. 
The bulldozer was silent, its great blade lowered. The laborers behind it were immobile, too, their 
picks and shovels dangling from their hands. 

Leaving the jeep at the construction shed, Bauer strode over to the Italian work manager, a 
dark and spare young surveyor named Giachetti, who was talking to the bulldozer operator and 
the mechanic. 

“So it's broken down again?” Bauer asked in irritation. 

Giachetti explained in his fluent German what the trouble (continued on page 136) 


ILLUSTRATION BY KUNIO HAGIO 


115 


miss september deals black- 
jack part time, goes to college 
and plans to be a tv dancer. 

we wouldn't bet against her 


DEALERS 
CHOICE 


NDER NORMAL conditions 
blackjack player face 
favoring the hou 
s at Harrah's ( 
Tahoe, Nevada, have or 
1 problem: trying to concentrate 
cards they're hi when the 
the other the table is 
as Kristine 
Hanson. But we're sure nc minds 
los o Kristine and, besides, 
she works at Harrah's only part time— 
when she’s not attending class at Cali- 
fornia State Universit Sacramento, 
where she majors in communications 
studies. “I'm learning all facets of 


seri rrprre 


“I'd like to spend the year after 4 1 
traveling. That would Ье the perfec ie 
Lamy life to just sort of look the world’ 
nd, fortunately for the world, vice versa: 


television,” she says. “I might start as 


ı reporter in Sacramento and maybe 


eventually get my own local talk show 
or something like that.” But that’s 

ily a contingency plan. Kristine’s 
ıbiding dream takes her out of Sacra: 
mento, south on Interstate 5 and into 
L.A., where she'd become a dancer оп 
а TV show. “If all the breaks fell the 
right way, I'd love to dance on a vari- 
ety show.” But there's one hitch: She 
prefers Northern California’s woods 
ind lakes to L.A. No problem. “I 
know of a girl who lives in Tahoe who 
danced on the Dean Martin show. She 
commuted to L.A. for tapings, so it 
can be done.” When Kristine works at 
Harrah's, she lives with friends, in- 
cluding a special one, Jim Cooper, in 
ı large house surrounded by the finest 
Northern California scenery; so with 
her man and nature so close, it’s 
understandable why she loves Lake 
Tahoe. “I decided to try to be а Play- 
mate before I met Jim, who also works 
at Harrah's, and frankly, it has taken 
him a while to get used to the idea. I 
guess he thought that once my pic 
tures were published, all kinds of 
guys would be trying to get in touch 
with me.” We appreciate his concern, 


№.» 


-m> 
With some of her campus friends, Kristine has an instant-picnic lunch. Below: A 


working weekend finds Kristine behind the blackjack tables at Harrah's Casino 
in Lake Tahoe and talking with Emmett Kelly, Sr., who's performing at the club. 


— yy 


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Гы 4 


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MISS SEPTEMBER 


<, 


Kristine and friends from school take an afternoon off for some horseback riding. “My stepfather really loves horses and 
has owned race horses. They're not as much а part of my life as they are of his, but | do find riding totally exhilarating.” 


PLAY BOY’S PARTY JOKES 


ke was heavenly!” sighed the coed to her room- 
mate about the results of her date with the 
school’s star distance runner, "Не lapped me 
the halfway point but still had plenty of kick 
left, and we finished in a dead heat!" 

"You were lucky,” said the roommate. "Му 
last date was with a sprinter, and he was in the 
shower before I even got out of the blocks.” 


Dear, you must have a talk with Sally, because 
she'll pay attention to you,” said the wife. "То- 
day she was playing house again with little 
Tommy next door. 

“So what?” answered her husband. “Didn't 
you play house when you were her a 

“Yes, of course—but I didn’t dem: 
dollars in play money!” 


nd twenty 


A cowboy out looking for strays in the foot- 
hills chanced upon a very attractive Indian girl 
climbing naked from a waterfall pool. Inspired 
by what he saw of her figure before she slipped 
behind a rock, he ventured, “Look, Setting 
Belle, I've got four bits that says I can show you 
the biggest and best time you'll ever have!” 

Replied the maiden coolly, “I've got a buck 
that says you can't.” 


Our Unabashed Dictionary defines premature 
ejaculation as going off half-cocked. 


During World War Two, a GI and his Eng- 
lish girl were strolling down the local lovers’ 
lane. As they walked hand in hand, the soldier 
pulled an orange out of his pocket and of 
fered it to her. “Darling, I really can't accept 
it,” protested the girl. “Oranges are so scarce 
in England right now that they're reserved for 
small children and pregnant women.” 

That's OK, honey,” said the СІ. "You can 
take it now, and then eat it on the way back.” 


And, of course, you've heard about the guy 
who was so well endowed that he had a 
fiveskin. 


Our Unabashed Dictionary defines vice squad 
аз а pussy posse 


The stoned transvestite wandered into the ca- 
thedral and sat down in a center-aisle seat just 
as the richly vestmented priest began moving 
down toward the altar, swinging ап incense- 
burning censer. “Say there,” cooed the transves- 
tite to the startled cleric as the latter came 
abreast of him, “I just lo-o-o-ve your gown, 
but did you know your handbag’s on fire?” 


Suspicious of his wife, a traveling executi 
hired a detective agency to keep 
and the agency brought all its technical 
facilities to bear on the assignment. When the 
man returned from his next trip, he was called 
to the agency's headquarters, where he was 
shown both still and motion pictures and 
heard tape recordings. It was true: His wife 
was having ап affair, and with one of his 
friends. The evidence was conclusive: glamor- 
ous nights on the town, motel assignations, 
nude-bathing scenes, whispered endearments, 
intimate laughter. “It's difficult to believe,” 
sighed the client 

“About your friend's involvement?” he was 
asked. 
No; 1 could believe anything of him,” mum- 
bled the husband sadly, “but I can't believe my 
wife could be that much fun!” 


Our Unabashed Dictionary defines daisy chain 
as a group of people getting their head together 


The secretary swiveled into the plush office and 
closed the door. “I have some good news and 
some bad news,” she announced. 

No jokes, please,” said her boss, “not on 
quarterly-report day. Just give me the good 
news 

Sure,” murmured the girl. "The good news 
is that you aren't sterile.” 


A mortician’s sly daughter named Maddie 
Told an eager but virginal laddie, 

"If you'll do as 1 say, 

We can have a great lay, 
Since I've buried more stiffs than my daddy.” 


The two male surfers were gloriously bronzed 
except for their genital areas. Said one of 
them, “Let's go down to the end of the beach 
tomorrow and bury ourselves in the sand with 
just our pricks exposed. A couple of sessions 
like that and our tans ought to even out 
nicely.” 

While the surfers were putting this idea into 
practice the following morning, two vacation 
ing spinster schoolteachers happened on the 
unusual sight 

"Oh, look, Martha!” exclaimed one. “Wha 
I wouldn't have done to get one of those when 
І was younger—and now, my God, they're 
growing wild!” 


Heard a funny one lately? Send it on a post- 
card, please, to Party Jokes Editor, PLAYBOY, 
Playboy Bldg., 919 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, 
Ill. 60611. $50 will be paid to the contributor 
whose card is selected. Jokes cannot be returned. 


“You finally got me, Lucrezia! 


127 


article 


By HENRY MILLER 


on wrestling with the devil at three o'clock in the 
morning when you're in love—and no longer young 


But, as I said somewhere, the human heart is indestructible. You only imagine 

it is broken. What really takes a beating is the spirit. But the spirit, too, is 
strong and, if one wishes, can be revived. 

Anyway, it was always about three in the morning when the broken toe awak 
ened me. “The witching hour"—because it was at that time I wondered most what 
she might be doing. She belonged to the night and the wee hours of the morning. 
Not the early bird that catches the worm but the early bird whose song creates 
havoc and panic. The bird that drops little scads of sorrow on your pillow. 

At three A.M., when you're desperately in love and you're too proud to use 
the telephone, particularly when you suspect she is not there, you are apt to turn 
on yourself and stab yourself, like the scorpion. Or you write her letters you 
never mail, or you pace the floor, curse and pray, get drunk or pretend you will 
kill your 

After a time, that routine рай. If you аге a creative individual—remember, 
at this point you are only a bloody shit!—you ask yourself if it might not be pos- 
sible to make something of your anguish 

And that is precisely what happened to me on a certain day around three in 


F: rr was a broken toe, then a broken brow, and finally a broken heart. 


YA MA—SAN 
HARA- HARI 


5 


Critic Miller analyzes artist Miller: “Let us not put Beauty on the chopping block. The illustrative 
material . . . makes no claim to beauty, intellect, madness or anything else. It is of the same fiber 
as the text, and the key to both is Insomnia. Some of the illustrations are neither paintings nor 


drawings but just words, and often mere hocus-pocus or jibber-jabber. They reflect the varying 
moods of three in the morning. . . . In their ‘consubstantiality’ they make a curious amalgam of 
anguish, frustration, melancholia and absolute nonsense. In other words, so much frivolous horseshit.”” 


the morning. I suddenly decided I would 
paint my anguish. Only now, as I write 
this, do I realize what an exhibitionist I 
must be. Not everybody, to be sure, recog- 
nizes the anguish I depicted in these crazy 
water colors. Some look upon them as 
right jolly, don’t you know. And they are 
jolly in a heartrending way. All those 
crazy words and phrases—what inspired 
them if not a twisted sense of humor? 
(Maybe it began long ago, with another 
one, the first one, for whom I bought my 
first bunch of violets, and as I was about 
to hand them to her they slipped from my 
hand and, accidentally (2), she stepped on 
them and crushed them.) Litde things 
like this can be very disturbing when you 
are young. 

Now, of course, I am no longer young— 
which makes everything all the more 
ridiculous, Except, mark my words, that 
where love is concerned, nothing, no- 
body, no situation can ever be utterly ri- 
diculous. The one thing we can never get 
enough of is love. And the one thing we 
never give enough of is love. 


PLAYBOY 


And so we have this reputedly famous 
old man (75, no less!) pursuing a young 
will-o`-the-wisp, the old man very roman- 
tic, the young songstress quite down to 
earth. She has to be down to earth, be- 
cause it’s her business to make men fall 
in love, do foolish things, buy expensive 
gowns and jewels. She lost her heart, not 
in San Francisco but in Shinjuku, Akasa- 
ka, Chiyoda and such places. That is to 
say, when she began earning her daily 
bread. 

The old man (c'est à dire moi, mon- 
sieur Henri) had rehearsed the whole 
scene almost 40 years ago. He should 
have known the score. He should have 
been able to play it by ear. But he hap- 
pens to belong to that tribe of human 
beings who never learn from experience. 
And he does not regret his weakness, for 
the soul does not learn from experience. 

Ah, the soul! How many letters I wrote 
about the soul! I doubt if there is a word 
for it in her language. Heart they have, 
yes, but soul? (Anyway, so I would like 
to believe.) And yet, no sooner than I 
speak thus do I remember that it was her 
soul 1 fell in love with. Naturally, she did 
not understand. Only men, it seems, talk 
about soul. (It's a sure way of losing a 
woman, to talk about soul.) 

And now we should talk a bit about 
the Devil, blessed be his name! For he 
had a part in it, as sure as I live. A very 
important part, 1 may add. (Forgive me 
if 1 sound like Thomas Mann!) The 
Devil, if I know him right, is the one who 
says, “Don't trust your instincts. Be wary 
of your intuitions!” He wants to keep us 
human—all too human. If you're headed 
for a fall, he urges you to keep going. He 
doesn't push you over the dliff—he mere- 
ly leads you to the brink. And there he 

130 has you at his mercy. I know him well, 


for I have had traffic with him often. He 
delights in watching you walk the tight- 
rope. He lets you slip, but he doesn’t let 
you fall. 

It’s the Devil in her, of course, that I'm 
talking about. And it was that which 
made her so intriguing, so help me, God. 
Her soul was to me angelic; her self, at 
least as she revealed it, was dı 
what ingredients was she made? I often 
asked myself. And every day I gave a dif- 
ferent answer. Sometimes I explained her 
by race, background, heredity, by the 
war, poverty, lack of vitamins, lack of 
love, anything and everything 1 could 
think of. But it never added up. She was, 
so to speak, an insolite. And why did I 
have to pin her down, like a butterfly? 
Wasn't it enough that she was herself? 
Nol It wasn't. She had to be something 
more or less. She had to be graspable, 
understandable. 

And how foolish this sounds. Every- 
body “had her number,” it seemed, ex- 
cept me. To me she was an enigma. 
Knowing myself as I do, I tried to believe 
that it was all part of my usual pattern 
with women. How I love the unattain- 
able! But it didn’t work, this sort of calcu- 
lation. She was like one of those numbers 
that are indivisible. She had no square 
root. And yet, as I say, others could read 
her. In fact, they tried to explain her to 
me, No use. There was always a remain- 
der that I could never figure out. 

That smile that she gave me occasion- 
ally, like a special gift, I gradually ob- 
served she could give to most anyone—if 
she were in the mood or if she wanted 
something. And I would go again and 
again just to watch her hand it out! Go 
where? Why, to the piano bar where she 
sang nightly and dispensed her charms. 
(Just as 1 did with the other who “tax- 
ied” her clients to paradise and beyond 
Always thinking, poor fool, it’s me she 
enjoys dancing with.) 

The old man! How vulnerable he is! 
How pathetic! How he needs love—and 
how easily he accepts the counterfeit of 
it! And yet, oddly enough, the end is not 
what you think. He won her finally. At 
least, so he thinks. But this is another 
story. 

Night after night it was the bar, Some 
times it began with dinner—upstairs I 
would watch her eat with the same atten- 
tion as later I listened to her play and 
sing. Often I was the first one at the bar. 
How lovely, how enchanting to receive 
exclusive attention! (It could have been 
anyone else; he would have received the 
same attention. First come, first served.) 

Those same songs night after night— 
how can anyone do it and not go mad? 
And always with feeling, as if delivering 
her very soul. So that’s the life of our en- 
tertainer! I used to say to myself. Same 
times. same faces, same responses—and 
same headaches. Given the chance, I 
would change all that. Surely she must be 


fed up with it. So I thought. An enter- 
tainer is never fed up with the game. At 
the worst, she gets bored. But never for 
long. without acclaim is meaningless 
to her. There must always be a sea of 
faces, silly faces, stupid faces, drunken 
faces—no matter—but faces. There must 
always be that starry-cyed idiot who ap- 
pears for the first time and with tears in 
his eyes exclaims, ‘ou're wonderful! 
You're marvelous! Please sing it again!” 
And she will sing it again. And if he is a 
man of means, perhaps a shoe manufac 
turer, he will ask her to go to the races. 
And she will accept the invitation. as if 
he had bestowed а great honor on her 

Sitting there at the bar, playing the 
part of Mr. Nobody, 1 had a wonderful 
insight into the whole show. Forgetting 
of course, that I was a part of it, perhaps 
the saddest part. One by one, they would 
confess to me, tell me how much they 
loved her, and I, I would listen as if im 
mune, but always sympathetic and full 
of understanding. 

I try to think—when did 1 first fall in 
love with her? Not the first time we met, 
that’s definite. If I had never met her 
again, it wouldn't have bothered me in 
the least. I remember how surprised 1 
was when she called me the next day or 
the day after. I didn't even recognize her 
voice. “Hello! This is your liule friend 
from Tokyo speaking.” That's how it 
began, really, over the telephone. me 
wondering why I should be honored with 
а call. Maybe she was lonesome. She had 
arrived only a few weeks before. Maybe 
someone had tipped her off that 1 was 
crazy about the Orient, particularly 
about Oriental women. More particular 
ly, about Japanese women. 

“You really dig them, don’t you?” a 
pal of mine keeps saying 

The ones I dig most are still in Japan, 
1 guess. Like Lawrence said, “The whis 
ders go to America.” There are people 
who are born out of time and there are 
people who are born out of country. caste 
and tradition. Not loners, exactly. but 
exiles, voluntary exiles. They're not al 
ways romantic, either: They just don't 
belong. And I mean nowhere. We car 
ite a correspondence. That is, 
Her contribution was a letter and 
a half. To be sure, she never read all my 
letters, for the simple reason that 1 didn't 
mail them all. Half of them are in my 
quaint old New England chest. Some of 
them are stamped and marked SPECIAL 
peivery. (What a touching thing it 
would be if someone sent her those after 
I was six feet under! Then, to paraphrase 
my beloved idol, I could whisper from 
above: “Му Dear Koi-bito, how sweet to 
read these rabu reta [love letters| over 
God's shoulder.” As the French say. Par 
fois il se produit un miracle, mais loim des 
yeux de Dieu, God isn't interested in 

continued on page 196) 


let’s hear it for jane lubeck, pride of. the oakland raiders 


OU'VE SEEN HER before—when the action on the field slows down and 
the NBC cameras pan over to the lively band of pompon girls whoop- 
ing up enthusiasm for the home team, pro football’s Oakland Raiders. 
She's the brown-eyed blonde with the heart-shaped face, and you may have 
wondered who she is, what she’s like—and how she'd look out of that 
Raiderette outfit. Well, sports fans, meet Jane Lubeck. She's 19, lives in 
Lafayette, California, plans to transfer from Diablo Valley College to Berke- 
ley this winter and has been a Raiderette three years. “I didn’t tell them 
І was only 16 when I tried out,” she says. We'd never have guessed, either. 


Jane's a pompon twirler for love of the game; Raiderettes 
оге unpaid except for a costume allowance. As for the players, 
she admires them more on than off the gridiron: “Overall, 
they're on an ego trip. They expect a lot from a girl.” 


Because she’s somewhat їп the public eye—“and, | guess, 
because I'm friendly”—Jane is often approached by strange 
men (even PLAYBOY photographers). “1 hate it when guys come on 
aggressive; | like them to really want to get to know me.” 


PLAYBOY 


136 


A PLACE TO AVOID „ан page 115) 


man to Grosseto 
for the necessary new part—but Bauer cut 
him short. “All right, all right,” he said, 
his round, snub-nosed face flushed with 
exasperation. “We'll try to make up the 
time later. But what about those fellows? 
he grumbled, indicating the laborers, me 
by village. “They're like 
statues. Are they afraid of a little sweat?” 

“TI have another talk with their capo,” 
Giachetti said, but dispiritedly. He didn’t 
think much could 
laborers. The young men had left the 
village for jobs in the cities. Those who 
remained were the middle-aged, the eld 
erly and the infirm. One of the workers 
had lost a leg, perhaps during the war; 
he stumped about on a wooden peg 
Another man, his face maimed by a ter 
rible wound, was blind in one eye. Their 
leader, the capo, was in his 70s. 

“If only I had а few tough Germans 
here to set the pace,” Bauer said, kicking 
the dirt He scowled at the workers, who 
were regarding him impassively. “What's 
wrong with complai 

Maybe they don't understand that ‘this 
project will mean a new life for their 
village. Those people won't have to work 
as peasants anymore. Once we train them, 
they'll have nice, light jobs as waiters and 
groundskeepers, with plenty of tips to put 
in their pockets. Tell them that, Gia 
cheui,” Bauer added, more energetically 
“If they realize what they're workin, 
toward, then they'll give the job the best 
they've got.” 

But as he gla: 
and saw them still watching him, his face 
darkened resentfully. “What's wrong with 
them?” he muttere 
own Rhenish dialect, as though seeking 
comfort in that familiar accent from what 
so frustrated him in this foreign land 

Bauer lived in a camper-trailer parked 
just off the state highway near the begin 
ning of the access road. It was snug and 
well equipped, with a tiny kitchen, where 
he cooked all his meals. For entertain 
ment he had a radio and for comp: 
ship he had his police dog, Prinz, which 
he sometimes took with him on his jeep 
rides around the project 

At dusk the workmen trudged back to 
their village, a cluster of stone huts that 
topped an inland hill. The bulldozer 
operator and the mechanic drove by car 
to the town beyond. < 
had a hotel room there, stopped by the 
trailer each evening before leaving to see 
if Bauer had 
the next day 

He found the German still fretting 
about the laborers. “Those peasants are 
capable of doing the work,” Bauer said 
testily. “Why don't they do it, then? 
They're going slower all the time.” The 
air was hot and damp; he sat sweating in 
his undershirt, absently scratching Prinz 
behind the ears. “It’s not just laziness,” 


was—he'd already sent 


from the ne: 


be done about the 


them?” һе ed. 


ed at the workmen again 


once more, but in his 


nion 


jachetti, who also 


у special instructions for 


he said. “It’s more than that.” The dog 
stirred, softly growling. Bauer cocked his 
head, listening. Across the darkening 
land, the evening breeze brought the dis 
nt syllables of the sea and a gentle sigh 
ing that might have been the wind in the 
grove of p y 

Bauer glanced shrewdly at the younger 
man. “Tell me, Giachetti. What's bother 
ing those peasants? Is it because of what's 


nes on the promont 


been happening to the bulldozer? The 
breakdowns?” 
Giachetti hesitated 
They think it’s a bad omen 
Bauer grunted in disgust 


“Yes, I'm afraid so. 


“Primitive 


nonsense,” he muttered, mopping his 
brow 
“Yes, but they're primitive people. 


Whenever there is a poor harvest or an 
accident, they think it's the work of evil 
spirits, and shrugged 
his shoulders—"they've got the ide: 
their heads that the land itself is reacting 
against the project.” 

Bauer 
mosquitoes were swarming in now. He 
had to get up and close the little window 

"Опе other thing,” Giachetti said 
“There's a legend of some sort connected 
with the woods 
promontory.” 

“Well?” 

“They 
luogo da evitare 
happ 
been centuries a 
selves may not know 
distorted over the years and mixed up 
with other 
original version is lost, so that all that’s 
left is a vague feeling of 

“Stupidity,” Bauer grumbled. “Igno: 
rance.” He glowered across at Giachetti 
"That's exactly the kind of thing I'm 
fighting against. There's nothing here but 
empty land . . . graves and shadows. What 
I intend to do is bring іп а new world— 
the real world. Money and life and en 
ergy! Those peasants had better cooper: 
ate, Giachetti. I'll build this project with 
them or without them! But it’s in their 
interest, too.” 

Giachetti was finding the trailer stuffy; 
he was aware of Bau 
smell of the dog. He thought of the reality 
of the new world Bauer proposed to build 
playground for 
moneyed Germans, for whom the Italians 
would be servants. "The people here have 
little reason to trust outsider 
more sharply than he had 
“Their isn't 
on that 
from the 
exploitation—" He broke off, reminded 
of his subordinate position. “Of course, 
I don’t mean that you” 

“No, no. You've got a point,” said 
Bauer, nodding. “These people have rea 
sons for being suspicious, all right. They 


now"—Giacheui 


cursed under his breath, The 


the pines on top of the 


call it a place to avoid—un 
Something must have 
It could have 
». The people them 


ned up there once 


These legends get 


stories, and sometimes the 


aversion.” 


's odor and the rank 


on that deserted shore 


he said, 
intended 
reassuring 
point. They've had nothing 
outside but bloodshed and 


history very 


achetti а 
forget 
ing down at his 


have long memories.” He gave 
quick glance. “No, they 
easily,” he said softly, st 
hands, Then, abruptly, he rose. “It’s get 
ting late, Giachetti, and you've got a 
drive ahead of yo 


„ $0 ГЇЇ say good night 


See you tomorrow 


Bauer seemed balked no matter what 
he did. He ordered a second bulldozer 
nd a grader but was told that the equip 
ment for two 
He offered a bonus to the work 


would not be ауайаЫ 
weeks. 
men, to be paid on completion of the job. 
but this seemed to make little difference 
The work kept lagging: 
seemed to Bauer that the road was grow 
rning he 
took up a shovel himself to show the men 


sometimes it 


ing positively shorter. One п 
how it ought to be done. For 20 minutes 
he worked furiously 
and dizzied by the sun, until the 


drenched in sweat 
handle 
snapped in his hands. For sever: 


mo 


тиз he remained stupidly grasping it 
panting, the perspiratic 
his face. Then he flung it 
stalked back to his trailer 
himself and opened a bottle of beer 


flooding down 


away and 
where he dried 


By the time Giachetti stopped there at 
the end of the day, Bauer had drunk a lot 
He wasn’t tipsy, but his face was swollen 


and patchy and his eyes were bloodshot 
“Listen, Giachetti, I know what 
the reason is. The real Why 
botaging me.” He leaned for 
ward, squinting. “When we first went to 
the village to hire the men, 1 happened 


he said. 


reason 


they're 


to tell а couple of them that I'd been 
here during the war. I was a fool to 
have done that 

‘Oh, well," said Giachetti, “that 
doesn't mean anything now 

Bauer shook his head. “It’s different 

е. You see, there was some trouble 


k then. 
age must remember it like yesterday. But 
That's what 


The older people in the vil 


I had nothing to do with it 
1 want you to tell them. They obviously 
identify me with it 
an ex-soldier—and you've got to clear that 
up and exp! 

‹ 
Bauer's h 
exactly?” he 
didn’t want to he 

“Му regiment came 
Forty-four,” E 
thick, 
keen. “We'd been fighting in the south 
nd were being pulled back. We got a rest 
here, 
German tourists,” he added wryly 


being a German and 


1 it, see? 


achetti backed off a step to avoid 


avy breath. “What happened 
but unwillingly. He 


r Bauer's confidences. 


asked 


through here i 


uer said. His voice was 


but his little reddened eyes were 


maybe ten days. We were the first 


Then 
we moved on north. Some other outfit 


came in, for coastal defense. They 
thought the enemy might try 
lan up here. Anyway, one night two 
of our men were going through the village 
on patrol—we'd heard there were parti 
sans about—and they Mur 
dered. Well, the villagers said they knew 


(continued on page 162) 


nother 


were shot 


STOPOVER 


aman can’t do everything, but how much 
time had he wasted in transit lounges? 
essay By JOHN SKOW 1 am srrrınc atone in the airport at Athens, jangled with gin and mental fatigue, 


having a conversation with my grandfather. The subject is travel. Grandfather, who died in 1937, finds it praise 
worthy that I have stirred my stumps to the extent of journeying all the way to Athens. Very enterprising, he thinks; 
it shows admirable breadth of spirit. He himself made several crossings of the Atlantic in the 1870s and 1880s, when 
crossing the Atlantic was no joke, but he never aspired to anything as adventurous as my voyage from the New World 
to the cradle of classical civilization. 

Well, now, he says briskly, do I propose to visit the Acropolis first thing, 


and thus experience without delay the 


still awesome remnant of what remains even now the noblest flowering of our Western (concluded on page 198) 


ILLUSTRATION BY DAVID Wit 


137 


hell, yes—and 

i enjoy a quiet 
cigarette 

afterward, too 


do plants have orgasms? 


humor By RICHARD CURTIS For some time 


researchers have been amassing evidence that plants 
can think, feel and communicate with man. Recent 
books and magazine articles have suggested that trees 
shrubs and flowers are capable of such feats as count 
ing, responding to music or prayer, remembering, 
registering alarm or distress or hope or happiness and 


even reading minds, What most people don’t know 
however, is that some plants can pick their nose, eat 
with a fork, ride sidesaddle, yodel and even play a crude 
form of association football 

Such phenomena are commonly observed at the Kvid 


ney Institute for Higher Learning, of which I have been 


acting director since the founder's death by self-abuse 
in 1973. Yet, astonishingly, they are only minor spin-offs 
lity conducted for the past 


ratories outside Mattoon, 


of the research in plant sexu: 


decade in the institute's lab 
Pennsylvania 

Before I detail our work at the institute, it might 
be instructive for the reader to learn how I entered 
into communication with plants. A number of years 


igo, 1 was watering a crop of Cannabis sativa that 


had mysteriously sprung up on a 30-acre plot of my 
Virginia farm that had previously been devoted to 
ucchini alla marinara. Suddenly, І heard, “Psst. Hey 
man.” It was a feeble, droning voice tinged with des 
peration. I looked around but, seeing no one, shrugged 
and dismissed it as one of our moles, who frequently 
speak in tongues after nibbling Cannabis. 1 was about 
to return to my work when I heard it again. “Hey, 
man, down here, It’s me, your plant.” I examined the 
plants around me and spied one whose leaves were 
yellow and sere. 

“My God!” I cried. 

"You got any greenies? 


he asked, nodding as if 


in a stupor. “I'm strung out, man; I mean, like, I am 


really wasted 
I realized that his pallor was a sure symptom of 
severe chlorophyll depletion and that his reference was 


not to amphetamines. Poor devil, this once-sturdy mat 
ijuana was but a roach of its former self. Acting quick 
ly, I dropped two pieces of a brand-name chewing 
gum known to contain chlorophyll into his soil and 
sprinkled some water over it to help the gum stay 
moist. The transformation was remarkable. Within 
minutes the foliage became verdant, firm and g 


sy 


and the stem erect. The plant swayed ly, though 


there wasn't so much as а zephyr about 

Thank you, тап," the plant said. “Whew! That 
was a bummer.” 

You really can speak, then!” 1 exclaimed 

“Oh, sure. We just don't generally speak to humans. 
But I was in bad shape, you dig? Like, 
my calyx 


raced out of 


How did you get that way?" 

“Potash, man. If I don’t have a fix of potash at least 
once a day, my skin begins to crawl.” Even as he said 
this, I noticed a number of aphides and mites drop 
ping off his corymb. “You should see my roots, man, 
he continued. “They're about a mile long searching 
т the stuff 
I looked at him and swallowed hard, for 1 feared 
that in a matter of months this plant might turn up 


O.D.'d. But meanwhile, it was a golden opportunity 

‘How would you like to teach me the secrets of 
plant behavior?” I asked 

He curled his staminode, which I have since learned 
is a plant's way of expressing uncertainty 

“Well, you did save my life, but I ain't gonna be 
good for nothin’ unless I got my junk, you understand 
distant fertilizer 


what I'm saying?” He glanced at 


shed and, of course, 1 grasped his meaning at once. I 
ran to the shed, opened a 50-pound sack of potash 
and took a cupful back to him. “All right!” he shouted, 
quivering with anticipation 

Thus began my initiation into the fantastic world 
that lies literally beneath our feet. For the next year, 
in every sort of weather, I truc 


ed dutifully out to 


139 


Marty (as he told me his name was) every 
morning, dropped a cupful of potash 
onto the ground around him and rapped 
with him until we both drooped from 
exhaustion. 

Though we are coming to understand 
that plants experience pain in much the 
same way that people do, it is not well 
known that plants also have a sense of 
humor, and a rather keen one, at that. 
One of their favorite pastimes is telling 
jokes. Grape jokes are very popular 
among them and, in fact, almost any 
reference to fruits will send them into 
convulsions of laughter. For the same 
reason, pansies come in for a good deal 
of teasing. 

The biggest butts of botanical jokes 
are cacti, Cacti are sort of the Poles of 
the plant kingdom. Here is а cactus joke 
currently making the rounds: 


This Opuntia fulgida was making 
love to his girlfriend when she 
moaned and said, “Oh, baby, kiss 
me where it smells.” So he drove her 
to Gary, Indiana. 


Many plants are mischievous and play 
pranks. Despite its name, the weeping 
willow is actually a very humorous fel- 
low. It likes to penetrate home-plumbing 
systems with its roots and send them 
creeping along the pipes until they 
emerge inside toilet bowls, where they 
lurk in wait for unsuspecting girls visit- 
ing the john. I have actually seen this 
done a number of times and it never fails 
to crack me up. 

Another fascinating if little-known 
fact about plants is that they generate 
tremendous amounts of electricity. What 
it could mean for the world if even a 
fraction of that energy were harnessed is 
food for endless speculation. One scien- 
tific investigator, noting that plants 
throw off huge electrical forces when 
they die, asserted that 500 green peas 
dropped into boiling water develop 500 
volts, enough to electrocute a cook “but 
for the fact that peas are seldom con- 
nected in series.” 

To verify this contention, I removed 
the four C batteries, generating a total of 
six volts, from my N.F.L. Pro Football 
Game and substituted six freshly picked 
peas linked in series. I then lined up 
Atlanta against Houston, boiled a kettle 
of water and poured it over the peas. 
The results were astounding. Not only 
did the game function normally but the 
Oilers creamed the Falcons 61-17, hold- 
ing them to just 13 yards’ rushing the 
entire first half. 

Marty was as interested in human be- 
havior as I was in that of plants. I vividly 
recall his astonishment when I told him 
how people reproduce. “You gotta be 
pulling my roots,” he said, and he re- 
mained a staunch skeptic till his dy- 
ing day. 

1 was equally nonplused to discover 


140 that, contrary to our cherished agricul- 


tural practice, most plants do not like 
having manure spread on them. They are 
not, in other words, kakatropic. I'm 
afraid I learned this through a bitter ex- 
perience. It happened that I went out to 
the Cannabis field one morning to find 
Marty in the throes of a desperate with- 
drawal fit. I rushed to the fertilizer shed, 
but, to my dismay, the entire supply of 
life-giving potash had been eaten by our 
billy goat, Randolph. But there was an- 
other source of nutrients near at hand. I 
raced to the pasture, scooped up a shovel- 
ful of cow dung and ran back with it to 
Marty. I shall never forget what hap- 
pened next. The color drained out of 
him as if a valve had been opened, his 
leaves stood wildly on end and he began 
to shiver uncontrollably. Marty was 
freaking! 

“Marty, what have I done?” I cried. 

“You laid bad shit on me, man,” he 
groaned, and with a last pathetic glance, 
he withered. 

Not long afterward, my work with 
plants came to the attention of Dr. Sid- 
ney Kvidney, who immediately engaged 
me to work for him at a dollar a year plus 
all the fruit and vegetables I could eat. 
This last was a deceptive inducement. It 
is not easy to chew and swallow some- 
thing with which, only hours before, you 
have been discussing Kurt Vonnegut, 
Jr.'s new novel or the pennant prospects 
of the Cleveland Indians. 

Dr. Kvidney was a remarkable man. 
He had learned to commune with house 
plants by sitting in a large clay pot for 
weeks at a time, up to his shoulders in 
damp peat moss. Once, tragedy almost 
struck when his staff forgot to water him 
before the Labor Day weekend. They 
returned to find him badly wilted and 
covered with ladybugs. A quick-thinking 
colleague saved him by spraying him 
with a mixture of chlordane and Cana- 
dian Club, but he never quite regained 
complete use of his sphincter from that 
day on. 

The work of the Kvidney Institute is 
divided into two fields of endeavor. The 
main thrust is sex activity in plants, but 
there is also quite a bit of minor thrust- 
ing among the staff after we knock off 
from work. One of our most important 
contributions to botany has been the re- 
versal of a prudish tendency among biol- 
ogists to refer to the sex organs of plants 
in Greek and Latin terms. Avoidance of 
proper nomenclature only obscures the 
fact that plants have essentially the same 
reproductive anatomy as humans. For 
centuries, a plant’s vulva, uterus and 
ovaries have been designated as stigma, 
style and pistil, and male parts аз fila- 
ment, anther and stamen. At the insti- 
tute, however, we always refer to female 
and male sex organs as snatch and 
whang, respectively. 

To demonstrate how ridiculous it 
sounds to discuss plant sex in cuphe- 
misms, let us describe the floral sex act in 


Latin- and Greek-derived terms, from the 
preliminary, or “fucking around,” phase 
to its climax. After softening up the fe- 
male with his best line of jive, the male 
flower begins brushing the female’s pul- 
vini with his peduncles while caressing 
her pappus with his glumes. When she is 
sufficiently turned on, he inserts his cat 
kin into her spadix and begins a slow, sen- 
sual turgor movement, faster and faster, 
until she aies out, “Oh, God!" and 
achieves epinasty. Of course, if she is 
estivating, it's best to resort to bracts 
and umbel. 

The above describes a bisexual act, but 
it must be remembered that in the plant 
world, almost every sex relationship is a 
ménage à trois, for most plants are inca- 
pable of conceiving without the aid of 
pollinating agents such as birds, insects 
or the wind. This may be difficult for us 
to grasp, for very few human females use 
birds, insects or the wind, no matter how 
horny they are, though I do know one 
who slept with a literary agent and re- 
ported excellent results. 

This raises the question: How do 
plants attract third parties to pollinate 
them? That depends. If it's the wind, a 
plant merely has to lie there with knees 
parted; but insects and birds require se- 
ductive wiles. One species of chrysan- 
themum, Farshmayeter kop, sports petals 
that look exactly like doggie-poo, thus 
attracting flies by the swarm. The саг- 
rion lily goes one step further and actu- 
ally gives off an odor like that of rotting 
meat. Are these measures so radically dif- 
ferent from our dressing attractively or 
using perfumes to attract members of the 
opposite sex? Certainly not. Indeed, 
there is а lady in my building who dresses 
like doggie-poo and smells like rotting 
meat, and she’s never had any trouble at 
tracting boyfriends. 

Some people ask: Do plants have erog- 
enous zones and, if so, where are they? 
People who ask these questions are the 
same sickies who visit playgrounds to 
watch little girls dimbing up the slides. 
The answer to these questions, however, 
is yes, plants do have erogenous zones, 
the most sensitive being the strobile, the 
panicle and the hypogyny, the latter 
being extremely excitable. You touch a 
plant's hypogyny, you'll drive it right up 
the wall. 

Besides touch, plants can be sexually 
stimulated by visual and olfactory stim- 
uli. Ac the institute, we shpritz (to use the 
scientific term) cucumber blossoms with 
attar of roquefort dressing. Within mo- 
ments, the plants break into a cold sweat, 
pant, bump and grind and caress their 
private parts suggestively. Another ex- 
periment demonstrates plant responses 
to visual excitants. At the lab, we attached 
electronic sensors to the leaves of a 
Nymphaea odorata. A technician then 
flashed a number of pictures in front of 
the plant, all of which were “neutral”: 

(concluded on page 196) 


EFORE THE TURN of the cen- 
tury, before frozen orange 
juice and presliced bread, 
practically all Scotch 
was straight malt whisky. 
It was а handmade 
product—malted barley, 
slowly distilled in primi- 

tive pot stills to a rich, smoky resonance. 

ighlanders relished their “loud” whisky 
because it “went down singing hymns.” 

Today's Scotch, however, is literally 

something else; a light, dry, muted 

spirit—obviously not the meaty mouth- 

ful of poem and legend. Nor is it a 

straight whisky. It is, in fact, a blend 


consisting of straight malt—the original 


potation made in Scotland. Grain whisky 
is distilled at high proof, in modern col- 
umn stills, primarily from corn and some 
barley, its virtue being that it is rather 
neutral—silent. When mixed with the 
loud malts, grains temper the frank, gen- 
erous flavor and dilute the body, creating 
a lightness esteemed by consumers in 
200 countries. 

Malts are the soul of any blend, and 
without them there is no Scotch whisky. 
But nobody, least of all the shipper, will 
disclose the proportion of malt to grain 
іп a blend, and the Government doesn’t 
require that such information be shown 
on the label, as it is in American blends. 


Shippers have indicated privately that a 
few bulk brands (transported in barrels) 
have as little as 20 percent malt. Which 
would make the ultimate product pretty 
much a malt-flavored grain whisky—emi- 
able but certainly not the 
“ancient mysteri” of the Highlands. To 
know Scotch as it once was, you have to 
sample the unblended malt whiskies. 

A single malt, logically, is the unmodi 
fied product of a single distillery. No 
other malts or grain whisky are mixed in. 
As with Bordeaux wines from different 
chateaux, singles have their distinctive 
character—each a bit different from the 
elixir distilled across the burn or over the 
glen. However, there are three major 
areas whose whiskies vary markedly in 


141 


PLAYBOY 


142 


flavor and aroma from one to another 

Most important are the Highland 
malts, accounting for roughly 90 percent 
of the total, They're produced north of 
an imaginary line drawn across the width 
of Scotland from Greenock in the west to 
Dundee in the east. The land is blessed 
with an abundance of barley, crystal- 
dear spring water and peat—these being 
the ingredients needed for fine Scotch 
malt. And the finished products are Scot- 
land's spiritous jewels—medium-bodied, 
moderately peated, with a clean, fruity 
ambience that speaks of mountain air 
and heather. Their flavor may be pene 
trating, but it’s never overpowering. 
With one or two exceptions, the familiar 
bottled malts are Highland bred—Glen 
livet, Glenfiddich, Glen Grant, Glenfar 
„ Macallan, Mortlach and Cardhu 

Their primary application is, of 
course, in blends, where they supply the 
background taste—the tenor notes. Malt 
distillers play this little game: They 
imply that their particular single is the 
top dressing in every premium blend but 
tend to be coy when it comes to namé 
However, The Glenlivet and Macallan 
people are not shy about claiming Chivas 
Regal; Glenfiddich acknowledges th 
is used in the company's Grant's Standfast 
and deluxe Grant's Royal; and Cardhu 
almost certainly is a component of John 
nie Walker and Dewar's White Label. 

If Highlands are the tenors of the 
blends, they're also the tenors of the malt 
chorus; and island malts, from Islay, 
Skye, Mull, Jura and the Orkneys, are 
the basses. As a group they're smoky, 
pungent, full-bodied and aggressively 
peated. Like the m 
Sanlúcar, island malts acquire a salty 
tang from the surrounding sea. They're 
invaluable as a foundation in blends but 
almost defy consumption as singles. Nev 
ertheless, Laphroaig, an extremely asser 
tive Islay malt, sells well in California 
Hearing this, a crusty Scot expressed ad 
miration for the stalwarts of the Golden 
State. “It takes a verra deterrmined lad- 
die to get that stuff down.” 

Lowland malts, from the third major 
e relatively undistinguished. They 
hardly warrant bottling as singles, and 
seldom are. But they serve a function in 
blends as packing or filler, Campbel 
town malts, from Kintyre in southwestern 
Scotland, are no longer significant. The 
place has just two working distilleries 
left, done in, perhaps, by today’s quest 
for lightness. 

There's a bit of Highland voodoo asso 
ciated with the distillation of Scotch. 
Some companies protect their secret 
nervously, guarding plant doors and 
faithfully duplicating -every bump and 
scrape in the equipment when replace 
ment parts are needed. Others feel their 
dram is an accident of nature and invite 
tourists inside, Last year, a brigade of 
Japanese whisky moguls went through 
the Glenfiddich emporium, snapping 


nzanilla sherries of 


thousands of photos. A visiting innocent 
suggested that there might be a Sayonara 
Scotch on the market one day. All hands 
within earshot fell down laughing at the 
idea. “Don't you see,” one finally gasped, 
‘they haven't got the water.” In fact, 
there have been attempts to imitate 
Scotch whisky in other countries, includ. 
ing Nippon. 

When you get past the malarkey and 
mysticism, distilling malt whisky is а sim- 
ple operation, but the biology of it is fas- 
cinating. The basic raw ingredient is 
ripened barley, preferably Scottish. Each 
grain is an embryo plant, complete in 
itself. When conditions are right, in 
springtime the plant starts to sprout or 
germinate. In the process, enzymes аге 
developed that convert the starch into 
sugar, food for the growing plant. It is 
this sugar that the distiller covets, so he 
simulates nature's warmth and moisture 
in his malt barn, “fooling the barley,” 
which promptly germinates. Then, to 
prevent the plant from consuming йз 
sugar, the malted barley is dried in kilns 
over peat fires, arresting growth. The 
acrid fumes permeate the barley, impart 
ing the pungent, peaty aroma that is the 
dominating flavor in Scotch whisky 

Depth and character of flavor are con 
trolled by length of peating, Islay distil 
lers peat for three days, Highland only 
one. The damp weather and quality of 
Islay peat mean more drying time is 
required and Islay malts are prized for 
their redolence—in effect, making a vir 
tue of necessity. Going a differe 
some Highland brands mix coke with the 
peat, cannily muting the “peat reek 

After drying, the malted barley is 
rough-milled and mixed with hot water 
Yeast, added to the “porritch,” feeds on 
the sugar solution, creating alcohol as а 
by-product. This process is called fermen 
tation. Finally, the alcoholic wash is 
distilled twice, in pot stills—essentially 
big copper kettles, very much like the 
alembics used for cognac. It is an ancient 
and, happily, inefficient method, which 
retains essential flavor elements that ef 
ficient, continuous stills eliminate. 

Now comes the long wait, as the raw, 
water-white spirit matures into mellow 
whisky. Malts require long aging. Opti 
mum time, according to one candid ex 


t route, 


porter, is "eight to ten years for 
palatability . . . 12 to 15 years for adver 
tising.” Beyond 15 years, malts take on a 
woody undertone unless they've been 
tenderly handled. There's a lot of talk 
about mellowing in old sherry casks. 
That may be edging into the realm of ro- 
mance. Most sherry is shipped in tankers 
these days and used casks are hard to 
come by. But major producers manage at 


1 


ast a minimum of sherry-wood aging, 


To get some notion of what sherry casks 
do for malts, try this: Set up two wine. 
glasses: Dash some sweet sherry 
swirl to coat sides of glass and discard the 
excess. Pour a shot of whisky into each 


glass, then sniff and taste to note the 
difference 

With the ascendance of blends, singles 
were becoming an endangered species 
litle known except to Scottish landed 
gentry and a tiny fraternity of bulls. But 
devotees of the flavorful and natur 


seem to be rediscovering the original 
Scotch. Connecting the interest in malts 
with growing sales of deluxe blends such 
as Chivas and Johnnie Walker Black, dis- 
tillers declared a trend and incre 
their malt bottlings. Sales are still minus 


cule compared with blend consumption 
due in part to a short supply. Glenfid 
dich, number-one brand in the U.S. as 
well as in the U. K., and the prestigious 
Glenlivet have gone into the spirit mar 
ket to buy back their own booze, at 
roughly six times the former selling 
price. Both are now laying down 


much 


greater share of current production for 
future bottling as singles 
Malt whiskies may not be for everyone's 


palate. Ian Coombs, chairman of Long 


John International, feels the vast major 
ity of people isn't ready for them. “I 
don’t think we should go out of our way 
to pour malts down [consumers’} throats 
too quickly.” Nevertheless, if you're any 
kind of whisky connoisseur, you'll want to 
explore malts, the distiller’s dram. Ice is 
verboten, that’s like using a champagne 
swizzle on vintage bubbly. Nor is there 
any percentage in just knocking it back 
Good form calls for a splash of water— 


about half as much aqua as whisky 


liberate the nose. Several importers 
are urging single malts in a snifter, as 
» after-dinner alternative to cognac 
Form notwithstanding, single malts 
are an addition in certain mixed drinks 
cold milk punches and hot toddies, f 
example. Fishermen often pack a ‘Ther 
mos of Gaelic coffee in the tackle box 


hot black coffee, cream, su 
hefty jolt of malt whisky. A new drink, 


r, plus 


actually a switch on the rusty nail, takes 
two parts malt whisky to one of oloroso 
sherry. Call it a Spanish nail 

The latest caper among trendies is a 
malt nosing. It will never replace the 
cocktail party, but it is a nice change of 


pace. You set out three or four single 
malts and perhaps one blend, as a foil 
Tasters study the subtle or obvious dis 
tinctions among the various offerings. 
You'll want as much diversity of flavor as 
possible. Peter Dominic's 12-botdle sam 
pler pack of large miniatures is ideal for 
a tasting. Alas, Peter Dominic's wine-and 


spirit shops are based in London. The 
sampler is something to bring back 
though, next time you're there 

Taste perceptions are subjective, but 
the brief descriptions of the following 
maltwhisky brands may help you zero 
in on the malt of your choice 

The Glenlivet: 12 years, 86 proof 


The first legally licensed distillery in 
(concluded on page 204) 


and she loved her village. ' 
Whatever I 
ou'll have to be a very plucky lady.” 

“I don't know about that, Lieutenant. I suppose I 


“It’s about the 
“Would you mind speaking up a little? I'm afraid 


when rosemary agreed to trap the phone freak, 
little did she guess the incredible outcome 


fiction СА COLLER) 


ROSEBAY 102? Miss Rosemary Underwood? Lieutenant 
Mackintosh calling. Stratton Police Headquarters.” 


Iways careful and efficient in parking 
d had a dog, the dog would never have 


been permitted to foul the sidewalk. Indeed, that non. 
existent animal would never have permitted himself 
to foul the sidewalk, There was an aura of healthy 
wholesomeness about this rosy, personable lady that 
effectively discouraged any sort of fouling, 
my dear reader, for you, on yours. 

n it be, Lieutenant? Is there anything I сап 
do for you?” 

sk not what you can do for me, Miss Underwood 
It's what you с 


л any level 


л do for the whole community.” 
the village librarian. She loved her job 
‘or the community? Cer- 


ап 


е phoné calls.” 


we've got a bad line.” 

“Obscene phone calls, Miss U 
acter’s been making them in all the four villages. He's 

bad line, all right.” 

Not here in Rosebay, surely?” 

“Different village each week. First Idell.” 

“Idell? Oh, dear! I hope Mrs. Ferguson м. 
bothered. Her husband's away so often.” 

“It's only the 
Pond. Then Padwick. And now he’s in your neck of 
the woods. Compl 

“How really unpleasant! All the same, Lieutenant, 
I hardly see where / fit in 

“You're in already, miss. (continued on page 160) 145 


lerwood. This char- 


n't 


gle ladies. Then calls in Morton's 


nt every night since Monday.” 


ILLUSTRATIONS BY KINUKO CRAFT 


PLAYBOY 


142 


flavor and aroma from one to another. 

Most important are the Highland 
malts, accounting for roughly 90 percent 
of the total. They're produced north of 
an imaginary line drawn across the width 
of Scotland from Greenock in the west to 
Dundee in the east. The land is blessed 
with an abundance of barley, crystal- 
clear spring water and peat—these being 
the ingredients needed for fine Scotch 
malt. And the finished products are Scot- 
land's spiritous jewels—medium-bodied, 
moderately peated, with a clean, fruity 
ambience that speaks of mountain air 
and heather. Their flavor may be pene- 
trating, but it's never overpowering. 
With one or two exceptions, the familiar 
bottled malts are Highland bred—Glen- 
livet, Glenfiddich, Glen Grant, Glenfar- 
clas, Macallan, Mortlach and С 

Their primary application is, of 
course, in blends, where they supply the 
background taste—the tenor notes, Malt 
distillers play this litle game: They 
imply that their particular single is the 
top dressing in every premium blend but 
tend to be coy when it comes to names 
However, The Glenlivet and Macallan 
people are not shy about claiming Chivas 
Regal; Glenfiddich acknowledges that it 
is used in the company’s Grant's Standfast 
nd deluxe Grant's Royal; and Cardhu 
almost certainly is a component of John 
nie Walker and Dewar's White Label 

If Highlands are the tenors of the 
blends, they're also the tenors of the malt 
chorus; and island malts, from Islay, 
Skye, Mull, Jura and the Orkneys, are 
the basses. As a group they're smoky, 
pungent, full-bodied and aggressively 
peated. Like the manzanilla sherries of 
Sanlúcar, island malts acquire a salty 
ang from the surrounding sea. They're 
invaluable as a foundation in blends but 
almost defy consumption as singles. Nev. 
ertheless, Laphroaig, an extremely asser- 
tive Islay malt, sells well in California 
Hearing this, a crusty Scot expressed ad 
miration for the stalwarts of the Golden 
State. “It takes a verra deterrmined lad- 
die to get that stuff down.” 

Lowland malts, from the third major 
area, are relatively undistinguished. They 
hardly warrant bottling as singles, and 
seldom are. But they serve a function in 
blends as packing or filler. Campbel 
town malts, from Kintyre in southwestern 
Scotland, are no longer significant. ‘The 
place has just two working distilleries 
left, done in, perhaps, by today's quest 
for lightness 

There's a bit of Highland voodoo asso: 


ciated with the distillation of Scotch. 
Some companies protect their secret 
nervously, guarding plant doors and 


faithfully duplicating -every bump and 
scrape in the equipment when replace- 
ment parts are needed. Others feel their 
dram is an accident of nature and invite 
tourists inside. Last year, a brigade of 
Japanese whisky moguls went through 
the Glenfiddich emporium, snapping 


thousands of phe 
suggested that thd 
Scotch on the m: 
within earshot fel 
“Don't you 
"they haven't go 
there have bee 
Scotch whisky in 
ing Nippon 

When you get 
mysticism, distilli 
ple operation, bu 
cinating. The | 
ripened barley, p 
grain is an emb 
itself. When co 
ngtime the р 
germinate. In th 
developed that 
sugar, food for t 
this sugar that tl 
simu ез mature’ 
in his male barn 
which promptly 
prevent the pla 
sugar, the malted 
over peat fires, 
acrid fumes pern 
ing the pungent, 
dominating flavor 

Depth and chal 
trolled by length 
lers peat for thr 
one. The damp 
Islay peat meani 
required and Isl 
their redolence 
tue of necessity 
some Highland Ы 
peat, cannily mu 

After drying, 
rough-milled anc 
Yeast, added to ф 
the sugar solutio} 
by-product. This 
tation. Finally, 
distilled twice, i 
big copper ketl 
alembics used (о 
and, happily, in 
retains essential 
ficient 

Now comes th 
water-white spiril 
whisky. Malts re 
mum time, 
porter, is "eig 
palatability 
tising.” Beyond | 
woody 
tenderly handled 
about mellowi 
That may be edg 
mance. Most sher 
these days and 
come by. But m: 
least a minimu: 
To get some not 
do for malts, try 


idea. 


continuon 


accor 


underte 


glasses: Dash som 
swirl to coat side 


excess. Pour а sH 


when rosemary agreed to trap the phone freak, 
little did she guess the incredible outcome 


fiction [БҮ УПНН (COLHER 


OSEBAY 102? Miss Rosemary Underwood? Lieutenant 
Mackintosh calling. Stratton Police Headquarters. 

Rosemary was always careful and efficient in parking 
her car. If she had had a dog, the dog would never have 
been permitted to foul the sidewalk. Indeed, that non 
existent animal would never have permitted himself 
foul the sidewalk. ‘There was an aura of healthy 
wholesomeness about this rosy, personable lady that 
effectively discouraged any sort of fouling, on any level 
Which goes, my dear reader, for you, on yours. 

“What can it be, Lieutenant? Is there anything I can 
do for you? 
“Ask not what you c 


do for me, Miss Underwood 


It's what you can do for the whole community.” 
Rosemary was the village librarian. She loved her job 


and she loved her village. “For the community? Cer- 
tainly. Whatever I can.” 
“You'll have to be a very plucky lady.” 


“I don't know about that, Lieutenant. 1 suppose I 


сап try.” 

“It’s about these phone call: 

“Would you mind speaking up a little? I'm afraid 
we've got a bad line.” 

“Obscene phone calls, Miss Underwood. This char- 
acter’s been making them in all the four villages. He's 
got a bad line, all right.” 

“Not here in Rosebay, surely?” 

“Different village each week. First Idell.” 

“Idell? Oh, dear! I hope Mrs. Ferguson wasn't 
bothered. Her husband's away so often.” 

“It's only the single ladies. Then calls in Morton's 
Pond. Then Padwick. And now he's in your neck of 
the woods. Complaint every night since Monday.” 

“How really unpleasant! All the same, Lieutenant, 
I hardly see where / fit in 

“You're in already, miss. 


(continued on page 160) 


ILLUSTRATIONS BY KINUKO CRAFT 


145 


146 


СОМЕА 


WAY, 


being an inquiry concerning men, wherein we discover that 
the game remains the same, but most of the rules have changed 


ONCE, IT WAS SIMPLE—if not easy—to be a 
man in America. The rules were few and 
clear: Real men didn’t wear hair to their 
shoulders; they didn't wear fruity clothes; 
they loved their wives, but . . . oh, you 
kid!; they wouldn't be caught dead wash 
ing dishes; they didn't back down from 
fights; and they never, never cried 

And back then, if you were a little 
slow, or feeling temporarily unsure of 
your role, you could model yourself on 
any one of many ideal media males, men 
whose radiance and sexuality had won 
them public esteem, great wealth and 
the mass adulation of women. You could 
try to do it the way Bogart would , . . or 
Clark Gable or John Wayne. But what 
do we have today? Who is today's Gable 
ог Bogart? Mark Spitz? Only until he 
opened his mouth. Mick Jagger? Cer 
tainly a man among men, but how 
would you look doing the fox trot with 
id Bowie? Paul Newman? Sure, but 
s been all downhill since The Hustler. 
Brando? Are we ready for our last tango? 
Muhammad Ali? If only he hadn't lost 
Joe th? Too dissipated. Dustin 
Hoffman? Too short. Richard Benjamin? 
Too skinny. Robert Redford? OK, Rob: 
ert Redford. That's опе... 

And precisely at this moment, when 
we could all use someone to lean on, we 
find ourselves at а watershed in the his 
tory of human sexuality. The electronic 


and print media have allowed women to 
communicate with one another as never 
ad out of this communication 
mind, a 
women's consciousness that is demand 
ing from men what amount to psychic 
rep payment, we are told, for 
abuses dating back to the first cave man 
who ever beat on his old lady with a club. 
This generation of males, which is in re 
ality as unchauvinistic as any in memory, 
is being informed—not in the most even 
tempered manner, either—that it has to 
pick up the ta entire trans 
historical soiree. And afterward, we са 
wash the dishes. Women have upped the 
ante. And some men are taking this sud 
den inflation of human sexual relation 
ships rather hard. Whatever happened, 
they pine, to the good old days of find 
‘em, feel ‘em, fuck ‘em and forget ‘em? 
But the stakes have been periodically 
raised before; it's an evolutionary force 
that keeps the game interesting. Just 
when we think we've mastered it, we 
find that we're required to venture more 
in order to play 
romantic love came out of such an upping 
of the ante. Before 900 years ago, there 


before, 


has come a sort of collective 


ations: 


The whole concept of 


was no such thing. If you were a noble. 
man, your idea of relating to а woman was 
positively medieval: eg., droit du sei 
gneur; i.e., the lord's God-given right to 
deflower the bride of апу vassal on her 


wedding night. But suddenly you dis 
covered that all the women worth sl 
your lance at were up in towers w 
pointed h g Green Sleeves 
refusing to let their hair down unless you 
killed the dragon 
seen a dragon before 
ed, mounted your steed 
and went and found a dragon 
good, and then 
side, made up a poem about how foxy 
y fair and recited it to her 
to the accompaniment of a lute. Only 
then did she let down her golden tresses 


s, singi: 


And you'd never even 


So you shrug 
slew it 


just to be on the safe 


was your 


for you to climb and, at last, spend the 
night with her inventing romantic love 
A new dragon has appeared to test our 


chivalry. The 1974 model isn’t green and 
but it breathes rhetorical fire and 
is capable of swallowing a 
whole. It is the embodiment of collective 
feminist consciousness barring the path 
to the fox in the tower 
wishing it roll 
dead 


scaly 
nobleman 


There's no use 


would over and play 
cause it won't 

It is time for men to go up against 
the dragon, to seize the initiative from 
women. The age of male chauvinism 
versus militant feminism is over. The 


age of postfeminist, post-Bobby Riggs 


psychosexual tennis is here. The ball 
gentlemen, is in our court; and our 
strokes begin overleaf п us after 


ward, ladies. for brandy and cigars. 


GET LOST, CREEP! 
THERE'S A NEW MAN ON 
THE BEACH AND YOUR 
MACHO BULLSHIT DOESN'T 
CUT IT ANYMORE! 


THAT MAN IS THE BIGGEST 
NUISANCE ON THE BEACH! 
WHY CANT HE LEARN THAT 
REAL MEN TODAY ARE GENTLE 
AND SENSITIVE AND... 


THIS IS 
GETTING 
A LITTLE 
WEIRD... 


hg 


By RICHARD WOODLEY 


The human male's first 
physiologic response to 
effective sexual stimulation 
is penile erection 

— MASTERS AND JOHNSON 

50 LET 05 BEGIN with the 
erection. It is no wonder that 
men are hostile these days. We 
have come to a crucial and 
disturbing time in our evolu- 
tion. Hallowed definitions 

of masculinity are being 
challenged, traditional sexual 
roles are becoming blurred. 

It is a time when to assert old- 
fashioned male characteristics 
of dominance, power, stoi 
cism, bravery, independence, 
aggression, competition and 


toughness is to be derided as а 
misfit by the enlightened elite 

But erection of the penis— 
that is, the extension of one’s 
member from its average 
three-inch length at rest to 
about six inches at arms, what 
ever Causes it, whatever 
employment ensues—is unas 
sailably male. Tumescence of 
the organ is a scientific 
physical fact, a matter of open 
ing and closing gates in the 
tissues, a natural event that 
needn't be learned. You can 
see it, you can touch it, you 
can even photograph it. Vir 
tually every man in the world 
experiences it, while both 
awake and asleep, from the 
time he is born until he is an 
ncient (Masters and 
Johnson got it up in an 
89-year-old man). 

However we may play our 
sociosexual games, however 
we may arrange our poses and 
plumage, however we derive 
our frustrations and satisfac- 
tions, everything can be faked 
but an erection. It is the one 
solid fact of masculinity. 
Scientists may disagree on 
innate qualities, feminists 
demand equalities, men may 
ies, but walk into 


ау 


а room with а hard-on and 
your case is made: Nobody 
but a man can do it 

While at times it can be an 
cute bother (such as when you 
rise from а resta 
with the crotch of your р 
in triangle), when it occu 
at desired moments, it is 
a source of deepest 
pride and pleasure 

Conversely, to fail at erec 

tion is an unmitigated male 
disaster. Everything hangs on 
an erection, Inability to pro 
duce it is the worst thing 

that сап happen to а man, 
short of farting in church, and 
from such debility may spring 
a host of demons that seize 

a man in par nd depres 
sion frightful enough to 
destroy him. Except at times 
of proper perform 


rant table 
ms 


Di: 


ce, the 


cock is an unimposing pecker 
flaccid gargoyle that 
interferes with jogging. It is 
an object of ridicule that we 
hide behind the aliases of 
peter and dick. “If 1 were a 
man,” said a woman privy to 
my privates, “1 wouldn't want 
that soft thing hanging 
down there.” Any beauty 
ciated with that beast asle 
has been in suggestive pack 
aging—such as the exaggerated 
codpieces of Elizabethan times 
or the tight crotches of 
queens that blatantly divert 
the branch into right or left 
dress (yes, the queens advertise 
the male organ more than 
do the straights. a bit of cheeky 
irony that asserts their 
birthright) 

The only thing an erection 
is for is sex. And sex, as Arno 
Karlen wrote in Sexuality 
and Homosexuality, 
touchstone by which we define 
and judge ourselves.” You can 
have sex without erections 
nd erections, God knows, 
without sex. But an erection 
is the only sure indicator that 
a man is ready to perform 

All else about erections is 


asso- 


is the 


irony. Orgasms are the goal c 
erections, their raison d'être. 
Yet the orgasm is the death of 
an erection—to use it is to lose 
it, as they say. Women don't 
need our erections. James 
McCary wrote in Human 
Sexuality, “Lesbians . 

are more likely to reach 
orgasm than heterosexual 


women are, and are twice as 
likely to be multiorgasmic 

оп each sexual occasion as the 
latter. This finding confirms 
the conclusions of Masters and 
Johnson that orgasm, 
multiple orgasm, and greater 
intensity of response in a wom 
an are all more likely through 
masturbation or digital 
manipulation than through 
sexual intercourse.” 

Not only that, for a how 
de-do, but even if the parties 
accede to the traditional form, 
the male and female orgasms 
are at cross-purposes. To at 
tain the masculine state of 
grace accruing to the act of 
giving a woman orgasms, a 
man must refrain from having 
his. The longer a man can 
keep it up—that is, postpone 
his own orgasm—the more he 
can deliver to the woman 
It may seem a cruel hoax 
As our culture would have it, 


the best lays among women 
are those who come and come; 
the best studs are those who 
don’t. In that regard, a 
Turkish naval officer named 
Mehmet, a man of obviously 
iron discipline, has a reputa 
tion for studdery unmatched 
in my notes. His gig is not 

to come at all. His price for 
such an unselfish evening 

is to spend several succeeding 
hours in stif-legged waddling 
pain we call blue balls. “It is a 
matter of pride with me, 
he said in his exotic inflections 
while unable to bend 


over to untie his shoes 
As Masters and Johnson 

have said, "Cultural demand 

has played a strange trick on 


the two sexes. Fe: 
of performance in the 
female have been directed 
toward orgasmic attainment, 
while in the male the fears of 
performance have related to- 
ward the attainment and main 
tenance of penile 

So those two probers pro. 
claim the primacy of the 
erection. Erections are the 
chief ballistic missiles in our 
offense, the Maginot lines of 
our defense. Erections, like 
pride, are associated with 
aggression (compared with the 
passive maw of the cunt) 
Vikings, it is said, w 
battle with their penile heads 
held high, It was a sign 
of fearlessness 

For the greatest threat to 
an erection is fear. Fear and 
erections are as compatible 
as fire and water 

The postulate is this: What 
men are most afraid of these 
days is what state their 
masculinity Though 
erections are physical, man 
hood, for which they stand, is a 
state of mind, “the con 
tinuing battle of one’s life,” 

5 Norman Mailer says, the 
surmounting of an endless 
series of challenges that to 
gether comprise the goal. And 
if the goal, like sainthood, 
has always been impossible 
to achieve, it has been for the 
same reason a lifetime cause 
Now the cause, the pursuit 
of which 
develop 
ald stand tall, is in disrepute 

While it has never been 
а picnic to be a man under 


ction. 


nt into 


is in. 


allowed us to 
n ego by which we 


« 


the best of circumstances, 
today we are engulfed by a 
storm of anomie that makes 
it, at best, worse. 

Men and women dress 
alike and have long hair 
male cosmetics аге a multi 
million-dollar 
ing the female lines; men sit 
before their TVs and roll up 
their (continued on page 212) 


business rival 


as mrs. freud finally said to her husband: “what does a man want?” 


1. A. This топ knows women are 
frail vessels; he holds the 
door open because she's too 
weak to do it. 

. They're headed for his pad; 
after a quick bang, he'll send 
her out to do his laundry. 

. This recently liberated man 
opens the door, remembers 
the oppression of women, 
starts to let И go—and 
freezes in indecision. The 
woman loses patience and 
goes out the back exit. 


. This is: 

А. а women's consciousness- 
raising group that's been 
invaded by loutish men with 
only one thing on their 
minds. 

B. а family picnic in Darien. 

C some of the boys who've 
gotten together to have а 
few brews and watch the 
Vikings stomp the Cowboys. 

D. а mop of downtown Berlin. 


. You and your girlfriend are at an elegant New York restaurant with a 
tremendously chic crowd. A handsome man ot a nearby toble first throws a 
roll at your girlfriend, then follows it up with a provocative note. How 
do you react? 

A. ignore him ond make some devastating remark about his lock of 
breeding 
B. punch him out 
C. suggest to your girlfriend that she punch him out 
D. suggest to him that you both go over to the baths, find a nice steam 
room and settle this like men 
. to hell with New York—move to Peoria 


2. A. The топ and the woman} 
were washed ashore on a 
romantic beach and spent] 
the night making the earth 
move. 

. The guy scored with this 
broad; she's thinking about 
a wedding, he’s wondering 
if her sister'll put out. 

The womon scored with this 
guy; he's afraid she won't 
respect him anymore, 

. The man just ate the wom- 
оп'ѕ bikini underpants, 


4. These оге: 
A. hopelessly oppressed by men 
В. mammary glands (ог nour- 
ishing infants 


D. not my fault; | never sow 
them before 
E a dynamite set of charlies 


. What 1 most need іп а relationship with a woman is: 
A. kindness and understanding 
B. help in raising my consciousness 
C big tits 
D. kindness, understanding & occasional blow job 
‚ The vagina is: 
A. Eros’ golden bower 
B. actually very tasty, no matter what anyone says 
C. a little girl who needs to be reassured there is a Sonta Claus 
D. а pervert’s term for cunt (continued on page 240) 


Since 1971, Gay Talese has been seen in nudist communes 
marriage clinics, singles bars and just about every 
where else, talking to people for his next book, “Sex in 
America,” scheduled for completion sometime next year 
PLAYBOY: Would you take a guess at how many men you've 
talked to in the course of researching the be 

TALESE: Hundreds, perhaps thousands so far. They would 
include men living in small towns, urban co-ops, nudist 
communes with wives or lovers; dozens of men waiting in 
massage parlors; and dozens of men, too, on airplanes and 

nt in motel bars 
PLAYBOY: How are they doing’ 
TALESE: A lot of them are very lonely, especially the men 


gad, it’s an erection! there goes the neighborhood 


1 USED To CALL мїм Ronnie the Walking B AIG KA When he opens his mouth, you half expect 
y CR RPEL o imagine my sur- 


Erection. He's a 24-year-old disc jockey and 

he lives in Coconut Grove, Florida, and every time I went 
over to his house, when the bedroom door finally opened, 
there would be a different naked female sprawled on his 
water bed, dazed from the onslaught of his awesome 
Bratwurst—while he was in the bathroom shaving for his 
next heavy date of the evening. Ronnie actually bears a 
striking résemblance to an erect penis, his compact, muscu- 
lar body the turgid shaft, his flushed face the engorged glans. 


on the road. You see them sitting around after dinner in the 
bar of a Marriott Hotel in a small city where the cocktail 
waitress is the only symbol of sex around the place 

PLAYBOY: Do you find them hard to talk to? 

TALESE: No, in part because the work that I do makes me 
one of them—makes me a man on the road, too. And also be 
cause men are more open and revealing than they might have 


been 10 or 15 years ago. Psychoanalysis; self-confession 


marriage-therapy clinics, which are to be found all over the 


country; massage parlors—all represent an admission of need 
Going off the sidewalk and up two flights of stairs to a massage 
parlor is clearly a matter of acknowledging the need for com- 


munication, the need to be touched. And these needs have 


him to spurt all over you. 
prise when my man leaned across the table in Wolfie’s Celeb- 
rity Corner, looked to the left, looked to the right and asked 
me in a confidential tone if I thought he was impotent. 

For the first time in his life, Ronnie had fallen in love, 
with a model a few years older than he who had lost her 
husband in a tragic accident, The night before, they had 
gone to bed for the first time and his hunk of love refused 
to burn. I'd seen this penetrably (continued оп page 206) 


been tremendously publicized in the media, so the man does 
not feel that his problems are unique or shameful 

PLAYBOY: Are there types of men, by age or by class, who are 
particularly unwilling to open up? 

TALESE: Well, for example, the blue-collar worker, whether 
he’s rural or urban, is much concerned with his ego and does 
not want to admit frailty in any way. His attempt at vulgar 
ity—the whole macho pose—does not belie the fact that he 
is often pretty unsure of himself sexually. He goes to skin 
flicks and sometimes to massage parlors but is not liberated in 
the sense that he'd want oral sex with his wife—but that is 
changing somewhat. The skin flicks that he does see show oral 
sex regularly, and even though he (continued on page 234) 


154 


N A FAIRLY COMMO) 
with their small sons 


American scene, men, perhaps 
long for the thrills, sit in 
bleachers by the lake or the river or the airfield just 
outside town, waiting a little impatiently for the show 
to begin. It is midsummer; the day is miserably hot 


and the vendor's hot dogs sit on the stomach like а 
load of wet clay. The kids are getting restless. Heads ache 
with boredom and the heat. Then the loud-speaker comes to 
life and heads turn, eyes strain to catch the first glimpse 
of the planes. 

They come by so fast that even the awesome statistics 
published about them in the program haven't really pre 
pared the audience. Because their planes burn fuel so 
ferociously, The Blue Angels can perform for only a few 
minutes. But in that time, they put on a show that has 
young boys marveling and leaves their fathers with mingled 
feelings of regard and regret. Some of the men are almost 
certainly thinking: 1/ it just hadn't been for the bad eyes 
If I'd been a little better at math 1 1 hadn't serew 
up and gotten her pregnant... .. (perhaps even) If 1 could've 
just gotten the hang of formation flying. All of them try 
not to think: If I'd only had more guts 

At home that night, some man who watched the show is 
thinking of lost chances, rerunning that final maneuver in 


his mind: the improbably big machines climbing almost 
straight up, a fleur-de-lis of Skyhawks trailing white smoke. 
He quietly asks his wife to get him a beer 

Yes, my lord and master, she tells him sourly, Ог: Get 
your own goddamned beer 

Probably he gets his own goddamned beer. The Blue 
Angels, he imagines, aren't putting up with that kind of 
shit. They are no doubt sitting in some dark air-conditioned 
bar having a few and enjoying the attention of really ap 


preciative women. Lesser men, their mechanics, are gett 
the planes ready for the next show. (Knights should ha 
their livery; that’s only right, he thinks.) It is a slow corro 


sive evening in our dreamer’s soul. If he ever played foot 
ball, went through basic training, took an overnight hunting 
s it better than it was and the biggest part 
of what he remembers is that there were only men. Cama 


trip, he rememb 


raderie, buddies, grab ass, death and danger. Right now, 
he'd like as much as anything to do something dangerous, 
survive it and retell it to his companions around a table 
that night 

The way the world has gone, there are precious few 
chances left for him even if he’s young enough to take ad 
vantage of them. Women’s lib took root in fecund soil 
There aren't many things that men do nowadays that women 


can't do with equal competence. Nobody cared much about 


equal opportunities for clearing the wilderness or taming 
the West or putting the boot to the Nazis 

That's all changed. And like every other change, it came 
at a cost. Something had to be left to wither ог be ampu 
tated—depends on how big of a hurry you are in. The 
academics call it male bonding and make it sound like some 
quaint unfinished evolutionary business like the appendix 
or wisdom teeth. The women are a little more contemptu- 
ous. There are even a lot of men who see the whole thing 
as kind of silly and juvenile at worst and arch at best. Burt 
Reynolds as а barely tolerable throwback in Deliverance 

There's hope, though. Out across the land (but you've 
got to know where to look if you're going to find them). 
there are men who say “Screw "em" or who just don't pay 


the whole thing any attention at all. Like the last rene 
Confederates who wouldn't quit, even in 
instead went to Mexico or Brazil to re-create pl 
society or stayed in the Southwest and fought on as bandits, 
they are stalwarts, holdouts. If you look close enough, you 
can see virtue in their stubbornness. One of them or one of 
their ancestors first murmured the fighting words: “Fuck 
him! He can kill me, but he can’t eat me.” Well, there are 


lost cause, and 


nation 


still some men whose only business, it seems, is to remind 
other men of how it can be—or how it once was. Let из 
now praise macho men, May their tribe increase, even 
though we all know it won't, Read about ‘em and weep. 
NASCAR drivers—and fans—take their racing st 
It started on old dirt tracks and was pretty m 
finding out which hillbilly in the county drove the 


ght 
a way of 


м 
саг without tying up the public roads for an hour or two. 
And before that, it was a contest to see who could most 


advan 
tage of headlights, sirens and the full sanction of the law 
while you handicapped yourself with 150 gallons of D: 


often outrun Federal agents, they driving with the 


йу» 
ng since last weekend. 
» when the 
roads back in the North Carolina hills festered with cars 
whose business it was either to get the whiskey through 
or to stop it, Compared with that, sailing around an oval 
“superspeedway” drafting the fellow you got drunk with 
last night is almost easy. Junior Johnson, one of the best 


very best squeezin’s that had been 


There were nights not so very m: 


ny years а 


seven places where 
men are men and women better be ladies 


Hangin 
Pui 


ever on the old dirt tracks, did a little time in the Federal 
slam at Chillicothe for moonshining, but they didn't catch 
him out on the road, so it wasn't anything for him to be 
ashamed of and he doesn’t hold any grudges. These days 
he builds cars for Cale Yarborough, who stays pretty close 
to Richard Petty most races, Junior also sells some of the 
best pieces from his fried-chicken franchise out in the infield 
during a race. 

Not many of the boys run any corn these days, because 
with the money there is in racing, they don't have to. But 
they're not exactly putting on any airs, either. They don't 


take racing seriously the way th 
wh 


se old boys over in Europe 
put Count in front of their names do. It's hard even 


to ima 


ine Daryl Dieringer talking about his fear of death 
or about what secret and shameful thing it is that makes 


him go out and risk life and (continued on page 232) 


...BUT SOMETIMES 
YOU WOMEN ARE 
A PAIN IN THE ASS! 


By MARK TWAIN Ribald Cl 


some thoughts on the science of onanis 


One evening in Paris in 1879, The Stomach Club, a society of American writ- 
ers and artists, gathered to drink well, to eat а good dinner and to hear an ad- 
dress by Mark Twain. He was among friends and, according to the custom of the 
club, he delivered a humorous talk on a subject hardly ever mentioned in public 
in that day and age. After the meeting, he preserved the manuscript among 
his papers. It was finally printed in a pamphlet limited to 50 copies 64 years later. 


MY GIFTED PREDECESSOR has warned you against the “social evil—adultery.” In his able 
paper he exhausted that subject; he left absolutely nothing more to be said on it. But 
I will continue his good work in the cause of morality by cautioning you ast that 
species of recreation called self-abuse to which I perceive you are much addicted. АП 
great writers on health and morals, both ancient and modern, have struggled with 
this stately subject; this shows its dignity and importance. Some of these writers have 
taken one side, some the other 

Homer, in the second book of the Iliad, says with fine enthusiasm, “Give me mas- 
turbation or give me death.” Caesar, in his Commentaries, says. “To the lonely it is 
company; to the forsaken it is a friend; to the aged and to the impotent it is a bene- 
factor. They that are penniless are yet rich, in that they still have this majestic 
diversion.” In another place, this experienced observer has said, “There are times 
when I prefer it to sodomy.” 

Robinson Crusoe says, “I cannot describe what I owe to this gentle art.” Queen 
Elizabeth said, “It is the bulwark of Virginity." Cetewayo, the Zulu hero, remarked, 
the bush.” The immortal Franklin has said, “Mas- 
n is the mother of invention.” He also said, "Masturbation is the best policy.” 

Michelangelo and all the other old masters—"old masters,” I will remark, is an 
abbreviatio nguage. Michelangelo said to Pope 
Julius I, “Self-negation is noble, self-culture beneficent, self-possession is manly, but 
to the truly great and inspiring soul they are poor and tame compared with self 
buse.” Mr, Brown, here, in one of his latest and most graceful poems, refers to it in 
an eloquent line which is destined to live to the end of time—"None know it but to 
love it; none name it but to praise.” 

Such are the utterances of the most illustrious of the masters of this renowned 
science, and apologists for it. The name of those who decry it 
they have made strong arguments and uttered bitter speeches against it—but there is 
not room to repeat them here in much detail. Brigham Young, an expert of incontest- Î 
ble authority, said, “As compared with the other thing, it is the difference between 
nd the lightning.” Solomon said, “There is nothing to recommend 
it but its cheapness.” Galen said, “It is shameful to degrade to such bestial uses that 
grand limb, that formidable member, which we votaries of Science dub the Major 
Maxillary—when they dub it at all—which is seldom. It would be better to amputate 
the os frontis than to put it to such use.” 

The great statistician Smith, in his report to P 
more children have been wasted in this way than in 
that the high antiquity of t 
think its harmfulness de 


"A jerk in the hand is worth two 
turb: 


a contraction—have used similar 


“The trouble was I was hot 
and he was in heat.” 


nd oppose it is legion; 


гі! 


ment, says, “In my opi 
ny other.” It cannot be denied 
art entitles it to our respect: but at the same time, I 
nds our condemnation. Mr. Darwin was grieved to feel 
obliged to give up his theory that the monkey was the connecting link between man 
d the lower animals. I think he was too hasty, The monkey is the only animal, ex- 
cept man, that practices this science; hence, he is our brother; there is a bond of sym 
pathy and relationship between us. Give this ingenuous animal an audience of the 
proper kind and he will straightway put aside his other affairs and take a whet; and 
you will see by his contortions and his ecstatic expression that he takes an intelligent 
and human interest in his performance 
The si 


їз of excessive indulgence in this destructive pastime are easily detectable 
They are these: a disposition to eat, to drink, to smoke, to meet together convivially, 
to laugh, to joke and tell indelicate stories 


and mainly, а yearning to paint pictures 
The results of the habit are: loss of memory, loss of virility, loss of cheerfulness and 
loss of progeny 
Of all the various kinds of sexual intercourse, this has least to recommend it. As 
ап amusement, it is too fleeting: as an occupation, it is too w 
tion, there is no money in it. It is unsuited to the draw 
cultured society it has long since been banished fro 
in our day of progress and improvement, been degraded to brotherhood with fatu- 
lence. Among the best bred, these two arts аге now indulged in only in private— 
by consent of the whole company, when only males are present, it is still 
ble, in good society, to remove the embargo on the fundamental sigh. 
My illustrious predecessor has taught you that all forms of the “social evi 
ıd. I would teach you that some of these forms аге more to bi 
in concluding. Î say, 


ng; as a public exhibi 
room, and in the most 
1 the social board. It has at last, 


are 
voided than others 
f you must gamble away your lives sexually, don't play 
а lone hand too much." When you feel a revolutionary uprising in your 

system, get your Vendôme Column down some other way—don’t jerk it down, ÈD 


THE VARGAS GIRL 


SAFETY FAST 


sleek, sexy and overprotective, the bricklin is trying to gull-wing its way into america’s heart 


what was 
w automo: 


From its interior 


Dale Carne 
ack at it 
ith 
candard: 
ether by tran 
into a legiti 
rted-car field 
ая attemy 
Man 


ady to roll (bel 


` Lis ss Г 


5% 


PLAYBOY 


160 


DONA CAL KE 
(continued from page 145) * 


Up to your... well, up to your ears, let's 
say. According to our Extrapol Projection 
here on my blotter, he's got you lined up 
for his little talk show this very evening,” 

Obscene phone calls are often accom 
panied by heavy breathing, sometimes at 
both ends of the line. Rosemary's boun 
tiful bosom rose and fell. It did so only 
slightly and only once. but it was like 
the soft swell of that unusual wave that 
tells of an upheaval in the distant deeps, 
She was left with just breath enough to 


ask, “But how сап you possibly know 
tha?” 
“Psychology in crime prevention, Miss 


Underwood. You'd call this man a low- 
down, disgusting pervert. We call him 
the obsessivecompulsive type. In а case 
like that, you Jock into his operating 

тп; then it’s just locate, arrive, are 
Now, we've just got wise to what 
individual's hung up оп, In his case 
Iphubetical order, and that lands 
п right on your doorstep.’ 
I'm afraid I don't follow 

“In the phone book. The single ladies, 
In Rosebay, it was Mis Daniels on 
Monday, Miss Jackson Tuesday, Miss 
Roberts, Miss Rutherford, and tonight it 
would be Miss Taylor, only it seems like 
our man’s а bit of а peeper as well; we've 
observed he passes up all but the good- 
lookers. So we figure you're next in line, 
Just by way of briefing, Miss Underwood, 
he chooses what we might call the cock- 
tail hour, doubtless hoping to strike it 
lucky with a lady who's had a snilter or 
two and lost her inhibitions. We've get- 
ting into the time slot now when he's due 
to be giving you a tinkle.” 

“Thank you for the warning. Licuten- 
ant. I shall hang up immediately." 

“Tha's the very thing we're calling 
you to ask you not to do.” 

“Not to hang up? OF course 1 shall 
hang up. What else do you expect? 
Whitt sve you asking of me? 

“We're asking you for time, Miss Un- 
deswood. Precious time, on behalf of the 
community. Time to get a fix on this un- 
savory Фигасег, usin 
tion techniques to 


electronic detec 


cite the instrument 
he’s operating on, make the snatch and rid 
society of one who tends to deprave and 
corrupt, How сап we do that if you hang 
up on him, Miss Underwood?" 
“You want me to listen 10 whatey 
chooses to say to me? 


rhe 


спу as an act of public service,” 
m sorry, I definitely will not be 
subjected ло а torrent of absolute filth, 
Lieutenan 
‘ou definitely will not be subjected 
to a torrent of absolute filth, Miss Under- 
d.” 

“But you've just asked me to keep on 
listening. 


w 


“Not to filth. Erotic romancing I'd 
prefer to call it, Not а fourletter word 
in the whole program, Well, maybe just 
one or wo when he's all steamed up 
right at the end, but reports agree that 
these are indistinctly uttered and barely 
audible. Anyway, that’s the moment we 
make the pounce, Having waited for the 
medical evidence, if you want me to be 
ientific about it, 
“Licutrenant Mackintosh, I'm afraid I 
ауе no truck whatever with this dis- 
gusting creature.” 

“Now, hold your horses, Miss Under- 
wood! Call him a dirty rotten pervert— 
that's your privilege. But disgusting may 
be too strong а word. Гуе got his com- 
posite word picture here on my blotter, 
boiled down from what all the ladies say. 
Туре: professional or artistic. Voice: 
sensitive yet virile. Choice of vocabu- 
lary—get this: refined, poetic. Complain- 
ants’ being asked to freely associate in 
terms of charm rating and good appear- 
ance with imaginary line-up of well- 

stars, Paul D i 
by a landslide, That's ihe gent 
Who'll soon be engaging you in a little 
light conversition, 

“Conve Are you suggesting 
now that 1 should reply to him? In his 
terms, perhaps?” 

“We can't have him thir 
to some frigid square, now, can we, Miss 
Underwood? Or ill be him hanging up 
before we can trace the call, much less 
lay hold of him, So if you could bring 
yourself to play ball just a litle, just 
enough to keep him sort of spellbound, 
that’s all wı sking of you. And we'd 
certainly appreciate it,” 

“I'm afraid you've come to the wrong 
type of person, Lieutenant. 1 wouldn't 
Know how to help you at all.” 

“Not with all those new books you 
carry nowadays in the library, Miss Un- 
derwood? I'm sure you could recollect 
ı passages that would be а real in- 
ation to you. 

don't like that sort of suggestion, 
Lieutenant, 

“Well. miss, for your information and 
strictly oll the record, we happen to 
know about those books, because the 
been brought to our attention her 
headquarters. 

“And for your informatio: 
ant, each of those books has be 
by the committee to possess redeeming 
social value 

“Please don't think I'm trying to pres- 
sure you, Miss Underwood. It’s just that 
I'm thinking of the social value of the 
pure young schoolgirls this monsteri 
soon be pouring his insidious poison 
into the irs of, Take it from 
те, you're last of the adult ladies in 
all the four villages. Next time around, 


сеш 


itll be the fresh litle flowers he'll be 
depraving and corrupting з 
psychological 
see it in their faces as you go along 
the street?” 

Rosemary, remembering a gentl 
with a flashlight encountered in her саг 
liest teens, was forced to admit that she 
didn't want that at all, “How long would 
this business take if I were to consent 
to it?” 

“Oh, not long. Not long at all. And, 
like 1 said, a well-chosen word or two 
from you would go far in speeding 
things up. Think of the satisfaction of 
hearing him pounced 

"I see no sort of satisfaction from any 
angle, However, if 1 must, 1 must, How 
will you know when this person is in 
uch with me?” 

ИЛ! be any minute now. Just pull 
down your blind when the phone rings. 
Our radio car will see it. And leave the 
rest to me.” 

“I hope I shan't let you down 

“Believe me, Miss Underwood, we 
have faith in you as a great litte trouper 
who's going to put on a real sizzling 
show. And in the name of your local law 
enforcement, and the whole community 
at large, I want to thank you in advance 
for —" 


the receiver while 
the gratitude and 


it was still dr 
platitudes of the fuzz 

She looked around her beloved house 
as if to e herself that nothing had 
changed. The menace was ftom outside: 
outside, in the soft evening. beyond win- 
dawpanes washed to a bright nothing 
ness, stood her little, sweetly scented 
front garden, guarded by a picket fence 
as innocently white as the whitest lace, 

Within, the furniture, simple. fragile, 
borderline antique, stood all in place 
and shone like the faces of a company of 
Sunday-school children. Even the clock- 
face was clearer and more cmdid. the 
very air seemed purer, and the covers 
and drapes softer and fresher. than in 
other rooms. 

What a filthy mess you would have 
made, my friend. with your clumsy great 
shoes and your stinking pipe, had you 
somehow managed to penetrate this 
sweet tranquillity! But at this point of 
time, no such unseemly intrusion had 
curred. Why, then, did all this sp 
virtue look back at Rosemary, it seemed 
reproachfully. as if she had opened an 
entrance to the enemy? 

What entrance? And what enemy? 
She suddenly saw it was that double 
agent. the telephone. Hitherto, it had 
rested on the table by the couch as inno- 
cent as а sea shell, murmurous only with 
the harmless gossip of the four villages. 
Now it had all the look of one of those 
villainous Oriental bottles from which at 

(continued on page 199) 


assu 


parody By REG POTTERTON i think, therefore i am president—but not at the same time, please 


1 Ам A BRAIN. Compared with me, other wonders of 
the universe fade into insignificance. Nothing ever in- 
vented by man—with the possible exception of the 
sash weight—matches the intricacy of my construction 
or the speed and precision with which I perform essen- 
tial tasks. I am about three pounds of gray-and-white 
stuff having the consistency of warm rice pudding, 
and my remarkable circuitry, if unraveled in a contin- 
uous line, would outdistance that of the most sophisti- 
cated flashlight, unless it were one of those with a 
built-in flasher, in which case I'd be a close second. 

My component parts are staggering: some 17 neu- 
rons and almost twice as many cells, some of which 
work around the clock. I can add, take away, fall 
down, remember happy tunes and go to lunch—and 
all this fitted into the crown of a size-five fedora! I am 
incredible! I am Jerry Ford's brain. Lately, I've been 
feeling quite tired, 

I'm not just part of Jerry—I am Jerry! His personal- 
ity, his reasoning process, his reactions, his entire men- 
tal apparatus! I taught him how to place one foot in 
front of the other and how to use his legs in order to 
move his shoes from room to room. It took 45 years. 1 
taught him how to use his ears for hearing, his eyes for 
seeing and his fingers for touching, achievements that 
Jerry, after some lingering confusion, mastered as one 
to the manner born, I taught him to know when he 
was standing up and when he was sitting down; I tell 
him when he’s hungry and when he's got the sniffles; 
I govern his sex urges and all his funny little moods, 
including his recent tendency to lock the door of his 
office in the White House and run salad greens 
through the document shredder, Perhaps my greatest 
accomplishment since he became President was teach- 
ing Jerry how to face up to the lonely burden of his 
immense official problems and hope that they would 
go away before it got dark. 

My job is to tell Jerry what's happening out there— 
or, rather, how to respond to the information re- 
trieved by the senses I control. Most of the time he 
pays attention, but now and then he wanders off into 
some odd corner of the mind—that’s me!—and dreams 
about the days when his world was simpler and his 
biggest problem in life was remembering that Demo- 


crat means donkey and Republican means elephant. 
Everything's changed radically since then, and now I 
have to be in there constantly, urging and prodding, 
and reminding Jerry to chew his food twice and not to 
follow the print with his index finger. 

Naturally, І am the first to handle all incoming 
data—and you should see the volume! It's terrific. Mes- 
sages from the Kremlin and other world capitals, situa- 
tion reports from our embassies and an unending flow 
of minor and major questions from every branch of 
local and Federal Government here in the United 
States. How do I cope with it? Simple. 

Inside me, at the heart of message-control center, 
multiple streams of information are relayed to the cor- 
tex, where they are defined and categorized automati- 
cally and then hastily rescrutinized for some kind of 
meaning, or, as Jerry's Presidential manual puts it, 
“further implications.” Once this process is complete, 
my job is over, and it’s then up to Jerry to draw on his 
vast reflexive and intellectual capacities to take the 
next step. In most cases, the next step is a deep and in- 
stantaneous sleep, but there are exceptions. One thing 
he never neglects is his correspondence course from 
the Yo-yo Academy, and he always finds time some- 
where in his crowded daily schedule for an off-the- 
record chat with Roland, his pet radish. 

Let's look at some examples of what I do for Jerry, 
bearing in mind the exciting notion that what I do for 

can have compelling effects on the lives of 
untold millions! Suppose it's raining and Jerry has to 
go outside; maybe he feels like rolling an egg on the 
lawn. Naturally, being President, he doesn’t want to 
get wet. What does he do? Nothing to it! Under my 
subtle encouragement, he simply pushes one of several 
buttons on his desk and within minutes either a highly 
trained White House minion will be submitting a req- 
uisition to the kitchen for one egg, rolling, use of, or 
the Western democracies will be plunged into an in- 
surmountable economic crisis. 

Or we сап take a more complicated instance, the 
kind where all my faculties and resources are brought 
to bear on a situation that may or may not determine 
the future of civilization as we know it. Let's imagine 
that an unidentified enemy (concluded on page 176) 


PLAYBOY 


APLACE TO AVOID („соо > 


nothing about it, But, of course, they lied. 
They were hiding the partisans and that 
couldn't be allowed, you see.” 


nd so. . ..” Bauer's voice sank. He 
spoke so softly that Giachetti had trouble 
understanding all tha “The com- 
mandant ordered a rep xteen men 
of the village were executed by a firing 
squad.” Bauer glanced up expectantdy, 
but Giacheui said nothing, He stared 
down at the floor, not wanting to look 
at Bauer's face. “It’s a small village 
Bauer went on. “I suppose damned near 
every family there lost a brother or 
uncle or someone. But 1 wasn't person- 
ally involved in it. It was my regiment, 
yes, but 1 was just an ordinary soldier 
and Thad nothing to do with the execu- 
tions. That’s what you've got to make 
clear to those people.” He shook his head 
muzzily. “They're taking revenge on me, 
Giachetti. They want me to fail and be 
forced to withdraw, but they're wrong if 
they think that without me the project 
will be built. The whole thing is mine. 
I've organized the financial backing and 
I'm the one with the ideas and the initia- 
tive, and I've got the connections in 
Germany, so you can see that everything 
depends on my continuing here.” He sat 
smiling and nodding his head, “Tell 
them that, Giachetti, If I leave, this mis- 
erable little strip of shore will remain 
just the way it is—empty and useless. 
And then let them wy to get jobs and 
money out of those devils and spirits of 
theirs! Eh? Let them try that! 


In the days that followed, Bauer be- 
сите increasingly restless. He would go 
off for hours in the jeep. Sometimes 
Giachetti would see him bouncing along 
in the distance ov slopes: 
other times he w иг, driving 
up sweating and dusty, and go directly 
to the trailer. When he did remain at the 
site, he watched the bulldozer with a 
peculiar intensity, squinting his eyes and 
hunching his body forward cach time the 
machine strained to make another goug- 
ing scoop. Every so often, too. he would 
snatch up a pick and drive it deep into 
the soil, twisting it and wrenching it 
free, only to cast it aside and walk on. 
Sometimes he would go several steps out 
of his way to kick a clod of dirt or stamp 
on it with all his weight, crumbling it. It 
seemed to Giachetti that Bauer was vent- 
ing his frustration on the earth itself, 
as though in some obscure way he had 
accepted the legends of the village and 
recognized that the land and the spirits 
that dwelt in it were his enemies, to be 
gouged and trampled and overcome. 

But the work was finally going well. In 
a few more days the access road would 
be finished, ‘The bulldozer had begun to 
level the final part of it, creating a pla- 
teau where the central buildings of the 


project would be constructed, and one 
work gang was cutting a path down to 
the sea, Giachetti strode about with his 
clipboard under his arm, relieved that 
things were moving so smoothly and tak- 
ing satisfaction in the sounds of work— 
the whines of the earth mover, the shouts 
of the men and the occasional ring of 
metal against rock. 

It was late one afternoon when he real- 
ized that the workers had stopped. They 
were standing immobile, gazing up 
toward the promontory. Giachetti looked 
that way, too. Hallway up the slope, 
Bauer was skidding the jeep along in 
spurts of dust, working a diagonal course 
toward the pine grove on the summit. 

The capo came over to Giachetti, ges- 
turing, and after a few hasty words with 
him, Giachetti hurried off at a trot. It 
took him 15 minutes to scramble up 
through the brush to where the jeep had 
halted. Bauer had gotten out and he was 
cursing. Some rocks blocked his way. 

“Better not go up.” Giacheui said 
when he arrived, sweating and short of 
breath, Bauer scowled at him question- 
ingly. “They've stopped work down 
there,” Giachetti added, pointing at the 
men below, “The саро says if you go on, 
they'll quit." 

Bauer mopped his face. “I can’t get 
up this way anyhow," he grumbled. He 
turned, his eyes searching the slope 
Back there, though, it might be easier 
“Listen,” Giachetti said, “you'd better 
not go up at all—not until the job is 
finished. Just a couple of days more.” 

Bauer looked up at the pines. “Un 
luogo da evitare?” he remarked sarcasti- 
cally, “Well, this is my land now, and 1 
can go anywhere on it 1 damned well 
please—I'll prove that to those peasants, 
God—and if there аге any devils up 
there, I'll give them a good German kick 
into the sea!” He stared broodingly down 
the slope at the men on the construction 
plateau, Then he turned and climbed 
back into the jeep. "АП right, Giacheni. 
Get them back to work.” He started th 
engine and began backing the jeep down 
to а point where he could turn it around. 
n't go up today,” he shouted. “You 
mise them that, Not today, 


That evening, when Giachetti stoppe 
ıt the trailer 10 make his report, Bauer 
for the first time offered him a drink 
“Sit down, Giachetti, sit de 
would you like? Beer? Whisk 
some ice, if you like.” His geniality 


seemed forced, though. He was restless 


and preoccupied. The trailer seemed too 
small to contain him as he moved about. 
Giacheni sat on a camp chair, holding 
his drink, and made his report. 

Bauer didn't pay much attention. “It’s 
strange. being back in Taly after all these 
years.” he said. “And living out here 
alone the way 1 do—even with Prinz,” 


e dog a rough pat 
ed.” He lifted 
nd took 


he added, giving 
“You come to feel iso 
his bottle of beer to his mouth 
a long pull at it. "There's nothing out 
there, I know that, Giachetti, But when 
you're alone, you can't help feeling 
though you're cut ой. You know—sur- 
rounded.” He smiled wryly, but his face 
was morose and his eyes kept flicking to 
the window and the door. “You were too 
young for the war, Giachetti, but it was 
like that then for из... being cut off in 
the darkness, living in a strange country, 
wing unfamiliar sounds, far from 
е, Oh, I wasn’t alone then, obviously. 
d my comrades and our loyalty to one 
another was a powerful force. We were 
like brothers in those days. And when 
one of us was killed .. . ah, it was terrible, 
terrible.” Bauer shook his head moodily 
and sighed, “I feel I can speak to you 
frankly, Сіаеһеці, We have much in 
common, after all. We are educated men. 
We are builders. There's a vast gulf be- 
tween us and those peasants... and even 
if you don't know from personal experi- 
ence what it was like during the war, I'm 
sure you can understand me when 1 tell 
you how it was to live on the very edge 
f death day after day, and night alter 


night, never knowing when the attack 
might come, and being strafed 
bombed. . , ." He closed his eyes for a 


few moments. When he spoke again. his 
voice was sharper and had a resentful 
edge to it. “In many ways, the worst 
thing of all was the untrustworthy atti 
tude of the people, Giacheui, We felt 
their hostility keenly. It made many of 
us bitter—alter all, we didn't want to 
be in Italy, I can assure you. И Mussolini 
had stayed out of the war, it would have 
been far better for both of из. With a 
neutral Italy,” he went on more rapidly, 
his eyes fixed on his visit “there 
wouldn't have been those diversions 
Africa and the Balkans, Germany would 
have had the strength to conquer Rus 
sia—we came damned close as it was! And 
then we could have made some sort of 
peace with England, you see, and the 
whole course of the war would have gone 
differently..." 

He went to the w 
Giachetti finished h 
position, preparing 
leave, but Bauer, sit 
again on the edge of the bunk, continued 

“The reprisal was a cruel thing, Gi 
cheui—but so was the murder of our 
les. The commandant was, I 
understand, severely reprimanded for his 
action, Sixteen lives for two—t was 
excessive, But if we hadn't done it, the 
murders would have continued. And 
then later reprisals would have been 
savage. There might have been execu- 
ns of women and children,” 
“That did happen,” Giachetti said 
shortly. 

“But probably not here. No, I think 

(continued on page 194) 


dow and gazed out. 
drink and shifted 
› rise and take his 
g down heavily 


two со 


Oklahoma quarterback Steve 
Davis breaks through the line 


оп a keeper play os the SUNDAY, MAY 1 


1974's best team, rout Texas 
52-13 in the 1973 meeting. 


sat sea on a dark n 
Dorsett fatherly advice. 
“No, man! You don't w 
weight! You're fine just like you 
something: You g 


те, Let me tell you 
ten pounds and you lose a 
half step of quickness and you're in trouble, You 
nds, you're a little bit quicker 
Ш of a sudden you're Васи 
w, man, 1 know!” 

In the hotel coffee shop, sleepy-eved patrons listen 
an effusive waitress expounding on her good for- 
having two star co 
her booth. Dorsett watches carefully, taking men- 
alles the waitress with just the 
ul suppressed 


Notre Dame : 
Southern Cal. ....10—1 


wees TO=1 lose that ten pe 


Louisiana State. 


‚ Penn State . 
1и mixture of detached 


yawns, Suddenly Dorsett’s hace lights up 
man! 1 just thought of something! We're gonna be 
inst cach other in our first home game. 
mna be some- 
nst A. D. East! 


South Carolina 
Texas A&M . 


Yeah,” says Davis, ” 
пу? WI be A. D. West ag 
We'll give those folks a reai show. 
d. they surely will, and we could not 

ı better confrontation to usher in 
ıt Davis Donen will hardly be 

» idea of what more 


Possible Breakthroughs: Mi- 
Florida (7-4); Arkan- 
sas (8-3); Colorado (7-4); 


the new season, P 
the only show in town. To 
10 look forward to this year, read on. 


ina State (8-3); Kent 
(10-1); Missouri (6-5); 
Florida (6-5); Purdue (7-4); 
Arizona State (8-4). 


cnn State is in no immediate danger of losi 


ıce of Eastern college football, but the 


pre-season 
prognostications 
‘or the top 
college teams 
and players 
across the nation 


yos BY ANSON MOUNT 


74. At 5:80 in the morning, 
Anthony Davis, USC's senior running star, and 
Anthony Dorsett of Pittsburgh, last season's mag- 
nificent freshman halfback. stroll across the lobby 
of a Chicago hotel. Their walk is regal and the 
colors of their high-fashion clothes could be seen 
ight, Davis is giving 


Lions seem toothless when compared with the 1973 
team. With most of hist year's enormous ollensive 
line gone, coach Joe Paterno will be forced to 
abandon his conservative running game, Quarter- 
back Tom Shuman and tight end Dan Natale 
return, but, unfortunately, last year’s top four 
wide receivers have graduated, Paterno abo must 
replace three departed NF. Localiber linebackers 
and two defensive backs. 

Last у tusbungh was the country’s Cinderella 
team. from a 1-10 record the year before to a 
6-1-1 season and a trip to the Fiesta Bowl. The 
Panthers were also the nation’s youngest te 
with 22 freshmen making the traveling squ 
Unquestionably. Pittsburgh will be much im- 
proved this year, with more experience, talent, 
speed and size, The schedule. however, will be 
tougher than last year’s and the clement of surprise 
is gone. Defensively, Pitt will be impressive (middle 
guard Gary Burley is especially able), but much 
work still has to be done with the offensive line 
and the passing game. Runner Anthony Dorsett 
wats the best in the country Там уса freshman; 
whether or not he reaches his awesome potential 
could depend on how much time he spends reading 
his press clippings and whether or not he masters 
УАШ at handling human relations 
with the people who block for him. 

Temple's 9-1 season in 
history and the Owls look even stron 
Unfortunately, they, too, face a vastly upgraded 
schedule. Coach Wayne Hardin insists that Steve 
Joachim is the best quarterback in the country. 
He also has а wealth of running backs to comple- 
ment the passing game and the defense will no 
longer be a major embarrassment. Philadelphians 
have awakened (text continued on page 166) 


73 was the best in its 
т this year. 


164 


PLAYBOY'S 1974 PREVIEW ALL-AMERICA OFFENSIVE TEAM 


Left to right, top to bottom: Ken Huff (68), offensive lineman, North Carolina; Marvin Crenshaw (73), offensive lineman, Nebraska; 
Tom Clements (2), quarterback, Notre Dame; Danny Buggs (8), receiver, West Virginia; Joe Washington (24), running back, Okla- 
homa; David Logan (88), receiver, Colorado; Bob Simmons (70), offensive lineman, Texas; Ricky Townsend (22), kicker, Tennessee; 
Barry Switzer, ptaysoy's Coach of the Year, Oklahoma; Dennis Harrah (71), offensive lineman, Miami (Florida); Rik Bonness (54), 
center, Nebraska; Anthony Davis (28), running back, Southern California; Anthony Dorsett (33), running back, Pittsburgh 


AN 7 


PLAYBOY’S 1974 PREVIEW ALL-AMERICA DEFENSIVE TEAM 


Left to right, top to bottom: Randy White (94), defensive lineman, Maryland; Greg Collins (50), linebacker, Notre 
Dame; Mike Patrick (59), punter, Mississippi State; Mike Williams (29), defensive back, Louisiana State; Roger Stillwell 
(91), defensive lineman, Stanford; Charles Hall (79), defensive lineman, Tulane; Ken Bernich (53), linebacker, Auburn; 
Pat Donovan (83), defensive lineman, Stanford; Dave Brown (6), defensive back, Michigan; Rod Shoate (43), lineback- 
er, Oklahoma; Robert Giblin (24), defensive back, Houston; Randy Rhino (23), defensive back, Georgia Tech. 


PLAYBOY 


166 


THE ALL-AMERICA SQUAD 


(listed in order of excellence at their positions, all have 
а good chance of making someone's All-America team) 


QUARTERBACKS: Condredge Holloway (Tennessee), Pat Haden (Southern California), 


Mitch Anderson (Northwestern), Dave Humm (Nebraska), Dennis Franklin (Michigan), 
John Sciarra (UCLA) 


RUNNING BACKS: Eric Penick (Notre Dame), Archie Griffin (Ohio State), Sonny Collins 
(Kentucky), Willard Harrell (Pacific), Mike Esposito (Boston College), Mike Strachan 
(lowa State), Woody Thompson (Miami, Florida), Brad Davis (Louisiana State), Louis 
Carter (Maryland) 


RECEIVERS: Pete Demmerle (Notre Dame), John McKay (Southern Cal.), Bennie Cunningham 
(Clemson), Dan Natale (Penn State), Pat McInally (Harvard), Larry Burton (Purdue) 


OFFENSIVE LINEMEN: Kurt Schumacher (Ohio State), John Nessel (Penn State), Steve Oster- 
mann (Washington State), Bob Blanchard (North Carolina State), Doug Payton (Colorado), 
Dan Jiggetts (Harvard), Dennis Lick (Wisconsin) 


CENTERS: Steve Myers (Ohio State), Lee Gross (Auburn), Jack Baiorunos (Penn State), 
Greg Krpalek (Oregon State} 


DEFENSIVE LINEMEN: LeRoy and Dewey Selmon (Oklahoma), Mike Fanning, Steve Nie 
haus (Notre Dame), Ken Novak (Purdue), Rubin Carter (Miami, Florida), Gary Burley 
(Pittsburgh), Tom Galbierz (Vanderbilt), Louie Kelcher (SMU), Ben Williams (Mississippi), 
Ecomet Burley (Texas Tech) 


LINEBACKERS: Richard Wood (Southern California), Woodrow lowe (Alabama), Steve 
Strinko (Michigan), Ralph Ortega (Florida), Theopilis Bryant (Kansas State), Bob Breunig 
(Arizona State), Ed Simonini (Texas A&M) 


DEFENSIVE BACKS; Neal Colzie (Ohio State), Mike Washington (Alabama), Mike Gow 
(Illinois), Jim Bradley (Penn State), Bob Smith (Maryland), Rollen Smith (Arkansas) 


KICKERS: Neil Clabo (Tennessee), Jose Violante (Brown) 


THIS YEAR'S SUPERSOPHS 


(Listed in approximate order of potential) 
Anthony Dorsett, running back 4 Өен анай а и 

Theopilis Bryant, linebacker ......... 
Raymond Clayborn, running back . . . 


. Pittsburgh 
Kansas State 
... -Texas 


Dan Beaver, place kicker ў , Ilinois 
Billy Lemons, offensive lineman ....Техоз A&M 
Sylvester Boler, linebacker Georgia 
Gene Washington, receiver 9 Georgia 
Gary Jeter, defensive lineman . -Southern California 
Wesley Walker, receiver . . . California 
Jesse Mathers, receiver . . Vanderbilt 
Billy Waddy, running back Colorado 
Shelton Diggs, receiver Southern California 
Wendell Tyler, running back UCLA 
Kiel Kiilsgaard, linebacker Idaho 
Gerald Skinner, offensive lineman Arkansas 
Walter Chapman, defensive lineman . . . -North Texas State 
Wilson Whitley, defensive lineman Houston 
Val Belcher, offensive lineman .. Houston 
Calvin Culliver, fullback Alaboma 
Адат Dube, defensive lineman .. -Lovisiana State 
Secdrick Mcintyre, fullback . Auburn 
Bill Copeland, running back Virginia 
Tony Benjamin, running back . $ Duke 
Mike Voight, running back . North Carolina 
Ken Callicutt, running back Clemson 


South Carolina 
- Miami, Florida 
„Memphis State 


Don Abraczinskas, defensive lineman 
Frank Glover, Jr., quarterback . 
Eary Jones, defensive lineman 


Mike Northington, running back . Purdue 
David Knowles, offensive lineman . Indiana 
John Jones, fullback . Minnesota 


to the fact that they have ап exciting 
football team and ticket sales are zoom 
i 
be one of the strongest teams in the East 
The key то West Virginia's success is 
the continued development of quarter 
back Ben Williams, Jr. But if he should 
falter, either of two ea 
Tom Loadman or Kirk Lewis, might be 
able to take over, There is an ample 
assortment of promising runners and 
PLAYBOY All-America receiver Danny 


as fans sense that the Owls will soon 


r sophor 


н is the best in college football. If 
Williams, Loadman or Lewis can get the 
THE EAST 
INDEPENDENTS 

10-1 Villanova 41 
8-3 Holy Cross 4-7 
6-4 Rutger 47 
65 б 3-7 
6-5 Syracuse 24 

Navy 4 Army 2-9 
IVY LEAGUE 


Yale 
Pennsylvania 


TOP PLAYERS: 


Esposito, Kruczek (Boston College); 

Ramsey (Villanova); Provost 
Jones, Pawlik (Rutgers) 
Syra 


Snickenberger 
Williams Beatrice, Violante 
Brown); , Moras 

Vaughn (Pennsylvania; 

(Harvard); Malone, Н J; Snicken 
berger (Princeton), Т bia) 


ball to him, the Mountaineers should 
wind up in a bowl game 


Defense will be Boston College's 
strong suit this fall while coach Joe Yuki 
ca rebuilds an offense gutted by р 


dua- 


tion. His biggest problem is fashio 
an offensive line to block for ru 
Mike Esposito. Junior quarterback Mike 
Kruczek has the tools to be another stellar 
performer 

Nine of Navy's offensive starters have 


shipped out, leaving runners Cleveland 
Cooper (the academy's all-time rushing 
leader) and Bob Jackson but very little 
else. In fact, Jackson moved to the vacant 
quarterback slot in spring practice. For 
tunately, some promising defenders were 
discovered during the spring drills 
Villanova’s new coach, Jim Weaver, 


faces the same problems that ruined last 


season: little depth and less experience, 
especially on the offensive unit, where 
only three starters return. A speedy de 
fense, built around tackle John Zimba 
and linebacker Steve Ramsey, is the 
Wildcats’ only hope as they face one of 
their toughest schedules 

Holy Cross enters the season with an 
offensive backfield of inexperienced 


“I know how you feel, dear, but my hands are lied by the regulations 
requiring al least three stewardesses on every airplane.” 


167 


untried freshmen. Bob 


ER HOR TO KEEP 
E Stee VAUR HEAD 


Mc 


ance at quarter 


back ma also be a 
proble eniors will start 1 к Ї 
On positi ide, the defensive pla em 1 Cont ce 1 {М TODAY'S MARKET 
toon returns nearly intact past В т. Runners СИ Chapa A м 
Nearl il ту offensive team Chuck H G B R 
graduated, and t nse didn't fare Lytle 1 
much better. So this will be a less than 1 k Denr Frank c ine si 
impressive year for the Scarlet Knight crumbling with н The rue stock Marker could hardly both lost.) Finally—and here it 
Colgate stopped trying to act like an lefensive backfield, featuring PLAYBO be simpler. There are just / gets only slightly more compli- 
Ivy League team and held its first spring \ll-America safe р, Brow i two ways a stock can cated—ther re just three 
practice in 20 It needed it. Most equally impressive. H ‹ go—up or down. There | kinds of stocks. 
af last season's highly productive offense small c in the Wolverine arm e just two emo- 1. There are stocks that the 
ч БӘЙЛЕ dire арена oi саран t tions that dominate the stitutions keep tabs on and 
goes. Wine кишш тш ксы = тана КЕШЕА ts agerly invest in. These are 
immediate help. е and it wi noth There are just two ways to called the top-tier stocks, be. 
rs а J make money in the cause they command р 
ake Th Ке сайын aia t Northwest market—divid mium prices— 
эп Гог making mistakes terback kel, but all the top 1 and capital gains. ч are several reasons why 
ons. The problem of iners return and Neal Miller should Р, And there are just К you should avoid them. 
olved with the arrival int fullback in the two kinds of investors (Read on.) 
1 hman runners, Fred league, Milt H 1 be th ee in the market—the “pub- @ „ There are other 
Gl Jenkin costly k У t i lic,” stocks the institu- 
ened ‘team's ‘one behind him. Holt will be щ the * tions follow but do 
LEY erg ETCH TSG. ы казаки иы к he bank trust dep not invest in with 
Srni e iy ШЫ Басри ИШ f т ments and mutual _ ny enthusiasm. These 
reshmen could start), but Syracuse is on All-America since Endicou Peab NDEN funds. (105 the ama- % * are the boring-but-visible 
1 1941. Both Mel Holt ar N teurs against the ү i stocks. Some of 
1 амо” 0-10 disas ful individuali Sai Harvard hi 
er for a while, but first тап. W мт › 1 м 
саг couch Homer promises an flakiest—and ing comb 
event u lory. Smith league.” The Crimson’s n problem i 
indi 1 serimentation lefen: t е 10 р n re 
am lines u ипе in Sep: At Cornell, coac k Musick mı 
ember w а single construct а new offense, for there i 
player will be in the same position he established successor passe 
tilled li саг. For ШШ Scot Gil Mark Aller Howeve « phomore 
logly, a defensiv irter in *73, will prob- runn Kevin S me 7 
ib} ‹ rte ick w ollensive Brian La hek 1 
1. wwe been ir 1 r m 
an € will be far more Princeton wi o climb out of the 
ned tha in t recent past Ivy Leagu ‘ong backfield 
1 eye on them; they should at Гелот Ц Snickenberger 
ту interesting team The Tige + 
of the exciting football pally on ho ‹ 
ames played anywhere are the weekly they can field тш di کڪ‎ 
bill of fave in the Ivy League. The only At Columbia, coach Bill Campbell а reinf ‹ ' ' 
monotony is Dartmouth's seemingly in. aces а full-scale rebuilding in his debut Veteran quar 
1 the championship. усаг. Camp р? will to 1 ‚аске! 
Т үкен бин р tena мын. AN ırterback. He'll also : 
do 1 juggling in his searcl ы 
че ar anes wale tie young runners made in time for the start of the season reer 
develop. Snickenberger, а 
roll-out has four capable receiv bre again 
ers, the best of is Tom Flemin bi > Missouri, Ohi 
the mo: te at Dartmouth pa , sit r Н Sime and МКМ 
ace ү чш каш naut, But appearance : ivin With a “Ре 
f for the Buckeyes have one weakness: The coach 5 ч 
The surprise team in the league could dropoff in player talent between the cether th ў к 5 
be Brown. The Bruins had their first win- first and second units is alarming. In and 
ning season in mı n ten years last fact, the secondstringers at have qute аз т = ч 
fall, so there is а new excitement among they are only about a he first- Boilermaker delighted 
he players. Nearly all the offense re- stringers оп the teams. with the resu сае Й 
turns, hopefully recovered from а tenden- Thus, should бое. PETET Мариб bu е ЖаГУ By ANDREW TOBIAS 
cy to fumble, and a horde of sophomore Buckeyes. they f jonents tacular sophom unners, Mike N 
аа lama ir р гече АА жалы? Де a ыы бм М к. ылы ыы ыыы Бн 5 simple rules for the small investor who could profit from them—but won’t 


PLAYBOY 


170 


chips, They are still blue chips 
$. And then there are the overwhelm 
majority of stocks that the institu 


tions neither follow nor invest їп but 
simply ignore. These are called the bot 
tom-tier stocks, bectuse they have been 
relegated to the pits. Some of them, under 


certain circumstances, may be worth your 
looking into, even though you've been 
burned in the market before 

All stocks fall into another three cate 
gories, аз well. ‘They are all either over 
Valued, fairly valued or undervalued. 

To suggest any correlation between 
these two sets of categories—to suggest, 
that is, that top-tier stocks are over- 
valued, middletier stocks fairly valued 
and bottom-tier stocks undervalued 
would, of course, be the height of over- 
simplification, not to mention financial 
heresy. SUN, it's a thought to keep in 
mind 

What is a stock worth? Market veter 
ans will tell you that a stock is worth 
whatever people are willing to pay for it 
с is determined by supply and de 


mand. If lots of people want it, it will be 
worth а lot 
won't be worth diddly-squat 


If everyone ignores it, it 


In recent years, for example, the insti 
tutions, which have accounted for most 
ol the action in the market, have been 


chasing a very few stocks. Therefore 
thes he top ti 0 
or “vestal vir "or “religions,” as they 


we called been worth a at 


deal, while most stocks have been worth 
very little 

But it is too simple to say that a stock 
is worth whatever people will pay for it 
to pay 
for a stock depends, in turn, on what 


becuse what people are willi 


they think it is worth. It is a circular def 
inition, and one that is used as a ration 


alization financial foolishness rather 


than ay a rational way to appraise value 

The value of a моск she 
nearly so subjective as, say, the value of 
и Picasso sketch or of a 19095 VDB 
Rather than entitli 


to some inestimable aesthetic pleasure or 


ild not be 


penny g its owner 
some irreplaceable rarity, a share of 
stock merely entitles the owner to a 
share of present and future profits. And 


where two paintings of equal size may 


reasonably command vastly different val 
ues, two companies of equal profits and 
prospects should not. Yet they do 

The market veteran will readily agree 
that this is irrational, but he will ask 
you, with a laugh, “Whoever said the 
stock market was rational?” 

That 1s the market veteran off the 
hook and may eliminate in his mind 
the need for t 


consuming, footnote 


“There's an inspector here from the Board of Health who 
would like to see the chicken soup.” 


fraught financial analysis. But there 


other market veterans who believe tha’ 


over the long run, rationality does рау 
olf in the market. Sooner or later, they 
say, bubbles burst: sooner or later, bar 


gains are ree 


ized as such. A company 
cınnot prosper forever without its share 
holders at some point benefit 

Indeed, if the market is driven by irra 
tionality to excesses of over 


and under 
valuation, as it surely is, then it is the 
rational man, they say, seci these ex 


cesses for what they are, who will be 


buying the excessively undervalued stock 
ind selling the excessively overvalued 
stock—and profiting from the swings in 
between. All of this, of course, assumes 
that a rational man can determine what 


и stock is “re 


у" worth 
differ. A company’s fu 
ture prospects—and even its current 


Rational т 


profits—are open to widely differing es 
timates and interpretations. Obviously 
no one сап answer precisely what a stock 
is worth. But that doesn’t eliminate the 


need to arrive at some rational valu: 


ty of setti 


nor the possi some reas 


able guidelines for d so 


What a stock is worth depends on the 
alternative 
able. It is a question of relative value 


investments that are avail 


These days, savings banks will pay you 
around eight percent for money you 
agree to leave 


1 deposit for a few years. 
In order to carn one dollar а year, there 
fore, you have to put up around 519 or 
513—ог around 12 or 13 times the carn 
ings you expect. This is the 


price-earning 


ratio” (or "p/e" or “mul 
tiple") you have heard so much about. An 


eight percent savings certificate “sells” at 
a multiple of 

Шат 
ings certificate “sells” for 12 or 13 times 
carnings—what should a stock sell for? 

On the one hand, a stock should sell 
for less, because it involves more risk 
Either the earnings or the stock price 


5 times earnings. 


k-free investment such as a sav 


may decline, or both. But, on the other 
hand, а stock should perhaps sell for 
al 
» or the stock 
price may increase, or both. In deciding 


how much more or less to pay for a stock 


more, because it involves more poten 


reward. Either the carnin 


than the $12 or $18 you pay for one dol 
lar а year of savingscertificate earnings 
one weighs the extra risk against the po 
tential for extra return. (OF course, the 
carnings from a savings certificate are 
paid out to you in full, while only a 


portion of the earnings from a share of 


stock—the dividend—is paid out. But 
the bird in the hand is taxable, while the 
bird in the bush is reinvested for you 


without your having to pay taxes on it 


first. The hope is that та 


agement can 


invest your earnings at least as profitably 
as you could yourself, though this is not 
always the case.) 

+ For stock in a moribund company 
likely to decline 


cach year right on into bankruptcy, you 


whose сагай 


see 


РЕМА К PROFILES 


(Pronounced Do-ers “White Label”) 


HOME: Chesapeake, Virginia 

AGE: 28 

PROFESSION: Architect/Urban Planner 
HOBBIES: Animated с 
tennis, Wine-making. 


LAST BOOK READ: “Capitalism, the 
Unknown Ideal” by Ayn Rand 

LAST ACCOMPLISHMENT: Preliminary 
design for Underwater Housing Development 
Study for human occupancy. 

QUOTE: “The urban planner in the 20th 
century must lead people from the world of the 
practical into the realm of dreams and then back 
again in a way that makes dr 
PROFILE: An individualist. A creative 

thinker. Optimistic about the future of mankind, 
yet concerned enough to take a leadership role. 


SCOTCH: Dewar's “White Label” 


rematography, 


ns possible.” 


~ 
~ 


Authenticate are rece Gane thousand ays 
to blend whiskies in Scotland, but few are authentic enough 
for Dewar's “White Label." The quality standards we set 
down in 1846 have never varied. Into each drop go only 
the finest whiskies from the Highlands, the Lowlands, the 


Hebrides. Dewar’s never varies. 


171 


PLAYBOY 


172 


“Let's consider your loan repaid, Miss Fairbanks; 
the installments are killing me!” 


uch, no matter how 


would not pay very 
od past earnings may have been. 

+ For stock in a company whose carn- 
ings seem about as likely to increase as to 
decrease—where risk and reward about 
cancel themselves out—you might expect 
to pay 12 or 13 times carnings. The 
truth is that lots of companies that seem 
to fit this rather unsensation 
n are currently selling for four to eight 
times their earnings. A bargain? 

+ For stock in a company whose earn- 
ings seem likely to be able to keep pace 
with inflation—no “real” growth, tl 
is, but growth in earnings, all the same- 
you might expect to pay more than the 
12 or 13 times earnings you pay for a 
savings certificate, whose earnings do 
not increase with inflat In fact, 
though, lots of companies that seem to 
fit this rather unsensational desc 
are also selling for less than eight times 
their earnings. Another t 

+ For stock in a company whose pros 

pects are bright, whose real growth is 
likely to be 10 or 20 percent a year or 
more for the foreseeable future, you 
should expect to pay a lot more than 12 
or 13 times earnings. In fact, for stock in 
some of these companies—the ones the 
big banks and mutual funds have seized 
tupon—you may have to pay 40 or 50 
times earnings. Welcome to the top tier. 
(But you would be better off secking the 
companies with equally good prospects 
that have yet come into favor with 
the big money and that may, therefore, 
be bought for 10 or 15 times their earn 
gs. or even less.) 
All other things being equal. of 
course—that is, if all stocks were selling 
at 12 or 13 times earnings—you would 
choose only those companies whose carn- 
ings you expected to grow the fastest 
But the question is not whether a f 
growing company is beter than a slower- 
growing company, The question is 
whether you should pay $45 for one dol- 
lar of earnings in a fast-growing company 
or six dollars for one dollar of earnings 
in a slow-growing company. Which is a 
better relative value? 

It happens that most of the big banks, 
which manage a great deal of money— 
hundreds of billions—have felt 
comfortable paying $45 for the one dol 
lar of fast-grow nings. ‘They have 
largely restricted their attention to a rel 
atively few such compan d thus bid 
their prices up very high 

Mos stocks they ij 
Not becuse the 
oustandin 


1 descrip- 


t 


ption 


юге 


nore 
ks do not provide 


values—some them do— 


5100,000,000 into Johnson & Johnson or 
McDonald's than to stay late at the 
office every night hunting for 200 little 
nies—perhaps better values—in 
which to invest $500,000 each. The first 
rule of fiduciary bureaucracy is: You 
can't be criticized for losing money in 


IBM. Corollary: He who does what ev- 
eryone else does will not do appreciably 
worse. In other words, it is unfortunate 
to have lost money in IBM, Avon, Di 
ney, Levitz, Simplicity Pattern, Polaroid, 
Kodak or other high-multiple companie 
But it would have been imprudent to lose 
somewhat less in companies that are less 
well known, 

In talking with the people who man- 
billions of dollars at some of the n; 
tion's largest banks, I have gotten the 
distinct impression that it would be un- 
dignified for a top-quality financial in- 
stitution to invest in anything but l; 
top-quality American firms. 

And that posture has a certain blue- 
chip fiduciary ring to it, until you con- 
sider how much extra they are paying 
for the top-quality firms. The smaller, or 
“poorer-quality,” firms may still be via- 
ble, healthy enterprises that have been 
paying dividends for 50 years—yet now 
are selling for multiples of their earnings 
that are only half a third, or a fourth, 
or even a filth or a sixth of the multiples 
of the top-tier stocks. 

One money manager from a major 
New York bank told me that it way the 
bank's policy to invest only in companies 
wliose earnings they expected to grow at 
an above-average rate. What about com- 
panies they expected to grow at only an 
verage or a subaverage rate? No, he 
said, they did not buy stock 
panies. Regardless of price? Regardless 
of price. Is there any price at which the 
bank would buy stock in ап average- 
growth or subaverage-growth company? 

This question made the money man- 
ager uncomfortable. He clearly wanted 
to answer no, because he clearly would 
be damned before he would buy stock in 
a company whose earnings he expected 
to grow at a subaverage rate. But he 
couldn't come right out and give me a 
categorical no—tantamount to saying he 
wouldn't uke the stuff if it were being 
given away (which is what some people, 
at recent prices, say is taking place)—be- 
cause he knew that, theoretically, there 
must be some price at which he should 
choose the stock in the slower grower over 
the stocks of his fast-growing favorites. 

It’s not that the bank had compared 
some of the low-multiple stocks with 
some of the high-multiple stocks and 
consciously decided that, yes, the high 
multiple stocks represented a better 
value, despite their higher prices. Rath- 
er, the policy (or is it dogma?) is based 
on studies that have shown that over the 
long run, the best way to beat the stock- 
market averages has been to buy stock in 
compan nings grow faster 
than average. That's how things have 
worked in the past, and that's why 51 
percent of this bank's discretionary bil- 
lions are invested in just 14 stocks, only 
one of which, at the time of this i 
sells for less than 20 times earnings. 

The bank's strategy may well be right, 


such com 


es whose 


of course. ‘Time will tell. But two points 
re worth noting, First, in recent years, 
a lot of banks have hit upon the same 
strategy, shifting funds from some of the 
less exciting firms into the supergrowers, 
and thereby widening the premium that 
must be paid for the or 
other, Second, in recent years, the pri 
vate investor, who always provided а 
good deal of the support for thousands 
of smaller companies, has been largely 
scared off from the market, widening the 
gap between the top and the bottom 
tiers still further, 

The result is that many fine com- 
panies (and some not so fine but mak 
ing money all the same) аге largely 
nored—whether they ате undervalued 
or not. And herein, 1 suggest, may lie a 
simple-minded opportunity 

Tobias’ Simple-minded Investment 
Advice for Unsophisticatcd Investors of 
Modest Means Who Have Lost Their 
Shirts Getting Rich Quick Before (if you 
are rich or sophisticated, send $1000 and 
a stamped selfaddresed envelope for 
news of a fabulous tax-shelter/commod 
ity play that could easily reduce you to 
the status of the rest of us) 

+ Invest in the market only money you 
really will not need to touch for years 
and years. People who buy stocks when 
they get a bonus and sell them when th 
roof starts to leak are the least likely to 
succeed, They are entrusting their in 
vestment decisions to their roofs. 

» Don't expect too much. The only 
ay to make а big killing is to take big 
risks, Inexperienced investors who take 
big risks generally take the wrong risks 

+ Diversify over time by not investing 
all at once, You could be lucky, of 
course, and your allavonce could come 
just as the market is hitting its alltime- 
and-forever low; but, then again, you 
could be unlucky, too, To the extent 
that you don't want to entrust your i 
vestments to luck, spread them out over 
time to smooth the peaks and valleys of 
the market, 

+ That notwithstanding, concentrate 
your investments around those periods 
when the market has just taken а terri 
ble dive of several weeks’ duration and 
talk of depression and/or nuclear holo 
caust is rife. If the depression does come 
(and usually it does not), at least you 
will have been prudent enough to invest 
only money you didn't need to touch 
for years, And in the event of the holo: 
сайм, it wouldn't make much difference. 

+ By the same token, avoid investing 
when the market is generally judged to 
be healthy, prospects for the economy 
e bright and people are beginning to 
talk about a 200-point rise in the Dow- 
Jones industrial average. This generally 
means that people are expecting good 
news. If it comes, since it's so widely 
expected, it won't be likely to move 
the market much, Bad news, on the 
other hand, not having been discounted, 


versus the 


173 


PLAYBOY 


174 


Diversify, also, over several stocks in 


one turns out to be Equity Funding, life 


This is one form of dollar-cost averag 


shares of a stock at $14, consider buying 


you will still be in fine shape with 
100 shares you 


natural ups and 


chase price for you to come out ahead 


mvinced the stock is al 


not regret having sna 


you are not reacting to any partic 


kind of news that will move the you buy it wi 


down. allow you to average down your cost 
industries. This way, even if hefty multiples discount earnin, 


Uncertain Seventies. 


that these 


If you are planning to buy 300 hardly be 


100 instead. Then, if the stock represent some 


oes down and you never buy is yet to discover 


ht then usly. B 


200 shares more. The stock of favor- 


need only recover to your initial pur + These 


theory here is that if you are ina that pay solid divid 


rush to buy the 300 shares all at percent or 


и to be stocks 


ıu аге very likely reacting to ing 


ratios 
hot news. And unless you are an аге sellin 
trading on privileged informa: ing such 
chances are you are опе of the last they are in declining industries 
to hear this hot news. You will be buying cause they 
shares from the folks who heard it some аге 
And, when the dust settles, you they have 


s instead of $00. If, on the other small- to 


it will simply be unlikely for industries ( 


to go straight up from the day building-related companies were in 1978, ( 


iout any dips. 


* Don’t invest in te Their remain st 


wih The 


far into the 


it is hard to see 


iversify" in the same stock. into the future 


argued that the merits of these should have been fairly stead 
stocks have been ignored, 
hidden value Wall Street dividend payments by a 
dividends to speak of 
1 buy. But if the ways the chance 
ns of life make the will fall out 


stock available at $11.50, you m ocks can't fall out Beyond 


is the crux of the strate 


ch low prices, 


institu 
d only 100 tions, These 


$500,000,000 


пеп you decide to purchase unfashionable 


And dips for example, despite the fact that 


1 


demand for fc 


›апїез you сї 


usinthe їп, besides paying a lividend, 
far should have been in business and paying 
of course, that dividend for 10 or 20 years or more 
But it can Earnings growth over the past decade 
ly; and earn 

therefore ings should be suthcient 


any better than 50 percer 
al- if the compan 
they or two, the 
rop disa- maintained 


to find companies 1 
1 


here large and secure dividi 
hoose stocks in a position to 
six to eight customers and to grow in 
necessarily There shouldn't be « ellin 
care ıt five to ten times earnin ıu mee 
that these criteria; | t least at the time є 
icld this writing, there are—t Xe 
because Broker lightec 
be find such ıpanies and to р id 
as with annual reports, Standard & Poor's 
because sheets and researc r if an 
help you make up your own mind about 
be their solidity and future prospec 
to Having selectec ch stoc 
in for your lio, 
depressed the stocks go d ou a in; 
home- six or eight percent on you ment 


and shelter is likely to 


invest 


if you return, are tax-free) 
But a ıs these dividends look se 
cure, i nlike at such stocks will 


ioned by their yield. (A 50 percent drop 
in a stock that was paying a six percent 
diy uld mean that at its new 
ke xk would be offering an 
amazin; As long as that divi 


dend look to believe 


it very lon 


k back up to more 


reasonab 
Over the long run, unless you have 
chosen companies that are fundamen 


tally u 


id. it is likely that each of 


the stocks will at some point increase in 
value—either because of the natural 


rhythm of fluctuations in the market or 


use your stock gets 


caught up in a wave of enthusiasm for 


the latest f л. You can be sure that 


energy-related companies will not be the 


last to have run-up. It is also possi 
ble that your stock might be the object 
of a take-over bid, at a substantial pre 
mium over the market price, Viable com 
panies selling at four to eight times 
earnings аге being bought right and left 


Barr 


portfolio shou 


ng disaster, your simple-minded 


continue to pay you its 
ix to eight percent dividend. Should 
you incur losses on one or more of the 


stocks (i.e., if you chose a fundamentally 


PALL MALL GOLDIOOs 


THE LONGER FILTER THAT’S 


Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined 


That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. 


аг, 1.5 mg nicotine av. per cigarette, FTC Report MARCH ‘74. 


LONG ON TASTE 


then dec 1 to 


wnd company 
unsound compar 


t out at a loss), at least a little of the 
disappointment would be absorbed by 
the IRS. Sho’ 


up from six times earnings, where you 


your stock instead run 


bought it, to а whopy en times—the 


level that during the razzle-dazzle Sixties 
was generally considered the floor for 


апу viable concern—then you would 


have a 66 perce our invest 


ment, plus the di he way 
Note that a jump from si 


earnings is every bit as rewarding as а 


ings in a 
top-tier stock. But in the face of a disap 


pointing earnings report, a stock selling 
at six times won't have very far to fall 
before being cushioned by its dividend 
Avon, on the other hand, fell from $140 


last year, where it was p: 


ing а one per 


cent dividend sell ıt around 60 


times earnings, to $55 at the time of this 


writing. which has raised the yield of its 


dividend to 2.5 percent, and it need fall 


only 32 points before, at $23 a share and 


ten t 


s earnings, it would be paying a 
six percent dividend 

There are three basic risks in buying 
high-yield low-p/e stocks whose potential 
to grow at least in pace with inflation 
hopefully more, has been ignored by the 
big money 

Risk number one: Your choice of com 


panies will be so egregious or business in 


general will be so bad that each will in 
turn cut or even eliminate its dividend 
wmd your stocks will dip, fall, plummet 


or even disappear altogether 


Risk number two: Long-term interest 
rates, already uncomfortably and un 


usually high, will move substantially 


higher, and stay there, rendering the 
dividends your stocks pay less and less 


attractive and the cusl 


ion they provide 

your stock, therefore, less and less firm 
Risk number three: After six to eight 

weeks of following this strategy, of 


watching your stocks go nowhere except 


ze down a little, and of re 


maybe to ¢ 
ceiving one dividend check for 511 that 


doesn't quite pay for a tank of 
will become itchy, you will remind your 
self that you only live once, you will 


hear stories about the man over in per 


sonnel who turned 5500 on a soybean-oil 
contract into $18,000 in three and a half 


weeks, you will read some other maga 


zine article suggesting an equally good 


way to make the same return ог, with 
more risk, a beter return—and, feeling 


bad about havir ven your broker so 


little business to begin with, you will call 
him and ask that he sell out your posi 


tion at a small le made no less small 


by the in-and-out commissions of, зау, six 
percent). Then you will take your money 


and invest in something Jun. 


175 


PLAYBOY 


176 


JERRY'S BRAIN 


power has occupied Panama and threat 
ens to launch a tactical nuclear strike 
against San Diego. After preliminary 
cogitation in which the cortical message 
center works overtime in silting informa 
tion, 1 send Jerry to an atlas 
ing stage may take a little time, but from 
then on it’s open prairie all the way— 
ог, as Jerry says, Z-OK! Аз soon as he’s 
found the right pages, all he has to do is 
return to his desk, pick up the phone 
dial several wron 
lean back in his cha 


(continued from pa 


e 161) 


while grinding his teeth or drumming 
his fingers while whistling. If Jerry has 
an important piece of legislat 


›п to sign, 
a trickle of electricity from me urges him 
to concentrate on penmanship rather 
The епз than the words on the paper, most of 
If that fails, 


I activate my all-purpose crisis-response 


which are too long anyway 


network, whieh causes Jerry to sit bolt 
upright and repeat the phrase “Wunga 
Wunga Wunga” until someone takes the 


numbers and then 
pen out of his hand. 


r and stare blankly 


at the wall It’s been said that a brain is like a vast 
actically un 


unexplored continent, p 


At times like these, I induce a state of 
quiet brooding in Jerry, suspending all Known except for the rou 
retrieval and advice systems until the 
emergence of the next crisis. Some people 
mistake Jerry's apparent inaction for in 
decisiveness, but 1 know my man bet 
ter than anyone and I know what's best 
for him. In order for him to function as 
Chief Executive or even as plain old he's mastered the basic motor responses. 
Jerry, he must be prevented Irom trying 1 
to do two things at once, like thinking might say, and this makes me unhappy 


h outline of its 


boundaries. Perhaps this is true of some 
brains, but lately I've begun to think 


of myself as a small unfurnished r 


m 
owned by an absentee landlord, for the 
truth is that Jerry and 1 don't have 


much contact with cach other now thar 


Меп feel neglected, unconsulted, you 


“Multilingual means I can speak several languages! 
What did you think it meant?” 


Sometimes I'm forced to the conclusion 
that my messages aren't getting through, 
that some undetectable monitoring filter 
is screening them out, even willfully 
rejecting them. In the old days, if an 
incoming message called for a verbal 
response from Jerry, I would just trans: 
mit the information to outgoing to be 
formed into actual words, but I seem to 
control of that procedure. 
There are times when Jerry's behavior 
springs from impulses 1 k nothing 
about, and this troubles me. It worries 
me when he calls his secretary on the 
intercom and says, “Hi, this is the leader 
of the free world, I'd like a cream cheese 
and jelly on whole wheat and a hot 
chocolate.” 

I had that uneasy feeling again last 
week when the Secretary of State 
at the Oval Office to brief Jerry on 
а topic of vital international concern 
With some irritation, Jerry switched off 
Sesame Street and gazed across the desk 
at his visitor throughout that distin 
guished gentleman's lengthy and mo 
mentous statement 

About two thirds of the way through 
the briefing, Jerry’s usually amia 
tures took on a distinctly suspi 

“What kind of car do you have?” he 
asked suddenly. 

“Malibu,” was the hesitant response. 

Jerry picked up the phone. “I don't 
Г 


have lost 


arrived 


Ме fea 


jous Cast 


want anyone in my ofhce who drives С. 


eral Motors products,” he said. “Fr 
now on, it's Lincoln Continentals for the 
Supreme Court fellows, Torinos for the 
Senate and Mustangs for Congressmen. 
Better throw in a few pickups for the 
yokels and maybe a couple of Rancheros 
for the guys from New Mexico, 

The reason I describe this incident in 
some detail is—and I swear this is true— 


1 didn't have anything to do with it! 1 


can offer no explanation for how these 
words reached Jerry's lips. I had received 
no artificial stimulants, was unclouded 
by fatigue, ill health or other forms of 
temporary brain drain, Nor can I ex- 
plain why it is that Jerry has become so 
obsessed with the phrase Wunga Wung 
etc, which 


you will recall, is how he 
chose to define the state of the Union in 
his recent speech 

Still, these trivial reservations aside, 1 
have no plaint. 1 do 
the job to the best of my ability and 
though the effort is often futile and 
painful—witness Jerry's short-lived but 


cause for сс 


valiant attempt to master a new syllable 
every week 
tasks I have been assigned by nature's 
Great Craftsman. Being Jerry Ford's 
brain may not be the most taxing job on 
th, but it gives me all kinds of free 
1 just wish he'd eat more fish 

month: / am 


I'm content to carry out the 


tim 
(Next 
Hump) 


Quasimodo's 


PLAYBOY'S PIGSKIN PREVIEW 


behind a line that some pro teams could 
envy. Larry Burton is probably the 
fastest wide receiver in college football 
If the defensive lineme void а 
repeat of last year’s crippling injuri 
Purdue could be in the thick of the Big 
Ten race, especially since it doesn’t play 
Ohio State 

During spring practice, Ilinois coach 
Bob Blackman finally found a number 
one quarterback, the lack of which was 
last year's major liability. He's Jim 
Кора. and even though his receivers 
are not spectacular, his passing will be 
excellent. Illini place kicking will be 
among the best in the nation; sophomore 
Dan Beaver has 55-yard distance and 
curacy. Seven starters return from a 
defense that kept last season from being 
a disaster. Tackle John DiFeli 
looks like a blossoming star and his team 


can 


5 


antonio 


mate on the other side of the line, tackle 
Mike Waller 
tial, assuming he’s made a full recovery 


so has enormous poten 


from surgery. So Blackman, who likes to 
sting intellectual 
apacity of Dartmouth—where he used to 
work—and Illinois players, may be able 
to field a winning team with mere brawn. 

Northwestern quarterback Mitch An- 
deron has an opportunity to lead the 


talk about the cont 


Big Ten in passing for three straight 
years, something that hasn't been done 


(continued from page 168) 
since Len Dawson did it at Purdue in 
1954-1956, He'll get a lot of help from 
two of the Conference's top receivers, 
Wayne Frederickson and Billy Stevens, 
and promising sophomore tight end Scott 
Yelvington. Greg Boykin, Jim Trimble 
and James Pooler give the Wildcats excel 
lent inside running behind а good offen: 
sive line. The problem is strengthening 
the defensive unit, second worst in the 
Conference last season, and linebackers 
Joe and Carl Patrnchak, one of North- 
western’s three sets of twins, will help 
there. If the defense can be significantly 
improved, the Wildcats’ presence will be 


strongly felt in the Big Ten, If not, look 
2 


for some more 5243 losses. 

Most of Ind 
played on a porous defensive team that 
was the Hoosiers” major weakness in 
1978. The new replacements—together 


with some veter 


na's graduated seniors 


as shifted from the of 


fensive platoon—will likely get better re 
sults. If so, 
can be 


nd if some outside running 
speed Nick 
Barnes and Rick Enis have the best ad 


found (freshmen 
vance credentials), the Hoosiers will re- 
turn to respectability. Willie Jones, Bob 
Kramer and Mike 
impressive depth at quarterback. Gigan- 


Glazier provide 
tic sophomore offensive tackle David 
Knowles 
pleasant surprise 


might be the season's most 


Minnesota coach Cal Stoll’s major 
problem, like so many of his colleagues, 
is finding a quarterback. Sophomore 
Tony Dungy seems the best candidate 
and he'll run а wide-open offense featur 
ing runners Rick Upchurch and Bubby 
Holmes turning the corners and full 
backs John Jones and transfer Dexter 
Pride up the middle. The Gopher attack 
will consume a lot of yards. Stopping 
the other team will be a much more 
difficult job 

Michigan State coach Denny Stolz's 
first project in spring practice was to re 
vive the Spartans’ offense, Whether ‹ 
not he'll be successful is to some extent 


out of his hands and depends on whether 
or not quarterback Charlie Baggett's 
knee has recovered sufficiently from sur 
gery for him to tke command of the 
team when fall practice opens. A very 
green secondary will also be a major ob 
stacle to а winning year. State's best-look 
ly runner Ted Bell, 
who should provide some breath-taking 
kick returns. 

New lowa coach Bob Commings inher 


ing freshman is spe 


its 44 lettermen and a promising group 
of recruits, at least four of whom could 
provide immediate help. His first-line 
players are Big Ten caliber, but lack 
of depth is serious at almost all posi 
tions, Nine candidates are vying for the 
quarterback job, with sophomore Doug 
Reichardt appearing to be the best of the 


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PLAYBOY 


178 


Brut for Men. 


If you have 
any doubts 
about yourself, 


try 
something else. 


group. Only one defensive starter has 
Deen lost, so presumably, a year of game 
experience will help preve 
of last year's ineptitude. The Н. 
didn't win a 
distinct underdogs every time they take 
the field this fall. Just avoiding another 
shutout will make it a good ye: 

Much of Kent State's hope for success 
depends on the development of the sec- 
where two offensive performers 
973—quarterback Tom Buchheit and 
fullback Larry Blackman—have been 
transferred. Thanks to the talents of pass- 
er Greg Kokal and tailback Larry Poole, 
the Flashes will again be able to move 
the ball well. 

Miami lost its head coach to Colorado 
and most of its defense to graduation, 
but there won't be much loss of power 
from last season's squad. New coach Dick 
Crum should have the rebuilding process 
completed by midseason, so if the Red- 
skins can get past Purdue and Kentucky 
(a distinct long shot), they could again 
be undefeated. 

Last year’s painfully young Ohio Uni- 
versity team grew up during the season 
and returns wiser and tougher. A zealous 
spirit, molded from the adversity of 773, 
could carry the Bobcats to contention for 
the Conference title. Watch the opener 
against North Carolina; that game may 
determine the rest of the season. 

Although almost the entire Western 
Michigan defensive unit graduated, a 
much improved offensive team should 
compensate for ce. Quar- 
terback Р sen is being pushed 

i Pepper Powers and 


year's Four 
has matured. The new Lforn 
will showcase the impressive talents of 
freshman runner Dave Birkholz. 

Toledo's football program, having 
sunk to 3-8 depths last a, hopefully 
has turned the corner. The running 
ne, with the exception of Curt Olman, 
is substandard, but the passing will be ef 
fective if quarterback Gene Swick can 
learn to keep his cool under pressure. He 
has two great receivers, tight end Don 
Seymour and flanker Randy Whately. 
However, the defense, with the excep- 
tion of sophomore safety Scott Resseguie, 
is a shadow of former Toledo units, 

"We have plenty of depth on our 
team,” a Bowling Green spokesman told 
us. “We just don't have any starters.” He 
was referring to the 16 first-team players 
who graduated. Once again, the Falcons 
must hope for an occasional stunning 
upset, if there is to be much excitement 
in Bowling Green this year. 

Alabama partisans may find this hard 
to believe, but Notre Dame's national 
champions look even stronger this year. 
Only four offensive and three defensive 
starters graduated and their тер 
ments are more than adequate. The Irish 
are so loaded with All-America candi 
dates this season that the PR staff doesn't 


ace- 


know whom to push. But as far as we're 
concerned, the best of the lot appear to 
be PLAynoy All-Americas quarterback 
Tom Clements and linebacker G 
Collins. However, runner Eric Penick, 
receiver Pete Demmerle, guard Gerry 
DiNardo and defensive tackles Steve 
aus and Mike F all likely 
to make several postseason All-America 
teams. Notre Dame's only real liability is, 
as always, a preposterously casy schedule. 
xcept for vith Purdue and 
M on will consist of 
a series of warm-up exercises in prepara- 
tion for the finale with Southern Califor- 
nia. Even if the Irish manage to stay 


will probably be unconvinced. 

This will be the fourth year of Mar- 
shall's rebuilding program following the 
1970 plane-crash disaster. Two freshman 
quarterbacks, Lawrence Berkery and Bob 
Wilt, will push veteran Bob Eshb: 
and sophomore Joe Fox and the ойе 
line should be excellent. If the freshmen 
can provide good depth at а couple of 
positions, the Thundering Herd could 
have its first winning season in ten years 

With a fe ing its way for 
a change, ti could be much im- 
proved, Four of last season's seven losses 
were by narrow margins. Henry Miller, 
last year's freshman signal caller, should 
be better and the defense, featuring line 
backer Clarence Sanders, will be stronger, 
since most of last year’s unit is back. 

Dayton coach Ron Marciniak, filled 
with enthusiasm, will again field a crowd: 
r-broke passing team, with 
у provided by 65” Arizonan 
Tom Vosberg. Many good receivers аге 
on hand, but runners are scarce. So if the 
passing game fizzles, soccer-style kicker 
Schwarber will be the chief scoring 


ge ranks, new coach Doug Weaver 
hopes to seal a sievelike defense. Quar- 
terback Fred McAlley, previously just 
a passer, has adapted well to running 
the new option attack installed during 
spring practice. 

An enormous rebuilding job faces 
Northern Ilinois. Twentyseven letter 
men, including all 11 defensive sı 
have departed. But since 
fense was so inept, anyway, their loss n 
turn out to be a blessing in disguise. ‘The 
Huskies’ running game will 
excellent, with junior college transfer 
Charles Durfee an adequate replacement 
at fullback for Mark Kellar, and sopho: 
more runner Vincent Smith, who was so 
impressive in spring practice. 


ain be 


Alabama will once again be one of 
the best teams in the country, and for 
the usual reasons: Bear Bryant's coach- 
‚ excellent quarterbacking (incumbent 
starter Gary Rutledge could lose his job 


ists will 


to Richard Todd, who Bryant 
make Tide fans forget about Joe Na- 
math), overpowering running (Calvin 
Gulliver was probably the best third 
string fullback in the country last y 

and a fierce defense reinforced by Ыш 
chip sophomore linemen Charles Han- 
nah, Paul Harris and Gus White. Junior 
Woodrow Lowe might be the nati 

best linebacker before he 
Bryant's only problem is 
game: a punter and a place kicker must 


be found. 


THE SOUTH 
SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE 
Alabama 10-1 Florida 65 
Louisiana St. 9-2 Tennessee 5-5 
Georgia B-3 Mississippi St. 5-5 
‘Auburn 8-3 Mississippi 4-7 
Vanderbilt 7-4 Kentucky 47 
ATLANTIC COAST CONFERENCE 
Maryland 9-2 Duke 56 
North Carolina North Carolina 3-8 
Stale 8-3 Clemson 3-8 
Virginia 8-3 Wake Forest 3-8 


SOUTHERN CONFERENCE 


East Carolina 9-2 Virginia 

Richmond Military 4-7 

Furman 7-4 Davidson 4-5 

William & Mary 5-5 The Citadel 3-8 

INDEPENDENTS 

South Carolina 9-2 Татра 74 

Tulane 2 Memphis State 6-5 

Miami 74 Virginia Tech 5-6 

Southern Georgia Tech 4-7 
Mississippi 7-4 Florida State 4-7 


TOP PLAYERS: Lowe, Rutledge, Billingsley, 
Washington, Todd (Alabama); Williams, Har- 
ris, Davis, Brooks (Louisiana State); Boler, 
Johnson, Spivey (Georgia); Bernich, Gross, 
Fuller (Auburn); Galbierz, Mathers (Vander- 
bilt); Ortega, Lawless (Florida); Holloway, 
Townsend (Tennessee); Patrick, Webb, Felker 
(Mississippi State); Williams, Hofer (Mis 
sissippi); Collins (Kentucky); R. White, Car 
ter, Russell (Maryland); Fritts, Everett (North 
Carolina State); Ambrose, Gardner (Vir 
ginia); Benjamin, Slade (Duke); Huff, Wad- 
dell (North Carolina); Cunningham, Callicutt 
(Clemson); Harsh (Wake Forest); Kepley 
(East Carolina); B. Allen, Knight (Richmond); 
Perone (Furman); Pawlewice (William & 
Mary); Dearman (Virginia Military); Snow 
(The Citadel); Grantz, Abraczinskas, Hodgin 
(South Carolina); Hall, 5. Foley (Tulane); Har- 
rah, Carter, W, Thompson (Miami); Bower 
(Southern Mississippi); Solomon, Carlton 
(Tampa); Fowler, E. Harris (Memphis State); 
Scales, Р. Rogers (Virginia Tech); Rhino, Har- 
ris (Georgia Tech); R. Thomas (Florida State). 


It looks as if 1974 will be the year of 
the Tiger in bayou country. Louisiana 
State coach Charlie McClendon has 41 re 
turning lettermen, including more high 
velocity runners than he knows what to do 
nd experienced defense, 
Another plus is the emotional impetus 
that comes having been bush- 
whacked three years in a row by Ala- 


with and a touj 


bama. The Tigers also have scores to settle 


with Tennessee (their cumulative record 


against the Vols is 1-13-92) and with 
Tulane, which beat LSU last December 
for the first time in a quarter of a cen- 
tury. The offensive line must be rebuilt, 
but, as always, there’s plenty of material 
on hand. Finding a starting quarterback 
could also be a problem and the solution 
may lie in the formidable talents of soph. 
omore Carl Otis Trimble, who will even- 
tually be LSU's first black field general. 
Another sophomore, defensive tackle 
Adam Duhe. is destined for greatness. 

Georgia's unfortunate proclivity for 
winning the big games but losing the 
easy ones must be fixed if the Bulldogs 
are to return to championship conten: 
tion. A good passing game from any of 
three sophomore quarterbacks (Matt Rob- 
inson, Dicky Clark or Ray Golf) to go 
with a fine group of runners and one of 
the biggest interior lines (it 
pounds) in college football will 
help. The linebacking crew, led by Syl- 
Boler, will terrorize enemy run- 
ners. We suspect the Georgia team is a 
sleeping giant and if a quality quarter 
back emerges. the Bulldogs will be one of 
the surprise teams in the country 
ach Shug Jordan has converted Au 
burn to the veer T in hopes of fielding the 
most improved offense in the South. That 
won't be difficult, because last year’s was 
devoid of speed and six starters were 
freshmen. One of the six, fullback Sec- 
drick McIntyre, should become Auburn's 
best runner ever. The hopefully rejuve- 
nated attack will help a traditionally 
fierce defensive unit, built around 
rıAynoy All-America linebacker Ken 
Bernich 

Vanderbilt's depressingly long losing 
spell is nearing an end, Coach Steve 
Sloan has worked miracles in only а у 
at the helm and for the first time in a dec 
ade, the Commodores have some depth 
The incoming freshman group is so 
impressive that several of last m's 
ay be sitting on the bench 
wo of the best rookies 


erages 256 


vester 


firststringers n 
by November. 


are defensive tackles Dennis Harrison 
and Mike Birdsong. Another, Ricky 
Jeans, is multitalented and could start at 


any position in either backfield. With 
the switch to the Houston veer offense, 
quarterback Fred Fisher will throw to a 
halfdozen flashy receivers and—for a 
change—will have a strong offensive line 
in front of him. Look for the Commo 
dores to upset some powerful teams be- 


fore the season ends. 

Assuming that injuries will not again 
wipe out the offense, Florida has a good 
chance to enjoy the success that eluded it 


last year. Quarterback Don Gallney, who 
took charge of the floundering offense in 
midseason last year, returns and looks 


much improved. The defense will be as 
solid as last year’s that led the Confer 
ence. Ralph Ortega and Glenn Cameron 
а superb pair of linebackers. Last sea 


son's miserable kicking game appears to 


Brut 33 
Anti-Perspirant 
for Men. 


any doubts 
about yourself. 


ULTRA DRY 
ANTF-PERSPIRANT 
SPRAY 


CHECKS WETS tg 
wh he great smell of 


NET үүт. 13 OZ. 
{S O | 


179 


PLAYBOY 


180 


have been improved with the recruiting of 


see, with its defense as bad as it was last coach, Ken Cooper, a new 


пз little brother, Berj 


like a lean year for Tennes 


fessional football 


new linebackers, 


Mississippi enters the se 


of the best kicking teams this side o 


quarterback Co} e Holloway is still and а new approach to 
around to practice his game-saving hero- isn't one easy game 

кылүвоү All-America kicker nately, is team enth 

wi у has taken nonexistent before 
wearing shoc games) will again over the coaching reins in th 
try to provi inning margin in last season. Fine runners 
close ones, assu there are some close Larry Kramer and Jame 
mes. To make matters worse, the Vols' quarterbacks (K 
schedule includes UCLA, Kansas, Au- Malouf) and a 
burn, Alabama and LSU in five of the built around s 
first six weeke ight 

r is turning Mississippi not т 
а national power. The Bull grim fall 
There'll be a grand 

because 21 freshmen play Kentucky, thanks primaril 
varsity last fall: six of them started. Tack Сой! 4 
le Jimmy Webb anc uard Harvey unately, t 
Headhunter” Hull 1 а strong de ch time 
fense and the offensive line i ү fensive st 
bigger and faster than а year ago. Won- and, consequently, as man: 


derfully ийе Melvin Barkum (Je ing freshmer 
vome’s little ) has been shifted to pressed into service 
wide receive er utilize his talents эша" de coach 
The Bulldogs will get running help nitable uiter 
from Dennis Johnson and rıaysoy All- years, he'll have Kent 


America punter Mike Patrick leads one ence 


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do 


{rtie Strutt, u 


something about that lion's brea 


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PLAYBOY 


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and freshmen Thomas Eley and William 
Scott. The Tiger defense, though im- 
proved, still needs size up front, Chances 
are that junior college All-America Je- 
rome Hill and a couple of freshmen will 
help. If someone can be found to get the 
ball to Bennie Cunningham, the nation’s 
premier tight end, it could be a good 
Tigers will be 
gunned down by a hazardous schedule. 
mpleted the transition from 
or 


year. Otherwise, the 


Having 
the veer offense to the pro set, Wake 
est will rely on sophomore quarterback 
Bill Armstrong: that is, unless he is dis 
placed by incoming freshman Solomon 
credentials are even more 


Everett, whos 
Another freshman, receiver 
ato, should also attract a lot of 
Two junior college transfers 


impressive 


Bruce L 


attention 
add ıo the suddenly potent offense 
Clark Gaines will be the fastest runner 
Wake Forest has had in years and junior 
All-America tackle Tom Parker 
gives the offensive line needed strength. 
New punter Randy Carroll will ade 
quately гері aduated Chuck Ка 
East Carolina's defense, a voracious 
bunch of wild dogs, is led by linebacker 
Danny Kepley, referred to as Captain 
Crunch. The offense, using the Ala 
wishbone attack, will get a helpful in 
jection of talent from four freshman 
runners, but the quarterbacking and the 
offensive line will be woefully green. 
Richmond will be hard pressed to du 


te last year’s 8-2 record, because 


college 


sey 


ama 


Fine defensive starters have gone. Harry 
Knight returns at quarterback, the run 
ning remains strong despite the depar- 
ture of Barty Smith and the receivers are 
the best since the great Walker Gillette. 
But unless the defense сап be helped by 
former offensive players, the Spiders will 
be noticeably weaker 

Coach Art Baker went to Furman last 
year preaching fundamentalist Christian 
ity (no d 
and hard-nosed football, It worked. He 
turned the Paladins from perennial los 
ers into instant winners and in the proc 


iking, smoking or swearing) 


ess. some 20 freshmen won letters, thus 


providing depth of experienced talent 


for this season. Three incoming fresh- 
wn and Brene 
nk Moses, 


should star right away. И sophomc 


men, receivers Ken E 


Simmons and nose guard Fr 


David Whitchurst keeps improving, he'll 
be one of the best quarterbacks in the 
South. With some luck, Furman could 
win the Conference championship 
William & Mary suffers from an inex 
perienced offensive line and the passing 
must be improved to balance a strong 


running game. Still, if everyone recovers 
fre ght of knee injuries 
and the defense is strengthened, the Indi 
ans could be a factor in the Conference 


last season's bl 


race. 

VMI is working its way up, slowly. The 
Keydets improved dramatically during 
the `73 season and 17 of 22 starters re 
est problem is the quar- 


turn, The bi 


terback position, where Tom Schultze’s 
sudden departure this spring left a void; 
if someone can get the ball to classy re 
ceiver Ronnie Moore, VMI might even 
enjoy—believe it or not—a winning sea 
son, because the defense is solid 

Davidson, in its first year of a football 
deemphasis program, plays a much casier 
schedule and will post more than the usual 
two or three wins. With football scholar 
ships now being awarded only on the 
basis of need, this is probably the Wild 
cats’ last year in the first division of 


college-football competition and an early 
end of their membership in the Southern 
Conference is likely 

The Citadel, with $0 returning leter- 
men and a flock of top-rated freshmen, 
will be improved, but not sufficiently to 
face a schedule featuring road games 
against Navy and Tulane 
linebacker Brian Rulf has 
South Carolina team 


Sophomore 
‘eat potential 


A very yo 


missed greatness by a narrow margin Last 


year and, since most everyone is return- 
ing, the Gamecocks should be one of the 
surprise teams in the country, Especially 
pleasing for coach Paul Dietzel is the 
quarterback position, where last year's 
star, Jeff Granz, is being pushed by 
sophomores Ron Bass and Scott Curtis. 
Ihe running-back positions are equally 
deep, the offensiveline replacen 
adequate and last year’s young defensive 
unit is now older and tougher, Dietzel con 


м» are 


centrated on big linemen during last win 


дегу recruitin 


reshmen 
could carn assignments in the defensive 
line, If enemy offenses can be kept under 
reasonable control, look for South Garo 
major bowl 


and some lar 


lina to play i 


Tulane will be deep, fast and large 
but its biggest assist is the schedule, It be 
gins with Ole Miss, ends with LSU and 
shows nine weekends of easy breathing 
in between. rLavnoy All-America tackle 
Charles Hall anchors a formidable de: 
fense and quarterback Steve Foley, a 


“Well, I guess we can scratch them as 
a potential source of fuel!” 


181 


PLAYBOY 


182 


sensational scrambler, guides an offense 
reinforced by redshirt runners and a 
massive and agile offensive line. 

One of the overlooked teams in the 
country could be Miami. Last year, after 
beating Texas in its first game and giv- 
ing Oklahoma a scare, injuries devas- 
tuted the squad, Only three starters 
graduated and the Hurricanes are rein- 
forced by an undefeated freshman team 
that included tight end Phil Au, 
passer Frank Glover, Jr. who could be 
the ‘74 starter if incumbent Ed Carney's 
shoulder doesn’t heal. Runner Woody 
Thompson will have the help of an of- 
fensive line led by pLaysoy All-America 
tackle Dennis Harrah. On defense, mid 
dle guard Rubin Carter will again make 
life miserable for opposing quarterbacks 
However, its predictably awesome sched 
ule will probably keep Miami out of the 


ast and 


top ten 

Southern Missisippi was ravished by 
mion. All ten running backs are 
mores and this could be the your 


est team in the South. Quarterback Jell 


deal after coach 
Bear Underwood installed the Houston 
veer attack to better utilize his talents 
Still, this looks like the best of all possi 
ble years for the Golden Eagles to play all 
nes away from home while their 


Bower improved а gre 


is being renovated. 

Tampa moves imo the big time with 
an upgraded schedule that features 
Miami of Florida and San Diego State 
Quarterback Fred Solomon and a large 
supply of fine runners and receivers en 
sure that the Spartans will score ойеп, 
but the defenders, depleted of lineback 
ers and backs, will prob; 


permit even 
scores on the other side of th 
avd, 


nphis Suite plays the toughest sched 
ule in its history. Except for three quar 
terbacks who shared the position last 
‚ the backfield will be filled with 
sophomores, best of whom are flanker 
Bobby Ward and tailback Reuben Gib- 
son, Another sophomore, tickle Euy 
Jones, will star on a defensive crew that 


must carry most of the load. The Tigers 
best hope is quarterback David Fowler, if 
he reaches his full potential during his 
senior year. 


Virginia Tech's new coach, Jimmy 
Sharpe, has installed the Alabama ver 
sion of the wishbone attack and an odd 
defensive line-up, Sharpe should 
the Gobblers considerably more 
respectable than last se 

Pepper Rod; 
fense to Georgia Tech, but he inherits a 
squad that is small, thin and inexpe- 


on 
ers takes his wishbone of 


rienced. In spring practice, he sifted and 


ent to find the һем 


зе result is that the st 


reshuffled his 
athletes and 
q k is 
a defensive back in 


rting 
ely to be Danny Myers, 
If the Jackets 


arter 


can avoid excessive injuries, they will be 


merely respectable, but Tech fans сап 


look joyously to the future. Rodgers is 


a compelling recruiter and now that 


he's working his home turf, he'll have 
the 


Jackets back in the limelight within 
three years. 
To erase the painful memories of last 


year's 0-11 campaign, Florida State has 


imported coach Darrell Mudra, a master 


in the art of turning losing teams into 
winners. He'll be fully tested in Talla 
hassee. He began by installing the veer T 
in spring practice and, although the pass- 
ing game won't be entirely abandoned, 
the Seminoles will feature their strongest 
running attack in memory, with Rudy 
Thomas and tv 


incoming freshmen, Lar 


ry Key and Leon Bright, both of whom 


аге Capable of winning startir 


Г THE NEAR WEST 


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Oklahoma 6-5 
Nebraska 5-6 
Colorado 5-6 
Missouri 5-6 
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Tech 6-5 Texas Christian 4-7 
Baylor 1-10 
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New Mexico Louisville 3-8 
West Texas St. 2-9 


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INDEPENDENTS 
Houston 0-1 lamar 5-5 
Air Force 
Utah State 


TOP PLAYERS: Shoate, Washington, Hughes, 
Owens, Dewey Selmon, LeRay Selmon (Okla: 


homa); Bonness, Crenshaw, Humm, Tony 
Davis (Nebraska); Logan, Payton (Colorado); 
Johnson, Pickens (Missouri); Adams, Ed. 


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Simmons, English, Currin, Burrisk (Tex 
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Rhiddlehoover, R. Smith (Arkansas); Burley, 
Knaus (Texas Tech): Kelcher, Roan (Southern 
Methodist); Walker, Lofton (Rice); Luttrell, 
Terveen (Texas Christian); М. Jeffrey, Schulz 
(Baylor); Chapman (North Texas State); 
Germany, Shiveley (New Mexico State); Hum: 
phrey (Tulsa); Ricketts (Wichita State); 
Lott, Sears (Drake); Peacock (Louisville); 
Schleider, Solis (West Texas State); Gib 
lin, Mitchell, Whitley, Evans, Broussard, 
M. Johnson (Houston); Milodragovich, Young 
(Air Force); Fuhriman, Lavarato (Utah 
State); Flores, Colbert (Lamar); Simmons, 
Marshall (Texas at Arlington). 


Last > Oklahoma fielded the best 


defensive team in the history of the 


school. The offense was merely good. 
This year, it will be the other way 


around, since no outstanding players are 
available to replace seven defensive 
aduates, although PLAYBOY All-America 
linebacker Rod Shoate and the Selmon 
brothers at tackle will see that no one 


gains too many yards against the Sooners. 
Now, to that offense: It will be terrifying 
Steve Davis has become a more confident 
passer, the receivers are outstanding, the 
line is excellent, the runners mercurial 
The ultimate accolade 10 PLAyBoy АШ 


America runner Joe Washington was paid 


by Oklahoma State's publicity director 


who said, “The only way anybody's gonna 
stop them Sooners is if they get some 1 


ole Пу swatters and pass ‘em out to their 


defensive players, and every time that 
little Was 


can whop him, You can't tackle nothin 


on comes scootin’® by, they 


you can’t catch.” Barry Switzer has built 
i team that has everything necessary to 
capture this year’s national championship 
and for that job, we've chosen him our 
Coach of the Y 

This will be the best Nebraska team 
since 1971. It could be the best te 


ar 


n in 
school history. The Cornhuskers’ major 
misfortune is b 


g in the same confer 


ence with Oklahoma, Dave Humm is a 
splendid passer, Tony Davis (moved to 
fullback in the spring) will lead an awe 
some running attack and the offensive 
line (with rLayBoy All-Americas Rik 
Bonness and Marvin Crenshaw) will be 


the strongest ever seen in Lincoln. 


Defense was Colorado's downfall last 
season, and that 


ens to be new 
conch Bill Mallory’s specialty. И he can 
improve it enough to keep other teams 
from controlling the ball, Colorado will 
have 


good year despite a schedule that 
features road games with LSU and Mich. 
дап for openers. On offense, the Buffaloes 
have PLAYwoy All-Americs receiver David 
1 two fine quarterbacks in David 
Williams and Clyde Crutchmer and tail- 
back Billy Waddy. who burned up Big 
Eight playing fields last season as a fresh 
man. Incredibly, another sophomore, 
Melvin Johnson, could beat Waddy out 
of his job. They'll run behind an enor 


mous offensive line 
No team, not even Oklahoma, will 


score many points on Missouri. Conse 
quently, e 


h Al Onofrio’s primary con 
lensive 


cern is to develop a cohesive 


line from a group of able nigsters. 
Onofrio will probably use tandem pass- 


ers this year: senior Ray Smith, an 


option-running quarterback, alternating 
with soph Steve Pisarkiewicz, who's con 
sidered the best passer to play for Mis- 
souri since Paul Christman. With 
Pisarkiewicz on hand and a lesstalented 
group of runners, Onofrio 
with the hallowed Missouri 


ground-oriented offenses. 
With quarterback David Jaynes g 


ne, 


Someda-a-a-a-ay, my prince will come.... 


183 


PLAYBOY 


184 


Kansas coach Don Fambrough has 
shelved the proset offense in favor of the 
veer T. The heir apparent to Jaynes is 
sophomore redshirt Scott McMichael, 
who was impressive in spring drills. De 
spite the conversion to a ground-oriented 
offense, the Jayhawks will still throw the 
ball, because McMichael has a good arm 
and two of the best tar 
football, fankers Bruce Adams and Em: 
meu Edwards. The defensive platoon 


ts in college 


featuring end Dean Zook and cornerback 
Kurt Knofl, will be stronger than last 
year's. 

If we were playing in any other con 
ad shot at the 


м, we'll 


ference, we could have a 


championship, but in the Big Ei 
be just another pretty good country foot 
ball team,” Oklahoma State's Pat Quinn 
told us. The Cowboys must f 


d re 


aduated starters, so 


placements for 12 
there may be depth problems. The best 
freshmen are halfback Terry Miller and 
receivers Robert James and Ben Young 
Sophomore quarterback Charlie Weath 


erbie must learn to operate coach Jim 
Stanley's version of the wishbone offense 
for the Cowboys to enjoy a winning 
season 

Although 14 of last year’s starters are 
gone, Kansas State will be a stronger 
team. There are better athletes in all 
defensive positions, cıpable quarterback 
Steve Grogan has a year of experience 


with the veer T behind him 1 some 


talented sophomores make up a marked 
ly improved receiving corps. Up from the 
J. V.. three runners, L. T. Edwards, Carl 
Whitfield and Roscoe Scobey, have more 
speed than any of last season's backs 

This year, Iowa State has an estab 
lished qu 
Harde 
an and not much else, The Cyclones ha 


terback in sophomore Buddy 


n, a great runner in Mike Strach- 


A 
returned to their historic residence in the 
Big Eight basement 

The spring:practice sessions at Texas 
were so blighted by injuries that it's diffi 
cult to assess the Longhorns’ true poten 
tial. Fortunately, coach Darrell Royal, as 


“Well—for a start, I'm not a woman.” 


always, has legions of quality backup 
players eager for a chance to show their 
abilities, and several untested freshmen 
have already been anointed as All-Ameri 
саз by local sportswriters. Sophomore 
runners Jimmy Walker and Raymond 
Clayborn will join senior Don Burrisk in 
the backfield and Mike Presley and Marty 
Akins will vie for the starting-quarterback 
assignment. PLavnoy All-America tackle 
Bob Simmons should become the best of 


fensive lineman in Texas’ history 

Over the years, we've had а tendency 
to predict better seasons for Texas A&M 
than it’s been able to achieve. In wath 
the 
power in camp, but once the season be 


jes often have impressive man 


genious ways to lose 


gins, they find 
We are pick 


because they once more are loaded with 


them hi this year 


experience, depth and talent. Only one 


of last year’s top 22 players graduated 
only four of the top 44 are gone. The de 
fense is vastly improved. headed by a 
great linebacker, Ed Simonini. ‘There is 
not much depth at running back. but the 
incoming freshmen can solve that prob 
Jem. So keep an eye on the A 
may just mess up 


gies; they 


id win the Southwest 


Conference championship for the first 
time since 1967 

ОГ Arkansas 
iors and seven were freshmen, which 


starters, four were м 


should give you an idea of how much im 
proved the Razorbacks will be They 
looked superb in spring training, when 
the Alabama wishbone was installed. 
The offensive line jelled around sopho- 
more tackle Gerald Skinner 


alded junior colleg 


and her 


uansler runner Ike 
Forté showed that his advance billings 
were justified. There are three qualified 
candidates for starting quarterback. The 
defensive line will be awesome. It should 
be an enjoyable autumn in Fayetteville 

It will be difficult, indeed, for Texas 
Tech to match its ‘73 performance, be 


cause graduation took one All-America 


and six other consensus All-Southwest 
Conference players. New quarterback 
Tommy Duniven has an impressive arm 
and six quality receivers to catch his 
passes, but he's totally inexperienced, 
All this probably spells a slow start but 
а fast finish 

Lack of depth was an a 
lem for Southern Methodist last year 
when пе 


izing prob 


ly every key player was injured 
for at least part of the season. The same 
gh 8 of I1 
1 both platoons. Fresh 


ard Jimmy Green should 


situation exists this year, altho: 


starters return 


man middle gi 
start right away 

Rice players hope to maintain the mo 
mentum they found at the end of last sea 


son, when they progressed from a 1-6 in 


early November to win their last four 
games. They did it with a limp offense 
an alert defense and a superior kick- 
game. This season the offense will 


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he better, with a bigger, inexperienced 
offensive line, quicker runners and more 
experienced quarterbacks and receivers. 
The defensive line, built around vicious 
tackler Cornelius Walker and giant Jody 
Medford, will play havoc with enemy 
runners. Coach Al Conover, enthused by 
what he saw in spring practice, is openly 
optimistic about the coming season, We 
hope his confidence is intact after the 


first four games against Houston, Cincin- 
nati, LSU and Notre Dame. 
Texas 


‘hristian’s '73 problems, po- 
litely breakdown of 
communications between p and 
coaching май, scem to have been solved 
with the arrival of new coach Jim Shof 
ner. The player attitude in spring drills 
was the best 


described as a 
ayers 


many years. A new wide- 


open offense means the Frogs will throw 
more than any team in the Conference, 
Says Shofner, “We don't have the depth 
to win by trying to cram the ball down 
м. We'll try to capi- 
talize on the big play. 
Baylor, still strugglin 
Southwest Conference 


the other guy's thr 


to get out of the 


cellar, won't make 


much progress this year unless it stops 


the ball to opponents. Tt turned 
11 over on fumbles 50 times in 


73. 


so.coach Grant Тел has enough 


celestial influence to avoid excessive 
injuries, the Bears might be respectably 
competitive 
Scrambling sophomore quarterback 
Les Varner could be North Texas State's 
Fry, 


“We're not yet on a par with Southwest 


game breaker. Says coach Hayden 


Conference teams, but we'll get there.” 
The opening game with Fry's former em- 
ployer, SMU, should be interesting. 

New Mexico State has a chance to post 
its first winning season since 1967. Al- 
though Joe Pisarcik has departed for the 
pros, residual passers and incoming fresh- 
men will make the quarterback position 
in, Jim Germany will be one of 
the better runners in the West 


strong 


Tulsa's almost exclusive dependence 
on the The offensive 
line has been rebuilt, some power run: 
found, and the 


pass is changing 


ners running 


improvement in 


game 
showed уам 
drills. 

New Wichita State h Jim Wright 
promises to field a wide-open attack, He 
has plenty of but the 
ranks are thin everywhere else, Wright 
ıd heavily on freshman talent 
ncoming linemen will prob- 
ably be the key to whatever success the 
Shockers enjoy. 


spring 


0d runners, 


ke has two legitimate starters re- 


t quarterback, although Jonas 
he can keep his grades up, 
ely win the position over Је 


186 Martin, Runner Jerry Heston is only 


114 yards away from breaking Johnny 
Bright's career rushing mark. With a weak 
olfensive line, the Bulldogs must depend 
on speed if they are to contend for the 
Conference title. 

Louisville coach T. W. Alley had 
trouble deciding on а quarterback last 
year and this season may find him with 
the same problem. Len DePaola looks 
like the best of the three contending for 
the job, The running game. featuring di 
minutive Walter Peacock and Steve Jew 
ell, will again be excellent, but Alley may 
have trouble putting together an offen 
sive line to block for them: all five of last 
year’s starters graduated 

West Texas State returned to the wish 


bone attack during spring drills in order 
to take advantage of its major asset, sev 
eral good running backs, Place kicker 
Bruce Wyre, who had a 58-yard field goal 
last fall, should at least keep the Buffa 
loes from getting shut out 


If David Husmann proves to be a mere: 
ly adequate quarterback, this will be the 
strongest team in Houston's history. The 

conti 


gent includes 16 players 
who'll probably be drafted by the pros 
and a number of sophomores all ready to 
take over if any of t 


e veterans become 
overconfident. Top offensive players in 
clude runners Marshall Johnson, Donnie 
McGraw and Reggie Cherry. rtaynoy 
All-America defensive back Robert Gib- 
lin is the best player on what is probably 
the best defensive unit in the West. Un 
fortunately, the 
justice to the 


азу schedule doesn't do 
wilable talent, so the 
cougars could be undefeated and still 


not finish in the nation’s top ten. 

With Rich Haynie gone 
back job at Air Force will go to either 
Mike Worden or Ken Vaugh 
cornerback 


the quarter 


a starting 
as a freshman in ‘73. 


ail 
back Chris Milodragovich returns, ably 
backed up by sophomore Ken Wood. De 


fensive tackle Terry Young, at 67”, is 
th 


tallest player in Air Force history, 
and one of the best. Dave Lawson dou 
bles as a linebacker and a place kicker and 
is outstanding at both jobs. 

The 
State's successful 


primary ingredient in Utah 
1973 campaign was а 
nd will be again if coach 


rugged defense 


Phil Krueger can find some replacements 
at the important front positions, The 
running game, fullback 
175 pou 
will ада 
Tom Wilson or 
Swanson will provide the 


built around 
Jerry Cox and tiny (59, 


ха аск Louie Giammona 


be 
Bill 
answer to the 


dangerous. Either 


still-unsettled qur 


terback problem. The 
schedule, however, 


s the toughest ever. 

e ranks with 
its most experienced squad ever. Nine- 
teen 


Lamar enters major colle; 


starters return and quarterback 


Bobby Flores will have two superlative 


THE WAY 


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BETTER 


Authentic replica of the 1930s 
Franklin “Cathedral” Radio. 
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187 


PLAYBOY 


188 


freshman Larry Spacek 
Darrell Wa: 
Texas at Arlington's 


have charged the Mavericks with lacking a 
winning spirit. Last year’s 4-6 team, they 
iy, should have won at least seven 
mes, This season the spirit may 
we willing, l e flesh is still weak 
New coach Elliott greets only three 
returning зе and must depend 
heavily on freshmen and redshirts, But 
the future looks good. Elliott has a knack 
of making winners out of losers and tacular run 
his young squad 1 tential агу squ: ' 
Southern California is gunning for the 
national championship ‚рї 
mism is warranted. Last year's weak 
newses—an inexperienced offensive line 
inc fullback blockii 15 1 
extra pe of fat carried by pLaysoy be a dull year ir 
All-America runner Anthony Davis If California is eve 
have been fixed. Fullbacks Ken Gray and ball respe 
Ricky Bell are excellent blockers and the year, for 


runtled fans 


“Star light, star bright, 
first star I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish I 
.oh, I think I am!” 


might.. 


Огердо! 
been skulking 


1954. This year, A 


18 starters return a 


another 
will stick with the wide 
game installed last fall, bec 


back Alvin White has a bı 


ceivers this season 


Stanford's season will 


well te 
quarterback Mike Corde 


sure. At 64”, 21 


rally inexper 


option runner and a better 


passer. Teamed with runn 


law and Ron Inge and ope 


‘Kifigs: 16 mg. “tar. 10 
12 mg. nicotine av. per cigare 


Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined 
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health 


© онога! 974 


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The cigarette 
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King Size or 


190 


PLAYBOY 


“Frankly, 1 think it’s kind of sexy.” 


a good offensive line, he'll give Stanford 
a potent ground attack. PLAYBoy All- 
America defensive ends Roger Stillwell 
and Pat D п are the best pair in the 
 untry. so opposing teams will probably 
run the ball up the middle, where the 
ny bodies available for the tackle 
alent is uncertain 

in field a 


эу 


т 
positions, but the 

Washington 5 
high-powered running game, featuring 
Irew Jones, and with Chuck Peck at 
urterback, the attack will be more var- 

The defenders, yc 
mature quickly if the Coug: 
tinue their Jong-planned climb to PACS 


te will a 


ad few, must 


s are to con- 


eminence. 

Washington was the Conference door 
mat in "75 (the Huskies didn't win a 
PACS game), but 40 lettermen return 
and the players—surprisingly, alter 
season—are talking Rose Bowl, The op 
timism may be unrealistic, but it reflects 
the new spirit that has developed from 
1 of the formerly dismal 
tions between players and 
coaching май. Head coach Jim Owens 
has even loosened up cnough to indulge 
in a little muted horseplay with his 
charges. Perhaps his cheerfulness derives 
from the fact that his squad has much un- 
publicized talent and is in the perfect po: 
sition to bushwhack a few unsuspecting 
teams 

Last fall, Oregon outgained its oppo 
nents and had the second-best defense in 
the Conference yet finished 2-9 for the 
year. That took imagination. Inadequate 


a tot 
personal т 


rever 


quarter: also helped. This edition 
of the defense may be even beter and 
coach Don Read has switched to the veer 
offense to take advantage of two speedy 
quarterbacks, Ken Spencer and Tom 
Cafferty. Junior college transfer kicker 
Stan Woodfill should collect a Jot of field 
Is. 

The optimism has been running high 


in Tucson as well this summer, Arizona 
shared the Western Conference title with 
Arizona State last year and, with 17 start- 
arvelous freshman 


ers retur dan 
kicker, Lee 
Arizona's year. Fullback Jim Upchurch 


and flanker “Т” Bell will do most of the 


stor, on hand, this should be 


The Arizona State squa 


1. guued by 


graduation, will be new but gifted, espe 


ly in the offensive backfield and de 


sive line. Sophomore Bill Kenney 


seems the best of five contestants at 
quarterback. And freshman runner Jim 
Malone (younger brother of Art and 
Ber 
year. The schedule, with Houston, Texas 


could make a big splash his first 


Christi: 


п and Missouri for openers, may 
traumatize the youngsters before they get 
used to things, but by season's end the 


5 


п Devils should have enough of the 


kinks worked out to salvage a good year. 


Wyoming has some depth for a change, 
especially among the running backs; the 
offensive line is also bigger and the sec- 
ondary is solid. If a quarterback can get 
the ball to Archie Gray, one of the best 
receivers in Wyoming's history, the Cow- 
boys will make a run for the Conference 
championship. 

At Utah, new coach Tom Lovat has 
scrapped last year’s passing offense and 
substituted a less risky balanced attack 
The new quarterback should be Lou 
Onofrio (son of Missouri coach Al) and 
his prime target will be Willie Armstead 
He'll be handing off to runners Ike 
Spencer and Steve Marlowe. 

Despite substantial loses, Brigham 
Young is capable of bettering last sea 
son's disappointing performance. Most 
of the runners and receivers and all of 
the offensive line are gone (Brigham 
Young loses starters to church-mission 
calls 


well as to graduation), but one of 
the Wests best passing combinations, 
quarterback Gary Scheide and receiver 
Jay Miller, is back 

Most everything will be new at New 
Mexico, too, including coach Bill Mondt. 
He abandoned the proset wishbone for 
a wide-open passing attack because of the 
presence of junior college transfer quar 
terback Steve Myer. Things are looking 
better for the Lobos 

Colorado State fans will be happy to 
learn that last year’s defense is improved, 
thanks пк 
ior college of middle linebacker Kevin 
McLain, The quarterbacking is suspect 
but incoming freshman Daryl Powers 

wuld turn out to be а gem. Another 
freshman, Ron Harris, and transfer Jim 
McKenzie will aid the running 

Only 65 players showed up at spring 
practice from a Texas at El 
that was winless in ‘73. Since last winter's 


tly to the arrival from jun- 


iso squad 


recruiting went well, the Miners may be 
starting more freshmen this fall than 


ny 
other team in the country. The star of 
ormer will probably be field 
Bronko Belichesky 
go State, incredibly 


fensive pe 
goal kicker 

San Die 
stronger than last year, despite the loss of 


looks even 


passer Jesse Freitas and most of his re- 


ceivers. New quarterback Craig Penrose 
is capable and a number of junior col 
lege receivers have been recruited 
Defensively, the Aztec will be awesome, 
due to the incoming junior colle 


trans 
fer defenders, best of whom are linemen 
eg Boyd and Mike Gilbert. 
linebacker Whip Walton will be an in- 


сипап 


stant starter. Perhaps the Aztecs will at 
last get that elusive and longaleserved 
bowl bid 

San Jose State, which last year enjoyed 
ason since 1961, will 
enjoy another one. The potent айг attack 
returns full strength and coach Darryl 


its first winning 


Rogers spent the entire spring devel 
oping а complementary running game 
built around transfer runners Магу Stew 
art and Bill Crumley. The defense also 
returns en masse, Rogers says cornerback 
Louie Wright may be the best in the 
country. 

Miracles have been worked the past 
two years at the University of the Pacific 
by a small hard-working coaching май 
that has only 55 football scholarships at 
its disposal (less than half the major col 
lege average) but whose recruiting skills 
annually reap a harvest of junior college 
transfers, Both lines must be rebuilt, an 
annual procedure, but there is the usual 
wealth of fresh talent on hand, The ran 
ning game features breath-taking Willard 
Harrell, who should erase Dick Bass's 
school records this fall. 

Fresno State coach J. R. Boone has 
vowed that no longer will the best foot 
ball players in the San Joaquin Valley 
leave for colleges in other as. He 
proved his point during recruiting sea 
son by raiding local junior colleges to 
bring in 37 recruits. As many as 18 could 
be immediate starters. For the first time 
in years, the Bulld 
supply of linemen. 

Last year was the worst se: 


gs will have a good 


п in Long 
Beach State's history. Assuming further 
deterioration is impossible, this should 
be a bener year. Two newcomers, Herb 
Lust and diminutive Stanford Brewer 
have the speed to give the ground attack 
some zip. 

New Idaho coach Ed Troxel, with the 
help of a seasoned offensive unit, will try 
to make the veer-T offense function 
more successfully this year than last 
He'll have a tough time figuring out how 
to stop other teams, though, because the 
center of the defensive line and the sec- 
ondary were lost to graduati 
the linebacking, built around All-America 
candidate Kjel Kiilygaard, is formidable. 

Hawaii, preparing entry into 
major college ranks, has hired coach 
Larry Price, who emerged from the first 
session of spring practice and issued а 
press release expresing delight that his 
players were cooperating, We were sur 
prised, too, when we read Price's descrip: 
tion of the new “hula T” attack he had 
asked his players to master: “It is," he ex 
plained, “a dau-procesed fourrback of 
5 different shifting 
formations, accomp 1 by four types 
of motion; a ‘flexed’ horizontal align 
ment, with no apparent set tendencies, 
and will feature a sprintout, run-out 


п. Howeve 


fense executed from 


passing attack, four types of options, a 
potential pass from every running play, 
y hole run by any back and 
a blocking scheme best described as ‘pat 
tern blocking. ” Any questions? 


191 


PLAYBO 


132 


> JAZZING 
IN AFLAT continued jron pages 


ting and embarrassing, Girls don't she said. О 
like to be grabbed that 
if they're going to be touched 
Hy there, where it’s so persos 
they want to he touched gently. 
The way you touched my face. That м: 
т ? I asked, and I reached out t 
nd touched the soft skin of her neck, 
1. Yes. th 
he touches lower, Dor 


she said, but you'd bener stop, 
use we're 
my mother won't be h 
tonight, so 1 don't think you should be bed, reading, 
doing that, do у 

1 guess not, I said, 

Though it feels very nice, she said, you 


«1 suid. 

You're welcome, she said, but please when I 
stop. OK? My brother has very gentle 
hands, too, did I tell you he used 10 dress cause T was wea 
me when I was very sm 


The buttons are diflerent, you know, 


, Iggie. I mean, reverse. I me 
all, espe 


ise not to tell t 


P 


1 alone here and of tipsy. you know, 


me till very 


unbutton it for m 


g 


т there, Торі 
hot. 


iten 


basics of 


“Later, Maynard! This is one good thing that is 
not going to happen on a Honda!” 


a girl's blouse, They're the 
boy's. Lots of 

boys have trouble unbuttoning a girl's 
blouse, because the buttons are turned 
round. I remember once, will you prom- 
is to anyone, 1 was fil- 

j, 1 guess, and ГА gone to 
girl's house up the street, she 
t way, but of course everything, she’s not blind 
а keg of beer there, I think it was a party 
for some boy who was going 
Amy. I'm not sure, it was right alter 
arl Harbor. And 1 d 
and 1 got very, well, not drunk, but sort 
nd when I came 
¢ home, my brother was lying here on my 
у mother was out some 
place, he took one look at me and 
Oh-oh. I couldn't even unbutton my own 
blouse, would you believe it? 
And even though 
he'd had lots of practice dressing me 
small, he s 
ting my blouse off that night, 1 guess be 
II over the room, 
Il? Well, actual. oh, God, it was so silly. 1 finally passed 
ly, he used to help me dres right ший out cold and 1 
the time he left for the Army. He'd sit the next morning, my clothes were on 
ıt on the edge of the bed, right the ¢ 

where we're sitting, and I'd be putting v 
on a pair of stockings and fumbling with Гат now 
n garters, Iggie, 1 really don't that might f 

think you should be doing that, do you? Oscar Peterson. I ат 
and he'd say he hoped 1 wasn't planning 
ng those stockings with the ved 

dres or the green one or whatever it 
was, he was really very helpful, 1 miss 


n, from 


k a lot of beer, 


t remember а thing 


‚ You're getting me 


going to attempt something 


ng to demon 


strate what it is like to pl 
and I am going to do so in terms of what 
happened with Susan Koenig 
room that day alter we got through the 
king olf her blouse 
bra and her skirt and her halfslip and 


finally her cotton panties, and after she 
unbottoned my fly and helped me off with 
my undershorts and fell upon me with 
blind expertise and unbridled passion, 1 
am going to prove to you not only what a 
great piano player I am but also what a 
unique and marvelous writer I could be 
(if only 1 had the time), and 1 am going 
to do so by demonstr: 1 

would look like if you w 
the English language 
i smoky night club. An impossible 
you say? Stick around, you ain't 


To keep this 
copping ош 


imple (look, he's а 
I'm going to use 
blues chart with only 21 chords in 
opposed to a more complex 3 
with as many as 64 chords in 
playing a real blues chorus, the chords 
I'd use most frequently in the key of 
Afar, let's say, would be Айа seven, 
Рас seven and E-flat seven. But we're 
hot concerning ourselves with chords in 
what follows; we're substituting words 
for chords. 

This, then, would be the chord chart 
for Jazsing in A-Flat, as it is know 
England (a pun, Mom), or, as it is 
known to Americam blues bulls, simply, 
Up in Swan's Womb (another onc; 
sorry, Mom), 


IKI were 


1: SUSAN 
2: ME 

¥: SUSAN 
1: BED 

5: ME 

6: ME 


7: DECEMBER and AFTER- 
NOON 

Bar 8: HOT and COLD 

Bar 9: AFTERNOON and EVE 
NING 

Bar 10: AFTERNOON and EVE- 
NING 
Bar 11: SUSAN and BEDDED and I 
ıd MYSELF 
Bar 19: LIMP and DUSK and BED 
Each has four beats in it, but the 
last two bars combined have only seven 
beats and are called. traditionally and 
maginatively, a seven-beater. the Last 
beat understood but not played. И you 
count all the са ized word: all the 
bars above. you'll discover there are ex- 
actly 21 of them, just as promised. Their 
selection was de ed by the actual 
incidence of а conventional se chords 
in a typical blues chorus, with which 
I've taken no liberties, Fe ple, the 
word BED in the chart represe 
Afat dominant chord, whe 
BEDDED represents an A- 
inversion—BED, therefor 
BEDDED, the same notes but in а dif- 
ferent order 

The first chorus of the tune will con- 
sist of these chords’ being played in the 
left hand and the composers melody’s 
being played in the right hand almost ex- 
actly as he wrote it. ГИ add a swing to it 


exan 


that did not exist in the original sheet 
musi 


(solely as a courtesy) for my audience. 
The choruses following the head chorus 
will be improvised, invented on the spot, 
nd will bear no resemblance to the orig- 
inal tune, unless I choose to refer back to 
it occasionally, again solely as а courtesy. 
I am interested only in the chord chart. 
And the chart consists of those 21 words 
listed previously. The rest is all melod: 
my melody, not the composer's. In f 
the melodies 1 improvise in each succeed- 
ing chorus may have nothing whatever to 
do with sex per se, except as sex defines 
the over-all “mood” of the tune. In short, 
the blowing line I invent to go with the 
chord progression doesn't need to maki 
an emotional or philosophic commit- 
ment to the composer's melody. 1 can use 
all sorts of musical punctuation in my 
running line—cighth notes, eighth-note 
triplets, 32nd notes, 64th notes, runs— 
the way I would use commas, semicolons, 
periods or exclamation points. 1 
tial figures, augmenting or 
diminishing licks as 1 see fit, or I can uti- 
lize silences if 1 choose. (A jazzman liste: 
ing to J. J. Johnson once said, “I sure 
ates he’s playing,” and anoth- 
plied. “/ like the ones he isn't 
ing.”) 1 can do whatever 1 want with 
ever melody I invent. 1 am entirely 
free to create. 

But I cannot deviate from the chart. 
Once the chart is set in motion, it is invi- 
ble, it is inexorable, it is inevitable. I 
am locked into it tonally and rhythmi 
cally. 1 cannot change SUSAN to ALICE, 
nor can I hold that chord for longer than 
the four beats prescribed in bar one, 
th 1 can, of course. repeat it four 
times in that measure, if 1 like. At the 
end of those four beats, ME must come 
for another four beats; the chart so 
ates. When it comes time for me to 
play AFTERNOON for two beats in bar 
seven. ГА better not be lingering on DE 
CEMBER. 1 сап use substitute chords, or 
passing chords, or what are known as ар- 
poggiatura chords—SHOT to HOT or 
BLIMP to LIMP—but only to get me 
where 1 have to be when I have to be 
there. Jazz is a moving, volatil i 
force that is constantly going someplace. 
Each chord exists only because it is in 
motion foward the next chord and from 
the chord preceding it, It's pure Marxist 
music, in a sense, utilizing the dialectic 
process throughout. I сап take the chord 
EVENING and break it arpeggio 
if 1 choose. transforming near 
EVE, ЕХ, ING, or 1 can play it diatoni- 
.N.LN,G, as a mode, or 1 сап 

shell, EVNG, but 1 have to 
it is part of the chart and the 
is the track upon which the express 
train of my improvisation runs. 

So—in the first 12 bars, ГЇЇ play Ja 
ing in A-Flat as the composer wrote it, 
and mixing right-hand melody 


ol 


with left-hand harmony, because we're 
doing prose here and not musical not 
and anyway that's exactly as you'd 
it. In the next 12 bars, I'll improvise 
a jazz solo with a blowing line unrelated 
to the original melody except where brief 
reference may be made to it, the entire 
improvisation based on those 21 chords 
in the entless chord chart. Then, uti 
lizing whatever bag of tricks 1 possess, VIL 
take us into the final 12 bars, where I'll 
play the head again almost as straight as 
I did at the top, and then go home 
(“head and out,” it’s called). АП of 
this will be enormously abbreviated, you 
understand. A jazz solo, especially on а 
blues chart, can go on and on all night. 
This solo will consist of only three 
choruses, 

Ready? 

Abh-onetwothreefour, . . . 

SUSAN spent six hours with/ME, who 
soon learned that/SUSAN was not a vir 
gin, that her/ BED had been shared with 
her brother, who, НКе/ МЕ, had desired 
but. unlike/ME, had been hump. 
д her for years. DECEMBER was my 
that AFTERNOON apartment 
HOT radiators clanging, COLD wind 
rating the windows,/ AFTERNOON 
waning, EVENING on the way, Oh, that 
AFTERNOON! Coming four times and. 
in the EVENING, once again in/SU- 
SAN’s mouth, BEDDED still, she asked 
that I let MYSELF ош, lying there 
LIMP, still wearing dark glasses, as DUSK 
shadowed the rumpled BED. 

SUSiphANy SU SU  whispering/ ME, 
and oh, andering, MEandering, brown 
eyed SUSAN flamboyant, optimum 
BED! a dead hollow vesper, a conspir 
wsee/ME-eyed  poinciana, ME-eyed,/o 
solo ME-eyed poin-/ DEE-CEM-BER, all 
white, and A-F-T-ERNOON all all all 
un-ending./HOT musky HOT mustard, 
COLD stinking COLD thurible,/ AFTER- 
sun and NOON sinking, E.V.E.NING 
fuck and tongue. an/AFTERuiste, but 
JOON gone, AFTER-NOON scr 
ing. screening EVEN-ING /SUsuSA? 
SANitary seas, BEDazAED by moonlight 
and 1...1. , . coconutfronded, MY- 
camelSELFconsciousness slinkily slum- 
bering/LIMPingly stuttering, DUSKily 
darkening, deepening daisies and violets 
in BEDs 

SUSAN six hours with/ME all aston 
ished, for/SUSAN’s no virgin, her/ BED 
was her brother’st!/ME she fucked roy 
ally./ME she taught brotherwise. all 
through / DECEMBER, or all AFTER- 
NOON, at least. HOT dizzy licks, COLD 
chops but warm cockles,/ AFTERNOON 
heat begat cool EVENINGS expertise. 
=RNOON practice for EVENING'’s 
y-she-oh /SUSAN! oh Christ! how she 
d wedded and urged that I 
be MYSELF./LIMPly suggested she'd 
best be alone now, DUSK softly shrugging 
and hugging her naked and leaving her 
lying in shades on her BED. 


I got 
it free! 


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PLAYBOY 


194 


A PLACE TO AVOID „а 


that one incident would have been 
enough. There would have been no 
further trouble here.” Bauer tilted his 


bottle up, draining it. “Well, the past is 
past, Giachetti. We're building a new 
Europe He smiled blearily 
across at the young Ita Соор 
is the way пом. The war proved that 
military domination by e country 
The Romans were wiser 


you and 1." 


ation 


is not feasible 
Giacheui. They 
the ways of the people in the areas under 


adapted themselves to 


their influence.” 


back 
fell, but 


Giachetti got to his feet, pusl 
It tipped a 
he didn’t stoop to right it 
"The Romans ruled for 
said Bauer 


ing softly and nodding his head, 


the 


mp chair 


nearly a 
thousand years," He sat smil 
1 dreamy 
expression on his face A thousand 
And for the they ex 
erted the force of their natural superi 
ority by t That is, 
they achieved the result of war by peace 


years! most part 


e and commerce 


That was the 
key to their strength, you see, They didn’t 
They spread out bit 
their 


ful expansion and control 


depend on conquest 


own colonies 


establishi 
the less disciplined peoples.” 


If you'll excuse me,” 


by bit 
imong 
Giachetti said 
harshly. He turned and opened the door 


Yes, the Romans showed that there 
we other and more effective ways to 
rule ш 

Good night, Herr Bauer,” said Gia- 


closed the 
strode off into 


chetti, and he stepped outside 


behind him and 


the darkness. 
Three days later, the access road was 
completed. Equipment for later stages of 


ning to 


the project was be irrive 
Laborers still were needed, but the capo 
told Giachetti that the men from the vil 
did not intend to contir 


e working 


Bauer was not disturbed by this when 
Giacheuti reported it to him, "Whi 
he asked sarcastically, “are they still 
worried about the spirits?” 

The capo didn't say.” 
gazed with satisfaction at the 


Bauer 


“Chang 


, please.” 


e 162) 


completed road that curved and dipped 


across the rolling land toward the distant 
highway, out of Don't worry, 
Giachetti. They'll come straggling back 
chuckled. “I think they 
now that we've laid their ghosts 


sight 


tomorrow.” He 
realize 
to rest for good!” He started over toward 
the construction shed, where the men had 
assembled for their рау. "Рау them ой, 
Giachetti,” he said genially, “and tell 
them to come back tomorrow, There'll 
be work for them all! No—don't bother 
I'll tell them myself.” 

He came to а halt amo: 


g the villagers 
and swung about, his hands on his hips, 
smiling, and began speaking to them in 

accented Italian. “Domani 


ото per tutti!” ‘The 


his harsh 


venite domani! Lav 


men edged away from him, crowding 
toward the table where Giachewi had 
brought the cashbox. Bauer called after 
them: “Tornate qui domani. Molto la 


voro da fare—per tutti quanti!” Gia 
chetti unfolded a camp chair 
behind the table and took out the packet 


sat down 


of pay envelopes. Bauer moved over to 
stand beside him. “Domani,” he repeated 
loudly Venite domani!” Giachetti be 


gan calling 
out the envelopes one by one 


out the names and passing 


as the Ц 


stepped forward 


auer stood sweating in the sun. “They 
must think they're millionaires now 
Giacheui.” he muttered, "With a litle 


cash in their pockets, they don’t have to 
a while,” He raised his voice 
his summons: “Venite 
the men looked at 
k his envelope, opened 
bills, and then walked 


over to join those who had already been 


worry fc 
n, repeatir 
None of 


him. Each one 


it, counted the 


paid. They stood with their backs to 
Bauer. The German didn't realize this 
ıt first. Then he frowned. “What are 
they doing that for, Giachetti?” he asked 


in annoyance. Giachetti, pretending not 


to have heard, went оп reading off 


the names. The men who stepped up to 
the table continued to ignore Bauer; the 
group that stood turned away from him 


grew steadily 1 


' 


Those bastard peasants,” Bauer 


What are they trying 
He squinted distrust 


muttered angrily 
to do—insult пи 


fully their way. The sight of the silent 
men all facing in the other direction en 
raged him. The color rose in his neck 
he worked his fingers, clenching and un 


They take my money 
һ, damn them,” 


clenching his fists. 
quick enou 
He strode 
then 


he snapped 


a few steps toward the group: 
irresolutely, he 


Venite 


paused and re 
turned. domani,” he repeated 
shouting out the words, his voice sound 
ing choked, as if stifled by the 
He wiped his forehead 
his breath. 

When the next man approached the 
table, 


him. “Vieni domani, tu," he said, his 


silence. 


cursing under 


Bauer moved forward, confronting 


voice hoarse 
didn't 


velope 


and challenging. The man 
k up. He ex 


moving his lips as he counted 


ned his en 


the m 


aside to go 
hell do 
called 


turned 
What the 


over to the others. 
you think you're 
after 


when I speak to you, you look at me, do 


him, in German. “You bastard 
He was sweati 
his face was darkly flushed 


of that man’s name,” he 


you hear g heavily now 
Make 
told Giachetti. 
z him, I can tell you 
added. 
man to be paid walked away from him 
with averted eyes, “Strike them both off 
the lis!” Then he burst out 
Strike them all ой! Let 
their filthy village! Pigs! 
hire any of the He stood breathing 
hard doubled. “They'll pay for 
this, Giachetti,” he said, with 


I won't be rehiris 


or this one, either,” he ıs the next 


raging 


them rot in 


Animals! 1 won't 


his fists 
Don't they realize that things are 
Don't they 


smile 
going to change around here 
know there'll be 


begotten place 


a new order in this mis 


The last man was paid. Giacheui 
snapped the eashbox shut and got up, his 
mouth working tensely. “Listen, Herr 
Bauer. I don't think they're trying to 


offend you personally. It may have some 


thing to do with their superstition about 
this place 

Oh, really?" said 
Well 


that any 10; 


ıer, sneering. 


they won't have to worry about 


It doesn’t belong to them 


now. It's mine. I own it—ghosts and all!” 


He tightened his belt and went over 
to the jeep, glari 


Watch t 


vindictively at the 


villagers is.” he yelled at them 


“Guardate!” He climbed in behind the 
wheel. “I found a better way up yester 
day.” he told С hetti, who h 

lowed him. Then, cutting dangerously 


workmen, he 


gunned the jeep off toward the sea, swung 


close to the group of 


left at the edge of the plateau and went 


twisting among the scrub vegetation and 


boulders there, heading toward the 
promontory 

Giachetti moved over toward the men 
who were silently watching the progress 


о: “Why 
to insult the man?” The 


of the jeep. He spoke to the 


did you have 


capo looked at him quietly but made no 
reply. Сіасһеці lowered his gaze and 
turned uncomfortably aside. 

of the men remarked 
ked up at the prom 


Eccolo,” one 
softly. Giachetti lc 
ontory and saw the distant jeep appear, 
nd reappear 


vanish behind some rocks 
higher up. 

The top of the promontory was not 
flat. It still had ап upward slant, mount- 
ing to the point where it broke off above 
the rocks, 100 feet below along the shore 
The men standing on the plateau could 
observe the greater part of the grove of 
pines and saw the jeep when it reached 
the top. Bauer stopped there and stood 
a tiny figure, ium. 
Then he re- 
sumed his seat and be driving among 
all about іп an erratic 
then re 


behind the wheel 


phantly waving his arms. 


the pines, wheeling 


circuit, at times Tost to sight 


waving, 


one arm raised high and still 
as he cut back and forth, takin 


iri 


possession of the place. Giacheuti i 


ined that he could hear him shouti 


but the only sounds were the far-off 
inding of the jeep. faintly echoing 
down, and the breathing of the silent 


men around him and the 


whispering 
wash of the sea against the rocks 

It was on Bauer's fourth or fifth swing 
grove of pines that the jeep 
exploded. They There 
great ри of dirt, lifting machine 
e the slap 

A plume 


around the 
all saw it clearly 
was а 
and man together. Then са 
of the blast. After that 


of smoke wavered in a current of air and 


silence 


dissolved 

Giachetti seized the саро by the arm 
What was it?” he said hoarsely, staring 
ıt the old man. The capo regarded him 
imp: 
looked up 


Сіасћеці 


sively but said nothin 
at the 
thing 


promontory. He 


could see there now 
from 


there,” 


The capo dise хі his arm 


p. “They put it 


Giacheni's g 


he said. 
his head, dazed and 


They? You mean the 


Giachetti shook 
uncomprehending, 


Germans: 


There are many mines up there,” the 
old man said softly, “They left a great 
many 

But after the war, the mines were lo 
cated and removed.” Giachetti looked 
wound uncertiinly, “At least . . . in most 


places, Some may have been missed 


They left a great many the 
repeated. “Up there and down below 
too, We have had several people killed 
by them 

You knew there were still mines 
up there 

The capo shrugged 

You knew.” said Сіасһеці, “but you 


didn't warn him? 


He was warned,” said the capo, and 


then he turned and joined the other 


men, who were trudging back along the 
home 


road, going 


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do plants have orgasms? 
(continued from page 140) 
Secretary Kissinger boarding a plane for 
Syria, Henry Aaron standing next to 
dugout water cooler, Dick Cavett inter- 
viewing Kate Smith, etc. Meanwhile, the 
rest of the staff crowded against the 
laboratory door, giggling and cracking 
bathroom jokes. Suddenly, the techni- 
cian whipped out a photo of a bull this- 
tle exposing his anther. Not only did the 
galvanic response of the plant knock the 
needles off the chart but one of our stall 
members fainted and t others rushed 
to the powder room to relieve themselves. 
Many people Зап plants experi- 
ence orgasm? The answer is; usually ye 
unless their partner's technique is faulty. 
Most plants not only have no dithculty 
reaching climax but even like to smoke a 
quiet cigarette afterward 
The rest of the reproductive cycle of 
plants is well known to the reader, but it 
may come as a revelation that abortion is 
common among plants. Adolescent dahl 
ias who get into trouble after “going all 
the way,” for example, cin go to а sort of 
с where paramedical weevils perform 
а simple D and C—lefoliate and clip. 
Possibly the dramatic and far 
reaching research performed at the 
institute concerns plants’ extraordinary 
ability to detect and respond to sexual 
"vibrations" in humans. Not only 
plant read your erotic fantasies but it can 
tell when you've had One 
afternoon, a very pretty lab assistant at 
sached wires Irom her cerebral cortex to 


an a 


intercourse 


the stem of a zinnia, then hooked the zin- 
nia up to a liedetection machine and 
started concentrating on her favorite erot- 
ic fantasy; namely, that a tapir was lick- 
ing her right kneecap. She began to get 
extremely excited and watched the zin- 
nia carefully to see its reaction, Although 
the zinnia seemed as placid as before, the 
needles on the machine were going crazy. 
Fearful that the flow ght be showing 
symptoms of frigidity, she bent over to 
examine As her skirt rose up her 
thighs, the lie detector brutally assaulted 
and raped her, leaving her more dead 
than alive. 

Most plants would not remain so pas- 
sive, however, for they have a dee 


av 


sion to violence of any sort. Not long 
ago, a farmer's wife was returning home 
ulone on а country road, Suddenly, she 
was seized and stripped by a crazed assail 
ant and dragged into a cornfield. He 
dropped his pants, revealing a huge, lust 
swollen organ. Just as he was about to 
have his way with her, the cornstalks 
began swaying with wild alarm, beating 
the assailant on the head with ears of 
corm until he could take it no more, He 
got olf the woman and fled. The fol- 
lowing day, the woman returned to the 
cornfield and burned it down, 

\ growing number of responsible sci 
cntists believes that plants hold the key 
de nded on ре 
olden rule. Others say plants 


ler fe e, love 


don't mean a goddamn thing 


“I like to think I'm a patriot, but actually I'm a fascist.” 


(continued from page 130) 
cles. After all, itself is just one 
prolonged miracle. It’s when you're madly 
in love that you look for miracles.) 


All in all, it was the old problem of 
the happy lunatic begging for love. / love 
you! If I said it in English, it meant 
nothing. (Who would think, for instance, 
that utiful word like omanko means 
in Japanese, it was 
verboten, because premature. To [0 
" she once told 


talk about love—th 
idea, Yet every night, at the piano ba 
was nothing but love, love, 16 
of love poured from the ivories; 
gales warbled in her throat, all singing 
love among the roses. By one A.M., the 
ning with love. Even the 
away betwe 
A sweet death. 
sweet 


joint was st 


es were friggin 
the keys. Love! Just love. 
And in Japanese it sounds eve 

Gokuraku Beneath the mascara 
was the shadow of her smile, And 1 
neath the smile lurked the melancholy of 
her race. When she removed her eyelash. 
es, there were two black holes into which 
one could peer and see the river Styx 
Nothing ever floated to the sur All 
the joys, all the sorrows, all the dreams, 
all the illusions were anchored deep in 
the subterranean stream, in the tohubohu 
of her Japanese soul 

Her black, sluggish 
more eloquent to me than any words she 
might utter. It was frightening. too, be- 
cause it spoke of the utter meaningless- 
ness of things. So it is, so it always was. so 
it always will be. What now, my love? 
Nothing. Nada. In the beginning, as in 
the end- silence. Music is the 
hemstitching of the faceless soul. 
tom she hated it 
with the void. 

“Love Forever in Bossa Nova.” 

And so, after months and months of it 
what with the itching toe. the un 
swered letters, ne fruitless telepi 
calls, the mah-iongg, tne 
duplicity, the friv as d frigidity, the 
gorilla of despair that I had 


ace 


silence was far 


bloody 
At bot 
At bottom she was one 


me 


mendacity and 


become 


began to wrestle with the devil called In: 
somnia, Slipslopping around at three, 
four and five in the morning, I took to 


g on the walls—broken sentences 
Your silence hi. meant nothing to 
I'll outsilence you.” Or, "When the 
d.” Or (cour 
at be look 


ly found 


wr 
like 
me 
sun sets, we count the de 
tesy of a friend). "You would 
ing for me if you had ne 
* Or the weather report from Tokyo, 
in Japanese: “Kumore го 
Sometimes just “Good night!” ("О yasumi 
nasai?") 1 began to sense the germ of a 


me 


i doki ame.” 


new insanity sprouting in me, Sometimes 


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I went to the bathroom, looked in the 
mirror and made funny faces, which 
frightened hell out of me. Sometimes 1 
just sat in the dark and implored the tele 
phone to ring. Or hummed to myself, 
“Smoke gets in your eyes." or yelled, 
“Merde!” Maybe this was the best part of 
it all, so help me. God. Who сап say? I 
had been through it before, dozens of 
times, yet each time it was new, different, 
more painful. more intolerable. People 
said 1 looked wonderful, was gettin 
younger every day. and all that crap. 
They didn’t know that there was а splin- 
ter in my soul. They didn’t know that 1, 
was living in a satin-lined vacuum. ‘They 
didn’t seem to realize what a cretin 1 had 
become. But 7 knew! 1 used to get down 
on my knees and look for an ant or a 
cockroach to talk to. 1 was getting tired 
of talking to myself. Now and then, 1 
would take the receiver off the hook and 
pretend to talk to her—from overseas, no 
less. “Yes, it's me, Henry-San, I'm in 
Monte Carlo [or Hong Kong or Vera 
cruz, what matter]. Yes, I'm here on busi 
ness. What? No, I'll only be a few days. 
Do you miss те? What? Hello, hello, ..." 
No answer. Line dead. 


tail full surren- 


Does love, true love, ¢ 
That was ever the question. Is it not 
return, however 
superman or a god? 
Gan one bleed 


de 
human to expect so 
small? Must one be 
Are there limits to givin, 
forever? 
Some talk of strategy, as if it were a 
game, Don’t your hand, Play it 
cool. Back Pretend, pretend! 
Though your heart is breaking, never be 
tray your true feelings. Always behave as 
if nothing matters. That’s the kind of ad- 
vice they give to the lovelorn 
However, ау Hesse says, 
have the power to find its own way to 
certainty. Then it ceases merely to be at 


show 
away 


“Love must 


tracted and begins to attract.” 

And then—? Then God help us, for 
what we attract may not be at all to our 
taste. And what we so longed for n 
prove to be no longer desirable, And 
whether we attract or are attracted, all 
that matters is the one and only, the ba- 
kari. More important than enlightenment 
is the missing half. The Buddhas and the 
Christs are born complete, ‘They neither 
seck love nor give love, because they are 


love itself 
and again must discover the meaning of 


But we who are born again 


love, must learn to live love as the flower 
lives beauty 

How wonderful, if only you can be 
lieve it, act on it! Only the fool, the ab. 
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PLAYBOY 


198 


STOPOVER continued from page 157) 


culture? No? Well, that’s probably the 
sensible course. Work up to it, find a 
simple hotel, walk about the streets of 
the city, sit in a café and read а litle 
poetry, let the harsh yellow light flood 
through the mind’s chambers. 

I tell my grandfather that it's just a 
stopover. 

He accepts this with a smile and a 
wave of his hand. It’s too bad, of course, 
he says, but Mann kann nicht alles tun, 
and if I have a schedule to keep on this 
journey, nicht zu machen, а few days in 
Athens are better than nothing. (My 
grandfather was Danish-American, not 
German, 5. 


the German army, after Germany had 
inhaled his region of Denmark. But I 
ge a Danish accent, even in 
the privacy of my imagination, and since 
1 must invent both ends of this profitless 
dialog, I indicate my ancestor's foreign- 
ness by giving him а few lines in the 
only foreign language I know.) 

I'm sorry, Grandfather, 1 tell him, 
The stopover is for an hour and ten 
minutes. There's not time for the Асгор 
olis, but 1 think I saw it from the air as 
we were landing. 

My grandfather looks at me sharply, 


seems about to say something, then ap: 
pears to reconsider. When he does speak, 
it is in the tone a patient man п 
when replying to a neighbor's child who 
just described the plot of a school 
play. “Yes. And your destination is, was 
hast du gesagt, Karachi? I'm sure that 
you will find much there to interest 


he thing is,” I explain, “we get 
to Karachi at ten minutes after midnight 
and we leave п at 2:45 A.M. So there 
won't be much е to look around.” 
There is no response from my ancestor 
and to myself I tick off some of the places 
I have visited опу in the sense that I 
have killed an hour or so in their air- 
ts: Cairo; S: ntebbe; 
nkfurt: Keflavik: 
Dayton; Buffalo; Winnipeg: someplace 
in Texas; Barcelo And Karachi late 
tonight, Peshawar tomorrow. 
I decide to recite this strange list to 
my grandfather. Old people, І have no- 
ticed. generally respond well to the 
what-isthe-world-coming-to? theme. І ar- 
ge my face in an ironic grin. 
andfather, however, does not re- 
He is looking at his 
vest-pocket model on а 
һ а gold flipup lid covering 


G 
ceive my sig 


watch. It 
chain, wi 


the glass. He replaces the watch in his 
vest, slaps his hands on his knees and 
stands up: a short, square, durable man 
with a sandy mustache. He says that he 
has enjoyed very much having had this 
opportunity to chat with те. 

"Aren't you flying to Karachi with 
You've never been on a jet.” 

Grandfather says no. Now that I have 
imagined him here in Athens—and he is 
most grateful for the favor—he plans to 
have a look around. He shakes hands 
gravely, says auf Wiedersehen and walks 
toward Passport Control, through 
which he passes unnoticed. 

1 wander about the large and hand- 
some arrivalsand-departures building, 
h is built of a material that resem- 
bles marble. 1 check to see whether the 
Herald Tribune has arrived yer, then 
spend some time looking at a display of 
watches. People from Des Moines and 
Stuttgart stand beside me. Each of us 
years a fine watch, but we inspect the 


before. 
my fight is called, 1 show my 
boarding card to the smiling attendant 
k out into the yellow light. On 
rd the plane there is music. A string 
orchestra is playing Begin the Beguine. 


“I take it, then, that we are not the first safari ever to visit this area.” 


any moment there might issue a voice, 
an evil presence, a bronzed and fleshy- 
torsoed, gross and muscular jinni, сара- 
ble of gratifying the wildest fancy, and— 
who knows?—once sed, impossible 
to bottle up again. But Rosemary sharp- 
ly checked this train of thought, declaring 
it to be inoperativ 

Resentful at being declared inopera 
tive, the telephone at once went off like 
an alarm clock. No need for Rosem: 
to ask for whom that bell pealed: it 
pealed for her. She found she was mov- 
ing. and quickly, to pull the blind down, 
and then with slowing pace toward the 
clamorous phone. She lifted the receiver 
as though it weighed a ton and sank. ex 
hausted, speechless and almost lifeless, 
onto the couch 

Se at the other end appeared to 
be offering ith-tomouth — resuscit 
tion, The thought, like all good medi- 
cine, was distasteful but cflective, After 
а Rosemary was able to say, 
с quite a speech, possibly 


from a 
AY 


ice. Томго 


grace helore 
inquired, “Have I the pleasure of 
» Miss Rosemary Underwood? 
“This is she. What cm 1 do for you? 
That is to say, wh speakin 
"Опе who adores you 
“L can hardly believe 


es. In the li- 
m row right 
Looking up a 
relerence in the Britannica, Looking 
right up your dres, Miss Underwood. 7 
Rosemary instinctively but all too ret- 
tively brought her knees together. In 


t was, though she had never thought 
ау such. the very center of her 
sing. she experienced а feeling akin to 


that of the sensitive sea anemone at the 
i i п of a stick. 
n view of which,” continued the 


mellow-cello voice that poured like bad 
music from the earpiece. "in the very 
beautiful view of which, m 1 you 


у! 


Rosemary?” 
“I suppose you may as well.” 
“Rosemary. I have said 1 adore you. 


Some people think anyone who calls up 
on the telephone is nothing but a dirty 
rotten pervert. 1 hope you don't think 
that of me, Rosemar 
“You may be a little 
“Love is a ig compulsion, m 


de 


“I bet you say that to all the girls,” 
said Rosemary, using a phrase she had 
heard on some street corner, and finding 
the game not too difhcult, so f 

“Only by of practice.” returned 
the other. idn’t dare call you up 
without a rehearsal or two. I's because 
I'm shy and timid where you are con- 
cerned. It’s not because I'm lacking in 


true manhood. I'm not in the least lack- 
ing in true manhood, Rosemary, and 1 
hope you'll allow me to prove it to you.” 

With that, the abandoned wretch, 
speaking in the peculiar tone, at once 
Drazen and furtive. at once hesitant and 
urgent, of the hardened sensualist, invit- 
ed Rosemary to a litle monkey business 
th a zipper. One thing leads to anoth- 
he next impalpably took her by the 
nd and drew her upon а conducted 
tour of a сауйу not as large as that of 
Kentucky nor decorated like that of Las- 
caux but not entirely devoid of points 
of interest. But nothing on such a wip 
сип be more tiresome than the patter of 
the guide. He extolled his sulactites ат 
agmites as though this were the 
eighth and these the ninth and tenth 
wonders of the world. After ttle re- 
luctant curiosity. and even faint begin- 
nings of awe, Rosemary became annoyed 
when she sensed that the whole display 
was being thrust down her throat, as 
were. At once, and in vehement distast 
“Why,” she cried, “you filthy, disgusting 


beast!” Remembering the community. 
she fell silent. 
There was silence. but somehow not 
an answering silence, at the other end. 
“Are you there?” faltered Rosemary, 
More silence. An empty phone booth, 
its door gaping wide on a dead city. Infi 
nite empty space beyond, Utter failure, 
And then, like the first faint note of 
the reprise of a motif that had seemed 
utterly Jost, her interlocutor spoke up, 
but in a small pouting voice, prickly 
with offense, and rather high-pitched, as 
if a shark had been at him: “Now you've 
hurt my feeling nk Td bener 
hang up. 

“Oh, don't do tha cried Rosemary 
“I didn't quite mean what I said 
“You want me to forgive you’ 

“Oh, please.” 
“Will you prove your sincerity?” 
“ILI can." 

“You'll have to be punished a little,” 
“Punished? 
“Tm айй so, 

spank,” 
Believe it or not, these simple words 


1 


Rosemary 


Poppa 


LT. CHAPMAN 


DETECTIVE 
DIVISION 


“I really nailed this 
weirdo good, Lieutenani—I wait about 


fifteen minutes, then I bust in—il w 


s enough to turn 


your stomach, this pervert going down on this broad. 
Can you imagine what kind of filthy degenerate 
would doa thing like that?” 


199 


PLAYBOY 


200 


created а turmoil somewhere deep їп 
Rosemary's mind, a turmoil such as can 
only be compared to the effect of a high- 
speed outboard motor circling in a nud- 
ist swimming pool. Rounded objects 
seemed to be floating everywhere in a 
rosy froth of misty memories and tin- 
gling thrills. Juvenile squeals echoed 
faintly from the forgotten past. The fact 
is, her own father, whom she had abso: 
lutely adored as а moppet, had been a 
litle old-fashioned in his methods of 
nursery discipline. 

“Oh!” said Rosemary. 

“I want you to do exactly as I tell you, 
without fail, Or it's goodbye forever at 
the first sign you're up to any tricks, 
Are you sitting on the couch, by 
chance?” 

“Well, yes, I am,” said Rosemary 

"I want you to kneel up in the middle 
of that couch and put your head down 
on the cushion at the end, Put the tele 
phone close beside you, so I can tell by 
the tone of your voice that you're doing 
what Tsay and feeling what 1 want you 


пу 


to feel, If not—" 

“I'm kneeling. Just the way you said,” 
whispered Rosemary, all in a fuster 

“Very well. Now, my naughty dear, I 
must ask you to, ..." And what do you 
think the infamous wretch ordered our 
poor Rosemary to do? He demanded 
that she raise this garment, and undo 
this, and lower these, until, like a frig 
ened ostrich, she was reared invertedly 
up, with all her delicate plumage in 
foamy disarray. "Thank heaven,” thought 
Rosemary, “that 1 first had to lower the 
blind!” 


Now her telephone tyrant, after the 


ht 


insubstantial homage of a compliment 
or two rendered sight unseen, adminis 
tered a wicked little tickle that ran gig 
gling for the nearest cover. There, since 
sound and feeling were indistinguishable 
in this peculiar experience, it could still 
be felt trembling with suppressed merri 
ment like a child at hide-and-seek. 

Rosemary was next invited to enter 
tain a pair of smart slaps, evenly distrib- 
uted, and to acknowledge receipt of 
same. Remembering that, for the sake of 
the community, this had to be done as 
expressively as possible, the conscientious 
subject replied with a quiver and a quaver 
worthy of a student of the method. 

‘This in turn provided sauce for both 


goose and gander, You cannot possibly 
imagine, unless you are as depraved and 
corrupt this villainous voluptuary 
himself, the unseemly postures he or- 


dered his hapless victim to assume, nor 


how he darted upon her with a fusillade 


of warming slaps and stinging kisses that 


made her cry out even more convincing- 
the 
n of 


ly than before. Thereupon, markir 


change with the piercing punctuat 


a precisely placed pinch, he resorted to 
remorseful strokings and tender caresses, 
all to the accompaniment of cooing 
sounds of such sweet solicitude that Rose. 
mary, like the crystal that returns the 
note of the violin, found herself respond- 
ing with a соо or two of her own, This 
was the unhappy lady's undoing. 

Quick to recognize the unguarded 
sincerity of this response, the distant 
aggressor became so inflamed that he 
implanted whole colonies of kisses, set 
tling them in regions hitherto unknown 
to man, and soon, in the name of law 
and order, he sent his vigorous viceroy to 
take charge. 


Once apprised of the arrival of this ar- 


rogant minion, whose progress was soon 


being celebrated with the drumfire de 
livery of a redhot sports announcer, 
Rosemary found herself possessed by a 
sensation that can only be described as 
indescribable. And that rapidly became 
more so. 

I don't know if you have ever contem 


plated a giant tank of that liquid high 


explosive known as soup during those 
fatal moments when it takes on a life of 
its own, heaving, quaking, palpitating 
with a mysterious agitation аз it ар 
proaches, and recedes from, and ap 
proaches ever nearer the flash point of 
an explosion that will level whole city 
blocks on every side. Lacking such an ex 
perience, you can form no idea of how 
Rosemary's whole being was heaving, 


quaking and palpitating and approach 
ing by wave alter wave that block 
leveling flash point. But suddenly she was 
startled and arrested by a harsh ery at 
the other end of the line, followed by a 
succession of staccato yelps much like the 
babbling of a pack of hounds in full ery, 
which in turn put her in mind of the 
pounce of the fuzz. Now she listened, 
quick-frozen with terror, to the sound of 


hoarse and strangled breathing, as if the 


police had him by the collar, choking 
him imo submission, Suddenly the 
phone, that instrument that had seemed 
so electronically vibrant with a super- 


ashing life force, went dead 
Nothing сап be more dismaying than 
to hold such an instrument in one’s 
1. “He has 


been cut off,” cried Rosemary, “He has 


hand and suddenly find it dea 


been snatched, as they call it, And 1 am 
responsible. I did it for the sake of the 
community, 

This last reflection did nothing to 
calm her uneasiness. It increased to such 
a pitch that she could no longer sit still 
She was compelled to rise and prowl the 
floor. Her sweet and orderly living room 
stood amazed at the sight of a lady 
prowling the floor. Her clear-faced, can- 
did clock lifted a hand as if to tell her 


it was time to behave more sedately 
(Greedy little swine of a clock; piggy 
bank of minutes! Could you not have 
spared Rosemary just two ог three 
more?) 

Rosemary noticed the clock but read 
its message in her own way. “By this 
time, they are dragging him in,” thought 
she. “I hope they will not treat him with 
brutality, They n 
compulsive and regard him as a dirty rot- 
ten pervert, and then they will beat him 
up.” With that, she swooped down on the 
phone, and with trembling fingers she 
dialed Stratton Police Headquarters 

“Ts that Stratton Police Headqu: 


ay forget he is obsessive 


ters? 


This is Miss Underwood of Rosebay, 
whom you called earlier this evening. 1 
heard your men make the arrest. 1 hope 
по one was hurt. I'm calling to say I 


don't wish to bring charges. 
Now, wait a minute. Miss Underwood, 
did you say?” 
“Yes. And I want also to say that I am 
ical 


convinced this man has a psycholog 
problem, He needs help. He needs thera 
ру. He needs to find the r 
to talk to. Above all, he should not be 


ht person 


beaten up.” 
“Here, hold it, miss—please! Let's 
take this step by step, if you don’t mind 
What's this arrest you're talking 
"Why. the man who makes the phone 
calls, The man you called me about car 
lier, But am I not talking to Lieutenant 
Mackintosh?" 
“No Mackintosh here, miss.” 
“No Mackintosh? But there must be 
He called те. With instructions 
Yo Mackintosh here, miss. And never 
has been.” 
“Then who was it calling, if it wasn’t 
Lieutenant Mackintosh? 
“If he said he was from here, miss, it 


bout?” 


was somebody pulling your leg.” 

Rosemary replaced the receiver and 
after а moment or two, she closed her 
mouth, which had fallen open. “He 
might at least have had the common de 
cency . . .” said she at last. “If only we 
could have talked a little longer!” 

She took another turn or two about 
the room, still trying to bring her 
thoughts into some sort of order. Her 
eye fell again upon the telephone. It 
scemed to cower under her gaze like a 
guilty dog. “But, alter all,” thought 
Rosemary, “it is a mere instrument. It 
ly comes to life when one takes it up, 
like this, and uses it to. . . ." But she was 
Idell 263. It was the num 
which they 


already diali 
ber of the Ferg 
had recently let to а young man who, 


isons’ Cottage 
people said, had come there to concen 
trate on his novel. 

I'm told that his publishers are highly 
delighted with the last few chapters he 


has sent in. 


“Whatever gets one through the day, eh, Wallingford?” 


201 


202 


PLAYBOY POTPOURRI 


people, places, objects and events of interest or amusement 


UTE BOOTS 
Listen here, Kemosabe. 
Old Indian craftsmen 
makum heap nice riding 
boot callum Ute Boot. 
Heap soft, heap comfy, 
heap good-looking and 
heap hip. Just right for 
squaws and warriors of 
Scarsdale and Shaker 
Heights. АП hand-sewn 
leather, with white raw- 
hide soles. No glue used. 
Wampum minimal. Only 
$31.50, seven more dol- 
Jars than Manhattan 
Some bargain, Sendum 
wampum to The Kaibab 
Shop, Р. О. Box 5156, 
Tucson, Arizona. Also can 
order pull-on boots 
(Botita), squaw shoes 


Perfect for ambushing 
cavalry, tracking deer, an- 
cient tribal old soft shoe 
or just to stand around 

in and smokum peace 
pipe. Honest Injun. 


FOWLING YOUR GAS LINES 
In The Magic Christian, Guy Grand constructs an enormous caldron in 
the middle of a city and fills the pot with various kinds of animal 
waste, which he heats, He then drops $100 bills into the mess to see 
just how far people will actually go. Here's how far they'll go: Captain 
Calculus and the Normal St. Mechanics Institute (14 Cove Road, 
Belvedere, California 94920) are selling for $1.25 a very technical booklet 
called “Chicken Doodle” that tells you everything you need to know 
about how to convert your car to run on chicken manure. It involves 
building a caldron in which to heat the “solid waste” so that methane gas 
results. Now, how long can you hold your breath? 


LEROY BOUND 
PLAYRoy artist LeRoy Neiman is one of the 
country’s better-known sports freaks, 
which explains why he keeps turning up on 
TV sketching track meets, boxing bouts 
and chess matches. Neiman’s favorite 
sport, though, is girl watching, and ample 
evidence of both passions—athletic and 
romantic—is included in a handsome new 
6-page, full-color volume, LeRoy 
Neiman—Art and Lifestyle, being 
published this month by Felicie, Inc. 
So get moving, art lovers. 


HAVE CAMERA, WILL TRAVEL 
You're a camera buff and you're begin- 
ning to look like Quasimodo because the 
weight of the gear around your neck is kill- 
ing your posture. With a Murnak Custom 
Leather Camera Holster (169 Sullivan St., 
New York City), you can shoot from the 
hip and reclaim your back all for only $65. 
Custom designed to fit your camera, the 
holster is perfectly safe, just as long as you 
don't enter Dodge City at high noon. 


SWEET ROLLS 
We suppose it was inevitable that The World 
should eventually become the World's С 
Yes, the 1982 Rolls-Royce Phantom II Sed 


above is nought but 
ready for your nimble little fingers tC 


vehicle for $200. Quiet, Jeeves; we want to he 


test Motor Car Kit. 


7” model that comes with 2199 pieces 
ssemble. The constructi 
is almost “a way of life,” modestly states The Horchow Collection 
(Р. О. Box 34257, Dallas, Texas 75254), which is marketing the 


reatest Motor Car 


nca Coupe you see 


car the clock ticking, 


Somebody's 


newsy abou 
this dirty mı 
Songs Are T 
author, a 
of the presti 
of Music, hı 
for the pict 
Blues, The 


superstar һа 


below-the-bi 


TRUE BLUE 


movie. There's nothing terribly 


It’s All Right to Fuck All Night 
among them. Furthermore, it’s 
rumored that at least one pop 


author-composer Barbara Mar- 
Кау compositions, A true 


written another dirty 


t that, except that 
ovie, titled Dirty 
"rue, is a musical. The 
year-old graduate 
ious Juilliard School 
as written 30 songs 
ure, The Vibrator 
Lesbian’s Lament and 


as been signed to sing 


elt hit. 


SPACE ODDITY 


At last, there's something more to San Diego 


› than the zoo; there’s 


the Reuben Н. Fleet Space Theater and Science Center, which, 


in brief, is the most sophisticated facility 
The highlight of the center is the 


its kind on earth. 


seat planetarium, the 


screen of which is a 76-foot-diameter geodesic dome that’s tilted 


toward the audience. Viewers move not only 


through space, to 


the surface of Jupiter's moons, for example, but through time— 


to what those moons looked like in 600 A.D. 


as well. Trippy. 


CAPTAIN SPAULDING, I PRESUME? 


In this day a s safaris, it's nice 

to know there's still a macho way to see the 
Dark Continent: by signing aboard a 90-day 
London-to-Nairobi Mother Africa trip that 
takes you 10,000 miles, riding in the back of 
Mercedes trucks. The cost is $1000 (not 
including air fare from the States) and for 
that you get the privilege of digging latrines 
and helping with the cooking. Worldtrek 
Expeditions at 415 Lexington Avenue, New 
York City, are the people to write to—and 
should 90 days be a bit too macho, shorter 
excursions а! able. 


TOGETHERNESS TUBS 
While you're relaxing at home with two 
mistresses (and possibly a kangaroo), we know 
it's hard to get everyone into that American 
bath designed for someone 4/11”. So here's a 
source for those huge circular redwood baths so 
dear to the hearts of tub à trois freaks: T. E. 
Brown, Inc., 14361 Washington Avenue, San 
Leandro, California. А 5’x 5’ model that 
holds more than 200 gallons will cost you 
—not including a snorkel. 


203 


= 


PLAYBO 


204 


ADVENTURES OF PEAT MacMALT 


(continued from page 142) 

Scotland and, therefore, the only опе 
permitted to use the name Glenlivet by 
itself, not coupled with another name, 
Mature but definitely not heavy. Good 
body, medium peat and aroma, slightly 
sweet, fruity nose. Clean, very well made. 
nfiddich: 10 years, 86 proof: 

World's leading bottled malt. Spurns 
the association with Glenlivet name, al- 
though it could legally be labeled Glen- 
fiddich Glenlivet. Lightly fragrant; drier 
and not as peaty as The Glenlivet. Very 
clean and well 1 ıced—no off tastes. 
Called an excellent “weaning тай" by 
liquor merchant Wallace Milroy, who led 
the malt charge in Britain. 

Macallan-Glenlivet: 12 years, 86 proof: 

Mellow, smooth, fairly rich whisky from 
Craigellachie, a Speyside town. Hits the 
middle notes, not peaty 

Mortlach: 12 years, 86.8 proof: 

Fragrant, good body, not much peat in 
bouquet, Touch of sweetness, A palat- 
able dram, (Well known in Britain, new 
to the States.) 

Glen Grant-Glenlivet: 

Comes in a variety of proof and age 


combinations. Be sure to check specifics 
on label before purchase. The younger 
hottlings tend to be a little light and lack- 
ing complexity. Theres a fine Army & 
Navy Glen Grant at 14 and 15 years, but 
the U.S, is allowed only a few hundred 
cases а year 

Gardhu: 12 years, 86.8 proof: 

An interesting contradiction. ‘This is 


one of the lightest of the malts in color 


and body, yet it is fairly well peated. 
Clean, slightly sweet edge. 

* Glenfarclas-Glenlivet: 25 
proof and 12 years, 104 proof: 
Fairly light peat, light body, full favor. 
Occasional slightly bitter aftertaste. The 
104 proof is not strident, despite its 
potency. 

Talisker: 12 years, 86.8 proof: 

An Isle of Skye single malt. Robust, 
full-bodied, smooth and a touch sweet. 
Peaty aftertaste. A middle ground be- 
tween Highland and Islay whiskies. 

Laphroaig: 10 years, 91.4 proof: 

Distilled on the island of Islay, this is 
the lustiest, most distinctive of the malts, 
Very long on peat. as they siy, plus a 
whisper of salt and a hint of iodine, Has 
been compared to drinking smoked kip- 
pers, but some people dote on the stuff. 
Definitely an experience. 

Malt whiskies are proliferating in 
the U.S, but distribution is spotty 
Among the available brands are Glendro- 
Milton Duff, Linkwood, Dalmore, 
Glenmorangie, Glendullan-Glenlivet and 
Struthconon, The last is a vatted malt 
that is, а blend of malts, While vatted 
bottlings offer true malt character, they 
lack the individuality of singles. There 
will probably be more of them arriving 
in response to the current activity in malt 
whiskies. 

Discerning bibbers—those who drink 
for Havor, not just for effect—are bound 
to like the malts. Highlanders зау, 
“There's whisky and there's guid whisky, 
but there's naw bad whisky.” Single malt 


years, 86 


nach. 


is guid whisky! 


“Come see, dear, our little boy is shaving!” 


BRINCING THE WAR HOME 
(continued from page 114) 

the Armed Force 

sive comput 


have been compiling 
ed data banks on 
ns, many of whom have never even 
arrested, The military regards those 
on its lists not as “loyal Americans 
exercising constitutional rights but [as] 
‘dissident forces’ that ‘billet’ and * 
ble, carry ‘weapons’ and ‘expla 
contain ‘an organized sniper element’ 
and coordinate their assaults on ‘targets 
and objectives’ with ‘commun 
equipment.’ Civil-disturbance oper: 
thus will be similar to coun 
gency warfare (or counterinsurgency war 
games). in which military units will be 
the ‘friendly forces’ and demonstrators 
the ‘opposing forces." The men in the 
domestic war rooms, the subcommittee 
found, “kept records not unlike those 


maintained by their counterparty in the 
computerized war rooms in Saigon 
The subcommittee reported that Army 


intelligence alone had " 
rent files on the political activities of at 
least 100,000 civilians unaffiliated with 
the Armed Forces,” and could draw upon 
an additional “25,000,000 index cards 
representing files on individuals and 
760,000 cards representing files on organ- 
izations and incident compiled by 
other Government cies. Much of the 
d in the military 
files, including financial, psychiatric and 
sexual data, the subcommittee discov- 
cred, had been gathered by covert п 
“Convicted spies joined Nobel Prize win- 
ners and entries fr s Who in the 
file dding that the 
files pose “a clear and present danger to 
the privacy and freedom of thousands of 
American  citizens—citizens whose only 
offense” was to stand on their hind legs 
and exercise rights they thought the Con- 
stitution guaranteed them.” 

The Young Democrats, the 
Party of New York, the 
Women Voters of the U.S.A. 
the Peace Corps were indiscriminately 


information cont 


is. 


Wh 


* the report state 


iberal 
League of 
and even 


lumped in the files with the Communist 
Party China and the Hell's An; 
of эга 
included the 


ХААС 
Friends Service Comn 
ber of С 
"Short notations, 


the American 
nd a num 


ngressmen 


the subcomn 


ported, “commented on the 


„ actions or assoc 
person had ‘numerous 
associates.” Another, а 
k male with no arrest record, 
п “extremely radi 
Other character 


pro-Communist 


young bh 
was desc 
mil 
tions were . 
Communists 
‘reported to be a psycho’ . . . 


“wants to 


abolish the House Un-American Activi- 
ties Committee,’ ‘paranoid trends’ . . . 
‘participant, ar m war demon- 
strations’ . . „ ‘has Red background.’ “ 
One nationally known civil-rights leader 
was said to be “a sex pervert” and was 
many known afilia- 
vidual was damned for 
tive in the state of Texas” 
information), another for 
lure to comply with a school policy 
Iving female students.” 

The absurdity of all this is summed up 
in the following “intelligence” report, 
which would be funny were it not deliv- 
ered in such deadly (and costly) earnest: 
“A. First The Crazies [an offshoot of the 
Youth International Party, better known 
as the Yippies} plan to enter Bellevue 
Avenue, 


(no further 


Hospital, located at 467 First 
New York City, with toy guns and steal 
of the patients out of the hospital. 
ies plan to put a strait jacket on 
im 
into Bellevue, and then other Crazies 
with the toy guns plan to enter and steal 
the patient. В, After they leave Bellevue, 
The Crazies plan to travel to the Staten 
Island Ferry and board the boat which 
travels between lower New York City 
and Staten Island. They plan to enter 
the boat peacefully, ie., paying their way 
ail, and when 


on 
The 


one of their own members, sneak 


and not jumping over the 
they get on board they p 


to threaten 


the boat's captain by demanding that he 
take them to Cuba, When the captain ob- 
viously refuses to do so, they plan to rush 
to one side and threaten to ‘tip the boat 
over.’ This is followed by the sobering 
statement that “Military personnel travel- 
ing to New York City often use the 
Staten Island Ее 

The Subcommittee on Constitutional 
Rights found that hundreds of copies of 
the military's voluminous surveillance 
files and reports were distributed 
throughout Government agencies, includ- 
ing NASA, After the Secretary of Defense 
(then Melvin Laird) ordered, und 
pressure, the Army to destroy all dossiers 
on civilians in 1971, the subcommiuce 
unearthed considerable evidence of “d 
ception, cover-up and noncompliance 
with the order, indicating that files had 
sometimes been hidden or disguised. “All 
of these incidents of deception,” the sub- 
committee concluded in 1973, “indicate 
that Army intelligence simply cannot be 
trusted to monitor and police its own sys- 
tem. ог did the Senators believe that 
the Department of Defense could be so 
trusted, Meanwhile, one committee aide 
points out, “We never did get a chance 
look at the files of the other branches 
the military, Who knows what's hap- 
pening there?” Some, such as Repre- 
e Moorhead, believe that other 
encies, such as the 


of Emergency Preparedness, an agency 
that until June 17, 1972, employed James 
W. McCord, Jr. may have “assumed” 
some of the Army dossiers. 

Thomas Powers, comme 
files in Atlantic Monthly, asks, “Are the 
students who went south on the Freedom 
Rides, who marched against the war, who 
protested secret weapons research on col- 
lege campuses, who resisted the draft or 
were beaten by police in Chicago, or who 
stalked out of commencement speeches 
by Government officials going to be 
forced to explain themselves for the rest 
of their lives? Movements come and go, 
but the files go on forever.” 

“The new technol Senator Sam 
Ervin stated on the floor of the Senate, 
“has made it literally impossible for a 
n in our society. It has 
removed the quality of mercy from out 
institutions by making it impossible to 
forget, to forgive, to understand, to toler- 
ate... The undisputed and unlimited 
possession of the resources to build and 
operate data banks on individuals, and 
to make decisions about people with the 
aid of computers and electronic data sys- 
tems, is fast securing to Executive b 
officials a political power which the au- 
thors of the Constitu 
any one group of men to have over 
all others.” 


ting on these 


jon never meant 


Use REACTS Card—Page 57. 


i اللي ل‎ 
К“ о 
40 ОУ о сух 
yo i ah? 
ò NY 


5 WAPOTEMCE CHIC „с е) а tortor 


lovely woman beckoning from ads for as- sensible person, certainly any physician, lar woman at а particular time. Maybe 
sorted scantinesses and the mere thought would have replied 
of her in the flesh was enough to cause my Any more than balling a woman once and тап being for the first time in your life 
muscle of love to flex, Yet here was my not getting her pregnant would mean you and you're discovering that you're not 
friend Ronnie, who had gotten it up were sterile. Impotence is when there's yet emotionally mature er 
for a parade of plug-uglies that would something — psychologically—or, rarely, human being—as opposed 
have caused Priapus himself to lose his physically—wrong with you to the point —meat—sexually stimulating, Maybe you're 
hard-on, asking me, “Does this mean where over a long period of time you going to have to stop fucking women like 
I'm—impoten can’t hardly get it up for anybody. What they were fists with tits, Maybe being able 


s I did—"Hell, no! you're seeing a woman as another hu 


у. 


ugh to find a 


PLAYBO 


a piece of 


Now, there was a time when any you've experienced is perfectly normal. to experience affection and erection at the 
MEMOIRS OF A HOUSEHUSBAND By FRED POWLEDGE 
1 suppose it was inevitable that I on the top of the pedestal. It’s a won- visit butcher shops now and I watch 
would become a househusband. For der that women haven't gone on them at work, If they got as much as 
one thing, I try to make a living writ- strike by now. Electrasol does not, they try to get, they'd have about as 
ing and I work at home, and my wife in my experience, clean “even fried. much strength left as lamb stew, It's дї 
works in an office and on a Ph.D, оп food soils.” Kraft Macaroni & pathetic the way they titillate the © 
and it occurred to me early on that i£ Cheese Dinner may well be for “good women, but I think 1 understand z Pin 
we were going to eat at night, I'd cooks on a budget,” but only if they now, the houseperson’s need for a lit oT. 
have to do a lot of the cooking. Also, like watery macaroni and cheese. And Пе innocent daytime turn-on before 252 
1 а sucker for downtrodden ma- I would like to break the hands of the the kids get home from school and 2 
jorities, and women really have been adman who thought up “Contents the old grouch comes home from the М. 
mistreated. So while she’s off at her may settle during shipment.” оћсе. It’s like the time I went to buy 
закоту lab, cutting up cadavers, I'm The people who design kitchen ap- my wife a sexy nightgown and the 
in the kitchen, chopping up chicken liances, with all their worthless trim saleslady, who was very attractive, was 
And I like it. It even makes me feel and impossible-to-reach corners, are helping me judge the size, and she 
fulfilled, sometimes, ill men. or sadistic bull dykes, who held it very close to her bod and in 
It also makes me feel like some- never have to clean them. haled, A nice bit of harmless, dry titil- 
thing of an expert on the subject Vacuum cleaners suck. Rather, they lation to get you through the day 
And, аз everyone knows, there's noth- Чо not suck enough The most important thing about 
ing more vocal than а convert who Supermarkets are designed to bring being a househusband is that it 
thinks (s)he is an expert. So here are the shopper to the edge of panic so doesn’t take more than, say, seven 
some potentially valuable observations she or he will forget all about unit dinners or three loads of laundry 
on the art of being a househusband: pricing and ingredient lits and whichever comes first, to make you 
You can do it without losing your throw the money down and get the feel overwhelmed with appreciation 
virility (if you're careful with knives), hell out as fast as posible for the woman you live with, and A 
In fact, when we go to a party and my Shopping carts, the kind you buy even for women in general. I regard z 
wife brags to the other women about in hardware stores, are designed t0 it as a major miracle that my wile was 2 
how good I am in the kitchen, I imag last no more than two months, Many able to spend close to 15 years of her Б 
ine that I detect а glimmer of, shall of them are made out of recycled life tied to а stove, vacuum cleaner 
ме say, aroused interest among them, Kraft Macaroni & Cheese Dinner washing machine, baby crib, kitty 
1 smile and offer to exchange recipes. The more expensive the cookbook litter box and refrigerator, while still 
For many men, the biggest obstacle and the more celebrated its author, retaining her sanity and man: лог 


one else who tries to keep abreast of people who do it are insufficiently ap- the list, we were both lau 


the latest laborsaving techniques for preciated. The only job that pays off offered to 


get a pizza anc 


might be putting on an apron. This the more likely it is that some impor- to be “too tired” too often. Now that 

сап be dealt with. There are, of tamt step will be inadvertently left I'm doing my share of it, I find 

course, those supermacho barbecue out. Craig Claiborne is an old hand myself loving her more and I think ` 

aprons that say COME лхо сет tr, but at this. The finest cookbook in Amer- maybe she loves me more, too >ч 

I prefer a news dealer's apron that ica is Joy of Cooking, by Irma 5. Rom One night she сате home from 

says THE NEW YORK TIMES across the bauer and Marion Rombauer Becker work, cheerfully bubbling with news 

chest. The pockets are handy Гог in its earlier editions. of what had happened out there in the 

storing small quantities of cayenne, It really is possible to be “too world, but she saw the look on my = 

thyme, MSG and grass tired” at night face and said, “What's the matter? 3 

Word of your new role spreads rap- І now understand what my wile І exploded with all the emotions = 

idly. Last Christmas, friends and reli meant all those years when she said, that can pent when you're alone in =. 

tives sent me five cookbooks, I have “I wish they'd invent another vegeta- i house all day, “The goddamn dish e 

been hinting for some cast-iron skil ble.” You can get very tired of canned washer won't wash the goddamn dishes в 

lets for my birthday, since 1 find Tel- creamed corn and frozen Brussels and the cat puked on the rug,” 1 5 

lon is a rip-off sprouts. shouted, “and the fools didn't deliver = 

The American housewife, or any Housework is horrible and the the sofa,” and before I could finish б 

=» 
5 
© 
5 


the home, is the target of the most immediately and adequately is win- that I ought to try to get out of the 
insidious, invidious and obnoxious dow washing. A simple solution of house more often. I think back on that 

apaigns ever mounted by advertis- ammonia and water is just as good as scene every time I feel the house clos 
ers, who promise to clean the home, the bottle of blue liquid ing in on me, and it helps. But it 
improve the taste of food and other- It is wue what they say about would help a lot more if they'd invent 
wise ensure the houseperson’s position butchers trying to be ladies men. I a new vegetable 


Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined 


206 L 


2 
5 
sim 
О 
= 
N 
Ф 
= 
N 
£ 
2 
= 
Ф 
O 
U 


PLAYBOY 


208 


same time is like being able to rub your 
belly and pat your head at the same 
time—maybe it takes some practice. 
Maybe you love her so much you're afraid 
you're not going to be able to get her off, 
which you never gave two toots about 
before. But impotent? Listen, man, if 
you're impotent, half the human race is 
impotent!” 

Well, incredibly enough, this is just 
bout what a growing number of doctors 
and commentators are saying. “All adult 
males suffer from impotence at some 
time in their lives,” says Dr. David Reu- 
ben in McCall's. “2 ccording to current 
psychiatric findings, 40 percent of Ameri 
can men аге partially or totally im- 
potent.” Now we know why we were 
afraid to ask! “I would argue that our 
whole society is afflicted with sexual im- 
potence in one form or other,” says Ger- 
maine Greer in Oui, “ ‘Sorry, but I just 
an't’ This chilling apology, being 
mumbled by more and more men lately, 
poins up an alarming new develop- 
ment , 


* says Cosmo, "Impotence, once 
aMllicting the а 


ged and severely repressed, 
has recently emerged as a depressingly 
common male problem.” Ms.'s Solomon 
Sam” Julty, who laments that he is a 
victim of “erective dysfunction” 50 per 
cent of the time, wants to know why im- 
potent males don't get as much “concern 
and respect” as amputees, paraplegics and 
the blind. Mademoiselle alerts us to “The 
Great American Impotence Problem." 
Viva says “Impotence Is in the Eye of the 
Beholdress.” Ladies Home Journal tells 


housewives how to help “The Impotent 
Husband.” Readers Digest tells of limp- 
ness in these United States in “Male Im- 
potence: What Every Woman Should 
Know.” I understand it was а tosup be- 
tween that and “I Was Joe's Erection.” 

Yow that we сап read about wilted 
whangs while waiting to have our teeth 
drilled, impotence is beginning to ac- 
quire, in certain circles, an uncertain ca 
chet. Men are ever so casually dropping 
the fact that they haven't been able to 
get it up for weeks with the special 
aplomb ordinarily reserved for admis- 
sions of substantial losses in soybean 
futures—partly to elicit commiseration, 
partly to elicit admiration for having had 
the daring and wherewithal to have ex- 
posed oneself to such a risk in the first 
place. Letting it all hang down has actu- 
ally become rather chic in some intellec 

tual coteries—pre 
is sufficiently take 


of negative that a man 
aback by the awesome 
sexual demands being made by the in 
satiable mul wonder women 
conjured up by the more imaginative 
women’s liberationists, At a recent New 
York gallery opening for artist Gordon 
Baldwin, a number of—self-invited—lib. 
al culturati stood (with their narrow 
backs to the drawings) bending the old 
velvetsuited elbow while gravitating to 


rgasmic 


the standard male bushwa “the-beating. 
Lam-manfully-takingat-the-hands-of /the. 
sacrifices-I-am-manfullyanaking-toward 
the liberation of womankind from the 
yoke of the op 
game. 


ressor, to wit, me” party 


Well, I've been doing a hell of a lot 
of the shitwork around the house,” said 
one, 

“I've joined a men’s consciousness- 
raising group, and you know, it really 
has changed my way of sceing things,” 
said two. 

“I'm staying at home with the kids on 
alternate Sundays while she has branch 
with her friends,” said three. 

“I'm letting the woman be the one to 
decide it’s time to get intimate. Let her 


be the one to say, ‘Let's ball.’ I'm tired of 


being the aggressor, anyway,” said four. 

“You know,” said five, “Гуе been hav- 
ing sort of a hard time getting it up late- 
ly for the kind of casual fucking around 
I used to go in for. It just doesn't seem 
to stimulate me anymore.” 

By this time, two women had elbowed 
their way into the group, They looked at 
five as if he had just admitted that once, 
while underground with the French Re 
sistance behind German lines, he had 
killed an unarmed man. “I think that’s 
a very courageous admission,” one said 

Yes, indeed,” said the other 

“Bullshit,” said two. “You're just in 
timidated by the way the women are as- 
serting themselves sexually. They're 
looking at you as а lay. It’s their turn to 
be on top and your cock can’t h 
upside down.” 


adle it 


"You're just unconsciously trying to 
et them to go down on you,” said one, 
laughing nervously, М 

Аз I underhe 
couldn't helg 


rd this 
detectin 


repartee, 1 
ое of env 


Xow, Tis 1$ where we get into real trou- 
ble. There is no sure-fire way to pin 
down the differences betwe 
women, but a lot ntists 
have been trying to do so for a long time. 
о we're just going to list some of their 
claims. You don’t have to believe them, 
Just remember that somewhere there 
a real scientist who did his time, pub- 
lished his research and is ready to stand 
behind the difference he thinks he 
proved. * So first of all, women are softer 
* When a man stands naked, his genii 
show, + Women сап conceive in spite 
of being uncooperative, repelled or even 
unconscious. + Women can feed babies 
with their bodies. + Men can run longer 
and faster than women (due to pelvic 
structure). + Women outnumber and live 
longer than теп, • Male infants are much 
more susceptible to infections. + Women 
are infertile after menopause, while men 
remain fertile indefinitely. + Puberty 
starts around the age of 13 for boys, 11 
for girls. * Women reach peak orgasmic 
capacity in their late 20s or early 30s. The 
peak for men comes three or four years 
after adolescence begins. + Female capac- 
ity for having orgasms appears to be 
greater. + Male sexual function depends 


n men and 


of serious 9 


s 


the other numbers’ reactions to 
“problem'—presumably because it 
seemed to them a more authentic kow 
tow to hyperfeminism than their own 
self-conscious at appeasement. 
As the group dissolved to get cabs to the 
next party, the women continued to talk 
earnestly with five. Later one of them 
left with him, fascinating challenge that 
he was. How long will it be before little 
silver limp dicks begin replacing vasec 
tomy pins on the lapels of megalopolis? 


gestures 


Most of this can be traced to a piece 
by Philip Nobile that appeared in Es- 
quire їп the fall of 1972, which made im- 
potence a fashionable topic for stand-up 
chic chat and article proposals. Nobile, 
a witty former editor 
collects cocktail-party 
gambits the way some people collect 
Civil W: When 
articles appeared in the New York Post 
Manhattan psychiatrist 
nsberg was claiming 


of Commonweal. 
conversational 


r memorabilia series of 


about how а 
named George L. С 
that a new form of impotence was being 
“seen” in his practice, Nobile sensed that 
ew impotence” would go well 
with meatballs and franks in 
blankets, and proposed an article on the 
subject to Esquire. The result 
lighthearted story called “What Is the 
New Impotence, and Who's Got It?” It 
began with a consideration of Ginsberg's 
article in Archives of General Psychiatry, 
entitled “The New Impotence, 
ceeded to a general treatment of the Mr 
Softee syndrome and concluded with a 


this 
Swedish 


was а 


e mis 
‚ех 


more on learning (and can 1 
learned). Necrophilia, for exampl 
clusively a male problem. + There are 
more nerve endings in the clitoris than in 
the penis. + Studies of British women show 
they had more trafic accidents durin 

menstruation than at other times. • Other 
studies show that during menstruation о‹ 


cur 49 percent of all crimes by female 
prisoners, 45 percent of all punishments 
of schoolgirls, 53 percent of suicides, 46 
percent of admissions to mental hospitals, 
ms were lowered by 13 per 
cent and 60 percent of women’s trafic 
the premen: 
strual-menstrual phase. + Hormonal dif 
differences in 


Scores on ех 


accidents occurred durin 


ferences are reflected in 
hand а 


voice timbre, muscle strengi 
st researchers find male more 


Ты 


siveness (m 
aggressive). * Men appear to be more com 
bative (some say because they are bio- 
logically expendable). + Men wreck more 
cars than do women (even taking into 


account that men own more cars than do 
women). + Girls develop verbal skills ear- 
re more fluent throughout life. 
sense of smell is more acute. 


lier and 


+ Female 
+ Newborn boys raise their h 
than girls do. + Male development relies 


ads higher 


catalog of recent artifacts of popular cul 
ture that had included references ther 
to; елд. Midnight Cowboy, Trash, The 
Last Picture Show, Carnal Knowledge, 
Dirty Harry, The Candidate. The gist 
of the article was that impotence had fi- 
nally come out of the coset—which the 
reader was disposed to believe, since 
there he was reading about it in a major 
national magazine 

Nobile became the darling of talk- 
show hosts stuck for topics in a day when 
controversy isn’t controversial anymore. 
WBZ Boston has twice broadcast the 
Nobile segment of The Sonya Hamlin 
Show—during which co-host Shelley Win- 
ters, for reasons we can only guess at, 
spends the whole time laughing uncon- 
trollably. He was signed to edit an an- 
thology on the subject for Pocket Books 
and would have acceded to a publisher's 
desire to have him write a book on the 
new impotence if it hadn't been for the 
fact that he couldn't stand to listen to 
himself talk about limp dicks anymore 

Which is unfortunate, because the 
impotence is truly a fascinating 
phenomenon. What is truly fascinating 
about it is that the men who suffer from 


new 


it aren't impotent 

“It is our common experience.” said 
Ginsberg’s original article, which was re 
ported in the Post, which sparked No- 
bile’s article, which put the entire 
readership of Writer's Digest on the case, 
“that: (1) young men now appear more 
frequently with and (2) 
young women more frequently complain 


impotence, 


more on environment (male infants who 
are handled more by their mothers are 
more active. Girls develop independently 
of this). + Girls do better in rote memory 
and work better with symbols and 
Boys get lower 


testin 
artificial langua 
grades in high school. * Men perceive spa- 
tial relationships better (a good illus- 
of this is the high-run scores for 
last year's U.S. Open Pocket Billiard 
Championships: women—35; men—137) 
+ Boys win more at ticktacktoe. • Boys аге 
slightly better than girls at solving mazes. 
1 tests and surveys indicate 


s. * 


tration 


+ Psychologica 
that girls are more concerned with com: 
panionship, more docile and strive hard 
A survey of carcer 


єт to please others, * 
women suggests that encouragement and 
praise elicit more effort from them than 
the promise of promotion. + The over 

ion of women is mar- 


riding preoccup 
riage. + Men most ofu 
(prestige, fame. glory) and no matter 


a work for status 


what level they achieve, they are less 
satisfied with it women in the 
same position. + Drive, persistence, self- 


than 
motivation and the tendency to be en- 
couraged by difficulty and competition 
were found to be greater in men. + All 


of initial impotence in their young lov 
ers. . .. When we explored these sexual 
failures early in a relationship, we found 
а common complaint: These newly freed 
women demanded sexual performance. 
The male concern of the 1940s and 
1950s was to satisfy the woman, In the 
late 1960s and early 1970s it seems to be 
‘Will I have to maintain an erection to 
maintain a relationship? " 

This sounds plausible enough until you 
take a look at the case histories Ginsberg 
et al. cite to back up their theory 

Case one is а 
dent who is a Peeping Tom. He enjoys 
“masturbation or fellatio.” Ginsberg de 
scribes a single episode in which the kid 
“ejaculated prematurely and then was 


year-old colle stu 


impotent.” 
two is a man in his mid-30s who 
than coitus’ 


Case 
insisted on “fellatio rather 
with his wife. 

Case three is a “24-year-old single white 
тап... wishing to avoid military service 
because he was unable to urinate in pub: 
lic toilets,” “limited sexual 
tacts had been marked by impotence or 
premature ejaculation” but who was now 
engaged to be married to a woman with 
whom “sex is fun 

Case four is a man in his early 
“ejaculated immediately after 
sion and apologized 

We should ourselves lucky 
that Ginsberg’s artide didn’t spark a 


whose con 


Is who 
intromis: 


consider 


succession of m zine articles about 
how the demands of liberated women 
are making more and more young 


——— 


mammalian embryos start out as females. 
Nature’s predisposition is to produce fe- 
males, If androgen is not present during 
а critically short period in utero, а female 
will always devel * Being male is bio 
logically more difficult, complex and un 
stable than being female. + Women have 
four to five percent greater chromosomal 
mass, due to the presence of two X chro 
mosomes. + The more “masculine” (hor- 
monally) а man is, the more likely that 
his hair will fall out. Recently one writer 
has noted that since American women 
have involved themselves in what some 
think of as male roles, their 
thinned dramatically. + Men used to be 
the prime target for ulcers and alcoholism 
Now the number of female victims is in 
creasing rapidly. * There are, however, nu 
merous diseases to which men are more 
vulnerable. The only diseases to which 
women are more vulnerable than men are 


hair has 


the autoimmune diseases and perhaps en 
docrine disorders. • Gynecologists say that 


nts” 


“female compl have become less 
frequent. + The most striking difference, 
however, appears to have been proved 
beyond the shadow of a doubt by 
our own research team. Its finding 


A man сап piss across a room 


п 209 


PLAYBOY 


210 


voyeurs afraid to pee in public toilets. 
In their 1970 Human Sexual Inade- 
quacy, Masters and Johnson defined pri- 
mary impotence as never having gotten 
it up—an exceedingly rare condition. 
ry impotence is caused by alcohol, 
gue or psychological problems. Mas- 
ters and Johnson say a man is second- 
arily impotent if he is unable to perform 
on one out of four occasions. By this 
standard, Henry Aaron is secondarily in- 
capable of hitting a baseball. The form 
of impotence that has become endemic 
since Ginsberg et al.'s ejaculation is ter- 
tiary impotence, which I define as exist- 
ing primarily in the minds of doctors and 
writers who are bucking to get paid to 
and or write articles about it. 
ry impotence operates by defin- 
mal sexual performance as patho 
logical. Dr. Reuben, for example, says 
you're impotent if you can't stay hard 
for five minutes of intercourse, Yet Kin- 
sey noted that “for perhaps three quar 
ters of all males, orgasm is reached within 
two minutes alter the initiation of the 
sexual rela Moreover, says Kinsey, 
“far from being abnormal, the hums 
male who is quick in his sexual response 
is quite normal among the mammals, 
and usual in his own species. It is curi 
ous that the term ‘impotence’ should ever 
have been applied to such rapid response. 
It would be difficult to find another situ 
tion in which an individual who w 
quick and intense in his responses was 
labeled anything but superior.” 
Premature ejaculation—which is what 
characterizes three of the four cases 
Ginsberg cites—isn't impotence at all, 
new or otherwise; it’s the new name for 
what used to be called fri What 
Ginsberg et al. are seeing is not a new 
form of sexual abnormality but a new 
form of social response to normal sexual 
physiology. It is a physiological fact that 
it takes a normal woman a lot longer to 
come а normal man. The classic 
unsatisfactory coital scenario runs as 
follows: Man sticks it in, man comes, 
doesn't. In the recent past, if this 
was what happened between two people 
on a number of occasions, the social re- 
sponse was to blame the woman, catego- 
rize her d send her off to be 
psychoanalyzed. Lately, it has become 
fashionable for women to blame men for 
that fact of hu physiology—and 
some men are beginning to believe it. It 
is these men the doctors are seeing. 
у could be calling both partners and 
i 5 you too 
kes you too short; both 
why don’t you try meet- 
Гау?” They could be 
“Try giving a freer 
ies and see if t 
doesn't help you come more quickly 
aying to the тап 
holding your back a little higher, relax 
the muscles in your loins and just let 
(concluded overleaf) 


ing 1 


of you are гї 
ing each other h 


THE PLAYERS 


1. ATTILA THE HUN 


2. JOE NAMATH 

3. JOHN WAYNE 

4. MARK SPITZ 

5. PAT BOONE 

6. ERNEST HEMINGWAY 
7. CLARK GABLE 


+8. HUMPHREY BOGART 


А 


> 


10, JAMES DEAN 

11. MARJOE 

12. JAMES CAGNEY 
13. ALICE COOPER 

14. CHARLES MANSON 
15. BOB DYLAN 

16. DILLINGER 

17. FRED ASTAIRE 


18. HOLDEN CAULFIELD 


TIRY 


(fom page 149) 


Jou mean you didn’t recognize e. howard hunt? 


we were afraid something Tike that would happen. 
should help... 


but this 


19. JACK KEROUAC 
20. FABIAN 

21. DICK CLARK 

22. ELVIS PRESLEY 
23. FRANK SINATRA 
24. PAUL NEWMAN 
25. LITTLE RICHARD 
26. NEIL ARMSTRONG 
27. DAVID BOWIE 
28. JUDY GARLAND 


29. DICK POWELL 

30. JOHN F. KENNEDY 
31. ELDRIDGE CLEAVER 
32. MUHAMMAD ALI 
33. CLINT EASTWOOD 
34. SUPER FLY 

35. VALENTINO 

36. GENERAL PATTON 
37. AUDIE MURPHY 


38. MARLON BRANDO 


39. EVEL KNIEVEL 

40. TARZAN 

41. SUPERMAN 

42. THE LONE RANGER 
43. HORATIO ALGER 
44. HUCKLEBERRY FINN 
45. TOM MIX 

46. ROY ROGERS 

47. BILLY THE KID 


48. JOE DIMAGGIO 


49. NORMAN MAILER 


50. ROBERT REDFORD 
51. TEDDY ROOSEVELT 
52. DONNY OSMOND 
53. THE BEATLES 

54. MICK JAGGER 

55. CHARLES LINDBERGH 
56. E. HOWARD HUNT 
57. JAMES BOND 


58. PETER REVSON 


ou might still be wondering who 
invited Judy Garland, It hap- 
pened—as did the whole circus— 
like this: We were sitting around 
thinking about male heroes in- 
stead of working and someone, probably 
our fallen Jesuit, said that they were 
like all the Беда in the Old Testa- 
ment—while each of us created ourself 
by trying to be like our favorite one, 
they were all creating one another, 
Hmm. Out came the wax pencils and 
layout paper and for a while there i 
looked like final exams at Miss Ha 
sham's Kindergarten for the Hope- 
less ... who belongs, who connects, 
„ „ hopeless, indeed. 


arrows, vectors , 

We did manage to get it down to the 
wild bunch here, And we discovered 
that most of the arrows went to or from 
five Main Men: John Wayne, Hum 
phrey Bogart, John F. Kennedy, Marlon 
Brando and Mick Jagger. Beyond that, 
it was just too complicated—although 
we did figure out a few things 

+ Attila the Hun and Horatio Alger 
begat John Wayne. 

* Wayne begat Robert Mitchum, 
who in turn begat Joe Namath, Evel 
Knievel and Super Fly. 

+ Wayne and Superman begat each 
other 

+ So did Elvis Presley and James 
Dean 

+ But Brando and Jack Kerouac and 
Holden Caulfield also begat James 
Dean 

+ And Elvis begat Dick Clark, who 
begat with haste all the Fabians and Pat 
Boone—who then begat Mark Spitz 

+ ЕК, begat Neil Armstrong and 
Paul Newman and together they 
begat Robert Redford. 

+ And J.F.K. begat James Bond, 
who of course begat E. Howard Hunt. 
+ J.F.K. and Norman Mailer begat 

each other 

+ And Judy Garland? 

Well, without her there would ha 
been no Little Richard, And without 
Litle Richard we wouldn't have Bob 
Dylan or Jagger. But it’s a little more 
complicated than that. While Jagger 

1 each other, 


z 


ve 


and the Beatles cren 
Jagger and Fabian created Marjoe, But 
n and Knievel and 
created Alice Cooper. And what about 
David Bowie? Jagger had a hand 

in it, certainly, but who else? 


then Fal 


You got it. 

Judy. 

‘And you get it. You won't agree, but 
you get it. Sharpen your crayons and 
go to it. But don't send the results 
to us. Send them to Miss Havisham. 


211 


PLAYBOY 


212 


your pelvis drop into position instead of 
pushing so hard that you're finished be- 
fore you've started.” 

And they could be trying to determine 
scientifically whether it is impotence i 
self that is on the increase or complaints 
of impotence, as sexologist Dr. Albert 
Ellis has insisted. “If more men played 
baseball now than did before,” says Dr, 
Ellis, “you would have more of them 
complaining. "1 can't hit the ball.’ 
Ginsberg isn't watching the sample, He's 
hot realizing that more men are balling. 
The Kinsey data showed that college- 
level males 30 years ago were largely 
masturbating. Now, if 100 men are ball- 
ing today as compared with 20 men $0 
years ago, then you're going to have 
more of them showing up with coital 
problems. ‘There will be more impotent 
males, because there are more in the 
total sample of fornicators; but propor- 
tionately fewer of these fornicators will 
he impotent, because they are more 
knowledgeable, practiced and adept." So 
Vd say the fact that the incidence of im- 
potence is becoming more common is ac- 
centuated by the fact that the same 
loosing of inhibition that has pro. 
duced increased sexual activity has ended 
the taboo on talking about impotence. 
Impotence used to be опе of the 
least-uttered—and, consequently, most- 
often-mispronounced—words in the Eng- 
lih language. (When 1 called the 
producers of All in the Family to get a 
synopsis of the episode in which Rob 
Reiner can't get it up for a few days due 
to aculemic pressure, the secretary gave 
the word a reading that deserves some 
sort of prize for creative malapropism: 
impudence.) Well, lately, men—and 
women—who previously would not have 
had the impudence to let the word impo- 
tence pass their lips are speaking about 
it frankly. This candor is healthy in it- 
self and reassuring to апу man who 
thinks that he is some kind of freak 1 
Guse his organ is temporarily out to 
lunch. It ought not to be misconstrued 
ау evidence of sexual pathology, new or 
otherwise 

Meanwhile, however, theres a new 
phenomenon on the rise. 1 call it “the 
new potency.” I've located four guys 
who are willing to appear as case histo- 
ries, One is my friend Ronnie, Alter we 
had our little man-tomman, he flew his 
electric lady across the Gulf Stream to 
Bimini to give his prick а change of scen- 
ету. He took a suite at the Bimini 
Islands Yacht Club and proceeded to 
dance the horizontal rumba for two days 
and two nights. “I tried to tell her 1 was 
sorry about the other night,” said Ron 
nie, “She licked her lips and said she 
liked me limp better than she liked other 
men hard, And you know what? Hear- 
ing her say that gave me the biggest 
bonefish they've ever seen in Bimini.” 


WE HAVE MET THE ENEMY 


(continued from page 151) 
sleeves for age-old communion with cans 
of beer and the ball game, and are treated 
to а commercial wherein a blonde sell- 
ing Vitalis Dry Control slaps rumps in 
the Miami Dolphins’ locker room: sports 
pages carry wrap-ups of women's semi 
pro football; New Jersey courts admit 
girls to Little League baseball; former 
football star Rosey Grier travels the 
country promoting his book on needle- 
point: Ed Muskie, campaigning for Presi- 
dent, cries in defense of his wile; priests, 
such as Philip Berrigan, whose abjura- 
tion of sex was historically the Church's 
highest level of male discipline, marry: 
a charter is given to the First Women’s 
Bank Trust Company; secretaries in 


Hartlord, Connecticut, give the finger 
to ribald construction workers, causing 
hostility that brings out the police; 
police in New York are kneed in the 
groin by women protesters; women mug 
a West German official in front of 
the Plaza Hotel; macho male posters 


ppear beside female pinups at an auto- 
designing plant in Warren, Michigan; a 
woman drives a trailer truck in Rock 
Springs, Wyoming udmother be 

comes city manager in Watauga, Texa 

with her husband workin 
secretary; advertisements show men in 
paisley underwear designed for the man 
“with spirit.” 

What gel of masculinity can form 
from such an olio? 
sought manhood from birth squirm in 
the squeeze bı 
learned it and the modern abnegations 

cept 


g for her as 


Those of us who have 


ween manhood as we 


we are instructed to 

As Little League vice-president Rob- 
ert Stirrar said after the court's ruling 
admitting girls to the league, “Nothing's 
been going our way recently." We are 
bombarded from 


II sides by rule changes. 


We hear that there is no justice in domi 


nance, по victory in aggression, no ad 


vance in competition, no peace with 
honor, And through all dh 


haze of 
retraction, we can’t even get a good fix 
on who the enemy is. 


The first salvos were fired by the 


feminists, but we could dodge them, 
shake them off as insouciantly as Larry 
Csonka sheds tacklers, But now we are 
hearing from the scientists, who suggest 
that traditional characteristics we thought 
to be our natures may be no more than 
society's indoctrination; from psycholo- 
ind sociologists who would have our 
brains rearranged to adapt to a more 
equitable order; and from a swelling sea 
of fellow travelers who insist that, natural 
or not, masculinity as it has evolved is 
destructive and must be overthrown, 

We are forced to look at the destruc- 
tiveness of our wars and prisons and cor- 
porations and politics and admit that 
our detractors may have a point there, 
Manhood, as we learn at the feet of the 
vanguard of sisters, is not domination or 
power; not bravery or war; not ambition 


gists a 


or creativity or will; not jobs or push-ups 
or spitting: not motorcycles or cunt 
counts; nor is it for procreation, what 


with the clamor for zero population 
growth; nor is it for orgasms, what with 


used to be but isn't, we are given only 
half a truth, The announcement that 
women have rights and capabilities com- 
mensurate with ours rightfully strips us 
of some assumptions by which we hither- 
to asserted our manhood, but where is 
the other half of truth by which we 
might ourselves be defined? Once the 
authors of defi ms for both sexes, we 
now own copyrights to neither. 

Well, truth, even on one good leg, 
limps inexorably ahead, whether we can 
keep up or not. Nature pays no heed to 
egos. The enlightened among us, nod- 
ding briskly to the feminist appeal, may 
take defensive pride in our ability to 
spew words of sexual equality—much a 
did those whites, like myself, who, in the 
carly days of the civil-rights movement, 
sputtered the phrases of agreement that 
might endear us to blacks. Whites then, 
like men now, found it difficult to join 
a cause they did not lead; our burden 
now, like that of whites then, is to yield 
before truth, accept it, embrace it, liv 


the tireless robotry of vibr 
If manhood is now a set of things it 


off somehow. 


їз. with it and trust that we'll all be better 


ON 


Га ри 


I wore it 


of it, but 
way теп 


P. С. is a commercial pilot who 
lives in Colorado. 

When I first started going out 
with girls, in the Fifties, Vd put 
ggy cords or khakis and а 
white shirt 


maybe, which was about the only 
aftershave 
comb my h 


in а flattop, Because 
back then, any guy whose pants 
grabbed him around the ass or 
the crotch or who wore really col 
orful shirts or any flashy stuff at 
all was а queer and we usually 
I him that out loud. Then it 
all seemed to change 
time of the Beatles—not just the 
hair, although that was a big part 
ev 


started to change. I remember 
worrying that I was g 
in a fight the first time I put on 
ds, and when my ha 
to grow, I was nervous about that 
1 bought pants that fit, shirts 
that had br 


BECOMING A SEX 


11 had a heavy date 
a little Old Spi 


around. and 1 used to 
ir with a washcloth— 


und the 


ything about the 
did themselves up 


ng to get 


r started 


ht colors and flowers 


OBJECT 


all over them; but whatever shit 
I got from my conservative bud- 
dies hardly bothered me at all, 
мі that was because of the way 
women were all of a sudden react- 
ing to me. I couldn't believe it, 
They flirted with me, told me 
they liked my pants, when I knew 
't my pants they were talk- 
ing about. They couldn't keep 
their hands out of my hair and 
whenever I said I was going to 
cut it, every girl I knew said, "No, 
whatever you do, don't do that.” 
I've talked to a lot of them about 
it and now they're into admitting 
that they get off on guys’ bodies 
the way guys get off оп theirs. 
Sometimes I think they're more 


wast 


into it, which makes any amount 
of time you spend on yourself 
worth it as far as I'm concerned. 
I dig being a sex object—a lot— 
nd 1 hope it never goes back 
to the way it was. I'm just sorry 
that I had to wait till I was al- 
most 30 years old before а woman 
told me I had a nice ass—because 
that’s a rush like nothing I know. 


Meanwhile, words remain words, how- 
ever hospitable. And our gnarled man- 
hood roots are not evolved to nurture 
leaves of a new intellectual sexuality. It 
is a rough scason for our egos. 

While in the dispassionate embrace of 
a New York City hooker one evening, I 
chanced to ask whether, in the course of 
her business, she ever came. “If the trick 
is man enough,” she said. 

Hookers are not without their ironies. 
The fact is—though I doubt that the 
philosophic thrust of it penetrated my 
$20 friend—I was man too much. I had 
chosen her company because I, a man of 
many years and frailties, already beset by 
doubts and deliberations about the cs- 
sence of manhood at large, whose ego 
was already blistered from daily scrapes 
nst the world, wished only for а 
quick wisp of restorative sex, profession- 
ally distilled, so then to return freshened 
to the fray, Clearly, she did not compre 
hend the nuances of satisfaction attained 
from а swift street-corner conquest, free 
of hypocritical investment in courtship 
and risks of rejection. She could not 
have been aware that the dying empire 
of manhood is under siege and that I am 
a refugee. She was oblivious to the fact 
that my ability to get it up and off in a 
hurry, without social amenities, was 
good news. Otherwise, she would not 
have delivered upon me yet another 
abrasion, from her golden heart. 

But as there is no manhood without 
ego, neither is there sex. Ego is every. 
thing. While it might seem convenient 
to generalize a theme into which 1 my 
self comfortably fit, this is more than 
that. For I am typical, 1 believe, as can 
be gleaned from a few details. 

I married the first woman I took to 
bed, and pursued a career through small 
newspapers to Life magazine, hence 


from relative obscurity to relative pomp, 
from relative poverty to relative af- 
fluence, from small towns to the big city 
and onward to the suburbs. As a man of 
30, I wa 
ous age”: whose career had reached a 
comfortable plateau; whose children 
were safely pruned for growth; whose 


s at what is called 


he danger- 


wife, having tended the home, was in 
her crant 
toward 
toward, 

Life was a house haunted by black 
jokes on ego and sexuality. First bal- 
Г its prestige 
nd expense accounts, soon writers were 
commonly sucked down into its emascu- 
lating machinery. Dozens of mighty men 
held sway over the writer's life. My 
superiors could, with a flick of a pencil 
or the dart of an eyebrow, say yes or no 
to weeks of work, to my power, to my ego. 

Not only that but the domestic nest 


y; whose mind drifted then 


lacking, 


whatever else 
oh-oh, his sexuality. 


looned aloft on the breeze 


213 


PLAYBOY 


214 


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PLAYBOY 


216 


into which the writer retreated from 
time to time between luxurious excur 
sions across the nation compared dully 
with his working life, however painful 
the latter was. The trap was set, the ego 
ensnared, and the writer-beast would snap 
bitterly at anything that approached, 
So, during the time of my least success, 
when my stories were being  swatied 
ide like so many pestering flies by the 
editors, I bit on my first айай, with a 
model whom I had hired for a fashion 


`. P. is in his early 30s and holds a 
Ph.D, in behavioral science. Married 
without children for five years, he is 
now divorced and teaches at a large 
Southwestern university. 

I grew up believing that women 
didn’t really like to fuck, You know, 
‘good girls” didn't do it, or if they 
did, it was only to “prove” how much 
they loved you—they certainly didn't 
enjoy it, 1 managed to get married by 
thinking that way. We were both 
graduate students and she was my 
instructor in а biology class . . . yes, 
biology. We liked each other well 
enough to spend a few months in and 
out of bed together, but I, at least, 
didn’t have any plans to run off into 
the sunset with her. Then she told me 
she was pregnant, I tried to convince 
her to get an abortion, said everything 
I could think оГ... but down deep, Т 
knew it was my fault... . Z had chased 
her, Z had wanted to stick it into 
her... so when she said she'd never 
get an abortion, we started planning 
our wedding. A week before the wed 
ding, she had a miscarriage, But we 
got married anyway. І don't know 
why. Inertia, honor, something, It 
lasted five years and it wasn't even so 
bad. It just wasn't worth the trouble. 
She always wanted something more or 
different from what I could e her, 
and the hassle, even though it was low 
level, finally wasn't worth it for either 
of us. In the five years since I've been 
single again, I've been involved with 
probably wo dozen women, One was 
a divorced rich suburbanite, another 
one a waitress in a topless joint, a cou- 
ple of sorority girls, a radical lady 
lawyer... most kinds. And mainly for 
sexual reasons. І have some women 
friends where the relationship isn’t 
sexual, but 1 think it’s usually true 
that the most interesting thing а man 
nd a woman сап do together is fuck. 
Smart women know that, whether they 
dmit it or not. I сап have great con- 
versations and good friendships with 
other men, and men are considerably 
easier to deal with—and it’s the same 
for women with each other. So why 
bother if not to fuck? Women can be 
such a pain in the ass sometimes that 
the sex all that makes it worth it, 


story. To be sure, stealing that tall, 
blonde drink of water from her TWA 
pilot was an upper, as was dumping her 
forthwith. But the whole matter left me 
awash in such an eddy of indiscriminate 
Just and guilt that I feared for my mind, 

‘Then I began to see, with an acuity o 
vision ascribed to the insane and some 
deaf-mutes, that my superiors—my mod 
els and future—were showing the same 
symptoms: flopping from bed to bed with 
feminine underlings, drinking, fadin 


Most of the women Гуе known have 
had a real authoritarian streak in 
them—what they want mainly in Ше 
is for you to do what they want, what- 
ever that is. “Prune the hedge.” “Make 
a million dollars,” “Eat me.” What- 
ever, That's why they're so illogical. 
When you give them a good reason 
why you shouldn't do what they want 
you to, they resort to emotion to get 
you to do it, You know, “Don't jump, 
darling, I'I pick up my underwear 
right now.” I've been living off and on 
for the past year with a girl in her 
early 20s who thinks of herself as being 
very rational and liberated. When we 
met, she came on real tough, putting 
down guys who fell in love with her 
just because they'd been in bed to 
gether a few times, telling me how she 
couldn't stand hanging around just 
опе man at а time—you know, how 
free she was, That's fine with me, bı 
cause then I get to be that free, t 
and she can't give me any shit about 
what I decide to do with my life, right? 
Wrong. When we're not living to- 
gether, if I call her—say some night 
Т want to fuck her, and I'll call her 
and say, “Do you want to come 
over?"—and if she says no, ГЇЇ just 
let the matter drop. just go on and 
chat about the weather, and so forth 
But if she calls me—and wants to 
come over to my place or wants me to 
take her to а movie—if I say no, then 
she gets all pissed off. totally bent out 
of shape. So she spouts equality for 
everybody and then gets pissed when 
she can't order me like а pizza. 

I love fem lib, because it finally 
ives men a chance to call women 
оп that sort of bullshit. In fact, if 
they don't watch out, they may have 
a new sort of monster on their hands, 
They've been talking about thei 
needs and what we don't give them. 
but it works both ways and me 
finally starting to figure that out, 
Men have been walking around so 
long feeling guilty about what they 
really want that it will take a while, 
But it’s happening: Women are in 
the process of liberating us, and 1 
don't think most of them will know 
how to handle what they've created. 


lusts and 
aldron of 


aging, rotting with а 
boiling their hypocrisies 
guilt with such delic 
suggest a page from Le 
Masoch. the master. himself 

The issue for me peaked when one 
evening at a party I grabbed the ass of 
my boss's wife. “I’m no sex mani 
confided. Nor was 1, of course, for the 
mere patrol of a strange bun under sev- 
eral layers of clothing was not the pri- 
mary pleasure; the secret knowledge that 
I was at the same time sticking it to my 
boss, who was frustrating my work, was. 
1 considered myself warned, however, 
that denial of my craving might cause 
me to end as a dirty old man, while af- 
firming it in such a hostile manner was 
dangerous for my occupation. 

And so I opted out, of Life and my 
marriage, telling my wife that 1 was off 
to “do what I have to do”; фе, catch up 
оп the tomeatting 1 missed as a youth. 

While engaged in the writing of a 
book by which I assumed I would restore 
my professional worth, 1 quickly im 
posed my oats upon a se 
that made up the field of my mythologi- 
cal musts: a Life secretary, a photog 
pher's girlfriend, a better writer, a 
Chinese concubine, a barmaid, a cheer- 
leader, a hippie, another man’s wife, two 
roommates in succession, a hitchhiker, 


and so on. It was a joyless litany of con- 


г 


quests, each bri 
than redemption. 

The last of these averred, аз she 
writhed unwillingly beneath me on the 
floor, that it wasn’t working: precisely, 
that neither was 1 hard enough to enter, 
nor was I welcome if I were. “Guaran- 
teed,” 1 said, with savagery that startled 
me most, “I'll give you a good sex expe- 
rience before you leave here! 

1 know the odor of such a desperate 
line! This is a confession of a quest for 

nhood, not a justification for errancy. 
є is nothing if not humble. 

ILL cling to one woman today, it is be- 
cause of her awareness of my state, of the 
fragility of my ego, because she buoys me 
with a fierce and perceptive jealousy 
(she will fight for me!) and because I am 
lucky to have found a beautiful woman 
in whose company 1 can produce erec- 
tions satisfying to us both. 

But I am not a finished product. I 
am in transit and my embryonic man- 
hood сап be candied like an egg. While I 
subscribe to the precepts of the new 
sexual math, I still have my square roots 
to deal with. 

Over а working dinner with a woman 
recently in Washington, D.C., discussing 
her perceptions of male sexuality and 
women’s lib, I stated directly my con- 
flict: “I still can’t help seeing women as 
sex objects, all of them, 

“My God!" she said. “That stinks.” 

But she perceived only the words, and 


ing me nearer desp: 


IT didn’t mean ... I didn't think you'd. 


“But, darling, when I told you about my secret sexual fantasies, 


217 


PLAYBOY 


218 


this subject is not for pranl 


course of drinks and intimate 
tion (the subject is rife with st 
the musk was spread 

суе contact there, a 
hand—until at last we cone 


If feminists appear to stand as the 


r plight, it is because women have 


s been frightening 


the other d 


hat it was 
for 


Nor coulc 


30 years. 


given the nettlesome accom 


erect 
\ n don't realize just how fragile 

our egos are,” said Melvin Van 

the black film and stage pr 

directorstctor (Sweet S B 


So. 


complishme men 
have ir ever 

ask it, is 11 n The 

want a s. Lo 


of womer 
if the man came, after all, and maybe they 


And if the 


knows. 
don't hear it, their 


Men rely hea 


Men need to it 


traditionally talked about in а way 
that 4 ed. ‹ lin 
toting of scores. If that i ant to 
women, connoting a dh 


re talking. 
yonskins to the 


idewalk embrace that hough use University (my 
w ut of Ane Ima i 
» ity for us know was, with her untouchable cheerleaders 
oster shot that that Red Smith called “succulent 
ight in my lonely them ut our- a girl I was dating cheered my virginity 
hotel re elves, credit our т there a with the 1 И 1 ever » to bed with 
Feminists may by now suppose that Gloria Steine biquitous spoke ou'll be the fir t 
the ilready һа enough of my meat woman for feminists ar their chi laid was makin 
to beat me to death. But they would object (1 met her nd sat alone wanna be talked about, for 
be making a mistake. If n are my with her at a tiny table at Toots Shor's, Like, I for m 
sex objects se 1 prefer them alive with anticip: ind before I sorority anc nobod 
to other me w goats, even could What nice s in li om. On the 
{the game is thoughts you ‹ it! \ girls were 
md i ı candidate for sid n tinm 
H. f is | ' ith these r men and it Га walk away fr 
Califo hen | ipart. I stopped balling her and that rite rooms now 
h just made it worse en. She says she'll а јо n sh 
li ‹ We've been th h all the heavy ready and not before, and if I 
My wife and I have been married мий. I've hit her times and come like it, I сап leave. Well, 1 don't 1 
ten years and we have two kids, We're close to violence the other men and but I'm leaving. She say 


ork and she doesn't 


both about 30. 
she's not prep: 


¢ 1 married her 


She says иге to work 


beca hen she was 


19 and she's been wile and mother all 
years, she's 


herself 


For the past i 


been working ati 


which is fine, but the way she’s doing 


m full-time lovers and 


it is by 
spendi st of her time with them. 


She 


comes home to cook and clean 


sometimes, and then she leaves again 


Both of us have fucked around for 
the past five years. For me it was when 


1 traveled, mostly, But when I was 


home. I was home, Then she started 


I hate it. She says I'I have to pay her 


ver I 
And if I do go, it'll mean 


snd the kids whet › or stay, and 
he’s right 
ı shitty little apartment in the city, по 


like I know I 


money starting over 


about my 
at bull 


I'm a 


don't 
kid 
shit аһ 
They're 


want to 
and I'm through with tl 


frailty of 


t the 
meaner than men. It's 


women 


like 
fair 


ody ever tau 
Honor is 


laugh at it 


male | men 


1 never thought my marriage would 


turn into a war and if it did, I thc 


mean, I k 
she does but Л 


out of me, and I feel me ın 1 
ever have in my 
But I'm пс 
them, It all 
war that either 
don't know wha 
I'm in it for v 


making me crazy, t 


never been in a 


PLAYBOY 


220 


“That's what mine says, 100: 


—Concerto for Violin and 


Tennis Balls.’ 


and didn’t even move. It was like a 
Love-Mor on one battery.” Funny, right? 
It scared me to death, My girl and I have 
a pretty good thing, but it drives me up 
the wall to think she mig 
her friends 

That women should speak! There was 


t describe it to 


$, M. is in his midt0s and works 
as а freelance writer and lecturer, He 
is divorced—his three children live 
with his ex-wife 

1 was born in Tennessee and had a 
normal (i.e., sexually repressed) South 
ern upbringing. One thing about the 
Bible Belt—it takes a long time to 
unbuckle 


was a vir 


ind get your pants down. I 


when I married and I was 
faithful to my wife for 18 years, Then 
I decided that Т had paid my dues and 
left my family, I moved to San Fran 
cisco, which 1 (like everyone else in 


this country) equated with sexual 
freedom, and got down to some seri 
ous fucking, Over the next five years, 


I had enough one-night stands and 


meaning 


1 relationships to make up 
for my deprived childhood. It was an 
education, to be sure. Surprisingly, 
I didn’t learn anything new about 
making love. Sex is a lesson that you 
perform by rote, with an occasional 
refinement in technique. Variety 
showed me that 1 hadn't been missing 
that much with my wife, but that 
wasn't reason to go back to her. I 
began to learn about my own sexual- 
ity. I realized that I viewed the bed- 
room as a proving ground, or perhaps 
having 
been born a man—like staying after 


as a classroom punishment f 


ways safety in their presumed silence. 


yw they would be stool pigeons to our 


s rats on our egos. Our trophies 
would talk back from the shelves 
(Didn't Marilyn Monroe say of Sinatra's 
skills, “He was no DiMaggio”?) Women 
are rating us and asserting themselves in 


school to write on the board 50 times: 
I can get it up. 1 сап make her come.” 
I wanted out of that madness, The 
major cha 


yea 


when I broke up 
1 I had lived with 
for two years. She was passionate 
tful. She 
delighted me, held me, cared for me, 


with a 


liberated, demonic and insi 


nurtured me, educated me. It was a 
lationship. 1 think 


»plishments against 


very competitive 


she held my acco 
me, because she was still too young to 
have accomplished anything on her 
own. When we broke up—she went off 
to pursue a career as a musician—I 
had the ch 
bummer) 


the loss (a 


g а replacement (im 


possible) or finding in myself the 
qualities that 1 had responded to in 
her, What the women in my life had 
done for me, 1 wanted to do for my 
self, It’s hard to convey what 1 mean 
ally a nonverbal, feel 


e. One afternoon 


since it is esse 
ing type of exper 
I was sitting in a chair in my living 
room alone, beset by tension a 
iety. I wanted someone to care for me 
The tension I was feeling was pre- 
determined—set like a mousetrap. My 
body was yearning to be touched by 
someone else, to be accepted. 1 was 
betrayed. Curious, I worked at calming 
my body. This may not sound like а 


d anx- 


various subtle ways. Linda Lovelace of 
Deep Throat belittles most of us by wist 
fully anticipating the chance one day 
to chomp on a footlong supercock. In 
the musical А the woman twisting 


» her companion says "You're the 
best ball in the Vil 
ton reported to me 


A man in Bos 
vat, denied the real 
thing by a whore in a bar, he demeaned 
himself by settling 


r a hand job in the 
booth, thereupon to have her say, "Next 
time bring a handkerchief.” In a Denver 
parki 
girl to move her саг, to which she re 
plied, “Go fuck yourself.” 

The sum 
melin; 
with 


lot, Т politely asked a teenage 


such minor jabs is a 


»s unus 


of the 


omen. Abrupt overtl 
double standard can rattle one’s teeth 
To begin with, according to МеСагу in 
Human Sexuality, evidence is that “many 
men are beset with considerably more 
guilt over sexual matters than women 
are,” because a man “feels that, as the 
instigator of the sex act, he is the ‘se 
ducer,” and that the responsibility for 
the woman's participation rests squarely 
upon his shoulders.” Guilt spreads over 
the male ego like a virulent mold; success 
as well as failure in bed breeds the spores 
ıs old habits clash with new mores. 


I used to fuck all over Asia dur 


the war,” a pa 


trooper told me in Balti 
more, “and it never bothered me a bit 

like, Vietnamese whores didn't seem like 
But now, back 


real women, you know 


sexual episode, but for me it was sub 
lime. 1 encouraged each part of my 
body to relax. І became domestic. 1 
learned to feel at home with myself 
Since then, I have tried to discover 
ind cultivate other aspects of the 
feminine. I've become passive, accept 
ing. g 

1 


meet a woman, I can say honestly 


cious, spontaneous. 1 am no 


the conquering hero—when 1 


“You don't need to be rescued, 1 don’t 
need to be rewarded.” In freeing my 
self of the stereotyped male role, Т 
have relieved women of their most 


ties and, believe me, they 


oppressive ¢ 
are grateful. The less aggressive I am 
the more sexually active I become, I 
am inundated by women, One of my 


lovers characterized the change by 


pointing out that the only other per 
son she had ever felt comf 
was her best friend in 
They had enjoyed that period of grace 
before 


table with 


ade school 


exual roles were forced on 


them, When you discard the old roles 
and divide the event (lovemaking) 
into equal portions, there seems to 
be more left of you to enjoy. And 


once you escape the etiquette of 


n—you have time to 
15, side-kicks, cohorts, 


sexual esca 
be best frie 
contemporaries 


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PLAYBOY 


224 


here, you have to be aware that women 
are being shit on, I agree with women’s 
lib, So I meet this beautiful broad and 
she says she likes going to bed with me, 
but she won't be just a sex object. Мо 
what the hell does that mean? Am I 
supposed to tell her I love her, just о 
we can keep enjoying our fucking? I 
wouldn't feel honest doing that, and 
she’s got me feeling guilty anyway. It's 
like nothing has ever changed with this 


goddamned business, not since I was а 
kid.” 

A married radio announcer in Chi- 
cago tried to purge himself of “dirty fan 
tasies” that made him feel “like a pimply 
kid.” "I was thinking,” he told me, “that 
a grown man either stops fantasizing or 
does something about it. I had been 
fantasizing for years about this one girl 
I used to work with. Nobody could get 
her. So finally, оп a trip to Los Angeles, 


М. A. is in his late teens and works 
as a musician in Vermont. Like most 
kids raised in a war zone, he takes for 
granted certain aspects of the sexual 
revolution. 

When I was in nursery school, I 
used to sleep head to foot with a girl 
on an old Army cot. Supposedly, this 
kept us from talking during nap time; 
actually, it got me pointed in the right 
direction sexually. І knew what 69 
meant long before I could count that 
high. It took a few years to put that 
knowledge to use, though not for lack 
of trying. My junior high school girl 
friend, for example, was very uptight 
about her body. She thought you could 
get pregnant from French kissing, if 
you can believe that, She refused to let 
me touch her down there, But she was 
a Scorpio, and they tend to be heavy 
lovers. She resolved the conflict in her 
nature by giving incredible head. She 
was set on being a virgin, and last 1 
heard, she still was. I finally lost my 
virginity, but not much more, when 1 
was 14 

High school was a period of social 
and sexual vandalism. The first time 1 
got stoned with a girl, I went into a 
t and took off my clothes, then 
t back into the room. It was а 
spontancous impulse, like tearing 
down stop signs, which 1 was doing a 
lot of at the time. About a month 
before graduation, I split for Ver 
mont. I moved into a house with five 
other people. A week alter I arrived, 
I found myself making love to one 
of the girls in the back of her van 
A few weeks later, the moth 
of the other girls came up to visit and 
took her daughter's bedroom for the 
night. The gir 
the sola in the living room; 1 offered 
her half of my double bed and we 
ended up living together for a year 
She didn't have an orgasm for the first 
couple of months, which bothered me 
I knew that no girl in high school ever 
had an orgasm, but I expected it to be 
free and easy in real life, She knew 
about “copulation” and “reproduc- 
tion,” but no one had ever told her 
the source of pleasure (that you've 
got to enjoy yourself before you can 
enjoy it). We worked things out; she 
eventually had а climax in а sleeping 


of one 


was going to sleep on 


bag in the Badlands’ national park 

Since my girl left for college, my 
social life has been very casual, I just 
go with the flow and let thir 
of their own accord. Vermont is re 
markably free of sexual hang-ups. 
There is nothing to do here except 
visit people, and it’s completely nat- 
ural to spend the night with friends. 
There's no pressure or sexual bargain 
ing, so а lot more happens. My first 
ménage û trois occurred when 1 visited 
two girls I used to share a house with. 
tte for me to drive 
home and we all climbed into bed. In 
stant erection—but 1 wasn't embar 


з happen 


It was too far or too 


rassed. It was a natural response to the 
situa 
intended. They got off on the situa 
tion, too. It seemed like a good idea 
to make use of my erection, so we did. 
My first orgy also happened Беса 
everyone agreed that it seemed like a 
od idea, 1 was at a party with some 
ple 1 had worked with in a local 
theater. Three couples were on a bed. 
hugging, talking, exchanging vibes. 1 
said, "Let's take off our clothes—no 
one is inhibited here, right?” and we 
disrobed. Then a fourth couple came 
into the room. The guy freaked out 
He stormed out of the house, dragging 
his date with him, Next thing I knew, 
the guy was back in the doorway and 
this giant pizza was sailing through 
the air. It hit one couple on the ass. 
ricocheted and splattered across the 
rest of us. Some people are just weird; 
you have to make exceptions 

The girl I'm going with now really 
has me puzzled, I've seen her twice 
The first time she asked me to her 
room, we started making out, When I 
put my hands in her pants, she 
stopped me. I couldn't believe it and 
got very angry, first at her, then at my 
self, I wasn’t reacting to her failure to 
meet my expectations; rather, it was 
the reprimand involved in being made 
aware that I had expectations. І saw 
her again а few weeks later and she 
asked me to her room. We took off our 
clothes and enjoyed ourselves in bed 
for four or five hours. It was astonish- 
ing sex, but I'm freaked out by the 
change in her attitude, She's a Gemini 
and 1 figure 1 caught her оп both 
sides of her тооп, 


ion and nothing personal was 


ise 


1 got her—don't ask me how, we just 
ended up in bed. My ego was so high the 
next morning that I shot down to San 
Diego and jumped into bed with anoth- 
er girl 1 had fantasized about. It was like 
a dream! The sex wasn't so hot, because 
I was drunk the whole time. But the 
idea! Two of my fantasy girls within 
eight hours, and not even a shower in 
between!” 

But a few days later, he had more to 
tell me, “I told my wile,” he said, “I 
guess it was a combination of bragging 
and guilt. And then you know what she 
did? My wife went out the next day and 
picked up some stranger from a public 
swimming pool and brought him home 
and quick-fucked him. Jesus Chris! 
When she told me about it, she said, 71 
wanted to do it just like a man.’ ” 

As men know, doing it “just like a 
man” is not a simple busines, not when 
you have to deal with the quicksilver of 
erections. A well-tailored, trimly built 
Denver insurance executive, sitting amid 
the dignity of his private club. spoke the 
pure truth of the totally dispirited. 

“It's hard to say where it started,” he 
said, “so let me tell you where it ended 
I'm forty-six, fifteen years with this com 
pany, in control of thousands of dollars 

day. I make good money. I never 
thought I was dissatisfied with anything 
But lately everything I r 
I see 


1, everything 
ound me tells me I am missing 
something. All these young people in 
dungarees and long hair speaking out 
about how the system is robbing people. 


And at the same time, they are so open 
and honest about sex—I even feel they 
laugh at you if you don’t go to X-rated 
movies 

“Well, that began to work on me, I 
wanted to change my life. The first 
thing that came to mind was that I want 
ed more exciting sex. One of the secre 
taries was very open about her activities 
and availability. So one evening 1 went 
home with her. She undressed right 
away, while I just sat in a chair. Then 
she stood in front of me and said, not in 
a nasty way, just as if she was reminding 
me that tomorrow was a holiday or some 
thing, ‘I expect to be satisfied, you 
know,’ 

"To make a long story short, she made 
me so nervous that I couldn't get it up. 
Finally, she got out of bed and said she 
was going to the bathroom to mastur 
bate. My God, it was the worst moment 
of my lifet 

“And I haven't been able to get it up 
since, not once in two months. It's like 
my life is over, and I feel so damn guilty 
besides. Tell me what I did wrong.” 


One salient error: He didn’t get an 
erection. That was at once cause and ef 
fect of his tragedy. You can’t will an 
erection, yet your mind сап prevent it 
Psychic impotence is the most common 


“Sol figured the public was getting bored with the 
culesie-pie porpoises, апа I was right!” 


225 


PLAYBOY 


226 


“1 told you not to spend a lot of money оп а new dress.” 


kind, a circular sadness, Masters and 
Johnson warn that “once impotent under 


any circumstance, many males withdraw 


voluntarily from any coital activity rather 
than face the ego-shattering experience of 
repeated episodes of sexual inadequacy.” 

John B. Koffend, a former editor of 
Time, has written a painfully candid 
confession about the failure of his mar 
r and erections in a book called A 


Letter to My Wife, with 


Grosser” 
playing the part of his penis, “It isn't 
that I'm afraid to get into a sex situa- 
tion because of my psychic impotence,” 
he writes, describing his loneliness since 
their recent breakup, “its just that it 
doesn't seem worth it since, when that 
moment comes, my head will not let 
Grosser do his business.” And later, he 
identifies his over-all sense of impotence 
with a pinpoint reminiscence about lack 
of alfection showed his manhood root: 

And how lo 


Grosser? At 


o was it that you kissed 


guess, I'd зау 1956 ог 1958 


You never really wanted to do it.” 


Some marriage counselors are saying 
that the onrush of feminism, particularly 
women aggressively claiming their due 
in the sack. is causing a rise in male im 
potence. “This could be the social dis 
case of the future,” said counselor Tom 


Durkin of Berkeley 


menting on complaints he hea 


California, com 


s from 
male clients. But there seems to be no 
supportive data. Psychologist Joseph 
Pleck at the University of Michigan, who 


is running a sort of clearinghouse for re- 


search material into male sex roles and 


consciousness-raising, feels that ybe 


men are just becoming less inhibited 
talking about it.” Sex therapist Sheldon 
Arbor, 
sts that “there's prob- 


Fellman, a urologist in Ann 
Michigan, sı 


ably just more and more sexual activity 
and men are coming out of the wood- 
work to discuss their problems. In my 
own practice, the incidence of males 


seeking sexual assistance has increased 


more than tenfold in the past decade.” 

Whether fact or not, there is evidence 
of a growing fear that impotence lurks. 
And many men quickly gobble up the 
notion that pushy women are the cause. 
George Gilder, in his gynephobic book 
Sexual Suicide (which on the surface is 
a pacan to hearth, home 
good old order), w 


ns that we men are 


so weak and downtrodden and second 
class already that women must take care 


5, B.S. is a college-educated Jewish 
cabdriver, 29 years old. 

I used to view women as 
species, a higher order of animal. To 
me the reason the айп of the sink 
ing ship yelled “Women and children 
first” wasn’t that they were weak and 
hel 
thir 


n exotic 


less. It was that women were some 


grand and fine that we should 


preserve. They were mysterious, and 
my reaction to them was almost а 
religious thing 

1 think that in attempting to “ele 
vate” themselves to a position of 
equality, they've brought themselves 
down to our level. To me they're no 
longer exotic or mysterious. They've 
down off the pedestal and now 
they're just folks who get born and 
eat and fart and cuss and fight and dic 
If the boat sinks now, I'll be the first 
one off, Offerir 


com 


а lady а seat оп а bus 


was for me a 


gesture of deference, of 
admiration and respect. Now, when 
the chick standing there probably 
works a heavier rig than I do, there's 
no reason to offer her a seat. By bring 
ing herself down to my level, she’s 
opened herself up to a lot of potential 
trouble. 1 would no long 


ger hesitate to 


slug it out with a woman if she 


me some shit, because there's nothin 
And I'm 


prepared to support а wom 


sacred about her anymore 


no long 


in with money I carn, any more than 
I would be inclined to support a guy 
if we were going to be roommates 
Women used to run things by in 
fluencing me to do what they wanted 
I'm afraid they've sold out their Last 
stronghold and are now stuck with the 


problem of doing some of the work 
That's all right with me, but maybe 
“ 


some women knew they had a 


thing going and liked it 


not to oppress us further, lest they eradi 


cate both sexes. Women, he a s, have 


their sexuality assured by their ability to 
have babies, while we men must strut ag 
gressively to portray any sexuality at all 
“Unlike femininity,” he writes, “relaxed 
mascul is at Û 
nullity. . . . Manhood at the most basic 


m empty, a limp 


level can be validated and expressed only 
in action. For а man’s body is full only of 
undefined energies. And all these energies 


need the guidance of culture. He is 


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True, it does have a sophisticated FM/AM 
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stations into strong stations. 


©1974 Sony Corp of America. SONY is a trademark of Sony Corp 


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ITLL BLOW 
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FM Stereo, FM/AM Receiver, 3-Speed Record Changer Model HP-310 


PLAYBOY 


228 


therefore deeply dependent on the struc 
ture of the society to define his role.” 
That is, men should be left alone to de 
fine manhood 

Gilder goes on, ominously, saying that 
а man’s “erection is a mysterious endow- 
ment that he can never fully understand 
or control.” Yes, we are host to an organ 
of the occult, so watch it, lady! Don't 
rub too harshly the libidinous lamp 
from which may explode a vicious genic 
whom no опе can restrain. It is an im- 
plied double-edged threat of the old 
school: Such an erection loosed in a com 
munity may ейһег rape right and left 
or, like protesters resorting to civil dis 
obedience, simply go limp on you 

If we may continue to inflate Gilder 


into spokesman for a prevalent attitude, 
we can state the attitude thus: Masculin 
ity is defined by men, and itis in our na 
tures and everybody's best interests that 
we run things 

Well, then, why all the bother? The 


status quo is not ordinarily a subject 


dramatic enough to stimulate rabid dis 
cussion all over the map; not compelling 
cnough to cause men to come “out of the 
woodwork to discuss their problems”; 
not urgent enough to start a sex war. 15 
it the feminists who bear the responsibil 
ity for the distress among men? Do tl 
from their subordinate position, host 
such power? 

There is another attitude, which 1 
share, that can be stated thus: Masculin 
primarily 
for men among men, and erections are 


ity has been defined by теп 


but an unreliable, rickety narrow bridge 
between two halves of society, across 
which neither sex can commun e fully 
In The Dangerous Sex, Н. R. Hayes 
writes, “It is time the male abandoned 


his magical approach to the second sex 
It is time he lear ccept his existen: 
tial anguish; it is time he realized the 
асе of the female lies within himself,” 

That is to say: Mea are primarily уш. 
nerable to the attitudes of other men; it 


is upon ourselves, our own sex, that we 


intenance of Our 
nce upon the erection as our state- 
ment of sexuality has provided us with 
but a gossamer incapable of support 


depend for the m 
те 


ing the intercourse of whole human 
sensibilities 

We find ourselves as lonely, isolated 
individuals in an 
massness—mass communications, mass 
production, п al 
tion—which weakens internal value sys 
tems and in which an ego must struggle 
to breathe. Ralph A. Luce. Jr., writing in 
The Psychoanalytic Review, says, "The 


ge of corporate 


sive ret 


tion, automa 


cultural stereotypes of masculinity are 


changing from personal to impersonal 


forms with which successful identification 
is difficult if not impossible.” Still, he 
argues, it is “beter to identify with a 
stereotype than to experience the anxiety 
of no identity.” And so we project our 


sexuality onto our machinery, It is 


fantasy world in which we are onlookers 
We watch computers make decisions; we 
watch sports from the side lines: we 


L. S. is 29 and teaches literature 
at a Chicago college. 

Until 1 was over 
а freak, I grew up pretty isc 
small town, where it would lı n 
social suicide being known as a 
“queer.” Being Catholic didn't help. 
either, Outside marriage, any kind of 
sex was sinful—even thinking about 
it, which I did a lot. One priest suid 
this attraction I had was normal (1 
was about 17) and that I was just going 


I thought 1 was 
ated 
eb 


through a phase, In college, the first 
thing the psychologist said was, "How 
long have you liked boys?” I was em 
barrassed. I cried through my life 
story, He yawned. After all, it was so 
typical. Since I had never done any 
thing, there was hope. 1 underwent 
а “treatment” and was “cured.” Then 
I didn’t like boys or girls for a 
while. My cure proved to be a remis 
sion and Î had to face the fact that my 
phase” was permanent 

I soon lost my faith, I still hadn't 
done it with a boy, though 1 dry 
humped some virgins—which doesn’t 
t college was uptight 


count. Everyor 
What if “they” found out? Imagine 
having the guys from the dorm see 


you coming out of some gay bar 


Liberation didn’t come until grad 
school. 1 still dated, especially girls 
who wore ice skates around the apart 
ment. I also smoked dope, and camped 
at weak moments. At long last, 1 came 
out. Some friends simply took me to 
my first gay bar. What a relief, But 
hot everyone in academia was as 
open-minded as my friends, so I tried 
to keep it cool, not always with 
success. I still remember the oh-so- 
genteel cuts by former friends when 


they found out 


What really changed my whole 
image of homosexuals—and_ mysel{— 
was the bunch of bright gay grad stu 
dents I got in with. I found that, с 


trary to leg 


nd, it was possible 
both homosexual and healthy, We 
were in history, lit, psych, divinity, 
law, medicine, Most of the 
not only successful but—surpris 
happy, too. We met at gay profs’ 
houses. The group was very suppor 
tive, but after a while, it 
bred. 1 found myself going to the 
bars more often 

That's when I got to know the 
other, more depressing segment of 
у” life. It’s not pleasant to talk 


p were 


t too i 


у 


about, but it is a large part of my 


homosexual experience. You'd think 


that gay people, having suffered so 


many similar pains, would be symp: 
thetic companions. Don't you believe 
it. Many seem defeated or accept the 
Others turn 
their self-hatred outward through not 
very funny bitchiness. The flaming 
queens, who first seem amusing, be 


limp-wrist stereotype 


come tedious, then pathetic. ‘They're 
in the minority, though. In the bars 
worth is measured almost entirely by 
youth and appearance. The blaring 


jukeboxes make conversation almost 


sible. Usually a good thing, to 
You learn to talk as little as p 
with a prospective trick, for fear the 
m will evaporate. You collect 


s you know you'll never 


sible 


«һа 


phone пит 
dial. The boys begin to blur; “Jerry? 
Uh, Jerry who? Oh. Where did we 
meet?” 

Before I met my first lover, I ac- 
cepted all this. 1 scored heavily, when 
I wanted to expend the time and 
energy. Or risk the d 


gers from 


psychopathic punks, sick cops and 
other, genuine perverts. 1 was very 
insecure and needed to prove 1 was 
attractive, Love ended that string of 
fleeting encounters. I now had a real 
compatible relationship and 1 was the 
happiest I had been in my life. I finally 
сате to terms with myself, I wasn't 
r the 


just resigned to being gay but 
glad 


first time 


But after two good years, with both 


of us struggling for our careers, we 


broke up. И may not be much com 
fort, but when my straight friends tell 
me about the hang-ups in their mar 
1 

essential differences there are between 


ges or love affairs, 1 realize how few 


our scenes. The jealousy, petty irrita- 
g. the will-itdast 
re so much alike 


tions, the role play 
anxiety—the game 
Which leads me to think the real 
problem is not whom you go to bed 
with but how you relate to people 

At this moment, I feel at peace with 
myself, ог as close to th 


5 is possible 


these days. I'm still waiting for a lov 
ing, lasting union. (Though 1 have 
sex when I want it, my luck may fade 
with my looks.) Meanwhile, 1 enjoy 
my work and I have other, nonsexual 
interests to sus 


е. My friends are 


about equally divided between gay 
and straight, male and female. My 
colles 


don't seem to mind. 


gues know my story by now and 
Anyway, I'm 
accepted and I'm not forced to lead 
the unnerving double life several 
of my acquaintances do. After go- 
ing through it all and being on the 
verge of 30—now, that shocks me— 
I prefer not to label myself, sim 
plistically, homosexual. I'll settle for 


human being 


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PLAYBOY 


230 


atch sex projected onto screens, 
You worry too much about masculin- 
ity,” said cowboy Ned Lasker, who trains 
horses. “It ain't something you think 
about, It's just something you do, some- 
thing you are. 

For most men, what they are is their 
work, the job comes closest to establish- 
ing the ego, and most men work within 
the corporate system, where their status 
is determined by an aggregate of men 
whose status is similarly determined. As 
men dig for position within the compa 
ny, their egos are largely dependent on 


how many men rank beneath. The giant 
corporation, which typifies the nation, is 
the most emasculating foce we have yet 
devised for ourselves. 

By the bondi 
of males in a 


together of hundreds 
single massive 
cause, each is stripped of the independ 
ent power to determine the course of 
his life, or often where he shall live it 
and even orcasionally—especially among 
the roosters near the top—with whom he 
shall live 

“You сап always leave a company, 
socialscience writer Robert C 


economic 


"said 
aiborne, 


B. R. is 25, born and raised їп the 
South, educated in a Catholic colleg 
where he graduated “summa cum bull. 
shit.” He is now creative director for a 
California film company that Special: 
izes in tele 

Whatever the women’s movement 
was or is, it's been perfect for me. I've 
always been interested in just some 
good honest friends and a good honest 
fuck. I'm not gay in any way Гуе eve 
noticed, but I'm delicate in the cen- 
ter, I always think of a ‘Thermos bot- 
tle: steel on the outside, glass on the 
inside. And up until recently, this 
world wasn't made for people like me. 
1 mean, when some high school half- 
back was drying his balls with a saddle 
blanket in the locker room and bel. 
lowing about some little number who 
sucked him off in the back seat of his 
Chevy the previous evening, 1 wasn’t 
about to pipe up with an observation 
about the beautiful, tender relation- 
ship 1 felt I had with some under- 
standing but underdeveloped hone: 
from the other side of town. 

But along about the turn of the 
decade ог so, when I was maybe 21 or 


ision commercials, 


22, something started to happen. 
Women were admitting they mastur- 
bated and were demanding something 
more permanent from men than а 
nine-inch erection, Football stars were 
posing in panty hose for TV comme 
cials. The whole structure that had 
fucked me over was collapsing. Now I 
just play it like I really feel it. I'm in 
no | n to be a protector of some 
woman. I need to be saved from the 
world more than most women 1 meet. 
So a woman—knowing that she now 
can be as important as any man—says, 
why sure, don't you worry, sweetheart, 
because I'm going to protect you. 
Then she hops into the sack with me 
and protects the shit out of me. Tak- 
ing charge gets her off and being 
gentle gets me off. Basically, what it 
means is that I по longer have to live 
up to an image that I don’t identify 
with. Hardness, toughness, is no 
longer the only way to be a man, 
And this change seems to have pro- 
duced a lot more variety in the ever 


day sex you get. At bottom, women 
аге more connoisseurs of sex than 
men, To a greater extent than women 
men are single-minded about sex, 
Satisfaction, pleasure, begins and ends 
with the penis, For whatever reasons, 
women scem to be more sensitive to 
alternative kinds of stimulation—con 
sequently, they are more apt to experi 
ment, to be creative. It used to be only 
by an act of force on my part that 
chicks would get into anything kinkier 
tha ob, Now they're suggest 
ing things to me, showing me new 
tricks, taking the initiative. For exam 
ple, 1 had been going with this girl for 
a while and we were getting along 
fine, but 1 knew she wanted me to try 
something Т wasn't doing. Through а 
series of trials and errors. I took 
crash course in yoga for the tongue 
from her. And that set us straight. You 
she wanted me to pay more atten 
tion to her clitoris, She wanted full 
bore orgasms and I was too stupid to 
understand what that was all about. 1 
ght that what women 
wanted was for me to behave myself 
and fuck, make a nice clean break and 
go to my corner. It was these women 
who taught me that they liked to have 
their pussies caten and their asses 
fucked, that they liked the taste of 
semen, and so on. All the wonderful 
things I'd dreamed of doing with 
women turned out to be just the 
things they'd dreamed of doing with 
men, Everything fell into place. 

It’s because of things like this that 
women are such a pleasure to be 
around these days. The whole burden 
of responsibility for making sexual 
conquests has been taken off me and 
it’s a relief. I'm not ashamed of my 
nature anymore nor am 1 fooled by 
men who act strong. I sometimes think 
it would be nice if women would 
really take over. I'd like to get fucked 
in the morning and then sleep till 
noon while she went out and made 
the 25 grand. The girl I'm living with 
now has agreed to take her turn and 
support me for а year. I'll take а year 
off and run the house. I cook better 
than she docs anywa 


1 blow 


a believer that a man is master of his 
fme. To be sure, a man chooses the 
corporation freely, and willingly—deter- 
minedly—competes in the climb within 
it. But the enormous psychic investment 
in the advance remains in the corpora- 
tion and the climber’s power, however 
towering, cin be directed only down- 
ward within the operation. or outward 
as representative of it. Higher wages, 
gicater prestige, wider responsibility, 
lasting security remain properties of the 
corporation. You can leave it, but you 
can't take it with you. 
“Well, you left it,” 
Time Inc. deps 


а disputations 
iment head hissed at me 
as we got drunk in a bar beneath the 
edifice where 1 had worked at Life, “You 
chose to leave, 1 chose to stay. Does that 
make you better? 

Lucky, maybe. not better. For 1 did 
not compete well among the hard-wo:k- 
ing company men, 


and if there was pride 
in striking out on my own, so was thee 
recognition of my weakness in retreating 
before challenging circumstances, My 
case was an example of how frustrations 
within the man’s corporate web cause 
egos to atrophy and how distresingly 
common it is that men tum outward to 
dominate women as compensation, 

A U.A.W.local president in Detroit, 

Herbert Zalopany, agreed that men ii 
the plant generally were “fucked up sex 
ually, because of their egos" and he 
ould see a clear differentiation based 
on jobs, “I don't work in the plant while 
I'm president,” he said. “I feel fantast 
cally healthy, mentally, because I get my 
ego from the fact that out of 4000 guys 
in the plant, they picked me number 
one. Now, you take the man on the low 
est level, punching buttons on the line, 
they tend to seek the most from outside 
broads, fuck everybody they can, and 
then talk about it.” 

If manhood is threatened by the cor- 
poration, it is threatened twice. For the 
most lethal mix is probably that of the 
corporation and the monogamous mar 
viage (which, while shaky, still predomi- 
nates, for better or worse). No one 
woman can atone for the squelch of ego 
suffered by a man at the hands of men 
among whom he works. And if, as Warren 
well, author of The Liberated Man, 
describes а man’s traditional role vis 
vis his mate, "Man's basic good is money, 
and his basic service security.” then a ny 
attempt by women to reach for independ- 
ent lives beyond service in the home is to 
levy yet another tax. Neither is the hunt- 
ing ground safe from contending rivals, 
nor is the den secure for the licking 
of wounds. 

OF course, one cannot place the entire 
onus on corporate life; men bond to- 
gether in the Marines, the police, the 
аше the political parties. АШ 


St 


nonality of the 


these have the com 
sanctuary, with attendant scuffling for 
position and sanction, with ritual sexual 
chest thumping about women while safe- 
ly buffered from contradiction by them. 
Men struggle within these havens to 
achieve a stereotype of strength and stoi- 
cism by which they might approach the 
stereotype of, say, the cowboy. But, as 
Ralph Luce writes, “If the stereotype 
works in public, it usually doesn’t work at 


J. B. is a novelist in his late 30s who 
lives in New Yor 

‘The women's movement is going to 
be the most terrific thing that's ev 
happened. 1 figure they're about half- 
way along right now, and it's already 
better than it’s ever been. The other 
ht, 1 was standing at а bar, look- 
ing a place over—not at all sure of 
what play I'd be making—and this 
chick comes up and says, “Hey, you've 
got a great ass. 1 really go for guys 
with good backsides.” And that was 
just her opene 

But it's even better than that. I took 
a chick home the other night and we 
were in her bed about three o'clock in 
the morning, and it was all over, you 
know. I mean we sucked and we fucked 
and we did all the things, and now I'm 
laying there, and I'd like to get out 
But she's a terrific girl and I'm sure 
ГИ want to see her again, I don’t want 
to upset her by running off, so I'm 
getting ready to have this uncom: 
fortable night when the chick rolls 
over and says, “Listen, It's really been 
fan and everything, and I think you're 
very nice, But I really like to sleep 
alone. Do you think you could find 
your way out of here?” As I left, she 
called out, “ГИ give you a call tor 
row, OK?" Can you believe it? 7 
гє. When the women really have it 
all together, it’s going to be the best 
world that ever w 


Eventually, he has to take his 
t which time his wife becomes 


home 
clothes off, 
the final arbiter of his masculinity. 
Ignoring Luce’s marriage imagery, the 
point is made that finally n stands 
naked and alone before somebody, with- 
ation or fis 


out the trappings of с 
cal might or group support, and his 
capability of communion at that level 
will determine the endurance of his ego. 
It is toward the end of eradication of 
the arbitrary division of qualities be- 
tween the sexes, and freeing of men to 
permit themselves a range of sensual ex- 
presion and absorption as wide as that 
ll over the 


ascribed to women, that 
country there is a growing movement 
of male consciousnessraising groups. 
Men unused to baring their frailties 


“Tam not, I can assure you, watching any show. 


and miseries are being encouraged to 
communicate 

The Berkeley Men's Center issued a 
manifesto that states, “We, as men, 
ty. We 


па compete to 


want to take back our full human 


no longer want to strain 
live up to an imposible oppressive mas 
culine image. . . . We want to love our- 
selve ‚ We want to relate to both 
women and men in more human ways— 
with warmth, se у. emotion and 
honesty. . . . We don't want to engage 
in ego battles with anyone.” 

Psychologist Robert Brannon of Broo 
lyn College, who, with others such as 
Warren Farrell of New York and Jo- 
seph Pleck of Michigan, has been push- 
ing for consciousness-raising, says, “The 
whole fucking game is not natural. 
There's a dawning recognition that 
Western masculinity is a perversion. It's 
т we want to move away from polar- 
ization. Masculinity is a word that should 
be retired, like femininity. That my sexual 
plumbing is different from a woman's, 


cle: 


that I have a prick and balls, should be 
completely irrelevant. The whole reper- 
toire of how we relate to other human 
beings should be distributed randomly 
across sex lines.” 

Brannon asked me to answer a ques- 
tion оп a questionnaire he had been cir- 
culating: "At a party, а man calls you 
an obnoxious bastard and deliberately 
throws a drink in your face. Everyone 
watches to see what you'll do. What г 
sponse would you most like to make, if 
you could do any of the follows 
°` “A, Ignore it; B. Make a remark that 
starts everyone laughin 
until he walks away; D. Make a devastat- 
ing retort that makes him look ridicu- 
lous; E. Talk to him without a trace of 
anger; F. Punch him out.” й 

Г said, punch him ош. “Me, too, 
Brannon said. Neither of us would 
have done that. It was just our way of 
nding each other that we are both 


rem 
men, after а 


231 


PLAYBOY 


232 


5 
Hanging Tough onini pon pge 154) 


limb in a cr. He wouldn't know angst 
from torque. Besides, it beats working 
at the mill and if you don’t drive fast, 
you don't get paid. 

as women are concerned, these 
boys like them fine, but there's no real 
business for them during a race, don't 
you know. Not really anything for them 
to do down there in the pits where the 
men are working. Lately, you do see 
few women in the pits before a race— 
photographers from Sports Illustrated, 
who probably live in New York or some- 
place like that. Nobody knows if 
woman has ever tried to race or, far as 


anybody knows, even said she wanted to. 
After a race—before опе, too—there're 
these parties and women fit in real well. 
But you don't take them too seriously or 
anything else, for that matter. The clasic 
was Little Joe Weatherly, who drove 
d but talked even better. 

At Charlotte one time, Joe's car got 
away from him in the fourth turn. He 
started wrestling it o 
and finally got it just about straight 
when he hit the first turn, This time he 
didn’t make it, went one way, then anoth- 
with his tires smoking like they were 
эп fire, and rammed into the wall. When 
he walked back into the pits, somebody 
asked him what had happened. 

“You know,” Little Joe said, shaking 
his head, “I think 1 got a little behind 


се it was sideways 


on my steering 

Unless some Frenchman told him, Lit 
tle Joe Weatherly never knew that's 
called sang-froid. 

Rodeo people, or the people who pro- 
mote rodeo, anyway, like to talk about 
preserving the heritage and the skills of 
the American cowboy. Which sounds 
good and must be one of those things 
that not more than 25 percent of the 
population is seriously against. But be- 
fore you nod and agree that tradition is 
a fine thing and if that’s what rodeo is 
all about you're for it, consider the five 
vents. Saddle bronc. Bareback. Calf rop 
ing. Bulldogying. So far, all reasonable 
cowboy skills, right? Well, what about 
the filth, bull riding? Pure mayhem for 
its own sike and, naturally, the most 
popular of the rodeo events, 

Rodeo riders get hurt. With the possi 
ble exception of the British troops at the 
Ваше of New Orleans, no group of men 
has ever been so busted up for such 
small profit, Larry Mahan, who is to 
rodeo what Jack Nicklaus is to golf, has 
broken his jaw, his foot and just about 
everything i n the line of 
duty. The foot he had wrapped in a 
plaster cast so he could keep ridi 
None of the other cowboys thought that 


between 


was anything special. The $60,000 or so 
that Mahan earned last season amounts 


to a couple of good weekends for Nick- 
laus, who courageously defies sunburn 
and blisters every time he steps onto 
the course. 

Most cowboys would call it a 
year if they knocked down a th 
what Mahan wins. but they wouldn't 
quit rodeo to do it. And that doesn't 
have anything to do with how much they 
love the sport. Maybe they do, but it’s 
about the same as a bear's loving fur. 
What these guys do is rodeo and if they 
could make more driving a truck, so 
what? They could make more money in 
nuclear physics, too. What makes good 
rodeo riders is what makes bad job- 
holders. You've got to just live a little 
angry—seethe most of the time—to find 
release in bull riding. Maybe that’s why 
just about every story you read about 
rodeo has the writer gettin 
kicked or has some cowboy mentioning 
that he might like to do it, Ang 
much a part of rodeo as the seedy motels, 
the early-morning drives to the next 
town, the chance you might not get paid 
just because you drew a bad horse (cow- 
boys сап spend а lifetime cursing their 
luck and whatever force it is in the uni 
verse that wants to shut them out) and 
the possibility that the next bull may 
just spin and throw a good cowboy into 
the dust, then gore him or stomp him to 
jelly. It's all just part of it and loving it 
doesn’t figure in. Most of the time it’s 
shit, like any other life. Then, once in а 
while, you get that feeling that comes 
from staying up for the whistle on a ton 
of angry beet 


his ass 


г is as 


Between calls, what a fireman does is 
cook and clean house. And take care of 
the gear and train to mind-numbing rep- 
etition in the techniques of his job. 
When action comes, it is quick and the 
men go into their drill. But fire fighting 


is not an exact science and things get out 
of hand; men run imo situations that 
аге not covered by procedure. Then you 
go on instinct and trust the man behind 
you. Count on teamwork and luck, But 


even when you are good and do every 
thing right, you сап be trapped by a ci- 
pricious fire, fall through a crumbling 
floor, swallow too much smoke and die 
that horrible death by fire. Look at the 
burned remains of a fireman's helmet or 
parka and you will know something 
about hell, 

The risks and the horror are enough 
to bind firemen and the barracksroom 
atmosphere of the firehouse is gravy 
Lately. there's another dimension. Hos 
tility. There is nothing like a collective 
feeling of betrayal to give a group of 
men that sense of having о 
other and what they know and what they 


ly one an- 


have suffered. Firemen are targets these 
days of urban guerrillas. Some of it is 
just exasperating: the false alarms t 
are called in from pure malice—nothing 
of the prank in them—and that drain а 
man’s energy and good will, Some of it is 
deadly. A brick thrown at а man riding 
an engine while struggling into his gear 
can kill him, Has. Read Dennis Smith's 
Report from Engine Company 82. Shared 
hate is something men understand. 


When our astronauts die, they smash 
up their sports cars or they crash a jet 
trainer that resembles a moonship in 
about the way a tricycle resembles a big 


Harley. There were the unfortunates 
who bought it on the pad, in a test ye 
but that seems only to confirm some 
morbid rule about these flicrs who have 
graduated to n 
some to be d 


achines almost too awe 
adly. What is the need to 
drive a Corvette at lunatic speed when 
you're one of the handful who've had the 
greatest ride ever? Can't you ever 
enough? 

What, too, is there that you need to 
know about luck? Neil Armstrong has 
had close calls in everything that flies ex 
cept, maybe, а blimp. But he always 
stayed cool. So when it came time to pick 
the man who would land the first ship 
on the moon, the ned went to Arm 
strong, You trust the machinery. Es- 
pecially that machinery. But there's 
something more you need and you get it 
from pilots who have the touch and have 
been smiled on. Men recognize tha 
thing in other men, You just know who 
has it and you try to get close to it, let it 
cover you, too. Tom Wolle had the phrase 
for it. It is “the right stuff" and astro 
таш» are supreme in the brotherhood of 
the right stull 


The test of just how good or how 
crazy (and when you talk about machis 
mo, those terms merge until only ini- 
tiates сап grasp the distinction) an 


ironworker is comes when the wind is 
picking up. Gusting, changing direction 
trying to make up its mind, The good 
ones like to go up then. Imagine yourself 
on six inches of 1 be 


m about 43 stories 


pis and lear 


ир, carrying 


ng into 


a milean-hour breeze. How would 
your stomach feel at the moment that 
wind died? Would that buy you another 


boilermaker on the way home that night? 


WE STILL МАКЕ THEM LIKE WE USED ТО, 
say the Marine Corps recruiting posters. 
ned killers 
in the service of the United States Gov- 
ernment.” they call the product they 
turn out at Parris Isl 


And. by God, they try. “Tra 


nd. The sheer mo- 


notonous un everythi from 


the way you fold your underwear to the 


“Now, that's what I call a cornucopia.” 


233 


PLAYBOY 


234 


parts you must be able to name on your 
rifle is at first hateful and 
kind of asceticism with its own strange 
appeal. Women may be serving on Navy 
ships and flying in Air Force planes, but 
they don’t fall out for rifle drill on РА, 
“We don't want pussies of either gender 
down here, e drill instructor. 


him in the hospital looking like he'd 
been turned every way but loose. 
“Honey, what happened?” she asked 
Dempsey, probably the most determined, 
vicious heavyweight ever, smiled and an- 
swered, "I forgot to duck.” 

Those are lines that men understand. 

Back 20 years or so, a woman enter- 
tained the ni 
answering questions about boxing on 
ıgway, who had a опе of those quiz shows. She knew it all 
lot lo with the way we think about all and didn’t mind if folks thought her im- 
of this, But he would've said “Rubbish” modest. She had a Ph.D. in psychology 
to the whole project. But, of course, and boxing was just a hobby with her. 
there is one thing more. Fighters. Enough She was no damn freak. She won thou- 
has been said and written about boxers sands of followers and bales of cash. 
and about the mysteries of the ring and Now Dr, Joyce Brothers dishes out crisp, 
the gym and the Spartan grind of training laconic advice to the tormented and in 
camp. What happened to Floyd Patter- secure in her syndicated newspaper col 
son when he fought Sonny Liston? It umn and over her network rad 
doesn't need to be said again, but it's all She's somebody. Kid Gavi 
there. Think about the great fights. The 
ce and the stakes, The loneliness 
of the fighters as they stepped into the 
ring. Then think about the humor of 
fighters, Joe Louis was asked how he 
planned to counter Billy Conn's speed 


says on 


эп for several weeks by 
Is there anything to add to this list? 


One thinks of Hen 


» show 
n а great 


welterweight champion 
fans back in the 


who delighted 
sacr 


days, worked recently 
Rubin “Hurri 
t at the 
g “all of i” 
That's the way 


as a janitor in Tampa 
Carter, wh 
middlewei 


сан а sh 


ıt crown, i 
in the New Jersey pen 


in the ving. “He сап vun, but he can't jh 4 
hide,” Louis said. After the first Tun. "t5 Peen going: 
ney fight, Jack Dempsey's wife found [У] 


ТШ 


б ү 0 


“Your young fellow, Gina—is he Halian?” 


ا تادا 

(continued from page 153) 
will not yet try it with his wile—or be 
receptive to her trying it on him—he 
might try it with the little lady in the dis- 
patch оћсе whom he sees on the side. I 
think he has been freed up to that extent 
and it is one of the reasons why I think 
phic films, even the worst 
of them, do in fact have redeeming social 
value. 
PLAYBOY: What about married men in the 
middle cli 
TALESE: A surprising thing 
and their wives, is that so many of them— 
much more than any statistics I know 
of indicate—are capable of swinging. 1 
would say that 80 percent of the people 
I know who belong to swinging cubs 
are in the 30-to45 age bracket, have been 
married for a decade or so and have chil 
dren. They are in the system, are part of 
middle America. They do not identify 
with drugs or protesting wars or social 
change. In fact, if you question them 
bout it, as I have, you find several of 
them speaking out against pornography 
But they are responsive to swinging, It is 
а way for both partners in the relation 
ship. and especially the woman, to be re 
lieved of the sexual restrictions that they 
otherwise maintain in their tidy subur- 
ban houses, their city apartments and 
ordered lives. If you have to spend a lot 
of time with them, they can be quite tedi 
ous and dull sex, 
This sex 
ual activity of theirs is wildly incongru: 
ous, I've never read a serious novel about 
people who swing, but I imagine it would 
be ditheult to do convincingly 
few readers could accept the fact that 
people who seem so straight, conservative 


that pornogr 


bout them, 


Yet in this one area 


they are pioneers, adventurers 


because 


uptight in their daily lives could be so 
free and frolicsome at night 
PLAYBOY: How prevalent is swinging in 


America? 
TALESE: There 
ma 


e published figures е 
that 8,000,000 couples swi 


in 
this country, but this may be exaggerated 
because it came from sources who a 
great advo still, 


almost any mediumsized city today you 


swinging 


can find a swing club with ducs-paying 
members, people who meet once or twice 
a weck in a certain bar, drink and social 
ize together—and later, if the vibes are 
right, some couples will go off together to 
a motel or a private residence and swap. 
The names they use for the clubs usually 
wouldn't suggest anything sexual at all 
although sometimes they may go as far as 
calling themselves the Jet Setters or the 
Hi Jinks—onionaip names 
Incidentally, 


ne of the most interest 
ing things that сап eventually happen 
here is that one ¢ 


uple will become emo 
tionally involved with another couple. 
will fall in love, And then a third couple 
will sometimes enter the picture and 


replace some of the affection enjoyed 


between the original wo couples. Then 
‘I have six people in which the three 
uples take on ch wi 
angle.” The situation is fascinating, these 
people who seem so straight in their com 
munities becoming, at night, involved in 
complex, intense relationships—which, of 
course, they conceal from thy children 
in every way they сап. The husbands in 
these swing clubs usually get along very 
well together: there's almost a Rotarian 
spirit among them kslapping. but 
not sexual touching, It’s like they're part 
of the same bowling team. 

PLAYBOY: When you say swingers, do you 
include people who are into groupsex 


racteristics of 


scenes? 
TALESE: Usually not. Swinging couples, as 
а rule, prefer privacy: that is, а man will 
make love to somebody else's wife in a 
bedroom while their 
mates are doing the behind a 
closed door down the hall, Later, the 
four of them will reconvene in the living 


motel room ог 


same 


combed, 


room, fully dressed, powdered, 
and will sit talking in a friendly fashion 
while sipping a drink and hall watching 


the Johnny Carson show оп television 
Groupsex people are much less private 
about lovemaking. They usually are 


more sophisticated, more liberated and 
certainly more unself-conscious. They 
would have to be fairly unself-conscious 
room with 


to function sexually in a 


other people present. Many men h 


ve a 


$36.75, plus tip. 
(And you've got $27.88.) 


problem maintaining an erection during 
their first groupsex experience, but they 
adjust soon enough and usually become 
enchanted with Alex Comfort 
al effect” of group nudity 


what 


calls the “mag 
and sex. 


5 Do you think that monogamy 
and fidelity, the old virtues, are truly 
vanishing from the American scene—or 
have researchers ignored their existence 
and focused on the more risqué aspects 
of sex life in America? 

TALESE: That's а good point, and there is 
no doubt in my mind that today in 
America there are millions of people 
who are perfectly content to maintain 
monogamous sexual relationships. But 
the change through the Sixties was never- 
theless incredible. The married woman 
today is undeniably freer with her hus- 
band. A great deal of it is a result of 
what she’s read and has been с 
is socially acceptable. If а woman had 
a vibrator years ago, she'd hide it under 


nvinced 


the mattress or in her private bedside 
table 
scribed as kinky a decade a 
mirrors around the room, 1 
vices, various positions and, of course, oral 
sex—all are being freely experimented 
with, Comfort’s The Joy of Sex has sold 
something like 700,000 copies in hard- 
cover, which simply could not happen if 


Things that might have been de 
»—having 
ighting de- 


it weren't being purchased by the middle 
Classic; it’s a 


class, 


mass-market book, a book you see on cof 
fee tables across the country, despite the 
fact that it displays explicit drawings of 
nude couples making love in every con 
ceivable manner, and deals, too, with the 
sexual Sadie Mae routine—the boots, 
chains and other items that Comfort 
places in the department of “Sauces and 
Pickles.” 

Another change in America, which the 
growing number of clubs and 
group scenes merely hints at, is that for 
the first time. 
able to live with the idea that their wife 
is making it with another man—hell, 
sometimes they even like to watch, And 
again going out of that special group 
to more conventional married people—I 
think it’s probably true that men aren't 
quite so shocked by infidelity on the 
part of their wives as was the сазе a gen 
Marriages are 


swing 


great numbers of men 


eration ago. To sum up 
freer, sex life within the confines of mar 
But outside marriage, out 
groups and 


riage is freer 
side the swap clubs and 
private purview of the love айай, a big 
battle still exists—with the man wan 
dering around, looking for sexual diver 
sion and, contrary to what he wishes to 
admit, not findiy 
PLAYBOY: Let's deal with that—but let's 
stay with marriage for a while. When 
you say that married women are freer 
about their sexuality, does that mean 
that a lot of men no longer have to go 


t often enough. 


It's not a Greenle: 


YOU’VE GOT 
MASTER CHARGE 
Your Master Charge card is good 
when you dine out, travel, vacation. 
It’s good in big stor 
little stores. It's good in more pla 
than any other card. It even lets 
you stretch out your payments, 
if you wish. (And that’s good, too.) 


master charge 


THE INTERBANK GARD 


235 


PLAYBOY 


236 


outside their marriages to get their 


kicks? 
TALESE: That's a hard question. The tend- 
ency would be to say yes, because many 


persuasive researchers are saying yes, and 
we'd like to believe that the answer is 
yes. All of us who are interested in health- 
ier living, healthier lives, including sexual 
lives, have a tendency to convince our- 
selves that things are a little more liberat- 
ed than they really аге, We want to 
believe what we read in the magazines— 
the optimistic findings of problem solvers 
like Masters and Johnson, the findings of 
your new Kinsey follow-up by Morton 
Hunt, I do not attack that kind of re- 
search done in laboratories, or done by 
skilled survey takers: all of it is true in 
its own way—but I sometimes think it has 
little to do with what is really going on 
in the bedrooms of America, I sometimes 
feel that people who participate 
ual surveys do not always say what they 
think, or tell what they do, or do what 
they think they do. They sometimes con 
vey what they think you want to hear or 
what they prefer believe about them- 
selves. Sometimes, on the subject of sex, 
people are incapable of being frank and 
truthful, or they simply believe that their 
sex life is private and not to be discussed. 
Even sex researchers, people who special 
ize in other people’s privacy, will not re- 
veal anything about their own sex life. 
Once in Washington, after I'd heard а 
speech by Masters and Johnson about 
how a vigorous sex life was posible and 
healthy when individuals were well be- 
yond middle age, 1 raised my hand to ask 
them a question. 1 asked Dr. and Mrs. 
Masters how often they made love. Well, 
that question produced a silence in that 
banquet hall of 2000 people like nothir 
Га ever experienced. Dr. Masters, stand- 
ing behind the rostrum, frowned and 
remained silent; and then Virginia 
Masters, with all the poise she could 
summon, which was considerable, leaned 
across the rostrum into the microphone 
and, with a smile and a kindly touch of 
condescension, replied: “We don't keep 
score. 

But back to your question about the 
possibility of total sexual satisfaction 
within marriage. The leader of the 
Sandstone nudist community that 1 have 
lived in periodically since 1972 in South. 
em California, a brilliant man named 
John Williamson, had a theory that no- 
body could totally satisfy the sexual 
needs of another person. 

If so, what does one do about i 
There are three possibilities: One, you 
can repress your desires for other people 
Two, you cin attempt to satisfy them se 
cretly. Or, three, you сап admit your 
needs to each other, acknowledge that 
you want to keep the marital relation- 
ship going, and then go out and try to 
deal with these needs. If you attempt to 
deal with them in a sexual marriage 
di o in and say that 


1 sex 


ic, what you do is 


you have a problem of fulfillment, and 
perhaps the prescribed remedies will 
include the viewing of erotic films for 
their instructional value (these same 
films, incidentally, would be X-rated if 
shown in ‘Times Square, where some of 
them are shown); and you might be a 
sisted also by a surrogate wife. One of 
the things that have occurred to me in 
the past couple of years is that there's 
very thin line, if a line at all, between 
what passes for pornography and what 
passes for medicine, Both are medicinal 
A massage parlor is as medicinal as a ps 
chiatrist. It's just that in the first case 
people pay to be touched and in the sec 
ond, people pay to be heard. 
PLAYBOY: Is there still a lot of furtive sex 
going on? 
TALESE: Yes. There are many men who а 
happily married who don’t want to have 
n involved affair with another woman— 
because of guilt or lack of time or lack 
of money or whatever—and they must 
deal with their sexual frustrations or un- 
fulfilled fantasies in other ways. Having 
ffair is a complicated condition for 
many married men. It is also expensive. 
It means lying, sneaking around, signing 
nto hotels and showing your identifies 
tion—because many hotels, for reasons 
of security, now insist on seeing one’s 
driver's license or credit cards prior to 
registration. But if a man ean handle the 
complications of an extramarital affair, 
or if he can get himself to а massage par 
Jor now and then, 1 think will make 
him a better man at home—again, thìs is 
all assuming that he wants to keep the 
marriage together 

My own feeling is that the more sex 
you have, the more you like it. And, con- 
versely, people in prison, who are denied 
sex for long periods of time, have a mis 
erable time functioning again when they 
are released. It’s one of the most atrocious 
things going on in this country—these 
long incarcerations where people have 
either no sex at all or brutal sex. 
PLAYBOY: You said earlier that when men 
look for sexual diversion, they don't find 
as much of it as they'd like to. Were you 
referrin only to blue-collar married 
men? 
TALESE: No, not at all. I've talked to men 
whose names you would recognize—big 
names in sports, entertainment, the busi- 
ness world—men whom you would never 
think would have any problems connect 
ing for casual sex... and yet who cannot 
find it. Certainly they can't find it as 
often as they'd like to. I mean men who 
just want to get it on, Last Tango style, 
Every man wants to think there's a 
Maria Schneider in his neighborhood. 
But it just isn't so. It's difficult for 
man to have casual. healthy. impersonal 
sex in America. This is one of the feel- 
ings T got again and again, in attempting 
to deal with reality as I found it as a re- 
porter on the road. Women still do not 
tke the initiative sexually. And so, in 


the United States of Ame: п the year 
of our Lord 1974, despite the sexual revo- 
lution and everything we've heard and 
read about lusty females, I still say that 
most men do not get as much sex as they 
want and need—or, to put it in the 
vernacular, it is hard to get laid. 
PLAYBOY: Why? 

TALESE: Women are not yet comfortable 
with the notion of impersonal sex. And 
so а man pays for his passion, In one 
way or another, a man pays for the joy 
of sex with women. Obviously, he pays 
in different a 
ways—but he pays. The most obvious 
way is to pay a prostitute, a callgirl or 
the manager of a massage parlor. Or, in 
a nonmonetary sense, a man has to give 
something other than just himself sex- 
ually—sex alone is not enough. 

PLAYBOY: But don't you believe that there 
are more women today who do not de 
mand such payment? 

TALESE: Perhaps, but the overwhelming 
fact is that the average woman will not 
go to bed with the average man just for 
sex. She wants most of all, I think, a 
kind of commitment kind of commit 
ment. Not necessarily a total commit- 
ment, but she does not want impersonal 
sex. I doubt that the woman today wants 
impersonal sex any more than wom 
did when 1 was in college in the ly 
Fifties, I'm of course aware of the words 
in feminist magazines, the speeches and 
talk shows and statistics; but I still be 
с that women do not want impersonal 
sex. I wish they did. There are millions of 
men who wish they did. There mil 
lions of men who wish that women would 
tack them, seduce them, flash on them 
in subway cars, It would make 
man more fun 

PLAYBOY: Maybe it would scare men to be 
treated as sex objects that way 

TALESE: 1 doubt it. The thing that sepa 
r m women is rejection. The 
average man knows sexual rejection in 
ways that few women ever do. Men 
know rejection from the time they're їп 
high school, trying to get a date, and 
they face the risk of rejection all through 
their lives. Women do not, Almost any 
woman, even a һа 
can find a sexual partner any time she 
wants by sending out minimum signals. 
PLAYBOY: Have you ever met an attrac 
tive woman who thought of sex as just a 
good romp—and that’s all? 

TALESE: On rare occasions, I've met some- 
one who fits that description. Usually, 
the woman is com 
ence that had been confining—and I 
don't necessarily mean а long-term expe 
rience with a lover, though it might hı 
been—that inspires this freedom for а 
quick fl t hardly m: 
ters who you are; you just have to be in 
the right place at the right time. But, she 
wouldn't want it a second time with you. 
If you made love with her again, she 
would want something more from you 


d sometimes very subtle 


tes men fr 


ly attractive woman, 


g ӨЙ some experi 


ig. In such cases, 


“Believe me, Ms. Klitterman, I'm trying not 
to look at you as a хех object.” 


237 


PLAYBOY 


238 


than just your sexual parts and eager 
attendance, 

PLAYBOY: Yes, but women today are bold- 
er, they emit stronger signals. . . . 
TALESE: I'm not sure how much bolder 
women are today than, say, a generation 
ago. Which reminds me of something I 
thought of earlier, when we were talking 
about group sex: In the past two years, 
I've been around many bisexual wom 
consciousness-raising liberated ladies of 
the Seventies, and I've seen these women 
try to demonstrate affection for other 
women in the room, party where a 
group scene might be likely to occur. 
And 1 have watched women hold hands 
for hours, not knowing what other 
moves to make. They seemed, these 
women who want to get it on with other 
women, these young women not long re- 
moved from the campuses, they seemed 
as they gently stroked each other around 
the wrists or the arms that they did not 
know what to do next. And my impres- 
sion of these people was that they just 
did not know how to woo. They'd never 
had to do it. They'd always be rece 
ing—and they'd never had to initiat 
and this, 1 think, is where many women 
аге today. 
PLAYBOY: Don't you think that young 
women today care more about what men 
look like than they used to? 

TALESE: Possibly, but I think women have 
always cared to some degree what men 
looked like insofar as grooming and 
dress are concerned. What is different in 
the past decade is how much more caring 
there is on the part of men themselves— 
all the attention to hair styles, the tight 
Jockey shorts that give what the advertis- 
ing copy writers call “that snug fit"; and, 
of course, all those Brut and dandruff- 
shampoo commercials on television must 
be appealing to somebod 
PLAYBOY: The Government's report on 
pornography indicates that women today 
for the first time, are admitting to being 
turned on by visual erotica. Do you di 
pute that finding? 

TALESE: I'd like to believe it, but I won- 
der, Take Playgirl magazine, I talked а 
length with the editor of Playgirl, an a 
ticulate, tall, handsome woman in her 
30s named Marin Scott Milam, She has 
been married 12 years, her first mar- 
e. She looks through the pages of her 
zine each month and sees а variety 
of penises, she reads endless articles and 
columns advocating freedom for women, 
sexual gratification for health 
and happiness through masturbation, 
and so forth—and I asked her, the editor 
of Playgirl, how she has been influenced 
by the sexual revolution. I was very sp 
cific. I asked if she had had any sexual 
relations outside marriage. She said no. 
I asked if she had been to a nudist park 
or had seen since her marriage any nude 
men other than her husband and the 


wome 


Playgirl models. She said no. I asked sev- 
eral other questions, and I assure you this 
lovely woman sounded right out of the 
Fifties. Now, of course, getting back to 
my previously stated skepticism of sexual 
surveys, it could be that she was not 
being candid—but I really feel she was 
telling me the tuth. It could be that, 
like Masters and Johnson, she felt 1 had 
no right to ask such questions—which is 
probably why I asked them. I wanted to 
see if 1 would get an answer and, per- 
haps more important, in what manner 
the answer would be given. I wanted to 
how today's professional woman— 
particularly the editor of a popular sex- 
oriented magazine for liberated women— 
deals with such questions. I wanted to 
know if she would reveal things about 
her private life that a generation ago an 
interviewer would never ask and a 
woman—or а тап, for that matter— 
would never answer, Mrs. Milam was 
poised and polite during our interview, 
but she revealed nothing that would 
shock my proper mother, or my old parish 
priest, or Mrs, Milam’s old parish priest 
ow, when І spoke with Hugh Hef 
ner, as I have on several occasions, I did 
get very candid replies, most of which I 
doubt this publication would care to 
print. 
PLAYBOY: Let's deal with that laver—when 
the tape recorder is off. Also, I guess we 
сап expect to hear from Mrs. Milam 
about some of this. 
TALESE: I really did not mean to focus on 
her personally—I was just trying to deal 
with what you said about women today 
being turned on by visual erotica. 1 
think it’s wonderful if they are, and 1 
think it's about time that such magazines 
as Mrs. Milam’s show full nudity of 
males, 1 do feel, however, that if one of 
those Playgirl models—such as the well- 
endowed actor Peter Lupus, who was a 
centerfold recently—would stroll into the 
Playgirl offices one day, remove all his 
clothes and pose nude near the coffee 
machine, the reaction would be a few fe- 
male shrieks, much shock and a quick 
call to the security guard. 
PLAYBOY: Assuming that you're right 
about women not turning on to imper- 
sonal sex, how do you explain it? 
TALESE: Perhaps it’s a natural response— 
it’s as natural for a woman to reject the 
sexual apparatus of a male stranger as it 
is for the human body to reject any 
other foreign object, be it a transplanted 
heart or a blackhead. The key word here 
is foreign. If a penis is foreign to а wom- 
an, its owner a stranger to her, she is not 
likely to want it inside her. If it’s for 
her person has been invaded. 
But if it's not alien to her, 


f it’s part 


of somebody she knows, trusts, desires a 


relationship with, then she can take 
into her and embrace it and feel in har- 
mony with it. 


What also ought to be said in any dis- 
ion of the sexual revolution of the 
past 15 years—and I do concede that 
there has been a major revolution—is 
that as recently as a generation ago, both 
men and women wi phibited about 
ngaging in a lot of casual sex by the 
fear of disease. Until about 15 years ago, 
women had to worry a great deal more 
about getting pregnant. The pill made a 
tremendous difference, and before that, 
penicillin did also. And as far as preg- 
псу goes, it wasn’t only a fear of preg- 
nancy but, beyond that, a fear of having 
to go to ап abortionist and possibly 
risking injury or death. 

PLAYBOY: Do you think that increased 
sexual freedom for young women has 
caused any problems for young men? 
TALESE: There were stories in the press a 
few years ago claiming that college men 
were becoming increasingly intimidated 
by the sexually free coed and that much 
impotence was the result. I think the 
stories were exaggerated. The college 
men I spoke with seemed to want all the 
sex they could get. If there was an in: 
crease in the impotence ratio among col- 
legians, it could well have been because 
so many of them were stoned during the 
Sixties. lly 
liberated—women who are open and 
frank about thei П 
take the initiative sometimes їп doing 
somethii bout them—can threaten 
only a man who has a lot of growing up 
to do. 

PLAYBOY: Do you think that being the 
partner of а woman who's having а child 
is a sexual experience for а man? 

TALESE: Yes, the whole experience of preg- 
nancy is The way a woman's body 
nges in shape during the later months 
can really be a turn-on—you're making 
love to a woman who is so familiar, yet 
she has a body that feels different, is 
shaped differently, and it’s faseinatin 
PLAYBOY: Men today are more physically 
with their children than 


си 


Young women who аге т 


sexual needs and w 


affectionate 
they used to be, aren't they? 

TALESE: I hope so. I'm very free in my 
affection for my two young daughters. 
1 remember, though, that my father 
was more physically affectionate with me 
when 1 was young than 1 wanted him to 
be. He was born in Italy and с out 
of that tradition of easy warmth between 


men, between fathers and sons. And we 
were living in an Anglo-Saxon commu- 
nity when 1 was growing up, and in such 
a community, this sort of open affection 
just wasn’t done. So there was a period 
in my adolescence when I did not want 
my father to have his arm around me. 

pw, in the research for the book I'm 
doing—and especially since the months 
I spent at Sandstone—I've been able to 
accept touching among men again. I'm 
not bisexual, but I'm very free among 
men now, I'm going back to what I had 
been naturally. 1 feel easy with men 


wi 


now, nude or otherwise. Touching isn't 
strange anymore. 
PLAYBOY: At least your Catholic back- 
ground was tempered by being Italian 
Catholic 
TALESE: Not really, As far as that goes, the 
Roman Catholic Church is a misnomer 
in this country. It's the Irish Catholic 
Church, totally dominated by a tradition 
that was brought here by an oppressed 
clergy from the poverty of Ireland, from 
which Joyce was an exile. The Irish Cath- 
ойс priest in a small parish with a dozen 
nuns at the only parochial school in 
town—and this was typical of small 
American towns and cities during my 
adolesce ught a philosophy of 
sexual repression and joylessness, Pleas- 
ure was wrong. If it were indulged in, it 
would lead to punishment, Some people 
never quite get over it 

One of the things I've discovered 
the course of doing the book is the 
disproport large numbers of 
ex-Catholics involved in the pornog 
raphy industry—in films, magazines, un 
derground newspapers. massage parlors, 
groupsex Linda Lovelace was 
a Catholic, and may still be. Gerard 
Damiano, director of Deep Throat, The 
Devil in Miss Jones and others. William 
Hamling, publisher of Greenleaf Classics, 
who is up о 
case before the Supreme Court 
PLAYBOY: So we're still a puritan society 
in many ways. 


t days— 


ately 


р: 


scenes. 


obscen 


TALESE: Yes, and it's not just the strict 
Catholic background that keeps it alive, 
or tries to, Midwestern and New Eng- 
land Protestantism, Baptists in the 
South. Those repressive attitudes still 
exist. In the comment that followed 
the Supreme Court's 1973 pornography 
decisions, Joyce Carol Oates made the 
observation that we'd had the pleasure 
of destroying Vietnam for ten years and 
that then, with that release closed off to 
us, we could go back to punishing people 
at home. With the war over in Viet- 
nam, we had to find other devils here at 
home, and what better devils than the 
graphers? 

A conservative could make the 
argument that the real witch-hunt these 
days is against the people involved with 
Watergate. 

TALESE: Those people really are devils. 
Haldeman, Ehvlichman, Mitchell, Agnew 
and, Nixon himself . I've 
often thought, however, how odd it is 


í course 


the Pussycat Th 
They're all as pure as Ralph Nader. 

The fact 
is the worse for it. The n 
in a far healthier condition today 1 
some of these sleuths and plumbers 
high-level advisors had their overzealous 
ness and paranoia curbed a bit by an oc 
casional touch of erotica or at 1 


Nixon Administration ha 
curbing crime 
nals in 
lords in America and the purveyors of 
“smut” and “indecency” in the sex in- 
dustry. And whenever 
runs out of criminals to punish, as Ayn 
Rand sugg 
government manufactures them. It de 
clares so many things a crime that it be 
comes impossible for 
without breaking laws 
nation of law-abiding citizens?” asks a 
government 


Angele 


ater in Los 


I think the whole country 
tion would be 
d 
ad 


east an 
e. But instead, the whole 
be bent on 
the Communist crim 
organized-crime 


len mass: 


Vietnam, the 


the government 


мей in Ailas Shrugged, the 


people to live 
“Who wants а 
book 


ofheial in Rand's 


that there hasn't been a hint of sexual “What's there in that for anyone? . « « 
scandal in all of it. God knows what they Just pass the kind о! laws that can 
dug up on Dan Ellsberg when they rum. neither be observed nor enforced nor 


maged through his psychiatrist's files; but 
about their private lives we know noth- 
ing, and I doubt that there is anything 
to know. They are models of monogamy, 


ГИ bet, particularly Nixon. None of 


them would dare venture 


nto the palms 
of an erotic masseuse nor be caught in 


objectively interpreted—and you create 
а nation of lawbreakers and then you 
cash in on guilt 
any government has is the power to 
crack down on criminals.” 


The only power 


Well, it finally backfired. 


е 21 mg. "tar", 14 mg, nicotine 


100 mm: 21 mg, “tar, 1.5 mg nicotine: av. per cigarette, FIC Report March 74 


А 


Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined 
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. 


4 


PLAYBO 


240 


WHICH KIND OF MAN continued fron 


8. What does this most look like to you? 


A. The man at lower left, wearing a white suit, is staring 
at the green light on the dock ot upper left. The woman 
at right is weeping because he will soon leave her. They 
оге both boats against the current, borne ceaselessly into 
the past. 

The naked girl tied to the ground and screaming thinks 
she's being gang-raped by those 30 Hell's Angels, but 
actually she was asking for it and loves every minute 
of it. 

He's wrong! That poor woman's simply another sad ex 
ample of the ways men brutalize women in this society. 
D. No—it’s Marilyn Chambers sitting on my face! 


9 


You're at a P-T.A. meeting address A. “Excuse me, I meant the chair 
ing the members and you reler to the person 
head of the organization—a woman В. “Excuse me, but would you tell 


аз the chairman. She stands up, inter me what I said wrong 
гир you and says, “Would you care 


to correct that” What would you say creature 


COC HES! 


“Make it snappy, Мас. That's a business phone! 


С. “Excuse me, 1 meant the chair 


D. “Would you like to smoke my 
pole 
10. Would you rather 
\. talk to Margaret Mead 
B. make it with Raquel Welch 
С. talk to Raquel Welch 
D. make it with Margaret Mead 
E. off a gook 
11. Your lady has just put down the Latest 
issue of Ms. and has announced that 
from this day forward you have to do 


half the dishes. How do you react 


\. You jump up and do 
dishes, scrub the floor, reshingle 
the f and buy her several 
emeralds 


В. You jump up, run to the sink 
carefully break each 
half, toss th 


into the soap 
water and Anything else 
1 сап do fe 
12. If Dee Dee has ts and lets Lyle 
touch one of them, what will Lyle 
later tell his friends 


А. “Dee Dee's a shut! 


B. “Are you kidding? Four or five 


times, eas 

С. "Nine gallons every 30 seconds. 

D. “I'm just interested in her 
mind. I keep wanting to suck 
on it 

F The movie w t so hot; it 


didn't have much of a plot 
13. Which of the following is closest to 
how you see sexual intercourse 


Choose two 


А. waves crashing against cliff 
В. train plunging into tunnel 
С. train plunging against dift 
D. dissipation of precious bodily 
fluids 
E. better than getting beat up 
F. worse than getting beat up 
G. very muc ening beat up 
H. beats beating it 
I. cheaper in Mexico 
J. ineffable expression of love be 
tween two complete beings 
K. Hump. Hump. Hump. Who 
on Johnny Carson 
14. You're at a dinner party and your 
host suggests that the men retire to 
the den for brandy and cigars and 


political talk. Given the fact that the 
women at the table don't think much 
of the idea, how would you react 

A. He 


shouldn't bother their pretty 


little heads about politics and 
besides, brandy makes them 
tipsy 

B. Heartily disagree; this sort of 
behavior oppresses women 

C. Heartily disintegrate; another 
goddamn decision to make 


when you wish the wl 


would just go away 


Women today can choose any of three 
titles: Miss (unmarried and unliber 
мей), Mrs. (married and unliberated) 
and Ms. (married or unmarried but 
liberated). Since it seems unfair that 
men should have only one title, 
which of the following new modes 


of address would you choose for 
yourself 
A. Mr. (married or unmarried but 
unliberated) 
В. Ma. (unmarried and a momma's 
boy) 


C. Mo. (unmarried with homosex- 


impotent) 
E. Mx. (neither married nor un 


married but thoroughly mixed 
“р 


SCORING 


The list of answers in each category repre 


sents a perfect score. Everybody's good at 
something. 
Four-Star Pig and Proud of It: You're 


firm in the belief that pro football's 
infiltrated by p 
know that all broads look alike upside 


sies and you 


down 

1. В: 2. В; 3. С; 4. С or E; 5, В; б. С 
7. D; 8. B; 9. D; 11 А or B; 13. 
D and 1: 15. A 

here Are You, Scarlett?: You're a hope 
lessly antebellum romantic who thinks 


ladies belong in lace on pedestals and 
who considers vaginal-spray ads hard 
core pornography 

1. А: 2. А: 6. А: 7. А: В. А; 9, В; 10, С 
12. E; 18. Band J; 14. А; 15 


an I Talk to Raquel While I'm Making 


It with Нет: You're awfully rational 
about sex and such. In fact, has any 
one told you that you might be just а 
teeny bit borir 
1. B: 6. D: 7 
md H 


Sorry, Gloria, Honest to God I Am, 
Im T Sorry: Not even your vasec 
tomy pin, your charter membership 
in NOW and your notarized Certificate 
of Impotence сап atone for your guilt 
over centuries of oppression; you know 
that a vibrator is more worthy than 
you are 
1. € 2. < 3. A; 4. A; 5. С 6. В. 
8. С: 9. А; 10. р; 11. A; 12. D; 13. С 
ınd С: 14. В: 15. D 

1 Home Yet?: You registered по по 
ticeable opinion on the subject. You 
may be a plant or an extremely alert 
mineral. In any case, you're not part of 


the problem 
10. A; 12, С; 13. К 
17. О: 19. О: 20. 
С: 25. Н; 26. Т 


The word is "GIVE." Give a 
friend a subscription to OUI. It's 
better for him than a puppy— 
he won't have to teach it to 

sit, and we'll bet it will keep 

him just as warm, It's easy to 

do. Simply send us a chec 

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«ЕКИ. 
919 №. Michigan Ave 
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PLAYBOY 


242 


PLAYBOY FORUM (continued from page 67) 


how to present the best case possible and hundred well-armed police. A convincing 

where to get legal assistance. demonstration, I suppose, of U. S. tax dol 

June A. Willenz, Executive Director lars at work. My own feelings, watching 

American Ve committee this tragedy, were nausea, indignation 

Washington, D.C. and а sense that civilization, as I under- 
stand it, is collapsing 


ans 


THE САЦЕҮ CASE Roger T. Baer 
I find it unbelievable that the Govern- Felton, California 

ment is taking such a forgiving attitude 

toward convicted murderer Lieutenant The brutal gun fight in Los Angeles 


rs that Calley between police and the Symbionese Lib- 


al treatment be- eration Army has evoked some sympa 


William Calley. It арр 
has been receiving spe 
cause in the eyes of the Nixon Adminis- thy for the S.L.A. It 
tration he was just an American boy in died for what they believed in: equality, 
uniform doing his duty. Apparently the justice, ecology and what not. That got 
Nixon Administration condones murder, me to thinking. І personally am deeply 
as long as its not Americans being committed to truth, science and the 


said these people 


murdered. growth of knowle To further these 


Grant Matthews ends, I think I will procure some ma 
Colorado Springs, Colorado chine guns, build some bombs, murder 


Considering how long the Administra: an educ 


kidnap a few people, rob 
tion avoided action on Kent State, it а bank and then exit this world in a hail 
seems some Americans are fair game, too. of police bullets. Then it can be said I 


died for what I believed in. 

THE FALL OF THE S.L.A. Lee Freese 
On Friday, May 17, a public execution Pullman, Washington 

was held in Los Angeles, California, 

Through the miracle of television, mil- FREE SPEECH IN ACADEME 

ns were able to safely Dr. William В. Shockley (The Playboy 


view the massacre 


lions of Ameri 


Mf six members of the Forum, April) is not the only one whose 


Symbionese Liberation Army by several appearances on college campuses have 


“And this attachment is for 
when hubby's out of town.” 


been marred by efforts to prevent him 
from speaking. Professor Edward С. Ban- 
field—who has advanced the thesis that 
it is the culture of the lower cl: 
discrimination, that keeps minoriti 
from progresing—was physically at 
tacked by members of the Students for a 
Democratic Society when he tried to 
speak at the University of Chicag 
March. In May, the university's student 
government imp 


мі 


six-month suspen 


sion on the ог 
action, Those who would keep any id 
from being expressed at a university are 
not students, nor are they democratic, nor 
are they fit members of society 
E. Carter 
Indianapolis, Indiana 


anization. 1 applaud th 


THE NAME OF THE GAME 

What sort of man do we need on our 
nso Martinez of De- 
troit doesn't qualify, even though he was 


police forces? Al 


recommended for a heroism citation for 
rescuing a man from a burning building 
while he was a police cadet, Martinez, 
according to the San Francisca Chroni 
ele, rushed through heavy smoke and in 
tense flames to save the man, and later 
his police supervisor described him 
“good, hard-working and sharp k 
However, after Martinez’ cadet training 


he was refused a place on the regular 
force. Why? Because he smoked 
five or ten times (and sampled a few 
other drugs) as a teenager. And how 
did the police learn this? Martinez was 
honest enough to admit it during an 
interview 

I don't believe a few adolescent indis 
cretions should keep а brave man off the 
police force. Martinez’ real crime, it 
seems to me, is that he hasn't learned to 
play the game necessary to becomin; 
public servant in the United States: 
hypocrisy 


Dan Bradford 
Palo Alto, California 


BOLSHEVIK SLOGAN 
In the May Playboy Forum, Liewen 
ant Carl H. Inglin writes: “As the Bol 
sheviks demonstrated in 1917, it’s the 
simple mottoes like "Реасе, bre 
dom,’ that gain supporters insted 
more complicated proposals that require 
thought and hard work.” I can't let this 
go unchallenged. The motto of the Bol 
sheviks was not some mindless ideology 
that Lenin and the guys dreamed up 
to overthrow the Russian government 
Rather, to millions of 1: 
and war-weary pe 
sensible thing heard from any political 
group in a long time. 
Clifton Lee Powell 
Portland, Oregon 


free 


dless, starving 


mts it was the only 


WRITING IN PRISON 

I would like to thank the Play 
boy Foundation for its support of the 
Writers in Prison Committee of P.E.N., 


the al writers’ organization. 
You might also be interested to learn 
that Р.Е.Х. has started a program called 
Write an informal correspondence 
course, to help writers and aspiring au 


thors who are 
ated 


several months 
personal benefit from it, as I'm sure oth 
fully appreciate the 
impact of such a program on morale and 
the rehabilitative process only by know 
ing how very difficult it is for a prisoner 
writing before the public 
Suoud's many manuscripts 


ers have 


to get 
Birdman” 
were locked in the files for уе: 
they were finally rel 


in prison. I am incarcer 
Leavenworth and have 
involved in the Write On pr 
I've gained tremendous 


Guy Cowart 


LAISSEZ FAIRE FOR DRUGS 


I find it difficult to accept Sanford Р 
Cohen's premise that the number of both 
drug-related crimes and new drug addicts 
will be 
possession and sale of 


Playboy Forum. 


rather than sold in unlimited quantities, 
there will be a high-priced black market 
Few people can be addicts and hold 
jobs. so the addicts will still need money 
and will still turn to crime 


decreased by the 


June). И hard drugs are 
legalized. they will still be expensive. and 
since they would probably be regulated 


ım for 


s before 
sed by court order 


avenworth, Kansas 


legalization of 
1 drugs (The 


Furthermore 


even if the price of drugs comes down, antidrug campaign is that people must 
many drug users would act as enthusias- be protected from allegedly dangerous 
tic proselytizers for their habit and try to drugs. Now that argument seems more 


hook nonusers. 


idiotic than ever. ‘The drug cops are act 


If hard drugs are legitimized, this move ing to ensure that drag users will hurt 


will also take the pressure off the drug 


addict to stay out of jail by seekiv 


rehabilitation, 


“THAT'S TOUGH” 


id B. Klos 
Rochester, New York 


themselves more than they would be 
likely to do if they could check what 
they were buying 

I am convinced that future genera 
tions will look back on this war on drugs 
with the sime horror that we look back 
on the wars on witches and heretics, All 
are really wars against people with dif 


That the Nixon Administration's sœ ferent values than the governing class 
called war оп drugs is really a war on Ve ЧЫЛ 
people has been remarked by many crit Leon (Animales: EA 


ies, but it 


is now 


more 


evident 


than 


ever, New regulations issued by the U.S. THE PIED PIPER 
Drug Enforcement Administration for After reading Joanna Leary’s letter in 
bid drug-analysis laboratories to disclose (е June Playboy Forum, 1 mused on the 
quantitative data on drag samples sub- fact that a good con man can always find 
mitted anonymously, It is still posible someone to spring to his defense. Having 


for purc 


what 


they 


buying 


asers of street drugs to find out guaranteed by his own actions that he 


but not how will spend most. or all, of the rest of his 


strong or how pure the drug is. Spokes. life in prison, Timothy Leary now de 


men for the labs say many people have mands that we tear down all our prisons 


quit 


using the services altogether 


and just so he won't have to suffer for his 


thus have no way of checking the drugs crimes, This is the man who influenced 


they get 


icle as follows: 
illicitly) is getting 
reason to tell him. 


uncisco Sunday Examiner è 


caveat emptor 


If a guy (buyi 


that’s tor 


\ DEA official explained to the countless young pe 
Chron- that ruined the lives of many and killed 
drugs more than a few. In 1971, this man 
a screwing, there's no wrote that revolutionaries should “esca 
My reaction is late the violence start hijacking 


The whole excuse for the purita 


ple to take drugs 


planes kidnap prominent sporis 


nial figures and television and Hollywood 


Where 


n? 


REACTS 


Card — Page 


57. 


243 


PLAYBOY 


244 


people.” The Symbionese Liberation 
Army and other terrorists have been ful- 
filling that exhortation. Lately I've read 
that in an effort to be released on bail he 
told a court that he would never “under 
any circumstances advocate the use of 
LSD or any drug again,” and, “I am total- 
ly rehabilitated and I'm ready to resume 
а social and productive life.” No dice, 
said the judge, so Timothy Leary must 
remain in jail, The damage is done. A 
whole generation has been led astray. 
ow the Pied Piper must be paid. 
Douglas McDonald 
Houston, Texas 


LEARY’S CRIMES 

I read with sympathy the lener from 
Joanna Leary їп the June Playboy 
Forum and the sketch of Timothy Leary 
in prison in the After Hours section of 
the same issue. It has always seemed to 
me that Timothy Leary is in jail for his 
ideas, in direct violation of everything 
this country is supposed to stand for. 
When he was charged with possesion of 
less than an ounce of pot in California 
in 1970, the judge called him a “pleas 
uresecking, irresponsible, Madison Ауе 
nue advocate of the free use of drugs” 
and refused to set 1 
doubt in my mind that his severe sen 
tences and the Government's round-the 
world pursuit of him after his escupe 
we 
of his allegedly dangerous opinions. 

However, 1 have not been so sure 
about defending this man since I read a 
newspaper column by John Chamber 
lain. According to Chamberlain, Leary 
incorporated the Brotherhood of Eternal 
1 
engaged in extensive smuggling and 
forgery of passports, If Leary really master- 
minded an international criminal opera 
tion of this sort, he is a crook and belongs 
in jail. 

When is Leary coming to trial on 
these ch I am concerned to learn if 
the evidence will prove him guilty or 
innocent. 


il. There was no 


all provoked by hatred and fear 


in 1966, a group that hay since 


James Martin 
Evanston, Hlinois 
The John Chamberlain column you 


refer to contains sentences like “Timo 
thy Leary, dearie, was not weary in 
attempted welldoing.” Anyone who 
writes like that must be read with suspi 
cion, That column appeared two months 
after all charges against Leavy in the 
Brotherhood of Eternal Love case were 
dropped, following an extensive nine- 
month investigation by the grand jury 
of Orange County, California. Leary 
did not incorporate the Brotherhood of 
Eternal Love, he is not listed in the 


organization's articles of incorporation as 
an officer and he was not linked in any 
way with the alleged criminal activities of 
the group. Chamberlain's column didn't 
actually say that Leary was criminally 


ШИ 


1 in this operation, though it 
managed to give that impression, It only 
stated (incorrectly) that Leary created 
and incorporated the group 


THE VOICE OF EXPERIENCE 

Nathan Kaufman's challenge to “ask 
rehabilitated drug users why they will 
never touch ju sin (The 
Playboy Forum, April) is nothing but 
hysterical, uninformed babbling. 1 am 
one of those rehabilitated drug users 
and, while I'm no authority, I know a 
lot more about drugs than Kaufman 
does. І have experimented with nearly 
every drug to hit the street, including 
smack, speed, weed, downers and the rest, 
and I can't see that one led to my addic 
tion any more than another, What did 
lead to it were my own weakness and 
inability to handle the drug scene 

I'm not writing to confess my sins but 
to say that I enjoyed pot both before 
and after being addicted to harder stuft 
I haven't touched heroin for six years 
but I still have an occasional joint, as 
do some of my companions who used to 
be very heavily addicted to heroin 

Kaufman's “realistic slant on drugs” is 
either gross ignorance or the hype of 
someone who still can't face his own 
frailty. Until someone has lived with 
drugs, I'm not interested in his theories 

(Name withheld by request) 
Eugene, Oregon 


THE REAL MARIJUANA ISSUE 

The debate about whether or not mari 
juana is harmful goes on, but these sci 
entific arguments, while important, aren't 
the real issue. After ma 
serving politics, 1 have concluded that 
't help us settle questions of 


у years of ob 


science с: 
public policy. Such questions involve 
ultimate values, which each of us arrives 
at intuitively, without much help from 


ıd science. In the сазе mari- 


апа, the ultimatevalue question in 
volved is: Which is more important, the 
Governmemn’s right to regulate what 
citizens do to thelr minds and bodies, ot 
the freedom of the individual to lead his 
own life in his own way? И one really be 
lieves in individual freedom, the questio! 
of marijuana’s harmfulness is secondary 


and we see that it is just as wrong to 
outlaw pot as it would be to make 
criminals of people who drink liquor 
e tobacco. 


‹ 


or smc 


REGULATING VITAMINS 

The Food and Drug Administ 
has made high-dosage forms of vi 
\ and D prescription items and, 
end of 1974, it will begin classifyin, 
s of other vitamins as dr 


dose gs. This ob 
viously will raise the price of vitamins 
and it also raises the possibility that even- 


tually people will be permitted to con- 


official Government doc 
people have been helped immeasurably 
by vitamins; in fact, 1 couldn't function 
well without them. Is there no end to the 
lengths to which Government officials 
will go to control the details of our live 
Robert Simon 
Bridgeport, Connecticut 


PUSHING DRUGS TO KIDS 

Our society may be reaching the point 
where the group most responsible for 
pushing drugs to children is the educa- 
tional bureaucracy. This | ut 
after the discovery (or invention) of a 
disease called minimal brain dysfunc- 
tion, or M.B.D. for short. Children with 
this condition act bored or unruly, and 
a naive observer might think that the 
ucational system has made them that 
way. Not so, say the exponents of the 
M.B.D. mystique; these kids have brain 
damage so slight it cannot be detected, 
and various drugs, especially the anti 
depressant Ritalin, will make them as 
good as new. So, drugs are being admin- 
istered to approximately 300,000 children 
across the country, even though the Fed 
eral Drug Administration has declared 
some of these drugs to be hazardous. 

Many doctors do not believe that 
M.B.D. actually exists. Lawrence М 
Greenberg, M.D.. of the University of 
California, points out that “there is no 
objective, reliable finding of brain dam 
age” in any of these cases; Profesor 
Henry L. Lennard, of Ca 
of medicine, adds that ev 
a disease is “completely unreliable 
Child psychiatrists in Scandinavian 
countries and Great Britain have told 
me that they rarely see children they 


5 come а 


's department 


lence of such 


would diagnose as . . . suffering from 
M.B.D and have serious problems 
understanding Ameri 
the extent of the problem.” 

Charles McCabe, a columnist for the 
San Fra 
“M.B.D, is just а name for a nonmedical 
ely. that our 
orita 


n insistence on 


cisco Chronicle. has 


rgued that 


educational problem.” n: 


п and 


schools are so boring, au 
pointless that many children in them are 
inevitably unruly, restless or disturbed. 

We are drifting closer every year to а 
true medicopsychiatric totalitarianism. It 
gency civil rights leg 
lation protecting all individuals from 
being subjected to mind-altering chemi 
cals without informed consent 


R. Hopkins 
St. Louis, Missouri 


is time to pass eme 


“The Playboy Forum” offers the 
opportunity for an extended dialog be 
tween readers and editors of this pub. 
lication on subjects and issues related to 
“The Playboy Philosophy.” Address all 
correspondence to The Playboy Forum, 
Playboy Building. 919 North Michi 
gan Avenue, Chicago, Ilinois 60611 


“Get lost!” 


245 


PLAYBOY 


246 


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AL GOLDSTEIN, THE IRREPRESSIBLE GURU OF SCREW MAGA: 
ZINE, SPEWS EXACTLY THE SORT OF FILTH AND SMUT YOU'D 
EXPECT—IN A RAUNCHY PLAYBOY INTERVIEW 


“SUPERFLASH"’—WHEN YOU HANG AROUND WITH SYLVESTER 
STEWART, BETTER KNOWN AS SLY STONE, GETTING THERE IS 
MORE THAN HALF THE FUN—BY JOHN GRISSIM 


“IN RUSSIAN, ‘TO BE SILENT’ IS AN ACTIVE VERB”—THE 
AUTHOR TAKES A POST-SOLZHENITSYN TRIP TO MOSCOW, WHERE 
PARANOIDS ARE PROPHETS—BY HERBERT GOLD 


“THE SOUTH'’—PROSE POEMS FROM THE PEN OF THE 
REGION'S FOREMOST BARD—BY JAMES DICKEY 


“OL’ A. J.""—THE VERY BEST RACE DRIVER GOING IS A. J. FOYT 
IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT, JUST ASK HIM, OR READ THIS INTRI 
GUING PROFILE—BY WILLIAM NEELY 


“BUNNIES OF 1974”—ТЕМ PAGES OF THE PRETTIEST FACES 
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“THE SATURDAY-NIGHT FOLLIES’—RIVAL TV WRITERS 
SHOW-SWAP, AS MARY LETS IT ALL HANG OUT WHILE THE DEVIL 
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“THREE-PART HARMONY"’—WHAT'S A SON TO DO WHEN HE 
NEEDS TO ESCAPE A DOMINEERING MOMMA? FIND A NICE GIRL 


OR TWO, A YARN WITH A TWIST 


BY STEPHEN MINOT 


“*LEPKE’S’ LADY”—A PICTORIAL VISIT WITH MARY WILCOX, 
WHO BEAUTIFIES TONY CURTIS’ NEW GANGSTER MOVIE 


“AT LARGE IN THE LAND OF THE TOOTH BANDIT’—YOU 
WOULDN'T BELIEVE THE THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO JAPANESE 
TOURISTS IN GOLDEN GATE PARK—BY REG POTTERTON 


“THE LIGHT IN THE COTTAGE”—THE HOUSE WAS HAUNTED 
BY A MISCARRIAGE OF INJUSTICE—BY DAVID ELY 


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FOLKS, AND VOTE FOR YOUR FAVORITE MUSICIANS 


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