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7 
ENTERTAINMENT FOR MEN 


DECEMBER 1975 • $1.75 


HOWARD HUGHES IN THE FLESH! (AN INCREDIBLE EYEWITNESS REPORT). 
SEX STARS OF 1975 + BATTLE OF THE SUPERJOCKS • PLAYBOY'S NEW 
MUSIC POLL • THE SECRET WORLD OF CODE BREAKERS • THE BEST PLACES `; 
TO SKI AND SHE * AND A PLAYMATE TO SHAKE THE BALLS OFF YOUR TREE! : / 


Tigress. | 
Because men are such animals. 


Tigress perfume, Tigress cologne, new Tigress Musk and other wild life occessories.Tigress?—ot fine look 


[^ The Triumph TR7' strong suit is comfort; the cockpit is spacious (wider than either a Corvette's or a Z-car's) 
ond the driving position is exceptionally good. 99 

[7 The padded steering wheel almost entirely blocks the instruments in a Porsche Carrera, but every dial 
is visible in the Triumph TR7. The illuminated instruments reflect in the windshield of the Mercedes 450SL and 


SLC at night, but there are no unwanted reflections in the Triumph TR7. 9¥ PATEK UEDARO: en EDITOR, CAR AND DRIVER, АРИП 


Ék Devices like the Ferrari Dino 246 excepted, the cockpit of the TR7 is one of the most comfortable two-seaters 
we have experienced. After you have adjusted things to fit your particular form, you don't climb into the TR7, 


you wear it. 99 
ÉÉ The result is a ride that is surprising in its gentleness coupled with handling that is on a par with nearly anything 


of its type save the works of Messers Chapman, Ferrari and, in some instances, Porsche. JJ JOHN CHRISTY, EDITOI 
MOTOR TREND, AUGUST ‘75 


ЌЕ The most important new British sports car in 14 years. 99 
PAUL FRERE & RON WAKEFIELD, 
EDITORS, ROAD & TRACK, APRIL '75 


FOR THE NAME OF YOUR NEAREST 
TRIUMPH DEALER CALL: 7-4700. 
IN ILLINOIS CALL: 800-322-4400. 
BRITISH LEYLAND MOTORS INC 
LEONIA, М.) 07605 


„and now 


Cutty. 


ime to give 


165 6 


PLAYBILL 


, irs virtually 


is month's Playboy Intervie 
he words of a dead ma 


Jimmy Нова 


disappe 


nil killed. Jerry Stanecki, an investigative re- 
ion and the ABC radio net- 
intensive conversations with Hoffa 

The List time they spoke was about а month 
before the form msters chief disappeared, and Sranecki 
never got the chance to get back ло him with follow-up que» 
tions. But what he did get Hoffa lo talk 
organized crime and the possibility of be 
10 make you shiver. To update the story. 
broken of the developments in the Hoffa c 
has augmented his imerview with “I Gets Dark E 
a reporter's sketches of the madness that surrounded the search 
lor the missing Hoffa. 

Were shedding some light on another mystery, too. Howard 
Hughes, everybody's favorite eccentric hermit, has been caught 
with his pants down—literally—in Ron Kister's hilarious 7 
Caught Flies for Howard Hughes. Kistler, who signed on 
driver aud bodys: e Fifties, spe 
with the though most of the “gu 
did was against bugs and germs as Hughes spent monihs inside a 
bungalow. sitting nude, as he watched movies. Not because we 
doubted his story but because we remembered Clifford Irving's 
caper, we asked Kistler to take a polygraph test; he came through 
with lying colors. By the way, there's going to be a book-length 
version of Kistlers adventures in the Hughes empire published 
by Playboy Pres next spring 

tee Falk—author of the sc 
best kunt 


STANECKI 


ard in ihe lı 


is 
FORSY TIL HUNTER 


nce-ficiional Time Is Money—is 
т ol Iwo comic strips. Mandrake the 
Magician and The Phantom. which are read daily by about 
100.000.000. people in some 40 languages. Falk's story. which 
is our lead fiction this nth, has been illustrated. by Fred 
Fredericks, who limns the adventures of Mandrake. 
The TV film rights to Frederick Forsyth’s The Shepherd 
been bought by Sir Lew Grade, the British impresario. FREDERICKS 
L have ro tell you why after you read this 4 Ам 
spooky tale of a lost R.A.F. pilot, We're also sure you'll enje 
Skin Flick, about three rascals trying to make a 
ovie, AL presstime, Hunter was taking 
nd, from a major project—a. multi- 
the West and already slated for both 


n as the стел! 


a k in 
generational novel sci 
d TV production 

ny of us. Ken Keseys One Flew Quer the Cuckoo's 
Nest—the story of a forlorn collection of mental patients in a 
state-run Or m—was one of the most important books 
of the you just didn't want them to fuck 
up on the silver screen. But now somebody was trymg—maybe. 
We were 100 curious 10 wait for the movie. so we asked Grover 
Lewis 10 go check it out for ws while it was being shot in a 
genuine staterun. Oregon bedlam. In. Who's the Bull Goose 
Loony Here? Lewis conducts a guided tour of the crazy bins, on 


LEWIS 


film and oll. Hes had a lot of experience at this sort of thing, 
written many profiles lor Rolling Stone, among, others: 
but this time it gor just as strange as he'll need for a while. So 


now he's recuperating in his sane lule home town in Uta 

Let's not lorget, now, that this is the holiday se: vd 
it's OK to have all the fun vou nt. You'll surely have some 
ul the latest Playboy's Christmas Cards tom our 
resident comic poet, Judith Мах, or Ducling Jocks brought 
together by superfan Wiliam Neely, in which top athletes rap 
bout what its like to compete with each other. And you 
better be in good health 10 check out Peep Show, an out- 
cously sexy pictorial contributed by Chicago photographer 


wh 


п you т 


Robert Keeling, his Swiss born pariner, Frangois Robert, and the 


NATACHA, ROBERT, KEELING 


PLAYBOY 


RAN 


SCAVULLO 


Top:ARSENAULT, MOSES, FRANTZ Bot. 


in 6 


HOPE MAS 


T's will 
photo sty ot to me 
uninhibited models.) 
Edward Abbey is in love with the wilderness. He lives in it 
has been a fire lookout in Glacier National Park and he's always 
writing about the bad guys trying to despoil the land. and 
the good guys trying to slop them—like the heroes of The 
Monkey Wrench Gang. his novel just published by Lippincott 
about a gang of ecological commandos who waste bridges and 
what not. The Second Rape of the West is Abbey's alltoo- 
factual account of how people are still digging up and other- 
wise т 
artist Martin Hoffman, proves tha 
Westemer to get the mesage 
Speaking of messages. don't miss The Code Battle. by David 
Kahn, а scholarly fellow—he's an associate prof of journalism 
at NYU—and a modest one (he claims he can't even decipher 
his bank statements). We know. however, thar he's one of 
the world’s top authorities on codes and military intelligence. 
Also experts in their fells ave Morten Lond, л contributing 
editor 10 Ski magazine, who put together Playboy's Winter 
Guide to the Very Best in Skiing, and Karl Ludvigsea—he has 
associated with both Car and Driver and Motor Tre 
bout in 


la most accomplished 
trío of comple 


ing the landscape; the illustration, by New York 


you don't have to be a 


bee 
who gives а 
Jaguar's Big 


mobile aficionados som 
ew Cat. 
Te Jugs sho 


thing to purr 


at it’s а visibly gross 
ody of a certain book have heen growing 
II kinds of money. Author Robert Billings, а former newspaper- 
man who's now Ire ms that his rale—about. a 
creature. that smothers its prey instead of teari 
‘came to me whole. as if I were drowning,” (If you think Jugs is 
| wait till Billings finishes the book he has 
of the Democratic Party in Cook County—which 
ughing—from Pssst! 
icks contributed by our 


Feelthy Five-Liw a dirty dozen lime 
Party Jokes Editor, J. Р. O'Connor. 

‘The photographs of Francesca Seovullo arc always in vogue. 
In fact. not only in Vogue but in Cosmopolitan, too. He has 
blessed us with the visual side of Robert L. Green's Four-Star Pro- 
duction, starring some famous models. That's but one visual 
meat in an issue that includes a pictorial preview of the film ver- 
sion of Story of О: the 12 pages of photos that accompany Arthur 
Knight's Sex Stars of 1973; holiday-sized Ribald Classic illustra- 
tions, by Bred Holland (who. besides giving us those wonde ful 
pictures every month, also draws Гога host of other public 
National Lampoon to The New York 


imes); 


our annual g 
our Decemb 
Nancie Li Brane 

Also on hand is your ballot for the 1976 Playboy Music 
Poll. a newly evolved descendant of our Jazz & Pop Poll. 

And do we need to explain a splendid seven pages called 
National Pornographic? Ol comse not. We hope you like our 
1 institution that has provided three ge 
boys with their first look at naked. female Mesh, 
c of geography—and left many of them with the 
that when naked women are all colors but. white. they wear 
bones in their noses Ah. science! Co-honchos and Certified 
Hard Breathers on the project were Assistant Articles Editor 
David Standish and Stall Writer Laurence Gonzates—with lots of 
help from Research Editor Тот Possavent (who found the 
bugs for us). Associate Art Director Kerig Pope (design). Chief 
Stylist Janice Moses (v cloths, stone hatches, cold beer) 
and Stall Photographer Bill Arsenault and. Associate Photographes 
Bill Frantz (motorized Nikons). Ass Managing Editor Barry 
Golson was in on the act, too, and if you look cosel 
Associate Editor Corl Snyder as Musk, a regulation Stone Age 
native. We found the Brazilian jungle in a southern Michig: 
woods, and the shoot more like summer camp for per 
verts than thing resembling work. How we sacrifice for you. 


salute to 


pression 


‚ you'll see 


PLAYBOY, DECEMBER. 1975, VOLUME 22, NUMBER 11 ғи 


AGO, LL, AND AT ADDITIONAL WATLING 


SHED MONTHLY вт PLAYBOY. 1N NATIONAL ANI 
FACES. suas 


о REGIONAL EDITIONS. PLAYBOY BUILDING 414% MICHIGAN AVE... CNICACO, (LL, E0611 SECOND.CLASS POST- 


Аво Miren STATES si) TOY ONE YEAR. POSTMASTER: SEND FORN 3578 TO PLAYBOY, Р. O. BOX 2420, BOULDER, COLO. 0302 


Regular: 17 mg. "tar," 1.3 mg. nicotine; 
Menthol: 18 mg. tar.” 13 mg.nicotine 
«y. par cigarette by FTC Method. 


The maximum 
120mm cigarette. 


A lot longer than 100's. Yet, not a 
penny extra for all those extra puffs. 


Great tobaccos. Terrific taste. 


Anda long, lean, 
all-white dynamite look. 


“How can anything so 
nifty be so thrifty?” 


vol. 22, no. 12—december, 1975 


PLAYBOY. 


CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE 


PLAYBILL.. 3 
DEAR PLAYBOY... 13 
PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS. 2 
PEOPLE... 22 
RECORDINGS... 26 
BOOKS... 32 
سلدنا‎ DINING-DRINKING ... 36 
MOVIES. а = 136 
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR.. ^ 53 
THE PLAYBOY FORUM... 59 
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: JIMMY HOFFA—candid conversation 73 
"IT GETS DARK EVERY NIGHT’ —article -JERRY ЅТАМЕСКІ 97 


TIME IS MONEY— LEE FAIK 102 


PLAYBOY'S GUIDE TO SKIING—modern „MORTEN LUND 105 


EMANUEL GREENBERG 248 
EVAN HUNTER 111 


THAWING OUT—drink.... 


SKIN FLICK—fiction. 


PEEP SHOW—pictori s 113 


WHO'S THE BULL GOOSE LOONY HERE?—article. „GROVER LEWIS 123 


JUDITH WAX 124 


PLAYBOY'S CHRISTMAS CARDS—verse__ 


STORY OF O—pictorial._ 


THE CODE BATTLE~article.... DAVID KAHN 132 


THE SECOND RAPE OF THE WEST—rticl EDWARD ABBEY 138 


LADY LUCK—playboy’s playmate of the month. 


PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES—humor.... 


DUELING JOCKS—sponts.... —— WILLIAM. NEELY 154 


JUGS—parody н ROBERT BIIIINGS 157 


PLAYBOY'S CHRISTMAS GIFT GUIDE— gifis. d 159 


1 CAUGHT FUES FOR HOWARD HUGHES—article. RON KISTIER 165 


FOUR-STAR PRODUCTION—ottire. ROBERT L. GREEN 170 
~} F, O'CONNOR 172 


-KARL LUDVIGSEN 174 


PSSST! FEELTHY FIVE-LINERS?—humor. .... 


JAGUAR'S BIG NEW CAT—modern living.. 


SEX STARS OF 1975—article.... ARTHUR KNIGHT 178 


THE LOVES OF HERO AND LEANDER—ribald classi 


DR. JAMES SMITH 192 


THE 1976 PLAYBOY MUSIC POLL—music.. 


WELCOMING WINTER—attire._ 


THE SHEPHERD—fiction 
NATIONAL PORNOGRAPHIC—parody . 


PLAYBOY POTPOURRI... 


.. CHICAGO. ILLINOIS коми. RETURN POSTAGE MUST ACCOMPANY ALL MANUS-RIPIS. DRAWINGS AND PHOTOGMAPNS SUS 
тү CAN BE ASSUMED FOR UNSOLICITED WATERIALS. ALL RIGHTS IN LETTERS SENI TO PLAYBOY WILL DE TREATED AS URCORDL. 
ALLY ASSIGNED FOR PUBLICATION AND COPYRIGHT PURPOSES AND AS SUBJECT TO PLAYSCY'S UNRESTRICTED MIGHT TO ELIT AND TO COMMENT EDITORALLY, CONTENTS cOPTAYCHT © 1974 
LAYHOT. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. PLAYBOY ANC тайт HEAD SYMBOL ARE MARKS OF PLATROY, REGISTERED U.3. PATENT OFFICE, MARCA REGISTRADA, MARGUE DEPCSEE. NOTHING 
Bt REPRINTED IN WHOLE OR IM FART WITHOUT WRITTEN PERMISSION FROM THE PUBLISHER ANY SIMILARITY BETWEEN THE PEOPLE AND PLACES IM THE FICTION AND SEMIFICTION 
їн THIS MAGAZINE AND ANY REAL PEOPLE AND PLACES 15 PURELY COINCIDENTAL CREOITS: COVER: FLIYHATE/MODEL LILLIAN BULLER, DESIGNED BY KERIS POPE, PHOTOGRAPHY 
Dv RICHARD SHAETER. OTHER PHOTOGRAPHY SY. BILL ARSEWAMLT, p. 307, CHARLES W. эшм. P. з, 108, JUSTIN CAINE, P. в MARID CASILLA, P- 179, 10%: DAVID CHAN 

ымен: ICHAEL CHILDERS /SYGMA, P. 108i ALAN CLIFTON. P. 3) BATMOND DEPAAOON GAMMA, P. ICN: RICHARD TESLY, P. M, WBE (2). 107 (2). VEE (2); PILL FRANTZ. F 
CHRISTOPHER LITTLE/CANENA з, P а; KLAUS LUCKA. P, 179. 100) KEN MARCUS. Р. 86; WARY ELLEN MARK / LEE GROSS. т. ша. JOHN MCCORMICK, P. э; EDWARD MILLER 
T, 24425. 189: MORGAN RENARD. P. 190, STEVE SCHAPINO, P. 078, 150 (2), 188) т. SCOTT. P 3, SUZANNE SEED, г, 4 (1). EVA SERUNY, P. 102: EVA SERLMY /SYGMA, Р. M. PETER 
SORDER ILLUSTRATION, P. 207. SEYMOUR FLEISHMAN: SPALESHIP CONSTRUCTION, P. 209, BILL WELE. P. 174-175, WOMEN S CLOTHES FROM KAUFMAN SURPLUS, INC, NEW YORE 


Introducing the 
new Dodge Charger. 


Once you've taken a look at a 1976 
Charger, you won't have eyes for any- 
thing else. Unless, of course, it's another 
"76 Charger. 

Because this year, when you've seen 
one Charger, you haven't seen them all. 

Now there are four Chargers. Theres 


Charger Daytona, Charger SE, Charger 
Sport, and Charger—a car you can get 
hooked on for under $4,000? 
So go see your Dodge dealer. We'll bet 
you'll drive away in a brand-new Charger. 
Because once you've looked, you're 
hooked! 


Once youve looked, 
youre hooked. 


"76 Charger Daytona. Featuring two-tone paint, rg] 
D | 


&love-soft bucket seats, radial tires, automatic 
transmission, power Steering, power front disc | Dodge | 
brakes, 318-cubic-inch V8 engine all standard. 


*Manufacturers suggesiede(ail price for a 1976 Chargér (not shown“ 
R exeluding state and local taxes, destination charge. and'optional equipment 


c 


‘MOTORS CORPORATION 


PLAYBOY 


You can watch 
the day drift by 
with Minolta. 


The stillness of that special moment 
can last forever when you capture it witha 
camera that responds to your mood. 

You're comfortable with a Minolta 
SR-T from the moment you pick it up. This 
is the 35mm reflex camera that lets you 
concentrate on the picture, because the 
viewfinder shows all the information needed 
for correct exposure and focusing. You 
never have to look away from the finder to 
adjust a Minolta SR-T, so you're ready to 
catch the one photograph that could never 
be taken again. 

And when subjects call for a different 
perspective, Minolta SR-T cameras accept a 
complete system of interchangeable 
lenses, from “fisheye” wide angle to super- 
telephoto. 

For many happy returns of the day, 
try а Minolta SR-T. For more information, 
See your photo dealer or write Minolta 
Corporation, 101 
Williams Drive, 
Ramsey, New Jersey 
07446. In Canada: 
Anglophoto Ltd., Р.О. 


scat Peas -a 


More camera for your money. 


PLAYBOY 


HUGH M. HEFNER 
editor and publisher 


ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director 
ARTHUR PAUL art director 
SHELDON WAX managing edilor 
JAMES GOODE executive editor 
MARK KAUFFMAN photography editor 
©. BARRY COLSON assistant managing editor 


EDITORIAL 

ARTICLES: GEOFFREY NORMAN edilor, DAVID 
STANDISH assistant editor = FICTION: ROME 
MAC x editor, VICTORIA € HAIDER, 
WALTER SUBLETTE assistant editors » SERVICE 
FEATURES: tom OWEN modern living editor, 

; конт 1. 
Jashion 
editor: TOMAS млшо food & drink editor 
CARTOONS: MICHELLE URRY editor « COPY: 
ARLENE ROURAS editor, STAN AMBER assistant 
ediloy « STAFF: GRETCHEN MC NEESE, RORERT 
SHEA, DAVID STEV 5; LAURENCE 
GONZALES мај] wriler; DOUGLAS C. BENSON, 
JOUN BLUMENTHAL, WILLIAM. J. HELMER, CARL 
тшд SNYDER associate editors; J. к. O'CON- 
NOR, JAMES R, PETERSEN assistant editors: SUSAN 
HESIR, MARIA NERAM, BARBARA SELL 
PABDERUD, TOM PASSAVANT researc 
DAVID BUTLER, MURRAY FISHER, NAT 
ANSON MOUNT, RICHARD RHODES, RAY 
JEAN SürPHERD, ROBERT SHERRILL, BRUCE Wi 
LAMSON (movies), Јону sow contribut- 
ing editors + ADMINISTRATIVE SERVICES: 
PATRICIA rArANGELIS administrative editor; 
nose JENNINGS righis & permissions manager; 
MILDRED ZIMMERMAN administrative assistant 


ART 


том STAERLER, KER associate directors; 
BOR FOST, KOY MOODY, LEN WILLIS, CHET SUSK 
GORDON MORTENSEN, NORM SCHAFFER, JOSI 
TACEK assistant directors; JULE FILER 
масток HUBHARD, GLENN STEWARD art assistants; 
EVE HECK MANN. administrative assistant 


PHOTOGRAPHY: 

MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast. editor; GARY 
COLE senior editur; полаз WAYNE asociate 
editor; ROL. ARSEXAULT, DAVID CHAN, RICHARD 
TEGLEY, DWIGHT HOOKER, POMPEO POSAR staff 
photographers; вох AZUMA, WILL and MEL 
HECI. BRIAN D. MENNESSEY, ALENAS URNA CON- 
tributing photographers; зил. PRANTE asso- 
ciate photographer; Juvy JOHNSON assistant 
«ditor; tro. KkıreL Photo lab super 
JANICE BERKOWITZ. MOSES Chir] slylist: к 
vs administrative editar 


FRODUCTION 
Jons astro director; ALLEN VARGO man- 

WAGNER, RITA JOHNSON, 
RD QUARTAROLI assistants 


READER SERVICE 
CAROLE CRAIG director 


CIRCULATION 


є director of newsstand sales; 
жоц subscription manager 


ADVERTISING 
HOWARD w. LEDERER advertising di 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC. 

nonce s. Paruss business manager and 

associate. publisher; RICHARD. S. ROSENZWEIG 
tive assistant to the publisher; 
Kort assistant publisher 


Why your shirt doesn't fit. 
And why our shirt does. 


THE VANHEUSEN 


COMPANY; A 


Introducing Vanafit. 

Van Heusen's contemporary shaped shirt with 
unique side panels. 

It's made like no shirt has ever been made before. 
So it fits like no shirt has ever fit before. 


‘417 Vanafit Shirts by 
VAN HEUSEN' 


DIVISION OF THE PHILLIPS-VAN HEUSEN CORP, 


EVERYBODY WANTS 
TURKEY FOR THE 
HOLIDAYS 


Serve (and give) the very best for the 
holidays—the great 101-Proof Wild Turkey 
in a colorful holiday gift carton. 

The biggest celebration of the year rates 
the biggest Bourbon name of them all— 
Wild Turkey 101 (8 years old). 


You'll be ready for plenty of holiday visitors with the 
great Half-Gallon* of Wild Turkey. The bottle is 
beautifully embossed and handsomely sculptured 
101-Proof and 86.8-Proof in holiday gift carton. 


*Available where legal. 


Americas greatest native bird is commemorated in this 
special Bicentennial, limited edition, ceramic decanter 
(No. 5 ina series) containing 101-Proof Wild Turkey. 

^ Proposed as our national symbol by Benjamin Franklin 
T in 1776, the Wild Turkey has become the symbol of 

The new breed of Wild Turkey (86.8-Proof and Americas greatest native whiskey. Handsomely gift-boxed. 
7 years old) is also proudly dressed for the holidays 

—with the famous "Wild Turkey inthe Snow” 

scene onthe carton. AUSTIN. NICHOLS DISTILLING CO LAWRENCEBURG KENTUCKY 


©1975 R. J. Reynolds Tobacco Co. 


He searches for 
what most men do not even 
know exists. 
He smokes for pleasure. 
He gets it from the blend 
of Turkish and Domestic 
tobaccos in Camel Filters. 
Do you? 


Turkish and 
Domestic Blend 


Warning- The Surgeon General Has Determined 
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. 


DEAR PLAYBOY 


ЕЗ оила түзот MAGAZINE - PLAYBOY BUILDING, 919 н. MICHIGAN AVE.. CHICRGD, ILLINOIS coc 


DGING JONG 

Thank you for the fas p inter 
view with Erica Jong (г1лувоу, Scprem- 
ber). 1 found myself very much ne 
with her views on sexual maners. Jong 
cm provide a positive service to both 
males and females in our society by hav- 
uy re = waditional values and 
s The time ed for the 
frankness of an Er 


has a 


Jon: 
R. Scott Acton 


Pennsylvar 


пету prove 
t women should have in their 
the sexual tools of 


twisted 
1 her dir. she 
would probably scream. “You n 
Please confine your funne interviews to 
1. so that PLAYBOY readers сап derive 
i and nor the haphavard cone 
матек of rather obsolete and highly 
romantic feminine points of view 
Al Goldste 
Screw М: 
New York. 


view with me 


phoricil avi 
surely represents a jour 


seldom have I win 


hés. гос 
sophomoric philsophizing. Ah. but what 
may one reasonably expect from a lib 


crated himinary who dispe 
profundity. such as d 
ally terrific poet. 
to be able to come 
The muse saws. . 
in 
Perfectly | 
" whose subject 
lover а blow job just belor 
jevision.” 


ses pens of 


Howing? 


s supposed 
PE 


viewed on t 
propriate to crown the collection with a 
vapid title like Tunnel oj 
Wanting You. (Did you cuch the dual 
symbolism, class?) The truth of the mat- 
ter is that Jong is nothing but a self 
conscious dribbler for whom meter is 
you put coins imo to mo 
tickets. What fics il 


terviews with poets of genuine merit— 
Robert Graves (December 1970) and 
James Dickey (November 1973) come 10 


mind—and the contrast is almost painful 
Jongs writing is neither grateful nor 
Subtle nor anything other than hip in 
that counterculture kind. of idiom that 


musquerades as poetry. the woman 
herself comes across as an abysmally super 
ficial, posturing dilettante who appems to 
t but is never 


piter-dictu 
she is rapidly becom 
not in itself much of a recom 
ion. but it does constitute. a 
commentary on our times. Tighten 
your standards, gentlemen. 

Charles Nowak 
Yuma, Arizona 


Mier reading your interview with E 
Jong. 1 realize how appropriate your zip- 
les cover is. Undoubtedly. its designer 
Гот Staebler, had Hamlets advice to 
the Players in mind: “Suit the action to 
the word. the word to the action: with 
this special observance, that you o'erstep| 
not the modesty of nature.” А zipless 
fuck is a mindless fuck—and only а 


less fuck 


Your interview with Erica 
is though 1 werê missing an 
tionship by not 
1 опе of her friends who 
could be called in the middle of the night 
to talk about anything. 

Barbara A. Haj м.р, 

Salem, New Hampshire. 


А breath of fresh air flows through the 
musty canyon of the y world. You 
interview with Erica. Jong is beautifully 
trürhful—one of yo 


LEARY EYED 

Craig Veuers Bring Ме the Head of 
mothy Leary (PLAYBOY. September) is 
an interesting story. but I'm somewhat of 
fended by the titillation of the title, which 
would imply that Leary tor of some 
son. (Пага the tide taken. from an order 
given by some revolutionary leader. for 
ion of a former cohort?) In 
the long run. 1 don't think Leary’s per 
sonal adventures are аз important as his 
ideas and writen works. which attempt to 


the assassin: 


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The Technics SL-1500 has a lot 
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tag. It also has the Technics direct- 
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Typical of Technics direct-drive 
turntables, the SL-1500 has less than 
0.03% (WRMS) wow and flutter. 
Because, unlike conventional 
turntables, there are no belts or idlers 
to produce variations in speed. 

You won’t hear any rumble with 
the SL-1500 either because we've 
eliminated it to the point of 
inaudibility (-70dB DIN В). The 
reason: An electronically controlled 
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45 rpm. 

And for outstanding trackin 
that satisfies the requirements of 
the most critical audio engineers, 
there’sa E tone arm 
with a9 1/16" pivot to stylus length. 

You also pet viscous dam 
cueing. Variable pitch controls. An 
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of styli. Even a dust cover and built- 
in base are included. 

Soif you thought you couldn't 
afford a Technics direct-drive 
turntable, audition the SL-1500. No 
one else can beat its performance. 


At any Pace: 

lechnics receivers, tape decks, 
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PLAYBOY 


14 


formulate those ideas into words. He's un- 
doubtedly probed эм people don't 
ze exist and if he is able to give us 
maps and guidance through the perils of 


in Jail Notes, his best book) th: 
Baba, a coruball guru who diverted a lot 
of morons away Пот our psychedelic 
road show in the carly days. got the kind 
of followers he deserved. Tim was right 
about this rule and it applies to him also. 
e. It applies to me, It applies to 
Hefner and to anyone who ad- 
philosophy (using the term 
the broadest sense) and/or sets himself 
up as a model for others to follow. 1 
would add that everyone in the guru busi 
ness gets nor only the kinds of follow 
he deserves but also the kinds of allies 
5s he deserves. and Tim's gre 


superficiality. his superstitious credulity 
his Mephistuphetean conceits, his science 
fiction simplifications, his sentimen 
sloganeering, his phony egalitarianism, 
his evasion of every genuine philosophic 
distinction, his fawning — sycophaney 
towind every celebrity who might possibly 

m some good and his infantile god- 
dess/whore ambivalence toward. the fe 
male half of the human race are all 
general characteristics of the post-World 
War Two pop culture and perfectly suit- 
ed to the moral, ethical and intellectual 
standards of American journalism and 
publishing. Tim was just Nixon ^ 
inside out" There is virtually no phi 
sophic or moral difference berween them 
and the grand mythic function served by 
both was also the same—to “illustre 
human folly,” to use the fine phrase em- 
ployed by Lao-zu in а famous remark to 
Confucius 


Kleps, Chief Boo Hoo 
Neo- American Church 
orth Troy, Vermont 


Vener could have gotten д bet- 
Tim Lemy if he had talked 
to some of the prisoners or guards in the 
Nevada County J where, 
from J у to June of this year, Leary 
lived in a ten-man cell booked under the 
name Peter London, As а former cell- 
mate, 1 can tell you that Leary is the 
most alive, fu outfront guy you'd 
ever want 10 meet, Maybe that’s why they 
had to lock him up in the first place. 
After London became the champion of 
the handball league, he taught the guys 
a jailhouse version of baseball using a 
tennis ball that was faster and more dan- 
gcrous than jai alai. When a young pris- 
"d was on the 
g shipped out to a state 


oner started to flip out 


verge of get 


prison. London got the tank to case up 
nd saved the kid's ass. Then he got three 
guys out on modified sentences by w 
letters t0 the judge. He wrote а 30-p 
writ for the three members of the bad-ass 
Jones fa In spite of the fact that 
London was finishing his third year of 
heavy prison time. he was the most cheer- 
ful, happy. funny dude who ever hit the 
lode-country slammer. The tank was а 
in while he was there. Even the 
guards would grin when they came into 
the cell, and thats an accomplishment. 
When we asked Leary why he was locked 
fake name, he 
Damned. if Deplorable 
public relations, 1 guess. The right w 
says i's protecting me fr 
And the left w у 
ped by the CLA, I'm w: 
both to realize that the war is « 
POWs сап go home.” 
(Name withheld by request) 
Berkeley, California 


COMIC RELIEF 
As a longtime comic buff, I was over- 
joved to sec your September pictorial 
ComicStrip Capers. Is high time some- 
опе undressed those damsels. Let's have 
more of them in the future. 
Fred Johnson 
Dallas, Texas 
Why wait for the future when you can 
have them now? Here's one comiestripped 


heroine we couldn't fit into the feature. 
See if you вап guess who she is. 


WAR FARE 
James Jones's Evolution of a Soldier 
(PLAYBOY. September) has to be one of 
the ем war memoirs of all ti 
Jones writes with great style and ins 
lor me. he captured. the mood of those 
days perfectly Пов the first unsure baby 
steps to the demobilization in 1945. I'v 
already placed my advance order for the 
book and look forward to reading it. 
Lamont Frost 
New York, New York 


Although I am no admirer of Hitler's 
politics. I must disagree with your dis- 
paraging caption about his art. Hitler's 
paintings were competent, if academic, 
with а melancholy intensity reminiscent 
of Bernard Bullet, Not every artist shows 


career and 
Hitler might have 
done with encouragement, though the 
later development of his work in thc 
grander theater of global warfare and 
propaganda suggests that he was what we 
would today call а conceptual artist. For 
sure, he was а more competent painter 
than either Eisenhower or Churchill. Ger- 
tainly we сап all the world 
would have been a lot beuer off had he 
not been rejected by that art school. Per- 
haps there is а lesson here. Who knows 
what agony we are saving the future by 
lowering college admissions standards 
through open enrollment tac 

Jules Sie 

Liuleriver, С 


ifornia 


A salute to nd to James 
Jones for his description and. philoxophi 
cal reminiscences of World War Two in 
The Evolution of a Soldier. The thoughts 
expressed brought back many memories 
of that critical time in history when the 


LAV HOY 


world was divided into two opposing 
lorces—those. барий ain free: 
dom and those who sought to be the 


masters with the remainder of mur 
subservient to their will and whims 
rdon 
alimore, Maryland 


SURVIVAL TEST 
Only the Strong. Sur 
September), by Jolm Skow. is very inter- 
esting. For the past five years. Гус man- 
aged to survive the rigors of city life— 
indeed, managing to survive my dai 
odyssey from Brooklyn to Manhattan. via 
subway is rigorous enough—but I wonder 
how long I would last in the wilderness. 
I always thought I could survive, but after 


reading Skow's article, I'm not so sure I 
even want to try. 

Harold Wilson 

New York. New York 


Congratulations to PLAYBOY and to 
Johu Skow for the nifty article on the Hur- 
пе Island Outward Bound School. I 
should point out that one third of our 
students ате adults. almost 40 percent 
of all students ave women and we 
al fivc- and ten-day adult mini 
ses throughout the season. As there 
is no upper age limit. and we subscr 
to ап open-adiission policy, any of you, 
from Hugh Hefner to all the Club 
Bunnies are el pply. 1 must 
warn you, however, that the ice-cream 
cones appearing їп the article's illustra- 
tion a ot standard issue. 

C. P. Williamson, Jr. 

Hurricane Island 
Outward Bound School 

Rockland. Maine 


ible to 


Your article by John Skow, Only the 
Strong Survive, is interesting. The cx- 
periences that he had certainly are a 
new kind of middle-class entertainment 


PROD 


"A great dinner, cont'd. 


Carillon importers, Ltd., 745 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10022. Product of France. Made with fine cognac brandy. 80 proof. 


PLAYBOY 


16 


and one only questions the 1 
pact of such an activity and its social 
value, To the founder of the Outward 
Bound program, the kate Dr. Kurt Hahn, 
who was headmaster of Gordonstoun 
School in Scotland, the entertainment 
form of Outward Bound today would cer- 
tainly seem far from what he had envi- 
sioned. When he started the program 
during World War Two, to help 
boys from the slums of Manchester, G 
gow, Birmingham, etc, develop social 
awareness of the world in which they lived. 
Now it seems to have deteriorated. into 
another form of summer entertainment 
for the affluent. 

Hans К. Maeder, Ph.D. 

School and College Advisory Center 
ew York, New York 


g im- 


CIA REVISITED 

As a result of reading PLAYBOY'S Au- 
gust interview with Philip Agee, Madame 
Dewi Sukarno, wife of the former Indo- 
nesian president, sent the following letter 
to President Ford and Senator Frank 
Church 

The CIA is 


id to have spied on my 


husband. the lire President Sukarno, 
manufactured a fake film in order to 
slander his good name and honor, 


planned an assassination attempt against 
him and conspired to oust him from pow- 
er and estrange him fr 
people by accusing him of collaborating 
with international communism in betrayal 
an independence, which, of 
course, was totally absurd. Му ћи 
repeatedly informed me that he was fully 
ware of these immoral, illegal, subv 
e activities against his beloved In- 
donesia, his people and against him 
personally. Both in 1958 and in 1965, the 
CIA directly interfered in the inter 
airs of Indonesia. In 1958, this mon- 
strous action led to civil . In 1965, it 
led to the ultimate takeover by а pro- 
y regime, while hundreds 
of thousands of innocent peasants and 
loyal citizens were massacred in the name 
of this € crusade against intern: 

nal coi Still today, ten у 
ater, many tens of thousands of true 
riots and Sukarnoists are locked up 
ls and concentration camps, being de- 
mplest and most elementary 
ghis. American companies and 
ggressive foreign interests ате indiscrimi- 
nately plundering the natural riches of 
Indonesia to the advantage of the few 
nd the disadvantage of the millions of 
unemployed and impoverished masses. I 
must now ask you, Mr, President, in the 
name of freedom and justice, in the name 
of decency in relations between state: 
statesmen, between powerful nations 
developing lands, in the name of the In- 
donesian people and the Sukarno family: 
Did the United States of America commit 
these hideous crimes against Indonesia 
and against the founder of the nation? 
Will your Government be prepared to 


of Indones 


accept responsibility for these evil prac- 
tices? My countrymen have the right to 
know the truth. It will be the painful 
duty for America now to reveal the CIA 
involvement in Indonesia and release all 
information and documents relevant. to 
who really initiated the terrifying blood 
bath that led to the overthrow of the legal 
government and to the inhuma 
ment of my husband during house arrest, 
which lasted three years, until his death. 
In closing, 1 would like to strongly appeal 
to you. Mr. President, to use you 
fluence with the military regime in Dja- 
karta to immediately hee those many 
thousands of political prisoners, men and 
women, former cabinet ministers, writers 
and journalists, who I know are entirely 
innocent of the treason they have been 
accused of. If the United States were to 
be instrumental in helping to improve 
the fate of so many thousands of coura 

iots, 1 think the entire 


in America’s intentions toward the Third 


World, 
R. S. Dewi Sukarno 
nce 


SHOW TIME 
Contrary to one of your readers, we 
found the book Show Me! (Playboy After 
Hours, June) to be absolutely fantastic! 
We have always been very honest and 
open with our children regarding sex. 
"This book, however, goes far beyond any 
attempt we could make verbally to de- 
scribe the beauty of the human body and. 
its capabilities. We feel sorry for the per- 
son who found your magazine sick for 
showing a picture [rom the book. Natu- 
rally. some people will find Show Me! 
offensive. But the lives of the children 


g it will 


who have the privilege of scei 
most likely be richer and fulle: 
Mr 


and Mrs. Gi 
nver, Colorado 


ld R. Jurdan 


OKLAHOMA 

1 have just finished reading Jay Cron- 
leys article, Win or Die (тглувоу, Sep- 
tember). about the Oklahoma- Texas 
football rivalry in Dallas: and if it tells 
the truth, I'm glad I spend Friday night 
in Fort Worth and Saturday afternoon 
on the playing field, where it's sal 


University of Ok 


For Cronley writes one hell 
of a good story. However, Texans refer 


to the weekend of the TexasOklahoma 
game 


as the Texas-OU, not Oklahoma 
weekend, Having been in Dallas 
on several nights before the big 
game (before I had good sense), 1 can 
relate to Cronleys misadventures. In 
Playbill, you mentio Cronley 
n. Well, 
e Houston should be reprinted 


doesn’t exactly cotton. to Te: 


his 


by the Houston Chamber of Con 


You see, everybody who li 
Dallas-F 


merce. 
n the 


t Worth area feels the same 
way about Houston as Cronley does. Most 


Texans just do not cotton to Houston 
Long live Coors and Texis-OU weekends. 
Hook ‘em Horns. 


a OU 
n of many Oklahoma-Texas 
mes, 1 was reminded of some of those 


a veteran 


great weekends in Big D. 
Robert Hume Brady 
Hartford. Connecticut. 
COLLEGE HUMOR 


Slop! Don't Go to College (rtv 
September) is not only excellent but 
accurate in every humorous detail. 
returning home in 1971 from five yeats of 
college to find employment related to my 
major or minor impossible. I becune de- 
pressed and extremely disillusioned. Then 
І discovered that those who never at 
tended college had been working while I 
was away and were earning enviable sal- 
wies, and I was even more disenchanted. 
The obvious question was whether or not 
college had been a wise decision. After a 
careful evaluation, 1 determined it «ег 
initely was, As Ше feature’s final picture 
testifies the chicks made it really. worth 
going to college. 

Edward G. Ezekian 

Upper Darby Township. Pennsylvania 


After 


I must take exception to your Septem 
ber article on college, which one of my 
aument lovers read to me over the phone. 
College life, dorm life in particula, has 
presented me with endless challenges. 
Like screwing in the fifth-floor stall room 
of the libra 
ofa 
Gustavus Adolphus. But, most of 
four years 1 don't have to worry 
work or marriage. So please quit scaring 
the fun-loving men away. Where else but 
college can an intelligent, amoral fo 
like me find men with equal intellige 
curiosity, daring and adaptability? 
Tamara Lyons 
Tucson, Arizona. 


Slop! Don’t Go to College is опе of 
the best things I've seen in years. And 
high time, too. After five years of paying 
those bastards through the nose, where do 
you suppose І аш? In Boston, washing 
dishes from nine р.м. to three in the 
moming for a large lobster restaurant. 
After all that aggravation (theses. term 
papers, lousy food and boring dasses), I 
have two degrees ii lish literature and 
dishpan hand 


Lary Hognut 
Boston, Massachusetts 


"My father, when he hears O Sole Mio on a 
Marantz speaker system, he cries with joy." 


те sound is so real, it is like 
the old days when he would have the 
great parties and the orchestra 
would play mama's favorite 3 
songs. How does a Marantz Л 
speaker system create this 
marvelous illusion of 
reality? Frankly, I am 
not an expert. But I 
have talked with 
experts and they 
tell me with Marantz 
speakers the separa- 
tion of sound is molto 
fantastico. That is, each instrument 
is heard very clearly, very distinctly. 
Not all mixed up together so you 
can't tell the salami from the cheese. 
To really appreciate Marantz 
speakers, what you must do is 
compare them with other makes. 
When you do, make sure you - еп 
to one of your favorite recor: 
you'll be able to hear that Marantz 
speaker systems make a big 
difference. The difference say 
between sitting in a box at La Scala 
and standing just outside the door” 


Count Marcello Tetrazzini owns a 
Marantz Imperial 7 speaker system. 
Be sure to see the complete line of 
Marantz speaker systems starting as 
low as $59.95, plus receivers and 
components at your Marantz dealer. 


All over the world 
people consider Marantz Stereo 
the finest in the world. 


HER ага шега шт Ш 2. 
We sound better. 


Vo 5 " 
D Ў 


This is E 500 Honda Civic Dealer locations might look from space (original 
satellite photo courtesy National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration). 


The most important adver 


A Candid Discussion of the 
Changing Meaning 
of the Automobile In America 


The automobile in this country will 
never be the same. Say goodbye to those 
gas-eating giants that were once the 
symbol of affluence and manhood in 
America. That symbolis being discarded. 
Donot lament its passing. Today there is 
a new symbol: the highly-functional, 
good-mileage car. It is the symbol of the 
new American: intelligent and thought- 
ful of the world he inhabits. 

Our car, the Honda Civic CVCC with 
its remarkable Advanced Stratified 


ChargeEngine, is one of the major forces 
that is helping change the automobile. 
This makes us happy. 


Our Goal 

Itis our goal to bring to the world the 
most practical car for the greatest num- 
ber of people at the best price. We de- 
signed the Civic along these principles. 
So notice. Our car is shorter than most. 
Also notice. It is remarkably roomy and 
comfortable. 

Efficiency is a good word for the 
Civic concept. 

The Civic is also designed to over- 
come pollution. Study our CVCC ‘engine. 
It conquers excess pollution without the 


addition of a catalytic converter. 

And because Honda is an engincer- 
ing company, our cars are able to meet 
pollution standards while building in an 
outstanding combination of excel- 
lent gasoline mileage and brilliant per- 
formance. 

That means the Honda Civic, known 
to most peopleas an economy car, is also 
a driver's car. 

These features have meant unprece- 
dentedgrowthforthe Honda Civic When 
1975 started, we were the 12th largest- 
selling import in the country. Today we 
arefourth* with almost double our sales 
of last year. 


tisement you may ever read. 


Our 500 Dealers Our Request 

There is another key reason for the We urge you to test drive the Civic at 

Civic's success: over 500 dealers coast- апу of our dealers. And since your opin- 
to-coast. ionis the test of our dedication, we would 

500. appreciate hearing from you concerning 
In size our dealer group is large Our саг and dealer organization. Please 

enough so that you as a Civic owner can address all letters to: Cliff Schmillen, 
find a Honda dealer when you need one. Auto Field Sales Manager, American 

Yet our dealernetworkissmallenoughso Honda Motor Co., Inc., 100 W. Alondra 

that we can work with every one person- Blvd., Gardena, CA 90247. 

ally. Each dealer is hand-picked. Our Thank you for reading this lengthy 

parts and service programs are designed Message. 

tofully equip each dealer so that owning 

а Civic is the pleasure it was meanttobe. | 

Lookatthemapabove; chances are there Cyce aad Civic are Honda trademarks, HONDA CIVIC 
is a dealer close to you. ©те Ameren Honda Moor Co ше. What the world Is coming to. 


Make this your day 


This can be your day to stand out from 
the crowd. We'll help you do it with 
Jantzen 100's sportswear of 

DuPont DACRON? polyester. Choose 
from jackets, slacks, shirts, to create 

a perfect individual look of your own; 
And make every day 

your day to shine. 


~ 


'A source of pride 
(TZEN INC., PORTLAND. OREGON 97208 


20 Jacket and slacks (left) about 562. Jacket and slacks (right) about $52. Shirts about $19. 


Photographed at luxurious April Sound on Lake Conroe, Texas. 


PLAYBOY 


pblushing- frankness Award of the 
Month: to Dial Soap, whose ad 
for regularsized bars promoted them in 
the Eugene, Oregon, Register-Guard as 
“the deodorant soap for round-the-cock 


protection.” 

We understand that bird-watching was 
classified as a "hazardous" hobby by the 
British medici magazine Practitioner, 
after an enthusiastic omithologist—intent 
on watching a bird—was eaten by a croc 
odile that he failed to notice. 

A little lower around the shaft, Marcel 
A disc jockey on Grangeville, Idaho's 
KORT, concluding a commercial for a 
local hairdresser, said, “The special for 
this week only is a haircut, shampoo and 
blow job for only five-filt 

. 
g to Henry Kissinger's former 
maid, as quoted in the National Enquirer, 
"He would leave his clothes im a line 
leading to his bed; first his boxer shorts, 
then his socks, then his undershirt, and 
finally his pants" And we thought he 
took them olf one leg at a time! 

5 


Accord 


But it feels good when I shrug: A doc- 
tor from Montebello, California, says in 
Moneysworth that The Man in the Glass 
Booth, a movie about Nazi Germany, 
shows an X ray purported to be of star 
Maximilian Schell's shoulder that is actu 
ally an X ray oí s pelvic region— 
complete with LU.D. 

• 


wom: 


We've heard of people who can't tell 
Shinola: A newly patented 
mouse-feeding, device reported in The 
New York Times lets mice help them- 
selves to dinner but prevents them from 
delecating into the food container “and 
thus misleading researchers.” 
. 

Kit & Kaboodle Antiques in Moose 
Jaw, Saskatchewan, ran an ad in 
Moose Jaw Shopper: "Wanted— Crystal 
Spring Ginger Beer Bottles, also Beaver 


shit from 


the 


AFTER HOURS 


Better than setting a bear trap, 
we'll wager. 
. 

‘Two men were arrested when they tried 
ve a phony prescription filled in a 
gstore in South Sound, Washington. 
The druggist told police he became sus- 
picious when he found he could easily 
read the handwriting on the form. Police 
notified druggists in the area to be on 
the lookout for customers bearing legible 
prescriptions. 


Can they 
get it wholesale, 
too? When 
Sacramento 
police raided 
а whorchouse 
near the state 
capitol, the 
found stacks of 
coupon books 
entitling reg- 
ular customers 
to discounts 

oj five and ten 
dollars per 
session. 


The Washington, D. C., Evening Star 
informed viewers one evening that a Late 
Show movie would be Maryland, "a fair- 
ly good horse story about a woman who 
feels her prize horses after her husband 
is killed in an accident.” 


А 

1n the men's room of the British Rail- 
ways passenger station at Cardiff is а 
coin-operated condomlispensing machine 


with the following information neatly 
displayed in fine print: INSPECTED TO 
BRITISH GOVERNMENT STANDARDS. Below 


this legend, painstakingly scratched in the 
dispensers white paint: "So was the 
Titanic!" 


. 
First-class mail: A recently issued Nor- 
gian postage stamp depic 
naked female breasts has so enraged a 
local postmaster that he’s refused to sell 
the stamps, which commemorate Inter 
national Women's Year, because he ol» 
jects to the idea of canceling breasts. 
А 

The New Look of the Student Health 
Service, a handbook for University of 
Kentucky “Re 
member: Cycles are harder to see than 
four-wheel vehicles. . . . At night wear 
reflective leg bands or clothing. Don't 
forget your leg bands when pedaling nude 
at night, 


we 


ng a pair of 


students, admonishes, 


The classificd-ad order form for a trade 
journal we know advises. “For assistance 
call Miss Smith. . .. A minimum of three 
insertions is recommended for best 
results.” 


. 

Two bank robbers in Cincinnati were 
using an acetylene torch on a night 
deposit box and accidentally set the bank 
notes inside on fire. The blaze triggered 
an alarm that brought firemen and po- 
lice, who promptly arrested the men. 

А 

А "bizarre love-experiment kidnaping 
of three cocds was reported in the Tren- 
ton, New Jersey, Trentonian. A Federal 
grand jury named a student as an unin- 
dicted co-conspirator and a former college 
professor was charged with a "five-cunt 
indictment. 


• 

‘This may bring back bundling: Re- 
searchers at the Massachusetts Institute of 
Technology have developed a new device 
for heating homes via solar energy. It’s 
plastic wall containing a layer of heat- 
sensitive chemicals that become opaque 
above a certain temperature, blocking out 
the sun's rays, and transparent. when the 
house cools, to allow the sun to warm the 


21 


PLAYBOY 


22 


rooms. Only one problem: The housc— 
bedrooms ded. becomes entirely 
transparent on cold days. 

. 

When a tavern across the street from 
an animal clinic in. Dodge City. Kansas, 
caught fire, firemen hooked up to а hy- 
Чаш in front of the clinic. But when they 
turned on the water, nothing happened. 

stalled by 
ence of dog 


The hydrant was a dummy 
the 


dinie for the 


ети. 


conver 


. 

He chews gum and prays at the same 
time: Reporters who accompanied Pres 
ident Ford on his European tour were 
n background notes informing them 
that the Vatican City’s "inhabitants are 
Roman y 


ао 


б 

An antique-car show in Fort Devens, 
Massachusetts, promised to be quite an 
event, as The Dispatch announced 
“Even the girl scouts will get their cookies 
oll while providing refreshments for the 
crowd.” 


. 
A t City, California, store ad in 
the Tahoe Daily Tribune shows a pair 
E clutching hands over the headline 


BOSTON STRANGLER 
PRICES SO LOW YOU'LL CHOKE 
. 

Police investigating а motel burglary 
followed the t to a funeral home in 
Fresno, California. There were two bodies. 
at the home, one of them in a hearse, thc 


CLEARANCE SALE— 


other stretched out on а cart. Both bodies 
were breathing heavily. Police arrested 
the pai 


PEOPLE 


If you search your brain for the big 
moments in music this year, you'll come 
up with а short list. Short but good. There 
was the Stones tour, the assault of reggae 
on America, a new [old Dylan record and 
“Red Octopus,” the Jefferson Airplane's 
first crack at the top of the charts in years, 
The people who make up the Airplane, or 
the Starship, as they now call themselves, 
h been at it а long time. In fact, it's 
their tenth anniversary as а band. So we 
sent Research Editor Barbara Nellis to 
visit with Grace Stick, one of rock "m 
voll’s survivors. 
rLAYBOY: What's the secret of the band's 
longevity, whidh isn’t exactly common in 
the rock bi 
миск: There's a 
nly we don't bu 
And w 


bunch of them, but 
п ourselves. ош on 
tour ve fights in this 
ad, no th g things or head knock- 
ng. TE somebody wants to come or go or 
ke another record or do another group, 
s [rec 10 do it. 

aynoy: Red Octopus is mainly danc 
ing music; it goes light on the politics. 
Was that delibei 
маск: 1 wondered about that myself. We 


m 


don't 


bs 


w 


don't plan albums, really, bur 
turned out that there arc about fivc song- 
writers in the group and everybody more 
or less wrote love songs. Maybe every- 
body just felt good for a while. 

PLAYBOY: What has the effect of. Marty 
Balin’s return to the band been on your 
music? 


just 


stack: I think асъ fantastic. I've said this 
before and it may sound weird, but 
there 
isn't 


any- 
body E 
wanna see 
do a three-hour 

set with the same 
singer. Mick Jagge 
the guy is tireless. I mean, he just ] 
around. all during the concert: but few 
people can be that interesting. I like hı 
ing Marty back bectuse it means you get 
couple of different styles of singers and five 
styles of music from the writers. It isn’t just 
one person. And I like singing with Marty 
and having a strong male voice. 

PLAYBOY: What about your own situation 
With the band over the years? Ten years 


d for me to talk about 
that kind of stuff. I was the oldest child 
in my family and an only kid until 1 was 
me along. So I 


got a lot of 
gave me the impres 
son and could do anything 1 м: 
do. I ако got the impression that women 
chose to do the things they did, that they 
liked 1o stay home, otherwise they 
wouldn't be doing it. So when all this 
stult started, it baffled me. There are a lot 
of wome tory who did amazing 
things and didn't seem to have a problem. 
A lot of men do the same damn thing for 
60 years and then die. I think it's a matter 
of individual talent or desire to do some- 
g with your life other than hang 
round the house or the insurance office. 
лувот: You never thought you were 
12 

Jot particularly, What happened 
as that I was living in San Francisco and 
I went with a friend to see the Jefferson 
irplane. and we thought, “Hey, that 
ike fun,” and we started a group. 
Later, the Jefferson Airplane asked me 


ng 


looks 


to sing with them. But it was а very casu- 
al enuy, there was no pl 
PLAYBOY: You've been the only woman 
in a group of me Imost ten. years. 
А lot of women didn't make it, couldn't 
endure the rock'n'roll life. What did 
you do to survive? 

stick: Living with a bunch of guys— 
bout 25 of them on the road—is just 
"usual. I don't see women very often 
1 I've been living this way for so long 
that it seems normal to me. 1 think most 
men are beiter educated than women, so 


1 find them more interesting to talk to. 
and | think most women feel 
г. That may change. Women are 


ing that there 
sibilities for their lives 
of humor and music are my two 

favorite things, and men 
tat least the guys й 
group are 


мл Are you 
treated as ап 
equal in all 
the group 
decisions? 
SLICK: Yeah, 
as far as thi 
goes. But they 
do treat me 
like a woman 
1 don't have 
bags around 
and all that old-fash- 
ıt of the group 
and they are wed 10 me. In other words, 
nd lm not a dyke. 

There isa definite male /female thing. 
PLAYBOY: And you have no idea why you 
didn't succumb to the pitfalls? Like drugs? 


none of them are fa 


маск: Well, now, 1 like booze, but I 
don't take speed or heroin or anything. 


T 


"IL twist you around pretty good. I've 
er been into shooting up; Jd rather 
h for a glas. And I think it's one of 
those things that either you destroy your- 
self because you get so wired and crazy 
or you destroy your relationships with 
other people. Fm not saying anyone's 
evil for doing it. 1 can understand it. Its 
а strange life when you're in a different 
town every day and confined to your 
room. The guys ст move around more 
freely, but there is something about be 
Grace Slick that is outside of me. After 
concert, 1 can't. walk out of the hotel 
unnoticed. You get to be a prisoner 
in your hotel room. so 1 can understand. 
why a lot of people would take drugs to 
rearrange their consciousness. If you take 
enough heroin in your hotel room, you 
don't give a shit where you 
wor: There seems to be а parallel 
between cultural events and your music— 
we, the way White Rabbit be- 
came the psychedelic national ther 
this been conscious? 

Yes, it's true—because rock groups 
who write their own music tend to write 
about what's going on. Like in medieval 
times, wandering minstrels would go fro 


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PLAYBOY 


26 


town to town and write songs about what 
happened in the last town to sing in the 
next one. We go around and talk about 
what's happening and occasionally give 
our opinions in a song. Maybe the reason 
Red Octopus is about love is that cvery- 
thing else in the world is so screwed up. 
T thi songs like White Rabbit did 
change people's consciousness about mari- 
па. The idea of people getting mad. 
about something that does so little harm 
is really stupid. In those days, we could 
attack one thing at a time; now there are 
so many damn things. 

rLAYBOY: What do you want to be doing 
ten years from now? 

SLICK: I like the idea of movies—not act- 
ing. necessarily, but scriptwriting or set 
design. Movies have within them mu: 
visuals, story—everything except live pe 
formances. But it will have to w: 
can't tour and make records 
able for movies at the same 


PLAYBOY: don't want to become an 
old rock^n-rall singer? 
SLICK: I'm already an old rock'n'roll 


singer. I think I'm older than anyone else 
except Ginger Baker. That's one good 
thing about making music—people al- 
ways like music, no matter how old you 
get. You can make music till you dic. 


Pravmov: Where do old rock’n'-rollers 
go? To Vegas? 
SLICK: Y. jh. but we're thinking of 


on the next tour as a one- 
ame way we do it ever 
where све, I've never been there, I think 
it would be funny. 

PLAYBOY: How docs it feel as an old rock- 
чү-тойет to have a hit ag 
suck: I think Red Octopus is something 
for people to hang on to. We've been 
around for a long time now. Marty came 
back. Other things fall apart, but here's 
one old thing that got back together 
1 think there is something appeal- 
g about that to people. 


RECORDINGS 


Julian "C: Al" Adderley, one 
of the giants of jazz, is gone and it’s 
onic that his most ambitious uudcr- 
taking should get to the public after 
his death. Big Mem (Fantasy) is a folk 
musical based on the legend of John 
лгу, with music by Cannonball and 
his brother Nat and Iyrics by Diane 
Lampert and Peter Farrow, with the 
book by Lampert and George W. 
George, and it should provide а fitting 
memorial. twin-LP album is filled 
ith fascinating sounds, not the least of 
ch is Joe Williams—in the role of 
Henry—who is something else. 
ny of your preconceived notions 


wi 
wi 
Joh: 
Scrap 


a new Joe Williams who'll 
knock you olf your chair. Randy € 

ford and Robert G most 
effective in their roles as Carol 
nd Jassawa, respectively, At this wri 


ng, 


there are plans afoot for concert pei 
formances and a stage production. We 
wish Big Man well; it and Cannonball 
deserve it. 


. 

If Scott Joplin hasn't been thoroughly 
covered and recovered by now, Dick 
Hyman's five-LP album for RCA should 
really wrap it up—it's subtitled “The 
Complete Works for Piano" and it's 
that and then some. In addition to the 
better-known 


rags, there are 
iz and march sides 
id they come off very well. 
ide ten is made up of Hyman 

improvisations on Joplin themes. Jopli 
total output was done in less than 20 
years and it's pressing on to 60 years 
since his death, but, my, how his com- 
positions stand the test of rime. From 
Original Rags, Joplin's first, on through 
Maple Leaf Rag, his most famous, and on 
to the posthumously published Reflection 
Rag, Hyman, a dedicated craftsman, shows 


head of his contempor 
voluminous notes by jazz histor 
Blesh that accompany the recordings add 
considerably to the package. 

. 

We've always admired Rahsa 
land. Kirk—for his musicianship 
his fine comic raps. But not everybody 
likes them. Ten years 


rigging him, Kirk, whe has been blind 
since childhood, began speculating about 
her evening attire. He described it so 
exactly that the whole bar stood up and 
cheered. Recently, in Hermosa Beach, 
near Los Angeles, Kirk sent an aggressive 
heckler into an epileptic fit. For real. 
The guy had to be carried out of the 
bar on a stretcher while Kirk played 
soothing flute music. Kirk's gifs for 
gab and music combine nicely on The 
Cose of the 3 Sided Dream in Audio Color 
(Ашап). The album contains two ver- 


sions of The Entertainer, the first one 
so bad-ass and funky that it makes 
the sound track of The Sting seem like 
Madama Butterfly. On Bye Bye Blackbird, 
he lays aside his saxes and picks up the 
trumpet in a mellow tribute to Miles 
Davis. Also interesting are six sound col 
lages called Dreams. The brief pieces 
depict life during World War Two: Amid 
the cacophony of air-raid sirens, exploding 
bombs, troop-train departures, charch bells 
and a game of ping-pong rises the plai 
є voice of Billie Holiday singing her 
heart out, but to no avail. Our favorite 
cut is the second of the overdubbed fou 
part fugues [or rapping human voice 
led Conversation, It's just Kirk 
speaking. but the piece wonder 
fully blurs the lines between 
speech and music. On the otherwise 
blank side four, Kirk delivers a brief 
ig the apocalypse. 


Enough, alr 
more times must we h 


ny 
ar another 
y nostalgic 
Tonterey, New York 
inia and all those 
other typically British rest stopson the 
musical Michelin guide? It's boring 
enough coming from home 
grown bozos like John Denver 
nd Barry Manilow, but from some 
Cockney vamp it’s just too silly. What is 

Rod Stewart's survival secret? The aggre: 
sive rock of the Sixties scene that spawned 
him and the faceless Faces has faded. 
па Stewart's current product, Atlontic 
Grossing (Warner Bros), is a mildewed 
memento mori of those debonair days 
when British boozers were idols. Now 
he's a solo th a gravel gullet 
that would appall any good ornitholo- 
gist. Hard times have hit the record biz 
if this is all it can conjure up as а “new 
release.” Maybe Stewart's got something 
on some A&R any case, this 
LP is far out, which is to . "Man, 
оша d outta sync. ошта touch." 
Too bad it's not outta sight and sound. 

. 

The Wild, the Innocent & the E Street 
Shuffle made Bruce Springsteen's name a 
household word, if you happened to live 
in а house with a liter 


man. Ir 


€ rock critic who 
ters, Never has one 


the new Dylan: a 
de poet whose turf was Tenth 
. It was not unlike 
comparing Last Exit 10 Brooklyn with 
А Tree Grows in Brooklyn. Dylan is scn- 
timental: His songs about interpersonal 
relationships could happen to anyone, any- 
where, even to Joan Baez. Springsteen is 
savage: He sets a scene ges taken 
from Naked Lunch. His heroes live off the 
scene, not each other. They refuse to be 
prettied up. And he's got onc of the best 
bands in the business: It knows how to 
pump iron and kick ass, but it also knows 
when mot to play. (That alone could 


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PLAYHOY 


account for the limited acceptance of E 

Street.) The songs just didn't have con- 

ventional verse-chorus-verse-chorus-bridge- 

9 d chorus structure. On the new album. Born 

fo Run (Columbia). the street narratives 

ou ve earne dic Nep ee 

С рчһе that will blow the likes of Captain 

Fantastic right off the multitrack. The 

1 the music: You can still pick out the sky- 
line, Springsteen's voice sounds like a 
m. pawnshop saxophone, rough. raspy, but in 
the right hands the perfect instrument to 
deliver lines lik "One soft infested 
summcer/Me become friends/ 
п to breathe /The fire we 
This is the record that will 
the singer-songwriter a star. Spring- 


steen and. coproducers Mike Appel and 
Jon Landau have managed а commercial 
3 package without human sacrifice. 
5 E 
-because last night уо! because уои chose your | Aner ten years and a dozen records, 
took your wife outside —  Scotchfor value. we are almost. prepared to admit that a 
and had a snowball "And the Scotch you chose | love for the Grateful Dead is a special 


fight. And you made Was the one that started | taste. At times, we feel like dedicated 
her giggle like n all the others on the mission s stl stuck away in a low- 
you used to. | | roadtolightness. rent, storefront church. despite endless 


hers The criginal light | Preselstizing. Why don't their records 
5 gn sell millions? What's wrong with all you 


sinners? 


---if you're more light price tag. These apostolic outcries are inspired 
concerned with your | Usher’s. We earned our by the latest in the Dead's series 
automobile’s MPG | stripe in 1853. à “of excellent. albums, Blues for 
(miles per gallon) Allah (Grateful Dead). Side 


thanits MPH 
(miles per hour). 


„for admitti 


one is topquality Grateful Dead rock 
"m" voll Jery Garcia is the best instru 
темабы to come out of the Sixties 
rock explosion. He describes himself 


Mein e M Да 
J46 Stewart Lat 


as а music junkie who just wants to 
pl 
liquid, improvisational lines just keep 
rolling along. and the rest of the band 
is right with him. They used to call 
the Dead's music acid rock, а phrase 
that most people associate with disso: 
пе. but the most acidy 


the time. It shows. His long. 


(EDINBURGH 


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Here's another reason to be jolly. 

Ina big container, mix one 46-ounce can 
Hawaiian Punch Fruit Juicy Red, one 
6-ounce can lemonade concentrate 
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concentrate (undiluted), 1 quart Bacardi 
light rum. Chill 2 hours. Pour punch 
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Have amerry one. For every quart of eggnog, 
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PLAYBOY 


32 


energy that picks you up and takes you 
along rather than coming out at you in 
the fashion of The Rolling Stones. It 
is, abovc all clse, good-time music. 
° 

Four years ago, Southern rock "n* 
the Allman Brothers Band. Period. 
invented. it, it on a boogi 
starved public with their Allman Brothers 
at Fillmore East album and subsequently 


least ший Du 
ly the best America. 
Things have changed a lot since then 
The other Southern bands that came up 
in the Allman Bros.’ shadow are starting 
to forge musical identities at the same 
time that the Bros. are having some 
trouble with their own, Win, Lose or Draw 
(Capricorn), the Allmans long-delayed 
new album, could be subtitled “Gregg 
» and Richard Betts Take - 
The two 
split the vocal duties, Gregg singing his 
lemarked blues and Betts his sweeter, 
more countryllavored. tunes. A 
course, there's the obl 
stumental. The fa 

sound is still the 
more 


ne, although there's 
mphasis on the piano now, and 
ar is used sparingly. But some- 
s wrong most me- 
I, perfectly wrought. assembly-line. 
» Bros. tunes, played without much 
passion or conviction. 

. 

While the Allman Bros. are beginning 
10 sound like a facsimile of themselves, 
the Marshall Tucker Band, which began 
a musical footnote to the Allmans, is 
coming into its own. Searchin’ for a Rainbow 
(Саргісош) still touches the required 
blues and countryrock bases, but the 
most interesting tunes are the ones in 
which proven formulas are abandoned. 
Two excursions into country swing are 
particularly exciting, as i£ Bobby "Blue" 


Bland had conjured up the spirit of Bob 
Wills and His Texas Playboys to work out 
some mew countryswingblues fusion. 

t such a 


Which, come to think of it, 
bad idea. 


? We'd be willing to wage 
a modest sum that the New York Jazz 
the goods to pick up wherc 
MJQ left off. The troops are made up 
of bassist Ron Carter, pianist Roland 
Hann: ed п (supr: id 
(d drummer Ben 
Riley, and there you have the makings 
of some very tasty sounds. Ron Carter's 
the moving force on The New York Jazz 
Quartet / In Concert in Japan (Salvation) and 
the nonparcil bassist’s influence can be 
felt throughout. Side one opens with 
his Little Waltz, moves on to Monk's 
Well You Needn't and then росу 
a couple of Hanna originals, 
Introspection (a solo outing) and Mediter- 
ranean Seascape. Frank Wess is 
mple of a super 
ian who's paid most of his dues as 
a studio man with not nearly the ac- 
claim he should have soloist; this 
LP should help set matters aright. 
Another bright showcase for Roland 
Hanna's super piano can be found on 
Perugia (Arista), recorded live at Mon- 
treux in 1974. Hanna is a тап un- 
perturbed by changing piano styles, 
encroaching avant-gardism and keyboard. 
ads and fancies—he is a traditionalist 
in the best sense of the word. He intros 
the album with lush renditions of a pai 
of jazz standards—Billy Stray! ake 
the A Tram and Duke Ellington's / Got 
H Bad and That Ain't Good—then offers 
his own Time Dust Gathered, the title 
composition and Thad Jones's memorable 
A Child Is Born and doses with another 
original, Wistful Moment. Well done, 
Sir Roland. 


classi, 


BOOKS 


т (Knopf) is the Finnegans Wake of 
American business—an enormous, rhyth- 
mic dream preserved as if on the rolls 
of a player piano. performing brittle 
music for an indifferent audience. The 
novel unfolds as an endless sting of 
conversations through which is revealed 
the nightmare of the Americm corpo- 
rate structure, a system “set up to promote 
the meanest possibilities in human nature 
па make them look good.” The prodiga 
hero of William Gaddis’ second book 
(his first novel, Recognitions, published 
in 1955, has emerged as a bitter Amer 
can classic) grubby 11-year-old boy, 
JR, who sleeps in his clothes and ope 
ates а multimillion-dollar “family of 
companies" out of a pay phone in his 

school, a handkerchief 
the mouthpiece to disguise 


his voice. It is these conversations inside 
the phone booth that provide the book's 
brilliant, mad humor. By u the 
phone to keep tabs on the U. S. economy, 
JR aims to catch "Mickey Mouse by the 


short hair." The characters who tumble 


in and out of his schemes—composers, art- 
ists, generals, novelists, spinsters, widow 
Congressmen, business tycoons, drunk- 


ards, kinky secretaries and а mail-order 
wyer—texture the novel with compet- 
ing sets of cadences and vocabularies 
nudge us deeper and decper into 


Ў g world. JR under- 
stands the ultimate logic of American 
chicanery: "Like 1 mean this here bond 
and stock stuff you don’t see anybody 


you don't know anybody only in the 
тай and the telephone because that’s 
how they do it nobody has to scc any- 
body, you cin be this here funny look- 


st person that lives in а toilet 
someplace how do they know. . . ." 
E 


The politics of petroleum are so con- 
voluted that not even governments, 
much less the consuming public, сап 
refine the truth from the crude facts 
of the current. global oil crisis to deter- 
mine who's drlling whom. The best 
effort to date is Anthony Sampson's The 


Seven Sisters ed "The 
Great Oil Compa the World 
They Made" Sampson is an eminent 


British. journalist w re ability to 
milate enormous amounts of histor- 

political and economic data and 
n into readable books. In Seven 
Sisters, he applies his skills to the world 
oil industry from Spindletop to thc 
present, from the early Texas wildeatters 
to the Cadillaccollecting Arabs, and 
brings forth a chronicle that is both 
id numbingly comprehen- 
ght reading it isn't; but for 
one who would begin to understand the 
role oil plays in making and br 
governments and economies, her 
starting point. 


ical 
distill th 


Adam Smith's Powers of Mind (Random 
House) is the perfect book for those 
people who were charter subscribers to 
Psychology Today and renew their sub- 
scriptions every year because they like 
the graphics (you know, those mystical 
flowery ones in purple by the artist who 
went on to illustrate ads for a headache 
edy). Smith, the — pseudonymous 
author of The Money Game and Super- 
money, spent a year and а half. beyond 
the fringe, rapping with yogis, Rollers, 

idheads, scendental medi 
wd Zen sports- 
a Consumer 
d cach 
ightenment, without 
pparent harm.) One of the problems 
with covering the Lguessyou-had-to-be- 
there experience is that you get 


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Smith has one of the hippest cars in the 
business. For example, readin inter 
view with Michael Murphy, we discover 
that before the Esalen Institute became 
for the human-potential move- 
mem, it was owned by the Pentecostal 


the mece 


Church he site had become—unbe- 
knownst to the church—a homosexual 
hangout. Hunter Thompson, later of the 


Fear and Loathing books, was hired as 
a caretaker. "Hunter brought a lot of 
guns,” stid Murphy, ‘and he almost got 
himself killed because he would sit in 
the curetaker's shack firing away at the 


homosexuals who climbed the fence, and 


опе night the window was blasted away." 
church left, The 
s founded." Any book that 
explains Hunter Thompson and gives 
a capsule summary of the past decade 
can't be all bad. 


Thompson escaped. Th 
institute w 


. 
“Why should I regard myself a 
wasted dude?” asks Tennessee Williams, 
almost a third of the way into his Memoirs 
(Doubleday). The « perhaps 
rhetorical, weighs heavily for just 


cstion, 


moment in this ontra 


eous autobiogra- 
phy, undertaken initially for monetary 
have a desire to continue 
and there аге important new project 
he says later, only to cap it with, “My 
God, 1 sound like Nixon." ‘This should 
give you some idea of the  persiflage 
indulged in by America’s 64-year-old pl. 
wright laureate 
ventor of black comedy. 
from his Missouri U freshman-year pro- 
posal of marriage to a girl named 
Hazel, who responded “appreciatively but 
ively.” to an carly homosexual 
айай in 1940. Accompanied by 144 il- 
lustrations, Williams’ loosely organized 
“attempt to constantly 
evanescent quality of existence" 


reasons. "I 


nd scelLacclaimed in- 


I's alb there, 


capture the 
traces 
writing, sexual affairs 


d fox 
Blanche DuBois’ 


and retraces his 


ainst 


ad battle ag drugs. Wil 


li 


is quick to quote 
deliberate cruelty as the ot 
thing’; it would seem 


unforgivable 


that much of 


EON. ? 
DAY ade 


Arlo Guthrie's 
Mercedes 
has the best sound 


, in car stereo. 


Arlo says it's like having his friends playing 
right there in his car. 


That's because Craig Powerplay has three 
times the power of conventional car stereo. 
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PLAYBOY 


34 


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his own hostility has been turned іп. 


ward, with occasional outward flashes 
reserved for interviewers—as when 
“they” want to "get some footage on the 


notorious American playwright, the queer 

one, whose decease will soon give h 

moment of prominence in the medi 
. 


For most of us, Frankenstein is noth- 
ing more than а well-told, hai 
story that ha 
Bur for Les E 
Fear (Scribner's), a 
ing appraisal of the histo 
of honor from The Iliad to The Exorcist, 
Mary Shelley's novel contains a more 
significant message. Says Daniels: “If 
Frankenstein і immortal because of its 
compelling theme, it is still 
largely beciuse of the strange re 


survived the test of time. 


sober 


Both аге rebels; Ul 
ине, and 


his a 


Му readable 
work indudes not only 80 illustrations 
of your favorite vampires 
mad scientists but seven. actual horror 
stories, such as The [mp of the Perverse, 

Allin Poe, and My Favorite 
by Ambrose Bierce. Ironically, 


ogres, 


Daniels has succeeded in making his 
literary appraisals of. these short works 


тап the 


infinitely more interesting 
stories themselves. 
. 
As we hurde ever nearer the apoca- 


lype, our 1 certaimties—death, 
tases, the Jerry Lewis telethon and 
Agatha Christie's newest novel—grow 
fewer. Aud. it appears, that list is to be 
further reduced. In her lest mind 
twist, Curtain (Dodd, Mead). Christie 


draws the literary sheet over her br 
liant Be n, Hercule Poirot; the ec 
centric inspector expires im this story 


п the case. 
wrote this last install 
nd kept it in the wings 
until she decided it was time 10 pull 
the Curtain on her beloved creation, 
lest some hack attempt his further ad 
ventures after her own demise. After 
all, she is 84.) AH the familia Christie 
devices—superbly drawn oddballs and 
ends, distracting clues, false conclusions, 
private moralizing—are 1 
great diverting fun—so n 


and must posthumously expl 
(Indeed, Christi 


ment years ago 


. Curtain is 


ach so that we 
hope. despite the finalities we think 
we've read, that s Poirot. will 
pull off the ultimate twist, trick even 
death aud give all of us who need him 
so much an encore. 


chow 


. 

Somewhere in the literary spectrum 
that extends from fantasy through science 
fiction to the паа» passed out by street 


comer nuts Мез Muminetust (Dell), à mas 


volume first ed 
mn on paranoids the way 


sive thre 
that may well 


п paperback 


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PLAYBOY 


36 


Tolkien turned on romantics. The au- 
thors. Robert Shea, a PLAY nov Senior Edi- 
tor, and Robert Anton Wilson, a former 
PLavnoy editor, have produced a Unified 
Field Theory of Conspiracy that combines 
pornography. politics 
| copious amounts of 
sir; ШШ сеа bullshit. The plot is about 
efforts of 
organizati 
thwart the schemes of other secret con- 
spirator anizations to either free or 


history, philosophy: 


enslave mankind. depending on whi 
con 


ator you believe. It purports to 
bly, every im- 
portant event from the French 
Revolution to the assassination of John 
struggle be- 


and the 


F. Kennedy in terms of th 


tween the Bav 1 Шипи 
Legion of Dynamic Discord and its 
allic—if. in fact, the Erisian Liberation 
Front and the Veterans of the Sexual 
Revolution are allies and not part of the 
other conspiracy, What we haye is a cross 


between a literary acid trip and a political 
tour de farce. 
. 
Political reporters have. of late, become 


fashion of 


bold in thc htfeeding 
carnivores—or scavengers. As long as poli- 
icians were strong and healthy, reporters 
kept pretty much out of sight, routinely 
grinding out stories that took poli 
t their word and living up to all of the 
worst things H. L. Mencken exer said 
about them. These days, politicians are 
like wounded beasts and newsmen are 
giddy with the taste of raw meat. Richard 
Reeves is a good cxample. In A Ford not 
а Lincoln (Harcourt, Brace, Jovanovich), 
Reeves goes alter President Ford tooth 
and claw, not even bothering to apolo- 
gize. What he has to say about Ford is 
id enough. The President, according to 
Reeves, is a medi- 

ocity given to 
easy compromise 
and the path of 
Teast resistance. 


He is in short, a kind of least common 
denominator, the right man for the mo- 
ment when Amcrica finally lost its nerve. 
Reeves is a good storyteller and Ford's 
shortcomings are accurately documented. 


Some of the buffoonery is delicious. Ford, 
for instance, remarking to his personal 
photographer. David Kennerly, “Can you 
imagine, Dave, Nelson [Rockefeller] lost 
thirty million in опе к шыт 
any difference.” 50, Ford is naive 
and typically devious as а pol 
he stokes no fires in the breasts of the 
citizenry. America is weary and Ford per- 
fectly represents the lassitude of the vot- 
ers—and the nonvoters, who represent the 
largest constituency in the nation these 
days, АП this Reeves says and says well. 
Reeves, who comes to all his wisdom 
1 covering 
п the role of 
the p 1 politics, and he 
is OK as far as he goes. But if it dis- 
appoints Reeves that the country 
is ready for Ford, you have to 
wonder how much of that is 
the fault of the press. It was 
John Kennedy and Lyndon 
Johnson, early in his Pres- 
idency. who set us up for 
the fall, and they never 
could have done it 
without the help of the press. Reeves, 
where were you when we really needed 
you? 


DINING-DRINKING 


A terraced walkway of the Cocoa 
ag of Ghirardelli Square in San 
sco has been bricked off, painted 
white, hung with Hungarian folk art 


and delicate green plants, a regal Magyar 
herdsman's coat and pottery and meta- 


morphosed into Paprikos Fono, a Hun- 
garian country inn high above the 
friendly glitter of Aquatic Park and San 
Francisco Bay. "Cooking with love" is 
Laszlo and Paulette. Fono's motto. and 
their goulash (Gulyás)—prepared in a 
thin-walled iron Кеше hung over an open 
fire, in the traditional Hungarian herds- 
man manner, and then served with sour 
cream and chopped scallions and a sweet 
Palacsinta, made with ground 
. or a delicate stru- 
del—fulfills the promise. Mrs. Fono is an 
tic propagator of Hungarian 
witticisms in addition to explanations of 
the cuisine. A reference to dictator Hor- 
try with- 
nger, a 
glittering eye and the remark: "Well. he 
is now smelling the lilies of the valley from 


the bo Expect some Hungarian con- 
versation along with your meals. There 


are the standard specialties, Veal Papri- 
kas. a fantastic Hortobagyi mixed grill 
of tender heel, skewered lamb, Debreceni 
sausage. grilled pork, Esterházy chicken 
livers (not a judgment on the Esterházy 
family but nicely mushroomed and 
wined). Then there is a little menu of 
Vendeglo (little-restaurant) specialties, 
icluding Fish Paprikas, Lamb Tokany, 
mixed Palacsintas (ham, asparagus soufllé 
and mushroom sauce) and a shrimp-on- 


skewerswithawinesauce dish that they 
sentimentally name Adriatic Memories. 
And in case you tire of standard Hungar- 
n. there is also а Сайа (country-inn) 
section of the menu, designed for br 
ands, highwaymen and traveling sales- 
men. Choose, here, 
from Shepherd's 
drill, Gypsy 
Steak, Tran- 
sylvania Cab- 
bage Gulyás 


(a favorite of Bela Lugosi and Mel 
Brooks. по doubt) adis Grill — 
marinated chunks of beef and pieces 
of bacon grilled on skewers with 
a bed of rice and a fresh-mushroom 
sauce. The wine list is mainly Hungarian 
and Californian but suits the powerful 
images of the food. The desserts are 
sweet, with much fruit and cheese and 
1 brandied chocolate, and the es- 
presso is almost strong enough to cut 
through the powerful sleepiness induced 
by p. Pleasure convinces the 
body that there's still time to smell the lil- 
ics of the valley from the top. The Fonos 
opened this restaurant to make amends 
for the transformation of their crepe pal- 
асе, The Magic Pan, into a mass-market 
conglomerate operation. They are for- 
given. Paprikas Fono is open from 11:30 
AM. to LI pat, daily. Bank Americard and 
Master Charge cards are accepted. Reser- 
vations are nor necessary (415-441-1223), 


MOVIES 


Mc 


Novelist Thomas uane has two 
substantial credits as а screenwriter—in 
Frank Perrys Rancho Deluxe and Ar- 
thur Penn's forthcoming The Missouri 
Breaks (with Marlon Brando and Jack 
Nicholson starred). For 92 in the Shade. 
adapted from his own novel. McGuanc 
took on the direciorial chores himself 
What results is another interesting, am 
bitious movie that doesn’t quite work 
out—though its unique personal qual- 
ities are more fun to contemplate than 
piece of surefire formula stull 


many 


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peppery, potent fragrance. Aramis is a complete collection of seventy grooming aids, from shampoos 
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Aramis Inc.: Aramis, Aramis 900, Herbal & Chromatics. 


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38 


from Hollywood's assembly line. Peter 
Fonda and Warren Oates square off 
for a life-and-death confrontation of а 
spoiled young man with good family 
connections—whese whim is to buy a 
skiff with an outboard and become 
ing guide for tourists—and a wild 
veteran guide who views the Florida Keys 
as his private deepwater preserve. M. 
got Kidder, Burgess Meredith. Sylvi; 
Miles, Harry Dean Stanton 
beth Ashley portray а number of raffish 
local characters on both sides of the dis 
pute. and the dialog McGuane puts into 
their mouths is full of fine Southern- 
fried grit. "И turkey was goin’ for ten 
cents а pound,” drawls Oates, “I couldn't 
buy а raffle ticket on a jay bird's ass." 
That sort of thing. McGuane, however. 
makes a movie as if he were still writing 
novels—with too many obscure passages 
(some obscure lighting as well), plus а 
kind of bookish narrative style thar lets 
dramatic tension go utterly slack on 
film. Still there's enough vivid local 
color to fill several movies—largely be- 
cause McGuane knows these outofthe. 
y places and. pcople like the back of 


. 
Lprostitute love story co- 

Burt Reynolds and Catherine 
Deneuve. Hustle borrows bits and pieces 
of better movies as if some of their dis 
tinctive s might rub off. At one 
point, producer-director Robert Aldrich 
(whose works run the gamut from What 
Ever Happened to Baby Jane? to The 
Longest Yard) hopefully whisks his stars 
into a theater to watch the romantic cli- 
max of A Man and a Woman onscreen, 
Reynolds and Deneuve don't achieve any 


such heights in this contrived, deliberate 
detective thriller, but they пу, by God— 
brawling and bawling with lush orches: 
tral accompaniment and occasionally gen 
erating a spark of real electricity, even 
though their voltage systems may strike 
you as out of sync (often the case when 
an American live wire comes into direct 
contact with а sophisticated Parisian fix 
шге). “The divinely beautiful Deneuve 


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like beautiful Marilyn Lange, PLAYBOY'S Playmate of the 
Year 1975. 

It's a great gift to give. So easy —just complete and mail 
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[ШИА а ан | 


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loses very little. however, 
to English —and displ: sultry 
shadow of her role. several seasons ago. 
5 а sleek part-time prostitute in Luis 
Butiuel’s brilliant Belle de Jour. Reynolds 
is just Reynolds, running true to for- 
mula as ап L.A. cop who finds it tough 
to love а whore and even tou 
cept the values of his workaday world, 
where the high and mighty get away with 
minder while society's born losers simply 
multiply their loses. The case at hand 
concerns a de: а 1 who has 
been into drugs, porno Hicks and. private 
gies at the estate of a political Mr. Big 
ddie Albert) who has allies on both. 


lug who yearns for 
Dizzy Dx „ Artie Shaw and Bogart were 
of the hour, Burt seems much 
100 blunt and. one-dimensional. And he 
throws away scenarist Steve Shagan’ 
ventionally snappy d 
loved you . . . 1 smell your goddamned 
ume all day long") as if he were get- 


con- 


ng honors fall to Ben Johnson and 
Eileen Brennan, who play the trouble- 
some, plot-provoking parents of the dead 
They provide some moments of 
ity truth in a high-gloss Hollywood 
melodrama that is competent, even se 
minded—yet essentially no more 0 
hesh application of cosmetics on the old 
pacan to the whore with a heart of gold. 
. 

Echoes of а Summer teams Richard Harris 
and Lois Nettleton as the helpless, 
happy parents of 
(Jodie Foster) who is dying of heart 
disease. “What do we say to our daugh- 
ter on her last birthday’ asks Hanis. 
Well, no question gets a straight. answer 
during the bleak, prefuneral ceremonies 
devised. by writer-producer Robert L. 
Joseph and director Don Taylor. Let 
the doomed child ask. “What is rain?” 
is is compelled to intone darkl 
п comes down—that’s all 1 know. 
describes | 


nups accept th 
calls for many a brave smile 
sob. The end approaches—but ve 
very slowly—in a fine old m 
picturesque coast of Nova 
fabulous seuing lor a 

tragedy 


t role of his career 
in Hearts of the West, Jeff Bridges gradu- 
ates from the “promising” category and 
shows a previously untapped talent. for 
farcical comedy brash Towa farm 
boy named Lewis Tater, who yearns to 
be a big Western writer like Zane Grey— 
but ends up in early Thirties Hollywood, 
playing cowboy roles. Abetted by Blythe 
D: s a director's plucky girl Frid. 
Andy Griffith as a down-on-hisluck bit 


Handed the jui 


player and Alan Arkin in a hilarious 
stint as а fre apskate director, 
Bridges shoulders his way through some 
droll satirical vignettes about the movi 
making of yore. Either he's lousing up 
gun fights or he's quite literally busting 
his balls by leaping into the saddle from 
a second-story window. He also talks 

nda crazy outdoor-cpic dialog: А poss 
of Hollywood and-Vine 


tells it, “found me 
and thirsty. . . .” He's 
dering with several thousand dollars 


“hot” mor advertently stolen from 
of vengeful con men. Which 
brings up the sticky problem of plot. 
Written by fledgling scenarist Rob 
Thompson aud directed with cheeky 


ndon by Howard Zieff (whose first 
effort was an oddball spoof called 
Slither), Hearts of the West has the kind 
of sloppy, unsatislying last ree] often 
icked onto a movie when six other end- 
ags didn't work. There are also some 
pretty arbitrary plot twists, so mysteri 
ously motivated that who's who becomes 
d to figure as what's what. This, 
then, is a movie to savor im bits and 
pieces without expecting too much over 
the long haul. 


Smashing an int 
in Sydney. Australia, isiness 
foot in The Dragen Flies, which should not 
be mistaken for just another standard 
Kung Fu fracas. Written and directed at 
a breakneck pace by Brian Trenchard 
Smith. Dragon Flies exploits a phenom- 
cnon known Jimmy Wang Yi 
black belt karate champion from Sh 
hai and the most spectacular Oriental 
superstar since the late Bruce Lee. Wang 
Yu has become а multimillionaire 
matinec idol in the mysterious East, be- 
cause he performs all his own stunts— 
he was hospitalized dur film's 
shooting when he stalled out and 


ional drug ring 
s the 


crashed in а hang slider. He's no slouch 
when he pl ts down the side of a 
skysaraper by rope. either. Unlike the 
chaste Kung Fu masters, he also shows 
his stuff in bed, with two comely belles 
under (Ros Spiers and Rebec 
You're my first Chine 
informs him, George 
shot at playing James Bond in On Her 
Majesty's Secret 
bad guy who is bombed out of his high 
ple, airborne Inspec- 
ng Yu). While this 
шс of fast action 
ry purpose 
glorify the art ol 
g Yu is a name 
certain to he preserved for posterity on 


lots of 7 s. 


her 


For а comedian so richly gifted, Peter 
Sellers gets himself into a surpri 
number of underprivileged movi 


ar his worst within recent memory is 
The Great McGonagall, in which he plays 
Queen with knockabout 


comic Spike Milligan in the title role 

as а weaver who gave up everything to 

become a god-awful, impoverished poet 
Though McGonagall reunites Sellers 
with some of his colleagues from The 
Show—an outrageous ancestor of 
Monty Python—the results are 
atrocious and generally incom- 
prehensible to anyone bur a die 
d devotee of British-music-hall 
japery. In Undereovers Hero, Sellers 
aces somewhat. better. odds play- 
ing six roles—as a French gen- 
. an English spy, а Gestapo 
chief, Adolf. Hitler, a Japa- 
sc general and the pres- 
lent of France. With so 
many opportunities open 
to him, Sellers can't miss milking 

a few yoks fiom director Коу Bouking’s 
her clumsy World War Two farce. set in 
а Parisian brothel during the Occupation. 


The girls are luscious, but the gags go 
fat. АП in all, it's a Sellers market stocked 


with cut rate merchandi: 


»Jewish inm 
grants on Manhattan's Lower East Side 
in 1896 is the subject of Hester Street 
so-called ethnic 
excited bidding 
tors, despite its warm reception сагі 
this year at film festivals in. Cannes and 
Dallas. To hardheaded movie exces, of 
couse, ethnic spells boxoffice poison. 
Te will be too bad if public apathy proves 
them right. for Hester Street is an ex- 
ceptionally beautiful piece of work by 
writer-director Joan Micklin Silver (in 
dependently produced by her husband, 


mong m 


Raphael D. Silver). Her sensitive adap- 
tation of a short story by Abraham 
n amounts to а warm and lyrical 

ion of what America is sup- 


d if poetic ju 


43 


PLAYBOY 


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ruled the Lind, public figures would be 
singling out Hester Street as a Bicen 
tennial milestone film instead of wasting 
their time, and ours. on Pioneer Day 
parades and commemorative pageants 
Photographed in black and white for 
a look of oll New York authenticity 
that never slips into trendy nostalgia 
the story focuses upon four young Jew 
ish immigrants who learn thit Amer 
shops. irreligion 
1, disintegrating 
Ahead. Jake and 

arol Kane) are 
а pair of mismated young marrieds—he 
a ph ing opportunist, she a strictly 
Kosher house mouse. \ ie (Dorrie 
Kavanaugh) is a swinging sewing 
machine girl with more advanced ideas. 
while Bernstein the boarder (marvelously 
played by Mel Howard, head of graduate 
film studies at New York University) 
studies the Talmud and rues the day he 
left Russia. “A pox on Columbus,” he 
declares. “When you get on the boat. 
you should say. Goodbye, O Lord. 
I'm going to America." Doris Roberts. 
as an insistently helpful neighbor, keeps 
e with a superlative м doesn't 
ppear to be acting at Even 
Капез entrancing performance as C 
lingers in the mind like a refrain ol 
old music and will probably still echo 
when Ше nest prize-givin 
around. Though it p 
flinching portrait of Jew 
Hester Street's abundant humor 
peal and simple humanity are un 

. 
The Man Who Would Not Die transports 


Keenan Wynn, Aldo Ray, Dorothy 
Malone and heman Alex Sheafe to 
the Caribbean for a mystery melodramı 


complete with menacing sharks. а hid. 
den cache of cash and some business 
about à corpse that may be a case of 
identity. Ignore such minor 
s mostly a fullengih 
screen test for Sheafe, who could well be 
the winn be runnerup in a 
Burt Reynolds look He's 
tall, dull and handsome. leave 
your money on Burt. 
. 

Filmed in New Guinea. The Valley Ob- 
seured by Clouds is French writer-director 
Barbet Schroeder's exotic essay on the 
search for an earthly paradise by a group 
ropeans, disciples. it seems, 
lo profundity. Bulle 
wile seek 
tion and lost innocence 
among the flower people. While The 
Valley's more ambitious ideas ring hol- 
low, there are eclectic fringe benefits: he 
scenery, tourist’seye views of tribal lile 
musical score by Pink 


or m. 
like contest. 
Better 


ench consul 


Floyd 
б 

directed а Swedish 
a performance ol 


In 
opera 


ar Bergmai 
company in 


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Mozart's The Magic Flute as a film [or tele- 
vision, adding a few pleasant Bergman- 
esque touches—resless actors. backstage 
between scenes, audience faces of every 
age, race and sex, all flushed with an- 
pation of an acknowledged musical 
masterpiece. The production itself, only 
slightly expanded for the screen by cine- 
matographer Sven Nykvist, is more com- 
petent than brilliant, though wi 
shorn of traditional operatic flourishes 
to make a classic accessible to millions 
‘of moviegoers. Mozart. is unmistakably 
the master hero, yet Bergman's self- 
effacing act of homage adds another di- 
т to his genius. 
. 

The Sonshine Beys on film sparkles with. 
persuasive new evidence, though none 
was needed. that George Bu 
т of understatement and bull's-cye 
comic timing. As the morc amiable half 
of the famous vaudeville duo Lewis and 
Clark (patterned after Smith and Dale), 
dragged out of retirement to resurrect 
one classic sketch for a TV comedy spe- 
s acts at least a decade older 
ageless offscreen self. His dead- 
ished performance as AL 
y. however, that it may 
be obliterated by Walter 


mens 


appear to 
Matthau's tour de force as the irascible 


Willy Clark. But only 
for Burns, like all great s 


glance— 


n on which 
into 


provides the sol 
belly laughs 
Matthau is hi 
style, playing (and occ. 
playing) a feisty old has-been who lodges 
in a second-rate Broadway hotel, devours 
his weekly Variety, hopes for a comeback, 
yet flubs the lines when his agent nephew 
(Richard Benjamin) wangles him a try- 
out for a potato-chip commercial. The 
one thing he doesn't want—he keeps 
i a reunion with his former 


tickled 
ious in а 


partner, now happily 1 
daughter and gi 
lds of New Jerse 

рст» 
dotag 


g with his 
dehikren in the 
How these two 
become an odd 
is cunningly sc 
Sunshine Boys, which сот. 
lots of pure showbiz 
affection for the verbal 


nes 


vy with enormous 
nd visual crotchets 


praise for Benjamin to say that he more 
than holds his own as Willy's desperate. 
¢. Adapted by play 
sell and direcied 
y competence by Herbert (Funny 
Girl, Funny Lady and several more frivo- 
lous efforts) Ross, Sunshine Boys is every 
thing it was meant to be у 
hearts Broadway hit, transferred 
to the screen cloud. of stardust that 
should effectively mask any minor flaws. 


m 


CHECKING IN WITH 
GEORGE BURNS 


George Burns, at 79, has a birthday 
due th and appears to be 
pushing 80 as if it were a tiddlywink. 
En route to an engagement at London's 
Palladium, Burns, who plays а role 
nally slated for his late great chum, 
Jack Benny, in Sunshine Boys, touched 
down in Manhattan. rıayvoy caught up 
with him over lunch (two gibsons and a 
plate of scrambled eggs) at the Fri 
Club, where Burns talked about ihe 
movie, the past, smut in show business, 
sex айе: 70 and his impendi: 
biography—all in a snap, crackle and 
nonstop delivery. 

Speaking of his colleagues from Sun- 
shine Boys, Burns skims past voluptuous 
Lee Meredith as "that dame with three 
tits" calls author Simon "the. world’s 
greatest writer . . . his royalties prove 
it” and Mauhau “a born loser... but 
only when he's gambling. Mathau 
great guy and a great actor. He wore а 
lot of makeup. since we play a couple 
of old-time vaudevillians, and as soon as 

at his wrinkles on, he'd start 
aches and pains. I had to help 
him into his chair." 
ctor Ross, Burns reports with ob 
s glee, was а bit concerned 
he would зе 


next mc 


auto 


out how 


t to his first film role as a 


character other than George Burns. 
day on the set, Ross told. Matth: 
you can help Burns loosen up а 


Walter stood behi 


the works. Thar 
and F noticed he was 


loosened me up - 
pretty loose himsel 
Пу, Burns says he was never 
ing is simple. You knock oi 
‘Open the door, coi 
pod. actor 
Honolulu, 


Like nothing else. 


Now. Stacked leather heels. 

A real down-to-earth boot. And a great fit that goes right down to the 
In leather that feels butter smooth, but all-new frontier toe. 

has the muscle to keep on going. The price is down-to-earth, too. 

The new Dingo Brigade Collection. Because with Dingo, 


With double leather soles. you get more boot for less bucks. » 
We also moke Acme an 9 


For the store neorest you, write: Acme Boot Co. Inc. Dept. DBIS, Clorksuile, Tenn. 37040. A subsidiary of Northwest Industries, Inc. 


47 


PLAYBOY 


48 


=== EUREKA! 


From time to time 
discoveries are made which 
alter the state of the art. 

The В.І.С. Venturi" 
speaker contains three such 
discoveri 

Two of them are now 
under patent application and 
on July 1, 1975, US. Pat No. 
3,802,288 was granted covering 
the third — the B.I.C. Venturi 
principle, which acoustically 
transforms low velocity air 
motion inside the enclosure 
into high velocity air motion, 
creating a cleaner and more 
efficient modest-sized speaker 
than previously possible. 

These innovations 
produce a speaker of startling 
efficiency ...a speaker that 


delivers more sound per watt 
than any speaker of 


comparable size... a speaker 
which gives more accurate 
reproduction at low listening 
levels. ..a speaker with better 
sound dispersion, giving you 
much more freedom when 
positioning speakers in a room, 
hout compromising the 
stereo image. 609 


"These innovations | T] 


are unique. They are 

innovations you can 

hear. та 
C VENTURI 

And they are advantages 
that aren't nearly as expensive 
as you'd expect. 

For our new С insumer 
Guide, which gives more 
details, see your audio dealer 
or write to ("bee-eye-cee") e/o 
B.LC. Venturi, Westbury, L.I., 
N.Y. 11590. 


H.LC VENTURI IS A TRADEMARK OF BRITISH 
INDUSTRIES CO. A DIVISION OF AVNET INC. ©1975 


а 1959 MGM musical starring Eleanor 
Powell (he currently tells interviewers: 
“They must have liked me, because 
they asked me back to do another one"). 
But the tcam of George Burns and 
Gracie Allen has never really gone out 
of our thanks 
to television reruns and the 

radio-nostalgia craze ("On 
radio, we were always 
among the top ten. We 
couldn't miss , . . there 


consciousness, 


were only eight other 
acts”). Since Gracie's d 
in 1964, 


tube, in 
and in Las Vegas. paired 


the concerts 
with the likes of 
Carol Channing, 
Connie 
Stevens, 
Doroth 
Provine and 
Russell. 
^L didn't need 
to retire. 1 
was retired 
when 1 worked 
with Gracie. 
AIL I had to do 
racie, how's your 

Then she'd talk for 20 min- 
ıd when she got laughs, I got 
To recapture those laughs, there's 
a move afoot to create a new George and 
ie show, with new faces. "I guess 
to bring it up to date,” cr 
"have "em smoking marijuan: 
Burns, Whose cigars are as much а part 
of him as his tidy toupee, is down to 
smoking six or seven or possibly 15 а 
day since he underwent open-heart sur- 
gery last year. He favors El Producto, 
good two-bit cigar," and uses a holder. 
Lighting up. he grins а wicked endorse- 
ment of his vice. "А fella my age,” he says, 
“has to hold on to something, You'll notice 
I'm a very neat smoker. No wet ends. 
Саза like wet ends." 

Questioned about his book, which will 
be published by Putnam, Burns an- 
nounced that he's chosen a title: I'm Still 
Doing It. Doing what? He won't say, exact- 
ly, “Let 'em make of it what they will. Life 
n at 40. 
. . maybe some- 


didn’ 


is damned good, and it doesn't b 


My book is about now 
body will think it’s sexy. At my age, you 
take a bow before you start. H 1 jump into 
bed with a naked girl, she'd better be able 
to sing harmony. Actually, it’s nice to be 
my аре. 1 can do as 1 please, because Гуе 
already had everything . - . headaches, 
dandruff, gonorrl 

Blunt language and ribald tales may 
roll ofl his tongue in private, but Burns 
keeps his onstage act squeaky dean. 
“There are only about 31 dirty words, 
anyway, and Buddy Hackett’s got them 
all. For my London opening, ГШ be 
working with 12 beautiful girls. Т come 
ош and say things like . . . well, I'll say, 


‘Theres a hole in the wall between the 
ladies’ dressing room and mine. I've been 
meaning to plug it up.” Then ГЇ say. 
“Ah, what the hell . . . let "em enjoy them- 
selves.” Thats about as dirty as 1 get. 
Though 1 don't give а damn what any- 
body does, I guess I'm a prude 
at heart, Even if Tm home 
alone, 1 dose the door 
when 1 go to the bath- 
room.” 

Burns's wry asides, 
tossed off as if he were 
clearing his throat of 
gravel, have kept him 

in the limelight for 

10 yens. And 
таге conversa- 
tional gap that Burns can- 
not fill, or at 


least fool 
around. 

with, He 

may tell the 
one about the 


lady he met iu 
the elevator at his 
who stared him 
Just as we got to the 
ground. floor, she said, “It’s 
to be im an elevator with a 
I told her—buc 


who the 
«m bout people langhi 
too hard." he "Personally, 1 prefe 
laughing casy. I don't like to go to a 
movie where you have to put on 
strap so you don't rupture yourself.” By 
Burns's standards, however, very few cur- 
rent movies turn out to be groin grab 
bers. "Mostly, you don't understand the 
plot. You can't even guess the plot. The 
usher explains it to you on the way out.” 
Between performances, Burns lives in 
his house in California with two small 
ats. “The cats like me,” he says. "OI 
course, they don’t know Fm Jewish.” 
He naps in the afternoon, plays bridge 
wo hours a day and wears dapper but 
conservative. California clothes, eschew 
ing the Hollywood vogue for j "rm 
not doing well ei blue 
je 
fella can't have wrinkles on 
To keep fit, Burns alleges, "I go out a 
lot with gorgeous young girls, Maybe 
some of their youth rubs off on mc. 1 
help them with their homework. If they 
get straight A's, ГИ marry "em. One day. 
a woman columnist walks up to me in a 
Hollywood restaurant. and says, "George. 
isn't that girl a little young for you 
said, she is—but she promised to 
put me in show business." 


ugh о w 


foment! 


is. Besides, they're too 


en death is a comedy bit for this 


Sunshine Boy. "When I do go. 1 plan to 
take my music with me. I don't know 
what's out there, but 1 want to be sure 


it’s in my key- 


EN ү, 


TREAT YOURSELF — 
TO THE PLAYBOY, 
CLUB HOLIDAY ; 
GIFT KEY! 


Give a friend a Playboy Club Holiday Gift 
Key and you're giving a whole year of 
fun and excitement . . . PLUS $10 in 
Bunny Money and a Playboy Bar Tool 
Set or a Playmate cash Key. And your 
friend may pick up either PLAYBOY or 
OUI at the Club each month. That's a 
gift that's hard to beat! 
A Playboy Club Key is an invitation to 
good times everywhere in the Playboy 
world. The Club is a great place for 
lunch or to meet friends at day's 
end, the perfect setting for a lei- 
surely dinner and lively entertain- 
ment. And a keyholder is 
always welcomed as a valued 
friend. The Playboy Club 
now honors most major 
credit cards, too. 
So treat your friends now 
to a Playboy Club Holi- 
day Gift Key. All it costs 
is $25. And at the end of 
the first year. a keyholder 
has the opportunity to re- 
new the Key for a second 
year for just $10. 
To order the Playboy Club 
Holiday Gift Key package, 
simply complete and return 
the postage-paid card or 
„ the coupon on this page. 
, And while you're taking care 
Á of all those lucky friends, 
why not treat yourself? 


With a Playboy Club Key, 
keyholders may pick ир“ 
PLAYBOY or OUI at the Club 
at no charge—at least a 
$15.50 value onthe news- 
stand! 


A certificate* re- 

deemable for either 

a Playboy Bar Tool 

Set, to add the 

Playboy touch to á A 3 Р 

home entertaining, OR а ; $10 in Bunny 
Playmate cash Key, to open the world of Playboy M 

lo that very special friend. 


«e to order the Playboy Ciub Holiday Gift Key Packagels) indicated 
send the Key application(s) right away! Each Playboy Club Holiday == 
(y Package includes S10 in Bunny Money", а certificate" redeemable fo; МУ name (please print) 
the Playboy Bar Tool Set or the Playmete cash Key and PLAYBOY or OUI may be 
picked up at the Club (choice of either one every month for 12 consecutive — — 
ү months). The Playboy Club Holiday Gift Key Package is only $25. At the end Address Apt. No. 
OF the first year there will bo an opportunity lo топом the Key for a second year 
1 for only 510. 
1 Please complete: Uy State Zip 
1 O 1 want a Gift Key for myself. [D Enclosed is a check for S. for Playboy Club Holiday Gift Key 
ГО The Gift Key is for the friend listed below. Packages. 
П or C Ви me later. 
or O Charge to my Playboy Ciub credit Key no. | | Î 
Use separate sheet of paper to order additional Gilt Keys. 


Friend's Name 5 please print) 


N 

Api No. 3 Bunny Money is not j 
т 1 ey. Magazines cannot be obtained 

by mail: other arrangements are made when Clubs are temporarily closed. t 


Zip__ Oller expires January 31, 1976. OUI cover ©) 1974, Playboy Publications. — ABSL, 


A LOT OF 
MILES PER GALLON. 


Datsun's gas economy is nothing new. 
We've been building economy cars for 43 
years, and we seem to get better with age. 

Take our 1976 Datsun B-210 for example. 
The EPA did. Their latest fuel economy tests 
record the B-210 at 41 MPG on the highway, 
29 in the city. (*EPA dynamometer estimate 


with manual transmission. Actual MPG may 
be more or less, depending on the condition 
of your car and how you drive.) That's better 
than last year, and for an economy star that's 
reallv saying something! So when you think 
of mileage. think of Datsun. Fourteen mod- 
els, to fit every driving need. 


41 MPG ON THE HIGHWAY. 29 MPG IN THE CITY. 


1976 Datsun B-210 Hatchback 


A LOT OF 
MILES PER CAR. 


Datsun's durability is nothing new. 
You probably passed three or four Datsun 
510s today like the mellow '69 shown here. 
Of all Datsuns sold in this country for the 
past 16 years, 9 out of 10 are still on the road! 

We make sure Datsuns last by building in 
durability features not found on many com- 
parable cars. Example: Aluminum heads 


dissipate heat faster and contribute more to 
engine life than do cast iron heads. Datsuns 
have aluminum heads. Example: Unibody 
construction is more rattle-free and durable 
than bolt-on construction. Datsun cars have 
unibody. Example: 60 Amp/Hr. batteries 
give more dependable starts than 45 or 50 
Amp/Hr. Datsuns come with 60 Amp/Hr. 
batteries. We could go on and on. 

Add to Datsun durability a nationwide, 
computer-connected parts system. Plus a 
dealer network with nearly 4,000 highly 
trained technicians. To be sure, no one can 

promise 100,000 trouble-free miles. 
But we're working on it. 


Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined 
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. 


16 mg. "tar," 1.0 mg. nicotine; 
ву. per cigarette, ЕТС Report Apr. 75 


corr) 


THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 


Eve been dating my latest girlfriend for 
about a month. We met while 1 was 
working at a bar. At first, it was fairly 
«аву to converse—I suppose because there 
was a counter between us, and whenever 
1 got stuck for something to say, I could 
tend to some small tisk behind the bar 
and thus conceal my shyness, However, 

d 1 arc 
stantly 10 be searching for a subject to 
talk about. 1 become so self-conscious try- 
ing to impress her that what | end up 
ing is not enjoyable for either of us. 1 keep 
trying 10 live up to the image of a witty 
mun about town: the result is frust 
estions?—A. M. Saginaw, 


when she a 


It’s not. your job to do all of the 
talking, or even half of it. (We thought 
bartenders were professional listeners.) 
The vivant, with a 
pocketful of mots justes, is а Hollywood 
invention: If you've paying scriptwriters, 
you expect 10 hear something for your 
money. The slandard dors not 
apply to dates. Most women can do with- 
out that kind of manic monolog (cf. 
Joni Mitchells line: “The times you 


wisecracking bon 


same 


impress me том are the times when 
you don't try"). For the time being, 
schedule actinties that don't demand. 


conversation or that, at least, supply a 


topic—concerts, sports, sex. A famous 


wag once wrote, "Love means never 
having to say a goddamn thing.” When 


asked 10 cavify his remark, he veplied- 
“H is impolite, if not impossible, to talk 
with your mouth full.” 


Dus 


these are 
An old 
who was imo bondage and disci- 
sures of 
xk) displeasure. I've grown tired 
ships; like a reader 
who returns to paperback murder mys 
teries. I say to hell with n ng. 1 
want entertainment, Call it ature, 
but the pure simplicity of a slave-master 
relationship is dramatic. T enjoyed learn- 
g her lesons of love. Unforumately, 
the girl moved to the East Coast, taking 
with her the implements of instruction. 
Since then, I've tried 10 find other ways 
of wheuing my appetite for discipline. 
Commerc shments seem 10 be 
the best bet. Los Angeles papers are 
filled with ads for houses of d ion 
that humil ar, 
t jackets, the works. One 
ve 


chain 


whips 


the props of my erotic fantasi 
lover 


of normal rel; 


сма) 


min; 


leatherwi 


promise 
ideufls, str 
lady chims to h 
motorized cros,” whatever is. Гуе 
called their numbers, but no one ever 


h: 


ional 


Los Angel 


swers, What give? —Q. V 
Califor 

Perhaps the ladies are tied чр and 
can't come 10 the phone, Sexual classi- 
fied ads arewt exactly reliable. (Stay 
Mined jor Dan Greenburg's article on 
perverse personals in next month's 
PLAYBOY.) Although outright bondage 
and discipline (as opposed to casual 
knot tying and mild reproach) have be- 
come fashionable wilh movies such as 
“Defiance” and "Story of O,” aficionados 
still have to show restraint. We can't 
say the odds favor success: English tutors 
are hard to come by, or beneath, or 
whatever, Still, keep trying. (Drop us a 
note if you find out what the sensational 
motorized cross does.) Have you con- 
sidered converting your basement 10 а 
playroom? You could invite a lady over, 
tell her that the house was previously 
owned by а rather strange couple, segue 
into “I wonder how this works,” etc. 
For additional details, watch any made- 
Jor-TV. movie. For props, contact The 
Pleasure Chest, 1022 North La Brea, Los 
Angeles, California. 
worst, you can always dress up like a 
Bernard and enroll. in 
obedience school. 


If worst comes 10 


Saint animal 


Recognizing my belie! that cognac is 
really a love potion for adults, my girl- 
friend wants to buy an expensive crystal 
decanter so I can store my supply on top 
Г my bar, to be admired at all times. 
FH admit that it would look very nice, 
being the sort of thing that Olivier al- 
ned to have handy in Sleuth, 
but I'm wondering if that's Y Шу the 


ways se 


best way to store cognac. Wh 
think?—D. F., Portland, Oregon. 

Assuming that you like cognac as 
much as your leiter implies, the bottle 
shouldn't last long enough for exposure 
10 the elements (air and sunlight, in this 
case) lo be much of a problem. This is 
especially tue of moderately priced co- 
gnac, costing, say, under 515 a bottle. 
Beyond that, however, several factors 
should be taken into account. Exposure 
10 sunlight can bleach the cognac. In- 
deed, very old boitles аге often reported 
lo be very pale, almost straw colored, 
even after being properly stored. This 
ds especially true when the liquor. is 
sored in clear, rather than smoked or 
dark glass. In addition, exposure 10 air, 
which will occur when you decant the 
cognac, causes the taste to break down 
and the alcohol to evaporate. Therefore, 
decant only the amount you think you'll 
nse at one night's sitting and leave the 
st in the botile stored in a dark place 
You might also wish to do your drinking 
in а dark or softly lit тоот. Not that it 
ill impr the cognac—only the flavor 
of the evenin 


t do you 


ДА ies months ago. The Playboy Advisor 
mentioned that about 75 percent of the 
women who participated in foursomes 
engaged in some form of homosex 
activity. 1 wonder about the opposite— 
maletomale interaction. in such encoun 
ters My wife and D have been happily 
munried for a little over five years. We 
have enjoyed sexual escapades with 
other couples. On several occasions, 
while the women embraced, the other 
male and I abo petted and even per- 
formed oral stimulation on cach. other 
Т may sound nuts, but it seems to me 
that the experiences involving male- 
male activity were the most fulfilling — 
everyone was into everyone else. My wife 
thinks the a of guys 
demonstrating appreciation for each oth- 
er is magnificent and very matu 
ever, because of prior conditioning 
still have doubis and some guilt fee 
My question: Am I bise: 
Ашина, Georgia 

No; you're a registered’ Democrat. The 
problem with any label is that it includes 
people with whom you wouldn't. be 
caught in the same тоот. Bisexual is an 
adequate word to describe a person who 
is as turned on by a person of ihe same 
sex as by a person of the opposite sex. 
Trés chic, but in certain parts of the 
country, ihat could get you well hung. 
Since all of your activity has taken place 
in crowds, rather (han in one-on-one en- 
counters, you might be more comfortable 


whole id 


two. 


53 


PLAYBOY 


54 


F Have a picnic. 
| Surprise someone 
special with a 
' Vintage™set. 
We've captured 
the flourishes of 
the Florentine Era 
in precious metals 
for this impeccable 
gift from the Sheaffer 
collection. The any 
time, any place gift. 


ө 
SHEAFFER. 


SHEAFFER, WORLD-WIDE, A iaxirofi COMPANY 


with а word that makes your bias clear. 
Try octopedaphile—someone who gets 
off on sex in a room where there ате 
eight legs. Of course, уон may be con 
fused with the guy who likes to watch his 
wife make it with a Shetland pony, but 
that's life. 


Clountercutture chemists have come up 
with something called MDA lias the 
Mellow Drug of America. Supposedly, it 
increases sexual exciteme 


nd generates 


warm. diffused feeling of happiness 
Take the love drug and no one is a st 
ger. I've heard it described as а combin 
tion of mescaline and speed. of mescaline 
and cocaine. of dehydrated Coors beer and 
champagne. Can you tell me more about 
the stuf?—B. S.. Fort Lauderdale, Florida 

Methylenedioxyamplictamine (MDA) 
was first synthesized in 1910. At various 


times, it has been tried ax а сизе Jor Par 
kinson’s disease, as an appetite suppressant 
and as a potential cure for epilepsy. It 
proved ineffective and was put on the 
shelf but not. apparenily. out of reach of 
Фи -сийите mad scientists. Chemically, 
MDA is similar to mescaline and speed 
Officially classified as a hallucinogen, it 
stimulates the central nervous system and 
increases tactile sensitivity. (MDA freaks 
have been known to stand in the shower 
Jor hours getting off on the water. And 
who said hippies aren't clean?) The drug 
also creates а sense of euphoria, closeness, 
warmth and aesthetic enjoyment. It tends 
to make people taik, though the spontane- 
ous reminiscences do not have the mythic 
or symbolic import of LSD тарх. However, 
MDA is not a head of roses. As with any 
stimulant, an overdose can prove fatal 
There is no evidence in drug literature of 
damage resulting from chronic use, but 
that may be due to the lack of tests. The 
drug is strictly street made and street 
sold—there is no pharmaceatical-qualily 
MDA. A study conducted last. year те 
vealed that sticel MDA is relatively pure 
(only ten percent of the samples proved to 
be something else, compared with а 38 per- 
cent counterfeit vate [or LSD and a 68 per 
cent rip-off rate for speed). Sometimes the 
drug is cul with atropine. LSD and am 
phetamine. If the bathtub chemist makes 
„the result may be PMA—a high 
ly toxic and generally fatal drug. Enough 
said? The best love drug is a loaf of bread, 
а jug of wine and a cassette tape recorder 


a mista 


singing beside you in the wilderness. 


ММ... aia cull butions on men’s coats 


become popul 


1 have heard th 


Napoleon had butons sewn on his 


from 


anny’s uniforms to keep his me 
wiping their noses on their sleeves, Can 
you confirm or deny the tale?—S. M. 
Del Mar, California. 

No, we can only embroider the lack 
of facts. Most clothing historians attrib: 
ule the popularity, but not the invention, 


ow the English 
eep dry 


Д КОЮШУ 
LINDEN N.) - PIRIN RON ON A. 


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о better Bloody Mary, 
it makes a better everything. 


Gin Bloody Mary: 1¥2 ozs. Gordon's Gin, 3 ozs. 
tomato juice, juice of Уз lime wedge. Stir well over ice. 


Gordon's Gin. Largest seller in England, America, the world. 


PRODUCT OF USA 100% NEUTRAL SPIRITS OISTLLED FRON GRAN € PROOF GORDONS DRY GIN CO. LIO. LINDEN, NI 


55 


PLAYBOY 


New! 
Cameras That 
understand you 


Most camera manufacturers expect 
you lo learn to understand their 
Cameras 

But not Pentax. 

Our new K series of 35mm SLR 
cameras were designed to under- 
stend you. 

All three of these new K series 
cameras have been "human engi- 
neered." A new bayonet mount 
locks lenses in place in less than 
one-quarter turn. And lets you 
change lenses so easily, you can 
do it without even looking. And, of 
course, gives you the precision and 
quality of world-famous Pentax 
screwmount lenses. The meter on 
two of these cameras is activated 


New silicon photo diode 
reacts instantly to changing 
light conditions. 


Meter activation coupled 
to film advance lever and 
shulter release button 

for more foolprool operation 


New, exclusive 5-biaded 
titanium shutter 


Electronically-selected 
shutter speec— 
1/1000 to B-sec. 


by the shutter release switch, which 
has been ingeniously coupled to 
the film advance lever. for foolproot 
operation. And the camera bodies 
have been redesigned for a more 
natural feel and easier use. 

As you would expect, the new K 
series of cameras is a lot more than 
just three cameras. It's a whole fam- 
ily that includes 26 matching lenses 
and more than 200 other accessory 
items. 

Discover the cameras that under- 
stand you. See your Honeywell 
photo dealer for complete details. 
Or detach and mail the coupon for a 
free 12-page color brochure 


The new all-electronic 
Asahi Pentax K2 


N‏ سم 


Yes 


I'd like to know more about cameras 


that understand me. Please send free 12-page brochure. 


NAME. 


CITY. E 


STATE 


P. = 


MAIL TO: Honeywell Photographic, Dept. 106-632, F.O. Box 22083, Denver, CO 80222 


1 
1 
1 
1 
1 
r ADDRESS. 
1 
| 
Ц 
1 
I 


Honeywell 


of euf} buttons to Napoleon. They even 
give the reason you mention. Then. as 
so often happens with apocryphal ance 
dotes, the story comes apart at the scams 
There are those who claim that the 
reason is vight but someone other than 
Napoleon thought of й. (Tom Wolfe?) 
Yel another story—our favorile—gives 
credit to natty Nappy but for a different 
reason. It seems that Napoleon's ec 
centric cousin, Grebasz Bonaparte, had 
а fondness for squeezing the genitals of 
soldiers he inspected. As you know, but- 
ton flies weve the only thing in use at the 
time. By ordering. buttons sewn on his 
men's sleeves, Napoleon was able to trick 
Grebasz into a harmless handshake two 
Times out of three. That's polities. 


V. it possible to will an erea 
Des Moines, lo 

Yes, but the inheritance taxes ave in 
credible. Actually, it depends on how you 
define will. (Philosophers have been at 
й for centuries; we'll setlle for a meaning 
that includes some degree of self-control; 
ie., the ability to take your life in your 
own hands.) Sexologist Wardell Pomeroy 
tells of a subject who claimed he could 
go [rom complete laccidity to erection to 
ejaculation in less than ten seconds, then 


proceeded with a demonstration. Judging 
from some of the letters we've received on 
premature ejaculation, that is no record. 
But it still makes us wonder what the snb- 
ject had on his mind. Talk about erotic 
fantasies! 


Sone 


10 sci 
most exerytl 


uly turned me on 
ad Гус bec 
beg. borrow 
sical or Bec ally enjoyed 
some of Kurt Vounegut's books, | was 
told 1 should read Venus on the Halj- 
Shell, by Kilgore Trout. OK, I read it. 
But what's the stor eryone seems 10 


ads x 
ec ficti 


red 


buy 


as a different 
all, who is 
, каро, Ilinois 
In several of his books, Vonnegut 
mentions a fictional character named 
Kilgore Trout who is the favorite author 
of all the other Vonnegut characters. A 
science-fiction author of great talent 
went to Vonnegut with the idea of a 
tually writing a book as Trout. Vonnegut 
gave his permission—something he prob 
ably regrets, as "Venus" has become an 
underground best seller. Now, heres 
where it gets tricky. The man who wrote 
“Venus” decided to take the scheme ane 
step further. In “Venus,” he introduces 
his own fictional author, Jonathan Swift 
Somers HI creator of the snperdog Ralph 
von Wau Wau stories. Who is this con- 


me and everyone 1 
nile do dell. Опсе 
red ? 


voluted man? Awardseinning | author 
Philip Jose Farmer. (For those of yon 
who ave waiting, the third volume of his 
Riverworld series may be out in late 
1976, and it may be two volumes.) You 


want a quick recap? Vonnegut created 
the character Kilgore Trout. As Trout, 
Farmer wrote “Venus,” in which he 
created another author, Jonathan Swift 
Somers 1H. As Somers, Farmer is now 
writing stories about Ralph von Wai 
Wau. Which means that Vonnegut is the 
father of Trout, who is Farmer, who is 
the father of Somers, who is the father 
of Ralph. If we get the begats straight, 
that makes Vonnegut the  gveat-grand 
Jather of a German shepherd. 


ave heard chat if a 


genitals to. heat by s 
warming them with : 
or g a steam bath, he will become 


temporarily sterile. Tt would seem to be 
an ideal method of birth control. Instead 
of g a cold shower and а 
l could slide into the tub 
Yee-hah! 
on a new meaning. Is there 
in the theory and, if so, should I incor- 
porate it into my sex 102—5. S, Nee 
nah, Wisconsin. 

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack 
jump over the candlestick and оп top of 
the nearest consenting adult. Great in 
theory. but the practice leaves something 
lo be desired. Heat has been known to 
diminish the production of sperm. 
Spermatogenesis lakes place at a tem 
perature slightly lower than 37 degrees 
centigrade (the testicles hang free for 
air conditioning). A slight prolonged 
rie in temperature can disrupt the 
process, but that is a far cry fiom fool 
proof bith control. Recently, scientists 
at the University of Missouri subjected 
goats, dogs, monkeys and vats to different 
forms of heat treatment—ultrasound 
(what a funny place to wear head 
phones), microwave (do you like your 
ment rare, medium or well done?) and hot 
baths, with varying degrees of success. For 
example, rodent Romeos who were given 
a 15-minute bath in water heated to 
60 degrees centigrade, compared with a 
normal body temperature of 37 degrees 
centigrade, were unable to impregnate fe- 
males [or 30 to 35 days. The research looks 
promising, bul scientists have yet to 
determine the temperature requirements 
Jor humans or the length of exposure to 
heat. Of course, if you lake only one 
hot bath a month, you won't have to 
wory about birth control, but not for 
the reason you think. For now, keep to 
the more reliable methods 


d hoog 
Some like it hot” would take 


АП reasonable questions from fash 
ion, Jood and drink, stereo and sports enys 
to dating dilemmas, laste and etiquette— 
will be personally answered if the writer 
includes a stamped, self-addressed en 
velope. Send all letters to The Playboy 
Advisor, Playboy Building, 919 N. Michi- 
gan Avenne, Chicago, Illinois 60611. The 

ive, pertinent queries will 
he presented on these pages cach month. 


mast provocati 


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57 


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THE PLAYBOY FORUM 


an interchange of ideas between reader and editor 
on subjects raised by “the playboy philosophy" 


PARKING-LOT PASSION 

In these days of economic woe, many 
young men may be loath to spend seven 
bucks to get into a crumby drive-in fic 
where they and their dates don't pay the 
slightest attention to whats on the screen. 
Fd like to suggest an alternative: park- 
ing lots Sadly underrated. America's 
parking lots were the scene of more lost 
virginity in 1975 than any other lo 
1 myself made this startling discovery 
only a short time ago, in the following 
manne 

On iday night, Bob, Carol, Alice 
and I left a р . We were trying 
to think of somewhere to go when I 
noticed that clever Bob was driving down 
а dark, secluded street into а dark, se- 
cluded parking lot near a dark, secluded 
campground. We weren't the first ones 
there. Intuiting what Bob had in mind, 
I was glad 1 had read the chapter "How 
to Drive a Woman to 
Sensuous Man. Bob 
their orienta 
ed with my 

Despite the logistical problems pre- 
sented by the back seat of a compact car, 
things were working well enough until I 
ched Гог the ро: id heard an 
from the goalie. “No? 
1 asked politely. "N п, followed by 
"Why can't you respect me for what I 
am?" Thinking that this great line went 
out in 1961, 1 said to mysell, “Jeez, here 
we are in the back seat of a car at one AM 
and Alice is reciting dialog from АП My 
Children.” Meanwhile, Bob and Carol are 
busy in the front seat, zipping and un- 
zipping and shifting into positions I never 
knew existed. Up there it's Orgasm 
y. while directly in back 1 feel like I'm 
in Sister Mary's Convent. 
«Мену, à police car with Il 

to the parki 

uto engines 

ife and the lot 
а hailstorm of flying pea 


zone а 


emptied i 
gravel. 
Besides the ever-present fuzz, there are 
definite disadvantages to doubledating in 
а parking lot. 2 side from the lack of wide 
open spaces, it can be very discouraging 
when your friend is getting screwed (lit 
erally) in the front seat while you're get 
g screwed (figuratively) in the back. 
But I have a solution that could remove 
everyone's inhibitions about parking lots 
Someone should open up а parking-lot 
franchise (McDonald's, Colonel Sanders, 


Burger King?). A lot of girls feel better 
about having sex once a guy has spent 
some money on them. So why not have 
toll booths at the entrance to each lot, 
nal fec for cach carload 
ig parking-lot passion more 


Besides maki 


commercial and therefore respectable, this 
project would create new jobs and ease 
the unemployment problem. There would 
be new jobs for salesmen (“Pardon me, 
sir, сап you use some spot remover?"). 
And 


about waitresses. on roller 
ng on the window and ask- 


how 


Richard Rothenstein 
Bayside, New York 


BREAKTHROUGH FOR CONDOMS 

1 was а witness to history: I was watch- 
ing a Peter Sellers movie on KNTV in 
San Jose. California, when the first tele- 
vision commercial for rubbers was shown. 
July 23 was the date, Trojans the brand. 
Tm tellin’ ya, it made me swell with 
pride. 


was a big fuss over it. The wow 
de phoned in right away and the 
yanked the commercial. Then the 
other TV stations and the newspapers 
publicized what had happened and the 
liberals got into the act. After the first 
wave of complaints. calls and letters were 
vor of the commercials; so 
e back on the air but only after 
c o'clock at night. 

The National Association of Broadcast- 
ers Code doesn’t allow condom commer- 
cials, but KNTV doesn't subscribe to the 
code and you can. bet other stations will 
want in if contraceptive advertising is а 
success. So far, the commercials are very 
tasteful—a couple running on the beach 
py aadle—but 
you know TV. Soon they'll have a funny 
one where а young, boy asks a druggist for 
condoms and the druggist replies, " 
honest one where a hi 


out the first 
ht, The Wal- 
you by French 


announcer says, "Тон 
fons are brought to 
Ticklers” 

As I view it, we've seen only the up 
of the iceberg 


Robert Day 
Los Angeles, Са 


DISHONEST COUPLING 
My reaction to the letter “Role Re- 
in the September Playboy Forum 


Allmy men 


wear English 
Leather. 


Or they wear 
nothing at all. 


An opinionated statement? 
Sure. I'm an opinionated woman. 
I know what I like. Especially when 
it comes to men. And the ones 
M like wear English Leather". 
It smells so clean and natural. 
So all my men wear English Leather 
-..Or they wear nothing at all. 


4 OZ. AFTER SHAVE $3.00, COLOGNE $4.00 
MEM COMPANY, INC., Northvale, N.J. 07647 ©1974 
Available in Canada 


59 


PLAYBOY 


60 


who 


The insecure fellow 
A his ladyfriend to ensure та 
low as any woman who uses 
that sort of trickery. 
The fact that the couple had lived to- 
gether for two years raises a question. 
ing 21 and a supporter of living to- 
m often asked by over-40 ac 
ces why people ou 
sead of get 
ng living together 
their most frequent criticism is that the 
guy has everything to gain and the girl 
з 10 lose if marriage docs not 
s answer with the typi 


follow. I 


defenses of the new morali, Some 
people feel marriage is too binding. too 


stifling, Some want to get to know cach 
other and find out whether they can func- 
tion in a marriagelike situation without 
the legal ties. Sex is not am. accomplish 
ment for the male whereby the fem: 
loses unless they marry. but is, hopefully. 
am equally pleasurable experience for 
both partners. married or not 

However. the “Role Reversal” letter 
clearly indicates that premarital cohabita- 
tion failed in its purpose for this couple. 
badly off as if they 
had nor lived together. They are. doing 
the very things that they were probably 
tying to avoid by living together in the 
one partner has resorted to 
lies and deceit to get his way. If you're 
living together and that happens, you 
should к 
which 
things don't work out 

Unfortunately. the relationship de- 
scribed in "Role Reversal” ended in mar- 
c. and I am indeed curious to find 
out how that marriage will end. I am also 
saddened to sce that with all the oppor- 
ies for honesty and frankness before 
them. this couple blew it. though it prob- 
ably will be some time before the wor 
izes that their relationship is anything 
1 honest, 1 guess it ошу goes to show 


le 


They end 


ed up just 


you can get out. 


that every new generation thinks it his 
Ш the answers, and it's obvious that 
none of them do. 
Sallysue Norton. 
Chico. California 


AN EYE FOR AN EYE 

\ while back, 1 became involved with 
rl who, though considerably younger 
About 


L seemed quite matu 
month after she moved in with me. she 
gave me the shock of my life by inform 
ng me that she was only 15 years old— 
xd pregnant. Т closed my eyes and could 
see the bars of the cell Pd surely be locked 
y in as soon as anyone else found out. 
nicstricken, | tried to think of some 
у out of the situation, but my thoughts 
kept returning to the same conclu 1 
would have to do aw п her. 

One evening. during an innocuous 
gumeni. L actually started to strangle her. 
Suddenly. for reasons 1 can’t explain. 1 
was struck with the horror of what I wis 


E 


FORUM NEWSFRONT 


a survey of events related to issues raised by 


“the playboy philosopy" 


FIGHTING FAT WITH SEX 
FLORENCE, traLy—Italian 
working with a computer. have concluded 
that sexual intercourse burns up between 
125 and 300 calories. depending on dura- 
tion and intensity. They measured heavy 
kissing at 6 to 12 calories, undressing а 
sexual partner at approximately 5 enlo- 

at 75 to 125 


authorities, 


ries and masturbation 


calories. 


COMMUNITY ¥S. NUDITY 
BASTIA, CoRSICA—Seandalized citizens of 
а local resort. community seized. three 


nude bathers and gave them a coat of 


paint. Then, lo discourage skinny-dip- 
ping officially, the local council decreed 
that anyone caught nude within its juris 
diction “will be attached to an ass and 
taken on a tour of the village.” 


FAMILY AFFAIR 

JAY. OKLANOMA—A father of 16 chil 
dren who pleaded guilty to committing 
incest with two of his teenage daughters 
won probation of a two-year sentence- 
partly because he was hardworking and 
“performed a good public service to the 
community by delivering the Tulsa Daily 
World promptly” The judge remarked 
that incest was “a family affair and not 
one of great community concern їп the 
protection of the public from danger.” 


TEENAGE PREGNANCY 

WASHINGTON, сЗу percent of 
American teenaged mothers азе unmarried 
or marry about the time they give birth 
according to а survey described in Na- 
tional Reporter, а publication. of Zero 
Population Growth. The study, based on 


Government found that the 
girls used contraceptives sporadically or 
not at all. often in the mistaken belief 
that they were too young to become: pieg 
nant. had sey too infrequently to run 
much of a risk or were limiting. their 
intercourse to infertile limes of the month. 
Almost one third of those who didn’t use 
contraceptives said they had been unable 
10 get them 


statistics, 


STATISTICS ON LIVING AND LOVING 

WASHINGTON. n.c.—Cohabitation in 
creased S00. percent in the U.S. during 
the Sixties, according to the Census 
Bureau's latest population. study. The 
bureau alsa ve ports 

* The national divorce rate is al a 
record high of 1 per 1000 persons and 
the number of marriages dropped three 
percent. 

+ Nearly one third of American. chil. 
dren do not live with both of their nat- 
ural parents 

* Eleven percent of all births ave ille- 
rilimate—twice as many as 20 years ago. 

+ The size of the average household is 
below three for the first time in U.S 
history. 

* The national birth vate is only 
slightly above the 1973 record low of 15 
per 1000 population. 


PREVENTIVE MEDICINE 

BARNWELL. SOUTH CXROLINA— Federal- 
court jury has awarded damages of fi 
dollars lo a black welfare mother who 
sued an Aiken County physician for 
SIUU UU. for violating her eril and con. 
stitulional rights. The suit. charged that 
the physician had required pregnant 
Medicaid. mothers with (wo or moie chil 
dren to consent lo sterilization before he 
would accept them as patients. The jury 
which included three black women, found 
that the doctor had violated the woman's 
rights but only fice dollars’ worth. A sec 
ond plaintiff. sterilized voluntarily after 
the birth of her fourth child, was awarded 
nothing. 


PATERNITY 

HAUPPAUGE. 
whose wife had four children while he 
was serving a nine-year sentence for 
robbery has failed lo win a divorce on 
grounds of adultery. The man introduced 
depositions from prison. officials stating 
he had never left prison and that no 
records indicated any visits from his wife 
The judge. however. said the wije had 
‘many possibilities of access” to the 
prison and that the plaintif] had failed 
10 prove he was not the father of the 
chidren. 


PROBLEMS 


NEW voek— dn. ex-convict 


In. Munich, Germany, а Caucasian hus- 
band whose wife gave birth to а Negro 
baby also failed to prove adultery in a 
divorce suit. A gynecologist testified. that 
the man, who had also had sexual rela- 
tions with a black prostitute, could have 
picked up residual sperm and transmitted. 
it to his wife. 


RUBBERS ON THE TUBE 

SAN JOSE, CALIFORNIA—Local television 
station KNTV decided to cancel further 
broadcasts of а 30-second commercial for 
condoms after viewers swamped the 
switchboard with calls of protest. But 
once this was reported in the press, many 
more viewers called or wrote supporting 


the commercial as being in good taste 
and perfectly legitimate. It depicted the 
product's logotype and a young couple 
running on a beach, while an announcer 
advised responsible family planning (sce 
letter titled “Breakthrough for Con- 
doms” in this month's “Playboy Forum"). 


CONTRACEPTIVE LAW VOIDED 

SALT LAKE Crv—A three-judge Federal 
court has overturned а Utah law that 
forbade the sale of contraceptives. to 
minors without parental consent. The 
decision, which reversed an earlier ruling 
by the Ulah supreme court, held that 
the law unconstitutionally violated the 
night of privacy, 


FALSE ADVER 
WASHINGTON, D.G 


SING CLAIM 
The National Or- 
ganization jor has asked the 
Federal Trade Commission to investi- 
gate National Airline's advertising claim, 
‘I'm going to fly you like you've never 
been flown before." A NOW spokes- 
person contends that the airline is guilty 
of false advertising because the steward- 
esses who make the claim in commercials 
do not pilot the planes. 


Women 


WRONG SEX STIMULANT 

TURIN, TrALY— Declaring that a woman 
cannol be forced to have sex against her 
eishes, even with her husband, an Italian 


judge imposed a two-year prison sentence 
on a man found guilty of raping his wife 
The defendant husband argued that his 
wife had agreed to the intercourse. The 
wife said she had agreed because he was 
holding a gun on her. 


OHIO DECRIMINALIZES POT 

coLtummus—Ohio has become the sixth 
state to decriminalize the private posses- 
sion and use of small amounts of mari- 
juana. The law prescribes a maximum 
civil fine of $100 for possession of less 
than 100 grams (about 3.5 ounces) or for 
giving another person up to 20 grams 
without charge. Sale of pot remains а 
felony carrying penalties of up to 15 years 
in prison and a $7500 fine for amounts 
over 600 grams (1.32 pounds), and the 
growing of marijuana in any amount is 
punishable by up to fue years and a 
00 fine for the first conviction, with 
the penalties doubled on second offense. 


THE DEVIL OF YOUR CHOICE 

SALT LAKE crry—A Wyoming State 
Prison inmate has filed suit in Federal 
court in Salt Lake City contending that 
his freedom of religion is being violated 
because he can't worship the Devil ac- 
cording to the dictates of his conscience. 
The suit charges that the prison. provides 
equipment for other religious services but 
has denied him а nude woman for use as 


an altar, black robes with hoods, black- 
andwwhite candles, a bell, chalice, elixir 
and sword. The plaintiff reportedly says 
he would be willing to compromise on the 
nude woman and the sword, which are 
not allowed in prison, and make do with 
an inflatable plastic mannequin and a 
Blackboard pointer. 


MADNESS OF THE MONTH 
ATHENS—-ln oulspokenly conservative 
k bishop, who carlier crusaded 
against birth-control pills, now has put a 
format curse on women who have abor- 
tions. In a sermon, Bishop Augoustinos 
declared, “May women who have abor- 
lions be stricken with of the 
womb." Over the past few years, the 
bishop has also campaigned against. car- 
nival shows and sexy movies, and he once 
proposed the excommunication of Queen 
Mother Frederika for “lack of piety?” 


cancer 


doing and stopped. She never realized 
how close she came to death, and every 
thing has managed to work itself out 
for u 
I'm telling this story as a roundabout 
way to get at the issue of capital punish- 
ment. Had 1 succeeded in strangling this 
lt girl. would 1 have 
y? I don't think so. (In fact, 
I doubt that 1 could have lived with m 
self, and 1 probably would have destroyed 
myself if the state didn’t) There can be 
cases of premeditated murder 
person who takes another 
1 being's life shows no mercy to his 
As Jane E. Maher says in the Sep- 
tember Playboy Forum, "a person who 
knowingly and willfully deprives another 
being of life should, in turn, forfeit his 
own life.” The most elementary sense of 
fair play demands that society be entitled 

to an eye for an ey 
¢ 


me and addy 
withheld by request) 


ss 


PULLING THE SWITCH 

A college student here tried to inter- 
vene when а woman was being beaten by 
two men, and they turned. on him and 


10 sympathize with Jane E. Maher's view 
that the death penalty is a fit punishment 
for murder. 1 could cheerfully pull the 
switch on those two killers myself. 
But here's the problem: In my desire 
to snuff out two mindless thugs, Т 
i their level by indul 
own passion for violence. Reve 
what Maher's argument for cap 
ishment comes down 10, turns 
the very sort of person 1 despis 
fusing to Kill and, voter 
payer, refusi 
to kill in my 
show how ki 


scendin 


ing revolis me 


uel Newman 
Chicago, Illinois 


TWO WRONGS 
Jane E. Maher's closing state! 
blew my mind: 


ni really 
If justice had been 
ed. Witherspoon would not be alive 
to write of his woes to PLAYBOY." Justice? 
To me nothing justifies the taking of a 
lile. Sure, Witherspoon was wrong to kill 
but society would be cqually wrong 
killing him. 


se 


Joseph Roebuck 
Somers, Connecticut 


THE MYTH OF DETERRENCE 
The call for harsher crimi penalties 
grows more shrill each day. New bills flood 
nd Congress, crying for 
псе being such а mar- 
one would think it might 
ive occurred to the їз among us that 
inhuman set most nothing to 
control crime. 
By acdamation and statistics, England 
(continued on page 63) 


state legislature: 


blood. Yet, expe 


61 


“Playboy Forum” Casebook 


THE CRIME OF ORAL SEX 


In 1967. Dr. Robert E. Hales, a 34-year-old suburban In- 
dlianapolis physician. lost his medical license for engaging in 
sex with five women patients. The women, who knew one 
reportedly confided in another doctor. who urged 
sue Hales lor malpractice: they did. asking damages 
three separate civil acti 


ns. The sex, it turned 
dropped and Hales— 


sual, the suits were Lat 
bly wiser in such matters—might have regained hi 
and resumed his medical practice but for the zeal of a 
local prosecutor and а 19th Century Indiana sex law. The sex 
ct Hales was accused of performing was oral intercourse, de- 
scribed in the Indiana criminal code as the “abominable and 
detestable crime against nature with mankind or beast” and 
1 prison. 

suits against Hales. the county prosecutor 
n though the malpractice plaintills had re- 
Vhis presented the 
g with the state or 


con 


decided that ev 
treated, 


he wa 


term for both oral and anal intercourse, even between husband 
and wile. In 1968, the Playboy Foundation helped free an 
Indiana man serving 14 years for having anal intercourse 
with his wife.) And so began an cightyear nightmare that has 
all but ruined. Hales personally. professionally and financially. 
The case illustrates the harm that can be done not only by th 


archaic morality laws that Indiana and some 35 
1 on the books bur also by laws t 
confinement in mental institutions of individuals who 


never been found mentally ill or convicted of a aime. 

Hales was tried in 1968 for rape and sodomy with one of the 
women and саму acquitted. Testimony convinced the jury that 
oral sex. if officially criminal, was hardly uncommon; that. it 
probably had not occurred as charged; that, in any case, the 
complaining witness had kept coming | ad that Haless 
unprofessional conduct and poor personal judgment stemmed 
hugely fom his own marital problems and the pressures of 
overwork, The acquittal did not please the prosecution, and 
Hales came to the conclusion that he would be wied on each 
remaining count of sodomy until the state either obtained a 
conviction or ran out of compl 

Having spent 550.000 on his defense im one trial and believ 
Hales, on the 


ns. 


expedient, Under 
Criminal Sexual Psycho] 
ther prosecution by peti 
mitted to a state mental hospi 
з criminal sexual psychopath merely as a person 
feeble-minded” but having an undefined “mental disorder" 
manifesting itsell in “criminal propensities 10 the commission 
of sex offenses.” Under the Iaw. such a person is not criminally 
prosecuted and is released once a court decides he has “fully 
recovered. 

Such а law is merciful й 
tion and psychiatric treatment 
for persons who commit certain sex offenses. Ironically 
it also can impose a virtual life sentence without trial and with- 
out parole, because kers are not psychiatrists and psych 


sane or 


its intent, prescribing hospitaliza 
КЕ I prosecution. 


SIS do not write laws. Hales soon discovered that he was 
caught in а semantic double bind: 
= Aconding to the law, Hales was sane but suffering from 


g of a sex 


s do nor consider oral sex or professional 


misconduct an indication of menial disorder: 

* With no mental illness to be cured, Hales had по way ol 
legally establishing that he was fully recovered. 

The expression "fully recovered" is itself not a part of psy- 
chianric terminology and, in fact. the law that applies to Hales 
wal Sexual Deviancy Act. 
ase depend successful. completion. ol 
t this didn’t help Hales before a judge who 
strongly distpproved of oral sex and а prosecutor noted for his 
campaigns against topless dancers. At one hearing for release. 
the prosecutor argued. with complete logic: “Since [Hales] 
was a criminal sexual psychopath at commitment by judicial 

tion,” and since examining psychiatrists “did agree 
ners Condition is exactly as it was at the time 
ment.” the 1 be a crimi 
nal sexual. psychopath.” 

Twice—in 1971 and again in 107. 
from Norman Beatty Memo " gan City 
Indiana, and twice he returned when threatened with arrest and 
extradition. Both times he had hopes of getting his legal status 
resolved through the intervention of employers to whom he had 
explained his situation, It was no crime to leave the hospit 
(hence the terms A.W.O.L. and walkaway rather than escaped): 
it was simply the duty of the hospital to report his absence and 
the duty of the state police to return him if apprehended: but 
free to take any job for which he qualified 
de facto freedom offi 

During his first absence. Hales was h 
Arkansas as. ironically enough. resident psychi 
ata state hospital and granted а provi 
resolution of his Indiana problems. He contacted. Beatty ho 
pital and when this came to the attention of the county prose- 
ıt was issued for his arrest. While he w 
ing him with thy ildren 10 support 
After his second flight, Hales moved to the East Coast, where 
he lived for 22 months. When arrest a 
he returned to Indiana, became a physician at the 
City state prison and prepared to petition the court agai 

Soon Hales became the proverbial political foot 

on hired him on professional n 1 despite his legal 


"oon 


1reamment." 


"he must, therefore, s 


AWOL 


confined, 


governor's май interpreted 
“ESCAPED SEXUAL PSYCHOPAT 
newspaper headlines. 
Governor Otis Bowen demanded disciplinary action 
against those members of the Indiana state medical board re- 
sponsible for hiring Hales. the entire board re protest. 
as did the state board of podiatry. At this point. an Ludi 
apolis U.P.I. reporter, В. J. Gilley, began to invest 
case in detail and Hales soon became а 
banassment. One Indiana paper stated that the case had been 
“blown so far out of perspective that it has reached the face 
ip stage.” then : "Without defending the doctor's 
arc obviously needed at the prison 
rd recognized this in granting him a license to work there. 

Hales first wrote to The Playboy Forum in 1079. pr 
to his second escape. He wrote to us again when his job at th 
n City prison led to his return to Beatty. Through 
Playboy Foundation, we are now g prominent In 
a trial attorney Tom С. Jones of F in securing an. 
other hearing lor Hales. Former employers, colleagues and eve 
the Beatty superintendent are expected to appear in his bel 
and, we hope, persuade a local Indiana court that. Hales b. 
indiscretions of eight y 


betrayal of public trust 
D BY STATE PRISON" was the gist of th 


source 


s ago and сап 


in the 1700s was the most lawless so-called 
civilized country іп the world. cv 
h there were more th. 


le by death. For 


offenses punisha 
leser crimes, 
sometimes be p 


convicted felon would 


ced in the pillory. where 
his . depending on the 
seriousness of his crime—would first. be 
nailed to the board, then cut off 

During the same period. justice was 
ako administered. severely in the Ameri 
colonies. The most popular form of 
pment was the lash. with which a 
0 whacks for speak- 
public place 


" 
Taborer could receiv 
ing disrespecifully 
кенета 
or socks) Branding was popular as well. 
For sleeping with an Indian. а woman 
could have the letter 1 pressed. into her 
forchead with a red-hot iron. Unless she 
was, God forbid. from the landed class in 


For theft, P offense 
tered nor how small or insign 
object stolen—the culprit w 
straight to the gallows, where. to the 
of the 


the crime rate increased every year, with- 
out fail. 

H all the thieves presently livi 
the U. S. were to receive such treat 
onc might ask, who would be left to 


the Gov 
Bur you can be sure the old doubk 
ard would still be 
before. Some things never change. 
Ben Seeber 
Irving, Texas 


operation, now as 


TOUGH ON CRIMINALS 

Just finished reading Bob  Narkev's 
iener titled “Breaking Out the Vote" (The 
a sick ol 
g us do love the poor, 
. misunderstood, pure-of heart, 
angelic inmates of prisons. Hey! They're 
where they are by their own actions. Fuck 
‘em! Feed "em fish heads! 


Mike Гегу 
Skokie. Hlinois 


RIGHTS AND MYTHS 
1 hy P. P 
have forfeited their privileges and free 
doms, and PLAYBOY attempts to take iwuc 
with his comention (The Playboy Forum 
September). Unfortunately, in doing so. 
ls то pinpoint the major [law 


r writes that cr 


3 


s and freedoms allowed. to 
lua] by society etum. for 
g society's rules. When ап iudi 
disregards those rules. pun 
iho him by withdrawing his rights." 
reaywoy should have disputed this and 
pointed out that а man's freedom (and 
therefore his rights) is a condition of his 


are privile 


the 


IN 1907, JACK DANIELS NEPHEW said, 
“All Goods Worth Price Charged.” We're still 


saying it in times like these. 


Se Mr. Lem Motlow put this slogan 
on jugs and crocks of his uncle's 
whiskey. You see, he knew that 
no other whiskey was made 
with pure, iron-free water. And 
that no other distiller mellowed his 
мотоа through hard maple 
charcoal before aging. 
Mr. Moclow knew value 


CHARCOAL 
when he saw it. And MELLOWED 
still today, though Jack а; 
Daniel's is priced above n 
most whiskeys, a sip BY DROP 


will prove its worth. 


Tennessee Whiskey - 90 Proof - Distilled and Bottled by Jack Daniel Distillery 
Lem Motlow, Prop., Inc., Lynchburg (Pop. 361), Tennessee 37352 


Placed in the National Register of Historic Places by ihe United States Government. 


63 


PLAYBOY 


birth, not a gift from any society or gov- 
ernment. Instead, PLAYBOY points out 
that some constitutional rights follow a 
criminal to prison. We are left to assume 
that these con 
allowed by society. In 
stitution merely attempts to secure man's 
natural rights; it does not purport to 
grant them. 

That society cannot take away wh 
does not give is the salient point in re- 
futing Butler's argument. 

W. Ferguson 
Corona del Mar, California 

Butler's view that society is the origin 
of rights and yours that man is born with 
them are both based on theoretical as- 
sumptions, Rather than pit опе such 
claim against another, it's usually morc 
helpful to focus on a few facts, such as 
those about the actual current legal prac- 
the U.S. regarding prisoners 
rights. Referring to these constitutional 
rights does not imply that they are mere- 
ly “allowed by society,” since, as you point 
out, the Constitution does not claim to 
grant rights, only to define and protect 
them. 


tice in 


SAVE THE CETACEANS 

Tam outraged at the slow progress that 
is bei le in attempts to save the 
lives of the cetaceans. Each year, hun- 
dreds of thousands of dolphins, porpoises 
nd whales ave lost to. poor fishing tech- 
niques and to whalers. In the name of a 


uon 


few thousand jobs (many of which will 
r 


disappear anyway when the cetaceans are 
gone), ricse mammals are being hunted 
to extinction. In the tuna industry alone, 
380.000 porpoises were accidentally taken 
in 1972. And the w g industries of 
Japan and the Sov n are about to 
drive wh; 
In 
Carl Sagan says: е Cetacea hold an 
important lesson for us. The lesson is not 
about whales or dolphins but about our- 
selves. There is at least moderately con- 
vincing evidence that there is a class of 
imeli nt beings on the earth besides our- 
selves. They have behaved benignly and 
in many cases affectionately toward us. 
We have systematically slaughtered tl 
As another environny list warns, if 
we do not act soon to protect these ani- 
mals, “man himself will be belittled and 
his own claim to genuine humanity will be 
forever tarnished beyond recall.” 
"Thomas C. Boyles 
Oil City, Penusylvar 


U 
les from existence as well. 
is book The Cosmic Connection, 


SWINGING MORALITY 

At a recent panel discussion on female 
sexuality, 1 had an experience that I'd 
like to share with you. It's an ironic 
footnote to the new morality (whatever 
that may be 

Alter listening for two hours to various 
experts talk about what turns women or, 


I found myself horny as hell. After the 
discussion, I saw a very attractive young 
lady talking to one of the panelists and 
I decided to join the conversation. As Т 
approached the podium, I heard her say 
that she had once developed such a bad 
case of nerves that her vagina had tight- 
ened to the point where her lover couldn't 
get into her. As she noticed me listening 
Чу. she went on to explain d 
had never happened to her before 
or since. І was wildly excited by the 
thought that I didn't even know t 
woman's name yet, and here I was, lem 
ing an interesting secret about her cunt. 
I sensed that she was as turned on as Т 
was and 1 invited her to join a bunch 
of us for drinks at the local rathskeller. 
We sat next to cach other and while the 
group did а lot of frank talking about 
sex, she and I played kneesies under the 
table. My hopes were at first dashed when 
she told me that she was married but 
were revived when she added that she and 
her husband were swingers. She then ex 


5 together and pick 
other like-minded couples for sexual fun 
and games, she with the other husband, 
her own husband with the other wife. 
And there's the rub: She never cheated 
on her husband; she was absolutely moral 
about this. Unless her husband could 
screw my wife, there was no way 0 
girl and I were going to make love. She 
olfered to call her husband to come and 
join us. but I had то admit to this ex- 
citing. turned-on lady. who was just as 
anxious as І was to hop into the sack, 
that, alas, I had по wife to share. I was 
just your ordinary, garden-varicty bache- 
lor, Out by himself, looking lor a good 
lime. She was quite disappointed and I 
trudged home alone that night, h 
and confused. 

There's an irony in this incident d 
really tickles me: It would seem tha 
I choose to take advantage of moral per 
missiveness and meet and make it with 
new, sexy women, first I'm going to have 
to get married. 


0 
Chi 


me withheld by request) 
igo, Ilinois 


LIP-SMACKIN' GOOD 

T've heard of guys who claim to be able 
to fellate themselves. I might not believe 
such tales—except that I recently learned 
tha my wife can perform а femini 
version of the same trick! 

One night, after а lengthy session of 
69, she coyly told m she could cat 
herself. Му disbel ned to amaze- 
ment as she demonstrated her. ability 
10 bend her naturally supple body on 
itself and get her tongue deep into 
her own pussy. She said she had dis- 
covered this when she was 13 and was 
learning ballet and acrobatics. Since then, 
she has indulged in this form of auto- 
eroticism once or twice a weck. 


Watching her is fun, but whats really 
fantastic is to screw while she's going 
elf. Also, we both get 
1 from tonguing her cunt 


ame withheld by request) 
Chicago, Illinois 


HAIR AND DISCIPLINE 

1 was struck by the letter hom Norm 
Pliscou in the August Playboy Forum 
about his son Lee's quarrel with his 
high school coaches over the length of 
his hair. The maintenance of discipline, 
not Фе length of hair, seems to be the 
issue here, Although Lee is certainly 
individual, he placed himself. under 


the authority of che coaching stall. whe 
he joined the tennis team. If he was not 
willing to accept the coaches’ dictates, he 


could have retained his individ 
quitting, He could thus have kept his 
curly locks despite w! father calls 
“the capricious whims of school officials.” 
‘This incident and others like it have im 
plications far beyond the simple issue of 
hair length. ‘They are directly related to 
anarchy, the breakdown of the family 
unit: indeed, the breakdown of society 
ral. 


ity by 


yton Klemm, Jr, 


Kailua, Hawaii 
We fmd i hard to believe that either 
good tennis or the future of Western 
civilization hangs by a hair. 


PARADISE LOST 

About a year ago. 1 read a letter in 
your column that said a petition to cs- 
tablish а nude beach in Sacramento was 
m imply because, as the city 
atomey explained, nude bathing wasn't 
nywhere in the city (The Playboy 
Forum, January). Thus, the people who 
had been skinny-dippi Paradise 
Beach on the American River for seve 
years—without harassment, J might add 
free 10 continue doing so as far a 
the knw was concerned. 

In а remarkable display of tunnel vi- 
the mento City Council has 
led to vault its constituency back into 
the Victorian era by passing nce 
banning nudity and female toplessness in 
public parks and on public beach 
Ironically. the section of the or 
that's supposed to justify its e 
that “the parks. playgrounds 
the city... are operated 
for the use. 
ment of all citia 
and that “it is i 
necessary to 


ned down 


sion, 


de 


n or 


псе 
istence says 


nd beaches 

1 maintained 

ı and enjoy 
lenis 


be recrew 


is and res 
the public interest, and 
the public health, safety 
id parks and beaches 
nd enjoyed by as many per- 
The fact is, since the en- 
астен of the ordinance last May. and the 
subsequent enactment of restrictive park 
ing regulations, dhe number of persons 


and welfare, that 
be utilized 


Friends of the Beach is a registered 
political-action organization working to 
return Paradise Beach to the people, of 
all ages and degrees of attire, who used to 
frolic there in harmony. Anyone with 


PLAYBOY 


nia 95813. 
Donald Early, Chairman 
Friends of the Beach 
Sacram 


Why is 
Tarevton 
better? 


Charcoal is why. 
Charcoal filtration is used to 
freshen air, to make water and other 
beverages taste better. It does 
something for cigarette smoke, too. 

TAREYTON has two filters- 
a white tip on the outside, 
activated charcoal on the inside. 

то Like other filters they reduce tar 

and nicotine. But the charcoal 
does more. It balances, smooths— 
gives you a taste no plain white 
filter can match. 


fornia 


FOR FREE ENTERPRISE 

Remember the Kingston Trio singing. 
“They're rioting in Africa"? Well, they're 
picketing in America, striking in F 
and protesting in Japan's geishas 
are demanding workers’ benefits; France's 
filles de joie have been on strike for 
months, d American hookers held their 
second annual convention lust June and 
called a one-day work stoppage in sup 
port of their French sisters. 

The French government has appointed 
a commission to look into the alleged 
harassment of prostitutes by police. Here 
in the U.S., the public is beginning to 
realize the catastrophic waste in cn 
ing laws 


Ic 


t victimless crimes, such as 
prostitution, which constitute 50 percent 
of all arrests. 

Prostitution laws, ostensibly designed 
to protect women, work in reverse. The 
woman, the real victim, is labeled the 
villain and сап get anywhere fiom a 55 
fine to five years in jail. Quite a high price 
to pay for saying the wrong three little 
words—"Where’s the money?" i 
“I love you.” 

Social and legal restrictions оп the 
world's oldest profession. must go. Com. 
pletely. COYOTE, our San Francisco- 
based prostitutes’ support group, warns 
E ast such half measures as Govern- 
t-licensed brothel 


instead of 


me 


which would only 


make your mayor, your governor or your 
President your pimp. As the motto on our 
COYOTE T-shirt puts it, му ass 15 MINE- 
Margo St. James, Chairma 
COYOTE 
San Francisco, California 


HELLISH EPISODE 

Iam honestly appalled b 
of homosexuality, Gentlen 
large element in homosexual culture that 
is highly dangerous to our society, since 
it preys upon those least able to protect 
themselves—pubescent and prepubescent 


y your support 
there is a 


// "Thats why us 
"Tareyton smokers 
would rather fight 

5 


si 
* LE 


Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined 
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. 


boys. 

My late father had a cousin who mav- 
cled a great deal and often stayed in our 
guest room. When I was ten years old, 
this son of а bitch raped me and threat- 
ened to kill me if I told my parents. He 
didn't visit us again until I was 14, and 
by then 1 was over six feet tall and had 
learned to box. He tried his little num 
ber and I beat the bejesus out of him. 
When I explained to my father why I had 


е King Size: 20 ng. "rar" 13 mg. nicotine; 100 mm: 19 mg."tar' 13 mg nicotine, av. per cigarette, FTC Report April 75. 


JUSTERINI 
Founded 1740 Be 


syooug 


Jingle Bells 


A great way to ring in the holidays. 


The gift of 
rare taste. 


JB 
RARE 
оен 


c" 
56 Коо! Blended Scotch Whisky ©1975 Paddington Corp., NY. 


PLAYBOY 


68 


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DEAR PLAYBOY ADVISOR 


Pease serle something. My friends say that instead of buying PLAYBOY 
every month at the newsstand 1 should simply buy а subscription. Then, 
they say, ГА be sure never to miss a 


issue. And I'd save money because а 
one-year subscription is just $10, a $6.00 saving off the single-copy price. 
Can they be right?—J. D. 

Lucky is the man with wise friends. Yes, it’s all true. And it's so easy to 


subscribe. Just complete and return this coupon. 


Н 
‘PLAYBOY 
| Playboy Building, 919 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, Illinois 60611 
і 

1 Please enter my subscription to PLAYBOY for 


ve $24.00 


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with his 


done that, he had a "discussion 
cousin that put the degencrate 
pital for a couple of weeks. My father 
didn't report the case to the authorities, 
because the п as а member of ош 
nily and his arrest and disgrace would 
e hurt his innocent wife and children 

The brief physical pain he caused me 
was nothing compared with the long years 
of emotional sull sed by the sub- 
conscious scars of that hellish episode. 
Two marriages went by the boards be 
fore T invested several thousand dollars in 
psychotherapy and psychiatry and man- 
aged, finally. to get my head screwed on 

ight enough to make something of 
a 


n the hos- 


stra 
my 

1 feel that PLAYBOY is making 
enor in attempting to 
perversions legalized king of 
forts to de the from 
prosecuting those apprehended practicing 
homosexuality or soliciting its practice. 
It is nothing Jess than ап abomination 
practiced by sick, sexually retarded 
degenerates. 


serious 
ave homosexual 


id in on 


dissi author 


(Name withheld by request) 
Richmond, V 

There me laws on the books against 
rape and the sexual molesting of children; 


nia 


of course, those. laws can't be enforced 
Outlawing 
homosexuality per se serves no useful pur- 
pose, especially since the great majority 
of sex offenses involving child victims are 
committed by heterosexual males against 
girls. 


unless offenses are reported. 


INFANTILE SEXUALITY 

I enjoy an unusual practice involv- 
ing dothing and sex 
put apes. Just before I reached 
puberty, my father forced me to wear 
diapers in front of my brothers and sisters 
10 punish me for а bed-wetting problem. 
This form of sclLexposure gradually be- 
came sexually exciting то me and by the 
time E was 15, 1 bad gotten to the point 
of liking to put a diaper on myself when 
I was alone. At 17, 1 started to mastur- 
bate with a diaper on, wetting it with 
semen. This is actually more pleasurable 


It excites me to 


on d 


to me than sexual intercourse, which I've 


also tried. My favorite fant 
in street of town with noth- 
ing on but a diaper. 
(Name withheld by request) 
Athens, Ohio 
You might get away with it on New 
Year's Eve. 


y is walkin 
down the n 


“The Playboy Forum" offers the 
opportunity for an extended dialog be 
асет readers and editors of this pub- 
lication on subjects and issues related lo 
“The Playboy Philosophy.” Address all 
correspondence to The Playboy Forum, 
Playboy Building, 919 North Michi- 


n Avenue, Chicago, Hlinois 60611. 


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MONDAY 


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FRIDAY 


TUESDAY 


Trouble. The girl of 
your dreams and your 
lady are both in town. 

For inspiration, you 
choose Jovan Ginseng 
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The lusty, stirring scent 
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= 


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E 
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SATURDAY 


WEDNESDAY 


Wednesday, already. 
The worst part of the 
week is over. You're 
feeling boldernow. You 

reach for an elegant, 

sensual blend of rare 

woods, spices and 

natural oils—Monsieur 
Jovan Spray Cologne, 
of course. She wonders 
where you've been all 
her life. 


SUNDAY 


Tonight you havea 
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-.. With a beautiful filly. 
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And hers. You both win. 


ГЕТ 


It's only 9:00 a.m., but 
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THURSDAY 


The weekend has 
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E 


Early Times. To know 


Alan Breward: “The Boston 
Bourbon Mary is bloody terrific? 
RECIPE: Combine 1-1/2 oz. EARLY TIMES, 
Tomato Juice, Worcestershire and Tabasco 
Sauce to taste (or Bloody Mary Mix). 

Add ingredients to highball glass 

filled with ice. Garnish/lime slice. 


Tim Love: “lil take my 
unusual...Early Times 
and The Uncola™” 
When smooth mellow Early 
Times meets light 7-Up? 
youve got a smooth, mellow, 
light winner. 


Brenda | Rhoden: “Keep it 
simple, Simon... Early Times 


and ginger ale! 

Simple is simply super, with 
Early Times and ginger ale. 
It's that simple, 


"Tf 
Babette Jackson: 
“The Pussycat is Purr-Fect^ 
The Pussycat is as easy to make as 
buying a box of Bar-Tender's Instant 
Pussycat Mix. But remember, a Pussycat 
without Early Times is a dog. 


Whistlin' Dixie with 
The Atlanta Belle? 
RECIPE: Shake with cracked 
ice 1 oz. EARLY TIMES, 3/4 oz. 
Green Creme de Menthe, 
3/4 oz. White Creme de Cacao, 
1 ог. Cream. Strain into 

p whisky sour glass. 


Gwynn Hart: "Mmmm...in L.A. 
they sure know how to make Luv!" 
RECIPE: In Blender combine 1 oz. EARLY 
TIMES, 1 oz. Creme de Banana, 1/2 oz. 

Triple Sec, 1/2 oz. Lemon Juice, 2 oz. 
Pineapple Juice, with ice; pour in highball 
glass half filled with cracked ice. Garnish/ 
pineapple slice, straw. 


us is to love us. 


Angie Daye: "The Miami Sunset s next to the next best 
ae thing to being there? RECIPE: Fill highball glass with ice. Add 2 oz. EARLY TIMES 
Jack Irving: “I started with and 1 oz. Triple Sec. Fill with orange juice, and stir. Float teaspoon Grenadine. 
Early Times and cola and Im 
Sticking with Early Times and cola? 


Youcant go wrong with two of Americas 
great tastes. The super smooth taste of cola 
and the smooth super taste of Early Times. 


"M 
а j 


The Meads: “Early Times. Splash it 
with water, squirt it with soda or 
just take on-the-rocks. 

le know it and we love it? 


Tom Fields: “Everybody 
should have a New York 
Experience. Even in Peoria” 
RECIPE: Combine 1 o2. EARLY 
TIMES, 1 oz. Triple Sec, 1 ог. Dry 
Vermouth, with cracked ice; 

strain into stem glass. Garnish/ 

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Picture bri 


ss JIMMY HOFFA 


a final conversation with the former teamsters chief about the kennedys, 
the mafia and the possibility of being killed—just before he disappeared 


The bumper sticker read: WHERE'S 
JIMMY HOFFA? CALL 313-962-7297. It was 
on an old flatbed tuck on the John C. 
Lodge Freeway in Detroit. Thousands of 
similar bumper stickers on cars and trucks 
across the country asked the question: 
What happened to the “little guy" who 
veled and dealed with money, words 
and clubs from the streets of Detroit to 
the huge white monument of a building 
known as Teamster International Head- 
quarters in Washington? 

Hoffa has been missing since July 30. 
1975. His family last saw him when he 
reportedly left his home to attend a meet- 
ing with alleged mobster Anthony “Tony 
Jack” Giacalone, former Teamster vic 
president Anthony “Tony Pro” Prover 
zano—a New Jersey man with alle; 
Mafia ties—and Leonard Schultz, a labor 
consultant and reputedly а key associate 
of Giacalone's. Supposedly, the meeting 
was arranged to mend fences after Hoffa 
and Tony Pro had a falling out while 
both were serving time at the Federal 
penitentiary in Lewisburg, Pennsylvania. 

At 2:30 vat.. Jimmy called his wife, 
Josephine, and asked, “Has Tony Gia- 
calone called?” 

At 3:30 rm, Hoffa called longtime 


4 


“I don't cheat nobody. I don’t lie about 
nobody. 1 don't frame nobody. 1 don’t 
talk bad about people. 1] I do, I tell 
‘em. So what the hells people gonna 
try lo kill me for?” 


friend Louis Linteau, who runs an airline- 
limousine service in Pontiac: “Tony Jach 
didn’t show, goddamn it. I'm coming out 
there.” 

Two witnesses placed Hoffa in front of 
the Machus Red Fox restaurant in Bloom- 
field Township, Michigan, around the 
time of the call to Linteau. 

Hoffa has not been heard from since. 

James Riddle Hoffa devoted his life to 
the Teamsters Union; and if he is dead, 
ах his family believes, it's likely that his 
hope 10 regain its presidency became his 
death warrant. 

Hoffa first learned about power in the 
streets of Detroit in the Thirties, when 
being a union organizer often meant get- 
ling one's head busted—not once but 
many times. Hoffa stood 552", had an 
eighth-grade education and had never 
read a book from cover to cover. But he 
understood labor contracts and how to 
get them. 

He got his first contract by waiting for 
а giant load of fresh strawberries 10 ar- 
rive at a Kroger grocery dock, then calling 
a strike. Kroger got its strawberries and 
Hoffa got his contract—in record time. 

He took charge of а 400-member union 
and а $400 pension fund. Within a few 


“I had a tape on Bobby Kennedy and 
Jack Kennedy, which was so filthy and 
so nasly—given to me by a girl—that even 
though my people encournged me to do 
it, 1 wouldn't do it.” 


years, the membership was 5000 and the 
fund was $50,000. Today, U.S. Teamsters 
number 2.200.000 and the fund is in the 
billions. 

Tough and sway, Hoffa whipsawed 
trucking companies like poker chips, play- 
ing one against another, until, by 1939, 
he had negotiated area-wide contracts, 
which were unheard of at the time. The 
Teamsters territory continued to grow 
until Hoffa controlled a series of inter- 


locking “conferences” that spanned the 
country. 
Then, in 1957, the Senate launched an 


investigation of racketeer influence and 
mismanagement in the Teamsters, and the 
McClellan Committee came down on the 
Teamsters with a vengeance. It charged 
that the Teamsters, allied with organized 
crime, with violence, 
fraud, sweetheart contracts and misuse 
of penston funds. Dave Beck went to jail 
and Jimmy Hoffa inherited the presidency 
of the International. 

From the beginning, the confrontation 
between Ноја and committee counsel 
Robert Kennedy was acrimonious. The 
hatred each man had for the other is sup- 
posed to have provoked a “get Hoffa” 
policy when Kennedy later became 


Tan their union 


‘WIDE МОО 


“I don’t need bodyguards. You got a 
bodyguard, you become careless, and if 
you look at all the gangsters that were 
killed with bodyguards, you'll know 
they went to sleep.” 


73 


PLAYBOY 


71 


Attorney General. The bitterness did not 
change with time, for even recently, seven 
years after Kennedy's assassination, Hoffa 
described him simply as “that creep.” 

Whether or not there was а gct-Hofja 
campaign, the Government did get 
Hoffa—not on the $1,000,000 kickback 
indictment it returned in 1962 (which re- 
sulted in a mistrial) but for jury tamper- 
ing. He was convicied in 1964 and four 
months later received additional convic- 
tions for mail and wire fraud and misuse 
of union pension funds. 

Hoffa's 13-year sentence was commuted 
by President Nixon in 1971 after he had 
spent almost fwe years in Lewisburg pris- 
on. The commutation included а provi- 
sion banning him from all union activities 
until 1980—a provision Hofja claimed he 
did not know about (and would not have 
accepted) until after his release. 

After getting out of jail, Ноја was ob- 
sewed with a desire to return to union 
power. His suit before the U. S. District 
Court in 1974 failed to overturn the no- 
union provision of his commutation, but 
an appeal was still pending in the U. S. 
Court of Appeals. The appeal might well 
have been upheld by the court, and that 
probably would have returned Hoffa to 
power by 1976—unless something un- 
expected happened. 

Before he went to prison, Hoffa named 
Frank E. Fitzsimmons, а 30-year friend 
and associate, to serve as acting president 
of the International. It was understood, 
Hoffa claimed, that he would be restored 
10 power when he was released from pris- 
on, à release Fitzsimmons was pledged to 
expedite. After his release, Hoffa claimed 
that Fitzsimmons had double-crossed him, 
that he had made no effort to get him out 
of jail and, in fact, had decided that he 
liked his job as president of the Mierna- 
tional and intended to keep it. 

Jerry Slanechi, an investigative re- 
poner for WXYZ Radio in Detroit, 
owned by ABC, had had several long 
conversations with Hoffa by spring of this 
year, When vravwoy asked Stancchi to 
conduct a full-length interview, Hoffa told 
the reporter that he didn’t want to be in 
а “magazine with tits on the back of my 
picture.” He finally agreed, however. But 
because of the extraordinary circumstances 
surrounding this interview, not all of 
Hoffa's allegations could be 
through normal channels. The last conver- 
salions took place in June, a little over a 
month before the disappearance, and since 
cenis intervened, we were unable to send 
Stanechi back to Hoffa with the customary 
follow-up questions. Stanecki reports: 

“I first met Jimmy about two years ago. 
His wife and son had been tossed out of 
their Teamster jobs—Jimmy, Jr., a law- 
yer, as counsel, Jo as head of the women’s 
polilical-action group. Newspapers were 
filled with speculation about а deepen- 
ing Hofja-Fitzsimmons rift. Most of the 
reports suggested that Hoffa himself had 


verified 


planted the speculation in the press. It 
was only after 1 called the manager of 
the condominium Jimmy owns in Florida 
and asked her to knock on his door with 
a request that he call me that I learned 
Hoffa hadn't talked with any reporters. 
“1 said no such a goddamn thing! he 
told me. 

“Apparently, he was impressed with the 
idea that I had gone to the trouble of 
finding him and getting his side of the 
story. From then on, Jimmy was available 
to me. He checked me out to see if I 
could be trusted, of course. And appar- 
ently 1 could be trusted. Often during the 
past two years I have gotten calls from 
Teamsler officials, saying, ‘Jimmy says 
youre OK. Here's what's going on. 

“I saw him many times and talked with 
him on the phone literally hundreds of 
tunes. Ноја, a man who hated the press, 
seemed to consider me a friend. 

“Jimmy lived in a modest lake front 
home in Lake Orion, about 40 miles from 
Detroit. It sits on four acres of land that is 
neatly trimmed and decorated with statues 
of deer. He installed a teeter-totter and a 
merry-go-round for his grandchildren, to 
whom he was obviously devoted. 

“When I arrived at his home to begin 
the ‘Playboy Interview,’ Hoffa was dressed 
in work pants, blue shirt and chukka 
boots. He was feeling good. It was а warm, 
sunny May day, We walked first to the 
lake in front of his house, where he had 
been raking leaves and sticks from the 
swimming area, Back at the house, he 
offered me some coffee and we walked to 
his new kitchen. There we sat down and 
brgan to talk 

“It was said that Jimmy Hoffa's pene- 
trating stare could make strong men with- 
er, bul he could also be a charmer. My 
wife, Carolyn, met Hoffa only under pro- 
test: As we drove onto his property, she 
said she really didn’t feel comfortable 
and asked that we ‘just stay ten minutes.’ 
is we walked to the door, I knew what 
she was thinking: Where are the walls, 
the bodyguards, the dogs? When we were 
sitting at а lawn table with Jimmy and 
Josephine, Carolyn asked him about se- 
curity. Jimmy laughed. ‘I don’t have a 
bodyguard, he said. I| there's a prob- 
lem, 1 can handle 

“Later, as we drove home, Carolyn 
said, ‘Gee, he’s a likable man, after all? 
He is—or was—indeed. But it wasn't the 
only quality that took him to the top.” 


PLAYBOY: Let's start with your person 


ality. You've been descr 


ith a very big ego. Is that a 
HOFFA: Certainly. 1 got an ego! 
don't have an ego, he don't hi 
money and he don’t have any am 
Mine's big enough to do the job I wam 
do. Actually, an ego is just imaginati 
And if you don't have imagination, you'll 


be working for somebody for the rest of 
your life. 

PLAYBOY: You don't like takin 
from anyone, then. 

HOFFA: What the hell do you think, some- 
body's gonna push me? I don't get 
pushed. If somebody argues with me, ТИ 
take him on; if somebody wants to rasle 
with me, well, ГИ take him on. too. 
PLAYBOY: You're 62 this year. Have you 
mellowed any? 

HOFFA: Oh, I wouldn't say mel 
just say | got more common se 
than I had before. 1 used то 
body on. Now I select who I take on. 
PLAYBOY: How wealthy are you? 

HOFFA: І think I'll be able to eat and live 
comfortable for the rest of my life. But 
so far as what I have . . . let it speak for 
itself. It’s been in the press. 

PLAYBOY: Are you a millioi 
HOFFA: I would say. 
PLAYBOY: We heard that you and Jimmy, 
Jr. got into a discussion on money and 


orders 


ay- 


ire? 


You commented, “How 
come up with two million 
mediately?” 


HOFFA: | would say, exactly right. I'll 
put it to you this way: 1 just rc; 
article the other day where they estimate 
less than. onc half of one 
of people who can lay their hands 
on 550.000 liquid cash oven 
PLAYBOY: So you're comlort 
else are you living for? 
HOFFA: For the sake of living. 1 enjoy 
every minute of it, good, bad or indiffer 
ent. I enjoy life ev апа Tm look 
ing forward to spending that life as p: 
of the labor movement 

PLAYBOY: OK, let's get into that. By the 
terms of your release from prison, you've 


there’ 


that 


What 


been banned from participat 
bor movement until 1950, you're 
appealing that in the courts. If the 


courts ruled in your favor and you got 
your position back as president of the 
Teamsters, what would be your first 
priority? 

HOFFA: Restructure the union back the 
way it was when I was there and reinsti 
tute the made divisions, Likew Id 
reinstitute some additional organizers for 
the purpose of having m: 
There's no other way uni 
except with master соп 
it's the building trades, retail clerks, me 
cutters or anybody else. We need a com 
mon expiration date for the contracts of 
all unions. 

PLAYBOY: That would ly give you 
the power to bring the entire economy 
toa halt. 

HOFFA: Well, corporations have it. The 
oil cartel, the lumber cartel, the steel 
cartel—they re all exactly the sam 
PLAYBOY: But they're not united, tl 
you want the unions to be 

HOFFA: Of course they're united. There 
t à damned thing that happens in 
опе of those industries that doesn’t con. 
form to what industry leaders decide 


ter contracts. 


way 


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UNS 


The only thing they don't discuss 
collectively—at least openly—is prices. 
But as far as everything else gocs, you'll 
find they have a master organization, a 
master contract, Put it to you this way: 
So far as power is concerned, does 
body believe the premiums of ins 
form hy 
cident that if the price 
c goes up in one company, all 
the other prices go up the same rate in a 
matter of weeks? 

PLAYBOY: Still, giving one man control 
ion contracts with a common ex- 
piration date ng the Con- 
gress would look upon very favorably. 
HOFFA: The Congress of the United States 
wants to be judge, jury and prosecutor 
over whats good for the Amaican 
people. And they think anyone who has 
a bloc of votes is dangerous. Truth 
everything the Congress has touched has 
been a failure, Can't show me one pro- 
gressive thing they've did that didn't turn 
оша 
PLAYBOY: WI 
make Hofla king, would 
HOFFA: Not true. 
PLAYBOY: Would 
trol the economy, to control. polit 
HOFFA: One of these days it will happen 
without Holla. And it’s happening today. 
With i unemployment, the states 
nd cities going bankrupt, people will 
ccept labor leaders in positions of power 
n the Government, theyll want a voice 
in what's good for them. As far as being 
а king goes. well, I don't know if a king 
has that power today. There's damned. 
few kings left. And there's gonna be a 
damned sight less belore it's over with. 
But by birthright, by being an Ameri- 
п. you're entitled to have a job. If the 
system. cannot supply you 
job, you have to change the sys 
of government—whether it's Hof 
icians or whoever. Call it what you 


togethe 


you want. however, would 
tie 


allow Hoffa to con- 
ап 


PLAYBOY: How would you keep corruption 
out of government? 

HOFFA: Isn't there corruption now? You 
sat through Watergate, didn't you? You 
see it going into the CIA, going 

FBI. going into state and city government. 
What is corruption? Is it corruption that 
you give a man a year’s gua 
he'll have a roof over his head, someth 
to eat? 15 it corruption tha 

should take over the 
won't be deprived of the n 
lile? Take. for instance, Honduras. The 
banana people said they'd give over 
82.000.000 to the government there 
that corruption or survival? Would ba- 
manas go off the shelves of every super- 


market in Ame they hadn't paid? OF 
course they would. Now, what are you 


gonna do about it? What's corruption 
today is not corruption tomorrow. 
PLAYBOY: Have the Teamsters gone to 
hell since you were forced out? 

HOFFA: Well, they haven't advanced. 


There are no master contracts, other than 
the ones 1 left them, The ong 


ers, is at an all-time low, from what 1 
hear, Even the members feel uncomfort- 
able they don't have someone steerin' 
the ship. The leaders are too busy on the 
golf course, flyin’ around in seven jet 
airplanes they own, Why the hell do 
they own seven? Most corporations don't 
own that many. 

PLAYBOY: Do you blame the present head 
of the Teamsters, Frank Fitzsimmons? 
Fitzsimmons has fa He | 
every promise he made to the 
union convention. He can't show one 
single thing that he said he would do that 
he did. Can't show onc thing. Not onc. 
PLAYBOY: How did you and Fitzsimmons 
split? 

HOFFA: Well, s l'm concerned, 
when I found out that Fitzsimmons, uh, 
lied when he said he'd been talking con- 
fidentially to John Mitchell about getting 
me out of prison. 


PLAYBOY: Let's bit. Аг first 
you thought mmons was doing 
everything he could to get you out of 


prison? 
HOFFA: During the whole time I was in 
prison, nmons kept tellin’ ev 
body—my son, my ll the union 
representatives—"Now, don't do any- 
thing, you'll rock the boat. Fm tal 
of it with Mitchell. 
Mitchell later gav 


said the first mons ever 
ked to him about me was in June 
1971. Га been in jail ns. TE was 


when Га already resigned and given 
Fitsimmons the green light to become 
president. "Then 1 found out that he'd 
fired Edward Bennett М ams as Team- 
мет counsel and replaced him with 
Charles Colson. And when I found out 
there was a restriction on my parole until 
1980, it didn't take a ton of bricks to 
all on me to put two and two together— 
he'd been 1 all along. 

PLAYBOY: You said Fitzsimmons kept say- 
g he was going to work on Mitchell. 
Meaning what? 

HOFFA: Не claimed to all and any that 
he was responsible for getting me a re- 
hearing on my parole and that Mitchell 
was going to take executive action to 
get mc ош of prison. As I said, when 
Mitchell gave his deposition later on, he 
I кей to Fitzsimmons abour 
among other things. in June 1971." 
flat lie Fitzsimmons had 
everyone in the union—for 


Well, 
been tellin 


* How was Fitzsimr 
persuade Mitchell? 

HOFFA: | suppose by using hi 
influence with Nixon and by using his. 
uh, political arm to support the Repub- 
lican Party. 
PLAYBOY: With 


s going to 


mpaign contributions? 


HOFFA: 1 don't know about that. 1 sup- 
pose he said he'd give him $14,000 [a 
publicly disclosed campaign contribu- 
tion], which is a lot of nonsense. But 
the truth of the matter is he never did 
anything. I also found out from Dean 
that he didn't even know Fitzsi 
and he was sitting right outside Nixon's 
door. 
PLAYBOY: John Dean? 
HOFFA: Yeah. And ird be damned funny 
that anyone could go in and out of the 
White House without knowing John 
In any case, what Colson did was 
t until the President was coming in 
or out of his office, then introduce him: 
lent, this is Frank Fitzsim- 
"Hello, how are ya?" Then Colson 


mons. 


would take him up to have dinner in the 
Senate Building. 
Well, that's а hell of a big d 


head of the Teamsters Union 
be brushed off tha . In any 
John Dean testified that he and Colson 
had discussed the 1980 restriction and 
what with Colson already having the ol- 
fer from the Teamsters to become gen- 
eral counsel, 
leads me to be 
liberately double-crossed, uh, 
bership. the convention, my lawyers and 
myself. And that's it. So Т don't wanna 
do business with a doublecrosser . 
ога liar. 

PLAYBOY: |! simmons, Colson and 
Dean were working against you, how did 


the mem. 


bout because 

1.500000 signatures were sent to 
President of the United States 
about by hundreds of thousands 
ters going to the Attorney General and 
the President. Since Nixon was facing an 
clection, in my opinion he didn't want 
to have to face all those people. 
met with Mitchell, according to Mitchell's 


over 
the 


Т would he released before Christmas 
1971. 
Immediately after that, when the rec- 


ommendai 


оп was sent out, Dean inter 
cepted it. Dean testified, or implied, 
that he and Mitchell talked 
serting the 1980 restriction into the rec 
that time. Mitchell 


bout in- 


omm 
denies this. 

PLAYBOY: So the original recommendation 
made by Mitchell and President Nixon 
did not have the 1980 restriction 

HOFFA: It did not. Furthermore, Dean 
called in Colson and [Presidential aide] 
Clark Mollenhoff and they decided on 
the restrict talking to the 
Attorney С the President. and 
rewrote the recommend keeping it 
confidential even from everyone else at 
the White Hou 
І was out of jail. They w 
that if 1 knew the 1980 restriction w 


jon 


ad 


! without 


eral о 


75 


PLAYBOY 


76 


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PLAYBOY: But the President did sign the 
order, didn't he? 

HOFFA: Aw, sure. Along with 212 other 
ones. But I'm sure the President didn't 
think Mitchell had changed what they'd 
agreed upon. And I'm sure he didu't read 
through 212 commutations and pardons 
PLAYBOY: How about you? You read it 
didn't you? 

HOFFA: І couldn’! read it! Т wasn't there. 
Wasn't anything I signed. 

PLAYBOY: And your attorneys? 

HOFFA: Nobody knew! Fourteen minutes 
ter I'd gotten out of jail. they an 
nounced the restriction to the warden. 
to my attorneys, to the public. I found. 
out about it hours later on the news. 
When T went to see the head of the pa- 
role board after the holidays. he didn't 
know about it. Nobody had informed 
him. He had to call Washington to find 
out what they were talking about 1н 
wasn't until January 14. 1972, that 1 re- 
ceived notification. of the restriction in 
the mail. And I refused to sign it. 
PLAYBOY: There was no hint, no sugges- 
tion before you left prison? 

HOFFA: I had asked the warden specifical 
ly. was there any restriction other than 
the one banning me from union activity 
until March 1973 [when Hoffa would 
have been released anyway]? He called 
Washington and said, “No.” 

PLAYBOY. Bur you signed something 10 
get out of Lewisburg. didn't you? 

HOFFA: Commu Read every word 
of it. Being suspicious-minded as I am 
concerning public people. I asked the 
warden to call Washington and find out 
if hats all there was He came back 
and said that was all there was to it 
PLAYBOY: So the letter you got on Janu 
ary 14 was the first you saw of the 1990 
restriction? 

HOFFA: That’s right. А 
it to this d; 
PLAYBOY: Your signature doesn't appe 
on any document that relates to the 
1980 restriction? 

HOFFA: Never will be on it 

PLAYBOY: And you blame whom? 

HOFFA: In my opinion, Dean, Mollenhaff. 
Colson and Fitzsimmons. 

PLAYBOY: So there was a conspiracy to 
keep Hoffa out of the union? 

HOFFA: | would uh. there certainly 
was an understanding of. uh, everyone 
of ‘em getting a piece of the pie they 
wanted. And they used Dean to get 
the pie. 

PLAYBOY: What would Dean get out of it? 
HOFFA: Oh, probably a favor to Colson 
I don't know if he got any promises of 
the hereafter, when he'd be out of gov 
ernment. But it could been a favor 
to Colson for whatever dealings they had 
together. If you read the Watergate deal. 
they had a lot ef dealings together 
Scratching each other's back. I suppose 
PLAYBOY: And Colson? 

HOFFA: Colson would receive, first of all. 


nd I never signed 


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78 


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Teamsters. 

PLAYBOY: How about Mollenhoff? 

HOFFA: He'd have satisfied his own, uh, 
dislike for myself, to keep me out of 
the union. 

PLAYBOY: Couldn't Fitzsimmons have got- 
ten to Nixon directly thro Colso 
HOFFA: Reading the WI House tran 
scripts, I don't think Colson was in much 
of a position to influence Nixon. I think 
he used Dean та 
tc 
PLAYBOY: 5 
any financial deal 
10 get you out of prison? 

HOFFA: Fitzsimmons says no. He says he 
only gave him 514,000, 

PLAYBOY: So there was no offer of what 
might be called a bribe? 

HOFFA: Absolutely not. Positively not. 
I did not. 

[At this point, there was an interrup- 
tion and Hoffa walked over to the win- 
dow of his kitchen. The tape recorder 
was turned off, but, by mutual agree- 
ment. the conversation remained on the 
record, The interviewer asked: “Come 
on, Jimmy, was any money paid to Rich- 
ard Nixon to get you out of prison?” 

Hoffa turned. from the window and 
said, "Yaaaaa. 

"The interviewer asked. “How mudi?” 

The reply, deadly serious, came after 
a long pause: “You don't wanna know.” 

A week later, with the tape recorder 
turned on, the interviewer reminded 
Hoffa of this exchange. Hoffa denied 
saying “any such goddamned thing."] 
PLAYBOY: But you had no one approach 
Nixon and say, "Look, $100,000 goes into 
your campaign . . "2 
HOFFA: I had nobody go there. If any. 
body went there. it was without my 
knowledge—even though there is a state- 
ment floating around that Allen Dorfman 
[а special consultant to the ‘Teamsters’ 
largest health-and-welfare fund] said at 
his trial in New York that he had а re- 
ceipt signed by Mitchell for a large sum 
of money—as a contribution. 

PLAYBOY: How large was the sum sup- 
posed to be? 

HOFFA: Now, that’s never been proven. 
Mitchell denied it under oath. What the 
hell's the name of the other guy—Stans? 
Yeah, Stans. He denied it. too. 

PLAYBOY: Is this Dorfman a friend of 
yours? 

HOFFA: A hundred percent 

PLAYBOY: Isn't he the man you set up 
in business through your Chicago con 
tacts back in the Fifties? 

HOFFA: No. Nobody set him up in busi- 
all. Allen Dorfman submitted a 
lor the insurance. And by 
vote of the trustees, he 
the agent for he insurance 


Was there 
le with Nixon 


Y 
PLAYBOY: But didn't you control the 
trustees at the time? 
HOFFA: I spoke my piece in favor of 


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OF course I did. 

PLAYBOY: All г Besides Fivsimmons. 

it seems as if Colson were the one person 
п most by the 1980 re 


who stood to £ 


m. When did he go on the Team 
oll? 
ИЩ 


months of the time 1 got 
out of prison. Hc certainly didit com 
by reputation, the r 
Пу didn't do chat. 
PLAYBOY. How much did he ger from 
the Teamsters? 

HOFFA: All told. probably in the neigh 
borhood of $300,000 a year. 
PLAYBOY: What qualifications did € 
have to be а Teamsters kiwver? 
HOFFA: Well, he had а shingle. 
PLAYBOY: So it was a deal? 

HOFFA: In my opinioi 

PLAYBOY: Jimmy. what about Frank 
Fitzsimmons? 
HOFFA: Well. what the hell about. him: 
1 already said he's a double crosser. And 
that's all there is 10 it, 

PLAYBOY: You said 
HOFFA: A man I took oll the truck! Made 
him an officer in th 


he got. 


union, saw that 
id more than one suit for the fist 
his lile. that he lived in a decent 
home. had an expense account! Kept 
raising him through the ranks of labor? 
And wh he took ov 
the presidency 
ary. He accepted the be 


] went to 


he becime power 
С that he 
me about 
1980 resriction 


Why did he come to believe he 
хм Jabor | 
HOFFA: How the hell do I know? 
of the Congressmen and Se 
ot. They couldn't spell rar back 
they couldn't make a living! They 
. for Chrissakes, theyre 
round. telling you how 
ld, and they cant even 


vok at 


with him. 
People look rror too a They 
grow by inches—sideways and down—but 
they don't grow. Their heads get finer, 
but they dowi get any more sense than 
they had before. 1 just think Fitzsimmons 
has gone completely power nuts. thats 
all. Someone took him up to the top of 
the mountain. Showed him the valley, 
and he bought the valley. But he fo 
the membership and he forgot the off 


the 


and forgot his responsibility to the oath 


he took Jor otee. 

PLAYBOY: Will Fitzsimmons be in office 
through 19802 

I don't think Fivsimnons will 


HOFFA: Well. the 
building а ho 
nd ps 
his jet, T don't think hell be 


best evidence is he's 
ac La Сома. With his 


around all over the 


golfin 
country 
а candidate 

PLAYBOY: You were the one who extend 
ed the first loan to develop La Costa. 


What time you go to sleep 
is your business. 


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PLAYBOY 


82 


somewhere around $10,000,000, isn't that 
right? 

HOFFA: Somewhere 
Been a long time ago. 
PLAYBOY: How did it start? 

HOFFA: Well. Moe Dalitz was the major 
owner of the Desert Inn. We loaned him 
money, he paid it back. When he wanted 
to go into the La С 
estate was booming at the time 
couldn't go wrong. That real estate's a 
good buy today! 

PLAYBOY: Was Meyer Lansky part of th 
HOFFA: Meyer Lansky no more to do 
with Moe Dalitz than you had. in my 
opinion. 

PLAYBOY: Aren't you and Lansky good 
friends? 

HOFFA: I know him. 

PLAYBOY: Ever do business with him? 
HOFFA: Nope. Never asked me to. My 
opinion. he's another victim of harass 
ment! 

PLAYBOY: Then you don’t think he's a 
member of organized crime? 
HOFFA: I don't believe there is à 
ganized crime, period. Doi 
Never believed it, Ive 
last 40 years. Hoover said it! Supposed to 
be the greatest law-enforcement man in 
Ame h the means to find ош. He 
said there was no М; no so-called or- 
nized crime. 

о Mafia? 


ound there, yeah. 


That's what 


Hoover 
PLAYBOY: Bur in 1958. during the Mc- 
ings, it was said that you knew 


inal than Dave 


Beck. 
HOFFA: Ah-ha! Th: 
1 don 


different question! 
deny the fact that I know, I 
s going on in most of the 
big cities of the United States. And that 
ns knowing the people, uh, who are 
ig cities. I'm no different than 
than insurance 
nies, no different than the politi- 
cians. You're a damned fool not to be 
informed what makes a city run. when 
you're tryin' to do business in the city. 
PLAYBOY: What about people like Li 

and Frank Costello? 
HOFFA: What about ‘eı 
PLAYBOY: The McClellan Committee said 
that they were organized-crime members, 
members of the Mafia. 


„ку 


2 


HOFFA: Yeah, yeah, sure. They said 1 was 
associated with the Mafia. They said 
Dorfman was part of the Mafia. And it's 


complete, 100 percent lie. ү know 
it. Everybody clsc knows it. So 
to say. “Well, he's a Mafia me 
he got an It name" Once 
while they say. for a man like La 
who's а Jew, “Oh, well, he was accepted.” 
PLAYBOY: How about Paul “The Waiter” 


Rica? 


What about him? Jesus Christ 
hty! He was in Chicago for 99 
day and if they thought he 


was so much involved in organized crime, 
why the hell didn’t they him? Hell 
of a note that the FBI, and the Congress, 
and the newspapers and everybody else 
s SoandSo's part of the Mafa; So 
this. Why don't they 
2 Why the hell don't they put 
al? What the hell they doing? 
Keeping him alive, like a mummy, so 
they can keep writi 
PLAYBOY: So where is Ricca now? 
HOFFA; Dead Dead! Why the 
hell king about all 


PLAYBOY: WI 
HOFFA: 
about that. 

PLAYBOY: Member of organized crime? 
HOFFA: Like you are. 
PLAYBOY: Member of the Май: 
HOFFA: Like you arc. 
PLAYBOY: Wasn't he convicted of. extor- 


t about Johnny Dio? 
nd of mine. No question 


HOFFA: Ah-ha! That’s a different question. 
1 know Johmny’s case. I know what 
Johnny's in jail lor. Don't agree with it 
‘Trying to help him get out. Should be 


out, Our association's trying to help him 
get out. And he’s a victim of newspaper 
publicity, just like 1 was. [Pause] 
Damned funny. though! All these people 


are supposed to have millions and mil- 
lions of dollars. Can't afford to hire law- 
yers. [Pause] Damned funny. 1 saw some 


of the biggest ones that there was sup 
posed to be, in prison. And their wives 


were on welfare and they didn't have 
ough money to come down and visit 
‘em. And yet they keep talking about the 


millions they got. 

PLAYBOY: Like who? 

HOFFA: Well, ] don't care то mention 
their names and embarrass them. But I 
seen "em. Th there. [Pause] D; 


y. 1 know people in town her 
» Detroit hey're part of the 
in't making a 


fu 


How come, 1 
they re not т: 
e 10 be specific? 
HOFFA: No. I don't want to . . . everybody 
knows who they are . . . the police de- 
partment knows, the prosecutor's office 
knows, the media knows. . 
PLAYBOY: What about Tony Gi 
HOFFA: Giacalone! Giacalone! 


n he had no involve- 


10 do with La Costa 
PLAYBOY: You me: 
ment ar all? 

Record 


speaks for itself, Сог 
to do with La Costa 
than you . May have visited 
went to the spa or to one of the golf 
tournaments down there, ‘cause he's a 
golfer- Why, he's got as much to do with 
La Costa as you have! 

PLAYBOY: But Giacalone was named as 


a member of organized crime by a Se 
committee back in 
HOFFA: What the hell has that got to do 


че 


committee : out 
lied about one! They 
And if they had such a charge, why 
the hell didn't they charge everybody 
with conspiracy and go 10 court? 
y's hard to prove: it's 
almost imposible to prove. 
hell! The easiest ime in 
the world to prove. Anybody indicted 
for a cons lawyer will tell vow 
it's the easiest crime the Government can 
prove. And that's why they put it on the 
books as conspiracy. The mere fact that 
you meet with somebody. or the fact that 
circumstantial evidence is involved 
What the hell're you talking about? Its 
the easiest Grime in the book to prove 
That's why they use conspi 
PLAYBOY: As far as conspiracies g 
always believed that the Gove 
out to “get Hoffa,” haven't you? 
HOFFA: Of course, First, Bobby Kennedy 
wanted to use the Teamsters as a vehicle 
to get the Kennedy name out from with 
something that was probably the greatest 
red on TV [the 


e! They 
proved 


ve 


you've 


ment was 


he couldn't. bull me, when he couldn't 
take over the Teamsters, why. it became 
а vendetta between he and And he 
used 512.000.000 in Government money 
то convict mc. Who the hell ever heard 
of the Keenedys before the McClellan 
Committee? They were nobody. А boot- 
legger. the old man. Common, ordinary 
bootleg: 
PLAYBOY: 
anybody? 
HOFFA: I've hired people to secure in 
formation for me where they could pos- 
sibly secure i 

PLAYBOY: Did they secure it by wire 
lapping? 
HOFFA: I didn't ask them. Not interested 


Have you ever w 


apped 


PLAYBOY: Did you ever tap Bobby 
Kennedyz 

HOFFA: И they 1 don't know. But 
І recewed information on Kennedy. 


How they got 
Wouldn't м 


ny FBI agents? 
ар ‘em. Somebody 


up 
N ' 

uh. Bern 
electronics expert] set up а monitor 
system in Chattanooga amd took infor 
outta the air from three of the 
папе]. We found out the 
ing the law: they were sur- 


g my lawyers and my witnesses 


We also proved they were attempt 
to get information which was tantamount 
to interfering with justice. And then we 
submitted the transcripts to the judge, 
Frank Wilson. He opened the envelope, 
then charged we had tricked 
ad a fi. The n 


2 ЖА. ААЛ ы а id X. LN ہو‎ Т, b 


Wat serveert men , 


voor de feestdagen 
Black & White Seth. 


Black & White. It's how you say happy holidays in Curacao 
and 167 other countries. And it all began in 1884. 


mong the wanscripts one 
of him ma telephone commun 
tion to Bobby Kennedy—and il 
in the middle of the t 
PLAYBOY: So then you had issued orders 
to tap Wilson's phone? 
HOFFA: No. li's not a question of tapping 
Wilson's phone. 

Kennedy's phone, then? 
out of the 


HOFFA: No. Та 
PLAYBOY: Bulls! 
phone conversations 


"out of the air." 
HOFFA: Don't tell me it’s bullshit! Don't 
tell me what they can do. 1 have the 
proof! Frank Wilson finally admitted 
he did talk to Bobby Kennedy during the 
though he 1 he was talking 
out hiring clerks for overtime typing. 
it took 15 minutes to do it! [Judge 
Wilson says that at no time did he com- 
h Kennedy. 

g out of the ай, Bernie did 
it with about a ton of equipment he 
brought down with him. We gave him a 
and set it all up and. being the best 
expert in the United. States, he just 
reached out with his communication sys- 
tem and took it out of the air. Right outta 
the air, everything that was going on, They 
knew it could be done. They do it every 
day in the week. 

PLAYBOY: There's a story that you ordered 
Marilyn Monroe's phone tapped. 
HOFFA: Thats the silliest thing I ever 
read in my life. 

PLAYBOY: And that the tapes are still 
supposed to be in existence. 

HOFFA: Aw, that’s a dotta crap! D never 
said no d that stupid 
stupid book, And, u 


the " who wrote that book, I 
think his name was— 
PLAYBOY: Norman Mailer. 


Ме stupidest thing I ever read 
my life. He admitted he hardly inter- 
did was 


anybody, that all he 
information oth. 
book on 
Mailer's Marilyn that contained the alle- 
gation Holla referred to, but The Life and 
Curious Death of Marilyn Monroe, by 
Robert Е. Slatzer.] And 1 understand right 
now he's in the proces of writing а book 
mc. When he docs, I'm gonna sue bim. 
Very simple. 
PLAYBOY: What il № 
to interview you 
HOFFA: Wouldn't talk to him, under no 
cumstances. I think he must be some 
kind of nut. 

PLAYBOY: All right, wh 


g 


iler called and asked 


t about the allc- 


HOFFA: Marilyn Monroe? I never knew 
she existed with Bobby Kennedy. If I 
did, I would've told him about it in open 


hearing. 1 already had a tape on Bobby 
edy and Jack Kennedy, which was 
so filthy and so masty—given to me by 
jılthat even though my people cn- 
4 me to do it, 1 wouldn't do it. 
зу and said the hell with it. 


a 
« 
1 put it 
Forget about it. 


PLAYBOY: What was on the tape? 
HOFFA: Oh, their association with this 
young lady and what they had did, and 
so forth. I got rid of the tape. I wouldu't 
put up with it. [Pause] Pure nonsense. 
PLAYBOY: You didn't feel you had a w 
10 get back at Bobby? 

HOFFA: 1 would not 
and family. 
PLAYBOY: Well, you've mentioned it now. 
HOFFA: Let it be at that. Let it stay that 
way. I'm not talkin’ about what's dirty 
and nasty. Maybe some people wouldn't 
think it. 1 did. 

PLAYBOY: Who was the girl? 
HOFFA: I'm not sayin’ that. [P: 
kno 
PLAYBOY: All right. Did you ever threaten 
10 kill Bobby Kennedy? 

HOFFA: Nope. Another lie. 

PLAYBOY: What about killing people? 
HOFFA: Sclf-preservation's a big word. 
PLAYBOY: Have you ever exercised your 
need for self-preservation? 

HOFFA: Never had to. 

PLAYBOY: You've never killed anybody? 
HOFFA: Never had to exercise the self 
preservation. But I'm certainly not going 
to let someone kill me. 
PLAYBOY: Have you ever ordered 
to be kille 
HOFFA: |P: 
PLAYBOY: Kil 
a problem? 
HOFFA: No, I don't think it solves anything. 
It just creates а few more problems—the 
FBI, the local police, newsy [Pause] 
Kill ‘em by prop 
But not physically kill "em. 
PLAYBOY: How about bus 
HOFFA: Nothin’ wrong with that. if they're 
in your way, uh, tryin’ to break a st 


ay 


mbarrass his wife 


use] 1 


ybody 


¢] Mmm, nope. 
the way to solve 


or tryin’ to destroy the union. Nothin’ 


wrong with that, in my opinion. 
PLAYBOY: You do have a reputation for 
g heads that goes way back. 


bust 


Ford Motors? They cracked heads all 
ver the lot. Unless you were able to take 
спе of yourself, they'd crack your head 
where it'd kill you. I survived. 

PLAYBOY: Have you ever hired any body- 
guards? 

HOFFA: Never. Don't need ‘em. 
need ‘em. They're in your way. 
PLAYBOY: But nor everybody loves Jim- 
my Hoffa. 

HOFFA: I'm not interested in what every 
body does. You got a bodyguard, you 
become careless, and if you look at all 


Don't 


ngsters that were killed with body- 
guards, you'll know they went to sleep. 
I don't care to go to sleep. 


HOFFA: People who allegedly were, uh, 
involved in bank robberies and othe 
kind. of 1 enterprises ly. 
They had bodyguards, How about ihe 
question of Roosevelt? He had all kind 


Ше 


of bodyguards down in Florida, didn't 
he? Little guy pops up nobody ever heard 
of. He starts shooting. He killed the 
луог [Anton Cermak of Chicago], didn't. 
Well, what do you want? What do 
е you go 10 
sleep and I don't care 10 go to sleep. The 
only guy who needs a bodyguard is a liar, 
a cheat, a guy who bet iendship. I 
don't do any of them. What the hell do 
you need a bodyguard for? 
PLAYBOY: So you're not afraid of anything? 
HOFFA: What the А 


been dead maybe 25 years ago. Lived 
three lives, Well, wh 


intend, to start tomorrow. 
Who's gonna bother me? They do? Well, 
then Г do somethin’ about (hat. 
PLAYBOY: You'll do what, exactly? 

HOFFA: Whatever I have to do. 

PLAYBOY: What do you mean? 

HOFFA: Just whatever I have to do to 
eliminate somebody bothers me. . . . VII 
do whatever I have to do. 

PLAYBOY: Such as killing them? 

HOFFA: Well, if they try to kill me and 
Ym in the position to t ay their 
gun, or whatever the hell they're using 
gainst me. If they get shot, that's th. 
trouble. It ain't mine. Hell, if I h 
people try to kill me, | survived it. 
Didn't have no bodyguard, but I survived 
ће... the threat of being killed, the 
attempt to be killed. lm still here. 
пке a keep my eyes open—drive my 
ow ‚ go where 1 wanna go, never 
n zl mo bodyguard. 1 don't cheat no- 
body. І don't lie about nobody. 1 don't 
frame nobody. I don't talk bad about 
people. If I do, I tell ‘em. So what the 
hell's people goma try to kill me for? 
PLAYBOY: То get you out of the way. If 


you win in your fight against the 1980 
restriction, don't you think somebody 
will try to have you killed? 

nd 


HOFFA: Hell, no. Hell, no. Go out 
ask any ten people you want—not union 
пу ten people in the United 
tes, ask ‘em whether or not I should 
ve the right to get back 
and whether or not Fiizsim 


crossed me. You'll get your answer. 
PLAYBOY: Do y 


ла think Fitzsimmons might 
ing to eliminate you? 


PLAYBOY: If he's gutless, then why did 
you bring him up through the 
give hi power he now Ix 
HOFFA: Very simple. We never asked 
Fivsimmons to go on a picket line or 
get involved in violence. We never asked 
Fitzsimmons to go out and do 
that could get him bad publicity. be 


PLAYBOY: 

organized crime 
HOFFA: Look, | never seen a single per- 
son, im the whole United States, even 
in front of the Senate committees, that 


raum to the subject of 


83 


Werning: The Surgeon General Has Determined 
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. 


Kings:17 mg; tar; 1.1 mg. nicotine— Д. r 
100's:18 mg. tar; 1.1 mg. nicotina av. percigarette, FIC Report Apr 75. 
i" 


^ 
E 
= 
E 
S 
A 
T 
9 
= 


2 
s 
= 
Е 
£ 
Ei 
S 
Б 


Marlbare 
x 


i 


you get a lot to like. - 


PLAYBOY 


86 


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he New Rollei 


under oath would say. "Jimmy Holla 
Joe Doakes or Pete Wilkes is part of 
organized crime!” 


PLAYBOY: Oh, come on. What about 
Frank. Costello? 

HOFFA: They never said il! They said 
that Frank Costello was a gambler, that 
he was an associate of organi ОГ 
uh, of hoodlums Never once did they 


say, “He is a member o 
PLAYBOY: Who's the guy who got shot in 
New York at Columbus Circle? Gambino? 
HOFFA: No, Not Carlo. h was—well. 1 
can't think of it offhand. [lt was Joe 
Colombo.] But they never said Costello 
was part of organized crime, just that 
he was part of a family associated with 
nized crime. 

PLAYBOY: OK. The Mob. the family. the 
Mafia 


HOFFA: Well? Well? Well? 

PLAYBOY: Well, doesn't it amount to the 
same thing? 

HOFFA: Bullshit! Take me. I pick up the 
phone and call anywhere in the United 
Siate 


I don't give a fuck what union 
s is Jimmy 
m! How 


nd 1 say. “Listen, 0 
He says. "Hey, yeah. 
уа?” 1 say, "Listen, I wa 
No questions asked. 1 tell him what 1 
want. He says "HET TH call 
ya back." He gets busy. maybe calls six 
other guys. Now, is that 
crime? ds that an organized Mafi 
some fuckin" thing? 

Guy in New York, Costello. Wants to 
call Joe Bommarito. He calls up. they 
go into dago. "Hey, whatcha do? 
“What's goin’ on?" “Hey. ya know 
andso?” "Nah, 1 опса know B 
"Well. finda out who he 
me back"  Blah-blah-blah-bla 
what is that? Organized crime? Or is 
that just like me calling you or you 
calling him, or what the hell is it? We 
know each other. We're maybe inter 
related or some kind of a relative or 
some goddamn thing. What kind 
bullshit’s that? Take the guy who's sup- 
posed to be in ch 


a favor." 


do it. 


or 


Sc 


is then call 


ol 


ge of the Mafia—or 


whatever you wanna call it—in Chicago. 
Has anyone ever proved he was the head 
of it? He's said to 'em 49 times, "What 


the hell do you want from me? [m in the 
meat business!" They never proved il, 
never indicted him. But they keep writin’ 
that he's head of the Mafia. 

Some magazine said / contol the 
Mafia. Now, І never heard а more god 
damned ridiculous statement in the whole 
world than that goddamned magazine! 
los Mar 


They said my good friend Ca 


cello called the Mob together and 
put up $1,000,000 to pet Hoffa owu 
jul What kind of bullshit is this? 


Where'd they get those figures from 


So when I got out, Carlos called me and 
said, "Hey, you got that million?” He 


aghed! Yet the newspapers print it, 
the goddamned books write it. And it’s 


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a joke! Mad magazine, that cocksucker! 
They came out with a thing in there about 
Нона. Bullshit! Esquire ma comes 


out with an article that says that Holl: 
psyched out Sirhan Sirhan to kill. uh 
kill. uh —— 

PLAYBOY: Bobby Kennedy 

HOFFA: J psyched him out? Them cock 
suckers! Like that roto system, 1 suppose 
Shit 

PLAYBOY: What's the roto system? 

HOFFA: Like movie actors have when they 
learn their lines. They put this recording 
on you; when you go to sleep, its under 
your pillow. It's like hypnosis, they keep 
repeating certain things—boom, boom, 
boom—to instill in your mind what isn't 
the truth but what will be the truth 
when you repeat it. Like the Japanese 
did to our people during the war 
PLAYBOY: And youre supposed to have 
brainwashed Sirhan that wa 
HOFFA: T hat's what they said in the fuckin" 
et Why, I didn't even know 


magazin 
the guy! The whole thing's so ridiculous, 
but my lawyer tells me you can't do 
nothing. 

PLAYBOY: Why? 

HOFFA: He says you gotta prove malice. 
Fake Giacalone. This bullshit indict- 
ment he's got now. What is 
now. Five times to bat, hop 
him—financially. physically 
And now when they can't do it, they 
come up with the "net worth" thing. 
PLAYBOY: That's where they ask vou tc 
show how you can live so well on the 
income you file on your tax returns. 

HOFFA: Right, it's the only thing in this 
country where you're guilty until proven 


e times 
to break 
morally 


innocent. They take vou from the time 
you got outta school until now. ask 
people how much you've spent. а 
your salary—and they just pur it on you 
and the law says you have to disprove 
it. Thats what Giacalone's gotta prove 
now. They put a net worth on him and 


now € 


acalone’s gota restructure his 


whole life from the time he was born to 
show where he got his money. I's gonn: 
be a hell of a thing to do. 

PLAYBOY: Back in 1957, during the Mo 
Clellan investigation, one of your sale- 
deposit boxes at your bank was opened. 
HOFFA: Yeah, I laughed at the cock- 
suckers! The deed to my house is al! 
they got. 

PLAYBOY. Lets talk about your finances 
How are you making money these days? 
HOFFA: Real estate. Business, . .. Helping 
arrange business deals. 

PLAYBOY: Do you want to talk specifically 
about any of the de 
HOFFA: Nope. The very minute 1 would 
be connected publicly with any kind of 
enterprise, it would immediately frighten 
everybody concerned with the deal. 
PLAYBOY: OK. How's your private life 
Do you get out much, to restaurants, 
that sort of thing? 
HOFFA: Eh. Once in a while. Very seldom 
Now, when we go out arm and 


‘Perth sends you йз Best 
for the Holidays 


F 


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о. 


PLAYBOY 


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PLAYBOY 


92 


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Jeg. What the ћете you gonna do? Num- 
ber one. I don't like the crowds. Number 
two, I don't like the prices. Number three. 
Т don't like the service. So what the hell 
am I gonna go ош for? Why should 
Josephine get dressed up for two hours? 
"The hell with it. It’s getting to the point 
where a guy with four kids, his old lady 
and himself has got to spend 570 a week 
for groceries, 
PLAYBOY: Wh: 
thing in your li 
HOFFA: Oh, my 
that 

PLAYBOY: And what's more important to 
you, money or power? 

HOFFA: Power. Power gives moncy. You 
got Doth if you got power. But you can 
have money without power. 

PLAYBOY: For years you feuded with the 
Kennedys, one of the most powerful 
families in the country. What did you 
think, personally, of Bobby Kennedy? 
HOFFA: He was a creep! 

PLAYBOY: And John Kennedy? 

HOFFA: Creep! 

PLAYBOY: How about Teddy? 

HOFFA: Well. I've known a hell of a lot 
of brothers in my life. Two. three, four 
to a family, the m y of ‘em no good. 
And maybe onc of Tem outta the lot, you 
couldn't find a better guy. Who the hell 
knows? Just because you're brothers, it 
doesn’t mean you're the same type. Don't 
mean that. Don't mean that at all. 

Ted Kennedy I hardly know. But I 
know pcople who've known him since 
the day he was born. Our people in 
Boston've known him. And they say he’s 
different from all two of the others. They 
say he likes a good time and that he 
would be the kind of guy who would 
gather around him a lot of people who 
wouldn't go to work for any other Ad- 
ministration. І suppose they mean pro 
fessors and what have yol have no 
faith in "em. So thats all I know about 
the guy. He never made any statement 
concerning me th 
when it was fashic 
a hell of a lot abe 


s the most important 
e right now? 
mily. No question about 


I know of—even 
ble. So 1 don’t know 
him. Matter of fact, 
if you talk to the guys in Washington, 
goddamned few of "em will say anything 
about Ted Kennedy. He apparently 
don't associate with other Cong 
and Senators. Of course, he can get in 

y time he wants it, he’s got it. 

PLAYBOY: You mean the Presidency? You 
think he’s going to run? 

HOFFA: Oh. just аз sure as you and I are 
here. Just as sure as you and I are here. 
ICN be a draft at the convention. 
PLAYBOY: How much do you think Chap- 
paquiddick will huit hi 
HOFFA: Aw, Christ! Fifty percent of the 
marriages are in divorces. And when you 
talk about moralit 
dow. How the hell's that gonna hurt 


smen 


it went out the 


PLAYBOY 


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him? He's sure as hell gonna get the old 
people. the welfare people. the Puerto 
Ricans. blacks, Mexicans. Hell get the 
majority of those. No question of that in 
my mind. How the hell could he lose 
Unless—there’s only one thing that 
could kill him and very well kill all 
Democrats. ‘They gor the House and the 
Senate now. If they keep fiddlin’ 
and not do rything except qu 
ing with cach other. very well, the Amer 
"Now, the hell 
h ya" and vote Republican. Thar's 
the way 7 see it. 1 don't see it no other 
way. 
PLAYBOY: Why did Kennedy say he 
wouldn't run? 
HOFFA: Get the heat off Chappaquiddick 
for 18 months. What the hell, they were 
banging him on the head with every kind 
of article, TV report, what have you 
But you notice the very minute he said, 
Im not gonna run," it stopped. So he 
was smart 
PLAYBOY: Don't you think Chappaquid 
will have to be resolved at some 
point? 
HOFFA: Phhht! He wasn't found guilty of 
по crime. What's he supposed to do? 
They didn't find him guilty! 
PLAYBOY: If Teddy runs and gets elected. 
do you think he'll be killed? 
HOFFA: Naw. I don't think—— You just 
don't kill What the hell! I don't 
think anybody's so cold-blooded that he'd 
shoot a guy because he's а Kennedy 
PLAYBOY: There was at least one publi 
cized attempt on your life, wasn't there? 


ound 


rel 


ican people could sa 
E 


In 1962, during your trial on 
illegal kickbacks, а man walked 
courtroom and shot you from behind. 
HOFFA: Yeah, de know his goddamned 
name. l forgot it now. It’s a matter of 
record. [It was Warren Swanson, a de- 
ged drifter] But everyone. was 
searched that went in and out of the 
courtroom. How the hell did he get in 
with a gun? . . Pm sure the marshal 
didn't overlook him. 1 he walked in 
with a gun, after everybody'd been 
searched! Like Martin Luther Ki 
You're suspicious but you can't prove it 
PLAYBOY: The min had a pellet gun. 
right? 

HOFFA: Which would go through a two- 
by-four. Kill you just as sure as а 22 
PLAYBOY: What's your version of what 
happened? 

HOFFA: Well, I looked and 1 seen him 
I ducked down, come up, broke his jaw. 
took his gun away from him. The mar 
shals were behind the file cabinets, same 
as the Government lawyers, my lawyers. 
same as the judge. They all came pounc 
ing out after 
guy knocked out and this marshal comes 
out with а blackjack and hits the poor 
bastard! I said, "Ya dumb bastard! Get 


ges of 
to the 


t was all over. 1 got the 


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PLAYBOY 


36 


—— —— 
. Isitlive,or 
is it Memorex? 


That's atough “у 
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outta here! The guys knocked out 
already!" 

PLAYBOY: How about the attempt on 
George Wallace? 

HOFFA: Who the hell knows? They got a 
file on every kook there is. 

PLAYBOY: And John Kennedy? Why do 
you think he was killed? 

HOFFA: Who the hell knows what deals 
he had? That he didn't keep? Who 
knows? 

PLAYBOY: Do you think Oswald did it? 
HOFFA: Aw, who the hell knows? | saw 
that simulation of the assassination. on 
ГУ, which made more sense to me than 
the Warren Report did. I'll be god 
damned. You tell me a guy cin figure 
out how to be there at the right moment, 
the right time, with a rifle—and hit a guy. 
you're a good man. I don't sce how you do 
it. I sce guys shooting at deer and I see 
crack shots shooting the decr. By God, 
they miss “em. And a decr’s about like a 
moving car. Ain't much difference. 
PLAYBOY: Why did Jack Ruby kill Os- 
wald. in your opinion? 

HOFFA: That's the 564 question. Nobody'll 
ever figure that out. А fanatic, maybe. 
Who the hell knows? 

PLAYBOY: What do you think of the con- 
spiracy theories of that former district 
attorney in New Orleans, Jim Garrison? 
Is he just a kook? 

HOFFA: No, sirice! Jim Са 
man. God ied sm: 
Anybody th 
themselves. 
PLAYBOY: All right, back to the Bobby 
Kennedy assassination. You don't think 
Nixon had anything to do with it, do you? 
НОА: Hell, no. Hell, no. He ain't that 
kind. of guy. 
PLAYBOY: So it was Sirhan acting alone? 
HOFFA: Well. 1 handle guns all my Ше. 
Here's а kid that went out and got a 
gun. Not much practice with the damned 
gun. And 1 would question whether he 
was cold-blooded cnough to be able to 


rison’: 


a smart 


rt attorney 
aks he's a kook is a kook 


pop up and shoot the guy without some 
one ... helping him. 1 just read about 
another guy. a ballistics guy, who said 
there was another type of bullet. Who 
the hell knows? Who the hell knows? 
PLAYBOY: Do you t nk we'll ever know 
about all these killings? 

HOFFA: Well, I watched the damned TV 
the other night, that Police Story and 
S.W.A.T. They killed more goddamned 
people than you gor hair on your head! 
Pause] Goddamned movies, TV! Kills 
19 guys a night. for Cl ——on Mon 
day and Tuesday night! Forty-nine guys 
they kill! So who the hell knows what you 
сап do? There was a nut on TV last 
night, just stated killing people. No 


body knew why the goddamned fool 
killed people. "Then they finally catch 
him . . . Kill hîm. So he's dead. He can't 
tell why he killed ‘em. People go ой 
their rocker. Who can tell? 


“TT GETS DARK EVERY NIGHT" 


a reporters impressions of the mysterious search for hoffa 


ane VIOLENCE that bad swirled around 
camster Local 299 in Detroit for the 
year had preyed on Jimmy Hoffa's 
mind, It wasn't the violence per se, since 
Hoffa and violence were hardly strangers. 
It was the why behind the recent incidents 
а bombings that bothered him. First, 
а boat belonging to Dave Johnson, presi- 
1 999 and а loyal Hoffa 
1 been blown out of the 
Then Ralph Proctor, an official of 
299, had been severely beaten by 
two men, Finally, the parked car of Frank 
Fitzsimmons’ son had been blown up near 
amsters hangout. 

I can't understand the damn thing, 
Jerry.” Hoffa said to me late Jast spring. 
“Dave Johnson's boat blown up—broad 
daylight. The Fitzsimmons kid's car— 
broad daylight. Ralph getting stamped 
by two guys—broad daylight. 1 just don't 
understand it.” 

“Why don't you undersi 
"Well, because it gets di 


supporte 
water. 


nd it, Jimmy?” 
к every n 


Broad daylight. Wednesday, July 30, 
1975. was going to be а scorcher. Hoffa's 
wile. Josephi ter told me that her 
husband seemed edgy and unsettled that 
morning—and it wasn't just the heat. “He 
didn't get up and start r g the yard as 
ly did; he was upset. I'd never 
like that.” 

The temperatur 
that morning, 
going to lie down on the picnic 
and that she should wake one r.M.; 
he had a meeting to attend. At five miu- 
wtes past one, Josephine woke him. He 
showered, kissed her twice (which bothered. 
her at the time, because it “wasn't like 


was in the 80s by ten 


him" to kiss her twice}, got into his car 
nd left. 
Holla drove to Pontiac, where he 


stopped at Airport Service Lines, a limou- 
sine firm owned by Louis “The Pope" 
Limeau, a longtime friend. Linteau wasnt 
there, but a couple of employees later said 
that Hoffa appeared very nervous. But he 
did go out of his way to mention the 


names of three men he was supposed to 
meet 

questioned, 
names of 


When the employees were later 
they could not recall the 
the men. The Hoffa family 
utrist, however, and. under 
nes emerged: Anthony 
“Tony Jack" Giacalone, Anthony “Tony 
Pro" Provenzano and Leonard Schultz. 
At 2:30, the phone rang in the Hoffa 
home. 
“Has Tony 
Hoffa. 
"No," sa 


alone called?" asked. 


Joseph 


ne, 


article By JERRY STANECKI 


“When he calls, tell him I'm waiting 
for him at the Red Fox restaurant on 
Telegraph.” 

(Josephine later told me, "I knew it was 
a message, He was telling me that if some- 
thing happened, I'd know. . ..") 


While Hoffa waited outside the restau- 
rant, two men recognized him 
him. They 


nd greeted 
ked, "How's it going?" Holla 
ever felt better in my life." 
30, Hoffa called Linteau from the 
restaurant, Linteau later said that. Hoffa 
was angry. xn Jack didn’t show, god- 
damn it, I'm coming out the 
"The call was the last anybody heard 
from Holla, 


Alibis. At the time the meeting at the 
Machus Red Fox restaurant was supposed 
to be taking place, Tony Giacalone was 
getting a haircut and a manicure at the 
Travelers Tower building in Southfield, a 
ten-minute drive from the restaurant. The 
building also houses the Southfield Athletic 
Club, a fancy exercise club run by Schultz's 
two sons and a favorite hangout of Giaca- 
lonc's. Police sources told me that the activ- 
ity that umi went on at the dub wi 
almost a routine: “Топу Jack walks in, sits 
down and starts E un business. One at a 
time, men approach him, talk quietly for a 
few minutes and walk away. It's like some 
thing out of The Godfather.” 

On that afternoon, Provenzano was on 
conspicuous display at à union hall in 
New Jersey. As for Schultz, he claims he 
was working in his garden. 

“I's damn funny,” Jimmy Hoffa, Tr. 
Everybody involved in this 
damn thing was either getting his nails 
done or was someplace with 10,000 w 
nesses when Dad disappeared.” 

Four o'dock cime and went. At home, 
Josephine was starting to worry. If Hoffa 
were going to be late, he would have 
called. Supper was generally served at four 
or shortly thereafter. The hour passed 
without word and Linteau went to Hoffa's 
home to wait with Josephine. They waited 
I might. About seven Thursday morn- 

Linteau drove to the restaurant, 
where he found Hoffa's car. Lintcau told 
me he knew Шеге was trouble when he 
found that the door on the driver's side 
was unlocked; Holla was a sticker about 
keeping car doors locked. Linteau looked 
around and left his business card on the 
ng wheel. A few minutes later, he 
called Joe Bane, president of Teamster 


Local 614 in Pontiac, at his Southfield 
home. The line was busy, so Linteau had 
the operator ЧЫН: with ап emergency 


ded for the Hoffa home after 
police friend and telling him to 
check out Hoffa's car. Jimmy, Jr., flew 
бот Traverse City, where he was vac 
joning, about the same time. 
The vigil, already tense, 
Jimmy. Jr., went to work and сай were 
made to any and everyone who would have 
any-idea what was going down. Specula- 
tion ran wild. At the Hoffa home, the 
hope was that it might be "only" a kid- 
aping, but the fear of a "hit" was in 
cveryone's mind. Hoffa's daughter, Bar 
bara Crancer, was met at the airport about 
five т.м. Thursday by Bane. A little after 


continued. 


six р.м.—97 hours after the disappe 
anc—]immy, Jr. notified the police. 
Ноа was now officially missing. The 


FBI was notified but did mot officially 
enter the сазе. (There vas as yet no е 
dence of a Federal crime.) 

Friday and Saturday passed with no 
word from Hoffa. Several times а day, I 
spoke with Jimmy, Jr, and his sister. 
Barbara, as Holfa once told me, "is a lot 
like me, while Jimmy, Jr., is more like 
his mother.” Barbara was now displaying 
her father's traits. She was on the phone 
constantly and she was making demands. 
By the time she got through to Edward 
Levi, U. S. Attorney General and Clarence 
Kelley, FBI Director, she was shouting. 

"You used 9000 agents to put my 
father in jail,” she said. "How about usi 
a couple of agents to find him! 
short time later, ihe Auorney Gener- 
al acted. On the basis of an anonymous 
t—Kelley announced that extortio 
demands had been received by the Hoff: 
family—the FBI was entering the case, As 
a newscaster put it in a lead story on a De- 
troit station: "The FBI, which has yet to 
solve the Patricia Hearst case, has finally 
entered the Jimmy Holla case.” 


Josephine Hoffa is a friend of Jeane 
. the “seer” who became famous 
ing predicted the assassination of 
John Kennedy. Josephine told me that 
she had called Dixon just alter the dis- 
ippearance of her husband. Dixon told 

“Jimmy's 
g very im 


and he knows some- 
t" On Monday, the 
fifth day after the disappearance, Jose- 
phine said she woke up clutching’ her 
heart. “I knew then—and only then—that 
Jimmy was dead.” Later that same morn- 
ng. she received a call from Dixon. “I'm 
y^ Josephine said Dixon told her, 


97 


PLAYBOY 


98 


“but Jimmy's dead. Нез in 
somewhere.” 

Im not much of a believer in such 
things, but something that happened to 
me the next day, Tuesday, made me won- 
der. | had made a television appearance 
on Dennis Wholeys AM Detroit show 
to discuss the Holla case, and just after 
going oll the air, I way told there was an 
urgent call for me from an unidentified 
woman. Her voice was trembling. She 
mentioned the name of a man and added, 
“He knows what happened to Jimmy 
Holla, He has a boat and they were both 
in the boat and they went to Harsens 
Island [an island in Lake Saint Clair]." 
She then hung up. I checked out the lead. 
The man she mentioned docs own a boat, 
is very vich and has been linked to organ 
ized The man has to rem. 
anonymous for now, because the FBI is 
checking him out and the allegation ma 
tum out to be spurious. But what un- 
s the date the woman men- 
had been in the boat 
the fifth day after his disappe: 
told no one about the telephone call. 

A week later, an elderly Detroit wo 

g to be a psychic appeared on 
local television show and claimed she had 
mmy Hoffa. She said she 
im under water, shot twice 
in the head. He was naked, she said, with 
а strap around his chest Hoffa's body 
could be found, she concluded, flo: 
“near Harsens Isla 

"Then. in latc September, there wa 
information, which police took mor 
ously. A Mob informant contacted. the 
Senate Permanent Subcommittee on Inves 
ns. then gearing up to probe the 
Hair under the chairmanship of 
ackson. He knew where Hoffa's 
body was bi id. lt was not unde 
ater but underground, somewhere in а 
field iı Waterford Township. about 15 
miles from the Machus Red х 
nt. Reports from the street had it th 
the Mob was holding one of the men in- 
volved in el па that the 
атса the body found. ‘That would 
place the murder under state jurisdic- 
tion and thus take Federal pressure off the 
Mob—a result the Mafia badly wanted, 
i as rumors had it, it was not di- 
nvolved in the hit. Police investi 
ators, armed with shovels and bulldozers, 
plowed up the field but found пок 
after three days. Off 
tinue digging. 


crime. 


ied. he 


Is vowed to con- 


Charles “Chuckie” O'Brien. describes 
himself as Hoffa's "foster. sou" having 
been dose to the Holla family since child- 
hood, and is active in Detroit union poli- 
Today, the Hoffa family claims that 
rien gi exaggenited his ties to 
When O'Brien refused to be ques- 
tioned in the days after Hoffa's disappear- 
ce. police officials said he was "missing" 
wd began to leak their suspicions that 
O'Brien might somehow be involved. 


“Missing. shit! 
“Who the hell s 


had dinner with the Giacalone family on 
Friday, August first, ata restaurant in Port 
Huron. On Saturday, he'd gone to the 
barber in the Southfield. Travelers Tower 
building, where hed seen Giacalone 
And on Sunday, he'd Hown to West 
asas, to be with his new 
“So where do they get all this ‘miss- 
2" he asked. He got madder. “The 
Feds are leaking this right and 


Memphis, Ан 
wife. 


O'Brien and Hola had been close, but 
according to Jimmy, Jr. and Lintewu, 
they became estranged in November 1974. 
OBrien had ambitions to take over the 
presidency of De 
by Dave Johnson. At the time, Richa 
Fitzsimmons, son of Hoffa's archfoe F 
Fitzsimmons, was running against John- 
n. O'Brien felt hie could represent Hol- 
s interests against Fivsimmons better 

Johnson could. So he made his pitch: 
“I wied to convince him that ird be 
better if 1 were there [in the presidency] 
versus a guy 68 years old [Johnson]. With 
my youth, and using Jimmy's methods, I 
could get 2 s before 
he left. 1 really opened up to him, but 
Jimmy wouldn't give me his support. He's 
à compron ind he was only looking 
for a de: ke everybody happy.” 

A week O'Brien denied hed 
all. When I reminded 
him that he'd told me about it and quoted 
the conversation verbatim, he just shook 
his head and said. "Hell, no! Hell, no! 
Hell, no!” It seemed to me that under the 
pressure, O'Brien was “spit 
10 have it every which was. 

O'Br theless insisted there hı 
been no falling out between them 
there were rumors—and accusat 
that he had switched sides, that 


no 


hed 
thrown bis support behind Fitzsimmons. 


O' Bri 


ed itat every opportunity, 
Jr. took me aside and за 
did Chuckie go visit Fitzsim- 
mons ashinpton on. August. fourth— 
exactly five days after. Dad. disappeared 
Jimmy, Jr. made no bones about his 
suspicions regarding O'Brien's involve- 
ment. The confrontation between the two 
came carly Frid: August 
O'Brien gave me versi 
Jimmy called and asked me to come out 
to the house. When I arrived, I could see 
|. "Jimmy. you look 
1 you go lo bed and 


anc 


ni 
his 


first 


) valk. Aud he i 
to me as if he 
1 told him to 
"You know more 
talking about! 1 think you're 
I looked at Jimmy and said, 
id the guts taken out of me in my 
lifetime, but you just Cut “em out.’ " 


of. prosecute 


but he only got madder. 
than you 


During that week, O'Brien came under 
Imitted to police that 
the area of the Red Fox restau 
. He ad 
to Tony 
aloes son, Wess ime БШ Cii 
ar, bloodstains were found on one ol 
ts. ing a fish, а 10- 


pound Bobby Holmes's house. 
O'Bri The fuckin’ blood 
was from FBI analysis later 
concluded that not of 
human or 

O'Brien continued to profess complete 
innocence. “It's 7 he said. 
“Little Jimmy and ing my 


guts out demanding 1 take a liedetector 
test! What the hell is wrong with the 

Oh с а polyg 
When su aed before th 


en did not 


Provenzano finally met with. reporters 
on the front lawn Handale. 
Florida, home. “You're embarrassing me 
in front of everyone in the neighborhood. 
he said. wearing а white swimming suit. 
‘ou guys make me look like a mobster. 
I'm not. I'm just a track drive 
Tony Pro denied he was in Detroit the 
day before Hofla disappeared, as some 
reports had it, and claimed he hadn't been 
în Detroit for years. As to Jimmy's dis- 
rance, just days before: “Jimmy 
is—my friend" A slip of the 
aps, but reporters leaped on 
an put 
Топу Pro barked. 
the house. 


пу verb you wa 
nd he stalked 


Tuesday evening. August fifth, in a 
pouring rainstorm, Jimmy, Jr. and Bar- 
bara walked to the whitemetal picket 
nee th 
“We are ой 
Jimmy told waitin 


surrounds the Hoffa compound. 
a $200,000 
reporters. "for infor- 
ther.” There had be 


reward. 


rumors from the underworld that a c 
tact had been put out on Holl 
^ 


and that 
porter turned 


the price was $100,000. 
to a collcagi 1 said. “Boy, PI bet the 
hit man's pissed off. A hundred grand for 
the job—bu he could have made mo 
hundred by just reporting where Hoffa's 
hody is.” No one laughed. 

Thad been told by a source in Wash 
ington that the FBI wits working on 
a theory that Joseph Zerilli. dhe reputed 
godíather of the Dewoit Майа, had be 
asked to go to the commission and ge 
contra. Zerilli allegedly is опе of a dozen 
Mafia commission the county. 1 
mentioned this to Bane while we talked 
after the ^d he looked 
at me 's truc. you c 
n't no thre 
said. 


bet one thing 
vote." A little |: You 
know, Jeny. 1 don’t think we'll ever see 
the little guy again.” 


Inter on 


gain. 
ad 1 were both physically 
exhausted. It started 


and 
ting 


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She Salt 


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your car controls the road, handling both curve and straightaway with marked 
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most pleasant price. You will enjoy great confidence. For which there can be no price. 


harder, so we went to a nearby bar. Bane 
was clearly concerned about having gone 
to the Holla home. He looked at me and. 
quietly t think bad 

n old 


friend's f: 
1 knew P 
Teamsters. 

“No,” I said, "I wouldn't think so, Joe.” 


id still no 


A couple of days later 
news just more theories, Jimmy, Jr.. and 
I were talking. “The old man was a fool,” 
he said. "I don't mean а fool disrespect- 
fully, I mean a fool because he'd take on 
nybody." He was silent for 

added, "I even im my Si 
because he was concerned.” 

1 knew it was unlikely that Hoffa had 
had the Smith & Wesson with him on that 
Wednesday. because he hadn't carried а 
gun for years. But as Jimmy, Jr. said, 
Hoffa had to know whoever he met that 
day. “If someone tried to take him in thy 
parking lot" he said, "Dad would have 
jumped him then and there. He had to 
know and he had to trust whoever he got 
into the car with.” 

It was during this period, a week or so 
after the disappearance, that one theory 
began to gain currency on the street: Tony 
Giacalone dly Deno; 
enforcer, 


ave | 


5 most feared. 
contract. Two 
weeks before Holla di: ared. he was 
visited at his home by lone and hi 
brother, "Billy Jack.” They proposed а 
meeting that would include Provenza 
on the pretext of burying the hatchet be- 
tween Hoffa and Provenzino 
I was told by a 

twice in recent 
1 been scheduled— 


close friend of Hof 
weeks a meeting h: 
but Tony Jack had be 
With Giacalone’s name out in the open, 
nts under question, 


T and the other reporters covering thi 
began to dig into the motives of the sup- 


posed hit. In the months preceding Hof- 

^ . the possibility that 
his court fight to end 
inst participating in union 
as becoming increasingly real 
The court of арр s going to rule it 
Hoffa's favor, went one argument. An 
other theory involved а Presidential par- 
don. If Nixon could be pardoned. why 
not Holla? Or, more to the point, Hoffa's 
old mentor, Dave Beck. had been par- 
doned earlier in the усаг by President 


Ford. Many observers felt might 
be a test balloc по public 
outery, it would be аг signal 


Holla could safely he pardoned, too. 
There was no outery. Finally, Hoffa had 
expressed о me a feeling that Auorney 
ıl Levi was about to recommend a 
i, however, 


ter 


y inve 
ice began to be 
issued on Monday, August 25. 1 had asked 


a source in the FBI whom they expected 
to call to the stand. “It’s simple,” he told 
me. “We're going to paper the country 
with subpoe 

‘The parade to the fourth floor of the 
Federal Building in Detroit began the day 
after Labor Day. The fist wimeses to 
testify were the employees of Linteau': 


s 
nousine service who had recalled under 
hypnosis the 


mes of the men Holla said 
he was meeting. The next day. September 


third, it was Chuckie O'Brien's tum. He 
ppcared with his attorney, James Bur- 
dick, and was decked out in an open- 
collared 


shirt and sports jacket, But 
natty attire, he clearly showed 
i not the 

4 of. He spent 
inside the grand-jury 
O'Brien. withheld com- 
ment and Burdick delivered an attack on 
the Federal Government and on the 
ji Walking down the 
crowd of reporters and 
O'Brien 


ived at a nearby garage. I quietly 
asked. “Chuckie, did you take the Fifth?” 
O'Brien stared at me a moment and ju 
as quietly said, "Yes. Numerous. times. 
O'Brien got into Burdick's car and sped 
away for the airport, where lic boarded a 
flight to Flori 

On Thursday, Leonard Schultz was 
called as a witness, Schultz was expected to 
take the Fifth but pulled а surprise. He 
Iked for more than two hours. Several 
times, he came ont of the jury room and 
conferred with his attorney. 

The scene in the hall was like a cami- 
Joc Ване, Jr. had brought a lawn 
nd got into a hassle with a U.S. 
marshal who demanded he remove the 
chair. After a loud argument. he did so. 
u was tired of waiting, so he started 
1g а mop down the corridor. Crowds 
s, attorneys and re- 
Before testifying, 


porters milled abo 
Schultz got into a loud argument with a 


television reporter, calling him а whore. 
"The reporter yelled back at him and the 
argument continued for about 30 minutes. 
nd during all the commotion, a few feet 
behind the dosed doors, the grand jury 
probed. 

Joe Bane appeared to testify and wa 
and out after three minutes: He. too, took 
the Fifth. “You know, Jerry.” he said to 
me. “those cocksuckers are after me. Тус 
been told I'm going to be indicted on 
another m matter. You know I want- 
ed to talk, to do anything to help Jimmy, 
w can't trust the lousy mother- 
fuckers. Sure as hell they'd throw me a 


d also admitted to taking the Fifth. 
hours telling what 


norning of Monday, September 
"Tony 


unscasonably cool. 
„ dressed in a ре 


eighth, was 
Jack Ciacalon 


Western-cut suit, fought his way through 
the mob of reporters gathered in front of 
the Federal Building. Не spoke not a word. 
nd walked directly to the elevators lead- 
to the grand-jury floor. "My God, 
said а network anist who had sketched 
hundreds of courtroom faces, “he really is 


а mean-looking man. 
There was а long wait, but at 19:15 
calone finally entered the grand-jury 

room. He was out three minutes later. 


‘The reporters swarmed around him again, 
but he refused to reply, giving them only 
ап icy stare. On the elevator g 
one reporter n 

you just give us a correct a 
lone? Not a muscle ace moved. 
The reporter persisted: “We'll just say 
уоште under 40." For the first time, 
Giacalone cracked a smile. The journa- 
lists followed him out onto the street. 
TV reporter Robert Bennett got into a 
revolving door behind Giacalone in a 
building down the sweet. Tony 


the sidewal 
into th 
gesture: 


2: 
reporter's face. And with th 
writing—the case of 
appearance was efec 
tively slammed shut. 


Did organized crime order James Rid- 
dle Hoffa executed? Police. the FBI and 
reporters close to the case think so, They 
also think Hoffa was murdered because 
of his public struggle to regain the presi 
dency of the International T 
Union. As to the Mob figures i 
the Hoffa family, at least, thi 


who thi On Sept ninth, when 
Jimmy Hoffa, Jr. said publich he 
thought his futher had been assassinated, 


he was pressed for details. 
have been publicized.” he repli 

Hoffa's son also still consid 
O'Brien а 


s Chuckie 


ked on," O'Brien 
Га go myself first.” And what 
sters under Frank Fitzsim- 
mons? If only because of the Mob 
that go back 20 years, it seems r 
to assume there 
Mob. with its I 
sters business, feared that Hoffa would 
replace the e: Fiusi it is 
also reasonable 10 assume it would make 
a choice of one over the other. Fitzsim- 
mons continues to deny any knowledge of 
the affair and will admit to no connection 
whatever with the Mob. (In fact, when I 
suggested ay much 10 him over the tele- 
phone one day this past summer, he 
practically spat at me over the wire. 
any case, the driver of a car see 
syhania may be asking the most tantaliz 
question of all. The car had a bumper 
sticker on it. It read, FITZ—WHERE'S 


nan? 
Ba 


told me. 
of the Те 


in Penn. 


101 


PLAYBOY 


ITE ME OFF 2 HARRY, 
L PAY BACK EVERY SEC. 


IT 15 UNDERSTANDABLE that Тот was des- 
perate. Near panic. His time was running 
out. To be morc precise, his account at 
the Timebank had a balance of one hour 
14 minutes and 97 seconds: 1 hr 14 min 
If he could not make a deposit 
that period. count would be 
. At that moment, he would stop 
breathing. Не would be dead. Perhaps 


102 this requires further explanation. 


YOU MUST GE 


MISTAKEN. I 
DON'T KNOW 


In this land, which is far away from 
Ours, in time as well as in space 
is a huge building in the center of the 
capital 


there 


It is the tallest and the widest 
building in the land. It has no windows, 
for no one cares to look in, and there is 
no one inside to look out. Inside, there 
are only endless wires, dials, meters, cal 
culators, robot computers, circu 
equally important, circuit. breakers 


DON'T KNOW ME? 
I'M TOM. I GAVE 
YOU A MONTH. 


endless rows and tiers, row upon row, tier 
upon tier, dick and hum quietly. Oc 
casionally, there is a louder click, more 
of a clack. as a circuit breaker closes an 
account. This is the Timebank 

How could Tom have gotten into such 
a predicament, to allow his account to 
t so low? Sloppy bookkeeping, he told 
rily. Like everyone else, Tom 
kept a record of income and outgo, credit 


and debit, in his own I 


to sell а block of that oil stock to good 
g block good for over four 


Timebank, when you could (and should) 
balance your records against it. But he'd 
neglected this for a long time 


min 19 sec). Too bad the oil stocks hadn't 
That's the way it goes. No 
Ancient history. But now. 
1 hr 14 min 27 sec 
That girl with the scarlet hair, 


ways had a safe margin in his account 
Not like Dick or Harry, but safe. Once, 
he had fallen as low as two days! (47 hr 
54 min 13 sec.) That had been a three 
alarm sweat session. 


fathers of this 


THE GIRL HAD 
SCARLET HAIR, 
EMERALD EYES... 
AND SOMETHING 
OF HIS THAT HE 
DESPERATELY 
NEEDED... 


land, prudent merchants all, sought a 
motto to place on the Great Seal, on the 
Green Flag and upon the currency. they 
unanimously chose those words that best 
expressed their deepest philosophical and 
religious beliefs. Time is money. Upon 
this base, they built a mighty nation 
Mothers whispered it to babes at their 


breast. Maidens murmured it in the 
depths of their wedding beds. Youths 


ILLUSTRATION BY FRED FREDERICKS 


> 


PLAYBO 


104 confusi 


bore it aloft on banners as they charged 
into fire. Shipwrecked sailors 
they went down for the 


d to Dick's office. Fortu- 
it was next door. As he dashed, 
he tried to recall. That night with the 
girl with scarlet hair and emerald eyes: 
There had been so many drinks. Wha 
Wha 
ortunately, he w 
hind his desk. going over his accou: 
careful 
Dick. old s time to rally 
round the fla ly as 
he could but. perspiring profusely on his 
forehead and under his collar. 
Dick looked at him questioningly. That 
he raised his eyebrows. For Dick. the 
hearty tone and the perspiration were 
clues to what was comin 


He was seated be 
. He 


" said Tom as hea 


I've something special for you. extraor- 


said Tom briefcase, tryin, 
to decide which folder to pull out. 

Dick watched him coldly. That is. he 
did not al by the prospect. 
But he waited. 7 ihe folder 


om gl 
he'd pulled out. Not bad. 


A 
fabulous," 

You told me about that last month,’ 
said Dick. 

“1 did? What did you sty? 


пе, pure uranium, 


o. 
'Oh. 
Tom con 
the one 1 
process for ext 
water. А gold mine. Fantastic." 
T ed, Tom. 
“Dick, I need a sale, fast." 
hat oil stock, Tom. 
“L couldn't help that. I lost on that, 


ued to search, "That's not 
t. This is it. A new cheap 
ng poloni 


n from sea 


100. Dick, 

Sorry,” said. Dick. 

"Dick, down to almost . . . nothing. 
Lend me a lite. A week.” 

“A week?" He h hed in a wi 
said no. 

Iw Please, Dick." 

I'm not a lender. See Harry.” 


T already owe Harry.” 
"I'm busy. Goodbye, Tom.” 
“Dick. 


The founding fathers, prudent mer- 
chams all, wisely understood that the vast 


ty of 


people in this land could 
be тимей to handle thei 
without making a mes of eve 


And the clever minority who could handle 
their affairs with no mess at all were to 
be usted even less. After establishing one 
central bank so they could keep an eye 
оп everyone, the prudent fathers exper- 
imented with v versal- 
credit gadpets—cards, plates, tags. But 
persisted d 


ts of un 


Us sc 


error, loss, theft 


the like, However, when th 
concept of the T 


though, 
cl the 
Sacred Motto Бесате Reality. Time is 
moncy. 

With this electronic advance, there w: 
allel biological development, The 
viruses thar cause aging were isolated. 
was developed (from water, 
and fire). Th ing was 
t it became barely notice- 
able This created other problems, chief 
mong them the threat of overpopu| 
The prudent merchants considered. the. 
pros and cons. Increased use of goods and 
services. Overpopulation and chaos. This 
problem, like so many others, was solved 
hy the creation of the Timebank. 

Tom's personal problem was becoming 
more pressing as the seconds ticked off. 
He rushed to Harry's office and was kept 
iting at the reception desk for 14 price- 
les minutes. 11 min 
anxiously on the hard bench, 
possibi 
pened to demolish accoun 
the Timebank made a mistake? Unlikely: 
but on rare. occasions. rumored 
that a circuit had been faulty. Pretending 
to stroke his right car. he gently and 
ually pressed the lobe and waited. Then 
the impersonal voice spoke softly through 
the tiny device implanted in his inner 
so softly that only he could hi 
voice as soft 
5| minutes, 

"The last sound was 
the end of the repo у 
if brushing back the hair on his temple 
he pressed the right lobe. once, twice. 
thrice. was a call for a 
to examine the account. А spec 
that would cost 2 min. He waited. Then 
three soft pings. The robot report 

“Re account number T-7% 


earth 
slowed so 


ed over the 


was 


45 seconds.” Ping. 
у bell 


1-Х7 fol- 


se was to call the chief 
accountant. This would cos 10 min. 
Where was Harry? He walked to the re- 
ceptionist’s desk for the third time. The 
red-haired girl looked at him with some 
annoyance. 
Wait your 
youre here." 
The half-dozen other men 
in the room watched him warily. They 
all looked unhappy. They were all there 
to borrow from Harry. There was a large 
dock on the wall. Its loud ticking was 
the only sound in the room. All listened 
nervously, Tickticktick. One man. kept 
time, his hands moving up and down c 
knees. A woman marked time with a 
hi movement of her 
th a foot. All were 


[m 


please. Не knows 


id wome 


there becau 


they needed time, Ос 
ad moved casually to an 
the fixed stare as the lis 
tener received his report, heard only by 
him. And the others in the room, pre 
tending not to notice, noticed. Each could 
imagine the soft voice, the ping. And as 
h borrower entered the office, 
he was watched with some hostility by 
the others. Would that one use the same 
ne for sympathy, ask for more time, 
seule for less, spoil it for the 


The тей 


ed receptionist. reminded 


Tom of that night. The girl with scarlet 
and emerald eyes. That night at the 
motel, She was at the bar, the most be 


tiful girl he had ever seen. So she seemed 
that night In the parent. gown. 
They'd had so much to drink. She had 
been so sweet, so alluring. so soft and 
smooth. What had happened that night? 
The fix he was in apparently dated from 
that time, It was all so foggy. . . hard to 
remember. Hed made love to her? Yes, 
soft and smooth. What else? 

"You may g 


‚зг. 
she had to 
t her words. He jumped up and 
rushed into the inner ofice. 

Hamy sat behind his desk. He did not 
get up as he used to when Tom visited 
him, when Tom was an old friend. Now 
Tom was а borrower. Harry was a lender. 
The eyes of a lender are cold. 

“I'm in trouble, Harry.” 

Нату eyes grew colder. He waited. 

“I need help. I'm short. 

“Not the fuse ti 


He was so lost in reve 


repen 


ту 


“The worst time. Fm very short, 
Hany 
“You already owe me. Tom.” 


“L know, Harry. I intend to pay you 


the door as though the 
were finished, 
Tor 


said 


frantically. “Tm 


Iul confession 
the cold lender eyes seemed startled. 
“Where are you 
“Less than an hoi 
Hany sighed and dasped his hands 
ightly together. 
“How did vou get into such a mess? 
“Fm uot sure. It just happened. Harry. 
will you help me? 
Harry looked 
© memories 
“1 can't. Tom. You alr 
We have regulations 
“You're allowed exceptions. Harry, TII 
pay you back. Double, triple 
“You are already а bad risk. You owe 
ne four weeks. Plus interest. Four weeks. 
А total loss. PIL have to write you off.” 
(continued on page 242) 


Even 


his desk, Even lenders 


uly owe mc. 


modern living By MORTEN LUND Skiers, as near- 
ly everybody suspects, are a breed apart. It is well known 
that snow bunnies and hot doggers alike will put up with 
just about anything to find that slope of perfect pow- 
der, that flash of pure crunch. But why work for your 
pleasure? There should be a way to improve the odds 
on finding the good times—a Michelin guide to skiing. 

But there are as many different kinds of skiing as 
there are skiers. It's impossible to argue matters of taste. 
No mountain can guarantee a peak experience for all 
comers. If there were a best resort, it wouldn't last long. 
The slopes would soon resemble Times Square tilted on 
edge—great if you're into broken-field skiing but not 
much else. Ski maps—those eightfold paths to enlighten- 
ment—help narrow down the choices, but you have to 
know what you're looking for. 

The editors of PLAYBOY asked Morten Lund, author 
of “The Skiers Bible" and “The Skiers World" and 
contributing editor of Ski magazine, to come up with 
criteria that would allow us to make those choices. What 


р | 


North American mountain offers the ultimate pleasure 
run, combining the thrill of an Alpine descent with thc 
breath-taking scenery of а cross-country jaunt? Where 
do you find the best powder? Where does someone with 
а death wish go to confront the void and his own freak- 
out quotient? Where do the “Have skis, will travel” 
hot doggers get it on? Where can a beginner begin? If 
you're the kind of person who worries about such things, 
where is the best place to have a shi accident? If you 


where skiers should go 


for peak experiences... 


don't know when to stop, how do you pursue the End- 
less Winter? If you're more into scoring than into skiing, 
what is the best aprés-ski town and the best après-ski 
singles scene? May we have the envelopes, please? 


THE BEST DOWNHILL RUN 

A great ski run is made, not born. The days are long 
gone when kudos went to the man who cut a trail in a 
haphazard line down the mountain to produce what 
looked like the track of a worried rhino trying to find 
his way out of a canebrake. No applause, either, for 
the man who merely cuts a superhighway straight down 
the mountain—no matter how fine the mountain itself 
may be. Every great ski run has a creative thrust, a 
fantasy to it, a lilting, rhythmical quality that defies 


both on the 
slopes and off 


PLAYBOY 


108 Roch. By now your skis are 


should be like а musical 
score. composed with one effect 
joy—yet subject to differ nterpreta- 
tions, It should improve with cach playing. 

The criteria for honors in this category 
are simple. A candidate should combine 
surprise. contour, variety. challenge and 
а wail should have enough pitch 
ke you ski. enough scenery to make 
you stop and enough quick shifts to keep 
you in delightful tension (or attention). 

А ran should use wees 
vary the scope. to create a sensation of 
entering and leaving different zones. It 
has to produce that deep satisfying feel 
that comes from а well-made trail cut 
with a skiers eye, а пай whose banks and 
turns coalesce in a fine swooping descent, 
the exact shape of the nest stretch half 
hidden, halfrevealed, fully unraveled 
only at the instant of execution, sinc 
tioned by the grace of performance dle 
manded in necessary subile shifts of 
technique, 

Tops for s and still champ is 
Rethies Ron at Aspen. In 1917. Ruth 
Brown, wife of the president of the Aspen 
Skiing Corporation. wearied of fightin 
the two existing Aspen trails. One. the 
Roch, dropped rapidly through the woods 
in а swath barely 20 fect wide at points. 
down Aspen. Mou ke а 
рай. The other. Silver 
. was designated as intermediate by 
of being somewhat less torturous. 
Gü-degree chute in the mid. 
dle know: levator Shaft (“Sometimes 
you get the elevator and sometimes you 
get the shaft"). Мағ, Brown offered to. 
buy 83000 worth of corporation stock i 
her own name if ihe m 
cut something a bit moie restful. 
sult was one of the first 


the 


virtuc 


gement would 
Ihe re- 


runs in the U.S.. two and 
long, 3000 feet down. 
Ruthies offers a unique terrain: The 


top is open, the middle runs between two 


huge counterslopes and some var 
igh shakers. 


are real th 


Today ihe tr 
includes the original cut, sections of the 
old Roch and detours through newer 
runs such as Aztec and Kreuzeck, all cc 
ted by an oll mining trail called Dago 
Cut Road. Ruthies has been reshaped so 
many times it is chacological wealth 
open to the sky—a complex juxtaposition 
of old 
ven in its transformations, Ruthies 
maintains the sweep and grandeur of its 
ginal conception. It can be run as an 
mediate or expert descent and, with 
by novices. The trails repr 


id new. 


semed in Ruthies could fill a medium- 
size ski arca. 
Consider: You stmt at the top of 


Ruthies and Aspen. number ТА lifts on 
а wide white back that rolls to the left, 
iving a marvelous look at Sopris Ре 


Coming oll the steepening pitch, you 
swerve right into Little Corkscrew, en- 
tering the upper remnant of the old 


star to 


sing. You plug into Ruthics proper at 
Zaug Park, sail well over the counter- 
slope and back again to the small steep 
wall that drops into the basin. There you 
let it all hang ош. screrming past the 
skiers who wait in line at the bottom of 
Ruthies lift amd into the rapidly steepening 
ig Pitch (which, like most of Ruthies, 
and а rugged side). Spring 
to anoth the soft way 
1 Swawpile or the hairy way through 
the chute that formed the bottom of the 
old Corkscrew of the Roch, а section re- 
nowned for causing ski releases in the 
days before release bindings, usually by 
the breaking off of the ski in font of the 
bindings. Take this or another of the steep 
exits out of Ruthies and you come waili 
out of the trees to see the whole of Aspe 
move into position in front of you. to 
witness and appli final roll into 
town. Encore! 


Br 


ul your 


HONORABLE MENT 


Two very dilerem 
challenge Ruthics daim as the 
hill run. Antelope : 
is almost the last fuller 
the old-fashioned New MET 
true swinging sensuality of an Stun trail. 
They don't make "em like they used to. 
из not steep. but there are no intersec- 
tions to worry about: you just ler it go 
the blind corners—a 
d restorer for two 
d nearly 2000 feet of pure 
drop. Then, for seconds. there's Rüberehl, 
am extraordinary seven-miler through the 
backwoods of Taos, New Mexico. that 
goes from spruce thicket to wide-open 
Western glides. Exquisite. as close to 
saluri as you're likely to c н this life. 


с 


THE BEST POWDER 


There is a certain kind of skier for 
whom a great mount ot enough. 
At best, the mountain is only a begir 
a place for snow wo collect. This skier 
lusts for fresh, unsullied powder snow. 
He does not lightly suller his skis to be 
slid over solid snow hut seeks only the 
stucease of powder sizzling underfoot. 

Known as а powder pig, this species is 
pily named. Powder pigs would be pei- 
fectly happy rooting around all alone in 
100 square miles of the stull. As lon: 
nobody beats him 10 first track. this kind 
of skier will gladly forgo human company. 

and drink. Unfortunately. the species 
has grown to such numbers. you have to 
up most of that to 
at first track. Where do you go to best sat 
fy such 
Obviously. the pluperfect powdery 
terrain must have snow, lots of it: about 
100 inches per annum is the maxi 
offered by this or any other contin 
The snow should stay diy for a sui 
length of time, so that none of it goes 
heavy before being scored with an ap 
propriate symphony of tracks. The whole 
of the Sierras, bei 


us 


to the wet 


ng so close 


Pacific, understandably does not off 
good powder skiing. Either the snow is 
heavy when it falls Sierra cement—or it 
gets heavy quickly thereafter. New snow 
is not necessarily powder. 

Even at the best powder locales, you 
don't get powder every day or even every 
week. Hy iO percent powder 
skiing. you very nicely 

The terrain ought to be big and it 
ought 10 be scenic. A hea 
der in the serub forests of New Jersey. 
250 feet above sea level. just isn't the 
same trip as a free fall through the white 


y laver of pow- 


gold above tree line on the continental 
divide. 
There ате so many powder pigs on 


the loose today it 
à such as Jackson Hol 
Aspen or Sun 
cut up completely in ^ 
spend the second day after a ste 
ing around in the trees, 
some unturned flakes. (7I slipped the bus 
boy an extra S90 at dinner last night. 1 
figure he knows the mountain pretty well. 


ї суеп vast mou 
Wyomin; 
Valley ger 


Snowmis: 


He said thor if 1 turned left at the 

lightning-struck pine, I'd hit powder") 
owder p'gging comes in two cotego- 

ries. the kind you need a helicopter lor 


d you do from a 
ift. The former is more satisfactory 
(fewer people. bigger terrain) and much, 
much more expensive. 

The bes of all, Irom helicopte 
‘Gmoserland, тогу comprised of the 
Monoshecs. Bugaboos and Сакоо» in 
the Selkirk Range of British Columbia 
‘This several hundred square miles of ter- 
in is skied from whirlybirds under the 
is of Hans Gmosers Canadian. Moun- 
an ys out of Вашї, Alberta. А 
circle drawn through the locations of th 
three Canadian Mountain. Holidays heli- 
pads circumseribes the world’s largest an 
professionally operated powde 
ig locale. 

The maine de, Hans Gmoser, has а 
troop of trained guides and three big 
helicopters under contract all. winter 
long. Granted. the helicopter is a 
beast, the antithesis of tlie quiet necessary 
for the proper worship of pure. powder 
Nevertheless. once the snapping, wack- 
ling bird has flown, you are left alone on 
the top of se leys, bowls. dales, 
far eye сап see. Only 
diul of and all that un- 


nd the 


most 


Pi 


ridges 


skiers, 


a 
tracked. powder. 


v down through it. 
ike some 
bind а special secret of 
t. sailing in this billowing, yielding 
Wi ash of white will almost make you for- 


you 5100 а day, 


The number-one site fe 
ing from 
ast resort designed specifica 
lvantage of powder, its 
its challenge. Set in the high end of Liule 


Cottonwood Саву ide Sah Lake 


powder pig- 


lift has to be Snow! 


“Humbughumbughumbughumbughumbughumbug!” 


PLAYBOY 


110 


City, Snowbird and its environs get more 
powder (at least 50 percent more than 
Colorado, on the average) than any 
powder- in the world, period. 
This alone would justify the existence 


chief honcho, has added a superlative 
tram lift and a set of very comfortable 
high-rise condominiums and hotels that 
blend very nicely with the tall surround- 
ings. The scenics are only a little less 
spectacular than at Gmoscrland; the ride 
up is quieter and less hairy. Bass (Presi- 
dent Ford's skiing та who rented him 
his house Vail. remember?) was so 
nated by the powder scene that he 
forgot to do very much for the ordinary 
skier, the bread and butter of any ski 
resort. His attempt to correct his over- 
h some good old solid inter- 
e, packed-down terrain has been 
stymied by the ecologists at the moment. 
To tide him over, he is negotiating for 
support from another skier, the shah of 
Iran; it is understood, of course, that the 
deal does not give the shah the right to 
first track. 

Snowbird is big. After the powder on 
the slopes of Peruvian Gulch and Gad 
Valley is skied oll, the steep terrain off 
Cad Two chair will still have plenty of 
fresh stuff in among the great Wasatch 
evergreens. Tooling down through a steep 
cleft in the pines off Gad Two, exceed- 
ingly rapturous screamlike sounds are 
allowed. 


HONORABLE MENTION 


‘The runner-up for this category is 
Snowbird's staid older sister, a mile down 
the road in Little Cottonwood: Alto. The 
lodges there are simple, the powder as 
deep and the runs, although shorter, do 
have their own special charm. If you're 
still hungry for powder, consider a run 
down the famous Sun Valley bowls in 
Idaho stretching down from the ridge of 
Baldy, each of which contains a generous 
brimful of the white stuff after 2 good 
storm. 


THE MOST GLORIOUSLY FRIGHTENING RUN 


The expert skier finds no terrain diff 
cult, in and of itself, simply because it 
steep. What makes a terrain difficult is 
the trail cutting, which can add artificial 
difficulties; i.e, sadomasochistic master- 
pieces. guaranteed horror shows. A truly 
scary run has an aspect so chilling it 
reaches down past the rational defenses 
of the mind and into the pit of the 
stomach to distort even a superlative 
technique. 

Two factors contribute to this kind of 
wail. The first is "exposure"—the plain 
visible drop out there between your ski 
tips that goes way, way down (sometimes 
described as looking through a gun sight at. 
frozen hell). The second factor is malice— 
the obstacles created in trail cutting, Old- 
fashioned peril, in other words. 

The winner of the exposure category 


is that old fearsome favorite, Teckermon's 
Headwoll in New Hampshire. 

High on the side of Mount Washington 
is a huge scooped-out section known tech- 
nically as a cirque. This is Tuckerman's 
Ravine, a bowl that could easily hold a 
couple of hundred thousand amphithea- 
ter seats. Tuckerman's draws а walk-up 
crowd of 300 to 500 skiers a weekend dur- 
ing the spring when the snow has stabi- 
lized enough to keep avalanches at bay. 
(The sides of its wall arc so steep that the 
snow cascades off it all winter.) The Tuck- 
erman truckers are there to watch or par- 
ticipate in the test of skiing the Headwall. 
the highest and steepest section. Getting 
there is half the trial. You start out at the 
floor of the ravine and climb a half-mile 
of wall that gets progressively steeper. At 
the top, you can reach out and touch the 
wall without bending over as you kick 
hole after hole in the snow for your boots, 

naking sure that your toe is snugly in one 
hole before you start to kick out the next. 
Look how your heel hangs out over space. 
On second thought, don't. 

Now you are at the top. Turn around. 
The descent goes over a blind roll hitting 
80 degrees of steepness, before sloping 
hack (rather quickly) to 60. Consider that 
in a ski resort, anything over 22 degrees 
is classed expert, and then consider your- 
self making a tentative turn on the lip of 
the wall as it falls away beneath your skis, 
revealing а 10004001 vertical drop almost 
straight to the bottom, where the watchers 
are stationed like waiting ants. Ready? 
Don't worry. Sky divers reach a terminal 
velocity of only about 150 mph in free 
fall. You won't even come close. 

The second category, freaking out be- 
cause of the trail's malice: When a skier 
takes steepness for granted, there is only 
one parameter that bothers him or her, 
and that is narrowness, On a wide slope, 
the good skier can kill off his speed; he 
will jet across the hill briefly in a supple 
avalement sitback, gaining momentum 
and a chance to start the coming turn 
braking smoothly. On a trail too narrow 
for a jet turn, he has to bite the bullet 
and go. 

The winner in this category is the old 
d nasty Fell Line at Mad River, Vermont. 

Fall Line is not long—about half to 
three quarters of a mile (nobody has ever 
really measured it)—but, since you can 
lose it completely in a few feet, the length 
of the trail is not a criterion here. There 
are steeper trails and narrower ones, but 
Mad River has the dubious glory of boast- 
ing the only one with quite such a com- 
bination of come-on and crunch. 

Fall Line is extremely narrow, about 20 
feet, twisting all the way down, running 
uncompromisingly over embankments, 
through dips, with cunning switchback 
turns and then—oops!—no turn where 
you thought there was going to be one. 
You can't outguess it. Dixi Nohl, head 
of the ski school at Mad River, says, “You 
have to turn where the trail does; it skis 


you rather than you skiing it. In the 
turns, it not only cuts sharply but falls 
away as it does, plus giving you a couple 
of bumps and maybe a tree or two in the 
middle. You don't have a chance to stop 
К for even a fraction of a second.” 

The trail was cut back in the days when 
Roland Palmedo, the founder of Mad 
River, was trying to get away from the 
decadence that was setting in at Stowe, 
where trails were being widened to 25 
feet, and so on. “The Fall Line was cut 
to have a glade character," Roland once 
said, “with large trees that have to be 


circumvented by alternate routes.” (You 
hit the tree, dummy.) 

Next, you encounter what Palmedo 
alls "a fine exercise in hg a line 


and in precise turning." In other words. 
a very narrow section with evergreen 
branches brushing both elbows simulta- 
neously and a scurrilous succession of 
pitches and rolls around corners. Then 
you cut slantwise across a 30-degree slope 
of the Creamery. Finally, you see day- 
light out on Squirrel Trail. The prospect 
of returning to the real world gives you 
just enough strength to eke by a gauntlet 
of deverly placed trees—a last-minute 
test of your reflexes. 
You made it. 


THE BEST WAY TO DIE WITH YOUR SKIS ON 


If this is really your wish—and why 
not?—it's hang gliding two to one. 

‘This is a somewhat sinister spin-off of 
the sport, in that it has less to do 
skiing than with sublimating your megalo- 
man Nevertheless, it fills the criteria 
of an ideal mode of ski dying in that it 
guarantees you a fighting chance to sur- 
vive any given season, yet gives you a 
reasonably good chance to exercise your 
suicidal tendencies successfully in the 
course of, say, three or four scasons. 

With due respect to hang gliders, how- 
ever, the sport is based on the somewhat 
retarded conception that, given a wing 
of sufficient breadth and length, a skier 
can quite casily get up enough speed on 
the straightaway to cause the wing to lift 
him into the air. It's almost idiotic in 
its simplicity, in other words. And it's un. 
believable in its immediate result: Instead. 
of traveling sanely through the snow, 
where man belongs, the skier is lifted 
into a universe where he is barely fit to 
compete with the clumsiest turkey buz- 
zard or gooney bird. 


THE BEST HOT-DOGGING TERRAIN 


And now let us shift from the skiers 
who are actually trying to kill themselves 
to those who only look like they are trying 
to do themselves in. The exhibitionists. 
"The daredevils. The hang-loose hot dog- 
gers. Hot dogging has gone from a kind 
of wildeyed mogul-smashing sort of ski- 
ing to а quite structured three-event sport 
playing to capacity crowds across the 
country. Therefore, the best hot-dogging 

(continued on page 248) 


fiction BY ENAN HUNT 


WE'D STILL BE SHOOTING that damn movie 
if it hadn't been for Harry. And І want 
to tell you it was me who at the very be- 
ginning said Harry would be no good for 
the project, and don't forget it. That's 
because Harry is a dope. I am not talking 
about his acting ability. He probably was 
as talented in his own way as the rest of 


N FLICK 


just act natural, 
take off your clothes 
and well make you a star 


ILLUSTRATION BY BEES Wax 


us put together. 1 am only talking about 
his capacity to understand а very good 
deal that could have made everybody 
extremely happy, if only some dope 
wouldn't fall in love with a dizzy broad 
the way Harry did. 1 will never forgive 
Harry. 1 don’t know where he is right 
now, but someday I'm going to meet 

someplace, I'm going to spot him coming 
down the street with his skinny face and 


PLAYBOY 


his eyeglasses, and he'll probably have 
that dumb blonde on his arm, and I'm 
going to walk up to him and say, "Hello, 
dummy, you happy now? You happy you 
blew the whole thing? 

I don't want to hear anything about 
morality; there's no such thing as morality 
when you are making a pornographic 
movie. In fact, the only thing obscene 
was that Harry went off the deep end for 
that girl and ruined my idea. Yes, it was 
my idea from the beginning, though I've 
been hearing aroumd town that Ben says 
it was his idea. 1 don't like to hear that 
kind of talk. It breaks my heart to hear 
that kind of talk. I give credit where credit 
is дие, and Ben was the one who thought 
of the empty loft, but that was after I got 
the idea of doing the movie. Anyway, it 
was that dumb bastard Harry who blew 
it all, so what difference does it make 
whose idea it was in the first place, even 
if it was Ben's? Which it wasn't. 

And I admit that Solly was the one who 
found the girl; I'll even admit he did the 
preliminary talking: he's a very smooth 
talker, Solly, and a good dresser besides; 
ГЇЇ tell that to anyone who'll listen, 
you'll never hear me bad-mouthing a 
friend. But it was me who convinced the 
girl we could make her a star. Even Solly 
will admit it was me who finally sewed 
up the deal that day in the R & M Cafe- 
teria when she was sitting there at the 
table nibbling on a jelly doughnut and 
driving us all crazy just from the way 
she licked powdered sugar from her lips. 
She was no beauty, but she had some 
thing, all right; she had star quality. Solly 
recognized her star quality while she was 
giving him a massage in that place on 
Eighth Avenue. Sollys got a good eye, 
no one can take that away from him, 

It was raining the day she came into 
the КЕМ and she was wearing this 
soaking-wet black raincoat, and she apolo- 
gized for being late, but shed just come 
from. ice. She took off the coat and 
what she was wearing underneath was this 
black leotard with a short leather skirt 
wrapped around it and black boots, and 
right away I got an idea for a scene in the 
picture, but I didn’t tell her about it just 
then, because what we were there to do 
was sell her on becoming a porn queen. I 
did most of the talking; I'm the one who 
sold her. Ben was the one who explained 
the project to her, but I'm the one who 
Шу nailed down the deal. In fact, it 
a even Ben who told her what we 
planned to do. It was Solly. Yes, that's 
absolutely correct, what's right is right, 


being so good at this line of work, but 
she was really an unemployed actress and 
had just taken the job to make ends meet. 
Solly had immediately told her we'd been 
looking for somebody exactly like her to 
play a role in a lowbudget movie we 
were doing, and this had got her inter- 


112 ested and she'd agreed to talk it over 


with us the next day. And it was Solly 
who picked up the ball the minute she 
came to the table shaking rain out of her 
frizzy blonde hair and saying she was 
always starved after dance class, could she 
order something to cat, or would that be 
all right? She ate like a friggin’ horse, that 
girl. I hope Harry, wherever he is, is 
spending a fortune on food bills. Solly ex- 
plained that we were three movie buffs 
who'd managed to save a little money, not 
a lot, and who were now ready to take a 
chance on a lifelong dream, which was to 
produce a quality motion picture that, if 
everything went OK, would make us all 
millionaires, God willing. He went on 
to say that he himself had written a pretty 
good screenplay 

“Its a great screenplay,” Ben said. 
“Don't knock it 

And Ben would be cameraman on the 
picture and J would be directing. We had 
none of us had too much experience, but 
we were sure we could make a movie that 
was a lot better than some of the junk 
being shown around these days, though 
plenty of those pictures, too, were making 
tons of money. 

Like I told you in the massage par- 
lor," Solly said, "we've been searching for 
a girl about your age and build who 
also has that nice quality of looking in- 
nocent and sophisticated at the same time 
together." 

“Thanks,” the girl said. She had lis- 
tened to all this while first she demol- 
ished a big bowl of clam wder and 
then a plateful of pot roast, boiled pota- 
toes and string beans, with two buttered 
rolls. She thought it over now while she 
sipped at a glass of milk and nibbled at 
а sugarcovered jelly doughnut—Jesus, 
that doughnut. Then she said, “How 
big is the part and how much are you 
paying?” 

Now, that was when Ben came in, I 
remember it distinctly, I always give 
credit where cre is duc. И was Ben 
who put her on the defensive by telling 
her we naturally wanted somebody with 
acting experience, and preferably acting 
experience before a camera, because, after 
all, we were going to be shooting a movie 
here and not doing some crumby little 
play downtown in some grubby little 
theater. And 1 remember she got very of- 
fended when he asked her what her acting 
credits were, She told him she'd bcc 
doing plays even when she was a high 
school freshman, and since her gradua- 
tion four years ago. she'd done a lot of 
summer stock and could even show us 
some of the really very good reviews she'd 
got, if we cared to sce them. She'd never 
been before a camera except in home 
movies, but she was only 22 and she 
ured she had plenty of time yet. Of 
course, things weren't going exactly her 
way just then, which was why she'd taken 
the job in the massage parlor, but a girl 
with her talent was sure she'd make it 


sooner or later, so what was the hurry? 
And, besides, how big was the part and 
how much were we ready 10 pay her? 

Solly almost blew it right then and 
there; I think he was very premature in 
asking whether or not she had any objec- 
ns to doing nude scenes. For a minute, 
1 thought she was going to get up and 
walk right out, especially since by now 
she'd also finished the doughnut and the 
glass of milk. But she looked Solly 
straight in the eye and she said in this 
very tiny sort of breathless voice she had, 
“What do you mean? Do you mean I'll 
have to take off my dothes in front of a 
camera and everything?” And that was 
where I stepped in and saved the day. I 
figured there was no sense kidding this 
girl, she had to know sooner or later 
what the project was. If we lost her, we'd 
just have to look for someone else. 


The gi , "Could 1 
have another doughnut and glass of milk, 
please?” 

1 sent Ben up to the counter, and while 
he was gone, I patted her hand gently and 
told her I knew this must come as a ter- 
rific shock to her, but she shouldn't think 
for one minute that we were going to 
make a dirty movie, so-called. "The sex 
scencs would be explicit, yes, but Solly 
had written a beautiful screenplay with 
plenty of socially redeeming value, and 
the film we planned to mike would be 
something that no one would be ashamed 
1o take his wife or his sweetheart to. or 
maybe even both together—something, in 
fact, that might be ial 10 poor ш 
fortunates who had sexual hang-ups as 
well. I told her that the film would be 
shot on a dosed set, no exteriors, we 
would never even consider asking her to 
take off her clothes in public. There'd be 
only her on the set, and a few actors, and 
Ben cranking the camera, and Solly there 
to make any necessary script changes, and 
me, of course, directing. I told her 1 was 
a man of sensitivity who would most cer- 
tainly be aware of her innermost feelings 
and the feelings of any actor working 
with her, and, besides, I'd be the first 
to take offense at any line or gesture that 
secmed merely dirty or obscene without 
being also artistic and socially redeeming. 
was going to be a story of quiet 
beauty and delicacy, 1 told her, and she 
said, “Gee, I don't know, Гуе never 
fucked in front of a camera before 

Ben came back with the milk and the 
doughnut, and he began talking about 
the kind of salary she could expect. He 
explained that some very fine dramatic 
actresses like Linda Lovelace and Tina 
Russell and Marilyn Chambers had got 
their start in pornographic movies of taste 
and distinction but that their salaries were 
very low when they were just starting 
out—Gcorgina Spelvin, lor example, had 
got only $500 for the extraordinarily 

(continued on page 122) 


RETURN WITH US TO THE DAYS BEFORE TELEVISION, WHEN THE 
TONIGHT SHOW WAS WHAT YOU SAW THROUGH A KEYHOLE 


First tet us define our terms. A peep show is o small spectacle or abject viewed through an 
opening or a magnifying gloss. Peep means ta peer thraugh о crevice, to look cautiously or 
slyly, ta begin ta emerge fram concealment and to put forth or couse ta pratrude slightly. Yes, 
even that. Watch yourself. What is about to unfald is the absorbing cose of the Vayeur in the Foyer. 
A voyeur is someone who believes that in the kingdom of the blind, the ane-eyed man is to be found 
ct the nearest keyhole. The lady, above left, is a maid. A familiar noise from room 907 hos caught 
her attention. Ir's the couple from Schenectady, here for the cure. Settle back. This could be fun. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY FRANCOIS ROBERT / ROBERT KEELING 


113 


14 


It is said that when a топ and 

а матап make lave, they play 
for an unseen audience. The 
applause ripples across their 
bodies, calling for more. Da 

the couple from Schenectady 
realize the effect they are having 
on the Voyeur in the Foyer? 
Probably. It is the same effect 
they are having on themselves. 
The maid pays attention ta the 
doorknob. She recalls that her 
uncle, the one in real estate, once 
remarked that one way fo in- 
crease the yalue of a hause is to 
install larger knobs an all the 
daors. She at last appreciates 
the fact that her uncle was 


wise in many ways. 


Every story has o 
beginning, o middle and 
оп ending. Obviously 
avr heroine is in the 
middle She is o maid 
mode welcome The mon 
has always wondered 
what it would be like 10 
make love to two women 
in the same night He 
suspects that somehow it 
would be different from 
moking love ta the same 
woman twice in о night 
He is right. Vive la 
difference The waman 
hos olways wondered 
what it lacks like to be 
mode love to by the man 
She sees thot it looks very 
good The trio decides 10 
ploy а parlor game. Our 
heroine tells the man 
© secret. He posses it 
along to his lady. She 
responds correctly 


118 


Retiring to another room for o 
well-deserved break, the mon 
turns fo wolch the girls. Some- 
thing about them reminds him of 
© Picasso drowing: a girl study- 
ing herself in a mirror. The 
symbol for femole is o hand-held 
looking gloss. The two women see 
themselves reflected in each 
other's bodies. Ah, sweet sym- 
metry! They hove more than one 
thing in common. “I love to be 
kissed on the neck,” soys our 
wide-eyed moid. "1 know just 
whot you meon," says the lady 
from Schenectady. Our heroine 
stretches, offering herself 

to the moment, She is in 
complete agreement. 


120 


Alas. The story of the Voyeur in 
the Foyer has almost come full 
circle. The moral is clear: 

Beauty may be in the eye af the 
behalder, but erotic justice 
demands an eye for an eye. Or 
whotever's available. The man 
from Schenectady discovers a new 
perspective on lavemoking. Per 
hops he will rerun the entire 
sequence, just ta study the 
placement of hands ar the 
arching of backs. Perhaps he will 
ask his lady ta leave the roam. 
He natices that the maid has her 
eyes clased. What does she see? 


b 


PLAYBO 


122 


SKIN LIC continued rom pe 112) 


sensitive work she did in The Devil in 
Miss Jones—but, of course, now that she 
маз а star, now that they all were st 
they could call their own tunes and were 
even being sought after for work outside 
in flicks. Considering the circumstances, 
1 re at we were interested pr 
marily in turning out a quality film, 
which would mean making sure that every 
ich of footage good taste and 
arefully shot, the most we could offer her 
was double what these other actresses had 
got. In short, we could offer what was a 
very high salary for a beginning actres: 
a starring role in her very first big movie. 
and that was 51000 from the start of 
principal photography to the day of 
completion. 

e, I don't know,” she said. 
We'll pay you an advance of one hı 
dred dollars on sig Ben said. 

"How long will it take to make this 
movie?” she asked. 

"Twenty weeks,” I said. 

“Twenty weeks is a long time for only 
a thousand dollars,” she said. "I make 
more than that in the massage parlor.” 

“You can't become a star іп a massage 

arlor,” Solly said. 

That's true,” she said, “but— 

“I can understand what she means,” 1 
said. “We're offering her a thousand dol- 
lars for twenty weeks’ work. Th 
comes io fifty dollars a week.” 

"That's right,” she said. 

“And suppose we run over?" I said. 

“We won't run over," Ben said. 

“How do you know we won tz" 

"What do you mean, ‘run охе 
girl asked. “What's run over?” 

“That means if it takes more time to 
shoot than we planned.” 

“More than twenty weeks?” she said. 
“This must be some long movie you've 
got in mind here. 

“We want to do a quality job,” 1 said. 

Well, I can tell you one thing,” she 
id. "If it runs over twenty weeks, I 
it fifty a week for as long as it takes. 
"That's if 1 decide to take the job, which 
I haven't decided I'l take it yet.” 


"owe 


ng to be in this picture with 
me?” she asked, 

"We haven't found a leading man yet," 
aid. 

“How much will you be paying him?” 
“АП we can alford is five hundred 
dollars.” 

“Mmm,” she said. "So th 
dred for both of us, right? 
at's right.” 

‘And you guys expect to make mi 
on this picture, right?" 
Yes 
“Then 1 want a percentage,” she said. 
ve percent of the profits.” 
said, “that’s out of the 


"s fifteen 


hu 


questio 


‘Ju 


a minute, Ben." I said. 


"Out of the question," he said. 
“And, also, I want script approval.” 
“No script approval," Solly 

‘OK, I'll forget about script approval, 
but E still want twenty-five percent." 

“Make it five,” I said. 

“Make it ten,” she said. 

“Boys?” I said. 

Solly and Ben looked at each other. 

“This is highway robbery,” Ben said. 
“There must be a thousand young ac 
tresses in this city——” 

"Ben," Solly said, "I want this girl for 
the part. She's perfect for the part.” 

“Do you know what ten percent of a 
million dollars is?” Ben asked. 

Yes it's one hundred thousand dol- 
lars,” Solly said, "and I'm willing to give 
her that if she turns out to be only half 
as good as I think she'll be 

1 think she'll be very good, too, Ben, 
1 said. 

I was hoping for a redhead," Ben said. 
"What do you 
“АП right, all right.” Ben said. "Give 

her the ten percent 

"Have we got a deal?" I asked her. 

“We've got a deal" she said, aod 
grinned. 

Powdered sugar 


clinging to her lips. 


We had budgeted ourselves very care- 
fully. because it simply wouldn't have 
paid to undertake the project if it was 
going to come to too much of a weekly 
vestment. for the three of us individu- 
ally. You have to remember that whereas 
this dream of ours had been taking shape 
over a long period of time, dui 
we'd had many meetings and d 
we nevertheless knew very little about the 
movie business and were a little bit afraid 
we wouldn't be able to make the thing 
work, Ben, for example, though he had 
naturally taken a Jot of photographs in 
his lifetime, both still jotion picture, 
made his real living as nt and 
rally had a lot to learn. Solly worked 
a short-order cook in a delicatessen 
downtown and had written his beautiful 
screenplay at night and on Sundays. And 
1 personally was a lingerie salesman for 


feel for directing; 1 have always been very 
good here are those who say 
Гат maybe too sensitive when it comes to 
1 relationships. 

What I'm trying to explain is that the 
project was a risky one for three amatcurs, 
and we all knew it would require a great 
deal of concentration and energy to bring 
it off and make our dream come true. 
And, also, it couldn't cost us too much, 
because then the economics of it would 
have been self-defeating, if you know what 
1 mean. We were paying the girl $50 а 
week, and we were planning to pay her 
leadi $25 a week, and also wc 
had rented a big empty loft for another 


$50 a week, which came to а bottom-line 
cost of positively $125 a week, which 
was maybe not expensive for what we 
had in mind but which was a consid- 

rable sum for us to be splitting three 
ways. If you figure it out, it came to al- 
most $42 а week for each of us. And 
the girl didn't work out, we would have 
lost our initial $100 advance, which was 
supposed to cover the first two weeks of 
shooting the scenes with her leading man. 


The leading man we found was Harry. 
Knowing what I now know, I wish we 
had never laid eyes on him. In fact. know. 


ing I now know. 1 wish Harry had 
got hit by a bus on the first day of shoot 
ing. Or even the second day. Or a falling 
safe from a high bı ‚ Ог а сца» 
trophe in the subway. Harry was а dope 
He wasn't even good-looking, but thar 
was OK. because we didn't want her 
leading man to be too good-looking, as 
that would run contrary to the intent of 
Solly's script when it got to the play- 
within-a-play sections, which were act 

the major sections of the m 
as working daytimes as an 
juster and he was relueta 


surance 
to accept our 


offer at first, because he was very con- 
scientious about his job and he didn't 
want to get to work tired in the morning 


1 should tell you at this point, though 1 
hold no hard feelings, that it was Ben 
who brought that depe Ha 
They had gone to high school tog 
and Ben remembered him from the locker 
v not too spec 
which was also in keeping 
with the tone and the intent of Solly's 
al sereenpla 
Anyway, we told Harry t 
ing schedule, as far as it concerned him, 
would be from eight Рм. to midnight. 
and then he could go home and get a 
good ht's rest before he went to his 
job at the insurance company. We told 
him that $25 a week was really just a 
token payment, but the work was not 
exactly disagreeable and, besides, we were 
willing to pay him five percent of the 
profits once the picture broke even and 
we were all on the way to becoming mil- 
lionaires. We did this because we felt 
certain he would begin talking to thc 
girl later on when they became acquainted 
and we didn't want any jealousy on the 
set about who was getting a percentage 
and who wasn’t. It was offering him the 
percentage that did the tick. Up to then, 
he was only mildly interested: we had 
shown him pictures of the girl—fully 
d. of course—which Ben had taken 


our shoot- 


nice innocent and sophisticated look 
her. 


about Harry wasn’t too sure he 
ke love to her in front of a 
nera. He said he had gone out with 
much prettier girls in his lifetime, which, 


(continued on page 291) 


ready to collapse with tor 
On the crew 
building, an 
orderly shoos his excursion troupe of 
exercising patients back to shelter past 
a charter bus disgorging a troupe of 
Hollywood film technicians. 

The two lines of shuffling теп pay 


scarce attention 10 h other, even 
when one of the | sa spindly 
latino in а Hawaiian shirt—sulfers some 


sort of convulsive seizure and slams face 
first lo the ground. ‘The orderly quickly 
kneels beside the victim, clawing for 
his tongue, while the other patients stand 
around in a friere of distracted inatten- 
tion. “Momma, momma, ayudame,” the 
manages to ay im a wet 
zy," one of the film tech 
ians clucks, then cuts his eyes away 
uneasily. 
A rush of wind blows a hole in the 
overcast. The squall begins. 
A few minutes later, wearing 
akless sneakers and somebody else's 
ized windbreaker, Jack Nicholson 


article By GROVER LEWIS 


when they were filming “one 
„Леш over the cuckoo’s nest” 
at a mental hospital, 
it took a true connoisseur 
to tell cast from cuckoos 


comes barreling down the Oregon 
sylum’s ground-floor corridor. His 
would be arresting anywhere 
а speeded-up version of the money- 
maker-shaking street strut he choreo 
graphed to nearsqueakless perfec 
in The Last Detail. Nicholson walks like 
Martin Balam sounds—solid, chunky, 
chock full of cod-liver oil. 

Strolling along the drablinol 


ined 


g writer through the archaic, all- 
toogrosly authentic mad wards where 
Milos Forman is g Fantasy Films’ 
$3,000,000 production of One Flew Over 
the Cuckoo's Nest. Douglas i 
kid—the one who plays Inspector Steve 
Keller in the TV series The Streets of 
San Francisco. Michael Douglas is also 
the coproducer of Cuckoo's Nest and 
right now, 
effort, he is being charming, courteous, 
even voluble when called upon. He has, 
in fact, just introduced into the conver- 
sation the pleasant fiction that he and 
the writer had met "years before . . . in 
San Francisco, wasn’t it?” Michael 
Douglas i a (continued on page 126) 


YBOYS 
CHRISTMAS 
CARDS 


verse 
By JUDITH WAX 


missives and missiles for 
the jolly season 


ma Wi 
1 U1 
à ars: ream 
Ede An der J, аг 
> th x an 
eene on ED; Bot aman’ d 
| поносне W BE REVEAL Despite Zn the SPO eres YOY T 
p^ aN YOU, кок e ELD; pve beg geste 
D Бүр IT'S NOT LACKING YOUR SHIELD; Jo dan of Рат Fiat ts fore vt 
| wE HOPE IUS TO PUT к THE ACT- Th And X nothing e жеке um 
\ u OW \ 
! -NEW IN ERE CAUGHT І | Pin ow and e pro- 
ONES Ж end 
4 оо, 
You 
a 


The Gulf between your words and deeds 
1s giving you а swell name; 
Your Standard waving in distress 
1s maybe just а Shell game? 
You claim that it is not your fault 
баз prices are inflated 
And do not blush while growing flush 
But feel Exxonerated. 


e Month, 
ence! 
ly stare 


Salud, Playperson of th. 


Youre macho's very essi 


That virile hair, that manl: 
(That chastely detumescence)- 


PLAYBOY 


126 


Bull Goose loony (continued from page 123) 


smooth-rising young biscuit in all respects 
except that he wears hideously disfigured 
cowboy boots the writer figures he must 
have copped from some dying wino in 
Stockton. 

The writer is trying his mi, 
stay attentive, but his mind is blipping 
into err; wigwags and test patterns. 
He has a root-canal case of the fantods. 
His sphincter is fluttering, he is breaking 
out in a sour sweat and he is wishing to 
» amyl or something harder 


hell he had 
to bite on. 
What's queering the writer’ 


internal 


which in itself registers about a 6.5 on 
the Richter scale. N-0-0-0, the germ of 
the trouble lies in this rotten, overwhelm- 
ingly oppressive and repulsive place. At 
long last, lunacy—the funny farm, the 
loony bin, Rubber Room Inn. For years, 
assorted editors and ex-wives have been 
predicting the writer will wind up in 
just such a cuckoo's nest and—well, he's 
been here now for half an hour and he's 
wondering queasily if he will be allowed 
to leave when it’s time to go. He is also 
wondering about his notebook. Has he 
mislaid it somewhere? That notebook is 
100 goddamned important to lose—it's an 
Efficiency Reporter's Note Book No. 176, 
and scribbled among its 200 leaves and 
400 pages are the liver and lights for 
two unwritten stories, plus an itemized 
list of business expenses totaling over 
$1300—God have mercy, where is that 
slippery fucker? 

The notebook, of course, is securely 
glued to the viscous resin bubbling out 
of the writer's swampy palm. When he 
discovers this, the writer executes a 
jerky. agit ted little flamenco of relief 
and gratitude. 

Passing abreast of Douglas and his 
visiting charge by now, Nicholson in- 
stanuy registers the dysfunction. "Ihe 
actor flashes Douglas a high-aloric high 
sign in grecting, then swivels his gaze to 
in on the writer's sagging knee 
action. Unsmiling but not unsympathetic, 
he notices the mau’s small, panicky dance 
of distress and release, the jittering after- 
shock of wrenching visceral trauma. He 
files it all away for future reference. 
Nicholson notices things like that and no 
doubt uses them to flesh out his riveting 
film performances. 

Without irony, the regards 
Nicholson as a national treasure. TI 
literalist view of the actor will get in the 
way of the substantive story waiting to 
be perceived here, but not for long. 
Meanwhile, Nicholson whips past in 
squeakless sneakers, vanishing soundless- 
ly down the institutional corridor. 


zero 


writer 


With the writer in tow, Douglas ad- 
vances a kilometer or so into the bowels 


of the fortresslike asylum, pulling up 
short at a point in the corridor where 
the color of the walls abruptly changes 
from scabrous green to shit brindle. In 
his voluble register, Douglas is explain- 
ing—no, proving—that this is no gypo 
movie of the week they're engaged in 
here; nosirreebob, this is the quality 
goods, an AAA feature of the caliber 
that’s rarely indulged in anymore for all 
your ersatz disaster operas and Godfather 
begats. Stam -mesh en- 
vard four. the film's principal 
set. Douglas ticks off Cuckoo's champion- 
ship qualities on his pale, pencil-thin 
fingers: 

“Our daily nut is $35,000, sec, so with 
that kind of dough at stake. we're not 
chintzing around about anything. When 
ul and I decided to do the picture"— 
Saul Zaentz is the Main Man at Fantasy 
Records/Films in Berkeley and Cuckoo's 
other producer—"we agreed first off that 
we'd only settle for the best. I mean, 
screw it, across the board, whatever the 
field of talent, whatever the cost. And we 
got it all, man—everybody and everything 
we wanted—bam, bam, bam! Nichol- 
son was our first and only choice for 
McMurphy. Nicholson is the "bull goose 
loony’—watch his stuff this afternoon and 
you'll understand what 1 mean.” 

Nicholson as McMurphy—a dead-solid 
ringer. Back in the Sixties, before the 
bliss ninnies began slouching toward 
Hese and Tolkien. McMurphy was a 
kind of fictive national treasure in his 
own write. Everybody—everybody who 
could read, anyway—copped a hint of 
style and character from the hell-raising 
drifter who feigned insanity to escape a 
penal farm, who locked horns in the 
mental slammer with the tyrannical Big 
Nurse, who both won and lost the battle 
and in between gave life-to-life resuscita- 
tion to the Chronics and Acutes on his 
ward. 

"And Milos" Douglas goes on, "he's 
just goddamn marvelous—one of the 
finest directors in the world. It's a wild 
thing to watch happen. We've got a 
great cast, down to the tiniest walk- 
and probably the best crew in the busi 
nes. Jack Nitzshe is composing the 
score | . . Bill Butler's our cinematog- 
rapher—he just did Jaws. And, lessee— 
oh, yeah, the sound man, Larry Jost? 
He's up for an Oscar for Chinatown— 
just like Jack. But, come on, let's go take 
a run around the set. Brace yourself, 
though. І warn you, man, it's terrible— 
it's ghastly.” 

Yes, exactly. Ward four would gag a 
maggot. It is a cagelike enclosure fur- 
nished in the brutal paraphernalia of 
shrink-tank pathology run absolutely 
amuck: cramped rows of hospital cots 
with rumpled gray sheets and matted 
blankets . . . obscenely stained bed tables 
liuered with puke pans and hot-water bot- 


Чез... a scattered fleet of decrepit, cane- 
backed wheelchairs . . . framed calendar 
portraits of dogs and wild geese hung 
uniformly awry . . . and perched above 
all this mess, on a h, centrally located 
shelf, a smeary-windowed TV set bearing 
the brand name of its manufacturer, one 
“Madman” Munu. 

An immaculate, glassed-in nurses sta- 
tion controlling egress to the ward cage 
rounds out the picture. Big Nurses 
Orders of the Day are posted there on 
slot cards in a wallboard. The slot cards 
read: 


THE YEAR 15 1903 
TO DAVIS WEDNESDAY 
THE DATE IS DECEMBER 11 
THENEXTHOLIDAY 
CHRISTMAS 
THE NEXT MEAL IS BREAKFAST. 
THE WEATHERIS CLOUDY 


Ye gods, The Compleat Toilet—“Ol 
Mother Ratched's Therapeutic Nursery,” 
in Keseys phrase. Which prompts the 
writer to clutch his sweatslick notebook 
all the tighter and wonder aloud about 
Kescy's connection with the film. 

Douglas takes on the expression of a 
man whos just been put on hold during 
а transoceanic call. He motions vaguely 
toward the ward's rain-blurred windows. 
"I can't say for sure,” he mutters, “but 
I've heard he's out there in the hills 
somewhere muttering rip-off. We hired 
him—paid him over $10,000—10 write a 
firstdraft screenplay. We found out 
pretty quick that he couldn't write screen- 
plays to suit our standards, and he 
couldn't get along with the people in- 
volved, and he couldnt or wouldn't 
show up for production meetings. From 
what I hear, he's been spreading the 
word that the movie version distorts his 
book. Well, fuck it—I just have to dis- 
agree, that's all. We've taken some lib- 
erties with the basic material, sure, but 
all of us expect the picture will come 
very close to the spirit, the wallop of the 
book. Milos thinks it will, and Nicholson 
thinks so, too, and so, in fact, do 1" 

Douglas dismisses the subject with a 
short shrug and points along the corridor, 
grinning, "See that place where the color 
of the walls changes? "That's Milos lor 
you—a stickler to the teeth. He made 
it the whole ward—dirty beige, 
I guess you'd call it. I asked him, "Why, 
Milos? And he said, ‘I’ 
cahn't chute an entire comedy against 
green, dot's v 


members of the tech 
started. work around the 
hanur and sawing 
and wheeling around bulky film equip 
ment on dollies. Wandering among the 
electricians and gaffers and grips are a 
dozen or so other men—odd-looking 
spooks dressed in ratty old hospital robes 
and felt slippers. These, presumably, are 
some of the actors who portray Kescy's 
(continued on page 281) 


O (Corine Cléry) is taken to the Château Roissy by her lover, René, 
and left there with instructions to do exactly as she is told. She is met by 
two women, bathed and made up even to the point of putting rouge 

on her nether lips. They then fit her with a leather collar with metal rings. 


the erotic classic by 


the mysterious pauline réage 


becomes a startling film 


On the way to the chateau, René 
(top) makes O take off her under- 
clothes, Once she arrives, any 

man who lives there may have hey 


= 


128 


istoire ФО has 
become a classic of erotic 1 
erature, alongside My Secret 
Life and the works of De 
Sade. During the winter of 
1954, O had already become 
the topic of conversation in 
French cafés and salons. To 
further confuse matters, no 
one knew who its author, 
Pauline Réage, was. In carly 
1955, the book received 
the Prix des Deux Маро. 
an honor that had been 
bestowed on such under- 
ground notables as Ra 
mond Queneau and Antoine 
Blondin. The police 

tempted to suppress the 
but as suddenly as 
the investigation began, it 
was shut down amid rumors 
a high governmental 
had read the work 
ordered it left in 
circulati Grove Press 
published the English trans- 
lation in 1965. Now director 
Just Jaeckin has turned it 
i a remarkable film, 
starring Corine Cléry and 
Udo Kier (as her lover, 
René). The story is of a 
young woman whose lover 
donates her, body and soul, 
to a château where women 
are kept enslaved for the 
pleasure of a group of mei 
"They are tortured, shack 


led and used for pleasure. 


"Thus trained for their sub- 
missive role, they are r 

turned to the outside world, 
where they are expected to 
behave in а manner befi 
ting the customs of the 
castle. If they slip up, they 
return for more training. It 
is a nightmare and a da 

dream combined, without 
moral or message, an e 

ploration of that dim ar 

between pain and pleasure. 
Incidentally, Mlle. Réage's 
identity is still unknown. 


You will never close your 
lips,” O is told when she ar- 
ries, “or cross your legs. Your 
mouth, your belly and your 
backside ave open to us. You 
must never look any of us in 
the face. You will be flogged 
in the evening as punish- 
ment for breaking the rules.” 


At Roissy, submissiveness to the 
men is the only шау to survrve 

and O eventually learns to louc her 
punishment. Talk is forbidden and 
dress is designed so that the female 
body is totally accessible. When 
someone discovers that O, taken 
from behind, is too narrow, ebonite 
shafts are used to enlarge her. 


The women all wear collars of 
leather with rings fastened to 
them. In her cell at night, O 
is attached to a chain above 
the bed. Кате are the ni; 
that someone does not appear 
and make use of both of he 
1 disappear 
ng himself, 


When О finally leaves the château, she 
is not allowed to wear any under- 
garments. René takes her to а bar and 
introduces her to Sit Stephen, a 
quietly sedistic Englishman. René 
then gives О to Sir Stephen, as a gift 


S PIERRE /SYGMA 


Sir Stephen orders O to have a 
hole pierced in one of her 
labia and a double gold ring 
is inserted. She is led naked 
on a chain attached to the 
ring between her legs. 


After a number of months of Sir 
Stephen's brutal ownership of her, О 
becomes totally dependent on him. He 
has her make love to other women, who 
teach her techniques of masturbation 
for Sir Stephen's pleasure. In the 

end, she ts returned ta the chateau, 
where Sir Stephen abandons her. 


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we've spent billions 
to break foreign codes. 
it's great fun, 
but is it worth it? 


ON JUNE 20, 1974, a slow, unwieldy vessel 
filigreed with struts and derricks lumbered 
out to sea on a top-secret mission. She was 
the Glomar Explorer. Her secret task was 
to raise from the depths of the Pacific 
Ocean a Russian submarine that had 
sunk. The U.S. Government wanted to 
obtain the submarine's missile warheads 
and her codes. For this, it was willing to 
spend $350,000,000 of the taxpayers’ 
mohey—an amount equivalent to giving 
3,000,000 more people Medicare cover- 
age, sending 20,000 students to college or 


buying 90 tanks, 60 bombers or a third of 
a nuclear-powered aircraft carrier. 

Why did Washington think it was 
worth it? 

In the spring of 1942, American code 
breakers, hidden in the basement of a 
building in the navy yard at Pearl Har- 
bor, broke the main Japanese naval code. 
‘Their solutions of Japanese intercepts 
provided virtually complete information 
оп the size, course and timetable of the 
Japanese fleet, As a result, wrote a top- 
ranking officer. “We were able to con- 


centrate our limited forces to meet their 
naval advance on Midway, when other- 
wise we almost certainly would have been 
some 3000 miles out of place." At Mid- 
way, the United States smashed the in- 
vading armada in a battle that doomed 
Japan. 

A year later, those same cryptanalysts 
cracked open a moderately long message 
in a subsequent edition of that same Jap- 
anese naval code. It disclosed that the 
mainspring of Japan's military efforts, Ad 
miral Isoroku Yamamoto, would soon 


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PLAYBOY 


136 


make an inspection trip that would bring 
him within range of American combat air- 
planes. Moreover, the message, addressed 
to subordinate commands, specified that 
Yamamoto would land at 0800 on Api 
18, 1943, on Ballale, one of the Solomon 
Islands. With this information, the Amer- 
icans dispatched 18 twir-engined P-38s, 
which ambushed the punctual admiral in 
his bomber over a tropical jungle, shot 
it down and gave the U. S. the equivalent 
of a major victory. 

On the other side of the world, British 
code breakers, working in Quonset huts 
in the London exurb of Bletchley, inter- 
cepted messages of the German army 
high command during the precarious 
carly hours of the Anzio landing. These re- 
vealed, just as the American forces were 
about to extend themselves from the 
beachhead, that fresh German units had 
been ordered into the area. General Mark 
Clark pulled back and consolidated his 
forces, repulsed the German counter- 
attack and later advanced into Rome. 

On D day, as the Allies stormed the 
Normandy beaches to breach fortress 
Europe, the code breakers intercepted a 
German message ordering a counter- 
attack. Forewarned, General Omar Brad- 
ley took measures that helped keep the 
Americans from being flung back into the 
sea. Later, at Bastogne, code breakers 
cracked a radiogram that enabled General 
George 5. Patton, Jr. to inflict heavy 
losses on а redoubtable German paratroop 
division. 

World War Two had scen dozens, per- 
haps hundreds, of similar instances in 
which code breaking had played a vital 
role. A former director of naval intelli- 
gence exclaimed, “Ic won the war!" 
Chief of Staff George C. Marshall de- 
clared that code breaking was "our main 
basis of information regarding Hitler's 
intentions in Europe" and contributed 
“greatly to the victory and tremendously 
to the saving in American lives.” A high 
official said that it shortened the war by a 
year. After all over, a Congressman 
paid high tribute from the floor of the 
House: "I believe that our cryptogra- 
phers . . . did as much to bring that war 
to a successful and early condusion as 
у other group of men.” 

During World War Two, code break- 
ing had become the most important 
means ol obtaining secret information. No 
other source possessed to the same degree 
the elements of successful intelligence: 
volume, anticipation and veracity. Reports 
based on visual observations of the enemy 
by patrols and on interrogations of prison- 
ers of war were voluminous and accurate 
but good only for the immediate futur 
Spies. on the other hand, could rev 
enemy plans far in advance, but suspicion 
permanently blighted their labors: No 
general would risk his men—or 
reer—on the radioed word of an inform- 
ant whom the enemy might have paid 
more or put under duress. Aerial photo- 


graphs yielded data as hard as could be, 
but they were relatively sparse, owing to 
their snapshot nature, and showed only 
what was already there or on the march. 
Code breaking alone could provide the 
quantity and quality of intelligence neces- 
sary to sound military planning. 

As the hot war congealed into the 
cold, the U. S. Government wished to pa 
serve the information-gathering capabi 
ties that had proved so effective against the 
Axis. The trauma of Pearl Harbor, which 
had led to the centralization of military 
affairs in the Defense Department and of 
intelligence in the Central Intelligence 
Agency, eventually fathered as well а ш 
fed code-breaking agency—the Armed 
Forces Security Agency, established іп 
1949. The merits of the unified approach 
soon warranted expanding the role of the 
Defense Department's AFSA. On Novem- 
ber 4, 1952, President Harry S. Truman 
tured it into the National Security Agen- 
cy, serving every branch of Government. 

NSA reigns today as the supreme ar- 
biter of all matters cryptologic in the 
United States. It promulgates cryptologic 
doctrine, establishing the rules by which, 
say, the State Department will encipher 
its dispatches. It coordinates the code- 
breaking agencies of the Army, the Navy 
and the Air Force in their specialized 
missions against their foreign counter- 
paris. It issues specificatioi 
turers for components of 
which it, for security's sake, then assembles 
on its own. premises. It analyzes foreign 
radar emissions, so that U.S. nuclear 
bombers will be able to jam or trick 
them in war. But, most of all, it cracks 
the codes of foreign governments and 
daily submits the solutions to U.S. offi- 
cials as high as the President. This func- 
made it the biggest intelligence 
agency in the free world—bigger even 
than the CL A—Aand, within the О. S. Gov- 
ernment, the most secret. 

Counting the military personnel as- 
signed to it, about 100,000 people work 
for NSA—about five times as many as 
for the CIA. It spends several billion dol- 
s a year. In sharp contrast to the head 
of the CIA, the NSA director, normally 
a threestar general or admiral, never 
makes statements to the press and rarely 
appears before Congressional committees 
in public hearings. 

Security is as tight if not tighter at 
NSA than anywhere else in the Govern- 
ment. Its headquarters—two boxy modem 
ngs at Fort Meade, Maryland, just 
visible from the timore-Washington 
Parkway—is surrounded by three fences, 
two topped with barbed wire and one 
electrified. It is protected by U 
rines. Inside, Marines escort visitors every- 
where, including to the men's rooms. NSA 
employees must meet some of the Gov- 
emments strictest security standards. 
They can be fired if the director merely 


bı 


finds it “to be in the interest of the U. $.” 

All this secrecy enshrouds work some- 
times far from Fort Meade. Much of it 
begins in lonely monitoring posts scat- 
tered about the globe, especially along the 
borders of the Soviet Union. There, in 
Quonset huts on the wind-swept Eritrean 
plateau in Ethiopia or in the dusty foot- 
hills of the Hindu Kush in Afgh: 
far from prying eyes and the electrical in- 
terference of cities, radiomen lean for- 
ward, straining to pick up every dot and 
dash or every syllable of a foreign radio 
transmission through the static that crack- 
les in their earphones. Their antenna 
fields sometimes cobweb whole mountain- 
sides. Other monitors fly in airplanes 
or sail in ships as close as they dare to 
foreign coasts or frontiers to pick up every 
possible scrap of text. Sometimes their 
sedentary work becomes dangerous. In 
1960, the Russians shot down Francis 
Gary Powe , which was carrying not 
only cameras but also "black boxes" 
whose magnetic tape recorded Soviet radar 
nes strafed the U.SS. 
Liberty cruised the eastern Mediter- 
ranean during the Six-Day War, its elec- 
tronic ears wide open. And the U.SS. 
Pueblo became a cause célébre when the 
North Koreans captured it, packed with 
eavesdropping gear, early in 1968. 

Some of the interception is automated. 
Satellites moving slowly above the Soviet 
Union receive, processand retransmit Rus- 
sian radio signals. (М share of the cost 
of lofting these squat cy! 1 spies in 
the sky constitutes a major portion of its 
vast budget.) It was such a satellite with a 
sophisticated antenna system that report- 
edly eavesdropped on Kremlin leaders as 
they talked over the radiotelephones in 
their cars. 

In West Berlin, in a hidden U.S. in- 
tercept post, a $3,000,000 machine by 
Ampex, filling a space equivalent to two 
living rooms, can tape-record 2000 chan- 
nels of communication. simultaneously. 
‘The tapes are burned after they are used 
once, because erasing them for reuse would 
destroy their superhigh quality. Other ma- 
chines, which record everything sent on a 
given frequency, continue to print out 
periods on six-ply carbon paper when the 
circuit is "up" but nothing is being sent. 
‘They keep on tapping for hours, days, 
weeks, even months, at two minutes and 
15 cents a page, just waiting for some mes- 
sage to come across. 

In the United States, NSA is reported 
to e monitored most cable and telex 
messages into and out of the country. 
Computers messages lor trigger 
words, such as oil and Mideast, and have 
texts containing them printed ош. Such 
economic intelligence could help the 
Government make decisions on such mat- 
ters as oil imports and grain sales, vitally 
affecting the cost of living. But the ques- 
tionable legality of this activity is one 

(continued on page 224) 


£ 
X 
TS 
E 


“T ain't a fit night out for man nor beast.” 


article By EDWARD ABBEY tke first time around we took care of the easy 
stuff—indians, buffalo, halls fi Пей with gold — but this time we're getting serious 


RUMBLING ALONG in my 1962 Dodge D-100, the last good truck Dodge ever made. I tossed my empty 
out the window and popped the top from another can of Schlitz. Littering the public highways? Ol 
urse I litter the public highways. Every chance I get. After all. it's not the beer cans that are ugl 
it's the goddamned highway that is Beer cans are beautiful, and someday, when re 

comes a serious enterprise the ernment can put 1,000,000 kids to work ea 
the cans that I and others have ү кий stored along the roadways 
Indian country 


your left, the San Francisco Peak: 
dormant voleanoes and cinder cones, scattered over the tawny pony Опе of those cinder cones, 
Sunset Crater, erupted only 910 years ago. We pray to God, my friends (continued on page 194) 


ILLUSTRATION BY MARTIN HOFFMAN 


when december's 

— mancie li brandi was 
a blackjack dealer, 

e odds were always 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD FEGLEY 


Layboy А 
P covered Na i я а 
jack table at Lake 


Lady Luck never looked so good. He imme: 
asked her to pose for the centerfold, responding 
to her beauty the way a gambler reacts when a pair 
of aces, split and hit, both turn up blackjack. Maybe 
he needed an excuse to write off his Nevada vacation 


as a business trip? No matter. The Internal Reve 
Service's loss is our gain. It soon became a 

that Miss December has the soul of а gypsy. 
though she uses cards to determine people's fortunes 
in a somewhat different way. After spending a quiet 
childhood in the rolling hills of Pennsy 

teamed up with an old friend for a bit of cross-country 


"I'm basically a night 
person. There is something 
magical about staying up 
while the rest of the world 
sleeps. Working the late 
shift at Harvah’s, 1 would 
sce the gamblers and their 
ladies—looking at each 
other, smiling—and think 
these people are just like me. 
Different. Special. It’s nice.” 


rambling, "We're both free spirits,” she says: “we'd just decided to go our separate ways together for a whi 
First stop for the pair was a mountain resort near Williamstown, Massachusetts, where Nancie learned to 
mancuver on skis. “Actually, New England didn’t get much snow that year," she says. "I'm not sure you 
could call what I did skiing. It was closer to downhill ice skating.” Nancie and her guy decided to pull up 
poles and head West for whiter pastures. They landed at Lake Tahoe. Nancie took a two-week course in 
dealing at Harrah's. “At first 1 was all thumbs, but after a while, I could handle cards with the best of them.” 
(АП thumbs? We doubt it) Her man tended bar and taught skiing at the Sierra Ski Ranch. For a time 
their schedule seemed perfect—working nights and skiing days—but soon the gypsy spirit retur few 
months ago, they moved on to Los Angeles. There Nancie learned that one of her duties as Playmate 
would be a promotion trip to Japan. Per pursue a career in modeling. 


“I used to think that desirability was something a woman had 
to prove to the world. The sexual revolution was a series of brief 
skirmishes. After a while, though, I became more confident. Гое 
liberated my body and that's enough for me. The terri 


“According to the rules of blackjack, dealers have to 
stay on 17 and hit anything less, but the odds favor 
the house and the house wants to keep it that way. 
Yet even the house gets superstitious. If a player loses, 
the dealer is hot. If the player wins, the dealer is 
cold and will be replaced.” The house should know 
we'd pay for the privilege of sitting at Nancie's table. 


Lake Tahoe is a favorite watering 
hole for Hollywood celebrities. 
Sonny Bono, shown here enjoying a 
day of skiing at Heavenly Valley with 
our Miss December, is a frequent 
visitor at Harral's. For more details, 
check your gossip columns. 


“These pictures were a 
revelation. I still think of 
myself as the shy, skinny 
kid I used to be at 16. 1 
was amazed at how 
different I look now. 
Depending on how I feel, 
I can go from a simple 
freshness to a high- 
fashion foxiness. 1 accept 
my body and I take great 
delight in seeing what 
it can do.” 


PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES 


A woman went to a gynecologist for artificial 
semination. After she assumed the proper 
position atop the examining table, the medical 
man unzipped himself. 

Doctor" exclaimed the shocked patient, 
tever are you doi 

I'm sorry, madam,” was the reply, “but I'm 
out of the bottled stuff, so you'll have to settle 
for draft today." 


Our Unabashed Dictionary defines falsies as 
the enhancer to a maiden's pair. 


“4 


1 have good news and bad news,” announced 
the Pope to a hastily called meeting of cardinals 
at the Vatican. “First, the good news. The Lord 
has informed me directly of his Second Coming, 
and he sounded very happy." 

“Then what in heaven's name could the bad 
news possibly be, Your Holiness?” asked one of 
the assembled ecclesiastics. 

“He was calling from Salt Lake City,” replied 
the pontiff. 


The Masters and Johnson clinic may well be 
the only organization in the world from which 
a man resigns when he becomes a member in 
good standing. 


Our Unabashed Dictionary defines midget 
circumcision as a tiny trim. 


While the bill was debated, Miss Snyder 
Had a Senator thrusting inside her. . . . 
Toa knock on the door, 
She replied from the floor, 
"Gà avay—I'm attached to a rider!” 


Our Unabashed Dictionary defines mons pubis 
as a box top. 


The instructor of a Red Gross prenatal course 
for unwed mothers-to-be was getting to know 
her class during a break. “When is your baby 
due?” she asked one girl. 
‘About March tenth,” was the answer, 

“And yours?” she inquired, turning to an- 
other participant. 

“My doctor calculates March ninth,” said the 
young woman. 

“That's a coincidence,” remarked the in- 
structor. "And that girl who just stepped out 
for a minute. I don't suppose she could be 
expecting her baby about March tenth, too? 

"No," replied the first young woman. "She 
didn't go on the office picnic.” 


And then there was the nymphomaniac teen- 
ager who was popularly known as Little Often 
Annie. 


At a costume ball given by Texas society in 
our nation’s capital, one girl turned up wearing 
the map of Texas as her costume. Later that 
night, she was chatting on the terrace with a 
fellow she'd just met when, all of a sudden, 
she slapped him resoundingly and flounced off. 
“What in the world happened?” asked a friend 
of the victim. 

“It beats me," he answered. "All I know is 
that when she asked me where I was from and 
put my finger on Amarillo, she let me have it!" 


Our Unabashed Dictionary defines sexual hang- 
up as the termination of an obscene phone call. 


In the process of convincing the rather choosy 
young lady that she should accept his proposal 
of marriage, the young man found himself 
making a number of concessions regarding the 
specifics of their prospective life together. At 
last, he said, "All right, honey, let's agree on 
a compromise. You can wear the pants in the 
family—bur ГИ retain the right to work 
the zipper.” 


Dad,” said the adolescent boy, “I guess it won't 
be long before I have an affair. You see, last 
night my girlfriend and I held hands for the 
first time.” 

“L wouldn't concern myself about 
chuckled his father. "Holding hands, son, is a 
long way from having an affair." 

"Even if you're in the shower at the time?" 


Just before he left town on a business trip, the 
handsome executive surprised his girl with a vi- 
brator to keep her company while he was away. 
"Imagine I'm attached to it during the long, 
lonesome nights," he said with a smile. 

On his return, the fellow noticed the gadget 
in the girl's bedroom wastebasket. "You didn't 
like it?" he asked. 

"No," she grumbled. “The damn thing kept 
shaking the fillings out of my teeth!” 


Heard a funny one lately? Send it on а post- 
card, please, to Party Jokes Editor, PLAYBoY, 
Playboy Bldg., 919 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, 
Ill. 60611. $30 will be paid to the contributor 
whose card is selected. Jokes cannot be returned. 


"With frankincense and myrrh, it's ten dollars extra." 


mysterious аа of impersonal forces. But it ai 

ecessarily so. When it gets right down to what coaches call the nut 
cutting, it is still one man trying to beat another. When the two 
men are good enough, the rest of the game seems like so much 
scenery. Remember Sam Huff against Jimmy Brown? Or Wilt 
Chamberlain against Bill Russell? Roger Bannister and John Landy? 
When the best men at their game go one on one, you don't need Al 
DeRogatis or Howard Cosell to explain what is going on. There are 
still great match-ups around. Here are five of the best. And we'll let 
them tell you about it. 

Fred Dryer, the smallest and possibly the fastest defensive end in 
the National Football League, against Ralph Neely, as awesome a 
lineman as one would not want to run into. 

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, the giant superstar of the Los Angeles 
Lakers, and Dave Cowens, the hustlingest center in the league. 

Nolan Ryan, who may be the best fast baller since Walter 


Joh n Sand „ again 
the greatest hitters in the history of baseball. — 

And there isn't a better match-up this side of Madison Square 
Garden than hockey enforcers Keith Magnuson of the Chicago 
Black Hawks and Dave Schultz of the world-champion Philadelphia 
Flyers. And not too many better left hooks. 

Moving from the arena to the raceway, it has to be Richard 
Petty—King Richard—the greatest stock-car driver of them all, 
against David Pearson, the only man who has ever been able to race 
with him consistently. 

‘There's no tennis here. Connors and Newcombe were only too 
happy to talk, but you're probably more interested in how your own 
opponent gets ready for you. 


Dave Cowens 

‘There's no way you can stop the man completely. No one can. 
You know Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is around because of his height. 
And it doesn't take you long to know he can block shots, because 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY DWIGHT HOOKER 


156 


he's so tall. (774^) [officially 7/2"] and has this tremendous 
reach. But he still has to have a strong forward who's going 
to help him out on the boards, because the other pros like 
myself will screen out Kareem every time, not even thinking 
of getting the rebound themselves. 

You just have to make sure he's not standing around, 
geuing the balls that are flying around, because he's at a 
different altitude. 

One of the things that make Kareem such an outstanding, 
offensive player is his passing ability. People don't realize 
that, but he stands up there above everyone and just picks 
people out. He can spot forwards sagging in the lane, or the 
guards, whatever. And he can get the ball to them. 

They run many plays off him to make it easier to get the 
ball into him for a shot. He has the hook shot from both sides 
and now he has developed a turnaround jumper. Everybody 
was playing him to the middle, so he came up with the turn- 
around to the base line and he's good with it 

You have to stay with him and that wears you down, On 
offense, you have to play harder, too, because you have to 
try to get some of the points back that he's scoring on the 
other end. 

I have always tried to play him to the middle, always trying 
to ease him out so that he's going to take the hook from a 
litle farther out. That cuts down the percentages. If he's 
hitting from out there, there's a great possibility that you're 
going to get beaten. 

But you have to try to push him out and keep him away 
from the boards; fight him for position, make him work hard. 
He likes to come across the middle, so you have to know 
where the ball is and there are certain places you just can't 
let the ball go. 

I've never been much of a fan of basketball. I mean, I 
never read the sports pages and built up а lot of heroes, so а 
player like Abdul Jabbar doesn't intimidate me. His press 
clippings don't impress me. All I know is that he is good 
and I have to play my best against him. I know it sounds 
idealistic, but you have to keep that idealism in mind. You 
have to strive for it, at least, and you're not going to get it 
all the time, because you're human. You're going to take short 
cuts and rest and at times you're going to be resting when you 
shouldn't be, but you have to keep those to a minimum. 

"There are some teams and players you know you'll have to 
play 48 minutes of good basketball against and there are 
others you'll play, say, 40 minutes, but with Kareem you just 
know that you have to go full steam from the opening tap 
to the end. 

1 don’t like Josing and I don't like the feeling of losing, 
but morc than that, I don't like the way other people react 
to you when you lose. When Jabbar gets a streak and they're 
cheering like mad, I can't stand it and I play harder. 

You take a lot of crap and you say, "Hey, I know I can do 
all these things." Sometimes you can and sometimes you fall 
flat on your face. I mean, you try and still you don't have that. 
competitive edge, but against Kareem, I usually find it. He 
gives me the confidence and 1 say to myself, “Hey, ГШ see 
you over there. Try and stop me.” 


Kareem Abdul-Jabbar 

Its unbelievable; he's almost like a perpetual-motion ma- 
chine. No one can run up and down the court every minute, 
but Cowens comes close to it. This makes it tough on me, 
because I know I have to be around all the time—particularly 
when they set up the fast break. 

That's another thing: When I analyze another player, it's 
both the player and the setting he is in. And with Dave, you 
have the aspect of his playing with the Celtics, which is 
actually the perfect setting for him to be playing in. The 
Celtics are aggressive and so is Dave. 

Like all good rebounders, Dave is a fighter on the boards 
and his effectiveness is increased because of his good timing. 
He doesn't score very well against (continued on page 164) 


parody 
By ROBERT BILLINGS 
HENRY BIVVENS Was no 
dummy. Everybody said 
so. А man doesn’t own 
and run a successful 1000- 
acre farm, dead-drunk 
every day by noon, by be- 
ing stupid. He had seen 


JUGS 


soon to be a minor motion picture 


moving. At 

was just a dark 

But, as he got 

in spitting distance 

he could distinctly 
discern substance. 

The thing, the shape, 

seemed to sense a change 

in the earth's rhythm. It 


did not see Henty Bivvens, nor did it yet 
smell him. Running the length of its body 
was a series of small canals, filled with 
mucus and dotted with nerve endings, and 
these nerves detected vibrations and sig- 
naled its brain, its small, primitive brain. 

Тһе shape stopped. Approached. Its 
hands began to work, quickly, practiced, 
at toggles, belts, buttons. Suddenly, it 
tore open its raincoat, revealing primor- 
dial flesh. Henry Bivvens gasped and 
stared. He had been around the world 
three times, been to two dogfights and a 
whorehouse in Steubenville, and he had 
never seen anything like the enormous 
pair of white breasts that confronted him 
now. Awesome in their size and ghostly 
whiteness, like fate itself, they secmed to 
beckon to him, inviting him toward their 
deadly atavistic mysteries. Caught by the 
siren call, Henry obeyed. Then it had 
him! Seizing him by the ears, it held tight 
while his struggling face was pressed into 
those great white mounds. Presently, his 
struggles ceased. He was found several 
days later, in a rain-filled ditch, his nude 
body already a dismal gray, what re- 
mained of his bruised face still wearing 
that final smile. But the beast had left 
a due. Traces of C,HgO, were found 
on his lips. 


PLAYBOY 


Police Chief Charles Parker was in his 
mid40s. At 61% and 200 pounds, his 
once muscular body was beginning to 
show the ravages of age. He was staring 
dead on into the hazel eyes of Mayor 
James Coppard. of Coppard and Bowser 
Grain Wholesalers. In his mid-50s, trim, 
with distinguished saltand-pepper hai 
Mayor Coppard in his Hush Puppies loaf- 
ers exhibited the understated chic that 
had made him the social lion of Ardent, 
South Dakota. Parker was saying to him, 
“I'm closing this town down. At least 
until we find . . . stop .. . а..." His 
voice trailed off. 

Mayor Coppard flushed. (He was not 
reminded of Jane, Chief Parker's wife. 
She looked far younger than her age— 
ile, even, despite her nine childre 
She had grown up among Ardent's social- 
ly elite, with a player piano in the living 
room. She never shared her bedroom with 
more than two of her 11 horny brothers 
at once, and her brothers shucked all the 
corn, saving her hands for the delicate 
quilting work. Although Jane's elegant 
background had prepared her for the 
cosmopolitan life in Bismarck or 
Minot, she had by some error of love mar- 

ried the chief, a corn shucker, a plodder, 
а plowboy, a policeman. Jane longed for 
what she had lost and she knew by the 
creamy, dreamy tingling in her lace- 
uimmed Pillsburys XXXX undies that 
Mayor James Coppard still had a crush 
on her after all these years, He seemed to 
her deliciously handsome when flushed. 
It brought out his best points she 
thought secretly when alone in the con- 
158 fessional of the privy.) Flushed, but with- 


out a thought of Jane Parker, Mayor 
Coppard replied heatedly, “You're damn 
toot you won't. We've got this Future 
Farmers convention comin' come full 
moon and I ain't fuckin’ with the fuckin" 
Future Farmers. You know what that bu: 
ness means to this town, the pool hall, the 
gas station, Shorty’s Diner, the drugstore. 
Besides, I got partners.” Mayor Coppard's 
eyes narrowed ominously. (Jane had 
never seen him with ominously narrowed 
eyes.) 

“T won't be responsible,” sobbed Chief 
Parker. “All those young boys. The Fu- 
ture Farmers at the mercy of . . . that 
thing.” (Jane had contempt for his sobs, 
his red eyes, his corn shucker's hands—or 
would have had she been there.) “It's 
already taken three, four . . . how many 
more?” 


Dr. Mahatma Jeeves, intern at the Ar- 
dent Nursing Home, Morgue, Hospice, 
Gift Shop, Tourist Center and Post Of- 
fice, was the first to diagnose what we, 
through the infinite, beneficent wisdom 
of hindsight, would knowingly refer to as 
the Dunwich Horror, if the setting of our 
tale were in Dunwich, but which we for 
geographical accuracy will refer to as the 
Ardent Terror, set as it is among the roll- 
ing countryside of Ardent, South Dakota, 
neighbor to Belle Fourche, geographic 
center of the nation. 

Reedy Blackman, we now know, was 
the first victim. First-string center on the 
Ardent High School and ‘Trust Company 
basketball team, he had been in the hay 
with his pet lamb. He had gone not 100 
yards into the alfalfa when it struck. All 
his pimples had gone white. His own 
father puked when he saw him. But he 
usually did. 

Less than a week later, Willie Occam, 
owner of Slipper Sal's, a barbershop and 
onegirl bordello, was brought into the 
combination coalbin and emergency ward 
at the Ardent Catchall—as the natives 
humorously and selfdeprecatingly те 
ferred to the nursing home, morgue, hos 
pice, gift shop, tourist center and post 
office—in deep shock. Dr. Jeeves, familiar 
‘ual preferences, immedi- 
ately administered anthrax vaccine. But 
he also noticed two identical deep marks 
to the points of Occam's shoul 


ders. "Ship not do thaat,” he muttered. 
Recovering somewhat following the 
injection, Occam began to mutter 
those things . . 
nyth: һе... 
monstrous. * Even in the 


final extremity, his sentence structure was 
fauldess, albeit somewhat staggered. And 
then а scream. Nurse Catherine Barkley, 
famous throughout all of Ardent County 
for her marvelous, near miraculous boobs, 
had entered the room. 

Occam lapsed back into shock, but not 
belore throwing his head back and scream- 
ing a guttural cry of terror. By pressing 
his ear to the dying man’s lips, Dr. 


‘shared with Unde Mao, the town's Chi- 


Jeeves heard his last word. Or 
last part of the last syllable of hi 

“It sounding, sahib, please. 
mouch like, sahib, please, like "zz 
pleased?" Dr. Jeeves asked Chi 
and patrolman John Fanning, a bio- 
physicist who much preferred what he 
alled the human element to chasing 
molecular missing links. 

Leaving Fanning in the office they 


, eddy 


nese laundryman, and playing a hunch, 
Chief Parker drove over to Belle Fourche 
to visit. Edmui Wilson. Wilson had 
majored in English for two years at the 
state vocational school and had devoted 
the last 47 to compiling a dictionary of 
word endings. 

"So you think it could be anythi 
said Parker, getting ready to leave 
hits, wit ts, sits, fits, gits, 
that most likely it's "2205 Hummmmm," 
he said, scratching his deerstalker. 


“How long do you think you can keep 
this quiet?” demanded Darrell Feldmeyet, 
editor of the monthly Ardent Tidbits, 
wiping the remains of a Sacher Torte 
pizza from his vest. Feldmeyer was an 
editor of the old school, a hard drinker 
and chain gumchewer, Never without his 
gum, ‘ole chomp,” as he called it, 
and even when devouring one of his hard- 
boilekeggand-oyster or rhubarb-and- 
anchovy pizzas, he always kept ole chomp 
securely fastened to his surgically cor- 
rected harelip. or 2s surgically corrected 
as Dr. Jeeves could make it. He now 
spoke with a stuttering, whistling lisp. 
He was devoted to the town and had 
proved it by hushing up the story of the 
girl he had reason to believe was on 
drugs supplied by the son of an Iranian 
onion farmer. 


"You have a mad . . . thing . . . on 
your hands . . . the lives of everyone in 
this town, this county . . . and you're 


telling me to . . ." he stutter-whistle- 
isped. “Why. I'm going to blow the lid 
off this thing . 
freedom of the pr 


le... . The press is a flaming sword! 
TIL be damn” 
“Think for a moment,” said Mayor 


Coppard, chidy understated 
kosh B'Gosh pinstripe bibs, 
will mean to the 
town, the 
Shorty's Din ion come 
full moon, when the Future Farmers get 
here. . . . Besides, I got partners." 

"Oh," stutter-whistle-lisped Feldmeyer, 
"a matter of. public safety! Why didn't 
you say so? Why should the free press be 
used to cater to the prurient interests of 
a few gossips and busybodies? You're 
right, Mr. Mayor, and if Parker here tries 
anything funny, we'll fire him!” 


"Tits" said Norman  Maylorder, 
"boobs, gazooms, you call ‘em what you 
(continued on page 269) 


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PLAYBOY 


Dueling Jocks (continued from page 156) 


me inside unless he can get position for 
offensive rebounds. He gives me the big- 
Best problem when the Celtics are fast- 
breaking. I'll drop back halfway between 
the free-throw line and the basket to stop 
any penetration and to try to block any 
shots the guards might get if they beat 
someone on my team to the hoop. 

As a center, Dave is first-rate. I don't 
think anyone in the league is second-rate. 
I mean, I can't give you an A, B, C or D 
on Dave, but he is certainly one of the 
finer centers I face. Hey, a lot of people 
say Dave Cowens is a great rebounding 
center, period. They forget that after he 
gets those rebounds, he makes the passes 
to start the fast break and then a lot of 
times follows the fast break down and 
puts in that onc-hander from the free- 
throw area. 

And they also forget that I have to stay 
with him all the time, because he can hit 
trom out there. The Celtics wouldn't win 
as many games as they do if they didn't 
have him. 

What else can I say? He's good and 
he's aggressive and to me that makes a 
good center. What he lacks in height (he's 
6/9") he makes up in muscle. Players 
can do that, And I know one thing: I 
wouldn't want to fight him. One time 
he punched Bob Dandridge; he gave 
him a rightleft combination and put 
Bob on his seat, so I don't want to fight 
anybody as rugged as that. He's a very 
fiery guy, but I've never seen him try to 
hurt anybody while he's playing. He 
takes as good as he gives and I never 
hear him complain. I would have to say 
he’s a gentleman. 


Richard Petty 
Over the years, David [Pearson] has 
been the toughest cat for me to beat, day 
in and day out, year in and year out. I 
mean, short tracks, dirt tracks, super- 
speedways, road courses, you name it. 

Sometimes he hasn’t been the hardest 
driver in the world, but he does a lot of 
thinkin’, and you don't find that too 
much. Oh, if he has to drive hard, he can 
amd does. He's in good physical shape 
and he just don't get tired; he can race 
you to the end. I guess this is as impor- 
tant as most things. Some people say, 
“I can't run with them now, but by the 
time we run three, four hundred miles, 
ТИ be able to smoke 'em." With Davi 
you don't figure on beatin' him like that. 
You have to figure on just plain outrun- 
nin' him or outsmartin' him. Or getti 
outrun or outsmarted. 

About the only place I got him smoked 
now is on the short tracks, and that's 
because he don't run as many of them 
anymore as I do. As for the big tracks, 
sometimes I get him and sometimes he 
gets me. 

One thing about David: Of all the 


164 drivers I drive with, 1 would trust him 


further than any of the rest; not trust to 
the sense that you think he's always right 
but trust when you're runnin' beside him 
or if he has to make a split-second deci- 
sion. If you're following him in a draft 
with three or four cars and something 
happens up front, like somebody spins or 
slides, and you can’t sec anything, well, 
if he makes a righthand turn, you just 
follow him. H he goes through the fence, 
you just go out with him. And you feel 
like there wasn't no other way out. I 
have that kind of confidence in his 
driving. 

When he's drafting me (following 
about a foot away at top speed), I trust 
his judgment there, too. I know he'll 
work with me and try to make me run 
fast so he can run faster. He don't try 
to play around and mess you up so far 
as handling is concerned, or try to slow 
you down or any of that kind of stuff. We 
just get out there and run, man. And 
that's what it's all about. 

As far as driving style is concerned, 
he's not that much different from Bobby 
Allison or Cale Yarborough or any of those 
other cats. But on the old dirt tracks, he 
was something special. He had his own 
technique and he was hard to beat. 

He did one thing I don’t understand, 
though. I mean, I been racin’ with him 
for 15 years and I didn't understand 
what he did at Daytona last year in the 
Firecracker 400. If I had trusted him any 
further that day, we would both have 
crashed. We had already taken the white 
flag tellin’ us we were goin’ into the last 
lap and David run down to the start-finish 
line with me on his bumper at 190-200 
miles an hour. Well, he just run down 
into the first corner and let off. He 
turned left a little and I had to swerve 
to the right to miss him. When I went 
by, he caught my draft and stayed back 
there until the fourth turn, where he 
pulled out and slingshot by me as we 
crossed the finish line. 

Now, I don’t mind gettin’ outrun, but 
I didn’t like him pullin’ a trick like that. 
Besides, I was runnin’ second, anyhow. 
Most of us race by an unwritten law 
where you do certain things and there's a 
limit. I mean, you just only cheat so much 
or you only take advantage so much, and 
this was a deal where I think from my 
understanding of the ethics of racing 
that he went a little overboard. 

But there again, he was ridin’ around 
there and he was thinkin —and me and 
him had run off and left everybody else— 
and I guess he felt that if he wasn't care- 
ful, I was going to outthink him. I was 
thinkin' the same way. But I didn't think 
he'd go that far. 

Four or five weeks after that, we ran 
at Talladega and it was the same situa- 
tion, except I was leading and David was 
second. He had caught me on a caution 


flag and went past me on the white-flag 
lap. I guess I slowed down а little. But 
he passed me and I caught a good draft 
and started by him as we came out of 
four. We sort of leaned on each other 
a іше bit. He cut one way and I didn't 
move and sparks flew off the cars, but 1 
beat him by a couple of feet. 

Everybody said, “Well, I see you got 
even,” and I said, “You don't never get 
eun 


David Pcarson 

Richard [Petty] is а real good boy. As 
for runnin' on a race track, I had rather 
run with him than anyone I know. I 
really had. 

"Course, the sportswriters start a lot of. 
things. Like last year at Daytona; all that 
stuff wasn't true, you know. I mean, I 
was leadin’ the race on the last lap and 
naturally you're gonna do anything you 
can to outfox the other guy. Well, I 
knew he was gonna draft by me when we 
came out of four. There wasn’t no way in 
the world I was gonna outrun him. So I 
had to think of something, some way to 
make him pass me before we got to the 
fourth turn. 

I just backed off and pulled to the in- 
side and naturally he thought something 
happened to my car, so he just went 
buzzin’ right on by me, and then I come 
right up on him and started draftin’ him. 
I passed him comin’ off number four 
and won the race. 

As for Talladega—where the reporters 
got in it again—it wasn't exaaly the 
same. I couldn't run with Richard there. 
I thought Allison and them was a lap 
behind or I wouldn't have passed Rich- 
ard in the first place. My back glass was 
comin’ out and air was gettin’ under it 
and the car was a mess. But it was some 
kind of finish, anyway. 

To tell you the truth, I'm more re- 
laxed runnin’ close to Richard than by 
anybody else. Even if we're rubbin’ 
fenders. I mean, E know what he's gonna 
do, because I've run with him long 
enough. A lot of those other drivers, you 
don't know what they're gonna do. They 
might run in one corner wideopen one 
time and the next they might back off, 
but Richard is smooth. He'll usually run 
the same groove all day long and at the 
same speed. That makes a lot of differ- 
ence when you're drafting somebody. 

On a long track, it's more or less the 
car; I mean, you got more runnin’ room 
and you can run harder. But on a short 
track, you can take a car that's not even 
runnin’ good and you can still do pretty 
good. Just like Martinsville, Virginia: 
It's strictly a handling track and Richard 
is real hard to beat there. 

“Course, Richard has been runnin’ 
short races since he started and he’s really 
good. You'll follow him through and, 

(continued on page 278) 


IT WAS DURING THE TIME that Howard 
Hughes was cooped up in bungalow four 
of the Beverly Hills Hotel that I became 
proficient at catching fies. During that 
period, I was one of six people in the 
Hughes organization who saw Hughes and 
the one who served as his sole companion 
in that dark bungalow, staying with him 
as he ran and reran movies. He would sit, 
nude except for a hotel napkin on his 
lap, in the sweltering heat (he refused to 
allow the air conditioners to be turned 
on), stacking Kleenex boxes atop one an- 
other, watching the films. I sat in a chair 
several feet behind him, his projection- 
ist. . „and flycatcher. 

Catching flies for Howard Hughes by 
the approved method meant that you 
could use only your hands. No fly swatters, 
newspapers or magazines, sticky paper or 
spray cans were allowed. You had to cover 
your hand with Kleenex so that the hand 
would not come into direct contact with 
the enemy, and you had to move slowly. 
Any sudden movement would raise a 
cloud of dust in the incredibly littered 
room. Patience was the key: Hughes had 
patience, the fly had patience, and so you 
had to have patience. 

Whenever a fly managed to get past the 
guard outside the bungalow door—his job 
was to keep the pests out whenever the 
door was opened—I would stalk it ever so 
carefully, keeping the hand palm up, 
with the Kleenex draped over it. If the 
fiy was in a relatively dust-free location, 
I would swipe at it just before it could 
take off, Hughes always insisted that he 
personally see the fallen enemy, so it 
was necessary to stand in front of his 
chair, extend my arm to a position eight 
inches from his nose, unfold the Kleenex 
and Jet him inspect the kill. On rare oc- 
casions, he would say, “That's a nice fly, 
Ron," or "You were real quick on that 
one" I would say nothing, because 


the first 
close-up look 
at the world's 
most eccentric 
billionaire by a 
personal aide who 
spent three incredible 
years with him 


article 


By RON KISTLER 


Hughes did not wish me to speak in his 
presence. 
It was the oddest time of my life. 


In March of 1957, I was living in a sub- 
urb of Los Angeles, out of work, and 
Dick Homer, a friend of mine who was 
holding two jobs, said he could get me 
some work with the firm for which he 
moonlighted. A couple of days later, a 
man called and identified himself as 
Bennie Carlisle. He said that Dick had 
given him my name and wondered if I 
would be interested in meeting with him 
in 30 minutes. Surprised by the abrupt- 
ness, I said yes, and he told me to 
meet him at the phone booth in the 
Standard gas station at the intersection of 
Balboa Avenue and Victory Boulevard in 
Van Nuys. He told me he'd be g 
a green Chevy; but after I had gotten to 
the station and waited a half hour, a man 
pulled up in a blue Chevy. I went up to 
him; it was Carlisle, and after we had 
chatted for a while, he gave me a short- 
form job application, which 1 filled out in 
his car. He asked if I knew where Clover- 
field Airport was: It was the field in Santa 
Monica 1 had always thought belonged to 
Douglas Aircraft, which was located next 
door. He told me to be there, at the 
southeast corner of the field, at midnight 
that night and report to a guy in a Chevy 
parked near a Convair 440. Apparently, I 
had been hired, though I didn’t know by 
whom or what I was supposed to do. 
Whatever it was, I was to do it from 
midnight to eight A.M. 

When I got to the airport, I found a 
filthy Convair sitting in a corner of the 
field, an equally filthy Chevy parked near 
it and no one in the car. There was a 
note saying that someone named Parker 
had had to leave at 11:45 to tend to his 
sick wife. Since I had gotten to the field 
at 11, I was anxious to meet this Parker 


and compare watches with him. I didn't 
meet anyone for four days, by which time 
my wife and 1 were barely speaking: She 
thought it would be sensible if I knew 
something about whom I was working 
for, what I was supposed to do and how 
much І was getting paid. She was right, 
but my pal Dick was out of town and he 
was the only person I could ask. 

Finally, on the fifth night, I got to the 
field and there was a guy, huddled in the 
Chevy, reading a book by the light of a 
flashlight. He told me his name was Pat, 
that he was a student at Loyola University 
and a substitute for the elusive Parker, 
and, more importantly, that we worked 
for Hughes Productions. We were sup- 
posed to be guarding the Convair and 
we were earning two dollars an hour, with 
time and a half after 40 hours. Since 
Parker and the guard who occasionally 
showed up to relieve me were so casual, 
I began taking an air mattress іп my sta- 
tion wagon, along with an alarm clock 
and a sleeping bag to ward off the Pacific 
night chill. Га grab seven hours’ sleep 
and keep looking for work during the 
day. My only connection with the Hughes 
empire was picking up my checks at 
Operations. 

Operations was a block-long, two-story 
art-deco building located at 7000 Romaine 
Street іп Hollywood. It served as offices 
for the Hughes staff. Operations’ num- 
berone reason for existence is supposed 
to be to serve Howard Hughes, but it 
seemed to me that what it did was to 
screw up Hughes's life and take care of 
itself. Inside the main office was a battery 
of male secretaries, all Mormons who 
had gone to Brigham Young University. 
Whenever the phone rang, they tran- 
scribed everything—every word—that was 
said, no matter who was calling. That log 
was kept at Hughes's instructions, so that 
he could call Operations any time and 
get his messages, which would be read to 
him in entirety: time of call, staff mem- 
ber who took it, name of caller and the 
conversation, including vocal inflections, 
pauses, stammers or any other mannerism 
that might indicate the state of mind of 
the caller. The state of mind of the 
person answering was always the same: 
The secretaries were unfailingly polite, 
spoke with the same Utah twang, and 
when they got mad, the closest they came 
10 р ity was to utter an exasperated 
“For heck's sakes. . . ." 

Hughes was on his way to becoming a 
recluse by 1957, and my finances were on 
their way back to normal when 1 was 
ordered to work double shifts at the air- 
port. But I quickly became as lazy as the 
rest of the guard operation, and so I was 
home, asleep, one night when I got a 
tic call from Operations, wanting to 
know why I wasn't at the airport. А very 
important person—the most important of 
them all, in fact—was supposed to be 
there, and 1 was given instructions on 
how to act around Howard Hughes: Don't 


ariving s, 
vat much differ 
2 Cale Yarborough 
эз. But on the old a 
mething special. He h 
.que and he was hard to 
: did one thing I don't ur. 
gh. I mean, 1 been racin’ | 
15 years and | didn't ur 
he did at Daytona last ye 
acker 400. If I had truste 
that day, we would 
Че had already r^^ 


ILLUSTRATION BY ERALDO CARUGATI 


look at hi dont talk to him; don't 
touch him. That was all 1 had time to 
hear before ] ran for my post. When I 
got there, a group of airplane mechanics 
was moving a Douglas DC-6 cargo plane 
from its hangar to a position near the 
g the move was a tall, 
guy dressed in a sports coat, a white 
shirt open at the neck and brown slacks. 
It was Howard Hughes. 

Because Hughes had devised a cocka- 
mamie system for towing the plane, the 
move took until dawn, which brought a 
crowd of early-morning pilots to see why 
six men were doing a two-man job. 1 ran 
over to the edge of the crowd and did 
what I could to keep the people away 
from Hughes and the planes. Suddenly, 
a voice from the rear called out, "Who's 
that old gent?” 

As I tried to think of an answer, another 
voice yelled, "Isn't that Howard Hughes?" 

1 was still fumbling when a third man 
boomed, "Hell, yes, that’s old Howard! 
I've seen him fly in and out of here for 
ten years.” That seemed to sitisfy the men 
and they turned to go to the parking lot. 

I turned around and damn near fell 
over the hood of a blue Chevy, which con- 
tained Hughes and his driver. During 
the mob scene, he had retreated, and 1 
figured I had nothing more to lose. My 
eyes would not be diverted. By God, I 
was going to take a good look, since I 
figured it would be my last. Much to my 
surprise, I found Hughes looking direct- 
ly at me and, more importantly, his angu- 
lar face was in the beginning stages of a 
grin; then he gave mea full smile. Appar- 
ently he'd noticed my efforts in his behalf. 

A couple of months later, I was in- 
formed by phone that I had been selected 
to join the "drivers pool" of 1? or so full- 
time men. "The room we worked out of 
was in a small building at 941 North 
Orange, right next to the Romaine Street 
building. 

Working at the airport had allowed 
me total frecdom of self-expression: If 
I showed up for work wearing nothing 
more than a jockstrap and some suntan 
oil, there would be no one to tell me I 
had overstepped the line. But at the cen- 
ter of the Hughes organization, those lines 
were carefully drawn, There was a list of 
do's and don'ts that we were expected to 
foll The do's were standard stuff: 
Dress neatly in a conservative suit; keep 
med; keep your 
be attentive to 
tructions; and, last but not least, be 
lable. (As it turned out, being avail- 
able for Hughes meant that 1 would be 
paid for many 168-hour work wecks.) 

The don'ts were much more restrictive 
and included: Don't smoke; don't drink: 
don't eat garlic, onions or Roquefort salad 
dressing; don't talk to anyone concerning 
your dutics; don't question any assign- 
ment; and. never, never ask why (I later 
learned that it was morally permissible to 
ask why, but the question would never be 


PLAYBOY 


answered). Those rules were not posted 
anywhere. Orders were seldom, if ever, 
written down; the Operations staff liked 
to repeat instructions over and over again 
until you could repeat them: It was the 
Mormon equivalent of the catechism. 

The duties of the drivers were varied. 
In the course of а week, I might com- 
plete the following missions for Opera 
tions: Pick up newspapers and mag: 
pick up restaurant food or special ice 
cream for a member of the Operations 
staff; mail letters; pick up Hughes's head 
secretary at home, drive her to her 
office at Operations and drive her home 
again at the е pick up Mrs. 
Hughes's maid in Pacific Palisades and 
drive her to the Beverly Hills Hotel, to 
Mrs. Hughes's bungalow, and then home 
again. 

On occasion, Operations would call, 
asking for a specific driver to perform a 
task. (Bluntly put, the staff of Operations 
recognized that the drivers they were 
hiring straight out of Fleabite, Utah, 
hadn't the savvy to perform any but the 
simplest chores, so the few of us who had 
demonstrated some street smarts were 
often called for by name.) 

We would drive out of our parking 
lot, go around the block and wind up 
under a window at the northwest corner 
of the Operations building. After honk- 
ing the horn and waiting, we would sce 
a face appear at the window. Much of 
the time, “important” instructions of the 
great Hughes empire would be shouted 
down to the driver by the staff member 
upstairs. Some of the time, the staff people 
upstairs took advantage of modern tech- 
nology: They lowered messages using a 
fishline with a note attached by a clothes- 
pin. A typical urgent communiqué might 
be: ke this note to the address shown 
on the front. When you 
go immediately to apartment number 104. 
Knock on the door. When the door is 
opened, say nothing, but give this note 
t0 the party who has opened the door. 
Wait there. You will be given a package. 
Do not open the package but bring it 
directly back to Operations and signal 
in the normal manner so that we can 
retrieve this package." The retrieval sys- 
tem was that same fishing line, and there 
were any number of windy days when 
the men across the street who worked for 
a concrete manufacturer had to believe 
we were nuts, with our little messages 
blowing in the wind. 

Much of the drivers time was taken 
up with the starlets who were under con- 
wac to Hughes Productions. Signed up 
by Hughes's talent scout, Walter Kane, 
the young women would spend days at 
drama lessons, dance lessons and voice 
lessons. This schooling was given at the 
private residences of the instructors, in 
houses scattered throughout Hollywood, 
Beverly Hills and West L.A. A driver 
would be assigned to a particular starlet 


168 for a day, taking her from lesson to 


lesson. Since each lesson lasted two hours, 
it made for a leisurely day for the drivers, 
with lots of goof-off time: The drivers 
would тесі for coffee in the morning 
and—for a few of us—clandestine drinks 
in the late afternoon. (I also used the 
earlyafternoon hours to sharpen my 
skills at pool, snooker and billiards.) 

There was one standing rule of the 
road for drivers who had a Hughes starlet 
in the car. If we saw a bump in the road, 
we were supposed to slow down to a 
maximum speed of two miles ап hour 
and cra-wl over the obstruction so as 
not to jiggle the starlet’s breasts. I learned 
that Hughes was one of the world’s con- 
summate tit mei id he was convinced 
that women's breasts would sag danger- 
ously unless treated gently and supported 
at all times. (Perhaps the no-bra world 
we live in these days is one of the reasons 
Hughes stays in hiding.) 

Evening was the start of the real fun. 
At least twice a week, the drivers on 
starlet duty would be required to take a 
starlet to dinner, at either Perino's or 
the Lanai Restaurant of the Beverly Hills 
Hotel—both top-rank eateries. We were 
usually paired with a new starlet each 
time, the idea being to discourage fa- 
rity. What really discouraged any 
familiarity was the fact that we would 
escort them in the company of their 
agents and, quite often, their parents. 
Under no circumstances could we escort 
an unchaperoned starlet. 

Every starlet | escorted looked like 
every olher starlet under contract to 


variably dark-haired, h 
flai-hipped, around 53”, be 
resemblance to Jean Peters, a former star 
and then Hughes's wife. 

The dinners (and movies, stage plays 
or concerts afterward) were reasonably en- 
joyable, even if the starlets were interested 
only in looking for famous faces who 
might advance their careers. But the real 
Íun came from the fact that the restaurant. 
would invariably contain other Hughes 
drivers, having dinner with their collec 
tion of starlets, agents and. parents. We 
were ordered not to acknowledge the pres- 
ence of our friends, but we would try to 
break one another up by passing notes or 
making faces. It was silly stuff, but it 
may have served as escape from the dis- 
quieting fact that the starlet you had 
taken to dinner two nights earlier would 
literally look right through you when 
she was being escorted by another driver. 

The best part of the dinner was the 
knowledge that lurking in the parking 
lot, not cating, were the private detectives. 
One was assigned to cach driver-starlet 
to make certain there was no hal 
pauky. About half the timc, that detect 
would be followed by another detective, 


presumably to prevent any coordinated 
driver-deteciive sexual conquest. (It was 
never dear what the agent and the 
parents were supposed to be doing dur- 
ing this fantasy seduction.) In any event, 
part of the pleasure of my 520 stcak 
dinners was the knowledge that thc 
streets around the parking lot at Perino's 
would be littered with gumshoes trying 
to look inconspicuous in onc of LA's 
posher neighborhoods. 

None of the starlets we escorted ever 
became stars, even with all the coaching 
and the hotsy-totsy food. The only ones 
who ever achieved anything big in Holly- 
wood had to break their contracts, get new 
agents and start all over again. Hughes 
seemed to want them on the payroll as if 
they were a soil bank. He paid them gen- 
erously, but Hughes Productions wasn't 
producing any movies during that period. 

Several months went by and I was called 
by Kay Glenn, the head of Operations, 
who told me that I had been promoted to 
head of the drivers’ room. It an 
honor for а non-Mormon to get that jol 
but before I could settle in. I was ordered 
by onc of the men at Opcrations to report 
to the Goldwyn studios in Hollywood 
that same night. From the tremor in his 
voice, I could tell that it was an assign- 
ment that had to do with Hughes himself. 

On arriving at Goldwyn, I found Bill 
Brimley, a friend from the drivers’ room 
and one of the men who could be counted 
on to think for himself. Brimley told me 
that. we were supposed to guard Hughes, 
who would be screening some films at 
the studio in one of the private theaters. 
Brimley didn't know how long the assign- 
ment was supposed to last and neither of 
us was sure what a bodyguard for Hughes 
was supposed to do. Brimley had an inch 
on ту 5/8" and 20 pounds on my 180, 


but neither of us would have inspired 
any terror іп a would-be assassin's heart. 
Was I supposed to hold an intruder's 


arms while Brimley hit him? 

Not knowing what to do, we called 
Opera and got as orders the old 
Don'tlookachim routine, with a couple 
of addi Do not speak to Mr. Hughes 
unless he commands you to do so; do 
not allow anyone to walk up the stairway 
at either end of the building; do not 
go into the projection booth or allow 
anyone in there except the projectionist. 

Naturally, the first thing 1 did was 
to attempt to keep a man out of the 
building—he was Carl, the projectionist. 
Hughes and his wife had entered by 
going past Brimleys station, so my first 
Knowledge that they were there came 
when I heard the film being run. Su 
denly, it became very quiet in the screen- 
ing room. Then there was a loud "Bang!" 
that sounded like a pistol being fired 
Terrified, I thought that someone 
gotten in and shot Hughes. As I ran 
toward the room, the door exploded оре 

(continued on page 176) 


pany decide at the last minute 


to cancel the office Christmas party?" 


"How dare the com 


169 


FOUR-STAR 
PRODUCTION 


Barry Newman, NBC-TV^; fast-talking star of 
the lawyer series Petrocelli, here takes a faste 
lon cue from his good buddy pLavsoy Associ 
ate Photo Editor Hollis Wayne; she’s tuned 
him onto a striped lamb's-wool V-neck with 
contrasting trim, by Wayne Rogers, $32, and 
а pair of wool/polyester flared-leg stacks, 
from Tivoli by Spotwood, $23. Bob Seagren, 
Olympic pole vaulter and all-American super- 
jock, sports a velour knit pullover with printed 
figure design, by Nik Nik, about $35, se- 
lected by Kom Seagren, Bob's super lady. 


attire By ROBERT LOREEN 


it's ladies’ choice as a 
quartet of celebrities wear what 
the women like to see them in 


Tim Curry, star of The Rocky Harror Show 
(stage ond screen versians), is into what his 
CES pale [he edere а 
Phillips, likes best, a flannel pullover, by 
Greenleaf and Lodico far Fox Run, $25, and 
velvet slacks, by Jaeger, $50. Ken Norton, 
the heavyweight cantender wha's now a film 
star (Mandingo), wears nought but a nylon 
bikini, by Gil Cahen far Boulet, $4. His 
woman, Jackie Halton—secretary ta the přes 
ident of Matawn—defends her choice with the 
Mies уап der Rohe dictum "Less is more.” 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY FRANCESCO SCAVULLO 


PWT! FEELTHY FIVE-LIERJP 


tumor By É OCONNOR limericks to make your. day and massage your libido 


` ‘The bribe that young streetwalker Stover 
Employsas a sexual rover 
Is to hand-job police: 
As che gives one release, 
She informs him, “My cop runneth over!” 


A horny young footman named Dockery 


+ “Playing topless,” says softball coach Breem, 
Was screwing a maid on some crockery. . . - “Wins a girls’ club both fans and esteem. 
+ . Cried the girl, “This is crass! í They're the Baltimore Quails, Me 
Гус got shards up my ass, But some pun-loving males - . 
And find your best service a mockery!” 


Like to call them ‘the aureoles team." ” 


Since a stage struck massage girl named Hart 
Knows directors who sample her art, 


SON АМЕ ‘The sultan expansively cracked. + 
, She's aware what controls ~“ "There are bunk beds for all, 
‘The assignment of roles > Where the dears wait my call, 

Is a good working grasp of the part. ү 


“My harem now has what it lacked,” ^ 


Since the women I ball must be stacked!” 


ILLUSTRATIONS BY DOUG TAYLOR 


Mixing joy and suspicion, one Russo 
Told his bride, “My beloved, your trousseau 
Js a virginal white, 
But it hardly seems right 
That a virgin should know how to screw so!” 


A hot little night nurse named Hearst 
Gor off with a Bratwurst at first; 

But her pleasure now lies 

Ina non-deli guise 
As the interns take turns for the Wurst. 


A brash adolescent named Lou 
Had just had his very first screw. 
“It’s the ‘in’ thing, a bang,” 
Louie bragged to his gang, 
“Like a wonderful wet dream come true!” 


‘When the Arts Ball was over, Miss Kahn “The queen,” so an editor said, 
(Who's a nympho) was worn out and wan. “Was pleased when a page gave her head; 
She'd attended, you sce, But was more pleased when two 
Asa walking TV, Did a synchronized do, 
And the guys all kept turning her on! While the queen did а double-page spread.” 


“I have found,” sighed a hooker named Hickel, Said a horny young pirate named Tate: 
“That those Chinese are kinky and fickle: “There are eight different girls whom I date; 
‘They screw me .. . then beat те... And I'm having a ball, 
Then hungrily eat me— Since I'm banging them al 


And the worst is, those chopsticks sure tickle!” Tearing off all those pieces of eight!” 


The XJ-S hos finally arrived on these shores 
after being heralded in Europe os the finest 
Jaguar yet. Visually, it represents a radical 
departure—the look is very Malian. From the 
spoiler under its slit grille to the recessed 
rear window to the rakish reor end, the 
XJ-S is, for Jogvar, an unusual approach to 
«or design. The interior, left, is a good indico- 
fion of the path the company seems to be tok- 
ing; none of the classic burled walnut here but 
а no-nonsense, highly visible white-on-block in- 
strumentatian set into a thickly padded dash. 
As befits the marque, the coupe is very fast— 
its V12 engine produces 285 bhp—but it is sur- 
really quiet, even at tap speed, which should 
be somewhere around 150 mph. Good show! 


JAGUAR'S 
BIG NEW CAT 


no need to mourn the passing of 
the xk-e—coventry has come up 
with what may be the best jag ever 


modern living 


By KARL LUDVIGSEN 


THE BLACK-AND-WHITE Tudor walls of the 
Wild Boar Inn were lit up by the Jaguar's 

lights as we swung into the cobblc- 
stoned courtyard. We had left the inn on 
a hill near Beeston in Cheshire a half 
hour earlier, after we'd 

to the red XJ-S from a 

tions man. We said we wanted to sce 
how its new headlights and its dashboard 
lighting worked at night. But that was 
only a ploy, not the real reason at all 

had turned the keys over to engi- 

neer Jim Randall, because we wanted to 
see how one of the people who developed 
this new Jaguar would handle it. We 
like to ride with the men who design 
«аә because their style at the wheel 
shows us what they expect of their crea 
tions. The more (continued on page 222) 


PLAYBOY 


HOWARD HUGHES continued from page 168) 


Howard Hughes walked toward me as 
I stood there, frozen, staring at him. 1 
realized that that was against orders, so 
I retreated out the door and onto a cat- 
walk that circled the second floor of the 
building. Hughes's footsteps in the hall- 
way came closer and doser, until it seemed 
that he was going to walk out onto the 
catwalk. There wasn't much room for 
me to retreat. “Bang!” I turned to see 
the door to the women's room dosing. I 
heard the unmistakable sound of a tall 
man urinating into a bippy, and for some 
strange reason, Z felt relieved. Hughes 
hadn't been shot, I knew where he was 
and 1 knew that he was going to come 
out of there. I took up a position about 
three feet from the door and turned my 
back. A few moments later, I heard the 
door open, some footsteps close by and 
then silence. The skin on the back of 
my neck began to crawl. 

“Good evening, Ron." It was a man's 
voice, pleasant, with just a trace of a 
"Texas twang. “You can turn around. Hell, 
I'm not that ugly." He chuckled. I turned 
around to face one of the world's greatest 
mysteries. There really was a Howard 
Hughes, even close up. 

I looked up at a thin, angular face 
that was neatly framed by a Vandyke 
beard. He had thin gray hair that was 
combed straight back in a style that had 
gone out of fashion; there were traces of 
the original brown in his hair. He was 
over 63" and appeared to weigh no more 
than 155 pounds. He was dressed in a 
loose-fitting sports coat, a white shirt that 
was open at the neck, tan gabardine 
slacks that not only were out of style 
but seemed to have been tailored for a 
much heavier man and a pair of brown 
ір brogans. There were по laces 
s shoes and, judging from the 
decrepit condition of those shoes, it 
looked as if the laces had died a natural 
death. It seemed to be the same outfit 
Hughes had been wearing at the airport 
when I had first seen him. 

I didn't know how he knew my name. 
Perhaps he'd asked about me after the 
airport incident (which would explain 
my advancement in the organization). I 
don't remember if I said hello back. As 
we stood there, leaning on the railing in 
the soft California night, we exchanged 
mostly small talk, very small. Hughes 
volunteered that it had been a nice day 
and I replied, "Yes, but it was warm." 

“The clouds are building,” he said, 
“so it looks as if we'll have some more 
rain." He didn't ask me how I was feeling 
or anything about my personal life 
(married? children?) or anything else two 
strangers might discuss to pass the time. 
Nor did he want to talk about my job, 
which might be expected when the two 
strangers are employer and employee. 
Abruptly, he went into a discourse, it 


176 great detail, about the workings of a 


large tank used for storing natural gas 
that dominated the skyline next to the 
studio. He talked about the tank for 
almost 45 minutes before he returned to 
the studio, A short time later, around 
midnight, the screening ended. As Hughes 
walked down the stairway to his car, 1 
waited for a “Good night, Ron." It never 
came. 

The screenings continued, as many as 
five times a week, for four months. We 
could never anticipate the next perform- 
ance. Sometimes Hughes would come 
alone, and when he did, we knew we were 
in for an extended session. He usually 
screened for at least 12 hours and, on 
many occasions, for 48 to 72 hours. Dur- 
g those marathons, Brimley and | 
would sneak into the projection room 
not only to get warmth from the Early 
"Times that Carl would smuggle but 
also to get an idea of Hughes's viewing 
habits. His tastes ran from the then- 
current Academy Award contenders to 
epics such as / Was a Teenage Werewolf. 
Some of the films were shown in their 
entirety. Others would be stopped after 5, 
10, 40 or 80 minutes by a signal from 
Hughes. То this day, 1 cannot figure out 
why he stopped some pictures when he 
did: On many occasions, he would watch 
a movie for two hours and stop it five 
mi ез from the end. The most frustrat- 
ing moments for us were when he stopped 
mysteries just before the killer was 
unmasked. 

You really had to be an avid moviegoer 
to sit in a damn screening room for two, 
three or four days at a time, and you 
certainly had to have a cast-iron ass. І 
don't think anybody knows why Hughes 
chose to devote as much of his time as 
he did to those screenings. I did notice 
that the more outside business pressure 
we would hear about through the grape- 
vine as coming down on Hughes, the 
more he turned to the movies. 1 suspect 
that he did his best mental work watching 
movies, because he’s not the kind of guy 
to sit at a desk and make a list. 

Other times, though, he was at Gold- 
wyn only because his wife (we called her 
Тһе Major, while we called another 
woman in whom Hughes was interested 
The Party wanted to go out. Private 
screenings were among the few things he 
would easily let her do and that they 
could do together. To me, from the times 
1 saw her, Jean Peters was the girl-next- 
door type. While she would sometimes. 
come to the screening room in furs and 
finery (every inch the knockout she was 
1 Captain from Castile), other nights 
she'd arrive in Levis and tennis sneakers. 
The Major was always polite, never for- 
getting to say “Hi, Ron,” or “Good eve- 
ning; how are you?” Given Hughes's 
unpredictable behavior, her sensitivity was 
most appreciated. She seemed to enjoy 
Hughes's company, yet there were oca- 


sions when she'd raise her voice, excl: 
ing, “I don't want to watch that ag 
Unfortunately, it was like waving a red 
flag: Hughes would get so agitated that 
she would always lose. 

During one of the extended sessions, 
we had been at Goldwyn for two and a 
half days. Brimley, Carl and I were 
whipped; it looked as though Hughes 
were going to stay forever. Luckily, Carl 
had brought enough Early Times so that 
it appeared we might be able to outlast 
Hughes. The three of us ме 
that the W.C.T.U., as well as Oper 
would certai have described as аги 
but we were still functioning. 1 wi 
at the north end of the corridor, leaning 
back in my chair with my feet propped 
on the opposite side of the doorway. It 
was my superguard position. Someone 
would have to brush my legs aside or 
step over them to gain access to the 
hallway. 

1 was dozing when I suddenly heard 
running footsteps. Jolted awake, I turned 
to sce Howard Hughes running toward 
me. His knee action was good, considering 
that his spindly legs were too long for 
the rest of him; his arm and hand move- 
ments were worthy of Roger Bannister. 
He was really making tracks. There didn't 
seem to be anyone chasing him, and as I 
leaped out of my chair and moved out of 
the doorway, I wondered what in hell he 
was doing, When he got ten feet from 
the doorway, he gave me the answer: He 
planted both heels and slid—boy, did he 
slide. My end of the hall had much less 
traffic than the other, so the floor wax 
hadn't been worn down. Hughes was 
gaining speed when he hit the doorway 
and the slight clevation of the doorframe 
caused him to go airbome. He literally 
ficu into the pipe railing of the staircase. 
I thought he was going to break his fuck- 
ing neck. He slowly unwrapped himself 
from the railing and looked at me with 
a sheepish grin. Without a word, he 
turned and started back down the hall 
at top speed, finishing with another 
virtuoso slide. 

He made about ten sliding round trips 
that night and many more at subsequent 
screenings. I decided that the reason he 
did it was to wake himself up and get 
the circulation going in his legs after 
days of sitting in the same chair. But 
alter that display of athletic prowess, 1 
made a resolution about my guarding of 
Hughes: If someone did come after him 
to do him harm, I'd simply yell, 
Mr. Hughes! Run!" Hell, I fi 
could outrun 99 percent of his would-be 
attackers; the remaining one percent he 
could simply slide around 

We left Goldwyn for good just after 
" screening room was used to show 
rushes to the cast of Porgy and Bess. 1 
never heard Hughes express any bigotry 
ог racism, but the fact that an all-black 
cast had been in the studio we used 

(continued on page 214) 


“You certainly have a diversified portfolio, Miss Wembley!” 


[ FOREIGN BODIES: Overseas talent, coming from both sides of the English Channel, spiced up the fare on view in 
| America's picture palaces in 1975. Top imports (clockwise from far left): France's Sylvia Kristel, of Emmanuelle, 
Î = Playing with Fire, Julia and the recently completed Anti-Vierge (Anti-Virgin); Britons Fiona Lewis and Roger Daltrey, 
} co-stars of Lisztomania (Daltrey, whose original claim to fame was as lead singer for The Who rock group, also 
played the title role in 1975's other far-out Ken Russell extravaganza, Tommy); Frenchwoman Maria Schneider, 
remembered as Brando's buttered-bun girlfriend in Last Tango in Paris, seen again this year as Jack Nicholson's 
fellow traveler in The Passenger; Michael York, D'Artagnan in the two Musketeers films, who's just completed 
shooting on a futuristic police yarn, Logan's Run; Brigitte Ariel, one of the abducted heiresses in Rosebud, who 
| becomes Edith Piaf in the forthcoming French film biography of the celebrated chanteuse, La Mome Piaf; and 
Charlotte Rampling, the British actress who, after triumphing in The Night Porter, went on to further plaudits as 
| a sort of second-generation Lauren Bacall opposite Robert Mitchum in the detective thriller Farewell, My Lovely. 


р 
F 
| 
| 


PLAYBOY 


of the most honest and outspoken social 
commentators of our time, 
Hollman gave ап extraordi 
formance, writhing into the very guts of 
Bruce, then spilling them for all 
But audiences have come to expect 
ng less of Hoffman: the huge sur- 
prise came from lissome Valerie Perrine, 


Indeed, if Para- 
hadn't used the title years ago, the 
film might well have been called Honey. 
For her performance, Perrine won an 
Acidemy Award nomination, was voted 
best supporting actress by the prestigi 
New York Film Critics Circle and the N: 
mal Board of Review and was the sole 
пегісап contender to walk off with an 
award at the Cannes Film Festival last 
May. As the fresh-faced, ingenuous strip- 
per insidiously recruited by her husband 
into kinky sex, lesbianism and the drug 
scene, she took us into the very soul of 
that unhappy lady and made us feel what 
it was like to live there. 

Which is all the more surprising, since 
Perrine is the fist to adi that she has 
never had an acting lesson in her life. 
“Wind it up and it acts" she said of her- 
self to the Los Angeles Times's Charles 
Champlin. Her stint as one of the top 
topless dancers in the Las Vegas Lido de 
Paris show just a few years back prepared 
her well for her torchy strip number 
Lenny's opening reel (and, for that шас 
ter, lor her earlier bave-breastedness in 
her first two cinematic outings, Slaughter- 
house-Five and The Last American Hero). 
But it was the depths she plumbed as 
Honey that won her not only accolades 
but also the role of W. C. Fields's long- 
suffering mistress in the upcoming W. C. 
Fields and Me. 

If Valerie Perrine was the hottest of 
the female star contenders to take flight 
in 1975, her male counterpart had to be 
Jack Nicholson. To be sure, the lanky 
Nicholson. with his "killer smile," had 
begun to demonstrate to Hollywood his 
ty through offbeat characteriza- 
іп 1974's The Last Detail and 
Chinatown. In 1975, he had four such 
roles—a cameo as the psychiatrist out. to 
seduce Ann-Margret in Ken Russell's 
Tommy and starring parts in Michelange- 
lo Antonioni’s The Passenger, in Mike 
Nichols" The Fortune and in One Flew 
Over the Cuckoo's Nest, based on the Ken 
Kesey novel. Nicholsoi a romantic star 
who is also a damned fine actor—and one 
who. apparently. would much rather test 
his skills than capitalize on his good looks. 
In last year’s The Last Detail, he grew a 
mustache to add a touch of naval swagger 
to his handsome ph in The Fortune, 
as Warren Beatty's dim-witted side-kick 
a loony plor to mulct sanitary-napkin 
heiress Stockard ing of her mill 
Nicholson wore his thinning hair in a 
frizzle that suggested repeated contact 


190 with an electrical outlet. Although he has 


enjoyed a cult following of sors ever 
since he began appearing as a leather-clad 
ldie in the low-budgeted Roger Cor- 
man movies of the late Fifties and the 
early Sixties, Nicholson achieved his first 
wide audience recognition (and ап Acad- 
emy nomination) as the alcoholic lawyer 
who accompanied Dennis Hopper and 
Peter Fonda part of the way in Easy 
Rider, then broadened this identification 
with his work й 
controversial Carnal Knowledge and 
Five Easy Pieces. Perhaps 
cels in playing characters livi 
fringes of society because they reflect his 
own lifestyle—that of a freeswinging 
bachelor with a pad high in the hills of 
Beverly, where the beauteous Anjelica 
Huston (daughter of director John) is his 
more orless constant companion. At this 
point in his career, Nicholson can liter- 
ally write his own ticket. be it in the bed- 
room or on the sound stage. He is a 
superstar whose time has come. 

On the other hand. Warren Beatty, 
Nicholson's co-star in The Fortune—and 
the star, producer and co-writer of the 
year’s most specifically sexually oriented 
hit, Shampoo—has remained a superstar 
ever since he zoomed to the top in Bonnie 
and Clyde (which, lest we forget. he also 
produced) more than eight years ago. Al- 
though he has chosen to remain off the 
screen for one reason or another—some- 
times politics, sometimes amour—for con- 
siderable periods of time, he still 
consistently in demand. One of his longest- 

unning inamoratzs was actress Julie 
Christie: but even though that romance 
has long since dimmed, Beatty gave her 
the best role of her career in Shampoo. 
Once the picture was launched, he set off 
for the South Seas with the luscious Mi- 
chelle Phillips, formerly Nicholson's best 


Bali. A couple of months later, Warren 
and Michelle were back in Hollywood, 
making the rounds of all the spots where 
the Beautiful People regularly show, but 
the wedding bells were still only rumored. 

Much more staid in his private life is 
handsome Robert Redford. In The Great 
Waldo Pepper and Three Days of 
the Condor, he continued to project his 
clean-cut image as the virile American 
male at his best—not necessarily too 
bright but as loyal, honest and dedicated 
ny boy scout, True, in Waldo Pepper, 
there were a couple of scenes to suggest 
that he might have been fooling around 
with both Margot Kidder and Susan 
Sarandon, but the way Redford played 
them, he might just as well have been 
an older brother. Sex hardly scems likely 
up much footage 
which his Wildwood Enterprises 
duce, the Watergate exposé All the Presi- 
dent's Men—in whih hell play Bob 
Woodward opposite Dustin Hoffman's 
Carl Bernstein. In any case, once shooting 
is over, Redford promptly retires to his 
mountain retreat at Sundance, Utah, 


where, surrounded by an electrified fence, 
he enjoys seclusion with his wife and three 
children. 

Hoffman look-alike Al Pacino's smol- 
dering eyes and sensuous lips reveal all 
the passionate depths that could turn an 
lealistic Michael. Corleone into a God- 
father П. Probably the most sought-after 
young star in America at the moment, 
Pacino рге to devote himself to theater 
repertory in Boston, from whence he was 
lured to appear in Sidney Lumet’s long- 
awaited Dog Day Afternoon, which 
provides this dynamic actor with the 
strongest, strangest role of his career—a 
Brooklyn bank robber who pulls a heist 
to finance a sex change for his homosexual 
wife." Pacino makes this complex charac- 
ter so overwhelmingly sympathetic that 
not only are all the girls in the bank oi 
his side—so is the audience! 

Far more prolific. far more available 
is handsome Burt Reynolds, the former 
Florida football player (a talent that 
served him well in last year's popular The 
Longest Yard), whose insouciant smile 
and swaggering walk have elevated him 
to top box-office honors. Reynolds 
probably the closest thing we have today 
to Clark Gable—a man with few preten- 
sions to acting but with a ique ability 
to project his own persona. Few perform- 
ers could have survived the sheer inepti- 
tude of Peter Bogdanovich's dubious 
tribute to Cole Porter, Al Long Last Love; 
indeed, not only Cybill Shepherd's 
career fall into а prompt decline because 
of it but so did her longstanding re- 
lationship with Bogdanovich—although 
there are those who whisper that the vir- 
ile Reynolds. her co-star, had something 
to do with that. But, with his customary 
resiliency, Reynolds bounced back almost 
immediately with W. W. and the Dixie 
Dancehings, playing a gum-popping 
Nashville rake with a penchant for knock- 
ing over gas stations. It was Reynolds’ 
movie all the way, the part of the lovable 
rogue being his special forte. ‘The chances 
are, based solely on a perusal of the script, 
that he will bounce even higher with 
Hustle. In Reynolds has a plum role 
as a tough but compassionate Los Angeles 
detective shacked up with high-priced call- 
girl Catherine Deneuve. When called in 
to investigate a young girl's murder, he 
finds himself involved not only with the 
local drug rackets but with Hollywood's 
porno-movie scene as well. It’s а strong 
script, based on Steve Shagan's well- 
received novel City of Angels, and could 
send Reynolds reputation right up 
through the roof. So, for that matter, may 
Stanley Donen's Lucky Lady, їп which 
Reynolds, Gene Hackman and Liza Min- 
Ili play Prohibition-era rumrunners. 
haring much of Reynolds’ macho mys- 
tique is shaggy, beetlebrowed Charles 
Bronson, one of the “bankables” whose 
name on a contract is a gold-plated 
guaranice to the producer of unlimited 

(continued on page 272) 


ж, 


“That’s what I like about you, Wanda—you’re a hooker's hooker?” 


the loves of hero and leander 


Christopher Marlowe's unfinished "He. 
ro and Leander" а retelling of the Greek 
legend of the two lovers. is one of 
the best-known poems in English litera- 
ture. lts brilliant style and sensuous 
descriptions made it a [7th Century 
Javorite—and a ripe subject for parody. In 
1651, Dr. James Smith, an Anglican clergy- 
man who moonlighted as a росі. wrote an 
The Loves 
* in which the noble 


anonymous burlesque called 


of Hero and Leander 
lovers in Marlow were Irans- 
formed into lecherous caricatures. and 
their affair into a slapstick comedy. It is 
understandable that Dr. Smith, author 
of many hymns, archdeacon of Barnstaple, 
ranon of Exeter, precentor of Exeter 
thedval and vector of Exminster, was a lit- 
He shy about owning up to this product of 
his bawdy imagination. Copies of the book 
ave extremely rare and this is the first 
modern version published in 324 years. 


s verse 


LEANDER, being fresh and gay 
1s is the leek, or green popey, 
Upon a morn both clear and bright 
When Phocbus rose and had bedight 
Himself with all his golden rays 
And pretty birds did perch on sprays, 
When marigolds did spread their leaves 
And men began 10 bulton sleeves, 
Then young Leander, all forlom, 
As fiom the oak drops the acorn, 
So from his weary bed he slipped, 
Or like a schoolboy newly whipped, 
But with a look as blithe to see 
1s cherry ripe on top of tree, 
So forth he goes and makes no stand 
With crab-tree cudgel in his hand. 
He had not gone a mile or two 
But gravel got into his shoe. 
He set him down upon а bank 


By Dr. James Smith, 1651 


To dry his foot and rest his shank, 

And so, with finger put in shoe, 

He pulled out dirt and gravel, too. 
Fair Hero, walking with her maid, 

To do the thing cannot be sta 

Spied young Leander lying so, 

With pretty finger picking toe. 

She thought it strange to see aman 

In privy walk, and then, anon, 

She stepped behind a poplar tree 

4nd listened for some novelty. 

Leander, having cleared his throat, 

Began to sing this pleasant note: 


Oh, would 1 had my love in bed 
Though she were ne'er so fell, 

Га fright herwith my adder's head 
Until 1 made her swell. 

Oh, Hero. Hero, pity me 

With a dildo, dildo, dildo dee. 


Fair Hero 'gan to smile al this 

Leander raised 'gainst tree to piss, 

He plucked him straight his diabbler out 
And with his arms clasped tree about. 

“O thus,” quoth he, "О thus 1 coulda 
Га roger her like this rough wood. 
His blindworm Hero fair did sec, 
Its coral head against the tree, 


Which sight did make her sigh and sob 
To see how gently it did bob. 

She'd never loved him tll that hour, 
But now she'll ask him to her tower. 
She sent her maid, at running pace, 

To bid him meet her face to face 

He could not tell what to suppose, 

But put his shat into his hose 

And followed on behind the maid 
Until he came where Hero laid 

Her check on hand, her arm on stump, 
Her leg on grass, on molehill, rump. 
He, witha gentle, modest gail 
Plucking his cap fiom off his pate, 


Ribald Classic 


He thus bespake her, “Lovely pet, 

Behold, with running how 1 sweat! 

Oh, would I were that harmless stump 

Whereon thou With that, a 
hump 

Stood in the entrails of his hose. 

A warmth within her heart arose 

As Hero spied his roger good, 

Saw how courageously it stood, 

ed him for his name 

And wherefore that he hither came. 

Quoth he, "Му dwelling is Abydos. 

This is my walk Wednesdays and Fridays. 

My name is young Leander called; 

My father's rich and yet he's bald. 

Now Hero's love began to сита! 

She wished liis head beneath her girdle. 

“Fear not.” quath she, “to kiss my lip; 

Imagine me to be thy ship. 

Guide thou the rudder with thy hand 

And in my poop fear not to sland. 

Pull up my sail to thy mainmast, 

My compass use, my anchor cast. 

Come, then, my love, al fall of night, 

The time when owls and bats take flight, 

In lower window I will place 

A taper bright as сус in face, 

Which light shall be thy lodestar bright 

Through waves to guide thee in the night.” 


leanest!" 


And so she as 


And, with that word, like ivy wound 

About his neck, arms claspéd round, 

She brought him quickly to the ground— 

Upon a primrose hill most sweet; 

Their lips being joined, their tongues did 
meet, 

And now Leander gets him up 

To put the acorn in the cup. 

His cuckoopinile he did thrust 

Into her cowslip, warm with lust. 


His bachelor’s-button, warm and fine, 
Made way into her columbine. 
His hooded hawk he then did bring her, 


Which she received with ladyfinger. 
His sprig of thyme, her branch of rue, 
His primrose and her violet blue. 

At length, alas, the garden faded, 

Its roses blown, its lovers jaded 

ind Hero said, “It is the hour 

When 1 must go to seck my lower.” 
“Then farewell, love,” Leander said, 


And shaight she whistled for her maid 
Fair Hero, having passed the 'Spont, 

She now was come unio the cont- 

inent of Sestos, where she dwelt, 

Her heart wilh passions still to melt. 

Into the tower close she took 

And with her finger did unhook 

The casement loo 


king on the stream, 

Seeing the starlight on it gleam 

For now brave Titan banished was, 

Now long-legged spiders cre 

Now mightingales do sil and sing, 

With prick "guinst breast; and fairies ring. 

About this time, fair Hero stood 

And gazed upon the heaving flood. 
Leander, on the other side, 

Prepared to launch into this tide. 

Calling her name, with speedy motion, 

He leaps into the foaming ocean. 

The enamored fishes round him flock, 

Some nudge his armpits, some his nock. 

Love's bencon now shone through the 
nighi— 

In Hero's tower he spied a light. 

And by this light she could discern 

Leander's head but not his stern. 

Leander now turns on his back; 

He yerks out legs and leaves arms slack. 


So then above the water floated 

His truc-love's lump, which Hero noted, 
(Fair Hero had a goodly sight 

That could discern so far by night.) 

She saw him troubled by a shad 

Who did pursue her lovely lad, 

And said, " Thou art a scabby fish 


To nibble at fair Hero's dish!" 

Now Neptune, waking from his sleep, 

Arose in anger from the deep 

To see what swimmer proud or vain 

Dared to invade liis own domain. 

He plucked Leander upside down 

And viewed his parts from heel to crown, 

His cheeks, his chin, his lips he kissed; 

And not a single part he missed 

Quoth Neptune then, “My buxom boy, 

Nay, of my courting seem not coy. 

Bide here, live here, my lovely lad. 

TH give thee cod or dace or shad. 

Тат as gical a god as Mammon; 

shalt ling, Poor John or 
salmon 

To show thee Lam no curmudgeon, 

lobster, whiting, gudgeon. 

since thy limbs have lost their force 

Here is a dolphin Jor thy horse." 

Mounting at once, Leander fled; 

Toward Hero's tower he quickly sped. 

“Neptune,” he cried, “if thou beest wroth, 

Pray, save thy breath to cool thy broth. 

Al that, the god, with ircful hand, 

Cast up Leander on the sand. 

Thus to the tower at last he came, 
Bruised on his arse and slightly lame. 
The door was ope; he in did tread. 
Divinest Hero was in bed. 

One hand he put upon her toe, 

The other on her buggle-bo. 

And thus at once when she was wakéd, 
They each beheld the other naked— 
A glimmering luper by her bed 
Revealed Leander was not dead 

And by that light she could him know, 


Thou have 


An image pale as cold rye dough. 

The well-hung youth then said this word: 
“And now, at last, I'll sheathe my sword. 
I've swum to thee through thick and thin; 
Open, my dear, and let me in." 

And so around his back she got 


ILLUSTRATIONS EY BRAD HOLLAND 


Her legs tied in a true-love's knot. 

Bul now, too soon, comes break of day, 
When matin calls the friars to pray, 
When carriers put on shoes and hose 
And maids lay ош their masters’ clothes, 
When poets rise to write and plot 
And drunkards leave their cloaks for shot, 
When larks now sing with joyful heart: 
"Tis time for lovers to depart 
Leander rose with such a thump 
He made the very floor boards jump; 
Hero's father, in his room, 
Thought he'd heard the crack of doom, 
And, bolting upright in a таве, 
Reached for his sword, called for his page. 
Hearing that voice, with much amazement, 
Leander crept out through the casement. 
His calla-when-pen-cough, indeed 
Was much endangered by his speed— 
The window hook now caught it fast 
And held him there, till, all aghast, 
Fair Hero rose and went unto him 


And with hey finger did undo him. 

So it was he left her pillows 

And fell among the raging billows. 
Neptune, still smarting from his stab, 
Turned young Leander toa crab, 

And made the proverb surely so 

That love must creep where't cannot go, 
Condemning him for all his days 

To crawl the occan's floor sideways. 

But what of Hero? When she hears 
The news, she pours forth all he 
Her floodgates open, all around her 
The water rises, soon to drown her. 


tears. 


Epitaph 

And so they perished, whilst love and fale 
contended, 

Pure flesh they 
they ended. 


e, bul like poor fish 


—New version by Clement Bell ED үз 


SECOND RAPE OF THE WEST 


and L for 
once again; nothing could do our South- 


From 7200 feet at the pass. the high- 
way descends into the rangelands, bear- 
ht toward the valley of the 
do and the P 
‘To the north, 


PLAYBOY 


nted Desert, 
see the forested 


which the big Colorado h 
Grand Canyon. 


To the northeast. stand 
the red walls of the Echo Cliffs. the blue 
nd sacred dome of Navaho Mountain, 


ponies lounge 
ing for sometl 
dog buns, tumbleweed. 
less biodegradable. Out among the slabs 
of sunburned 
› kids herdi 


nything more or 


among the 


The People. 
why not? They've been th 


they call themselves, And 


ed to keep 
id а pickup truck, on 
MI seems to be in 
Not quite. Somethi 
the Southwest, 
power from—in cffect— 
another world. You first notice the 
h the village of 


another running, 


licn and strange 


Canyon. They look 
in this pastoral sc 


an monsters 
skeleton towers of 
90 to 120 fect tall, posted 
1 military file hom 
эт the crossa 


horizon to horizon- 
of the towers hang chains of insulators, 
ing powerl 
electricity, u 
Canyon Dam 


smitting power fom Glen 
d the new coal-fired gen- 


а. From the silence 
of the desert to the clamor of 
Gulch, the fool's tre 
is transported 
соп of another. 
ergy for growth, And wl 

Я y cancer cell. 


ure of one геш 


The power lines 


worlds Deep 


led Blick Mesa. 
chief. current 
а. a huge strip 
dragline exc 


ators 300 fect h 


what the Peabody Goal Company 
Blasters shitter 


coal into trucks. big 
your house. trucks that look like Stego- 
sauruses on wheels. They 
processing plants n 


iby, from wl 
pped by pipeline in shu 
power plant in 


(continued from page 138) 


veyor belt and rail to the plant at Page. 

Suip mining destroys the rangeland on 
which the Indians once grazed their 
sheep and horses. and i 
ound water supplies tha 
r few springs and wells. Strip-mir 
land has yet to be re 
› arid West. 
the point of view of the 


imed successfully 
Bur 


from 


5s. strip mi 
is cheap and profitable. A mine produ 
1,000,000 tons of coal а ye: requi 
only 25 workers. The 
pensive, but machines never compla 
never go on strike, never make demands 
for safety standards, medical 
тей 


rement pensions. As for the displaced 


Indians and the unes 

n Appalachia? Let them go on welfare; 
let them eat food stamps. Society at largi 
Will pay those coss. And so the strip 
mining goes on at an ever-growing. pace 
and now consumes about 4630 acres ol 


American farm, forest and rangeland cach 
week. Every week of the year. An area 
the size of Соп 
miles. has alr 


coal alone. Can 


been stripmi 
his land. be reclaimed? 
According to the 1973 report from the 
National Academy of Sci 
Wester reas, complete restos 
i possible.” Even simple 
the West, “will require 


centuries, 

In the case of the Black Mesa mine, 
what do the Indians get out of it? The 
Navaho oil 
royalty of per 
Navaho. The Indians also get 300 jobs pary- 
ing an average of S10.000 per усаг. The 
royalty and the jobs are good for about 
35 years, the estimated life of mine and 


powerplant operation. Then what? No 
the 


one 
Appalachia provides a pret 
Poverty. a blighted 1 
tion to the welfare slums: 
the fate of Appalachi 
moved into their h 
awhile, the Indians and everyone 
else living 100 miles downwind of the 
present and projected power plants (Kai 
ратом», Escalante, Caineville—aáll in 
south-central Utah) will receive a 
bonus ted. steady treatment 
of fly ash. sulphur dioxide and nitrogen 
oxide. Even if such ai 
devices as electrostatic. precipitators, wet 
scrubbers and baghouse filters, ope 
constantly at maximum theoretica 
ciency. capture 99.5 percent of these pol- 
luis ас the plant smokestacks, the 
plants will still pump into the р 
(wl ll we 
poses) wastes on the order of 50,000 tons 
of particulates, 750.000 tons of 50. and 
600.000 tons of NOx per annum. These 
€ magnitudes greater than those that 
now profane the Los Angeles Basin. 


fate of 
ood hint. 
ad. forced mi 
That has been 
ny since King Coal 
ind. 


knows for sure, but 


cone 


hich is 


ot already 
т with these forms of aerial 
1 lew words of explanation: Fly 
ash is fine black soot, the stuff that coats 
window sills 


For those rare [ew who тау 
be fam 


id car tops and other hor 
zontal surfaces in most industrial cities 
of the Westem world: sulphur dioxide 
is a gaseous poison harmful to all v 

ties of plant and animal lif nduding 
the human—it reacts with moisture 
mosphere to form sulphuric acid 
back to h mixed with 
rain ¢, often g great damage 
to crops: nitrogen oxide is a noxious g 
that combines with ozone and carbon in 
the to form the cyesmarüng, su 
haze known as smog. 


the 


1 comes 


or snoi 


trace elements of 
е known to cause oi 
ry ailments as asthi 
emphyse il may be and probably 
are carcinogenic 

Only we dumb locals may suffer phy 
cay from the power plants: but all 
Americans who enjoy—actually or poren- 
ly—the Grand Canyon. Lake Powell, 
Monument Valley. Shiprock, Canyon de 
Chelly. Zion. Bryee Сапуоп, Capi 
Reef. Arches and Canyonlands nati 
parks will be lorced to 


cludin 
mercury. 
such respi 


up only a 


dred сы the accompanying 
power 1 ways, truck. roads, dams, 


sites and 
house towns will cover only a few 
hundred more squ: es; but the filth 
spewed out by the power plants will smog 
the air for hundreds of miles in all direc- 
tons. reducing visibility from the cus 
tomary 50 miles to an age of 
something. That's what you have 
to look (отм 
come West to enjoy what 
your property. 

Try to keep cool, calm а 
I tell myself, driving the fam 
up from. Elagstall 
towns of Cameron, Tuba City, 
Springs and Kayenta. Don't get over 
agitated, Abbey, and пу to keep a steady 
bead on the ceramic insulators that carry 
the lines that conduct the 50.000 volts 
of blue juice above the tracks of the 
Black Mesa & Lake Powell Railroad, 
is bad for the aim, hard on the 
d makes for a nervous trigger 
finger. Rage is self-defeating, say all the 
wisest philosophers (all of whom are 


throw 


Cow 


So much for ulcerdom. We have barely 
begun to discuss the difficulties that will 
follow mining and coal fired power plants 
in the American Southwest, if the ambi- 
tious plans of the Federal. Government 
and d combines are carried. 10 
completion. We have said little, for exam 
ple. of the impact on water supplies in 
an arid land, Every river in the Southwest 

(continued on page 230) 


power 


THE 1976 PLAYBOY MUSIC POLL 


cast your ballot for your jazz, rhythm-and-blues, pop/rock and country-and-western favorites 


aciers inch for- — which, we've abo combined some groupings that were 
And our апп separate, The various reed 

ues to evolve, It 1 back in I Woodwinds category, while the pia 
77 Poll and became the Playboy Jazz organ and synthesizer people have become 
» Poll 11 years later. Predictably, there was some — boards—this due, of course, to the ever-increasing 
carping from both sides. OK. With a wave of our magic number of musicians who are doubling up. Also, in 
1 wand, the Playboy Jaze & Pop Poll now — the fields where groups are important—which means 
weve done is three of the four, Counuy- the 
v—Pop/ Rock, ve combined vocal 

in and Jazz— groups and sell.contained. gr 
types of music selling the ах both sing and play) of what 
most records and commanding the most attention plified Group category. All in all. 
today. Т ons have differing sets ing more people chance to Playboy 
of subcategories. since we're polling for different our new format is a better reflection of 
thingy in each case. For instance, pickers are germane what's happe vow we hope that youll h 

to Country-and Western, wher players and send in your ballot; for the winners—and, most 
аге not but are pretty important in Jazz. Speaking of likely, some more surprises—check our April issue. 


MBLE. Deserts and 
ppear under the se 


MOUNTAINS © 
ward. Islands di: 
music poll cont 
as the Playboy 


previousl 


heen put ir 


Й u- 
the ones 


that correspond to the fo 


196 


POP/ROCK 
Male Vocalist 

1. Gregg Allman 

. Paul Anka 

3. Captain Beefheart 

4. David Bowic 

. Jackson Browne 

i. ale 

. David ly 

. Harry Chapi 

9. ron Thomas 

. Joc Cocker 


. Bob Dylan 
15. Jerry Garcia 
16. George H 
17. Mick Jagger 
18. Dr. John. 

Elton John 

тај Mahal 
Paul McCartney 
Morrison 
ham Nash 
dy Newman. 


rrison 


Elvis Presle 
John Prine 
Lou Reed 

Little Richard 


Bruce Spri 
. Cat Stevens 


|. James Taylor 
41. Frankie Valli 


43, Stevie Winwood 
Peter Wolf 


dge 


В. Rita Coolidge 
9. Kiki Dee 
|. Carole King 


Grace Slick. 


3. Barbra Streisand 
ylvia 


Guitar 

Jan Akkerman 

Jell Beck 

Joe Beck 

Chuck Berry 

Richard Betis 

j. Elvin Bishop 
Ritchie Blackmore 

Mike Bloomfield 

Roy Buchanan 


za 


10. 
- Evie Clapton 
Ry Cooder 
Steve Cropper 
H. Jese "Ed? Davis 
15. Rick Derringer 
16. Cornell Dupree 


17. José Feliciano 


Steve Goodman 
Buddy 
corge Harrison 


Albert King 
B. В. King 

|. Freddie King 
~ Suecky Pete KI 
32. Alvin Lee 


now 


Robbie Robertson 
. Mick Ronson 


Cat Stevens 
^M. Stephen Stills 
Mick T 
Peter Tos 
. Robin Trower 
48. David T. W 
49. Joc Walsh 
50. Johnny Winter 
Ron Wood 

5 


ayler 


hend 


er 


nk Zappa 


Keyboards 

1. Gregg Allman 

Rod Argent 

Brian Auger 

Booker T. 

Jackson Browne 

Yom Coster 

s Domino 

8. Keith Emerson 
Isaac Hayes 

. Nicky Hopkins. 

ath Hudson 


. AL Kooper 
Robert Lamm 


16, Barry Manilow 16. Joseph Modeliste 
17. Ray Manzarek - Keith Moos 
. Dave Mason 


20. Bernard Purdie 
21. Chuck Ruf 
ny Serapl 
23. Ringo Starr 
4. Butch Trucks 
arlie Watts 
96. Stevie Wonder 


27. Richard Tec 
28. Allen Toussaint Bass 


man 1. Jack Bruce 
ter 2. Jack Casady 


. Edgar Wi 
s г Cetera 


vie Wi 


5. Donald 
6. John 


7. Wilton Felder 
Drums 


is Voormann 
ic Wi 
Bill Wyman 


. Buddy M 
. Mitch Mi 


AIST YOUR CHOICES IN THE 1976 PLAYBOY MUSIC FOLL ON THE FOLDOUT BALLOT THAT FOLLOWS. 


30. 


. Malo 

. Manhatta 
i. Paul McCartney & M 
. Moody Blues 

The Mothers 


. Sky Ring 

Souther, Hillman, Furay 

Steely Dan 

. 10 cc. 

‘Three Dog Night 

Toner of Pow 

. Jethro Tull 
"The Who 

. Yes 

55. 2.2. 


гор 
RHYTHM-AND-BLUES 
Male Vocalist 
. Bobby Bland 


1 
2. James Brown 

3. Solomon Burke 
4 


Jerry Butler 
Ray Charles 


6. Marvin Gaye 
Т. Al Green 
8. Donny Hathaway 


. Stevie Wonder 


Neil Young aac Hayes. 
Zappa Syl Johnson 
. Eddie Kendricks 
NER — Group В.В. King 


3. Curtis Mayfield 
. George McCrae 
. Johnny Nash. 
6. Billy Paul 

. Wilson «Ке 


Асе 
Iman Brothers Band 


Turner Overdrive 


1. son mpany 
2 Jackson Browne The Rand . Smokey Robinson 
5 7. Barrabas 19. Joe 

4 8. Beach Boys 20. Edwin Starr 

5. y Stone. 

5. Johnnie Taylor 


7. George Harrison. 
r-Keith Richard 


. Barry White 
- Bill Withers 


. Blue Oyster Cult 


Taupin . Carpenters . Bobby Womack 
. Chicago 26. Stevie Wonder 
11. Robert n Alice Cooper 
2. John 5. Disco Тех & the Female Vocalist 
. Paul McC: Doobie Brothers А 
14. Joni Mitchell s 
son, Lake & Palmer 
. Margie Joseph 
|. Lou Reed . Grand Funk Railroad Lele 
. Leon Russell ‚ Grateful Dead EEN AN 
Is & Crofts = Me 
Paul Simon 9. Melba Moore 
Cat Stevens Reynolds 10. Ann Peebles 
jephen Stills 27. Dr. Hook & the Med 11. Esther Phillips 
ics Taylor Show 12. Martha Reeves 
Peter Townshend 28. Hot Tuna 13. Minnie Riperton 
Stevie Winwood i M. Diana Ross 


LIST YOUR CHOICES IN THE 1976 PLAYBOY MUSIC POLL ON THE FOLDOUT BALLOT THAT FOLLOWS 


Valerie Simpson 


19. Dionne W. 
20. Betty Wright 


Composer 
icholas Ashford-Valerie 
Simpson. 

. Thom Bell 

John 
James Bro 
Bobby Eli 
Kenny Gamble-Lcon Huff 


y Bristol 


muon жы 


Isaac Hayes 
. Willie Hutch 
10. Curtis Mayfield 
. Eu ic McE 
. Smokey Robinson 
Allen Toussaint 
Leon Ware 

- Barry White 

К Whitheld 
. Frank Wilson 

- Bill Withers 

. Bobby Womack 

ic Wonder 


nich 


Group 
1. Average White Band 
. Ron Banks & the Dramatics 
. Blackbyrds 
. Black Heat 
. Blue Magic 
ó. Jimmy Castor Bunch 


- Kool е 

17. Labelle 

18, Love Unlimited Orchestra 

пий 

. Bob Marley & the Wailers 

McCoy & the Soul 

Symphony 

okl Melvin & the 
Rluenotes 

. Meters 

. M.ES.B. 


'arliament. 
. Pointer 
. Rufus 
Sly & the Family Stone 


38. Undisputed ‘Truth 


197 


198 


39. Jr. Walker & the АЙ Stars 


COUNTRY-AMD-WESTERN 
Male Vocalist 
Bobby Bare 
2. Jimmy Buffett 
3. Henson Cargill 
1 


Johnny Cash 
5. Roy Clark 
6. John Denver 
7. Хаме Fel 
8. Freddie F 
Don Gibson 
Mickey Gilley 
‚ Merle Haggard 
Sonny James 
Waylon Jem 
. George Jones 
Kris Kristofferson 
. Jerry Lee Lewis 
. Gordon Lij 


der 


. Ronnie Milsap 
Willie Nelsoi 
k Owens. 
. Johnny Paycheck 
Charley Pride 
Jerry Reed. 

Del Ri 
Charlie Rich 
Marty Robbins. 

y Rodriguez 
now 

Joc Stampley 

Ray Stevens 

ik Thompsou 
33. Mel Till 
34. Conway Twitty 

. Porter Wagoner 
Hank Williams, Jr. 
. Faron Young 


ves 


Female Vocalist 
i Benton 
лу Collins 


Brenda Lee 
7. Loretta Lym 

В. Barbara Mandrell 
9. Jody Miller 
10. Melba Mo 


. Bonuie Ow 
. Dolly Parton 
Sandy Posey 


1. Chet Atkins 
David Bromberg 


LIST YOUR CHOICES IN THE 1976 PLAYBOY MUSIC POLL ON THE FOLDOUT BALLOT THAT FOLLOWS 


3. Glen Campbell 
4. Roy Clark 


В. Pete Drake 
9. Lester Flatt 
10. Johnny Gimble 
11. Josh 
12. Lloyd Green 


13. John Hartford 
14. Sonny James 
Charlie McCoy 
16. Josh Mills 
17. Weldon Myr 
18. Roy Nichols 
19. Jerry Reed 
20. Earl Scruggs 
?]. Reggie Young 


k 


Composer 
1. Hoyt Axton 
2. Jimmy Buffett 
3. Mac Davis 
4. Merle Haggard 
5. Tom T 
6. Linda I 
7. John Hartford 
8. Waylon Jennings 
9. Kris Kristofferson 
10. Roger Miller 
11. Michael Murphey 
12. Willie Nelson 
13. A. L “Doodle 
14. Johnny Rodrig 
15, Billy Sherrill 
16. Shel Silvers 


2877 
Male Vocalist 
Mose Allison 
Tony Bennett 
. Brook Benton 
Andy Bey 
Bobby Bland 
. Ray Charles 
ammy Davis Jr 
8. Billy Eckstine 
9. Johnny Harman 
10. Jon Heudr 
11. Johnny Mathis 
12. Lou Rawls 
13. Gil Scott-Heron 


3. 
4 


ме 


homas 
18. Mel Tormé 

19. Joc Willi 
20. Jimmy Witherspoon 


Female Vocalist 


1. Pearl Bailey 
Shirley E 
3. еерее Br 


June CI 
Ella Fitzgerald. 
Roberta Flack 
Lena Horne 

өш 


Eartha Kitt 
Cleo Laine 
Peggy Lee 
Abbey Lincoln 
Miriam Makeba 
Barbara McNair 
Carmen McRac. 
17. Liza Minnelli 
18. Melba Моо 


er Phillips 
Flora Purim 

Della Ri 
Esther Sauerficld 
Marlena Shaw 

Ni 
Phoebe Snow 


Simone 


isand 
28. Maxine Sullivan 
29. Sarah Vaughan 
30. Nancy Wilson 


Brass 
1. Nat Adderley 
2. Herb Alpert 


Harold Betters 
i. Ruby Bratt 
7. Oscar Brash 
8. Randy Brecker 
9. Garnett Brow 

10. Donald Byrd 

11. Don Cherry 

12. Jimmy Cleveland 
13. Miles Davis 

H. Vic Dickenson 
15. Jon Fade 
16. Art Farmer 


Slide Hampto 
Bill Hardman 
Wayne Henderson 
Freddie Hubbard 
28. Quentin Jackson. 
29. J. J- Johnson 
Thad Jones 
Chuck Ma 
Blue Mitchell 

my Owens 
Priester 
Robinson 
36. Frank Rosoli 
37. Doc Severinsen 
38. Woody Shaw 
39. Clark Terry 

10. Charles Tolliver 
41. ill Watrous 


5. M Belletto 
6. Anthony Braxton 


7. Mike Brecker 
Butera 


y Carter 


Castillo 


Ornette Coleman 
Buddy Collette 
Bob Cooper 


Eddie “Lockjaw” Davis 
Buddy De F o 

Paul Desmond 

Lou Do 
Joe Farrell 
Jimmy Forrest 
Sonny Fortune 


. Jimmy Hamilton 
Eddie Harris 
Joe Henderson 
Woody Herma 
37. Bobbi Hi 
Rob Kenyatta 
Rahsaan Roland Kirk 
. John Klemmer 

Eric Kloss 

12. Steve Kupka 

Yosef Lateef 

Hubert Laws 

. Walt Levinsky 

Fred Lipsius 

Charles Lloyd 


phrey 


Oliver Nelson. 
David Хекти 


Art Pepper 
Ray Pizzi 
Russell Procope 
. Je Richardson 
6t. Sam Rivers 

. Sonny Roll 


Sonny Stitt 
Buddy Ta 
ley Turic 
76. Junior Walker 
77. Grover Washington, 
rie Watts 


70. Bob Wilber 
н! 


1. Dollar В, 
L Rommel Bright 
5. Dave Brubeck 


6, Ray Bryant 
j Jaki Ryan 

8. Alice Colte 

ө Chick Core 
10. ley Cowell 
n" 

[ 

[E 


Не Hancock 
1 Ha 
y Harris 


n Hawes 
ааһа” Hines 
Dick Hy 
Weldon Irvine 
Ahmad Jamal 
Keith Jarrett 

Hank Jones 
Roger Kellar 
. Milcho Leviev 


Ramsey Lewis. 
. Les McC; 
Brother Jack McDuff 


Jimmy Smiti 

з. Lonnie Lis 

. Billy Taylor 

17. Cecil Taylor 

48. McCoy ‘Tyner 

49. Mary Lou Williams 

50. Larry Young 
(Khalid Y; 

31. Joc Zawinul 


in) 


Vibes 
Roy Ayers 
Gary Burton 
3. Victor F 
1. Terry Gibbs 


J 
8. Mike Mainieri 
9. Buddy Monty 
10. Red Noro: 

11. Emit Richa 
12. Cal Tjader 


13, Keith Underwood 
14. Tommy Vig 


Guitar 
1. John Abercrombie 
Arthur Adams 
lek Bacsik. 


George Benson 
Dennis Budi 


cs ге! 
8. Charlie Byrd 
4. Larry Coryell 


10. ALDiMeols 


13. Eric Gale 
M. Grant Gre 
15. Jim Hall 
16. Barney Kessel 
17. Reggie Lucis 
18. P 


10. John McLaughlin 
90. Топу Mottola 
2. Joe Pass 

ээ. Bucky Pizzarelli 


. Melvin Sp: 
Gabor Srabo 
. Philip Upchurch 


Bass 
1. Dud Bascomb, Jr- 
2. Keter Betts 
3. Walter Booker 
1 


Ray Brown 
5. Mike Bruce 
6. Joe Byrd 

7. Ron Carter 


10. Ап Davis 
Richard Davis 


Cleveland Eaton 
Jim Fielder 
Larry Gales 
Jimmy 


ldic Сопи 


. Charlie Haden 
Bob Haggart 

. Perey Heath 

- Michael Henderson 
. Mili Hii 
Dave Holland 
‚ Carol Kaye 
Cecil McBee 
27. Charles Mi 
. Monk Monty 
. Jamil Nasser 
Carl Radle 
Rufus Reid 
Larry Ridley 
mes Row 


. Miroslav Vitous 
El Dee Young 


Percussion 


3. Willie Bobo 


4. Roy Brooks 
5. Jimmy Cobb 


nors 


8. Alan Dawson 

Jack De Johnette 

Bobby Durham 

Vernel Fournier 

. John Gueri 

. Lonis Hayes 

. Roy Hayn 

. Red Holt 

Hooper 

. Morris Jen 

. Elvin Jones 

Jo Jones 

Philly Joe Jones 

Mel Levis 

. Harvey Mason 
Roy McCurdy 

. Airto Moreira 

. Joe Morello 

Alphonse Mouzon 

27. Mtume 

28. Idris Muhammad 

Buddy Rich 

. Max Roach 

Mickey Roker 


33. Bill Sun 
3. Grady Tate 

35. Marshall Thompson 
36. Lenny White 

37. Tony Williams 


Composer 
1. Mose Allise 


4. Dave Brubecl 
ley Clarke 
6. Ornette Coleman 
- Chick Corea 

& Miles Davis 

9. Eumir Deodato 
10. Gil Evans 

1. Wı 


. Freddie Hubbard 
15. Ahmad Jamat 

16. Bob James 

17. Keith Jarrett 

18. Antonio Carlos Jobim 
19. Qu 


21. Michel Legrand 
harles Mingus 


Thelonious Monk 
24, Gil Scott- Heros 
Jackson 
Wayne Shorter 
Horace 
charles Stepney 

Joe Zawinul 


Group 
1. Art Ensemble of Chicago 
2. Roy Ayers Ubiquity 
5. Gato Barbi 
4. Count В: 
5. Al Belleuo 


LIST YOUR CHOICES IN THE 1976 PLAYBOY MUSIC POLL ON THE FOLDOUT BALLOT THAT FOLLOWS 


6. Louis Bellson 
7, Art Blakey 


9. Dave Bi 
y Burrell 


1. Ornette Colema 
ту Coryell & the 
Eleventh House 

rusader 

. Miles Davi 

L Deodato 

. Mercer Elli 

. Dou Ellis 

. Bill Evans 

sil Evans 

xard Ferguson 

. Stau Getz 

. Dizzy Gillespie 

. Lionel Hampton 

27. Herbie Hancock 

28. Eddie Harris 

29. Hampton Наме 

30, Woody He 

. Earl Hines 

Groove Holmes 

Freddie Hubb: 

Bobby Hutch 

Abmad Jamal 

. Elvin Jones 

Quincy Jones 

. Thad Jones-Mel Lewis 

Stan Kenton 

. Rahsaan Roland 
the Vibration Society 

Yusef Lateef 

Ramsey Lewis 

les Lloyd 

uck M 

Les McC 

McLaughlin 

ndes & Br 


gton 


son 


Thelonious Monk 
Airto Moreira 

New York Jazz Quartet 
Oregon 

Oscar Peterson 


5 ddy Rich 
57. Max Roach 


h 
ic Liston Smith & 


Michal Urh: 
GY. Weather Report 


Gerald Wilson 
2. Paul Winter 
World's Greatest Jazzband 
Young-Holt Unlimited 


aWIN MAIN 01 әлә pourad oq nw ssa4ppe риз our 


d1 zzvf asat 


JV nog 


WON V-ARLENTIOO лян Bor эрй “хыр 


THE 
1976 
PLAYBOY 


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HVA JHL 30 SQ30238 S,AOSAV'Id 3WV3 30 TIVH AOSAVId 


MUSIC 
POLL 
BALLOT 


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choose. 

POP/ROCK 
RHYTHM-AND-BLUES 
COUNTRY-AND-WESTERN 


INIT їнї омоту Ind oma ————————— ----------- 


your Playboy Music Poll ballot. Which may be a little 
presumptuou уои" 
money on the m 
with the ballot. If 


ther not know 


e spent your hard-earned 
gazine, you can do whatever you like 


something really kinky, we'd 
out it. But if you use it in the way 
we intended, you should find it more self-explanatory 
than ever before. For one thing, there is no category 
which you're asked to make more than one selec- 
tion; one choice in each will be plenty. "That's because 
ft be v ng the winners as members of а 
hypoth tar Band (in recent years, we've been 
preity damn lucky it was hypothetical). Also, when it 
comes to voting for groups, you don't have to stop and 
consider whether a given outfit has enough pieces to 
be a big band or few enough to be a combo; groups 
© groups, no matter what size they are or what they 
tually do at showtime. Whether they sing, play or 
cut one another into little pieces, they're still groups. 
ome other changes that should make the ballot 
casicr to deal with are the elimination of the Other 
Inst (s category—it's hard to select a top banana 
from a basket filled with apples, oranges, grapes and 
coconuts—and the combination of instrumental cate- 
gories, so that you no longer need to pick the best 
of 25 or 30 baritonesix players, 19 or 20 of whom 

а probably never heard of. All you have to do is go 
through the ballot and make a choice in each category. 

As in past years, of course, you're not bound by 
the names that are listed. They're mostly there to re- 
mind you of who's around—and, as we say in our 
annual disclaimer, we can't list everybody, no matter 
what we do, So if you want to vote for someone who 
isn't listed. be our guest. Just write his or her name 
in the space provided. 


Now, if you do vote for someone we've listed, please 
don’t write in the person's name, because that might 
short-circuit our computers and send them into spasms 
of electronic angst. Just write in the number that pre- 
cedes the name. On the other hand, when you get to 
the bottom of the ballot, where we ask for your ow! 
ame, a number will not do, no matter if you got it 
om Selective Service, Harvard Medical School, Fort 
Leavenworth or your local musicians’ union. We need 
your name and we need your address (otherwise, we 
won't be able to count your ballot and you'll have 
wasted all this time). 

In voting for the records of the year, you'll note 
that the categories have also been changed to corre- 
spond to the four basic divisions of the poll. This, 
too, should be easier than it was in the past, since you 
no longer have to separate instrumental from vocal 
LPs or Big Band from Small.Combo LPs; you need 
only think of the best Jazz record you've heard late- 
ly, the best Countryand Western record, the best 
Rhythmind Blues record (it's an oldie, but we like 
that phrase, rhythmand-blues) and the best Pop/ 
Rock entry, be rd rock, soft rock or just kind 
of squishy. In voting for the Hall of Fame, you may 
pick any musician, living or dead, except for those 
already enshrined (they're listed on the ballot). 

Well, enough of this small talk. You've got your 
ndate and, presumably, you've been able to figure 
out these instructions, So take a deep breath, then 
plunge ahead and make your choices, Mail your com- 
pleted ballot to Playboy Music Poll, Playboy Building, 
919 N. Michigan Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 60611. 
Ballots must be postmarked no later than Decem 
ber 15, 1975. But don't take a chance on miss 
ing that deadline; make out your ballot today. 


ILLUSTRATIONS BY CHARLES MOLL 


mas CUT ALONG THIS LINE 


“Гое been transferred to Southwood, Mrs. Lipton. So this is Melvin— 
he'll be screwing you as of next Monday.” 


WELCOMI 
WINTER 


some smart foul-weather friends 
to help you fend off the ice age 


So the world's growing colder. You're ready for 

it in o brushed-cotton coat with raglan sleeves, / 
ongled side pockets, button-through back yoke ond 7 

imitotion-leopord acrylic lining; ond a matching ^ 1 

self-belted jump suit with six-button placket front 
ond slightly Rored legs, plus a brimmed cap, oll 
by John Karl for Flo Toronto, about $250. Add 

ıa Van Q Qiana knit shirt with long-pointed collar and 


barrel cuffs, by Von Heusen, $17, and hand- Р 

stained cowhide boots with stovepipe tops, double 

leuther outersoles, stocked leather heels and ү 

round frontier toes—Dingo Brigodes from Acme, j 

about $45— and then let those glaciers come. j PHOTOGRAPHY BY POMPEO POSAR 


Pl 


THE R 
SHEPHERD 
after the plane’s radio died and. 

the blinding fog moved in, there 
was no doubt that this christmas 
eve was going to be my last 


fiction By FREDERICK 


Waiting for the control tower to clear 


€ for take-off, І glanced out through the 
Perspex cockpit canopy at the surrounding German countryside. It lay white and 
crisp beneath the crackling Deceml ооп. = 
Behind me lay the boundary fence of ће Royal Air Force base, and beyond the 
fence, as 1 had seen while swinging my little fighter into line with the take-off run- 
way, the slicet of snow covering the flat farmland stretched away to the line of the 
pine wees, two miles distant in the night yet so clear 1 could almost sce the shapes 


ILLUSTRATION BY IGNACIO GOMEZ COPYRIGHT © 1075 BY FREDERICK FORSYTH. 


FORSYTH FOR A BRIEF MOMENT, while — | 


PLAYBOY 


of the trees themselves, 

Ahead of me as I waited for the voice 
of the controller to come through the 
headphones was the runway itself. a slick. 
black ribbon of таппас, flanked by twin 
rows of bright-burning lights, illuminating 
the solid path cur earlier by the snow- 
plows. Behind the lights were the humped 
banks of the morning's snow, frozen hard 
once again where the snowplow blades 
had pushed them. ay to my right. 
the airfield tower stood up like a single 
glowing candle amid the brilliant hangars 
where the muffled "men were even 
now closing down the station for the 
night. 

Inside the control tower, I knew, all 
warmth and merriment, the staff 
ng only for my departure to close 
down also, jump into the waiting cars and 
head back to the parties in the mess. 
Within minutes of my going, the lights 
would dic out, leaving only the huddled 
hangars, seeming hunched against the 
bitter night. the shrouded fighter planes, 
the sleeping (uel-bowser trucks and, above 
them all, the single flickering station 


brilliant red above the black-and-w 
eld. beating out in Morse code the 
name of Ше station—c-Ex-tE—to an 
unhecding sky. For tonight there would 
be no wandering aviators to look down 
and check iheir bearings; tonight was 


Christmas Eve, in the year of grace 1957, 
id 1 was a young pilot trying to get 
home to Blighty for his Christmas leave. 

J was in a hurry and my watch read 
10:15 by the dim blue glow of the control 
panel where the rows of dials quivered 
warm and snug inside 
the cockpit, the heating turned up full 
to prevent the Perspex’ icing up. It was 
like a cocoon, sma 
shielding me from the bitter cold outside, 
from the freezing ni 
man inside 
it at 600 miles an hour. 
arlie Delta. . 

The controller's voice 
my rev 
as if he were with me 
shouting in my car. He's 
cady, Strictly а 
but what the hell? It's Chr 


woke me from 
rie, sounding in my headphones 


пу cockpit, 
1a jar or two 


“Charlie Delta . . . Control," 1 re- 
sponded. 
charlie Delta, clear take-off,” he said. 


1 saw no point in responding. 1 simply 
cased the throttle forward slowly with the 
left hand, holding the Vampire steady 
down the central line with the right hand. 
Behind me, the low whine over the Gob- 
lin engine rose and rose, passing through 
d into а scream. ‘The snub-nosed 
fighter rolled, the lights each side of the 
runway passed in ever quicker succession, 
till they were flashing in a continuous 
blur. She became light, the nose rose frac- 
tionally, frecing the nose wheel from con- 
tact with the runway, and the rumble 
vanished instantly. Seconds later, the 


206 main wheels came away and their soft 


drumming also stopped. 1 held her low 
above the deck, letting the specd build 
up till a glance at the air-speed indicato 
told me we were through 120 knots and 
heading for 150. As the end of the run- 
way whizzed beneath my feet, 1 pulled 
the Vampire into a genily сіты 
10 the left, casing up the under 
lever as I did so. 

From beneath and behind me, I hı 
the dull clunk of the wheels entering th 
bays and felt the lunge forward of the 
jet as the drag of the undercarriage van- 
ished. In [ront of me, the three red lights 
representing three wheels ¢ 
themselves. 1 held her into the dimbi 
turn, pressing the radio button with the 
Jeft thumb. 

"Charlie Delta, dear airfield, wheels up 
and locked,” I said into my oxygen mask. 

“Charlie Delta, Roger, over to channel 
D," said the controller, and then, before 
1 could change radio channels, he added, 
"Happy Christmas." 

Suicly against the rules of radio pro- 
cedure, of course. | was very young then, 
us. But ] replied, 
Tower, and same to you. 
tched channels to tune. into 
* North G 'ontrol 


blue ink, but I did not need it. 1 knew 
the details by heart, worked out earlier 
with the the n 
field onto 


» 


course 965 degrees, continue climbing to 
27.000 feet. On reaching height, maintain 
course and keep speed to 185 knots. 


Check in with channel D to let them 
| their airspace, then а 
straight run over the Dutch coast south 
of Beyeland into the North Sea, After 44 
utes’ flying time, change to channel 
F and call Lakenheath Control to give 
you a "steer" Feurtcen minutes |. 
you'll be over Lakenheath. After that, fol- 
low instructions and they'll bring you 
down on a radio-controlled descent, No 
problem, all routine procedures. Sixty-six 
tes flying time, with the descent and 
landing, and the Vampire had cnough 
fuel for over 80 minutes in the air. 
Swinging over Celle airfeld at 5000 
feet, 1 straightened up and watched the 
needle on my compass settle happily 
down on a course of 265 degrees. The 
nose was pointing toward the black freez- 
ing vault of the night sky. studded with 
stars so brilliant they flickered their white 
fire against the eyeballs. Below, the black- 
andowhite map of north Ger 
growing smaller, the dark r 
pine forests blending into the white ex- 
ses of the fields. Here and there, a vil- 
all town glittered with lights. 
Down there ап it streets, the 
carol singers would be out, knocking on 
the hollystudded doors to sing Silent 
Night and collect pfennigs for cl 


1 housewives would bc 
d geese. 

«| miles ahead of me, the 
story would be ihe same. the carols in my 
own language but many of the tunes the 
вате, and it would be turkey instead of 
goose. But whether you call it Weihnach- 
ten or Christmas, it’s the same all over the 
Christian world, and it was good to be 


going home. 


enheath, E knew 1 could get 
to London in the liberty bu: 
ng just after midnight; from Londor 
1 was confident I could hitch a lift to my 
parents home in Kent, By breakfast time 
Td be celebrating with my own family. 
The altimeter read 27.000 feet. I eased the 
же forward. reduced throttle setting to 
give me an air specd of 485 knots and held 
her steady on 265 degrees. Somewhere 
h me in the gloom, the Dutch bor- 
would be slipping away. and 1 had 


been airborne for 21 minutes. No 
problem. 

The problem started ten minutes out 
н 


over the North Sea, and 
etly that it was several minutes before 1 
realized I had one at all. For some time 
I had been unaware that the low hum 
coming through my headphou to my 
їз had ceased. ro be replaced by the 
ie nothingness of total silence. I 
ng to concentrate. my 
Thoughts being of home and my waiting 
family. The first thing I knew was when 
I flicked а glance downward to check my 
course on the compass. Instead of being 
rock steady on 265 degrees, the needle wa 
lazily round the clock, passing 
east, west. south and north with 
total impartiality. 

I swore a most unseasonal sentiment 
inst the compass and the instrument 
fitter who should have checked it for 100- 
percent reliability. Compass failure a 

ight, even a brilliant moonlit night such 
as the one beyond the cockpit Perspex 
was no fun. Still, it was not too serious; 
there was a standby compass—the alcohol 
kind. But, when 1 glanced at it, that one 
scemed to be in trouble, too. The needle 
was swinging wildly. Apparently some- 
thing had jarred the case—which isn't 
uncommon. In any event, I could call up 
Lakenheath in a few minutes and they 
would give me a G.C.A—ground-cor 
trolled approachi—the  second-by-second 
instructions that a well-equipped airfield 
can give a pilot to bring him home in the 
worst of weathers, following his progress 
on ultraprecise radar screens, watching 
him descend all the way to the tarmac. trac- 
the sky yard by yard and 
second by second. 1 glanced at my watch: 
airborne. I could wy to raise 
heath now, at the outside limit of 
my radio range. 

Before trying Lakenheath, it would be 
correct procedure to inform channel D, 
to whom [ was tuned, of my little prob- 
lem, so they could advise Lakenheath that 

(continued on page 256) 


started so qu 


С 


VAY 


_ NATIONAL 
PORNOGRAPHIC 


ae , . EDEN IN AMAZONIA: 


AK Hidden Deep in the Jungle, 
`. “MAn Innocent Stone AgeTribe 


By SIR REGINALD ROSS-LEMMING 
"X 


E) 


AN 
Ev 


THE BREATH-TAKING 
CHICKENS OF INDIANA 


AKRON: AMERICA'S 
SECRET JEWEL 


GIANT GAY IGUANAS 
OF THE GALAPAGOS 


:IGLASS 


Pho 


rap 


phs by EDWARD S. ROSS 


Mysterious 
Insects Battle 
for Survival 


In these rare photographs, 
gle goes on between consenting 
of sever: ч luding Atro- 
t) and the 
Japane . The reason 
for these activities is ипсіеа! 
er kill or even 

steady. Sp s have repor 

imilar behavior in d 


but for the time being, we 
must simply observe and try to delve 
deeper, deeper, oh, God, deeper! 


Locked in mortal embrace, Persian 
ا‎ 
below righi 
n at bottom. 


HISTORIC 
EMISSION 
IN SPACE 


By MAJOR GENERAL BUZZ 
("BUZZ") BIRCH 
Photographs by BILL FRANTZ 


The first coupling in outer space 
was a fitting climax to the joint ven- 
turc undertaken by the United States 
and Red Russia. Commie space tech- 

icians successfully completed doc! 

ing maneuvers by inserting their 
vehicle into the opening of the Amer- 
ican module, although NASA officials 
had insisted that the Bolshevik ve- 
hicle be provided with a heat-resistant 
sheath (painted bright red, of course) 
—for the prevention of discase only. 
Inside the U.S. capsule, cosmonaut 
and astronaut joined in a historic 
embrace that will be remembered as 
one giant schtup for mankind. 


East meets West in the vasi, weight- 
less reaches of outer space. Soviet, co: 
monaut radios, “My bird has landed 
while pretty U.S. astronaut muses 
aloud, “I wonder why this reminds me 
of the U.S.-Soviet grain deal. 


Living in Eden: 
The Titsadav 


on an expedition to the upper 
Amazon, where we had hoped to study 
the rather inventive mating habits of the 
rare and agile black garter monkey 
came upon, instead, deep in the jung 
innocent Stone Age tribe—th aday 
My first encounter was with three of 
them (bottom). There, suddenly before 
me, basking on a sunlit bank in open 
naked splendor, was a sensuous vision that 
sent a rush of scientific curiosity coursing 
through me; my well-traveled pego 
pulsed with anthropological anticipation. 


By SIR REGINALD ROSS-LEMMING 
Photographs by BILL ARSENAULT 


аук. 


to the sun-god 


and Hotpants. Raquel, above, most intelligent of the 

the first to the advanced Western concept of 

"Atleft, Musk exhibits а ritual ax used only for 

filleting plantains. Titsaday language has no words for war, kill, 

maim, bother slightly, annoy or hydrogen bomb. Their only ag: 
gressive phrase quaintly translates as “Waste the motherfuckei 


Sir Reginald spe 
his time attemp 

the Titsaday about basic 
At lelt, he 


medical practic 
explains to Raq 
ny ic juju panties will 
protect her from the wrath of 
Dakk-Ar, evil God of the 
Underworld—but only if she 
vows that every day she will 
submit to Greek culture from 
Sir Reginald. At right, his 

sistant Sir Brace den 

the value of cleanlin 
beginning to lick Dee Dee's 
ntire body. Above, Dr. 


Weaselton shows her approval. 


After arduous months of waiting, t edition is 
treated to its actual meeting with the Titsada: 
(above). Musk playfully inspects Dr. Weaselton 
dress while Sir Reginald determines that the proper 


translation for the name Titsad. 


During the unforgettable months that 
we lived with and studied the Titsada: 
always scrupulously careful not to alter or 
damage a way of life that had existed un- 
changed since the dawn of mankind, the 
thought occurred to me again and again— 
often at night I fell asleep with om 
cheek resting against the soft down cover- 
ing the pouting lips of Raquel's exquisite 
love grotto—that beneath the skin we are 
all the same, pink on the inside, In es- 


sence, everyone in the world needs th 
very same thing, although in tye 

I have become particularly fond of be 
urinated upon by groups of adolesce 
mandrills. Our time with the Titsaday 
made a deep and satisfying impression 


upon all of us, even our usually tight- 
bummed botanist, Abigail Weaselton. The 
tribe's simple, dignified way of life should 
stand as a living metaphor of humanity 
peaceful, childlike origins, a vivid 
minder of how we first banded together 
out of common need, in a simpler бте, 
when you could still find a good blow 

for under 5. 


As the expedition prepared to leave, Dr. 
Weaselton—at right, accepting a parting gilt 
from Elvis—expressed everyone's feelings 
when shi id, “Ith ‘ned as much 
from them as they did from us." Below. a 
final gathering around the fire for a prayer 
to the sun-god, asking to be зра 


PLAYBOY 


214 guess is that he 


HOWARD HUGHES „лон page 176) 


affected him or someone in Ope 
to the extent that Hughes never went 
back into that room. | was sent back to 
the d hell of a let- 


for Operations after having been around 
Huphes. When we were with him. our 
word was golden: If we called Operations 
and ordered. some sundaes, no 
one there dared ask if 
Hughes. 

Then Glenn called and ordered me to 
report to Nosseck’s Projection Theater on 
Sunset Boulevard, in the heart of the 
Sunset Strip. One thing that he said was 
most unusual: I was to treat everything I 
saw or heard in the strictest confidenc 
entire mision was secret; even. my wife 
was to be kept in the dark. 

At first glance, it seemed that Nosseck's 
was to be just like Goldwyn. There were 
guards, Сап, Hughes and The Major, 
nd the endless screenings. The accommo- 
dations were certainly not as nice, for 
while the room at Goldwyn had a patina 
of shabby elegance that you could asso- 
ciate with the golden years of Hollywood, 
the basement interior of Noseck’s—used 
by most of the major figures in the busi 
nes at one time or another—greatly 
resembled a bat cave with projection 
equipment. 

After two movies had been run, how- 
ever, everyone left except for Hughes 
and the duce bodyguards—Norm Love, 
Lloyd Hurley and me. Hughes called us 
Mo the screening room itself and 
motioned for us to stand at ease in front 
of him. "Fellows." he said, "I'm pleased 
that you all are here. 1 asked for each 

Г you personally and 1 know you're the 
only people 1 can trust w 

of assignment" Our collective chest 
swelled about six inches 

"We will be here for quite a spell," 
hes continued. “ГИ leave it up to 
you to work out your schedule so that 
there is at least one alert, well-rested 
person here at all times." With a three- 

n detail, this sounded like a license to 
steal. "Absolutely no one is t0 know that 
you are here,” he concluded: Then he 
dismised Love and me. 
to тета 
for the project 
if not hear, what was 


€ for 


Hurley was evidently instructed to sit 


in а straight-backed ch that was a few 
feet behind Hughes's chair. For the next 
two hours, Hurley just sat there with a 
slightly puzzled look on his face while 
Hughes indulged himself in onc of his 
favorite pastimes, which I had 
at. Goldwyn—stacking 
Kleenex boxes. In the months to come, 
1 would watch many scenes like this 
one, as Hughes stacked, restacked and 
rearranged six Kleenex boxes into every 
cometric permutation possible. My best 

using the boxes as 


symbols of m 
holdings and was tying to visu: 
«Нес of corporate shufllings. 

Finally, Hughes asked Hui 
which Hurley did without ly re 
ceiving апу further . Love 
went in—and the same puzzling scene 
was repeated for another two hours. Then 
it was my tur 

I rem 


nent positions in his 
ize the 


ley to leave, 


ned in the dı 


of minutes, then carefully slid off the 
seat and walked to the rear of the scree 
ing room. I stood there, arms folded 


behind my back, looking intently at the 
ceiling. Hughes's high-pitched voice 
terrupted my reverie. "Ron, what are 
you doing there? I told you to sit in the 
chair and wait until I told you to move 

I figured th 


for flies." 
пег a pause, Hughes asked, "Have 
you secn a 
athering my nerve, ] said, "No, but 
it sure beats sitting in that damned c 


I expected a barrage, but, to my 
Hughes began to chuckle; soon he 
. When he stopped, he 
ve caught on. You сап go 
outside now." 
I had already figured that Hughes liked 
to assert himself in ways that can only 
be called mind fucking, and 1 had deter- 
mined not to play. at least not under his 
rules, He wanted to test people, to manip- 
ulate them. to see how far he could push 
them. People around that kind of money 
llow themselves to be pushed a hell of 
long way. My attitude from the begin- 
ning was independent. Perhaps a two- 
Duck-an-hour job was the big time to some 
Mormon kid from Utah, and for it hed 
stand in a corner if Hughes said to, but 
my thought was, The hell with it: I'm in 
it for the laughs, and when I stop laugh- 


ing, I stop playing. 

The next day proved the worth of 
my position. Hughes called the th 
the 


e ol 
I want 


nd said. 
you to т e your schedules so that 
Ron is here at all times. Nor 1 
your schedules so that one of 
when the other is gone." ] 
x and, factoring 
ne, figured my weekly pay had 
just zoomed to $464. That would make 
the fact that Hughes had had 
vered his favorite white-leather chair 
id ottoman, which he had proved adept 
at sleeping in while at Goldwyn. The 
anteroom at Nosseck’s held nothing as 
comlortable for Kistler, but what the hell. 
5464 was 5461, and this hand just couldn't 
be folded. 

We didn't know how long we were 
going to be there. At first, Т thought that 
it couldn't last beyond a week or so, 
based on the initial delivery of groceries 
for Hughes. It consisted of a quart of 
milk, several bottles of Poland water, two 


you 


is with almonds and a small 
ns. Five days later, ihe sa 
This had to 


Hershey | 
bag of pei 
bill of fare was delivered 


be a temporary assignment, ] thought. 
After all. who could live on а diet of 
milk, water, chocolate nuts? Well, 


Howard Hu don 
for the full three months we were there. 
eating nothing else. 

We got by, courtesy of the collec shop 


at a hotel up the strect, as well as through 
CARE packages delivered by Brimley or 


- Е don't know how Hughes 
ag burgers 
tacked in the anteroom outside 
for that matter, 1 wonder if 


Dick Homer 
reacted to the smell of мей 
being 


the studio; 
he noticed. 

Food was one thing. Hygiene was an- 
other. 


There were no shower or bath 
Nosseck h is not 
since the owner probabl 
didn't foresee his studio's being used as 
а flophouse by a multimillionaire, Hughes 


. whi 


un- 


baths." These consisted of his throwing 
cold water onto his head and letting it 
drip down over as much of his body as 
gravity and the absorbency of his skin 
. For obvious reasons, thi 
ed to wet only the upper 


of his body: the watermark w 
at about his armpits. 
Ihe result was that Hughes had 


achieved а level of body odor that was 
probably unacceptable even by the 
andards of a gymnasium. The residue 
baths had built up on his shire 
а he'd had on at our 
first meeting. which was eight months 
earlier) until there were the outlines of 
many high-water marks. 

Finally, Hughes noticed his slovenli- 
ness. He called me in one day and said, 
“Ron, my sl d trousers аге in dire 
need of а cleaning. Do you think you 


could dean them up for me? 
I took a long. 


reful look and said 


emphatically, * 


Hughes wouldn't give up. "Don't you 
of ае 


thi 
flu 


k you could get а 
land take the biggest st 


ing 


There 
is no way in this world,” 1 said, “that 
those dothes сап be cleaned. They are 
so old and dirty that they would fall 
apart the minute deaning solvent hit 
them." 
Hughes loo 


d pained. He sat for sev- 


the kind of person who would give up 
casily. "Ron," he implored, "this is my 
favorite outfit." 

хо shit. I'd never seen him we: 
i else, But 1 wasn't 
ле is no way to clean those clothes, 
1. You're just going to have to throw 
1 get something new to 


pe 
them away 
wear. 

At that, he rose and began to unbution 
his shirt, He shrugged his shoulders and 
the shirt fell to the floor. Then he un- 
buckled his belt, unzipped his pants and 


“My, don't we look Christmasy.” 


PLAYBOY 


216 state of some 


let them slide to his ankles. His white-on- 
white body, unencumbered by any under- 
wear, was а sight to behold. He hadn't 
had a shave or a haircut for God knows 
how many months. His beard now hung 
six inches down on his chest. His hai 
was almost to his shoulders. He stepped 
out of his pants, bent down and picked 
them up. along with the shirt, and 
handed the bundle to me. I swear that 
there were tears in his eyes. 

I took the clothes into the lobby and 
deposited them in a large waste can. 
End of an еа. The next day, a driver 
delivered what looked to be a shirt box 
from adry. A few minutes after that, 
Hughes had his first dean shire of the 
year. Even though it was four or five sizes 
too large, and even though there still were 
no trousers and he wore the same old 
was an im- 
Howard 
Hughes was ‘Gate for the Easter parade. 


ers 


One day І received my first indica- 
tion that I might be something more 
to Hughes than a quasi bodyguard. He 
called me into the studio and asked me 
to take dictation. I didn’t think twice 
about it, even though 1 wasn't trained 
in any legitimate system of shorthand. 
The letter he dictated had to do with 
the affairs of Trans World Airlines and 
was being sent to one of the people who 
ng to take over Hughes's hold- 
ings in the airline. From the text of t 
nd other communiqués. 1 could tell that 
there was a major problem with the air 
line, which apparently didn't have the 
cash to рау lor the first 707s that were 
coming off Bocing's assembly line. It was 
going to be necessary for TWA to borrow 
a huge sum of money. because the airline 
had been a steady money loser. 

One of the utions with which 
Hughes w g was The First 
National Bank of Boston. Hughes had 
me call someone there and read him a 
list of instructions on how to negotiate 
with Howard Hughes. “Alter you hang 
up from this call." I recited to the bank 
officer, "we ask you to have vour tele- 
phone line checked 10 make sure that 
there is no sort of listening device on it; 
make no mention of this Gall to anyone 
unless absolutely necessary, and only then 
after swearing him to secrecy; keep the 
number of people who know of these 
negotiations to a minimum; lock up 
all note pads used these negotiations 
every night 

1 leamed that the amount of the loan 
1 was talking about was 5268,000,000. I 
made me feel odd. I'd had a terrible time 
opening an account with Se 

Hughes had one реси 
me my greatest 
would sit in the studio, his shoes off, talk- 
ing on the phone to The М "he 
Party, bouncing around on his chair in a 
nd of excitement. But he 


ity thar gave 


had a further trick. He could fold his 
long, bony toes, one over the othe 
starting with the little toe and working i 

He was doing that one day when Homer 
came by to deliver some food to me and 
I shushed him, took him into the projec- 


tion booth and pointed toward Hughes's 
llet and toework. Homer got 
loud, 


ed H 
so hysterical, laughed so 
Hughes, who was hard of he 
twisting around in his di 
who was making tl 

But as our stay wore on, I be 
get really concerned about Hughes's men- 
tal state, as well as his weakened phy 
condition. He secmed to have extended 
periods of truly bizarre behavior, which 
were occurring more and more frequently. 
Physically, he resembled a live skeleton. 
His cheekbones protruded grotesquely 
from the sunken face; the black circles 
under his eyes seemed to be those of a 
rüst His calves looked like wrists; 
hs were the size of decent fore- 
ms. His buttocks had lost so mudi 
flesh that there were several rolls of 
loose skin, so that Love. Hurley and I 
started calling him Saddlebags. 

I called Glenn at Operations and said, 
“Kay, I'm afraid Hughes is going to dic. 

There was a long silence. Finally, 
Glenn was able to mumble, “Ron, what 
makes you think thai" I told him i 
l about the diet, the weight loss, 
the lack of bathing facilities, the sleepi 
s—the whole sorry story. Glenn 
told me to stand by the phone for an 
important call. Shortly afterward, a doctor 
called and I went through the story again 
swered a lot of questions about 
skin color, respiration, speech coherence, 
firmness of step, mental alertness, and the 
like. The doctor offered no conclusions; 


that 
ted 


there was nothing to be done, He couldn't 
pick up his phone, call Hughes and tell 


him he was sick. That decision would be 
made by Hughes and no other. 

But two ys later, as if he'd ri 
my mind, Hughes demo ed one of 
the greatest mental feats T have ever 
nessed. With me still worried that he'd 
gone around the bend, he called me into 
the studio and reminded me of the com- 
plex letter he һай dictated regardi 
TWA some months before. Since it was 
the form of а memorandum—highly tech- 

«d very long—he had had me keep 
my copy of it. Well, this man I thought 
on the edge of the abyss sat me down and 
redictated that memo to me, fact for fact, 
word for word, comma for comma. Whe 
he finished, he asked me if he'd got 
right. 1 told him he had, 
and that was th 
he had to sl 
dently, he h 


n 
he smiled 


some of Hughes's relative 
thiness was a ruse that he w 
using against The Major and "Ehe" Party. 
When he talked with them on the phone, 
T would hear him say, “The night nurse 
Rath is with nd she's ready 


me now 


or “Nurse Hannah 
It Бе 


10 give me а bath" 
is about to give me an enema." 
came clear to me that the 
the whole Jost summer—the isolation, the 


people dear to him that he was in a 
hospital, rather than at Nosseck's. He 
successfully cut himself off from ‘The 
Major and The Party and avoided any 
personal confrontations on the TWA 

i ying himself as gravely 
d question is ИЛЛ; 

Despite his charade, he was terrified 
of potential germs or any kind of disease. 
I had had enough. I wanted to go home. 
when I was certain he was 


? 


So one da 


looking at me, 1 allowed my knees to 
sag ever so slightly. brushed my fore- 


ed to look 
voided 
Ron, are 


head with my hand and m 
ke someone who had narrowly 
fainting spell. Hughes asked, * 
you feeling well? 


I had to “No, sir, not well at 
all." 

He seemed to press himself back into 
his chai. "Are you coming down with 


cold? 

Hardly. "No," I said, "I just seem to 
have picked up a headache I can't shake. 

That was all it took. “You've had a 
spell here, Ron. I think you had 
beter go home for a few days. You go on 
home, get à good rest and take сате of 
yourself. Stay there until you hear from 
me.” ] never had to go back to Nosseck's, 
because Hughes left a few days after I 
did (1 never found out why). Waiting at 
home to hear from him meant five weeks’ 
paid vacation with my wife. 


I got a call ordering me to report to 
Hughes's bungalow, number four, at the 
Beverly Hills Hotel. I was to spend the 
last year of my active employment with 
Hughes Productions there, When I re 
ported for work, I immediately spotted a 
familiar face on the bungalow steps. It 
was a Hughes employee who was referred 
to by Hughes as a “third man." There 
were three third men whe rotated hours 
so that one of them was always available. 
Their duties were to guard the bungalow's 
door, as well as to guard two other unoc- 
cupied hotel bungalows. (Hughes had ap- 
ently filled those bungalows full of 
wadded-up Kleenex and simply moved out 
of them.) They would deliver newspapers 
and magazines, coordinate meal service 
and let people in and out of Hughes's bun- 
alow. That Last duty was not at all simpli 
Before the door could be opened. the 
third man had to take a folded newspaper 
and shoo ny insects from the door- 
frame. Then he would open the door 
barely wide 
through and, 
door shut before any kami 
mosquito could make it ir 
bomb Hughes. 

When 1 a 


ived th time, I 


first 
squeezed into the room just in time to 


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217 


PLAYBOY 


escape being squashed like a, well, like 
a bug. Inside, 1 immediately stopped in 
my tracks. It was gloomily dark, especially 
in contrast to the sunshine outside. 
“Just stand right there and don’t move, 
Ron, And remember not to talk.” It was 
Hughes's voice. After my eyes had adjusted 
to the ness, I looked around and 
was thankful I'd stopped when I 
The room looked like а Salv; 
thrift shop, jammed with chairs, 
end tables, lamps, s, Hughes's 
favorite leather chair and ottoman, a 
large movie screen, two portable projec- 
tors on top of one of the coffee tables, 
two large speakers and approximately 
20 full-size film cans spread out in rows 
on the floor. The cans м id out in 


such a way as to make narrow paths 10 
various sections of the room. 
Hughes was sitting in the middle of 


th his favorite chair, wearing noth 
pink Beverly Hills Horel nap- 
kin, which he held in his crotch, After 
Nosseck’s, 1 wondered what had inflamed 
his sense of modesty. Neither his bead 
nor his hair had been cut since I had 
last seen him. The beard fell to his chest. 
He was not nearly so gaunt as he had 
been at Nosseck also pleased 
to note that his exposed skin, and there 
was lots of it, had a healthy pinkish tinge 


that gave evidence of recently having 
been bathed and well rubbed with a 
towel. 


“Ron,” he said, “that your cha 
over in the corner. Go sit in it and don't 
move around. You will find a book of 
nstructions on how to run these projec- 
tors. Read it and make damned sure that 
you know how to operate them. It 
shouldn't take you long. considering the 
amount of time that you have spent in 
the projection booth with Carl when you 
weren't supposed to be there.” (How did 
he know?) As 1 walked to my ch 
dded, "Remember! You are not to 
in this room. If you want to communicate 
with me, you can write a note on one of 
the pads that you will find on the table. 
But 1 cannot imagine anything that 
would he important enough to require 
note," Since 1 had 
been told to read the instruction booklet. 
and since it was dark in the room, I 
turned on а lamp that was by my chair. 
You'd have thought I had run over and 
zed jn his Тасе. Hughes whipped 
d growled at me, "Turn that 
ght off. I 1 want you to turn 
the damned light on, ГЇЇ damned well 
tell you to turn the damned light on. 
Now tum the damned light off. 

Looking around the room again in the 
darkness, I remembered a line ftom Edgar 
Guest: “It takes a heap o’ livin’ in a house 
Uomuke it home.” In this 5175-per«day 
hotel bungalow, Hughes had done his best. 
for the heap part of that phrase. Stacks 
of unread magazines and newspapers were 
piled around the room, some of them at 


you to write me 


damned 


218 least seven feet high. Hughes had ob- 


viously been willing to devote a lot of 
time to ng certain that the various 
stacks were perfectly balanced. 1 was to 
learn that he had delivered to him by the 
third man cvery edition of every loc 
daily paper in evenly aligned groups of 
three, so that Hughes could pull out the 
supposedly sanitary middle paper. After 
all that, he never did read it. I could see 
that there were many issues of PLAYBOY 
in the piles, sometimes two or three copies 
‘of the same issue. (Later I would sce him 
occsionally studying a гілувоу center- 
fold. He never touched another magazine.) 

In the small open spaces between 
stacks (or furniture), he had started a 
monumental pile of used Kleenex, left 
over from cleaning his nose, eves. cars, 
fingernails, toenails, the telephone, his 
chair, his ouoman and anything cke he 
could reach. Evidently, he would dis- 
pose of the tissues by wadding them into 
halls and throwing them over his shoulder 
onto the floor. Unfortunately, 1 could see 
that his aim was in the general direction 
of my chair. 1 began immediately to de 
velop an overwhelming fear of being 
crushed under а mountain of dirty 
Kleenex piled in this multimillionaire's 
Beverly Hills bungalow. 

After a few hours of staring at the mess 
and squinting at the instruction booklet, 
1 was given permission to return to the 
hotel room that had been reserved for 
me. 1 got up and started to leave the 
room, only to be stopped by Hughes's 
excited voice: "Wait until 1 call the third 
man to let you out!” I stood by the door 
as he phoned, "Stan, would you please 
come over and let Ron out of the room 
He turned back to me. "When the third 
man gets here. he will notify you by kick- 
ing on the door." I nodded. "You will 
then kick the door to signal to him that 
you are prepared to go out quickly as 
he opens the door." After the al kicks, 
1 made a frantic squeeze through the 
opening and damn near lost my man- 
hood on the knob. 

1 fought off boredom during those long 
mouths in the bungalow by learning the 
wicks of an ace flycaccher. But | wasi 
always the one to track the dread insect. 
On Easter Sunday, 1959, John Hol 
Hughes's person er. took his turn. 
Hughes pretended not to notice holidays, 
aiming that they were just like any 
other day. On every important holi- 
day—the ones normal people like to 
spend with their families—Hughes would 


contrive 10 have all les with 
him. But H carly 
as Thanksgiving the year before that he 


would have Easter Sunday off so that he 
could spend it with his family. 

On Easter morning, I was on duty 
and wasn't too surprised to see Hughes 
pick up the phone. call Holmes and 
launch into his favorite con: “Johnny, 1 
know I promised you that you could have 
this Sunday with your family, but I 
have to interrupt your day. This won't 


take long, but I have to have you come 
down. There's а fly in my room.” I don't 
know who was more pissed off with that 
excuse, Holmes or me. After all, 1 was a 
pretty damn good fly killer. 

Holmes came into the bungalow a cou- 
ple of flyless hours later. He was a good 
actor, so he wasn't showing the displeasure 
he must hı been feeling. He stood in 
front of Hughes, who said in his most apol- 
ogetic tone of voice, “I'm sorry. John. but 
there's а fly somewhere in here and I just 
have to turn to you to ch it." The 
humidity in the room went up 15 per- 
cent because I was steaming in the corner: 
You can get me to do a lot of bullshit 
things, but don’t ever tell me I'm not 
doing them well. 

Holmes began his search, looking eve 
where he could walk. He worked slowly, 
very slowly. After 45 m s of br 
acting, he made his way alongside 
Hughes's chair, out of Hughes's range of 
vision but well within mine. Holmes 
pped his forehead and smiled, then 
reached into his breast pocket and pulled 
ош а Kleenex. He opened it up, and 
there was the corpse of a big, beautiful 
fly. The cheating son of a bith had 
brought onc from home. 

He put the fly back in his pocket and 
worked his way to a far corner of the room. 
where Hughes could watch him only by 
looking over his shoulder. Then Holmes 
made а production out of spotting a fly. 
He put a piece of Kleenex on his hand. He 
ready for the kill. He made а pass and 
then made the substitution of one ball 
of Kleenex for the other. He went over 
to Hughes. "Did you get him, Joh 
Holmes nodded. “Well. let's have a look." 
Holmes unfolded the Kleenex very ca 
fully and put the dead body right 
front of Hughes's face. Hughes really 
studied that dead fly and finally said, 
“Johnny, uU a nice fly" Holmes 
nodded, s Then Hughes looked up 


Holmes and said thoughtfully, “Nest 
, John, lets get a legal kill.” We 


were all of us close enough. to one 
other to understand the joke, and we all 
broke out in hysterical laughter that Jast- 
ed for over aes. When the 
laughter had subside 
“Jobn, go on and sp 
y with your family, and happy Easter 
to you.” 


d 


Hughes certainly eating better 
the hotel than he had at Nosseck's, but 
he was still a very unconventional man. 
He might cat at eight mw. Tuesd 
and not again until ten кум. Thursday. 
He would notily the serving crew hours, 
or even days, iu advance of his mealtime, 
In theory, this was to give them time to 
wash themselves down, so that they (and 
the kitchen) would be hygienic enough 


for Hughes. In reality, it gave them 
enough 


ne to get to the hotel from 


their homes. (The waiters were Hughes 


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a clavicle is not, unless you're keen on shoulders. 


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After you take it out, give all your friends 
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Then just sit and sip and talk about bird 
migrations. Or even other subjects. 


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employees who ako doubled as chefs.) 

The quantity of food that Hughes was 
able to consume w ggering. A large 
. two or three broiled steaks, one or 
two quarts of milk, several quarts of ice 
cream and as many as six single layer cakes 
at one meal. It would take him two or 
three hows to finish a meal like that, 
I guess it’s по wonder that one of th 
would hold him for days. One time 
called. the third man and said, "Let's cat 
k today." He called back later and said. 
ed my mind. I'm not going to 
Tt had been two and a half days 


eat now." 
between his first call and the second onc. 


This sort of thing wore the waiters to 
а frazzle, И he ordered steak, they would 
cook it until it was almost done, because 
they knew that there would be a wait 
outside the bungalow with the steak sit- 
g there, cooking slowly over a Sterno 
i. Ol couse, if the wait outside was 
too long. they would have to go back to 


the kitchen and start a fresh piece of 
beef. The record for steaks cooked out- 
side Hughes's room but not delivered 


was, I believe, ten. 

Another time, it looked as if the waiters 

were, after innumerable delays, going to 
get in with their food. They were on the 
porch with a tray of beef Stroganoff and 
à can of Sterno underneath it. Suddenly, 
one of the waiters looked up at the 
Spanish-style tile roof. It was evident! 
favorite haunt of some sparrows. 
reached up with his bare hand and 
scraped some birdshit off the tile. He 
flung it into the Stroganoff and then 
stirred it in, The door was opened and 
the cart wheeled in. Hughes immediately 
te the meal without noticing a thing. 
He didu't say that it was better than usual, 
but he sure didn't say that it any 
worse. 

When J wanted to eat, 1 had to pi 
up my hotel-room phone, call Operations 
in Hollywood, place my order and then 
while they relayed it to room service, 
some 50 y ty. Operations would 
often try to assert their authority over me 
by “forgetting” to place my order, so I 
would have to call again and again. 
There was а list of foods 1 was not to eat 
around Hughes, including pork prod- 
ucts, any meat cooked with gravy, garlic, 
onions or any other “breath destroyer,” 
spaghetti or any other Italian dish (my 
Italian wife regarded this as another 
ck mark against Hughes) or any dish 

ight be considered exotic. Because 
the gourmet sta 
wh, ог № 


не 


rds 


n't exotic were those of 
that center of high-c isine— Utah. 
1 found th Ме only with а New 
York-cut broiled steak. Steak and eggs 
for break ndwich for lunch. 
Steak 10 typical day's food 
bill for me—you know what room-service 
s are these days, and at the Beverly 
Hills Hotel, they were like that then— 
would run dose to 5100. The standard 
Hughes tip was always 30 percent of the 


є 


| 


"He's listed in the 


T ur d. 


iuinness Book of World Records 


under ‘The World's Biggest Cock!” 


bill Eventually, I got hold of the right 
people in the kitchen (my food was pre- 
pared by hotel employees) and we devised 
code, so that if 1 ordered Whe: 
whole-wheat toast with eggs, I'd get I 
and eggs. Cheating like that really was 
cheating. because even if Hughes's taboo 
list was inexplicable to me, Hughes 1 
self didn't cat any of the foods he didi 
want me to cat. 

Hughes's slecping was as unconvention- 
al as his eating He might go to bed and 
sleep for 18 hours or he might wake up 
after two hours and саспар the day away. 
There was no such thing as bedtime 
Sleep might be convenient at ten Ам. 
four р.м. or four A.M. He never wore апу 
kind of watch, so he would occasionally 
all the third man aud ask the time. The 
third man had to remember to a 
or rM. 

We passed the time he wasn't cating 
or sleeping watching films, Cowboy mov- 
ies were his favorites, but anything having 
10 do with airplanes was on his must-see 
list. The prints were borrowed from the 
studios (Hughes had been part of the 
industry when he owned RKO, and he 
could si 
ness through the weird functioning of 
Hughes Productions. Of course. the 
studios wanted the films back within a 
reasonable period of time, especially in 
the case of a new release for which they 
had only a limited number of prints. 
Many times I would get frantic calls from 
nting to know about the 
film Hughes had watched f 
1 pur on hold. When the prob- 
really acute, Td smuggle the 
film out, which always led to interesting 


dd лм. 


be considered in show busi 


confrontations with Hughes: He'd want 
to know what had happened to that film 
and Td tell him that he'd seen it all and 
4 OK'd irs return. 
Between reels, Hughes would mike 
phone calls to The Major and The Party. 
Because of his hearing problem. he wore a 
hearing aid, so he would take his amplifier 
and hold it over the earpiece at a right 
angle to his head. That made me privy to 
every word said an both sides of the con- 
on. Listening to all the litle in- 
timacies, spats and gosip made me very 
uncomfortable, but Hughes was oblivious 
of this; he'd say the most personal thing 
in my presence. 

he other fellows wor 


g for Hughes 


at the hotel Joved to play practical jokes 
had as their basis the faet that he 
а large air 


pu п one window of the bungalow. 
The guys would whisper jokes through th 
air cleaner that 1 could hear but Hu 
couldn't. If he was lool 
straight face. 
One time, 1 was sitting in my d 
І smelled smoke, cigarette: smoke. 


and | was dying for a cigarette, They 
were blowing smoke through that damned 
pwifier (which, like the air conditioner. 


wa 
the a 
“Are you 


n't turned on). Hughes started sr 
. "Ron, I smell smoke he 
aking? 


Hughes 
nd I'm not smoking. And you're not 
smoking. But 1 do smell smoke. Do yon 
smell 1 nodded my head. “Isn't 


that st st time I've 
ever smelled smoke here.” This went on 
for about 20 minutes, his wonda 


ш 219 


PLAYBOY 


220 


about the smoke, while the more he 
talked about it, the faster the guys out- 
side were lighting up cigarenes. They 
were howling with liughter. knowing thi 


r them. and | had 
to sit there. wearing a Buster Keaton 
stone face. If Hughes knew abour those 


K that he did—he 


куана I often th 
pretended not to. preferring to let us 
have our fun, blow off our steam. 

But he was grating on my nerves. He 
was spending hours combing his beard. 
using the small end of a barber's comb 
with such gusto that 1 expected cither the 
comb or the beard to break out in flames. 
It was just another of his absentminded. 


nervous habits (like polishing the wire 
that ded from the phone to the wall), 
but it was getting to me. So were the 
growing piles of Kleene 

Worse, Hughes had begun to take a 
lot of naps. which would list anywhere 
from 20 minutes to four hours. He would 
stretch. out in that leather chair, plop his 
fect on the ottoman and sleep. My chai 
was armless. unpadded and very uncom 
fortable. I couldn't deep. Hell. it was hard 
10 slouch in that chair. E wrote him a nore: 
“L would like to go to my room when vou 
take a nap. 

This displeased Hughes aud he wa 
«quick to say so. "Ron. 1 don’t think that 
you are being fair to me. I never sleep 
lor very long and you can nap at thc 
same time. You know that I don't like to 
have the door opened aud closed any 
more than is necessary. and for that r 
son. 1 don't want you to leave. 

I could see that this was going to be 
pod fight. but 1 was ready for it. I 
wore: "Your chair is one hell of a lot 
more comfortable than mine. 1 would 
Jîke ıo go to my room so that Г can smoke, 
0 t0 the bathroom and сай my wife. 
cm be back here within five minutes 
after you call mc. 

\ growing look of repulsion spread 
over his face as he read my note and con 
templated my actions. “We'll talk about 
t some other time. Get back in your 
chair, I'm going to turn out the light and 
we're poing to take а nap." IT that was 
supposed to end it n't. He turned 
the light and. began to nap. 1 went 
over to the door and waited, hoping sonic- 
bow to get out. 

Mera few mir 


tes, Hughes tuned on 
н a soft. gentle voice 
I want to talk to 
vou." E took my seat. "I know that you're 
uncomfortable. that the hours are. long 
and irregular, that you haven't been home 
with your Family for a long time and tha 
1 make you nervous. but T just w 
10 know how much I appreciate hı 
vou here. You do such good work. 
always with such a good-natured attitude, 
at it really helps my spirits to have you 
in the room with me. There isn't anyone 
in the whole world that I would rather 
Trave iu this room with me than you. Ron.” 

It was his Sunday punch. He knew it 


was bullshit, I knew it was bullshit, but 
there we were. he laying it our and 1 
taking it in, He was so maudlin that 1 
had begun to smile. Evidently, he siw 
that he'd overdone his spiel, for he started 
to grin back at me. “Ron, 1 wouldnt 
sult you with money.” (Damned right 
he wouldn't. 1 was still caming that two 
bucks an hour, even though it did come 
to 161 a week.) “L cin only promise you 
that you will have a job with me for the 
rest of your life. 1 know that Гус been 
100 tough on you and Т apologize. You 
can go to your room. II send for you 
when 1 need. you.” It was a victory. but 
алаа oi 


I had. over the past weeks. begun to 
r 


realize that 1 had a L had 
been having an itching sensation in my 
rectal area that was getting worse and 
I had tried all the patent medicines 
f and I Knew that I would 
to sec а doctor, In desperation, I 
wrote Hughes a note to let him know 
about my condition: “Pin afraid 1 must 
see а doctor. 1 have а problem with my 
rean 

Hughes felt that you go 10 а doctor to 
сошла a disease. not to cure one. “Do 
you hive hemorrhoids, Ron? Piles? A 
nish?" E shook my head no cach time. He 
sud that he would make arrangements 
lor me 10 visit а specialist. 

Two weeks later. D was still. waiting— 
and itching. It was getting worse. 1 wa 
1 tried another 
ng me and 1 will 


al problem. 


! continuous discomfort. 
note: “My ass is killi 
want to go sce a doctor 

We glowered at cach oth 


; Finally, he 


sad. “Гуе been making arrangements 
and should have wod for you by 


tomorrow 
The next day. T brought the note with 
me: "When in the hell do I get to scc 
doctor?” 1 was furious and he knew 
He called Operations aud told them ıo 
ake on appointment with one of the 
leading plumbing specialists in Beverly 
Ils, 1 was scheduled for the next day. 
1 felt better almost instantly 
The doctor called my probl 
lion-dollar rectum." Ht seems that the anal 
very sensitive and when the body 
gued with severe nervous anxie 
is not uncommon for there to be a minor 
breakdown in that The doctor 
told me that this condition was fairly 
common among some of his wealthier 
patients. The prescription was simple and 
welcome. I was lo go home and stay there 
for nce to fou The next day 
when my note about the 
diagnosis. his solution was а direct one: 
The followi 
other specialist. He 
problem minor sk 


arca. 


me 


“Well ger а new doctor 
diy. | 
diagnosed. il 
rash, 

L was far from cured. In fact, 
worse shape than eve 
thing us sleep for me, and Hughes was 
ally patting d 10 long. long 
sions with little Iree time. He was getting 


was sent to 


I was in 
There was no such 


me: 


ses 


an hell There were no me 
n it for me. fo tp it off. 1 had 
call from my wile (her angel-ol 
s to my hotel room were the 
ht spots in our lives): T was going to 
have 10 choose between Hughes and her. 

"he lost time J went to the bungalow. 


it was ly hor. smoggy Septem- 
ber d Ana winds had blown 


much of the LAL filth into Beverly Hills 
and Hughes didn't have the air condi- 
tioner or the air purifier on. 1 had barely 
gonen seated when he said, "Ron, just sit 
there quietly while 1 take a short nap 

1 jumped up and ran to the fromt ol 


his chair. 1 wasn't about 10 be bothered 
with nore writing. I shouted, “I's ло 
goddamned hot in here!" 

He grimaced and instructed me to 


à piece of Kleenex and turn the 
ditioner on to йз lowest setti 
dick below Low coor. 
labeled Nowe. 
dirty look and said. "Si in your ch 


g—one 
which should be 
Then he gave me a very 


We are going 10 tike а nap.” He had 
tumed out the lights and had tiken hi 


hearing sid out ol his 
to be rough to communicate with him. 
He had closed his eves and. was presum 
ably asleep. 1 picked up a large Turkish 
towel and stood alongside his chair. 

To catch | 1 started. madly 
ig hi» skinny. old mude body with 
the towel. 1 lost 
contre ping at hi 
y old һаман! It's so 
goddamned hor in here you could fry 
egg on the floor and stiff you won't tumn 
on the air conditioner! T'm sick and you 
make the doctor tell me а bunch of lies! 
You told me that I woukhrt have to 
stay in this damned room when you took 


‚зой was 


and sı 


' 
Goddamned с 


тар! My wife is leav ye and taking 
the kids! You've got me hall-crazy now! 
You run around nude in this stinking shit 
hole and Fm leaving before Û get as nuts as 
vou are! Fuck you, Howard Hughes! 1 
quit!” 


Hughes's eyebrows were arched, his eyes 
bulging. 1 walked over nd 
grabbed the priv ob 


10 the door 


privileged doork 


with re hand. | thing the door 
open as Far as it would go. The third 
man was in his own room. There was no 
опе around to brush at the Ше, I looked 


К to sce Hughes sitting. 
damned. old white-leather chair. He was 
shielding his eyes fom the bright sun- 
bı. something that he hadn't seen in 
m reaching for the tele 
ie. probably to call the third n 

Streams of people were walki 
the sidewalk outside the bungalow, going 
10 or coming from the Polo Lounge or 


nude. that 


He was 


the pool Мом of them pected into 
bungalow four, tying to sce who that 


poor skinny old mole wi 

the beard and the loug hair 
pkin stulled in his crotch 
1 haven't seen Howard Huy 


the one with 
d the pink 


hes since. 


It can dump Sunda 


E 


nd 


a 


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PLAYBOY 


222 


JAGUAR eos 


demanding they are, the better the car is 
likely to be, and they may have personal 
preferences that account for both the good 
nd the bad things it does. In the case of 
the XJS, we were dealing with levels of 
goodness; of the bad there was precious 
little. 

Seeing the way Randall drove the Jag- 
war was very helpful. He caressed he 
coupe [rom ситуе to curve in а m 
that was more guiding than driving 
did not anticipate or compensa 


cat t 
long the intended 
two-ton car with 
ukln't lı 


such 


He handled the 
delicacy that we w 
prised to sce him pull on a p 
gloves. 

We had been rough on the XJ-S the 
first day out on a run from the factory 
at Covent over roads as 
jagged as а stockmarket graph, because 
we had wanted to force it to its limits to 
see how it behaved. We'd treated the 
JS like a monoposto 

way with it, Thick 


у four-seater 
car and gotte 
clouds rolling low over the hilly country 
had left the narrow crowned roads more 
wet than dry, Around their blind corners 
Dunlops gripped атал 
ly well, but when they broke loose— 
whoosh!—they did it at the back 
suddenly, sending 16 li 
sliding at an angle 
could always gather it up ag 


with a 


quick twist of the fast (rhirecanda-quarter 
turns lock to lock) power-boosted steering, 
but we still remember that high grass- 
covered bank coming at us through the 
side window. 

We really had to tweak the Jaguar's 
tail to make it misbehave, and even then 
we could get it crossed up only on wet 
roads, On our way back to me Wild 
Bour that night, we took thc open-road 
turns as fast as we dared and found the 
ultless. In fact, we told R: 


wrong with the X[-5: It went so fast so 
tly tha as bound to get people 
o trouble simply because they didn't 
salize how fast they were going without 
1 hiss from the wind and roar 
m the e "We've been accused of 
id with a wry smile. 
morning over coffee at the Jaguar 
factory. we'd learned. something of what 
the company’s hopes were for the XJ-S. 
т is part of British Leyland, whose 
manager saw it as being “outside 
competition” except for the Mercedes- 
Benz 150SLC, compared. with which. he 
id, the NJ-S has more standard equip- 
ment, more luggage room and better per- 
formance. It will also cost а lot less than 
the Mercedes, representing. "traditional 
Jaguar value for money.” 
At the end of his si 
from the 


the usu 


‚ two lovel 
jal pool tugged 
а cover olf the XJ-S and we had our first 
look at th t completely new model 
to be introduced since the X ]-6 came out 


imme, gimme, gimme; that's all 1 ever hear!” 


in 1968. Any new car from Jaguar is a 
big event. Jaguars have that heady mix 
of style, luxury and sporty perfor 
that commands attention, that makes h 
lines. But we can't say our first glimpse of 
this one had us yelling “Author! Author 

The best view of the XJ-S is from the 
side, which accentuates its lowness and an 
look. We weren't 
terribly impressed by its special aluminum 
wheels: the roof line seemed unimagina- 
tive and the grille too weak and insig- 
айы the heavy black-rubber 
bumper that’s Washington's Шей con- 
tribution to car styling. And that’s about 
where our nitpicking 


leaning forw 


aded. 


After the unveiling. s chief cn- 
пее explained that the XJ-12 sedan's 
ILindependent front- and rearsuspension 


blies have just abour been plugged 
nto the new body of the XJS, a 


right 
body whose tremendous stiffness accounts 


for its quietness and unbreakable feel. 
Though the XJ-S has a short, 102-inch 
wheelbase, the Ја people said it 
shouldn't be thought of as a successor to 
the late, lamented XK-E sports car. It was 
deemed a "sophisticated two-plus-two type 
of configuration," for which "the feel was 
that there was a wider market 

That "wider market" doesn't mean 
we'll be seeing XJ-Ss leaning against every 
curb ns to make only 


cars 

than any respectable Detroit. production 
y respect т 

spews out in an hour, Tharll add 


up to around 3000 cars а year, of which 
three quarters will be shipped to the 
U. nd C Ла. из sales here will 
thus be about the same those of the 
Mercedes-Benz 4508LC, of which 1942 
were delivered. the U.S. in 1974. It's 
not big volume, but at a price tag ex- 
pected to be in the 519.000 arca, it could. 
mount to more than $40,000,000 in 
Jaguar retail sales here. Jaguar is deter- 
mined not to make the same mistake that 
it did with the first XJ-G se ng 
them too low. 

The XJ-S is offered only with the V12 
engine, because the longstroke six (still 
а very good engine) wont fit under. its 
low hood. There had been some trouble 
when the V12 was introduced, back in 
1972, from ignition systems that weren't 
made right and rod bolts that weren't 
torqued properly, but it's now going quite 
well. Its a magnificent engine, а 12 for 
the sake of smoothness and silence, not 
rasping and roaring, bred in the tradition 
of the great classics of the Thirties. 

More important was the Bosch-L 
electronic Гас 


15: pri 


s 
n now fitted to the 
allaluminum 12 its 543cc dis- 
placement (326 cubic inches, if you 
haven't gone metric ver) it delivers a net 
241 horsepower at 5250 rpm. which makes 
it one of the most powerful a gi 
now available in са. The injca 
helps it m rules while 
proving the gas 
feature of earlier Jagu 


im- 
leage—not the best 


iar 12s 


and making 


it easier 
At only engine is 
loafing. Just to satisfy the ity about 
its potential, the Jaguar people built some 
special heads for it with twin cams instead 
of a single overhead cam and four v 
instead of two. It cranked out а thunder- 
This would have 
er, 
in the racing 
so famous in 


nd simpler to 
14 horsepow: 


the 

When we stepped into the XJ-S for 
the first time, we discovered that it was 
anything but a stripped racer. Only 
one thing was missing: any trace of the 
wood paneling that used to be a hallmark 
of Britis acral and of Jaguars 
in particular, Instead. the dash has a look 
1 white-on-black efficiency. 
and minor controls like 
an. New and good. 
istrumient pod with 
lt-type gau be- 
па the speedometer and 
ts chat 
¢ given 
color-coded blueprint of the dash so 
we'd know wi going wrong if one 
of them started flashing. 

We were also handed the marked-up 
map that showed us the way to the Wild 
Boar Inn, and when we stowed it away 
we found there were pockets in the doors, 
a bin in the center armrest and a vanity 


cars 


of сеп] 


mirror that popped up from the glove- 
box door. At first the hand brake didn’t 
seem to be on, but the warning light said 
it was, so we checked and found that the 
lever, placed between the drivers scat 
and the door, folds down so it's ощ of 
the way when the brake is applied. 

On the narrow roads of the tight little 
isle, we had one problem right away: 
keeping the tyres clear of the kerbs on 
the near side (translation: not hitting the 
curbs on the left with the tires), With its 
58-inch track and bely tires, the NJ-S 
wide car by British standards. and 
vay the upper lender surfaces are 
beveled downward means that you can't 
quite sce how wide it really i» After we 
bounced the big car off about three kerbs, 
we finally got the range 

When we let the XJ-S free of its tether, 
it swged forward with an. eagerness that 
was all the more impressive for being 
dead quiet, its accele ig and 
building in that happy way th 
that engine size and gear 


how this one responded to its T-handled 
lever, we decided it was more help than 
hindrance—whidh is just as well, because 
it's the only transmission that will be 
offered on the XJ-S in America in 1976. 

On the way back 10 Coventry alter a 
night at the Wild Boar, we corrected the 


speedometer on the M6 Motorway and 
tried some acceleration runs. With two 
aboard and baggage. the XJ-S reached 
10 miles an hour in 4.4 seconds, 50 in 5.8, 
60 in 8.3 and 70 in That's not bad. 
but at the factory, we timed an exp 
mental car with a fourspeed man 
transmission at zero to 60 in 6.8 seconds: 
It had notice 


could feel the difference 
ably more punch and a greater feeling of 
control in the comers. Perhaps this box 
n even better one will be a U.S. 
ing in the future 

The XJ-S is a completely new kind of 
Jaguar. It wraps up in a single shark- 
nosed package all the things that make 


today's] the best ever built: an 
outstanding VIS engine. a high level of 
reliability. interior (ments that 


appo 


look and feel luxurious. styling that's а 
blend ol the classic and the sporty, and 
combination of ride and handling thats 
the envy of car makers who've been 
around а whole lot longa 
The first-ever Jaguar 1 (then 
called an 581) was a close-coupled four- 
seater coupe with a long hood and г; 
lines, so the XJ-S is a fully le 
member of the family, ev 
doesn’t look like any of 
the best Jaguar ever? For $19,000. 
rockets а Jag into the supercar strato- 
sphere for the first time—it should be. 


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224 that it gre: 


CODE BATTLE 


eason that the House and Senate intel- 
ligence committees are looking into 

Another reputed agency achievement 
was a spymasters dream. The Soviet 
Union allegedly eavesdropped. from its 
embassy in Washington, on hundreds of 
thousands of domestic American tele- 
phone calls, including those to and from 


Congressmen. NSA then intercepted the 
Soviet transmissions of the results back 
to Russia. 


Many intercepts th: into the 
ort Meade headquarters are, like these, 
in dear language. The communications 
ir force pilots with one an- 
mple. Analysts listen to 


pour 


nder, its 
men, its morale, its equipment, its trans- 
fers. Many such analyses join to create a 
picture of the So: force as a whole. 

But most of the intercepts are in code, 
and these go to the code breakers, a rare 

nd peculiar breed of men. “Back-room 
boys," the British call them. Most of them 
today are mathematically indined, in con- 
trast to those of pre-World War Two 
tage, who were primarily linguists. The 
change reflects the world-wide shift in 
cryptographic systems. 

They are highly intellectual, lovers of 
word games, puzzles and chess. Indeed, the 
ме British chess champion C. H. O'D. 
was a star of the British code- 
breaking establishment. Once, when he 
was play an grand master 
David Bronstein, he learned during con- 
versation that Bronshi did the same 
kind of work. Curiously, many of the great 
q@yptanalysts have been fine musicians. 
The greatest code breaker of World War 
One, the Frenchman Georges Jean P: 
vin, had won a prize in cello at the Nantes 
conservatory. After Pearl Harbor, the 
Navy's code breakers, needing more men, 
commandeered the band of the sunken 
battleship California. Nearly all the mem- 
bers proved above average and some were 
outstandin, 

The work requires, for success, а rare 

md peculiar turn of mind. sometimes 
termed cipher brains. It is not surprising 
that many cryptanalysts are magnificent ec 
centrics. Take, 
finest cryptanalyst, Dilw: 
World War One reputedly cracked the 
c з submarine code in his bath and 
in World War Two helped solve the 
several versions. of the German. cipher 
machi Day after day, he would 
try to leave his office through the cup- 
board. The girls there waited to see if once, 
just by chance, he would go out through 
He ne id. Whenever he 
line, he ruled his thumb in. Yet 
t of his brain so illuminated 
mechanism of the Enigma 
ly aided Britain in staving off 


dion—its comm 


picture of a squ 


the door. 
led 
another р 
the comples 


(continued from page 136) 


defeat and later in win 
worked. intuitively. A ce 
of the mechanism had been called а c 
“Where there's a стар, there's a lobster," 
reasoned Knox—and ће found the corre- 
sponding movement. 

Another of the Bletchley origi 
Alan Turing. One of the greatest mathe- 
maticians of the century, he is widely 
known as the creator of the Turing ma- 
chine, an idealizttion of the computer. 
During World War Two, Turing bicycled 
the three miles from his rooms to Bletchley 
every day on a rickety con 
n regularly fell off. Inst 
ing it, Turing noted that this event oc- 
curred every so many revolutions of the 


als was 


pedal. He then correlated a bent wheel 
spoke with a damaged link in the ch; 
Only then did he attack the repair. He 


sometimes set his watch by making some 
complex preliminary calculations and then 
observing from a fixed point the occulta- 
tion of a particular star by a certain 
building. He took his love of exercise to 
extremes, preferring to jog 14 miles across 
London to rushing for trains and waiting 
smelly underground stations. Tall, 
d-shouldered, blue-eyed, he paid not 
the least attention to the 100 or so girls 
his department at Bletchley. Instead, 
he devised a telephone scrambler that 
baffled the Germans, who had been 
listening to the transatlantic conversations 
of Roosevelt and Churchill, And he 
pioneered in developing for code-breaking 
purposes one of the world's first program- 
mable computers, called the corossus. It 
abled Bletchley to read many German 
Gipher-machine messages that otherwise 
would never have gotten to Allied com- 
manders in time to be of usc. 

But this is the era of the corporate man 
and of tcamwork. As science, where 
rch a problem, whole 
lysts may attack а 
gn cipher system, and most 
colorful as dentists or engine 
NSA, code breakers work in offices 
those of an insurance company. In large 
rooms, cach devoted to a particular world 
region, country or foreign-government 
anch. stand rows of flattopped. gray 
1 desks. The cryptanalysts bend over 
them, scanning printouts, testing with 
colored pencils solutions on square-ruled 
paper, lipping the pages of some refer- 
ence book. They confer, stare disuactedly 
sly and 
sometimes yelp with joy. Each man i 
constantly эсти ig the intercepts for 
some quirk, some irregularity, some pat- 
tern that constitutes the chink in the 
rmor of the cryptogram. During World 
War Two, an English woman cryptanalyst 
sensed something odd about an luli. 
intercept. She quickly spotted it: The 
pagelong cryptogram had no Ls. She 
knew that the Italians had been trans- 
mitting fake messages in an attempt to 


bro 


out the windows, scribble fu 


deceive the English. She knew, too, that 
this particular cryptosystem precluded any 
letter from representing itsel[—in other 
words, an A in the original message could 
not become am A in the cryptogram, 
though it could become any other letter. 
The fact that this intercept had every 
letter except L therefore. meant with 
a high degree of probability that the 
original message was a dummy с " 
only of Ls. On this è broke into 
the system. 

The human аур 
one with a cipher br 
today the basis of code break 
something still often comes dow: 
fitting of a half-remembered 
incompletely solved message. 
human being can do that. But computers 
help greatly. They can count torrents 
ol letters at high speed, tirelessly compare 
one message with another in а search for 
repeated groups of letters, generate all 


assembled more 
computers under a single roof than prob- 
ny other institution in the world. 
number in the scores, if not the 
hundreds. And these machines are among 


the fastest and most sophisticated in the 
world. Not content with buying the 
biggest and bes computers it can 


find, NSA expands and upgrades them. 
Some years ago, it acquired the IBM 
SIRETCH. a machine so huge that only 
a few other Government agencies, such 
as the National Weather Service and the 
Atomic Energy Commission, had use for 
onc. But it was not good enough for NSA. 
The agency added а portion, called the 
bump. that was larger than the original 
computer. At that time. the typical mag- 
netic tape had only 100 “bits” to the 
inch, NSA squeezed in 3000—and then 
streamed the tape past the reading heads 
at 275 inches per second. 

NSA's extraordinary computer capacity 
counts for much of its success in the 
world of cryptanalysis, where success is 
partly a function of available computer 
time. Britain's present code-breaking 
agency, Government Communication 
Headquarters, at the western edge of the 
flowes-bedecked spa of Cheltenham, is, 
the view of one observer, falling farther 
and farther behind NS/ 
not keep up with this country’s computer 
capability. 


ecause it can- 


Although they use the most modern 
of marvels, the code breakers do not d 
п the most ancient of tricks 
getting hold of the other fellow's code. 
This is what the CI 1 ıo do with 
the Russian submarin itime scizures 
of this kind h tly in 
ayptologic history, and it is curious to 
note that the Russians were also involved 
in one of the most famous of these cases. 


ve figured frequ 


Just after the start of World War Опе, 
the German light cruiser Magdeburg 
wrecked in the Baltic. A few hours later, 
the Russians picked up the rigid body of 
а drowned German officer, whose arms 
still gripped the lead-bound codebook of 
the Imperial German Navy. The Russians 
at once passed it to the British, the chief 
maritime power, who used it to master 


the German codes, first naval and then 
diplomatic. Later, the British sent divers 
down into sunken U-boats to salvage new 
editions of codebooks. During World War 
Two, the land forces of both sides fre- 
quently captured cryptographic docu- 
ments [rom the enemy. 

Secret agents often steal codes outright. 
In August 1941, Mussolini's Military In- 
formation Service got a wax impression of 
а key from an Italian employee of the 
American embassy in Rome. The Italians 
made their own key and stole the military 
attaché’s copy of the Black Code. They 
could then read not only his messages but, 
beciuse the code was used throughout the 
world, all American military-attaché mes- 
sages that they could intercept. The most 
valuable came from the man in Cairo. He 
was in dose contact with the British in 
North Africa and daily radioed back to 
Washington detailed reports on British 
experiences, reinforcements and plans. 
The Italians picked these up, read them 
with their stolen code and used the infor- 
mation to foil British. moves. 
British planned a commando style attack 
on Axis airfields in the Mediterranean to 
reduce air strikes while they pushed a con- 
voy through to besieged Malta. The Ger 
mans, forewarned, repelled the British 
attacks and forced the convoy to turn back. 

But sometimes espionage backfires. In 
1943, the American Office of Strategic 
Services (OSS) rifled the offices of the 
Japanese military attaché in Lisbon. The 
Japanese detected this and changed their 
attaché code, depriving the Allies for more 
than a year of а valuable source of in- 
form: So governments turn to juicer 


means. 


Once, the 


ioi 


An American girl working for British 
intelligence in Washington let herself be 
seduced in 1941 by an Italian, obtaining 
the Italian naval code, and in 1912 by 
renchman, obtaining the French. The 
Russians today great efforts to 
entrap code clerks. sometimes setting 20 
men on one to discover his weaknesses 
and exploit them. The Russians do this 


exert 


not only in Moscow, and one can imagine 
the dilemma of a young and ill-paid 
Syrian code clerk in an expensive Western 
capital when approached by a slender 
blonde who promises him money and 
herself for a few inconsequential pieces 
of paper. Such clerks will seldom betray 
an actual cipher, in whose secrecy they 
drilled, pass 
over messages in plaintext. A comparison 
of these with their 
in many cases, permit а reconstruction 


have been but will often 


coded versions will, 


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of the cipher system and a consequent 
reading of future messages, 

The simplest way to obtain another 
nation's codes is to sell it one’s old code 
machines, The United States has sold ob- 
solete cipher machines to Turkey, for 
example, after carefully noting such key 
elements as the wiring of the code wheels. 


Turkey accepts this because, wanting 
mainly to keep her messages secret. from 
Russia and Greece, she gets machines 


that will do this at a price that she can 
afford. She either doesn't care about 
American eavesdropping or talks herself 

to believ in the 


Two, Britain rou 
of Enigma machines that 
used and sold many of them to onc of 
the emerging nations. Since she had read 
the n m the Forties she could 
read th the Fil ad Sixti 
and so could keep tabs on what that 
country was planning. 

Does all this mean that no code secret 
is sale any longer? Have these three Гас 
tors—the brilliince of cryptanalysis, the 
power of computers and the assistance of 
cat long last validated Edga 


m in 


construct a [cipher] of the kind which hu- 
man ingenuity may not, by proper appli- 


resolve.' 
By no means. Of the hundreds or 
thousands of coded intercepts that flow 


daily ino NSA headq 
only four percent are broken. 
ion for this apparent 


ортеп of secret 
s development may be viewed as 
the latest in the ceascless struggle between 
the makers and the breakers of codes. The 
makers, of course, came fist. Apparently, 
when a culture achi in level of 
literacy, the need for secrecy in writing 


reaches a critical point. Cryptography thus 
sprang up spontancously and independ- 
ently in the four great civilizations of 


antiquity and later in many other societies. 

Some of the early methods were bizarre, 
A Persian shaved the head of a slave, 
tattooed onto the bald pate a message 
urging his son-in-law, a local governor, to 
revolt, waited for the hair to grow b 
and sent the slave off down the road. 
Some methods were ingenious. The 
ephors of Sparta wrapped a stip ol 
her around а wooden staff, wrote their 
down its length, took oll the 
her, thus jumblinp the letters, and 
dispatched. it 
field. He wound it 


And some carly methods were simple. 
Julius Caesar replaced cach leer. of his 
message with one three places down the 
phabet, so that A became D, В became 
Е. and so on. 
iesar's. elementary cipher sufficed for 
because the first code br 


did not appear until several centuries later. 
It was the Arabs who discovered the princ 
ples of cryptanalysis. But their knowledge 
contracted as their civilization declined, 
1 not until the Renaissance did the 
West rediscover cryptanalysis. 

The new nation-states used it to read 


ie messages that the foreign ambassadors 
п their capitals were sending to their 
home countrie destine 


By the 17005, cl 
mail-opening -solving centers 
called black d sisted in most of 
rchies of Europe. Often located 
candlelit rooms of post 
mployed specialists in а 
variety of dark arts. Some deft fellows 
opened letters tracclessly, usually by sof- 
tening the wax seal and then passing a hot 
wire under it. Engravers took impressions 
of seals and then forged them. Batteries 
of secretaries took down leuers dictated 
at high speed so that they could be 
turned to the mail without mising а 
livery. Translators interpreted e 
tongues and cryptanalysts cracked for 
ciphers. 
The code breakers bas 


n 


the 
principle of letter frequency. In English. 
more 


ed away оп 


for example, the leuer E is used 
olen than any other. Su 


cryptogram of Caesar's type 
say. P: 


B becomes М: and so on— 
the most common cipher letter, 
п presume ih stands for E. 
With this as a start, you can proceed 
ather as if you were solving a cross. 
word puzzle. You fill in what you know 

rest. The word efc? might 


cy help. 
nt letter in Eng- 
T. Three common letters that rare- 
ly contact one another are A, O and L 
A high-frequency letter that follows vowels 

a four fifths of its appearances is N. 
The letter that often precedes 
them is H. Pairs of letters have distinct 


most 


guises as easily as you spot friends at a 


masquerade party. 
This principle placed a mighty weapon 
a the hands of the code breakers. The 
with devices 


of their own. The tussle went back and 
forth, with cipher inventors tinkering 
with their systems to fill the chinks 
probed by the cryptanalysts, but with the 
code br 

The cryptographers quest for their 
Holy Grail, the unbreakable cipher, led 
t one point to a system that amateurs 10 
this day believe to be the only one that 
cannot be solved: the book code. 

During the American Revolution, when 
Benedict Arnold was negotiating to betray 
West Point to the British, he at first е 
coded ssages by means of vol- 
ume one of the filth Oxford edition of 
Blackstone's famed legal classic, Commen- 
taries on the Laws of England. Arnold 


ers usually on top. 


his 


searched for the plaintext words in the 
book and then, when he found each one, 
wrote down its page number, line number 
nd word number in thc line. General, 
for example, was 35.12.8. But some words 
took a lot of hunting. Arnold did mot 
turn up militia until page 337. Others 
he could not find at all but had to spell 
out, using the same system for letters. The 
«ode proved so cumbersome and ti 


Undoubtedly 
ble. 


nion of the telegraph а few 
years Later intensified the struggle between 
the makers and the breakers of codes. 
But it was radio that brought the struggle 
to a climax, For radio, theoretically, pre- 
sents the enemy with а copy of every 
message that is transmitted. How much 
this helped the code breakers first became 
evident in World War One. Battle after 
battle was decided by the intelligence ob- 
tained from а lysis. At 9:05 Pt. on 
pril 98, 1918. for example. American 
monito cepted а coded German 
sape. Cryptanalysts at headquarters 
quickly broke it, discovering it was an 
order for an attack at one лм. Half an 
hour before the assault, the doughboys 
were warned—in time to repulse it. On 
the eastern front, declared a high German 
ма officer, "We were always warned by 
the wireless messages of the Russian stall 
of the positions where troops were being 
concentrated for new undertaking. 
Only once during the whole war were we 
iken by surprise.” Major Joseph O. 
Mauborgne of the U.S. Amy 
Corps, 36 years old, was himself 
analyst of some expertise. 
Mauborgne took. 
ideas that were floating around 
bined ih he result was 
could never be solved. 
works like this: 
with, you must have a key. 


any 


ур 
arly in 1918, 
couple of Cryptologic 


This can be a series of lert bers 
or «естіс pulses and sp: he se- 
quence must have two properties (cach 
representing опе of the ideas that Mau- 


borgne plucked from the scientific atmos- 
phere). It must be random. In other 
words, the elements of which it is com- 
posed must have absolutely no pattern, 
mo structure whatsoever. Aud the se 
quence must be endless. It must have as 
many elements as are in all the messages 
you are ever going to send. The key must 
never repeat: no portions must ever һе 
reused in one messa 
Both sender and rec 
have copies of the ke 


ntext mesage into 
An easy way of doing this is 
to let A01, B=02, etc The mes- 
а will become 01 20 20 01 03 


To the host its half empty. 
To the guest it5 half full. 


رکا wd‏ وک 


225771117 


Raise M paa 
= = Sof givin 


MPORTEDS E 
П eee : 


Seugraus 


CANADIAN WHISKY 


ano can А 

(FROM CANADA — .. 
= 

nj CIFT-WEAPPED AT ND EXTRA CHARGE. 


П. You 
as much of your key 
you add them te umbers. (Using 
noncarrying add reduce errors 
and permit enciphering (тот lelt to 
right.) 


these numbers under 
ıs you need. Then 


write 


The sum constitutes ihe cryptogram. 
When the recipient gets it, he writes it 
out bove the key and subtracts. He со 
up with 01 20 20... , which he tur 
into "attack." 

But no third party will be able to do 
that. ‘The lick of panem and repetition 
deprives him of any handholds with 
which he could rip open the cipher. Take 
the most advantageous case: The сурс 
analyst has the actual plaintext of а 
coded intercept, He could, indecd, 
cover the key used for that message. But 


this does him no good whatsoever. Be- 
саше the ke: adom and thus entirely 

predictable, Ше cryptanalyst cannot 
determine even the next number of the 


key to use in deciphering other intercepts. 
It lies forever beyond his ken. The same 
holds а fortiori lor all the other numbers 
of the key in that message, and in all 
succeeding messages, since the key never 
serves twice 


nd error? If the 
rough every possible 
key, won't he eventually hit upon the 
right one? He will. And he will also hi 

upon the right plaintext, But it won't 
do hi 
every posible key, he w 
covering” every possible messige of the 
sime length as the uue original in е 
possible Emguage. For example, with the 
message 67 83 99 98 01 25 97, key 50 88. 
79 10 06 21 07 will yickl plaintext “ге 
while key 66 89 77 27 97 22 22 
advance." Оше 
eway,” "oranges." ^ 
yboy." Because the keys 
ng permits the crypt 
lyst to choose one over another. Ali 
he hay done through a pointless exer- 
cise is to generate a list of all possible 
seventetter words in all possible lar 

guages that he might simply have taken 
from a shell of dicti 
The then, is truly unbre 
ble. Mauborgne had achieved the dream 
all cryptographers. their version of 
the philosophers’ stone. Code ma 
other countries soon reasoned as he had, 
combined the concepts of randomness and 
endlessnes and independently created the 
unbreakable cipher, Germany did it carly 
the Twenties. Her Foreign Office em 
bodied it in its classical form, which has 
given it its name: the onetime pad. On 
two sheets of paper were typed a random 
series of numbers—the key. Many such 
sheets were then bound into two identi- 
cab pads, one for Berlin, one for the 
embassy abroa the cipher clerk 


pir 


syst 


had used a sheet to cucipher a message, 
he tore it off and threw it away. The 
decoder did the same. 

The Soviet Union, whose diplomatic 
codes had been solved by Great Brita 
during the trade negotiations of 1920 that 
led to Britain's first co 


to terms with 
the Bolshevist regime. shifted to the onc- 
time pad by 1930. Since then. no one has 
solved Russian diplomatic messages. Dur- 
ing World War Two. Russian spies, 
notably Richard Sorge in Japan, her- 
metically sealed. their radioed reports to 
Moscow with the on d. Britain's 
ign Осе was using it by 1943. and 
minimized the dumage done by 
> y's most famous spy. This 
cicero. the Albanian valet of the 
ish ambassador to T 
photographed the embassy’s most secret 
documents and sold tlem—for counter- 
feit pounds—to the Nazis. In addition to 
the information itself, the texts of the 
cablegrams normally. in other crypto- 
systems. would | ded the German 
code breakers with cribs to read other 
» diplomatic messages. But the one 
time pad rendered these plaintexts utterly 
useless to them. And so when Hitler re- 
jected the photographed documents as 
improbable, cicero’s work, а techni 
success, proved а substantive failure. 

Ш the one-time pad can thus confer 
such enormous security, why don't all 
uations use it for all their messages? 


thus 


хе pros 


Because they cannot. As with the book 
tical considerations interfere. 

her requires that the key be 
used only once. Yet in network commu- 
i especially in the di 
turmoil of war, inevitably two units will 


ле and 


simultaneously select the of 
key for use. This will lay ges 
open to solution. Moreover, the cipher re- 

ires that every message letter have its 


bute 


nposible to produce and 


sufficient key. During World War Two. 
the U.S. Army's E; heater bead- 
quarters transmitted, before the 


Non 


ady i 1000.000 five-letrer 
ups а day. И would therelore 
have consumed 10,000,000 letters of key 
every 21 hours—ihe equivalent of a shelf 
of 20 average books. The production and 
distribution of so much material was out 
of the question. 


The invention of the ultimate i 
ciphers did not, therefore, give the code 
makers complete victory over the code 
breakers. The eryptanalysts could still 
attack those ciphers that had to be used 
where the one-time pad could not be— 
and, during World War Two and the 


postwar struggles with Communist coun- 
tries, sometimes with history 
success. 


One of the most important solutions of 
all time was that of the German Е 


“OK, now let’s get you out of those wet clothes 


and get something hot into you. 


227 


ag absolute secur 
s- arms lor possible use in Cyprus, ordered dispatches 
production int by the Bi h during ac- the United States to dose down its four That is why NSA fails to solve more 
tual host is. This solution, whose sis there. Those posts, percent of the messages it inter- 


= . begun by the Poles before peeved at Congress’ refusal to give her 

o 

a 

$ solvel and translated intercepts were ig such romantic break usu соп. 
Li 

a 

А 


World War Two and raised to а m: 


y for their high-level 


nel ULTRA. contributed enor- or low-level traffic of 


ad nestled close 
july to the winning of three crucial under the belly of the Soviet Union. The major nations or the top-level traffic of 
banles of the war. In August 1940. President declared that Co eck- е smaller countries. This is whit it cir- 
ULTRA forecast hours before radar did less” action had caused "the los of stra- — culates to the officials of the State. Depart 
where the German bomber squadrons — tegic intelligence da ment and the National Sceuity Council. 
would appear over Engl. Fighter s absolutely 1t continues to intercept and моге the 
Command then concentrated its few Hur- tional security. even our survival. ajor messages of major nations—some- 
ies and Spitfires то deny the С ns as it is, however, code break- х ar Fort Meade, some- 
superiority im the Battle of Britain. not supply perfect and complete times just in cardboard boxes—in the 
From 1943 on, during the Ваше of the A- intelligence. The enemy does not put Поре that cipher clerks will err, perm 
lamic, Urea disclosed locations where everything on the air. Some plans are ting some kind of break, or that some 
th s were refueling from their discussed in conference. Some orders are © circumstance will arise. 
sent by courier. The Japs ack on tempt to recover the Russian 
Pearl Harbor came as а surprise because ine was viewed by NSA as just 
pman spy apparatus € no orders were given by radi such a chance. In fact, it was a desp 
to contol every Nazi agent on the is Of the messages put on the air. not — tion gamble. It is doubtful that the Soviet 
Land. thereby fooling the Germans about — all are intercepted. U. 5. monitors did not a is behind the United States avp- 
D day—they held an entire army. the — pick up the mes: ight have told Hy. and so it is unlikely that the 
round Calais while the real inva- them that the North Koreans were going CIA would get more from the Soviet 
securely lodged itself in Normandy. to attack in 1950 becuse they were sub's cipher machine than the Russians 
And а conflict was over and targeted instead on the more pr American cipher ma- 
the iron curtain changed down. code M more vital Russi This means. in effect. little more 
breaking retained its importance. During No agency has the manpower to а few messages. many of them prob- 
the cryptanalysis helped uly every wave length on ably personal, sent to the submar id 
spot targets for air strikes, In. Vi the radio spectrum. And, finally, of the probably none from it. since the essence 
radio intelligence was the only ¥ messages intercepted, not all arc solved. ОЕ its mission is to remain silent and hid- 
vali nce that the U During World War Two, Germany's den in the depths of the se 
Amny Group North intercepted 46.342 Why. in view of these generally medi- 
cryptograms opposite Leningrad in the 13 ocre results, does NSA persist? Why docs 
mouths beginning in May 1943. Crypt it bother to read the systems of these 
Пум solved only 13.312. or 28.7 per- minor countries? One reason. of course, 
cent. Here, too, lack of manpower was is that cryptanalysts. like other mortals, 
SA cracked some undoubtedly in factor. But the want to protect their jobs. Their motiva- 
ed their codes before tion may be even stronger than most, 
1 collected the quantity since they cannot readily wansfer their 
eded to crack them. skills wo the civilian sector. Another is 
herent limitations like 1 NSA gives the policy makers a certain 
uthematics and elec assurance that theyre not missing any- 
ng. These small countries may sudden- 
ly become important. someday —witness 


cover 


m howe: 


would get from 


not т 
During the Cold W. 
of the codes of more than 40 nations, Russians also cl 
ong them Italy, Turkey. France. Yugo фе Germ 
Мама, Inde Uruguay and half a 
dozen countries of the Near Ea In addi 
n my desk.” one former NSA сури these, adv 
analyst declared, “all ihe deciphered 
commu ions between Cairo and its — usefulness of code br : 
the past decade, 


embassy in Moscow rekiting to the visit of М cians — Korea. the Congo. Vietnam. Most of the 
the UAR. government mission to the have developed powerful new formulas — interceprs arc admiuedly of litle interest 
USSR. in 1958 for the purpose of pur- ag keys. So complex are these or importance, the operation is admittedly 


chasing petroleum in the Soviet Union." formulas that, even given à ayptogr: 
Henry Cabot Lodge. then United States next, the ayptanalyst would 
Ambassador to the United Nations, once Need centuries—even with all the world’s 
expressed his appreciation to NSA for Computers of this and the next gener 
information about the instructions sent OO rece 
by the Near East governments to tli the reca 
UN misions (The presence of the 
United Nations in New York makes it 


a bit of a lux: waste, but the 
5 can and it docs 
provide a margin of safety, so why пор 
The real question, however, is whether 
js worth the billions spent on it 

The answer depends on what the 
попсу would otherwise be used for. If 

were 


ames along. In 
ciphers are not unbre 
time pad is. In practice 


the Governm 


spend it on 
some more jet fighters or ICBMs, prob- 


they 


casy for NSA to intercept. member. n: т n ч 
н 2 адата), б A Шан Seite formulas аге embodied in electronic ably the NSA investment is better. Intelli- 

ЧУ IT E cipher machines, such as the United States’ gence is cheap. and. cost-effective. IL can 
Department official was always glad to үү 


ad KW, which include a often save more than it costs. But if the 
further security feature, Each machine has — Government were actually to spend the 


goo Mone good. Оше он ‘awe to йаа] why чыш e dict mi NI CEA These dep money on schools and hospi 
E sealing neal thew well o se der or investment is probably 


us coumnies.” he said, "and I quick- ina O EDE reme dne 
bene depends 
ly learned which ambassadors 1 could messages sent to and from tl 1 strengt 
т à far less upon its secret intelligence than 
trust and which noc". And when, every ти д | 
7:45 on its erial resources 
moming it 7:35. Licutenant General са РТТ n 5 T res bie 
А 5 No doi alance is best. The proble 
Brent Scowcraft takes President Ford the й А ч d 3 сеце 1 ie un as 
N istos nd this depe: 
latest intelligence, included are sol D str pps nd this depend 
gely on the wisdom and determination 


om NSA. are becoming increa viden пыз о à 
How Ford feels about the work was other nations of the world. p! пуз leaders, and of its people. 


228 underlined this past summer. Turkey, that more and more countries are achiev- Ba 


эсе the man with the locked briefcase 
who brought around the intercepts. “I 


After kicking around everything 
Га heard about smoking, I decided 
to either quit or smoke True. 


I smoke True. 


King Regular: 11 mg. "tar", 0.6 mq. nicotine, 100's Menthol: 13 mg. 
"tai", 0.8 mg. nicotine, av. per cigarette, FTC Report April 775. 


The low tar, low nicotine. cigarette. 
2 ` Think about it. 


Warning- The Surgeon General Has Determined 
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. 


PLAYBOY 


230 


SECOND RAPE OF THE WEST (continued from page 194) 


is already overcommitted to agricultural 
and local municipal usc: it was, in fact, lor 
this purpose that the Glen Canyon Dam 
was built, together with secondary dams 
in Utah, Colorado and New Mex 
The proposed power plants will req 
enormous quantities of water, primarily 
г cooling purposes Since no surplus 
is available, the water will have 
to come from sources presently allocated 
to agriculture. That means, of course, 
smaller food supplies and still higher 
food prices. This touches on the proble: 
but the dislocation of ground-water sup- 
plies by mining may have more serious 
long-term effects. drying up some wells and 
streams, polluting others. on which the In- 
dians, the farmers and the caule growers 
ol the Southwest now depend. 


The Four Corners Power Plant near 
Shiprock. New Mexico, may be the worst 
single industrial polluter in the world. 
rhe smog from the Four Corners plant 
drifts on the prevailing winds as far as 
Durango, Colorado, and down the Rio 
ade Valley of New Mexico to obscure 
skies above th istoric towns of s. 
Fe and Albuquerque. Despite years 
of protest, the utility company has done 
almost nothing to abate this public nu 
ce and menace to health. Yet several 
of the same people who built and operate 
the Four Corners monster are now in- 
volved in the building of the Navaho 
Generating Station at Page, almost on the 
shore of Lake Powell. one of the most 
scenic and. popu ational areas in 
the Southwest, 

With the help and/or interest of the 
Bureau of Reclamation. the Los Angéles 
Department of Water & Powel 
Gas and Electric and other util 
other combine consisting. of 
Public Service Company. Southern Cali- 
fornia Edison Company and San Diego 
Gas & Electric Comp: third 
power plant in the area of the Kaiparowits 
Plateau, a presently uninhabited wilde 
d canyons within visual 


, but either of 
ants presently under consider: 
yade the quality of the air i 
is a relatively unpolluted region. As 
this Kaiparowits plant will pro- 


present Nav: 
АП of these Southwest power projects, 
ial, violate the Iaw of the 

ng to the provisions of the 
Clean Air Act of 197 passed by Con- 
gress and signed by the President, not 


only must the air of industr 


but also, 
haps more 


nd equally important—per- 
mportant—the air of по! 


industrial reg 
the intermountain West 
plains, must be kept as is: clean. 
intent of the act was to prevent uti 
ial concerns from build 
plants in rural areas where the 


ions, such as the Southwest, 
nd the Northern. 
The 


violation of the act is exactly 
what the power companies, the mining 
corporations and the public utilities hope 
то get aw h. Although. almost all of 
1 
nd South- 
ern. Californ the mini d burning 
of the coal will take place in northern 
Arizona and southern Utah, where a small 
and docile population is being cajoled 
into giving up its birthright of fresh air. 
clear skies and open space in exchange for 
а few thousand temporary jobs. 

The coal could be mined and shipped 
by rail and truck to Southern. California 
and the big cities and burned there, at 
the place of need. Such a policy, while still 
damaging to the canyonlands 
Indian country, would at least 
nondegradation of one of America’s 
lange reservoirs of pure air. Local citi 
who want the jobs that coal mining would 
create but who are opposed to the air 
pollution resulting from power plants 
have proposed this alternative to present 


the energy produced will be consumed 
Tucson, Phoenix, Las Vegas 


The public 
power combines, 
i of the coal so that 
ity standards im- 


te burn 
they can escape air-quz 
posed on the cities. 
From the energy industry's point of 
view, it is more profitable to transport 
electricity long distances, via power lines, 
than to transport the 
for the sophisticated technology req 
to dean up their urban-area power plants. 
The economics of the matter are more 
indicates, 


ility rates are set and the 
ive ease with which certain costs c 
cannot be passed on to the consum, 
and power transmission are relatively casy 
to pass along, while other costs, such as 
mprovements in pollution technology 
1 the recovery of larg vestments 
leases, are considerably more 
ult—if not sometimes impossible). 
But the essence of the case is monetary 
profit: With profit margins fixed by state 
at a percentage of total 
ment, it is more profitable for the u 
and their stockholders to develop their 
business to the largest scale and volume 
posible, no matter what the cost to the en- 
vironment and the health of the citizenry. 

The Environmental Protection Agency 
(EPA) t of Congress 
to oppose exactly such degradation of air 
quality as the power combines are bring- 
ng into the Southwest. The EPA, how- 


ıe 


ever, blandly ignores the law and refuses 
to perform its clearly defined duty on the 
curious ground. that. enforcement. of. the 
law, in this case, would “retard or prevent 
dustrial development” in presently non- 
industrial areas. This may well be true: 
and it might well be a wise national 
policy to restrict or ban industrial devel- 
opment in areas that have a higher value 
for other uses. such as agriculture and 


human recreation. 
Whether or not tru 
not wise, industrial developmi 
the concern of the EPA. The 
is to protect the en 
sist 


e, and whether or 
at is not 
EPA's job 
ronment. not to as- 
a promoting its further industriali: 
Apparently, the EPA is obeying in 
i s congressional m: 
date but orders from higher up—from the 
Federal Energy Admi ion, the Fed- 
eral Power Commission, the Department 
of the Interior and the White House— 
that conglomerate of Federal agencies and 
€ powers i ph 
Nader's words, as the “indentured serv- 
ant" of corporate industrialism. 

The EPA has been taken to comt by 
citizens’ conservation organizations in an 
effort to compel it to obey the law and 
live up to its obligations. The Federal 
courts have ordered the EPA to enforce 
the policy of nondegradation of air qual- 
ity. Appealed by the EPA to the highest 
court, the orders of the lower courts were 
sustained by the Supreme Court of the 
United States, which ruled that the EPA 
may not allow “significant deterioration” 
of air quality anywhere. 

No matter: the EPA continues to avoid, 
evade and defy the law through various 
ruses, the latest of which is the drawing 
up of a complicated national map of air- 
quality "zones" and turning the problems 
of selection and enforcement over to state 
governments In Utah, Arizona, Wyo- 
ming, New Mexico and Nevada, we know 
well what that means: domination 
exploitation by the extractive industries— 
the coal. oil and power combines. 

Not only do our state politicians fail 
to resist these alien forces. they bid against 
one another to invite them in. Our good 
old boys would se Ў 


nd 


k buck out of 
crooked as a dog's hind leg, 
tricky as саг dealers, greedy as hogs 
t the trough, these men will sell out the 
West to big industry as fast as they can, 
without the faintest stirrings of conscience. 
Governors, U.S. Senators, Congressmen 
and our chamber-olcommerce presi 
dents don’t give а hoot in hell for future 
loses: they figure, rightly, that they per- 
sonally will all be dead by the time the 
extent of the disaster becomes clear; and, 
s for posterity, they 1 has pos 
terity ever done for th 

So much for the c 
and Arizona: noth 
id, anyway. as any local Jaycee will tell 
you, nothing but sand and dust and heat 
and emptiness, red rock baking under the 


ds of Utah. 
rren waste- 


“1 lied to you, Armando—you're not my first daredevil of the air!” 


231 


PLAYBOY 


232 Chet Huntley, is an all.electric comn 


d hungry vultures soaring on the 
air. Quite so, men, quite so: nothing but 
cmyon and desert. mountain and mesa, 
all too good for the likes of us. Let us 
voll on northeasterly, into Wyoming and 
Montana, for a look at the next big rape 
on the schedule. 


I drove north and east into historic 
South Pass, through which the pioneers 
had made their way on foot, on horse and 
in wagon trains to Oregon and California, 
led by legendary mountain men like 
h Smith. At the summit of the 
piss. 1 crossed the continental divide, leav- 
ing my trail of empty Schlitz cans by the 
roadside (to be recovered later). Bunches 
of pronghorn antelope watched my prog- 
ress: I'd scen at least 30 small herds of 
those elegant. beasts since entering Wyo- 
ming, all within sight of the paved 
highway. 

In the high. cold mountain town of 
Lander (population 7500). 1 stopped for 
a few hours to visit the people who write, 
ed 


and produce the only newspaper in 
re Rocky Mountain West. con- 
cerned primarily with environmental. is- 
sues, The High Country News, founded 
years ago and published by mative 
Landerian Tom Bell, is a biweekly of 
small circulation but widespread coverage, 
ing with the whole range of develop- 
mis that threaten the people of the 
West: strip mining, power plants, air 
pollu diversion, urbanization, 
р. Cear-cutting, land specula- 
tion and other issues. 

In the cubbyhole office of the News, 1 
found Joan Nice, Bruce Hamilton and 
Marjane Ambler. These young people, 
none of them looking over 30, make up 
the entire editorial staff of the newspaper. 
They pay themselves а monthly salary of 
5300 cach—enough for rent and beans 
and shoes. Though many of the feature 
articles published in the paper come 
from contributors, the staff writes the bulk 
of it, 16 pages every two weeks. 

Armed with d addresses, I 
went on north to Billings, Montana. In 
my room at the Gene zuster hotel, I 
watched a TV commercial sponsored. by 
the Montana Power Company promoting 
the attractions of strip mining, power- 
plant construction and extr-high-voltage 
(EHV) transmission lines, 


the € 


names 


call on Roger 
ihe Wester 
ту of Mon 
» Power. With him was Mike Grende, 

i for the same outfit. 
cously. they explained 
to me why Montana Power wanted more 
strip mines, more power plants and two 
new EHV lines across the length of Mon- 
tana—some 410 miles at 500 kilovolts. 
Why? To meet anticipated growth in in- 
dustry and population. Eg, Monta 
Big Sky resort town, founded by the 


Patiently and com 


ad, by itself. if all goes according to plan, 
vill require more electricity than any city 
now existing in the state. The transmi 
sion lines, by tying in the power complex 
in eastern Montana with the Northwest 
power grid of Oregon and Washington, 
would cnable Montana Power to transler 
energy to the mb: s of Seattle, Pu 
get Sound and Portland, where the need is 
greatest. Why there? Aluminum manu- 
facture, they s on growth: the 
aerospace industry; the new methods of 
irrigation; а 12 percent annual increase 
in power demands in the Northwest 
a whole. Why not ship the coal by r 
truck or slurry line to Seattle, 1 asked, and 
let the power companies bun it there, 
pollute their skies? Because, they told me, 
it is more economical to transmit the 
power by high-voltage cable than to ship 
it in the form of coal. So Мон to 
be sacrificed, I said, to the energy needs 
of the Northwest—and of the Midwest, 
much of the electrical energy 
Iso be tanslerred. Rice replied 
t we've got to think of the greatest 
good for the greatest number. The few 
(Montana's presently small and until now 
lucky population) cannot be allowed to 
obstruct the needs of the many (the teem- 


ing millions of Washington, Oregon, 
Calilorni Michi Minnesota, Iowa, 
Illinois, Ohio, etc.). Besides, said Rice, the 


energy industry will give the Montana 
economy а much-needed shot in the am 

I didn't argue: you don't argue with 
engineers—you have to derail them. Why 
the T Vadvertising campaign? I asked; if 
this deal is good for the people of Mon 
tana, why do you have to spend so much 
(tax deductible) advertising money in sell- 
ing it to them? We're spending only 
$100,000, said Rice, and the program ha 
been well received by the public. But why 
t necessary? Because there are some 
wellmeaning and concerned people i 
this state, he acfully, who are not 

йаг with all the facis and have been 
misleading the public. Who are they 
small group of 
тапа (site of the st ng) called the 
Northern Plains Resource Council. Later 
the same day, I would learn that the stall 
members of this ad hoc resource council 
are paid, like my friends down in Lander, 
00 per month each. Three hundred dol- 
Tars per month seems to be the prevailing 
salary of conser tivists. This sug- 
gested my final, u inclevant argu- 
mentum ad hominem questi uly 
how much, I asked Mr. Rice and My. 
Grende, did Western Energy pay them 
for the use of their talents? 

None of your business. they explained. 
took a flight ove 
Basin, the area in 
and. north 


In the afternoon, I 
the 


Powder River 
east Montana 


power 
coal liquelact 
scheduled to 


generation, coal gasifica 
m is taking p 


ake placc—if pei 


on and 
kc or is 
ied. My 


uide was а young man from the North- 
cmn Plains Resource Council. Due east 
from the city of Billings. we flew over the 
Sarpy Creek strip mine, operated by West- 
апа Resources (a partnership consist- 
ag of Westmoreland Coal Company, 
Penn Virginia Corporation, Kewance In- 
dustries, Inc, and Morrison Knudsen 
Company, Inc., one of the world’s largest 
construction companies). and saw the black 
gash already cut in the grassy hills. Down 
in the open pit stood a GEM—Giant 
rth Mover—with its 60-cubic-yard buck- 
et, big enough to lift two Greyhound buses 
into the wrrounding the str 
were wheat fields, subirrigated hayfields 
along the watercourse and cudless roll 


һ the sere brown, short. 
tough native grasses that make, according 
to Montana ranchers, the best cattle feed 
in the world. Where the land is too arid for 
conventional 
а beel-growing 
part of the region where the Ame 
bison once roamed in herds of thous 
We turned. southeast, across the 
and Northern Cheyenne Indian reserva- 
tions (also facing strip mining and indus 
trialization), toward the towns of Decker, 
Acme, Sheridan and Buffalo. the last three 
in Wyoming. More strip mines, more GEM 
machinery, new roads and railways, new 
ler slums. If the Ford Admi 
d the energy combines have their way, 
some 10 to 15 coal-burning power plants 
ll be erected in this region between 
Billings, Montana, and Gillete, Wyo- 
ming. Never mind the opposition of the 
people who make their living here now. 
1 recalled something that senior geologist 
Rice had remarked during our intervie 
"Public attitudes will change," he sid, 
1 а few power blackouts." 
We flew north, across th e dine 


plains covered w 


Crow 


st 


ad over Birney and Colstrip, pass- 


ing the strip mines of Peabody Goal (soon 
to be far bigger than the one at Black 
Mesa) and the conglomerate of Montana 
Power, Puget Sound Powe 
Washington W; Power, Port; 
eral Electric and Pacific Power & Light, 
which is developing the Colstrip m 
Ой to the southwest, bevond the sn 
and dust of all this fresh activity, the 
snow-covered Bigho ше loomed 
against the sky, still visible 50 miles away. 
If dhe proposed power pl 
built, those mountains will no longer be 
scen from so great a distance. 

We passed over the Bull Mountains, 
north of Billings, one more prosperous 
ranching area under the cloud of King 
Coal, then returned to the Billings 
рон. What had 1 seen in this brief aerial 
survey? Mountains, forested foothills, 
tawny grasslands stretching for hundreds 
of miles. silver rivers, winding streams 
lined with willow and coıtonwood trees, 
green hayfields, ranches, homes, small 
towns—the traditional American version 
of the good life. And the snip 

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PLAYBOY 


234 


scale, the magnitude of the planned as- 
sault. Including the lignite deposits of the 
western. Dakotas, the coal-development 
proposals take in some 250.000 square 
miles. Beneath that surface lie an esti- 
mated one and a half trillion tons of coal, 
about 40 percent of total U.S. reserves 
(most of th 
perce 
the Midwest). Thou 
(heat) content than 
Northem plains deposits are also lower in 
sulphur content, which makes them attrac- 
ndustry under pressure 
to lessen air pollution in urban centers. 
To develop this energy resource, the 
5. Bureau of Reclamation and a par- 
pating group of 35 public utilities 
pose not only vast suip mining in 
g Montana, North Dakota and 
South Dakota but also the construction of 
49 mine-mouth power plants to convert the 
coal to clectricity, together with add 
plants for coal gasification and liquefac- 
tion—synthetic (исі The power would 
be sent East and West through thousands 
of miles of 765-kilovolt transmission 1 
A single projected 10.000-megawatt power 
plant would be five times bigger than 
w Mexico's Four Corners Plant. The 
water needed for these planned develop- 
ments would total 2,600,000 acre-feet per 
year. Where will all this water, an amount 
exceeding by 80 ре the present mu 
nicipal and industrial needs of New York 
уз 8.000.000 residents, come from? 
From the Yellowstone River, on which 


lower in B.T.U. 
stern coal. these 


the agricultural economy of the region 
now depends. Through an elaborate. sys- 
tem of dams, storage rese pump 


stations and aqueducts—to be built, of 
course. by the Bureau of Redamation— 
this water project would divert from the 
Yellowstone one third of its flow in good 
(wet) years and one half in bad (dry) 
years. 

Coal requirements for the 1980 goal of 
50.000 me; tts would be 210.000.000 
tons per year, stripping 10 to 30 square 
miles of range- and farmland annually. or 
a total of 350 to 1050 square miles during 
the projected 35-year life of the power 
plants, At the 200,000-megawzut level. the 
strip mines would consume from 
5s of sur 
The 


transmi: 


total of 4800 square m 
The ozone zone. Power losses from the 
lines would approximate 3000 megawatts. 
equal to the present с peak-demand 
requirements of M 

If carried out, this plan will create a 
population influx of up to 1.000.000 
people in the Northern plains, а number 
almost as great as the current popu 
of Wyoming and Montana combined 
(1,094,000). A dozen new 
would revolutionize the style, not to say 
the quality, of life in the region. The 
5 would generate. pollu- 
t of Los Angeles 


towns, 


“So my husband said, ‘Screw the mailman. Let's not 
give him any money this Christmas! ” 


з (assuming pollution-control cf- 
99.5 percent) of 100,000 tons of 
xe matter—lly ash—per year. 


ing sulphuric 
of nitrogen oxides, plus trace elements of 
selenium, arsenic and mercury. 

Who's to blame? 

1 asked that ques : 
а crusty old rancher from the Bull Moun- 
north of Billings. Charter is one of 
the supporters of the Northern Plains Re- 
source Cou He was also, he told me. 
once a fellow rider with the present junior 
Senator from Wyoming, Clifford Hansen, 
and Hansen, he said, is “one of the 


1 of Boyd Cha 


we quote you on that? I asked. 

"You can write it in PLAYBOY in cipi- 
tal letters,” said Charter. "When it comes 
to who's to blame for tearing up the 
Northern plains and the West in general. 
my old buddy C the biggest son of а 
bitch in Washington” 

Why pick on Hansen? I asked. 15 he 
any worse than Stan Hathaway (briefly 
of the Interior 
te fight for confirmation)? Or 
Senators Garn and Moss of Utah, 
ors Goldwater and Fannin of Ai 
Governor Rampton of Utah, Con- 
gressman Steiger of Arizona and about half 
а dozen others in our Western Dirty Doz- 
Don't they qualify, from the conser 
sony of bitches, 
parter and I had a bit of discussion 

ining. out of 
his own politi 


President Ford's Secret; 
after а Sen 
look 


régional loys 
the worst. 

є Moss, Gam and Rampton, 1 
АП three are backing the 
project to the hilt. All three are doing 
their best for the power industry, the min- 
ing industry, the oilshale industry, not to 
mention such inddentals as commercial 
tourism and building freeways through 
the canyon-country wilderness. Utah, I 
pointad out, is the only state in the moun- 
п West without a single acre in the 
Wilderness Preservation System, 
Rampton and Moss, together with 
decessor Wallace Bennett, must be 
full credit for tha D 
They even oppose wilde 
tional parks. Our man € 
gh he's been in office for less 
me by 
lands be 


n. I said wi 


pride, thoi 
than a year, 
openly advoca 
transferred to pri 

He knew about that, Charte 
but you still cnt be: 
Old ЄНЇ, he votes for the Highway Trust 
Fund ew inst the L 


mirol bill. 
which would protect the surface rights of 
ranchers and farmers from the coal com- 
panies. Against requiring »mental- 
impact statements in coal and natural-gas 


In Scandinavia, cologne 
is more than a luxury. 
It is another means of 
celebrating the body. 


Success, to the Scandi- 
navian male, never comes 
at the expense of one’s 
physical 
well-being, 

Which 
is why many 
of our suc- 
cessful men 
treat their 
bodi 
much care, 
and enjoy- 
ment 

It is even so when they use 
cologne. For that, too, shows a 
certain regard for the body. 

In this way our Капфп Cologne, 
with its imported Swedish essences 
and unique Scandinavian fragrance, 
is used and enjoyed by such men 
everywhere. 

Because, to them, self-regard 
is more than a mere luxury 

It is an absolute necessity 


m 


PLAYBOY 


236 


Alive with pleasure! 


if smoking isn't 
a pleasure, 
why bother? 


Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined 
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. 


leasing. Against the Clean Ай Ач. 
Against the Wild and Sc ers Act 
For converting and extending a small air- 
nd Teton National Park to 
handle jet traffic. Against the Freedom of 
Information Act. According to a score 
sheet compiled by the League of Conserv 
tion Voters, Hansen voted wrong 92 pc 
cent of the time on environmental issues. 


strip in € 


According to the same kind of score she 
tallied by the U.S. Chamber of Com- 
Hansen voted. right 95 percent of 
the time. ‘That shows you who he works 
lor 

Not bad, I agreed, not bad. But take 
my own Congressman, Sam Steiger of Ari 
He has voted the same wa 
your friend Hansen and, besides 


mer 


гопа 


on every 
issuc 


that, still wants to build a dam in the 
Grand Canyon. led the fight in the House 
int the Land-Use Planning bill. 
against mas-transit. bills and. against wil- 
derness preservation, He's the опе who 
helped the Bureau of Land Management 
get control of the Kofa wildlife reserve. 
which was a move for mining 


ag 


and а 
rn shecp. Our Sam, he's some 
special 

ОК. said Charter, but our Clilf is the 
oilman’s oilman, When everybody else 
wanted to eliminate the depletion allow 
ance for the oil industry, our Cliff wanted 
10 raise it. He wanted to raise it for the 
coal industry, too. Hansen is doi 


м 


big 


every 


dustry 
World Oil. whieh speaks for the industry 
named Hansen “Oil's Champion.” That's 
our Senator 


The debate could h; me on forever 


cement 


as and. Democrats 
up North to Bill- 
are in general working for 
ng and energy industries 
against farming, ranching and the 
scrvationist. cause, 

Boyd Charteris amon 
landowners in the r 


. Republic 


from Phoenix, Arizon 
ings. Mon 
the mi 


the many 


been harassed, threatened i 
representatives from the coal and. power 
industries trying to buy them out or. fail 
ing that, to condemn their land, for strip 
mini "We're being raped and we’ 
ing lied to," he says. "Show me one 


be 
1e 
that's been reclaimed after strip mining. 


There isn't any. The businessmen who 
form the Economic Development Asocia- 
tion of Eastern. Mon " 
mine the high plains and then use the pits 
for a national garbage dum 

"My patriotism is wearing thin.” says 
rer. “They wanted to sell Montana 
to Japan. Some Japanese aluminum 
any had the deal all set up—they'd 
even bought loading docks in Oregon. 
We heard about it and got it stopped. 
But what's all this other coal develop. 
ment for? Well, for one thing, to help. 
make more aluminum beer cans in thc 


па want to st 


мае of Washington, They'd tear up 


the best cattle range in the world to make 
Leer cans, These native grasses we got 
here can't be restored. Sure, they can 
plant something like crested wheat on 
what they call reclaimed land: but caule 
don't like crested wheat. Or sweet clover: 
sweet dover is a weed out here! You can't 
raise beef cattle on it, Why do you think 
the Texas cattlemen brought their herds 
up here a century ago? Because of the n 
c grass—the lile bluestem. the blue 
bunch grass. the western wheat grass, the 
needle and thread. the Indian rice grass— 


that’s why. This high-plains grass is the 
next best thing to grain —and grain is too 


precious to feed to cattle any more. We're 
gonna need range-ed beef from now on. 
That's all youre gonna get. When you 
come right down to it. it's а choice between 
food and. me 


I asked Charter if he could m 
cattle business if gasoline were severely 
ationed or priced much higher. or if cl 
tricity became. more expensive. "We can 
get along without gasoline entirely." he 
said. “We can convert in a few days to the 
some kind of operation we had forty years 
go" Aud he added that he and some 
cighboring ranchers were already switch- 
ing from Rural. Elecirification. Лай 
tration (REA) power back to the old 

windmills for pumping water 
nge wells. That. he said, was his 
fist step toward Project Independence. 


Time for a visit ıo another strip mine 
id power plant. 1 drove cast from Bill- 
g> to the little town of Colstrip. soon to 
become a | dustry if the planners 
fulfill their plans. On the 


ve of 


Tor an hour of medi 
on a ridge above the Little Bighorn 
River. in the heart of the Crow Indian 


Reservation. Here Custer made his. Last 
Stand, On the memorial stone is à bronze 
plaque that reads, in part. то THE OF 


GERS AND SOLDIERS KILLED ©. . IN THE 
TERRITORY OF MONTANA, WHILE CLEARING 
THE DISTRICT OF THE YELLOWSTONE OF 


HOSTILE INDIANS. . - . АШ is quiet and 
peaceful. at the moment. The sun 1 
down on the green fields along the river, 
n-colored hills above. 


If you think the Indians would resent 


this memorial to. Custer set up in their 
own back yard, you have forgotten. thi 
the Crows fought with the U.S. 


ast it. Jt was the Sioux 
Cheyenne tribes, traditional sportin 
mies of the Crow, who shot down Custer 
nd 261 of his men, together with a few of 
his Crow se 
le and con 
ns. it worl 


ts. 


quer: It worked for the 
1 for Cortes in Mexico, 


it worked 


is now employed by the Bureau of Re 
mation and the power combine against 
the farmers and ranchers (including the 
surviving Indians) of the contemporary 
American West. If Continental Oil, Mon- 
Power or Peabody Coal can buy out 
one rancher. then that ranchers neighbors 
come under greater pressure to sell out. 
You с ise hay and cattle next to a 
strip mine, downwind from а power plant 
belching SO. imo the air. amid the fac- 
tories and furnaces of the petrochemical 
industry. Today, as a century ago. it is 
the Crow tribe that is willing to accommo- 
date itself to the advance of power—al- 
though b; ing for a stiff price—while 
iis old enem d neighbors on the ad- 
acent reservation are resist 
ing the strip miners and the air polluters 
to the end, just as they did the pony sol- 
diers, the bluecoats. the gold seekers and 
the sodbusters, The Crows had a big reser- 
vation and a relatively high per- 
come (for Indians): all th 

have is their sense of honor. 

Through the Cheyenne capital. called 
Lame Deer. and north. Approaching 
the strip mine 1 s usual, the iron 
rigs of giant draglines looming over the 
landscape, digging into the earth beneath 
a pall of dust. On the skyline were the 
„ the over 
. the 


Cheyenne 


turned se 
iginal 

with ponderosa pine standing on the roll- 

ing pla 


1 imev 


White 
who looks 
young as the S300-permonth staff. mem- 
bers of the Northern Plains Resource 
Council more harassed єх 
presion on hi project manager 
for the We п Energy Comp: Col 
strip. He told me a little about the mine 
00.000 tons of coal per year, current 
production, with 833,000,000 tons in re- 
serve, still under the ground. Two units 
of the power plant already are under 
construction, two more proposed; if the 
proposed units built, the power 


ur wens à 


arc 


ill be sent to the Northwest through the 
projected 10-mile 500-kilovolt transmis- 
sion line. White scoffs at the notion that 
ozone from the line will damage vege 
ion in the line's vicinity: d. 
that it will 
of land out of agricultural. producti 
As for the town of Colstrip itself. it will be. 
he says, a “planned community.” with 
bicycle paths, playgrounds and parks а 
new library, quality homes 
landscaped. mobile-home courts. Colstrip, 
net asset to the people 
providing he 
а supporting public 
ties through iis contributions to the tax 
- State and Federal pollution-control 
ds will be met. and even though the 
ity of air and quality of life may suf- 
а bit im the region, the national in- 
terest demands that Montana do its share. 
He showed me the tables and charts, the 
graphs, p d si s. A good, com 
petenti man, White: he cams his salary. 
Western. Energy р 
none of my business. 
p minc: that 


he says, will be 


I asked him what 


My guide was a young woman from the 
front olfice. newly arrived Irom Califor- 
nd 
asked her 
g in Colstrip. Nor 
d: she and her husband. 


ids. 


nia. As we drove over the wastel 
down into the black hole, I 
she liked liv 
. she 


how 


on when the pow 
both looked forward to 
watched hauler trucks, cach with 
pacity ol 120 tous, rumble into the pit 
and line up under the bucket of à power 
shovel. 1 looked closely at the fro 
the steel bucket: Some wiseguy weld. 
aclid. Ohio, where the machine 
ed. had spotwelded on 
the front of the bucket the motto. of his 
PUCK. 
We drove on to 
mine. where dragline ex 
sat inactive. g repair. I с 
into the empty cab. of the machi 


it was 
that d; 


nother part of the 


237 


PLAYBOY 


Build strong hands as you fight 


strong odors. 


Propellant makes up a large part of aerosol 
anti-perspirants. With Mennen non-aerosol anti 
Perspirant, you're the propellant. So you get 
only what you pay for —anti-perspirant spray. 


Squeeze onMennen 
Anti-perspirantSpray. 


Т the со 
chine, 1 thought: th 
do with this thing on the main street of 
Billings or Denver or Salt Lake or Phoe 
nix or Laramie. where all those glittering 
new skyscraper banks stand check by 
glassy check. Everywhere you go out West. 
in every town and city, the biggest, new- 
est. most expensive and pretentious build 
ings are the banks: sure sign of social 
decay. The people live in plasterboard 
boxes, in fiberboard apartments, in mo- 
bile homes of tin, aluminum and plastic: 
Dut the banks rise up in gleaming stone 
aud glass and steel, dominating the м 
rounding mass of huddled hovels precise 
ly as the me lord's castle brooded 
above his vassal village. 

As we drove back to the office. my guide 
showed me the official Western. Energy 
Company redamation plot. almost 500 
acres of formerly strip-mined grassland 
where the spoil banks had been recon- 
toured, fertilized and reseeded three уса 
before. А number of knee-high р 
hold out there, still alive, and a thi 
up growth of sweet clover. struggling for 
survival in the midst of the thickest thicket 
of Russian thistle I've ever seen. 

Ihe tumbleweeds are doing nicel 
commented, picking the stickers out ol my 
shins, and my guide smiled and shrugged. 
She didn't give а damn one way or the 
What happened to that tee? 1 


fiddled w 


rols, Splendid ma- 
k what one could 


deros: 


. dried- 


other 


238 asked. pointing to a tall smug in the mid. 


dic of the plor that might have been. 
years ago. а yellow The company 
planted that dead tree there, she ex- 
plained. 10 make a perch for hawks: 
hawks keep down the rodent population. 

That evening, 1 visited Duke McRac 
а rancher who lives a few miles south of 
Colstrip. His ranch. established by his 
wdfaher im 1886. lies directly im the 
path of coal and. industiial development 
It has been home. livelihood and a way 
of lile for three generations of the Me 
Rac family. including ско of Duke Mc 
Rats brothers and their Families. Now 
the coal companies are pressuring ther 
sell out, the Department of the Interior is 
threatening to lease the coal benc 
surface of the land (although the Me 
Raes own the kind, they do not own the 
mineral right, which belong to the Fed- 
eral Government) and their children are 
already sullering the effects of overciowd. 
cd schools, rapid. pupil and teacher turn- 
over, the sodal impact of living near а 
hoomtewa community plagued with the 


th the 


usual. boomtown problems. They already 
have 1wo power plants. under 
tion, he said. They've applied for a per- 
mit to build wo more with four more 
on the drawing boards—all 10 be built 
right there in Colsnip. Plus а coal 
gasification plant, which will take most 
ol the water ош of the ground, dry up 
the can't raise 
cows or kids sid McRae, in the kind 


construc- 


wells and streams. You 


of place the power company wants to 
make here. It’s going to be a planned 
community, I reminded him. Sure, he 
said, it's planned, all right—like they 
plan an invasion. 

1 mentioned the reclamation plot 1 had 
scen—the tumbleweed farm. Oh, yeah, he 
aid, and did they tell you about the dead 
tee they stuck into the ground for the 
hawks? Ves, I said. McRae laughed. Tha 
dead pine has been there for 50 years, he 
siid; the power company was afraid 
people might get à bad impression, seeing 
а dead wee in the middle of their reda 
mation plot, so somebody made up that 
dumb story about The 
power company lies about everything. he 


roost for hawks. 


sid; it’s so used to lying it can't tell 
the truth, even when the truth might do 
it a little good. 

Time for me to go home, whei 
longed. On my way south, d toward 
Birney, | paused at the Peabody Co: 
strip-mine turnoff to take a leak, open 
another can of beer and study my map. 


e I be- 


Two cus emerged from the mine 
and stopped: their occupants looked me 
over, suspiciously. Maybe it was m 
wrinkled truck. with the red-paper rose 
on the hood: maybe ir was the smell 
of my thermal underwear. No matter, 
they looked suspicious to me, too. Four 
middicaged men in business suits and 
hard hats in the front сат, four more i 

the second car and two of those wore the 
green business suits with brass-and-silver 
„ the badges, ribbons, collar runes 
of colonels in ihe U.S. Army. What were 
nwo colonels doing with company ollicials 
in a Peabody (Kennecou Copper) strip 
mine? ‘There is something in the juxt 
position of big business. big military and 
big technology that always rouses my mast 
paranoid nightmares, visions of the tech 
nological superstate. the Pentagon's Ta- 
tent fascism. IBM's Jaboratory torture 
chambers. the absolute. computerized tu- 
-powered global timmy of the 21st 
Century. But Бе 
mouth and ask а ıs. they were 
all gone. flashing oll down the highway 

1 stopped to see one more rancher, 

widow named Ellen Cotton. She is а beau- 
tiful woman, about 50, 1 suppose, with 
silvergray hair and the wind-burned face 
and. dear eyes (undin 100 much 
print) of one who has spent most of her 
life in the outof doors. She raises cattle 
and race horses on her Four Mile Ranch 
at Four Mile Creek, near the hamlet ol 
Decker, Montana. just north of the Wyo 


ca 


1 could open my 


ming line, Alter spending hall the previous 
day in the coal dust amd megadecibel 


was а keen 


clamor of the ship mine 
pleasure to he: ater again, to 
smell the honest smell of fresh horseshit, 
brush and hay, to hear the wind 
soughing through the trees 

Mis, Cotton lives in a land. of almost 
ful beauty. of dear streams and 
assy meadows, of reda-and-yellow outcrops 


w runnir 


. the hills and ridges topped 
with ponderosa pine. The dirt road to 
her place follows the contours of the 
land. winding from ridge to ridge un- 
der a sky still as blue as the Virgin's 
«оак: from high points on the road, you 
сап sec the snowy Bighorn range 70 
miles to the sout 
of the Interior Department call this place 
the Decker Birney Resource Study Area, 
proposing to lease it out to the coaland- 
energy combine. Mrs. Conon and her 
neighbors think it should be called (if de- 
velopment plas аге carried. ош) а Na- 
tional Sacrilice Area 

How could such а thing happen to so e 
utiful a land? We talked. Mrs. Cotton 

und he ve lived here for 20 yeas е 
having come from Sheridan, Wyoming Does shaving burn your face? And your 
Consolidation Coal (Continental Oil) hs | ufier-shave moke it feel worse? You need 
already sent its agents around to buy her | ie rer Aftor ofter-shove ond skin conditioner 
out. She refuses to sell: aud if they come | рсе TO onc proh ra 
creeping around again. she says, shes | Afa soothes and protects against the dry, 
going to run them olf with guns. A neigh. | chafing effects that sun, wind and shaving 

al 513.000.000 aud turned | have on your foce. 

it down. Mis. Cotton. says he did right: 
the land h 
posible sum of money. the grass more 


valuable than all the coal beneath it. Like 
old Boyd. Charter up near Billings. she 
save that this is the best rangeland aud the 


highest quality of grass in the county. 
And even it were not. she loves the 
land as dr is. wants to live her Ше 


west. 


be 


bor was ое 


re is worth more than. any 


here, will not sell out, will not be driven 
out. refuses to move. 
We cannot keep moving on," says 
Mrs. Cotton. "No matter what the price. rious incarnation of your own finite planet there must be, sooner or 
where could we find another place to g0? eraic self? laren. a limit to quantitative growth. № 


This is our hom 
ploiting the I 
ways used to think it di 
when you mined out one 
it out. or overgrazed it, you could move 
on to new country beyond the hills, keep 
moving West. But there are no new 


I's time we мор схе 
1. tcarin 


OMAS WOLFE. high school m 


it up. We al- You Can't Go Home Ag 
n't matter, that 


ea, ov farmed 


th student сап prove that 
їп î our production of electrical energy coi 
tinued 10 grow at the exponential rate 
of 100 percent every ten years, the result 
would be. within less than a century. 1 
United States of America in which every 


All very well. the reader thinks. for а 
few thousand farmers and ranchers to 
want to save their homes and livelihoods, 
to preserve a charming but outmoded way 


А | square foot of surface was completely pre 

of life. And it would be nice if we could à р 
places to до anymore. The land is full. Pie And Н МЭШ ЭС DRE aces, Cinpted by power plants, leaving no room 
Ws live to suy sheet wende Ge oue „КЕ ро ыны fec tall for homes. cities, farms, living space 
of what we have. There isn't going to be the canyons and rivers and mountains free 


or even graveyards. 

Obviously. the time has come to b 
ning and preparing for what econo- 
s call a steady-state economy. or ecolo 
gists an equilibrium society, one living in 
condition of balance with the natural en 
vironment that is our only source of food. 
shelter. air, water and sunlight. И we de 
зо make ste plans. we ma 
breakdown of the food-supply system. fol 
lowed by muss starvation. with bands 
of hungry barbarians prowling the ruins of 
city and countryside in search not only of 
food but of human vicims. Or we might 
sec the creation of a technocratic totali 


from pollution from a rash of new power 
chia, plants Bur America needs the energy. 
she told me, and has seen what happened Our political and industrial leaders assure 
there. She and her neighbors do not in. YS Hat the very survival of Americi as a 
tend to let it happen in their corner of KL world. power may he en We 


the Big Sky Country. She showed mea Ct Jet ош [шше be КА ыды 
sign she had made for display along the CWE of Arab poten tates. re nive morg 


А coal than the Arabs have oil. Lers dig it." 
highway. The si whole cowhide, on S d 
The assumption is that we must continue 
which the following words have been in- à 
Я down the road of never-ending economic 
scribed with а > 
expansion. toward an evergrosser gross 
NATIONAL SACRIFICE AREA national product. driven by that mania for 
ibat entails, 
igs. а doubling of the n 


anything els 
Mis. Cotton has been to App 


ppropr 


br 


о! 


THE U.S. GOVT. KECOMMENDS STRIP Growth with а capital 


MINING THE DIVIDE NORTH OF HERE mong other th 


WE LANDOWNERS ARE OPPOSED, FLLEN tion's energy production every ten years. qism that will make th 
COTTON. MRS. DAN WILSON. [IM & Expand or expire" is the essence of this hips of Stalin. Hitler and € 
кити BENEDICT. CANYON CREEK CAT- attitude, exemplified in the words of look like humane and 1 
ти кути JORDAN. CHARLES E. — President Ford in a statement to an Expo (he social order. Another Dark Age would 
JORDAN. вов & EULA EBELING- TA audience: “Man is not built to vege поп, in fact, be anything so very new. 
LET FUTURE GENERATIONS JUDGE. tate or stagnate—we like to progress ... We can avert either. pole of catastro- 

. zerogrowth environmental policies Пу phe by rhe exercise now of a little com 
Behold how rich and powerful I the face of human ANI n Far ahead of their. so-called 
am... . Would you destroy this But а child can perceive that on our leaders, as usual, the American people have 239 


PLAYBOY 


240 


already begun to put into practice the sim- 
ple concept of zero population growth 
Within the past few years, the birth rate 
has dropped to an alltime low: if the 
trend continues, the annual rate of popu- 
lation growth would reach zero by the 
mid-21st Century, with the population 
leveling off at about 300,000,000—prob- 
ably far too many people for a free society 
but better. at any rate, than the desperate 
overcrowding characteristic of Orien 
nations. 

With the leveling off of population 
growth already in sight, the next obvious 
step is a stabilization of the energy growth 
rate. This will be forced upon us, in а 


E 


mally obtuse proles 
and most ecologists have pointed 
takes nergy: the law 
shing returns is now in operz 
tion. When oil could be pumped from a 
6914-foot well in Titusville, Pennsylvania, 
in 1859, it was a cheap commodity; when 


sion) 
out. 


as to be piped through an 800-mile 
ne across Alaska from Prudhoe Bay, 
or extracted from the ocean floor in the 
of the Adantic, or shipped 
ıs all the way from the Per- 
If, oil becomes an expensive lux- 
If we are driven to manufacture 
synthetic fuels from coal or to squeeze oil 
from shale rock (a silly proposition on the 
сє of it), we shall find ourselves expend- 
ng almost as much energy in the process- 
ing as we gain in gross production. Nor 
will nuclear energy solve the problem: 
nium is even harder to find than 
breeder reactors produce not only energy 
bur also plutonium, the deadliest of all 
poisons, with a half life of thousands of 
п intolerable threat to hu- 
nd to all forms of 
ile: while nuclear fusion, the last best 
hope of the techuophiles, remains at least 
„ perhaps much farther, 
if it 
ion will 


ps forever out of reach. Even 


can 


be developed someday, fu: 


“You didn't forget the batteries for 
Grandma's vibrator, did you?” 


doubtless prove to have all the unforc- 
seen disadvantages and hazards that have 
attended most other technological in- 
novations. 

The way to zero energy growth has 
been outlined for us by the report of the 
recent Energy Policy Project sponsored by 


the Ford Foundation. Two years in the 
making, 4 Time to Choose: America’s 
Energy Future is the work of a profession- 


al stall of economists, ecologists, physicists, 
engineers and rese: ialists, with a 


panel of supporting co м includ 
such distinguished names as Barry Com- 
moner, René Dubos, Harrison Brown. 


Kenneth E. Boulding, Danicl Bell, Alan 
Poole, Ben J. Wattenberg and Robert H. 
pacalow and an 


m, law and in astry. 4 Time to 
Choose. presents various scenarios for the 
future. including the option of zero ener- 
gy growth, which can be accomplished, 
according to this study, without lowering 
the American standard of living; indeed, 
providing for continuing economic growth 
by assigning first priority to the fields of 
medicine, education, the arts and sciences, 
to basic human necds such as decent 
housing, adequate nutrition, livable cities, 
a clean, attractive, healthy environment. 
Predictably, the strongest objections to 
the report come from project representa- 
tives of energy-intensive industries—Wil- 
liam P. Favoulareas, president of Mobil 
Oil; D. C. Burnham, chairman of Westing- 
house Electric; the late J. Harris Ward, di- 
rector of Commonwealth Edison; and John 
D. Harper, chairman of Alcoa. Under- 
standably, these men get very nervous 
when the focus of debate is shifted away 
from their territory —what energy supplies 
should be developed—and onto that of the 
conservationists (how we can prosper with 
less waste). Reduced. production and con- 
nption of wasteful products is the key 10 
the whole matter. We do not have to strip- 
mine the farms, rangelands and wild lands 
of the American. West, we do not have to 
pollute the sk 1 poison the waters 
nd dam the last of our rivers if we arc 
willing to give up certain of what conv 
onal economists call goods bu 
most of us recognize as being, quite sim- 
ply. junk. Draw up your own list. Think 


ап 


wha 


of all the many things we make and buy 
but do not need. My own preliminary list 
begins with Detroit, Michigan: Who 


needs Detroit's bloated, ramshackle, inef- 
ficient and overpriced rolling ironware? 
y of supporting that army 
of crooked саг de: competent, 
gouging 5s that has been preying 
n us all for the past 35 years? 

1t is no accident that Detroit should be 
the first major industrial victim of infla- 
tion and recession. When times are hard, 
we all know one thing we can get along 
without—a new metallic mastodon from 
Chrysler, G.M. or Ford. It is time to begin 


the phasing out of the auto industry, 
igo outgrew its usefulness and 
no longer even I Put those men 


ycles that will 1 
ors that work for more than two 
openers that actually open cans. 

Junk. trash, rubbish—our 
debauched, our папи 


. Who needs. Im 
tle my beer (and lets go 
1 beer, by the 

y green апре piss) in 
mber-colored jugs 
man's hand, that rest solidly on а 
able and 


beer cans? B 
back to m 


an be wa shed out and us 


and ov "s sake, like they 
do where beer 
beg 


bad enough in black 
stripes! Who needs empty p 
all might by mercur 
amps? Who needs t 
electric razors, Winch 


glass office 
lows that cın't be 


rate тай, Бар 
buildings with wi 
opened, traer he 
and plasterboard, condomir 
cardboard walls, polyurethane 
igloos, automatic washers that are always 
breaking down, plumbing that doesn't 


es made of green lumber 
with 


ums 


nylite upholstery, synthetic 
n ersatz fibers, sour green 
oranges and acid-injected tomatoes and 
hormone polluted beef shipped from 3000 
_ frozen grape juice. incompre- 
e income-tax forms. short-life light 
bulbs. high-powa cruisers on 
every pond and stream. spray deodorants, 

йу dairy р plywood ski 
illeys of Golo- 


wa 


rado and Ut 
tion" vehicl 
Astiodomcs. 
aluminun 


Dallas-Fort Worth 
Tellon fry 


one who w 
times longer th 
le real needs go u 

. fresh, healthy food fe 
avtments for all 


minc. 


air that's fit to breathe, 
to drink, food that's fit to 
when we want it, 


some space 
100 much to ask of 
political economy? God only knows, it's 


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PLAYBOY 


242 


too much to ask of the one we've got now. 
Like my old man always says, capitalism 
sounds good in theory, but it just doesn't 
work: look around you and see what it has 
done to our country. And what it is going 
to do to our country—if we let it. 

Not that socialism is any better. Social- 
ism is worse. Then what is the answer? 
Some mixture of the two? Something in 
between? Or something entirely different? 

"That's what 1 thought about, something 
different, grumbling south to Ariza 


Wyoming. through Spotted Horse, 
lette and Reno Junction, past Thunder 
ational Grassland, past the Lara- 
Mountains and the Medicine Bow 
ins, through the Red Desert down 
gely. Colorado, and Moab, Utah— 
that grand symphony of names on the 
American land!—and on to Bluff, Mexi- 
Monument Valley, Kayenta, 
Bitter Springs, Echo Cliffs, 


House Rock Valley, up the Kaibab Mono- 
dine and across the plateau and down 
the other side toward Moccasin, Kanab, 
Shivwits, Mount Bangs, Pakoon Spring, 
Wolf Hole: home. Thinking, where they 
won't find you, yet, for a while. (Its ten 
six-packs from Custer's Battlefield to Ab- 
bey's Last Stand.) Pausing only three times 
during the whole 800-mile journey: once 
near Recluse, Wyoming, to doctor up а 
pair of bulldozers belonging to the U 
Bureau of Reclamation; once near Cisco, 
Utah, to cut down a billboard erected by 
the Utah Chamber of Commerce; and 
once near Black Mest Junction, Arizona, 
10 shoot some insulators off the power line 
of the Black Mesa & Lake Powell Rail- 
nd my conclusion, when 1 finally 
reached the Hole, was that what we need 
in our perishing republic is something 
different. 
Something entirely different. 


road. 


“Think of il! For one night he has 


complete access every 


"here!" 


TIME IS MONEY 


(continued from page 104) 

"Write me off? Harry, I'll pay back 
every sec." 

“A total loss" 

Now Harry's eyes were cold again. He 
touched the intercom on his desk, The 
voice of the girl in the outer office replied. 

“Yes, sir? 


gb 

Harry shook his hea 
walked in. looking tense. 
Harry. please. 

"Goodbye, Ton 

Harry folded his arms. Tom got up 
and left the office. Harrys cold eyes 
watched him until the door was closed. 
Goodbye, Tom. 

Tom walked blindly out of the recep- 
tion room, oblivious of the red-haired girl 
and the worried faces of the others w. 
ing their turn, He reached the street and 
leaned against the wall, his stomach 
churning. Harry had turned him down. 
Hurriedly. he pressed his right ear lobe. 

39 minutes, 11 seconds.” Ping. 

His mind reeled. He needed a drink. 
There was the handy bar next door to 
Harry's, an elegant place. Often, in the 
old days, he and Harry had had a few 


A tall man 


types who could 
whiskey or 3 hr for a boule of 
champagne to celebrate а deal. Tom sat 
on a stool at the and ordered а 


whiskey down, then 
ordered. tender, who 
inned. Не gulped it down. 


id Harry, his two best friends, both 
Two of a kind. Damn 
snobs with inherited wealth—Dick with 
over 20 years from his father; Harry with 
50 years from his grandfather, the 
pital behind his timeloan offic. He 
ordered a third whis E 
The bartender frow 
The alcohol rel 
think. The clock above the 
tick-tick. W There 
some clue to this predicament, some hope 
for survival. Tick-tick-tick. Like the clock 
in Harry's anteroom. The red. 
bottles, laughter. the hum 
ces. That brought back the memory. 
It came in a rush, floodgates opening. 
Another bar. Another redhead. Scarlet 
and emerald. That night in the motel. 
What had he given her for that night in 
bed? 2 hr was the usual fee for a girl, 
4 hr for something special, 24 hr for 
someone extraordinary. She had been 
that. Special and extraordinary. That was 
it. That girl. Get out fast and find her. 
He signaled the bartender for his bill. 
The man glanced at the tab on the bar. 
Three drinks, 1 hr 30 min, with 15 per- 
cent service charge and 15 percent tax. 
Total, almost 2 hr. Tom moved 


hand, palm down, to the chi 
sunk in the bar. When his palm was with- 
in an inch of the metal plate, he would 
feel the tingle of contact. Then he would 
say "Debit"—"Deb" was sullici 
mater how softly. Somewhere 
those tiers and rows in the 1 
"Tom's account meter would click, reg- 
istering the charge. At the same moment, 
another meter would dick, registering the 
bar's credit. 

The prudent merchants who ruled this 
land made it all that simple. Foolproof. 
At first, it was necessary for two hands to 
make contact, buyer and seller, in the 
most ancient form of agreement, thc 
handshake. Now the hands of buyer and 
seller need not touch, The tingly electronic 
act could be made across an open space 
. More hygienic that way. Or, 
in an establishment such as this bar, the 
metal plate was the seller. 

But Tom's hand not go within the 
5 mm of the metal plate. He stopped 
before the tingling contact was made. 
For he realized, just in time, that the 
cage was 2 hr and he had less than 15 
hr remaining in his account. The Бас 
tender watched curiously as Tom pulled 
ack his h 
the truth. Customers who came to this 
had no problems with a 9 hr bill. 

grinned, his mind moving as fast as 
the meters in the Timebank. 


und. He had no suspicion of 


"Charge it to Harry. We have а bet," 
he stid, managing a grin as he slid off 
the bar stool. The bartender nodded. He 
knew Tom, He knew Harry. Men like 
these often had th le jokes. 

Tom rushed out. And even 
anxiety, he grinned at the thought of how 
he'd nicked old Harry for that tab. He 
walked quickly. then ran. Had he done it 
12 He had always been one for the 
big gesture. What had he given that girl 
in bis drunken ardor? Had he pretended 
to be a man of wealth, of endless time? 
Without remembering, he knew now that 
he had done that, because he always pre- 
tended with strangers, especially with 
pretty females. What in the passionate 
moment, exchanging hot breath, those 
emerald eyes blazing into his, those soft 
legs . .. what had he given hei? 

It сате back to him, verbatim, like 
the sound of a great gong. One month. 
Not one day. Not one week. One entire 
month of his precious hoard of time. Oh, 
my God, one month! He ran faster. The 
motel was near, He would find her. He 
would get it back. Get most of й. 29 
days, at the very least. Or wring that soft 
neck until the emerald eyes bugged out. 

Such was the cnormity of that drunken 
deed, the incredible stupidity of risking 
his survival for the satisfaction of that pre- 
tense and lust, that he had blocked it all 
Now й unblocked. Now it 


in his 


out was 


came back with all the bittemess that 
such а foolish act cin engender. Yes, for 
a certainty. That was it. He could even 
hear his own voice in that passion-tossed 
bed, as he pressed her Ние hand in his 
hot palm . . . as the tingling contact was 
made, as his whole body tingled with it, 
from head to toe: "Deb . . . one month 
sweetheart. One month. angel.” Deb deb 
deb. He stopped short. shaking with the 
memory. One month? That cheap. filthy 
bag .. . 2 hr would have been plenty. 
He raced on. The motel was just around 
the corner. He still had time. Time! 

With the creation of the Timebank, 
the prudent merchants who ruled this 
nd achieved. their final solution to the 
work ethic, as well as to the credit system 
and the population boom. Work for 
time. Time is life. Life is time. 

‘The most valuable element in the uni 
me the sole currency of ex 
It had always been the most 
ble clement in ihe universe: but 
before had its value been so fittingly 
recognized, so suitably used. The element 
is time, Time measured in years, months, 
weeks, days, hours, minutes, seconds. The 


living time of man. 

Into the body of cach adult at the s 
of the system, and there 
body of each newborn infant, ingenious 
microdevices were implanted, These tiny 


rt 
the 


ter 


to 


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243 


PLAYBOY 


244 


“IPs economical, but it’s too little to screw ir 


what 1 save on gas, I spend on motels.” 


mechanisms transmitted and received. 
The bearer was kept in constant touch 
with the Timebank, Every person in this 
lind had a Time account with an i 
dividual mete noment of in 
plantation at birth, the meter began to 
tick olf the seconds of life. This account- 
persisted. without interference until 
individual reached majority. at which 


From the 


s bonus of free time. After 12 
months. cxactly—the ‘Timebank was a 
ways exact to the millisecond—the i 
dividual was on his own in the battle for 
tim 


AIL wages and pric 
time units. The wo 
37.7 hrs— 


were based on 
weck (wk wk) was 
odd amount reached by 
compromise and slide rule. Wages varied, 
depending on the nature of the job. The 
established monthly rent for а standard 
rimeni was 48.3 hr (52.6 
hr with air cond E). You might buy 
а small piano for three months’ debit (3 
то deb) or sell it for 3 mo cred, etc. 
There were millionaires who had amassed 
decades of time, all on deposit in the 
Vimebank. There were a few billionaires 
who owned centuries of time and, by will- 
ing them to lucky heirs, created dynastie 
The Timebank was not created w 
gle. But the prudent merc 
led this land had their way. Who 
could deny that time was man's most 
valuable and irreplaceable possession? 
1 hed the motel breathless, ех- 
her name? Had he 
ever known? But he could describe her. 
Not many looked like that. They would 
have a record, a forwarding addr 


one-bedroom ар 


а strug 


who r 


Then, as he reached the glass-enclosed 
bar—eureka!—there she was. Scarlet 
and emerald. Seated on а bar stool, just 
as she had been when he fist saw her. 
She was seated with a huge man. Both 
were laughing. 

“I must talk to you 
her name 

She looked at him, startled. Did she 
recognize him? The big man frowned. 

"I beg your pardon,” she said. 

"You remember me. Tom,” he said 
anxiously. 

“You must be 


Damn, what was 


mistaken,” she said 


politely. ^I don't know you 

“Don't know me? Fm Tom. I gave 
you à month,” he shouted. The bartender 
and several customers turned at that. A 


топі 


she said, "you must be 


“Go away,” said the big ma 

“Please... Juliet,” he said, her name 
coming back in a miraculous flash. “You 
must n 1 made a mistake. I 
ave you too much. I need some. Give 
Ple; 

"My name is 
you before.” she 


c. 


not Juliet. I never 
id. her eyes cold now. 


У 


He grasped her bare arm and held it 
tightly. 
“Juliet. Juliet, you are my last hope. 


Fm running out of time. 
Everybody in the 
“Get this bum 

shrieked. 

The big man leaped from his stool 
and grabbed Tom by the neck, pulling 
him away. Tom clung to her arm. She 


Out of time. 
shuddered. 
y from me," she 


came off the stool onto the floor, saream- 
ing. The big man and the bartender 
pulled Tom from the girl and threw him 
into the street. He staggered to his feet. 
The menacing figures were inside the 
glass door, shouting obscenities. Не 
moved unsteadily down the street, then 
leaned against a lightpost. He pressed 
his right car lobe. Once, twice, three, 
four times. Calling the chief accountant. 
He had never done this before. lt cost 


ien whole minutes, but he had to know 
the ruth, Exactly. 
He waited. longer than usual The 


a soft sound that was new—; 
опе, lwo, three times. T 
also new. 
“Chiefaccountant report, re account 
T-798324-N7: 3 minutes, 15 seconds.” 
Then the tolling of the bell, once. Silence. 
3 min 15 sec! He looked about wild- 
А man was coming toward him, a 


bell tolling 
deep voice, 


тап with hat, topcoat and briefcase. 
Tom rushed to him, his hand held out 
like a beggar’ 


Please give m a liule time. 
10 min. l'm runni 
ble ph 
averted his eyes 
wearing a lur jacket approached from 
the other direction. Tom ran to her, his 
hand held out, pleading for a tingly 
touch. 

“Please. 10 min. I'm running out.” 

The woman gasped, turned and walked 
rapidly away. А man roughly dressed in 
blue denims and working shoes crossed 
the street near him. 
cried Tom, rushing to him. “I'm 
Please lend me а little 


led, 


ad walked on. A woman 


anything 
The m scowled, muttered 
started off. Tom grabbed his sleeve. 
“You've got to help me. I'm running 
out. Can you hear me? Running out." 
The lady with the fur jacket and the 
man with the briefcase had stopped a 
short distance away and were watching 
Tom turned to them, shouting so they 
could h 
“Somebody 
utes . 


and 


=. five min- 


- four minutes 
А young couple approached, a girl 
with long blonde hair and 

with a guitar hung over his 
Tom took them in in 
He knew the type 
maj 


your 


id, moving toward them, 
his hand outstretched, The girl looked 
alarmed. 


ng man. 
- Please help 
d Tom. The couple looked at 
each other. 


it, those shoes. Worth weeks. That brief- 
IL you're so broke, p: 


“1 didn't think of it 
g at his expensive brief 
А professional beggar." said the lady 
“Probably has a Rolls and а chaullcur 
around the corner,” said the welldressed 


star 


ic. 


beggar. Гуе never begged 


cried Tom. 


The young girl was staring at him. Her 
young man took her arm impatiently 

“Come оп, 

“Wait, Lou, said. "He needs 
help." 

The y like a beam of 


pure light in Tom's gathering darkness. 
He moved toward her, desperately turn- 
g on the charm that had wooed and 
won a score of such girl 

Believe me . . . trust ше... TH pay 
you back double, Duc 1 
- now, darli 


need it 


now . 8 
The young man frowned at thee and 
again grasped his girl's 
Come on, he's a phony.” 
“He is, dear aken in,” 
the woman with the fui 
“He's a рю." said the man in wor 
ing clothes. "Look at that coat... th 
m.s. those shoes.” 
n tore off his coat, 
ripping the buttons. He pulled oll 
shoe and, with the briefcase, tossed the 
bundle onto the street near the m: 


m. 


^s 
Don't be 


said 


then his shirt 


Take them. Take everything T 
have ~. . for one minute . . . for one 
lousy ate,” he howled 


The girl gasped. pulled away 
her escort and moved toward Tom. 
“I believe you, I believe you,” she said, 


m 


ng her hand toward him. "I lend 
i one week,” she said 
erosity of youth 


10 whom time is endless. 

For опе precious second, Tom хакей 
at the young stranger who had appeared 
out of nowhere like a shin One 
week! T nything. Time 
live. He reached his hand toward hers, 


пе то do 


© 


to feel the tingle that meant. salvation. 
But 


the contact was not made. ‘The 
pleted. 
s the eudless rows 
and ow upon row, tier upon tier, 
clicked ed quietly. on a certain 
in a certain row, there was а louder 
clack. А дас 
t. Tom's account 

A tiny device, no bigger than а fly- 
speck, exploded in Tom's left. ventride. 
He collapsed in the street and was still. 
The young girl screamed. The others 
looked at one another, then at Tom. 

A crowd gathered. An oflicer broke 
through and knelt by the fallen ma 

"Ollicer, what is i" asked a lady 


“Overdrawn,” s: 


click. 
closed an ассои 


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All sighed and lowered their heads. 
The men removed their hats. 


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246 


PLAYBOY POTPOURRI 


people, places, objects and events of interest or amusement 


STRANGERS IN PARADISE 
"There are several ways to acquire an allover tan: You can stretch 
out on your bathroom floor with a sun-lamp bulb screwed into 
your ceiling socket, you can go up onto the roof of your building 
next spring and hope the police helicopter doesn’t fly by or you 
«an sign up for something called a clothing-optional junket to 
Tahiti that Elysium Tours, Suite 207, 1701 Clinton Street, Los 
Angeles 90026, is sponsoring. What you get for one week ($769) 
or two (5949) starting June 12 is a stay at the Club Méditerranée 
village on the island of Mooréa and the option of heading 
off to nearby, uninhabited Elysium Island, where you and 
whoever you choose to accompany you will be left to your 
own devices. Don't forget to turn over now and then. 


TOSSING IN A RINGER 
One hidden benefit of the Esselte Electronic 
Diary, a new desk calendar that automatically 
rings to remind you of appointments throughout. 
the day, is chat it lets you ignore with a clear 
conscience those bothersome events you want 
to avoid. You simply leave them off the schedule 
card in the morning and, sure enough, lunches 
with myopic Aunt Helga slip your mind every 
time. This handy, battery-powered gizmo is $100 
from the Horchow Collection, P.O. Box 34257, 
Dallas, Texas 75234, and, considering what it 
leis you avoid, it's worth every penny of the price. 


LONG JOHNS' RETURN 
What's the second best way to keep warm on a long winter's night? 
By snuggling into a pair of genuine drop-seat, butt 
flannel long johns, of course. The folks at the Red Flannel Factory, 
73 S. Main Street, Cedar Springs, Michigan (which bills itself as 
the Red Flannel Town), are selling them for $13.50, along 
with such other red-hot items as union ($6.50), granny 
gowns ($13.50) and 30-inch tasseled nightcaps ($3). They'll keep 
your bod nice and toasty while waiting up for Santa. 


As any confection freak will tell you, today's 
butterscotch ain't what it used to be. "That's 
where Weird Cedric Waggoner comes in; 
Waggoner is a man whose mission in life is to 
manufacture the world's best butterscotch—his 
Weird Cedric brand sells for $1.75 (plus postage) 
sent to London Candics, 1281 $. Main, North 
Canton, Ohio. You'll get back a half-pound box 
of delicious chewy stuff, sans artificial ingre- 
dients, that your dentist is gonna love. 


VALLEY HIGH 
They're all here—Drums of Fu Manchu, 
Dick Tracy and Son of Zorro—in Valley 
of the Cliffhangers: a S66 coffee-table 
anthology of 66 great old Republic Pic- 
tures serials. Compiling the 3000 photos 
and 150,000 words їп Clifflhangers was а 
six-year labor of love guided by айтап 
Jack Mathis. Write to him at Box 714, 
Northbrook, Illinois 60062 and learn how 
Captain America foiled the plot to destroy 
the dynamic vibrator. It's a humdinger. 
And no waiting until next week! 


BANKING ON THE STARS 
Here are a couple of toll-free numbers for 
your little black book: 800-227-4710 and, if 
you live in California, 800-792-2939. The 
voice at the other end of the line is that of 
an unusual computerized horoscope service 
called Astro-Phone and, for a prepaid 
charge of $9.95, it'll spend ten minutes tell- 
ing you everything you always wanted to 
know about yourself but were afraid to ask. 
Additional time can be bought for a buck 
а minute. Blabbermouths need not apply. 


DRUCKS STOP 
To some, the body of an auto- 
mobile is nothing but an imper- 
sonal piece of sheet metal stretched 
over a chassis. But to a fellow 
named M. J. Drucks of Oshkosh, 
Wisco it's the ceiling 
of the Sistine Chapel. Drucks 
acrylic-lacquer fantasy 
ures on cars, trucks and vans. 
Vampires, lovers, naked ladies— 
Drucks does them all, and quite 
well, too. So well, in fact, that 
he's formed a corporation, Shelbe 
Creations Unlimited, at 118 W. 
24th Avenue, and charges from 
$150 to $3000, plus traveling. 
expenses, for a finished machine. 
One original Drucks—to go! 


ALL ABOARD 
Chances are, there was once an 
American Flyer or a Lionel model 
train in your Christmas past and, 
chances are, your parents junked 
it years ago, depriving you of 
the chance to sell it, today, for a 
few shekels. Well, that train 
may be gone, but the old model- 
railroad catalogs from which 
you ordered are still chugging — 
in the form of reproductions 
printed by the Greenberg Pub- 
lishing Company, 9323 After- 
noon Lane, Columbia, Maryland. 
"Their brochure also lists a 
number of other vintage toy- 
catalog reproductions, including 
the ever-popular Buddy-L line 
of trucks and one that shows 
what Tootsietoy was doing in 
1995. It's enough to make 
а grown man cry. 


JUMP FOR JOY 
"The trouble with physical exercise 
is that the people who need it 
most are usually the people who 
want it least. Jogging is nice, but 
it's a hell of a pain, what with 
dogs and muggers. Weight lifting 
is good, but who necds a hernia? 
Well, an ex-heavyweight boxer 
named Bobby Hinds has the 
answer to all this tsooris—and he 
calls it the Lifeline Jumprope. 
Endorsed by such people as 
Bobby Riggs, the Lifeline Jump- 
rope adjusts to height and is 
weighted by plastic tubing that 
encases it. For only $4.95 to P.O. 
Box 2052, Madison, Wisconsin 
53707, you get the rope plus an 
instruction booklet on how to 
jump without looking like a 
spastic third-grader. OK, every- 
body, ready for over-and-unders? 


247 


PLAYBOY 


248 V. 


SKIING GUIDE (continued from page 110) 


has to have three different kinds 
slopes within а reasonable distance 
other. First, it calls for a highly 
le mogul slope (full of bumps, that 
s). served by a reasonably short lift, so the 
mogul bashers сап go up and down, up 
and down, doing their thing with fre- 
quent rests between demonstrations to the 
captive audience on the lift. Second, you 
need a good smooth hill. without moguls, 
for he g skating, or ballet, 
aspect of hot dogging—the turns with 
one ski lifted, skis crossed, complete 360- 
ns. etc. Of course. it should be 
visible from a lift. (What is a hot 
dog without an audience? Like one hand 
clapping.) Finally, for the aerial acrobatics 


The lifts have been closed for an 
hour, the last few stragglers chased off 
the n 


ountain by a sympathetic ski p 
wol After stshing your equipment, 
you make your way to the lodge bar, 
unbuckled boots clunking on the stairs. 
Collapsing onto a sofa near the fire- 
place, vou set about roasting your body 
10 the proper degree of tenderness. 
пе snow turns purple in the 
ing light. A girl from your morn- 
ski das takes the middle third of 
the sofa and asks if vou would like to 
warm your cockles. You offer to | 
for a round of drinks, The bartender 
is an artist: He heats the ceramic mugs 
with boiling water belore adding th 


Ss 


исит coro 
(Red Onion, Aspen, Colorado) 


54 oz. light whiskey 


Strong, hot te 
Slice lemon 
Half slice о 
Pour spiti 

Fill with tea—4 om. is 


about 


CORTINA CUP 
host vil 
5 Winter Olympics) 


1 or. апікеце 
2 ozs. hot espresso 
2 ozs. hot 


ed coffee cup. Twist lemon 
peel over it, th 
Instant 
1 collec 
ewed espresso. 


dd to cup. 
dark, 
nay be used in pl 


espresso or 


y roa 


MOUNT SNOW REVIVER 
(Serves six) 
(Snow Lake Lodge, Mount Snow, 
Vermont) 


HAWINGOU 


that cap the art of hot dogging, there 
ought to be some natural drops and rolls 
that can be used for take-offs into the wild 
blue yonder. (It’s called getting air and 
what the hor dog wants is to get more air 
so he can perform even more stupendous. 
death-cliciting flips) 

Numberone hot-dog terrain by these 
criteria lies above Midvail off the number- 
onc gondola at Vail, Colorado. Here the 
spectacular bumps of “Look, Ma 
right under the number-tlvee d 
the long easy slopes of Upper Sw 
slide under the top of chair number four. 
A skier coming down into either Zot or 
Ramshorn can be seen by everybody on 
the slopes or behind the restaurant win- 


steaming brew. Notice that he does not 
stir the drinks with a cinnamon stick: 
this is a class joint. Several mugs later. 
has been restored 10 
1 parts of your anatomy 
y е not thought about all 
day. You and your friend retire. The 
you wonder where you 
y and, alas, where you 
lost the recipe Ior that killer drink. 
Never fe there and took 
notes, Here are four cockle warmers, 
fresh from the bars of a few of our 
maje all up your friend a 
sk her over for a reunion. N 
fierward you can practice your pole- 
planting technique. 


resorts. С 


14 cup sugar 
зд cup water 
6 allspice berries 

or 3 picces stick cinnamon 
1 boule California red wine 
6 strips orange peel 

З ол. cognac 

Combine su 


‚ water, allspice and 
ion in saucepan, bring to boil 
and simmer 10 minutes Meanwhi 
heat wine in enamel pot; be careful 
not to boil. Strain sugar mixture into 
wine. Put 1 twist orange peel and 14 
ог. cognac into cach of 6 heated cups. 
Pour spiced wine into cups. div 
equally. 


BRANDY LIFT 
(Sun Valley Lodge, Sun Valley, 
Idaho) 


1 oz. Califor 
14 oz. rum 
1 level tablespoon honey 
Apple wedge, with peel 
Lemon slice, stuck with cloves 
4 ozs. hot water 
Pou 
ed cup or mu 
apple and les 
Stir well. 


brandy 


brand id run 


Stir in 
поп. Fill with w 
—EMANUEL GREENBERG 


ail—if they're looking. and 
they usually are. Between Zot 
horn, the spec 
prompted a lot of good acrialists (and 
lot of notso-zood ones) to shoot into s 
or spin. 
1 hotdog meets 
idential image: 
p down on 
dogging that's too obvious. (Zen koan 
number two: If hot dogging isn't ob- 
vious, can it still be called hot dogging’ 
Today, most ski schools worth th 
snow have beginners’ hot-dog cl i 
it a wy. The first t а come 
plete 560 turn, swi der 
you'll feel like Gene Kelly on skis. Fi 
there, it's only a short drop to a heli- 
copter turn off the nearest cliff. 


dows at Mid 


patible w 
ski patrol. will cl 


THE BEST BUNNY SLOPE 


In the bad old days, a bi 
was more of a hazing site t 
ground. The original beginners’ hill 
Mad River, for instance, is now the slalom 
practice hill. But an ideal beginners’ hill 
is an inclined. plane, white and wide and 
as flat from side to side as a lawn (except 
for a gentle swell of contour now and 
then to please the сус). The slope has to 


be perfectly maintained, machined every 
day to a consistency not too hard and not 
100 soft. Suow-making guns should be 


available to add th "eredi 
when the weather tc. 
hill should be segregated from the traffic 
of more expert terrain to keep the hot 
dogs yet it should be within skiing 
distance of larger hills, so that it's not an 


necess 


m ward. 

The ideal hill should not be so crowded 
there is ап embarrassment of colli- 
sions. It should not be too deserted— 


see others making sitz stripes and bath- 
tubs in the snow. The hill should not be 
too long or it will tire tender legs and 


falls. Not too steep. of course 
About a five- or ten-degree tilt, reasonably 
steady, so that the beginner can really 
get a taste for the effect of gravity, The 


top of the slope should be closed off from 
the main mot in. so that it seems lil 

its own world rather th 
part of the total slope. It 
plenty of them, and the chairs should 
move slowly (about half the r 
slope lies in getting on and off the 
The number of lifts, the shortness of the 


lift lines and the 
beginner сап put in 
ginner molt his ugly style 
beautiful intermediate. 


The hands-dow, 
beginners slope Vermont. 
Snowshed has the steady the com- 
plete enclosure, the meticulous machin- 
ing, the proper length (about a quarter 

mile), plus three slow chair lifts on 


Snowshed, thc 


gion makes more money о 
ts than on the others—a 


these thre 


“I'm just beginning to feel what you're trying to achieve.” 


249 


PLAYBOY 


250 


couple of dozen more—combined. Snow- 
shed has also been the backbone of the 
ington Ski School, which is the most 
successful in the nation. 

Snowshed is carefully primped. every 
morning belore a skier sets eyes оп it. 
Not only do snow-making guns cover the 
skiing surface to eliminate the unsightly 
spots (for wh tern skiing is 
justly famous) but should a single tuft of 
brown grass show through. it is gunned 
under hastily before it can emit bad vibes. 
Then the snow-grooming machines sw 


snow bunny arrives, dutching skis to 
ast, Snowshed is a picture-posteard in- 
dine of creamy smooth whiteness. Tedium 
to us champs. but hea novice 
nding trembling like a newborn fawn. 


n to а 


HONORABLE Mi 


ON 


Mole 


a. Here they don't groom their 
slopes, they microplane them. If they sec 
Че bump. pop! It's gone. Next 
best: the beginners’ slope at Sugorloof, 
Maine. This is its own world, serene, slow 
nd steadily dropping right down to the 
igarloaf Inn at the base, where there's 
always а hot toddy for а cold bottom. 


one 


ONE-BREAKINGEST SLOPE 


sort of ambiguou 


This is a ig 
ng. 


with a double mea 


at le: 


where are you likely to have a bad acci- 
dent? Second, if you do have one. what 


as the most competent and speedy 


leg break: most other baddics 
But а spiral leg break сап happ 
almost anyor time, and it’s as 


fun as recover 
an ordii in three 


months. 


lar location depends on the follo 
factors: the number of beginner and inter- 
mediate skiers per square yard during an 
average minute of the day; the number of 
trails funneling into the sime Ivi 


it ist ski tip 
у there as your body 
does а couple of revolutions, thereby en- 
suring а good spiral fracture 

The acme of agony is at Midvail, on 
fail Mountain. nearly the same location 
as the great hotdog terrain. (And you 
thought it would be some exotic steep 
chute in the Rockies!) At M l, the 
necessary factors conspire to produce a 
statistical giant among high-risk locales. 
If all the tibias sundered there were left 
lying around, the mountain would resem- 
ble an elephants’ graveyard or a mixing 
bowl of broken bones. 
This is not to say that 
tistics are worse at Vail than 


the overall 
any other 


“And that goes for smoking as well.” 


Far from it. Vail's accident rate is 
I's just that the resort. happens to 
a single high-impact area, so to 
speak. Fortunately, it happens that vou 
will probably get the best postaccident 
care at Vail. The Vail patrol is rigorously 
wained—nor only in strapping you down 
omo the toboggan for the ride to the big 
«ам party at the bottom but also in re- 
suscitative techniques to combat coronary 
failure. (Now that older skiers are going 
longer and stronger. thanks 10 moder 
equipment—five-foot sl id intensive 

E is often a co 
bone crunch.) And then 
s new and complete d 
right there at the bottom. staffed by some 
of the best bone specialists in the coun- 
(Doctors are no fools, and docto 
e even less so.) 


resor 


HONORABLE MENT 


ON 


Ru 


are 
Aspen and Sun Volley, which also have hos- 


«тушр for speedy. assistance 


pital facilities handy, Most other. resorts 
have f ther away, necessitating 


ihues fi 


longer ride. To those who think that 
broken leg does a resort doctor 
says. "Are vou kidding? It hu hell!” 


He, lor one, always carries painkiller pills 
whenever he skis. The ski patrol is not 
allowed to dispense painkiller. Ergo, the 
nearer the ies, the better. 


THE BEST SPRING 


KING 


ble, 
the flakes begin to falter. And just as you 
were getting good! What's needed 
good spring maintenance pro ap 
with an ambience that ely high- 
season, full of bustle and y—not the 
dragged-out feeling many moi s get 
in spring, The weather should be cool 
but not unpleasant, the sun ubiquitous 
(your tan should bear comparison with 

ibbean-earned variety), the snow 
(starting out from under the skis 
Tike clouds), and there should be a central 
place where you will be sure to meet those 
other hard-core sk e deaf 
lis such as " Tennis, 
nyonez" Surl who? Tennis wha 
Surprise: The Si 
win this one. Down at the bottom of the 
занде, just north of several othy 


Highest Point in the Contiguou 
(Mount. Whitey), the Lowest 
Western. Hemisphere (Death Valley) and 
the Oldest Living Trees (bristlecone 
pine). is Mammoth, no less of am ош 
phenomenon, an 11,000-foor saddle. peak 
standing all by itself, just hip deep in 
all the way down its 2300 feet 
мі early July. 
While Mammoth’s great white ridge 
fills the sky, the road will be filled with 
Gus spiuning the dust of the Mojave off 
their hubcaps. The burnished wood of the 
great glass Bauhausian Mammoth Inn will 
be sounding with the boots of instructors 


*Before we found Vat 69 Gold, 
our holiday parties were 50-50. 
Now they're ho-ho!” 


“The mistletoe missed. 
Instead of cheer, there 
was drear In short, our 
parties lacked spirits. 
Î But who could afford 
С to serve good Scotch 
Wie, ata party these days? 

"i IhenwefoundVatGold. 
It had that impressive 
Vat 69 label on the out- 

m side. What was inside 

was even more impressive. And the ыле 
tag! Buying Vat Gold was а Ё 
almost like getting a present. | 
From now on, were having a æ | 
party with Vat 69 Gold on n 
every holiday. Come to think ДЕ. 
of it, who needs а holiday?" q М 


Vat 69 Gold. The — a 31 
mobile Scotch. E tar 


Blended Scotch Whisky. 86 Proof. Sole U.S. Importer: National Distillers Products Co., New York 


ызын 


Aires 
Moman 


Robert Metz 
(Pub. Price $13.50) 
(Counts as two books) 


Edward Kuhn, Jr. 
(Pub. Price 58 95) 


Thomas Marlo 
(Pub. Price $15.95) 
(Counts аз two books) 


ayboy's 


Wi A fabulous trip around the world for you and your 
playmate! Just choose when and where. We'll pay all 
the bills up to $10,000 for each of ycu— total 

of $20,000! 

or 

W $20.000 in cash—$10,000 each for you and 

your playmate! 


Choose any four books 
for only $295 (Retail value up to $48.65) 
with membership in 
the Playboy Book Club 


The accompanying Playboy Book Club reply card 
bears an exclusive entry number that may already 
have won, for you and that special someone in 
your life, the extremely valuable prizes pictured 
from PLAYBOY'S TWO AROUND THE WORLD 
SWEEPSTAKES. 

Whether or not you have won a prize, you can 
Choose to become a member of the exciting 
Playboy Book Club at our special introductory. 
offer. Select any four books listed below (some 
deluxe volumes count as two books) for only 
$2.95 (retail value up to $48.65). Sorry, but 
enrollments from outside the U.S. and Canada 
cannot be accepted 

Your only obligation as a Book Club member 
will be to add as few as four Club Selections or 
Alternates to your library during your first year 


JA "'His" and "Her" Triumph 
ТА? Sports Cars! A pair of the all new, wedge-shaped, 
wide-track breakthrough machines from British Leyland 
Motors. You and your playmate will drive the sports car of 
tomorrow—today. 


СА: \ | 


from the wide choice of books offered to you at 
savings up to 40 percent under retail prices. 
Surprise bonus: Our editors have selected a lively 
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minimum value) which will be sent to you FREE 

as an introductory gift if you act promptly. 


To enter PLAYBOY'S TWO AROUND THE 
WORLD SWEEPSTAKES, simply check the appro- 
priate box on the card and return the card to us. 

Remember, if you respond before February 27, 
1976, you could also win $2000 in the Early Bird 


Bonus Drawing! 


Edited by Gerald Howat 
(Pub. Price $12.95) 
(Counts as two books) 


‘Lawrence David Kusche 
(Pub. Price $10.00) 


Alex Comfort, M.B., Ph.D. 
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Evan Powell with 
Robert P. Stevenson 


(Pub. Price 511.35) Тану Fx. 


(Pub. Price $12.95) 
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Steven H. Scheuer 
(Pub, Price 51995) 
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Jeremy Разса! and 


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Text by А. R. Leventhal 
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Thomas Mario 
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William J. Slattery 
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Vincent Bugliosi with 
Curt Gantry 
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Earl Wilson 
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Edited by Hugh M. Heiner 
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Harry Lorayne 
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"His" and “Her” 
prizes of $1000 each ($2000 in all) 
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To be eligible for the drawing, 
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before February 27, 1976. 


A week's vacation 
for two, expenses paid, at The Playboy Resort 
at Lake Geneva, Wisconsin. Includes round- 
trip airfare (first class, of course). Enjoy 


A pair of "His" and 
"Her" AMF Roadmaster Diamond Frame 5-speed 
bicycles for city and country riding. Handsome, 
lightweight, with front and rear side-pull caliper 


Playboy's Cocktail Kit: eight 9-ounce 
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and amenities too numerous to list. 


brakes for sure stops. 


Rabbit Head swizzle sticks; and our 
distinctive cocktail napkins. 


1 


How the Sweepstakes works—Official rules. No Purchase Necessary! 


1. Your individual sweepstakes number wii be compared against a list of 
winning numbers selected by electronic digital computer. In the event all prizes 
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2. Soloction of winning numbers and random drawings are under the supervision 
of the D. L. Blair Corporation, an independent judging organization, whose 
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3. Entries must be postmarked no later than March 15, 1976, and received by 
March 22, 1976. One prize to a family. No substitutions will be made for any 
prizes offered, Tax on any prize is the sole responsibility of the winner. 


Адат Kennedy 
(Pub. Price $6.95) 


Irving Wallace 
(Pub. Price $9.95) 


Edwin Siiberstang 
(Pub. Price $8.95) 


Frank Manklewicz and 
Kirby Jones, 
(Pub. Price $10.95) 


Adelaide Br 
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Clay Blair, Jr. 
(Pub, Price S25 75) 
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incial and municipal laws and regulations. In order to win any prize, 
ents of Canada will be required to correctly answer a time limited 
arithmetical skill-testing question. Offer void wherever prohibited by Іам. For a 
list of major prize winners, send a separate, stamped, self-addressed envelope 
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2048, Blair, Nebraske 68009. 


Gordon Inkeles and 
Murray Todris 
Photos by 

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Man's Underwater 
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Edited by Bradley Smith 
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(Pub, Price S14 £5) 

(Counts as two books) Frederick ыы 


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Inustrations by 
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Robert Reisner and 
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and patrolmen arriving from all over the 
ry, their bosoms filled with elation 
ing escaped that last snow bunny 
n Aspen, Alta or Sun Valle: 
Now, by God, they are going to sk 

You'll If the hard-core skiers from 
the Rockies by the time you have made 
it to the breakfast table: you'll citch the 
rest on lifts one through ten or on the 
gondola that overlooks an ocean of white 
set at 25 degrees to the sky. If you have 
met a friend by then, you will have a last 
chance out 
paddle around 
caressed by hot and cold running water. 

If you are an Eastern skier, all this may 
make you want to break down and cry a 
little. But, as they say, if God had intend- 
ed New Englanders to ski, He would have 
given them a winter or placed Plymouth 
Rock in Boulder, Colorado. 


THE BEST SUMMER SKIING 


at in this category. Since 
is really winter in the South- 
isphere, our choice of Portillo, 
y not be strictly kosher. But if 
you want to spend the Fourth of July 
kneedcep in snow, there's just no com- 
son. Walking through J.F.K. Airport 
of skis over your shoulder in 
the middle of a New York heat wave 
seem like an act against nature, but you 
can live with ially if you have 
company. First, catch the Branilf flight 
to Santiago. It's called the Ski Plane. an 
borne brother to the former fabled Ver- 
mont ski train, If you've ever ridden the 
rails from Manhattan to Stowe with a 
crowd of gregarious, snow-crazed skiers. 
youll know what to expect from the 
Branill flight. Everyone on рома may be 
glued to a copy of Piers Paul Read's Alive 
(the story of the rugby team that survived 
а cash in the Andes by feeding оп the 
flesh of their frozen companions). 


From Santiago, its only a two-hour 
drive to Portillo, situated in a glacie 
caved saddle about hallway up the 


Andes, the shadow of Aconcagua, the 
highest mountain in the Western Hemi- 
You pull into the parking lot of 
1 Hotel Portillo, a yellow struc- 
at reminds you of a college dormi 


tory. Once you're inside, the image is 
dispelled. For one thing, there are 
posters of Ché Guev 

g military 


2) For another. you'll get the kind of 
service you read about. Chileans are sim- 
patico, which means they smile benignly 
while you struggle with your high school 
sh. Next, stish your bags buckle 
your boots and hit the slopes. The moun- 
tain has some easy terrain on which to 
warm up. as well as two of the most f 
mous chutes in the world—Re 
Garganta. They are steep but w 
opcu—if you lose always pull 
out and traverse into Argentina, The 
js so much snow thar the ski patrol often 
closes the steep parts for fear of av 


anche. 


“So long, Slim." 


Everyone then skis the beginners’ hill: 
When there hasn't been snow for a while. 
а mogul field forms on the upper slopes of 
the plateau, but don't worry. Everyone 
Portillo skis on long skis. The mogul 
long, gentle swells. not the maniacal 1, 
mines carved by the short, hot ski 
(SHORT SKIS SUCK. LONG SKIS TRUCK—a 


bumper sticker seen at Sun Valley.) П 
just like the good old days. 
Chances are you cin go through life 


and never see such good skiing as at Por 
tillo. It takes some seriousness of purpose 
10 drop 51000 for air fare and two weeks’ 
lodging. Most of the skiers who show up 
re pretty damn good. or they get thar 
alter a few lessons from the excellent 


school Also, in August, the hotel 
plays host to several international 
teams. Imagine yourself on the set of 


Downhill Racer and you'll get an idea of 
what it’s like. The puys look like Robert 
Redlord and the girls will stop your heart, 


ТИЕ BEST APRES-SKI LIFE 


The quintessential aprés-sht life is cos- 


mopolitan: you have to have a broad 
spectrum of dining, dancing. shop, 
calé sitting, a soupcon of cabaret 


tainment, some h nd soft rock 
most of all, а varied and alert hometown 
crew in ble and wi 
not only as instructors 
ad partners but a 
interpreters of the local mores. If ther 
a Wednesday-night skinny-dip. you want 
to know about it, right? 

By these standards, there are probably 
five great après-ski towns in the world. 
The bad news; Only one of the five is in 
the U. S. The good news: It is the best. 


idence, 


serve 


Meet Aspen, Colorado: girls, guys. gai 
ety, glamor, art, even a few resident in 
tellectuals, bars funky and bars Victorian. 
"The home population of Aspen 
10,000, placing it in a class with 
Kitzbühel, Garmi 
What Aspen lacks in c 


Moritz, 


e and 


service it makes up in My and com 
plexity; its sever 
ndude artists. 


aires (two doren or so). educators, film 
makers, girls who can outski vou, guys wlu 
can outski anyone. In all. a thoroughgoing. 
sophisticated, self-sustaining culture, the 
Big Apple of ski 


THE BEST APRESSKI SCOR! 


И you are more interested in scoring 
than in skiing, if you possess a certain 
lack of choosiness and а slavish insistence 
on coupling as de rigueur for a successful 
skiing experience, then the Valley of the 
Inns, Vermont, gets the brass ring. This is 
not the close and cozy world of Sun Val. 
ley or the snow-paved streets of Vail but 
more extensive strip site, lying at road 
side near Mount Snow, Bromley. Stratton, 
Magic, Okemo, Haystack and Carinthia. 
Among these seven resorts, check to check 
on neighboring mountainsides, lies a con 
centration of hostelries and bistros пог 
ceeded elsewhere in the world for the 
number of singles secking а roll in the 
quilt. This territory is the equivalent of 
the swinging bars ol New York's Upper 
East Side, even though the draw is also 
ерои, Hartford, Spr 
AIL that is needed 
tilla of charisma or m 
t set of jeans: it's a schuss all the way 


ybe just а 


255 


PLAYBOY 


256 


THE SHEPHERD 


I was on my way without a compass. 1 
pressed the TRANSMIT button and called. 
“Celle Charlie Delta, Celle Charlie Del- 
a, calling North Beveland Control. . . ." 
1 stopped. There was no point in going 
on. Instead of the lively crackle of st 

nd the sharp sound of my own voice 
back i y own cars, there 


«omi; 


My own voice sp 
nowhere. 1 tried again. Same result. F 
ross the wastes of the black and 
North Sea. in the warm, cheery con- 
«теке complex of North Beveland Control, 
t back from their control panel, 
ng and sipping their sicaming coffee 
And they could not hear me. 
lio was dead. 

ng down the rising sense of panic 
that can kill a pilot faster than anytl 
else, 1 swallowed and slowly counted to 
ten. Then 1 switched to channel Е and 
nied to raise Lakenheath, ahead of me 
1 the Sullolk countryside, lying in its 
с trees south of Thetford, 


el F, de 


cham 
My own muttering into the oxygen mask 


was smothered by the surrounding rubbi 
The steady whistle of my own jet engine 
behind me was my only answer 

I's a very lonely place, the sky, and 
even more so the sky on a winter's night. 
And a singleseater jet fighter is a lonely 
home, à tiny steel box held aloft on stubby 
wings, hurled through the freezing empti- 
ss by a blazing tube throwing out the 
strength of 6000 horses every second. But 
the loneliness is offset, canceled out, 
hy the knowledge that at the touch of a 
bution on the throttle. the pilot сап 
talk to other human beings, people who 
care about him, men and women who 
aff а network of stations round the 
world: just one touch of that button, the 
IRANSMIT button, and scores of them 
rol towers across thc land that are 
tuned to his channel can hear him call for 
help. When the pilot transmits, on every 
ic of those screens a line of light streaks 
from the center of the screen to the out- 
side тїт, which is marked with figures, 
from 1 to 360. Where the streak of light 
hits the ring, that is where the 
lation to the control tow: 
ing to him. The control towers are linked. 
so with two cross bearings they can locate 
his position to within a few hundred 
yards. He is not lost anymore, People be- 


dot ће 


other dots: th 
instructions. 


n up and give him 
your descent now, 
have you now. . . ." 
Warm, experienced voices, voices that 
control an of electronic devices tha 
cm reach across the winter sky, 
nd rain, above the snow 


out 
through the ice 


(continued from page 206) 


and cloud. and pluck the lost one from 


to the flare-lit 
and 

When the pilot transmits. Bu 
he must have a radio. Befo: 
ished testing channel J, the 
emergency channel, and 
зате negative result, 1 knew my te 
channel radio set was as di the dodo. 

Jt had taken the R.A.F. two y 
main me to Пу their fighters for them, 
most of i пе had been spent in 

mergency proce 
he important thing, they used to 
flying school, is not to know how 
to fly in perfect. conditions; it is to Шу 
1 emergency and stay alive. Now 
ng was beginning to take clfect. 
While I was vainly testing my radio 
. the eyes scanned the instru 
nel in front of me. The instru- 
ir own message. It was no 
the compass and the radio 
led together; both worked off the 
iraaft's electrical circuits. Somewhere 
my leet, amid the miles of 
ightly colored wiring that make up 
the circuits, there had been a main. fuse 
blowout. 1 reminded myself, idiotically, 
to forgive the instrument fitter and 
blame the electrician. Then 1 took stock 
of the nature of my disaster. 

The first thing to do in such a c 
membered old Flight Sergeant Nor 
telling us, is to reduce throttle sewing 
hom cruise speed to а slower setting, to 


for that 
1 had fin. 


raining precisely in 
dures. 1 


give n 
"We don't w te valuable fuel, 
do we, gendemen? We might need it 


cr. So we reduce the power sening 
from 10,000 revolutions per minute to 
7200. That way we will Пу a little slower, 
but we will stay in the air rather longer, 
won't we, gentlemen?” He always referred 
10 us all being in the same emergency 
t the same time, did Sergeant Norris. 1 
eased the throtle back and watched the 
rev counter, It operates on its own gene! 
tor and so I hadn't lost that, at least, 1 
waited until the Goblin was turning over 
at about 7200 rpm and felt the aircraft 
slow down. The nose rose fractionally, 
so I adjusted. the flight trim to keep he 
straight and level. 

The m пыша 
pilot's eyes are six, including the compass. 
‘The five others are the airspeed indicator, 
limeter, the vertical-speed indicator, 
dicator (which tells him 
to left or 


n front of a 


8 
tor (which tells h 
bwise across the sky). 7 
of these are electrically operated, and they 
had gone the same way as my compass. 
lelt me with the three pressure- 
operated instruments—air speed indicator. 
altimeter and verticilspeed indicator. In 
other words, 1 knew how fast 1 was gc 


how high 1 was and if 1 were diving or 
limbi 

It is perfectly possible to 1 
craft with only these three instruments. 
judging the rest by those old navigational 
aids, the human eyes. Possible, that is. 
in conditions of brilliant weather. by 
daylight and with no cloud in the sky 


It is possible, just possible, though not 
able, to try to navigate a fast-moving 
jet by dead reckoning. using the с 


looking down and identifying the curve 
of the coast where «5 an easily 
recognizable pattern, spotting a str 
shaped reservoir, the glint of a rive 
the map strapped to the thigh says can 
only be the Ouse, or the Trent, or the 


ereni 
Lincoln hedral tower, if you 
know the countryside intimately. By 


night it is not possible. 

The only things that show up at ni 
even on a bright moonlit night, 
lights. These have patterns whe 
from the sky. Manchester looks diffe 
from Birmingham: Southampton can 
pe of its massive 


ck) against the car- 
pet of the city's lights. 1 knew Norwich 
very well, and if 1 could id the 
great curving bulge of the Norfolk coast 
line from Lowestoft, round through Yar- 


mouth to Cromer, ] could find Norwich, 
ly m 


the o 


jor sprawl of lights set 20 
miles inland from all points on the 
coast. Five miles north of Norwich I 
knew was the fighter airfield of Merriam 
St. George, whose red indicator beacon 
would be blipping out its Morse identi- 
fication signal into the night. There, if 
only they had the sense to switch on 
the airfield lights when they heard me 
screaming at low level up and down the 
airfield. I could land safely. 

I began to let the Vampire down slowly 
toward the oncoming coast, my mind 
feverishly working out how far behind 
schedule 1 was though the reduced speed. 
My watch told me 43 m 
The coast of Norfolk had to be some- 
where ahead of my nose, five miles helow. 
1 glanced up at the full moon, like a 
searchlight in the glittering sky, and 
thanked her for her presence. 

As the fighter slipped toward Norfolk 
the sense of loneliness gripped me tighter 

ad tighter. АП those things that had 
seemed so beautiful as I had climbed 
away from the Westphalian airfield now 
seemed my worst enemies. The stars 
were no longer impressive in their bril 

1 thought of their hostility, spar 
way there in the timeless, lou 
finities of endless subzero space. The 
night sky. its stratospheric temperature 
fixed, night and day alike, at an un 
changing 56 degrees below zero, became 
in my mind a limitless prison creaking 
with the cold. Below me lay the worst 
of them all, the heavy brutality of the 


liance; 
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PLAYBOY 


258 


North Sea, waiting (o swallow up me 
nc and bury us for endless 
а liquid black crypt where 
othing moved nor would ever move 
And no onc would ever know. 

At 15,000 fect and still diving, I began 
› realize that а fresh. me the 
fast, en had entered the field. There 
o ink-bI a three miles below 
no necklace of twinkling seaside 
lights somewhere up ahead. Far away, 
to right and left. ahead and no doubt 
behind me, the light of the moon re- 
flected on far and endless sca of 
white. Perhaps only 100, 200 feet thick, 
bur enough. Enough to blot ош all 
vision. enough to kill me. The East 
nglian fog had moved in. 

As [E had flown westward from Ger- 
a slight breeze, unforeseen by the 
ahemmen. had sprung up, blowing 
hom the North Sea toward Norfolk. 
During the previous day, the flat, open 
ground of East Anglia had been frozen 
hard by the wind and the subzero tem- 
peratures, During the eve the wind 
had moved a belt of slightly warmer а 
olf the North Sea and onto the plains 
of East Anglia. There, coming in contact 
with the cold earth, the trillions of 
tiny moisture particles in the sea air had 
vaporized, forming the kind of fog that 
can blot out five counties in a matter of 
30 minutes. How far westward it stretched 


wits 


me. 


perhaps. nudging up 
slopes of the Pennines? 
question of trying to overlly the fo 
the westward: without navigati 
or radio. 1 would be lost over str 
unfamiliar counuy. Also of die 
question was to try to Пу back to Holland. 
to Lind at one of Dutch. air-force 
bases along the coast there; | had mot 
the fuel. Relying only on my eyes to 
guide me, it was a question of landing at 
Merriam St. George or dying amid. the 
wreckage of the Vampire somewhere in 
the fog-wreathed fens of Norfolk. 

At 10,000 feet, 1 pulled out of my 


ош 


the 


dive, increasing power slightly to keep 
myself airborne, using up more of my 
precious fuel Still a creature of my 


ning, I recalled again the instructions 
Г Flight Sergeant Nonis. 


broken cloud. gentlemen. we must 
sider the necessity of bailing out of our 
aircraft, must we not?” 

Of course, Sergeant. Unfortunately, the 
ker ejector seat cannot be fitted 
. which is no- 
impossible to 
ly two successful can- 
didate diving lost their legs in the 
process. Still, there has to be a lucky one. 
What else, Sergeant? 

“Our first move, therclore, 
our aircraft toward the op 
from all arcas of intense hum 
tion." 

You 


js to turn 
) sca, away 
n habita- 


mean towns Sag Those 


ant. 


people down there pay for us to Пу for 
them, not to drop a screaming monster 
of six tons of steel on top of them on 
Christmas Eve. There are kids down 


there, schools, hospitals, homes. You turn 
your aircraft ош to sea. 

The procedures were all worked out 
They did not mention that the ch 


aces 
of a pilot, bobbing about vs 
t in the North Sea, frozen hed 
by a subzero wind. supported by a yellow 
life jacket. ice incrusting his lips, сус- 
brows, cars, his position unknown by the 
men sipping their Christmas punches in 
warm rooms 300 miles away—that his 
chances were less than one in a hundred 
of living longer than one hour, In the 
training films, they showed you pictures 
of happy fellows who had announced by 
lio that rhey were ditching, being 
picked up by helicopters within minutes, 
and all on a bright, warm summer's day. 
Ine last procedure, gi 
used in exireme ema 


That's better. $ that’s 
what Fm in now 
“AIL haircraft happroach 


coasts are visible on the radar scanners of 
our early-warning system. If, therefore, we 
have lost our radio and cannot transm 
our emergency, we try to attract the 
tion of our radar scanners by adopting an 
of behavior. We do this by 

. then lying i 


ng out to эс; 


gles, turning left left 
each leg of the tri 
ion of two 


In this way, we hope to attract attention. 
When we have been spotted, the 
thc controller is informed and he di 
verts another. aircraft. to find us. This 
other airaaft. of course, has dio, When 
the rescue aircraft 
formate on him and he bri 
through the cloud or fog to a 

Yes. it was the last attempt to save on 
lite. 1 recalled the details better now. The 
rescue aircraft who would lead. you back 
to a safe 1 p. lying wing tip to wing 


with the rest when the fuse blew. I had 
i ment until 1 remembered the worr 

which I could prew to get 
е reading, ‘The f 
one third full. Knowing myself to be still 
ort of the Norfolk coast. and flving level 
at 10,000 feet in the moonlight, 1 pulled 
the Vampire into а lefthand tum and 
began my first leg of the first triangle. 
After (wo m 


Below me, the fog reached back as far as 
1 could sec, head of me, toward Nor 
folk. it was the sami 


Ten 


minutes went by, two com. 
plete triangles. 1 had not prayed. not 
really prayed, for many years, and ihe 
habit came hard. Lord, please get me 
ош of this bloody 

mustn't like 


ss— No, 
to Him. 


ther, which art in he: xs e He 
avd that a thousand times, would be 
aring it another thousand times 10- 
hr. What do you say to Him when 
you want help? Please. God, make some- 
body notice me up here; please make 
someone sec me flying in triangles and 
send up а shepherd to help me di 
landing. Please help me 
promise. What on carth 
ise Him? He h 
and 1, who now had need of Him. hı 
taken no notice of Him for so lon: 
probably forgotten all about me. 
By 72 minutes airborne оп my watch. 
1 knew no one would come. The compass 
still drifted aimlessly through all the pe 
of the circle. the other electrical 
ments were dead. all their needles frozen 
at the point where they'd stopped. My 
altimeter read 7000 feet, so 1 had dropped 


vei 


could 1 
id no need of me. 


3000 feet while turning. No matter. The 
fuel 


read between zero and a quarter 

y ten minutes more flying time. 1 
age of despair welling up. I beg 

nto the dead microphone. 
You stupid bastards. why don't you 
look at your screens? Why can't 
somebody see me up here? АП so damn 
drunk you can't do your jobs properly. 
Oh, God. why won't somebody listen 10 
me? By then the anger had subsided and 
1 had taken to blubbering like a baby 
Irom the sheer helplessness of it all. 

Five minutes latex. 1 knew, withe 
doubt of 
night. y. 1 wasn't even af 
anymore. Just enormously sad. Sad for i 
the things | would never do, the pl 
would never see, the people ] wi 
never greet again. I's а bad thing. а sad 
thing, to die at 90 years of age w 
your life unlived, and the worst thing 
of all is not the fact of dying bur thc 
fact of all the things never done. 

Out through the Perspex 1 could see 
that the moon was setting, hovering above 
the horizon of thick white fog: in another 
two minutes the night sky would be 
plunged into total darkness and а few 
minutes later, 1 would have to bail out 
of a dying aircraft belore it flicked over 
on its last dive into the North Sea. An 
hour liter. Т would be dead also. bobbing 
around in the water, ellow Mae 
West supporting a stiff. frozen body. I 


dropped the left wing of the Vampire 
moon 


toward the w bı 
the 
below the wing tip, ag 
sheen of the fog ba 
black shadow crossed the whiteness. Fo 
а second T thought it was my own shadow. 
but with the moon up there, my own 
shadow would be behind me. It was 
another It, low against the fog bank, 
keeping st (um, 
a mile down through the sky toward the 
fog. 

The other 
kept tuming, 


the 


ast tr 


below me, I 
keep it i 


down, 


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250 could 


ht. The other aircraft also kept turn 
. until the two of us һай done one 
complete circle. Only then did I realize 
why it was so far below me, why he did 
пог climb to my height and take up 
station on my wing tip. He was flying 
slower than 1: he could not keep up if 
he tried to fly beside me. Trying hard 
not to believe he was just another air- 
craft, moving on his way, about to dis- 


appear forever into the fog bank, I eased 
the throttle back and began to slip 
down toward him. He kept turning; so 
did L At 5000 feet, I knew I was still 
going too fast for him. I could not reduce 
power any more lor fear of stalling the 
Vampire and plunging down out of 
control To slow up even more, I put 
out the The Vampire shud- 
dered as the brakes swung into the slip 
stream, slowing the Vampire down to 
980 knots. 

And then he came up toward me, 
swinging im toward my left-hand wing 
tip. I could make out the black bulk of 
him against the dim white sheet of fog 
below, then he was with me, 100 feet 
off my wing бр, and we straightened out 
together, rocking as we tried to keep 
formation. The moon was to my right. 
and my own shadow masked his shape 
and form; but even so, I could make 
out the shimmer of two propellers whi 
ng through the sky ahead of him. Of 
course, he could not fly at my speed 
was in а jet fighter, he in а piston- 

ned aircraft of an earlier generation. 

He held station alongside me for а 
few seconds, downmoon of me, half in- 
visible, then banked gently to the left. 

followed, keeping formation with him, 
for he was obviously the shepherd sent 
up to bring me down, and he bad the 
compass and the radio, not І. He swung 
h 180 degrees, then straightened 
ight and level. the moon 
п. From the po 
dying moon ] knew we w 
back toward the Norlolk cc 
the first time, I could see him well. To 
surprise, my shepherd w De 
hter bomber 
of Second World War vintage. 

Then I remembered c the Meteor- 
ological Squadron at Gloucester used 
Mosquitoes, the last ones flying, to take 
samples of the upper atmosphere to 


brakes. 


iland Mosquito, a 6 


help in the preparation of weather forc- 
casts. I had scen the Battle of 
Dm isplays. flying their Mosquitoes 


in the flypasts. attracting gasps from the 
crowd and a few nostalgic shakes of the 
head from the older men. such as they 
always reserved on September 15 for the 

Spi fires, Hurricanes and Lancaster. 
Behind the cockpit of the Mosquito I 
could make out, against the light of the 
moon, the muffled head of its pilot and 
the twin cirdes of his goggles as he 
looked out the side window toward me. 
Carefully, he raised his right hand ull I 
sce it in the window, fingers 


straight. palm downward. He jabbed the 
fingers богу 
ig to descend: formate on me." 
nd quickly brought up my 
own left hand so he could see it, pointing 
forward to my own control panel with 
one forefinger, then holding up five 
splayed fingers. Finally, 1 drew my hand 
across my throat, By common agreement, 
n mcans I have only five minutes? 
fuel left, then my engine cuts out. T saw 
the muflled, goggled. oxygen-masked head 
a understanding, then we were 
ling downward toward the sheet of 
fog. His speed increased and I brought 
the air brakes back in. The Vampi 
stopped trembling and plunged 
of the Mosquito. I pulled back on the 
throitle, hearing the engine die to a low 
whistle. and the shepherd w: k be- 
side me. We were diving straight toward 
the shrouded land of Norfolk, I glanced 
at my altimeter; 2000 feet, still diving. 
He pulled out at 300 feet; the fog w 
still below us. Probably the fog bank 
was only from the ground to 100 feet up, 
but that was more than enough to prevent 
a plane from landing without a G.C. 
I could imagine the stream of instructions 
coming from the radar hut into the ear- 
phones of the man flying beside те, 80 
feer away through two panes of Perspex 
and the wind stream of icy air moving 
between us at 280 knots, I kept my eyes 
on him, formating as closely as possible, 
of losing sight for an instant, 
for every hand signal. 
t the white fog, even as the moon 
el at the beauty of 


the blister of Perspex right in 
the nose itself. the long, Jean, understung 
engine pods, each housing a Rolls-Royce 
Merlin engine, a masterpiece of cralts- 
manship. snarling through the night 
toward home. Two minutes later. he held 
up his clenched left fist in the window, 
then opened the fist to splay all five 
fingers against the glass. "Please lower 
your undercarriage.” Е moved the lever 
downward and felt the dull thunk as all 
three wheels went down, happily powered 
by hydraulic pressure and not dependent 
on the failed electrical system. 

The pilot of the shepherd aircraft 
pointed down again. for another descent, 
and as he jinked in the moonlight, I 
caught sight of the nose of the Mosquito, 
Tc had the letters ук painted on it, large 
and black. Probably for call sign Jig King. 
Then we were descendin, ain, more 
gently this time. 

He leveled out just above the fog layer, 
so low the tendrils of candy Hoss were 
lishing at our fusclages. and we went into 
a steady circular turn. І пм ed to flick 
се at my fuel gauge: it was on 
zero. llickering feebly. For God's sake. 
hurry up. I prayed. for if my fuel failed 
me now, there would be no time to climb. 
to the minimum 700 feet needed for 
bailing out. A jet fighter at 100 feet 


without an 
по chance for survival. 

For two or three minutes. he seemed 
content to hold his slow circular turn. 
while the sweat broke out behind 
neck and began to streams down 
my back, gumming the light nylon flying 
suit to my skin. Hurry up. man, hurry. 

Quite suddenly. he straightened out, so 
fast I almost lost him by continuing to 
turn. [D caught him a second Liter and 
saw his left hand flash the dive 
me. Then he dipped toward the fog ban 
1 followed and we were in it, a shallow, 
Паг descent, but a descent. nevertheless, 
and from a mere 100 fect. toward nothing, 

To pass out of even dimly lit sky into 
doud or Гор is like passing into а bath of 
gray cotton wool. Suddenly, there 
ing but the gr 


а death wap with 


noth- 


whirling strands, a mil- 
lion tendrils reaching out to trap and 
strangle you, cach one touching the cock: 
pit cover with quick caress, then di 
appearing back into nothingness. The 
visibility was down to near zero, no 
shape, no size, no form, no substance. 
Except that dimly off my left wing tip. 
now only 40 fect away. was the fo 
a Mosquito flying with absolute cert: 


m of 


h 
d something Î could not see. Only 


1 1 realize he was flying without 
‘or a second, I was amazed. horri 
fied by my discovery: then I realized the 
wisdom of the man. Lights in fog are 
treacherous, hallucinatory, mesmeric. You 
сап get attracted to them, not knowing 
whether they are 40 or 100 feet away 
from you. The tendency is to move 
toward them: for two aircraft in the 
fog, one flying formation om the other, 
that could spell disaster. The тап w 
right. 

Keeping formatica with him, I knew 
he was slowing down, for I, too. wa 
back the throttle, dropping and 
slowing. In a fraction of a second, 
llashed a glance at the two 


хо was the [ucl gau 
even flickering, 
ı 1 had also seen, т 
and this damn coffin w 
of the sky at 95, 

ithout warning. the shepherd poi 
then fors 


id neither was 
Ihe airspeed indicator. 
1 120 know— 
going to fall out 


through th. aming windscr 
Nothing. Then. yes, something. A blur 
to the left, another to the right, the: 
awo. one on each side. Ringed with haze 
there were lights on either side of me, ii 
pairs, flashing past. I forced my eyes to 
see what lay between them. Nothing, 
blackness, Then a streak of paint, т 
under my feet. The center linc. 
Frantically, I closed down the power and 
held her steady, praying for the Vamp 
to settle. 
The lights were rising now, almost 
at eye level, and still she would not se 
Че. Bang. We touched, we touched the 


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262 


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flaming deck. Ban-bang. Another touch, 
she was drifting again, inches above the 
et black runway. Bam-bam-bam Барат 
mble. She was down: the main wheels 
had stuck and held. 

The Vampire was rolling, at over 90 
es an hour, through a sea of gray fog. 
I touched the brakes the nose 


slammed down onto the deck also. Slow 
now, 


pressure по skidding, hold her 
stright nst the skid, more presure 
on those brakes or we'll run off the end. 
The lights moving past more leisurely 
now, slowing. slower, slower. . . . 

The Vampire stopped. I found both 
of my hands clenched round the control 
column, squeeziug the brake lever iu- 
ward. I forget now how many seconds I 
held them there before 1 would believe 
we were stopped. Finally, I did believe 
it. put on the parking brake and released 
brake. Then I went to t olt 
the engine, for there was no use trying to 
i in this fog: they would have to tow 
the fighter back with a Landrover. There 
was no need to turn off the engine; it 
nally run out of fuel as the 
e carcered down the runway. I 
off the remaining systems, fuel, 
ization, 
and slowly began to unstrap myself 
from the scat and parachute /dinghy pack. 
As I did so, a movement caught my eye. 
То my left, through the fog, no more 
than 50 feet away, low on the ground 
with wheels up, the Mosquito reared past 
me. I caught the flash of the pilot's hand 
in the side window, then he was gone, up 
into the fog, before he could sce my an. 
swering wave of acknowledgment. But I'd 
already decided to call up R.A.F. Glouces- 
ter nk him personally from the 
officers’: mess. 

With the systems off, the cockpit was 
misting up fast. so I released the canopy 

nd wound the hood backward by hand 
until it locked. Only then, as I stood up. 
did I realize how cold it was. Against my 
heated body, dressed in light nylon flying 
it way freezing, I expected the co 
trobtower tuck to be alongside im sec 
onds, for, п emergency landing, 
even on Christ ve, the fire tuck, 
imbulance and half а dozen other vehicles 
were always standing by. Nothing hap- 
pened. At least not for теп minute 

By the time the two headlights came 
groping out of the mist, I felt frozen. 
The lights stopped 90 feet from the 
motionless. Vampire, dwarfed by the 
fighter’s bulk. A voice called: 

“Hallo there.” 

I stepped out of the cockpit, jumped 
the wing to the tumac and ran 
hts. They turned out to be 
the head lamps of a battered old Jowett 


shut 
hydraulics, electrics and pressu 


fro 


a pulled. есту face а handlebar 
mustache. At least he wore an R.A.F. ol- 
ficer’s cap. He stared at me as I loomed 
out of the fog 


“That yours?” He nodded toward the 
dim shape of the Vampire. 

“Yes,” I said, “I just landed it." 
raordinary," he said, "quite straordi 
nary. You'd better jump in. ГШ run you 
back to the mess." 

I was grateful for the warmth of the 
car, even more so to be alive. 

Moving im bottom gear, he began to 
ease the old car k round the taxi track, 
evidently toward the control tower and, 
beyond it, the mess buildings. As we 
moved away fr 
I had stopped 20 feet short of a plowed 
field at the very end of the runway. 

“You were damned lucky," he said, or 
1 shouted, for the engine was roaring 
in fist gear and he seemed to be having 
trouble with the foot controls. Judging by 
the smell of whiskey on his breath, that 
was not surprising. 

Damned lucky," I agreed. "I ran out 
of fuel just as [ was landing. My radio 
and all the electrical systems failed nearly 
ty minutes ago over the North Se: 
He spent several minutes digesting the 


he said at length. "No 
compass? 

No compass. Flying in the approxi 
mate direction by the moon. As far as 
the coast, or where I judged it to be. 
Alter that 


I said. “A dead box on all 


channel 

“Then how did you find this place?” 
he asked. 

I was losing patience. The man was 
dently one of those passed-over flight 
tenants, not terribly bright and. prob- 
ably nor a flier, despite the handlebar 
A ground wallah. And drunk 

. Shouldn't be on duty at all on 
operational station at that hour of the 
night. 

^I was guided in," I explained patient- 
ly. The emergency procedures, having 
worked so well, now began to seem гип 
ofiheamill; such is the recuperation of 
youth. "T flew short, left-hand triangles, 
per instructions, and they sent up 
shepherd aircraft to guide me down. No 
problem.” 

He shrugged, 
sist.” Finally, he said 

“Damn lucky, all the same. Im sur- 
prised the other dı ged to find 
the place.” 

“No problem there, 


li 


to say “IE you in- 


^" 1 said. "It was one 


of the weather aire from R.A.F. 
Gloucester. had radio. 
ona 


as drunk. 

"Straordinary," he 
drop of moisture off hi 
don't have G.C.A. We doi 
navigational equipment. 
а beacon." 


xdlebar. "We 
"C have any 
at all, not even 


Now it was my turn to let the informa- 
tion sink in 
isn't 


“This 


R.A.F. Merriam St 
n a small voice. He 
n? Chicksands? 


this is R.A.F. Minton.” 
rd of it,” I said at Last. 

“I'm not surprised. We're not an oper- 
ational station, Haven't been for years 
inton's a storage depot, Excuse me.” 
He stopped the car and got out. I saw 
we were standing a few feet from the dim 
shape of a control tower. adjoining a lon 
row of Nissen huts, evidently once flight 
rooms, navigational and briefing hut 
Above the narrow door at the base of 
the tower through which the officer h 
ed hung a 
By its light I could make out broke: 
dows, padlocked doors. an air of 
donment and neglect. The man r 
turned and climbed shakily back behind 
the wheel. 

“Just turning the runway lights oll." 
he Said, and belched. 

My mind was whirling. This was n 
crazy, illogical. Yet there had to be 
perfectly reasonable explanation. 

"Why did you switch them on?" ! 
asked. 

“It was the sound of your engine, 
he said. “I was in the officers’ mess having 
а noggin, and old Joe suggested 11 
out the window for a second. Th 
were, circling right above us. You 
sounded damn low, almost as if you wi 
going to come down in a hurry. Thought 
I might be of some use, remembered 


they never disconnected the old runw 


antled the station 
control tower à 


lights when they d 
so I ran down to th 
switched them on." 

1 see,” I said, but I didi 
had to be an explanation. 

"That was why I was so late coming 
out to pick you up. I had to go back to 
the mess to get the car out, once Td 
heard you land out there. Then | had 
to find you. Bloody foggy night. 

You can say that again, I thought. "The 
mystery puzzled me for another lew 
minutes. "Then I hit on the explanation 
"Where is R.A.F. Minton, exact! 
asked him. 
ive miles in from the coast, inland 
from Cromer. That's where we are,” he 
said. 


But there 


ad where's the n 
RAF. station with all 
including G.C.A 
He thought for a minute. 
"Must iam St. George 


тем. operational 
the 


radio aids, 


be Menia 1 
said. “They must have all those things 
1 you, I'm just а stores Johnny." 

t was the explanation. My 
known friend in the weather plane had 
aking me straight in from the 
st for Merriam St, George. By chance, 

bandoncd old stores depa 
with its bec 


on, cobw: 


runway 263 


PLAYBOY 


264 


1 drunken commanding officer. 
lay right along the in-flight path to 
Merriam's runway. Merriam controller 
had asked us to circle twice while he 
switched on his runway lights ten miles 
1, and this old fool had switched on 
ights as well. Result: Coming in on the 
je stretch. I had plonked my 
mpire down onto the wrong airfield. 1 
about to tell him not to interfere with 
modem procedures that he couldn't under- 
stand, when 1 choked the words back. My 
fuel had run out halfway down the rm- 
way. Td never have made Merriam, ten 
miles away. Fd have crashed in the fields 
short of toududown. By an amazing fluke, 
1 had heen, as he said, damned lucky. 

By the time 1 had worked out the 
ional explanation my presence 
this nearly abandoned airfield, we 
ad reached the officers’ mes. My host 
parked his car in front of the door and 
we climbed out. Above the entrance hall, 
light was burning, dispelling the fog 
and illuminating the Guved but chipped 
crest of the Royal Air Force above the 


lor 


doorway. To one side was a board 
screwed to the wall. It read R.A.F. STATION 
махтох. To the other side was another 
board, announcing OFFICERS 

walked inside. 


The front hall was large and spaciou 
but evidently built in the prewar years 
when metal window frames, service issue. 
iu fashion. "The place reeked of 
the expression “It had seen better days." 
It had. indeed. Only two cracked-leather 
dub chairs occupied the anteroom. which 
could have taken 20. The cloakroom 10 
the right contained a Jong empty rail 
lor nonexistent coats. My host. who told 
me he light Lieutenant. Mask: 
shrugged oll his sheepskin coat and 
threw it over a chair. He was wearing his 
uniform trousers but with a chunky blue 
pullover for a jacket. It. must be mise 
able t0 spend your Christmas on duty 


was 


m a dump like this 
He toll me he was the second 
and, the CO. bein 


now on Chr 


him and his C.O.. 


from the 


hoasted a sergeant, three corpor 


station 
ls, one 
of whom was on Christmas duty and 
presumably in the corporal’ mess also 
his own, and 20 stores derks. all 
on leave. When not on leave. they 
ys classifying tons of sur 
plus clothing, parachutes. boots and 
other impedimenta that goes to make 
up a fighting service. 

There was no fire in the vestibule, 
though there was a large brick fireplace, 
nor any in the bar, either. Both rooms 
were freezing cold, and 1 м 
in after recovering, in the 
putting his head through 
arious doors leading off the hall. 
Joe. By 
after him. I took 
as but deserted di 
and cold, and the 


10 shiver 
car. Marks wa 
the 


shouting for someone called 
looking through 


twin passages, one leading to the officers 
private rooms, the other to the stall 
quarters, R.A.F. messes do not vary much 
in architecture; once а pattern, always 
patte 


m x 


ту its not very hospitable, old 
boy,” said Marks, havin 
the absent Joe. "Being only the two « 


led to find 


us on station here, and no visitors to 
speak ol. we've each made two bedro« 
to a sort of self-contained apartment, 
where we live. Hardly seems worth using 
1 this space just for the two of us. You 
heat them im winter. you know; 
not on the fuel they allow us. And you 
1 the stall." 
ed sensible. In his posit 
probably have done the same. 
"Not to worry.” I said. droppi 
flying helmet and attached оху; 
мо the other leather chair in the 
room. “Though I could do with а bath 


is 


on, Fd 


and а meal. 
"p think we 


1" he said. 
tying hard to play the genial host. "Fl 
get Joe to fix up one of the spare rooms— 
God knows we have enough of them—and 
1 up the water. Hell also rustle up 
L Nor much. I'm afraid. Bacon and 
eggs do? 

1 nodded. By this time. 1 presumed okl 
Joe was the mess steward. “Thar will do 
fine. While Fm waiting. do you mind if I 
use your phone: 

“Certainly. certainly. of course, you'll 
have to check in.” 

He ushered me into the mess secre 
татуу office, through a door beside the 
entrance to the bar. Tt was small and cold. 
but it had a chair. an empty desk and a 
telephone. 1 dialed 100 for the local op- 
cruor and while 1 was wait 
returned with a 
Normally. Т һай 


tumbler of wl 


uch spirits. but it 


went off t0 supervise the steward. My 
watch told me it was close to midnight. 
Hell of à way to spend Christmas, 1 


thought, Then 1 recalled how, 30 minutes 
lier, | had been crying to God for a 
bit of help. and felt ashamed 

“Little Minton.” said a drowsy voice. 
1t took ages to get through, for 1 had no 
telephone number lor Merriam St. 
George, but the girl got it eventually. 
Down the line, I could hear the telephone 
operator's family celebrating 
room. mo doubt the living quarters at- 
tached ıo the village post office. After а 
few minutes. the phone was 1 
Merriam St. George.” 
1 speaking from 


fhe 
pause. 
* said the voice, 


control, 


“Tm sorry 
ask who's calling: 


may 1 


1 gave him my name and rank. Spea 
1 wold 


ing from R.A.F. Mintoi 
But Fm afraid th 
No one on duty in 


эсе, si 
tonight, 


traffic control. А few of the officers up 
in the mess, thoug 

“Then give me the station duty officer. 
please.” 

When 1 got through to him. he was 
evidently i mess, for the sound of 
lively talk could be heard behind bim. 1 
xplained about the emergency and the 
fact that his st 1 been alerted to 
receive a. Vampire fighter coming in on 
n emergency G.C.A. without radio. He 
listened atiemively. Perhaps he was young 
nd conscientious, too, lor he was quite 
tion duty officer is supposed 
mes. even Christm: 

7 don't know that,” he said 
length. “I don't think we've been operi- 
ti ince we closed down at five this 
altenoon. But Im not on air traffic. 
Would vou hold on? ГИ get the wing 
commander—tlying. He's here.” 


ion 


sober, as а м 
to be at all 


bou 


There was se a an older 
voice сате on the line. 
Where are you speaking fre 


said, after noti ime, 


Гуе just m: 

emergency landing he 

neatly abandoned.” 
“Yes. I know,” he drawled 


luck. Do you want us to se 
lor you?" 
“No, it’s not that, sir. D dort mind 


Te. Irs just that I hinded at the 
infield, 1 believe 1 was h 
ld on а ground-contiolled 


ading 


for 


your 


è up your mind. Were you 
ought to know, Ас 
to what you say. you were flying 
the damn thing.” 

1 took а deep breath 


nel started at the 


beginning, 
5o you sec. sir, I was intercepted by 
the weather plane from Gloucester and 


he brought me 
have been on 
ger dow 
Minton, I ls 


But in this fog, it must 
G.C.A. No ой 
when 1 saw the lights of 


t way to 


nded hei 


7 he said at length, “Marvel- 
ous bit of flying by that pilot from 
Gloucester. "Course, those chaps ате up 
in all weathers. It's their job. What do 
you want us to do about it?" 

1 was getting exasperated. Wing com- 

mander he might have been, but he had 
had а skinful this Christmas Eve. 
m g to alert you to stand 
down your radar and trafficcontrol crews. 
They must be waiting for a Vampire 
that's never going to arrive. It’s already 
rrived—here at Minton.” 

“But we're dosed down,” he said. "We 
shut all the systems down at five o'clock. 
There's been no call for us to turn out.” 

“But Meriam St. George has a € 
1 protested. 

I know we have,” he shouted back. 
“But it hasn't been used tonight. It’s 


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been shut down since five o'dock.” 
І asked the next and last question 
slowly and carefully. 
"Do you know, sir, where is the nearest 
R.A.F. station that will be manning 
went egacycle band 


ty-four-hour 
The international 
frequency is 1215 


emergency listening?” 
rcraft-emergency 
egacycles. 


Yes,” he said equally slowly. “To the 
west, RAF. Marham. To the south, 
R.A.F. Lakenheath. Good night to you. 


Happy Chi: 

He put the phone down. I sat back 
and breathed deeply. Marham was 40 
miles away, on the other side of Norfolk. 
enhcath was 40 miles to the south, 
Suffolk. On the fuel I was carrying, not 
only could I not have made Merriam St. 
George. it wasn't even open. So how 
could 1 ever have got to Marham or 
h? And 1 had told that Mos- 
quito pilot that 1 had only five minutes’ 
fuel left. He had acknowledged that he 
understood. In any case, he was flying 
far too low after we dived into the fog 
ever to Пу 40 miles like that. The man 
must have been mad. 

It began to dawn on me that I didn't 
really owe my life to the weather pilot 
from Gloucester but to Flight Lieutenant 
Marks, beery, bumbling old passed-over 
Flight Lieutenant Marks, who couldn't 
tell one end. of an aircraft from another 
but who had run 400 yards through the 
fog to switch on the lights of an г 
doned runway because he heard 
engine circling overhead too close to the 
ground. Still, the Mosquito must be back 
at Gloucester by now and he ought to 
know that despite everything. E was ali 

"Gloucester" said the operator, 
ne of nil 


Yes.” E replied firmly, "Gloucester, at 
this time of might 
One thing about weather squadrons, 


they're always on duty. The duty metcor- 
ologist took the call. I explained the 
position to him 

“I'm afraid there must be some miv 
take, Flying Officer,” he said. "It could 


not have been one of ours, 
“That is R.A.F. Gloucester, right?" 
“Yes, it is Duty officer speaking.” 


Fine. And your unit flies Mosquitoes 
10 rake presure and temperature readings 
altitude, right 
Wrong." he said 
м 


“We used to use Mos- 
ıt out of service three 
We now use Canberras.” 

ag the telephone, st 
in disbelief. Then a came to me, 
What happened to them?" I asked. 
He must have been an elderly boffin of 
great courtesy and patience to tolerate 
darn-fool questions at that hour, 

“They were scrapped, 1 think, or sent 
off to museums, more likely. They're get- 
ting quite rare nowadays, you know." 

1 know," I said. “Could one of them 


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SEE PAGE 41. 


1.8, Postal Service statement of ownership, m 
Fireulation. 1, Pitie ut publleation 
September 24. TS 4. 1 


икта регион 
Mem at the n 


have been sold privately?" 
“I suppose it’s possible,” he s 
length, “It would depend on Air Mi 
policy. But I think they went to айс 
iseums." 
“Thank you 
And happy Chr 


Thank you very much, 
tmas.” 


1 put the phone down and shook my 
head in bewilderment. What a night, 


at an incredible hi! First Т lose my 
radio and all my instrun then I get 


lost and short of fuel, then I am taken in 


tow by some moonlighting harebrain with 
а passion for veteran aircraft fying his 
own Mosquito Unough the night, who 
happens to spot me, comes within an inch 
of killing m lly a һай 
ground.duty officer has the sense to put 
his runway lights on in time to save me. 
Luck doesn't come in much bigger slices. 
But one thing was certain: that amateur 
ir ace hadn't the faintest idea what he 
was doing. On the other hand, where 
would I be without him? I asked. Bobbing 
around dead in the North Sea by now. 

I raised the last of the whiskey to him 
and his strange passion for flying privately 
з outdated aircraft and tossed the drink 
back. Flight Lieutenant Marks put his 
head through the door. 

“Your room's ready." he said. "Number 
seventeen, just down the corridor. Joe's 
making up a fire for yor h water's 
heating. H you don't 
in. Will you be all right on your own?" 

1 greeted him with more friendliness 
than List time, which he deserved. 

“Sure, ТЇЇ be fine. Many thanks for all 
your help. 

I took my helmet and wandered down 
the corridor, flanked with the numbers 
of the bedrooms of bachelor officers long 
ce posted elsewhere, From the doorway 
of 17. а bar of light shone out into the pas- 
с. As T entered the room, an old man 
rose. from his knecs in front of the fire- 
place. He gave me a start. Mess stewards 
are usually R.A.F. servingmen. This one 
was near 70 and obviously a locally rc- 
ed civilian. employee. 

"Good evening. sir." he said 
sir. I'm the mess steward.” 

"Yes, Joe, Mr. Marks told me about 
you. Sorry to cause you so much trouble 
1 this hour of the night. I just dropped 


ad 


au 


"I'm Joe. 


“Yes, Mr. Marks told me. ТЇЇ have your 
dy directly. Soon as this fire 
burns up. itll be quite cozy 

The chill had not been taken off the 
room and I shivered in the nylon flying 
suit. 1 should have asked Marks for the 
loan of a sweater but had forgotte 

I elected to take my lonely evening 
meal in my room, and while Joe went 10 
ferch it. 1 had a quick bath, for the water 
was by then reasonably hot. While I 
toweled myself down and wrapped round 
тє the old but warm dressing gown that 
old Joe had brought with him, he set out 
nd placed a plate of sizzli 
bacon and eggs on 


room r 


By then the room 


was comfortably warm. the coal fire burn- 
ing brightly. the curtains drawn. While I 
ate, which took only a few mi for 
I was ravenously hung 
stayed to talk. 

“You been here long, Joe” 1 asked 
him, more out of politeness than genuine 
courtesy. 

"Oh. yes. sir. nigh on twenty years 
since just before the war, when the sta- 
tion opened." 
ve seen some changes, ch? Wasn't 


wasn't, sir, that jt wasn't.” 
And he told me of the days when the 
rooms were crammed with cager young 
pilos, the. dining room noisy with the 
darter of plates and cutlery, the bar roar- 
ing with bawdy songs: of months and 
years when the sky above the airfield 
тасса and snarled to the sound of 
piston engines driving planes to war and 
bringing them back again, 

While he talked. 1 emptied the re- 
der of ihe hall boule of red wine he 
1 brought from the bar store. А very 
good steward was Joe. After finishing, 1 
позе from the table, fished a cigarette 
from the pocket of my flying suit, lit it 
and sauntered round the room. The stew- 
ard began to tidy up the plates and the 
glass from the table. I halted before an otd 
photograph in a frame, standing а 
on the mantel above the crack 
stopped with my cigarette half raised to 
my lips. feeling the room go suddenly 
cold. 

The photo was old and stained, but 
behind its glass, it was still dear enough, 
It showed a young man of about my own 
years, in his carly 20s, dressed in flying 
gear. But not the gray suits and gleaming 
plastic crash helmet of today. He wore 
thick sheepskintined boots, rough serge 
trousers and the heavy sheepskin zip-up 
jacket. From his left hand dangled one 
of the softleather flying helmets they used 
to wear, with goggles attached, instead of 
the modern pilot's tinted visor. He stood 
with legs apart, right hand on hip, a de- 
ce, but he was not smiling. He 
t the camera with grim intensity. 
something sad about the eyes. 
d him, quite clearly visible, stood 
his aircraft. There was no mistaking the 
lean, sleek silhouette of the Mosquito 
fighter-bomber, nor the two low-slung 
pods housing the twin Merlin engines 
ave it its remarkable. performance. 
1 was about to say something to Joe when 
1 felt the gust of cold air on my back, One 
of d lows had blown open and the 
icy a 

“ГИ close it si" the old man said, 
and made to put all the plates back down 


There м 
Beh 


n. 
"No, TI do it.” 

IL took me two strides to cross to where 
the window swung on its steel frame. To 
get а bener hold, D stepped inside the 
curtain and stared out, The fog swirled in 


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PLAYBOY 


"First, the good news. Your uncle found true love 
about six months before he died!” 


w round the old mess building, dis- 
turbed by the current of warm air coming 
from the window. Somewhere, far away 
in the fog, І thought I heard the snarl 
of engines. There were no engines out 
there, just a motorcycle of some farm 
boy, taking leave of his sweetheart across 


the fens. I closed the window, made sure 
it secure and turned back into the 
room. 


“Who's the pilot, Joe?” 
“The pilot, sir? 
1 nodded toward the lonely photo- 
graph on the mantel 
“Oh, I see, sir. Tha 
John 
war, sir 
He placed the wineglass on top of the 
topmost plate in his hands. 
Е h2” J walked back to the pic- 
nd studied it dosely. 
ir. An Irish gentlema 


a photo of Mr. 
nagh. He was here du 


this 

“What sq 
still. pe 
ground, 

“Path find 
Very fine pilots, . sir. But I 
venture to say Г believe Mr. Johnny was 
the best of them all. But then I'm biased, 
sir. I was his batman, you see.” 

Fhere was no doubting it, The faint 
leuers on the nose of the Mosquito be- 
hind the figure in the photo read jx, Not 


268 Jig King but Johnny Kavanagh. 


Тһе whole thing was dear as day. 


K: 
with one of the crack sq 
the war. After the w 
force, probably goi 
car deal a few did. So he'd 
made a pile of money in the booming 
Fifties, probably bought himself a fine 
country house and had enough left over 
to indulge his real passion—flying. Or 
her recreating the past, his days of 
lory. He'd bought up an old Mosqu 
a one of the R.A.F. periodic auctions of 
obsolescent aircraft, refitted it and flew 
it privately whenever he wished. Not a 
bad way to spend your spare time, if 
you had the money. 

So hed been flying back from some 
tip to Europe, had spotted me turning 


triangles above the cloud bank, real- 
ized 1 was stuck and taken me in tow. 
Pinpointing his position precisely by 


crossed radio beacons, knowing this stretch 
of the coast by heart, he'd taken a chance 
of finding his old airfield at Minton, even 
in thick fog. It was a hell of 
then I had no fuel left, 
that or bust 

I had no doubt I could trace the man, 
probably through the Royal Aero dub 

"He was certainly а good pilot,” I said 
rellectively, thinking of this evening's 


stid old Joe from be- 
hind me. xkoned he had eyes 
like a cat, did Mr. Johnny. I remember 


many's the time the squadron would re- 
turn from dropping marker flares over 
bombing targets in Germany and the rest 
of the young gentlemen would go into 
the bar and have a drink. More likely 
several.” 


1 asked. 
iore often he'd h: 
his Mosquito refueled and саке off 
alone, going back over the Channel or 
the North Sea to see if he could find some 
crippled bomber making for the coast 
and guide it home.” Е 
Т frowned. These big bombers h 
own bases to go to. 
“But some of them would have taken 
a lot of enemy fla and somctimes 
they had their radios knocked out. All 
over, they came from. Marham, Scampton 
Waddington; the big four-engined ones, 
Halifaxes, Stinlings and Lancasters, a bit 
before your time, if you'll pardon my s 
ing so, si 
“I've seen pictures of them,” I ad. 
mitted. "And some of them fly in air 
parades. And he used to guide them 
back. 
1 could imagine diem in my mind's 
eye, gaping holes in the body, wings and 
creaking and swaying as the pilot 
weht to hold them steady for home, a 
wounded or dying crew, and the radio 
shot to bits. And I knew, [rom too recent 
experience, the bitter loneliness of the 
winter's sky at night, with no radio, no 
guide for home and the fog blotting out 


d their 


"That's right, sir. He used to go up for 
second flight in the same night, l- 
ling out over the North Sea, looking for 
rippled plane. Then he'd guide it 
home, back here to Minton, sometimes 
through fog so dense you couldn't sce 
your hand. Sixth sense, they said he had; 
something of the Irish in him." 

I tuned from the photograph and 
stubbed my cigarette butt into the ash- 
tray by the bed. Joe was at the door. 

"Quite a man,” | said, and I meant 
it. Even today, middle-aged, he was a 
superb Шет. 

“Oh, yes, sir, quite а man, Mr. Johnny. 
I remember him saying to me once, 
nding right where you are, before the 
“Joe,” he said, "whenever there's 
one of them out there in the night, try 
to get back, TI go out and bring h 
hon 

1 nodded gı 
obviously worsh 

"Well" I si 
still doing it. 

Now Joe smiled. 

"Oh, 1 hardly think so, 
Johnny went out on his la 
Chris 
ago tonight. He never came back, 
He went down with his plane somewhere 
ut there in the 
And happy Ch 


vely. The old man so 
ped ime officer. 
. “by the look of it, he's 


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AOSAN Sow 


JUGS (continued from page 158) 


; but if they're as huge as you're tell- 
ing me they are, even half that big, they 
can be only one thin; епз Jugs. 
And. man, I mean Jugs 
Vho's һе?” demanded Mayor Coppard. 
a, ha, why, he's a pimp, a sure- 
enough citified pimp,” replied Fanning. 
whom everyone referred to as Long John. 
a Carryover from their carefree youthful. 
town's combination cattle 
h and swimming hole. "Chief Parker 
thought we ought to have an expert on 
women out here, ha, ha, to see if we 
t predict the next move. A real expert 
on women. Ha, ha, Jugs! Techee.” 

“Yes, sir, JUGS, with a capital UGS, 
y Let's sec, the big- 
gest set D сап recall was on a broad iu 
Aberdeen. They was so monstrous two of 
us couldn't get four hands around one 
of them. Man.” he said, shaking his head, 
“iL these is anywhere near the size vou 
boys say they is, man, I'd sure like to 
get that working for me.” 


's a murderer,” shot out Chief 
"She's taken human lives. men's 
d boys. She oyed. Once 


said. Maylorder, patting 
cute 5 bottom with one hand 
and taking Mayor Coppard's $20 
the other, "you can't go off hall-cocked 
nce aginst а set of 
broad isn't evil. Those jugs 
They're just оре 
ig to get ret 
nst a pair of tits is crazy. Why, 
are nothing more 


glandular organs, and also, by the way, 


secondary sweat glands, I'm an expert. 
Broads aren't too bright. ‘They exist on 
sinet and impulse. The impube to 
nurse is powerful. This broad could be 
sick. The patterns of its Jile are so be- 
yond its control that damage to onc 
small mechanism could cause it to di 


orient and behave strangely” he said, 
helping 10 the back of his 
мак and nother 20 from 


Mayor Copp 
When something tips too far one 
or the other, peculiar things happen. 
Why. 1 remember a case I studied at 
Pandarus Seminary where one broad— 
onc—took on а regiment of Cossacks in 
one night. But that was in the Caucasus, 
ad they get the northern 
“Women have everything a scientist 
dreams ol. They're beautiful—God, how 
beautiful they are! They're 
possible piece of perfect machir 
Maylorder. waxing ecstatic and 
20 from Feldmeyer and pushing him into 
the back of the truck. “They're as grace- 
ful as any bird. They're as mysterious as 
any animal on earth. No one knows for 
sure how long they live or what impul- 
ses—except for hunger—they respond to. 


ghis. 


There are more than two hundred and 
fifty species of broads, and every one is 
different from every other onc. Scientists 
spend their lives trying to lind answers 
about broads, and as soon as they come 
up with a nice pat generalization, some- 
thing shoots it down, People have beer 
wying to find an effective broad repellent 
for two thousand years. They've never 
found one that rcally works." 
But why here?" stutter-whistlelisped 
stepping out of the truck and 
the gum from his shoe. "Why 
Why not in the tourist. 
towns like Lea d Deadwood? 
"We don't know," said Maylorder, 
speaking for all of science. “The line be- 
tween the natural and the preternacural 
is very cloudy. 1 things occur, and 
for the most part, there's a logical ex 
plana 
there are no good or sensible answers. 
Say two men are out walking, one in 
front of the other, and a broad comes up 
from behind, passes right by the guy 
in the rear and goes after the guy in 
front. Why? Maybe they smelled different. 


an 


tion. But for a whole lot of things, 


"How many times I gol to ask 


Maybe the one in front was walking 
in a more provocative way. Say the guy 
in back, the one who wasn't attacked, 
goes to help the one who was attacked. 
The broad may not attack him—while 
she keeps banging away at the guy she 
did hit. Broads with big tits are sup- 
posed to prefer cool climates, but yet we 
have reports, authenticated cases, of 
broads with monstrous tits living in the 
пор.” He threw up his hands 
tific resignation. 

Who knows why its here? It cer- 
tainly doesn't have much of а male pop- 
n to feed on. Why not some bigger 
? 1 don't know. There must be some 
Thats why I'm here. To k 
son and put those jugs to work 


in 


n 


y Havisham was posumistress of 
Ardent. No one knew how old she was. 
She seemed to have been there before the 
town was founded. p: 
Yankton Sioux. She was a Bil 
mudic and Koranic schola 
Havisham took no chances. Jane 
hated her. Calamity Havisham read all of 


rou Lo 


go easy on the stops?” 


269 


PLAYBOY 


270 parallelogram, 


Jane's mail including the love letters Jane 
Sent to herself. Calamity Havisham recited 
them to all her visitors. With young boys, 


took on such an 

ar air that they called her Unde 
Calamity. 

^] just want that broad—Jugs, you call 


her—killed.” said Chief Parker, turning 
his head as Jane climbed out of the truck. 
nd accepted two fives from Maylorder. 
“I you can't do it, ГЇЇ get someone who 


Long John Fanning was no dummy, 
her. He was well read. Guinness Book 
of World Records. That very night, he ad- 
dressed а letter to Wragby Hall, Hope 
Under Dinmore, Shropshire. 


h'm Mellors" said the man in the 


uweed jacket, сар, cord breeches and 
gaiters. "Ah know'd уша send for m 


“That's Mellor,” said Fanning, danc- 
ing around Uncle Mao's wet wash. “I 
told you 1 sent for him, Chief. He's the 
world’s champion milker. 1 think he's our 
1 to get Jugs.” 

Ay" said Mellors, holding up his 
-hard hands and long, strong brown 
‘cightecn ponds, fur ounces otta 
mah ‘olst 


h gets ma 
.. Wamen and cows is 
illa same wi me. If they pisses from а 
cunt and shits from а hole, суз alla 
same wi me. Ah'm na afrid o' no tits in 
the world. 

“Ah fell asleep once in ma field. When 
woke, ah sah this grt tit агра ma head 
Ic startled ma, but 
gave it a goo thump and the be'st let ow 
a strem o' piss and a grt glob o' shit 
rut in ma fas. | know a French- 
man'll pay plenty о” good money fer tha 
ba ah dinna lik it a bi. But ah wern 
afrîd. 1f ah kin jus git ma hand on them 


jugs, ah'll milk "cr dry, until those jug 
is ba flappin’ shets." 
“Мейоз, ch?" said Chief Parker. 


“What's the rest of your name, Mellors: 
“Tha's all, Mellors," said he of the 


Chief,” interjected Fanning, “Mcllors 
did not name himself. "Twas a foolish, 
ignorant, whim of his crazy, widowed 
mother, who died when he was only a 
twelvemonth old.” 

"Look, Chiel.” Fanning continued, un- 
rolling а map of Ardent, "I've been doing 
some figuring. Every strike that Jugs has 
le has been in this arca," he said, 
g his finger in a semicircle from 
cemetery to Rapucci 
rw. "Ive also been figuring that this 
«талу cunt only strikes on dark 
nights, and, since pi squared is 
€ cosine of the hypotenuse,” he said, 
giving Mellors a Гам display of his bio- 
physicist’s education, “Jugs is going to 
strike here next,” he proclaimed. putting 
his finger imto the center of the town 
“and it’s going to strike 


between the octave of Michaelmas and 
Saint Crispin's at eleven. fifteen and а 
half т-м. exactly, eleven and а half min- 
utes after che third flash of lightning has 
lit up the western sky. 

"Oh. boy," said Maylorder. "That's 

terrific. I'm going to be in my truck, ma 
ing movies. No one has 
g like this belore. An actual Kill by 
Jugs. Then if I can get her in my truck, 
we can make a killing. 1 got to get some- 
thing for bait. 
“I know; we can use the boys, the 
ture Farmers. I'll have one right outside 
the truck and reel him in and she'll fol 
low. We cin go on tour, co 
‘The world!” 

Chief Parker looked astounded. "I 
don't think I can let you do that,” he said 
quietly but firmly. 

“You can't stop me,” shouted Maylor- 
der. "Its my truck and the town parallelo- 
gram is public property." The chief 
dropped his head in acknowledgment 
that he was beaten by Maylorder's logic 

Mellors, meanwhile, leaned on Uncle 
Mao’s ironing board, listening but not 
joining 


to coast. 


mused sneer 
mouth, 


playing in the corners of hi 


Since arriving in Ardent, Mellors had 


practice. J er now walked with 
her arms folded across her chest. Farmer 
Rapuccini’s cows tripped over their dugs 
on the way to the milking barn and lowed 
mournfully whenever they saw Mellor 
His heart that beat in time with nature's 
that he had a re 
h those great white jugs. He 
sang softly to himsell 


“Ha, ha, ha! Tis ya und ma. 
Grt whit Jugs, don’ ah luv thee? 
Ha, ha, ha! Tis ya und ma 
Grt whit Jugs, don’ ай luv thee?" 
“What do we do now? What in the 
ame of God can we do now? There's 
ing leh,” moaned Chiel Parker, sur- 
veying the ruins of Maylorder’s truck, 
The thing—Jugs—had come as F: 
ing predicted. But it swept through the 
boy bait, Fanning, and it then smothered 
Maylorder in its great white boobs. 
Emerging from the truck, it had stopped, 
kimbo, biting its wom: 
in contempt and triumph, uh 
a 


hood. As i 
great Jugs hung suspended for 


тыа, 


1, not. nat 
All we сап do is wait 
until God or nature, whatever the hell 
is doing this 10 us, decides we've had 
enough. 105 out of man's hand: 
id Mellors, holding up 
Ah'm ginna kill ‘at thi 
mil "em jugs. Cum ef ya wan’, 
me ef va got- 
tem. Ba ah'm 


horn 


As Мейо spoke, Chief Parker looked 
into his eyes. They seemed as dark and 
bottomless as the nipples оп Jugs. “ГИ 


come,” said Parker. “1 guess Ì have no 
choice.” 

Na.” said Mellors, "wa "avc na 
choice.” He removed his gloves. 


She's waiting for ust” screamed Parker. 
“Ah know,” said Mellors. 
How did she- 
Et don’ matter,” 
got 'er na." 

Parker saw fever in Mellors' face—a 
heat that lit up his dark eyes, an intensity 
that drew his lips back from his teeth 


id Mellors. “Ah've 


in a crooked smile, an anticipation that 
strummed the sinews in his neck and 
whitened the brown knuckles on his 


horn-hard hands. 

Mellors approached. horn-had 
first, singing softly, "Ha, ha, h 
und ma 

Jugs seemed 10 smile. 
slid from her shoulde 
Shorty’s Diner struck 
degrees across her body 


The 
Ti 
t an angle of 32 


raincoat 
2 light from 


Those jugs are beauty," Parker 
thought, “Its the kind of thing that 


makes you believe in God. It shows what 
nature can do when she sets her mind 
to 


Mellors could sce now that those jugs 
measured a good four feet from shoulder 
to the point of the nipples. ‘The nipples 
alone, where he would fasten those horn- 
hard hands, were the size of a B cup. 

‘They were alive now, erect, throbbing, 
tumescent. Waiting lor Mellors. He ap- 
proached. Reached. He had them! He 
had them in his horn-hard hands! 
Thoughts of technique flashed across his 
mind. 

"Sha' ah give ‘er a ‘olstein ‘ack, a 
brown Swiss twis—ah, a Ayrshire jerk 

He had her, locked in the Ayrshire 
jerk. Precious seconds were all he needed. 

Jugs reached out her incredibly long 

ns Her Mike fingers locked on 
Mellors jug-handle cars. 
Parker could [eel the warm milk rising 
"White as Uncle Mao's 
7 he thought. When he looked 
up, Jugs was standing over him, tra 
behind her the body of Mellors— 
out to the sides, hom hard 
gling, head thrown back, mouth open in 
mute protest. 

Parker's last thought. w: 
had always hated her little tits. 

Jugs stepped nimbly over the bodies, 
picked up her raincoat and slipped it on, 
practiced hands working the toggles, belts 
and buuons. She yawned, a great, deep, 
primal yawn. “Time to get this show on 
the road,” she thought. "Ready now for 
the hig time—New York, Hollywood. 
She slid easily into the driver's seat of 
Maylorder’s truck. The adjustable steer- 
standard. “Hello to Holly- 
tid, turning the key. 


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27 


PLAYBOY 


272 his Dorothy. P. 


ela elite €T1 


financing. An ex-coal miner, he drifted 
into acting simply because the wages were 
better than in any of the other jobs he had 
assayed (including those of construction 
worker, short-order cook, baker, truck 
driver idewalk pitchman)- 

It was, of course, last year's Death Wish 
that, after more than 50 movi shot 
Bronson into the realm of American su- 
perstardom, even though ће had been a 
number-one attraction abroad for the past 
six years. Death Wish brought him back 
to the streets of Manhattan and Breakout 
placed him as a daredevil aviator on both 
sides of the Mexican border. This year 
also found Bronson in Hard Times, as a 
laconic, bare-knuckles boxer way down 
yonder in New Orleans during the De- 
pression. Indeed, so tight-mouthed is he 

at he would rather have his ladyfriend 
Ireland) turn prostitute than tell 
that he loves her. His latest film, 
heart Pass, finds him a frontier card- 
the period immediately after the 
nd (who's really Mrs. 
Bronson) again on hand, this time as the 
wife of a dastardly colonel who plans to 
steal a trainload of gold. 

When Bronson looks at a script, he's 
not just thinking of a. part for himself, 
His wife, who played opposite him in 
Rider on the Rain, one of his French 
films of the late ties, has co-starred 
with him ever since. "There's no doubt 
in my mind,” says Robert Chartoff, the 
producer of Breakout, “that when Cha 
reads а script, his greatest concern 
whether there's a good role in it for Jill.” 
The Bronsons also share six children: five 
from previous marriages, the sixth—Zu- 
leika, now four—their first together. To 
accommodate this accumulation of off- 
spring. plus assorted nannies, tutors and 
family retainers, the Bronsons, wh: 
were in New Orleans earl 
working on Hard Times, took over an 
g of one floor in the posh Е 
On one occasion, Bronson dedared 
to his producer his desire to dine, on short 
notice, at the exclusive and expensive 
Antoine's—dinner for 16 in the next half 
hour, please. Through heavy bribery, the 
producer was able to arrange а table in 
one of Antoine's few private rooms. But 
Bronson quickly made it clear that he 
wanted to cat with the people. More dol- 
law bills—many more—changed hands 
d the pany was shifted to one of the 
main dining rooms, where Bronson. was 
geted by the autograph hounds. 
Said one of the observers, “He did it all 
г Jill. Ht was simply to show her how 


ind 


is unique—in Hollywood, at le. 
this single-minded passion for his Jill. 
There have, of course, been longer mar- 
Wages of record. Robert Mitchum has 
been wed for something like 35 
aul Newman, 


(continued from page 190) 

would rather take on dreck like The 
Drowning Pool than be too long parted 
from Joanne Wood nt Eastwood 
relies on his Maggie not only to whip him 
but also to accompany him on 
his farflung locations. James Coburn, 


wives dating back to the years before they 
started making it big, to whom. presum- 
ably. they all are truc, to the dismay of 
their feminine followers. 

But the private lives of the stars 
that concern us here so much as their 
uvers up there on the big 

there the top male stars 
active than ever, with some 


And 
scem more 
kind of medal—if only for endurance— 


going to Warren Beatty for his nonstop 
screwing in Shampoo. As Beatty, tooling 
from bedroom to bedroom on his Tr 


umph, explains to Goldie Hawn, he just 


seems to be Clint Eastwood's attitude in 
The Eiger Sanction, in which every fe- 
male in the cast is overtly on the make. 
The fact that some of these ladies are 
spies, eager to pry into Eastwood's past 
as well as his pants, merely spices the 
action. Hackman, who barely had time 
for a quickie in The French Connection 
and had to be dragged into a seduc 
scene in The Conversation, finds plenty 
of time for amorous dalliance with Jen- 
nifer Warren in this year's Night Moves. 
Newman is more pursued than pursu- 
ng in The Drowning Pool, particularly 
by teenaged Melanie Griffith, who, in ab- 
breviated halter and shorts, slips into 
his motel room and literally begs to be 
taken, much n Shampoo, Beatty 


seduced by an equally nymphetomaniacal 
rrie Fisher, Again, in Antonionis The 
Passenge ler virtually forc- 


es herself upon а world-weary Nicholson. 
In the films of 1975, more often than not, 
5 


the female is the aggressor, with such st 
as Beatty, Eastwood, Hackman, Newman 
and Nicholson their not unwilling victims. 

If these are the top male stars of the 
moment, their instant replacements are 
not too far behind. Swiftly moving up 
toward the front rank, for example, is 
James Caan, who, after garnering con- 
siderable praise for his work last y 
The Gambler. promptly proved his versa- 
tility by playing а somewhat goyish Billy 
Rose to Barbra Streisand's. Fanny Brice 
in Funny Lady. Because director Norman 
Jewison had se ıembered his 
performance as the doomed football play- 
er in television's Brian's Song, 
Jewison's first and only choice for the 
strong-willed, superathletic Jonathan E. 
in Rollerball, a picture that might well 
prove the turning point in Cain's accel 
erating carcer. Few top male stars today 
would be up to the rigors of the fiendish 
sport that Jewison and his cohorts devised 
the main event of the 21st Century—a 
bination of ice hockey, roller derby 


rin 


со 


hout stunt 


and sheer mayhem—not wi 


the freshman football team and the swim- 
ming team and for a number of years has 
been an active member of the Rodeo 
Cowboys’ Association, Acclaimed for his 
work in Rollerball, Caan moved imme 
diately into Sam Peckinpah's The Killer 
Elite, which, in view of Peckinpah's well- 
ion to leave an editing 
room, may or may not make it to the 
screen before 1975 calls it quits; then he 
joined Elliott Gould. ideville com- 
ely, Harry and Walter Go to New York. 
(Connie Kreski, Cain's bea 
roommate, v soon be on 
with George Segal in The Black Bird, 
a take-off on The Maltese Falcon.) 

The roles Caan doesn't get these days 
often go to Bruce Dern, who keeps fit by 
running—not jogging. ruming—a couple 
of miles а day in front of his Malibu 
beach pad. Dern, like his friend. Nichol- 
son, spent most of his formative years in 
the business being mean on а motorcycle, 
then continued to be extremely unpleas- 
ant in such films as Wild Angels, Will 
Penny, Drive, He Said, Thumb Tripping 
and The Cowboys (in which he had the 
ungrateful task of shooting down John 
Wayne). Perhaps because his thin but 
toothy smile suggests a sneer, Dern was 
last year as the patrician Tom Bu- 
chanan in nouns ill-fated The 
Great Gatsby. The picture was not, in 
fact, ill fated for Dern. Many critics, no- 
ing him for the first time, felt that he 
snatched the show away from Gatsby him- 
self, Robert Redford—ánd several ob- 
served that the picture might have been 
better if the casting had been reversed. 

In 1975, Dem costarred with Kirk 
Douglas in a superior, if low-budgeted, 
Western called Posse, playing a vill 
again but this time a villain who by sheer 
amning was able to outclass the equally 
illainous Douglas. Smile found Dern iu 
the unlikely role of a small-town di 
berobcommere beauty-contest boost 
id again his performance won him 
kudos—plus the starring role, opposite 
Karen Black, in Alfred Hitchcock's forth- 
coming (next Easter) Family Plot. By 
1976, Dern should be in full orbit, with 
Won Ton Ton, the Dog That Saved 
Hollywood ly announced. 


n- 


t provided 
nomenally successful 
saga of terror m the briny deep. Ja 
Eight days after it opened, this $8,000,000 
s safely in the black; what- 
in since the nd it's been. 
plenty—is pure gravy. And riding high on 
gravy train are at least two of its 
с cast members, Roy Scheider and 
Robert Shaw, 
member of the shark-hunting 
triumvirate, fully sustained his consider- 
able reputation as one of the ablest char- 
acter actors around, but this was hardly 


production w 


ever lias come 


m 
young Richard Dreyfuss. 
the third 


“The damn thing’s full of swan’s-down.” 


273 


PLAYBOY 


274 


news. Scheider, on the other hand. very 
definitely was news. He had been seen 
earlier to good advantage аз Hackman's 
side-kick in The French Connection and 
to less advantage in such films as Loving, 
Star! and Klute; but those few who could 
be induced to see Sheila Levine Is Dead 
and Living in New York carlicr this year 
came сей that they were 
watching n Belmondo, (Like 
Belmondo, Scheider had had his nose 
broken in the ring. It was his second— 
and List—Gold test; he had 
won the other one.) With Jaws and Sheila 
Levine, Scheider emerges at year's end a 
strong contender for sex stardom. 

And so does his Jaws co-star, Richard 
Dreyfuss. Last year, in the Canadian-made 
Apprenticeship of Duddy Kravitz, he came 
on like the engagingly dynamic Albert 
теу in Tom Jones. There was the 
е unbridled energy, the same sense of 
nce, the same flashing smile. 
And while Tom was an endearii 
whereas Duddy was chillingly u 
lous, Dreyfuss contrived to make him 
warm, human and—yes—even lovable. 
or a total change of pace, after сот: 
pleung Jaws, Dreyfuss went to England, 
where, in three short weeks, he made 
Inserts, an X-rated movie that promises 
to be one of the most controversial of 197 
In it he plays brilliandy, an alcoholic 
"boy wonder" director from the Holly 
wood of the late Twenties. Washed up in 
the studios, he supports himself by grind- 
ing out porno pix for a shady producer 
who pays him off mainly. it would seem, 
with booze and cocaine. When one of his 
"stars" (Veronica Cartwright) O.D.'s, he 
inducts his producers sexy mistress (Jes 
sica Harper) into the art of moviemaking. 
By the end of the film, Dreyfuss, his fears 
of impotence allayed, has become the 
giliriend’s enthusiastic costar in a 
porno. Inserts is as specifically sexual as 
y film from a major studio (in this in- 
United Artists) has ever been. For 
s the kind of role from which 
no turning back. Fans will never 
again sce him as the chubby-checked inno- 
of American Graffiti. 

Iso busily im i 
ple of Englishmen 
tor Mich; 


rock singer Roger 
Ч York. Thou 


the bli 
won him 
the Yea 

interviewer 


Tommy was а poof. "T hat's 
why 1 did Lésstomania; 1 was worried 
about people thinking I was "Tommy. 
2 was a completely diff 
. a completely flambo 
extrovert, torn between religion and this 
terrible lust for women.” Looking over 
«lvance proofs of a PLAYBOY layout of 
Lisztomania, featuring his lovely costar 
Fiona Lewis, Daltrey observed with a 
sigh: "And to think I was paid for suck- 
ing these tits a whole afternoon?" Daltrey. 
who at 31 has been married twice and is 


the father of four, admits he has an. eye 
for women. “Fortunately,” he told a re- 
porter, "my wife accepts it. 

York, once described by columnist 
Joyce Haber as “a perfect cover subject 
for Gentleman's Quarterly," hopes that 
his emergence from understated roles 
(Cabaret, Murder on the Orient Express), 
begun with the swashbuckling D'Arta- 
acterization in the two Muskel- 
s. will be completed with next 
spring's release of Logan's Run. In that 
film. the first to utilize holography, he'll 
play a member of a 231d Century eli 
police force. (York, incidentally, is mar- 
ied to photographer Pat McCallum, who 
shot his portrait for this feature: it all be- 
gan when Glamour magazine assigned her 
to photograph him on location for The 
Guru in 1968. “Michael who?" she asked.) 

^ couple of years ago, one might have 
asked “Robert who?" when the name 
Robert De Niro came up. Not today. De 
Niro registered strongly as the dying, not 
too bright baseball player in Bang the 
Drum Slowly and again as the not too 
bright Litle Italy punk in Martin Scor- 
Mean Streets. But his stock soared 
1 he played the young Vito 
the Marlon Brando role, in 
"d Coppola's The Godfather, 

uncanny port 
bly set critics to com 
welf to the youthful Bı 
Meanwhile, De Niro, now 30, has tr 
cled to Italy to work with Bernardo. 
(Last Tango in Paris) Bertolucci in the 
upcoming 1900, до New York for another 
Scorsese film, Taxi Driver, and then back 
to Hollywood for yet another attempt to 
translate F. Scou Fitzgerald to film, in 


sese 
this year wh 
Corleone, 


The Last Tycoon. 
All of three years 


yo, when streaking 
n fashion, Perry King streaked twice 
at a party at Karen Valentine's. Hand- 
some and vi 
tion in mov year а 
the ducktailed Lords of Flatbush, a tough 
d knowing study of a Brooklyn street 
gang, circa 1950, How he stepped out of 
his T-shirt into the boiled shirt and tus 
cdo of this year’s The Wild Party is one 
of those mysteries that keep Hollywood 
such a fascinating place; but as the lover 
juel Welch away from por- 
nes Coco, King brought 


back echoes of Valentino and his dozens 
of imitators during the Twenties, That 
this was more than mere imitation King 


impressively demonstrated in the deplor- 
able but profitable Mandingo. Whether 
whupping nigras on the ole plantation, re 
jecing a defiled Susan George or cud- 
up to his favorite slave, Brenda 
Sykes, he presents ап authentic roman- 
tic figure. 
ing ahead even faster is young Jan- 
| Vincent, who began to develop 
appcarance 
ppearance in 
eful, Hash of 
dity and revealed that he 


full-fron 


was an actor of no me: y. Richard 
Brooks was casting against the grain when 
he put Vincent into his Bite the Bullet 
as а bragging, bullying cowpoke who 


cent more believable in Bullet 
he had been as Buster, His talent 
nd good looks also worked to his advan- 
i White Line Fever— 
Walking Tall with trucks—while in the 
forthcoming Baby Blue Marine, there is 
also a measure of pathos. In Vigilante 
Force, co-starring with Kı iollerson 
(who is also on the rise), he plays a tough- 
guy hero, the kind of role that often makes 
Vincent has been described as a 
rebel, a dropout and a nonconformist (all 
bad words in Hollywood's lexicon); but 
the faa is d t 30, he has simply 
chosen to live his own life. He shares a 
rustic Topanga Canyon home, some of 
he bu | his wife, 
old daughter. 
Amber, and has only just begun do 


в 
the Bel y because he 
likes it but because he knows it is ex- 
pected of a coming star. 

"The possibilities of stardom just 


beginning to flicker for the youthful 
Don Johnson and Keith Carradine. John- 
son, with merry eyes amd а voluptuous 
mouth, could be Pan incarnate. Hc 
registered strongly with those few who 
saw him in 4 Boy and His Dog. an inde- 
pendent production that may sound like 
а Disney movie but is actually based on 
one of Harlan Ellison's more chilling 
visions of the world of tomorrow. 
won a considerably wider audience in 
American Inte р 

Return to Macon County. pla 
less ашо mechanic who unwitti 


involved with a gun-toting ress 
(Robin Mauson) and a psychopathic 
Georgia cop (Robert Viharo). As is 


ually the case with 7 movies, there 
ys the possibility that Johnson and 
his good buddy (Nick Nolte) may be more 


than friends, but their open appreciation 
of the opposite sex minimizes thi 
suspicion. 

Keith Са son of 


aaor John and brother of Kung Fws 
David, made his film bow a few years 
go with Kirk D d Johnny Cash in 
A Gunfight. He i strong impression. 
as a neophyte gunslinger in Robert Alt 
s McCabe & Mrs. Miller and was 
starred last year by Altman asa star-crossed 
loser in Thieves Like Us. This year, Alt 
him „ to portray the wom- 
anizing minstrel, Tom Frank. in Маз, 
and the results are electrifying. C 
dine's cynical assurance of his own sex- 
uality—as when, having finished with 
Lily Tomlin, he telephones for another 
rssignation while she is still in his room— 
both repel 


АсһаПу, Nashville may well 
given birth to a whole new gene 


Sawyers projectors. 
e today. 


It's not surprising to find a family enjoying the same Sawyer's* Projector for years, 
because each one is built with a lifetime of entertainment in mind 
Intact. Sawyer's Projectors are designed and tested to last for a million slide changes. 
Solid state electronics and gear driven mechanisms help make them especially reliable. 
except foran occasional dusting and bulb change. there really isn't much for 1 
youto do with a Saw s, Except enjoy yourself. I 
Today, and for yearsotlornorro i ji 


GA i Sawyers projectors. The dependable ones. 


PLAYBOY 


playing а rising CRW 
star, had only one prior film appearance— 
commercial promoting the Silver 
wiry Club. She had come to Altman's 
а songwriter; Altman bought 
not only the songs but Ronee as well. 
Nashville also introduced. Gwen Welles 
to а wider audience. True, she had once 
lyed an important role in her onetime 
and good friend Roger Vadim's 
Helle, but that didn’t sell many ticket 
Last year, Altman used her as one of 
i 
wi 


hookers in California Split, but she 
lost in the crush. No one who has 
n Nashville, however. will quickly for- 


see 
ger the 


port waitres who performs a 
reluctant striptease—dispirited yet de- 
fiant—for a local political dub. Welles 
has been kicking around Hollywood for 
а long time, Nashville has given her her 
chance 10 kick back. 
askville also a Black a 
chance 10 overcome some odd casting that 
had befallen since her memorable 
performance in the otherwise forgettable 
The Great Gatsby. m Law and Disorder, 
sh it's lloozy aide 
de she was saddled 
ng a 
safely to port, Her 
The Day of the Locust 
persuasive enough but about ten 
years overage in grade. But in Nashville, 
the CRW star who has made it—and 
tends 1 keep it—Black is sensational, 
overflowing, with false sincerity onstage 
and olf. calculating. precisely to whom to 
be bitchy and upon whom to fawn. Its 
orgeous. gutsy performance that seems 
to well up from her own experiences with 
which she's never quite made 
number one. But shes sull in 
pitching. This past Fourth of ушу. 
ed Hollywood's most publicized 
irbanks married 
919 —2 dawn ce 
secluded forest to which she 


her 


abled jetliner 
ye Greener i 


showbiz. i 


mony in 


had invited. as one of her guests later 
stated. "600 of her nearest and dearest 
friends." The bridegroom wis w 


Kit" Carson, who had met her in 
Oui. 


eM. 
the course of an. interv 
many of 
n, 


female 
Christi 


Bursty 
single and seen 


Weldi—are now 
recently to risk matrimony. аот Went 
besides Black Minnelli (whose 
bearded spon Jr. the 
producer of Thai's Entertainment? for 
MGM. landed a new job as president of 
20th Century-Fox Television within da 

of the wedding): 
after the debacle of a long 
with Italian маг Marcello Mastroianni, 
wed musician Peter Woll. several years 
her junior 1 hazebeyed Katharine 
Ross, who. after a five-y ison with ace 
ı Conrad Hall, impetuous- 
nt Tom Li 


1 production assi 


during the filming of The Stepford Wives. 

A younger bride is Deborah Raffin, the 
22-year-old who has already been com- 
pared to the early Grace Kelly. A product 
of Bel Air, she had made it as а fashion 
model and cover girl well before, at the 


age of 19, she was chosen to pli um 
mann's daughter in 40 Carafs—and. also 
well before Michael Viner, an independ- 
ently wealthy writer-producer a es- 
record-company executive. began courting 
her with minks and Mercedes, Viner be- 


me first her husband, then he 
Also pushing onward, 
no Viner to guide her, is th 


manager. 
though w 
talented Jill 
aybungh. upcoming as Carole Lombard 
1 Lombard and Gable. As a 
she made a tremendous impression as a 
top hustler in an unusually daring (for 
television) Movie of the Week, Hustling. 
Director Sidney Furie saw the show and 
tested her for the Lombard role—which, 
after bleaching her hair blonde, she won 
over studio favorite Sally Kellerm 
Once Al Pacino's one and only, Jill w; 
succeeded by, among others. Tuesd 
Weld after Pacino scored in the original 
GodJather. As it happens, Tuesday (а nat- 
ural blonde) wouldn't have been a bad 
choice, either, for the freethinking. frec- 


brunette, 


her, the 18-year-old daughter 
of Debbie Reynolds and Eddie Fisher, 
scored heavily in Shampoo as Lee Grant's 
mom-hating daughter who seduces Beatty 
out of her mothers bed and into her 
own. Oddly enough, Debbie, the peren- 
nially virginal heroine of such films as 
The Afjairs of Dobie Gillis and Tammy 
and the Bachelor, gave her full assent to 
Carrie's role. She simply wants her 
daughter to outdo Liza Minnelli. De- 
scribed by one Hollywood writer as "17 
ng on 15," Carrie just might do it. 
And then there is Mel 
Lippi Hedren's exceedingly augh- 
ter, dubbed by Arthur Penn, who directed 
her in Night Moves, “the Lolita of the 
Seventies.” If you happened to see h 
a that film or in Smile or The Drowning 
Pool, the reason is obvious, Long-limbed 
and golden, she has a face that is at once 
sullen and seductive, with the quirky 
allure of a little girl who has grown up 
too soon, Perhaps she has. Visiting hi 
pother on the set of The Harrad Experi 
ment, playing hooky from Hollywood 
High at the age of 14, she fell in love 
with actor Don Johnson, then barely into 
his 20s. The two were inseparable. Be- 
lore she was 17. they were sharing an 
periment in Hollywood—and the bed 
used by Elizabeth Taylor and Ri 
Burton in Cleopatra, acquired. by 
when 20th Cent 
oll its assets, 
past summer, Don gave Melanie 
Susan Blakely, a bit older d 


hard 
Tippi 


ly, nude in leseen 
ges then to beucr ad 
as Perry King’s WASP girlfriend 


in The Lords of Flatbush. “It didn't 
seem to do me much good," she wailed re- 
cently to an interviewer. But this year’s 
Report to the Commissioner very definite- 
ly did. As an undercover cop who seduces 
a black narcotics suspect—and 
hy fellow cop № 1 Moriarty for her 
trouble—she made pression, 
lasting at least long enough to win her 
roles as wife to the spineless Richard 
Chamberlain im The Towering Inferno 
and as Bi i 
in Capone. opposite Ben Gi 

Althou 1975 has seen a marked de- 


last 


a great year for the lithe and hi 
Pamela Grier—beter known as P 
After more than а dozen movies—all of 
them bloody and most of them bloody 
vful—she has emerged as one of the 
few female surefire moncy-makers, and 
the only one who is black. New York 
magazine. in fact, headlined her 
GODDESS OF THE SEVENTIES.” y 
successes in Соју. Foxy Brown 
Sheba, Baby. this former А.Р. 
switchboard operator stured їп Buck- 
town. She hopes eventually to move up 
to producer status. claiming that listening 
in on deal-making conversations at the 
studio taught her all she needed to know. 
Following not too far behind in her foot 
steps are the beauteous Brenda Sykes 
(who shared Perry King’s bed in Man- 
dingo) and gorgeous Vonetta McGee. (as 


a Government agent who made herself 
available to Eastwood in The Eiger Sanc- 
поп). It 15 worth noting that neither 
Mandingo wor Eiger could be labeled a 
blaxploitation film. Black actresses are 
beginning to break the color , and 


it is quite posible that their furore in 
films will depend more upon the avail- 
ity of decent roles in movies with in- 
1 casts than upon films specifically 
directed toward blacks. 

The black audience, though, still flocks 
to see its stars, which is why movies star- 
ring Grier—not to mention such stal- 
wants as Jim Brown, Richard Roundtree 
and Fred Williamson—have been re 
soundingly successful, even when pro- 
duced on minuscule budgets. For the 


general public. however, irs become the 

picture, not the star. that fills theaters. 

Universal, which cheerfully dumped a 
y 1 


» The Great Waldo Pepper 
e it had Redford, agonized às the 
budget on Jaws went through the roof 
(due primarily to unpredictable weather 
oll Martha's Vineyard. and mecha 
failures of the studio-made 
cause the picture had no "star 
But such insurance is proving less 
ble than а life jacket with a leak. We 
can see this phenomenon in oper 
most dearly, perhaps, in the field of 
foreign films. Twenty years ago, the pres- 
ence of Gi 

Lore 
tickets, 


matter what kind of pasta 


“I Had Almost Given Up On My Hair Problem 
Until I Discovered Vitamins For My Hair" 


Glenn Braswell, President, Cosvetic Laboratories. 


Believe Me, 
It Works. 
Beli 


ago had all sorts of hair problems Leven 
thought Iw: 


s going to lose my hair. Every- 
one in my family always had thick, healthy 
hair, sol knew my problem could not 


be heredity. 


Lined everything that made sense, and 


things that didn’t. When I went 


to save my hair was to put it in a safety 
deposit box. Incidentally, he had less hair 
than I did, Needless to say, nothing would 
work for me. 

But I didn’t give up hope. I couldn't. 
My good looks (and vanity) spurred me on 
to find a cure. 1 started hitting the book: 

My studies on hair have pointed more 
and more to nutrition. Major nutritionists 
xeport that vitamins and minerals án the 
xight combination and in the right propor- 
tion are necessary to keep hair healthy. 
And one internationally acclaimed beauty 
and health expert says the best hair condi- 
tioner in the world is proper nutrition. (In 
non-hereditary cases, in which hair loss is 
directly attributed to vitamin deficiencies, 
hair has been reported to literally thrive 
after the deficiencies were corrected.) 


Believe The Experts, 
It Works. 
Thenl 


started 
reading 
all the 
data on 
nutrition 
[could get 


my hands on. 

Tam now finding the medical field 
beginning to support these nutritionists. 

Studies have determined that the 
normal adult could be replacing cach hair 
on the head as often as once every three 
to four years. You need to give your hair 
its own specific dietary attention, justas 
you give your body in general. 

One doctor at a major university 
discovered that re-growth of scalp cells 
occur 7 times as fast as other body cells. 
Therefore. general nutrition even though 
it may be good enough for proper nourish- 
ment of the skin — (may not be sufficient 
for scalp and hair). 

In the Human Hair Symposium сопе 
ducted in 1973 scientists reported that hair 
simply won't grow without sufficient zinc 
sulfate. 


me, I hada problem. Five years 


adermatologist, I got no encouragement 
One doctor even jokingly said the only way 


му 
In case after сазе my hopes were rein- 
forced by professional opinions. (And you 
know how hard it is to get any two scientists 
or doctors to agree on anything.) 

The formula I devised for my own hair 
called for 7 vitamins and 5 minerals. The 
only problem was I discovered Iwas spend- 
ing about $30 a month for the separate 
compounds. 

So, after a half year of further study, 
careful experimentation and product 
development. Head Start was made. A 
precisely formulated vitamin and mineral 
supplement specifically designed to pro- 
vide the five minerals and seven vitarnins 
your hair desperately needs for health. Ar 
a price everyone can afford 

Four years later, over a quarter million 
people have tried Head Start. Over 100 of 
the regular users, by the way, are 
‘al doctors. What's 
alittle more than 
1/2 of our users are females! 

s you can see, from the picture, 
my own hair is gre: ' 
take my word for it. | have a business to. 
run. Listen to the people (both men and 
women) who wrote in, although they 
weren't asked to, nor were they paid a cent, 
to drop me a line. 

mum umm шыш amm шын ш 


| me bottles of Head Start at $895 each plus 
75% foc handing (50 diy supply) Act now and receme a hee 


Believe Them, 
It Works. 

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wodd"C.B. Santa Rose, Calif. “lean 
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have tried many..." E. H. New Orleans. 

"I have had problem һай all my life 
until found your vitamm advertisement. 
W. Н. Castlewood, Va. 

* my har looks mitch macho berer 
than before” C. L Atlanta, Ga. 

Ay hair has improved greatly and I 
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PLAYBOY 


278 


their producers provided as backing. But 
does anyone go to a movie simply 
because it stars Charlotte Rampling or 
Maria Schneider or Romy Schneider, even 
though their names virtually promise 
at least one nude scene per picture? 

Even in the area of the domestic 
pornos, where the top performers have 
come to be known by name, the possibility 
of seeing Harry Reems making it one 
more time with Darby Lloyd Rains or 
Georgina Spelvin is likely to discourage 
more customers than it attract 
ter of fact, many of the biggest porn stars, 
past and present, have been selling them- 
selves on paper rather than onscreen; viz, 
Reems’s autobiography, Here Comes 
Harty Reemst; John C. (Johnny Wadd) 
Holmes's Get Home Free; Tina Russell's 
Porno Star; Marc Stevens. 20147, a titular 
reference 10 the length. of his hard-work- 
ing appendage; Murilyn Chambers: My 


Аз а та 


Story, by the former leading lady of Be- 
hind the Green Door and the Ivory Snow 
box; and Inside Linda Lovelace, which 
L.L. renounced in her subsequent The 
Intimate Diary of Linda Lovelace. The 
legendary sword swallower is now trying 
10 make the brcak into legitimate films 
but finding it rough going. Perhaps she'll 
get her chance in a new film being written 
by Emmanuelle Arsan, author of the 
novel on which Emmanuelle was based. 

After ай, when Shakespeare wrote “The 
plays the thing," he said it all. And it is 
по coincidence that the hottest battles 
in Hollywood are now being fought by 
writers, against studios and directors. The 
time has come, the writers feel, for them 
to be properly rewarded for the plots 
id dialog that keep all those sex stars 
in orbit. Today, more than ever, they 
would seem to have a point. 


“I didn't take a wrong 
turn anywhere. Ever since I wasa little kid, I've 
always wanled to be a pimp." 


Dueling Jocks 


(continued from page 161) 
unless you sec another opening somc- 
place, you'll do it every time. I mean, I 
know him. 

He's been in racing 
vou just have to hand it to him. When 
he started, of course, he started out in 
top equipment. That's one thing I gotta 
say for hi He didn't have to do like 
me and some of the other guys. you 
work his way up or something. He's 
it made from the start. 

Oh, we've run all types of tracks. We 
even run the International Race of 
Champions at Riverside. On the road 
course, We drove Porsches the first year. 
you know. Racing Porsches. Neither of 
us had ever been in а rear-en Я 
not even а Volkswagen to go to the store. 
And here we was with diem litte-bitty 
things and the fivespeed transmissions. 
But we had fun. In a stock car, you know, 
you run right down into the corner and 


long time and 


ow. 


d 


k off, and then you get back on it in 
the corner. With them Porsches, you 
back off earl l get back on it 


er. M it starts slidin* 
do is stomp on the gas and it sort of gets 
up high and keeps right on goin’ 

We didn't even know where the gears 
was. I would have to look down at the 
thing on the gearshift to find out where 
the next gear w Aud I would look over 
at Richard and sce him readin’ the in- 
structions, too. But we done all right. 

Stock cars is wh we both belong. 
though. We drive a lot the same. Up 
high. Richard drives a litle higher than 
I do, but I try to stay up there as close 
to the wall as I can. Any time you run 
high duough the turns, you're makin’ 
the corner a lot bigger. It's not as sh: 
Пу а car will run a lot f 
And there's not as much 
trouble with slower car ase they're 
usually down low. And it’s а lot safer, you 
know; if you blow a tire, you're already 
igainst the wall and it's better to hit it 
sideways than head on. Me and Richard 
drive up there a lot. 


litle bit, all you 


р. 


olan Ryan 
I'm not really intimidated by hitters, 
but there's a... 1 боп know, it’s not a 
fear, it's just a different feeling when, 
c Jackson comes to bat. 
„ you know thc homerun 
hiter са you with one swing of the 
and that gocs h your mind. But 
T studied the home-run hitters and 1 
know pretty well what not to throw at 
the American League 
more than two home runs against 
me. It’s funny—Rod С; has two 
t me and he's not really a home- 
run hitter. 

But when you pitch to Carew, you 
really don't know how to get him out. 
JE you get him out with one pitch one 


time, then next time you try that and 
he murders you, He adjusts very well. I 
guess that’s it. He adjusts well. 

For one thing, Carew is a fast-ball hit- 
ter and that makes it very tough for me. 
He hits me probably better than anyone 
And, you know, it's a pecul 
tion: Either T strike him out or he hits me. 
there's usually no in-between. Not many 
grounders, either a strike-out or a hit. 

1 don't know Rod very well. I try not 
to get to know the good hitters, because 
I have to be aggressive with them and 
I don’t want anything to interfere with 
thar. | do know I somehow have a dif 


I face situa. 


[erent outlook toward singles and doubles 
hitters than I do toward the home-run 
hiuers. I keep going back to Reggie, but 
it's a good contrast. For some reason, I 
worry more about Carew in a clutch 
situation. I'd rather face Reggie at а time 
like that 

And if Rod gets on base, he really 
worries me, He has the potential to steal 
second or third, Or home. You 
have to hold him tight so the catcher 
will at least have а shot at throwing him 


even 


out, so you're dividing your attention 
between Rod and the batter. Obviously, 
the best strategy with Rod is not to ler 
him get on base in the first place, but 
thats hard to avoid. He gets the bat on 
the ball a lot. 

The one ball I try то keep away from 
Most left-handed 


him is down and in. 


hitters hit a down-andin ball better and 
Rod is no exception, so I try to keep it 
up and away to him. 

Rod Carew has impressed me more 
with his bat control than any hiter I 
in either league. To me, he's 
the best hitter in baseball. 


have scen- 


Rod Carew 
Nolan Ryan is in a class by himself, 
as far as I'm concerned. I mean, there are 
cs when he's struck me out two or 
times а ball game, and hitting i 
something I've never had to work real 
hard at. It's something that just sort of 
came to me. Some guys have the talent to 
do it and others have to work at it 
The funny thing is there are other 
times against Nolan when | get two or 
three hits a game. I know a lot of it 
depends on me. If my arms are tired or 
I don't feel completely up. Im not 
going to hit him. Jf I'm sharp, I do. 
Theres no question, Nolan keeps you 
alert, because he is definitely the type of 
guy you can't take pitches on. You can't 
ly afford to let him get out in front 
ill 
you're in trouble 
^ lot of people talk about his fast 
ball—you know it’s explosive—but no 
one ever mentions his breaking ball. He's 
t everything. and you just can't look 
for that one certain pitch. I'm not saying 
that his fast ball isn't fast; 1 mean, I've 


thre is 


1 
of you. М 


gets two strikes on you, 


faced guys like Sam McDowell and a lot 
of others and they always threw hard; but 
nobody, nobody, threw pitches at me 
like Nolan's. And his fast ball does a lot, 
100. One minute it will run from 
you and then the next minute it will 
run up. 

That's exactly why he’s so effective: 
because he's doing so many different 
things with it. You can get used to a lot 
of guys real quick because they throw 
mostly the same thing at you and you 
сап really swing. But Im always happy 
when Nolan throws a changeup at me, 
because I know I've got а chance. 

But you know he's going to throw those 


fast balls and you just have to be ready 
for them. When he throws it, I just try 
to hit to the opposite field. Anything. 
There's really not much else you can do 
with a guy like that. I'm the kind of hit 
ter that thinks contact. I just try to hit 
it somewhere, anywhere, and I guess be 
cause I'm а wrist hitter, I hit him pretty 
well at times. I use my wrists and Pi 
I mean, 
nd his fast ball is really 


And then there are times . . . 
man. if he's on a 


working, I don't cire how good а hitter 


You just 


iy is, he's gonna get you ou 


have to turn your bat up four or five 
clicks and do your best 

I hit two homers off Nolan, one at 
home and one at the Angels’ park. The 


one at home was an outside fast ball and 
T put it into the left-field bleachers. 1 


This Christmas, you can be very choosy. 


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PLAYBOY 


280 


after the fist опе that I 
you don't really have to 
an, 
ball is coming down there so fast 
you just have to make contact and 
it really 
good Ш pitcher is the hard part. 
The home run at Anaheim came after 
he had thrown two fast balls at me and 
then a tail end—a rising LIN 
the third one over the scoreboard in 
center field. Tt wasn't a really good 
ball, but it made me feel good, bı 
Fm not normally a homerun hitter. 
"There's another thing that impresses 
me about Nolan: A lot of pitchers get 
tired, you know, around the seventh or 
cighth, but that's the time when he's at 
his best. He's yarin’ back and throwin’ 
harder thin he was in the first 
and 1 think, "When is he gonna let up?" 
I's just coming at you all the time. 
A lot of hitters ny to overpower No 
and you just can't do that. Like I said, 
you should just try to hit the ball some- 


where. Anywhere. Go to the opposite 
field. Just ny to get a hit, And if you 
do, pat yourself on the back. 


Ralph Neely 


ying across from а super- 
Fred Dryer, you tend to con- 
te more. I know, ideally speaking, 
100 percent of the t 

before every game, but when you p 
20 games, you just don't do it. You save 
it for the tough ones 

I've been playing in the N.E.L. for 
wb I know most of the guys 
D know if they're 
if their team is hor, 
t in itself gets me up. It's kind of 
ion or pride. 1 mean 
professional and if 1 don't 


€ have to 
ymore. When I c 
you did, bur all 

Fred is a perfect e 
ed lacks in size he makes up 
s and finesse. 

that I have ıo block Fred 
1 1 do Jack Gregory, for 
mn d first 
him, he wa 


league, 
ged. 


differently t 
stance. He's so da 
time I ever played 
with the G 
rible time that day. 1 never knew where 
he was. 1 just wasn't used to blocking 
gainst а 295-pound end who was 

st as a hath 
uying to pu 
running around me. 


bout € to 
bout is him trying to тип over 
е, so ] eli ate that fear. The only 
ig 1 have to do is keep position on 
the guy; for example, in pass blocking, 
1 just try to keep myself between him 
and the quarterback. And 1 try never to 
overcommit. If 1 do, he's around me. 
Speaking from an offensive linc 


worry 


an, they're coming through and using 
the hand slap and all that stuff, so you 
have 10 use a tremendous amount of self- 
discipline to maintain your cool Fred 
Dryer would love to have you try to come 
, because 
hes so quick you probably wouldn't 
touch him and he would bc right ba 
there on the quarterback. So I never try 
io punish him phys 
third and one! 

You have to overlook a lot of things 
in the line. I'm not a holder, but if my 
man gets away and the quarterback is 
fixin to get decked, FH do everything 
but tackle him. 

When we line up against cach other 
we just play football. There's not much 
conversation. Dryer always plays low be- 
cause of his size. T mean, he can't stand 
up too high, because a big guy would 


move him right out. I'll never forget 
that first game I played ag him, 
when he was with the Gi He had 


been go 
н got up to a 
tion and I v y 
right there on the field. But when the b. 
was snapped, he zipped right inside me 
nd nailed the quarterback for a one 
yard loss. І never touched him! He did 
that twice that day and TH never forget 
it. Every time I line up across from him, 
I remember it. 


g outside 
third. 


ost of the day and 
and-one-foot si 
lunch 


Fred Dryer 

1 concent: great deal on move- 
ment of a tackle. First off, 1 watch two 
or three game films of ihe guy I'm going 


on him: you know, past expe 
his strong points and weak points. At all 
І try to employ the things I do 
defensive lineman. 

case of Ralph Neely, Tve usual- 
ly gor my hands full, because not only is 
he big, he's an exceptional athlete with 
good foot movement and good balance. 


When 1 was in my first year with the 
G 

by 

tough to move around physically 


ble to just 
riers and expect 

down. I'm 
ound and I'm 
ing into a Ralph 


probably the lightest end 


certain technique in rush 
ly of trying 10 get oll 
nd j i 


with the football 
the guy to the punch, hopi 


steps 
es you on right 
at the Tine of scrimmage, breaking your 
- You have to take him on right 
nd you usually come out on the 
nd of the stick when that happy 


When I'm down in 
Ralph, even that's difficult. Hell, 1 
even see over him, so I try everyt 

The successes I've had with Ralph are 
the ones where I've gone deep оп him. 
He likes to ride the ends deep into the 
backfield, so any type of move off that 
I've found to be the best, although that's 
not foolproof, either. Some days the guy's 
just flat gor you. You can be doing every- 
ight and giving him your best shot 
ad you can't even get olf the line of 
immage. Other days, you beat him 
ngs you never expect to get by him 
with. 

He is a finesse blocker. He likes to 
make good con nd get his elbow up 
and turn the e charge. As I said, 
1 don't wy ound, but once 
off and run right 
into the guy, put my helmet down and 
hit him right in the face mask. just so T 
can watch his n You know, to 


see if there's any sort of body lean or any- 
thing you can run off later. In other 
words, I'm setting him up for later; but 


when that later comes, you have to make 
the right dec nd make it quick. 
When you feel he's set up, you have to 
move then. If you make a mistake, 
well... . 1 mean, if you can get him то 
move, you can have a good day, but, man, 
I'm playing ag guy who can knock 
your arms right out of your jersey. 
There's a lot thar goes on in the linc. 
They could call a holding penalty on 
every pl you'd put the fans to 
sleep. It would be just like baseball. But 


there are times when I complain to the 
ref and he usually says something like, 
"Yeah, there's a whole bunch of guys 


over on the other side bitching and moan- 
ing about the same thing, but everybody 
t be holding on every play." Bur the 
truth of the matter is that they can be. 
And oftentimes 

If nothing else 
when you want to be f 
next to you. If Larry Brooks is having 
good day next to me, maybe we will 
it up aud he will help me out a 


are 
ks, that's the time 
iends with the guy 


You just try 10 get people moving 

a there. 1 me have to 

ng happen if it’s a tight 

game, and often the only way you can do 


is by scrambling things up front. 
You've got to test Neely ош. Early 
you can afford to waste а cou- 
ple of rushes, There 

auen by him and sacked the qu. 
there are times when he's 
right there waiting for me. That's what 
ез a long day. 


nes whe 


Magnuson 

As long as there are players like Dave. 
Schultz, there will be fights. But I think 
it’s good for hockey. When a guy 
Schultz has a fight, you can see it go right 
through a bench. You can see à bench 
literally collapse if a guy loses a fight o 
you can sce one completely come 10 life 


^Ho! Ho! Ho!" 


281 


PLAYBOY 


he kicks the livin’ hell out of somebody. 

Schultz is a pretty good fighter. He picks 

is spots. I tell you, he fights а lot like 
John Ferguson. The only difference is 
that Ferguson doesn't duck his head and 
Dave docs. He comes up with that punch 
well while his head is ducked and he's 
hard to hit. He's a smart figh nd he 
usually gets in the first punch. 

Players may say he's y because of 
1 the penalties, but he's a big part of 
the Philadelphia team. He's the backbone 
of the team and he realizes that if things 
aren't going right, he gets them go 
right by starting something. A lot of 
people think this is poor sportsmanship, 
but ] think it’s an important part of 
hockey. 

Theres no place to go in hockey, 
there's no out of bounds. In football, if 
you want to run out of bounds when 
e is going to hit you, you can do 
but in hockey. you gotta [ace the guy 
oner or later during the night or else 
he is gonna intimidate you. 

I mean, when I broke the penalty rec- 
ord, my brother even wrote to me and 
said, “You're a martyr without а couse.’ 
But I think he was wrong, because I'm 
sure I gained the respect of the league 
for setting the record. 

Т like fighters and I respect them. I 
espect Schultz. But, at the same time, I 
can't stand him. I mean, when we get on 
the ісе, I don't think of respect ог any- 
g like that. He's really a different per- 
son on the ісе. But then I think I am, 
too. Some players I respect om the ice 
because they're great hockey players and 
they don't go around looking for trouble, 
but Dave looks for it, because he knows 
that’s the reason he's up there. I'm the 
same way. I [eel my talent is limited 
and in order to play up to par or even 
better than some of the other players, 
I have to psyche myself up, and a lot 
of times that means fighting. If I tried to 
score goals, I wouldn't be in the N.H.L. 
very lon; 
I suppose that’s our job description, 
d if somebody hits our goal tender or 
picks on one of our smaller players. he's 
gonna have me to contend with. Schultz 


someo 


or anybody. I mean, Т win that 
many fights, but at least I Jet a guy know 
he's 

The first time Dave hit me, he was a 
тоок e he was testing the 


the West. I was behind 
the net k went dead and he 
hit me lae. I didn't even know who the 
guy was amd D tumed around amd he 
had dropped his gloves and said, “Lers 
So we did. He got the best of me 
ime. I think. In fact, I got to think- 


fastest gun 


ing about it gamı 

ly felt їйлєй. You know, I hadn't 

really let him know I was i 
him being a rookie and all that. So 

when we were facing off and waiting for 

the puck to drop, I looked at him and 


282 dropped my gloves. He saw me do it 


ittie surprised, but we went 
I knew at that time that he was 
a pretty good fighter and could handle 
himself, and 1 also knew we would meet 
again—many times. 

A few games later, Eran at him and he 
got his stick up and à stitches 
the mouth. But 1 got 
when he came то Chi 
ways tougher in his own ay. 
the ref had to pull us apart all eveni 


t him and 


Hell, one time I was so mad at him I 


па 


mped out of the penalty box 
t after hi 
Last y 


d a good, long fight 
right in the middle of the ice and I 
ended up wi my mouth 
. I'm not real sure what I did to 
him. but I got some good punches in 
and there was a lot of blood. 

If we both quit playing hockey, I sup- 
pose I could forget all this, but right now 
1 can't sand to even be in the same bar 
with him. Like a banquet 
where we both spoke onc 
known he was going to be there, I 
wouldn't even have gone. One time I 

w he was in a restaurant in Chi 
and 1 wouldn't even. go in, I feel that 
much 

But if we qui - Listen, here's а 
good example: Three years ago, I broke 
my jaw in a game against the New York 
Rangers. Ferguson was playing then. We 
had fought a lot but never talked to 
I ran into John 
he had retired. We both looked at cach 
other and after а few seconds. he stuck 
out his hand. As I was shaking it, he 
said, "You know, I got a hell of a lot of 
spect for you.” ГЇЇ never forget that 
moment. 


Dave Schultz 

My weakest point is my skating. My 
strongest, I suppose, is my ability to fight 
on the ice. І mean, when 1 first came to 
the Philadelphia Flyers and the N.H.L. 
and watched guys like Keith Magnuson, 
I knew I needed the confidence to get 
out there and mix it up. 

It didn’t take me long, because Keith 


set a penalty record in the league of 
291 minutes and I broke it in my second 
season, And onc of the first guys I had a 
fight with Magnuson. I went behind 


the net and he was there, so I hit him. 
He came at me from the side and gave 
me a good shot, and then he waited for 
me to get my gloves off and we had a 
good fight. 1 think I might have won that 
one. 1 know I felt good. I thought, “Boy, 
am 1 lucky. I'm starting to get 
guys with big reputa 
Im not the greatest fighter in the 


able to my team. Every team 
needs somebody who will fight for it and 
that’s my job with the Flyers. It's funny, 
I never had a street fight, I always 


it might be a different thing. 

When sometl 
someone does 
players, some! 


ng just clicks inside me; 
or if I'm in a corner and somebody hits 
me, I just change and I become five 
times as strong as 1 normally am. 

1 even psyche mysell up for the f 
Tn the afternoons, when I'm lying down. 
I think 
мете р 
it in my mind again and and by 
the time I reach the rink, I'm ready. And 
it usually happens that night, exactly a 
І imagined 

One night in Chicago, right after the 
first shift of the game. there was а two- 
line p and the whistle blew, but Mag- 
nuson kept on coming and he hit Rick 
MacLeish. The coach said, “Schultz, go 
over there,” so I skated over and said, 
¢ you trying to do?” and he said. 
“Get lost, kid." So we had another good 
fight. 

Keith is a good hockey player. I've 
never seen a guy more psyched up Con- 
u Wi hen you come out for warm- 
stance, you come 
right front Белш re etae EOM 
the rink. The dressing rooms are down- 

irs and you come up these 15 steps. 
Well. Magnuson runs the last three or 
four steps and he makes two laps around 
the rink before anybody else makes one. 
The first time I saw t id, “Holy 
Christ, what's going on he 

He's unbelievable. Even when we're 
just getting ready for a faceoff, he's lift. 
ing his skates and he's moving around 
and he’s ready and that kind of psyches 
me out. It certainly makes you aware 
that he's ready to play, if nothing else. 
He's like that every game. 1 mean, you 
just expect when the puck’s dropped 
that he's going to go zoo all over 
the place. 

I've heard that when he came into the 
league, he went up to opposing players 
and said, "Hey, who's the tough guy on 
this team? nd they would tell him and 
he would go pick a fight with the guy. 
He didn't wi I of them, but he was а 
gutsy 

A lot of people have said to me, “Well, 
Keith Magnuson must not be that great 
fighter, because you usually win,” but 
they're wrong. IWS your willingness to 
fight that counts. If you know a guy is 
going to fight you ever e, you also 


t. It works pretty well. 


know that one day he'll give you a good 
punch. Thats what makes anybody 
tough. 


It’s hard to describe why 1 fight. May- 
be I should get an analyst. All I know 
is I really like to fight with guys like 
Magnuson. 1 don't know if he's ever 
beaten me, but he swings pretty good, and 
all the while E keep right on br 
айу record in the N.H.L. Li 
*s ridiculous. 


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PLAYBOY 


284 


Bull Goose loony continued from page 126) 


Chronis and Acutes. Uh-huh . . . and 
where, uh, are the real patients, the cer- 
tified dalts? 

“Everywhere,” Douglas crows with a 
gleeful sweep of hi “Well, по... 
ler me qualify that. The patients com- 
mitted here are quartered оп the third 
floor. Oregon, you understand, like a lot 
of other states, is releasing a high per- 
centage of its mental patients to so-called 


rms. 


local responsibility. 

“Bur, see. the director of this hos- 
pital—a terrific guy named Dean 
Brooks—has very advanced and. D be- 


is about what consti- 
tutes good therapy. and the distance from 
the third to the t floor is just two 
flights of stairs. In other words, there's 
an Wy crossover between the film 
troupe and the patients. Everybody 
back and forth, plays pool, plays cards, 
ound together. А couple or 
е even working 
for us in various small jobs—and you can 
actually see the effect on their spirit, their 
morale. After a while, they start to blend 
id—hell. at times there's no way to 
tell the patients from the crew. Look 
over there—see the little fellow with the 
broom? He's on the payroll—Ronnie the 
t—interesting guy, as 1 sure 
you'll discover. Two months ago, Ronnie 
was classified as a catatonic mute.” 
Douglas indicates a frail, stoop-shoul- 
dered boyman, perhaps 25, who is ab- 
stractedly sweeping sawdust into a pile 
near the entrance 10 the nurses! station. 
ague, Permaprest. civvies 


lieve, civilized ide: 


ts 


and a vague, Permaprest smile that dis- 
appears into a brush mustache and no 
chin at all. He is clearly crazy at a glance, 
but s clearly harmless. 

The writer stares toward the nurses 
station, scanning the individual faces of 
the workers and actors congregated there. 
Sure, he nods numbly. Crazy. 


The lingering insane of Oregon— 
some of them the criminally insane— 


upstairs on the third floor. Well, except 
for the ones fraternizing down here on 


ist floor, The writer considers this 
while and searches out а hidey-hole 
iere he can repair unobserved. There, 
g need of repair himself, he 
up his coattails and jams his Etheien 
Reporter's Note Book No. 176 deep i 
the rear waistband of his trousers, sr 
between belt and. bum. The writer feels 
mmensely better for this, although he 
somehow lost tack of 
TC-126 tape recordes 

The hospital's Tub Room looks like 
а usebathtub Jot washed up the co; 
from thc psychic environs of LA's Pico 
id Western. A few minutes before noon, 
Forman is in there having 
heart with Scatman Crothers а 
Moritz. The two are about to play a 
seduction scene involving a drunken 
ward attendant and а fragged-out sem 
pro whore. Roughly three dozen tech- 

ians and onlookers are shoe-boxed 
imo the sweltering, secdywiled hydr 
therapy y where Oregon's crazies 


“Gee, don't think Рос ever slept with a comedian before.” 


used to assemble faithfully for the pur- 
pose of undergoing water torture. ‘The 
writer is huddled spine down in one of 
the enamel-pecling tubs, keeping an eye 
оп as much of the elbow-to-ass action as 
he can follow. “Quiet, please—let’s get 
it very quiet in here," one of the assistant 
directors bawls. 

Forman concludes his huddle w 
Crothers and Ms. Moritz, nods curtly 
nd strides off a few paces to fire up his 
pipe. A human path peels open for him 
wherever he chances to move. The Czech- 
born director is hairy on the head, arms 
and chest and bı like a lunch box 
а pair of old San Pedro- 
style dungarees. He is prone to yelling 
lot when he gets excited. 

Lou Moritz, with the face of a 
zonked chi doll, scratches а lank flank 
through her grungy pedal pushers and 
terpreted a 
oak. she 
ich 


puts on what could be i 
pensive look. In 
Hows to Scatm 


do с 


glissa 
that she doesn't 


care [or one of her lines. "Say anything 
you want to, hon he urges, patting 
her hand comlorüngly. "Don't wony 


about it, you hear what I'm tellin’ you? 
uck "Oh, I know!" Louisa crows in 
inspiration, “ГШ say—at the endri 
„ ‘Oh, well, what the hell—any old 
" Scat 
hands on his 
ght: "Yeah, yeah. 
awright! Listen, 
at, girl—why'n’t we just wing 
it? Hell, let's have us some fun! Shoo-be- 
dop! Jabba-dee-boom! Skce«loop! Zack!" 
Louisa giggles into her fingers and cross 
10 her toe m 
verybody quiet" another assistant 
thunders. Forman raises and lowers а 
hand in ihe hang 
please.” Bill Butler murmurs to 
era operators. Two grips with slapsticks 
before the massive Pana 


за 


is cam- 


to whir with a 
pocketa, and the scene 
flows like water. Scuman, playing 
orderly named Turkle, entices Louisa 
dim-witted mattressback, into a deserted 
corner of the Tub Room, where he plies 
her for a taste of strange with Sm 
Tokay and generous doses of speedy sweet 
talk. She responds by covering her head 
with a brown paper bag—that’s her im- 
pression of a fish—and’ prattling off a 
long. disjointed story dead boy- 
friend who got that way by gobbl 


way up her pedal pushe: 
is about to lay h 
рген 


‚мн just 
her trade р 


ls 0 


ed conster- 
ion. What the fuck—those goddamn 
Chronics and Acules—they're stagin’ a 
midnight insurrection out yonder in ward 


four! Holy fuckin’ doomsday—Big Nurse 
will mess her whites! 

Scauman and Louisa play the scene 

five times, five different ways. They play 
it fast and slow mourn- 
ful and manic. They play it fey and 
Iyric—every way but poorly or backward. 
For one take, Scatman improvises the 
line, "Let's get drunk and be somebody.” 
For the next take, he rephrases it, "Lets 
get drunk and be somebody else.” Louisa 
fields all of Scatman's wild tumeling and 
burns back a few swilties of her own. The 
two are natural foils, the Lunt and Fon- 
tanne of bull goose loonydom. 
'orman watches the good times roll 
with tothsucking detachment. His re- 
sponse to all but the final take is unvary- 
‚ cut, cut, cut, Very good, very 
perfect. Ve vill chine it again, please. 


ns to strike the set, 
е and 


As the crew beg 
Scatman and Louisa wink, embr: 
take their leave of Bathtub En- 
tranced, the writer flexes out of his por- 
celain squat and trails them to а makeshift 
dressing room furnished in rumpsprung 
rattan. Plopped down beside Louisa on 
а litersucwn settee, Scatman  airily 
waves the writer toward a chair positioned 
beneath a Lenny Brace poster. “Set down, 
friend," Scarman croons, "you look like 
you come from about hallway decent 
stoc 

Scatman produces a tenor guitar from 
somewhere burnished Martin, and 
I out of its 
Who's sorry now / Who's sorry 

Jabba-dec-wop! Dee-onk, dee- 
"t that tasty, though? Listen, you 
ever watch Chico and the Man? Vm Louie 
the garbage man on that mutha—I'm the 
man who empties your can! Сап you dig 
it? ‘Cause never forget, you arc what you 
throw ou 


City 


four 


Louisa has a too, a Japanese 
something that 


The dlect is 


goes "Di 


singular—a зс, to the 
death rattle of a squeegee. Scatman tries 
his best ло th her. 


she pretiy2" he beams. "I love il 
I'm crazy ‘bout her. She's the real Divine 
Miss M!” 

Louisa segues into Behind Closed 
Doors. but she hits а clinker that makes 
her stamp her foot and hiss, “Oh, for the 
She winks conspiratorially at 
writer and asks, "Did you sce our 
lide scene just now? . . . Oh, Em so 
glad. I was supposed to make you Laugh. 
Did you see my Alka-Seltzer comme: 
Јам night? It was supposed to make you 


buy Alka-Seltzer. . . . 1 do a lot of com- 
mercials, uh-huh, but 1 also do the Car- 
son show, and I'm doing more movie roles 


lately. Some pulp men's magazine r 
story on me last month, but they didn't 
get my credits right for the last four years. 
Truly. 1 just dil the second lead in a 
picture with David Carradine called 


Death Race 2000, and they didn't even 


mention it. I mean. you would think 
people would do their jobs or something. 
There's а man does his job—the head 
nigger of this joint!" Scatman cries, rac- 
ing to the door and tugging Dean Brooks 
into the room by a tweed sleeve. An 
fable, gracefully graying man, the direc- 
tor of the hospital shakes hands all around 
а murmurs something sympathetic 
out Louisa's chord-strumming ability. 
“Oh, well, thank you," she chirrups, “I 


ed playing, lessee, oh, about 
three hours ago." "Dr. Brooks here is 
one helluva doctor.” Scatman assures the 


writer, "one helluva shrink. Aud you 
know what? He plays that same part 
the movie—a shrink, Ain't that weird? 
Wobba«lee-doo-bop! 
chas! Меп!” "I've got one more scene to 
Eo." Brooks mock sighs. tight now 
I'm on my way back up to the third 
floor. where it’s sale. 


Scatman follows the doctor away, seck- 
ing, as he says in a braying aside, 


free 
——all I can рет. Hell, babies, 
s waves toodle-o0 


medical ad 
I'm sixtylour." Louisa 
to the two and commits murder one on 
the intro to Sounds of Silence. She snulls 
the rest of the song. too, chord by chord, 
line by line. “Isn't that pretty?” she asks 
at the end. She laughs at the wiiter's 
poleaxed expression and pokes a good- 
natured finger at his midsection: “Don't 
forget to put it in about Death Race 
2000." 


The commissary is another recycled mad 
ward, where the Cuckoo troupe assembles 
en masse at four р.м. daily to be served 
up mess (yes) by a local catering outfit. 
In the carly afternoon, the place is virtu- 
ally deserted. Saul Zaentz, the picture's 
coproducer, is in there nosh fast 
claw. ... The brawny kid with th 
ple birthmark who tends to the coffe 
is tending 10 the coffee ат... An 
actor named Danny DeVito is escorting 
his 
Bronx on a tour of the dingy dining arca 
Kind of a neat-o place, once you get the 
drag of it, Tablecloths. Funny pictues 
and shtick on the walls, Almost like the 
old. Village, sort of. The lady has the 
drag of the place at а glance and she is 
rolling her eyes in speechless revulsion. 
She is scanning all visible surfaces for— 
who knows?—cockroaches. spirochetes. 
God, and she flew all the way across the 
country lo break bread in this Dachau of 
the stomach? 

The writer enters the mess hall in 
search of anything wet and he tunes in a 
sound. Ror, rrr. Low but distinct, the 
sound reminds him of—he can't immedi- 
ately think wh Zaentz strolls across the 
tatty linoleum and pokes out 
sized paw in greeting. “Good to see you 
the shmooshaped producer says 
with a benign show of teeth. “We met 
s ago, if I'm not mistaken—in Berke- 
wasn't it?” 

That plea 


inky-haixed ladyfriend fresh from da 


1 fiction again, The writer 


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PLAYBOY 


puzzles over it briefly, but it doesn’t yield 
up much of a mystery. In pl. nilla 
usage, it's а mode of status shorthand 
that is commonplace among film folk. It's 
Gollywood's м of saying: Im OK. 
you're OK. If you're here among the 
Somebodies, then you must be а Some- 
body, too. But 1 already know all the 
Somebodies, so we must have met some- 
where before... . Sure, we met before . . . 
Berkeley . . . Barcelona . . . some [ис 
place... - 

Rrr, rrr—that sound again—sinister, 

“Been a lot of yelling around the set 
recently," Zaentz muses as he munches 
the heel of his bear daw, “but that's par 
for the course, a de: 


ike this, I mean, 


n. 


long loc 
rt week in J 
"o what n 
2 Thats ten weeks—lots of long 
hours, tough setups. And we've got two. 
three more weeks to go. so naturally 
everybody's geuing a litie—edgy . . . you 
know how it goes. Hell, Em a little edgy 
myself. But in my estimation. it’s all been 
worth й. We've put together one classy 
picture—everybody connected. swears it's 
a killer. Who'd stoop to shitting about a 
thing like that: 

“Lemme tell you about this picture,” 
ппу DeVito chimes in. The actor stands 


ibout four feet nothing, and from the 
hairline down, he is built like a pot 
bellied stove. He chooses words with 


س 
ny—en-‏ 


excruciating care, “I 
the—weirdest—experi 
tire—cxistence—as— 


— pictur 
icc—of- 
1 


“Lemme explain, OK? I'm from New 
Yock City, see, so naturally 1 was figurin’ 
on seein’ the famous. gorgeous countryside 
around here—Oregon, you know, the 
Pacific Northwest, all that shit. Well, I 
end up workin’ straight through for the 
first nine weeks I'm here, and then finally 
couple of days off. Terrific, I 


downtown, I rent a 


ax, 1 score some deli 
for a picnic ава... 1 couldn't leave. I 
drove out here from the hotel for lunch. 
So help me, 1 came out here and peeked 
the ward 
The writer turns at 

sleeve. It is Ronnie the P. 
clutching that er 
nation 


y tug on his 
1—surprisc, 
ıt Sony TC 
Ronnie shoves 


into the corridor. The rir. rrr clicks off 


like a radio in a distant room. 

An hour later, a Chautauqua of di 
mentir is ru pund the nurses. 
station. E showi 


except 
nd Sam Peckinpah is queu- 
g up on the set for A and V 108, 
one. In ensemble, the actors 
nes 
ingly convincing. They hobble around on 
crutches, carom around in wheelchairs. 
They wander the ward in flapping ho 
pital gowns, mismatched pajamas, piss- 
stained Jockey shorts. They belch, fart, 
scratch. their scruffy asses. They call up 
visions of creatures out of Dante, or the 
crowd at Specs in North Beach. 
Nicholson doesn't look as bombed a 


Dub Taylor 
i 


d 


“The little match girl was 


very cold and hungry and poor 


On the other hand, 


she had very big tits” 


strafed as the rest. nor is he supposed 10. 
but he bounds around the set with di 
monic energy, all snap amd bro. He 
whomps William Redfield on the shoul- 
der, feims punches at Brad Fourif. a 
Vincent Schiavelli. He tickles f 
Sidney Lasik and Will Sampson. whis- 
pers something obscene to DeVito. laughs 
loud at the sight of Michael B 
1 Ddos V. Smith, 
t. he waggles his at 
ad puts the arm on Scit 
ваеце. 
"C'mon. В. S.. а 
in bur 
. too. 
iw. 1 got this here little Cricket 

1 could fan. your ays. you need a litle 
suction. Just say the word. 
‘Not necessary I. 
real pleasure to sce you lı 
to the s party.” 

Scatman squinches his eyes shut. Hings 
his head back, croons, “We ll—build—a— 
freeway—to—the—stahs. . . < 
k 10 me- 
ong of the tenor 


-a nail.” 
Tobacco in that. Jack. 
do vo 


isa 
Welcome 


аг rock 


is—the 


And—l sometimes suspect 1 
ther of black comedy. Am I correc 
"Yeah, that’s correck. Jack. In both 
senses. Allah, that was your faithful 
Seman in the original woodpile, Jobba- 
dee-wop! So-cony mo-beel! Zi 
Nicholson and 5 
poppin’ th 
across the set 
» front of the c 
direaors bellow g company to 
oder. "Shot—shot" "Thisll be picture, 
people. Quict—siut up!” 


d positions them firmly 
Both assistant 


s. 


bad-ass McMurphy. dispensing illicit pills 
id Jim Beam to his fellow Chronics and 
Actes in а spontancous-combustion mid- 
ight revel. Midway through the caper, 
Seuman/ Turkle bursts in on the group. 
sputtering, outraged: What the shits 
goin’ on here? McMurphy. you mother- 
fucker, get outta here—alla you mother- 
fuckers! G'wan, 1 don't wanna her 
oj your crazy shit! Get yonr asses outta 
here! Pron-toe! 

The dramaturgy goes ditdivdit, but a 
light bank blows and Forman blows with 
No. no, по, NO!" Two more scuttled 
takes and everybody Nichol- 
son, Scatman, Forman, the Chronics and 


none 


Acutes. even a grip or two. 
" 


ter 
is rhe 


table delays. Se 
mter idlers on the side 
Gentlemen, Fl s tough 
ry difficult, so watch closely. My 
impression . of a lighthouse in the 
middle of an ocean." Slowly. he pivots in 
circle, flapping his mouth. open and 
shut at ten-second intervals. When the 
cackles hit high C. Scitman mock scowls 
па snaps his fingers impatiently: " Aw- 

‚ cut the shit and. levity—who's got 


ow you 


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PLAYBOY 


288 


igafoo around here? Vm in need of a 
nail 1 need a nail bad." Grinning, he 
accepts one of Nicholson's filter tips. 

Nicholson starts hopping up and down 
on onc leg. "Give us some kind of move 
over here, will ya?" he catcalls to Forman. 

“HEY, MY-LOS!" Scatman brays. “You 
remember ol King Solomon? Man siid 
there’s a time to dance and a time to 
grieve me to harvest... and a 
time to GET THIS MOTHERFUCKER 
ROAD.” 


Nicholson yowls, “let's shoot 
xh 


Wait a minute, though 
mutters with a frown, "have I 
go wel? I got to go wet.” 
Nicholson continues t0 hop in place. 
but he shifts to the other leg. "B. S... 
Benjamin Sherman ‘Saman’ Crothers. 
By God, you look like the real thing. 
В. S. What number is this for us? 
“Our third masterpiece together, Jack. 


Seatman 
pt time to 


Rar- 


The first was The King of Marvin 
dens, and then came The Fortune" 
"Hmm . . . number three it is. You got 
a great memory, B. 5. You're a great 
American." 
“That's right. РА-КООК! ZA-GOOF!" 


In the commissary. the writer is toying 
queasily with a serving of vulcanized 
chicken when Nicholson straddles a chair 
opposite him, “What's Hefner like?” the 
actor asks abruptly. The writer blinks a 
few times and confesses he's never had the 
pleasure. Nicholson seems disappointed at 
the reply, but he continues unloading his 
overfreighted lunch tra 

Two salads. Four buttered rolls. Three 
side orders of vegetables. Mashed potatoes 
and gravy. Half a chicken. A glass of iced 
tea. Two half pints of milk. A double 
wedge of fruit pie. When Nicholson has 
all this archipelago of nourishment ar- 
mayed in front of him, he sprinkles hot 


“Mr. Brayton, I never wanted to say anything, 
bui guess it’s time you knew. It’s Mrs. Braylon. 
She's been—well, she's been sleeping around.” 


sauce over vast. geographic portions of it. 


Scamming the faces at the surrounding 
tables, Nicholson. spots Scatman. “Hey, 
B. S.” he calls out, “you want some 


speed?” Scatman fields the lobbed bottle 
of salsa in а chamois-colored palm. 
Nicholson makes some amiable small 
talk, but food is what figures most pre- 
cious in his life at the п 
bends to it with wolfish 
groans, “I haven't been this hungr 
gnawing relentlessly on a drumstick: 
"since breakfast." The writer laughs. fe 
at case Tor the first time since—breakfast. 
Nicholson talks and cats and turns out 
to be exactly what he looks like: а person- 
k Irishman fom Pickup Т 
міса—а stand-up guy who pla 


Jesu 


schoolboy sports in New Jersey, who got 
smart. who got out, who got to be a star 
No. make that a national treasure. Any 


dumbass can be a si 


Forman resumes shouting and shoot 
ing 


ter the dinner hour, but the writer 
ats to the downtown hotel where 
most of the film troupe is quartered. 
Holed up with a slash of Scotch in handy 
reach, he studies his notes fast draw im- 
of the asylum. the movie people, 
y unsettling rrr, yrr phenome 


pression 
the ec 


ming pool. 

Around midnight, the 
boots and wand a to the hotel 
to join B.S. € Samp- 
son for some pro-am elbow calisthenics. 
Sampson is а butter-hearted Jad, but he 
looks like the toughest, rottenest seve 
foot Indian in the world, and he savers 
the part on and off the screen. "Em mi 
as hell when L drank, 
Г drank a little all the ti cheers,” 
Seatman toasts, “and Roebuck.” 

The bar is a sort of color-coordinated 
bull pen, one of those places where people 
order things like Salty Dogs. A trash band 
plays moldy show tunes to scattered 
bursts of apathy from а table occupied 
by four or five of the folk. The 
Cuckoo hands—a couple of actors, a 
couple of technicians—ie nuzzling. dose 
10 а round robin of local belles. licking 


r pulls on 
s don 
others and W 


he growls. 


film 


the ladies’ ears and such. “Stunt fucking; 
Scuman explains succinaly. “АЙ them 
cams are married, see—got families aud 
mortgages back in Beverly Hills, but they 
been up here for three mouths now 
and... well, you know. Stunt fucking.” 
‘The band cranks for dear lile: “Lile is 
а cibosay. old chum, life is a cabo 
“You looked around Salem any?” 
Sampson asks. “Bah God, it’s weird, 1 


tell you. The city buses all got big si 
on ‘em that say CHEERIOT. and the suckers 
shut down runnin’ for the night about 
seven. Yessir, seven fuckin’ o'clock. And 
there's a joint down yonder just off Court 


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PLAYBOY 


Street? Got live midgets rasslin’ in there, 
nd people just streamin' in to see ir. 
€ mighty, three and a half a head. 
1 call that flat-out purr-vened. 

Scuman gargles egregiously of the 
nd pretty soon sinks face down in 
of glasses on the tabletop. This 
inhibit some tub-buued. dentist 
force feeding 
to the booth beside him, 
lile loons. 
py says she's a member of some 
civic committee that brings in chamber 
tets and Henry Fonda as Clarence 
lastminute cancellation, that 
nd God bless Pacemakers), and she 
enjoys celebrities just ever so much—they 
“tone up little old Salem, 
his present assignment, she re; 
writer, even, as а sort of crypto-Somebody, 
so she snaps her beringed fingers at the 
hot dog who's dispensing the busthead— 
she's buying this round, by jingo, for the 
glory of Greater Salem! 

The writer shrinks away, trying to shun 
the frumious bandersnatch, but she can't 
t dry up. “Why do you use That 
Word?" she snaps at him sharply. "I 
would think it would be far bencath 
someone of your education." The writer 
explains. In some clinical detail. Call 
on all his vast educational resources. 7 
harpy grows pale and rises to depart in 
fairly steep dudgeon. The dentist trails 
long behind her like a strand of floating 
floss. 


doesn't 
and his harpy wile fre 


their way 
bling 


ss 


or wo! 


nd chugs on 
mpson removes a burning cigarette 
Пот Seat’s fingers. He g 2 
nk many a merciful cup of Chri 
key with this Title gentleman," the 
big Indian rellects sofy. 
At the hospital early the next morning. 
the troupe from the bus woops to the 
nurses’ station, but nobody exactly stam- 
pedes to work. The young honey of a 
blonde who serves as stand-in for the 
tresses takes va position 
by a window, staring gloomily out at the 
gusting rain. “I feel crummy.” she wail 
“1 woke up in the wrong crummy room. 
Several of the technicians whip to- 
gether а card game, others nurse оп œf- 
ice mugs or take turns bashing a soggy 
bag. "Umm, u Scauman 
up to sec 
olf out 
he'd weep like a limbless orphan.” 
Bil Butler, the cinematographer, ar- 
es on the set seconds in advance of 
Forman, and the crew heaves to lustily. 
Butler is silent, bearded, monkish in ap- 
кэ to nobody except his 
and then in tones so low 
that no one can overhear, The workmen 
give him a wide berth. 
Sea aring dark glasses and 
Michael Douglas cackles fiendishly at the 
sight. "Fell in the vin huh? 
How long you plan to wear the blinders, 
“Till my eyes congeal, man. 


‘The actors on call for the morning's 
routine pickup shots labor in ten-minute 
wile for a couple of hours 
nother 
pass around the Hollywood 

de papers. They gab endlessly about 
s (“Raquel got famous by invent- 

is zipper that wouldn't close, see”) 
m chorus they rattle off more house- 


nt to be 
most Gtses, even unkind—it's 
know, all they care 
ing the trades. The damn things appear 
there in front of them—they didn’t plan 
it that wa 
Bright litle turn there, turkey. T; 
a load off.” 
Make that 
please.” 
‘And J told that broad and her mother 
both, I says, “Don't Jet the door hit you 
where the dog bit you.’ It got real quiet 
after that. You could've heard. pissants 
walkin’ on ice cream—" 

“Shit, yeah. 1 done time in the Service, 
sonny. I worked for Standard Oil for ten 
ars. Scobba-dee-zoot!"" 

“Ab, the Seatman  cometh—never 
чийе, in fact. I thought he was a 
dream of my youth, you know—like J. D. 
inger——" 

"Would you believe I saw Roy Rogers 
on the box last night?" 

“Sure, the singing cowboy's always with 
us. Look at Dennis Weaver! 

“I wonder if Nixon ever ran off а pi 
of Save the Tiger.” 

Somebody arrives with the news that 
Aristotle Onassis is dead. 

"Christ, too bad, too bad . . . but th 
leaves Jackie in line for half a billion. 

"BOO!" 

“So wh 
just takin’ 


their gossip isn't m. 


Mister Т 


ey. if you 


b about, chum? Th 
poon and makin’ it pay.” 
Romie the Patient sidles up to the 
writer in the corridor, offering to show 
some snapshots of his fiancée. The girl in 
the photos is sweet-faced, chubby, having 
picnic. Ronnie says she is a fel 
ient over in the Women’s Facility 
and he Joved her the first instant he saw 
her. 


"so 


Ri 


n peppers the windows in the com- 
y- The writer is bent over hi 
ficiency Reporters Note Book No. 176, 
recording some notes at one of the long 
ables. He block pr 

First met Kesey in Menlo Park 
Savored his book but put off by The 
Author ured him for a benign Man- 
son, although didn't know the term bach 
then, Neal Cassady also present that after- 
noon, chasing Stanford girls through the 
underbrush. Didn't catch any. 

Reminded of this by brief encounter 
with Louise Fletcher, who plays Big 
Nurse. Inspired casting. Not а bigba- 
zoomed hag but a young, pelite hag, 


chillicr than a blue norther. Had по im- 
pulse to linger with her beyond bare 
amenitie: 

Crazy factor here is strong enough to 
siphon gas. Take Delos V. Smith, Jr. 
(Pulilecze!) Smith was friends with Mon- 
roe at Actors Studio, intimates he has 
loads of skinny on her—lapes, letters, 
ctc. Politely evasive about it, though. 
Maybe if 1— 

The dining hall is empty except for 
the writer and the coffee 
here. comes nr, rnm 


too—a sound full of blood rage and 
murder foul. It clicks this time: Its La 
rence Talbot turning into the Wolf- 
man... wr, nr... and here comes that 
brawny kid with the purple birthmark 
charging across the tatty linoleum 
with a wet mop raised high above his 


head like an ax, and whop!—he flai 


down slosh on the writer's instep. 

The writer glances up only long enough 

to see too much white in the kid’s eyes, 
then resumes block printing. He block 
prints the word help 73 times. Man Пор 
а wet mop on your boot down where the 
writer grew up, you generally jump on 
his bones. But this is different. This is the 
Oregon State Playpen for Bent Yo-Yos & 
Машей Merchandise. 
Five minutes later, the rrr, rrr has 
leveled off to a sullen drone and the kid 
has mopped his way to the far side of 
the room. The writer rises, measures his 
steps to the door. Out in the corridor, he 
takes а deep breath. Another. 


Out of a mixed sense of protocol and 
m dread of underachieving, the writ- 
er braves the commissary again an hour 
Inter. Nicholson is in the chow line, belly- 
ing up to the steam tables like a famished 
wolverine. The actor smacks his chops 
over the shitand-shucks cuisine, orders a 
liule of this, a whole lot of that, and 
pauses undecided before а viledooking 
vat of boiled okra. ‘The writer glides up 
behind him, coughs discreetly and says 
for opene 
Hiya, Jack. . . . Gee, listen, we're going 
10 have 10 meet stopping like this, 
Inexplicably, it com 
Nicholson half-turns and cocks his hi 
to one side, his expression hang gliding 
somewhere between disbelief and morbid 
curiosity. He picks up two dishes of the 
boiled okr The writer 
trails Nicholson into the dining arca and 
sks the actor if he might be available 
to sit and talk. seriously sometime 
n't say, pal,” Nicholson says arou 
a quarter-pound chaw of Swiss steal 
“Why don’t you ask my agent about it? 
He mentions a name and number in 
Beverly Hills 


and moves alon; 


d 


The writer gocs back to the hotel in 


the vain and experiences a mild epiphany 


“My wife will be down shortly —she's still getting undressed.” 


291 


PLAYROY 


292 


in the bathtub. Up to his glottis in Mr. 
Bubble, he realizes he can't think of 
anything more he wants to know about 
Nicholson—nothing at all. It occurs to 
him that madness upstages all creatures 
great and small, and maybe in its wicked 
ties of mystery, i i nal 
treasure—purr-verted, of Ror, 
Ins 
The writer dresses, shitcans the Be 
erly Hills agents phone number, makes 
reservations for a flight home and још 
neys down to the bar, where he imme- 
diately encounters the harpy. She is san 
dup to ра 
the color 
she ex 


too, is a 


course. 


de 


tist tonight 
5300 pants su 
Tiner. “My dear," 

marvelous to see you again. How's your 
little story coming along? I've never read 
anything of yours, but I'll het you're 
ight up there with Miss Rona. Oh, I've 
always been a sucker for talent. A sucker, 


know what I mean? 


ms, 


Her name is . . . should һе... Bambi. 
Late in the evening, she is sitting in the 
hotel saloon with an actor escort, the 
waiter and a roustabout from the film 
company. Bambi is a sleck sloop of a girl 
with an ozonecharged voice and an orig- 
inal face. The writer takes her for 
ress or maybe а model 


an 


Bambi’s actor companion is drunk, has 
been for hours. Pretty soon. he can't see 
past his glasses. He wobbles away into 
the cab-o-ray darkness without. explana- 
tion—none needed. Bambi shrugs and 
slides around next to the roustabout, “I'm 
Shelley Winters’ daughter. 
theatrically. “Well. not т 
don't believe t 
What can I say? 

When the M. 


' she announces 
ally. I mean, 1 
at, but my mother does. 


master band unplugs for 


a break, Bambi is on her feet. "Come 
on,” she urges, "I know a boite just down 
the block." 4 boite? "You, too," she says 


10 the writer 

А boite, you bet. A poured-conercte 
bunker with dimestore Modiglianis on 
the walls and а singer who knows all of 


Neil Young's gelatinous тереп, Far 
out,” the roustabout whoops, hanging on 
every quavery verse during a millennium- 


long set. Facing away from the others. 
the writer noodles in his Efficiency Re- 
porer's Note Book No. 176—fantasizes 
that he is on the verge of grasping som 
thing momentous about the lunatic 
поріз of Hollywood, of Amer 

‘The Neil Young manqué takes his bows 
to the sound of two or three hands clap- 
ping and the house lights fash up. A 
waiter bends near and asks the roustabout 
nd the writer to please remove th 


Pie and coffee for me and а cheeseburge 


or the kid.” 


goddamned Jadyfriend from the god- 
damned premises. Bambi, as it happen: 
is juiced to the tits—knee-walking blotto. 


She has been downing double gins on the 
sly for the past hour, the waiter says, and 
the tab comes to $25.80. 

The roustabout and the writer steer 


Bambi out onto the rain-slick sidewalk 
and dumsily ver her toward à 
steakhouse where the roustabout хаух she 
works, "Yeah, she's а waitress. man," the 
roustabout grunts, sucking for breath. " 
thought you knew her in front. Shit, what 
a deal" 

Two blocks of 
sloop through choppy weather 
bis boss spots the approaching cor 
He tears out of the steakhouse, his face 
hanging colors, his arms flailing. “I'll 
take the cunt home,” he snaps, “but de 


towing а rudderless 


nd 


n 


оу 


bring her in the п crfay.” The 
man drives away with Bambi unconscious 
beside him in a mud-spattered Datsun. 


“Sonofabitch, I could've scored, too,” 
the roustabout compl: He does a 
couple of quick knee bends 10 
Kinks, then shrugs philosophically. 
that’s stunt fucking for you. 
diang.” 


ase the 
Vell. 
Always 


The teamster who drives the writer to 
the airport the next morning chews to- 
bacco and portal fear of the pa- 
tients at the state hospital. "Lots of folks 
are fucked, you know. but especially you 
nuts. I mean, makin’ 
them basket cases hang 
nd of nigger riggin’ is that? Listen, my 
friend, I've personally known a bunch of 
them creepos out there since 1 was in 
first grade, and you can take my word 
for it, they ain't fit to be runnin’ loose. 
You notice that becly kid in the com- 
missary, the one got the birthmark? W 
derful guy, swell guy—the mayor ought 

i kiss and a medal. Fucker killes 
h his bare hands.” 


ives in 


movie with all 
round 


him. 


people w 


About 200 miles into the Rockies, the 
writer's fantods stop vibrating and over 
a healing beaker of brandy he monitors 
а cassette tape of B. S. Crothers spritzing, 
downing, blowing the shit 

You ever smoke these things? Lord, we 
used to smoke this stuff back in '29— 
smoked it on the street and nobody соет 
Ace leaf 


bothered us was common as 
dirt down yonder in Texas. We used to 
go ino them fuckin’ Mexican 
where they sold hot dogs and shi? They'd 
say, "You want тттттт?” Га 
say, "Yeah, lemme have a quarter's 
worth.” Guyd give me а penny match- 
box full, already manicured, and a jew 
papers, and it would voll out to about 
ten things. а quarter. Godamighty, 
man, it was good... . 
Ah, that Scatman 


of your basic natio 


joints 


some 


sack! 


ui 


she Another 


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(continued from page 122) 
frankly, 1 found hard to believe when 
you consider this was Harry the dope 
talking. But when we offered the five 
percent, he may 
be it would be all right for him to lower 
his standards just this once, provided it 
y wouldn't take more of his time 
than from eight to midnight. We told 
him that as the shooting went on, he 
would be required to perform even less 
and less, and he eed to work lor us. 
re. We had our script, we 


I at once decided tha 


there we w 


ad our leading players, we had this big 


old loft to shoot the movie in and we 
had our dream. 

So we began. 

It was very difficult to explain Solly's 
script, especially to а pair of dummies 
like Harry and the gil. The first thing 
she wanted to know was what the cast 
OF CHARACTERS 


ge meant, Thi 


ticular page was at the very be 
the script and it looked like this 


CAST OF CHARACTERS 
(In Order of Appearance) 
THE ст. 

(ME LEADING MAN 
THE WRITER 
THE CAMERAMAN 
THE DIRECTOR 


Solly explained to her that the movie 
utilized а play-within-a-play technique, 
which these days was very popular and 
chic, not to mention tasteful. He also ех 
plained that the movie was aboul a movie. 
That is to say, we were really making 
two i 


movies here, one of them the movie 
we were making and the other one a 
movie about the movie we were making. 
The girl immediately complained that we 
hired her to make only ove movie and 
now we were telling her she had to act 
in two movies. It took us an hour and a 
half of valuable time to explain that it 
was really only one movie. and if she 
just crusted our taste and our judgment. 
she would see that it worked as art and 
also as a delicate probing of the sexual 
impulses, dreams and realizations of all 
human beings. She listened carefully to 
everything we said, and then she thought 
it over, and then she said, “Still, if it's 
Гао movies. I want a bigger percentage." 

So we upped her percentage to 15 
nd since Harry was standing 
stening to all this, we were forced 
to raise his percentage to ten. which 

nt that together they were into the 
movie for 95 points. This didn't bother 
us. We just wanted to get the th 
ing. But now that the girl had 15 percent 
of the picture, she began immediately 
behaving like a star. First she wanted to 
know what kind of camera Ben had there 
on the tripod. 

“Thar is an cighcmillimeter camera," 
Ben told her. “We will have the film 


blown up later. It's cheaper to do it this 
way than to shoot in thirty-five Пот the 
beginning. It's the stock that costs а Tot 
of money, you see 

“What do you mean. "stock" 
The film." 
Is this picture in color?” she said. 
of course” Ben said. 
* J look very good in color," 


" she said. 


he raw stock. 


she said. 

“Oh. yes, everything will be in col 
he said. He turned to me and said, 
ready to roll whenever you are.” 

“What about the lights?" the girl asked. 
“Are we just going to shoot with just the 
lights that are here?" 

"Fm using very fast film.” Ben said. 
“We don't need any special lighting. Also, 
it will make the picture look more natural 
this way.” 

“And where's my make-up ma 
said. 

“We want you to look very natural" 
I said. “That was one of the things that 
first attracted us to you. The natural look 


she 


she said, and thought this over 

Solly, who is normally a very patient 
man, said, “1 don't want to butt in here 
on technical matters, but time is what 
costs money on a movie set. Time costs 
more money than film. And we have been 
here since eight o'clock ton 
now almost ten, а 
foot of film. If we're going to complete 
this thing in the time we have laid out 
for it, then if everybody is ready. 1 think 
we ought to start shooting the first scene.” 

“L was only worried about makeup,” 
the girl said, "because T have а tiny lite 
beauty spot on the underside of my left 
bi 


and it is 


d we haven't shot a 


and I wondered if you wanted to 
ch it up or anything.” 

We'll see about that when we come 
to it," I said 

“Actually, the beauty spot will make 
you look even more natural" Solly said. 

“We'll see when с о 
Зоте 
“Will 1 be taking off my clothes to- 
night” 

"Yes, in the first scene, you take off 
your clothes," Solly said. 

"Because 1 feel а hule funny about 
taking off my clothes in a room full of 
men, in front of a cimera, 

“Well, there's only us," I 
ill." 

“And remember that millions and mil- 
lions of people will be seeing vou naked 
when this picture is released. And we'll 
all make millions and millions of dolls n 
I added. 

"Yes," she said. 

“I wish we could begin.” Solly said. 

“Are you ready?" I asked her. 

“I guess so.” she said. "but if T scem a 
little embarrassed at first, J hope thall 
be all right. 

“That's perfect for the part,” Solly said 
“Don't worry about it” 

“Am 1 supposed to wear just my own 


you ta your 


Ben said 


"but. still." 


clothes?" the girl said. 
Yes. that's part of it, too," Т said. "We 
ant this to be as natural as we can make 
it. without a lot of fancy costumes and 
such. 
“L thought Fd have maybe a spe 
wardrobe.” 
Well,” I said, "we've picked out some 
very beautiful and 
you to wear later on in the 


also some attractive costun 


in these openi 


scenes, where you apply for a job in the 
film. we want you 10 look as natural as 
possible 


“H Fd known you wi me to look 
so natural, 1 wouldn't have worn a br 
she said. 

No, the bra is good,” 
strange reason, m 
her underw 


For some 
ga girl in 
be fine.” 


"IL said. 
" enjoy se 


the bra. 


"Well, OK," sh 1. “But it isn't even 
my best 

"I'm sure it'll be fine,” I said. 

"Well, OK." she said. 

"Are we ready to begin?" I said. 


Are you ready?” 
“I'm ready," Harry said, “though if 
there's sex stull їп these opening 
. 1 don't know if I'm ready for 


"Let me explain the scene 10 you, 
OK?” I said. 
"bu 


person c't just perform on 
know what Û mean?” Harry said. 
es, E know just what you mean," the 
ed at him. “ГП tell you 
uth, D y excited about thi 
g the fist day of shooting and 
the first night of shooting, I should say— 
but Pm not excited Mat way: I mean, 
Tm not too terribly physically or sex 
moment. Ave you. 


id, and sn 


[ES 


"oe said, “I'm not excited at all. 
In Гас. Im not even. excited. about it 
being the first night of shoo 1 had 


a ple day today; this came 
in with his car almost totaled, and he 
insisted- 


uld we please begin 


ma 


* Solly 


‘Are we ready?” 


the girl said. 
ure,” Harry said, and shrugged. 
plained the first scene to them. In 
e 

up to the loft а 
producers of the film, who 
ing respectively as scviptwi 
man and director, The 
or the girl to meet her le 
in а tasteful and artistic setting. they 
that she take olf her clothes so 0 
с 
physically suited to the role. 
Well, Im certainly physically suited,” 


is scene, 


1 is supposed to come 


they 


п judge whether or not she will be 


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296 


“Comfy?” 


the gil said. “Otherwise. you would 
have hired me. would you?" 

"Yes." 1 explained, “of course you are, 
but that’s in їс. and this the 
movie. In the movie, the producers aren't 
sure yet. which is why they ask you to 
take off your clothes." 

Well. are these producers blind. or 
something? I mean, anybody сап see I'm 
ited, even with my clothes on. 
a 
some str 
to see a girl ta 
mean this is like a sort of sirip- 
she asked. 

Yes. sort of. But tasteful, We don't 
want to get into any sex scencs right off. 
vou see; 

“Thank God, 


cause. for 


she said, “I really don't 
Im up to anything like that to- 
Are you. Harry?" 
No." he said, "I'm definitely not.” 
1 said, “what you do i 
come into the loft aud ask if this is where 
we're casting this movie, and we'll answer 
you, but nobody will see us. the camera 
Will just be on you. And we'll introduce 
you to Harry and then ask if you would 
mind taking off your clothes, and you 
should take them off slowly and shyly. 
amd that'll be the scene. Later on, w 
may ask you to kiss Harry or something 

а Tike that: neither of you will I 
do anything you don't really fe 
doing tonight. We'll just play it slow and 
easy: we want to do a sensitive job he 
nd your personal feelings are very much 
in our minds.” 

"Well. OK." the gil said. 

“Is something wrong?" 1 said. 

“Well. before 1 off my clothes. 1 
want you to know the contract is bind 
no matter what. I'm geting fifty dollars 


а week and fifteen percent of the profits, 
and that's that.” 
“OL course. 


1 said. “That’s our agree- 


me 
ТОК.” she said. "In which case. ] want 
you to know I'm not a natural blonde." 


"har 
set, pl 


I right," I sai 


1 won't bore you with all the de 
that fist night's shooting, or ev 
progress we made during the next two 
- D will say that Solly had been ab- 
solutely right about the gil. She had 
looked spectacular when she was wearing 
dothes, but she looked positively fa 
uustically unbelievable when she took 
them off. Also, when she got over her shy- 
ness and embarrassment, she really did a 
job with the sex scenes she pei 
med oncamera with Harry. I guess 
this was because Solly had written such 
а good script, spare and neat and what I 
guess you could call lean. He very much 
md in mind the feelings of the actors 
and wanted cach of the sex scenes to 
appear spontancous, instead of like some 
of these scenes you see in cheap por 
Hicks. where you just know the actors 
being told what to do each and every 
minute. Sollys script made it all seem 
nd very beautiful and also, 
1 might say in compliment, very artistic; 
1 always give credit where credit is due. 
iple. in the scenes we shor that 
first week. where the girl gets the 
then starts to become acquainted with the 
leading man—who was Harry the dope— 
Solly didn't do what a lot of scriptwrite 
do, he didn't clutter up the page with a 
lot of unnecessary directions. A sample 
jg from one of the carly scenes 
1 "n. 


and 


of his w 
will 


plain to you wh 


Morne torr ' 
is becoming acquainted with тик 
LEADING MAN, They do sexual inter- 


course together. 

During all of these scenes, Ben, Solly 
and I were sort of what you m 
offstage actors, or. since this was a movie 
we were making, I guess you would have 
called us offcamera actors, That is 10 say 
we were in the script even during those 
first two weeks of shooting, but all you 
did was hear our voices. And though you 
never actually saw апу of us. you knew 
there was a director there, 
mam, and a writer, which 
part of the script. the playwithin-a-play 
aspect, И wasn't ший after those. two 
weeks of shooting that any of us would 
appear oncamera as real live actors, which 


INT— NICHE EGIRL 


see. thi 


you е was supposed to be 
personal 1 tionships de 
veloped between the d the people 
iking the movie—the movie itself was 
supposed to become an artistic microcosm 
of life itself. if vou know what I mean. 
In other words. the gi supposed to 
perform with her leading man only dur 
ng the early parts of the movie, and 
then become gradually involved with the 
people working with her, and do on- 
camera with them what she had earlier 
п. bur more. 1 know 
sounds complicated. but it was in 
script. and when we explained it 
girl. she said, “I don't understand. 
Does this mean 1 to do this with 
Sally in front of the са 
“Not Solly himself. 
novi 
“Solly is the writer 
said 
“In veal life, hes the writer of the 
movie" 1 siid. "But in the movie, he’s 
only pretending 10 be the writer of the 
movi 
“And were 
the loli" 
"Yes. The loft 


tensel: 


of the movie,” she 


apposed to do it here? In 


re shooting 
эреп is that dune 
ing a colice break, The Girl gets involved 
with The Writer, and this leads to а 
beautiful sex experience for both of 
them." 
But Solly is bald.” she said, 
m.” 1 said, “you'd be surprised 
¢ bald men go to see porno- 
phic movies. There are at least mil 
lions and millions of them, 
“If we could afford. ЖҮ: 
1." Solly said, “we'd hie 
пе. But tha 
our profits.” 
“1 didn't me 
Solly.” the girl 
balled a bald 
“There is al 
said. 
This was at one aM. in the morning 
t of the third week's shooting. 
Ben had told the girl he needed to reload 


would only cut 


n to hurt your feclings. 
L “Irs just I have never 
ı my Ше 
5 a first time,” Solly 


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HOW TO TREAT 


A FRIEND. 
SEE PAGE 49. 


the camera, and he was in the bathroom 
now, with the light out. We had sent 
Harry home at midnight. He had gone 
reluctantly, it seemed to me. but I didi 
yet suspect anything was developing bi 
tween him and the girl. АП I knew 
that he had done his job very т 
during those first two w e 
ready to phase him out, since his services 
were not too strenuously required during 
the remaining 18 weeks of shooting. In 
ct. as E explained o the girl, she was 
supposed to become more amd more in 
volved with the people making the film, 
and less and less involved with her lead 
ing man, until the very end of the picture, 
when she got married 

Married?” she said. “To who?” 

“To Harry. We have a nice Ише scene 
where you get married at the end. But 
у We sort. of. experienced 
all different kinds of sexual experience 
and gratifica with the various men 
working on this film, which experience 
provides the bedrock of a good marit 
relationship later on.” 

You mean, sort of, I learn different 
from them. and this prepares me 
g like a good wife to Harry later 
оп, is that it? 
“That's it exactly. 


sas 
listically 
toks and we wi 


throom, ca 


All loaded.” he said. 
to shoot.” He looked at the giil. “Is some- 
thing wrong?” he asked. 
vervthing's fine," I said. “Solly, are 

you ready? 

Ready,” Solly said, and began taking 
off his clothes. 

We worked very had during those 


next few weeks. both oncamera and olf. 
Now that we were really info the movie, 
so to speak, the hours got longer: w 
would start work at eight and sometimes 
not finish till three or four in the me 
ing. You have ember that we were 
all holding daytime jobs, and T mention 
this only to explain our dedication to 
the project. And, besides, was still 
costing cach of us close to 519 a week, 
because, since we were gentlemen, we 
agreed to continue paying Harry his $ 


o re 


a week, even though his services would 
not be required on the picture again tll 
we came to the very end of it. We ex- 


plained to the gil that the end might be 
some time away, since whereas she w 
doing an excellent job and we were all 
very pleased with her 


who had preferred a redhead for u 
pary. we were nonetheless not gett 
exactly the kind of. profesional footage 


we wanted. and this might require shoot- 
g à great MANY scenes over ag 
be even three and four times. So 
would probably take us past the 20 weeks 
we were hoping for 
The gil said this was OK with he 
she was as interested in doing as artistic 
a job a but it would help 


the rest of 


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if she understood а lot of the words in 
the script, like sometimes Solly's descrip- 
tions were very artistic bur a little difficult 
to understand. We asked her to point out 
specific instance in the script and she 
said, "Well. like this one”: 


174 тик LOFT—INT—NIGWT. THE GIRL 
is clad in leather straps. She does 
fellatio on THE CAMERAMAN. 


he mea 
leather str the girl said. 

"Il show you the costume when we 
get to it.” I said. 

“And also,” she said. “it would help if 
I could see some of the scenes we al- 
ready shot. so that 1 could know what I 
was doing right or doing wrong." 
“That's very bad for an actress,” I 
id. “It only makes her self-conscious 
Just take our word thar you look bean 
ful and entirely convincing. 1 think I сап 
. in fac. that even in those scene 
where Solly or 1 were handling the cı 
era while Ben was working with vou, 
even those scenes came out beautiful.” 
ven the close-ups?” 

“The close-ups 
tiful.” 

“Well. OK." she said. "But this scene 
мете supposed to shoot tonight, the onc 
where Fm supposed to be between you 
and Solly? 

“Between The Director and The Writ- 
er, you mean.” 

"Yeah. you 
t you to know that Î ca 
ipli line with my left hand 


by 


ularly beau- 


and Soll 


w 


So 1 
don't know how Fm supposed to do this 
both together. I might get mixed up. 


а 


id. "Believe 


“Just do your best." I 


me. youre everything 

You're m r dicam come truc, 
“Well she said. and lowered 

her 1 want you fellows to 


know something. too. And that is that E 
think you really are trying hard here not 
10 make a cheap or dirty pine. 1 think 
marvelous the way you pay so much 
sant to get things 
lly do hope we make 
lots of money on it, but that’s not the im- 
portant thing. The important thing is that 
I got a chance to work with professional 
people who really care. That, to me, is 
very. very important, and I just wanted 
to thank yo 
And tha 
stepped ii 


was when Harry the dope 
and ruined the entire thing 

He called: me at Benjamin Brothers 
vel and left a message that E was 10 
rn his call right away. When 


back off the road, it must have been 
three or four o'dock afternoon. I 
called him up wanted to 


meet me lor a drink before we began 
night. I thought for a mi 
ybe Ben had forgotten to 
check, and I asked 
s the. problem, but he 
jo. no, I got the check, it's some- 


So Т agreed to meet him ata 
r near the loft, though, to tell the 
truth, 1 wasn't too anxious to talk to 
. We were supposed to shoot a very 
scene that night in which The 
Director and The Girl experiment with 
many interesting 
approaches lo exploring 
through sexual experi 
to prepare myself for 
nap befor 
Hany wa 


ready sitting at a t 
». ] walked over, pulled 
ir and sat down. He stared at 
me for a long time, the dope. 


1 can guess what the problem is.” I 
said. “Youre wondering when you'll be 
back in the movie again. Well, Ги happy 


to tell you its ge long splendidly, 
nd it'll seem like no time at all vill we 
shoot that big wedding, scene.” 

I smiled at him. He was still staring 
at me. 

Dou 
he said. 

“What do vou л: 

“There is no fil 
id. 
What 
There has never been any film in the 
camera. 

That's ridiculous, 

you that?” 

1 found out for myself. 

“How did you find out?" I said. 
besides, its a lie. 

Zi 
remember going ou 
ght at two 
member that? 
1 remember it 

7] sneaked into the loft.” 

“You ті sneak imo the loft. We 
locked the door behind и 


‘snot what I want to 


to talk abou 
in the camera, 


1 said. "Who told 


“And, 


not a Пе, 


Harry said. “Do you 
for hamburgers last 
1 the morning? Do you re- 


“1 went up the fire escape and in 
through the window, ‘There was no film 
iu that camer, 

“That's because we were finished for 


the night. Ben had already unloaded.” 
“You were not finished for the night. 
You loft at precisely 
threete 
At wl 
the camer 
There was по film anyplace in the loft. 
I looked all over the loft. There was no 
film. None. Now I understand why Ben 
always went in the bathroom to reload. 
You are not shooting a movie there, 
Harry said. 
OF course: we're shooting 


ne back 10 


hich ti 


пе Ben probably reloaded 


movie. 


“You ine paying 


ty 
week so that the three of you can i 
whatever sexual fantasies you 
have, sometimes seven and cight hours а 
night. every day of the week, including 
Saturdays and Sundays. 

“We are doing nothing of the son.” 

“Thats just what you're doing,” Harry 
L "You are wearing that girl like a 
common strectwalker, except that you'd 


bizarre 


sa 


lave to pay a strectwalker morc than 
you're paving her. I's obscene. 
“Harry.” I said. “don't be а dope.” 
“Tam not a dope.” he said, "I happen 
to be a very highly regarded insurance 
adjuster. And, anyway, 1 wanted to sce 
you today only to tell you it's finished. 
Whats finished?” 
“The pictures finished. the whole sct- 
ly discussed it 
fact, she's 


You've discussed it with the g 
Ive been seeing her regularly. I've 
been seeing her every day. She told me 
оп, and that was when 1 
QOL suspicious and decided to check up. 

"Harry" 1 said, "don't be a dope. И 
that's what you suspect . .. if what you 
suspect is that the three of us figured out 
a scheme to pet a little sexual pleas 
minimal weekly cost . . . if that's 
what you suspect. which is a lie. we'll be 
happy to cut you in on the deal, we'll 
put you back in the picture starting to- 
night. ГИ ask Solly to rewrite the script 
so that there's a ction be- 
tween The Girl and The Leading Mar 
we'll do that right away. if that’s w 
you suspect, though of course it's a lie. 
Hany said. 


cat deal of 


"| love her. I've asked her to marry 


aes in the n 
. "She's 


Harry." 1 said. 
“Ivy in real 
going to many me: were leaving this 
city as soon as you and I nished 
with our talk here. You just пу to go 
уеге near her. or telephone her, or 
anything, and ГИ call the police. I'm 
sure what you did here was illegal You 
signed a contract with her, and also with 
me, and we're supposed to get a percent- 
age of the profits on this movie you were 
making without any goddamn fiin in the 
camera!" 

Harry” 1 saîd. "you can't fault us 
Jor a small oversight like forgeuing to 
put film in the camer 

He hit me in the nose th 

1 will never for 
don’t mean about the nose 
tell the truth, my nose was never such 
prize to begin with. and. besides, they 
taped it up nice, and the bones knitted, 
though a little cooked. 1 am talking 
about the way he ruined our dream 
Solly tells me the best-laid plans, and all 
that, but it doesn’t make me feel any 
better. And Ben has been going aroun 
town telling anybody who'll listen t 
the idea was his to begin with. which it 
wasn't, and, anyway, that's not the point. 
The point is he's killing any chance we 
might possibly have of finding ourselves 
another girl and. making her a star, too, 
when. if only he'd shut up. .. « 

Аһ. what the hell. 


‘That's showbiz 


ile. too." he sa 


and broke it, 


"Hey! I think Santa's been here and gone!!” 


239 


300 


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SOME ANSWERS TO THE LOCKER-ROOM QUESTION OF THE CENTURY: 
“SHOULD ATHLETES HAVE SEX THE NIGHT BEFORE?” 


JAMES MCKINLEY BEGINS A MAJOR SERIES—“PLAYBOY’S HISTORY 
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ROBERT ARDREY, AUTHOR OF AFRICAN GENESIS AND THE TERRITO- 
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VLADIMIR NABOKOV WRITES ABOUT AN IRONIC REUNION OF A 
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CRAIG KARPEL CHRONICLES SOME PRIME EXAMPLES OF REVERSE 
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