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DID CAIN ACT ALONE? Any day now we expect to see an article 
on the world's first political murder. No doubt, the author will 
challenge the official inquiry ("Are you going to take His Word 
present evidence to support the "second 


ig a group of d 
Garden. You know the forn 
Ше Roman military or the oli 


sident exiles from someplace called the 
Was Brutus set up as a patsy by 
coil cartel? Did Shakespeare 
icy Uheoriz- 


national sports. The American dream has taken on a new 
twist. Any child can grow up to be the President or the 
assassin of Ше President. Ours is the land of Sam Colt equality: 
e, one gun. It’s time we faced the reality of 
This month marks the debut of Playboy's 
History of Assassination in America, a six-part serics by James 
McKinley. Death to Tyrants! probes the conspiracy and cover-up 
involved in Lincoln's murder. Future installments will probe 
the deaths of Garfield, McKinley, Germak, Hucy Long. John 
F. Kennedy, Martin Luther King, Jr. and Robert Kennedy. 
We hope that there will be no cause to continue beyond six 
ıpters, bur given the political climate, the series probably 
I go on forever. 

моа; Nobokov os in the New Year with The Doorbell, 
a story of a young man who, alter losing his father and home- 
land to the Mar: Revolution. searches the émigré colony 
Berlin for a link with his past. The story is part of a forthcom- 
ing collection from the grand master, Details of a Sunset, to be 
published by McGraw-Hill in the spring. John Cheever's Falconer 
artwork by Christion Piper) is a love story about an upper-class 
rderer (Loomis, fratridde, zip to ten, number 734-508-32). 
fe with such skill that 
to wonder if he'd е bcen inside. He had. For 
several years he taught a creative-writing dass at Sing Sing. 
(Rumor has it that a few of his students signed up thinking 
it was a graduate course in check forgery.) Rounding out the 
fiction is Tooth, a story by €. E. Povermon. The author also 
teaches writing, not at prison but at Yale, which is close. 

As for nonfictional offerings, well, you'd better sit back and. 
pour yourself а stilf drink. On the rocks. According to Robert 
Ardrey, we are on the verge of another ice age. The Glaciers 
Are Coming! The Glaciers Are Coming! is a chilling forecast 
of the consequences of the Big Freeze. The article (illustrated 
by John O'Leary) is an excerpt from Ardre: The 
Hunting Hypothesis (soon to be published by Atheneum). It 
may sound grim. but look on the light t you won't 
have to make that long trek to the refrigerator for ice cubes. 

Craig Korpel, à. professional naysayer in the promised land, 
takes a close look at the men and women who make good by 
not m ng it at all. Failure 15 lis Own Reward shows that 
the path to fame and fortune seems to be up the down st; 
case. Karpel says "This article is my contribution to the Bi- 
centennial celebration. It is time to change our national bird 
from the bald cagle to the turkey.” Den Greenburg would prob- 
ably agree, though his favorite [owl would be the spread 
gle. We talked our "Have body, will travel” reporter into 
iswering a few sexual classifieds. (71 got my hand job through 
The New York Times.”) The result is Dominant Writer Seeks 
Submissive Miss with Spankable Bottom, a comedy of erotic 
errors that cli es with an encounter between a Ah, 
but that would be giving it away, wouldn't it? Have another 
vodka and tonic and polish your leathers. 

Figuring that a. balanced. issue should contain at least one 
upbeat story, we sought a genuine success story. Our ear- 
witness news team, Eugenie Ress-Leming and Staff Writer David 
Standish, interviewed the pi 1 wizard elf, Elton John. The 


one 


polit 


w 


m 
Cheever captures the details of prison 


we bega 


PLAYBILL 


CHEEVER. 


O'LEARY 


ROSS-LEMING DUKHAM 


ynamic duo (who previously put up with the decibel out- 
put of Led Zeppelin and Cher for us) met the English star 
in the back yard of his Hollywood mansion. Nearby was a 
gazebo, haunted by the ghost of Greta Garbo, that John was 
converting to а machine-gun turret. Oh, well, it's all rock "n* 
roll. And then, for a second view from the top, we cornered 
Muhammed Ali. But. Coach, It Helps Me Relax reveals what 
champions do not eat for breakfast. The article is tiken from 
The Greatest: My Own Story. by Muhammad Ali with Richard 
Durham, published by Random House. If cold showers and no 
sex are the price of success. you can have it. 

You'd beuer have another drink. Economist Scott Burns 

studied the Social Security system and discovered 0 we're 
hock to the tune of 2.4 trillion dollars. Buddy, can you spare 
a platinum mine? In the course of researching America Is Go- 
ing Broke. the author wrote letters 10 two dozen Congressmen 
Senators and administrators. Few replied. Says Burns, 
mon responded fastest, an indication that the public lx 
from his spinach lunches. Henry Reuss's legislative staff 
vescarching the problem. So is Javits’. McGovern only wants 
to consider tic problem of income distribution. Ted Kennedy 
sent form lener th 
pressed. The investment me 
all the е. 
Actually, folks, it's not bad as it seems. We sent Robert 
Kerwin around 10 various celebrities 10 sce what they were 
doing to get through the hard times. He found that the majority 
of people he talked with were not pissed about what was going 
on in the country. “On the contrary,” he says, “most thought 
the U.S. was the greatest. You've got to remember that they 
re at the top of their professions. and rich.” That always 
helps. Read What, Me Worry? and learn how the great, the 
near great and the so-so cope with the world. Or drift into 
А Sporting Life, by novelist-poet Jim Harrison; his idea of escape 
is trying to hook а 100-pound tarpon on а 12-pound leader 
nd. if successful, to let it go. We've got our own patented 
method for rallying a flagging spirit. Check out the portfolios 
of PLAYBOY Stall. Photographer Richerd Fegley and New York 
artist Elizabeth Bennett for new perspectives on that eternal mys- 
tery, woman. Guaranteed to get you up. 

What better way to overcome your blues than by taking 
UNGERER delight 


vs I had nor ex 
ied food look better 


ing me for v 
its of dehydr 


the misfortunes of others? You think you have prob 


EA Um ғ Jems? You should read the daily mail of The Playboy Advisor 
When Assistant Editor James R. Petersen pointed out that our 
writers of the purple sage have been dispensing advice for 


over 15 years, we felt it was time for a quiz. So Petersen put 
together Great Hus from the Playboy Advisor. a collection of 
some ol our favorite quandaries. minus the advice, Fill in the 
blanks and don't worry. We always grade tests on a curve or 
curves. or whatever is handy 
Stamp Out Sex! is not, as you might think, a Government 
ppeal lor censorshi Ungerer has created a kit of 
anatomi rubber stamps that allow the bemused bureaucr 
to create endless erotic configurations. in triplicate. And Grand 
Designs is not another article on conspiracies. Is the title of 
a feature on creative menswear, by rLaysoy Fashion Director 
Robert L. Green, with visuals by photographer Ohta, aided not 
litle by Associate Photography Editor Hellis Wayne. И you're 
ready for another drink. check out Spirits of 776. a collection 
of revolutionary concoctions. or peruse carton 
tongue-in-cheek tribute to wine, Come with Me lo the Chateau, 
My Dear. Or maybe you have a sweet tooth. Out of the Mouths 
of Babes. а feature on erotic penny candies, will satisfy your 


yearnings, if not your appe 
Bob Dylan was wrong when he said don't look back. Some 
of the best things in our January issue соте from a retrospec- 


е approach. Judith Wax finds humor in her annual review, 
That Was the Year That Was, illustrated by Bill Uterback. And, 
of cowse, there's Playboy's Playmate Review. In fact, we 
were seriously considering rerunning 1975 until we saw Ken 
Marcus’ shooting of Deine House, Miss January. If there are 11 
more ladies like her out there, we'll risk another year. Cheers 


WAX 


LAVROV, JANUARY 1876. VOLUME 23. NUMBER I PUBLISHED MONTHLY BY PLAYBOY. IN NATIONAL AND REGIONAL EDITIONS. PLAYBOY BLDG..919 MICHIGAN AVE.. CHICAGO. ILL. 69613. SECOND-CLASS POSTAGE 
Tale ar CHICAGO, ILL. AND AT ADDITIONAL MAILING OFFICES. SUBSCRIPTIONS. IN THE UNTER STATES. S10 FOR ONE YEAR. POSTMASTER; SEND FORM 3579 TO PLAYBOY, P- O. BOX 1420, BOULDER, COLO. #0202, 


Storm Striders— Here's a ruggedly handsome way to cut through the chills. Just suit up in ~~ 
this blanket-lined Lee Rider storm jacket accented by a corduroy collar (about $26.) and 
step out in matching pre-washed denim jeans featuring a lean boot-cut flare leg (about $15.). - 
‘Top it all off with a Lee plaid flannel shirt (about $16.) and you've got another great Lee out- „ 9e 
fit going for you. The Lee Company, 640 Fifth Avenue, New York 10019. (212) 765-4215. 2 


‚companyot V zorporauon 


vol. 23, no. 1—january, 1976 


PLAYBOY. 


CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT. MAGAZINE 


РШАУВ nn " 3 
DEAR PLAYBOY... - n" 
PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 19 
TELEVISION. -— — ннен 20 
EROTICA 22 
BOOKS ae x 26 
MOVIES. 30 
RECORDINGS T 34 
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR... 39 
THE PLAYBOY FORUM 43 
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: ELTON JOHN— candid conversation 57 
THE GLACIERS ARE COMING!—article ROBERT ARDREY 72 
WHAT, ME WORRY?—symposium. ROBERT KERWIN 76 
THE DOORBELL—fiction VLADIMIR NABOKOV 81 
PHOTOGRAPHY BY: RICHARD FEGLEY—pic! as 


PLAYBOY'S HISTORY OF ASSASSINATION—artic! JAMES McKINLEY 96 


GREAT HITS FROM THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR—quiz 103 
SPIRITS OF '76—drink — EMANUEL GREENBERG 194 
COACH, IT HELPS ME RELAX—article MUHAMMAD All with RICHARD DURHAM 195 
OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES—humor 115 
FAILURE 15 ITS OWN REWARD—articte CRAIG KARPEL 113 
DECIDEDLY DAINA—playboy’s playmote of the month... 114 
PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES—humor 126 
THAT WAS THE YEAR THAT WAS—humor ... JUDITH WAX 128 
GRAND DESIGNS—attire ROBERT 1. GREEN 131 
AMERICA IS GOING BROKE—article SCOTT BURNS 133 
A SPORTING LIFE—orticle JIM HARRISON 144 
STAMP OUT SEX!—humor TOMI UNGERER 147 
FALCONER—fiction. ن و چ چ چ چ ت ی‎ OHIO) CHEE VER 156) 
PLAYBOY'S PLAYMATE REVIEW—pictoriol 155 
THE VARGAS GIRL—pictoriol ALBERTO VARGAS 164 
aaa DISHONOR REWARDED—rikald classic 165 
THE ELEVENTH-HOUR SANTA—gifts .... 167 
WOMAN!— pictorial ELIZABETH BENNETT 171 
TOOTH—fiction C. E. POVERMAN 177 
DOMINANT WRITER SEEKS SUBMISSIVE MISS—orticle. DAN GREENBURG 178 
COME WITH ME TO THE CHATEAU, MY DEAR—humor ELDON DEDINI 181 
PLAYBOY'S ANNUAL WRITING AWARDS. 187 
THINK TANK 204 
PLAYBOY POTPOURRI 218 
LITTLE ANNIE FANNY—satire.... HARVEY KURTZMAN ond WILL ELDER 243 


FERAL оғ 


LLY CONTERTS COPYRIGHT Or 
т WITHOUT WRITTEN PERMISSION FROM THE PUBLISKI TWEEN. THE PEOPLE AND PLACES IN THE FICTION AND SEUIFICTION 
ан THIS MAGAZINE AND ANY REAL PEOPLE AND PLACES 15 PURELY COINCIOENTAL CREDITS: COVER: PLAYMATES OF 1875. DESIGNED BY TOM STAEELER. PHOTOGMAPHY BY с 

OTHER PHOTOGRAPHY MT} BILL ARSENAULT. Р. 106108, DAVE ваны ғ э. JERRY BAUER, P. 3. DETTMARN ARCHIVE. INC.. Р 97: NOWARD L. BINGHAM, P. 3, JM 
P. э: CAMERA PRESS, P. 167. MARIO сап P. 195 137. JEFF COMEN. 1), GRANT EDWARDS, P. 3. RICHARD FECLEY. P- 
GORDON. Р. 135 DWIGHT HOOKER. ғ. 198 (2). 157. 112. CARL IRL P. 78. RICHARD IZUI. P. 104-108. 147-165, TOM KELLER. P. 4 нїн PAUL LAZAR, F 77 ANNIE LEIMOVITZ | 
M0; JAMES PROODIAN. + A, ВОВ REED. P. 4: KEN REGAN | CAMERA S. F. 70; SUZANNE SEED. P 4; ROWLAND SHERMAN, P. 4; CHUCK SHOTWELL. P. B5: VENON L. SMITH. P. 3, ED STRECKY / 
CAMERAS. т 87 (3), SURE. P. WM ат; V.P... P- ле (20. 77 C7), 7% (з). 79 (3), BT: DIANA M. WALKER, P. 107: WIDE WORLD. P. 76 (1). 78. 79 (3): TOM тик, P. 4. P. 106-109, 
DESIGNED BY TOM STAEBLER; ғ. 110. BUBBLEGUM CARD FROM GREEHLIAT CLASSICS, IMC., VOLUME 2—5E IN COMICS: P. 13138, WOMEN S TOPS BY BETTE WANDERWAN FOR FROPINQUITY. 


ING MAY BE REPRINTED IN WHOLE OR IN 


Wed like to help you 
choose the right color ТУ, 
Even if it isn't a Panasonic. 


When you plunk down several hundred dollars 
for a color TV, it had better be the right one. And 
it can be. With a little information about what to 
look for when you choose a set. 


What to look for in a picture tube. 
Dont fall in love with / 
the first picture you 
see. Look at as many 
as you can. Side by 
side. Decide which 
ones you like best. 
Then compare their 
technology. We think 
a picture tube should 
have a black matrix 
around each color dot | 
for greater contrast. You 
should also have a 
choice of delta or in-line guns. 
Panasonic has both. Another thing to look for is 
one of the latest developments in picture tube 
engineering. The Quintrix” picture tube. With an 
extra prefocus lens to concentrate and focus the 
electron beam. For a sharp picture from edge to 
edge. Panasonic developed it 


What to look for in a chassis. 

After you've test-watched the picture, look under 

the hood. And look for a powerful chassis. Because 

that can mean a brighter picture. Panasonic sets 

are about as powerful as you will find. Yet they use 
about as much electricity as a couple of 75-watt 
light bulbs. 

Then check to see if the 
chassis is 10096 solid state. That 
means no vacuum tubes to burn 
out. And greater reliability. 


Panasonic. 


just slightly ahead of our time. 


"The Quatrecolor with the Quintrix" 


All Panasonic sets аге 100% 
Solid state. And use up-to-date 
solid-state IC technology. So 
there's less circuitry. Which 
means less can go wrong 
And make sure the set is - : 
designed for easy service. That's the advantage 
of a modular chassis. In the Panasonic Quatrecolor* 
modular chassis, most components are on 
ge five snap-out, snap-in modular 
boards. So repairs, should they 
^. ever be necessary, can almost always 
be made quickly and easily. 


What to look for in controls. 


ea 


You buy a color TV to watch mem 
SOLID STATE 


color TV, not play engineer. 

Look for one button that 

controls color, tint, contrast ЩЕ 
and brightness. Panasonic e 
calls it Q-Lock" But you should also SS 
have the option to control your own picture. So we 
also include Manual Over-Ride. 


What to look for in a warranty. 
Look for a long one. While many other manufacturers 
are cutting back on warranties, every Quatrecolor 
set still has a 1-year warranty on parts and labor. 
And a 2-year parts and 1-year labor warranty on 
the picture tube. Our warranty card spells out the 
conditions of our limited warranty. 
We hope these hints help you choose the 

right color TV. And who knows? It just might be 

a Panasonic. 


стом 


PLAYBOY 


You can get a great tan 
with an electronic Minolta. 


Ап electronic Minolta makes it easy to 
capture the pictures that are everywhere. 

Its unique shutter responds instantly and 
automatically to the most subtle changes in 
light. So instead of worrying about exposure 
accuracy, you can concentrate on the picture. 
Even if the sun suddenly slips behind a cloud. 

The total information viewfinder gives 
you total creative control. Whether the 
camera is setting itself automatically or 
you're making all the adjustments, the finder 
shows exactly what's happening. You never 
lose sight of even the fastest moving 
subject. 

Achoice of models lets you select an 
electronic Minolta reflex that fills your 
needs. And fits your budget. Each accepts the 
complete system of interchangeable 
Rokkor-X and Celtic lenses, 
ranging from “fisheye” wide-angle to 
super-telephoto. 

Five years from now, all fine 35mm reflex 
cameras will offer the innovations these 
electronic Minoltas give you today. See them 
at your photo dealer or write for information to 
Minolta Corporation, mis 
101 Williams Drive, 
Ramsey, New Jersey 
07446. In Canada: 
Anglophoto Ltd., P.Q. 


Minolta XK/Minolta XE-7/Minolta XE-5 


More camera for your money. 


PLAYBOY 


HUGH M. HEFNER 
editor and publisher 


ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director 
ARTHUR PAUL art director 
SHELDON WAX managing editor 
JAMES GOODE executive editor 
GARY COLE photography editor 
6. BARRY GOLSON assistant managing editor 


EDITORIAL 


REY NORMAN editor «FICTION: 
editor, VICTORIA с 
TTE assistant editors 
ом OWEN modern living editor, 
ROGER WIDENER assistant editor; wourkT 1. 
GREEN fashion director, bavim PLATT fashion 
editor; THOMAS manio jood < drink editor 
CARTOONS: MICHELLE URRY cdilor + COPY: 
м Е BOURAS editor, STAN AMBER assistant 
editor » STAFF: CRFICHEN MC NEESE, ROBERT 
SHEA, DAVID STEVENS senior editors: LAURENCE 


NZALES, DAVID STANDISH staff 
JOHN BLUMENTHAL, WILLIAM J. 
cant associate editors; 3. 


O'CONNOR, JAMES к. PETE 
SUSAN НЕ 


assistunt editors. 
LER, MARIA NEKAM, BARBARA NELLIS, 
SSAVANT research 
DAVID BUTLEK, MURRAY FISHER, NAT 

ARSON MOUNT, RICHARD RHODES, 
HEPHERD, ROBERT SHERRILL, BRUCE 
WILLIAMSON (movies), JONN skow conlribul- 
ing editors • ADMINISTRATIVE SERVICES: 
PATRICIA PAPANGELIS administrative editor: 
ROSE JENNINGS rights & permissions manager; 
MILDRED ZIMMERMAN adutinistrative assistant 


KAREN PADDERUD, TOM 
editors. 


ART 
том STAEBLER, RERIG POPE associate directors; 
вон POST, ROY моор WILLIS, CHET SUSKI, 
CORDON MORTENSEN, NORM SCHAEFER, JOSEPII 
Pacek assistant directors: JULIE ыла, 
VICTOR HUBBARD, GLENN STEWARD art assistants: 
EVE HECKMANN administrative assistant 


PHOTOGRAPHY 
MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor; HOLLIS 


WAYNE associate editor VAULT, DAVID 
CHAN, RICHARD FEGLEY, T HOOKER, 
POMPEO тозан staf) photographers; DON 


AZUMA, BILL and MEL FICGE, BRIAN D. HENNES- 
SEY, ALEXAS URBA contributing photographers; 
BILL FRANTZ associate photographer; JUDY 
JOHNSON assistant editor; LEO. KRIEGE photo 
Tab supervisor; Janice. makowrirz Moses chief 
stylist; ROBERT CHELIUS administrative editor 


PRODUCTION 

ASTRO director; ALLEN VARGO man- 

ELFANORE WAG RITA JOHNSON, 

MARIA MANDIS, RICHAKD QUAKTAROLL assistants 
READER SERVICE 

CAROLE CRUG director 


CIRCULATION 


BEN GOLDBERG director of newsstand sales; 
ALNIN WIEMOLD subscription manager 


ADVERTISING 
HOWARD W. LEDERER advertising director 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC. 
ROBERT s. rreuss business manager and 
associate publisher; RICHARD s. ROSENZWEIG 
executive assistant to the publisher; 
RICHARD м. KOFE asistani publisher 


Perth sends you its Best 
for the Holidays 


| 


DEWAR'S. 


Dewar’s never varies. 


IMPORTS CD, N. Y., N. Y. 
A 


€: 
> 


ios 


- Yóur menthol 
letting you down? 


Come up fothe consistently 
- smooth taste of extra coolness. 
The taste that only КОРІ ban 


Kings, 16 mg. "ter, "1 .2 mg. nicotine; Longs, 17 mg. “tar,” 1.2 mg. nicotine, av. per cigarette, FIC Report Apr. 75 


DEAR PLAYBOY 


БІ tonnes PLAYBOY MAGAZINE - PLAYBDY BUILDING, 919 N. MICHIGAN AVE., CHICAGO. ILLINOIS 60611 


THE ROCK "LLER REPORT 

Robert Scheer's article Nelson Rocke- 
feller Takes Care of Everybody (PLAYBOY, 
October) is a brilliant report on the 
progress of the ruling class in our countr 
Not only docs this article give the read- 
ng populace a candid picture of өш 
Vice-President but it abo demonstrates 
quite clearly the extent to which monop- 
oly-capitalism has infiltrated our so-called 
system of democracy. 


Gregg Christoph 
Dallas, Texas 


Scheer's article is entertaining and cx- 
well written, Rockefeller is a 
cat guy! You might be interested to 
know that he set foot. inside 
The Rockefeller Foundation until I in- 
vited him to address our staff some two 
years ago. We need more people like him 
in our country 

John H. Knowles, 

The Rockefeller Foun 

New York, New York 


What a jerk—that haltas Scheer 
Alter reading that twaddle, all 1 can 
say is, “Thank God for Rockefeller." 1 
was glad to find that we have men of 
Rockeleller's ability running the country 
1, I hope, the world. Just think where 
we would be headed il Scheer had to 
run anything. 


H. N. Cornay 
New Orleans, Louisiana 


your October issue, Robert Scheer 
that I have been dropped from 
Nelson Rockeleller's inner cirde beca 
(1) Fm Jewish; (2) my air condi 
dripped on Nelson 
Kissinger. All of il 
попе allected our 


se 
ner 
ind (3) I'm no Henry 
above are true, but 
close relationship. 
ever did, even tem- 
. kon caught me 
ng a girlie magazine (one of your 
petitors) in the office. 

Henry L. 1 


попа 
ashington, D. C. 


w 


1 Rockefeller 
irony and. even conta 
could furnish the 
h solid [ood for thought. 
But the piece is also grossly unfair and. 
ks of less than honorable journalism. 
simply collecting e 
preconceived theory. If Rockeleller were 


his tha 
ident w 


to give up his millions tomorrow, Scheer 
would have no difficulty or scruples. i 
blackening the ас. His si 
cence hides a sad though 
Lot 
Kensington, Connec 


God bless you people at PLavnoy! 
Scheer's article on Rockefeller brings back 
memories of The Daily Worker and 
People's World. When we published stull 
like that: Whew! We even got it from 
the Troskvites! sour efforts 
weren't. 


С. А. Woodbury 
Sausalito, California 


г on Rockefeller is superb. The 
article should be compulsory reading lor 
everyone concerned with the survival of 
American democracy. 

Mitchell Кошо 
Waitsfield. Vermont 


THEN 
Ha 


[AME BRONSON 

Crews's October profile of 
les Bronson (Charles Bronson Ain't 
No Pussycat) is a fascinating piece and 
а perfect embodiment of Crews's 
to combine the poignant and the macho, 
1 really don't know any other Americ 
writer who сап bring off that oxymoronic 
Kind of uiumph so well. Even Bronson 
should smile. 


Alan Williams 
New York, New York 


mite, PLAYBOY is dyna- 

d anyone who thinks that the 

ality of competing magazines matches 
passes P ot эсс the 

difference between shit and Shinola. 

T. O. Luce 

Edmonds, Washin 


My curiosity is aroused, Are you 
making some subtle comment about the 
otherwise assumed “stud” Bronson by 
showing him without balls? Your illustra- 


No comment, subtle or otherwise, is 
intended. 


If there ше still 
her or not Charles Bronson was really 
gunner in World War Two. let me 
clear them up once and for all. Charlie 


doubts as to 


тилн 60611, AND ALLOW 30 DAYS FOR CHANCE. MARKET 


IONS: IN THE UNITED STATES, ту POSSES: 
WHERE зіз FER YEAH. ALLOW 20 DAYS FOR NEN SUBSCRIPTIONS AND WENIWAL 
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RELATIONS, ADVERTISING: HOWARD W LEDERER, ADVERTISING DIRECTOR. DON HANFANAN, ASSOCIATE ADVERTISE ТЇС ТӨК. 


ADVERTISING MANAGER, зто ні 


ICHIGAN AVENUE: DETROIT, 


LIAM Г. MOORE, MANAGEN, вза FISHER BUILDING, LOS ANGELES 


EVERLY BOULEVARD, SAN FRANCISCO, RODEN E STEPHENS, MANAGER, 417 MONTGOMERY STREET 


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PLAYBOY 


12 


did serve as a B-29 tail gunner in the 
314th Bomb Group, 20th Air Force. I 
know, because I was the flight engineer. 
D. К. Carson 
New Cumberland, Pennsylvania 


STUDENT UNIONS 
Who's Been Sleeping in My Dorm? 
(вілувот, October) is a delight. Where 
is Ole Miss, anyway? In my opinion, the 
women there have their heads up their 
asses, 
Rhonda Gewin 
Redondo Beach, California 


Not all Southern females are as uptight 
and rigid in their views on sexuality as 
the Ole Miss girls you interviewed. You 
have made Southern women lock back- 
ward and backwoods. We cnjoy sex and 
do not hold these ridiculous attitudes. 
"Therefore, please don't make us Southern 
belles look like prudes. 

S. Pipes 

Columbia, South Carolina 


I wholeheartedly support the attitudes 
expressed by the coeds from Ole Miss. 
Who says they're traditionalists? These 
girls, these pillars of society and morality, 
are our last bastion for decency. I know, 
because I've got hair on both my palms! 

R. F. Sonnenberg II 
"Tucson, Arizona 


Judging from your survey Who's Been 
Sleeping in My Dorm?, Ole Miss is an 
ole mess. 


Michael G. Hutsko 
Seal Beach, California 


Т have just finished reading Who's 
Been Sleeping in My Dorm? I'm 72 years 
old and I've seen a lot of life in the 
raised on а Minnesol 
those were the days. We 
didn’t have the hang-ups that the article 
tells about. Most farm boys and girls 
don't. They see more screwing going 
on in one month than most city people 
sec in a year. Horses, pigs, cows, chick- 
ens, dogs and cats—and the neighbors’ 
kids Although 1 had a fairly religious 
upbringing, I certainly didn’t have any 


of the hangups the artide tells about. 
Maybe the college girls involved should 
spend a summer on the farm. 
Alex Walters 
Flagstaff, Arizona 


I doubt that the interviews with the Ole 
Miss coeds portray an 
of the average relationship going on in 
this so-called time capsule. I also question 
the validity of their statements, for South- 
ern belles have a tendency to cover up or 
even deny certain experiences—especially 
those related to sex. Compared with the 
other schools, Ole Miss is on the conserva- 
tive side and perhaps a little bel 
1 ask you to consider our locatio 
not only in the conservative South but 
also in the far more conservative state of 
Mississippi! Don't misjudge the Univer- 
sity of Mississippi. Our values and beliefs 
are the same as those of other schools—it's 
just that we have morc barriers to fight. 

(Name withheld by request) 
Ole Miss 
University, Mississippi 


Exceptional! Really enjoyed Who's 
Been Sleeping іп My Dorm? However, 
one thing puzzles me: With thinking such 
as that of the women of Ole M 
the hell has the republic made it this 
far down the road? Discouraging, very 
discouraging. 


Who's Been Sleeping in My Dorm? 
tells it like no other. I've been at Mi 
sippi State for three years, and I think 
it e for students to hang up their 
hang-ups. Virginity is dead, and I'm one 
who is damn glad! 


Keith Logue 


WELFARE LINES 

Robert S. Wieder is terrific and so is 
There 1s Such а Thing as a Free Lunch 
(PLaynoy, October). I've h: 
tion to PlayBoy for two years now. but 
nothing has impressed me as much as 
Wicder's article. 


Greg Broennle 
Girard, Ohio 


PLUS CA CHANGE 


After 


seeing your 


October cover, I hap- 
pened to come across 


this 


old Currier & 


Ives print titled The 


White and the 


Rose. Isn't 


Red 


the si 


larity rather suspicious? 
Mary K. Ferguson 
Bismarck, N.D. 
Yes, but we're used 
to being copied. 


COVER STORY 
I recently теа 
Presley and his latest com; 
Ryan. The article stated 
was a Playmate, but I've been abe 
find her in any of your past issues. Was she 
ever a Playmate? 
Doug Harrell 
Pensacola Beach, Florida 
No, but she was our October 1973 
cover girl. The photograph below is an 
outtake from that shooting. Incidentally, 


an article about El 


rumor has it that Miss Ryan is alternating 
between Elvis and actor James Caan, 


CHER CROPPERS 
1 love Cher a little less after reading 
the October Playboy Interview. She is 
fickle and I predict she will go back to 
her one true love, Sonny Bono. 
Thomas E. Ward 
Chicago. Illinois 


I found your interview very revealing. 
That candid conversation definitely proves 
that the greatest thing that ever happened 
to Sonny Bono was when he sp 

Bob Ragan 
San Antonio, Texas 


Congratulations on the fine interview 
with Cher. She is one of those magical 
litis whom we view as super 

and it was refreshing to read 
some truth about her for a change and 
not that trash from pulp mags ог tele- 
vision news. Fine job. PLAYNOY. 

Bob Brady 
Oklahoma City. Oklahoma 


The interview with Cher is completely 
— not because of an incompetent 
wer but because of the dull per- 
interviewed. Please spare us 
Turther insults. 


Kenneth Brock. 
Clemson, South Carolina 


Your interview is absolutely fantastic. 
Ive always thought she was wonderful 


Find a place for yourselves. 


Mix your club soda with white rum from Puerto Rico. 


White rum апа soda 


You may not have tasted a white 
rum and soda. You may not have 
even heard of it. It's gone quietly un- 
noticed amidst the hoopla around 
more colorful-sounding concoctions. 
Drinks that, by any description, taste 
even stranger than their names. 

White rum and soda has a taste 
that doesn't need a fancy name. 

It's amarvelous combination of clear 
effervescence and smooth white 
rum from Puerto Rico. 

Only the white rums that come 


from Puerto Rico can do so much 
for club soda. They're the only white 
rums aged by law. Aged until 
they're smooth enough to mix with 
almost anything—from club soda to 
orange juice to vermouth. 

In fact, nothing mixes better 
than white rum from Puerto Rico. Not 
vodka. Not gin. Not anything. 

Try it today. See how nice itis to 
havea place for yourselves. 

Aplace to stay. 
PUERTO RICAN RUMS 


For tree party booklet, write: Puerto Rican Rums, Dept. P-17, 1290 Avenue of the Americas, М.Ү.. N.Y. 10019. 


©1976 Commonwealth of Puerto Rico 


PLAYBOY 


M 


California Brandy 
and soda. 


A simple drink. But 
what subtle flavor. 
There's a light, clean 
taste that comes from 
California grapes. It 
makes a refreshing 
change of pace at 
cocktail time, or 

any time. 


California Brandy 
stinger. 


It only looks compli- 
cated. Just mix 2 
parts California 
Brandy with 1 part 
creme de menthe and 
serve over crushed 
ice. A clean crisp. 
way to end the 
evening. 


Thereore more ihon 150 


and now I know she really is. And she 
all the things a truly great lady should be. 
Thanks for telling us about the real Cher. 
K, Laberg 
Holyoke, Massachusetts 


WOMEN IN LOVE 
J. Frederick Smith's Sappho (Pravno 

October) is а delight. I've seen fe 

like that before 

never have I seen one so tasteful and 

erotic. Congratulations. 

Bob Norton 

New York, New York 


I think your pictorial Sappho is in 
c. It's offensive, stupid and 
This is supposed to be a men’s 
Why must wc be subjected to 
acts of those stul 
Why don't you leave such m. 
magazines that cater to homosex 
(Name and address 
withheld by request) 


I must commend you for Sappho. I 
found the pictures both artistic and erotic 
at the same time. 

Jerome T. Creikus 
Elmendorf AFB, Arkansas 


TOP OF THE WORLD 

Heres another first for your great 
magazine. Everyone knows rtavsov is 
read dmoughout the world, but Im 


probably the first person to read it at the 

North Pole (May 4, 1975). 
Gene A. Bucci, MM2 
0.5.5. Bluefish (SSN 675) 


POETRY IN MOTION 
I enjoyed your “Poetic License” 
(Playboy After Hours, October), but you 
missed one: FAH Q. from 
Debbie 


With the advent of personalized 
license plates, 1 adopted a what-the-hell 


ifornia Depart 
bat a 
request. 


Mot 
bureaucratic еј 


ment of 


Heights, California 


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15 


The whole neighborhood 
wondered what Frank Mallon 


was up to in his worksh 


Word had it he was up to something mighty peculiar. 
And when he didn’t show up for bowling practice one 
Wednesday night, the Wabash Cannonballs (that was the 
name of his neighborhood team) began to wonder, too. 

So it was that a bunch of the boys de- 
Cided to pay their "star" a visit, and talk him out 
of his workshop and back into action. 

It didn’t happen that way, though. 

Matter of fact, it was Frank Mallon who 
talked the Wabash Cannonballs out of their 
bowling night and down into his workshop. 
What was it ... what could be exciting enough to 
keep a bunch of ten-pintigers from their favorite 
pastime? One of the most fascinating learn-at- 
home programs in the world, that's what! 


Actually build and experiment 
with the new generation color TV in Bell 
Б. Howell Schools’ fascinating learn-at- 
home program. It will help you develop 
new occupational skills as an electronics 
troubleshooter. 


You'll set up your own electronics lab- 
oratory to learn first-hand, the technology Бе- 
hind such innovations as digital-display wrist- 
watches and tiny pocket calculators. 

In faci, as part of the program, you'll 
actually build and experiment with a 25" di- 
agonal color TV incorporating digital features. 

But most important of all will be the 
new skills you'll develop all along the way... the kind of skills 
that could lead you in exciting new directions. While we 
cannot offer assurance of income opportunities, once you ve 
completed the program ycu can use your training: 

1. To seek outa job in the electronics industry. 
2. Toupgrade your current job. 
3. Asa foundation for advanced programs in electronics. 


Go exploring at home, in your spare time. 
No traveling to class. No lectures. No one looking 
over your shoulder. 


Bell £ Howell Schools wants to introduce you to the 
modern way to learn. It means you'll be able to develop new 
skills in your own home—on whatever days and hours you 
choose. So you don't have to give up your present job or | 
paycheck just because you want to learn new occupational 
skills. 

What's more, we believe that when you're 
a field as fascinating as electronics, reading about 
not enough. 

That's why you'll get lots of "hands on” experience 
with some of the most impressive electronic training tools 
you've ever seen. 


No electronics background necessary. 

That's one of the advantages of this program. We 
start you off with the basics and help you work your way up, 
one step at a time. In fact, with your first lesson you receive a 
Lab Starter Kit to give you immediate working experience on 
equipment. 

You build and perform exciting experiments 
with Bell & Howell's Electro-Lab“. An exclusive 
electronics training system. 

First comes the design console. After you 
assemble it, you'll be able to setup and examine circuits 
without soldering. 


op. 


Next, you'll put together a digital multimeter. This 
instrument measures voltage, current and resistance, and 
displays its findings in big, clear numbers like 
on a digital clock. 

Then comes the solid-state “triggered 
sweep" oscilloscope. An instrument similar in 
Principle to the kind used in hospital operating 
rooms to monitor heartbeats. You'll use it to 
analyze the “heartbeats” of tiny integrated 
Circuits. The “triggered sweep” feature locks in 
signals for easier observation. 


You'll build and work with 
Bell & Howell's new generation color TV... 
investigating digital features you've 
probably never seen before! 

This 25" diagonal color TV has digital 
features that are likely to appear on all TV's of 
the future. 

As you build it, you'll probe into the 
technology behinc all-electronic tuning. And 
into the digital circuitry of channel numbersthat 
appear right onthe screen! You'll also build in a 
remarkable on-the-screen digital clock that will 
flash the time in hours, minutes and seconds. 

And you'll program a special 
automatic channel selector to skip over "dead" 
channels and go directly to the channels of 
your choice 

You'll also gain a better understanding of the 
exceptional clarity of the Black Matrix picture tube, as well 
asa working knowledge of “state-of-the-art” integrated 
circuitry and the 100% solid-state chassis. 

After building and experimenting with this TV, you'll 
be equipped with the kinds of skills that could put you ahead 
ofthe field in electronics know-how. 


We try to give more personal attention 
than other learn-at-home programs. — 

1. Toll-free phone-in assistance. Should you ever 
run into a rough spot, we'll be there to help. While many 
schools make you mail in your questions, we have a toll-free 
line for questions that can't wait. 

2. In-person “help sessions”. These are held in 50 
major cities at various times throughout the year, where you 
can talk shop with your instructors and fellow students. 

So take a tip from Frank Mallon. Find 
ош more about the first learn-at-home program 
that could stir up your neighborhood! 


Mail this postage-paid card today 
for more details! 

Taken for vocational purposes, this 
program is approved by the state approval 
agency for Veterans’ Benefits. 

If card has been removed, write: 
An Electronics Home Study Schoo! 


DEVRY INSTITUTE DF TECHNOLOGY 
ONE OF me 


BELL & HOWELL SCHOOLS 


4141 Belmont Chicago по 60641 


"Eleciro-Lab^" is a registered trademark of the 


Bell & Howell Company. 69684 


PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 


asn't 


because it sold him a bowl of var 
ice cream with a prophylactic in it 
the official wording of the lawsuit. it’s 
explained that condoms are not "nor 
mally or usually found in ice cream. 

. 

Our uncontested blue ribbon for Most 
Inspired Political Headline goes to. The 
Washington Post for its boldface sum- 
mary of political upheaval in the 
Spanish government: “THE REIGN IN SPAIN 
15 PLAINLY ON THE WANE.” 

. 

From Illinois‘ Quincy Herald-Whig. in 
a column on activities in the circuire 
Clerk's office, we note that a 
п was fined ten dollars for 
“loose protruding member. 


Yr-ycs 


n һау 


B 
How to light up a camel: Owners of a 
Mife preserve in Winston, Oregon, 
seeking a female companion lor 
George, а two-humped camel who is re 
portedly so sexually frustrated. he's been 
trying to mate with a 15-passenger mini- 
bus. "He works up a good frothing at the 
month," says a preserve official. “and 
makes clumsy hunging, drooling passes at 
the park's minibus every time it goes by.” 
. 
попети in aviation: Policeman 
леду pleaded guilty in Colum 
to chi 


w 


are 


bus, Ohio. 
a field in his 55 


goa pheasant along 


000 police he 
which then crashed. 


opter, 


. 

A campus washroom at the University 
of North Carolina has three urinals. one 
with two side panels, one with one and 
a third with none. Over the urinal with 


two panels is the legend costav. 
onesided urinal reads моренлтк and the 


And 


third is designated LIRERAL on a 
nearby blank wall, some wrote, 
"Radical." 

. 


The winning enuy in a contest to 
e of Cali- 


California 


write a new slogan [or the st 


fornia held in Cupertino was: 


is the cemerlold of the atlas.” Let's sce, 
M San Francisco is the navel, that 


ke L.A.. 


would m 


. 
Maybe everythin 


g is bigger in Texas! 
An editorial in the Daily Texan, student 


newspaper of the University of Texas, 
that top university leadership "has 
been limited by the most powerful group 
in the University System pecking order 
the Board of Regents. Of course, the top 
pecker of them all is the governor. 
. 
Blooper of the month: A news anchor 
1 on Pittsburgh's KDKA-TV wid 
recently: “In the headlines; Emperor 
Hirohito rides in an open carriage in 
Williamsburg . . . and our weatherman 
Bob Kudzma says there's a nip in the air.” 
. 
he docs in the A X P. 
An 18-year-old youth was arrested recent- 
ly for indecent exposure in a supermarket 
The name of the market is Zip-N-Go. 
А 


God knows ж 


Maybe she hadn't used her Polident: 
Alter reporting the marriage 
chess star Boris Spassky to French sec- 
retary Marina Stcherbatchelf, Chi- 
cago Sun-Times went on to say: "Despite 
pleas fiom photographers, Spassky de- 
clined to kiss the bridge." 
. 

Sign seen in the window of a Seattle 

massage parlor: TI'S NICE TO BE KNEADED. 


of Russian 


the 


. 

Taking credit where credi 
California company placed this announce- 
ment in ihe local newspaper: "Valley 
Mattress is proud of the part it has played 
in the growth of Sacramento.” 

. 

newsin 


due, 


When a TV Buffalo, 
New York, asked a bevy of beauty queens 
what they had looked like 
13, he received the ust 
sponses. Until, that is. he asked one par- 


t the age of 


1 insipid re- 


ticularly wellendowed young blonde. “ 
s very skinny," she said, and the x 
porter replied. "I guess you've found 
something good to Not 


since then 


8 


PLAYBOY 


one to be stuck for an answer, she shot 
back: “Oh, my goodness, yes. I could eat 
most men under the table." 

. 

The following item appeared in ап 
editorial in The Miami News: “The U. S. 
Interior Department has announced that 
it is banning the import of three species 
of kangaroo from Australia. It is a bad 
decision. coming at a time when a lot of 
U. S. courts are already understated. 

5 

Cop cupers: The captain from the 
Seale vice squad hid in the hotel 
room closet while his female а: 
went to answer the door. When th 
tomer entered, out popped the 
gold badge in hand, ready to make the 


arrest. The other man, however, was hold. 


Iver patrolman's star. He'd come 
10 make a prostitution arrest as part of 
another. investigation. 


PLAYBOY'S 
HALL OF 
FLEETING FAVE 


Voted in for having made the most 
idiotic scientific discovery of the cen- 
tury: Lotmar Knaak ss py- 
chologist. who, after years of research, 
determined that Winston Churchill's 
cigar was a phallic symbol of potency. 


The state of Indiana has revoked the 
corporate license of the Anna Lee's Anti- 
Corset Society, which was founded at the 
turn of the century cording to 

Gi i 
for 


disbanded 


Reporting an incident in 
buxom young lady stole 
purse, the El Paso, Texas. Herald-Post 
ran the following headline: “шокту 
BURGLAR SOUGHT FOR SNATCH. 


another 


TELEVISION 


emember 
R when the 
television sca- 
son lasted all 
year? Once a se- 
ries was sched- 
uled, it ran 


The Second Season is 
already off and running. 
First away from the post: 
The Cop and the Kid." 


overweight, 
asthmatic po- 
liceman and a 
street-smart 
black teenager. 
who's placed in 
his custody. 


(with liberal 
helpings of re- 
runs) more or 
less from mid- 
September to 
late sp 
Then the 
works started 


wary rep 
ments for shows 
with i 
та 
this practice be- 
came common 
enough. it was 
legitimized with 
its own bally- 
hoo as The Sec- 
ond Season. 

Well if things 
keep going the 
way they did 
during 1975, 
this year's Sec- 
ond Season will 
begin around September 30. By е 
October of 1975, scarcely four weeks 
the fall schedule, and with over 
time viewership down thee to five per- 
cent, CBS and NBC had already axed 
six programs; ABC, basking in the un- 
ccustomed. sunshine of top ratings. was 
limiting itself to time changes (one net- 
exccutive observed with modest 
ado: “We don't cancel shows when 
" number onc"). 

Such speed with the hatchet 
ercised in earlier seasons, would h; pt 
G Bonanza and All in the Fam- 
ily from their deep-rooted spots in the 
American psyche. All were slow starters. 
But the bad news for such carly losers 
ol 1975 as Fay. The Montefuscos, Big 
Eddie. The Family Holvak, Kate Mc- 
Shane and The Invisible Man 
course. good news for the replacement 
shows waiting in ihe wings. Among the 
earliest’ to debut, December fourth on 
NBC. was Playboy Productions’ first TV 
series. The Cop and the Kid. starring 
Charles Durning (memorable as the cor 
rupt, squeakyshoed detective in The 
Sting) and 15year-old Tierre Turner, pre- 
viously featured in episodes of McCloud. 
That's My Мата and Emergency. Cop 
and Kid is the story of a love-hate rel 
jp not unlike that of Wall 
Весту and Jackie Cooper in The Champ. 


The 


arly 


if ex- 


was. of 


e 


according to executive producer Jerry 
Davis, formerly of Bewitched, That Girl 
nd The Odd Couple— on an 


vs. the Cop. 


The show near- 
ly made it onto 
the September 
sched ule— 
“When it 
didn't, 1 felt 
like Tom Dewey 
on the mor 
of November 
1948.” recalls 
Award L. Ris- 
sien, Playboy 
Produc 7) 
Executive Vice- 
President. 
"Now we've 
come into a 
very tough 
time period 
opposite The 
Waltons—but I 
think we're go 
ing to make it," 
predicts Rissien, 
whose Playboy 
Productions 
has entered into a long-term arrangement 
with Paramount TV to develop seve 
series. 

Immediately preceding The Cop and 
the Kid on NBC's Thursday-nigh sched- 
ule, also having debuted December fourt 
is Grady. off from № 
Sanford and Son, starring Whitm: 
as Fred Sanlord's good old buddy 

CBS-TV led off its Second Season. on 
December 17 with another. kindly-police- 
man show. The Blue Knight, in which 
corge Kennedy plays a cop on th 
who hoofs it through an integrated n 
borhood. The folks at ABC-TV wi 
we said carlier, not talking about 


a spi 


1 Mayo 


€. as 
ncclla- 
tions at the time we went to press. One 


PR man did. however. hazard an educated 
y will probably bring Carl 
anthology series, Good 
Heavens (Reiner, іп shades of Here 
Comes Mister Jordan out ol The Million- 
plays an angel who grams wishes to 
deserving people). and Viva Valdez, 
situation comedy about а Mexicau-Amer- 
ican family, starring genuine ethnic Mex- 
ican-Americans. The 

were told by outside sources, no [ewer 
a 45 projects under way to All any 
gaps. As a publicist for NBC 
observed with a sigh: “Is a whole new 


aire. 


network has, 


we 


sudde 


ball game. If it doesn't go, you get rid 
of 


ster 
Whats next? M. 
g sometime 


be a Third Season, 
n March? 


"My Marantz stereo is built strong as a 
bloomin tank!" 


“Tve got a lot of respect for 
Marantz’ first-rate construction. In my 
establishment my Marantz stereo 
system is goin’ all the time, year in, 
year out. And because Marantz builds 
receivers with nothin’ gS 
but the best се 1 
materials, theyre 5 277 
as dependable 
and rugged as the 
Highland Regulars. But it’s the sound 
that stirs the heart. Especially with 
the built-in Dolby Noise Reduction 
System! You can use it to silence 
noise on tapes, records, even FM 
Dolbyized radio programs. The 
Marantz sound is so ruddy real 
that listenin’ to the pipers playin’ 
makes me feel like I was back with my 
old regiment chasin the Desert Fox” 


London pub owner Sergeant Major 
(Ret.) Harry Driscoll owns a Marantz 
2325 AM/FM stereo receiver. 

125 watts continuous power per 
channel at 8 ohms from 20 Hz to 

20 kHz with no more than 0.15% 
total harmonic distortion. See the 
complete Marantz line starting as low 
as $299.95 at your Marantz dealer. 


All over the world 
people consider Marantz Stereo 
the finest in the world. 


HEC den mre in ET av. 
We sound better. 


PLAYBOY 


22 


EROTICA 


t's Saturday night and we're at 
| the Rodger Young Center іп 
downtown Los Angeles, where 
the Santa Monica and Harbor 
freeways join in smoggy embrace 
above a neighborhood of ware- 
houses and funeral parlors. 
(About 50 years ago, Ше city 
fathers exiled the funeral parlors 
to spec 
have rema 
the First Annvol Bondage, Leather, 
Fetish, Inquisition ond Mosquerade 
Party, sponsored by a newspaper 
called Fetish. Times. The advertis- 
ng circular promises demonstra- 
tions of bondage and discipline, 
spanking, slaves in cages and on 
the rack, TV (that is, transvestite) 
serving wenches, commercial ex- 
hibits and door prizes. 

On the ground floor of the 
Rodger Young Center, an every- 
day wedding reception is in prog- 
ress, the bride and groom gaily 
oblivious to “the bizarre event ol 


The price of admission to the 


second-floor ballroom is ten dollars for males, 
five dollars for females and transvestites, 


which places the management 
just to the left of Noah's ark. 


front of the air-pumping Accu- 
Jac masturbation. machine. He 
Tips off her blouse and skirt, ties 
her hands behind her back and, 
with a crowd of onlookers press- 
ing in around him, rears back and 
proceeds to peddle Pony Kits at 
$250 apiece. The kit includes 
harness with bit, riding crop, 
stirrups and 12 pairs of net stoc 
ings, in case your horse gets a run 
in its nylons. 

Around ten o'clock, a loud 
band starts up. An elegant black 
couple takes to the floor to offer 
another kind of exotic merchan- 
dising. Theyre not selling Pony 
Kits but themselves, displaying 
their wares with all the style 
and grace of some young Fred 
Astaire and Ginger Rogers star- 


ring in an X-rated movie. But 
ihe party hasn't attracted any 
y to swing. so the 


out, they provide the evening's only 


the decade,” as the Times modestly 
. rearing its chin-strapped 
1d on the floor above. The price of 
mission 10 the second-floor ballroom is 
ten dollars for males, five dollars for fe- 
nales and transvestites, which places th 


just to the left of Noah’s 
ark. The display tables begin in a room 
Е to one side and continue on into the 


ballroom. For sale for between three dol- 
nd five dollars are magazines with 
itriguing titles like International Action, 
House of Enemas and Water & Power, a 
publication that purports to be the maga- 
zine of enemas, water sports. sp 
B & D (bondage and discipline), 
lism and, if everything else fails, s 
We pause at the sponsors booth. being 
manned by a soberlooking gentleman 
med. Cal, who runs a mail-order house 
out of Sherman Oaks, California, and he 
tells us optimistically that 70 percent of 
tes can't 
on theii 
ing 30 perce 
Cal dismisses them with a shrug: “They're 
not into the 
ide the ballroom, we sce enough 
leather on display to make the cow 
endangered species. Your basic black out- 
fit goes [o 95. It includes mask, 
mouth wrist straps, brassiere, 
panties, garter, a 
t attaches to both 


sortment of whips: The li 
Duster with six tails costs 522: but for 
those with a low threshold of pain, the 
fivedollar Pussy whip will do nicely 
Other accessories include an inflatable 


g mask that puts an expanding rubber 
in your beloved's mouth (575). 
avitate toward а display table at 
active ladies in leather 
tank suits sit and glow the passers- 
- They are the faculty of the He 
of Dominance, and the head dominat 
Mistress Lonnie, hands us a brochure 
containing the course of study. The 
school, we read, offers over-the 

» with st а 


We gi 
ich three аш 


in ene- 
istered 
while the "patient" is suspended. upside 
down hom the ceiling—and wrestling. 
Tuition ranges from $30 to $10 а half 


hour; we decline to enroll. 

The ballroom, we notice, is begi 
to fill up. 
wo 


There are masked me 
hooded man in a leather biki 
h a jute rope around his neck: a guy 
with the seat of his pants ripped. ош, 
a belt made out of -50caliber 
n a cheese- 


sporti 
pachinegun bullets; a 
cake bridal өшін 
mother; a man in 
an annload of wooden 
and everywhe ms of photographers 
Suddenly, a scholarlylooking girl bre: 
through the crowd, holy pursued by a 
led man in a pink shirt. ‘They 
speed past the penis water fountain, past 
s, female torsos and bı 
nging nipples, past electric 
beneath a poster that reads: 
ULTIMATE DONDAG 


c 
e swa 


bespect: 


sts 


dildos, 
AMPUTATION 15 THE 
E 


ULATION 
Finally, he throws her to the floor in 


example of class entertainment. 
The lackadaisical imprisonment of a 
bikinied girl in an iron cage marks the 
beginning of the stage show. An affable 
master of ceremonies introduces the first 
attraction, the helty Queen Айг 
who promptly knocks over the micro- 
phone stand. Adrena and an assistant 
med Linda gambol to a tune called 
llow My Love Inside. But the audi- 
lowing, so they are bumped 
by an electric organist who sings Whip- 
ping Post. After the organist goes down 
to defeat, the master of ceremonies Lays 
а wizened teenager across his lap and 
spanks her with a custom leather раа 
Next, an elephantine Mistress Uba strides 
on stage, shouting, “I won't leave this 
joint until I beat some asses." Her act 
is titled "How to Tr Male 
Female.” She leads a wochegone 
young man on stage 
cin find the body harness io put him i 
the skit grinds to a halt through 
‘The big producti т features а 
lomasochistic dance by N 1, toured 
not only to be Queen of Life and God 
y bur also to have the sm 
the world. All goes well until 
Queen Natasha exchanges her cat-c 
tails for a flaming baton—whereupon, 
fearing that the Queen of Life may burn 
down the building, an unidentified man 
wrests the baton from her fumbling fin- 
gers and extinguishes the flame. The 
Goddess of Reality goes off in a pout. 
the stage show comes to an end and the 
Annual Bondage, Leather, Fetish, 
Inquisition and Masquerade. Party 
with its boots on. 


a 


sform a 


nto 


but since no onc 


You can give it in 107 countries and 75 languages. 


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Û Send unsigned gift card to me. 
O Send my gift card signed "from — 


Please complete the following 

D Enter or renew my own subscription. 

D $. — endosed. 

О Bill me after January 1. 

C) Charge 10 my Playboy Club credit Key no. 


DBEE STREBEN 


(Enter additional subscriptions on separate sheet.) 


"Based on current newsstand single-copy prices. neo 
PLAYBOY. Playmate and Rabbit Head symbol are marks of Playboy. Reg. U S. Pat. Off 


Address 
City —- 


Please cirde A or B below 
to indicate which card you 
want to announce your 
gift of PLAYBOY 

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Mail your order to: 
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Rates and credit apply to 

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©1973, 1975, Playboy 


PLAYBOY 


26 


BOOKS 


rhaps some social historian of the 

future will discover the cultural and 
psychological reasons why so many Ameri- 
ated by doc- 
tors—not by medical science. particularl 
nd certainly not by health care but by 
doctors themselves, especially the ones 
who are colorful, egotistical. stinking 
rich, maybe even a little quacky. To his 
credit as a popular writer, Roger Rapo- 
port takes this topic—which, you'll re- 
member, he's dealt with in PLAvnov—and 
produces in The Super-Doetors (Playboy 
Press) light and highly readable biograph- 
icl sketches of almost two dozen celeb- 
rity physicians who have managed to do 
for medicine what Joe Namath did for 
football. We have the renowned Dr. Wil- 
gs Bryan, Jr. world’s lead- 
ng practitioner and promoter of medical 
hypnosis, who cures patients of such mala- 
dies as the Snapping Pussy Syndrome (i 
potence through fear that the vagina has 
teeth) and who claims to have balled 
11.999 women, with up to 15 orgasms a 
lore conventionally, we have heart- 
plant pioneer Christiaan Barnard: 
the venerable Benjamin Spock: open- 
heart surgeon. Denton Cooley; Robert 
Atkins, the fabulous “fat doctor"; and the 
polio-vaccine war between Salk and Sabin 
And many more, all high priests of th 
heating arts whose skills are often equaled 
by their eccentricities. 

. 

It’s hard to imagine gypsies 
e would they park their wagons? 
there are only certain sections of 
jor cities (like Ninth Avenue in the 
40s in Manhattan) where their tradi- 
tional costumes would not raise eyebrows. 
But have you ever been accosted by an 
Ilycarold girl asking you to buy а 
flower for the American Indian children? 
Shes one of the estimated 250.000 10 
.000.000 gypsies im the United States 
today. Most of tl 


a city. 


city one step ahead of bail bondsmen and 
creditors they've ripped өй. Peter M. 
ing of the Gypsies (Viking) tells us t 
their contemporary lifestyle is not all that 
different from the way they lived for ce 
turies. For example, a gypsy woman 
can still make à gypsy man an 
or marimay, by flashing 
хайа at him. But nowa- 
of wagons, they 
and 

olns. And although they 
pride themselves on their illit- 
acy, they have adapted well 
enough to urban life to know how 
to swindle credit companies, 
shortchange banks and steal cars, 
as well as run their usual scams: 
fortunetelling and extorting 
money from other gypsies. They 
have even perfected a method for 


Americans are fetishistically 
fascinated by doctors— 
especially the ones 
who are colorful, 
stinking rich, 
maybe even a little quacky. 


Eros in Pompeii—sensuolly debauched. 


Shunga: The Art of Love іп Japan—graphically explicit. of the 


bending the criminal-justice system to 
their own ends. If they're pissed off at 
someone, they simply file felony charges 
against him, The main thread of the book 
follows the struggle that developed when 
the last king of the gypsies, King Tene 
Bimbo, bequeathed his throne not to his 
son but to his grandson, Steve Tene, i 
hopes that Steve could lead his people 
the 20th Centu It's unlikely he could 
succeed even if he were so disposed. Gyp- 
sies remain the List renegades of the world, 
and their strange and tight-knit brother- 
hood is geared to keep them that w 
. 

Listen. America: It’s time you added a 
little quality to your act. А black-wax 
penis-shaped candle is not the height of 
decadence. Two recent books should open 
your eyes to the comparatively low-rent 
eroticism offered by our own culture. Eros 
in Pompeii (Morrow), by Michael Grant 
nd Antonia Mulas, presents the sexual 
facts long hidden in the secret rooms 
of the National Museum of Naples. Pl 
lic birdbaths. Dwarls and pygmies riding 
their own giant cocks. Obscene wind 
chimes. We suspect that the eruption of 
Vesuvius was nor a geological event—it 
was a physical response to the sensual de- 
bauchery of the Pompcians. Shunga: The 
Art of love Idington), by Tom 
and Mary chronicles the risc 
of the merch: Japan, 
when the only freedom granted the rich 
by the ruling class was that of sexual 
pleasure. The Ukiyo. or “floating world. 
offered all those who could afford it erotic 
toys and varied partners. Every home was 
equipped with explicit pillow books (the 
shunga of the title) and accessories (what 
America makes in plastic and calls mari- 
tal aids). Study a woodcut of а young 
woman atop à carved ivory phallus and 
you sense the spirituality of the act. Com- 
pare that with à contemporary woman 
who, plugging herself into her vibrator, 
at best feels a mild gratitude toward the 
people who m 


into 


nulacture batte 
. 


The triumphs of this century live 
side by side with its atrocities—scientific 
achievement coexisting with the horrors 
concentration camps. 
With the publication of The 
Gulag Archipelogo 2 (Harper & 
Row), the second volume of the 
massive work that occupied him 
for 20 years, Alexander Solzheni. 
tsynnnow completes his exhumation 
of the slavelabor camps of the 
Soviet Union. Volume one was a 
personal account, volume two is 
more comprehensive and analyt- 
ic: but both are illuminated by a 
raging indignation so withering 
that they are hardly bearable to 
read. Solzhenitsyn writes not 


X bal box makes. 2 
. difference. 


OGG м 
Ars fits in my jeans or Jacket and doesn’t. 2 
T NS crushed. t makes a different 
‘Winston's taste mak : 

дед, too. No cigarette 


(For: me, d is fo E қ Y 
Р 724 P i 


Warning: The eus General Has Determined 
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. 


q 


PLAYBOY 


merely as a historian but also as a survivor; 
in Gulag ? appear zeks imprisoned lor 
ten years for smiling while reading 
Pravda, children who murder without a 
thought, men encased in living hell who 
still refuse to compromise with evil. The 
only corresponding book to come out of 
ihe West in 200 yems is Gulliver's Trav 
els, and that excursion into human ab- 
suidity р Solzhenitsyn. 
in cataloging the everyday depravities of 
the Gulag—dogs. stoolies. shock workers, 

i nd crime—makes 
redemp- 
island, no 


les by comparison. 


tion: If the 
man dare ever be. 


. 
If there is anything left to be 


about W: ate, then G 
(1) hasn't said it, ( 
much of it or (3) ha id it very well. 
It was ап admittedly nifty idea to have 
the author of The Friends of Eddie Coyle 
write about the political crime of the 
century and call it The Friends of Richord 
Nixon (Atlantic) Bur those nifty idea 
have an unfortunate tendency to brea 
down under duress. Higgi ble 
10 use his skills either as а novelist (we 
knew how it was going to end) or as 

writer of some of the best dialog around 
(we all ге; 
left to 
torney 
want Higgins prosecuting уо; 
is about the only clear lesson 
carry away from 


orge Higgins 
sn't said very 


scripts): so he was 
s а Federal at 


ig to Higgi 
some of the bad guys were worse thin we 
thought and others weren't so bad. Oh, 
yes, Н is clearly would e loved 


trying this case. Too bad he didn’t; he'd 
ve done a good job and we'd have been 


d this book. 


. 

Next time you're down in the dumps, 
try The Bathroom (Viking), by Alexander 
Kira i з an easy target for 
is. but it’s a fine specimen of 
delightful. fact-filled study of 
our most useful living space—and all 
that it stands lor. The first edi- 
tion made a splash in 1966, but this up 
date is a new, expanded version full of 
humor, erudition and practical advice. 
You get history ("James | of England 
is said to have regularly and splendidly 
beshat himsel in the saddle, since he 
refused to pause in the hun”). You get 
sociology ("The Frenchman washes his 
hands before urinating, the Englishm; 
after”). But most of all, you get h 
information on how to wash, souk, ri 
nd eliminate waste from your 
- Sinks should accommodate arms and 
elbows. tubs should have seats, toilets 
should be redesigned to put more we 
onto your feet, men’s urinals should be 
deepened to do away with the “back 
splash factor.” This book could stam a 
whole new movement. 


T here is still no better gift than a book. 
Trust us and take a look at these last- 
minute holiday shopping suggestions: 

We hope you'll understand if we start 
from the pages of pLaysov. We published 
portions of several good books this past 
year and we especially recommend: A 
Month of Sundays (Knopf), by John Updike; 
Flashman in the Great Gome (Knopf), by 
George MacDonald Fraser; The Fight (Lit- 
ue, Brown), by Norman M 
(Grosset & Dunlap), wi 
Jones and n of outstanding art 
{тош the period chosen by graphics 
tor Art We nd the gossipy Conver- 
sotions with Kennedy (W. W. Norton), by 
Ben Bradlee. 

A lot of other good stuff was published 
in 1975. Two class entries, Ragtime (Ran- 
dom House), by E. L. Doctorow, and 
Looking for Mr. Goodbar (Simon & Schuster), 
by Judith Rossner, have been wading the 
number-one and -two spots on all the best- 
seller lists. Don't wait for them to be 
made into movies; buy them now. It was 
a premium year for biog such 
George Sand (Houghton Mifflin), by Curtis 
Cate. Sand spent nine years with Chopin. 
whom she met through her friend Franz 
Liszt. That alone should be enough for 
one life, right? Wrong, Balzac. Flaubert 
and Turgenev were alo counted among 
her friends. And е interested in 
contemporary women knows this has been 
journalist Nora Ephron’s year. In her col- 
lection Crezy Salad: Some Things About Women 
(Knopf), she tackles everything, inclu 
her own breasts. 

If you're shopping for friends who have 
special interests. we have loads of ideas. 
For music lovers. there is Musical Stages: An 
Avtobiogrophy (Random House), by Richard 
Rodgers. Then for the red-neck in your 
life, we prescribe Honkytonk Heroes: A Photo 
Album of Country Music (Harper & Row). 
words by Peter McCabe, photos by Rae 


Rubenstein. For your fa- 
vorite nostalgia freak, 
Old Sheet Music: A 
foriol History (Haw 

thorn), by Marian 
nkin, traces the 
development of cover 
design from the lute 
Century through 
nel right on to 
sent. A Toste of 
andom House). by 


the pi 


It. classifies 
nes of the world by the 
only characteristic that really mat- 
ters—taste, Farrar, Straus & Giroux is 
offering Brew It Yourself: A Complete Guide 
4o the Making of Wine, Beer, Liqueurs & Soft 
Drinks, which, even after you've shelled 
out its $8.95 price, is still a practical gilt 
for this vintage inflation year. For the 
movie buff on your list, critic Walter Kerr 
has collected more than 400 pictures to 
embellish The Silent Clowns (Knopf). his 
affectionate tribute. to the silentscreen 
stars. And although Life maga 1 
ivs not forgotten. by us. Its Christmas 
present, Life Goes to the Movies (Time-Life). 
is filled with hundreds of pictures of ab- 
solutely everybody in the movies. 

Under that old reliable heading "much, 
much more,” we suggest a group of books 
anyone would love to receive. Cheap СІ 
(Harmony) by Caterine Milinaire and 
Carol Troy. is a collection of money- 
saving ways to creare your own great 
look—whether you're a man or a wom- 
an—from two women who are plugged 
in to what's trendy. And once you look 
тіріп. The Poor Mon’s Guide to Trivia Collecting 
(Doubleday) illustrates to do the 
same for your walls and tables at home. 
Viking is bringing out The New Yorker 
Album of Drawings 1925-1975 for all those 
people who forgot to save their favorite 
old New Yorker cartoons; Сату Trudeau 
has gathered a collection of. Doonesbury 
comic strips im The Doonesbury Chronicles 
(Holt, Rinehart & Winston): Edward 
Gorey, in Amphigorey Too (Putnam), pre 
sents his devorees with a second volume of 
his special weird little stories and line 
drawings: and Knopf ollers us what 
has to be oue of the best cookbooks, From 
Julio Child's Kitchen. And, of course, there's 
the Bicentennial. Most of what's being 
published to honor America’s birthday is 
to be passed up, but Hometown USA (Simon 
& Schuster), a collection of summing pho- 
tography. with text by Stephen W. Sears 
and the editors of American Heritage, 


PLAYROY if we 
last. This past 
s best was previewed for our readers 
in Odober. Now you сап buy the most 
incredibly sexy book of photos you are 
likely to see in a long time: Sappho, the 
Women (Chelsea House), by 
k Smith. 


The Chivas Regal of Scores 


12 YEARS OLD WORLDWIDE - BLENDED SCOTCH + 86 PROOF - GENERAL WINE & SPIRITS CO., NEW YORI 


PLAYBOY 


MOVIES 


пе of the major disappointments of 
the movie season, Royal Flash is a let- 


down because audienceshad every reason to 
expect a lot from the first screen treatment 
of George MacDonald Fraser's Flashman 
novels (the newest of which was previewed 
in rLAYBOYS September, October and 
November issues). Adapted by Fraser him- 
self for rd Lester, with 
whom he had scored with the ribald and 
rollicking Three and Four Musketeers, 
Royal Flash has gone wildly off target in 
countless ways. Miscasting is the real p 
lem, and a bit of 
might have made a dilference—since Alan 
ks through a thankless role 
in, seems a far better candi- 
date than Malcolm McDowell to play the 
пу. cocksure, flamboyantly unprin- 
cipled Captain Harry Flashman. Although 
a good actor in his usual contemporary 
milieu, McDowell lacks both maturity and 
style and makes Flashman's boldest de- 
bauches look like mere schoolboy mi 
chief. In sum, he’s meagerly fitted to fill 
the boots of a hero whose exploits here 
were dedicated by the author to such 
swashbucklers às Errol Flynn, Basil Rath- 
bone, Ronald Colman and Douglas F 
banks, Jr. The plot, for the benefit of 
those who have yet to d Fras 
akes Flashman to Bava mad 
s mistress, Montez, 


Lola 
asks him to impersonate a local noble- 


man who cannot go through with his im- 
pending marriage. “The crown prince 
has a dose of clap," says one wily con- 


spirator. Britt Ekland is a fetching bride- 
to-be, Florind Bolkan a gloriously 
womanly Lola—though she, too, appears 


to be playing for real what ought to be 
played as rowdy early Victorian fun. Only 
Oliver Reed, as a pompous Count Otto 
von Bismarck, catches the improper sj 


Audiences had every reason 
to expect a lot from 
the first screen treatment 
of George MacDonald Fraser's 
Flashman novels. 


of the piece. Perhaps with a cue from the 
mock-Wagnerian Sturm und Drang on 
the sound wack, nearly everyone celse 
seems to spend tremendous energy trans- 
forming a lightweight period spoof into 
stale pumpernickel. 

. 

Don't let the wordy title deter you 
from а hot-blooded and ferocious It 
drama called Swept Away by an Unusual 
Destiny in the Blue Sea of August (Swept 
Away . . . for short). Writer-director Lina 
Wertmuller, Italy's foremost female film 
maker, mixed social satire with sex 
politics in Love and Anarchy and The 8 
duction of Mimi. She has an even headier 
blend of the same elements in Swept 
Away ..., using Mimi's illustrious co- 

iancarlo С ngela 
to—the most electric team of screen 
champions since Marcello Mastroianni 
met Sophia Loren. Melato plays a 
bleached-blonde rich bitch aboard a hired 
yacht who amuses herself by humi 
Communist deck hand (Giannini) with re- 
marks about his politics. his body odor and 
his antediluvian notions of women's 
“The female is an object of pl 
amusement for the worker," he grumbles. 
The tables are turned when ill- 
matched pair gets lost at se: 
ble rubber dinghy, beaching on 


desol 
sun-swept island where questions of sur- 


vival soon evolve into a pitched battle of 


Flashman finds Bismarck na red herring and a rival is—curses!—foiled again by Lola Montez. 


the sexes. It's the story of the Communist 
and the Lady, with milady getting the 
worst of it and realizing she likes it better 
than anything she’s ever had. Her left- 
p Adam beats her, makes her grove 
finally has her almost literally eating out of 
his hand. "Sodomize mc." she murmurs, 
and fashions a garland of wildflowers to 
decorate his groin, cagerly submitting to a 
man who makes her feel 
been raped by the Turks.” Wert 
brand of sexual politics may not stand up 
under close analysis, but as a twoonai 
nd sex fantasy, it is an instant classi 
grotesquely funny, corrosive and erotic, 
played with a shrewd eye for the 
agery that lurks behind the masks worn 
by civilized men and women in times of 
uncasy truce. 


Lisztomania opens with Franz Liszt (Rog- 
er Daltrey of Tommy fame) bobbing 
upon the breasts of Countess N 


IGE TEE mê cade 1i E 
ler's ARR шы a half 
century after the death of. Liszt where 
a Frankenstein monster. symbolizing the 
totalitarian music of Richard V 
law) is destroyed in Hames 
ıd company. Connecting all this 


vant but rather charming Chaplinesque 
dream sequence and other brain storms 
that might logically be lumped together 
as Ru i ector Ken Rus 
t it again (a pictorial preview of 
extravagance appeared in 
Inst October's PLAY nov), and the one-man 
Wild Bunch of world а has distilled 
the life of Liszt into a montage of 
glittering rubbish that outdocs even 
Tommy lor audacious overstatement, Rus- 
sells recent works are the movie equivalent 


A lot of people are nuts about beautiful 
music but don't know beans about stereo 
equipment. 

Help has arrived. 

For everyone who's ever been bewitched, 
bothered,and bewildered by stereo components, 
Sony has created the SHP-70. A new system 
designed especially to eliminate the confusion, 
even sheer terror that befalls many an innocent 
component shopper. 

The SHP-70 is a bewitching new stereo com- 
ponent package that comes minus the bother, 
the bewilder, and the awesome price tag. 

The package includes (here come the nuts 


© 1975 Бозу Corporation of America, SONY ls a trademark of the Sony Corporation, 


and bolts) a fine BSR 3-speed auto/manual 
turntable complete with a Shure M-75 magnetic 
cartridge and a smoked plastic dust cover. 
Plus anti-skating compensation and a cueing 
lever so you don't wreak havoc with your 
record collection. 

Then you get the sound (and the fury, if you 
wish) of two 2-way acousticsuspension speakers. 

Finally, a sensitive and selective FM Stereo/ 
FM/AM receiver that locks in weak signals 
and minimizes station interference. 

The new Sony SHP-70. 

At the price, it’s enough to make a whole lot 
of people absolutely nuts about stereo. 


BECOME 
ASTEREO NUT. 


FOR PRACTICALLY PEANUTS. 


Ў 
= 


| 


PLAYBOY 


32 


t. though Daltrey in the title role 
presence more 
than worthy of the parts he's given—and 
the fair Fiona is effective, too, leading a ros- 
ter of Liszt Indies who dig the classics the 
y today's groupies dig a Rolling Stone. 
б 
After making it to the top of the heap 
in one giant step with Lady Sings the 
Blues, Diana Ros puts her superstar 
us to the acid test in Mahogany. Direc 
tor Berry Gordy and scenarist John Ву 
rum have got Ross buried alive under 
gobs of pseudo chic and soap opera as a 
poor litle black girl from a Chicago 
ghetto—an overachiever who gives up her 
people and her politically c old 
man (handsomely played by Billy Dee 
Williams, Ross's costar in Lady) to 
become an internationally famous fash 
ion model, the toast of. Rome. An ador 
ing but impotent photographer (Anthony 
kes her a legend and 
European aristocrat (Jean-Pierre Au 
mont) finances her new career as 


hante couture designer. Still, she ain't 
happy. "Listen, baby,” Will tells 
her during one of their frequent. ас 


tempts to decide which should have pri- 
"cy or 


matched se 
“success is noth without some 
love to share it with.” Each reunion is or 
» throbbing romantic mood 
music that makes the Love Story theme 
ad cynical while Mahogany’s dialog 
consists almost entirely of pearls from 
anniversary edition of favorite movie 


ority—m 


E 


Diana Ross: buried alive in Mohogany. 


dichés. "It doesn't matter, Sean,” she 
whispers when the photographer gets her 
to bed but can do nothing that would 
endanger the movie's PG rating. Accord 
ing to the film credits, the funky-clegant, 
god-awful costumes were designed by Di 
ana herself. Mahogany may be this sea 
ne example of the risks incurred 
star rises so fast and so far that 
she can write her own ticket but doesn't 
know where the hell 10 go. 


HOT STUFF 


Т' ров of porno 


chic in France partly cx- 
plains the mad success, over 
there, of Exhibitien—a suc- 
cess echoed over here, 
зок 

documentary 


about the on- and offscrcen 
Ше of a Parisian porn 
queen became the first un- 
abashed sex movie ever to 
be billed as à main attrac- 
tion at the cool, cultish 
New York Film Festival. 
"The public wants fuck 
scenes,” declares Claudine 
Beccarie, a slender 30-year- 
old brunette who may be 
Francés answer to Linda 
Lovelace, though she gen- 
erally appears to take much 
less pleasure in her work 
than Linda did. Mille. Bec 
ca те prostitute. 
ad reformschool alumna 
(unjustly put away after an 
uncle raped her when she 


dore arena has become 

open secret since he made 
Private Afternoons of Pam- 
ela Mann and Naked Came 
Ihe Stranger under the nom 
de film Henry Paris. Metz- 
ger’s The Image, n 
but bear 
a reason 


ply faithful. ultra- 
erotic adaptation of. L'Im- 
аре. a French sex novel 
written pseudonymously by 
one Jean de Berg. who р 
sumably bore some literary 
kinship to Story of O's mys- 
terious author, Pauline 
Réage. (Since cuts may 
be made by exhibitors in the 
hard-core version of The 
Image, porno purists might 


be wise to inquire whether 
theaters are showing the 
lewder or the dered 


print.) Devotees of 
ochistic bondage trips—in 
their closcts— 


or out of 


chains and swiftly s 


was scarcely into her teens), i mit to 
mente T race The Image. И anything, 
while she pays a visit to her lips, nipples, Metzger improves on the 
strolls in the park tongues and book by deepening and 

h a lover ten years her Genitelial loom broadening even its most 
junior (he taught her the explicit sequences—with 


s of vaginal orgasm, she 
sists) and performs in 
hard-core sequences with a 


jo 


stecly-eved professionalism E е struggle betwe 
that could prolong the so- Sn ana domin 
called impotence boom. gets under way. not-so-innocent sl. 


You're a real turnoff,” she 
snaps at one nonplused 

male partner whose sweating 

annoys her, then confides to the director, 
“He means les to me than that. door. 
One rapturous French critic saluted E: 
hibition as “a sexual cordon bleu." but 
у connoisseur of the real thing will 
quickly detect that what's happening here 
is not sex but sociology. Still, director 
Davy—like some of the pure pornog- 
raphers whom his femme star dismisses 
with contempt—trics to have it both ways 
by stressing the serious aims of Exhibition 
while shrewdly including more fuck-and- 
suck footage Шап this poruait of a lady 
requires, Although too talky and attenu- 
ated at times, the film comb 
of open-mindedness and sympathy with 
some of the freaky human interest of 
Screw. interview. Certainly the 
been anything quite like it on the limited 
horizons of hard-core. 

. 

rd-core moviemakers are still 
g erotic cinema up to the 
script, performance and aesthetic level 
of so-called straight films. One of the 
most successful, of course, is writer-direc- 
tor Radley Metzger, whose entry into the 


like a kind of 


pornographic 1 
Mount Rushmore 


meticulousphotography, sty. 
ic cool and a fine sense 
of the kinky sexual power 


film's enticing cast is led by 

Carl Parker—a top male 

model, best known as the 
supermacho male chauvinist in that Silva 
Thins tele Opposite 
Parker are stage actresses Marilyn Rob 
erts, as the cruel Claire, and Mary Men- 
dum. as the submissive Anne (to warm 
up for being chained, publicly humili- 
ated, pricked with rose thorns or hot 
needles in Image, Mendum portrayed the 
wife in Broadway's original Lenny). Much 
of the flesh flailing practiced by the trio 
looks unnervingly real and, according to 
inside reports, often was. 

. 

icity is never in doubt іп 
the films "ard Damiano (Deep 
Throat, The Devil in Miss Jones, ct al), 
ery of Jeanne ollers some artful, 


sion commercial. 


ical hard-core close-ups that bring a 
ension to porno chic. F 
d perhaps even homier—ıh; 
performers’ lips, nipples, tongues and 
loom like a kind of pornograph- 
ic Mount Rushmore once Joanna gets 
under way. The story is the sort of porno- 
gothic tale Damiano seems to prefer since 
his post-Throat emergence as the dean 
of quality hard-core. It's sheer melodrama 


со exotic young creature 
(played by Terri Hall, a stunningly 


constructed former ballet dancer and rela- 


erning 


tive newcomer to sexpix) who becomes the 
indentured sexual slive of a suave, ter- 
minally ill millionaire (Jamie Gillis) with 
a marked flair for sadistic games. His plan, 
see, is that the girl will ultimately kill him 
in a fit of thwarted passion. Whatever the 
plot may lack, Joanna makes up in un 
zippered physical intensity. “Every hole I 
have has been used . .. what's your special- 
ty?” Joanna demands of a faithful butler 
(Zebedy Colt) whose unique services in 
clude massage. 


ge, pubic shaves and giving 
head to his master. Sadomasochism ap 
pears to be the coming thing on the 
trendy porno circuit, and Damiano. plays 

ong with а richly photographed fantasy 
set to classical-music themes, He may ped 


dle the same old tits and ass. but he gives 


"em first class pack 


Bew 
Moots Miss Jones, Both La Lovelace and 
Miss Jones (Georgina Spelvin) арр 
advertised, but not — together—and 


of a trickily titled Lovelace 


Linda's goldenshower sequence (she 


and a girl sex partner are urinated upon 
by their male companion) looks like a 


piece of -millimeter mail-order 


smut salvaged from God knows where 
The framework for all this dated, grainy 


porno footage is the old wheeze about 


a TV repairman (Harry Reems. spelled 
Rheems for the occasion) who comes 
to fix the tube but instead shows sexy 
video cassettes 10 the lady of the house 
Harry and Georgina, as well as porno 
regular Darby Lloyd Rains. get to 
gether for the inevitable group grope— 
every inch of it depressingly grim. 
. 

Imported. from the. Netherlands, with 
American-born Brigitte Maier as its star 
Sensations is the best bet of all for out 


right voyeurs whose criteria for a sex 
movie begin with beautiful girls and. ро 
tent males and end with an orgy. Writer 
producerdirector Alberto — Ferro—the 
man behind Lasse Braun films, hercto- 
fore famous for short, bawdy stag reels 
and one soso feature called French 
Blue—has finally got it together in а 
plotless but sensually pulsating sextrava- 
ganza about a day in the life of a Min- 
nevota girl visiting swinging Amsterdam 
Brigitte. irresistible and photogenic right 
up to the space between her front teeth, 
looks more like the available girl next 
door than a reigning porn queen— 
ihough her air of interesting. innocence 
merely hypes the appeal of a half-dozen 
other Sensations starlets with fine figures, 
suluy voices and vices ro match, The 
musical score alone offers а simultaneous 
tune-up and turn-on, 


ZI'color reproduction ol he Wild Turkey painting by Ken Davies. send SI 10 Bo» 929- PB-L, Wall SI Sta . N Y 10005 


Wild Turkey Lore: 


In 1776 Benjamin Franklin 
proposed that the Wild В 
Turkey be adopted as the | 
symbol of our country. 

The eagle was chosen 
instead. 

The Wild Turkey 
later went on to 
become the symbol of 
our country’s finest 
Bourbon. 


WILD TURKEY/ 101 PROOF/8 YEARS OLD. 


‘Austin Nichols Distilling Co., Lawrenceburg, Kentucky, 


33 


PLAYBOY 


34 


RECORDINGS 


or a really enjoyable English hard- 
F rock album, try Nightingeles and Bombers. 
(Bronze), by Manfred Mann and his 
Earth Band. The material—including 
Bruce Springsteen's Spirit in the Night, 
Joan Armanrading's Visionary Mountains 
and Dylans Quit Your Low Down 
Ways—is plenty tough and the band 
puis it all across with electric sounds 
that are always in harness. never in the 
driver's seat. And there's just enough 
experimentation with rhythm—as on the 
group's own Time Is Right, which, as it 
happens, is in tendour time—to keep 
the music at a relatively high level of 
interest, 


. 
Déjà vu is the sense of having gone 
through this before: double déjà vu is 


the sense of having been through this 


twice before—and that was the feeling 
we had listening to Linda Бона 
Prisoner in Disguise (Asylum). Track for 


rs the same as her last two out- 
Heart Like a Wheel and Don't Cry 
Now. Producer Peter Asher has chosen 
not to tamper with the formula that 
cared Ronstadt the title of most prom 
ising female country-music performer in 
1975, and that is unfortunate. Repeat 
a promise is not the same as keeping i 
Our main complaint comes Irom the 
overuse of material by John David Sou 
ther, Lowell George. Neil Young—the sti 
ble of cynicalchic California songwriters 
whose vocabulary consists of words like 
disguise, refuge. pride, deceive, etc. (Do 
we need a female interpreter of Neil 
Young? Do we need a Neil Young to in- 
terpret Neil You 
that consists almost entirely of razor-blade 


track 
ings 


With a repertoire 


heartbreak хон it's no wonder Ronstadt 
сап go through a whole concert without 


smili: 


. 
1 ye 
James Brown gives solid evidence 
latest that he 
getting younger all The title 
of the LP is a sentence unto itself: Every- 
body's Doing the Hustle and Dead on the 
Double Bump. Don't be put off by the jar- 
James is just trying to capitalize 
on the current disco craze, which is (1) 
smart and (2) ironic, in view of the 
fact that he more or less invented. mod. 
ern dance music when he came out with 
Papa's Got a Brand New Bag in 1965. 
That ume is redone here, along with 
Kansas City. and the new versions are 
fine. But the real gems on the LP— 
which is encumbered neither ру |.В2% 
rampant ego пог by the superserious 
themes of some recent eflorts—are the first 
two cuts on side two. Superbad, Super- 
slick and Calm & Cool present the “God- 
father of soul" in a relaxed mood, singing 


Now in his 2 
artist 


as a recording 


on his Polydor album 


the time 


Producer Peter Asher has 
chosen not to tamper with 
the formula that earned 
Linda Ronstadt the title 
of most promising female country- 
music performer in 1975, 
and that is unfortunate. 


easily over the usual rock-solid beat. 
There's lots of down-home guitar, some 
spaceage clavinet, great trombone solos 
by Fred Wesley. some unaccustomed 
vocal and woodwind sounds in the back- 
ground, just enough ol J.B^s street- 
comer homilies—and lots of space. Put 
it on and watch Ше music dance across 
the room. 


. 

Now that Bob Marley and the Wailers 
have finally made these shores safe for 
the real reggae. here comes another island 
band that's sure to knock a few folks on 
their buttocks. Toots and the 
Maytals, who. on Funky Kingston (Island, 
of come). Car- 


We meat 


nleash a really toug 


ibbean beatis heavier than the 
Wailers—topped by the leader's Ray 
Charlesian vocals, with some nice Gospel 


harmonies in between 

While Toots and his backup musi- 
cians—the horns are provided by a group 
called Sons of the Jungle—are as funky 
and wild and deep a group as you could 
ask for, reggae сап be studio slick and 
still move vou. All the proof you need is 
in Jimmy Cliff's Follow My Mind (Re- 
prise). which is. simply, one of the best 
albums by a male R&B soloist since Sam 


Cooke's Night Beat. M you know what that 
means. you ll follow your own mind right 
down to the nearest record store. CIS 


re serious without being draggy: 
they sound necessary at all times, and һе 
delivers them in a pure tenor that will 


give you chills. 
. 
Ir's easy to dislike John Denver's sing- 


ing—if you con't mà to ignore it. 


And his lyrics seem to be the offspring 
of some unspeakable congress "twixt the 
muses of Kalil Gibran and Rod Mc- 
Kuen, wearing ten-gallon hats. Windsong 
(RCA) is Denver's latest long-winded col- 
lection of pompous pontifications on his 
time proved themes: Thank God Гуе Dis- 
covered. Wyoming: Please Don't Mistreat 
the Animals: in General Is Very 
Nice: and Blonds Really Do Have More 
Fun. Side A of thc dust sleeve includes 
all of the groovy words, while side B is a 


full-color photo of John riding a groovy 
horse in the nice mountains. Give Wind- 
song the breeze. 
. 

her Sauerfield has been touted as 
one of the best new jazz singers to sur- 
face in а while, and her initial effort— 
Once I Loved (AKM)—leaives no doubt as to 
the beauty of her voice or the sincerity of 
her nobullshit style. The arrangements 
of Chuck Mangione—with whose group 
she's been singing ol late. 
mendably simple. But there's not too 
much jazz here. And we wonder: Why 
saddle Satterfield with such war horses 
as Lift Every Voice and Sing, You Are 


are also com- 


Presenting Long Johns: 
One size fits all. 


4 120s 


Ifyou think that 120 mm is too 
far for flavor to travel in a cigarette, 
Long Johns will change your mind. 

Light one up. Ahhh, love at 
first puff. 

And there are plenty of extra 
puffs where that came from. 

Extra puffs. 

But, the same price as 1005. 


l .. 20308 _ 
AUB N 
LONG LONG 
JOHNS JOHNS 


É | „MENTHOL 
8 5 
8 3 
А 5 
& 
Get into Long Johns. They'll suit you. 


Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined | 


That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. | en 


Menthol: 19 mg. "tar. 1.6 mg. nicotine: av. per cigarette by FIC method. 


PLAYBOY 


36 


the Sunshine of My Life and Summer- 
time? She does make them all worth 
hearing one more time—and Summer- 
time is the only real scorcher on the set 
But there are plenty of great tunes that 
don't get exposure and we'd sure like to 
hear her sing a few 

. 


Leon Redbone has established himself 
as a man of mystery on the 
music scene. He seemed to pop out of the 
ground, or at least out of the Toronto 
subway, with a vast repertoire of old 
songs. Leon is into music from the Tw 
ties, Thirties and Forties—everything 
hom Jimmie Rodgers to Irving Berli 
He croons in an easy, 
which mes 
the general area of a low nore, and he 
enunciates like a man who left his den- 
tures in a glass on the dresser. 

But ole Leon is а lovable guy and his 
casual style is engaging. His latest—On 
the Track (Warner Bros), on which he's 
backed by 16 musicians, among them the 
great jazz fiddler Joe Venuti—includes 
such chestnuts Ain't Misbehavin’ 
Lazybones and Lulu’s Back in Town, 
and it's impossible to listen to it without 
getting happy. Leon shouldn't have tried 
to sing Marie, but his Ain't Misbehavin’ 
and My Walking Stick—a Berlin tune— 
are beautiful, and Lulu is a gem. Buy the 
album and get Joose, and be sure to check 
out the cover. It features what is beyond 
doubt the finest drawing of a dancing 
frog we have ever seen. 

. 

IE you went to high school in the ЕН- 
ties, chances are that you heard the Bill 
Black Combo on the radio of some funky 
old car as you geuing the [eel 
of a chick for the first time, Well, the 
car is long gone, so is the girl —and Bill 
Black (who was the bass pli 
Presley's first records) is gone, 100. 


Canadian 


resonant baritone, 
atislied to land in 


som 


were 


ст on Elvis 
But 
deserved ob- 


the combo lives on in u 


scuri deserved because no othe 


group has ever combined country music, 
rock and blues with the simple, down- 
home authority 
last two Hi albums. The new oi 
World's Greatest Honky-Tonk Band, is mostly 
CEW, with Bob Tucker's fiddle leadi 
the way on Orange Blossom Special, Car- 
roll County Blues and other time-tested 
bre; Мо get a couple of blues 
crawlers in the deliberate Memphis style 
only regret—Beer Barrel 
Polka. (The blues numbers, by the way 
sure expose а lot of other white bands 
that are hyped as blues groups but 
imply can't play the blues) A slightly 
lier release, Solid & Country, is, despite 
the title, les country and more rock 
oriented. Both LPs are mixtures of time- 
les music with a few anachronistic 
touches that will take you back to the 
seminal back scat of that primeval Chevy. 


ve shown on their 
e, The 


kdowns: you 


and—our 


HOLIDAY 
RECO 
RACK 


he holidays are that time of year 


when you occasionally hate yourself 
for thinking that the gift you're giving 
someone would be put to much better use 
in your own hands. And nowhere is that 
more apparent than with recordings, But 
don't be embarrassed by those selfish in- 
stinas: The more it hurts to give it awa 
the bener the gilt. and you сап always 
buy two and keep one for yourself. 

For us. the biggest and best classical 
package by far is London's nine-LP of- 
fering of Sir Georg Soli and that ic 
music the Chicago Symphony 
performing Beethoven's Nine 


machinc 


Symphor 
This album should stand for some time 
as the Rosett: 
done. If 


stone of how it should be 

you loved Solti. 
ay and rhe complete 
» bonkers over Beethover 

Although it can't match the Soli, 
RC A's Rubinstein/Ten Great Piano Concertos, 
ngle-package wrap-up. is definitely 
ау fare. The concertos 
take in Mozart's 21st, Beethoven's Filth, 
Tchaikovsky's First and Brahms's Second, 
and the supporting cast includes Eugene 
Ormandy and the Philadelphia Orchestra, 
Fritz Reiner and the Chicago Symphony 
and Erich Leinsdorf and the Boston Sym- 
phony. Artur Rubinstein is an ageless 
wonder. His output over the years h 
been phenomenal, as Ibum will 
attest 

Opera lovers should be yelling 
vo!" over Angel's three-LP release of 
Giuseppe Verdi's Aide. АП the shouting 
will be about the singing of Montserrat 
pall and Placido Domingo, who, a 
Two on the Nile, inluse new lile into 
this operatic work horse, Riccardo. Ми 
conducts the New Philharmonia Orchestra 
and the Chorus of the Royal Oper 
House, Covent and its all 
superlative. 

Spoken-word aficionados, Т. R. R. Tol- 
kien freaks and actor Nicol Williamson's 
rowing legion of followers should cer- 
tainly dig The Hobbit (Argo), four LPs 
filled with readings from the now-classic 
work. Williamson's marvelous acting skill 
might even. make some converts among 
those few who have never clasped Tok 
kien's wonderful creatures to their breasts. 


the Chicago 
Mahler, 


this 


“Bra 


to get Tol- 
middle- 
re are a couple 
of Caedmon recordings 
of the author reading— 
gi -material 
1 The Hobbit and the 
Fellowship of the Ring and 
The Lord of the Rings. 

For jazz bulls, the pickings 
are really good, starting with the 
Blue Note reissues, which came 
out in two ches. The first, 

with the albums simply bearing 
the artists’ names, featured some of 
the best cuts on record by Dexter Gor- 
don. Jimmy Smith, Sonny Rollins, Chick 

Corea, Herbie Hancock, Stanley Turren- 

tine, Freddie Hubbard and the Thad 

Jones/Mel Lewis band. For somebody 

who's already got all that ми, there's 

the second and more esoteric wave of 

Blue Notes: The Aladdin Sessions, by the 

incomparable Lester Young; In Transition, 

a collection of carly sides by Cecil Taylor, 

yet 10 be appre- 

m Rivers, another 

t of too little 

ds Paul Cham- 

ıe (remember 

the studio with folks e 

Horace Silver, Philly Joe Jones and 

Kenny Burrell; Jacknife, with previously 

unreleased material by hard-bopping alto- 

ist Jackie McLean: One for One, by | 
ist composer Andrew Hill. with a st 
quartet and such stellar. side-kicks 

Henderson and Freddie Hubbard 

Pacific Standard Time, a collection of carly 

Gil Evans sides—now, t urea 

i Cannonball Adderley and Art 

Blakey a the players. 

A formidable collection, indeed, is 

Block Giants (Columbia), which gives you 


real stature has 


whose 


Involution, by 5: 
ntgarde mu 
High Step, which fi 
and John Coltra 


bers 
them?) in 


les worth of (mostly) history- 
selections by Silver. Blakey. 
Arr Coleman Hawkins, 


iles Dav Mingus, Duke 
Count Bi Quincy Jones, 
john Lewis. J. J. Johnson, Erroll Ga 
пег, Art Tatum, Thelonious Monk and 
Ramsey Lewis. 

Other entries from Columbia. indude 
The World of Duke Ellington Vol. 2, with 
Snibor, Creole Love Call. Love You Mad- 
ly and 17 other gems; The World of Swing, 
with 20 toe-tappers by Chick Webb, 
Fletcher Henderson. Benny Canter, et al 
Luis Russell and His Louisiana Swing Orchestra, 
featuring the Harlem | the 
‘Twenties and Thirties, with such support- 
ng talent as J- C. Higginbotham and Red 
Allen. For Gamer fins, there's also Play 
It Again, Errollt, which encores the pixy 
pi s versions of Honeysuckle Rose, 
Summertime, Am 1 Blue, Love for Sale 
and 17 other standards. 

Impresario Norman Granz's The Tetum 
Group Masterpieces (Pablo) picks up where 
The Tatum Solo Masterpieces (see our 
review in Playboy After Hours, May 


I3 


по star ol 


1975) left off. This time around. 
are eight LPs, recorded betwee: 
1956 and featuring Art Tatum in the 
company ol such jazz lum 
Lionel Hampton, Buddy Rich, Benny 
ter, Louis Bellson, Roy Eldridge, 
Buddy De Franco and Ben Webster. For 
our money. the two sides with Webster 
ane worth the price of the album. 

Well so much for highbrow stuff. 
More American Graffiti (MCA) contains 25 
greasy classics by Bill Haley, Buddy 
Holly le Ri d, et al, with intros 
by Wolfman Jack (not before every 
cut, though, thank God). 

And are you ready to hear The Doors 
again? Weird Scenes Inside the Gold Mine 
(Elektra) contains The End, When the 
Music's Over, Strange Days, Break оп 
and 18 others by the late Jim 
nd company. Light My Fire 
cluded and, come to think of it, 
that's proba 

Another kira reissue of note is 
Golden Bunter, which gives 18 cuts—mostly 
ed blues but with folk, rock and 
‚ too—by the old 1 Butterfield 
with Mike Bloomfi ad Elvin 
Bishop in the cast 

For real hard-rock fans. there’ 
(Columbia). four sides of new stuff. re- 
corded live in London by Alvin Lee & Co. 

Surl-music dichards can теу up once 
more with Jan & Dean's old hits on бола 
Take That One Last Ride (United Artists). 

For standard АМ country.and-western 
twangers, one could do worse than 
Country .45's (Epic), with 20 hits by Tam- 
my Wyneue, ic Rich, George Jones, 
Tanya Tucker and other 
y purists, meanwhile, will 
doubtless drool over Feast Here Tonight 
(Bluebird)—32 bluegrass burners by the 
Monroe Brothers, Charlie and Bill. The 
Bluebird libel, by the way. made quite a 
bit of history itself in the Thirties, 
more of it—in a variety of musical (and 
ethnic) categories—is ated on The 
Father Jumps, by Earl Hine: 
tra; Chicago Breakdown, [catu 
blues of pianist-singer Big Maceo; and 
Blue Orchids, 1 collection of old pop 
tunes—Deep Purple, Is the Talk of the 
Town, etc—sung by the Іше crooner 
Dick Todd. 

A friend of ours who used to play 
uumpet with Freddie King will tell you 
«edly that the Bonzo Dog Band 
greatest rock group of all. We're 
not surc about his head, but we do 
know that The History of the Bonzos (United 
Artists) is a thousand laughs, what with 
Can Blue Men Sing the White, Labio 
Dental Fricative, Noises for the Leg, 
My Pink Half of the Drainpipe, King 
of Seurf and 30 other maniacal selections 
from the mid-Sixties. And when all is 
said and done—certainly when all else 
has been listened to—maybe the Bonzos 


are where it's at. 


а smart move: 


was 


concerned with your 
automobiles MPG 
(miles per gallon) 
thanits MPH 
(miles per hour). # 


-..because last night уо! 
took your wife outside 
and hada snowball 
fight. And you made | 
her giggle like 


you used to. 


you're more 


(EDINBURGH) 


BLENDED SCOTCH : 


You’ve earned 


because you chose your 
Scotch for value. 


And the Scotch you chose 


was the one that started 


_ all the others on the 


ig! 
Spotch. With an original 
light price tag. 
her's. We earned our 
stripe in 1853. 


1974. 


8 
Е 
Н 


80 or 86 Proof 


37 


PLAYBOY 


38 


The component look. 
By design. 


Rather than adapt one transport design to fit another need, we 
produced a completely new, highly streamlined mechanism. From the 
inside out. It's called the A-400. 

Twin rotary levers control the transport functionswith smooth, 
positive cam action. Which means unnecessary mechanical linkages 
have been eliminated. You get peace of mind instead, because fewer 
moving parts assure greater reliability and long term dependability. 

Since the cassette loads vertically into the A-400, the adverse effect 
of gravity on the cassette package itself is eliminated. So tape jams 
are prevented and smooth, even tape packs are predictable. 

If new design concepts superbly executed appeal to you, put an A-400 
through its paces. Just call (800) 447-4700" toll free for the name and 
location of your nearest TEAC retailer. You'll find that the A-400 delivers 
definitive TEAC performance with the added convenience of a front load 
component. АП by design. "In Illinois, call (800) 322-4400. 


A-4100 


THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 


v girlfriend and I have been getting 
it on for three years now. We've always 
enjoyed ourselves; but lately, Гуе become 
aware of a growing problem, She has 
started to leave out a Large part of love- 
making—the . She can't get 
enough of sex, but sometimes she treats 
nstant food. As soc 


forc] 


as she notices 
1 Em aroused, it’s time to climb on 
board, I've tried to handle this problem 
myself, with little success. WI should I 
do?—W. K., Cincinnati, Ohio. 

Is a familiar problem: You can get 
all the sex you need but seldom the atten- 
tion. Foreplay has traditionally been the 
time when partners savor cach other, 
while saving the inevitable orgasms for 
later. plain to your lover that get- 
ting there is all the fun, if for no other 
reason than this: Every orgasm is essen- 
tially the same, but the pattern of arousal 
is always different. If she continues to be 
avereager, coldcock the bitch, tie her to 
the bed and take your own sweet time. 
Like the man says, you've got lo stop to 
smell the voses, or whatever else is in 
bloom 


Count you please tell me the proper 
way to clean à beer mug? | have mied 
numerous methods, from hot ter rins- 
ing to rinsing with salt water. Alter the 
L my stein staris to take on 
the smell of stale beer, which greatly de- 
tracts from the pleasure of the cold 
brew.—]. M. M., Groton necticut. 

You don't say whether yon drink from 
a glass or a metal mug. Porous materials 
(metal and earthenware) may retain а 
favor residue. For this reason, we rec- 
ommend glass mugs and pitchers. Wash 
your stein in warm water with а deter- 
gent, then rinse in scalding water—at least 
160 degrees Fahrenheit. The water should 
be sufficiently hol (180-212 degrees), so 
that you will not have to towel-dry the 
glasses. If you do dry by hand, use a lint- 
free cloth and not the one you use to wipe 
the bar during the singing of “When Irish 
Eyes Are Smiling.” Cheers. 


second rou 


anyone сусг come up with 


males would enjoy watching two females 

е love? Most porno flicks conta 
ist one lesbian sc nd I must 
that alter we get over our initial shock, 
my friends and I are quite turned on by 
the activity. For the life of me, I can't 
out why. —C. N., Coral Gables, 


Florid 

Why not? You don't have to be sex- 
ually rigid 10 be upright. Some psycholo- 
gists treat the fantasy of two women 
making love as a sexual Rorschach. They 


suggest that the male viewer fantasizes 


that he will rescue the females from them- 
selves (ef. the hero sandwich). Others fect 
that the viewer finds the scene Less threat- 
ening than a heterosexual. encounter— 
he can imagine himself involved in the 
action without the obstruction of а mem- 
ber of his own sex. Real-life swingers 
report that when the women get together, 
the men view the activity as a prelude or 
ап interlude. The sex will not be com- 
plete until a man steps in. (Never mind 
what the ladies think.) We have our own 
theory: Any image that expresses affec- 
tion, intimacy, the classic interaction. of 
yin and yang, or yin and yin and yang, 
is a potential turn-on. (Then again, our 
editors have been known to get off on 
everything this side of an Army training 
film.) If you are aroused by one attractive 
woman, adding a second should double 
your pleasure, if not your fun. And con- 
sider the bargain: You're getling two for 
the price of one, which these days is some- 
thing to gel excited about 


the past y 
ve developed a 


, my girlfriend and I 
w technique: Prior 
to intercourse, she hits my penis with a 
rubber mallet until it swells, Then we 
make love like never before. sometimes 
for three to five hours. Do you think this 
technique will cause any damage?—M. A., 
Gaithersburg. Maryland. 

None that it hasn't caused. already— 
there's nothing like a few blows to the 
head 10 addle your wits. Does it feel good 
when she stops? 


Он. when I make long-distance 
phone calls, 1 hear weird noises in the 


background. Maybe I'm paranoid, but I 
think my phone may be tapped. Is there 
an easy way to telP—B. D. Boulder, 
Colorado. 

Sure. Have a female accomplice go to a 
local pay phone, call your number and 
announce, “Hi. I'm Bernardine Dohrn. 
Сап 1 come over and pick up the 30 
pounds of plastic explosive and the five 
М-165 I left in your basement?" If the 
FBI shows up in six months, your phone is 
tapped. There are other ways. You can hire 
а bug exterminator or call Ma Bell herself. 
According to a spokesman for A.T&T., 
the phone company gets about 10,000 ve- 
quests a year lo check lines for wire taps. 
About 200 of the lille buggers are uncov- 
ered per annum. If the tap is a legal one, 
the phone company tells the customer (ex- 
cept in Minnesota and New Jersey, where 
disclosure is forbidden by law or company 
policy) and suggests that he contact the 
cy involved. If the tap is illegal, 
АТАТ. tells the customer and the cops 
so that an investigation may be initialed. 


(By the way, the spokesman suggests that 
you make your complaint on a phone 
other than the one you suspect is tapped.) 
Or you can sit around and wait. In some 
cases, a judge who issues a wiretap 
authorization has to inform the person 
against whom the tap is placed within 90 
days of the expiration of the order. (Your 
mail will be forwarded to the pen.) Final- 
ly, it might interest you to know that if 
your phone has been tapped by an expert, 
you won't hear anything—except maybe 
ап occasional cough or when one of the 
boys orders out for coffee. 


Wour comments in the September 
PLAY Boy on the epidemic of herpes vene 
real disease have left me confused and 
worried. You mention that recurring cold 
sores and fever blisters are among the 
symptoms of Type I infection. 1 date two 
ladies: One gets a cold sore on her upper 
lip every winter; the other gets a fever 
blister on her lower 
nervous. Are you saying both 
ali that I may have become a 
crie? Т. M., Chicago, Illinois. 

The mosi common form of venereal 
disease is the proverbial plague of doubts. 
One doctor told us that following the 
Dick Cavett special “V. D. Blues.” every 
person wilh a pimple on his ass tho 
he had some kind of social disease. The 
doctor's favorite cases involve something 
he calls the front-seat syndrome: It 
seems that young men in the heat of 
passion sometimes get themselves caught 
in their zippers, wake up the next 
morning and don't recall where the 
abrasions came from. (The same thing 
can happen afier a bite-size bout of oral 


arm whenever she is 
that 


1 or 


39 


PLAYBOY 


40 


sex.) Suddenly they are worried that they 
have “it.” Don't be afraid to have a check- 
up: More often than not, "it" is some- 
thing else; but betier safe than a drooling 
idiot with tertiary syphilis. In your case: It 
is thought that all fever blisters and cold 
sores are caused by viruses but that not all 
of these are herpes virus. Only a virologist 
can tell for sure. Type 1 is troublesome but 
usually not serious, and the treatment is 
simple: Avoid infection and the sores 
eventually disappear. Also, for those of you 
sorvied about Type I infections—awhich 
can be serious—help is on the way. Ger- 
man doctors have had some success with a 
vaccine for Type HH: ij and when the FDA 
approves the cure, it will become available 
in this county 


ET. 


Н... docs one store a motorescle for 
the winter? Lam about to leave the conn- 
try for three months on business and I 
m wonder to do with my 
e.—D. W. , Arizon 

Drain the gas tank, remove the battery 
апа store it in a warm place. Fill the cylin- 
ders with engine oil (for ring lubrication). 
Spray external engine surfaces, all wiring 
and chrome wilh a silicone. preservative. 
Wax the paint heavily. Cover with a tarp 
or a custom mitten. 1. a copy of 
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Mainte- 
nance"—opeued to a good part—in plain 
sight. Promise your bike that you'll think 
of it every Пау. 


Some time ago, 1 began frequenting 
gay 1 order to make compatible so- 
cial contacts. Now I have discovered that 
I am more than a heavy dri Ima 
downright alcoholic. Can yon tell me if 
there is a chapter of Alcoholics Anony- 
mous where I might obtain help for my 
problem from a sympathetic peer group— 
gay AA. I think the problems are re- 
чей.—С. B., Brooklyn, New York. 

IVs а common situation, no matter 
what your sexual persuasion. Move than 
one straight has staggered out of a sin 
bar, muttering, "I can't go on meeting 
girls this way.” Alcoholics Anonymous 
dors have gay chupiers in most cities. How- 
ever, the purpose of their counseling is to 
help you stop your drinking. They do 
nol believe that homosexuality itself is a 
problem, nor do they focus on the prob- 
lems of being a homosexual. If you want 
guidance in both areas of your life, con- 
tact the local branch of the Mattachine 
Soriety. Bottoms up. 


Kaisa) 


tortie 


SUPER COLOR BIKINI UNDERWEAR. 
5299 per pair phn 8.50 portage and handling 


ve tried 10 capture our 
nities on film, but the pictures don’t tum 
. What are we doing wrong?—s. S, 


Most oj PLAYBOY'S work with slopes 
and moguls takes place in the studio, 
so we asked shi photographer Peter 
Miller for his advice. He says that the 
chief villains are the extreme light and 


EREATIONS BY BAT 
5864 washington ave. зо. edea perra, minnesota 55343 


temperature conditions you тип into in 
the mountains. Don't trust you battery- 
powered in-camera meter; brightness can 
put the reading out of whack by up to 
three stops. The cold can affect the bat. 
teries and they are slow to recover. A se- 
leniuni-cell meter, such as the old Weston 
Master VI, which does not use batteries. 
should do the trick. Take a reading off the 
palin of your hand from about six inches, 
or lake an incident reading [rom the sun 
Pointing a meter at the snow will cause 
you to underex pose by several stops; fig 
ures will end up as silhouettes. If von 
take a camera in ont of Ihe cold, conden- 
sation may form between the elements of 
certain lenses: An 80-200mm lens тау 
take as long as 21 hows to dry out. Mois- 
ture can also short-circuit camera electron- 
ics and cause rust. If you can’t store your 
equipment ош of doors for the night. wrap 
it in а sweater or a parka before vou take 
u dn. This will insulate it from the tem- 
perature. change. As for filn and filters, 
Kodachrome 25 is as fast as you'll need 
Jor the mountains—average exposure is 
about |56 at 1/500, Use a 1-À filler to 
cut haze and improve color, At very high 
altitudes, а UV-I6 may be useful for cor- 
reeling the heavy ultraviolet rays, Finally. 
а few tips: Shoot across the Mill at a low 
angle, rather than uphill (camera optics 
tend 10 flatten the slope). Frame scenies 
with a figure or a tree limb in the forc- 
ground (if the figure is impaled on the 
tree limb, all the beiter). Back lighting 
and cross lighting ave more dramatic than 
front lighting. Only mad dogs and Eng 
lishmen take pictures in the noonday sun 


Tieres a Teuer in the September 
Playboy Advisor trom a couple compl 
bout lack of success with a technique 
the hum job. Мау 1 suggest a 


num foil around 
testicles and. with her teeth lightly 
touching the foil, hum her 
alic 
the desired 
Califor 

We always appreciate household hints 
from enlightened yeaders 
Intely right: Every straight man deserves 
his foil, And now, take it from the lop. 
Felicia. 


We dining out on business, 1 always 
the meal and the tip on 
a In restaurants. where there 
captain amd a waiter (with the former 
taking the order and the latter providi 
the service). it is obvious that the cap 
deserves some consideration. 
Also, is it true that the cap 
ceive his share, even if I list it separately 
on the charges?—S. L. S. Cherry Hill, 
New Jersey 

It isn't correct to put the captain's 
tip on your charge. The will 


your 
worite song, 
vibra 
effect 


as should produce 
А. V. San Di 


You are abso- 


credit 


еа 


How much? 


waiter 


May your Christmases be white with one slight exception. 


Johnnie Walker 
Black! TLabel Scorch 
ЗА of Rs ی و‎ 


тет. - 9 * = 
ее ed 


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Its better t 


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fingit makes the act of giving a 


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Only a limited number of these 
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They are not available in every 
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be sure to set one aside for your 
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\ 


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probably claim the gratuity for himself. 
If you want to reward the captain, fold a 
dollar or two or five in your hand and slip 
it to him as you leave. Give more (or less) 
than that and he might remember you 
next time. 


universe sex. betwee 
and the missionary position. What the 

physical ficance of this divisi 
ht be, whether it symbolizes alpha and 
omega, utter or Masters and 
Johnson, T cim't « 
know, the facetod 


n does se 


dom goes to the dogs. Is this truez—R. S., 
Glencoe, Illinois. 

Aristotle claimed that hedgehogs do it 
face to face, presumably to avoid stabbing 
each other with their spines. But Avistolle 
was a notoriously bad observer—he also 
stated that men had more teeth than wom- 
en—and his immersion in Greek culture 
тау have biased his views, No one else has 
ever seen hedgehogs balling face to face. 
On the other paw, there is the two-toed 
Moth; a pair of lustful sloths were seen on 
one occasion getting after it eyeball to eye- 
ball while hanging by their fovelimbs—a 
feat we envy. A few primates also seem to 
enjoy a bit of the old (ete à tete. Young 
apes and monkeys lake that position, 
thongh with maturity they acquire a pro- 
founder view of life and approach se 
from the rear. Gorillas have often been 
seen mating in the missionary position, 
but only in captivity; maybe zealots preach 
to them through the bars. The male 
orangutan, a chauvinistic and undigni- 
fied beast, chases the female. wrestles 
her onto her back and then has his way 
with her while squatting on his haunches. 
The pygmy chimpanzee regularly com- 
mits head-on coitus; the female's vagina 
is located more toward the front thin 
that of the common chimpa facili 
tating frontal fucking. As to what it all 
means, there ave those who think face 
10 face is more appropriate for humans. 
since il aids conversation (and it's there- 
fare recommended on the first date. 
when you're still getting to know each 
other). Among most animals, a preference 
Jor this form of copulation does seem to be 
а sign of evolutionary sophistication: how- 
ever, in Homo sapiens, it appears to be 
just the reverse. 


АП reasonable question—jrom fash- 
ion, food and drink, sterco and sports cars 
to dating dilemmas, taste and etiquette— 
will be personally answered if the writer 
includes a stamped, self-addressed en- 
velope. Send all letters 10 The Playboy 
Advisor, Playboy Building, 919 N. Mich 
gan Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 60611. The 
most provocative, pertinent. queries will 
be presented on these pages each month. 


N 


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Long, slender, mild-tasting A&C Grenadiers 
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that give you real flavor, satisfying taste. 

Its one beautiful smoking experience. 


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41 


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A great way to ring in the holidays. 


The gift of 
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RARE 
SCOTCH 


THE PLAYBOY FORUM 


an interchange of ideas between reader and editor 
on subjects raised by “the playboy philosophy” 


SEX LAWS TUMBLING DOWN 

Despite the outrage of hordes of wow- 
sers and Bible bangers, California has 
legalized privat y sex between 
adults. In May 1975, Governor. Edmund 
Brown signed into law a bill repealing 
the state's 100-ycar-old sex statutes, which 
were still, from time to time, being 
enforced. 

Is hoped that there will be a wave 
of such legal reforms across the nation, 
doing away with socially harmful 
from a past that should be dead 


And PLAvmoy certainly deserves 
for helping create a climate of 
ide such progress possible. 


San Fr 
Since 1970. 14 states have vem 


"ed 
Tegal restrictions on private consensual 


sex between adulis (prior to that, only 
Illinois had done so) Legalization is 
now complete in Arkansas, Colorado, 
Connecticut, Delaware, Hawaii, Maine, 
New Mexico, North Dakata, Ohio, Ore- 
gon and Washington. (See this month's 
orum  Newsjront.") Illinois forbids 
pen and notorious cohabitation,” New 
York and Texas have retained prohibi 
tions against homosexual acts and Cali- 
fornia forbids sex between prisoners. 
Proposals [or updated sex codes ave pend- 
ing in at least a half dozen other states. 
Yes, V 


тіліп, there is a sexual revolution 


CALIFORNIA POT REFORM 
ifornia has taken a major step to- 


ward restoring trust and respect for the 
Jaw by emacimg marijuana-reform 

lation. While the new law, which takes 
chea on January first, stops short 
of decriminalization, it climinates the 
arrest and jailing of marijuana users, in 


«Гон 10 make the punishment more 
te to the crime. 
r my Senate Bill ed by 

Brown, Jr. last 
ght with one ounce 


Governor. Edmund C. 
, individuals ex 
or less of marijuana will be issued cita- 
tions and faced with a fine of up to 5100. 
Possession of marijuana will be a mis- 
demeanor offense, but all such arrest and 
conviction records will be automatically 
expunged after two years. The potential 
s through this new law are enor- 
since more than 100,000 Califor- 
nians are arrested on marijuana charges 
cach year, at a cost to the taxpayers of 
more thi 100,000,000. Enacıment of this 

е or rearrangement of 


police priorities. 


In working for passage of this legisla 
tion, Alan Sicroty, who sponsored the 
assembly version of the bill, and I were 
fortunate to have the active lobbying 
support and assistance of the National 
Organization for the Reform of Marijua 
aws (NORML), which worked with 
us in convincing legislators of the impor 
tance of changing California's antiquated 


and harsh laws dealing with marijuana 
possession. 
This is a major victory in getting gov- 


ermment and the police out of the busi 


ness of regulating private lifestyles and 


social behavior 


Senator George R. Moscone 


Sacramento, 


BORDER JUSTICE 

I was өшіздей by the fiom 
Stephen H. Wilson, describing his brutal 
treatment at the hands of U. S. and Mesi. 
сап authorities. (The Playboy Forum, 
October). I live near the border and Wil 
son's is not the first story I've heard of 
abusive treatment of U. S. citizens accused 
of smuggling drugs, including confiscation 
of their property. physical torture, finan: 
rip-olls by shady Mexican lawyers and 
unconscionably long sentences based on 
Tile or no evidence. 


letter 


ДЕЙ! c people swamp their 
Senators, Congressmen and even the Pres 
ident with letters of protest. Perhaps 


they'll be symp: 


a election у 
Rod Groves 
Tucson, Arizona 


RAPE FANTASIES 

Alter hearing the oft-repeated statement 
that rape fantasies are the most popular 
and prevalent of all daydreams for wom- 
en, it has become obvious to me that my 
female friends and relatives and I must 
usual. None of us, even in our wild 
est flights of fancy, is turned on by the 
prospect of being raped 


s involved in т 
à the bushes, wa 


қоған 
тап but because he prob: 
ably hates his mother, si ife, maybe 
all three, and women in general. His pur 
pose is not sexual release but to hurt and 
humiliate, perhaps even to kill. How can 
any woman be turned on by that prospect? 

And. of course, your everyday, friendly 

shborhood rapist docs not carry а 
handy rape kit that includes a lubricant 
to make it more comfortable for his 


“It's a good turntable by itself, 
and as an added bonus 
it also stacks records.” 
Creem, MARCH 1975 


In the old days, a serious 
audio enthusiast wouldn't 
touch anything but a manual 
turntable. 

He felt he had no choice. 

But as Sound magazine says 
in its August 1975 issue: 

“In recent years...the quality of 
the automatic turntable has 
risen dramatically. And the 
performance of the B-I-C 960 
certainly substantiates our 
belief that a serious music 
lover can attain extremely 
high quality in an automatic 
unit just as in the 
best manuals?" 2300 
Ina Sept. 1975 test report, 

Radio & Electronics agrees, 
noting that B:T-C: 

"might well be considered a 
top-performing manual 
turntable in its price category; 

Modern Hi-Fi and Music 
(Aug./Sept. 1975) reports 

“wow and flutter of 0.03% at 
33% rpm and rumble less than 
— 65db; specifications which 
are more typical of a good 
manual than most automatics’ 
If you're serious enough 

about your system to spend 
$100 or more on a turntable, a 
Б-І-С 940, 960, or 980 has what 
you want and more of it— all 
three are multiple-play manual 
turntables sharing the same 
quality features and high 
performance. 

ee if your high-fidelity 
dealer doesn’t agree. He has 
literature with all the details. 
Or write to B'I-C ("bee-eye-cee") 
c/o British Industries Co., 
Westbury, N.Y. 11590. 


BRITISHINDUSTRIES CO. A DIVISIONOF AVNET INC. 


43 


PLAYBOY 


44 


. a prophylactic to protect her from 
getting pregnant or catching a disease and. 
most important, а signed document stat- 
ing that she did not entice him nor did 
she enjoy it. Consider also the endear- 
ments the rapist is likely to whisper in 
his victim's ear (the same spot where he's 
undoubtedly hold knife or a gun). 
such endearments as, "Shut up or ГИ Kill 


you,” or “Cooperate and you may come 
out of this alive.” or “I always hated my 
mother,” or even calling her “Mom,” so 


she can relax fully in the knowledge that 
this fellow is mentally very stable. 

Ah, erotica! Romping with Robert Red 
ford and Charles Bronson on a jumbo 
sized water bed while the L.A. Rams 
watch, maybe. But rape fantasies? Really, 
now! 


Donna Lombardi 
Reseda, California 


GAY TRANSSEXUAL 

Regarding the letter from Professor 
Thomas M. Kando on sex changes (The 
Playboy Forum, August 1975). which 1 read 
with great interest, I must take issue with 
a couple of his points. I underwent gen- 
der-conversion surgery here in St. Louis 
in June 1974 and I am now a happy. 
liberated, gay woman. 1 do not consider 
myself an “Uncle Tom of the sexual revo- 
lution,” nor am I “more unliberated than 
the women” or “more chauvinistic than 
the men.” Nor do I agree with the state 


ment "The feminized transsexual wants 
nothing to do with women's lib. which 
she sees as a movement 10 masculinize 
women." I do not prod medical 


history, nor do 1 try to hide it. Most of 
the women with whom I've been to bed 
were aware of my surgery. but one was 
not. In almost all cases. I am accepted by 
ау women as the woman I wish to be, 
not as what I was at some previous time. 

Transsexuals Гуе met do not fit into 
any of the four types listed by Professor 
Kando, either. Two have had the oper: 
tion, both are employed. One is married 
but enjoys being known as a sex change: 
the other is as gay as I am. She is also а 
supporter of women's lib. Three others 
have not undergone operations: two of 
them live as women. They are supporters 
of women's lib and have stated that they 
are inclined to be gay, also. 

So it appears Professor Kando 
should have interviewed more than the 
17 persons who formed the basis for his 


ly. 


Lisa M. Wagaman 
St. Louis, Missouri 


PASSION FOR PUNISHMENT 

1 was frankly puzzled by the 
man's letter "Masters of. Discipline. 
the October Playboy Forum. 1 can accept 
willingness to give the "lady of exqui 
te and expensive clothes" what 
wanted. But why did she want what she 
wanted? Why would any woman ask a 


itary 
in 


FORUM NEWSFRONT 


a survey of events related to issues raised by “the playboy philosophy” 


FALSE ADVERTISING 

SOUTHEND, ENGLAND—Local government 
officials have been touring the bars and 
night clubs after tourists complained 
about topless dancers. The complaints 


charged that the dancers, despite the ad- 
vertisements, were not in fact topless, and 
officials say this violates the British trades- 
description laws. 


SODOMY LAWS REPEAL 

OLYMPIA, WASHINGTON—The state leg- 
islature has revised the laws against sod- 
omy, making Washington the 14th state 
since 1970 to legalize private sex acts be- 
kween consenting adults. The same re- 
sion removed adultery from the state 
criminal code. The chief opponent of re- 
form, Senator Jack Cunningham of King 
County, said, “T can't sit still and let us 
repeal the Ten Commandments” A 
spokesman for Governor Daniel Evans 
said that the governor, though “no fan of 
victimless crimes,” would go along with 
the legislature and sign the bill. 

The Arizona Court of Appeals has de- 
clared the state's sodomy laws unconstitu 
tional but only as applied to married 
couples acting consensually in private. 


MYTH LEADS TO MURDER 

OAKLAND, CALIFORNA—A 79-year-old 
man has been charged with killing his 
70-year-old commontaw wife, whom he 
suspected of feeding him a sex suppres- 
sant. The man reportedly subscribed to 
the widespread, but false, belief that salt- 
peler reduces sex drive and accused the 
woman of mixing it into his food for the 
past four years. 


THE LAWS OF THE LAND 
rrrrshURGH—— 4 160-ycar-old state law 

that forbids an adulterous man from 

marrying the “other woman," or vicc 


versa, is being challenged by an elderly 
couple who have lived together for 35 
years and have had four children. The 
law prohibits a "spouse guilty of adultery 
from. marrying the corespondent during 
the lifetime of the former wife or hus- 
band. The man was divorced by his 
wife in 1944 on grounds of adultery with 
the woman he has been li vith ever 
since. 


ng 


THE ULTIMATE SETTLEMENT 

OKLAHOMA сіту--Ву some fluke that 
no one can or wants to explain, the Okla- 
homa legislature has passed а las that 
gives а divorced woman absolutely every- 
thing owned by her former husband, 
even personal items acquired before their 
marriage, The 250-word bill was intended 
by its authors to give a woman the right 
10 regain her maiden name after a di- 
vorce, and it was passed without close 
scrutiny in the waning hours of the 1975 
legislature. But somewhere along the line, 
the bill acquired а clause that gives the 
woman nol only her maiden name but 
also “all the property, lands, tenements, 
hereditaments owned by either party be- 
fore marriage or acquired by either party 
in their own vight after such marriage, 
and not previously disposed of.” Gover- 
nor David Boren has been asked by one 
of the bill's coauthors to call а special 
session to терегі the law. 


TURKISH. DELIGHTS 
ANKARA, TURKEY—Acrording to the 
Family Planning Association of Eskisehir 
in western Turkey, jet airplanes and train 
whistles contribute substantially to Anka- 
m's birth vate, which is the second highest 
of any city in the world. The association 
explained: “Awakened by the aircraft of 
the military base and the trains at the 


railway station, our townspeople continue 
10 respond too readily to the stirrings 
of natu 


SWIFT JUSTICI 
SKIATOOK, OKLAMOMA—AN elderly mu- 
icipal judge has been forced to resign 
six years of expediting court cases 


by accepting only guilty pleas and holding 
no trials. His unusual policy came to the 
attention of city officials after a young 
hafhe offender continued to insist on a 
nial. The judge told him in court, “Un- 
less you can produce a witness and prove 
you're innocent, you're guilty.” Later, the 
judge elaborated: “He said he didn't 
have amy witnesses, so it was his word 
against the police officers, so he didn't 
need a trial.” 


EQUAL RIGHTS TO PORN 

SMITHTOWN. NEW YORK—On the ground 
that Ihe New York state obscenity law 
discriminates against the average cilizen, 
а Suffolk County district-court judge has 
acquitted a Smithtown bookstore man- 
ager of selling obscene magazines. The 
state law allows the sale of рот to “per 
sons or institutions having scientific, edu- 
cational, governmental or other similar 
justification for possessing or viewing the 
same.” The court agreed with the defense 
that this constitutes elitism. Ruled the 
judge: “Authorizing sales only to card- 
carrying college professors. or certified 
scientists іх as unconstitutional as restrict- 
ing sales by race, religion or sex.” The 
decision is not binding on other judges 
but may inspire. other obscenity defend- 
ants to challenge the law on equal-protec- 
tion grounds. 


FLYING HIGH 

Most experimental findings indicate 
that marijuana impairs drywing ability 
and a recent study conducted by a psy- 
chologist from the University of California 
at San Diego indicates that pot impairs 
even more the ability to fly a plane, De- 
scribing the performance of high pilots, 
tested in flight simulators, Science News 


reported thal “at limes subjects exhibited 
а complete loss of orientation with respect 
to navigational fix, resulting in grossly 
unpredictable flieht performances," be- 
cause the pilots seemed to concentrate on 
some variables to the exclusion of others. 
The journal added: “The pilots did re- 
port, however, that flying way a much more 
challenging task while high.” 


POTPOURRI 

The killer weed. continues to plague 
the police and the American public: 

+ In Warner, New Hampshire, state 
and local police raided a field and dug 


ир more than 900 plants suspected of 
being marijuana. Then laboratory tests 
disclosed thal the plants were a common 
weed. While embarrassed authorities 
were deciding how to dispose of the 
plants, someone broke into a storeroom 
in the town hall and stole 150 of them. 

+ In Avalon, New Jersey, police up- 
rooted 210 marijuana plants [ound grow- 
ing in а traffic circle in the heart of town. 
Unamused, the chief of police said, 
“Whoever did this had to be sick. Н was 
probably some practical joker trying lo 
hurt the town's image.” 

* In Wood River, Illinois, a local cou- 
ple ordered and planied 13 tomato plants 
from a mailorder firm that advertised 
they would grow 20 feet high. Twelve of 
the plants turned out to be marijuana. 


TICKETING POT SMOKERS 

AUSTIN. vw— Го reduce the time 
and effort spent on enforcing pot laws, 
Austin police have been authorized sim- 
ply to issue tickets to anyone caught 
with up 10 four ounces of marijuana. 
The penalties remain unaffected: a maxi- 
mum of one year in jud and a 52000 
fine and lesser penalties for possession of 
smaller amounts. The announced. pur- 
pose of the new procedure is 10 let offi- 
cers spend төте lime fighting serious 
crime and less time arresting, booking 
and jailing local pot smokers. 


SANITY AND DISSENT 
york—A U.S. Court of Appeals 
has ordered the release of a 70-yearald 
convict whose carly efforts to expose 
prison comuption led ta 31 years of 
confinement in Dannemora State Hospi- 
tal for the Criminally Insane. The court 
found that the man, convicted of the 
second-degree murder of his estranged 
e in 1931. could haze been paroled in 
1918 but thal his charges of corruplion 
at Clinton State Prison 
caused slate officials to trans- 
fer him to Dannemora in 
1911 without even the for- 
mality of a commitment 
hearing. Chief Judge Irving 
R. Kaufman assailed the 
state's “total callousness to the ordinary 
decency due every human” and likened the 
man's confinement in an insane asylum 
lo events in Alexander Solzhenitsyn's 
novel The Gulag Archipelago.” 


FEEL NO EVIL 

PORTLAND. OREGON— State liquor offi- 
tials huwe ruled that the reclining billboard. 
lady in black velvet, who sells a Canadian 
whiskey of the same name, is too sexy 10 
be seen in public. Complaining about 
the “feel of black velvet" slogan, the 
liquor commissioner has loll the com- 
pany ro clean up its advertising. He said 
that it’s nol the words or the picture (hat 
iy objectionable but the combination. 


man to spank her with his belt, and how 
did this help her achieve orgasm? Are 
people like this missing a couple of cy 
ders, or is it me whos mi 

something: 


Lucille Hamilton 

Los Angeles, California 
Scientisis have had a lot of fun with 
sadism and masochism; Havelock Ellis 
said that the commonplace love bite and 
the violence of Jack the Ripper were 
sim ply varying intensities of the same im- 
pulse; Freud found these tendencies es- 
pecially interesting “since the contrast 
between activity and passivily which lies 
behind them is among the universal char- 
acteristics of sexual life.” The Austrian 
novelist Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, after 
whom the preference for pain is named, 
was programed for masochism as a 
young boy. He was hiding in a closet 
watching his aunt go at it with her lover 
when her husband unexpectedly walked 
into the bedroom. The outraged aunt— 
she must have been what personals ads 
in sex papers call “a dominant gal” — 
grabbed а viding whip and chased every- 
body out of the room. She discovered little 
Leopold and lashed him with tongue and 
whip. He found this sexually stimulating 
and as an adult was wont to ask his wife 
10 whip him before sexual intercourse, 
in order to re-create the conditions of his 
first sexual turn-on. Then there are 
people for whom sexual activity evokes 
strong feelings of guilt and who have lo 
be punished before they will let them- 
selves enjoy erotic feelings; sex becomes 
associated with humiliation and they can 
enjoy it only in that context. Still others 
are full of vage and impulses to commit 
violent acts, which they repress by turning 

these feelings against themselves 
Sadomasochists usually turn sexual ac 
tivity into a carefully programed scene 
or ritual. The actual identities of the 
participants become less important than 
the soles they play. As Village Voice 
reporter Richard Goldstein theorizes, sad- 
omasochism involves a “search for a level 
of experience in which intimacy is ve- 
placed by a meeting of archetypes; in 
which two figures come together in sharp- 
ly defined roles, like dark gods of passion 
and pain, amid mystery and ritual and 
tribal identity; in which orgasm is almost 
beside the point.” When you consider the 
emotional impact uniforms have on many 
people and recall the childhood. impres- 
sion made by a relatively gigantic, all 


powerful adult, you're on your way to 
understanding what the “lady of exquisite 
taste” was seeking. Maybe she was an 
army brat. Now watch well get scornful, 
sarcastic letters from sadists telling us 
we're all wrong and others from masochists 
beseeching us to be harder. 


NUMERO UNO 

Гуе just read about a new book called 
The Fürst Time, in which a number ol 
well-knowu people, such as Dyan Cannon, 


45 


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Art Buchwald, Dr. Ben Spock and 
Grace Slick, describe their fast experi 
ence of sexual intercourse. It strikes me 
that it would be interesting and informa- 
tive if many more of us wrote about ours. 
We might learn more about ourselves and 
it might dear up some of our misconcep- 
tions about what sex is like for other 
people 

Im one of those women, supposedly 
rare in modern society, who reached the 
ңе of 25 before losing their virginity. At 
that time, I met and fell in love with a 
man whose divorce was not yet final. I 

ad lived at home with my parents, who 
ha Mluence on me and 
were pretty strait-laced. My two. previous 
important boyfriends hadn't had the ini- 
tiative or the drive 10 overcome my inhi 
bitions. "This man was older, and his own 
frustrations had taught him to go force- 
fully after what he wanted. About a 
month after we met, he succeeded in get 
ting all my clothes off during a petting 
session in his apartment. He went to the 
bathroom to get a condom, and by the 
time he got back to bed. I was out of 
the mood. “Are you proud of yourself?” 1 
asked him, which annoyed him so much 
that he lost his erection. Out of that little 
pisode, however, came better communi 
tion. He explained to me that he didn't 
think having intercourse was some kind of 
victory for a man. He simply enjoyed it 
nd he thought I would. too. His point of 
view helped me get over the notion that 1 
would be losing some special status by 
making love with him. Even so. he had 
never penetrated a virgin before and we 
с quite awkward and unsure of our 
selves. It actually took three attempts on 
three different dates before we finally 
made it. 

He got his divorce, but we didn't mar- 
ry. Alter an intense айай that lasted 
scveral years, we went our separate ways 
But the sex between us was very good and 
ГШ always remember him with love. 

(Name withheld by request) 
Cambridg 


vii 


1 a powerful 


2, Massachusetts 


MARRIED MASTURBATORS 
charles Dickson thinks that jerking off 


is comparable to adultery Гог a married 
man, (The Playboy Forum, October). 
He's entitled to his opin 
that he con 
ion. I'm su 
prefer that th e oc 
jonally rather di d find 
other women. In fact, when unable or 
unvilli ke love. a sensitive and 

nell woman probably would cn- 
courage her spouse to masturbate. (On 
that score, who's ch more, the hus 
band who deprives his wile by jerking 
off or the wife who frustrates her hus- 
band with a constant parade of hcad- 
aches, backaches and other miscries 

1 remember one night shortly before 
our first child was born when my horny 


a but I doubt 


ied any wives on the ques 
е most women would much 
husbands masturb 


n go out 


to m 


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PLAYBOY 


48 


state was making it hard to fall asleep. 
As E began stroking myself, 1 discovered 
that my wile was still awake. She didn't 
say a word but simply took my hand in 
one of hers and with her other h 
gently brought me to a climax. 

We've done this fairly regularly since 
then. And my wife doesn't see it as a 
duty: she understands my needs. recog- 
nizes that they may nor correspond with 
hers at a given moment and appreciates 
the value of a helping hand. Nor is it 
onesided or one-handed: sometimes. just 
for fun, when E can't get it up for one 
son or another, 1 do her. It's deligh 
ful to watch your partner react as you 
slowly drive her up the wall and into 
orbit with lots of tender, loving care. 

Іш my book. there's nothing wrong 
with married folks’ masturbating. And if 


па 


they do it together. so much the better. 
(Name withheld by request) 
Freeport, New York 


1 Dickson attacks the morality of those 
rried men who m te. When will 
people learn thar there are no such things 
moral laws, whether written on stone 
tablets, in the mind of God or in the laws 
of mature? There are just rules people 
make up for themselves. Fach of us can do 
no more than decide personally what is 
right or wrong for himself or herself. 

J. Green 

New York, New York 


url; 


1 suppose Dickson equates female awo- 
eroticism with screwing, too. Which means 
that, since my first sexual experience was 
masturbating, I lost my virginity to a 
bottle of roll-on deodor 

(Name and address 
withheld by request) 


I discussed the question with my wil 
She feels as 1 do, that it’s my soap and my 
dick and 1 can wash it as fast as I want. 

(Name withheld by request) 
Carrollton, Georgia 


Being a religious person. I do not be- 
liev outside marriage, but I do 
believe in all kinds of sex within marriage. 
I masturbate during the day and occasio 
ally call my husband to tell him I'm horn 
as hell and to hurry home or the vibrator 
will reap the reward, 

(Name withheld by request) 
Richland, Washington 


ONE SMALL VICE 

I enjoyed the letter in the October 
Playboy Forum from the man in New Or- 
le: 


d I enjoy mas. 
on 
an average of once a day during our first 
ten years together, which left me little time 
for applying my fingers to the bone. Re- 


my marriage a good ont— 


ion. My wife and I used to get 


cently, though, we've been making love 
less often, as I suppose is usual in n 
riage, and once or twice a monıh I enjoy 
а solo flig 

Masturbation 
pleasure fron 


different 
intercon 


There sure of handling your 
penis. of feeling its length and stiffness. 
There is the complete control you have 
over your ow ions: you can stim- 
ulate yourself in just the right way in 
just the right spot. There is the оррог- 
tunity for free play of азу: You са 
imagine fucking anybody you want or 
you can replay great sex moments. [rom 
Your past—perhaps improving a 
on the originals. You can control 
orgasm, delaying it as long as you like 
or rushing headlong to climax in a few 
seconds. Finally, theres the pleasu 
at least I always get a kick ош of 
of seeing your own ejaculation, some- 
thing you can't do when buried in a 


woman's body. 

Not that Fm unenthus about 
ntercourse. Nothing I've experienced 
autoerotically can compare with the 
profound emotional and physical pleas- 


ure of a really good fuck. But masturba- 
tion has its small. special place in my 
life, which is a little happier because 
ot it. 


(Name withheld by request) 
Baltimore, Maryland. 


OTHER PEOPLE'S NEEDS 

Experience has convinced me tliat there. 
should be a new morality that dedares 
that the greatest wrong is refusing to 
satisfy another person's needs. My own 
problem started three years ago, when 
my wife and I were driving home from a 
party with another couple, our best 


friends. We'd had a lot to drink and. 
talked jokingly at the party about swap- 
ping. In the car. we started fooling around 


sexually and reached the point where 
we were all too aroused to turn back 


I fixed some drinks while the other 
man built a fire in the fireplace. Then we 
all undressed and made ourselves. com- 
fortable on the floor in front of it. The 
other couple began to make love wh 
we sat there sipping our drinks and wateh- 

ng them. When my wife got 
she reached over and started toucl 
other man. He caressed her with one 
ad while continuing to make love to 
wife. After watching each other for a 
while. we exchanged partners. We switched. 
back and forth in the course of the night, 

nd it was dawn when we fin 
from exhaustion. I've never bei 
10 come as many times in one 
Гуе never seen my wile so totally 
1 thoroughly enjoyed watchin, 

The next day, though. 

nothing about the expet 


ight 
oused. 


ny wife said 
ice and, since 


said she never wants to do 
Over the past three years, we've 
d two other opportunities for the four 
of us to get together again lor sex. but 
my wife has »pped things while 
she was still The 
last time, I ended up making it with the 
other woman. after which she fellated her 
husband while I looked on. My 
ved by herself in 


then, she 


wife 
nother room. I be- 
lieve she did enjoy that first scene and that 
she wo pate again if shed just 
admit it. The thing is, (he waditional mo- 
rality on which she w: akes 
her feel guilty about screwing my friend. 
Actually. she'd be doing no harm and 
would make me » friends 

by saying yes to our mate swapping. 
(Name withheld by request) 
Indianapolis. Indi 


SWEDISH SEX 
In the July 1975 Pla 


boy Forum, there 
na 
who believes that sex education is a 
Swedish plot. This is very flattering, 
However, the letter immediately follow- 
ing describes опе type of sex education i 
the U.S.—making love at a driv 
unfortunately, Swedish sex 
education has not progressed to this st 
We still frequently watch. the movie 
eat the popcorn. 


is a letter quoting a person in Loui 


mov but. 


ORIGINAL STREAKS 

I think I can settle the debate about 
the time and location of the first official 
streak (The Playboy Forum, October). U 


perpetrated by a group of U 
Colorado students who had ventured 
the border to celebrate the spring break. 
The event was doubtless inspired by au 
overdose of Colorado Kool-Aid. 

The campus newspaper described the 
a story titled "Mazatlán, Mex 
o, Scene of Ist 1 Str 
Apparently, 15 students 
naked through the Hotel de Cima 2 
ng alley, upon which, Mexican po- 
ice. guns ablaze, gave chase. Five were 
дім. The Ameri 
the dean of the 1 
and in late April the students faced the 
university's discipline boar 
fied and 12 were put on 
probation. 
cc th 


Inter 
arefree 


bow! 


polo 
informal 


story's title involved what 
was, to my knowledge, the first document- 
ed use of the term streak in the context of 
uck while nude, I think the 
n adventure qualifies as the first 
officially confirmed str 
Trank Kaplan 

Los Angeles. Califor 


T submit a reference to streaki 
carly date: According to Plutarch's Lives. 
while visiting Troy in the Fourth 


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29 CLASS АС 


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ind his 
Achilles 
by following the ancient custom of run 
ning nal round his tomb. 

Wade Hadley 
ler City. N 


Alexander the Gre: 
friends honored. the memory of 


Century п.с 


ı Carolina 


The first sveaker—a person running 
naked in a society where such behavior 
could be termed nonadapiive—was Archi- 
medes. in 212 nc. He reportedly yan 
naked from a bath after noticing that the 
water level in the tub rose when he got 
into it, This led to Archimedes’ principle 
A body immersed in water dispkices a 
volume of water equal to its own. He also 
designed Archimedes’ screw—it's not what 
you think it is. 
Stanley A. Riggs. |1 


Hanover, New Hampshire 
The archivist їп our Past Fads De 
partment awaits further contributions 


from the social historians in our audicnce. 


SCREW SCREWED 

The dirtiest trick of the year, undoubt- 
edly, was one pulled by a postal inspector 
in Wich Kansas, 
zine. Serew got lour subscription orders 
fiom Wichita early in 1975 and after the 
magazines were delivered, the four sub- 
scribers made a formal complaint to the 
post olfice about the mails’ being used to 
distribute pornography. A Federal court 
indicted the Screw publisher, Al Gold 
stein, who [aces 63 yews in prison 

Pretrial findings revealed, however, 
that the four complainants were the 
Wichita postal inspector using his own 
name and three phony ones. If this isn't 
a species of fraud. I don't know what is, 

idering that по real person in Kan- 

sas was bothered by Screw. If Goldstein is 
found guilty, it will be a horrid miscarriage 
of justice. 


iust Screw maga 


William Peck 
Denver, Colorado 


WHAT NO MEANS 

I was intrigued by the exchange be- 
tween Robert Holmes and The Playboy 
Forum's editors (September) on whether 
or not the author of the Bill of Rights 
intended to роса pornography. from 
prosecution, It scems to me we have only 
10 change the issue 10 see what those who 
wrote the Constitution. intended. If they 
had wanted t0 make an exception Гог 
heresy or blasphemy, they would have 
said so and the 


First Amendment would. 
gress shall make no 
the freedom of speech 


clearly state, 
law . . . abyidgin: 
or of the press except lor heresy and blas 
phemy." Similarly. if they had wanted to 
make it a crime to criticize the President 
ihe amendment would state clearly, 
“except in the cise of criticism ol 
the President" The absence of any 
exceptions indicates that the authors 
did not intend to make any. Just as ob- 
viously, if they had wanted 10 exclude por- 
nography, the amendment would have 


ended, “except in the case of obscenity,” 

After all, 

lawyers involved in writing the Bill of 
Rights but 
masters of. glish prose style (Hamilton 
Adams, Madison) As the late Justice 
» Black remarked more than once. if 
those de ind stylists had meant 
"some laws" they would have written 
some laws.” not "no law." When they 
used absolute language and wrote "no 
law,” they must have meant "no hw.” 
To believe otherwise is 10 claim that these 
very intelligent men suffered а sudden 
mental lapse and forgot all they knew 
about legal language while selecting the 
words of the First Amendment. 

The fact is that the authors of the Bill 
of Rights intended a radicil experiment, 
a nation with real freedom of the press. 
It was а noble and heroic idea. and it 
would be beautiful if we had judges and 
officials today who still believed in it 
and tried to revive it. 


there were not only а lot of 


Iso several persons who were 


lists 


Arthur Lewis 
Miami. Florida 


TO PROTECT FREE CHOICE 

January 99. 1976, marks the third an 
niversary of the Supreme Court decisions 
that made abortion legal for all Am 
women. Opposition to the rulings sprang 
up immediately. as people with strong 
religious and moral objections to abortion 
found allies in Congress to propose legis 
lation that would impose their views on 
all citizens. 

Those of us with equally valid moral 
views who support the right to choose 
abortion thought, at first. that the Su- 
preme Court took care of it for us. We 
relaxed while so-called righttolifers be- 
Мерей Congress and state legislatures. It 
took more than а year and Congressional 
passage of three laws restricting the avail 
ability of prochoice 
groups and individuals realized that their 


abortion before 


now constitutionally guaranteed. rights 
were being threatened 
On September 17. 1975 (the anniver 


sary of the signing of the U.S. Constitu- 
tion), the Senate Judiciary Subcommittee 
on Constitutional Amendments voted 
bortion constitutional 
. However, one amendment 
was almost reported out of the subcommit- 
tee with a 4-4 tie, Drafted by anti-abortion 
lawver John T. Noonan, Jr.. this amend- 
ment would have established the right of 
individual states to ves ict abortion. 

Pressures to pas a right-to-life amend 
ment now will probably focus on the 
House of Representatives. Because Con 
n harassed for so long by 
bortion forces. it may well perceive 
such a states-rights approach as a con- 
venient cop-out. This possibility, added 
to the fact that many states have passed 
laws restricting the Supreme Court deci- 
sions, convinces us that the right to choose 
abortion is not so securely protected as 
many think. 


gress has be 


National Abortion Rights 
League (NARAL) is the only nation: 
membership organizuion lobbying in 
Congress 10 protect the Supreme Court 
lecisions. With chapters and political net- 
NARAL is able to 
ids of people. Those 

an write 10 or 
et. S.E.. Wash- 


wishing more inform: 
call NARAL. G Si 
ington, D.C. 20003: 202-546-0940. 

Karen Mulhauser, Executive Director 

NARAL 

Washii 


өп, D.C. 


ABORTION MARTYR 
Dr. Henry Мо 
id improved. 
od of abortion now widely used in clinics 
ed States. In 1975, 
. he was voted Hum 
by ihe Ame 
He hasn't rec 
we the Cana 
on't let him out of jail 

Canadian abortion law allows, but docs 
not compel. hospitals to set up doctors? 
committees to pass judgment on which 
women should have legal abortions, No 
committee approval. no legal abortion. ln 
practice, this means that. educated. айа 
tnt women can travel or pull strings 10 
get proper medical care while the poor. 
as usual. get shafted. 

Аза survivor of five years in Nazi death 
camps, Polist-boru Dr. Morgentaler was 
ot eager to become a social martyr. But 
he was deluged with requests Irom des 
perate women. When Parliament failed 
10 remove abortion from the criminal 
code entirely. he saw no alte c but 
10 open his clinic in Montreal. Soon, Que- 
bec social workers and doctors were row 
tinely referring women to him 
gentaler was charged. with criminal 
in 1969. bur he was not brought 
to trial umil 1975, after he had shown a 
national TV audience the safety and sim- 
plicity of his procedure. He freely admit- 
ted performing more than 5000 abortions 
in his dinie with 
com| 
juries acquitted him of cr 
charges: despite the acquittals, he was 
sent to prison last March 

After a French speaking. predominantly 
Roman Catholic jury had refused to con- 
viet Morgentaler in his first trial, Qui 
коту General Jerome Choquette ap- 
pealed and the Quebec Appeals Court, 
citing a musty, never used law, overruled 
verdict and substituted а con- 
of I8 months. The 
" la subsequently 
upheld the decision, though not unani- 
mously. 

Immediately after the first vial, Cho- 
quete invoked another obscure law and 
seized all of the doctor's records and per- 
sonal papers, froze hi nd forbade 
him to make public statements. Then he 
proceeded with a second criminal trial 
when j refused to convi 


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he announced his intention of bringing 
wes against Ше doctor in ten more 
саму Meanwhile, Moigentaler has suf- 
fered two angina attacks in prison, is pre- 
vented from writing so much as his 
autobiography and Ginnot even meet his 
legal fees. 

In support of. Morgentaler, 316 other 
Quebec doctors have come forward to say 
they either performed or referred abor 
tions, and Choquette swears he’s inve 


gutting every one of them. However. his 
fiercest energies are still directed against 
Morgentaler. This should be one of the 


hottest stories i 
not just the r abortion but also 
the right to tria гу ("GOVERNMENT 
OVERRIDES JURY"): however, the national 
journals have virtually As Mor- 
gentaler himself is legally restricted from 
making public comments on his persecu- 
tion, a group has becn set up on his 
behalf, Contributions may be sent to Clay- 
ton Ruby in Trust (re Morgentaler), 
c/o CARAL, Box 424, Cambridge, On- 
tario, la. 


nvolving 


Penney Kome 
‘Toronto, Ontario 


KILLING THE KILLER 
My congratulations to Jane E. Maher 
for her reply (The Playboy Forum, Sep- 
tember) to convicted cop killer Bill With- 
crspoon's criticism of capital punishment. 
Here in Canada, a man murdered four 
children from four different families: he 
should go to the gallows, but he 
cause Canada а 
ment only for the killing of prison guards 
and policemen, This capital-punishment 
isue will be debated a long time, since 
їз not a simple matter. It’s the only 
part of The Playboy Philosophy I disa- 
grec with. I wonder whether you're push- 
ing your support for the underdog too far. 
Dan Quinn 
Caledonia, Ontario 


Admitting that there 
justification for ca 
says we should pi 
it is "the essence of jus 
should 1 pay ta 
responsible for the killing of prisoner 
just because it satisfi 
sonal definition of just 


mo practical 
ıishment, Maher 


y because 
" Why the hell 
by become 


ob Levin 
igo. Ilinois 


UNRESPONSIVE GIANT 

The Federal jury's nine-to-three deci- 
sion not to grant civil damages to the 
Kent State victims once again demon- 
states our reluctance to hold agents of 
the state legally respa ilone 
criminally respon: 
sive force in civil disturbances. The 
weight of the evidence in this case over- 
whelmingly favored the victims : 
milies. The defense 
dence relied he: 
discredited excuse 


ple—for using exce 


ıd their 


amst this ev 


y on the longsince 


of self-defense and 


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PLAYBOY 


54 


е jurors found 
onal Guards- 


phantom snipers, Yet n 
ate officials and №, 


Such a travesty of justice should stir 
Americans to demand that Congress pass 
ws 10 ensure some redress to victims in 
incidents like Kent State. Failure to do so 
will perpetuate the notion that m 
and police uniforms doak the w 
With immunity from accountability. Time 
and time again, grand juries have declined 
convict law-enforcement offi- 
ater how compelling the cvi- 
that the accused 
iority. If this п 
t should begin with 
t State verdict and a new tria 
ied by local prejudices and ru 
from the bench that blatantly favor the 
versionary tactics of the defense. 

The New York Times. in 


dence 


its reaction to 


the decision in Cleveland. s if we 
do not establish “a more effective line of 
responsibility and redress.” then asured- 


ly “the feeling will spread that govern- 
ment is an unresponsive giant whose 
ions are above the demands of justice. 
Time equated the killings at Kent State 
and the governmental and judicial failures 
that ensued with the massacres at My La 
and Attica. "In all three celebrated cases, 
the mag 
victed of a 
ant William € 
months . . . mostly u 
house arrest. 
If Kent State goes the 
and Аціс, we have only ourselves to 
blame when such 
occur in the future. 
Peter Davi 

Staten Isl 


der comfortable. 


nexcusal 


d. New York 


KANGAROO COURT 

А little traffic case involving a boy and 
à motorcycle might scem trivial compared 
with some of the horrendous injustices 
recounted in The Playboy Forum. But I 
think what happened to my 15-yearold 
demonstrates the attitude that too 
of our judges bring to their work, 
ude of arrogance and caprici 


son 


My son had wandered onto the street 
with his dirt bike and before he knew it. 
he was arrested and given three пайс 
tickets and two warning citations—lor 
operating a bike without a driver's license. 
plates and lights, ete. Although he was 
only а block home. his cycle 
ord was held 
hout being allowed to use the men's 
until I could be contacted, some 
1er—just in time to prevent 
the police from sending him to a deten- 
п home for the night. I thought the 
whole scene was rather severe, considerin 
the circumstances, and wied to find out 
the r The arresting, officer started 
recounting a lot of other motoreycleurest 
episodes, implying that somehow they 


related to my son, who has been dirt riding 
ince he was eight. years old without any 
problems. 1 got the idea that the cop 
had a pr st motorcycles. Little 
I'd encounter on the 


various cases involving motorcydes were 
heard. the judge felt a need to let 
what his personal feelings we 
motorcycles: They shouldn't be ridden 
even in one's own back yard. One wom: 
who was representing her husband. was 
asked to hide the key from him. When 
our case came up. the fact that the boy 
had never been in trouble before was met 
with the retort: “Well. he's in trouble 
now.” The fact that 5900 worth of damage 
had been do € as a result of 
its being impounded was mer with 
hat's a civil matter. 
still 575 fine and а warning that if the 
boy was caught even siting on а moto 
cycle for a [ull year. he would be pros 
cuted to the full extent of the li 
We were very impressed by the letter of 
the law, but whatever happened to its 
spirit? IE a judge has only a little power. 
he can do only a little damage, but if he 
a lot of power, he can destroy lives. 
Isn't there any way of protecting the citi 
zenry from occupants of the bench who 
© a god comples 


10 his 


The outcome wa 


(Name and address 
withheld by request) 


UNDIGNIFIED VERSE 

1 really enjoyed the lener describing 
the New Jersey appellate-court obscenity 
decision that was rendered in verse (The 
Playboy Forum, October). In May of 
1974. a Kansas judge similarly exer 
poetic license in finding a young wom 
silty of prostitution. Reno County mag- 
e judge Richard J. Rome conduded 
stanza verdict with the lines: 


From her ancient profession she's 
been busted, 

And to society's rules she must be 
adjusted. 

If from all this a moral doth unfurl, 

It is that pimps do not protect the 
working girl! 


Unhappily, the judge's literary efforts 
weren't appreciated. According to The 
Topeka Daily Capital, а Hutchiv 
Kansas, feminist group complained that 
the decision exhibited cruel. humor 
said that “it is difficult to be 
person who finds comedy 
circumstances is capable of handing down 
j isions from the bench." The judge. 
ng that his "efforts fall sc- 
vercly short ol a Tennyson or a Brown- 
ing.” айй no one was held up to ridicule 
the poem and all facts of the case were 
cluded, and he explained his action as 
п attempt to draw attention to incre: 
ing problems with prostitution in Hutch- 
After an inquiry prompted by the 
feminists’ complaint, Kansas’ Commiss 
on Judicial Qualifications recommended 


and 


that the Kansas Supreme Court c 
Judge Rome for violation of а le 


courteous to 
letter of 


the 
room 


Apparent 
ves little 


Bill Couen 
Topeka, Kı 


RIGHTS OF FATHERS 


After a lengthy court bande, 
vife gained custody of our daug 
I was to have the right to sce the child 
every other weekend. This w 
s long as we lived in the s 
Now, however. we live in different s 
When I asked for a court order to have 


s sat 


unemployed but not eligible for unem- 
ployment benefits, while my former wie 
has a good job. Does this financial 
problem justify depriving the child of 
contact with her father? 108 glaringly 
pparent to me that men do not have 
equal rights with women in custody 
Don Gidley 
Albright, West Virginia 


ILLUMINATED LADY 

Religi or may not be the greatest 
fomenter of hatred in the world, as H. L. 
Mencken once charged. but it is certainly 
the greatest instigator of bizarre thi 
I refer you to the cise of Kellie Everts, 
winner of the Miss Nude Universe con- 
test and a fervent follower of One World 
Light, a small Christian sect. Interviewed 
by the San Francisco Chronicle, Everts 
avers that her appearing nude in public 
is “not immoral. The body is the tem- 
ple of God." Well, IIl drink to that, 
but Everts gocs on to add, “If men are 
aroused by the sight of my nakedness, 
that’s their fault.” Referring to Marilyn 
Monroe, she adds, “I almost killed 
myself, too, when men looked at me with 
lust and women were jealous." 

The Chronicle said Everts statis- 
tics are an awe-inspiring, 44-18-38, which 
would certainly speed up my breathing il 
I saw her dothed and would influence my 
even more dramatically if she 
21 find it hard to sce why her 
d (or anybody's) would build those re- 
flexes into me and then blame me for 
having them. Everts, however. has more 
theological dogma to sell. She is giving 
up sex for one whole year “to thank God 
for helping her” spread the Gospel of 
One World Light. I hope God appreciates 
the gesture. 1 can just imagine His nod- 
ding contentedly each night after checking 
Evers’ boudoir: “Ah, good, Kellie is still 
sleeping alone. 

As for me, 1 think е 
do—or not do—whatever they want sex- 
ally, as long as it harms по one; so 
Everts combination of exhibitionism and 
celibacy is OK wi But if 1 were 10 


body should 


join public nudity wich private asceticism, 
I would take the credit (or blame) for that 
idea myself. 

Pawick Maloney 

San Francisco, California 


SERVING MANKIND 

I simply adore men and one ul 
can't understand is how prostitutes h 
the gall to charge for their f 
such 


phomaniac: well, 1 say, 


just а nymphoma 


then the Marquis 
adly 

This. then, is my invitation to the men 
of the world to jump on my six-foot-nine, 


de Sade was just uni 


16-23-46 (inches. not centimeters), gold 
bronze body whenever they see me. Fra- 
ternities. lodges and conventions, welcome. 
1 generally work out of the Times Square 
arca but am planning a nationwide tour 
in the near [uture, 

Mary Shelley 

New York, New York 


WARNING TO MANKIND 

1 feet urgently obliged to inform Amer 
icm men that their lives might be in 
imminent and mortal jeopardy at the 
hands of а crazed female monster whom 
I created and who is now loose. 


маи” 
1 


lways been 


a lovesi 
When, shortly after 1 saw the movie 
Young Frankenstein, an auto crash left 
the body of a ravishing woman on my 
front lawn. I decided to act. Being night 
janitor fora BMT subway-station lavatory, 
1 realized I would have to bone up a little 
оп brain surgery and organ-transplant 
techniques: but when you're as horny as 
1 am, you pick up these things fast. Three 
weeks, а hall-dozen gra 
couple of thunderstorms. late! 
ready. I named her after d 
1 Frankenstein story, who, ironically 


ori 
enough, was an early women's libera 
ist. Perhaps that explains why, when I 
threw the switch and introduced. myself 
as her master, she snarled and 
ed a middlesized Chevrolet at my 
face, She departed through the wall. 

The monster is lethal and heaven knows 
what diabolical plot she's developing 
right now. Her last known whereabouts is 
the Times Squa 
makes frequent re 
de Sade. 


ces to the Marquis 


G. Collins 
New York, New York 


“The Playboy Forum” offers the 
opportunity [or an extended dialog be- 
tween readers and editors of this pub 
lication on subjects and issues related to 
“The Playboy Philosophy.” Address all 
correspondence to The Playboy Forum, 
Playboy Building, 919 North Michi 
gan Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 60011. 


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ишкин ELTON JOHN 


a candid conversation with the unlikeliest, flashiest pop star of them all 


e years ago, Elion John was just 
another schlub like the rest of us. He 
was broke half the time, he was shorter 
even than Robert Redford, his hair was 
already beginning to Ihin, he was usually 
more plump than he liked and he wore 
ses as thick as Coke-bottle bottoms. 
Hardly what you'd call a head start in 
the Rock Star Derby; he would have 
stumped any “To Tell the Truth” panel 
asked to make the real next Mick Jagger 
please stand up. 

Last year he made 57,000,000--ап4 
did the impossible: released an album, 
“Captain Fantastic and the Brown Dirt 
Cowboy," that entered the charts at 
number one and shipped platinum— 
music-biz jargon for $1,000,000 worth of 
sales—overnight. Nobody had ever done 
both before—not the Beatles, the Stones. 
Sinatra, John Denver. Then, a couple of 
mouths ago, he promptly topped himself 
with “Rock of the Westies,” which shipped 
81,100,000 and again entered the charts at 
number one. 

Elton has become the biggest thing. 
cuer lo hit the music business, partly 
because he seems to appeal to—or at least 
not alienate—all sorts of different people. 
Teeny-boppers adore him; people who 
would be moved to murder by Led 
Zeppelin don't go for their shotguns 


“There's nothing like actually getting on 
stage. It's the biggest buzz of all for me. 
It's like fucking for two hours and then 
suddenly finding out there's nothing you 
can do after that.” 


when they hear him; and even Rolling 
St 
according to its lights, anyway. That's 
why his string of singles lighting up the 
charts stretched uninterrupted for nearly 
Jour years, broken only briefly last fall, 
а record topped only by—can you 
gues?—Pat Boone. Converting that into 
plastic, it means nearly 35,000,000 singles 
have sold world-wide; and his 13 albums 
are somewhere in the 10,000,000 range, 
which makes it casy to understand the 
vinyl shortage. АП that vinyl in turn 
converts, along with touring and little 
asides like being the platformed Pinball 
Wizard in the film version of “Tom- 
my," into $7,000,000 annually, which in 
turn converts into a $1,000,000 house in 
Beverly Hills, another outside London, 
200 pairs of shoes. eyeglasses of every 
shade and outrageous configuration, his 
own record company, a budding art col- 
lection of elegant ceramic deco ladics, 
es und albums than he can 


somelimes likes what he doe: 


count, jukeboxes, pinball machines— 
whatever gleams next in his су 

But in August of 1970 he 
other unknown here. That change 
On his first trip to America, he 
played the Troubadour in Los Angeles 
to audiences consisting mostly of the 
rock press and assorted music-biz 1урез- 


week. 


“I grew up with inanimate objects as my 
friends. That’s why keep hold of all my 
possessions, PU remember when they gave 
me a bit of happiness—which is more 
than human beings have given m 


a group of people who gencrally strive 
mightily to be as jaded and blasé as they 
are sundanned and lean. This time they 
all went berserk. In a famous review that 
launched Rocket Man into the skies, 
Robert Hilburn of the Tos Angeles 
Times began: “Rejoice. Rock music, 
which has been going through a rather 
uneventful period lately, has a new star. 
He's Elton John, a 23-year-old English- 
man whose United States debut was, 
in almost every way, magnificent." Back 
here in colder regions, we thought at 
first that all of them had been out in 
the sun too long. His first American 
album, “Elton John." was all gloomy and 
doomy, with a brooding, poetic portrait 
of him on the front and strings to boot— 
not bad, but nol our idea of rock т” voll. 
What were those people hollering? 

We found out when first we saw him 
live, Мт. Hyde incarnate, pounding the 
piano like Little Richard possessed, 
Jumping around on top of it wearing a 
sequined something or other and a 
feather boa and flashing ncon sunglasses 
and God knows what else, manic and 
sweating, forcing the energy to levels 
higher and higher . . . and, yes, that was 
rock "п roll. 

In the years since, 
him become, in ihe 


we hase watched. 
astronomy of the 


TERRY СМЕ 


“I started wearing glasses to hide behind. 
1 didn’t really need them, but when 
Buddy Holly came along. God, I wanted 
а pair like his! 1 began to wear them all 
the time, so ту eyes did get worse.” 


7 


PLAYBOY 


58 


hybe wizards, а megastar (better and 
more durable than a nova or a supernova, 
with their depressing implications of 
grandly dying light). And as that’s 
happened, we've all heard more and more 
about his life out of the studio and off- 
stage, when the Alice in Wonderland 
costumes ате back in the closet: 

His passion for tennis, and Billie Jean 
King as a partner; his long-distance col- 
laboration with lyricist Bernie Tanpin, 
who's written almost every word that 
Elton's made famous; popping up on- 
stage to jam with The Rolling Stones; 
stark tabloid pictures of him decked out in 
spangles and fur at some fancy L.A. bash, 
his arm around Bob Dylan or Cher. 

It seemed a good time to get his ver- 
sion of it all, find out how it all looked 
from the roller coaster. So we sent free- 
lancer Eugenie Ross-Leming and Staff 
Writer David Standish (the same team 
that got Cher to say all those surprising 
things in last October's interview) to talk 
with him in his newly bought mansion up 
in the canyon hills. As Eugenie told us 
about it: 

“Nine лм. is too early to talk to any- 
one other than Ihe milhman. let alone an 
anointed megastar, but with our rented 
Dodge overheating and our own heads in 
that peculiar brain-baked state that hits 
you in Southern Galifornia, we headed 
east on Sunset toward Elton's. Benedict 
Canyon home. We followed PR man Dick 
Grant's secret and thorough instructions 
and continued our cruise up streets lined 
with palm trees sprouting along the curbs 
like hormone-infused pineapples. The 
canyon yond steepened and close to the 
top, right below Alice Cooper's place— 
which had mysteriously burned down the 
previous night—was Elton’s house. Is 
Moorish, with a high wall in front and an 
arched walkway, a fountain and lush 
greenery—sort of an Alhambra à go-go. 

“We talked with him by the pool, 
under a Bedouinstyle enclosure. Coffee 
and cookies kept us going, although 
Elton had already played several sets of 
tennis before our arrival. We talked 
about superstardom, sex, drugs, politics, 
music, and just why he is where he is— 
living the laid-back life in a house 
smelling of bougainvillaes and Twenties 
decadence, with the ghost of Garbo 
listening in his gazebo—and, of course, 
where he's going from here. We started 
by asking him, well, why him?” 


PLAYBOY: You were recently voted Rock 
Personality of the Year. Why do you 
think people are so fascinated by you? 
JOHN: Most people are nosy. 

PLAYBOY: Any other reasons occur to you? 
JOHN: Well, most people think I've got 
so much money, more than 1 really have. 
Hell. Paul Simon money than 
me. He's into his own publishing. Bur 
people we fascinated by anyone who's 
got money. 

PLAYBOY: Some press reports estimate 


has 


that you make $7.000.000 a year, which 
is a healthy allowance. 

JOHN: I wouldn't say that. I probably 
flaunt it more than anyone else. 1 spend 
lots on myself. That's probably why I 
got that Rock Personality thing. ‘cause 
I'm the only one who spends money. 
You forget about the quiet rich—at least 
you can gossip about me. 1 dress for it. 


PLAYBOY: Yes, you do. Would flamboyant 
be too strong a word? 
JOHN: Oh, I just like to get up and have 


a lark. 1 do it tongue in check with an 
"up yours” attitude. I love people who 
expect me to wear great, feathery cos 
tumes—ind I do it. It’s like an actor 
mo his costume for his part. I 
"t really feel the part until I'm into 
whatever I'm going to wear. 
Im well making up 
ne. Not having had a r nage 
I'm living those 1310.19 years now. 
Mentally I may be 28, but somewhere 
half of me is still 13. "That may be why 
I dress like a kid onstage. I know I look 
ridiculous sometimes, absolutely idiotic, 
but remember, when I started, I was 
quite rotund. I mean, I'm not exactly 
your normal teenage idol. 
PLAYBOY: What makes you say that? 
JOHN: For one thing, I'm quite 
that my hairs falling out—which 
real drag, because it didn't happen to 
the rest of my family. Tr must be because 
1 was a silly cunt and dyed my | 
lot. So, since Гус just discovered I don't 
want to be bald, I might have a hair trans- 
plant. It's just a matter of going down 
there with the courage to say, “I want 
some more hair. please." 
PLAYBOY: The rock press ought 10 have 
quite a time with that bit of news. Given 
your enormous publicity, what's the worst 
thing you've read about yourself? 
JOHN: Well, let's dear up that incident 
with The Rolling Stones. 
PLAYBOY: You mean the one reported 
in Rolling Stone magazine—that you 
barged on stage during the Stones tour 
and they weren't exactly happy about i1? 
JOHN: Yes. Here's what happened: Mick 
Jagger asked me to sit in on Honky 
Tonk Woman. I did and then left the 
stage to watch the show. Later. this roadie 
gets me and says Billy Preston wants 
me to join them. So I did, Then I read in 
Rolling Stone how Keith N rd was 
pissed that 1 wouldn't split the stage. 
I'm fed up with those damn fucking lies. 
They dont get their fucking facts 
right. Rolling Stone is becoming the 
National Enquirer of rock ‘n’ roll, and 
they have no sense of humor whatever. 
Now, Creem magazine I adore. ‘They 
have a sense of humor. They run some 
very good pieces, and often you'll read 
something about yourself that's 
insulting bur very funny. In thi 
this year, I figured in every section. Ass- 
hole of the Year. Hero of the Year. Rip- 
off of the Year. . . . L really liked that, 
because it was funny. 


for lost 


PLAYBOY: What are some of the more 
bizarre rumors about you? 
JOHN: There's one guy who w 
the Daily Express; he's got 
umn. He's printed а couple of things 
about me—they've not been nasty or 
anything, they ve just been absolute rub- 
bish. When Evel Knievel was supposed 
to jump thar canyon in the rocket. I 
was supposedly by his side, singing the 
national anthem. There I was, sitting 
n my house, going, Oh, yeah? And silly 
stuff like having my head superimposed 
on someone else's body or headlines like 
"ELTON LOVES ANN-MAKRGKE: Or “ELTON 
ELOTES мати ner.” Well, Cher's eloped 
with everyone. The National Star wrote 
that Fd become an egomaniac when I 
broke up the band and ssid I bel 
alter my role in Tommy that I was the 
world’s biggest film star. At that time, Т 
was hiding behind the walls of my Holly- 
wood mansion. Not even my servants 
knew where I w: 
PLAYBOY: Docs that stuff piss you off? 
JOHN: The things that upset me are the 
lies. 1 get very mad at people saying I'm 
a four-chord mu т. with only a four- 
chord style. I was uying to think of one 
song ГА written with only four chords іп 
it but couldn't come up with onc. That 
upsets me. I hate trash magazines. People 
believe them. thats the thing about 
it. When I read something in ıhe Na- 
tional Star which is absolute rubbish, I 
say, "Well, how dare they print th 
But then I'll go on to the next page and 
read someti about someone else and 
ГИ go. Hmmm . . . did they really do 
that? I mean, I'm the first person to get 
sucked in. But some of them are really 
id gossip 
should be run off the street, tied up in 
stocks, and everyone should throw bad 
cabbages at them. I'll lead the way! 
PLAYBOY: Do the rumors and publicity 
make you want to hide, get away? 
JOHN: I refuse to become a recluse. And 
there onveniences to stardom, but 
you just put up with th 
stopped for autographs 1700 
then I get stopped. Pm cer 
gonna shut myself 
and buy my own groccric. But crazy 
things can happen. One day recenth 
woke up and there was this chick sit 
on the bed right next то mc. I'm 
blind without my glasses. I said, "Who 
аге you?" And she said, “Oh, you don't 
know She'd gotten in without a key. 
could have been somcone with 
a fucking gu 
PLAYBOY: How did she get your addre 
JOHN: The CIA should have the som 
these kids have. We never told anyone 
where I live. Eight people have the phone 
number. and still it’s gotta be changed 
every two weeks. 

Another weird thing is the fans’ morbid 
curiosity. Like, the other night Alice 


eved 


es 


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тауда 


Cooper's house burned down, And people 
arc driving up with their girlfriends and 
asking, “Can we park?" I mean, it's fuck- 
ing sick. People just want to see what's 
going down. They probably don't believe 
you go to the toilet. 

PLAYBOY. There must be some fringe 
benefits to celebrity—the groupie scene, 
for example. 

JOHN: І don't really attract groupies. In 
fact, except for the chick on my bed. the 
only groupie I even remember meeting 
was the “Butter Queen.” And I got on 
with her famously... . I mean to say, she 
was quite а sensible human being. 
PLAYBOY: Well, what kind of women do 
you atıracı 
JOHN: Bus spotters and stamp collectors. 
PLAYBOY: Surely, when you tour, the locul 
lovelies come out to mix. 

JOHN: We were in Japan for three weeks 
and didn't see one groupie the whole 
time. We all ended up going crazy be- 
cause no one spoke bloody English. Then 
the Faces arrived the day we were leav 
and they'd beci the Tokyo Hilton 
only a half hour before the whole lobby 
was crowded with all these Suzy Woug 


biis. They just came out of the wood- 
In England, I rend to collect bank 
derks and shop assistants- 
PLAYBOY- How do you explain that? 
JOHN: 1 suppose it’s my image. 
John Denver of rock "n' roll. In En 
it dors take me half a year to escape from 
a building, but over here we don't have 
that problem. Probably because the girls 
are all out on Quaaludes. АШ they can 
do is say, "Hey, man," and all that shit. 
PLAYBOY: But let's face it; You don’t ex- 
acıly shun the limelight. In fact, you 
caused. something of a stir on that rock- 
awards show on CBS this past summer. 
JOHN: Oh, yeah, I was quite pleased that 
it was t i ad I was able to 
mentioi naughty 
things i 
computer” But otherwise, it was like The 
Price Is Right. 
Why? 
You сате talk to those network. 
. We had a script meeting with 
xd it was the most di 
rd in my life. They w: 
all shark jokes, so they could reach 
middleaged people in Peoria, I mi 
they had. David. Janssen and Brenda V: 
caro Michael Douglas prese 
awards. What a joke! 
1 was gonna get out, but Td asked 
a Ross to be hostess on the show, 
d she pregnant and someone 
pointed out it could be harmful to her 
if I left her in the lurch, But it depressed. 
the shit out of me. After all. no one would. 
blame Don Kirshner, the executive pro- 
ducer—they'd blame Diana and me. We 
never had a complete run-through and 
Fd never emceed a live show. Kirshner 
didn't know which way was on or off the 
stage—he even walked off without the 
so fucking stupid. He sent 


wor 


Б 


Di 


me some tennis balls. Thanks, Don. 
PLAYBOY: All right, let's move on to more 
cosmic subjects, such as what stardom 
does 10 your head. 

JOHN; It all depends on the type of house 
you buy. 

PLAYBOY: Come again? 

JOHN: I've been to a lot of people's 
houses that are so big the house has over- 
taken them. You can feel a house's per 
sonality, and it’s frightening. I've even 
fled from some houses back in England. 
PLAYBOY: Well, one could hardly call 
your house understated. 

JOHN: I consider it rather a bargain, 
nearly $1,000,000 and it has two bed- 
rooms. Plus die house has quite a his- 
tory. Ted Ashley. the. head of Warner 
Bros., owned it belore me. Originally, it 
was owned by John Gilbert, the silent- 
screen actor. Then Greta Garbo moved 
in. There's a little gazebo in the garden 
she had built to sleep in when it rained. 
Also, she had a waterfall put in, so she 
could hear the sound of running water 
Alter that, Jennifer Jones and David O. 
Selznick owned it. It became the org; 
house. In the bath, there used to be a trap 
door where Gilbert used to get rid of all 
his ladies by catapulting them down into 


the bedroom below. 
PLAYBOY: 


Sounds 1 


Los 


typical 


‘eah, good old L.A. There are a 
bunch of weirdos around. this town, like 
Charles Manson. I never got that feeling 
from any other town, even New York. 
There Ше weirdness is different. At least 
it's straightforward, like, "Give us your 
fuckin’ money.” I don't really want to 
get involved in ritual killing. So cur 
tently Im having my gazebo tumed into 
a machine-gun turret. 
PLAYBOY: Why L.A.. the 
JOHN: First, it’s conve it's the cen 
ter of the record business and I'm one 
hour from tennis in Phoenix or from San 
Francisco. Anyway, it was the first place 1 
сате to in America, so I regard it as a 
jim. home" sort of thing. I like 
playing other places іп the States, but I 
prefer to live here. 

PLAYBOY: Aside from your modest house, 
what else do you spend money on? 

JOHN: I've got a passion for cars. I had a 
Ford Escort and I was very happy with it. 
But John Reid. who'd just become mı 
manager, said, “You can't drive around 
a bloody Ford Escort." So I went out and 
bought an Aston Mart id he had 
attack. Гуе been through so many 
car. Гуе got at the moment a Rolls 
Cornish hardtop, а Rolls Phantom VI lim- 
ousine that 1 use for touring and a Ferrari 
Boxer. Гуе been through every make. of 
sports car. The cars I've got now I've had 
for over a year. I've gotten over the phase 
of getting vid of them ona whim. . .. I got 
rid of a Mercedes one morning just be- 
cause the roof wouldn't go down properly. 
PLAYBOY: What other toys have you 
accumulated? 


JOHN: I like 
gadget fanau kc pinball machines. 
I've got pinball machines and games and 
things like that. Funny lanterns, neon 
signs, you know, anything th ally 
stupid, anything that will do something 
for five minutes. But I spend most of 
my money on things rt... Tike art 
deco. I've always collected art nouveau 
and that sort of stuff. Гуе probably got 
one of the biggest collections of ladies in 
the world. They're my favorite things to 
collect. 1. s. I like collecting art, too. T 
like new But Гуе never bought a 
picture for the investment value. I mean, 


e 


Ive got a fivedollar parchment of th 
maroon, 


Mona Lisa, and she's hideous i 
but I preter it to some of the tl 
been told to buy as an investment. 
PLAYBOY: Pardon the old cliché, but has 
your wealth made you happier? 

JOHN: I think I had more fum, actually. 
looking back to when I was just earning 
a few pounds a week, than I do now that 
Гус got all the money. Because there 
i ally much limit to what I can 
or cannot have. If I wanted my own jet. 
I suppose I could have it—but who wants 
his own je 
PLAYBOY. Oh. 


gs I've 


executives. certain m 


zine publishers. . . . But for you. there 
must be other rewards as well—for 
stance, youre now hanging out with 


people like John Lennon and Ringo 
Stary. who were once your idols, How 
does that feel? 


struck. and Î know them quite well. 
ised to go and see the Beatles at the 
Christmas show, and now here I am, 
playing on Ri Irs mind- 
boggling, "cause 1 very much 


PLAYBOY: Do you hang out with other 
rock 8? 
JOHN: Well, Т a 
wi 


not much of a mingler 
h rock-n-roll people. Socially, 1 mix 
with very few. Besides John and Ringo. 
I know Rod Stewart quite. well. And 
know Alice Cooper. But I don't mix with 
many other rock-n-roll people, because 
1 find them boring. 

PLAYBOY: Not that we disagree with you. 
but why are they boring? 
JOHN: Well, they're just 
ot mud cor 
dope. sex or "What 
g?" I would say th 
cent of them arc really nice 
telligent, decent conversa 
some of them—if уоп" 
together from London to Los 
you say three words altogether. 
to talk rock "n' roll all Ше 
to, you know, have a laugh, 
е mot many people with à 
sense of humor. 

PLAYBOY: How do you sort out friend: 
from toadics? 

JOHN: Fm very cold with people, as far 
as that goes. I'm hard to get to. It takes 


thick. They 
side from 


good 


59 


PLAYBOY 


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PLAYBOY 


62 


a long time to be a friend of n 
still got the same friends I had six у 
ago, and I'm quite happy with them. If 
anyone new wants to get in close, they've 
got to prove it’s not because I'm Elton 
John. New friends think I'm good for a 
Rolls-Royce, 
PLAYBOY: Whi 
friends? 
JOHN: People who were with me when 
Bernie and me were struggling, The 
people who will ring me up when Im 
depressed and make me lugh, who'll 
come around any time, day or night, if 
g desperate. And I'm lucky to 
a good set of friends for that 
PLAYBOY: Did you have many friends as 
a kid? 

JOHN: Oh, yeah, a certain number, 
school. But Monday to y I went to 


do you look for in close 


practice 
from school holi 
shit creek w 
introverted a 


homework. Apart 
I was really up 


glasses—to 1 d. n у 
ced them, bur when Buddy Holly came 
long. God. I wanted a pair like his! 1 
began to wear them all the time, so my 
yes did get worse. 

PLAYBOY: What were things like at home 
back then? 

JOHN: My father was so stupid 
it was ridiculous. 1 couldn't cat celery 
without making noise. lt was just pure 
hatred. You know, he never saw me lor 
two years. ] mean, I was two years old 
when he came home from ıhe air force. 
He'd never seen me. And it got off w a 
really bad start, ‘cause Mother said, "Do 
you want to go upst а see him?" 
He said, "No, FH wait ull 
He'd been in Aden or somewhere, and 
he came home after two years. after not 
seeing me born or anything. Mother w: 
all excited. But he siid, "No, II w 
till morning. 
PLAYBOY: How did your father feel about 
your interest in musicz 

JOHN: He didn’t want me to go into 
i nd I сіп never understand that, 
because he was a trumpeter in a band. 1 
he did се me. Used 10 pla 
A fou 
tening to George Shearing is а bit 
off. 1 was more into Guy Mitchell. He 
even gave me the first album I owned 
when I was ni п Eddie Fisher album. 
Just what every nine-year-old needs. 
PLAYBOY: You sound a bit bitti 
JOHN: Not anymore. When I left home. 
at 14, when my parents got divorced, 
there was а poim when I did feel bitter 
because of the way my mom was treated, 
When they gor divorced, she had to bear 
all the costs. She more or less gave up 
everything and had to admit to adultery, 
while he was doing the same thing behind 
her back and making her pay for it. He 
was such a sneak. Then he went away 


mornin 


nd five months later got married to this 

n and had four kids in four years 

My pride was really snipped. ‘cause he 

was supposed to hate kids. I guess I was 
misrake in the first place. 

PLAYBOY: Whats your relationship with 

you 


wom 


other like? 
JOHN: Oh, good. She lives two doors away 
now. We've always had a good relation- 
ship. My father was an ogre to her, but 
she was always great to me. She's just 
straight about. everything and smell 
a rat for а mile. She'll say, "Don't bloody 
well trust him! He'll run off with all your 
money." She's always been right. 
PLAYBOY: So you rely on her for suppor 
JOHN: ] trust her opinions. When Ber 
and I first got this flat in Islington, when 
I was 19 ог 20, 1 thought, Christ, I'm my 
own boss now. But the move proved to 
пс how much I had relied ou home. I 
didn't know what a w g machine 
looked like. My mother had done every 
thing for me. 1 mean, wiped 
xd everything. I was very dom 
home. 

PLAY&OY: What did you do t 


my ass 


ated at 


keep 


| music. used 
Ш the time. 1 would 


to listen to records 
buy records and file them. I could tell 


you who published what, and then 1 
would just stack them in a pile and look 
ke my possessions. 1 
imate objects as my 
nd I still believe they have feel- 
s why I keep hold of all my 
possessions, because Vl remember when 
they gave me a bit of happiness—which 
is more than human beings have given 
me. 

PLAYBOY: Were you much of a student? 
JOHN; School I found was really boi 

I used to mess around and play truant, IE 
ny sporting events, I would 
go to them. [ started to play semiprofes- 
sionally when 1 was 14, Little Richard 
ud things like that. And then we used to 
try to find the most obscure blues—when 
everybody else was playing rock "n' roll. I 
used to play piano in a pub while I was 
still in school, singing Al Jolson songs. 
Sing-along-type songs. Mitch Miller. 1 w 
paid a pound a night and my father 
would come round and collect with a box. 


there were 


was 


Jeny Lee Lew lways 
Шшепсе on me. He's the best 
pianist ever. There isn't anyone to touch 
him. 1 couldn't play like him. ‘cause he's 
too Гам. Гус got terrible hands for a 
pianist ћсуте midget's fingers. I play 
more like Little Richard. 1 used to go 
and see Liule Richard at Harrod's Gra- 
nada—and he used to jump up on thc 
piano and Fd think, I wish that was me. 
PLAYBOY: What happened after you quit 
school? 

JOHN: I used to hang 
players and record-bu 
I got a job as а teaboy for a ree 


ound with soccer 
ines people—then 
d fir 


and decided to turn. profes A five 
piece group with s section. God. we 
used to work. Once, we did four gigs in 
one day. We played an American Service 
men's club in London and then went to 
ham and did a double—two ball 
rooms. Then at about six in the morning 
we went hack and did the Cue Club. 
which is a black pub in London 

PLAYBOY: And you had to schlep all the 
equipment around yourselves? 
JOHN: Certainly, And I had the most of 
anyone in the group. But I'm not elec 
гісі at all, and I never once had my 
equipment repaired. It was all falling 
to bits, The organ used to fart and make 
terrible sounds. At the end. when we wei 
ag the ballrooms, I finally destroyed 
х 80. by kicking it in 
ə sesion, But we used to 


bra 


have a great time. It was when London 
Il those clubs 
were around and we played them, The 
Beatles would be there and the Animals 
1 Gene Pitney, I didn't know anybody. 
PLAYBOY: That was belore you teamed up 
with Bernie Taupin? 

JOHN: Yes. I met Bernie through tl 
advert. It was for a record company, say- 
ing. “Talent wanted.” Liberty Records. 
Bernie had applied. and I was talking to 
а guy named Ray Williams, who was the 
one who brought us together. I was say- 
ing. “Listen, I think D can write songs. 
but I don't write lyrics.” Bernie's letter 
s on his desk and Ray said, “Here, 
this guy writes lyrics." And that was it. 
Bernie had heard some of the stuff I 
is doing and he quite liked it. So I 
Should we write together?” And 
he said yes. Eventually, we signed up with 
nes Music. He guaranteed cach 
pounds a week as a guarantee 


y and 


was really swingi 


the group Td been playing with 
PLAYBOY: W| of stuff were you and 
Bernie writing at that point? 

JOHN: There must be an album lying 
round—things like Scarecrow and A 
Dandelion Dies in the Wind. Tt was like 
acid 1968 or '69—all that Windmills of 
Your Mind and Canyons of Your Bowels 
kind of stull. We still have all the lyrics. 
1 found them in a suitcase recently, and 1 
was beside myself with laughter for about 
two days I mean, we used 
people who wrote bloody psychedelic 
lyrics, and there we were, writing the bi 
gest load of old garbage you ever read. 
When we signed with Dick, we had to 
regiment ourselves into doing things we 
didn't like. I released one record called 
Tve Been Loving You, which is another 
collector's item on Phillips; it's very, uh. 
Engelbert Humperdinck. It's credited as 
being John and Taupin, but I wrote the 
Iyrics—something which Bernie vill never 
forgive me for. But when we signed with 
Dick, it was like two years of misery, 
writing garbage. 

PLAYBOY: When did you both 1 
JOHN: We were so unsucce: 


to sneer 


If you aren't getting 
More, 


ou're getting less. 


Does your cigarette measure up? 


What’s so more about More, 
the first 120mm cigarette? The 
cigarette that's more in every way 
except price. 

Long, lean and burnished 
brown, More has more style. It has 
more flavor. It has more. Over 5096 
more puffs than most 100mm ciga- 
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And whether you smoke regu- 
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get More going for you. Because 
both More and More Menthol de- 
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Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined 
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. 


FILTER. MENTHOL: 21 mg "tar". mg nicotine, av per cigarette by ЕТС method 


PLAYBOY 


64 


garbage. No one ever recorded any of ou 
songs. At this point we were near to quit- 
ad giving it all up, because we were 
so disillusioned. But Dick had a record- 
promotion man named Steve Brown, and 
we played Steve the commercial stuff we'd 
written and some of our own stuff. He 
said. "Well. obviously. your stuff is bet- 
ter than the commercial stuff. You should 
forget what Dick said"—which was a 
very brave move for him to make, because 
he was just an employ nd write 
exactly what you feel and don't pay am 
attention to Dick anymore" So we stari- 
ed doing just that. I think the first thing 
we wrote was Lady Samantha, That was 
the turning point. I don't think we've 
ever written anything commercial—except 
for the Friends sound wack—since then. 
And, luckily. Lady Samantha caused а lot 
of atte 
Dick that we were right—or that Steve 
was right. Lady Samantha, I pick that as 
my first record as Elton John. 

PLAYBOY: When did things really start roll- 
ing for you? 

JOHN: It took a bit of time. I wasn't doing 
gigs. I hadn't got a band together. In fact, 
when Lady Samantha came out, it was a 
turntable hit, not a real financial success. 
And then It's Me That You Need c 
followed by Empty Sky, 
good reviews but didn't sell. I 
another single called Rock ‘n’ Roll Ma- 
Чоппа, which was a bit of a disaster. 

Finally, we came up with the idea for 
the Elton John album, but Steve didnt 
want 10 produce me anymore—he thought 
I should have а proper producer—so we 
phoned Gus Dudgeon and an orchestral 
arranger named Paul Buckmaster. ‘They 
helped us plan the Elion John album and 
the Tumbleweed album as well. Dick 
spent 6000 pounds on Elton John. That 
was just unheard of in those days—really 
ed а gamble. 

Basically, the. Elton John album was 
done live—playing with the orchestra. 
Just the vocals were overdubbed. I w 
shitting. There 1 was, with all these string 
players who could really read music, and 
1 thought, If I make a mistake, . „. . It 


ion and more or less convinced 


worked out 
it got incredible gland. 

PLAYBOY. By that timc, you and Bernie 
44 obv 


your unig 
your collaboration 
really as separate as we've heard? 
JOHN: Oh, yes. Even back then, w 
lived together, he'd give me lyrics and 
Га go into the next room and play. I 
ever do my songs with him in the 
Га be embarrassed. He's never sat 
down on the piano stool next to me and 
sud, "Well, I don't like this or tha 
Sometimes he'd say, "Well, that came out 
different than I imagined it^ He's bee 
constantly surprised at how songs tur 
ut, Bur 1 just leave the lyrics to hi 
PLAYEOY: Have you grown apart as friends 
since those carly days? 


n we 


JOHN: We sometimes s too much of 
each other back then. but now I don't see 
him as much as Га like. It's ly boring 
for him to come on tour. because he's 
standing backstage at night, picking his 
nose. He comes on a couple of weeks of 
tours, but the recording sessions bore him. 
He's a lazy little bastard! 
PLAYBOY: He hasn't become 
has he? 

JOHN: If you call staggering out of some- 
place at six-thirty in the morning with a 
boule of wine а recluse. No. he’s quite 
busy. He's got a book coming out, he's 
producing the Hudson Brothers—but he's 
very loyal and an integral part of the 
group. I could never find anyone who 
could take his place. 

PLAYBOY: So it was the Elton John album 
that began to make you and Bernie rich? 
JOHN: No, even after those ri just 
did It sold about 4000 and never 
appeared on the charts. And we had to sit 
down and say. Why? We came to the con 
clusion that I would have to go out on the 
road with a band and promote the rec- 
ord—which I'd fought against tooth and 
til for a long time. And I suddenly just 


recluse, 


jews, 


decided that was the only answer. Othe 

. the records were never going to sell. 
and Nigel Olsson 
d 


wi 


So I got Dee Murray 
together, and we started doing 
the records finally began to pick 
even so. they still didn't really sell in 
land uni "d made il in America. The 
g point was my gig at the Troub: 
dour in Los Angeles. 

PLAYBOY: How did the gig at the Troub; 
dour come about? 

JOHN: The Elton John album was receiv- 
g a lot of attention on American radio, 
nd I'd just been signed in America by 
MCA. so they told me it would be good 
to play the Troubadou 

At one point. the idea had been for 
me to play the Troubadour with [eff 
Beck; I'd met him in London and got 
along with him fantastically well, But 
JelFs mai ғ stepped in and said that 
because he was already so big in the 
States, I'd get ten percent and Jeff would 
get 90. He was telling my manager, 
Dick, that. Jeff gets 510,000 а night in 
some places—and itd take Elton si 
years to build up to that. So Em sittin 
there, wanting. thinking, 510.000 a 
wow! And I hear Dick saying, "Listen. 
Ig ee you this boy will be earni 
that much in six months!" 
to myself, Dick. what а dippy old fart 
you are! You'd be picked immediately in 
a Cuntof-the-Month competition! What 
а schmuck. . . . 

So ihe Jeff. Beck thing fell through and 
I was sulking. But 1 ended up goi 
the Troubadour anyway—Dick paid ha 
MCA paid half and we came over. It was 
very exciting. We were met with a |, 
ner that said, ELTON JOHN. HAS ARRIVE 
So we pla өшу 
happened because of all that rubbish. 
PLAYBOY: And your Troubadour perform 


d the Troubadour, but ii 


ice started the whole Elton John phe- 
nomenon in the States? 

JOHN: Well, I honestly can't reme: 
thing about that first week 
All 1 can remember is that they ha 
tificial turf on the top of the C 
nental Hyatt House. And I went to Dis- 
and. But I was suspicious of all the 
ement in L.A. Maybe people were 
just coming to sce me because of a glow 
ing review in the Los Angeles Times by 
Robert Hilburn. But we played a couple 
of other places. like the Electric Factory 
Philidelph where the house 
packed. 

We went back to England for a month, 
where we did the sound track for Friends 
and the Madman Across the Water al 
bum, and then returned to the States for 
nother tour. And what do you know? In 
six months I was earning 510.000 
I was really furious, because Dick had 
beer ht. Now we sometimes earn 
20.000 a night. 

PLAYBOY: ‘That means kids are putting out 
seven-filty or eight-fifty a ticket to hear 
three hours of music. Do you think th: 
a fair price? 

JOHN: We had an eight-fifty top on our 
st tour. I think it was the highest price 
we've ever charged. If kids want to see 
you. they'll pay anything—but I'm very 
anti putting the price beyond eight-fifty. 
1 think charging 515 for a ticket is abso- 
lutely monstrous. To see a Sinatra, to sce 
a Piaf she were si live, to see а 
Dienich, yes, I would say charge wha 
you like, because you're only g 
these people or 
owre The Rolling Stones and you tour 
once every two or three years, you can 
charge ten dollars and up. That's pretty 
ir. But for people who are on the road 
constantly like ше... И I started putting 
nv prices up to 519.50. which I could 
probably ask for, I wouldn't feel vei 
pleased about myself. 

PLAYBOY: You have to wonder where all 
that money goes—or who gets most of it. 
JOHN: Who knows? 

PLAYBOY: It’s just hard for those of us 
outside the music business to unde: ad 
how the Beatles, say, generated all that 
money and managed to piss most of it 
way. 

JOHN: In the case of the Beatles, nobody 
һай ever earned that kind of money be- 
Tore. It was all new. And, 
big money is around, everyone's going to 
leap on you. tow; Epstc 
fault; he made mistakes, not because he 
was а bad manager but because it was а 


wa 


Í course. when 


yone 
ed [rom that since. The Beatles 
mples of how not 
Ringo 
They say that 
y had three people working at Apple 
just to handle travel arrangements. Im 
ally lucky. because I've gor a good man 
ger. I don't want to know anything 


has le 
and the Stor 
to do you 

John la 


s were 
business 
bout it now 


deals. id 


D 


PLAYBOY 


Sie 8-1/2 21207 


PLAYBOY 


66 


about the business side. I'm not interest 
cd. I know that I've got X amount more 
money than I know what to do with— 
although the British government will find 
something to do with it. Still, I could 
never spend all I have and I can’t take 
it with me when I die. 

PLAYBOY. Do you ever wonder if you're 
really worth all the money п 
on you? 

JOHN; I don't force people to go out and 
buy my records, After all, it was quite 
a steady slog to the top, and I've paid 
ridiculous s of taxes. So I 
feel guilty about hav 
I'm supporting half the government with 
my money. They take over 80 percent of 
I make. 

PLAYBOY: Where does most of your money 
come from? 

JOHN: Record sales are the most lucrative. 
things. Touring—you get figures bandied 
bout and you laugh ar them. People 
у. "Oh, he just did a 59,000,000 tour" — 
but for a start, the expenses are abso- 
Iutely ludicrous. IE} do a tour that grosses 
55.500.000 which is more accurate than 
the $9,000,000 you keep he: 
by the time we pay the ag 
thing, I'm lucky to come 


"s spent 


don't 


moun 


g a house, beciuse 


wl 


out 
$800,000. 
I don’t tour to make money. I enjoy 


tou 


g I really do like it, but record 
sales are what really bring in the money. 
Songwriting is all right, it pays the rent, 
but it's not even a tenth 
the records—if you've got 
ing contract, that is. 
PLAYBOY: And if your records become hits. 
JOHN: You can never predict what is 
going to be a hit. Like, Bobb; 1 
a number-one single recently—the worst 
single I ever heard in my life. I couldn't 
believe it, nobody could believe it. Of 
course, hit singles depend on the AM play 
lists. But singles аге a dying art. They've 
put the price up to $1.29 now, which is 
ludicrous, and since then, single sales have 
been disastrous. 

PLAYBOY: If the singles market is shrink- 
x, why bother with them? 

JOHN: Singles are a necessity to have hit 
albums. If you have a single that goes up 
the charts and gets to number one or 
something, and you have an album out at 
the same time with the single on it, the 
album will go right up as well. 

PLAYBOY: But of course they have to be 
commercial singles. 

JOHN: | don't consider myself commer- 
cial, really. As far as singles go, I've just 
been incredibly lucky. You know, they 
even Hip over the singles and give the 
B sides air play. I don't know. It baf- 
fles mc. 

PLAYBOY: You're quite a collector of sin- 
gles yourself, aren't yo 
JOHN: 1 own 25,000 singles—and I don't 
know how many albums I've got. I go 


a 


lucrative 


good record- 


Vinton 


through Cashbox, Record World aud Bill- 
board and write down all the records I 
want. I put them in alphabetical order 
and then just go to а record store. И it’s 
New York, it's Colony. I'm crazy. I buy 
a set of records for here and a set of rec 
ords for England. If I buy a single, I buy 
four—one for my collection, one for the 
jukebox here and the same in England. If 
1 buy tapes, I buy two of everything, too. 
two cassettes and two eighttracks. ] keep 
Tower Records alive. 1 mean, when I 
first saw Tower Records, I died. I didn't 
know where to starı. Now I know it back 
and front, In fact, people come up to me 


and ask me—I'm always in there, sort of 
browsing around—they ask, "Do you 
work here? I'm looking for The Temp 


tons" And I say, "Step around this 
" They even open up the store 
ior me at eight o'dock in the morning. 
so I can browse around in peace and 
comfort. I refuse to take free albums. I 
always buy them, 

PLAYBOY: Do you collect dassical music, 
too—other things besides rock? 

JOHN: Always. And spoken-word records 
and nostalgia records—everything. The 
only thing I don't really have a good 
collection of is sheer country-and-western 
music or straight, square-type singers. You 
must understand that if it all ended to- 
morrow, the job I would most plug for 
would be to work in a record shop—work 
at Tower Records or open my own shop. 
PLAYBOY: Does your record "habit" ex- 
plain why you occasionally show up un- 
expectedly at radio stations to do stin 
as a dise jockey? 

JOHN: Yes, I love it. I just like watch 
records go round. They fascinate me. 
PLAYBOY: What about the recording proc- 
ess itself? Do you enjoy that as we 
JOHN: A recording session is like an ex- 
amination in school. You go in there 
without knowing wl the results are 


мау. . 


going to be. So I enjoy that—sitting back 
п it’s all done. 
ing when 


and listening to it whe 
That's exciting. And its exc 
1 have à record out: I'm 
phone. "How's it doing?" I'm always 
paranoid; even now, I worry about re- 
views amd about how it's going to be 


accepted. 

PLAYBOY: And how about live perform- 
ances? 

JOHN: There's nothing like actually get- 


ting on stage. 105 the biggest buzz of all 
for me. It's like two hours of, I don't 
know, it's like fucking for two hours and 
then suddenly finding out there's not- 
ing you can do alter that, It’s so emo- 
al you don't want to 
Its the only point 
t gives you an adrena- 


this business 
line rush. 

PLAYBOY: Was that the sort of rush Roll- 
ing Stone wrote about when it reported 
that you broke down and cried during a 


concert New Yor 
The reporter. suggested 
your mother was at the show. 

ridiculous. 1 
knocked out by Lennon—everyone was 
just standing there in amazement. I was 
halfway through Don't Let the Sun Go 
Down on Me—which 1 always do with 
my eyes closed—and suddenly there were 
all these lighted matches in th. 
Usually they de that at the end, when you 
come back for an encore, but this 
ight in the middle of the song. Aud 
I just started to сту. As far as getting 
cı -oh, bullshit! 
The rush I felt came from the audience— 
who really stole the 


was so 


dience. 


ime it 


tional over my mothe 


non 


PLAYBOY: It's still hard for most of us to 
k of Lennon separately from the 
Чез. They were very important to a 
Jot of us. And they still must be. consid- 
ering how big your version of Lucy in the 
Sky with Diamonds was last winter. Were 
prised, especially since it wasn't 
very dillerent from their version? 
JOHN: It didn't surprise me in 
but it surprised me over here. 
Pepper is a revered album 
it's the most acclaimed album ever re- 
leased, Is like the Bible. So all the kids 
knew i 
kids that I attract to concerts, They all 
knew it. But over here, it wa 
ball game. People went nuts when 1 did 
Lucy from that album. Some kids hadn't 
even heard it. And that really floored me. 
1 thought, Oh, my God, there's a new 
generation coming up somewhere! I told 
Ringo about it and he said, “It's true. 
People come up to me and say. 'Hi, 
Ringo Sta 
Song and Oh My My and things 
that. They don't say, ‘Oh, you were one 
oí the Beatles. 
PLAYBOY: Did he say how he felt about 
that? 

JOHN: Не didn’t mind at all. He wasn’t 
upset about it. It's just very strange— 
we're getting old and there's a whole new 
generation beginning to loom up. 
PLAYBOY: Why do you think the rumors 
about a Beatles reunion keep turning 
up? Why do people seem to need or want 
that to happen? 

JOHN: Well it’s like gossip, 
people 
lor to go back to Richard Burt 
ev 

thing good about getting the Beatles back 
together would be to watch how Lennon 
and McCartney write songs and how the 
four would get on. It's an 
possible situati 


you s 


agland, 


Sergeant 


solutely im- 


ther 


's no way they 


way of tell 


ld be great. I don't think anyone 


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PLAYBOY 


has come along since the Beatles to 
match their popularity, or their achieve- 
ment, when you think of the songs that 
they wrote in that space of time that 
have become more or less standards. 
PLAYBOY: What do you think of their 
work since they split? 

JOHN: I love Leunon’s work all along the 
line—except I didn't like Sometime in 
New York City very much. It had a 
couple of nice things. I liked Woman Is 
the Nigger of the World. Vm basically 
a fan of John’s writing more than 1 am 
of Paul’s—although I did like a couple of 
s albums. I think he took a lot of 


him above all others to be the brilliant 
one. He was the cute one and he was 
alw 


PLAYBOY: What about George 
JOHN: I was really pleased with George 
when All Things Must Pass came out. I 
thought. Great. Here's a guy that's come 
out of left field. his writing had just m: 
tured on the Abbey Road album. ТІ 
album I thought was brilliant, but since 
then, he's disappointed me a bit And 
Ringo . . . well, all Ringo wants to do— 
by his own admission—is make hit singles. 


And he does that very well. 
PLAYBOY: The Beatles represented one 
sort of influence—but what about The 


Rolling Stones? 

JOHN: Well. the Stones were the original 
rebels, They were the first people who 
pissed in a petroLpump st When 
people first saw them, they said, “My 
daughters never going to one of their 
shows.” But to see them is an event, 
an incredible event. They probably out 
draw anybody. Everyone saying, “Did 
you see the Stones?" or “You didn’t sec 
the Stones?" Now its rather macabre: 
"Should we sce them 'cause they might 
not be around nest year 
PLAYBOY: More recently, people like David 
Bowic—or even Led Zeppelin, when they 
showed up at an L.A. party in dı 
е outdone the Stone: inkiness and 
in projecting an androgynous image. How 
do you react to that? In fact, do you get 
oll ou the bisexuality scene? 

JOHN: Ah, 1 sort of got pneumonia siti 
out in this theater last night. So fucking. 
cold. ... And, um, I played tennis on 
the court the other night. It was so foggy 
1 couldn't see the other players. 
PLAYBOY: Our question had to do with 


your feelings about the bisexual-chic 
trend. 
JOHN: I really don’t kuow what to say 
abou 


PLAYBOY: Well, do you think it’s more of 
a commercial act than a way of really 
udicnccs on to different kinds 
of lity? 

JOHN: You hit the n 
Very few people 


tur 


il right on the head. 
n carry it oll, at least. 


enough to impress me. Very few people 
can enter a room and make me gasp- 
PLAYBOY: Who can? 

JOHN: Oh, my God. Jagger, 
probably. Also people like Noel Coi 
ith Piaf and Katharine Hepburn. They 
could do it to me. 

PLAYBOY: Anyone else? 

JOHN: Dictrich. Uh, Mae West. No, maybe 
not. She's been seen at too many func- 
tions recently. Judy Garland had it. That 
vas an awful mystique she had. She just 
wanted to destroy herself. Like when 
they boocd when she was bad. Then 
when she dead. everyone said, "Isn't 
it a shame?" It can get to you, il people 
don't like you and you take it to heart. 


Im sure that's what happened to 
Garland. 
PLAYBOY: You've mentioned a lot of 


women. How do you like working with 


r more vulnerable to at- 
tack than men. They're more sensitive 
PLAYBOY: How 


JOHN: Well. if 1 took notice of all the 
bad things that were said about me, I'd 


a loony bin by now. If somebody 
has written something shitty about me in 
the past. I don't rush up to them and say. 
“You cunt!” T just shrug it off. Ir's not 
so casy for a woman. Female enter 
are the most indecisive creatures the 
world, They're all paranoid. You gotta 
understand where the ladies’ heads are at 
You have to push them all the way. Kiki 
Dee's one of them. She's got one of the 
greatest voices of all time, but when I 
produced her, I had to be really hard on 
her. She was in tears. After four hours in 
the studio of her trying to sing I've Got 
the Music in Me, I streaked. Bette Midler 
is exactly the same. She's always asking, 
What should I record? Who should I 
record? Why don't you produce 
And shes always down im the dumps. 
Seems most ladies are like that. T haven't 
met onc female singer who's really on 
the ball. I do have a feeling Joni Mitch- 
ell might be different. Süll, 1 prefer 
working in the studio with them, because 
it’s such a challenge. 
PLAYBOY: How do men 
same pressures? 

JOHN: A male is usually very arrogant 
and he knows what he wants, right or 
wrong. He just stea Men are 
straightforward. For dmiuing 


ers 


ез” 


react under the 


ns their way of giving 
in to the same sort of pressures? Other- 
"s the appeal of heroin to som: 
one like Johnny Winter or Eric 
people who are successful, loved, 
and rich? 

JOHN: lis just something new 
Everyone's alw 


wise, wh: 


new. Especially in America. The kids 
have done everything. sexually, drug 
wise—anything to do physically with their 
bodies—by the time they're 18. A lot of 
ids I've known say, “Well, I've done 
every sort of dope, I've been to bed with 
chicks, I've been to bed with guys—what 
am I going to do now 
PLAYBOY: е you gotien into the drug 
scene yourself? 

JOHN: I've got a completely split person- 
ality. One minute I'm up and then I just 
change like the wind. I'm just complete- 
ly unpredictable. I'd like to take LSD to 
find ош wh; 's like, but . . . it's like 
going into the unknown with a paranoid 
attitude, One half of me would love to 
do it, but the other half owns up to the 
fact that it might be a of a disaster. 
PLAYBOY: Do you think of yourself as a 
Jekylland-Hyde personality? 

1 1 took LSD, the wrong 
me might win. Anyway, I'm not interested 
in finding out about my deeper conscious- 
ness or my inner soul. I'm quite happy 
being what Lam. 
PLAYBOY: Have you ever 
ant drug experience? 
JOHN: Гуе had loads of unplea 
drinking experiences. Drinking’s just 
much of a drug as anything else—it's a 
depressant 

PLAYBOY: How heavily into drinking are 


1 an unpleis- 


Well, I've given it up for the last 
two weeks. When I'm making an album 
at Caribou, I drink a lot of wine. And I 
started drinking 100-proof liquor and 
getting really out of it—for mo reason 
whatsoever. It was a habit. Га get up 
ing all grumpy and go through spasms 
When you work supper 
clubs, you drink gallons, usually to be 
social. I used to obliterate myself. I put 
оп so much weight and there was whiskey 
ting all around my body. 

PLAYBOY: Do you still have a problem 
with your weigh 
JOHN: Yeah, I fluctuate. But ГИ never be 
really skinny, because I have a big frame. 
1 do like garbage food, | must admit. 111 
could have anything in the world changed, 
I would want to be able to just as 
much as I want without gaining weight. 
I'd love to be like Mick Jagger, all lithe 
id slim, and come out looking great. But 
I'm never going to be like that, so—let's 
have a laugh. 

PLAYBOY: WI 


mes get depressed for no 
ever, just st bed and get 
able. Usually, they're one-day 
jobs. just out of the blue. Its q 
ing. I just say, "Oh, Christ, let's get 
on to tomorrow. 

PLAYBOY: How do you deal with those 
ns? 

ake a Valium and go to sleep. Or 


e frus- 


=” 


ethe 


Em 


"Tis the season for sharing 
Scotch at its smooth and 
satisfying best... uniquely 
rich and mellow, consistent 
in quality throughout the 
world. That’s the generous 
taste of Johnnie Walker 
Red. A holiday tradition 
enjoyed since 1820. 


Enjoyment 
ou Can always 
count on. 


"PN 


Blended Scotch Whisky. 86.8 Proof. © 1975 Somerset Importers, Ltd., N.Y., N.Y. 


Taste 


of Johnnie Walker Red. 


enerous 


PLAYBOY 


70 


talk to someone on the phone who will 
make me lauglı. 

PLAYBOY: Have you done the psycho- 
analyst trip? 

JOHN: No. If you can't solve your own 
problems, then you're in a bum 
PLAYBOY: But, like everyone else, you 
must have fears—of rejection, of failure. 
JOHN: Sure. I think how, suddenly, over- 
ht. my records could stop sel In 
ngs for certain. Fm 
“This is ridiculous. It 
can't go on forever." But really. I'm quite 
ready for the time when record sales 
level off or decrease, and I know that 
around the corner the next biggest "som 
is lurking. That's what it’s all about. 
I've really only been on the top for five 
ye 
PLAYBOY: How does competition 
prospect of a new superstar 
—allect you? 

JOHN: І thrive on it. I like the struggle to 
at the top. It's what keeps me going. 
I don't begrudge anybody else his suc 
уои have to pay attention to мі 


-athe 
ound the 


Stevie Wonder can cat me for breakfast 
as far as musicanship goes. but that 

jealous or up- 
tight. I'd give anything to have his talent, 
but I'm not paranoid about it. Perhaps 
one day ГЇЇ be able to write as good a 
he does. 

ГИ admit when I wasn’t making it, T 
was a little naive and a little jealous. 
When I first played the States, T played 
second or third on the bill to other 
people. My attitude 
"m going to go on stage 
really hard for you to follow! 
PLAYBOY: Have you ever faced a hostile 
udicnce and been thrown off the stage? 
JOHN: No, I've been pretty lucky, 1 never 
ally played a hostile audience—even in 
England. It is much harder to get 
audience on your side there. They а 
more laid back and critical than ап Amer- 
ican audience. An American audience will 
just let itself go, no holds barred—w 
I love about Ameri 
steam into it, and if they don't like it, 
they'll tell you. In England, they just sit 
there and clap politely. 

PLAYBOY: What's your reaction to other 
cou у ed 
JOHN: I'm on Italy. Germ 
very cold. I think Scandinavi: 
place to play. 

PLAYBOY: Why Sc: 
JOHN: "Cause they're clean. I'd never tour 
а hot-blooded country, like Spain or Por- 
tugal. You can't get a straight answer from 
anybody there. Гус never played live in 
France. They couldn't organize a pissup 
in a brewery! Гуе had nothing but bad 
periences in France. Гуе had to do 
three taping sessions there and they've 


ny is 
the nicest 


all been disasters. The French are chic 
but too arrogant and off 
What about 
JOHN: It’s strange, because they're calm 
and receptive after each number. Then 
all of a sudden, they'll storm the stage. 
We had a riot But we just 
ried on playing with about 150 Japanese 
fans right up there onstage with us. Very 
strange, crazy people, very polite. I could 
never understand why they went to w 
because they always bow, I quite like 
Japan; the only thing is, nobody talks 


about your own country? 
How do you feel about what's happening 
in England? 

JOHN: Its fallin 
never take 


apart, The English 
nything seriously. You could 
say there's an atom bomb falling in ten 
minutes and no one would take a blind 
bit of notice, We're a very apathetic race 
who weather every storm. We have no 
esmen to lead us out of the quagmire. 
ion there is incurable and the politi- 
are useless. 

PLAYBOY: How are things different, po- 
litically, in the States? 

JOHN: There's a note of honesty crecping 
into American life alter the whole Water- 
gate thing. I'm really pleased that whole 


thing came to light through just a news- 
paper, Now, if they could only 
unravel the truth about the Kennedy as- 


ions. T try not to think much about 
U. S. politics, because all those powers and 
powers behind the powers frighten me. 
PLAYBOY: Why do so many British per- 
formers come to Ame Whats the 
it appeal? 

JOHN: 115 everybody's dream te make 
big in America. I suppose because of Elv 
Presley and all that great early rock 'n’ 
roll. When I first cime to America to play 
the Troubadour, all I wanted to do м 
go to a record store. But the great Ameri- 
is the Iure—the motels, the Holiday 
Inns. People in England just get excited 
ally. I think, for a musi 
п America is where it is at, For € 
ple. when my first album came out, I used 
to help out at a record store in England. 


1 


And even though the album was issued in 
England, people would go and buy the 
American copy, because they really be- 


lieved it would be better. Me included. 
1 would always sa have an American 
copy.” And Americans must have an Eng- 
lish v nds better. All 


jon because it sor 


was the appe: 
England? 

JOHN: Well, we were ready for it in Eng- 
land. Up until that point, the songs we 
heard there were very prim and proper. 
Then we got things like AU Shook Up. 
which, lyrically, were far and away differ- 
ent from Guy Mitchell doing Singing the 
Blues. All of a sudden you had Bill Haley 


of early 


singing Rock Around the Clock, Little 
Richard screaming on Tutti Frutti—lyri 
Шу it was a whole new ball game. It wa 
wide open; something just exploded. 

Before that, there was nothing for kids 
to identify with, especially in England. 
And all of a sudden there was a different 
a diflerent look, a different style оГ 
and the guitar became the in- 
strument. The time was just right. Same 
ihe time was right when the Beatles 
came along. Tt seems things tend to work 
in 15-усаг cycles, so I suppose we are due 
for something else now. 

PLAYBOY: Do you have any sense of wl 
or who—i lit be? Could it be you? 
JOHN: No, no, I am not trying to do it. 
Nobody knows what g to be. or 
even if it will ever come along. Thats 
the thing I find fascinating about Ше mu- 
nobody can ever predict 
what's going to happen. No one сап pre 
dict a gold album or a gold single, unless 
ivs a Led Zeppelin or a me. The unpre 
dictability of it all is quite exciting. T 
like it. Га like someone to come айю 
steaming from out of left field, 
а fortune, make it big. It would 
industry а shot in the arm. It's a bit pr 
dicttble at the moment, with the big 
names still churning out the records, but I 
think the time is right for somebody new. 
PLAYBOY: What are the chances of your 
settling down, having a family? 

JOHN: I eventually would like to have a 
family, but Гус seen so many marri 
hit the rocks. How can you 
and be gone for six months а yen? I 
had such a horrible childhood I'd want 
it to be more pleasant for my kids. 

But I can't really see myself settling 
till I'm about 33. There's a lot of 
fe left. If I settle down, Га have to 
v down, too. I'm at the top of the 
p. I'm really enjoying what m do- 
But I won't be doing Crocodile Rock 
s' time. I don't want to become 
and take a slow 
dimb down, like a lot of people do. Т 
don't want to be Chuck Berry. When Fm 
10. Т don't want to be charging around 
the countryside doing concerts. Г@ rather 
retire gracefully—get out when people 
least expect it—and live semidetached in 
England, become part of something else 
PLAYBOY: Such as? 

JOHN: My real ambition in life is to n 
enough money to retire and become c 
n of my favorite soccer team, the Wat- 
lord Football Club. It would be 
returning to the pub. i i 
ain with the people I grew up with. 
+ In reflecting back over the fan- 
tastic, fast-paced life you've led so far, do 
you have any major regrets? 

On my Madman Across the 
album, I wish I'd done more 
isc I hate them. 


dows 


Bi 
Ч 
9 


321s ONIN 


IINE 


Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined 
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health 


THE GLACIERS ARE COMING! 
THE GLACIERS ARE COMING! 


its the new ice age. the last one was a Killer and this one may be even better 


article By ROBERT ARDREY Ir 1s ancy common knowl- 


edge that since about 1960, the world's climate has been deteriorating. It is 
also commonly known that throughout history. weather has moved in cycles. 
Some can be short, such as the 11-year cycle of sunspots; some, for unex- 
plained reasons, can last for a century or two. The Danes fell victim to such 
a long cycle about 1250 a. v. The previous centuries had been so mild that the 
Danes had established their colonies even in Greenland—then aptly named— 
and pressed on with their explorations of America. But then came the switch. _ 
Pack ice pushed down from the arctic to deny further navigation and Green- 
land could no longer be reached. Western exploration was abandoned. 

| We have had no such cycle of cold since the Industrial Revolution and 
the beginnings of the present population explosion. What would happen 
today if we faced a century or two of deep winters, late springs, early frosts, 


ILLUSTRATION BY JOHN O'LEARY 


PLAYBOY 


7a 


floods 
cur with moderate regularity су 
centuries. 


and droughts? Such cycles do oc 
y few 


January 26, 1972. a group of sci 
entists repres ns aud 
many fields of study met at Brown Uni. 


versity, in Rhode Isl: 


the mee 


nd. The report of 
s drawn up by two world 
climate, George Kukla and 
R. К. Matthews, and was published in- 
conspicuously in Science later in the year. 
The subject was а chilling опе, indeed: 
Wh ad how will the present ime 
glacial end? If the authors of the Brow 
report are correct, the weather reversals 
we are currently experiencing may not be 
the resulis of a mere cycle: We may be 
the end of our intergi 
пе end may well be abrupt. 

1972, ant bit of 


arctic island. For 30 
d been free of 


Now it was permanently 
snow-covered, And photographs taken by 
weather satellites the very winter when 


it would be the worst in recent histor 
Permanent snow cover and ice pack 
creased b nd failed to melt 


12 percent 
away with the s 

According 10 wthority, in the 
past half million years. we have exp 
enced climates comparable to our own 
only ten percent of the time. I have 
n other estimates as low as five percent. 
We know that the only time there ос 
amred а period a shade warmer than the 
present was about 120,000 years ago. In 
Hawaii, on the island of Oahu, there 
coral beaches seven mete 
present sea level. The volume of past 
icis is therefore quite easily calculaied 
subtracted from the se: 
today xe 


of 


the regul 
Thus, w 


decay of unsi 
1 determine 
the Ame 


the 
ican Midwest 


isotopes. 
depth of the ice i 
10,000 years ago. And we know, because 


sea then stood higher than now, that 
about 120,000 years ago, less water than 
today was captured by the icecaps of 

land and Antarctica. We know from 
beaches at Barbados that this warm 
period Listed for probably no more th 
5000 years. Our own interglacial reached 
what is known as the 
bout 1000 в.с. Ever 
ing. 
usual 


m 
«e, it has been 
Benevolent climate 
п the past half 


n most u 
illion years. 

ose of us who have made a study ol 
the ice age have recognized that the age 
of the glaciers is not over. Civilized man 
child of the ice age as was 
We happen to inhabit a 
more gracious period. Even so, we who 


ions come 
d that what 
few thousand years 


nd go at a v 
will happen to us in 


need not press too sharply on our nerve 
ends today. The Brown report ruined that 
assumption. The Camp Century ice core 
bored in the Greenland cap showed that 
90,000 years ago, within one century, there 
was a drop in temperature that, if е 
countered today, would wipe out all the 
foodgrowing regions of temperate с 
mates, north or south. The kill would i 
clude all of Canada, most of the American 
Valley, virtually all of the 
Soviet Union, a fair part of China and Ше 
wheat-growing regions of Australia. 

“Well, that was 90.000 
les blown to 
nnounce the entrance of the king. that 
was the moment announcing the ariv 
of the Wiirm glaciation. We should all 
have studied more carefully the hasty. 


documented exit of the last glaciation to 
learn how rapidly the next one could 


accumulate, The Brown conference 
never has been an 
n hac listed. 
for more than. 10.000 years. Ours has Jast- 
са 10.000. The nous victory of warm 
over cold, about 120.000 years ago. lasted 
only 5 i pados rec 
ord, nother 5000 years or so, sea le 
1 dropped tens of met i 
a rough idea of how rapidly ice was ac- 
cumulating on the continents. About the 
same time. cold subarctic waters in the 
North extended as Lar south as 
and warmth-lovi 
shed from the Gulf 
nd Brno in 
lcaf forests were re- 


re- 
ге 


els 


one 


ton sper 
Mexico, 


placed by graslands, the grasslands by 
dust, torrents and badlands, In Greece, 
the cial forest was replaced by 


land. 


centuries. 


The general conclusion 
that if we eventually h 
then the worst would be a long time com- 
ing. Optimistically. the end of our inter- 
glacial might be 2000 years away. By that 
time, we probably should have submitted 
ourselves to nuclear hilation, exhaust- 
ed our natural resources, so poisoned our 
environment th ife became untenable, 
so overcrowded it that life became unen- 
durable. A mere ice sheet could represent 
nothing but novelty to doomsday philoso- 
phies and lend, in wuh, a certain spice 
to our less glorious meditations. But what 
the crisis came sooner rather than lates 
Nothing in the Brown evidence indi 
that the change would necessarily 
grad The ice core in Greenland 
dicated what could happen in 100 ye 
the rapid retreat of the last ice sheet 
demonstrated quite simply that nature 

a charge. What could happen in 2000 
years could happen tomorrow, 

The Brown meeting received little at- 

i aps because its repe 
movements of the armadillo 
the popular press while turning olf re- 
sponsible authorities. A Nebraska special- 


Bı 
4 to face the worst, 


own was 


the warmib-loving beast 

xico into the Ameri 
п Midwest by mid-century and was now 
ack Mexico way. For the press. 
it was good fun. For the student of (he 
age, the migration perturbi 
warmih-loving species had st: 
south soon after the Clima 
6000 years ago. 


ed headin 
Optimun 


the 


Before 


all present. conste, 


1 had 


ion 
been dis. 


ailure in the Rus m. 
Half of the Soviet population could feed 
the other half only in good years. (During 
the year following the disastrous winter 
of the Brown meeting, the cagey Russians 
bought the Americans out of wheat and 
home.) Much earlier, however, when the 
shrewd peasant Khrushchev be 
ber one, he had inaugurated the d 
scheme of converting thousands of square 
les of Siberian lands to grain fields. Ad- 
niuedly, the land was marginal. But the 
experience of the previous half century 
gav Soviet Union every 


th 
suppose that in any te 


10 


y 
get two crop failures, two 
six bumper crops. The virg 
wo which the Sovi 


years and 
ids scheme. 


countered wors ing. It matured 
about 1960 to witness crop failures 
1962, 1963, 1964, 1965 and 1966. When 
that bold and amiable despot suddenly 
became an unperson in 1961, he was a 
victim as much of clim ol conspiracy. 
Reid Bryson, director of the Institute 
for Environmental Studies at the Uni 
versity of Wisconsin, has written that the 
Mury preceding 1960 has had no 
1 or near equal, in terms of bencvo 
‚ in 1000 years. Even the armadillo 
ticked into going north. Under- 
) is presumed that the 
next half century would resemble the Last. 
1 so embarked om their vast scheme. 
timc of explo- 
is ours. Nor, 
0 a... when the crash came, 
was there a global problem of feeding 
three and а half billion people. 
One of Bryson’s contributions has been 
t à small change 
1 temperature can do to a 
crop. In Iceland, a drop of one degree cc 
de (1.8 degrees Fahrenheit) shortens 
the growing season by two weeks, But th: 
nor the іші exte 
the cooler growing days pr less 
growth. The actual crop damage is 27 per- 
cent. This is approximately w 
pened since 1960. Compe! 
arranged: More land 
more fertilizer applied, 
planted. But let the ave 
drop by 24 degrees centigrade 
damage will be doubled to 54 percent. 
(continued on page NU) 


back i 


an be cultivated. 
hardier crops 


“Merry Christmas, darling. I've had a vasectomy!” 


| 


А НЕ WOR 


how do you make it 
through the night? here's 
what some prominent 
people do when they feel 
really bummed out 
symposium 

COMPILED 

GY ROBERT KERWIN 


Jack Nicholson Actor 


I пу not to pick up the 
newspaper much. 


John Maher 
President of Delancey Street 


There's only one thing in 
America you can lean on, and 
that's to fight the bastards. 

I think a lot of good will 
come out of the Seventies. It’s 
good that Americans have been 
shocked, because, hopelully, 
we'll realize that its time to 
fight. Our time for going to 
Las Vegas and playing house 
and pulling on our fucking 
peckers—you know, thinking 
that everything is cute and 
fun—well, that's all gone, it's 
all over. 

‘What I Jean my hopes on is 
that this setback will give the 
middle class a good smack in 
the face—like you give a hys- 
teric. Not kill him but bring 
him back down to earth and 
let him say, “Whoa, wait a 
minute, what the fuck is going 
on here?” 


Joan Baez Folk Singer 


What do I do for an outlet? 
What do I do to get the frus- 
trations out? First I send my 
angry telegrams off to the Presi- 
dent or whoever and try to 
make them slightly humorous. 
But for me to feel better, I go 
dancing—whatever kind of 
dancing is current and avail- 
able—mostly rock 'n’ roll. I go 
to а discothöque, where the 
music is really loud and non- 
stop, and the lights are low and 
you can dance. I dance by my- 
self or with anybody who's will- 
ing to dance with me, and ГІ 
dance and dance until dawn. 


Stan Kenton Bandleader 


I don't ever get the blues. I 
don't know why—maybe I'm 
dumb. Things aren't so bad. I 
realize that America is not the 
same as it was some years ago, 
but it'll get back on the track. 
I was proud of President Ford 
when he sent in the Marines to 
get back the Mayaguez, and I 
can just imagine when he 
called the Chiefs of Staff and. 
said, "Go get that ship and 
get the crew out of there." I can 
imagine the Chiefs of Staff said, 
"Yes, sir!” And they went out 
and got 'em! And the President 
said, “Do a few retaliatory 
things," and they blew up about 
eight ships. Now, that’s more 
like my America. Thank God. 


Rod Steiger Actor 


I'm lucky. 1 can always es 
cape into a fictitious life of 
another character. What I ac- 
tually do is hope I can get a 
good game of tennis. Im also 
lucky because I live on the 
beach, and sometimes when 
you're gloomy, you can just 
stand out in front of your 
house and give a long. loud 
scream toward the ocean, and 
you feel a hell of a lot better. 


Norman Lear 
TV Producer (“АП іп the 
Family," et al.) 


Heavy question. 1 don't 
think 1 could look forward to 
tomorrows in which I didn't 
believe. Things don't get me 
down a lot, because I'm the 
twin who finds a pony in the 
shit there someplace, 


Lawrence Welk Bandleader 


Hatha, well, I have my own 
way of doing things. 1 don't 
necessarily follow the PLAYBOY 
magazinc, because I'm afraid 
to look at it. 

Basically, I think we have 
become a permissive society, 
out of balance many ways, and 
I think that the worst thing 
that we have done is that we 
have belittled God's laws. 

When things weigh heavily 
on my mind, we do everything 
we can. The most wonderful 
thing that has happened to us 
is that we've managed to kecp 
our mother-and-father audi- 
ence, the family audience. And 
today, more young folks are 
coming over to us than ever 
before. 1 saw the thing coming 
on and I still sce it coming on. 
I'm a great believer in the 
old-fashioned principles and 
they're what I stick by in hard 
times like these. 


Rodney Dangerfield 
Comedian 


How do I make it through? 
Well, put it down like this: 
Sometimes 1 don't make it 
through. because for me life 
isn’t easy. To me, life is just a 
bowl of pits. 

How can 1 bè happy? The 
other night, I thought to myself 
about my life: From this point 
on, if I take excellent care of 
myself, IH get very sick and die, 


Charles O. Finley 
Owner, Oakland A's 


That's a question no one 
cam answer without giving it 
some thought. I can't answer a 
question like that right now. 
Why don't you write your 
question, and then 1 can an- 
swer it intelligently? I don't 
want any of that other garbage. 
Write your question and ГЇЇ 
send you an answer. 


DN 


Dr. Paul Ehrlich 
Biologist, Author of 
“The Population Bomb” 


I am extremely depressed 
‚about the way things are going 
in the country, particularly the 
unchanging stupidity of our 
leadership. The same old 
people who got us into the 
Vietnam mess—pcople like 
Ford and Kissinger and Ros- 
tow—are still being looked 
to as people whose opinions 
should be valued and ‘who 
seem in theory to know where 
the country ought to go. I'm 
also depressed by the total lack 
of grasp of what our ecologi- 
cal problems are all about, 
what the energy problem is all 
about, and so forth. 

"Though I find it all depress- 
ing, 1 don't think I've lost my 
sense ol humor, and I find that 
drinking helps. Drinking and 
my sensc of humor are my 
crutches today. I drink a lot of 
wine, and that's véry ecologi- 
егі: You keep your internal 
environment in good shape 
while the external goes grad- 
ually down the drain. 


Irving “Swifty” Lazar 
Literary Agent for Richard 
Nixon, Among Others 


When I'm depressed, Y just 
go to the bank and count my 
money. I find that nothing 
pisses me off so much as any- 
body who has a loaf of bread un- 
der his arm and is on his way to 
the Bank of America, crying. 


хе Vo 
F. Lee Bailey Attorney 

Frankly, the nights aren't 
pleasant. There are just too 
many damn pieces of trouble 
floating around. What I do is 
go out to a night dub, have 
about three more Scotches than 
1 ordinarily schedule and listen 
to a singer who turns me on. 
"That's one cop-out. Another is 
to light a fire in the indoor 
swimming pool and just float 
around as i£ the external world 
were going to go away. An- 
other great escape from all this 
gloom is to get a client in 
the Babamas: quiet, beautiful, 
white sand, no people. Get 
down there and sit in the sun 
for a couple of days and you 
almost feel like new. 

The other thing is to keep 
punching. 


een 


Liberace Entertainer 


Im depressed easily by bad 
news, so I try to avoid it. I 
don't live in а make-believe 
world or anything—I'm aware 
of what's going on, but I don't 
dwell on it. When things are 
dismal, I work harder. These 
are supposed to be difficult 
times, right? According to what 
everyone says, if you read news- 
papers and watch the news- 
casts. But I've had so far my 
greatest year, attendancewise, 
box-officewise. 


Lily Tomlin Entertainer 


I consult very young chil- 
dren for advice, 


Robert Mitchum Actor 


I remember the Thirties, 
From there on, you got it made. 


Alice Cooper Entertainer 


ГИ tell you the truth: Any- 
body that hasn't been outside 
of the United States—in other 
words, in Europe or Japan or 
something like that—at ‘four 
o'clock in the morning in those 
places, you cannot get а pizza. 

ГІ tell you the truth: I be- 
lieve in alcohol. I really do. 
What also brings me up is if I 
get to a Holiday Inn and the 
menu is different. Silly little 
things like that are important. 
Doesn't that sound awful? It's 
reality, though. 


Redd Foxx Entertainer 


PLAYBOY ain't got any reason 
to be depressed, they doin' finc. 
‘The best. I'm on top now, so if 
PLAYBOY wants to question me, 
they can put some money in 
the hand. 


Jim "Catfish" Hunter 
Pitcher, New York Yanhees 


I don't feel like answering, 
but I'll answer anyway. I'm not 
depressed at all. Nope, I'm not 
depressed at all. I keep up my 
spirits by meeting new people 
all tlie time. I think it's meet- 
ing new people that keeps me 
going. That and traveling. I 
like everything fine. I'm doing 
all right. Yes, sir. 


Ray Bradbury Author 


For Chrissake, what's all this 
talk about? Goddamn it, we 
got rid of a President we hated, 
right? And we've changed our 
foreign policy, we've gotten out 
of Vietnam. We should have 
gotten the fuck out of that 
country a long time ago. 7 feel 
great! I'm celebrating all the 
time! I never approved of the 
Vietnamese, I don't care if 
they die tomorrow, I don't give 
a damn about Korea. We're 
getting out of all those coun- 
tries. Wuuuuuuunderful! This 
is one person who's very proud 
of us for having enough guts, 
finally, to turn our back and 
walk away. 

I never get depressed and I 
never get spooked and I never 
get frightened. I'm an activist. 
I never escape; I just attack. 
I get angry and I go out and 
kick someone in the balls. 


Telly Savalas Actor 


Well, you just opened up a 
fuckin’ can of beans there. It’s 
an open-ended question. Suf- 
fice to say that nobody's per- 
fect; but you show me a country 
that’s better. I've traveled the 
world, and Iet me tell you, 
baby, we're riding the crest of 
the wave. 

When I'm depressed, I do 
the opposite of getting away 
from what's bothering me. I 
face it head on. If it means 
retreating in order to be pen- 
sive and thoughtful, all right. 
ГИ do that. But I certainly 
wont run away. Head on, 
baby—the only way I know. 


Bill Graham 
Roch Entrepreueur 


My crutch has always been 
success. I always go back to it. 
Andinour American way of life, 
success means becoming number 
one. Success: adulation, power, 
money, whatever it is, I gained 
it. People whispering. Hey. 
that's Bill Graham! 

"The newspaper isn't a news- 
paper anymore. 105 cement. 
105 a weight. You pick it up: 
“48 KILLED IN PLANE CRASH,” 
"SAIGON FALLS," "AGNEW FUCKS 
PERLE MESTA.” And once in а 
while they write good news: 
“SIAMESE TWINS SPLIT SUCCESS- 
FULLY." It's very sad, but I got 
to be honest with you; I'm not 
as good a citizen as I could be, 
1 guess. But where do you go? 
Do you fight for the agricul- 
ture, do you fight for the old 
people, do you fight for better 
streets, do you fight for more 
trees, do you fight for better 
schools? I do what I can. But 
when there's so much wrong 
around you, I think what a lot 
of people say to themselves is: 
Fuck it, I'm going to take care 
of my own and try to live as 
good as possible. 


Jann Wenner 
Editor of Rolling Stone 


I made a lengthy study of 
the bummer issue beginning in 
the late Sixties. As an avant- 
garde rock-n"xoller, of course, 
I had been combating depres- 
sion, the blues and a general. 
dragged-out feeling back even 
then before it was popular. I 
see the current struggle for 
happiness as a vindication of 
our early efforts. 

I explored many blind al- 
leys. Picketing the blues didn't 
work. Organizing mass demon- 
strations brought no response. 
We seized the cerebellum, but 
our nonnegotiable demands 
were rejected with contempt. 
Finally, 1 took up a media 
campaign to expose and dis- 
credit depression wherever it 
had gotten a foothold, and I 
feel this will ultimately prove 
to be effective on some levels, 
If it’s been only partially suc- 
cessful, I have only myself to 
blame, because for the last dec- 
ade 1 have usually been ripped 
to the tits on laughing gas. 

lve never had to rely on 
crutches, fortunately, but it 
looks like ГЇЇ have to start, now 
that our source of Southeast 
Asian dope has dried up. 


Joe DiMaggio 
Former Baseball Player 

What I do is go huntin' and 
fishin’, I can't do anything else 
about anything. What the hell, 
I'm no politici 


John Huston 
Film Director-Actor 


Well, not to describe my 
ovn nights, ha-ha-ha, but, ah, 
well, I make it through them 
very nicely, thank you. PLAYBOY 
might be interested in that, 
ha-ha-ha. 

Each time there's an exposé 
in the newspapers of something 
that I've smelled for a long 
time, I think we're just that 
much closer to getting at the 
truth and cleaning the scourge. 
Knowing what the disease is is 
the first step in curing it. 

When I want to change my 
mood from bad to good, the 
thing that I've done over the 
years is get on a horse's back 
and go fox hunting. 


Jack Yogman 
President of Joseph E. Seagram 
& Sons, Inc. 


I try to keep my sanity in 
two ways: I travel about half 
the time, and as you travel, 
you get entirely different view- 
points about America than you 
do if you stay here. You rec 
ognize that Americans aren't 
the only people having prob- 
lems. We have ours, but many 
other countries have theirs. Al- 


so, there's the fact that Sea- 
gram's overall curve is going 
up. There has been a general 
trend toward lightness in drink 
for many years—toward vodka, 
toward less taste and flavor. 
But now there scems to be a 
reversal setting in: the growth 
of tequila, which is a very 
strong drink. Of course, Sea- 
gram's is into tequila, too. 
We're into everything. Things 
are OK, As far as the general 
economy here and abroad, 1 
think there'll be a turnaround 
probably in early 776. How- 
ever, it may lead to another, 
more serious inflation, and 
then lm afraid we're іп for 
the worst depression in the 
history of the world. 


Blaze Starr Striptease Dancer 


I work and save, because I 
know there's a depression 
comin’. Sometimes I get de- 
pressed and 1 won't Jook at a 
newspaper or watch the news 
on television for a weck. I can 
sce a depression comin’. 1 ге. 
member when 1 was іше, it 
was right after the Depression 
and 1 know how things got. 
And that'll never happen to 
me again. 

When I find myself wanti 
to get away from it all occasion- 
ally, I go back to West Vir- 
ginia and face reality, and look 
around me and count my bless- 
ings for what I can go out and 
do. Then I hit the road again 
and work like hell. 


Joe Louis 
Former Prize Fighter 


l dowt see nothin' what's 
wrong, nothin too much 
wrong. Recently, though, I was 
quite surprised to have the 
United States of America have 
the Mafia do things for them, 
you know. That's terrible, I 
think. That CIA thing. I'm 
surprised at the country; we're 
stoopin’ pretty low to do things 
like that, you know? 

To escape bad feclin's, oh, I 
don't know, I just stay home 
and stay in bed 


Professor Irwin Corey 
Entertainer. 


Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, that’s a good 
question. Well, ıhat question 
“How do I make it through 
the day?" let alone the eve- 
ning, in relation to the aspects 
of fulfillment on the basis 
of the discouraging depressed 
horizon which seems 10 per- 
meate not only the 49 states on 
the continent but the areas 
outside of our orbit. Allow me 
to at least develop a certain 
defense against the machina- 
tions of the aforementioncd 
tributaries which seem to stem. 
from the basic fundamentals, 
which are rudimentary. This 
does not mean that one ` 


has to acclimatc or even to com- 
municate with the cerebellum 
which is a necessary ingredi- 
ent in order to activate one to 
find some kind of relationship 
whereby we can absolve our- 
selves from any association or 
even indulgence. Outside of 
that, I think it’s necessary to 
have a prerequisite, 

Well, what I do when I'm 
distressed, I accept the elixir of 
Egypt, which is a God-given 
herb which cannot be grown by 
passing legislation. It grows 
without legislation. Sometimes 
1 involve myself with people 
who are more depressed than 
me, and we can communicate 

on the level of grief, 
sorrow and despair. 


PLAYBOY 


80 


GLACIERS ARE COMING! 


For this there can be no compensation. It 


But a climate expresses its deterioration 
cooling. The spread of 
the poles toward the eq 
has the effect of increasing the dispa 
what is usually called steeper 
idient—berween climate belts. It is the 
reverse of what ied when the last 
great ice sheet so suddenly retreated. Nor- 
mal w © ше prevaili 
westerlies shift their 
courses, crea 
there. In 

stations in 


jous 
it was dis- 


northwest I 


covered that before 1920. over a period 
that might truly be regarded as norn 
dry ycar with less than 
fall had the 


probability of occurri 


fell to one every 14 y ave all 
with wl happened to Indi: 
those 40 Ido 
upghrexpectancy figures for 
ice 1960, it is Fair to ask what 
happens to India now if 
turn to normal. We do not have to ask 
what has happened to the peoples of the 
Sahel states bordering the Sahara. 

As I find it understandable that the 
wiet Union could not know what lay 
head when the virgin lands were pl 
I find it understandable that wh 
pening to our climate is a matter of con- 
troversy today. It has all happened so 
There are those who sec the 
of our atmosphere as 
utor. Surprisingly. Bryson 


hong 1 find Ше opposite 
judgment le. since we suffered 
such sudde changes lon 
hefore smokestacks. tever industry's 


many-spl as. the experience of 
the Danes cannot be one of them. Bry- 
likewise discounts the Ruklas study 
sed albedo, which 1 l most 
persuasive, 

Our planet's heat comes almost ei 
tirely from the sun. Albedo is the reflec- 
tion of sunlight [rom the carth's surface 
with its consequent loss of heat. Calm 
ocean reflects back only five to ten per- 
cent, vegetated ground perhaps 15 to 20 
percent, But pack ice and snow-covered 
land act like a mirror, reflecting about 80 
percent of received sunlight ba 
terplanetary space, with almost te 
kind of chain reacti 
The winter of 
ple, increased the perm 
ice and snow cover by 12 percent, in- 
creasing the heat loss through albedo pro- 
portionately. A situation ted that 
made all the more likely comparable win- 
ters in following years, each with comp: 
ble 
major gl 
idly. Bryso 


s 


acreases of albedo- So it is ıl 


ution can come about so r 
disagrecs not at all with thc 


(continued from page 74) 


the shift from intergla- 
Ito glacial climate occurs probably with- 
in a single century or so. 

There will be other arguments, since 
we know so little. The critical century 
may be the one we are entering, and we 
must shudder. Or we may be entering a 
cold cycle of long duration, such as we 
another long step 
h a reprieve still to come. We 
suffered such an experience, 
however, since world population passed a 
again, we may be lucky 
ind get back to normal. But since what we 
normal has occurred only once in 
the past 1000 years, the odds scem poor. 
Changes of climate move in no straight 
line, and two or three excellent seasons 
with excellent crops can be cnough to 
brush away from our minds the seemingly 
absurd fears of the scientists. Yet a good 
season or two will not affect the long- 
term trend. 


have survived. before, 


I can understand and admire the hope 
that invests us. But what I can neither 
understand пог forgive is the opportun- 


al 


as was expressed duri 


ious leaders, such 
g 1974 at Bucha- 
rest and at Rome. claiming that the pop- 
ulation explosion is a myth and 
population control is a genocidal plot on 
the part of the imperialist powers to re- 
duce the numbers in impoverished coun- 
tries for whom the rich would otherwise 
be responsible. When i а П 
the ail. and again а 
the great northern fields of wheat and 
maize and soybean shrink before the on- 


ism of pol d rel 


«dig mass graves. 
п self-delusion 


d opportu 
s that none can longer 
afford, then a bit late we shall see our- 
selves in evolution's long perspective. The 
cultural ani fallen into a biologi 
trap. Within the first 5000 years alter 
our supreme invention, the domestication 
of plant foods with its huge expansion of 
ү. we had produced more hu- 
could ev turn co the 


become luxu 


S that they could be supported even 
foods in only the best. 
the aberrant 


most 


d death, But the prospect is most 
nt. 

li Homo 
vulnerable, unsophisticated hunting being 
who stumbled out of пага and his 
ids onto fields and pastures whe! 


ilized being 
and, feeling 


wonder. I can only wish that he had cre- 
ated a God better informed concerning 
the nature of the ice арх 

There is a question that must concern 
us now, since iL must concern us m 
t some future date. Just how will 
will one human being sacrifice his own 
interests for another? Strict Darwinism 
уз never—except in terms of reproduc- 
tion. The mother, and occasionally the 
father, will boast genetical equipment 
necessary for the survival of the next gen- 
eration. Beyond that, forget it. 

1 was unconvinced. In The Territorial 

Imperative, | put forward the concept 
that I called the тігу complex 
ity is scarce in the world of 
ig beings. But when adults 
common enemy, amity is generated in 
pproximate equivalent to threat, I could 
think of ble examples, both 
mal And I included natu 
val hazard as a uniting force, recalling 
those countless experiences of sudder 
amity, remarkable selfsacrifice, that cin 
occur when human strangers encounter 
the flood or the blizzard. 
Jy argument did not go down too well 
with those who, following the Rousseau 
ition. believe that generosity, amiabil- 
goodness are a portion of the р 
endowment. (Whether these 
people have ever read history or raised a 
few children still bewilders me.) The biol- 
ogists, on the whole, accepted the amity- 
y complex as in accord with 
inian devotion to sell-interest. But 
in The Social Contract, 1 moved on 
genetical fixation of altru- 
isic traits, which I believed could have 
in the long history of our 
hunti d interdependent hunt 
ing societies. Though the chimp. threat- 
ened. might take to his arboreal refuge 
even before ale fellows to danger. 
we in our terrestrial life could not. As a 
group. we lived or died according 10 the 
igniess of individual males or females 
er. In the millions of years 
iust have been a discarding of those 
iduals were unwill 
се. 


come 


there 
roups 
ing to accept self-sic 
Ww g was group selec 
tion, the survival value to Ihe group of 
such а genetical factor in the gene pool 
While I recognized that group selection 
a matter of controversy in biology, until 
I published my book I did not know just 
how hot the controversy was. Some biolo- 
gists supported me. But ncluding 
some for whom I live the highest respect, 
ve me the whip. Nothing—not even in 
the most farout population genetics— 
confirmed the assertion that айги 
could have a genetical foundation. I held 
fast in my thinking. Concerning the ge 
y of species, I did not intend to en 
the debates of population gen 
for which I was quite uncquipped. 
(continued on pag 


ї 1 was discus 


s 


nost, 


ists 
My 
^) 


en By VLADIMIR NABOKOV 


SIE 


the sound was long and loud, shattering a happy moment 


SEVEN YEARS HAD PASSED since he and she had parted in Petersburg. God, what a crush there had 
been at the Nikolaevsky Station! Don't stand so dose—the train is about to start. Well, here 
we go, goodbye, dearest. . . . She walked alongside, tall, thin, wearing a raincoat, with a black- 
and-white scarf around her neck, and a slow current carried her off backward. A Red Army recruit, 
he took part, reluctantly and confusedly, in the Civil War. Then, one beautiful night, to the 
ecstatic stridulation of prairie crickets, he went over to the Whites. A year later, in 1920, not 
long before leaving Russia, on the steep, stony Chainaya Street in Yalta, he ran into his uncle, 
а Moscow lawyer. Why, yes, there was news—two leuters, She was leaving for Germany and already 


ILLUSTRATION BY FRANZ ALTSCHULER. 


PLAYBOY 


82 


had obtained a passport. You look fine, 
young And at last Russia let go of 
him—a permanent leave, according to 
some. Russia had held him for a long 
с: he had slowly slithered down from 
north to south, and Russia kept tryin 
to keep him in her grasp. with the 
of Tver, Kharkov, Belgorod and v 
nteresting little villages, but it was no 
use. She had store for him one 
temptation, one last gilt—the СІ 
but even that did not help. He left. And 
on board the ship he m: 
ance of a young English 
and an athlete, who was on his w 
Afri 
Nikolay visited Africa, and Italy па 
for some reason the Canary Islands, and 
п. where he served for a 
ign Legion. At first he 
rely, then a 


a jolly chap 
to 


issumed there was 
hungry there. But how quickly t 
sed! Am 


grown 
то! x fi 


and had 
and E 
become lighter and their expression more 
candid, owing 10 the smooth rustic tan 
that covered his face, Не smoked a pipe. 
His walk, which had always had the solid- 
tic of shortlegged. people, 


bout him had not changed at all 
laugh, accompanied by à quip and 
twinkle. 

He had quite a time, chuck 
ing his head, before he fi 
decided to drop everything and by е 
e his way to Berlin. On опе 
occision—at a newsstand. somewhere in 


Italy—he noticed an émigré Russian. pa- 
per, published in Berlin. He wrote to Ше 
paper to place an advertisement. under 


э seeks Soznd.So. He 
he 


Personal: Sa 
got no reply. On a side шір to Cor 


met a fellow Russian, the old journalist 


rushevski, who was leaving for Be 
Make inquiries on my behalf. Perhaps 
you'll find her. Tell her I am alive and 
well... 
any news, either. Now it was high 


But this source did not bring, 


ne to 


take Berlin by storm, ‘There, on the spot, 
the search would be si 
lot of trouble obt: 


зріє. He hud a 
ig а German. уйа 
and he was running out of funds. Oh 
well, he would get there one way or 
anothe 

And so he 
and a checked cap, short 


. Wearing a trench c 
nd broad- 


shouldered, with a pipe between his 
teeth and a battered valise in his good 
hand, he exited onto the square іш front 


of the station. Ther 


c he stopped to ad- 
ht adverti 


inched its way through the darkness, 
then vanished and started again from 
another point. He spent а bad night in 
a stuffy room in a cheap hotel, trying 
to think of ways to begin the search. 
The address bureau. the office of the 
Russian-language newspaper. . . . Seven 
years. She must really have aged. It was 
rotten of him to have waited so long; 
he could have come sooner. But ah. those 
years. that stupendous roaming about the 
world, the obscure. ill-paid jobs. chances 
tiken and chucked, the excitement. of 
freedom. the freedom he had dre: 
of in childhood! . . . It was pure | 
London.... And here he was again: a 
new city. a suspiciously itchy leather bed 
and the screech of а late tram. He groped 
for his matches and with a habitual move- 
ment of his index stump begin pres 
the soft tobacco into the pipe bowl. 
When traveling the way he did, you 
forget the names of time; they are 
aowded out by those of places. In the 
morning. when Nikolay went out intend- 
to go to the po the 
s were down on all the shop fronts. 
It wa uch for 
the address bu and the newspaper. 
It was ako windy weather, 
asters in the public gardens, à sky of 
white, yellow trees, yellow trams, 
the nasal honking of rheumy 
chill of excitem e over him at the 
ides that he w the same town as 
she. A 50-pfen bought him a 
glass of port ii ers’ bar, and 
the wine on mpty stomach had 
pleasant effect. Here and. there. 
streets, there came a sprinkling of Rus- 
ian speech: "Skol'ko raz ya tebe govorila?” 
("How many times have I told y 
again, after the passage ol several 


ice station. 


tives: 
“He's willing to sell Шет to те, but 


frankly. I... .” The excitement made 
him chuckle and finish each pipeful much 
more quickly than usual. “Seemed to be 
gone, but now Grisha’s down with it, 
too. . . ." He considered going up to 
the next pair of Russians and asking, 
very politely: "Do you know, by any 
chance, Kind, born Countess Ka 
ski?” They must all know one another 


in this bit of provincial Russia gone 
astray. 
lt was the 


light had 
huge depart- 


twilight, a beautiful tai 
filled the glassed tiers of 
ment store when Nikolay noticed, on 
onc ol the sides of a [ront door, a small 
white sigu that read: 1. 5. WEINER, DENTIS! 
FROM PETROGRAD, An unexpected recollec- 
tion virtually scalded him. This fine 
friend of owrs is pretty well decayed and 
must go. In the window, right in front 
of the torture seat, inset glass photographs 
isplayed Swiss landscapes... . The 
window gave ошо Moika Sucet. Rinse, 


please. And Dr. Weiner, a fat placid, 
white-gowned old man in perspicacious 


glasses. sorted his t 
She used to go to hi 
so did his cousins, 


g instruments. 
m for treatment, and 
xd they even used 
when they quarreled 
other, “How would 
you like a Weiner" (a punch in the 
mouth). Nikolay dallied in front of the 
door. on the point of ringing the bell. 
membering it was Sunday: he thought 
some more and ring anyway. There was 
a buzzing in the lock and the door gave. 
He went up one flight. A maid opened 
the door. “No, the docor is not receiving 
today 

“My teeth are fine,” 
in very poor German. "Dr. We 
old Ir 
Г sure he remembers ше... 

"TII tell him,” said the maid. 
a middi 
1 jacket came out 
у. He had a сатоу со 


to say to each other 
for some reason ot 


objected Nikolay 
acr is an 


A moment 


plexion acd exnemely friendly 
Alter tul greeting. he added 
n Russian, "I don't remember you, 


there must be 


looked 


though 
Nik 


ized: 
her. 


I was expecting to find the Dr. Wi 
who lived on Moika Sweet in Petersburg 
before the Revolution but got the wrong 


one. Sorry 

"Oh, that must be a namesake of 
mine. A co ke. | lived on 
Zagovoduy Avenue.” 


Ш used to go to him.” expla 
nd, well, I thought, .. . 
see, Tm trying to locate a certain 
a Madame Kind: that’s the name of I 
second husband—" 

Weiner bit his lip. looked away with 
expression, then addressed him 
it a minute . . . 1 seem to 
|... I scem to recall a Madame 
| who came to sce me here not 
nd was also under the im- 


long 
pression Well know for sure in 


a minute. Be kind enough to step into 
ту offic 
Ihe office remained a blur in Nikolay's 
vision. He did not take his eyes olf 
Weiner's impeccable ies as the latter 
bent over his appointment book 
“Well know for sure in a minui 
he repeated. running his fingers across 
the pages. “We'll know for sure in just 


a minute, We'll know in just. . . . Here 
we arc. Frau Kind. Gold filling and 
some other work—which I c аке 


a blot he 
the fist name and parro- 
nymic?” asked Nike pproaching the 
table and almost knocking olf an ashtray 
өші, 

's in the book, too. Olga Kiril- 


out: thea 


"Leonardo thinks he's such a genius. Wait till he finds out he 
still has to invent the brake!" 


PLAYBOY 


84 


his lips and rapidly copied the address 
on a separate slip. "Second street from 
here. Here you are. Very happy to be 
of service. Is she a relative of yours?" 

“My mother,” replied Nikolay. 

Coming out of the dentist's, he pro- 
ceeded with a somewhat quickened step 
ing her so easily astonished him like 
d trick. He had never paused to 
think, while traveling to Berlin, that she 
might long since have died or moved to 
a different city, and yet the trick had 
worked. Weiner had turned out to be 
a different Weiner—and yet fate found 
a way. Beautiful city, beautiful rain! (The 
pearly autumn drizzle seemed to fall in 
a whisper and the streets were dark.) 
How would she greet him—tenderly? 
Sadly? Or with complete calm? She had 
not spoiled bim as a child. You are for- 
bidden to run through the drawing room 
while I am playing the piano. As he 
grew up, he would feel more and more 
frequently that she did not have much 
use for him. Now he wied to picture 
her face, but his thoughts obstinately re- 
fused to take on color and he simply 
could not gather in a living optical image 
what he knew in his mind: her tall, thin 
figure with that loosely assembled look 
about her dark hair with streaks of 
gray at the temples; her large, pale 
mouth; the old raincoat she had on the 
last time he saw her; and the tired, bitter 
expression of an aging woman, that 
seemed to have always been on her face— 
even before the death of his father, Ad- 
miral Galatov, who had shot himself 
shortly before the Revolution. Number 
51. Eight houses more. 

He suddenly realized that he was un- 
endurably, indecently perturbed, much 
more so than he had been, for example, 
that first time when he lay pressing his 
sweat-drenched body against the side of 
a diff and aiming at an approaching 
whirlwind, a white scarecrow on a splen- 
did Arabian horse. He stopped just short 
of number 59, took out his pipe and 
a rubber tobacco pouch; stuffed the bowl 
slowly and carefully, without spilling a 
single shred; lit up, coddled the flame, 
drew, watched the fiery mound swell, 
gulped a mouthful of sweetish, tongue- 
prickling smoke. carefully expelled it and 
with a firm, unhurried step walked up 
to the house 

‘The stairs were so dark that he stum- 
bled a couple of times. When, in the 
dense blackness, he reached the second- 
floor landing, he struck a match and made 
ош a gilt name plate. Wrong name. It 
was only much higher that he found 
the odd name sans. The flamelet burned 
his fingers and went out. God, my heart 
is pounding. . . . He groped for the bell 
in the dark and rang. Then he removed 
the pipe from between his teeth and 
began waiting, feeling an agonizing smile 
rend his mouth. 

Then he heard a lock, a bolt make a 


double resonant sound, and the door, as 
if swung by a violent wind, burst open. 
It was just as dark in the anteroom as 
on the 
floated a vibrant, joyful voice. 
lights are out in the whole buile 
oozhas. it’s appalling 
ognized at once that long emphatic “oo” 
and on its basis instantly reconstructed 
down to the most minute feature the 
person who now stood, still concealed by 
darkness, in the doorway. 

“Sure, can't see a thing,” he said with 
a laugh and advanced toward her. 

Her cry was as startled as if a strong 
hand had struck her. In the dark, he 
found her hands, and shoulders, and 
bumped against something (probably the 
umbrella stand). “Мо, no, it’s not possi- 
ble . . ." she kept repeating rapidly as 
she backed away. 

"Hold still, Mother, hold still for a 
minute," he said, hitting something again 
(this time it was the half-open front door, 
which shut with a great slam). 

"It can't Бе... Nicky, Nik" 

He was kissing her at random, on the 
checks, on the hair, everywhere, unable 
to see anything in the dark but with 
some interior vision recognizing all of 
her from head to toe, and only one thing 
about her had changed (and even this 
novelty unexpectedly made him recall 
his earliest childhood, when she used to 
play the piano)—the strong, elegant smell 
of perfume, as if those intervening years 
had not existed, the years of his adoles- 
cence and her widowhood, when she no 
longer wore perfume and faded so sorrow- 
fully—it scemed as if nothing of that 
had happened and he had passed straight 
from distant exile into childhood. . . . 
“It's you. You've come. You're really 
here .. ." she prattled, pressing her soft 


s, and out of that darkness 
"The 


lips against him. “It’s good. . . . This 
is how it should һе...” 
“Isn't there any light anywhere?" 


Nikolay inquired cheerfully. 

She opened an inner door and said 
excitedly, “Yes, come on. I've lit some 
candles there." 

"Well, let me look at you," he said, 
entering the flickering aura of candlelight 
and gazing avidly at his mother. Her dark 

4 been bleached a very light 
like shade. 

“Well, don't you recognize me?" she 
asked, with a nervous intake of breath, 
then added hurriedly, “Don’t stare at me 
like that. Come on, tell me all the news! 
What а tan you have . . . my goodness! 
Yes, tell me everything!” 

That blonde bob. . . . And her face 
was made up with excruciating care. The 
moist streak of a tear, though, had eaten 
through the rosy paint, and her mascara- 
laden lashes were wet, and the powder 
on the wings of her nose had turned 
violet. . . . She was wearing a glossy blue 
dress closed at the throat. And everything 


about her was unfamiliar, restless and 
frightening. 

"Yowre probably expecting company, 
Mother." observed Nikolay, and not quite 
knowing what to say next, he energetically 
threw off his trench coat. 

She moved away from him toward the 
table, which was set for a meal and 
sparkled with crystal in the semidarkness; 
then she came back toward him and 


mechanically glanced at herself in the 
shadow blurred mirror. 
“So many years have passed. . . . Good- 


ness! I can hardly believe my eyes. Oh, 
yes, 1 have friends coming tonight. I'll 
call them off. I'll phone them. Ill do 
something. I must call them ofl. .. . Oh. 
Lord...." 

She pressed against him, palpating him 
to find out how real he was. 

"Calm down, Mother, what's the mat- 
ter with you? This is overdoing it. Let's 
sit down somewhere. Comment vas-tu? 
How does life treat you?" And, for some 
reason fearing the answers to his ques- 
tions, hc started telling her about himself, 
in the snappy neat way he had, puffing 
on his pipe, trying to drown his astonish- 
ment in words and smoke. It turned out 
that, after all, she had seen his advertisc- 
ment and had been in touch with the old 
journalist and been on the point of writ- 
ing to Nikolay—always on the point. . . 
Now that he had seen her face distorted 
by its makeup and her artificially fair 
hair, he felt that her voice 
longer the same. And as he 
adventures, without a moi 
he glanced around the half 
room, at its awful middle-class trappings— 
the toy cat on the mantelpiece, the coy 
screen from behind which protruded the 
foot of the bed, the picture of Frederick 
the Great playing the Aute, the bockless 
shelf with the little vases in which the 
reflected lights darted up and down like 
mercury. . . . As his eyes roamed around, 
he also inspected something he had pre- 
viously only noticed in pasing: that 
table—a table set for two, with liqueurs, 
a bottle of Asti, two tall wineglasses and 
an enormous pink cake adorned with a 
ring of still unlit little candles. “Of course, 
1 immediately jumped out of my tent, and 
what do you think it turned out to be? 
Come on. guess! 

She seemed to emerge from a trance 
and gave him a wild look (she was reclin- 
ig next to him on the divan, her temples 
compressed between her hands, and her 
peach-colored stockings gave off an un 
familiar sheen). 

Aren't you listening, Mother?” 

“Why, yes—I am. 

And now he noticed something else: 
She was oddly absent, as if she were listen- 
not to words but to a doomful 
thing coming from afar, menacing and 
inevitable. He went on with his jolly 

(concluded on page 176) 


100, was no 
scribed his 


aplayboy photog- 
rapher shares his 
stunning portfolio 


=O Over the years, зай 
Photographer Rich- 
LI. ard Fegtey has photo- 
graphed hundreds of 
PLAYBOY's most beau- 

S] ши women. So vase 
Q is his reputation that 
Stanley Kubrick re- 
(Q) cendy picked him to 
photograph a feature 

ЖӘ on actress Marisa Ber- 
enson, star of his new 

film. Many of the fol- 
lowing shots, from 
TL Festey's porttotio, 
ich as the one at left, 

n attempt to use the 

female body as a de- 

UJ sign clement,” nave 


o RU UU 


RICHARD 
FEGLEY 


Above, Fegley is ankle 
deep in aLouisiana bay- 
ou shooting a gatefold. 


"My pictures represent my own personal feelings 
about love and sex." Fegley says. "I ігу to present 
а specific mood through the various positions of 
the bodies in a given setting.” Above, in an atlernpt 
to illustrate a feeling of "stark reality" for a "Oui" pic- 
torial on "Sex and Drugs," Fegley set his models on 
a barren sand dune close to the Mexican border. 


87 


Cheech and Chong were the agreeable subjects 
of a “Oui” shooting (top left) that has yet to appear. 
Two people so caught up in lovemaking that they 
lose all contact with reality was the mood Fegley 
tried to achieve with the shotabove, one of his favor: 
ites. The feeling of floating in space was achieved 
by setting the models on a piece of Plexiglas. 


89 


"| try to avoid contrived or preconceived poses.” 
Fegley explains. “Every model has her own inner 
feelingof something moving. a certain natural body 
attitude, and it's that particular movement that | 
try to catch with the camera.” Naturally provoca- 
tive, pomo star Linda Lovelace (right) has been 
the subject of several shootings for PLAYBOY. 


91 


92 


Asked to come up with an illustration for Dan 
Greenburg's article "My First Orgy" (PLAYBOY, Decem- 
ber 1972). Fegley got 26 Vegas show people to 
pose for two hours in а Strip warehouse. "It was 
110 degrees that day." Fegley recalls. "A very sweaty 
shooting.” Right, porno queen Marilyn Chambers 
gets on her knees for our dauntless photographer. 


PLAYBOY 


GLACIERS ARE COMING! (continued from page 80) 


i the human 
species. ng on our long de- 
pendence on food sharing and on con- 
certed attack and defense, it seemed to me 
improbable that some minimum altruistic 
tendency had not come about in our 
genetic equipment. But then came a book. 
n 1972. Colin Turnbull published 
The Mountain People. Turnbull is 
among the most able of anthropologists. 
His perceptive study of the Pygmy in Ше 
deep Congo forest, in a book called The 
Forest People, had not only made his rep- 
utation but had inspired him to study a 
hunting society living under radically dif- 
ferent environmental conditions. He chose 
the Ik (pronounced eek), a people never 
before studied, who li n the mountains 
of northeastern Uganda. So liule did 
science know of them that we even had 
their name wrong and called them Teuso. 
And, as Turnbull was to discover, we were 
wrong about their hunting, for they no 
longer did. 

Earlier, it had been different, As long 
as Homo sapiens sapiens had inhabited the 
area, the Ik probably dwelt and hi 
the mountains. Like certain Pygmies. they 
had been net hunters, It is a technique 
demanding that the whole society hold a 
widespread net while drivers press the 
game into the wap. Their cooperative de- 
mand resembles far more the old-time 
days of the hunting band with hand-held 
weapons than does more individualistic 
hunting done with blowpipe, spear or 
bow and arrow. But a tragedy had be- 
fallen the Ik. The independent Uganda 
government had designated their hunting 
territory as а game reserve where hunting 
was forbidden. Deprived of their age-old 
way and the society based upon it, the ІК 
as individuals fell to pieces. That is how 
things were when T bull arrived. 

The Mountain People is a scien 
book without a footnote, а straightfor- 
ward account told by a sophisticated, ob- 
jective and most compassionate. observer. 
And it is the most ghastly testament ever 
to have emerged from the human sciences 
Read even on its most superficial level, 
the book records what hunger- 
must concern us—can do to people. 

When Turnbull arrived. the Ik, spread 
about in their small. stockaded v 
were a hungry lot. They had been der 
their ancient hunting way. The govern- 
ment had furnished them with seeds and 
a few instructions concerning the plant- 
ing and care of crops. Hunters do not 
take easily to the farming discipline. The 
Ik were indifferent. And, besides, there 
drought and what little effort they 
expended was largely wasted. It was man 
against man, husband against wife, par- 
against children. I an altruistic gene 
humanity, the Ik failed to dem- 
trate it. Turnbull records that he can 
ateful to the Ik that they treated 


nted in 


ic 


him no worse than they treated one 
another. 

Regarding the family. Turnbull re- 
lated: “The Ik seem to tell us that the fam- 
ily is not such a fundamental unit as we 
usually suppose. . . . Children are useless 
appendages. like old parents. Anyone 
who cannot take care of himself is a bur- 
den and hazard to others." They regard 
family ties as insane. "The other quality 
of life that we hold to be necessary for 
survival, love, the Ik also dismiss as idiotic 
and highly dangerous.” 

Gone, too, to the incredulity of any p 
mate student, is even the bond between 
mother and child. Nevertheless, 1 re 
led the late Profesor C. R. Carpen- 
ters experience with some 400 rhesus 
monkeys that he was uansporting from 
India to form a colony on an island ofi 
Puerto Rico. This was before World War 
Two. when Carpenter, almost alone in the 
scientific world, was making the 
observations of primates in a state of 
nature. The idea of a colony (so successful 
that it is still a principal object of study) 
was to establish in semiwild conditions a 
where the monkeys could be ob- 
served under laboratory conditions. On the 
ship providing the transport, however, 
there was a necessity to habituate his sub- 
jects to new foods and, to do this, to keep 
them hungry. Turnbull's exposure to non- 
hunting hunters was an accident. So was 
Carpenter's when, to his horror, he had to 
observe on the long sea voyage what hap- 
pened to individual rhesus monkeys when 
the exigencies of transportation destroyed 
their natural societies. Hungry mothers 
not only neglected their young but tore 
food away from them, At the end of the 
e, there were ten dead infants, 

Turnbull's experience was comparable. 
The Ik mother nurses her child for three 
years, then throws it out. The toddling 
child will join its peers in a scavenging ex- 
istene., Turnbull writes of a nursing 
mother who put her infant down beside a 
water hole, where a leopard snatched it 
and made off. “She was delighted. She 
was rid of the child and no longer had 
to carry it about and feed it, and still 
further it meant that a leopard was in the 
ty and would be sleeping off his 
id thus an easy Kill.” She was 
right. The men found the sleeping leop- 
ard, killed it, cooked i 
digested child and all. 

Or one might turn to the record of the 
mother whose crawling infant approached 
closer and closer to the 
men watched in silent suspense. When the 
infant got burned and screamed, the men 
erupted in laughter. Pleased, the mother 
rewieved the child who had so amused 
the men. 

Not all was a matter of hunger. That 
was bad enough, but there was the deep 
er level that Turnbull recognized. When 
he returned 10 the Ik, the droughts were 


rliest 


habit 


and 


over, their crops flourished. rotting toma 
toes and pumpkins hung from the village 
ides and baboons consumed the rip- 
ng maize. But the Ik, if possible, were 
worse off than ever. Now government relief 
5 ilable at an aid station some miles 
distant and those from the moun 
lages who went to fetch it had their stop. 
ping places along the road back where 
they ate till they vomited, moved on. 
stopped. ate till they vomited. The objec 
tive was to have as little as possible left 
when, on their return, they would be 
forced to share. 

It was a Hobbesian world of Everyman 
against Everyman, from which Hobbes 
deduced the necessity for the all-powerful 
state. H is a concept that | have eternally 
rejected, for excellent reason. In animal 
societies, nothing like the ІК experience 
could have occurred. While rejecting the 
stranger, fter their own. 
But Turnbull in the course of his book 
broods on the possibility that sclf-delusion 
is the only truly unique human quality. 
And he presents his conclusion: “The Ik 
teach us that our much ted human 
values are not inherer 
all, but are associated only with à. partic- 
ular form of survival called society. and 
th uries 
that bed 

Colin Tui 
his descent 
ferno pres 
that no honest reader can deny. While it 
would be going too far to genera 
all humanitys fate on the experience 
of a single tribe, warning sig 
flash. When catastrophe struck the Ik 
they lost their hunting life and the social 
traditions that way commanded, they 
failed to exhibit the least trait of inherent 
altru For the Ik, T bull predicts 
certain exiinc 

When decimation comes our way, then 
through natural selection we тау dis 
cover a sorting of the peoples. There may 
be those in which. unlike the Ik, and 
st the predictions of most biologists. 
ak of genetic altruism has developed. 


aga 
t 
Or, far more likely, there may be those 


with a more united social mind. a strong- 
er social will. perhaps a deeper habitua- 
tion to the ways ol cooperation. Whatever 
the quality of our catastrophe, these would 
be the survivors. W saddening. is to 
се about at our precatastrophe world 
and to find such prerequisites for survival 

so seldom on the 
Yet the modern evolutionist is a per- 
sistent optimist. We are not 
tion on the line. Over thre 
have passed since living or; 
to take form on our earth. That is two 
thirds as long as the history of the planet 
itself. An unbroken chain of life connects 
ith your pres- 
ence on earth and mine. There have been 
calamities and extinctions as one line or 
another failed to adapt to environment 
(continued on page 192) 


those swampy beginnings 


h 
3 уу d 
REE E CENSET. 


“I keep thinking of all the poor guys who won't be 
getting anything at all this Christmas." 


PLAYBOY'S HISTORY OF 
ASSASSINATION 


22227727 Ваи ET ren 


article 
By JAMES MCKINLEY 


for more than a century, 
political murder has been 
a way of life. booth and 
his fellow conspirators 
were the first assassins — 
their legacy the abiding 
question: were they alone? 


The essential American 
soul is hard, tsolate, stoic 
and a killer. 

—D. Н. LAWRENCE 


WHEN THE FIRST settlers came 
to America, they brought with 
them two fateful articles—a 
God-drunk dream of them- 
selves as blesed and a gun. 
They believed they needed 
the dream to endure and the 
gun to impose their dream on 
a new world. 

They were right, for with 
Scripture and shot and shrewd 
dealing, they spread the dream 
until 169 years later, their 
rectitude was proved with the 
signing of the Declaration of 
Independence. That day, the 
citizenry ran home and armed 
itself to ratify, forever, the 
American dream, first with 
celehratory-gunshots, then with 
the Revolution. 

For the next 200 years, wars 


were fought. Presidents assassi- 
nated, strikes broken, minorities 
persecuted and riots suppressed, 
and succeeding generations 
awoke to their horrors. Still, 
the dream persisted, inspiring 
and shaping each wave of 
Americans, until, in Dallas’ 
Dealey Plaza, our turn came. 
The gun that killed John Ken- 
nedy shocked us awake, drove 
into our brains the fact that 
assassination was now, terribly, 
more than historical. Wide-eyed 
as horror-movie addicts, we then 
watched the murders of Mal- 
colm X and George Lincoln 
Rockwell, Martin Luther King, 
Jr. and Robert Kennedy and 
an attempt on George Wal- 
lace—watched American assas- 
sins kill with perfect democracy, 
left and right alike, while wc 
stuttered, Can this be us? Who 
are we, to kill this way? 

Those who believe America 
is a more homicidal nation 
than others—who compare us 
with Imperial Rome and point 
to atrocities іп Vietnam—can 
take special comfort in the leg- 
end that long before James- 
town, white men's blood had 
baptized the land. The story 
goes that in about 1000, on one 
of the several viking expedi- 
tions to Vinland, the explorer 
Thorvard was persuaded by 
his wife, Freydis—the bastard 
daughter of Eric the Red—to 
slaughter their companions. It 
seems that Freydis wanted their 
friends’ larger boat and their 
booty. If true, Freydis mur- 
ders—she herself hacked down 
five women—are the first re- 
corded instance of economic 
violence in American history. 

Indeed, one of the remark- 
able facts of America's past is 
that not until the 19th Century, 
well after our Revolution, that 
of the French and the one 
we call the Industrial, did po- 
litical murder—assassination— 
become a native curse. It wasn't 
until 1804, when Aaron Burr 
killed Alexander Hamilton: in 
a duel, that there was a 
sharply etched case of one-on- 
one killing over political dif- 
ferences, and it was 1835 before 
anybody tried to kill an Amer- 
ican President. Nevertheless, it 
clearly was in the Colonial and 
revolutionary periods that we 


This famous picture of Lincoln was 
taken at the height of the Civil 
War. Four days later, he de- 
livered the Gettysburg Address. 


CONSPIRATORS: 


One failed actor, 
a landlady 

and assorted spies 
and deserters. 


On Good Friday, April 14, 
1865, a weory Lincoln at- 
tended the evening perform- 
ance ot Ford's Theater, With 
his wife, Mary, ond a young 
Army mojor ond his flancée, 
he sat in his booth (above), 
enjoying Lauro Keene's per- 
formance in Our American 
Cousin. Behind the door, Booth, 
watching through a hole 
(left) he had bored 

ier, waited for his 


LO ЕРУ 


as 
moment. As Horry Hawk 
spoke the line "You sockdolo- 
j) gizing old толғар,” Booth 
entered the box and fired 
his derringer point-blank at 
the back of Lincoln's heod. 


Lewis Paine 


This skull of a Civil War soldier whe died at Bull Run (above) was 
used in an official report ta depict Lincoln's wounds. The autopsy 


found that while the bullet (above right) struck Lincaln 


the back 


of the head, its farce shattered his skull opposite the point of impact. 


first became aware of our ca- 
pacity for murder and its vary- 
ing causes, It surfaced early. 

Not long after the Plymouth 
colonists landed, Miles Stan- 
dish, the upright Pilgrim who 
was not nearly so reluctant in 
war as in love, felt his position 
threatened by a new boatload 
of settlers who didn't worship 
God the right way. With his 
fellows, Standish decided to 
solve two problems at once. 
"They would liquidate some In- 
dians who were menacing them, 
then warn the new arrivals that 
a similar fate awaited them. 
Safe in the conviction that they 
acted justly, they lured a Massa- 
chusetts Indian chief to their 
camp, hacked him and two of 
his braves to bits, then public- 
ly hanged his 18-year-old broth- 
er before proceeding to attack 
the Indian camp and con- 
tinue the massacre, Thereafter, 
Standish warned the new col- 
onists away, proclaiming that 
the economy, not to mention 
the theology. couldn't support 
them all. The rival colonists 
decamped for Maine. Standish 
returned in triumph to Plym- 
outh, put the Indian chiefs 
head on a pike and settled 
down to some tur trading. 

In these acts of the Pil- 
grims—and in their later bat- 
tles over trades with the other 
"chosen," the Puritans, or in 
the “hangman, do your duty" 
persecutions of the Quakers— 
we cannot know if the motives 
were mostly economic, racial, 


civil, theological or ultimately 
personal. The violent usually 
have a smorgasbord of ration- 
alizations at hand. But we can, 
in those killings, detect the 
lineaments of a key question: 
Did Freydis' murders for booty 
and Standish's killings for God, 
territory and trade begin a tra- 
dition of assassination in Amer- 
ica or merely one of violence? 

To find an answer, we need. 
some definition of assassina- 
tion, and one peculiar to our 
national experience. Assassina- 
tion? We can say it is the kill- 
ing of a prominent person, 
rationally planned to advance 
Or sustain a cause that most 
often is political—or, as is too 
frequently the case in our time, 
to secure notoriety, however 
témporary, for the assassin— 
that killing usually being car- 
ried out by an individual or a 
small group of conspirators. 
Accepting that, we have to 
excuse Freydis and Standish as 
our prototypal assassins. Kill- 
ing solely for monetary gain is 
not assassination, nor is lead- 
ing a bunch of crazed zealots 
against unsuspecting natives. 
Even so, the viking lady 
and the Pilgrim father fore- 
shadow the age of assassina- 
tion in America, and we can 
legitimately ask, What are the 
constituents of American assas- 
sination? 

We can begin with what's 
least important, the myth. of 
Americans as hand-to-hand 
killers, struggling like epic 


ILLUSTRATION BY CHET JEZIERSKI 


Lincoln passed the night in agany, lying in this e L 
short bed in а baardinghause acrass the street from Рога" 


heroes against their opponents. 
It's true that those earliest 
Americans grappled directly 
with their adversaries, just as 
the assailants of Lincoln, Gar- 
field, McKinley, Anton Cer- 
mak, Huey Long, Malcolm X 
and Robert Kennedy were 
belly close to their victims. But, 


Secretary af State Seward (be- 
law left) survived knife wounds 
inficted by Lewis Paine. Secre- 
tary of War Stanton (below right) 
ran the country during Lincaln's 
agony. After Booth's death, Stan- 
tan toak custody af his diary. 
When it was introduced as evi- 
dence, critical pages were missing. 


like the Greeks and Romans 
and the Borgias, who preferred 
slow poisons administered by 
servants, we have had our 
long-range assassinations—most 
recently, John Kennedy and 
Martin Luther King. And lest 
we think those are 20th Cen- 
tury technocratic aberrations, 


— 


akin to fire bombing from five 
miles up, we should remember 
the apocryphal story that Lin- 
coln, before he fell to the 
native gun tradition, was the 
victim of a poison-kiss plot. 
Lincoln, who reportedly once 
said assassination was not an 
American crime, was bussed at 
a White House reception by a 
rebel lady whose lips were 


infected with smallpox germs. 
Whether or not this story is 
true, it tells us much about 
the American imagination and 
about the passions that swirled 
around Lincoln before he at- 
tended the last performance at 
Ford's Theater of John Wilkes 
Booth. 

Assassination as a frontier- 
ethic facedown is not, then, 
peculiarly American. Nor is 
tyrannicide our invention, the 
Greeks instituting it as early as 
the Fifth Century в.с. and the 
Romans carrying it to perfec- 
tion. Europeans, beginning in 
the Middle Ages, assassinated 
Thomas à Becket, two Henrys 
of France, James I of Scotland, 
a number of the Medicis, and 
so on down to figures as diverse 
as Marat, Alexander II, Count 
Bernadotte, Trotsky and Ad- 
miral Darlan. In our time, 
assassination, as much as ever, 
crosses national and cultural 
barriers at random. The names 
Trujillo, Diem, Lumumba, 
Gandhi, Faisal and Zapata 
make the point. 

Perhaps the unique char- 
acteristic of the American 
assassination is that the assassin 
misunderstands the nation in 
whose cause he thinks he kills. 
He is a poor historian, though 
he believes otherwise. In his 
linear and insular reasoning, 
things will, must proceed as 
fantasized in his own delusions: 

Booth believes he eliminates 
the great threat to the South, 
but Lincoln's death brings on 
the tightlipped Radical Re- 
constructionists, latter-day Puri- 
tans whose policies halve the 
nation for two generations. 

McKinley's death, a sacrifice 
to the common man and to 
the end of Imperial America, 
brings on the Roughest Rider 
of them all, and Teddy Roose- 
velt acquires new dominions 
for us. 

Нису Long's murder ге 
moves the populist dictator but 
dears the way for Earl and 
Russell Long to rule Louisiana. 

Lee Harvey Oswald or some- 
one destroys Kennedy the ap- 
peaser and Lyndon Johnson's 
bellicosity makes us war haters. 

Martin Luther King's death 
brings not race war but gun- 
control laws and an avalanche 
of civil rights legislation. 

Sirhan Sirhan slays Robert 
Kennedy and while the Arab 
watches from his cell, the na- 
tion moves closer to Israel. 

And the assassins, if alive, 


THE END OF THE CONSPIRACY 


On o hot July seventh, Mrs. Surratt, Paine, Herold and Atzeradt were hanged in a Washington prison yard. 


pur r 


Michael O'Loughlin —imprisaned. 


"d 


ы. 


Samuel Arnold—imprisoned. 


„ | John Surratt—exonerated. 


PLAYBOY 


102 


аге bemused. Some have made yet 
other miscalculation. They've ignored the 
avenging angel; the sergeant who slays 
Booth, or Long's bodyguards, or Jack 
Ruby. 

Yet the assassinations have had effects. 
Not always what the killers anticipated, 
not nearly so effective as those bloody 
but systematic coups in Europe and the 
East and Latin America, where power is 
usurped and governments toppled. Be- 
cause he is American, our assassin—iso- 
late—believes with molish irrationality 
that one great deed will maintain or re- 
store the republic. That is peculiarly 
American, just as is the toleration, even 
veneration, we have had for violence. 

Abraham Lincoln knew he was an 
assassination target. Like John Kennedy 
100 years later, he sometimes mused over 
the possibility of his death. On the Good 
Friday in 1865 when he was shot, Lincoln 
remarked to William Crook, body- 
guard, "I believe there are men who 
want to take my life. And I have no doubt. 
1hey will do 

Those obsessed with historical repeti- 
tions recall J.E.K/s words that Friday 
morning of Dallas: "If anybody really 
wanted to shoot the President of the 
United States, it would not be a difficult 
job—all you have to do is get on a high 
building someday with a telescopic 
sight. . . ." Both Presidents agreed, too, 
that they could easily be slai the 
were prepared to sacrifice his life. Perhaps 
our first and latest Presidential victims— 
whose murders are similar in several 
ways—meditated on their ends in this way 
because they were, unlike their assassins, 
good historians, They could keep time i 
mind, could see themselves as targets or- 
dained by history, by war, by controversy, 
by great and conflicting interests within 
the country. It seems they also knew they 
could not escape their assassinations. 

It is certain that 
figures the assassinations of our 
viewing it, we shall sce the simil 
There are the uncertain motives of the 
alleged assassins. Inconsistencies іп physi 
cal evidence. Missing evidence. Contra 
dictions ог impossibilities offered 
by the Government and 
The odor of a Governmental cover 
Finally, the crucial specific questions, such 
as, Was Lincoln betrayed to Booth's fatal 
gunshot by someone in his Administra- 
tion? By his Secretary of War and poli 
cal rival, Edwin Stanton? In his home? In 
the South? In the Vatican? Or did the mad 
Booth act alone? 

From the beginning of his term, Lincoln 
was shadowed by imely death. On his 
way to Washington in February 1861, to 
be inaugurated, he was informed by super 
spy All. Pinkerton that tempt 
on his life might be made in Baltimore 

s he changed trains for Washington. 
Throughout the il War, Maryland 
scethed with Secessionists—the Booths 


an- 


an 


janders—and it appears that in 
1861, some six or eight conceived the 
idea of killing Lincoln in the confusion 
of a diversion staged at the train depot, 
then flecing by ship to the South. Whether 
ог not the plot existed is debated, but 
Lincoln was spirited to Washington by 
а secret route and arrived 
guise, huddled 
by a rumpled soft hat, accompanied by 
only two trusted bodyguards (one of 
whom, Lincoln's former law partner 
Ward Hill Lamon was to lament being ab. 


in semidis 


an old overcoat, crowned 


dent. skulkin; 


picting the new Pre into 
his capital. Lincoln's own sentiments 
seem to have been uttered in Philadelphia, 
Pennsylvania, before his ignominious ar- 
rival the city where he would finally 
be struck down. He said, "If this coun- 
wy cannot be saved without giving up 
that principle [the Revolution's prize: an 
equal chance for everyone] I would 
her be assassinated on this spot than 
surrender ii 

In Lincoln's mind was our history. We 
were, after all. risen. commoners. That. 
forbade an imperial Presidency. Lincoln 
I he 
couldn't be the people's President if he 
shut himself up for safety in an iron box 

nd that an assassin. had better be care 
ful, because he might get somebody worse 
for the next President. Still, Lincoln knew 
we had a violent tendency. He could look 
back to 1804 and see Aaron Burr prod h 
political opponent Alexander Hamilton 
to a duel. Some s Burr did so to rid 
the nation of a dangerously aristocrati 
and ambitious man; others that Burr had 
avenged himself for 1800, when Hamilton 
had thrown his support to Jefferson. thus 
defeating Burr in the House of Repre- 
sentatives for the Presidency. Lincoln 
knew, though, that this duel was em- 
blematic of his own time: Hamilton's 

iggish pragmatism versus the egalitari 

n absolutism of Burr. 

‘Then Andrew Jackson had been threat- 
ened in 1835, when Lincoln was a 25- 
year-old Illinois legislator. Old Hickory 
was strolling outside the Capitol when 
п out-of-work house painter named Rich- 
rence popped from behind a pil- 
raised two pistol and pulled the 
igger of one. Jackson heard the cap 
explode but felt nothing. He rushed Law- 
тепсе, his cane raised to thrash him to the 
ground. Lawrence pulled the other trigge 
nd that pistol also misfired. Jackson 
was lucky; but then. he always had been. 
He'd killed Charles Dickenson in a duel in 
1806 through the stratagem of wen 
loose frock coat that slowed his enemy's 
ball so that it wounded him grievously 
but not fatally. Andy then coolly shot 
Dickenson dead. As for Lawrence, Jack- 
son suspected he had been part of a Whig 
conspiracy to murder him and not the 
Jone, deranged man the failed assassiı 
claimed to be. 


disliked guards and panoply, once sa 


ard 


Lincoln knew 
son, about the 


k- 
nobbing and killing of 


ah P. Lovejoy in 1837. when Lovejoy 
ewspaper ii 


defended his abolitionist 
Alion, Ilinois, and by dy 
of angry proslavery men gave the 
first martyr. Before Lovejoy's death, 1 
cola had in the Ilinois legislature cou 
seled those very citizens th: 


"debauches even our greatest mei 
might well have been thinking of 
where the issues had led to killings. rapes, 
burnings, as prosla nd freesoilers 
out. 


i| Stephen A. Douglas de 
bated for the U.S. Senate scat im 1858. 
Lincoln won the popular vote but Douglas 
the election in the legislature, so Lincoln 
stayed in Springfield while John Brown. 
the terrorist abolitionist, left 
bloody-handed 10 capture the Gover 
ment's arsenal at Harpers Ferry in Octo- 
ber 1859. “God's Angry Man" hoped to 
pass out rifles to the oppressed blacks and 
spark a slave revolt. But Colonel Robert 
E, Lee and the Marines were summoned. 
They recaptured the Federal property and 
put down the rebellion and on Decem- 


ber 2, 1859, Lee gave the order and 


Brown swung at rope's end in the mild 
Virginia autumn. Among the onlookers, 
dressed fit to kill as a temporary member 
of the fashionable Richmond Grays, was 
а handsome actor, only 21, second yo 
est of a famous family of thespians, 


now 
himself a budding idol of the Southern 
stage. John Wilkes Booth got sick alter 


Brown was hanged and he later told hi 
ister that "Brown was a brave old man. 
Certainly, Brown seemed braver than 
Booth. who had joined the Army in order 
10 see the hanging, then ended his enlist 
ment the next day. He told all those. thei 

and later, who asked why a man with his 
pro-South views didn't join the Army d 
he had promised his mother he wouldn't 
go 10 war. 

Back in Ilinois, Lincoln was prepar 
ing a speech that, within three months o 
в delivery at New York's Cooper Union 
» February 1860. would make him the 
Republican P i nee, ће 
President. Lincoln told the skeptical ci 
slckers that Brown did not represent 


ered—and that the South need fear no in- 
terference "with your slaves.” It was a 
speech to placate everyone except the most 
fervent abolitionists. Yet such sentiments 
did not soothe Booth’s histrionic secession 
ism and the actor slandered Lincoln in 
Southern salons with a ferocity that 
ter Lincoln's election as our 16th 
President. Воо rebel talk carned him 
the applause his acting did not, at least in 
е North, where his elder brother Edwin 
was king of the stage. John Wilkes's envy 
ngs and his rom: 
uth's cause combined in 
(continued on page 170) 


es 


Great Hits from 


THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 


a quiz in which readers can pit their powers of recall against the sage of theage 


All right, you guys. Quiz time. We've 
been answering all reasonable questions— 
from fashion, food and drink, stereo and 
sports cars to dating dilemmas, taste and 
etiquette—for 15 fun-filled years. Now it's 
your turn. (Did you think you were going 
to get off scot free?) The following per- 
tinent, provocative querics were previous- 
ly presented in the pages of The Playboy 
Advisor. To a certain extent, they reflect 
the changing concems of a generation of 
Americans. At the beginning, it seemed 
we answered as many questions about sar- 
torial splendor as about the kind in the 
grass. In the politically paranoid atmos- 
phere of the late Sixties, we addressed our- 
self to the question that was plaguing 
everyone: Is it legal to remove the tags 
from pillows and mattresses? Recently, 
the Advisor has gotten more into the 
nitty-gritty aspects of sexual freedom: 
What is the caloric content of sperm? Is 
kinky sex before marriage a proof of love? 
Take out your pen. Match wits with 
"The Playboy Advisor. 


xm N 


1. Gold and silver threads can be found 


woven into the lining of many ties. 
Ranging in number from one to six, the 
threads indicate (A) the quality of work- 
manship of the tie, (B) the weight of the 
fabric used to line the tie, (C) the num- 
ber of times the wearer has made it with 
his secretary, (D) none of the above. 

2. Is it possible to improve your cun- 
nilingual skills by removing corks from 
champagne bottles with your tongue? 


3. Why is this man writhing? Describe 
the activity pictured above. 

4. We respect sage advice when we hear 
it. Match the following pearls of wisdom 
with the original oyster. (For extra points, 
guess the context.) 

(A) "Every act ап (1) Oscar Wilde 


animal act." EE 
(B) "Familiarize (2) Benjamin 

yourself with the Franklin 

chains of bond- 

age and you pre. (9) Р. Т. 

pae your own ^ Barnum 

limb 

Wem ^ (A) Nathaniel 
(‘In your Bine 

amours, YOU (ву Abraham 

should prefer old O? үшү 


women to young 
ones. They are so 
gratefull.” 

(D) “In this world 
there are only 
two tragedies: 
One is not get- 
ting what you 
want and the oth- 
er is getting it. 

(E) “Distaste is da 
best taste in 
da world.” 

5. Your butler brings you Henry Kis- 
singer's calling card. The upper right- 
hand corner is creased, indicating that (A) 
Henry the K sat on his wallet, (B) he is 
making a personal call. (C) one of his 
aides is making a call in his name, (D) 
someone from the State Department has 


ILLUSTRATIONS BY SKIP WILLIAMSON 


tried to break into your house, using 
Kisingers card to jimmy the lock on 
your front door. 

6. A French letter is (A) an erotic post- 
card with text, (B) that portion of the anato- 
my scaled with a French kiss, (C) a con- 
traceptive, (D) the last vowel in Story of О. 

7. Should the pleats of a cummerbund 
open up or down? 

8. Most of the 150 marques defined as 
dassics by the Classic Car Club of Ameri- 
са were built between 1925 and 1942; a 
few were built after World War Two. 
Which of the following cars is recognized 
as a postwar dassic (A) the Lincoln Con- 
tinental, (B) the Corvette, (C) the Aston 
Martin DBS, (D) the Ralph Nader Me- 
morial Corvair. 

9. A woman is most likely to attain or- 
gasm during intercourse if she is (A) on 
her side, (B) on her back, (C) on top, (D) 
tied зргеаб-саріе to a magic fingers 
vibrabed, covered with Miracle Whip, 
licked clean by a nearsighted escargot 
and allowed to open her own charge 
account at Bergdorf's. 


10. Why is this man writhing? Describe 
the activity pictured above. 

Il. True or false? Bird’s-nest soup is 
actually made with birds’ nests. 

12. Who g? 

13. Dogs become locked in a carnal 
п the penis is rapped by 
the contracted. muscles of the vagina. Is 


embrace wh 


penis captivus possible in humans? (A) 
yes, (B) no, 


(continued on page 211) 103 


revolutionary concoctions for the jaded bicentennialist m 


| НІЛ 
drink By EMANUEL GREENBERG Й 


Whaler's Toddy Ipswich Switchell 


ILLUSTRATION BY BILL UTTERBACK 


THAT BAND OF ADVENTURERS, patriots, libertarians, zealots, horse thieves, 
n um FER wenchers and visionaries collectively known as our fore 
y [| industrious but convivial lot. After labor and the Lord, there was always 
| J а little time for amusement—harassing redcoats, c 
І 


hoisting а few with other recent immigrants (continued on page 220) 


Mulled Cider One Yard of Flannel Jamestown Julep 


With RICHARD DURHAM 


Акпа Ву MUHAMMAD ALI 


BUT, COACH, 
IT HELPS ME RELAX 


YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT SEX AND ATHLETES... 


USED TO HEAR trainers and manag- 
ers, during my amateur days, com- 
menting on the poor showing of 
certain fighters with sad shakes of 
the head. "Serves him right. I told 
him to stay ‘way from that trim. That 
pussy ruined him." Listening to them, I 
prayerfully resolved to avoid sex at all 
costs. And up until the 1958 Golden 
Gloves, I was glowingly successful, with- 
out even a struggle. What 1 wanted in 
life was to be a spectacular, winning per- 
former. And if turning my back on sex 
was what it took, I would be like a nun. 

Nowadays, many doctors and research- 
ers have come to entirely different con- 
clusions on sex and the athlete, But 
when I first entered competitions, we 
younger fighters listened with rapt at- 
tention to the old pros who testified 
оп the evils of sex. One or another would 
account for his defcat or псаг knockout 
by telling some hot, juicy tale of his fatal 
encounter with an unexpected piece of 
pussy, while the managers and trainers 
would nod amen. 

If they saw us younger fighters, their 
"protégés." trying to make it with a girl. 
they'd take us aside and say, "Kid, you 
got to make pussy think you're dead. Stay 
away or it'll ruin you.” Then they'd 
glide over to the girl, take over and leave 
us wondering why pussy could be so bad 
for us and so good for them. 

"You don't know how to handle it 
yet," Donnie Hall, my best friend among 
the older boxers, would patiently explain. 
T had grown up in Louisville with Don- 
nie, a tall, well-built, black heavy with 
beautiful teeth and flashing eyes, who de- 
_ feated opponents with the same ease with 
_ which he acquired the prettiest girls. 


ЗОРЕ 


"How до you handle it?" I asked him 
one day when we were preparing for the 
Golden Gloves trials. 
ville’s heavyweight 
won in the lightheavy. 

Donnie glanced around to see if any- 
onc was listening. “When we get to Chi- 
cago, I'll show you.” He winked. “Right 
now, play it cool. Don't fool around 
with women. Keep your strength.” With 
that, Donnie, who was four years older 
than me, strolled off to join his latest 
girlfriend. 

T hardly needed the warning; I had just 
tumed 16 and I was miserably shy and 
bashful. It took all the courage I could 
muster to even approach a girl. If that's 
to be my only problem, 1 thought, I've 
got the championship in the bag. 

It was a cold February in 1958 when 
our team got to Chicago and huddled 
together in the St. Clair Hotel, a few 
blocks from icy Lakc Michigan. There 
were six of us who wanted to go on to 
become pros: Ed Whitaker, Davie Hilton, 
Elmer Dennison, Bill Wikstrom, Donnie 
Hall and me. To us, winning the Golden 
Gloves meant getting the "master's 
degree" we needed for professional work. 

Т had already lost one shot the previous 
year when I was taken out in Louisville 
because the doctor found something и- 
regular about my heartbeat. It cleared 
up, whatever it was, but too late for me 
to enter the tournament. And that year, 
most of all, I wanted to return home a 
champion. 

The huge Chicago Stadium with three 
boxing matches going on simultaneously. 
under those hot white lights, with 
screaming, cheering, booing crowds, was 
the most awesome spectacle Fd ever 


participated in. Half the states sent 
fighters to Chicago, the other half to 
New York. And the eight winners would 
fight each other for the national tide. 

Certain cities became known to us for 
the caliber of their fighters. We'd say, 
"Ooooooowwweee, he comes from Cleve 
land. He must be tough.” Or Detroit, 
Omaha, Toledo, Dayton, Chicago, Wichi. 
ta. Little two-by-four towns were put on 
the map by the courage of their unknown 
fighters. And I wanted to put Louisville 
on the map for something other than 
whiskey and horses. 

So I studied fighters in those rings 
like an honor student would his text- 
books. Some wild, unorthodox; some 
poised, polished like the best profes- 
sionals. I examined styles, stances, moves, 
feints, jabs, crosses, hooks, bobs, weaves. 
And I adopted all I could from those who 
made the trade—bloody, vicious and 
savage as it might be—an art. As Sugar 
Ray, Kid Gavilan, Johnny Bratton had 
done. They were the Picassos among 
fighters and they made it all seem a 
thing of pride, poise, courage, strength, 
lass. 

In the Golden Gloves, they arrange for 
the lighter fighters to eliminate each other 
first. Then they bring out the heavies. 
After my preliminaries, I went up to 
Donnie's room and found him standing 
flatfooted, touching his toes before the 
mirror. He showed 
me an article fore- 
casting my next 
night’s battle: 
“A fight com- 
ing up that 
(continued on 
page 112) 


| лпа By MUHAMMAD ALI 


With RICHARD DURHAM 


BUT, COACH, 
IT HELPS ME RELAX 


Ме EEE E 


ы WELL, HERES SOMEBODY WHO AGREES WITH THEM 


OUT OF Tht MOUTHS OF BABES 


remember penny candies? 


we just wondered why kids should have all the fun 
BACK IN THOSE prepubescent days when the stuff actually cost one cent, 
penny candy served the same purpose as five pounds of Godiva choco- 
lates or a quart of Joy perfume does today. You could lure your 


fifth-grade sweetheart off to a corner of the playground on the 


promise of seeing what lay clutched in your sticky palm—a root-beer 
barrel, perhaps, or a marshmallowy fruit redolent with imitation ba- 
nana oil, Well, we got to reminiscing about those golden moments, 
one thing led to another and herewith are the mouth-watering results, 
not available in any store: PLAYBOY'S X-rated treats for adult tastes. 


SUGAR BOOBIES 


SWEETSAFE 


CANDOM 
oo 
CAND OM 


BALL-CAAD BUBBLE GUM $/M SPECIAL 


ШИ 


PORNO PIPE 


LICORICE LEGS 


«9 HOT LIPS 


ALL-NIGHT SUCKER TEENY WEENIE 


AADU HISS STRIP TERSERS 


BITE THIS! 


— 


IGNED BY KERIG POPE 


PLAYBOY 


IT HELPS ME RELAX continued from page 106) 


should be of main-bout caliber sends Kent 
Green against Cassius Clay of Louisville. 
Clay was a standout performer last night." 

Donnie laughed and slapped me on the 
back. "You can take this guy with one 
hand tied behind you. 1 got mine made, 
tov. Let's go out.” When I asked where 
we were going, he said, “I wanna see if 
you can handle it. How you been doin’ 
with it, anyway?” 

7 1 said, not daring to admit 1 

hadn't been doing anything with ^ 
1 don't know why I was so eager to follow 
him, instead of re 
my rigid resolve not to break trai 
Maybe because the heaviest load a fighter 
carries between fights is the boredom, 
the weariness, that comes from waiting, 
waiting. 
We caught a cab on Michigan Avenue, 
and when ıhe driver asked where we 
wanted to go, Donnie said, “Where the 
women are.” 

"The driver did a double take and said, 
"How much you expect to pay?" 

"Well ...." Donnie sounded smooth, 
hip. "just take us to the best place you 
know." 

“This cost you extra,” the driver 
said before he pulled his fing down. He 
drove us to the South Side and let us out 
near 47th and Calumet. Donnie paid the 
fare, slipping in something extra, and 
the driver said, “Just start walking.” 

We were in front of a corner pawnshop 
under the el. An old woman in a knit 
cap. galoshes and a man's overcoat was 
standing on an orange «паш, preaching 
Ше Gospel to people rushing by to catch 
the train. We started walking. 

A few blocks down Calumet Avenue, 
two prostitutes came up behind us, one 
black, the other white. The white one 
looked at me with a fixed smile: "You 
looking for some fun?” 

. "Yes. . . . Well, no, ma'am, we 
just walking” 

cut me off. “Sure, bz-bay, 
for some fun. What's it gonna 


1 envied the smooth, self-assured way 
he took over and wished I could handle 
myself that way. 

"Well," she was saying, 
want to pay 
hedged. " How much you want?” 
nd two," she said. 
turned to me as though I was 
Authority. "Cash, is seven and two 
ith you?’ 
I said, without the slightest 
it meant. A few minutes later, 
when I learned it me: seven dollars 
for her and two dollars for the room, I 
couldn't believe the high price. 

They took us back to a building we'd 
just passed, up three flights of rickety 
wooden stairs with graffiticovered walls. 
We reached a hallway where an old white 


"what do you 


Mr. 
all right 


112 man, sitting in a little cashier's cage, 


closed his window tight when we came up. 

"The white woman calmed him down. 
"Dad, everything's all right," she said, 
and we stepped up and paid the seven 
and two. 

Donnie started popping his fingers and 
asked in a loud voice, "Which one you 
want?" 

I was too ashamed to speak so loud. 
It didn't seem right. Wouldn't one feel 
slighted if she wa chosen first? So I 
whispered іп Donnie's car, “I'll take the 
colored one." She was the best-looking 
of the two—younger, about 30, a little 
neater. But when she started toward а 
door down the hall, I told Donnie I was 
going back to the hotel. “Got to get up 
early. Exercise!” 

The woman saw me pull back and said, 
“Awww, don't worry, honey, everything li 
be all right. Just don't worry" Her 
manner wasn't sexy at all, more like a 
nurse telling a new patient not to be 
afraid of a minor operation. 

Donnie went down the hall and 
pointed for me to follow my woman, who 
had gone into a room near the top of the 
stairs. I got just outside the door and 
stood there, sweating, nervous, miserable. 

Tm back in Louisville . . . seven or 
бірім years old . . . running up and down 
alleys with the gang, looking into bed- 
room windows that have the shades or 
blinds ир... disappointed in never really 
seeing anything but peeping in anyway. 
We never see what we're looking for. 
mother calls us "bad little 


“Let's find us a new bedroom tonight," 
somebody says. 

"I know us a good place. I saw a place 
down the street with no shades up or 
nothin’ and last night I saw everything 
that went on." 

And I say, 
that!” 

So we run for about four or five blocks. 
In the dark, we go up to the window and 
we peep and peep and don't see nobody. 
And it gets real late. Then the man and 
woman come in and start taking off their 
clothes, and just before they get them off, 
the man turns the light out. That makes 
me mad. 


"mon, man, let's go see 


1 took a deep breath, went inside and 
closed the door. She was sitting on the 
bed, opening a pack of cigarettes. 

“Hurry up. We haven't pi all night.” 

"Hurry up what?" I said. 

‘ake your clothes off.” 

I crossed the room to the light switch 
and cut all the lights out. 

“What you cut them lights out for?” 

“T gotta take off my pants,” I said. 

“Well, goddamn, don’t you think I 
know that? Why'd you cut them lights 
ош?” 


All I could say was the truth: “I don't 
want you to see me with my pants off.” 

She sat there stone-quiet for a while. 1 
had managed to slip my shoes and socks 
ofl before she struck a match to light her 
cigarette. 

“Wanna smoke?” She offered me the 
package. 

“No, ma'am. I don't smoke. Prize fight- 
ers are not allowed to smoke, ma'am 
The match had lit her face up and I 
could see her eyes on me in the dark, 
wide and wondering, “I'm in the Golden 
Gloves," I went on, trying to get myself 
on familiar ground so we could at least 
have something to talk about. “I'm going 
to be light heavyweight champ 


"she said. “Ready?” 
1 follow Sandra Hanes and Charley 
Heard all the way home from a party. 
I watch them kiss and kiss and kiss for 
And when I sce Charley 
in the hall next day at school, I say. "How 
did you ever get Sandra Hanes to go out 
with you? She won't go out with me." 
He just looks at me with pity and says, 
"Look, man. You can fight, but you got 
to learn to talk. Talking is where it’s at. 
Words, words, man. The way you hug the 
background, you never be hip. You got to 
step on out and get it. Talk, talk, talk, 
man. Talk to people. 1 can't fight a lick 
Women like words. Talk." 


‘The match had burned out and it was 
pitch-dark again and I was about to take 
off my long underwear. Then I thought I 
saw a tiny ray of light from the window. 
I went over and pulled the shade down 
tight, to shut out that little light still 
coming in. 

“What the hell you pulling the shades 
down for? You some kinda. . he was 
surprised, maybe even a little Irightened. 

I said, "Don't I have to take off my 
underwear?" 

She was stone-quiet again. I just stood 
there against the wall, my eyes getting 
accustomed to the darkness. Then I saw 
she had stripped off her clothes and was 
lying on the bed. The blood went to my 
head. It was the first time l'd seen a 
woman naked . . . what was | supposed 
t0do...? 


Gwendolyn—the first girl I ever kis— 
lives in a little two-room [rame house 
around the corner from me. ... Im 15 
and devoted to boxing. Every week I'm on 
Tomorrow's Champions. | pass her house: 
“Oh, Cassius Clay. I watch you all the 
time on TV." She beckons me to the 
porch, where she has a record player 
going, and we listen to the Platters, Lit 
tle Richard, the Dells, Ella Fitzgerald, 
and she has me come back week after 
week. 


(continued on page 166) 


The United States are destined 
either to surmount the gorgeous 
history of feudalism, or else 
prove the most tremendous fail- 
ure of time. 

—WALT WHITMAN, 
Democratic Vistas 


WELCOME To 1976, Year of the Tur- 
key. As fife, drum and flag combos 
with chili sauce on their bandages 
march through the shopping malls of 
our fair land, I am here to say a few 
words about how everything and ev- 
erybody has bombed, flunked, stiffed, 
flopped and otherwise gone down the 
tube. Im talking about failure, 
friends and neighbors. That's 
the dirtiest word beg 
in the English language. zing, 
that they'll let me write about it in 
a family magazine. I mean, you could 
get on Johnny Carson and say, "I had 
a drinking problem,” and the audi- 
ence would applaud, You could say, 
"I had leukemia," and they'd cheer. If 
you said, “I had V. D," they'd all be 


ә ә 
RICHARD NIXON 
1974 
NEW YORK METS 
1962-68 
THE EDSEL 
1959 


THE CONFEDERATE 
STATES OFAMERICA 


2 


ILLUSTRATION BY ERALOO CARUGATI 


in america, if at 
first you don't succeed, 
you've got it made 


article By CRAIG KARPEL 


shouting “Hiyo!” But if you sat 
down, crossed. your legs and said, "I 
am а failure”—absolute silence. 
Johnny would do his million-dollar 
deadpan take, clear his throat and 
tease a dog-food commercial. After the 
break, you'd be in the second seat, 
turkey. 

Usually when I begin to think 
about whipping up a sodoliterary 
confection, the muse is good to me 
and the information I need meets me 
halfway. If I need some material for 
a package on male sexuality, some 
stud will sidle up to me and confide 
that his chocolate bar has melted. If 
Im looking for telephone tidbits, 
books fall open to ribald tales about 
Alexander G. Bell. But I was en- 
tirely unprepared for the pleonasm of 
helpful hints that the world gave 
me when I started thinking about 
failure. Commentary came out with a 
symposium on “America Now: A 
Failure of Nerve?” The Village Voice 
reviewed (continued on page 130) 


13 


january's daina house has some 
very definite ideas about where she’s at— 
у 
so we've let her speak for herself 


DECIDEDLY 


DAINA 


must ADMIT I had certain misgivings about becoming a Playmate. Down in Texas, which is 

where I was born and reared, we used to hear all kinds of kinky rumors about PLAYBOY—like 

what those little stars on the cover meant and all—so you might say I had my doubts. It all 

started about a year ago, when I did an ad for a platform-shoe company in L.A. One of the 
photographers asked me to do a promo gig for him and I said OK, and he took a bunch of my 
pictures up to eLAvBov with the intention of promoting the shoes. Ironically, PLAYBOY wanted 
the girl—me—not the shoes; but I said no at first. I figured Га have to put up with all sorts of 
hanky-panky from the photographers. But Marilyn Grabowski, the West Coast Photography Edi- 
tor, was real nice and assured me that it wasn't that way at all, and eventually I agreed. E love 
modeling, anyway, mainly because I love to have my picture taken. Even as a kid in Dallas, I used 
to be the star of my dad's home movies. Which is one big reason why I'm an actress. Acting gives 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY KEN MARCUS 


115 


“I love men—Lthat's the understate- 
ment of the ycar—but for some 
reason, I’ve always gone for men 
with no money. I realize it’s a little 
strange, but rich men just don't 
attract me at all—they're usually 


such incredible show-ofjs. Also, 
I love a man who сап make 
me laugh and who can really 


appreciate my beauty. 


“Гое always been attracted to two types of men—those 


with a blunt, forward line and those who are so physically 
attractive that —boom!—I have to go to bed with them.” 


"I'm not a women's libber—God forbid! I just don't be- 
lieve in it. As far as I'm concerned, the man's the boss. Period. 
1 need a good strong man to keep me in line sometimes.” 


“I'm a very selfish person in a lot of 
ways and Гт aware of it. My 

carcer is ту number-one concern 
and occasionally I feel I can't devote 
enough attention to the people I 
love. Asa result, Рт a difficult 
person to live with, but in loyal. 
It's an awful strain sometimes— 

but I am loyal." 


me a lot of satisfaction—it's a release for my frustrations. People tend to think beautiful girls are 
all dumbbells, which I'm not. Acting gives me a way of showing those people that I've got talent. 
In fact, I'd rather play a nun than a sexpot. My movie creditsso far haven't been all that impressive, 
but after all, I'm just starting out. I had a tiny walk-on in Farewell, My Lovely and I'm going 
up to Montana to film The Winds of Autumn, in which I play a whore. Also, I'm up for the 
female lead in Tom Laughlin's new film, The Deadliest Spy, so keep your fingers crossed. 
You've got to be pretty ballsy to get ahead in this business and I am ballsy, but I'm all cotton 
inside and I hurt easily. Also, I can’t stand phoniness. There's a lot of that in showbiz and 
I react to it by being real. It’s hard sometimes, but I try. It's just the way I am. Like it or not. 


“I'm absolutely crazy about sex and anyone who isn't is nuts. 
It's one of my favorite pastimes. And I'm open about it 
hell, if something feels good, why not do it? Besides, it 
helps keep a girl in shape, if you know what I mean." 


PLAYBOY’S PARTY JOKES 


When they'd wound up in her apartment at the 
end of their blind date, the girl asked, "Would 
you like to have a little drink?" 

"I'd like to have a litle—period!" said the 
fellow, smiling. 

"How convenient, 
just what Zn ha 


chirped the girl. “That's 


They wouldn't have caught me,” simpered the 
gay cadet at the military college, “if 1 hadn't 
attempted to switch majors." 


Two octogenarians married and tottered off 
оп their honeymoon. On their first night, 
they undressed slowly, but with anticipation, 
and climbed into bed; a few moments later, the 
man turned toward his new wife and slipped 
his hand gently over hers. On the following 
night, he again held her hand tenderly until 
they were both asleep. On the third evening, 
the bridegroom turned once more to his bride 
and moved to take her hand in his. 

"Not tonight, dear." she quavered. "I have 
a headache." 


Our Unabashed Dictionary defines professional 
stud as a working stiff. 


Hey. now our roles are reversed!" grinned the 
handsome lab technician when he visited the 
perky massage-parlor girl. "Remember me from 
the clinic last week? I'm the guy who pricked 
your finger!” 


As the apartment door opened, the man saw 
that the shapely young woman was atüred in 
nothing but a see-through negligee. Pulling his 
eyes away with obvious difficulty, hc cleared his 
throat and said, “Good morning, ma'am. I'm 
the new gasman and I've come to read your 
meter.” 

"How can I be sure about that?" challenged 
the girl. "How do I know that you're not some 
rapist, eager to take advantage of a defenseless 
housewife who's alone in her apartment . . . 
and will be until her husband comes home as 
regular as clockwork at six-oh-five tonight?” 


We've had a report that the leading manu- 
facturer of imported vibrators is a Japanese 
firm that now calls itself Genital Electric. 


And, of course, you've heard about the ab- 
sent-minded exhibitionist who was arrested for 
exposing his whatchamacallit. 


The aging hardcoreskin-fick actor arrived 
home dog-tired. "Did you have a hard day at 
the studio, asked his girlfriend as she 
handed him a drink. 

“Yes—thank Cod 


he replied. 


Pu tell you,” smiled prom chairman Mose, 
"Why Peggy's the prom queen I chose: 
She's as cheerfully free 
As the wind on the sea— 
And besides, like the wind, Peggy blows!” 


Whatever happened to that nice Navy gun- 
nery officer you used to go around with?” the 
girl was asked. 

‘Oh, we broke up,” she sighed. “Lieutenant 
Gridley always fired before I was ready.” 


A man who wanted a loan to buy a new car 
was turned down by ıhe bank. Dejected, he 
went home and told his wife the bad news. 

“But, darling," she said, “why didn't you tell 
me about the car sooner? I have about three 
thousand dollars in a secret account in the 
bank.” 

“Three thousand dollars! Wherever did 
you get that kind of money?” 

"Well," she said, "it may have been rather 
sentimental of me, but I've put away a dollar 
from the house money every time we've made 
lov 
“Hell,” he said, "if I had known you were 
doing that, I'd have given you all my business!" 


The young boy entered the living room of his 


home and sat down beside his mother. After a 


"із mother answered. "Where 
such nonsense?" 

“Well, just now, Daddy was talking to some 
body on the phone," the lad continued, "and 
1 heard him say that last night he screwed the 
ass off his secretary." 


Heard а funny one lately? Send it on a post 
card, please, to Party Jokes Editor, PLAYBOY, 
Playboy Bldg., 919 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, 
ШІ. 60611. $50 will be paid to the contributor 
whose card is selected. Jokes cannot be returned. 


“Jenkins, have you ever wondered why your promotions in this 
company haven't kept pace with everyone else’s?” 


127 


THAT WAS THE YEAR THAT WAS 


tongue-in-cheek remembrances of sundry newsmakers who—in word or deed —made the headlines in 75 


humor 


By JUDITH WAX 


By Government fiat was General Lee 
Restored to full citizen's ranks; 

But, could they have put it to old Robert E., 
He might—tooking round—say, “No, thanks!” 


Much to our surprise, her 
First response was not to contact 
Playboy's own Advisor. 


‚Apollo met Soyuz in space 

And Russians came on board, 
But earth-bound Solzhenitsyn 
Couldn't dock with Jerry Ford. 


‘When Betty Ford sofi-lined affairs, 
Bluenoses were enraged; 

They'd go along with kissing, sure 
(If couples were engaged). 


Loretta Lynn has hit it big; 

The girl from Butcher Hollow 

Made record gold from birth control 
(No bitter pill to swallow). 


When Great Britain honored Chaplin, 
"Twas the first in any reign 

That the monarch’s loyal subject 
Was knighted with a cane. 


Though youthful Maharaj Ji has 
Devotees by the score, 

His ma got sore and said, “You can’t 
Play guru anymore!” 


When “Dear Ann” Landers got divorced, 


Ms. Bacon's sex made race-track news, 
But soon her fame grew wider: 

Her racing silks were Klansman's sheets 
(Was Mary a night rider?). 


Knievel's fractured all his bones 
And what we want to know is: 
Can this really be whats meant 
By “breaking into showbiz”? 


‚Arthur Ashe, at Wimbledon, 

Came away with honors. 

He swears by meditation's shtick 
(His mantra was “Beat Connors"). 


Though New York has financial woes, 
‚Abe Beame does all he can; 

But, speaking frankly, would you buy 
А used town from this man? | 


А challenge to Chicago's king 
Was once more left for dead, 
Assuring city workers 

Four more years of Daley bread. 


Why venture verse on champ Ali? 
He'd easily outwit us 

By spouting poems of his own. 
(We'd rather have him hit us!) 


Since he is into hose and scents 

As well as pigskin hurts, 

Should Namath huddle with the gents 
Or with the pom-pom girls? 


A book by Fanne Foxe came out 
In which she told it all; 

Maybe next a swimmer's guide: 
"The Tidal Basin Crawl." 


Cher and groom had troubles. 
Quick as you can flick a telly. 
Gregg got less exposure. 

Than the nation's fav'rite belly. 


Rudi Gernreich's topless suits 

Were once quite daring cuts. 

Now, with his Thong—no ifs or ands, 
But, zowie, plenty butts! 


QJ 


Dick Nixon was signed up to tell it to Frost 
And, to loosen his tongue for the tale, 

It's said near a million was what the deal cost 
(Confession is good for the sale). 


Zsa Zsa married number six; 
She's just so hard on men. 

He invented Barbie doll 

(Who now wants rocks from Ken). 


The “National Enquirer” 

Made the Kissingers quite nervous. 
They didn't mind the paper, 

But what lousy garbage service! 


Amin, when called a tyrant, 

Got a trifle temperamental; 

"TII bill the man,” big Idi swore, 
"Who says I am not gentle!” 


Mother Gandhi cooked a stew 
That had observers worried. 
(In Indira's recipe, 
Democracy got curried.) 


On the sea of matrimony 

May their ships spring not a leak 
While Christina 0. and bridegroom 
Go on dancing Greek to Greek. 


Anwar and Yitzhak signed а pact. 
(That Kissinger’s a whiz.) 

But biggest news from Israel: 
The truce of Dick and Liz. 


To raise a Russian sub turned out 
A multimillion scheme. Oh, 
Howard Hughes, can it be true 
Yov're really Captain Nemo? 


129 


ILLUSTRATIONS BY BILL UTTERBACK 


PLAYBOY 


FAILURE «его 


Nashville and Ragtime under the banner, 
“FAILURE-OF-AMERICA FAD.” George С. 
Scott revived Arthur Miller's epic drama 
ol failure, Death of a Salesman. Time 
started a section called “Failures.” 1 opened 
Nestor Kralys Amazing Sports Records 
& Other Oddities and read this quote: 
^UE always ишп to the sports page first. 
The sports page records people's accom- 
plishments; the front page has nothing 
but man's failures.'—former Chief Justice 
Earl Warren.” 

So 1 turned to the sports page and 
there was a story about the record num- 
ber of baseball-team managers that had 
been told to take a walk. I opened the 
New York Daily News and there was 
Linda McCartney, saying. "My dad went 
10 Harvard. my mother went to Smith 
and my brother went to Stanford. They 
really thought I was a failure." You've 
never seen Linda on the Carson show, 
have you? I turned on the televi 
some karmic relief. Егіс Seva 
peared and started complaini 
about “failures and neurotics in the news.” 
At first 1 thought he was talking about 
Henry Kissinger. Then I figured out that 
he was actually miffed at Sally Quinn 
for her book. It's all about failure—hers— 
with CBS Morning News. I escaped to a 
G65th-floor cocktail party at New York's 
Rainbow Grill, but my editor at PLAYBOY 
cornered ine and asked how the piece was 
coming. “Words fail," quoth I. I could not 
bear to tell him the awful truth: that my 
joumey to the center of failure was prov- 
ing to be an unqualified success. 


"The hottest thing in showbiz ri 
is failure. Look at Sally Quinn. The Wall 
Street Journal says. "But despite the 
failure, she was already a star." Despite? 
Because! Before she blew her big chance, 
she was Sally Who? outside W. 
Wrote some column or other for The 
Washington Post. Then she bombed with 
such memorable klutziness that Simon & 
Schuster gave her à plump contract to 
write a book all about it. Quinn obliged 
with a volume titled We're Going to 
Make You a Siar, which blames everyone 
with whom she came in contact at CBS 
for her fiasco. To hear her tell it, nobody 
even bothered to inform her that the 
little red light meant that the camera 
on. (One wonders what she thought 
n's book has done for 
Podhoretz’ Making 
It did for success back in 19 , made 
it an approved topic for cocktail-party 
chic chat. Reviewers were by turns as 
charmed and as nettled by Quinn's self- 
serving candor as they were by Podhoretz'. 
And readers lapped it up, because, in fact, 
there are more schleppers out there who 
want to be told that i's OK to fail, 
because it was probably everybody else's 


130 fault, than there are tycoons who need 


Podhoretz to tell them that they won't 
burn in hell for having striven, Besides, 
as a way of getting material for a first- 
person story, failing at CBS beats sailing 
alone across the Atlantic in a Sea Snark 
using only your teeth. 

Or take Ken Russell, who has taken 
the title of World's Most Successful Film 
Failure away from Mike Nichols. In the 
past seven years, Russell has directed a 
series of flops d’estime—Women in Love, 
The Music Lovers, The Devils, The Boy 
Friend and Savage Messiah. Watching 
Women in Love was better than being 
poked in the eye with a sharp stick— 
how could Oliver Reed and Alan Bates 
wrestling naked by firelight not be 
cute? But the rest of them! Get the hook! 
The entire paying audience for Savage 
Messiah could have fit into one Jerry 
Lewis Mini nema. And The Boy 
Friend—YVll never forget sitting in a 
huge provincial theater with three other 
people watching—all holy apostles and 
evangelists defend me—Twigey, winging 
her way through the play within the 
movie of The Boy Friend. And if you 
think I was forlorn and depressed, that 
was nothing compared to how Ken 
Russell's backers Дек when they saw the 
"Picture Gross ge of Fariery. Lon- 
dons Time Out opined that the movie 
was "a disease, a putrescent effluence of 
garbage encouraging and reinforcing, all 
the most negative modes of existence.” I 
wouldn't be so gentle. The Boy Frien 
the worst motion picture yet made. It is 
very probably the worst motion picture 
that will ever be made. What could be 
lower than a flop about a flop starring a 
has-been? The Army's V. D. horror movie 
is easier to look at and you don't have to 
listen to Twiggy sing. 

But Russell's cinematic failures have 
been so voluptuous, so extravagant that 
the critics and the audiences—and, more 
important, the financiers—keep coming 
ack for more. “If this is how sumptuous 
sters are, imagine how our rods 
wd cones would be tickled if by some 
bizarre mistake he ever made a good 
picture!” Russell has walked away from 
each clinker smelling like a Hitchcock; 
іе, a director whose latest you'd go to 
see even if the heavens parted and God 
Himself appeared and told you that it 
sucked. The result is that, despite himsell, 
Russell now has a palpable hit on his 
hands— Tommy, with a $10,000,000 gross, 
and I do mean gross. " am interested in 
failures," says Russell Fortunately for 
him, so are we. 

Ten years ago. nobody would touch 
Lenny Bruce with a stick. His run-ins 
with the law had left the telltale odor of 
failure about him, and being a loser 
doesn’t play so good in night clubs. At 
the time he posed for his famous post- 
mortem snapshots, Bruce couldn't have 


gotten booked into Mitzi’s Aurora Lounge 
in Pouawotamie, Nebraska. In part, this 
is because there was no such club and no 
such town, bı 
concerned 


such comedian. 
So what difference did it make? Lately. 
Lenny has become a growth industry 
There are Lenny plays. Lenny records. 
Lenny movies, Lenny books, Lenny post 
ers and Lenny T-shirts. One of these days, 
I'm going to open my Wall Street Journal 
and see an ad selling franchises in Lenny 
Bruce Turkey Systems. The fast-food 
that asks the musical question, 


Why the sudden boom in Bruc 
It certainly has little to do with his 
mor, which has been there waiting—in 
books and on records—all along. A lot of 
people say that it’s because he was a 
martyr. How so? He never did a day of 
е; and if he had held on a 


he would have lived to see his convictions 
reversed оп appeal, No, what has gotten 
the public 


ll hot and bothered about 
at smell of failure. What stank 
in 1966 is now perfume. Everybody takes 
it for granted that Bruce was a pathetic 
fuckup. The talkshow controversy is: 
Was he a nice pathetic fuck-up or a mean 
pathetic fuck-up? Lenny once said, "Satire 
is tragedy plus time. You give it enough 
time, the public, the reviewers will allow 
you to satirize it.” In America, success is 
failure plus time. 


Let us now praise famous turkeys. The 
Best and the Brightest get the Failure 
of the Era Award for the Indochina war. 
which, fortunately, closed out of town. 
Тһе U.S. and its allies fought continu- 
ously in Asia starting in 1942 to өсе 


whether or not the West would get to 
boss 


the industrialization of the East. 
which had been 
rly half a n 
Farmed once and 
nam is the focal 
Everybody 
led there. The d 
lomatic corps failed to avert the war 
the first place. The CIA fi 
out what was going on. The press fa 
y of the war. 
. The 


Presidents псе us we were 
winning. The Justice Department failed 
to convict Daniel Ellsberg. The right 
failed to pin the blame for bugging out 
on the left. The airlift failed, Even the 
an x failed: "The Mayaguez inci- 
dents 41 dead was a grotesque price to 
pay for 39 captive seamen. And just to 
make sure we didn't mar our Vietnam 
record. with even one small triumph, we 

failed to welcome the refugees 
Fortunately, we were distracted from 
the enormity of our failure in Indochina 
by the failure of the American political 
system. Watergate began with the failure 
(continued on page 136) 


ROOM DESIGN BY ANGELO DONGHIA 


RAND 
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attire By ROBERT L.GREEN 


vclusively for playboy: creative 
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FASHION is a nonverbal language. It communi 
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roundings. There are many other nonverbal 
lan 


guages, one of them being the rooms we live 
in. Like clothes, rooms also reflect lifestyle— 
their decor is an extension of ourselves, With 


LA 


this in mind, ү decided to add a new 


dimension to its annual Creative Menswear 
Collection by inviting talented interior design- 
ers Angelo Donghia and David Easton and 
Michael LaRocca to produce rooms inspired 
by the originals shown here. The language 


may be nonverbal, but the message is clear. 


Designer Yves St. Laurent combines on 18th Century— 
style cope with о contemporary jump suit—all 
counterpointed by an off-terrace room in which 
ontique is mixed with modern ond the continuation 
of floor tiling brings the outdoors inside. 


A ROOM DESIGN BY DAVID EASTON / MICHAEL LAROCCA 


Pierre Cardin sees a man’s at-home clothes as 
loose, sensuous and free, the ideal fabric being 
your own skin. Granted his cotton velvet wrap- 
around shirt jacket and cotton velvet slacks are 
not for the timid—and neither is a room with 
strong color accents and much open space- 


Arm“ 


ROOM DESIGN BY ANGELO DONGHIA 


The timeless elegance of troditionol styling is o 
direction unto itself—and Ralph Lauren for Polo 
does it best. Неге yau have a wool cable-knit 
sweater vest combined with a silk neck scarf, 
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ond so is the mirror-walled penthouse. 


ROOM DESIGN BY ANGELO DONGHIA 


Nino Cerruti knows thot lifestyles hove changed 
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mean the traditionol black tie. His alternative: 

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ond the strong detail of steel and gloss. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY OHTA 


ROOM DESIGN BY ANGEIO DONGHIA 


PLAYBOY 


FAILURE (continued from page 130) 


of George McGovern to make the break- 
a campaign issue. After all, if Mc- 
;overn had won, Nixon wouldn't have 
had us to kick around anymore, right? 
% attempt at an Executive coup 
McCord, Mitchell, Dean, 
Magruder, Young, Col- 
hnbach all failed. Nixon's ugly 
President failed 


son, 
carcer finally failed. Th 
the Presidency. The Presidency, which һе 
thought. of as a shield, failed Nixon. The 
Presidency, which we had thought of as 
the epitome of success, failed us. Con- 
gress’ attempt to impeach Nixon failed 
Jaworski’s attempt to bring Nixon before 
the bar of justice failed. And the failed 
President was replaced by the first man 
history to succeed to the Presidency 
without having to succeed. 


Onassis and Henry Ki 
of them have Aubbed egregiously in the 
ie O. performed a remark- 
t of failure: getting herself sub- 
stantially disinherited by Ari. Wives who 
choose to be 3000 miles from their hus- 
bands’ deathbeds don't usually fare too 
niftily at the reading of the wills. Henry's 
Viemamization blew up in his face. It 
was, after all, the war—not Calif 
and Florida—ihat was supposed to get 
Vietnamized, The Greek dictatorship he 
was supporting was shown the door. Even 
his policy toward Turkey became a turkey. 

"The auto industry, which manufactures 
our favorite success symbols, has failed. 
New-car sales have stalled and Detroit's 
response is to shrink the Cadillac. The 


pared with what Motown is pushi 
The Real Estate Investment Trusts, by 
which the big banks hoped to make a kill- 
ing financing a housing boom, have failed, 
along with the realestate-development 
industry. The stock market has crapped 
out. The mutualfund industry, ditto— 
it’s redeeming more shares than it's sell- 
ing. Franklin National Bank failed and 
its top managers were indicted (оғ fool- 
ing around with foreign currency. The 
ing empire of Nixon's buddy C. Arn- 
holt Smith, Mr. Upstairs of San Diego, 
has failed. Westinghouse is on the ropes 
A&P has WEO' itself into big financial 
trouble. There were 9915 business failures 
last year. The Penn Central managed to 
fail at going bankrupt. Pan Am wants to 
go on aid to dependent airlines. Volks- 
wagen has bungled in the jungle. You have 
10 boil Good Humor ice cream before eat- 
t Litton Industries would be in 
kruptcy right now if the Navy weren't 
ing it out to the tune of half a billion 
dollars in cost overruns on 30 DD-963 
destroyers. Even Litton’s attempt to 
launch the first DD-963 was a failure— 


nk the launch platform and mangle 
the ship. 

The black-power movement has failed, 
from the Southern Christian Leadership. 
Conference to he Black Panthers; from 
Ralph Abernathy to Eldridge Cleaver— 
who even failed as an exile. The move 
ment has failed —which could have been 
predicted from its canonization of such 
types as Ché Guevara, whose corpse may 
have been photogenic but who was, ob- 
jectively speaking, ure. The move- 
ment's founders are now out looking for 
new ways to fail. Tom Hayden, lor ex- 
ample. scolded radicals during Senato- 
rial try for not appreciating the necessity 
of winning. "I am not a voice in the 
lerness. The goal of this camp 
to win,” he said. “If we lose, it 
failure of organization.” Leave it to a 
movement grad to define the inevita- 
ble as failure. Rock 'n' roll has failed as 
far as its pretensions go. I mean, when 
Bob Dylan, inventor of Desolation Row, 
asks Don Kirshner, inventor of the 
Monkees, to accept his prize for best 
whatever on the First Annual Rock 
I'm going back to Surf City, 
where it's two to one. The countercul- 
ture hay failed, which is not really surpris- 
7 roots were in beatnikism, 
which considered success uncool if you 
were a meant you had more in- 
tegrity. Dennis Hopper knew that hippies 
were dippy—that was supposed to be the 
ge of Easy Rider. “We blew it.” says 
tain America—get it? The youth mar- 
ket, whose tresses concealed onionheads, 
n't. It thought the film was а cele- 
bration of youth and, to return the favor, 
made it boffo at the box office. Which en- 
abled Hopper to go down to Peru and 
blow it himself. Moral: Don't ever call 
your movie The Last Movie or it might 
just turn out to be your last movie. In 
Liberal Parents, Radical Childre: 
Decter says the entire gener 
nominally came of age in the 
failed to take its place in adult society. 
When you get right down to it, everything 
that came ош of the Sixties has flopped. 
from LSD to Max’s Kansas City. We even 
have decades that fail. 

Congress has failed to override Gerald 
Ford's veto so many times that the nation 
is to all intents being ruled autocratically 
by a nonelected pseudo President. The 
CIA has failed in its primary mission: to 
keep its own activities under wraps. The 
nesty program for antiwar heroes has 
failed. The dumbass win campaign was а 
failure, but no more so than the Govern- 
ment’s cntireanti-inflation campaign, from 
price controls on down. 

The system of Presidential politics is 
specifically designed to create a new crop 
of failures as we kick off the buycenten- 
nial. Remember that originally there was 
no also-ran. The runner-up became Vice- 


136 except as comic opera. It managed to President and got the Senate gavel as 


booby prize. Then the 12th Amendment 
made the Veepdom a separate elective 
office. So the men who ran for President 
and Vice-President and lost were instantly 
transmuted into Nebbishes. The number- 
two and number-four best humans i 
America became instant failures. Now 
we've gone primary happy, which means 
that instead of one Presidential election 
with two also-rans, there are 30 elections 
and a platoon of almost- 
every four years we make failures out of 
public citizens number two, four and five 
through umpteen. 

Sonny Bono's TV show fizzled, but that 
wasn't so bad. because last season 29 out 
of 44 new prime-time shows clinked. Don 
Rickles’ TV career sounds like a Don 
Rickles roast of Don Rickles. George Har- 
rison's tour was a mobile disaster arca. 
The former mop-top failed to browbeat 
arena animals 
to Lord Krishna. Now, if Lord Kri 
were a pop wine... . John Lennon looks 
like a failure. He can still get an occasion- 
al single on the radio, but then he 
shows up in a floppy beret and a white 
scarf, looking for all the world like a guy 
who lives out of two shopping bags and 
plays the cello on the street in front of 
Carnegie Hall for quarters. We're fortu 
nate that so many rock stars of the Sixties 
led themselves, because otherwise, 
awareness would be crowded with even 
more high-energy failures. Requiescat in 
pace, Stephanie Edwards. And a word of 
thanks to McLean Stevenson for a manly, 
though failed, attempt to get her to admit 
on The Tonight Show that she was fired 
from AM America, which failed to pro 
vide any real competition for the Today 
Show, just like Sally Quinn and the CBS 
Morning News. Finally, of course, AM 
America itself failed. 

And everything else has failed. For in- 
stance, New York has failed. Environ- 
mentalists have failed to stop the Alaska 
Pipeline. Squeaky failed, not to mention 
Sara Jane. In fact, it was the first two times 
in history that the Secret Service and a 
would-be assassin both led. Paul 
Schrade’s campaign to reopen the Robert 
Kennedy assassination case failed. England 
has failed. Кићап broke down in the back- 
stretch, The state of North Carolina failed 
to convict Joan Little—things are gettin 
bad when a Southern state c even na 
a black wor who stabs a white man 
the back with a le his pants 
are off. With Joe Colombo crippled, Joey 
Gallo iced, Sam Giancana wasted, Meyer 
Lansky and Angelo Bruno of Philly sick. 
Raymond Patriarca of New England on 
parole, Cosa Nostra is now cosa fallito. 
"The colleges and universities have failed. 
Ten years ago. they were riding high on 
Federal largess and war-baby 
Now they can't even. pay their 
ls. And just when democracy 
is failing in Portugal, Italy, India—not to 
mention right here in America, where 

(continued on page 240) 


“I just saw one of the beiter sights of the Riviera.” 


PA 
ys 


137 


138 


article By SCOTT BURNS 


The largest national debt of amy 
country in the world is that of the 
U. S., where the gross Federal public 
debt reached 486.4 billion dollars on 
June 30, 1974. This is expected to 
climb to 508 billion dollars by June 
30, 1975. This amount in dollar bills 
would make a pile 30,073 miles high, 
weighing 428,102 tons. 

--Тһе Guinness Book 
of World Records, 1975 


THE GUINNESS BOOK is wrong. Though the 
national debt exceeded the 508 billion 
dollars estimated for June 1975 and has 
been growing at the rate of one or two 
billion dollars a week, it is dwarfed by 
the liabilities of the Social Security system. 


Known to its defenders as a "compact be 
tween generations” and to its detractors 
as "the biggest chain letter in histor 
the Social Security system now has liabil- 
ities in excess of 2.4 trillion dollars. 

If you'd like to develop some perspec- 
tive on a figure this size, 2.4 trillion dol- 
lars is about twice as large as the gross 
national product (an unfathomable num- 
ber in its own right) and in the same 
league, give or take a continent or two, 
with the gross world product. 

Its also about equal to the value 
of all the financial assets owned by all 
Americans, including all corporate stock, 
all corporate bonds, all Government 
securities, all cash. all demand deposits 
and savings and all pension-fund rights. 
Ihe Social Security system oues a sum 
about equal to what everybody Aas. 


John Doe 


O 
N 
; (0 
2 st 
| 
ما‎ 
© 
= 
N 
3 
0р) 
| 


These liabilities are the result of leg. 
islative promi 
beneficiaries an income so that we will 
avoid the distasteful sight of poverty, 
vation and death among the elderly 
disabled. The total liability figure is ar 
rived at by mixing a small horde of 
accountants with a crowd of actuaries in a 
building full of computers and calculating 
the value of all future payments to all 
future beneficiaries over the next 75 years. 
While quibbles over minutiae may shift 
the liabilities up or down a few hundred 
billion, it is a fact that Social Security 
now mails 31,000,000 Americans monthly 
checks of an annual value іп excess 
of 67 billion dollars, Fabled corporate 
America has fewer than 29,000,000 bene- 
ficiaries, who receive less than 30 billion 
dollars annual dividends; and the 


s to pay present and future 


whole thing could be had, lock, stock and 
barrel, for less than a trillion. 

T he assets of the Social Security system 
are easier to understand. That’s because 
they're so insignificant. The Social Secu- 
rity Trust Fund amounts to less than 60 
billion dollars, less than a year's benefits 
at the current rate of disbursement. This 
is little more than petty cash when meas- 
ured against the benefit commitments 
and means the system is short some 2.345 
willion dollars and has two and a half 
cents in assets for every dollar of liabil- 
ities, a ratio unrivaled by any intentional 
fraud, including that of the illfamed 
Billy Sol Estes. 

The Social Security Administration is 
being forced to liquidate its tiny pool of 
assets to meet its growing benefit com- 
mitments. The trust fund will be gone 


SOCIAL SECURITY 
WILL PROVIDE FOR YOU 
IN YOUR OLD AGE, 
RIGHT? 

AND IF IT DOESN'T, 
THERE’S ALWAYS THE 
TOOTH FAIRY 
OR THE 
EASTER BUNNY 


sometime in the early Eighties. Then the 
Social Security tax will have to rise sharply 
or Social Security will have to vie with 
competitors for a share of the money raised. 
through personal and corporate income 
taxes. The most likely result will be some 
combinati of both—higher Social Secu- 
ty taxes and money from general reve- 
nues. In the end, it means higher taxes, 
because public debate is over which pocket 
to take the money from, not whether or 
not the money should be taken at all. 
Some would call a situation in which 
abilities exceed assets by 40 to 1 a 
bankruptcy. Certainly, in any private or 
commercial situation, the outraged cred- 
itors would pull the plug and force a 
bankruptcy long before the assets had 
been totally dissipated. Corporate pension 
plans are regarded as skating the edge 


article By SCOTT BURNS 


The largest national debt of any 
country in the world is that of the 
U. S., where the gross Federal public 
debt reached 486.4 billion dollars on 
June 30, 1974. This is expected to 
climb to 508 billion dollars by June 
30, 1975. This amount in dollar bills 
would make a pile 30,073 miles high, 
weighing 128,102 tons. 

— The Guinness Book 
of World Records, 1975 


THE GUINNESS BOOK is wrong. Though the 
national debt exceeded the 508 billion 
dollars estimated for June 1975 and has 
been growing at the rate of one or two 
billion dollars a weck, it is dwarfed by 
the liabilities of the Social Security system, 


Known to its defenders as a “compact be- 
tween generations” and to its detractors 
as "the biggest chain letter in history.” 
the Social Security system now has liabil- 
ities in excess of 2.4 trillion dollars. 

If you'd like to develop some perspec- 
tive on a figure this size, 2.4 trillion dol- 
lars is about twice as large as the gross 
national product (an unfathomable num- 
ber in its own right) and in the same 
league, give or take a continent or two, 
with the gross world product. 

It's also about equal to the value 
of all the financial assets owned by all 
Americans, including all corporate stock, 
all corporate bonds, all Government 
securities, all cash, all demand deposits 
and savings and all pension-fund rights. 
The Social Security system owes a sum 


about equal to what everybody has. 


These liabilities are the result of leg- 
islative promises to pay present and future 
beneficiaries an income so that we will 
avoid the distasteful sight of poverty, star- 
vation and death among the elderly and- 
disabled. The total liability figure is ar- 
rived at by mixing a small horde of 
accountants with a crowd of actuaries in a 
building full of computers and calculating 
the value of all future payments to all 
future beneficiaries over the next 75 years. 
While quibbles over minutiae may shift 
the liabilities up or down a few hundred 
billion, it is a fact that Social Security 
now mails 31,000,000 Americans monthly 
checks of an annual valuc in excess 
of 67 billion dollars. Fabled corporate 
America has fewer Шап 29,000,000 bene- 
ficiarics, who receive less than 30 billion 
dollars in annual dividends; and the 


whole thing could be had, lock, stock and 
barrel, for less than a trillion. 

The assets of the Social Security system 
are easier to understand. That's because 
they're so insignificant. The Social Secu- 
rity Trust Fund amounts to less than 60 
billion dollars, less than a year’s benefits 
at the current rate of disbursem This 
is little more than petty cash when meas- 
ured against the benefit commitments 
and means the system is short some 2.345 
trillion dollars and has two and a half 
cents in assets for every dollar of liabil 
ities, a ratio unrivaled by any intentional 
fraud, including that of the ill-famed 
Billy Sol Estes. 

The Social Security Administration is 
being forced to liquidate its tiny pool of 
assets to meet its growing benefit com- 
mitments. The trust fund will be gone 


SOCIAL SECURITY 
WILL PROVIDE FOR YOU 
IN YOUR OLD AGE, 
RIGHT? 

AND IF IT DOESN'T, 
THERE’S ALWAYS THE 
TOOTH FAIRY 
OR THE 
EASTER BUNNY 


г AMEN 
lt 


г RUE 


sometime in the early Eighties. Then the 
Social Security tax will have to rise sharply 
or Social Security will have to vie with 
competitors for a share of the money raised 
through personal and corporate income 
taxes. The most likely result will be some 
combination of both—higher Social Secu- 
rity taxes and money from general reve- 
nues. In the end, it means higher taxes, 
because public debate is over which pocket 
to take the money from, not whether or 
not the money should be taken at all. 

Some would call a situation in which 
liabilities exceed assets by 40 to 1 a 
bankruptcy. Certainly, in any private or 
commercial situation, the outraged cred- 
itors would pull the plug and force a 
bankruptcy long before the assets had 
been totally dissipated. Corporate pension 
plans are regarded ав skating the edge 


ILLUSTRATIONS BY ALEX EBEL 


141 


PLAYBOY 


of irresponsibility if less than 75 percent 
of their future benefit commitments are 
funded with cash. The pension-reform 
act of 1974, which required years of pious 
legislative rhetoric to produce, was in 
spired by a combination of occasional 
irregularities in some pension funds and 
the tendency of corporations to fund 
their pensions with promises. The West- 
ern Union Corporation is a good example: 
in 1971. it owed its [und 5364.000.000, or 
44 percent of the net worth of the com- 


іп assets to its pension fund. What this 


ns is that 33 cents of every dollar the 
shareholders think they own is actually 
owed to the company's employees—a si 

uation few company presidents are eager 
to explain, because they have provided 
themselves with pensions even more gen- 
erous than those provided the workers. 

While the Congress was expressing 
righteous indignation at corporate Amer- 
ica lor its unfunded liabi » it blithely 
allowed the unfunded liabilities of the 
Social Security system to burgeon to the 
point of absurdity: Social Sccurity owes 
its fund 82 percent of the net worth of 
the American public. We regularly сх- 
perience this liability in the form of pay 
cuts as the Social Security tax rises each 
year. Those at the top of the taxable- 
income scale for Social Security have seen 
their annual payment increase from $144 
in 1960 to S824 in 1975, an amount that 
is matched by the employer. 

Some would say Social Security cannot 
be compared with private pensions be- 
cause it is public and was never meant 
to accumulate assets. The American So- 
cial Security system is "pay as you go." a 
younger generation of workers financing 
the retirement of an older generation. 
Hence the compact between genera- 
tions. The trouble is diat future workers 
will balk at the when the payroll tax 
climbs to 23 percent, a rate predicted 
by one Senate study, Doubters need only 
consider the effect of such a tax on their 
own incomes to realize the lack of enthu- 
siasm with which our children will pay up. 

‘The idea of bankruptcy is played down 
by authorities; the Social Security 
they argue, can't go bankrupt, because it is 
supported by taxes and the power of the 
U. 8. Government. But the power to tax, 
however impressive, is not infinite and any 
assurance based on it avoids the 

Using an optimistic set of assump 
about future birth rates, employment, 
productivity. real wages and inflation, the 
total gap between Social Security revenues 
and benefits over the next 75 years is 
expected to be a monstrous 1.3 trillion 
dollars, a more than twice as large 
as the current national debt. 

The real question is, Where will the 
money come from? In effect. the Social 
Security system has a 2.4-trillion-dollar lien 


issue. 


142 against the carning power of present 


and future workers—almost 530,000 per 
worker—a lien that is growing faster than 
our ability to pay. Future generation gaps 
will be measured in billions of dollars 
rather than attitudes or beliefs. 

While all the actuaries and administra- 
tors are assuming that people will adjust 
to having an ever-increasing amount lifted 
from their salaries, I have to admit to 
some fears that the adjustments won't be 
made. Lately, I've been having visitations 
from Saint Murphy (the one best known 
for his law). He has graciously shown me 
a few passages from his monumental work, 
The Economic History of the United 
States. 


With unemployment peaking over 
i -1975 and then 
hanging there as a record 4,000,000 
people turned 21 yearly, it was real- 
ized that our institutions of higher 
education were destined to have the 
same role for people in the Seventies 
as the Midwestern silos and Hudson 
Liberty ships had had for grain in 
the Fifties—to keep a surplus off a 
glutted market. New degree programs 
proliferated (with Government sup- 
port) and by 1980, it was necessary to 
have a doctor of philosophy in san- 
itary science to obtain employment at 
the local bus station. 

The young (regarded as dangerous 
and disruptive) forced an early- 
retirement drive, which had the effect 
of expanding Social Security roles 
and bankrupting state unemploy- 
ment-insurance funds. While unem- 
ployment among the young remained 
painfully high, retirees collected both 
unemployment and Social Security. At 
long last, old age was truly golden. 
The Federal deficit grew handsomely. 

Young dropouts joined the barter 
economy, avoiding the money econ- 
omy altogether, a move that made 
them virtually immune from tax col- 
lection. Corporate America, mean- 
while, became increasingly restless 
about its role as the nation's primary 
tax collector. With payroll and with- 
holding accounting for 80 per- 
cent of ail Federal revenues by 1980 
and with employer commitments to 
Social Security contributions and un- 
employment insurance rising astro- 
nomically, many employers found 
ways to contract workers without 
making them employees, a tactic that 
reduced real labor costs. 

Thus, just as Federal deficits were 
becoming totally unmanageable, the 
tax-collection process became depend- 
ent on regular submissions by mil- 
ns of reluctant. individuals rather 
than by thousands of corporations. 
By 1990, the Internal Revenue Serv- 
ice had more agents than the 
Marines had infantrymen, But tax 
collections became virtually impos- 
le as the nation grew rebellious 


about the inevitable impoun 
seizures and public auctions. 
Treasury's first Tax 
Notes brought a nearly unanimous 
groan from the nation’s bankers, 
who remembered the infamous notes 
floated by the ill-fated city of New 
York 

The wild. debt-fueled 
that had been incorporated 
conventional vision of the future 
would probably have been realized 
in 1991 if the Government hadn't 
collapsed in scandal. A young re- 


porter revealed that HEW had been 
suppressing the use of the cure for 
cancer (discovered in 1976) in the 
belief that the economy could not 


endure the strain of an increase 
Ше expectancy. At the public hear- 
ings, the Secretary cited, as precedent, 
the deliberate decision (on the part 
of international health organizations) 
to withhold smallpox vaccine from 
underdeveloped nations. Had such 
decisions not been made in the early 
Seventies, he argued, there would 
have been an unnatural and econom- 
ically devastating rise in population. 
The Revenue Wars (1992-1999) 
followed the trials, the collapse of 
the Government and the failure of 
martial law. They resulted in the 
now-well-established system of Feudal 
States, which most believe is the only 
workable form of government. 


Alas, my nightmares may be doser to 
the truth than the benign projections of 
those who don't bother to ask who's going 
to pay the bill. The Social Security tax 
is already the most burdensome and re 
gressive tax in the nation. Since it is paid 
by all workers with any income and stops 
at an income of $14,100. the burden of 
the tax falls heaviest on those with the 
lowest incomes. It now exacts more money 
from half the nation’s workers than the 
Federal income tax and has become part 
of a pattern of legislative hypocrisy in 
which Congress offers regular rounds of 
“tax reform" with one hand and raises 
taxes via Social Security with the other. 

Between 1960 and 1975, the maximum 
Social Security tax rose 572 percent, so 
that in spite of two rounds of tax reform, 
the Federal income and thc Social 
Security taxes exact a larger portion of our 
incomes now than in 1960. The cause is 
not the income tax but Social Security 
for its rate of increase works out to 12 
percent a year, compounded for 15 years! 

‘The Social Security tax has become a 
significant part of the revenue collected by 
the Federal Government: it increased from 
16 percent of the total in 1960 to 29 per. 
cent in 1974. Since this tax is levied 
without exemptions, our dependence on 
a tax that hits the poor mercilessly has 
nearly doubled in the past 15 years. 

A performance like that makes you 

(continued on page 208) 


SPORTING 
LIFE 


article 


BY JIM HARRISON 


after deep woods, fast water and 
brilliant tidal flats, there is only 
one greater pleasure on this eorth 


fr was a melancholy evening in a northern 
Michigan tavern when I sat down to watch 
The Guns of Autumn, a CBS News docu- 
mentary ostensibly about hunting in Amer 
ica. In what 1 thought to be a strange tack. 
hunting was presented as a white-trash 
nt habit, something that ill-educated. mostly 
en A. 2555 224 = rural boobs do every fall, In one of the 
strangest forms of advocacy journalism I'd 
ever seen, CBS developed an idea of hum- 
ing, then wandered around the country 
shooting lootage that supported its idea. It 
was, in short, the total New York ch 
shot: badly researched. poorly filmed and 
edited, full of honkie slurs that most poor 
hunters wouldn't begin to comprehend 
For the first time as a leftist I felt some 
sympathy for Republic 
about media bi 
But my own irateness wa 
the program, after all. was about shooting 
not hunting, and the bumbling MeCarthy- 
ism of the CBS attack even offended the 
sense of fairness among the nonhunters 
in my tavern. Why did CBS bother? Was 
it the negative influence of the National 
Rifle Association on gun control? Perhaps 
You would undoubtedly find that hunters 
as a group don't prey on their fellow 
man, despite their closets full of guns. 
Any anger I felt quickly turned to despair 
How could one of my primary obsession 
hunting, be so totally and woefully mis 
understood oncamera, as if Martians were 
filming Venutic 
so sepi 


as who complai 


short-lived; 


ns * Has "city" been 
ated from that it has 
become a different planet? I'm usually 
tolerant when other writers, on learning, 
1 hunt and fish, say. "Oh. the Hemingway 
bit." as if the late doctor's son from Chi. 
cago had a corner on the outdoors. But. 
the CBS program was a sloppy wholesale 
blitzkrieg on my sense of reality and 
honesty 

Ultimately, what is wrong with hun- 
ing is a great deal worse than CBS con- 
ceded. And what is right. the grace and 
beauty of the sport, was left out. It was 
as if the whole spectrum were represented 
by a single color. Television news is good 
at singular items when there arc hordes of 
people acting stupidly, dramatically—or 
on puddle-deep numbers like the capture 145 


ILLUSTRATION BY STEVE BERMAN 


PLAYBOY 


of Patty Hearst. But when it attaches the 
cameras to something so ingrained and 
ncient as hunting, a sport that is doubtless 
рап of our racial memory, the result is a 
ghastly sort of nonevent as embarrassing 
as the "You won't have Dick Nixon to 
kick around anymore" of years past. The 
truth of the matter is novelistic, no more 
or less than the human who picks up a 
shotgun or a fishing rod, for that matter, 
1 carries along with him the baggage of 
lI that he is on earth. 

1t begins very young up in the country 
whether you arc raised on a farm or in 
one of the small villages, which, though 
they often double as county seats, rarely 
number more than 1000 souls. There is 
a lumber mill down by the river that 
manufactures crossties for the railroad, 
and the creosote the ties are treated with 
pervades the air. It is the smell of the 
town, depending on the wind: fresh-cut 
pine and creosote. In the center of town 
there's a rather ugly yellow-brick court- 
house, plain Depression architecture. The 
ge is in northern Michigan and does 
not share the quaintness of villages in 
New England or the Deep South, being 
essentially historyles. There are three 
baronial, rococo houses left over from 


the hasty passing of the lumber era, but 
most dwellings are characterized by their 
drabness, simply places for the shop 


keepers to hide at night. 

In the spring and summer the boys 
n the town carry either baseball mitts 
or fish poles on their bicycles. Two dif- 
ferent types are being formed and 
though they might merge and vary at 
times, most often they һауе sct them- 
selves up for life. During the endless 
five months of winter one boy will spend 
his cvenings poring over the fishing- 
tackle sections of the Sears, Roebuck and 
Montgomery Ward catalogs while the 
other boy will be looking at the mitis, 
bats and balls. One tinkers with a reel 
while the other sits in a chair plopping 
a baseball over and over into his glove 
just recently oiled with neat'sfoot. One 
reads about the Detroit Tigers while 
ШЕ other reads Outdoor Life and fanta- 
bout the time when he will be 
Vased is! Fisk shotgun. He already ás 
n old .22 single-shot, but he knows it is 
an interim weapon before the shotgun 
and, later yet, a -30-30 decr rifle. 

The village is surrounded by woods 
and lakes, rivers and swamps and some 
not very successful farms The boy 
wanders around among them with a 
Word War Two surplus canteen and 
a machete he keeps hidden in the garage 
from his mother’s prying eyes. His family 
owns one-room cabin a dozen miles 
from town where it spends the summer 
He shoo deer with a weak bow and 
arrow. On many dawns he accompanies 
his father trout fishing о yearby 
river; he is forced to fish the same hole 


a 


146 all day to avoid getting lost. The same 


evening he will row his father around 
the lake until midnight bass fishing. Т 
boy and a friend sit in a swamp despite 
the slime and snakes and mosquitoes. 
They pot two sitting grouse with a 29 
nd roast them until they are black. 
The boys think they are Indians and 


sneak up on a cabin where some secre- 


taries are v 


ig. A few feet behind 
the window in the lamplight a secre- 
tary is naked. A true wonder to discuss 
while walking around in the woods and 
gullies or while diving for mud turtles 
or while watching a blue heron in her 
nest in a white pine. 


decades late 


Wars. Marches. 
Flirta ics, teaching, 
marriage; a pleasant love affair with al- 
cohol. Our boy, now hopefully a man, is 
standing in a skiff near the Marquesas 
30 miles out in the Gulf from Key West. 
He's still fishing with a Ну rod, only for 
tarpon now instead of bass, bluegill or 
trout. He wants to catch a tarpon over 
100 pounds on a fly rod, Then let it go 
and watch it swim away. Today, being 
an open-minded soul, he's totally blown 
away on a triple hit of psilocybin. And 
a few numbers rolled out of Colombian 
buds add to the sweet stew. It’s blissful 
except for an occasional football-field. 
sized red hole the sky and for the 
fact that there are no tarpon in the 
ncighborhood. A friend is rubbing him 
self with an overripe mango. Then he 
rubs a girl who is fixing a lunch of 
white wine, yoghurt and strawberries. 
Where are the tarpon today? Maybe 
China. They want to hear the gill plates 
raule when the tarpon jumps. The over- 
ripe mango feels suspiciously familiar 
Pcach jokes should be changed to mango 
jokes. 

An osprey struggles overhead with a 
toolarge fish. Ospreys can drown that 
way, not being able to free their talons 
in the water. The flight slows painfully. 
Between the great bird's shricks we can 
hear the creak and flap of wings and the 
tidal rush through die mangroves. Lunar. 
The bird reaches the nest and within 
minutes has torn the houndfish to pieces. 
A meal. We watch each. other across а 
deep-blue channel, 

Barracuda begin passing the skiff with 
regularity on the incoming tide but no 
tarpon. We rig a fly rod with a 
leader for the barracuda's sharp teeth. 
wonderfully red fly that 
atches the red holes that periodically 
ppear in the sky. The fish love the 
Hy and the strike is violent, so similar to 
touching an electric fence it brings a 
shudder. The barracuda dashes off across 
the shallow water of the flat, is fought to 
the boat and released. 

The midafternoon sun is brilliantly 
hot. so they move the boat some 15 miles 
to a key that doubles as a rookery for 
pelicans and man-of-war, or 


Two 


frigate, birds. They watch the birds 
for hours, and the sand sharks, rays. bi 
fish and barracuda that slide past the boat. 

Why get freaked or trip while you're 
fishing? Why not? You do so only rarely. 
You're fishing in the first place to avoid 
boredom, the habitual, and you intend 
to vary it enough to escape the lassitude 
attached to mast of our activities. If you 
rry to sport а businesslike conscious 
ness, its no sport at all. Only an ex 
tension of your livelihood, which you are 
presumably tying to escape. 

But how did we get from there to 
here across two decades? In sport there 
is a distinct accounting for taste, That 
corn pone about going through life with 
a diminishing portfolio of enthusiasms is 
awesomely truc. We largely do what we 
do, and are what we are, by exduding 
those things we find distasteful. You 
reduce your life to those few things that 
you know you are never going to quit. 
‘And when you reach 35 your interest in 
these few things can verge on the hysteric: 
A freshly arrived single white hair in a 
ideburn can get a book written or in- 
stigate a trip to Africa. What energy you 
have left becomes obsessive and single- 
minded. When 1 am not writing poetry 
or novels I want to fish or, to a slightly 
lesser degree, hunt grouse and woodcock. 

But this is to be an idealogue about 
something that is totally a sensuous, often 
sensual, experience. We scarcely want a 
frozen tract by Jerry Garcia on just why 
he likes "brown eyed women and red 
grenadine.” Visceral is visceral. Always 
slightly comic, man at play in America 
has John Calvin tapping him on thc 
shoulder and telling him to please be 
serious. For beginners you have to learn 
to tell John to fuck off. 

"Twenty miles off the coast of Ecuador 
near the confluence of the El Nino and 
Humboldt currents. It's just after dawn 
and already the equatorial sun is shim- 
mering down waves of heat. | count it 
lucky that when you skip bait for marlin 
the boat is moving at eight to ten knots, 
thus crea breeze. The port diesel is 
ng, then is silent. We rock gently 
in the prop wash, then are caught in a 


gine. Or the starboard engine. It was 
the only engine. The pulse quickens. 
My friend smiles and continues photo- 
graphing a gre: of m 
birds hovering far above us, far more 
than we have ever seen in the Florida 
Keys. It must be hundreds of miles to 
the closest pesticide. The birds follow 
schools of bait as do the striped marlin 
and are considered а good sign. The cap- 
tain looks at me and shrugs, the ur 
versal language of incompetence. He 
speaks no English and I no Spanish. My 
friend, who is a French count. pretends he 

(continued on page 214) 


агас 


1F SOMEONE were to ask 
you what has eight legs, 
five boobs, three penises 
and «ап perform every 
wick in the book, the 
answer wouldn't be a 
transexual spider at 
a hookers convention. 
It's the ink-pad porn set 
shown here that the re- 
nowned artist and former 
PLAYBOY Contributing 
Editor Tomi Ungerer 
fashioned one terribly 
horny night, What art- 
ist Ungerer has donc is 


STAMP 
OUT 
SEX! 


instant assignation? 
ménage à trois? daisy 
chain? anything goes in 
tomi ungerer's ink-pad org y 


lashion assorted male/ 
female anatomical parts 
from rubber and glu 
them to dear Lucite 
blocks—thuscnabling the 
stamper to see that 
extremities fit snugl 

the right sockets. U 
tunately, Ungerer has no 
immediate plans to mar 
ket his set, but if he 
did, imagine how postal 
derks, routing supe 
sors, junior executives 
and other nine-to-five 
rubberstampers would 
react when give: 
portunity to 

what they mean by UR- 
GENT, SPECIAL DELIVERY 
and THIS JOB в VERY HOT! 


FALCONER 


fictio» By JORN CBEEWER the cuards 
were out to destroy his last link with love 


THE MAIN ENTRANCE 10 Falconer—the only entrance for 
convicts, their visitors and the stafi—was crowned by ап 
escutcheon representing Liberty, Justice and, between the 
two, the power of legislation. Liberty wore a mobtap and 
carried а pike. Legislation was the Federal eagle, armed with 
hunting arrows. Justice was conventional; blinded, vaguely 
erotic in her clinging robes and armed with a headsman's 
sword. The bas-relief was bronze but black these days —as 
black as unpolished anthracite or onyx. How many hundreds 
had passed under this—this last souvenir they would see of 


ILLUSTRATION BY CHRISTIAN PIPER 


PLAYBOY 


man's struggle for coherence? Hundreds, 
one guessed, thousands, millions was close. 
Above the escutcheon was a dedension of 
the place names: Falconer Jail 1871, 
Falconer Reformatory, Falconer Federal 
Penitentiary, Falconer State Prison, Fal- 
coner Correctional Facility, Falconer 
Rehabilitation Center and the last, which 
had never caught on: Phoenix House. 
Now cons were inmates, the assholes were 
officers and the warden was a superintend- 
ent. Fame is chancy, God knows, but 
Falconer—with its limited accommoda- 
tions for 2000 miscreants—was as famous 
as Old Bailey. Gone were the water tor- 
ture, the striped suits. the lock step. the 
balls and chains, and there was a softball 
field where the gallows stood; but at 
the time of which I'm writing, leg irons 
were still used in Auburn. You could tell 
the men from Auburn by the noise they 
made. 

Loomis (fratricide, zip to ten, number 
734-508-32) saw none of this from the 
catwalk of an abandoned water tower 
where he goldbricked with his friend 
Jody. He had seen the escutcheon and 
would not, he thought sadly, ever see it 
again. After less Шап a year, he was still 
sad. What he could see were the old cell 
blocks and, beyond those, a two-mile 
suetdh of river with cliffs and mountains 
оп the western shore. This was best эсеп 
from the old death house and was known 
as The Millionaire’s View. It was a warm 
afternoon in July and Jody was telling 
his story. Jody was crowding 30, claimed 
to be 24 and could pas. He had an 
American face—very dean, princely in 
angles and responses, but with- 
out a hair, a grain, a trace of nostalgia. 
It was charming, easy and as persuasive as 
a poster. but peel it off the hoarding and 
there was nothing left but the hoarding. 
He had told his story piecemeal to 
Loomis, but patched together, the defini- 
tive version—and there were many—went 
like this: "It's really in the past. I don't 
have any future and I'm heavy on the 
past. I won't sce the parole board for 12 
years, What 1 do around here doesn’t 
matter much, but I do like to stay out of 
the hole. I know there's no medical ev- 
idence for brain damage, but after you've 
hit yourself about 14 times, you get silly. 
Anyhow. | was indicted on 53 counts. I 
had a $45,000 house in Levittown, a 
lovely wife and two great sons, Michael 
and Dale. But I was in a bind. I don't 
think people wich your kind of lifestyle 
understand. I hadn't graduated from high 
school, but I was up for a vice-presidency 
in the mortgage department of Fiduciary 
Trust. Nothing was moving, my lack of 
education was a drawback and they were 
g people off. I just couldn't make 
enough money to support four people 
and when I put the house up for sale, I 
discovered that every house on the block 
was on the market, I thought about money 
all the time. I dreamed about money. I 


152 picked dimes, nickels and pennies off the 


sidewalk. I was bananas about money. 1 
had a friend named Howie and he had a 
solution. He told me about this old guy— 
Massman—who ran a stationery store in 
the shopping center. He had two pari- 
mutuel tickets worth $7000 cach. He kept 
them in a drawer beside his bed. Howie 
knew this because he used to let the old 
man blow him for a fin. Howie had a wife, 
kids, a woodburning fireplace but no 
money. We decided to go after the tickets. 
In those days, you didn't have to register 
them. It was $14,000 in cash and no way of 
tracing it. So we watched the old man for 
2 couple of nights. It was easy. He closed 
up the store at eight, drove home, got 
drunk, ate something and watched TV. 
One night, when he dosed the store and 
got into his car, we got in with him. He 
was very obedient, because I was holding 
а loaded gun against his head. The gun 
was Ho He drove home and we 
lock-stepped him up to the front door, 
poking the gun into any part of him that 
was convenient. We marched him into 
the kitchen and handcuffed him to this 
big, goddamned refrigerator. |t was very 
big, a very recent model. We asked him 
where the tickets were and he said they 
were in the lockbox. If we pistol-whipped 
him, like he said we did, it wasn't me. It 
could have been Howie, but 1 didn't see 
it, He kept telling us that the tickets 
were in the bank. So then we turned the 
house upside down looking for the tickets, 
but I guess he was right. So we turned on 
the TV for the neighbors and left him 
chained to this ten-ton refrigerator and 
took off in his car. The first car we saw 
was a police car. This was just an accident. 
but we got scared. We drove Massman's 
car into one of those car washes where 
you have to get out of the car when it 
hits the shower. We put the car in the 
slot and took off. We got a bus into Man 
hattan and said goodbye at the terminal. 
You know what that old son of a bitch 
Massman did? He wasn't big and he 
wasn’t strong and he wasn't young, but 
he started inching this big, fucking re- 
frigerator across the kitchen floor. Believe 
me, it was cnormous. [t was really a nice 
house, with lovely furniture and carpets, 
and he must have had one hell of a time 
with all those carpets bunching up under 
the refrigerator. but he got out of the 
kitchen and down the hall and into the 
living room, where the telephone was. 
1 can imagine what the police saw when 
they got there: this old man chained to 
а refrigerator in the middle of his living 
room with hand-painted pictures all over 
the walls. That was Thursday. They 
picked me up the following Tuesday 
They already had Howie. 1 didn't know 
it, but he already had a record. I don't 
blame the state. We did everything wrong, 
Burglary, — pistobwhipping, kidnaping. 
Kidnaping's a big no-no. Of course, I'm 
the next thing to dead, but my wife and 
my sons are still alive. She sold the house 
at a big loss and went on welfare. She 


comes to see me once in a while, but you 
know what the boys do? First they got 
permission to write me and then Michael, 
the big one, wrote me a letter saying that 
they would be on the river in a rowboat 
at three on Sunday afternoon and they 
would wave to me. I was out at the fence 
at three on Sunday and they showed up 
They were way out 
c 
could see them 
them and they waved their arms and I 
waved my arms. Oh, shit! That was 
the autumn and they stopped coming 
when the place where vou rent boats 
shut down, but they started again in the 
spring. They were much bigger. 1 could 
see that, and then it crossed my mind 
that for the length of time I'm here, 
they'll get married and have children and 
I know they won't stuff their wives and 
their children into a rowboat and go 
down-river to wave to Daddy. . . ." 

7754.508-32, you got a visitor." 
the public address. 

“That's you," said Jody. "Who do you 
think itis?" 


It was 


guess. She hasn't been here 
for three months. It could be someone 
selling subscriptions or encyclopedias. It 
could be my lawyer. It might be my son. 

Loomis climbed down the ladder, rust 
on his hands, jogged up the road past 
tbe firchouse and into the tunnel. It 
was four flights up to cell block F. 
"Visitor" he said to the guard who let 
him into his cell. He kept a white shirt 
for visits. This was dusty. He washed 
his face and combed his hair with water 

"Don't take nut t a handker- 
chief,” said the guard. 

“I know, I know, I know. . . ." 
he went to the door of the 
where he was frisked. Through the glass. 
he saw that his visitor was Marcia. 

There were no bam in the visitors 
room, but the glass windows were chicken 
wired and open only at the top. A skinny 
cat couldn't get in or out, but the sounds 
of the prison moved in freely оп the 
breeze. She would, he knew, have passed 
three sets of bars—dang, dang, clang— 
and waited in an anteroom where there 
or benches, soft drink machines 
play of the convicts’ art with 
prices stuck in the frames. None of the 
cons could paint, but you could always 
count on some wetbrain to buy а vase 
of roses or a marine sunset if he had 
been told that the artist was a lifer. There 
were no pictures on the walls of the 
ors room, but there were four signs 
that said; No SMOKING. NO WRITING. NO 
EXCHANGE OF OBJECTS. VISITORS ARE AL- 
LOWED ONE KISS. This was also in Spanish. 
мо SMOKING had been scratched out. The 
visitors’ room in Falconer, he knew, was 
the most lenient in the East. There were 
no obstructions—nothing but a three-foot 
counter between the free and the unfree 
While he was being frisked, he looked 
d at the other visitors—not so much 


ай” 


o'cloch. Watch your 


“Is twelve 


153 


PLAYBOY 


154 was a summer afternoo 


out of curiosity as to see if there was 
nything there that might offend Mar 
A con was holding a baby. A weeping 
old woman talked to а young man. Near- 
est to Marcia was a chicano couple. The 
woman was beautiful and the man was 
caressing her bare arıns. 

Loomis stepped into this no man's 
land and came on hard, as if he had 
been catapulted by circumstance into the. 
visit. "Hello, darling," he exclaimed, as 
he had exclaimed "Hello, darling," at 
ports, the foot of the 
мау, journey’s end; but in the past, 
he would have worked out 2 timetable, 
aimed at the soonest possible sexual 
consummation. 

“Hello,” she said. “You look well.” 

"Thank you. You look beautiful. 

“I didn’t tell you 1 was coming because 


it didn’t seem necessary. When I called 
t0 make an appointment, they told me 
you weren't going anywhere.” 


“That's truc." 


She's gotten terribly fat 
"Are you getting a divorce? 
“Not now. I don't feel like talking with 

any more lawyers at this point.” 

“Divorce is your prerogative.” 

“I know." She looked at the chicano 
couple. The man had stroked his way 
up to the hair in the girl's armpits, Both 
their eyes were shut. 

“What,” she asked, "do you find to 
talk about with these people?" 

"I don't see much of them," he said, 
“excepting at chow, and we can't talk 
then. You see, I'm in cell block Е. It’s 


your cell 

“Twelve by seven," he said. "The 
only things that belong to me are the 
н, the Descartes and a colored 
photograph of you and Peter. It's an old 
one. Г took it when we had a house on 
the Vineyard. How is Peter?" 
ine." 

“Will he ever come to see me?" 

“I don’t know, I really don't know. Не 
doesn't ask for you. The social worker 
thinks that, for the general welfare, i 


Miró р 


best at the moment that he not see his 
father in jail for murder. 


"Could you bring me a photograph?" 
1 could if 1 ha 
'Couldn't you take one?" 

"You know I'm no good with a 
camera." 

Someone on cell block B struck a five- 
string banjo and began to sing: "I got 
those cell-block blues / I'm feeling blue 
all the time / 1 got those cell-block blues / 
Fenced in by walls I can't climb. . . ." 
He was good. The voice and the banjo 
were loud, clear and true and brought 
into that border country the fact that it 
all over that 


part of the world. Out of the window 
Loomis could sce some underwear and 
fatigues hung out to dry. They moved 
in the breeze as if this movement—like 
the movements of ants, bees and geese— 
had some polar ordination, For a moment, 
he felt himself to be a man of the 
world, a world to which his responsive- 
ness was marvelous and absurd. 

opened her bag and looked for 


she said. 

"Sort of,” he said. 

“1 never understood why you so liked 
the Army." 

He heard, from the open space in 
front of the main entrance, a guard 
shouting: "You're going to be good boys, 
aren't you? You're going to be good boys. 
You're going to be good, good, good 
boys.” Manacled in groups of ten, looking 
utterly bewildered and (if they were 
young) gazing up at the blue sky with an 
innocence that seemed divine, they would 
go under the escutcheon, under Liberty, 
Justice and Legislation. He heard the 


dragging ring of metal and guessed they'd 
come from Auburn 


she said. Peevishness 
‘Oh, goddamn it,” she 
nation. 
“һе asked. 

“I can't find my Kleenex, 
She was foraging in the bag. 

“I'm sorry,” he said. 

"Everything seems to fight me today,” 
she said, "absolutely everything.” She 
dumped the contents of her bag onto the 
counter. 

"Lady, lady,” the turnkey who 
sat above them on an elevated chair like 
a lifeguard. "Lady. you ain't allowed to 
have nothing on the counter but soft 
drinks and butt cans.’ 
1," she said, "am a taxpayer. I help 
10 support this place. It costs me more 
10 keep nıy husband in here than it costs 
me to send my son to а good school. 
dy. lady. please.” he said. "Get 
that stuff off the counter or TU have to 
kick you out.” 

She found the small box of paper and 
pushed the contents of her handbag bı 
to where they belonged. Then Loomis 
covered her hand with his, deeply thrilled 
at this recollection of his past. She pulled 
her hand away, but why? Had she let 
him touch her for a minute, the warmth, 
the respite would have lasted for weeks. 
“Wall,” she said, regaining her composure, 
her beauty, he thought. 

‘The light in the room was unkind, but 
she was equal to its harshness. She had 
been an authenticated beauty. Several 
photographers had asked her to model, 
although her breasts, marvelous for 
nursing and love, were a little too big 
for that line of work. "I'm much too shy, 
much too lazy," she had said. She had 
accepted the compliment, her beauty had 
been documented. 


said with pure indi 


she said. 


talk to Mummy when there's a mirror 
in the room. She's really balmy about 
her looks.” 

Narcissus was a man and he couldn't 
make the switch, but she had, maybe 12 
or 14 times, stood in front of the full- 
length mirror their bedroom and 
asked him: "Is there another мота! 
my age in this county who is as beauti 
as D" She had been naked, overwhelm- 
ingly so, and he had thought this an 
invitation; but when he touched her, 
she said: "Stop fussing with my breasts 
I'm beautiful." She was, too. 

He knew that after she'd left, whoever 
had seen her—the turnkey, for instance— 
would say: “If that was your wife, you're 
lucky. Outside the movies, I never seen 
anyone so beautiful.” 

If she was Narci: did the rest of 
the Freud doctrine follow? He had 
never, within his limited judgment, taken 
this very seriously. She had spent three 
weeks in Rome with her old roommate, 
M Lippincot Hastings Cugliemi. 
Three marriages, a fat settlement for 
each and a very unsavory sexual reputa- 
tion. They then had no maid and he 
and Peter had cleaned the house, 
and lighted fires and bought flowers to 
celebrate her return. from Italy. He met 
her at Kennedy. Тһе plane was late. It 
was alter midnight. When he bent to kiss 
her, she averted her face and pulled 
down the floppy brim of her new Roman 
hat. He got her bags, got the car and 
they started home. “You seem to have 
had a marvelous time,” he said. 

“I have never," she said, "been so 
happy in my life." He jumped to no con- 
clusions. The fires would be burning. 
the flowers gleaming. In that part of the 
world, the ground was covered with dirty 
snow. 

"Was there any snow 
asked. 

“Not in the city," sh 
a little snow on the Via 
sec it. I read about i 
Nothing so revolting as thi: 

He carried the bags 
room. Peter was there im his pajamas. 
She embraced him and cried a little. The 
fires and the flowers missed her by a 
mile. He could try to kiss her . but 
he knew that he might get a right to the 
n 1 get you a drink?” he asked, 
voice that rose. 
she said, dropping an 


п Rome?" he 


said. “There was 
. I didn't 
the paper 


peel and 
on the 
remind 
She went into 
the kitchen, wet a sponge and began 

to wash the door of the refrigerator. 
“We cleaned the place,” he said with 
genuine sadness. "Peter and I deaned 
(continued on page 188) 


PLAYBOY'S 
PLAYMATE REVIEW 


a roundup of the past delightful dozen 


LAST YEAR certainly wasn't reassuring to male 
chauvinists. Ladies KO'd male opponents іп 
baxing rings from Manhattan to Phoenix and, 
in the shoot-'em-up: of real life, generally car- 
ried an like Jesse James, knacking off banks 
and leading the federoles an all sorts of wild- 
goose chases. Which was only the local news; 
‘overseas, wamen were heading up more and 
more governments (and occasionally heading 
them down the road ta perdition). We are left, 
however, with one consoling fact: Even though 
you can no longer identify the girls by the way 
they act, you can still tell them, in most cases, 
by the way they laok. And, fortunately far us, 
there has been na shortage af Playmates to 
prove it. Herewith, 12 ladies about whose 
femininity there is no daubt. One will be se- 
lected Playmate of the Year. The final chaice 
is ours, but we do welcome your nominatians. 


Miss Octoben 


Jill De Vries still lives out in 
the southern Illinois sticks and 
works at her boyfriend's 
general store—where her 
duties now include signing 
autographs. In fact, she re- 
ports that Bloomington, which 
doesn't produce a whole lot 
of Playmates, kind of “flipped 
out” over her gatefold ap- 
pearance, making her a local 
celebrity. Jill, though, is more 
than just a local smash, as 
we've sent her on success- 
ful promotional assignments 
to New York—and Japan. 
We don't believe in keep- 
ing a good thing to ourself. 


Miss danuany 


ime gig as a photo 
stylist in our West Coast 
studio, because, after all, you 
can't be doi everything. 
She's been doing a lot of 
modeling—and redecorating 
her new apartment. She's still 
studying music at Los Angeles 
City College—and going cu- 
riosity hunting in art-deco 
shops. Also, she's studying 
yoga now—and, in private 
sessions with a professional 
estrologer, learning to chart 
the stars. Which makes a 
helluva lot of sense in such a 
star-filled city as Los Angeles. 


Misa Decemben 


Nancie Li Brandi, who was 
dealing blackjack in Nevada 
when PLAYEOY found her, has 
moved to Los Angeles, where 
she’s been going through all 
the changes—having photog- 
raphers take test shots, etc. — 
necessary to get into model- 

g. She's also made promo. 
tional appearances at several 
auto shows for her old boss 
Bill Harrah, in Seattle, and 
for us, in a variety af places, 
including her home town of 
Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. 
And, says Nancie, she's gal 
“a lot of things pending." That 
we find very easy to believe. 


Miss July 


Lynn Schiller, right, in her 
words, has been “trying to 
keep my own career going 
and to take care of ту man— 
those are the two most im- 
portant things in my life." As 
for the former, she's gone 
back to studying with Lee 
Strasberg (and trying to se- 
cure membership in Ihe Screen 
Actors' Guild). And the lat- 
ter—well, Lynn's man 

Glenn Frey of Eagles, a su- 
perpopular rock group, and 
whenever she can, she goes 
with him to the gigs. Proving 
again that rock stars do have 
alot more fun than other folks. 


Miss Septemben 


Mesina Miller tells us that the 
sickly parakeet she found at 
an L.A. swap meet is doing 
just fine—although she has 
to hang its cage pretty high 
to keep her cat from having 
it for dinner. Speaking of 
which, Mesina hooked a 20- 
pound albacore on a fishing 
trip off the Mexican coast. And 
she’s still taking flying lessons 
{It's hard to let go of that, 
once it's in your blood"). 
She's also reactivated her 
real-estate license, after sev- 
eral people asked her to 
help sell their properties. 
Mesina specializes in soft sell 


Miaa June 


Azizi Johari, far right, has 
been busy. She's done a lot of 
modeling, taped some TV 
shows, including Six Million 
Dollar Man and Sammy & 
Company (Azizi was touring 
with Davis at the time of her 
Playmate appearance), and— 
fa-dai—she's the female 
lead, opposite Ben Gazzara, 
in John Cassavetes' new flick, 
The Killing of a Chinese 
Bookie. Not only was that 
quite an experience in itself, 
but it opened a lot of doors 
for Azizi. And how did Cas- 
savetes discover her? Why, he 
saw her in PLAYBOY, of course. 


Miss April 


Victoria Cunningham has left 
Los Angeles, where she was 
working as a Bunny, and has 
moved to Chicago—which, of 
course, is pretty tough on 
California keyholders but a 
windfall for us. Not that she's 
been hanging around much. 
At presstime, she was back in 
Los Angeles, where she'd just 
finished a Playboy promo- 
tional assignment. Before that, 
she'd visited New York and 
Las Vegas; San Diego was 
next. So, as you can see, 
we've been keeping Vicki on 
the go, ond with any luck, 
she'll miss the Chicago winter. 


Miss Novemben 


Janet Lupo, after a generally 
pleasant visit to Chicago ("I 
had more laughs than cries"), 
decided that she didn't want 
to become a stockbroker after 
all. So she's back East now, 
trying to figure out whether 
she wants to model, go back 
to school, open some kind of 
business or what. In the mean- 
time, Janet has made a TV 
commercial for Playboy and 
she's enjoying all the familiar 
delights—including the home- 
made bread in Hoboken— 
she missed while she was in 
Chicago. We're sure the home 
folks missed you, too, Janet 


Misa Manch 


Ingeborg Sorensen has trav- 
eled around the world— 
pausing to do some modeling 
in Europe—and has since re- 
turned to Los Angeles, where, 
besides filming a commercial 
or two and an episode of Bo- 
retta, she's busied herself in 
various ways: redoing her 
Bel Air home, growing veg- 
etables and looking after the 
chickens in the back yard. 
She's also been painting. "So 
many people have talent, but 
they never have a chance to 
use it," says Ingeborg; and 
she's making sure that her 
talents don't go to waste. 


Miss Gebruany 


Laura Misch is still in New 
Orleans {nobody ever leaves 
New Orleans], where she's 
been modeling, making com- 
mercials and working conven- 
tions for several agencies 
and playing small paris in 
whatever movies get filmed 
in town (the latest was the 
Charles Bronson-James Co- 
burn flick Hard Times). And 
whenever they can, Lauro and 
her friends charter a boot, 
sail about 50 miles into the 
Gulf of Mexico, Не up to an 
oil rig and spend the day fish- 
ing for red snopper. What 
was that about hard times? 


Misa August 


Lillian Müller has been com- 
muting—if you can believe 
this—between Los Angeles 
and her home in Kristiansand, 
Norway. She spent most of 
last summer in California, 
then went back to Europe for 
five weeks of modeling, with 
some healthful interludes in 
а mountaintop cobin. (“1 went 
far a lot of long walks, and 
it was good to breathe clean 
cir for a change." Now she's 
back in L.A., trying to get her 
work permit and, in the mean- 
time, studying acting with 
lee Strasberg. That 15-hour 
flight is routine for Lillian now. 


Misa Ma 


Bridgett Rollins has been li 

ing in Chicago with her sister 
and her boyfriend—he's an 
architect—and she’s been 
doing quite a bit of modeling. 
In fact, if you've been read- 
ing the magazine carefully, 
you've probably noticed her 
several times, most recently 
as part of the erotic three- 
some in last manth's pictorial 
Peep Show. Needless to say, 
that threesome was quite dif 
ferent from the one she’s part 
of in real life. But she tells us 
that people keep assuming 
otherwise. Which, Bridgett, is 
the price you pay for fame. 


«сп иәәацәф 14910448 дилцјәшоз зә s 127, 


THIS SVOuVA ані 


dishonor rewarded ^ tale of the Otago gold fields. circa 1861 


А vousc 
name, crossed the world to see 
tune in the New Zealand gold fields but 
discovered that die hard toil of panning 
for gold scarcely p week of his 
provisions 

Thus. he resolved to tun to other 
commerce aud so removed his camp to a 
deserted gully. made a mask and. on the 
fist moonlit night thereafter, situated 
himself on ihe stagecoach track 10 the 
capital and became a bushranger. 

As the coach lurched round the bend. 
Duncan fired а shot and cried, “Halloo! 
Bail up!” When the driver had reined, 
Duncan ordered the passengers out and 
found them to be threc—a trembling, 
elderly man who was none other than 
the well-known Judge С-----п from 
the capital. his pretty second wife. EI- 
speth, and his daugluer, Fanny, from the 
first marriage. was lie 
and quite as comely as her stepmother 

"Hand down the gold.” 
manded the driver. 

“Yer Honor, there 
mered the man. а 


MAN, 


who 


younger 


Duncan com- 


that fate had tricked him 
to the roof was noth 
bags. 


Boldly. Duncan stepped up to the 
querulous judge and made the classic de- 
mand. “Your money or your life, si 

The poor man, atremble and hard of. 
heaving. replied, “My wife? Yes. yes. 
Elsp-p-peth. do as this maman. requires. 
But make it quick or I shall catch my 
d-death. ^ 

At this, Elspeth began to berate the 
judge as a scoundrel and а coward, while 
the daughter wailed, “Oh, Momma! Oh, 
Popp: 

Duncan would as lief have taken up the 
judge's handsome offer, but to be caught 
t the roadside with his breeches down 
was not in his plans. N the clamor 
increased, he shouted to the judg 
control this wom: 

“I only wish that T could. But Ell make 
alone 


ow. а 


aid 


her regret it once I have h 
the poor husband. And these words gave 
ager inspi 
ed his knife point at the 
back of the lady ad slit down- 
ward, through dress and petticoats, to the 
bottom hem. When she felt ıhe sudden 
dratt of night air on her skin. she stopped 
in midsentence. With one swift tug. 
Duncan relieved her of those garments 
and her drawer. revealing stark 
naked to the moonlight. 

At this, the stepdaughter renewed her 
wails and Duncan served hei 
trick, Then. picking Elspeth up, he threw 
her across the back of the lead horse and 
tied her there, expe 
tom to its best advanta 
the driver to do 
the tusle, Duncan's mask had slipped 


the rough bushy comic 


tion. He inse 


her 


Ribald Classic 


te 10 put it back 


ied Duncan to the judge. "you 
ke your belt and give Elspeth the 
thrashing now instead of later." Fearful at 
first, the judge began to lay on strokes 
with more energy as his wife's comely arse 
began to glow. At the same time. the 
coachman touched up Fanny's derrière 
just to keep her from cuching a chill 
When the ladies’ backsides looked fiery 
red, Duncan ordered a stop and great 
sobbing and wailing filled the night ai 


“Now, how do you usually comfort your 
Duncan 


wile when she is distressed?" 
ed. 

The judge. restored to beit 
replied. “I give her meny hell with my 
diddle-or* 

“And so.” cried Dunes 
judge's unsecured breeches, 

ablige her now!" 

"Oh. but think of my position 
ink only of her position 
replied. lifting the j 
ber with his knife in a me: 
ture. “Perform!” 
box was placed by the horse 
judge, stepping up, made haste to en- 
trench his m in Elspeth. Her 
sobs rose an octave, but then, as her hus- 
band set to work with unusual vigor, they 
subsided to m of satisfaction, The 
judge at last finished, Elspeth was quiet, 
but Fanny was again wailing. The driver's 
efforts with the butt of his stock whip had 
failed to placate her. Duncan, entering 
into the genial mood now prevailing 
amongst the gentlemen of the party, 
ily ordered the judge to comfort his 
he had hi 
have you no respect for the 
expostulated that wor 

“It is a fine balance between that 
and your desire to stay a man,” said Dun- 
in raising the judge's member 
h cold steel 


asl 


«рез drooping mem- 
lul ges- 


ILLUSTRATION BY BRAD HOLLAND 


When the judge had applied his busi 
ness to Fanny's he was shocked to 
find that he was not the fust to have 
trespassed there, he shouted 
d began diddi he 
ht have unleashed in a whipping- 

Amazed, Fanny cried. “Poppi! Your 
thing is so big I think I shall burst!” and 
she began to buck against it as much as 
her position wonld allow. When the sec 
ond coming finally occurred, signaled by 
Fanny's moans, the judge at Last looked 
round to find that Duncan had disap- 


lor! 


ng with the fu 


m 


peared without a trace 
And so this story might have ended 

without a moral—had not Duncan, some 

weeks later, foolhardy eno 


down to the capital and become intoxi- 
. In due course, he appeared before 


all charges. Bur E REND gel 
had bribed the executioner 
Duncan arrived at the jail to retrieve his 
swag, he was seized. stripped and tied over 
а barrel. 

Here’ 


she cried. 


iglty boy. 


on the buttocks!" When Duncan had been 
well flogged, the executioner dragged 
up a goat and tweaked its member into 
^ great. erection thrust it 


“This be: barrel and 


has you over 


there are no butts about it!” cried Elspeth 
in de ime, she took her 
сюр 


thick 
«d purple and spurted forth. 


it stood. up stiff and nd fiu 
turn 


When at last Dum 


m was left in peace, 

Elspeth came and applied compresses to 

his worst contusions as he lav on the 

As she did. she whispered in 
trust. sir. that you now appre- 

ciate how unkind it is to take advantage 

of one who is unhappily united to 
n old goat. 


Ba 165 


PLAYBOY 


166 


IT HELPS ME RELAX 


ht, as Im leaving, she says, 


‘Don't you ever kiss anybody?” 

Tm startled, I stand like a tree. 

“Well, at least hug me,” she says. 

And 1 slowly press her body against 
mine, surprised how warm and good it 
feels. 

Kiss me, Cash. 

I don't know what to do. I feel faint, 
but I finally put my lips against hers. 
Then I back up and say, "Well, I'll see 
you tomorrow." And I walk about a half 
block before looking back. And there she 
i ing. My fight is scheduled the next 
Tomorrcw's. Champions, but I 


“What do you intend to do?" the wom- 
ап on the bed asked me. “Make up your 
d what you want to do. . . 
I couldn't move. How could I tell her 
I didn't know what to do? What was I 
expected to do? 


Aretha—the first gil 1 really lovc—I 
see her in the halls of Central High, too 
frightened to say anything to her. To at- 
tract her attention, I come to school with 
a size-toosmall T-shirt on, to make my 
muscles look like they bulge, But she 
walks right by me. Then I try to get her 
attention by taking my friend Ronald 


the lockers: B-0-0-0-M-m. . . . B-0-0-0-m-m. 
She should say, "Oooocee, what's he do- 
ng to that boy?" and come over to see. 
But she keeps on going. 

1 don't know how to talk (o girls. how 
to approach them. 1 ride my motor scooter 
real fast, turn the corners like I'm going 
to fall off, all to make Aretha look at me, 
ike her think Pm brave and da 
She keeps on walking. 

Then one nigh 
after Central Е 


ich her on the corner and force myself 

, “Is your name Aretha?" 

es. 

“My name's Cassius Cla: 
“1 know. I've seen you around. 
She's so pretty, beautiful black eyes, 

warm dark face, thick eyelashes. I just 

. "Im going your way. Can I walk 

with you? 
“Ii you want to. 
And we walk, She has on perfume and 

the smell is wonderful. My heart is pound- 
1g real fast. I've never liked a girl before 
the way I like Aretha. She lives in Beach- 
wood Apartments, one of the housing 
projects, on the second floor, When we 
get there, 1 get up my nerve. I don't care 
whether she slaps me or not. 1 have to kiss 
her. It must last for a minute and a half, 
and when I come up for air, I'm so dizzy 


(continued from page 112) 


I reel, fall back and hit my head against 
the steps. 1 hear her scream. When 1 open 
my eyes, she is leaning down and patting 
me on the face to bring me around. 

“What happened?” she asks. “Are you 
serious? You fainted. I thought you were 
just playing.” 

I say I don't know what happened. "I 
just passed out.” Then I run all the way 
home, to the other side of town, 13 miles 


away ... people are looking at me like 
I'm ашу... and I just run all the way. 
Tt takes about three days before I 


enough nerve to face her a ly, 1 
lose track of her. 1 get so wrapped up i 
boxing. in the Golden Gloves, th 
centrate all my attention on that. I don't 
have time for girls or parties because 
every morning I have to get up and do my 
roadwork. If I don't win a national Gold- 
en Gloves, then ГЇЇ never get to the Olym- 
pics. And 1 have to be The Champion. 

"Come on, let's do it." she said зо 

"Yes, ma'am.” 

She pulled me to the bed and 
“Do you want a trip around the world?” 

“A tip around the world?” I asked. 
“What's a trip around the world?” 

"Well, that's some of everything.” 

a of everything? What are you 
talking about?” 

She never answered. just leaned over 
and me on the neck and put her 
tongue in my car and started biting my 
back. “Well, come ou," she said. "Let's 
do ir, 

I got on top of her, but I sti 
know what to do, 1 felt panicky. 

"Why don't you cooperate a little?" 
she asked. 

1 told her the truth: that I'd never been 
th а woman before. 

She grabbed me with both her hands. 
pulling me to her. "Just push,” she said. 
The panic left and all of a sudden I felt 
like a man. In a man's position. “Just go 
up and down," she said. So I went up and 
down, up and down, until finally she 
asked, “Aren't you through? Hurry up. 
Aren't you through?” But I just kept on 
g up and down. She said отеп 
e "Did you? Did you reach your cli 
э" 1 didn't know what she was talking 
about. "Didn't you get a ticklis 
А sensation 

1 said. 
10 say. 

She pushed me off and 1 got up right 
away and started to put on my pants. She 
stood up and cut the lights on 

1 hollered, “Hold it! Hold 
cut the lights right back off. 

“What's the matter wit 
shouted. 


didn't 


No.” There was nothing else 


And I 


h you?" she 


71 don't have my clothes on yet,” I ex- 
plained. I couldn't look at her. 
When I got dressed and went on back 


. What had I done wrong? I must 
е left out some of the steps, because it 
was another half hour before Donnie came 
down, walking like he was in | 

“What's wrong?" I asked 

“She took too much out of me.” he said 
with pleasure. 

“What could she take out of you?” I 
"Can't you handle it? 
he really laid it on me,” he said as 
we got in the cab. He went to sleep on the 
way back. And all he said before he went 
to bed that night was, "Boy, she really put 
something on me.” 

TH never know for sure whether the ex- 
nything to do with my per- 
псе the next night with Kent Green. 
but he defeated me on a second-round 
KO. Perhaps it was only the feeling of 
It because E hadn't followed the rules 
of the trainers, but it was a painful. дс 
feat. And Donnie, also favored to win. lost 
badly, too. 

1 really wanted to win the Golden 
Gloves. Already, I'd begun to love hay 
ing my name known, In Louisville, when 
my name first started getting into the 
. Vd run to the neighbors and 
me's in the paper. My 


picture, too." 

"Which one you?" an old wor 
asked me when I showed her a group of 
Golden Gloves appli About a hi 
dred in the picture. Which one vouz" she 
said, adjusting her glasses. 

"Can't you see? That's me, right there 
in the middle," I said. surprised she didn't 
recognize me. 

Even if 1 was just one of a hundred, I 
there, 

That year, even though T hadn't won 
the Golden Gloves, I felt a new pride 
walking the halls of Central High. АШ 
those girls 1 used to look at, wondering 
how they looked without clothes—1 
had some idea. Well. I thought, now I 
know. I feel better. I been with a woman. 
I know. It was enough for a while. But 
gradually I found myself wanting to see 
another. Could I be so sure the non- 
prostitutes looked exactly like my prost 
tute? Because that prostitute was really 
too old. And these younger girls looked 
better. ГА always wondered belore why 
men could become so casily upset over 
women. Ice cream, pop and h: 
c. Bur now I found. 
to parties, learning to talk, 


1 once 


iow 


Then one di 
Ellis, my only amateur loss 
and as I sat the next morni 
wounds, I x 
woman the night before that fight. too. 


y | got whipped by Jimmy 
a Louisville, 


“What effect does sex have on a fight- 
er's perlormance?" I once sat with a group 
of reporters, fighters and handlers who 
were asking Harry Wiley that question. 
Wiley, а brilliant trainer, worked with 
Sugar Ray Robinson for 24 years, had 

(continued on page 238) 


1:00 


MOM 


wor 


199 


ШАП 


a procrastinator's guide to last-minute yule largess 


1:00 


A fost game—Stay Alive—in which all 
players (except the winner) lose their 
marbles, by Milton Bradley, $4.99. 


1:04 


Chronometer with a 77-kt. 
synthetic-sapphire case and synthetic 
crystal, by Mido, $475. 


11:07 


High-impact, heat-resistant 
containers, by Empire West 
Plastics, $62 and $53. 


11:09 


Soak away your kinks with these 
bath grains, by Aramis, 1% Ibs.— 
in a ceramic crock—for $16.50. 


"n 


An AM/FM/PBS radio with optically 
tinted mini TV screen, and dial 
light, by JVC America, $199. 


ПИЕ] 


Oak backgammon table with hand- 
rubbed finish and padded field, by 
Gary David Furniture Craftsmen, $150. 


HEFE 


"ean 
1116 


Timer-controlled stereo cossette deck 
with memory rewind and ultralow wow 
and fiutter, by Yomaha, $390. 


1:18 
Lucite penholder, mounted on 


beveled bose, with 12 nylon-tip 
pens, by Harry Rosenfeld, $12. 


The PocketCom, a %”х1%%'х5\%4” unit 
thot works as a poging system ог 
intercom, by JS & A Soles, $39.95. 


ет 
mee 


AM/FM/PS high-bond "tunoble 
sconning” radio avtomaticolly monitors 
police, etc, by G.E., $150. 


n23 


A limited edition of Joy perfume—the 
world's costliest—in a Baccorat bottle, 
by Jeon Potov, 1 oz. for $225. 


niet 


A lightweight, 1000-wott blower /drier 
with an attachment that pulsotes the 
oir fow, by Sperry Remington, 528,98. 


31:31 


13:36 


1:31 


А no-fog, glare-free mirror that 
magnifies ond illuminates, fits 
wall or table, by Clairol, $15.99. 


1:34 
А sour-ball machine, with enough 


balls of eoch of the five fiovors to 
fill it up, from Sckowitz, $37.50. 


1:36 
This six-piece blender, chopper, slicer, 


etc., even makesice creom, by Stormix, 
$195, plus optionol attachments. 


АЫ; 


29 


131 


Microwove oven has built-in computer 
ond touch-sensitive electronic ропе! 
to program timing, by Amano, $595. 


ич 


Bilifold with six-digit colculator, 
ballpoint pen, credit-cord holders 
and checkbook, by Novus, $29.95. 


11:44 


Odyssey 200 video gome, with 
scoring and speed control, works on 
ony brond of TV, by Magnovox, $100. 


Permamotch: Just strike it on the 
bose, which holds o yeor's supply of 
lighter fuel, from Berkshire Soles, $5. 


1:48 


Cordless hot-shave copsule quickly 
heots lather, tokes ony stondord-sized 
con of shove cream, by Clairol, $14.99. 


1:50 


Yellow-gold-finished pocket watch 
with calendor, oll housed in o pop-open 
cose, by Longines Wittnouer, $135. 


1:52 


Miniature sterling-silver colculotor 
thot adds, subtracts, multiplies, divides, 
by Shorp for Tiffony, $150. 


1:56 


Perpetual motion, fully tronsistorized 
wall clock works for o yeor on one 
floshlight bortery, by Bulova, $55. 


1:59 


Tennis-boll pressurizer, by Rebound, 
$7.95, ond crystol bolls, from The 
Scorborough Group, $17.25 each. 


PLAYBOY 


late 1860 4 
North determ 
nd 
was, а 

said, “A s 
who grows rich 


nd corrupts the public 
—ánd now he could bad-mouth the 


mn Yankees" in their own territory. 
But he found litle sympathy аний he 
joined the Baltimore chapter of a secret 
society, the Knights of the Golden Circle, 
which intensified his hatred. of the g: 
gling Lincohr's preserve-the-Union 1: 
His acting also was frequently p: 
though he had the nam 
and the looks: 378” but br 
muscular. Black hair and 
oning eyes. A good horses 
m 


k- 
ved, 
the physique 
(chested and 
hing, impris- 
an. fine marks- 
an, super fencer, splendid gymnast. 

But barely trained in theater; instead, 
making it on his looks and his physical 
bilities (he rewrote Shakespeare's scenes 
to include daring leaps and sword fights). 
He hadn't had Edwin's long, on-thea 
apprenticeship with their father, Junius 
Brutus Booth, who had been the most fa- 
mous Shakespearean actor іп America. 
Nonetheless, John Wilkes had been suc- 
cessful with women in Richmond, Mont- 
gomer New Orleans, and now 


ауатын» 


he went North to flaunt his abilities and 


auti-Union bravado. In Albany on Febru- 
ary 18, 1861. he was appropriately playing 
in The Apostate when Lincoln's train 
сате through on the way to the First In- 
m Booth first saw Li 
He gleefully read the newspapers. that 
ridiculed the Presidentelecr's теп 
inspired flatulenc 
that night pla 
noted in the r 
1861, 


ion. ıcoln then. 


a fury 
jews. АШ the spring of 


Booth—or Wilkes, as he was 


rooms, bedrooms, barrooms his admi 
tion for Brutus and Charlotte Corday 
(Marat's assassin). He was prostrated when 
rt Sumter fell on April 14, 1861 
years later to the day, Abr 
was shot by Booth. 


ars from 1861 to 1865. we had 
The na- 
calloused 10 
lities. to € disorders. (the 
Draft Riots in New York in 1863 killed 
nd wounded almost 1000), to brutalities 
1 prison. camps. to the savagery of gucr- 
villa raids, 10 the terrible slaughter on the 
battlefield. Callouscd. also, to military rule 
ted since 1862 by Lincoln's pious, in- 
tolerant and fi y abolitionist Secre- 
tary of War, Edwin M. Stanton—who 
« to keep the war going. 
ough so that the North 
4 for the South 


In the у 
100 well. 


great aim of the 
General McClell 
Secretary of V 


n later reported th 
believed “to end the war 


170 before the nation was ready for that would 


(continued from page 102) 


be a failure. The war must be prolonged 
nd conducted so as to achieve that.” Н 
uue, Stanton's desire was directly contrary 
10 the Sense of Congress resolution of 
1861, which stated d the war м not to 
interfere “with the rights of established 
institutions of those [Southern] states. 

alo contrary to Lincoln's desires 
early pl In 1862, he 
e Creele adiu 
I E could save the Ur 
ng any slave, 1 would do it; 
and if 1 could sive it by freeing oll the 
slaves, I would do it; and if I could sive 
й by freeing some and leaving others 
alone. I would that." 

But Stanton, throughout the 
would wt Lincoln and 
powerful aud 
often devious m wanted to be 
President. He was in perhaps the best po- 
sition possible to act against Lincoln in 


in 


without freei 


war, 


directing a conspiracy to 
or by allowing an independent cons; 
to succeed. The evidi 
we shall see, is at least ¢ 

After the first years of defeats, the 
North's material and manpower had pre- 
d. At Appomattox on April 9, 186 
Lee had surrendered to Grant, who had 
stipulated generous terms, as his Presi- 
dent wished. In. Washington, the joy was 
boundless. Lincoln said, “I've never been 
х happy in my lile." Torches lit the night, 
gunshots punctuated the cheers, bands 
> nd played Dixie as though the 
ballad were a trophy ol war. 

On April 11, Lincoln addressed а 
crowd on the White House lawn. He cne- 
fully. aid out a plm lor the 
reunion of the states. His tone was con- 
Gliatory. Later, he elaborated to the 
Cabinet that in dealing with the defeated 
South, there would be "no bloody work." 
Twel -old "Tad Lincoln heard the 
people chant of the rebel leaders, “Hang 
à her, “Oh, no, we 


"and said to his f 


reed fervently. 
1. John Wilkes Booth, listening. was 
outraged. He muttered to an accomplice 
that that was the last speech Lincoln 


“Who wanted to install douloc 
x. Lincoln had actually been to Booth's 
precious Richmond, had entered the con- 
al on April fourth. Before 
in and Booth 


m make that sickening 
about “malice toward none and dl 
for all.” No. Lincoln would not really 
"bind up the nation's wounds,” that was 
dear. With Lee beaten, Lincoln must be 
killed. Cut off the head and the body dies. 
The execu as hero. As Booth put it 
in his diary for April 13, "Until today, 
nothing was ever thought of sacrificing to 
For six months we 


m 


our country's wronps. 


had worked to capture, but our cause 
being almost lost, somcthing decisive and 
шем must be done.” This messianic 
memorandum seems unerly familiar to 
us, who have seen Sithan’s confidences or 
read the journal of Arthur Bremer, Wal 
ant. Booth жаз our first stvior 


his decision to kill Lincoln was not 
Booth's first plot the President. 
Before. he had wanted to kidnap Lincoln 
nd exchange him for the thousands of 
Confederate prisoners Lee so desperately 


needed hack in his armies. For that, he 
had assembled and subsidized a vaudeville 
noupe ol consp himself 


He had some nd contacts 
(his fiancée was a Senators daughter. 
though his girllriends were unconnect 
Aud there were the others hed enli 
snatch the President: 

+ Lewis Paine, alius Powell und Wood. 
Aged A Baptist ministers son and 
former Confederate soldier who had de 
sated after Geuysbung and later signed an 
allegiance to the Union. Handsome, cnor- 
mously strong. dumb, а Negro hater (hed 
been arrested for betting a black girl in 
Baltimore). Devoted to Booth after seeing 
him play in Richmond and meeting him 
in 1861. An absolutely reliable killer, 
mained for it in die war and out of place 


in a nonviolent world. 
+ John Surratt. Aged 20. А former 
Roman Catholic divinity student and pres- 


ently a Confederate spy and dispatch ca 

ү who knew the routes from Richmond 
through Washington to the Confederate 
underground in Montreal. Magnificent 
n and disarmingly convincing as a 
young derk for Ше Adams Express Com- 
pany in Washington. 

= George Atzeiodl. Aged 20. An ill 
ate, lenctfaced. Prussian immigrant. and 
coachmaker whose chief value was his 
knowledge of the roads sowh out of 
Washington, throu tryland, to Port 
Tobacco on the Potomac, and his skill 
се le run 
could aos the river with th 
President on board a chartered bo: 

+ David Herold. Aged 22. СІ 


parions: partridge hunter and drugstore 
clerk. A loyal, agile, chinless hoy with 
few thinking abilities (estimated: mental 


age of 11) but with а profound knowl- 
edge of the must byward roads. swamps 
and houses along the likely escape route, 
south from Washing? 

= Samuel Arnold. Aged 30. A former 
schoolmate of Booths at the Catholic 
Saim Timothy's Hall in Catonsville. 
Deserted Confederate. soldier but brave, 
md smart enough not 10 take Воо 
word in everything. Worked. as a Lim 
hand in Maryland. 

+ Michael O'Laughlin. Aged 24. A 
other childhood acquaintance and Con- 
federate deserter who was captivated by 
Воот brilliance. A Maryland. livery- 
stable and feed-store laborer who drank 

(continued on page 


"Л call these sketches explora- 
tory drawings,” says artist 
Elizabeth Bennett. “I wanted 
ta study the peaceful eroticism 
that comes over а woman's body 
in repose. The models would 
arrive at the studio about ten 
рм. We'd share an Irish coffee, 
look at first editions of 
Beardsley, Rackham and Dulac, 
then they'd relax, fall asleep, 
dream. The transformation was 
clase to the change you see in 


a laver after making love. Тһе „+ 


deyils in them would disappear. 
Sleep is a mystery. Sametimes 

1 would work until morning, 
trying ta capture that 


n 


ARTIST 
ELIZABETH 
BENNETT 
CREATES A 
WORLD 
SUFFUSED 
WITH 


magic, that beauty.” 1-8 


"I've been drawing since | wos қ 
nine months old, but | didn't get “ 
serious about it until | was five. 

I would sit in my father's office, 

studying the faces of the people 

who come to see him. He was а 

doctor, maritime lawyer and in- 

surance salesman. At closing time, 

we'd go to a neighborhood bor. 

Id discuss life and politics 

with the patrons опа draw their 

faces on ploce mots. | was a 

midget Toulouse-Lautrec.” 


"Drawing is very intimate. The women you see here were friends 
to begin with or they become friends. Many of them ogreed to 
pose in return for one of my sketches. We exchanged time. 
Every drawing was a cooperative effort, something thot wo 
worked toward through the evening. Something worth sharing.” 


10 be o phone in my studio, 
'hod it disconnected, Every | 
the thing would ring-it 
Id be the model's mother. or 


THE DOORDEL 


, but then stopped again and 
n whose honor is it 


was expecting company.’ 


PLAYBOY 


burg" said Nikolay. "Remember how 
you once made a mistake and forgot onc 
adle? I had turned ten, but there were 
only nine candles. Tu escamotas my birth- 


day. | bawled my head off. And how 


many do w 
"Oh, what does it matter?" she shouted 
and rose, almost as if she wanted to block 


his view of the table. "Why don't. you 
tell me instead what time it is? ] must 
ring up and cancel the party. . . . I must 
do something." 

"Quarter. past seven,” said Nikolay. 

“Trop tard, trop tard!" she raised her 
voice again. “AIL right! At this point, it 
no longer matter 

Both fell silent 


She resumed her seat. 


Nikolay was trying to force himself to hug 
her, 10 cuddle up to her, to ask, “Listen, 
Mother—what happened to yo 


Соте on: out with it. . , ." He took an 
other look at the brilliant table 
counted the candles ringing the 
There were 25 of them. Twenty-five! And 
he was already 28... . 

“Please don't examine my room like 
that!” said his mother. "You look like a 
regular detective! Its a horrid hole, I 
would gladly move elsewhere, but I sold 
the vill Abruptly, 
she gave a small gasp: “Wait a minute— 
what was that? Did you make that noise?” 

“Yes,” answered Niko n knock: 
ing the ashes out of my pipe. But tell 
me—you do still money? 
You're not having any trouble making 
ends meet? 

She busied herself 
ribbon on her sleeve and spoke without 
looking at him: "Yes. . . . Of course. He 
left me a lew foreign stocks, а hospital 
and an ancient prison, A prison! . .. But 
1 п you that I have barely 


and 


that Kind left me." 


with readj 


ag with that pip 
nn 
understand. Nic 
пе to support you. . 

What on carth are you talking about, 
Mother ied. Nikolay (and at that 
moment, like a stupid sun issuing Пот 


! I must warn you 
»not. . . . Oh, you 
would be hard for 


"exc 


behind a stupid cloud, the electric light 
E). "There, we 
it was like 


ast forth from thc a 


out those tapers 
g in the Mostaga 
You see, I do have a small supply of 
nd. anyway, I like to be as free 
damned fowl of some sort. . . . 
down-—stop running around the room” 
Tall, thin, bright blue, she stopped in 
176 front of him and now, in the full light, 


squat 


Com 


(continued from page 81) 


he saw how much she had aged, how in- 
sistently the wrinkles on her cheeks and 
forehead showed through the n 
And that awful bleached hai 
“You came tumbling in so suddenly,” 
she said and, biting her lips, she consulted 
a small clock standing on the shelf, “Like 
snow out of a doudless sky. . . . It's fast. 
No, it's stopped. I'm having con 
night. and here you anive. . . 
crazy situation. . . . 
"Nonsense — Mother. 
they'll see your son has 
soon they'll evaporate. 
evening's over, you 
some music hall and have supper some- 
where. . . . I remember seeing an Africain 
show—that was really something! Imag- 
ine—about fifty Negroes and a rather 
large, the size of, say 
The doorbell buzzed loudly in the front 
hall. Olga Kirillovna, who had perched 
on the ‚gave a start and 


And 
nd 1 will go to 


before the 


said. Nikolay, rising. 
She Gtught him by the sleeve. Her face 
was twitching. The bell stopped. The 
caller waited. 
“Te must be your guests.” 


His mother gave а brus 

her head and resumed liste tently. 
"Tr isn't right .. ." began Nikolay. 
She pulled at his sleeve, whispering, 


Don't you dare! I don't want о... 


ic. shake of 


he bell 
ently and invitably 
buzzed on for a long t 


"Let me go,” said Nikolay. “This is 
illy. . . И somebody rings, you have to 


swer the door. W 
of? 

“Don't you dare—do you hear?" she 
repeated, spasmodicilly clutching, at his 
hand. “I implore you. . .. Nicky, Nicky, 
Nicky! ... Don't” 

The bell stopped. It 
series of vigorous knocks, produced, it 
seemed, by the stout knob of a cane. 

Nikolay headed resolutely for the hont 
hall. But before he reached it, his moth 
had grabbed him by the shoulders 
wied with all her might tw drag him 
back, whispering all ihe while, "Don't you 


тє you frightened 


replaced by 


nd 


dare... Don't you dare. . . . 
sake 

The bell sounded briefly and 
angrily. 


with a 


It's your business.” Nikolay sa 
laugh and, thrusting his hands 
walked the length of the room. 
e, he thought. 


into his 


and 


Apparently the ring 1 got fed up and 
left. Nikolay went up to the table. con- 
templated the splendid cake, with 


in the bottle's shadow, lay a 
cardboard box. He picked it up a 
eff the lid. Jt contained a bra 
rather tasteless silver cigarette case. 
“And that’s that,” said Nikol 
His mother, who was h ing on 
the couch with her face buried in a cush- 
ion, was convulscd with sobs. In previous 
s, he had often seen her ery, but then 
she had cried quite differently: While 
sitting at table, for instance, she would 
cry without turning her face 
low her nose loudly and talk, 
yet now she was weeping so girlishly, was 
lying there with such ... and 
there was something so graceful about the 
curve of her spine and about the way one 
foot, 


bandon 


п its velvet slipper. was touching 
the floor. . . . One might almost think 
that it was a young blonde woman cry- 


222. And her crumpled handkerchief 
lying on the carpet just the way it 
was supposed to, in that pretty scene. 
ikolay uttered а Russian grunt (kryak) 
and sat down on the edge of her couch. 
He kıyaked again. His mother, still hid- 
ing her lace, said into the cushion, “Oh, 
why couldn't you have come earlier? 
en one year + + + Just one 


сагі 


arl... 
wouldn't know,” said Nikolay. 
ts all over now," she sobbed, and 
tossed her light hair. "All over. l'Il be 
fifty in M. p sou comes to see 
ged mother. And why did you have to 
come right at this moment . . . tonight 
Nikolay put on his trench coat. (which. 
contrary to European custom, he had 
Mo a comer) took his 


- Grown- 


E 


aply thrown 


cap out of a pocket and sat down by her 
a 


in. 


“Tomorrow morning IH move on,” he 
id, stroking the shiny blue silk of his 
mothe "1 feel an urge to head 


north now, to Norway. perhaps—or else 


"s shoulder. 


out to sea for some whale fishing. PH 
write you, In a year or so well тесі 
again: then perhaps ТЇЇ stay longer. Don't 


he cross with me because 
lust!” 

Quickly she embraced him and pressed 
a wet cheek to his neck. Then she 
squeezed his hand and suddenly cried out 
in astonishment. 

“Blown off by a bullet, 
y. "Goodbye, my dearest. 
She felt the smooth stub of his finger 
nd gave it a cautious kiss. Then she put 
her arm around her son and walked with 
him to the door 

"Please write often. . . . Why are you 
laughing? All the powder must have come 
off my face.” 

d no sooner had the door shut after 

him than she flew, her blue dress rustli 


to the telephone, 


of my wander- 


laughed Ni 


‚fiction By C. E. POVERMAN 


TOOTH 


how can you say noto a guy 
who's an artist, a virtuoso, 
the absolute master of 

the oral cavity? 


For YEARS, Dr. Goldman has been after 
me to do two things: let him bleach my 
black front tooth and call his da 
Phyllis. For years. I have not 
refused, but—my mouth packed with 
«опон, my throat parchi 
sucking 


drain 
tongue—] have 
avoided both by ambiguous grunts, by 


S. Ше 
under my 


dodges, by head feints, by lines in my 


forehead that plead: I must rinse now! 

Dr. Goldman will stand beside the 
chair—no. not the chair, for it is not a 
chair but а pale-gold, decorator's dental 
couch in which I recline like an odalisque, 
Goldman hardly taller than myself, even 


though Dam supine—and he will com- 
mand, "Open," and I will open and he 
will pause in his work, a patient wa 


ting 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY BILL FRANTZ 


in each of the two other rooms, and, 
tiking hold of my black left incisor with 
thumb and forefinger. he will shake his 
1, pull on the tooth, lean forward 

through the lower lenses of his bi 
Is. the upper lenses. and then the two 


square lenses that extend from the long 
arm attached to the band 
head; time will 


around his 
(continued on page 201) 


177 


article 
By DAN GREENBURG 


its dans tackiest assignment 
yet! kinky adventures in the 
land of the sex classifieds 


ILLUSTRATION BY 2. ROMAN 


bout six months ago, I am 
having lunch with my PLaxnoy editor, 
we are kicking around ideas I could 
write about and the talk turns to the 
d of ads some folks run in the back 
of certain publications, inviting people 
to contact them for various sexual ac- 
tivities. My editor says, What would I 
think about following up some of these 
ads and writing about it? 

I admit I've seen and fantasized about 
such ads but say I don't feel one has to 
do anything quite so rash as to actually 
follow up on them. 

“Why not?" says my editoi 

Well,” I say, “the whole are: 
of, you know, tacky, don't you t 
Sure" he says. "But not any more so 
than the orgy you wrote up for us |Му 
First Orgy, December 1972]. 

I have to admit he has a point there. 
I confess the notion interests me, but I 
want to think it over awhile before 1 
make my decision. one way or another. 
He says, “Take all the time you want.” 

I go out and buy а few publications 
that run sex ads. Screw and. for some 
reason, The New York Review of Rooks 
seem to be the best known of these. 1 
find a number of ads that seem intriguing. 
For example: 


ONE DAY à 


Young high school teacher. Can't 
make out with students—available 
for extracurricular activities after 3 
p.m. Call Miss В. 


And: 


Bad señorita. The meanest mother in 
town, and if you got the balls to come 
nd sce me, you will never forget 
! I dare you to come! Call at 
once 


Pretty conventional stull. right? But then 


it gets a little kinkier. 1 


Mother & 19y liter will 
perform. Call Mrs. Қ... 

Aud 
Let ich while you do your 
wile. ation unless asked. 


Would 


Just like Mommy used to do—over 
my Кисе for a wam gratifying 
enema, Call Nurse Nanc 


Or: 


Why have you been disobedient? I 
upset with you. Call me 
istress Angela. 


am ve 
now. M 


Or, one of my favos 


k 


3 Militant Feminists. Young, brilliant 
and white, will bring your most un- 
uttertble ideas of humiliation. into 
reality—and in front of two or three 
of us. We've ted a long time to 


do this, maybe you've waited a long 
time, too. By appointment only. . . . 


My editor calls me in New York and 
asks if I've come to any decision. I say 
I'm still mulling it over. Не that 
if I stop mulling and start. rescarching 
this tacky piece, not only will he pay me 
PLAYBOY'S top rate Тог articles but he 
will also respect me afterward. L tell him 
he has himself a de: 


1 look over the ads I have so far col 
lected from Screw and The New York 
Review of Books and wy to imagine 
"t quite © 
the knee of Nurse 
g enen 
1 can't recall disobeying Mistress Angel 
I have trouble se y most unutter 
able ideas of hu n brought to 
reality in front of the 3 Militant Fem- 
ists; I have no wile to do while the 
ous advertiser of undesignated 
and, although I feel I have 
nd see the meanest 
mother in town 1 not sure 1 want to. 
That leaves Miss B., the horny high 
school teacher, and Mrs. R. and her 19- 
year-old. performing daughter. I am ver 
tempted by both of these offers, and yet 
T hesitate. 
nk part of the problem is tha 
Lm worried about what Га do if Miss 
В. or Mrs. К. and her performin 
ter turn out to be—how to pur 
bathers or serious fatties. I mean, I do 
relish going into a situation where I ha 
to either reject some nice but terribly 
attractive person or else hop into the sack 
with her out of politeness. 

And then I discover sex ads with photo. 
graphs. 

For between three three and a 
half dollars a copy. you can buy on 
many newsstands in New York such pub 
lications as Swingers Life, True Swing. 
ers, Mixer, The Seekers and Girls Galore. 
These publications have dispensed, i 
most cases, with such trivia as articles 
and stories and are totally comprised. of 
several thousand ads for various forms of 
sex, all grouped Бу state or seci 
country and almost 
phot 
or in one of a 


meeting the advertisers. I c 
vision. myself. over 


" 
the balls to go 


H 


арі of the 
nultitude 


И 


gp stages 
of undress. 

The photographs are mostly of women 
who are mostly wearing either panties 
and no bras or black garter belts 
stockings and boots and по pantics. 
nude ones sometimes have part of their 
faces or part of their vaginas inked over. 
(1 would like to suggest to some doctoral 
didate in psychology looking f 
for a that he or she 
look into what makes some women ink 
out their faces in nude photos and 
others their vaginas.) 

The women in these photographs 

in age [rom perhaps 16 to 72 and 


range 
in auractivenes from dead ringers for 


179 


PLAYBOY 


180 


Ernest Borgn 
give Angie Dickinson a run for 
money as queen of the hop. It is 
difficult for me to understand why 14 
as gorgeous as the latter need to run 
ads in order to get schlupped. The reason 
becomes clearer to me as I go along. 

1 begin to have а very active fantasy 
lite. Not your usual wham-bam-thank-you- 
maam hvesecond fantasies, either. 1 
select some advertiser in black garter 
belt and bush, posing against a wall of 
imitation реску-сургез Weldwood panel- 
ing on which are hung the sort of little 
wroughtiron chotehkies that are consid- 
ered chic in Red Bank, New Jersey. 1 


her 


stare into her face, which is wearing what 
she hopes is an expression of sexually 
sophisticated bemusement but which is 


instead one of tragic vulnerability and 
longing for some hopelessly romantic fi 
ure she knows she hasn't a chance of 
meetiug—some Red Bank version оГ Cary 
Grant, with impeccable manners, an in- 
aedible foot-lou hard shvantz and 
even chicer wrought-iron choichkies on 
his imitation реску-сургез Weldwood 
paneling. 

1 sort of melt imo the picture. plane 
and am in the actual room at the moment 
the badly lighted photo is snapped. I 
з 10 the startled quasi-nude lady 
tonight 
stead and I am 


t he has sent me 


w going to lay on her 40 perfect 
total spi at and 
ш for two at host ol 


ivorite showbiz luminaries. The lady 
zes the extent of her Fantastic fortune, 
weeps for joy and dasps me to her p 
bosom. 

I go through hall a dozen m 
like this and select 50 or 60 of the best- 
looking women and most provocatively 
worded ads lor people im the mistate 
area. For example. a nude young honey 
with long straight hair to her tushy 


I like the bizare. Bi-minded 
& uninhibited. I've got plenty to 
ve amd cam go forever. Сап you 
match Шар Хо sincere partner 
turned down, Send for my photo 
and you'll shout with joy. . 


All 
code 
wh 


ios are signed. w 
numbers ad of 1 
you do is send your reply то the 
zine, which then forwards it 10 the 
advertiser. The above ad is signed E 
7036. 1 like the fact that 7036 is 
bizarre, bi-minded & uninhil nd can 
go forever. I can go. il not forever, at 
least for an hour or two. I make a note 
to send lor E-7036's photo so 1 can shout 
with joy. 


Is with ph 


ames а 


ted 


N.J- Wellbuilt green-eyed auburn- 
red nurse. Loves French culture, 


parties. couples, w 
s. A college gr 
Gloria has a 40” bust. 


ny 10 meet pen 
Лиме, amusing 


musing 


Head bank teller, joys dancing, 
get-togethers, quiet drives in the 
country and finer things in life. 
Wishes to meet sincere tall and short 
mature men 


How should 1 h this 
lady—sincere-tall or shortmature? ГІ try 


sinceretall. 


come on w 


Auractive 54, seeks intell 
men or Navy men my a 


nt Jewish 
c for dinin 


be convind 


ng as Navy 
intelligent and 


coming on 
Jewish with this on 
In 


wingers Life there are not one but 
It, dark-haired 


photos of a well 


smiling lady who writes 


Hot Syracuse, N.Y., housewile, 38- 
20-38, mid-20s, would like to meet 


and have sex with single men and 
love it. . . . Write to me for the 
best deep throat and straight sex you 


have ever had. I м I am 


hot. 


t to suck. 


admire this woman's directness and 
feel I have perhaps read her display ads 
on men'sroom walls, I shall write to her 
for the best deep throat and straight sex 
I have ever had and I will, if absolutely 
necessary, even go то Syracuse LO get it. 
Talk about directness; how's this? 


“егу affectionate girl, 25 
tractive figure wants to hi 
thy nudists. . . . Must show proof 


Sprinkled among the predominantly 
female ads for men, women and couples 
peculiar ads from men. 
re poignant and funny. like this: 


ме occasio! 
Some 


Need well-endowed men to sleep 
with my wile. She is too horny for 


Some are m t. Like this 


one: 


ТАП pretty wom 
that wears eyeglasses and single, the 
one who will go nude with just her 
eyeglasses c 


to meet 


And some reveal more than. they 
tend, Like this guy, whose apparently 
unintentional enor in wording betrays 


a strong need to reassure himsel 


NY: € 
510”, 


5, 
from 


oddooking white 
would like to 


guy. 
hear 


passionate ladies in N.Y. Huny. I 
won't be sorry 


And then there 
who sound so terrific that it seems almost 
to have to go through the 
hy process of w 
the 


e ads 


to them 


in cue of the 


ing 
rd the lener to them, 
and so on. Like this 


ne (отм 
sing them reply, 
one: 


Have plane, will travel. Sexy young 
vixen, 24. pilot, will fly anywhere 
in U.S.A. and Canada for a meeting 
with interesting single men... . 


Or this onc: 


N.J: Terrific Puerto Rican. twins: 
bi-minded. clean, healthy and. young 
are seeking single men for 3some 
thrills, If you are man enough to 
andle two great girls, we rantee 
10 deliver everythi 


g vou wan 


With visions of sexy young vixen pilots 
amd terrific, dean, healthy, voung Pucrto 
п twins dancing in my head. 1 mail 
off my first. ch of leners. In them I 
describe myself accurately as 38. divorced, 
5°10”, 145 pounds, slender, strong. 
and willing to try anything thi 

mot Ive even heard of it 


whether ог 
before. 

In cach leiter I enclose a picture of 
myself taken at a photo session in Las 
Vegas for the illustration of my orgy 
aide in vravnov, In this picture 1 am 
naked and intertwined with about two 
dozen similarly nude showgitls and half 
а dozen chorus boys. The reason E send 
out this picture and not, say, my 
mitzvah picture is that it is. first of all, 
the only one E have of me nude, even 
though it doesn’t actually show my penis, 
and secondly, L figure the proximity of 


bar 


all those terrific nude bodies will suggest 
шә а dot more experienced a 
swinger than is indeed the cise. 

Mier а couple of weeks, the first re- 
plies start wickling in. Old Bizarre Bi 
minded-&-Uninhibited sends a rearview 
nude black-and-white Polwoid of herself 


with the follow 


»y lener 


Dear E 

Tm so glad you answered my ad 
they say one picwe ік worth 
thousand words so what benter way 
for us to sunt communicating? let's 
at least try! 

1 hope you'll want my other pi 
tures, the black and white set is 57 
l I have іі Mul color for 513. 
сегеіу hope they'll prove 10 you 
we speak the sime language, 
nd I have the feeling that we d 
so hurry up. I know you won't be 
disappointed. 


(continued on page 186, 


“You bastard. When did you drink this?” 


181 


182 


“You will find, darling, that other things improve with age." 


"He's going to be all right. 
He'scalling fora Wehlener Sonnenuhr Trochenbeerenauslese 1959." 


"We've had French. Let's try Greek!" 


183 


“The glint of the sunset passing through your “My God, the man's a pervert! Serving a 
Beaujolais just happened to catch my eye, madam.” — '29 Mouton-Rothschild with a Hostess Twinkie!” 


184 “T uncorked a rather large set of jug wines in your honor, my dear.” 


“Come to think of it, red wine is proper after this dish." 


185 


PLAYBOY 


DOMINANT WRITER continued from page 150) 


What about you? Wha 
into in life? 1 would like to start an 
interesting correspondence but it 
takes fo. Please write and be my 
other half. 

Love, 


are you 


lei 


J 


Hmmm. Well, the handwritten note in 


black ballpoint pen on orange stationery 
isn't the warmest personal letter I've ever 
received. but the enclosed picture is of a 
very preity girl, Although I don't love 
being hustled to buy her pictures, I 
figure the girl has to make a living and, 
with the picture selling out of the way 
she'll then be free to go forever and make 
me shout with joy. 

1 send her the seven bucks in cash aud 
tell her I'm anxious to meet her in per- 
son. I give her a brief rundown, since she 
ked, of what I'm into in life. induding 
some adventures I've had recently while 
sching a book on the occult—taking, 
part in a coven of teenaged witches in 
Brooklyn, fooling around with black 
magic in Scotland and participating in 


resca 


voodoo rites in Haiti, Alter all. she did 
say in her ad that she liked the. bizarre, 
right: 


The next lener I receive is from a 
blonde lady with a plainish face but a 
dynamite body. Along with a black-and- 
white rearview nude Polaroid of herself 
with the words “Hope you want to see 
the rest of me” scribbled on the back is 
the following leiter: 


Da 
"his must be really 
d night, but your letter brought 


y day 


the best out in me—and now, 
all I really need is you to sha 
with. 


ma 


Would you ever guess tha 
helly dancer? Not 100 much class but 
а Jora hı id whatever else you 
see, 1 know my pics will prove that 1 
know where it's at—and I hope it'll 
be where you're a 

I have color for SI5—black and 
white for 58 and posters for 520— 
but all Baubles, Bangles and 
Beads for you to play with. I's your 
all Park and my equipment—ler's 
connec 

Playtully yours, Geni 


TE 


M. 


de is at 


The leuer from Playful € 
least а little more perso 
h the bad night she 
ad how my letter brought out 
the best in her and how she needs me to 
d all. On the other hand, 
n of the black ink in the 
body of the letter reveals it to be a photo 
copy. Quick question: Is it posible Playful 
and sent me the 


than the one 


Xerox? Or does she perhaps do mass 
mailings to hosts of guys named Dan? 

I moisten a finger and rub it over 
the salutation. lı smears. Playful Genie 
Xeroxes her letters and pens in her salu- 
tations by hand. I take out Ellen's letter 
and submit it to the wet-finger test. Ellen 
is also revealed as a lady who Xeroxes 
letters and pens salutations. 

Shades of the Reader's Digest subscrip- 
tion-renewal sweepstakes: "Dear (NAME 
OF SUBSCRIBER): Imagine a brand-new 
5195.000 ranch house on (SUBSCRIBER'S 
STREET) with the me (SUBSCRIBER'S 
NAME) on the mailbox! " Well, we 


always knew thar the establishment 
co-opt ad ripping off the under 
ound, but did we dream that the 


underground was woptiug and tippi 
off the establishment? That girls with 
good tits and tushies and Polaroid cam- 
eras were in the mail-order business with 
personal-letter techniques lifted bodily out 
of such bastions of cstablishmentarianism 
as Pleasantville, New York? 

But wait a minute, Just because Ellen 
and Genie are trying to become the direct- 
тай queens doesn't mean it’s а unive 
practice. I me ybe Ellen and Genie 
are buddies and used to work together 
in the subscription department at Reader's 
Digest or Time-Life, dreaming the Great 
Ameri Dream of striking out on thei 
n and h; 1 little I 
That ам Шу proves that the other fi 
10 five doz 
Шу motivated. now, does it? 

Bat, alas, from Rosalie 1: 

the wet-finger test. So does the letter [rom 
a young lady named Jennifer K. (58 
for black and white, $15 for color, 520 for 
Loth) as does the letter from a lady 
bby G.. who spa k 
ns by beginning her letter 
"Hello My Love" (57 black q white, 
513 color), and one from Louise W., who 
its ten dollus—no checks. please—for 
ving expenses. 
Well, six leucis aly not 
enough to make a sweeping conclusion 
about the field, but it does seem the game 
is that these ladies at least get to sell you 
few pics before they fork over their 
phone numbers. Is it worth it? Well, no. 
not 10 me, at any rate. On the other hand, 
1 am on assignment to PLAYBOY, and so 
it’s not really my money I'm frittering 
away here. 1 send out the asked-for cash 
to each of the six ladies. 

Letter number seven is the most direct 
so lar. It is from a lady named Candy 
]. and it goes like so: 


m 


o 


ving their ov 


lovelies I've written to are 


iden 


letter 


s herself 


named 


e cer 


1 very pleased that you answered 


my ad. and Û ihi 
patable [sic]. И 
modeling fee 


k we may be com- 
сап fit 50 $ 
your budget TI gu. 
antec you a sexsational time! I am 
master of erotic massage, and I love 
French. Call soon & we can make a 
date to meet at my Manhattan apt 
incerely, Candy 


1 consider 550 a little steep until I ger 
letter number eight from Trudy $.. whe 
tells me that although she's married, her 
husband “fully approves" of her activities 
and that her “modeling lee” is 5100 for 
two hours. 

I appreciate Trudy’s and Candy's cm- 
dor. but 1 feel that even old moneybags 
Hef doesn't need to bankroll me to a 
session with a professional hooker 

It is now obvious to me that I needu't 
expect a high percentage of meetings with 
the ladies so far contacted. It docs make 
sense that 1 before. 
running sex 
cause she is having trouble getting laid. 
IE any of the mailorder photo sellers Гуе 


a Is lly 


uls be- 


no noi 


wo 


placed. orders with come through for me 
with personal me 


ings. terrific. But I am 
clearly going to have 10 extend my base 
and respond to more dian 20 advertisers. 

1 go back to the magazines. ] begin 
to seek our the kinkier ads. The way I 
figure ir, people with kinky sex hai 


ups 
icular 


Miss 


loves to play 
wced of bare 
nking" to established 


mature (30-55) fatherly types who 
know how to pamper a paddled be- 
hind afterward. . 


I don't know if ГА describe myself as 
a fatherly type, but E am certainly 30- 
nd could probably figure out how to 
pamper a paddled behind if I had to. 


5 


Sensuous. passive, young woman loves 
to be bound & gagged. Will pose lor 
erotic B&D photos. Loves to give Fr. 
culture, receive Greek culture, Ver- 
le in all friendships. S/M of any 
п or received, Your photo а 
owing which of above de- 
sired. . . . Husband will, if desired, 
perform all of above. .. . 


This may be the point where I should 
explain то you th 


an advertiser 
1 
she does not mean 
Proust 
'arthe. 


iat when 


says she loves 10 give French. culture. 


receive Greek culture, 
will 


she read aloud from 
while you flash her photos of the 
non. What she means is that she digs 


(continued on page 194) 


announcing the prize-winning authors and their 
contributions judged by our editors to be the past year’s most outstanding ар 


PLAYBOYS ANNUAL Y 
WRITING AWARDS mmm 


PRINT CULTURE, they say, is dying. Novels and short stories are dead art forms from an earlier 
age; and journalism is becoming a matter of electronics. Right? No, wrong—and the gentlemen 
cited below can so testify. So can our editors, who spent a bloody week determining which of 
last year's contributors were most worthy of our annual writing awards. Fach of the winners gets 
51000, plus the silver medallion shown above; each runner-up gets 500 bucks, plus a medallion. 
Which all seems like small potatoes when we think about what they've done for us. Thanks, friends. 


Best Nonfiction Best Fiction 


HIASHIMAN 
REGINN E 


NORMAN MAILER, who GEORGE MacDONALD 
is generally recognized as FRASER is on top here, 
the heavyweight champ of А thanks to his monumental 
American letters, went to swashbuckler Flashman in 
darkest Africa to report the Great Game (Septem- 
on the George Foreman- ber, October, November), 
Muhammad Ali “rumble which finds an admittedly 
in the jungle" and came craven redcoat saving "In- 
back with our medal winncr, The Fight jah" for the queen and becomi 
(May, June). Robert Scheer, in second as usual, by sheer luck (not before making. 
place, took very good care of the nation's ‘out with a few ladies), Vladimir Nabokov 
Vice-President in Nelson Rockefeller takes second prize with The Admiralty 
Takes Care of Everybody (October). Spire (February), a tale of long-lost love. 


Best New Contributor: Nonfiction Best New Contributor: Fiction 


ROBERT 5. WIEDER 
made us all laugh. with 
Clark Chent's School Days 
(May)—a put-on recollec- 
tion of a supernaturally 
strong but stupid adoles- 
cent who wrecks everything 
hberhood (in- 

Mom makes 


HARRY CREWS, whose LARRY McMURTRY gets 

novels we all dig, hit the the laurels for Dunlup 

bull’s-eye with Going Crashes In (July), wherein 

Down in Valdeex (Febru- our drunken hero gives 

ary), a visit to the rough- . everyone a real Saturday- 

and-tumble town that night special by driving his 

shelters the guys working potato-chip truck through 

оп the Alaska Pipeline, not the wall of the J-Bar Kor- 

ion the whores and assorted - ral. Ri icr-up is Julius Horwiu, whose 

Hers who prey on them. Second. place win- Going Home (May) finds its hero—cn 
ner is Jay Cronley, whose Houston (May) route to a rendezvous with violence get- 
profiles a metropolis where everything is ting into a dreamlike liaison with a lady 
bigger andricher but not necessarily better. оп a conveniently stalled commuter train. 


king. Jordan Crittenden 
came in second with The Man Under the 
Front Porch (February), an awry (able. 


PLAYBOY 


188 


FALGONER „аон pace 151) 


the place. Peter mopped the kitchen 
floor.” 


Vell, you seem to have forgotten the 
she said. 
gels in 

© women 


refrigerator door. 
“IE there are heaven.” he 
id. "and if they I expect 
they must put down their harps quite 
frequently to mop drainboards, relriger- 
ator doors, meled sur 
to be a secondary female d 


know what you're talking 


His cock, so recently ready for fun. 
retreated from Waterloo to Paris aud 
to Elba. "Almost everyone 

Hed mec he said. "What 


Fd like to talk about is love. 
Jh. is that ig” she said. "Well, here 
you go." She put her thumbs into her 
cars. wagged her fingers, crossed her eyes 
nd made а loud farting sound with her 
men 


wish you wouldn't make faces,” he 


said. 

I wish you wouldn't look like that.” 
she said. "Thank God you can't see the 
way you look.” He said nothi 
since he knew that Peter w 

Ii took her that time about ten € 
to come around. lt was after a cocktail 
y and before ner. They took 
They were one, 
The fragrant skein of her 
hair lay across his face. Her breathing 
as heavy. When she awoke, she touched 
his face and а 
Terribly. 


he though 


he said. 7 

uch : 
“Lt was a lovely sleep 

love to sleep in your 

©. His imagery lor 

ing the sailboat the Ren- 

high mountains. "Christ, that 
she said. "What time is it? 

3 id 

due? 


s org 


You've had your bath, FH take minc. 
He dried her with a Kleenex and 
passed her a lighted cigarette. He followed 
her imo the bathroom amd sit on the 
shut toilet seat while she washed her back 
with a brush. “I forgot to tell you.” he 
said. us a wheel of brie. 
she said, “but you know 
? Brie gives me terribly loose bowels.” 
He hitched up his genitals and crossed 
his legs. “That's funny,” he said. "It con 
stipates me." 
Thot was th 
the highest pa 


RET 
That's nice,’ 


marriage the not 
g of the stair, the clatter 
of Italian fou the wind in the 
alien olive trees but this, a jay-naked 
male and female discussing their bowels. 
One more time. It when they still 
bred dogs. Hann: the bitch. had 
whelped a litter of eight. Seven were in 
the kennel behind the house. One, a 
sickly runt that would die, had been let 
in. Loomis was awakened, around three, 


from a light sleep by the noise of the 
puppy vomiting or deflecting. He slept 
naked and naked he left the bed, trying 
not to disturb Marcia, and went down 
to the living room. 
under the piano. The puppy was trem- 
bling. “That's all right, Gordo." he said. 
Peter had named the puppy Gordon 
Cooper. It was that long ago. He got 
mop. a bucket and some paper towels 
and crawled bareassed under the piano 
to dean up the shit. He had disturbed 
her and he heard her come down the 
stairs. She wore a transparent. nightgown 
and everything was to be seen, “I'm 
sorry 1 disturbed you,” he said. "Gordo 
had an accident.” 

“TU help." she said. 

“Yon needn't,” he said, "Its almost 
done.” 

"But ] want to," she said. On her hands 
and knees. she joined him under the 
10. When it was done, she stood 
struck her head on that part of the 
that ov ps the bulk of the instrument. 
“Oh,” she said. 

“Did you hurt yourseli 

“Not terribly,” she said 


There was a mess 


he asked. 
“I hope I 


won't have а bump or a shiner.” 
"Im sorry. my darling.” he said. He 
stood, embraced her, kissed her and they 


made love on the sofa. He lighted а cig- 
arette for her and they returned to bed. 
But it wasn’t much alter this that he 
stepped into the kitchen 10 get some 
ice and found her embracing and kissing 
Sally Midland, with whom she did crewel- 
work twice а week. He thought the em. 
brace was not Pl xd he detested 


Sally. “Excuse me.” he said. 
What fo asked. 
* he 4. That was 


arried the ісе 


ту. She was silent dur- 


When they awoke the n 
day—he asked: "Good mo 
Shit.” she said, She put on her wrap- 
per and went to the kitchen, where he 
heard her kick the refrigerator and then 
the dishwasher. "I hate you broken-down 
ie appliances!” she 

. hare, h fucking, 
t that 
was 


» marble hall." This 
nous, he knew, and the omens meant 
м he would get When 


om 


she was distempered. she regarded. the 
eggs as if she had laid and 
hatched them, The egg, the ¢ 


breakfast! The egg was like some sibyl 
n an Attic dra 
“May 1 have г breakfast 
had once asked, years and years ago. 


“Do you expect me to prepare br 
fast in this House of Usher?” she lı 


asked. 
“Could 1 cook myself some eggs?" he 
asked. 


mot" she said. "You will 


е such а mess in this үшіп that it 
will take hours for me to clean it up." 

On such a morning, he knew, he would 
be lucky to get a cup of coffee. When 
he dressed and went down. her face was 
still very dark and this made him feel 
much more grievous than hungry. How 
could he repair this? He siw, out of the 
window, that there had been a host. the 
first. The sun had risen. but the hoarlrost 
stood in the shadow of the howe and 
the trees with a Euclidean. preciseness. It 
[ter the first frost that you cut the 
apes she liked for jelly. Not much 

than raisins, black, gamy. he 
а bag of fox grapes 
would do the u маз scrupulous 
bout the sexu of tools. This 
could be anxiety or the fia diat they 
had once summered in southwestern 
Ireland, where tools had been 


bigger 
thought perhaps th: 


female and d 
ying a baskcı and shears, have 
transvestite. He chose a burlap 
ng knife. He wer 
the woods—hall or three quarters of а 


west mi 


would. 
felt 
sack and a hun 


t into 


le from the house—to where there was 
a stand of fox grapes against a stand of 
pines. The exposure was duc cast 
they were ripe. blackish purple 
rimed with frost in the shade. He cut 
them with his manly knife and slapped 
them into the crude sack. He cut them 
for her. but who was she? Sally Midland's 
lover? Yes. yes. yes! Face the facts, What 
he faced was either the biggest of false- 
hoods or the biggest of truths, but, in 
sense of reasonableness en- 


veloped and supported him. But if she 
loved Sally Midland, ru he love 
Chucky Drew? Hc liked to be with 


Chucky Drew, but standing side by side 
in the shower, he thought that Chucky 
edt chicken with flabby 


looked like a dise 


arms like the arms of these women who 
used to play bridge wi mother. 
He had not loved a man, he thought, 
since he had left the boy scouts. So, with 
his bag of wild grapes, he returned to 
the house, burs on his trousers, his brow 
biuen by the last flies of that year. She 
had gone back to bed. She lay there with 


her face in the pillow, "| picked some 
grapes." he said. “We had the first frost 
last night. T picked some fox grapes for 


jelly." 


ank you.” she said, into the pillow. 


TU leave them in the kitchen,” he 
said. 

He spent the rest of the day preparing 
the house lor winter. He took do: the 


screens and put up the storm windows, 
banked the rhododendrons with raked 
and acid oak leaves, checked the oil level 
in the fuel nd sharpened his skates. 
He worked along with numerous 
that bumped. against the 


even as he, for some 
coming ice age. 

It was partly because we stopped doing 
things together." he said. “We used to 


do so much togeih 


We used to sleep 


Onyour 
way down to 
a small car, 
move up to Mazdas 


new 
Rotary Car. 


Cosmo. 


travel together, s 
concerts: we did c 


go to 
gether; we watched the world series and 


crything to- 


drank beer to 
us likes beer, not in this countr 
was the year Lomberg, whatever his name 
was, missed а no-hitter by half an inning. 
You cried. I did. 100. We cried together.” 
“You had your fix,” she said. "We 
couldn't do that together 
“But I was clean for six months,” he 
aid. "It didi’ ike any dilference. Cold 
turkey. It nearly killed me. 
"Six months is not a lifetime," she said, 
and anyhow, how long 

“Your point,” he said. 

“How аге you now? 

"Fm down from forty-four 
thirty-seven. T get methadone at 
every morning. A pansy deals it out. He 


ether 


ces to 
nine 


“That's what 1 told him. 

“Thats good. 1 wouldn't want 10 be 
married to a homosexual, having already 

ied a homicidal drug addict. 

“I did not КШ my brother.” 

“You stuck him with a fire iron, He 
diced.” 

"p struck. him with a fire iron. He 


s drunk. He hit his head on the 
hearth.” 
“AIL penologists say that all convicts 
осеке. 
niducius say. 


"When do you think you'll be clean?” 

"I don't know. I find it difficult to 
lines, I can claim to imagine 
would be false. It would be a 
ed to reinstall myself 
afternoon of my youth. 
s why you're a lightweight.” 


He did not want a quarrel, not there, 
not ever h her. He had observed, 
in the last year of their marriage, that 
the lines of a quarrel were as close to 
words and the sacra- 
y i don't have 
isten to your shit anymore!” she had 
. He was hed, not at her 
but at the fact that she had taken 
'ou've 
ruined my Ше, you've ruined my life! 
she screamed. "There is nothing on earth 
as cruel as a тоцеп marriage,” This was 
1 on the tip of his ronguc. But. then, 
listening for her to continue to anticipate 
his thin ned 
nd soft 

ation that was not i 
ke 


hysteri 
Ше words out of his mouth 


; he heard her voice, deep 
h true grief, begin a 
his power. 


ned w 


are the biggest mi: 


“Don’t give me that premature-ejaculation 


bunk— you just come too fast! 


when you killed your brother, I saw 
that I had underestimated my problems.” 

When she spoke of frustration. she 
sometimes meant the frustration of her 
areer as a painter, which had begun and 
ended by her winning second prize at 
an art show in college, 25 years ago. He 
had been called а bitch by a woman he 
deeply loved and he had always kept 
this possibiliry in mind. The woman had 
called him a bitch when they were both 
jay-naked in the upper floor of a good ho- 
tel. She then kissed him and said: “Let's 
nd drink 
could 


not 


he went over 
à painter. When they 
first met, she had lived in a studio and 
« herself mostly with pain 
they married, the Times 
described her as a painter and every 
partment and house they lived im had 
studio. She painted and painted and 
painted. When guests came for dinner, 
they were shown her paintings. She had 
her paintings photographed and sent to 
lerics. She had exhibited in public 
parks, streets and flea markets. She had 
carried her paintings up 57th Street, 
63rd Strect, 72nd Street, she had applied 
for gr admission to sub- 
sidized painting colonies, she had painted 
and painted and painted, but her work 
had never been received with any с 
thusiasm at all. He understood, he tried 
to understand, bitch that he was. This 
vocation, as powerful, he guessed, 


is, awards, 


as the love of God, and like some star- 
crossed priest, her prayers misfired. This 
had its rueful charms. 

Her passion for independence had 
reached 
joint ched 
ence of women was nothing at 
10 him. His experience was broa 
exceptional. His great-grandmother 
been twice around the Horn, under sail. 
She was supercirgo, of course, the cap- 

пъ wife, but this had not protected 

from. great storms loneliness, 
chance ol muti 


ШЕ 
ind death or worse. 
to be a 


fireman. but not 
humorless s ^7 bells.” 
she said, idders, hoses, the thunder 


n't I volunteer 
mother had 

businesswoman— 
coms, restaurants, 


for the fire department? 
been an unsuccessful 
the manager of tea 


dress shops and. at one time, the owner 
ot 


factory that turned out handba 
med cigarette boxes and doorstops. 
Marcia’s thrust for independence was 
not, he knew, the burden of his company 
but the burden of history. 


almost as soon as it began. 
She had a litle money of | but 
scarcely enough to pay for her clothes. 


r ow 


correct. 
to conceal it. She had begun 
© tradesmen cash checks and the 
claim that the money had been spent for 
the maintenance of the house. Plumbers, 


189 


PLAYBOY 


190 


electricians, carpenters and painters 
didn't quite understand what she was 
doing. but she was solvent and they 
didn't mind cashing her checks. When 
Loomis discovered this, he knew that her 
motive was independence. She must have 
known that he knew. Since they were 
both knowledgeable, what was the point 
of bringing it up unless he wanted a 
shower of tears, which was the last thing 
he wanted? 

“And how," he asked, the house?” 
He did not use the possessive pronoun— 
my house, your house, our house. It was 
still his house and would be until she 
a divorce. She didn't reply. She did 
not draw on her gloves, finger by finger, 
or touch her hair or resort to any of the 
soap-opera chesmuts used to express con 
tempt. Sh 

“Well 
y toilet seat” 
“Goodbye.” 


He 


he said to her back. 
jogged out of the visitors’ room and up 


the stairs to cell block F. He hung his 
white shirt on a hanger and went to the 
vindow, where, for the space of about a 
foot. he could focus on two steps of 
the entrance and the sidewalk the visitors 
would take on their way to cars, taxi 
or the train. He waited for them to 
emerge like а waiter in әш American- 
plan hotel waiting for the dining-room 
doors to open, like a lover. like a 
droughtruined farmer waiting for r: 
but without the sense of the universality 
ting, that waiting was the human 
condition. 

They  appeared—one, th 
two—27 in all. It was a weekday. Chica- 
nos, blacks, whites, his upper-class wile 
with her bell-shaped coif—whatever was 
fashionable that year. She had been 
10 the hairdresser before she came to the 
prison. Had she said as much? "I'm not 
going to a party, Im going to jail to see 
y husband.” He remembered the women 
п the sea before Sally Ecbatan's coming 
out. They all swam a breast stroke to 
keep their hair dry. Now some of the 
visitors carried paper bags in which the 
took home the contraband they had tried 
to piss on to their loved ones. They 
were free, free to run, jump, fuck, drink, 
book a seat on the Tokyo plane. They 
were free, and yet they moved so casually 
through this precious element that it 
seemed wasted on the 
appreciation of freedom in the way they 
moved. A man stooped to pull up his 
socks. A woman rooted through her 
handbag to make sure she had the ke 
\ younger woman, glancing at the over- 
st sky, put up а green umbrell 
and very ugly woman dried her wars 
scrap. of paper. These were their 
the signs of their con 
was some naturalness, 


, ош, 


with 
consuaint 
but there 
isclf-consciousness 


ment, 
somc u 
prison 
tween ba 


bout their im. 


t he, watching them be- 
rs, auelly lacked. 


This was not pain, nothing so simple 
and dear as that. All he could identify 
was some disturbance i tear ducts, 
a blind, unthinking wish to ay. Tears 
were casy; a good ten-minute hand job. 
He wanted to cry and howl. He was 
among the living dead, but that was a 
chestnut, There were no words. no living 
words to suit this grief, this cleavage. 
He was primordial man confronted with 
romantic love. His eyes began to water 
s the last of the visitors, the last shoe 
disappeared. He sat on his bunk an 
wok in his right hand the most interest 

ob 


is. worklly, responsive and nostal 
ject in the cell. "Speed it up." said the 
cuckold. "You only got eight minutes 
t0 chow." 

The night that followed go 
down in the memory of Falconer as deep. 
ly as the night of the 
Loomis queued up for supper. They 
rice, franks, bread. oleomargarine 
half a canned peach. He palmed three 
slices of bread for his cat and jogged up 
to cell block F. Jogging gave him the 
lusion of freedom. Tiny 
down to his supper of outside food at his 
desk at the end of the block. He had 
on his plate a nice London breil, three 
aked potatoes, a can of pea 
her plate a whole store cake. Loomis 
sighed loudly when he smelled the meat. 
Food wis a recently revealed truth in 
his life. Hc had reasoned that the Holy 
Eucharist’ was nutritious if you got 
h of it. In some churches, at some 
times, they had baked the bread—hot, 
fragrant and crusty—in the chancel. “E: 
Food had some- 
ng to do with his beginnings as a 
vise nd a man. To cur short a 
breast feeding, he had read somewhere, 
was traumatic and from what he те 
membered of his mother. she might have 


would 


this in memory of Me. 


yanked her breast out of his mouth in 
order not to be Іше for her bridge game: 
but this was coming close to self-pity and 
he h 


d tried to leech self-pity ош of his 
spectrum. Food was food, hun- 


it would take the Devil to 
Eat good,” he said to Tiny. 
e was ringing in another room. 
The TV on and the majority had 
picked, through a rigged ballot, some 
ne show. The irony of TV, played out 
against any form of life or death, w 
superficial and fortuitous. 

So as you lay dying, as you stood 
the barred window wardhing the en 
square, you heard the voice оГ 
п, the 
7 have spoken to at school or 
college, the victim of à bad barbe 
and make-up artist, “We pre- 
sent with pleasure Mrs. Charles 
Alcorn of 11235 Boulevard the 
four-door 


cut in two. 
A telepho 


By 


of 


sort 


ilor 


to 
275th 
thedralsize refrigerator con 
taining 200 pounds of prime beef 


enough staples to feed a family of six 
for two months. This includes pet food. 
Don’t you ay. Mrs. Alcorn, oh, darling. 
don’t you cry. don't you cry And to 
the other contestants, a complete kit of 
the sponsors product" The time for 
banal irony, the voice-over, he thought, 
is long gone. Give me the chords. the 
deep rivers, the unchanging profundity 
of nostalgia, Jove and death. 

Tiny had begun to тоаг. He was usually 
а reasonable man, but now his voice was 
high. shattering, crazy. “You racfucking. 


cocksucking, ass-tongu 

ing fleabag.” 
Obscenitics recalled for Loomis the 
longago war with Germany and Japan. 
he or 


you get 


obsolete BARS and fucking 60:mill 
mortars, where you have to set the fuck- 
ing sight to bracket the fucking газет." 
Obscenity worked on their speech like a 
tonic. giving it force and structure, but 
the word fucking, so much later, had for 
Loomis the dim force of a recollection. 
Fucking meant M-Is, 60-pound packs, 
landing nets, the stinking Pacific island 
‘Tokyo Rose coming over the radio. 
Now Tiny's genuine outburst unearthed 

past, not very vivid, because there was 
no sweetness in it, but a solid, memorable 
four years of his life. 

The cuckold passed 
“What's wrong with Tiny? 

"Oh, don't you know?" 
old. "He had 
the deputy called him on the outside 
phone to check on work sheets. When 
he got back. a couple of cuts, big cats, 
had finished off his steak and 


meter 


his 
them. The other got away. When he was 
tearing oll the cat's head. he got very 
badly bitten. He's bleeding aid bleed 
1 guess he's gone to the infirmary. 

If prisons were constructed to make 
any might have 
bee 


itable. 
But the fact was that t 1 with 
drawing boards, hod carriers, mortar and 
stone had constructed buildings to deny 
their own kind a fair measure of freedom. 
The cats profited most. Even the fattest 
of them, the 60-pounders, could case 
their way between the bars, where there 
plenty of rats and mice for the 
s lovelorn men for the 
ad the teases, and franks, meatballs, 
-old bread and olcor 

Loomis had seen the cats of Luxor, 
Cairo and Rome, but with everybody 
wound the world these days and 
writing cards and some 
it, there wasn't much point in linking 
the shadowy cats of prison to the sh 
cus of the ancient world. As a dog 


tender 


hunu 


nes books 


онн 


had not much liked cats. 
but he had changed, There were more 
cas in Falconer than there were con- 
viets, and there were 2000 convicts. Make 
it 4000 cats. Their smell overwhe 
everything. but they checked the 
mice population. Loomis had a favorite. 
So did everybody else—some had as 
of the men's wives 
Шет kity  chow—stuf like 
lines taught. the intransigent 
to love their cats is loneliness can change 
rih. They were warm, they 
they were living and they 


he 


breeder, 


many as six. So 
brought 


Loomis called 
because—black and 
white—it had a mask like a stagecoach 
robber or a raccoon. "Hi, pusy.” he 
said. He pul the three pieces of bread 
on the foor. Bandit fist licked the m: 
garine off the Dread and then, with 
feline niceness, atc the crusts, took a 
drink of water out of the toilet, finished 
the soft part and climbed onto Loomis’ 
lap. Tis clws cur through the fatigues 
like the thorns of Good. Bandit, 
good Bandit. You know what, B: 
My wife. my only wile came to sce me 
ty and I don't know what in hell to 


1g her walk away from the place. 
li. 1 deve he 
d the cars cars with his thumb 
1 finger. Bandit purred loudly 
shut its eyes. He had never. figured out 
the cats sex. He was reminded of the 
chicanos im the visiting room. 
good thing you dow't turn me on, Bandit. 
I used to have an awful time with my 
member, Once 1 climbed this mou 
in the Abruzzi. Six thousand feet. The 
woods were supposed to be full of bears. 
That's why 1 climbed the mountain. To 
sce the bears. There was a refuge on the 
top of the mountain and T got there just 
before dark. | went in and built a fire 
and ate the sandwiches Га brought and 
drank some wine and got into my sleep- 
ing bag and looked wound for sleep, but 
my goddamned member was not in the 


mood for sleep at all. lt was throbbing 
and asking where the action was, why 
wed climbed this mountain with no re- 
wards, what was my pu 


forth. Then someone. some 
started. scratching, at the door. Tt must 
have been a wolf or a bear. Excepting 
for me, there wasn't anything else on the 
mountain. So then I said to my member, 


И that’s a female woll or a female bear, 
perhaps 1 can fix you up. This made it 
thoughtful, for once 1 
got to sleep. but ——7" 

Then the general alarm yang, Loc 
had never heard it before and didn't 
know whit it was called, but it was a 
racket, obviously mi icc fires, 


riots, the € and the end of things, 
but it rang on and on, long afte 
fulness as a 


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PLAYBOY 


192 


n alert, an alarm, it sounded like some 
approach to craziness, it was out of 
control, it was in control. in possession, 
and then someone pulled a switch and 
there was d etness that 
comes with th 
of the 
ones had taken off. 
the toilet. Then the metal door rolled 
open and a bunch of guards came іп, 
lead by Tiny. They wore the yellow 
waterproofs they wore for fire d d 
they 

"Any of you got cats in your cells, 
throw them out" said Tiny, Two cats, 
at the end of the block, thinking. per- 
ps. that T 
. One was big, one was litle. Tiny 
ed his club, way in the air, and caught 
а си on the completion of the falling 
arc, tearing it in two. At the same time, 
another guard bashed in the head of the 
big cat. Blood, brains and offal splattered 
their yellow waterproofs and the sight 
of carnage reverberated through Loomis 
dentalwork; caps. inlays, restorations, 
they all began to ache. He snapped his 
around to sce that had 
started for the closed door. He was pleised 
at this show of intelligence by the 
fact that Bandit had spared him the 
confrontation that was going on between 
Tiny and Chicken Number Three. 
"Throw that cat out" said Tiny to 
піскен. 
You ain't going to kill my pussy," 
said Chicken. 


brief swe 


adit was behind 


1 carried clubs. 


ny had food, went toward 


want six days cell lock," said 


n't going to kill my pussy," said 
Chicken. 

Eight days cell lock," said Tiny. 
Chicken said nothing. He was hangi 
on to the cat. “You want the hole,” said 
the hole. 


“TH come back 
опе of the other men. 

Tt was half and half. Half 
cased the slaughter for ће 
closed door. Half of wandered 
around at a los sniffing the blood of 
their kind and sometimes drinking it 
Two of the guards vomited and half 
s got killed eating the vomit. 
around the door, 
targets. 
third guard got sick, Tiny said, 
“OK, OK, that's enough for tonight, but 
it don't give me back my London broil. 
Get the fire detail to dean this up." He 
signaled for the door to open and when 


the cats 
nd made 


them 


dozen 
The cats that 


The fire detail came in with waste 
cans, shovels and two lengths of hose. 
They sluiced down the block and shoveled 
up the dead cats. They sluiced down the 
cells as well and Loomis climbed onto 
his bunk, knelt there and said: 7 Blessed 
are the meek," but he couldn't remember 
"For theirs is the 


“Are you the little girl who said she wouldn't go 
to sleep until Santa Claus came?” 


GLACIERS ARE COMING! 
(continued from page 94) 


and went into natural selection’s discard 


rationalist sometimes accuses the 
evolutionist of substituting nate for 
God. It is an oversimplification. Never 
would the evolutionist bow his head and 
murmur, "Nature's will.” Never would he 
look on nature as the creative force, but 
only life, that single portion of the natural 
world. а small seed of truth 
in the accusation, for the evolutionist 
gains faith from his contemplation 
now of few rationalists who, pl 
hopes on the omnipotent hun 
. find much encouragement in ou 


Yer there 


у of evolution, despite all of its 
nd extinctions, is one of most 
probable success. Enough of us have 
survived 10 reassemble our genes and 
temporarily perfect a still more able ani- 
mal to tackle another of nature's night- 
uccessive waves of the ice age. 
interglacial experience has been 
jux one more test th has 
thrown our T cannot regard our im- 
mense production of food—despite its 
horrendous biological consequences lead: 
ply to a most gruesome popula 
1 outcome—as anything but necessary 
the long evolution of Konrad Lorenz’ 
human-being-to-be. We failed the test. 
is true. From our brief experience 
h benevolence. we learned. hedonism. 
gross materialism and institutionalized in- 
justice; entertainments such mass 
slaughter, massive destruction, е re 
production—and. of course, hubris, and 
the delusion that we were sters of 
nature. Faced now by a ruthless future, 
we may, through our greed and our 
quanels and our scrambles, take the easy 
way out and most decisively blow our- 
selves up. Every logic would support 
the probability. 

Yet I find the proposition dubious. 
Were we beings without history, were we 
dependent on nothing but rationality 
and conditioned learning, my pesimism 
would be fathomless. But we do have our 
history, and it is older than the hominid, 
older than the ape or the moukey, older 
Шап the tiny arboreal mammals of 
100,000,000 years ago. 1t is older than the 
ptiles who bore them, older than Ше 
t air-breathing fish, as old as those first 


accident 


an 
ss 


microscopic in our сау 
young years, who perfected before all 
determination to survive. 


There will be those of us of rare cour 
and endowment who will accept, per- 
. certainly adapt to a new 
kind ol icy world that in truth isa very old 
kind of world that we have survived be- 
fore. I doubt that those survivors will re 
mber intergl harshly as we 
sometimes see ourselves. The beauty that 
Cro-Magnon invented we took to soaring 


haps welcom 


ET ial man à 


it them as we once 
visited the caves of the Dordogne. They 


shore, and they will v 


t race that so 
circumstances 


may rightly guess that 
loved beauty in fortun 


uch of value that we 
arding most as baggage 
that the new ba nimal cannot 
afford. There will be the mt of cooking 
and certain seeds to help them along in 
their few favorable climates and poor 
uopical soils. There will be old books that 
they will read with amusement, wonder- 
ing at the way we were, until they come 
to seem too heavy to be worth lu; 
about or, more likely, the pages di 
grate. In the meantime, however, 
would be a curious eritance from а 
our technological paraphernalia if the 
one compulsory artifact remained су 
glasses. Evolution never had the oppor- 
tunity 10 encourage eyes fit for reading. 
We were truly not too bad a sort—stu- 
pid. it is true, much given to self-delusion 
and as tempted. by sentimentality as by 
savagery—but, on balance, an experimen- 
being who, while so often doing his 
worst, not too infrequently did his best. 
Though we weren't too strong about 
‚ still we thought quite a bit about 
it and could feel guilty once in a while. 
‘Though genetic altruism may have eluded 
us, still we were always preaching it in an- 
ticipation of a glowing collection plate. 
(Still, there were always those few, let us 


They will keep 
created. while di 


not forget, who weren't that concerned 


bout the collection plate.) And there was 
this idea of education, While normally it 
consisted of the most callous brainwashing, 
still it was an idea that some future people 
could make use of. 

What 1 must suspect is that the survi- 
vors of this glacial calamity that will befall 
and decimate us will, through most appall- 
ing natural selection, discard the Ardreys 
with their hyperdeveloped brains, paunch 
bellies, bad knees and flat fect and pool 
their collective genes into one more sub- 
species of Homo sapiens in a few tens of 
millennia and take one more step away 
om the ape in the direction of the hu- 
man being. And I suspect that in an 
infinitely rigorous climate, with eternal- 
ly hostile environmental demands, the 
mythology will become more pragmatic, 
and yer more demanding of belief. As the 
Greek poets and dramatists went back to 
Agamemnon and their centuries-old pred- 
ecessors lo whip into the Greek popu 
what was right, what was wrong, so I sus- 
реа that our iceage inheritors, whatever 
their literate capacities, will turn back to 
the villains and heroes of interglaci 
man for the lessons of what and what not 
to do. It could be our greatest legacy. 

As an interglacial mi I feel no еп 
barrassment—exeept that we ended the 
hun ped us, given us 


“Doggie... P’ 


md socially the way we are. 
killed off our fellow species in the 
al world. The death of the hunter 
and the hunted must be the sin that inte 
gladal man committed in the memories 
of his inheritors. How do you live when 
the tundra returns but not the reindeer, 
the aurochs, the extinct mammoth? 

nimal species—if they are not truly 
extinet—have а way of reviving when eco- 
logical changes encourage a return. It isn't 
just a matter of the human predator. Far 
more important is the land to roam with- 
out interference from fi 
must surely decline in number, so may 
the ecological elbow room of species i 
crease. So perhaps—and only perhaps— 
animal prey may expand to relieve the 
problem of food supply for the end: 
gered species—future man—and man the 
hunter may again have his day. 

Yet again, ] must express my doubt, 
We shall not have gone back to the bow 
and arrow, let alone the hand-held weap- 
on. We shall keep. beyond eyeglasses, 
technological advances in killing. so that 
our descendants will never be on equal 
terms with other animal species. The 
тасу. 
ath of the hunter will 
be the long monument to interglacial 
man. We denied a future to our successor 
beings. Evolution will show one 
whether the balance between natur 
man—from the risen ape to the 
human being—will have been restored. 
I cannot know, nor can you, since we all 
II long have been gone. 

АП 1 сап assert is that 1 was happy. 
even proud, to have been an interglacial 
man. We sailed the world, we explored 
the universe of thc id, touched on 


onstrated through natural selection how 
life outlives accident. We did so m 
gs that could not hı 
out our benevolent 
must retre: ure resu 


as n: 


witness the change—an impossibility at my 
age—I should find myself nostalgi 
the good old interglacial d: 
I should miss the opportunity of move- 
ment and the chance. for example, to en- 
ter an Afric kraal and recognize that 
long before their northern counter; 
ted through tribal 
ances compassionate and most realis- 
welfare states. I should miss wandering 
along the Seine or through the Uffizi G. 
lery in Florence. 1 should miss the over- 
confident. architectural monuments of 
Piccadilly and the endless green spread of 
Seattle's garden homes. I should miss win- 
dow shopping on New York's Madison 
Avenue or Rome's Via Condotti. as I 
should miss my crab meat on San Francis- 
co's Fisherman's Wharf. T should miss so 
ich the happy ау of children as they 
ride the Carrousel on а P: boulevard. 
Well. sooner or later it will all be gone. 
As an interglaci all regret it. 
Аза risen ape, however, I must have no 
regret but, rather, a warm sort of pride 
for an ape that has risen so far à 
Lorenzian course of becoming а hum 
being. His future rests beyond an icy 
hor We have come this fa 
is about all one can say 
n haunted by the happy cries of chil- 
d the clamor of the calliope. 


these people crea 
cep 


193 


PLAYBOY 


194 


DOMINANT WRITER continued trom pase 150) 


putting your sheantz in both her mouth 
and her tushy. "Versatile 
that she sculpts, does softshoe 
replace the transmission in you 
mobile; it means that she is пос а 
10 licking another ladys labia minora. 
S/M is, of course, sadomasochism. Except. 
the West Coast, where it 
10 slave/master sex. B&D is bond- 
ge and discipline. This means that the 
idvertiser gets kicks out of one person 
being trussed up like a yearling calf while 
the other person does unspeakably tough 
and humiliating things to him like, I 
g him he makes a lousy 
martini or needs to use Scope mouthwash. 

Some advertisers say they like TVs and 
water sports. This does not refer to Eye- 
witness News and the Australian crawl 
TVs are transvestites—boys who wear 
Merry Widows and girls who wea 
what? jockstraps? And water sports is a 
euphemism for taking a leak on someone 
f. J is also known 
(Listen, I hesitate 
10 even mention it, but if you ever see 
ad mentioning "hot lunches." I am told 
is а euphemism for fresh B.M.s 


erse 


don't know, tel 


ws 


lor romantic purpose 


s "golden showers." 


What one does with them 1 leave to your 
own imagination.) 
Now. did 1 mention that “parties 


refer to orgies and that “English culture” 
refers to being whipped or spanked and 
u al training” means romantic 
idyls with a poodle, a police dog or a 
Lhasa Apso? I didn't think I had. 

How do I know such things? you ask. 
Well, first of all, I'm a journalist who 
docs his homework. And second, I’ve been 
around, cookie, I've been around. 


Domin 
TVs, 
al 


irl likes submissive men, 
rendi performers. Especia 
se who will wear my und 


studs challenged & couples s 


ng 


photos invited to wath or join. . . - 


OK. now you can read this ad and 
understand that the lady is not looking 
for Marcel Marceau to wear her undies 
on Mero Griffin. Aren't you glad 1 filled 
you in? 


Submissive “tom-boy” type with very 
spankable bottom needs dominans 
who know how to control physical 
side, yet tease, humiliate & punish a 
semiwilling “slave” to ecstasy. Novice 
masters welcome, . . . 


d. 1 think, 
g it shows 


A fairly explic 
photo 
tive young lady 
usual in photos of masochistic 


ceon 


ound with rope, as is 
Ivertisers. 


Although another terse, photoless ad in 
Girls Galore says only: 


1 have a large full round fat behind 
that I just love to have spanked with 
a heavy paddle, 


The ad says nothing more, not even 
whether the large full round fat behind 
in question is attached to a male or a fe- 
male person. Another ad. also photoless. 
in the same publication tends to give me 
the w 


lemen. 2.2. 


I don't know if this person gets many 
to its ad. Certainly not from 
w both long d 
Still, you never know. 

1 Miser, I come across the best ad I 
have found to date. It shows five of the 
cutest young girls I have ever seen. They 
re standing on a beach, wearing bikinis 
on wonderful cure slender bodies and 
smiles on wonderful sweet beautiful la 
Here is what the copy says: 


es. 


oup. Sensuous, slender, 
ıg stewardesses with great bodies, 
ed by BED, would like to try 
other things. Will fly anywhere 
to meet men any nt or 
submissive, We do not seck money, 
only fun! Penna. females. 


с, dom 


Yow, I ask you, Aren't they cutie pies? 
Do they sound like you'd want to do 
everything with them? Are they sincere’ 
Who knows? But I abandon my w 
short reply letter and write them a ridicu 
lously long letter. I enclose not only my 
usual orgy photo but also a picture of me 
wearing a black-leather motoreyle jacket, 
sunglasses, a black cowboy hat, black 
leather gloves with industrial zippers and 
a gun belt. I figure this photo will let 
the sensuous stewardesses see another 
of me, however inaccurate. 

I send out about 40 more letters. most 
of them to masochists, sadists and other 
weirdos. 1 haven't really decided if 1 will 
have the guts to become intimate with 
any of them, but it’s sure fun to ize 
about. 

In the meantime, 1 ger further corre 
spondence from our old friends Ellen. 
Genie and Rosalie. Ellen sends me five 
black-and-white Polaroids in various split- 
Leaver poses and a letter that says I'm her 
kind of man and that she doesn’t want 
те to go away now, because she's "got 
photos that really show pink tit and pussy 
1 know you would love.” The 


1 cost me 


only 812 (a dollar price drop from the 
last i 


this commun 
Ellen." Like her pre 
vious note, Ellen's suckingly 


letter). and 


is 


ned letter 


is Neroxed. So are the letters from С 
and Rosalie, which contain 
demure pictures—only one sp 
in the bunch. 

About this time, the first of the replies 
to the replies to the S/M 
ing and swaggering in. An authentically 
handwritten letter from a dominant lady 
in Cromwell, Connecticut, named Vir- 
ginia M. says that she can certainly give 
me the type of bondage and discipline 1 
desire, that she has the proper equipment 
and experience and ıhat she requires an 
advance "tribute«leposit" of at least $20. 
She guarantees Іші satisfaction and will 
arrange our first session when she receives 
the money. 

A dominant lady in AN 
amed Joyce B. writes, 
i ed blue note paper. as 


follows: 


Dear Slave: I require that all of my 


male slaves wear my lingerie. 1 
quest lots of tonguing up the asshole 
and licking and sucking along the 


crack. 1 require much cunnilingus— 
and all of this while 1 stand over you 
in the superior position. I require 
that all my slaves adore my naked 
body. If you are ready 10 а 
obey, Y will take off my lingerie 
nd send them to you. but first ус 
must send me $8 cash, lor I cannot 
allord to give them away. I will also 
send complete directions and com 
mands for you to follow while you 
arc wearing them. I cam then be 
| submissive 


"nu 


assured if you are bo 
and obedient for that is the only type 
of slave I accept. 

Your mistress, Joyce 

(Slave written at my ion) 

P.S. For discretion—be sure to re- 
tum this lener, and always send a 


want a reply. 


Only а су 


would suspect that 


tress Joyce was in the maiborderundics 


biz but since I have no eed 


ply to my ler 
bonon 


ters. One writes on the 
note I mailed her: 


of the 


nswc 


nks for 
ingers Life. I 


pprec 
taking the time to answer; however, 
your letter and the phoro hardly seem 
om target to my rather specific, and 
limited, areas of interest. 


€ your 


в” 


miss sends ш 


Her note is signed simply 
The second subr 


sive 


te handwritten note to the 
п teenyaweeny scrawl, signed 

Well, B. and E., T sce I was wrong to 
send you my standard letter апа photo 
instead of something more macho, a mi 
ike that I shall correct immediately. I 
send both B. and E. copies of the picture 
of me in motorcycle jacket, shades and 
cowboy hat. And, with dillerent saluta- 
tions, I answer both of them sternly in 
the following manner: 


1 can see that I was too nice to you 
in my previous letter. I am more 
than Му your specific 
needs. The enclosed photograph will 
show you a representa- 
tion of my dominant personality than 
the group photo I sent you before, 
Ir is clear то me that you must be 
punished for your insolence in assum- 
ing 1 could not satisty your needs, 
Here, then, is what you will de 
Immediately upon receipt of this 
leuer you will send me an apology 
by return mail. You vill enclose your 
full name, address and phone num- 
ber. I shall call you when it pleases 
me and Т shall tell you when it w 
be convenient for me to see you. 


ore accur 


You will then come over to my 
house and apologize in person and 
attempt to convince me not to punish 
doing so, you will 


you. As you 
strip down to your par 
apology will not be accepted and you 
will be handcuffed and made to kneel 


s. Your 


h your buttocks in the 
| then take down your 
nd spank you until your 


lile cheeks are stinging 


You will 1 be told to 
nto my bedroom, where I will 
stap your wı (d ankles 
shackles and chain you to the bed. 
From then on, I shall do whatever I 
wish to you, and you will be forced 
to repeatedly satisly me orally. 


this poi 


go 


into 


At such time as I have decided 
you've been punished enough to 
atone for your impudence, T will be 


kinder to you and will take care of 
you and show you as much tenderness 
you seem 10 deserve. 
Г shall now dose and await your 
reply. Remember, the longer you make 
me wait, the harder it will be on you. 
Dominantly, Dan Greenburg 
P.S. In your reply, and in person, 
you may call me Mr. Greenburg, 


I mail В. and E. copies of this letter 
before I have a chance to realize that 1 
have undone myself with my closing se 
tence—if they are indeed masochists, then 


the w: 


ng that the longer they m. 


me wait, the harder it will be on them 
a only prolong their procrast 
Ah, the pitfalls of the dominant role! 

Three more letters from dominant 
dames arrive. The first is from one in 
New York City named Janct D. She 
sends me a short chatty handwritten note 
stapled to a much longer mimcographed 
letter, which E excerpt below: 


n. 


Suppose vou were to meet in a 
private place a young woman of 
hater (sie). beauty, cruel and arro- 
gant temperment (sic). She orders 
you to strip completely, treats you as 

chattel, spanks your bare-bottom 
very severely till your cheeks are blaz 
ing red. Then she makes you kneel 
before her and pay homage to her 
womanhood. sweet anus, barefeet 

i ly your mouth and tongue. 
you are simply a slave, an 
animal used to gain pleasure. Even 
when you finish pleasing her most 
private and sensual parts, she mocks 
п, perhaps whips you more cruelly, 
for bringing forth the weakness ol 
her most beautiful flesh. 

Tell me if you dare how you'd 
react to this. If you are thrilled by 
the prospect of enslavement, perhaps 
TIL hear from you, with all I ask in 
this letter. 

Your most arrogant, Janet 


TI tell you, Janet, here's the thing: T 
won't deny that some of my sex fantasies 
have been of the submissive variety. There 
is something deliciously rei ent of 
being the іше boy again and having 
Mommy angry at one in a sexually titik 
lating way. It is also very tempting to 
fantasize a situation where one has given 
up all control and any responsibility for 
whatever nasty sex things might develop— 
1 mean, what could I do, Ollicer/ Daddy] 
God/whoever, she overpowered mel 
Which, by the way, is the appeal of most 
submissive or ы and we all 
have them from time to needy. 

But my problem, Janet, is this. First 
of all, I also have lots of fantasies where 
Pm the master and I'm barking out the 
sexual orders. As a matter of fact, about 
a year ago it was my practice the third 
or fourth time I went to bed with a lady 
to suggest it might be fun if I tied her 
up with a length of dothesline and 1 
my way with her. (Surprisingly few of 
them objected, by the way, and all who 
tried it admitted the experience was some 
thing of a turn-on.) 

Second, 
most 


aps more important, 
Janet, how could 1 


be thrilled by the prospect of en 
for even 90 mi 


tes to а 
woman who's a lousy speller? I mean 


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Please rush me m plain package: 


Name — ~ 


Addrıss 195 
оу 


PLAYBOY 


196 


"hatuer"? “temperment”? You can't be 
serious. 

The second and third letters from 
dominant ladies are from Connie С. and 
Barbara R.. both of New York, who are 
apparently into the $/M. business 
big way. Along with their mimeographed 
letters, they send а number of items 
generally associated with serious mail- 
order solicitations. 

First is a questionnaire of personal 
preferences in which 1 am asked to check 
whether I love, like, am unsure about. 
am indifferent toward or dislike a list of 
things including, in alphabetical or 
Aggressive Women, Anal Adoration, Body 
Slavery, Bondage, Boots, Discipli 
(Mild), Discipline (Other). Equest 
Training (Woman Riding Man) Feet 
© & Beautiful. Female Authority. Fur 
(with Nudity), Foot Slavery & Service, 
Golden Showers, Leather, Lesbian Beauty 
ection to Woman 


er, 


Adoration of 
Woman by Prone Man (Forced). Punitive 
Women & Punishment, Submission (to 
Many Dominatrices), Submission (to One 
Woman Only. S/M Demonstrations 
(Woman Above M Two Women 
Dominating One or More Men. Wres 


— n 

Lets see here, waitei—1 think well 
have the Fur with Nudity to start, then 
the Feet Bare & Beautiful, with a side 
order of Leather; then I think weil try 
one order of Lesbian Beauty & Authority 
and, oh, yes, hold the Man's Subjection 
to Wom: 5 Destiny, pk E 

Also sent by the ladies is literature 
describing a number of things one could 
get fom them besides nasty treatment. 
For example, one could buy a cassette 
with 30 minutes of dominant palave 
from Mistress Shirley at 512 a throw; or 
introductions to a gaggle of dominant 
colleagues of Mistress Connie at three 
dollars apiece; or a set of bondage pics 
featuning Mistress Connie at ten dollars 
for six poses; or a Fetish Items Catalog at 
two dollars; or an estimate at three dollars 
by Mistress Connie's Master Craftsmen 
(Mistress. Craftspersons?) on any custom- 
made implement, rack, restraint or what- 
ever your cowering little heart desires; 
or your choice of four stories written 
specially by Mistress Annette to satisfy 
any of four popular personal deviations, 
three dollars and four dollars the 
story—we are told by Mistress Connie 
that Mistress 


work 


e's stories, 
re “ruly Unsui 


ples of Mistress Annette‘ 
work 


truly 


Unsurpassable st nd humor 


е enclosed, 
From Mistress of Pain: 


ther 


“Alright, worm. you've proven you 
have an experienced tongue. but that 
hardly makes up for your insult. You 
will, however, be allowed to continue 
slave training. . . . The first rule you 
will remember is that you are never 
to rise above the level of my breasts,” 
she said and lashed him across the 
back. . . . “The slightest infraction 
against any order I give will result 
in a severe whipping with this cat 


(Nobody better try whipping me with any 
cat. I can tell you that.) 
from Torture Unlimited: 


When the doorbell finally rang 
Colleen was already fuming. Her new 
trainee was 20 minutes late for his 
first session, an unthinkable mis- 
take. . . . He was only one among 
hundreds who had responded to her 
ad in the magazine. She 
the door and there he stood, hi 
bowed. He began to stammer an apol- 
ogy, but she stopped him short with a 
vicious slap across his face. “There 
п be no excuse for this insult. You 
should have been kneeling at my 
steps at least an hour belore you were 
duc," she growled as she jerked 
in the door and dragged him upsta 
to her work-toom. 


Well, sir, if that doesn't prove Mistress 
Annene has an Unsurpassible sense of 
humor, 1 sure don't know what does. 1 
make note of the dialog style for future 
use, and then decide that Mistress Vir- 
ginia’s uncommercial and personal note 
is the only one I care to follow up on. I 
send her a check for 520 aud await her 
sponse. 

In the meantime, I get what looks like 
my first promise of an actual face-to-face 
conta: а typewriuen note from some- 
¢ named Kathy F—"my real name. 
she says, leading me to wonder what false 
names she has given me previously. She 
urges me to telephone her and encloses 
а New York phone number. There is no 
code letter or number on her leuer, so I 
have no idea which advertiser she is. I 
embarrassed to tell her this, 
be offended to know that hers was not th 
only ad I answered, but I call her anyway. 

Well, 1 needn't have been embarrassed 

bout not knowing which one she is, be- 
se she clearly doesn't know which onc 
Lam. either. 

“I'm the guy who sent you the group 
photo.” Т say. "I put an X on my chest 
so you'd know w Re- 
the pictur 
* she says. 
ten dollars yet? 

"I don't know," I say. “ n, Ive 
sent а couple of girls ten dollars. I don't 
know if you were one of them. But how 


h one I was, 


come you asked me to call you if vou 
don't even know which one I am: 

“Well, I don't always send those notes 
out myself," she says. "I mean, sometimes 
the guy who handles my photos sends 
them out. How did you hear about me? 

“Through Swingers Life” I say. 

This doesn't seem to ring a bell. I'm 
nonplused. It's like when your phone 
rings and somebody's secretary asks 
you'll hold for Mr. So-and-So and dis- 
appears, and there you are holding a dead 
phone, waiting to talk to somebody you 
never asked to talk to in the first place. 

Kathy asks me to tell her something 

about myself. 1 do. Then I ask her to tell 
me something about herself. 
“Well” she says. "I work in a social 
service agency nine to five right now, but 
it’s just temporary, because Em also going 
to college. I'm in sociology, although a 
lot of people have told me 1 have this 
really good voice and everything. so 1 was 
thinking of getting into acting or radio 
announcing.” 

As a matter of fact, Kathy's voice is 
nasal and New York-aecented, so who- 
ever told her she ought to go into ai 
nouncing or acting had more up their 
sleeves than armpits. T ask if she wa 
get together with me. She's evasive 

“I'm really new to the swinging scene. 
you know.” 

So am L" I 
fellow innocent. 

My pictures don't do me justice. 
either.” she says. “I'm five, four and 1 
weigh а hundred and twenty pounds. 
Ji you can't tell [rom my picture, and 
I have dark hair and green сус 
That sounds nice.” 1 say. 

"You know," she says. 
model. You know what that mea 

“Yes,” J say. И you have to ask if some- 
one knows what it means when you say 
you're a model, then you're not a model 
You’ 


ts 10 


she says. 


say. delighted to find a 


nostly Im а 


with guys I dig 
for free.” she says "but mostly Im pro- 
fessional, or semipro. Until I either get 
y degree in sosh or break into the acting 
or announcing thing, ] mea 

T ask her if she wants to get together 
so she can decide whether or not she digs 
me enough to swing with me for free. but 
she can't seem to decide even that, What 
with all these career decisions mucking up 
her head, 1 can hardly blame her. She 
finally says shell come over for a dri 
afier ten and will call first, althoug! 
neither of these proves to be true, 

I take out my swingers’ magazines and 
пу to figure out which one Kathy is by 
her description of herself. After scarcely 
an hour's detective work, L find her. The 
ad describes her as having dark hair and 
green eyes and the height 
the same à 


id. weight are 


she told me on the phon 
10 be code number 


aled 


Н-1018. who. at the time the ad was 
placed, lived in New Jersey. 

T am quite proud of my detective work 
until I receive on the following day a 
note from the real Н-1018 from deepest 
New Jersey. a person by the name of Pat. 

Somewhat miffed, I return to my mag- 
єз but am still unable to come up 
wilh any other identity for Kathy than 
H-1018 in New Jersey. Since the note 
said Kathy was her real name, then per- 
haps Pat is her fake name? 

Tt is geuing far 100 complicated. But 
in running down further possible iden- 

ies for Kathy. I discover something very 
interesting. I have familiar 
enough with 100 or so photos to discover 
that many advertisers change poses, add 
inked-on masks or C strings and run 
al ads in the same publication. What 
ask for ach ad may differ. but 
I descriptions and prose styles 
кїйє enough to identily 
the sume person in several different ads. 
Sometimes the background details in their 
photos give them a the same satin 
drapes with the one bad pleat, the sime 
mosaic-patterned wallpaper with the iden- 
tical brass chotchiky. 

Т now sce that I must have sent my 70 
or 80 letters to only 20 or 30 ladies. Of 
course, the ladies themselves may not 
even realize this if, like Kathy, it's not 
they but some guy who is sending back 
ning to sound 


become 


very сотр! 

More letters come i 
opportunities to buy Polaroids of Crystal, 
Maria, Sharon, Natalie, Carla, Jen- 
nifer, Pat. Betty, Marianne, Selma, Beth, 
Jean, Jeannie, Mia. Carol, 
Marys and two Lindas. Also, 
that at least one of my dor 
friends has sold my name to a few 5/М 
mailing lists, because 1 also receive offers 
to subscribe to three S/M magazines and 
invitations to attend an S/M miser, an 
S/M ski party (where presumably. you 
could have your leg broken without even 
getting to the slopes) and an S/M charter 
Night to Puerto Rico on which even the 
stewardesses and the flight crew are sado- 
masochists. ("Ladies and. gentlemen, the 
captain has requested that you fasten 
your wrist and ankle shackles in prepara- 
Чоп for takeoff. We will be flying this 
afternoon at an altitude of 35 feet, and 
once aloft, your stewardesses will be 
ing you а hot lunch") 

Certain things are becoming clear to 
me. Not every lady I have written to 
wants to sell me aties or 
S/M software. Some—like Candy and 
Ттийу—м Tuck me for money. 


Polaroid 


ant to 


Some—like Virginia and Louise —want to 
fuck me out of money. Because. although 
I wnt Louise ten dollars and Virgi 


$20. 1 never hear from either of them 
again. “Please do not reply that you do 
not wish to buy photos.” said Lou 
eamest letter, “that is not my objective.” 


“Twas great—I had th 


terr 


fic fantasy 


that I was Forbush Industries and you were 
Smuthers Manufacturing and we merged." 


Well. that's certainly true. “I assure you 
I will keep my part of the bargain." 
Right, Louise, baby. 

The thing that is becoming clearest of 
er, is that trying to get 
laid by answering sex ads is about 12 
times harder Шап by simply mecting a 
gir! ing her out on a date. I'm not 
suggesting that everybody who advertises 
i zines is a phony, mind 
you. I wouldn't say that's true of more 
ihan, oh, I don't know, 97 percent of 
them. 

I have just about decided to chuck the 
whole experience and get ou to other 
things when a letter arrives from E. Re- 
member old E? Who thought I couldn't 
meet her specific masochistic needs? 


E, turns out to be Edith, who lives on 
the West Side of New York City and who 
has changed her mind about my ability 


to dominate her. She encloses her phone 
number and implores me to call. 

My phone call to Edith is short and to 
the point. My tone of voice with her is 
quite stern. I make an appointment for 
her to come to my house at eight the 
following night and I tell her not 10 wear 
panty hose. (I hate panty hose, in case 
I haven't told you) I tell her to wear 
panties, a garter belt and stockings. She 
says she understands. 

I have undertaken a great responsi- 
bility. I must not fail this person. I must 
dominate and persecute and humiliate 
her to rival her wildest dreams. I will 
need a scenario. 1 will need props. 


Down the block from me is a store 
called The Pleasure Chest. It is a store 
that sells all sorts of sexual props—vibra- 
tors, French ticklers, dildos, the usual 
stuff. What makes this store unique is 
that it specializes іп $/M der 
it custom-designs, Oh, you cin buy your 
ordinary New York Police Department 
regulation handcuffs there, sure, but you 
can also buy chain shackles of black 
leather and steel for wrists and ankles, 
heavy canvas strait jacket: K-leather 
hoods with heavy industrial zippers, leath- 
er and steel body harne 
crops and quirts and gags and 
warm the cockles of the coldest sadomas- 
ochistic heart. 

Knowing that a homely length of 
clothesline is never going to be cnough 
for Edith, I lay out cight dollars for hand- 
cuffs and S25 cach for two sets of wrist 
and ankle shackles. I suppose that going 
into an S/M store to buy chain shackli 
n the Seventies is equival 
nto a drugstore for а box of condoms 
the Fifties. I've done both with an equal 
amount of aplomb. 

Back home, it occurs to me for the first 
time that I have no place to attach the 
swivel snaps on the ends of the shackl 
Ifonly I owned a four-poster bed. Luck: 
I am handy wi and 
much 


nt to going 


without. 
screw cycs at 


h tools, 
h fo 
strategic locations in the platform of the 
bed to anchor the swivel snaps. I practice 
snapping the snaps to thc shackles and 


197 


PLAYBOY 


198 


nd unbuckling the heavy leath- 
ps so it will look like I've been 


doing it all my life 
It is the following evening, Normally. 
when I arrange to see а woman in the 


evening. I take her to dinner before or 
after whatever else we do. but this is not 
normally and 1 somehow feel that taking 
Edith to dinner would cause her or any 
other serious masochist to eye me with 
suspicion amd even wonder whether I 
might not be a doset nice guy. 

Beside ing to maintain a mono 
lithic sadist role throughout an entire 
restaurant. meal sounds positively drain- 
ing. Im not even sure how Fd go about 
it. 1 guess I could order the best things on 
the menu for myself and nothing for Iu 
Or make her cat only those foods she has 


s despised. 1 could order half a 
it and mash it, Cagnevlike, into 
face. As 1 say. too draining. Well. 


UH just heat up a cen of ravioli at home 


alter she leaves. 

At 7:30, 1 begin to get v 
the wrist wd ankle shackles 
handculls. I begin to dress 

I don't know how masochists generally 
prefer their beaux to dress. but from the 
pictures Гуе seen, Ud say the touchstone 
was black leather and rubberwear. | 
have a black-rubber skindiver's wet suit 
and flippers somewhere, which does s 
a bit extreme. and I think I might still 
own a pair of galoshes. But that’s about 
the extent of my rubberwear, and not 
ly the macho image Vd had in mind. 

1 do own a pair of black-leather jeans. 
Although they are tight and confi 
and make me perspire and squcak when 
walk. they are dearly the thing to wear 
tonight. Û put them on, along with a p: 
of biack-leather boots and a wide black 
belt with у steel buckle. 

The shirt is going to be a proble 
1 have nothing very butch. 1 finally elect 
to wear my black motoreycle jacket in 
stead of а shirt. IIL be warm, but what 
the hell—cither you're a serious sadist or 
you're not. I put on my sunglasses and 
the room gets conside 
the look. as I appraise 
ror, is properly menacing and worth it 

In the photo 1 semt Edith, I wore all 
this, plus a black cowboy hat, zippered 
black gloves and a gun belt, 1 put on the 
hat and gloves and sling the gun belt 
over my shoulder, but it doesn't look 
quite right. Is it possible Fm beginning 
10 overdo it? I take off the hat and gloves 
and gun belt Still menacing, no doubt 
about it, but as menacing as before? I 
buckle the gun belt around my hips. Nice. 
but the empty holster looks funny. 1 
ош ап old Colt Peacemak 
in Mexico and rebuilt and I drop i 
the holster, Beuer. I pull on the gloves 
akishly unzipped 
cowboy hat back on my 


idy. D lay out 
nd re 


that I found 


into 


in and leave them 
and plop th 
head. 


Hmmm. Very nice. Very on 
to а gun fighter’s crouch, left hand out, 
right hand poised above the Colt. Now 
nasty sneer creeps over my lips. Perfect. 
It's Jack Palance in Shane with a quick 
stopover in The Wild One to become a 
Hell's Angel. 

The doorbell rings. jarring me out of 
my sneer. 1 whip oll gun belt, cowboy hat 
and gloves and walk slowly to the doo: 
considerably hampered by my cumber- 
some costume, creaking impressively from 
every fold of leather. I press the Билле 
mble into the hall and pose menacingly 
atop the steep Hight of май» as the door 
at the bottom swings inward, 

An attractive young woman with dark 
somewhil tough face and possible 
пу enters, She me 
d 


ous. 1 go 


aces 


Actually. sh 
't think of any- 


“You're Late.” 
exactly on time 


but са 
thing else to s 
She starts to stammer an apology. but I 
cut her shori w us sneeze. 
"There сап be no excuse for this in 
sult—you should have been kneeling at 
my steps at least an hour before vou were 
due.” 1 growl as 1 drag her upstairs to 
workroom, thankful for Mistress An 
nettes scenario. 
irs. 1 look her over, Edith has an 
[slightly hard. face, as 1 said 
before. Her hair is black and on the short 
side. She із wearin; beige silk blousc. 
a del 
tan ski 


She is swallow 
nervous, If a car backfired outside now. 
she'd leap abour 1 ir. Pd 


like to comfort her, but it would be out 
of character. 

Usually. when people come to my house 
in the evening, I offer them a drink. 1 
wonder il Edith would be disappointed 
by amy evidence of hospitality. I decide to 
visk it. 

"Would you like a drink?” I say. 

She nods gratefully. 

What would you like?” 
Anything,” she says. 

"How's about a gin and tonic 

“Fine,” she says. "Actually, vodka and 
tonic would be better. I you have it, I 
mean. And il it’s not too much trouble. 

1 have it” 1 зау. “and йз not any 
more trouble than gin. 
Fine." she says. 

1 creak slowly ove 
pare to make the drinks. 

IE you have S.olichnaya, Pd prefer 
that she says. “But if not, don't worry 
about 

“I dor 


F 


10 he d pre- 


ы” Tsay 
't worry about 


Ве 


I go back to making the drinks. I 
should have had Stolichnaya. 1 should 


have turned up both the lights and the 
ан ie . With my sunglasses on 
in the dim bar light. I can barely make 
out boules and glasses, and inside my 
cket and leather pants. it is considerabl 
muggier than out. 

“HE you happen to have a slice of lime, 
that would be ideal,” she says. “But if not, 
don’t worry about it.” 

1 turn around and appraise her coolly 

“You certainly do have very specific 


quests lor a submissive personality." 
say. "Um not sure 1 like that, Worm.” 
(1 doit know il E actually said worm, but 
1 think 1 did.) 

"Fm sorry.” she says. “I don't know. 
why 1 sid tian 1 don't cire about the 


lime if vou don't 1 honestly E 
don 
“Whether 
side the poi 
reason you 
She 


swall 


ve any 


not is be- 
"And I think the 
sked wits to test me. 

pidly several ti 


T have limes or 
п," 1 зау. 


nods r es and 


ws hard. 


ht. she 


Im sure you're probably rig 
says. 

“Thats another thing I can't stand." I 
say. "people who say "Tm sure you're 
probably right” Either you're sure Fm 
ight or you're not. И you're only "prob- 
ply.’ then you're not sure.” 
She nods even more rapidly and swal- 
lows hurd again, 

“L think I'm going to have to punish 
you for your impudence,” I say. "Take 
Oll your skirt” 

Her cheeks flush. 
am 


Го the extent that I 


a right now this instant. 
She fumbles with the zipper on her 

skirt. unzips it and starts to step out ol it. 

minute." I say. "Are you wear- 

ing panty hose?” 

She gets more Hlustered 

“Didn't 1 tell you on the phone I hate 
anty hose? 

"E must have misunderstood," she says 
“L thought you said you wanted me to 
wear them." 

“L specifically wold vou пос to wear 
у. “Tike everything off but 
your panties and kneel on the floor.” 

"What are you going to do 10 me? 
cnsvely but with obvious 


d nodis. 


she 


“Do as Tsay 


id be quick about it.” 

She hastily wriggles our of skirt, panty 
hose and blouse. Wening only her 
panties, she kneels on the carpet. 1 pick 
паеш and unlock them with 


“Do you have 
“What? 
“A silk 
"D don't 
Why? 
“L think it would be really interesting 
to have you bind my wrists with a silk 


know 


“Funny, me, too. I'm as blind asa bat without my glasses." 


193 


PLAYBOY 


she says. The thought of it alone is 
turning her on. Well, what the hell, what- 
ever turns her on. 
“Just a mi 
ЕТІ 


say. “ГИ find one. 
into the bedroom closet 
and rumma id. I have worn ties 
bout four past three years, 
but I still have a couple dozen of them 


ge 


the closet than 
hades on I 
эр. Fd change to my clear 
glasses, but I forget where I put them. 

I try to pull a bunch of ties off the rack 
to look at in better light and the whole 
ig falls to the floor. Cursing, I pick up 
ack and the mess of ties and d 
them out into the light. I select one of 
them—not pure silk but still far too good 

tie to be binding up wrists with—and 
creak back to Edith. 

“Is it real silk?" she asks 

“Хо, goddamn it, but it will goddamn 
well do," 1 у. "Now hold out your god- 
damn wrists. 

She holds out her w 
hily around them 
1 on your knees 

She does. 

“OK” I say. walking around to her 
upraised tush, “this is for asking if it’s 

I give her a hard open 
right buttock. “This 
tie instead of hand- 
ing her а second smi 
aring panty hose, 
This is for ‘I'm sure 
youre probably right'" I give her a 
fourth, "This is for the limes." A fifth. 
“And this is for the Stolichnaya.” A 


ists 


d T wrap the 
id make a knot. 
wd elbows,” I say. 


is for askin, 


culls." E say. 


1 offered уо 
for coming I: 


"Couldn't you switch sides?” she says. 
ag to umb 
* telling me how to spank yo 
‚ enraged. "Y 
on technique? 
sony. 


“The right one is start 


"You 


owre giving me advice 


1 just thought 
rk! Don't gi 
how to punish you! I'm right 
T spank on the пірім!" 

I yank at the waistband of her panties 
and pull them down below her cheeks 

“This is lor telling me how 10 spank 
you,” 1 say, giving her a ninth smack on 
her by now quite red flesh. 
Just then the phone rings. When I am 
ing love, | never answer the phone. 
t when I'm spanking: 
T pick up the phone. 
“What is it?” Tsay 
“What's wrong with you?” says the 
> at the other end. 115 my nextdoor 
ighbor. Fred. 

"Nothing." 1 say. "What's up, Fred?” 

“I was wondering if you'd like to go 
grub a bite to cat," he say 


e me advice on 
aded, so 


ht now. I'm busy," I say. 
“What're vou doing?” 


you, 


“I'm spanking 

don't believe you, 
youself, Fred, IM talk to you 
Inter,” I say and hang up the phone. 

“You actually told someone you were 
ing me?" says Edith. 
didn't say it was you 1 was spank- 
y 
m'i believe you actually said that 
өп the phone.” she says. 

"I can't believe how insolent you are,” 
I say. "Who the hell told you to eaves- 
drop on my telephone conversation 
"m sony.” 
оште not now. but vou will be,” I 
say and creak over to the bedroom. where 
I've left the wrist and ankle shackles. 1 
am bathing in sweat inside my leather 
jacket and panis. I unzip the jacket and 
throw it onto the Hoor 

"Come in here,” 1 say. “And don't 
dare utter so much as another word. 
edith stands up and walks i 
bedroom. 

“Lie down on the bed." 1 

She docs. 1 pull off her p 
straps to both her ankles and s 
ends of the chains into the screw eyes. 
1 start to unt ¢ from around hı 
s and realize itll be hopeless with 
my shades on. T take them off and strug- 
gle myopically with the knot. I'm sweaty 
and hot and in a terrible mood. 1 pull 
off my boots and my sweaty leather jeans 
nd again attack the knot, but it's still 
hopeless. 1 sigh and get a scissors and 
cut it apart. 

"Fm ruining а pe 
cause of you," 1 mutter. 

“М least it isn't real silk," she says. 

“Did I tell you to tal Did 1? Did 17° 

"Tin sorry." she says 

I strap her into the wrist shackles and, 
alter lots of adjustments length, 
manage to snap the ends into the screw 
eyes in the platform. She is finally spread- 
aged on the bed and completely help- 
a hot and tiring 
18 


hes 


ays. 


tly good tie be- 


ch: 


les. but it has been 
process. Somehow I hadn't expected I 
а sadist to be such hard work. 

"Could | please just say one single 
thing?” she asks. 

“What” 

“The straps on my ankles aren't really 
very tight." 

“You'll pay for telling me that" 1 say 
and kneel on the floor and adjust her 
ankle straps. 

When I have finished. it occurs to me 
that I have temporarily run out of sa- 
distic ideas oh, E suppose I could simply 
go on spanking her, but what a bore for 
both of us. ft also occurs to me that I 
never finished making our drinks. 1 stand 
up and go to the bar and mix myself a 
and tonic and drink it str 


I make a second one and walk back 

bed. 

“Is that one for mez” she says. 

I say. "irs for me, I know I 

never gave you your drink. but if 1 ty 

10 give vou this, ill just dribble down 

your face and go all over the bed,” 
Nor if you hold my head aud help 


1" I say. but finally L take 
nd on her ridiculous spread. 
gle position aud 1 hold her head and 
help her drink and it dribbles down her 
face and goes all over the bed. The fanny 
thing is, though. that I don't really care 
that much. The funny thing is that | 
kind of like holding her head. The funny 
thing is that, even though Im sure it's 
strictly against the rules, I feel like kiss 
ing her a little, so I do and it’s kind of 
fun and she doesn’t seem to mind it, 
either. 

1 keep kissing her and stroking her and 
we are both beginning to get very turned 
on. 


"You cm be very tender when you 
want 10,” she whispers, 

I sigh a «сер sigh. 

“Yes, 1 can.” 1 say. 

“You're a funny kind of sadist,” she 
ys 

“You're an even funnier kind of 
ochist," J say. “You're probably the push- 
iest masochist in New York.” 


I notice a 
face. 


r expression on her 


pecul 


What is that peculiar expression on 
your lace?" 1 say. 
'I have a conles 
she says. 
“What’s that? 
“Well. I'm working, sort of,” she says. 
Worki 


ion to ma 


ke 10 you," 


mas 
2 she sa 
“Are you 1 say, starting to 
laugh. She says she is, and there 
son not 10 believe her. Come to think of 
it, would a true masochist demand Stolich 
maya vodka? Still. ivs the kind of th 
that’s only believable in real life and n 
in fiction. 

“Well, Fm researching an 
PLAYBOY," ] si 

We collaps uer Drs per 
fect—not only are the mailorder queens 
and the hookers Гус been in contact with 
so far on this piece pho the 
sole masochist I've ma 
of the bushes. And so am I, of course. 

“You know what I'd really like to do: 


serious?” 
» rea 


ide for 


siys Edith when she is finally able to 
speak. 

"What would you really like 10 do? 
say. 


“Га like you to undo these silly chains 
nd then ГА like you to hump my brains 
out." 

“Edith, old buddy," 1 


yourself a deal. 


y. "you've got 


TOOTH (continued from page 177) 


stop. Goldman. will shake his head and 
the loupes, spattered with many strange 
and opaque substances, will move back 
and forth like the antennae of an insect 
about to pollinate, Goldman will speak. 

“Perlect teeth, perlect. White, even, 
perfect; did you ever let an orthodontist 
have a crack at these? Dr. Bernstein? Dr. 
'enwaldz 


“Exactly.” 


ldm head. 


ПЕ 


White! The work Гуе 
kids to give them teeth | 

My eyes move. quickly to the. Kodak 
1 of Phyllis 

“And you, a poor b 
neglects his mouth. 
prince!” 

Goldman increasing accusatory pres- 
sure on my black tooth and yanking, the 


pr 


g into my vision; Goldman у 
in frustration on my black tooth and 
sha id. 

“Perica! Except for this. This god- 
damned tooth sticks out like a sore thumb, 
How in the hell did you ever do this?” 

And again, I tell him the simple tale 
of high school football. 

Goldman stares out the window 
shakes his head as he listens. Adolesc 
For him, it is a tale without red 

Once again, the ghost of Dr. O'Connor 
visits my tooth. Poor O'Connor. Long 
Г а stroke. But when he 
s good. he was good—even though he 
dental chair he jacked up by 
foot. And a slowspeed drill, Once agai 
O'Connor is breaking into my root canal 
and excising the guts of the dead nerve 
with a twisty instrument, now holding it 
in front of me, now turning it slowly in 
the Сизе light so I might observe with 
proper wonder and amazement my tooth 
umbilicus. O'Connor. had subsequently 
sealed up the nerve passage. behind my 
tooth with the finality of rolling a rock 
over the mouth of a comb, the tooth 1 
darkened bit by bit, and so it had become 
like an aged parchment, a talisman, which 
Goldman simply had to read at all costs. 

Goldman still has the black woth be- 
tween thumb and forefinger and now, as 
1 peer up at the double chins he gets 
when leaning forward, up at the mised 
gray whiskers, up into his nostrils, up into 


since the victim. 
w 


He will pull back 
God's sake, let 

He will explain the procedure. He will 
be patient. He will try to be tactful. 

“It won't hurt. You won't feel a thing. 
I just drill into the canal, apply some 
bleaching a ‘Il do this maybe 
three or four times—and that’s it. If that 
doesn't ‚ we ean always grind 


ns 


wor 


down, drive in a gold post and fit a por- 

in cap. 
And I will always shrug noncommit- 
ually, Why I can't let Goldman bleach 
my tooth I don't know, 1 honestly don't 
know. Is it that there's a lot of history in 
the tooth? That I resist change? I know 
Goldman is a perfectionist. I know how 
much it means 10 him. I really do. in a 
way, want to let him bleach 
in my mind I even hear 
Goldman have the black 
“Give Goldman u black 
ave Goldie the Black Beau 


ıe glaze of my eyes in the Ri 
ter light it's going to be yet another non- 
commitment. bears dow 

“What? Why go through life with a 
one percent smile when Г can give you 
onehundred-and-one percent smile?" 

I mumble something, 

“What? Is it the expense? Look, you I 
don't worry about. You pay me when you 
can. And money where we're all 
going, you don't need money.” 

I briefly consider where we're all going. 
“Where we're all going,” I repeat dully 
where we're all going, you don't ne 
teeth, either. Especially bleached ones. 
More so, capped ones with gold posts 
inside.” 

Goldman sadly shakes his head and 
peers through his various lenses at the 
black tooth, 


IN 


"his has been going on for more or less 
ten years. 

Though T might avoid Goldman 
months at a time, dodgin 
street when I sec him, lest he grab me 
and command, “Open.” right there on 
the street; though I might travel the wide 


world over and the whole world round. 
see sights wondrous passing fair, be gone 
for years and years, have wandered hare- 


foot and half-crazed in dusty Балла of 
the Orient, partaken of food, sweets and 
potions that might easily have killed a 


leser man, gnawed fierce hard nuts, herbs 
and spices that stain poignantly th 
of the local populace, still, all in all. no 
ter how long I had been gone. where 
ad been or what I had seen, who or 
who not Т had fallen in or out of love 
with, it was Goldman, Goldman 1 would 
come back to. 

Oh, nor that things stayed ihe same for 
Со either. No, no. There would 
be a new light in the room f. the 
street, а new dental tay, a compact 
electroniclooking metal box with some 
strange gauges and always, always there 
would be а new dental assistant. 

Each of these new 


hygienists, while totally di 
predecessor—some fat, some thin; some 
deft with eye shadow but bad with ip- 


stick: some breathtakingly good in the 
haunch but woebcgone from the waist 
up; others just the opposite, almost Lame 
but elegant, simply elegant from the waist 
up: yet others deft with buffer and in 

ways excellent in prophylaxis: others, 
again, embarrassingly and painfully Tack- 
ing in technique. so that one, I remember, 
had gotten her hair so badly caught in the 
drill flywheel I had had to climb ош of 
the couch and disentangle her, hair by 
hair, while she, bent double, tears stream- 
ing down her face, waited patiently, both 
ol us praying Goldman stay involved. in 


the oral cavity in the next room—but cach, 
no matter how different, would have some 


mon with the 


intangible q 
previous gi 
First, each would greet me 1 


y in co 


PLAYBOY 


202 the perfect white sm 


longlost cousin, calling me by my first 
nc, saying, we've heard so much about 
nd asking me in a сапу voice 


you, 
about particulars of my life I had long 
since forgotten. Obviously, that would 


make me uneasy. 

T would ease onto Goldma 
the sad eyes of myriad departed oral hy- 
gienists would flash before me like the 
Ше of a drowning man and I'd think 
well, this one, this new girl must be dif- 
ferent from all the others. Must be. But 
as soon as Goldman would get rolling, it 
would be the same. 

Goldman would start: 
chart? Have you taken N rays?" 

“I thought you didn't want N 
Dr. Goldman 
And wh 
don’t ask you to thi 
to think! Just do what I s 

wasted." Goldman si 
Goldman suffering. 
„we would resume. 
they would take up right. 
ere they d left off. 
Dr. Goldman, do you need 
forensic douche bag?” 
oldman, pausing, stiffer 
Ш with scorn. Mouth twist 
SD. sisal ЧЫ АНДЫ ИЙЕ 
need ...a.... forensic . . . douche . 
bag? Do I? For God's sake, please! 

Angels in their starched white uni- 
forms, the girls would stare ош the 
window, blink quickly many times, bite 
their lips. Who could be the id 
asistani for such a man? Could such a 
al creature ex 
the dental couch, midwife of the properly 
blended filling? Christ, didn't these un- 
suspecting girls sense, when they first 
walked into his office, that they were deal- 
ing with an artist, a virtuoso, the Johann 
Sebastian Bach of the oral cavity? 

My cyes would stray over the glare of 
the light and inevitably come to the large 
Kodak print of Phyllis Goldman and 
though the pictures would change—now 
she would be standing in snow glare, 
leaning on her Head poles; now on a 
beach, leaning forward out of her top, a 
little bit of domestic cheesecake: hell, in 
some countries, like India or Pakistan, a 
picture like that would have half the 
pubescent and adult male population 
jacking off until insane—bur though the 
pictures might change, they would remain 
constant, so that finally I would come to 
suspect that they had been placed there 
above the cabinet by Goldman's ow 
hand at exactly the place he knew— 
through years of dental experience—my 
eyes must stray. But instead of conclud 
that I must call aforementioned. Phyllis 
Goldman, slowly, as time returned me 
tw Goldman's dental 
to the that 


in's couch, 


"Where's 


shouldn't I want N rays? I 
k! P dont pay you 

Now this 
hing. “Take 


double 


g. becoming 


mor 


" 


conclusion 


her top, the girl with the cleavage and 


le, would be the 


only girl who could make Goldman the 
perfect dental assistant. In a delirium of 
lear and pain, Goldman descending with 
the high-speed drill, I would see her. 
Phyllis Goldman, an ^ 
office, hovering in the 
light like a Chagall lover. 

And, invariably, when Goldman would 
y hold of the black tooth and wind up 
ith his two-pronged proposition, 1 would 
sce her in that role. 
a? What was it 
tooth? What was it 10 © 
попі! 

And once, after а long foray ош into 
the world, returni iny of 
yet another new Kodak of Phyllis, I 
almost said, “Isn't she married yet! 
Instead, I closed hard on Goldman's 
nger—Goldman, whose finger tips, erio- 
lated, wrinkled, gnawed and eaten, under- 
go a sea change in our collective sali 
Goldman, who is only trying to do ı 
best he can for himself and his family 
and through some strange notion, some 
attraction in my overbite, has decided 
I am the best he can do for his dau; 

This time, as I. odalisque, lie supine on 
his couch, it comes to me slowly, slowly: 
like Othello, the Moor, I am the last to 
suspect. yet ripe for suspicion; my tooth, 
its blackness, Goldman, Ariel? my tooth 
scachanged, he wants to make me perfect 
belore he gives me to his daughter. per- 
feci! Make the white-porcelain crown 
and drive in the gold post, too, il 
need be, make that white tooth the jewel 
for the crown of my perfect teeth, make 
me a perfect jewel for his daughter 
make... . Oh, I see it all too well, I am 
to be his gilt horse and he is always 
looking me in the mouth. 

Goldman saying: “You're not t 
good care of them. we eat hot thi 
cold things. enamel expands, con 
things decay. nothing lasts forever 

But I'm not listenin 

Has he not had a bener chance than 
most. potential fathers 
10 scrutinize my inner fiber, to wy me at 
close quarters; was it not a test, that day. 
years ago, through the spritz of the water 
and the suck of the drain, when, 
back on his drill, Goldman had st 
deep into my eyes, studying me like 
lover, and finally asked, “Too much for 
you? Novocain?” 

And І, macho fool that I was, remem 
bering a. Hawaiian cowboy Га met in a 
bar, who chewed kavakava тоот and pulled 
his own teeth with a pliers, had played 
Fight into Goldman's hands, fiercely whis- 
pering back through cotton. packs and 
dry mouth, “Хо, no way, pour it on 

Now Goldman looks long into my eyes, 
pats me on the shoulder, sha 

“You've got to brush better.” 

Deep inside me, I hear an un 
voice 

"Give it to him.” 

What? 


with the damn 
oldman? Perfec 


“The black 
black baby.” 
Huh? 
ahead.” 
1 close my mouth and place the point 
of my tongue against the smooth wet 
convexity of the left incisor, departed 
circa 1960. 1 dose my eyes. I tap the tip 
of my tongue against the tooth in inquiry 
I meditate. I hear Goldman, strangely 
silent except for the expectant rush ol 
breath in his nostrils. 
зо ahead, give Goldman the black 


one. ve the 


I break into a sweat. 
"Dr. Gold 2.27 P complain. of 
a. I stammer out my apologies. 

Is there a look of triumph around hi 
mouth as I ease myself out and close the 
door? Behind the frosied glass panel, the 
outline of Goldman, D.D.S., looms 
silhouette like a Thirties movie gangs 


І go through a period of agonizing 
soulscarching. I walk the streets until the 
wee hours of the morning. On di 
corners, phone booths, like lum 
blocks of ice, beckon, Come in. drop in a 
dime, call Goldm: 


Naturally, I think of my father’s tecth— 
the tecth of my father. 
There he is, standing, talking to Gold- 


man at a garden party. Apparently, my 
father has been foolish enough to com- 
plain he has developed a pain in his 
mouth, Bad move. Bad. bad move. 

In short order, Goldman has my father 
out of the garden. into the den and bent 
back in a lounger. From the doorway. I 
Goldman in madras sports coat, tic 
hung back over one shoulder, Tensor 
lamp in one hand. spoon in the other. 
The spoon disappears into my 


sec 


her's 


mouth, Goldman leans toward my father, 
ather disappears from vi 


my м: all T can 
now see of my father is his hand emerging 
from around Goldman's body. the fingers 
impressed in the perspiration of the gi 
and-tonic glass. Above Goldman’s bent 
back, through the picture window, the 
wedding reception transpires in lu 
splendor; it is like а table viewed 
through the eyepiece of an Easter egy. 

Goldman suaightens up. He has made 
some decision 


Suddenly, they are stampeding by. 
pressing me back in the doorway, Gold 
m. gging my father down the 


ear in the garden and 1 
see them hopping Пот flag 
the garden path to the street, Goldman 
in the lead. moving at a rapid clip, sli 
ping out of his jacket and rolling up his 
sleeves as he goes, my father, still cuich- 
ing his gin and tonic, bringing up the 
т. In mere moments. they are gone. 
hear Goldman's gun-metal-blue 
Jag winding out in the direction of his 
fice. 

The imelligence reports come jum- 
ng back fast and thick from the front, 


o flag dow 


bh 


xism. Father's been grinding his teeth 
in his sleep for years. Teeth, all of them, 
loose as rubber bands—Goldma 
analogy! 

Goldman working fast. "That very after- 
noon, the final decision made, Мо pre- 
varication. No hanging back. All teeth 
must go! All teeth ош! To be pulled! 
Ise teeth! Full st 4! 

Shortly after, Father chastened. all 
teeth pulled. perfect white false teeth, 
what beauties! 

Father suddenly a movie star! 

I see the teeth on the blue porcelain 
of his sink, I descend motionless onto the 
toilet seat. T contemplate the false teeth. 
ж ven. Equipped with 
their very own red gums. The d ion 
of something, Wh: long-sufter- 
ing Luther? A respo ах paying mem- 
ber of the republic? What? Just what? E 
those even white-porcelain teeth 
i on the е back and we 
bout each other. 

k the streets. The voice is insisten 
“Give Goldman the black one.” 
way! 

sive Goldman the black one.” 

T think of my father's false tceth— 
the false teeth of my father. Is there a 
moral in them for me? A warning? If T 
could pry open those false teeth on the 
sink and command or cajole. flatter or 
trick them to speak—"Tech, spe: 
what would they have to tell mez 
riddles? What aphorisms? 


Perfect 


What 


I stare at the false teeth, but they 
remain mute. 
H nothing else, if the teeth won't speak, 


I know at least this much. My lather 
could take it having all of his teeth 
pulled. Well, then. so can I! 

But it is nor a matter of pulling teeth 
d even that convenient old equation 
in xX Father = Pain x Son + 1-Сап- 
"o won't wash, since Gold- 
sworn on his heart, throwi 
nds, staring at me through any 
15 of lenses, “There will 
dead tooth, right? The 
So what's there to worry 


out 
one of his three s 
be no pain! It's 
s dei 
about: W 

Im at a loss. Yes, what? 

The voice insists, “Give Gold: 
black baby.” 

I say to the tooth, “Tooth, what? 
Tooth, are you >" 

And Tooth doesn't answer. 

Т ty to empathize, ло understand my 
tooth. How would it feel 10 have Gold- 
man bore in, apply the bleach 

Fear fear fear fear. 

Awlul to tamper with Tooth, set be- 
neath my nasal cavity, now embedded in 
the soft. lastly hardened bones of my jaw 
but scant inches away from the Big Nerve 
itsell, my b Tamper and upset the 
precarious balance of my reptilian cortex. 
After all, Big Nerve is the home of my 
alpha, beta and delta waves, my heaven 
and hell, my centers of spirit 1 
sexual ecstasy, which are no more than 


n the 


‘Oh, that’s a fake. My real fireplace is over here." 


а few synapses away from each other as it 
is and which are already theologian’s 
nightmare enough in their whispering 
chemo/elecnic conspiracy. And to just 
come barreling in there and mess with 
Tooth, Tooth so close to the dream 
tory, Tooth, already the star of so many 
ol my dreams, or nightmares . . . ? 

1 sit down under a streetlight and 
taking up some cit-food coupons provi- 
dently scattered on the sidewalk, [ try to 
write a poem. Nothing comes. 
The pen writes of is own 
ve Goldman the black one." 

In the morning. I сай Goldman. His 
new girl, Jean Valentine, picks up the 
phone. In a parched, tired voice, I whis- 
per: “Give me Dr. Golding 

It's as though he's been waiting by the 
phone ged hand signal 
ches 


п а prearr 


The receiver 
over the cradle. 
‘Goldman here. 

1 lower the receiver. 
© Goldman the black one. 
The receiver rises slowly as the snake 
charmas cobra 


“I know who it 
“Ouc-tbirty? All rig 


How's one-hirty 
one-thirty.” 


We hang up at the same ti 
the bathroom 
brushing. 


ie. I go into 
nd give my teeth a good 


It doesn't escape me that Goldin: 
is wearing a clean blue frock, that a 
six of his lenses, even the squares of 
pure observation. extending from his 
forehead. are free of any and all opaque 
substances, that, in fact, they are. as the 
irout. fishermen are wont to say ol their 
n Valentine is in 
a perlealy sta pressed. white 
uniform, her lips are visibly buttoned. 
there are fresh flowers in the vase on the 
reception desk, Ше phone is olf the hook 
nd Goldman has almost creased his 
double chi а smile as he hands me 
onto the dental couch. As I lean back, 
I think of the serpent and scepter en- 
iwined over the date on the build 
1037. I had never noticed that befor 
Verily, T have come unto the temple 

Goldman commands, “Open!” 

And Lopen. 

The chant is 


ht there. 


"Well we cleaned them усмен 
yes? 

I nod. 

“And no cavities, yes?” 

I nod. 


“So let me guess why you've come.” 

1 nod. 
Whe Пу lays hold of 
the black one, it is with а look of such 
(continued on page 206) 


204 


In 1840, Norwe; 
their first. menstrual period 
the age of 17. Today, the average age 
is 13. For the past 130 years, the age of 
cnarche has been dropping at the 


rate of four months per decade in the 
U.S. and in 


denhe 


imented with animals 10 
what was causing this. Begi 
with variations in diet and env 
‚ he found that 47.3 percent of 
the variation in age resulted from the 
presence ol an adult male. Imma- 
ture cs, when kept with a mature 
male, reached puberty at an earlier age. 

In addition to this, recent studies 
shown that women who spend a 
large portion of their time together 
(such as roommates in dormitories) 
experience a synchronization of th 
al cycles. In other words, the 
and menstruate simulianeous- 
planation for this is the 
се of 


t trigger 
ıd other biophysical responses 
And, on the subject of 
other interesting 
Tampax seems to be 


and depression- 
ny. While other firms’ prof- 
its on sanitary napkins have gone up 
4.7 percent, those of Tampax on sales 


TAINS TANIA 


an insider's look at everything you need to know to keep 
up with, and flourish in, the latter part of the 20th century 


of tampons went up more than 300 per- 
cent between 1960 and 1973. And the 
company is almost certain never to go 
broke. 


PHOTO FINISHED 


While the big New York art dealers 
and the media are hailing photographic 
prints as the next great art market, 
there are some things you should know 
before reaching for your life savi 
You've already п 


d the few that have been 
le in recent years have been 
«d. Secondly, the notion of an 
phy is question- 


ts сап be made 
While no ethical 

the mere fact 
it is possible could keep any given 
print from ever acquiring the value of 
a painting or a piece of sculpture. (If 
you had collected Picasso in 1920, you 
would be rich now.) Probably the only 
way to exploit this new market is to 
fund а 1976 version of Ansel Ad; 
get him to make signed prints for you. 
Then buy his negatives. 


ms and 


HARD RAIN 


Patrick Porgans nearly drowned while 
on California's Feather River in а 19 
adi rainfall, He sued the Pacific Gas 
nd Elecnic Company. On June 9, 
1972, ten inches of rain fell in a few 


hours near Rapid City, South Dakota, 
widening Rapid Creck to 400 fect, 
bursting Canyon Lake Dam, killing 
more than 200 people and doing about 
120,000,000 worth of damage. Some 
of the survivors sued the U. 
ment for millions, In 1974, Hu: 

fi to Hondu ining the 
a crop and k 
d 10,000 people. Dr. Jorge Vivo 
I the Geographic Research Center of 
the University of Mexico cha 
the Ur her Ser 
sponsible. No one has bee 


convict- 
ed of wrongdoing in these matters, 


but just before Porgans near miss, 
P.G КЕ. was seeding the clouds in the 
arca. Seeding, practiced since just 
after World War Two, involves pu 
t jodide crystals into clouds. 
Droplets form around the crystals and 
in, snow, sleet or hail results. Just be 
1 flood, the U.S. 
Depariment of the ar and the 
Bureau of Rec те seeding 
clouds in the a seed 
ed by the W Service in 
apparently successful attempt to keep 
the hurricane from hitting Florida. 
Weather mod (modification), as it 
is called, is big business. For example. 
power companies like P.G.&E., South- 
ern California Edison, et al.. depend 
on water for power, whi y se 
to the people. By seeding winter 
clouds in the mountains, they increase 
all. When it melts, the result is 
more water, more power, more money. 


snow! 


The catch: Tax dollars subsidize the 
The Bureau of Reclamation 
a projet called Winter 
Orographic Snowpack Augmentation, 
which could bring in ап extra 


asc in 


It could also produce an incr 
avalanches, in the cost of snow-plow- 
ing roads, in the amount of feed that 
з to cattle and 
of wild a 
А secondary effect of doud 
g is that, once the moisture is 
dumped, no rain falls downwind. This 
produces patches of extremely wet and 
nd and could wipe out marginal 


would have to be 


full effects of weather 
e not known, there are virtually 
no laws governing the pra most 
states. Coors Beer did it j 

lave rainfall at the i its 
rley and suns! 
(you 
droplets for 
appear, Tite 
smoke, thus suppres 5 
or snow). And one of the worst thin 
about weather mod is that it's not very 
easy to aim. The rain might fall 30 
miles downwi 
dL Past performance 
those who modify the weather pretty 
much ignore the question of whom it's 
going to come down on. In view of 
the Fact that weather is the most pow- 
erful, readily available 
of energy оп emih (а thunderstoi 


douds di 


puff of 
Lsleet 


can deliver several hundred megatons 
of energy)—ánd we know from the 
Pentagon papers that the CIA used it 
—its modification 
wer of abuse. 


сатіе with it a 


PARADISE FOUND 


In looking for a vacation home, have 
you con 
Islands Unlimited 


Street, Granada 
901314) w 
not just for the rich. Butter Island 
in Nova Scotia, six acres in the Tus 
ket River, featuring sand and rock 
beaches, is for sale for 59000. Five- 
acre Liule Riley Island in the same 
arca goes for 516,000. Partridge Island 
is 20 acres and sells for $35,000. 

There are also some very attractive 
properties in warmer с 
тато Island, near i 
acres, inci 
palm tees, is offered for $39,170. 
Nearby Motunono (8.93 acres) costs 
$33,610. A whole range of such prop- 
erties is for sale in the Bahamas, from 
three acres for 510.000 and seven acres 
for 545000 up into the millions. 
There are thousands of others for sale 
around the world. One of the famous 
Seychelles off East Africa is for sale for 
150.000 Deutsche marks. 

More convenient are properties off 
Florida, such as Peli 
for 575,000, 
Ke 

For larger 


17 acres for 


(with offices in major cities) specializes 
in homes with something special 10 
ıe Pelican Island. 
1793 Admiral 
y forces. Some 


the Exuma group of 
Elizabeth Island. 100 acres of lush veg: 
ion surrounded by rocky diffs, is 
xilable for just under half a million. 
rhe main house has seven rooms; the 
guesthouse and an older house cach 
five. two: bedrooms. On. “Ше other 
hand, you don’t have to go all the 
way to the Bahamas to have your own 
nd. Lake Champlain іп Vermont 
surrounds several that 
for those who enjoy hunting, fishing 
now skiing. Stave Island 
is 85 acres with a seven-room house, 
heavy woods and a concrete dock that 
can, accommodate > 60100: yacht. 
Price: $265,000. 

But if you're looking for a bargain, 
wy this three-island set in Lake Lu- 
cerne, northern Wisconsin: Sugar Loaf, 
Mark Anthony and Cleopatra islands, 
plus 100 feet of mainland frontage, are 
offered for only $170,000. Sugar Loaf 
is one and а half aces on which 
stands a new, furnished  Ihree-bed- 
room home. On Mark Anthony is the 
guest couage. Cleopatra and the fron 

pe are vacant. A 1-foot. alumi 
S ic dci. ЕЙ 


and water or 


га 


num rowboat comes w 


ILLUSTRATIONS Ву PHILLIPE WEISBECKER 


205 


PLAYBOY 


206 


TOOTH (continued from page 203) 


infinite satisfaction that I avert my eyes. 

Goldman smiles, "Ye 

1 swallow, give а half-nod, wait ex 
pectantly for some release papers to sign. 
There are none. No time? 

For Goldman is quick. In mere mo- 
ments he has drilled into the back of the 
tooth, poked around. E hear the metallic 
dank of his hook inside the nerve canal, 
feel the shock waves spread through my 
jaw. He preses close. His eyes move 
behind all three sets of lenses like some 
wondrous species of tropical fish. "More 
light!” The Riner light рош» its candle- 
power into my oral cavity and down my 


throat. Goldman could sit inside my 
stomach and read a book. 
Now a burner is lit, now the heated 


agelike, Jean Valentine 


cotton disappear. 
ing unde : of allman is 
heating the hook in the flame. now 


applying, his Tips pressed together in 
imense concentrated. pleasure: "We'll 
steam it in.” his lips allow as he applies 
the heated instrument. "Steam. It. E 


. my mouth. full of cotton, 
the Ritter light beaming at my tooth 
my throat parched, Jean Valentine gazing 
t me adoringly. 

Goldman holding up the mirror. 
Look!" 

lean 

oldman pushes Ihe mirror 

of mc 


Vere only starting. 


1 look quickly 
ly the tooth has lightened up 
Bur it is still not too Late to stop. 


oldman pats me on the shoulder. 
ine, fine.” 
He is beaming, 

omorrow, sime time." 


I nod ves, resolving no, ГИ call back 
later and cancel, 


1 spend a bad 
Turni Feverish. I 

1 dream the woth has crumbled o 
been pulled ош, I wake with a start, I 
fall back to sleep. P swallow the tooth, 
1 drea 
п, Lam slowly 


void mirrors. 


I am standing in front of Gold 


п hing in and bring. 


ing dkerchiel out of my pocket, T 
open the handkerchief. one comer 
time, like the petals of a flower. Goldm: 


oth. lies 
dkerchiel, Goldm 


n the center of the 
ious, he... 


m is fin 


The 
first. The office is deserted. both 
lentine have fresh uniforms 
s many lenses ulate, 
the flowers in the 1 fresh, 
Goldman is swift, In no time, he has 
broken through the temporary filling and 
is at work. I stare dully between Jean 


[ternoon session is much like the 


Goldman 


Valentine and Goldman. Before the light, 
their heads make a silhouette like Archie 
and Veronica sharing a malt. I close my 
eyes, Something is uying to be remem- 
bered, At the end of the session, Goldman. 
beaming, mirror in hand: “Regarde 
Voilà! Were getting there. 


I spend another bad night. 

Then, once more, E am standing before 
the reception desk. Yet another vasclul 
of fresh flowers. Snapdragons. 

Why. why do I keep тегі 
is i? T тар my tongue against the back 
ol my tooth. 

“Tooth, is 


100 bite to stop? 

1 listen. Tooth remains si 
Jean 

at me 


I smile back. 


Valentine s 


s so white it’s ge 
hing. 

Am 1 only imagining things. or is Jean 
Valentine softening in gratitude 10 а n 
within the confines of Goldman's y 
gold walls who does not yell? 

1 look Jean Valentine over. once ag; 
She's not bad, not bad. Maybe there's 
hope. ГИ get another look at her legs when 
she comes out from behind that desk. 

I take а short turn, tight with nervous- 
ness, around the floor, 

Jean Valentine. intu 
hygiene that she is, says. "He won't be 
but a minute.” 

From the side room. the one where he 
keeps his tiny cabinets and trays, where 
there seem to be enough odd pieces of 
silver, gold. porcelain, wisdom teeth, mo- 
Jans and assorted curiosities 10 assemble 
mouth of any description for almost any 
race or species from any period in history 
or prehistory, from this enclave rises а 
low whir. 

Jean Valentine must see a strange fear- 
ful look іп my eyes. perhaps she thinks 
Im going to boli: she says. coufidingly. 
soothingly, “Oh, he's just making some 
jewelry: you know Dr. Goldman, he's 
never happy unless he's doing somet 
with his hands.” 

She is suddenly like a wile indulging 
the idiosyncrasies of hubby. 

“Jewelry? 

“Ies his hobby. He's so talented, He's 
just finishing up a piece 
Jean Valentine sighs w 


ng to take 


ow 


nlly. casting 


year when she caught sight of him passi 
the doorway of Oral H p il. 
Jean Valentine shakes her head and sighs 
wistfully. 


he piece he's working on now. Pure 
gold. And it's not costing him a red cent. 
10% made from the leftover fillings from 
extracted teeth. 

1 pace some more. I look 
Mother of God! Five minutes c 
dental appointment? 

And here is Goldman, one-thinty on 
the nose, in the doorway, beaming, hold- 
ing his hand forth, enter. 

Goldman always geis me onto the 
couch fast. 

Goldman 


my watch 
rly for 


as broken into the root 
the burner lighted amd he 
Valentine have in unison 
shullld cotton imo my weuth like а 
Vegas blackjack dealer. the hook is dank- 
ng when it comes 
to me. 


round in thc c 


іше 
ie taps Goldman, 
“He's making a noise. Di. Goldma 

"What? What is it? Can't you see Em 
busy? 

Goldman looks like a sleepwalker who's 
just stepped in а bucket of cold piss 
“Hes nying to sty something, Dr. 
oldman." 

Goldman looks down at me. “Хо, no 
he’s not! 


1 squawk—raspy. mosaliva squawk. 
Pink-mouth squawk. Lond. 

Jean Valentine vindicned! 

Our eyes meet for a second. Maybe 


with this new one, this 


something 
alentine. 
;oldman di 
then " 
"rs all right. you know it won't hurt. 
Haven't we proved that 
1 squawk again. 
ın Valentine wants to reach lor the 
hooked over my lowers, I can see 
ers twitching, 
man concedes me two c 
and the drain out. 
What 
“Hawthorne.” 
Goldman looking a 
awıhorn 
The Birthmark.” 
"What? 
"You know Hawthorne 
Goldman looking suspiciously thre 


untled. composing 1 
g me on the shoulder. 


"ton packs 


эин the 


зоот. 


all three sets of lenses in succession. Is he 
E ініне out for Haw- 
thorne’s c about l 

“He wrote called The Birth- 
mark. Ws about this dude who's got a 
Tady who in all ways is perfect 


с 


an sighing. Restraining himself. 

ish of the flame, the mirage shim- 

ed air above. 

1 got time for stories —" 

She's perfect in all ways except she's 

got a little birthmark on her cheek.” 
Jean Valentine reaching up and tenu- 

ously touching her cheek. 

e this quick 

Oh, I am, I will, 2 am, Tm a 


most 


YUL 
BRYNNER - 


» A performers 


р ad Жа 4 
UM P 4 
5 ) 

Lauder's is 
the fine Scotch that = 
doesn't cost like 4 
a fine Scotch ME 

Lauder's lets any host 

turn in a great FF 

performance. , 

86 p | по Б 


Authentic Scoien 4 


100% Blended Scotch Whiskies, Imported by Hiram Walker & Sons Inc., Peoria, Illinois. 


PLAYBOY 


С ru 

8 YEAR OLD BOURBON 
| p n i ae Our famous eight- 
ee an! ЛБ ЫН year-old bourbon 
is still made with 
the care and 
patience that went. 
into this famous 
eight: The 1927 
Stutz Speedster. 

You might never 
own the car, but 
you can enjoy the 
bourbon tonight. 


1975 HIRAM WALKER & SONS INC. PEORIA, ILL + STRAIGHT BOURBON WHISKEY > 86 PROOF 


dudc loves her, but he 
So he makes а 
. the birth- 
s its vanishi 


finished. The 
wants her perfect, right? 
elixir and when she dri 
mark vanishes. and just 
her last breath ebbs away 
Valentine nodding, 
on her рамей lips and teeth. 
I can add, “Nothing mortal ік 
perfect. dig?” Goldman packs the cotton 
nd drain back 

"That stull doesn't ha 
make-believe 

Jean Valentine nodding г 


the sal 


Belore 


mouth. 
ppen here. That's 


lo m 


assuringly. 
ing enamel 
ic interested 


nodding that it is only dec 
and the damaged tooth we 
in here. 

Bur Jean Vale 


ine looking warm and 
ad read that in tenth-grade 
* d dove the part where 


the end.” 


comely. 
English. 
she turns p 


es st 
over the light and catch орап of the 
Kodak sand beach, but 1 successfully keep 
them down. 


Au the end of the ses 
draws back. He sh 


8 
reflection, 
front, 


He holds up the п 
hardly eyes do 
There seems to be a lot of white 
all right 


rather 


an says. "one 
more time! We'll make it like mother-of- 
1. like the ivory tusk of a young Ahri- 
an elephant! One last session!” 


For the last session. the office is heavily 


redolent of the orchids on the reception 
desk. aftershave lotion hom Gold 
what I gh ghi be some domestic 
imitition of Chanel No. 5 hom Jean 
tines heated alian self, as 


ic fragrance of starch 
ll combining with var 


her uniform. 
ous pink n 
nervous sweat st 


urliwashies 


nd the odor of 


ing my shirt 


Goldman pets to work. 
Really. Dam quite ill. ташса 
hitheaded. 
Suddenly. 
“There! Voilà” 
Cotton and drain plucked from oral 
cavity. the chalice of pink mouthwash 
proffered, Goldman holding up the n 
vor, the room grows lighter and 


Gold 


am draws 


When 1 open my eyes. I see colors. 
The Kodak. Phyllis Phyllis Golchn 


She is smiling down at me. She is moving, 1 
ver noticed before how much she is 
her fach —her dental-hock- 


blue eyes. the fullness of her round 
cheeks, 


АП right. that tooth is like mother’s milk. 
like the ivory tusk of a youi 
plant. 


COC EAN! ° 


“What do you mean, I don't respect you? Everybody 
knows you're the best piece of ass in Prairie Village.” 


The colors are moving, it's vilis. she T sce Phyllis in the bi 


smiles. it is РУП is in skirt and turtleneck. I will always 
up. see Phyllis in Kodak. I am ^ 
Goldman is gone. у. he reruns Kodiak bikini. 
from his enclave of thousands of tiny Under different cireumst we 
cabinets and spare te might have merrily ravished each other 


Something flashes gold in his hand. without a 

Jean Valenti 
culiar mixture of joy and sadness 

"Oh. Dr Goldman 1 beautiful 
You'd never know [rom looking that it's 
made out of old fillings.” 

Goldman, lips pressed. together. takes 
the drill and inscribes inside the ring. 
"For Phyllis, Love. Dad." slips а Duffer 
onto the drill. gives the ring a quick bur- 
E holds it up to the light. turn. 
slowly in his fingers. 


nd gone our wa 


^s eyes fill with а pe 


mind 
. the folds of his eye 


ased is she in my 


р Ше special 
ngle of his nose and nostrils as һе be 
in, that all 1 can see, even when looking 
direaly at Phyllis. is Goldman. 

I. still. I wait for a lon; 
for some chemistry. some little su 
the DNA coils. 

There is none. 


[i 


rying to dear my head. D stam dis А И 
engaging myself [rom the couch. Б Radney ШОШ 


thro 
Goldman is sm 
on my shoulder. 


sual af voices. 
c heard him 
у dripping with 


Goldman, in the most 
I have never (| 
a voice E 


ling up at me, his hi 


tendemess and honey. yer kied with a [em Valentine ng. Phyllis is 
brace of anxiety. says, “Have vou met my tiling. What te 
daugluer, Phyllis? She just dropped in... — 1 stwy I bener do something. and 
fc ^ quick. but whatz 


e up at the bikini girl in the pic My mouth has goue dry. No words. 


une. Then vilis. 1 am still having Over their heads, 1 see the frosted glass 
trouble loc ıt Û hear my voice fr panel of the door. the gold letters in те 
way. “No, no, I haven't, but I feel like verse: pr. GoLDWAX, pps. Man, it's a long 
Гус known you for years, way oll. 

iles, reaches out for Phyl 1 look at Goldman, I look at Jean V: 


the ring onto her ne. I look Phyllis, Suddenly. I feel 


finger. 

She 
Goldman pats her shoulder 

Tm up out of the couch 
the girl in the Kodak 
fect white smile. 1 assume I am look- 
a perfect bite as well. 

Goldman is looking at us, one to the 
other, bcami 


perfect, 
mother's milk 


white. It is like It is like 
the tusk of a 
phant Ie is 
it would be. 

1 nod, bow slightly and head for the 


door 


ele 


ivory you 


e everythi 


207 


к 
e 


PLAYB 


AMERICA IS GONG BROKE usos 


wonder if things could get much worse. 
The answer is yes. It also makes you won- 
der what the source of the problem is. 

Start with Congressional error. In 1972 
legislation was passed that called for auto- 
matic increases in Social Security benefits 
to reflect changes in the cost of living. 
The basic idea was sound; indexing— 
increasing benefits in accordance with 
the general increase in prices—meant that 
the elderly were no longer dependent on 
Congressional а 

their benefits would reflect the 
the cow of living. Nor should Cong 
fice be overlooked: By voting 
the lawmakers were giv 
guaranteed display of big heart. 
cr would they be able to tell thei 
у voters about their annual 
le 10 put bread on Grandma's table. 
Things ran amuck in the translation 
conception to action, When you 
g the benefit formulas together with 
the consumer price index. you get double 
indexing. Benefits and future costs rise 
even faster than inflation, This happen 
because the increase in current bene 
to existing beneficiaries is fin 
by an incr 
increase in the taxable wage bas 
turn, means that present bene 
creases are financed by increasing the 
promise of future benefits! No one 


ts 
meed not 
ase in the tax rate but by an 


explain how it works; somehow, with 
an entire nation filled with underem- 
ployed consultants, 1 able ex 
xd. assorted lents, the 
te à generosity 
multiplier capable of bankrupting us. 

One way to sce the effects of double 
t portion of your 
Security. benefits. will 
И you're an avers 


dexing is to ask wh 
come Social 


re- 


Social Secwity payments will 

replace 63 cents of each. dollar of your 
“replacement 

ses and 


ase (514,100). 
Double indexing four-percent 
rate of inflation have the long-run effect 
of increasing the replacement rate to as 
much as 161 percent of preretirement in- 
ge worker 
with 95 percent of preretirement income. 
A substantial portion of the popul 
in other words, 


exceeds the tax: 


on the day they retire! 
Americans, working will come to 
а real financial sacrifice—a macho dem- 


onstration of the work ethic. 
kes of this nature are а tradition 
with the Congress, Federal pensions arc 
already overindexed and increase at the 
rate of four percent for every three-per- 
cent increase in the cost of living. While 
this Jacks the subtlety of the Social Secu- 
y method, the effect is the same; some 
ederal workers receive more in 

than they ever carned worki 


Congress with its nevosity 
has created a nei rentiers. 
ated something that might 
anscendental capital. 
endental су is not based on 
buildings, m ny of the other 
able, depreciable stuff employed by 
corporations such as Penn Central or Con 
Ed. Nor is it susceptible to a lack of 
money or desire on the part of consumers, 
who may decide they've bought enough 
from Chrysler or make-up from Avon 
Products. Transcendental capital is sub- 
lime because it creates income from the 
bility to tax rather than from our falter- 
ng ability to produce. 

The superiority of transcendei 
tal is best demonstrated by 
If you were dumb enough to 
in recent years, you got a 
of five percent and saw the purch 
power of your savings demolished. 

If you were a bond buyer, you saw ris- 
ing interest rates depress the market value 
of your cautious investments; Io 
bonds that were sold to yield six percent 
are now discounted far below thei 
chase price. But the income is still 
Stock. buyers now сон 
gered spe is people 
speculating in peanut butter, sa 
old comic books pays L 
While corporate dividend payments. in- 
creased 50 percent over the past de 
from 20 billion dollars to 30 | 
lars, Social Security benefits increased 
more than threefold, from 20 billion dol- 
rs t0 57 billion dollars, and publ 
employee retirement benefits increased. 

1.5 billion dollars to 7.6 billion 
тз. Clearly, the best market to "різу 
the transcendental-c 
the only “wealth” safe from inflation, 
Better yet, it's backed by the U. S. 
and its subsidiary. the Inte 
Service. 

Та 1940. the total value of Social Se- 
curity wealth was only 175 bj 
lars—less than one fifth of the net worth 
of all consumers, measured in owi 


al «арі. 
comparison. 
save money 


sable return 


from 
dol. 


mes lor the elder 
neously put money 
10 stimulate a morbidly depressed 
own to the point that now 


works and on the economy itself, It is 
burden, however, with a growing politi- 


ing record 
y recipients are now the 
» the country. 

Social Security wealih had in- 
hold to 1.4 trillion. dollars, 
while consumer net worth had risen to 
trillion dollars. In the past five years, So- 
Security wealth has grown by another 
to more than 2.4 trillion dollars, 


largest pressur 


By 1969 


the value of real wealth. None of this 
wealth is represented by anything more 
concrete than the future earning power 
it's likely 
that the wealth of the Social Security sys 
tem will surpass the collective real wealth 
of Americans just as it spends the last 
assets of its trust fund. 

There is, unfortunately, no immediate 
cure for the Congress’ love of creating in- 
come v but we will soon sec 
an ellort to eliminate double indexing 

But another problem is insoluble. Since 
both the birth rate 
ber of children being born each year are 
declining, the ratio of people wor 
people retired is going to decline. Bar- 
а sudden return to the threeor-four- 
у, the ratio of retirees to 
workers (called the dependency ratio) i 
from 30 per 100 to 15 per 

п increase of 50 percent, as those 
now entering the job market retire. The 
only way to maintain the flow of prom- 

ome will be to increase the Social 


of today's children. Perversel 


Security with a 
lovemaking, Alas. the problem is more 
complicated than that. Bodies alone 
aren't enough. Those bodies must have 
jobs to produce the necessary taxable in- 
come. In industrial societies, jobs require 
capital. By most estimates, it now takes 
more than $30,000 to buy the machines, 
factory space, materials inventory and re- 
lated equipment necessary 10 support a 
single productive worker. In many indus- 
tries, such as petroleum refining, utilities, 
etc., cach worker is supported by as much 
ау $200,000 of c. pital investment. 
Since the vitality of any 
omy depends on 


1 econ- 


and the forma- 


the growth 
of the Social Security system poses a curi 
tidpating in Soci: 
. you * without accu 
ing real capital: Your payments enable 
the retired to consume and entitle you 
to a future income based on taxing the 
income of the next ger ion. The ill 
sory savings in Social Security occur 
al savings that are put 
П then used by coi 
and others to make the 
new plant, equipment and 
ide employment 
(and products) for a rising population 
What happens if the nation doesn’t save 
enough real money to provide employ- 
ment for the next generation? You can't 
tax an income that doesn't exist. Since 
people perceive Social Security as a sub- 
Мише for person ad will be 
neither indined vor able to save the 
costs of Social Security increase, our real 
gs may be choked off, limiting cco- 
growth and future employment. 
ceman, Chairman of Chica- 
| Bank, contrasted the 


“Hi! Weare provided by management Jor your entertainment until 
your closed-circuit adult TV is repaired." 


209 


PLAYBOY 


210 


savings of the United States and Japan 
at the National Conference on Capital 
Investment and Employment in New York 
last spring: While Japanese families save 
15 to 19 percent of their disposable income, 
Americans save only six to eight percent. 

The difference is what allows Japan to 
grow and achieve a remarkable degree of 
employment security. Japan has litle in 
the way of government-sponsored rei 
ment programs, 

Contrary to the prevailing mythology 
about the dustrial state and the 
power of corporate America, 
savings in the form of retained 
profits the company does not distribute 
to shareholders—are inadequate to sustain 
the rate of economic growth required to 
support the Social Security system. After 
adjusting for inventory valuation (the 
cost of replacing working inventories), 
corporate savings have deteriorated from 
being about equal to personal savings in 
1950 to less than half of personal savings 
in 1973. In that banner year, American 
corporations set aside a piddling 25 billion 
dollars for growth, while individuals and 
families socked away 55 billion! 

Martin Feldstein, a Haryard economist 
who is highly critical of Social Security, 
testified before Congress last spring. His 


new 


corporate 
arnings— 


research indicates—is Freeman's figures 
suygest—that Social Security is a direct 
cause of our dangerously low rate of per- 


sonal savings. He believes that furth 


creases in the tax 


r in- 
will produce an era of 


stagnation and inflation that will make us 
nostalgic for 1975. As might be expected, 
Feldstein's observations are seldom grect- 
ed with enthusiasm. More than a few of 
his professional brethren consider him a 
hair-shirted conservative and would like to 
see him drummed out of Harvard Square. 


Whether Feldstein is liberal or con- 
servittive is irrelevant. While Congress 
debates the distribution uf national 


wealth and income and constantly creates 
new programs that will solve our econom- 
ic problems by a policy of “soaking the 
rich,” it glibly assumes that the supply of 
wealth and income is unending and that 
the machinery of growth and new invest- 
ment is immune to damage or outright 
failure. Rather than join the tiresome de- 
liberations on the distribution problem, 
Feldstein is addressing a more basic and 
crucial issue: Is the burden of Social Se- 
curity crushing our ability to save and to 
create wealth and income? 

The essence of Feldstein's observations 
is a kind of economic catch-22: If we save 
as though we're personally responsible for 
our future, the economy will grow ade- 
quately and Social Security benefits will 
be large enough 1 have made our dili- 
gence and thrift unnecessary: if we stop 
saving, trusting to Social Security. the 
economy will collapse. taking the Social 
Security system with it. 

Ironically, the cn 
the 24-trillion-dollar chain letter id 
Ше Social Security system- 


€ vast structure— 
is 
rests on the 


personal savings for which it is a substitute! 

Is there hope? Although. there is a sub- 
stantial laundry list of practical cures, 
they all require а return to ап unfash- 
ionable enthusiasm for thrift and a kind 
of economic fundamentalism that has 
been absent for nearly half a century. 
Consider, for instance. the political appeal 
of the following possible cures: 

1. Increase the Social Security tax dra- 
matically 

2. Discourage retirement. 

3. Scale down benefits or put a flat ceil- 
ing on future benefits. 

4. Give greater incentives to private sav- 
ings by reducing the taxes on dividends 
and capital gains or deferring 
reinvested dividends. 

While thi 
the probability of seeing anything enacted 
is about as high, say. e Patty 
Hearst will be the Republican nominee 
for President. Economic reality and polit- 
al survival, 
So the answer is, no. there isn't much to 
sustain hope. Looking into the future is 
Congressional strong point 
al Security system is a sacred. ob- 
pking in esteem with reelection 


axes on 


last idea has been proposed, 


s the ch: 


are mutually exclusive. 


Worse, 


ject, т 
па motherhood, Congress lacks both an 
incentive to act and understanding of the 
inner workings of Social Security. But 
we can give it credit for one thing: faith 


in the futurel 


Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined 
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. 


PLAYBOY ADVISOR 


(C) yes. but only if you get the К.Ү jelly 
confused with the superghie 

14. “Wear dark. solid-color suits. Never 
mix stripes with plaids, Make sure your 
socks match your trousers and keep your 
shoes shined. Turn out the light before 
you take olf your Clothes, then go gently 
into that good night. By the time she 
notices anything different (if she notices 
anything beyond her own pleasure), vou 
will have hidden or disposed of most of 
the evidence.” This was the advice. What 
was the problem 

15. Take à deep breath and name that 
tune: What is the longest song title? 

16. According to Н. L. Mencken, how 
many kinds of cocktails can be mixed from 
the ingredients found in most first-class 
bins? 

17. How many cubic centimeters of 
blood are needed to fill the average-size 
penis? (In case you're tempted to look it 
up, the formula for finding the volume of 
a cylinder is V = 2h) (A) 10 cc. (B) 100 
сс. (C) 300 c.c., (D) 750 с.с. 

18. On which finger should you wear 
your class ring? 

19. What living creature has the largest 
penis in relation to its body size? 

20. What do Iyoopodium, silicon and 
French talc have in common? 

21. You are involved in a group activity 
described as а concatenation of erotic 


(continued [rom page 103) 


contact "in which each participant 
simultaneously does to someone else more 
or less what someone ele is doing to him 
or her.” What are you doing? (Hint: It 
is not an obscene conference call.) 
Which of the following groups have 
something in common and why? (A) cups. 
swords. coins and batons. (B) dogs. ducks, 
falcons and stags. (C) lions. elks, masons 
and moose, (D) Commies, pinkos, dykes 
and queers 

23. Racing stripes are used to dis 
tinguish Grand Prix teams from different 
nations. The color that is used for 
the stripes used to be the color of what 
part of the automobile: 

24. What was the lowest sticker price 
ever posted on an American automobile? 

25. What is the average life span of a 
sperm cell? 

26. Plastic covers should be removed 
from record albums, Why? 

27. During the comse of the Chinese 
basket trick. a woman climbs into a basket 
suspended from the ceiling by a block 
and tackle, lowers herself until her geni- 
tals come into contact with her partner's, 
then slowly twists the ropes. What is the 
variation of this technique known as the 
Chinese picnic basket? 

28. Is sterility inherited: 

29. To what did Saint-Amant refer as 
the “gende ў 


now 


30. A Brough Superior is (A) а Cuban 
igar. (B) an 


esoteric 


nglish motorcycle, (C) an 
(D) а Scottish 


sexual position 


31. Is it proper to clean a pipe with a 
combination tool in mixed company? On 
formal occasions 

32. Which of the following games of 
skill did cardsharp Edmond Hoyle not 
write about? (A) poker, (B) whist, (С) 
quadrille. (D) piquet. 

33. You find yourself kising your girl- 
friend's face and breasts while her room 
mate performs oral sex on vou. The 
ménage à trois is marvelous. Obviously. 
von must be doing something right, but 
what exactly аге you doing? (Name the 
technique.) 

34. Where did James Bond buy his 

nettes? 

35. This land is your land: Is it possi- 
ble to homestead in the United States? 

б. Why is rum sometimes known as 
Маошу blood? (Hint: Ihe answer may 
put you off rum for the rest of your life.) 

37. M а cocktail р 
woman discussing her 
something about a double-breasted grope 
suit in English leather. Her companion 
asks ib it would clash with his Brooks 
Brothers hair shirt with the oxford collar 
What is a grope sui 

38. True or false? Vodka is less likely 
than whiskey to give you a hangover 
How long can a man’s cigarette 


ty, you overhear а 


new wardrobe. 


After all, if ange 
a pleasure, why bother? 


PLAYBOY 


“We were thinking, J. W. 


just 


off the top of our heads, of course—why 
not make the stuff addictive?” 


holder be before it is considered affected- 
lookii 

10. "Tell your 
erogenous zone is as vulner 
nest and that you know a 


a jar full of wh: 


boyfriend that one 
ble as the 
ginl who 1 
to be mush- 


ppear 


rooms." This was the advice. What was 
the problem? 

зу quiz, right? we 
did give you the answers in advance. But 
just in case you missed them the first time 


around, here they ате again. IE you didn't 
set any of the questions right. contact 
Bob Guccione for a job givit 
the readers of Penthouse. If you got fewer 
than ten questions right, we know your 
problem, and its nothing that reinar- 
nation won't cure. Ten to twenty right; 
i 10 stop taking PLAYBOY 10 "show 
1 stare that remedialreading 
not bad. 
ay help 
we might give you our 
it is OK to remove the 
1 the pillows apartment, 
өгіс content of sperm is less than 
ol most diet colas and kinky sex 
before marriage is a proof of love.) 
eptember 1970: B. The number of 
threads indicates the weight of the fabric 
used to line the tie—one is lightest, six 
heaviest, We still get letters asking us to 
confirm or deny this information. Ap- 
parently, since we ran our answer, some- 
one has been going around the country 
s and saying, 
"Hey. 1 ber five dollars you 
what the threads in your tie m 
2. November 1973: No, open 
tles with your tongue will not 
your Our 
“Football n 
rows of old tires get better at 


«d tell” 
ss. Twenty to thirty righ 
Thirty plus vight; you don't need 
from us. Forty right 

job. (By the w: 


п you 


skills. 


cunni 


who n 


players 


»ugh 


r h rows of old tires. The 
exercise does little for their broken-field 
212 running (opponents seldom behave like 


rows of old tres). Unless, maybe. they 
happen 10 be the Chicago Bears. 

3. August 1974: The man is engaged. 
in а popcorn surprise, а masturbatory 
technique that is the rage in porno movie 
theaters. Having first cut a hole in Ше 
bottom of a container of. popcorn (la 
with butter). he then camoullages his ere: 
tion i 
parmer to help herself. Hence the phrase 
"Coming sx а the: 

4. A3—We quoted P. T. 
world’s greatest showman, in a July 196: 
response to a leier from a young woman 
whose wwodegged dates were unusually 
aggressive. B5—1n July 1973, we quoted 
Abr ncol in a short esay on 
bondage and discipline. OF conse, we 
admit that the famous Rail Splitter may 
have had some other kind of bonda 
mind, C2—Benjamin Frankli 
young men on older women was 
years before any 1 even h 
Margaret Mead. We repeated. it in 
өжет to an October 1971 letter on the 
same subject. DI— We've. quoted Oscar 
Wilde more often than we іш ther 
sage. The October 1973 letter that elicited 
this reference was from a guy who had 
al 
“cup sizes equaled their g 
they have all been dean’ 
was about to marry but second 
thoughts about future happiness, having 
never experienced a wellendowed part- 
пег. EJ—Octol 1974: Nathaniel Byn- 
ner's quip was repeated 
the pleasures of cu 


invites hi 


the popeorn— 


sonal visit. In the імен 
code of etiquette. a 
e that an 
house call. 

6. September 1967: C. A French letter 
C 


al diplo- 
а would 
mg the 


tam for a condom. I 
French term for the 
capote anglaise, 


terestingly, the 
em is unc 
glish hood.” 

: The pleats of a cum- 
merbund should open up: They form 
pockets lor mad money, hotel-room keys 
nd French letters. 

8. May 1967: А. The Classic Car Club. 


of America says that сой! Continen- 
tals, built as Jate as 1918, should be con- 
sidered classic. (Also acclaimed. аге the 


17 Cadillac limousi Ча few assorted. 


са 


Bentleys. Rolls-Royces and Раса. 
What do they know?) 
9. August 196 A woman is most 


likely 
com 
cowgirl. 

10. June 1975: The c 
п а flying Philadelphia Ги 
Philadelphi е what 
viously an act of fellatio. (When done by 
members of the same family. the incestual 
flying fuck is known as the Whistler’s 
Mother Bicentennial Blow Job.) 

M. January 1969: True. Bird's-nest 
soup is made with genuine swift" nests 
(thoroughly cleaned). The nesis are 
found along the coasts of China and on 
some islands in the Indi 

12. October 1974: Monsieur ZigZag— 
the guy who looks like a Shriner, whose 
picture graces a certain counterculture 
product—was ve. an Algen 
Guited by the French army to 
the Crimean V 


i during i 
when she is on top. Ride ‘em, 


is ob- 


1968: B, No. The Carpe 
baggers aside, there is no medical evidence 
of penis captivus ever "E 
humans. 

14. August 1974 
penis can be a problem. Whenever 1 get 
to the point where sex is possible with 
а girl. she usually takes опе look at my 
club and refuses to join." That was some 
problem. 

15. June 1962: The song with the 
longest title isa 1941 hit: I'm Looking for 
а Guy Who Plays Alto and Baritone and 
Doubles on a Clarinet and Wears a Size 
Thirty-seven Suit. Can we have that à 
from the top? 

16. March 1967: H. L. M 
nd once employed a i 
leulate how many ki 


occ 


"Having 


ls of. cocktails 


ld be fashioned out of the materia 
bibulica ordinar first-class 
bar. The 64,392.73 
Mencken tried 973 


n 


ind found th 
some, of course, were better than others.’ 


dom 


m all good. thou 


17. March 1974: В. Exci 
distention, the av 
more than 100 с.с. 


at maximum 
age penis holds no 
U blood. The avera 


5000 с.с). The formula 
for finding the volume of a cylinder is mis- 

ing: as Alexander Woollcott once re- 
marked, 1 this than meets 


e is less 
арі 
15.24. centi 


inch). the volume would appear to be 
over 300 cubic centimeters. Wrong. You 
forgot to account for the flesh. OF course, 
if you left that volume constant and 
chose as your radius .50 centimeter, you 
would have a cylinder with 
393.29 centimeters 
bug fucker 

18. March 1963: Your class 
the little finger of you and. 

19. р 1970: No. it is not John 
Dillinger or John C. Holmes, nor is it 
Moby Dick: the common houschold flea 
s the largest. penis in relation to body 


20. December 1973: Lycopodium, sili- 
con and French tale are the powders used 
to lubricate Obviou the 
lubricant should be changed after every 
10.000 inches. 

21. July 1973: The activity is known as 
а daisy dhain—usually l almost 
always circular, it i ally repre- 
sented as the figure 696969696969696969. 

22. November 1966: А and B. Cups. 
swords, coins and batons, and dogs. ducks. 
falcons and stags have something in com- 
mon. They are, respectively. the Spanish / 
ian precursors of hearts, 


condoms. 


nd spades—the markings 
on cards. If lions, elks, masons and moose 


have anything in common with Commies, 
pinkos, dykes and queers, you know some- 
thing th 

23. May 1965 
you don't! The c 
and int 


Now you хес it, now 
sis was visible on early 
rational teams used 
id 


1 str 


w mining was i 
the chassis disappeared fro 
d the color 
stripes and the vim 

24. July 1962: The lowest 
ever posted on an American 
was the i on the 1923 
times the pric 
The a 
m cell is 94 10 48 hours. Short, 
perhaps. but it has a lot of Iun. 

. July 1973: Plastic covers should be 
removed because they cam shrink and 
cause the records to warp. 

vbruary 1974: In ihe СІ 
isket trick, you throw a block and 
мо а basket, drive to the country, 
set up the rig on а suitable tree and go to 
it. Under the sprendi t blonde 
the village smithy lay. 

28. June 1973 
No. unless “the di 
immaculate conception. 

29, July 1973: Brie cheese is the gentle 
jam of Bacchus. 

30. September 1967; В. A Brough Supe 
rior is an English motorcycle. Called the 
Rolls-Royce of two-wheelers, 400 of the 
handmade bikes were produced between 
J. Lawrence of А bia owned 
lcd viding one 


troduced, 


as transferred to th 


price 
automobile 
ord Model 


of the у 


ese- 


у inherited? 
product of 


1965 


December Decidedly not. 


poker. ae 
subsequent books of the kind. 


Charles 
Goren wrote the Hoyle used by you and 
your poker cronies. 


33. January 1975: You won't find it in 
Hoyle. The arrangement in which a man 
is kissed by one woman while anoth 
Tellates him is known as the queen of 
hearts. The man has the sense of making 
love to а two-headed Lady. We should be 
so lucky 

34. September 19 
quired his cigareuc 
Balkan and Turkish tob: 
© Co., 83 Grosvenor Street, 


James Bond ac- 
special blend of 
os 


from Mor- 
London 


ind 
WL 
3 


«May 1973: Techni 
10 homestca 


ез. Unfortun 


Hy, it is scil 
y of the 50 
agricultural | 
1 the public do has virtually dis- 
appeared. Alaska has some land 
but you'd have a hard timc findiug it. 

36. September 1970: Admiral Nelson's 
body was shipped home in a cask of rum. 
Thirsty sailors tapped the cask lor a drink 
of rum laced with Nelson’s blood. Hence 
the name. 


le, 


st ad 


gust 1975: A grope suit is a piece 
of exotic attire that is supposed to dri 
women wild: it consists of textured. cups 
over the nipples and а string with 
small vibrator or vaginal plug. To our 
knowledge. the grope suit is still not 
available right off the rack. 

38. April 1974: True. Vodka is les 
likely than whiskey to give you a ha 
over, because it has fewer congeners— 
those demon molecules that form when 
cohol is stored in wooden barrels and 
that are the pri use of acute mem- 
brane outrage. 

39. August 

40. 


inches, 


«Пу four 
197: Our 
directed to а young girl whose boyfriend 
had looked at her in astonishment and 
asked. "You mean you still have both of 
your nipples?" He told her % 
pples are of man in the 
heat of passion and that one person he 
knew had а whole jarful. “They looked 
like dried apricots.” Either this letter was 
a puton or there are people out there 


Decembe lvice was 


ta won 


removed by 


who are a whole lot weirder than we 


thought. 


Up yours. 


213 


PLAYBOY 


SPORTING LIFE ыо pe 110) 


k down here 
ant contact 
stewardesses 


speaks Spanish but in a w 
has vet to make any signifi 
except with some Braniff 
who speak fluent English. 

J stretch out along the gunwale 
uying to convince myself that I ат re- 
Jaxed. though fear comes in surges. Theyll 
never get the engine started and well drift 
to Australia, missing the Galápagos in the 
night by a helpless few miles, I can't 
even sce bmd, We don't have any water, 
which anyway is undrinkable hereabout. 
Y lot of foul-tasting Chilean soda pop. 
One of the two mates hands me a. plate 
of fresh pineapple in а shrugging fit. It 
іре. cool and delicious. Feed the fear- 
ar, Û toss a chunk at three passing 
kes that look terribly yellow in 
the blue water 
cobra and extremely venomous though 
not very aggressive. They scatter, then 
опе swirls around to check out the | 
apple. Гус been assured that they never 
bother anyone but the wretchedly poor 
Peruvian fishermen who deep jig Пот 
cork rafts. Good ole swimming hole. 
Sharks. Кез. Even whales. Olten in 
nature you get the deep feeling you don't 
belong. This is especially true of the 
Pacific and the Serengeti Plain. 

Hours pass and they 
with the engine. 1 gl 
regret nor knowing anything 
Ihe day before, the engine had quit 
while I was fighting a striped marl 
is a dificult and exhausting job from 
a dead boat. especially after the spec 
tacular jumps are over and the fish bull- 
dogs. You слил follow the marlin on his 
long runs. You have 10 pump him back. 
And I had hooked the fish out of vanity 
on 20-pound test. It took over two hours 
in the 9-degree sun and I felt murder- 
ous, Now 1 was pretending the boat had 
a marine radio, which | knew it didn't. 

But it had been a fine week's fishing 
so fai failed ıo catch a 
striped martin on a fly rod, something that 
had been done only twice before. My 
friend h hin 40 
feet of the boat with a casting 
rubber squid. When my streamer Пу hi 
the water the marlin rose up and slashed 
with his bill, then took it firmly in the 
corner of his mouth. | was thin 
numbly about how beautifully blue his 
body was and how from the side his eye 
ppeared to be staring at us. Perhaps 
it was. But it lasted only a few seconds 
while he twisted his head and sped off in 
a flume of water. The leader popped. It 
was like fyfishing lor Dick Butkus or 
Harley-Davidson, I thought while trying 
ight, We had 
heen getting a lot of sleep, having been 
warned by the hotel mı of the 
aker problem in the local 


They are related to the 


id teased lin to wi 


10 sleep on a sunburn that 


endemic sha 
villa 
You h 


k 


ive a great deal of time to thi 


214 between fish, and you wonder why you 


are never bored. A friend, the novelist 
Tom McGuane, has fished for months in 
a row in the Keys, particulaly when he 
was learning salt-water fly casting. When 
I was leaming hom him there were 
moments of doubt until 1 had my first 
big Before that I had 
been quite pleased with а two-pound 
rainbow. And still am. though the true 
maniac deserves а tn pon. Such sport is 
a succession оГ brutally electric moments 
spaced widely apart. Someone with Me 
Guanes qu gy level quite 
naturally applies the same effort to 
fishing. 

T here is doubtless the edge of the luna- 
tic here. In Ecuador the crew was enor- 
mously alarmed when my nt 
overboard to get underwater photos of a 
fighting marlin. Billfish have been 
10 charge а boat out of generalized ire. 1 
was supposed to control the fish. 1 was 
sure my stomach wall would burst and 
spill its contents—an even quart of 
Айе}о. But dangers in nature are vastly 
overrated. though while backpacking 1 
tend to think of grizzlies as 700-pound 
Dobermans that don't respond to voice 
commands. In Africa you are more likely 
to get bitten by а snake than attacked by 
a mammal. Comforting thought, 


tui 


ТЕ 


There are unquestioned flops. We try 
10 see the brighter side of our flops, teli- 
g ourselves we haven't wasted our time. 
re dolis if we aren't comfortable 
in a world outside our immed 
A sports bore is fa 

шай or Gaboon viper. A 
true N.EL. freak can make a more casual 
fan pine lor opera. A real quadra or 
stereo bull makes you want that Victrola 
the big white dog was listening to. 

One of the reasons 1 wanted to go to 
Russia was to scout the possibility of an 
extended wip for fishing and hunting. 
How splendid to shoot grouse where Ivan 
Turgenev had hunted, and I had heard 
that there was good steelhead and salmon 
fishing on the Pacific coast of Siberia. 
AS а poet I have a tendency to imagine 
conditions and pleasures without prece 
dent on earth, When fishing is bad. you 
can’t tell bat that just around the next 
green island there might be a nude fash- 
ion model sitting in a mohair chair on 
the water. 

When I reached Russia my ideas seemed 
dearly impossible except for an important 
official visitor or on an established tour 
loathsome prospect. Red tape is a euphe- 
mism. And my first morning їп Moscow 
had been encouraging. watching old men 
fish the broad Moskva River, which runs 
through the middle of the capital. They 
re siting on an embankment below 


с pre- 


more 


w 


the faded red walls of the Kremlin. the 
mid-October sun catching the gold of 
the minarets as a backdrop. But 1 never 


saw anyone catch a fish, just as I had 


gazed at other fishless afternoons оп the 
Seine in Paris. It is enough to have a 
river in a cit 

Alter several days of badgering I man- 
aged to get to a horse race. but the 
weather had turned bid and the horses 
all but passed invisibly in what must be 
called а howling blizzard. The tote board 
said that Iron Beauty beat out Good Hoe, 
our plump female guide translated. Her 
pleasure was to wander aimlessly in great 
halls filled with the machinery of progress. 
H's hard to explain t0 someone so ada- 

mly political that you sce enough 
progress at home, and that to you progress 
means motors that quit rather captiously 
far out 1 


n. Or the shotgun tha 
good chance 
double in grouse. No matter that it is 
first time in your life that a shotgun 
misfires. Jt bruishly picks the wror 
time. 


the occa 


misfives when you have 


ant in Leningrad, where 
is and there are 
pleasures. I found a sporting-goods store 
on the Nevsky Prospekt where the clerks 
were allable. An electrical engineer I met 
there joined me for a number of di 
and explained that fishing in Siberia 
would be dillicult. Permissions were nec 
essary. Bird hunting would be dithcult 
but not impossible. Since I find even mild 
theater queues а torment, I checked Rus- 
ма off my list. Dt was sad, as I had visions 
of sitting at the edge of a swale taki 
break from grouse with a chilled boule 
of Stolichnaya, some blinis on which I 
would spread. larg unis of Beluga 
caviar, rolling them up like m 
tacos. 


iraculous. 


Outdoor sport has proved. fatally sus 
ceptible to vulgarization based mostly on 
our acquisitiveness. Fishing becomes the 
icchanies of acquiring fish, bird hunting 
process of “bagging a limit.” Most 
sportsmen have become mad Germans 
with Closets [ull of arcane death equip 
mem. To some an ultimate sport would 
be chasing a coyote with a 650-cc. snow 
mobile and au M-16. And some have 
found that baseball bats work as well. as 
а coyote can't run more th 20 n 
and а snowmobile has a superior range 
You suspect that the further hunting 
ad fishing set away from our ancient 
heritage of hunting and gathering the bet 
And I don't mean the native Amer- 
as, the Indians, who had the mother 
10 understand that “the pred 
sbands his prey." Hunger causes 
the purest form « but 


iles 


acquisitiveness 
our tradition always overstepped hunger 


o the fields of hoarding and unmiti- 
ned slaughter. ‘The saddest book printed 
ter Matthiessen’s Wildlife 
re the diminishing and 


NOUN time js 


in America, wh 
disappe 
nutely ti 
y. Spar 


those obscene photos of 


v mi 


rance of many species à 
1 and gan 
magazines still publish 


iced to our 


gre 


iles of trout, 


"Why so quiet tonight, my darling?" 


PLAYBOY 


215 given up duckhunting а 


though there does sc 
the ай. The dolt who stands before the 
100 crows he shot, smiling, should be 
forced at gunpoint to eat them, feathers, 
beaks, feet and offal. The excuse is that 
Crows cat duck eggs, as if crows were 
supposed to abandon a 1,000,000 year 
food source for some clown who has taken 
Saturday morning off for a duck hunt. 

Any sense of refinement seeps slowly 
into the mind of the sportsman and 
every advance made to improve the ethics 
of sport by organizations such as Trout 
Unlimited or the Grouse Society is 
countered by thousands of examples of 
boobery. murder and exploitation. Each 
state has a professional natural-resource 
stall. but so often its ellorts are countered 
by what are called the beer-bottle biolo- 
ists in the legislature who think of 
hunting and fishing as some sort of patri- 
otic birthright, something they know in- 
timately by osmosis, You see the same 
thing out West with townspeople who've 
never been on a horse assuming they 
re all-knowing because they are 
Westerners. 


to be a change in 


I know a plain of about 500 acres near 
the Manistee River. We often begin a 
day's hunt there and my image of grouse 
and woodcock shooting is inexwicably tied 
up with this great flac pasture cut. near 
the river by a halbdozen gullies choked 
with thom-apple and cedar trees. On our 
Jong walk to the grouse cover near the river 
we hunt a small marsh that invariably 
yields a few woodcock and snipe. You are 
lucky if you connect with one shot out of 
five. It isalways early in the morning: cold, 
often wet, with the shotgun barrels icy to 
the fingers. The same location means noth- 
ing to me in the summer before the frost 
has muted the boring greenness. 

Part of the pleasure of bird hunting is 
that it comes alter the torpor of summer: 
beaches, the continuous sound of motor- 
boats, the bleached air of August, a 
tendency to go 10 too many parties and 
to experiment with drinks an 
bourbon addict finds abominable 
winter. (A drink of my own dev 
call he Hunter Thompson Special: T 
juice left over from four stewed figs, add 
ground lime rind, a jigger of bitters, 
cight ounces of cheap tequil 
of hash, powder from three De 
Spansules and a cherry bomb for deco 
tion in an iced mug, stir vigorously with 
either end of a cuc stick. This is the only 
aphrodisiac I know of. It will 
1s and give you an interior suntan.) 
And there is the color, the hardwoods 
juices into the ground be- 
fore the horror of a Michigan winter. This 
ing transformation of leaves creat 
t would look vulgar on a woman. 
They look good on trees and with the first 
ys of autumn you find yourself 
hunting grouse and woodcock. You have 
too sedenta 


honest 
in the 


а, о 


Iso remove 


sinking the 


Besides you have to get up at dawn, while 
midmorning is plenty carly for grouse. So 
you walk around in the woods for a month 
and a half. Unfortunately, the steel- 
head fishing is good during the same 
period, but you can't afford to divide 
your attention. Surely it is a dreamworld: 
the nearly thundering flush and the al- 
ways difficult shot. Grouse are very fast 
nd the cover is heavy. If your shooting 
isn't trained as a gut reaction you simply 
miss, and when you miss a grouse you 
lose a very good meal I suppose 1 es- 
pecially value this form of shooting be- 
cause 1 Jost an eye in an accident and it 
has taken me years to reach even average 
competence, 


The symptoms of all the vaunted 
instabilities of artists tend to occur in 


nterim periods. It is the mental exhaus- 


hed a work and 


tion of having just fi 
the even more exhausting time of waiting 
for another set of ideas to take shape. 
Poetry and the literary novel are a des- 
perate profession nowadays—they prob- 
ably always were—and аһу satisfying 
release seems to be desperately energetic. 
You tend to look for something ay in- 
tricately demanding as your calling so you 
сап forget yourself and let it rest. 
Fly-fshing for trout offers an ideal 
match of the exacting and the a 
pleasant: to sit by a stream during the 
evening hatch and watch what trout are 
feeding on, then to draw from the hun- 
dreds of variations in your Пу boxes a 
close approximation and catch a few trout. 
Ivs casily the most hypnotic of the outdoor 
sports. Once we began fishing the middle 
branch of the Ontonagon at dawn. 1 was 
humbly depressed from having finished 
my second book of poems and had been 
sleepwalking and drinking for weeks My 
friend, who is equally maniacal and has 
no pain threshold that is noticeable, in- 
sisted we cat a pound of bacon, refried 
beans and a dozen cggs for strength. We 
fished nonstop then from. dawn to 
at ten in the evening. It was a fine day, 
cool with 
enough breeze to 


esthetically 


intern 


mosqui 
an ching and releasing 
а halfdozen good brook trout from a 
pool where a small creek entered the 
river. We saw deer and many conical 
iles of. bearshit that gave us pause, but 
then, our local bears are harmless We 
watched the rare and overwhelming sight 
ol two adult bald eagles flying down the 
ver course just above our heads, shriek- 
ing that we didn’t belong there. 

To perhaps lessen the purity of the 
I admit that at nightlall we drove 100 
miles to а whorchouse across the Wi: 
consin border. The next night a loc: 
bumpkin of the Deliverance sort 
n ax around at the edge of our 

e warning us not to steal any of his 
logs. We felt at ease— than a bow 
and arrows we had a 


ү. I remember са 


This is a peculiarity of trout fishing— 
you can lose yourself completely for da 
at a time. If you feel your interest in 
women and the notso-ordina 
ties of sex waning, try getting on 
and spending a week or two fishing up in 
the Absaroka Mountains of Mont 
There are no women up there. Not even 
a little опе, When you get back down to 
Livingston the most resolute dog looks 
good unless she actually begins to bark. 
A barroom tart invariably reminds you 
of the Queen of Sheba or Lauren Hutton. 
Unless you're careful you can manage to 
get into a lot of pointless trouble. Of 
course, the same conditions can be im- 
ited by going off to war, but it's not as 
much fun. 


There is something about game that 
resists the homogencity of taste found in 
even the best of our restaurants, A few 
yems back, when we were quite poor, 
lower class by all the charts, we had a 
game dinner at our house. There were 
about 12 people contributing [ood and 
with a check for a long poem I bought 
two cases of a white Bordeaux. We ate, 
fixed in a number of ways, venison, duck, 


s of wine. I doubt 
you could buy the meal anywhere on 
canh. 

The French, howeve marvelous at 
ame cookery. Two years ago 1 spent a 
week up in Normandy covering a stag- 
hunt at the invitation of a friend, Guy 
de la Valdene. His family has а chäteau 
near Saint-Georges and a breeding 
for race horses. You do not go to Russia to 
cat and I had just returned from a hungry 
шір to Moscow and Leningrad. Other 
than the notion that staghunting seemed 
10 me the pinnacle of stylishness in mam- 
mal hunting, the memorable part of the 
week was the eating, a vulgar word for 
what took place nightly in a local auberge- 
Despite my humble background, I found 
1 enjoyed saddle of wild boar or a '28 
Anjou with fresh pitê de foie gras in 
abs, trout h wullles, côtelettes 
of loin from a small forest deer called a 
chevreuil, pheasant baked under clay 
with wild mushrooms. It all reminded 
me of the bust of Ba t the 
Metropol 
in his immense, 
endary interest in food and wine. But 
on makes sense only to those to 
uch food is continuously availıbl 
The staghunt itself began after dawn 
and the animal was brought to bav by 
the hounds at twilight, when the master 
of the bunt dispatched the stag with a 

ver dagger after the manner of some 
six centuries. All day we had been sipping 
ch rgaux straight from the boule 
and not feeling even vaguely boorish. 


iced wi 


s 


After reading about African hunting 
for 20 years it took a trip to Kenya and 


me permanently of any 
notion that I might hunt there. except. 
for duck and grouse. And it’s not that a 
t deal of the hunting there by out 


simply that my time there 
resemble igious rather tl 
experience, In the Serengeti you get 
cerie conviction of what the Ameri 
West was like before we got off the bos 
Perhaps 1 could have hunted there in the 
Twenties before it became 


app: ab world was 
shrinking ect proportion to our in- 
sults against it: almost as if this world 


were а great beast itself and it had so 
demonstrably passed the mid-point of its 
life and needed the most extreme and 
intense сате not to further accelerate its 
doom. 

The problems of East Africa have been 
talked about ized to the satura- 
tion point. wl 1 the least 
slowed the unnatural predation of new 
farms, overgrazin, aching for sk 


i we cm expect n 
populations that smarted under colon 
zation to main parks for we 
Westerners, how benefici 
1 came to the point rather early when 
I realized I was n h interested 
shooting mammals, This does not mean 
1 disapprove of others’ doing so. Maybe 
it’s my syu ess over gutting and 
cleaning a larg though ] suspect 
my qualms would disappear if I needed 
the animal to feed my family. And decr 
hunt s d to bird hunting is 
difficult to do cleanly. We mammals are 
nore sturdy than we assume. While a 
single pellet can bring a grouse tumbling 
down, both man and deer can aawl on 
for hours after Claymore Mines, 357s, 
ah ed rifle shots, 
When they were butchering it took seven 
unlucky shots for my neighbors to br 
ir Holstein cow 
sgiving Day during deer 
rd loud ble then 


If-dozen badly pl 


hors 
> frantic and stared in the direction 
of the wood lot like pointing dogs. ‘The 
bleating: was from a deer dragging itsell 
through the snow by йз forelegs. The 


deer had been wounded in the spine and 
ı hind leg had been shot nearly off. barely 
hanging by a tendon. A large collie had 


been harrying the deer and had torn 
much of its ass off. It was red like a 
baboon's. The game warden came and 
put it away. The deer was a young buck 
and Jacked legal horns. Someone had shot 
it, then discovered the lack, Belore the 
game warden dispatched it the deer, in 


deep shock, stared at us, seemingly well 
past caring, some kind of rur 
that had fallen victim to our 

It is finally a mystery what keeps you 
so profoundly interested over so many 
years, The sum is far more than simply 
adding those separate parts. In the restoi 
tive quality there is the idea thar 
humans we get our power from 
beauty we love most, And the sheer 
remittent physicality make: 
a while those fuzzy interior quarrels your 
head is addicted to, sitting as it does on 
the top of a Western man. It is also the 
degree of difficulty: хо outwit a good 
brown wout with a lure Jess than the size 
and weight of a housefly or mosquito. to 
and release а 100-pound tarpon on 
12-pound-test leader, to hit a grouse 
that dong shot between the poplar 
s. It could be very sporting to hunt 
lion if you had the balls 10 do it like the 
with a spear. 

The beauty and sensuousness of the 
natural world is so direct amd open you 
п forget it: the tactility of standing in 
the river in your waders with the rush of 
water around your legs, whether deep in 
swamp in Michigan or in Mon- 
tana, where you have the mountains to 
look at when the fishing is slow. With 
all of the senses at full. play 1 the 
delicious absence of thought, each oc 
casion recalls others in the past. Lt is a 


8 


the 
un- 


continuous present. You began at seven 
rowing your father around the lake at 
night, hearing in the dark the whir of 
his reel as he cast for bass, the crcak and. 
dip of the oars and the whine of clouds 
of mosquitoes around your head. You 
might have been lucky enough to hear a 
loon, surely the most unusual birdcall 
on earth, see heat li i Ihouette the 
tips of the white pines and bitch. 

You think of this 30 years later in 
Anconcito. a small, shabby village on the 
coast of Ecuador. You're taking the day 
off from fishing with heat weakness, verti- 
go. sore hands and the fear of death that 
being sick in a foreign country brings. 
You are sitting on a cliff next to a pile 
of refuse and a small goat. The goat is 
pure black and when it stumbles closer 
you see that it cit be more than a few 
days old. The goat nuzzdes you. Not 30 
feet away a very large vulture sits and 


stares at you both. You stare back, idly 
tening to the Latin music from the 


hed café in the background. A piglet 
scurries by. You, the goat and the vulture 
watch the piglet and the goat tikes chase. 
Far below you. so far that they are toys. 
c fishing boats in the harbor 
d anciently by sail. It is the hottest 
day you can remember. Beyond the 
harbor is all the vast, cool, decp-bluc 
plenitude of the Pacific. 


“T find you guilty, young man. And don't 
let me hear of you running off appealing this decision 
to a higher court, like some spoiled child." 


217 


218 


PLAYBOY POTPOURRI 


‚people, places, objects and events of interest or amusement 


SOMETHING TO 
JAW ABOUT 

Н you've seen or read 
Jaws (and by now, who 
hasn't?), you know for 
sure that sharks aren't 
exactly the kind of pet 
you'd like to snuggle 
up with. But all this fish 
slander hasn't stopped an 
outfit called Esther Miller 
tions (36-46 33rd 
Street, Long Island City, 
New York) from putting 
out a stuffed shark doll, a 
Teddy bear version of 
the Great White himself. 
And, like the real article, 
it comes in various sizes— 
from a 21” baby shark 
for $7 (induding postage) 
to a 54” model (at left) 
for $60, to a nasty 12° 
leviathan size for $750. 
"They re great for kids 
who like to be shocked 
into cardiac arrest. 


SON OF FARMER'S DAUGHTER 
Remember the one about the man who, after his wife fed him dog food, 
suffered a broken neck while trying to lick his balls? That fine old 
chestnut and some 1999 more—selected from, the publisher tells us, 
60,000 variants—resurface in No Laughing Matter, the second and final 


volume in С. Legman's analysis of sexual humor collectively titled 
Rationale of the Dirty Joke (Breaking Point, Inc., P. O. Box 328, Wharton, 
New Jersey 07885, $18). Interspersed with the jokes—which are divided 
into such categories as Cannibalism, Orgies and Exhibitions and 
Caswations—are a tribute to Rachel Carson's Silent Spring and а 

diatribe against the practice of circumcision. Real yoks, those. 


HEAVY STAR 
All you superpatriots out there will 
undoubtedly want to do more to celebrate 
our Bicentennial than wave a ten-cent 
flag and cry whoopee. So in honor of free 
enterprise, why not buy an 8” high, 
blue (what else?) 
concrete / ar from Happy Birthday 
America, P. O. Box 1776, Worthington, 
Ohio, for only $3000? When 1976 is over, 
it will make a terrific jungle gym 


BOX LAUNCH 
Although most folks will see them as 
nice bits of wild West memorabilia, they 
would make great beer coolers, too. 
We're talking about the collection of 19th 
Century expresscompany strongboxes 
that Western Americana, 192 Central 
Avenue, Stirling, New Jersey, is selling 
for $195 each or two for $350—and the 
second one can be an unopened chest, 
possibly full of loot. A dynamite offer. 


AMERICA, THE BREWFUL 

This is the target year for Maurice Coja, 
owner of the Brickskeller Saloon, at 1523 
22nd St. N.W., Washington, D.C. In honor of 
the Bicentennial, he was trying to stock every 
beer, ale and malt liquor brewed in the United 

States. And when last we checked, he did have 
over 300 native brands, plus a huge inventory 
of foreign numbers (and, as it happens, a well- 
stocked game room). All beer nuts ought to 
check it out—and the food's not bad, either. 


FLASH FLOOD 
You say you can't remember whether the gooey clay people in Flash 
Gordon were friend or foe? Well, Maljack Productions, P. О. Box 
153, Tinley Park, Illinois, stocks a complete 16mm library of 
Flash's adventures for rental (no commercial use, please) 
a лу of prices. (Most rentals per chapter—12 to 15 in a 
s—go for 520 a day; a condensed complete feature rents 
for about 550.) And if those don't do it, Maljack has Buck 


Rogers, too. Watch him battle Killer Kane and the Zugg men. 


HAIL, COLOMBIA 


Now, mind you, we're not guar- 


anıceing that your doubles 
partner will be Juan Valdez, 


but we know he hangs out ncar 


Medellin, Colombiz 
along with historic Cali, 
forms the destination for 

the eight-day, seven-night 
South American tennis vaca- 
tions being offered for $215, 
plus air fare, by Andes Tours, 
85-06 Roosevelt Avenue, Jack- 
son Heights, New York. You'll 
be staying—and playing—at 
exclusive country clubs, And 
if you choose Cali, reputedly 
home of the most beautiful 
women in South America, you 
get Bogotá thrown in free, 


which, 


QUICK, WATSON, 

THE CLOAK 

As anyone who hasn't spent 

the past six months in a 

steamer trunk knows, there’s 

a Sherlock Holmes revival 

going on. Holmes books, 

busts and tobacco are all 

le. But what about 

cloaks? Now you can 

get them, too, by writing 

to Carol Brown, a je old 

lady in Putney, Vermont, 

who custom-makes them 

for $175 and up— induding 

your choice of tweeds and 

detachable cape. After 

all, a Holmes fan without 

a cloak is like an electric 

fan without the blades. 


DATED SEX 
Listen, swinger, we think you owe it to posterity 
to keep a diary of your sexual escapades. And 
the best place we know of to record them is 
the 1976 International Sex Maniac's Diary, 
which is available from Grove Press, 53 E. 11th 
Street, New York, for $8.50 postpaid for the 
desk size and $4.50 for the pocket model. Both 
volumes contain sexual info on such things as 
pickup bars. And if that doesn’t get you going, 
it's also copiously illustrated. 


219 


PLAYBOY 


at the local oidi s of the day 
bore such forbidding names as Kill I 
Rate Skull, Whistle Belly Veng 
Coo-Woo and Ipswich Switchell, 

says something about the Colonial sense 
of humor—and even more about th 
quality of native firewater 


The most popular Colonial quaft wa 
the flip. consisting of strong beer or cide 
rum. brown sugar. spices from the West 
Indies, maybe a smidgen of dried pump- 
and, frequently, a lacing of c ind 
eggs. When tossed back and forth between 
arge pewter mugs, the mixture took on a 
smooth -One Yard of 
Flannel, 10 was food as well as drink, and. 
if you took enough on board. it was 
warm wrap for the night. 

The Iatchstring, was always out on the 
frontier. Strangers enjoyed the right to 
пу door, мапи the 
h and chugalug from the cider 
A cert Robert 
the history of Virgi 
iubabitants 


nter 


uselves at the 


jug 
Bev 


rved, The 


but the being human 
so. at holiday time. th 
normally genero 157 exceeded 
themselves. Ham. bacon and sausage tum- 
bled out of smokehouses: the land yielded 
game and fish; sideboards groaned under 
joints of beef, wild turkey, suckling pig. 
pies, hot breads. fruitcakes and steamed 
pudding 

There was an equally lavish flow of 


inhabit 


the comfortable waters. Madeira was е 
teemed, Can: 1 French wines 
were supplemented by local ferments and 
brews. For serious celebrants, there were 
applejuck, peach brandy and spice 
brandy—tlavored with Пий and bery 
Icaves— French brandy, whiskey 


(mostly rye). Parfait Amour and v 
homemade cordials and 
Пай or 
use, there was rum— 
the prime Colonial potable, Rum wi 
currency and commerce. Rum was medi- 
cine, solacing the sick and sustaining the 
healthy. It's likely that rum altered the 
course of American history. Paul Revere 
embarked on his epic jaunt to alert Samu- 
el Adams and John Hancock. so they could 
пес impending arrest. En route, the young 
silversmith stopped at the home of Isiac 
Hall. cap the Medford Minute 

prictor of a vum distillery. After 
[ rest. and several stirrup cups of 
best old Medford rum, 
came а silent horse 
and vocifera 
defiance 
Above all, 
¢ for elegant Поне 


ious 


queurs 
made with а it-covdial 


base). And, of x 


he who 
1a virile 
s cusider. with a ay of 


s hospitality—the 
ау eggnogs, tom and 
jerries and such venerable potions as the 
Fish House Punch. ‘This last concoction 
was born in an exclusive club for gentle 
glers, improbably named ‘The 
220 Schuylkill Fishing Company of the State 


SEE DE 1 Mm 


in Schuylkill. The dub was 
corporates 
1 Pennsyl 
the laws of the colony. 
century. Fish ch was known 
only to Ше limited membership of the 
Schuylkill Fishing Company and such di 
inguished guests as George Washi 
ul the Marquis de Lafayette. So 
ound 1900. the members conse 
ler the recipe go public, You си 
drink in a proper historic 
Fraunces Tavern, the scene of Washing- 
ton’s Farewell Address t his ollicers—or 
you Gin make it at home. Recipes for the 
Fish House Punch and other 
spirits of 1776 are given below. Enjoy 
them. Ht was a very good y 


actually in 
adent entity with- 
not subject to 
r more than 


House 


FRAUNCES 
ris 


TAVERN ORI 
DUSE PUNC 


This is a porent brew. Do ı 
it with your typical weddi 
punch. 
1 cup sug 
1 fifth cold water 
1 fifth lemon juice 
1 fifth cognac 


114 fifths Puerto Rican rum (golden) 

y4 filth J a rum 

14 pint реасінілуогей brandy (or peach 
cordial) 


€ boule dub soda, chilled 

Stir sugar with water to dissolve, Add 
all other ingredients except club soda 
rehigerator to chill and mellow 
several hours or overnight. When 
ready to serve, pour over black of ice in 
large punch bowl At the last moment 
add dub soda and stir once. Serve in 
punch cups. 

Note: Although E 
20-25 drinks f 
should easily yield twice that numbe 
com stituting t 
d adding 12 cup grenad 


aces Tavern sug- 
om this 


gests 


der su 


FRAUNCES TAVERN 
ЕП 


lem 
34 oz. cognac 

Í oz. Puerto Rican rum 

Yj 02. Jam; 

1 teaspoon peach-favored brandy 

Slice of lemon, lime or orange 

Shake energetically with cracked ісе 
to chill well. Strain into. cocktail glass. 
Garnish with slice of lemon, lime or 


ge- 


PAUL REVERE S TRIP 

iade history with tv 
uccording to Ате 
5. Field 

m 


drink chronich 

2 ozs. Puerto Rican ı 
14, teaspoon brown st 
Î tablespoon lime juice 
1 oz. pineapple juice, о 
Lemon ресі 


10 taste. 


Blend 
sure suj 
w 


t four ing; 
ar is dissolved. 


wis well, making 
Fill highball glass 
hice and rum mixture. Top with extra 
reapple juice, if de 
ate glass with long spi 


cup sugar. peel of 1 lemon (yellow part 
only). 6 allspice berries, 3 doves and thin 
slice of fresh ginger. Cover tightly and let 
sand 2 or in into boule or 
other dosed con 

To make toddy: Pour 1 oz. spiced mix 
мо preheated mug. Add 3 or 4 ozs 
water. wedge of cored. unpeeled 
apple and 14 slice of orange 


GOVERNOR BERKELEY'S CLARET CUP 


From Beverages and Sauces of Colonial 
Virginia. 
I bottle claret or other dry red wine 


water 


no lique 
ed nutme; 


regulating the proportion of ice by the 
sate of the weather. Stir. Hand the cup 
round with а «е kîn passed 
through one of the I . vo that the 
edge of the cup alter cach 
guest has 


MORELLO CHERRY BOUNCE 


Аба. very popular 
Colonial id almost always ho 
made. The recipe is taken bom The 
Williamsburg Art of Cookery. There arc 
many recipes for bounce, including onc 
rom ¢ Washington. 
Gather and pick. your Cheri 
perlecily тіре. put them inte a 
sh them with a Roll 
1 to every five Pi 


This is а 


" 


су whe 
Гар and 
Stones 


nel В: 
nce put three fourths of 


in it thre 
Gallon ol 
Pound of brown Sugar 
75 Cems or 50 
equally as well as the best Spirit for 
Bounce 

Note: You may str 
cloth instead of a ft 
that rum prices have d 
couple of centuries. 


nswers 


cheesc- 


ТАМ 


OWN JULEP 


The Jamestown Julep was predecesor 
10 the Kentucky or bourbon julep. In 
addition to rum, brandy and port were 
sometimes included iu early recipes. 

Fresh mint 

1 teaspoon superfine sugar, or to taste 

Water or club soda 

114 ол. Puerto Rican ram 

102. Jamaican rum 

Place 3 or 4 mint leaves in mug or 
tumbler, add sugar and a light splash of 


water or club soda. Muddle to bruise 
mint and dissolve sugar. Pack with crushed 
ice and add rums. Gently work long- 
andled spoon up and down to frost: try 
not to hold the gi t sprig of mint 
on top and serve 


ONE YARD OF FLANNEL 


First make a balter: Whip 2 eggs, add 
ya cup brown sugar, a pinch each of 
md nutmeg. ginger and allspice; beat 
When and well 


smooth. 


h drink; Combine 1 oz. or so of 
ter with 2 ozs. rum and Y) pint 
hard cider or beer. Pour back and forth 
between large mugs or tankards ur 
smooth. A red-hot poker (loggerhead) was 
п thrust into the concoction to heat 
Using warmed beer or cider will do 
the same, but you'll probably prefer the 
drink cool. 


SUMMER SOLDIER, 


З ољ. mad 
1 small egg 

ar, if desired 
of lemon 


ra (sercial or rainwater) 


ain into 
ith lemon 


slice and sprinkle lightly with nutmeg. 


IPSWICH SWITCHELL 


14 025. light rum 

1 oz. cranberry juice cocktail 

Wedge of lime 

Pack old fashioned glass with cracked 
ice. Add rum and cranberr 
Squeeze in lime juice and drop ресі into 
glass. Stir well. 


RUM AND RILL 


Pour a healthy jolt of light rum over 
ice into highball glass. Add chilled spring 
water to taste—or, if you preler, club soda. 
Lemon twist optional. As you must know, 
the Kentucky version ol this is called 
bourbon and branch. 


MULLED CIDER 


9 boules hard cider or apple wine 

Small stick cinnamon 

6 allspice berries 

Bitters—orange or Angostura 

2 or 3 lemons, sliced 

1 bottle applejack 

Heat cider and spices slowly in enamel 
pan; keep just below з Preheat 
punch bowl or large pitcher by r 
with hot water. Add several dashes bitters 
to pan when spiced cider is hot, then 
n into bowl or pitcher. Serve in cups 
or small mugs. Add slice of lemon and 


immer. 


str 


a nip of applejack—about 1 0z—to each 


с the mixture before trai 
from pan. Some hard ciders are 
nt to add а 
bit of sugar or perhaps cven a little more 
spice. 


SALEM SOOTHER, 


2 ozs. rum 
6 ozs. cold milk 


tall glass. Dust with a pinch each. ground 
nutmeg and 
anilla-scented su 
it, adds to the flavor. 
Spirits were so much a part of the Colo- 
nial life that the popuk 
of synonyms for incl 
Dictionary of such terms, printed in the 
January 13, 1736, issue of The Pennsyl- 
vania Gazette, is attributed to Benjamin 


if you have 


Franklin. Remember the old kitellicr 
while you're out celebrating, and don't ger 
too biggy, block and block, boozy, bowz'd, 


cock'd, wamble стора or piss'd in the 
brook. And when your skin is full and 
the malt is above the water, taper off or 
thee will get corns in thy head! 


Why is Tareyton better? 


Charcoal is why. Charcoal filtration is used to freshen air, 
to make water and other beverages taste better. It does some- 
thing for cigarette smoke, too. 


Шаш 


TAREYTON has two filters—a white tip on the outside, 
activated charcoal on the inside. Like other filters they reduce 


tar and nicotine. But the charcoal does more. It balances, 
smooths-gives you a taste no plain white filter can match. 


""That's why us 
Tareyton smokers 


would rather fight 


than switch.” , 


Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined 
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. 


` King Siz: 20 mg. "tar 1.3 mg nicotine: 100 mm: 18 mg. "tar; ЁЗ mg nicotine; av. per cigarette, ЕТС Repon April 75. 221 


PLAYBOY 


222 ye 


too much 
To these, wh ors’ trial 
came, would be added two more interest- 
ing names: Mary Surat, 45. а widow, 
the mother of John, who kept a Wash- 
ington boardinghouse said to be the nest 
where the plots were hatched. Mrs. Sur- 
ratt also had a tavern at Surratisville, 
Maryland, on the Southern escape route. 
And Dr. Samuel Mudd, 32. a physi 
charged with introducing John шт: 
and John Wilkes Booth, and who, after 
Lincoln's murder, admitted 1 
Booth for the broken leg hc sustained 
Icaping fiom the Presidential box to 
the stage at Ford's Theater 

These are the principal players in 
the kidnaping-become-murder plot. There 
аге many others, one in pa 
Louis Weichmann—a_ pudgy 
former theology student who was a clerk 
the War Department, an avowed 
Southern sympathizer, a boarder at Mis. 
Surrait's and a fink. 

Booth first planned to seize the Presi- 
dent at Ford's during a performance of 
Jack Cade on January 18, 1865. He knew 
Lincoln went often to the theater. Indeed, 
in 1863, the President had seen Wilkes 
at Ford's in The Marble Heart and had 
admired the уса 


ministration from the sta 
got him arrested in St. Louis and rele: 
only when he signed an oath of all 
to the Union, On another occasio 
President saw Booth perform a villa 
role and noted that each malevolent speech 
seemed directed at him. He said afterward 
“That fellow did look might sharp at me. 
So Booth's theatricalism would have made 
him perfectly satisfied to attack Lincoln 
in his box, singlehandedly wus him up. 
lower him to Herold, Arnold and 
O'Laughlin and escape through а door 
held open by another actor. In New 


York, Booth ollered a stock. player named 
Samuel Chester this role, but Chester 
refused. despite the assurance that "50 


to 1007 men we 
Inevitably, Chester's would 
lead to speculations after Lincoln's death 
bout just who, and how many, had con- 
spired to kill the President 
ncoln. subdued, 
would head for the Navy Yard Bridge in 
a carriage driven by Surratt and escorted 
by other conspirators. Thence to Port To- 
bacco. Aterodt’s boat, Richmond and the 
presumed plaudits of a grateful Jefferson 
Davis, The plan failed when the weather 
turned bad and Lincoln stayed home. 
While no evidence exists that Lincoln 
wire of this lateshow plot, he 
certainly knew someone was after him. 
On March 19, 1864, The New York 
Times reported rumors of а plan, vetoed 
by Davis, to send 150 Confed 
to kidnap Lincoln. In August of that 
‚ a sniper plugged the President's top. 


involved in Ше venture. 


recollection 


the kidi 


te raiders 


(continued from page 170) 


hat as he 1ode the three miles from the 
White House to his summer retreat at 
the Soldiers: Home. 

Unabashed, Lincoln rode in and told 
the retreat’s sentry, "Someone seems to 
have tried killing me." Who is unknown. 
It could have been a freelance Killer or 
one of Mosby's raiders (those irregulars 
were then operating in the Washington 
environs, to the consternation of ollicials) 
or merely a disgruntled citizen. Likewise, 
no one knows whether the attempt was 
premeditated or spont: 

Next came a report in November from 
Union spies that Confederates in Mon- 
treal were plotting Lincoln's death (Booth 
was then in New York, fresh from а 
Canadian visit, playing Mare Antony in 
js brothers Edwin 
and Junius Brutus, Jr—during the star- 
studded performance. Canadian-based 
rebels made daring arson raids on several 
New York hotels and Union ships and 
docks, a coincidence that did not go 
unremarked). On December 1, 1864, an 
unsigned ad appeared in the Selma, / 
bama, Dispatch soliciting funds to а 
the murders of Lincoln. Vice-Pre 
ndrew Johnson and Secretary of State 
William Seward. Why Selma was chosen 
is unknown, unless the advertise! 
lieved the town of 800 was especially ripe 
territory for such a scheme—an opinion 
Мәнін Luther King shared а century 
later. By April 1865, Lincoln had numer- 
ous serious death threats filed in his desk 
der ASSASSINATION. 

Naturally, these repons brought efforts 
to protect the President, despite his dis- 
like for bodyguards. Soon after taking 
office in 1862. Stanton had had his Na- 
i xecutive Police take over patrol- 
ıshington from the small, badly 
manned Metropolitan Police. They were 
commanded by Lafayette C. Baker, later 

prominent figure in the i 
ga. Baker formerly served the San 
randsco vigilantes and he inclined to 


соц». 


Julius Caesar with h 


ded, 


did not guard the President. 
left 10 special detachments of ca 
(Lincoln ca jangling 
prevented. conversatio 
and to bodyguards either detailed by the 
Meiropolitan Police or chosen by Lin- 
coln's old friend Lamon, marshal of the 
District of Columbia. Altogether, it was 
catchas-catel-can. 

Stanton often nagged Lincoln to he 
guarded more. But the President was 
obdurate, mon, Baker and 
Lamon did Dest—or so it w 
thong 


their 
- The result was a wartime Presi- 
ously open to threats, even from 


glorious actors. 

Booth next planned to kidnap Lincoln 
on March 20, 1865. On the fourth, with 
most of the conspirators, he attended 


Lincoln's Second Inauguration. A photo 
shows Booth’s hoboish underlings—so like 
the Dealey Plaza “tramps” of a century 
latei—stationed at the foot of the speak- 
єг'з platform, while the top-hatted sinister 
dandy Wilkes peers down from a gallery 
the President. Some historians specu- 
late that Booth intended а flourish there 
ad then, the whisking away of the Pres 
dent at his own Inauguration, But Bootlrs 
men were not up to that stroke, even if 
he bragged later that he could have shot 
Lincoln where he stood. Hc didn't, either 
because the crowd would have torn him to 
fragments or because the conspirators’ 
augural attendance was a scouting missio 
to sce just how well protected the Pres 
dent was these days. 

Apparently, not well enough that the 
group abandoned its plans. In mid-March, 
Booth and Paine supposedly laid in w 
for Lincoln near the White House. The 
were frightened away when Lincoln strode 
10 view surrounded by men. But with 
the South now tottering at Petersburg. 
it scemed to Booth they must strike, grab 
the President and use him as a towerir 
pawn in the peace talks. 

On March 13, Booth reassembled his 
band, which had scattered 
detection following the 
hey drifted into Washington, all mal 
appe: . ау before the Jack 
Cade plan and the Inauguration, at Mrs. 
Suratts boardinghouse. АП were duly 
noted by the observant Weichmann, who 
reported them to the War Department 
he department did nothing about these 
callers. Perhaps they were thought 100 
clownish for serious attention. But the 
inactivity provoked serious questions a 
few weeks later. 

A number of the conspirators attended 
Ford’s Theater on March 13 10 reconnoiter 


(the Fords were Maryland friends of the 
Booths) and Wilkes urged again on them 
the ineffable rightness of grabbing Lincoln 


a playhouse. At a d v that 
evening, after. plenty of fond and di 
Arnold and Booth argued over the plan. 
Arnold, supported by O' Laughlin, said 
even the newspapers were predicting the 
South would make some move ag 
the President. They'd stay in for one 
more attempt, and that in some sensible 
place, not a damned playhouse. Booth 
muttered that а man should be shot for 
backing out and Arnold retorted that 
two could play that game. 

March 18 brought Booths Jast full 
performance, again The Apostate. 
From а stock player named John 
Matthews, Wilkes gathered that Lincoli 
would on the 20th go to the Soldiers’ 


Home retreat for a matinee of Still 
Waters Run Deep. That the time, 
Again the conspirators gathered. Her 
old, Surratt and Atzerodt stashed carbines, 


id tools at the Surrattsville tavern, 
а boat, then returned to 
By the lonely road they 


"Come on, baby—just one more goodnight kiss to remember you by.” 


Mud 
ИД 


223 


PLAYBOY 


224 


tt would seize the President's 
ughlin, Amold, Atzerodt 
with the escort. Paine and 
Booth would handle Lincoln. The car- 
riage clattered into view, alone. The con- 
spirators surged forward . . . but it was 
not Lincoln in the carriage; rather, 
nother person, whom Surratt later sa 
was wn P. Chase, Chief Justice of 
Ше Supreme Court, Red with rage, the 
group returned to Mrs. Surraw’s. Booth 
whipped his boots in anger. The group 
dispersed. Arnold and O'Laughlin 
they were through and left for Maryla 
Surratt went to Richmond to resume 
dispatch carrying up to Montreal. Booth 
decamped for New York and a weck of 
lies and booze. Presumably, he sus- 
pected the Government knew something 
was afoot. And some officials did, if they 
were listening to Weichmann. 

Still, Booth would make one last wy. 
On the 29h, the President would be at 
the theater. Booth wired O'Laughlin, but 
ished. Arnold wrote Booth 
the same. Cursing, Booth repaired on 
April third to Newport, Rhode Island, 
with an unknown lady. That day, Rich- 
mond fell to Grant. On Saturday, April 
cighth. Booth checked into the National 
Hotel in Washington. On the tenth, the 
shouts in the streets told him Lee had 
surrendered. He began to drink heavily, 
to call at Mrs. Surratt's, searching for the 
remnants of his gang. Only Atzcrodt, 
Herold and Paine were about. With 
е, or perhaps Herold, Booth heard 
ıt gentle speech on the Ith. Booth 

ed about votes for niggers and drank 
on the next day in John Decry's saloon. 
ike assassins of a later era—Oswald, Ray, 
i—he seemed bent on mad public 
ions, his intents, 
skills. Whether Booth was mad or chose 
outrageous behavior as a protective device 
is moot, though a question we might ask 
ot a contemporary expert such as 
“Squeaky” Fromme. 

Lincoln not only spoke of his premo- 
nitions of death—he saw himself dead, 
Within a month of April 14 he'd had, 
d remarked. on, a dream in which he 
saw a corpse lying in state in the East 
Room. The dreaming President asked a 
rd who was dead in the White House. 
answered. "The President, he was 
assassin." Surely this 
the President's mind on the 14th, when he 
conducted his 11 л.м. Cabinet. meeting. 
d once more to Stanton's urg 
tsof the defeated South be put 
агу rule and denied statehood. 
le that in the afternoon 
кой! went to the War Department 
and requested (hat Major Thomas Eckert 
accompany him as bodyguard to the 
theater that night. Ecke Lincoln said, 
could break iron pokers over his arm. 

Stanton denied the request, saying he 
had pressing work for Eckert that evening. 
icoln then asked Eckert himself, who 


He 
Killed by a 


under milii 
It's incontes 


said he followed Stanton’s orders. In 
fact, Eckert only went home that evening, 
while Stanton called on Seward and then 
went home himself. However many ques- 
tions their excuses raised later, the Presi- 
quicsced that afternoon. He would 
Police Force body- 
Major Henry Rath- 
nd his fiancée, Clara Harris, would 


any him and Mrs, Lincoln. The 
pleading their 


had begged off. 
desire 10 go to thei 
ton, New Jersey. Lincoln suspected. the 
real reason was Julia Grant's dislike for 
Mis. Lincoln. Mary was 
of women around him. Lincoln would 
as lief stay home. His wife deserved che 
recreation. They'd lost two of their four 
sons. had watched their beloved Willie die 
in 1862 in the prison of the White House. 
But shed put on her brave face, get 
gussied up . . . she spent plenty for 
clothes, that was sure, At Ford's was a 
benefit for her favorite actress, Laura 
Keene, who was appearing іп an amusing 
comedy. Qur American Cousin. A pity his 
older boy, Robert, was too battle-fatigued 
10 go. The Stantons had also excused them- 
sclves before, which hardly surprised Lin- 
coln. Stanton 1 little sense of humor. 
Lincoln would go, accept it, too. He knew 
he was tired, worn thin, older than his 


56 years. His belly bothered him, he slept 
һай 


he stooped and shullled—hardly 
able frontiersman. Victory 
hat cost? To what end? 


s busy, too. Though he'd 
booked a box at Grovers Theater the 
day before, in case the Lincolns and the 
nts went there, Ford's would be easier. 
He knew the Ford family well, received 
t their office. A stagehand named 
d Spangler had agreed to help. 


1 box were broken, which would 
т. Walking toward Ford's that 
ng of the 14th, Booth head 
people singing When This Cruel War Is 
Over as they waited for the ragtag of 
gleron Johnston's army, 
then at bay in North Carolina, to sur- 
render. So he was delighted when he over- 
4 Нату Ford tell the stage carpenter 
that the Pres 
his theater. The partition between boxes 
seven and eight was coming down. Booth 
was sorry now he had no use for O'Laugh- 
lin. who'd shown up drunk at the hotel 
that morning. Still, things were no longer 
as dull as he'd said in a letter to his mother 
the day before. 
With characteristic agility, Booth 
рей through the day. At Ford's, he 
spected the Presidential box. An casy 
jump of 12 feet from it to the stage, then 
out the back door to the alley, where 
Spangler would be holding a horse. Then 
along the escape route, cast across the 
Anacostia River into southern Maryland, 
down to Surrausville, across the Potomac 
into Virginia and on to Richmond, Then 


he watched а rehe; 
the play as well as La 
the third act, 
sockdologizing old mantrap"- 
big laugh. Only one actor 
rry Hawk that night) was onstage 

So there it wa 
Then to a live 


‚ though he knew 
1 Keene. During 


le to arrange a 
fast mare for the eveni Next. back 
to his hotel to dress all in black and 
pocket his wallet, an unused diary. a 
compass. his watch, alet, a small 
brass derringer and a long knife that, 
athed, bore the inscription, LIBERTY 
E. AMERICA—THE LAND 
OF THE BRAVE AND THE PREF. SHEFFIELD, 
ENGLAND. 

Booth soon afterward dropped in for 
a moment at Mrs. Surrat's boarding- 
house and, before long, the widow woman 
set out for Surrattsville. Weichmann 
greed to drive her 
‘The Hemdon House, опе block from 
Ford's, was Booth's next сай. To the 
reliable Paine, he gave the job of killing 
Seward in his bed as he lay recovering 
ies received 


a 
> but he didn't 
Know Seward’s home, couldn't learn the 
lay of Wash No trouble, Herold 
would guide Paine. They should strike 
near 10:15 P.s., so that the Union hydra 
heads would all roll at once. 

On to the Kirkwood House, 
Atzerodt should be. But the Prusi 
as out boozing, so Booth pushed a note 
under his door. Then, most curiously, he 
left a cmd for Vice-President Johnson, 
who stayed at Kirkwood House, reading, 
“Don't wish to disturb you. Are you at 
home? J. Wilkes Booth." "That gesture has 
reverberated ever since. 

Booth went on to Deery's saloon after 
picking up his horse at the stable. He 
drank brandy and water, thoughtfully 
watched billiards and then hurried down- 
s to Grover's Theater's office. There 
he wrote a letter to the cditor of Wash- 
ington’s National Intelligencer explaining 
why he had killed. He signed the ler 
ter, it's said, “J. W. Booth—Paine— 
Atzerodt—Herold,” and so he crossed 
forever his Rubicon. 

He showed his mare's speed to some 
gchands from Ford's and then riding on 
ansyl Avenue saw John Matthews. 
Booth knew him well, used him for in- 
formation, had once even tried to culist 
him in his kidnap plots. Now he asked 
Matthews to deliver the National Intelli- 
gencer letter the next morning. Matthews 
ed. While they chaued, a file of Con 
te prisoners was marched past. 
ood God, Matthews, 
* and galloped 
ізде esconed by 
rant and 
wile. On his way to the train station, 
bystanders told Booth. Well . . „only “the 
ape" was left to him. 

Booth seems then to have found Aizer 

odt. He ordered the drunken immigra 


where 


йл 


fedeı 
Booth exclaimed, 
L have no country left!” 


t 


10 enter Johnson's room around 10:15 
and kill the Vice-President. Auerodt 
demurred. Too dangerous. Johnson may 
h 
ond Inaugu 
“Andy ain't по 
body disputed Johnson's courage. Booth 
insisted, Uneatening Aucrodt. He caved 
in and Booth left. Aucrodt continued 
drinking 

At Taltavul’s tavern, next to Ford's 
Booth was setting them up for Ford's 
hands. He soon excused himself to 
о the empty th He went to the 
e door leading to boxes seven and eight, 
those above and directly left of the stage. 
broken locks would admit him, but 
1 to keep others out, He took a board 
that had supported a music stand. He 
carved a niche in the plaster wall to jam its 
end firm inst the door. The fragmen 
he scooped up with one of the five pi 
tures of girlfriends he carried. In Ше 
door to box seven he bored a hole with 
his gimlet. Now back to the hotel. He 
loaded the single-shot derringer, packed 
a disguise and two Colt revolvers in 
his saddlebags. Then to the last meeting 
with Paine, Herold and Aucrodt. Hed 
¢ Lincoln. Paine would enter Seward's 
house on the pretext of bringing a pre- 
saiption from Seward's doctor, Averodt 
had his job. When all were finished, they'd 
rendezvous at the Navy Yard Bridge. Then 
on to the South, maybe even Mexico. 
He told them of the Intelligencer letter. 
‘There'd be no turning back. 

Ву 0:30, Booth was in the alley bel 
Ford's. He called for Spangler to hold his 
horse, but the stagehand was occupied 
with the play. Young Joseph Burroughs 
came to hold the famous actor's mount. 
Booth entered the theater, nodding left 
and right, and walked under the stage 
through a passage to the street. He 
ordered a whiskey at Faltavul's. At the 
bar, but unknown to Booth, were Lin- 
colns valet, Charles Forbes, and his 
Police Force bodyguard, John Е. Parker, 
dearly not by the body. Some acquaint- 

Booth, telling him of 


ve been drunk and foolish at the Sec- 
tion, but, as Lincoln said. 
drunkard^—and по. 


'edled 


"When I leave the stage for 
good, TH be the most famous man in 
America." 

Outside the tavern. Booth chatted with 
other admirers, refusing a drink from 
Captain. William Williams of the Wash- 
ington Cavalry Police. After accepting a 
chaw of tobacco from the ticket taker, 
he ascended to the dress circle and 
watched for his moment. It approached 
and he moved toward the first door. 
He was astonished to see no onc barring 
his way. The President was unguarded! 
As the theater rang to comic lines, Booth 
entered the vestibule of the Presidential 
box. He barred the door with 
then tiptoed to the door to box seven. 
‘Through the gimlet hole he saw the 
President, holding his wife's hand. To 


is board, 


“Itsa natural mistak 


e, my dear—this is 744 East 


Prescot! Avenue; your new job must be al number 741 West." 


the right, on a sofa in box eight, Major 
Rathbone sat making cow eyes at his 
сёе. Onstage, Hawk began his boffo 
lines in act three, scene two of Tom Tay- 
lors ever-popular comedy. Booth opened 
ihe door. As Hawk spoke and the President. 
smiled, Booth aimed the derringer just 
behind the left ear. It was about 10:15 
“You sockdolo; " and the 
laughs came, muflling the explosion. the 
ihumped-melon sound of а half-inch leat 
ball entering Lincoln's skull. The 1675 
spectators flinched as the Presidents head 
moved slightly to the right and forward 
and slumped soundlessly. Booth said, 
softly, “Sic semper tyrannis." Major Rath- 
bone jerked upright, jumped at him, 
repulsed by a knife slash to his 
left arm. Mary Lincoln's face bore the 
puzzled look of a bludgeoned cow, then 
crumbled to hysteria. Booth’s hand found 
the railing. He vaulted. Noises 
reams. There was a tear as his spur 


zing old 


now. 


cought the Treasury Guard's flag decorat- 
ing the box. A thud as he hit the stage, 
the snap of his left shinbone. Hawk 
stood paralyzed. Booth! Shouts from the 
audience. . . . "What? . . . Stop that 
man! .. . What?... The President? 
Part of the play? . . .” Some later said they 
heard Booth cry “Revenge! I've done 
Others that he shrieked " Death to tyrants. 
Others that he merely limped away, 
brandishing the Certainly, once 
backstage, he pushed away an actor, then 
a stagchand, hobbled to the rear door, out 
to his horse. A blow to young Burroughs" 
head with his knife hilt, a kick. Then 
the pounding hooves off toward the Navy 
Yard Bridge leading South. Everywhere, 
sounds ripping the night: 

+ At Seward's house, maniacal screams 
and groans fill the street as the huge 
Paine runs amuck, slashing down Seward's 
son, a soldier, a nurse, at last falling on 
the helpless Secretary himself. cutting 


225 


PLAYBOY 


226 caked that mon 


again and again down acıoss his face, his 
neck, until his knife grates against the 
on brace supporting Seward's injured 
neck. Then Paine screaming, “I am mad, 
Iam ma 
courier, running from the house to find 
his guide, Herold, gone, spurring for the 
Navy Yard Bridge to Booth and safety. 
Paine runs, the rendezvous, everything for- 
gotten, and leaves a badly wounded 
Seward. who will recover. 

* Around Ford's, a fugue—the sobs of 
Mary, sad, knowing sighs from doctors, 
belligerent inquiries by the police and 
Stanton’s men, the clank of cavalry sıbers 
and bayonets restraining crowds, soon the 
giunts of rying Lincoln across 
the street to Petersen's boardinghouse, to 
be stretched across а too-short walnut 
spindle bed in a little room off the hall. 
The deathwatchers listen to the Presid 
hopeless breaths tear the room and soon 
the nation, Stanton whispers orders, 
directs the investigation, rules America 
from Petersen's gaslit cubbyholes, 

+ In the streets, men shout, fire guns, 
mob those who say they're glad the son 
of a bitch із dead, as the news is spread 
by jungle drums of rumor (“Conlede: 
ates, Mosby's raiders, Jubal Early’s . . . 


id!" knifing a State Department 


Johnson. 
look out!" —ind. listening, we hear in ou 
time Lyndon Johnson's conspiracy fe 
after Kennedy, hear “They'll get me, 
too” in his pulse). The uproar reaches 
Auerodt, riding blind drunk, heading 
for the Kirkwood House and his death 
date with Johnson. The shouts scare him. 
He abandons his horse. He'll sell his re- 
volver for drink money and try to make 
for upper Maryland. 

+ Those listening most closely hear in 
all this the sounds of more distant 
thunder, storms gathering over the death 
of Lincoln's policy of magnanimity to 
the South. Like echoes of Booth's escape, 
Lincoln's death brings on night hooves 
ol the К.К.К. and the сөшмегіогес of 
carpetbaggers. In the dying breaths of 
the 16th President, we catch those of the 
nation’s innocence, 


Lincoln died at 7:22 Ам. оп April 
15. Stanton, who had taken control of 
the Government by virtue of his wartime 
powers, was supposed to have saîd, "Now 
he belongs to the ages," though some eye- 
witnesses said he merely asked а ier 
to Jead them in prayer. АШ agreed Stanton 
did а curious thing when the President 


breathed bis Tast-took 
and ceremoniously settled it upon his own 
head, as the 
лм. Holy у 

ive the oath of ollice to Andrew Johnson 


17h President of the republic. In 
aedibly, in the uproar, the cl 
jon of the new Pı 
en like Senator Stewart of New 
said Johnson had been drunk and mud- 
, never mind that he 


was seen sober and somber at Lincoln's 
thbed during the night and comported 


d 
himself well at his oath taking. 
things were unhinged. 

During the frenzied night, the nation 
had learned the news in stories bold- 


АП in all, 


bordered in black, But a few Americans 
ingly, a town 


were not surprised. Astor 
in Minnesota throbbed with news of L 
coln's death and a small. newspaper in 
New York had published a bulletin tha 
Lincoln had been killed—before Booth 
acted; and the confusion, these facts 
were lost, though not forever forgotten. 
As for the major media, despite a tele- 
graph blackout, the Associated Press broke 
the news about midnight, followed later by 
every major correspondent. Uncertainty 
and caution after the first Hash prevented 
mention of Booth as the killer, despite the 
testimony of dozens of witnesses, theater 
folk and others, who identified him under 
the wrathful interrogation of the police 
and Stanton—who established his com- 
mand post in Petersen's rooming house. 
Throughout America, weeping women, 
angry men, rabid mobs poured out to 
lament and protest the act, Before 24 
hours had passed, mobs had even set 
upon former Presidents Franklin Pierce 
t, hence "Southern") 
nd Millard Fillmore (for not draping his 
home in black) Crowds everywhere at- 
tacked known rebel sympathizers as the 
rumor spread of a giant Confederate con- 
athy ssion for the 
defeated “erring sisters” 
onstrators and even Andrew Johnson 
shouted for hanging Jeff Davis and all 
other Confederate leaders (to a sour 


Whisper against the martyred President 
were summarily beaten. Only in the 
South were there signs of jubilation, as 


with a Texas paper that wrote that 
ing was “ordained by God." More 
Richmond Whig said, “The 


iest blow which has ever fallen иро 
the people of the South has descended. 
Overall, in its reflexive combination of 
grief i 


ind violence. the nation never saw 
its like again until the murder of Martin 
Luther King, another leader who com- 
bined politicil power (and consequences) 
with a high and authentic moral tone. 
Almost iom the derringers r 
Stanton and his deputies—especi: 
Lafayette C. Baker—worked furiously to 
ich and dispose of the assassins. 
von barked orders theough his perfuined 
beard. The telegraph service was to be 
cut, except the secret War Department 
line, until they could give the “correc 
story to the pres. to the ambassadors, to 
the world. Booth was not to be identified 
until they were sure. Search his rooms, 


bring in his friends, prepare posters, 
olfer rewards no witness could refuse 
All trains out of Washington were to be 


searched, all roads were to be scaled 
(though seemingly not fast enough, since 


Booths escape was suspiciously easy). All 


nown secesh agents to be corralled. 
Alert 8000 troops, plus Navy vessels, 
to interdict travel. Above all, get Booth 
and his associates, such as that man 
responsible for the attack on Seward. As 
for rights, they were suspended—habe: 
corpus, press freedom, whatever, This 
was war, 

Stanton’s reign of terror worked—in 
1 the ways ther such things do. It worked 
more than partly because Stanton's Wa 
Department had known for 
weeks that Booth, the Surratts, 
O Laughlin, Atzerodt, Herold and, at 
the end, Paine intended to harm Lincoln. 
Weichmann had told them. Yet, until 
April 15, Stanton and Baker did not move 
gainst the plotters. When they did. it 
was quickly. y following, Black 
en and the Metropoli- 
Police had arrested. Arnold, O’Laugh- 
Jin, Spangler, Mrs. Surratt 
had detained many known Confederate 
agents, sympathizers, bystanders and as 


sorted “witnesses.” To anyone ignorant 
of Weich formation—which he 
was сөресі ify after an 


interview with the police the morning fol- 
lowing the assassination—the catch would 
seem the result of impressive policework. 

Though Maryland had never seceded 
from the Union (and Lee's campaigns had 
intended to rectify that), it was strongly 
prorebel. Particularly to the southeast of 
the Yankce capital. Somewhere there were 
Booth and Herold—reunited on the road 
to Surratsville—at large, still, despite 
rewards that. eventually reached $50,000 
lor Booth and 525,000 for Herokl. But 
arrests were to come. On the 18th, the 
id of Dr. Mudd, The 


пра 


early Saturday and sheltered two men 
briefly. The cousin informed the police. 
Mudd was soon brought in. Weichmann 
said Mudd had been in Washington to sce 
Booth twice and had met him frequently 
near Surrausville. They had merely dis- 
cused land deals, Mudd said. He wa 
shackled hand and foot and, like the 
others, in due time taken aboard a monitor 
in the Potomac. By Sinton's order, a 
eous canvas hood was placed over the 
head of each conspirator—except Mrs, 
Surratt, The hood prevented speech and 
hearing and was a bı 
sensory deprivation. 
The Cavalry sweeping the South 
route—all lusting after the rewards 
also brought in a drunken John Lloyd, 
who rented Mrs, Surratt’s tavern at Su 
ratsville. Given Weichmann's. choice of 
being hung as a conspirator or feted 
a stoolie, Lloyd stammered that he'd see 
Booth and Herold on the murder night. 
They'd stopped to get some carbines 
secreted there and some whiskey. Booth 
scemed injured. Lloyd also said that on 
Mrs. Surrat’s visit on the Mth, she'd 
told him to get “the shootin’ irons” 
ready, that somebody would be by for 
them. Thus, he incriminated Mrs. Surratt, 


In your ear! 


That's where we have to 
whisper oh so quietly about 
January our, which blows 
the lid on Cocaine Ladies 
and their trials and travels 
to find the white dust that 
blows your lid. Shhhhh! 
Mustnt talk about Pyramid 
Power, the secret 
5 N ofthePharaohs | 
that sharpens wits as well as razor blades. Do they 
ut have the power to cloud men's 
1 minds? The our knows! Speak 
sotto voce after your 
Conversation with 
Eldridge Cleaver, 
the declawed Panther 
who hid Dr. Tim. He 
reveals his future, the 
future of Blacks and 
4 S» the future of pants 
that al ned all about it in our. But 
don't tell a soul about the Bahamas & ES 
girls without tops and girls without bottoms. And men to НЕНІ 
the joys of playing Cops and Robbers and the absolute necessity 
rm _ of Saving New York and the lucky 
folk who witness it all in the January 
, issue of our. 
Just 
whisper 
OUI. At 
news- 
stands 
now. 


PLAYBOY 


elating Baker and particularly Stanton— 
who now busied himself preparing indict- 
ments of all the captured conspirators, 
along with Jefferson Davis and sundry 
other Confederates he thought deserved 
punishment Immaculately scribed in 
Stanton’s precise hand, these indiciments 
(only recently discovered by the Library of 
ngress) were perhaps beyond the Se 
s province. The duty customarily 


m 
with the Attorney General. But $ 


ton 


ignored this leg. mong others, in his 
real to legitimize radical Reconstruction 
and to keep the matter wholly in his grasp. 
All this time. Booth and Herold were 
hiding in a thicket ncar the Zekiah 
Swamps, about 30 miles south of Surratts- 
ville. They were concealed by a sympa- 
thier named Captain Samuel Cox and 
әкей for by Thomas Jones. the chief rebel 
igual officer on that stretch of the under- 
ground route. Booth was cold and hunted 
and his leg pained him. He lay, waiting for 
a chance to cross the Potomac and get to 
Richmond. He passed hours writing in 
his diary, telling how he'd killed Lincoln 
and yet “I am here in desp: ‚ doing 
what Brutus was honored for—what made 
[William] Tell a hero; aud yet I, for 
suiking down an even greater tyrant than 
they ever knew, am looked upon as a 
common cutthroat.” Worse, he found no 
mention in the National Intelligencer, 
h Jones brought him. of his letter 


(Matthews, afraid, said he had burned 
it). Instead, there were denunciations, 
even by the I s in the South. He re- 


corded that the Government must be 
suppressing his letter, his side of it. He 
told Cox they would never take John 
Wilkes Booth alive and wrote in his 
ry, ^I have too great a soul to die like 
a criminal." 

But he was fleeing like a criminal. On 
Api 1 20, Booth and Herold tried to cross 
the Potomac but were stared back by 
shots from a patrolling gunboat. The n 
night, in the fog, they made it, rowing 
blindly. ‘They fetched up at Nanjemoy 
Creck but were rebuffed by a Colonel 
Hughes. They then drifted downsucam 
to find Jones's acquaintances. In faci, 
everything was dov 

Ashore, a Dr. 
1. Booth sent h 


th n $2.50 and а nast 


nice note on y page. The night of 
April 23, the two fugitives slept in a 
Negro's shack. The nest day, they com- 
mandeered the man and his team for a 


journey to the I 
nock. There, ма 


ks of the Rappa 
ng for a ferry. they 
fell in three rebel parolees (or, 
conceivably, Mosby's led by 
someone to escort them to Richmond). 
With them, Booth and Herold crossed to 
Port Royal, sought shelter and were sent 
to the farm of Richard Garrett, about ten 
miles north of Bowling Green. Booth was 
reduced by Captain Willie Jett, his 
Confederate friend, as Boyd, a wounded 

s king lodging. In the ten days 


n- 


with 


iders de 


since Lincoln's murder, 
traveled about 80 miles. 

On the 24th, Lafayeue Baker is sup- 
posed to have drawn a dıde around 
Bowling Green and announced that de- 
spite all the reports of Booth in Canada, 


Booth had 


Mexico, Texas, they could find the 
escaped assassin within that ten-mile 
radius, tory act has never 


been explained. A Major O'Beirne re- 
ported that he had rooted out word of 
Booth and Herold a day earlier and re- 
quested authority to capture them and 
claim the 575.000 but was refused. Baker 
first said he "deduced" their location, 
then that a “Negro informant" told him 
about the fugitives (this informant's dep- 
osition has never been found). 

However it struck the trail, the 
avalry did find Booth and Herold. The 
ers went by steamer on April 
. raised dust galloping 
nd immediately found Jett 
тесп. They wanted informa- 
Ше strangers theyd heard 
1 Port Royal, and if they didn't ger 
f, Jett would hang at once. They got the 
information and, before dawn on the 26th, 


in Bowl 


chief detective was Licuten: В 
Baker, cousin of the oracular Lafayeue. 
With them in this detachment of the 16th 
New York was a religious-nut sergeant 
named Boston Corbett. 

They stood farmer Garrett on a chop- 
ping block and told him they'd string 
him up if he didn't say where the assassins 
were, but the old man was speechless, 
and they were making the noose when 
one of his sons announced that Booth 
and Herold were sleeping in the tobacco 


barn. The troopers surrounded the 
$75,000 on the hoof. Conger, Baker, 
Doherty shouted for the men to come 


out, they knew who they were. The 
trapped men shouted they wanted time. 
Debate ensued until finally Herold gave 
up. was yanked from the bam door, 
handcuffed and tied to a tree. He yelled, 
“Who is that man in there?" Herold's 
cry caused bewilderment. Was it Booth 
(though Herold later said it was) or 
a trick? The other man pleaded for 
time, then for the troopers to retreat а 
bit to give him a fighting chance, finally 
that they should “prepare a stretcher for 


АП very theatrical. But it 
ove Conger and Baker. They'd 
burn the barn, they called. The Garretts 


shouted at “Boyd” to surrender. They 
heard him arranging a barricade. The fire 
was started. It tore the night. The officers 
could see the man standing upright, sil- 
houetted. his carbine cradled, pistol in his 
right hand. His crutch was thrown aside. 
Then a shot and he fell. It was 3:15 Ам, 
April 26. He was pulled out and laid on a 
straw mattress on the Garretts’ porch. A 
mortal gunshot wound behind and below 


the right car through the spinal cord, 
exiting on his left. Baker called the man 
Booth and the dying man looked sur- 
prised, forever adding a measure of con- 
fusion to the puzzling case of John Wilkes 
Booth. 

The officers were furious—he was 10 
be taken alive—and they raged. Who shot 
him? Or did he himself? Corbett 
stepped forward to say he did it because 
im to. And so the assassin had 
. Oswald his Ruby. The 
id.shot man whispered that they should 
“Tell Mother I died for my country.” He 
weakened in agony, small cries. 

Herold and the others watched Booth 
die around seven a.t., ПІ days to the hour 
after Lincoln. After collecting his personal 
effects, they had the body sewn in a horse 
blanket. 1t went by wagon and ferry across 
the Rappahannock and on to find the 
alrys steamer, Along the way the 
wagon collapsed, dumping the body into 
a ditch. The stiffening corpse stayed some- 
times unguarded while the officers searched 
for a new wagon, then for a landing place 
for the stcamer. п Willie Jett 
escaped during a not to be recap- 
tured or а сапу May. By 
7th, the body ar- 
rived at Washington. There it and Herold 
were transferred to the monitor Montauk. 
Herold was ironed and hooded and put 
into the hold with some of the oth 
spirators. An autopsy was performed on 
Booth, for so was the punefying body iden- 
tified by a desk clerk, a dentist and а doc 
tor—all familiar with his di 
marks. However, close relat ing 
his brother Junius, imprisoned as а sus 
pected collaborator, were not summoned 
to identify the body—an oddity that 


г con- 


led later in the century to several mum- 
mified “Booths” touring with carnivals 
Then, even more oddly and on Stan- 


хоп orders, Lafayette and Luther Bak 
made a dumb show for the curious crowds 
of preparing to bury the body 
They lowered a shroud, weighted by 
cannon balls, to a skiff and rowed down- 
river. Stanton wanted no relic secking or 
Booth-thehero cult nonsense springing 
up. When the crowds dispersed, Booth's 
body was secretly buried in an ammo 
vault of Washington's Old Peniten- 
tiary. His last name was painted on the 
coffin cover. The result of Stanton's secre- 
cy. in one of history's ironies, was a mortal 
suspicion about Booth's г 
la i topsy myster 


sea. 


mystified 
Moped for 
ire of the reward 


hington and his sl 
as soon as Booth expired. He told Lafay- 
ette Baker the ker was ecstatic. Не 
rushed to tell Stanton. “We have got 
Booth,” he a unced. Stanton's reaction: 
He put his hands over his eyes and lay 
for nearly a moment without saying a 
word. Then he got up and put on his coat 
very coolly.” But when Baker next sid 


“Think metrically, Mr. Lester. Then it would 
be at least 100 millimeters long. . . ." 


228 


Siow sandas 
poem 
unamuoa 


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232 


“You don 


Booth w: d gave Stanton his 
effects, including the diary, the Secretary 
sprang to work. 

At Stanton's insistence, President John- 
son ordered a military tribunal for the 
Nine officers selected by 
Stanton would deliver the verdict. They 
included Lew Wallace, who later 
wrote an imitation of Christ called Ben- 
Hur. The prosecutors were headed by 
Judge Advocate General Joseph Holt, 
who reportedly once said, "Not enough 
Southern women have been hanged in the 
war." Immediate protests to a mil 
were 
But Stanton maintained the assassi 
was an act of war. By the time the tri 
began, he would have Jeff Davis i 
for it. Besides, a court-martial circumvented 
normal rules of evidence and other legal 
niceties. President Johnson did ask the 
Attorney General for a ruling on the le 
gality of the trial. It said everything was 
OK. Critics said it was judicial murder. 

They had reasons. "The trial began 
May 10, 1865. "Throughout, the conspira- 


tors and Southern leaders were inade 
quately represented. by lawyers, who 
offered feeble pleas of insanity for Paine, 


of stupid complicity for the others. The 
attorneys were reluctant to defend proved 
monsters, Herold and Paine were hope 
lessly guilty. Atzerodt had 
Johnson, leaving incrimin 


proof, other than his acquaintance with 
Booth and setting the assassin's leg. but 
that was enough. Spangler had shoved 


Booth's pursuers back into the theater, 
had called, “Thats not Booth" and, 
besides, had met with the killer, witnesses 


id. Mrs. Survatt—well, little except her 


feel it's too cute?” 


proximity to things plus Lloyd's and 
Weichmann's testimony about her bearing 
suspicious packages to Surrattsv 

The defendants came clanking е 
from solitary confinement in hoods 


nd 
irons 10 the dingy courtroom, where the 


hoods were removed, but they remained 
shackled except for Mrs. Surratt and were 
forbidden to testify freely, even to face the 
nesses. They heard. though, 
olficer-judges frequently interrupt. 
testimony with outrageous opinions of 
their guilt. They heard witnesses perjure 
themselves—notahly, a congenital liar 
led Sandford Conover (real name, Dun- 
ham), who claimed he'd observed the Con- 
federate cabinet plotting the assassination. 
Conover also instructed in perjury other 
Government witnesses, including spies, 
pimps. deserters and gamblers summoned 
to prove the defendants guilty. The Gov- 
ernment introduced patently phony letters 
ved from a bottle in the sca, 
id) to implicate Booth's band and 
the Southern leadersl a vast scheme 
directed from Canada. Holt hammered at 
the objective. evidence of the killing, pur- 
suit, capture. АШ were found guilty on 
June 30. On July sixth, the idu 
sentences were delivered. 

Jefferson Davis, et al. were to stay in 
prison. 
Mudd, Amold and O'Laughlin would 
ıd their lives in jail. 

Spangler got six years. 

Herold, Paine, Awerodt and Mrs. Sur- 
ratt were to hang 

So all was in order, except perh 
1. Women were revered 
meric. The press hadn't liked try 
Mis. Survatt at all, there seemed so little 
evidence, Now vehement protests burst 
out. But a deal for the woma 


spe 


ps the 


works. The tribunal would show that no 
one gets away with killing a President or 
thwarting Reconstruction but would for- 
ward a petition for mercy to President 
Johnson 

The President said he never got it. 
Маз. Surrat's daughter Anna, pleading 
for her mother’s life, was rebuffed at the 


White House the july 
seventh. Unbe the executions 
were set for that day, one day after 
sentencing. Andrew Johnson signed the 


order 


10:30 лм. And the traps fell at 
Atzerodt whimpered and cried 
ad. 
joked with guards, seized a st 
and put it on. He proclaimed Mrs. Sur- 
nocence. then said his last words, 

best.” to his hangman, 
га assured him he'd try to make it 
(As it was Paine slowly 

. his huge neck refusing to 


It was over for them, mostly over for 
the Government. 

It could leisurely pursue John Sur- 
ratt—he'd not been lured by his mother's 
plight—to England, to the Vatican (where 
he had enlisted as a papal Zouave guard), 
to Egypt, and eventually bring him back 
in 1867 to be tried by another phonied-up 
court and, miraculously, released after a 
jury failed to reach a verdict. 

Mudd, Arnold, O'Laughli 
ler, in a final twist by St 
verted from the prison 
York. to the pestilent 
cas own Devil's Isl. 
in the Dry Tortu 


and Spang- 
mon, were di- 
a Albany, New 
1 silence of Ameri- 
nd, at Fort Jefferson 
ıs. O'Laughlin died 
there of yellow fever in 1867. Mudd 
fought it as a physican and won. Не, 
Arnold and Spangler were pardoned in 
1869 by Johnson. Booth's body rotted until 
it was exhumed in 1869, identified again 
(or not) and reburied in the family plot 
in Baltimore. 

Those are the facts as a consensus of 
Lincoln scholars sees them. But, like 
Воо body, the questions will not stay 
buried. 


Here а 
so reminiscent of 


the most puzzling queries— 
the Kennedys, of 
King—hovering over Lincoln's assassi- 
nation. They em fiom the myriad 
accounts of the murder, including the 
latest: Weichmann's memoir, an alleged 
hypnotic reincarnation of Booth and the 
discovery of a code charging th 
s Lincoln's Judas and Booth 
he first question must 
Booth's conspirators 
of others who might want the Admin 
uation beheaded? Any answer 

Booth's possible moti We've seen 
his egocentricity. "I must | he 

i And he told 
ling (if it were needed) that 


itus. 
Were 


be, 
ng independently 


said as a bo! 
before re 


he was Booth, “It was done for ety.” 
But can this Oswald onale be all? 
His voice, hence career. was failing in 


1865, but a frustrated lust for fame and 


have been 
l- 


1 not 
t impulse for assassin 
s speculate that Preside: 
s—and Booth, we recall, was our 
first—may kill to rid the ion of the 
“bad father” who had promised them 
much, delivered litte and punished 
severely. lı could be that Booth's father, 
with his fame, with his long absences, 
was the progenitor of Wilkes's hate (the 
de of the love denied). Yet how 
yone prove th: 
It is simpler. maybe more accurate, to 
ascribe his acts 10 Confederate p: sm. 
In January 1865, Booth left a letter 
with his well-loved sister Asia and her 
stige-comedian husband, John Sleeper 
Clarke. It outlined kidnap plots and 
sweatily prodaimed his love for the “old 
flag.” now besmirched under Lincoln, He 
igned it "A Confederate doing his duty 
upon his own responsibility.” Along with 
getting Clarke jailed for a while, this 
letter could be Booth’s honest declaration 
of his motives. Except . . . except that in 
Booth’s trunk, the police found a Con- 
federate secret cipher and other docu- 
ments. including letters, that may well 
have been in code. Paine, when саца 
was сатуіһ а pocket dictionary. He 
intellectual, but Noah Web- 
ster was often used as a code book. And 
hour the investigation of the con- 
су. letters and pamphlets surfaced 
that kept mentioning oil, cotton, horses. 
intelligence officers knew these as 
Confederate underground code words, and 
so they wondered. They mused, too, over 
Booth's frequent writings to and about 
his "mother." even his dying words could 
have been code. 
there were Booth's several trips 
ada, where resided a mysterious 
ver explained and so а pos- 
ct. There were coincidences 
the rebel raiders struck New 
rk just after Booth had visited their 
chief city of Montreal and while he himself. 
in New York playing in Julius Caesar. 
escape from Washington, Booth 
had the aid of men who were part of the 
underground conduit. His most able fel- 
low plotter was John Surratt, а profes- 
nal spy. 
Further, where did Booth get the 
money to support the conspiracy (a ques- 
n asked of many American assassins: 
notably. James Earl Ray)? In late 1864 
ad early 1865, his performances were 
few. He had had money before, as much 
as $20,000 a year, but his expenses were 
high. He sought to sell some oil shares (oil, 
again), in June 1864, but that venture was 
fruitless. What about the infamous Con- 
federate operatives such as Messrs. Howell 
and Ficklin, who dealt in " and "cot- 
ton” and at least one of whom had visited 
Mrs, Surratt’s? It could have been that 
Booth was a fully certified spy, working 
under a perfect cover as a loudmouthed, 
hard-d an, whose 


tion. Fı 


seemed no 


profession gave him free access to theaters 
and agents both North and South 

But even if Booth were а spy, there 
is no evidence that he was directed to 
kill Lincoln. In fact, all the physical evi- 
dence, however contradictory in other 
ways, suggests he decided on it independ- 
ently. And that suggests he was either a 
damned poor spy or none at all. We 
have our choice of motive nity or 
patriotism or congenital madness (his 
eccentric father, named after the heroic 
foe of Rome's Tarquin tyrants, was called 
Mad Booth—and when Wilkes was 
cused of Lincoln's assassin; 
friend said he wasn't surpr "all the 
mn Booths are crazy"). or as a pro- 
nal hit man or, most improbably, as 
an avenger. That last comes from the tale 
that Lincoln's assassination avenged the 
hanging of John Y. . a Confer 
erate officer executed for muf 
on a Union prisoner train near Buffalo. 
The story goes that Booth and Beall were 
school friends, h Canada 
and that when Beall w 
went to V gton to implor 
to spare him. On his knees, he bı 
coln and won his friend's pardon, or so he 
thought. When Beall died anyway, Booth 
resolved to kill Lincoln. Unfortunately, 
it seems that a sca ated 
this motivation. 
rly 


Lincoln 
ged Li 


tion directly with the Confederate Gov- 


ernment. Though it point of law 
that nol doing something to prevent the 
ng can be construed as conspiracy (as 
with current suspicions in the Kennedy 
killings), that seems tenuous, since Davis 
repeatedly repudiated the act. not to men- 
tion serving time for it. The Confederates 
may have known about the attempts 
(from £ courier), even have 
wished it well. but they may also have 
wished it would go away. especially 


rkably simi 
incoln 


10 Booth’s—to 
» 1864 with wh 
enterprise could have int 
one can show that Davis and hi 
ordered Lincoln dead. Indeed. 
mented as the full fist of St 
construction fell on the South. 
the basic rule of assassination between 
countries has, since the Greeks, been that 
the weaker docs not assassinate the strong- 
er (a point to consider when speculating 
that Castro ordered. J.F.K. eliminated). 
Reconstruction was an example. The 
South t benefit from Lincoln's 
death. 

Who might have benefited. then? 

Some believe Lincoln died in a Roman 
holic conspiracy. It’s fact that Booth 
nd Arnold were schooled by Catholics 

a Maryland) and that John 
nd Mudd were de- 
vout Catholics (as was Weichm: 
schoolmate оГ Surat's in 
seminary). When Surratt slipped ой to 


idnap 


h Booth's чаду 
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234 


Canada, he found refuge with Canadian 
priests and he later found employme: 
Also, Mrs. Surratt's confessor 
in her death cell was ordered by his arch- 
bishop never to reveal what she had told 
him—an extraordinary measure, consider- 
ing the traditional confidentiality of the 
confession. Consider ihat many priests 
denounced Lincoln's попѕесгатіап deism 
and that the Church tolerated the Confed- 
eracy. But nowhere in these coincidences 
is proof of a Catholic plot except in 
American minds still steeped in Plymouth 
Colony bigotry. The Roman Catholics 
could not gain by Lincoln's death. 

Equally likely, and more racy, are the 


nived in the murder of her husband. 
Mary was vain, extravagant, jealou 
bossy and she had one brother, thrce half- 
brothers and three brothers-in-lew serving 
the Confederates, one of whom— David 
odd—brutalized Yankee prisoners at 
Richmond. It's true that by 1865 she 
owed 527,000 in dothing bills which 
could make her vulnerable to blackm: 
It’s true that people who hated her called 
her "two thirds proslavery and the rest 
secesh" and whispered that she was а spy 
for the rebels. [t's run id that while in 
the White House, watching a son die and 
a husband age. she had two love affairs, 
including one with a gardener. And, most 
damning, it’s true that it was Mary Todd 
Lincoln who requested that John Е. 
be exempted hom the draft and 
igned to the White House detail as 
the President's bodyguard. Parker, who 
stood check to jowl with Booth at Tal- 
tavul’s saloon the night of April 14, leav- 
ing the President unguarded. Strangely, 
though, he escaped reprimand from 
Stanton for his negligence; perhaps he re- 
deemed himself with his arrest of a wan- 
dering whore the next morning. But even 
accepting half the rumors about Mary, in- 
cluding an inexplicable fondness for 
Parker, we cannot maintain with objective 
evidence that she betrayed Lincoln. On 
the contrary. there is much to prove she 
loved him deeply. Until she died. half- 
mad in Springfield in 1882, she did noth- 
ig that supported her accusers’ i 
fact, she continually accused P: 
treachery. Nor has any credible evidence 
псе come to light to make her Lincoln's 
Clytemnestra. 
Certainly more plausible is the case 
inst Andrew Johnson. Orchestrated by 
id the Radicals, the seditiou 
started before the funeral cortege de- 
posited Lincoln's body in Springfield. The 
abolitionists, at first satisfied with John- 
son's anti-South tirades and the Surratt 
xeculion, soon saw this 
from Tennessee was i 


th; 


and raple ment the ignor 
policies. They claimed 
had benefited most from 
tion. Exhibit A was Booth’s 


that Johnson 
the assassina 
aling card, 


It still is. Why had Booth left it? It may 
have been for Johnson's secretary, whom 
Booth knew and could use for informa- 
tion. Perhaps he hoped for a pass through 
the Washington pickets (but why. if he 
were a spy.—it's said he had а forgery in 
Grant's name). Was Booth renewing an 
old acquaintanceship made in Nashville, 
where rumor once had Booth and Johnson 
keeping sisters 


Johnson and thus cripple the new Pres- 
idency (but why, if Atzerodt was to kill 
Johnson)? Was the card a lure to get him 
out where he could Бе killed? It could even 
be that Atzerodt was an unwitting decoy 
(assigned by whom?) who would simul- 
ously throw off pursuers and implicate 
Johnson. We have no answers. 

In any event, Stanton's party assailed 
the new President. It said his drunken- 


self for the murder or kidnaping 
he expected th 
Booth's card was а signal of intent, that 
Johnson's brief appearance at Lincoln’ 
deathbed convicted him of hcartlessness, 
that his alleged drunkenness the next 
morning, his appearance, suggested he had 
palavered that night with the killers, 
Harnessed to Johnson's avowed Presiden- 
ial ambitions, this was powerful, circum 
stantial stuff. Stories wi offered that 
Johnson was not in his room on the Mth 
(because, presumably, he had a hand i 
illing Lincoln). That Stanton had coi 
fided after the shooting that he thought 
Johnson was party to it. That Mrs. Sur- 
ч had perished to protect Johnson 
who'd ignored her petition for 
When Johnson escaped convicti 
impeachment, every abolitionist weapon 
had been used against him. But there was 
not then, nor is there now, proof that the 
17th President plotted to kill the 16th. 
Rather, Johnson tried to continue Lit 
coln's policies and even kept nton until 
1867. when he finally fired his dour Sec- 
retary and bitter enemy. 

In Lincoln's time, these theories— 
Booth as rebel spy. a Catholic conspiracy. 
Mary did it and Johnson did ii пей 
great support. They flourished in the 
climate of uncertainty and in the mad 
distress generated by a fratricidal war. 


Today, we have similar weather, com- 
pounded of ass Vietnam 
Watergate, in which, because so many 


things have happened., we assume 
thing could be, however cloudy. Yet his- 
tory may tell us, as it ha 
scholars, that such contempo heories 
are quaint pa . nurtured in vapors 
soon to dissipate. In Lincoln's ease, there 
is just one stubborn, weighty storm front 
it hovers around Edwin Stanton and 
him a murderer. 
The a тат: 
that Stanton 


I evidence suggesting 
betrayed Lincoln ranges 
from absurd to credible. The recent 
hypnotic reincarnation of Booth exempli 
fies the silly anti-Stanton stuff. Out of the 


mouth of a farm boy named Wesley (a 
sort of bucolic Bridey Murphy) comes 
Booth to say Stanton was a secret member 
of the Knights of the Golden Circle— 
that rococo bunch of secesh gallants who 
took their name from a cirde centered in 
which Caribbean port was 


Booth at Garrett's farm and the subse- 
quent successful escape of the actor to 
England, where he lived for before 
dying, lonely. in Calais, France. Wesley 
doesn't vouchsafe precisely how all this 
was accomplished. nor docs he seem to 
realize that such murder-and-escape stories 
are mythi 
Neverthele: 
reasonable. 
he was an unlovable man, whose 
behavior as Buchanan's Auorney General 
nd Lincoln's War Secretary caused С 
con Welles (Secretary of the Navy) to 
record: “He has cunning and skill, dis- 
sembles his feelings . . . is a hypocrite.” 
Welles did not add, though he might 
have, that Stanton alo was peculiar in 
some ways. He once dug up the body of 

vorite servant girl to look on her 
. He exhumed his daughter's body 
and kept it, suitably contained in metal, 
n his room for a year. the better to 
mourn, When his wile died, he dresed 
her for burial in clothes like those she'd 
been married in. He slept with her night- 
gown and cap beside him. Coupled with 
boundless ambition, such necrophilia 


a 


could produce a dangerous Secretary of 
War, 

Certainly, there is little doubt that 
Stanton wanted to succeed Lincoln either 
dectorally or as the South's military dic- 
ator, He had three major obstacles: the 
he 


м: 


r. Lincoln and Johnson. The war 
prolonged, then won. His accusers 
he felt threatened. though. by 1 
growing popularity. and so he Че 
strike by assassination—if not directly, 
then by allowing it to happen. God knew, 
he had warned Lincoln often enough. Cui 
bono? the accusers ask. Well, the Gov- 
ernment’s most powerful officers were 
Lincoln, Johnson, Seward, Stanton, The 
first three were targets and Stanton’s rivals 
for power, and although Stanton's defend 
ers strain to establish that desperadocy 
went to the Secretary's door that 
evidence is otherwise. Only Sta 
servant. proci 1 that shadowy 
arked on the steps, seemed to be рий 
ab the Secretary's broken doorbell— 
mecha} failure that saved Stanton. 
was said. The men who brought word of 
Booth's shot to Stanton’s house said the 
doorbell worked just fine. Why would 
Stanton want to establish that he, too, w 
a target? Why did the conspirators miss 
him, while getting to Lincoln and Seward? 

Perhaps they thought Stanton was too 


well protected. But they could have seen 
otherwise. If, indeed, O'Laughlin had, as 
the Government said, scouted Grant on 
the 13th (and found him well protected), 
someone could also have found that Stan- 
ton was unprotected. He was conscious of 
security, certainly. He did tell Grant not 
to go to Our American Cousin. and the 
Grants promptly left town “to see their 
children,” one of whom was in Washing 
ton. He told Lincoln that Major Eckert 
could not accompany the President as 
rd. The questions come: Could 
Stanton have been protecting men he 
wanted to live and was he safe himself 
because he was a plouer? Did Grant leave 


now it, too. Weichmann's 
at least a month before 
specified that men gath 
Surrat's were plotting 
All such threats were re- 
ported to the War Department and pre- 
sumably then to Stanton. Did he regard 
that one as routine because there had 
been so many? If so, why had Mrs. Sur- 
mat's—according to War Department 
records—been under surveillance for a 
month before the killing? Was the failure 
to act the mistake of а clumsy bureauc 
тасу or part of a plan 

И planned, Stamon's April Mth re- 
fusal of Eckert as Lincoln's bodyguard 
makes sense. Stanton told the President 
the redoubtable major had urgent busi- 
ness. That night, Stanton ate supper, 
visited the bedfast Seward and went 
home. Eckert just went home. They шау 
merely have been avoiding a tedious eve- 
ning. yet the suspicion grows. Feeding it 
are the many statements бот other of- 
ficials. such as Provost Marshals David 
па. and Ward Lamon, dut they be- 
lieved someone high up knew of the com- 
ion attempt. Yet that, 100, 
may well be hindsight—particularly if 
Booth's diary is 10 be believed and he 
didn decide to kill Lincoln until the 
I2th or so (more perplexin, 
le after ıhe 
And Ше 
nguarded except by 
ady Major Rathbone. His body- 
s drinking. His valet, Charles 
Forbes, may have been in the Бох 
authorities disagrec—but whatever, he was 
scarcely suited for dealing with homicidal, 
gymnastic actors. 

Return, then, to the diary. That should 
establish whether Booth acted alone. The 
trouble is, it was delivered to Stanton 

Попе, by Lafayette. Baker. right after it 
was taken from Bootl's body. Only one 
journalist in 1865 even mentioned its ex 
istence, It was not offered in evidence at 
the tribunal's show trial! It just vanished 
from the War Department files and didn't 
reappea 

at the 


report, 
the assis: 


тесе 


nat 
g ar Mrs. 
mst Lincoln 


sistence of his 
discovered then that 18 pages were missing, 


cut out of the section cover 


ag the days 


immediately preceding the assassi 
Booth's diary was like Nixon's 

Consider. also. the peculia 
Booth’s escape. Why was the most logical 
escape route left unguarded and open. 
while the Northern roads were quickly 
blocked? Did Stanton want Booth to es- 
cape? Had he provided the conspirators 
with the password to get over the Navy 
Yard Bridge? The Southern route was 
open and the pursuit down it was handi- 
capped by conflicting orders from the War 
Department (Major O'Beirne's detach- 
ment was within a few miles of Booth on 
the 23rd, when it was recilled). How- 
ever, it's equally true that Atzerodt went 
North and made it through the check 


points. 
Anyway, why would Stanton have 
wanted Booth to escape? So his men 


could catch him, after being tipped ofl? 
How did the Cavalry find Jett so quickly? 
Was Baker's "deduction. bout. Garrett's 
flimflam? Stanton did bless Boston Cor- 
bett as a “patriot” and let him go. despite 
orders that Booth was ло be 
and that anyone who shot the 


n alive 
tor would 


be severely punished. But maybe Stanton's 
deep religiosity welled up for Corbett. 
Maybe Stanton's cool reaction to Booth's 
death was not relief but pain. Perhaps. 
as many think. Booth made good his 
pledge not to be taken alive. The position 
nd, the supposedly small 
caliber of the slug indicated a pistol—not 
Corbett carbine—and so Wilkes may 
have made his own exit while Corbett 
bhed for gle 

Did the disrupted telegraphy service on 
the Hh. bear on Sranton's implied com 
plicity? His accusers say it was his inten- 
tion to create the impression of a 
Iagescale Confederate operation, thus to 
create panic in which he could usurp 
power. Perhaps he didn't want rumors to 
spread before fact did. If so. the rebuuers 
ask, how соте some Northern communi- 
s broke the news of Lincoln's assas- 
ation the afternoon of the Lith before 
it had happened? Unless mental telepathy 
at work, someone else was. Did Stan 
5 people err and let slip what was co 
ing? Did the reports come from the 
Confederate underground? The Gold 


PLAYBOY 


236 


le? The local priest? We don't know. 
ad never will. it seems 

Even Booth’s body assails Stanton. To 
this day, legends persist that it was not 
Booth shot in the barn, not his body 
Stanton buried. Wesley, the hypnotized 
farm hand, says Wilkes rests in Calais. 
Some think Boots body was lost on the 
to Washington. In 1870, a man call- 
ing himself John St. Helen claimed to be 
Booth (he accused Andy Johnson), and 
in 1905. when a man called David E. 
George died in Enid, Oklahoma, it was 
said that St. Helen and George were the 
same man and both were Booth, The 
body was embalmed and shown for dec- 
ades at carnivals, Several Confederate 
soldiers said Booth had escaped, contacted 
them and died in Texas, 

ico, Virgini, 
atives and self-styled “grandchildren” 
have asserted Booth survived. O'Beirne 
reportedly said he knew that three men 
were in the barn and one had gotten 
away. Hadn't "Booth" looked surprised 
when his name was called? Hadn't Herold 
said at first it wasn’t Booth with him? 
à, these are usual hallu ns after 
tling killings. The trouble is, such 
ions ignore ones doser to Stanton. 
For example, why didn't Wilkes's brother 
Junius Brutus, Jr. identify the body, 
since he was so handy to the monitor, 
being in the Old Capitol Prison under 
suspicion? Why was Booth identified by 


angers? Why did Dr. M. 
who did the autopsy of Booth, first say it 
looked nothing like him, then identily 
him by a scar on his neck? Why, then, 
did the Surgeon General obliterate the 
scar by removing some of Booth's verte 
brae (in still another eerie resemblance, 
ics of the Warren Report say the Ken- 
nedy autopsy reports are irregular, cor 
tadictory, even falsified)? What happened 
to the lady admirer who is said to have 
bribed her way onto the monitor and 
snipped a lock of Booth's hair, only to 
discover the hair was auburn while 
Воо was raven black? Why was there 
controversy over his y im 1869, 
when the body was exhumed and shown 
to the family? Well. legends die hard, 
and John Wilkes Booth is one of them. 
Inquiries over his death were complicated 
by Stanton’s desire for secrecy, by the 
surreptitious burial to prevent hero wor- 
ship—an act that in itself is part of а 
p. Stanton’s adversaries insist. 
d his testimony secretly 
interred, the matter of truth was left to 
people like Weichmann. His memoir 
written in the 1890s and drawing heavily 
on contemporary histories—insists on the 
guilt of Surratt, Mis. Surratt, Booth and 
all the rest. As for Stanton, he calls him 
a on and blood" (appropri- 


“The boys located a short in yonr high- 
voltage wire, Mr. Bates.” 


postirial experience, Weichmann writes: 
“When the ordeal was over, Edwin М. 
Stanton, who had sternly called me to 
count, became my friend and protector 
and was only too glad to accord me the 
justice which I had won by my con- 
duct. . . 7 One is tempted to ask, What 
conduct? except as an informer who knew 
Booth and his antiLincoln aowd and 
who reported them before Stanton's boss 
killed. What other secrets 
dimann have? And if the Govern- 
ment's case rested оп stooges, isn’t it odd 
that Stanton did not summon as witnesses 
or defendants the several other people 
who assisted Booth: Matthews, Chester, 
Jones, Cox, odd people like an Anni 
Ward, whom Weichmann reported as very 
suspicious in her dealings with Booth? 
Why not question Booth's mistresses, cor 
respondents, business associat 
Possibly 
(though he v 
th his investi 
ing only those he could prove were in- 
volved. His police brought in buggyloads 
of suspected conspirators, but they were 
released with the Nixonian fiat that fur- 
ther investigation “was not compatible 
with the public interest.” That only led 


skeptics 10 more questions. 
Was there another conspirator shadow- 


ing Giant? Booth couldn't shoot both 
Grant and Lincoln with at single-shot der- 
ringer. In fact, had Grant and his military 
escort attended the theater, Booth would 
have had а hard time getting to the 
President. 

Why had Stanton not followed up his 
departments immediate leads—its forc- 
knowledge of the Surratts, the report of 
Booth and Herold's flight South? Surratts 
ville was South, But they didn't make 
arrests there until Mon 

Why was there no sus 
John Surat? Stanton knew where he 
was, could have had him arrested in 
pool just after his escape from Canada. Yee 
Stanton revoked the reward for him. Was 
the Secretary trying to cool the situation 
or was he afraid? It turned out that Sur- 
тай said nothing about Lincoln's ass 
sination when finally tried. Why? 

Could other witnesses establish а 
between Stanton 
have met at the Second Inaugural I 
since Booth was there with his Si 
daughter and Stanton had been invi 

Why was Edwin's photo, not Wilkes's, 
shown 10 witnesses? Whatever the reason, 
mificaions of 
) more skepti 


tie 
nd Booth? They could 


it confused. eyewit 
Booth, 


Why did witnesses Rathbone 
s change their testimony be 
tween April 15 
statement that someone had called at the 
Presidential box less than an hour before 
g with a message for the Pr 
dent? If this were so, why wasn't Parker's 
absence noted then? Or was the messig 


nd May 10 to exclude а 


signal to Parker that someone waited 
outside? 

Why did the depo 
nesses disappear, such as Lafayette 
Why did Stanton's prosecutors feel 
pelled to manufacture evidence to 


s. but probably 
Even if Stanton did con- 
ceal the truth, those who survived could 
have uncovered it later. None did. Unless 
we can accept as true a recent flare from 
the banked fires of this mystery. 

In 1957. a Mr. Ray Nell discovered 
what seems to be a code inserted by La- 
fayette C. Baker in a bound volume of 
Colburn'’s United Service Magazine for 
late 1864. In this British military journal, 
Nel supposedly deciphered a 
dated February 5, 1868 
ton was Lincoln's Judas and that he, 
Baker, was in danger from Judas’ agents. 
It went on to say Booth committed. the 
Асса as Brutus, with Judas’ aid, A second 
message was also deciphered that said 
that "Есеп [Ecken] had made all the 
contacts, the deed to be done on the 1th. 
1 did not know the identity of the assas- 

but I knew most all ele when I 
approached E. S. about it." The rem 
der laid the murder on Stanton, Ше mo- 
tivation being Lincoln's dec 

13 to allow the Virgi 
be tescated to decide on again joining the 
Union. The plot, according to this code, 
involved more than 50 people, including 
businessmen who wished to profit from the 
South's dismemberment, Army and Navy 
officers, a gove “at least 11 Mem- 
bers of Congress. 

This cipher has never been discredited. 
Tt was а common Civil War code. Its mes- 
sages jibe with Booth’s i 
the size of the plot (even with Wesley's 
hypnotic remouthing of them). The mo- 
tive is plausible. Booth’s politics were well 
known. He could have been used by sub 
ig on his sense 
of "honor" Baker's signature following 
the magazine ciphers is certified genuine. 
Such а plot would explain the cover-up 
nd the subsequent attempts on Baker's 
which culminated in 1868 
from what resembled 
poisoning. But it would not expla 
such a far-flung conspiracy failed exposure 
п the years following. 

Indeed, in all the years, we are left 
with the questions. Some silly. some per- 
tinent, all unsettling. As of today, we must 
be content with what we know and not 
trust too much what we suspect. Yes, Lin- 
coln may have been Stanton's pigeon, or 
some other group's, or it could have been 
as the Government said—Booth and his 
erry men. All we know with cer- 
tainty is that in Booth's character, in the 
questionable aspects of the assassination, 
we find th I our political 
killings since. To understand that, we 


sin, 


or and * 


Weichmann stood on his testimony un- 
til his death in 1902, though he suffered 
nervousness and harassment until the end. 

John Surratt, after his trial, worked as 
an auditor in Baltimore. He revealed 
nothing new about the assassi 
to his death in 1916 of n 

Edwin M. Stanton died in 1869, 
personal ambitions unfulfilled. Н 
litionism won, however. Its morality 
triumphed, though it spawned strong re- 
actions that have swam upstream to u 
The cause of his death was debated. Some 
vowed he slit his threat, others that he 
passed naturally. 

John Lloyd died an alcoholic, saying 
he'd testified against the conspir 
pain of death. 

Dr. Mudd lived honorably until 1882. 
The fight to clear his name gocs on today. 

Edward Spangler, sick with tb. from 
sheltered by Mudd 


his 


ors on 


1906. Mudd, Ar- 
nold said before dying, told him he had 
ection with Booth’s conspiracy. 
m Seward lived until 1872 as a 
grand old statesman. 

Jefferson Davis was released from pris- 
on in 1868, went off to Europe, returned 
to the United States and died in 1889. 

Themen who turned Anna Surratta, 


mitted suicide soon alter the executions. 

Major Rathbone married Miss Harris, 
moved to Germany, 
murdered his wile. He died i 
asylum. 

Willie Jett became a traveling salesman. 
He died of syphilis. 

Boston Corbet, the religious fanatic 


a lunatic 


a DIRTY 
Person) Like 
You SHOULDNT 
Be BUILDING 
CHRISTMAS 


Hev,cHler, 
INeeD a 


who had castrated himself the better 
to resist sin. wandered awhile, became a 
doorman for the Kansas legislature and 
one day fired two pistols into the crowded 
chamber. He was put into an asylum, es- 
aped and vanished—some say to peddle 
patent medicine. 

"Thomas Eckert became an indust 
the telegraph business а 
later a judge іп Texas. Не died in 1910. 
dwin Booth paid Garret for hi 
burned-down barn and continued а 
Americas greatest ador. Не and all his 
family suffered ignominy because of Joh 
Wilkes, whom Edwii 
Ed: died 
ing the era of the Booths. 

Abraham Lincoln w 
field after the gr 
tion had seen. 
of another planned kidnaping in 1876— 
to be held for ransom—but the plot was 
discovered and the perpetrators im- 
prisoned. The $75 coffin was buried under 
steel and concrete in 1901. That year it 
was opened for the last time. Lincoln 
seemed to have changed very little 
appearance, 

What had changed was / 
had murdered our first Preside 
Illinois State Register said or 
“The effect of this terrible blow cannot 
now be estimated.” It was easy enough to 
yoke the South in recompense for Booth's 
act. It was less casy to regain our inno- 
cence. In the years that followed, we found 
it was lost forever in the mystery of our- 
selves, We can say that our first assa: 
tion was the hardest. After Lincoln, we 
knew ho 


This is the first in a series of articles on 
political assassination in America, 


PLAYBOY 


238 


IT HELPS ME RELAX 


been in the corners of Baby Joe Gans, 


Kid Chocolate, Henry Armstrong, Joe 
Louis, knew the habits of Jack Johnson, 
Sam Langford. Jack Dempsey. Harry 


Wills, had been an Olympic boxing coach 
and had come to camp for my 1970 fight 
with Ellis. I was amazed at his de 
knowledge of every aspect of a fighter’ 
lle. 

On sex acti 


ties for fighters.” Wiley 
admitted, “I'm of the old school. You find 
most prize fighters have enormous sex 
drives. I've seen the time when you had to 
feed some of them saltpeter to keep them 
cooled off, They build up this tremendous 
store of vitality and drive, and just a few 
rounds in the ring is not enough release.” 
How about Liston?" someone asked. 
"How was he?" 

"One of the worst," Wiley said. “Liston 
used to take his sex drive out on oppo 
nents. | heard they told Liston that Lena 
Home would sce him if he whipped Pat- 
terson, that the only thing standing be- 
tween him and Lena was Floyd. He 
shtered. Patterson in the first round in 
ame 
tell- 


out al 


ing for him, but if he didn't knock 
his opponent out by the third. she 
wouldn't see him. Then they'd set a wom- 
n at ringside, and at the end of the scc 
ond round, she'd get up and walk down 
the aisle and they'd whisper to ton, 
"Well, there you go. You lost your chance." 
Liston would hurry to get the fight over.” 

“L heard you had trouble with Sugar 
one reporter said. 
Don't believe it. At his peak, Sugar 
Ray was the best-disciplined fighter in the 
trade. He valued his looks too much to 
take a chance on getting hurt in the ring. 
When it came time for him to stop, his 
will power was like iron. He could sleep 
next to Venus without touching her. But 
some of my others . . ." Wiley groaned. 
Uncontrollable 
Kid Chocola someone asked. 
id Chocolate was bad, an awful 
hound. Joe Gans was. too. But the worst 
Lever had was Henry Armstrong. How he 
ever won and held three world titles w 
all the women he went through. . . 
Wiley shook head, "A glutton. Almost 
as bad as Sonny Liston, I blame a big 
part of Joc Louis’ dedinc on his getting 
100 much. 
he only fighter I ever saw just the 
opposite was light heavy champion John 
Henry Lewis. I remember John Henry 
Lewis manager, Gus Greenlee, calling me 
in, telling me how upset he was over 
Lewis listlessness, his unresponsiveness. 
1 took Lewis aside, asked him when w 
the woman, 
‘Over a year,’ he said. 

“I screamed to Gus, ‘Listen 
got to get laid!" 

“Then we got a wom: 


Ki 


ast time he'd had 


this guy's 


Like good 


(continued from page 166) 


medicine, he got better. Of course, Lewis 
was unusual like that.” Wiley tumed to 
Pacheco [Ali's ringside doctor]. who 
known me ever since 1 first came to Miami. 
You heard of any like that, Doc?” 

Pacheco laughed. “The closest I could 
come to that was Muhammad Ali in those 
ауз when he was Cassius Clay. His Lo 
ville sponsors had him staying at a hotel 
on Second Avenue, a hotel loaded with 
hustlers and prostitutes. going 
They'd come up to 
"What you want, kid? You 
ssy? Let me get you 
somebody. Whatever you need, we got 
And hed tum ‘em down stone-cold, not 
a bit of interest. Even when they 
ийй to wick him to take a picture with 
his arms around a broad, he'd jump away 
as if they'd asked him to pose next to 
Hitler.” He shook his head as if those 
s were long gone. "In fact, it got so 
[around Second Avenue that for years 
hustlers thought he was a funny. 

^ "Yon know, I think this guy may be a 
little queer.’ one hustler told me. 
be he don't know it yet, but I think we 
could turn this guy.’ He winked. "Man," 
1 told him, as 1 knew this hustler—he had 
come to my office many times to get a 
shot or а prescription—'man. leave the 
new kid alone, for Christ's sake." 

“But the guy won't do a thing with 
women,’ the hustler tells me. "This guy 
got to be funny. 

Ali's not like John Henry Lewis, but 
in those days he had only one thing in 
mind—winning the championship. TI 
why the gamblers bet on young Cassius, I 
knew the best ampa, and 
I wish I'd taken hi е. When he first 
sized up Cassius, he came and told me, 
"There's a kid just come down here named 
Clay. |f you bet on him every 
time he fights, you'll be a rich man, 'cause 
he won't lose a single fight. I believe his 
s sexual control. And he's got it. 
In those days, Sonny Liston was con- 
sidered the coming power, Floyd Patter- 
le, but the gambler told me 
this kid would go through Floyd and. Lis- 


ton amd hed go through every heavy- 
weight up there or who was coming up. 
He'd never lose a fight. ‘I tell you, I go 


ambler said, “I 
? control his 


by his sex control the 
n it. Any kid who 


believe 


sius and you'll come home т 

I wish I had listened to that guy 
There was а headwaiter at a big hotel i 
Los Angeles who did just that. He started 
out with a hundred-dollar bet on Cassius. 
Then he doubled the winnings every 
fight. Soon he had enough to buy him- 
self a Cadillac convertible and his wife a 
Mercede: and all that before. Cas- 
sius fought Liston. 

“After the Liston fight. I saw him and I 
said, "You must have really gouen well 


h Sonny Liston’s fight” He just smiled 
nd said, ‘Man, don't even talk about it. I 
don't think ТЇЇ work for the rest of my 


life’ He said 0 pline and self. 

control was the thing that would make 

Cassius a champion. It's the discipline 
ad self-control that makes it—— 


“I don't agree with that at all,” Bundini 
[Drew Brown ant trainer, Ali's cor- 
ner man] cut in. He had been sitting si- 
lent all the time and listening to the 
trainers. “It's not that at all. It's freakish- 
ness that makes a champion 

They all turned and looked at him as 
he sat there with his bleary eyes and baby 
face, the only thing innocent about hin 
otherwise, he's the most thoroughly pro- 
fane person I've ever met, inside boxing 
cles and out. 

"Every champion I've ever known is a 
freak,” Bui though he was the 
undisputed Chen he named the 
great fighters he had been associated with, 
names I won't mention only because they 
would be shocked to be defined like thi 

Freakishness crawls out of their litte fin- 
ger. It's in all their bones and down to 
the tip of their toes. They can't help it. 
That's the thing that makes а champion. 
Now, you take Mel Turnbow over there.” 
He pointed to Turnbow, one of the 


strongest fighters in the ring but one who 
always had trouble keeping himself from 
being knocked out. 

Turnbow, 


66” giant from Ohio, 
ıi and came over with his odd 
pants that always seem too 
nd never quite long enough for 


tight 
his legs. 
Bundi 


frowned. “You're built too 
strange to be wearing store-bought clothes. 
You ought to have your clothes t 
made. Ain't no store-bought clothes 
world that'll fit your ass and size. 

“I buy ‘em olf the rack, just 
do." Turnbow retorted. 

“That's why you look so peculiar," 
Bundini said. “It’s a good thing you're a 
prize fighter and youre strong. The way 
those pants make your ass jog—God! Let's 
hope you never get put in jail—all that 
round-eye goin’ to waste, you turn even 
me into a sodomite.” 
ibow stood up defensively, as 
Bundini was really prepared to 
rape him. 

What Dow 


going to say," Bundin 
went on, "is that even with all those mus 
cles and power, long arms, the thing that's 

g from Turnbow is he's not à freak. 
There's not a freakish bone in his body." 
He shook his head sadly, as though he was 
giving a profound opinion. 

When Wiley wanted to read opinions 
on the subject from scientists, he was 
shown the response from Dr. Warren R. 
Guild of Harvard Medical School, who 
had done extensive research on the effect 
of physical intercourse on athletes. Dr. 
Guild wrote: “I 1 were Muhammad А 
physician (which obviously 1 am not), I 
not only would not discourage him about 


md 


“If you think you're lonely, put yourself 
in my place. Here's the key." 


PLAYBOY 


240 


sex, I would be on the positive side, defi- 
nitely recommend and encourage him to 
have intercourse with his wife a night or 
two before the bout to ensure better sleep 
nereased vigor for the competi- 
bove response is a summary of 
ject, the details of 
nto, as they 

intercourse, 


and have 
tion. The 
our studies on this s 
which 1 will not go 
complicated. Physic 
Guild concluded, "does not in any way 
sap one's strength or make one weak." 

Then a reporter told Wiley that М 
ters and Johnson and psychologist V 
liam Harper supported Dı. 

The old trainer, who had e: 

and worked in the corners of the gr 
fighters for two generati t thought- 
fully for a while, said hı veanalyzing 
the case of Baby Joc Gans, of the 
strongs, the Langfords, the Harry Willses, 
and finally concluded, “I don’t believe 
the doctors understand what builds up ir 
side a fighter. A litle piece to 
athlete is all right, but prize fighters don't 
play around with small-size pieces. They 
never researched real prize fighters. T 
have" 

Angelo Dundee [Ali's chief trainer] nod- 
ded in agreement. “Without it a fighter 


Deck the halls with marijuana, 


gets mean, angry, willing, anxious to fight. 
With it he purrs like a pus 

chological, maybe, more u 
You keep a fighter away fron 
keep him ding bags, punch- 
ing fighters day in and day out, and when 
he gets in the ring, he's ready to take it all 
out on his opponent. 

"Who wants to fight after good lovi 
All wars are brought about by leaders who 
never had good loving. Take Hitler, Mus- 
solini, Napoleon. How about all those 
hawks? Those who fuck well want to be 
peaceful. We can't have prize fighters like 


T 


A fighter who has sex regular, the way 
these doctors talk, would be a placid, 
going pussycat with no drive, no reent- 
ment, no anger. The doctors don't know 
Ше fight game.” 

Now that I am near the end of my с 
veer, the controversy rages on just as it did 
when I stepped into the ring at the age of 
12. The only difference being, now when 
1 dimb the steps for the fight, I hope the 
scientists know what they're talking about. 


Tra-la-la-la-la . . . ! 


FAILURE 


(continued from page 136) 
the Presidency is now ppointive 
осе the Center for the Study of Demo- 
cratic Institutions has failed. I used to get 
a futurist magazine called Fields Within 
Fields, Last year. 1 got a lener: Fields 
Within Fields has temporarily suspended 
publication. Even the future's a turkey! 
Remember the old joke about how tomor- 
row has been canceled due to lack of 
interest? 


One of the underlying reasons for the 
success of failure is that we no longer 
worship the Bitch Goddess Success as 
William James told H. G. Wells we did. 
James was right—we truly did make а 
religion of success, complete with saints 
and a liturgy. to the liturgy 
began in grade school with McGuffey's 
Eclectic Reader, full of hymns like: 


Once or twice, though you should fail, 
Try, try again; 

If you would at last prevail, 

Try, try again; 

If we strive, ‘tis no disgrace, 

Though we may not win the race; 
What should you do in that ca 


(Three guesses.) 
Elemen 
posed to thar 
they're all the bathroom pawing 
through Show Me! Bue back before the 
liturgy of success fell into disuse, the next 


step after MeGufley м о Alger. 
Alger churned out novels for what the 

young adults. 
His typic а "street boy" be- 


nd 18, son 2 ole 


tw 


Be Êr his ing on the sidewalks 
of Manhattan, he is without hope of ad- 
t. His virtuousness and hard 
e rewarded by a chance encounter 

n who offers 
him a job wi Alger’s books 
used to be ing off 
among teenage boys. who bought over 
100,000,000 copies and took them serious- 
ly, believi t by “luck and plud 
boy could get ahead. 

Alger is read today only by writers re- 
ig the Am of failure for 
avtov. Ш a teacher ever caught a tecn- 
ge boy reading Ragged Dick, he'd send 
him to Psychological Services for an elec 
1. ("The obvious castra- 
tion anxiety implicit in the ride of the 
book Christopher was found reading leads 
us to recommend that he be provided with 
nediately.”) The holy 
of holies of the liturgy of success has be- 
come totally anachronistic. Dan, the 
Newsboy couldn't mak 
he's been replaced by vi 
А benevolent busin 


vane 
work 
ich a benevolent business 


doesn't. have 
о-18- old 


boys anymore for lea 
of pederasty. But say he wasn’t worried 


that he'd have to buy back the Polaroids, 
that he did try to help the kid—who, in- 
cidentally. would most likely be black or 
Latin. He wouldn't offer him a job. He'd 
ту to get the widowed mother on wel- 
fave. The child-labor laws wouldn't allow 
him to give a 12-year-old a job. Besides, if 
the kid had any brains, he'd be burning 
down apartment houses for insurance- 
hungry landlords. Jerome, the Arsonist. 

When Dr. Benjamin Botkin, the folk- 
lorist, colleaed New York City children's 
ts lor the WPA in 1938, one of the 
ost popular was: 


Take a local, 

Take an express. 
Don't get off 

Till you reach success. 


I haven't that sentiment spray- 
painted on any subway cars lately. Kids 
are no longer exposed to the liturgy of 
success, Nobody tells them to try, try 
again. There is no Alger telling them to 
Try and Trust or Do and Dare. Kids are 
tantalized by images of success on TV, 
but the culture doesn't give them the 
slightest hint as to what qualities they 


seen 


ought to cultivate if they want to suc- 
ceed. In the old days, there was always 
The Saturday Evening Post, which fea- 


tured a column called “Letters from a 
Self-Made Merchant to His Son.” Then, 
а decade ago, the Post became the most 
hashed-over business failure 
history. Severa 
reers just writing about what went wrong. 
It is not merely that the Faith has fall- 
en on hard times. We are also being 
undated with images of failure. Micha 
Corleone fails in Godfather 11. We dis- 
cover in French Connection H that Pop- 
пе а cop because he was а 
professional sports. Jack Nichol- 
son has built a career on playing fail- 
ures. America lines up to see Jack fail 
as a concert pianist, see Jack fail as a radio 
personality, sce Jack fail as a private eye, 
see Jack fail as a TV reporter, see Jack 
fail as a wife murderer. At this very 
moment, half the population of Brent- 
wood is simmering in Jacuzzis, trying new 
ways for Jack to fail on cach other. 
Ragtime, which tacitly proposes itself as 
the epic novel of American failure, comes 
along when we're dinging to the ledge 
nd stamps on our knuckles. Thank you, 
Е. L. Doctorow. Nashville tacitly р 
itself as the epic film of Ame ure. 
According to The New York Review of 
Books—and 
Robert Alem 
he represents a certain 
Cecil B. De Mille speci: 


сус Doyle beca 


failur 


ized in represent- 
ito temple ci 
John Ford specialized in representing the 
awesome grandeur of the trek West; and 
Robert Altman specializes in representing 
a certain failure of nerve. And here's a 
idence—guess who's going to bring 
Ragtime to the big screen? 

Ah, yes, you will say, we decadent 


cognoscenti are being deluged with mythic 
es of failure. But the common folk— 
those who have fish decals on the backs 
of their cab-over campers, refer to beers 
as "cool ones" and dream in shades of 
avocado and mustard—surely these sturdy 
yeomen still cleave to success figures. Sure 
they do. Success figures like Evel Knievel. 
But as long as Evel succeeded at jumpi 
his sickle over 100.000 midget gherkin 
s or whatever, he was just another road- 
side attraction. What made him hotter 
than fresh goat shit was when he began 
His miscarriage 
River in the fall of 1974 was the most 
extensively publicized, highest-grossing 
nullity in Ше history of mass culture: 
We've come a long way from the days 
of Charles Lindbergh and Babe Ruth 
in our scarch for popular herocs. The 
surest way to become a mobile-houschold 
word these days is to pick out an im 
plausible feat that nobody has yet been so 
self-destructive as to attempt, come oi 
belligerent and cocky as possible, fail i 
ously and blame your det 
days are “play 
ing bikes off board ramps—probably 
the first time small children have played at 
being someone who cripples himself for 
money. 
Failure fetishism is good mind-rot 

fun, but i 


got 
than simultaneously. denying 
shiping failure, wouldn't it be 


ier on 
Our nerves to come to terms with i? To 


force ourselves to admit that failure 
really all that bad—any more than 
all that good? 

The first thing we've got to under- 
stand is that somctimes being a failure is 
preferable to being a success. We live in 
a world of beautiful losers. Whom would 
you rather be marooned with on a desert 
island—Orson Welles or Blake Edwards? 
Ina society that makes а 
of the realm for gracing the 1 
with 3186 golden arches, it shouldn't be 
surprising that the failures are more in- 
teresting than the successes, 

Take the music business, for instance. 
When a record doesn't sell, its called a 
stiff, as in corpse. As each new Elton John 
album ships molybdenum, the шөге I 
find myself becoming а connoisseur of 
stiffs, Wayne Cochran is а 6/3” singer/ 
songwriter/ bandleader with a prematurely 
platinum pompadour who will have to 
shuffle from one rondhouse to the next 
for the rest of his days because his album 
on Columbia stiffed. The next time his 
bus pulls into town, do yourself a mercy 
and discover that he is the most specracu- 
lar night-club performer of our time— 
an authentic religious experience for a 
two-drink minimum. You have my per- 
sonal guarantee that your socks will roll 
up and down. But ozone can't be trapped 
in plastic, and Cochran ends up in the 
bins. Or take the New York Dolls, onc of 


is 


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241 


PLAYBOY 


242 


the finest rock bands in this galaxy. 
couple of years ago, the insiders were say- 
ing they were the Next Thing. Then they 
did something unforgivable—they stifled 
twice in а row. This is as unforgivable 
not being able to get it up twice in 
row. Tipsheet hit pickers decide a rec 
ord’s fate by listening to it on the “іше 
speaker"— just like a car radio, get it? If 
your music's too big to squeeze through 
the little speake Not long 


police it wasn't. But the band was the 
answer to a teenager's prayer. As we were 
, I said to my wife, "Ain't 
ie that the Dolls are a failure зо 
we can see them up close in а place with 
good sound for duce dollars? Too bad 
they're mot а success so we'd have to 
schlep 200 miles to squint at them 
through binoculars from the second bal 
cony of a hockey rink 
which we had to do a si 
and fuck on a sealper 
of the music industry 


eous suck 
By the standards 
these performers 


Many of the images of creative failure 
re the results of inflated expectations. 
Take everybody's failed phy- 
wright, Tennessee Every so 
often, Williams ma 
together enough to get another. play pro: 
duced, Invariably, it's а bomb. Last ye 
Williams entry was put out of its misery 


in Boston. Pore, pore Tennessee. Tahm 
has passed him bah 
Recently, I had the experience of see- 


ing, over the course of a few months, four 
of Will 
dent the American $ 
speare Theaters Broadway production 
of Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, the movie of А 
Streetcar Named Desire and the Williams- 
town, Massachusetts, Theater Festival's 
Summer and Smoke. When the elevator 
descended in Suddenly, Last Summer as 


ms’ choicest- the. movie ol Sud- 


Last Summer 


Katharine Hepburn ex machina delivered 
her opening speech, ihe normally blasé 
Williams College audience gasped and 


whewed so loudly 1 thought [d 
Пот the carbon dioxide, 
Hot Tin Roof 
hands were swoll 
The 
the Music Inn in Lenox, 
was the largest Dil se 
Leigh and Marlon Brando 
nding ovation Гус ever seen i 
movie theater. As the curta 
for Summer and Smoke 1 
house, there were, crowded around the 
guy with the waiting list, 50 people with 
looks on their faces like Vietnamese 
escapees at the Tan Son Nhut airport. 
Williams’ works still draw, still hit 
below the belt and, m- 
proved with ag ir author 
has one lovely home in New Orleans, an- 
other in Key West, Tallulah Bankhead's 


uint 


The Cat on a 


«ce clapped until its 
1 amid yells of “Author! 


wdience for Streeteay at 
Massachusetts, 
п there and it gave 
the 


Author!" 


ment in New York's East 50s, a shelf 
ing with awards, $750,000 in the 
ind. substanti: 


hundreds of. product 


that are mounted each year. Yet we are 

so afflicted with yes-but-what-have- 
slatelyism that every a 
Tennessee Williams flashes 


across our consciousness, a subtitle ap- 
pears that reads FAILURE, Williams hi 
self is a prime exponent of his own 
loserhood, mind you. By him, not only has 
he not written anything worth while 
20 years but the stuff he did before th 
wasn't so hot, either. If there were any 
rationality to the American way of failure, 
a man like this—an artist who produced 
a body of work that stood the test of three 
decades, who is wealthy enough to live by 
clipping coupons. whose name is a hou 
hold word throughout the civilized 
workl—would be esteemed а parage 
success. His path would be suc 
rose petals. Young boys anointed w 
KY would be offered to him at every 
whistle stop. Instead. he is condescended 
to as a pathetic relic. The demand that 
artists churn out masterpieces at regu 
intervals until the day they соак or he 
chalked up as failures—thereby inhibit- 
ing their ability to chum out master- 
pieces —is so auel and self-defeating that 
it sounds like something you'd find in a 
Tennessee Williams pla 
The mos important thing we must 
come to understand is that failure isn't 
there just to annoy us and keep us from 
appe d. It serves a 
crucial cosmic purpose: the elimination 
of everything that doesn't work. Any indi- 


vidual any group. any institution, any 
t cannot hold is own in the 

ls. This can be a brutal process. 

lure is the way the cookie crum- 

bles. Rather than. be depressed by it. we 
can come to take bitter comfort in the 


w. Adolf Hitler said, 


y failure operates. 
Success is the sole earthly judge of right 
nd wrong.” He was ad that’s why 
he ended up the most notorious failure of 
the 20th Century. Remember Murphy's 
Law. "Anything that can go wrong will”? 
Well here's Karpel's Corollary: Any- 
thing that can go wrong should, There is 
moral imperative to failure. If things 
that didn't work did not fail, they would 
plague us world without end. If failure 
itself failed, we would soon live in an in- 
competent world. a world in which the 
dysfunctional had equal opportunity with 
the functional. It is good that we failed 
Vietnam: What business did we have 
exporting the American. dr 
east Asia when v 

York? It is good ui 
tive coup failed: Is leader had а whoopee 
cushion for It is good that the 
movement failed: If it had prevailed, wed 
all have to speak in translations hom the 
Chinese. Its good that the Mafia failed: 


Tt was not all that romantic for a night- 
dub owner to have to eat his testicles be- 
cause he didn't want a silent partner. It 
was good that Max's Kansas City faile 
Т have it on good authority that in ten 
years they never emptied the shrimp bar- 
rel—they just kept adding. It is good that 
Sonny Bono failed: He is too short. 

As destructive as failure may be. it has 
a creative potential that is even stronger. 
The Renaissance couldu't have happened 
unless the Middle Ages had failed. The 
telephone сате out of the failure to in- 
vent a he id. Chemistry came out of 
the Failure of alchemy. They failed to turn 
Jead into gold, so they had to settle for 
turning mold into penicillin. The ve 
discovery of the Western Hemisphere 
me out of ше failu westerly 
route to the Indies. “Cha 
and the teacher. 
The Sorrows of Priapus. “Never to fail is 
a ditch and delusion.” 


honey 


түйсе put 
brouck, seers. You won 
t category in the Manhattan Yellow 
Pages between "Seeds & Bulbs—Whol.” 
nd “Seguros.” But what else can you 
people who wrote in 1972 that the n 
economic turning point of the rest of the 
20th Century would come in mid-October 
1973? The Hasbroucks postulate a wave 
of evolutionary trend change that has 
periodicity of 36 years. They say that 
after the wave crested in 1966, we entered 
the phase known as the “time of trouble.” 
It is this time of trouble that the prophet 
Bob Dylan was talki bout in 1961 
when he said а hard vain was gonna fall, 
that the prophet Norman Mailer was talk. 
ng about in 19 
storm 


4 when he said a shit- 
effet 


the 


was coming, The of 
periodic time of trouble tion 
because any idea, any institution, any sys- 


tem that cannot resist or adapt to its on- 


slaught falls by the wayside along with 
the pterodactyl, knights in shining armor, 
mercantilism and the 409-cubicinch V8. 


The time of trouble is the painful but 
necessary prelude to what the Hasbroucks 
all the “cosmic house cleaning” that must 
аке place so the decks will be clear for 
the next stage in the evolution of human 
so that 
tools 


nd 


ve the sp: 
that will get us through the 
And ic Electrolux w 
that house cleaning is perfor 
he Hasbroucks insist with the same 
cheerful assurance with which they pre- 
dicted a climactic event fe 


the ca which 


ned is failure 


mids 


mmer 


ble is years. ds 
neighbors. our time is up. 1966 plus nine 
ls 1975 of blessed memory. ‘The hard 
has fallen. The shitstorm has fi 
blown over and we have all survived to 


tell the tale. 


TO PROVE WE PAID 
ADMISSION, TONY STAMPS 
OUR WRISTS WITH AN INVISIBLE 
INK THAT GLOWS UNDER A 
BLACK LIGHT. DIDN'T TONY I GOT A 
STAMP YOURS ? $ TWOFER! 


'HATEVER OR WHOMEVER. YOU'RE INTO THESE 

DAYS- WOMEN, SMALL DOGS, A NICE PIECE 
OF LIVER- CHANCES ARE THERE'S A DISCOTHEQUE, 
PUB OR BATHHOUSE THAT CATERS TO YOUR WHIM. 
NOT ONLY THAT; CHANCES ARE THE ESTABLISHMENT 
15 TASTEFULLY RUN BY THE MAFIA. ONE SUCH PLACE 
15 THE CONTENTMENT BATHS, WANDA'S 
HAUNT OF THE MOMENT, TO WHICH, ONE NIGHT, 
SHE COAXES OUR INNOCENT ANNIE-- 


WANDA, 
t LOOK AT ALL С à С w 
THE ADORABLE MEN! et 
THERE ARE HARDLY s TRYING TO SEDUCE 
ANY WOMEN. I GUESS. A MINOR?? 
THERE WON'T BE VERY = 
MUCH COMPETITION 
FOR us 


` GOOD GRIEF! IN 
THE DOORWAY! BOTH 
MY LOVERS ARE HERE ! 


THEY MUSTN'T 


ROGER'S 
IN BED WITH 
HEPATITIS! 
-1 SEE ONE. HE'S 
STANDING BY THE LADY 
IN RED. BUT WHERE'S 
THE OTHER ONE 2? 


50 THEN THIS 
JERK SAYS, “IS ORAL 
5EX SOME KIND OF 

RELIGIOUS NUT?” 


Pus 
WONDER 
WHAT 
{ HAPPENED 
(2 


PLAYBOY 


ПЫ DON'T KNOW WW 
SWI I MEAN, T PON T. Lil Ike To 
(CHILL M TITTIES, WHAT WITH ALL THE 
TROUBLE I GO THROUGH TO CARE FOR 
> МҮ CHEST, WITH THE HORMONES: 
AND INJECTIONS AND ALL- 


vo YOU USE 
FOR YOUR 
CHEST, 
HONEY? 


IT'S BLUE EYES! 8h 
NEXT YEAR, FREQ- PASSED OUT COLD! QUICK! 
THAT'S Mw HUSBAND- RUB HER 
PROMISES TO SEND ME TO WRISTS! 
COPENHAGEN FOR THE 
OPERATION 


‘SHOULD WE BE IN? -THE 


HEY, You! 
MEN'S LOCKER ROOM? / ж FIGHTIN? INNA LOCKER 
-YOU A SICKIE 2 ЈМ ROOM! You WANNA 
GET HOIT!? 


бо SWIMMING, уй 
BERNICE? 


THE FIRTH DON OF AN 
ALL-GAY BRANTH OF 
THE MAFIA! 


COME To 
OLP GRANNY- 
THE-TOWEL-LADY, 
CHILD. I JUST SIT 


I THOUGHT THIS WAS A 015С0- -ANP THERE WAS THIS. 
THEQUE FULL OF HANDSOME BEAUTIFUL LAC Y IN THE 
MEN... AND THEY WEREN'T! LOCKER ROOM... AND SHE 
ND WANDA RUSHED WASN’TI...AND THE SYNDICATE 
P TURNED OUT TO BE THE 
THYNPICATE — 


-ALITILE OLD 
GRANNY LADY! 


245 


PLAYBOY 


246 


PLAYBOY 
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