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ENTERTAINMENT FOR MEN SEPTEMBER 1976 • $1.50 


AYBOY 


IRLS оғ REN 
d. «WE ei Moss 
6 pe RSECRETARY ~ ^ CAG 
ELIZABETH RAY : 
AND SUPERSWIMMER THE WATERGATE 
FANNE à CONSPIRACY 
FOXE) wooo! WARD 
D 

collece 

footbalf 

PREDICTIONS 

From the 

WIZARD OF 


PLAYBOY i 


Was every cigarette 


you smoked today smooth? 


The taste of extra.coolness 
makes smooth taste - 
a sure thing with KGDL. - 


Come up to KGDL. 


nav CO. v d i ings. 17 то. "tar." 1.2 mg. nicotine, av. per cigarette, ЕТС Report Apr. 76 


Get your CB 
from a company you can depend on. 
Because someday 
you may have to depend on your CB. 


Sure, CB is fun. But when you get a CB transceiver, 
make sure it won't break down when you need it most. 
Because helping you out of tight scrapes is really what 
CBis all about. 

If your car gets stranded on a spooky mountain 
road. Or there's an emergency on the highway. Or when 
it's 1 AM and your tank reads "E." Or even when you're 
beginning to nod off and you need some conversation to 


CB/PA Switch. To turn Noise Blanker/ANL 
your СВ into a public Switch. Silences 
address system (with background noise 
optional external for clearer, quieter 
speaker). \ reception. | 


keep you awake. That's when you need a dependable 
CB transceiver as much as you need dependable brakes. 

We've been making 2-way communications systems 
for years. Marine. Police. And HAM systems. And, like 
everything Panasonic, we build them as if our reputation 
depended on it. 

And that's how we built our mobile transceiver, the 
RJ-3200. That, you can depend on. 


Delta Tuning. “LED” On-Air Lighted Channel 
Pulls in off-center ^ Indicator. Lights Indicator. To easily. 
communications. when the setis in the see any one of 23 


transmitting position. channels. / 
/ 
" 


7 


4 Watts 
of Power ~ 
The legal 
maximum. 
/ / / ve \ 

y ce Squelch Control. For SIRF Power Meter. Quici-Release Modulation Indicator. 
silencing interstation Measures both Bracket. Lets you Lights up to indicate 
background noise. transmitting and remove your CB strength of transmitting 

receiving signals. soa thief can't. signal. 
~ ےکک‎ Detachable Mike. 
For ease of storage. 


Panasonic. 


just slightly ahead of our time. 


Some brag about 
economy, 
Some, performance. 
Some, roominess. 
But there isn't a car 
we know of that gives 
you the combination of 
economy, performance 
and roominess that 
youll find in the 
Volkswagen Rabbit. 
39 mpg highway, 
25 mpg city. 
These are the highly 
impressive EPA esti- 
mates of what the 
Robbit got with standard 
transmission in the 
1976 EPA tests. 

(The mileage you get 


can vary, depending on 
how and where you 
drive, optional equip- 
ment, and the condition 
of your car.) 


Fast outside. 


The Rabbit propels 
you from 0 to 50 in only 
8.2 seconds. 

At that range, a 
Datsun B-210 is 6096 
slower than a Rabbit: 

You have to drive it 
to believe it. 


Big inside. 

As Road & Track put it: 
"Its space for passengers 
and luggage is remark- 

able: 


In fact, 87% of the 
space in the car is 
devoted to passenger 
and luggage room. The 
Rabbit has as much 
head and leg room as 
some mid-sized cars. 


Open the large Hatch- 
back, put the rear seat 
down, and you have 
more luggage space 
than in the trunk of a 
Cadillac Fleetwood. 

So there you have it: 

Economy. 

Performance. 

Roominess. 

All are alive and well, 
thank you, and residing 
in the 1976 Volkswagen 
Rabbit. 


THE BEST CAR IN THE WORLD 
FOR UNDER 33500 IS A RABBIT. 


of hundreds of 1975 cars. 


Based on Road & Track magazine's consideration 


"Suggested 1976 retail price $3,499 East Coast О.Е Transportation, 
local taxes, and dealer delivery charges additional 
*Agbobion Associates test results, Volkswagen of Americo, 


GO DIRECTLY to page 123. Do пог pass The Playboy Advisor. 
Do not collect Playboy's Party Jokes. Here they are: The Girls 
of Washington. Photographer David Chen is not an investigative 
journalist, but he does have an eye for beauty. He uncovered 
the story of Elizabeth Ray, as well as Miss Ray, long before the 
supersecretary started giving headlines to the national press. 
Some delightful women have come to the aid of their country 
in recent years: Our pictorial pays tribute to the best. 

Now for the real news: All the President's Men was a great 
detective story except for one thing. The case was never solved. 
‘The sources who provided Woodward and Bernstein with their 
stories brought down an American President—no mean feat—but 
wasn't the half of it. Why the burglars broke in to Watergate 
n unanswered question. Through a bizarre set of circum- 
stances, explained in Part I of The Puppet and the Puppet- 
masters, PLAYBOY received new information that begins the 
long process of understanding Watergate as the natural exten- 
sion of Nixon's connections with Howard Hughes and the 
empire he built. We put Lorry DuBois and Senior Editor Laurence 
Gonzales on the case and, with the help of Hughes's former 
umbertwo man in Las Vegas, John Meier, they produced 
enlightening results: “Meier's version of what had been going 
on in America these past ten years seemed too amazing at first," 
reports Gonzales. “We didn't know whether to believe him or 
not. But everything of Meier's we've used has been corrobo 
rated, step by step, with memos from Hughes, testimony already 
in the public record, letters from Government officials and 
other sources. Our сазе is solid.” 

Adding to our political package is an excerpt from Kurt 
Vonnegut, Jr.'s forthcoming novel. И you thought The Final 
Days was funny, you'll love Slapstick or Lonesome No More!— 
the memoirs of the last American President. (The complete 
novel will be out in October from Delacorte Press / Seymour 
Lawrence.) Slapstick is illustrated by Brod Helland; its author is 
caricatured by Joel Schick. Phil Interlandi offers his own view of 
the state of the Union in Sex and the Politician. While we were 
in Washington, we followed up a hot tip from author Anthony 
Astrochon and dropped by the Patent Office. Patented Sex is 
а collection of carnal creations to boggle the mind. 

Compared with the Gunival that is Washington, a bona 
fide side show seems tame. We sent veteran weirdo Harry 
Crows (he had a hinge tattoocd on his clbow in Valdez, 
, when he was there for PLAYBOY) to report on the speed 
freaks, con artists and good folk who have sawdust in their 
veins. Kunio Hegio supplied the visuals lor Carny. In keeping 
with the general festive air of this issue, we also indude a 
report on America’s Circus Maximus: Anson Moun's Pigskin 
Preview. Mounts ability to pick winners has won him a st 
of top predictor trophies over the years. Robert S. Wieder 
(whose previous contributions to PLAYBOY include a report on 
Clark Ghent’s School Days) returned to campus to report on a 
new movement: the student as consumer. Does your diploma 
ve a five year warranty? If your education is a lemon, can 
you take your teacher to court? Yes. Sue the Bastards! tells 
all. The artwork is by Ralph Steadman. 

Comeron Crowe developed a tolerance for the bizarre when 
he followed glitter-rock star David Bowie around for several 
months, The Playboy Interview is а revealing portrait of the 
exual boy wonder. Associate Editor John Blumenthal deserves 
a medal for service above and beyond for his quiz on soap operas: 
Will Carl Divorce Myrna? Will Lois Get an Abortion? Will 
Someone Please Change the Channel? 

And as a surprise bonus, September marks the debut of 
Playboy on the Scene—our minimagazine within а magazine. 
Everything you always wanted to know about wheels, clothes, 
furnishings, people, gadgets—and sex, Шу. Be our guest. 


at 


PLAYBILL 


CROW: 


INTERLANDI 


BLUMENTHAL 


ASTRACHAN 


PLAYBOY. 


vol. 23, no. 9—september, 1976 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE 


PLAYBILL ЕСТЕ c 3 
DEARIÍPLAYSOYR etic tec etree te сз ушу E n 
PLAYBOY ARTER HOUSE SE E P 
TRAVELS Ae MO ae И 22 
How to take an ocean cruise without floating a loan. 
Wonnes as Slept BOOKS 24 


A self-important sports book, Poul Theroux's latest novel and a hot new woman 
author—plus an illustrated history of stag films. 


IMOVIESPT eee ee Pere eee ee eee 26 
Harry and Walter, David Bowie's film debut, Neil Simon's mishmash. 


DININGES DRINKING ВЕЕ C TEE ee arte deae «ХУ 
For those who think small: a visit to The Midgets’ Club. 


Newton's Physiques 


Bob Marley and the Wailers, Savoy reissues, rip-off Runaways, a memorial to 
the Duke and a revisionist view of discos. 


IIHEIPPAYBOYADVISORE ИО ТЕС eee 39 

“SCREW” SCREWED IN WICHITA—editorial ..................... 43 

5 г; THE PLAYBOY FORUM . ics 45 
Pigskin Preview. 

PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: DAVID BOWIE—candid conversation ......... 57 


The rock sensation, now а movie star, talks about his new film (The Man Who 
Fell to Earth], his changing image, drugs, the craziness of the music biz and the 
joys of sexual switch-hitting. 


THE PUPPET AND THE PUPPETMASTERS—article 
LARRY DUBOIS and LAURENCE GONZALES 74 
In this explosive exposé, our authors show how Howard Hughes's multibillion- 
EES ; dollar empire was gradually turned into the biggest covert intelligence front 
s 1 in history, how Hughes purchased a United States President and how the 
monster Hughes created got so enormous it swallowed him whole, resulting 
in Watergate ard the fall of Richard Nixon. 


YOUR TURNED-ON PRESS-ON! . T 78 
A variation of this month's cover art to iron on your favorite T- 

NEWTON'S PHYSIQUES—pictorial .............. HELMUT NEWTON 83 
Sir Isaac would be astonished at what photographer Helmut does with women. 


Compus Fashions P. 116 But then, Sir Isaac never had a camera. 


MICHIGAN AVE., CHICAGO. ILLINOIS 60611. RETURN POSTAGE MUST ACCONPANY ALL MANUSCRIPTS. DRAWINGS AND PHOTOGRAPHS SUBMITTED 
итү can mr ASSUMED FOR UNSOLICITED MATERIALS. ALL RIGHTS IN LETTERS SENT TO PLAYBOY WILL BE TREATED AS UNCON 
ROSES AND AS SUBJECT TO PLAYBOY'S UNRESTRICTED RIGHT TO EDIT AND TO COMMENT EDITORIALLY. CONTENTS COPYRIGHT © 1, 


GENERAL OFFICES: PLAYBOY CUILDING. 915 
ALLY ASSIGNED FOR PUBLICATION AND COPYRIGI 
PLAYBOY, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. PLAYBOY AND RABBIT HEAD SYMBOL ARE MARKS OF PLAYBOY. REGISTERED U.S. PATENT OFFICE, MARCA REGISTRADA, MARQUE DEFOSEE. NOTHING MAY DE 
BOHRINTED Vi WHOLE OF IN FARE WITHOUT WHITTEN PERMISSION FROM THE PUBLISHER. AMY SIMILARITY SETWEEN THE PEOPLE AND PLACES IN THE FICTION AND SEMIFICTION ін THLE MAGAZINE 
ANE ANY HEAL PEOPLE AND PLACES 15 PURELY COINCIDENTAL. CREDITS: COVER: DESIGNED DY TOM STAEBLEN, PHOTOGRAPHY DY: ANSEL ADAMS. P. 24) CHARLES W. BUSH, T. 3, JEFF COMEN. 


COVER STORY 

This month, rather than trying to identify the Rabbi! Head among the women, you have 
to identify the women in the Rabbit Head. It's artist John Craig's collage constructed from 
some of the past five years most memorable pictorials. Can you identify the ladies in 
the collage? There are no prizes, just self-satisfaction. 


SLAPSTICK OR LONESOME NO MORE!—fiction . . KURT VONNEGUT, JR. 90 = (O) 
A mammoth chunk of the wild new novel by the author of Sloughterhouse-Five ы 
and Breakfast of Champions that is destined for best-sellerdom. 


PRIZE WINNERS—drink . Troha ee Son EMANUEL GREENBERG 94 
А batch of bartenders share the recipes for their award- -winning concoctions. 


CARNY == erti cle... Sen OA Ce ЕТУУ... .. HARRY CREWS 96 
Step right up, folks! For three thin dollars, you can meet the lady who can fire 
eggs from her . . . well, step right up and see. 


OVERWHELMING UNDERGRAD—playboy’s playmate of the month ... 100 
As a college ort student, Whitney Kaine has spent a lot of time studying the 
body beautiful. Now it's our turn. 


\ 
PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES—humor ................... ЕТЕЛ 


PATENTED SEX—humor .......... : . . . ANTHONY ASTRACHAN 113 
Diagrams of some of the more ingenious sexuol devices registered with the 
U. S. Patent Office, including a ball-breaking erector set and a pair of stirrups 
to keep you in the saddle. Great Drinks 


BACK TO CAMPUS—attire .... ......DAVID PLATT 116 
The new mood among the college crowd is clearly reflected in its garb. 


SUE THE BASTARDS!—article ...... Е eo .ROBERT S. WIEDER 120 
On campus, things have really коре сам instead of demonstrating and 
chanting slogans, the students are going to court. 


THE GIRLS OF WASHINGTON—pictorial ...... Wirk] 
You won't find them on your guided-tour itinerary, bur they’ re capital attractions. 
Eleven pages of them, including the femmes fatales of politics, Fanne Foxe and 
Congressman Wayne Hays's headline-making supersecretary, Elizabeth Ray. 


Patented Sex 


THE DEVIL AND THE PEASANT WIFE—ribald classic ............... 135 


PLAYBOY'S PIGSKIN PREVIEW—sports ............ ANSON MOUNT 137 
Our grid handicapper has been called the nation's top football prophet five 
times. Now he’s going for six. 


WILL CARL DIVORCE MYRNA?—gquiz ..........JOHN BLUMENTHAL 141 
The first and only soap-opera quiz fashioned specifically for people who never Miss Seplember 
watch soap operas and couldn't care less. 
& 
SEX AND THE POLITICIAN—humor ............... PHIL INTERLANDI 142 
The public is only one of the things the politicos are out to screw. 
PLAYBOY POTPOURRI 178 
PLAYBOY ON THE SCENE . . 206 
A brand-new eight-page section designed to fill you in on what's happening, 
where it's happening and who's making it happen. Сару ГЫМ Р. 96 
P. 3; PHILLIP DIXON, P. 103 (2), 109 CRANT EOWAPOS, P. Vi; ROBERT FARBER, P. OA (3): RICHARD FECLEY, Р. 19 (2); BILL FRANTI, P. 3 (3): DAVID GUNN. T. з, BRIAN D. NENNESSEY, 
7. 3; D. HOOKER, P. 78, 130-131 (1); TOM KELLER, P. 3; JACQUES MALIGNON, P. 16-1182 CHUCK PETERSON, P. 137, LEV FOLIAKOY, V. 3, CHARNE, Pe з. т тозып, P. 17 (ту. 10 (1). Tat aly 


PLAYBOY 


Pick up your Minolta and look through the finder. 
Are you looking out? Or into your own mind? You see an 
image floating in space. Click. Did you capture it. or 
create it? Something in you knows and responds. Your 
Minolta responds with you. 

A Minolta SR-T is so natural in your hands it feels 
like a part of you. Everything works so smoothly. You 
never have to look away from the total information finder 
to make adjustments. The image is always big and 
bright, right up to the instant you shoot. And patented “CLC” 
through-the-lens metering assures you of accurate 
exposures, even in high contrast situations. 

Youre free to explore the limits of photography with 
a Minolta SR-T. Over 40 superbly crafted Rokkor-X 
and Minolta/Celtic lenses let you stretch your imagination 
from “fisheye” wide-angle to super-telephoto. 

Three models, the SR-T202. SR-T201 and SR-T200 
provide quick match-needle exposure measurement, 
shutter speeds to 1/1000th of a second and traditionally 
effortless Minolta handling. Plus a wide range of 
creative and convenience features to match your needs 
and budget. The right oneis at your Minolta dealer. 
Waiting for you. For literature, write Minolta Corporation, 


101 Williams Drive, Ramsey, N.J. 07446. f- 
In Canada: Anglophoto Ltd., PQ. Minolta 


PLAYBOY 


HUGH M. HEFNER 
editor and publisher 


ARTHUR KRETCHMER ediforial director. 


ARTHUR PAUL art director 


SHELDON WAX managing editor 
GARY COLE photography editor 


G. BARRY GOLSON assistant managing editor 


EDITORIAL, 


ARTICLES: LAURENCE GONZALES, 
editors » Е N: ROBIE MA- 
т, VICTORIA CHEN HAIDER, WAL- 
assistant editors = SERVICE 
FEATURES: TOM OWEN modern living editor; 
DAVID PLATT fashion editor; THOMAS MARIO 
Jood & drink editor « CARTOONS: MICHELLE 
URRY editor = COPY: ARLENE MOURNS editor, 
STAN AMBER assistant editor = STAFF: WILLIAM 
J. HELMER, GRETCHEN MCNEESE, ROBERT SHEA, 
DAVID STEVENS senior edilors; DAVID STANDISH 
staff writer; JONS BLUMENTHAL, JAMES Re 
PETERSEN, CARL PHILIP SNYDER associaie editors; 
J. F. O'CONNOR, FD WALKER assistant edi- 
lors; SUSAN HEISLER, MARIA NEKAM, BARRARA 
NELLIS, KATE NOLAN, KARIN PADDERDD, TOM 
PASSAVANT research edilors; DAVID BUTLER, 
MURRAY FISHER, ROBERT L GREEN, ХАТ 
HENTOFF, ANSON MOUNT, RICHARD RHODES, 
JEAN SHEPHERD, ROBERT SHERRILL, DRUCE 
ie skow contribu. 

ATIVE SERVICES 
dininistrative edito 
Jus & permissions manager; 
MEMAN administrative assistant 


PETER ROSS 


MILDRED 2 


ART 
TOM STAFRLER, KERIG POPE associate directors; 
вов POST, ROY MOODY, LEN WILLIS, CHET SUSKI, 
NORM SCHAEFER, JOSEPH PACZEK assis lant direc- 
lors; VICTOR HUBBARD, NN STEWARD art as- 
sislants;Evr MECKMANNad ministrativeassistant 


PHOTOGRAPHY 


MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor 
маком moss associate editor: 
WAYNE mew york editor; RICHARD FEGLEY, 
vowrro ros staf) photographers; MLL 
ARSENAUET, DON. AZUMA, DAVID CHAN, PHILLIP. 
DIXON, DWIGHT HOOKFK, к. SCOTT HOOPER, KEN 
MARCUS, ALEXAS ала contributing photog- 
raphers; GRANT TDW ARDS, BILL FRANTZ, RICHARD 
1201 associate photographers; MICHAEL BERRY, 
JUDY JOHNSON assistant editors; JAMES WARD 
color lab supervisor; ROBERT CHELIUS admin- 
istrative editor 


PRODUCTION 
х MASTRO ditector; ALLEN VARCO man- 
ELFANORE WAGNER, МАША MANDIS, 
NANCY SIEGEL, RICHARD QUARTAROLL assistants 


READER SERVICE 


GAYLY GARDNER director 


CIRCULATION 


REN corone director of newsstand sales; 
MAIN WIEMOLD subseviption manager 


ADVERTISING 


HOWARD W, LEDERER advertising director 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC. 


RICHARD S. ROSENZWEIG executive vice-pr 
dent, publishing grou, 
publisher; RICHARD м. КОРЕ assistant 
publisher 


DISTILLED LONDON Day / 
чыт. 

ee y 

zi 

/ 


і 


- Smooth Gilbeys. 


DISTILLED LONDON DRY GIN. 86 PROOF, 100% GRAIN NEUTRAL SPIRITS. W. & A. GILBEY, LTO., DISTR. BY NATIONAL DISTILLERS PRODUCTS СО. N- Y. С. 


PLAYBOY 


Dingo. Because theres more 


than one way to cut the ice. 


(Derek Sander 
the Sr 


If he’s not making 
plays, he’s breaking them 

If he’s not in the box on 
penalties, he’s out on the 
ice killing them. 

He stuns the opposition 
(And quite a few of the 
ladies.) 

On the ice. Or on the 
town. Derek Sanderson 
has the lifestyle Dingo 
boots were styled for. 

They're rugged. Like him. 

Yet smooth and supple. 

With handsome, full- 
grained leathers. And a fit 
that doesn't quit 

They're right for a 
million dollar superstar. 
And for you. Because 
Dingos won't put a dent in 
your wallet. 

Dingo” boots. They fit 
all your casual styles, and 
your lifestyle 

Especially if you walk 
tall and carry a big stick. 


We also make Acme 
Western boots. 

For the store nearest 
you. write: 

Acme Boot Co., Inc., 
Dept. DS2, Clarksville, 
Tenn. 37040. 

A subsidiary of 
Northwest Industries, Inc. 


DEAR PLAYBOY 


E] оле PLAYBOY MAGAZINE - PLAYBOY BUILDING, 919 N. MICHIGAN AVE., CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611 


MOORE-INGS 
In your June Playboy Interview, Sara 

Jane Moore tries to come across as some 
kind of professional hit lady, blaming 
her failure to kill President Ford on an 
unfamiliar weapon, when, in fact, hei 
tempt on his life was actually very sloppy 
and very half-assed. A professional would 
have succeeded, except that no profes 
sional would take a kamikaze job like 
that. Pros do not kill Presidents. Only 
the nut case will take that kind of action, 
I also take exception to her attitude th 
the radical elements are really "good" 
people. How can we accept this opinion 
from a woman who tried to murder an- 
other human being? 

Eric Skagen 

Stockton, California 


As inmates in Terminal Island Federal 
Correctional Institution who work with 
and must listen to Sally Moore eight 
hours cach day, we cannot believe that 
you have lowered your standards so far 
as to publish the rambling trivia of such 
an obviously confused and attention- 
starved woman, 


Robert Lee Andrist 
Vernon James Kortsen 
Michael Murdaugh 
Ken Cabble 

Jennifer Hankel 

San Pedro, California. 


Your interview with Sara Jane Moore 

really exposes her for what she is: a yo-yo. 
Larry Michaclson 
Montpelier, Vermont 


A very revealing and fascinating inter- 
view. 
Terry Mortonson 
Los Angeles, California 


Sara Jane Moore is just one of those 
neurotic, divorced, middle-aged women 
who have clung to the leftist movement 
in the Seventies. I am deeply saddened 
by her and those like her who have 
wanted only companionship in return 
for licking stumps and an occasional 
dingy frolic in bed. 


Don McManman 
Oxford, Ohio 


Someone should inform Sara that be- 
ing a killer doesn't make you a hero 
with. the people unless your best friends 


are members of the Manson family. But 
don't worry, Sara, if nominations ever 
go out for a Mental Midget Award, you 
will surely be a front runner. 
Norman Keith Warner II 
Austin, Texas 


I can’t help but wonder how many 
wackos will read your interview with 
a y think. 


Jane Moore and come aw: 


ing of her as heroic. 


Linda Betty Jones 
Chicago, Illinois 


A Iot of sound and fury. 
Carl Watkins 
Houston, Texas 


SPEED FREAKS 
Brock Yates's55 Be Damned! (PLAYBOY, 
June) is one of the most intelligently 
written articles on speed driving I've 
id in years, Incidentally, I'm a New 
York City police office 
John P. Quinn, Sr 
Belle Harbor, New York 


Not every driver who speeds is as care- 
ful as Yates claims to be, and by setting 
such a dubious example, he is simply 

g other, less competent dri 
to boost their speed to something they 
cannot handle. 


encoura 


Randall Stokes 
Cincinnati, Ohio 


I say “Right on" to the good driver 
who thinks of the other man on the road 
as well as himself and the people in his 
r, and who gets where he's going in 
hall the time it takes everyonc else. 
Larry W. Williams, J 
Amarillo, Texas 


The United St 
hour speed trap. 


Fifty-five be blessed! 
Н. W. Austin 
West Haven, Connecticut 


Brock Yates be damned! 
Joseph К. Choate 
New Brunswick, New Jersey 


Someday Yates will want to relax on 
the open road and he'll probably be very 


PLAYBOY, SEPTEMBER, 1576, VOLUME 23, NUMBER 5 


311 FOR ONE YEAR, ELSEWHERE $25 FEA YEAR, ALLOW 30 DAYS 


YORK, M-Y. 10017; SHERMAN 


CHRISTIANSEN, MANAGER, 3340 PEACHTREE RD.. N.E 


CHICAGO, ALL. 80611; ATLANTA, RICHARD 


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11 


PLAYBOY 


12 


ated by one of those young drivers 
for whom he has set an example and who 
by. laughing at the law and brag- 
about how to break it. 
(Name and address 
withheld by request) 


For all his smartassed comments, Yates 

doesn't answer the one big question: 

What's the goddamn hurry, anyway? 
Lanny К. Middings 
San Ramon, California 


RACING FORM 

Dan Gerber's Indy—The World's Fast- 

est Carnival. Ride (eLayuoy, June) really 

captures the spirit of the greatest race in 
the world. 

Bob Hopkinson 

Miami, Florida 


As an annual spectator at the Indy 

500, 1 found Gerber's article fascinating. 
Lamont Hotalling 
Columbus, Ohio 


WHALE TALES 
Jack Richardson's The Great Whale 
Balile (rrAvzov, June) brings to mind 


all the old fears and anxieties of the Cold 
wW 


A fine piece of journalism. 
Nat Henckel 


Bangor, Maine 


The mision of Grei e V was an 
enious idea, but its shortcomings will 
probably render it ineffective. The 
Greenpeace Foundation should redirect 
its energies. The waters of the world are 
at present res nullius (owned by nonc) 
Under this policy. the blue whale has 
been hunted practically to extinction. The 
aters of the world should be controlled 
under a policy of res communes (owned 
by all Oceans are a natural resource 
precious to everyone. Perhaps if the 
Greenpeace V crew stopped. talking to 
whales 
the oceans’ largest a 
reach doomsday. 


wmd started talking to the UN, 


al might never 


David Rousso 
Evanston, Illinois 


Quite frankly, Т don't give а damn 
what happens to whales. 
"Thomas Sommerfield 
Chicago, Illinois 


Richardson's article ought to make a 
fine movie. 
Bill Thomas 
Los Angeles, California 


DIAMOND LIL 

І would like to compliment you on 
your choice of Lillian Miller as 1976 
Playmate of the Ye 


William C. Crone 
Tucson, Arizona 


In selecting your Playmate of the Year, 
you people goofed. You never had and 


never will have a Playmate lovelier than 
Nancie Li Brandi! 

John Lugar 

St. Michael, Pennsylvania 


Your Playmate of the Year, Lill 
Müller, is definitely the best-looking girl 
1 have seen anywhere. 

Glenn С. Catania 
West Hartford, Connecticut 


Seems to me Lillian Müller got short- 
changed. Aren't your Playmates of the 
Year supposed to get а с 

Charles Needham 
Boston, Massachusetts 


Lillian received a brand-new BMW 
530i (aboue), which was mentioned but 
nol pictured in our Playmate of the Year 
feature, 


Is it just coincidence that the young 
lady who appears 12th im each of the 
past four Playmate Reviews claims the 
bouquets of June? 


John Т. Kosik 


Cheshire, Connecticut 
Yes. 
HEALTH NUTS 
I found the article Sex Is Good for 


Your Health (pLaywoy, June), by Edward 
M. and Jeremy Brecher, very informa- 
tive. Now I understand exactly why I 
am so horny all the time. 

ne and address 
withheld by request) 


We all know that sex is good for us. 
and we don't need this conviction but- 
wesed by the convoluted crap in the 
Brechers! article. 
Leonard Gross 
Irvington-on-Hudson, New York 


1 have found that many athletes have 
sulfered severe side effects from a steady 
dict of steroids. Advocacy articles like the 
Brechers’ have the power to make im- 


pressionable persons run to their doctors 
demanding a prescription for a drug 
they really don't need and shouldn't таке. 
Douglas Nassif 
Los Angeles, California 


From now on, I'm taking a copy of the 
Brechas’ article on my nightly singles 
bar rounds. How can anyone argue with 
doctor's orders? 

Linc Smedley 
Little Rock, Arkansas 


e of anabolism be increased 
n? 


Can the rat 
by masturbati 


Albert Viera 

Bronx, New York 

According to our authors, there's. no. 

scientific data available concerning this 

question. They suggest that you check it 
out for yourself. 


After reading the Brechers' article, I've 
decided to take their advice—Lm start- 
ing a harem. 

Bill Toback 


San Francisco, California 


TV JEEBLES 
Re And a Picture Tube Shall Lead 
Them (pLavuoy, June), by John Leonard: 
Apparently unknown to Leonard, there 
are still some troglodytes who have man- 
ged to avoid infatuation with the tube. 
Randy Webster 
Knoxville, Tennessee 


If TV is indicative of our culture, God 
help us all 

Perry Arboste 

Austin, Texas 


TV is the best sedative on the market. 
Jean Cooper 
Newark, New Jersey 

At last. The identity of the Sunday 


Times's pseudonymous TV critic re- 
vealed! (Or did everyone except me 
already know anyway?) Cyclops is John 
Leonard! 


John S. Flagg 
Arlington, Massachusetts. 


You're right, John, but a little late. 
We exposed Leonard as Cyclops when 
we featured him in “On the Scene” in 


October of 1973. 


Television programing is not a unify- 
ing force—it's a premeditated conspiracy 
to keep the masses dumb. 

Art Truman 
New York, 


New York 


John Leonard is a snob. 
Pete Stockton 
Biloxi, Mississippi 


ALMA MATTERS 

Is There Life After High School? 
LAYHOY, June), by Ralph Keyes, really 
home. As I slide down the banister of 


Decisions...decisions... Make your decision 


PALL МАЦ, 


ou 
‚ = "Low tar- 
(only 8 mg.) 


20 FILTER s 
CIGARETTES 


“TAR” В MGS. OR LESS AV. PER CIG. 


PALL MALL GOLD 100's PALL MALL EXTRA MILD 
The great taste of fine It's lower in tar than 98% 
Pall Mall tobaccos. of all cigarettes sold. 

Not too strong, not too light. Made extra mild by 

Not too long. Tastes just right. the Air-Stream Filter. 


Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined 


That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. Pall Mall 100's с... 19 mg. "tar. 14 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette, ЕТС Report Apr. 76. 
Pall Mall Extra Mild ... 8 mg. "tar", 0.8 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette by FTC method. 


PLAYBOY 


Early Times has 
turned a Tomcat 


| loose. Tomcat is a 


you need is a little *Bar-Tender' s" Tomcat 

Instant Mix) Early Times and a splash 

of water. If you're looking for a great new drink, 

let Early Times bring out the Tomcat in you. 
Ask for Tomcat Instant Mix at your favorite 

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"Tomcat glasses and four packets of 

"Tomcat Instant Mix, send $3.95 to: 

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Offer valid only where legal = limited ime only 


Early Times. To know us is to love us. 


KENTUCKY STRAIGHT BOURBON WHISKY » BE AND ВО PROOF » EARLY TIMES DISTILLERY CO., LOUISVILLE, KI Ococ 1976 


life, I remember high school as one big 
splinter in the a 


Keith Raykowski 
Bozeman, Montana 


I was one of those guys who were real 
schleps in high school—bad in sports, 
bad with girls, bad with grades, etc. 
What a relief to find out I'm not alone. 
Randy Seltzer 
New York, New York 


I was a hotshot in high school and I'm 
still a hotshot. What more can I say? 
Steve Rizzuto 

Des Moines. Iowa 


Ralph Keyess picce on high school 
memorabilia, particularly the section fea- 
turing old yearbook pictures, is great 
stult. Unfortunately, however, Keyes left 
one out—Hugh Hefner's yearbook pic. 
Surely, he graduated from high school 

Tom Corbett 
Chicago, Illinois 

Hefner graduated (43th in а class of 
212) from Steinmetz High School in 
Chicago in 1944. He was elected presi 
dent of the student council and vice 
president of the acting and literary 

males 


clubs. Upon graduation, his с 


voted him Class Humorist, One of the 


Most Artistic, One of the Best Orators, 
One of the Most Popular, One of the Best 
Dancers and One of the Most Likely to 
Succred. During his high school career 
Hefner wrote short stories and radio 
plays and worked on his own cartoon strip. 
"Goo Нее the inscription on his 
yearbook picture (above). was the name 


of his original comic-strip character. 


WORK QUIRKS 


Caution: Women at Work! (pLaynoy, 


inc) shows a nearly nude woman run. 


ning an acetylene cutting torch. I hope 
to God you superimposed the sparks, 
but it doesn't look like it. I have been 
dly burned through heavy clothing 
nd leather shoes by the flying bits of 


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PLAYBOY 


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that winds belween a pair of KOSS K/145's. 


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molten metal produced by a cutting 
torch. Worse yet, the woman's cyes are 
unprotected. Unforgivable! 
Rod Steffen 
Ames, Iowa 


KID STUFF 

I couldn't resist sending the May cover 
of The Washingtonian, D.C.'s city m: 
zine, to you. As you can sce, PLAYBOY is 


used to illustrate its cover story, “What- 
ever Happened to Childhood?” 
Lawrence Pittsky 


Washington, D.C. 


SPECTACLE SPECTACLE 

In the June Dear Playboy, you show 
March Playmate Ann Pennington with 
glasses on, saying that she wore them as 
March Playmate. I checked that issue 
and she does not have her glasses on in 
the centerfold 


George J. Forrest 
Havertown, Pennsylyania 


Are you guys just testing us to sce il 

we look at your centerfold girls’ faces? 
Steve Solcz 

iuct, New York 


ke, gang. 


Uh, just our little jo 


DIGGING DEBBIE 
Your June Playmate. Debra Peterson 
will win Playmate of the Year with her 
face alone. 
н. Olin Peets 
Massena, New York 


In regard to. Debbie Peterson’s state 
ment that she doesn’t like being the cen 
ter of attention: If being the best 
centerfold of the year isn't being the 
center of attention, I'll eat my hat. 

Donald R. Elgan 
New Washington, Indiana 


Choosing a 1977 Playmate of the Year 
will be a very difhcult decision, but my 
money will be on Debra. 

Alex Savas 
New York, New York 


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PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 


jru's new military government has 
banned Santa Claus and PLAYBOY, 
Citing both as "alien forces" As a coun- 
termeasure, PLAYBOY is banning Peru. 
А 


Tennessee's Knoxville Journal pro- 
vided its readers with this eye-opening 
income-tax tip: “If you and your spouse 
each had income, you may file separate 
returns if you choose. Each should also 
report only his or her seductions.” 

In England recently, an elderly lord 
married a young thing 40 years his junior. 
The London Times account of this 
touching story informs us that “The 
bridegroom's gift to the bride was an 
antique pendant.” 


. 

Police in Oxnard, California, arrested 
a woman found sitting nude behind the 
wheel of a car. When asked to explain 
her lack of attire, the woman claimed 
she was a camel in Morocco and that the 
palm trees along the road proved it. 

. 

Assemblyman Fred Chiei of Anchorage, 
Alaska, is planning to introduce a bill 
prohibiting “flatulence, crepitation, gase- 
ous emission and miasmic effluence," 
which, in case you don't know, is legalese 
for farting. The ordinance, which Chiei 
claims “isn’t so ridiculous,” would make 
breaking wind in public a misdemeanor 
punishable by a $100 fine. When asked 
how he would enforce the law, Chiei said 
he would employ "vigilante squads.” Yes, 
and they'll probably be stationed right 
outside diners that serve bear 


. 

Over an article about a movement to 
curb pornography on cable TV, New 
York's Town & Village ran this headline: 
"PORNO MEETS STIFF OPPOSITION,” 

А 

Robert Van Bergen of San Diego com- 

plained to a credit-card firm that his 


name had been misspelled as Vanbergen 
on his card. So he returned it, 
directing the company to put a space be- 
tween the Van and the Bergen. А new 
card arrived, made out—sure enough—to 
Robert Vanspace Bergen. 

• 

Tradewinds, the in-house publication 
of the Motorola Company, ran this in- 
teresting classified ad: “Getting married, 
must sell: Trapeze, whip, size 13 black 
high top boots, extra heavy duty king-size 
bed frame and mattress.” 

5 

The Givil Rights Division of the De- 
partment of Health, Education and Wel 
fare ruled that school officials in Del 
Norte, Colorado, cannot forbid boys to 
wear beards without a similar prohibition 
against beards on girls. 


new 


When Telly Savalas ran his colt, Tel- 
lys Pop, at San Francisco's Bay Meadows 
race track, a large group of fans showed 
up, one of them carrying a sign: po IF 
THE GREEK WAY, COME FROM. BEHIND. 

. 

You think you have bureaucracy prob- 
lems? The Russian newspaper Sotsial- 
isticheskaya Industria recently reported 
that it required three technological insti 
tutes to come up with an acceptable 
booklet of instructions on care and main- 
tenance of raincoats. “For the good of 
this rubber coat,” the booklet reads, 
“wear it on wet or rainy days. Hang it 
in a dark place and do not dry this gar- 
ment in an open fire.” The article also 
points out that the Soviets have yet to 
develop a can opener that works. 

E 

In an article about Brigitte Bardot's 
campaign to protect baby seals from 
being slaughtered to make fur coats, the 
Wilmington, Delaware, Evening Journal 
reported: “Miss Bardot has learned a bit 
about humans through the course of three 
husbands and a string of boyfriends. . . . 
She prefers animals 


. 

Robert Barnes of Minneapolis, the au- 
thor of the book Are You Safe from 
Burglars?, has been sentenced to three 
prison terms of up to five years each for 
his part in enginecring—you guessed it— 
five burglaries. 

E 

A Montreal version of TV Guide re- 
cently misprinted a listing of "Let's Scare 
Jessica to Death” as "Let's Score Jessica 
to Death.” 

. 

A reader swears this is true: A man 
was admitted to a Colorado hospital with 
a concussion, second-degree burns on his 
back and shoulders, a broken arm and a 
severely lacerated penis. Seems the poor 
guy had been toweling off in the shower 


19 


PLAYBOY 


20 


when the family Siamese cat leaped up 
and playfully sank its claws into its 
owner's dangling member. Alarmed, the 
man jumped into the air, breaking an 
overhead water pipe with his head and 
sustaining a concussion in the process. 
Steam spewed from the broken pipe, 
scalding his back and shoulders. About 
the broken arm: While orderlics were 
arrying the man down the stairs to an 
ambulance, his wife described what had 
happened; the attendants laughed so hard 
they dropped the stretcher and its occu- 
pant down a flight of stairs. 
E 


After padlockin 
in a suburb of Little Rock, Arkansas, 
the local sheriff's deputies hung this sign 
on the establishment’s door: CLOSED— 
BEAT IT. 


a house of ill repute 


б 

The Upstate Trial Attorneys Asocia- 
tion of Syracuse, New York, recently 
scheduled a dinner meeting to discuss a 
diiver-rehabilitation program for alcohol- 
related motor-vehicle offenses. The dinner 
s preceded by cocktails. 

. 

A Japanese man accused of breaking 
into 60 houses wearing nothing but under- 
pants and. gloves explained upon arrest: 

r my 


“I thought it dangerous to w 
clothes, because I had stolen them! 


PLAYBOY'S 
HALL OF 
FLEETING FAIVE 


Voted in 


for her contribution to 
science, a professor of neurological sur- 
gery and psychology at a western uni- 
versity, who, after a year of research, 
concluded that the size of а woman's 
bust is an important factor in whether 
or not she gets rides while hitchhiking. 


ITS WORTH $2 


arvin Friedenn's credentials as а 
M self-proclaimed Jewbilly aestheti- 
cian include a near miss at a Ph.D. in 
classics and comparative literature. He 
knows that the Treasury Department 
is already planning some changes in the 
two-dollar bill, but as far as he's con- 
cemed, the damage has been done: 

Lamentably, but predictably, the 
new Two Dollar Bill, Series 1976—as 
this numbered, limited-issue engrav- 
ing is known by its creator, the U.S. 
Treasury Department—fulfills nearly 
every diché about institutional art 
produced by a committee. Although 
Thomas Jefferson is among the more 
even featured of our Presidents, and 
his hair style is in keeping with the 
Mod Seventies. the gauzy portrait of 
him here completely lacks the punch 
of the classic one-dollar Washington or 
the modernist fivedollar Lincoln. 

Moreover, by repeating the words 
Two DOLLARS no fewer than five times 
on the front, the artist seems need. 
lessly defensive about the pos 
of someone's mistaking his new bill 
for a two-cent piece. 
however, is the removal of the coun 
try's name from irs usual lofty and 
dignified position—across the top of 
the bill—down to a place of obscurity 
beneath the floor boards of the de- 
sign. It makes one wonder if the 
Treasury Department is still part of 
the United States Government, or has 
it already relocated in Switzerland? 

On the reverse side, your T-men in 
Artistic Action have removed the 
tranquil, pastoral portrait of Moni 


BUT IS ITART? 


cello—so redolent ol optimistic Augus- 
tan rationalism and fresh —and 
have substituted Trumbull’s dreary 
depiction of the signing of the Dec- 
ration of Independence. Trumbull 
apparently had a thing for men seated 
with crossed legs. so that the general 
effect is of a gay floorshow in a home 
for the really aged. Or of a slave sale. 
There is some historical confusion 
about the painting, because the orig- 
inal was lost in a fire in 1813. The 
one that appears on the two-dollar 
bill is, in f. slightly bowdlerized 
imi forgery done by Hab- 
bakuk Tremont in 1810. This noto- 
rious forger, counterfeiter and tiller 
with American history substituted his 
own face for that of Virginia delegate 
Benjamin Harrison, seated at a desk 
in the left foreground with a pen in 
his hand. Also, the forgery doesn't 
represent the actual moment of signing 
but, rather, a few minutes later, when 
Jelferson presented John Hancock with 
the bar bill. Thus the pained look on 
Hancock's face, Close inspection of the 
new engraving reveals that one of the 
Colonial Representatives (second row, 
fifth from left) was an Oriental, an- 
other (first row, fourth from left) was a 
black man and a third (standing closest 
to the door) was a woman. In the 
original painting, as well as the forgery. 
a nude girl balancing a tankard ap- 
peared just behind Hancock. But the 
present engraver priggishly has struck 
out the nude and substituted three 
delegates from New Jersey. Not ex- 
actly, in our opinion, a fair exchange. 


A cigarette owes? 
me something. — 

Enjoyment. 
ms Wer duci lot 


of fresh menthol. I owe it to myself 
to get all the enjoyment I can get. 


Salem Longs. 


| Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined 
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health 


19 mg. "tar", 1.2 mg. nicotine av. per cigerette, FTC Report APR. 76. 


22 


TRAVEL 


Rs away to sea 
uscd to be a common 
dream of romantic youth. 
Climbing the fog shrouded 
gangway to the rusty old 
tramp while Wolf Larsen 
looked down from the 
bridge; 
crew of sullen 
ready to mutiny at the 
least excuse. The best you 
can do today is run away 
to the Merchant Marine 
Academy. an act that 
doesn't have quite the 
same devil-may-care qual- 
ity about it. Or you can 
ride a freighter, as a pas- 
senger, for money. It's 


engers, and the re- 
tired couple from Cleve 
land in the next cabin 
may be pleasant to talk to, 
but they probably aren't 
ready for anything steamy. 
Couples is the way to go. 
A foursome would be even 
better. 

And are you really 
ready for life at sea? One 
man's long, relaxing days 

n the brisk salt air are 
nother man's terminal 
boredom, Think about 
and even if you just in- 
herited $10,000,000 and 
told your boss to stick it 
ear, don’t start out 


not something Eugene 
O'Neill or Jack London 
would get off on, but you 
might enjoy the trip. 
Freighter travel is one 
of those things everyone 
is vaguely aware of but 


“Ask yourself if a freighter cruise is 


really what you want. One man’s relaxing days 
in brisk salt air are.another's terminal boredom.” 


by signing up for a vip 
around the world, You 
may wind up 
funny farm. 
If freighter travel truly 
appeals to you, you've got 
a lot of company. One linc 


almost nobody knows 

much about. You hear stories from time 
ne about somebody falling into a 
got him from New York to 


no for $42.50, but the storytellers 
never seem to. 


ave any details. Actually, 


bsolute rock- 


е to be your choice. 
ht of sleeping in your seat on a 
tic flight leaves you feeling as if 
you've been encased in lard up to your 
waist. 

A sca voyage has its legendary charms, 
and freighters are definitely the cheapest 
way to enjoy them. A 14day Caribbean 
cruise on one of the plusher passenger 
liners costs a minimum of 5995 a person. 
A 30-day Caribbean cruise on a freighter 
costs $900. That averages out to $30 a 
day for food, accommodations and a sea 
view. On the passenger ship, your $995 
would buy you two weeks in a windowless 
cubicle with bunks, so far down in the 
you can hear the bilge water slosh- 
ing under the floor boards. On the freight- 
ст, $900 gets you a month in a 
with beds, private toilet and 
windows. All the cabins on a freighter 
are outside, on an upper deck, amidships. 
senger ship, that position would 
cost $2235—for a 14-day cruise. 
arly all freighters are air conditioned 
а few even have swimming pools. 
ve to bring their own booze 
on some ships, but French and Italian 
ships usually serve wine with every meal. 
On most lines, you can buy liquor on 
board at prices averaging less than half 
of what you would pay ashore. Some ships 
hav? small stores that stock cigarettes, 
soap, tooth paste and the like; on others 


you have to take your own. Some have 
laundry facilities; on others you have to 
wash out your undies in the sink. Most 
vessels have а lounge and a di 
if the food isn’t great, the cook 
hauled. 

"There are disadvantages. Since passen- 
per revenue is just petty cash for ship- 
Owners, whose moncy is in cargo, the 
ships movements are completely gov- 
cerned by where that cargo is. You can 
be holding two tickets on a vessel 
scheduled to sail out of New York on 
the 13th and find out at the last minute 
that it won't leave until the 18th—from 
Baltimore. Ports of call can be added or 
є the ship is at sea, and what 
vertised as a 30-day voyage may 
turn out to be 35 days, or 28. If you want 
to travel by freighter, you gotta be loose. 

Some of the grander freighter cruises, 
to Southeast Asia or Australia, for ex- 
ample, take as long as four months. If 
you are lacking that Kind of leisure, а 
Mediterranean cruise starting at New 
York and stopping at Cádiz, Barcelona, 
Naples, Piraeus, Izmir, Istanbul, Leghorn 
and Genoa before returning to the U.S. 
is scheduled for 30 days. 

Passenger liners on cruises tend to pull 
into exotic ports just long enough for the 
passengers to buy some authentic local 
airport art in the colorful native market, 
On a freighter, you may spend a week in 
port, using the ship as your hotel while 
you explore ashore. 

Belore you rush out to buy tickets, 
though, ask yourself seriously if a freight- 
er cruise is really what you want. CI 
for a shipboard romance are very slim. 
Freighters сату a maximum of 12 


offers a cruise around 
South America that is booked up for 
three years. Most trips aren't quite that 
popular, but it is a good idea to get on 
the waiting list at least a year in advance. 
Waiting time may be somewhat shorter 
n the slick season; lines crossing the 
Atlantic even reduce their fares during 
the winter months. 

Ford's Freighter Travel Guide is a good 
source of detailed information on what 
lines run ships to where. It is published 
twice a year and you can get a copy by 

sending $4.50. to P.O. Box 505, Wood- 
ip and Hills, 91364. 

agents won't handle 
ig gs, because the commis- 
sions aren't big enough to justify the 
paperwork. The Ford guide lists some 
100 agents in the U. S. and Canada who 
will, and an agent who knows what he's 
doing can eliminate hassles: advise you 
on passports, visas and inoculations, for 
example. 

The con zed, automated freight- 
ers being built now have no space for 
passengers, so the number of passenger- 
carrying freighters is declining and the 
waiting lists are getting longer. If you 
want to try this style of travel, don't 
dawdle. 


Upwards of 70 steamship lines with 
offices or agents in the U carry pas- 
sengers from North American ports to 
almost any country on earth. You can 
even do Phileas Fogg ten better and sail 
with American President Lines around 
the world in 70 days ($3565 per person, 
double). For a totally arbitrary selection 
of trips we trust will arouse your interest, 
write to Playboy Reader Service, 919 N. 
Michigan Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 60611. 


“A LESSON IN 
ARROW DYNAMIC” 


Aerodynamic styling 
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Tilt-steerin 
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features like 


tinted glass. 


The optional Silent- 
Shaft engine is most 
likely the quietest and 
smoothest 4-cylinder 
around 


Standard power 
front disc brakes and 
variable-ratio steering 
for superb handling. 


NEW PLYMOUTH ARROW has some important points 
every economy car could learn from. First, Arrow 
prices start at 93,1751. And that price includes 
extras you can't even order on Rabbit, Pinto, and 
Chevette. Butif you want your Arrow packed with even 
more goodies, order an Arrow GS, priced at only 
93,3831. Ora fancy Arrow GT at $3,748f. 

And Arrow's gas economy is also 
something to boast about. That's why we 
put it in those big numbers at the right. 

But economy doesn't stop there. 
Arrow is made to be easily serviced, too. 
The oil plug and filter are accessible from above the 
engine. So, you can change the oil and filter yourself. 

And if you've ever listened to the radio in a 
four-cylinder economy car, you know the engine 
sometimes gets louder than the radio. Now comes 
Arrow's available Silent-Shaft four-cylinder engine. 


1600 cc Arrow 


Standard comfort 


bucket seats and 


Like all Chrysler built 

cars, Arrow is covered 
by a warranty so strong 
we call it "The Clincher’ 


ЕРА ESTIMATES” 


39724 


hwy. б «i 


Arrow 
from $ 


Arrow comes with a 
hatchback standard with 
enough room for over 
18 bags of groceries. 


орав range 


reclining 175-93,748. 


So you can order a 
straight Arrow or a 
fancy Arrow. 


Arrow can use 


Flow-through 
leaded or unleaded gas 


ventilation system 
helps keep the windows 
from fogging. 


Talk about quiet, it's even quieter and smoother 
than a six-cylinder engine. 

Just because Arrow is a little economy car, 
doesn’t mean it has a little economy warranty. Read 
Arrow’s warranty and you'll see what we mean: For 
the first 12 months of use, any Chrysler Corporation 
dealer will fix, without charge for parts or 
labor, any part of our 1976 passenger cars 
we supply (except tires) which proves 
defective in normal use, regardless of 
mileage. You're only responsible for nor- 
mal maintenance like changing filters 
and wiper blades. And a warranty this strong just 
has to be called “The Clincher” 

Congratulations. You've just finished “A Lesson In 
Arrow-Dynamics:’ Now the test. Put down this book. 
Take out an Arrow at your Chrysler-Plymouth dealer. 
You'll get the point we've been trying to make. 


GT, 5-speed. 


Introdudng Plymouth Arrow. Lr 


What more cam a 


ittle car give? 


CHRYSLER 
CORPORATION. 


Sticker price, excludingtaxes and destination charges. Options on car pictured: wheel rings ($32), cloth-and-vinyl seats and stripe ($48) 
*Your actual mileage may differ depending on your driving habits, your car's condition, and its optional equipment. Calif. mileage lower. 


24 


rry Merchant uncontestably, one 
L of our best and most successful sports- 
writers, a fact that speaks far more clo- 
quendy of the requirements of the craft 
than of the talents of Merchant. One of 
journalism's healthiest myths contends 
that the most elevating prose in your 
basic big-city daily can often be found 
on the sports pages. Bur, in fact, most 
sports columnists write the language м 
the same skill апа grace as that with 
which their subjects speak it, which is to 
say poorly. Merchant is not that bad, but 
his sententious style and insight, com- 
pressed to a false importance in New 
York Post columns, hardly merit collec 
tion into Ringside Seat ot the Circus (Holt, 
Rinehart & Winston). He does offer some 
worthwhile offbeat selections, such as a 
chat with a Manhattan M.D. who treats 
the temis elbows of the stars. Neverthe- 
less, if you buy this book, what you'll 
own is a whole lot of daily sports col- 
umns held together by the author's 
pretentious mortar of postscript commen- 
tary: “With two veteran athletes whose 
tics are familiar . . . you can attempt to 
get beneath the skin, as I did in those 
two cases.” That kind of claim merely 
gets under ош 


. 

One of the minor characters in Paul 
"Fheroux's The family Arsenal (Houghton 
Mifflin) detests the theater, deriving his 


only pleasure from those unpredictable 
moments between acts when the stage: 
hands, attempting to change sets, stumble 
the darkness and odd thumping noises 
emerge from behind the curtain. The- 
roux has the same attitude toward revo- 
lution. Political gestures are theatrical: 
They do not inspire change. But when 
the whole world is a stage, who changes 
the sets? The Family Arsenal is a bril- 
liant, loving portrait of a group of Irish 

an Army Provos stationed in 


Ringside: sports in a scrapbook. 


"Most sports columnists write 
the language with the same 
skill and grace as that with 

which their subjects speak it, 

which is to say poorly.” 


ear for the stumbling discoveries that 
occur in the darkness: he restores the 
human element to politics. 


. 
What—another book cataloging a 
woman's painful childhood and ado- 


lescence, problems with Mother, sexual 
frustrations? Havent we had enough 
with Gail Parents Sheila Levine Is 
Dead and Living in New York and 
Mix Shulman's Memoirs of an Ex-Prom 
Queen? Well, forget about those two 


novels, because theres a new star 
in the galaxy. She's Margaret Atwood, 

nadian poet and novelist, and she's 
damned good. Not perfect but much 
bener than her sisters who made the 
single life sound like a stint in purga 
tory. Atwood's heroine in her third novel, 
lody Oreck (Simon & Schuster), is Joan 
Foster, a.k.a. Louisa К. Delacourt, closet 
scrivener of costume gothics. The novel 
opens with Joan. officially declared dead. 
uying to start a new life in Italy. And 
по wonder. Her old life was a wreck. 
She grows up fat: loses her virginity to 
a Polish count who writes trashy nurse 
romances; marries Arthur, а morose radi- 
cal who doesn't know about her writing 
i babysis the dynamite when 
hur's friends decide to blow up a 
bridge; has an affair with Royal Porcu- 
pine. a preposterous artist who steals the 
explosives; pens a best seller hailed as 
a cross between Kahlil Gibran and Rod 
MeKuen; and then decides to chuck it 
all when she suspects that Arthur knows 
about her fat past and clandestine pres- 
ent. She stages her own drowning and flees 
to Italy, only to face still more unbcliev- 
able complications. Embellishing the 
main plot—which is studded with nu- 
merous, sometimes time-boggling flash- 
backs—are hilirious passages from Joan/ 
Louisa’s potboilers. The only major fault 
with this work is that it slips into the 
ludicrous a litle too much, a little too 
often. But no matter. Lady Oracle is 
outrageously funny. 


QUICK READS 


Michael Medved ond Dovid Wallechinsky / 
What Really Happened to the Class of ‘65? 
(Random House): The 1965 Time cover 
story on the kids at Palisades High in 
suburban L.A. is brought up to date as 
30 class members look back on their 
lives then and since. The oral. tradition 

is alive and. well 


spoiled rich girl, 
steals and holds 
for ransom а 
painting she ad. 
mired as a child. 
Hood, ап Am 
ican who once 
served asa consul 
Vietnam, suf- 
fers a vague urge 
to right wrongs; 
he swipes a room- 
ful of goods from 
а fence. His com- 
panion asks what 
he proposes to 
do with 20 tele 
ision sets. “Get 
20 people and 
watch them.” 
Theroux has an 


Two disparate picture books: Ansel Adams’ 
Photographs of the Southwest (Little, Brown 
for the New York Graphic Society) and Dirty 
Movies, “Тһе Illustrated History of Stag Films, 
1915-1970," edited by Al 
gers professor Gerald Rabkin (Chelsea House). 


‚| in Southern 
California, 

William Murray / 
Horse Fever 
(Dodd, Mead): 
Thoroughbred 
race horses, the 
track, the famous 
jockeys (from 
Shoemaker and 
Arearo to the 
controversial 
Mary Bacon), 
lips on picking 
the winners— 
in short, every. 
thing you'd want 
to know about 
racing, told with 
considerable wit 
and style. 


Lauro, text by Rut- 


PLAYBOY PREFERRED NOW 


THERE'S A FALL 
FULL OF FUN 
WAITING FOR 
PLAYBOY CLUB 
KEYHOLDERS 


CHICAGO — Just because 
summer is almost over isn't 
апу reason to stop having 
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The big news at the Chicago 
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There's exciting music and 
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wonder. It's an entire night 
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you at all Playboy Clubs. 
New stars on the rise. The 
Playboy Club was the place 
to see Barbra Streisand, Dick 
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before their names became 
household. words. 

The food? To your taste, what- 
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from а casual Sunday "Au- 
tumn in New York" brunch to 
a feast fit for an emperor in 
Chicago's VIP Room. 

When it's cocktail time, the 
place is The Playboy Club. 
Genercus drinks are the spe- 
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of all, theyre served by 
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There's a whole world of fun 
waiting for you ot Playboy. 


Playboy 


CHICAGO — Windy City 
keyholders have joined the 
rarks of those who now enjoy 
the Playboy Preferred Dinner. 
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As part of their Key benefits 
package, they've received 
Playboy Preferred Passtooks, 
just one of many Keyholders* 
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опе courtesy dinner when 
another is purchased at more 
than 50 top restaurants in 
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cluded in the program are 
such Chicago landmarks as 
The Stock Yard Inn and the 
Epicurean; international din- 
ing spots like the Abacus and 
Chef Karl's Edelweiss Inn. 
There's even an offer of two 
tickets for the price of one 
to the famed Second City 
theater. 


Playboy Preferred Passbooks 
оге now available for New 
York and Cincinnati as well 
as Chicago. Keyholders can 
pick up Passbooks for any 
city in which they are offered 
simply by presenting their 
Key at the Club їп that city. 


PLAYBOY CLUB 
KEYHOLDING 
MADE EASY 


Now you can charge 
your Playboy Club 
other 
Playboy Club pur- 
chases—to any of 
five major credit cards: 
American Express, 
BankAmericard, Carte 
Blanche, Diners Club 
or Master Charge. 


Key—cnd all 


TO: Playboy Clubs International, Inc. 
P.O. Box 2704; Blair, Nebraska 68009 

Please send me my Playboy Club International Key. I will 
pay my $25 initial Key fee as follows: 


О Bill me later 


[Û Charge my [ American Express; C] BankAmericard; 
0 Carte Blanche; [J] Diners Club; or [J] Master Charge. 


Account No. 


Exp. Date 


IN CHICAGO & NEW YORK 


Interbank No. (MC only). 


LJ My check for $25 is enclosed. (Make payable to Playboy 


Clubs International, Inc.) 
Signature. 


Name. 


(Please Print) 


Address, 
City, State, Zip Code, 


Apt. No.. 


ae AS 


AT PLAYBOY RESORTS 


Like hills splashed with au- 
tumn color? Bright blue-skied 
days and nights with a little 
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great outdoors at Playboy's 
luxurious allseasons Resorts. 
Playboy Club keyholders can 
enjoy both these fabulous re- 
soris—the Playboy Resort & 
Country Club at Great Gorge 
ard the Playboy Resort & 
Country Club at Lake 
Geneva—at 10 percent off 
the regular room rates. It's 
one of the benefits built into 
а Playboy Club Key. 

Both Resorts offer great 
championship golf courses— 
more attractive than ever in 
autumn’s clear, cool weather 
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In the evening, you'll find all 
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city night life waiting for you 
right on the premises. Top- 
name entertainment in the 
showrooms; a Playboy Club 
at each for keyholders only. 


You can make reservations 
at either of these luxury get- 
away spots simply by calling 
Playboy's central reserva- 
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1 You'll save 10 percent, too, 
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1 and at Playboy Towers in 
! Chicago. And there's still 
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i percent off оп an entire 
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26 


ome peripheral horseplay by James 

Caan and Elliott Gould, as a pair of 
vaudeville song-and-dance men back in 
the Gay Nineties, almost conquers the 
weaknesses of Harry ond Walter Go to New 
York, a fairly flabby period comedy that 
looks like The Sting without the style. 
The actors try hard. While Caan and 
Gould np it up, Michael Caine and 
Diane Keaton provide a counterpoint of 
cool drollery—Caine as a millionaire safe- 
cracker whose example convinces the 
hoofers, after they meet him in prison, 
that robbing a bank might be easier than 
mproving their act; Diane as a radical 
social reformer who decides to join them 
in larceny in order to finance a milk 
fund. If a bank must be robbed, Diane 
reasons, “let it be robbed in the name 
of decency.” Harry and Walter sounds 
promising—and, indeed, gets off to a fast 
start—but the screenplay by John Byrum 
and Robert Kaufman goes into a decline 
about halfway through, becoming so 
strained and convoluted that the stars 
have to keep spinning their wheels to 
make the fun scem livelier than it actu- 
ally is. Director Mark (Cinderella Lib- 
erty) Rydell, no slacker when it comes to 
pacing, pushes Harry and Walter with the 
desperate, unbridled energy of a born 
pitchman who sells a nickel's worth of 
patent medicine as if it were a new mira- 
cle drug. 


• 

As а sex symbol, singer David Bowie 
(see this month's Playboy Interview, 
page 57) drops into an androgynous 
slot somewhere between Mick Jagger and 
Marlene Dietrich. Whether or not Bowie 
can really act scems almost irrelevant. in 
The Mon Who Fell to Earth, for his potent 
screen presence adds both mystery and 
a kind of ghoulish glamor to director 
Nicolas Roeg's cerie, hypnotic futuristic 
fantasy based on a novel by Walter 
Tevis. Roeg, a onetime cinematographer, 
cares more about visual stimuli than 
about coherent storytelling (Don’t Look 
Now, his stunning thriller w Julie 
Christie and Donald Sutherland, а 
case in point), and there are gaps in the 
plot of The Man Who Fell to Eayth that 
boggle the mind. It’s a dazzling picce of 
work, anyway, stylish and provocative— 
with Bowie as a spaced-out interp! 
veler who suddenly appears 
civilized world with a bluepri for 
taking over Big Business that instantly 
renders RCA, Du Pont and Kodak ob- 
solete. Calling himself Mr. Thomas 
Jerome Newton, he blasts off as a How- 
ard Hughes of industry by founding a 
“technologically overstimulating" organi 
zation known as World Enterprises. 
He meets a definitely ordinary girl who 
becomes his carthling princes (a role 
played with spunk and spirit by Candy 


Harry and Walter: wild pitch. 


“Harry and Walter is a 
fairly flabby period comedy 
that looks like The Sting 
without the style.” 


Clark) and assembles an entourage led 
by an acqu 
playing it straight to uncanny effect be- 
hind a pair of Goke-bottle specs) and 
an oversexed college professor ( 
Torn). In the adaptation devised by Paul 
Mayersberg, Newton's mission among us 
remains pretty vague, though he appears 
to be concerned about water sources for 
a dry. dying planet where most of his 
loved ones wait in vain. He doesn't do 
an awful lot about the water problem, 
but Bowie makes the visitor considerably. 
more than a fag Newton as he conquers 


this frenetic planet. Ultimately trapped 
here and driven to drink, The Man Who 
Fell ends up as a fallen hero in every 
sense. “I think maybe Mr. Newton has 
had enough,” says a tolerant bartender 
at the climax of an ironic and imagina- 
tive drama that’s full of flaws. but for- 
givable ones, all fused by Rocg's blazing 
ality and Bowie's extrasensory star 


. 

Simon's Murder by Death, а deadly 
disappointment, features Peter Falk, 
James Coco, Peter Sellers, David Niven, 


Maggie Smith and Elsa Lanchester as a 
haunted houscful of the world's most fa- 
mous fictional detectives, “cordially in- 
vited to dinner and a murder.” Author 
Truman Capote plays their diabolical 
host, simpering away with the help of a 
blind butler named Bensonmum (Alec 
Guinness) and a deaf-mute cook named 
Yeua (Nancy Walker). The big surprise 
about Murder by Death is that Simon— 
who has practically never written a flop 
for stage or screen—appears to have 
knocked off this whodunit parody as i| 
he were stretching out, interminably, a 
onc-joke sketch for a TV comedy special. 
Routinely directed by Robert Moore, who 
renders homage to Mel Brooks here and 
there, Murder by Death is littered with 
cheap shots and the obvious sophomoric 
humor any hack might devise for Sellers, 
as an Oriental sleuth named Sidney 
or for en and Smith, as а chic 
Thin Man-ish couple named Dick and 
Dora Charleston. Falk's imitation of Bo- 
gart, as Sam Diamond the private сус, 
is funny for about five minutes. Murder 
by Death is essentially a private joke 
a real hoot for the performers, perhaps, 
but slim pickings for the moviegoer— 
and seldom achieves the gala, stylish air 
that made Murder on the Orient E: 
press superbly entertaining. A computer 
programmed to dream up а celebrity rally 
yielding maximum profits might logically 
suggest just such a line-up. For Capote, a 
wretched actor, it must have been a nice 
vacation from writing. But did Simon 
have to take Ais vacation at the same 
time? 


. 

Colorado in 1908—when the horseless 
carriage collided with the traditions of 
hoss opera—is the setting for The Great 
Scout and Cathouse Thursday, which happen 
to be title roles played, respectively, 
by Lee Marvin and Kay Lenz In the 
rowdy frame of mind that made his Cat 
Ballou a memorable Western klutz, Mar- 
vin portrays a frontier hero determined 
to wheedle, steal or extort from a railroad 
tycoon (Robert Culp) the $60,000 he 
figures is owed to him as his share of a 


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27 


PLAYBOY 


28 


Warning: The Surgeon General Has 
Determined That Cigarette Smoking 
15 Dangerous to Your Health. 


Filter: 20 mg. "tar", 1.5 mg. nicotine 
av. per cigarette by FIC method. 


gold strike. Kay is a refugee from a broth- 
el who, after being kidnaped with a 
whole bevy of harlots by Marvin's half- 
breed sidekick (Oliver Reed), sees her 
chance to escape from a lesbian madam 
(Sylvia Miles). Reed, over from England, 
drolly plays the redskin as a Harvard 
alumnus and insists he's going to revenge 
himself on the paleface by spreading his 
dose of the dap all the way from the 
wideopen spaces to the White House. 
Great Scout's planned act of vengeance 
is to kidnap the railroad tycoon's wife 
(Elizabeth Ashley), whom he’s long idol- 
ized, and hold her for ransom; the scheme 
sours because she turns out to be а faith- 
less bitch who swears like a mule skinner, 
and her husband suggests that her abduc- 
tors keep her. All the action occurs in or 
near а town called Serenity, where Culp is 
promoting a benefit boxing match to 
finance the Presidential campaign of Wil 
liam Howard Taft. Everything is treated 
with refreshing irreverence by director 
Don Taylor and writer Richard Shapiro, 
and though Great Scout's level of comic 
invention is obviously far broader than it 
is high, any movie that can roll out a 
barrel of laughs these days deserves a 
cordial reception. 


. 

After Rosemary's Baby and The Exor- 
cist, what can a kid do to raise a little 
hell? Well, The Omen poses a discipline 
problem for Gregory Peck and Lee Rem- 
ick, playing the U.S. Ambassador to Eng- 
d and his missus—nominal parents of 
a five-year-old son of а witch who turns 
out to be a fiend incarnate. "The Devil's 
child will rise from the world of politics” 
is the prophecy stated by someone or 
other. Sounds plausible enough. But The 
Omen blows its ideological appeal by sur- 
rendering to the haunted-house approach 
to horor films. Peck, Remick, Billie 
Whitelaw, David Warner, Leo McKern 
and young Harvey Stephens (as the dia- 
bolial tyke) handle all sorts of unnatural 
phenomena with intelligence and discre- 
tion, though their efforts are undone by 
David Selizer's foolishly contrived script, 
Richard Donners bogeyman'll-getcha di- 
rection and an overdose of gore. They 
need a Hitchcock to teach them that you 
don't make the workaday world fearsome 
by turning down the lights and psyching 
your audience with high winds and thun. 
derbolts. The Omen has its chilling mo- 
ments, as well as the germ of a good idea, 
but it tries too hard. When the good guys 
y at midnight and the 
audience laughs, something is amiss. 

. 

When a Polish-French film maker en- 
lists а Swedish cinematographer, several 
Parisian stars and a smattering of Ameri- 
cans—including Shelley Winters, oddly 
cast as the concierge of a shabby French 
apartment house—the chances are good 
that he’s adding international flavor to 
beef up a tepid potboiler. Director 


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Ш 


TR7 WINS AT 
CHARLOTTE, 
LIME ROCK, 
BRIOGEHAMPTON, 
POCONO AND 
NELSON LEDGES 
TOALL BUT LOCK 
UPA SPORTS CAR 
CLUB OF AMERICA 
DIVISION 
CHAMPIONSHIP 

CELEBRATE 
OUR TRIUMPH 
WITH THE 


E. 


= 


For a sports car fo win this many 
victories in only two months of 
competition is unheard-of. 

For the TR7 to have won these 
victories against such fine racing 
veterans as Alfa, Lotus, Datsun and 
Porsche, makes it truly a cause to 
celebrate. 

So, we're celebrating. By offering a 
special TR7 Victory Edition with free 
competition-type spoker wheels, vinyl 
top and racing stripes. At participating 
dealers for a limited time only. 

Considering what these extras 
would cost, this TR7 is an un- 
beatable value as well 
as arace-proven 
winner. 


СА ك‎ 
CS 


FREE 


Spoker Wheels 


The Triumph TR7 Victory Edition. 
One of the few sports cars around 
today that actually earned its stripes. 

Forthe name of your nearest Triumph 
dealer call 800-447-4700. In Illinois 
call 800-322-4400. British Leyland 
Motors Inc., Leonia, New Jersey 07605. 


TRIUMPH 


we 


PLAYBOY 


Roman Polanski's The Tenant is not even 
helped much by the fact that Polanski 
himself plays the title role as a meek 
Parisian clerk who moves into a drab 
furnished room yacated by a suicide 
victim and inexplicably finds himself as- 
suming the dead woman's identity. See- 
ing her friends, wearing her clothes, 
thinking her paranoid thoughts, he is 
ultimately drawn to the same window 
ledge from which she leaped to her death. 
Although his performance is competent, 
Polanski Jacks the charisma that might 
sustain The Tenant's rather slight tale 
of psychological terror. Fine camerawork 
by Sven Nykvist, usually associated with 
the films of Ingmar Bergman, merely 
heightens the impression that а good deal 
ill is being spent here to achieve 
ble results. Beautiful Isabelle 
an Oscar nominee for her per- 
formance in Francois Truffaut's The 
Story of Adele H., is wasted in а pe- 
ripheral role as a sensitive young friend 
of the deceased, while Melvyn Douglas, 
Jo Van Fleet and Winters parlez-vous 
through the French quarter like refugees 
from some Berlitz school of acting, speak- 
ing English with Gallic gestures, The 
Tenant is а well-made but doggedly 
minor movie in which, finally, nobody 
seems to be at home. 
D 

Several years ago, a comedy that took a 
sympathetic look at a female car thief 
might e seemed aggressively amoral. 
So much has changed on the American 
scene of late that the plucky heroine of 
Dandy, the All-American Girl would hardly 
shock your old aunt Tessie. Dandy is just a 
cute kid who knows damned well that you 
don't get to own and drive a Dino Ferrari 
hy toiling from ninc to five as a telephone 
operator or a receptionist; so she attains 
that $20,000 status symbol—with a $200 
junked Volkswagen as her initial ante— 
by stealing. selling off and restealing a 
series of Porsches. It’s a point of honor, 
though, that the Dino Ferrari has to be 
legally hers. The ironic title of Dandy 
should be sufficient hint that producer- 
director Jerry Schatzberg is suggesting a 
cert distortion of yalues in American 
lif at you are is what you've got, and 
how you get it is nobody's business but 
your own. While the message seems less 
than earthshaking, the movie as a whole 


has all sorts of attractive selling points; 
chiefly, the performance of Stockard 
Channing—who played the runaway hei 


ess in The Fortune and is even better a 
а feisty Seattle urchin who's got so much 
chutzpah she takes her court-appointed 
Jawyer out on a shoplifting expedition. 
As the beleaguered lawyer who under- 
standably likes her a lot, Sam Waterston 
fortifies his bid to become another James 
Stewart, and movie newcomer Franklyn 
Ajaye proves a scene stealer as Dandy's 
black buddy. 


X RATED 


weedle Dee and 

‘Tweedle Dum, 
in Bill Osco's X- 
rated musical ver- 
sion of Alice in 
Wonderlend, arc a 
couple of balling, 
bare-bottomed ex- 
hibitionists in tank. 
tops. The Mad 
Hatter is а mad 
flasher and even 
Humpty Dumpty 
appears as а good 
egg who can’t get 
it up. Kristine De 
Bell (our nymph- 
ish April cover girl 
and the Lolita-ish 
young lady in 
month's Helmut 
Newton. pictorial) 
plays Alice with 
aplomb as a mod- 
ern miss who ap- 
pears to have some 
hang-ups about sex 
until she follows 
that rabbit into a 
world of fantasy 
where Lewis 
roll, by compa 
son, ventured only 
on tiptoc. Sup- 
plied with impu- 
dent music and 
lyrics by Bucky 
Searles, Osco plows right in, transforming 
Alice into a wild child's garden of sexual 
innocence—the kind of place where 
le-cyed, reacts to the strange be- 
havior of creatures she encounters with 
such tuneful queries as: “What's а nice 
girl like her doing on a knight like you? 
Osco also has ubiquitous porno star 
Terri Hall, who was originally a dancer, 
kicking up her heels as a chorine—and 
far sexier than she's ever been while 
performing in fist position in the sack. 
Overall, Alice is so totally harmless a con- 
fection that they ought to rate it PG and 
let swinging young parents take their pre- 
cocious kids for a night of family fun 
at the Il 


EAT ME, redefined. 


• 

The slapdash pseudo documentary 
titled Inside Marilyn Chambers features 
outtakes from Behind the Green Door 
and The Resurrection of Eve; inter- 
views with уп and se of 
her most potent leading men; plus an 
unflappable narrator who sounds as if 
he were covering a Channel swim on the 
six-o'clock sports roundup when ће de- 
scribes how Eve "displayed Marilyn's 
multiple sexual talents and proved aga 
what a tireless performer she is." Actual- 
ly, the winsome porno superstar has not 


“Supplied with impudent music 
and lyrics, Osco plows right in, 
transforming Alice into a 
wild child’s garden of e 
sexual innocence.” 


made another film 
since she took up 
writing books and 
bouncing around 
onstage; here, her 
unstartling mes- 


sage is that she 
relishes sex and 
has no regrets 


about anything 
she’s done, in pub- 
lic or in private. 
More arrestingly 
offbeat are behind- 
the-scenes anec- 
dotes from veteran 
superstud per- 
former George 
S. McDonald, who 
describes what it's 
е to be literally 
Inside Marilyn, 
and Johnnie 
Keyes, telling how 
he nearly, er, blew 
a take in Green 
Door when “I 
felt a cold wet 
sponge—the make- 
up girl putt 
m 


ke-up on my 
balls.” 


The villain of 
Femmes de Sade is 
a lanky middle- 
aged sadist known 
as Rocky de Sade (Ken Turner) who 
comes out of San Quentin, brutalizes 
various women and launches a sexual 
reign of terror in the back streets of San 
Francisco. At a masked ball, the city 
pimps, whores and hustlers even the score. 
by putting Rocky in chains and procced- 
ing to urinate and defecate on him. 
"There's nothing remotely crotic about 
that, nor does Turner's talent for auto- 
fellatio seem much of a turn-on. Anyone 
but a dedicated S/M freak may choose to 
go out for popcorn while the bruiser does 
his specialty acts. Yet the rest of Femmes 
de Sade is a double-rich, enticingly photo- 
graphed, unabashedly decadent piece of 
work by Alex deRenzy, а porno pioncer 
(Pornography in Denmark, A History 
of the Blue Movie, Pleasure Masters) 
who hires attractive and competent per- 
formers to act out his hyperphallic fan- 
tasies. All the highlights of Femmes de 
Sade occur in the imagination of a 
shop proprietor named Johnny (John 
Leslic) who conjures up provocative 
images in a gynecologists examining 
room, in a Japanese bath and in a ship's 
engine room, where three sailors and a 
girl slather themselves with oil for an 
orgy that's decidedly seeworthy. 


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DINING & DRINKING 


T: following is 
an excerpt 
from the book 
“Saloon—A Guide 
to America’s Great 
Bars, Pubs, Sa- 
loons, Taverns, 
Drinking Places, 
and Watering 
Holes of Dislinc- 
tion,” by Toby 
Thompson, to be 
published in Octo- 
ber by Grossman. 

The bar at The 
Midgets’ Club (4016 
West 63rd Street 
in Chicago) is less 
than three feet 
high. Parnell 
St. Aubin does 
not top that mark 
by much and he 
likes to keep his 
counter low. A 
litle person can 
walk up to the bar, 
rest his elbows on 
the Formica and 
say, "Gimme a 
beer,” just like 
a Normal. The pay phone is a 
couple of feet off the ground and all 
the toilets are low. Chairs at Midgets’ bar 
are standard width, but the legs have been 
trimmed to compensate for the shift in 
bar height. Consequently, seats are only 
about a foot off the floor and Normals 
have a tendency to sit with their knees up 
to their chins. Tables around the barroom 
are lowered, as are the chairs that sur- 
round them. The dropped bar, tables and 
other fixtures are largely for the con- 
venience of St. Aubin and his wife— 
Midgets’ owners. The majority of their 
customers are regulation-size people. "ЈЕ 
1 had to depend on midgets for business," 
Parnell confesses, “I'd starve to death. 

Parnell St. Aubin is an old show- 
business trouper, and working stage front 
does not bother him in the least. He 
hustles up and down the bar, mixing 
drinks, serving "short" bottles of Bud or 
Schlitz to his regulars and cradling fifths 
of whiskey in both arms to refill a 
customer's glass. He has operated Midgets’ 
at its present location for 17 years and has 
been in the bar business for 32. Before 
that, he toured with Singer's Midgets, a 
legendary troupe of diminutives who 
were on every circus, carnival and vaude- 
ville card throughout the Thirties. Sing- 
ers Midgets played the Munchkins in 
The Wizard of Oz and Parnell himself 
was “the first Munchkin to be seen by 
Judy Garland, you know, as she came 
down the Yellow Brick Road.” 

“Been in show business since I was 


“Seats at Midgets’ are only 
about a foot off the floor. 
Consequently, Normals sit with 
their knees up to their chins.” 


a kid" he says 
“They used to 
book me as the 
shortest man in 
the world, said I 
was 22 years old 
when I was ten, 
stood me up in the 
palm of a ring- 
masters hand. 1 
was Scrubby the 
Pig from "53 to 54 
on Scrub Club, a 
kids’ TV show you 
probably saw and 
don't remember. I 
did a lot of things 
on tour: sang, 
played sax, 
danced, fronted a 
band. There 
wasn't much for a 
little person to do. 
in those days but 


show business. 
Now they're all 
educated. You 


can't get one near 
the big top, can't 
hire one to work 
in a bar. I had a 
scholarship to college when I was a kid, 
but I went with the circuit, because that's 
where the money was. My wife, too. We 
lived in the same neighborhood. Running 
a bar was the alternative. When Las Ve- 
gas was just getting good, alter the war, a 
fellow offered to set me up in a bar there. 
As a gimmick, But Chicago's my home 
town. The club's a good life. I work hard 
at it, 12 hours, 14 hours a day. I got a 
good investment here. Only handicap, 
with the counter set up short like it is, 
I can't unload the place once 1 retire. 
And little people won't work a bar now. 
So it’s business for today and today 
only. What the hell.” 

Parnell has a habit of shaking his head 
and tching philosophically, with loud 
suckings of his teeth. He is a 50ish little 
man, paunched, with the studied air of 
a professional barkeep. The Midgets’ 
Club is unobtrusive: a good bit of plastic 
and Formica, everything functional, clean 
and simple. Normalsize old-timers line 
the bar, scrunched down in their seats, 
drinking quietly or joking with Parnell, 
No one seems to think it odd that 
everything is scaled so small at Midgets’. 
Personally, the place reminded us 
of an elaborate dollhouse, a series of 
miniature interiors viewed through glass 
partitions by Normals with a mixture of 
childlike fascination and Brobdingnagian 
detachment. 


Midgels’ is open from 4 т.м. to 2 AM. 
Monday through Friday and to 3 A.M. on 
Saturday, 


Record them over and over again. 
The life of a Scotch” brand cassette 
is a long one. Even when you record 
on it tirne after tirne after time. 

Because there's a tough binder 
thatkeepsthe magneticcoatingfrorn 
wearing off. So even after hundreds 
of replays or re-recordings, you get 
EE sound quality. 


Play them back without jamming. 
The life of a Scotch* brand cassette 
isa long one. Even when you play it 
time after tirne after tirne. 

Because there's a Posi-Trak® 
backing that helps prevent jamming 
and reduces wow and flutter. And 
the cassette shellis made with 
L a plastic that can withstand 150°F, 

__ We wish you a long and happy We wish you a long and happy 
life. ‘Cause you'll need it to keep up life. ‘Cause you'll need it to keep up 
with your Scotch cassettes. with your Scotch cassettes. 


Scotch Cassettes. 
They just might outlive you. 


-ea 


33 


MUSIC 


п the Forties and Fifties, 
Savoy, a record label of 
modest pretensions, was turn- 
ing out some of the best jazz 
recordings around. The com- 
bility of jazz be- 
ing what it is, by the Sixties 
the label had moved on to 
it considered long- 
and con- 


greener 
signed its masters to the vaults 
or wherever vinyl white ele- 
phants go to die. A quick 
dissolve to 1976, where we 
find Arista Records, a label 
that is very much into the 
avantgarde groove, buying 
up the old Savoy masters and reissuing them 
in a series of twin-LP albums that will 
gladden the hearts of those jazz buffs who 
have never lost the faith, and give the jazz 
neophytes—if they're shrewd enough to 
pick up on them—a splendid reprise of 
what an important musical era was all 
about. The initialrelease package of 
eight albums has several of landmark 
quality. Charlie Parker / Bird was recorded 
between 1944 and 1948. The tracks give 
dear indication of Parker's seminal ap- 
proach to jazz The people about him 
(including a young Miles Davis) aren't 
really in his league, but Bird seldom 
seems discouraged at finding no one fol- 
lowing him over the musical barricades. 
The same isn’t true for John Coltrane— 
Wilbur Harden / Countdown, which was orig- 
inally put down on vinyl in 1958 and has 
four outtakes that have never before 
reached the public, What is so surprising 
is not the evidence of Trane's emergence 
asa jazz wave maker—one knew thal was 
going to be there—it's the performance 
of Harden, who plays the Flügelhorn with 
a clarity and creativity that make one 
wonder about his disappearance from 
the musical scene. Moving along, folks, we 
have Lester Young / Pres, etched between 
1944 and 1949. Young was very dose to 
the top of his form—limpid, relaxed. 
extraordinarily inyentive—and the cuts 
range from those produced with lots of 
Basie sidemen (and Basie himself on a 
alf-dozen tracks) to a "commercial" 
group (led by Johnny Guarnieri and 
noteworthy for some delightful solos by 
clarinetist Hank D'Amico) to a more mod- 
ern group (1919) that included pianist 
Junior Mance and drummer Roy Haynes. 
Among the other albums: Erroll Garner / The 
Elf, which includes a 1945 recording of 
the classic Laura, a milestone for Garner; 
Cannonball Adderley / Spontaneous Combustion, 
which finds the late alto great in mid- 
ftics recording sessions with two smash- 
ing groups, highlighted by the rhythmic 
achievements of bassist Paul Chambers 
and drummer Kenny Clarke; and Mitr 


pastures 


Savoy's stompin’ again. 


“This series of twin-LP 
albums will gladden the 
hearts of jazz buffs 
and give neophytes 
a splendid reprise.” 


Bob Marley, prophet of reggae. 


Jackson / Second Nature, again from the mid- 
Fifties, with Jackson's vibes playing off 
beautifully against the dreamy, unpres- 
sured quality of Lucky Thompson's tenor. 
Arista is to be congratulated and listen- 
ers are to consider themselves fortunate. 

. 

Back in the Sixties, when the great 
American children’s crusade was under 
way, parents of teenaged girls who took 
off for California worried about such 
humdrum stuff as rapisis and murderers. 
Better they should have worried about 
the kids’ winding up in exploitative rock 
groups like The Runaways (Mercury). The 
youth of the five nymphets in the group 
is ballyhooed on the cover; the punk 


rock inside glorifies all the 
primordial horrors of the 
adolescent psyche: “I got away 
dean with my fake 1.D. / No 
more school or Mommy for 
me / Stealin’ cus and breakin’ 
hearts / Pills and thrills and 
actin’ smart" We propose 
that this album be declared 
а national monument. Or 
disaster. 


. 

Let's say this right up front 
and underline it twice: Bob 
Marley and the Wailers seem 
finally to have emerged as 
the finest rock’n'-roll band 
of the Seyentics and, what's more, they're 
as heavy a group as we have had in the 22- 
year history of the music—right up there 
with any of the giants you might care to 
name, from Chuck Berry through Sly 
Stone. And that includes the Beatles, 
Otis Redding, the Stones, all of them. 
"That's how good they are. 

Maybe the reason not everyone knows 
this yet is that Marley has just begun 
touring in the United States, fronung 
a group of the foremost practitioners of 
the most exciting music of our day, 
Jamaican reggae. What mysterious, laid- 
back energy this music has; how cradling 
the complex, irresistible rhythms, sooth- 
ing even while exciting. Reggae is slow 
fire, sensuous, exotic, yet always familiar, 
for one of its parents is our own rock 
n’ roll 

At the microphone is Marley, wearing 
what appears to be very hiply tailored 
freedom-fighter fatigues. He is skinny in 
the classic mode of rockstar skinniness 
(Dylan, Jagger), a wiry, tightly contained 
energy bundle topped by a fine snake- 
coil mane of rasta dreadlocks, which fly 
about Medusalike during some of his 
more energetic moves. He jogs in place, 
thrusts curious index fingers at the 
audience, stands hokling his brow as if 
sullering from an extremely soulful 
headache. The opening songs, Rastaman 
Chant and The Lion of Judah, per- 
formed in partial darkness before a 
spotlighted Ethiopian flag, are like an in- 
vocation, slow, beautiful, serene. Then 
things start to heat up. When these 
people sing about Jah and hunger and 
burning and injustice, they aren't kid- 
ding. They don't sound slick and dumb 
nor, thanks to the ganja-informed beau- 
ty of Marley's lyrics, are they stridently 
didactic. Because the music speaks of 
real and present dangers, of righteous 
religious faith, of not giving up the fight, 
it has Ше power to play upon an 
audience's emotions as no music has in 
years. 

To be fair, it should be added that 
in the two sold-out shows we caught at 


Persian 
Knight 


We've brought the mysterious 
East home to America. With the Jantzen 
Persian Knight sweater. High fashion detailing 
wrapped in the luxury of 100% Du Pont 
Wintuk™ ORLON” acrylic. It’s from the 
number one name in sweaters. About $23. 


35 


PLAYBOY 


36 


New York City's Beacon Theater, the 
performances were not equally finc, 
the Friday-night one sceming to sag in 
the middle. But a soso Wailers perform- 
ance is better than a fine plum, and this 
applies also to Wailers albums, the new- 
est of which, Rastaman Vibration (Island), 
falls a little short of the mark set by the 
past two. Which means that only seven 
of its ten cuts are fantastic. Listen to 
War and Rat Race, which offer up sad 
and horrifying images of the future con- 
sequences of enforced human inequality. 
Listen. closely. There is a terrible fut 

al wave building in the Third 
ld. aimed this way, and Marley is 
its prophet. 


. 

Remember the ads in the back of old 
comic books: Draw this dog and win a 
art scholarship? David Gallen might 
well have sponsored a similar contest 
for singer-songwriters when he founded 
Asylum Records: Compose a lyric using 
the words refuge, holy, disguise, mystery, 
pretend and/or desperado, and you 
can join the family. We happen to like 
the Asylum brand of uncasy listening: 
The artists are eloquent under fire. 
ving images of frustrated innocence, 
failed e and Southern Californi 
mysticism into compelling visions. Warren 
Zevon is one of the newest members of 
the Asylum family and his album is the 
one the company has been rehearsing for 
all these years. Zevon's lyrics are crisp, 
deftly ironic ("Well, I met a girl at the 
Rainbow bar, / She asked me if I'd beat. 
her, / She took me back to the Hyatt 
House, / 1 don't want to talk about it") 
and understanding ("You know the 
sheriff's got his problems, too—and he 
will surely take them out on you") 
Jackson Browne deserves praise for his 
impeccable production 

P 

Not everyone thinks discos are as smash- 
ing as the contributors to our “Playboy 
Music '76" package (April), and one who 
doesn’t is Lester Bangs, editor of the re- 
spected music magazine Creem. His views: 

Imagine that you have been herded 
into a newly discovered circle of Dante's 
hell It is claustrophobic, jammed with 
people who, like yourself, do not know 
exactly why they are there. The lighting 
is dim and the air is thick; the decor is 
either dingy or opulent unto the gro- 
tesque. You finally find a booth where 
you're served watery drinks that the wait 
er, who treats you like an insulting inter- 
loper, slops across the table and probably 
does not clean up. Looking around, you 
find that you're surrounded by human 
bei whose sexual indeterminacy is 
muddleheaded. Rather Шап breathe the 
heady air of liberation, they have canceled 
out both of the penders within and 
emerged from their closets dancing ci- 
phers. And dance they do: boys with boys, 
girls with girls, mixed couples, пеш» with 
nons, shuffling and. posing with the most 


unconsummately bored air imaginable. 
There every reason they should be 
bored, since they are moving their flat 
feet and skinny litle tushics to an end. 
less program of identical musical con- 
structions; strong, loping bass lines. 
brushes on cymbals, occasional strings and 
voices crooning like hot sorghum of 
“looove,” or stuttering cydic cocaine- 
twitchy imprecations to 
gimme-gimme, 
"getdown-getdown. 
ask you, gentle reader, 
tainment? 
ОГ course not, but this is what is being 


this enter- 


Rockabye, my baby, to a disco melody. 


“All they dois dance 
to music that is neither 
soulful nor bluesy. 
It's Muzak for a dry hump.” 


sold as a kinkily hot time on the old tow 
to a large segment of the American pub- 
lic, which is mindlessly lapping it up. The 
disco craze has America in its mitts, or 
perhaps under the soles of its Hustlin 
feet. Discos represent а revival of an earl 
Sixties concept—that people would rathe 
dance to hot records than to lame bands 
playing the same hits—with a new Seven- 
ties twist: Originally, the nouveau discos 
were primarily a facet of gay culture. And 
that culture is big business now; so about 
two years ago, discos suddenly became 
places where you could simultaneously eye 
the gays and be scen yourself, dressed to 
the pout and soaking up the oozing chari 


ma of the only underground that’s left. 
was 


A forbidden thrill so innocuous 
bound to become a national fad. 
Concurrently, the music business р 
up on discos as a new way of ge 
audience to listen to (and buy) the latest 
vinyl product. Now there was a vora- 
cious public in need of something to 
dance to, something hip, catchy and ta 
lored to the endless flow of segues in the 
local speak-easy. The result, of course, 


that disco music is as identifiable a com- 
modity as SMILE buttons—and just about 
as vital. It's not only that it all sounds the 
same but also that its stylistic lock step 
compromises the individuality of ever 
t who touches it, hopelessly adul: 
ating any musical product associated with 
t in much the same way as the sexual 
identities of the people who dance to it 
are adulterated. In other words, it’s all 
bland shit. The disco girls don’t fuck the 
disco boys, who pretend to be gay but 
aren't, so they don't fuck each other—or 
body else. All they do is dance to 
ic that borrows from soul and 
rhythm-and-blues but is nothing but 
treadmill rhythm, neither soulful nor 
bluesy. Its Muzak for a dry hump, the 
perfect mood elevator for dull times. 

The people who go down to discos 
hoping to rubberneck the exotically ep 
cene habitués are no different. from the 
white society folk who used to roll into 
Harlem in their tuxes the Twenties 
and Thirties to ogle thei 
Negroid vitality. What they don't realiz 
is that their encroachment has spooked 
authentic nether-world types. causing the 
original clientele to beat a hasty retreat 
When I asked а deejay friend where the 
gay community had gone after deserting 
the most famous gay disco in my own cit 
he replied: “I won't tell you, We've m: 
aged to keep you people from coming ii 
and fucking up our scene so far—why 
should we ask for trouble agai 

If this trend continues, we may not 
1 end to discos; we may discover 
t fags don't, after all, have natu 
rhythm. 


. 

On May 27, 1974, properly maje 
funeral services for Edward Kennedy 
"Duke" Ellington were held in the vast 
thedial Church of Saint John the 
Divine on the Upper West Side of M 
hattan, just south of Harlem. Among 
many musicians in the audience that day. 
there was a strong sense that while El 
lington’s compositions and his own inter- 
pretations of them on recordings would 
surely survive, the future of the Ellington 
band was much more problematic. Duke's 
son, Mercer, was now in charge of the 
orchestra, but Mercer, while amiable and 
conscientious, seemed to have little of his 
her's pervasive authority. And when 
more of the older ducal associates left 
nd younger musicians moved in, could 
Mercer do more than field а faceless 
"ghost" crew sounding as if it were play- 
ing a book of antique 

Almost two years after Duke's funeral. 
The Duke Ellington Orchestra, conducted. by 
Mercer Ellington, returned to the Cathe- 
dral Church of Saint John the Divine. 
While there were other events of note dur- 
ing the night, the key musical news is that 
Mercer Ellington has confounded his de- 
tractors and is now leading a largely 
oung, crisply driving band that is achiev- 
ing its own firm musical identity within, 


of course, the powerful Duke Ellington 
Gestalt of which it is an extension. 

The occasion for what turncd out to 
be a Mercer Ellington triumph was a 
benefit. concert (sponsored by the Domes- 
tic and Foreign Missionary Society of the 
Episcopal Church) for Cuttington College 
in Liberia, the only independent liberal- 
rts college in sub-Saharan West Africa. 
Among the guest performers were Joe 
Williams (technically assured, as usual, 
but really more suited to the Devil's lyrics 
than to the pieties he was stuck with most 
of the night); Dave Brubeck and sons 
(in the elder Brubeck’s accurate, alfec- 
tionate and still glowing 18-year-old 
^ Dukey the Hampton Choir 
snified, carnes, unswinging) and 
ah Vaughan, who was the solo tri- 
umph of the evening. In manifestly ex- 
uberant spirits, Sarah, backed by her 
first-class trio, was so stunningly in 
command of her instrumentalized voice 
that it seemed a shame Duke and Sarah 
had never enjoyed a long-term m 
partnership. 
A surprise guest 


sical 


at the “Ellington Is 


played 
ied solo 
‚ moving to the microphone, 
announced, "Back in 1941, I played with 
a band Mercer Ellington had in Los An 
geles. I am sure glad to see him with a 
vod band." 

Mercer grinned, 
in the band. Like 
through the decades, they know they're 
good. This posthumous єй 
to its predecessors yet, but it’s building. 
And it certainly is not a ghost band. 


SHORT CUTS 


Steely Dan / The Royal Scam (ABC): More 
solid rock 'n' roll—with both brains and 
guts—from one of the best groups around 

Larry Young's Fuel / Spaceball (Arista): 
Supra-energized jazzrock from the most 
original of organists—with more horns 
and guitars than he's used before. 

James Moody / Timeless Aura. (Vanguard): 
Individualistic but rcadily accessible jazz 
statements by a neglected giant of the 
tenor sax. 

John Handy / Herd Work (ABC Impulse): 
His first LP in eight years finds San Fran- 
cisco’s superb altoist—who's been busy 
teacing—playing and singing funkier 
stulf than he used to. 

Al Wilson / I've бо! a Feeling (Playboy) 
A top-notch vocalist gets some straight 
ahead commercia] production. Believe us. 

Remembering The Greatest Hits of Bob 
wills (Columbia): The original country- 
swing records; now you can listen to the 
same stulf Merle Haggard listens to. 

Jimmy Ponder / illusions (АВС Impulse): 
An unheralded but superskilled guitarist 
in the Burrell/Benson mold gets help 
from Ron Carter, among others, on some 


soft electric funk. 


did his colleagues 


О 


70 E 


Forcolor reproduction olcomplete Wild Turkey painting by Ken Davies, 19 by 217send SI to Box 929-PB-S.Wall St.Sta., NY.10005 


Wild Turkey Lore: 


The Wild Turkey is an incredible 
bird, capable of out-running 
agalloping horsein a short 
sprint. 

Itisalso thesymbol of 
Wild Turkey Bourbon, 
an incredible whiskey 
widely recognized as the 
finest Bourbon produced 
in America. 


um 
oor  ў vous 


WILD TURKEY/ 101 PROOF/8 YEARS OLD. 


© 1676 Austin, Nichols Co. Lawrenceburg. Kentucky, 


37 


\ Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined 
| That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous toYour Health. 


onno 


16 mg “tar,” 1.1 mg. nicotine, 
av. per cigarette, FTC Report Apr. 76 


THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 


M am а motorcycle fanatic. Over the 
years, І have developed several tech 
niques for having sex while riding my 
twowhceled beast. Usually, the female 

assenger simply reaches around in front, 
unzips my jeans and holds on for dear 
life. An erection makes a great granny 
handle. Sometimes, i the girl is small 
enough, I put her on the seat in front of 
me. She leans over the tank, I enter from 
the rear and the acceleration causes her 
to settle back against me. Unfortunately, 
I have yet to discover а way for a pas 
senger to perform fellatio while cruising 
down the road. Js there a sale way to 
accomplish my dream?—F. F., Berkeley, 
California. 

Yes. It's called a sidecar. But watch out 
Jor those bumps and potholes. You could 
lose more than your concentration. 


М, girti 
to take advant: 
vacition in Europ imize the 
hassles at hotels and inns on the Con- 
tinent, I made the reservations as man 
and wife. When we arrived at the airport, 
my girlfriend was not allowed on the 
flight because she did not have any 
identification that matched the name on 
the reservation list (ie, proof that she 
was my missus). What happened?—S. C., 
New York, New York. 

Charter operators are required by law 
to file a passenger manifest with the Civil 
Aeronautics Board 30 days prior to ii 
ternational flights and 15 days prior to 
North American flights. The manifest is 
to include only lawful names and board- 
ing passengers must present a serialized 
LD. (driver's license, passport or Social 
Security card) that matches the name on 
the manifest. Next time, make your 
reservations in your own names. The list 
is alphabetized, so there is no way to 
tell who is traveling with whom—not 
that it matters to anyone, anyway. Honey- 
mooners are urged to сату a marriage 
license if the wife's LD. has not been 
changed to the name entered on the 
manifest. You suffered the consequences 
of an unfortunate and unnecessary act 
of discretion. (By the way, most inn- 
keepers in Europe are open-minded 
about the sleeping arrangements of un- 
married couples.) The CAB receives sev- 
eral complaints a week from people who 
were not allowed on charters for the same 
reason. Better luck next time. 


ез for a 


BBeing a 25-year-old single male, I lead 
an active sex life. I thought that I had 
seen and done exerything—however, 
something happened not long ago that 


has me totally freaked. One sunny 
Saturday afternoon, І was checking out 
the action at the local beach, when my 
eyes came across а beautiful blonde who 
was as foxy as the girls who grace your 
magazine. After about 15 minutes of 
small talk, it was obvious that she wanted 
to get it on. My little sex kitten turned 
out to be one of the greatest partners 1 
have ever had. She not only wanted to 
make love all day—in every position— 
she also was a master of oral sex. She 
gave the best head I've ever had. Later 
that night, the lady let it slip that 
she used to be a he named Bill and 
had undergone a sex-change operation. 
Imagine my surprise. 1 don't know what 
to think. What should I do пом?—В. R., 
Miami Beach, Florida. 

It's a rare phenomenon, but one that 
has to be faced: In the sexual revolution, 
there are some persons who want to 
change sides. At first glance, a whole 
new set of problems arise: Should a 
gentleman offer a transsexual a Tipa- 
villo? Perhaps the simplest way to end 
the confusion is to take your new friend 
at face value, If you can't tell the dif- 
ference, there isn't апу. In опе sense, 
you've had the best of both worlds. 
Maybe it's time to retire. 


Have you ever heard of anyone inten- 
tionally strangling himself during m 
turbation to heighten the orgasm? One 
of my friends has confessed to а strange 
form of autoeroticism. He throws a soft 
raha: mus ӨЗУ ПИН Ths Sa tins die 


and slowly increases the tension while 
stroking himself. The closer he comes to 
assing out, the better his climax. It 
kes me that it would be easy to go 
too far. How common is this practicez— 
R. S, Chicago, Illinois. 

Yet another bizarre sexual practice 
comes out of the closet. This form of 
self-abuse has been around for years, 
which is more than we can say for some 
of the people who have tried it. Sup- 
posedly, the momentary oxygen starva- 
tion ‘increases the intensity of the 
orgasm—the same thing can happen if 
you hold your breath. H's dangerous to 
do alone—pass out and you may well 
pass on. There are a number of docu- 
mented cases of boys and men who have 
died this way. Even with supervision, the 
practice may be unsafe. English brothels 
in the 1600s experimented with the tech- 
nique: Apparently, some enterprising 
madam noticed that when a convict went 
to the gallows, he often died with an erec- 
lion and/or an ejaculation (hence the 
praise, “He was a well-hung man"). Seek- 
ing a cure for impotence, ladies of the 
night sometimes played the part of high 
executioner. The madam would let the 
aging lord dangle from the chandelier 
until he developed an erection; then she 
would cut him down. Accidents were 
known to happen. To avoid a scandal, 
the death would be explained as a suicide 
There are better ways to go—or come. 


Every time 1 watch the film sequence 
preceding ABC's Wide World of Sports, 
1 wonder about the ski jumper who will 
be forever famous as the Agony of De- 
feat. Can you tell me the who, when, 
where and what? Did the guy survivez— 
M. K., Wilmington, Delaware. 

Ретко Bogatej is the skier who made, 
or failed io make, what is probably the 
most famous jump in history at the 1970 
International Ski Flying Championship 
in Germany. You'll notice we said is 
and not was. Despite what would appear 
to be an impossible jump to survive, the 
Yugoslavian was not crilically injured. 


The other night, 1 was watching a West- 
ern on the TV set at a local bar. The 
movie showed a cowpoke entering a 
saloon and ordering a beer. A few of the 
guys got to talking and we all had the 
same questions: Was the beer cold? If 
it was kept on ice, where did the ice come 
from and how was it madci—J. T. €, 
Brownsville, Texas. 

In Colonial days, ice was gathered from 
frozen ponds and streams and stored in 
wellinsulated huts called icehouses. The 


39 


PLAYBOY 


commercial ice business, which supplied 
the Southern states, began in 1799, when 
а shipload of ice was sent from New 
York to South Carolina. By the middle 
of the 19th Century, inventors in the U. S. 
and England had developed refrigeration 
systems for manufacturing ісе, and by 
1870, there were four commercial ice-mak- 
ing plants in the U. S. The jrontier settle- 
ments chilled their thrills in much the 
same fashion. In the Northern towns, ice 
was gathered and stored as it was in the 
East. In warmer areas, towns that were big 
enough to get regular shipments of vital 
necessities (beer, elc.) had ice sent im. 
Smaller settlements stored their beer in 
caves and deep cellars to keep it as cold 
as possible: Serving temperature jor a cool 
one was 55-60 degrees. 


WI, wite and 1 have been married for 
almost two years. We are both in our 
rly 20s, enjoy sex, have done some 
g now and weren't virgins when 
we met. My wile has started to have high- 
ly erotic dreams. In her dreams, she has 
intercourse. with one man while other 
men or a mixed crowd look on. The 
dreams are so intense, she awakens with 
body sweating, swept away by the 
ng that she has just had a cosmic 
he claims that she never feels 
ke that during real sex. What is puzding 
is that she cannot remember thc identity 
of her lover or any of the faces in the 
crowd. Does she secretly desire another 
advisc.—W. C. San Fran- 


man? Please 


Her dream is a fairly common one: 
The crowd of anonymous admirers de- 
fines her own desirability. And it is quite 
possible that her dream produces physical 
orgasm (Kinsey found that 20 percent of 
the women he interviewed had expert- 
enced nocturnal climaxes). Our advice: 
Don't engage in armchair analysis—pro- 
ceed directly to bed and iemember the 
old adage: The person who wants to make 
a dream come true doesn't sleep. 


‘x апа music are a powerfull combi- 
nation. Unfortunately, my stereo system 
the opposite end of the house from 


my bedroom. I would like to install a 
set of accessory speakers. Accor 
some of my friends, it 
proces 


g to 
not a simple 
ttach the wrong speakers and 
ay blow out your amplifier. Also, 
res are too long, you get a poor. 
damping ellect—i. the sound is not 
distinct. Are. my friends correct? —]. Р., 
Portland, Oregon. 

Youve got good friends. There are 
several things to look out for when con- 
necting extra speakers. Most problems 
arise if you try to operate in two rooms 
at the same tine. Figure out the im- 
pedance level of the entire system. Two 


40 pairs of eight-ohm speakers, hooked ир 


in parallel, yield а total of four ohms. 
Two pairs of 16 yield eight ohms, etc. 
Then compare the total with the operat- 
ing specs of your amp. Make sure it 
can deliver the opumum power to 
cach speaker. Some amps tend to self- 
destruci when they try to power systems 
of less than four ohms. Damping is the 
time it takes for a loud-speaker to stop 
vibrating after a signal (ї.є., a one-second 
note should sound for one second and no 
more). The damping value of your 
present system is a ratio of speaker im- 
pedance divided by the amplifier imped- 
ance. The higher the number, the better 
the damping. By adding speakers, you de- 
crease the damping effect. Also, the long 
wires used to connect the extra speakers 
increase the impedance of the amplifier, 
thus decreasing the damping effect. The 
wires should increase in thickness as the 
distance to the speaker increases (18- oy 
20-gauge wire is sufficient for 10-10-20- 
foot runs, while 16-gauge wire is preferred 
for room-toroom hookups). For more 
information, talk to the serviceman at 
your stereo shop. With a little planning, 
you should be able to rock-'n’-roll in 
every room. 


is month I met a delightful. French 
girl. We started dating and soon began to 
enjoy intercourse. I would like to further 
our relations and I wonder how to ask 
cr in French if 1 may perlorm c 
ngus.—N. L., Brooklyn, New Yor 

We look your question to one of our 
French cousins at Oui who is bilingual as 
well as cunnilingual. The phrase is: Est-ce 
que je peux sucer ta chatte, chérie? She 
wondered why you haze to ask. 


Ссс is very expensive aiid very il 
legal. As long as I'm going to take the 
risk to enjoy my favorite drug. I would 
like to be sure I’m getting the real thing. 
Do you know of any simple tests to indi- 
cate whether or not a substance is cocaine 
and, if so, what the purity is—S. W. 
New Orleans, Louisi: 

If the nose doesn't know, who does? 
The only reliable answer would come 
from a professional lab. If you want 10 
play home chemist, pick up “The Gour- 
met Coke Book” (excerpted in “The Coca 
Leaf and Cocaine Papers,” by George 
Andrews and David Solomon). It gives 
several imaginalive tests. The easiest is 
the cobalt test, marketed in kit form by 
head shops. When cocaine and cobalt (a 
pink liquid) ате mixed, the solution turns 
blue. If it doesn’t, it’s not coke. However, 
lidocaine—a local anesthetic commonly 
used to cut cocaine—also turns cobalt 
blue. (To test for lidocaine, put a drop of 
Clorox on the cocaine. Pure coke will 
remain colorless, Lidocaine, procaine от 
benzocaine will turn from yellow to 
orange.) The cobalt test merely indicates 


the presence of cocaine. It docs not indi- 
cate the purity. There is no reliable, easy 
test for cuts, although the author of “The 
Gourmet Coke Book” suggests using meth- 
anol: “Most common cuts do not dissolue 
in pure alcohol, while cocaine and, un- 
fortunately, procaine and speed do. Pure 
methanol must be used in this test, be 
cause the presence of water in any alcohol 
will also dissolve the sugars and salts. 
When testing with methanol, two small 
equal amounts of the substance to be 
tested are placed in two teaspoons next to 
one another. Pure methanol is added to 
one of the teaspoons. Any powder that 
remains is definitely the cut. The amount 
oj the cut is then compared with the origi 
nal, unaltered amount in the second tea- 
spoon to determine the percentage of the 
cut.” Of course, by the time you finish 
these tests, there will be nothing left to 
sample. But buyer beware: They'll bust 
you whether it's pure or not. 


Hive you ever tried one of those tex- 
in ad for a 


tured condoms? I answered 
contraceptive that boasted its scientifical- 
ly designed ribs would enhance a 
woman's pleasure. When 1 put one of 
the things on, my penis looks like the 
louvered fender of a "55 Thunderbird. 
The ruffles have ridges. Im cv : Do 
the things really work?—M. L., Boston, 
Massachusetts. 

We welcome any excuse to return lo 
our test bedrooms. First reports indicate 
that the vadiabply condoms do ac- 
complish their goal. They prevent babies. 
In addition, the tread design improves 
traction and may keep you from falling 
out of bed on those slippery curves. The 
patterned ribs do stimulate the clito 
whether or not the woman notices and 
appreciates the effect depends on the 
position and the pressure being used. 
The inner walls of the vagina are not 
sensitive to touch, so much of the effect 
of the extra texture is lost on penetration. 
The best positions are those that allow 
you to lightly draw the corncob condom 
the clitor "e won't 
comparison to a violin bow, but your 
lover might. The items ате definitely 
worth adding to your arsenal, bui don't 
expect drastic results. H's very hard to 
improve on the basic sexual act. The 
rule in our test bedrooms is: Anything 
that doesn't actually detract from sex 
gets an A plus rating, 


— 


across make a 


All reasonable questions—from fashion, 
food and drink, stereo and sports cars 
lo dating dilemmas, taste and etiquette— 
will be personally answered. if the writer 
includes a stamped, self-addressed en 
velope. Send all letters to The Playboy 
Advisor, Playboy Building, 919 N. Michi- 
gan Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 60611. The 
most provocative, pertinent queries will 
be presented on these pages cach month. 


For the man who has 
everything...Something to 
help you keep it! 


You're a special kind of 
man. 

You've worked hard to 
get where you are. And 
you want to protect the 
life-style you've made for 
yourself. 

But what if something hap- 
pened to you? What if you 
were hospitalized by an ac- 
cident? You'd need help .. . 
the kind of help $100.00 A Day 

can give you. 

Playboy Lifestyle Protection. 

We pay you $100.00 each day you're 
hospitalized by a covered accident, from the very 
first day, and continuing for life if it's necessary. 
That's $100.00 a day paid directly to you, or to your 
doctor or hospital if you prefer, when you're hospi- 
talized within 90 days of the accident. 

Your family would need help, too. We pay them 
$10,000.00 if you're fatally injured in a covered 
accident and death occurs within 100 days. And 
every one of these benefits is paid to you in addition 
to any other money you receive, including Work- 
men’s Compensation. 


Your benefits increase 10%. 


For accidents occurring after you’ve had your 
protection one year, you get $110.00 a day and 
$11,000.00 for accidental death. There's no addi- 
tional созї. . . the increase is automatic. 


Send no money now. 

For your convenience, send no money with your 
application, we'll bill you later. For PLAYBOY 
Readers 18-69, your reasonable monthly cost is $1 


4% ACT TODAY. 


This plan is not available in Oregon or Idaho. 


1974 Playboy 


i 4 for the first full month, and 
1 | $725 a month after that. 
H - After age 70, you receive 
( 7s half benefits. 

P) ? World-wide protection. 
/ * Whether you're skiing in 
Switzerland or driving to 
work, you're protected. ..any- 
where in the world...24 hours 
a day. Your protection is Guar- 
anteed Renewable for Life. It can't 
be taken away from you or cancelled 
h as long as you make your payments, 
"d even if you collect again and again. Your 
rates can't be raised unless the same change 

is made on all these policies in your state. 


HERE'S WHAT ISN'T COVERED 


Loss resulting from self-inflicted injury, acts of war, 
Speed contests, air travel other than as a fare-pay- 
ing passenger on a commercial airline, hernia, use 
of narcotics unless administered on the advice of 
a physician, and confinement in a U.S. Govern- 
ment hospital (except in Colorado), mental insti- 
tutions (except in Arizona), or Christian Science 
sanitoriums. 


You be the judge. 

We'll give you 10 days to look your policy over. If 
you aren't completely satisfied, return it. You don't 
risk a penny, and you'll be covered all that time. 
This protection is brought to you by Beneficial Stan- 
dard Life Insurance Co., Home Office: 3700 Wilshire 
Blvd., L.A., 90010. 


Enjoy the convenience of buying by mail. No sales- 
man will call, there's no obligation. So complete 
and mail your application now. 


SEND NO MONEY NOW! 


ws 


PLAYBOY 


So you've been loyal to your favorite brand for 
a long time. But then, maybe you haven't yet | 
experienced Dos Equis. It is an experience! 

Dos Equis, imported from Mexico, is 
the big, brawny beer with two X’s for a 
name. 

People try it once, just to see what it's 
like. But before long, their old favorite 
beer isn't their favorite beer anymore. 
They have a new favorite—Dos Equis. 

Some say Dos Equis is a little 
darker, a little richer than other 
imported beers. Some say they like the 
light, natural carbonation—without the 
hard bite. 

Odds are Dos Equis can make you 
—even you—become disloyal to your 
old favorite beer. In that case, why not 
double cross a friend and offer him or 
her a Dos Equis. 

Afterall, disloyalty loves company. 


Dos Equis 
the double cross 


THE TAPE THAT'S 
TOO GOOD FOR MOST 


Maxell tapes are 
not cheap. 

In fact, a single reel 
of our most expensive 
tape costs more than 
many inexpensive tape 
recorders. 

Our tapeis expensive 
because it's designed 
specifically to gef the 
most out of good high 
fidelity components. 
And unfortunately, 
there's not much fo get 
out of most inexpensive 
tape recorders. 

So it makes no sense 
to invest in Maxell unless 
you have equipment 
that can putit to good 
use. 


EQUIPMENT. 


And since even a 
little speck of dust can 
put a dropout in tape, 
no one gets into our 
manufacturing area 
until he's been washed, 
dressed in a special 
dust-free uniform and 
vacuumed. 

(Yes, vacuumed.) 

Unlike most tape- 
makers, we don't test 
our tape every now and 
ihen. We fest every inch 
of every Maxell tape. 

Which is why every 
Maxell tape you buy 
sounds exactly the 
same. From end to end. 
Tape fo tape. Year to 


year.Wherever you buy it. 


And Delrin rollers. 
Because nothing sticks 
to them. 

A lot of companies 
weld their cassettes 


together. We use screws. 
Screws are more expen- 
sive. But they also make 


for a stronger cassette. 


Our tape comes with 
abetter guarantee 
than your 
tape recorder. 


Nothing is guaran- 
teed to last forever. 
Nothing we know of, 
exceptourtape. 

So our guarantee is 
simplicity itself: anytime 
you ever have a prob- 


‘Our guarantee even covers 
acts of negligence. 


Give our tape a fair 
hearing. 

You can hear just 
how good Maxell tape 
sounds at your nearby. 
audio dealer. 

(Chances are, it's 
what he uses to dern- 
onstrate his best tape 
decks.) 


= 
| 


No other tape 
sounds as good as ours 
because no other 
tape is made as 
carefully as ours. 


For example, every 
batch of magnetic 
oxide we use gets run 
through an electron 
microscope before we 
use it. This reveals the 
exact size and propor- 
tions of individual par- 
ticles of oxide. Because 
if they're not perfect, the. 
tape won't sound 


Every employee, vacuumed. 


No other tape starts off by cleaning off your tape recorder. 


We clean off the crud 
other tapes leave 
behind. 


After all the work we 
put into our tape, we're 
not about to let it go to 
waste on a dirty tape 
recorder head. So we 
put non-abrasive head 
cleaning leader on all 
our cassettes and reel- 
to-reel tapes. Which is 
something no other 
tape company bothers 
to do. 

Our cassettes are put 


together as carefully 
as our tape. 


Other companies 
are willing to use wax 
paperand plastic rollers 
in their cassettes. We're 
not. We use carbon- 
impregnated material. 


lem with any Maxell 


cassette, 8-track or reel- 


lo-reel tape, you can 
send it back and get a 
new one. 


You may be surprised 
1o hear how much more 
music good equipment 
can produce when il's 
equipped with good 
tape. 


maxell5.35-90 
‘Sound Recording Tape 


DIUI 
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Morell Corporation of America, BO Wes! Commercial Ave. Moonachie. New Jersey 07074 


BOS 
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a 


Editorial: The Nixon Legacy, Part III 


“SCREW’’ SCREWED IN WICHITA 


If little good can be remembered of Richard Nixon, the 
evil he did truly lives on after him—in the Supreme Court, 
in the Department of Justice, even in the Post Office. Seiz- 
ing on the Nixon Court's 1973 Miller decision, the Admini: 
stration’s smut hunters launched a campaign of repression 
against erotic films and publications by bringing Federal 
obscenity charges in Bible Belt states where “community 
standards” would most likely produce convictions. Thus, 
Deep Throat and otha popular sex films could be prose- 
cuted in Memphis because they passed through Tennessee 
in interstate commerce. Si magazine, the most successful, 
explicit and important sex journal in the country, has been 
tried in Wichita because some Nixon officials arranged to 
have it mailed into Kansas. He wasn't called Tricky Dick 
for nothing. 

Screw was never sold on Kansas newsstands and it 
has never had more than a dozen subscribers in the entire 
state. Yet the U.S. Government dragged publishers Al 
Goldstein and Jim Buckley from New York to Wichita to 
prosecute them under the 103-ycar-old. postal-obscenity law. 
known as the Comstock Act. The act provides penalties of 
up to five years in prison and $5000 in fines for mailing any 
“obscene, lewd, lascivious, indecent, filthy or vile article, 

thing, device or substance.” It even a crime 
to advise, in a letter or mailed publication, where such 
matter can be obtained. Until a court decision five years ago, 
the Comstock law specifically prohibited the mailing of any 
information on contraception or legal abortion; and it’s still 
possible today for an individual to be prosecuted for writing 
profanity оп a postcard or even in a first-class letter that falls 


into the hands of a postal inspector. (As late as the Sixties, 
such prosecutions were occurring at the rate of 60 to 70 а 
month.) 

This crackpot law was the work of Anthony Comstock, a 
notorious 19th Century bluenose who secured its 
1875 and, as an unsalaried postal inspector, personally 
enforced it with a fanaticism that verged on insanity. Armed 


with a revolver and a free railroad pass, Comstock traveled. 
the country, seizing and destroying tons of books of "im- 
proper character," hundreds of thousands of “obscene” 
pictures, photographs, condoms and even playing cards. He 
raised entrapment to the level of an art, soliciting contra- 
ceptive information from doctors and early birth-control 
advocates by writing letters in the guise of desperate women 
who һай been warned they would die in childbirth. In 1913, 


while prosecuting William Sanger, husband of Margaret 
Sanger, for mailing a family-planning book Comstock had 
ordered under a fictitious name. 

On the 100th anniversary of his law, U.S. postal offi 
used classic Comstock procedure to set up Goldstein and 
Buckley. A New York postal inspector, on orders from 
superiors in New York and Washington, sent money and 
subscription forms to postmasters of the Kansas towns of 
Pratt, Salina, Lawrence and Hutchinson. These officials 
subscribed to Screw and its sister publication, Smul, under 
phony names, and then sent the sealed envelopes contain- 
ing the magazines back to authorities in New York, un- 
opened. 

The Comstock Act doesn't define obscenity; the Govern- 
ment need merely accuse someone of mailing it, and the 
burden of proof is placed on the defendant to persuade a 
jury that he's innocent, Unfortunately for the Screw Two, 
their jury in Wichita was conservative even by Kansas 


standards. Of the four men and eight women, only five 
were under 40 and most were from small farming com- 
munities. One woman juror had to be excused 


Another told local TV newsman Charles Duncan, 
so embarrassed. . . . I held a paper up in front of me and 
cried. 

The defense called on New Yorker drama critic Brendan 
Gill psychiatrist Walter Menninger and Dr. Wardell 
Pomeroy, a co-author of the Kinsey Reports, as well as a 
book reviewer and an art director for The New York Times 
and a prominent Wichita newspaperman, all of whom tes 
fied that Screw's articles, columns, reviews and editorials— 
induding many attacking the Nixon Admi ion—gave 
it more than enough political and artistic value. One of the 
prosecution's two expert witnesses, a University of. Kansas 
English profesor, said the magazines had no serious literary 
merit and neither did Cosmopolitan, Redbook, vr.Avnov or 
the Ladies! Home Journal. 

The defense presented cultural and constitutional argu 
ments against censorship, while Assistant U.S. Attorney 
Larry Schauf admonished the jurors that they had a duty to. 
conscience and to Kansas to save their children from the 
depraved smut kings of Times Square, that “hideous market 
place of sex,” 10 prevent each of their towns from having its 
own 42nd Street. There must be controh on freedom of 
expression, he warned, or “some playwright in this crazy 
world of ours would find some individual willing to comm 
suicide onstage.” The issue before those 12 proud Kansans, 
he said, was not the First Amendment or censorship or en- 
trapment but “whether decency is alive and breathing any 
more. Js it alive enough to raise up on one arm and draw a 
linc? The line that must be drawn above Screw and 
Smut? I decency is dead, ladies and gentlemen, please tell 
me!” Confident it wasn't dead in Wichita, Schauf turned to 
the defendants and declared, “There's no more hiding left 
for Mr. Buckley and Mr. Goldstein.’ 

Federal district judge Frank G. Theis presided over the 
trial impartially. Wichita papers and TV stations reported 
it accurately, one editorializing that "thousands of taxpayer 
dollars are being frittered away on a case which, both sides 
admit privately, would have been quickly tossed out of court 
in New York." 

If the Government's case was nothing more than a hell-fire 
appeal to ignorance, fear and prejudice, it worked its spell 
in Wichita. The jury found Goldstein and Buckley guilty on 

1 counts—and, in doing so, helped the Government forge а 

nd economic weapon with which to impose 
censorship. Their defense has already cost these two pub- 
lishers almost $175,000, and years of appeals lie ahead. By 
blowing the dust off the Comstock Act, the Justice Depart- 
ment can now threaten national or metropolitan. pub- 
lications with full-blown Federal prosecutions in what it 
considers to be the most puritanical communities in the 
land. 

As George Bernard Shaw once put it: 

Comstockery is the world’s stan 
expense of the United States, Europe likes to hear of 
such things. It confirms the deep-seated conviction of 

the Old World that America is a provincial place, a 

second-rate country-town civilization alter all. 


g joke at the 


This is the third of a series of editorials. 


43 


PLAYBOY 


44 


Ofall menthols: 


Carlton 
is 
lowest. 


See how Carlton stacks down in tar. 
Look at the latest U.S. Government figures for: 


The 10 top selling cigarettes 


tar mg./ nicotine mg./ 
o HS See 
Brand P Non-Filter 27 17 
Brand C Non-Filter 24 15. 
BrandW = CUN: 13 
Brand S Menthol 19 13 
Brand S Menthol 100 П 7E 
Brand W 100 d 18 12 
BrandM 18 14 
Brand К Menthol Hg 13. 
Вгапа М Вох 17 10 
Brand K = 16 10 
Other cigarettes that cal 
Su E 
themselves low in “tar 
DA Pes 
as EROS 
BrandD — — 15 10 
Brand P Box ac 14 08 
Brand D Menthol 14 а 
Brand M Lights _ Wo В 
Brand W Lights — 13 09 
Brand K Milds Menthol 13 08 
Brand T Menthol E 07 
Brand T 11 ETS 
Brand V Menthol 11 08 
Brand V ah 07 
Carlton Filter 2 *02 
Carlton Menthol 1 +01 
Carlton 70 n 50.7 


(lowest of ай brands) 
"Av per cigarette by FTC method. 


No wonder Carlton is the fastest growing of the top 25 brands. 


Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined 
That Cigarette Smoking ls Dangerous to Your Health. Menthol: 1 mg. “tar”. 01 то. nicotine; Filter: 2 mg. "tar", 0.2 mg. nicotine, 
Carlton 70's: 1 mg. "tar", 0.1 mg. nicotine av. per cigarerte by FTC method. 


THE PLAYBOY FORUM 


а continuing dialog on contemporary issues between playboy and its readers 


THE BEST DEFENSE. 

I must take exception to the May 
Playboy Forum leuer that suggests that 
“сусту woman in the U.S. carry a Satur- 
ight special and, if attacked by a 
rapist, blow the son of a bitch aw 
That is poor advice. 

Saturday-night specials are notoriously 
ineffective and unreliable. I would advise, 
instead, the use of a quality small- 
caliber, double-action handgun, made by 
a reputable firm and loaded with hollow- 
point ammunition. 

A rapist or an armed robber or any 
other violent attacker deserves the very 
best. 


John T. Graham 
Kingston, Ontario 


JUSTICE FOR RAPISTS 

Tt is certain that the high rape statistics 
in this country are abetted by the reluc 
tance of women to press charges, the 
skepticism of policemen and the strange 
ambivalence of juries in dealing 
rape. Charles McCabe, a very perceptive 
columnist for the San Francisco Chroni- 
cle, has offered a rather bizarre solution 
to this problem. He suggests that women 
who are raped should report it to the 
police as indecent exposure. This will 
change everything, McCabe argues: “First, 
the police have no respect for guys who 
take out their penises in front of women 
and will immediately try to find the cul- 


prit. . Second, the woman is not em- 
ban ed before her friends and her 
husband. Third, the raper who is picked 


up is very humiliated, since his friends 
think he is a sick guy who can't even 
таре a woman.” McCabe also argues 
t fewer cases will go to trial, since most 
yers would urge a guilty plea rather 
a judgment in a case of "si 


that even if the case does go to tial, the 
woman cannot be crossexamined about 
her background, as in rape cases. 
hly plausible; but what 
does it tell us about societys present 
attitudes toward the much more serious 
(and violent) crime of 
Mich: 
Sacramento, Califor 


FEMINOPHOBIA 

I agree with the rage of the letter 
writer in the May Playboy Forum who 
suggests that women take steps to defend 
themselves against rapists. However, I 
get the feeling that women these days 
are beginning to look upon all men as 


potential rapists. Several years ago, there 
was an article by Germaine Greer in 
PLAYBOY (Seduction Is a Four-Le iter 
Word, January 1973) that implied that 
many of the things men consider fair 
tactics in getting women into bed arc a 
form of rape. And earlier this year, I 
read a review of the book on rape 
Against Our Will, in which the author 
states that rape is “nothing more or less 
than a conscious process of intimidation 
by which all men keep all women in a 
state of fear.” 

Women may not realize that not only 
are most men not rapists or would-be 


“A rapist or an armed 
robber or any other 
violent attacker 
deserves the very best.” 


rapists but there is a large group of men 
who are afraid of women. Women don’t 
know about these men because they rare- 
ly come into intimate contact with them. 
1 am one such and I believe that this 
group outnumbers the rapists many times 
over. 

We are men who are afraid to talk to 
women, to call them up and ask for dates 
and, if by some fluke we do get a date, 


afraid to make any advances. In my own 
case, because of fear, my only experi- 
ences of sexual intercourse have been 
with prostitutes. We frightened men go 
through our entire lives in a prison of 
our own making. If women realized how 
many of us there were, perhaps they 
would fecl kindlicr toward the male se 
(Name withheld by request) 
Kansas City, Missouri 


ENEMA ACTION 

I can only note with disapproval your 
straightfaced effort to create a verb 
form of the word enema in your May 
Forum Newsfront itcm reporting com 
tion of the Illi housebreaker given 
to "enemizing" his women victims. More 
Properly the expression would be ene- 
; your word would mean to make 
an enemy. 


5. Hoffman 
New York, New York 
Well, he didnt make himself very 
many friends. 


WOMAN'S BEST FRIEND 

After reading the letter from the wom- 
an in Syracuse, New York, who climaxes 
only with the help of a vibrator (The 
Playboy Forum, April), I find myself 
moved to encourage her not to give up 
оп men yet. A year ago, I was more or 
less in the same position. My marriage 
was falling apart, my sex life was kaput 

d, being too upset to do otherwise, I 
turned to my vibrator for sexual satis- 
faction and was quite pleased with it. It 
never failed to satisfy me, never got 
grumpy, never fell asleep when 1 was 
Поту. 

But Т did not give up оп men. After 
I got my head together, І moved out into 
the dating circle, establishing relation- 
ships—temporary—with various guys, but 
my vibrator was still my main source of 
gratification . . . until І met the man I 
am living with now: a warm, moving, 
living, breathing vibrator. Wow! Need- 
less to say, I haven't used my mechanical 
one for months. 

(Name withheld by request) 
Dayton, Ohio 


Hey, fellow vibrator freaks, you don't 
have to buzz alone! If your man has no 
ego problem about it and isn't made to 
feel inadequate in other ways, he'll enjoy 
the vibrator experience, too. There are 
any number of imaginative positions that 
allow a couple to be stimulated simulta- 
neously with the dever application of this 
device. In fact, with a little practice, it is 


45 


PLAYBOY 


not difficult to climax together. As a 
woman who enjoys intercourse but who 
rarely reaches orgasm without the help of 
a vibrator, I find that this dual technique 
provides instant foreplay for me and 
tremendous sensations for my man. If 
you like vibrating by yourself, you'll just 
love doing it with someone clse. 
(Name withheld by request) 
Montebello, California 
And then with others. And then some- 
body will want to form a club, which will 
inspire а national organization with 
jackets and patches and newsletters. 
Could be the biggest thing since С.В. 


radio. 


HANDY GADGET 

Recent letters in The Playboy Forum 
on masturbation reflect a refreshing cm- 
dor that I believe is long overdue. It’s 

teresting to me that the sexual revolu- 
tion has given women the vibrator but 
has produced hardly any comparable 
monosexual toys for men. 

A few months ago, in an erotic bou- 
tique, I bought a device that I think 
answers the need. It is euphemistically ad- 
vertised as a marital device or an aid to 
erection but is quite obviously a male 
masturbatory toy. It consists of a soft rub- 
ber cylinder that encircles most or all of 
the penis. Running lengthwise inside are 
four fingerlike chambers that inflate just 
slightly by means of a tube leading to a 
ibber bulb. The user inserts his penis 
to the cylinder—well lubricated with 
K-Y jelly and a drop or two of water to 
make it slipperier. Rhythmic manual 
squeezing of the bulb creates exquisitely 
pleasant sensations. Unlike the vibrator, 
the device has no batteries to run down 
and is completely silent. 

Using this toy, 1 quite often linger 
delectably along the way for an hour 
or so before letting myself go into orgasm. 
It has enhanced considerably the pleasure 
of getting there. The gadget should be as 
popular with men as the ubiquitous vi- 
brator is with women. I enjoy it whenever 
І can, usually at least once a day. While 
it’s no substitute for sex with a coopera- 
tive woman, it is certainly better than 
do 


BIGGER IS BETTER 

Tve heard and read that the size of 
a man's penis is inconsequential, pro- 
vided he knows how to use it. A lot of 
men scem to use this obvious fact in 
asserting the superiority of small organs; 
they argue rather fatuously that well- 
endowed men, like beautiful women, rely 
so heavily on their physical assets that 
they never develop any lovemaking skills. 
thing that can be done with 
be done with a larger 


nutive tool. 
ly, many of my female friends 


FORUM NEWSFRONT 


what's happening in the sexual and social arenas 


THE KINKY SEX CROWD 

MIAMI BEACH—Two psychiatrists who 
interviewed 42 expensive callgirls and 
ten madams reported that 60 percent of 
the prostitutes’ clientele were either pub- 
lic officials or influential executives. Ad- 
dressing a convention of the American 
Psychiatrie Association, Drs. Samuel S. 
Janus and Barbara Е. Bess of New 


York Medical College said that these 
lwo groups of customers overwhelming- 
ly preferred flagellation, bondage and 
humiliation to conventional intercourse. 
The prostitutes, who worked in New 
York, Las Vegas and California, listed 
a total of 5408 customers, 80 percent of 
whom were married. 


ABORTION PROBLEM 

As many as 770,000 women were un- 
able to obtain legal abortions in 1975 
because they could not find a hospital 
that would allow the operation, Ac 
cording to Family Planning Perspective, 
abortion services are confined largely to 
big-city clinics and are not readily avail- 
able to women who are poor, young and 
live in rural areas. The magazine said 
that more than one million women had 
legal abortions last year and that this 
represented more than one fifth of all 
pregnancies. The Center for Disease 
Control in Atlanta reported that during 
1975, only three women in the U.S. 
died of illegal abortions. 


PRIVACY VS. SECRECY 

RICHMOND, VIRGINIA—A U.S. appeals 
court has ruled that a married. couple 
forfeit their right of sexual privacy if 
they permit other persons to witness or 
participate in their sexual acts. Uphold- 
ing the sodomy conviction of a Virginia 
Beach couple who had engaged in oral 
sex in the presence of another man, the 
four-judge majority held that “if the 
couple perform sexual acts for the ex- 


citation or gratification of welcome оп. 
lookers, they cannot selectively claim 
that the state is an intruder.’ Three 
dissenting judges said the majority con- 
fused privacy with secrecy and declared 
that the right of privacy was older than 
the Bill of Rights. 


HIGH COURT COPS OUT 

WASHINGTON, p.C.— The U. S. Supreme 
Court has declined to review, for what 
it said was “want of a substantial Fed- 
eral question,” a lowercourt decision 
upholding the Illinois flag-desecration 
law. The American Civil Liberties 
Union, representing three young wom- 
en convicted of burning a flag to protest 
the Vietnam war and the Kent State 
shootings, had challenged the law as an 
unconstitutional limitation of freedom 
of speech. 


AVOIDING THE ISSUE 

WASHINGTON, D.c—Again sidestep- 
ping constitutional issues, the Supreme 
Court has held that states may not те- 
quire parental consent for minors on 
welfare to receive free contraceptives. 
The Court avoided ruling on the right- 
of-privacy question raised by a parental- 
consent law in Utah and, instead, 
decided the case on the basis of a con- 
flict between Federal and state laws. 
Under Federal law, states participating 
in Medicaid and the Aid to Families 
with Dependent Children programs 
must provide family-planning assistance 
to recipients who request it, including 
minors. 


BIRTH CONTROL, OR ELSE 

NEW DEL—The government of Ut- 
tar Pradesh, home state of India’s prime 
minister, Indira Gandhi, has formally 
proposed compulsory sterilization for 
men who have fathered three children. 
The proposed legislation would carry a 
prison term of up to two years for any 
man who failed to comply, and who then 
would be sterilized in jail. Several of 
India’s 22 states already are penalizing 
government workers who have three or 
more children. 


GREEDY GROOMS 
ISLAMABAD, PAKISTAN—The Pakistan 
national assembly has passed a bill 
limiting dowries to $500 and wedding 
expenses to $250. The purpose of the 
legislation, which still must pass the 
upper house, is to discourage avaricious 


bachelors from demanding excessive 
amounts of money or property from the 
families of prospective brides. 


CRIME VS. SIN 

ortawa—A board of judges and at- 
torneys appointed by the Canadian gov- 
ernment to recommend changes in the 
national criminal code has wrged that 
the country's morality laws be “carefully 
reconsidered” by parliament. “Our 
criminal code is largely the product of 
19th Century thought wedded to a Vic- 
torian philosophy which is now inade- 
quate,” the Law Reform Commission 
said in its report. The commission listed 
abostion, incest, obscenity, indecency, 
polygamy, pornography, gambling and 
drug use among those “offenses whose 
wrongfulness and seriousness” should 
be re-evaluated. 


OCCUPATIONAL HAZARD 

MIAMI KEACH—The president of the 
American Psychiatric Association has 
warned members against mixing busi- 
ness and pleasure. “An increasing 
number of malpractice claims in psycho- 
therapy in recent years has been related 
10 sexual seduction of patients,” Dr. 
Judd Marmor said. “There is a real 


possibility, if this trend continues, in- 
surance carriers will exclude this from 
their coverage. Indeed, some have al- 
ready begun to do so.” He noted that 
other medical doctors are slightly more 
inclined than psychiatrists to engage in 
sex with patients, but he said this was 
of “scant comfort.” 


NARCOTICS AND CRIME 

WASHINGTON, D.C—Efforts to combat 
heroin traffic may have the unintended 
effect of increasing the number of rob- 
beries, burglaries and other ""revenue- 
producing” crimes, according to the 
Drug Abuse Council. A 40-month study 
conducted іп Detroit indicates that 


when narcolics agents succeed in reduc 
ing the availability of heroin, the price 
goes up, and addicts who support their 
habit through crime tend to commit 
more crimes in order to raise the extra 
money. 

Meanwhile, the U.S. Ci 
says that the country is experiencing 
“the highest level of smuggling since 
Prohibition days. 


stoms Bureau 


“MANHOLE” PRESERVED 
BERKELEY—The Berkeley city council 
has decided its policy of desexing job 
titles and terminology need not be ex 
tended to include manhole covers. 
When members were dealing with a 


routine item of business involving bids 
for city sanitation equipment, a coun- 
cilwoman objected to the term person- 


The cover on a sewer, she 
‘is mot an acceptable desexed 


hole cover 
said, 
word. 


LIBBERS BLAMED AGAIN 

mkUssELS—A healtl-ministry official 
has blamed the feminist movement for 
« reported increase of lice, fleas and 
cockroaches in Belgian homes. The 
ministry's director of social services said. 
the Belgians’ growing pest problem is 
due mainly to a lack of cleanliness and 
proper housekeeping. “I hardly darc 
say so,” the official told newsmen, “but 
the fault can largely be attributed to 
women’s liberation. Man and wife now 
more often go to work together in the 
morning and are often too tired 10 
start cleaning up the house when they 
get back in the evening. They watch 
TV and then go to bed.” 


LOSING THEIR BALLS 

Tokvo—Japan's environmental pro- 
tection agency has appealed to naval 
and merchant seamen not to pollute the 
ocean with golf balls. The agency esti- 
mated that more than 2,000,000 used 
balls are consigned to the deep each 
year by ships’ crew members practicing 
their drives. 


unconditionally endorse large penises. 
Some just like the visual turn-on; others 
say a big organ fecls better in their 
hand. A few insist that it produces a 
more intense sensation, since it stretches 
the vaginal opening more. And those 
who like exotic screwing contend that 
they enjoy sexual variety with a man 
with a large penis, since a small one 
makes some of the more athletic posi 
tions virtually impossible. 

АШ other things being equal, I have 
to believe that most women would prefer 
a lover with an ed penis. Many 
would choose a large one. But few, if 
any, would deliberately seck out a man 
with a very small one. 

(Name and address 
withheld by request) 

AIL things being equal, most men prob- 
ably would prefer to make love to a 
woman with an average-tolarge bust. 
But all things never are equal, and by 
the time we add all the other factors 
that ave crucial in attracting one person 
to another, penis or bust size has lost 
its importance. Оту one-dimensional 
people choose lovers on the basis of one 
dimension. 


IRISH TROUBLES 
It was with disgust that I read the 
lewer from an anonymous reader in 


igic situ 
(The Playboy Forum, May). Personally, 
1 have seen sights in Northern Ireland 
that 1 will never forget, such as the limbs 
an beings being shoveled into 
plastic bags after LR.A. bomb explo- 
sions. Consequently, letters like the one 
that appears in the May Forum do not 
strike me as either useful or amusing. 
What is happening has nothing to do 
with the Irishwoman's inability to have 
orgasms. There have been almost 2000 
people killed in Ulster during the pres 
ent troubles. The political leaders in 
Northern Ireland, both Protestant and 
Catholic, the leaders in the Republic of 
Ireland, the leaders of Great Britain and 
even the U.S. Ambassador to the U. K. 
all agree that the problems and the kill- 
ings are being aggravated by money from 
the U.S. Maybe Americans should keep 
their dollars and their inane idea of 
comedy to themselves. 

Christopher D. McGimpsey 
Liverpool, New York 


CAMELOT VS. WATERGATE 

In the May Playboy Forum, a reader 
Its J.F.K. as being "able to service 
us beautiful women day and night 
and still run the country," while “Richard 
Nixon . . . vented . . . sexual frustrations 
by bombing Напої at Christmastime” 
Come on! How convenient it is to forget 
that J.F.K.'s popularity at the time of 
his asassination was extremely low and 
that he was not running the country. 


eee Let's face it: If J.F.K. had been caught 


47 


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48 


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WHEN YOUR TEAM IS ON THE 
TWO-YARD LINE, YOU SHOULDN'T 
BE IN THE CONCESSION LINE. — 


"The best seats in the stadium won't do ү 
you much good. if vour stomach won't 
let vou stay in them. 

So. while vou're tucking your ticket 
into one pocket, it makes sense to tuck 
Slim Jim" into the other. 

Slim Jim is a chewy all meat snack 
that comes in five different flavors. ' 
And goes just about anywhere you 
want to take it. 

Which means it's also great for 
racing, hunting, golf. or any time 
you're hungry, anvwher 

Get Slim Jim at your érocer's, 
in mild. spicy, pizza. bacon, 
or salami. 

Then, when you get to your 
Seat, you'll be able to stay there. 


A LITTLELESS THAN A MEAL. 
ALITTLE MORE THAN A SNACK. 


politically snooping on his enemies, there 
would have been a tuttut on page 
prefaced with the admonition th: 


Presidents do it.” 


I 
But if Nixon had been 
shown to have the sexual morals of an 
alley cat, it would hı 
news, the source of glecful hysteria by the 
news media and an excuse to call for his 
immediate resignation 
Nixon was obviously guilty in the 
Watergate affair. But he would have been 
strung up by the liberal community for 
spitting on the sidewalk. On the other 
hand, if J.F.K. had pissed on the Liberty 
Bell, the same people would be the first 
to justify it as being only a boyish prank 
William E. Berry 
El Cajon, California 
Come on, yourself! Nixon would have 
been a lot more popular if he'd been à 
swinger insteüd of а bugger. 


© been front-page 


J.F.K.'5 MEMORY 
John Fisher is to be applauded for 
his straightforward defense of John Е 
Kennedy's memory in the May Playboy 
Forum. 1, too, will “take a dozen John 
Kennedys any day.” If the various sen 
sationalistic journalists would get oll 
Kennedy's back, I'm sure they could find 
more constructive and important subjects 
to write about. I only hope Pope Paul 
doesn’t have any skeletons in his closet 
Greg Beaumont 
Des Moines, Iowa 


"AS GOD IS MY WITNESS” 

I am intrigued by the suit b 
the Italian Unitarian Homose 
olutionary Front, against Pope 
for slander. The gay paisanos claim that 
the Pope's denunciation of homosexual- 

ing the charge made in 
ne that he himself is 
nderous and spiteful expres- 
sions.” Slander is generally defined as 
any untrue statement that subjects the 
victim to hatred, ridicule and contempt. 
Since there is no doubt that the state 
ments of Pope Paul VI and the Catholic 
hierarchy in general tend to subject the 
gays to hatred, ridicule and contempt, 
any legal decision must hinge on whether 
ог not the Vatican's antigay position is 
true. This is similar to the issue that was 
decided when Henry Ford, after publish 
ing the Protocols of the Eldexs of Zion, 
was forced under threat of suit to admit 
that they were a forgery. The Catholic 
condemnation of homosexuality is based 
on the claim that the Vatican knows God's 
opinions and that God is bitterly antigay. 
Can this case be fairly decided without 
bringing God into the courtroom and 
finding out what He really thinks about 
gays? Will God come into court, or will 
He ignore the whole business, as He usu- 
ally ignores the brawls on this backward 
planet? 

This 
Catholicism and homosexuality, Could 
other religious leaders be sued and 


scs questions that go beyond 


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forced to justify their claims of speaking 
for the Almighty? Could the ganscen- 
dental-meditation people sue Billy Gra- 
ham and force him to present evidence. 
that God disapproves of TM? Could Sun 
Myung Moon be hauled into court to 
prove that God really opposed the Water- 
gate investigations? Makes you think. 
(Name withheld by request) 
ап Miguel de Allende, Mexico 


RECREATION VS. PROCREATION 

In the frequent discussions in PLAYBOY 
on homosexual activity, some confusion 
has been generated by the tendency to 
treat the homosexual issue as if it were 
a self-contained civil-liberties question ab- 
stracted from controlling moral consid- 
erations, According to Humanae Vitae, 
the much-maligned 1968 encyclical of 
Pope Paul VI on contraception and 
other issues relating to human life, there 
inseparable Connection, willed by 
God and unable to be broken by man on 
his own initiative, between the two 
meanings of the conjugal act: the unitive 
meaning and the procreative meaning.” 
The intrinsic connection between the 
unitive and the procreative is rooted in hu- 
тап nature itself. The willful separation 
of the unitive (or recreational) and the 
procreative aspects of sex is characteristic 
not only of contraception but also of 
homosexuality, as well as of pornography 
and abortion. 

PLAYBOY and the rest of the contracep- 
tive society, however, base their beliefs 
on the fallacy that the unitive aspect of 
sex is an independent and self-sufficient 
end in itself, with no inherent relation to 
procreation. I think this is the essence of 
the praynoy philosophy, pursuant to 
which the partner, whether male or fe- 
male, tends to become merely an. instru- 
ment of one's own gratification. Once 
that contraceptive philosophy is accepted, 
there can be no coherent objective 
ground for opposition to homosexual 
activity, If the recreational, or unitive, 
aspect of sex is a total end in itself, there 
i sential reason why sex should be 
restricted to couples of different sexes 
or reserved for marriage. 

Brother Don Fleischhacker, C.S.C. 
University of Notre Dame 
Notre Dame, Indiana 

Brother, you sound like Saint Thomas’ 
lawyer, We say that either kind of sex 
can be an end in itself, both kinds ave 
good, but don't get the two confused. 


is a 


OUT OF THE SQUAD ROOM 

San Francisco, hardly the 
heterosexuality capital, has long had a 
history of hostility between the police 
and the gay community. The new chief 
of police, Charles Gain, suggested a 
novel approach to easing this problem, 
calling on homosexual police officers to 


nation's 


"come out of the closet” and declare 
themselves. “It will be hard for them, 1 
know that,” he said, “but they'll have 
the full support of the police chief.” 
Police response to this offer h 
negative. According to the San 
Examiner, one cop said, “It’s disgusting, 
another said, and a third de. 
clared, “Now he's calling us fruits." No- 
body acknowledged that he was gay. 
This is especially striking because, 
when all is said and done, San Francisco 
is probably the most liberal city in the 
U.S. Gain’s promise to support gay cops 
would have been political suicide any- 
where else. It looks to me as if we're still 
living in the sexual dark ages. 
B. Davis 
Los Angeles, California 


SEX IN THE BACK ROOM 

There are still places in the world 
where Dr. Alex Comforts The Joy of 
Sex is considered obscene. Two years 
ago, in Macon, Georgia, the operator of 
а local bookstore was arrested for selling 
the popular sex manual, but charges were 
dismissed without trial after the judge 
determined that the book had been il- 
legally seized. Well, folks don't give up 
easily in Macon (some are still fighting 
the War Between the States, suh!) and 
now a local alderman has charged that 
Dr. Comfor's manual is obscene and 
has called for police action against local 
distributors. The alderman, a mental 
giant named Ed DeFore, has looked 
the beautiful drawings in The Joy of 
Sex and pronounced them "pure por- 
nography.” 

The funniest part of this litle saga is 
the comment of the bookdealer: "No- 
body's buying it much now to speak of. 
But I keep it in the back room in case 
somebody wants it." And so, in Macon, 
the joy of sex has yet to replace the 
fear of sex. 

(Name withheld by request) 
Atlanta, Georgia 


PRISONER OF PORN 

According to The Washington Post, 
one of the leading antipornography cru- 
saders im the District of Columbia is 
himself a. projectionist at a porn-movie 
theater. This is not another example of 
bluenose hypocrisy. however: the man i 
66 years old, needs the money and can't 
find another job. He faces the back of 
the projectionist’s booth all day long 
and avoids looking at the screen as much 
as possible. He has even developed a 
technique for changing recls without see- 
ing what is going on in the movic. He's 
quoted as saving that he once loved his 
job, when the big features were Shirley 
Tanple films and the Andy Hardy 
series. Now he spends hours writing to 
Government officials, pleading that anti- 
porn laws be re-established. 

І don’t approve of censorship, but I'm 


somewhat touched by this poor man’s 
predicament. 
George E. Johnson 
Wilmington, Delaware 


FREEDOM TO PROPHESY 
One of the most important civil liber- 
ties cases in the country is being general- 
ly ignored by the press: the suit by the 
American Civil Liberties Union to over- 
throw the 70-year-old antidivination ordi- 
nance in San Francisco. This may not 
seem important to anybody but gypsy 
palm readers and their clients, but, ac 
tually, the issue involves the meaning of 
the First Amendment doctrine of sepa- 
ration of church and state. The fact is 
t every religion claims some degree of 
ination, at least to the extent that the 
fests or shamans allege that they have 
al insight into the wishes of the Al- 
‘The First Amendment, on the 
face of it, should protect all such claims, 
not just those of the more wellheeled 
churches. Why punish those who find 
prophecies in crystal balls and not those 
who find them in the Apocalypse? 
Michael King 
Sacramento, California 


LICENSE FOR LEVITY 

You can F city hall. For the past four 
years, the inscription on my Cadillac's 
license plate has been r vov. The plate 
had actually been issued and I had uscd 
it from 1972 to 1974 before the Cali- 
fornia Department of Motor Vehicles 
decided it was naughty and offensive. 
Only one California resident complained 
to the D.M.V., but that was enough to 
embarrass 

When the D.M.V. tried to cancel the 
plate, I chose to fight back. I sent it a 
long letter, with copies 10 the governor 
and the attorney general, but the de. 
partment would not reconsider. We had 
to go to court. I'd estimate that the 
D.M.V. spent $11,000 of the taxpayers’ 
money on the сазе. It flew two attorneys 
from Sacramento to Los Angeles and 
also paid the travel expenses of the chief 
kawa, former 
president of San Francisco State Col- 
lege. Under oath, Dr. Hayakawa con- 
nadicted the basic principles of general 
semantics, on which he is supposed to be 
an expert, by swearing that F you can 
have only one possible meaning. He in- 
sisted that F cannot stand for any word 
but fuck and that fuck always has sexual 
connotations. Arguing my own case for 
the defense, 1 showed that most diction- 
aries, other expert witnesses and the 
courts themselves in other cases have 
recognized that the expression has many 
meanings, both humorous and hostile, 
unconnected with sex itself. 

The trial steadily became more ridicu- 
lous, At one point, Hayakawa was shout- 
ing “Fuck you!” over and over—he was 


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imitating а student demonstration of 
several years ago, but the effect was rath- 
er astonishing. On another occasion, 1 
used the word fuck several times rapidly, 
illustrating its various and contradictory 
meanings. The court reporter inter 
rupted. "Wait a minute—you're going 
too fast. Fuck who?” 

The court ruled that having issued the 
plate two years earlier, the D.M.V. could 
not cancel it, since that would be breach 
of contract. 1 was sorry that so much 
money had been wasted on this farce, but 
L retained my right to the plate. The 
D.M.V. is now twice as cautious about 
issuing new personalized license plates 
Hayakawa is running for U.S. Senator 
аз a Republican. And California remains 
a fascinating place to live, if you enjoy 
the bizarre. 


Harry В. Coleman 
Sepulveda, California 


THE ROAD TO HELL 

A leer in the April Playboy Forum 
states that an objective moral code is a 
necessity, because “if everyone rejected 
objective morality, power would win out 
and the victors would force-feed their 
moral code to the losers." But this is 
exactly what happens now with so-called 
objective morality. Almost all moral codes 
cla that's how 
their adherents justify imposing them on 
others, 


m to be objectively valid: 


C. Moore 
New York, New York 


MY SISTER, MY LOVE 

One of the most beautiful sexual ex- 
periences of my life was with my sister 
Having written that, I can already im- 
agine the strangulated mixture of emo- 
tions in the ordinary citizen—curiosity, 
shame. prurient excitement and moral 
outrage. Isn't it strange that people should 
feel so strongly about a situation that 
doesn't involve them and that they can't 
fully understand? The only objective dan- 
ger in incest is the heightened probability 
of abnormal birth and, with modern con- 
traception, that is no longer a real danger. 
Why are we still controlled by the preju- 
dices of Old Testament fanatics and me- 
dieval hysterics? 

The incident was the most tender and 
also the most guiltless of the seven times 
Thave been, as they say, unfaithful to my 
wife during ten years of happy marriage. 
As on the other occasions, I was away 
from home and lonely. ‘The emotional 
situation, however, was very special, since 
І was attending the funeral of my sister's 
husband. I was staying in the spare bed 
room of her house and the night after 
the service, I awoke to hear her crying 
I went to the living room and found her 
on the couch, weeping and totally miser- 
able. We began to talk (I think I ex- 
presed my philosophy of life more 
articulately than ever before or since) and 
after a while, quite simply, we were 


Yes, Levi's. thats made Levi's a legend in its own time. 
But with a look so different, weve given Even the prices are in the Levi's tradition. Sug- 
them a different name: “Panatela? gested retail for the corduroy outfits 
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Yes, Levi's Páfiátela" 


PLAYBOY 


CONGRESSIONAL NOOKY 
opinion By JAMES R. PETERSEN 


No doubt about it: Politics makes 
strange bed partners. I read with 
terest a recent front-page story that 
claimed a House committee chairman 

d asked a clerk to submit to bondage 
and discipline. From the tone of the 
article, you would have thought the guy 
was the Beast of Nanking or the 
Madman of My Lai. Weird? Kinky? 
Depraved? Not really. Some of my 
best friends arc strange bedpersons. 
"Ehe old goat had probably read Alex 
Comforts Joy of Sex and wanted to 
чу a liule amateur knot tying. The 
practice is not unknown in Washing- 
ton, What do you think the red tape 
is for? 

Frankly, I'm not sure what all the 
fuss is about. You wouldnt fire your 
electrician if you found out she was 
sleeping around. Good electricians 
are hard to come by. The same 
standard should apply to politicians. 

Take the case of Wayne Hays. 105 
alleged that the Congressman broke 
two of the lesser-known rules of order: 
Thou shalt not fish in the office pool. 
Thou shalt not stock the pond. The 
first is forgivable, The second is, at 
most, a misdemeanor, for which Hays 
was stripped of his power. Did he 
deserve his comeuppance? 

Elizabeth Ray said she couldn't type 
(she had to dictate her novel). It isn't 
the first time that someone іп Wash- 
ington has received tax dollars for not 
doing his or her job. At least in this 
case, not a few citizens got something 
in return for their money. Better that 
the $14,000 was spent on a blonde 
bombshell than on another warhead 
or a multimillion-dollar fiasco like 
the Memphis porn trials. 

Patrick Buchanan typifies the self- 
appointed spokesmen who expressed 
pious outrage at Congressional capers. 
In an editorial tiled “It's Not the 
Money but the Morality,” he charges: 


"phe acrid, unmistakable odor 
of decadence is walting off Capitol 
Hill and the m has caught the 
scent... . What has disturbed and. 
disgusted a significant е of 
[America] are the unverified re- 
ports of widespread promiscuity 
and debauchery in the Capitol. . . . 
If the national press allocates the 
same muscle to a full-court press 
on Capitol Hill during this 
scandal it did to Richard 
Nixon’s White House during the 
Watergate scandal, a significant 
component of the 94th Congress 
h. 


‘There you have it, folks: a political 
purge in the finest Puritan tradition. 
If you can't win in a fair fight, hit 
below the belt. Perhaps Buchanan, 
who once wrote speeches for President 
Nixon, recalls the plaque that graced 
the wall of Charles Colson's White 
House office: WHEN YOU'VE GOT THEM 
BY THE BALLS, THEIR HEARTS AND 
MINDS WILL FOLLOW. 

The ground rules for the current 
purge were established by Benjamin 
Bradlee, the executive editor of The 
Washington Post. When two of his re- 
porters uncovered the Hays-Ray affair, 
he gave it the full National Enquirer 
treatment. A front-page banner head- 
line. Provocative photos. Tidbits culled 
from intimate phone calls (keyhole 
journalism at its lowest). Not exactly 
the kind of thing you'd expect from 

ason Robard 

Ironically, at the same time the 
Washington Post reporters were eaves- 
dropping on Hayss calls to his m 
tress, Bob Woodward was investigating 
charges that Hays had misused his 
stewardship of the House restaurant 
by treating supporters to free lunches. 
The story might not have gotten page- 
one headlines (big tits sell -more 
papers than big tabs), but it would 
have nailed Hays for a legitimate 
reason. Abuse of power is rampant in 
every area of Congressional enterprise. 
By equating office affairs (or inter- 
office affairs) with political corruption, 
The Washington Post has succeeded in 
giving sex a bad name. 

The New York Times even admits 
that “if Congress examined itself, sex 
might be just a start." Come off 
guys. The Watergate story resulted 
increased surveillance of campaign б- 
nancing. Are we now going to ask 
Uncle Sam to drop his striped trouser 
for an annual inspection? Washington 
is not the Vatican, nor should we €x- 
pect it to be. If anythi 
hear that Congressmen are getting it 
on. There's some truth to the adage 

Make love, nor war." A man who is 
satisfied in bed will not vent his in- 
securities on Panama. It is said that the 
man who rattles his saber does so be- 
cause the blade does not fit the sheath. 

If newspapers insist on invading 
privacy to cover the body politic, they 
should do so in a spirit of celebration, 
not repression, Sex and power are in- 
d. Biologists have noted that in 
colonics of baboons, the dominant 
males have first crack at the females 
during mating. Сап we seriously ask 
our leaders to deny nature? 


making love. It was like every licentious 
fantasy I'd had about her in my adoles- 
cence, but with the involvement and 
compassion that only maturity brings. 
My sister, like most women widowed 

young, is now married again, quite hap- 
pily. When we meet, we never refer to 
that night, but E think we Iove each other 
more than cver. 

(Name withheld by request) 

St. Petersburg, Florida 


ALL IN THE FAMILY 

I've got myself into a jam that's com- 
plicating my Ше something awful. I have 
no one to blame but myself. You'd think. 
what I got into I could also get out of, 
but it just doesn't веет to be that simple. 

Not long ago, my son married a beau- 
tiful, 18-year-old redhead. Soon after their 
martiage, he left for the Service, leaving 
his wife to stay with my wife and me. 
Not more than three months later, she 
began to pay a lot of attention to me. At 
first, I thought nothing about it. nor did 
my wife. But it was pretty hard not to 
notice her legs and body, especially when 
she wore her cutoffs. I got a damn hard-on 
just from looking. 

One week, my wife came down with 
the flu and had to stay in bed for a few 
days. The first night, my daughter-indaw 
walked into the living room wearing a 
loose robe and, under it, the sheerest 
white pajamas I'd cver scen, I just 
stared, wanting no end to fuck her. It 
seemed to me that that was what she 
wanted, too. I finally said, “To hell with 
"апа we made it right there in the liv- 
ing room. Before the sun came up the 
next morning, we'd fucked four times. 

My son has since г and he and 
his wife have moved own home. 
They have a baby now and seem very 
happy. But she still wants me. Гуе tried 
to talk her out of it, but she just smiles 
and moves in close, and we end up fuck 
ing at least two or three times a month, 
Once, we actually made it in the kitchen 
alter everyone else had gone to sleep. 

That's where things stand now and it's 
real predicament. I honestly feel terrible 
about it and get a guilty, uneasy fecling 
whenever they come over for a visit. I 
want to stop, but I can't. T don't. need 
advice, because I know what the answer 
is: to stop this right now and to never 
let myself be alone in a room with her. 
But even though I know what I should 
do, І can't resist her. Maybe ГЇЇ just 
quietly go nuts. 

(Name withheld by request) 
‘Tucson, Arizona 


"The Playboy Forum" offers the 
opportunity for an extended dialog be- 
tween readers and editors of this publi- 
cation on contemporary issues. Address all 
correspondence to The Playboy Forum, 
Playboy Building, 919 North Michi 
gan Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 60611. 


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PLAYBOY 


56 


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wi DAVID BOWIE 


an outrageous conversation with the actor, rock singer and sexual switch-hitter 


He was once a scruffy, honey-haired 
folk singer. Then the foppish leader of 
а Beatles-prototype pop band, The 
Buzz. Then an adamanily bisexual ballad- 
eer. Then a spacy, cropped-red-haired 
androgynous guitarist backed by a band 
called the Spiders from Mars. Then a 
soul singer. Then a movie actor . . . and 
finally, a smartly conservative, Sinatra- 
esque entertainer. David Bowie, it’s safe 
fo say, would do anything to make it 
And now that he has made it, he'll do 
anything to slay there. 

At 29, David Bowie (born David Jones 
in Brixton, England) is far more than 
another rock star. He is a self-designed 
media manipulator who knows neither 
tact nor intimidation. There is but one 
objective to his bizarrely eclectic ca- 
reer—altention. Without it, he would 
surely wither and dic, Before a crowd of 
paying customers, if possible. 

In April 1975, Bowie splashily an- 
nounced he had. given up on rock. “Ive 
rocked my roll,” is the way he put it. 
"It's a boring dead end. There will be 
no more rock-n'-roll records or tours 
from me. The last thing I want to be is 
some useless fucking rock singer.” That 
was the second time he'd made such a 
statement. He had first announced a rock 


"ANDY KENT 
“Girls are always presuming I've kept my 
heterosexual virginity. So Гое had all 
these girls try to get me over to the other 
side again: ‘C'mon, David, it isn't all 
that bad? 1 always play dumb.” 


retirement during his encore at a huge 
outdoor London concert in 1973, after 
which he went on to release “Diamond 
Dogs" and to book a three-month Ameri- 
can tour. 

This time, Bowie ate his words of 
farewell even more spectacularly. Last 
November, he arranged an interview by 
satellite from his Los Angeles home with 
England's most popular talk-show host, 
Russell Harty, to explain that he had 
а new album of double-fisted rock ‘n 
roll, “Station to Station." What’s more, 
Bowie rambled on, he would soon be 
embarking on a six-month world-wide 
concert blitz. The government of Spain, 
meanwhile, demanded emergency use of 
the satellite to tell the world that Gen- 
eralissimo Franco had died. Bowie, always 
the bad boy, refused to give it up. 

Bowie is not the most loved man in 
the music business. Still, he has made his 
mark, When he first appeared оп an 
American stage, in 1972, he was humping 
his guilarist, wearing full make-up and 
sporting lavishly feminine costumes. He 
instantly. created a new genre—glamor. 
vock—that yanked rock out of its in- 
nocence. Mick Jagger and The Rolling 
Stones, Elton John, Alice Cooper, Todd 
Rundgren, Lou Reed and a host of 


CINEMA 5 
“The only thing that shocks now is an 
extreme. Like me running my mouth off, 
jacking myself off. Unless you do that, 
nobody will pay attention to you. You 
have to hit them on the head.” 


glitter bands, such as Queen, Roxy Mu- 
sic, Slade, T. Rex and Cockney Rebel, 
followed suit. 

Once Bowie had turned everybody's 
head on that first U. S. tour, it wasn't long 
before his then-current LP about a doomed 
rock demigod, “The Rise and Fall of 
Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from 
Mars,” shot to the top of the charts, His 
three previous albums—all stiffs in their 
day—began selling wildly. The press 
leaped to proclaim Bowie the Next Big 
Thing we'd all been craving since the de- 
mise of the Beatles. Just as quickly, it 
turned to attack the phenomenon. There 
was, it seemed, something about Bowie's 
bisexual band wagon that wasn't quite... 
healthy. 

Musicians and. critics banded. together 
to revolt against Bowie's decadence. But 
Bowie had already assumed a new, equal- 
ly ludicrous facade—4isco soul. Suddenly, 
this frail, faggy hard rocker was bumping 
and grinding out rhythm-and-blues, And 
it worked. Bowie racked up two huge 
hits, “Young Americans" and. “Кате” 
Then came the ultimate acceptance: He 
became one of the very few whites ever 
to be invited to appear on “Soul Train.” 

To accommodate the wide base of his 
success, Bowie has since assumed the 


ANDY KENT 
“Adolf Hitler was one of the first rock 
stars. Look at some of his films and see 
how he moved. I think he was quite as 
good as Jagger. The world will never 
sec his like. He staged а country." 


57 


PLAYBOY 


38 


posture of grand old entertainer, wearing 
black formal trousers and vest over a white 
shirt, “Station to Station” reached the 
sacred gold status of $500,000 worth sold. 
His subsequent world tour, just com- 
pleted, was a sellout at every stop. 

Now, in Bowie's biggest year yet, the 
onetime glitter king/queen of rock is 
threatening to keep a promise for once. 
He has always claimed to be a genuine 
film star, and his performance in Nicolas 
(“Walkabout "Don't Look Now,” 
“Performance”) Боер recent release, 
“The Man Who Fell to Earth," has won 
praise. The choice of Bowie to 
the title role was, according to The 
New York Times, “inspired. Mr. Bowie 
gives an extraordinary performance.” 

We figured it was about time to catch 
up with Bowies crusade—as he has ex- 
plained it—to rule the world. Free-lance 
journalist and Rolling Stone contribut- 
ing editor Cameron Crowe was sent to 
visit wilh the most arrogant superstar to 
invade the media in the Seventies. His 
report: 

“My talks with Bowie began as far 
back as early 1975. Few of our sessions 
were marathon affairs, No matter how 
stimulating the conversation, after any 
longer than an hour of silting still, Bowie 
could barely contain himself. ‘Can we 
just take a short break?” he'd blurt. Not 
wailing for a reply, he would then shoot 
to his feet and dart in another direction: 
sometimes to write a song or two, other 
times to dash off a painting. In one 
instance, he ended a session by asking for 
а random list of 20 items. Í gave it to 
him. He studied the list for ten seconds, 
handed it back and recited it from 
memory. Backward and forward. 

“Bowie is expertly charming, whether 
in the company of a stuffy film executive, 
another musician or a complete stranger. 
He is fully aware that he is a sensational 
quote machine. The more shocking his 
revelation, from his homosexual encoun- 
ters to his fascist leanings, the wider his 
grin. He knows exactly what interviewers 
consider good copy; and he gives them 
precisely that. The truth is probably 
inconsequential.” 


PLAYBOY: Let's start with the one question 
you've always seemed to hedge: How 
much of your bisexuality is fact and how 
much is gimmick? 

BOWIE: It’s true—I am a bisexual. But 
I can't deny that I've used that fact very 
well. I suppose it’s the best thing that 
ever happened to me. Fun, too. We'll 
talk all about it. 

PLAYBOY: Why do you say it's the best 
thing that ever happened to you? 
BOWIE: Well, for one thing, girls are al- 
ys presuming that I've kept my he 
al virginity for some reason. So T' 
had all these girls try to get me over to 
the other side again: "C'mon, David, it 


isn’t all that bad. I'll show you." Or, 
better yet, "We'll show you.” I always 
play dumb. 

On the other hand—I'm sure you want 
to know about the other hand as well— 
when I was 14, sex suddenly became all- 
important to me. It didn’t really matter 
who or wh as with, as long as it 
a sexual experience, So it was some very 
pretty boy in class in some school or 
other that 1 took home and neatly fucked 
on my bed upstairs. And that was it. My 
first thought was, Well, if I ever get 
sent to prison, I'll know how to keep 
happy. 

PLAYBOY: Which wouldn't give much 
slack to your straighter cellmates. 

ays been very chauvinistic, 
even in my boy-obsessed days. But I was 
always a gentleman. I always treated my 
boys like real ladies. Always escorted. 
them properly and, in fact, 1 suppose if 
I were a lot older—like 40 or 50—I'd be 
a wonderful sugar daddy to some little 


“James Dean epitomized 
the very thing that isso 
campily respectable today— 
the male hustler... . He 
had quite a sordid little 
reputation. I admire him 
immensely.” 


ton. Га have a 
ard to order 


queen down in Kensi 
houseboy named Ri 
around. 

PLAYBOY: How much of that are we sup- 
posed to believe? Your former publicist, 
the celebrated ex-groupie Cherry Vanilla, 
says she's slept with you and that you're not 
gay at all. She says you just let people 
think you like guys. 

BOWIE: Oh, I'd love to meet this impostor 
she's g about. It sure 
That’s actually a lovely quote. Cherry's 
almost as good as Тат at using the media, 
PLAYBOY: Yet the fact remains that you've 
never been seen with a male lover. Why? 
BOWIE: Oh, Lord, I got over being a 
queen quite a long time ago. For a 
while, i prety much 50-51 
the only time it tempts me is when I go 
over to Japan. There are such beautiful- 
looking little boys over there. Little boys? 
Not that little. About 18 or 19. They 
have a wonderful sort of mentality. 
They're all queens until they reach 25, 
then suddenly they become samurai, get 
married and have thousands of children, 
J love it. 


nd now 


PLAYBOY: Why, at a time when nobody 
else in rock would have dared allude to 
it, did you choose to exploit bisexuality? 
BOWIE: I would say that America forced 
me into it. Someone asked me in an inter- 
view once—I believe it was in '71—if I 
were gay. No, I'm bisexual.” The 
пуй, КҮ ane Cor an e КЗ nn 

trades, had no idea what the term meant. 
So I explained it to him. It was all 
printed—and that's where it started. It's 
so nostalgic now, isn't it? ‘Seventy-one 
was a good American year. Sex was still 
shocking. Everybody wanted to see the 
freak. But they were so ignorant about 
what I was doing. There was very little 
talk of bisexuality or gay power before 1 
came along. Unwittingly, I really brought 
that whole thing over. І never, ever saw 
the word gay when I first got over here 
to Апи It took a bit of exposure and 
a few heavy rumors about me before the 
gays said, “We disown David Bowie.” 
And they did, Of course. They knew that 
I wasn't what they were fighting for. 

Nobody understood the European way 
of dressing and adopting the asexual, an- 
drogynous everyman pose. People all 
went screaming, “Не% got make-up on 
and he's wearing stuff that looks like 
dresses!” I wasn't the first one, though, 
to publicize bisexuality. 

PLAYBOY: Who was? 

BOWIE: Dean. James Dean did, very subtly 
and very well. I have some insight on it. 
Dean was probably very much like me. 
Elizabeth Taylor told me that once. Dean 
was calculating. He wasn't careless, He 
was not the rebel he portrayed so success- 
fully. He didn't want to dic. But he did 
believe in the premise of taking yourself 
to extremes, just to add a deeper cut to 
one's personality. 

James Dean epitomized the very thing 
that is so campily respectable today— 
the male hustler. It was part of his 
incredible magnetism. You know, that he 
was... a whore. He used to stand on 
Times Square to earn moncy so he could 
go to Lee Strasberg and learn how to be 
Marlon Brando. He had quite a sor: 
little reputation. І admire him immense- 
ly—that should take care of any question 
you may have about whether or not I 
have any heroes. 

PLAYBOY: Thanks. Now what about your 
posing in drag for the cover of the Eng- 
lish album of The Man Who Sold the 
World? 

BOWIE: Funnily enough, and you'll never 
believe me, it was a parody of 
Rossetti. Slightly askew, obvi 
when they told me that a drag-queen 
cult was forming behind me, I said, “Fine, 
don't try to explain it; nobody is going 
to bother to try to understand it" ГИ 
play along, absolutely anyihing to break 
me through. Because of everybody's thirst. 
for scandal—look at how big People is— 


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PLAYBOY 


60 


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they gave me a big chance. All the papers 
wrote volumes about how sick I was, how 
I was helping to kill off true art. In the 
meantime, they used up all the space 
they could have given over to true artists. 
That really is pretty indicative of how 
compelling pretension is. that it com- 
manded that amount of bloody writing 
about what color my hair was gonna be 
next week. I want to know why they 
wasted all that time and effort and paper 
on my clothes and my pose, Why? Be- 
cause I was a dangerous statement. 

The follow-up to that, now that I've 
decided to talk a little more—if only to 
you—was, “How dare he have such a 
strenuous еро?" That, in itself, seemed 
a danger to some people. Am I, as a 
human being, worth talking about? 1 
frankly think, Yes, 1 am. Гуе got to 
through with the conviction that I am 
also my own medium. The only way I 
can be effective as a person is to be this 
confoundedly arrogant and forthright 
with my point of view. Thats the way I 
am. I believe myself with the utmost 
sincerity. 

PLAYBOY: But aren't you having trouble 
getting other people to believe you? Take, 
for example, your well-publicized [ire 
wells to showbiz, You've retired twic 
swearing you'd never have another thin 
to do with rock 'n' roll. Yet you've just 
finished a six-month world concert tour, 
promoting your newest rock'n'roll al. 
bu Station to Station. How do you 
rationalize these contradictions? 
BOWIE: J lic. It's quite easy to do, Nothing 
matters except whatever it is I'm doing 
at the moment. I can't keep wack of 
everything 1 1 don't give a shit. I 
can't even remember how much I believe 
and how much 1 don't believe. The point 
is to grow into the person you grow into, 
I haven't a due where I'm gonna be in a 
ng nut, a flower child or a 


bored. 
PLAYBOY. What clse do you do to keep 


from getting bore: 
BOWIE: You name it. 

PLAYBOY: How about drugs? 

BOWIE: What year is it now? ‘Seventy-si 
I suppose I've been knocking on heaven's 
door for about 11 years now, with one 
sort of high or another. The only idis 
of drugs I usc, though, are ones that keep 
me working for longer periods of time. 1 
haven't gotten involved in anything 
heavy since "68. 1 had a silly flirtation 
h smack then, but it was only for the 


1 that many times. I hate falling 
out, where I can’t stand up and stuff. It 
scems like such a waste of time, I hate 
downs and slow drugs like grass. I hate 
sleep. I would much prefer staying up, 
just working, all the time. It makes me 


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so mad that we can't do anything about 
slecp or the common cold. 

PLAYBOY: Do you remember the first 
time you got stoned? 


BOWIE: On grass? I'd done а lot of pills 
ever since I was a kid. Thirteen or four- 
teen. But the first time I got stoned on 
grass was with John Paul Jones of Led 
Zeppelin many, many years ago. when 
he was still a bass player on Herman's 
Hermits records. We'd been talking to 
Ramblin’ Jack Elliott somewhere and 
Jonesy said to me, “Come over and TH 
turn you on to grass.” I thought abour it 
and said, “Sure, I'll give it a whirl.” We 
went over to his flat—he had a huge 
room, with nothing in it except this 
huge vast Hammond organ, right next 


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bright finder with exposure indicators, lens f/stop 
readout and a diagonal split-image rangefinder, a short- 
stroke rapid advance lever and a host of other niceties you 
expect on a camera with the Rollei name. 

Equally essential, equally precise, is the Rollei 35mm SLR 
system, including bellows, automatic extension tubes, lens 
adapters, microscope adapter. filters, hoods, cases and most 
especially the lenses themselves. Focal lengths from 16mm 
through 200mm, all equipped for full-aperture metering, 

Precision it’s a word synonymous with Rollei, now door to the police department 
given new expression by the Rolleiflex SL35M. I had done cocaine before but never 

( grass. І don't know why it should have 
New 


> happened in that order. probably because 
Rolleiflex 


I knew a couple of merchant seamen 


who used to bring it back from the docks. 

I had been doing it with them. And they 

[еде ada loathed grass. So I watched їп wonder 

while Jonesy rolled these three fat joints. 

And we got stoned on all of them. I 

became incredibly high and it turned into 

| | an infucking-credible hunger. I ate two 

| Then the telephone 

ind answer Шаг 

7" So І went downstairs 

Id, N. J. 07006. to answer the phone and kept on walk- 

Ilario M3N-4Y7 — ing right out into the street. I never went 

a back. I just got intensely fascinated with 

the cracks in the pavement. 

PLAYBOY: Did you ever get into acid? 


KENWOOD KA-7300 with BOWIE: 1 did three times. It was very color- 


ful, but 1 thought my own imagination 


PLAYBOY 


was already richer. Naturally. And more 
meaningful to me. Acid only gives people 
a link with their own imagery. I already 


ends dynamic crosstalk distortion! 


had it. It was nothing new to me. It just 
sort of made a lot of fancy colors. 
lights and things. "Oh, look. 1 
in the window: 
acid to make music, either. 

PLAYBOY: How much have drugs affected 
your music? 

Bowie: The music is just an extension of 
me, so the question really is, What have 
drugs done to me? They've fucked me up, 
L think. Fucked me up nicely and I've 
quite enjoyed seeing what it was like 
being fucked up. 

PLAYBOY: Then you agree with the review- 
cr who called your Young Americans 
album “a fucked-up LP from a fucked-up 
rock star"? 
Bowie Well, The Man Who Sold the 
World is actually the most drug-oriented 
album I've made. hat was when I was 
the most fucked up. Young Americans 
probably is a close second, but that is 
from my current drug period. The Man 
was when I was holding on to some kind 
of flag for hashish. As soon as I stopped 
using that drug, 1 realized it damp- 
ened my imagination, End of slow drugs. 
PLAYBOY: at doesn’t sound much like 
the guy who was recently busted in 


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PLAYBOY 


Upstate New York for possession of eight 
ounces of marijuana, 

BOWIE: Rest assured the stuff was not 
mine. I can’t say much more, but it did 
Delong to the others in the room that we 
were busted in. Bloody potheads. What a 
dreadful y—me popped for grass. 
The stuff sickens me. I haven't touched 
it ina decade. 

PLAYBOY: In the song Station to Station, 
though, you do refer to cocaine — 
BOWIE: Yes, yes. The line is, “It’s not the 
side effects of the cocaine... . . I'm think- 
ing that it must be love." Do the radio 
stations bleep it out? 

PLAYBOY: None that we've heard. Did you 
have any тезе 
line in the song? 

BOWIE: None whatsoever. 

PLAYBOY: One might easily construe it as 
advocating the use of cocaine. Or is that 
the message? 

BOWIE: I have no message whatsoever. I 
ly have nothing to say, no suggestions 
or advice, nothing. All I do is suggest 
some ideas that will keep people lisicn- 
ing a bit longer. And ont of it all, maybe 
they'll come up with a message and save 
me the work. My career has kind of been 
like that. I get away with murder. 
PLAYBOY: You clitim you like to work all 
the time. se only onc album 
а усаг. What exactly do you do between 
recording sessions? 

BOWIE: I write songs and screenplays and 
poems, I paint, | do Kurlien photog- 
phy, I man: ‘If, 1 act, 1 produce, 
1 record, sometimes 1 tour. 1 could give 
you five new and unreleased David Bowie 
albums right now. I could just hand them 
over. Гус got an incredible backlog of 
material. Work, work, work... 

PLAYBOY: Do you cver relax? 

BOWIE: Tf you're asking whether or not I 
take vacations, the answer is no. I find 
all my relaxation within the context of 
work; I'm very serious about that. I've 
always thought the only thing to do was 
10 пу to go through life as Superman, 
he from the word go. I felt far too 
insignificant as just another person. I 
couldn't exist. think 1 that was im- 
nt was to be a good person. I 
I don't want to be 
just another honest Joe. I want to be a 
supersuperbeing and improve all thc 
equipment that I've been given to where 
it works 300 percent better. I find that 
's possible to do it 

PLAYBOY: Would you give us some exam- 
ples of your self-improvement? 

BOWIE: When I started writing, I couldn't 
put more than three or four words togeth- 
er. Now I think I write very well. I'm 
finding that if I just look at something 
and think, A man did that, I realize I 
сап do й, too. And probably better. I 
didn’t know anything about films, either 
I mean, nothing at all. So I went out, 
got hold of a lot of the greatest films and 
worked it all out for myself. Very logi- 
cally done. Now I have an excellent 


knowledge of the art. 1 became a bloody 
good actor, ГЇЇ tell you. And ГИ be a 
superb film maker as well. It’s only a 
matter of deciding what you want to do. 
PLAYBOY: Surcly, you doubt yourself some- 
times. 


uch anymore. About two 
ed Thad become a total 
product of my concept character Ziggy 
Stardust. So I set out on a very successful 
ide to re-cstablish my own identity. 
ipped myself down and took myself 
layer by layer. 1 used to sit in bed 
and pick on one thing a week that I 
either didn't like or couldn't understand. 
And during the course of the week, I'd 
try to kill it off. 

PLAYBOY: What was the first tl 
attacked? 

BOWIE: 1 think my lick of humor was the 
first thing I picked on. Then prissiness. 
Why did I feel that I was superior to 
peoplez I had to come to some conclu- 
sion. I haven't yet. but I dug into myself. 
‘That was very good therapy. 1 spewed 


g you 


“I consider myself 
responsible for a whole new 
school of pretensions— 
they know who they are. 
Don't you, Elton? Just 
kidding. No, Tm not." 


myself up. Fm still doing it. I seem to 
know exactly what makes me sad. 
PLAYBOY: Doesn g youself apart 
all the time tend to make you a little 
schizophren 
BOWIE: The four of me will h 
about that. Am I schizophrenic? One 
side of me probably is. but the other side 
is right down the middle, solid as а rock. 
Actually, I'm not schizophrenic at all. I 
think that my thought forms are frag- 
mented a lot that much is obvious. I 
often think of six things at one time. 
They all sort of interrupt one another. 
Not very good when I'm driving, 
PLAYBOY: Do you ever have trouble decid- 
ing which is the real you? 

BOWIE: I've Icarned to flow with myself. 


1 honestly don't know where the real 


David Jones is. It's like playing the shell 
game. Except I've got so папу shells I've 
forgotten what the pea looks like. I 
wouldn't know it if I found it. Being 
famous helps put off the problems of 
discovering myself. I mean that, That's 
the main reason I've always been so keen 
on being accepted, why I've striven so 
hard to put my brain to artistic use. T 
want to make a mark. In my carly stuff, 
1 made it through on sheer pretension. I 
consider myself responsible for а whole 


new school of pretensions—they know 
who they are. Don't you, Elton? Just 
kidding. No, I'm not. See what 1 mean? 
That was a thoroughly pretentious st 
ment. True or not, 1 bet you'll pr 


tual analysis or analytical thought has 
bcen applied and. people will yawn. But 
something that's pretentious—that keeps 
you riveted. It’s also the only thing that 
shocks Tt shocks as much as the 
Dylan thing did 14 years ago. As much as 
sex shocked many years ago. 

PLAYBOY: You're saying sex is no longer 
shocking: 
BOWIE: Oh, come on. Sorry, Hugh. Sex 
has never really been shocking, it was 
just the people who performed it who 
were. Shocking people, perform 
Now nobody really cares. Ev 
fucks everybody. The only thing that 
shocks now is an extreme, Like me run- 
ning my mouth off, jacking myself off. 
Unless you do that, nobody 
attention to you. Not for long. You have 
to hit them on the head. 

PLAYBOY: Is that the Bowie success for- 


ways been it, It's never 
wed. For instance, what I did 


у Ziggy Stardust was package a 
totally credible, plastic rock-n-roll sing- 
er—much better than the Monkees 


could ever 


bri my plastic 
rock“w-roller was much more plastic 
than anybody's. And that was what w: 
needed at the time. And it still is. Most 
people still want their idols and gods to 
be shallow, like cheap toys. Why do you 
re the way they are? 
nts, chewing g 


to go. It's no surprise that Ziggy was a 
huge success. 

PLAYBOY: Is that why you said you became 
Ziggy at one point? 

BOWIE: Without even thinking about it 
At first, 1 just assumed that. character 
onstage. Th ted to иса: 
me аз they tr as though 1 
were the Next Big Thing, as though 1 
moved masses of people. 1 became соп. 
vinced I w; Very scary. I woke 
up fairly quickly. 

PLAYBOY: Do you cver worry about your 
fans’ giving up on you—not wanting to 
hear Bowie as a soul singer or whatever? 
BOWIE: Well, they must understand what 
my trip was in the beginning. I've never 
been a musician. 

PLAYBOY: What have you been? 

BOWIE: The unfortunate thing is that I've 
always wanted to be a film director. And 
the two media got unconsciously amal- 
gamated, so 1 was doing films on record. 
That creates your basic concept album, 
which becomes a bit of a slow pack 
horse in the end. Now I know that if 
I'm going to make albums, I've got to 
make albums that 1 enjoy musically, or 
else just make the fucking film. A lot of 


my concept albums, like Aladdin Sane, 
Ziggy and Diamond Dogs, were only 
percent there. They should have b 
visual as well. I think that some of the 
most talented actors around are in rock. 
I think a whole renaissance in film mak- 
ing is gonna come from rock. Not because 
of it, though, despite it. 
PLAYBOY: But you've said that you find 
rock depressing and sterile, even evil 
BOWIE: It is depressing and sterile and. 
ultimately evil. Anything that con 
tributes to si tion is evil. When it has 
familiarity, it’s no longer rock 'n' roll. 
It's whi sc. Dirge. Just look at disco 
music—the endless numb beat. It’s really 
dangerous. 

So I've moved on. I've established the 
fact that I am an entertainer, David 
Bowie, not just another boring rock 


noi 


singer. I've got a film out, Nicolas 
Roeg's The Man Who Fell to Earth. And 
ГИ be doing а lot more, tak 
chances. The minute you know you're on 
safe ground, you're dead. You're finished. 
Irs over. The last thing I want is to 
be established. I want to go to bed every 
night saying, “If I never wake again, I 
certainly will have lived while I was 
alive. 
PLAYBOY: Let's go back 10 disco music. 
You say it's а dirge, yet you had the big. 
gest disco hit of last year in Fame and 
you scored again this year with Golden 
Years. How do you explain that? 

BOWIE: I love disco. It’s а lovely escap- 
ists way out. I quite like it, as long as it's 
not on the radio night and day—which it 
is so much these days. Fame was ап ii 
credible bluff that worked. Very flatter 
ing. ГИ do anything until I fail. And 
when I succeed, I quit, too. I'm really 
knocked out that people actually dance 
10 my records, though. But lers be hon 
est: my rhythm and blues are thoroughly 
plastic. Young Americans, the album 
Fame is from, is, 1 would say, the defini. 
tive plastic soul record. It's the squashed 
remains of ethnic music as it survives in 
the age of Muzak rock, written and sung 
by a white limey. If you had played 
Young Americans to me five years ago 
and said, “This is an R&B album,” I 
would have 
PLAYBOY: How about if we had said, 
“This is going to be your album five 
years from now" 

BOWIE: 1 would have thrown vou and the 
record out of my house. 

PLAYBOY: What did you think of Barbra 
= your song Life on 


g a lot of 


ghed. Hysterically 


Sureisand's record 
Mars? 
BOWIE: Bloody awful. Sorry, 


b, but it 
was atrocious. 

PLAYBOY: You're not noted for cordial re 
lationships with other artists. Yet there 
was the rumor that you flew to Europe 
10 spend a sabbatical with Bob Dylan 
What about it? 

BOWIE: Thats a beaut. I h 
left this bloody country in ye: 


"t even 
s. 1 saw 


ei 


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. is it Memorex? 


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aglass. And anything Ella 
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If you record your own music, 
Memorex can make all 
the difference in the world. 


MEMOREX necoraıng tape. 


Is it live, or is И Memorex? 


©1976, Memorex Corporation, Santa Clara, Calitornia 95052 


65 


PLAYBOY 


66 


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m 


Dylan in New York seven, eight months 
ago. We don't have a lot to talk about 
We're not great friends. Actually, 1 
think he | 
PLAYBOY: Under what circumstances did 


BOWIE: Very bad ones. We went back to 
somcbody's housc after some gig at a 
club. We had all gone to see someone, I 
Gut remember Dylan was 
there. I was in a very, sort of . . . verbose 
frame of mind. And I just talked at him 
for hours and hours and hours. and 
whether I amused him or scared him or 
repulsed him, I n't know. I 
didn't wait for any rs. I just went 
on and on about everything. And then I 
said good night. He never phoned me. 
PLAYBOY: Did he impress you? 

BOWIE: Not really. I'd just like to know 
what the young chap thought of me. 1 
was quite convinced that what I had to 
say was important, which I seem to feel 
all the time. It’s been quite a while since 
somebody really impressed me, though. 
PLAYBOY: Could another musician im. 
press you? 

BOWIE: Gil Evans; Ricky Ricardo, may- 
be. 1 like meeting other artists, but they 
rarely impress me. Regular people do, 
people who aren't playing power games 
1 know power plays immediately and 
I'm better at it than most of them, so 1 
discount them in a flash. 

PLAYBOY: How did you become а rock-r 
roller, anywa 
BOWIE: Truth? 1 was broke. І got into 
rock because it was an enjoyable way 
of making my moncy and taking four or 
five years to puzzle my next move out. I 
was а painter before that. studying com- 
mercial art at Bromley Technical High 
School. 1 tried advertising and that was 
awful. The lowest, But I was well into my 
little saxophone, so I left advertising and 
thought, Lers give rock а uy. You can 
have a good time doing that and usually 
have at least enough money to live on. 
Especially then. It was the Mod days; 
nice clothes were half the battle. 

PLAYBOY: But nice clothes cost money. 
BOWIE: At the time, not necessarily. I 
lived out of the dustbins on the back 
streets of Carnaby. Carnaby Street was 
actually at one time, quite fashion 
able—before it became known to cvery 
body in London. The very best young 
designers were down there and because 
they were very expensive Italians, if any 
of the shirts had a button off or any 
thing like that, it would go in the dust 
bin. We'd go around and nick all the 
уш out of the dustbins. Entire ward- 
robes of clothes for, well, nothing. All 
you had to do was sew a button on or 
stitch a sleeve. I remember when 1 used 
to steal everything. Had to look fashion- 
able. We all were caught up in that 
game of wanting to be the next Elvis 
Presley, hopping from tinny band to tin 
ny band. I went through a group culled 


who, and 


THE FIRST BEER Ё 
THE BEST F 


HOFBRAU 


BAVARIA 


А “Light Raan 


IME US PORTER: HANS HOLTERBOSCH, INC. NEW YACHT 


PLAYBOY 


68 


David Jones and the Buzz, another called 
id Jones and the Lower Third, even 
a mime troupe called Feathers. 

PLAYBOY: What was it like to be a mime? 
BOWIE: Oh, listen, it’s very easy to be a 
mime. There wasn't much competition. 
I only reasonably good. My tech- 
nique was quite poor, actually. but. no- 
body really knew. I've got a very good 
body and it does things I want it to 
do, but I'm still not disciplined enough to 
ever compete with a Marcel Marceau. 
Mime helped me learn a lot about body 
la - "That's all. ы 
PLAYBOY: Didn't your wife, А have 
somcthing to do with getting you your 
first recording contract? 

BOWIE: Angela and I knew cach other 
because we were both going out with 
the same man, Another one of her 
boyfriends, a talent scout for Mercury 
Records, took her to а show at The 
Roundhouse, where I happened to be 
playing. He hated me. She thought 1 was 
great. Ultimately, she threatened to li 
him if he didn’t sign me. So he signed me. 
PLAYBOY: And how was the situation 
with your mutual boyfriend resolved? 
BOWIE: І married Angela and we both 
continued to see him. 

PLAYBOY: Why did you marry her? 

BOWiE: Because I realized that she'd be 
one of the very few women I'd bc capa- 
ble of living with for more than a week. 
She is remarkably pleasant to keep com- 
ing back to. And, for me, she always will 
be. There's nobody more demanding 
than me. Not physical y, but 
mentally. I'm very strenuous. Very in- 
tense about anything I do. I scare away 
most people I've lived with. 

PLAYBOY: Were you in love with Angela? 
BOWIE: Never haye been in love, to 
speak of. I was in love once, maybe, and 
it was an awful experience. It rotted me, 
drained me, and it was a disease. Hateful 
thing, it was. Being in love is something 
that breeds | ager and jealousy, 
everything but love, it seems. 105 a 
bit like Christianity—or any religion, 
for that matter. 

PLAYBOY: What do you believe in? 

BOWIE: Myself. Politics. Sex. . 
PLAYBOY: Since you put yourself first, 
do you consider yourself am original 
thinker? 

BOWIE: Not by any means. More like a 
tasteful thief The only art I'll ever 
tudy is stuff that 1 can steal from. 1 do 
think that my plagiarism is effective. 
Why does an artist create, anyway? The 
way I sec it, if you're 
invent something that you hope people 
can use. 1 want art to be just as pract 
cal. Art can be a political reference, a 
sexual force, any force that you want, 
but it should be usable. What the hell 
do artists want? Muscum picces? The 
more I get ripped off, the more flattered 
I get. But I've caused a lot of discontent, 


ule 


n inventor, vou 


because I've expressed my admiration 
for other artists by saying, "Yes, I'll use 
" or, “Yes, І took this from him and 
this from her.” Mick Jagger, for exam. 
ple. is scared to walk into the same room 
me even thinking any new idea. He 
knows I'll snatch it. E 

PLAYBOY: Is it truc that Jagger once told 
you he was hiring the French artist Guy 
Peellaert for the jacket of a Rolling 
Stones album and you ran right off to 
hire Peellaert for your own album, Dia- 
mond Dogs, which was released first? 
BOWIE: Mick was silly. I mean, he should 
never have shown me anything new. I 
went over to his house and he had all 
these Guy Peellaert pictures around and 
said. “What do you think of this guy?” 1 
told him I thought he was incredible. So 
I immediately phoned him up. Mick: 
learned now, as I've said. He will never 
do that again. You've got to be a bastard 
this business. 

PLAYBOY: Any other artists you'd espe- 
ally like to hire? 

BOWIE: 
well to do 


ted Norman Rock- 
Ibum cover for me. Still 


"I'd love to enter politic. 
I will onc day. I'd adore to be 
Prime Minister. And, yes, 
I believe very strongly 
in fascism.” 


do. I originally wanted him for the cov- 
er of Young Americans. 1 got his phone 
number and called him up. Very quaint. 
His wife answered and I said, "Hello, 
this is David Bowie," and so on. 1 asked 
he could paint the cover. His wife 
id in this q ng, elderly voice, "I'm 
sorry, but Norman needs at least six 
months for his portraits.” So I had to 
pass, but I thought the experience was 
lovely. What а «гайт Too bad I 
don't have the same painstaking раз 
sion. Vd rather just get my ideas out of 
system as fast as I can. 

PLAYBOY: Some psychiatrists would call 
your behavior compulsive. Does the fact 
that there is insanity in your family 
frighten you? 

BOWIE: My brother Terry's іп an asylum 
ght now. I'd like to believe that the 
sanity is because our family is all genius, 
but I'm afraid that's not truc. Some of 
them—a good many—are just nobodies. 
e fond of the insanity, actually. 
thing to throw out at parties, 
don't you think? Everybody finds cm- 
pathy in а nutty family. Everybody says, 
“Ob, yes, my {ап 


really is. No fucking about, boy. Most of 
them are nutty—in, just out of or going 
to an institution. Or dead. 
PLAYBOY: What do they think of you? 
BOWIE: I haven't a clue. I haven't spo- 
ken to any of them in years. My father 
is dead. I think I talked to my mother a 
couple of years ago. 1 don't underst 
any of them. It's not a question of the: 
understanding me anymore. The shoe's 
on the other foot. 
PLAYBOY: You've often said that you be- 
ieve very strongly in fascism. Yet you 
also claim you'll one day run for Prime 
Minister of England. More med 
manipulation? 
BOWIE: Christ, everything is a medi: 
manipulation. I'd Iove to enter politics. 
I will one day. Id adore to be Prime 
Minister. And, yes, I believe very strong: 
ly in fascism. The only way we can 
speed up the sort of liberalism that's 
hanging foul in the air at the moment is 
to speed up the progress of а right-win 
totally dictatorial tyranny and get 
over as fast as possible. People һам 
ways responded with greater efficiency 
under a regimental leadership. A liberal 
g "Well, now. what 
ideas have you got?” Show them wh; 
do, for God's sake. If you don't, nothing 
will get done. I can't stand people just 
hanging about. Television is the most 
successful fascist, needless to say. Rock 
stars are fascists, too. Adolf Hitler was 
one of the first rock stars. 
PLAYBOY: How so? 
BOWIE: Think about it. Look at some of 
his films and see how he moved. I th 
he was quite as good as Jagger. Iv 
tounding. And. boy, when he hit t 
stage, he worked an 
God! He was mo politician. He was a 
media artist himself. He used politics 
nd theatrics and created this thing tha 
governed and controlled the show for 
those 12 years. The world will never see 
his like. He staged a country. 

Really, I would like to be Prime Min- 
ster, but I think I'd have to set up my 
own country first. I don't want to be 
Prime Minister of the old country. Id 
have to create the state that I wish to 
e in first. I dream of опе day buying 
ies and television stations, own- 
ing and controlling them. 

PLAYBOY: Are you still obsessed, as you 
reportedly once were, with the fear of 
being a ated onstage? 

BOWIE: No. I died too many times on- 
stage, man. And it’s really not too bad. 
No. 1 don't have that paranoia anymore. 
I've now decided that my death should 
be very precious. I really want to use it. 
I'd like my death to be as interest 
my life has been and will be. And being 
assassinated is not quite a hero's demise. 
Assassination is the . . . the snub. The 
Great Snub, It’s the ultimate result of 
that Wilhelm Reich philosophy—nobody 


me 


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will be allowed to be апу more than 
we are—that most people subscribe to 
in their hearts. People aren't very bright, 
you know. They say they want frec- 
dom, but when they get the chance, 
they раз up Nietzsche and choose 
Hitler, because he would march into a 
room to speak and music and lights 
would come on at strategic moments. It 
was rather like a rock^n-roll concert 
The kids would get very excited—girls 
got hor and sweaty and guys wished it 
was them up there. That, for me, is the 
rock-n-roll experience 

PLAYBOY: You stated in Rolling Stone 
that you'd like to use your music to "rule 
the world . . . subliminally.” Would you 
care to elabo ? 


BOWIE: ] think subliminal advertising is 
great. 
would 


If it hadn't been outlawed, it 
ve gone out of advertising very 
d straight into politic. 1 

xcelled at it. Think of it, 
an empty screen that people could stare 
at for an hour and a half and not actu- 
ve with an en- 
in their heads. 

Rolling Stone got hate 
So did Dali in his day. He knew 

ly what he was doing when he 

painted his paintings. He knew what all 
the objects meant. Should his work have 

been destroyed and he forced to paint а 

vase of flowers? The attitude that says 

the artist. should paint only things that 
the proletarian can understand, 1 think, 
is the most destructive possible. 

That sounds a little like Hitlers going 
to muscums and tearing modern 

үз down, doesn't it? 

You шими be scared of art, Rock 'n' 
roll is only rock 'n’ roll. People hold it 
case you 

rn kids. 


pa 


so sicred—u 
find out tha 
Those old ties antirock movies were 
right. Rock^nroll records are danger- 
ous to the moral fiber. But then, records 
are a thing of the past now, so who 
knows? 
PLAYBOY: We're not quite sure how you 
made the leap from subliminal advertis- 
ing to reporting the death of the record 
industry, but since you have, what do 
you propose will happen to music in the 
future? 
BOWIE: It will return to the sensitivities 
of the working class. That excites me 
Sound as texture, rather than sound as 
music. Producing noise records seems 
pretty logical to me. My favorite group 
is a German band called Kraftwerk—it 
ays noise music to "increase productiv- 
ity.” I like that idea, if you have to play 
music. 
PLAYBOY: We give up. Let's talk about 
movies. Why did you decide to do The 
Man Who Fell to Earth? 
BOWIE. Well, ГЇЇ tell you what hap 
pened. I was sent the script and was im 
mediately intrigued with the character 


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72 


of Newton, who had a lot in common 
with me. He dreaded cars but loved fast 
speeds. He was physically emaciated; 
there were so many characteristics we 
had in common. One problem: I hated 
the se 
PLAYBOY: How did you get around that? 
BOWIE: Nicolas Roeg, the director, came 
over to my house a number of weeks 
alter he'd sent the script. He arrived 
on time and I was out. After eight hours 
or so, I remembered our appointment. 
I turned up nine hours late, thi 
of course, that he'd gone. He was 
the kitch 1 been si 

for hours and hours а 
upstairs, wouldn't go 
ayed in the kitchen. 
embarr: 


to my room. He 
God, I was so 
sed. I thought | would be em- 
the film. He said, 


xm SN “Its a bit corny, isn’t 
His face just fucking fell off. TI 
he started talking. Two or three hoi 
later, I was coi 1 the man was a 
genius. There is a very strong story line, 
as it turns out, but that only provides 
the backbone to the meat of it. It works 
on spiritual and prime levels of an in- 
credibly complex, Howard Hughes-type 
I still don't understand all the 
inflections Roeg put into the film. He's 
of a certain artistic level that’s well 
above me. 

PLAYBOY: Why did Rocg want you? 

BOWIE: He had Peter O'Toole cast, but 
he couldn't do the film. And I believe 
the editor of the film advised Nick to 
watch the documentary about me, 
Cracked. Actor, that was on the BBC. 
Nick watched it and I guess it was my 
attachment to Ziggy, ше alter ego, that 
captured his interest and imagination. 
And my looks helped, too. Roeg wanted 
a definite, pointedly k face—which 
I had been endowed with. 

PLAYBOY: How long did it take for you to 
adapt to the camer. 
BOWIE: Less th: My first film, 
1 couldn't have worked with a director 
unless it was somebody 1 knew instinc- 
tively would become a mentor. I 
couldn't have worked with someone 1 
considered to be less than myself—and 
I have a very, very high opinion of my 
own abilities. Within the first hour on 
the set, I knew that I'd picked the right 
one. Just wait until 1 become a director, 
though. I'll be tremendous. 

PLAYBOY: Do you find acting more worth 
while than rock "n" roll 
BOWIE: Rock ‘n’ roll is 
bums are just me acting out certain 
nd characters. That's why I'm not 
ud of a lot of my records— 
ide is sorely missed. My fi 
ly being on film simply mak E 
I'm sure ГЇЇ take my following with me. 
They're very faithful. 


ting. All my al- 


PLAYBOY: Steven Ford, the Preside 
year-old son, is one of your biggest fans. 
What did you talk about when he visit- 
ed you in Los Angeles? 

BOWIE: Steven Ford? He likes to talk 
about horses. I told him I could ride 
horses English style. He said that he 
rode Western style and knew that riding 
English style was a lot harder. I agreed 
with him and said, “Yes, 
more to do with etiquette 
than to do with horsemanshi 


agreed. That was it, really. I liked him 
very much, I ked him what he 
thought of using rock 'n' roll as а po- 


litical vehicle. 
PLAYBOY: And what did he s; 
BOWIE: Thats when he st 
about horses. 

PLAYBOY: Did hc 


са tall 


te you to meet 
ited myself. I said if 
ver in the area, would he invite me 
He sort of reluctantly said yes. I 


"I noted myself to the 
White House. Steven Ford 
sort of reluctantly said 
yes. I don't know what he’s 
worried about. I was 
avery butch 
gentleman with him.” 


don't know what he's worried about. I 
w ry butch gentleman with him. 
PLAYBOY: How is your relationship with 
Elton John these days? 

BOWIE: Hc sent me a very nice telegram. 
the other day. 

PLAYBOY: Didn't you describe him 
Liberace, the token queen of rock"? 
BOWIE: Yes, well, that was before the tele- 
gram, Id much rather listen to him on 
the radio than talk about him. Let's do 
something elsc. Want to write a song? 
PLAYBOY: Sure. 

BOWIE: All right. We'll call the song 
Audience and it'll be about rock roll. 
All right I'm go Led Zeppelin 
is solid. They make you like а м 
[Writes it down] Quick. Give me the 
ame of an artist, someone in rock. 
PLAYBOY: How about Stevie Wonder? 
BOWIE: Good. vie Wonder is growing 
and you love him most of all.” [Writes it 
down] He's sort of the golden boy, 
body loves him. Who clsc? Name a 
good songwriter. 

Mitchell, 

itchell has our hearts.” 
[Writes it down] She does, doesn't she? 
OK, let me get my g [Looks at 
what he's written and begins strumming 


“the 


and hummi 


softly] АШ right, here we 


R 


go. [Sings] “Led Zeppelin is growing. 


erasing our minds / They make us fedl 
stony, they make us go blind / Hey, Stevie 
Wonder, there like a wall / So good to 
lean on, the hardest of all. - . ." Isn't 
that a nice little tunc? 

PLAYBOY: Is that how you wrote Changes? 
BOWIE: Маз, but that's basically how 1 
wrote most of thc Diamond Dogs album. 
PLAYBOY: What happened to Joni Mitch. 
eli 

BOWIE: She's good enough, she doesn'i 
need me crooning about her. You sec, of 
course, there are no rules to my writing. 
PLAYBOY: We sce. 

BOWIE: You asked about other rockers, 
you got a song. Don't complain. No re 
spect. Who's that comedian? Rodney 
Dangerfield. Don't worry, Rodney. The 
new art is always catcalled, They hooted 
the Mona Lisa. 

PLAYBOY: Do you feel you've bcen taken 
advantage of over the years? 


BOWIE: Not taken advantage of. Ех 
ploited. 
PLAYBOY: Are you suggesting you haven't 


made all that you should have? 

moncywise? Oh, Lord, 
E. АЙ Гус made is 
inge, which, of 


act and 
is worth 
‘The best thing to say 
all is that it's 
business. Read the reports of the Beatles. 
the Stones and а lot of other 
iners and take some kind of У. 
tion of all that; it's а pretty accurate 
picture of my business. John Lennon 
has been through it all. John told me, 
tick with it. Survive. You'll really go 
through the grind and they'll rip you off 
right and left. The key is to come out 
the other I said something cocky at 


self that. 


Everything is great. I'm a Seventies art- 
ist" The last time I spoke to John, 1 
told him he was right. I'd been ripped 
off blind. 

PLAYBOY: You're not а rich man? After 
five gold albu 
BOWIE: Now, yes, exceedingly. No! Wait, 
America! Not at all. Haven't got a pen- 
ny to my name. I'm pleading poverty at 
the moment, but Em potentially very 
rich. Theoretically rich but not wealthy. 
PLAYBOY: Are you as bitter about the 
music business as Lennon and Jagger 
have said they arc? 

BOWIE: No, no, tio. You sce, I needed to 
You've got to make mis- 
takes. It's very important to make mis- 
s. Very, very important. If I glided 
through, I wouldn't be the man I’m not 
today. 

PLAYBOY: Last question. Do you believe 
and stand by everything you've said? 

BOWIE: Everything but the inflammatory 
remarks. 


/ 


\ you ® X 4 doing i bump with yov хой ро, 


try ошй pack. ^ 


К { д, 


Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined 
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. 


74 


an investigative report 
By Larry DuBois and Laurence Gonzales 


UNCOVERING THE SECRET WORLD 
OF NIXON, HUGHES AND THE CIA 
including 
The Buying of the President 
The World’ Biggest Intelligence Front 
The War Within the Hughes Empire 
The Untold Story Behind Watergate 


Of all the mysteries surrounding the Watergate 
affair, perhaps the strangest is that in this, the most 
thoroughly investigated burglary in history, no pub- 
licly accepted motive for the break-in itself has ever 
been established. A vague notion that a group of 
Republican-sponsored burglars decided to get some 
dirt on the Democrats and did so without knocking 
is still widely believed. Lost in the bonanza of books 
and movies about who did it and how it was done is 
the central question: Why did it happen? 

In (hc recent past, some accounts—notably, J. 
Anthony Lukas massive Watergate study, "Night- 
mare” —have suggested that both ihe Howard Hughes 
organization and. the CIA had connections with 
Watergate. And some important pieces of the puzzle 
were put in place by a few of the investigators on Sam 
Ervin's Senate Watergate committee. But the puzzle 
was never made whole, the pieces never seemed to fit. 

A set of unusual circumstances led PLAYBOY to un- 
dertake an investigation of Hughes and the GLA and 
to get a fuller picture of Watergate. Part 1 of our 
report will examine the links between Hughes and 
the CIA and the events leading up to Watergate. 
Part 11, to appear in November, will examine the 
cover-up that succeeded and will reveal how newsmen 
were misled in their efforts to report the whole story. 


PARTI 
A SURVIVOR'S NOTEBOOKS 


To sort of take the term Watergate and 
link it to Howard Hughes, I think, is really 
unlair. — вов WOODWARD, April 25, 1976 


IN THE SPRING OF 1975, a man named Virgino González 
(no relation to Laurence Gonzales) drafted an affidavit 


that was executed in Mexico City. In the sworn docu- 
ment, he claims to be an ex-CIA agent who was as- 
signed by the agency to monitor the activities of 
John Meier, a former Hughes executive. “At the end 
of 1971," Virgino González wrote, "I was ordered to an 
assignment that included monitoring the activities of 
John Meier and was shown a file on him. . . . This file 
showed that Meier came from New York, his early 
busine: e and how he joined Hughes and evaluated 
the underground [nuclear] testing in Nevada. He was 
giving the AEC a hard time on behalf of Hughes.” 

Meier, a computer expert and environmentalist 
who had worked Jor Hughes off and on since 1959, 
was sent to Las Vegas by Hughes to evaluate environ- 
mental problems. Belore Hughes moved to Vegas in 
November 1966, he wanted Meier to give him a full 
report on the effects of atomic testing at the Nevada 
"Test Site, about 100 miles from the city, During three 
of Hughes's four years there (1966-1970), Meier was 
his scientific advisor and one of the few Hughes 
executives who communicated directly with the boss. 
Hughes had chosen Meier to handle his personal pet 
projects, such as his fierce campaign against. nuclear 
testing. Secretly—not even known to others in the 
organization—Meier managed Hughes's 
tions into areas that appealed to the farthest reaches 
of Hughes's imagination: parapsychology, LSD, mys- 
ticism, cryonics (the science of freezing human bodies 
with the hope of later reviving them) and other 
equally unlikely subjects. 

Meier received the 1966 Aerospace Man of the Year 
award, the 1968 Nevada Governor’s Award for Tech- 
nical Achievement in Data Processing and was a 
member of Pr xon's Task Force on Re- 
sources and Environment. He was on the board of 


investiga- 


ILLUSTRATIONS BY ERALDO CARUGATI 


76 


eee AND THE 
PUPPETMASTERS 


advisors of The Manhattan Tribune, was a member of 
the Governor's Gaming Industry Task Force and in 
1971 was appointed special advisor on environmental 
affairs to Senator Mike Gravel of Alaska. 

When Virgino González filed his affidavit, a copy 
was flown to Los Angeles, where Meier's attorney, 
Robert Wyshak, was told in an anonymous phone 
call to pick it up at a hotel near the airport, Wyshak, 
former Assistant U.S. Attorney with experience as 
chief of the tax division of the Central District of 
Calilornia. determined to his satislaction that the 
document was authentic and that Virgino González 
was telling the truth about his illegal surveillance of 
Meier. He sent a copy to Meier and Meier sent a copy 
to Washington for examination by another attorney. 
It was intercepted en route—they believed by the 
CIA—and they then decided to file it in the U.S. 
district court in Nevada. 

Wyshak provided pLaysoy with a copy of the аћ- 
davit because of the last line, which reads, “I asked to 
be put elsewhere and was put onto Hugh Heffner 
[sic] for a time.” The Senate Select Committee on In- 
telligence (the Church committee) was unable to locate 
Virgino González, or to confirm his employment by 
the agency, and views the affidavit with suspicion. We 
never found González but did interview sources who 
claim to have had contact with him, including one 
wi 


ter who told us about interviewing González on 
his agency activities. The authenticity of the docu- 
ment still remains in doubt, but there is strong cir- 
cumstantial evidence indicating that the agency did 
spy on Meier, as Virgino González claims, 

What began as an attempt by us to determine the 
extent of illegal CIA surveillance of Hefner gradually 
developed into an investigation of the CIA itself. 
"That search led us straight into the Hughes or i 
tion, where the story emerged of how critical Hughes 
had been in the rise and fall of Richard Nixon. how 
the CIA had gradually turned the Hughes companies 
into its largest front organization and how those inter 
related matters were all part of the motive for the 
Watergate break-in. 

John Meier! is now a fugitive from the United 
States, living with his family іп British Columbi 
under landed-immigrant status granted him by the 
Canadian government. He supports himself with part- 


! Not to be confused with Johnny Meyer, a former 
Hughes aide who, in the late Forties, was involved in 
the. Hughes military- contracts scandal that ended in 
a Senate investigation. 


time consulting work for the Canadian government 
and private organizations while he fights his case. The 
reason Һе is a fugitive stems from an extremely com- 
plex legal case that began with an IRS indictment 


for back taxes on money he supposedly made from 
Hughes companies on mining deals. Meier claims he 
is innocent; the IRS claims to have a strong case 
t him. The press has rarely mentioned Meier's 


aga 
name in connection with Watergate and most accounts 
of him have discussed only his alleged crime. As a 
result, we were reluctant to believe him at first. But 
more than 100 hours of interviews with him and hun- 
dreds of documents obtained by rLAvnov during a 
year's research all point to one inescapable conclusion: 
On the subject of his role in events leading to Water- 
e, Meier is telling the truth, and his recall of detail 
rivals John Dean's. 

In a recent interview with us, Meier said, "Pm quit; 
convinced that one big reason for the break-in wasn't 
to get something on McGovern but to find out what I 
was telling the friends of Larry O'Brien [the Dem- 
ocratic national chairman] about Richard and Don 
Nixon and Hughes, to see if anything was going 
to break before the election. They knew the Nixons 
were Hughes’s greatest asset in getting his purchase of 
Air West airlines approved and that Hughes was 
fronting for the CIA; they knew I was talking to 
left-wingers, Democrats, McGovern people—people 
who scared the hell out of the agency and the White 
House.” 

Meier, at 42, is an intense, often obsessive man. 
He kept a meticulous diary of his Hughes years. Every 
phone call on Hughes's behalf, every flight number, 
every meeting is noted neatly in ballpoint pen in one 
of a dozen leather-bound “executive planners.” Опе 
of his reasons for keeping these records was that the 
meetings, calls and flights involved Meier's dealings 
with some of the world’s richest and most powerful 
men. He was, for example, Hughes's liaison to another 
reclusive billionaire, D. К. Ludwig. In Meier's six 
filing cabinets are hundreds of handwriuen memos to 
and from Hughes, as well as internal White House 
memos, letters from various Government officials and 
political lobbyists and numerous in-house reports 
prepared for Hughes. 

These documents and Meier's own accounts pro- 
vided the key to the bits and pieces of information 
that are buried in the mass of publicly available 
information generated by (continued on page 82) 


TN YOUR - 
E 

\ WA 3 > 

ee ^ \ A 
* i d 


d ss 


n 


all right, boys, out with the irons: this bunny—unlike others—can be 
pressed onto your favorite t-shirt (now turn the page for iron setting) 


Make sure your T-shirt is 50 percent cotton 
and 50 percent polyester. Most other fabrics 
won't hold the inks as well after washing. For 
the same reason, it’s not cdviscble to iron the 
decal directly onto your chest. Cut out the 
Rabbit decal and put it aside for the moment. 


Place a protective piece of cloth aver 
the ironing-baard cover. (The ironing Басі 
caver shauld be cavering the ironing board.) 
Slip the T-shirt over the end of the board sa that 
the place you want the design to appear is 
directly over the protective cloth. Do not, under 
апу circumstances, iran on the decal while 
wearing the T-shirt. 


Now place the Rabbit decal face down an the 
area af the T-shirt you wish ta use. Place a 
clean piece of white paper aver the entire inked 
surface. Preheat yaur iron to a temperature of 
350 degrees. This is done by turning the knob 
to linen setting, nat by putting your iron in 

the суеп. 


Apply your dry, hot iran (make sure you 
plugged it in, dummy) with firm, even pressure 
over the entire decal surface for 30 seconds 
(Be sure to get the entire decal—the ears are 
‘easy ta miss.) If yau smell something burning, 
apen the windaw. Remove the top sheet сЁ 
paper and allaw the design to cool far atleast 
опе minute before you peel the paper backing. 
Your PLAYBOY T-shirt is naw ready ta wear! 


One last note: You can wash and dry your 
PLAYBOY T-shirt as you would any permanent- 
press item; just don't use chlorine bleach. On 
secand thought, why don’t yau just get your 
girlfriend to take care of this whole rigmarole 
while you relox and have a beer? 


“Was it good for all of you, too?” 


PLAYBOY 


82 


THE PUPPETMASTERS 


Watergate—either in news reports or in 
court proceedings, in affidavits or in the 
transcript of the Watergate hearings. The 
picture that emerges shows the Hughes 
organization inextricably entangled їп 
American politics, inside the White House 
and ош. It shows the gradual merger of 
the Hughes organization and the CLA to 
such a point that it is difficult to deter- 
mine where one ends and the other begins. 

Alter Meier was indicted on August 9, 
1973, he sought immunity in exchange 
for his story. He offered his testimony to 
the Watergate committee and was inter- 
viewed for 13 hours on October 13 and 
22 of that year so that investigators could 
decide whether or not to take his testi 


mony officially. According to the tran- 
script of those sessions, Meicr asked 
Watergate inyestigators, “Why not put 
the cards on the table about Hughes, 


shell-shocked from the IRS 
I told you that [John] Ehrlichman had me 
bugged and put the IRS on me. I don't 
have the organization behind me the 
President has or the money Hughes has. 
I'm fighting for my life and my family." 

Mciers name is scattered throughout 
the Senate. Watergate report, but he was 
never called to testify. His story seemed 
confusing and contradictory to investiga- 
tors and they decided against granting 
him immunity. But the fact remains that 
most of the major targets of the investiga- 
had significant ties to Hughes: 

+ Auomey General John Mitchell, over- 
ruling a prior decision of the Antitrust 
Division, had given Hughes permission to 
buy more than the five os he already 
owned in Las Vegas. 

+ E. Howard Hunt worked for Robert 
Е. Bennett, who had the Hughes public- 
relations account in Washington. In Feb- 
ruary 1972, Hunt and С. Gordon Liddy 
had discussed with Hughes security chief 
Ralph Winte a plan to burglarize the 
offices of Las Vegas Sun publisher Hank 
Greenspu 

+ Nixon's confidant Bebe Rebozo was 
the bag man for Hughes's now famous 
$100,000 contribution to Ni: 

* Charles Colson had encouraged the 
White House to cultivate Bennett's friend- 
ship be e of the financial and polii 
cal dout Bennett's Hughes connection 
carried. 

Meier tried to convince the Watergate 
investigators that he could prove himself 
a valuable witness. “I want to prove my 
statements to you,” he told them, “I don't 
want to say it’s my feeling Richard Nixon 


on. 


(continued from page 76) 


has money in the Bahamas.? 1 want to say 
this is why, this is what 1 was told and this 
is who told me. These are serious charges. 
І don't want to talk in general, without 
having to prove what I'm saying. 

At that point, Watergate investigator 
Scott Armstrong—who later worked on 
The Final Days with Bob Woodward and 
Сан Bernstein—explained to Mei 
are not conducting an investigation of 
Summa [Hughes's holding company] or of 
Hughes. We are conducting an investiga- 
tion of the 1972 campaign.” That was, in 
fact, the Senate committee's mandate, but 
clearly, those were impossible ground 
rules, rather like investigating cancer over 
the telephone. 


‘The relationship between Hughes and 
Nixon росу back at lcast to 1956. That 
year, Hughes lent Donald Nixon $205,000 
to save a failing restaurant business. For 
ing money in exchange for 
potential political fayors was not unusual. 
ht after that loan- a coincidence 
vestigators have been suspicious of 
for years—while Nixon was Vice-Presi- 
dent, the Hughes Medical Institute was 
suddenly granted a tax-exempt status after 
prior refusals by the IRS. The loan to 
Donald was kept sceret for obvious rea- 
sons. But four years later, one week before 
the 1960 Kennedy-Nixon clection, colum- 
nist Drew Pearson got the story and 
printed it. The press flashed it across the 
country and to this day, Nixon and his 
friends believe it was the news of that 
loan that was partly responsible for his 
defeat by Kennedy. 

In 1962, Nixon was running for gov- 
enor of California. The loan again be- 
came a campaign issuc and Nixon was 
called on to explain it publicly. Again 
he lost the race. Later, Rebozo's attorney. 
William Frates, was to say that Rebozo 
felt the story “had materially affected the 
outcome of the 1960 Presidential election 
and the 1962 governor's race in Cali- 
fornia.” So not once but twice Nixon's 
relationship with Hughes was connected, 
Jeast in his mind and the minds of his 
friends, with agonizing political setbacks. 

In 1968, Nixon was again running for 
President. Hughes had moved into his 
penthouse suite at Las Vegas’ Desert Inn 


2 The reference is to fugitive financier 
Robert Vesco, who successfully swindled 
at least $224,000,000 from а company 
named Investors Overseas Services, then 
moved to the Bahamas for a while. Two 
hundred thousand dollars he later secretly 
contributed to Nixon's 1972 campaign 
was used in part to finance the Water- 
gate break 


(known locally as the Р.І). Meier's files 
are jammed with photocopies of memos 
from that period, all of which had been 
handwritten with а ballpoint pen on 
lined yellow legal pads. Hughes didn't 
mince words when directing his execu- 
tives to achieve his goals for him. In 
reference to political contributions that 
year, for example, he wrote to Robert 
Maheu, manager of the Hughes-Nevada 
Operations: “I want you to go see Nixon 
as my special confidential emissary. I 
feel there is a really valid possibility of 
a Republican victory this year. If that 
could be realized under our sponsorship 
and supervision every inch of the way, 
then we would be ready to follow with 
[Paul] Laxalt [Nevada's governor at the 
time] as our next candidate.” 

Frank statements like that, as well as 
court documents from lawsuits against 
Hughes, show that he desperately wanted 
four things at that time and was pre- 
pared to devote enormous resources to 


getting the 


wanted to purchase an airline. 
He had been forced out of ownership of 
wiation had always been his 
ir West was for sale and he 
ed to buy it. 
ted to expand his Las Vegas 
re. He had bought five hotel-casinos 
and the Justice Department had ruled he 
could make no morc purchases without 
violating its antitrust guidelines. Hughes's 
attitude was that Justice could go to hell. 
4. With a fury that bordered on the 
pathological (see A Hughes Vignette on 
page 182), he wanted the Atomic Energy 
Commission to stop underground nuclear 
testing, which caused ће D.I. to sway back 
and forth a few inches, 


THE PURCHASE OF NIXON 


first love. 


1 can make or break anybody. 

—HOWARD HUGHES 
The last three problems could bc 
solved much more easily if the first goal 
were accomplished. Maheu had initially 
convinced Hughes that Hubert Н. Hum- 
phrey could take care of the AEC. Hughes 
wrote to Maheu in carly 1968, “There is 
one man who can accomplish our objec- 
tive through [Lyndon] Johnson—and that 
man is HHH. Why don't we get word to 
basis of secrecy that is really, 


really reliable that we will give him imme- 
diately full, unlimited support for his 
ign to enter the White House if 


camp 
he will just take this onc on for us?” 
It turned out that Humphrey 
altogether willing to go along with 
Hughes's plan. He wanted technical 
(continued on page 112) 


A HIGHLY PERSONAL PORTFOLIO BY A WORLD-RENOWNED 
PHOTOGRAPHER WITH A TASTE FOR THE BIZARRE 


NEWTON'S PHYSIQUES 


ШЇ 


| 
| 


Ш 


PEOPLE WHO HAVE had close brushes with death often “It is difficult to find new ideas for erotic photogrophy. 
report that their whole lives pass before them. When Most poses are ritual, classic One hand on the breast. 
that happened to fashion photographer Helmut New- Опе hand between the legs. The behind in the air. There 
ton after suffering a coronary thrombosis, he saw the is nothing surprising, hardly anything to lough at in 
nude bodies of beautiful women. Upon recovery, he such pictures. | try to invent pictures that are different. 
changed his style to focus his lens on the erotic. His This photo was shot in the office of the Fashion Editor 
work has been called vulgar, exciting, elegant, deca- оЁ плүвоү in New York. 1 am foscinoted by Venetian 
dent. A single Newton pictorial in Vogue will spark blinds. Through slats, the world looks funny. 

gossip: Whose hand was it under that dress? But let t. There are people in the building opposite. 
the master explain his approach in his own words: Working. Perhops the wotcher is being watched.” 


"These photographs are part of a series based on a story “The ideo of o woman's reveoling herself before 
I read when | was 14: Fräulein Else, by Arthur Schnitzler. The strongers із on oudocious one; the reality is 
heroine was a young girl of 19. In order to ove even more disturbing. We photographed the girl 
her fother from bankruptcy, she agreed to meet с mon ot оп the Champs Elysées, on the Métro and then 
o hotel, weoring just a fur coat. Naked underneath.” іп a hotel. Witnesses to the event were dozed.” 


“Offices. Subways. Parks. Hatel roams. 
Swimming pools. Gymnasiums. І am 
always on the lookout for places to 
take photographs. The erotic is waiting 

everywhere, if you look for it. These pi 

tures were taken at a health spa 
Europe, а place where women go ta 
moke themselves beautiful. The tech- 
niques they use ta moke themselves 
sexy are themselves sexy.” 


Б 
© 


“| like to create erotic climotes 

wherein every object hos a sexuol 

connotation. | study what is in 
front of me. Perhaps | start 

a simple dress, then drop one 

shoulder. In this photogroph, 

the car is a black Citroén DS, 

the type driven by the monoge- 

rial class in France. The news- 

paper on the seat is Le Monde, 

the journal of the intellectual 

establishment. The man is dressed 

in a conservative blue pinstripe 

suit. He is wearing a Cartier 

ist watch, The car is parked 

the Bois de Boulogne. It is 


take the woman home. The risk of 
discovery makes the sex exciting. 
Risk is synonymous with sex.” 
For sex ond excitement with- 
out risk, we recommend 
White Women, a book of 
Newton's astonishing photo- 
graphs being published 

this fall by Stone 


or 
Lonesome No More! 


the strange memoirs of the 
final american president 


from the new novel 


By KURT VONNEGUT, JR. 
CHAPTER 1 


то WHOM it may concern: 

Ir is springtime. Tt is late afternoon. 

Smoke from a cooking fire on the ter- 
razzo floor of the lobby of the Empire 
State Building on the Island of Death 
floats out over the ailanthus jungle which 
34th Street has become. 

"The pavement on the floor of the jun- 
gle is all cinkum-crankum—heaved this 
way and that by frost heaves and roots. 

There is а small clearing in the jungle. 
A blue-eyed, lantern-jawed old white man, 
who is over two meters tall and 100 years 
old, sits in the dearing on what was once 
the back seat of a taxicab. 

Tam that man. 

My name is Dr. Wilbur Daffodil-I1 
Swain. 


I am barefoot. I wear a purple toga 
made from draperies found in the ruins 
of the Americana Hotel. 

I am a former President of the United 
States of. America. I was the final Presi- 
dent, the tallest President and the only 
one e 10 have been divorced while 
occupying the White House. 

Т inhabit the first floor of the Empire 
State Building with my 16-year-old grand 
daughter, who is Melody Oriole2 von 
Peterswald, and with her lover, Isadore 
Raspberry-19 Cohen. The three of us 
have the building all to ourselves. 

Our nearest neighbor is one and one 
half kilometers away. 

I have just heard one of her roosters 
crow. 


Our nearest neighbor is Vera Chip- 
munk5 Zappa. a woman who loves life 
and is better at it than anyone I ever 


COPYRIGHT © 1976 BY KURT VONNEGUT, JF 


PLAYBOY 


knew. She is strong and warmhearted 
and hard-working farmer in her early 
60s. She is built like а fireplug. She has 
slaves whom she treats very well. And she 
and the slaves raise cattle and pigs and 
chickens and goats and corn and wheat 
and vegetables and fruits and grapes 
along the shores of the East River. 

They have built a windmill for grind- 
ing grain, and a still for making brandy, 
and a smokehouse—and on and on. 

"Vera," I told her the other day, “if 
you would only write us a new Declara- 
tion of Independence, you would be the 
"Thomas Jefferson of modern times.” 


I write this book on the stationery of 
the Continental Driving School, three 
boxes of which Melody and Isadore 
found in a closet on the 64th floor of our 
home. They also found a gross of ball- 
point pens. 

Visitors from the mainland are rare. 
The bridges are down, ‘The tunnels are 
crushed. And boats will not come near 
us, for fear of the plague peculiar to this 
island, which is called the Green Death. 

And it is that plague which has earned 
Manhattan the sobriquet the Island of 
Death. 

Hi ho. 

It is a thing I often say these days: “Hi 
ho.” It is a kind of senile hiccup. 1 have 
lived too long. 

Hi ho. 

"The gravity is very light today. I have 
an erection as a result of that. All males 
have erections on days like this. They аге 
automatic consequences of near weight- 
lessness. They have little to do with erot- 
icism in most cases and mothing to do 
with it in the life of a man my age. They 
are hydraulic experiences—the result of 
confused plumbing and little more. 

Hi ho. 

"The gravity is so light today that I feel 
as though I might scamper to the top of 
the Empire State Building with a man- 
hole cover and fling it into New Jersey. 

That would surely be an improvement 
on George Washington's sailing a silver 
dollar across the Rappahannock. And yet 
some people insist that there is no such 


thing as progress. 


And who will read all this? God knows. 
Not Melody and Isadore, surely. Like 
all the other young people on the island, 
they can neither read nor write. 

They have no curiosity about the hu- 
man past nor about what life may be like 
on the mainland. 

As far as they are concerned, the most 
glorious accomplishment of the people 
who inhabited this island so teemingly 


was to die, so we could have it all to 
ourselves. 

I asked them the other evening to 
name the three most important human 
beings in history. They protested that 
the question made no sense to them. 

I insisted that they put their heads to- 
gether anyway and give me some sort of 
answer, which they did. They were very 
sulky about the exercise. It was painful 
to them, 

"They finally came up with an answer. 
Melody does most of the talking for 
them, and this is what she said in all 
seriousness: "You, and Jesus Christ, and 
Santa Claus." 

Hi ho. 


CHAPTER 2 
And I really will try to stop writing 
“Hi ho" all the time. 
Hi ho. 


I was born right here in New York 
City. I was not then a Daffodil. I was 
christened Wilbur Rockefeller Swain. 

I was not alone, moreover. I had a di- 
zygotic twin, a female. She was named 
Eliza Mellon Swain. 

We were christened in a hospital rath- 
er than in a church, and we were not 
surrounded by relatives and our parents" 
friends. The thing was: Eliza and I were 
so ugly that our parents were ashamed. 

We were monsters, and we were not 
expected to live very long. We had six 
fingers on each little hand and six toes 
on cach little footsic. We had supernu- 
merary nipples as well—two of them 
apiece. 

We were not Mongolian idiots, al- 
though we had the coarse black hair typ- 
ical of Mongoloids. We were something 
new. We were Neanderthaloids. We had 
the features of adult, fossil human beings 
even in infancy massive brow ridges, 
sloping foreheads and steamshovel jaws. 

We were supposed to have no intelli- 
gence and to die before we were 14. 

But I am still alive and kicking, thank 
you. And Eliza would be, too, I'm cer- 
tain, if she had not been Killed at the age 
of 50—in an avalanche on the outskirts 
of the Chinese colony on the planet 
Mars. 

Hi ho. 


Our parents were two silly and pretty 
and very young people named Caleb 
Mellon Swain and Letitia Vanderbilt 
Swain, nee Rockefeller. They were fabu- 
lously well to do and descended from 
Americans who had all but wrecked the 
planet with a form of Idiot's Delight— 
obsessively turning money into power. 
and then power back into money, and 
then money back into power again. 

But Caleb and Letitia were harmless 
themselves. Father was very good at 


backgammon and soso at color photogra- 
phy, they say. Mother was active in the 
National Association for the Advance 
ment of Colored People. Neither worked. 
Neither was a college graduate, though 
both had tried. 

They wrote and spoke nicely. They 
adored each other. They were humble 
about having done so poorly in schools. 
"They were kind. 

And I cannot fault them for being 
shattered by having given birth to mon- 
sters. Anyone would have been shattered 
by giving birth to Eliz and me. 


Young Caleb and ‘Letitia were advised 
not to break their hearts and their 
furniture by attempting to raise Eliza 
and me in Turtle Bay. We were no more 
true relatives of theirs, their advisors 
said, than baby crocodiles. 

Caleb and Letitia’s response was hu- 
mane. It was also expensive and Gothic 
in the extreme. Our parents did not hide 
us in a private hospital for cases such as 
ours. They entombed us instead in a 
spooky old mansion that they had in- 
herited—in the midst of 80 hectares of 
apple trees on a mountaintop, near the 
hamlet of Galen, Vermont. 

No one had lived de for 30 years. 


Carpenters and gessi ind plumb- 
ers were brought in to turn it into a sort 
of paradise for Eliza and me. Thick rub- 
ber padding was put under all the wall- 
to-wall carpets, so we would not hurt 
ourselves in case we fell Our dining 
room was lined with tile and there were 
drains in the floor, so we and the room 
could be hosed of after every meal. 

More important, perhaps, were two 
chain link fences that went up. They 
were topped with barbed wire. The first 
enclosed the orchard. The second sepa- 
rated the mansion from the prying eyes 
of the workmen who had to be let in 
through the first from time to time in 
order to look after the apple trees, 

Hi ho. 


A staff was recruited from the neigh- 
borhood. ‘There was 2 cook. There were 
two cleaning women and a cleaning 
man. There were two practical nurses, 
who fed us and dressed us and undressed 
us and bathed us. The one I remember 
best is Withers Witherspoon, a combina- 
tion guard, chauffeur and handy mai 

His mother was a Withers. His father 
was a Witherspoon. 

Yes, and these were simple country 
people, who, with the exception of With- 
ers Witherspoon, who had been a soldier, 
had never been outside Vermont. They 
had rarely ventured more than 16 kilo- 
meters from Galen, for that matter—and 

(continued on page 122) 


“I said nothing of stamping the grapes, Marie. 
I speak of the romance of wine making!” 


93 


what Бейег setting 

for award-winning drinks 

than a chicago newspapermen's 
hangout and five 

local talents who have all 
grabbed journalism's gold ring? 


PHOTOGRAPHEO AT RICCARDO'S BY ALEXAS UFBA 


jj чыш чш 


A 


А 


BILL MAULDIN ROGER EBERT 
Pulitzer Prize—Winning Cartoonist Pulitzer Prize—Winning Critic 
The Ambassador Fizz The Roger 


By EMANUEL GREENBERG stor: wno мил. at onc 
time or another have a go at every item on the menu, from Artichokes Clamart 
to Zampino, аге content with their usual martini, sour or whiskey on the rocks 
before cach one of these adventures. It doesn’t make sense. Not when there are 


TOM FITZPATRICK JOHN FISCHETTI RON POWERS 
Pulitzer Prize— Winning Reporter Pulitzer Prize—Winning Cartoonist Pulitzer Prize—Winning Critic 
The Teardrop The Stefania The Tak 


literally tho and taverns develop house specials. But the great spawn. 
10 choose—with new ones arriving regularly. L ground for innovative, intriguing concoctions is professio 
swell the pool with their drink promotions—hoping for another bartenders competitions. 


Harvey Wallbanger or Godfather. Occasionally, restaurants ‘The United States Bartenders’ (continued оп page 171) 95 


96 


behind the carnival is another world— 
and behind that is a rat-colored 
curtain—and behind that is rose, who 
can fire hard-boiled eggs out her. . . . 
well, look behind the curtain 


article By HARRY CREWS 


WOKE UP scraming and kicking, 
catching the ride boy in the ribs with 
the toe of my boot (which I had not 
bothered to take off), and when the 
toe of the boot struck him just below 
the armpit, he screamed, too, and 
that caused the lot lady he was rolled 
mE dn the blanket with to scream—and 
there the three of us were, thrashing about in 
my Dodge van, driven stark raving mad on a 
cash from Biphetamine 20s (a wonderfully 
deadly little capsule that, taken in sufficient 
quantities, will make you bigger than anybody 
you know for at least 96 hours running) and 
driven mad, too, by the screaming siren that 
woke us up to start with. It was the middle of 
the night—or, more accurately, the middle of 
the morning, about four Алм. апа the elec- 
tronic system set to catch burglars and tire 
thieves had tripped, but 1—addled and nine 
tenths stunned Irom too long on the road with 
а gambler, chasing carnivals across half a dozen 
states—-] didn't know it was my siren or that E 
was in my van or who 1 was with or why 1 was 
where I was. 

But as soon as E opened the side door and saw 
the black Ferris wheel and the tents standing 
outlined against the sky, I calmed down enough 
to get the keys out of my pocket. I couldn't find 
the right key to turn off the alarm, though, and 
all the while the siren was screaming and the 
ride boy, who was about 50 years old, had come 
out of the van naked from the waist down with 
his lot lady, who looked like she might have 
been 15, hanging on his back. 

"What the hell?” the ride boy kept shouting 
at me. "What the hell" 

"Alarm!" 1 kept shouting back. 


larm.” It 


was all I could get my mouth to say à 
with the keys. 

Lights were coming on in trailers all around 
us and out of the corner of my eye I saw the Fat 
Lady from the ten-in-one show standing beside 
the little wheeled box that her manager used 
to haul her from carnival to carnival behind 
his old Studebaker. She was so big that her back 
was at least a foot deep in fat. By the time I got 
the key in the switch and turned the alarm off, 
the Midget had appeared, along with several 
men who had apparently been gambling in the 
G-top. Unfortunately, the sheriff's deputy, red- 
faced and pissed off, had arrived, too. He pushed 
his flat-brimmed hat back on his head and 
looked at the van and then at the freaks from 
the ten-in-one show and then at me. 

“You want to take you driver's license out of 
you billfold and show it to me?” he said. 

"My what?" I said, 

"You want to git on back in there and put 
you britches on?" he said to the ride boy. The 
ride boy didn't move, but the lot lady, who was 
a local and in some danger, maybe, of being 
recognized by the cop, turned and got into the 
van. 

He had a flashlight on my license now and 
without looking up, he said, “You want to tell 
me how come you got that sircenz" 

“Look,” I said, pointing. "There's a goddamn 
air jack.” The sight of that jack slipped under 
the front end of my van made me mad enough 
to eat a rock. 

But the deputy sheriff refused to look. He 
said, "Only you fire, law-enforcement and you 
rescue veehicles allowed to have a sireen. 

The carny people had closed in around us 
now. The cop flashed his light once at them, but 


s 1 fought 


ILLUSTRATION BY KUNIO HAGIO. 


PLAYBOY 


98 


when the light fell upon the illustrated 
face of the Tattooed Man, he looked 
immediately back at the license. 

“You want to" 

But I cut him off and said that two 
months earlier some malevolent son of a 
bitch had jacked up my van and taken 
the wheels. I'd come out of the house 
one morning and found it up on concrete 
blocks. So I had the doors and hood 
h 
rigged to the d If anyone tried to 
jack it up, a siren went off. While I talked 
about the tilt switch and the rigged hood 
and doors, his face drew together on 
self. He had never heard of such a thing 
and it obviously upset him. 

“You want to come on down to the sta- 
tion with me?" he said. 

“But what for?” I was getting а little 
hysterical no What about the jack? 
What about the fucking jack?” 

He glanced briefly at Big Bertha where 
she loomed enormous in the slanting light 
from a trailer. “You want to watch you 
language in front of —" 

Hello, Jackson.” 

We all turned and there was Charlie 
Luck, sometimes called Chuck and some- 
times Luck and sometimes Chuckaluck 
and sometimes many other things. 

“This man here's got a sirecn, 
I think it might be illegal 

Charlie bit his lip and shook his head 
in disgust. "Has he still got that? I told 
you, boy, to git rid of that goddamn si- 
ren.” He had. of course, told me no such 
thi 


wired and had a mercury tilt s 


Charlie was beautiful in a brown suit 
and soft brown cap and squarc-tocd 
brown shoes. There was no flash to him 
at all. Everything he was wearing was 
very muted and very expensive. He came 
over and put his arm on the cop's shoul- 
der. “Officer Jackson," he s: just 
about the most pleasant voice you've 
ever heard, “could I talk to you over here 
Tor a moment?" 

They turned away from us and imme. 
diately Big Bertha was struggling up the 
steps into her little wheeled box. The 
ride boy got back into the van with 1 
Jot lady, mooning us all as he went. The 
trouble was over. Everybody knew every- 
thing was fine, now that Charlie Luck 
was here. I stood watching, admiring the 
nest, head-to-head talk he was having 
ith Officer Jackson, who was nodding 
now, agreeing for all he was worth with 
whatever Charlie Luck was saying. 

My feeling for Charlie Luck went far 
beyond admiration. I loved him. He was 
a hero. Some people have only one or 
two heroes; I have hundreds. Sometimes 
I meet six or seven heroes in a single 
day. Charlie Luck was a great man who 
just happened to be a gambler, in the 
same way that Bear Bryant is a great man 
who just happens to be a football coach. 


Bryant could have stumbled into a bro- 
kerage house when he was 20 and owned 
Wall Street by now. Instead, he hap 
pencd into football. Same with Charlie 
Luck. Somebody showed him a game 
when he was 16 and he never got over it. 
He became perfect of his kind. The per- 
fect carny. The perfect hustler. 

Charlie Luck has never registered for 
the draft. He's never paid any income 
tax. Officially, he does not exist. Or, said 
nother way, he exists in so many differ- 


ent forms, with so many different faces, 


that there is no way to contain him. He 
a place in Mississippi where he 
away for an automobile tag that 
is not registered. Н somebody takes his 
number, it can't be traced. And even if 
it could be traced, it would be traced to 
п alias. 

To my knowledge, Charlie Luck has 
six identities, complete with phony So- 
cial Security cards and driver's licenses, 
even passports. He has six and he's con- 
templating more. He's very imaginative 
with his life. With his past. Sometimes 
he's from Texas. Other days, from Maine. 
I sometimes wonder if he knows where 
he's from or who he is. He's probably 
forgotten. 

The sheriff's deputy turned and, with- 

out looking at me once, walked to his 
car. Charlie Luck came over to where I 
5. He watched mc for a moment, a lit 
mile showing broken teeth. 
‘A siren?” he said. “Well, what do you 
know about that? 1 heard the thing over 
in the Слор. Thought it was a fire truck. 
Thought maybe something was bu 
up. 

“What did you say to the cop?” 

He shrugged. “One thing and another. 
1 told him Td shut you down, take your 
siren away.” 
ou wouldn't do that.” 

“Of course not.” He pointed to the 
open door, where the ride boy was locked 
with the lot lady. His mouth suddenly 
looked like he tasted something rotten. 
"I told you about letting those things 
use your van. 

"She came up and he didn't have any- 
place. I couldn't think of a way to turn 
him down.” 

"You better start finding a way or 
you'll queer everything.” He started to 
walk away but then stopped. "Hang on 
to that jack. We'll send it into town 
sometime and sell it.” 

I got back into the 
to the snores of the ride boy 
cotton-candy wind-breakings of the lot 
lady. Charlie Luck was disappointed in 
me for letting the ride boy sleep in my 
van, because the workers, the guys who 
up and down the rides and operate them, 
are at the very bottom of a well-defined 
carny social structure. A lot lady is a car- 
nival groupie. She is given to indiscrim- 
inately balling the greasy wired men and 


ue 


boys who spend their lives half-buried in 
machinery. It was definitely uncool of me 
to associate with them. And inasmuch as 
I was traveling as Charlie Luck’s brother, 
it was even worse. 

Charlie had been reluctant—very re- 
luctant—to let me in with him to start 
with. But he owed me. Back in Novem- 
ber, 1 had managed to persuade a cowboy 
down in a place near Yechaw Junction, 
Florida, which is great cattle country and 
where they have one of the last great cow- 
boy bars, not to clean out one of Charlie 
Luck's ears with the heel of his boot. 
Charlie had been grateful ewer since. 
"That day in Florida, he bought me a 
beer after the cowboy left and we went 
to a back booth, where he watched me 
drink it and I iced him bleed. 

“Name's Floyd Titler,” he said. 
"Friends—and you definitely a friend— 
friends call me Short Arm.” 

“Нагу Crews is mine. 
hands across the table. 

“Son of a bitch nearly killed me," he 
said. dabbing at an eye that was rapidly 
closing with a handkerchief he'd just 
soaked in a draught. 

“I never saw anybody do that,” I said, 
ting to the handkerchief. 

“You just have to be careful none of 
the alcohol gets in your eyes. Otherwise, 
it’s great for the swelling.” 

1 finally got around to asking what he 

vas doing in Florida, because nobody i 
from Florida, and he said hc wintered 
down there and worked games in a car- 
nival up North in the summer. 

“You work hanky-panks or alibis or 
fal I said. 

He stopped with the handkerd 
“You with it?” he said, 

“A sort of firstof-May," I said. “I ran 
with a carnival a little about twenty 
years ago. 

То a carny, you are said to be “with 
it” if you have been on the road with a 
carnival for years and run your particular 
hustle well enough to be successful at it. 
They call anyone who's been with а 
carnival for only a short time a first-of- 
May. I wanted to talk to him about his 
game. He didn’t want to talk. Not about 
that. But it was easy enough to find out 
that he ran a flat joint, also called a flat 
store or sometimes a grind store or simply 
a flat. 

“Гуе seen most of them,” I said. 

"Good," he said. “That's good.” Не 
went back to working on his ey 

The more I talked with him, the more 
I wanted to get back with a carnival. I 
thought if 1 did it right, 1 might get 
him to let me travel with him some the 
following summer. But I made the mis- 
take of telling him I was a writer. 1 
suppose 1 would have had to tell him 
sooner or later, anyway. 

(continued on page 195) 


We shook 


“Well, yes, Holmes, I agree it is the perfect disguise, but, after all, 
that case has been closed for over six weeks now.” 


“QUITE FRANKLY, I don't really 
feel like a Playmate at all,” 
says Whitney Kaine. “I mean, 
Im not especially concerned 
with the glamor aspect of it, 
nor do I think of it as the high 
point of my carcer—but it 
an interesting detour for me. 
Whitney's major interest these 
days is—believe it or not—her 
schoolwork. She's currently a 
sophomore at UCLA, major- 
ing in art (with a little a 
thropology, French, dance and 
psychology thrown in for good 
measure), and she takes her 
education seriously “If I 
could, I'd continue going to 
school for the rest of my life," 
she says. Nonetheless, her ten- 
tative goal is to get a master-of- 


finearts degree at UCLA and 
then, perhaps, either teach art 
in an experimental school or 
freelance, although the idea of 
working as an art therapist 
intrigues her. In the mean- 
time, when she's not playing 
tennis (years ago, she was 
on a tournament circuit) or 


Although her course 
schedule at UCLA is a 
hectic one, Whitncy 
does occasionally get a 
chance to catch her 
breath between classes. 
She frequently uses 
those free moments to 
observe and sketch. 


OVERWHELMING UNDERGRAD 


an uninhibited portrait of university art student whitney Кате 


COLOR PHOTOGRAPHY BY PHILLIP DIXDN 
GATEFOLO PHOTOGRAPHY BY PHILLIP DIXON ANO GRANT EOWARDS. 


“I think society is screwed up, 
the system is screwed up. We're 
too concerned with achieving. 
re not really physical 
beings anymore. Just human robots.” 


«Ра describe myself as warm, sensitive 
and totally uninhibited, sexually 
speaking,” Whitney claims. “I'm 
willing to try anything. Sex on the 
beach, at night, really turns me on.” 


“I consider myself a 
rebel,” says Whitney. 
“T hate social scenes, 
fraternities and 
Sororities, ignorance, 
dishonesty, phoniness 
and the so-called 
inherent wisdom of 
my elders.” 


practicing the piano (mostly Bach and 
Mozart), she sketches tirelessly, attempt- 
ing to create her own style. Her only 
definite plan for the future is to take a 
senior year of study in Paris, to be largely 
funded by her modeling money. Aside 
from its financial advantages, her Play- 
mate modeling experience has been “re- 
freshing,” Whitney says. “Working with 
the photographers was fascinating to me, 
because, as an artist, I was really able to 
appreciate the creative elements of their 
craft,” she says. "In a way, posing for 
PLAYBOY has given me the chance to ex- 
press myself in a new medium." And if the 
medium is, indeed, the message, then we're 
reading Miss September loud and clear. 


“If I'm physically attracted to a 
man, I won't automatically 

have sex with him,” she says. “I 
have to talk to him first. If I find 

I can't relate to him, I'm turned off.” 


“I don’t particularly like the sexual- 
freedom-movement dictum: doing it 
whenever, wherever and with whomever 
you like. Sex isnot a game or an ego 

thing for me. It's a powerful form of 
expression that should be taken seriously.” 


PLAYBOY’S PARTY JOKES 


The model interrupted the painter to exclaim, 
“You're really quite an artist!" 

“Tell me what impresses you most" re- 
sponded the man with obvious satisfaction. 

“I like the swift, bold, self-assured strokes with 
which you work!" cooed the girl. 

“If you think this is good," exulted the 
painter, "just wait until I start your portrait!" 


We refuse to believe that а new line of bull 
sperm for use in animal husbandry will be 
called Elmer's Goo. 


Two members of the face-lift set ran into each 
other and one gushed, “Darling, it's been 
ages . . . and you look fabulous! You're so slim 
and trim! Tell me, what's your secret?” 

“I exercise, dear, to the point of treating my 
body as I treat my house.” replied the other 
woman. 

“I don't quite understand the comparison.” 
їз this way: I have a cleaningservice man 
who comes in three times a week.” 


As a survey has recently shown, 
When a husband is tactlessly prone 
To demand wifely thrills, 
In the contest of wills 
He may finish just holding his own. 


Maybe you've heard about the couple on the 
stalled elevator who got off between floors. 


Our Unabashed Dictionary defines I.U.D. as 
а womberang. 


Miss Armbruster,” said young Eddie during 
class, "what does it mean when it says ‘Robin 
Hood tore his leather’?" 
“Tore his leather’? I don't quite under- 
stand the question,” said Miss Armbruster. 
"Let me read you the whole passage,” 


con- 
tinued Eddie. “What it says here is this: Robin 
Hood tore his leather jerkin off.’ " 


An oilman had filed for divorce from his adul- 
terous wife. "On what grounds?” asked the 


of contract" replied the com- 


the judge, “уоп don't own 
were a piece of property. 

” said the man, “but 1 damn 
ге exclusive drilling 


Sex is one of the few businesses in which a 
man doesn't mind starting at the top and work- 
ing his way down. 


The egotistical young swinger was the bane of 
his family, because all he ever did was date girl 
after girl, claiming that none of them proved 
attractive enough to excite his matrimonial in- 
terest. One day, his grandmother took him aside 
and said, “You'll never get to marry, Tom, if 
you keep on being so vain and so fussy. Surface 
appearances are sometimes deceiving. You 
should try to see the beauty inside every girl 
you meet and take out.” 

“I do better than that, Grandma,” said Tom 
with a smile. "I try to put the beauty inside 
every girl I meet and take out!” 


Gripes a live-sex-show star, "It's perverse 
To the point where I mutter and curse! 
Does the public expect 
I can always erect 
When my co-star insists we rehearse?” 


What's the matter?" inquired the bartender of 
an obviously troubled customer. 

“It’s a terrible thing," grumbled the forlorn 
drinker in reply, “for а man to be arrested for 
indecent exposure and then released for insuffi- 


cient evidence.” 
(4 
a —. 
« 


27 


к, 


(1 


тео 


A 


Our Unabashed Dictionary defines 42D bra 
cups as tanks for the mammaries. 


When the sideshow human pretzel learned to 
his dismay that his bride was sexually distant, 
he turned to oral self-abuse. One night, though, 
he shed his reserve and bluntly asked his wife 
for a blow job. “Why don't you do it yourself?” 
she sneered. 

“I'm sorry, dear,” the contortionist replied, 
“but tonight I have a headache. 


Heard a funny one lately? Send it on a post- 
card, please, to Party Jokes Editor, PLAYBOY, 
Playboy Bldg., 919 N. Michigan Ave.. Chicago. 
I. 60611. $50 will be paid to the contributor 
whose card is selected. Jokes cannot be returned. 


“Alice, you're corrupting the morals of a juvenile delinquent!” 


111 


PLAYBOY 


112 


information—conclusive scientific proof 
that the tests were as harmful and danger- 
ous as Hughes claimed. Hughes had told 
Meier he didn't place much importance 
on the technical side—it was nice backup 
leverage, but he simply wanted, as he 
wrote, to “handle this just as if we were 
buying a hotel.” In other words, p 
for it was Hughess idea of a solution. 
That is perfectly acceptable in buyi 
hotel, but when a Government de 
turns on the deal, it is known as bribery: 

Hughes chose Nixon and bribed him. 
The $100,000 he gave Rebozo for Nixon 
was well reported during the Watergate 
investigation. At least another $150,000 
changed. hands in subsequent years, some 
through Robert Е. Bennett, who would 
later figure prominently in the Watergate 
айай. The New York Times reported on 
August 4, 1975, “Howard R. Hughes got 
his secret contact with the Central Intel- 
ligence Agency for the ship Glomar 
Explorer five wecks after making ап 


‘emergency’ of $100,000 
to President Nixons 1972 reelection 
campaign.” 


Meier daims to have discussed with 
Don Nixon possible Hughes contribu- 
tions of sums much larger than the 
$100,000. Nobody has ever proved the 
money changed hands, but there were con- 
versations in the summer ol 1968 
between Don, Meier, Rebozo and others 
t indicate that it was a definite possi 
Don wanted Reboro out of it. 
Rehoro wanted Meier and Don out of it. 
There were difficulties with the logistics, 
but the attitudes—the expectations and 
intentions—were clearly aimed at making 
the deal work, 

"The sum total of Hughes's favors and 
contributions may never be known, but 
his generosity was rewarded. In Apri 
on in the White House, 
nted to buy the Stardust and ойе 
casino-hotels, but the Justice Department 
drew up a complaint against the pro 
posed acquisitions. Hughes temporarily 
abandoned his plans, dropped back and 
regrouped for another attack. He hired 
Richard Danner in February 1969, just a 
few weeks after Nixon's inauguration. 
He was put in charge of the Frontier 
Hotel. But one reason for bringing him 
aboard was that he could act as go- 
between for Hughes and Nixon through 
Rebozo. Even Hughes couldn't just walk 
up to the White House and hand the 
at a bundle of cash. Danner was 
a friend of both Nixon and Rebozo, had 
been for 90 years and claimed he had 
introduced the two. 

According to D. 
Watergate testimony, $50,000 in $100 bills 
was removed from the sale at the Frontier. 


пет" executive-sessioi 


(continued from page 82) 


He gave the money to Rebozo to pass 
along to Nixon. (The cash was a cam- 
paign contribution, according to Danner.) 
Hughes returned to his plan for expan- 
sion, first sending Danner to see Attorney 
General Mitchell, who conferred with the 
head of the Antitrust Division, Richard 
McLaren, McLaren strongly objected to 
any more purchases by Hughes. Antitrust 
had already ruled on the case of the 
Stardust (Hughes's lawyers had already 
bulldozed through the purchase of the 
Landmark) and a turnaround would make 
the division look foolish. 

This wasn't cause for much concern in 
the Hughes or Maheu had 
written to Hughes as early as June 28, 
1968 (when the Democrats were still in 
power), that there would be no prob- 
lems. In a gleefully vicious memo, he 
forced what Hughes already knew 
bout the Government: 


You can bet your life that the 
Antitrust Division will live to regret 
their contemplated action. Yester- 
day they had “firsthand” evidence 
that we have many friends in Wash- 
on who truly believe in us. To- 

they have received many 
rics—including one from the 
y Commit- 
just the beginning. 
nator from Ne- 


Howard Gannon 
vada] called me this afternoon to 


inform me that he and Senator 
Bible [of Nevada] have been told all 
day long—by fellow Senators—that 
they can depend on full support and 
assistance in sustaining their posi 
tion that we obtain the Stardust, 
Cannon stated that Justice was se- 
verely ridiculed. . . . In the mean- 
time, I've been in touch with George 
Franklin [Las Vegas district attor- 
ney] and Governor Laxalt and. they 
are both ready 10 challenge the de- 
partment “singlehandedly.” 


Clearly, Hughes was at the zenith of 
his power. He could demand almost any- 
thing from the Government and expect 
to get it. 

The Philadelphia Inquirer reported 
on December 17, 1975, “The Justice 
Department a dramatic turnaround 
just three days before Nixon's 1969 
uguration agreed not to oppose Hughes's 
proposed acquisition of the Landmark, a 
Las Vegas hotel and casino. Only 28 days 
before, the same Justice Department had 
formed Hughes's attorneys . . . that the 
Government intended to oppose 
attempt by Hughes to a 
Landmark on the ground that such a 
move would violate the antitrust laws. 


On March 19, 1969, only two months 
after Nixon's inauguration, Danner met 
with Mitchell and was told that Hughes 
could buy more hotels. At the time, he 
wanted the Dunes. Mitchell said, “We see 
no problem.” Later, Danner gave another 
$50,000 campaign contribution to Re- 
bozo, this time in cash from the Silver 
Slipper casino. 

‘The acquisition of Air West was ac 
complished by an exchange of favors as 
well. Hughes told Meier just to keep 
Don and Richard Nixon happy and 
they'd get what they wanted as long as 
Hughes got Air West. It was agreed at 
the time that Hughes would hire Don in 
some executive capacity (though this 
never happened). Rebozo met with Maheu 
on Nixon's behalf and worked out a “deal 
with the President" (as Hughes put it to 
Meicr), whereby Hughes would stop his 
four-yearlong campaign against atomi 
testing if Nixon approved his purchase of 
Air We. It worked well for Hughes, 
because the AEC, under pressure, had 
already decided to move to Amchitks 
Alaska, and Hughes didn't so much care 
whether or not they exploded atomic 
bombs, he just didn't nt them set off 
near him. 

The Hughes empire wrapped itself 
so totally in the upper echelons of the 


inaugu: 
send his Nati 
Kissinger, to Las Vegas to negotiate w 
Hughes on the AEC problem, Nixon 
told Maheu that Ki 
meet Hughes perso 
not acceptable to Mr. Hughes, Kissinger 
would settle for a telephone call. Hughes 
refused. The White House was ad 
to deal with Maheu, The Presid 
ready regarded Hughes as a foreign gov- 
ernment of sorts—at least foreign enough 
to send his National Security Advisor to 
negotiate with the who Las 
Vegas. 

Clearly, Nixon hadn't been President 
long before he had a great deal to protect. 
Ihe Hughes Nixon relationship was so 
sensitive that the scope of it was even 
kept from people at high levels in the 
White House. And Nixon was going to 
some extraordinary lengths to protect 
himself. Photographs showing Meier with 
Donald Nixon and others at Orange 
County Airport in July 1969 were taken 
by the Secret Service and passed to Re- 
boro at the President's request. Rebozo 
supposed to contact Maheu to have 
ier fired or “kept out of things’ 

Meier was Hughes's liaison with Don 
Nixon, and the White House was under- 
andably anxious about this arrangement. 
Those close to the Nixons would always 
remember the disastrous Hughes loan to 

(continued on page 180) 


PATENTED SEX 


a kinky catalog of unusual gadgets registered at the patent office 
compiled by ANTHONY ASTRACHAN 


“THERE ONCE з 
known limeric 
concave and coi 
1 to clean. 
at limerick 
culture 


a man from Racin cording to a well- 
ho invented a fucking machine. Both 
vex, it would fit either sex, but oh, what a 


undoubtedly 2 key to understanding our 
arelessly omits an 
essential of American economics: Did the man from Racine 
patent his device? The Patent and Trademark Office has issued 
more than 3,900,000 patents since 1836—approximately 100 of 
these govern instruments that are to be used in connection with 
the genitals. The first was issued in 1887, followed by 44 more 


in the 72 years to 1959. Six were issued in 1964. The burst of 
activity was attributed to sunspots. The office has issued 4 
sexual patents in the past cight years. Last year, six were 
More are pending. We couldn't find one for the n 
but the ones we did find Y enough. 


"hey show the range of the Arve 
I nor its performance. Erector sets 


zo cs imagin: 
Breast developer 
ak n figure out how they work. The 
keyhole imple enough, but the one that looks like a 
car wash still has us puzzled. 


The Breost Developing Jocket (potent 3,500,832) 
wos a striking little number in the spring 
collection of Colifornic designer C. J. Nunnery. 
Essentially, it is a Mae West with fluid drive. 
According to the inventor, "The circulation of 
worm water around the breasts enlarges the 
arteries and yeins therein, by increasing bload 
circulation, ond also causes the storage of 

fot tissue in the heated area.” The jacket never 
achieved great populority, thaugh the 

costume department of Stor Trek did order о 
dozen, in assorted colors. The gadget shown 

at right is not something from a snake-bite kit. 
Dr. Оно Lederer of Vienna, Austria, received 
patent 1,225,341 for a device that suppasedly 
cures impotence: “A ring of elastic material 

is placed on the raor of the penis and a sleeve 
provided with a device for creating suction 

is arronged in connection with said ring. By 
creating о vacuum in the sleeve, the blood 

is compelled ta enter the [corpora covernosa], 
whereby an erection is produced.” A Hoover and 
a pair of vise grips would accomplish the some end. 


ILLUSTRATIONS BY BOB POST 


Golfers аге fomiliar with the 
so-called 19th-hole phenomenon. 
("Put а little hair around thot 
cup ond Ill sink this putt.” 
Herbert W. Sellwood borrowed 
the principle for this device 
(potent 2,632,266). Come home, 
fumble for the fuzz, slip in the key. 


How well does your main squeeze squeeze? In о no-holds-barred 
wrestling match, is her love muscle a match for yours? Ned Cole 
invented this intriguing-looking device (potent 3,726,273) to help 
your lover develop the tone of her vaginal muscles. The three 
bolls are filled with air; muscle contractions increase the air pressure, 
registering the strength of the clench at three locotions on separate 
dials. The folks at Stor Trek ordered a gross of these. 


For many years, it was thought that the Government would not issue patents for “lewd” devices. Peter Sobel, an inventive genius from 
Miami Beach, spent more thon $5000 ond three years developing the pleasure mochine pictured below. A dozen lawyers refused 

to handle his claim, but he eventually found an enlightened attorney and was granted patent 3,874,373. It’s not quite the fucking machine 
from ће man in Racine, but it’s close. A variable-speed motor comes equipped with different strokes for different folks. There's a gripping- 
type stroking tool, а rototing-type stroking tool, a clasping-type stroking tool, a limp-tongue-type stroking tool, a mechanical-jaws or 
plotypus-bill stroking tool. Now you know what to do with those chattering teeth you bought os a novelty item years ago, Sobel explains 
his devotion with the remark “1 have always been preoccupied with sex." Which isn’t a bad thing to be preoccupied with. 


The Patent Office does hove rules. To receive a patent, an invention 
must be useful. It must be new and nat obvious to a persan skilled in 

the ort. And the invention cannot be frivolous (the keyhole finder not- 
withstanding). That last rule has compelled most sexual Edisons to 

justify their devices on medical, psychological or sociolagical grounds. 
Lewis Twyman claimed that his body harness (patent 2,594,097) was 
intended for use promoting and maintaining compatibility in married life. 
“With the device attached to the female form, the marital companion 

ot the opprapriate time exerts pressure in the stirrup . . . and the bady of 
the female wearer is drawn downward and by the same pressure he is 
drawn upward ond firmly supported.” Marital accord is achieved by 
winning the fifth at Saratoga. A gentleman removes his spurs. 


The boys о! the Potent 
Office seem to agree on one 
thing: An erection is serious 
business. Anything that helps 
о poor soul get it up 
cannot be frivolous. Berish 
Strauch, Allan Bloomberg 
and Selwyn Z. Freed received 
patent 3,853,172 for the 
device at right. A rubber 
bulb cantaining fluid 

and a flexible tube are 
implanted in the scrotum 

‘ond in the penis. One squeeze М ~ 
of the bulb, and presto! St 
As for the object pictured 
below right, is it a bicycle 
pump? A demolition device? 
A jack? No. Freddie W. Sell 
called it (patent 2,B74,69B) 
the Erectar. Anxiety is the 
mother of invention. Next 
time you can't get it up, 

just pull out this “surgical 
appliance far the male 
organ which has manually 
aperated means praviding 
far the selective erection 
thereof. . . . The organ is 
placed wi the open end 
af the tube and the evacu- 
ation pump actuated by 
means of the handle, thus 
producing a partial vac- 
uum within the tube that 
causes оп erection. Fallow- 
ing this, the handle is octu- 
ated to discharge [onl 

elastic band onta the organ 
to thus maintain it in the 
erected position, following 
which the relief valve may 

be opened to admit air to the 
interior of the tube and thus 
permit it to be withdrawn.” 
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, 
your partner has finished 
War and Peace and is half- 
way through the collected 
works of Joseph Conrad. 

If you lose the instructions, 
what will you do? Most sex- 
olagists recommend more 
natural forms of suctian. 
Organic sex is best. Why not 
ask your friend for а 
helping head? 


the mood of academe’s occupants has changed 
and that applies to their clothes as well as their consciousness 


usado €uurgus 


run РӮ Right: It’s Не score in (left to right) a wool hooded 
attire By David Platt aur by Zero King, $175, knit pullover, about 


THE TIME 15 GONE for fighting— $55, and tweed slacks, $50, both by Arthur Richards 
or whatever—in the streets. Wi Sport, and plaid scarf, by Cisco, $10; and a 

are in the age of accountal wool hooded jacket and matching slacks, by Jupiter 
not to mention diminishing pros- of Paris, $115 the set, knit crew-neck, by Jantzen, 
pects for employment, and today's $23, and striped shirt, by John Henry, $18.50. 


Above: A field day at the track. The guy at left has 
оп a cowhide jacket, by Lakeland, $110, tweed 
slacks, by Jupiter of Paris, $35, knit pullover, by 
Career Club, about $20, and striped shirt, by 
Cavrage from Eagle, $21.50. His compadre likes a 
nylon windbreaker, by McGregor, $45, denim 
painter's jeans, by Wrangler, $10, knit pullover, by 
Jantzen, $25, cotton turtleneck, by Gant, $16, 

116 and sueded boots, by Dinga from Acme, $52. 


student doesn’t know what— 
if anything lies beyond those 
quadrangle walls. So he’s doing 
his level best to stay in. Which 
means hitting the books and gen- 
erally acting like a mensch. And 
today’s undergrads’ clothes quite 
naturally reflect this studious 
attitude. Theyre elegant in a tra- 
ditional way, not formal and cer- 
tainly not ostentatious. In other 
words, dressing down as opposed 
to dressing up—with traces of the 
old Ivy style, plus new options 
(flannel jackets with Western 
boots, for example). We like it. 


Right: Two undergrads pass Eques- 
trianship 1 in high style. Guy 
at left wears а patched split- 

cowhide vest, by H. D. Lee, about 
$60, corduroy jeans, by Wrangler, 
$11, knit turtleneck, by Pierre 
Cardin, $23, plaid flannel shirt, 
by John Henry, $20, and wool 
brimmed cap, by Kangal, $9. His 
buddy prefers a herringbone jack- 
et, by Arthur Richards, about 
$135, denim jeans, $15, and 
plaid flannel shirt, $16, both 

by Levi's, cable-knit pull- 

over, by Faded Glory, $25. (Her 
outfit is by Н. Kauffman & Sons 
Saddlery and Pulitz-Her.) 


118 


Opposite: These B.M.O.C.s circa 76 sport (left to 
right) a knit cardigan, $25, Dacron slacks, about 
$32.50, geometric.patterned ring-neck pullover, 
$25, fringed scarf, $B, oll by Gil Cohen for Boulet, 
plus a бога! shirt, by Von Heusen, $16.50; a Danegal 
tweed suit, by Europe Craft, $110, striped/ plaid 
shirt, by John Henry, $18.50, and silk tie, by Berkley 
Cravats, $12.50. (Her outfit is by Stanley Blacker.) 


Opposite, below: The fellow at left likes а 
hooded pullover, by Brittanio Sportswear, $25, worn 
over a cotton shirt, by Mad Man Shirts, about 

$17, and jeans, by Sedgefield, $18. His scholarly 
pal is in an Indian-patterned crew-neck, by Pendle- 
ton, $40, tweed slacks, by B. Jeffrey Madoff 

for Benje, abaut $40, plaid shirt, by Jahn Henry, 
$1B.50, and fringed scarf, by Handcraft, about $12. 


ATHLETIC 


wot 
SHOES AND BAG BY GUCCI 


SUNGLASSES EY IN FOCUS, LTD, 119 


120 


AADC LE 


` ERE TAY 


# 12,089 yy 4 


Jed up with your school’s rotten food for thought? 


article By ROBERT S. WIEDER 


А REMARKABLE ASPECT of consumerism is 
that it is one of the few recent social 
causes not largely manned by students. 
That college students do generally pay 
for an education may not say much for 
their wisdom, but it certainly qualifies 
them as consumers; indeed, abused con- 
sumers, who pay mighty tuitions and then 
hope the school will not abruptly elimi- 
nate their major, cancel required courses, 
make wholesale departures from the cata- 
log descriptions or stock the course with 
inept or unfit lecturers. In this perennial 
sellers’ market, the university has uni- 
laterally controlled everything from de- 
grec requirements to food. 

Now, however, students are going to 
court over such matters as course changes, 
fees and quality of teaching. And though 
no highlevel court has yet explicitly 
called the student a consumer, the trend 
in the Seventies has been to view educa- 
tion as a commodity; and in the legal 
waters, trends аге everything. 

The 1974 Family Education Rights and 
Privacy Act recognized the student's right 
to have access to his/her files, thus implic- 
ity accepting the student-consumer con- 
cept. Records are, ultimately, what the 
student is buying, and learning institu- 
tions that fool with, falsify or otherwise 
devalue that (concluded on page 174) 


SUE THE 
BASTARDS! 


PLAYBOY 


122 go to heave 


ص 
SLAP STICK S (continued from page 92)‏ 


y all related to onc 
skimos. 


they were necessa 
another, as inbred аз 


Yes, and it was easy for our parents to 
buy the fealty of these living fossils from 
the family past. They were given modest 
salaries that seemed enormous to them, 
ince the money-making lobes of their 
brains were so primitive. 

They were given pleasant apartments 
in the mansion and color-television sets. 
They were encouraged to eat like emper- 
ors, charging whatever they liked to our 
parents. They had very little work to do. 

Better still, they did not have to think 
much for themselves. They were placed 
under the command of a young general 
practitioner who lived in the hamlet, Dr. 
Stewart Rawlings Mott, who would look 
in on us every day. 

Dr. Mott was a Texan, incidentally, а 
melancholy and private young man. To 
this day, I do not know what induced 
n to move so far from his people and 
his birthplace—to practice medicine in 
an Eskimo settlement in Vermont. 


Yes, and there was an automatic spri 
Мег system in the mansion—and burglar 
alarms on the windows and doors 
skylights 

When we grew older and uglier, 
capable of breaking arms or tea 
heads off, a great gong was installed 
the kitchen. This was connected to cher- 
ryred push buttons in every room and 
at regular intervals down every corridor. 
The buttons glowed in the dark. 

А button was to be pushed only if 
Eliza or 1 began to toy with murder. 

Hi ho. 


CHAPTER 3 


and a phy ] 
oversee the refurbishing of the mansion 
for Eliza and me and the hiring of the 
servants and Dr. Mott. Mother remained 
here in Manhattan, in their town house 
Turtle Bay. Father wrote a graceful 
letter to Mother from Vermont, which 
I found in Mother's bedside table after 
she died. 

It may have been the whole of their 
correspondence by mail. 

My dearest Tish," he wrote. “Or 
children will be very happy here. We 
can be proud. Our architect can be 
proud. "The workmen can be proud. 

However short our children's lives 
may be, we will have given them the 
gifts of dignity and happiness. We have 
created a delightful asteroid for them, a 
little world with only one mansion on it 
and otherwise covered with apple trees. 

“And when Eliza and Wilbur die and 
at last," our father's letter 


went on, "we can lay them to rest among 
their Swain ancestors, in the private 
family cemetery out under the apple 
trees. 

Hi ho. 


Many of the tombstones in that ceme- 
tery had sunk out of sight or capsized. 
Weather had dimmed the epitaphs of 
those that still stood. 

But there was one tremendous monu- 
ment, with thick granite walls, a slate 
roof and great doors, that would clearly 
Jast past Judgment Day. It was the mau 
soleum of the founder of the family’s 
fortune and the builder of our mansion, 
Professor Elihu Roosevelt Sw; 

Professor Swain was by far the most 
intelligent of all our know icestors, 1 
would say—Rockefellers, Du Ponts, Mel- 
lons, Vanderbilts, Dodges and all. He 
took a degree from the Massachusetts In- 
stitute of Technology at the age of 18 
and went on to set up the department of 
civil engineering at Cornell University at. 
the age of 22. By that time, he already 
had several important patents on rail 
road bridges and safety devices, which 
alone would soon have made him a 
millionaire. 

But he was not content. So he created 
the Swain Bridge Company, which de. 
signed and supervised the construction 
road bridges on the en- 


He was a citizen. of the world. He 
spoke many languages and was the per- 
sonal friend of many heads of state. But 
when it came time to build a palace of 
his own, he placed it among his ignorant 
ancestors’ apple trees. 

And he was the only person who loved 
that barbarous pile until Eliza and I 
came along. We were so happy there! 

And Eliza and I shared a secret with 
Professor Swain, even though he had 
been dead for half a century. "Ehe servants 
did not know it. Our parents did not 
know it. And the workmen who refur- 
bished the place never suspected it, 
apparently, although they must have 
punched pipes and wires and heating 
ducts through all sorts of puzzling spaces. 

This was the secret: There was a man- 
sion concealed within the mansion. It 
could be entered through trap doors and 
sliding panels. It consisted of secret stair- 
cases and listening posts with peepholes, 
and secret passageways. There were tun- 
nels, too. 

It was actually possible for Eliza and 
me, for example, to vanish into a huge 
grandfather clock in the ballroom at the 


top of the northernmost tower and to 
emerge almost a kilometer away— 
through a trap door in the floor of the 
mausoleum of Professor Elihu Roosevelt 
Swain. 

We shared another secret with the pro- 
fessor, too—which we learned from going 
through some of his papers in the man- 
sion. His middle name hadn't actually 
been Roosevelt. He had given himself 
that middle name in order to seem more 
aristocratic when he enrolled as a student 
at MIT. 

His name on his baptismal certificate 
was Elihu Witherspoon Swain. 

It was from his example, 1 suppose, 
that Eliza and I got the idea, eventually, 
of giving simply everybody new middle 
names. 


CHAPTER 4 

When Professor Swain died, he was so 
fat that I do not see how he could have 
fitted into any of his secret passageways. 
They were very narrow. Eliza and I 
were able to fit into them, however, even 
when we were two meters tall— because 
the ceilings were so high. 

Yes, and Professor Swain dicd of his 
fatness in the mansion, at a dinner he 
gave in honor of Samuel Langhorne 
Clemens and Thomas Alva Edison. 

Those were the days. 

Eliza and 1 found the menu. It began 
with turtle soup. 


Our servants would tell one another 
now and then that the mansion was 
haunted. They heard sneezing and cack- 
ling in the walls, and the creaking of 
stairways where there were no stairways, 
and the opening and shutting of doors 
where there were no doors. 

Hi ho. 


It would be exciting for me to cry out, 
as a crazed old centenarian in the ruins 
of Manhattan, that Eliza and I were 
subjected to acts of. unspeakable cruelty 
in that spooky old house. But we may, in 
fact, have been the two happiest children 


that history has so far known. 

That ecstasy would not end until our 
15th year. 

Think of that. 


Yes, and when I became a pediatri 
cian, practicing rural medicine in the 
mansion where I was raised, I often told 
myself about this childish patient or that 
one, remembering my own childhood: 
This person has just arrived on this 
planet, knows nothing about it, has no 
standards by which to judge it. This per- 
son does not care what it becomes. It is 
cager to become absolutely anything it is 
supposed to be 

"That surely describes the state of mind 
of Eliza and me, when we were very 

(continued on page 160) 


courp rr JUST BE that Washington. 
our drab, monumental political capi- 
tal, is the true unsung girl capital of 


America? Even more than L.A., the | 


Big Apple or swinging Adanta? 

David Chan. our peripatetic 
PLAYBOY Staff Photographer who has 
photographed the girls of Chicago, 
Detroit, Los Angeles and New York, 
was amazed: Last winter, he received 
calls at his hotel from more than 900 
ladies of greater Washington who 
wanted to pose for our pictorial. “I've 
never seen anything like 
Chan. “I've photographed the girls of 
many cities, bur I've never had such a 
variety of really beautiful girls who 
wanted to be in the magazine. In other 
cities, the women might be actresses 
or (text continued оп page 175) 


WASHINGTON 


monuments, memorials, capitol 

and white house—if you think those | 
are the visual delights of d.c., 

you re either blind or crazy 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY DAVID CHAN 


Opening things up 
with typically Wash- 
ingtonian flair is 
Smokey Gray, an 
effervescent Virgin- 
ion who's in TV and 
radio commercials. 


Mavis Jane Cusick (inset) wos born їп Ger б 

many and schooled in Italy, Turkey and Bra- 

zil, graduating fram high school in Virginia. _ 
She's multilingual, as уси might expect. 


Here are three local products who have found their own 
niches in the professional ond sociol mosoic thot is Washington. 
Condace Kruse (top) is a barmoid with the expertise to hondle 
obnoxious customers. Koren Moe Fields (above), who's the daughter of 
‘on international financial consultant, is a hostess in 
she likes stronge plants almost as much as she disli 


people. She told us thot she’s loo! 
rear end and a crazy personality.” Our bather, Adele dePolo, 
works in a French café and reloxes by growing vegetobles 
in her yord. She loves D.C. ond it obviously agrees with her. 

F | 


Woshington, crossroads of 
the world: Raisa Scriabine 
(left) was born in Germany 
of Russian parents, studied ond 
taught at Cornell, went to 
Vietnam as о correspondent 
and is now a translator 

for the Interior Department. 
Whew! Marianne Sears 
(below left), D.C.-born, 
works оз о receptionist ond 
relaxes by embroidering ond 
playing pinball. Ko-ching! 


Danna Lee Hill (top lef) is a Hollywaod native (go Eost, young lady) wha works as а marketing rep and writes poetry, 

toa. An independent sart wha likes her men the same way, she gets off on doing offbeat things. Washingtan-born Rabin Sue Hayes 
(obave left) supports her six-yecr-ald daughter by tending bar (she doesn't let that stop her from having а good time). As for Kathleen 
Hobbs, shown adding a warm touch to the cold stone of the Lincoln Memorial: The daughter of a retired IRS official, she studied theater 
in college but wound up directing a marketing corporatian. As you see, she hasno reverence for politics. 


жу 


و ي 
"nmm‏ 
^" 
„ 
^" 


pd 


Grubbs (lefi), who's 
for a job as a flight 
t likes to flout 
i—and to attract 
е clearly does. 


‘Another émigrée їп Washingtan is Trina Dow (above), who was 
born їп England 22 years ago; she manages a boutique and goes 
riding ar skiing ta get away fram it. Cynthia Thrower, shown at the 
Jefferson Memorial (below), hes lived in Europe but was born in 
Milwaukee; she's a high-spirited actress/model who studied math at 
the University of Virginia (that adds up to a winning combination). 


AND NOW. 
DCS 
DYNAMIC 
DUO! 


town with wily women and 
powerful men and it’s a good bet 
that the two will get together. Repre- 
sentative Wayne Hays, long one of 
the most influential—and crustiest— 
members of the House, also has been 
among the most openly hedonistic. 
In Marshall Fradys August 19 
rLAYBOY article Chairman Skinjlint, 
Hays claims his greatest ambition 
is "to be 91 years old and shot at 
by a jealous husband." His admis- 
ion, last May, that he'd been making 
th Elizabeth Ray, after first t 
ng to deny it—and her charge that 
she was on his payroll to give him 
sex—rocked the House like nothing 
else had since October 1974. That was 
when Annabella Battistella, the Ar- 
gentine bombshell known as Fanne 
‚ jumped from the car of a 


V 

‘Tidal Basin. The tides washed 

nto celebrityhood—and Mills into 

a public storm that has left him 
chastened, sobered-up shadow of 

his former self. The score stands 

Women of Washington, two; House 

of Representatives, nothing. 


Fanne Foxe didn’t get Wilbur Mills. But she 
hos copitolized on the affair, with movies, 
а club act and o book (the PR hype: "She 
had the woys, he had the means . . - 

ond together they made the front pages”) 


Elizabeth Roy, who got 
her destiny (among other 
things) oll tongled up. 
with Wayne Hoys's, had 
already posed for vs 
(she said she was 
"staff director for a 
U. 5. Congressmon")— 
end begun her Dell book. 
The Washington Fringe 
Benefit—befare she 
made her story pub- 
lic. A native of North 
Carolina, о former stew- 
ardess, o former beauty 
queen ond o someti 
actress, Roy hos visited 
Hollywood, in search of 
a film согеег (she wos 
jiving Hays an Academy 
Award performance 
every week, she says). 
Chances are а return 
ticket to Californic is 
now in her future. 
Hays would probably 
recommend her for the 
female lead in any new 
cinema version of the 
story of Samson. 


PLAYBOY 


134 


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Ü 
p 
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B 
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ДИ? 


“Could we do it once in the missionary position— 
just for old times’ sake?” 


Ribald Classic 


the decil and 
the peasant wife 


from a traditional Polish tale 


LONG, LONG AGO, in the hills of Opoczno, 
in the land of Polonia, lived a peasant 
and his wife, tending their small piece 
of land. Every morning, Piotr and Basia 
would rise with the sun and begin work. 
One autumn day, Piotr set out with his 
sickle to begin harvesting. Down the long 
rows he went, cutting the tall stalks of 
grain and spreading them out to dry. 
Near the edge of the forest, he heard a 
noise in the tangle of bushes. “Who 
goes?" he called, for he knew all the 
people from the village. In a louder voice, 
he called, “Ниша! 

Out jumped a strange creature. Half- 
man, half-animal, halfclothed, half- 
naked—it danced about and waved a 
long spear. Its tail lashed viciously and 
Piotr drew back, dropping his sickle and 
wembling with fear. "I have come to 
claim my land! You and your horse and. 
anything else on it, you have trespassed 
long enough!" shouted the creature. 

When Piotr realized that it could talk, 
he drew a great breath. "This is my 
land," he said bravely, "from my father 
and grandfather. And before that, the 
szlachta, the golden gentry of the land.” 

5 the szlachta!” the creature 
You do not know the tale of 
ining with the Devil. Foolish szlach, 
to think they could outwit the Devil! 
And now, you will die!” With that, the 
Devil swung his spear wildly round his 
head and danced about Piotr. 
fully, Piotr began to jump this way 
and that, avoiding the spear and trying 
10 think of a way to stop the mad action 
d , Devil, this is not fair," he cried 
in desperation. "You have hooves and 
are as fleet as a horse; I have only clumsy 
boots. You have a tail to lash and sting; 
1 have ouly a short sickle. Since you are 
so powerful, you won't mind a compro- 
mise, will you 

The Devil burst into a roar of laughter 
that turned into а tongue of fire. "You 
think I am afraid?’ he bellowed. “Fair 
or not, I will win, so what did you have 
in mind: 

Quickly the peasant began to bargain 
for time, “Tomorrow I will fight you to 
he cried out. “But you must 


dress like me, with boots like mine, baggy 
trousers and jacket. Your horns must be 
covered with а hat and you must carry a 
sickle like mine.” 

‘The Devil threw his spear into the air 
and roared again. “Agreed! Tomorrow, 
then!” With that, he jumped into the 
tangle of bushes again. 

Long into the night, Basia and Piotr 
talked. “What shall I do? What shall I 
do?" moaned Piotr. 

Basia’s nimble fingers Hew over the 
piece of tough leather she was fashioning 
into a jacket for her husband. “Be brave; 
God will provide,” she comforted him. 
“And I will have this protector for you 
by morning.” 

At dawn, Piotr arose and made ready 
for the fearful day. With his newly 
sharpened sickle and thick vest of leath- 
er, he started for the fields. 

“I will pray to God all the while you 
are gone,” said Basia. 

‘The sun had not risen very far in the 
sky when the bushes at the edge of the 
forest began to shake, With a clap of 
thunder, the Devil jumped out, ready for 
the fight. In spite of his fear, Piotr 
laughed, for the Devil looked ridiculou: 
A wide-brimmed hat came down to hi 
eyes, a loose blouse and trousers were 
held in place by his tail, which 
ted at the end. The high, st 
boots were similar to Piotrs, clumsy on 
the feet of а new owner. Without a 
word, the Devil swung his short sickle 
and began to dance around Piotr. 

Blades flashed in the sum, dust rose 
from the ground, groans came Irom 
the two as they struggled and fell to the 
ground and rose again, trickles of blood 
seeping into the dry soil. Piotr began to 
tire as his shoulder wound widened. 
With a desperate lunge he slashed at the 


„Devil, but the blade fell short and came 


down between the Devil's legs and into 
the tattered trousers. The Devil let out 
howl and jumped up. Hopping around, 
surprised and hurt, he cried, “You 
wounded me!" Looking down, he discov- 
ered his trousers in shreds and his prick 
sliced off. Furiously he wrapped his tail 
between his legs to stop the bleeding and 


was) 


Special Bonus: This illustrotion 


irons on, too. 


ILLUSTRATION BY BRAD HOLLAND 


See instructions for Rabbit Press-On. 


roared at Piotr, “You wait; to- 
morrow I shall return and take 
care of you! Wait!” And with that, 
he darted into the forest as quickly 
as he had appeared. 

Shaken, bleeding and dazed, 
Piotr headed for home. 

While dressing his wounds, 
Basia heard the frightening story 
from Piotr. “What shall I do, 
what shall I do?" he moaned. 

Basia looked at him with deter- 
mination. "The Devil will not 
take our land. nor our horse, nor 
us! I will go to the fields tomorrow. 
Perhaps 1 can make а bargai 
with him. I will go and appeal 

Piotr only moaned louder and 
fell back onto his straw mattress. 
He knew what а 
people who tried to 
the Devil. But there wa 
ping her, and, the next morning, 
she dresscd in her husband's work 
clothes, pulled his hat over her 
thick braids and was gone. 

The grain had to be stacked; 
Basia had helped many times be- 
fore and it was nothing new for 
her. Through the warm day she 
worked, unable to eat or rest. And 
then what she feared happened. 
The forest shook with a clap of 
thunder. From the bushes jumped 
the Devil, once again in his full 
array of red cape, horns and 
hooves. “Ho, peasant,” he cried. 
“You have been working all day 
and getting tired while I have 
recuperated from my wound.” 

Basia stood in silent fear, for- 
getting her plan for bargaining 
As the Devil approached, she 
turned and ran for the wagon, but 
he jumped in front of her. "I will 
finish you off quickly,” he bel- 
lowed. "Just as you did mel" They 
wrestled to the ground, Basia 
scratching and biting, the Devil 
intent on tearing off her trousers. 
All at once, the trousers were on 
the ground. The Devil spread her 
legs and drew his sword. “Now 
you will know what it feels like to 
be without a prick.” Hc laughed 
He was ready to slash, when һе 
looked down and saw only a long 
slit from front to back. Hc 
dropped his sword in amazement. 
"Oh, poor peasant, your wound is 
worse than mine. You have noth- 
ing left!" With that, he jumped 
up, laughing. “I will let you live! I 
want you to spend the rest of your 
life like that. That is punishment 
enough!” In a cloud of dust, he 
disappeared into the forest 
whence he came and was mot 
heard from for many years. 


—Retold by Florence Clowes EB 


no stop- 


PLAYBOY'S PIGSKIN PREVIEW 


pre-season prognostications for the top college teams and players across the nation 


quarterback Mike Tryon as Nebraska, PLAYBOY's pick as the nation's number-one team, shuts out the Cyclanes 52-0 in last yeor's meeting. 


sports BY ANSON MOUNT 
^r STILL CAN'T believe the Irish weren't in the TOP 20 TEAMS 


national championship race last year. They 


weren't even in the top 90. Ir's disgusting, i. PREIS eatis à 11. Maryland. 9-2 
said the go-go advertising executive in the bar 2. Southern California 12. Florida ., 9-2 
car of the afternoon commuter train. “There's 3. Michigan 13. Ohia Stote . XP 
no excuse for it. They've got the players. They 4. Pittsburgh 5 14. Arkansas. . 8-3 
don't even have to recruit ‘em; every Catholic 5. Arizona State . 15. Oklahoma . 8-3 
high school in the country is a Notre Dame e IAS P рсн Ki 
farm club. They ought to fire what'shis ЖЕРДЕН 

2 hé: over at him. He's lik 8. Notre Dame . 18. Mississippi 9-2 
name the coach. 1 read about him. He's like EE РЕ i um 
Joe Bifsplk. He's got a cloud over his head and 10: Texan NA 20 Ceara $ 7-4 
everywhere he goes things get all fucked ир, 

like in Green Bay.” Possible Breakthroughs: UCLA (7-4); Oklahoma State (7—4); Miami, 


Ohio [10-1]; Boston College (8—3); Geargia Tech (7—4); Purdue (7-4); 
Minnesota (7-4); Arkansas State (10-1). 


Twenty-four hours and 100 expressway miles 
later, the golden dome and marble mosaic of 
Memorial Library rose out of the spring green 
of the Indiana (text continued on page 140) 


PLAYBOY'S 
1976 PREVIEW 
ALL-AMERICA 
OFFENSIVE 
TEAM 


q 


Тен to right, top to bottom: Bob Lingenfelter (70), linemon, Nebraska; Don Hasselbeck (89), tight end, Colorado; Joel Parrish (67), 
linemon, Georgia; Mike Vaughan (79), linemon, Oklahoma; Tom Osborne, Coach of the Year, Nebraska; Rob Lytle (41), runner, Michigan; 
Morvin Powell (76), linemon, Southern Col; Joe Roth (12), quorterback, California; Larry Seivers (89), receiver, Tennessee; Tony Dorsett 

138 (33), runner, Pittsburgh; Dan Beaver (3), kicker, Illinois; Ricky Bell (42), runner, Southern Cal; Leo Tierney (62), center, Georgia Tech. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY ALEXAS URBA 


PLAYBOY'S 
1976 PREVIEW 
ALL-AMERICA 
DEFENSIVE 
TEAM 


Left to right, lop to bottom: Ross Browner [89], lineman, Notre Dame; Bob Baumhower (91), lineman, Alobomo; Phillip Dokes (91), 
lineman, Oklahoma St.; Gary Green (43], defensive bock, Boylor; Stan Black (36), defensive Баск, Mississippi St.; Mike Fultz (72), line- 
man, Nebraska; Gory Jeter (79), lineman, Southern Cal; Kim Rowekamp (43), linebacker, Michigan St.; Robert Jackson (55), linebacker, 
Texas ARM; Brian Ruff (51), linebacker, The Citadel; Lester Hayes (82), defensive back, Texas A&M; Gavin Hedrick (46), punter, Wash. St. 


139 


PLAYBOY 


140 


THE ALL-AMERICA SQUAD 


(Listed in order of excellence at their positions, all have 
a good chance of moking someone's All-America teom) 


QUARTERBACKS: Nolon Cromwell (Kansas), Jim Kubacki (Harvard), Tony Dungy 
(Minnesoto), Vince Ferragamo (Nebraska), Steve Pisorkiewicr (Missouri), Jack 
Henderson (Oregon) 


RUNNING BACKS: Wendell Tyler (UCLA), Mike Voight (North Carolina), 
Courtney Snyder (Indianal, Earl Campbell {Texas), Ted Brown (North Corolina 
State), Jerry Eckwood (Arkansas), Terry Robiskie (Louisiano State), Rob Carpenter 
(Miami, Ohio), Walter Packer (Mississippi State) 


RECEIVERS: Mike Renfro (Texas Christian), John Jefferson (Arizona Statel, Tony 
Hill (Stanford), Ken MacAfee (Notre Dome), Wesley Walker (California) 


OFFENSIVE LINEMEN: Warren Bryant (Kentucky), Ernie Hughes (Notre Damel, 
leon White (Colorado), Val Belcher (Houston), Tom Brzoza (Pittsburgh), Ted 
Albrecht (Californiol, Dennis Swilley (Texas ABM), Mike Fagan (North Carolino 
State) 


CENTERS: Mark Conirell (North Carolina), Robbie Moore (Florida), Billy Bryan 
(Duke), Bob Rush (Memphis State) 


DEFENSIVE LINEMEN: Mike Butler (Kansas), Duncan McColl (Stanford), Eddie 
Edwerds (Miami, Florida), A. J. Duhe (Louisiana State), Joe Campbell (Maryland), 
Robin Cole (New Mexico) 

LINEBACKERS: Lucius Sanford (Georgia Tech, Calvin O'Neal (i 
Spani (Kansas State), Kurt Allerman (Penn State) 

DEFENSIVE BACKS: Martin Mitchell (Tulare), Bill Armstrong (Woke Forest), 
George Adzick (Minnesota), Luther Bradley (Notre Dame), Dave Butterfield 
(Nebraskal, Pete Shaw (Northwestern) 


KICKERS: Tom Skladany (Ohio State), David Posey (Florida), Neil O'Donoghue 
(Auburn), lee Pistor (Arizono), Joe Parker (Appalachian State) 


igan), Gary 


TOP NEWCOMERS 


(Incoming freshmen and transfers who will make it big) 


Houston MeTeor, running back :.......,....... тыл. ilori 
Mike Jolley, quarterback атн .. Georgia Tech 
Vegas Ferguson, running back ~. Notre Dame 
Willard Browner, running back . . -...Nofre Dame 
Ron Simpkins, linebacker - ٤ «Michigan 


Mark Brammer, tight end ET Michigan State 
Al Leake, defensive lineman 5 - -Indjana 


Steve Ulrich, running back . - -Northwestern 


Tim Travis, tight end F Alabama 
Scott Brantley, linebocker " TORUM E 
Preston Brown, running back . bee ...........Vanderbilt 
Marlin Van Horn, linebacker ес - Maryland 
Derrick Lewis, wide receiver 3 рше 
Mike Brewington, linebacker "s cs sess Fait Carolina 
Marty Crosby, quarterback . aiiai -The Citadel 
Mackel Harris, linebacker р с ......Georgia Tech 
Mork Lyles, fullback ............ Б „Florida State 
Ralph Kelly, linebacker ......... : 5 . -Arkansas State 
Wardell Johnson, running back ........ Kansas 
Curtis Dickey, running back ... Texas A&M 
Gary Blair, running beck n ......... Baylor 
Joe Walstad, defensive tackle . А . -Texas Tech 
Wesley Roberts, defensive tackle . sss sss Texas Christian 
Greg Gilchrist, running back .... ++ Oregon 


2... Техоз at El Paso 
. «New Mexico 
.. Long Beach Stote 
Son Diego State 
imla -Hawaii 


Keith Block, defensive lineman 
Chris Malmgren, middle guard 
Tim Cunningham, running bock 
David Turner, running back .-.. 
Nofa Tipoti, defensive lineman . 


countryside. We had gone to Notre Dame seck- 
ing answers and insights. We found them. 
‘Answer number one: Notre Dame is neither 
owned nor operated by the Catholic Church. A 
few years ago, the Holy Cross fathers signed 
over the ownership of the university, lock, 
stock and legend, to a national board of trus- 
tees (predominantly laymen). 
Answer number two: Noue Dame football 
still has an unparalleled national following, but 
the Catholic identity is fading. Nuns no longer 
teach fourth graders to pray for victory 


noticeable advantage in wooing the prime beef 


of parochi 
year's tr; 
(linebacker 


1 schools. Result: Nearly half of last 
ling squad were Protestants and one 
Marvin Russell) is an ordained 


the incoming freshma 
the upper 20 percent of their high school class, 
a statistic that even the Ivy schools would be 
hard pressed to better. 

Answer number four: In a recent survey of 
the academic credentials of N.F.L. players con- 
ducted by Cleveland sportswriter Hubert. 
Mizell, Notre Dame graduates far outstripped 
the products of all other schools. All 24 former 
Irish playing pro ball graduated with a degree 
(and Nowe Dame has no physical-education 
department to haven dummies). This score is 
most impressive when compared with that of 
other football citadels such as Ohio State (36 
percent of the N.F.L.’s former Buckeyes grad- 
uated), Texas (15/4 percent) and LSU (ten 
percent). 

Answer number five: Although nearly all 

j sities isolate their players 
ic dormitories, where they have their 
own dining hall, recreation room, movie the- 
ater and private tutors (making it possible for 
athletes to spend their entire college career 
without coming into more than cursory contact 
with other students). Notre Dame players live 
in the student dormitories, cat the same food in 
the same dining hall with other students and 
go to classes and labs like everyone else. The 
absence of an athletic dormitory, incidentally, 
is one of the Irish recruiters’ most effective 
sales tools. 

Insight: Dan Devine is the victim of his own 
personality traits—human qualities that in 
most professions other than coaching would 
seem admirable. Virtually all football coaches 
are wary, tense and guarded in the presence of 


а journalist. A great many have a cleaner-than- 
thou аггора a veneer of pious 
humility 


Devine, on the other hand, is a relaxed and 
friendly sort, with an openness that borders on. 

vetê. His countenance, even when smiling, 
seems to mirror accumulated pains and uncer- 
taintics. His normal desire for approval is 
evident rather than hidden behind a superjock 
bravado. He willingly discusses both his past 
mistakes and his personal virtues. 

You can imagine the consternation when 
such a man arrived in Green Bay a few 
years ago, when the ghost of Vince Lombardi 
hovered everywhere. (continued on page 146) 


HERE IT 15, noontime or thereabouts, and you've just skipped 
Physics 103 or postponed that important stockholders’ meeting 
or said the hell with the laundry to watch the latest heart- 
rending episode of Days of Our Lives. Will Amanda's tumor 
turn out to be malignant? Why is Maggie upset with Mike? Is 
Brooke really pregnant or did she swallow a football? Whatever 
happens, and rest assured something will, the fact of the matter 
is, America is slowly drowning in an ever-expanding vat of 
soapsuds. We have become a nation of armchair gossips. Nowa- 
days, to be a really with-it human person, it's de rigueur to be 


able to converse at length about the soapers. Who cares about 
détente or the fact that a nuclear war has just been determined 
inevitable by Pentagon experts when the really hot issue of the 
day is Hortense's proposed separation from Dr. Carl Putz? 
Whether or not you're a bona fide soap-opera enthusiast 
(and God help you at the next cocktail party if you're not), 
the following quiz was designed solely to test your soap-opera 
aptitude potential (SOAP). Which means, in other words, 
that you can score high even if you've never seen a soaper 
and low even if you're an addict, (continued on page 192) 


the first and only soap-opera quiz designed 
especially for people who don't watch them 


ILLUSTRATION BY JOHN YOUSS! 


bedfellows —strange, capital and otherwise 


humor By 


BENE d 


“Darling, I thought you were 
going to filibuster today.” 


“I think it’s marvelous the way уои сап relax 
right in the middle of a crisis.” 


“Quorum call! I'll finish up 5 “Well, you folks certainly know 
in here for you, Congressman!” how to handle a guest speaker!” 


143 


“Ah...er...youmust be the incumbent, right?” 


"She's the hardest-working lobbyist 
in the business.” 


“Don't tell me she's not electioneering!" 


144 “Thanks for the vote of confidence, dear, but I'll just have a martini and call it a day." 


“It's not what you think, dear— 
she's a bribe!” 


“Now, if we can keep this from the FBI and the CIA, we've got a good thing going." 


PLAYBOY 


PLAYBOY'S PIGSKIN PREVIEW 


Devine was a casualty of the Lombardi 
Jegend and its attendant hallowed truths, 
beliefs that have been the most destruc- 
nd dehumanizing influence in the 
y of sports: Winning is not just the 
most important thing, ils the only thing 
and Victory justifies any suffering, any 
sacrifice, anything it takes to win. The 
end, in short, justifies the means. 

But Devine doesn’t work that way. His 
personal qualities were, and sometimes 
arc, interpreted as weakness and 
ion. his ability to accept defeat grace- 
fully as the mark of a born loser. 

Mest ren ably, Devine shows no 
п of bitterness, though the jackals are 


sill after him with vengeance. When 
some ugly and obviously baseless rumors 
about him were circulated. last. fall (and 
were committed to print by a few vacuous 
sportswriters), Chicago Tribune sports 
columnist Dave Condon laboriously 
пасей them down. Taking circuitous 


routes through Washington and Pitts- 
burgh, they all led back to the tundra of 
northern Wisconsin. 

But Notre Dame isn't a Vince Lom- 
ardi kind of place. And Dan Devine 
will do quite well there. 


THE EAST 


INDEPENDENTS 


Fish 82 West irgria 3-8 
Penn Stale 9-2 Temple 

Bcston College 8-3 Villanova ty 
Syracuse 7-4 Colgate 8-2 
Rutgers 101 Ату 

Nay 4-7 Holy Cross 


IVY LEAGUE 


1-2 Cornell 
7-2 Dartmouth 
7-2 Columbia 
6-3 Princeton 


Harvard 
Yale 
Pennsylvania 
Brown 


TOP PLAYERS: Dorsett, Romano, Brzoza 
(Pittsburgh); R. Hostetler, Allerman, Peter- 
cuskie (Penn State) ‘Watts, Capriola 
(Boston College); King, Clarke, Jacobs (Syra- 
cuse); Toran, Fisher (Rutgers); Sepp, Good- 
win, Kurowski (Navy); Earley, Kendra (West 
Virginia); Klecko, Carey (Temple): iue 
nerdo, Thompson (Villanova); Murphy, An- 

drewlavage (Colgate); Hall (Army); Campbell 
(Holy Cross); Kubacki (Harvard); Pagliaro, 
i Graustein (Pennsylvania); 
Labeau (Cornell); Lucas 
Burns (Columbia), Schiller 


(Dartmouth); 
(Princeton), 


The future is now 
Panthers have evi 


Piusburgh. The 
tikes to 


make a run f ipion- 
ship, including 18 returning starters. 
With two-time rtayuoy All-America 


Tony Dorsett and Elliott Walker, the 
running game will be sensational. Quar- 
terback Robert Haygood, whose poten- 
tial hasn't yet been reached, will throw 
to a pair of superreceivers, Gordon Jones 


146 and Jim Corbett. We'll find out early 


(continued from page 140) 


just how good the Panthers are; they 
play Notre Dame on national television 
September 11. 

Nothing seems to change much 
Penn State. The Lions, always fearsome 
on defense, have been ranked among the 
ms in the country eight of the 
nine seasons. This year, though. 
ill play less conservatively than 
will have more big-play potentia 
and will be much more offense oriented. 
The Nittanies, rapped in past years for 
their weak opposition, are now playing 
tough schedules. Nevertheless, they have 
a good chance for an undefeated season 

Boston College needs only to find an 
adequate replacement for graduated pass- 
er Mike Kruczek to h anner se 
Joc O'Brien and Kenny Smith are the 
likeliest candidates, with Smith's superb 
throwing arm giving him the advantage. 
All five receivers return, as does runner 
Glen Саргіоја, whose presence seems 
to the Eagles; Last season they lost 
Il the games he missed. With a solid 
defense and unaccustomed depth, the 
Eagles could go to a major bowl. 

The lean years are ov 
Coach Frank Maloney hı 
terful job of rebuilding 
football program. It will still be 
a couple of years before the boys 
Syracuse can challenge other Eastern 
biggies, but they will probably perpe- 
trate a few upsets on unsuspecting oppo- 
nents this fall. Ihe team is loaded with 
good running backs, but two unimpres- 
sive sophomore passers, Bill Hurley and 
Pete Prather, will vie for the starting 
quarterback job. The defensive unit, 
led by hack Larry will be very 
strong. Great freshmen will provide help 
at some of the lean positions. 

Alarm signals are going up from. 
letic departments all over the East. 
Don't ignore Rutgers,” they "it 
for real" Indeed, with 18 starters re- 
turning from a team that blew the fuses 
on scoreboards last season, the Scarlet 
hts are true contenders with weak 
competition. The opening game with 
Navy will set the tone; if Rutgers wins 
that one, only Tulane will be a serious 
impediment to an undefeated season. 

Graduation was a major disaster for 
the Navy team. Returning are quarte 
back John Kurowski, runner Gerry 
Goodwin and peerless middle guard Гей 
Sapp, but very few others. The defense, 
last years strength, had to be totally 
restructured during spring practice. For- 
tunately, Kurowski, an improved passer, 
will hı fine group of receivers. 

It's going to be a rough first season for 
new West Virginia coach Fr 
Both lines and the running corps ме 
emasculated by graduation. J 
lege transfer runner Lee Dowell will 
help and wo suong quarterbacks, Dan 


top ten t 
past 


on. 


Kendra and Danny Williams, are avail- 
able. The schedule is a killer, too, so this 
will be a rebuilding year. 

ach Wayne Hardin apparently has 


brought Temple back into the big time 
to stay. The Owls get stronger cach 
vear—this being no exception—but the 


schedules get tougher. too. This will һе 
an experienced. team with Pat Carey, a 
much improved quarterback, and the de- 
fense, led by premier middle gi 
Klecko, will be stingier than ever. 
ji omed to ri 
defense, will have to do more sco 
year, because six of the front defenders 
have graduated. Coach Dick Bedesem has 
changed the sputtering veer offense to a 
wishbone. The sparkplug will be soph 
fullback Vince Thompson. 
Igate football, mired i 
for yea 
al of пе 


mediocrity 
, seems on the rise with the arriv- 
coach Fred Dunlap. He will 
install a wing-T offense, but he'll have to 
find a quarterback to run it. Note: For- 
mer coach Neil Wheelwright, who defect- 
ed 10 Holy Cross, will bring his Crusaders 
milton on October ninth for Col- 
tes home-coming festivities; that could 
be a real blood bath. 

It will be another lean year at West 
Point, though the prospects aren't as 
bleak as last year's. This i nature and 
able squad, the reserves are better and 
the offense has been redesigned to take 
advantage of the many talents of quar- 
terback Leamon Hall. 

New coach Neil Wheelw 
wishbone offense will undoubtedly bring 
improvement to Holy Cross fortunes, 
since it is unlikely the Crusaders could 
get any worse. The schedule, fortunately, 
is a bit easier than last year’s. 

Although the Ivy League race is alw 
wildly unpredictable (it’s great for the 
spectators but hard on the coaches), this 
year Harvard and Yale seem to have the 
ance at the tide. Harvard coach 
Joe Restic must replace the entire offen- 
sive line, but all the skilled position men 
return, including quarterback Jim Ku- 
backi, who Restic insists is the best in 
the county. Yale also has quarterback 
wealth, with Stone Phillips, Bob Rizzo 
and Pat O'Brien vying for the job. 

Pennsyl d, must find 
some offensive to protect an 
ustein, 
nd whom the entire attack will be 
It. With an improved defense, the 
Quak are the dark horse of the league. 

In each of the past three years, the 
sophomore class at Brown has been bet- 
ter than the preceding one, and the same 
appears to be true this time. If so, the 
Bruins will be one of the stronger teams 
п the Ivy League by season's end, de- 
spite the need to replace 13 departed 
starters. Paul Michalko is the likely re- 
placement for quarterback Bob Bateman. 


to 


linemen 
excellent quarterback, Bob С 


о 


The Cornell team will be much 
improved, mostly because of better 
familiarity with coach George Seifert’s 


01976 я 1 REYNOLDS TOBACCO СО. 


He is at home in a world 
few men ever see. 

A world where wisdom 
earns more respect than 
physical strength. 

He smokes for pleasure. 
He gets it from the blend 
of Turkish and Domestic 
tobaccos in Camel Filters. 

Do you? 


Turkish and 
Domestic Blend 


18 mg. "tar", 1.2 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette, FIC Report APR. 7B. 


Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined 
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. | 


PLAYBOY 


wing-T offense. The Crimson will be the 
most experienced squad in the Ivy 
League—an important consideration 
with no spring practice. Also, a highly 
touted transfer from Michigan, halfback 
Joey Holland, will give the ru 
attack new zip. 

Dartmouth also will have ап untested 
quarterback in southpaw Kevin Case. 
With no prom 
a running game featuring 
and Sam Coffey. The Big G 
overall talent, so don't count it out, 
despite the lack of big names. 

Columbia always seems to be rebuild- 
ing. With severe graduation losses, tli 
year is no exception. There isn't a quar- 
terback in camp with а minute's 
playing time, though Kevin Bu 
very promising. If he doesn’t work out, 
soph Cal Moffie will do the job. 

ion nearly wiped out the 
Princeton squad. Hardest hit were the 
skilled positions. The offense must be 
rebuilt, and finding an adequate quart 
back has bee jority in pre- 
оп drills. The defense will recuperate 
stest but must do a heroic holding job 
wil the young attackers get some 
experience. 


ning 


Last year, you'll recall, was going to 
be the year when a few of the per 
have-nots in the Big Ten would show 
enough new muscle to seriously challenge 
Ohio State Ы 


together, М е has both excel- 
lent material incentive of re 
venge and even lowly In is loaded 
with experienced depth. 

Still, this appears to be the year when 
higan won't be nosed out of the Rose 
Bowl in the final game with Ohio State. 
The Wolverine offense, manned largely 
Jast year by freshmen and sophomores, 
now two decp at most positions with 
proven players. Their point production 
will be spectacular. pLaynoy All-Ame 
Rob Lytle should become the leading 
rusher in Michigan history before the 
season is finished. The defenders are a 
bit thin up front and a middle guard 
must be found during August workouts, 
but any material shortcomings will be 
overcome by the qui coach Bo 
Schembechler builds into his teams. 


offensive s 
tion, so the Buckeyes will depend on a 


ters were taken by gradua- 


rock-ribbed defense and a super kicking 
game to hold off the enemy, Fullback 
Pete Johnson will still be on hand to 
bulldoze the ground yardage, but he'll 
be running behind a noticeably weaker 
line. But don't shed any tears just yet. 
Coach Woody Hayes has a long-standing 
record of unveiling sudden superstars 
just when he needs them the most, Не 


148 undoubtedly has an ample stockpile of 


brawn and sinew waiting to step in. 
Another plus is that he scems to have 
figured out a magic way to avoid injuries 
10 his key players. If he can do that. this 
year, the Bucks could be the same old 
juggernaut by the end of the season. 
Purdue coach Alex Aguse says that the 
only thing that kept his team out of the 
title race last year was an inexplicable se- 
єз of bad game breaks, aggravated by 
few costly mental lapses. "The whole 


THE MIDWEST 


BIG TEN 


10-1 Illinois 

8-3 Indiana 
Purdue. 7-4 Wisconsin 
Minnesota 7-4 Northwestern 
Michigan State 6-5 Пома 


MID-AMERICAN CONFERENCE 
Miami 10-1 Ohio 
Bowling Green 9-2 University 
Kent State 9-3 Northern 
Central Ilinois 

Michigan 8-3 Toledo 
Bail State 83 Western 
Michigan 


INDEPENDENTS 


92 Dayton 4-7 
6-5 Southern 
5-8 — Minis 38 


Michigan. 
Ohio State 


3-8 


Notre Dame 
Cincinnati 
Marshall 


TOP PLAYERS: Lytle, O'Neal, J. Smith, Mor- 
ton (Michigan); P. Johnson, Skladany, Ward 
(Ohio State); B. Smith, Beery, Dierking (Pur- 
due); Dungy, Morrow, Adzick (Minnesota); 
Rowekamp, Bethea, L. Jackson, (Michigan 
State); Beaver, Difeliciantonio (Illinois); 
Snyder, C. Smith (Indiana); Morgan, Matthews: 
Wisconsin}; Shaw, Boykin (Northwestern); 
Schick, Washington (lowa); Carpenter (Mi- 
ami); Saleet, Preston (Bowling Green); Best 
(Kent State); W. Hodges (Central Michigan); 
Yaroch (Ball State); Day (Ohio University); 
Palochko (Northern Illinois); Young (Tole- 
ү СШ) (Western Michigan); R. Brown- 

Fry, E. Hughes, Bradley, Slager, Mac- 
Mte (Notre Dane Jenkins, Woods (Cincin- 
nali); Filliez (Marshall); Dailey (Dayton); 
Herrera, Major (Southern Illinois). 


We worked our tails off in ше 
spring. is going to be our year,” 
says Agase in his best М 
Besides desire, the Во а 
the defensive platoon, which lost оп 
tackle Ken Novak to graduati 
replacement is supersoph Cl. 
burgh Crosby, a head-hunter type with 
the speed of a halfback. Crosby is typical 
of the new look at Purdue; for the first 
time in cons, the defensive line won't be 
dominated by behemoths but he 
aned by smaller, quicker and tougher 
types. H quarterback М 
consistent than a year 
will have a good shot 
title. 

M 


at the Big Ten 


ancsota looks like the dark horse of 
league. If the Gophers can play the 
re fall like they did the last half of 
the '75 season, it will be the best year in 


"Tony Dungy is the best quar- 
terback in the league, some good recciv- 
ers are on hand and several impressive 
freshman runners should help soph t 
back Kent Kitzmann perk up a pre- 
viously sad running attack. The defense, 
admirable last year, will be even beuer 
with the addition of two remarkable de- 
fensive linemen, Jim Ronan and Steve 
Tobin. Everybody on the Gopher squad 
is excited. If the breaks go right, it could 
be a big year in Minneapolis. 

Despite all the furor over Michigan 
States N.C.A.A. probation, the abrupt 
dismissal of coach Denny Stolz and the 
crash program in spring practice to in- 
stall new coach Darryl Rogers’ multiple 

¢, the Spartans aren't in as bad 
most people think. The squad is 
deep in experienced talent. The 
attack, Jast season's w 
ced up with new qu 
Smith and the running will be as good 
as ever. The main strength of the squad 
will be the defense, with PLAYBOY All- 
America linebacker Kim Roy mp. 

‘The defense will have to carry the load 
at Ilinois while coach Bob Blackman re 
builds the offensive platoon. The job 
will be made r by the return of 
quarterback. Kurt Steger and an impi 
sive assorunent of runners. The 
problem is the offensive 
though huge (avers 
pounds), is raw a 
ing game, PLAYBOY All- 
America ki will again 
һе опе of the best in the country. Beaver 
ts to become the Illi- 


э 


ppears to be the 
in the Big Ten, the 
s have a long way to go. Last 
year’s biggest handicap, an overall lack 
of speed and quickness, was largely due 
to the hesitancy of youth and inexperi- 
ence. Fifteen starters return, and ihe 
whole squad looked greatly i 
spring practice. The Hoosiers’ 
will be tet of excellent т 


g tackles 


ady holds virt idiana's 
rush . Also on hand are two 
у types. Ric Enis and ў 
Tony Suggs, three top-caliber 
terbacks and a much improved re 
T corps (last year's fastest receiver, 
Keith Calvin, will be this year's slowest). 
Whether or not all this new talent pro- 
wins will depend on the 
h Lee Corso h: ching 
ful def 
though, that 


duces more 


question, 
Indiana football program in hi 


h gear. 
With all that offensive fire power, look 
for the Hoosiers to knock off a couple of 
biggies this fall. 

Quarterback inexperience and a po- 
rous defensive line hurt Wisconsin last 
season, Throwers Mike Carroll and 


Charles Green now have more savvy and 
a new crew of assistant coaches has been 
hired to restructure the defense. Coach 
John Jardine has switched to a multiple- 
Т offense in an effort to spring speedy 
runners Mike Morgan and Ira Matthews 
to the outside, Unfortunately, the offen- 
sive line will be green. 

Northwestern’s Achilles’ heel is a dis- 
tressing lack of over-all speed. With no 
outside running threat, opposing de- 
fenses will key on Greg Boykin, one of 
the country’s better straight-ahead run- 
ners, The only other elfective weapon 
in the Wildcats’ arsenal is the Randy 
Dean-to-Scott Yelvington passing threat. 
The defensive line is thin and slow, 
which means that the secondary, led by 
superb safety Pete Shaw, will again have 
to make most of the tackles. 

The rebuilding program at Jowa, now 
in its umpteenth year, is progressing 
with painful slowness. Graduation took 
a dozen starters, including five N.F.L. 
but coach Bob Commings 
this year 
. Commings’ most critical prob- 
lems are the quarterback position and 
the interior line, where only one starter 
returns. The schedule is horrendous, with 
Southern Californ nd Penn State 
added to the usual Big Ten slate. 

Miami of Ohio has a wealth of good 
linemen on both sides of the trenches, 
runner Rob Carpenter and a favorable 


schedule. The only question going into 
pre-season drills is the quarterback posi- 
tion, where two sophs, Larry Fortner and 
Bob Maxwell, will probably share the 
duties The Mid-American Conference 
championship probably will be decided 
in the October 23 game with Bowling 
Green, and a possible place in the 
nation’s top 20 will be determined in the 
games with Purdue and Cincinnati. 
Bowling Green will have one of the 
best backfields in the Midwest, with Dan 
Saleet and Dave Preston doing the run- 


ni ad ver- 
satile wingback Steve Kuehl doing nearly 
everything. 

Kent State, with one of its younger 


teams of ree tened up during 
the off season on transfers from other 
schools. Former Notre Damer Art Best 
and Tom Roper (from Florida A&M) 
will be the star runners, Frank Angelo 
(from Michigan State) is the likely 
quarterback, guard Jim Grubaugh (from 
Indiana) will add heft to the offensive 
line and Neil Ferree (from West Point) 
will join the defensive backfield. 

Believe it or not, the Central Michigan 
offense will be even more explosive than 
it was last year. But help is needed 
everywhere on the defensive unit. Coach 
Roy Kramer doesn’t trust furriners; every 
on the roster is a Michigan mative. 
Ball State, expected to have a dismal 


scason its first усаг in the Mid-American 
Conference, wound up with а 9-2 record. 
Th ime the Cardinals won't be taken 
lightly, but with superscrambler Art 
Yaroch at quarterback, they'll sill be 
hard to beat. 

Ohio University is ag: hing for 
a quarterback to supplement the run- 
ning of Arnold Welcher. Unless a good 
one is found to run coach Bill Hess's 
multiple-I offense, the burden of a suc- 
cessful season will fall on a rugged de- 
fensive unit built around premier middle 
guard Rod Day. 

Northern Illinois has a new coach (Pat 
Culpepper), a new offense (wishbone), 
new enthusiasm and much improved of- 
fensive and defensive lines (both of which 
were dreadful last fall). If the incoming 
freshmen are as good as their advance 
billings, the Huskies will be tough to 
be 


by late season. 

Toledo lost only four starters from 
last year’s 5-6 team, but one of the de- 
parted is Gene Swick, a oncc-in-a-ifetime 
quarterback. With no replacement of 
even approximate quality and only ог 
dinary runners in camp, the Rocket 
attack seems defused. 

Western. Michigan will field a much 
improved team, a welcome change a 
"s dismal showing. Depth, how- 
ever, will still be a problem. Last у 
quarterback, Sollie Boone, has been 


Rappers give you a break, 
[You can dress with a flair, 
пјоу the feel of excellent 
tailoring and still know 
you're getting your 
money's worth. 


Fun Shirt, 
56. 


sold around the World. 


PLAYBOY 


150 


switched to wingback, where he will be a 
decp-recciving threat. 

Last fall, Notre Dame's very young 
team relied on amazing Irish luck. and 
a couple of breath-taking come-from- 
behind performances to salvage а barely 
respectable 8-3 record. The most glaring 
weakness, the offensive line, will be 
much improved this time. The quarter- 
ager was sen- 
tice. А plethora 
led by soph Jerome 
nd and the receiving 
gthened by a group of 
g freshmen. PLAYBOY All- 
America Ross Browner and Willie Fry, 
both brainy and articulate young men, 
are probably the best pair of defensive 
ends in college football. They're backed 
by a superb set of 1 а de- 
fensive back Luther Bradley is mi- 
dator in the mold of Attila the 
A national championship is possible. 

Two jaycce transfers, runner 
Ziegler and quarterb: 
add much zip to the 


Heavens is on 1 
corps will be su 


Hun. 


n't repeat, the 
will be a much improved ге: 
coach Tony Mason, one of 
brightest young mentors in the country, 
another couple of rebuilding ycars and 
пајог power. 

Ш has 19 returning starters, an 
embarrassment. of riches at qu 
and stellar receiver John "Fuzzy 
It could mean the first winning season 
for the Thundering Herd since 1964. A 
group of huge its. best of whom is 
tackle How’ . will provide much 


the 


Quarter 


lead the Т 


. J. Dailey returns to 
‚ш unless some 
, he'll be a one-man 
ortunately, both lines will be 


ing years i 
à much be 
from a 
ing at 
added maturity wi 


ly everyone 
adous defense (a mi 
best), but 
help. Vic Ma 


iduation gutted the defen- 


backfield, 
still be favored to win the 
х rac. Со; 


stable of pri 
its elders to 
Soph Jeff Rutledge seems the 
likely starter at quarterback, while 
Johnny Davis and Calvin Culliver wi 
do most of the running. The defense, 
rebuilt around All-America 
tackle Bob В: 
as in recent years and the 
offensive line will be slow by Alibama 
standards, The Tide will still dominate 
the Southland but not by as wide а mar 
gin as usual. 

‘The Florida team had no major weak- 


graduar 


nesses in 1975, and it will have none d 
year if it can find adeq 
for graduated qu: 
and fullback 


SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE. 


2 
ae 


Tennessee 
Mississippi 
State 
Auburn 
Vanderbilt 


Alabama 
Florida 
Mississippi 
Louisiana State s 
Georgia 74 
Kentucky 1-4 


ATLANTIC COAST CONFERENCE 


Maryland 92 Duke 6-5 

North Carolina. North Carolina 5—6 
State 6-5 Virginia 

Wake Forest 6-5 Clemson 1-10 


SOUTHERN CONFERENCE 


Appalachian Furman 65 
State 9-2 William & Mary3-8 

fast Carolina 7-4 Virginia 

The Citadel 74 Military 38 


INDEPENDENTS 


Georgia Tech 7—4 Louisiana Tech 8-3 
Memphis State 7-4 Richmond 6-5, 
Tulane 6-5 Southern 
Florida State 6-5 Mississippi 4-7 
Miami 4-] McNeese State 5-6 
Virginia Tech 8-3 Northeast 
South Carolina 4—7 Louisiana 5-5 
Arkansas 

State 10-1 


2-8 


TOP PLAYERS: Baumhower, C. Hannah, New- 
some, 1. Davis (Alabama); Moore, Posey, Car- 
penter, Davis (Florida); Turner, Ellis, Sweet 
(Mississippi); Duhe, Robiske (Louisiana 
State); Parrish, McLee (Georgia); Bryant, 
Kovach (Kentucky); Seivers, Spiva, Morgan 
(Tennessee); Black, Packer, Hull (Mississip- 
pi State); Ostrowski, McIntyre, O'Donoghue 
(Auburn); Weaver, Harrison (Vanderbilt); 
Campbell, Schick, Roy (Maryland); Brown, 
Stringer, Fagan (North Carolina State); Arm- 
strong, Zeglinski (Wake Forest); Bryan, 
Dunn, Benjamin (Duke); Voight, Cantrell 
pos Carolina); Copeland, Ozdowski (Vir- 
Goggins (Clemson); Price, Parker 
Вораста State); Bolding, Godette (East 
Carolina); Ruff, A. Johnson (The Citadel); Hol- 
comb (Furman); Rozantz (William & Mary); 
Willison, б. Jones (Virginia Military); Tierney, 
Sanford (Georgia Tech); Rush, Jones (Mem- 
phis State); М. Mitchell (Tulane); Key, Bright 
(Florida State); Edwards, Anderson (Miami); 
Beasley, Davis (Virginia Tech); Courson, 
long (South Carolina); Humphreys, Speer 
(Arkansas State); White (Louisiana Tech); 
Nixon (Richmond); E. Smith (Southern Missis- 
sippi); Broussard (McNeese State); Maxwell 
(Northeast Louisiana). 


Gators will need the same good luck at 
juries. Jimmy Fisher will 
probably handle the quarterback chores, 
but he may be ouscored by place kicker 
David Posey. The defensive unit boas 
a pair of potentially great linebackers, 
Scott Hutchinson (switched from defen- 
sive tackle in the spring) and rookie 


Scott Brantley, who has a brighter future 
than апу freshn ebacker in Florida 
history 


Ole Miss, the most improved team in 


the South last season, will continue its 
move back to excellence this fall. Best 
news is that the Rebs, who were lighter 
than most of the teams on their schedule 
in "75, have put on a lot of 
thanks to a multitude of big liner 
cruited a year ago. Quarterback Tim 
Ellis has superb targets in Curtis Weath- 
ers and Mark Clark, a transfer from 
Rice, The Rebels are deep and expe 
iced. They'll be in the thick of the 
championship race. 
Two years of laborious rebuild 


ng at 


ning to pay off. Tandem 
and 


Bobby 
g their 
L The offensive 


Lyons 


a decade. Tailback 1 
. the catalyst of the running 
should become LSU's all-time 
before the season ends. 
is sophomore Charles. Alex- 
ander, who is built like a lineback 
runs like an 
traditional ВАШ 


"s unit 


could be апи the best. Well know 
how much progress the B have 
made when they face Nebraska (unfor- 
tunately for the Huskers, it's а night 


¢ in Baton Rouge) on September 11. 
With two good q ks (Ray Goff 
and Matt Robinson) and a group of top 
receivers (best of whom is Gene Wash- 
ington), Georgia will do a lot of passing 
The running chores will be 
The 
anchored by PLaynoy All- 
ard Joel h, must be re- 


best. 
tucky seems to be реге 
; whenever the Wildcats 
hence, 
he wake 
› kidnaping and assorted other 
st a former player, with 
groundless guilt-by-association suspicions 
gulfing the team. It all resulted 
uly interference, police hi 
charges of point shaving by a pu 
ter who did 1 


ally 


re on 


The j 
wled back into the night and morale 
xcellent. So is the squad talent, de- 
spite the Ios of a few big: 
Coach Е Cu has switched to the 
wishbone offense. If Derrick Ram: 
пу the quarterback spot, the pass 
ast 

will be revived. Look for the Wildca 
win some of the close oncs they Jost 
at Tennessee with 
d still looking for a stari- 
ick. If none of the three 
‚ Bate will groom 
newcomers Jimmy Streater and Wilbert 
Jones, both blue-chippers. Whoever does 
the throwing, he'll have both PLAYBOY 
AllAmcrica receiver Larry Scivers and 


Gen. U. S. Importers: Van Munching & Co., Inc., NY... N.Y. 


Heineken tastes tremend 


IMPORTED HEINEKEN, IN BOTTLES, ON DRAFT AND DARK BEER. 


151 


PLAYBOY 


152 State will give М 


swift wingback Stanley Morgan as tar- 
van will also be a deadly kick 
eturner, The offensive line, bearing 
much of the blame for the mediocre '75 
season, will be Таеп 


Gone ИЛЫ (ЕЛАП enceinte Е ип 
just before getting to the end zone. Such 
improvement will depend largely оп 
ng the skills of quarterback 
uce Threadgill. Failing that, he could 
lose his job to Steve Wohlert, a former 
flanker. There is a wealth of running tal- 
ent in camp and the stopper unit, led 
лувоу all-Amcrica defensive back 
Black, should be even stronger than 
reshman runners James 
Copeland could win fame 
son if they get а chance to 
do much playing. Dennis Johnson. moved 
from running back, could become the 
best tight end in the South. 

Auburn will wy to pick up the pieces 
from a disappointing 775 season and start 
over with new coach Doug Barfield. Last 
year’s problems were caused by serious 
breakdowns in the defensive secondary 
and among the linebackers, so а new di 
Tensive system was installed during spring 
drills with gratifying results. With quar- 
terback Phil Gargis апа ru Secdrick 
McIntyre and William Andrews on hand 
(as is place kicker Neil O'Donoghue), the 
Tigers will have scoring punch. Still, it 
will be a rebuilding ye 

Graduation took the finest senior class 
in Vanderbilt's history, leaving only six 
starters and a lot of questionable replac 
ments. Sophomore quarterback Mike 
Wright has a promising future, but he'll 


be behind а very green— 
though hugc—line. A large number of 
promising freshmen will sce action. 


Among the һем of a fine group of re- 
cuits are runner Preston Brown. and 
290-pound defensive tackle Ronald Hal 
Last year was supposed to be a re- 
building year for Maryland, but the 
Terps won eight games—which gives 
idea of how good they'll be this 
There's ап experienced backfield, 
solid offensive line, two good quarter- 
running attack led by Steve 
at will be the strongest in school 
history and a favorable schedule. М 
land, in short, has а good chance to go 
defeated. 
New coach Bo Ri 
rolina State tean 


ts a North 
that features one of 
the country. 
ricrback Johnny Evans, a genuine 


€ 
the best running attacks 


Qu 


. Rein may 
ph Stringer to 
t would create havoc 
g defenses. The finest fresh- 
II give the Wolfpack en- 
viable depth. If the coaching change goes 
smoothly (the infectious enthusiasm of 
former mentor Lou Holtz will be missed), 
ryland a good tussle for 


fullback, a move th 


the Adantic Coast Conference champion. 
The non-Conference schedule, 
will keep the won-lost record 


Ditto Wake Forest. With 17 returning 
starters, the Deacons will be one of the 
most improved teams in the country, but 
schedule could preclude а win- 
ning season. A wealth of quarterback 
dent is in camp and free safety Bill 
Armstrong has the pro scouts drooling. 
Sophomore quarterback Mike Dunn 
will be the leader of a rejuvenated Duke 
offense. A master of the veer option, 


Dunn will have the help of fullback 


‚ а devastati 


Tony Ben g blocker 


jd power runner. The linebacking 
corps led by soph Carl McGee, is the 
best in Duke history. The Blue Dev 


biggest need is wide receivers, but fr 
man Derrick Lewis and jaycee transfer 
Bob "Sticky" Finger will likely fill tiat 
void 

North Carolina could have a 
offense than the one that produced an 
11-1 season in '72. The entire offensive 
line, a good one, returns, Mike Voight is 


bener 


one of the better runners around and 
two talented quarterbacks, Johnny Strat- 
ton and P. J, Gay, are available. The 


bad news is the defense, where ten mem- 
bers of las nept unit return, 
Happily, many of them will be displaced 
by freshmen and sophs. 

No more vivid illust 
of the des 


ation is p 
uctive effects ee i 
и 

te of ў St year's des. 

nia team. Virginia, ultracon- 
scious of its academic excellence, is the 
least likely place for bootcamp tactics 
to work. The players, fed up with intimi- 
dation, rebelled against heir coaches and 
the season was a shambles. New head 
coach Dick Bestwick was astonished dur 
ing spring practice by his squad's lack of 
fundamental training and spent the 
whole time teaching basics. Bestwick was 
also amazed by the enthusiasm and dedi 
ion of the players. Six underclass- 
men who quit football last year returned 
for spring drills. Result; Though the 

Cavaliers have much less talent than last 

season, look for them to be tougher to 

heat. Quarterback Drew Schuett, а trans- 
fer from Noue Dame, should make a big 
impression in Charlottesville. 

Clemson will field а very young team. 
The air attack, with Steve Fuller the 
likely quarterback, will still be a good 
one. The defensive unit, dreadful last 
year, has been rejuvenated by new defen- 
е coordinator Charley Pell. The sched- 
ule, as usual, is murderer's row. 

Appalachian State and. East 
cach with 17 starters returning 
seasons, should have banner y 
fight it out for the Southern Conference 
championship. Both wishbone attacks 
will be even more explosive than last 
ar's. Look for East Carolina soph run- 
die Hicks to become a superstar. 


The App: 
punter Joe Pa 
the South. 
"The Citadel is the dark horse of the 
Southern Conference е. The offense 
will be hyped by new quarterback Marty 
Crosby, a transfer from Florida State. 
Gem runner Andrew Johnson is at full 
speed after recovering from knee sur- 
gery. The defense. fearsome in 775, will 
be more so with the leadership of 
rravnoy All-America Brian Ruff, who, 
pound for pound, is the best linebacker 
merica. 
Don't count Furman out of the tide 
ce, cither. The Paladins lost only three 
riers via. uation. If it can avoid 
juries, Furman could have its best sca- 
son in many yea 
William & Mary will also be deep and 
experienced, with 19 starters returning, 
many of whom are talentladen sophs. It 
will still be a very young team and the 
schedule, as always, is rough. By 1977, 
the tribe will be taking a lot of sealps. 
For the first time since 1973, Vi 
ilitary enters the season with an estab- 
lished quarterback. In fact, there are two 
good ones on hand: soph Robbie Clark 
threatens to dislodge veteran Mark Lam- 
bert, who led the Conference in passing 
last year. Alas, there's no proven wide 
receiver in camp. 
Georgia Tech will 


chian kicking game, led by 
rker, may be the best in 


be stronger if 


coach Pepper Rodgers can find a quar- 
his 


terback то run wishbone attack. 
Bucky Shambury converted runner, 
is the top candidate for the job. The de- 
Teuse, а hot-cold unit last year, will bene- 
fit from added turity. The won-lost 
record probably won't improve, though, 
because ihe schedule, with Tennessee and 
Pittsburgh added, will be much tougher. 
Memphis S faces the meaticst 
schedule in its history. Fortunately, the 
"Tigers also one of their best teams 
with good depth at nearly all posi- 
tions. With a little luck, they could be 
among the surprises of the country. 
Tulane's 75 season was scuttled by the 
injury to quarterback Terry Looney be- 
fore the season began. Looney is now 
healthy and could have a great year if 
he isn’t beaten out by one of two high- 
ly touted incoming freshmen. Tommy 
Hightower and Roch Hontas. The 
Greenies will profit from the enthusiasm 
injected by new coach Larry Smith, who 
ко took in а bumper crop of rea 
Five or more incoming feshmen could 
be starters by season's end. If Smith can 
find some more line depth 
drills, Tul will be a spoiler. 
n Bright, Rud: 


preseason 


With Larry Key, Le 
Thomas and incoming 


State has 


Lyles, Flori¢ 
of running 
dreadful last year, will be much bett 
but all this good news may be canceled 
out by a serious lack of good bodies in 
both lines. 
The long 


best-ever group. 
ks. The kicking game, 


and painful rebuild 


“Untying her wrists from the bedposts, he rolled her 
over and tore away what remained of her panties. 
Once again, he thrust his swollen member into her now- 
eager flesh. ‘Don’t stop,’ she moaned. ‘Please, don't stop!” 


153 


process at Miami is approaching fruition, 
so look for the Hurricanes to vent their 
accumulated frustrations on a few un- 
suspecting opponents. The defense, fea- 
turing fearsome tackle Eddie Edwards, 
tly. Ottis Anderson and Tim 


PLAYBOY 


a plethora of good 
‘al runners with after- 
Much needed is a take-charge 
ith soph Don LaRue the 
likeli late. It's an experienced 
squad and looks like a sleeper among 
Southern independents, 

South Carol will suffer withdrawal 
symptoms from the graduation of invalu- 
able quarterback Jeff Grantz. Fortunate- 
ly, his replacement, Ron Ва a good 
one, and both the offensive line and the 
running corps will be strong. Less for- 
tunately, ht starters retu from a 
mediocre defense and the schedule looks 
like something Paul Dietzel put together 
when he knew he was about to be fired. 

Arkansas State, one of the two major 
undefeated teams in the country last year 
(with Arizona State), will be as strong as 
ever, despite serious defensive losses. 
Supersoph quarterback Randy Reed 
(from that notorious hotbed of football 
talent, Dickson, Tennessee) will be at 
the controls. If Bill Davidson, undoubt- 
edly the most superstitious head coach in 
the land, doesn’t break any of 
dozen taboos, the Indians could be un- 
defeated 

Loi 


linemen and sev 


burners. 


ech will try for a come- 
back after ppointing (for Tech) 
8-9 season. The prospects а 

with twin-barreled quarter Steve 
Haynes and Randy Robertson throwing 
to с of dandy receivers, Billy Ryck- 


the ranks of inde- 
pendents with virtually the entire squad 
that won the 1975 Southern Conference 
ng for another 


ill ep be еа by con- 
verted quarterback Milton Ruthin. 


completion of its new stadium, 
surely have set 
playing games 
the Golden Eagles dedicate their new 
home Seprember 25, they will have played 
32 of their past 35 games off campus. 
This doesn't appear to be the most tri- 
I of years for the celebration; the 
ng game will be impotent and 
illy—the Eagle defense will be vul- 
nerable to enemy passing attacks. 

duation took a heavy toll at Mc- 
tate, so this will be a rebuilding 


must 
time record for 
way from home. When 


New coach John 
over at Sag 
inherit mu 
signment will Ll 

154 line. Much of this scason's success will 


depend on how well quarterback Brian 
Garriga recovers from knee surgery. 


There's a feeling of cuphoria in the 
Nebraska camp. For the past two years, 
the Cornhuskers have been playing in 
the shadow of national-champion Okla- 
homa teams. This season, with more and 
better players in Lincoln, there's a strong 
feeling among both coaches and players 
that this is the year for a serious run for 
the national title. Main reasons for the 
m are a deep and mature offen- 
sive line anchored by PLavsoy All 


America tackle Bob Lingenfelter and a 


THE NEAR WEST 
BIG EIGHT 


Nebraska 11-1 Oklahoma State 7-4 
Kansas 8-3 Missouri 6-5 
Oklahoma 83 lowa State 5-6 


Colorado 7-4 Kansas State 3-8 


SOUTHWEST CONFERENCE 


Texas A&M 9-2 Houston 5-6 
Texas 9-2 Texas Christian 4-7 
Arkansas 8-3 Southern 

Baylor 14 Methodist 3-8 
Texas Tech 5-6 Rice 3-8 


MISSOURI VALLEY CONFERENCE 


Tulsa 6-5 Drake 5-6 
New Mexico St. 6-5 West Texas St. 5-6 
Wichita State 5-6 Louisville 4-7 


INDEPENDENTS 


Air Force 5-6 Texas at 
Utah ае — 5-6 Arlington 4-7 
North Texas St. 5-6 Lamar 47 


TOP PLAYERS: Lingenfelter, Fultz, Pruitt, 
Hoins, Ferragamo, Butterfield (Nebraska); 
Cromwell, L. Smith, Butler (Kansas); 
Vaughan, J. Anderson, Peacock (Okla- 
homa); Hasselbeck, white, Spivey (Colo- 
rado); Dokes, Gofourth, T. Miller (Oklahoma 
State), Pisarkiewicz, Frisch (Missouri); 
Mike Stensrud, Green (lowa State); 

Pennington (Kansas State); Hayes, Jackson, 
Fields, Swilley (Texas A&M); E. Camp- 
bell, Clayborn, Shearer, E. Lee (Texas) 
Thielemann, Eckwood, Little (Arkansas); б. 
Green, Burns, Lee (Baylor); Isaac, Sears 
(Texas Tech); Whitley, Belcher (Houston); 
Renfro, Lowe (Texas Christian); Wesson, 
Duggan (Southern Methodist), Kramer, Roy 
(Rico); Hickerson, Watts (Tulsa); Dean, Hull 
(New Mexico State); Adkins (Wichita State); 
Martin (Drake); Perez (West Texas State); 
Prince (Louisville); Weidmann, Wood (Air 
Force); 1. Hough (Utah State); Chapman 
(North Texas State); Jensen (Texas at Arling- 
ton); McGowen (Lamar). 


defensive un 
some pro t 


that would be the envy of 
ns, PLaynoy All-America 
Mike Fultz and Ron Pruitt are the best 
delensivetackle duo in the land. The 
Huskers will continue to be a powerful 
ball-control team but with more explo- 
siveness than last year. Look for Vince 
Ferragamo to throw the ball often and 
. The only dark cloud on the horizon 
is the questionable team speed: The 
Huskers might find themselves badly 
outhustled by some teams with less im- 
pressive credentials, Still, coach Tom Os- 
borne has done a masterful job of 


rebuilding his team to its former excel- 
lence, and for that feat we've named him 
our Coach of the Year. 

Kansas surprised everyone last year 
by winning seven games, including а 
convincing win over national champion 
Oklahoma. Prospects are bright for this 
fall, because graduation losses were mini- 
Coach Bud Moore insists that Nolan 
Cromwell is the best wishbone quarter- 
back in the land, and Laverne Smith 
should become the leading runner in 
Kansas history. Smith will have strong 
support in fullbacks Norris Banks and 
Dennis Wright, plus flashy jaycce-transter. 
halfback Wardell Johnson. Tackle Mike 
Butler (who could well be the first player 
to be taken in the next pro draft) an- 
chors the best Jayhawk defensive line in 
many years. The squad’s only major 
weaknesses seem to be the defensive sec- 
ondary and the kicking game. 

After winning the national champion- 
ship two years in a row and losing a 
storehouse of talent to the N.F.L. draft, 
Oklahoma would seem destined for an 
off year. But a building season in Nor- 
man i like Fat City most other places. 
Belore November, the Sooners could he 
as strong as ever. The offensive line, led 
by praysoy All-America lineman Mike 
Vaughan, will be much improved and 


the running game, despite the loss of 
Joe Washington, will be as lethal as ever. 
Many Colorado followers, considering 


m's losses (11 graduates were tak- 
n the first ten. rounds of the pro 
draft), fear this will be an off year for the 
Buffs. But the replacements look as good 
as their departed. elders. Jeff Austin, the 
heir apparent to the quarterback job, 
pil ue behind another huge offen- 

i gets will be 
PLAYBOY EU America Haie end Don Has- 
selbeck star 
of the future. Another comer is soph 
defensive end Stuart Walker, who joins 
a defensive u that could be the best 
in ten years. Coach Bill Mallory got 
another crop of recru past winter 
(Colorado's broad d relaxed 
youth culture apparently have a strong 
appeal for big high school seniors), so 
expect the Buffs to be a top-20 team for 
years to come. 

For many years, Oklahoma State has 
fielded a team that would be tops in 
most conferences but usually has had to 
settle for fourth or fifth place in the Big 
Fight. If the Cowboys ever br 
the elite of the fatlands, th 
to be the year. Nearly every 
from last fall's 7-4 squad. The defense, 
featuring PLaysoy All-America lineman 
Phillip Dokes, was strengthened in 
spring practice, and an improved pass 
ing game will complement a running at- 
tack that is already awesome 

Except for 
in the open 
the Missouri 
radically in 


defensive crew played spo- 
75, letting the burden fall 


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PLAYBOY 


156 Busters 


on an offense that consisted mostly of 
Steve Pisarkiewicz throwing arm. The 
defenders were restructured during spring 
drills and at least three excellent rec 
ers (Lamont Downer, Leo Lewis and Joe 
Stewart) were tained to catch Zark's 
cannon shots. Another major plus is the 
return, intact, of the offensive line. Nev- 
ertheless, road games against Southern 
wl, Ohio State, Nebraska and Okla- 
homa will make a winning season a 
difhcult attainment. 

Jowa State will be improved but not 
good enough to survive a Big Eight 
schedule that would overwhelm better 
s. The Cyclones have more break- 
away speed than in recent seasons, but 
the offensi d thin, New 
quarterback Wayne Stanley is a classy 
thrower, so the attack will be more pass 
oriented. The presence of middie guard 
Mike Stensrud, a 280-pound sophomore, 
will make the defensive line the squad's 
strongest area. Older brother Maynard 
will help beef up the linebacking crew. 

With 16 st 
State м 


dependent on incoming freshmen and 
transfers to do the running and the 
blocking. The defenders, led by line- 
backers Gary Spani and Carl Ре 

ton, will again be the squad's 


as succinctly as possible, are loaded. The 
vagaries of fate and infirmary admissions 
will bly determine which и 

it to the Conon Bowl AÑ 
graduation loses were heavy, but the 
replacements look just as good. Incoming 
n halfback Curtis Dickey is a 
future star and may become а houschold 
name his first year. He'll be teamed with 
k George Woodard, а 


Shipman and David Walker) return, but 
they'll probably lose out to talented soph 
Keith Baker. ‘The defense, led by two 
rLAYBoy All-Americas, defensive back 
Lester Hayes and linebacker Robert Jack 
son, may not be as impregnable as a year 
ago, but with all that ollensive punch, 
it won't have to be. 

The Texas defense, on the other hand, 
will be awesome. Only one sta 
ated and the p ten seem bigger 
nd tougher than they were a year 
The offensive platoon lost only three 
starters, but one of them was superquar- 
terback Marty Akins. Two sophs, Ted 
Constanzo and Mike Cordaro, will com- 
pete for the job, with Constanzo the 
likely winner. Neither will have to throw 
the ball much, because fullback Earl 
mpbell and halfback Johnny Jones 
will give the Longhorns a powerful 
ground attack. 

Only four starters return from the Ar- 
ansas offense that came on like Gang 
the end of the '75 season. 


Я 


‘Three of the returnees are the heart of a 
superb interior line and the other is 
Jerry Eckwood, who, now that his injur- 
ies are healed, could be one of the best 
runners anywhere. So the Razorback 
ground game should be top grade; but, 


unfortunately, the passers and receivers 
are new and unpromising. Soph Ron 
Calcagni is the heir apparent at quan 


back, but he could be bumped by cither 
of wo high school hot shots. Most of the 
opportunistic defense returns, however, 
and the toughies on the schedule come 
late in the fall. If it all comes together 
soon enough, this could be another fear- 
some pack of Hogs. But the odds are 
against it, The Oklahoma State game 
September 18 will be the key 10 the rest 
of the season. 

The main objective of rhe Baylor team 
is to curb its compulsive generosity. Last 
year, the Bear offense fumbled 65 times 


(losing 38 of them) and suffered 12 inter- 
team 


ceptions. The looked 
spring practice; Fr 
apparently found a new brand of f 
glue to correct his fumbling and ran like 
à demon. Quarterback Mark Jackson is 
also better this year and the offensive 
line is the best in school history. Depth 
is a problem on defense, but the second- 


great 


ary, led by залувоу All-America defen- 
sive back С п, is the best in the 
Southwest. п short, is the dark 


horse of the Southwest Conference. 

With eight offensive starters returning, 

including the entire backfield, the Texas 

am will look much the same as 
edition. The gains of this added 
unless 
а depleted secondary can be rebuilt and 
some backup defensive linemen found 
during pre-season drills. 

A combination of injuries and squad 
lethargy produced a disastrous '75 season 
for the Houston team. This year, the 
Cougars, joining the Southwest Conf 
ence, intend to make a good show 


n 
With a little luck, they will. The delense, 
Лам year’s major weakness, will be much 


stronger 1 ihe е healed. 
With 35 of the top 11 players returning, 
Houston will be the most experienced 
team in the S.W.C. Making their Con 
ference debut, the Соцва likely have 
the mental edge in most games, so look 
for them to pull off some upsets. 

Texas 1 be much im. 
ng a 2-20 record 
ıs a long way to 


Christian. wi] 
proved, but after. post 
the past two years, it 
go. The Frogy major liability recently 
has been inexperience, but that will be 
much less of a problem this time. Jimmy 
Dan Fler is a h med p 
and receiver Mike Renfro will be the 
nation’s hest before he graduates. The 

r attack, therefore, should be impres- 
sive, but the Frogs are still woefully short 
ity running backs. Two dimi 
tive jaycee transfers (Tony Accoma 
and Audi Woods) will help. Look for 
incoming freshman defensive tackle 


Wesley Roberts to wreak havoc his first 
ar. 

With the arrival of new coach Ron 
Meyer, there is a salubrious change in 
the attitude and atmosphere at SMU. 
Last year, the players suffered from a 
sense of oppression; they feared the 
coaches, the media, even the other stu- 
dents, There was much bad pres—de- 
servedly so—and bitter campus hostility. 
Meyer, fortunately, is the antithesis of 
Lombardi; he thinks football should also 
be fun. He's open and outgoing with the 
press, players and students. Although the 
squad is seriously lean in talent, the new 
desire and spirit shown in spring prac- 
tice will probably produce better results 
ar. Much depends on whether 
Rickv Wesson, a 
olfense, cam stay healthy. Also. 
coming freshman receivers, T 
guson uel Tolbert, must live 
up to their advance notices. The offen- 
e line, s major strength, is 
this season's most serious weakness. 

Homer Rice, fitt 
at Rice. He succeeds Al Conover, who 
worked hard and well for four years but 
didn't win enough games to suit a few 
mpaticnt and very rich alumni. Rice is 
one of the smallest schools in the country 


ly, is the new coach 


to field a major football team, vet the 
schedule is always tougher than those of. 
most mammoth state universities. Coach 


Rice inherits stellar quarterback Tommy 
Kramer, whose performance will be a ke 
to this season's fortunes. Also on hand is 
tight end Kenneth Roy, tabbed by pro 
scouts as one of the best anywhere. 

Tulsa will field a young team (only 
three offensive starters return), but it 
will have much potential. Soph runner 
Rickey Watts, who averaged ап incredi- 
ble 11.2 yards per carry last year, will be 
the biggest threat. The key to the Hu 
ricancy’ season will be how well a veteran 
defense holds the fort while the young 
auack unit, headed by quarterback 
develops. 

The wishbone offense turned out to 
be a bag of bones for New Mexico State 
last season, so coach Jim Bradley has 
switched to the sloti formation. He 


has three good quarterbacks, best of 
whom is Rick Нога 

Wichita 
loses 


ей work, 
ers and 


tk, t0 ni 
te retains 18 st 
three Big Eight opponents from 
^s schedule. Any way you 
dds up to a much better year for 
the Shockers. 

will switch to a pro offense this 
order to better utilize gifted quar- 
back Jell Martin. 

п pressure may force West Texas 
State coach Gene Mayfield to abandon 
his very successful wishbone attack. The 
ticket buyers want more passing. Quar- 
back Tully Blanchard has the arm 
power, but the only proven recciver is 
Scott Wiley. A good crop of huge fresh- 
men could make the Buffaloes hard to 
handle by season’s end. 


At Louisville, coach Vince Gibson is 
still in the early stages of a major re- 
building program. Twenty starters re 
turn from a miserable 1—10 season and 
100 players showed up for spring prac 
tice. Gibson should find a few nuggets in 
such a crowd. 

he Air Force Academy seems to have 
fallen on hard times. A dismal 2—8-1 
season will now be followed by a rebuild- 
ing year. A new quarterback must be 
found. the kicking game rebuilt and the 
offensive line reconstructed. Fortunate 
the defensive unit will be much strong 

Alter appraising his squad in spring 
practice, new Utah State coach Bruce 
Snyder said, "There's no way we will 
drive 80 yards for a score this year. If w 
win, the defense will have to do it.” 
"Null said. 

North T State, on the verge of 
becoming a team of genuine quality, will 
score a lot of points if the offensive line 
holds up. "We may not have the best 
quarterback in America,” says coach 


Hayden Fry, “but I bet we have the best 
three,” referring to Ken Washington, 


Glen Ray and Ken Smith. There are also 
some good runners, best of whom are 
Mack Cumby and newcomer Gary Dirks, 
and the defense is its usual nasty best. 
The schedule is a masochist's delight. 

Texas at Arlington has the only ter- 
tiagenarian player in college football. 
After a career in the Army, 30-year-old 
Thomas Wilson decided he'd like to do 
something more exciting than jump out 
of airplanes, so he'll be a starting. split 
end this season. 

Lamar, rebuilding from last 
showing, is still short of good runner 


"s sad. 


Rarely has a new coach inherited such 
a storehouse of talent as John Robinson 
found waiting for him at Southern Cali- 
fornia. The Trojans seem to have an 
All-America contender at every position. 
The offense will be better balanced, be- 
cause Robinson pepped up the passir 
attack in spring drills. Three qua 
quarterbacks, Vince Evans, Rob H 
and jaycce transfer. Walt Ransom, will 
throw often to a pair of spectacular re- 
ceivers, Randy Simmrin and Shelton 
Diggs. Add a running attack led by 
rLAYnov All-America Ricky Bell, plus 
two excellent blocking fullbacks (Dave 
Farmer and Mosi Tatupu), and you have 
the ingredients of a  50-points-per- 
game offense. The Trojan defensive pla- 
toon has astonishing speed, with tackles 
and linebackers faster than some teams’ 
halfbacks. All together, Southern Cal 
would seem to have an inside track to 
both the Pac8 and national champion- 
ships. Except for one potentially threat- 
ening factor: The chemistry of coaching 
changes is unfathomable. Robinson and 
his staff must fit all the pieces together 
just right their first year. 

If Southern California falters, Cali- 
fornia will be ready. The Bears led the 


у 
tel 


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Here's how he does it: Stir together one part of Rose's 
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Roses Lime Juice. For great gimlets. 
157 


b nation in total offense last year and 
© «ош easily do so again. eravnov All- 

America quarterback Joe Roth has so 
M many flashy receivers he can't remember 
LE ind seven top-grade run- 
a vying for Chuck Muncie's job. 
E major weakness, am inexpe- 
ry 


rienced defense, has turned into a major 


THE FAR WEST 


PACIFIC EIGHT 


Oregon 
Washington 
Washington 


Southern 
California 
California 
UCLA State 
Stanford ‘Oregon State 


WESTERN ATHLETIC CONFERENCE 


Arizona State 10-1 Texas at 

Arizona. 65 El Paso 

Brigham Young 6-5 Colorado State 

Wyoming 6-5 New Mexico 
Utah 


PACIFIC COAST CONFERENCE 


San Jose St. 8-3 — Fresno State 
Long Reach St. 9-2 Fullerton St. 
Pacific 5—6 


INDEPENDENTS. 


San Diego St. 7-4 Hawaii 
Idaho 6—5 


TOP PLAYERS: Powell, Bell, Jeter, Farmer, 
Diggs, Hickman, Strozier (Southern Califor- 
nia); Roth, Albrecht, Walker, Heck, Freitas 
(California); Tyler, Tuiasosopo, Edwards, 
Burks (UCLA); T. Hill, McColl, Karakozoff 
(Stanford); J. Henderson, Duman, Quillan 
(Oregon); C. Jackson, Earl (Washington); 
Hedrick, Kelly (Washington State); Boyd, 
Overton (Oregon State); Jefferson, F. Wil- 
liams, Chambers, Scroggins (Arizona State); 
Pistor, Erby (Arizona); Blanc, Reynolds (Brig- 
ham Young); Nunu, K. McClain, L. Jones 

Bradford, K. Black (Texas at 
ing, Harris (Colorado State); Cole, 
Dennard (New Mexico); Degnan, Graham 
(Utah); Faumuina, Kane, Maddocks (San Jose 
State); Bailey, Fiatoa (Long Beach State); 
Gibson, Picchi (Pacific); Hill (Fresno State); 
Ball (Fullerton State); Dixon, Turner, Hinton. 
(San Diego State); Yarno, Pellegrini (Idaho); 
Kaloi, Birdsong, Tipoti (Hawaii). 


asset for this season, because 16 of the 
top 22 players return and ed by 
four superstud j Cali- 
fornia has no app t or depth 
problems at any position. One problem 
the Bears do have, though, is the sched- 


ule: The first three games are ag; 
Geo! d Arizona State. 
New UCLA coach Terry Donahue 


ust find a quarterback to тип his veer- 
ck. Jeff Dankworth and Steve 


are good типпег» and elusive scramblers. 

\ depleted offensive line may inhibit the 

running game, however, despite the wel- 

come presence of һай Wendell 

Tyler. Sophomore defensive lineman 

Manu Tuiasosopo should be a consensus 
All-America before he graduates. 

Stanford's strong point again will be 

158 the passing game. Two gold-plated 


Mike 


Cordova 
able, w 
g who plays. 


They'll 
throw to receiver Tony Hill. The defense 


the leadership of 
thlete Duncan McColl, one of 
s better defensive linemen. 
With no apparent weaknesses, the Gardi- 
nals (ne Indians) fill the dark-horse role 
on the West Coast. 

Oregon has had only one winning 
season in the past 11 years, but the long 
rebuilding program seems to be paying 
oll This year, the Ducks, disillusioned 
with the veer attack (they fumbled 48 
times last season, mostly near their own 
goal line), will field а prostyle offense 
featuring the passing of quarterback Jack 
Henderson. Needing someone to share 
the running chores with George Bennett 
(last year’s one-man running attack), 
coach Don Read recruited three jaycce 
transfer sizzk И Jim 
Johnson and Gary Together, 
theyll give the Ducks more outside 
speed than they've had in a decide. An- 
other group of transfers will shore up a 
defensive line gutted by graduation. If all 
those newcomers adapt quickly, the Ducks 
will bea factor in the Rose Bowl race. 

Washington was the Cinderella team 
of the West С coach Don ] 

son, knocking off both 
Т.А, and losing to both Cali 
ford by only three points. 
at would seem to make the Huskies a 
dark-horse contender for the Rosc Bowl 
trip this year. However, there are a cou- 
ple of clinkers in the otherwise bright 
picture: (1) They no longer can sneak up 
on unsuspecting opponents and (2) 
graduation claimed the entire wo-deep 
up in one of the nation's best defen- 


stically Shuffle his squa 
ісе in an effort to strengthen 
both lines. Some help 
freshmen, but the beef will still be young 
and lean. Four good quarterbacks are on 
hand, best of whom is John Hopkins. 
"The Cougars will be heavily dependent 
on rrAYsoY All-America punter Gavin 
Hedrick to keep the enemy at bay while 
the new offense, mainly a passing one, 
refines its аст. 

Oregon ist. beginn 
build and it will likely take several ycars 
to do the job. The Beavers just plain ran 
ist year and new 


gap Em К 
group of transfers. The 
is the offensive line. Fertig also must find 
a quarterback. Two jaycee transfers, 
Dave White and John Norman, looked 
good in spring drills. If Fertig can fit all 
those new bodies into a cohesive team, 
Oregon State could be much improved. 
Considering last year's showing (1-10), 


the Beavers have no way to go but up. 
Arizona State won all 11 games last 
year and defeated Nebraska in the Fiesta 
Bowl. From that squad only eight seniors 
graduated, which should give you an idea 
of how strong the Sun Devils will be this 
т. The offense, with Dennis Sproul ar 
ack, fast Freddie Willi 


ceiver, will be dev 
are so deep in fi : 
the starters could be replaced with 
negative effect. It isnt a he: 
because coach Frank Kush recr 
marily for quickness: the Sun 
usually run around and away from oppo- 
stead of over them. If they get 
r first two games (with UCLA 
and California) unscathed, the Devils 
have a good shot at the national cham- 
pionship. 

The Arizona team, nearly wiped out 
by graduation, will feature a lot of new 
starters, most promising of whom will be 
quarterback Marc Lunsford. With a 
grueling early-season schedule and a 
young team, it looks like a tough year 
in Tucson. 

The Brigham Young team has had a 
disturbing proclivity for slow starts in 
recent seasons, largely bi 
cancies left at skilled offensive posi 
by players leaving for church miss 
This year, though, the a is well 
stacked a avell Edwards hopes 
to 


team, 
ts pri- 
Devils 


ave their first 
y Blackwell, who will 
h some badly needed outside speed. 
en but promising del unit 
jells carly, this could be a banner year 
in Provo. 

The Wyoming team, having spent all 
isting to coach Fr 
pleoption wishbone attack, 


should get off to a much faster start this 
fall. 


Much depends on whether or not 
prone ш quarterback Don Ci 
De new run 


injury 


iid c make up lor the loss of 


ference 

Texas at El Paso will probably be the 
most improved team in the country— 
which, in view of the recent past, is 
saying a whole lot. Last year's predom- 


sophomore te 


with his recruits, best of whom 
Je Keith Black 
another year and they'll raise all 
of hell in the Southwest. 

Golorado State, heavily dependent on 
the pass in recent years, will have a more 
balanced attack in order to utilize a good 
group of runners, led by Ron Harris. 
Mike Deutsch, а converted runner, is the 
probable quartei 

New Mexico's footba all fortunes, seem- 
ingly on the rise, will be stalled briefly 


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4 


PLAYBOY 


160 


this fall while coach Bill Mondt searches 
among four promising sophomores for a 
quarterback. The Lobos have the best 
stable of runners in the Conference and 
а mean defensive unit built around de- 
fensive end Robin Cole, “There's gonna 
be a lot of blood on the field this year, 
says Cole. 

Utah's hope for a revival of sagging 
fortunes is based on the return of skilled 
passer Par Degnan and a good group of 
receivers, best of whom could be јаусес 
transfer Jack Steptoe. 

San Jose Stare seemed headed for an- 
other banner year, then coach Daryl 
Rogers defected to Michigan State in the 
middle of spring practice. New coach 
Lynn Stiles took over a thoroughly 
pissed-off squad that would like nothing 
better than 10 show Rogers he should 
have stayed in San Jose. Stiles will have 
no problem fielding a respectable de- 
fense, but he must find a quarterback and 
install a viable offense during fall drills. 

Long Beach State will be a different 
sort of club this season, relying more on 
its dependable defense and trying to 
keep the olfense free of mistakes. Quar- 
oe Paopao and fullback Mark 
ley will be the '49ers' main weapons. 

Graduation wiped out both of Pacific’s 
lines and took the top two quarterbacks. 
Coach Chester Caddas scoured the nearby 
junior colleges for reinforcements, but 
their worth won't be determined until 
they sec game action. 

Fresno State is rebuilding under new 
coach Jim Sweeney. Don't look for much 
improvement until Sweeney gets his re- 
cruiting program in high gear. 

After suffering а 2-9 record last. ус 


Fullerton State coach Jim Colletto 
brought in so many recruits from junior 
colleges (39) that fans won't recognize 
the dub that takes the field this year. 
The Titans will at least have better 
depth and more skilled players. 

San Diego State had an off year in '75, 
winning only eight games, because the 
running attack was limp. That problem 
is now solved with the arrival of jaycee 
uansfer David Turner, a flamboyant 
runner who broke all of О. J. Simpson's 
junior college records. The quarterback 
job will go to cither Pete Tereschuk or 
another jaycee transfer, Joe Dav 

Idaho inaugurates its impressive new 
enclosed stadium with a squad that has 
the best chance in anyone's memory for a 
victorious season. There’s a virtual traf 
fic jam of topgrade freshmen and trans- 
fers, three excellent quarterbacks and an 
improved running attack (it was good 
last year) led by soph Tim Lappano. 

As always, we end with an appraisa 
of the Hawaii team, an outfit of endur- 
ng mulhiracial charm: The Rainbows 
will have a tough time negotiating the 
usual joyously suicidal schedule. Adrian 
Kahoohanohano has graduated, unfor- 
tunately, bur tailback Norris Birdsong 
and passer Alex Kaloi will provide oll 
sive muscle. Best of all. we are in receipt 
of a University of Hawaii press release 
announcing that defensive lineman 
Randy Rodrigues will be joined by a 
future superstar recruit, 270-pound Nofo 
Tipoti. Of pure Samoan ancestry, young 
Tipoti won lineman-of-the-year honors in 
Pago Pago his last year in high school. 
Move over, Mean Joe Green. 


“Well, you gave me the damn aftershave lotion.” 


" 


VeL 


(continued from page 122, 
young. And all the information we re- 
ceived about the planet we were on ind 
cated that idiots were lovely things to be. 

So we cultivated idiocy. 

We refused to speak coherently in pub- 
lic. "Buh," and “Duh,” we said. We 
drooled and rolled our eyes. We farted 
and laughed. We ate library paste. 

Hi ho. 


Consider: We were at the center of 
the lives of those who cared for us. They 
could be heroically Christian in their 
own eyes only if Eliza and I remained 
helpless and vile. If we became openly 
wise and self-reliant, they would be 
come our drab and inferior assistants. TE 
we became capable of going out into the 
world, they might lose their apartments, 
their color television. their illusions of 
being sorts of doctors and nurses and 
their high-paying jobs. 

So, from the very first, and without 
quite knowing what they were doing, I 
am sure, they begged us а thousand times 
a day to go on being helpless and vile. 

‘There was only one small advancement 
they wished us to make up the ladder of 
human achievements. They hoped with 
all their hearts that we would become 
toilet trained. 

Again: We were glad to comply. 


But we could secretly read and write 
We 
could read and write French, German, 
Italian, Latin and andent Greek by the 
time we were seven, and do calculus, too. 

There were thousands of books in the 
mansion. By the time we were ten, we 
had read them all by candlelight, at nap- 
time or after bedtime—in secret passage- 
ways or often in the mausoleum of Elihu 
Roosevelt Swain. 


English by the time we were four. 


But we continued to drool and babble, 
and so on, whenever grownups were 
around. It was fun, 

We did not itch to display our 
gencc in public. We did not thi 
intelligence as being useful or ацга 
in any way. We thought of it as being 
simply one more example of our frcak- 
ishness, like our extra nipples and fingers 
and toes, 

And we may have bcen right at that. 
You know? 

Hi ho. 


CHAPTER 5 


e young Dr. 
t Rawlings Mow weighed us and 


measured us, and peered into our ori- 
fices, 


nd took samples of our urine— 
Iter day after d 
How is everybody today 
say. 

We would tell him "Buh' 


" he would 


nd "Duh," 


and so on. We called him Flocka Butt. 

And we ourselves did all we could to 
make each day exactly like the one be- 
fore. Whenever Flocka Butt congratu- 
lated us on our healthy appetites and 
regular bowel movements, for example, I 
would invariably stick my thumbs in my 
cars and waggle my fingers and Eliza 
would hoist her skirt and snap the elastic 
at the waist of her panty hose. 


I teeter even now between thinking 
that Dr. Mott loved Eliza and me, and 
knew how smart we were and wished to 
protect us from the cruelties of the out- 
side world, and thinking that he was 
comatose. 

Alter Mother died, I discovered that 
the linen chest at the foot of her bed 
was crammed with packets of Dr. Моц" 
biweekly reports on the health of Eliza 
and me. He told of the ever greater quan- 
tities of food being consumed and then 
excreted. He spoke, too, of our unfla 
ging cheerfulness aud our natural re- 


sistance to common diseases of childhood. 
The sorts of things he reported, in fact, 
were the sorts of things a carpenter's 
helper would have had no trouble detect- 
ing—such as that, at the age of nine, 
liza and I were over two meters tall. 
No matter how large Eliza and I be- 
came, though, one figure remained. con- 


stant in his reports: Our mental age was 
between two and three. 
Hi ho. 


Eliza and I must have given him thou- 
sands of clues as to our intelligence. We 
weren't the cleverest of deceivers. We 
were only children, after all. 

It seems probable to me that when we 
babbled in his presence, we used words 
from some foreign language that he 
could recognize. He may have gone into 
the library of the mansion, which was of 
no interest to the servants, and found 
the books somehow disturbed. 

He may the secret 
passageways himself, through some acci- 
dent. He around the 
house a great deal after he was through 
with us, I know, explaining to the serv- 
ants that his father was an architect. He 
may actually have gone into the secret 
passageways and found books we were 
reading in there and scen that the floors 
were spattered with candle wax. 

Who knows? 


have discovered 


used to wander 


CHAPTER 6 

Perhaps some people really are born 
unhappy. I surely hope not. 

Speaking for my sister and myself: We 
were born with the capacity and the de- 
termination to be utterly happy all the 
time. 


Perhaps even in this we were freaks 

Hiho. 

What is happiness? 

In Eliza and my case, happiness v 
being perpetually in each other's comp: 
ny, having plenty of servants and good 
food, living in a peaceful, book-filled 
mansion on an asteroid covered with 
apple trees and growing up as specialized 
halves of a single brain 

Although we pawed and embraced 
each other a great deal, our intentions 
were purely intellectual, True—Eliza 
matured sexually at the age of seven. I, 
however, would not enter puberty until 
my last year in Harvard Medical School, 
t the age of 23. Eliza and I used bodily 
contact only in order to increase the in- 
timacy of our brains. 

Thus did we give birth to a single 
genius, which died as quickly a 
parted, which was reborn the moment 
We got together again. 


we were 


We became almost cripplingly special 
ized as halves of that genius, which was 
the most important individual in our 
lives but which we never named. 

When we learned to read and write, 
for example. it was I who actually did 
the reading and wı ‘liza remained 
illiterate until the day she died. 

But it was Eliza who did the great 


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“Ouch! ... Don't do that. ... Not now . . the children'll 
hear.... My back hurts.... No, I canit! , .." 


ntuitive leaping for us both. It was Eliza 
who guessed that it would be in our best 
interests to remain speechless but to be- 
come toilet uained. It was Eliza who 
guessed what books were and what the 
little marks on the pages might mean. 

It was Eliza who sensed that there was 
something cockeyed about the dimen- 
sions of some of the mansion's rooms 
and corridors. And it was I who did the 
methodical work of taking actual meas- 
urements and then probing the paneling 
and parquetry with screwdrivers and 
kitchen knives, secking doors to an alter- 
nate universe, which we found. 

Hi ho. 


Yes, I did all the reading. And it seems 
to me now that there is not a single book 
published in an Indo-European language. 
before the First World War that I have 
not read aloud. 

But it was Eliza who did the memoriz- 

ng and who told me what we had to 

learn next. And ir was Eliza who could 
put scemingly unrelated ideas together 
in order to get а new one. It was Eliza 
who juxtaposed. 


Much of our information was hopele: 
ly out of date, of course, since few new 
books had been brought into the mansion 
since 1912. Much of it, too, was timcless. 
id much of it was downright silly, such 
as the dances we learned to do. 

1f I wished, I could do а very presenta- 
ble and historically accurate version of 
the tarantella, here in the ruins of New 


Wer 
we thought as one? 

I have to say yes, especially in view of 
the fact that we had no instructors. And 
I am not boasting when I say so, for I 
am only half of that fine mind. 

We criticized Darwin's theory of evo- 
lution, I remember, on the grounds the 
creatures would become terribly vulnera- 
ble while attempting to improve them- 
selves, while developing wings or armor 
plate, say. They would be caten up by 
more practical ils, before their won- 
derful new features could be refined. 

We made at least one prediction that 
was so deadly accurate that thinking 
about even now leaves me thunder- 
struck. 

Listen: We began with the mystery of 
how ancient peoples had erected the pyra- 
mids of Egypt and Mexico, and the great 
heads of Easter Island, and the barbaric 
arches of Stonehenge, without modern 
power sources and tools. 

We conduded there must have been 
days of light gravity in olden times, when 
people could play tiddlywinks with huge 
chunks of stone. 

We supposed that it might even be ab- 
normal on earth for gravity to be stable 
for long periods of time. We predicted 


that at any moment gravity might again 
become as capricious as winds and heat 
and cold, as blizzards and rainstorms. 

Yes. and Eliza and I composed a pre: 
cocious critique of the Constitution of 
the United States of America, too. We 
argued that it was as good a scheme for 
misery as any, since its success in keeping 
the common people reasonably happy 
and proud depended on the strength of 
the people themselves—and yet it de- 
scribed no practical machinery that 
would tend to make the people, as op- 
posed to their elected representatives, 
strong. 

We said it was possible that the fram- 
ers of the Constitution were blind to the 
beauty of persons who were without great 
wealth or powerlul friends or public of- 


fice but who were nonetheless genuinely 
strong. 
We thought it was more likely, though, 


that the framers had not noticed that it 

natural, and therefore almost in- 
able, that human beings in extraor- 
dinary and enduring, situations should 
think of themselves as composing new 
families. El and I pointed out that 
this happened no less in democracies than 
in tyrannies, since human beings were 
the same the wide world over, and civi- 
lized only yesterday. 

Elected representatives, hence, could 
be expected to become members of the 
famous and powerful family of elected 
representatives—which would, perfectly 
naturally, make them wary and squeam- 

h and stingy with respect to all the 
other sorts of families th per- 
fectly naturally, subdivided mankind. 

Eliza and I, thinking as halves of a 
single genius, proposed that the Constitu- 
tion be amended so as to guarantee that 
every citizen, no matter how humble or 
crazy or incompetent or deformed, some- 
how be given membership in some fam- 
ily as covertly xenophobic and crafty as 
the one their public servants formed. 

Good for Eliza and mel 

Hiho. 


was 


CHAPTER 7 

How nice it would have been, especial- 
ly for Eliza, since she was a girl, if we 
had been ugly ducklings—if we had be- 
come beautiful by and by. But we sim- 
ply grew more preposterous with each 
sing day. 

There were a few advantages to being 
a male two and one quarter meters tall. I 
vas respected as a basketball player at 
prep school and college, ev. 1 
had very narrow shoulders and a voice 
like a piccolo, and not the first hints of 
a beard or pubic hair. Yes, and later on, 
after my voice had deepened and I ran 
as a candidate for Senator from Vermont, 
I was able to say on my billboards, Ir 
TAKES A BIG MAN TO DO A BIG JOB! 

But Eliza, who was exactly as tall as I 


was, could not expect to be welcomed 
There was uo conceivable con- 
ventional role for a female that could һе 
bent so as to accommodate а 12-fingered. 
1240ed, fournippled, Neanderthaloid 
half-genius—weighing one quintal and 


two and one quarter meters tall. 


There was a time in our childhood 
when we actually agreed that we were 
lucky not to be beautiful. We knew from 
all the romantic novels I'd read out loud 
in my squeaky voice, often with gestures, 
that beautiful people had their privacy 
destroyed by passionate strangers. 

We didn't want that to happen to us, 
since the two of us alone composed not 
only a single mind but a thoroughly 
populated universe. 


This much I must say about our ap- 
pearance, at least: Our clothing was the 
finest that money could buy. Our aston- 
ishing dimensions. which changed radi- 
cally almost from month to month, were 
mailed off regularly, in accordance with 
our parents’ instructions, to some of the 
finest tailors and cobblers and dressmak- 
ers and shirtmakers and haberdashers in 
the world. 

The practical nurses who dressed and 
undressed us took a childish delight, even 
though we never went anywhere, in cos- 
tuming us for imaginary social events for 
millionaires—for for horse 
shows, for skiing vacati tending 
classes at expensive prep schools, for ап 
evening of theater here in Manha 
and a supper afterward with lots of 
champagne. 

And so on, 

Hi ho. 


CHAPTER 8 

Until the eve of our 15th birth 
Eliza and I never heard anything 
about ourselves when we eavesdropped 
from the secret passageways. 

The servants were so used to us that 
they hardly ever mentioned us, even in 
moments of deepest privacy. Dr. Mott 
seldom commented on anything but our 
appetites and our excretions. And our 
parents were so sickened by us that they 
were tongue-tied when they made their 
annual space yoyage to our asteroid. Fa 
ther, I remember, would talk to Mether 
rather haltingly and lisuesly about 
world events he had read about in news- 
magazines. 

They would bring us toys from F. A. О. 
Schwarz—guaranteed by that emporium 
to be educational for three-year-olds. 

Hi ho. 


Yes, and I think now about all the 
secrets about the human condition I with- 
hold from young Mclody and Isadore, 
for their own peace of mind—the faa 
that the human afterlife is no good, and 
soon. 

And then I am awed yet again by the 


163 


PLAYBOY 


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perfect lulu of a secret that was concealed 
Írom Eliza and me for so long: that our 
own parents wished we would hurry up 
and die. 


We imagined lazily that our 15th birth- 
day would be like all the rest. We put 
on the show we had always put on. Our 
parents arrived at our suppertime, which 
was four in the afternoon. We would get 
our presents the next day. 

We threw food at cach other in our 
tilelined dining room. I hit Eliza w 
ап avocado. She hit me with a filet mi- 
gnon. We bounced Parker House rolls off 
the maid. We pretended not to know 
that our parents had arrived and were 
watching us through a crack in the door. 
nd then, still not having greeted 
our face to face, we were bathed 
and talcumed, and dressed in our paja- 
mas and bathrobes and bedroom slip- 
pers. Bedtime was at five, for Eliza and I 
pretended to sleep 16 hours a day. 

Our practical nurses, who were Oveta 
y Selwyn Kirk, told us 
s a wonderful surprise wait- 
ing for us in the library. 

We pretended to be gaga about what 
that surprise could possibly be. 

We were full-grown giants by then. 

I carried a rubber tugboat, which was 
supposedly my favorite toy. Eliza had a 
red-velvet ribbon in the mare’s-nest of 
her coal-black hair 


As always, there was a large coffee ta- 
ble between Eliza and me and our раг 
ents when we were brought in. As always, 
our parents had brandy to sip. As always, 
there was a fizzing, popping blaze of pine 
and sappy apple logs in the fireplace. As 
always, an oil painting of Professor Elihu 
Roosevelt Swain over the mantelpiece 
beamed down on the ritual scene. 

As always, our parents stood. ‘They 
smiled up at us with what we still did 
not recognize as bittersweet dread. 

As always, we pretended to find them 
adorable but not to remember who they 
were at first. 


As always, Father did the talking. 

“How do you do, Eliza and Wilbur?” 
he said. “You are looking very well. We 
are very glad to see you. Do you remem- 
ber who we are?” 
and I consulted with each other 
uneasily, drooling and murmuring in an- 
cient Greek. Eliza said to me in Greck, 1 
remember, that she could not believe that 
we were related to such pretty dolls. 

Father helped us out. He told us the 
name we had given him years ago. "I am 
Bluth lub,” he said. 

Eliza and I pretended to be flabber- 
gasted. “Bluthtuh!" we told each other. 
We could not believe our good fortune. 
“Bluth-luh! Bluth-Iuh 

"And this" said Father, indicating 
Mother, "is Mub-lul 


” we cried. 


This was even more sensational news 
to Eliza and me. “Mub-lub! Mub-ubl” 
we exclaimed. 

And now Eliza and I made a great in- 
tellectual leap, as always. Without any 
hints from anybody, we concluded that 
if our parents were in the house, then our. 
birthday must be close at hand. We 
chanted our idiot word for birthday, 
which was "Fuff-bay. 

As always, we pretended to become 
overexcited. We jumped up and down. 
We were so big by then that the floor 
began to go up and down like a tram- 
poline. 

But we suddenly stopped, pretending, 
as always, to have been rendered cata- 
tonic by more happiness than was good 
for us. 

"That was always the end of the show. 
Alter that, we were led away. 

Hi ho. 


CHAPTER 9 

We were put into custom-made cribs— 
in separate but adjacent bedrooms. The 
rooms were connected by a secret panel 
in the wall. The cribs were as big as rail- 
road flatcars. They made a terrible clatter 
when their sides were raised. 

Eliza and I pretended to fall asleep at 
once. After half an hour, however, we 
reunited in E 
ants never looked in on us. Our health 

vas perfect, after all, and we had estab- 
lished a reputation for being, as they s: 
s good as gold at bedtime. 
Yes, and we went through a trap door 
under s crib and were soon taking 
turns watching our parents in the li- 
brary—through а tiny hole we ourselves 
had drilled through the wall and through 
the upper corner of the frame around the 
ting of Professor Elihu Roosevelt 


were s room. The serv- 


Father was telling Mother of a thing 
he had read in a newsmagazine the 
day before. It seemed that scientists in 
the People's Republic of China were ex- 
perimenting with making human beings 
smaller, so they would not need to eat 


so much and wear such dothes. 

Mother was staring into the fire. Father 
had to tell her twice about the Chinese 
rumor. The second time he did it, she 
replied emptily that she supposed that 
the Chinese could accomplish just about 
anything they put their minds to. 

Only about a month before, the Chinese 
had sent 200 explorers to Mars—without 
using a space vehicle. 

No scientist in the Western world 
could guess how the trick was done. The 
Chinese themselves volunteered no de- 
tails. 


Mother said that it seemed like such 
a Jong time since Americans had discov- 
ered anything. "All of a sudden," she 


said, “everything is being discovered by 
the Chinese." 

“We used to discover everything,” she 
said. 

It was such a stupefied conversation. 
The level of animation was so low that 
our beautiful young parents from Man- 
hattan might have been up to their necks 
in honey. They appeared, as they had al- 
ways appeared to Eliza and me, to be 
under some curse that required them to 
speak only of matters that did not inter- 
est them at all. 

And, indeed, they were under a male- 
diction. But Eliza and I had not guessed 
its nature: that they were all but stran- 
gled and paralyzed by the wish that their 
own children would die. 

And I promise this about our parents, 
although the only proof I have is a feel- 
ing in my bones: Neither one had ever 
suggested in any way to the other that he 
or she wished we would die. 

Hi ho. 


But then there was a bang in the fire- 
place. Steam had to escape from a trap 
in a sappy log. 

Yes, and Mother, because she was a 
symphony of chemical reactions, like all 
other living things, gave a terrified shriek, 
Her chemicals ied that she shriek in 
response to the bang. 

After the chemicals got her to do that, 
though, they wanted а lot more from her. 
‘They thought it was high time she said 
what she really felt about Eliza and me, 
which she di All sorts of other things 
went haywire when she said it. Her 
hands dosed convulsively. Her spine 
buckled and her face shriveled to turn 
her into an old, old witch. 

"I hate them, I hate them, I hate 
them,” she said. 


у seconds passed before 
г said with spitting explicitness 
who it was she hated. 

“I hate Wilbur Rockefeller Swain and 
Eliza Mellon Swain,” she said. 


CHAPTER 10 

Mother was temporarily insane that 
night. 

I got to know her well in later years. 
And, while I never learned to love her, 
or to love anyone, for that matter, I 
did admire her unwavering decency to- 
ward one and all. She was not a mistress 
of insults. When she spoke either in pub- 
lic or in private, no reputations died. 

So it not truly our mother who 
said on the eve of our 15th birthday, 
‘How can 1 love Count Dracula and his 
blushing bride?"—mcaning Eliza and me. 

It was not truly our mother who asked 
our father, “How on earth did I ever give 


birth to a pair of drooling totem poles?" 
And so on. 
As for Father: He engulfed her in his 
arms. He was weeping with love and pity. 
"Caleb, oh, Caleb,” she said in his 
arms, “this isn't me. 
"Of course not," he said. 
"Forgive me,” she said. 
“Of course,” he s: 
"Will God ever forgive me?" she said. 
“Не already has," he said. 
"It was as though a devil all of a sud- 
den got inside of me,” she said. 
“That's what it was, Tish,” he said. 
Her madness was subsiding now. “Oh, 
Caleb,” she said. 


Lest I seem to be fishing for sympathy, 
let me say right now that Eliza and I in 
those days were about as emotionally vul- 
nerable as the Great Stone Face in New 
Hampshire. 

We needed a mother's and father's love 
about as much as a fish needs a bicycle, 
as the saying goes. 

So when our mother spoke badly of us, 
even wished we would die, our response 
was intellectual. We enjoyed solving 
problems. Perhaps Mother's problem was 
one we could solve—short of suicide, of 
course. 
She pulled herself together eventually. 
She steeled herself for another hundred 
birthdays with Eliza and me, in case God 
wished to test her in that way. But before 
she did that, she this: 

“1 would give anything, Caleb, for the 
faintest sign of intelligence, the merest 
flicker of humanness in the eyes of either 
twi 


This was easily arranged. 

Hi ho. 

So Eliza and I went back to Eliza's 
room and we painted a big sign on a bed 
sheet. Then, after our parents were 
sound asleep, we stole into their room 
through the false back in an armoire. We 
hung the sign on the wall, so it would 
be the first thing they saw when they 
woke ир. 

This 


what it said: 

DEAR MATER AND PATER: WE CAN NEV- 
ER BE PRETTY, BUT WE CAN ВЕ AS 
SMART OR AS DUMB AS THE WORLD 
REALLY WANTS US TO ВЕ. 

YOUR FAITHFUL SERVANTS, 
ELIZA MELLON SWAIN 
WILBUR ROCKEFELLER SWAIN 


Hi ho. 


CHAPTER 11 
Thus did Eliza and I destroy our 
paradise—our nation of two. 


We arose the next morning before our 
parents did, before the servants could 


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come to dress us. We sensed no danger. 
We supposed ourselves still to be in para- 
disc as we dressed ourselves. 

I chose to wear a conservative blue, 
pinstriped, three-piece suit, I remember. 
Eliza chose to wear a cashmere sweater, а 
tweed skirt and pearls. 

We agreed that Eliza should be our 
spokesman at first, since she had a rich 
alto voice. My voice did not have the 
authority to announce calmingly but 
convincingly that, in effect, the world 
had just turned upside down. 

Remember, please, that almost all that 
anyone had ever heard us say up to then 
was "Buh" and “Duh,” and so on. 

Now we encountered Oveta Cooper, 
one of our practical nurses, in the colon- 
naded green-marble foyer. She was star- 
Пей to sec us up and dressed. 

Before she could comment on this, 
though, Eliza and I leaned our heads to- 
gether, put them in actual contact, just 
above our ears. The single genius we 
composed thereby then spoke to Oveta 
in a's voice, which was as lovely as а 
viola 
his is what that yoice said: 

“Good morning, Oveta. A new life be- 
gins for all of us today. As you can see 
and hear, Wilbur and I are no longer 
idiots. A mirade has taken place over 
night. Our parents’ dreams have come 
tue. We are healed. 

“As for you, Oveta: You will keep your 
partment and your color television and 
perhaps even receive а salary increase— 
as a reward for all you did to make this 
miracle come to pass. No one on the staff 


will experience any change, except for 
this one: Life here will become even 
easier and more pleasant than it was 
before.” 

Oveta, a bleak Yankee dumpling, was 
hypnotized—like a rabbit that had met 
a rattlesnake. But Eliza and I were not 
a rattlesnake. With our heads together, 
we were one of the gentlest geniuses the 
world had ever known. 

“We will not be using the tiled dining 
room anymore,” said Eliza's voice. "We 
have lovely manners, as you shall see. 
Please have our breakfast served in the 
solarium and notify us when Mater and 
Pater are up and around. It would be 
very nice if, from now on, you would 
address my brother and me as Master 
Wilbur and Mistress Eliza. 

“You may go now and tell the others 
about the miracle. 

Oveta remained transfixed. I at last 
had to snap my fingers under her nose 
to wake her up. 

She curtsied. “As you wish, Mistress 
Eliza,” she said. And she went to spread 
the news. 


As we settled ourselves in the solarium, 
the rest of the staff straggled in humbly— 
to have a look at the young master and 
the young mistress we had become. 

We greeted them by their full names. 
We asked them friendly questions that 
indicated that we had a detailed under- 
standing of their lives. We apologized for 
having perhaps shocked some of them by 
changing so quickly. 

"We simply did not realize.” Eliza 


“Marge and Herb, it's your baby sitter. She wants to know if 
you allow the kids to watch ‘Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman.” 


said, “that anybody wanted us to be 
intelligent. 

We were by then so in charge of things 
that 1, too, dared to speak of important 
matters. My high voice wouldn't be silly 
anymore 

“With your cooper: 
will make this mansion famous for in- 
telligence as it has been infamous for 
idiocy in days gone by. Let the fences 
come down.” 

“Are there any questions?" said Е 

‘There were none. 

Somebody called Dr. Mott. 

Our mother did not come down to 
breakfast. She remained in bed, petrified. 
ather came down alone. He was wear- 
ing his night clothes. He had not shaved. 
Young as he was, he was palsicd and 
drawn. 

Eliza and 1 were puzzled that he did 
not look We hailed him not 
only in English but in several other lan- 
guages we knew. 

It was to one of these foreign saluta- 
tions that he responded at last. “Bon 
jour,” he said 

“Sit thee doon! Sit thee doon!” said 
a merrily. 

The poor man sat. 


El 


He was sick 
having allowed 
his own flesh and blood, to be tr 
like idiots for so long. 

Worse: His conscience and his ad 
had told him before that it was all right 
if he could not love us, since we were in- 
capable of deep fcelings and since there 
was nothing about us, objectively, that 
anyone in his right mind could love. But 
now it was his duty to love us, and he did 
k he could do it. 

He was horrified to discover what our 
mother knew she would discover if she 
came dow. telligence and 
itivity in monstrous bodies like Eliza's 
and mine merely made us more repulsive. 
was not Father's fault or Mother's 
fault. It was not anybody's fault, It was 
as natural as breathing to all human be- 
ings, and to all warm-blooded creatures, 
for that matter, to wish quick deaths for 
monsters, This was an instinct. 

And now Eliza and I had г; 
instinct to intolerable tragedy. 

Without knowing what we were doing, 
Eliza and I were putting the traditional 
curse of monsters on normal creatures. 
We were asking for respect. 


h guilt, of course, over 
intelligent human beings. 
ated 


ised that 


CHAPTER 12 
In rhe midst of all the excitement, 
Eliza and I allowed our heads to be sep- 
arated by several feet—so we were not 

king brilliantly anymore. 
We became dumb enough to think that. 
Father was merely sleepy. So we made 
him drink сойес and we tried to wake 


th 


s and riddles 


him up with some so 
we knew. 

I remember I asked him if he knew 
why cream was so much more expensive 


than milk. 

He mumbled that he didn’t know the 
answer. 

So Eliza told him, "It's because the 


cows hate to squat on the little bottles.” 

We laughed about that. We rolled on 
the floor. And then Eliza got up and 
stood over him, with her hands on her 
ips, and scolded him affectionately, as 
though he were a little boy. “Oh, whar 
a sleepyhead!" she said. “Oh, what a 
sleepyhead''* 

At that moment, Dr. Ste 
Mott arrived. 


rt Raw 


Although Dr. Mou had been told on 
the telephone about Eliza and my sudden 
metamorphosis, the day was like 
other day to him, seemingly. He said 
what he always said when he arrived at 
the mansion: “How is everybody today? 

І now spoke the first intelligent sen- 
tence Dr. Mott had ever heard from me. 
"Father won't wake up." I said. 

Won't he, now?" he replied. He re- 
warded the completeness of my sentence 
with the faintest of smiles. 

Dr. Mott was so unbelievably bland. 
fact, that he turned away from us to chat 
with Oveta Cooper. Her mother had ap 
parently been sick down in the hamlet. 
“Osveta,” he said, “you'll be pleased to 
know that your mother's temperature is 


angered by this casu 
and no doubt glad to find someone with 
whom he could be openly angry. 
“How long has this been going on 
tor?” he wanted to know. 
you known about their intelligence: 
Dr. Mott looked at his watch. 
* he said. 
the least sur 


doc 
ave 


How long hı 


ince 


about forty-two minutes ago, 
don't 


You seem in 
prised, 

Dr. Mott appeared to think this ov 
then he shrugged. "I'm certainly very 
happy Lor everybody,” he said. 

I think it was the fact that Dr. Mott 
himself did not look at all happy when 
he said that that caused Ei ind me to. 
put our heads together again. Something 
very queer was going on that we badly 
needed to understand. 


Our genius did not fail us. It allowed 
us to understand the truth of the situa- 
tion—that we were somehow more tragi 
than ever. 

But our genius, like all geniuses, su 
fered periodic fits of monumental naïveté. 
It did so now. It told us that all we had 
to do to make everything all right again 
was to return to idiocy. 

“Buh,” said Eliza. 

“Duh,” I said. 

T farted. 

Eliza drooled. 


ФМ. 


“For absolutely no reason whatsoever. I have 
this urge to cross the road!” 


1 picked up a buttered scone and threw 
it at the head of Oveta Cooper. 

Eliza turned 10 Father. “Bluthluh! 
she said. 


ay!” I cried. 
eather cried. 


CHAPTER 13 

Eliza and L were. of course, not allowed 
to return. to consolations of idiocy, We 
were bawled out severely whenever we 
tried. Yes, and the servants and our ра 
ents found one by-product of our me 
morphosis positively delicious: They were 
suddenly entitled to bawl us out. 

What hell we caught from time to 
time! 


Yes, and Dr. Mott was fired, and all 
sorts of experts were brought in. 

It was fun for a while. The first doc 
tors to arrive were specialists in hearts 
and lungs and kidneys, and so оп. When 
they studied us organ by organ and body 
fluid by body fluid, we were masterpieces 
of health. 

They were genial. They were all fam- 
ily employees, in a way. They were re- 
search people whose work was financed 
by the $ Foundation in New York. 
That was how they had been so easily 
rounded up and brought to Galen. The 
family ha 
help the 

They joshed us а lot. One of them, I 
remember, said to me that it must be fun 
to be so tall “What's the weather up 
there like?” he said, and so on. 

The joshing had a soothing effect. It 
gave us the mistaken impression that it 
did not matter how ugly we were. I still 
remember what an car, nose and throat 


list said when he looked up into 
аѕ enormous sinus cavities with a 
flashlight. “My God, nurse,” he said, “call 
up the National Geographic Socicty. We 
have just discovered a new entrance to 
Mammoth Cave! 

Eliza laughed. The nurse laughed. 1 
laughed. We all laughed. 

Our parents were in another part of 
the mansion. They kept away from all 
the fur 


That carly in the game, though, we 
had our first disturbing tastes of separa- 
ion. Some of the examinations required 
t we be several rooms apart. As the 


th 
distance between Eliza and me increased, 
1 felt as though my head were turning 


to wood. 

I became stupid and insecure. 

When I was reunited with Eliza, sh 
aid that she had felt very much the same 
sort of thing. “It was as ough my skull 
was filling up with maple syrup,” she 
said. 

And we bravely tried to be amused 

ather than frightened by the listless chil- 
dren we became when we were parted. 
We pretended they had nothing to do 
with us, and we made up names foi 
them, We called them Betty and Bobby 
Brown. 


Yes, and it was the last specialist to 
look us over, a psychologist, Dr. Cordelia 
Swain Cordiner, who decreed that Eliza 
па I should bc separated permanently, 
should, so to speak, become forever Betty 
and Bobby Brown. 


APTER 14 
Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoievsky, the 
novelist, said one time that “one 


167 


PLAYBOY 


168 


sacred memory from childhood is per- 
haps the best education." I can think of 
another quickie education for a child, 
which, in its way, is almost as salutary: 
mecting a human being who is tremen- 
dously respected by the adult world and 
realizing that that person is actually a 
malicious lunatic. 

‘That was Eliza and my experience with 
Dr. Cordelia Swain Cordiner, who was 
widely believed to be the greatest expert 
on psychological testing in the world— 
with the possible exception of China. 
Nobody knew what was going on in 
ch 


a anymore. 

I have an Encyclopaedia Britannica 
here in the lobby of the Empire State 
Building, which is the reason I am able 
to give Dostoieysky his middle name. 


Dr. Cordelia Swain Cordiner was in- 
bly impressive and gracious when in 
the presence of grownups. She was elab- 
ately dressed the whole time she was in 
the mansion—in high-heeled shoes and 
fancy dresses and jewelry. 

We heard her tell our parents one 
time: “Just because a woman has three 
doctor's degrees and heads а testing cor- 
poration that bills three million dollars a 
year, that doesn’t mean she can't be 
feminine 

When she got Eliza and me alone, 
though, she secthed with paran 
None of your tricks, no more of your 
snotty lile kid millios ks with 
me,” she would s 


And га and 1 hadn't done anything 
wrong. 
She was so enraged by how much mon- 


cy and power our family had, and so 
sick, that I don't think she even noticed 
how huge and ugly Eliza and I were. We 
were just two more rouen-spoiled little 
rich kids to her. 

“I wasn't born with any silver spoon 
in my mouth,” she told us, not once but 
y times. "Many was the day we didn’t 
know where the next meal was coming 
she said. “Have you any idea what 


said Dr. Cordiner, 


And so on. 


Since she was paranoid, it was especial- 
ly unfortunate that her middle name was 
the same as our last name. 
"m not your sweet Aunt Cordeli 
she would say. "You needn't worry your 
little aristocratic brains about that. When 
my grandfather came from Poland, he 
changed his name from Stankowitz to 
Swain.” Her eyes were blazing, "Say 
'Stankowitz 

We said it. 


“Now say ‘Swain, " she said. 

We did. 

And finally one of us asked her what 
she was so mad about. 

This made her very calm. "I am not 
mad," she said. “It would be very unpro- 
fessional for me to ever get mad about 
anything. However, let me say that asking 
a person of my caliber to come all this 
distance into the wilderness to personally 
administer tests to only two children is 
ke asking Mozart to tune a piano. It is 
like asking Albert Einstein to balance a 
checkbook. Am I getting through to you, 
“Mistress Eliza and Master Wilbur,” as I 
believe yon are called?" 

“Then why did you come?” I asked her. 

Her rage came out into the open a 
She said this to me with all possible nas- 
tiness: “Because money talks, Little Lord 
Fauntleroy.” 


We were further shocked when we 
learned that she meant to administer 
tests to us separately. We said innocently 
that we would get many more correct 
answers if we were allowed to put our 
heads together. 

She became a tower of irony. "Why, of 
coursc, Master and Mistress" she said. 
“And wouldn't you like to have an en- 
cyclopedia in the room with you, too, and 
maybe the faculty of Harvard University, 
to tell you the answers, in case you're 
not sure? 

“That would be nice," we sa 

“In case nobody has told you,” she 
said. “this is the United States of Amer 
ca, where nobody has a right to rely on 
nybody else—where everybody learns to 
make his or her own way. 

"I'm here to test you," she said. "but 
there's a basic rule for life I'd like to 
teach you, too, and you'll thank me for it. 
in ycars to come. 

This was the lesson 
noe,” she said. “С: 
remember it?” 

Not only could I say it but I remember 
it to this dı Paddle your own canoe." 

Hiho. 


“Paddle your own 
п you say that and 


So we paddled our own canocs. We 
were tested as individuals at the stainless- 
steel table in the tilelined dining room. 
When one of us was in there with Dr. Cor- 
diner, with "Aunt Cordelia," as we came 
to call her in private, the other one was 
taken as far away as possible—to the ball- 
room at tlie top of the tower at the north 
end of thc mansion. 

Withers Witherspoon had the job of 
watching whichever one of us was in the 
ballroom. He was chosen for the job 
because he had been а soldier at one 
time, We heard “Aunt Cordelia’s” in- 
structions to him. She asked him to be 
alert to clues that Eliza and I were com- 
municating telepathically. 

Western science, with a few clues from 
the Chinese, had at last acknowledged 


u some people could communicate 
with certain others without visible or au- 
dible signals. The transmitters and re- 
ceivers for such spooky messages were on 
the surfaces of sinus cavities, and those 
cay had to be healthy and clear of ab- 
structions. 

The chief clue that the Chinese gave 
the West was this puzzling sentence, de- 
livered in English, which took years to 
decipher: “I feel so lonesome when I get 
hay fever or a cold. 

Hiho. 


Well, mental telepathy was useless to 
Eliza and me over distances greater than 
three meters. With one of us in the 
nd the other in the ball- 
well have been 
h is, in fact, 


dining room 
room, our bodies migh 
on different planets —whi 
their condition today. 

Oh. sure—and I could take written 

examinations, but Eliza could not. When 
“Aunt Cordelia” tested Eliza, she had to 
read each question out loud to her and 
then write down her answer. 
And it seemed to us that we missed 
absolutely every question. But we must 
have answered a few correctly, for Dr. 
Cordiner reported to our parents that 
our intelligence was “low normal for 
their age. 

She said further, not know 
were cavesdropping, that Е 
probably never learn to read or write 
and, hence, could never be a voter or 
hold a driver's license. She tried to soften 


g that we 
а would 


serious boy. 
scatterbrained sister. He reads and writes 
but has a poor comprehension of the 
meanings of words and sentences. If he 
were separated from his sister, there is 
every reason to believe that he could be- 
come a fillingstation attendant or a jai 
tor їп а village school. His prospects for 
happy and useful life in a rural area are 
fair to good.” 


The People's Republic of China was 
at that very moment secretly cr 
literally millions upon millions of gen- 
iuses—by teaching pairs or small groups 
of congenial, telepathically compatible 
specialists to think as single minds. And 
those patchwork minds were the equals 
of Sir Isaac Newton's or William Shake- 
spcare's, say. 

Oh, yes—and long before I became 
President of the United States of Amer- 
a, the Chinese had begun to combine 
those synthetic minds into intellects so 
flabbergasting that the universe itself 
scemed to be saying to them, "I await 
your instructions. You can be anything 
you want to be. I will be anything you 
want me to be.” 

Hi ho. 


I learned about this Chinese scheme 
long alter Eliza dicd and long after I 


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PLAYBOY 


170 


lost all my authority as President of the 
United © s of America. There was 
nothing I could do with such knowledge 
by then. 

One thing amused me, though: I was 
told that poor old Western civilization 
had provided the Chinese the inspi 
10 put together such synthetic gei 
The Chinese got the idea from 
American and European scientists who 
put their heads together during the Sec- 
ond World War, with the singleminded 
intention of creating an atomic bomb. 

Hi ho. 


CHAPTER 15 

Our poor parents had first bel 
that we were idiots. They had tried to 
adapt to that. Then they had believed 
that we were geniuses. They had tried 
to adapt to that. Now they were told that 
we were dull normals, and they were 
trying to adapt to that. 

As Eliza and I watched through peep- 
holes, they made a pitiful and foghound 
plea for help. They asked Dr. Cordeli 
Swain Cordiner how they were to har- 
monize our dullness with the fact that 
we could converse so learnedly on so 
many subjects in so many languages. 

Dr. Cordiner was razor keen to en- 
lighten them on just this point. “The 
world is full of people who are very 
clever ing much smarter than 
they really are," she said. “They dazzle 
us with facts and quotations and foreign 
words, and so on, whereas the truth is 
that they know almost nothing of use in 
life as it is really lived. My purpose is 
to detect such people—so that society can 
be protected from them and so they can 
be protected from themselves. 


at scen 


"Your Eliza is а perfect example,” she 
went on. "She has lectured to me on 
economics and astronomy and music and 


every other subject you can think of, 
and yet she can neither read nor write, 
nor will she ever be able to. 


She said that our case was not a sad 


on 


nce there were no big jobs we 
wished to hold. “They have almost no 
ambition at all" she said, "so life can't 
disappoint them. They want only that 
life as they have known it should go оп 
forever, which is impossible, of course." 
ather nodded sadly. “And the boy is 
the smarter of the two?” 

"To the extent he can read and write,” 
said Dr. Cordiner. "He isn't nearly as 
socially outgoing as his sister. When he 
is away from her, he becomes as silent as 
а tomb. 

“I suggest that hé be sent to some 
special school, which won't be too de 
manding academically or too threatening 
socially, where he can learn to paddle 
his own canoe. 

“Do what?” said Father. 


Dr. Cordiner told 1 
his own canoe,” she said. 
and I should li 
through the wall at 
have entered the libr: 


ve kicked our way 
that. point—should 
y ragingly, in an 
explosion of plaster and lath. 

But we had sense enough to know that 
our power to eavesdrop at will was one 
of the few advantages we had. So we 
stole back to our bedrooms, and then 
burst into the corridor and went running 
down the front stairs and across the 
foyer and into the library, doing some- 
thing we had never done before. We 
were sobbing. 

We announced that if anybody tried 
to part us, we would Kill ourselves. 

Dr. Cordiner laughed at this. She told 
our parents that several of the questions 
in her tests were designed to detect sui- 
cidal tendencies. “I absolutely guarantee 
you,” she said, “that the last thing either 
one of these two would do would be to 
commit suicide.” 

Her saying this so jovially was a tactical 
mistake on her part, for it caused some- 
thing in Mother to snap. The atmosphere 
п the room became clectrified as Mother 
stopped being a weak and polite and 
credulous doll. 

Mother did not say anything at first. 
But she had clearly become subhuman 
in the finest sense. She was a coiled 
female panther, suddenly willing to tear 
the throats out of any number of child. 
rearing experts—in defense of her young. 

It was the one and only time that she 
would ever be irrationa 


Eliza and I sensed this sudden jungle 
alliance telepathically, 1 think. At a 
e. 1 remember that the damp velvet 
linings of my sinus cavities were tingling 
with encouragement. 

We left off our crying, which we were no 
good at doing, anyway. Yes, and we made 
а clear demand that could be satisfied at 
once. We asked to be tested for intelli- 
gence again—as a pair this time. 

“We want to show you,” I said, “how 
glorious we are when we work together, 
so that nobody will ever talk about t- 
ing us again.” 


We spoke carefully. I explained who 
Betty and Bobby Brown were. I 
agreed that they were stupid. I said we 


had had no experience with hating and 
had had trouble understanding that par- 
ticular hum tivity whenever we en- 
countered it in books. 

“But we are making small beginnings 
in hating now,” said Eliza. “Our hating 
is strictly limited at this point—to only 
two people in this universe: to Betty and 
Bobby Brown." 


Dr. Cordiner, as it turned out, was a 
coward, among other th Like so 
many cowards, she chose to go on bully- 


the worst possible time. She jecred 
nd my request. 

“What kind of a world do you t 
this is?" she said, and so on. 

So Mother got up and went over to her, 
not touching her, and not looking her in 
the eyes, either. Mother spoke to her 
throat and, in a tone between a purr and 
a growl, she called Dr. Cordiner an 
"overdressed little sparrow-fart." 


CHAPTER 16 

So Eliza and I were retested—as а pair 
this time. We sat side by side at the stai 
ble in the tiled dining room. 

We were so happy! 

A depersonalized Dr. Cordelia Swain 
Cordiner administered the tests likc a 
robot, while our parents looked on. She 
had furnished us with new tests, so that 
the challenges would all be fresh. 

Before we began, Eliza said to Mother 
and Father, "We promise to answer every 
question correctly. 

Which we did. 


What were the questions like? Well. I 
was poking around the ruins of a school 
on 46th Street yesterday and I was lucky 
enough to find a whole batch of intel 
gence tests, all set to go. 

1 quote 

“A man purchased 100 shares of stock 
at five dollars a share. If each share rose 
ten cents the first month, decreased cight 
cents the second month and gained three 
cents the third month, what was the value 
of the man's investment at the end of 
the third month’ 


“A yellow tulip viewed through a piece 
of blue glass looks what colo 

Or this 

“Why does the Little Dipper appear to 
turn about the North Star once a day; 

Or this: 

"Astronomy is to geology as stecple jack 
is to wh. 

And so on. Hi ho. 


We made good on Eliza's promise of 

perfection, as 1 have said. 
The only trouble was that the two of 
us, in the innocent process of checking 
and rechecking our answers, wound up 
under the table—with our legs wrapped 
around cach other's necks і 
grips and snorting and snufi 
cach other's crotches. 

When we regained our chairs, Dr. 
Cordelia Swain Cordiner had fainted and. 
our parents were gone. 

At ten o'clock the next morning, I 
was taken by automobile to a school for 
severely disturbed children on Cape Cod. 


PRIZE WINNERS 


(continued from page 95) 
Guild holds a shake-off annually. and 
similar contests take place in about 30 
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Only the best of the best, culled from 
dozens of bartenders’ competitions, are 
included here. This v. 
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If you're wondering about inside tips 
or secret ingredients, there aren't any— 
although one wily veteran says he gauges 
the taste partiality of the judging panel 
and slants his entry accordingly. Success- 
ful competitors agree that balance is the 
prime requisite of a fine drink. They 
m for a harmony of flavors i 
igle ingredient dominates. 
Amateur mixologists inclined to create 
own prize winners should heed the 

les J. 
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Shake with lots of ice. Pour unstrained 
into highball glass. sh with sprig of 
mint, red cherry, pineapple slice and 
American flag. (Look at what you started, 
George Foreman!) 


BLUE HAZE 


Finalist in same competition, Nick 
Zongas, Boomerang Bar, Melbourne, 
Australia. 

1 oz. light rum 

1 teaspoon Parfait Amour 

2 teaspoons dry vermouth 

2 drops Cointreau 

1 drop blue curagao 

Shake briskly with ice. Strain into 
cocktail glass. 


MALLORCA 


International Cocktail Competition, 

de Mallorca (1967). First prize, 
Enrique Bastante, Madrid. 

1 02. light rum 

2 teaspoons dry vermouth 

2 teaspoons crème de banana 

2 teaspoons Drambuie 

Shake briskly with ice. $ 
cocktail glass. 


ain into 


BEST YEAR 


United States Bartenders! Guild Long 
Drink Contest (1975). First prize, Valerio 
"Bobby" Batugo, Tip's Valencia, Valen- 
alifornia. 

4 ozs. vodka 

М oz. Licor 43 

pz. blue спасао 

zs. pineapple juice 

"s Lime Juice 

ke with ice. a into tall glass 
over fresh ice. Garnish with lime slicc. 


DOLCE VITA 


Runner-up in same competition, John 
A. Rettino, La Dolce Vita, California. 

1 oz. dark rum 

1 oz. pineapple juice 

114 ozs. orange juice 

Dash orgeat syrup 

Dash maraschino syrup 
train over fresh ice 
ball glass. Garnish with orange 


VELVET KISS 


3uild Cock- 
t prize, Al 


United States Bartenders” 
tail Championship (1974). F 
Repetty, La Brique, California. 

1 oz. gin 
Y4 oz. crème de banana 
oz. pineapple juice 

1 oz. halEand-halE 

Dash grenadine 

Shake briskly with ice. Strain into 
cocktail glass. Garnish with cherry. 


ROGER 


Concours Européan de Cocktails, 
Grand Prix de Paris (1975). First prize, 
Mauro Lotti, Le Grand Hotel, Rome. 


1 oz. dry vermouth 

1 oz. rum—gold or amber 

% oz. Campari 

əz, Galliano 

ke well with ice. Strain into cock- 
tail glass or over ice cubes in old fashioned 
glass. Garnish with orange twist. 


FAVORY 


Finalist in same competition, Daniel 
Pion, Loew's Monte Carlo. 

Dash strawberry syrup 

14 oz lime juice 

114 ozs. tequila 

Y4 oz. Chartreuse Orange (or 114 tea 
spoons Green Chartreuse and 1 

tablespoon orange juice) 

1⁄4 oz. Galliano 

Light splash bitter lemon 

Moisten rim of large cocktail or sour 
glass with strawberry syrup. Swirl in su- 
perfne sugar. Tap off excess and set 
aside. Shake all ingredients but bitter 
lemon with ice. Strain into prepared 
Blas. Add bitter lemon and limepeel 
spiral 


STEFANIA 
Finalist, First Annual A.LB.E.S. Con 
test, Italian Association of Barmen 


(1975). 

1 oz. Italian dry white wine 

1 oz. Italian brandy 

Loz. orange juice 

1⁄4 teaspoon tangerine liqueur 

Brut spumante 

Shake first four ingredients briskly 
with ice. Strain into wineglass. ЕШ with 
spumante. Stir once. 


RUSSIAN GARDEN 


alist, same competition. 

1 oz. vodka 

% oz. lemon juice 

%4 teaspoon white aème de menthe 

114, ozs. Italian dry white wine 

Shake with icc. Strain into small cham- 
pagne flute glass. Garnish with orange 
twist. 


TAK 


Finalist, Cocktails Competition, Bar- 
tenders’ Union, Helsinki (1965). 
1 oz. Polish vodka 
34 oz. Dubonnet 
oz. Cointreau 
sh Angostura bitters 
е briskly with ice. Strain into 


Sha 
cocktail glass. Garnish with small orange 
slice. 


TOM'S DREAM 


National Mixed Drink Competition— 
sponsored by Early Times (1968). First 
prize, Yom Fleming, Beverly Hills Hotel, 
California. 

This drink was so well liked that Early 
Times packaged it as a dry mix—renam- 
ing it The Pussycat! 


144 ozs. bourbon 

2 ozs. orange juice 

16 oz. lemon juice 

% oz. orgeat syrup 

Dash simple syrup (sugar syrup) 

JA cup crushed ice 

Mint sprig 

Whirl all ingredients except mint in 
chilled blender container. Strain into 
7-02. glass. Garnish with mint. 


"THE PARASOL 


Best of the Bar Contest—sponsored by 
Resort magazine (1969). First prize, 
Fountain Valley, St. Croix. 

1% ozs. gold rum 

1%, ozs. dark rum 

134 ozs. lime juice 

1% ozs. tamarind juice 

134 ozs. Coco López 

14 oz. créme de cacao 

Shake with ice. Serve in bamboo sec- 
tion. Lacking that, a tall glass will do. 


PLANTATION PUNCH 


Runncrup in same competition, Ca- 
neel Bay Plantation. 

1 oz. 151-proof rum 

1 oz. gold rum 

144 ozs. Demerara rum 

1 oz. lime juice 

1 oz. orange juice 

% oz. sugar syrup 

Dash Angostura bitters 

Stir all ingredients with cracked ice. 
Serve in large glass mug or tall glass. 


BANANA'S BREEZE 


California Bartenders’ Guild Cocktail 
Competition (1970). First prize, José 
Ruiseco. 

1 oz. California brandy 

Y, oz. apricot-flavored brandy 

¥, oz. crème de banana 

114 ozs. orange juice 

Y oz. sweet-and-sour lemon juice 

3 drops Frothee 

Shake briskly with ice. Strain into 
cocktail glass. Garnish with orange-peel 
twist. 


AFRICAN QUEEN 


California Bartender? Guild Cocktail 
Competition (1963). Finalist, Chris Buch- 
ner, Harrah's, Lake Tahoe. 

1 oz. vodka 

2 teaspoons dark crème de cacao 

1 teaspoon Green Chartreuse 

Juice 1/ lime 

Shake briskly with ice. Strain into cock- 
tail glass. Garnish with lime slice. 


GOLDEN AMBER, 


California Bartenders’ Guild Cocktail 
Competition (1962). First prize, LeRoy 
Charon, Marineland. 

114 ozs. Demerara rum. 

Y oz. orange juice 

V; 07. pineapple juice 

% oz. orgeat syrup 

Shake briskly with cracked ice. Strain 


into prechilled champagne glass. Garnish 
with pineapple cube. 


AMBASSADOR FIZZ 


Brunchfest-West—sponsored by Smir- 
nofi. Most Unusual Drink, Nick Kotso- 
nas, Ambassador Hotel, Los Angeles. 

1% ozs. vodka 

914 ozs. half-and-half, chilled 

214 ozs. orange juice, chilled 

114 ozs. pineapple juice, chilled 

legg 

1 teaspoon sugar 

1⁄4 cup crushed ice 

16 oz. apricot-flavored brandy 

Prechill blender container. Blend all 
ingredients except brandy. Pour into 
14-oz. collins glass. Float brandy on top. 

‘THE KICKOFF 

College Alumni Football Brunchfest— 
sponsored by Smirnoff. Princeton vs. 
University of Pennsylvania. Winner, 
Princeton. 

114 оз. vodka 

1 oz. orange flavored brandy 

1 oz. orange juice 

Dash Angostura bitters 

1⁄4 teaspoon sugar 

2 ozs. champagne 
е all ingredients except cham- 
pagne briskly with ice. Strain into large 
old fashioned glass. Add champagne. Stir 
once. Garnish with small black olive— 
and hold 'em, Tiger. 


YOUNG FASHION 


National Mixed Drink Competition. 
sponsored by Early Times (1968). Final- 
ist, Robert Ferullo, River Club, Jack 
sonville, Florida. 

2 ozs. bourbon 

Y4 oz. orange curaca 

2 dashes Angostura bitters 


ice. Strain over fresh ice in old fashioned 
glass. Add soda to taste. Stir once. Саг- 
nish with cherry and orange slice. 


TEARDROP 


National Mixed Drink Competition— 
sponsored by Early Times (1970). Sec- 
ond prize, John W. Chop, Dales Secret 
Harbor, Los Angeles. 

1 oz. bourbon 

% oz. crème de banana 

1 oz. triple sec 

1 oz. sweetand-sour lemon juice 

11⁄4 ozs. crushed ice 

Whirl all ingredients in blender. Strain 
into large cocktail glass. Garnish with 
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(continued from page 121) 
property are violating the law. Students 
denied grades or credit on any grounds. 
not purely academic should immediately 
open the phone book to Attorneys. 
“I . . . you can prove that the teacher 
was acting arbitrarily ог... for reasons 
unrelated to the quality of your work, 
you have a chance of winning in 
court,"—A.G.LU.'s The Rights of Stu- 
denis. The Supreme Courts recent 
decision that students can sue school per- 
sonnel for handsome damages makes it all 
the more interesting. 

Most signifiant, though, is the cur- 
rent tendency of student consumers to 
question the product itself. What is 
sociology, for example, and what is merely 
teacher opinion? For that matter, is it 
possible to literally "get your money's 
worth” from the likes of Renaissance 
Poetry? Courts have recognized that the 
right to pursue prosperity includes 
the right to enough. education to do so. 
Ergo, a lousy education is no education, 
and anyone paying for such a thing has 
been tak 

Indeed, many proprietary/ vocational 
schools, such as career academies and 
diesel-truck-drivers' schools, have had the 


Federal "Trade Commission all over them 
for making lofty, unsubstantiated educa- 


ing for existing jobs and salable skills. 
The university makes no such overt 
aims, but they're generally presumed by 
everyone involved. The FTC has spe- 
cifically charged naughty P/V schools 
with not providing accessible instructors 
or sufficient experience to qualify the 
graduate. The resemblance to many col- 
ge programs is enough to keep a chancel- 
lor up nights, especially since the P/V 
crowd must now supply dropout rates, 
placement figures and salary ranges: proof 
of worth. Univer: shudder at the idea 
of having to publish such data where the 
public can see it, but doesn’t the taxpayer 
have the rights of an unrequited disc 
jockey or teamster? 

Yes, says Duke law profesor and 
contract-law savant William Van Alstyne, 
among others. "Contract law applies when 
colleges don't furnish what they prom- 
ise"—an idea not lost on students, as the 
College Press Service's Diane Auerback 
notes: "Claiming that their college catalog 
constitutes a valid contract between. stu- 
dent and university, they've sued their 
schools for breach of contract.” 

A teenager sues the San Francisco 
Unified School District for negligence for 
graduating him from high school at a 
fifth-grade reading level, thus withholding 
skills vital to his economic future. A Ph.D. 


candidate goes after Amcrican University 
for $650,000 for killing his major pro- 
gram and giving him inept advisors. А 
George Washington. University student 
says her landscapearchitecture program 
consists mostly of tracing and goes to court 
for a $900 refund. A Syracuse philosophy 
graduate student says that nonphiloso- 
phers teach philosophy courses totally 
unlike the catalog descriptions and wants 
his $4000 back, and tells a judge so. Пепе 
lanniello sues the University of Bridge- 
port for subjecting her to a business- 
teaching course she calls "worthless: 

Universities have hardly lain down and 
played dead in the face of this. In 
few students can afford to go to the mat 
against the sheer mass of the schools’ legal 
weaponry, which, says breach-of-contract 
attorney Robert Powell, "can take any 
stand against а student and then 
expense him to death in legal fee 
Syracuse answered its philosopher with a 
$10,000 countersuit and Mrs. Ianniello had 
to scour New England for a lawyer—even 
the A. U. shied from her case. 

The universities argue that а catalog 
isn’t a legal contract to be taken literally 
and that the doctrine of substantial per- 
formance obliges them only to give your 
education the old college try- But under- 
lying all of tliis is the question of 
who finally determines “academic quality’ 
and the contents of the educational prod- 
uct—students, courts or the educational 
establishment, So far, few suits have chal- 
lenged the schools’ unstated right to decide 
what and how students will be taught, nor 
are judges cager to usurp it. But, notes 
College Press Service writer Neil Klotz, 
"the concept of students as consumers has 
arisen only because students found 
that... they were academic sharecrop- 
pers producing what industry and gov- 
ernment told them was socially useful.” 

Even the National Education Associ 
tion concedes that “as other institutions 
exist to serve their clients, schools at all 
levels exist so that people atiending them 
a le ..- Students therefore have the 
right to substantial influence over the 
educational program," meaning every- 
thing from basic goals to grading methods. 
The A.C.L.U. minces no words: “You 
should demand whatever type of educa- 
tion you want.” 

In the immediate future, look for stu- 
dents’ swarming back to activism against 
a new Goliath—inflation. A goldfish could 
barely get through college on $12,000, 
and tuition hikes and budget cuts have 
produced the widest outbreak of unruly 
campus confrontations since the Vietnam. 
war. 

But this time, worry the schools, general 
public sympathy just may be with the 
student—not as hairy bum but as fellow 


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GIRLS OF WASHINGION 


models, or maybe they do nothing. 
But in Washington, they all seem to have 
a carcer, a goal. 


Hardly n unpacked his Hassel- 
blad and announced his whercabouts 
than his phone heated up. “I was 


scheduling them every 15 minutes,” re- 
members Chan, who worked 12-hour d 
tto the capital. 
found, is literally 


ington Center for Metropolitan St 
tells us there 100 single, widowed, 
divorced апа зер s between 
the ages of 20 and 34 in the greater met- 
ropolitan arca—the equivalent. of the en- 
tire population of Hartford, Connecticut, 
springfield, Massachusetts. 
Like all the world’s great capitals— 
Vienna, Rome—ours 
exerts an apparently irresistible attrac- 
tion not only for the country's best and 
brightest but also for its most beautiful. 
n ever before, politics in Amer- 
is showbiz, Just look at what Robert 
Redford is doing these i 
around the country on film as 
Woodward in All the President’ 


р as 
limelight. 


e; 


n's Rose M 
example) see their names 
lights. Senator Sam Ervin, flappy-jowled 
and 77, becime a cult figure. Her 
Kissinger, short, nearsighted and given to 
a slight paunch, is, believe it or not, a 
sex symbol. The girls of Washington 
follow the spotlight, trekking to Capitol 
Hill and Pennsylvania Avenue the way 
they used to patrol the theater district off 
Broadway or line up before the studio 
gates in Hollywood. Alter the gala world 
premiere of All the President's. Men at 
the elegant new Kennedy Center for the 
Performing Arts last spring, Washington 
began to be called Hollywood East. 
None less than pop pioneer Andy War- 
hol descended from smuggest Manhattan 
10 proclaim the people of Washington 
"so attractive, so good-looking. . . . All 
the people who should have gone into 
the movies are coming h 
The ladies come from everywhere. You 
hear Мі 
see the colorations of Minnesota, Miami 
and Malibu Beach; you sense the com 
mingling of the American melting pot— 
German, French, Irish, African, Chinese, 
English, an, Middle 
Eastern, Greck, Russian. The Washing- 
ton female is light and dark, tll and 
short, Northern, Southern, Eastern, West- 
егп, and yet peculiarly Washingtonian. 
Most of all, the Washington girl is a 


vest and magnolia accents; you 


(continued from page 123) 
working girl. Government jobs dominate 
the field—from secretaries in Congress to 
computersystems analysts at the Control 
Institute. But she does everything— 
itressing in а French restaurant 
or writing legislation that affects your 
corner lunch counter. She may be a lawyer, 
a legal secretary, a Congresswoman, a 
commercial artist, a television researcher. 
a picture editor at National Geographic, 
an accountant, a lobbyist. Or she may be 
а coed: 22,000 of them are full-time stu 
dents at area colleges, from the hug 
University of Maryland in College Park 
то tiny Mount Vernon College on fancy 
Foxhall Road, where Susan Ford goes to 
school. 

Of course, the 19 ladies you see on 
these pages were attracted. to the capital 


for widely varying reasons. You know 
F beth y from her celcbrated career 
as a Congressman's mistress 
of the new book The Washington Fringe 
Benefit. She was a buxom blonde beauty 
from North Carolina who pursued masc 
political power with the most 
aditional of a woman's skills—and ap- 
arently got what she was looking for. 
Raisa Scriabine, 96, is esque blonde 


st 


in Germany of Russian parents who emi 
grated to the U.S. The third cousin of 
Rusian composer Alexander Scriabi 
Raisa is now the U.S. Department of 
the Interiors translator for 
Soviet-American wildlife preservati 
projects, and no wonder: She speaks 
Russian, German, French, 
She translates for all 


“Charles!” 


175 


PLAYBOY 


and even helped one team of Russian 
scientists capture 40 musk oxen i 

Alaska last year. Кайа has a weekly 
radio program on ecology and when this 
was written, she was in Moscow, transl 
ing for a team of visiting U. S. environ- 
menial officials. Though she does not 


speak Chinese, Raisa obviously had no 
trouble communicating with Chinese- 


Canadian rravmoy Staff Photographer 
Chan. "She was fabulous," he sajs. "One 
of the most intelligent women I ever 
photographed." Raisa says she 
suous, honest men “with or 
telligence and masculine gentleness.” 

FLAyBoY Stylist Chris Bartholome, who 
assisted Chan during the shootings, also 
oticed a difference: “Washington is the 
kind of city where, if you're pretty, you've 
also got to have a brain. Someone with 
political power doesn’t want a dumb 
broad on his arm who might come out 
with an inappropriate comment at an 
embassy dinner.” 

Bartholome—herself a single woman— 
talked with almost 100 girls of Wash- 
ington while helping them prepare for 
the photo sessions. “They told me the 
Watergate publicity had showed them 
there really were a lot of powerful and 
wealthy men in Washington,” she says. 
And many revealed to her a secret long- 
ing to shatter Washington's reputation as 
the capital of practiced boredom and 
stuffy conservatism. “A lot of the girls 
were excited about giving people a little 
remembers Chu “They said, 
t till the guys back at the office 
hey think I'm so strait-laced 
and staid’ " In some cases, alas, the guys 
at the office won't see anything: Two 
women who work for the CIA and one 
in the Justice Department were threat- 
ened h the loss of their jobs if they 
went through with their final shootings 
with PLAYBOY. 

"In a way, everybody there is very 
tired of politics," says Chan. "They want 
to break out into something different. 
When they found out PLAYBOY was in 
town, a lot of people saw it as a chance 
for a change, a little excitement. They 
made us celebrities everywhere we went. 
Washington really opened its arms and 
hearts to us." Its homes, too: Several 
Washingtonians offered gorgeous digs as 
settings for the photo sessions. Promi- 
nent hairdresser Jean-Pierre Sarfati gave 
Chan the keys to his fourstory French- 
style mansion in Georgetown, where the 
pictures of Valerie Ashley and Candace 
Kruse were shot. A few months later, 
none other than Washington Post re- 
porter Bob Woodward bought the house. 

In spring and summer, Washington's 
leafy parks and broad avenues make the 
city a bird watcher's paradise—especially 
at lunchi s the noon hour in 
stately Lafayette Park opposite the White 
House and you'll believe. Said one awe- 
struck fellow, gawking at the stunning 


176 female brown baggcrs there: “They must 


fly them in for lunch.” Washington is 
also the quintessential cafeteria town; 
and if you have a Government LD., the 
best one around the New Executive 
Office Building. More accessible are Kay's 
andwich Shoppe. The House of Roth- 
schild and the Senate cafeterias—all 
jammed with lovely ladies from 12 noon 
until two o'clock. 

Look around on Capitol Hill, overrun 
with attractive administrative and legis- 
lative aides, receptionists and interns 
from the 50 states who are gaining experi- 
ence (all kinds. we hear) in the offices of 
their Representative or Senator. Nothing 
in Washington impresses quite like 

But familiarity with the city’s 
game—politics—puts the Washing- 
ton girl slightly on the defensive at first 
aintance. She doesn’t buy lines 
casily, but once she warms up, you'll find 
her as friendly and liberated as her 
counterparts from the golden West with 
thc permanent all-over tans. 

"The Washington girl's carcer is impor- 
tant and probably the main reason she 
came to the capital. In the Sixties, she 
might have come for The Cause; in 
the Seventies, it's for The Challenge. Now 
that she no longer gets gassed on the 
Mall by John Mitchell's SS, she is prob- 
ably working for passage of the Equal 
Rights Amendment. She is usually up 
on whats happeni £—perhaps a strip- 
mining bill coming out of committee, a 
new exhibit at the Renwick Gallery or 
the Redskins’ strategy for the following 
friends who are up 
gs. too. Bright. informed and 
beautiful, the new! ed Washing- 
т may not move immediately into 
the old-guard drawing rooms of George- 
town, but she can often be found at Em- 
bassy Row soirees and National Day lawn 
parties, which are easier to crash than 
the P.T.A. picnic in Peoria. 

At night, action focuses on the neigh- 
borhood near 19th and M streets, N.W., 
and Dupont Circle, which has Rocky 
Racoon (Tex-Mex menu and music of 
the folkrockcountry variety, Bixby's 
Warehouse (the new owners are prom- 

axwell's Plum of a place), Har- 
old's Rogue & Jar (with its rotating roster 
of jazz) and The Childe Harold (a bar 
with blues and sometimes bluegrass). 
Avenue, S.E., on 
apitol Hill, orkers throng a 
saloon called Jenkins Hill (that’s the real 
name of Capitol Hill), the wk'n Dove, 
Duddington’s, Mike Palm's Restaurant 
and, near Georgetown University Law 
Center a few blocks away, The Chancery. 
fhe naughtiest neighborhood is the 
14th Street strip, but wise men avoid it. 
(Wilbur Mills did not) According to an 
old adage, the girls may get stripped, but 
the guys get clipped. Of course, if you 
really want to meet а lady plainclothes 
cop, this is the place. 

The best night district is Georgetown, 

which retains some of the swagger and 


raucousness of its seafaring era. (It was 
a vital port long before Pierre L'Enfant 
laid out Washington.) Today, there's a 
nonstop parade along M Street and 
Wisconsin Avenue, its main arteries, with 
a multitude of restaurants, bars and 
discos providing side shows. You can be 
part of the Georgetown scene just by 
sitting on the sidewalk jawing with the 
bauble and Hower vendors, but your 
chances of engaging an engaging lady 
conversation are better in a Clyde's or a 
Nathan's. Clyde's is the P. J. Clarke's of 
the capital, the top of the heap in terms 
of authentic saloon atmosphere, drinks, 
food (hefty bacon cheeseburgers and 
omelets are featured) and appealing pa- 
trons, even if many are right out of a 
William Hamilton cartoon. Stuart David- 
son and John Laytham, the owners of 
Clyde's, have created a similar sort of 
mating mecca in the 120-year-old Old 
Ebl . a block from the White 
House. Nathau's clientele is a bit more 
down to carth, суеп though everybody 
seems to be wearing sunglasses—not 
necessarily because they're famous, al- 
though this was Mo Dean's favorite 
hangout. 

Chadwick's, more remote under the 
Whitehurst Cway, is big with post- 
grads; and C. R. Higgins, a new place, 
draws the kind of girl who's a devotee of 
avocados and spinach. Gunchers is for 
pinball wizards and grinders fans; and 
The Guards, with fireplaces and wing 
а à determinedly stylish singles 
For a view of the passing parade 
along Wisconsin Avenue, barflies opt 
for window-stool perches at The Third 
Edition. 

Discos are everywhere. Most share the 
same features: strobes, postagestamp 
dance floors апа very sexy ladies deliver- 
ing the drinks. Among the Georgetown 
hot spots: Boccaccio, Е. Scott's. Winstons 
(Susan Ford's hangout), татр, Sazerac 
and Le Club Zanzibar (art deco and de- 
usly seductive). 
society, try the Pisces Club, if you have a 
friend who belongs, or Foxtrappe, a popu- 
lar private club whose membership is 
principally but not exclusively upper- 
class black. 

Whether it’s the Iure of the lifestyle, 
the stirring of ambition or just 
to pull up stakes and try something dif- 
ferent «Лу that girls in num- 
hers will keep right on streaming into 
Washington. So much for Charles Dick- 
ens, who observed in his American Notes, 
gathered in 1842: "Few people would live 
in Washington, 1 take it, who were not 
obliged to reside therc; and the tides of 
emigration and speculation, those rapid 
nd regardless currents, are litle likely 
to flow at any time toward such dull and 
sluggish water. 

Mr. Dickens, you were here 134 years 


too soon. 
a 


“ tell you I keep hearing Beethoven’s Ninth!” 


178 


ON THE RIGHT TRACK 

You think you've seen everything in horse-race games? Well, guess again. 
They're At the Post (available from Gerry King Associates, 1499 
Merchandise Mart Plaza, Chicago, Illinois 60654, for $26.50, postpaid) 
comes with eight races on four LPs—plus play money, betting slips and 
racing programs. But here's the rub: The records can be replayed 

and the finish of each event will be different. You've got to hear it to 
believe it—the trick being in the way the platters are grooved. And with 
over 190 different finishes, there’s no way railbirds can cheat. 


STASH HITS! 
No, songs about drugs and sex didn't come in with L.B.J. The Thirties 
and Forties were alive with the merely risqué and the blatantly direct, 
from such ditties as Reefer Man and Dope Head Blues to You Stole 
My Cherry. Now Stash Records (245 E. 25th Street, New York, New York 
10010) has collected some of those jazz classics and for six dollars each 
you can add five LPs—Reefer Songs, Copulatin’ Blues, Tea Pad Songs, 
Volumes 1 and 2, and the latest, Pot, Spoon, Pipe and Jug—to your hip 
collection. Most are vintage Harlem with Leadbelly, Slim and 
Slam and Cab Calloway—all kickin’ the gong around. 


PLAYBOY POTPOURRI 


people, places, objects and events of interest or amusement 


MEDIASCENE IS THE MESSAGE 
If you're into The Shadow, Marvel Comics, 
pulps, pin-ups, adventure flicks, crime. 

sci-fi, fantasy or God knows what, sub- 
scribe to a bimonthly publication called 
Mediascene ($7.50 to Supergraphics, 

Box 445, Wyomissing, Pennsylvania 19610). 
The publisher, editor and chief illus- 
trator is a triple threat named 

Jim Steranko, who describes his labor 
of love as “the magazine of popular en. 
tertainment.” How can you go wrong? 


BE A FLASHER 
So you wanna see your name in lights? 
Your phone number? Flash your boss a 
message—like GET FUCKED, CLOWN? Two 
boys from Brooklyn, Gerald Rich and 
John Gergely, will sell you a blinking- 
light pendant (powered by AAA 
batieries, not included) with any message 
you choose, up to 20 letters, engraved on 
transparent acrylic. The gadget comes 
on asilver-plated chain and costs $15, from 
В.С Products Co., 163 Ocean Avenue, 
Brooklyn, New York 11225. Blink! 


SWEAT SHOP 


Any old dude can wear a work 
shirt without working and 
painter's pants without know- 
ing which end of the brush 

to hold, but it takes somebody 
with real élan to sport a pre- 
sweated stained cowboy hat. 
Ace Reid (he's the famous 
Cowpoke cartoonist of Kerr- 
ville, Texas) sells perspiration- 
laced models for a mere $26.50, 
postpaid, sent to him at Box 
868. Ace claims they're just 

the thing to wear with $40 pre- 
faded jeans and a pair of 
beat-up Tony Lamas. Lotsa 
luck at the Dew Drop Inn 


SURE AS SHOOTIN’ 
It resembles something designed for the K.G.B., but what's pictured 
here is The Annihilator, a Freon-powered BB submachine gun 
that’s guaranteed to turn the most uptight adult into a vintage 
Jimmy Cagney with one burst from its wicked-looking muzzle. 
Available from Larc International, Р. О. Box 340007, Coral Gables, 
Florida 33134, for $31, postpaid (plus a signed note stating you're 


t's a great way to cut uppity beer cans down to size. 


PARADISE LOST 
Night, and you and blue 
Hawaii. . . . Black and blue, 
that is; for over at the Out- 
rigger East Hotel (2381 Kuhio 
Avenue in Honolulu), you'll 
find the Coward Collection, 
possibly the world’s finest as- 
semblage of torture instru- 
ments. The owner of this grisly 
show is Arne Coward, a Nor- 
wegian gentleman who has 
devoted his life to objets 
truly bizarre. Here a 13-foot 
torture rack, there a shrunken 
head; everywhere you look, 
the weird, the ghoulish, the 
bizarre—and all for a mere 
two-dollar admission fee. 
Children under 12—S1.50. 


GREAT SHAKES 
Nervous nomads in search of the perfect 
place to live may wish to avail them- 
selves of a curious Government service that 
few know about: For $15, the National Geophys- 
ical and Solar-Terrestrial Data Center in Boulder, 
Colorado, will provide a computer printout 
that lists the earthquake activity since 
1638 in any U.S. geographical region. Info 
includes the date and time of each quake, 
plus more. California, here we don't come. 


CHOP TALK 


One Ming Dynasty dining room to go, please. 
Really, folks—no kidding. You can now order a 
prefabricated Chinese restaurant, Chao Kwan 
Designs—1406 Guardian House, 32 Oi Kwan 
Road, Happy Valley, Hong Kong—will build 
you such an establishment, on any of several 
"themes" for about $70 per square foot. They'll 
stock it with everything from uniforms to for- 
tune cookies, ther hand you the key. But will you 
be hungry for another eatery 20 minutes later? 


179 


PLAYBOY 


180 Castro. Maheu worked out se 


THE PUPPETMASTERS 


Don. As Ehrlichman told an interviewer 
recently, “I was sort of responsible for 
the care and feeding of the President's 
brother Don, and Don seemed to have a 
sort of magnetic attraction to the Hughes 
organization and the Hughes people . . . 
and so I was continually being confronted 
with Don Nixon's involvement and con- 
ing relationship with people who had 
or were members of the Hughes 
organization . . . so I was always engaged 
in trying to extricate him from those 
kinds of things: 

After carefully setting up his carcer 
and going through more than his share 
of troubles, one of the last things the 
President wanted was to have anyone 
learn how entangled his career had be- 
come with Hughes. 


THE MAGIC BOX 


Hughes was extremely anxious to 
get himself into an alliance with the 
CIA that would protect him from 
investigation by other Government 
igencies. ROBERT MANEU 


A CIA cover organization 
ıd very useful thing. It’s like hav 
magic box. You can put things in and 
you can take things ош. You can take 
things out that you never put in and you 
can put things in that will never come 
out. Or you can get into the box your- 
self and go away somewhere—or perhaps 
go away forever. If the box is large 
enough, you can put an entire country 
i le it and no one will ever know. 

The Hughes organization is such a 
box, the biggest and most useful of its 
kind. According to information given to 
us by a highly placed intelligence source, 
there is nothing else like it in the world, 
far as intelligence fronts go. It is no 
secret to most foreign governments, most 
of which stand awe of its ineffable, 
ant vastness. From within this magic 
box, an important part of the United 
tes covert intelligence operations 
nate. But by 1971, it had begun to 
crack. So much had been put into the 
box that things were beginning to come 
out. The magic was fading. 

Hughess alliance with 
started as early as 1949. C 
fter the CIA got its d 
giving contracts to Hughes. 

On April 1, 1975, The Washington 
Post reported, “Hughes Aircraft [HAC] 
has been mentioned as а potential hotbed 
of interrelationships with the CIA." The 
New York Times on March 20, 1975, 
quoted high Government officials as say- 
ing that HAG had been building satellites 
for intelligence purposes for years and 
“employs a number of high-ranking CIA 
and military men.” As early as 1960, 
Maheu had Hughess blessing in taking 
on one of the agencys most sensitive 
assignments: the assassi on of Fidel 
unsuc- 


the agency 
nly two years 
rter, it began 


(continued from page 112) 


cessful plots with gangsters Sam Giancana 
and Johnny Roselli 

The affinity between Hughes and the 
agency was natural: America's most 
secretive billionaire and the most secre- 
tive part of America’s Government. In a 
way, Hughes was a kind of modern-day 
Leonardo da Vinci, an eccentric genius 
who pushed to the cutting edge of the 
20th Century, whether in early talking 
movies or in space satellites. Just after 
his death was reported. Newsweek quoted 
a topranking Washington intelligence 
official as saying, “Hughes gravitated into 
саз that other people refused to go into 
or didn't believe in.” HAC pioneered the 
synchronousorbit satellite, built the first 
Early Bird satellite and the Surveyor 
spacecraft that made the first soft landing 
on the moon and sent pictures back to 
ASA in preparation for the manned 
moon shots, Without Hughess signal- 
amplifying microwave tubes, pictures 
from Mars would have been impossible. 
HAC is responsible for three dimensional 
radar that is used lor tracking hundreds 
of planes simultaneously. And the world's 
first operating laser arced across the labs 
of HAC. Laser weapons are now one of 
the hottest topics within the Penta 
they may someday make nuclear weapons 
obsolete. The secrets of laser-weapon tech- 
nology are so dosely guarded that Penta- 
gon insiders will discuss it only in 
of-the-art terms. 

HAC became a leading Government 
electronics contractor with the building 
of an carly fire control system in 1948 and 
the Falcon airto-air missile. During the 
Korean War, HAC was the only contrac- 
tor of fire-control systems for Air Force 
interceptors. More recently, HAC built the 
entire ground-based delense systems for 
Japan, Belgium, Switzerland and NATO. 
г years, Hughes "Tool Company 
(Toolco—sold by Hughes in 1972) held a 
virtual monopoly on mining-drill bits. 
(On the subject of whether or not he really 
did have a monopoly, Hughes once said, 
“We don't have a monopoly. People who 
nt to drill for oil and not use the 
Hughes bit can always use a pick and 
shovel.”) A highly placed intelligence 
source told PLAYwoy that this monopoly 
was one of the important factors in the 
relationship between Hughes and the CIA 
because of the importance of resource- 
recovery information to the agency. What 
this means is that any time someone 
drilled into the ground, the information 
about what was down there went straight 
back to the agency. The setup with Toolco 
ad put the agency іп a position of awc- 
some power with respect to other coun- 
tries’ abilities to keep the exact nature of 
their resources confidential. 

Over the past decade, according to 
Time, the Hughes organization received 
at least six billion dollars in secret 


CIA contracts. Thats approximately 
$11,500,000 week, over and above 
$11,500,000 a week in public Govern- 
ment contracts awarded to Hughes. That 
is about 1.2 billion dollars a year. Put 
another зау, Explorer, 
the HughesCIA secret ship that cost 
5543,000.000 to build and made headlines 
in 1974 for trying to raise a sunken Rus- 
sian sub, was to CIA funding of Hughes 
аз six cents is to a dollar. 

"The one Hughes operation that doesn't. 
seem likely to be involved in these types 
of dealings is the Hughes Medical Insti- 
tute, established in 1953 “for the benefit 
of mankind. 
exempt foundation has as its stated pur- 
pose medical rescarch. Hughes turned 
over to the H.M.I. all HAC stock and 
50 percent of Thea cable T V—assets. 
worth hundreds of millions of dollars—to 
support that purpose. 

But, as with all explanations of 
Hughes's actions, behind that story is 
another story: Mismanagement of HAG 
had upset the Air Force so much that 
cretary Harold Talbot threatened to 
cancel all HAC contracts if the problems 
weren't taken care of. This was done on 
December 17, 1953, by Hughes's doi 
HAC to H.M.I. and naming him: 
trustee ol Н.М.. Apparently, that sati 
fied the А orce, because НАС now 
has an annual cash flow in excess of 
$900,000,000. (Despite the enormous as- 
seis it owns, H.M.I. grants only about 
$1,500,000 a year medicalresearch 
funds.) 

Hughes had said for years that when 
he died, he intended to leave his entire 
estate to H.M.L Meier claims that 
Hughes instructed him to meet with the 
institutes. president, 
cuss the institute's rel 
CIA and that on March 8, 1969, Wright 
told him it was really a CIA front doing 
only token amounts of medical’ research 
in order to protect its tax-exempt status, 
According*to Meier, Н.М. had taken a 
long lease on Cay Sal an uninhabited 
Bahamian out island 40 miles north of 
Cuba, to provide a site for covert CIA 
training operations. Meier’s story that the 
medical institute is actually a CIA front 
was corroborated recently when a former 
Pentagon official was quoted in Time as 
saying that HAC (solely owned by H.M.J.) 
js a captive company of the CIA. Their 
interests are completely merged." In other. 
words, if Hughes left his fortune to 


H.M.L, control of his whole empire 
would legally—and secretly—pass to the 
Central Intelligence Agency 
could 


The CIA 
the guise of tax- 
nd any project, any 
covert activity imaginable, working its 
magic with billions of untraceable dollars 
through the seemingly legitimate chan- 
nels of the Hughes empire. 

Making Hughes's other comp: 
ncaly as atuactive to the CIA was the 
fact that he was personally the sole 


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PLAYBOY 


182 


A HUGHES VIGNETTE 


On the morning of April 16, 1968. 
Howard Hughes was so scared he 
мей to die, No, make that live. He 
had just picked up the Las Vegas Sun, 
published by his good friend Hank 
Greenspun, and read that the Atomic 
ү Commission was going to set 
off the largest nuclear explosion ever 
right under the desert floor at the 
Nevada Test Site. not 120 miles from 
his home. 1n an uncharacteristic flurry 
of activity over the next few days, 
Howard wrote memos, made fra 
phone calls and, in general, caused a 
stink that eventually would be blamed 
for postponing the shot that was orig- 
inally scheduled for the 24th. In 
short, Howard was freaking out. 

His top executive aide, Bob Maheu, 

т on wild misions to plead 

ns. Hughes was so firm 

his stand against the blasts that as 

early as 1967, he had sent Maheu to 

offer President Johnson $1,000,000 10, 

stop the tests (what exactly happened 
to the $1,000,000 is unclear). 

It wasn’t just any atomic tests that 
bothered Howard so much. It was the 
ones he could feel. His home—the 
Desert Inu in Las Vegas, which he had 
bought when he learned it was check- 
out time and decided he didn't want 
to leave—would rock gently back and 
forth in the aftershocks of large under- 
ground nuclear explosions. Howard 
didn’t like that one bit, 

He called John Meier, his scientific 
advisor, and told him to do anything 
he could to stop the test. “All my 

joney.” Howard said, "is at your 
disposal.” 

Over the next ten days, the vision of 
what was going to happen when the 
bomb went olf became more and more 
bizarre in Howard's mind. Meier was 
calling Senators, Congressmen, assem- 
bling Inge groups of scientists to amass 
technical data showing that if the test 
went off on schedule, the entire city of 
Las Vegas would be destroyed, The 
Desert Inn, the Sands, the Fronticr— 
all of them would crumble like so many 
card houses, killing everyone, but most 
of all, killing Howard Hughes. 

Meier flew Barry Commoner out to 
speak against the test. The public out- 
cry resulted in the Atomic Energy 
Commission's hold a scienti 
briefing to reassure the people that it 
was quite sie, that nothing would 
happen, that everything was under 
control. And the test would, indeed, 
go off, and it would be on Frid 

96, 1968, at six A-M.—period 

Howard panicked. His voice was 

shaking when he phoned Meier, “Tell 


them I will give them 
Meier remembers him sayi 

out how much it cost them to set this 
test up. We will pay it. Ten million, 
twenty million—I don't care! Tell 
them we'll pay them their costs if they 
stop this test." 


“But Mr. Hughes, they've been 


working on this for thirty years. You 
can't reimburse the Atomic Energy 


tedly, it was a pretty weird plan. 
but at least it was a pla 

Meier was quiedy ascending the 
stairs to the roof of the Desert Inn. 
It was four in the morning. He car 
ried with him a scientific instrument: 
a piece of string. As he opened the 
door to the roof, he found himself face 
ı0 face with another man, who also 
had icntilic instrument or two, But 


as a result of Hughes's protest to find 
out il, indeed, Las Vegas would fall 
down when the test went oll. He 

ly to monitor several thousand dol- 
lars’ worth of seismic gear that meas- 
ures the aftershock. 

But one of the richest men in the 
world had sent his scientific advisor 
up with a string, so he could make a 
plumb line to measure the sway of 
the building. The plan was that if 
the plumb moved more than s 
inches either way (Howard had 
figured this out mathematically), 
Meier, who had taken a large friend 
along, was to stomp up and down 
with his friend on the roof above 
Howard's bedroom to alert him that 
the Desert Inn was about to fall down. 
Meier had а transistor radio tuned to 
а local station to let him know when 
the bomb went off. 

At exactly six, Boxcar was fired. 
Meier amd the man from USGS. 
watched the plumb. Pretty soon, it 
started swinging back and forth. About 
6:05, John Holmes, one of Howard's 
Mormon valets, went running out onto 
the roof i 

He felt it! He felt it!" Holmes 
screamed. "He's going crazy. Get down 
there immediately and call him, John; 
the building's going to fall down. He's 
hiding under the bed!” 

Hughes stayed under his bed in the 
penthouse of the Desert Inn ший 
nearly 8:30 that morning. When Meier 
called, Holmes handed Hughes the 
phone under the bed and Howard 
chewed 
minutes. 


Meier's ear off for ten 


owner of them. The sleight of hand with 
billions of dollars was not subject to the 
scrutiny publidy held corporations come 
under. And—aside from the obvious 
money, security and benefits—making 
the CIA attractive for Hughes was the 
fact that he was a бегу anti-Communist 
and a superpatriot. 

Charles Colson has said that “Hughes is 
the СТА largest contractor.” In this posi- 
ion, Hughes had another advantage. He 
could hire its influential people for his 
own team. 

Scores of high-level officials from Gov- 
ernment elligence and investigative 
agencies have moved over to the Hughes 
organization. A. D. “Bud” Wheelon left 
his position as deputy director of science 
and technology for the CTA to become 
р! lent of HAC. At the age of 48, a 
three-star gencral named Ed Nigro in 
line for the position of deputy director of 
plans for the Pentagon. He turned it 
down, ended his promising military career 
and went to work managing hotels in Las 
Vegas for Hughes. When questioned by 
reporters on this strange career tactic, 
Nigro commented, “I felt I could come 
out here and still serve my country. 
(Hughes wrote a memo to Maheu suggest- 
ing that Nigro could use his contacts in 
the Pentagon “to keep the Vietnam war 
going,” in order to allow HAC to sell 
more helicopters.) 

Robert Peloquin resigned as head of 
the Justice Departments organized-crime 
strike force and started what has become 
the world’s largest private security com- 
pany, Intertel. Hughes quickly became 
опе of Intertel’s most prominent client 

In turn, Toolco and HAC rov 
hired CLA agents, who would then be given 
jobs in other countries. Meier first learned 
of Hughes's involvement with the agency 
in 1968. On August fifth, Maheu told 
Meier that a mau named Michiel Ме 
hage, a new young Toolco executive, 
would be handling some business іп 
South America. Meier was asked if he 
would use his contacts in Ecuador to 
open the right doors for Merhage. It was. 
а routine request and Meier handled it 
im a routine way. He flew to Quito be- 
fore Merhage arrived and explained to 
his friends in high government positions 
the importance of giving Merhage all 
the help he needed. 

Meier returned to Vegas and when 
they met there, Merhage began explai 
ing to Meier how really important this 
particular project was from an agency 
standpoint, believing Meier knew he was 
an agent using Toolco as cover. Meier 
s stunned by the revelation. (Merhage 
apparently just a clumsy agent. In 
Meier's file on the Ecuadorian situation is 
a letter from a bemused Ecuadorian 
official explaining that Merhage “was so 
obvious" they spotted him as an agent 


almost immediately.) While Merhage was 
still in Nevada, he again let Meier in on 
an agency matter that should have been 
kept confidential, and this time it proved 
to be a serious mistake. He gave him a list 
of American politicians the CIA wanted 
funded through Hughes. Meier was sup- 
posed to act as a courier and give the 
directive to Hughes, but later the agency 
would suspect that Meier had retained a 
copy of the list. He did keep a copy, 
which rLaysoy now has 

The directive is dated September 2, 
1968. It is addressed to H.R.H., with a 
copy designated for R.M.A.—Robert 
Maheu Associates—and is headed “Pro- 
posed FundSupport List as "Through 
Local Outlets." 

In the directive is our current Presi- 
dent, Gerald Ford (then a Congressman 
from Michigan). The list reads as follows: 


1]. „ Arizona 
Wilbur D. Mills, Arkansas 
Craig Hosmer, California 

Robert L. Leggett, California 
Gordon L. Allott, Colorado 
J. Herbert Burke, Florida 

Hiram L. Fong, Haw 

Larry Winn, Jr., Kansa 

Joe D. Waggonner, Jr., Lou 
Gerald К. Ford, 

James О. Eastland, Mississippi 
William J. Randall, Missouri 
Paul Laxalt, Nevad 
Howard W. Cannon, Nevada 
Norris Cotton, New Hampshire 
James К. Grover, New York 

William Н. Harsha, Ohio 
Frank T. Bow, Ohio 
John N. Gamp, Oklahoma 
Strom Thurmond, South Carolina 
Dan H. Kuykendall, Tennessee 
James Н. Quillen, Tennessee 
James M. Collins, Texas 
Olin E. Teague, Texas 
Omar Burleson, Texas 
Abraham Kazen, Texas 
John G. Tower, Texas 
Wallace F. Bennett, Utah 
W. C. Daniel, Virgi 
Robert C. Byrd, West Virginia 
Vernon W. Thomson, Wisconsin 


We have been unable to determine 
why the CIA selected this particular 
Broup or to gct any ication of whether 
or not they were aware that the agency 
had chosen them for funding. But the 
depth of CIA influence can be partly 
measured by the behavior of new, mid- 
dlelevel executives such as Merhage. 
When he didn’t get a quick enough 
response to the funding directive, he 
gave another copy to Mcier and this time 
wrote, “John—am asking for progress,” 
and signed it. 

The diplomatic relationship between 
Hughes and the American Government 
had clearly become extremely delicate, 
and only a very select group of people 
knew it was so deep and so broad that it 


* formed a comp: 


PLAYBOY'S “SHALLOW THROAT" 


With ffected agents spilling their 
stories and Congressional committees 
announcing new exposés every few 
weeks, the penetration of CIA secrecy 
has become almost commonplace. But 
breaching security at the Summa Cor- 
poration is another matter. It is one of 
the most secretive companies in the 
world, 

For this reason, one of PLAYBOY'S 
sources of corroboration for The Pup- 
pet and the Puppetmasters, Charles 
Kenworthy, is in a unique position. 
He has breached Summa security and, 
far from seeking the anonymity of 
“Deep Throat” status, he has been 
rather eager to let Summa know about 
it. The story of how he got into this 
cold war is an interesting one. 

Kenworthy is a flamboyant Los An- 
geles millionaire who made his fortune 
in real estate. His favorite pastime is 
hunting for lost treasures. In 1974, he 
called Quest and 
lly skeptical Stan- 

te to work with 


persuaded the i 
ford Research Ins 


him applying sophisticated technology 
to the task of finding ancient treasures. 
Using radar, lasers, sonar and electron- 
ic gear from its radiophysics lab, Ken- 
worthy has turned an adventurous old 


art intoa lucrative new science. 

Shipping records from the 16th 
Century indicate that a Spanish gal- 
leon carrying trcasure now worth 
$30,000,000 sank off the coast of 
Catalina Island, near Los Angeles. 
Last year, Kenworthy, after finding evi- 
dence of the galleon's location, got a 
permit from the state of California 
for sole search rights. His crew then 
began the time-consuming process of 
zeroing in on the sunken ship. 

Then along came the Glomar Ex- 
plorer. 

On August 20, 1975, she arrived, 
anchored a quarter of a mile off the 
coast, over the very area from which 
Kenworthy planned to raise the gal- 
Jeon, and remained there for nine days. 
During that time, a perimeter of half a 
mile was drawn around the Glomar to 
keep private ships away. 

Kenworthy thought it odd for the 
Glomar to show up within 1400 feet of 

opulated area to perform a "secret" 
mission. But when he set out to inves- 
tigate, he drew a complete blank. And 
Summa, in a one-paragraph note, sim- 
ply assured him that the Glomar’s 
activity off Catalina “involves по 
ocean-bottom exploration or salvage 
ms” and ignored demands for 


So Kenworthy took matters into his 
own hands. Using his own connections 
ith ex-investigative and intelligence 
agents, he penetrated Summa's security 
system and began compiling a dossier 
of Summa documents. He has not yet 
been able to prove his case, but he 
has acquired a rather remarkable array 
of documents, ranging from the star- 
tling to the ridiculous. He has, for 
example, part of Bill Gay's personal 
phone book, which lists К. Spencer 
Oliver and Robert К. Mullen & Com- 
pany. The minutes of the June 6, 
1975, Hughe: ir Corporation board 
f directors ing note that Robert. 
F. Bennett, who leaked stories to Bob 
Woodward -that helped bring down 
Nixon, was "present by invitation." 
Bennett was president of the CIA front 
Robert R. Mullen & Company. He is 
now director of public relations for 
Summa. Other documents show the 
massive losses sustained by Hughes- 
Nevada casinos. The Desert Inn, for 
example, lost $5,702,000 last year. The 
Summa color codes are among Ken- 
worthy's treasure chest of papers. Sum- 
ma executives, depending on their 
rank, have emblems on their company 
cars that show by the colors how impor- 
tant they are. And one executive's note 
to himself says, “Get CIA clearance” 
ning operations." Yet another 


who passed $100,000 of Hughes’ 

to Bebe Rebozo and is now general 
manager of the Sands—can't spend 
over $1000 without clearing it through 
Steve Savoldelli, now manager of 
HughesNcvada Operations. Ken- 
worthy also discovered evidence that 
suggests that Summa has committed 
Watergatelike break-ins against its 
own staff. 

Jean E. Clary, food-and-beverage 
director of the Landmark Hotel, on 
April 23, 1976, wrote a letter to Summa 
saying that the Summa security men 
had broken into his home in an at- 
tempt to prove he was accepting kick- 
backs. 

Summa has so far only threatened 
legal action and Kenworthy has failed 
to inspire an official Governmental in- 
vestigation to determine the truth 
about whether or not the Glomar is 
the pirate ship that stole his treasure. 
PLAYBOY'S own investigation of his 
charges has turned up two sources who 
claim that the Glomar did remove that 
treasure from off the coast of Catalina. 
In the meantime, PLAYBOY and Ken- 
worthy are continuing to gather evi- 
dence to prove or disprove the story. 


PLAYBOY 


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even included the intelligence apparatus 
as its critical component. The press, the 
public, the FBI, the IRS, Congress—all of 
them were necessarily ignorant of the 
gravity of the relationship between Hughes 
and the agency and what it meant. 

Even among Government insiders, it 
couldn't become common knowledge 
that the Hughes organization was in 
possession of some of the nation’s most 
explosive national-security secrets, rang- 
ing from attempts to assassinate foreign 
Jeaders to the Glomar (see Shallow Throat 
on page 183) to the secret funding of 
American politicians by the CLA, using 
Hughes as the conduit for these funds. 

With adventures like these on their 
hands, it was clearly imperative for agen- 
cy officials to keep a very tight rein on 
any information about the inner work- 
ings of the Hughes-agency тегрег. Since 
other Government agencies were not 


3 [t was so important that the details 
of this merger not come out that in June 
1974, three days after several documents 
that touched on the CIA links were sub- 
poenacd by the Justice Department for 
the Securities and Exchange Commission, 
a group of highly professional burglars 
broke into Summa headquarters and re- 
moved those documents. According to 
several sources with firsthand knowledge 
of the case, this was a CIA job done 


184 1o protect the Hughes-CIA relationship. 


ware of the extent of the relationship, 
tigations of Hughes's holdings could 
not be allowed to succeed. There was 


1 For example, a 1973 Congressional 
investigation of tax-exempt foundations 
came up empty when it looked into 
H.M., During the course of the investiga- 
tion, this exchange took place between 
Seymour Mintz, representing H.M.L, and 
Representative Ben B. Blackburn of 
Georgia: 


BLACKBURN: [Howard Hughes] cer- 
tainly has done well in mixing up 
his money. We cannot keep up with 
all the financial transactions. We 
have received а report, but our staff 
has had problems understanding all 
of these notes floating around and in- 
terest floating around mentioned in 
й... . Why can't that superb man- 
agement pay off that note? 

INTZ: We have never made that 
demand on the Hughes Aircraft 
Company because we felt that it was 
not in the interest of the institute to 
hamstring the aircraft company to 
the point where it would be deprived 
of its working capital. 

BLACKBURN: You mean Mr. 
Hughes, the trustce, has never felt 
that Mr. Hughes, the chief executive, 
ought to be hamstrung in paying 
Mr. Hughes the money Mr. Hughes 
owes Mr. Hughes? 


good reason for this. Any leaks could 
prove disastrous. 


NIGHT OF THE LONG KNIVES 


For quite а while, the security system 

seemed to be working very well. But in 
November 1970, a series of bizarre events 
took place that started cracking the shell 
of secrecy that had surrounded the oper- 
ations for years. Exactly what took 
place in November 1970 is likely to re- 
main a mystery. But it is certain that the 
date is crucial in beginning to compre- 
aftermath. 
d been brewing 
inside the Hughes empire since Howard's 
arrival in Las Vegas in 1966. During his 
years in Nevada, Howard Hughes the 
man was becoming separate from the 
Hughes companies, and his control of 
them gradually diminished. When he 
sold TWA, he received $546,549,711, and 
with it he built HughesNevada Opera- 
tions, putting Maheu in charge. But the 
rest of his multibillion-dollar empire was 
controlled by three executives outside 
Nevada. A woman named Nadine Henley, 
who had once been Hughes's personal 
secretary, had installed Ken Wright, one 
of her former chauffeurs, as president of 
the Hughes Medical Institute, and his 
first loyalty was to her. 

In California, Toolco was controlled by 
a Mormon named Frank W. "Bill" Gay. 
He had maneuvered his way to a senior 
vicepresidency after beginning as the 
manager of Hughes's car pool. He was 
responsible for hiring the Mormon valets 
who surrounded Hughes day and night. 
They controlled the flow of information 
into and out of his penthouse suite. With 
no word to the contrary forthcoming from 
Hughes himself. Gay was able to main- 
tain his public image as that of a son to 
Hughes. 

From New York, an attorney named 
Chester С. Davis handled much of the 
ongoing litigation involving Hughes, in- 
duding the 12-year court battle over 
TWA, Davis, with his fiery tongue, dra- 
matic gestures and shrewd maneuvering, 
has a well-earned reputation as just about 
the meanest man іп any courtroom. (Dur- 
ing the Watergate testimony, Davis rep- 
resented Danner, who had delivered the 
now famous $100,000 to Rebozo. Davis 
personally steam-rolled over many of the 
tors’ questions. At one point, 
when Danner tried to add to Davis’ own 
remarks, Davis growled: “You open that 
mouth again and you're going to have to 
go sce a dentist.” The court reporter 
dutifully typed it into the record.) 

Davis, Henley and Gay had won con- 
trol over the Hughes empire outside 
Nevada, but they had no proximity to 
Hughes; Hughes directed the Nevada 
Operations through Maheu and was in 


constant communication with him via 
memos and phone calls. Maheu's ambi- 
tions represented a very real threat to 
Davis, Henley and G 

During the Nevada period, Howard's 
orders outside Nevada were frequently 
ignored. He could have his little half- 
billion-dollar playground in Nevada, but 
Gay, Davis and Henley directed the 
course of serious world-wide business for 
the empire. Both Maheu and Meier wit- 
nessed Howard's gradual loss of control. 

It is not easy to imagine how Hughes 
could own his empire outright and not 
have solid control over it. But he was a 
very unusual man. It is easy to forget 
that in 1953, he legally stepped down 
when he passed control of HAC to the 
institute to take his name off the books 
as official head of that company to 
smooth over the mismanagement prob- 
lems he was having with the Air Force. 
"This maneuver was designed to allow 
Howard to maintain control of HAC 
while satisfying the military that some- 
one else was in charge. Later, his fear 
of germs, of kidnaping. of court sub- 
poenas would seal him off from the 
outside world and make him dependent 
on a small group of Mormon aides for 
everything from food and medical atten- 
tion to news from the real world. It was 
a simple matter for them to see that writ- 
ten communications to Hughes about the 
course of business in his empire did not 
escape their attention—or their censor- 
ship. Even Maheu was never allowed to 
meet Hughes face to face. 

Aside from Maheu and the Mormon 
valets, one of the few people who spoke 
h Hughes on the phone regularly was 
Meier. His position was unique. Maheu 
and the other executives ran the Hughes- 
Nevada businesses; Meier handled the 
projects personally important to Hughes. 

Hughes also involved Meier in some 
of his political and business projects, in- 
cluding the acquisition of Air West, the 
purchase of several mining daims in 
Nevada and Hughes's extremely delicate 
dealings with Donald Nixon. 

In November 1969, Meier officially re- 
ned his position with Hughes to set 
up the Nevada Environmental Founda- 
tion. Secretly, he continued to carry out 
assignments for Hughes, 

Bur by 1970, Howard Hughes was a 
very sick man, and in early November, 
he was near death. His health had been 
failing since his mysterious operation in 
Boston in 1966, after which he had moved 
to Las Vegas. Now his weight was down 
to about 100 pounds, he was suffering 
from anemia and pneumonia and his 
hemoglobin count was down to four. 
This condition causes cuphoria and 
erratic behavior. Normal hemoglobin 
is between 14 and 18 grams per 100 
milliliters of blood, One of the doctors 
who attended him in his penthouse later 


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told police his condition was so poor 
they feared for his life if he did not get 
to a hospitals intensive-care unit. For 
unknown reasons, Hughes remained in 
his suite. His memos and phone calls to 
Maheu and Meier, which had been 
tapering off since September, abruptly 
stopped in mid-November. On or about 
November 25, 1970, Thanksgiving eve, 
he suddenly vanished, having methodi- 
cally worked to take over not only the 
city of Las Vegas but the entire state of 
Nevada, Hughes's Mormon valets put 
out the story that a smiling, healthy, 
high-spirited Howard R. Hughes had 
sashayed down nine flights of stairs at the 
back of the D.L, climbed into a limo and 
been winged away on a longoverdue 
and well-deserved vacation. 

He enjoyed the flight, they said. 

A number of media people took that 
jauntydeparture story at face value. 
Times report began, “A few minutes 
before ten o'clock on "Thanksgiving eve, 
Howard Hughes pulled an old sweater 
over the white shirt that he wore open 
at the neck, donned a fedora and walked 
to the rear of the penthouse atop the 
Desert Inn. . . . Hughes eased his tall, 
thin frame through a long-unused fire 
door and walked the nine stories down 
an interior fire escape to the hotel park- 
ing lot. 

105 a nice picture, but neither Maheu 


claim instead that an emaciated Hughes 
was carried out by Intertel agents, who 
sent a decoy caravan of limousines to the 
Las Vegas airport while Hughes was taken 
to Nellis Air Force Base and flown away 
in a Lockheed Jet Star. (According 10 an 
account in Look, by Benjamin Schem- 
mer, editor of The Armed Forces Jour- 
nal, Hughes was on a stretcher when he 
was loaded on the plane, and the flight 
crew that departed from Nellis was told, 
“Your life depends on your not looking 
to the rear.”) 

As mentioned before, what took place 
on November 25, 1970, may remain a se- 
cret, and there are only fragmentary re- 
ports on Hughes's actual condition. If he 
did throw on some old clothes and walk 
down nine flights of stairs, however, it 
represented a remarkable recovery from 
his condition earlier that month. 

Meier had strong circumstantial evi- 
dence to support his belief that whatever 
happened that night, Hughes no 
longer in control. On October 28. 
1970, Meier and his wife had arrived in 
Honolulu and checked into the Kahala 
Hilton Hotel. They were joined there 
the next day by Donald Nixon and his 
wife. Both couples were vacationing at 
Hughess expense, but Meier says he 
was also negotiating with Don about a 
highlevel job for him in the Hughes 


185 


PLAYBOY 


“Veronica has never once tried to deceive me. 
I'll say that for her.” 


empire. Hughes was eager to find Don a 
position and was keeping in touch with 
Meier by phone. On November third, a 
friend of Meier's named Mike O'Calla- 
ghan, in an upset victory (not expected or 
funded by Hughes), won the governorship 
of Nevada, Hughes called Meier the 
same day and instructed him to fly 
back immediately id begin to cement a 
sympathetic relationship with the new 
governor. Meier went to sce O'Callaghan 
and on November 12 returned to Hono- 
lulu with Mr. and Mrs O'Callaghan, 
who stayed until November 15. Meier 
sent his report to Hughes on November 
16 and was told he would receive а 
prompt return call from Hughes, whose 
Nevada Operations had always run 
smoother with the good will of the gov- 
emor. The call never came. 
Hughes was no longer functioning, M 


185 concluded, or he had suddenly lost inter- 


est in the President's brother and Ne- 
хайа? new governor. 

Maheu was not even told of Hughes's 
disappearance until December fourth, 
when, in a dramatic scene resembling a 
South American coup d'état, a suike 
force of Intertel agents swooped down on 
Maheu's offices, physically ejected him 
and his staff into the street, locked and 
guarded the offices and files and seized 
control of the Hughes-Nevada Operations 
in the name of Gay, Davis and Henley. 

Literally, one minute Maheu was in 
his office, carrying on with Howard's 
business; the next, he was on the street, 
having been told that he was relicved of 
all authority, including the authority to 
continue drawing the $500,000-a-year re- 
tainer he had been charging Hughes, 

Maheu had evidence that Hughes had 
been kidnaped. He knew that Gay had 
long been on the outs with Hughes, de- 
spite the father-son image. One memo 


later circulated by Maheu expressed 
Hughes's opinion that Gay was responsible 
for the breakup of Hughes's marriage to 
Jean Peters. "I feel he let me down 
utterly, totally, completely,” Hughes 
wrote. He added, “If I were to list all 
the grievances, it would fill several 
pages" In another memo to Maheu, 
dated March 21, 1968, Hughes had 
written of Gay, "Apparently you are not 
aware that the path of true friendship. 
in this case has not been a bilateral af- 
fair. I thought when we came here and 
I told you not to invite Bill up here 
and not to permit him to be privy to 
Our activities, you had realized that I 
no longer trusted him. . . . My bill of 
complaints against Bill's conduct goes 
back a long way and cuts very deep. 
Also, it includes a very substantial 
amount of money, enough to take care 
of any nceds of his children several times 
over.” Meier was also aware of Hughes's 
dislike for Gay. He explained that the 
money reference is to Hughes Dynamics. 
a computer-software company Gay had 
set up in the early thout Hughes's 
knowledge or approval. Gay had spent 
millions of dollars hiring а staff of com- 
puter experts, who, according to docu- 
ments in Meier's files, prepared studies on 
the computerization of such institutions as 
police departments and the U.S. Postal 
Service. Hughes Dynamics had also assist- 
ed the Mormon Church in Salt Lake City, 
at Hughes's expense, in beginning to com- 
puterize its operations. “They had offices 
all over the States, hundreds of people, 
they were spending millions of Hughes's 
dollars,” says Meier, who was on the 
staff of Hughes Dynamics himself until 
he was tipped off that Hughes was not 
even aware of the operation and advised 
that he should get out. Meier resigned, 
and not long after that, Hughes's wife 
saw a TV news story about Hughes 
Dynamics and reported it to Hughes, 
who ordered the entire staff fired within. 
24 hours. 

That was not the first time he had 
fired Gay. But each time, Gay managed to 
find a way around the order. Hughes һай 
also sent Maheu a memo giving him “full 
authority” to take over the TWA сазе 
from Davis, which Maheu had attempted 
to do. On November 12, 1970—two weeks 
before Hughes's disappearance—in a 
three-page teletyped message to Davis, 
Maheu charged him with mismanage- 
ment of the TWA court case. Maheu 
wrote, "I must insist that you now step 
aside.” Two days later, Davis drafted a 
proxy turning over control of the Hughes- 
Nevada Operations to himself and Gay. 
On the afternoon of November 14, 1970, 
according to Levar Myler and Howard 
Eckersley, two of Hughes's Mormon 
valets, they handed the proxy to Hughes 
for his signature. Myler served as witness; 
Eckersley, a notary public, sealed the 
proxy, which was then used as the legal 


basis for ousting Maheu. Both men had 
been hired by Gay to attend Hughes.5 
Shortly after the takeover, Davis and 
de public a “Dear Chester and 
letter from Hughes reiterating 
ire to remove Maheu and order 
пец affair over 
with as quickly as possible. It is signed 
"Howard R. Hughes" and his finger- 
prints appear at the bottom of the page. 
At the very Maheu thought the 
letter was suspicious because Hughes did 
not begin his written communications to 
executives with " He began direct- 
ly with a first name, such as “Bob,” or 


~John—.” Nor did he sign personal 
messages "Howard R. Hughes" He 
signed them “Н” or “Howard.” The 


purpose of the fingerprints was to prove. 
Hughes had writen the leuer. But 
curiously, sheriffs police captain Wik 

m Witte of Clark County in Nevada 


4 few months after Hughes's disap- 
pearance, Eckersley, after years of labor- 
ing anonymously as chicf staf] executive for 
Hughes, showed up in Montreal touting 
а new mining stock called Pan American. 
Mines Ltd. and implying that it was a 
Hughes venture. The stock quickly shot 
up 500 percent before Toolco announced 
that the venture was not backed by 
Hughes, The Canadian. government in- 
dicted Eckersley for stock fraud. He re- 


later testified about those fingerprints: 
"From the way the latent prints de- 
veloped on the three separate examina- 
tions, we feel it is impossible to tell how 
[emphasis added] those prints were 
placed on that piece of paper." 


A BEAST WITH TWO HEADS 
But whether or not Hughes was in 
control at the moment his fingerprints 
were placed on that letter, the meaning 
of the 1970 coup was that Maheu and 
Meier, the two men who knew intimately 
the inner workings of the Hughes empire, 
were convinced that Hughes was no longer 
calling the shots; and hostile actions taken 
toward them, in Hughes's name, made 
them bitter enemies of the new regime 
practically overnight. Powerful executives 
who are accustomed to having the na- 
ion's business and political elite seek 
their favor do not simply fade quictly 
into the background when they believe— 
rightly or wrongly—that an illegal E 
has taken place and they 
abruptly and ignominiously thrown out 
onto the street and made to look like 
fools. Together, Maheu and Meier had 
enough infor n to topple the е 
structure involving the Nixon White 
House, the Hughes empire, the CIA 
and politicians from both parties who 
were secretly indebted to Hughes in ways 
that could ciuse a public outrage. 


lant. Maheu had retained Larry O'Brien, 
for some of the Hughes public-relations 
work in Washington. Once Maheu was 
out, so was O'Brien—no friend to the 
Republican White House. The powerful 
Hughes account was turned over to 
T F. Bennett, who was, like Bill 
Mormon. Bennet purchased 
Mullen к Company, a publicrelations 
frm that also served as a CIA front 
organization, and which employed E. 
Howard Hunt. On January 15, 1971. 
Charles Colson wrote to another White 
House aide: “Bob Bennett, son of Sena- 
tor Wallace Bennett of Utah, has just 
[taken] over the Mullen public-relations 
firm here in Washington. Bob is a trusted. 
loyalist and good friend. We intend to 
use him on а yariety of outside projects. 
One of Bob's new clients Howard 
Hughes. I'm sure I need not explain the 
political implications of having Hughes's 
affairs handled here in Washington by a 
close friend. As you know, Larry O'Brien 
has been the principal Hughes man in 
This move could signal 
п terms of the politics and 
money that Hughes represents.” 

But already there was concern about 
the dangers posed by the angry Maheu's 
relationship with O'Brien. A White 
House memo diated January 26, 1971, 
from Dean to Н. В. Haldeman, says: “I 
have also been informed by a source of 


mained in his posttion in the Hughes 
organization. 


Ironically, the initial White House re- 
sponse to the Hughes upheaval was jubi- 


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PLAYBOY 


ar ‚ Bebe [Rebozo] is under the im- 
pression that Maheu had a good bit of 
freedom with Hughes's money when run- 
ning the Nevada operation. Bebe further 
indicated that he felt he could acqu 
some documentation of this fact if given a 
little time and that he would proceed to 
uy to get any information he could. He 
also requested that if any action be take 
with regard to Hughes that he be пой- 
fied because of his familiarity with the 
delicacy of the relationships as a result 
of his own dealings with the Hughes 
people.” (The “delicacy” Rebozo referred 
to is not hard to understand. At that 
moment, he hid $100,000 of Hughes's 
money that he had never reported to the 
IRS stashed in a safedeposit box.) Two 


days later, Haldeman instructed Dean to 
get more information on Maheu and 
O'Brien: "You and Chuck Colson should 


get together and come up with a way 
to leak the appropriate information. . . . 
However, we should keep Bob Bennett 
d Bebe out of it at all costs.” 

In other words, the White House was 
looking for information to embarrass 
O'Brien because of his Hughes connec- 
tion, but before long, it started to look 
like the change of command in the 
Hughes empire was going to threaten 
the White House far more than O'Brien. 
Maheu and Meier would see to that. 

It was ап odd couple that set out to 
destroy the new Hughes regime. Maheu 
was an ex-FBI agent who worked for 
the CIA while on the Hughes payroll 
and was instrumental in creating the role 
of CIA front for the Hughes empire; 
Meier was à computer expert who was 
more interested in cleaning up the en- 
vironment than in planting spies over- 
seas. Maheu and Meier had probably not 
seen eye to cye on anything important 
until they came to the same conclusion 
bout Davis and Gay's take-over of the 
Hughes organ r once, their 
hands were forced in the same direction. 

Maheu began by taking his grievances 
into court, letting out bits and pieces of 
information. Meier began by talking to 
friends—liberals, Democrats, journal- 
ists—about such things as Air West. 
Maheu and Meier both talked with col- 
umnist Jack Anderson. The conversations 
resulted in articles that were potentially 
more disastrous for both the Hughes 
people and the White House than the 
column by Drew Pearson, Anderson's 
predecessor, about the 1956 loan. Ander- 
son, for example, was the first to print, in 
August 1971, the outline of the $100,000 
payoff to Nixon through Rebozo. 
deman wanted Rebozo kept out of 
it "at all costs,” and now Anderson was 
bringing him into it. Anderson told 
pLaynoy: "That column, and every other 
column 1 wrote about Hughes and N 
on, provoked a reaction so much strong- 
er than on any other subject I could 
write about. They went crazy over there 


188 whenever 1 linked them to Howard 


Hughes. And I learned from sources in 
the White House inner circle that they 
believed the source for that column about 
the $100,000 to Rebozo was Larry 
OBrien. They were mistaken, but they 
were convinced at the time that I was 
getting my stuff on Hughes and Nixon 
from Larry O'Brien, 

The tension gradually increased 
through 1971. Maheu and Meier talked 
more and more. The agency, the Hughes 
empire and the White House became 
more and more concerned. In the 
Watergate testimony, several witnesses 
alluded to their nervousness about the 
struggle within the Hughes organization 
and its potential for serious political 
embarrassment. 

In early 1972, the Clifford Irving biog- 
raphy of Hughes surfaced in the press 
as a fraud, prompting an unprecedented 
phone call from either Hughes or a man 
purporting to be Hughes. The reason for 
suspicion about the identity of the man 
making the call is the fact that he couldn't. 

nswer several of the identifying qui 
tions put to him by reporters who sup- 
posedly had known him. In the four-hour 
conversation, the voice rambled dis 
jointedly, going into extended discourses 
оп such topics as the way in which he 
trimmed his fingernails and the advan- 
tages of a clipper over a scissors. At one 
point, the voice said, Maheu “robbed me 
blind.” sending Maheu into a rage that 
ended in a $17,300,000 defamation suit 
against Summa. In the course of this 
action, a very angry Maheu began telling 
even more about the internal workings 
of the organization as they related to 
Nixon and the CI 

* He presented a tape recording of a 
phone call from Hughes, who tcid nim in 
reference to a possible move to the Ba- 
ha . “If I were to make this move, I 
would expect you to wrap up that goy- 
ernment down there to a. point where it 
will be, well а captive entity in every 
way." 

+ July 4, 1972, Maheu gave the first 
detailed account of the famous $100,000 
gift to Nixon—in a sworn deposition. 
While there had been some question be- 
fore, Maheu now stated conclusively that 
the money was unquestionably meant 
for Nixon. 

+ He revealed that approval for 
Hughes's purchase of additional inos 
was a favor granted by Nixon implying 
that Hughes had bought Nixon off. 

* He described showing Hughes execu- 
tive Ray Holliday the Hughes memo ask- 
ing Maheu to give Lyndon Johnson the 
51,000,000 bribe to stop atomic tests. 
“Mr. Holliday," Maheu said under oath, 
"dropped the yellow sheet of paper to the 
floor and requested of me whether or 
not his fingerprints could be taken off 
the piece of papa 

Although some of this was to take place 
after the Watergate break-in, its general 
impact gives an idea of how far Mahcu 


was willing to go. He had apparently 
decided to pull out all the stops and blast 
the organization. 

In some ways, Meier represented even 
more of a threat, especially to the White 
House. His close friendship with Don 
Nixon, as mentioned before, had long 
been a source of concern for the Presi 
dent. Although Donald and Meier were 
told at various points to keep away from 
each other, Don wanted to maintain his 
Hughes connection and Meier had a job 
to do. Meier, after all, was charged by 
Hughes with hi i iness dealings 
with Don. Don later testified to the Water- 
gate committee that he viewed Meicr as 
“the number-two man with Hughes.” The 
Secret Service had already tapped Don's 
telephone because of his connections with 
Hughes, and as early as July 1969, the 
Secret Service had, as mentioned, photo- 
graphed Meier and Don at the Orange 
County Airport, prompting an angry call 
to Don from Rebozo. But Don persisted 
in seeing Meier, which led to yet a 
other embarrassing column by Anderson. 
Meier was going to have lunch with 
George Clifford, an Anderson investigator, 
and Don joined them, only to start brag 
ging about his onal whecling- 
dealing. A Febru 1, 1972, Anderson 
column reads, "Suddenly he fixed his 
tor [Meier] connected with 
West. ‘How do I get Air 
West? Donald demanded. ‘We ought to 
do their catering. They owe me that!” 
The story “upset the entire Nixon fam- 
ily,” according to Meier, who was told 
that by Don. 

Just the seamier aspects of the Air 
West story were enough to threaten Nix- 
on's chances of re-election. Nixon hadn't 
forgotten the disasters of 1960 and 1962, 
caused by the Nixon family’s relationship. 
with Hughes, and in carly 1972, his old 
nightmare was showing signs of repcat- 
ing itself, and all because of the fallout 
from the internal Hughes explosion. On 
February third, The New York Times 
added a new dimension by carrying a 
story saying that Las Vegas Sun publisher 
Hank Greenspun had a safe full of 
Hughes memos. One day later, Mitchell 
met with Liddy and the result was Liddy's 
belief that he had the go-ahead for two 
missions: the burglary of Greenspun’s 
safe and a mission into O'Brien's office 
at the Watergate. 


Friends throughout the Hughes organ- 
ization had warned Meier not to get into 
politics after the 1970 blowup. He was 
told the organization would “ruin” him if 
he did. Meier ignored them, determined 
to get to the bottom of what he regarded 
as the mysterious disappearance of Hughes 
and to get on with his own career, now 
that he'd lost his position with Hughes. 
He decided to run for the U. S. Senate 
from New Me ist an old friend 
of Nixon's, Pete Domenici. Meier an- 
nounced his candidacy on January 11, 


id as the election усаг started, 
the White House had cause for alarm at 
Meier's conversations not only with Jack 
Anderson but with high-level McGovern 
supporters as well. 

telling them," Meier says, “that 
my feeling was that McGovern stood a 
chance of ing the election only if he 

X on in areas such as his rela- 
ihip with Hughes, such as the fact 
that I was told directly by Hughes to lay 
off the AEC because he had а deal with 
the President that he would get approval 
for the acquisition of Air West. And I 

as sitting there in Don Nixon's house, 
listening to him talk to Nixon in the 
White House about Air West and Hughes. 
Now, where are those tapes between Don 
and Richard Nixon? Nixon had Don's 
phone tapped. Why didn't those tapes 
come ош?” 

Left alone, Meier stood a good chance 
of winning over who was 
thought to be a weak opponent. But in 
the next five months, before M lost 
in his campaign for the Demoa 
ination, he experienced a series of dis- 
asters. According to an affidavit by Harry 
Evans, Meier's campaign coordinator, 
Tom Benayidez, then a New Mexico sen- 
ator, Was managing the campaign and had 
his real-estate offices burglarized of 
Me ers, including tax records. 
Benavidez found a transmitting device 
on his office phone. The campaign was 
being directed from that office. Evans" 
report to. Meier on the state's political 
structure was stolen wll someone 
broke into the Downtowner Motel room 
in which Evans was staying. (The wire 
tapping and burglaries by that time were 
nothing new to Meier. As carly as Janu- 
ary 27, 1970, he was at the Fontainebleau 
in Miami with his wife and their тоот 
was broken into. Meiers files were 
taken and he reported the incident to 
the police.) 

"Telephone threats on Meier's life be- 
came so common that he had to get 
a police monitor on his phones in an 
attempt to trace the calls. Although Ме 
had never met Clifford Irving—and so 
testified—he was dragged before а Fed- 
eral grand jury in New Y 
ing the hoax and subjected to heavy 
publicity about his possible involvement. 

As soon as Meier was cleared of the 
Irving er, Summa sued him and 
others, claiming $9,000,000 had been 
swindled from Hughes in mining deals. 

Then, in May, someone leaked the 
коху to the press that Me was under 


At the end of 1971, the IRS and 
the Justice Department—presumably un- 
aware of the depth of the CIA connec- 
tions to Hughes—sent teams of dozens 
of volunteer agents into Las Vegas to 
vestigate Hughe Nevada Operations. The 
heat was on in Vegas, considering that 


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Intertel, Hughes, IRS, Justice, the CIA 
and who knew who else were all there 
spying on one another. According to 
Hunt's own Watergate testimony, “It was 
Mr. Bennett who told me that if I ever 
got out to Las Vegas, to be very careful 
even of using a telephone booth there: 
there was so much electronic surveillance 
out there that he for one would not even 
trust a coin phone in Las Vegas.” 

It wasn't surprising. The IRS was un- 
covering what The Wall Street Journal 
called the largest skimming operation the 
IRS had ever seen. In its July 31, 1972, 
report, the Journal said, “The billionaire 
was roundly fleeced . . . the noose is begin- 
ning to tighten.” It quoted a “seasoned” 
Federal agent as saying the situation 
involved "some of the most incredible 
swindles Гус ever seen" and described the 
‘massive investigative force that is comb- 
ing Las Vegas, several other U.S. cities 
and such remote points as the Nether- 
lands and the Domi: Republic.’ 

А minimum of $50,000,000 could not be 
accounted for right at the outset and all 
indications were that there were more mys- 
teries where that came from. Spokesmen 
for the IRS admitted to total bafflement 
about how business had been conducted 

п Vegas since Hughes arrived. 

Nixon's problem was that some money 
was intentionally moved in circuitous 
ways because at least $100,000 had been 
en from casinos and passed to Rebozo, 
armarked for the White Hou: The 
IRS was beginning to turn up bits and 
ieces of evidence pointing to a Hughes- 
Nixon relationship and the i 
tion was immediately flagged “sensitive.” 
In May 1972, less than a month before 
the Watergate breakin, Roger Barth, 
stant to the commissioner of the 
IRS, reported to Ehrlichm: the White 
House. He said the IRS had developed 
information that might embarrass the 
President (meaning ruin his chances for 
re-election). ic IRS further told Ehr- 
lichman that Donald Nixon's name kept 
coming up in the Hughes inyestigation. 

The sequence of events leading up to 
Watergate reads like a asion pla 

* During January, Albuquer- 
que home was broke 

= During February, 
in at Meier's room at the Marriott Hotel 
in New Yor 

* During March, two additional Albu- 
querque break-ins were made at Meier's 
campaign offices. 

= Meier's Senate campaign ran from 
January 11 to June 6 Less than 
two weeks before the break-in at Water- 
sate, he lost the primary, his campaign 
1 a shambles. 


‘The situation was beginning to get out 
of hand for Hughes, the CLA and the 
White House. Even for them, it was an 
awfully active schedule of larceny. 

The three groups had many worries in 


190 common. They also had in common E. 


Howard Hunt, inasmuch as he was em- 
ployed by Bennett, had been one of the 
С1А% top clandestine talents and was in 
1971 on a daily retainer of $100 from 
the White House to do special projects. 
Liddy had worked with Hunt before. By 
late 1971, he was doing "law-enforce- 
ment" work for the White House. He had 
a flair for wild schemes, guns, fast cars 
and planes. It was Liddy who originally 
proposed to Mitchell the brutal tactics 
for sabotaging the Democratic campaign 
(such as hiring a yacht full of prostitutes 
to lure Democrats into compromising 
situations). 

Hunt and Liddy had planned to drug 
Anderson to make him incoherent during 
a public appearance and thereby discredit 
him. Every time someone got close to the 
Hughes connecti he was bugged or 
burglarized or discredited. 

By the spring of 1972, militaristic 
зсапйу actions had become almost 
day-to-day business for Hunt, Liddy and 
associates. There were at least two 
failed attempts to break into Watergate 
(Liddy, in his typical style, had even 
suggested shooting out a streetlight to give 
the break-in team the cover of darkness 
for a job aimed at McGover's head- 
quarter). Then in late May, the plumb- 
ers, under the direction of Hunt and 
Liddy, entered the Democratic National 
Headquarters in Watergate for the first 
time. They placed electronic bugging de- 
vices, which were monitored from the 
Howard Johnson's across the street and 
reduced to memo form, 

In the process of scrambling to re- 
establish some semblance of sccurity, 
the White House, the agency and the 
Hughes organization also found O'Brien 
worrisome. His old relationship with 
Maheu and his friends conversations 
with Meier could be providing the Demo- 
crats with some unbeatable ammunition 
for the election. Maheu and Meier could 
also threaten the integrity of. America's 
largest covert-operations front. The 
plumbers had already been in the Water- 
gate once in May. There were so many 
taps in place already, it was probably not 
even considered a very important job to 
place a couple of eavesdropping devices 
on the phones of O'Brien and one of his 
assistants, R. Spencer Oliver, Jr. (whose 
father worked for Bennett at Mullen & 
Company), «ind to photograph some docu- 
ments at the same time. 

Liddy, Hunt, the agency, the Hughes 
organization, the White House all re 
ed it by that time as just part of business as 
usual. And the June 17 Watergate brea 
in would have been just another small 
job—a repeat performance, in fi 
process of finding out just w , 
going on with Meier, Maheu, O'Brien, 
Greenspun, Andcrson—the entire nex! 
of the Hughes connection and the 
mass of information swirling around 
it. It would have been just another step. 
if the burglars hadn't been caught. That 


opened the floodgates. During the next 
year, the only thing to do was to head 
for high ground. But someone had to go 
down. Someone had to take the blame. 
"The only thing certain at that point was 
that it wasn't going to be the world's 
largest CIA cover organization or the 
CIA itself. 

In the following months, different ver- 
sions of the motive for the burglary would 
be rolled out: First, it was a group of 
anti-Castroites who had pulled off the 
job, believing McGovern to be pro- 
Castro; then it was a band of overzealous 
campaign workers pulling a y trick 
on the opposition; and finally, of course, 
it was a group of plumbers hired directly 
by the White House. Supposedly, as the 
drama unfolded, the public would be 
getting closer and closer to the truth, 

But of the three interested parties— 
the White House, the CIA and the 
Hughes organization—two of them had 
the power to ensure that the whole truth 
never emerge. As the White House portion 
of the cover-up began to crumble, it 
would become clear that Nixon could not 
ved and would have to be thrown 
overboard to keep the CIA and Hughes 
afloat. The attention of the news media 
would have to be focused on the White 
House alone—surely a large enough tar- 
get for tenacious journalists. Robert Ben- 
nett, Hughes publicrelations man and 
director of а CIA front, would play a 
fascinating, complex and mysterious role. 
He would supply information to a num- 


ber of newsmen; notably, Bob Wood- 
ward. In the following year, Woodward 


and his partner, Carl Bernstein, would 
write the stor credited with bringing 


down the President, stories that would 
make 


journalistic history without ever 
g Hughes or the CIA in any 
v relationship to the motive 
in. In Woodward. 
nd Bernstein's two books, which are the 
most popularly accepted accounts of the 
Watergate scandal, Howard Hughes's 
name is mentioned only in passing. 
Clearly, Hughes and the CIA were 
more important than a mere President. 
They were the magic box in which the 
country’s most sensitive secrets were kept. 
It had almost come open and those in 
charge of its security were determined 
not to let it happen again. The magic box 
had to be closed once and for all and 
whocver wasn't inside—God help him. 


This is the first of a two-part series. 
In November, the conclusion: Bennett 
secretly provides stories to Woodward; 
Nixon falls, but the CIA succeeds in cover- 
ing ils own tracks; Hughes's death, under 
circumstances even more suspicious than 
previously reported, causes Summa and the 
CIA drastic problems requiring drastic 
action, including a tentative peace feeler 
to their old foc, Meier; the scramble 
behind the scenes for a Hughes will. 


«Т can't believe you're making such a fuss, dear. You're 
always telling me to have anice day.” 


191 


PLAYBOY 


192 


WILL CARL DIVORCE MYRNA? 


and vice versa. The point of all this is 
basically the same as that of soap operas 
themselves; which is to say, there is none. 


PART 1 
MULTIPLE CHOICE QUIZ 


1. In All My Children, Аппеѕ mother, 
Phoebe, disapproves of her daughter's 

e to Nick because: 

А. Nick wore a tutu to the en- 
gagement party М 

В. Nick doesn't have enough 
pathetic problems to keep the 

mily occupied 

k is the illegitimate son of 

ara, who had an affair with 
Ted, who lost a lot of moncy 
to Chuck, who is separated from 
Louise, who was run over by a 
Mack truck 

D. Nick is the illegitimate son of 
Mack Truck, who had an affair 
with Louise, who is separated. 


from Joe, who paid for Jo- 
anne's abortion 

E. Nick is below Anne' social 
dass 


2. General Hospilal's Jim Hobart, a 
professor at the University Medical 
School, becomes extremely agi 
when Audrey suggests tha 

A. He would be happier at the 
bottom of a lake 


(continued from page 111) 


B. 


3. In an episode of Another 


Ma 


He use both hands while per- 
forming open-heart surgery 


. She go away by herself to think 


things out 


. He is having an aflair with Gri- 


selda Frobisher 


. He divorce his wife, pay for an 


abortion. mortgage the house. 
tell Fred he is adopted and 
strangle the organist 


World, 


ne confides in Mike and 


Glenda that she is afraid to return 
home to Bay City because: 


А 


- She's m. 


Everybody except her is preg 
nant divorced, separated or 
adopted 


- Her husband has planted a 


bomb in her car. 


. Her friends would notice that 


she'd had а nose job 
de such a dismal mess 
of her life 


- Her furniture might have got- 


ten dusty 


4. Which of the following is not one of 
Scott (Search for Tomorrow) Phillips’ 
problems? 


A. 
B. 
c. 


His father died 
He doesn't love his wife 
He's paralyzed from the neck 


alcoholi 
fe had a mi: 


“There it is! You see? Right therein the Talmud! 


‘Feeda cold and starve a fever 


э 


5. In order to embarrass his father, 
Tony Harris (One Life to Live) de- 
cides to: 

A. Put ketchup in hisshoes 

B. Enter a beauty contest. 

С. Open a topless bar 

D. Play the kazoo at his brother's 
funeral 

E. Marry his father's mistress 


6. Ruth and Joe Martin of All My Chil 
dren developed a close relationship 
because they wer 

А. Siamese twins joined at the 
nose 

B. Separated, divorced, illegiti- 
mate, miscarriages, adopted, 
etc. 

©. On the same chain gang 

D. Widowed 

E. Capricorns 

7. Noel of Edge of Night visits the lı 


piece of medical equipment 
xcraldine alive is: 
A used Hudson Hornet hooked 
up to a bubble pipe 
В. A tape recording of Henny 
Youngman jokes 
C. A respirator 
D. A rectal delineator 
E. A thrombotic pos 
combobulator 
S. In Ryan's Hope, Faith а 
Bucky that she's "hung up" on Pat 
yan and that she feels miscrable 


he just ate some bad gefilte 
fish 

В. She just found out she wasn't 
adopted 

C. She hates the name Pat and 
prefers Bucky 

D. She promised herself 
wouldn't let it happen 
She doubts whether she can 

find mue happiness with a 

hamster 


she 


9. Roger of The Guiding Light finally 


tells Peggy hes the father of Holly 
Bauer's baby. Peggy is shocked and 
says bitterly that she can't live with 
a man who: 

A. Sleeps in thegarage 

B. Is not adopted 

C. Wears a helicopter beanie to 

bed 


р. 
E. Sitsso 


asily 
. In Search for Tomorrow, Steve veal- 


izes he 
of 


an no longer keep the truth 
illness from Liza. After his re- 
lease from the hospital, Steve sits 
down with Liza and tells her that he 
has acute: 

A. Litue puppy dog 

B. Adoption syndrome 

C. Toe ache 

D. 1 

E Thrombotic infraction of the 

culinary 


cukemia 


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193 


PLAYBOY 


194 


اا 


BAR + GRILLE 


“<The city is thereby empowered to seize said films 
found to be in violation of local community standards.’ ” 


PART Il 
WHO NEEDS THIS 
AGGRAVATION? 


Every soap-opera character 
his or her own personal tsoor 
when someone in 2 soaper 
find out he’: 
when the organ music st. 
ally, everybody in the 
munity has found out а 
else's problem by the time the commer- 
i word travels fast in 5 

. Here is a list of prob 
T of the characters who have 
them. Your job is to match them. A little 
organ music, maestro. 


beset by 
We know 


1. Has a sex hangup 
2. Has dizzy spells 

3. Is impotent 

4. Had an abortion 

. Is an alcoholic 

Is in a coma 

. Has delective kidneys 
8. Is deaf and dumb 

9. Has a low sperm count 
10, Had a face lift 

11. Was paralyzed 

12. Had malaria 

13. Has leukemia 


A. Nick (All My Children) 

B. Steve (Search for Tomorrow) 

C. Loretta (Mary Hartman, Mary 
Hartman) 

D. Jenny (One Life to Live) 

E. Scott (Scarch for Tomorrow) 


F. 
С. Tom (Магу Hartman, Mary Hart- 


Еа 


Amanda (Days of Our Lives) 


man) 


Н. Margo (All My Children) 
. Steve (Mary Hartman, Mary Hart- 


man) 


- Marianne (Another World) 
. Joan (The Doctors) 

„ Susan (Days of Our Lives) 

. Chuck (All My Children) 


PART Ш 
WHAT'S WHAT 


Five of the following are actual plot 
summaries of actual episodes from actual 


soapel 


The others are phonies. See if 


you can spot the real ones. 


A. 


. Heather and Bobb: 


. Joe, the adopted son of ВШ 


Lance has an affair with Lenore, 
who will not tell him that she is 
suffering from terminal cancer. Lit- 
Пе does she know that Lance, hav- 
ing overheard a conversation in the 
hospital reception room, already 
knows this. 


ive at a par- 
ty dressed in Thirties costumes. 
Heather is wearing a blonde wig, 
ight-fiting dress and lots of 
ake-up. Jerry thinks Heather has 
lost her marbles when the two of 
n break into a song-and-dance 
е. 

ig found out where Naomi is 
buried, Willie visits the Collins 
family mausoleum and unsuccess- 
fully tries to open ket. 
nd 
arjorie Shmendrake, is involved 


mi’s 


in a heated affair with an older 
woman who turns out to be his 
long-lost mother. 

E. After the local basketball coach 
drowns in a bowl of her chicken 
soup, Mary offers to pay the funer- 
al expenses, 

F. Although she knows it means Linc 
will find out that she and Hal were 
married and never legally divorced. 
Kitty tells Hal she will not turn i 
a load of Espada soap conta 
cocaine. 

. Upset over losing her baby, Cath- 
ine tries to commit suicide by 

ng sleeping pills. George finds 

п time and calls 
who saves her life. 
H. Before resigning from his job, Dick 
breaks down and asks Henry to 
pray with him. When Dick begins 
to curl up or the floor and weep, 
Henry starts calling him a meatball. 
. When the psychotic lab technician 
climbs through the window 
threatens to kill Faith, she s 
ng her father, who chases the 
and falls off the roof. 

Dick goes on a long trip without 

g Jerry, and Barry gets so an- 

gry he tells Dick not to bother com- 

ing home. 


ANSWERS 


PART 1 
EER 


PART Ш 

Real Plots: 

B (Somerset) 

C (Dark Shadows) 

E (Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman) 
F (All My Children) 

1 (Ryan's Hope) 


ФАЙ 


(continued from page 98) 
“That'd burn down my proposition,” 
he said. 

Nobody has а job in a carnival; he has 
a proposition. 

“I've never blown anybody's cover. 
Never. 

“It'd be dull, anyway," he said. 

"No such thing as a dull subject. Only 
dull writers. Think about it, will you?” 

"TII think about i 

I figured I might as well remind him 
he owed me. That's the way I am. “You 
could still be over there on the floor with 
that cowboy walking around on your 
асе. 

It took a little doing, but he finally let 
me go with him for a while. I particularly 
wanted to see the gamblers one more 
time on the circuit and I knew I had to 
do it soon or they would be gone forever. 
Twenty years ago, practically every carni- 
val had flat stores. But the flats are not 
welcome in very many carnivals today. 
Of the more than 800 carnivals that 
work this county, probably fewer than 
50 still have flat joints. Ten years from 
now, I don't believe there will be any 
n 

They are condemned because of the 
heat they generate. If a flat is allowed, 
the carnies say, to work strong, there will 
be fistfights, stabbings and maybe even a 
shooting or two in a season, all direct 
results of the flatstore operation. Every 
carnival has a patch, who does just what 
the word says. He patches up things. He 
is the fixer, making right whatever beefs 
come down. Generally, flats keep the 
patch very busy. 

Perhaps unique in the history of carni- 
, Charlie Luck—a flatie himself— 
Iso the patch. He was able to oper- 
te as the patch only because he usually 
did not actively run a joint. Rather, he 
had two nts who worked for him in 
flat stores he independently booked with 
the owner of the carnival. So far, I'd 
traveled 600 miles with him and I'd seen 
no rcal violence in his flats—some very 
pissed-off people but no violence. And 
now, this was to be the last weekend be- 
fore I went back to Florida. We'd just 
made a circus jump—tearing down and 
moving and setting up in less than a 
single day. It took me a long time to get 
back to sleep, because the ride boy had 
dropped а 


s 


nother capsule, strapped on the 
lot lady and was noisily working out at 
the other end of the van. 

They did, however, finally rock me to 
sleep and | didn't wake up until late 
afternoon. The carnival Charlie Luck 
was with worked nothing but still dates, 
which is to say it never joined any fairs 
where they have contests for the best bull 
or the best cooking or the biggest pump- 
Kin. Fair dates work all day. Still dates 
never have much business until late 
afternoon and night. I changed my 


Alive with pleasure! 


Newport 


isn't a pleasure, 
why bother? 


Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined 
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. 


After all, if smoking | 


195 


PLAYBOY 


dothes in the van and went out onto 
the midway. 

The music on the Ferris wheel and at 
the Octopus had already cranked up. The 
smell of popcorn and cotton candy and 
caramel apples was heavy on the air. A 
few marks from the town had showed up 
with their kids. Several fat, clucking 
mothers were herding a group of retard- 
ed children down the midway like so 
many ducks. I didn't know where Charlie 
was. He had a trailer, but he usually 
slept in a motel. I walked over to get a 
corn dog and while I was waiting for it, 
I listened to two ride boys, both of them 
in their carly 20s, talk about shooting up. 
They were as dirty as they could get and 
as they talked, their teeth showed broken 

nd yellow in their moutlis. All the work- 
стз on carnivals have European teeth. 
nybody with all his teeth is suspect. 
Scveral locals were standing about eating 
corn dogs, but the two ride boys went 
right ahead discussing needles and the 
downers they had melted and shot up. 
"They were speaking Carny, a language I 
can speak imperfectly if I do it very 
slowly. When I hear it spoken rapidly, I 
can understand it just well enough to 
know what the subject of discussion is 
without knowing exactly what is being 
said. 

"The marks stared at the two boys bab- 
bling on in this strange language full of 
Zs and Ss. God knows what the marks 
thought they were speaking. In Carny, the 
word beer becomes bee-a-zeer and the sen: 
tence Beer is good becomes Beea-zcer 
eeazay geea-zood. It is not too difficult 
as long as you are speaking їп mono- 
syllables. But when you use a polysyllabic 
word, cach syllable becomes a kind of 
word in itself. The word mention would 
be spoken mee-a-zen sheea-zun. 

It is a language unique to carnivals, 
with no roots anywhere else, so far as I 
know. And it does what it is supposed 
to do very effectively by creating a bar- 
rier between carnies and outsiders. Above. 
everything else, the carny world is a 
self-contained society with its own social 
order and its own taboos and morality. 
rt of that morality is the im- 
ve against telling outsiders the se- 
crets of the carnival. Actually, it goes 
beyond that. There is an imperative 
ainst telling outsiders the truth about 
p. That was what made being 
je Luck as asit was. 
Either one of us could have bcen scverely 
spoken to if what we were doing had 
got out. 

I ate my corn dog as I walked down 
past the Octopus and the Zipper and the 
Sky Wheel and past the House of Mii 
rors. I was on my way for a quick look 
at the ten-in-one, which I had seen every 
day I'd traveled with Charlie Luck. Ten- 
in-one is the carny name for a freak show, 
possibly because there are often ten at- 
tractions under one tent. This was a good 


196 one but not a great one. 


1 was especially fond of the Fat Lady 
and her friends there under the tent. I 
think I know why, and I know I know 
when I started loving freaks. 

Almost 20 years аро, when I had just 
gotten out of the Marine Corps, I woke 
up one day in an stream trailer in 
anta, Georgia. The trailer was owned 
by a man and his wife. They were freaks. 
1 was a caller for the show. My call was 
not particularly good, but it was good 
enough to get the job and to keep it. 
nd that was all it was to me, a job, 
something to do, The second week I had 
the job, I was able to rent a place to 
sleep in the Airstream from the freak man 
and his freak wife. I woke up that morn- 
ing in Atlanta looking at both of them 
where they stood at the other end of the 
trailer in the kitchen. They stood per- 
fectly still in the dim, yellow light, their 
backs to each other. I could not see their 
faces, but I was close enough to hear them 
clearly when they spoke. 

“What's for supper, darling?” he said. 

"Franks and beans, with a nice litde 
salad." she said. 

"ТШ try to be in early,” he said. 

And then they шгпей to each other 
under the yellow light. The lady had a 
beard not quite as thick as my own but 
three inches long and very black. The 
man's face had a harelip. His face, not 
his mouth. His face was divided so that 
the top of his nose forked. His eyes were 
positioned almost on the sides of his 
head and in the middle was a third cye 
that was not really an eye at all but a 
kind of false lid over a round indentation 
that saw nothing. It was enough, though. 
to mike you taste bile in your throat and 
cause a cold fear to start in your heart. 

They 
and J heard them murmur to each other 
and he was gone through the door. And 
I, lying at the back of the trailer, was 
never the same again. 

I have never stopped remembering 
that, as wondrous and special as those two 
pcople were, they were only talking about. 
and looking forward to and n 
cisely what all of the rest of us 
nd look forward to and need. He might 
have been any husband going to any job 
anywhere, He just happened to have 
that divided face. That is not a very 
startling revelation, I know, but it is one 
most of us resist because we have that 
word normal and we can say we are nor- 
mal because a psychological, sexual or 
even spiritual abnormality can—with a 
little luck—be safely hidden from the 
rest of the world. But if you are less than 
three feet tall, you have to deal with that 
fact every second of every day of your 
life. And everyone witnesses your effo 
You go into a bar and you can't get up 
onto a stool. You whistle down a taxi 
and you can't open the door. If you're a 
lady with a beard, every face you meet 
is a mirror to give you back the disgust 
and horror and unreasonableness of your 


predicament, No matter which corner 
you turn on which strect in which city of 
the world, you can expect to meet that 
mirror. 

And 1 suppose I have never been able 
to forgive myself the grotesqueries and 
aberrations I am able to hide with such 
impunity in my own life. 

Inside the tent, the Fat Lady was al- 
ready up on her platform, ready for the 
day's business. She had a pasteboard box 
under her chair. The box was filled with 
cinnamon buns that her manager bought 
for her. She could get through about ten 
pounds of cinnamon buns a day. Her 
manager said he'd owned her—that wa 
his phrase, owned her—for three years 
and in that time he had never scen her 
eat any meat. She stuck, he said, pretty 
much to pastries. 

“How is it today, Bertha? 

She nodded to me, put the last of a 
cinnamon bun into her mouth and 
reached for another one. Her little eyes 
deep in her face were very bright and 
quick as a bird's. 

"You seen Charlie Luck?” I said. 1 
wasn't really looking for him. I just 
wanted to talk a little to Bertha. 

"He was here with one-eyed Petey,” 
she said. “You want one of these?” 

“Thanks, but I just had a corn d. 

"Luck's probably back in the Gop, 
cutting up jack pots. 

“Probably,” I said. 

Cutting up jack pots is what carnies 
call it when they get together and tell 
one another about their experiences, 
mostly lies. The Tattooed Man came in 
with the Midget and the Midget’s moth- 
er. The Midget’s mother was nearly 
tall as I was and very thin. She always 
looked inexpressibly sad. During the 
show, she wandered among the marks, 
selling postcards with a picture of her 
tiny son on them for а quarter 
The Tattooed Man had intrica 
signs in his ears. Little lowers grew on 
his nose and disappeared right up his 
i miracle of color. 


"^I surely do ad = 


id. 

How come I got ^m 
from Mississippi and 
voice. 

"How 
you go 

"Wouldn't start to know. For 
all I'd do was put ever nickel 1 could 
hand to for pictures.” 

He had eyelashes and an eyelid tat- 
tooed around his asshole. It looked just 
like a kind of bloodshot eye and he could. 
make it wink. For two dollars over and. 
above the regular price of admission to 
the ten-in-one show, you could go behind 
a little curtain and he'd do it for you. 
Carnies have nothing but a deep, abid- 

contempt for marks and what they 
think of as the straight world, 
where is that contempt more v 
pressed than in the Tattooed Man's 


ad a good grit 


ckon 


many dollars’ worth you 


“Would you like to know what her hobbies really ате?” 


197 


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PLAYBOY 


response when I asked him why he had 
the сус put in there. 

“Making them bastards pay two dollars 
to look up my asshole gives me more real 
pleasure than anything else I've ever 
done. 

Charlie Luck came in looking for me 
and handed me five dollars. ^I sent the 
k into town. T hat's your half. 
"Charlie, that was 2 
The guy took it said he got ten.” 
And you believed him: 

He took another five out of his pocket 
and handed it to me. "What the hell. 
take it all. He was probably lying and. 
besides, it was your van. You oughta 
have it all.” 

Charlie d 


rly loved а hustle, any 
hustle, on anybody. "Come on out here 
I want to sec you a minute. 
As we were leaving, Bertha called 
round a mouthful of cinnamon bun, 
‘That's а wonderful siren; I liked it a 
lot." 

"Thank you, Ba 
sweet of you to s 
Out on the midway, Charlie Luck said 
“You thought айу more about what I 
asked you 


I said. “That's 


"Ies mot a little thing. I'm liable to 
get my head handed to me.” 

"You not working the show, you just 
traveling with me. You don't know any- 
body on this show. ІСП be all right. No- 
body's going to mind.” 

"You don't know th. 

“I'm telling you I do know that. Irll 
be all right. You're leaving tomorrow, 
ay. And I gotta know. I gotta have 

id. detailed report, 
"Report, for Christ's sak 


was nailing this lady named Rose who 
worked in the girlie show. Like the Tat- 
toved Man, Rose had a specialty act 
that the marks could see by paying ext 
Rose also had а husband. A large, mean, 
easy husband who worked on the Fer- 
is wheel. Charlie Luck wanted ta know 
t she did in her specialty act. She 
tell him. He couldn't ро see 
self, because one of the strong- 
boos in the carnival world is against 
carnies’ going to the girlie show. Most 
of the gi nds and 
the feeling is that it i 
your wife to the marks but fundamentally 
wrong to show her io another carny, one 
of your own world. 

“Hey, come in here and let 
fortune told," I said. 

We were pa gypsy fortuneteller 
and 1 was reminded of the gypsies and 
their wagons passing through Gcorgia 
when 1 was a boy. But mostly I was just 
wig to get Charlie Luck to stop think- 


е get my 


id you never come on to my game 
agai 

J just wanted my fortune 
t tell time, much less 


not the most liberal people 
in the world. A few blacks are tolerated 
ау laborers, and maybe an occasional 
psy to run а mitt camp. or fortune: 
telling booth, but not too long ago, it 
wasn't unusual to sec advertisements in 
Amusement Business, the weekly news- 
per devoted in part to carnivals, that 
id plainly No RAGHEADS. 
“Lool id Charlie Luck, “You think 
you seen my proposition. But you haven't 
seen me take any real moncy off anybody. 
Go bring this thing back for me and 
II run the game tonight. IH run it 
strong.” 

“You don't have to run it strong,” I 
id. 
“I will, though, if you'll do this thing.” 

Charlie got bent bad over women, I 
found out later that the cowboy was on 
him in the Yeehaw Junction over 
a woman, although I never fonnd out 
precisely what it was about. But Charlie 
was, to use the kindest word, kinky when 
it came to ladies. Everybody I talked to 
said the same thi bout him. I don't 
know why this was true, or how long it 
d been true of him. and I didn't wy 
to find out. It wasn't any of my business. 
es he wanted to tell m d hc 
didn't seem to. The girlie show had only 
joined us at the date preceding the circus 
up. E was with Charlie Luck the first 
time he saw Rose in the G-top. He had 
known her now a total of four days, but 
he reminded me of the way Га been 
when I fell totally and deeply in love 
the first time, at the age of 15. Неа honed 
for Rose from the first second he saw her 
and had managed to nail her two hours 
. He'd asked me for the 
her to 


Then he 
his soft brown cap— 
you see he 
w her, € 
she beautiful? God, 1 practically 
never seen anything like her in 
e world 
“Right,” I said. 
She looked about 48 years old, thick 
igh and hip, but had slender. al- 
nost skinny calves. The left cif w 
adly varicosed. Her face was a butter 
ask of make-up. I couldn't figure what 
the hell she had done in there to him to 
string him out so bad. When I finalh 
pt into the van to drive to town, it 
smelled as though most of the salmon of 
the world had been slowly tortured to 
death all over my red-and-black carpeting. 
“АП right,” E said finally, as we walked 
down the midway. “Ill catch Rose's bit 
for you, if you want me to. But I want 
you to remember one thing. / 


almost 


i 


I don't want any conversation about 
You know, they used to cut off the heads 
of the guys who brought bad news to the 
king.” 

ow, what the hell's tha 


supposed to 


men 

Nothing,” I said. “It means nothing. 

“T'I cach you after the eighto'clock 
show,” he said. “I goua go settle а beef 
about а fifty-cent piece of slum. The shit 
I put up with. 

Slum is what carnies call the cheap 
merchandise they give out in the Ише 
booths that line the 
reason, hanky-panks 
called slum joints. Hanky-panks. 
ple games of skill such as throwing darts 
at balloons. Alibis are games in which 
the agent is continually making 
about why you did not win. Also, 


unlike hanky-panks—are liable to be 
galfed, or rigged, and they are also liable 
to have a stick who is said to work the gaff. 


A stick is a guy who pretends to be a mark 
and by his presence induces the towns- 
people to р 


I strolled down the midw: nd 
ched it all come down. A stick who 
was working the galf at a game called six 


cat was winning tons of slum. Six cat is 
an alibi in which the object is to knock 
down two cats at once with a ball. The 


stick quit playing as soon as he had at- 
agent 


tracted half a dozen marks. The 


а hair an’ you woulda won! Too much 
left. Bring it down, br nd 
win it for the lady.” 
T watched the mark fi 
piece of plush. in this case a small, 
slighdy soiled cloth giraffe. The poor 
bastard had paid only $12 for somethi 


Hy get thrown 


he could have bought for two and a 
quarter ош in the city. The six cat was 
galfed, or fixed, and the agent had done 


what's called cooling the mark by re- 
warding hi with a prize after he had 
taken as much money as he thought he 
could get away with. 

shty-five million people or there- 
abouts go to carnivals every year in this 
country and I do ive the 
impression that all of them are cheated. 
Most of them are not. But the particular 
carnival Charlie Luck was run 


ТШ, 


is called а тар bag and it m 
everything is pretty run-down, greasy and 
suspect. The man who books the dates 


and organizes the lot in such an op 
tion will allow anything to come down 
he thinks the locals will stand for. Few 
people realize that one person or family 
almost never owns a carnival. One per- 
put together 
tion of dates in spe 
then invite independent concessionaires 
to join him. If you look in the publica- 
tion 1 mentioned earlier, Amusement 
Business, a sweet little paper you can 
subscribe to for 520 a year, you will 


such notices as these: “Now booking Bear 
Pitches, Traveling Duck, can also use 


Gorilla Show." "Will book two nice 
Grind Shows. Must be flashy. 
The independent concesionaires pay 


what is known as privilege to work these 
dates. The privilege is paid to the man 
responsible for lining up the dates, or 
ganizing and dispensing necessary graft 
and arranging for a patch. It is interest 
ing to notice that the farther South a 
show goes, the rougher it becomes. There 
may not be a single girlie show or flat in 
Pennsylvania, but flatties and girlies both 
may be playing wide open and woolly in 


Georgia. Whether it is true or not, it is 
the consensus among carnies that you 


can get away with a hell of a lot more 
in the South than you can in the Хоп 
Саги cin conveniently be divided 
imo frontend people and backend 
people. Prontenders are carnies 
work. games, food and other concessions. 
The back-enders concerned with 
shows: freak shows. gorilla shows, walk- 
ingzombie and—where I 
going now—girlie shows. 
The guy out front was making his call, 
but it wasn't а very good call. His voice 
s more than tired, it was dead. He тагє- 
ly looked at the marks who were crowd 
ng in front of the raised platform now, 
and once he stopped in midsentence and 
picked his nose. 


who 


are 


shows was 


See it all for fifty 


“Come on in, folks. 
cents, опе half а dollar. 

Four middle-aged ladies in spangled 
briefs and tasseled halters—all of it a 
litle dirty—were working to a Fifties 
phonograph record about young love 
The ladies were very active, jumping 
about in a sprightly fashion, their сусу 
glitering from Biphetamine 90s, the 
speeder far and away the favorite with 
carnies. From Thursday to Tuesd 
whole carny families—men, women and 
children—ate them like jelly beans. Rose 
looked right at me but either didn’t see 
me or didn't give a damn, for which I 
was grateful. Ё didn't want her paying 
ny attention to me, because ] kept 
thinking of her huge greasy husband out 
on the Ferris wheel right. now splicing 
cable with his broken teeth. 

I paid my half dollar, went inside feel 
ing like a fool and saw the same ladies 
doing pretty much what they had been 
out front and doing it. if you can 
believe it, to the same goddamn phono- 
graph record. But before they began, the 
caller pointed out that 
there would be a second show right after 
this one to which no one who was female 
18 would be admitted. Those 
who were admiued would have 10 pay 
three dollars а head. That threw several 
good old boys into a fit of leg slapping 
and howling Hotdamning. They 
randy and ready and seemed to 


doin! 


semicomatose 


or under 


nd 
were 


know something I did not know. Rose 
even permitted herself a small smile and 
couple of winks to the boys who ap- 
parently knew who she was, had maybe 
seen her show before and were digging 
hell out of the whole thing. 

After the first show was over and they 
ad made us lighter by three dollars. 
things happened quickly. Peeling the 
eges took the longest. But first they added 
a drummer to the act. Really, а drum 
mer. The ladies had retired behind a rat 
colored curtain and out onto the Little 
platform came an old man dressed in an 
ancient blue suit with a blue cap that 
at first I thought belonged to the Salva 
tion Army. And it may have. Ligaments 
stood in his scrawny neck like wire. He 
sat on a chair and put his bass drum 
between his legs. The caller started the 
record we had already heard twice, which 
incidentally, was by Frankie Valli, and 
the old man started pounding on his 
drum. His false teeth bulged in his old 
mouth time he struck it. Never 
once during the performance did he look 
up. I know he did not see Rose. 
fascinated that he would not look 
when she cime out onto the . She 
was naked except for a halter. I sw 
She had her tits cinched up, but there 


every 


I was 
at her 


ar 


was her old naked beaver and stror 
over-the-hill ass. She was carrying six 
eggs in a little bowl. She carried it just 


the way a whore would have carried 


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201 


PLAYBOY 


202 


bowl, except she had eggs in it instead 
of soap and water. She squatted in front 
of us—taking us all the way to pink— 
while she peeled the eggs. When they 
were peeled, she placed them one by onc 
in her mouth, slobbered on them good 
and returned them to the dish. Then, 
still squatting, with Frankie Valli squeal- 
ing for all he was worth and the old mz 
singlemindedly beating his drum, and 
several of the good old boys hugging cach 
other, she popped all of the eggs into her 
pussy and started dancing. She did six 
high kicks in her dance and each time 
she kicked, she fired an egg with con- 
siderable velocity out into the audience. 
On a bet with his buddies, a young ap- 
prentice madman caught and atc the 
last two. 

I left the tent disappointed, though. 
Id seen the act before, Once, many 
years ago, I knew a lady in New Orleans 
Not a dozen of 
to be sure. They 


who could do a dore 
your grade-A extra-lar 
were smalls, but a dozen nonetheless 

I found Charlie Luck down in the 
Gop. A Слор is а tent set up at the 
back of the lot exclusively for carnival 
people to socialize with one another. 
Marks are not allowed there and the 
carnics’ socializing usually comes in the 
nbling games of one kind or 
another, It is not unusual for a сапу to 
walk into the Gop at the end of the 


form of 


“Don't deny it, Gordon 
married me for my 


May-to-October season with $20,000 in 
his pocket and walk out the next morn- 
ing wondering how he’s going to get a 
dime to call his old mother for a ticket 
home on the Trailways. Some very heavy 
cheese changes hands in that tent and 
1 was amazed that the oth ics would 
sit down to a table with Charlie Luck. 
He had exceedingly quick hands and 
more than once he showed me his short- 
change proposition. You could open your 
hand and he would count out 90 
cents into it. You could watch him do it, 
but when he finished and you counted 
your change, you'd be a quarter short. 
He would press а nickel into your palm 
and at the same instant take out а quar- 
ter he'd just put down. He could count 
nine onedollar bills or a five and four 
ones into your hand and inevitably he 
would take back over half of it, 1 
called, among other things, laying the 
note, and it’s a scam usually run off in 
a department store or a supermarke 

“Down where I come from,” I'd said 
to him once, "we don't sit down to seven 
card with folks who have fingers like 
you do.” 

He looked me dead in the eye and said, 
“These guys know I would never cheat 
in the Сор. When we do a little craps 

Is back there, they know that’s my 
ure, my pleasure. Cheating is busi- 
ness. The only place, and J mean ihe 


car 


's 


or 


lei 


its true! You only 
wardrobe” 


only place I ever steal is when I'm work- 
ing the joint right out there on the mid- 
way. I'd be ashamed of myself to do it 
anywhere els 

Charlie Luck saw me from across the 
Gop and immediately got up from the 
table and came to meet me. We walked 
back out onto the midway. It was dark 
now and the lot, laid out in a U shape, 
was jammed with men and women and 
their children, laughing and eating, their 
arms loaded with slum. Screaming shouts 
of pleasure and terror floated down out 
of the night from the high rides, glitter 
ing and spinning there above us. 

“Did you see it" he finally said alter 
we'd walked for a while, "Did you sec 
her do i 
\саһ, I saw her do it. 
“The specialty act, too? 

“I told you I'd go.” 

“Then lay it out for me.” 

I laid it out. 

Hard-boiled fucking eggs? 


He took 
Out two capsules. "You want one of 
these 

"You know Fm а natural 1 


said. “What I need is a drink to calm me 
down. Let's go by the van before we go. 
to the game. 

He swallowed both capsules and made 
a face, but the face was not from the 
dope. “Goddamn eggs and goddamn 
drummer. I'd need a drink, too. I may 
even have one.” 

By the time we got to the van, he'd 
worked himself into a pretty good state 
over Rose and her specialty act. 

“I don't put my dick where hard- 
boiled «ggsve been,” he kept saying. 
* Jesus, a pervert. I'm tainted.” 

"You ain't tainted, man," I said. "You 
just like you were before. I wish to God 
somebody could guarantee me my dick 
wouldn't go nowhere worse than a few 
boiled eggs. Besides, I don't know what 
you expected, taking her out of a girlie 
show," 

“How was I to know? I never been in 
a girlie show once, not once,” he said. 
“Over half my life I'm with a carni 
Never once did I go near a girlie show.” 

"Didn't you talk to herz" I said. “You 
should have asked if she ever put any- 


Charlie Luck jerked his cap lower on 
his cars and stared straight ahead. “You 


don't ask a lady a thing like that,” he 
said. 

He poured a little straight vodka on 
top of the speed and we walked over to 


his proposition. The flat was near a punk 
ride between a glass pitch and a grab 
joint. The grab joint sold dogs and 
burgers and a fruit punch called Ники 
Charlie Luck let the kid off for the rest 
of the night and we got behind the 
counter, Charlie banged things around, 
positioning his marbles and his board 
and muttering to himself. He finally 


quit and stared balefully out at the pass- 
ng crowd. He made no attempt to draw 
anybody in. Nobody so much as looked 
at us. 
You taking it in tomorrow?" he asked. 
"I told you,” I said. "I got to get back. 
‘There's only so much of this that'll do 
me any good, 
"Maybe ГИ go in, to,” he said. 
“There's not but a little more than a 
week left on the season.” 
“I've enjoyed it,” I said. "We'll cross 
ain. Maybe we can sit in and have a 
with the cowboys 

He smiled. “1 " He sighed deep- 
ly. Then, “You don't gamble with аір- 
ples or ladies or children. I keep them 
out of my proposition. You beat one of 
them and you got heat, bad heat. Gam- 
ble with a fat guy who looks like he can 
allord it. The thing you like is if he's 
dressed up real good, too." 

One thing, Charlie.” 1 said. "I been 
meaning to say this to you, but I didn't 
yet. Maybe 1 shouldn't now. But you 
don't gamble. Youre not a gambler. 
о offense, Charlie, but you're a thief 
is what you are. 


id. "Em a gambler 


No risk, no gamble. No g 
gambler. You're a thief." 

“Well, sort of. The word doesn’t both- 
er me. 1 only do what they let me do." 

The thing you have to know right off 
is you can't win from а carny gambler 
unless he wants you to. And he doesn’t 
want you to. ОЁ course, like any other 
hustler, he may give you a little some- 
thing so he can take away a lot of 
something. But thats a long way from 
winning. 

‘The carny’s success in flat joints dc- 
pends upon having a good call, ап ex- 
pert knowledge of just how far he can 
push a mark and the certainty that there 
i 1 of us. A good call simply 


d you are able to "call 
get him involved with your hustl 
hustle. The agent р 
nst the clothes he's wi 
he's with, or his youth, or 
his old a 1 fact, anything that will 
make him rise to the challenge, which 
doesn’t appear to be much of a challenge 
ı agent will 
calling as he 
nd literally grab a mark, take hold. 
nd lead him over to the proposi- 
tion. I've known agents who could con- 
sistently operate like that and get away 

i. Others can't. The moment 1 
touch a guy, he swings on me. He thinks 
he's being attacked. 

Beside me in the store, Charlie Luck 
had dropped another Biphetamine 20. 
His eyes were wet as quicksilver and he 
was mumbling constantly about Rose. 


him to you 
A call 


or the wom: 


Finally, he said to me, “Lay it out for 
me again. How it was, what she did, the 
crowd. Six, you said, half a dozen, and 
none of 'm mashed when she fired "т out 
at the marks? 

I laid it out for him again, just as 
straightforward and with as much detail 
as 1 could, even to the smells in the 
tent, saving nothing. 

When 1 finished, he seemed to think 
about it for a moment. “All right,” he 


little money now, Charlie? 
Yeah.” He turned to ich а 
sed couple approaching down 
the midway. He looked back at me. “One 
thing. Don't call me Charlie Luck any- 
more.” 

What should I call you?” 

“Tuna,” he said. 

“Tuna?” 

“Like in fish, Tommy Tuna, A name 
I always liked. Brings me good things.” 

“1 got it," I said. “OK.” 
оц got to be careful with names,” he 
said. "Names can be bad for you. Or 
names can be good for you, You know 

1 didn't know, so I didn't say anything 

“A name can get dirty. Start to rot. 
Bring you nothing but trouble." He 
sucked his teeth and sighed. The middle- 
ged couple had stopped and were look- 
ing at us. The lady carried two liule 
pieces of slum, a ceramic duck and а 
small cloth snake. “I don't think ГЇЇ be 
Charlie Luck anymore 

“You mean for a little while.” 

"I mean сусг. 

I loved him for that. He just willed 
himself to be someone else. submerged as. 
Charlie Luck and came up Tommy Tu 
J knew how easily I did the same th 
My fix is other people's lives. It alw 
has been. As I stood there watching 
the well-dressed couple, secure in their 
middle and permanent in their home, 
a fantasy started in me, a living thing. I 
felt my teeth go rotten and broken, my 
arms fill with badly done, homemade 
tattoos. І was from some remote place 
like Alpine, Texas, and I'd joined the car- 
nival was 11 
been. rootless, no home except the back 
of a semi carrying a disassembled Octo- 
pus, and I lived oll people—marks—those 
two there smiling at me. 1 suddenly 
smiled back. They had no way of know- 
ng my secret and utter contempt. 

“Tuna,” 1 said quietly, "let me tak 
this.” 

“Take м 

These two here. Let me do ii 

"Do it." 

“AH right, here we go,” 1 called. “Hey! 
Lookahere! Your game. Yeah! You, Come 
here. Come Лете. In here and let me 
show you the little game. I can tell by ihe 
look on you face, big fella. This is your 
game! A quarter. Nothing but twenty- 
five cents. Win ihe little lady this right 


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203 


PLAYBOY 


here. Big panda. Come here! Come on! 

They smile uncertainly at each other. 
The lady blushes. The guy looks away. 

“Hey, you just married? I can sce it, I 
сап sce how in love you are, how you 
want this right here for the little lady, 
right? Come over here.” 

"They've turned now and they're mine. 
I bad thought they might walk on and, 
in spite of the fact that Гуе never been 
a caller who could actually grab anybody, 
T was ready to vault the counter and 
take the guy by the arm. The rule 
that the mark gets deeper into your hustle 
with every move he makes toward you. 
He looks at you. He moves a little nearer. 
He lets you explain your game. He bets. If 
you сап get him to do that much and 
don’t take everything he's got, or as much 
of it as you want, you ought to find an- 
other business. 

“See that bear? See that bear right 
here? You want it for the lady?” Tommy 
‘Tuna keeps his bear nice. An enormous 
under clear cellophane, The bear 
must be worth 520. “Look, she wants it! 
Look at her face! A quarter, it's yours 
for a quarter! OK? Can I show the game 
to you: 

The lady is blushing and squeczin, 
guy's arm and pressing into him. And 
he's already got his quarter out. 

"Look, I got marbles and I got a 
I whip the board out and show 
The board has little indenta- 
On the bottom of cach inden- 
tation is a пише опе or a two ога 
three on up through nine, There's а little 
chute that leads down to the board. “You 
need а hundred points to win this game. 
? One hundred points to win that 
. Cost you a quarter. You roll the 
marbles down the chute, we 
total. Each total gives a number toward 
the hundred points you need. Right? 

He's still got his qua 
Both of them are le: 
He wants to give me the qu 
s hurting him and he’s not even heard 
the game. He just knows he’s risking only 
25 cents. 


A 


board. 


"Right? Each total gives a number 
toward the hundred points you need.” I 
look him in the eye and smile. 1 take 


him by the wrist and. pull him a little 
icker. You keep 
lling till you get the hundred. points 
you need to win. Without paying another 
penny.” 1 pause again. He's smiling. She's 
smiling. I'm smiling. Tommy Tuna's 
smiling. "Unless . . . unless the total you 
roll is thirty. If you roll a thirty, the cost 
of the game doubles, but you keep the 
points you've ea ird the hundred 
and roll 

The lady says, “Do 


it, honey. Oh, do 
it. 

And here is where much of the carnies’ 
contempt for the mark starts. The guy 
walks up to my game. He doesn't know 
the game, has never seen it. He sure as 


204 hell doesn't know me. He doesn't see or 


doesn't care that on the board there are 
not an equal number of ones, twos, 
threes, and so on. If he cared to check 


the board or think about it, he'd see the 
odds are overwhelmi 


that he'll roll 
the losing number nearly every time. 
And each time you roll a 30, though you 
keep the points you already have, you 
don't get to count the 30, 

He rolls the marbles, As soon as they 
stop in the slots, I'm taking them out 


again as fast as I can, palm partially 
obscuring the board, adding ina 
stunned, unbelieving voice, and 

е, eleven, and six is seventeen. and, 


wow, oh, golly! Nine and nine and 
nine... twenryseven to the seventeen 
and . . . that's forty-four big points, al- 


bear for the little lady. This must be 
your lucky night! 

He had, of course, 
takes the marbles again 
count him to 52. “Hey, this bear's gone 
tonight. It looks like your night" He's 
flushed. You'd think he had $5000 on the 
line. He whips down the marbles, and 
guess what? He rolled that 30. But he's 
got 50 cents out almost before I can 
count the losing number for him. We go 
again and I take him up to 65. He rolls 
and loses. The bet's a dollar. Before he 
knows what's happened, he's looking at 
ап eight-dollar bet and he needs only 22 
points to win 

І was just about to give him the 
marbles and made the mistake of looking 
at the lady. You'd have thought the guy 
was losing the mortgage on the house. She 
was newly in tear. J hand him the 
marbles. He rolls a 30, but I count him 
into 105. Pandemoniu 
rahs. Down comes the he 
go. Tommy Tuna took me by the arm 
and led me to the back of the booth. 

You son of a bitch,” he said. 

“Yeah, I guess. Bur don't come down 
e too hard. I'll pay you for the bear.” 
ot the point. You had the gaff so 
deep into that fucker, you coulda made 
him bet his wife.” 

“It was the lady. Hadn't he 
Tady, I could've done it 

"It's all right. You done good, апуу 
He smiled toward the front of the booth, 
where four marks—all men, well fed, well 
dressed and apparently at the carnival 
together—were yelling to come on and 
play the game. They had been drawn to 
the booth by my loud counting and 
they'd stayed to see the man easily win 
the bear. 

Tommy Tuna went over to the four 
ks. He shrugged, looked sadly at his 
board. "Maybe I'm crazy," he said, “but 
I feel like a little action." He leaned 
closer to thc marks. “Fuck the bears. Let's 
bet some money." He went into his pocket 
and came out with the biggest roll of bills 
Гуе ever seen. He showed the roll to the 
marks. I saw nothing but hundreds. “I'll 
play you no limit. Just like with the 


rolled а 


on 


for the 


fucking bear, it takes a hundred points 
to win. The first betll cost you a buck. 
The bets double after that. I'll pay ten to 
опе. Did you get that? Ten to one I'm 
paying. If you're betting a hundred dol- 
lars when you reach the hundred points 
to win, I'll pay you a thousand.” 

He said it quickly, in a flat, unemo- 
tional voice. "They were into it im- 
mediately and Tuna quick-counted them 
to 37 points. There scemed to be no way 
All four guys were pooling their 
with the intention of splitting the 
take, But by the time they had accumu- 
lated 82 points, they'd lost $255. The 
t bet was gonna cost them $256. The 
whole thing had taken about five min- 
utes, but Tuna pointed out they needed 
only 18 more points to win and, after all, 
was giving ten-to-one odds. 

Sumpin* mighty goddamn funny goin’ 
on here, biggest and meanest- 
looking of the fou 
id Tommy Tuna in a quiet, 
“You fellas do seem to be 
al bad run of luck. I can 
hardly believe it myself: 
"hey withdrew a few steps to consult 
and then came back and went for the 
bet. They rolled a 30. Tommy Tuna 
scooped up the money. All four of them 
howled simultaneously as if they'd been 
stung by wasps. They'd been cleaned 
out. The big, mean one moved to come 
over the counter when, as if by magic, 
Officer Jackson appeared on the midway, 
only a few feet aw: 

He came over and said, “You want to 
tell me why you hollering like this?” 

The big one said, “This bastard's run- 
ng a crooked game, that's why.” 

"You want to tell me what kind of 
game? 

He told Officer Jackson what kind of 
game. He also told him they'd been 
taken for over $500 in less than ten 
minute 
Gambling?” Officer Jackson could 
hardly believe it. “That's against the law. 
It's against the law for everbody here. 
If irs true, ТЇЇ have to lock you up. All 
of you.” Then he turned to the four 
guys and actually said, “And if I do, and 
if it’s true, he's got your money to bail 
hisself out with.” He paused and looked 

ї each of the fou turn. “You want 
to tell me what you want to do?” 

After the four guys had left, Officer 
Jackson and Tommy Tuna went over to 
the corner and had a short, earnest con 
versation, which I did not hear. Then 
Officer Jackson left. 

Tommy watched the cop disappear 
down the midway and said in а wonder- 
ing voice, “You know, I once took twelve 
thousand dollars off a oilman in Okla- 
homa. He never said a word about it. A. 
real fine sport." 

I said, "Some days chicken salad. Some 
days chickenshit.” 

a 


“There ате some things you can’t learn from books, Miss Bigelow.” 


205 


2% 


В 


HABITAT. 


Ne) 


/ 


ANY NUMBER CAN PLAY 


s children, we all had our sandboxes to romp 
around in; and even as adults, we still have that 

same desire to cuddle up, goof off or let loose in 
our own special little corner of the world. Pictured below 
is what surely must be the ultimate in grown-up playpens; 
the Kroehler Company calls it Intimates and it couldn't 
have picked a more appropriate name. Intimates consists 
of nine supercomfortable padded units (corner, armless and 
ottoman) that can be mixed and matched to fit any wall 
space; they can be used as a divider between rooms or for 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY BILL ARSENAULT 


individual or téte-a-téte seating. Our preference is to box 
the units into one big, cushy pit and then invite, oh, say, 
half a dozen close friends and neighbors over to climb 
aboard the tufted acrylic velvet. (Intimates, incidentally, 
can really take a beating; the fabric is guaranteed for two 
years and tailoring details include baseball stitching on 
back pillows.) The size of the assembled crawl space is 
about eight feet square and the cost is around $2000. 
Cheap, when you consider that Intimates isn’t really just a 
piece of furniture—it’s more like a whole new way of life. 


Night and Day 


Right: This battery-powered infrared viewer called 
Find-R-Scope probes the dark to reveal—well, you 
tellus; it can be hand held or mounted on a tripod 
if you're a little nervous, by FJW Industries, $545. 


Snap Decision 


Below: The Olympus OM-2, from Olympus Optical, is 
said to be the smallest, lightest automatic-electronic- 
shutter 35mm SLR camera in the world; the chrome- 

model, $499.95, features a choice of either fully 
automatic or manual exposure control, weighs just 24.3 
ounces and measures about 5" x3"x3". The 50mm, f/1.6 
Zuiko Auto-S lens shown with the OM-2 costs $100. 


GADGETS 


Off the Record 


Below: The sound of music has never been clearer 
than after your LPs, 45s or even 78s have been 
bathed in a Spin & Clean record washer that re- 
moves grease, dirt and static, by Fidelitone, $19.95. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARO IZUI 


Solar Power! 


Left: Uranus Electronics’ 
Solar-Cell Calculator 
wrist watch is powered 


ncludes hours, 
minutes, seconds, month 
and date—and it also 
houses a minicomputer- 
calculator that's equal to 
sophisticated desk mod- 
els in scope of func- 
tion—all for just $800. 


French Cutup 


Below: As you probably 
know, the Cuisinart food 
processor is that revolu- 
tionary French kitchen 
helper that grates, 
blends, slices, chops 
and shreds—all in jiffy- 
quick time. Now comes 
a new model that fea- 
tures a superquiet motor 
and a handsome cast- 
aluminum base, by Cuisi- 
narts,$225.Vive la France! 


GRAPEVINE 


L SUSSM. 


Arnold Talks! 


Stripped, he looks like The Hulk but 
with perfect symmetry. Arnold 
Schwarzenegger's muscles have made 
him number one in the masochistic 
sport of body building. He is tops 
among the maniacs who destroy mus- 
cles to make them bigger; he’s also 
one of the first bodybuilders to come 
out of kis mirror-filled closet. Arnold. 
can really talk. In fact, it looks as if 
Mr. Protein has a future in movies. 
He has an acting role in “Stay Hun- 
gry”—word is, he's damned good— 
and will be featured in "Pumping 
à Iron,” a film conceived by George 
* who took the photos for the 

ате name. But, movies 
‘rnold never be 

a just has to take 

рп impression. 


Babylon Revisited 


Sources close to Oscar winner 
Francois Reichenbach report 
that the French film maker's 
Soon-to-be-released docu- 
mentary, an unstaged, no- 
holes-barred, X-rated view of 
American sexual mores, will 
concentrate heavily on the 
kinkier side of our n; 

sex life. Reichenbach's ubi 
uitous cameras have thus far 
probed gay bai Manhattan, 
porno-film sets in L.A. (nota- 
bly, an Alan Colberg produc- 
tion starring John Holmes) 
and the daily curriculum oí a 
Los Angeles striptease. school 
Tentatively titled 
Around the Clock," the рор 
ect is already being touted iy 
Hollywood їп 


SUZANNE SEED 


In Search of Nielsen 
Ratings and Other 
Ancient Mysteries 


Hey, trekkies! Remember that TV 
special that beamed your way a few 
seasons back? "In Search of Ancient 
Astronauts” drew a 34 share of the 
Nielsen ratings and a record number 
of calls and letters to Earth station 
NBC. So now you can expect a weekly 
half-hour series this fall, called “In 
Search of..." The producers have re- 
cruited our favorite astronaut, Leonard. 
Nimoy, late of the starship Enterprise, 
to help them solve the riddles of an- 
tiquity. Nimoy should have no trouble 
puzzling them out, having just fin- 
ished the lead onstage in “Sherlock 
Holmes.” Spock would undoubtedly 
approve. After all, it’s only logical. 


You Can Take It with You, 
If You’re a Vampire 


When we first saw the title, we weren't sure whether “Interview 
with the Vampire" was a Watergate book or one of the “True 
Confessions of the Occult" pulp thrillers that are so popular. It 
is neither. Anne Rice's first novel is a delightful history of a. 
Southern gentleman who happens to be a vampire. So far, the 
book has netted close to $1,000,000 in paperback and movie 
rights. After the IRS takes its drink of blood, the author is going 
to indulge a lifelong fantasy: to see the world—by daylight. 


Е *1l 
Best Booter 


A man's name, said Faulkner, will generally tell you what he's 
about, if you can read it right-and George Best is proof of that. 
He was Europe's number-one soccer player—and bon vivant— 
during a stormy 11-year career with the Manchester United club. 
He retired two years ago, but Elton John—part owner of the 
Aztecs, LA/s entry in the North American Soccer League—per- 
suaded him to go to Southern California and launch a new 
career. The question now: Is Los Angeles ready for the Best? 


4, BARRY O'ROURKE 


JEFF COHEN. 


Ё 


The Sweet Smell of Success 


Has success gone to George Barrie's head? We doubt it. Barrie, the 
sales genius who turned a small cosmetics firm into multimillion-dol- 
lar Fabergé, has been off and running with his five-year-old brain child, 
Brut Productions, which exploded on the scene three years ago with 
the award-winning “A Touch of Class.” Brut has just announced a 
blockbuster schedule of seven 
upcoming major features, 
including “Vicky,” a film 
starring Faye Dunaway 
on the life of feminist 

Victoria Woodhull. 


210 European fitted body. The 


FASHION 


SMART ALEX 


ow that the revolution is over, American 

fashion seems to have found its postwar 

leader in 28-year-old designer Alexander 
Julian. Bright, engaging, egotistical and immensely 
talented, Julian has emerged as perhaps the perfect 
design honcho for the Seventies. Like most post- 
revolutionary leaders, he is а traditionalist who 
shows no intention of departing radically from his 
forebears. In light of some of the extremes of recent 
design, Julian is a reactionary. But without a general 
upheaval in men’s fashion, 
his particular way with 
clothes might have gone 
unnoticed, 

The fountainhead of Jul- 
ian's collection is that sym- 
bol of the establishment, 
the suit, particularly its Brit- 
ish antecedents. (Even his 
Sweaters are based on suit- 
ing details—woven Shet- 
lands, pinstriped patterns, 
etc) 

"| like the classic English 
drape,” he says, "which is 
based on the ideal male 
physique—broad shoulders 
tapering down to the an- 
kles . . . sort of a triangle." 

All of his trousers are 
double-pleated. ("Is there 
any other kind?" he asks 
rhetorically, knowing full 
well that the rest of the 
industry generally sounds 
the one-note “European” 
tune of smooth front and 
flared legs. His trouser legs 
taper.) 

Fabric is the most impor- 
tant element. Or, as Julian 
says, “Fabric speaks.” And, 
indeed, his does—in very 
cultured tones. But many 
fine fabrics have ended up 
as banal clothing, and Jul- 
ian's clothing is anything 
but. 

Though most of his fab- 
rics are British (many de- 
signed by him), his “look” 
is a far cry from the familiar 
image of the London gent 
in his City stripes and bowl- 
er. It can best be described 
as natural shoulder with 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY TOM ZUK 


lean look is further accented with somewhat nar- 
rower lapels, high armholes and trim pue ues 
subtle balance of proportions. 

There is another key element in the шал ар- 
proach: layering. He believes that “The mark of 
good dressing is the ability to pull things together in 
unexpected ways that still look comfortable and 
uncontrived.” 

As the illustrations on this page attest, Julian is 
fond of putting a jacket with pocket square over a 
collarless shirt over anoth- 
er shirt worn with a casual- 
ly tied neck scarf. While it 
sounds like an outfit on a 
haberdashery shoplifter, the 
effect is stimulating—in a 
word, style. 

“А sense of style, of the 
aesthetics of clothes, has 
really been lacking in Amer- 
ican menswear,” Julian says. 
“We have seemed to be 
afraid to care how we look. 
Clothes don't make the 
man, but they are a form 
of communication. They 
should be pleasing, com- 
fortable, sensuous and in- 
teresting. However, we 
shouldn't look as if we took 
clothes too seriously.” 

Naturally, such a philoso- 
phy extends to a "nothing 
but the best" attitude. And 
Alexander Julian designs 
aren't cheap. His suits (most 
of which, including the 
double-breasted, are vest- 
ed) range from $300 to 
$500—but he does give you 
cufís that button, long a 
hallmark of custom tailor- 
ing, so who's going to 
quibble over price? 

—DAVID PLATT 
Clockwise from top right 
Details that give Julian's 
clothes their appeal: the 
layered look— jacket, 
sweater, shirt, neck 
scarf; slightly tapered 
trouser leg; dropped 
sleeve on sweater; 
layered neckline and 
bloused effect; jacket 
sleeve that actually 
buttons; the vested suit 
with narrower lapels. 
Above: A wry sculpture 
of Alexander Julian 
by Frank Kenan Barnard. 


WHEELS, 


SCORPION BITTEN 


есге! roads. 1 guess everybody who's really cuckoo 

about fast cars and driving has a stretch of highway 

where he can couple his fantasies to the available 
horsepower and haul ass in direct violation of the laws of 
decency and good sense. 

My own secret road runs through a wooded state park, 
skimming the edge of a deep river gorge. The road contains 
a fine variety of corners, ranging from tight, downhill 
switchbacks to open, flat-out kinks through the forest. 
Swooping through the blurred tunnel of pines and other 
softwoods, blitzing through the wisps of ground fog, gen- 
erates lunatic transformations in me. When you're behind 
the wheel of the right vehicle, the run becomes a tactile 
feast—which is what skilled, serious, fast driving is all 
about. 

I recall a recent run on a dim, misty morning with mean 
gray clouds clinging to the treetops. My secret road was 
glazed with a thin coating of moisture and smudged wads 
ef fog billowed out of the ravines that slashed into the 
main gorge. The car was a Lancia Scorpion, a stubby G.T. 
coupe newly arrived from Italy, the nirvana of fantasy 
drivers. There is a quality about Italian cars, be they mite- 
sized Fiats or fierce Ferraris, that creates a special appeal for 
people who love to drive. Whereas American cars are de- 
signed primarily for passenger comfort, Italian automobiles 
make the driver numero uno, placing emphasis on his ability 
to operate the controls with maximum efficiency. This 
endows cars of this nationality with great 
driving enjoyment, regardless of their power 
or speed. My Lancia was nota fire breather. 
The double-overhead-cam, four-cylinder, 
1756-c.c. engine—mounted transversely 
amidships—is a modified Fiat 131 mill. 
Its effluviants purified by a catalytic 


The Scorpion's body, 
turned out by the 
Pininfarina Coach Works, 
is an eye-catcher, 
conveying solidity and 
grace. The roof can 

be stowed in the roll bar. 


muffler, it generates a modest 81 hp. (The European version, 
sold as the Monte Carlo, carries a 115-hp, two-liter engine 
unencumbered by U.S. emission controls.) But operating 
through a five-speed transmission, it will propel the 2370- 
pound, steel-bodied coupe a-tad past 100 mph—which is 
more than enough performance when coupled toa supple in- 
dependent suspension and powerful, four-wheel disk brakes. 

The car stuck to the glistening pavement better than 
most conventional sedans cling to dry macadam. The small 
steering wheel, perfectly positioned for classic, arms-out 
driving, required only gentle corrections to keep the Scor- 
pion on course. 

The car was equipped with 165x13 steel-belted radial tires, 
which are a mite on the narrow side for a high-perform- 
ance sporting vehicle. Wisely, Lancia had announced that 
the 3000 models planned for export to the American market 
would carry wider-profile 185x13 radials. Not only will this 
improve comering but the cosmetics of the car will be en- 
hanced. And, after all, if one is going to pay up to $11,000 for 
a car of this type, one expects it to look at least as fast as it is. 

The Scorpion is a compact machine, really (90.5-inch 
wheelbase, 156-inch over-all length), with all the right stuff— 
overhead cams, disk brakes, five speeds, mid-engine, etc.— 
boxed into a contemporary, slippery body and capable of 
transporting two human beings down the road, secret or 
otherwise, in smooth, quiet, leather-bound comfort. 

1 wailed along through the morning, toying with the 
silky gearbox for the boyish pleasure of hearing 
the engine—operating mere inches behind my. 
back—sing its 5900-rpm song. It was a simple 
moment of hedonism—in harmony with a 
good automobile on a good stretch of 
highway. May you find the same pleasure 
on your secret road. —BROCK YATES 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEVE MYERS 


212 


MALE МАТА HARIS 


Superspy confessions have 
revealed that sexpionage is an 
equal-opportunity employer. 
Along with electronic bugging 
devices, aliases and computer 
technology, old-fashioned sex 
is still an accredited weapon in 
the endless Cold War played 
out by the global powers. Now 
it's been divulged that it isn't 
only the women who are 
swapping sex for information. 
The James Bond fantasy is real. 
Male agents are expected to 
lay it on the line for their 
country, too. Of course, there 
are other skills expected of an 
agent (necessary if you expect 
to stay alive). We can't tell 
you just what all the qualifica- 
tions are (besides an adequate 
1.Q. and a masterful member), 
but if you are interested in 
pursuing a career in this field, you can send for applications 
from the following and find out all the details direct from 
the source: Recruitment Office, Central Intelligence Agency, 
Washington, D.C. 20505, or Clarence Kelley, Director, 
FBI, U.S. Department of Justice, Washington, D.C. 20505. 
If your girlfriend thinks she would also like to engage in 
spy activities, she can apply the same way. The require- 
ments for female agents are evidently the same as for men. 
Just in case you believe that nasty rumor that to qualify 
she must have the ability to think fast, shoot straight and 
have a deep throat, it’s not true. But it wouldn't hurt. 


THE ORAL TRADITION 


"^| still can't figure out how they get the stork in the 
woman's stomach." Remem- 
ber those nervous, giggling 
conversations you had as kids? 
Where you lied like crazy to 
опе another, making believe 
you knew all the straight facts 
about sex? A group of scien- 
tists has just conducted a sur- 
vey to find out exactly where 
kids today are getting their 
erotic misinformation. The re- 
sults, presented at a confer- 
ence of the Society for the 
Scientific Study of Sex, show 
that kids still get most of their. 
sexual knowledge from friends. 
It was also found that Mom is 
coming up fast on the outside 
as one of the next most im- 
portant sources: In fact, she's 
now ahead of school sex 
classes, magazines, films and 
TV. Comparisons of a group of 
25 years ago with a similar 


ee. 


Beds, bugs and Bondage. 


5 


Kids know best. 


SEXCETERA 


group of boys and girls today 
showed that today’s kids are 
more knowledgeable about 
sex. They now learn in their 
preteen years what they used 
to learn in their mid to late 
teens. Girls still learn later 
than boys, but they're not as 
far behind as they were 25 
years ago. One result of the 
study that has remained un- 
changed is that fathers still 
take almost no part in the sex- 
ual instruction of their chil- 
dren. If father knows best, 
how соте he ain't sharing it? 


PEDALER'S PIQUE 

There you are, pedaling 
through the countryside with 
the girl of your dreams. For 
miles you've been watching 
her body undulate on her ten- 
speed bike while you've been 
pumping away on yours. Finally, you're both ready to take 
a break. The best kind. Now you're lying together in a 
sunny field, her clothes and yours draped over the bikes, 
your bikes resting against a tree, your head resting against 
her bosom and—what's this!—your penis resting numbly 
between the two of you? It's hard—but can't feel anything! 
Don't panic. The problem is that you should have stopped 
biking sooner. You're merely a victim of a wondrous new 
medical discovery. It's called the pedaler's/penile anesthe- 
sia syndrome and the dulling effect is caused by the unre- 
lieved pressure of the bicycle seat on the area under your 
scrotum. It doesn't stop you from having an erection, uri- 
nating or ejaculating. It just makes you feel like a piece of 
wood for a while. With cycling more popular than ever, 
doctors have found themselves 
reassuring an increasing num- 
ber of pedaling patients. The 
consensus among physicians 
is that the symptoms will dis- 
appear in a few hours and that 
you can avoid them altogether 
by (1) simply tilting the peak 
of the saddle downward, (2) 
standing up from time to time 
while pedaling or (3) increas- 
ing the number of passionate 
pit stops. 


TATTLETALES 

You never thought she'd tell 
those deep, dark secrets 
you've always hidden from 
everyone. It’s bad enough to 
hear that an old lover has told 
her sisters about how you pick 
your nose, how you some- 
times don’t change your un- 
derwear for three days or 


ILLUSTRATIONS BY TCOO SCHORR 


about that time you couldn't get it up. But suppose you 
read it in a newspaper? That's exactly what's happening 
in a feminist newspaper called Majority Report. "Every 
woman who has lived with a man knows something about 
him that should, in the spirit of feminist solidarity, be 
passed on to his next victim." So begins the section called 
"Used Husbands Exchange." Here, for a fee, women may 
place an ad to publicly air their ex-mates' transgressions. 
Indiscreet, to say the least. Nobody would ever do that to 
you; or would she? Maybe you want to check it out. In 
any event, the biweekly Majority Report is one of the more 
vital newspapers of this kind around if you're interested in 
keeping abreast of all that's new on the rad/lib front. A 26- 
issue subscription costs five dollars from Majority Report, 
74 Grove Street, New York, New York 10014. 


THE FLOWERS THAT WILT 
IN THE SPRING, TRA-LA 
Scratch another old wives' tale: the notion that as we 
creep from the doldrums of winter into the fertile fevers 
of spring, "a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts 


Numb's the word. 


of love.” Forget it. Chronobiologists, those scientists who 
study biological rhythms, have discovered that male hor- 
monal levels sink very low in the spring. It is, coincidental- 
ly, a time of increased depression and suicide. But fear 
not, nothing ts forever, and as summer shimmers past, na- 
ture has a goody for you. In the fall, up shoots your tes- 
tosterone to its peak level and that's the time when a 
young man's fancy lightly turns to some heavy screwing. 
Shine on, harvest moon. 


SEE ME, FEEL ME, 
TOUCH ME, HEAL ME 


Will “laying on of hands” replace laying on of bodies in 
sex therapy? The practice of psychic healing has, in the past 
few years, moved out of the twilight zone of quack medi- 
cine into an area of recognition and research by the ortho- 
dox medical world. In one study, for instance, hemoglobin 
levels in the blood were shown to markedly increase dur- 
ing psychic treatment. Researchers were significantly im- 
pressed that they could measure physical results from such 
a mystical method. Now healers have begun to move into 


the area of sex therapy. After all, psychologically induced 
sexual dysfunction is so bewildering and inexplicable to 
sufferers, it is only natural that they should seek succor 
from an esoteric source. It is obvious that more research 
is desirable in this field and that more is forthcoming. One 
hazard in therapeutic touching is that the psychic healers 
are vulnerable to a whole new set of malpractice suits dif- 
ferent from those that beset M.D.s. For instance, a woman 
recently sued Israeli psychic Uri Geller, who bends metal 
objects with his "mind," claiming that he was responsible 
for her pregnancy. It was not a run-of-the-mill paternity suit. 
She didn't say he actually fathered her child. She accused 
him of psychokinetically bending her I.U.D. 


ARE YOU READY? 

You'd have to be deaf, dumb and terminally macho to be- 
lieve that the upsurge of sexually aggressive women is noth- 
ing more than a passing fancy. How far can it go? How far 
would you like it to go? After all, violent crimes committed 
by females are on the upswing, and if statistics take their 
usual course, it is reasonable to suppose that sex crimes 
committed by women may be right 
behind. Will women be raping men? 
Rape is a common fantasy among 
women, but will the changing sexual 
atmosphere find more and more 
men fantasizing about being raped 
themselves? The subject of women 
raping men has been thinly re- 
searched. Yet it is not terribly un- 
usual for a man to muse about being 
held prisoner by some ravishing sex- 
crazed amazon who uses his body 
in every imaginable way to appease 
her exotic and enormous sexual ap- 
petite while he just lies there help- 
less. Being forced to have sex: It's 
something to think about. Are you 
ready to be raped by a woman? 


INNOVATIONS ON INCEST 


For those involved in the forbidden passion of incest, 
punishment never seems to cease. For the father, if con- 
victed: imprisonment; and even there he is an outcast. 
And not only is the daughter traumatized by the in- 
cident; she is usually victimized a second time by the 
judicial process and by community ostracism. But a program 
started four years ago in California that offers psychological 
counseling and group therapy for all parties involved in 
incest is having some amazing results. The Santa Clara 
County Juvenile Probation Department strategy provides 
therapy for the father and the daughter, and also arranges 
discussion groups for parents and children with people who 
have had similar experiences. 

Where previously marital breakup has been 
in such cases, 80 percent of the families parti 
the Santa Clara program have remained together. Further- 
more, county judges now give lighter sentences to those 
offenders who participate in the program. Look for these 
enlightened techniques to spread across the country. 

—HOWARO SMITH and BRIAN VAN DER HORST 


213 


PLAYBOY 


214 


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МЕХТ МОМТН: 


c^ 
ВАІСА ВААС MAN. FAST STARTER CAMPUS MOOD. 


"T6 BUNNIES 


“BLUE SKIES, NO CANDY"'—A STEAMY HUNK OF THE EAGER- 
LY AWAITED EROTIC NOVEL BY THE AUTHOR OF SEX AND THE 
COLLEGE GIRL, GAEL GREENE 


“MEMPHIS BLUES"—THE VIGILANTES BUSHWHACKED HARRY 
REEMS AND BLEW AWAY THE FIRST AMENDMENT. A CHILLING 
REPORT OF THE GREAT COURTROOM SMUT VENDETTA YOUR 
TAXES HAVE FINANCED—BY RICHARD RHODES 


ROONE ARLEDGE, THE MAN WHO GAVE YOU THE INSTANT 
REPLAY, MONDAY-NIGHT FOOTBALL AND HOWARD COSELL, 
TELLS THE BEHIND-THE-SCENES STORY OF TELEVISED SPORTS 
IN A BALLSY PLAYBOY INTERVIEW 


“BUNNIES OF '76"—HERE THEY ARE AGAIN! A BUMPER HAR- 
VEST OF THE COTTONTAIL CROP. A NINE-PAGE PICTORIAL 


“ROOTS’’—IN HIS SEARCH FOR HIS PAST, A DISTINGUISHED 
BLACK AUTHOR UNEARTHS THE RAPE OF A SLAVE ANCESTOR 
BY HER WHITE MASTER. PART OF THE COMING BLOCKBUSTER 
BY LONGTIME PLAYBOY CONTRIBUTOR ALEX HALEY 


“THE MOOD ON CAMPUS"—WHAT’S NEW AT THE U, INCLUD- 
ING THE LONG-AWAITED RETURN OF PLAYBOY'S ACTION CHART, 
RATING THE 25 BEST (AND WORST) SCHOOLS FOR SCORING 


“THE BRIC-A-BRAC MAN"—FIRST OF TWO INSTALLMENTS 
FROM A MYSTERY NOVEL THAT INVOLVES ANTIQUES, SWINDLING 
AND BURGLARY—BY RUSSELL H. GREENAN 


“WHO SAYS WE DON'T HAVE A REAL СНО1СЕ?” —МЕЕТ SOME 
UNUSUAL CANDIDATES, INCLUDING THE GUY WHO BELIEVES A LIT- 
TLE BRAN WILL LOOSEN UP THE NATION—BY TOM PASSAVANT 


“THE MIKOLAS METHOD"—BOOKIES, BEWARE! THERE IS A 
SUCCESSFUL WAY TO BET ON COLLEGE FOOTBALL, AND WE'RE 
GONNA TELL—BY LAWRENCE LINDERMAN 


“FAST STARTER"—TIPPI HEDREN'S BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER 
MELANIE GRIFFITH HAS CRAMMED A LOT OF LIFE INTO HER 19 
YEARS. A PHOTOGRAPHIC APPRECIATION 


“PLAYBOY’S FALL & WINTER FASHION FORECAST"—A 
LOOK AT THE LOOK YOU'LL BEWEARING SOON—BY DAVID PLATT 


“Pine forests, rolling hills, 
lakes and a house that rotates 
to take it all in... 
What more could you ask for?” “Old Grand-Dad” 


S / 


Old Grand-Dad 


When you aska lot more from life. 


Head ofthe Bourbon Family. Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskeys. 86 proof and 100 proof, Bottledin Bond, Old Grand: Dad Distillery Co. Frankfort, Kj. 40601 


Lighter in taste, Lower in tar. f 
~ Ani still offers up the 
ame quality is 


IM 


RR