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NOVEMBER 1976 + $1.50 — 


OW, THE REAL 
- JIMMY 


CARTER 
ON POLITICS, 
RELIGION, 
THE PRESS 
AND SEX 

IN AN 
INCREDIBLE 
PLAYBOY 
INTERVIEW 


YOU AND THE , 
STOCK MARKET: 
WHERE THE , 
BIG MONEY IS 


TURN ON TO OUR 
C.B. PLAYMATE: 
COVER GIRL 
PATTI McGUIRE 


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pomo 


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Pp L AY Bl LL Decisions...decisions... Make your decision 


zen PAL MAL 


Editor G. Barry Golson, 


than any other 
cally, that 1 watched Scheer really operate,” Golson says. "We 
were in a New York hotel an eryone in the country must 
have been looking for press secretary Jody Pc 
umed to have gone back to Plains with t 
couldn't be reached. Scheer then c 
Georgia and four 


New York ur 


magnolia-scented Southern Ik 
our final session. I amazed: Scheer 


Scheer spent four mont! 


Carter's friends and family 
J: We H 
nist Ranan R. Lurie ds some 
ments—on them, Light moments? Well, 
is Hot? We thought not 


npany the ir 


igh and sc 
did you know that Carter's nickr 
One of the things Carter ha nised to do if elected is 
arly the Big Apple. No 
"Y Craig S. Karpel in T 1 Stori 
nd This Is the L [27 Then ere's that 
f country music, Austin, Texas, Author torry L. King 
t down held 
Great Willie N Commando Hoo-H. 

The artwork is by Alex Murawski. 


ive America’s dying cities, and p 


i 100s 
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PALA. iic re EA 


KARPEL 


we weren't, but we will be), Erie Idle, the 
Vatican Sex M. It's 
in excerpt from book The R Di n nd Boo, 
cn /'Two Continen 


o be published this month by Me 


And if you car r mind off sex for a mir 


donymous investment advisor John B. Tipton has wri 
If, after reading H 


most 
o M. 


rplus long 
I g 


practical pi 
Real Money in 1h 


photo: 
ispenseful 
Man 


raphed by J. Frederick Smith). And don't forge 


conclusion of Russell H. Greenan's story, T 


h by Random House 


back to sex (that dic TAR" 7 MGS. OR LESS AV. PER CIG. 


Arthur Knight has once again surveyed the 


Ally seamy—film fare in Sex in (€ 


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Not too long. Tastes just right. the Air-Stream Filter. 


irtoonist J. B. Hendelsmon shows how our carly seth 


ymate. As Shakespeare 
put it: "That ought to keep you going till supper, fella 


Part I of The Puppet an Puppetma riginally 
cheduled to ay > 
published in Se 


nificant nev 


Y 
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MAN 


PLAYBOY. 


vol. 23, no. 11—november, 1976 


CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE 


COVER STORY 

This month's cover, with Patti McGuire, who also happens to be this month's Playmate, 
was shot by photographer Pompeo Posar. "The look of pure seduction,” says Posar, 
"is one I've tried to capture many times over the years. It all depends on the eyes. 
1 think | finally succeeded with Patti." So do we. 


Commando Hoo-Ha 


IM WHOLE ON IK PART wrEHOU 


REAL PEOPLE ANG PLACES 15 Pu L CREDITS: COVER) PLATWATE/ MODEL PATTI MCGUIRE, DESIGNED BY TON pt 


PLAYBILL Sam aIAL Tals. e A E UNE EE FU ap a reis 3 
DEAR PLAYBOY ............. POE PORE NA Valium n 
PLAYBOY AFTER! HOURS E renes pota EA em d eee 19 
MOVIES ........ adir dE 
Adultery (Cousin, Cousine) is more fun than piracy (Swashbuckler). 
BOOKS . ing "44 
Swapping, on the other hand, may be overrated: Updike's Marry Me. 
MUSIC: cio e vocari "E 
Jon Hammer, the Beach Boys and The Wild Tchoupitoulas reviewed. 
DINING & DRINKING TOO REN. I 


Haute cuisine on Chicago's Near North Side. 


SELECTED SHORTS 


THE FOUR-HUNDRED-BILLION-DOLLAR RIP-OFF . . JIM DAVIDSON 50 
One of the big problems with Federal pensions is that they multiply geo- 
metrically over the years. Guess who's footing the bill 


THE MYTH OF THE PENILE ORGASM .JULES SIEGEL 51 
Countless articles have been written on the female climox, but nobody has 
bothered to explore the complexities of the male orgasm—until now. 


THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR niss vi cnseverseseenasweusedes sae 55 
THE PLAYBOY FORUM .........000eseees 59 
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: JIMMY CARTER—candid conversation .... 63 


The candidate expounds on personal morality, his religious beliefs, sex and 
permissiveness in society, the night Bob Dylan came to visit and whether or 
not he'll be a repressive President 


JIMMY, WE HARDLY KNOW Y'ALL—article ROBERT SCHEER 91 
Carter interviewer Scheer, who spent four months on the campaign trail with 
him, gives a behind-the-scenes look at his minions, a close-up of his family and 
an analysis of his Southern roots. 


THE GREAT WILLIE NELSON COMMANDO HOO-HA 

AND TEXAS BRAIN FRY—article . . . . ...LARRY L. KING 100 
A hilariously apoplectic account of the Southwest s most outrageous country 
music extravaganza. 


MISTY—pictorial ..........-.-..06- epee ON 
Marilyn Monroe, au naturel, appeared in our first issue, Now, years later, 
actress Misty Rowe, who played the Marilyn character in Goodbye, Norma 
Jean, follows suit (birthday, that is) 


HOW TO MAKE REAL MONEY 

IN THE STOCK MARKET—article .... š JOHN B. TIPTON 109 
Investment analysts will tell you to be wary, but for the sensible small investor, 
the stock market is still the best gamble in town. 


—€— 


THE BRIC-A-BRAC MAN—fiction . RUSSELL H. GREENAN 110 
The surprising conclusion of a mystery novel about swindling and burglary. 


THE SWING TO SWEATERS—attire...............5-- DAVID PLATT 114 
Forget the past. Today, there's a sweater to suit almost any occasion. 


MISSOURI BREAKER—playboy's playmate of the month ............ 120 
Like most of the Irish, C.B. enthusiast Patti McGuire hos a way with a story. 
You don't know if it's true, but you don't care, either. 


PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES—humor ......-.-.---eeeeee TII 132 


THE VATICAN SEX MANUAL—humor ...... MONSIGNOR E. D. GRAY 134 
The monsignor, also known as Eric Idle of Monty Python, puts forth the 13 
positions that will allow you to get the ultimate in nonpossion and nonpleasure 
out of you-know-what. 


JOHNNY CARSON, WATCH YOUR ASS 

THERE'S A REVOLUTION GOING ON—modern living... .. Evi QM 
All about video-playback hardware, from the currently available cassettes to 
the soon-to-be-here discs. 


Sliced Apple 


THERE ARE 8,000,000 STORIES IN THE NAKED CITY 

AND THIS IS THE LAST ONE—article ........ . . . CRAIG S, KARPEL 142 
There have been all kinds of upbeat reports coming ou! of New York lately. 
Don't believe them. The bankers and the muggers have chewed up the Big 


Apple and left nothing but the seeds. 
Bric-a-Broc Biz 


SEX IN CINEMA—1976—article ... 2.6... esse eee ARTHUR KNIGHT 144 
Here it comes again, the year's roundup of steamy film fare, plus on in- 
sider's analysis of Hollywood's current mood. 


DEFINITIONS—ribald classic ©... isses I 157 


IRISH WAKE-UP!—drink ..... eee eee EMANUEL GREENBERG 159 


A rugged reminder that the Celts make more than one kind of whiskey. Sacer 


PRURIENT PURITANS—humor .........---+++- J. B. HANDELSMAN 161 
A cortoonis!'s-eye view of how our early settlers got their Plymouth rocks off 


PLAYBOY POTPOURRI ..... ee RET 222 
PAYEOY ON THE SCENE 7. retrum hk dace s RIT utn d 248 
Up-to-the-minute flashes on what's happening, where it's happening and who's 
making it happen. Video Revolution 


eran, P. MP (II po i 


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PLAYBOY 


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PLAYBOY 


HUGH M. HEFNER 
editor and publisher 


ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director 
ARTHUR PAUL 4 


ctor 


SHELDON WAX man 


GARY COLE pho editor 


G. BARRY GOLSON assist 


EDITORIAL 


ARTICLES: LAURENCE GONZALES, PETER ROSS 
KANGE senior editors + FICTION: ROME MA 
lilar, VICTORIA CHEN HAIDER, WAL 

TER SUBLETTE assistant editors « SERVICE 
FEATURES: TOM OWEN Tn living edito 
DAVID PLATT fashion edito 
food & drink editor + CARTOONS: mentis 
Or * COPY: ARLENE BOURAS edito 
STAN AMBER te * STAFF: WILLIAM 


CAULEY €¢ 


THOMAS MARIO 


URRY e 


J. HELMER, GRETCHEN MCN 


T, ROBERT SHEA, 


DAVID STEVENS senior ec DAVID. STANDISH 
staff w JOHN BLUMENTHAL, JAMES R 
ERSEN, CARL PHILIP SNYDER associate edito 

ED WALKER assistant ed 
WEISUER 


J. F. O'CONNOR 


OTS; SUSAN BARBARA NELLIS, KATE 


NOLAN, KAR PADDFRUD, TOM PASSAVANT 
research ed DAVID BUTLER, MURRAY 
FISHER, ROBERT L, GREEN, NAT HENTOFF, ANSON 
MOUNT, RICHARD RHODES, JE SHEPHERD, 


ROBERT 


ILL, BRUCE WILLIAMSON e 
g editors « ADMIN- 
ISTRATIVE SERVICES: PATRICIA PAPANGELIS 
admin 


JOUN skow contributin 


OY; ROSE JENNINGS rights 
MILDRED ZIMMERMAN 


ART 


TOM STAFBLER, KERIG POPE associate director 
WILLIS, CHET SUSKI, 
NORM SCHAEFER, JOSEPH PACZEK assistant direc 


BON POST, KOY MOODY, LE 


tors; VICTOR MUBBARD, JOY HILDRETH, hrTH 
KASIK ar Ms; VICKI BRAY traffic coc 
dinator: mannana WOFFMAN. administrative 


PHOTOGRAPHY 


MARILYN GRABOWSKI wes editor; Janice 


HOLLIS WAYNE ne 


RICHARD FEGLEY, POMPEO POSAR 


DAVID CHAN, PHILLIP DIXON, DWIGHT 


HOOKER, R T HOOPER, KEN MARCUS, ALEXAS 
unsa contributing phoi Ers; GRANT 
EDWARDS, MILL FRANTZ, RICHARD IZUI ¢ 


pho 


lor; JAMES WARD 


MICHAEL BERRY assist 


PRODUCTION 

JOUN MASTRO director; ALLEN VARGO » 

ager; ELUANORE WAGNER, MARIA MAND! 

NANCY SIEGEL, RICHARD QUARTAROLE as 
READER SERVICE 


GAYLY GARDNER director 


CIRCULATION 


BEN. GOLDNERE ctor of newsstand 
ALVIN WIEMOLD subserip 


ADVERTISING 


HENRY W. MARKS adve g 2 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC 


RICHARD $. ROSENZWEIG € e-pre 
ng g T LEHRMAN 

soc ublisher; RICHARD M. ROFF a 

publ 

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tf 
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well-cut perfectly matched Lee tartans, about $25. Blazer, about $47.50. Blazer Vest, about $16. Everything, 100% 


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PORSCHE 


CREATES A NEW 


PORSCHE 


In 1949, Porsche created the first Porsche. A quarter of a century has passed. And the 
world has changed. These are new times, and they call for new solutions. So Porsche decided it 
was time to rethink the sportscar. 


The result is the new Porsche 924. 


One look at the new 924 will tell you how much things have changed. It doesn't look like - 
any Porsche you've ever seen. Its clean, flowing lines not only please the eye, but have startling 
ac rocimamie characteristics. Its wind tunnel tests registered an incredibly low 0.36 drag 
coefficient. 


But the heart of any sportscar is, and always will be, its handling characteristics. And this 
is where the uniqueness of the new Porsche 924 really comes through. The engine and clutch 
are up front, but the transmission is in the rear, at the driving wheels. 


Rather than a heavy drive shaft, with universal joints, there isa solid drive shaft ina torque 
tube connecting the front-mounted engine with the rear-mounted transmission. This forms a 
single, rigid unit, does away with universal joints, and allows for more direct power transfer. 


The result is an almost perfect 50-50 weight distribution and a cornering ability that will 
leave you breathless. McPherson struts in front and a wishbone torsion bar suspension in the 
rear keep the body lean to a minimum in curves. Rack-and-pinion steering assures the driver of 
quick response to every command. 


In today's world, “practicality” is the watchword, even for a sportscar. The new Porsche 924 
meets that demand. The engine is an overhead cam design with a continuous fuel injection 
system. It's water cooled with a thermostatically controlled, electrically driven radiator fan. The 
design makes servicing easy and keeps repair costs to a minimum. 

On the highway, EPA estimates 31 mpg (17 mpg in the city), with standard transmission. 
Of course, your actual mileage may vary, depending on your driving habits, the condition of 
your car, and optional equipment. 

. Asuniqueasthe new Porsche 924 is, there are many thingsit shares withall Porsches. 
It is built with the same meticulous attention to detail, the same commitment to visual and 
driving excitement that have always been the very meaning of the word “Porsche.” 


The new Porsche 924 is not inexpensive. But it is less than you'd expect to pay for a 


Porsche. And that is perhaps the most practical thing about it. 
The new Porsche 924 makes a Porsche possible. For you. | | ji o24 


Turner Lake, British Columbia, Canada 


Canada at its best. 


Share some tonight. 


IMPORTED 


(QU 


CANADIAN 
MIST. 
DRY 


Try the light, smooth whisky thats becoming Americas favorite Canadian. 
Imported Canadian Mist 


IMPORTED BY BROWN-FORMAN DISTILLERS IMPORT COMPANY, N.Y., N.Y., CANADIAN WHISKY—A BLEND, 80 OR 86.8 PROOF, © 1976. 


DEAR PLAYBOY 


E ^005655 rive MAGAZINE - PLAYBOY BUILDING, 919 N. MICHIGAN AVE., CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611 


BISEXUAL BYWORDS 
I thoroughly enjoyed Kathy Lowry's 
Me and the Other Girls (vptavsoy, Au 
gust), but it brought to mind a problem 
that is, unfortunately, all too prevalent 
in our country today. The majority of 
men I know think that there is something 
sick or dirty about a woman who has 
shared her favors with a person of the 
same sex. I never have been able to 
understand why men think that they are 
the only ones who can decide what prop 
er sexual behavior should be. If they 
could get over their stereotype stud roles, 
then maybe a lot of sexual and social 
frustrations could be reduced in everyone 
James M. Pivarnik 
Harrisonburg, Virginia 


In these days of snobbish profession 
lism, it is comforting to see that at 
least. one publisher believes in giving 


clumsy amateurs a chance, I can sec no 


publication of Me 
If that is the kind 
k no 
further: I can write hackneyed, half 
baked pseudo 
Kathy Lowry. So can my Chihuahua. 

Jennifer Bredell 

Greenleaf, Oregon 


other reason for yo 
and the Other Girl 


of stuff you want nowadays, k 


n just as badly as 


Kathy Lowrys interpretation of bi 
sexuality is refreshing. 
Jan Papp 
Aurora, Illinois 


A "right on" to Kathy Lowry for her 
freewheeling attitudes on bisexuality 
Thomas E. Orsini 

Elizabeth, New Jersey 


What a relief to find out that I'm not 


the only woman to have such thoughts 


ibout bisexuality 
Betty Kiel 
Yonkers, New York 


TURNING THE TABLES 

In the aftermath of what has to be the 
commando raid of the Mid 
1 of events, David B. Tin 
nin's article The Wrath of God (PLaynoy 
August) was timely as well as politically 
stunn One seldom hears of the 


Israelis’ reactions to the pointless ter 


rorism of the Palestinians; but when 
news got out of the highly successful raid 


on Entebbe, the world came to realize 


that the Israclis are, in fact, doing some 
thing tọ show that they are not the 
quiet, innocent victims of merciless acts 
of terrorism. 
Stephen F. Clifford 
Jacksonville, Florida 


Even though they've made mistakes, the 


Israelis are the only ones who actually 
seem to be doing anything to combat 
terrorism. You have to applaud them 
for that 
Mitchell Hinkle 
Dallas, Texas 


You have published some excellent 
pieces in the past, but The Wrath of God 


ir maga 
73 Israeli 


is the best ever to appear in y 


zine, Tinnin's exposé of the 16 
intelligence blunder literally had me 
glued to my chair. 1 hope to see more by 
this author in the future 
Thomas M. Studwall, Jr 
Weston, Connecticut 


{FTERMATH AFTERWORDS 
What a sad story Cliff Jahr leads us 
through in his article Dog Day Aftermath 
(rLAYnOY, August)! Quoting one of the 
1 


last paragraphs: "A statuesque 4t 
redhead, Liz is legally married to a 
man named Tony. Through the com 


bined wonders of plastic surgery, silicone 
injections, implantation, dermabrasion 
electrolysis and Nice n Easy light au 
burn—520,000 worth in all—she is at 
I reject an 
the usage of the term real won 


last a real woman resent 


an! Real 


woman, my ass! 
Mary Cloud Coody 


Bradenton, Florida 


Cliff Jahr's article tells the true story 
of how we all got taken advantage of 
over the past four years. It may sound 
exaggerated, but it’s not. I'd like to 
thank Cliff for writing it and PLAYBOY 
for publishing it 

Mrs. Carmen Ann Wojtowicz 
(Address withheld by request) 


I have never been so saddened as I was 
after reading the true story of John Woj 
towicz I loved the article and found 
myself as concerned about John in that 
cell as I would be about a member of my 
ble, I would 
like a copy of this letter to be forwarded 


own family. If it is at all po: 


10 John in prison. While reading it under 


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PLAYBOY 


12 


his own special moonlight, it may give 
him a little desire to stay alive, knowir 
that there are people who care about him, 
Maria Blumberg 
Miami, Florida 
Your letter has been forwarded. 


As one of the many moviegoers who 
saw and enjoyed the film Dog Day After 
noon, I found Cliff Jahr's article on the 
aftermath most interesting. I was es 
pecially fascinated by Wojtowicz’ state 
ment that Pacino's portrayal of him was 
flawless,” Do they look alike, too: 

Tom Conover 

Tallahassee, Florida 
these photographs 
(Wojtowicz-on the left, Pacino on the 


ds you can see 


right), there is a resemblance between 


actor and robber 


Cliff Jahr's examination of the real 
story behind the film is most enlighten 
ir 
Pacino character in the movie. Now I 
feel even sorrier for him 


My sympathies went out to the 


Peter Rifkin 
Miami, Florida 


If you ask me, John Wojtowicz 


what he deserved. Let's not forget one 


thing—he's a bank robber 
Paul McNutly 
Minneapolis, Minnesota 


The story of John Wojtowicz is a true 
love story, His maltreatment by the media. 
courts and prison system is detestable, I 
pray that in my lifetime, people will learn 
to accept and treat gay persons, male or 
female, as the individuals they are and 
will allow them the same civil liberties 
without retribution 

Ellen. Graham 
Montgomery, Alabama 


CASTING ALTMAN 

Robert Altman (Playboy Interview, 
August) is à. pseudonym for Luigi Lom 
bardini, a onetime apprentice ed 


who stepped out of the trim bin to 
direct M*A*S*H. The Wild Bunch 
Gone with the Wind and Mutiny on the 
Bounty (first version) and was closely 
associated with Eisenstein's assistant. Nor 
gen Frill. I thoroughly enjoyed Nashville 
but wondered where Bob Dylan, Kris 
Kristofferson and Funky Donnie 


were, Altman is in retreat in the Hima 
layas and has been for 28 years. I hope to 
join him as soon as I get the fuck out of 
World War Two. Brewster McCloud was 
written, produced and directed by Lom 
bardini and Phil Feldman, Luigi is now 
working on the John Wayne epic Way 
Way East, He also directed The Getaway 

Sam Peckinpah 

Los Angeles, California 


Sam who? 


Your interview with Robert Altman 
certainly gave this reader a deeper in 
sight into his character, His cheap shot at 
Jerry Bick over the “Louise Fletcher 
Nashville" castin 


manly and in bad taste but also unworthy 


is not only ungentle 


of one who apparently wants to be con 
sidered an artist 
James Secrest 


New York, New York 


I read your interview with Robert 
Altman. just hours after seeing Buffalo 
Bi 


other movies, 1 was eager to read his 


Since I have also seen Altman's 


views and opinions, ‘Taking all this into 

leration, 1 think Buffalo Bill 

would have been better left undone 
Daniel L. Walls 


East Haven, Connecticut 


con 


Your August interview confirmed my 


opinion that Robert Altman is the great 


est film maker in America 
Robert X, Gleason 
New York, New York 


Altman's comment that the Europeans 
are 20 years behind the Americans be 
cause they view films as entertainment 
rather than as art is patently ridiculous. 
Movies are entertainment first, art sec 
ond. I, as well as the majority of people 
I know, sec a movie for entertainment 
not for its social content 

L/Cpl. Rick Fredde, U.S.M.C 
San Diego, California 


Thanks for your interview with Robert 
Altman. It helped me understand this 
fascinating and complex man 

Lawrence Petrofsky 
Los Angeles, California 


Altman's a bore. 
Lorenzo Costello 
Newark, New Jersey 


Altman is brilliant A marvelous 
interview! 

Horst Brockman 

Chicago, Illinois 


TIJUANA BRASS 

C. Robert Jennings’ story on his travels 
in Tijuana (Playboy After Hours, August 
is a crock of shit, Jennings describes 
Tijuana as the new Garden of Eden, but 
that can't be further from the truth—it's 
the same dirty run-down town that I was 
rolled in 20 years ago as a Marine. I 


think th 
better than this kind c 


readers of rtAvsov deserve 


garbage. I hope 


you didn’t pay Jennings for his article 


because if you did, he got paid twice 
once by you, once by the city of Tijuana 
O. G. Oglevee, M.D 


Salt Lake City, Utah 


Si señor, Tijuana is less wild but 
more fun 
Jorge Escobedo 


Tijuana, Mexico 


MOTEL REGISTERS 
Con; 


wulations on photographer 
Helmut Newton's pictorial 200 Motels 
or, How I Spent My Sumn 


(rLavnoy, August). It sort of takes you 


r Vacation 


back to the days when a motel was a 
motel and a skinny girl was better than 


girl at all 


Joe G. Venable 
Knoxville. Tennessee 


Helmut Newton's pictorial on motels 
Haven't 


I seen his sexy litle motelmate some 


is swell, but I have one quest 


where before 
Arnold Sellers 

Atlanta, Georgia 
Yes, Kristine De | was our Api 
1976 irl. To refresh y 


here's an oultake from th 


Kristine De Bell is fantastic—she 


could make the sleaziest motel room look 
like the sidential suite at the Waldorf! 
Let's see more of her soon, only this time 


1c color film. 
Jim O'Neill 
Laurelton, New York 


spring for 


FAST-CAR FANCIERS 
Brock — Yate's Wave Goodbye! 
(rv mov, August), featuring the ultimate 


Porsche, is as pleasurable as a 200-pay 
on Barbi Benton 
Edwin F. Hallgren 
Los Angeles, California 


pict 


As the owner of a Porshe, 1 especially 
enjoyed Wave Goodbye!. | must take 
r, with Yat 


the Turbo Carrera as 


issue, how ys reference to 


e fastest. auto: 
mobile presently available on the Ameri 
can market.” Yes, the Ferrari $65-GT/4 
Berlinetta and the Lamborghini 
Countach are illegal in the States, but 
the Maserati Bora is not. With its more 


»xer 


©1976 R. J. Reynolds Tobacco Co. 


He challenges the last 
uncharted world. 

A frontier where discov- 
ery is the greatest reward 
of all. 

He smokes for pleasure. 

He gets it from the 
blend of Turkish and 
Domestic tobaccos in 
Camel Filters 


Do your » 


Turkish and 
Domestic Blend 


18 mg. "tar", 1.2 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette, FTC Report APR. 76. 


Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined 
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. 


potent engine, highly aerodynamic, low- vacations hiking, backpacking and 
NOW NO IRON body (44.6 inches vs. the Turbo's campir e great outdoors. R. Scott 
Det 52 inches, the has the unique Hooper's beautiful pictorial brought 


(NYLON) Scion of being “the fastest caron any back many pleasant memories. 
merican road Mrs. K. W 
SATIN SHEETS Tanay Harrison, San Diego, California 
East Meadow, New York 


Yates replies: Sex in the Great Outdoors is swell if 

44 1 The Bora may have a slight ed, you happen to be a nature lover. As a 

X top speed (no more than five to eight confirmed urbanite, I would have liked 

= mph), but in over-all terms of corne to see a little hanky-panky in the city 

pa = tion, braking g After all, that's part of the great out 
4 l pe rformance a doors, too, in à way 


jor—it is the "fastest" car by fe Sheldon Mandrill 
New York, New 
Å" Brock Yates's “interview” with the Sheldon, H: sa 
Y ss As Msn 


X: Turbo Carrera is superb! It has long 
been my belief that the sight of a macho 


ET: GREAT COLORS exoticar could do the same thing for the 


testosterone level as a fine female xly 


SU SEAN | Now, how about Road & Tracks t 
WITH NO SEAMS one of your Playmates for a test drive 


YOUR CHOICE Steve Sherman 
IN THESE EXCITING COLORS: Hongwunda, New You 
Dark Brown, Bronze, Honey Gold, T enjoyed Yates's article on the Porsche 
ML SAMO | Turbo very much. 1 would go out and 
Ce | buy one, except for the fact that I have 
Pedal Pink, Hot Pink, Scarlet Red, | only 55.11 to my name. But this won't 
Florida Orange, Canary Yellow, stop me from dreami, about owning 
Emerald Green, Mint Green, Deep one, Love that car, love that story 
Purple, and Lavender. D. L, Bingham, Jr 
E Campbell, California 

EACH SET INCLUDES: 

1 straight top sheet LOOKING AT LINDA 

1 fitted bottom sheet What is it with you and your August 


2 matching pillowcases Playmates? Last year it was Lillian, this 
2 year it’s Linda. . . . My God, what a daylight. You can't g more urban 


2 straight top sheets woman! : : i than 
Seely ). A. Riccate 
2 matching pillowcases S iecatells 


y Reseda, California Your August pictorial Sex 
All tax, postage, and handling Outdoors combines two of my very f 
charges are included in the , Your August Playmate, Linda Beatty ite pastimes—sex and the outdoors. 
following prices: is the worst to date W. M. Richardson-Harp 
8 P Mike Thom Baton Rouge, Louisiana 

TWIN- $23.00 Alamosa, Ce 
DOUBLE-$25.00 (Full Size Bed) SHORT STOPS 

N- Miss August is all wet Thank you so much for 
QUEEN= 928.00 David Tyndall erican Lay (Selected Short 


Std. KING- $34.00 ( 78"x 80") Ashland, Wisconsin It’s about time we he : 
Calif. KING—$34.00 ( 72” x 84" ) le truth a a big problem Yes, Levi's. 


Linda Beatty, as your August Playmate to tell him he isn't 
SEND CHECK OR MONEY ORDER Gary Tr Sandy Easterling 
50% deposit on C.O.D.'s Auburn, A Tamarac, Florida 
Retail sales direct Monday thru 
Saturday 8am — 4:30pm 


FUTURE JOCKS The Great Amer Lay is the n 


The Olympics of 2001 (PLAY Au. Sensible view of screw ver writ 

REGAL SATINS, INC. gust), by Wayne McLoughlin, certainly uce Goldfarb 
1309 Allaire Ave. Dept. P-10 [ z to it. The way some of Atlanta, Georgia 
Ocean, N.J. 07712 3 veg mn ap perioed ia I heartily disagree with Laurence Gon 


il, I wouldn't be a bit surprised 


Boone is very handsome and gentle 


Money Orders--Shipped same day Carl Hetaling 
if color in stock Boise, Idaho 
-3 Weeks 


More importantly, he has been hap, 


married for many years. Does fear « 


Check: 


freaks and we, too, enjoy spending our 


ROUND 84" fitted— $48.00 I was so § "sec" one of my for- I'm tired of every man thinking he is the But with a look so different, we've given 
ROUND 96” fitted— $50.00 mer and varie higit echool ert studente, BER and no woman i = them a different name: “Panatela”? 
As you can see from the picture, 
Panatela is quite a styling change for 
Levi's. Very contemporary. Very upscale. 
The clothes are designed in go- 
together colors that let you switch 
pants and tops with each other almost 
endlessly. So there's always more than = 
one pair of slacks to wear with any Panatela top. 
DELIVERY TIME..... if they were animal inbreeds ziles label of Pat Boone as "antisex What you can't see from the picture is that 
Panatela has the superb fit and construction 


that's made Levi's a legend in its own time. 


Even the prices are in the Levi's tradition. Sug- 
gested retail for the corduroy outfits 
shown is about $18 for the slacks, $60 
for the blazer, $15 for the vest. Sweaters 
and shirts are $16 to $20. 
The next time you're shopping 
for something special, try Panatela. 
And don't be surprised when you 
find some very familiar comfort under 
all of Panatela's new style and good taste. Be- 
cause there's a little bit of Levi's in everything 
Panatela makes. 


OUTDOOR BUFFS God and love of just one woman make Slacks and To 

FOR RUSH RUSH ORDERS Sex in t t loors (PtAvmoy, man less sexy? i i's eu 
TELEPHONE.. 1) is one PLAYBOY's very best teven Stroh J evi 

201-531-951 1 pictorials. My husband and I are nature Newport, Minnesota d 


p 


ie 
à 
2 
è 


Y 


UNE S 


N 


ZA 


Playboy Book Club 
any four for 


Enroll as a new member of 


3305 THE FINAL DAYS 

Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein 
(Pub. Price: $11.95) 

The Nation's No, 1 bestseller! The 
reporters who cracked the Watergate 
scandal and wrote All the President's 
Men, take you up close to the greatest 
political drama of our time—the 
disintegration of Richard Nixon and 
his presidency. 


3364 LOVE SCENES 

(Pub. Price $7.95) 

Great moments of passion and 
tenderness captured in provocative 
pictorials from 12 outstanding 
photographers. 344 photographs— 
more than 255 in full color. 


2470 Complete Guide to 

HOME APPLIANCE REPAIR 

Evan Powell with 

Robert P. Stevenson 

(Pub. Price: $11.95) 

With over 500 photos, diagrams and 
charts, this book explains exactly how 
to repair and maintain just about every 
kind of appliance found in the modern 
home—from electric irons, toasters 
and blenders to refrigerators, dish- 
washers and air conditioners. 


3301 THE CONTROL OF 

CANDY JONES 

Donald Bain 

(Pub. Price: $8.95) 

A famous and courageous woman who 
was America’s leading model relates 
her role as a CIA courier and human 
guinea pig in a mind-control program 
carried out against her will-and 
without her conscious knowledge. 


3336 THE MONSTERS OF 

LOCH NESS 

Roy P. Mackal 

(Pub. Price: $12.50) 

For the first time, the true story of the 
mysterious monsters of Loch Ness, 
thought to be extinct for 250 million 
years, supported by over 50 photos 
and drawings. This deluxe volume 
counts as two choices. 


2426 WAKE UP IN BED, TOGETHER! 
Dorothy Nolte 


The authors, who are husband and 
wife, explicitly describe virtually every 
human sexual activity. They tell pre- 
cisely which approaches, techniques, 
ointments and devices to use to 
heighten enjoyment of each love- 


making variation. 3540 PLAYBOY'S HOST & 


BAR BOOK 
Thomas Mario 
(Pub. Price: $15.95) 
^ Written by Playboy's food and drink 
eae ee uiuos editor, this is a moder encyclopedia 


Covering virtually every possible for gracious and hearty drinking and 
money matter you might encounter in. serving, Large in size (7" x 11"). 


your lifetime, the great national best- lavishly illustrated (16 pages in full 
Seller is a massive work of 1105 color), definitive (close to 200 drink 


pages—and every page provides recipes). This deluxe volume counts 
invaluable advice. This deluxe volume as two choices. 
counts as two choices. 


2635 ILLUSTRATED BASIC 
CARPENTRY 


2620 SYLVIA PORTER'S 
MONEY BOOK 


2677 FUTURE FACTS 
Stephen Rosen 
"(Pub. Price: $14.95) 


Written and Illustrated by 

Graham Blackburn 

(Pub. Price: $8.95) 

With its easy explicit style and mag- 
niticent visual how-tos, this basic 
handbook is the perfect book for the 
amateur who wants to see and learn 
carpentry the right way. 


2551 THE SEX PEOPLE 
Drs. Phyllis and Eberhard 
Kronhausen 

(Pub. Price: $8.95) 


Dr. Rosen has gathered hundreds of 
“future facts” that will come to pass 
within a very few years, and most by 
the year 2000. Over 500 pages with 
hundreds of illustrations, This deluxe 
volume counts as two choices. 


2675 HOLLYWOOD IS A 
FOUR-LETTER TOWN 

James Bacon 

(Pub. Price: $8.95) 

Naming names, this is one of the 
frankest, most shocking and most 


All the stars are here—Linda Lovelace, hilarious inside accounts of what 


Georgina Spelvin, Marilyn Chambers, 
Xaviera Hollander, and the “god of 
porn," Harry Reems. Also, the erotic 
performers whose bizarre specialties 
provide sex as entertainment from 
Taiwan to Tijuana. 


3302 THE CANFIELD DECISION 

A novel by Spiro T. Agnew 

(Pub. Price: $8.95) 

Only the former Vice President could 
have written this blazing behind-the- 
scenes novel of political intrigue, 
‘sexual dalliance and international 
power plays—because he was there. 


actually happens behind the scenes 
in the nation's movie capital. “The 
best book ever done on Hollywood's 
boudoir shenanigans."— Harold 
Robbins. 


3331 CB RADIO 

Second Edition, Revised 

Leo G. Sands 

(Pub. Price: $8.95) 

Everything you want to know about 
citizens band radio, by the editor of 
CB Magazine. All the latest rules, 
lingo and equipment, how to get 


may make four choices (some 
choices) from the books 


Total value may be 


3324 SINATRA 

Earl Wilson 

(Pub. Price: $9.95) 

THE MAN—and the women, the mob, 
the money, the booze, the brawis. 
Here's the sensational, never-before- 
told story, written by the nationally 
syndicated columnist. Sinatra wants 
this book killed. You'll know why when 
you read it. 16 pages of photos. 


2477 THE DOUBLEDAY 
DICTIONARY 

(Pub. Price: $6.95) 

Based entirely on new research and 
with 970 illustrations, 88,500 entries, 
and 2000 biographical notes, this is 
the one dictionary designed to serve 
people everywhere—in the home, 
School and office, 


3376 PLAYBOY'S SEX IN CINEMA 
Collector's Edition 

(Pub. Price: $10.00) 

The first 4 volumes of Playboy's own 
Sex in Cinema series in an elegant 
boxed set. 576 pages and over 400 
photos of the most sensual sex stars 
and sex scenes of the seventies. 


2503 THE GIRLS OF MEL RAMOS 
(Pub. Price: $17.95) 

From Batman, Superman and others, 
Mel Ramos went on to explore the coy 
and tantalizing pin-ups and nudes 
featured in magazines and calendars. 
Reproduced here in the first compre- 
hensive survey of Ramos's work are 
156 of his paintings, 47 of them in 
color, together with selection of his 
drawings. This deluxe volume counts 
as two choices. 


started, what to buy, how much to pay. 


2205 MORE JOY 

Alex Comfort, M.B., Ph.D. 

(Pub: Price: $12.95) 

This daring and beautiful book picks 
up where The Joy of Sex left off. It 
goes further than any book we know 
in its exploration of the fine points in 
the lovemaking techniques between 
mature adults, 100 illustrations, 32 in 
full color. This deluxe volume counts 
as two choices, 


3303 THE FIRE CAME BY 

John Baxter & Thomas Atkins 
Introduction by Isaac Asimov 

(Pub. Price: $7.95) 

Did a nuclear-powered extraterrestrial 
Space-cratt destruct while attempting 
to land on earth, unleashing an. 
irreversible atomic holocaust? This is 
a spellbinding investigation into the 
most powerful unexplained explosion 
mankind had ever known—a cata- 
clysmic blast equaling 30 million tons 
of TNT in central Siberia on June 30, 
1908. The facts are here, as well as 24 
pages of photographs and drawings. 


2225 THE MOVIE BOOK 

Steven H. Scheuer 

(Pub. Price: $19.95) 

An enormous (9" x 12"), compre- 
hensive, authoritative, and unusually 
candid guide to the development of 


2661 THE DEEP 
Peter Benchley 

(Pub. Price: $7.95) 

Written by the author of Jaws, this is 
the bestselling story of a young 
American couple who stumble on a 


every film genre. Over 400 high-quality priceless underwater treasure. But 


pictures. This deluxe volume counts 
às two choices. 


2437 MAGIC WITH CARDS 

Frank Garcia and George Schindler 
(Pub. Price: $7.95) 

This book is pure magic. . .113 card 
“miracles” that can be periormed 
with an ordinary deck of cards. The 
illustrated routines include step-by- 
step instructions and performing 
patter. 


3304 THE FURY 

A novel by John Farris 

(Pub. Price: $8.95) 

If you enjoy edge-of-the-seat fiction, 
this bloodchilling story of psychic 
twins will tense your body and twist 
your nerves to the breaking point. 


first they must battle to the death with 
sharks, giant moray eels and far more 
ferocious human marauders, 


3306 THE GOLDEN GATE 

A novel by Alistair MacLean 

(Pub. Price $7.95) 

The President of the U.S. is being 
held for ransom in the middle of the 
Golden Gate Bridge—and it's wired 
10 explode! 


2431 THE GIRLS OF NEVADA 
Gabriel R. Vogliotti 

(Pub. Price: $7.95) 

Featuring Joe Conforte, overseer of 
the Mustang Ranch, a sexual super- 
market—this is the most graphic 
excursion into the whorehouses ol 
Las Vegas. 


2476 EROTIC ART OF 

THE MASTERS 

Bradley Smith 

Introduction by Henry Miller 

(Pub. Price: $35.00) 

An uncensored gallery of the greatest 
erotic works of the last three centuries. 
140 pages, reproduced in full color, 
depict every variety and combination. 
of sexual stimulation conceived by the 
world's most esteemed artists, Large 
in size (9" x 12"), superbly bound in 
natural buckram cloth with gold 
stamping and magnificently printed. 
This deluxe volume counts as 

two choices. 


3341 TWENTY MINUTES A DAY TO 
A MORE POWERFUL INTELLIGENCE 
Arbie M. Dale with Leida Snow 

(Pub. Price: $8.95) 

A dramatic new program to help 
people fulfill their potential by 
improving reading skills, vocabulary, 
memory, creative powers, getting 
ideas across, 


invites you to choose 


Playboy Book Club and you 
deluxe volumes count as two 


listed—for only $2.95. 
as high as $58.90! 


2644 THE NEW PHOTOGRAPHY 
Bradley Smith 

(Pub. Price: $12.95) 

Reflecting the most recent extensive 
changes in the field of photography, 
this is a modern manual for the 
amateur and semiprofessional 
photographer. 16 pages of color pho- 
tography and 100 pages of black- 
and-white photography. This deluxe 
volume counts as two choices. 


2504 TO TURN YOU ON 
J. Aphrodite 
(Pub: Price: $8.00) 


2662 THE R DOCUMENT 
Irving Walla 
(Pub. Price: $8.95) 
This bestseller is Irving Wallace's 
most compelling novel yet. Timely, 
frightening, set againsta background 
of rising crime and violence, it is the 
staggering story of a conspiracy to 
Set up a police state in the U.S, 


2672 100 SURE-FIRE BUSINESSES 
YOU CAN START WITH LITTLE 

OR NO INVESTMENT 

Jeffrey Feinman 

(Pub, Price: $8.95) 


3075 TOTAL ORGASM 

Jack Lee Rosenberg 

(Pub. Price: $7.95) 

Here, guided by illustrated exercises 
and massage techniques, you and your 
partner can learn to create and tolerate 
more excitement and pleasure—and 
how to make this increased capacity 
culminate in the ecstasy of total 
orgasm 


2247 QUARTERBACKS HAVE ALL 
THE FUN 

Written and edited by Dick Schaap 
(Pub. Price: $9.50) 

Covering the personal as well as the 
professional lives of the great quarter- 
backs, the editor of Sport magazine 
has brought together the finest, most 
revealing and most enduring writing 
about each of them and added his 
own sharp, perceptive and frequently 
hilarious comments. 


2457 THE GIRLS OF PLAYBOY 2 
(Pub. Price: $7.95) 

An all-new collection of more than 165 
full-color photos of Playboy's favorite 
females: Cover girls, Playmates, sex 
stars, Bunnies, models and girls from 
all around the world—all at their 
beautiful best, Stellar attractions 
include Linda Lovelace, Maria 
Schneider, Raquel Welch, Ursula 
Andress and Brigitte Bardot, 


2627 HUSTLERS AND CON MEN 
Jay Robert 
(Pub. Price: $14.95) 

A vivid, colorful and extraordinarily 
entertaining look at the boldest, most 
sophisticated, most wildly imaginative 
con artists of the past 200 years. 
Illustrated with 88 pictures of the con 
artists, this is the greatest roguo's 
gallery ever published. This deluxe 
volume counts as two choices. 


39 delightful sex fantasies written by 
à woman with an extraordinary 
sensual imagination. 


Club Benefits 


In addition to the dramatic saving on your 
enrollment books (value up to $58.90 for only 
$2.95), plus a free surprise book, you will save 
substantially on most of the books you buy later. 

Playboy's Choice, the Club publication that 
tells you all about each Selection and the many 
Alternates, will be sent to you 15 times a year— 
‘without charge, of course. If you want a Selec- 
tion, you need do nothing—it will be shipped to 
you automatically. If you do not want a Selection, 
or want a different book, or want no book at all 
that month, simply indicate your decision on the 
reply form enclosed with Playboy's Choice and 
mail it so we receive it by the date specified 
on the form. 

Our guarantee: If you should ever receive 
Playboy's Choice late, so that you have less than 
10 days to decide on the Selection, and the 
Selection is sent to you, you may return it at 
Club expense. 


no financial risk 


An indispensable quide to starting and 
Succeeding in business with little or 


G1 
Playboy Book Club 0.737 


P.O. Box 10207, Des Moines, lowa 50336 


Yes, enroll me as a new member and send me the books 
whose numbers | have listed in the boxes. In listing them, | have 
allowed for the fact that some deluxe volumes count as two choices, 
You will bill me only $2.95 for ali of them. 

You will also send me, free of charge, a surprise bonus book, 
hard-bound, publisher's price at least $6.95. 

| agree to purchase at least four additional books from the 
many hundreds of Club Selections or Alternates that will be offered 
to members in the coming year, most of them at special members’ 
prices. | can cancel my membership any time after | buy those four 
books. I have noted that a shipping charge is added to all shipments. 


eee 
(please print) 
meg md Address. Apt. 3t 
City. State. Zip. 


INTRODUCING A NEW LEVEL OF ELEGANCE 
DESIGNED TO BRING NEW LEVELS OF SATISFACTION. 


A shaft of warm, glowing light bends gracefully 
across a thickly padded, textured roof. This is 
Cordoba for 1977 Offered for the first time with 
the distinctive new Crown roof. An elegant option 
for on already remarkably satisfying car. 

A car thot from inception hos satisfied one's 
aesthetic sense with its purity of design and finely 
crofted interiors. Interiors offered even in fine 
Corinthion leather. 


A cor that satisfies one's pragmotic sense by 
its surprising affordability and the ingenious Leon 
Burn Engine®.. controlled by a small computer, it 
fires with uncanny precision to run smoothly and 
responsively. 

1977 Cordoba. Few things ia life 
achieve its rare combination of great 


beauty and uncommon good sense. 
And few things will satisfy so much (salmon 


"Not oveloble in Colifornio or ot altitudes over 4000 feer. 


PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 


British doctor has concluded that 
A Denmark's high rate of venereal dis 
ease may be blamed on the Danish word 
for condom, The doctor said Danish men 

bably prefer not using the contra 
ceptives at all to stuttering out the 
30-letter, ten-syllable word—svangerskabs 
forebyggend i—to the pharmacist 
In Sweden, where they are known simply 
as kondoms, cereal disease has been 
on the decline 

. 

It’s the same stuff they use to mak 
poop decks, no doubt. In an article about 
California's famed Anaheim Stadium, the 
Santa Ana Register said: “Eight million 

n structural st was required to 

truct the stadium. 

^ 

A reader reports seeing this sign hany 
in the window of a Eureka, Montana 
cleaning establishment: DROP you 


E—YOU WILL RECEIVE 


. 
as Water Quality Board not 
issued an order that stated, in 
that “each of the county govern 
s affected. by this hall be re 

ble for re constitu 

om the strec f 
regular program 


street sweepin| 


The crew of 
tia fishin 
Johnny anc 
overjoyed having 
netted a record catch of 
30,000 pour fish. 
That is, until they re- 
bered atthe 
boat's capacity was only 


15,000 pounds. The boat 


. 
In Grand Forks, North 
Dakota, the Voluntary Action 


Center's ne ran this 


int notice: “Volunteers are needed 
to prepare a simple lunch meal and feel a 
totally handicapped woman in her home 


The Crime 1 y Interest 
Award goes to the keepsie, New 
York, woman who robbed a bank at 
knife point, fled in a green Porsche and 
" rested a short time later at another 
bank, where she was using the stolen 
money to pay off a car lo: 

. 

A New Zealand newspaper, coveri 
ı feminist demonstration, stated: “They 
marched shoulder to shoulder deman 

form and act 
s added to the fes 
. 

A church secretary from well 
England, resi protest after the 
vicar won a prize for submitting the fol 
lowi iginal limerick to à m T 

n is a young lady from Danbury 
Addicted to apple cranberry / Jelly 
ind jam / With pickles and ham / And a 
bit on the side with Lord Lansbury.’ 

1 bit on the 


à bit of fruit on the 


secretary was not convinced, 


ying: "This isn't the sort of thing you 

expect from a vicar. 
e 

Over the past two years, a young 
Taiwanese man has written a total of 
700 love letters to his girlfriend proposing 
marriage. His persistence finally paid off 
Ihe girl announced her engagement to 
the postman who delivered the letters. 

^ 

The al Service has begun distrib 
uting cards on which consumers can 
complain about their postal service 
Authorities say they expect the most com 
mon complaint to be that PLAYBOY ar 
rives with the centerfold torn out 

. 

An article on wife beating in the Erie 
Pennsylvania, Times-News observed: "Ac 

"ding to a Harris opinion poll, 20 
percent of all adults and 25 percent of 
all college-educated adults feel that wife 
cating is perfectly proper 

. 

Senator Ahmad Arshad of Kuala 
Lumpur has proposed that Malaysian 
policemen be required to wear long trou 
sers, rather than the standard skirts. The 
reason: The sight of their bare legs dis. 

tracts motorists—male and fe 
male alike 
. 
After the opening of a new 
pig-breeding unit rdi 
. Wales, The Western 
Mail reported: “Twenty 
local residents, including 
the mayor of Cardigan 
will be shown round the 
and the rest of 
week will be spent 
fumigating the premises," 
. 
Getting it up for Mao! A 
series of sex manuals, com 
plete with quotes from the 
works of Mao, is selling like hot 
cakes in Red China. One of these 
i manual for teenagers, says that 


19 


PLAYBOY 


20 


masturbation results in overstimulation 
, general 
ion of revolution- 
As a deterrent, young people are 


of the brain, dizziness, insomn 

weakness and "the er 

ill. 

urged to devote full attention to "hard" 

study of the works of Lenin, Marx and 

Mao and to wear loose-fitting underwear, 
. 


Headline in the Kenosha, Wisconsin, 
article about the donation 
and blue basketballs to 


News, over a 


of six red, whit 
the students of Lincoln Junior High: 
PATRIOTIC BALLS GIVEN TO LINCOLN.” 


" 
Memo of the Month Award goes to the 
California Department of Food and Agri 


vice to employees concerning safety after 


culture, which issued the following 
normal working hours: "Travel between 
floors by elevator only in buildings hav 
ing elevators.” 

. 

In an article about the dissolution of 
St. Louis Countys Decent Literature 
Commission, the St, Louis Post-Dispatch 
quoted a commission member as say 
ing: "While we cannot eradicate obscen 
ity completely, there is no reason for us to 


PLAYBOY'S 


Voted in for her contribution to the 
art of good grooming: a Canadian 


woman who claims that the excrement 
of a mynah bird has cleared up her 
dandruff. The g 
a tennis club 


was having lunch at 
hen a mynah bird 
landed on her head and relieved itself 
“I left it there," she said, “thinking it 
had to have some nutritional value. I 


rubbed it into my hair and let it dry 
before washing it out. I guess you could 
call it a poop treatment. 


A GUDE IO BLACK SLANG 


hy do black people 
talk the way they 
do? Some linguists 


(white) answer, “B 
they have thick 
Black ling 
“Say that again, turkey, 
and I'll go up 'side yo" 
But scholarly dis- 


putes over pronuncia: 
tion aside, we can all 
agree that black 
guage, particularly bl 
slang, often pre 


problems of ve ry 
Therefore, in order to 
prevent minor social 
blunders, w nt 
Fran Ross's y of 


black terminology, ex 
cerpted from the soon- 
to-be-published book 
Titters: The First Col 
ection of H 
Women” (Ma 
edited by Dea 
man and Anne Be 
American Express: À man 
who suffers from prema 
ture ejaculation. Used exclusively as a 


putdown of white males, Conversely, a 


Master Chorge is one who has great stay 
ing power—that is, all black men. We 
leave to your imagi 
Club means, 

bad: Fc 


bad or good. Remember, it is always 


vation what Diner's 


tly meant good, Now means 


used in a deliberately confusi 


man 
ner when the speaker is among whites. 
bleach: Bribe money, For example, 
with enough bleach, a black person 
starts to look white eno 
table at "21," Not a 


least you can say you 


ph to get a 


one, but at 


there 

down home: Formerly meant the South. 
Now means the Manhattan House of 
Detention (also known as The Tombs) 
or, by extension, any jail or prison. If 
someone says, "I just came back from 
down home down home," he is not 
stuttering but merely means he was 
just released from Atlanta Federal 
Penitentiary. 

early: late. 

get metroed: (from Metropolitan Life) 
To be discovered hiding in the closet 
just after your kid has told the insur- 
ance man you weren't at home 

hap: First it was hep, then hip. Watch 
out for changes of one vowel in black 
slang. It is often a subtle put-down of 
whites who try to be too hup. 

in: out 

James Brown (someone): To grab a per- 
son and process his hair against his 
will. An act of political. punishment 
for those who act too "white." 

job hunting: Sleeping or messing up on 


your job so persistently 
that you are fired and 
therefore presumably 
have to look for employ 
ment elsewhere. Before 
that happens, however, 
you are entitled to un- 
employment — benefits— 
the 


incorr 


object of the 


ble job hunter 

junior jumper: A rapist un 
der 16 years of age. A 
rapist over 16 is not a 
senior jumper but is 
probably a misunder 
stood brother who is 
railroaded by a 


being 


racist, oppressive judicial 
system with the help of 
some hysterical, uptight 
white chick 

LeRoy: Capital of Rufus. 
Sce Rufu 

Let me fry your eggs: That 
is, let me scramble your 
brains, tell you some 
startling news. This term 
often leads to confusion 
it breakfast time 

M.CP.: Originally stood for "my Cadil 


lac payment, 


the highest 


used for anythi 
priority—e.g., my Cadillac payment 
Negro: Formerly a black person, Now 


any fairskinned middle-class white 


man or woman who has every record 
the Shirelles ever mad: 

q: Rescue, barbecue, curlicue, etc 
Black people like to drop unnecessary 
syllables. Let context be your guide 
with five 


royal grits; Regular gr 


ounces sautéed chitlins and two thirds 


cup red wine per serving 


wine must cost at least 98 cents a 


gallon to be considered good 


Rufus: The name being held in reserve 
for the first all-black state, 

stay: go. 

tough maracas: Depending on voice 
pitch, either the highest compliment or 


the grossest insult that can be directed 


to those of Hispanic descent. A low 
register delivery means praise, a 
pitched “reading” can mean a 
fight. Some of the most accompl 
insulters are male singers who arc 
adept at falsetto. 

v-8: An eight-time loser in the social 
disease sweepstakes. One more loss and 
you self-destruct, or V.O. 

West Indian wompum: A ten«lollar loan 
for which you only have to put up, as 
collateral, your right arm and your 
mother. West Indians have not exactly 
done the best PR job in the world. 
xylophone: Cello. 

ZA. 


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9 


E de Sah e led 
Death Valle. 


Furnace 


sea level 


Even rugged B 
into the Valle 


the Western Hemisphere—is 
hidden a case of the wettest 
whisky in 87 lands: Canadian 


Club. If you're up to the adven- 


ture, you might try to find it 


A Sober Warning: — 
Please be warned before you set 


The names of Death 
are names born of despair 


Springs, Coffin Canyon, Fu- — tl 
neral Mountains. 
brackish pool called Badwa 
ter is actually 280 feet below 
- which is just 
of saying as 
as a man on 


One acrid 


another way 
close to Hell 

venture —X earth can get 
vepidatk And somewhere in this 
desolate jumble of earthquake debris, lava flows, fort, 
sand dunes and salt flats—the hottest, driest hole in 


Death Valley 


Valley 


Lostman 


Where 
eratures of 


out, you'll be trespass 
ing in a world apart. A 
world where 120* in 
hade is common 
surface 
190° 
melt the rubber soles 
of your shoes 
your bare hand touch- » l 
ing a simple metal tool can mean a painful third de 


temp- 
can 


And 


gree burn. The fierce desert heat twists and warps 


the unwary 


Survival Hints 


reason. Even in this age of 


Your Route to the Treasure: 


Head south out of Furnace Creek. 


Past Badwater. Past Devil's Golf 
Course. Past Dante's View. South 
of Saratoga Springs, turn right on 


the road just outside the bound- 


ary of the Death Valley National 


"air conditioned com- 
it remains capable of snuffing out the lives of 


Monument. In less than a 
mile, you'll find an old road 
that leads straight up into the 
hills. Soon you'll come to a 
fork. To the left the old road 
continues, To the right it be 
comes a wash. Up that wash 
is a shady spot where you 
can rest before starting your 


final assault 


While 


rock through which 


hole. Proceed 144 
paces up the wash from 
that rock. Then turn to- 
ward the setting sun 
Now take thirteen 
more paces toward that 
ball of fire that's been 
trying to drive you out 
of the Valley all day 


Yr Final Reward: 


you're You'll have to dig around a little to find 
sitting there, you'll our Canadian Club. And in Death Val- 
notice an ancient 


ley that can mean a fifth of sweat an 
hour. But that's why we hid a whole 


[je centuries of relent- case, Because by the time you find it, 


carved 


less erosion have 


a 


you'll have a thirst for more than mere 
adventure. 


Gn, Ute 


“The Best In The House’ in 87 lands. 


natural 


XY. € 1976 


t her mother's wedding, an ample, 
beautiful young matron (Marie- 
Christine Barrault) whose dolt of a hus- 
band has disappeared—as usual, with 
another guest's wife—finds herself alone 
with a stranger (Victor Lanoux). He asks 
her to dance. Though he could pass for a 
bank teller, he's a dancing teacher, she 
learns, who automatically changes jobs 


every three years just to diminish life's 
dullness, His name is Ludovic, hers is 
Marthe. They have just become cousins 
by marriage and discover an even closer 
tie when their respective mates show up 
looking smug and rumpled. That's only 
the beginning of Cousin, Cousine, a delicious 
adult comedy about love, extramarital dal 
liance and unchained sensuality in the 
very bosom of the French bourgeoisie 
Writer-director Jean-Charles “Tacchella 
won Frances prestigious Prix Louis 
Dellue for 1975 with this, his second 
feature, and the screen is brim full of 
evidence that he deserved it: Everything 
he tries to do, he does exactly right. If 
French film imports were appraised like 
perfume, you'd have to place this one 
somewhere between Joy and Chanel No. 
5. Cousin, Cousine ends with a family 
Christmas scene, disrupted | somewhat 
when Marthe and Ludovic retire to a 
back bed 
uated from mere intimacy to headlong 


i—by now they have grad 


desire and don't give a damn what any 
one thinks—while their impatient chil 
dren, mates, grandma and assorted uncles 
and aunts wait to open the presents 
Thinking she ought to feel humiliated, 
Ludovic's spoiled, faithless wife (played 
with suave screwball perfection by Marie 
France Pisier) goes into the bathroom to 
cut her wrists but starts touching up her 
lipstick instead. Suicide, after all, might 
hurt, ‘Tacchella guides his hero and 
heroine through a frank and refreshingly 
funny love scene—during one brief post 
coital respite, Ludovic takes down 
Marthe's recipe for a rabbit marinade 
that’s an instant classic on the level of 
It Happened One Night. Though both 
Barrault and Lanoux are maturely at 
tractive, they are Real, rather than Beau 
tiful, People in the chic Parisian mod 
of, say, Deneuve and Delon. They arc 
however, irresistible, and so is Cousin 
Cousine. 
. 

As a feisty damsel in distress who can 
brandish a rapier or a dagger if the need 
arises, vivacious Genevieve Bujold is the 
main attraction of Swashbuckler, director 
James Goldstone's lively attempt to revive 
the sort of pirate epic they used to build 
around Errol Flynn. Unfortunately, no 
one seems certain whether Swashbuckler 
is supposed to spool Errol's old-time 
originals or to duplicate them in every 


way possible. Robert Shaw, an actor of 


Schizophrenic Swashbuckler, 


“Tracks says a lot that is well 
worth saying about American 
innocence, American guilt 
and American self-delusion in the 
years between World War Two and 
our debacle in Southeast Asia.” 


Bumpy Tracks. 


et very far with it as a pirate 


too much deliberation in 


As the villain of the piece 


a second-generation 
James Earl Jones, 
yes and Geoffrey Holder flesh 


Walter Slezak, either. 


out a tireless supporting cast that spends 
lusty humor and high spirits on a script 
that’s mostly bare bones, when what's 
needed is buried treasure. Moviegoers 
who don't remember Flynn or even Burt 


Lancaster swi. 


g a cutlass from a ship's 
yardarm can still enjoy Swashbuckler as a 
reasonably faithful reproduction, much of 
el called the 
Blarney Cock—actually, a replica of Sir 
Francis Drake's 16th Century square 
rigger, The Golden Hinde. The ship 
effectively upst 
Bujold. 


it filmed aboard a ve 


yes nearly everyone but 


. 

Most critics detested writer-director 
Henry Jaglom's A Safe Place (with Tues 
day Weld and Orson Welles), a diffuse 
but fascinating 1971 film that has gone 
on to attract a cult followi 
Tracks looks far more accessible a 


lom's 


ince 
as a relatively clear-cut and solid topical 
drama—with Dennis Hopper as a Viet 


ng a flagdraped 


nam v 
coffin a 
Taryn Power (Tyrone’s daughter, mak 


an escor 


os the country by train and 


a promising debut in American films. 
though she has already achieved starlet 
I he meets in transit 


is well worth saying 


status abroad) as 
T racks says a lot th: 
tbout American innocence American 
guilt and American self-delusion in the 
years between World War Two and our 


debacle in Southeast Asia. There is meth 


od in the madness brilliantly expres 
by Hopper, as the psycho soldier who 
runs around nude—or imagines he does 

and suffers a crisis of conscience when 
one of his traveling companions (Dean 
Stockwell) turns out to be a fugitive 
radical. There has never yet been a 
wholly successful film on the unpopular 
subject of the U.S. experience in Viet 
nam, and Tracks may be a bit too 
much—and too late—to achieve maxi 


mum impact. Jaglom creates further ob. 


stacles for his audience through sucl 
devices as using a hand-held camera on 
in honest-to-God moving train. Result 
blurs. Flaws and all, however, 7 
wail along 


H 
Former basketball superstar Wilt 


Chamberlain is executive roducer of 
Go for I, touted without exaggeration 

1 nonstop high-energy freedom trip" on 
the subject of high-risk sports. Dir 
Paul Rapp, who must have enjoyed Bruce 
Brown's phenomenally successful En 
Summer back in the Sixties, also concen 
trates chiefly on surfing—but. gives near 
equal time to skate boarding 


song. backed by a racily rhythmic 


score, ought to give teenaged sk 
enthusiasts a lift as well as a sense 


to that wor 


belongi 


venture usually associated 


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Dutch tulip bulbs 


cost iron cookwore J 13e stomps marshmallows 


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av. per cigarette—hard paci 3 - j 
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none of that diverting Hitchcock hur 


he is almost as self-confident a cin 


stylist, and Bernard Herrmar 
musical score helps make Obses m 
1s emotionally tremulous, at times, as 
Hitchcock's classic The 


sustained by Robertson's hyp in 
tensity a man who makes falling in 
love h terminal, played against the 
enticing presence of French-Can 

actress Genevieve Bujold in her provoca 
tive dual role as the deceased lady and th 
unsettling facsimile. Measurably more 


imaginative than The Omen, a recent 
box-office bonanza from coast to coast 
Obsession spreads terror with civilized 
restraint instead of resorting to short 
circuited shock therapy 
. 
Le Magnifique teams Jean-Paul 


Belmondo with Jacqueline 


Bisset in director Philippe 
De Broca’s bouom-drawer 
spoof of James Boi 


heroes—Belmondo play- 


ing a writer whose fan- 
tasies work better on 
paper than in real 
life, Jacqueline as the 


raving beauty who 


the best of both worlds. "The 
audience gets the short end of 
the shtick, along with sicken 


ing quantities of 


ns—and a few 


Blazing across the screen in 


electrifying moments from 
such classic roles as Camille 
Phèdre and Joan Are, 


Glenda Jackson manages 
steal every scene of The Incredible 


Sarah from the divine Bern 


m 


hardt herself, This sumptuous 


Reader's Digest produ 

is supposed to be a filmed 
portrait of the great French 
theatrical star who ruled 
the stage a century ago: it 


is actually no more and 


less than a smoothly d tour de force 


for La Jackson, doing the kind of liamboy 
ant stuff that makes her a perennial favor 
ite in the Oscar race. To that we can 
relate, but there's minimal public curi 


osity about Bernhardt. (Sarah who? I 


shall be the greatest actress who has ever 
lived," vows Glenda as the tempestuous 


young shooting star whose early risc 


gradual decline and triumphant come 
back (as Saint Joan) are touched upon in 
a dully conventional screenplay by Ruth 
Wolff, unimaginatively directed by Rich 
ard Fleischer. Nevertheless, Glenda whips 
through 


| a montage of hits, flops, tirades, 


spirited duos with 


id or lover, plus 
à brief display of selfless heroism while 
nursing soldiers through the Franco. 
War—as if she knows full well 


to carry the show along 


ith the 


l and doesn't doubt for a second 


Incredible Glenda. 


ah would be an intolerable 
1 


bore, but Glenda transforms Bernhardt's 


eccentricities into revelations about 


lady who slept in a coffin when the m 


spurned the nob 


illegitimat 


courtesar 
virtuoso solo (Daniel M 
other capable actors fill 


ble sı 


ming cas 


movies today have + 
women, Thi 


»ut done to a t 


lots of p 


by Don Siegel. ‘The 


an old gunslinger, wincing 


nal canc 


Carson City's smart 


ilecky riffralf before he 
dies. Which raises several 

M interesting moral que 
tion: the film 
bru t them with 


scarcely a nod from 
Siegel. If you think 
tha add: up 
emotional depth. 
DL away For à 
Wayne epic, The Shoc 
atypically low-key but 


frequently off-key, despite 


personable stints by Bi 
John, James Stewart, Ron 
Howard and Lauren Bacall 


last far too chic and 


wemporary to be convinc 


ing as a boarding 


landlady, thoug 
to be wea 
ind. grace 
rine Hc 


From Noon Till Three 


brin new Charle 


Bronson. And how son plays a 


squeamish « > has a bad, bad 


dream the ni; à planned bank 
robbery and weasels out of it. While 


his chums are being cau 1 


ind. hangec 


he spends the day making love to a 


rich, lonely widow (Jill Ireland, Mrs. 
Bronson offscreen), then escapes the law 
Later the widow writes a book about her 
brief idyl with the handsome desperado, 


whom she believes dead. The book 


comes a turn-of-the-century best 
and the lady so much prefers roma 
fantasy to simple truth that she will 
has fa 

till alive 


orm. In fac 


acknowledge that the man 


ioned into a glorious le 


and well and ripe for re 
nobody believes the former badman wher 
he insists he's the real Graham Dorse 
and he finally goes a little 


to prove he exists. Cha 


crazy tryir 


staunches 


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PLAYBOY 


fans might reasonably ask: Is this 
way to run a Bronson movie? Well, writer 
Frank D. Gilroy, who wrote the 
prizewinning play The Subject Was 
Roses and the novel from which Noon 
Till Three was adapted, apparently felt 


Bron. 


any 


director 


no pressing ob 


tion to preserve 
the 


Bronson's ironman in 


son's macho myth at expense of a 


good yarn 


ge is 
becomes funny merely 
And 


so strong that he 


by going x with the gag. 


g but a ribald tale 


it's 


not just a 


instant surrender and frequent 


with rape 


sexual innuendo between the outlaw and 


the lady, climaxed when Bronson comes 
back and can't establish his identity in 
the widow's eyes until he unbuttons his 


fly to jog her Jill and Charles 


memory 


take a litte getting used to in a movie 
that emphasizes foreplay rather than gun 
play, yet they obviously relish the change 
of pace—and their enjoyment is enjoy 


They're like 
suburban couple who shake up commu 


able to watch i nice square 
nity standards by playing a racy boudoir 


comedy in the local little theater 


FILM CLIPS 


Alpha Beta the talents. of 


Albert. Finney 


squanders 
and Rachel Roberts in a 
crudely filmed version of E. A 


Whitehead's 


ssive damage report on one couple's 


also-ran London play—a 


pre 
lass Liv 
"n 


crowd. 


god-awful marriage in working 
Who's Afraid of Vir 


tinned-beans-and-telly 


pool. It's 


with the 


Take someone you hate 


Special Delivery: Cybill Shepherd stars 


with Bo Svenson, who shows that his 


leading-man potential has scarcely been 


cratched in a caper. comedy-drama that 


dwindles into nothingness after a 


plen 
did start 
The Outlaw Josey Wales, directed by Clint 


Eastwood, is an uncommonly good Clint 


Eastwood picture—with Clint playing an 


angry (and evidently bulletproof) fugitive 
from injustice, off on a compelling Amer 
ican odyssey in the period just after the 


Civil War 
Tho Driver's Seat: Made 
Muriel Spark 


l'aylor 


in Italy from an 


chide give one of her 


choicest (that’s not. saying 


much, al ind Liz makes the best of it 


is a rich, sick lady in search of a man who 


will rape and murder her exactly as she 


it in her darkest dreams 


The Return of a Man Called Horse brin 


back Richard Harris, once again with 


thongs piercing his well-defined pec 


is either an act of 


torals, presumably 


1 Sioux. H. 


wonement for white guilt or an S/M 
melodrama about a 19th Century English 
man who through hell tọ keep 
ignorance and superstition alive amon: 
the American Indians. It's imy 


till Harris and 


brothers start playing tit for tat 


scenic, though 


X-RATED 


s a breakthrov 
AA imovie, Last Tengo 


looks fairly tep- 


id compared with direc 
Marco Ferreri's The 


last Woman, a smash hit 


tor 
in Europe and sure to 
invite controversy, as 


well as outr animo: 
Plainly 
it takes 


burly 


ght 
ity. over here 


aware that two 


to tango, serard 
Depardieu—France’s an 
Albert 


who co-stars with Robert 


DeNiro in Bernardo Ber 


swer to Finney 


tolucci's long-awaited 


epic 1900. 


ness and outstrips his 
leading lady (€ 


Muti, a ravishing Italian | impeccably tasteful dra 
beauty) reel alter reel, ma about the ultimat 
Depardieu appears nude | limits of sexual experi 
during great chunks of ence. As a lusty man an 
the movie, occasionally Emasculating Empire. his nonstop mistress, 
spor an erection, fre Tatsuya Fuji and Eike 
quently fondling himself Ma virtually scre 

or jerking off at the bath each other i a state 
room sink to relieve his “The heroine finally of total collapse—unti 
m d BI strangles her partner shel E Mola ey 
the main problem of the While heis coming, then up for air, if not for 
film's hero, a practicing severs his sex organina kf and water. The 
male chauvinist who paroxysm of ecstasy couple's sensual impo 
finds that he cannot Sp sible mission ultimatel 
function in a changed the average man may not leads them to iper 
modern world where lib fully appreciate. ment with n 
erated women mock the and ritual murder, € 

concept of “phallic su ploring those murky 


macy.” Divorced or 


pre 
eparated (ZouZou) and 
infant son, Last 


onist starts off 


from his wife 
given custody of their 


s horny 


prot 


the boy's nursery school 


who moves in with him, takes over his 

hild, befriends his wife and ultimately 

proves to him that he is the baby, me 

u women for his infantile self-gr 
One day, in a blind rage, he 
his problem—or at least attack 
cutting off cock h an 

electric carving knife. Penectomy ma 


em to be an odd sort of dramatic 


terested in offering c 


delineating the danger 


experience, as he sho 
ic The Gran 


the sexes to y finish wi 
intensit mmands atten 

tion 1 work of art 

. 
Whacking off used mean ne 

m hic penis removal 
a cocks-a trend in 

enough already. Nevertheless, the hottest 


ticket and most-talked 
about — attraction in 
the backstreet cine 
mas at this year's Cannes 
Film Festival was The 
Empire of the Senses (or 
The Tyranny of t 
Sen depending 
whose translation you 
trust), a French-Japanese 


director Nagisa Oshima 


If it manages to clear 
U.S. Customs, uncen 
sored, and arrive per 
schedule ar the Ne 
York Film Festival t 
fall, Empire ought to 
create the same ensa 
tion here. It is 


ical ir hat make the act of N 


indist other act of 


1 sexual climax. The provocative her 
ol E the Sen galle 
libido always seems several jumps ahea 
Mf her tireless partner's, finally strar 
him h hist nser vile 
cesta he average man m í 
ly appr Oshima » L d 
ly based or Y 
Sada, w fo , 1936, 
in cet te of 

he ud lover vitals. T 


The SEAGRAM'S GI 
Naked Martini. 


1 Oriental intellectu 


wa His direction is clear 
xpo E. us oe ciere d Forget the vermouth. Just pour the perfect martini gin over the rocks. 
nogra Never obvious itil 


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when you can think of itas an inexpensive luxury? 


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bor Richard's wife, Sally: "Since the 
start of their affair he was always run- 
ning, hurrying, creating time where 
no time had been needed before; he 
become an athlete of the clock, 
ding odd hours into an unprece- 
ted and unsuspected second life. |” 
he wanted. | 


He 
his kisses to 1 
Ruth, perceives the new buoyance in 
Jer “He became crazy 
about the twist and at parties his con- 
torted, spiring figure scemed 
that of a mysterious son in whom she 
could tke only an apprehensive eg 
pride, his energy so excessive 

It was grotesque and would have 
been pitiful in a man of 30, if he did 
not seem, in a frantic way, happy.” 
Ruth is unnerved by Jerry's liberated 
behavior: she fears he has discovered her 
affair with Sally's husband, Richard: “She 
composed confessions and explanations 
in her head... . The best she could say 
was that she had done it to become a 
better woman and therefore a better 
wife." John Updike's eighth. novel, Marry 
Me (Knopl), is a delicately sculpted por- 
trait of two young couples in suburban 
€ John Kennedy, all 
trying to become better people and better 
spouses. But mostly trying to figure out 
what it is they want and how to get it 
without coming totally unhinged by their 
all-too-typical infatuations, guilts and de 
ceptions, of themselves and of one an- 


ad giv 


/s behavior 


mecticut, circa 


jerry has fallen in love with his neigh- 


From Updike, secretly swapping couples. 


“A brilliant close-up 
of middle-class marrieds 
struggling through 
changing morality.” 


add a dozen or so inept hustlers, gangsters, 
cavesdroppers and assorted wackos, throw 
in a few bungles, a handful of mix-ups 
and a couple of coincidences, and what 


have you got? The ingredients in Donald 
E. Westlake’s maddest caper comedy to 
date, Dancing Aztecs (M. Evans). Westlake's 
capers (Cops and Robbers, The Hot 
Rock) are not his best books, but they 
are easily his most popular; and, un- 
like most ordinary crafters in the genre, 
Westlake generally uses the form to 
satirize something—in this case, it's the 
lile, society, hustle and. ethnicity of the 
Big Apple. We still think Westlake's 
numero achievement is Adios, 
Scheherezade, but Dancing Aztecs (the 
\ title refers to the statue, which re 
sembles an Aztec priest doing the 
M, proverbial two-step) is good, clean 
fun, provided you can keep tabs 
on who's who and what's what, nor 
a simple task in itself. If Westlake 
ever writes a sequel, we hope he 
calls it Montezuma's Revenge. 
. 

Since Richard Brautig 
brero Fallout (Simon & Schuster), 
titled “A Japanese Novel,” it seems only 

fair to give it a Japanese review: 

Haiku for Richard 

Below zero sombrero, 

Orient lover gone. 
No eggs again, 


uno 


Ys latest, Som- 
is sul» 


. 

Sleeping Murder: Miss Morple's—and 
Agatha Christie’s—test Cose (Dodd, Mead) 
may, unfort y, put its readers to 
sleep. Dame Agatha's reputation was far 
better served by her penultimate Curtain 


up view of 
middle-class 
marrieds strug 
gling through 
the changing 
morality of the 
early Sixties. 


Aztec 
statue lifted 
from a South 


American mu 
seum, mix it up 
with a ship 
ment of 16 
cheap but 
identical rep 
ductions, dis 
tribute them 
randomly 
among 16 
people, place 
them all over 
New York City, 


Thirties (Pantheon). Pimps, 
whores and frequenters of 
opium dens appear in this 
unique view of the seamy 
side of /a vie parisienne 40 
years ago. Below is Miss 
Diamonds, photographed in 
a Montmartre bar, 1932; at 
right is the book's cover pho- 
to, At Suzy, Introductions. 


ther. Updike's which Hercule 
v of cow Poirot — closed 
ples is always Previously unpublished pic- ——m last fall. Miss 
microscopic, tures by the French photog- Marple — seems 
M ae ce rapher Brassai are revealed HEr aa he one 
SL dose in The Secret Paris of the dist ble 
» se 


wrapped up 
from page one, 
and almost ev- 
eryone else will, 
too, All, that 
is, except the 
witless English 
newlyweds 


Gwenda and 
Giles Reed, 
who buya 


home 
in which the 
[ had un 
knowingly lived 
as a child and 


country 


where she had 
witnessed— 
what else?— 
murder, The 
Reeds stumble 
dimly through 


the plot togeth- 
er, though 
Gwenda, we 
feel, would be 


Ed 


ee ee eee “ale Ties Sieh ie 

wofit in any posthumous Christi 

The Bolex Travelogue. rs hope he ges er 

U rf We can without hardcover " 

O. LOOK. Listen. AO AUR 
Every trip is an exciting ancine du Plessix 5 Lovers 
adventure when you're traveling Tyrants (Simon & ter) has be 
with the Bolex 551-XL sound touted as the fer to Po 
movie camera. You can capture M Well, so, but it 
both motion and live sound for 
a magical experience that ‘stills’ 
or silent films can't match. It's 
exposure and sound control. 
And, you enjoy Hollywood 
special effects, from powered 
5-to-1 zooms to dramatic close- 
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without movie lights. All yours 
from Bolex, the most respected 
name in movie equipment. 
Other models with features and 
prices to fit your needs. Travel 
to your Bolex dealer. Or 
write for Lit/Pak P76 to 
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Industries, Inc., Woodbury, 
N.Y. 11797. [83 the reader quite 


BOLEX ^ 
SUPER-8SOUND || mering friends and relations 


Hollywood-in-hand. | | hole vie on à much more coa 


Fro men, two memor 


tone urnalist in 
from husband and children, Stephanie 
travels the West with a photograp! 


who »pts her as his earth mother 


er 40s separ 
1 


ing his lying love even as he make 
with ar guy though the i 


has mome it work 


enou | comfortably high ni 
in the ranks of contemporary x 
fiction 

A far more readable but mud 


significant work is restaurant critic 
hing g 


jor out o 
money tha 


Greene's rc a à clef (of hich an e 
cerpt appeared in the October rLAYBov 
Blue Skies, No Candy (Morr Kate 

ler lets her genitals lead her 
insatiable search for freedom, a persi: 
Ment impulse that takes her xs the 
millionaire to with the boy Peacock 

plays hard to get by not coming 

Kate's cunt first He is the 
mate fuck, the s who k 
more about the subject than Kate 
when he gives her a real ¢ 
in is home in Texas, she « 
out, opting instead for infre 
lover who trea »bje 
never calls her by n: 
is a compendium of 


Yorkers are all 
in this sc 


ROYALE zz a tude — nur vn pur 
by Gold Label is ir a 


urvive 


has successfully outraunched Erica 


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California Brandy Mist. 


Pour California Brandy 
over crushed rocks, add a 
twist, and enjoy. Taste 
why so many people are 
| taking to light, smooth 
— 44 California Brandy before 
ls, as well as after. 


California Brandy 
Screwdriver. 


Light, golden California 
Brandy, made from grapes, 
mixes gloriously with 
orange juice. As a matter 
of fact, California Brandy 
offers a marvelous change 
of pace in any mixed 
drink. Try it. 


but Kate lacks Isadora Wing's introspec- 
tion and ultimately lovable insecurity and 
humor. Smug Kate adores being a sexpot 
a trifle too much to make this novel more 
than a one-night stand. 
e 

Perhaps the only agrecable thing about 
Jeff Greenfield's book on the Boston Celt- 
ics is its title. This is, indeed, The World's 
Greatest Team (Random House /Sport mag 
azine), and what a shame that the book— 
one of the few written about a squad 
whose local press has historically ignored 
it—doesn't begin to match its subject. 
Greenfield's chapters consist of brief, facile 
profiles of all the requisite Celtics 
Auerbach, Cousy, Sharman, Russell, et 
wd they read with that same ador- 
-type simplicity that has for all 
years characterized Sport magazine's 
own adolescent prose. Because Greenfield 


ing. 
i 


has made no attempt at organization 
beyond this elementary brick-piling of 
one sketch upon another, his facts and 
references overlap. And, most grievously, 
he has interviewed few sources, waveled 
with the team not at all, described 
games in detail; in short, he's writte 
lazy book about the most hard-working 
team in all of sport. 


QUICK READS 


W. A. Swanberg / Norman Thomas: The Lost 
Idealist (Scribner's): In this Presidential 
election month, it seems only right to find 
a good biographical account of the great 
Socialist who ran six times for the highest 
office in the land but won only a seat on 
a New York school board. No matter 
Thomas energy and integrity remain 
absolute. 

Trevanion /The Main (Harcourt Brace 
Jovanovich): The author of The Eiger 
Sanction and The Loo Sanction returns 
with a new mystery. The Main is Mow 
treal’s immigrant district, policed for 30 
years by tough, incorruptible Lieutenant 
La Pointe. The investigation of a murder 
forces La 
times and the fact that his kind of justice 
is outmoded, The identity of the mur 
derer is a big shock to the good lieuten: 
ant—and to the reader 

Anthony Rhodes / Propaganda (Chelsea 
House), subtitled “The Art of Persuasion 
World War I": A visual compendium of 


Pointe to face the changing 


all forms of propaganda used by the 
Allied and Axis powers during World 
Two and the years that led up to it 


Wa 
The impact of its more than 550 photo: 
graphs, over 270 in color, is astonishing. 
A must. 


These skis can actually help 
you ski better. 


The Kastle Newstyle Champion is not a racing ski. 
And it's too advanced for a beginner. 
But for the majority of us who fit somewhere 
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The unusual 3- It can draw out of you skills you may ski a 160-cm. or 
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back to the tail, the ski is narrow... 
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Look at the tip: the guard plate is under 
the P-Tex, allowing the running surface 
to run cleanly right to the tip of the ski. 


Itis pre-tuned at the factory. 
Kastle has taken a page right out of its 
racing book and applied it to the 
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the moment you buy it. 
For your free copy of the 
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In any kind of conditions. 
On any kind of terrain. 

Wild-eyed ravings? 
Read on. 


style Champion over and 
peer at its running surface. 
It all begins to make sense. 

Onegrooveatthe front; no 
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Butunder the boot, no groove at 
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skis in a slow turn. Now think about 
how easily you can turn without the 
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Atthe back of the ski, two grooves. Pic- 
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The new style of sidecut. 
Compactskisare easier to ski on. Espe- 
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37 


i HE [ ’ J my of : My Nam. 


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40 


here's no doubt that Jan Hammer is 

now in the public consciousness. As 
soon as we heard The First Seven Days al- 
bum, we knew it was going to happen, and 
it has. But we must say we're not too crazy 
about the kind of music that’s getting him 
all the attention these days—that LP with 
Jeff Beck and Oh, Yeak? (Nemperor), 
featuring the Jan Hammer Group (Ham- 
mer on almost every kind of keyboard, 
Steven Kindler, violin and guitar, Fer- 
nando Saunders, bass and vocals, Tony 
Smith, drums and vocals, plus percus- 
sionist David Earle Johnson on most 
of the tracks). Well, Oh, ah? is a 
very tricky (tricked-up?) 
Hammer plays as if he had a dozen 
fingers on each hand, and some of 
the numbers sound like they're de- 
signed to transport you strai 
disco land—a strong, almost hypnotic 
beat, figures repeated long after. you've 
got the message and vocals that can vie 
for inanity honors with any of the big- 
selling pop-rock pap around. It's all done 
marvelously well, mind you, but it still 
has the stamp of the cookie cutter to it. 
Oh, Yeah? was cut in the States; Me love 
(BASF/MPS) was recorded live in Mu- 
nich. Maybe that has something to do with 
the latter's having it ali over the former. 
Hammer plays only piano and organ; he 
just has bassist George Mraz and drummer 
Gees See for backing and there 
are no vocals within earshot 
Simple  stuff—but cerebral 
enough to bring you back for 
multiple replays. It probably 
all boils down to the difference 
between what's new and what's 
nuance. We'll take the velvet 


glove every ti 


E 
Maybe a master vibist should 


play the vibes a little more, but 
there's no denying the all-round 
creativity and energy of the 
Roy Ayers Ubiquity on Every- 
body Loves the Sunshine (Polydor) 
The group has been honing an 
original jazz-rock style over the 
space of several albums and it 
comes on like a monster here 
There's a lot of nice group 
vocalizing in an easy jazz vein 
(the title tune, The Third Eye, 
Gino Vannellis Keep On Walking), with 
pretty electric sounds in the background. 
Elsewhere, the material becomes more dis- 
co (Hey Uh—What You Say Come On) 
and deep funk (Tongue Power); Lone- 
some Cowboy is an infectious rhythm tune 
with a lot of clowning around (Roy Ayers 
doing Jimmy Stewart? Well, why not 


Help, help us Rhonda. What are we 
supposed to do with fifteen Big Ones 


MUSIC 


Oh, Yeah? Socket to me. 


"Hammer, on almost every 
kind of keyboard, plays 
as if he had a dozen 
fingers on each hand." 


Crass reunion. 

(Warner Bros)? We've been true to our 
school. Nobody loves the Beach Boys more 
than we do. We were going to the concerts 
before it was hip; and we were among the 
six people who bought their Holland al- 
bum when it came out, And so, with the 
big push on to make Fifteen Big Ones a 
comeback album of sorts, it's no fun, fun, 
fun to find that it’s . . . kinda lame. More 
than half the tacks are golden oldies, 
and first time through it’s a treat to hear 


the Beach Boys’ version. It takes a 
couple of listens to hear that even at their 
best—on Rock and Roll Music, say— 
they're a little soft, that close as they are, 
they don't quite have the pure edge and 
energy of the originals; and at the more 
unfortunate. end, Dennis Wilson's lead 
vocal on In the Still of the Night 
ild have been recorded during 
unproductive struggle on a 
toilet 

And, as any Beach Boys fanat- 
ic can tell you, great as much of their 
original music is, you have to put up 
with a certain amount of California Dumb 
if you're going to love them. So too t 
for us that the rest of this album—except 
for Susie Cincinnati, which is the only hit 
here—is a showcase for that particular fea 
ture of the Beach Boys. Trac 
of rock back to, yes, the Gregorian chant 
probably has a certain screwy charm, but 
closing one side with a singing commer- 
cial for Maharishi-style Transcendental 
Meditation we actively resent. If we want 
commercials with our music, we'll liste: 
to the radio—where at least we don't have 
to pay for them. (Actually, TM Song 
would be terrific on television. They 
could dress the Maharishi in a white suit 
stand behind him singing it. and at the 
end he could grin and say, “It’s brain. 
lickin’ good!") 

If you want to help along the 
Beach Boys comeback—and 
you should—buy a copy of Hol 
land. It's their best album in 
the past four years or so, and 
California Saga, which is the 
only rock trilogy we know 
with lyrics about Steinbeck 
and poetry by Randall Jarrell, 
is itself worth the price. 


g the history 


. 
“Feelings” / Mih Jackson & 
Strings (Pablo) gives evidence 
that the nonpareil vibist h; 
cause to 
the Modern Jazz Quartet. He's 
doing very well, thank you, in a 
variety of surroundings. This 
tin 
behind him to turn Arthur 
Fiedler green with envy. He 
also has such esteemed sidemen 
as bassist Ray Brown, pi 
Tommy Fla 


mourn the pasing 


he's got enough fiddles 


nist 


an and flutists Hubert 
Laws and Jerome Richardson. Several of 
the numbers have a Brazilian bent, which 
is right up Bags’ mallets; the rest is a mix 
ture of blues and ballads, all of it arranged 
and conducted by Jimmy Jones, who is 
no slouch. Jackson is in fine fettle 
throughout, and who could ask for more? 
. 

Mardi Gras moming down in New 

Orleans and the tribes are on the 


Today's True, lower than ever in tar. 
And a taste worth changing to. Think about it. 


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42 


street. Costumed in fantasies of feathers 
and beads d brocades t ke La 
Belle look like a Salvati Army band. 
the “Indians” of the city fight it out with 
song and show, Until quite recently, the 
tribes used somewhat more seri 


TD 


us weap 
ons in their fights. They were once street 


gangs, each with its own turf to protect 
amd their battles were running border 
disputes fought with knives instead of 
drums and feathers. The gang members 
are men of mixed Indian and black 


ancestry organized into elaborate hier 


archies. The great creation of the tribes 
is second-line music. a sound that—like 
jazz—originally provided the accompani 
ment for funeral processions. The family 
of the deceased formed the first line of 
the parade 
in the second line 


nd behind them came friends 


The music of the second line is now 
ng record called The Wild 
Tehovpitovlos (Island). featuring the newest 


on an eng 


of the city’s tribes. The Wild ‘Tehoupi 
toulas (pronounced chap-itoula) were 
nived by Big Chief Jolly George 
Landry in 1974. La 
tribal competition who peopled his own 
gang with the best he could find in the 
other tribes. 

With the help of some professional 
backing in the studio, the Tchoupitoulas 
perform in a style that mixes the call 
and response patterns of North Amer 
ican black music with the syneopa 
tions of the Caribbean. Sometimes they 


lry was a veteran of 


remind us of reggae, sometimes of ca 
lypso, but mostly they remind us only of 
themselves. Their rhythms could pro 
duce a shimmy in an arthritic archbishop 
ze that the rich racial 
gumbo of New Orleans is as savory as 


IV's exciting to rea 


ever 
. 

Everybody knows Porgy and Bess, at 
least in outline or through its famous 
but nobody knows the complete 
In fact, Genhwin’s jazzy French 
impresionist style has always made it hard 
to interpret as an opera: but such it is 
and a brilliant one, at that. In his notes 
to a new, uncut, world-premiere London 
recording with the Cleveland Orchestra 
and Chorus, Lorin Maazel compares 
Gershwin’s powers to those of Verdi 
Mozart, Moussorgsky and Bellini. “Porgy 
and Bess is an opera. It is not an oper 
ena, a musical comedy, nor is it a jazz 
drama, black blues or presoul. We per 
formed and recorded it as an opera, as onc 


ope! 


worthy of the same care and devotion we 


would have accorded any operatic master 
piece.” Because it has been hacked up. 
synopsized and excerpted. we usually hear 
the work as a suite, But this magnificent 
recording now makes it clear that Gersh 
win was more than a pop songwriter of 
genius. Porgy and Bess is a highly sub 
jective, stylized, “operatic” view of black 
culture, conveyed with dramatic flow and 
acters 
Catfish 


tension through deeply etched chi 
and a powerful plot. ‘The scene, 


Row, is a Charleston, South Carolina, 
waterfront slum; the people are, for the 
most part, simple and rural; the bad guys 
are inevitably tainted with the diseases of 


the city. Gershwin’s sophisticated music 


catches and blends these elements. in a 
highly charged thematic atmosphere. Even 
the celebrations are undercut with minor 
key rumblings and references to tragedy 
pain and the toil of daily work. Musically 
the chorus controls and comments on the 


action Greek style, and the dialogs and 
recitatives are beautifully punctuated by 
rhythmicharmonic fills; eg, the accone 
from 
Porgy would be redundant, but what most 


crap game. Listing the great song 


of us haven't heard before is their con. 
text, their dramatic appropriateness. This 
lly offers, with su 
perlative singing from Willard White, 
Leona Mitchell, McHenry Boatwright and 
others. It was worth waiting 40 years 
for this. 


Maazel's recording fit 


The Meters, a masterful funk/soul 
group from New Orleans, who've been 
praised in these pages before, do more 
singing than is their wont on Trick Bag (Re 
prise)—and they sound just great. Not 
only that but they've got a whole new 
rock'n'roll feeling. They do rock tunes 
Honky Tonk Women (having toured 
with the Stones, they ought to know it) 
the title tune, a fine bluesrocker by Earl 


who writes nothing but; and James 


Taylor's Suite for 20G, which gets a sen 
sitive instrumental reading. Their own 
Mister Moon sounds like some of the 
voodoo tunes they cut behind Dr. John 
(another heavy with whom they've toured). 
The only thing we could have donc 
without is Disco Is the Thing Today; 
there’s enough disco around without the 
Meters’ adding to the genre. Also, they 
don't always stick to their smallcombo 
sound; there are strings in a few places, 


tastefully added, but strings, nonetheless. 


Of course, in these days of the ailing back 
beat, it's wrong to quibble when you get 
some rock that’s more virile than viral 

. 

On the back cover of Whistling Down the 
Wire (ABC), Graham Nash looks straight 
ahead while David Crosby turns his face 
to the wall. Were they posed by a song 
writer? Mutiny and Marguerita, salty in 
different ways, come from the Nash note- 
pad, as do the plucky Spotlight and J. B.'s 
Blues. But Crosby can turn around, now 
that the record's been pressed: his Foolish 


Man steals the album when he belts out 
the title line. Aided by the ace Wind on 
the Water sessionjtour band and Eagle 
guitarist David Lindley, the Crosby-Nash 
harmonies a 


n produce emotions great 
er than the sums of their words and music 
. 
ge White Band 
lyric longer than “Cut the cake.” Sout 
Searching (Atlantic) continues the A.W.B. 
way, repeating catch phrases until they 


Quick, sing an Aver 


become musical mantras. So what if the 


“Dear 
American Tourister: 


I make a good 
impression before I 


n 
even open my mouth: 
Richard loftin Washington, DC. 


Attaches 


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PLAYBOY 


44 


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e hima tie 
or Early Times?" 


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Erza uam eae nan ant 
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WHEN YOUR TEAM IS ON THE 
TWO-YARD LINE, YOU SHOULDN'T 
BE IN THE CONCESSION LINE. 


‘The best seats in the stadium won't do * 
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title list could be the lyric sheet and some 
songs sound like tape loops? "The formu- 
la works and the Whities (with half-black 
drummer Steve Ferrone and an assist 
from the Brecker Brothers) conjure up a 
fog bank’s worth of images. Sce if A 
Love of Your Own doesn't suggest a 
tuxedoed gentleman standing on a New 
York penthouse patio, alone. 
. 

Blow Fly Disco (Weird World) presents 
songwriter-producer-singer Clarence Reid 
of Florida’s TK Records as the Redd 
Foxx of the bump. The Anonymous 
Reid ravages Esther Phillips, Harold Mel 
vin, Frankie Valli and other unwitting 
victims of porno soul. Sample cuts: What 
a Difference a Lay Makes, Bad Fuck 
Spread Your Cheeks. Gross, but you can 
dance to it 


. 

For whatever reason, Hampton Hawes's 
The Challenge (RCA), recorded in Japan in 
1968, didn't make it to vinyl till now. 
Puzzling, since th 
with. only his ideas for support—is very 
good. It would appear to be the only solo 
album he has done and, judging by the 
results, that, too, is puzzling, since he 
seems to need 
at all. Hawes has had a lot of shit come 
down in his life and you can hear the 
melancholy-tinged tenderness threading 
its way through such ballads as What's 
New and Who Can I Turn To. But for 
archetypes of what Hawes cin do with a 
piano, we recommend the opening track 
Tokyo Blues, and Bag's Groove; they're 
really marvelous. 


lbum—pianist Hawes 


thm accompaniment not 


. 

Of late, there has been more than a 
touch of tension in the relationship be 
tween the U.S, and Canada (economic 
imperialism, the draft, the Olympics) 
Happily, altoist Paul Desmond has had 
no such problem. He and the threc 
Canadians (guitarist Ed Bickert, bassist 
Don Thompson and drummer Jerry Full 
er) who make up his quartet are banded 
together in splendid harmony on The Paul 
Desmond Quartet Live (Horizon). Live means 
Bourbon Street, a Toronto night club; it 
also means two LPs loaded with "up" per 


formances. Desmond's tone is as crystal 
line as ever and his choice of material 
faultless—IVave, Things Ain't What 
hey Used to Be, Here's That Rainy Day 
and a handful of other equally attractive 
tunes are served up with elegant simplic 
ity. We think we've mentioned bet 
that Bickert is a wonderful guitarist. He's 
given us no reason to change our mind. 
" 

One of the more pleasurable aspects of 
listening to reggae is that, because of the 
benign neglect of Jamaican music by 
U.S. record companies over the past 
decade, "new" discoveries like Bob Mar: 
ley and Toots Hibbert are actually 
seasoned artists at the peak of their 
powers. The same is true with The Hep- 
tones, whose first U. S. album, Night Food 


A cut here...a cut there. Not for me, baby. 


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on MCA Records. 


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PLAYBOY 


46 


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(Island), amply illustrates why they've 
been one of Ja 
vocal groups for years. Adapting the 


s most popular 


sweet street-corner harmonizing of Fifties 
ind Sixties R&B to their own material 
the Heptones alternately sing about 
urban poverty, the erotic possibilities of 
very fat girls and the humorous /scary 
antics of country boys in the big city 

with wit, passion and grace, climaxing 
with a powerful version of The Four 
aby I Need Your Loving. Not 


bad for a bunch of newcomers. 


Tops’ 


SHORT CUTS 
James Brown /Get Up Offa Thot Thing 
(Polydor): The greatest beat in the world 


and it goes on forever. Guaranteed to 


cure impotence and constipation 
Harold Alexander / Raw Root (Atlantic) 
An accomplished flutist offers a gimmick 
free album of funk-jazz that really gets 
to the nitty-gritty 
Ira Sullivan (Horizon): A fine Chicago 
jazz trumpeter who buried himself in 


Florida years ago resurfaces as a reed man 
(soprano, tenor, flute) of considerable 
dimension, Tasteful stuff 

Osamu Kitajama / Benzaiten — (Antilles) 
Traditional Japanese music and instru 
ments meet rock "n' roll? Yep, and it's a 
lot more successful than you'd ever expect 

Grant Green / The Main Attraction (Kudu 
Green, a guitarist with straightforward 
notions of what his instrument is all 
about, works out with some of the best 
jazz-rock people around 

New Birth / Love Potion (Warner Bros. 


A I2-member soul/rock group th 
everything. Not quite as exciting as 


watching childbirth. but neater 
The L A. 4 (Concord Jazz): Eclectic 
sounds (compositions by Dizzy Gillespie 
and C. P. E. Bach, for example) by four 
old friends—Laurindo Almeida, Ray 
Brown, Shelly Manne and Bud Shank 
Margie Joseph / Hear the Words, Feel the 
Feeling (Cotillion): A good soul singer 
en around a while but without 


who's | 
the "right" sound, gets it from producer 
Lamont Dozier 

Faith, Hope & Charity / Life Goes On (RCA 


Understated disco that threatens to tran 


scend but gets bogged down in some 
cloying material on side two. 

Barbaro Carroll (Blue Note): Exemplary 
pianist Carroll never played better. Per 
haps it’s due to the company she's keep 
ing—bassist Chuck Domanico, drummer 
Colin Bailey, percussionist Victor Feld 


man and guitarist Dennis Budimir 

Happiness Is Being with the Spinners (M 
lantic): Backed by MFSB, they're about 
the best since Rumpelstiltskin—and a lot 
more sophisticated 

Gary Burton Quintet / Dreams So Real 
(ECM): Haunting music by Carla Bley 
recorded in Germany, that will stay with 
you long after you've turned off the 


machine. 


-— 


To everyone who longs 
to soar free, we dedicate 
the wide-open sports car: 


MGB. 


~ 
[ 


You tlip the top down, 


NNI on. : 
h ev-up the engine, watch x 
the tach rise, and then move out, anywhere, just ^ 
for the fun of it- That's part of the feeling you get 
inthe wide-open sports car: MGB. And it's more. 
than just fun, It's the excitement that comes only 
from driving a lean, athletic winner.of a motorcar. 
MGB holds the national SCCA Championship in 
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the beautifully-balanced feel, the thought-quick 
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It's all solidly founded on a race-proven sus- 
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for something. MGB is that kind of car, [s 
wide-open and waiting. For the name 
of the dealer nearest you, call these 
numbers toll-free: (800) 447-4700, or, 
in Illinois, (800) 322-4400. LEYLAND} 
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What Dual owners 


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> 


DINING & DRINKING 


en before Le Per- 
roquet opened 


in late 1972, Chi 


cago's gourmet 
drumbeaters were 
touting it as Trois- 
gros West. Jovan 


Trboyevic (the 
owner of another 
highly re 
local dinin 
Jovan's) promised 
his fans a "no-non 
sense restaurant" 
that delivered cui. 
sine that was truly 
haute, not a flash 
in-the-pan. pyro- 
technic display or 
a variation on the 
old baked-onion- 
soup game. Well, 
the place is now 
firmly established 
and, while Le Per 
roquet can be a 
little — stiff-necked 


arded 
spot 


Happy Birthday, 
please), it provides 
an exceptional 
dining experience, 

Anonymously 
housed on the 
third floor of 70 East Walton, just a 
wallet's toss from the glitter and swank 


of upper Michigan Avenue, Le Perroquet 
is reached by a tiny antique elevator 
that’s not unlike the kind you may have 
struggled with on the Left Bank. A bot- 
ue of Mountain Valley spring water is 
brought to your table the moment you're 
seated (Perrier is available upon request) 
dainty hors d'oeuvres arrive with cock 
tails; salad is presented before or after 
the entree, as you prefer. 

Le Perroquet offers a standard menu, 
plus seasonal delicacies (fresh venison 
for example, or Royal Canadian Mal. 
pacque oysters) and daily specials, 


the latter chosen on the basis of what's 
freshest at the market that day. A smat 
tering of la nouvelle cuisine, the low 
calorie, starchless style of cooking 
recently developed by a young ex-påtis 
sier, Michel Guérard, is offered as an 
alternative to the richer, classic French 
dishes. Perhaps because la nouvelle cui 
sine, or la cuisine minceur, as Guérard 
calls it, requires intricate. preparation 
Jovan intimates that he, rather th: 

chels, pushes it. A noon visit found only 


one nouvelle dish, 


superb vegetable 
mousse, available. More appear on the 
dinner menu: Striped bass in a vege 
table sauce and broiled breast of 


duck in a vegetable sauce are two 


"While Le Perroquet can be 
at times (no yahoo a little stiff-necked at times ing an incompa 
renditions of (no yahoo renditions of Happy rable sensation to 
Birthday, please), it provides an 
exceptional dining experience.” 


frequent. nouvelle 
offerings. The lat 
ter is served with 
tiny zucchini, tur 
nips and carrots 
glazed with butter 
in a purée of peas 
Perroquet's 
u is table 
MI but two 
of the 14 dinner 
appetizers— plus 


whatever's on the 
daily special—are 
included in the 
prix fixe of $19.50 
per person; the 
two exceptions are 
caviar m 1 
($12) and La 
Truffe du Périgord 
en Feuilletage 
($6). The latter is 
ist's Holy 
Grail, the smoky 


a hede 


exotic subtlety of 
the trufle bring: 


the taste buds 
Entrees include 
Le Carré d' Agneau 
Poélé (baby lamb 
roasted and served 
with herbs) Do 
dine de Pigeon (surprisingly tasty, if you 
fancy this fowl) and Le Ganeton Roti 
Maison (delicious house duck for two! 


hould 


Le Perroquet’s wine cella 
please all but the most demandi 
phile; the vintages, although not of great 
ire well chosen and offer some ex 
cellent values. A Lascombes ‘71, for ex 
ample, is priced at $18, a "67 at 530. Le 
Perroquet’s sommelier decants all red 


wines over a candle, Unfortunately, on 


one visit, a 1972 Musigny Blanc was sub 
stituted for the 1971 we had ordered 
the correct bottle was produced after the 
error was pointed out. This sort of thing 
shouldn't happen in a restaurant of Le 
Perroquet’s caliber. We prefer to believe 
the faux pas was accidental; however, we 
were momentarily tempted to fill the 
sommelier's tastevin with red dye number 
two and see if the fellow could distinguis! 
it from a vintage claret 

Such occasional lapses aside, Le Per 
roquet is one of the country’s finest 
restaurants. It is open for lunch (59.50 
prix fixe) Monday through Friday from 
noon to 3 P.M; dinner seatings Mon 
day through Saturday are from 6 to 10 
pat, Coat, tie and reservations (312.944 
7990) are imperative; American Express 
and Diners Club credit cards are accepted 


Aramis Inc.: 
Aramis, Aramis 900, 
Herbal & Chromatics. 


50 


SELECTED SHORTS 


insights and outcries on matters large and small 


THE FOUR- 
HUNDRED- 
BILLION-DOLLAIR 
RIP-OFF 


By Jim Davidson 


IN ONE OF ms gloomier moods, Georg 
Washington doubted that America would 
make it. He thought that the Government 
pension burden arising from the Revolu- 
y War might “add a debt of such 
magnitude as to sink the colonies.” 
Thankfully, George was wrong, On 
April 25, 1911, the last Revolutionary 
War pensioner, the daughter of 
a veteran, died at the age of 90 
in Brookfield, New Yor The 
books were finally closed on a war 
that had ended 128 years earli 
We survived the Revolutionary 
War pensions; but we might be 
less lucky when it comes to sur- 
viving the current Government- 
nsions burdens. 
The unfunded liabilities of 
more than 60 Federal pension 
plans total more than 499 billion 
dollars. And they are increasing 
daily. Every time the cost of 
living jumps, the Governme 
pension debis increase that 
much—and more. That is because 
Congress built an inflation esc 
lator into all Government pe 
ns, including its own, then for 
good measure threw in a one pe 
cent “add-on” to make up for the 
delay between the time you start 
paying more for meat and the 
day your pension check increases. 
The inflation rate—also called 
the cost-of-living index—is cal. 
culated monthly by the Depart- 
ments of Labor and Agriculture, 
At an average annual inflation 
rate of 12 percent, this inflation- 
plusone escalator would add 
more than one trillion dollars to 
Government. pension. obligations 
in the next 15 years. That would 
grant Government retirees 
startling 389 billion dollars 
profits from inflation, according 
sto Robert. Myers, former chi 
actuary for the Social Security 
Administration. This is all thanks 
to the cavalier arithmetic of Mor- 
ris Udall and other sponsors of 
Public Law 91-93, who forgot all 
about what bankers call "the 


magic of compound interest." (As we 
went to press, Congress was about to 
vote on the one percent add-on. If it's 
dropped, the accumulation will be less 
but not much less.) 

A fellow like Udall could realize a tidy 
return on the laws he helped sponsor. If 
he retired today, he would get an immedi 
e pension of $20,520 annually, And 
that is only the beginning. If his col 
leagues continue to vote for increased 
Government spending and greater deficits, 
and if he lives as long as the life-insurance 
tables say he should, Udall could end up 
collecting $336,402 annually (that is, 
,033 per month). 

One former Congressman, Hastings 
Keith of Massachusetts, admitted that his 
pension could reach $17,000 per month 
if he lived to the age of 75. More than 50 


Congressmen opted for unforced retire 
ment this year, perhaps because the money 
to be made doing nothing was too tempt 
ing to resist. All told, any 290 of our con 
temporary politicians stand to receive 
more in pension benefits than was col 
lected by all 290,000 Revolutionary W 
veterans, their widows, orphans and de 
pendents. 

The lavish benefits that the politicians 
have voted for themselves are matched 
only by the lavish benefits that they have 
voted for other Government employees 
a group that now outnumbers the entire 
population of Australia. Millions of 
these persons can normally retire at the 
ge of 55 with a nearly full pension 
(And they can begin to qualify for a re 
duced pension with only five years of 
work.) After 20 years, those in the military 


and some in local governments can call 
it quits and draw a pension equal to 
50 percent of their base pay—even at 
the tender age of 38. Their pensions can 
give them as much as three or four times 
what they received while actually on the 
job. For example, policemen and firemen 
in Washington, D.C., who retired in 1974 
can expect to draw $699,000 in pensions 
after earning less than $200,000 while 
kin 

Because of early retirement, many 
ernment employees have the spare time 
to qualify for additional Government 
checks—a practice known as “double 
dipping.” For example, more than 100,000 
persons who are receiving military ret 
ment pay have gone back on the Govern- 
ment payroll to dip again. Among the 
double dippers are Barry Goldwater, Carl 
Albert, Al UN- 
man, Hugh Scott 
and dozens of 
other Congress- 
men, 

Unfortunately, 
the double dip- 
ping is not con- 
fined to such ex- 
clusive company, 
nor is it limited to 
those retiring from 
the military. 
Federal retireesare 
About half of all 
now dipping into 
Social Security as 
well. 

These double 
dippers are the 
ones for 
Social Se- 
curity represents a 
sure pay-out. For 
one thing, they pay 


we 


only 
whom 


much less into the 
system, Social Se- 
curity taxes are 


not normally de- 
ducted from their 
Government sala- 
ries—salaries that 
age 45 percent 
higher than those 
in private life. But 
the bureaucrats 
can qualify for So- 
cial Security bene- 
fts anyway. A 
quirk in the 
enables them to 
take advantage of 
provisions that 
were supposed to 
benefit low-income 
workers. By taking 


lowly paid second jobs, the bureaucrats 
» pay the minimum amount of payroll 
taxes needed to qualify for a Social Secu- 
rity pension. Because the Social Security 
benefits are distorted to pay more to 
those who contribute less, the double 
dippers often end up with a higher per- 
centage of return from the money they've 
put into their second pension than some 
persons who have paid payroll taxes for 
their entire working lives. And the addi- 
tional Social Security money is tax-free. 

Many retirees display a special ingenu- 

ity by collecting checks under three sepa- 
r ment programs: 
military, civil service and Social Security 
This makes them triple dippers. Some- 
where, there are undoubtedly quintuple 
dippers. Federal judges who receive 
$42,000 for life, plus civil-service retire 
ment pay, plus military retirement pay, 
plus Social Security, plus something 
else. And who knows? There may be 
sextuple dippers. 
It is possible right now for those suf- 
ficiently expert at dipping into the 
Government till to scoop out $75,000 
per year or more. Within a few yea 
some will be drawing bundreds of thou- 
sands annually for doing nothing. And if 
the pension laws that make these rip-offs 
possible are not repealed, the day will come 
when politicians can become millionaires 
simply by serving ten years in Congress 
and then retiring to watch their over 
adjusted pension checks go up, up. up. 

If that day comes, and any of G 
III's descendants are still around, they 
might wonder what the big fuss in 1776 
was all about, After all, if Americans were 
destined to support a class of political 
rentiers anyway, it might better have been 
the royal family. It is far smaller and thus 
more easily kept. And, besides, without 
the Revolution, we never would have had 
to pay pensions to all those silly patriots. 


€ Government. retir 


rge 


Jim Davidson is a free-lance writer who 
collects a jree-lance pension. 


THE MYTH OF 
THE PENILE 
ORGASM 


By Jules Siegel 


ouen IT HAS recently become fash- 
ble to use the word orgasm to d 
scribe the male climax, many women and 
men seem to believe that women expe- 
rience a great variety of orgasms but men 
always have that same old squirt. 


ALT 
ion: 


Gentlemen—oops, gentlepersons (gen- 
tlcones?)—comrades, whatever, it is a 
myth. Y have checked around and found 
out that some men seem to be having 
different kinds of orgasms but have been 
afraid to talk about them for fear of 
being arrested and/or fired. They claim 
that there is one where you go splat, 
shudder briefly and feel nothing and lie 
awake staring at the ceiling, wishing she 
would go home so that you can mastur- 
bate. And there is one where the blood 
runs out of your ears and you scream 
and ery for it to be over. 

Between these two extremes lies an in- 
finite scale of others, they assert. Accord- 
ing to this school of thought, the male 
climax is just as complex as the fema 
climax, bur the language to describ 
does not exist. These people think th 
we should create one, either by adapting 
it from females or by making it up like 
Esperanto or Fortran. We already have 
the example of women's speaking ol 
jerking themselves off. J. Nebraska Gif- 
ford suggests that women need a synonym 
for hard-on and suggests “wide-on.” I 
think “weton” might be more evocative 
but truly believe that before embarking 
on any such vast endeavor, we ought to 
try to sce if men really do have anything 
to talk about. If so, will they be allowed 
to talk about it? Will they want to? 

‘There seems to be a ban on discussion 
of this subject in the media and related 
literature. The coverage of the female 
orgasm rivals that of Watergate. Noth 
ing much is to be found about men. Is 
that because women feel more than men 
or because they talk more? Who enjoys 
—the man or the woman? The 
»reek. myths. 


sex mor 
argument is not new, The 
record that when Hera reproached Zeus 
for fucking around, he replied that he 
did it more than she did because men 
enjoy sex less than women 

“What a bunch of bullshit!" Hera ex 
claimed. “It’s the other way around. Men 
get a bigger blast than women.” 

To settle this dispute, they summoned 
the blind seer Tiresias. He had been 
caught peeping at Athena in her bath. 
She put her hands over his eyes and 
blinded him but later relented and gave 
him the ability to sce the future. He was 
n and be- 
ed whore. After seven 
years of indulging himself in every sen- 
sual pleasure, he was turned back into a 
man. Thus, he was presumed expert to 
answer the question, having been both 
sexes. 

"On a scale of te 


turned into a beautiful woma 
came a celek 


* the sage advised, 


51 


the ladie nine; the men, 


Thus began the myth of the penile 

m. Modern scientific research tends 
to cast doubt on it. The evidence is be 
ginn a ate that men and 
wom Mike than different 
sexually. Anatomically, the development 


of the sexual organs is seen to be very 


PLAYBOY 


similar once you realize that a penis is a 
vagina turned inside out. Masters and 
Johnson t at pains to discriminate 
between the objective physical char 
istics of the male and female 
found them to be almost ide 
men and women come in spui 
onds apart, for example. In male am 
female alike, masturbation provides the 
most intense climaxes. 
Be that as it may, let us suppose that 
it is, indeed, confirmed that these reports 
of nonpenile male ms are not mere 
lid or widespread. How, then, can a 
tell if her man is hav 
t can she do to help him achieve 
them? How can she be sure that her man 
is not just ejaculating but coming? 1 
leave it to the learned counsel of 
experts to. provide the answers to these 
s. I am concerned more with the 
the discussion than with the cc 
nt. It all seems so shrill and upti, 
and cranky. Is it proper to argue al 
ecstasy? Maybe we think that by talking 
about it we can get a handle on it am 
control it. 1 would that m 
off the orgasm and examine 
the context instead. What do men » 
I think t nt the thir 
women w rtesy. | 
and flowers: above all, tenderne 
Sand, probably the w 
ated woman, “There 


A man and a woma 


DINO AT DINNER. ' Supa rp 


retion with which our mi 


Style isn't anything you can practice. filled 
It's something you're born with. It is all kind of a burned-bacon argu 

^ Like Dino. Very long, very thin, ment. As a friend of mine put it, we 

g very elegont. not argui ibout. the n but 


someth ike whether or not will 


Wherevetyod | let you come in her h. E think that 
smoke Dino tien X maybe she won't let you come in 
people youre a LIT mouth because she's tired of your 
man with a style of E cizing her bacon. Ultimately 
yourown. ) forced to conclude that it is ma 

d fall back upon the most shameful 


To which 1 
And if t 


means surrende the idea (t 


letter word of all, lo: 


| DINO 
BY GOLD LADEL 


amen. Let there be love 


American men are most 
whipped in the world, I say, terrific 


me with it! 


an 


myths 


zT youre 


about to Es your die Ae 


you're probably considering a compact 
Partly because you don't know beans about 
stereos, and partly because what little you 


know is mat 


ched only by how little you 


want to spend. So we told our engineers 


to makean 
beginners w| 
price that will 
is: the EX-2K 


ew compact that gives the 
at the experts ask for. At a 
make everyone happy. Here it 


First, the turntable. Ours is single play, 


a feature pro! 


fessionals have always asked 


for It allows a lower tracking force (a con- 
sistent light pressure on records) for less 
wear and tear. Its platter is made of cast 


aluminum wil 
performance. 

Under tl 
thing called a 


th balanced weight for better 


at turntable weve put some- 
DCservo-controlled motor for 


speed accuracy (found only on the more 
expensive turntables) with belt drive for 
quieter operation. 

The EX-2K is iy automatic. You can 


even push a 


button for the number of times 


you us to nos a enl Aud ify you 
don't want to start that record from the 
beginning, you push another button for 
automatic cuing. 

When you get tired of listening to 
records, you can tinker with its built-in 
stereo cassette player/recorder. Or its 
FM/AM/FM stereo tuner which has phased- 
locked loop circuitry for better stereo 
separation with less distortion 

Every component, as well as the 
chassis, is made by Sony, so you know 
everything is completely up to our high 
standards. 

You've heard what goes into the 
EX-2K, wait till you hear what comes out 
of it. The famous Sony sound, coming to 
you through our new advanced design 
Sensi-Bass speakers. They give a rich 
bass sound you'd never expect to hear 
from speakers this size. 

Now instead of looking at your first 
stereo and thinking “It'll do”...you'll look 
at your first stereo and think "Wow!" 


BUY YOUR SECOND STEREO FIRST. 


THE © SERIES 
“IT’S A SONY.” 


PLAYBOY 


54 


A standard 
overhead cam engine. 


A standard 
front 


rack-and-pinion steering. 


Standard 


Standard power-assisted 
front-wheel disc brakes. 


Standard 
rustproofing. 


A standard 


r window defroster 


Standard 
courtesy lights. 


Standard 
radial tires. 


Standard 
side molding trim. 


A standard _ 
4-speed transmission. 


There isn't much 
you have to add to the car. 


So there isn't much . 
you have to add to the price. 


There wasa time not too long 
ago when almost any car you could 
buycamewithan incredible amount 
of standard equipment. 

Unfortunately, this is no longer 
theca 

We've entered the era of the 
stripped car Where almost nothing 
comes standard. And where most 
people simply expect to have to 
add hundreds of dollars in options 
to the car they buy. 


Car rental, lez 


At Fiat, instead of offering 
you the typical list of options, we 
offer you a simple alternative. 

TheFiat 128 Custom. 

It comes standard with a lot 
of things that many cars only offer 
as extras. Like tinted glass and 
radial tires. And it comes standard 
with other things that many cars 
don't offer at all. Like an overhead 
cam engine. And front-wheel disc 
brakes. In short, for about $3,222 


we've tried to include everything 
on the 128 Custom but the usual 
taxes, delivery charge and dealer 
preparation. 

Which means that the low 
sticker price that brings you in to 
look at a Fiat can actually be the 
low price that you drive one out for. 


PF] I /A/T | 


A lot ofcar. Not a lot of money. 


ng, and overseas delivery arranged through your participating dealer 


THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 


INlo acuti. you've heard of Pavlovs fa 
mous experiment with dogs, in which he 
taught his pets to salivate at the sound of 
a bell. I wonder: Has the experiment ever 
ed with humans? The sex- 
ual applications are particularly intri- 
guing. I figure that if you struck a gong 
every time you engaged in foreplay, the 
woman would come to associate the bell 
with lovemaking. Eventually, the bell it- 
self would be sufficient to excite her. She 


been duplic 


would then be ready for sex without fur- 
—P. S., Scaltle, 


ther ado. What do you say 
Washin 


We can see it now. 


Dinner. A post 
4 Cuban cigar. And 
then, when the moment is ripe 


prandial liqueur. 
reaching 
velvet bell cord. Your 
notion is theoretically possible but im 

probable 


woman is somewhat more 


over to Iug on a 


As we've mentioned before, a 

complicated 
than a psychologists best friend. She 
might associate the bell with anticipation, 
but her response would be conditioned by 
the memories of the lovemaking—if it has 
good, she will be ready for more, 
with or without the gong, If not, forget 
it. She'll write you off as a dingbat with 
a bell fetish. Of course, we don't want to 
di 
can find a volunteer, then, by all means, 
careful, though. You may 
you may not be the 


been 


you [rom further research. If you 


carry on, Be 


create a monster (ie 
only person to play her chimes. Perhaps 
heard that the 


ove postman always 
rings twice?) In Arthur Koestler's “The 
ige of Longing,” a Russian student of 
Pavlov's made a practice of pressing his 
Dnerican lady[riend's. lejt nipple with 


his vight thumb and saying, "Now!" each 


time she had an orgasm while they were 


making 
her that there was no such thing as free 
will, he did this to her while both of 
them were fully clothed. She had the or 


e. Eventually, just to prove to 


gusm but renounced her Russian lover on 


wounds of galloping insensitivit 


B know that one should always dress well 
for a job interview, but what about after 
ward? Over the past few years 
codes in the business world have relaxed. 


dress 
The standards seem to be undefined 

good taste" or in "appropriate 
doesn't really tell you what is 


Dress in 
attire” 
acceptable to your new boss, And some: 
thing tells me that a job applicant should 
not ask his prospective employer how to 
dress. What are the best ways of dealing 
with wardrobes on Wall Strect?—D. K., 
New York, New York. 

4 recent survey of metropolitan busi- 


ness firms revealed that the majority (78 
percent) have some form of dress code— 
either written or unwritten, The situation 


is ambiguous: Your boss may not know 
fashion, but he knows what he likes. A 
simple way to gauge an environment is to 
check out what the office staff is weaving 
Are jackets required or does the staf] work 
in shirt sleeves and ties? Imitation may not 
be the sincerest form of flattery, but it's 
the only one that works. If you're looking 
for tips on what to wear, check out the 
people in charge. It’s a common axiom 
of the business world that if you dress like 
an executive, you'll be treated like one 
John Molloy, author of “Dress for Suc 
cess,” states, "You should dress for the job 


you want to get rather than for the job 
Of course, if you want Elton 
John's job and you're working on Wall 
Street, ignore this advice 


you have.” 


Something has been bothering me for 
a very long time. I'm ashamed to ask 
bout my problem, which is this 
nd every time I disengage from my 
woman, my semen gushes out and soaks 
our love bed. We find it very uncomfort 
able to sleep in such pools, Is it normal 
that most of my sperm ends up in our 
laundry?—]. S., Montreal Quebec 

The phenomenon you describe is com- 


pletely natural and not uncommon. One 
of our researchers recently discovered a 
graffito in a ladies’ vest room that indi 
cates others share your predicament: “If 
he's so liberated, how come he doesn't 
sleep on the wet spot?” Beneath that, 
someone else had written, “If he was 
really liberated, there wouldn't be a wet 
Spot. He would lick the plate clean.” It is 
an unfortunate aspect of 


American up- 
bringing that what was glorious during 
intercourse is viewed as a mess a few 


moments later. Once you accept your 
bodily functions, the problem disappears 
There's nothing to be ashamed of. A 
towel at the bedside or underneath your 
partner might be appreciated, if she does 
not want to get out of bed after making 
love. (Some folks suggest a warm wash 
cloth.) Condoms would contain the source 
of the discomfort, Other alternatives; Do 
it somewhere else—on the floor, in the 
road, wherever—or do it several times 
before you retire. The quantity of ejacu- 
late diminishes with each encore. 


Ks summer, on a trip to Mexico, 1 
became enchanted with margaritas—the 
drink made from tequila, lime juice and 
orange liqueur. Now that I'm home and 
pouring my own, I'm curious; What 
kind of triple sec should I use for the per- 
fect margarita? What are the differences, 
if any, among brands of triple seci— 
J. R., Chicago, Illinois. 

Orange liqueurs are made from brandy 


and small sweet oranges from the coast 
of South America, Originally a Dutch 
treat, the drink bore the name curacao, 
was 51 to 60 proof and cam 
of colors (yellow, orange, green, blue or 
clear). European tastes called for a higher 
proof and curacao gave birth to triple 


in a variety 


sec, a colorless S0-proo] beverage. Grand 
Marnier and Cointreau are. proprietary 
names for the most distinguished of the 
orange liqueurs, The manufacturers start 
with cognac (the best brandy) and add 
their own special ingredients. Triple sec- 
tarians shudder at the thought of drown- 
subtle taste of 
Grand Marnier in a mixed drink, and 
l[ter one margarita, no one 
can distinguish. quality and every drink 
is perfect. You should experiment, Your 
final choice may depend on economy. 


ing the Cointreau or 


we agree 


Bam a very sexy cheerleader at a high 
school in Oklahoma, I have been dating 
a member of the band, We enjoy sex 
often, especially when it is preceded by 
an erotic form of foreplay—spanking, 
We were first introduced to spanking by 
my parents, when they caught us making 
love in my bedroom one evening, They 
told us we could continue to use my bed. 
room but only if my boyfriend spanked 
my bottom, I figured that one spanking 
on my ass wouldn't make that much dif 
ference, so I agreed. My mom had me put 
my dress, bra, crotchless panties and panty 
hose back on, along with some high 
heeled shoes. Then she told me to bend 
over the bed, to raise my skirt above my 
waist and hold it there. She handed my 
friend a three-foot-long wooden pad 
dle and had him pull down my panty 
hose and panties. She looked at her watch 


55 


PLAYBOY 


56 


and told him to start spanking. Thirty 
minutes later, he stopped. My bottom was 
cherry red, had welts on d stung like 
hell But it felt good. We now enjoy 
spanking almost every time we fuck. Be- 
fore night football games, we meet in 
his car and he spanks me until I'm about 
to cry. The sting wears off pretty fast 
and I can't feel it, so then we get 
out of the car and again he spanks me— 
this time with a paddle. We both enjoy 


it so much, we would like to know how to 
prolong the sting and the redness—Miss 
H. M., Tulsa, Oklahoma 

Our resident English public school 
alumnus offers the following tips: Drill 
tiny holes in the surface of the paddle to 
decrease air resistance. A thin coating of 
water sprayed on the target also seems to 
enhance the stinging action. Break up the 
strokes into irregular patterns (one min 
ute on, two minutes off, etc.), so that the 
victim can appreciate the sti 
tion during the intervals. Also, your boy- 
friend may be using a weak grip. A quick 
visit to the local tennis pro should reveal 
the vight holds, Friction tape on the han- 
dle will help prevent twisting of the 
paddle at crucial moments. Now, about 
your parents. . . . 


Cc n you tell me anything about the 
mysterious thumbtack contest? I'm told it 
was practiced by New York gang members 
in the early Fifties —S. V., Woodbury 
Heights, New Jersey. 

So much for the vow of silence: Back 
in the good old days, it was supposed that 
a gangster could beat a polygraph test by 
pressing a thumbtack into his finger. By 
focusing on the pain, he would be able 
lo shield his anxiety at incriminating 
questions. Unfortunately, the method 
couldn't be counted on, Lie detectors are 
unreliable to begin with and the pain 
did not always produce the anticipated 
results, Wily prosecutors would look for 
the thunbtack hole and postpone the test. 
(“Whaddya mean, those are stigmata?”) 
Also, it wasn’t always easy to find a 
thumbtack in jail. And if a prosecutor 
wanted to pin a rap on you, he'd find a 
way. 


ging sensa 


Perhaps you can help. I've got what 
appears to be a common wart. Ordi- 
narily, that wouldn't upset me too much, 
except that it’s located smack dab in the 
middle of my putz. A med«student friend 
tells me that it's nothing to worry about 
and that I should just leave it alone and 
quit fucking frogs. I'm beginning to get 
self-conscious about it. Is there anything 
L. D.. Dallas, 


I can do short of surgery? 


Texas, 

Yes. First, get a new friend—we're sur 
prised any med student would give you 
such irresponsible advice, What you've 
got is a venereal wart, It's fairly common 
and is usually contracted sexually. Best 
thing to do is go to a dermatologist, who 


will do one of two things: He'll burn it 
off or treat it chemically with a substance 
called podophyllin. The first is slightly 
painful but more effective. By no means 
ignore the wart—it can spread not only 
to your bedmates but around your penis 
as well. You might save money on French 
ticklers, but the final result isn't worth it. 


B am engaged to a wonderful 28-year-old 
guy who will give me anything from soup 
to nuts, except the nuts, I am 24 and very 
much in love with him, We used to have 
sex quite often, but for the past year, we 
haven't had much, Recently, I found two 
porno movies while cleaning the house 
and asked if I could watch them. His an- 
swer was no, that they were not for me 
to watch. I felt that if he could view 
them, so could I. I have asked him to sec 
a doctor, but he says nothing is wrong 
with him. I am willing to try anythi 
but he doesn't give me the chance. I have 
even tried seducing him. What do you 
recommend?—Miss D. M. D., New York, 
New York 

What we have here is a failure to com 
municate: Your boyfriend's reluctance to 
share the films is an odd twist of the old 
double standard. It may indicate a “see 
no evil, do no evil” puritan attitude 
toward sex. Of course, he may have 
reason not to show the films: If they ave 
“Barnyard Buddies” or “My Night at the 
Y," it might explain his disinterest in reg 
ular sex. Perhaps he's the star of the films 
and just wants to avoid the spotlight. The 
situation won't improve until he opens 
up. You might suggest that both of you 
go to a counselor. There may be nothing 
“wrong” with him, but the relationship 
is suffering, and unless you both work to 
save it, it will die. Good luck. 


IME, live-in girlfriend is a phone freak 
and my monthly Ma Bell bill looks like 
Standard Oil's quarterly profit statement 
My girl is not particularly discriminating 
about who she talks to. Matter of fact. 1 
think just hanging on the phone is relax- 
ing for her. What should I do? 1 don't 
want to be unfair to her, but I want 
to keep solvent, too—J. M., Chicago 
Illinois 
Get an extension phone and talk to 
her yourself. But if she gets off only on 
long distance, get her a copy of Paul 
“Toll Free Digest,” which is 
available at newsstands for two dollars. 
In it are over 2500 toll-free "800" numbers 
that supply callers with all kinds of in 
formation. Our favorites include the Na- 
tional Academy of Medical Hypnosis 
(800-241-1121), which will direct you to 
any doctors practicing hypnosis in your 
area; Nationwide Boiler Rental (800-227 


Montana's 


1966), which will tell you more than you 
ever wanted to know about boilers and 
how to rent them; and the Jet Fleet 
Corporation (800-527-6013), which will 
help you charter an airplane or redecorate 


your old one. The directory should pro 
vide your roomie with hours of pleasant 
dialing, as well as an carful of useful 
information. Some of the best things in 
life ave toll-free. 


For years, I've heard the term love 
muscle used to describe the penis. Is 
there really a muscle involved in sex? 
If so, can it be exercised?—W. Cleve 
land, Oh 

Sex researchers have theorized that 
there is a love muscle—the pubococ 
eygeus—and that it plays an important 
part in the pleasure of both male and 
female partners. Arnold Kegel first noted 
that since an orgasm is a release from 


muscle. tension, the tone of the muscles 
involved would affect the quality of the 
orgasm. He focused on women who were 
experiencing difficulty having orgasms and 
taught them a series of exercises (now 
known as Kegel exercises). The 
learned to tighten and relax the pubococ 
cygeus (the muscle clenched to control 


men 


urination) and practiced daily. During in 


tercourse, they tensed their abdominal 
and perineal muscles to facilitate climax 
Now, doctors are looking at the role 
played by the pubococcygeus muscle in 
the male orgasm. In an article in “Medical 
Aspects of Human Sexuality,” Daniel S. 
Weiss and Dr, David B. Marcotte suggest 
that by learning to relax the pubococ 
cygeus muscle, a man can avoid pre 
mature. ejaculation. The authors. believe 
that the method is superior to the squeeze 
technique invented by Masters and John 
son, since it does not require partner 
cooperation or interruption of the love 
making. We don't know of any gyms de 
voted to the relaxation response, but two 
experiments by Raymond Rosen suggest 
the shape of things to come. Rosen hooked 
up 10 male students to a red light and 
had them listen to a recording of pornog 
raphy. The light would go on whenever 
the student got an erection and go off 
whenever he quelled the erection. Stu 
dents soon learned to go from full erection 
to half-mast at will and were better at 
doing so than those who had not been 
hooked up to the light, In a related ex 
periment, Rosen told students to try to 
increase the size of their erections—an 
orange light 


cording to siz 


ould change intensity ac 
By the end of the study, 
the students who were guided by the 
light were able to turn on at will. Rig up 


something yourself and work out 


ll reasonable questions—from fashion 
food and drink, stereo and sports cars 
to dating dilemmas, taste and etiquette— 
will be personally answered if the writer 
includes a stamped, self-addressed en 
velope. Send all letters to The 
Advisor, Playboy Building, 919 N. Michi 
gan Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 60611. The 
most provocative, pertinent queries will 
be presented on these pages each month 


Playbor 


“Before I found Vat 69 Gold, 
I made excuses for my Scotch. 
Now I look for excuses to celebrate” 


“I used to put my 
whisky in a decanter 
so nobody could tell 
the brand. People 
would accuse me of 
affectation, and 
worse. But serving 
prestige Scotch 
meant a week of box lunches. Then I 
discovered Vat 69 Gold. That impressive 
Vat Gold label on the outside. That 
impressive quality Scotch on the 
inside. At last, a good Scotch with 
a painless price tag. Now, I’m big 
on birthdays. Mine. Eli Whitney's. 
Douglas MacArthurs. Would 
Sun Yat Sen’s be too much?” 


Vat 69 Gold. The upwardly 
mobile Scotch. 


Blended Scotch Whisky. 86 Proof. Sole U.S. 


unter: National Distiller 


“My Marantz stereo is built strong as a 


bloomin tank!” 


"[ve got a lot of respect for 
Marantz first-rate construction. In my 
establishment my Marantz stereo 
system is goin’ all the time, year in, 
year out. And because Marantz builds 
receivers with nothin" 
but the best 
materials, theyre 
as dependable 
and rugged as the 
Highland Regulars. But it's the sound 
that stirs the heart. Especially with 
the built-in Dolby Noise Reduction 
System? You can use it to silence 
noise on tapes, records, even FM 
Dolbyized radio programs. The 
Marantz sound is so ruddy real 
that listenin’ to the pipers playin’ 
makes me feel like | was back with my 
old'regiment chasin' the Desert Fox" 


London pub owner Sergeant Major 
(Ret.) Harry Driscoll owns a Marantz 
2325 AM/FM stereo receiver. 

125 watts continuous power per 
channel at 8 ohms from 20 Hz to 

20 kHz with no more than 0.1% 
total harmonic distortion. See the 
complete Marantz line starting as low 
as $299.95 at your Marantz dealer. 


All over the world 
people consider Marantz Stereo 
the finest in the world. 


NEmemmE*amET zr. 
We sound better 


THE PLAYBOY FORUM | 


a continuing dialog on 


TASTEFUL SUGGESTION 
The pharmaceutical companies should 


make flavored vaginal creams and jellies. 


They've come out with tasty douches, 
which don't make much difference, be 
cause they're usually used after sex. With 
ill of the oral sex and the increased usc 
of diaphragms today, it scems the com 
panies should keep up with the times. 
Not only does the taste of these sub- 


stances make down on a woman 


unappetizing but they leave my penis 
tasting just as bad to my lovers. 
(Name withheld by request) 
Madison, Wisc 


in 


LEVELS OF ORGASM 

In the June Playboy Forum, a woman 
from Santa Monica, California, dismisses 
males as being a bunch of jocks who 
want only self-satisfaction, leaving the 
woman cheated, I feel called upon to ask 
her, How many times, when you were 
with a man, did you just lie back and 
enjoy, letting him do all the work? Did 


you work at arousing him or did you 


assume that, being a man, he must be in 
1 state of arousal all the time? Sure, men 
have orgasms more easily than women 
do, but for men, there are different levels 
of orgasm. If a woman does nothing to 
arouse a man, he might just as well be 
masturbating. The more time and energy 
cach party gives to a sexual relationship, 
the more cach will get out of it 
Steven Soller 
Fayetteville, Arkansas 
RUBBER RIBALDRY 
1 thought the lener in the July Playboy 
Forum from the Minneapolis man who 
had so much trouble with lubricated 
1, too, have had 


the slippery little devils, 


condoms was hilarious. 


my troubles w 


One night, several years ago, 1 picked up 
That's right, the 


a girl on the subway 
ire very, 


subway. It can be done if y 


very lucky, Anyway, we went to her house 
in a foil 


and got it on. I had a cond 
package that I always carried with me 
nd I thought that would be a g 

to use it, | figured the girl would tell 


me if it was unnecessary or if she didn't 


like it, but she said nothing, 
After we made love, though, and I had 


withdrawn, I was horrified to see that I 


the condom vymore 


wasn't wea) 


Had 1 lost it somewhere inside her? Had 
dissolved, for Pete's sake? What if I had 
gnant 


gotten this relative stranger } 
Oh, dear. Then I h: ippened to k 
and see the rubber peeping out at me 


from her little pubic forest. Deftly grasp- 


xk down 


ing the visible part with thumb and fore. 
finger, I extracted the serpent from the 
Garden of Eden. The girl made a funny 
little sound, somewhere between a chirp 
ad. 

Turned out she was on the pill, any 


anda c, but didn't seem to m 


way, but approved my use of the condom. 
After all, we hardly knew cach other, and 


our rubbers does protect against 


colds and other social diseases, 
(Name withheld by request) 


Brooklyn, New York 


A couple of years ago, while in Chicago 


shopping in the Loop, I went into a store 


that sold Levis and a large assortment of 


"ure, men have orgasms 
more easily than women 
do, but for men, there 

are different levels 


of orgasm. 4 


Western apparel. Partly as a joke, I 


bought a Stetson-style hat, which I proud 


ly wore back to my hotel room to freak 


out my wife. That night, I wore it to a 


restaurant where we 


re having dinner 
with friends, and one of them, in the 


course of examining my new lid, found a 


contemporary issues between playboy and its readers 


rubber neatly tucked inside the sweat 
1. This caused quite a 
to this day, my wife doesn't believe I've 


uproar, and 


told her the whole story. All I can figure 
is that cowboy hats come with a rubber 
as standard equipment 
(Name withheld by request) 
Steubenville, Ohio 
Of course; they make a fine tourniquet 
for snakebite 


BREAST SIGHS 
Dave Thorp himself 
shocked" that women would seek artifi 
cial ways to augment the size of their 
breasts (The Playboy Forum, Junc); how 


ever, small-busted women are in a minor 


confesses 


ity and not even other women can 
understand their feelings. After years of 
thinking about it and discussing it with 
my husband and a woman friend who is 


also small-busted, I consulted a plastic 
surgeon and went ahead with a breast 
a 


jentation procedure. My husband 


over the household duties in addi 
tion to his regular full-time work and my 
friend helped care for our children to 
give me time to recover, which took 


about two weeks. 


ry was not nearly so uncom: 
fortable as 1 had anticipated and the re 


The sur 


sults are worth every bit of tin and 
money, being pleasing to the eye and the 
touch and, most of all, a real boost to my 
self-esteem. The alignment is appropriate 


to my other body proportions and now I 
feel g la 


it myself as a woman. 


(Name withheld by request) 
Napa, California 


Thorp says, "Hopefully, in the future 


wome 


with big boobs will be lookir 
ways to reduce their bust size so as to look 
as youthful and exciting as their small 
1 hope that 
in the future, women—and all people 


breasted sisters." 1 disagree 


will be happy with what they have and 
be appreciated for it. 
Amy Landy 
Madison, Wisconsin 


WICHITA WITCH-HUNT 

My son and J were present in Wichita, 
Kansas, when my husband, Al Goldstein 
and his former partner, Jim Buckley, were 
tried for four weeks and found guilty of 
maili 
PLAYBOY's editorial “Screw 
Wichita, September.) Not 
in the state of Kansas had complained 
about receiving Screw. The only com 
plaining witnesses were U.S. postal in- 


g obscenity across state lines. (See 
Screwed in 


1¢ subscriber 


spectors who had been instructed by a 


59 


PLAYBOY 


60 


U.S. postal inspector in New York to 
subscribe to Screw under fictitious names. 
When those postal inspectors in Kansas 
received their copies of the magazine, 
they placed the unopened envelopes into 
other envelopes and mailed them to the 
New York y postal authorities, The 
charged issues were never even opened in 
Kansas. 

During the Nixon Administration, the 
Government chose Wichita as the place 
to build its case against Al and Jim. 
Why not try the case in New York, where 
the bulk of Serew's sales are? Obviously, 
the Government felt th s chances of 
obtaining a conviction were better in a 
small town situated in the middle of the 
Bible Belt, 

Besides being a sex review, Screw 
always been extremely antiestablishment 
and quite irreverent, in very frank lan- 
guage. This was especially so during the 
Nixon era, With the many publications 
on the newsstands today dealing even 
more explicitly with sexual material than 
Screw does, why would the Government 
choose to prosecute this magazine? I and 
many other reasonable and well-in- 
formed people are convinced that the 
obscenity charge was the means used to 
silence the political content of Screw. 

To our great disappointment, this case 
has received very little attention in the 
press, The New York Times, that cham- 
pion of the free press and supposedly the 
most comprehensive newspaper in the 
country, printed virtually nothing about 
it. When 1 wrote to the Times, criticizing 
its silence, I was informed that even my 
letter would not be printed. 
ations rarely lose their civil liberties 
all at once; more often, the process occurs 
bit by bit. Tod the U.S. Government 
has deprived Screw of First Amendment 
protection, "Tomorrow, it may be the 
holier-than-thou New York Times. 
na Goldstein 
v York, New York 


€ 


SEX AND SNUFF 
In the July Playboy Forum, the editors 
quote with approval statement by critic 
Brendan Gill that "pornography, like 
all art, is à statement in favor of life and 
against death," to rebut the idea tha 
there is a connection between porno- 
graphic movies and the so-called snuff 
movies in which someone is killed for the 
audience's titillation, But pornography 
deprives people of their human dignity, 
reduces them to raw meat. When people 
are dehumanized this way, it is but a 
step to killing them for pleasure. 
D. Price 
Portland, Oregon 


You may call me "a screwed-up mind," 
if you like, but a natural progression docs 
exist from sexual plea 
Contrary to your viewpoint, sex and v 
lence are not opposites, nor, as Brendan 
Gill put it, is pornography “a statement 


sure to murder, 


FORUM NEWSFRONT 


what's happening in the sexual and. social arenas 


SEX LAW VOIDED 

DES MoINES—Ruling in the case of an 
Ottumwa man convicted of having oral 
sex with a woman, the lowa Supreme 
Court has held the state's sodomy law to 
be an unconstitutional invasion of pri- 
vacy. The decision legalizes private sex- 
ual acts between consenting adults of the 
opposite sex but does not affect the law's 
prohibition against homosexual acts. 


ZONING OUT SIN 

WASHINGTON, D.C.— The U. S. Supreme 
Court has ruled five to four that the city 
of Detroit may use zoning ordinances 
to restrict the location of adult theaters 
and bookstores. The local ordinance 
prohibits bars, theaters and bookshops 
featuring sexually oriented material 
from being situated within 1000 feet of 


one another. A city attorney said the 
purpose of the law is to "stop the influx 
of adult bookstores that are turning our 
commercial strips into sex strips.” 

Both Boston and, more recently, 
Seattle also have enacted zoning laws to 
regulate sex shops and shows; but in 
both cities, such businesses have been 
restricted to certain downtown areas, 


SEX BREAK 
LEXINGTON, NORTH CAROLINA— Three 
women have pleaded guilty to soliciting 
truck drivers for prostitution by means 
of citizen's-band adios. Using such han- 
dles as Hot Lips, Pussy Cat Sally and 
Little Beaver, they invited drivers to a 
motel with promises of “plenty of cold 

drinks and no hot coffee.” 


ALL WORK AND NO PLAY 
SAN FRANCISCO—N ine. persons, includ- 
ing a former U. S. attorney, have been 
indicted by a Federal grand jury on 
charges of conspiring to organize a 
large-scale gambling and prostitution 


ring for workers on the 800-mile Alaska 
Pipeline. The indictment charges that 
the operation was to be headquartered 
in a saloon near Valdez, at the southern 
tip of the pipeline, and that prostitutes 
were to be imported from San Francisco. 


FUNNY MONEY 

rrovipence—Replica onedollar bills, 
with George Washington's face replaced 
by pornographic pictures, have been 
turning up in Rhode Island and other 
states along the East Coast, The Secret 
Service is trying to decide whether or 
not the bills constitute counterfeiting. 


VENT THAT HOSTILITY 

seattiy—Public opinion has closed 
down a coin-operated game called Death 
Race in the Seattle Center amusement 
arcade. The game puts the player behind 
a steering wheel and an accelerator pedal 
and lets him chase humanlike “gremlin: 
around an electronic playing board; 
when run down, they emit a shrieking 
sound and turn into grave markers. The 
player earns points for cach figure run 
down and gets a rating of Expert Driver 
for the highest score, The center's dire 
tor ordered the game removed after re- 
ceiving complaints that it was in poor 
taste, A spokesman for the manufacturer 
said it was one of the company's most 
popular games and that “If people get 
a kick out of running down pedestrians, 
you have to let them do it. This is the 
sort of challenge that pricks the person's 
mind a little bit.” 


MIND OF THE MURDERER 

SACRAMENTO—The California Su- 
preme Court has ruled that a psycho 
therapist who has reason to believe that 
a mental patient intends to harm some- 
one has a legal obligation to warn the 
intended victim. The 
handed down in a case in which a young 
woman was stabbed to death by a 25 
year-old University of California student 
who had confided his intentions to a 
school psychologist two months earlier. 
The student had, in fact, been picked up 
for psychiatrie observation at the psy- 
chologist's request but had been released 
after questioning. The court held that 
the parents of the slain woman had 
grounds to sue the therapist and the 
university for damages. 


decision us 


SUICIDE STATISTICS 
Suicides and suicide attempts probably 
occur much more frequently than cur- 
rent statistics indicate, according to a 


team of New York and Massachusetts 
psychologists. The study, headed by Dr. 
Brian L. Mishara of the University of 
Massachusetts and reported in the Amer- 
ican Journal of Psychiatry, involved 293 
college students in Detroit and Boston 
and found that one in seven had made a 
serious suicide attempt and that 65 per- 
cent had considered it on at least one 
occasion, Many of these attempts were 
never recorded as such and many suicides 
are believed listed as accidents, The 
study found that automobiles often were 
used or contemplated as the means of 
death, suggesting that many car wrecks 
are either intentional or subconscious 
altem pls at suicide. 


DRUG DANGERS 

WASHINGTON, D.C—A Government 
study has found the common tranquiliz 
er Valium to be the drug most often 
connected with drug-abuse emergencies 
requiring medical attention, According 
to a report based on statistics from more 
than 1200 hospital emergency rooms, 
crisis. centers and medical examiners, 
Valium is involved in ten percent of all 
such cases, followed by alcohol (in com- 
bination with any drug), heroin, mari- 
juana and aspirin, in that order. Heroin 
and morphine accounted for 15 percent 
of all drug-related deaths. 


A REAL LOSER 
LEWISBURG, TENNESSEE fler police 
found and seized some pot plants g 
ing in a tub on the outskirts of town, 
the local paper published a picture with 
the caption, "Have you lost a tub of 


ows 


marijuana? If you have, you may claim 
it at the Lewisburg Police Department.” 
To the surprise of police, a 26-year-old 
man came to the station and asked for 
the plants. He was arrested and charged 
with growing marijuana, 


CITY VS. COUNTRY 
ceneva—The World Health Organi- 
zation, after studying statistics from 
many countries, has decided that urban 
living lowers life expectancy for men but 
raises it for women. The difference may 


be that urban men smoke more, don't 
exercise and otherwise lead less healthful 
lives than farmers, while rural women 
tend to be overworked and underfed 
and to veceive less health care than their 
city counterparts, 


PETER METER 

nouston—Medical researchers at 
Baylor College of Medicine have de- 
vised a simple and apparently accurate 
means of determining whether male 
impotence is physiological or psycho- 
logical in a particular patient. In Medi- 
cal World News, Dr. Ismet Karacan 


Gd 


reports that nocturnal penile tumes- 
cence (NPT) can be monitored by an 
instrument connected by wires to the 
penis, and that only în cases of genuine 
physiological impotence do erections 
fail to occur during sleep. Where normal 
tumescence is absent, the system also 
gives clues to ils organic cause. 


BASTARDS’ BAD LUCK 

WASHINGTON, D€—The Supreme 
Court has upheld provisions of the Social 
Security Act that make it hard for many 
illegitimate children to collect survivor 
benefits when their fathers die. The 
Court ruled. six to three that the law 
may grant benefits if the parents have 
gone through a seemingly valid marriage 
ceremony or if the father has acknowl- 
edged his paternity; otherwise, the 
eligibility of an illegitimate child. de- 
pends on proof that his father lived with 
him or contributed to his support. 


RIGHT TO ABORTION 
WASHINGTON, D.G.—In two related de- 
U.S, Supreme Court has 
removed the last two legal grounds on 
which states have attempted to restrict 
the availability of abortions. By six-to- 
three and fiwe-to-four rulings, respec- 
tively, the Court held that states may not 
require a married woman to obtain her 
husband's consent for an abortion nor 
may they require a woman under 18 to 
obtain permission from her parents. 


cisions, the 


in favor of life and against death.” Sex 
as portrayed in pornography is an act 
not of giving but of taking, not of shar- 
ing but of grasping, not of gentleness but 
of self-serving violence. Pornography, 
serving individuals with such drives, sup 
ports the inner self-destruction and drives 
toward ultimate death while in pursuit 
solely of physical sensation, 

James Brescoll 

Coos Bay, Oregon 


Many people in this country are still 
in the grip of a sex phobia that goes back 
to the Puritans and the Victorians. These 
people never cared much about violence 
in films, until they found that violent 
films could be used to attack sexy films. 
It is easy for the sex-phobic person to 
make a connection between sex and vio- 
lence, because he tends to see-sex per se 
as something evil and dangerous. 

Paul Bennett 

Pho 

If you guys don't quit arguing, we'll 
break your typing fingers. In order to 
claim that pornography | dehumanizes 
people, you have to believe that there is 
something intrinsically demeaning and 
dehumanizing about sexual activity. 
never heard that sports are de- 
humanizing because the spectators are 
more interested in the players’ athletic 
performance than in their personalities, 
Jf most pornography lacks artistic merit, 
it's because good film makers can make 
move money with legally safe and whole- 
some movies about mass murder. and 
sharks eating people. 

It seems clear enough that sexual acts 
arise from affectionate impulses and vio- 
lent acts arise from hostile impulses, 
though these impulses may be mixed in 
an infinity of ways. Rape, for example, 
is not a true sex act but an act of 
violence using the penis as a weapon, 
People don't turn. to violence because 
they get bored with sex, nor is there more 
violence in sexually free cultures, There's 
plenty of evidence that tendencies toward 
violence and tendencies toward sexual 
pleasure are mutually inhibitory, as the 
next letter points out, 


An article in the Bulletin of the Atomic 
Scientists confirms the notion that the 
more a society inhibits sex and other 
forms of bodily pleasure, the more violent 
that society will become, and the more 
pleasure is allowed, the less violent is the 
society. In “Body Ple: nd the Ori- 
gins of Violence,” neuropsychologist 
James W. Prescott of the National Insti 
tute of Child Health and Human Devel- 
opment argues that “pleasure and violence 
have a reciprocal relationship, that is, the 
presence of one inhibits the other." More 
specifically, “When the brain's pleasure 
circuits are ‘on,’ the violence circuits 
are ‘off,’ and vice versa.” 

Prescott employs dozens of different 

(continued on page 175) 


[28 


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1876 


oo JIMMY CARTER 


a candid conversation with the democratic candidate for the presidency 


The biographical details are all too fa. 
viliay by now and, indeed, may seem a 
little pointless this month. If Jimmy 
Carter is elected President of the United 
States a few weeks from now, the facts 
bout where he spent his youth, how he 


as educated and the way he came out 
of nowhere to ture the Democratic 
nomination will soon enough avail 
able in history books and on cereal 
What will be less available and less 


familiar is what kind of person Carter is 
To many Americans, the old charge that 
less 


accurate than the persistent feeling that 


he was "fu on the issues ma 


he is fuzzy as a personality. Even this 


late in the n, Carter remains for 
many an unknown quantity 
When Carter agreed to do a “Playboy 


Interview,” we decided we'd try our best 


not to add to all the hype that always 
gushes forth during a Presidential cam 
paign. We wanted to pit him against an 


interviewer who would prod him and 
challenge him and not be afraid to ask 


rreverent questions. Our choice of i 
viewer was natural: Robert Scheer, the 
d journalist 


Bronx-born rkeley-ba 


inter 


who in the past year has d ews 


with California governor Jerry Brown for 


We Baptists are taught not to judge 


other people Anybody can come and 


ook at my record as governor. 1 didn't run 


around breaking down people's doors to 


see if they were fornicating." 


rLAYmOY (which was widely regarded as 
the earliest and most thorough exposure 
of Brown's curious politics and. beliefs) 
and both William and Emily Harris for 
New Times (which provided crucial evi 
dence in the trial of Patty Hearst) 

For three months, Scheer dogged the 


footsteps of the peanut farmer who 


would be President, scrambling aboard 


in motels, hang 


press planes, sleeping 
ing out with the pack of journalists that 


grew in size as the campaign gathered 
momentum. With the support of Carter's 
young aides—notably, press secretary 
Jody Powell and campaign manager 
Hamilton Jordan—Scheer and. viavw 


managed to log more hours of recorded 
conversations with the candidate than 
any other publication or news medium— 
a fact Carter joked about at the final 
session. After writing the accompanying 
article about his experiences and about 
Carter (see Jim We Hardly Know 
Y'All” on page 91), a very exhausted 
Scheer filed this report 

It was the day after the Democratic 


Convention in New York City, Jody 
Powell was harried. 
Listen, Scheer, I'm not going to kid 


you. Now that he's the nominee, I've got 


over 700 requests from all over the world 


1 don't think 1 would ever take on the 
same frame of mind that Nixen or John 


he 


and distorting 


son d. 


ying, chea 
truth. I think my 
would prevent that from happening.” 


gious beliefs alone 


for interviews. He's told me to cut back 
but I’ve got a prior commitment to you 
guys and I'm going to honor it. So hop 
a plane down to his place in Plains 
We'll just cut out an appointment with 
some future Secretary of State 

Jody keeps his sense of humor even 
when he's harried. I had already log 


hours of tape with Carter under condi 


tions that were never less than chaotic 
Our conversations had started when his 
chances were shakier and his time slight 
ly more available. But, as Jody had said. 
once he became the nominee, it was going 
to be even tougher 

Some of our sessions were as short as 
half an hour on board the campaign 
plane, with the voar of engines and the 
pilot's announcements adding to the 
frenzy. rtAvmov and I both hung in 
there through the months, taking (and 
paying for) flights halfway across the 
country on the tentative promise of yet 
one more hurried chat. After all the bag 
gage searches by the Secret Service and 
the many times I'd had to lurch up an 
airplane aisle, fumbling with my tape 
recorder, I was looking forward to a 
leisurely conversation with Garter at his 
home after the nomination 


Earlier this year, when 1 was working 


I'm a human being. I'm not a packaged 
article you put in a box and say, ‘Here 


ut farmer with 


an ignorant Ge 
no flexibility 


He's gotia be a liar and a racist’ " 


predictable 


PLAYBOY 


64 


on the interview with Governor Jerry 
Brown, my rLayBoy editor, Barry Golson, 
had joined me for the final sessions at the 
governor's office in Sacramento. It had 
produced interesting results—I, the ag- 
gressive Berkeley radical, Golson, the 
Eastern diplomatic Yalie. We felt the 
Mutt and Jeff technique would be valu 
able with Carter as well, so Golson and 
1 traveled to Plains for the final session. 

“Down in Plains, everything was nor- 
mal, Brother Billy Garter was in his blue 
overalls, leaning against a storefront, 
drawling about this and that to one of 
the locals who hadn't been up to New 
York City for the big show, We drove 
past the Secret Service barricades, past 
daughter Amy's lemonade stand, and 
parked in front of the Garter home. As 
we entered the front door, the candidate, 
dressed in rumpled work clothes and 
dusty clodhoppers, was ushering out an 
impeccably dressed six-man contingent 
from Reader's Digest. 

“As we said hello and sat down in his 
living room to adjust our tape recorders, 
I remarked to Carter that he must be in 
a puckish mood, talking to both the 
Digest and rLavwoy on the same after 
noon. Garter flashed us every one of his 
teeth: ‘Yeah, but you guys must have 
some kind of blackmail leverage on Jody. 
I've spent more time with you than with 
Time, Newsweek and all the others 
combined." 

“It was a flattering opening shot, but 
probably more canny and less casual than 
it sounded. A week earlier, during the 
Democratic Convention, Golson had 
bumped into Jordan at a party in New 
York, Neither of them was entirely sober, 
and they discussed the interview. Golson 
said something about all the time Carter 
had spent with me. Jordan replied, ‘We 
wouldn't do it if it weren't in our interest, 
It's your readers who are probably predis- 
posed toward Jimmy—but they may not 
vote at all if they feel uneasy about him." 

"For me, the purpose of the question- 
ing was not to get people to vote for or 
against the man but to push Carter on 
some of the vagueness he's wrapped him 
self in, We tried to get beyond the cam- 
paigner to some of the personal doubts 
and confusions—as well as the strengths— 
of the man himself. Throughout my 
months on the campaign trail, I. found 
Carter impatient with social chitchat and 
eager for challenging questions. He is 
thin-skinned, as others have reported, and 
he'll glare at you if he doesn't like some 
thing you've asked, But he can take it as 
well as dish it out and, unlike many other 
politicians I've interviewed, he'll even- 
tually respond directly to a question if 
you press him hard enough. The best 
evidence of this is contained in the final 
portion of the interview, an open and 
revealing monolog that occurred because 
we happened to ask him one last question 
on a topic about which he'd become im- 
patient and frustrated. 


"Oh, just incidentally, there's one bit 
of folklore about Jimmy Carter whose 
authenticity I can vouch for. When I've 
had a rough day, I've been known to 
toss down a drink or four, and I won- 
dered what Carter did when he needed 
replenishment. I got my an 
one short session as I slipped into the 
plane seat next to him after he'd had a 
miserable day on the hustings. Between 
answers, he would gobble down handfuls 
of peanuts at about the same vate at 
which 1 drink, Different. strokes, 1 
thought.” 


r during 


PLAYBOY: Alter nearly two years on the 
campaign wail, don’t you feel a lite 
numbed by the routine—for instance. 
having to give the same speech over and 
over? 

CARTER: Sometimes. Once, when I was 
campaigning in the Florida primary, I 
made 12 speeches in one day. It was the 
worst day I ever had. But I generally have 
tried to change the order of the speech 
and emphasize different things. Sometimes 
1 abbreviate and sometimes I elaborate, 
Of 20 different parts in a speech, I 


“The national news media 
have absolutely no interest 
in issues at all... "There's 
nobody on the press plane 
who would ask an issue 
question unless he thought 
he could trick me into 


some crazy statement." 


might take seven or eight and change 
. It depends on the audi 
ence—black people, Jewish people, chi 
e the ability to 
't boring to 


canos—and that gives n 
make speeches that a 
myself. 

PLAYBOY: Every politician probably em: 
phasizes different things to dif 
ences, but in your case, th 
common criticism that you se 
several faces, that you try to be all things 
to all people, How do you respond to 
that? 

CARTER: I c ke myself believe these 
are contrivances and subterfuges I've 
adopted to get votes. It may be, and I 
can't get myself to admit it, but what 
1 want to do is to let people know how I 
stand on the issues as honestly as I can. 
PLAYBOY: If you feel you've been fully 
honest, why has the charge persisted that 
on the issu 
CARTER: It started during the primaries, 
when most of my opponents were mem- 
bers of Congress. When any question on 


an issue came up, they would say, "I'm 
for the “Corman bill on health 
care, period, no matter what's in it” If 
the question was on employment, they 
would say, “I'm for the Humphrey-Haw- 
kins bill, m atter what's i But 
those bills were constantly bein; pended! 

I'm just not able to do that, I have to 
understand what I'm talking about d 
simplistic answers identifying my posit 
with sucheand-such a House bill are some- 
thing | can't put forward. That's onc 
reason I've been seen as fuzzy 

Another is that I'm not an ideo! 
my positions are not predictable, Without 
any criticism of McGovern, if the ques 
tion had ever come up on abortion, you 
could pretty well anticipate what he was 
going to say. If it w nnesty, you 
could predict what McGovern was going 
to say about that. But I've tried to 

ilyze each question i 
taken positions th 
rational, and sometimes my answers are 
complicated. 

The third reason is that I wasn't a 
very vulnerable opponent for those who 
ran against me. Fuzziness was the only is 
sue Congressman Udall, Senator Chureh— 
and others that are hard to remember 
now—could adopt in their campaigns 
gainst me. I think the drumming of that 
r into the consciousness of the Ameri: 
can voter obviously had some impact. 
PLAYBOY: Still, not 
whether you're a conservative in liberal 
clothing or vice versa, F.D.R., for in 
stance, turned out to be something 
surprise to people who'd voted for him, 
because he hadn't seemed as progressive 
ore he was elected as he turned out to 
be. € e that way? 
CARTER: 1 don't believe that's going to be 
the case. If you analyze the Democratic 
Party platform, you'll sce that it's a very 
progressive, very liberal, very socially 
motivated platform. What sometimes sur 
prises people is that | carry out my 
promises. People ask how a peanut farmer 
from the South who believes in balanced 
budgets and tough management of Gov 
ernment can possibly give the country 
tax and welfare reform, or a national 
health program, or insist on equal rights 
for blacks and women. Well, I'm going 
to do those things. I've promised them 
during the campaign. so | don't think 
there will be many people disappointed— 
or surprised—when I carry out those 
commitments as President. 

PLAYBOY: But isn't it true that you turned 
out to be more liberal as governor of 
Georgia than people who voted for you 
had any reason to suspect? 

CARTER: I don't really think so. No, The 
Atlanta Constitution, which was the 
source of all information about me 
categorized me during the gubernatorial 
as an , racist, back 
rednecked South 
farmer. Its candidate, 
Carl Sanders, the former governor, was 


and 


everybody's sure 


ista e wOLOS Totatco 69. 


Something for 
smokers 


to think about. 


There are cigarettes and there are cigarettes. And if you're a smoker you 
certainly know by now which brand you really enjoy smoking. 

So what makes us think we'll ever get a crack at switching you? 

Well, we're going to try. 

A lotof cigarette smokers smoke menthol. But they're probably just as 
concerned about the 'tar' and nicotine stories that all cigarette smokers have 
been hearing these days. 

Frankly, ifa cigarette is going to bring you flavor, it's also going to bring you 
smoke. And where there's smoke, there has to be ‘tar’ In fact, in most cigarettes, 
the more flavor, the more ‘tar’ Except for Vantage. 

You must know that Vantage cigarettes have a special filter which reduces 
‘tar’ and nicotine without destroying flavor. 

What you may not know is that Vantage is also available in menthol. 

Not surprisingly, what separates Vantage Menthol 
from ordinary menthols is that Vantage Menthol gives 
you all the flavor you want, with a lot less of the ‘tar’ 
and the nicotine that you probably don’t want. 

Now Vantage Menthol is not the lowest 
‘tar’ and nicotine menthol you'll find. It may well 
be the lowest one you'll enjoy smoking. Bay 

Since youre the best judge of what youlikeabout Ue 
menthol cigarettes, don’t just take our word for it. Sane 

Try a pack of Vantage Menthol and then you'll 
know for sure. 


Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined FILTER: TI mg. “tar”, 0.7 mg. nicotine, 
MENTHOL: 1 mg. "tar" 0.8 mg. nicotine, 


av. per cigarette, FTC Report APR. ‘76. 


That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. 


65 


PLAYBOY 


66 


characterized as an enlightened, progres 
forceful, 
competent public official. I never agreed 


sive well-educated. urbane 
rization that was made 
the campaign. I was 
the same person before and after I be 


with the cate 


of me durin 


came governor. | remember keeping a 
check list and every time I made a prom 
ise during 
in a notebook. | believe I carried out 


the campaign, I wrote it down 


every promise I made. I told several 
people during the camp: 


the phrases I was going to use in my in 


gn that one of 


gural speech was that the time for 
racial discrimination was over. 1 wrote 
and made that speech 

The ultraconservatives in Georgia— 
who aren't supporting me now, by the 
way—voted for me because of their ani 
mosity toward Carl Sanders. 1 was the 
alternative to him, "They never asked 
me, “Are you a racist or have you been 
a member of the Ku Klux Klan?" be 
cause they knew I wasn't and hadn't been 
And yet, despite 
year by The 


predictions early this 
Atlanta Constitution that I 
couldn't get a majority of the primary 
inst Wall 


ceived about 85 percent of the votes. So 


vote in Georgia a e, I re 


I don't think the Georgia people have 
the feeling 1 betrayed them. 

PLAYBOY; Considering what you've just 
Atlante 


how do you feel about the 


said about The Constitution 
media in 


neral and about the 


job they do in 


covering the election issues 


CARTER: There's still a tendency on the 
part of some members of the press to 
treat the South, you know, as a suspect 
nation, There are a few whe think that 
since I am a Southern governor, | must 


be a secret racist or there's something in 
1 closet somewhere that's going to be 
There's 
been a constant probing back ten. twelve 


revealed to show my true colors. 


years in my background, even as early 


is the first primaries. Nobody probed 
like that into the background of Udall 
yh or other people. But I don't ob 
ject to it particularly, 1 just recognize it 

as broken off and, at a 
Carter 


(The answer 
later session returned to the 
question of the press and its coverage of 
issues, This time he was tired, his head 
sunk far back into his airplane seat. The 
exchange occurred during one of the late 
primaries.) 

Issues? The local media are interested 
ll right, but the national news media 
have absolutely no interest in issues at all. 
Sometimes we freeze out the national 
media so we can open up press con 
ferences to local people. At least we get 
questions from them—on timber man 
igement, on health care, on education. 
But the traveling press have zero interest 
in any issue unless it's a matter of making 
a mistake, What they're looking for is a 
17-second. argument between me and an 
other candidate or something like that 
There's nobody in the back of this planc 
who would ask an issue question unless 


he thought he could trick me into some 
crazy statement 

PLAYBOY: One crazy statement you were 
supposed to have made was reported by 
Robert Shrum after he quit as your 
speechwriter earlier this year. He said 


he'd been in conversations with you when 


you made some slighting references to 
Jewish voters. What's your version of 
what happened? 

CARTER: Shrum dre: 


conversations that never took place and 


ned up eight or ten 


nobody in the press ever asked me il 
they had occurred, The press just as 
sumed that they had. 1 never talked 10 
Shrum in private except for maybe a 
couple of minutes. If he had told the 
truth, if 1 had said all the things he 
claimed I had said, I wouldn't vote for 
myself 

When a poll came out early in the 
primaries that said 1 had a small propor 
tion of the Jewish vote, I said, "Well. this 


is really a disappointment to me—we've 


worked so hard with the Jewish voters. 
my pro-Israel stand won't change. even if 
I don't get a single Jewish vote: I guess 


we'll have to depend on non-Jews 


put 


“My mother would come 
out of the L.B.T. 
headquarters and find her 
car smeared with soap and 
the antenna tied ina knot 
and ugly messages left on 


the [ront seat." 


me in office But Shrum treated it as if it 
were some kind of racist disavowal of 
Jews. Well, that's a kind of sleazy twist 
ing of a conversation 

PLAYBOY: While we're on the subject of 
the press, how do you feel about an issue 


that concerns the press itself—the right 
of journalists to keep their sources secret? 
CARTER: I would do everything I could to 
protect the secrecy of sources for the news 
media. 

PLAYBOY: 


seem to have made an issue out of your 


Both the press and the public 


Baptist beliefs, Why do you think this 
has happened 

CARTER: I'm not unique. There are a lot 
of people in this country who have the 
same religious faith. It's not a mysterious 
But for those 


or mystical or magical thir 


of someone 


who don't know the feeling 
who believes in Christ, who is aware of 
the presence of God, there is, I presume 
à quizzical attitude toward it. But it's 
always been something I've discussed very 
frankly thr 
PLAYBOY: We've heard that you pray 2 


times a day. Is that true? 


shout my adult life 


CARTER: I've never counted. I've for 


gouen who asked me that, but I'd 


that on an eventful day, you know, it’s 


something like that 

PLAYBOY: When you say an eventful 

do you mean you pray as a kind of 
pause, to control your blood pressure 
and relax 

CARTER: Well, yes. If. somethi happens 


to me that is a little disconcerting. if I 


feel a trepidation, if a thought comes 


into my head of animosity or hatrec 
toward someone, then I just kind of say 
a brief silent prayer. I don't ask for 
myself but just to let me understand what 
another's 


feelings might be. Goin 


people 
bring me a problem, and I pray that their 


1 crowd, quite often 


A lot of times, TIl 
know 


needs might be met 


be in the back seat of a car and 


what kind of audience I'm going to face 
I don't mean I'm terrorstricken, jusi 
that 1 t know what to expect next 
lIl pray then, but it's not something 
that’s conscious or formal It’s just a 


part of my life 
PLAYBOY: One reason some people might 
be quizzical is that you have a sist 


Ruth, who is a faith 


ler. The associa 


tion of politics with faith healing is ar 
idea many find disconcertin, 


CARTER: | don't even know what political 


ideas Ruth has had, anc people 
st I'm under the hold of a sister 

or any other person—is a complete dis 
tortion of fact, | don't have any idea 


whether Ruth has supported Democrats 
or not, whereas the political views of m 


other sister, Gloria, are remarkably I 


ious with mine 
PLAYBOY: So you're closer to Gloria, who 
McGovern 


Democrat and rides motorcycles as a 


has described herself as a 


hobby? 

CARTER: I like them both. But in the past 
20 or 25 years, I've been much closer to 
Gloria 
me and Ruth lives in North Carolina. We 


hardly saw Ruth more than once a year 


because she lives next door to 


at family get-togethers, What political at 
titudes Ruth has had, T have not the 
slightest idea, But my mother and Glor 
and I have been very compatible. We 


supported Lyndon Johnson openly dur 


ing the 1964 campa 


zn 
worked at the Johnson county head 


quarters, which was courageous, not 


casy thing to do politically. She would 


come out of the Johnson headquart 


and find her car smeared with soap am 
the antenna tied in a knot and ugly 


messages left on the front seat, Wher 


my young boys went to school, they wer 


beaten. So Mother and Gloria and | 


slong with my Rosalynn, have had id 
same attitudes even when we were in 
minority in Plains. But Ruth lives ir 


different world in rth Carolina 


PLAYBOY: Granting that you're not 
close to your religious sister as is as 
sumed, we still wonder how your r 


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beliefs would translate into political ac 
tion. For instance, would you appoint 
judges who would be harsh or lenient 
toward victimless crimes—offenses such as 
drug use, adultery, sodomy and homo 
sexuality? 

CARTER: Committing adultery, according to 
the Bible—which 1 believe in—is a 
sin. For us to hate one another, for us 


to have sexual intercourse outside. mar 
riage, for us to eng: 

activities, for us to stea 
all these are sins. But Jesus teaches us 
not to judge other people. We don't 
assume the role of judge and say to an 
other human being, "You're condemned 


ge in homosexual 


lor us to lie 


because you commit sins." All Christians. 
all of us, acknowledge that we are sinful 
and the judgment comes from God, not 
from another human being. 

As governor of Georgia, 1 tried to shift 
the emphasis of law enforcement away 
from victimless crimes. We lessened the 
penalties or the use of marijuana. We 
removed alcoholism as a crime, and so 
forth. Victimless crimes, in my opinion. 
should have a very low priority in terms 
of enforcing the laws on the books. But 
as to appointing judges. that would not 
be the basis on which I'd appoint them 
I would choose people who were compe 
tent, whose judgment and integrity were 
sound. I think it would be inappropri 
ate to ask them how they were going to 
rule on a particular question before I ap: 
pointed them 
PLAYBOY: What about those laws on the 
books that govern personal behavior 
Should they be enforced? 

CARTER: Almost every state. in the Union 
nst adultery and many of 
them have laws against homosexuality 
and sodomy. But they're often considered 
by police officers as not worthy of en 


has laws 


forcing to the extent. of disturbing con 


senting adults or breaking into a person's 
private home 

PLAYBOY: But, of course, that gives the 
police a lot of leeway to enforce them 
selectively. Do you think such laws should 
bc on the books at 
CARTER: That's a ju 
dividual states to make. I think the laws 
on the books quite often because of 
their relationship to the Bible, Early in 
the nation's development, the Judaco 
Christian moral standards were accepted 
as a basis for civil law, But I don't think 
it hurts to have this kind of standard 
maintained as a goal. 1 also think it’s an 
area that’s been interpreted by the 
Supreme Court as one that can rightfully 


ment for the in 


be retained by the individual states 
PLAYBOY: Do you think liberalization of 
the laws over the past decade by factors 


as diverse as the pill and eLAYnoy—an 


effect some people would term permissive 
ness—has been a harmful development 

carter: Liberalization of sc of the 
laws has been good. You can't legisl 
morality. We tried to outlaw consumption 


of alcoholic beverages. We found thar 


violation of the law led to bigger crimes 
ind bred disrespect for the law. 
PLAYBOY: We're confused. You say moral- 
ity can't be legislated, yet you support 
ertain laws because they preserve old 
moral standards. How do you reconcile 
the two positions? 

CARTER: | believe people should honor 
civil laws. If there is a conflict between 
God's law and civil law, we should honor 
God's law. But we should be willing to 
accept civil punishment. Most of Christ's 
original followers were killed because of 
their belief in Christ; they violated the 
civil law in following God's law. Rein 
hold Niebuhr, a theologian who has dealt 
with this problem at length, says that the 
framework of law is a balancing of forces 
ciety; the law itself tends to al. 
leviate tensions brought about by these 
forces. But the laws on the books are not 
1 measure of this balance nearly as much 
as the degree to which the laws are en 
forced. So when a law is anachronistic 
and is carried over from a previous age 
it’s just not observed 

PLAYBOY: What we're getting at is how 
much you'd tolerate behavior that your 
religion considers wrong, For instance, in 
San Francisco, you said you considered 
sin. What does that mean 
in political terms? 

CARTER; Ihe issue of homosexuality al 
ways makes me nervous, It's obviously 
one of the major issues in San Francisco. 
I don't have any, you know, personal 
knowledge about homosexuality and I 
guess being a Baptist, that would con 
tribute to a sense of being uneasy 
PLAYBOY: Does it make you uneasy to dis 
cuss it simply as a political question? 
CARTER: No, it's more complicated than 
that. It’s political, it's moral and it's 
suange territory for me. At home in 
Plains, we've had homosexuals in our 
community, our church. 
heen any sort of discrimination—some 


homosexuality 


There's never 
embarrassment but no animosity, no har 
issment, But to inject it into a public 
discussion on politics and how it conflicts 
with morality is a new experience for me. 
I've thought about it a lot, but I don't 
see how to handle it differently from the 
way I look on other sexual acts outside 


PLAYBOY: We'd like to ask you a blunt 
question: Isn't it just these views about 
“immoral” 
that contribute to the feeling that you 
might 


what's “sinful” and what's 


t a call from God, or get inspired 


and push the wrong button? More realis 
tically, wouldn't we expect a puritanical 
tone to be set in the White House if you 
were elected? 

carter: Harry Truman a Baptist 
Some people get very abusive about the 
Baptist faith. If people want to know 
about it, they can read the New Testa 
ment. The main thing is that we don't 
think we're better than anyone else. We 
are taught not to judge other people. 
But as to some of the behavior you've 


EB eli evett 


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PLAYBO 


mentioned, I can't change the teachir 


of Christ. I can't change the teachings of 


Christ! I believe in them, and a lot of 
people in this country do as well. Jews 
believe in the Bible. They have the same 
commandments 

PLAYBOY: Then you as President, in ap 
pointing Supreme Court. Justices. 

CARTER: I think we've pursued this con 
versation long enough—if you have an 
other question Look, I'll try to 
express my views, It’s not a matter of 
condemnation, it's not a matter of per 
secution. I've been a governor for four 
years, Anybody can come and look at my 
record, I didn't run around breaking 
down people's doors to see if they were 
fornicating. This is something that's 
ridiculous. 

PLAYBOY: We know you di 


being so persistent because of this matter 


Yt, but we're 


of self-righteousness, because of the moral 


certainty of so many of your statements. 


People wonder if Jimmy Carter ever is 
unsure. Has he ever been wrong, has he 
ever had a failure of moral nerve 

CARTER: Well, there are a lot 


could have done differently had I known 


of things I 


during my early life what I now know. I 


would certainly have spoken c 


it more 


clearly and loudly on the civil ri, 


issue 
I would have demanded that our nation 
never get involved initially in the Viet 
nam war. I would have told the country 
in 1972 that Water 


horrible crime than we thou 


te was a 


at the 
time, It’s easy to say in hindsight what 
you would have done if you had had in 
formation you now have 

PLAYBOY: We were asking not 
being fallible 
Aren't there any examples of things you 


o much 


(bout. hindsight as abou 


did that weren't absolutely right 
CARTER: I don't mind repeating myself 
There are a lot of those in my life. Not 
speaking out for the cessation of the war 
in Vietnam. The fact that T didn't cru 
ade at a very early stage for civil rights 
in the South, for the oneman, one-vote 
e that now I should 


1 for President and start 


ruling. It mi; 
drop my campai 
i crusade for blackmajority rule in 
South Africa or 


that later on, we'll discover 


hodesia, It might be 


there were 


»pportunities in our lives to do wonderful 
things and we didn't take advantage of 
them. 

The fact 1 1954 1 sat back and 


required the Warren Court t6 make this 


ing without having crusaded myself 


hat was »usly a mistake on my part 


But these 


things you have to judge 


under the circumst 


being made, Back 


when the decisions were 


then, the Congress, the President, the 


newspaper editors, the civil libertarians all 


id that separate-butequal facilities were 


adequate, "These are opportunities over 


looked, or maybe they could be charac 


cour 


terized as absence 
PLAYBOY: Since 


you'd have done 


known what you know now calistic 


o conclude that a person running for the 


st office in the land 


many mistakes or moments of self-doubt 


CARTER: I think that's a human circum: 


stance. But if there are issues I'm avoic 


ing because of a lack of courage, cither 


I don't recognize them or | can't make 


myself recognize them. 
PLAYBOY: You mentioned Vietnam. Do 


you feel you spoke out at an early enot 


st the war 
CARTER: No, I did not. I never 


publicly about withdrawing 


poke out 
completely 
from Vietnam until March of 1971 
PLAYBOY: Why? 
CARTER: It was the first time anybody | 
asked me about it. I was a farmer 


ed about the war 


then and wasn't a 
until I took office. There was a general 
feeling in this country that we ought not 
to be in Vietnam to start with, The 
American people were tremendously mis 
led about the immediate prospects for 
victory, about the level of our inve 

ment, about the relative cost in Ameri 
lives, If 1 had known in the Sixties what 
I knew in the early Seventies, I think I 


“I can't change the 
teachings of Christ. I can't 
change the teachings of 
Christ! I believe in them, 
and a lot of people in this 


country do as well 


would have spoken out more strongly 
iblic office, When I t 
1970, I began to 


office as governor ir 


cak out about complere withdrawal. It 


with what many others 


was late compare 


had done, but T vk it's accurate to say 


that the Congress and the people—with 


very small numbers of 


people—sharec 
prot 
PLAYBOY: Even without holding office 


ting our demoeratic allies. 


ou must have had some feeli 


the war. When do you recall first feeling 
it was wrong 
CARTER: There was an accepted feeling by 
me and every else. that ht 
not to be there, that we | never 
have gotten involved, we ought to get out 
PLAYBOY: You felt that ill. through 
e Sixties? 
CARTER: Yeah, that I might 
en to say th fcelin 
by 1 Tal 
madge—very con » polit 
cal figures. They sc 


nistake to be in V 
PLAYBOY: Your 


Did you have any qualms "i 


at the time? 
CARTER: Well, yes, 1 had problem 
z in 


1e war, per 


1 waste of time, much r 


€ deeply than 1 


did. He also felt it would have been 
ly unfair for him not to go when 
poorer kids had to. 

PLAYBOY: You were in favor of allocatir 
funds for the South Vietnamese in 197 


is the war was coming to a close, werer 


CARTER: That was when we were ti 
ready to evacuate our t The pu 


pose of the money was to 


maintain harmony between 


out and 
ind our Vietnamese allies, who had foug 
And I said yes, I 


with us for 25 years 


would 


nent thing, not to continue the war but 
to let 
fashion 
PLAYBOY: How do you respond to the 


our troops out in an oi 


ment that it was the Democrats, 1 


Republicans, who got us into th 


Vietnam war 
CARTER: I think it started originally, r 


be, with Eisenhower, then Kennedy 


Johnson and then Nixon, It's not a part 
san matter, I think Eisenhower probabl 


first 


in there thinking that sir 


France had faile ir country might slip 


in there and succeed, Kennedy thougt 


he could escalate involvement Ping 
beyond the mere advisory role, I if 
there was one President who made the 
most determined effort, conceivably, to 
end the war by massive force, it ec 


tainly Johnson, And Ni 
Cambodia and bombed it, ar 
It 


xt partisan—it's just a matte 


is a habit ove ral ac 


tration 


the American peop 
with false statements and sometime 
right lies. Had the American peop 
told the facts from the 


Eisenhower, Kennedy, MacNamara. Je 
on, Kisinger and Nixon, I think 


would have been different decision l 
in our Government 

PLAYBOY: the Democrat Ce en 

you praised Johnson as a President 

had vastly extended human rights. W 
you simply omitting any mention of 
Vietnan 

CARTER: It obviously t LET 


ed his political 
le life 


PLAYBOY: Except for the human 

the Vic mese and t American: 
fought there 

CARTER: Well, I really believe that J 
sor motives were xl. I t 


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If you havent tried it, 
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under J h administr 
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PLAYBOY: When 

CARTER: The first week I'm in office 
PLAYBOY: You avoided the w 
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CARTER: You know I can't deny that. But 


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PLAYBOY 


74 


my reason for distinguishing between the 
two is that I think that all of those poor, 
and often black, young men who went to 
ition 
than those who defected. and the word 


Vietnam are more worthy of rece 


pardon includes those who simply avoided 
the war completely, But I just want to 
bring the defectors back to this country 
without punish 
would like to have the support of the 
American people. I haven't been able to 
devise for private or public presenta 


nent and, in doing so, I 


1 better way to do it 
PLAYBOY: Earlier this year, there was a 
report that as governor of Gec 
had. issued 

support. William Calley after his trial for 
the My Lai massacre and that you'd re- 
it. Was that a 
misreading of your position? 

CARTER: Yes, There was no reason for me 
to mislead anybody on the Calley thing 
1 thought when I first re 
Calley was a murderer, He was tried in 
Georgia and found to be a murderer, I 
said two things: One, that Galley was not 
typical of our Amer 
two, that he was a scapi 


you 


resolution that seemed to 


ferred to him as a sen 


l about him that 


Servicemen and, 


mit because his 


superiors should have been tried, too. The 


resolution I made as governor didn't have 


anything to do with Calley. The pur- 


pose of it, calling for solidarity with our 
boys in Vietnam, was to distinguish Amer 
ican Servicemen fighting an unpopular 


war, They weren't murderers, but they 

were equated, unfortunately, with a mur- 

derer in people's minds. 

PLAYBOY: In preparing for this interview, 

we spoke with your mother, your son Chip 
asked them 


and your sister Gloria, We 
what si 
them in a Carter Presidency. They all 
replied that it would be if you ever sent 
troops to intervene in a foreign war. In 
fact, Miss Lillian said she would picket the 
White House 

CARTER: "They share my views completely. 
PLAYBOY: What about more limited mili. 
tary action? Would you have handled the 
Mayaguez incident the same way President 
Ford did? 

CARTER: Let me assess that in retrospect 
It's obvious we didn't have adequate in- 


gle action would most disappoint 


telligence; we attacked an island when 
the Mayaguez crew wax no longer there, 
There was a desire, I think, on the part 
of President Ford to extract maximum 
publicity from our effort, so that about 
minutes after our crew was released, 
we went ahead and bombed the island 
airport. I hope I would have been capable 
of getting adequate intellig 
rounded the island more quickly and 
isolated the crew so we wouldn't have 
had to attack the airport after the crew 
was released. These are some of the dif- 


nee, sur 


ferences in the way I would have done it. 
PLAYBOY: So it's a matter of degree; you 
would have intervened militarily, too. 
CARTER; | would have done everything 
necessary to keep the crew from being 
taken to the mainland, yes. 


PLAYBOY: Then would you summarize 
your position on foreign intervention? 

CARTER: I would never intervene for the 
purpose of overthrowing a government. 
If enough were at stake for our national 
interest, I would use prestige, legitimate 


diplomatic leverage, trade mechanisms. 
But it would be the sort of effort that 
would not be embarrassing to this nation 
if revealed completely. I don't ever want 
to do anything as President that would be 


à contravention of the moral and ethical 


standards that T would exemplify in my 
own life as an individual or that would 
violate the principles or character of the 
American people 

PLAYBOY: Do you feel it's fair criticism 
that you scem to be going back to some 
wul Warnke 
and Cyrus Vance—for foreign-policy ad 


familiar faces—such as 


vice? Isn't there a danger of history's re 
peating itself when you seek out those 
who were involved in our Vietnam 
decisions? 

CARTER: | haven't heard that criticism, If 
you're raising it, then I respond to the 


new critic, These people contribute to 


foreign-affairs journals, they individually 


explore different concepts of foreign 
r gi 


I don’t ever want to do 
anythingas President that 
would be a contravention 
of the moral and ethical 
standards that I would 
exemplify in my own life 


as an individual." 


policy. I have 15 or 20 people who work 
xt 


1 affairs, 


with me very closely on forc 
Their views are quite divergent. The fact 
that they may or may not have been in. 
volved in foreign-policy decisions in the 
past is certainly no detriment to their 
ability to help me now 

PLAYBOY: In some respects, your foreign 
milar to that established by 
ger, Nixon and Ford, In fact, Kis- 
r stated that he didn't think your 


policy seems 


Kissi 


differences were substantial. How. pre- 
cisely, does your view differ from theirs? 

CARTER: As I've said in my speeches, I 
feel the policy of détente has given up too 
much to the Russians and gotten too 


little in return. I also feel Kissinger has 


equated his own popularity with the so 
called advantages of détente. As Tve 
traveled and spoken with world leaders— 
Helmut Schmidt of West Germany, 
Yitzhak Rabin of Israel, various leaders in 


Japan—t've discerned a deep concern on 
their part that the United States has 
abandoned a long-standing principle: to 


consult mutually, to share responsibility 
for problems. This has been a damag 
thing. In addition, I believe we should 
have stronger bilateral relations with de 
veloping nations. 

PLAYBOY: What do you mean when you 


say we've given up too much to the 


Russians? 

CARTER: One example I've mentioned 
often is the Helsinki 
saw any reason we should be involved in 
the Helsinki meetings at all. We added 
the stature of our presence and signature 
ement that, in effect, ratified 
over of castern Europe by the 


greement. I never 


to an 
the ta 
Soviet Union, We got very little, if any 
thing, in return. The Russians promised 
they would honor democratic principles 


and permit the free movement of their 


citizens, including those who want to 
emigrate. The Soviet Union has not lived 
up to those promises and Mr. Brezhnev 
was able to celebrate the major achieve- 
ment of his diplomatic life 
PLAYBOY: Are you charging 
was too soft on the Russians 

CARTER: Kissinger has been in the position 
of being almost ui 


that Kis 


quely a spokesman for 
our nation. T think that is a legitimate 
role and a proper responsibility of the 
President himself. Kissinger has had a 
kind of Lone Ranger. secret foreign 


policy attitude, which almost ensures that 


there cannot be adequate consultation 


with our allies: there cannot be a k 


range commitment to unchanging prin 
ciples; there cannot be a coherent 
evolution on foreign policy: there can 
not be a bipartisan approach with support 
and advice from Congress. This is what 
I would avoid as President and is one 
of the major defects in the Nixon-Ford 


foreign policy as expressed by Kissinger 


PLAYBOY: Sav. do you always do your 
own sew (This portion of the inter 
view also took place aboard a plane. As 
he answered the inte r's questions, 
Carter had been sewing a rip in his jacket 
with a needle and thread he carried 


with him.) 

CARTER: Uh-huh. (He bit off the thr 
with his teeth.) 

PLAYBOY: Anyway, you said earlier that 
your foreign policy would exemplify your 
moral and ethical standards. Isn't there 


ts much danger in an overly moralistic 


gmatic 
CARTER: I've said I don't think we should 


intervene militarily, but I see no reason 


policy as in the kind that is too pr 


not to expres our approval, at least 
verbally, with those nations that develop 
democratically, When Kissinger says, as 
he did recently in a 
is the sort of government that is most 


eech, that Brazil 


compatible with ours—well, that's the 


kind of thing we want to change. Brazil 


is not a democratic government; it 


military dictatorship. In many instances 
it’s highly repressive to political prison 
ers. Our Government should justify the 
character and moral principles of the 
American. people, and our foreign policy 


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should not short-circuit that for temporary 
advantage. I think in every 
we've done that it's been counterproduc 
tive. When the CIA undertakes covert 
activities that might be justified if they 
were peaceful, we always suffer when 
they're revealed—it always seems as il 
we're trying to tell other people how to 
act. When Kissinger and Ford warned 
Italy she would be excluded from NATO 
if the Communists assumed power. that 
was the best way to make sure Commu. 
nists were elected. The Italian voters re 


instance 


sent it. A proper posture for our country 
in this sort of situation is to show, through 
demonstration, th 
works properly, that democracy is adva 
tageous, and let the Italian people make 
their own decisions 

PLAYBOY: And what if the Communists in 
Italy had been elected in greater numbers 
than they were? What if they had actual 
ly become a key part of the Italian 
government 

CARTER: I think it would be a mechanism 
for subversion of the strength of NATO 
and the cohesiveness that ought to bind 
European countries together. The proper 
posture was the one taken by Helmut 
Schmidt, who said that German aid to 
Italy would be endangered. 

PLAYBOY: Don't you think that constitutes 
a form of intervention in the democratic 


t our own Government 


processes of another nation? 
CARTER: No, I don't. I think that when the 
democratic nations of the world express 
themselves frankly and forcefully and 
openly, that's a proper exertion of influ- 
ence, We did the same thing in Portugal. 
Instead of going in through surreptitious 
means and trying to overthrow the gov 
ernment when it looked like the min 
Communist Party was 
power, the NATO countries as a 
made it clear to Portugal what it would 
lose in the way of friendship, trade op. 
portunities, and so forth. And the Portu- 
guese people, recognizing that possibility, 
decided that the Communists should not 
lead their government. Well, that was le- 
gitimate exertion of influence, in my 
opinion. It was done openly and it was 
a mere statement of fact 

PLAYBOY: You used the word subversion 
referring to communism, Hasn't the world 
changed since we used to throw words like 
that around? Aren't the west European 
Communist parties more independent of 
Moscow and more willing to respect 
democrac 
CARTER: Yes, the world’s changed. In my 
speeches, I've made it clear that as far as 
Communist leaders in such countries as 
Italy, France and Portugal are concerned, 
I would not want to close the doors 
of communication, consultation and 
friendship to them. That would be an 
almost automatic forcing of the Com- 
munist leaders into the Soviet sphere of 
influence. I also think we should keep 
open our opportuni 
pean nations—even those that are com- 


10 assume 


group 


pletely Communist—to trade with us, 
understand us, have tourist exchange and 
give them an option from complete 
nation by the Soviet Union. 

But again, I don't think you could ex 
pect West Germany to lend Poland two 
billion dollars—which was the f 
the case of Italy—when Poland is part of 
the Soviet government's satellite and sup 
portivenation group. So I think the best 
way to minimize totalitarian influence 
within the governments of Europe is to 


domi 


ure in 


make sure the democratic forces perform 
properly. The major shift toward the 
Communists in Haly was in the local 
elections, when the Christian Democrats 
destroyed. their reputation by graft and 

on. If we can make our own Gov 


corr 
ernment work, if we can avoid future 
Watergates and avoid the activities of the 
CIA that have been revealed, if we can 
minimize 
will be a good way to lessen the inclina. 
tion of people in other countries to turn 
away from our form of government 

PLAYBOY: What about Chile? Would you 
agree that that was a case of the United 


joblessness and inflation, this 


"Dm just a human being 
like everybody else....I 
have different relationships 
with different kinds of 
people: sometimes very 
serious, sometimes very 
formal, sometimes 
lighthearted, sometimes 


intense, sometimes casual." 


States’, through the CLA, intervening im 
properly? 
CARTER: Yes 
Sure. 
PLAYBOY: And you would stop that sort of 
thing? 

CARTER: Absolutely. Yes, sir. 

PLAYBOY: What about economic sanctions? 
Do you feel we should have punished the 
Allende government the way we did? 
CARTER: That's a complicated question, 
because we don't know what caused the 
Tall of the Allende government, the mur- 
ler of. perhaps thousands of people, the 
incarceration of many others. I don't 
have any facts as to how deeply. involved 
we were, but my impression is that we 
were involved quite deeply. As I said, I 
wouldn't have done that if I were Pre: 
dent. But as to whether or not we ought 
to have an option on the terms of 
our loans, repayment schedules, interest 
charges, the kinds of materials we sell to 
them—those are options I would retain 


There's no doubt about it 


depending upon the compatibility of a 
foreign government with our own, 
PLAYBOY: To what do you attribute all 
those deceptions and secret maneuverings 
through the years? Why were they al 
lowed to happen? 
CARTER: It was a matter of people's. just 
saying, Well, that's politics; we don't 
have a right to know what our Govern: 
ment is doing: secrecy is OK; acceptin 
gifts is OK; excludi; the American 
people is OK. These are the kinds of 
things I want to change 

PLAYBOY: It sounds as if you're saying 
Americans accepted indecency and lies in 
their Government all too easily. Doesn't 
that make your constant campaign theme, 
invoking the decency and honesty of the 
American people, somewhat naive and 
ingenuous? 

CARTER: I say that the American people 
are basically decent and honest and want 
a truthful Government. Obviously, 1 
know there are people in this country, 
out of 214,000,000, who are murderers. 
There are people, maybe, who don't 
want a decent Government. Maybe there 
are people who prefer lies to truth. But I 
don't think it's simplistic to say that our 
Government hasn't measured up to the 
ethical and moral standards of the people 
of this country, We've had better gov 
ernments in the past and I think our 
s I've said many times, are just 
courageous and intelligent as 
200 years ago. I think we still 
have the same inner strength they had 
then. 

PLAYBOY: Even though a lot of people sup. 
port that feeling, many others think it 
makes you sound like an evangelist, And 
that makes it all the more confusing when 
they read about your hanging out with 
people so different from you in lifestyle 
and beliefs. Your publicized friendship 
with journalist Hunter 
makes no secret of his affinity for drugs 
and other craziness, is a good example. 
CARTER: Well, in the first place, I'm a hu 
man being. I'm not a packaged article 
that you can put in a little box and say 


Thompson, who 


“Here's a Southern Baptist, an ignorant 
Georgia peanut farmer who doesn't have 
the right to enjoy music, who has no flex 


ibility in his mind, who can't understand 
the sensitivities of an interpersonal. rela 

aship. He's gotta be predictable. He's 
be for Galley and for the war. He's 
gotta be a liar. He's gotta be a 

You know, that's the sort 
people tend to assume, and I hope it 
doesn't apply to me, And I don't sce 
any mystery about having a friendship 
with Hunter Thompson. I guess it’s some 
thing that’s part of my character and it 
becomes a curiosity for those who see 
some mystery about someone of my back 
ground being elected President. I'm just 
human being like everybody else. 1 
e different interests, different. under 
standings of the world around me, differ- 
ent relationships with different kinds of 


7 


PLAYBOY 


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people. 1 have a broad range of friends: 


sometimes very serious, sometimes very 


formal, sometimes lighthearted, sometimes 
intense, sometimes casual. 

PLAYBOY: So when you find yourself at a 
rock concert or in some other situation 
that seems at odds with your rural, re 
ligious background, you never feel a sense 
of estrangement? 

carter: None. No, I feel at home with 
em. 

PLAYBOY: How did you get to feel this 


way without going through culture shock 
CARTER: I have three sons, who now range 
from 23 to 29, and the oldest of them 


were very influenced by Bob Dylan in 


their attitudes toward civil rights, crimi: 


nal justice and the Vietnam war. This 
was about the period of time I was enter 
ing politics. I've been fairly close to my 
sons and their taste in music influenced 
my taste, and I was able to see the impact 


of Bob Dylan's attitudes on youn; 


people 
And I was both gratified by and involved 
emotionally in those changes of attitudes. 


Later, when I became ernor, 1 was 


acquainted with some of the people at 
n Records in Macon—Otis Red. 


ric 


ng and others. It was they v 
to meld the white and black m 


tries, and that was quite a sociological 


sic indus. 


1. So as I began to 


change for our reg 
travel around Georgia, I made contact 
1 few days every month or two with Cap: 
ricorn Records, just to stay in touch with 
people in the state 


the Allman 


and got to know all 


Brothers, Dicky Betts and 


others. Later on, 1 met Charlie Daniel 
and the Marshall Tucker Band 

Then I decided to run for President 
1 didn't have money and didn’t have 
ny political I had to depend 
ubstantially on the friends I already had 
One of my potential sources for fund 
raising and for recruiting young volun 
teers was the gr of recording stars I 


Already. knew. 5« began to have con. 


certs and I o know them even better 


Of course, I've also been close to the 


country-music folks in Ge ia, as well 


is the Atlanta Symphony Orchestra. ‘The 


from Robert Shaw, the music direc 


of the orchestra. We've been 
Grand Ole Opr 
to know people like Chubby Jackson and 
Tom T. Hall 

PLAYBOY: There's 
ibout your relationship with Dylan, whom 


er at the 
1 few times and gotten 
been a lot of publicity 


you quoted in your acceptance speech 


ut the Democratic Convention. How did 
that come about 

CARTER: A number of years ago, my sec 
ond son, Chip, who was working full time 
in our farming business, took a week olf 
during Christmas. He and a couple of his 
friends drove all the way to New York 
just to see Bob Dylan. There had been a 
heavy snowstorm and the boys had to 
park several miles from Dylan's home. It 
was after Dylan was injured, when he 
was in seclusion. Apparently, Dylan came 


to the door with two of his kids and she 


hands with Chip. By the time Chip got 


to the nearest phone, a couple of miles 
away, and called us at home, he was 
nearly incoherent. Rosalynn couldn't un 
derstand what Chip was talking about, so 
she screamed, “Jimmy, come here quick! 


Somethi 


happened to Chip! 

We finally deciphered that he had shak 
en Dylan's hand and was just, you know 
very carried away with it. So when I read 
in, I 
wrote him a little personal note and 


that Dylan was going on tour ag 
asked him to come visit me at the gover 
nors mansion. I think he checked with 
Phil Walden of Capricorn Records and 
Bill Graham to find out what kind of guy 
is this, and he was assured I didn't want 
to usc him, I was just interested in his 
music 

The night he came, we had a chance to 
talk about his music and about changing 
times and pent-up emotions in young 
people. He said he didn't have any in 


dination to cha the world, that he 


wasn't crusading and that his personal 
feelings were apparently compatible with 
the yearnings of an entire generation. We 


‘Tve been fairly close to my 
sons and their taste in music 
influenced my laste,and I 
was able to see the impact 
of Bob Dylan's attitudes 


on young people." 


also discussed Israel, which he had a strong 
interest in, But that’s my only contact 
with Bob Dylan, that n 
PLAYBOY: That brings us back to the rea 


on so many people find it hard to get a 


handle on you: On the one hand, your 
association with youth culture, civil rights 
and other liberal movements; and on the 
other, your apparent conservatism on 
many issues, Would you care to put it in 
à nutshell for us 


CARTER: I'll try. On human rights, civil 


rights, environmental quality, 1 consider 


myself to be very liberal, On the manage 


ment of government, on openness of gov 
ernment, on strengthening individual 
liberties and local levels of government 
I consider myself a conservative. And 
I don't sce that the two attitudes are 


incompatible 
PLAYBOY: Then let's explore a few more 
issues, Not everyone is sure, for instance 
what you mean by your call for tax re 
form. Does it mean that the burden will 
shift to corporations and upper-income 


s and away from the middle- and 


lower-income groups, or are you talking 


merely about a simplified tax code 


CARTER: It would involve both. One 
cha 


ge I'm calling for is simplification 
and the other involves shifting the income 
tax burden away from the lower-income 
families. But what I'm really talking about 
is total, comprehensive tax reform for thc 
first time since the income tax was ap 
proved back in 1913, I think it was 

It’s not possible to give you a defini 
m any time 


soon. It’s going to take at least a year 


tive statement on tax ref 


before we can come up with a new tax 
structure. But there are some general 
provisions that would be instituted. that 
iren't there now. The income-tax code 
which now comprises 40,000 pages, will 
be greatly simplified. Income should be 
taxed only once. We should have a true 
progressive income tax, so that the high 
er the income, the higher the percentage 
of taxation, I see no reason why capital 
gains should be taxed at half the rate of 
income from manual labor. I would be 
committed to a great reduction in tax 


incentives, loopholes or whatever yc 
want to call them, which are used as 
mechanisms to solve transient. economic 
problems; they ought to be on a basis of 
annual appropriation or a time limit 
rather than be built into the tax structure 

In any case, these 
that would be drar 
what we presently have and they should 


€ five or six things 


atic departures from 


tell you what side of the issue I stand on 
PLAYBOY: Would one of those be increa 
ing taxes for corporations, especially thc 
overseas and domestic profits of multi 
national corporations: 

CARTER: No, I don't think so, Obviously 


there have been provisions written into 


the law that favor certain corporations, 
including those that have overseas invest 


ments; I would remove those incentives. 


Fax laws also benefit those who have 
the best lobbying efforts, those who 


have the most influence in Washir 


n 
and the larger the corporations are, on the 
iverage, the smaller proportion they pay 
in taxes. Small businesses quite often pay 
the flat maximum rate, 48 percent, while 


some larger corporations pay as little as 


five or six percent. That ought to be 
changed. 

But as far as increasing over-all corpo: 
rate taxes above the 50 percent level, 1 
wouldn't favor that. We also have the 


circumstance of multinational corpora 


tions’ depending on bribery as a mecha 


nism for determining the outcome of a 


sale, T think bribery in rnational af 


fairs ought to be considered a crime and 
punishable by imprisonment 

PLAYBOY: Would you sympathize with the 
inticorporate attitude that many voter 
feel? 

CARTER: Well, I'm not particularly anti 
corporate, but I'd say I'm more oriented 


to consumer protection. One of the thin 


I've established throughout the campa 
is the need to break up the sweetheart 
irrangement between regulatory agencies 
ind the industries they regulate 


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PLAYBOY 


B4 


is the need for rigid and enthusiastic en- 
forcement of the antitrust laws. 

PLAYBOY: To take another issue, you favor 
a comprehensive Federal health-care sys- 
tem. Why don't you just support the 
Kennedy-Corman bill, which provides for 
precisely that? 

CARTER: As a general philosophy, wherever 
the private sector can perform a function 
as effectively and efficiently as the Gov- 
ernment, I would prefer to keep it within 
the private sector. So I would like the 
insurance aspect of the health program 
to be carried out by employer/employee 
contribution, There would be contribu 
tions from the general fund for those who 
are indigent. | would also have a very 
heavy emphasis on preventive health care, 
since I believe most of the major afllictions 
that beset people can be prevented or 
minimized. And I favor the use to a great 
er degree of nonphysicians, such as nurses, 
physi assistants, and so forth. Some 
of these things are in conflict with the pro- 
visions of the Kennedy-Corman bill. 
PLAYBOY: Let us ask you about one last 
stand: abortion 

CARTER: I think abortion is wrong and T 
will do everything 1 can as President to 
minimize the need for abortions—within 
the framework of the decision of the 
Supreme Court, which I can't change. 
Georgia had a more 
proach to abortion, which I personally 
favored, but the Supreme Court ruling 
suits me all right. I signed a Georgia law 
as governor that was compatible with the 
Supreme Court decision 

PLAYBOY: You think it’s wrong, but the 
ruling suits you? What would we tell a 
woman who said her vote would depend 
on how you stood on abortion? 

CARTER: If a won 
life is to have unrestricted abortions, then 
she ought not to vote for me. But she 
wouldn't have anyone to vote for 
PLAYBOY: 
tively few women in important staff posi 
tions in your campaign. Is that accurate? 
CARTER: Women have been in charge of 
our entire campaign effort in Georgia 
and in New York State outside New York 
City, Also in Nebraska, 
the state of Florida and other areas. 
PLAYBOY: But whenever we hear about a 
meeting of top stalf members, they almost 
always seem to be white males. Is that a 
failing in your organization? 

CARTER: | don't know about a failing. The 
three people with whom I consult regu- 
larly—in addition to my wife—are white 
males: Hamilton Jordan, Jody Powell and 
Charles Kirbo. But we do have a lot of 
women involved in the campaign. We are 
now setting up a policy committee to run 
a nationwide effort to coordinate Demo: 
cratic races and 50 percent of the mem. 
bers of this mittee will be women. But 
Jody has been my press secretary since 
1970, and Hamilton and Kirbo were my 
major advisors in 1966. It's such an ex- 
tremely stable staff that there's been no 


ns" 


conservative ap- 


in's major purpose in 


There seem to have been rela 


Kansas, a third of 


turnover at all in the past five or six ye 
But we've made a lot of progress, I think, 
in including women, and I think you'll 
see more. 
PLAYBOY: You mention very frequ 
how much you count on your wil 
vice. Isn't there a strain during the cam. 
paign, with the two of you separated so 
much of the time? 
CARTER: Well, when I was in the Navy, I 
was at sea most of the time and I'd see 
her maybe one or two nights a week. Now, 
when I'm home in Plains, I sce her almost 
every night, And if I'm elected President 
VH see her every night. So there is obvi 
ously a time to be ether and a time to 
be separated. If you're apart three or four 
days and then meet again, it's almost— 
for me, it's a very exciting reunion. I'll 
have been away from Rosalynn for a few 
days and if I see her across an airport 
lobby, or across a street, I get just as ex 
cited as I did when I was, you know, 30 
years younger. 

We have a very close, very intimate 


sharing of our lives and we've had a tre- 
ification of our life's pur 


poses in politics. Before 1966, she and 1 


mendous miy 


“I just look at death as not 
a threat. It's inevitable, and 
I have an assurance of 
eternal life... .I don't say 
that in a mysterious way; I 
recognize the possibility of 
assassination. ... But I 


just don't worry." 


were both very shy. It was almost a pain 
ful thing to approach a stranger or make 
a speech. It’s been a mutual chang 
gone through, because we both felt it 
was worth while; so no matter what the 


outcome of the election, the relationship 
between Rosalynn and me 
precious 

PLAYBOY: Did you both have the 
share of troubles adjusting to mar 
CARTER: We did at first. We've come to 
understand cach other much better. I 
was by far the dominant person in the 
but not any 


will be very 


usual 


marriage at the beginning. 
more. She's just as strong, if not stronger 
than P am. She's fully equal 10 me in 
every way in our relationship. in making 
business decisions, and she makes most of 
the decisions about family affairs. And 
I think it was a struggle for her to 
achieve this degree of independence and 
personal relationship. 
o we had a lot 
is, particularly— 


equality in our 
So, to summarize 
of quarrels—none seri 
but now we don't. 


ycars a 


PLAYBOY: A lot of marriages are foun- 
dering these days. Why is yours so 
successful? 

CARTER: Well, I really love Rosalynn more 
now than I did when I married her. And 
I have loved no other women except her 
I had gone out with all kinds of girls. 
sometimes fairly steadily, but I just never 


cared about them. Rosalynn had been a 
friend of my sister's and was three years 
younger than I, which is a tremendous 
school years. She was 

gnificant little girls 
around the house, Then, when I was 21 
and home from the Navy on leave, I 
took her out to a movie. Nothing extraor- 
dinary happened, but the next mornin 
I told my mother, “That's the girl 1 want 
to marry.” It’s the best thing that ever 
happened to me. 

We also share a religious faith, and 
the two or three times in our married 


chasm 


just one of those 


life when we've had a serious crisis, I 
think that’s what sustained our marriage 
and helped us overcome our difficulty 
Our children, too, been a factor 
binding Rosalynn and me together. After 
Amy came along late and it's 
been especially delightful for me, maybe 
because she's a little girl 

PLAYBOY: This is a tough question to ask 
but because it's been such a factor in 
American political life, we 
you've ever discussed with Rosalynn the 
possibility of being assassinated. And, as 
suming you have 


have 


the. boys, 


wonder if 


how do you deal with 
it in your own mind? 

CARTER: Well. in the first place, I'm not 
afraid of death. In the second place, it's 
the same commitment I made when I 
volunteered to go into the 
force. I accepted a certain degree of dan 
ger when I made the original decision, 
then I didn't worry about it anymore. It 
wasn't something that preyed on my 
mind; it wasn't something I had to reassess 
every five minutes, 
ment of danger in running for President. 
borne out by statistics on the number of 
Presidents who have 


submarine 


There is a certain ele 


been attacked, but 
I have to say frankly that it’s something 
I never worry about 

PLAYBOY: Your first answer was that you 
don't fear death. Why not? 

CARTER: It's part of my religious belief. 1 
just look at death as not a threat. It’s in 
evitable, and I have an assurance of 
eternal. life. is no feeling on my 
part that 1 have to be President, or that I 
have to live, or that I'm immune to dan 


There 


ger. I's just that the termination of my 


physical life is relatively in 
my concept of over-all existence 


gnificant in 
I don't 
1 reco; 


say that in a mysterious way 


the possibility of assassination, B 
guess everybody recognizes the possibility 
automobile ac 
cidents, airplane accidents, cancer. 1 just 
don't worry 
PLAYBOY: 

that Johnson and Nixon both scemed to 


have gone a bit crazy while they were in 


of other forms of death 


Fhere's been some evidence 


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PLAYBOY 


the White House, Do you ever wonder 
if the pressures of the office might make 
anyone mentally unstable? 

CARTER: I really don't have the feeling that 
being in the White House is what caused 
Nixon's or Johnson's problems. Other 
Presidents have served. without. develop. 
ing mental problems—Roosevelt, "Tru 
man, Eisenhower, Kennedy, for instance 
As far as I've been able to discern, Pres 


ident Ford approaches—or avoids—the 
duties of the White House with equanim 
ity and self-assurance. 

I think the ability to accept oneself 
and to feel secure and confident, to avoid 
any degree of paranoia, to face reality 
these factors are fairly independent of 
whether or not one is President. The 
factors would be important if some 
were chief of police, or a schoolteacher, or 


ime 


ne 


a magazine editor. The pressure is great 
er on a President, obviously, than some 
but I think the 
ability to accommodate pressure is a per 


of the jobs I've describe 


sonal thing 

PLAYBOY: We noticed your crack about 
President Ford's avoiding the duties of the 
White House. Do you agree with Senator 
Mondale's assessment, when he said short 
ly after the nomination that Ford isn't 
lligent enough to be a good President? 
CARTER: Well, if you leave Mondale out of 
it, I personally think that President Ford 
sident 


is adequately intelligent to be 
PLAYBOY: And what about your Presi 
dency, if you're clected—will you have 
a dramatic first 1000 days? 

CARTER: | would hope that my Adminis. 
tration wouldn't be terminated at the 
end of 1000 days, as was the case with one 
administration. I'm be 
with key leaders of Cor 
n to implement the Dem 
form commitment. If I'm elect 


ng to meet 


ress to evolve 


specific le 


ocratic pl 
ed, there will be no delay in moving 
aggressively on a broad front to carry out 
the promises I've made to the American 
people. I intend to stick to everything I've 
promised, 

PLAYBOY: Thanks for all the time you've 
given us. I lentally, do you have any 
problems with appearing in rrAvnov? Do 


you think you'll be criticized 
CARTER: I don't object to that at all. I 
don't believe FII be criticized. 

(At the final session, which took place 
in the living room of Carter's home in 
Plains, the allotted time was up. A press 
aide indicated that there were other ap 
pointments for which Carter was already 
late, and the aide opened the front door 
while amenities were exchanged, As the 
litor stood 


interviewer and the PLAYWOY 
at the door, recording equipment in their 
arms, a final, seemingly casual question 
was tossed off. Carter then delivered a 
ló k 

intensity as he made his final points. One 


g, softly spoken monolog that grew in 


of the journalists signaled to Carter that 
they were still taping, to which Carter 
nodded his assent.) 

PLAYBOY: Do you fecl you've reassured 


people with this interview, people who 
are uneasy about your religious beliefs 
to make a 


who wonder if you're gc 
rigid, unbending President? 
CARTER: I don't know if you've been to 


Sunday school here yet; some of the press 


has attended. | teach there about every 
three or four weeks. It's getting to be a 
real problem because we don't have 
room to put everybody now when I 
teach, I don't know if we're 


ing to 
have to issue passes or what, It almost 
destroys the worship aspect of it. But 
we had a good class last Sunday. It's a 
good way to learn what I believe and 
what the Baptists believe 

One thing the 
onomy. | don't accept. any 


aptists believe in is 


complete a 
domination of my life by the Baptist 
Church, none. Every Baptist church is 
individual and autonomous. We don't 
accept domination of our church from the 
Southern Baptist Convention. The reason 
the Baptist Church was formed in this 
country was because of our belief in ab. 
solute and total separation of church and 


“T’ve looked ona lot of 
women with lust. I've 
committed adultery in my 
heart many times. This is 
something that God 
recognizes I will do and God 


forgives me for it." 


state. "These basic tenets make us almost 
unique. We don't believe in any hier 
archy in church. We don't have bishops. 
Any officers chosen by the church are 
defined as servants, not bosses, They're 
supposed to do the dirty work, make sure 
the church is clean and painted and that 
sort of thing. So it’s a very good, demo. 
cratic structure. 

Whe 


church and they went, too, But when 


my sons were small, we went to 


they got old enough to make their own 


decisions, they decided when to go and 
they varied in their devoutness. Amy real 
to church, be 


ly looks forward to goir 
cause she gets to see all her cousins at 
Sunday school I never knew anything 
except going to church. My wife and 1 


were born and raised in innocent times. 


The normal thing to do was to go to 


church 

What Christ taught about most was 
pride, that one person should never think 
he was any better than anybody else. One 


of the most vivid stories Christ told in 
one of his parables was about two people 
who went into a church. One was an offi 
cial of the church, a Pharisee, and he 
said, "Lord, I thank you that Fm not 


like all those other people. I keep all you 
commandments, I give a tenth of every 
thing I own. I'm here to give thanks for 


making me more acceptable in your sight 
The other guy was despised by the n 
tion, and he went in, prostrated himself 
on the floor and said, "Lord, have mercy 
on me, a sinner. I'm not worthy to lift 
my eyes to heaven.” Christ asked the d 


ciples which of the two had justified his 
life. The answer was obviously the one 
who was humble 

The thing that's drummed into us al 
the time is not to be proud, not to be 
better than anyone else, not to look down 
on people but to make ourselves accepi 
able in God's eyes through our own ac 


tions and recognize the simple trut 


that we're saved by g 
gift through faith in Cl 
1 mechanism by which we can relate per 


acc. It's just a free 


ist. This gives us 


manently to God. I'm not speaking for 


other people, but it gives me a sense of 


peace and equanimity and assurance 


I try not to commit a deliberate sin. 1 


recognize that I'm going to do it any 


how, because I'm human and I'm tempted. 
^ 
standards for us. Christ said, "I tell you 


d Christ set some almost impossible 


that anyone who looks on a woman with 
lust has in his heart already committed 
adultery 

I've looked on a lot of women with 
lust. I've committed adultery in my heart 
many times. This is something that Gc 
recognizes I will do—and I have done 
it—and God forgives me for it, But that 
doesn't mean t 


at I condemn someone 


who not only looks on a woman with lust 
but who leaves his wife and shacks up 
with somebody out of wedlock 

Christ says, Don't consider yourself 
better than someone else because one gu 
screws a whole bunch of women while 


the other guy is loyal to his wife. The 


who's loyal to his wife ought not to be 
condescending or proud because of the 


relative degree of sinfulness. One thin 


that Paul Tillich said was that religion i 


a search for the truth about man’s exis 


ence and his relationship with G 
his fellow man; and that once you s 
searching and think you've 
t that point, you lose your rel 
stant reassessment, searching in 
heart—it gives me a feeling of confidence 

I don't inject these beliefs in my an 
swers to your secular questions 

€ clenched h 
shar 

But I don't think I would ever take on 


the same frame of mind that Nixon 


Johnson did—lying, cheating and dis 


torting the truth. Not taking into con 


sideration my hope for my strer 
character, I think that my religious belief 
alone would prevent that from happer 


ing to me. I have that confidence. 1 | 


it’s justified. 


When youre ready 
see the man who really 


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JIMMY, WE HARDLY KNOW YALL 


article By ROBERT SCHEER a southern odyssey: unguarded moments in the life, 


times and recent past of the most guarded presidential candidate in decades 


HANGING OUT 
WITH CARTER'S ACT 


When Carter i vinner—and 


the mar further from my 


cal beliefs u me of hi 
opponents; but I didn't w 
leave the political stage. It 
that he did, in fact, represent some new 
he coming disin- — needed force that 1 couldn't yet define 
n. The other but that somehow ought to have its day 
h and . 
t The feeling grew as I spent time with 
Carter, his family and hi 
months leadin 


ndily in Maryland 
well id in Orc 


retary J 


y 


manag Hamilton 


jle out into the mug 1. It looked like Carter was facin Jordan, speechwriter Pat rson and 
" orgia, a mo as Ister Pat Caddell t fit the 
of build p^ Haldeman, Ehrlichman and. Mitch 
seem like 200 j ell stereotypes. They are effec 
all taking pictures of Jim tive packagers, but worries 
my's Central Ca 1 ibout the palace guard throw 
Miss Lillian ing up the 


He MN White He 
m s 
late 
l if 
h is } n just being 
is with a James Earl Carter by too much 
performance Southern exotica, but 
The ambiguity that one s something raw, sponta 


about Carter ind physical about the 
n around Carter that puts a 


limit on their malleability and op: 


portunism. It causes them to fuck up 


On onc 


PLAYBOY 


92 


made a fine wireservice story: Carter's 
press secretary, a former football player, 
wipes up the street with some local 
toughs. Nan managed to cool him down, 
but it was clear to me that in that 
moment, Jody had stopped being a poli 
ticia 
and Pat Anderson got into a hassle with 
ls over a rented car. Again, 
ger while the next Presi 
dent of the United States cooled his 
heels, waiting for Pat to show up with a 
draft of his acceptance speech 

One of Jody's more useful funct 
the campaig 
can have been born in a small Southern 
town, be a Baptist, serve for six years 
Carter's closest aide and still not be tight 


's aide. On another occasion, Jody 


some loc 


shouts and a 


ns on 


1 is to serve as proof that one 


as 


assed. Add to that Anderson, who has 
written a novel called The President's 
Mistress, Caddell, hip and fresh out of 
ld Rafshoon, his media 
r and something of à carouser, Greg 


Cambridge, G 


ady 
Schneiders, a onetime Washington res 


taurateur who is Carter's administrative 


issistant—and it becomes clear that 
Carter has not applied his concern with 
the Ten Commandments to the bel 


of his staff. They are, at least some of 


vior 


them, as hard-drinkin| 
smoking, freethinking 
gher politics 

Here's an exchange 1 taped with 
Hamilton Jordan 


fornicating, pot 


a group as has 


been seen in hi 


Q Given the purity this campaign 
has projected, 1 find it odd that few 
of you guys go to church, that you all 
drink and mess around and some of 
you even smoke dope. Isn't there a 
contradiction? 

^. No, Jimmy's not self-righteous. 
He's very tolerant. If he weren't, he 
just wouldn't have people like me 
d Jody and Rafshoon around him. 


Q. So when you're with him, you 


don't feel like you're with your Sun 
dayschool teacher? 

^. No, 1 don't feel that way. I'd 
never expect him to tell me how I 
should act. If. people are concerned 
about his trying to foist his personal 
views on other people or that he 
somehow expects others to follow 
some rigid code he adheres to—well 
thats just not him. He obviously 
hasn't made us change our way of 
living, He differentiates his personal 
and religious views from his actions 
as a political official. Look, all the 
«ddamned 
concerned about Jimmy's religion 
were early supporters of Martin 
Luther K Jr. His forum was 
Southern 


same people who are so 


Baptist, too, but it hap 
pened to be black. This thing of 
Jimmy talking about religion was a 
result of the press's always bringing 
it up, not him. If you're in Boston 
politician, you try to 
get your picture taken with Cardinal 
Cushing. If you're in the South, 


and you're 


you're usually a Baptist and you go 
to church a lot. So? 


Once, during the early stages of the 
campaign, a couple of his aides who were 
married had met two women in the hotel 
lobby and were taking them to their 
rooms. The elevator stopped at a floor 
below theirs, the door opened—and in 
walked Jimmy and Rosalynn. Not a word 
was exchanged. The aides stared ner- 


vously at the ceiling of the elevator as 
the two ladies giggled nervously and 
nudged each other. I was told later that 
Jimmy never mentioned the incident to 
cither aide 
^ 

necdotes, At 
re anecdotes I've plucked out 


So much for reassuring 


least these 
myself, But a modern campaign doles 
out anecdotes like a priest dispenses 
Communion wafers. The pack of report 


ers covering the candidate is always in a 


holding pattern of desperate anticipa 
tion, each waiting to be singled out for 
anecdote 


the blessing of an exclusive 


This is because, during a campaign, a 


candidate is rarely going to say anything 


clear or provocative about anything im. 
portant and, as a result, "color"—which 
is really just the plural for anecdote— 
becomes all-important. When we came 
out of our last interview session with 
Carter, a U.P.L. reporter approached the 
assistant press secretary. The reporter was 
on the "body watch, 


plained to me, means that the candidate 


which, as it was ex: 


might croak or fart and if the reporter's 
not there to record it, his ass is on the 
line, The newsman knew we'd been in 
Hey, what 
iys ask him? I need one 
fter 


terviewing Carter and said 


did those g 


crumb—anything for my lead this 


noon—because I've got nothing so far." 


The aide took an insignificant comment 


from our interview and doled it out 


» let's take the “or ne 


sex" anec 
that Jody reserved especially for me. (Pre 


viously, I'd been given a Bob Dylan 


meets-Jimmy Carter anecdote, but it 
slipped out and ended up being printed 


elsewhere.) It seems that on a trip to 
Washington, then-Governor Carter, Raf 
shoon and a state trooper guarding the 


of 
the movie Lenny. During the perform 


governor all went to a screenir 


ance, the trooper kept snorting and 


poking Rafshoon about the language and 


some of the steamier scenes. Carter. just 


sat quietly, taking it in. When they got 


out, Rafshoon couldn't resist askir 


"Say, Governor, do they have oral sex in 
Plains?" 


Carter, after a pause, said 
they don't call it that.” 
Which is a nice thing to know about 


Yep. b 


Plains. But it’s safe to say that the anec 
dote was reserved for a writer from 
PLAYBOY and that Jody didn't offer it 
to, say, the people from Reader's Digest 
who preceded us that day. It served 


purpose: to telegraph to the "typical" 
PLAYBOY reader that Jimmy Carter is a 
regular guy. He may not use hip lan 
guage, but he has hip thoughts. The same 
purpose was served when he dropped 
that Dylan quote into his accep! 
speech at the convention—to do for the 


Dylan generation what a reference to 
Polish people did for those 5,000,000 
voters: tip them off that he was secretly 
one of them. 
Well, comp: 
hip. And there's no doubt the people 
around Carte uys, qui 
opposite from the cold technicians’ image 
that has frequently been attached to them. 
I'd buy a used car from Jody or Hamil 
ton—or from Jimmy, for that matter 
Alter all, what he wants is for me to have a 
car as good and decent and as full of love 
I deserve. I'm tired of cars and State De 
partments and CIAs that are lemons. But 
the trouble is that every time I feel good 
ibout the man, I can feel bad 20 minutes 


‘ed with Ford, Carter ix 


the 


are good 


later when I remember that Jody wanted 
Wallace above all others join Carter 
at the podium of the Democratic Con 


vention and that, sure enough, there was 


Hamilton clapping politely for various 


Democratic politicians as they we 


called up to the podium, then clappir 
enthusiastically when Wal 
was called. (From my conversations with 
Jody and Hamilton, I'm sure they were 


responding to a Southern outsider's hav 


ce's name 


ing his day at the convention and not to 


Wallace's racist reputation. But it still 
made me nervous.) 
So who is hustling whom? The prob 


ut. Carter 


lem is that one's judgments al 


we necessarily fragmented, because we 
have no sense of the depth of the man, of 
ts, He just cam 


to us a winner. Carter's people are good 


his experience and 


at their business, so good that they've 


managed to cover the hard and interest 


ing edges of the man. What we see is the 


packaging. The young men surrounding 


Carter let an occasional nu 


t drop for 


à particular constituency, then wrap him 


up again quickly, The manipulation of 


staged media events along with color 


results in lopsided opinion polls that will 
the White House 


but when you look closely, you end up 


probably carry him t 


confused. His more liberal aides, such as 
Peter Bourne and Mary King. will tell 
you that he is a closet progressive, as 


Roosevelt was when he first ran, and that 
he has withheld disclosure of his full pro 
he's in the White House 

whammo! Others, such as Charles Kirbo. 


gram: On 


1 more traditional politician, will conf 
to his friends that he's really a closet con 


servative. And so specula 


the man and Carter the President really 


on an appraisal of where his g 
feelings are coming from 


Reporters covering Jerry Ford or 
Ronald Reagan or Scoop Jackson soon 


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PLAYBOY 


for the “real” 
gner, because they realize 


stop looking 
hind the camp 
that if they should happen to find him, 
he would be boringly similar to the one 
But I have yet to 


meet à reporter who feels that way about 


person be 


they've seen all along. 


Carter. He is intriguing, ballli 
petually confounding. Even t 
One afternoon, I was visiting with 


z and per 
iis family 


Carter's sister Gloria and her husband, 


Walter Spann, in their farmhouse about 
five miles down the road from Jimmy's 
home. Carter had remarked during the 
that he felt closer to 


Gloria than to his evangelist sister, Ruth, 


Playboy Interview 


The remark confused me, because Gloria 
Jin 


motorcycles. anc 


c and outgoing—as to 


1y—and supported McGovern, drives 


doesn't seem to give 
much of a damn about her image. I had 
first met Gloria when I was over at Miss 
Lillian's, Carter's 
that Gloria wasn't giving interviews 
When Gloria walked in, I asked her if 
she'd make an exception. She shot me a 
I'm not talking to any 


reporters unless they have jeans, boots 


mother had told me 


look and said 


ind a beard." I had two of the pre 


requi: 
Look." I said. 


suit because I tho 


tes 
I'm only wearing this 
t that's what you do 


when you 
She la 


» calling on Southern ladies," 
ghed and said, "Well, I ain't no 
Southern lady, but you finish here and 


come by and see me and Walter. I'll give 
you some bourbon, but no interview." 

At the Spann home, as the three of us 
sat drinking 
the best of me and I started inqui 
shout Walter's political beliefs. He was 


even blunter than Gloria: It was none of 


my reportorial instinets got 


my business, he said, whom he preferred 


for President or if he voted at all. He 


idded, “I like it fine if you're over drink 
ing with us. but I don't want to be inter 
viewed, I'm a farmer, not a politician, 
Jimmy's the politician, 

Later, they became more talkative and 
let me take notes, Gloria said that she 
had always known Jimmy as a vibrant, 


idventuresome person. She said that as a 


child, he was given the nickname Hot by 
his father and that his sisters and brother 
still called him that privately. Hot 
seemed to fit Jimmy, she said, because he 
felt deeply and was always in a fevered 
rush to do significant things with his 
life. (The other family nicknames she 
mentioned seem appropriate as well 
Gloria, the family free spirit, was called 
G 


was Buck. And faith healer Ruth was 


» Billy, the self-conscious redneck 


Boopy Doop.) 
Glor 
Jimmy 


said it was "bunk" that Hot, or 


mld be considered cold, ruth 


less or unemotional. It was true that he 
had always taken himself seriously but 
that the political life had made him be- 
guarded. At this point, late in 
the boozy eve Walter broke in and 


said, "You reporters aren't going to get 


come more 


to know Jimmy 
He's been onstage ever since 1966, when 


because he's onstage. 


he ran for governor." 
To which Gloria added softly but with 
affection 


He's been onstage longer than 


that 
M one 


Carter, as 1 was fumbling with my tape 


int during the interview with 


recorder. 1 mentioned that my talk with 
Gloria had led me to believe he was a 
more relaxed and less mechanical person 
than he seemed on the campaign trail 
Was there going to be any time in his 
life for the sort of openness that Gloria 


described 


Sure," he said, "I've always lived that 
way. Listen, we're having a fish fry Satur 
day afternoon and you're welcome to 


me. We're 
We're going to « 


not inviti 
n my little pond and 
r fish out of there 
afterward. E think it 


people 


get some of the L 


uid then have a fr 


would be a 


good time for you to just see 


à typical incident in the life of the Plains 
community 


Two hours after I spoke with Carter, 


Jody invited the entire press corps to the 
fish fry 
the I 


another media event flashed around the 


The typical scene in the life of 


^ community turned into yet 


world by television, It was a mob scene, 


with reporters outnumbe locals four 


to onc. Carter looked about as relaxed as 


one of the flapping fish in the drained 


pond. 


But Carter does come from a deli, 
fully informal family. On one earlier 
occasion, Gloria and Miss Lillian had 
invited me te 


» along for supper at a 


local diner. Gloria had carefully pre 


pared two jars of liquid. refreshment 
one filled with Early Times bourbon and 
the other with water—so I "wouldn't get 
thirsty” on the way to dinner. While we 
were there, they playfully felt under my 
cout to see if I were wired for sound and 
became totally relaxed as they sipped on 


the bourbon and talked | irreverently 


about the foibles of people in Plains. 

The shame is, they get uneasy when 
they see how friendly and natural they 
come off in print. I hope Miss Lillian 
doesn't react to my description of her the 
way she responded to some of what's 
been published about her—and, my 
God, she does 


Here is Miss Lilli 


the media 


t a wonderful press. 


talking to me about 


Frankly, I don't like women inter- 
viewers. They're pushy, though one I had 
was just as sweet as she could be. Some 
of them. they freelance, and if what you 
say isn’t interesting, they touch it up a 
bit. That one girl wrote an article and 
she said I had a drink in my hand and I 
waved it around in the air. I never had 
a drink with anyone who was interview 
ing me. Never. If 1 offered you a drink, I 
don't know whether you'd write it down 
or not, because I don't trust anybody. I 


know its going to get worse and I'm 


prepared. I'm just kind of suspicious of 
à woman writer until I know where I 
stand. Most women are free-lancers, did 
you know that? I'm besieged by pub 
lishers and I just tell everyone that 
Gloria is going to write my story. She 
got all my letters and everything, isn 
that right, Gloria? 

But the afternoon of the fish fry, an 
other member of the family delivered 
an opinion on the press that was a bi 


less charming. 1 was on the porch, chat 


tin h Gloria and Walter. Jimmy had 
escaped from the other reporters and 
walked over to kiss Gloria on the cheek 
He shook Walter's hand, too, but ignored 


my presence. We had recorded a number 


of conversations by then and it was an 
awkward moment for me, given the fac 
that he'd invited me over to see him in a 
"relaxed" frame of mind. But what mad 


it even more awkward was that he began 
to speak about the press in unflattering 
terms to Gloria and Walter, as if I were 
not present 

Guess it’s hard for you to get away 


Walter. said. 


around. 


from all those reporters, 
They're like 


Carter paused in his munching of a 


gnats swarming 


catfish and replied, “The press people 


eat a fishbone and 


are afraid I'm g 


choke on it. They're afraid they won't 
have a picture when it happens" The 
tone wasn't bantering; it was more on 
the bitter side 

Now, it’s true that the body watch 
doesn't want to miss anything and that 


that can 


get depressing for a candidate 
But the press people hadn't climbed over 


any fences to get in—Carter had invited 


them because he wanted a folksy imag: 


of his fish fry beamed around the world. 


A part of Carter undoubtedly loves 
down-home fish fries. But another part of 
him wants to exploit the hell out of them 

And that’s the dilemma: He uses the 
process and gets consumed by it. He 
cares for his mother, but, as the 78-year 


old Miss Lillian told me, “When I 
back from India {she was with the Peace 


Corps]. Jimmy asked 


me to accept every 
engagement I could to 


That's wh 


single speakin 


help him get exposure 
plays up Gloria, the motorcycle rider, to 


1 bike-race audience in Or 
Ruth to church folk in South Dakota 


"That's why his son Chip will be sent off 


to attend a gay function in San Franc 


while Dad is addressing a meetin; 
black ministers (during which he pro 
nounces homosexuality “a sin’), 

It is not that Carter is shallow or 
exploitative but rather that he and his 


stall have consciously decided tc 


and thus to submit to—a process of cm 
paigning that is inherently shallow and 
exploitative. One realizes that Carter i 


capable of dealing with complicated 


thoughts, One also senses that he is a 
good man who cares for his family; that 


he has real roots; that he is serious about 


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PLAYBOY 


98 


THE ORIGINAL 


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fairly representing the Amer 
But it is a fact that his life in these past 
two years—and perhaps longer, as his 
sister suggests—has been one staged 
media event after another. 

Carter would probably admit to be 
ing onstage, to being packaged, and at 
times—when he becomes testy and stiff- 
necked—he seems to be grappling with 
the implications of this to his personality 
When I brought it up with one of his 
aides, 1 was told that that was the precise 
reason Carter insists on returning to 
Plains every weekend during the cam- 
paign, even if only for one night. But, as a 
result, Plains itself has become a stage 
prop that he has prettified for us 


an people. 


OFFSTAGE 


The town of Plains has by now be. 
come sticky with media hype. It's what 
one Manhattan friend calls cracker chic 
Residents and reporters alike have en 
tered into a conspiracy not to disillusion 
visitors. Among the locals, "We wouldn't 
do anythi 
the most co 
are caricatures. There is talkative old 
Miss Lillian, rocking her porch, a 
lovable interview junkie; brother Billy 
the redneck cracker; Rosalynn, the duti 
ful if uptight wife 


io hurt. Jimmy's chances" is 


mon refrain. What we have 


cousin Hugh, the 
genial worm farmer; Jimmy's father, 
James Earl Carter, Sr., who died in 1953 
and is rarely mentioned except to say 
that he had Old South (ie. racist and 
reactionary) ideas. 

But, of course, as is the case with 
Jimmy himself, the scene is more com 
plicated than that. Fewer solid col 
more gray. Southern rural life is no 
simpler than urban life. And if you 


throw in the extreme pressure of the 
civil rights years, probably tougher. The 
folksy, innocent f 


Plains may be convenient to the Carter 


le that. surrounds 


campaig 
Coincidentally, 1 had been through 
Plains 16 ycars ago and felt the tension 


but it simply rewrites history 


beneath the surface of this placid town. 
In 1960, L was driving through southwest 
Georgia with a group of people who 
wanted to integrate public facilities. I 
have a particular memory of a gas station 
in Americus where I st 
companion could deli 


ped so a white 
ately use the 


"colored" rest room. An ugly confronta 


tion ensued. 
Recently, I was riding around town 
with Walter and Gloria and 1 spotted 
what appeared to be the same gas station. 
I mentioned the 1960 incident to them 
and Walter said, "Did you do that? Hell, 
they should have blown your fool head 
off." I like Walter and I knew he was 
kidding. In fact, he's one of the few 


people around Plains who don't feel a 
need to ennoble the past. 

And that’s the point. Carter does. Just 
as the camp 


1 packaging prevents one 


from seeing his complexities, his toler 
and his tensions, so the whitewash 


ance 
ing of the past prevents one from 
studying his real roots. His family have 
become town characters with stereotyped 
pasts, and his own past, though somewhat 


more closely examined, becon 
folklore. But to 


complexity of real life, there is no better 


s a part of 


1 glimpse of the 


case study than the crucible the Old 
South went through to become the New 
South: the civil rights struggle 

. 


There are two roads at the ed 
Plains that meet at nearly right an 
One goes to ed farm called 


ard an integra 


Koinonia and the other leads to Ameri 
cus. Both places were sources of the main 
shock waves from civil rights that reached 
the Carter family 

Americus has been much discussed in 
the press. It was once one of the meanest 
1 the South, the scene of some of 
iest demonstrati 


towns 
the ug 
violence during 1963 and 1964, It was in 
Americus that Martin Luther King, Jr 
was jailed and told to sweep the floors 
Until not long ago, its bulletin boards 
displayed a letter from King “thanking 
the jailers for their hospitality, What 
Carter did and did not do as a moderate 


and a supporter of Lyndon Johnson has 
been raked over the coals, He did not 


speak out forcefully during the Sixties 


(and, indeed, 
during the worst disturbances) but paid 
his dues as his family and he were 
taunted 
campaign 
Plains 
But Koinonia is something else. It is 
a raw nerve to both Jimmy and Miss 
Lillian. It has not been raked over the 
coals, because it is hardly mentioned 
Koinonia was founded in 1942 by a pro 
gressive white couple named Clarence 


no position at all 


“nigger lovers" during L.B.].'s 
Americus is nine miles from 


ind Florence Jordan. It was a courageous 
attempt to show that an integrated com 
munal farm run on Christian principles 
was a possibility in the Old South. It is 
seven miles from Plains. 

When I questioned Miss Lillian about 
the Carters’ relationship to the farm, I 
“Why do 
napped 


caught a rare flash of a 


you want to bri 


“It’s over with. You'd just stir up some of 
the wilder people around here, and then 
nobody knows what will happen." 


The people who might stir-things up 
around Plains are the same ones who 
gave Miss Lillian and Gloria a hard time 
back in 1964, when they worked for 
Johnson's election at the Americus head 
quarters. "Children yelled at me," Miss 
Lillian recalled, "and threw things at my 
car because Johnson was what they 
called an N-I-G-G-E-R. L-O-V-E-R." Were 
they some of the same people who have 
turned to private schools to avoid int 
gration? "Some of them," she admitted. 


(continued on page 186 


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Hayden’ was wearing neckties, and kissing babies. So 1 was 
properly startled when Dub, an old Austin friend, telephoned 
me in New York to invite me:to a picnic, It seemed a long 
way to travel unless lie could throw.in a quilting bee or a big 
night of bingo over at the Elks: Lodge 

“This will’ not. be ‘your ordinary family picnic," “Dub 


TAL COS THAT 


PLAYBOY 


pledged. “There will be many thousands 
running around in varied stages of un- 
dress and craziness. There will be non- 
stop music, screwing in the bushes and 
19-year-old good things to eat.” 

There's a catch to it,” I said. “Con- 
gressmen and ex-Communists are gonna 
mike patriotic speeches from start to 
quit.” 

‘Severely untrue,” Dub said. “This will 
be an unfettered celebration of your basic 
freedoms. Free beer. Dope. Bonfires. Fist 
fights. T predict that four or five people 
will be killed in interesting ways." 

On that assurance, I was drawn to 
Willie Nelson's Third Ann Independ- 
ence Day Outdoor Brain Fry, Ball Break 
and Mixed Doubles Doping, Picking and 
Trashing Ejacorama. 

You can look around Austin and de- 
cide that the Sixties cultural revolution 
arrived on the Texas & Pacific several 
thousand trains late, Perhaps this is be- 
cause Sheriff L.B.J, effectively kept home 
fires doused even as Watts, Saigon and 
Gene McCarthy burned, Maybe it's only 
that Texans are as backward as their 
Oklahoma cousins claim, Some credit, or 
blame, Willie Nelson: Music, after all, 
is the prime reason for Austin's special 
ambience. The idlers and bums and 
dreamers-the creditcard revolutionar 
ies, cosmic cowboys, street urchins, fake 
rednecks and genuine shitkickers, crazy 
artists and writers—cannot get drunk or 
high unless guitars are thumping in their 
cars. One weary of the realities 
Grinning Jimmy, bankrupt cities, Solzhe- 
nitsyn's bullshit, the Watergate hang: 
over—may get lost in the music and hazes 
of 30-0dd clubs offerin 
costumed hustlers wearing everything 
from fey glitter to smelly brogans. There 
is a little something happening there, 
though it is neither Nashville nor Haight- 
Ashbury. Dodge City on acid, maybe 
Alamo H. Despite trouble defining it, VIL 
take Austin and give you Grand Rapids, 
Marvin Gardens and the Shore Line Rail 
road. That was my mind-set, at least, 
when I flew in for Willie Nelson's Brain 
Fry so full of airline hospitalities that I'd 
captained a sing-along among recalci 
trants in the firstclass cabin. As with 
New York, I always approach Austin im 
probably convinced that adventures both 
spiritual and carnal shall seize me and 
shake me and make my lights shine 

Dub appeared in the airline terminal 
wearing an Indian blanket, a dreamer's 
smile and an Abe Lincoln hat. Travelers 
competed to ignore him as he swayed in 
invisible breezes near the luggage count- 
er. "We're gonna have us several tons 
of fun," he prophesied, "unless we sober 
up or happen to get shot." Who, shot 
Dub told about last year’s picnic, when 
Billy Cooper ran such Independence Day 
fevers that he taught Dr. Jay D. Milner 
to dance. Cooper is Willie Nelson's chauf- 
amed for being found asleep in 
while the boss was being 


ive bands and 


feur, 
the back sea 


busted for drunk driving; Dr. Milner 
is Nelson's publicist, a self-described 5 
year-old groupie. Dub said, “They 
to fussing over 15 cents or cats or dogs 
or something. Anyway, Billy pulled out 
what he calls 
was a .2 


his ‘bidness'—I think it 
atomatic—and placed a few 
warmup shots in a spectacular pattern 


very near Jay's feet." Milner, a colle; 
professor before redneck rock beguiled 
him, remained intellectual enough to 
imitate Bojangles Robinson—the great 
Broadway tap dancer—all the way to 
Fort Worth and was not seen again until 
the Moon of the Cold Winds. 

Dub told about Gino McCoslin, the 
slick little promoter of Willie Nelson's 
Brain Fry, doing business for Crackerjack 
Productions, Gino once ran such a rowdy 
club in Dallas that lawmen appeared 
ach night with police dogs and to photo 
aph the customers. Gino considers that 
reaction was in the best traditions of 
civic spirit. "I didn't want to shoot their 
dawgs," he says, reasonably, "so I closed 
up." 

Willie Nelson himself had known ex 
periences with firearms, "When Willie was 
living in Nashville," Dub said, "one of 
Ray Price's fighting cocks kept molesting 
Willie's laying hens. Ray Price was im- 
portant to Willie, being a superstar who 
recorded a lot of Willie's original songs. 
Ray didn't pay much attention to Willic's 
complaints about the fighting cock, so one 
day Willie took a shotgun and wasted 
the booger. Well, Ray Price had a run- 
ning fit and said he'd never again record 
one of Willie's songs. And he hasn't. Wil 
lie says he reckons that shooting Ray's 
‘mean rooster’ didn't cost him but about 
560,000 and change." Lately, Willie had 
toted around a .357 magnum until a 
Dallas policeman talked him out of it 

Dub said, "Then there's Jerry Jell 
Walker. One time he 

I groaned. It was not necessary for 
Dub to inform me of Jerry Jeff Walker, 
aka. Dr. Snowflake, a.k.a. Jacky Jack 
Doubletrouble, a.k np Walker. He 
is the man who got reasonably rich off 
writing Mr. Bojangles, which Richard 
Nixon claims as his orite soi th 
gives Nixon and Walker something in 
having been born 


common besides the 
natural outlaws. Once I was hosting this 
sedate cocktail party at Princeton, see, 
for delicate literary types and their prop- 
er wives, when Jerry Jelf Walker—who'd 
been playing à club in New York— 
appeared very much unannounced, 
dressed like a buffalo hunter and looking 
like three months on field bivouac com- 
plicated by the blind staggers. Jacky Jack 
Doubletrouble proved that he was a nat- 
ural showman by immediately imitating 
the walks and lisps of sherrysipping 
academicians; he crashed about, step- 
ping on long gowns and howling for 
Lone Star beer. He asked a highly placed 
faculty wife her relative expertise in the 
cocksucking discipline and generally 


cleared staid old Maclean House as 
efficiently as a drunk spade with a switch- 
blade. He left in a snowstorm, at super- 
sonic speeds and in a rental car charged 
to my American Express card. The car 
was found abandoned in midtown Man- 
hattan, long on traffic tickets and short 
on operable parts. Jerry Jeffs explana 
tion was that he couldn't remember be- 
ing in a car that night. No, Dub need 
tell me but very little of Ole Scamp 
Walker 

But he was saying. “And after these 
rodeo cowboys beat Jacky Jack up—I 
mean stomped a mudhole in his ass—he 
lay there in a buncha broken furniture 
nd looked up through the blood and 
said, ‘Y'all ain't so fuckin’ tough. I been 
beat up worse than this by motorcycle 


gar 


g.” 


. 
Delicious paranoid rumors shivered 
through the Austin underground. In 
beer joints and dope dens, where locals 
» hear redneck r 
many dire predictions of shit storms. 
"They're gonna stop traffic for driver's 
license inspections as a way of holding 
down the crowd,” one heard, “Then 
they'll use that as an excuse to search 
cars for dope.” “They” were understood 
to be grim-jawed a 
enforcement units, reportedly half bon- 
kers at the prospect of maybe 100,000 
Independence Day outlaws invading Lib 
erty Hill—a small community 30 miles 
north of Austin—for 24 hours of assorted 
outra inst the bucolic calm. 
Liberty Hill's good burghers were sa 
to be recalling Altamont's stabbings. 
Brando's town-trashing Wild Ones, all 
the hairy freaks and bare asses and gen 
eral chaos of rock concerts or street 
theaters past. Willie Nelson's outdoor 
brain fry would simply flout the law more 
than the law could allow, Austin already 
having known its nasty dope-war shoot 
» and having a controversial sheriff 
who enraged the squares by refusing to 
hunt down anybody who occasionally 
sucked personal amounts of. marijuana 


ck, were 


congregate 


nts of Texas law 


Bes ag; 


Liberty Hill's county commissioner 
threatened a haltii a grand 
jury was rumored to have returned a 
sealed indictment against a big-name 


ton 


injunction; 


musical biggie said to tote around a 


ishing heaps of cocaine in a brown-paper 
bag: farmers and ranchers near the con 
cert site were reported to be erecti 


barricades they would reinforce with 


shotguns. Austin’s underground soldiers. 


Then along came an outlander, full 
of enough chemicals and wet goods to 
see very small profits in diplomacy, who 
id, “Bullshit, None of that bad karma 
is likely to come down.” Everybody glow 
cred and sputtered as if it had been sug. 


gested they get haircuts and jobs. The 
outlander persisted: "Too much money 
involved. Music's become economic 

(continued on page 108) 


“You can't sue me for malpractice! I'm not even a real doctor!” 


103 


MIST 


touted as a new marilyn monroe, misty rowe 


would rather create a legend of her own 


As showgirl, clown and 

resident sex symbol 

ision's country- 

ern classic 

“Hee Haw,” Misty livens 

up a washboard routine 
with Barbi Benton 

her close friend and 

a former program regular 

now often booked 

for guest shots. 


ANY RESEMBLANCE between Misty Rowe and Jean Harlow, Lana Turner or Marilyn 
Monroe can be traced to a purely intentional kind of alchemy that seldom occurs— 
except once in a while, in Hollywood, which has as many ravishingly beautiful 
blondes per square mile as any dreamworld this side of Shangri-La. But it takes more 
than shrewd press-agentry nowadays to turn a cute kid from Glendora, 

into a certified love goddess. To make her way through the cynical Seve 

slightly dim but divine sex object, a girl has to be smart, talented, resi 

hell of a lot tougher than the part she plays. Particularly when the biggest part she 
has played to date, offscreen and on, is that of Marilyn herself in Goodbye, Norma 
Jean—a profitable low-budget quickie that has almost nothing to recommend it 
except an affectingly honest, straightforward performance by Misty, who has spent 


106 


Sverything you see me wearing—or not wearing — 
is my own. I love lacy things, silk or satin 
next to my skin, stockings and garters. Most men 
hate panty hose—and I'm old-fashioned, too.” 


a good deal of time and energy recently doing promotional junkets on behalf of a 
film she says she'd rather forget. Her fee for remembering it, claim the disgruntled 
distributors, is usually in the neighborhood of $1500 a week. 

I make them pay me pretty well,” adds Misty with a melting smile, “because I 
was very disillusioned about this movie, though I believed in it completely in the 
beginning. We had no lighting, poor make-up, little or no direction, Now they want 
me to do a Norma Jean sequel. 1 tell them they'll have to have a much bigger budget 

Misty is miffed, in the second place, because she insists they faked a line of her 

log at the end of the movie. Norma Jean, after being mauled and degraded by 
ry cheap hustler in Hollywood, starts giving head to higherups and finally 
achieves the big screen test that's going to make her a (concluded on page 212 


Re-creating the famous 
nude calendar pose 
that made MM queen of 
the pinups, the star 

of “Goodbye, Norma Jean” 
tries a come-hither 

look against the same 

yet backdrop 

used by Monroe. Slight- 
ly faded now, she notes. 
Color her Misty. 


PHY BY SUZE RANDALL 


PLAYBOY 


TEXAS BRAIN FRY 


factor here, And Willie Nelson is the 
papasita, the grand old man, the Hem- 
ingway and the Moses and the Chet At- 
kins, Hell, children, don't you read the 
goddamn papers? Willie’s become a Texas 
folk hero second only to Darrell Royal! 
Darrell and Willie play golf and pitch 
washers and scarf Mexican food together 
three times a week. Willie played in con- 
cert with the Dallas Symphony and all the 
moneyed culture vi 
state legislature legi 
claiming Willie Nelson Day. Willie Nel- 
son hosted six Lone Star Cross Country 
Music Specials on television. Now, why, 
children, why They sulked over their 
pipes and bottles. “Why, children, because 
the big boys smell money. Ole Willie, he's 
becoming a business asset to Texas. These 
old thumb-bustin’ sheriffs and highway 
patrolmen you've been worrying about, 
they may not quote much poetry or bore 
you with small talk about international 
finance, but, by God, they've been bred to 
read the signs! You think a few snuff- 
dipping little ole peckerwood badge wear- 
ers are gonna buck the powers? Do you 
young semirevolutionaries honestly think 
the sheriff fucks with the Fords up in 
Detroit or the Johnsons over here in 
Johnson City? Why, hell, how you kids 
expect to overthrow anything if you don't 
recognize the nuances of elitism?” 

It's true. Not only is Willie Nelson 
welcome in the better homes, he has 
trouble getting arrested. When Texas law- 
men discover him driving with his 
eyes unusually aglow, he hands ‘em his 
latest album and a big country grin and 
goes on his way as free as Dred Scott. 
Probably he could beat on a tin lunch 
bucket with a rusty file, while calling 
up his hounds, and fawning music critics 
for Rolling Stone, Picking Up the Tempo, 
The Village Voice and others would pro- 
claim a new native Art Form awash in 
social significance. The fact that Willie 
may be the best thing since Bob Wills, 
Hank Williams or the butter churn is 
slightly irrelevant. The point is, Willie 
holds Texas in the palm of his hand. 
People even talk about his running for 
governor: pretty good for a former door- 
to-door salesman of Bibles, vacuum clean- 
ers and kitchenware. 

All of which is about half funny, Wil- 
lie Nelson being reputed as a member 
of a group of music makers loosely 
known as the Nashville outlaws. These 
are talents who never got accepted by the 
Grand Ole Opry or Nashville's glad- 
handing Record Row executives, because 
they failed to shave, wore earrings, ra- 
cially intermarried, smoked other than 
menthols, snorted rather than dipped or 
wrote and sang of more than calico 


108 visions, sweet fading mothers or honky- 


(continued from page 102) 


tonk angels. They were considered "po- 
litical,” people making statements in the 
discharge of their art and by their life- 
styles, all of which cut much against 
traditional country-and-western grains. 
Willie got discouraged, returned to his 
native Texas and saw something waiting 
to happen. 

Eddie Wilson booked Willie into his 
Armadillo World Headquarters in Aus- 
tin, where he gained quick acceptance 
among youthfuls who'd been raised on 
deafening doses of rock 'n' roll. As all 
intelligent adults know, your average 
rock-n-roll band is made up of hairy 
apes, rapists and transvestites, who, the 
moment they sing a single intelligible 
word or strike one pleasing chord, 
doom their careers. Rock was invented, 
and is promoted, by the hearingaid car- 
tel and serves no other use. Anyway. . . . 

Author Edwin "Bud" Shrake, perhaps 
Austin’s most persistent midnight cowboy, 
says, “I guess redneck rock or cowboy 
rock or progressive country—whatever 
you call it—got its start the night Willie 
Nelson blew everybody's mind at Arma- 
dillo about five years ago. Traditional 
country music had been around here 
longer than the Baptists, but it was a 
stepchild or even a i child. It was 
strictly for ‘necks and ‘kickers. There was 
a shame to it, sort of like having the 
itch. And if you had long hair and 
walked into a beer joint to hear live 
country bands, then you took the same 
risks as hunting tigers with a slingshot. 
Willie melded the dopers and the ropers.” 

When Armadillo was founded, in 1970, 
it depended on imported rock groups 
until Willie Nelson opened the door 
with his mixture of traditional country 
and progressive country licks. Soon Jerry 
Jeff Walker drifted to Austin from 
Florida, Billy Joe Shaver had come in for 
a while from Nashville, Michael Murphy 
arrived from North Texas State to put 
“cosmic cowboy” in the language, the son 
of an Austin professor unleashed himself 
as Kinky Friedman and the Texas Jew- 
boys. Music began to hear of Austin-based 
people named B. W. Stevenson, Doug 
Sahm, Milton Carroll, Steven Fromholz, 
Dee Moeller. Maybe in Nashville Willie 
Nelson was known only as a fine song- 
writer—Hello Walls, Crazy, Night Life, 
dozens and dozens—who sometimes tan- 
gled the fingers of studio musicians be- 
cause of his unusual phrasing and weird 
uses of meter. In Texas, however, up to 
100,000 were expected to pay $5.50 for 
advance tickets or $7.50 at the gate to 
suffer and sigh through his latest musical 
brain fry. We waited. 


E 
Jerry Jeff Walker was onstage at the 
Alliance Wagon Yard, passionately mis- 


quoting the poet Dylan Thomas. Possi- 
bly he wanted to recall the lines “Do 
not go gentle into that good night./Rage. 
rage against the dying of the light.” 
Walker's brain was not doing its best 
work, however, and he settled for repeat- 
ing "Rage . . . rage . . . RAGE against 
the goddamn dark." Several dozen times. 
People raged from the goddamn dark, 
urging Walker to permit the show to 
proceed; J. J., who was born with enough 
chips on his shoulder to make up a two- 
byfour, howled his own curses, along 
with demands for beer, pussy and nose 
candy. 

Dr. Snowflake was dressed in green 
shorts, a dingy T-shirt probably dis- 
advantaged by inferior Brand X appli- 
cations and tennis shoes; one had the 
impression he'd left the house on Sun- 
day morning to pick up a quart of milk 
and the newspapers and simply forgot to 
go back. Which is pretty much what Su- 
san Walker would claim when she 
tracked her husband down to remind him 
that he had an early flight to Nashville 
to oversee the mixing of his next album. 

"This was near the end of one of those 
perfect days when Jacky Jack had at- 
tacked assorted inanimate objects with 
swift kicks before tossing his color- 
television set into the swimming pool. 
Characteristic of his mood, he greeted 
me, “Hey, you pussy, you don’t know 
enough about country music to write it on 
my balls. Man, you don’t have no fuckin’ 
notion of what we're doing down here.” 
I murmured that possibly I might help 
him with his Dylan Thomas. Dr. Snow- 
flake selected from among random spec- 
tators a young woman, whom he shoved 
forward: “She ought to be writin’ the 
piece, not you. This gal's got answers 
where you don't even know any ques- 
tions, you ignorant piece of pigshit.” I 
began to suspect that perhaps I'd of- 
fended Jerry Jeff a night earlier, when 
he'd volunteered to be interviewed and 
I'd dismissed him on the grounds of not 
feeling like asking questions. "How the 
fuck's a asshole like you gonna write two 
paragraphs?" the good doctor now in- 
quired. I said, well, I currently had it in 
mind to stomp the eternal pluperfect dog- 
shit out of him personally and then write 
three pages about it. Dub and Bud 
Shrake moved in to lead Dr. Snowflake 
away before he could learn whether I 
fought any better than rodeo cowboys or 
motorcycle gangs. 

Gino McCoslin, official promoter, was 
reputed to be “proud crazy”; this I inter- 
preted as meaning he wouldn't do to 
mess with. He proved to be a bearded 
wiry little fellow who looked bigger and 
bigger once one realized that the metal 
stick of "bidness" in his belt appeared to 
be no worse than a first cousin to your 

(continued on page 206) 


ILLUSTRATION BY VINCE MORGAN 


article By JOHN B. TIPTON 


there are no short cuts to 
success in the market, but with 
a little sense and patience, 
you can reel in the loot 
without getting hooked 


Mosr PEOPLE who buy stocks expect to 
lose money, They may hope that they will 
beat the market, but their approach to 
investing in stocks converts odds that are 
in their favor into a game of chance dis- 
tinctly inferior to bingo. The first mis- 
take most novice stock-market operators 
make is to assume that the market is 
rigged by a mythic group of insiders who 
allow the little guy to win just often 
enough to assure a steady supply of play- 
ers to be fleeced. This illusion persists 
despite the disastrous record over the past 
six years of professional investors—those 
who manage millions or even billions of 
dollars of mutual-fund, pension-fund, in- 
surancecompany and bank assets. To 
whatever degree he does not subscribe to 
the conspiratorial theory, the average spec- 
ulator attributes the remainder of his 
failure—or someone else's success—to luck. 
"The attraction of these two theories, used 
singly or in combination, for the typical 
small investor is that they remove from 
him any onus of doing some real work and 
provide a convenient excuse for nis ulti- 
mate—and predictable—failure, 

As someone who has for years been 
responsible for investing tens of millions 
of dollars of other people's money, and, 
as such, has been able to command the 
advice of some of the best minds on Wall 
Street, I do not deny the advantage pos- 
sessed by very large institutional investors. 
"Their vast flow of brokerage commissions 
gives them access to a stream of informa- 
tion and ideas unquestionably superior 
to what the individual with limited cap- 
ital can expect. All that means, however, 
is that I, entrusted with the management 
of someone else's money, can get other 
people to do some of my work for me. 
You, concerned only with your own 
money, must do that work for yourself. 
It is not impossible. I intend to show you 
why it is not (continued on page 136) 


109 


Part two of a new novel 


fiction 
By RUSSELL H.GREENAN 


suddenly, a blazing figure appeared—a human torch, 
stumbling and staggering across the garishly lit room 


SYNOPSIS: When Arnold Hopkins, hip-pocket antique 
picker, closed a lucrative deal with Wilfred Sloan, a deal- 
er in Oriental art, he thought that, for once, he had it 
made. But before Hopkins could collect his money, Sloan 
was killed in a mysterious car crash. 

Desperate for money, Hopkins then sought out Barney 
Slocum, who offered him a chance to burglarize several 
places for a sizable cut. The first two jobs went smoothly; 
but the third, involving the Julians’ fifth-floor apartment 
in a building with an elaborate security system, almost 
put Hopkins permanently out of commission. 

From these jobs, Hopkins made enough money to ful- 
fill a lifelong dream to open his own store, if only he 
could get some extra cash to complete his stock. His 
friend Hogan Guilfoyle told him about a crazy guy, 
Felix Merendaro, who believed himself to be the Devil 
and was thus in the market for souls. Virgin ladies and 
altar boys were his preferences, but he would settle for 
less. At Merendaro's, after much discussion about origi- 
nal sin and free will, the Devil finally agreed to purchase 
Hopkins’ soul for $2000. 

With the money, minus Guilfoyle's ten percent com- 
mission, Hopkins opened his store, but business was 

_ painfully slow and he realized that he was headed for 

_ bankruptcy. Frantic, he again went to Guilfoyle. While 

he "was there, by a lucky mischance, Hopkins answered 

the dealer's phone and a Mrs. Crabtree, who thought she 

(0 was talking to Guilfoyle, asked him to come over and 

© | view her furniture for sale. Hopkins was delighted to 
oblige. 

The antiques were magnificent and the price fair. 
However, Mrs. Crabtree, a frail-looking woman in her 
70s, turned out to be a crafty master swindler, When 
Hopkins returned to collect his pieces, he discovered that 


ILLUSTRATION BY KINUKO Y, CRAFT 


PLAYBOY 


112 


Tyrone, Mrs. Crabtree’s bulletheaded 
son, had driven off with his merchandise. 
Only by grabbing Mrs. Crabtree's purse 
did he manage to recover his money. 

Meanwhile, his cousin, Maurice Fitz- 
james—to whom he bore an uncanny r 
semblance—had heard about Hopkins’ 
light-finger work and tantalized him with 
the prospect of breaking into the Ramsay 
house, which was inhabited by three 
veiled sisters and filled with half a mil- 
lion dollars’ worth of art and other 
valuables. 

By a lucky quirk of fate, the mansion 
was next door to Mrs. Dunlap's rooming 
house for well-to-do ladies on Common- 
wealth Avenue. Hopkins did odd jobs 
for Mrs. Dunlap, who, in turn, sold him 
furniture at low prices when one of her 
tenants died. Using the excuse that he 
had visiting relatives, he rented her va 
cant basement apartment. His plan was 
to break into the Ramsays’ by knocking 
out part of a basement wall, After weeks 
of work, removing the wall brick by 
brick, Hopkins entered the Ramsay base- 
ment and noted that the house above was 
as quiet and ominous as a mausoleum. 


WHEN 1 TOLD MAURICE, he was 
“Tuesday? What time?” he asked 

"Around two A.M—which is when 
people are in their deepest sleep,” I said 

“And you're entering by a window?" 

“No, I'm going to slip under the front 
door," I replied mordantly. "Stop pump- 
ing me for trade secrets. If you want to 
learn how it's done, pull a few capers 
yourself, Maurice." 
Not me, thanks. Still, I ought to have 
some idea of what's going on." 

"Why?" 
d feel more comfortable, that’s why. 
Hey, I hope to hell you're not carrying 
anything lethal. I don't want to be 
volved in mayhem, Arnold." 

"Neither do I. Call me Wednesday 
afternoon 

"OK," he answered. “Good luck.” 

“Thanks,” I said dryly, and hung up. 

. 

I bought six strong sailcloth laundry 
s at Central Surplus Tuesday morn- 
ing and it was my firm intention to fill 
them all with loot that night. I hoped I 
might even fill them more than once. 

About 11 that night, I returned to my 
basement apartment on Commonwealth 
Avenue, where I settled in the maple 
armchair and read from a history of the 
Rothschild family for a couple of hours. 
At 1:30, I got up, changed into dark 
clothes and sneakers and switched the 
lamp off to condition my eyes to the 
darkness. I was edgy but only moderately 
so. Ten minutes later, I donned cotton 
gloves, crawled into the hole with my 
laundry bags, unfastened the plywood 
panel and, cool as Labrador, entered the 
joining basement. 
All was gratifyingly quiet. Wan shafts 


ager 


of light filtered in from the alley win 
dows, though they supplied litle real 
illumination. Having learned something 
from my nasty experience at the Julians’, 
I covered my head and face with a black- 
nylon-stocking mask. It was tight, how- 
ever, and I had to yank the fabric a bit 
before I was able to breathe through my 
nose. 

I put a bag in each hip pocket, left 
the remaining four in the tunnel and 
started groping toward the alley door 
When I reached it, I threw the bolt 
Then, using the one tool I was carrying, 
an eightinch screwdriver, I splintered 
nd gouged the wood around that part 
of the frame. The police would expect 
evidence of forced entry. I wanted to en- 
sure that they weren't disappointed— 
, they might decide to sound 


otherw 
the walls. 


Back through the shadows I crept, 
located the stairs and boldly ascended 
them. The door opened easily. A whiff 


of warm, faintly scented air hit my nos- 
trils. I looked in and perceived a p 
try and a kitchen at the end of a narrow 
hall. In the other direction, toward the 
front of the house, there were two door- 
ways covered by portieres. It was for 
these that I headed, moving noiselessly 
along a hall runner as thick as the turf 
on a putting green. 

The first door led to a walnut-paneled 
dining room. From its lofty ceiling a 
great chandelier descended, its drops and 
prisms gleaming like diamonds in the 
gloom. Most of the furniture was Regency 
mahogany—venerable, dignified, Parke- 
Bernet-type merchandise, A magnificent 
sterling tea service, the salver of which 
alone was worth $1000, sat in the center 
of the long table, while on the sideboard, 
there were four intricately cut glass de 
canters in a silver tantalus, a marvelous 
satinwood tea caddy and a samovar that 
was so lovely it must originally have be- 
longed to a Romanov. 

Anxious to view everything before 
making my selection, I let the portieres 
fall and hurried to the next door, This 
opened onto a parlor—a huge but well- 
proportioned room with stately pilasters 
and faint-blue figured wallpaper. 

My eyes darted from one prodigy to 
another—two bronze nudes that could 
have come from Pompeii or Herculane- 
um, a beehive clock, a whatnot packed 
with copper and silver lusterware, six fan 
tastic girandoles, a carved jade casket, 
18th Century chair-back settee, a tulip- 
wood teapoy—and much, much more. 

As breath-taking as these articles were, 
however, it was the paintings that really 
caused my heartbeat to quicken. The 
walls were lined with them and the ma- 
jority were small enough to be easily 
whisked away. Mentally grouping them 
in tens, I counted nearly 100—land- 
scapes, classical subjects, marines, still 


lifes, portraits, military and hunting 
scenes—and, with few exceptions, they 
were all oils. 

Smothering a desire to run about 
snatching works of art with both hands, 
I traversed the parlor and passed under 
a Gothic arch into a spacious vestibule 
On my right lay the principal staircase; 
on my left, the front door. I paused 
held my breath and listened intently— 
but no sound reached my ears. 

While I was pondering a small model 
of what appeared to be a submarine, a 
peculiar flickering movement among the 
shadows back of the desk caught my eye. 
I went to investigate. The source of the 
flickering was a low doorway sandwiched 
between two sections of the shelving 
Stepping through it, I found myself in a 
tiny chapel. An immaculate white-marble 
altar was wedged in one end of this 
sanctum, and on it there rested a pair 
of silver-framed photographs. The sub- 
jects of these pictures were a matronly 
woman and a middle-aged man wearing 
horn-rimmed spectacle: 

I guess if you sneak into people's 
homes at odd hours, you can expect to 
encounter a few queer sights. All the 
same, it was a shock to my system. D. 
void of windows, low-ceilinged, stifling— 
the place might have been a sepulcher in 
a catacomb, And the old guy on the altar 
didn't enliven it much, either, because 
his expression was as grim as a. Baptist 
preacher's in Las Vegas on. New Year's 
Eve. I had a spooky feeling he actually 
sensed what I was up to. 

Shaking off these silly f 
ever, I again set my mind to business. On 
the wall, I noted a little painting in a 
thick, carved frame. Depicted were a 
couple of women in hooded cloaks, em- 
bracing on the threshold of a house. 
One of them had a halo around her head 
It had to be early Italian—14th or 15th 
Century, at least. The blues and reds 
were brilliant, like ceramic glazes. I fell 
in love with the picture instantly. Mu- 
seum quality it was, beyond a doubt. I 
lifted it off the wall and shoved it under 
my jacket, murmuring to myself, "A 
very pror beginni 

In the library, behind an atlas, there 
w mulberry tiled fireplace, above 
whose green-marble mantel hung a dusky 
round mirror like a Cyclops’ eye. For a 
moment, I contemplated my own bi- 
zarre image in this glass—then I saw 
something in back of me that made my 
stomach suddenly convulse and my blood 
cong: 

On entering the library, I had noticed 
a closed door opposite the pedestal desk 
and supposed it led to the next room 
down the hall. Now that same door was 
visible to me in the dusky mirror, only 
it wasn't closed anymore. It stood ajar 
some six or eight inches and protruding 

(continued on page 118) 


cies, how- 


“I don’t know who to thank, but one or more of you gives great head!” 


113 


ze) 
"E 


É SWEATER 


Below: More snap deci- 
sions, this time wearing, 
left, a belted sweater 
coat, by Corara, $90, 
over a striped crew- 
neck, by Jockey, $23; 
polyester/cotton shirt, 
by Courage for Eagle, 
$19.50; and wool/ 
polyester slacks, by Ju- 
piter of Paris, about 
$30. Right: A bulky 
knit trench coat, 

by Tricots St. Raphael, 
$120; striped crew- 
neck, by McGregor, 
$27.50; striped shirt, 
by Tre Re for George 
Graham, about $40; 
and polyester/wool 
slacks, by Van Gils, 
$55. (Her striped sweat- 
er is by Fiorucci.) 


attire By DAVID PLATT 


if you think a 
sweaters to keep y 
warm, think again 


Picture-taking parties can be a ball 
Everything’s up for grabs—everything, 

that is, except the handsome object 

of her affection, at left, a wool knit sweater 
jacket with toggle closures, $125, that’s 
being worn with a bulky wool pullover, 
$45, both by Jon Weiser for Charivari; 
and corduroy slacks, by Trousers by Barry, 
about $50. (Her duds are by Cathy 
Hardwick.) Below: She'll love you in 
basic black—here, a wool cable-knit 
pullover, $115, worn over a polished-cotton 
striped shirt, $48, and velveteen slacks, 
$62, plus a fringed cable-knit scarf, $36, 
all by Mark of the Lion. (Her cherry- 


print pullover sweater is by Fiorucci.) 


we eee 


renee nen Yan tee 


Below: Napoleon never had it so good— 
but then, he never wore this Shetland wool 
V-neck, by Huk-A-Poo for Men, $25; striped 
cotton shirt, by Giovannelli, $45; and den- 
im slacks, by Gant, $37.50. (Her sweater 
is by Potti Cappalli for Jerry Silverman.) 


Below: Talk about mug shots! Who wouldn't look sharp in, left, a bulky wool knit belted 
cardigan, about $85, ring-neck pullover, $21, striped shirt, $25, and wool slacks with 
self-belted waist, about $40, all by Pierre Cardin? Right: A wool wrap sweater, by Smug- 
gler's Imports, $120; flannel shirt, by Robert Stock for Crossroads, about $22.50; 
denim jeans, by Wrangler, $17; and silk crepe de Chine scarf, by George Graham, $11. 
(The birdie they've been watching has on a sweater by Patti Cappalli for Jerry Silverman.) 


PLAYBOY 


Brıc-a Brac Man, (continued from page 112) 


from the gap was a pallid hand clutch- 


to say, it was pointed in my direction. 

A myriad of frenzied notions enfiladed 
ny mind, all traveling at the speed of 
light—yet, ultimately, one alone gained 
dominance over the rest: No matter what 
happened, I didn't want to die. 

So I raised my hands d slowly 
turned around, saying as calmly as I 
was able, "Don't shoot. I surrender. 
Please don't shoot. I'm unarmed and 
I give up." 

Hardly had these words left my mouth 
when the gun fired. Flame spurted out 
of its small muzzle and there was a deaf- 
ening roar. I felt as if I'd been jabbed 
in the chest by a sharp stick or the fer- 
rule of an umbrel bbed severely. 

After that, events grew confused. I 
was on the floor, my nose an inch away 
from the base of the atlas. In the distance, 
a woman screamed, It was a prolonged, 
shrill, tremulous, harrowing cry. I heard 
doors slamming, a series of heavy foot- 
falls and excited, muffled yelling. Nearby, 
clothing rustled. I began crawling along 
the carpet on hands and knees. Chair 
legs and other shadowy obstacles hin- 
dered my progress. 

"Stop!" a sibilant voice commanded. 

But I had no interest in stopping. Go. 
ing was all I cared about—and the faster 
the better. 

How I crossed the vestibule and the 
parlor, 1 don't remember. It wasn't until 
1 got to my feet at the basement door that 
my brain resumed its normal functions. 
I wondered where I was wounded. The 
lungs? The stomach? 

Down the stairs I staggered. At the 
bottom, I hesitated a few seconds and 
listened, but if there was any pursuit, 
my raucous panting prevented me from 
hearing it. I made for the game room, 
banging my skull on some exposed 
plumbing and rapping my shins on the 
seesaw. The hole was a welcome sight. 
1 dove into it like a mouse fleeing a cat. 
Only after I had fastened the plywood 
panel shut and covered it with the Army 
blanket did I permit myself the luxury 
of a little hope. 

Peeling off the stocking mask and the 
cotton gloves, I re-entered the bedroom 
that I had left with soaring expectations 
just a short while earlier. I unzipped the 
jacket, threw the Italian painting onto 

chair and lit the lamp. When I re- 
moved my shirt and examined my chest, 
however, I found nothing worse than a 
bright-red bruise, about the size of a 
half dollar, just beneath my left nipple. 
I couldn't believe it. The skin wasn't 
even broken. I snatched up the jacket. 
There above the pocket was a tiny, rag- 
ged aperture. The bullet had hit me, yet 


118 I wasn't injured. Then I realized what 


must have happened and a nervous giggle 
bubbled from my mouth. 

L stared down at the oil painting on 
the chair. In a corner of the frame, 
where the wood was thickest, a deep hole 
disfigured the floral carving. I took the 
picture in my hands and shook it vio- 
lently. Onto the floor fell a misshapen 
chunk of lead. 

"Small caliber," I whispered. 
caliber. Lady Luck, I love you." 

I turned the lamp off ag. 
crouched in the darkness, w 
whatever might happen next. 

. 

What I like least about catastrophes is 
their inclination to persist. All right, I'm 
willing to pay for my blunders—but in a 
single lump sum, not on the installment 
plan. It never happens that way, though. 

The rest of that night I spent on my 
belly, trying to hear what the cops were 
saying on the other side of the plywood 
panel, They searched the Ramsay cellar 
thoroughly, and whenever they ap- 
proached my hiding place, 1 stiffened 
with terror. Once, virtually in my ear, a 
coarse voice barked, "Son of a bitch 
must've run out the back door, the way 
he got in. Bastard's home in bed now, 
sleeping like a baby.” 

Glad as I was to hear this opinion, I 
was quite surprised by all the activity 
over there. It was a lot more than you'd 
expect for one lousy burglary. I had the 
impression a dozen men were poking 
around that basement—and later, two 
prowl cars with switched-on spotlights 
drove into the alley. 

They would probably make inquiries 
in the neighborhood. If they questioned 
me, would my nerves hold? I asked my- 
self. Suppose they discovered I was an 
tique dealer. 

But it was essential to take things on 
at a time and not catapult to tragic con- 
clusions. With this in mind, I stowed 
the painting, the mask, the laundry bags 
and my dark clothing in the cavity be 
tween the walls. Then I rolled the bed 
back to its original position, pushing it 
inch by inch, so as not to make a sound. 
The tunnel concealed again, I felt slight- 
ly more secure. 

At dawn, the cars were still in the alley, 
but I was so exhausted by that time I 
hardly cared. Lying down on the bumpy 
mattress, I soon fell into a profound 
sleep. 

Four hours later, I was awakened 
abruptly by a knock on the door. The 
previous nights events rushed into my 
consciousness and I shuddered beneath 
the bedclothes. 

The caller was Mrs, Dunlap. In one 
hand she carried an empty bucket and in 
the othe n of scouring powder. “Did 
I wake you, Mr. Hopkins? So sorry, 


Small 


and 
ing for 


vanted to make sure you were all right." 

Although I was happy to find it was 
only her, I feigned annoyance, "C y 
I'm all right,” I said, “Is there any reason 
why I shouldn't be, Mrs. D: 

“Oh, don't you know? Haven't you 
heard? But I guess you haven't, have you? 
The Ramsay. They're strange and un- 
sociable, which is why I'm not too sur- 
prised, really. The whole streets in an 
uproar, Wealthy as they are, the Ram 
says, they haven't had much luck. They 
live next door. Odd things happen to odd 
people—don't you agree? Marta Ramsay 
was murdered last night. A man broke 
into the house and strangled her in her 
bed. He was a thief and she caught hi 
in the act.” 

“Murdered?” I exclaimed, suddenly 

g what the woman had sai 
Who? Where? 
larta Ramsay—in her second-floor 
bedroom, next door. 
ied to gather my wits. 

Mrs. Dunlap ogled me from behind 
her rimless glasses. "He got away, too,” 
she continued. "The police say he may 
have been wounded, though, because a 
gun was fired at him. I didn't hear it— 
did you? No, I guess you wouldn't, being 
down here. They searched the alley for 
blood, but 1 don't think they found any. 
Did you hear an automobile starting up, 
Mr. Hopkins? "Thats what they asked 
me." 

"No, I heard nothing" I answered 
quickly. "My bedroom door was shut— 

nd so was the one to the kitchen. How 
did it happen, Mrs. Dunlap? Did they 
say?" 

She shifted the bucket to her right 
hand and dropped the can of scouring 
powder into it with a clang. “Through 
the back door is how they think he got 
in 

I leaned against the doorjamb, because 
my legs were becoming flexible. “Are 
you positive there was a murder?" I 
asked. "Did they give you details? Maybe 
they exaggerated." 

"No, no. Exaggerated? Why should 
they? Besides, I saw them take the body 
out this morning. I never thought to 
tell the police you were staying here, but 
since you didn't hear anything, it's just 
as well. They're rather a nuisance. Take 
up all your I hardly ever see you, 
Mr. Hopkins, but I did hear you drilling 
last week when I went to the storeroom 
for curtain rods. Do you think you could 
fix the valance over the window in the 
lounge of six-forty-one? It droops. And 
I suppose some of the ladies will want 
chains put on their doors now and h 
ier locks." 

“TI take care of that, Mrs. Dunlap,” I 
assured her hurriedly. “I'll see to every- 
thing, but not today. I'm running a bit 


(continued on page 216) 


“This is Woolly Caterpillar. All you good buddies can put that old 
hammer down, ‘cause 303 is Smokey-free from here to T-town—ten-four!” 


119 


MISSOURI 
BREAKER 


miss november was born 
witha gift of blarne 
the citizen's-band 


radio came later. the 
combination is delightful 


PHOTOGRAPHY 
BY POMPEO POSAR 


WHEN WE ASKED Patti McGuire how 
she got turned on to citizen’s-band 
radio, she replied: “I've always liked 
to keep the hammer down, so I 
learned a long time ago to latch on 
to a roger roller skate, because I 
knew you could bet your beaver that 
meone was on the front door beat 
ing the bushes for the bear and I 
wouldn't t bit on the seat of the 
britches. So it was inevitable tha 
I become a la reaker from the 
Gateway City of St. Louis, Missouri 
Uh, come again? "Well," she said, "I 
liked to speed, so I would always try 
to find a car with a C.B. antenna. If 
it was doing 90 miles an hour, I 
d be fairly certain that the driver 
5 talking to someone on down the 
way and that there weren't any 
policemen on patrol. I wouldn't get 
a ticket.” We were wondering if we 
were going to have to enroll in a 
Berlitz course in C.B. slang to com 
plete the interview, but Patti our 
plight and volunteered to talk in 
straight English. Well, almost. Being 
Irish, she has a basic disrespect for 


“My friends say I have a 
split personality—half 
liberal, half conservative. 
Sometimes sad but with a 
nse of humor. In short 
I'm a typical Irish craz 


such things as simple facts. When she tells a story, you're not sure what's true 
and what's not, but it doesn’t matter. Fortunately, Patti comes equipped with 
à built-in lie detector. If she smiles, you know she's having fun. For example, 
in discussing relationships, she tted that she believed in a “reverse 
double” standard, She wanted to be fr to explore casual affairs, but her 
man had to be faithful. Could she be more specific? Vell, have you ever 
seen the original uncut version of King Kong? When Kong first meets Fay 
Wray, he peels off her clothes, fondles her and then sniffs his fingers. 
Later, when he's climbing the Empire e Buildi he reaches throu 


| 


lil 


"I was surprised when PLAYBOY asked me to “When I was a kid, I used to waltz into 
pose for a gatefold. But I’m impulsive, I'll our den, flash my eight-year-old body and 
do anything if it falls into my lap." say, ‘Guess what 7 ? "Naked City"! 


“C.B. slang takes some getting used to. A guy 
once asked me if I was running barefoot, 
‘cause I was blasting out his windows. I had 
no idea what he meant, so I faked it. I toid 
him I was just sitting there bare-ass and 

what was he, some kind of weirdo Peeping Tom? 
He laughed and answered, ‘Mercy sakes, no." 
All he wanted to know was what kind of power 
source I was using on my rig. Barefoot means 
natural power. It gets confusing, but it’s 

also fun. Just when you think you've got a 
phrase down, someone will invent a new one. 


I guess no C.B.er has read ‘Plain Speaking” PEA 


“I don't have a nickname yet. I'm open to 
suggestions. Unfortunately, no matter what 
you call yourself, if a trucker hears a 
woman, he automatically calls her Little 
Beaver. Ladybreakers really love that." | 


guess I’m a show-me 
person from Missouri. The 
people I met in L 
tried to tell me that 
the California life was 
tops. It's not. For one 
thing, the sex is better 
right here in St. Louis." 


window and grabs a blonde. He 
sniffs her and, realizing that she is 
not his beloved, casually tosses her 
some 50 stories to her death. That's 
my idea of a faithful lover." Miss 
November is equally frank about her 
sex life, but we noticed the same 
tongue-in-cheek quality, the giveaway 
smile. We listened with extreme at 
tention as she described sitting stark 
naked in an outdoor Jacuzzi 
Angeles while a stream of hot w 
pulsated against her most sensi 
regions. How did the story end? 
Well, this big bullfrog came gallop- 
ing across the lawn, saw the wa 
and, not knowing any better, jumped 
right in. Imagine his surprise when 
he discovered the water was almost 
boiling. That was some startled 


œ 
uu 
ca 
= 
id 
=> 
=] 
= 
e 
em 
= 


TE OF THE MONTH 


“I like rowdy bars, 
nod music and sex. If 
a guy turns me on, I 
will sleep with him. 
But I don't really fool 
around. I can still 
count my affairs on 
just two hands." 


bullfrog.” See what w 
mean? Apart from her ir- 
verent attitude toward 
boyfriends and bullfrogs, 
Miss November a fairly 
serious woman. A fe’ 
months ago, she visited Los 
Angeles. She was offered 
acting and model 
ing assignments but turned 
them down turn to St. 
Louis. She wants to con 
plete her education (she 
a polisci major at 
Southern Illinois). Eventu- 
ally, she would like to 
become a consumer-affairs 
investigator, a Nader's 
Raiders, She ctive in 
local politics. Four years 
ago—before she was old 
enough to vote—she worked 
to send Christopher " 
Bond to the governor's 
mansion in Missouri. 
that time of year again, 
Patti is planning to help 
What wi 
the 


think everyone needs a 
least one physical activity to 
be good at. $ 

requires concentration 
coordination. Something 
other than sex. A person 
needs variety, right?" Roger. 


PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES 


lt was during a full meeting of the corporation's 
officers and directors that the arrogant president 
and chief operating officer asked to have his 
secretary sent in. When she appeared, he 
snapped, "How can I possibly edit these 
minutes if 1 have nothing to write with? Damn 
it, Miss Jones, where is my gold pen?” 

“The last time I saw it, sir," the girl an 
swered sweetly, “it was on your night table. 


We understand that some experimental 
botanist has developed a strain of marijuana 
with aphrodisiac properties that he calls 
tumbleweed. 


These Frenchmen have sexual quirks,” the 
mother counseled her daughter, who was about 
to marry one. “Sooner or later, they propose— 
you know—a change in technique, which I 
trust you'll resist," 

The bride-to-be promised she would and, 
sure enough, some weeks after the wedding, her 
husband did suggest some sexual variety. "No, 
no!" protested the girl. “Mother warned me 
about your probably wanting to make a switch, 
and I said I would be firm in refusing any 
such thing! 

“But, darling,” said her husband, "don't you 
want to have children?” 


An art buff in London named Snow, 
Accosted a fortnight ago. 

Is alleged to have quipped 

When a flasher unzipped, 
“Your exhibit's well hung, sir. Good show!" 


Our Unabashed Dictionary defines prostitute 
as a beddy buy 


I just don't know what to do about the fellow 
I've broken up with,” confided the secretary to 
her sister typist. “All the time we were going to. 
ther, he kept begging and pleading with me 
to go to bed with him, and I kept refusing, 
explaining that | was saving myself until I 
was married." 

But you've just said you've broken up with 
him," commented the other girl. 

"Yes, I did that last month—but the sex 
crazy nut has phoned me every week since. 
asking, ‘Are you married yet?’ " 


Our Unabashed Dictionary defines vagina as 
the box a penis comes in. 


We've heard a rumor that the Ku Klux Klan, 
in an effort to keep up with the times, is 
considering changing its name to the White 
Muslins. 


You have a couple of cracked vertebrae,” the 
intern told the high school boy after he had 
examined the emergency-room X rays. "What 
sort of accident was it?” 

You see, doc, I was kissing my girl good 
night on her back porch an hour ago," groaned 
the youth, d damned if her old man didn't 
come out the door and step right in the 
middle of my back! 


f our legislative correspondents has 
that the vote on a bill to legalize 
bisexuality could go either way 


Josephine," said the woman to her maid, 
"aren't you gaining a lot of weight?" 

"Yes, ma'am," answered the girl. Then she 
lowered her eyes and added, “The fact is I'm 
pregnant 

"But how did that happen?" exclaimed the 
woman. "Why, you don't even date." 

No," said Josephine, "but, you see, I sent 
away for an electric vibrator, and- E 

You don't mean to tell me you used an 
unspeakable thing like that on yourself?” inter 
rupted her employer 

"Oh, no, ma'am!" protested Josephine. “The 
expressman who delivered the package talked 
me out of using it.” 


Our Unabashed Dictionary defines coitus 
interruptus as an outer-space shot 


Oy 


1 T litm 


After the tourist had been served in the Las 
Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress 
back and said, "Miss would you give me a 
piece of ass? 

“Lord, that’s got to be the most direct 
proposition I've ever had!” gasped the girl 
Then she smiled and added, “Sure, why not? 
It's pretty slow here right now, so let's go! 

When the pair returned half an hour later 
the man sat down at the same table and the 
waitress asked, "Will there be anything else?" 

Yes,” replied the tourist. "Where I come 
from in Virginia, we like our bourbon and 
water real cold. So I still need a piece of ass 
for my drink." 


Heard a funny one lately? Send it on a post 
card, please, io Party Jokes Editor, PLAYBov, 
Playboy Bldg., 919 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, 
Ill; 60611. $50 will be paid to the contributor 
whose card is selected. Jokes cannot be returned. 


TARERE 


“You were careless, indeed, Harry—first to have caught a cold 
and second to have sent your friend to tell me.” 


133 


134 


THE VATICAN SESS MANUAL 


how to avoid sex before, during and 
after marriage: thirteen positions 
in which to prevent lovemaking 


THERE ARE many thou- 
sands of positions in which 
sex cannot be enjoyed. There 
are hundreds more in which 
sex cannot even be at- 
tempted. Here are just a few 
of the most popular. By 
using these variations, you 
and your partner will be un- 
able to have sex in a variety 
of ways, which will add zest 
to your abstinence. Based on 
old manuscripts found in 
the Vatican, they are equally 
unuseful for unmarried 
couples, who may try them 
without having to fear preg- 
nancy, pleasure or confession. 


By MONSIGNOR E. D. GRAY, 
S.J., M.A. (OXON) 


taka ERIC IDLE of 
MONTY PYTHON 


A Lot of Clothing 


‘The woman and the man don lots of cloth- 
ing. With her left hand, she holds his right 
hand for about four minutes. She then lets 
go. This can be repeated with the other 
hand aster 20 minutes and a cigarette. 


Allon Your Own 


The classic position for avoiding sex. There are two main variations, All on Your Own with 
Your Trousers Off and Allon Your Own with the Television On. The latter is far safer. Try to 
avoid thinking, and there should be nothing stimulating at hand (particularly your hand). 


The Missionary Position 


Finger Fun 


It is more difficult to avoid sex when you 
are both naked in the bedroom. Remem- 
ber to keep the bed between you and to 
pray hard. If you are young and active, 
this position may have to be repeated. 


You can have fun with your fingers, so do 
be careful. There are only certain areas 
that may be touched without fear of pleas- 
ure. This is one of them. The finger (and 
nothing else) should be held fully erect. 


COPYRIGHT © 1976 BY ERIC IOLE 


This position is often called giving head. 
The gentleman puts his head on the lady's 
Safe Zone and listens hard for any sign of 
passion (grunting, heavy breathing, gig- 
gles, etc.). If he hears any, he must stop. 


The Trade-Union 
Congress 


The man's foot is placed firmly on the 
woman's Safe Zone for up to seven min- 
utes. The woman then places her foot on 
the man's Safe Zone. To avoid accidental 
arousal, it is best to turn the head away. 


The Papal Bull 


f — 


The Congress 
of the "e 


This is often called the Congress of New 
Zealand. Nobody quite knows why. The 
gentleman rests his forehead on the lady" s 
Safe Zone. His hands are now free to grip 
her calves. This is less fun than it looks. 


The Fred Astaire 


A 7 


The man and the woman turn their backs 
on each other and crouch, bend or squat 
until they're*'cheek tocheek,"Somecouples 
can keep their buttocks adjoining for up. 
toan hour and still claim to be unsatisfied. 


Ninety-Six 


Often called oral sex: All you can do is 
talk. The woman goes down over the 
man’s shoulder as he grasps her ankles. It 
may be tried standing up or lying down, 
but in all positions, it is unsatisfactory. 


A beautiful position. The man rests his 
head on the woman's Safe Zone and arches 
his back. He may grip her knees for added 
support. There is little risk of pregnancy. 
In fact, there is little risk of anything. 


The Congress 
of Vienna 


Complex. You and 700 ambassadors try 
to end the Napoleonic Wars. A useful posi- 
tion for avoiding group sex, it is often found 
in conjunction with the ‘Diet of Worms. 
(If you eat worms, you won't feel sexy.) 


Foot Fetishism 


"The man lies on his face and the woman 
She quickly touches 
immediately. This 
is the safest position in which the foot may 
be used without risk of pedic pleasure. 


The couple uses a chair in pursuit of chas- 
tity. Other things may be inserted be- 
tween the couple (but only between) to 
prolong the avoidance of pleasure: vege- 
tables (be careful) and even sex manuals. 


135 


PLAYBOY 


136 Solitron was selling at 140, and not b 


MONEY IN THE STOCK MARKET 


and how you should go about it if you, in 
the words of Bernie Cornfeld, “sincerely 
want to be rich. 

The element of luck can be disposed of 
simply. It every 
one and over a period of time will even 


exists; but it exists for 
itself out. The essential difference between 
the stock purer 
gambling is that it is possible for every 


à winner, Be 


market and forms of 


one who buys stocks to be 


tween 1962 and 1968, the average stock 
traded on the New York Stock Exchange 
doubled. Taking a longer view, during 


the 15 years from the beginning of 1958 
to the 1972, the of all 
stocks traded on the big board tripled 
Clearly, it taken real effort 
as well as bad luck, to have 
lost money during either of those periods. 
Compare this with roulette or the ponies 
the percentage gu 
the entire universe of participants 


end up losers, 


end of avera 


would have 


incredibly 


where house 
that 


must, on 


rantees 


any given day 


and where any individual player is aln 


st 
a lengthy stretch of time, to 
wind up in the hole. What about com 
The 
to-three percent cost to buy or sell small 


certain, ove 


missions, you say? approximate two: 
amounts of stock is of no real concern to 
the long-term investor is what I 
will prove you must be. 

The stock market is an extremely com 


which 


plex mechanism that at all times reflects 
two simple emotions—fe greed 
The results obtained by the 
average small investor derive from greed 


r and 


miserable 


motivated purchases and fearmotivated 


sales, Just as the average N.Y.S.E. stock 
doubled from 1962 to 1968, from late 
1968 to the end of 1974, these stocks fell 


on a 


age nearly 50 percent, with many 
individual issues doing far worse, What 
bought at 
what later proved to be very close to the 


happened to someone who 


top and sold at what has already proved 


to be the bottom is obvious. Fa 


out 
weighing the element of luck in the stock 
market is the element of psychology. Mas 
tery of it faster 
But one 


would lead to riches far 


c theory 


than mastery of econc 
need not achieve complete understand 
ing of the pervasive human psychological 
aspect of the market; just learn to recog 
nize and avoid some of the more egregious 
examples of the herd instinct. Once you 
learn to avoid them, you can make their 
inevitable appearance on the part of oth 
ers work for you 

A hapless fellow I know once told me 
the following horror story. In 1966, his 
brother g n a “tip” on a stock 
called Solitron Devices, then selling at 70. 
that 


ve l 


law 


Knowing this brother-in-law had 
never made a dime in stock 
market speculating, he ignored the prof 


fered When, six months 


years of 


later, 
8 


advice. 


(continued from page 109) 


able to stand his brother-in-law’s smug 
satisfaction, he bought 60 shares with 
$8500 that represented nearly all his 


Thrilled 
its subsequent advance in less than a year 
to 285, he then watched unhappily as, 
1968, it fell back to 200. 
vinced by his brother-in-law that this was 


liquid assets. beyond belief by 


during Con 


just a "temporary reaction” and that Soli 
tron Devices, whose earnings were sky 
rocketing, was ready for another lar 


move upward, he borrowed $5000 and 
However, it 


never went up again, it just sank steadily. 


bought another 25 shares. 


At 70, the price at which his brother-in 
law had originally recommended it, he 
his 85 shares, receiving enough to 
repay the bank loan but having lost nearly 
all his original $8500 investment 
Had my checked a bit 
buying, he found 
Solitron Devices was a third-rate e 


sold 


before 
that 
"ctronic 


friend 


would have 


components company enjoying 


tempo: 
had 
the 
Texas Instruments was 


ary vogue. As a result, its price 


reached levels unwarranted by even 
rosiest of futures. 
then, as it is today, a leader in the elec 
tronics industry, strongly fina 
well managed. During 1967 
while Solitron was going up more than 
threefold, somewhat sluggish "Texas In 


only" 45 per 


need and 


extremely 


struments was advanc 
In common with many technology 
stocks, it then proceeded to do rather 
years. However, 


Texas Instruments today is worth about 


cent 


badly for a number of 
two and a half times its late-1966 price, 
Solitron reporting 
70 and for a number of years 


while Devices, after 


losses in 1 


since, is now selling for one eighth of its 
late-1966 price. 

Now, my friend made a number of 
mistakes far more serious than merely 


picking the wrong horse. He acted on a 
tip from a dubious source. (Almost all 
sources of "tips" are dubious.) He bought 
the stock on emotion, not facts. He put 
far too large a portion of his net worth 
into stock. He knew far little 
about the company, its prospects and 

most important—what was already known 
by the market about those prospects and 
fully discounted in the price of the stock 
He regards himself as unlucky. In fact, 
he was very lucky. Despite the commission 
of so many stockmarket sins, he was of 


one too 


fered absolution in the form of more than 
a double from his original cost. At that 
point, the stock was selling at 70 times its 
nings, an almost unheard-of level. But 


instead of selling, he bought more, and 


with borrowed money 
Borrowing money to buy stocks—lever 
ging, as it’s called in the trade 


always wrong. It can be a successful tech 


is not 


niqu who 


knows 


for an aggressive 
intimately the 


investor 


company whose 


stock he is buying and has carefully a 


sessed the risks involved—criteria certain 


ly not met by my friend. The greatest 
negative about borrowing—and the rea 
son it should be done only by those 


practiced and knowledgeable—is that it 


repeals the most important law of ma 


matics that the investor seeking large 
capital gains has going for him: The 


most he can lose is 100 percent of his 
investment 

This rule may strike the potential in 
vestor as cold comfort, indeed. Obviously 
no one embarks on any investment with 
a total wipeout in mind. Yet the fact 
can 
up far more th 
not go down m 
not merely a theoretical point. An 


tude I constantly encounter in talking to 


that stocks and frequently do—go 


n 100 percent and can 


e than 100 percent is 
atti 


wide variety of small investors (small 
is defined for our purposes as anyone 
with less than $25,000 to invest) is an 
excessive concern with risk—and insuf 
ficient attention to potential reward 
Many individuals with modest-sized port 
folios containing the stocks of a few 
solid, established companies have 


me, "I can't afford to take risks; this is 
all the have.” ing 


the person I am talking to has taken the 


money I Assun that 


ordinary precautions of having some life 


insurance and a reasonable emergency 


fund in a savings account, and assuming 


that he genuinely wants to build what 
extra money he has saved into real capi 
tal, I point out that he can't afford not 
to take risks. 

P: 
with 


doxical as it may sound, someone 


$100,000 is 


able to risk his 
money than with $10,000. The 
$100,000 is it is capital. It 
can safely be invested for yield and pro- 
duce $8000-S9000 a 
risk. That amount of income 


ed to the investor's regular earnings, can 


less 


someone 


not money 


year without any 


when add 
substant standard of 
living, as well as give him peace of mind 
If this man with $100,000 is 

young and carnir 
flation and the U.S. tax 


it advisal 


lly improve his 


relatively 


a good income, in 


laws still may 
make le for him to aim for sub. 
stantial capital growth 


aware of what he is risking 


but he must be 


The individual with $10,000, if he 
assesses his situation unemotionally, will 
realize he does not have this choice. The 
annual income from that sum will pro 
duce barely enough for a decent two 


He is forced to assume the 
concomitant of 


week vacation 
risks that are a necessary 
seeking long-range growth 
of capital. The hope of someone with 
$10,000 is that someday he will 
$100,000—a not impossible goal over the 
very long term, especially if he can add 


bove-average 
have 
modest sums annually to his pool of in 


vestable funds. It this 
with a 


is for individual 


reasonable amount of money— 


(continued on page 178) 


Left: Sony's $1260 Model SL-7200 Betamax 
Videocassette Recorder measures 204" x 
16%" x 8%" and performs in a manner 
similar to an audio-tape recorder; you turn it 
on (or use the optional preset timer—$40) 
and record picture and sound simultaneously. 

Tape storage is no problem, thanks to Sony's 

YA" tape manufactured in a cassette format 
(a 60-minute cassette costs $15.95) that, of 
course, allows for erasure. Other features 
include fast forward and an optional all-chan- 
nel splitter ($5) that picks up U.H.F. stations. 


Right: JVC's Video Cassette Record- 
er, the CR-6300U, records and 
plays back 34" U-type video cas- 
settes; feotures include a TV 
tuner that allows you to record 
directly off the air without a re- 
ceiver/monitor, a built-in timer 
for automatic recording, and 
stop-action playback for instant 
analysis of any shot. The price: 
$1960. JVC's 34" 60-minute 
video cassettes go for $35 each 


Left: When North American Philips and MCA's 
Videodisc player hits the market soon, it will 
attach to the antenna of any TV; the set is then 
tuned to a channel not in use and you're 
ready to play whatever video disc you've 
selected via a laser-beam scanner. The set 
will cost about $500; video discs, which 
resemble LP records, are by MCA and will 
go for about $10 each, They'll last indefi- 
nitely, provided you treat them with care. 


Right: Panasonic's entry into the 
market of video-cassette record- 
ers is the Model NV-2125, a 
handsome unit that plays 34" 
tape and can be equipped with 
optional remote-control selector 
and timer. Standard is a special 
avto-repeat lever that permits 
automatic playing or recording 
again and again. $1775. Sixty- 
minute video cassettes are $35. 


THIS YEAR AND NEXT, tech- 


.IHERE S A 
REVOLUTION 
GOING ON 


with video cassettes here and video discs just around 
the corner, it’s only a matter of time before blockbuster 
films premiere in your pad 


nology is destined to catch up 
with the family television set. 
‘The wasteland is going to be- 


come a wonderland, with the 
small screen undergoing as 
many combinations and per- 
mutations as the oncelowly 
phonograph did when research 
and development transformed 
it into todays quadraphonic 
marvel. 

Television’s possibilities will 
soon be unlimited, with the 
viewer able to do everything 


but beam up to the Enterprise. 
As of right now, you're no 
longer chained to the time slots 
dictated by the networks nor 
forced to choose between All 
in the Family and the Monday- 
night movie if they're sched. 
uled at the same time. You can 
tape one while you watch the 
other, then watch the taped 
show at your leisure. 

And in the very near future, 
if you don't like any of the 
scheduled shows, you can be 
your own video-disc jockey and 


PICTURE ABOVE (SHOWN HERE ON A ZENITH CHROMACOLOR II) ANO ON PRECEDING PAGE COPYRIGHT & 1976 BY PARAMOUNT PICTURES CORPORATION, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. 


spin the program platter of your 
choice—uncut, uncensored and sans 
commercials But that's only for 
openers. When officials in the in- 
dustry blue-sky it, they 
Ik in terms of video 
books" illustrated 
with film clips, com- 
mercials "printed" 
in video-disc form 
and bound into 
your favorite 
magazine (play the 
page and watch 

A. J. Foyt test-drive 


Left: The SelectaVision VideoDisc system soon to 
be marketed by RCA will hook to the antenna ter- 
minals of any TY, just as the Philips and MCA model 
above. RCA's video discs will also slightly resemble 
LP audio records; each is especially coated and 
will have a 30-minute playing time per side. 
SelectaVision features will include easy-to- 
operate forward and reverse finger-tip con- 
trols for precise cuing and a pause control 
for stopping and restarting the program 
from the same point. SelectaVision sets will 
go for $500; video discs priced about $10 
each will be available in a wide variety of 
subjects from pop and how-to to cultural. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD IZU! 


PLAYBOY 


140 


Detroit's latest), and even such fascinat- 
ing possibilities as a Playboy Interview 
live and perhaps the Playmate of the 
Month in living color (see Think Tank, 
PLAYBOY, June 1976). 

Television has been hypnotized before 
by its own picture tube, with officials 
announcing as imminent developments 
that never quite made it to the market 
place. There have been any number of 
television and high-fidelity components 
that worked well when hand-crafted in 
the labaratory but that turned out to be 
lemons when they came off the assembly 
line (if they could be mass-produced at 
all). 

How far off the wall are industry 
spokesmen this time? If you can believe 
Wall Street, not very. Entertainment 
stocks are some of the hottest on the 
g board and one of the major reasons 
is what's been happening in the video 
field, Insiders are well aware that your 
TV set is about to become the center of 
home-entertainment complex as ver- 
le and intricate as the rig of the most 
enthusiastic audio buff. 

Nor are all the miracles due five years 
from now. Just coming onto the market 
are video-cassette tape recorders that will 
enable you to break the logjam of net- 
work programing and also solve the 
problem of inconvenient broadcast hours. 
Sony, Panasonic and JVC are among the 
ufacturers producing cassette 
units that need only to be plugged in 
nd have their output leads attached to 
the antenna of your TV set. Slip in a 
blank video cassette and you're ready 
to record, 

Two programs on the air at the same 
time and you can't make up your mind 
which to watch? Turn on one and record 
the other for viewing later. There's a 
late-night movie you want to catch, but 
you're beat and you have to be at the 
office early in the morning? Set the timer 
and tape it—then watch it the following 
evening, when the night's programing 
consists of reruns and pilots that never 
made it off the ground. 

Perhaps the most widely distributed 
of the recorders (now available in 24 
major markets and due for national di 
tribution by December) is Sony's Beta- 
max, a $1260 video-cassette recorder with 
its own tuner. It has most of the standard 
features of an audio-cassette recorder— 
ast forward, rewind and eject—with a 
digital clock timer as a $40 optional ac- 
cessory. Video cassettes are inserted in 
much the same manner as audio cassettes; 
operation is also similar to that of an 
audio machine, even to the familiar bank 
of piano-key switches, The cassette uses 
half-inch tape in an hour or half-hour 
format. You can build up a library of 
features or erase the tape and use the 
same cassette over and over. (Sony's cas- 


sette K-60 sells for $15.95; cassette K-30 
is $11.95.) 

Sony also makes a $2295 all-in-one 
unit, combining a 19-inch Trinitron set 
with a Betamax unit. One of the advan- 
tages is that the unit has pro 
attaching a camera (an additional $395) 
via a 15-foot umbilical cable so the own- 
er can take home movies (in black and 
white only). 

The JVC and Panasonic models are 
both precision instruments, use three- 
quarter-inch tape for improved picture 
quality and have a number of exciting 
features for the video freak. The JVC 
CR-6300U ($1960) has a built-in timer, 
stop-action playback capability, two au- 
dio channels for stereo record and 
playback, plus facilities for dubbing an- 
other sound track while playing back a 
previously recorded feature. The Par 
sonic model NV-2125 ($1775) has auto- 
matic rewind, automatic repeat mode, 
automatic search ability, dual sound 
tracks for stereo recording and an option- 
al clock timer. Sixty-minute cassettes for 
these two units cost $35 each. Shorter cas- 
settes at lower cost are also available. 

If the video-cassette recorders sound 
suspiciously like their audio counterparts, 
the similarity is undoubtedly intentional, 
The controls are remarkably similar and 
the units themselves look like oversized 
audio models. Be aware, however, that 
while the Panasonic and JVC cassettes 
are compatible, the Sony halfinch-tape 
cassette is not compatible with either. As 
yet, there are few prerecorded video 
cassettes ilable, though Time-Life is 
marketing some, primarily for the educa- 
tional field. To rectify this situation, Sony 
has just joined with Paramount to form 
a new company—Sony/Paramount Home 
Entertainment Center—which, by the 
end of 1977, hopes to be distributing na- 
tionally a variety of features, including 
recent flicks. 

‘The major advantage of video cassettes 
over video discs is the same that audio 
cassettes have over phonograph record 
You can record off the air and you can 
also erase and use the same cassette 
repeatedly. Another advantage is simply 
that video-cassette recorders are available 
right now—and video discs and their 
players are not. 

But the market debut of video discs 
is close at hand and when they do ap- 
pear, the field of communications will 
never be the same. And at least one of 
the major brands of video discs will have 
ies that neither tape nor records 


The major contenders for the video- 
disc market are SelectaVision, a devel- 
opment by RCA, and the Philips/MCA 
Videodisc System, a joint venture by 
MCA, the parent company of Universal 
Pictures, and North American Philips, 
which is affiliated with NV Philips, the 


Netherlands electronic firm that devel- 
oped the audio cassette. Spokesmen for 
both systems claim the price of their play- 
back units will be around $500—far un- 
der that of video-cassette recorders—and 
that of the discs will be around ten 
dollars, 

But though disc and recorder in both 
systems will look somewhat alike and 
will be in the same price range, there 
the similarity ends. The systems ope 
in dramatically different ways. 

Already being tested in the market on 
a continuous is SelectaVi on 
which RCA claims to have spent millions 
of dollars in research. The unit is report- 
edly easy to manufacture, uses offthe- 
shelf parts and is “reliable”—meaning, 
presumably, that it will require few trips 
to the repair shop. 

Since the players are easy to make, 
RCA daims that the only holdup lies in 
the discs themselves—and it's currently 
tooling up a plant to deliver 6,000,000 
two-sided discs annually. When will we 
see both disc and player in stores? RCA 
has plans for regional marketing in 1977. 

"The SelectaVision disc and player will 
be comfortably familiar to everybody 
Ihe disc looks much like an ordinary 
phonograph record, except for the large 
center hole and iridescent surface. It's 
pressed of vinyl (and vacuum coated with 
a thin layer of metal), has grooves on 
both sides and will be read by a sap 
phire-and-metal stylus that will physically 
ride the grooves and pick off the signal, 
much as a needle and cartridge tracks 
the grooves of a phonograph record. The 
playing time will be 30 minutes to a side, 
with the disc good for more than 500 
plays. The stylus has a life expectancy of 
300 or more playing hours before it has 
to be changed. 

So much for facts, figures and simi 
larities, But there are number of 
important differences between the Select- 
aVision system and your home record 
yer. Rather than a needle that me- 
chanically tracks the squiggles of an 
audio record's grooves, SelectaVision uses 
a capacitance pickup that reads a series of 
tiny slots in the bottom of the grooves. 
The grooves themselves are far narrower 
than those of. a regular phonograph 
record—there are some 5555 to the inch— 
and the disc revolves at 450 rpm, more 
than ten times the familiar 3314. 

Like phonograph records, how the 
discs are susceptible to damage by han- 
dling. Fingerprints, dirt and dust will 
cause dropouts in the picture on the 
screen, though RCA claims several plays 
will effectively clean the disc. 

The Philips/MCA Videodisc System 
and its Disco-Vision video discs also have 
a superficial similarity to the phonograph 
record and its player. The disc is the 
same size and roughly the same thickness 

(concluded on page 214) 


“What did you expect to find in a codpiece?" 


141 


piis 
A 


article By CRAIG S. KARPEL HOW A 
GANG OF BANKERS AND MUGGERS 
DECIDED TO PULL THE PLUG 
ON NEW YORK CITY 


A tradition, long current among Indian tribes, 
told of a remote period when a calm translucid 
lake surrounded the fair island of Manahata. 
Gold and silver fishes abounded in the lake; fruit 
and flowers were inexhaustible upon the land; 
and above all brooded the spirit of the sovereign 
god, Manitto! But suddenly an irruption of the 
great river laid waste the peaceful spot; the road- 
way opened to the sea, and amid the rush and roar 
of tidal waters the protecting god took flight. 

— JULIA M. COLTON, Annals of 
Old Manhattan, 1609-1664 


1 AM SPEAKING TO YOU from the Sun Fun Hut at the 
resort/residential complex of Palmas del Mar, a 
genuine imitation Mediterranean village on the south- 
east coast of Puerto Rico. The trade winds are riffling 
balmily through the palms, I am on my third piña 
colada with double Ron del Barrilito, canned dual 
pianos are plinking Cuando Calienta el Sol ( Aquí en la 
Playa) and right now you are asking yourself, (A) 
Sun Fun Hut? and (B) If this is an article about the 
death of New York City, (continued on page 158) 


THERE ARE 
8,000,000 
STORIES IN THE 
NAKED CITY 

ie THIS 


CONSTRUCTION BY TOM STAEBLER 


144 


SX MO CINEMA- T 


IN THE RACE FOR THE BOX-OFFICE BUCK BETWEEN THE NAKED AND 
THE DEAD, THE PUBLIC SEEMED TO PREFER ITS BODIES BLOODIED 


article By ARTHUR KNIGHT suse can ne little doubt that 1976 will go down in the 


annals of cinema as the year in which movie companies exploited the peculiar links between sex and 
violence for all they were worth. As successful prosecutions of sexually oriented fare made the forthright 
approach to sex that was visible only five years ago in Carnal Knowledge increasingly problematical, 
film makers sought a safer, yet commercially sound means of heating up their product. Seemingly, they 
found it in rape, murder and mutilation 

This repellent device, however, may not endure long. Chicago's Mayor Richard Daley proclaimed a 
crackdown, having his city council rubberstamp (by 46 to 2) an ordinance designed to restrict violent 
movies to audiences 18 and over, and other cities are following suit. Not surprisingly, the language of 
Daley's ordinance paralleled the Supreme Court's 1973 formulation defining obscenity, however loosely 

That sex and violence are linked by more than mere linguistics was demonstrated carly in the 
year by the release of Snuff, an Argentine-based sex movie that recalled the Manson murders. Snuff 
is climaxed by a sickening sequence (added Stateside) in which the female star is presumably killed 
oncamera, then eviscerated. At first, rumor had it that this was an actual killing, that pornography 
had reached its ultimate conclusion. "If they can show the sex act on the screen," argued proponents 
of the censorious Morality in Media organization in a fine example of muddled logic, "why not the act 
of murder as well?” Most of us fail to see the ine bility of a connection between homicide and 
intercourse. For every person who is murdered, literally millions are (text continued on page 161) 


TA 


E POTPOURRI: Didn't see this shot of Ryan O'Neal and Marisa Berenson in “Barry Lyndon" (opposite)? That's 
because it was cut from the film. Some that weren't: Sally Field, out of the “Flying Nun" habit, with Jeff Bridges in “Stay 
Hungry" (top left); Liza Minnelli, bedded with Burt Reynolds and Gene Hackman in “Lucky Lady” (top right); Sam 
Elliott and 1971 Playmate of the Year Sharon Clark Weber in “Lifeguard” (center left); Cliff Robertson and Susan George 
in “Out of Season" (center right); Oliver Reed as a bumbling half-breed in a brothel from “The Great Scout and Cathouse 
Thursday" (above left); and ambulance attendant Bill Cosby, aiming a shot in "Mother, Jugs & Speed” (above right). 


145 


Some pretty famous 
flesh was exposed on the world's movie screens 
during 1976. In “End of the Game” (above left), 
based on the Friedrich Dürrenmatt novel “The 
Judge and His Hangman,” Jacqueline Bisset 
takes up with Jon Vo , who succeeds her 
murdered. boyfriend as a. police inspector's aide. 
"Fighting Mad" teams Peter Fonda with Lynn 
Lowry (above right). Glenda Jackson, the titular 
“Romantic Englishwoman,” meets gigolo Helmut 
Berger in Baden-Baden (right), with results even. 
tually fatal to her marri to writer Michael 
Caine. An even more star-crossed romance is 
that of the lovers in “The Sailor Who Fell from 
Grace with the Sea,” Kris Kristofferson and Sarah 
Miles (below). Before the chilling ending of this 
story, taken from a work by the late Japanese 
novelist Yukio Mishima, Sarah and Kris play 
some of the most erotic scenes to have appeared 
in any majorstudio release within this decade 


FOREIGN ENTANGLEMENTS: After a period in hich American films were racier than their counterparts from abroad, 
imported fare is again becoming more daring. Long awaited—three years in the planning—and wildly controversial is 
Federico Fellini's “Casanova,” starring Donald Sutherland (above) as a stylishly seedy version of the famed 18th Century 
seducer. Another Italian. picture, “La Bambina” (below left), features Teresa Ann Savoy as a wealthy but retarded nymphet 
and Luigi Proietti as a guy who promises to “be like a father to her.” His impulses are obviously not entirely paternal, From 
France comes “Le Magnifique” (below right), pairing the ever-popular Jean-Paul Belmondo with (again) Jacqueline Bisset 
one of the busiest actresses in showbiz this year; she has signed to play a Jacqueline Onassis type in “The Greek Tycoon.” 


| 
| 


ASSAULT AND BATTERY: Ra, murder and mutilation have become near-staple ingredients of the cinema of the mid. 


Seventies, In "The Driver's Seat" (above left), Elizabeth Taylor lures Maxence Mailfort into making a fatal attack. “Lipstick 


(above right) deals with Margaux Hemingway's revenge on her ravisher, Chris Sarandon. The plot of “The Last Hard Men 
calls for James Coburn to get back at Charlton Heston by having Morgan Paull and John Quade gang-bang his daughter 


Barbara Hershey (below left). But perhaps the most disturbing trend of recent months is exemplified by the films below right 
and at bottom left. In the Franco-Japanese production “The Empire of the Senses,” Eiko Matsuda first strangles, then castrates her 
atsuya Fuji; in the Franco-Italian feature “The Last Woman,” a despondent Gerard Depardieu amputates his own penis 


HIGH ON SCI-FI: Not since Stanley 
Kubrick's "2001" has there been a big 
udget science-fiction success, but two 
futuristic films year are but harbin 
gers of a slew of such motion pictures 
waiting in the wings for '77. Glitter-rock 
star David Bowie (featured in Sep 
tember's "Playboy Interview") made an 

pre film debut in the title role 
of "The Man Who Fell to Earth" 
(above). The characters in “Logan's 
Run,” starring Michael York and Jenny 
Agutter, live in a di 


tic 23rd Century civilization complete 


lomed city, a hedonis 


th socially sanctioned orgies ( 
problem is, nobody can live there 
past the age of 30. Not surprisingl 
lot of 29-year-olds, including a security 
guard named Logan (played by York 
seek avenues of escape from paradise. 


IT'S A DR; You can't tell 
the guys from the gals without 
a program, or at least a movie 
synopsis, these days. Chris Sar 
andon, supermacho despoiler 
in "Lipstick" (opposite page), 
plays the transsexual bride of 
Al Pacino in “Dog Day After- 
noon” (left). And the mercurial, 
talented Polish film director 
Roman Polanski cast himself as 
the leading man in “The Ten 
ant,” a character so haunted by 
the personality of a woman 
suicide who formerly lived in his 
apartment that he dons her 
makeup and her clothes (right). 


REMAKES & RIP-OFFS: In the good 
ndustry tradition that nothing suc 
s like success, moviemakers offered 
an unusual number of sequels, spin 
offs and reissues this year. “A Star I 
Born,” previously done with Fred 
March and Janet Gaynor (1937), 
Garland and James Mason (1954), re 
surfaced yet again with Barbra Stret 
s and Kris Kristofferson in the 
principal roles (above left). After a 
thy battle over film rights 
* reprised with Jessica Lange in 
the Fay Wray part (above center); 
Ursula Andress and Michael Sar 
recycled the romantic derring-do 
durable adventurer in “The Loves and 
Times of Scaramouche” (above right) 
producer Manuel S. Conde un 
abashedly played on the hottest box 
office bonanza of 1975 with the 
gimmicky “Deep Jaws” (right), here 
featuring Gordon Herigstadt and Rhi 


Soft-core 


annon Vaughan; and Sylvia Kristel 
starred with Umberto Orsini in “Em 
manuelle—Joys of a Woman" (left 
once again bouncing from mattress to 
mattress around the scenic spots of 
Southeast Asia in a follow-up to the 
turnstile-twirling appeal of her erotic 
sexploits in last year’s “Emmanuelle.” 


Another old reliable Hollywood concept, that sex can be funny 
finds expression in a trio of recent movies. Tit men coppin 
are Marty Feldman, noshing on Sivi Aberg in Mel Brooks's 


outrageously funny “Silent Movie” (above); Jack Weston, fondly fondling Rita 
Moreno's boobs in the screen version of a hit Broadway comedy, “The Ritz” 
(below right); and George Segal, gleefully grabbing San Francisco saloon song 
stress Goldie Hawn in “The Duchess and the Dirtwater Fox" (below left). 


BORROWED & BLUE: Newest rage i 
porno-movie production seems to be the 
steamy retelling of oft-told tales. Bill 
Osco's X-rated musical view of “Alice 
in Wonderland" (top left) features 
rLAYBov's April 1976 cover girl, Kristine 
De Bell, as Alice, in scenes probably not 
envisioned by Lewis Carroll. Director 
Radley Me The Opening of Misty 
Beethoven" (center left), made under 


zer's 


his nom de porn, Henry Paris, owes an 
obvious debt to George Bernard Shaw's 
“Pygmalion”; Misty, unlike Eliza Doo- 
little, learns to use her mouth for pur 
poses other than the proper speaking of 
the Queen's English. Seen here, from left 
are Jamie Gillis as the tutorial type; 
Jacqueline Beudant, one of his alumn 


Constance Money as Misty and Jeffrey 
Hurst as the classroom, ah, guinea pig 
The redoubtable (and much persecuted) 
Harry Reems of “Deep Throat” fame 
ventured abroad to star with Maria 
Lynn in a heated-up Swedish film treat- 
ment of Guy de Maupassant's novel “Bel 
Ami" (bottom left), while Beerbohn 
Tree engages in a 19th Century en 


counter grope—to the cheerfully tuneful 


music of Sir Arthur Sullivan, of all 
people—with Jennifer Jordan in “The 
Naughty Victorians,” a chock-full-of 
period-decadence realization of that peren 
nially popular Eng 
novel “A Man 


sh underground classic 


th a Maid" (below). 


DIRECTIONS OLD & NEW: While 
some sex-film makers continue doing 
business at the same old stand, others are 
changing their styles. Boston’s Richard 
Macleod used to make se xploitation films 
for the drive-in-movie crowd; now he's 
dgeted ($500,000) ad. 


The Ganja Express,” 


completed a bi, 
venture story, 
which includes hard-core sequences. 
Thats porn queen Terri Hall on the 
ropes over John Stone, getting some as 
sistance from Ginger Miller in “Ganja” 
(top right). San Francisco's Mitchell 
brothers, Artie and Jim, have always 
made explicit movies, and their newest 
The Autobiography of a Flea” (right 
center, with Joanna Hilden and John 
Leslie), taken from a ribald French 
novel, is no exception. Nor has Russ 
Cherry, Harry and Raquel,” "Vixen") 
Meyer, the acknowledged king of the 
skin flick, departed from his essentially 
soft-core approach in his new release 
Up” (with Raven Delacroix and Robert 
McLane enjoying a bit of alfresco ro 
mance at bottom right). But Radley 
Metzger, formerly known for such main 
tream movies as “Camille 2000," “The 
Lickerish Quartet” and “Therese and 
Isabelle,” has two triple-X films now on 
view: “The Opening of Misty Beethoven” 
(opposite page) and "The Image," with 
Mary Mendum being bossed around by 
dominatrix Marilyn Roberts (below) 


BODIES POLITIC: Fascism, communism, antiwar protest—all appear as themes of 
current cinema. The most ambitious opus is Bernardo Bertolucci’s “1900"—his 
first film since “Last Tango in Paris"—starring Dominique Sanda and Robert 
De Niro (left), with other stellar presences, including Burt Lancaster and Donald 
Sutherland. Another Italian, Lina Wertmuller, brought us two hotly debated films, 
both starring Giancarlo Giannini: “Seven Beauties” (above) and “Swept Away . 

(bottom left, with Mariangela Melato). Dennis Hopper, as a disillusioned Vietnam 
vet in “Tracks,” woos Taryn Power (bottom right), the daughter of the late Tyrone 


4ND SO TO BED: Finally, in a year in which some of the biggest movie hits (“All the President's Men,” “The Omen") had 


no sex whatsoever films stood out as more than usually daring. “Inserts” (above), a sincere, rather arty little picture, 


brought us Richard Dreyfuss as a moviemaker reduced to shooting porn. Here, he films Veronica Cartwright and Stephen 


Davies. “Drum,” a sequel to “Mandi continued in that movie's fertile furrow of interracial sex, about to be plowed 
(below) by Roger (“Leadbelly”) Mosley and Isela (“Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia”) Vega, featured in a memorable July 
1974 vLavnoy pictorial. Reportedly dropped as too hot by Paramount, “Drum” was subsequently picked up by United Artists 


PLAYBOY 


156 


“The loaf of bread and jug of wine are on the house, Omar, 


but the ‘thow’ is going to cost you.” 


Jade r 


Ll 


4 
y 


definitions trom 1811 Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue, compiled by Captain Grose, London Ribald Classic 


nurnre. A clap. The blowen tipped the 
e the gentle- 


swell a burner: The girl g 
man a clap. 

CwiirLoweR. A large white wig such as 
is commonly worn by the dignified clergy 
Also, the private parts of a woman, as in 


the following story: A woman who was 


giving evidence in a case wherein it was 


necessary to express those parts made use 


of the term cauliflower, for which the 
on the bench reproved her, saying 
lit as well call it an artichoke, "Not 
so, my lord," replied she. "for an artichoke 
has a bottom, but a cnt and a cauliflower 
have none 

CHEEKS. "Ask cheeks near cunnybor 
The repartee of a St. Giles fair 


one who bids you ask her backside. In 
France, anyone aski 
town of Micon would be answered by a 
Mettez wilre nez 


dans mon cul et vous serrez dans les 


g the distance to the 


lady of easy virtue: 


faubourgs” ("Put your nose in my ass and 
you'll be in the neighborhood") 

CHOAK rear, Figuratively, an. unanswer 
able objection. Also, a machine formerly 
used in Holland by robbers: it was of 
iron, shaped like a pear. This they forced 
into the mouths of persons from whom 
they intended to extort m 
turning a key, certain interior springs 
thrust forth a number of points in all 
directions, so that it could not be taken 
out except by cutting the mouth or ad- 
vertizing a reward for the key 

COCK ALLEY or COCK LANE. The private 
parts of à woman. 

CUNDUM. The dried gut of a sheep worn 
by men in the act of coition to prevent 


iey and, on 


vencreal infection; said to have been 
idum. ‘These 
x prepared and sold 


invented by one Colonel 


machines were 
by a matron named Philips 
€ ister in Half-Moon Street, That lady, 
having acquired a fortune, retired from 
business; but, learning that the town was 


t the Green 


oo 


Poo CHEEKS -—] 


[SWEET HEART | 


not well served by her successors, she, 


out of patriotic zeal for the public wel 
fare, returned to her occupation, 

DUCK P-ckER. The man who has care of 
the poultry on board a ship of war 
EVE'S cUSTOMMOUSE. Where Adam made 
his first entry 

FART CATCHER. A valet or footman, from 
his walking behind his master or mistress. 
vine sum. A wench with venereal disease 


GREEN GOWN. To give a girl a green 
gown: to tumble her on the g 
IRISH LEGS. Thick leg 


s 
It is said of Irish 
women that they have a dispensation 
from the Pope to wear the thick ends 
of their legs downward. 

LAWFUL BLANKET. A wife 

Loncock. A large, relaxed penis. Also, 
dull, inani 


€ fellow 


murr. The private parts of a woman, To 
the well wearing of your muff: To the 


happy consummation of your marriage. 
rc. A police officer. A China Street pig: 
a Bow Street officer. Floor the pig and 
bolt: Knock down the officer and flee 
riss POT HALL. A house at Clapton, near 
Hackney, built by a potter chiclly out of 
the profits from chamber pots in the 
bottom of which the portrait of Dr. 
Sacheverell was depicted. 

viss-rxoub. Having a false erection: That 
old fellow thought he had an erection, 
but his c-ck was only piss-proud. Said of 
any old fellow who marries a young wife. 
QUEER PLUNGERS, Cheats who throw them- 
selves into the water in order that they 
may be taken up by their accomplices, 
who carry them to one of the | 
the Humane Society used for the re- 


uses of 


covery of drowned persons, where they 
arc rewarded by the society with a guinea 
cach to relieve their supposed great 
necessity 

RANTUM SCANTUM. Playing at rantum 


scantum: mak the beast with two 
backs, 

RIDING SAINT GEORGE, The woman upper 
most in the amorous congress; that is, 
the dragon upon Saint George. This is 


said to be the way to get a bishop. 


TO ROGER. To bull. or lie with, a woman 
from the name of Roger being frequently 
given to a bull 

Sh-r sack, A dastardly fellow. Also, a 
nonconformist. This appellation is said 
to have come from this story: After the 
Restoration, laws against the noncon- 
formists being severe, they often met in 
barns frequented by beggars and va 
grants, Once, one of their preachers 
being suspended in a sack for want of a 
tub to stand on, was addressing his con 
tion about the terror of the Day of 
nent. A puppetshow trumpeter, hid 
under some straw, sounded the charge 


throwing all into consterns 


n and pro. 
tom of the 


ducing an effect at the | 
preacher's sack 

SWEET HEART, A term applicable to either 
a girl's lover or 
from a sweet cake in the shape of a heart 
rrr. A horse: A pretty little tit. A smart 
little girl. A delicate morsel 

roast. A health, Also, a beautiful woman 
whose health is often drunk by men. The 
1 of this term was this: A beautiful 
y bathing in a cold bath, one of her 
E gallantry, drank some of 
r. Whereupon, another of her 


man's mistress: derived 


admirers, out 
the wa 
lovers observed that he never drank in 
but that he would kiss the 
toast, and immediately saluted the lady so. 
VAULTING sCHoOL, A bawdyhouse. Also, 
an academy where vaulting and other 
manly exercises are taught. 

VICK-ADMIRAL OF THE NARROW SEAS, A 
drunken man that pisses under the table 


into his companions’ shoes 
WINDWARD PASSAGE, One who navi- 


tes windward passage. A sodomite. 


PLAYBOY 


158 plantation he is able to pick up cheap 


8,000,000 STORIES 55 page 142) 


how come the author is addressing me 
from the shore of a tropical isle? 

"The answer to A is, if not, may my sun- 
| fade in a day. The answer to B is 
nk S a has a gag in his patter 
goes, "New York—you know, the 
capital of Puerto Rico." Like all current 
New York yoks, this contains a viru- 
lent germ of truth—and it's not just that 
there are more Ricans in the city than 
there are in San Juan. 


That's why I'm in Palmas del Mar, the 


retarded. brain child of Charles Fraser, 
who built Sea Pines Plantation in Hilton 
Head, South Carolina. Fraser's concept is 
to take remote, naturally endowed, 
underpriced parcels of land, build toy 
cities on them, flog the apartments to 
ecutives and professionals whe 
get away from cities overrun by them 
and delray the owners’ costs by manag- 
ing the rental of the units to vacationing 
families. Paln to be Fraser's Big 
Pineapple, 8000 condominiums over a 
ten-year period on 2800 acres with six 
miles of beach. The money came from 
the Chase Manhattan Real Estate Invesi 
ment Trust (REIT), a dodge that allows 
New York's second biggest to 
gamble in highly speculative projects far 
from Flatbush without kibitzing from 
banking authorities. Needless to say, the 
Chase has no ten-year plan for turning 
Manhattan into an island. paradise. The 
New York banks’ long-range strategy has 
heen to let the city deteriorate while in- 
vesting heavily in instant residential 
complexes where the white-light set can 
escape the deterioration, Here's the 
scenario by which New York acts out its 
death wish, Puerto Rican division: 

st Spain is forced to hand over 
Puerto Rico to end the Spanish-American 
War, a land grab cooked up by the New 
York press as a circulation promotion. 

Then the New York Democratic 
machine creates a vote-buying scheme 
cleverly disguised as a welfare system that 
suckers Puerto Rico's underclass into 
moving en masse to the city, thereby 
destroying the island's basic industry, 
agriculture, 

New York doesn’t exactly lift its lamp 
beside the golden door for the Puerto 
Ricans, preferring to pay the price in 
ry losses, tough schools and stitch- 
ing up head wounds in 79-year-old ladies. 

Then the banks refuse to lend to 
people who want to build housing in 
New York because it's a high-risk area— 
i.e., too many P.R.s. 

But the Chase has to do something 
with its depositors’ money, so it lends it 
to a guy who wants to build 8000 sun 
fun huts in Puerto Rico for New Yorkers 
who want to get away from Puerto 
s to build on a sugar 


because all the potential cane cutters are 
on welfare in New York. 

As any moron could have told David 
Rockefeller, people who dislike Puerto 
Ricans are not about to plunk down 
$105,000 for a two-bedroom hideaway in 
Puerto Rico, So Palmas bombs and its 
$70,000,000 loan from Chase's REIT 
sour. The same thing happens to so 
many loans in the banks' portfolios that 
there's talk of REIT bankruptcies—even 
of sending David on a long vacation. 

So the banks find themselves cash short 
and have to cut back sharply on new 
loans. If they trimmed their loans to 
business, there would be yelps of 
crunch" and calls for a Congressic 
vestigation that would reveal that they 
e milking the cities to buy into the 
cond im crapshoot. Instead, they 

y discover that the city of New 
k's budget isn't balanced, which is 
ke suddenly discovering that Yasir Ara 
fat isn't a member of B'nai B'rith. Go to 
Palmas del Mar, have three piña coladas 
with double Ron del Barrilito and you, 
too, will see that the so-called New York 
fiscal crisis is ally a medi k for 
the capital crisis in the citys—i.e. the 
nation's—banking system. 

In other words, the reason for New 
York's current fiscal mess isn't that the 
city’s finances have recently been mis- 
managed. The city's finances have always 
been mismanaged. The reason the poo- 
poo hit the propeller is that the banks 
would rather piss their—i.e,, our—money 
away on pie-in-the-sky middle-of-nowhere 
neo-pseudo-para-cities than bail out the 
actual city. 

Now, all cities are always falling apart. 
The trick is to build them up faster than 
they're crumbling. Years ago, the banks 
decided to quietly stop building New 
York's housing stock and pacified the city 
fathers by giving them an unlimited line 
of revolving credit, to be “invested” in 
municipal services that would somewhat 
compensate New Yorkers for the dilapida 
tion of the city's physical plant. Now this 
line has been choked off. A deputation 
from Wall Street has assumed control of 
the city’s finances and is cutting serv. 
ices—police, fire, garbage, hospitals, ed- 
ucation—in an attempt to balance the 
books. No way: The reduction of services 
will drive more of the middle class from 
the city, further erode the tax base, fur 
ther decrease revenues and force the city 
deeper into bankruptcy. 

For a decade, New York has been 
comatose, its vital processes hopelessly 
impaired, hooked up to the fiscal equiv- 
alent of a positive pressure respira 
capable of delaying death indefinitely but 
not of restoring life. Now the plug has 
been pulled. The Democratic nominces 
for the Presidency could have a head start 


ma 


at rescuing New York. Unlike their Re- 
publican opponents, Jimmy Carter and 
Walter Mondale are two of the 71 North 
a members of the Trilateral 
Commission, whose recommendations 
precipitated the city's crisis (more on that 
later). Still, I could throw around all the 
journalistic shoulds and musts 1 wanted, 
but the brutal, mortal fact of the n 
is that New York City isn't going to be 
saved, not by the Federal Government 
by Jimmy Carter or by the Tooth F: 
New York is farblundget. Ne 
over and out, New York is up shit's creek 
without its water wi 


Amer 


ter 


You dwell (said he) in the City of 
Destruction... — JOHN BUNYAN, 
Pilgrim's Progress 


In the Sixties, liberals wanted to save 
the world. Now they'll settle for the five 
boroughs of New York. Articles about 
saving the city have become a major 
category of journalism. All of the: 
one fallacy: They assume that N 
can be saved. 

When I began this piece, I w 
save New York, too. After all, I'm a 
product of New York. I look like New 
York. I think like New York, I talk like 
New York. I grew up there. I went to 
college there. I fell in love there, My son 
was born there. My g e 
buried there. When I was a kid, I loved 
New York. I don't mean I liked it a lot— 
I mean I wanted to fuck it in its dark 
throbbing places. 

I still love New York. To prove it to 
t live there. I met a Spaniard 
the other day at a charming litle inn 
called Hacienda Gripinas high in the 
mountains of Puerto Rico. I asked him 
how things were in Spain now. "Oh," 
he said, "I do not live there. I live in 
London. No one who truly loves Spain 
could bear to live there," I love New 
York so much that the only time I go 
there is to have my teeth. checked. I've 
got a celebrity dentist from Hong Kong 
who's the only one in the world who 
charges enough for me to trust to put h 
hand in my mouth. But 1 wanted to save 
the city so much that even though my 
teeth felt great, I checked into a suite 
an East Side hotel and began making 
forays in search of The Answer 

I went to the South Bronx with the 
director of the 
and saw square miles of the city reduced 
to rubble by arsonists hired by racketeers 
who buy buildings and torch them for 
the insurance. I saw that there was only 
one guy trying to rebuild anything there 
and he had to surround his buildings 
with a tenfoothigh chain link fence 
topped with concertina wire and close off 
the streets around them with gates 
manned by street gangs armed with 

(continued on page 195) 


xdparents 


you—I doi 


yor's arson task force 


a rugged reminder that the celts make more than one kind of whiskey 


drink By EMANUEL GREENBERG 


THE IRISH ARE COMING. Again! There 
aren't too many who would remember, 
but less than a century ago, Irish whiskey 
was the world's reigning spirit. Phylloxera 
had ravaged French vineyards, drying up 
the supply of brandy—literally—and 
Scotch was not widely known beyond 


Great Britain. No fewer than 400 brands 
of Irish whiskey were registered in the 
United States. Even in England, Irish was 
esteemed. When you asked for whiskey at 
a gentlemen's club, Irish was what you 
got, which from the Hibernian point of 
view was simply their manifest destiny. 

After all, hadn't they invented whis- 
key—with a little help, perhaps, from 


H 
z 
Š 
i 
d 
$ 
B 


PLAYBOY 


160 


nt Patrick himself? Didn't the word 
y come from the Gaelic uisge? And 
n't it Irish scribes who glorified the 
ater of life? James Joyce reflected on 
“the light music of whiskey falling into 
glasses.” The beloved Thomas Moore 
wrote, “Never was philter found with 
such power to charm and bewilder, as this 
we are quaffing.” And some ancient 
descanter observed that "it keepeth . 


the cies from dazeling . . . the toong from 
lisping . . . the mouth from maffling . . . 
the stomach from wambling . . . the bones 


from aking . . . trulie a sovereigne 
liquore if it be orderlie taken." Of course 
whiskey was an lrish franchise—just as 
the Good Lord intended. 

Then something happened. And it 
wasn't the blight of Prohibition, a world 
economic slump or any such blarney that 
tumbled Irish whiskey from its lofty posi- 
It was the advent of a clean, light 
bodied, less assertive spirit type—blended 
Scotch. This new whisky was well suited 
to the modern palate and pa idea 
whose time had come, Soon the pungent, 
liquorous, pot-still Irish whiskey became 
an anachronism, The handwriting was 
on the wall, but it took 50 years for the 
stubborn Irish distillers to face 

When they finally decided to join the 
20th Century, they went all the way, In 
1966, the major producers formed a new 
company, Irish Distillers Ltd., whose 
avowed purpose was to regain Irish whis 
key's eminent position in the world, with 
the United States market a prime target 
First priority for the consortium was a 
restructuring of the product, and a vast 
new distillery complex was begun in 
Midleton, County Cork. 

Model for the new Irish, and it's no 
secret, is the extremely successful blended 
Scotch. A couple of Irish brands have 
played up this similarity, presenting them- 
selves as v: tions on the Scotch theme. 
However, there are notable differences, 
most obvious being the smoky, peaty 
aroma characteristic of Scotch—absent in 
Trish. 

At times it appears that the LD.L. is 
overzealous in its embrace of modern 
marketing techniques. "The number of 
brands exported to the United States has 
been severely restricted, But whiskey buffs 
can take comfort in the fact that all the 
Irish shipped here is good; carefully se- 
lected, tailored to the American palate 
after extensive consumer research. Paddy's 
is rather full, a masculine whiskey with a 
residual tang of the pot—something for 
bourbon drinkers to investigate. Tull 
more Dew is light-bodi 
pered—a whiskey that should appeal to 
those who lean to Canadia meson 
offers roundness and a 
touch of the grain in its delicate bou- 
quet. It fills the gap between Tullamore 
Dew and Paddy's. Powers, with little 
distribution, may be the heaviest, and 


smooth, t 


Dunphy's is the lightest of the Irish ex- 
ports to our shores—one that neophytes 
might try. Also available—a 12-year-old 
Jameson, JJ 12, and an aged Tullamore 
Dew in crock—the closest thing we have 
to full-bodied potstill Irish. The only 
whiskey distilled in Northern Ireland is 
Old Bushmills, from “the world’s o 
licensed distillery.” It is clean and me- 
dium-bodied, with just a whiff of peat— 
allegedly from peat-flavored water in the 
mash; almost a link between Irish and 
Scotch. The distilling industries of North- 
ern Ireland and the Republic are now 
afhliated, and one can only hope it’s an 
omen for the future. 

You'll find the new Irish whiskeys 
pleasant sipping on the rocks and affable 
mixers, too. A lot of Irish whiskey is taken 
in coffee. The Irish«collec capital of the 
world is the Buena Vista Café in San 
Francisco. On a good day, the Bee Vee 
pours 2500 cups of the Gaelic grog. 

Whiskey is not the only spirit produced 
in Ireland, Others worth knowing are 
Potcheen—a_ clear, water-white whiskey 
(not a vodka and hard to find Irish 
Mist, an excellent whiskey-based 1 
eetened with heather honey: 
inal Irish Coffee Liqueur— 
ble here. 

Following are inviting drinks made 
with the highly blendable new Irish 
whiskeys and other Irish spirits. 


lest 


BURNISHED NAIL 


34 oz. Irish whiskey 

14 oz. Irish Mist 

wr over ice in rocks glass, Stir. 
Lemon slice optional. 


HANDSHAKE 


114 ozs. Irish whiskey 

4 oz. curaqao 

1⁄4 oz. cream 

Shake briskly with cracked ice, Strain 


into cocktail glass. 


Everyone's heard of Irish coffee. but a 
tot of whiskey in tea is also popular in 
Ireland. 

GAELIC TEA 


Irish whiskey 
Irish tea, or other full-bodied, fragrant 
black tea 

Honey or jam, to taste 

Lemon slice 

Add about an ounce of whiskey to 
cach cup or mug of tea, Don't pour too 
much—heat brings up the whiskey flavor 
Add honey or jam to taste and top with 
lemon slice. Sip slowly. 


PLOUGHBOY 


114 ozs. Irish whiskey 

poons apricot-flavored brandy 

2 teaspoons lemon juice 

Cherry 

Shake first three ingredients with ice. 


Strain into cocktail glass or over fresh 
ice in rocks glass. Garnish with cherry 


MISH ROSE 


114 ozs. Irish whiskey 
Juice of 14 small lime 
2 teaspoons grenadine, or to taste 
Club soda, chilled 
Shake first three ingredients with ice 
Strain into sour glass and fill with soda 


Stir lightly. 


BLOODY MOLLY 

2 ozs. Potcheen 

» juice 
e 


3 ozs. toma 

1 oz. clam ji 

14 oz. lime juice 

2 dashes Worcestershire 

Dash Tabasco 

Pinch cayenne 

Salt to taste 

Celery stick 

Pour Potcheen, juices and seasonings 
over ice in large old fashioned glass. Stir 
Garnish with celery stick 


LEPRECHAUN 


114 ozs. Irish whiskey 

Lime wedge 

Tonic water, chilled 

Pour whiskey over ice in tall glass 
Squeeze in lime, add rind. Fill with tonic 
Stir lightly 


MICHAEL COLLINS 


114 ous. Irish whiskey 
Juice of small lemon 
1 superfine sugar 
, chilled 

Lemon slice 

Pour whiskey, lemon juice and sugar 
into tall glass, Stir until sugar dissolves 
Add ice and fill with soda, Stir lightly 
rnish with lemon slice: 


MYST IRE 


12. 
more Dew over crushed 


old Tulla 
n small old 


Pour 2 ozs. JJ 


^ 
fashioned glass. Sip slowly to the strains 
of Galway Bay. 


IRISH AYE 


114 ozs. Irish Mist 

Lemon wedge 

3 ozs. club soda, chilled 

Pour Irish Mist over ice in hi 
glass. Squeeze in lemon, add rind. Stir; 
add club soda. 

Along with whiskey, you might enjoy 
the charming Irish custom of saying 
"healths." For instance, "May you be in 


heaven an hour before the Devil knows 
you're dead." Or "Here's wishing you 
the health of a salmon—a strong heart 
and a wet mouth." And then there's 
always "s — "Health and long life 


to you!” Amen. 


" And if we should fall into temptation, = f 
Lord, and indulge in unspeakable sexual À 
excesses in tbe New World, we 

solemnly promise You that we will 
feel very, very guilty afterward.” 


abide with me, indeed! at last, 
the true story of how our 


early settlers got their plymouth rocks off 


^ humor By J.B. Handelsman 
pom 


“This looks like a good spot— 
natural barbor, running brook, 
sandy beaches, fields, forests, 
recreational facilities... ." 


“ And another very 
important thing 
Captain Standish 
particularly wanted 
me to tell you...” 


"Paleface ""Ub—ob! 
not bere for Paleface 
religious freedom. repressed 
Paleface bere bomosexual 
lo screw Indians.” with compulsion 
tocarry big 

phallic 
symbol.” 


The Lord sayeth 
+No smoking: 


N 
“Don't be 
ridiculous, 
woman! Do 
you imagine 
for one moment 
that Jm 


enjoying this?” 


“She insists 
on wearing these 
flimsy bodices that 
become transparent 
when wet, and so she 
has to be punished.” 


“What J have 
to tell you 
is this: 

You are 
going to be 
à founding 
father.” 


162 


pe 
e 
a 
» 
s 
a 
& 


SEX IN CINEMA- 1976 


ly bedded. But Snuff seemed 


ectly into the hands of the 


quite hap 


to play 


procensorship forces in America. Allan 
Shackleton. 


first more 


e film's distributor, was at 


I lend credence 


ian willing 
to the story that a murder had actually 
taken place—that a young woman had 
ged, then butchered for the 
benefit of the camera. A kind of whisper 


been dr 


npaign kept the question of “snuff 
movies" (as if there were more than one) 
alive for months. When the film finally 


opened in New York this 


the morbidly curious turnec 


ast February, 


»ut in droves, 


Although critics unanimously panned it 


ind editorial writers deplored it, the 
picture racked up a record $66,156 in 
its first week, Only when the authorities 
let it be known that if a murder had 
actually been committed, everyone asso. 
ciated with the film could be held crim. 


inally liable did the distributors change 


their tune, Receipts declined accordingly 


The question of what the American 


in the way « xual explicitness has 


seldom been fuzzier than it is at present 


And this confusion, naturally ¢ 1. is 
Motion Pic Associa 


ca's rating system. Early in 


tion of Ame 
rt Redford, 

President's Men, per 
the 


the year, R 
the film A € 
sonally appealed the decision o 
M.P.A.A., whic 


victure an R rating 
I 


had originally given the 
because of Dustin 
Hoffman's numerous. variation: the 


word fuck. The rating was sul 


quently 
changed to PG e ad 
vised. Althou 
M.P.A.A., flat 


ment. applic 


parental 
Jack Valenti, head of the 


stated. that “this judg 


to this specific film only,” 
the infiltration of four-letter words into 
PG- und R-rated movies can hardly be 
ignored. Similarly, frontal nudity is 
now permissible in the PG classification 


with Smile, Gator, Embryo and Lifeguard 


(s random samples, Even b 


once an almost automatic guarantee of an 
X rating, now turns up in the PGs. What 
happened in Bobbie Gentry's ballad Od. 
» Billy Joe to cause Billy Joc 


Tallahatchie- Bridge, we 


o fling 
himself off. the 
learn in the song's 1976 film version 
was that Billy Joe had had a previous 
homosexual relationship—rated PG. And 
ilthough ratings are presumed to take 
into account violence as well as sex, one 
wonders at the PG accorded The Return 
of a Man ¢ Horse. Not only d 


ax initiation rites of A Man C 


e (this time with about a half c 


ilor 


1 couple of rapes, the horren 


with Richard Harris); it includes 
1 


tacle of an Indian slashing his own eyes 


with a knife and an edifying few mo- 


ments in which Harris solicits informa 


(continued from p IH 
tion from a stake 


small bonfire in 


The real gripe about ratings, many 


feel, is that they are 


a far better chance than an ind 


me of having a rating chang 


tieth Century-Fox, for exam 
with the possibility of having Charlton 
Heston, of all people 
X-rated film—was able to get the X 
originally applied to The Last Hard 


Men changed to an R, without cut 


appear in an 


€ film. Redford's experience with A 
t t's Men has been 1 ned. 
Ar iven to Paramount's $ ] 
seems fairly lenient. The film, which 
recounts the grim fate of a um 
whose plane crashes in the pre 
sents in grisly detail the players’ efforts 
to survive by eating the flesh of their 


dead comrades, down to such niceties as 
how to strip the meat from a corpse 
Also open to question is the R 


M.P.A.A. awarded to Di 


relentlessly v 


at Parar 


cline release it, even though it h 
been made as a follow-up to CC 
ud also violent) Mandingo of the pi 
year. We once more at Falcon 
v 1 stud farm for slaves, but now it's 
X ars later—getting on toward the 
Civil War. Yet history has a way of re 


peating itself, especially in the movies. 


Once more, we see a bare-knuckled fight 
in the courtyard of a New Orleans brothel 
Once more, we're off udity 
ind considerable xo chí 
we also have of con: 
scent teenaged daughter of Warren 
who has replaced Perry King of 


I 
the original cast) unbuttoning the flies 
of all the sturdier male slaves—while 
threatening to cry “rape” if they squeal 
on her. There's an ugly fight 


in unarmed Drum (Ken Norto: 


hug knife-wic ag black, e 

the villai white ho 

Colico: e advances Drum has re 
jected. Norton and hi 
pal Yaphet ire stripped naked 
hung by the heels and whipped for a 


minor infraction of Falconh 
Ther 


niggers” and in 


revolt in which shovels and scythes 


tted against rifles and rev 


Drum manages to av e himself against 


only 1976 film in 


bids fair to become a cliché in foi 


films, as we shall see later on, Most ma 


American studio’ wever, found a less 


risky, potentially profitable combination 


nd violence 


in rape 


they could exploit with relative impu 
nity. Naturally, the film makers come « 
is Cecil B. DeMille 


»u can't be against sin 


without sl sin i 

Perhaps the most powerful example of 
the rape genre is Lipstick, directed 
Lamont Johnson (who subsequently 


mitted that the film's ending was exces 
i). Within the 
n model Margau: 


y a mild-mannered 


first half hour, fas 


Hemingway is rapec 


music teacher (Chris Sarandon, wh 
Al Pacino’s transsexual "wife" in D 
1). When the case 


defense argues that if a woman 
er sex for pr she deser 


m to attempt another r 


o Margaux's younge 
ny her real-life 


Mariel 


Hemingw 


the enchanting 
Margaux 


moment, shooting € 


in the c 


Meanwhile, however, t 


trial p ity, she ha 
nirers and jobs, It's impo: 
t that when she blasts off 
e's not protectin 
he's getting some of he 
This theme, that outraged virtue 


itself an excuse for violent action, rec 


1976. In T 


Coburn, an € 


frequently in the films 
Last H Men, Jame 


caped con at the turn of the cer 


captures lawman Heston’s nubile dau 
ter (Barbara Hershey) in retaliatio 

the killing of his Indian wife, Cobu 
vengeance: a gang-bang of Hershey 

the father is forced to Ic n ion in 
J County J gets under 


when ad executive 


car and posessic 
hitchhikers, is thrown into jail for lack of 
identification—and is promptly raped b 
her She kills man, the 
on a ¢ spree fellow inmate 
Tom Jone T i 
low-bu mel . 
you Lamm I 
An in she i ! 

ig of D ods, then sole 

ct Strip vice Oddly enou; € 

ecides that she really likes the 


luxuries M accompany a life of sin 


until s slugged and kicked to deatl 
by one of her more sadistic clients. The 
her brother (Jim Mitchum king f 
all the world like 
low villains rem a 
ing them, singly and i aches, to t 
particularly unattracti ths. 

The pattern, of course ne 

ash, Death Wish, which alio began 
with rape and murder and ended 

resorting to vigilante action 


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166 


SEX IN CINEMA- 1976 


Such a lack of confidence in the crime- 
abilities of our ordained forces 
of law and order is ende 
group of films, all of which betray a pro- 
found rightwing bias, Trackdown, in 
fact, goes so far as to state that the police 
find their hands tied by the civil liber 
tarians, In Breaking Point, starring 
towering Bo Svenson, the cc 
protect a witness to 

When the M brutalize his 
family, Svenson emerges from the Gana 
dian hide-out provided by the police and 
proceeds to settle the score—by means 
including the apparent castration of one 
of the gangs more obstreperous mem 
Norma Jean, purporting 
to he the biography of Marilyn Monroe, 
bases her lifelong aversion to sex on an 
carly encounter with a motorcycle. cop 
rapes her instead of citing her for 
ng. After that, it’s men, men. men 
(and one woman), but neither she nor 


ic to this entire 


nd killing 


hers. Goodbye, 


they gain much satisfaction. from their 
encounters 

Prostitution. of course, has long been 
a popular cinematic subject; bur in 1976, 
it seemed to be hotter than ever. It, t00, 
was generally tied to violence 
epitomized in Martin Scorsese's brutal, 
brilliant Taxi Driver, Psychotic hackie 
Robert De Niro’s lapse into madness and 
mayhem is triggered when the teenaged 
prostitute (Jodie Foster) he has befriended 
and wants to help decides that she 
really prefers life on the streets with her 


as best 


(continued from page 161) 
pimp. At first, De Niro attempts to vent 
his rage on the only authoritarian figure 
he knows, a liberal Presidential candi 
date. Thwarted by Secret Service body 
guards, he goes berserk, shooting down 
the pimp, the manager of a shabby 
midtown hotel that rents to. prostitutes, 
even one of the girl's clients. Since the 
last was a gangster, the slaughter ironi 
cally turns De Niro into a hero, at least 
for the moment. Incidentally, cabby De 
Niro derives, it seems, nearly all his 
entertainment. from the hard-core stag 
movies shown along Manhattan's raunchy 
Eighth Avenue. When he takes. WASPy 
Cybill Shepherd out on a date, he escorts 

soft-core 


her to something classier 
porno house on 42nd Street—and can't 
understand why she's upset by the show 

In Robert Aldvich’s Hustle, the her 
oine (Catherine Deneuve) is a high 
priced callgirl, symbol of a society that 
puts a price tag on everything. During 
her layoffs, she consorts with police 
lieutenant Burt. Reynolds, but the rela 
tionship is uneasy: He can't quite put 
her profession out of his mind, while 
she—much like Karen Lamm in Track 
down—is unwilling to for n 
perks. When Reynolds’ investigation into 
the drug death of a teenaged girl leads 
to a wealthy lawyer (Eddie Albert) whose 
connections extend from a porno ring to 
city hall, his conscience briefly surfaces— 
only to be snuffed out in the film's 
abrupt and arbitrary finale, The implica 


its ple 


“That won't be necessary; the young 
lady'sa nymphomaniac." 


tion is that the callgirl, at least, has been 
true to herself, while the 
into compromises between his conscience 
and his career, In the low-budgeted The 
Commitment, the wile of a confirmed 
gambler becomes a prostitute to cover 
her husband's debts: in the more sub 
ally financed The Duchess and the 
Dirtwater Fox, Goldie Hawn plays a 
San Francisco saloon singer who isn't 
above a little play for pay on the side 
The point is not so muth that the 
screen today is proliferating with prosties 
but that—at least in the movies—pros 
titution seems to have lost its traditional 
To be sure, there were easy ladies, 
goodhearted ones. onscreen before: 
during the ‘Thirties, they were often 
played by such top stars as Joan Craw 
ford, Bette Davis, Marlene Dietrich, 
Greta Garbo and, of 
West, But in the end, most ladies of ill 
repute either died horribly or were 
ignominiously carted off to jail. No long 
er. In. Hustle 
scrupulous Reynolds, is the survivor. The 
Duchess and the Dirtwater Fox contrives 
10 bring Hawn amd George Segal, who 
plays an inept gambler and an even 
more inept bank robber, together for 
what is presumably a happy end 
They have cach other and the loot 
This cha 
more precisely in the documentary Mus 
tang: The House That Joe Built, a 
feature-length study of the maison de joie 
known as Mustang Bridge Ranch, a 
complex of trailers near Reno, Nevada. 
which is described in the film as the 
nation’s largest brothel. Nevada legalized 
prostitution in 1970, and Joe Conforte 
t, cigar-chewing impre 
has benefited enormously thereby 
The film argues persuasively that treati 
prostitution as just another business n 
only minimizes the risk of ga 


op is forced 


course, Mac 


Deneuve, not the more 


in outlook is reflected 


a squat, flambo: 


th 1 
fits as well. (What it never quite succeeds 
in minimizing is the fact that the girls 
at Mustang, on LHhour shifts, seem to 
be every bit as weary and exploited as 


filtration but carries certain hea 


their sisters who prowl the streets in 
states less enlightened than Nevada) As 
a first look at the inner workings of a 
house of prostitution, however, this film 
by Robert Guralnick is impressive for its 
doesn't everybody?” attitude and for 
its lingering image of Conforte comfort 
ably raking in the dough. 

Another cultural change may be noted 
in the Martin Poll-Lewis John Carlino 
production of The Sailor Who Fell from 
Grace with the Sea (subject of a vivid 
PLAYBOY pictorial last July). Tradition 
ally, a movie widow has mourned for 
her dearly departed, raised her sons to 
respect his memory and steadfastly rc 
nounced all fleshly joys. Not so in The 
Sailor. Basing his script on a- Japanese 
novel by Yukio Mishima, Carl 
ferred the action to 
town where the be 


o t 
n English se 
ed Sarah Miles 


6 ESWTCo. 


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PLAYBOY 


168 


masturbates before a photograph of her 


late husband—while being spi 


upon 
by her 13-year-old son, The voyeurism 


continues when Miles meets up—and 


beds down—with ship's officer Kris Kris 
tofferson. The boy responds to their 
impassioned lovemaking in a fashion that 
is part Japanese, part Oedipal Greek 
With his school cronies, who feel that a 


sailor should remain true to his calling, 


he manages to dispose of this rival for 
his mother's affections in a singularly 
dispassionate yet bloodthirsty way. "Like 


the act of love,” ads for Sailor read, “this 


film must be experienced from beginning 


to end. Therefore, no one will be seated 
once the picture starts.” I rather doubt 
that this stricture has been rigorously en 
forced by the theaters, but the acts of love 
depicted by Miles and Kristofferson 


remain the most uninhibitedly erotic this 


side of the porno houses, and the film 
itself is an enl 


ghtened attempt to broad 
en the experiential range of American 
moviegoers. 


Unfortunately, too many of this year's 


movies, at least those distributed by the 


major companies, relegate sex to the dirty 
joke category. Paramount's The First 
Nudie M is just that. Nudity 


Mone is supposed to lure 


suckers, 


since the movie exhibits no evidence of 
Jugs 
Speed—with Raquel Welch as the 
titular Jugs—attempts to combine the 
bold irreverence of M*4*5*H with an 
action-oriented, Bullitt-style plot, and 
IW 
for Now, directed by Norman Panama, is 


wit, style or inspiration, Me 


fails on both counts, Z W 


1 sex comedy from the Fifties replete with 


the wrong couples in the wrong bed 
rooms: this time, the setting is a sup 
posedly “with it" sex clinic. The film is an 
embarrassment, made more so by the stel 
lar presences of Elliott Gould, Diane Kea 
ton, Paul Sorvino and Victoria Principal 

Once 


indicate how far we really have traveled 


n, it took a documentary to 


Sandstone is an Nrated. (but far from 
pornographic) study of the lifestyle in a 
Southern California retreat that encour 
ages the full and free exploration of all 
forms of human sexuality, Tucked away 
in the mountains above Malibu, Sand 
stone was started in 1969 by John Wil 
liamson, a former space engineer; and 
while its initial appeal may have been 
to psychologically aware and sexually 
jaded members of the upper middle class, 
by the time film makers Jonathan and 
Bunny Dana began this documentary 
Sandstone's roster also included a num 
ber of blue-collar people. (Such class 
distinctions, not immediately apparent 
when the members have their clothes off 
are revealed. through oncamera inter 
views with prospective initiates in their 
own homes.) Particularly impressive is the 
lack of self-consciousness with which the 


people at Sandstone, often nude, discuss 


their emotional hang-ups, not to mention 


heir lack of inhil 
| 


ion when the camera 


prow wound the in the free-f 


on that closes the 


grope-and-grapple se 


Significantly, $ t 


Mer 


trials described b 


is during the repressive porno 
ichard Rhodes in la 

month's PLAYBOY, and without any 
i 


may mean that the distinctions between 


ference fre e local authorities 


hard-core films and open, honest explora 


tion of human sexuality and eroticism are 


wing a bit clearer, It’s proba 
too carly to say, since neither the 
nor the industry's own M.P.A.A. 


come up with substantive guidelines a 


to what actually constitutes porno; 
Just possibly, however, the public is 


beginning to make its own defin 


Last year, Columbia undertook the 
tribution of the French-made X-rated 
E nuelle—and did very well with 
it, earning a substantial $10,000,000 in 


the American market, where it played 


mainly in art houses and neighborhood 
low 
year acquired a sequel, Emmanue 
Jor Woman; Allied Artists took on 
The Story of O (also a French import 


woiding the porn palac 


ing Columbia's le Paramow 


it 


id United Artists gave us the 


based Inserts, starring Richard Dreyfuss 
Of the three films 


the most ambitious, with Dreyfuss, fresh 


Inserts is certainly 


from his successes in The App’ p 
of Duddy Kravitz and Jaws, playing an 
overthehill director, a Wunderkind of 


the Twenties reduced by drugs anc 


in the early 
1 


hol to making porne 


Thirties. ‘The film, written and directed 
by youthful John Byrum as a kind of 
tour de force, takes place entirely 


iu 
within onc 


m of a Spanish-style 


Hollywood mansion soon to be razed to 


make way for a freeway, Dreyfuss—called 
simply Boy Wonder—uses its baronial 


living room as his sound stage, with a 


et consisting mainly of one bed 
On it he is shooting a sta ie— 
until his star (Veronica Cartwright) O.D.s 


and he is forced to manufact 


stitute out of his sponsor's giddy girl 


1 (Jessica Harper) She wants to 
know what “inserts” are and, embold 
ened by brandy, he demonstrates. (In 
film language, an insert is an extreme 
close-up of some specific detail in a larger 
scene, It also has a sexual connotation 
of course, and Byrum is not one to let 
us forget it.) For all its sexual activity 

including the director's discovery that 


he isn't as impotent as he had sup 


producer's lady—the film remains strictly 


inserts with his 


once he starts shoo! 


soft-core, ironically so, because the inserts 


that might have made it ha 


never shown. Inserts was a curious career 
choice for Dreyfuss but, because of its 


$250,000), a money 


low budget (abou 
maker for United Artists 
Nor did Paramount make out badl 


of a We 


once again starring lissome Sylvia Kris 


in a continuation r heady 


tures in the Orient wit 


ith just a 
attractive male or f 


» encounter there. As 


e earlier film, the sexplay is virtuall 


nonstop, the women are handsome 


Robe isse's color cameras strik 
depict both the Far Eastern settings 

the fa happenings taking place in 
front of them. 


Allied Artists fared 
its French import The Story of O. based 


happily with 


on the famous erotic novel by 


pseudonymous Pauline Réage. This clas 
sic tale of a masochistic young lady 


submits to chains, beatings and 


forms of self-abasement in her search for 
sexual fulfillment wa so tentati 

filmed that her torments often seemed 
like tickles. To make matters worse for 
\ 1 low-budgeted independent pro 
duction, The Jo of O, very sex 
plicit, had prece Story into the 
market place by several months—and 


delivered what Story merely promised 


pendent purveyors of adult 


entertainment, 1976 proved to be a par 


ticularly rough year, especially after the 


Memphis wials, Federal harassment took 
All forms, even to fining shipping com 
panies for handling pictures that had 
been labeled obscene. As a result, many 
producers began playing it safe—or safer 
One of them, Louis Sher, eschewing 
further involvement in the field after an 


earlier Memphis 


aring, became a ma 
jor backer of the Broadway hit She 
doah—which is just about as safe as you 


t. Porno veteran Bill Osco, who 


his career shooting stag loo 


ipparently filmed his X-rated musica 
comedy version of Alice in Wonde 

with PLAYBOY cover girl Kristine De Bell 
i$ Alice) as hard-core, then subsequently 


chickened out. Mask 


xticals and blow 


conceal mu 


hard-core producers 
their pictures by beefing ui 
in Expose Me Lovely (wit 
debtedness to Far 

In Above 


with a nod to 


possessed by the Devil 
talki 


who persists in 


dirty through 


e lips of her 
1 Another talking box, coinc 


dentally, appears in the French-made 
Pussy T 


Other sex-film makers 


their product class by 


ing fees asked by the 


rno superstars— 
Terri Hall, John C. “Johnny Wadd 
Holmes and the like. Radley Metzger 


classiest of the skin merchants, actually 


transported his cast for TA 


Misty Beethoven to locat 


Op 
ł 


ms in Paris, 


Geneva and Rome, photographing i 


fashionable villas and handsome formal 


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PLAYBOY 


gardens his uninhibited (and uncredited) 
a of George Bernard Shaw's 
A sex writer and researcher 
(Jamie Gillis) makes a bet that he can 
take a Parisian hooker and within a y 
transform her into the most talked-about 
and sought-after international jet setter 
For a Parisian prostitute, Misty (the 
shapely and probably 
Constance Money) seems oddly untu 
tored; but by the time the picture is over 
of course, she has mastered every trick 
in the book, Just what Paris, Geneva 
and Rome had to do with it is a bit of a 


pseudonymous 


mystery, especially since the greater part 
of Misty's education takes place in bed. 
rooms; but it can't be disputed that the 
film's handsome production values—plus 
1 dildo scene that picks up where Myra 
Breckinridge lelt 
making this one of the more successful 
hard-core entries of 19 


oll—contributed to 


But the most obvious gambit, and the 
one most frequently resorted to as the 
year wore on, was for sex-film producers 
5 well as major companies to play down 
the sex scenes and hype up the violence 


In Cambist Films’ Ilsa, Harem Keeper 


of the Oil Sheiks, scenes of torture, dis- 
memberment and bloody 
death (includir he insertion of a high 
explosive into the vag 


exceedingly 


v1 of one of the 
sheik's hapless ex-harem favorites) far 
outnumber the sex sequences. San Fran 
cisco's Alex deRenzy, a pioneer in Amer 
ican skin flicks, this year offered up 
(with a self-imposed X) Femmes de Sade 


in which San Francisco prostitutes and 
their pimps wreak a lurid vengeance 
upon the ex-con who has been terroriz 
ing their fellow workers, In Farewell 
Scarlet, Terri Hall (seen last year to 
better advantage in The Story of Joanna) 
is murdered during an orgy, with a dildo 
stuffed down her pretty throat. The 
Naughty reverted to that 
period favorite A Man with a Maid to 


Victorians 


recount how four outraged ladies avenge 
themselves upon the pedagogue who has 
abused and seduced them, with the help 
of some of his schoolboy pupils. 

kinkiest 
was the Mitchell Brothers’ long 


Sodom and Gomorrah, 


release 
heralded 


Perhaps the year's 


an epic about 
those sinful sister cities of the Scriptures 


featuring a cast of hundreds, all looking 


like extras in those 
that J. Arthur Rank used to produce for 
English Sunday schools, right down to 
the crepe beards and papier-miché set 
tings. There, however, the resemblance 
ceased. According to the Mitchells, the 
impotent King Bera of Sodom has de 
creed that buggery is the only acceptable 


biblical pageants 


form of intercourse in his kingdom; any 
thing else is punishable by death—for 
the woman, death by impalement on a 
sharpened log rammed up her vagina. 
Even the Jim and Artic Mitchell like 
to insist that their movie is just campy 


good fun, the fun wasn’t jolly enough to 
recoup the film's $300,000 production 
cost 
All of which would scem to suggest 
that by 1976, the bloom was well off the 
porno peach, Wh 
ence for hard-core movies continues to 


the hard-core audi 


exist, all the added frills—such as the 
Paris locations (again) for Metzger's 
The Image or the $60,000 that Osco re- 
putedly sank into the musical score for 
Alice in Wonderland—merely upped the 


budgets, not the box office. Indeed, in 
the wake of the Memphis decisions, many 
communities that had previously adopted 
toward adult 


films suddenly turned to crackdowns, if 


a liveand-letlive policy 


not shutdowns. In California, the state 
supreme court, by a 4-3 ruling, extended 
its "public nuisance’ 
motion pictures, thus reversing a long 
established policy. To contain such “nui 
1 cities—following the lead 
ave sought to limit the num. 


statutes to include 


sances,” sev 


of theaters in which sexually explicit 


vies may be shown by restricting them 
to a kind of red-light district. In Boston, 
Seattle 
recently adopted similar legislation. Ironi 
cally, New York City would love to do 
so as well—but not around Times Squ 
(where it exists de facto already). 


it's known as the Combat Zoi 


Many newspapers now follow the lead 
of the Los Angeles Times, which seques 
ters all X-rated movies, regardless of their 
nature or source, into one section of the 


paper and prints both copy and pictures 


in tones of watery gray. Among other 


Times stipulations—no open mouths 
no prone positions and no quotes (not 
even quotes that the Times's own critics 
might have written). ‘The odd thing is that 
none of these measures really satisfies the 
crusaders who want to cleanse the screen 
of all sexual. material, nor does any of 
them act as a deterrent to patrons. Even 
in those cities where both newspapers 
t a total blackout on 


X-rated pictures, somehow the word still 


and TV stations exi 


gets around. 
Meanwhile, across the ocean, France 


nst hard. 
1975 but 


ng home industry 


which relaxed its strictures 


core porn in the spring of 


promptly hit this em: 


with staggering taxes—has become the 
new European center for sophisticated sex 


movies. Of France's 4328 moviehouses, 


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PLAYBOY 


172 


“Have a nice day in Congress, sweetie, and remember you promised 
not to screw up the ecology.” 


129 have now been licensed to show hard- 
core. At one point last year, as much as 40 
percent of the total box-office take in 
France was reported to come from sex 
films. And while their plots and ap 
proaches are reminiscent of American 
movies of five or six ycars ago, the French 
girls— Brigitte Ariel, Jane Birkin, Corine 
Clery, Sylvia Kristel, Penelope Lamou 
Brigitte Maier—are gorgeous, Small won. 
der that the American contingent at the 
Cannes Film Festival was seen with its 
tongues, and its checkbooks, hanging out 
The hottest item at Cannes this year 
was the  Franco-Japanese — productioi 
The Empire of the Senses. Its an ex- 
traordinary film. Directed by Nagis: 
Oshima, whose previous works have been 
more social than sexual, it depicts the 
consuming love between a serving girl 
(and onetime prostitute) and her over- 
sexed employer, a restaurant owner 
Although the man is married, the two 
perform a marriage ceremony (before a 
group of geishas) and proceed to live 
together as man and wife, performing 
their conjugal rites literally around the 
clock. Even so, the man slips off occa 
si also has the 
energy to perform—at the girl's behest— 
with an aged geisha. But as their love 
games become more arduous, she takes to 
strangling him to spur him on to the 
k of passion, first with her bare hands, 
n with a silken cord, And when, in 


lly to see his wife and 


one of these impassioned moments, he 
dies, she cuts off his penis and scrotum so 
that they will be eternally hers 

A postscript informs us that all of this 
really happened in Tokyo in 1936; but 
it hardly matters. The main thing is 
that Oshima makes it seem true—a Wa 
nerian Liebestod between two ordinary 


people whose love for each other blots 
out all other reality, And while the sex 
scenes are as frequent and explicit as in 
any porno I have ever seen, they have a 
totally different quality about them. This 
isn’t business-as-usual exploitation; this 
is sex as the ultimate expression of an 
overpowering love—a love that can kill 
10 experience the ultimate ecstasy, The 
performances (by Eiko Matsuda and 
ch 


Vatsuya Fuji) are perfection, and € 
shot has been designed as if for a print 
by one of the great Japanese masters of 
18th Century erotic art. 

The climactic castration in L'Empire 


des Sens is mercifully brief and only 
belatedly bloody. But it is hardly 
unique—witness the aforementioned ball 
breaking in Drum—and may actually be 
part of a disturbing trend, most notable 
in European movies, In Maitresse—di- 
rected by the avant-garde, often surreal 
Barbet Schroeder— petite Bulle Ogie 
erating a sort of psychological mas: 
parlor for masochistic misfits, icily 1 
client's penis to a board. In The Last 
Woman, a Francoltalian production 


directed by Marco Ferreri (whose previ- 
ous contribution was The Grande Bouffe), 
Gerard Depardieu, a factory worker 
estranged from his wife and shacking up 
with a young beauty, becomes so desper 
ate over the girl's constant belittling that 
he commits the penultimate suicidal act 
He cuts off his penis with an electric 
carving knife, 

The debasement of the male, the prick. 
ing of the macho principle, as it were, is 
probably as graphic in these films as it 
will ever be. In his own demonic way, 
however, Roman Polanski has added a 
few touches to the portrait in his French. 
made The Tenant, In it, Polanski him 
self plays the central character, a 
paranoid clerk who moves into the 
apartment of a girl who has committed 
suicide by leaping from its window. 
Gradually, he begins to assume her iden 
tity, smoking her cigarettes, wearing the 
makeup he finds left behind in her 
apartment. Frightened by sounds he 
hears in the walls, driven mad by his 
hallucinations, he finally abandons him- 
self entirely to her identity and, wearing 
her clothes, leaps from the window even 
as she had done. Few directors are more 
skilled than Polanski at making fear 
palpable; and in this instance, it’s the 


fear of a man so repressed that he must 
lose himself in the fatal guise of a woman 
But it remained for the films of Italy's 
Lina Wertmuller to show us how vulner 
able, and yet how durable, the male 
really is. An avowed disciple of (and 
former assistant to) Federico Fellini 
Wertmuller emerged with the almost 
simultaneous release here of Swept 
Away . nd Seven Beauties—not to 
mention her earlier works, The Seduction 
of Mimi, All Screwed Up and Let's Talk 
About Men—as one of the world's great 
film makers, Even John Simon agreed. 
Ardent feminists view Wertmuller's 
pictures as denigrating to the female per 
formers. They point to the debasement of 
Mariangela Melato by a brutal Giancarlo 
Giannini in Swept Away . . . and to the 
recurrence of prostitution in her films 


(Love and Anarchy is almost entirely set 
in a Roman brothel). What they seem to 
resent especially is the fact that the fore 
most woman director of our day isn’t out 
making "women's films”—whatever they 


may be. As so often happens when some- 
one is building a case, these critics see 
what they want to see and ignore the rest 
To be sure, Wertmuller seems to have a 
penchant for attractive, working-class 
males (generally played. by her favorite 
actor, Giannini). And usually they indulge 
in a good deal of sexist strutting and 
gering at the outset of the picture 
(or in Swept Away in the middle). 
But see what happens to them in thc 
end: In the last scene of Mimi, Giannini, 
for all his macho efforts to keep three 
families going simultaneously, is humili- 
ated and deserted by the girl he wants 


sw 


more than anything else. Giannini, who 
held total dominion over Mariange 
Melato as long as they were on that desert 
isle in Swept Away , returns to his drab 
home and his drab life and mutely picks 
up his d wife's bag. More often than 
not in. Wertmuller films, the male char 
acter is humbled and broken while the 
female rises triumphant. And if they are 
triumphant whores—so what? Wertmuller 
would say they were doing their own 
thing—and doing it well 

All of this is perhaps best summarized 
in Wertmuller's most recent film, Se 
Beauties, with Giannini as a strutting 
Neapolitan dandy during the last years 
of Mussolini’s power. He is, in addition, 
a fool—and a survivor. He kills and 
dismembers a man who, he insists, dis 


honored his sister by calling her a whore 
(although she really was a whore). When 
he is captured and brought to trial, his 
pride prevents him from copping a plea 
of insanity, which suggests to the judge 
that he really is insane, 
hospital instead of a prison. At the hos 
pital, however, he's caught raping a 
mentally disturbed woman and given the 
alternative of jail or the army, He 
chooses the army. Up to this point, Wert 
muller has artfully emphasized the m: 
macho chavacteristics—his honor, his 
pride, his sexual prowess his Latin 
charm. Then, almost remorselessly, she 
strips away the facade. At the earliest 
possible moment, Giannini and a pal go 
A.W.O.L., only to be picked up by 
German patrol and sent to a concentra 


so he's sent 


i's 


tion camp as deserters. In his desperation 
to stay alive, Giannini truckles to the 
officers, offers his pitiful sex to the beefy 
camp matron in exchange for a few 
scraps of food, is even willing to shoot 
down his friend on the given order, At 
the end of the film, he returns to 
d finds that 


aples 
ill seven of his sisters are 


now prostitutes: but after his own igno 
minious ordeal, he is in no position to 
protest 

If in synopsis Seven Beauties sounds 
like a grim, unremittingly neorcalist 


tract, it's because no words can fully 
convey the verve and vitality of a Wert 
muller movie. Dark as the plot may 
seem, much of it plays like a comedy, 
ranging from dry wit to subtle irony to 
flat-out pratfalls. Above all, Wertmuller 
has a tremendous insight into pe 
their strengths, their weaknesses, the 
things that make them human—and a 
rare ability to communicate those in 
sights to her audiences. As a result, her 
films swirl with a sense of life and joyous 
celebration, even though, like a platinum 
blonde, they may be dark at the roots. 
Just possibly, Lina Wertmuller might be 
the healthiest thing that has happened to 
movies in all of 1976 


Dr 


173 


The Nixon Legacy: Part V 


HOW TO WIN THE WAR ON DRUGS 


Narcotics suppression is a very sexy political issue. It 


usually has high media visibility. . . . The Feds went 
into street enforcement partly in response to the obvi 
ous political mileage to be gained. —JOUN EMRLIGHMAN 


The history of America's war on dr 
opportunism and media manipulation. Harry Anslinger 
the J. Edgar H 
during Prohibition and was immediately hooked, After 
Repeal, he wasn't going to have demon rum to kick around 
anymore, so he created the specter of devil weed, Reefer 
madness. The public read the headlines and believed. 
Anslinger unleashed his drug vigilantes and went about the 
business of saving people from themselves by putting them 
in jail 

Several generations of agents have followed in Ansling 
tracks, Drug enforcement is an inces 
money, more laws, more authority, more power. Heroin has 
replaced marijuana as public enemy number one, with 
cocaine a close second. The propaganda machine churns 
out new scare stories with great success, Nearly everyone 
believes that addicts are the scourge of the earth, Nearly 
everyone believes that we are winning the war, or would be 
d 
buse from a private and not very 
enormously prc 
glamorous criminal industry 


is one of political 


wer of narcotics—got his first taste of glory 


nt scramble for more 


wernment has 


if only we spent more money. The € 
ually transformed dru 
to an 


ble and rather 


popular vice 


The conflict has escalated sharply in recent years. In 
1960, the Government spent $3,000,000 on druglaw en 
forcement. In 1969, the year Richard Nixon took office, the 
war budget was $36,000,000. Nixon took control of the 
le and created the Drug Enforcement Administration 
3. By 1976, the DEA budget was $155,001,000, Over 

top one 


all expenditures on drugabuse problems 
billion dollars a year. Dirty business is big business, 

Nixon is gone, but the Gestapo-like agency created in his 
image lives on. Supporters claim that its stormtrooper 
tactics are necessitated by the seriousness of the problem. 
The end may justify the means, but not when the tactics 
don't work. The actual amount of drugs seized by the 
Feds is minuscule (less than ten percent of the total 
imported each year), The occasional, well-publicized busts 


let street dea 
the DEA spent close to $9,000,000 on nickeband-dime street 
buys. Only five percent of that money was recovered. Few 
of the street arrests of addicts and pushers led to convic 
tions. Even fewer led to the arrest of drug ringleaders. 
The campaign did nothing to cut off the supply of ill 
drugs and it did not decrease the number of addicts. 
Before the 1914 Ha 
and other drugs were le 


s raise their prices and their profits. In 1976, 


gal 


ison Act, heroin, morphine, cocaine 
al and available. The addict popu 
lation numbered. over 000. Today, the Government 
estimates that there are between 500,000 and 600,000 
addicts. (The population has doubled, so the proportion of 


addicts remains the same.) Now, though, they have to spend 
more to buy blackmarket drugs 
addicts steal close to six billion dollars a year to support 
their habits. Costly and unnecessary, Pure heroin is as cheap 
as aspirin. If the black market were abolished, a $100 bag of 
smack would sell for five cents. Junkies wouldn't have to 
mug more than one old lady a decade to support their habits. 

It is time to go cold turkey on an idiotic and destructive 
policy. The people who run the war on drugs are caught in 
the same vicious circle that trapped the Vietnam hawks. By 
willful disregard of fact, the gung-ho cowboys in charge of 


Experts estimate that 


enforcing narcotics laws manage to cling to myths that sup 
port their own bad decisions. 

Myth: Heroin destroys the mind and body of the user. In 
truth, “The over-all effects of... heroin . .. under conditions 
of low price and ready availability, are, on the whole, amaz 
ingly bland," according to Edward M. Brecher, author of the 
Consumers Union report Licit and Illicit Drugs, Most doc 
tors feel that drug-related deaths—the body counts of the 
narcotics business—are a direct result of the black-market 
scene, They point out that during Prohibition, 40 Americans 
out of every 1,000,000 died from drinking impure bathtub 
tely 12 out of every 1,000,000 Americans 


gin. (Approxim 
die from illegal heroin.) Genuine overdoses are rare: Most 
deaths « 


cur because of unsterile needles. impure cuts or 
toxic mixtures (heroin and alcohol or heroin and barbitu 
rates are lethal in combination). 

Myth: Heroin is the ultimate pleasure—something so good 
Actually, most addicts—like 
ste fc 


you shouldn't even try it once 


cigarette smokers or drinkers—have to acquire a 
the drug. Out of four people who try heroin, only one 
me a regular user. Most are attracted to the 
outlaw thrills, If acquiring a fix were as interest 
ing as filling out an IRS form or standing in line for a wel 
fare check, more people would resist the temptation. 

The agony has been exaggerated, as well 
We have been told that once someone is hooked, he stays 
hooked, and that withdrawal is fatal. One English doctor 
with extensive experience treating addicts, claims that 
"abrupt withdrawal is usually no worse than a very bad flu.” 
But the image of the man with a monkey on his back is per 
suasive, Most addicts are convinced that withdrawal is a fate 
worse than death. They take drugs not to feel good but to 


on to be 


scene 


the ecstasy 


avoid feeling bad. 

Myth: The addict is too debilitated by his habit to func 
tion normally. Again, most of the harm is a by-product of 
black-market dope. A study of 555 addicts 
maintenance program suggests that addicts are able to hold 
steady jobs and that there is little difference between work 
ing addicts and the general population. 

After World War One, the British elected to treat heroin 
use as a medical rather than a criminal problem. Addicts 
are part of society: They are not outcasts subject to persecu 
tion. They receive their doses from gove 
pusher man is practically nonexistent 
didiction rate of four per 100,000, In contrast 
64 addicts per 100,000 in the U.S. For years, the 
sponsible for drug prohibition have told uy that the 
V't work here. It’s obvious that the Amer 
ican system doesn't work here. We should settle for peace 
with honor: The British system might 
but it would end smuggling, street crime, burglaries, mur- 
ders and police corruption related to addiction 

We do not condone the use of heroin, or of any other drug, 
We merely ask that the problem be put in 
According to Brecher, at the turn of the century, drug 
immoral—a vice akin to dancing. smok 
theatergoing, gambling or sexual promiscuity.” We've 


1 a Government 


nent clinics—the 
The result: Britain 


reports a 


there are 
people 


British system w 


iot end drug abuse 


perspective 


buse 


was viewed as 


ned to coexist with most of these vices. We've learned 
to know the real da 
ulation rather than prohibition, we would be 
able to construct a true picture of the pleasures and the 
consequences of use. And, based on the truth, we could 
rebuild a war-torn country 


rs of cach. If we subjected 


drugs to r 


This is the fifth in a series of editorials. 


PLAYBOY FORUM 


(continued from page 61) 
kinds of scientific evidence to demonstrate 
the universality of this correlation. He 
quotes experiments on laboratory animals 
in which pleasure inhibited violence and 
violence inhibited pleasure. He examines 
anthropological evidence from 400 dif 
ferent societies, which clearly shows that 
pleasure-oriented societies are “character- 
ized by low theft, low infant physical pain, 
low religious activity and negligible or 
ibsent. killing, mutilating or torturing of 
the enemy.” whereas societies with heavy 
restriction on pleasure have “a high rate 
of crime and violence." He cites still 
other studies that show that “parents who 
sbused their children were invariably 


deprived of physical affection themselves 
childhood and that their adult 
sex life was extremely poor. ... Women 
bused their children had never ex 
perienced orgasm.” There were some vio 
lent societies in which children were given 
al 


dui 


wh 


g: but in 
almost all cases, these turned out 10 be 
societies that, through a premarital chas 
tity taboo, 


of affection and touchi: 


deprived adolescents. and 
young adults of normal sexual outlet 

Prescott explicitly charges that Judaco: 
Christian sex taboos encourage violence 


in our society and even notes how atti. 


tudes toward women expressed in the Old 
Testament have contributed to our pres 
emt problem. He concludes with a grim 
reminder; "The world .. . has limited 
time 10 correct the conditions that propel 
us to violent confrontations.” We have 
everything to lose if Prescot's message 


isn't heeded and everything to gain if it is 
Michael Adams 
Colorado Springs. Colorado 


JIMMY AND HIS FRIENDS 
Jimmy Garter may fall short of total 
wisdom, bur he has a sense 


political 
decency. Of all the things politicians 
have been saying this year, the most 
pointedly right is his answer to the ques 
tion “Would you consider pardoning the 
Watergate defendants?” 

Carter said, "I don't think it would be 
appropriate for me to say anything on 


the subject of Watergate pardons.” ‘Then 
he added, “During my first week in office 
I would issue a pardon to all Vietnam 


defectors.” 
Amen. The Watergaters are crooks 
who got caught ivi 


X to sabotage the 
nation isell. The hell with them. The 
boys who got into trouble with the mili 
tary, on the other han 
our best 


, are in many cases 
They never committed, threat 


ened or contemplated wrong against any 


body. Look at it from any sane point « 
view: they are victims of a colossal crime 
not its perpetrators 

Charles Stahlberg 


Sandstone, Minnesota 


What a tacky bunch of candidates the 


MR. JACK DANIEL put his distillery by chis 
Lynchburg cave spring, even though it meant 
shipping whiskey from Tullahoma. 


You see, there wasn't any 
railroad in Lynchburg. But 
a there was this iron-free 
spring that was just right 
| for making whiskey. 
Mainly, the spring and Mr. Jack's charcoal 
mellowing process have 
accounted for Jack Daniel's 
uncommon smoothness for 
the past 111 years. A sip, 
we believe, and you'll be 
glad we still don’t mind 
hauling our whiskey 
over to Tullahoma. 


CHARCOAL 
MELLOWED 


D 


DROP 


Ü 


BY DROP 


Tennessee Whiskey - 90 Proof - Distilled and Bottled by Jack Daniel Distillery 
Lem Motlow, Prop., Inc., Lynchburg (Pop. 361), Tennessee 37352 


political process has thrown up this 


Placed in the National Register of Historic Places by the United States Government. 


175 


176 


“Playboy Forum” Casebook 


THE OZARK CONNECTION 


For selling about a third of an 
ounce of marijuana to a state un- 
dercover agent, Jerry Mitchell, 19, 
was sentenced to 12 years in the 
Missouri state penitentiary- Had 
his case not come to the attention 
of a legal reform group, he would 
be in prison already, i 
in college, while his 
pealed. He may end up in prison 
yet: contrary to the belief of 
many young people, pot offenses 
are not yet on a par with under- 
age beer drinking, especially in 
the rural parts of the country. 

West Plains, Missouri, is a 
pleasant, friendly farming com- 
munity of about 10,000 near the Ozark tourist area in 
the south central part of the state. It’s the seat of Howell 
County and the birthplace of country singer Porter Wagoner, 
for whom the main street is named. Ci ed with most 
places, it doesn't have much of a drug problem, but the 
townspeople are worried that this is changing. More and 
more city people are settling in the area, and over the past 
two or three years, the local youngsters have discovered long 
na, which grows wild from the 


hair, rock music and marijy 
days when it was cultivated for hemp fiber. Rarely a month 
goes by without an arrest for either possessing or growing 


pot. It was Mitchell's extraordinary bad luck to be the first 
Howell County youth ever to be caught selling it. 

Mitchell has lived in West Plains since he was four. In 
1975, he graduated from the local high school with good 
grades and a good record, and last fall, he entered Southwest 
Missouri State University in Springfield to study political 
science and philosophy. "These interests and his longish 
hair make him about the closest thing West P 
“hippie.” He was busted in the usual fashion: A neighbor 
hood friend, who had become an informant, introduced 
Mitchell to one of the state's roving undercover 
Mitchell first was charged with supplying the a 
pound of locally picked marijuana, but th 
dropped when he agreed to plead guilty to sel 
of an ounce for five dollars. 

At the time, a guilty plea seemed like the sensible il 
Both of Mitchell's parents are blind and living on a pe 
and Social Security; their home and property were posted to 
meet his $15,000 bond; he had borrowed $1500 from his 
grandmother to pay his initial legal fees but he could not 
raise the additional $500 his attorney demanded in advance 
to represent him at sentencing. He hoped that his lack of a 
criminal record, the nonprofit nature of the sale and his 
otherwise good reputation would earn him less than the 
maximum sentence, and it did. He got 12 year; under 
Missouri law, he could have gotten lile. 

If 12 years seems like something less than leniency, it's 
because Circuit Judge Winston Buford—and he probably 
represents the community's general attitude—considers drug 
selling as serious as murder. The local paper quoted him as 
saying, “Most crimes are one on one, one person robbing, 
killing or assaulting another A pusher has the means 
10 poison the whole community, particularly the young 
people of the community 
undercover agents that people such as yourself are brought 
10 our attention,” When Mitchell wept. promised he would 
never get into trouble again and asked the court to consider 


charge was 
ng one th 


It is only by the hard work of 


MITCHELL and STEPANIAN 


tion for the sake of his 
parents, who have no other chil 
dren, the judge said he should 
have thought of his parents be 
getting into drugs. 

Judge Buford is no ignorant 
Ozark hillbilly: he is intelligent, 
articulate, thoughtful and quite 
ware that scientists have found 
no evident dangers in marijuana 
smoking. But he does consider its 
use symptomatic of a dangerous 
national trend toward drug abuse, 
nd he apparently believes that 
harsh criminal penalties deter 
ple from using drugs— 
s proposition in light of thy 
rest of the co s experience. Yet this attitude seems to 
prevail in Howell County and it's quite possible that a jury 
recommended an even longer sentence. 


prol 


nization 
ector Keith 


lor the Reform cr M à Laws, 


iju: 


Stroup volunteered his services as an attorney and abo 


retained Michael Stepanian, a prominent San Francisco 
lawyer with experience in drug cases. Both flew to Missouri 
to represent Mitchell at a hearing for reduction of sentence 
and to plan an appeal, in which they will be assisted by the 
Playboy Foundation. The hearing, which rtvnov attended, 
followed lengthy negotiations in the judge's chambers and 
was more like Mitchell's public confession of guilt and 
contrition than like a legal proceeding. Judge Buford, decid 
ing he could now scc a "ray of hope" for the defendant, 
reduced his sentence accordingly—to seven ye 

Until last year, the Missouri drug law provided five years 
to death for anyone convicted of even sharing a joint of 
marijuana with a minor. In its penalties, it still makes n 
distinction between selling marijuana or heroin, providing 
five years to life in prison for the sale of any amount 
of either substance to anyone. The statute's shotgun quality 
permits NORML to challenge it on at least two constitu 
tional grounds. By simple common sense, any law that 
provides a minimum of five years and permits a life sentene 
for a joint of marijuana should be in violation of the Eighth 
Amendment's ban on cruel and unusual. punishment. t 
fortunately, common sense plays no great role in matters of 
Jaw, and courts have traditionally held that no penalty short 
of mutilation or burning at the stake is cruel if legislators 
vote it into law. The Mih Amendment provides a second. 
and better ground for argument, Its equal-protection cl 
has been interpreted to require some rational 
between the seriousness of a crime and the sev 
punishment, and the supreme courts of both Illinois and 
Michigan have held that it’s legally improper to treat mari 
juana offenses the same as those involving heroin, barbi 
turates or other drugs known to be addictive or dangerous. 

Herein lies the legal significance of the Mitchell case. By 
making no proper distinction among different drugs, many 
state laws permit the courts to teat a stashsharing pot 
smoker as though he were the French Connection. 

The difficulty NORML's appeal faces is that courts, 
especially state courts, are reluctant to “usurp the authority 
of the legislature" in matters of statutory law. But where 
legislature refuses to reform or repeal a law inspired by 
unwarranted fear and based on misinformation, the courts 
are the only recourse. 


inect 


ity of its 


RAPHY BY 


election year! I find particularly 
ening the positions taken by Ford and 


Carter on abortion. Mad Ronald, of 
course, has always opposed abortion, just 
ay he opposes anything else that. strikes 


him as subversively 20th Century. and 1 
presume his views will remain influential. 
OK. so worn-out Ford, when he fears be- 
ing zapped | d is eager to close 
the conser p. tells a throng of Ro- 
man Catholics that he is concerned "about 
the increased irreverence for life." This is 
code. but the Catholics get the message 
Jerry is agin abortion, and they give hin 
standing ovation, The Republicans get 
that message, and a week later the 
G.O.P. adds an antiabortion plank to its 
platform. Ford gets the nomination. 

Just before the Republican Convention, 
here is the born-again Baptist giving the 
Catholic press a dose of peanut oil, vir- 
tually repudiating the abortion plank of 
the Democratic platform: "I think abor- 
tion is wrong and that government ought 
not ever do anything to encourage abor 
s pus Catholic cardinals across 
nd have been chopping away at the 
Democratic plank opposing a constitu. 
tional amendment to prohibit abot 
rer has a visitation from the Holy 
and discovers that he thinks as the 
s do. 

If only the proposal of Representative 
Louis "Woody" Jenkins for a NONE or 
THE ABOVE line on the voting machines 
(The Playboy Forum, August) were a real- 
ity this November. As a woman who has 
had an abortion, I feel too strongly about 
this issue to vote for either of these men. 
What you hear coming from inside the 
voting booth is the sound of one person, 
B 


on, 


(Name withheld by request) 
New York, New York 
For more of Jimmy Carter's views on 
practically everything, see “The Playboy 
Interview,” page 63 


COLD-BLOODED KILLING 

The Supreme Court ruling allowing 
the death penalty has saddened me no 
end. We seem to think that by executing 
the criminals on America’s death rows, 
we are ridding ourselves of a problem. 1 
am not suggesting that these people 
should be freed, but we must be able to 
come up with a better remedy than lock- 

g them up for an indefinite time or 
killing them in a colder, more methodi 
cal manner than m urderers could 
ever devise, 


Timothy A. Jones 
Concord, California 


The Playboy Forum" offer the 
opportunity for an extended dialog. be- 
tween readers and editors of this publi- 
cation on contemporary issues. Address all 
correspondence to The Playboy Forum, 
Playboy Building, 919 North Michi- 
gan Avenue, Chicago, Ilinois 60611. 


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178 


MONEY IN THE STOCK MARKET 


anywhere from $5000 to $50,000, with the 
reasonable hope of being able over 
the years to put additional money into 
the market and with what is frequently 
dismissed as the unreasonable goal of 
capital gains—that this article is 
written. 


E 
Most standard investment advice has 
relevance to the person described 
. The typical writer of a syndicated 
investmentadvice column is a Depression 
scarred old man who feels it his sworn 
duty to warn the neophyte investor of the 
risks and potential pitfalls of the stock 


market. The usual suggestion offered 
is to “stick to quality.” By this, the 
writer means either the solid, old-line 


industrial companies known as blue chips 
or what he calls growth stocks. Neither is 
able for someone who wants to see 
a relatively small amount of money be- 
come a much larger sum. 

A young man I know once asked me 
my opinion of the stocks he owned. 1 
knew he was unmarried and earning a 
very good salary. I was thus surprised to 
sec that his portfolio consisted of General 
Motors, DuPont and A.T I asked 
him why he had chosen those stocks. He 
answered he had been ad xd to stick to 
quality and that all three paid good divi 


sui 


(continued from page 136) 


dends, I pointed out that—despite their 
excellent quality—DuPont and General 
Motors both were now selling for two 
thirds their 1965 prices and that A.T.&T 
was still today, after a sharp recent ad 
vance, below its 1965 level. As for the 
dividends, they constituted incremental 
income for him and he was giving 40 per- 
cent of them back to the Government 
in taxes. I went on to say that 20 years 
ago, the U.S. economy was undergoing 
a major and rapid expansion and that 
ne then could simply "buy Ameri 
For the past three years, real economic 
growth, after the adjustment for infla- 


tion, has been nonexistent and is likely to 
be modest at best for the foreseeable 
future. Common sense should tell you that 
it is difficult, edging on impossible, for 
the very largest companies in America to 
have a substantially different. long-term 
rate of growth from that of the over-all 
Thus, the investor who is in 


economy. 
search of outsized profits from his invest- 
ments must seek out comy t will 
show rates of growth in sales nings 
far above those of the general economy 

Since we earlier that what 
termed growth stocks are also generally in 
appropriate c this last statement 
may seem somewhat contradictory. If the 
definition of a growth stock is one whose 


nies th 
nd ea 


said are 


ces, 


“Gentlemen. We here at Creative 
Efficiency Associates believe in the optimum use of 
structured time and personnel... ” 


earnings, and therefore, by implication, 
its price, increase rapidly, then, obvious- 
ly, growth stocks are wh 


t everyone wants 


to buy. There are numerous companies 
whose past records of steady, above 
ave growth and strong position in 


their industries have caused them to be 
wih stocks. If it were a simple 
tter of buying the stocks of such com 
panics and waiting for the profits to roll 
in, then you wouldn't have to bother 
reading this article nor would | bother 
writing it. Clearly, it's not that easy 
What everyone who buys stocks, wheth. 
er with $2000 of his own money or 
$200,000,000 of someone else's money 
must always remember is that in the stock 
market, you are buying the future. The 
past is known and is there for everyone to 
see. What is crucial, and difficult, is to 
determine what the future of a given 
company will be and, importantly, how 
that future will differ from the expecta 
tions already built into the price of the 
stock. 

The danger of extrapolating the past 
into the future can from the 
fact that among stocks with fabulous 20. 
year records are Avon Products, Delta 
Airlines, Tampax and Xerox—all stocks 
that are accorded the 
stocks by those who drive with both eyes 
squarely on the rearview mirror, As it hap: 
pens, those four stocks have apprec 
prices anywhere from 25 to 45 times their 
1953 level. But they achieved virtually all 
of their quantum gains before 1966; over 
the past ten years, three have risen only 
slightly and one—Xerox—is actually sub. 
stantially down. literally hun 
dreds of stocks that appreciated manyfold 
during the Fifties and the early Sixties, 
only to have declined, sc ble 
margins, over the past ten y 

So far, I have been assuming that some 
one who 
buying them, is in search of capital gains 
There are other reasons why 
one buys stocks, or any other form of in 
vestment. Stocks, bonds, real estate, gold. 
art, antiques, coins—all 


be seen 


wth 


status of g 


ated to 


There are 


me by si 


buys stocks, or is considering 


of course, 


silve 
offer 
essential 


stamps, 


n various combinations 


attractions: growth, income, se 
curity and liquidity. The first, growth, is 
present without risk. Wall 
professionals try to assess the "risk /reward 


before 


never Street 


ratio” buyi 


simplest form, 


g any stock. In its 
highly speculative stock 
one that may appear to have the potential 
of advancing tenfold, also offers the pos 
sibility, i 


the event of bankruptcy, of a 
total loss. But if, after careful examina- 
tion, you can convince that a 
rise to ten times the current price over 
a fiveorten-year period is possible. then 
that risk is well worth taking, as a ten 
toone ratio is considered unusually favor 
able. On the other hand, a stock such as 
A.T&T., which clearly has a far lower 
potential risk, also—it can safely be said— 
has no chance of selling at ten times its 


yourself 


current price ten years hence, even under 
the most optimistic possible assumptions, 
It is, thus, quite possible that A.T&T., 
with less total risk than a far more spec- 
ulative stock, has actually a 
able risk /reward ratio. 

As for income, almost all stocks with 
potentially high rate of growth will appear 
to be inferior income vehicles Compa 
nies grow by reinvesting their earnings. 
To the extent that they pay them out in 
dividends, those earnings are not 
able for reinvestment in the future 
of the company. Thus, most stocks that I 
would select for capital-gains purposes 
pay little or no dividends. Yet dividends 
for ultimately it 
is the ability of a company to generate a 


less favor- 


should not be ignored, 


high level of earnings out of which future 
dividends can be paid that will make its 
price rise. 

Crown Cork & Seal, an excellent com- 
pany with a high past rate of growth, has 
never paid a dividend on its common 
stock. Yet its stock has risen over 40fold 
since 1953. Its level of earnings convinces 
the market that it has the present ability 
to pay dividends if it As long 
as it finds opportunity for rapid growth 
in its business, then it is best advised to 
ck 
into the company rather than pay them 
out to its shareholders, An argument could 
be made that when Crown Cork does begin 
to pay dividends, it will have indicated to 


chooses, 


continue plowing those earnings È 


the world that it no longer finds its oppor 
tunities for future growth equal to what it 
has found in the past. 

An investor who was smart enough—or 
lucky enough—to buy IBM in 1953, when 
it was a far smaller and less scasoned com- 
pany than today. accepted a dividend 
yield that was little more than a one per 
cent a thanks to the 
company's phenomenal growth in earnings 
nd dividends, that investor is receivi 


nual return. Yet now 


129 percent annual return on his original 
investment. If that same investor had 
bought Am in Can in 19553, because it 


then had a dividend yield of five percem— 
much better than IBM—he would today 
be receiving a yield of only seven percent 
on his original cost and own a stock selling 
now almost unchanged from its price of 
over 20 years ag 

As for choosing investments for securi 
ty. that’s fine for those with large amounts 
of capital to protect, but it is a luxury 


that must be foregone by someone who 
wants to build a modest sum into real 
capital 

The fourth factor an investment. can 
offer is liquidity. Stated simply, this 
means, "How quickly and easily can I 
sell?" Here is one major advantage the 


individual has over the large institutional 
Small amounts of virtually all 
stocks can be bought or sold almost in- 
stantly, with little or no sacrifice in price 
If your mind or circumstances 


investor 


your 


change at five rt, you can be out by ten 
A-M. the following da 
E 


Except for the unusual periods, such as 
the first six 1975, when the 
market was reacting from the deep disis 
ter of 1973-1974, it is not likely that 
stocks in general will experience the kind 
of broad price rise that marked the great 
post-World War Two bull market. The 
achievement of superior performance will 
likely require far greater selectivity than 
1949 to 19 when 
the average stock traded on the New York 
Stock Exchange increased sevenfold. 
Which brings us to the subject of mutual 
funds. The primary purpose of buying a 
mutual fund is to secure far greater di 
versity than otherwise would be practica 
ble with a limited amount of money. An 
investment in a mutual fund is spread 
over 50, 100 or even 200 different stocks. 
Standard investment advice nearly always 
counsels diversification as a conservative 
approach. It is the opposite of what T am 
suggesting. (A very intell d suc 
ceslul — investor I know once summed up 
his philosophy for me: "Put all your eggs 
in one basket and watch the basket very 
closely." If you take all the money you 
have set aside for investing and buy threc 
stocks, it requires only one spectacular 
success for results far better than that of 
the overall market, Conversely, if your 
money, via a mutual fund, is spread over 


months of 


was necessary from 


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179 


PLAYBOY 


180 


a very large number of companies, it is 
difficult for the fund’s performance over 
the long run to exceed. substantially the 
ippreciation rate for the average of all 
stocks. 
There 


that try to identify and. inve 


ire, of course. a number of funds 


alely in 


Some 


young, excitir 


carly stage 
of them h 


or at least they did until the px 


years, when virtually all stocks were g 


down. Indeed, the simplicity of picking 
one fund as your sole investment vehicle 
with all future decisions then in the hands 
of its management, has appeal. But by 
taking this tack, you miss the chance to 
gain the knowledge that is the valuable 


ourself to discover 


product of teach 
ind analyze companies. And you miss the 
fun. 

Another alternative to common stocks 
had 


great appeal for smaller investors, is any 


and one that in recent years has 


of a variety of fixed-income securities. 


These include corporate bonds, 


exempt municipal bonds, Treasury | 


ind notes, and savings accounts a 
tificates. "Their current popularity has a 
Yields had by 1974 


risen to record levels and have remained 


relatively high. At the same time, the stock 
market has proved an inhospitable place 
for most investors during the past four or 
five years, The high interest rates available 
today are a direct reflection of the high 


me im 


rate of inflation that, despite 


provement, remains the primary problem 


fac jur economy. One can t buy 


completely safe "Triple-A" corporate 
bonds with a current yield of nearly 
nine percent. In 1974, the rise in the 


Consumer Price Index was ove 
Thus, 


percent meant that its owner that year 


r 12 per 


yieldin| 


cent an investment nine 


lost three percent in the purchasing power 
of his money, even before paying taxes on 


the interest. The rate of inflation, which 


came down to about seven percent for the 


year 1975 ld have to decline further 


lower level for a number 


of years to make a purchase long 


term, fixed-income security loc 


Let's assume that | have convinced 


tor with a relatively 


you that any inv 


modest amount of money—who is seeking 


someday to have a far less modest amount 


of money—must buy common stocks, par 


ticularly those of young, growing compa 


nies of the t that has by source 
of outsized re Is in the past. Now you 
must choose a broker, Havin: It over 


skers 


multi 


the years with only the very ! 
on Wall Street, the kind wh 
nts, ] 


million-dollar institutional acc 


have nonetheless developed a deep cyni 


cism about the breed, Still more vast is my 


cynicism a the typical customers’ man 


who handles small individual accounts ai 


1 branch office of any of the major broker 


ge firms. 


r atti 
by 


You will develop a more pi 


tude toward a broker if you 
thinking of him as a salesman, which he 


in or a life-insurance s 


irning p: 


n't be taken in by 


ictually. do, 


this or by the plush es most maintain 


The normal training course for a stock 
broker runs from 90 days to six month 
Such a course is obviously no substitute 
for a Ph.D. in i 


economics, a degree in 
iccountancy 


ind advanced training in 


psychology—all of which would be neces 
with the 


brokers 


illow anyone to 


1 have 


iry to speak 


certaint heard many 


express, 
There are, of course, many good stock 
brokers. They have become so by virtue 


of years of experience witl 
of the stock market. Unfortunately, su 
wre not likely to be available to you. It 


stands to reason that those who really 


know what they are doing will attract 


and hold as customers institutions or in 


dividuals with very large accounts, 


ticularly those oriented toward trading. A 
broker makes his money from customers 
buy and sell stocks, who trade. You 


ill make money in the market if you 


buy stocks and hold them as is they 


continue to do well. If you do what is 


best for you, you will soon come to be 


regarded by your broker as a nuisance 
Don't let it bother you 
ke people when 


The worst mist make 


walking into a brokerage office is to allow 


to be talked into some 
As soon 


broker 


assigned that you are in 


totally unsuited to their needs. 


is you tell the smiling young 


you've been 


search of rapid capital gains, his eyes 


will light up. Even a fairly small amount 
you to be 


of money. if he can. persuade 


come an active r and seller with it 
can produce a handsome of 
commi: s for him. Resist his | ish 
ments To be a ssful trader, you 
must be right al ks you select 


cessful 


you need only be right 


nd about the m: 
long 


n your stock selection, and not even every 


term investor 


time. One spectacular winner can morc 


than offset a few performer 


Armed with the ward 
stock salesmen trap of 
letting your broker pick your stocks for 
you. It always amazes me that the sam 


ho will reac 
eck t 


persoi 


) in an air conditi 


take the word of some broker he 


met as to the correct disposition of his 


life's savings. Bre n addition to car 


out the anical func 


» buy or sell stocks, 


ig orders t 


There 
about thi 


research: It is a selling tool and it is ger 


something they call research 


wo things to remember 


WHY PUNCH IS MORE IMPORTANT 
THAN POWERIN A CB. 


With a Cobra your voice 
punches through ignition and 
background noises. Punches 
through interference. Punches 
through other transmissions 

So your voice gets to where it's 
going the same way it started out 


erally wrong. 
Mos 


indivic 


rokerage firms that dea 


il inve spew forth a 


When it comes to power output all 
CBs have pretty much the same 


» I am being unfair 


npresed by some 


have un 


ancient’ brokerage studies I 


earthed: the 1929 


switeh of General Motors ar 


Moon Motors; the 1937 study that « 


seled against investment in Eastman Ko- 
dak because 


item and will, of 


phote is a luxury 


mass market 
Xen del A M Loud and clear 


And because Cobras have 
distortion-free reception, you hear 
what's coming back the same way 
you sent it out. Loud and clear 

And if loud and clear is what 
youre starting to associate with a 
Cobra, then our message has 
punched through 


Cobra 


Punches through loud and clear. 


about the company's chances of ever im 


plementing its ambitious plans; or, to 


bring it more up to date, the 1968 stud 


ies—and they were numerous—recom 


No more than four watts. That's the 
law. The law, however, says nothing 
about punch 

Punch is what you do with that 
four watts to make sure your voice 
covers the distance and still comes 
through loud and clear. Punch is 
what sets Cobras.apart from the 
other CBs 


mene Penn Central at 70 or 80 as 


reports, by no means chosen 
are examples of analytical 
vat completely missed the boat 


The analysts who write these reports 


with rare exceptions, not analy 


reporters. They visit the management of 
companies and almost invariably produce 


research" that presents the company's 


Aside from the obviow 


foward the 


timistic, it analyst /re 


to deal with the near-term outl 


that is all even the head of a company 
with any certainty. ‘The stocks 
| 


can discus 
most firms choose to recommend are t ir 


in which there is already a high de 


of interes, "These companies, g 


the largest and best known, are 


ones least likely to present a significant 


opportunity to purchase an unrecognized 


future superstar 
. 
Ho then, does one » about findi 
those “unrecognized future superst 
First, yo 1 formulate 


are likely r the 


to experience « 


five or ten years. Will inflation 


from its current level, remain 
historically high level or become 
more virulent? Will consumer spendi 
grow at the rapid rate of the Sixtic 
Will the Government cor 


i I 
its rol determin 


lation? Will the € 


the best 


opport 


a i 
| rer rrr res 


foreign markets, as in the 


superior rates of expar € 
reach just a few extre eral cor 
dusions about such que then 


PLAYBOY 


182 


choice by a substantial degree 

Suppose you had asked yourself those 
questions ten years ago. Had you antici 
pated the extreme inflationary bias of the 
past decade, you would have known 
enough to avoid companies that are heavi 
ly dependent on purchased raw materials 
or whose labor costs are a large percentage 


of their 


1 expenses. Since both of 
these facts are particularly true of auto 
mobile companies, you would have 
shunned altogether the four U.S. car 
manufacturers, whose stocks today on 
iverage are well below their prices of ten 
years ago, without any adjustment for in 
flation, (Remember, the rava 
tion must be calculated when comparing a 
ta 
stock at 20 in 1966, it would have to be 


es of infla 


past price with today's: If you boug 


selling at 37 today just ro. maintain the 
same purchasing power that $20 had in 
1966.) This same conclusion about infla 
tion that ruled out automobile stocks 
might have led you to seck an investment 
vehicle from among the drug stocks, as a 
constant flow of new products, an unusual 


degree of pricing freedom and the high 


est profit margins of any industry make 
them relatively impervious to inflation 


Or you might have chosen a forest 


products company, as their ownership of 


their basic raw material, timber, gives 
them a builtin hi 


Had you done so, y 


ainst inflation 


u would have been 


rewarded. The stocks of the leading com 
panies in the drug industry have on aver 
ige doubled in price, while those of the 
mjor forest-products companies have in 


creased threefold over the past ten years 


with many individual companies doing 
better 

A list of the best-performing companies 
over the past decade would indicate how 
in understanding of certain broad trends 
within the economy will lead you to the 
more promising sectors for investment 
Nearly every stock that has appreciated 


fivefold or more since 1966 could be 


ries: 


placed in one of four basic cat 
companies that sell directly to consumers. 
companies in the medical and health fic ld. 
technology companies and those directly 
or indirectly involved in the production 


of energy. My own view is that only the 
last of these sectors presents. truly at 
tractive opportunities for the next ten 


years. The average consumer is now strug 


gling to keep abreast of inflation, and the 
huge expansion in discretionary income 
for such things as second homes, expen 
sive leisure-time activities, ete., will not be 
present. The increasing likelihood of 
some form of Government health insur 
ance suggests that the medical /drug field 

and its very high profit m 


gins—will 
come under much tougher. Government 
scrutiny, And the stock-market magic that 
was attached. during the Sixties and early 
Seventies to anything connected with new 
technology has, 1 believe, worn off. How- 
ever, the announced commitment. of the 


Government to expand our domestic en 
industry, be it oil, gas, coal or nu 
fuel, makes this ar 
promise 


cle 1 one of immense 


Assuming that you share my conviction 
that ene 


remains a promising arca of 
investment, don’t rush out and buy simply 
anything to do with its production, The 
six “international oils.” so called because 


of their vast global oil activities, proved a 


relatively poor 


estment over the past 
ten years, Their average price has risen 
only slightly, which means that the pur 
chaser of these stocks has lost over one 
third of his investment’s value after de 
ducting the effects of inflation, althov 
the dividends he has received have ro a 
great extent offset his loss of purchasing 
power. On the other hand, the perspica 


cious individual who foresaw a decade ago 


the phenomenal growth in demand for 


oil-well drilling services and related 


equipment on average would have in 


creased his capital eight times had he in 


vested in the six companies that are 
today the leaders in this ares. 

Does this mean that those companies 
whose stock prices rose eightfold since 


1966 are still the most promis sector 


imong energy investments? Perhaps: but 
both common sense and mathematics 
make it unlikely that the next ten years 
will prove equally enriching for the 
owners of these stocks. ‘These stocks have 
been "discovered." You, in your search 
for investment performance out of the 


ordinary, must discover your own stocks. 


It's far c said than done, though by 


no means impossible, You have two basi 
choices: Decide what field you think has 
unusual promise and then learn every 


g possible about it: or stick to some 


thing you already know well—most likely 


in area related to your work, hobby or 
specialized field of interest 


The first 


wd is tougher but reason 
ably self-explanatory. The source of the 


original idea can be as accidental as a 


newspaper or magazine article or an off 


hand remark by a friend who is knowl 
edgeable about a particular field: or it 
can be the outgrowth of a dedicated 


search for that sector of the economy 


with the most dazzling potential. A very 


savvy friend of mine mana 
$100,000,000 and, for that reason, has ac 


es over 


cess to the best “research” available on 
Wall Street. He consi 
paper, of which he reads eight from all 


s the daily news. 


over the world, his best source of in 
vestment ideas, One day in 1965, he read 
n article in a Chicago paper that told 
of increasing Government concern about 
industry-caused air pollution. (Yes, that 
was a new idea 1l years ago.) He imme 
diately sought the names of leading com 
panies that manufactured air-pollution 
equipment. The first was easy, as he came 
across a company called American Air 


Filter. He then simply telephoned that 
company and asked who were its most 
prominent competitors, which yielded two 
names: Buffalo Forge and Joy Manufac 
turing. A very quick review of the public 
ree revealed 


financi 2 on all 


tely financed 


they were sound, adequ 


companies, so he took sizable positions 
l 


in € By 1972, when air-pollution con 


trol had become a magic phrase on. Wall 
for 


Street, he had sold all th 


ce positi 
more than triple his original investment 


Stock-market success is not, however 


solely the result of picking the right ir 
dustry. The right company can be in the 


wrong industry. Here is where your own 


personal knowledge comes in. Someone 


I know whose hobby is making things in 
his well-equipped basement shop becar 
convinced that Black & Decker made a 


lay. in addition 


superior product 
the satisfaction he derives from his pas 
time, he has made an 800 percent profit on 


his purchase of Black & Decker stock a 


dozen years ago. During this same per 


other companies in this industry have been 
lackluster performers. The single best 
performing major stock of the past 20 or 
so years has been Masco Corp. One 
dollar invested in 1953 in this manu 
facturer of plumbing fixtures, particularly 
single-handle water faucets, is worth $3 
today. How many professional plumbers. 
contractors and amateur handy men 


might have capitalized on their knowl 


of this company's specialty to have 
made the investment of a lifetime By 


comparison, the largest company in the 


plumbingsupply business, American 


Standard, is today sellin 


t its price of 20 
years ago.) A further example of the poten 
tial usefulness of hobbies: Had those col 
id 
ht 


lectors of commemorative plates 


medals issued by Franklin Mint bou 


instead its stock when it first went public 
in 1968, they would today have a 900 per 
cent profit on their investment. The space 
bsence of Wash 


left on their wall by the 


ington kneeling to pray at Valley F 
bas-relief silver could now be filled by 
those lovely, valuable stock certificates 


Perhaps the most classic form the quest 


for gargantu 


is what Wall Street. calls “the search for 


1 stock-market profits take 


the new Xerox.” A word of caution. For 


every Xerox or Polaroid that comes alon 


with a new product that revolution 


es 
its industry or creates a new market, there 
are literally hundreds of would-be cor 
porate revolutionizers whose ships sink 
with all investment hands aboard. Beware 
of patents. Polaroid assigns its patents a 
balancesheet valuation of one dollar 


admittedly an understatement. But it is 


its marketing, financial and rx iMactur 
ing know-how that has made it a great 
enterprise, not the Governmentegranted 


protection implied by a patent 
Yet the search continues, abetted not by 


buck brow 


“There's really no hurry. It'll take at least fifteen minutes to 
round up all the members of his gun club." 


183 


PLAYBOY 


the probability of success but by the 
lotterylike payoffs to the occasional winner 
At a recent lunch with the managing 
two respected Wall Street 


isked cach to nam 


partners. of 


firms, I his favorite 


stock to put away and hold for ten years 


One supplied the name of a company 


whose future is based on a patented 


process that would “revolutionize surgi 


pital in Amer 


cal procedure in every he 
ic" The 
small company with still more 


other man's choice was a 


to develop and license a patented 


scientific breakthrough, the offsr 
scientist-founder, that would allow the syn 
thesis of far more complex molecules than 
heretofore possible, with wide 


ipplica 
tion throughout the chemical industry 
Sorry Will both of them, or 


The history of 


no mame 
even cither one, make it 


offers little c rt, and 


similar ventures 
I myself would not buy either stock with 
out the most exhaustive inquiry into the 
pitfalls. that 


make that in 


technological and busi 


abound, F I just m 
I'd hate 


15 years 
nd vodka 


quiry to find. myself 


ering my 


martini in the club car on 5:27 to 


Westport and boring my fellow commu: 


ters with the story of how I passed up the 


greatest investment idea since Xer 


A rev 


new product. It 


ionary 


can be a new marketing 


technique or just a better way of doing 


omething that a lot of other companies 


McDonald's didn't invent 


do less well 


the hamburger, it wasn't the first to fran. 


chise fast.f restaurants nor the first to 


create a low-priced, limited-menu opera 


tion, However, one needed ¢ to take a 


couple of kids to McDonald's to know that 


those guys were doing it a lot better than 


till would have taken some 


stock in 


anyone else. It 
foresight to buy the 1965, its 
first year as a public company. (Had you 
done so, your investment would have ap 
25fold since 


than then.) 


stock 


preciated more 
Even a latecomer who bought the 


in 1970—by which time they were well on 


to their six-billionth Big Mac, while a host 


of compet flering hamburgers, roast 


beef sandwiches, pizza and fish and chips 


were already falling by the wayside 


would have money 


But this kind 


ince quintupled hi 
of company puts a terrible 
premium on the investor's being right 
New wrinkles in marketing are notorious 
ly easy to imitate. The stockholders of 


Levitz Furniture found this out during 
1972-1974, when warehouse furniture re 
up on every vacant lot, and 


highflier fell 


tailers sprang 
the stock of this erstwhile 
from 60 to one and a half 
All of the 
you to the 


above advice will only get 


tarting gate. Dozens of ex 


tremely good books have been written on 
with the 


how to run the race possible 


approaches far from exhausted. If your 


goal is creati nuine capital from a 


modest sum of money, if you are willing 


to endure the risks this goal necessarily 


involves and if you will do the essen 


tial preliminary spadework before you 


buy a single share, then there are some 
brief guidelines I can offer, mainly the 
product of my own—and othe mis- 


takes. (Sadly istakes are 
First 


market. If you're in 


companies, not the 


for the long 


pull—and you sl be 


weakness, 


is 1973-1974 


periods of market 


year ones such should be 


seen as unusually attractive opportunities 


to buy stocks of companies you believe in 


when everyone else is convinced the world 


is coming to an end. Find out everything 


ou can about the company. Write the 


rate secretary and ask for the past 


few years’ annual reports; look at the € 
lier ones to see if the company lived up 
» its targets for the ensuing year, gener 
ally set forth in the president ter 
Also, ask for a very valuable ment 


called 


(| Form 10-K 
must file onc 


Every pub 


with the Securities 


and Exchange Commission, and it con 


ins a lot of information often kept out 
information that 


of the annual rep 


may not put th 


any information or re 


You can even ask your broker for 


earch repe 
may have on a company that i 
you—but use him just for information, 


After you have bought a stock 


its future it 


performance by how 


its 


lives up to your expectations 


ment. Al 


spelled out by its mana; 


mgh Wall Street firmly be hat a 

d stock is on es up 
(and a bad one lc 
clines), this should l 
Someone who bou; 


Midland, the largest 


company in America 


would have paid $68 for one share. Six 
months later, that 
13. Not a well-time 


ilter numerou 


was trading at 


but 
1 purchase, but toda 


xk splits 
Daniels is selling at nearly five 


1969 high. Nov 


h to buy it a 


1 
the guy who w 


en 1969 low may be 


mewhat happier with his eight 
But 


1 


panicked and sold out at what proved to be 


r they got in at the 1969 high or the 


than the fellow who 


ire a lot happier 


the bottom of a sharp upward climb. Thi 


not mean all stocks should be held 


ever once purchased, just that the 


xk market over the short 


uate widely, 1 


«ed on its psy 


the moment 
stock only when its fundamental pe 


ince diverges noticeably frc 


original research led you to € 


to follow 


t if you ever wish to 


The hardest rule but clearly 


in essential prece 


your investment in a 


multiply 
tock manyfold, is 
n 


Ignore th 


guy who never tires of telling you 


how he owns Xerox at a cost of one 


dollar per share, after adjustment for 


le stock. splits, owns it today only 


1 


e didn't sell it when it reac 
second smartest t 
Xerox; the 
was not to sell it for tw 


he ever did was to bu 


d of mine came to me ir 


1963, sec on how 
1. He said he didn't 


need for 


to inv 


expect to have any immediate 


the money and wanted to take a chance 


on seeing it grow into real capital. I 


1 list of half a dozen stoc nd 
€ ill had element 
of est. We settled on 
three of them and divided the mone 
equally among those three. Today, 1 
years later, two of the stocks have ac 
vanced modestly, le than the 
quent rate of inflation. The other 
third his $10,000 w into 150 ar 
er Labs, then selling at y 
1973, after various stock splits, he had 
1200 share I Baxter Labs with a marke 
value of $66,000, All because he didn't 
se d, or even tripled. His 
ing the two la; rd: 
000. Baxter, when 
was a rather small co 
1 $50,000,000. 
in $3,000,000, and wa 
1 rich relationship to 


lered 
in now considered 


jected it ten years earlier a 


» my friend 


being out of touch for 
learn he still ows I 
Baxter Labs. He 


what he should do 


holdin: 


far more crucial to his ultir 
th: iy original go tune in lightin 
on I is one of a number of possible 
vehicles He decided to sell 15 p 

of his Baxter stock, take a one-year » 
batical from his teaching post and go 
around the world with his wife. (I 


point of inves ull, to enable 


ng is, after 


you to acquire the financial freedom to do 


things that would not otherwise be po: 
sible just pile up paper profit 
It e the stock market to be 

rational, Surpri is is a 


universally shared on Wall 


your choices until y 


or wrong—you may nre m 
view of the stock market. The process 
isn't painful and the end results can 


be downright delightful 


If your pulse quickens after dark, Charger is 
your car. Charger has a look that was shaped for 
night. An excitement to match your mood when 
you've left the day behind. 


Close yourself in Charger, and the dark lights up. 


You're hugged by high-back bucket seats. Before 
you, a full array of controls for night cruising. A 
standard 318 V8 links to the TorqueFlite automatic 


ES. S 


day cars. 
When the sun goes down 
move into Charger time. 


PLAYBOY 


186 


JIMMY, WE HARDLY KNOW YALL ccontinuea prom page 98) 


but they're not the nicest people in 
town.” 

Why Not the Best? is the title of 
Carter's autobiography. And the concept 
of the nicest, or best, people is the key to 
nding Jimmy Carter, for it 
comes out of a patrician rural tradition 


underst 


of responsibility to which he is heir. The 
white elite who survived the civil rights 
strife without losing their power either 
by overtly siding with the blacks or by 


taking racist stands formed the core of 
the New South that Garter personifies. It 
is moderate and pragmatic and, above 
all, patrician. 

The Carters, after all, were patricians. 
Part of Jimmy's packaging includes rem 
iniscences about his childhood in à home 
without electricity. Well, in the days 
before rural electrification, nobody much 
had it, But Earl as Jimmys father was 
known, owned 4000 acres, employed serv 
ants and died with money in the bank, 


And to be patrician toward a radical 
ia meant to 


experiment such as Koir 


keep it at a proper distance without really 


siding against it 


Another personal coincidence: The 


period I spent nosing around Plains 
wasn't the first time I'd heard about 
Koine 


the gas station in Americus, I stopped to 


a, 1 remember that when 1 left 


ask directions. for the farm, 1 had read 


about it and stopped at a corner to 
naively ask a group of white men how 
to get to Koinonia. One of them sneered 
at me. "Why you want to 


boy?" 1 chose to discontinue the dialog. 


» there 


For the next few hours, there were many 
false starts up rec-clay roads with flash. 
lights shining on our California license 
plates and enormous dogs barking. 1 was 
about as scared as I've ever been and, to 
this day, 1 can't fathom the courage of 
blacks in Americus who decided to ta 
à stand. Or the whites 1 blacks w 
dared to live together at Koinonia. That 
was the night 1 met Florence and Clar 


ence Jordan, the founders of the farm 

Sixteen years later, on the Ca 
paign, 1 met Hamilton Jordan and asked 
him if he were related to the Clarence 
Jordan I'd met years a 
me Clarence, who died in 1969, was his 


ter cam: 


go. Hamilton told 


uncle and "one of the two people in my 
life 1 have respected most.” the other 
being Carter. Hamilton and 1 discussed 
Koinonia and his uncle for quite some 
time 

Hamilton has his roots in this south 


1 


west Georgia clay and reached adultho 


during the worst of the racial turmoil 
He recalls that he was a segregationist 
until “after Kennedy,” but he was always 
awed by the idealism of his uncle 


Clarence, He visited Koinonia as a kid 


and remembers: “Clarence h à tragic 

life, but he was a great, great man—a 

straight shooter, at peace with himself 
Hamilton, like Jimmy, played the 


proper, white-sheep role in his f ^ 


crusader like Clarence was the 
loser." but one who was a challenge to 
the rest of the family. As Miss Lillian 
admitted, “Clarence was 20 years ahead 
of his time 

Clarence Jordan was a Baptist minister 
with a Ph.D. who, quite literally, prac 
ticed what he preached. The Christianity 


and brotherly love about which he spoke 
so eloquently from the pulpit included 
blacks, and it didn't take the townspeople 
of Plains long to figure that out. In 1942 
he formed a small community of farmers 
and workers, black and white, in what 
mune, The Klin 
paid its first visit that year. By the Fifties 
the powerful White Citizens’ Council had 


oved on to boycotts, bombings and 


was esentially a € 


shootings. The farm became famous in the 
middle Fifties when an Atlanta newspaper 
printed a cartoon showing the Koinonia 
ghin 


g rod on its roof 
How did Carter, back from the Navy 


barn with a 


after his father's death in 1953, respond 


to the farm 

I went there several times in the 
Fifties and Sixties,” he told me. "They 
couldn't get anyone else to shell seed for 
them, 
couple of times to talk to Clarence 
Jordan I knew Clarence Jordan 


I did. I went down there a 


gh the years of 


when we were going thre 
integration.” 

I checked his recollection with that of 
Clarence’s widow, Florence, who still 
lives on the Koinonia farm. 

It's not that I want to throw a 
monkey wrench into his campaign,” she 
told me, “because most of us will prob. 


ibly vote for him. But it does seem kind 


of bad when a reporter calls here on the 
basis of Jimmy's having said he used to 
visit here and knew us. 1 have to say I'm 
sorry, but I don't even. know the man 
I've never met him, and we've been liv 
ing down the road for 34 years. People 
came here from all over the world, but 
he li 


In that same conversation, she told me 


isn't come seven miles." 


that there were p 
fri 
most of them had been forced to leave 


»ple who had been 


diy to the Koinonia folks but that 


the area because of the s 


ial press 


No one else in the county offered sup 
port. "They would lose their business or 
lose their friends," she said sadly 
that was more important than their 
Christian beliefs, "That was true of most 


in the county and [Jimmy] was 
different.” 


1 went back to Carter and pinned him 
down on what stand he had taken when 
he heard about the shootings and bomb. 


ings at Koinonia 


I didn't shoot at them or throw 


86 Proof 


"t 
ria. FIS 


they remember the gi 


nachor 


N 


remember the gift 


iver, 


187 


bombs," he in what I believe 
Was a sarcastic tone 
I know," I said, “but did you speak 


eneral deploring of 
violence," he replied. "and the grand 
jury investigated it and I think everybody 
was embarrassed by it. It was done—if it 
was done—by a fringe clement. This was 
1 time, I'd say, of very radical elements 
on both sides.” 

If Florence wasn't lying to me about 
Jimmy's visits to. Koinonia, then Jimmy 
was, Since the shootings are vastly docu 
mented, his hedge—"if it was done"— 
is chickenshit, And his answer to my 
question about whether he'd spoken 
out—"There was a general deploring 
indicates his embarrassment at any but 


the most heroic image of his past. And, to 

Conference facilities 

within the hotel offer 

Carter referred to as a presumably i versatile function space The Mediterranean 

partial force is known to have been An adjacent convention for groups up to I sun shines 300 days The Yellow Bikini 

McCarthy-type witch-hunt directec center for groups up a year over Monaco. Our rooftop snack-bar 

to 2000 people right next to our 

rooftop swimming pool. 


top it off, the grand-jury investigation 


Koinonia 

When I considered Carter's promises 
never to lie, his sanitized version of 
events in his past and his stubborn refusal 
10 a to imperfection, the implica 
tions of this exchange angered me—which Le Cafe Jardin. 

An exciting Brasserie 

in a light and airy 
Northerner. But it almost caused me greenhouse setting. 


comes easily and selfrighteously to a 


to overlook what I w 
complexity. 1 stumbled across a 
unknown incident involvin 
member of Koinonia, and it softened 
the impact for me 

It was Gloria who told me ok 
up Jack Singletary. Singletary cme ; 
from a patrician family like Carter's in TR uva) odds 7 
another part of Georgia. He attended the A one-mile Jardin / 

des Plantes overlooking Ve 

though they did not know each x d Hali dur The Grand Prix run: 
her there) and served in the Navy. But The only in-hotel E secre A PART ETAN beneath Lons 
wn the postwar draft came along casino on the Riviera. and spectacular revues. Serang the finest Monte-Carlo on the 


letary refused to register on religi beef and seafood Seen 
‘on the continent. 


al Academy at the same time Carter 


i 
F 
| 
| 
| 


ounds. He had already joined Koinonia 


when he was sent t0 Federal prison: upon 


MM 


his release, he went back to the farm 
After a couple of years. he moved to his 
own farm nearby, without giving up 
Koinonia’s pr sive ideas, He became 
in Gloria’s words, “the white nigger of 
Plains. 

Chatting with this remarkable Geor 
an, who I thought would have little 


d to say about a man who did not 


s aE applies Loews Monte-Carlo Hotel. 
memories of Carter were positive ig ^ ^ 
Shave Cream fim ‘home Irom the Navy Where nothing is overlooked. But the Mediterranean. 


ve and Rosalynn invited me to their 


Give it a try. Besides beard softeners, Trac Il Shave Cream pigs ar ge estar Loews Monte-Carlo 
is skin conditioners. Shaving's more comfortable. Your AO cans Ree tuii euer iss On the Riviera in Monaco. 
face feels soft and relaxed even after the shave. quic tee : pO eat er 

Extra Bonus. The cap has a built-in Trac II razor holder. asst eerie ies 
Keep it for use on the next can you buy. 


the incident when he was an officer on 


1 shore leave 


Hurry! Limited quantities available at participating stores. 1 was invited to an official function For reservations see your travel agent or call the LRI (Loews Reservations Inc.) toll. free number in your yellow pages: 


A black sailor wasn't invited, so the whole 


You can tell alot about an individual by what he pours into his glass. 


.. _ JAMAICA. ie 
ITULLOOK GOOD ON YOU. ae 
V \ ( J, 


The“Skicr” glass created forthe Bushmills Collection by Henry Halem 
A blend of10096 Irish Whiskies 86 Proof Bored in cand. The Jos Game Ca. New Y NY ©1973 


rew didn’t go, He was proud. He wanted 
me to know thi 

the story of the 
s family. The White 


ncil in Sumter County c 


rletary re 


DON LOPER 
INTRODUCES WHAT'S NEXT. 


merchant should sell g 


of Koinonia, and that 


1 little store down here 

store—and they circulated 
me and Koinonia were buying 
nur groceries from her, So the sheriff 


ind the Georgia E 


eau of Investigation 
€ Mrs, Howell. They 


her that if she didn't quit selling to 


nething was going to happen to 
r. But th 
Mrs. H 
was dying with leukemia and we 
t have a telephone, Mrs. Howell's 
t telephone. We had 
taken our son to Sloan-Kettering in New 
York for treatment and we were keep 


iy contact I was having 


Il was that my oldest 


g in touch with them by relephonc 


out his me 
use Mrs. H 
er telephe 


own and 


lcphone and I'd pay 
Well, she told mc 


vat she wa 
e tele 
Singletary t 


o have to stop letting 


merchants’ group, of which Carter was 


1 member. The group decided to bend 


boycott in Singletary Not now, sweetheart. Mommy is casting a 


spell on Robert Redford 


it remained in force against the 
of K 


mia. They were 1 
the merchants, and they weren't 


omething so inhumane as t 


1 leukemic boy. It wasn't a great 


When 1 told Rosalynn that I had been drinking with his old buddies at tl 


moment for Jimmy Carter, but it told 


tha Powerful White Citivens’ Counci) Hiking to Singletary, she said quietly, station in unpopular stand 
where he and some of the best people “Yes that’s right—they were heroic the church people in speaking out against 
a wn peor people. It took people from the outside the antiquated liquor laws. That much 


to shake us up into seeing what was may not be surprising, but it was also he 
more to the Koinonia j 5 I 


right. I have a lot of respect for th 
the Carter. family T 


There is even 


: who financed a 1966 lawsuit against seg 
that reflect 


\t invalidates the simple stereo. People.” I don't care what I read aby regated private schools. 
. we've been allowed to see. For R®S#lynn in the Ladies’ Home Je On the other hand, there is cousin 
Singleury. told. me about a fom now on; I'm prepared to admire Hugh, whom news people love to quote 
up that changed my mind about er without being cynical for quaint pl hy wa 
I ano qup Cer mcd erudit E the one who fought against the very 
telae taken CoU C OG GI As I began collecting other bits of desegregation initiative his cousins sup: 
Our li of leu. Evidence ny of them favorable the ported; he was also head of the board of 
n Cartes, from sources that seemed impar- deacons in the Baptist Church and in 1962 
our fide froid tial, 1 realized how superficially the voted to keep blacks out of the church 
be fueril press—with the connivance of the Carter that Jimmy tried to integrate. And it 
: campaign—had characterized these hu- wasn't just blacks he was opposed to. His 
xai ade man bein arl Carter, for e, board deacons unanimously voted 
ber to say and she ions out a € been the hidebound against admitting the Singletarys as church 
informal Quakertype racist he is mac to be, It was he, in members, merely for associating with 
€ body into fact, who first. befr d Singletary, in blacks, Singletary told me that the board 
Koinonia had made. We t viting him (on one on with a black had warned his family they weren't even 
a little playground there w friend) into the back he store for a welcome to visit the church. Needless to 
played and buried him without any re soda pop when such an act took courage. say, Jimmy and Rosalynn opposed Hugh's 


nn left here, I'm told, really Mr. Earl,” as Si 
d wd went to Plai the went into 
A dramatic new line of contemporar eather and belts. For the man Baptist preacher and bawled him out. bine clo 

who seeks a bold designer look in every accessory he chooses — as a gift, or for himself. PEE RI sical Ne IE dee 


Only at those stores where you'd expect to find what's next in fashion. dee sese Ee Fabi cs 


come so finally had a 


called him, also position on this and Jimmy stood up in 


arn ith him to com- church the following Sunday to plead 


"i unsuccessfully for the admission of the 
letarys 
or is Miss Lillian the Central Casting 


two non-family figure she likes to play. For instance, we've 


t with Singletar 


[2 DON LOPER“ ws a little t into members Earl asked to his bedside heard a lot about the fact that she entered 
t e is and I'm sure F Carter, the incorrigible cracker the Peace Corps at the age of 68, but 
BEVERLY HILLS hat ier who still uses the nigger when he's usually in the context of an old lady poing 489 


PLAYBOY 


190 


Warning: The Surgeon General 
Determined That Cigarette Smoking 
Is Dangerous to Your Health. 


Fiter: 20 mg. "ur", LS mg, nicotine 
av. per cigarette by FTC method. 


off on a lark, In one of our conversations, 
she revealed some of that condescending 
but well-intentioned patrician spirit that 
now marks Jimmy (I have condensed a 


much longer monolog 

I went to India, which is a dark coun 
try with a warm climate, because I felt the 
South had been so awful to blacks that I 
wanted to go where I could help people 
who had nothing I did a lot of 
family-planning work and had to explain 
to those poor people why it was necessary 
for them If a man had more th 


three children, he had to have a vasec 


1 


tomy, which was fair. It was the only way 
to handle it, because those people are 
ignorant and the only outlet they have is 
sex I listened to one of the women at 
the clinic explain to one of the men why 
he needed a vasectomy: I had seen some 
of the men almost lose their minds. You 
know, they could not believe that if they 
had the operation they would still be men 
so I would see a lot of scenes of broken 
men. I would see some of the attend. 
inis holding men down on the tables for 
their operation and I said, I can do better 
than that, so I must tell you what I did: 
I would stand at the man's head: he 


he had to 


hadn't had a shot or anythi 
stand it without anesthesia. 1 stood at his 
head and 1 got a pan of cold water and I 
would talk in a low, soothing voice and 
put rags on his head. and | would say 
Phats all right—I had a few words of 
Hindi that | could say to keep him 
calm It hurts, you have to cut thc 
thing in two and, oh, that hurts. So that's 
what 1 did with the vasectomies. 
. 
My focus on the Carters’ patrician 


spirit and on Koinonia and on civil rights 


isn't to raise the specter of intolerance or 
closet racism. It's pretty clear that Carter 
and most of his amily were never racists 

und were, on the whole, as courageous as 
any of the “best” families, But I do raise 
it to say that Carter and his family can't 
be capsulized as easily as they want to 
make us think. Despite Carter's acts of 


ays act courageously 


courage. he didn't ah 
He was cat 


was only human—which means he often 


ht in a terrible time and he 


didn't do the right thing. But Jimmy 
Carter won't admit it, The real heroes of 
the era were less than ten miles up th 
road in either direction from his home all 
his life. taking the 


ost terrible punish: 


ment, and he won't admit that he shunned 
them like nearly everyone else. Like all 
of us. 

Carter is addicted to the theory that we 


ss by stressing our virtues rather 


prog 
than by dwelling 
major theme of his campaign speeches 


on failures; this is the 


There's undoubtedly some merit to this 
approach, but it seems to me that it ex 
cludes serious learning from past error 
. 


ing of the past leads 


The mythole 
naturally to the prettific 


on of present- 


day Plains. Right here, in brother Billy's 


120s 


All those 
extra puffs. 
Costs no more 
than 100s. 


TALL 


MENTHOL 


< 


120s 


20 FILTER CIGARETTES 


à moking 
Your Health. 


gerous t 


Menthol 18 mg. "tar". 16 mg nicotine 
aw. per cigarette by FTC method. 


fire-prone gas station and cousin Hugh's 
antique store, when the talking and drink 
get going. one still finds considerable 
contempt for “niggers.” I was with Billy 
when he pointed out a hulking, mean: 
looking local and explained, "He's a John 
Bircher—used to be in the White Citizens 
Council. John Birch is real big around 
here. They've taken over from the Council 
and the Klan 

Plains and Americus are no better or 


worse than many other places, but hang: 


ing out in these towns makes you wonder 


where Jimmy gets off extolling the virtues 
of small-town living, as he often does, It 
merely leaves the rest of us feeling guilty 
hankering for some sort of idyllic golden 
age that never existed. “Why not the 
best?" is a reasonable question if it is 
made clear that the best doesn't exist 
that it's something we can only aspire to. 
And it is this self-righteous, sanctimonious, 
smily side of Jimmy Carter that gets to 
me, because it miseducates us about the 
real problems we face in trying 


o become 
the best, Carter frequently promises that 
he will never lie to us, but his power-of 
positive-thinking stance is itself a lie. We 
ire not all “full of love.” We don't "all 
want the same things.” His version of the 
good life, filled with churches and ser 


mons, would bore a lot of people—includ 
ing those in his home town 


1 remember one afternoon in a small 


town in Oregon during the primary « 


paign when there was a convention of 


barbershop quartets, T didn't mind it 
until several of the quartets approached 
Carter and serenaded him with a syrupy 
rendition of Dixie, Carter began to speak 
about how the scene was exactly the same 
in Plains, where people sit around on the 
grass and listen to music, and said that 
that was what the good life was really like 
It was such a cloying performance all 
around that I began muttering incoher 
ently about the need for a little perversity 
in everybody's life, I asked one of the 


mers whether he believed in all this 
smalltown goodness that he represented 
fully expecting to be punched out. His 
answer restored my faith in America much 
more than anything Carter said that day 


Hey, man," he said in a pleasing tenor 


voice, “this is camp! 
Kids are being busted right now in 


Plains lor hard drugs. Carter's nephew is 


ird«drug user and homosexual who is 


serving time in a California jail for armed 


robbery. Rosalynn told me that her 


friend's 16-year-old son is serving time in 


prison on a marijuana charge. In August 
1 28-year-old puritan named Randy How 
ird. was elected Sumter County sheriff on 
the basis of his record as a one-man narc 
squad, hassling half the younger popula 


tion, Howard claims that organized crime 


has moved into the area with dru 
He s 


pornography and gambli 


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191 


PLAYBOY 


192 


alcoholism remains the number-one 
problem in the area. 

The hypocrisy about booze is extreme. 
One hot night, when Carter and Walter 
Mondale were scheduled to speak at the 
Plains railroad depot, I went over to 
brother Bill s station to get a six-pack 
and then went back to the rally, only to 
be told by Buford Reese, a local Carter 
man, "Friend, would you put that away 
on behalf of the community?" We in the 
press giggled, But later I felt sorry for 
Buford and for Howard (who had told me 
that he never touches alcohol and doesn't 
think people need anything more than 
Coca-Cola), because their sincerity cannot 
possibly withstand their daily experiences 
with the reality of life in Sumter County 
Hell, the next President's. brother. sells 
beer late into the night and his mother 
has been known, as are 
Southern ladies, to pick up a half-pint of 
harder stuff. (It always had to be bought 
in halfpint bottles or the liquorstore 
people, and 
might get the 
needs this guilt? 

Evidently, it serves a purpose. The way 
Jody Powell explains it, life in these towns 
is so intimate and passions so close to the 


many older 


therefore everyone else, 


wrong idea) But who 


surface that certain fictions must be main- 
tained as social restraints. There are just 
certain things that the “best people’ 
ought not to be scen doing or everything 
else will fall apart. Although everyone 
knows that the contradictions are there 
it is important to conceal them, And it is 
this principle that Jimmy Carter has made 
the mainstay of his drive for the Presi 
dency. In the wake of Watergate and 
the myriad other revelations about the 
seamy side of Government, Garter has 
proceeded to conduct himself as one of the 
best people who will not lie, cheat, screw 
around y other way reflect 
a dishevel 
cided, as he states in his autobiog) 
carry on "in the tradition of the best 
people," and that’s just what he's been 
doing. His daddy had done the same and 
his momma took over after his daddy's 
death, They 
publicly embody a high standard of mo: 


mble or in à 
d and chaotic spirit, Carter de 


phy, to 


consciously attempted to 


rality as a playing out of their historic ro 
as one of the leading families. It is there 
fore understandable that Jimmy has now 
extended that principle to national poli 
tics, What has startled everyone is that 
because of the particular disarray of 
American Government, at this moment 
that old style fulfills a national need. 

The limit of this stance is that it is 
based on paternalism, It assumes that the 
best people are the source of cultural and 
moral wisdom. And although they have an 
obligation to help educate the rest of us, 
we don't stand much of a chance of get- 
educated. Hence, they will have to 
e and manipulate us sinners 
better than we are. That is why 
Jimmy appears fuzzy on the issues: He 


can't tell us too much or we might prevent 
his gaining power to do the right thi 


WILL CARTER KICK ASS? 

If, after the inauguration, you 
find a Cy Vance as Secretary of State 
and Zbigniew Brzezinski as head of 
National Security, then I would say 
we failed. And I'd quit. But that's 
not going to happen. 
to 5 faces, new ideas. The 
Government is going to be run by 
people you have never heard of 

— HAMILTON JORDAN 


You're going 


new 


By the time I'd finished my Southern 
odyssey, it scemed to me that despite all 
the contradictions I'd found, most of 
the fears of Carter's liberal critics ap- 
peared unwarranted. A Carter Presidency 
will probably be strong on civil liberties 
and civil rights. Blacks and women will 
probably be amply sprinkled throughout 
the higher levels of his Administration 
(though it hasn't yet happened in his 
campaign staff) and freethinkers won't be 
thrown into jail. On the contrary 
Nixon, secure in his right flank, was able 
to open relations with China, Carter's 
Bible base will probably permit him to 
extend our basic freedoms. If his cur 
rent staff becomes the palace guard, it 
might even be fun 

But, having looked at Carter as a 
Southern. patrician, what about his con 
political 


z shots"? 


Just as 


stant campaign cries against 
and economic elites,” 
Aren't Southern 
part of the political elite? And when 
they're backed by large Southern-based 


against "l 


successful politicians 


aren't they part of the 
Carter has a particularly 
close relationship. with Coca-Cola board 
chairman J. Paul Austin, who organized 
fund-raising and businessmen’s gi 


corporations, 
economic elite 


ips 
foe li ieee wan EPE porte: qouble 
when the press reported that Carter had 
taken a couple of trips abroad that were 
paid for by Coke 
that Coke is based in Atlanta and Pepsi 
is in Purchase, New York, both are huge, 
multinational corporations with similar 
1 policy 


And while it's true 


positions on forci 

What got me thinkin 
was a camp. 
Arkansas, Carter was 
speech and I was chatting with Pat 
Anderson, his speechwriter, 
swept airport. There was also a contingent 
of beauty contestants brought up onto the 
podium. I'd just interviewed Miss Poul 
try—honest to God—out of a fear that 
I'd go crazy if 1 had to listen to Carter's 
speech one more time 

@ "Miss Poultry, 1 wonder if you 
could tell us your positi 


about all this 
Fayetteville 
delivering his 


gn stop 


at the wind: 


n on foreign 
policyz" 

^. I'm sorry, we're not allowed to have 
positions. It's against the rules 

I turned to Anderson to ask him his 
policy; I figured I'd 
have better luck with him, since he'd 
been jotting 


position on fore 


down notes for Carter's 


upcoming speech before the Foreign 
Policy Association in New York. Ander- 
son waved me aside and said, “Later. I 
have to check this speech out with 
Brzezinski.” 

Check it out with Brzezinski? That 
was when I flashed back to the fact that 
the first time 
Jimmy Carter wasn’t over beers in some 
redneck bar with the likes of Jody 
Powell or Hamilton Jordan but in Mount 
Desert. Maine, with none other than 
Zbigniew Brzezinski. 

It was the summer of 1975 and 1 was 


I'd ever really heard of 


researching an article on the Rockefellers 
who vacation on the coast of Maine. I'd 
met Zbig and his wife and they'd asked 
me over to their 27-room house just 
down the road from David Rockefellers 
place. I found that Zbig had been 
sponsored by David Rockefeller in much 
the same way that Henry Kissinger had 
been sponsored by Nelson Rockefeller 
("With one important distinction 
Zbig cautioned. "Henry worked for Nel 
son as an employee and I work with 
David as 
It was L 


sociate.") 
k then tha: Brzezinski told 
me that he favored a former governor of 


Georgia as the Democratic candidate. 1 
was surprised. Why a G 


gian peanut 
farmer who was supposed to be a grass 
roots populist should have earned the 
enthusiasm of an establishment. intellec 
tual like Brzezinski was a mystery to me 
Well, it turned out that Brzezinski 
and Carter had a relationship going back 
to 1972, when David Rockefeller asked 
the then-Governor of Geor 


to join 
the new international-elite organization 
lled the Trilateral 
Commission, Carter told me he was 
never to miss a meeting of the ‘Trilateral 
Commission during the next three y 
and that he received his basic foreign: 


that he was forming 


ars 


policy education under its auspices. It is 


also clear that during 
was able to impress David Rockefeller 
who is part of the group that runs things 
ter had already de 
cided to run for the Presidency, remem 
ber. Rafshoon, his media specialist, told 
me during the campaign that Carter's 


his period, Carter 


in this country. C; 


selection to the Trilateral Commission 
was "one of the most fortunate ac 
cidents of the early campaign and critical 


to his building support where it count 


arce for the main 
foreign-policy ideas in the Carter pro 
Which should be enough of a 
build-up to justify the question: What is 
1 Trilateral Commission 

Essentially, the Trilateral Commission 
and financial bi 
wigs from west Europe, Japan, Canada 
and the U.S, formed to provide a com 
mon negotiatir 
dustrialized cap 
Rockefeller was 


ed." It is also the s 


is a group of politica 


position for the in 
David 


instrumental in its 


alist nations. 


founding. It's as much of a political and 
nic elite as you can find 
The Rockefeller family has long had a 


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PLAYBOY 


194 


Brut for Men. 


If you have 
any doubts 
about yourself, 


try 
something else. 


After shave, after shower, after anything. 
Brut” lotion by Fabergé 


propensity for establishing foundations, 
commissions, think tanks and study 
groups. These basically involve using ta 
free dollars to buy up high-priced intel- 
lectual talent in order to develop social 
programs that ostensibly meet the pub- 
lics needs while maintaining (a darker 
spirit might suggest "extending") the in- 
terests of the Rockefellers. ‘The original 
Rockefeller Brothers Reports and, more 
recently, Nelson’s Commission on Critical 
Choices for Americans, are examples of the 
process. David happens to have taken an 
interest in foreign affairs: The New York 
Council on Foreign Relations, of which he 


is the chairman, is one of his pet projects. 
The C.F.R. was directed for 25 years by 
David's college roommate, one Geor 
Franklin, who left the C.F.R. at David's 
behest to form the Trilateral Commissio 

Franklin told me that he was the 
person who first hired an enterprising 
young Harvard professor to work for 
the Council and, ight years of 
heading up or participating in Council 
studies, Henry Kissinger went on to do 
quite well in Government service. Kisin- 
ger and Brzezinski were in the same class at 
Harvard Graduate School. Although both 
ve been Rockefeller/ Franklin protégés, 
they try to avoid speaking to each other, 
{ a rellection of their egos 


which is more 
than of an 


serious policy differences be 
two men, Franklin and Da 
like them both and one suspects they dor 
really care which one is Secretary of State. 

Carter has made an issue of his dif 
ferences with Kissinger’s foreign policy, 
but given his reliance on the Trilateral 
Brzezinski, he must 


tween th 


Commision and 
have had to dig for differences. Since 
there aren't many, he decided to attack 
Kissinger’s "Lone Ranger" methods. But 
it doesn't add up to much in the way of 


real dissimilarities. 
Also, Jimmy Carter, the man who now 


says the war in Vietnam was terrible an 

racist, has chosen the Trilateral Com 
mission's Samuel. Huntington as one of 
his advisors. Huntington's main claim to 
fame is that he came up with the forced 
m for Vietnam, 


urb; 


nization prog 
which meant bombin 
"dry up the sea of people" around the 
Viet Cong. Carter is also relying on Paul 
Nitze, who, as nearly as 1 can tell, has 
been shouting "The Russians are com 
ing!" since the days of the last czar. 

It makes you wonder if we aren't 
er. Henry's balance-of- 


the countryside to 


safer with Kissi 
power ideas may be old-fashioned and 
erous, but are we better off with 
ti 


da 
Brzezinski's slightly. different n 
a gathering of the powerful—which is 
what the Trilateral approach is all 
When the Democratic Party elite re 
turn from exile with Carter (and they 
bably will: I saw most of them pop 
up while I traveled on the press plane 


is of 


bout? 


during the campaign and we all know 
about the trek they took from Harvard 
to Plains after the nomination), they'll 
want to do something to outdistance 
Kissingers mark. They'll want to be 
spectacular. So here we go again: the 
best and the brightest, part two. 

Against that prognosis, all 1 had to go 
on as I pulled out of my odyssey was the 
assurance by sister Gloria and Carter's 
son Chip that they'd lead a demonstra 
tion if Carter got us into another Viet 
nam. That, and the assurance by Carter's 
young aides that our next President is a 
committed Georgia populist. who will 
never cave in to the Eastern establish- 
ment. And, to be fair, Carter himself has 
said that on principle, he is against m 
tary intervention in foreign countries. 

Still, if Brzezinski doesn't become Sec 
retary of State, it’s only because you 
can't have two accents in a row, As in 
Kissinger's case, he'll probably first do 
à stint as national-security advisor. Zbig 
is bener informed and more reasonable 
than most of the establishment. figures 
Carter has gone to, but when I talked 
with Zbig that summer in Maine, he made 
it clear that to him, Carter was no Georgia 
populist who would rock any boats. He 
seemed to judge him an urbane thinker 
who had passed muster with the estab: 
lishment 

s 
new faces or the old gang from Harvard? 
Or, put another way, can 
from southwest Georgia wh 


which is it going to be—some fresh 


millionaire 
was raised to 


care about the poor and wants government 
to be returned to the people do so with 
out kicking ass? 

Is Jimmy Carter too good to be true? 
I still don't know, because I hardly 
know him. But I do have one more 
anecdote to throw into the hopper 

A couple of nights before he was to 
give his acceptance speech in New York 
Jimmy Carter was sitting in his expen 
sive suite with Anderson, Caddell, Powell 
and Rafshoon, He was reading his speech 
every few sentences 


aloud and stoppin 
to get their reaction. When he got to 
the section blasting political and econom 
ic elites, one of his aides suggested it 
be cut: it was t 
The New Yor 
tion of the speech a few days later as 
“demagogic” and “populist.”) Up in 
his hotel room, Carter thought for a 
minute, looked around the room slowly 


controversial, (In fact 
Times attacked. that. por 


and said, "No. I have a very stre 
nd I want to 


vis 


ceral feeling about that 
use v 

After all these months, after all the 
ambiguity and the packaging and the 
rewritten history, my visceral feeling is 
that Jimmy Carter has those visceral 
feelings. 

It's also my favorite anecdote. 


8000000 STORIES 


(continued [rom page 158) 


baseball bats. The cops call the area Fort 
Apache. Not only is help not on the way 
with bugles bur they just laid off a third 
of the cavalry 

1 went to the Criminal Courts Build 
ing and saw robbers arriving for court 
dates in the khaki jump suits they wear 
when they pistol-whip 70-year-old lique 
store owners with heart conditions. "They 
leave the guy fibrillating, peel off the 
jump suits and laugh when the cop car 
drives by looking for two men in khaki 
coveralls. They carry their legal papers 
und in red rope folders and refer to 
the judges knowingly by their last names. 

I went to the N.Y.C. Correctional In- 
stitution for Men on Riker’s Island and 
watched a battalion of the recidivists who 
n 


ke it unwise to step into a city street 
without a third-degree black belt in Pra 

ing Mantis Kung Fu being lockstepped 
to a cafeteria with piped-in Barry White. 
I sat down and listened to a 2 


year-old 
Viet vet with a sweet smile and a gentle 
voice and scars in the crooks of his 
elbows who was in for a “bullet,” one 
year for burglary, but who basically 
mugged people with a straight razor in 
the city’s most expensive neighborhood, 
the East 60s just off Central Park, to 
which he commuted every day from 
Queens. He told me apologetically that 
he had mugged perhaps 1000 people and 
that in good weeks he had netted $3000 
to $5000, 


I sat down with Ralph Salerno, the 
former head of the city police Rackets 
Bureau, author of The Crone Confedera- 
tion, the top expert in the country on 
zed crime, who told me that the city 
could simultaneously bring the heroin 
traffickers to their knees and bal 
budget by legalizing the numbers, the 
slum lottery. He explained that the her 

waffüc was financed by the “float” 
numbers bets and could be shut off 


nee the 


fro 
overnight. But New York's legislators 
were in the pockets of the numbers men 


who were always good for a campaign 
contribution, so that in all the casting 
about for ways to "save New York," 
legalizing the numbers hadn't even been 
mentioned 

I sat across fr 


m Sterling Johnson, Jr, 
1 Narcotics Prosecutor, as 


the city’s Spec 
he kept one eye on the closed-circuit TV 
on which he would get a preview of the 
hit men coming to kill him if the con 
tract on his life happened to be con- 
summated while we were chatting. He 
told me that the city’s Narcotics Squad 
had been cut from 600 10 450 and that 
because of seniority, the 175 who walked 
were the undercover men who actually 
made the buys, so that the number of 
collars had dropped by two thirds. He 
told me that cops are discouraged from 
working on Sundays, so that’s when all 


the deals go down. He told me that the 
Turks were about to start manufacturing 
heroin themselves, thereby eliminating 
the need for a new French Connection, 
and that in the face of the coming deluge 
of heroin, his budget had been cut in 
half. As I got up to leave, one of John 
son's li ked him 
when he could count on getting his first 
pay check, because he had been working 
there six months and still hadn't been 
paid. 

I'll spare you the account of my meet 
ing with the city’s comptroller. You c 
have a rain check on my encounter with 
the president of New York University. 
Instead, I'll tell you about my tête-à-tête 
man about town who has a hole 
and who carries a scythe. 

One evening, while I was at my hotel 
recuperating from a series of sensory in 
sults otherwise known as a day in New 
York, everything I had seen and heard in 
the past several days resolved itself into 
a death’s-head, What New York was go 
ing through wasn't just a fiscal crisis of 
the city’s government—it was a concat- 
enation of crises in every area of the 
city's life, I realized that not one of the 
situations I had encountered stood the re 
motest chance of being turned around. 
And I had barely scratched the surface 

The words of Jack Dempsey when they 
asked him what he had to say after his 
rent was jacked up so high that he had 
to close his restaurant, where passers-by 
used to crowd around the window to 
watch the champ cat and it was as if you 
could file into the tomb in Red Squa 
and see Lenin behind the glass puttin 
away a Spanish omelet, echoed in my 
mind, louder and louder: This is the end 
of Broadway . of Broadway of 
Broadway. ... 


nd 


yers came in 


e 


I sought an audience with Lewis 
Mumford, universally acknowledged as 
the greatest urban scl 


r, a man who 
a the metropolitan 
myth to reside in a hamlet in Upstate 
New York. Were the situations I had en 
countered terminal processes? Did New 
York still have hope of recovery and 
escape? Or should I try to get her to tell 
me where she put the key to the safe- 
deposit box? 

"The patient has a terminal disease,” 
Dr. Mumford told me. “It is too late to 
operate. We can give drugs to ease the 
pain, but there is no possibility of a cure 
Get a copy of my book The Culture of 
Cities and read the chapter on Rome. 

Mumford's prognosis was so unremit 
tingly bleak that I decided it was neces 
sary to go above his head and approach 
the world's most authoritative expert on 
urban affairs: the New York City cabby 
Here is what John Mitchell, hack number 
who drives out of the Dover 
e on Hudson Street, told me: 

I's a comforting myth to suppose 
that the city’s financial base is | 
eroded by the interaction of incr 


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195 


PLAYBOY 


196 


expenditure on welfare, municipal pay 
rolls and the like, with shrinking 


venue 
as taxable corporations and their employ 
ces leave the city, These phenomena are 
certainly real, but they are symptoms of 
the city’s malaise, not its cause 


Cities are living creatures, as all cul 


tural organisms are, and subject to the 
imperative that when environmental con 
ditions change, one must adapt or die 


New York is pr 


was the raison d'étre of its establishment 


arily a seaport. This 


in 1625 and the base on which the rest 
of its history is built. New York is sec 
ondarily a business, communications, in 
dustrial and cultural center 


Seaports are no longer as essential as 


they once were: aircraft carry freight just 
s effectively as ships and are more etfi 
cient in that they can unload right at the 
destination of the cargoes. Hence, a par 
ticular location with all the parapher 
nalia for the unloading and rerouting of 
freight is an obsoletism 

Similarly, the business and industrial 
aspects of the city are totally dominated 
by communications. It is now possible to 
sell a customer in Seattle a product in 
inventory in Dallas, record the trans 
action in Salt Lake City and exchange 
the funds in a Boston bank simulta 
neously, by machine. Business and indus 
try not only no longer need to be 
centralized but are, in fact, hampered by 
centralization 

The conclusion to draw is not that 
some person or cabal of interests is 
destroying the city. The city is dying 
because it is no longer necessary to the 
social organism. 

At that point, something inside me 
snapped. Every New Yorker's nervous 
system is the city in microcosm. The ego 
is midtown Manhattan, The supereg 
Wall Street. The id is Times Square. The 


bcons 


ious is the network of passages 


beneath the streets where the utilities run 


and, it is said, alligators flushed down 


toilets as babies grow to maturity and lie 


in wa 


for employces of the Department 


of Water, Gas and Electricity. As the city 
goes haywire, the municipal workers in 
the little city inside cach New Yorker 


begin to be laid off. Mine retaliated with 


1 general strike 
Suddenly, 1 found myself in the most 


luxurious penthouse apartment in New 


York, It is now the lair of an individual 
known as Jive, the King of the Muggers. 
Jive is as black as the darkness behind 


your eyes immediately after one of his le 


gion of 16-year-old. button men saps you 
from behind with a stretch sock full of 
bird shot, He has redone the general's 
apartment in crimson shag and smoke 
mirror with black patent vinyl couches 


track lighting and a rade sound 


system that plays Gamble and Huff. 24 
hours a day 
The King of the M 


down and sets at daw 


ers rises at sun 


1, and in the mean 


time keeps in radio contact with his 


supervisory force, sips malt liquor and 
gets sucked off by a skinny white female 


with a henna friz who never says any 


The reason she never says any 


is that one night it occurred to | it 


€ had never liked feel of her teeth 


on his John "Thomas, so he took off his 


sunglasses and bashed her pumpkin seeds 


down her throat and told her to say 


thank you, which she did drooling bloody 


goo, because the young lady knows ! 


etter 


than to trifle with the 21-ycar-ok 
tate of street terror in the wealthiest 


neighborhood in the world. 


t my guys out in radio-equipped 


ulf to all the were 


player cars dealing 
wolves on the swank East Side," Jive 
says. “They want to work the park 
streets, that OK with Jive, long as they 


buy from Jive's guys. If they say, "Hey, I 


thank you, brother, but 1 already loa 
they get to see how good they walk with 
one kneecap, Strikir 


of the multitude is a delicate alfair—you 


ear into the heart 


don't want all kind of wash out there 
shuckin' on their own. To create anar 
chy, you need organization. If you really 
want to save New York, get city hall to 
legalize street crime and run it for profit 
All the mu; 


weeks. By the way, you know anybody 


gers be in desk jobs in six 


want to buy a snuff film of Staten Island 
I asked Jive if he didn't think that his 


ictivities might betray a certain lack of 


civie pride 
Listen, PLAYBOY, what I'm doin’ ain't 


nothin’. "There's a war on inst New 


York in which my Continental kids is 
just sharps 
The assassinations of the Sixties was all 
directed against New York. John F 
ty, all 


that stylin’ and profilin’ about Massachu 


oters. picking off stragglers 


Kennedy was a New York personal 


setts notwithstanding. Yeah, Joe Kennedy 
come from Boston. So what? I from 
Toi 


family to Bronxville in 1926 and the 


loo, Missisippi. Joe moved his 


heavy part of his business and political 
career was conducted out of New York. 
The family office is in the city to this day 
|.F.K's financial backing 
city. His political rabbi was Charley 
Buckley, the Bronx Den 


icies were pure New York liberal eye 


cratic boss, His 


wash. While he was President, he sp 


nt 


1 great big hunk of his time running the 


country out of his apartment in the 
Carlyle Hotel. The Carlyle was his San 
Clemente, only he made sure with his 
news management’ that he didn’t have 
to read about no Manhattan White 
House. And before Gentleman. Johnny 
got iced, look at all the New York City 
Presidential contenders and winners, 
from Teddy Ro: It to Al Smith to 
F.D.R. (really a New York figure wh 
behind a Hyde Park im: 
E. Dewey, Since 1963, nobody from New 


York has even been nominated 
Maleolm was the head of the New 


York moff of the Muslims—pow 


Martin Luther Kingfish hung his hat ir 
Atlanta but operated with 100 percent 
New York money—the New York liber 
ils’ designated black leader. When Bobby 
from New York 


tim of carpetba 


the K ran for Sem 


lot of people accused 
i 


zing. His whole campaign was about 
he was really a New York boy. All 
murders added up to an Operation Pl 


nix against the most effective matic 
nts of New Yorkism—'c 


that's what it was: an ism that had to be 


propon 


extirpated. You heard of homicide? Gen 


ocide? This a brand-new crime 


icide—blowing away a city. Goes r 


through to the cancellation of Sat 
ht Live with Howard Cosell. 
This whining about how New York's 


« victim of Southern racism—you know 


that black people was so poor anc 


pressed down South that they all mo 
to the city—that 100 percent pure lard 
M the time of the Civil War, New York 
supported the South. In 1861, Mayor 
Fernando Wood proposed that New 


York City secede from the Union, become 


1 ‘free city’ and sympathize with the 
Southern states. Motherfucker had Nor 
man Mailer beat by 108 years. In 1863. 
the Democratic politicians convinced the 
Irish that the draft was taking too many 
potato eaters and that if slavery was 
rs would 
hbor 


abolished, all the free n 


come up and there'd go the n 
hood. The Irish staged the biggest riot in 
American history—1200 killed, m 
black. Look on my wall—see that old 
prim? That my favorite picture of th 
Draft Riots, Caption reads, ‘Carry 

Plunder from the Orphan Asylum 
Whenever I hear a Democratic pol 
runnin' his mouth about New York hav 


in' to pick up the welfare tab for all the 
black refugees from Southern racism, I 
think of that caption. If New York had 
its way, we'd still be slaves, Our being 
here serve New York right 

Everybody blames how disgusting this 
town is on the blacks and PRs, The 


think before the coloreds arrived it was 


lden age, with everybod 


some kind of g g 
sitting around Delmonico's, lookin 


Well, let me tell 


1—this city was a shithole 


something 
when it was white as underneath a 


Polack's bathing suit 


my ebony ass! Ir 
one seve the city was on relief 


exactly tl 


Jive sprang to his bookcase. "Cent 


Park? Listen to Sir Lepel Griffin, a « 


nial administrator in India, visited 


city in 18 The Central Park il 
from being a magnificent of 
wilderness in the center of nothing, i 


ill-kept, ragged and at night is unsafe for 
cither sex.’ If Johnny Carson had been 
iround a hundred years ago. he'd have 


been telling Central Park gags then, too. 


Let's sce, who have we here? A 


Rudyard Kipling, my man. New York 


“My God—I clean forgot it was Thursday.” 


PLAYBOY 


streets in 1892 are ‘kin to the approaches 
of a Zulu ki nd we know what ole 
Rudyard thought about Zulu highway 
maintenance. ‘Gullies, holes, ruts, cob- 
blestones awry . . . building materials 
scattered half across the street . . . and 
lastly, a generous scatter of filth and more 
mixed stinks than the winter wind c: 
carry away...’ 

“Oh, here my main man, Matthew 
Hale Smith, "The World-Renowned Cor- 
respondent of the Boston and New York 
ss! Sunshine and Shadow in New 
York, 1879. Calls this little vignette of 
New York's golden age A Night on 
Murray Hill: 


ned some late 
nd was invited by a 
friend to take a bed in his brown 
stone mansion near Fifth Avenu 
Before going to bed, I 
tained with the probable prog 
the night. The entire row of houses 
opposite had been entered a night 
or two before and completely sacked. 
I was informed that the entrance to 
this house, if it were entered at all, 
would be by the lower door or 
through one of the windows of the 
room that I was to occupy. Should 
an entrance be made into my room, 
I was cautioned to lie perfectly still 
and to scarcely breathe, as that was 
the only chance of life, The burglars 
enter with a velvet tread, and they 
do not add murder to robbery if they 
can avoid it... The preparation 
for the night was the letting loose 
a huge bulldog, whose ferocity re- 
quired him to be confined in the cel 
lar during the daytime. Such is life 
in gay New York among the upper 
ten. 


"I was d 
one night, 


> you see—the niggers and PRs 
en't put New York into no decline 
city ain't got nowhere to decline 


from. 

“And a word to the wise, amigo. I'm a 
proud soldier in this war against New 
York. This is Dinosaur € It too 
clumsy, Its brain too small, It had its 
day. It time for it to sink into the ooze. 
You know, the city budget is more than 
12 billion dollars. "The to assessed 
valuation of the whole town is only 80 
billion dollars. "That's like if you were 
spending $8000 a year to keep up a 
540,000 house—and one that was anti 
quated and crowded and kept getting 
more decrepit the more work you did on 
it. You'd have to be crazy. With 12 bil- 
lion dollars a year, in five years you could 
build a new city for 8,000,000 people 
anywhere you want. You could call it 
ew New York and everybody could sit 
around inisce about rush hour 
on the us Expressway. But you 
wouldn't build one city for 8,000,000— 
you'd build 100 cities of 80,000. Propping 


198 up New York impedes the next evolu- 


tionary step—the creation of a network 
Í ecologically balanced, electronically 
linked, regional economic and cultural 
centers. New York is a sponge that soaks 
up all the energy we should be putting 
into the future. Ame knows this in- 
tuitively. One of my favorite pastimes is 
1 call up 25 people long distance and say 
I the Gallup Poll. I ask them whether 
they would want the U. S, to go to total 
nuclear war if Russia dropped the H- 
bomb on New York City. I tape the 
answers. Make a great comedy record. 
Me and my mugging minions may be the 
malefactors of the moment, but we the 
heroes of tomorrow. We the barbarians 
sacking Rome so they be room for the 
Cavalieri Hilton." 

Jive tells me he has an appointment 
downtown at 4:30 P.M. but would like to 
take me to his “favoritest place in the 
city." We go downstairs and get into 
Rolls-Royce Silver Shadow pimpmobile 
with wide whitewalls, turquoise candy 
flake with coral striping and a white 
padded sun roof with gold anodized S 
bars and an opera light. We run every 
light in ntral Park, exit at 110th Street 
and drive to 11th Street and Eighth 
Avenue in Harlem. The sidewalks are 
packed for blocks with shuffling zombies. 

s symbolic figment of your febrile 
tion," Jive says, pulling to the 
curb. “But this place is real. This is The 
Pit—the New York Stock 
heroin. Ain't it E 
here. T got to go down to Maiden Lane 
and meet with a committee of the city's 
bankers and insurance executives. We 
work together driving the middle class 
out of New York to places where they 


have investments. I make sure there's no 
good neighborhood in 


such thing as 
New York and they keep the heat off m: 
He let me out, lowered the passenger 
window and leaned across the seat. 

"Don't stand on the sidewalk," he ad. 
vised confidentially. “At this time of day, 
if you on the sidewalk and you ain't 
either buyin’ or sellin’, they start woofing 
at you, "If you not in the market, get out 
of The Pi nd with that, he hit his 
horn, scattering the wretches in the street 
with the first eight notes of Colonel 
March, and sped away to an imag- 
ary sound track by Curtis Mayfield, 

I had to jump out of the w r 
that pulled up and take my chance in 
The Pit. All around me, money was 
changing hands. Men were milling 
around, rocking from foot to foot, with 
looks on their faces like the Clay Men in 
Flash Gordon with Buster Crabbe, when 
they first come out of the walls. It looked 
like a mass audition for an all-black 
production of Marat/Sade. If Dante had 
seen anything like this in the Inferno, he 
would have needed five Valiums. 

The buildings along The Pit were 
decrepit and abandoned, their windows 
closed with Lindsay gates and galvanized 


sheets. At the corner of 118th Street was 
the hulk of 


MALACH'S 


Cut-Rate DRUGS Perfumes 


Its windows were smashed away, the 
inside had been stripped, wrecked and 
burned, pissed in, crapped in and puked 
in, but Malach's was still a drugstore. In 
the shadowed interior, phantoms and 
ghouls were sitting on opposite sides of 
tables, haggling over each other's souls. It 
would be fair to say that the Palm 
of the Plaza Hotel with stroll 
playing The Fascination Waltz it wasn't 

One of the cutest aspects of our uni 
verse is the way appropriate names pop 
up, as if God amuses Himself by playing 
Charles Dickens—the way a poet just 
happens to be named Wordsworth or 
the way John Ehrlichman's last name 
means honest man. My favorite until 
recently was the lady who swam around 
Manhattan Island, Diana Nyad, because 
naiad happens to mean water nymph in 
Greek and Latin. But move over, Diana. 
Moloch is “(1) a deity, mentioned in the 
Bibl rked by 
the burning of children offered as a 
propitiatory sacrifice by their own par 
ents, J Kings 23:10; Jer , (2) Any 
thing conceived of as requiring appalling 
sacrifice: the Moloch of war." Swell name 
for a drugstore, n'est-ce pas? 

I have been in the casbah of Algiers, 
where the pric the unrefrigerated 
sheepheads drop each day until the flies 
and maggots gnaw them to gobs of stink- 
ing black mung. I have been in Antigua, 
Guatemala, where mothers will come 
up to you and implore you in the name of 
Christ to take their si Idren 
home with you. But there is no place in 
any city where I have been or hope 
to be where there is anything as utterly 
desolate, as totally depraved, as Malach's 
drugstore. Malach's drugstore is a malig- 
nant tumor, a sore that does not heal, 
that metastasizes throughout the tissues of 
the city. If New York had the will to 
live, it would raze Malach's drugstore to 
the ground, round up the legions of the 
undead that stalk The Pit and go one 
ES or the other—either shoot them at 
dawn on the Today show or e them 
free heroin. The fact that Malach's drug 
Store continues to exist as you read this 
is proof that New York City is as dead 
as a mashed roach 


whose worship was m 


. 
ent debacle of New York can 
be comprehended more clearly if the 
roots of the pol right's ani 
against the city are understood. Though 
rvatives are always glibly said to 
for the city, the press has never 
given a clear picture of why, beyond the 
obvious identification of New York with 
liberalism, Jews, blacks and other right- 
wing pet peeves. It’s interesting to note 
that anybody who can 


The cu 


us 


his shoelaces 


That nice fall nip in the air 
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When the frost is on the pumpkin and 
the leavesare onthe ground — thats thetime | 


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/s in the House. Dry Gilbey's 


Gin or Gilbeys Vodka. In one of the many v—¢ 


t Holland House Cocktail Mixes— 
uid or ler. (Have you tried our 
Bl odi ry orWallbanger?) Holland 
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too— put in Gilbey’s. 


WalBONGER 


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PLAYBOY 


xtreme left believes, Lus 
YR x 
thinks and I'll you g 
im American Opinion e. Far from | 
l4th-car ional Commu 
s lth titl me ol T 
pg t of i pu lcgi: 
Fast 60: The nni 
whose meml in a 1 
industrialists anc 1 by John D. Rockefeller, Jr. I 
try, as being the ru Rockefeller bei t 
capitalism. They believe that influential element in thi 
| e 
| P > 
PES 
Well, fe Ole Mich l 
getting t Reds 
Clic i ia Jp 
= puce siallincenit a delesation o | : It's got to be my cigarette. Salem 
; : Np loe Weegee nla ya gives me great taste. And enough fresh 
i menthol to keep things interesting. 
d we | z You'd enjoy smoking, too, if 
: t 
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E" S 


PLAYBOY 


202 


of a report titled The Crisis of Democ 
racy, which came out just as the city's 
fiscal crisis was hitting the home screen. 
"The gist of this remarkable document is 
that (A) citizens’ expectations of what 
government can do have risen too high 
d (B) democracy has 
gone too far, so that the inordinate ex 
pectations of competing groups threaten 
a governmental breakdown. The only 
way the Trilateral countries will be "gov 
ernable" in the immedia 


since the Sixties 


€ future is if 
both the level of expectations and the 
degree of participation in th 
process by groups demanding satisfaction 
of these expectations are quickly scaled 
down, Excessive schooling is blamed for 
increased. expecta 
report's major recommendat 
access to education be restricted. Lefties 


democratic 


ons, and one of the 


s is thar 


and righties can now join in a chorus of 
Ltold-you-sos as the International Ruling 


Class/ Capitalist Conspiracy c 


es out of 


the closet and sends out a bulletin to its 
members to stop paying the lip service to 
democracy that elites 
Athens to Jeffersonian Virginia con 
sidered politic and start putting the 


n Periclean 


screws on 
Just as the Trilateral report appeared, 
the banks suddenly refused to give the 
city credit, New York was threatened with 
default and the Municipal Assistance 
Corporation (MAC)—a junta of 
ciers and industrialists, chaired by an 
ent banker—was established to 
sell bonds on the city's behalf and there- 
by give them de facto power over the 
city's finances. The goal of. MAC's coup 
is the same as that of any other junta 
Overthrow the popularly elected 
ment and wait for Washington t 
throwing money at you. It was David 
Rockefeller who bank-rolled the Trilat 
eral Commission and David Rockefeller 
ed the creation of MAC 
MAC's policies have been in precise 
accord with the Trilateral recommenda 
tions. The stripping of New York's demo. 
cratically elected mayor of the 
power vested in him by the voters—c 
trol of the city's purse strings—speaks for 
itself, New York is now run by a board 
of directors indistinguishable from that 
of a multinational oil company. It is the 
only city in the world who 
lly in the hands of a private 
corporation, The city’s sales and stock 
transfer taxes now flow directly to MAC 
through a state trust fund—at no point 
the elected officers of the city get 
r hands on them. MAC's insistence 
that the city scale down its services dove 
tails with the Trilateral recommendation 
that citizens" 
ernment can do must be reduced. And 
MAC's emphasis on forcing the City 
University to charge tuition and cutting 
the budget of the city's miserable public 
schools puts into practice the Trilateral 


invest 


vern 


start 


who instig 


ernment 


is offic 


expectations of what gov 


mandate for downgrading education. 1 
managed to insinuate myself into a 


closed meeting of a top body of city 
government at which 
MAC board member, who described him 
self as belonging to the board's * 
reported. that the corporation's 
decisions—eg., the transit-fare 
hike—are made by MAC heavies with 
out a vote of the board. Apparently 
democracy even among the elite would 
be ui 
Where all this leads has been pointed 
ward by L. D. Solomon, publisher of 
New York Affairs, in a New York Times 
Op-Ed piece earlier this year 


an ashen-faced 


uter 


circle," 


cruci; 


vernable. 


Whether or not the promises of 
social and economic enticements of 
the Sixties can be rolled back to a 
lower order of magnitude without 
social upheaval is being tested in 
New York City 

New York was not selected by 
political design for this role but 
rather by circumstance. But had the 


selection been a conscious one, it 
could not have been more fitting 
For New York has been the nation's 
leading protagonist of social equality 
and upward mobility 

If New York is able to offer re 
duced social services without civil 
disorder, it will prove that it can be 
done in the most difficult environ 
ment in the nation 

For the moment, New York's 


emerging policies of less are not 


being 


widely discussed publicly. Nor 
are they being viewed by conserva 
tives and liberals alike as the begin 
ning of structural social change 
These policies are being adopted 


not for any long social view but 


under the umbrella of fiscal neces 
sity In the name of fiscal sur 
vival, the entire political power base 
of this city has been emasculated and 
constitutional privileges abridged 


The emergit 


policies of less 
challenge the idea of rising expec 
tations. 


Solomon's perception of MAC's at 
tempt to lower expectat 
in New York as a pilot project for the 
rest of the country is brilliant and om 
it is true that "New 
York's emerging policies of less” are not 


ns and services 


inous. But thoi 


being viewed as the beginning of social 
of struc 


l social change. These policies are 


they are the beginni 


cial view 


being adopted for a long 
that of the Trilateral report. Yes, they arc 


lopted "under the umbrella of fis- 
cal necessity.” But who created that fiscal 


necessity? The big banks who suddenly 


refused to roll over the city's tax-anticipa 
tion notes—whose chief spokesman is the 
ubiquitous David Rockefeller 

New York has bee 
the nation’s lead 


as Solomon notes, 


protagonist of social 
| mobility—the very 
trends that the Trilateral report's author 
Harvard profesor Samuel Hunti 


equality and upw 


sees as endangering the "governability of 
democracies.” Where better to set about 
attacking these trends? At the same time 
New York happens to be the home of the 
financial /industrial elite that is speaking 
to itself through that report—and there 
lore the most convenient and plausible 
place for it to begin lowering the boom. 
What's going on in New York is an at 
tempt on the part of the city's financial 
titans to test their post-Vietnam social 
ies on 8,000,000 human subjects. 
is theory becomes especially compell 


thee 
I 


ing when you consider this: They had to 


lower the boom somewhere 
Lower Manhattan, the financial capital 
of the world, amounts to a separate 
from midtown Manhattan. It is physi 
ly separated by miles of industrial a 


residential buildings. It is ethnically 
separated by the exclusion of the Irish 
Italians, eastern European Jews and, of 
course, blacks and Puerto Ricans fro 
decision-r 
industry. Most New Yorkers seldom ven 
ture into it. Even people who are born 
in the city and work all their lives in 
midtown almost never go there. dt 
doesn't even feel like New York—it could 
just as well be Philadelphia 


aking roles in the financial 


We should not, however, be surprised 
that Wall Street has taken over the 
government of the city. The financial 
district. was the original city of New 
York. It was the hub of commercial 
activity when Park Avenue and Madison 
Avenue were cow pasture. After the Civil 


War, as the city crept up the island, it 


became the neighborhood from which 


the Morgans and Goulds and Fisks di 
rected the construction of America’s rail 
roads and the cornering of its natural 
resources. New York visualized itself as 
colonizing the interior and called itself 
the Empire City. It is the only area of 
New York that still performs essentially 
the same economic function it did 100 


years 


» It is the embassy of the 19th 


Century in a city lurching toward the 
Mercifully, it left the city’s g 


alone until now. It was more interested 


vernment 


in tinkering with governments in Latin 
America and Asia and didn't want to 


soil its cuffs scrabbli 


g with micks, wops. 


yids, niggers and spicks over comfort 


stations in parks, But now it has no choice 


What the media have presented as a 


fiscal crisis of the city's ernment is, in 


fact, a capital crisis of the city's financial 
community. The city government bor 
rowed for ten years to cover its deficits 
ind made all its loan payments on time 
rent debacle 
is not that the city was delinquent on its 
loans but that the banks have no money 
to lend it 


What precipitated the cu 


The biggest problem facing capitalism 
today is not enough capital. That is. not 
enough money left over after the im 
mediate demands of society are met to 


pay for the replacement and expansion 


Discover your own pleasure. 


There comes a time when the 
things that used to please don't 
please you anymore. Your style 
becomes your own. You discover. 
your own particular pleasures. And 
mixing your club soda with white 
rum is one of them 

White rum has a gentle taste 
and smoothness that sets it apart 
from gin and vodka. Because all 
white rum from Puerto Rico spends 
a year or more aging in white oak 
casks, maturing to a velvety perfec- 
tion. That's the law 


Mix your club soda with white rum from Puerto Rico. 


Gin and vodka, on the other 
hand, are not given the benefit of 
aging—a fact to which people are 
fast waking up. 

White rum lends its distinctive 
smoothness to club soda, tonic, 
orange juice; vermouth—all your 
favorite mixers. 

It's natural to feel at home 
with the taste and smoothness of 
white rum. It's a pleasure that 
more and more drinkers 
are Calling their own. 

PUERTO RICAN RUMS 


290 Avenue of the Americas. NY. N.Y. 10019 
©1976 Commonweaith of Puerto Rico 


an Rums. Dept P-26 


PLAYBOY 


204 


“Your luck ran out, Erin.” 


of its physical plant, residential and in 
dustr 


al. The underlying reason for this 


capital shortfall is the creation of an 
unprecedentedly vast middle class. This 
ind more of the national 
the hands of people who 


want to use it to improve their current 


income in 


standard of living and have little left 
over to invest in replacement and ex 
pansion. At the same time, in order to 
build housing and industrial facilities to 


service this vast group, more and more 


capital is required 
Wall Street's g 


capital crisis w 


cat he 
the idea of opening the 
Asian mainland to Western industry 


for averting a 


à source of inexpensive raw materials and 


labor. Less capital would have to be 


extracted from the middle class if the 


ds they demanded could be manu 
factured from dirt-cheap raw materials 


by coolie labor. Our war with Japan was 


over who would get to rip off China and 
while the U.S. and 


Japan were at each other's throats, the 


Indochina. Bu 


Communists took over and shut out 


capitalism forever 
That left Indochina, The Viewam war 
as a project of the State Department 
he CIA and the Defense Department 


respectively the diplomatic, intelligence 


1 military arms of New York's invest 


ment banks and downtown law firms 
whose partners shuttle from roles in 
Wall Street to roles in those Washing 


agencies. It was undertaken on behalf of 
Wall Street's primary clientele, the multi 
national corporations headquartered. in 
the city. hs ultimate purpose was to 
head off the capital crisis in three ways— 
by turning Southeast Asia into a market 
for the multinationals’ products, with 
the resultant profits to be used for capital 
purposes: by creating an additional pool 
of cheap labor to delay the need for 
radical automation, with its enormous 
capital requirements: and by undercutting 
Japan. Taiwan and Korea as assembly 
points for clothing. cars and electronic 
equipment bound for the U.S.. so that 
Americ: 


1s would be able to bank savings 
that would then be available as capital 

It was New York that lost the Vietnam 
war. The fall of Indochina precipitated a 
capital crisis on Wall Street. First the 
market in new stock issues collapsed. Then 
the Arabs, emboldened by the spectacle of 
a U.S. rout, jacked up the oil price 
the amount of 
y the Western middle class had left 


over for saving and investment. Inflation 


mediately | reducing 


m 


simultaneously increased the cost of 


Is and decreased further the 


capital gi 
middle class's. capacity to contribute 
capital 

The New York banks found themselves 
in the position of a loan shark with ten 
customers who finds that his bank roll has 
been cut by ten percent. He has the 
choice of lending each of his customers 
ten percent. less than he needs or giving 
ninc everything they need and throwing 


the tenth to the wolves. The first way 
he's got ten people mad at him. The 
second way, he's got nine who love him 
and one being eaten. 

Wall Street decided to take the second 
course. One major customer had to bc 
cut loose. It had to be a governmental 


entity, beca 


ise the Street owes its pri 
mary allegiance to the business community 
New York was a likely fall guy. For one 


thing, it was the biggest borrower in the 
country, public or private. besides the 
Federal Government. To be sure, it had 


ilways paid the vigorish on time. But it 
had such a reputation for being a spend 
thrift that the nine other customers would 


figure that the shark had good cause to 


be nervous. What about the money the 
guy already owed? The shark decided to 


send of his boys in to run the guy's 


candy store and make sure the guy didn't 
put his hand into the till to pay for his 
own survival. That is, the Municipal As 


sistance Corporation was created by the 


banks and investment banks to stand at 


the city’s cash re 


ter and supervise the 
reduction of services. Wall Street, you see 
doesn’t need any municipal services. It's 
packed in the daytime and empty at night 
so there's no street crime. Garbage collec 
tion is done by private carters. Nobody 
lives there, so it doesn't care about 
schools, Its key personnel come from 
Harvard and Yale and Princeton, so it has 
no need for the City University. Its build 
ings are fireproof and there are no beds to 
smoke in. Its employees all have Blue 
Cross, so it doesn't need city hospitals. 

So the main domino that has fallen 
ilter Saigon is New York City. Wall Street 
couldn't take Hanoi, so it has taken New 


York. Its rationale for doing so is identical 
to its rationale for having become in 
volved in Vietnam. Felix Rohatyn, the 
investment banker who heads MAC, says 
h. The city's default, he told The 


Street Journal, would create a "social 


is mi 
Wa 
and cultural catastrophe. I've been telling 


people we'd probably have to bring the 
troops home from Germany to keep 
order.” We had to destroy the city in 


order to save it 


Roharyn is explicit on the reli 
between the capital crisis and New York's 
troubles, “Lockheed, Eastern Airlines and 
New York all have fundamentally the 
same problem of a large organization that 


whip 


has been used to livii an environment 


where capital is in surplus." he says. "But 
that’s coming to an end in Western de 
mocracies. You're going to find greater dis. 
locations in our systems because capital 
rt supply." 

New York's current. crisis, then, 
deeper than a tempor 


y fiscal crisis c 


its 
government, MAC's enforcement of the 
Trilateral demand for a lowering of 
expectations represents the initiation of 
the final term 


al process. The city's 
v has historically been 
of expecta 


moral raison d' 
the fulfillmer 
intensive municipal services in the arcas 


s—hby using 


of health and 


educat 


n to process the 


poor into the middle class. High expec 


tations are New 


resource. I 
lowering the 
ing Miami. 


York's basic natural 
wering them will be like 


amount of sunshine reach. 


My quest for a leve 


that goes. beyond even 


insig 


ton. Berle—th 
state and that 


is expressed to me rec 


at New 
Mayor 


short—has taken me t 
on earth that are m 
other, and 1 don't mean. L.A. and San 


Francisco 


One is Tikal. Tikal 
midst of the Petén wilderness of northern 


Guatem 


ir Vast, sten 


1 of urban truth 
the penetrating 
ntly by Mil 


York is in a sad 


Beame is a little 
o the two cities 
vost unlike each 


is located in the 


ing flatland over 


grown with mahogany and sapodilla. The 


sapodilla is th 


hacked their way into 
of hills in the midst of the jungle, These 


hills were exc 
ered that they 
I 


avated and it w 


were ne 


m which chewing 


m comes, and the chicle gatherers who 


the Petén spoke 


as discov 


temple pyramids on which soil had 


collected and trees had grown, Inscrip 


tions were fo 


und iden 


tilying the pyra 


mids as the temples of Tikal, the fabled 
Lost City of the Maya 


Pennsylvania 
small portion 
years was the 
culture. They 
the height ol 


was suddenly 


irchacole 
of Tikal 
foremost 
say that 
Mayan c 


ndone 


There is no evidence 


pestilence, far 


split. No one 
1 climbed uh 
Jaguar, which 
structure in 


until the cor 


ns. University of 
gisis restored a 
which for 1000 
center of Mayan 


1100 years ago, at 
ivilization, Tikal 
d by its residents 
of flood, plague 


thquake or war 


white flight, All the May 
ins just picked up their marbles and 


has the s 


lightest idea why 


e Temple of the Giant 


at 254 fe 
the Wes 


et was the tallest 
tern Hemisphere 
of New York's 


Flatiron Building in 1902. 1 looked out 


over what was 


once Tik 


al and aside from 


the restored temples at the center, there 


was nothing 


mahogany anc 


but the 
1 sapodill 


green canopy of 


a extending to a 


circular horizon that rippled in the heat. 

Fhe other city is Jerusalem. It is locat 
ed in the midst of the 
Israel, Jerusalem was 


Judacan desert of 
founded by the 


Jebusites 4000 years ago. It has been con 


quered by the Israelites, the Egyp 


the Philistines, 
s, the Baby 


the Ara 
lonians. t 


as, 
bians, the Assyri 
he Seleucids, the 


Romans, the Saracens, the Crusaders, the 


Mamelukes, il 


ans and the 


1e Oom; 
Israelis. F 


ans, the Jorda 
ive times it has 


been razed to the ground and its popula 


tion scattered. 


e tin 


built and. repopulated 


there to 
who lived the 
heart of the 


ay a 


Wall, which is a portion of the ret 


wall of the 


lescenda 


re 3400 years 


Old City 


Temple 


es it has been rc 
Many who live 
amts of the people 
At the 
is the Western 
ing 
Mount built by 


Herod the Great 1996 years ago. Just to 


the left of the 


wall is 


gallery in which 


PLAYBOY 


206 


there is a hole four feet in diameter, dug 
by an archaeologist who was looking for 
the base of Herod's wall but was not able 
to reach it. I looked into this electrically 
lit well. The neatly dressed stones of 
Herod's wall were visible all the way to 
the bottom of the hole, some 45 feet. The 
hole had been dug through what looked 
like solid rock. In other words, the floor 
upon which I stood was at least 45 feet 
higher than the street level of 2000 years 
And somehow, seven and one half 
stories of solid rock had accumulated 
above the ancient street—obviously, the 
rubble of buildings built and de 
stroyed, built and destroyed, built and 
destroyed, built and destroyed, built and 
destroyed. And at the time that Herod 
built his wall, the city was already 2000 
years old. Directly opposite the wall is 
the new Jewish Quarter, which is being 
built on the rubble of the old Jewish 
Quarter, which was destroyed by the 
Jordanians after they conquered the city 
in 1948, The process of destruction and 
rebuilding continues. 

So there are two polar types of cities, 
There are those whose residents walk 
away from them while their buildings 
still stand and there are those that are 
rebuilt again and again—and again and 
again and again—on the same spot by the 
spiritual descendants of the same people 

Which type of city do you think New 
York is? Do you think that archaeolo 
gists 1100 years from now will be cl 
ing ailanthus trees away from the walls 
of the Waldorf-Astoria and speculating 
as to why its occupancy rate suddenly 
dropped to zero? Or do you think that 
1996 years from now, the level of Times 
Square will have risen seven and a half 
stories and that you will E look 
down through 45 feet of solid rock and 
sce the top of a sign that says A NEW 
COMEDY NY NEIL SIMON? 

It is clear to anyone who isn't either 
uding himself or 
that the day of New York, the Empire 


aj 


able 


selling something 


/ | 


City, the Big Apple, is over. The fiscal 
crisis is the least of it—it is as if the pa- 
tient in the hospital dying of cancer 
runs out of money. The Federal Govern- 
ment may pay his bill, but it can't cure 
his disease, New York's residents are, in- 
deed, walking away from it. To counter 
that they are walking away from Cleve- 
land and Detroit, too, that the 
problems are not peculiar to New York 
but typical of America’s cities, is to argue 
that the guy in the hospital isn't really 
dying, comparatively speaki 
the symptoms of the moribund men in 
the adjoining room are just as bad. 

But New York is only 361 years old— 
I say only because from the standpoint 
of a Mexican, an Italian, a Greek, an 
Egyptian, an Israeli, an Iranian, an 
Indian, a Chinese or an urban historian, 
361 years in the life of a city is an in- 
finitesimally brief sni 
hand, this makes New York such a recent 
phenomenon that to assume that it will 
continue to exist indefinitely is the height 
of presumption, On the other hand, the 
city is so young that what now seem to be 
terminal processes may merely be child 
hood diseases that it will outgrow and 
that will supply it with antibodies that 
will make it immune to recurrences. New 
York was originally founded as the"port 
of the Dutch beaver trade. If the city was 
able to survive the falling out of fashion 
of beaver hats, it is conceivable that it 
could survive the falling out of fashion 
of imperialism. 

"This happens in history,” 
Mumford told me. "Cities die 


city's 


because 


ppet. On the one 


Lewis 
But some 
times they've got enough residual tough 
ness to hang on until 


new generation 


rises to breathe life into them again.” 
November 2976 


So tune in to the 


PLAYBOY and find out the answer to the 


è life after 
New 


journalistic question, "Is the 
urban death?" In the 
York is dead! Loi 


meantime 
New York! 


1 Wal 


| 


“Now, isn't that a coincidence? I'm a Taurus also!” 


TEXAS BRAIN FRY 


(continued from page 108) 
average cannon and that he was tossing 
off double vodkas like Prohibition might 
be coming back on the next train. Gino 
explained that he needed the cannon to 
guard gate receipts and occasionally to ne 
gotiate with the When 
he learned that I'd once lived in Odessa, 
he offered a brilliant smile and the obser 
vation, “Oh, yeah, I stabbed a cat from 
Odessa one time.” This put me at ease 


unreasonable. 


being very much better news than that 
he had stabbed the eat five or six times. 
Gino wished me a good show and I 
backed away, bowing and scraping, as if 
departing the odor of royalty 

We left our fifth or sixth Austin club 
in time to see two strangers break 


other stranger's leg with what appeared 
“I never seen the shit 
asses before," he gasped. (This was trans 
lated in the newspapers as "The attack 
was unprovoked.") I asked Eddie Wilson 
at Armadillo World Headqu 
plain such recurring outbr 
lence. "Oh," he said airily, “it's all a 
matter of manners. We're arbiters of 
manners down here." Beg pardon? "Aw, 
me ole boy will call another 
cocksucking mother 
fucker and the second. fellow will think 
that’s ill-mannered and break the other 
fellow's jaw." 

The night before his big concert, 
Willie tossed a Giantlike bash for him. 
self and friends at Austin's new Hilton 
Inn, which, in a classic case of bad tim 
ing. had opened its doors only a few days 
carlier: something is inherently sad about 
seeing brand-new doors splintered and 


to be iron bars. 


rters to ex- 
aks of vio. 


you know, 


one a chickenshit 


carpets burned bald fresh out of their 
wrappers. Willie | t to hold it 
down to a roaring 500 intimates, but 
tickets got forged and security broke 
down. I doubt whether over 2200 persons 


d mea 


crowded in; the fire marshal came with 


a summons but couldn't get within two 
blocks. The little sausages with the tooth 
picks in them, the chili con queso and the 
lasted but about 18 


sweat and 


booze minutes, 


though there was smoke 
enough for multitudes, Willie came out 
with his band and bravely shouted 
Whiskey River, Red Headed Stranger 
and for a cab. A select 


paired to the Governor's S 


100 or so re 


—though 
Willie was too smart to be among them— 
sedately 


and conducted themselves so 


until past dawn that chambermaids ulti 


mately wept among the breakage. By 
midnight, though the concert wouldn't 


begin until nc 


n, there were reports of 
ing near Liberty Hill 
e pasture containing a stretch of the 
Gabriel River and two lakes. 
. 

Though the concert lasted 18 hours, I 
am aitically disadvantaged in that 1 
heard absolutely no music. This is partly 


because my day contained certain gaps 
and partly because The Press and rough- 
ly 3000 pretenders claiming to be The 
Press were confined two or three fenced 
compounds away from the stage—and 
d it—in what I came to think of as 
Andersonville Prison. Like its Civil War 
namesake, this new Andersonville ex 
posed its residents to sunstroke, rain, 
dust, thirst, hunger, ticks, chiggers and 
brutal keepers. But. then, I am getting 
ahead of my story 

Willie and Dr. Milner, his public rela 
tions genius, had provided The Press 
with individualized Tshirts bearing our 
powerful names and literary connections. 


These w 


ikd permit us to roam at will 
even breaking into song with Kris "n* 
Rita or Willie himself if being onstage 
with them tempted our good ju 
and generally were advertised as guaran 


teeing everything but romance with the 
Willie don’t want a lot 
of confusion backstage,” Dr. Milner told 
The Press. “Accredited press people only 
will be admitted. Y 
stars at your leisure 
You in trouble, Kris! 

Dr. Milner depicted an oasis of trailer 
houses full of frigid 
warm-blooded 
food, cold liquors and maybe palm trees 
When we ladies and gentlemen of The 
Press had gorged our 


Pointer Sisters. 


a may visit with the 
Rita! Hot damn? 


air-conditioned 


breezes, hostesses, hot 


souls on angel's 


The last 100 yards included fording a 
swift stream. It would be the last water I 
would see until it rained, 

We swaggered to the special gate re 
served for The Press, confident in our 
individualized T-shirts and flashing our 
blue passes. These so impressed security 
guards that they turned their backs, We 
then had the good luck to be joined by 
Gino, who proclaimed his importance as 
official promoter and vouched for us as 
Mine was blue. Blue press passes were his good friends of The Press. One of 
represented as passports to everything the security guards grinned, grabbed 
bur heaven and Albania. These would Gino's head, trapped it in a wire fence 
eventually entitle the bearers, if otherwise and began to beat on it. Gino did not 
qualified, to drive on public roads. appear unduly surprised but 

We inched toward Liberty Hill at reached into his belt and got us admitted 
speeds more indigenous to the tortoise at gunpoint. We had broken into Ander 
than the hare, Signs only 12 miles from sonville Prison, It was heavily over 
the concert site promised parking at two populated. Security gates 
dollars mere two miles away — leading to the next compound, nearer thc 
proclaimed the same service for eight stage by 300 yards, had guns of their own 
dollars. Iked along burdened and didn't seem to fear Gin 
by beer coolers, tents, watermelons, cry- away and came back with a stamp ma 
ing kids, folding chairs, picnic hampers chine, which he applied to our blue press 
and their hindsight judgments: walking passes, causing PAYMENT 
cases of sunburn, drunkenness and shell arrrovev. He said this would permit us 
shock were noted. Cars overheated and to go anyplace we wanted, He was full 
were abandoned where they exploded of shit 
grim rustics, sure enough, guarded their Bud Shrake and 1 decided to break 
private roads with barricades of pickup out of Andersonville pe gave us 
trucks, scowls and shotguns. My car re- a view of a broiling mass 70,000 strong. 
quired less than three hours to conquer It was scary. Writhing human forms as 
Tents and 


music or celebrity contacts, we would be 
free to repair to this perfect oasis where 
everything would be provided except 
house slippers: Just don't forget to wear 
your individualized Willie Nelson T- 
shirts. Ten minutes later, Dr. Milner 
came back to say that, well, er, ah, our 
T-shirts might not mean all that much, 
since they'd apparently been copied and 
were going for five dollars each all over 
Texas. We lined up for press passes. 


coolly 


z 


guards at 


signs 


s, Gino ran 


People w 


them tọ say 


ur esc 


j0 miles, a statistic causing much envy. far as the eye could sce 


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banners and bonfires and scorched earth 
and burr bage and litter. Fel 
lini's version of hell. There were shanties 
reminiscent of Hoovervilles 
people hawked blue jeans, souvenir pro: 


asses. 
where 


grams and fireworks. People noting our 
official Willie Nelson 
plained because beer wasn’t available 
their hair hurt, the temperature was 106 
degrees Fahrenheit and no big-name acts 
I 
rip our official T-shirts off and stuff ‘em 
Shrake whispered. We 
rapidly headed toward the relative safety 
of Andersonville Prison, smiling and 
waving like Nixon-Agnew going up to 
claim the nomination, making loud prom: 
ises of all the shameful conditions we 


T-shirts com- 


ad appeared yet. "They are going to 


up our asses," 


intended 1o improve. Now, however 
Andersonville Prison was guarded by a 
300-pound Samoan whose stick was big 
Teddy Roosevelt, He 
whopped my shoulders and neck with it 
awhile. Shrake squatted in the shade of 
the big fellow's considerable 
watching him work and 
chuckling. 

We found a friendlier gate. It was in 
the charge of Paul English, a member of 
Willie’s band wh 
cgo. English is a double for Satan, except 
for being too skinny; Willie has written 


enough to please 


shadow 
frequently 


is also the boss's alter 


such songs al him as Devil in a 
Sleepin' Bag. Paul waved us in while 
accusing a security guard of pocketing 
gate proceeds. The fellow denied it 
When a bystander shouted that the guard 
had, indeed, pocketed his $7.50, Paul 
threw the ground and 
ripped out his pockets. What looked like 
$300 fell out. Paul kicked him in the 
jaw with a cowboy boot, prompting the 


guard to the 


ard to resign on the 


unds 
by association, While Paul was recover 
i 


lovers decided to crash the gate. English 


the money, several dozen music 


bidness" of about cali 


id had the 


produced a 
ber, with a long barrel, 
scientific satisfaction of seeing a moving 
mass immediately reverse its direction 

We found the oasis of trailer houses 
Dr. Milner had reserved for The Press. 
They were stoutly locked from the inside 
and under siege from about 3000 howling 
Andersonville inmates, By now, we spat 
cotton and knew enough to whine and 
L 


admitted us. Probably, she only wanted 


A tall blonde hostess named Cookie 


to share her misery: Somebody had for 
gotten to connect. the air conditioning 
and to order food and drink. Cookie 
offered a choice of pretzels or salt tab. 
lets, though she couldn't provide water 
in either case. We gasped and made 
sweat and occasionally fainted. I do not 
recall any palm trees. 

A friendly musician produced white 
powders from twin vials, One assumed 


them to be varied grades of cocaine. One 


should not have. One should have pre 
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little help 
from a 
friend 


or, more accurately, a bastard variety of 
he latter used to tranquilize hogs. One 


vegan to feel peculiar. One remem- 


s trying to turn over somebody's 


camper, somehow shorting an electrical 
in the dirt and. oinking 
and being begged to sit in the shade 


circuit, rooting 


The Press was shrieking and whining 
» Gino of betrayals and brutality. Gino 
ned against a tree he thought he was 
Pr 


dazed smile 


1g up. focused on Europe with a 
Wheah!" about 
every eight seconds. Had 1 been a cop, 


and said 


I'd have arrested him on the evidence of 
le of 


red glazed tile and probably could have 


d to be m. 


his eyes; they app 


fooled a ceramics expert. Gino did his 
best to talk. We leaned in and cupped 


our cars taking a deathbed con 
red to be talking in 
Shrake translated ap. 
Fuck it, 1 paid 


the goddamn politicians $20,000 to en 


proximately as follows 


sure security and all they done was pro: 
vide a bunch of killer bikers ripping off 
gate receipts and stomping the customers. 
You spoiled and pampered press shitasses 


might d. 


lo well to avoid the mean bastards. 
away, I'm busy holding up this trec 


nebody shouted, “Goddamn it, you 


mised commodious accommodations 


p 
and we're paying two dollars a warm can 
Gino mumbled that 


xly 


for bootleg beer 


he'd take a six-pack hisself if some! 
would fetch it 

There was elected a Committee of 
Unrest and Indignation. Its purpose was 
to locate Willie Nelson, Better it had 
Willie 
and the other big stars had locked them 


gone looking for Judge Crater 


selves in their private trailers and would 


not give out their addresses among the 


acres of cars, campers trucks. Some 
body said he'd scen Willie come out and 
sniff what appeared to be baking soda 
but that he'd disappeared in a cow 


ponys lope when a 


aff his clothes. 
t 
volunteered. Willie is always grinning. 
When you talk to him, he looks at you 


roupies be 


group 
Willie was 


an rippir 
grinning,” the inform 


and d grins and nods and 


ins 
appears to be the world's best listener, 
until you realize he is not listen 

We found Dr. Milner, wear 
beard and pretending not to be himself 
Unmasked, he cleverly touted us to his 


press-trailer oasis, where—he claimed. 
ived. We 
broke in by main force amid much 


refreshments had newly 


shouting and grappling. The lucky got 
1 


leavings of potato chips. It was exactly 


one can of beer, two bell tomatoes 


144 degrees in there. All the hostesses 


were crying and trying to garrote people 
with their orriciat Hostess banners. No 
more than 150 people milled, cursed and 
shoved in a space God had made for 20 
I spotted a tray of delicate steak sand 
wiches, dug in my heels, used my huge 


body as a shield and wolfed them down 


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PLAYBOY 


Jow, right here we see 


a sluggish inventory, an unfavorable tax 
ruling and a change-over in accounting procedures coming 
together to produce an effect we call ‘The 
Shit Hitting the Fan? " 


quickly enough to qualify for the Guin- 
ness Book of World Records. A frail 
fellow in fruit boots began to beat my 
broad back with his tiny little fists and 
screamed, “You son of a bitch, you just 
ate the Pointer Sisters’ supper!” I said 
there hadn't been enough to sponsor a 
od burp. anyway, and why didn't he 
just send ‘em some watermelon? "Oh, 
you reprehensible racist oot" he 
screeched, They led him off burbling 
about steak sandwiches’ being required 
in the Pointer Sisters’ contract. 

We were herded back to the stifling 
ir of Andersonville Prison, where- 
upon it began to rain like a cow pissing 
on a flat rock. The baked and blistered 
thousands cheered. There was a sharp 
retort—unmistakably, gunfire—and the 
cheers increased, "My Shrake 
said. "Somebody just got shot and people 
are celebrating.” Crouching in the rain 
and gooly with hog chemicals, 1 fervently 
hoped it had been Willie Nelson and that 
he'd been blown away as effectively as 
Ray Price's mean rooster, Unfortunately, 
it had only been Paul English firing into 
the tent roof above the stage to rid it of 
dangerous accumulations 


open 


God 


The Pointer Sisters’ road manager 
appeared to announce that his charges 
refused to go on stage. Wouldn't sing 


without their supper, huh? But it proved 
10 be merely à matter of pure terror: 
"Lissen, you blame ‘em? I mean, thou- 
sands of crazed honkies out there and 
them the only blacks? And people shoot- 


ing guns and shit! 
Scott Hale of the Willie Nelson group 
led the manager on stage to convince 
him of security. "See how nice it i 
Scott beamed. "Everything's fine. 
The manager said, "Yeah? Then how 


219 come your leg is on fire? 


Scott looked down to see that a bottle 
rocket had come out of the crowd and 
lodged in his right boot, which was send- 
ing up enough smoke and flames to lift 
off a moon shot. He immediately began 
to stomp and thresh across the stage 
making owlhoot noises. Many cheered, 
thinking he was dancing a cowboy polka. 
The Pointer Sisters agreed to come out 
only if a flying wedge of 100 reasonably 
unzonked honkies would lead them on 
stage and off. The security guard leading 
the flying wedge was so loaded on Scotch 
and Quialudes that he fell backward at 
the top of the steps, causing a domino 
reaction. The much-buffeted Pointer Sis- 
ters squealed and grabbed their wigs and 
probably wished for Detroit City. 

Along about midnight, sufficiently 
baked and wet, I decided I'd had enough 
entertainment, even though I'd 
heard any music, seen. Willie Nelson or 
had a chance to strike on Rita Cooli 
It took only two hours to b 
the sea of mud, past grungy bikers piss- 
ing in open fields and assorted wounded 
groaning from the bushes in passion or 
despair. to find that my car was missing. 
The fellow ve me a lift toward 
civilization kindly consented to sell his 
bottle of Scotch for $27; by the time he 
dropped me at my hotel, it required 
nly two bellmen and a ba cart to 
get me to my room. 


not 


who 


E 

Gino McCoslin managed to make it 
sound as if the Willie Nelson concert 
had been an artistic triumph and a 
financial disaster. How was that possible, 
with huge multitudes paying what theo- 
retically had to approach a half million 
dollars? Gino seemed to say that while 
maybe 100,000 people had heard the 
wonderful music, pitifully few had paid 


for the privilege. He spoke of gate-crash- 
ers, counterfeit tickets, 8000 or 12.000 
tickets allegedly stolen, receipts pocketed 
by security men, expenses. Tell me about 
the expenses, I said. Gino mumbled 
huge sums rapidly, sticking to general 
ities and claiming he was not authorized 
to open the books for inspection. How 
much had he spent on press arrange- 
ments? Gino said it was $15,000 or 
.000 or maybe $50,000: He remem 
bered it had five in it, I said if 
he spent over $12.98, other than for the 
goat fencing surrounding Andersonville 
Prison, then he'd been ripped off. 
expressed absolute astonishment in say- 
ing mine was the first complaint he'd 
received. “Ole Willie's generous,” he 
said, "Willie spent so much making sure 
his friends and fans would be comfort- 
able that he probably lost 
was suggested that Gino 
hearsing his speech to the IRS folks. 
zi t, now," he said. "It'll take days 
to tote it up, but I'd bet my ass we didn't 
no more than break even." 

I recalled Willie's comment 
second Independence Day picnic, where 
he also allegedly only broke even, when 
asked if he would hold another: “Hell, 
I'd hate to throw 4000 thi 


Gino 


s ass" It 
ht be re. 


after his 


I guess so. ves 
out of work. 


Gino was painting Willie Nelson as 


a goodhearted  raggedyass who might 
have to sell his horses or find his wife a 
parttime job, when two pistol.packing 
cowboys came in. They grunted under 
the burden of several sacks, which they 
dumped onto a table. One said, "This 
here's the $40,000 from advance ticket 
sales in San Antonio.” Gino had the grace 
to wince. 

I wanted to see Willie, 
miserate with him in his poverty 
maybe to kick his ass for sponsoring such 
a confused show. “Willie?” C id, 
surprised. "Shit, Willie ain't here 
Willie and his old lady went straight to 
the airport for two weeks in Hawaii," 


I said, to com- 
and 


no sa 


Later, at my friend Dub's house, we 
drank beer and smoked dope with 
various youthfuls while listening to 
Willie Nelson sing to us of redheaded 


ers wild in their sorrow, of how 
cold it is sleeping out on the 
life’s rough and rocky traveling. People 
muttered, “Great, man,” Jutasight" 
Pick up on this, baby," as the joints 
were passed around the worshipful circle. 
I'd been a Willie Nelson fan for years, 
back when there had been so few of us 
we took pride in being a cult, 
mournful, melancholy music never had 
led to reach me. But now all 1 could 
think of was Willie picking up the 
phone in the Waikiki Hilton to call 
room service, he and God grinning to- 
y of his poor-boy songs 


und, of 


and 


and his 


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[emm 


MISTY 


(continued from page 106) 
star. Her original line at the fade-out, 
quoth Misty, was: "That's the last time 
T'I ever have to get down on my knees to 
anyone." She reportedly burst int 
when she discovered that they had 
dubbed in, as a substitute: "That's the last 
cock Fl] ever have to suck." Such fine 
distinctions mean a lot to a girl who 
cheerfully accepts compromises that may 
further her career but doesn't intend to 
become another Hollywood tragedy. “I 
won't be a duplicate anything. If they 
wanted Marilyn Monroe, they wouldn't 
have killed off the first one. 

Be that as it may, the first time we saw 
Misty in action was during the 1975 
Cannes Film Festival. Paparazzi were all 
over the Carlton Hotel beach, popping 
llashbulbs at a comely, topless French 
starlet—until Misty appeared out of no 
where, all wet lips and cleavage. Wearing 
a long pink beach dress with sides slit 
almost to the waist, she undulated quietly 
along the boardwalk, as if totally unaware 
that the wind might reveal she had noth 
ing on underneath, There's no mistaking 


tears 


the performance of a pro, Five minutes 


later, she was the golden girl of Cannes. 


Less than 24 hours later, Misty was 
rediscovered at a table in the lounge of 
the Cannes Casino. This time she had on 
a white wraparound evening dress that 
left a lor of Misty unwrapped 
ungish millionaire film distrib- 


ned David Blake could not take 


Across the 


utor na 
his eyes off her, which seemed sensible of 


him. “It's kind of boring here, isn't it? 
Misty observed, “Are these the Beautiful 
People we've much 
(Blake and Misty have been a steady duo 
for more than a y now.) She also said 
that it embarrassed her to go parading 
around town as Marilyn Monroe 
though the bit se to work for her 
sometimes too well. She was referring 

the film promoter who'd brought her 
there to plug Norma Jean and initially 
had her bags delivered to his hotel room. 

. 

California. Misty's house, a yellow clap- 
board cott is chock-full of antiques 
wooden beams and paneling, an ornately 
carved Victorian sofa, bookshelves 
with Shakespeare and actors’ manuals, 
old Coke advertising sign, a picture of 
Lillian Russell on a bicycle and a Mari- 
lyn Monroe calendar hanging inside the 
kitchen-cuphoard door. In the large bed 
room, there's a huge brass bed. In the 
small back bedroom, there's an unem- 
ployed actor who takes care of the house 
and a pair of parrots when Misty is away 


heard so rout? 


even 


n 


He's just a friend. David doesn’t mind 

Misty is wearing a see-through chiffon 
blouse, carefully carelessly unbuttoned. 
Even in such provocative attire, she looks 
so innocent that you'd fight off ravaging 
hordes to save her honor. 


Since that first mesting in Cannes, 
Misty had gone back to TV's Hee Haw, 
her bread-and-butter job (“They're won 
derful people . .. we do a whole season 
of shows during a couple of wecks in 
Nashville each spring and fall"), and had 
performed as Maid Marian for Mel 
Brooks in When Things Were Rotten, a 
V3 week television series that came and 
went and was judged unrenewable 

The parallels between MM and Misty 
however coincidental, are often striking 
When she was still a high school drama 
major in Glendora, Misty won all the 
acting prizes and then went on to win 20 
beauty contests. Miss Mini Skirt 1971, 
Miss Wahini Bikini and Miss Radiant 
Radish are only a few of the titles she 
held. She was paid S15, she recalls, for 
being Miss Oldies but Goodies m a m 
convention, and she impishly touches her 
bust and bottom to illustrate, "It said 
otpis here and Goonies there,” Like 
Hollywood 
in because the 


Monroe, she moved into the 


Studio Club, moved out 
11 Pat 
ship and found herself free to attend 
Hollywood where girls meet 
"dirty old men with Rolls-Royces." 

She also learned. that she’s considered 
“a very gifted, beautiful and promising 
actress” by no less an authority than 
Stella Adler, the grand duchess of drama 
coaches as well as confidante 10. Marlon 
Brando and a galaxy of Hollywood stars 
(Miss Adler's colleague Lee Strasberg was 
MMs theatrical mentor). "Misty is one of 
the great talents I've met, an actress of 
enormous depth whose dramatic range, 
I'd like to stress, is simply fantastic. I 
hope she will have the huge success she 
deserves." says Adler, who feels her win 
some protégée is undervalued simply be 
cause she's blonde and utterly feminine. 

Small wonder she bridles when anyone 
equates blonde and feminine with con 
genital idiocy, “Blonde is not dumb,” says 
Misty, “and I'm nor dumb I'm just 
quiet" Matter of fact, she shows symp 
toms of the galloping smarts when it comes 
to real estate, for she suddenly lets drop 
that she’s about to sell her quaint yellow 
cottage ar a whopping clear profit of 
$50,000 in order to buy a Spanish-style 
minimansion in Beverly Hills for 
$120,000. “Hee Haw paid for this house 
w from Norma Jean will 


about money 


curlew seemed a needless hard 


parties 


at I've made 
t me the new house. I don't care so much 
you know, I 


it’s just 
don’t want to end up like Veronica Lake.” 

Among the iffy projects that may work 
out for Misty are a leading role opposite 
Burt Reynolds, also a vintage-Hollywood 
comedy titled Hughes and Harlow, Guess 
which part they'd want Misty t0. play? 
this levelheaded 


Like it or not nem 


pe 
are 3624-36, could sing! 
back 24-carat platinum blondes. 


ary Lorelei, whose pinup dimensions 
handedly bring 


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C an you imagine The New Webster Inter- 


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see ee ee eÀ n 


! 213 


PLAYBOY 


214 


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it's an ell heece lounging 
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after shower body wrap 
or a bedtime affair she li 
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Old-time 
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and 10 is the antique tin card ease, Each card 
By V B leper 


those used on riverboats in the 1890's. There 
a bla 


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gold "distillery design." The face cards are re 
produced tom 10-year-old. 9 
teal unusual set for the serious player 
Twin deck in antique case $7.50, Postage included. 


Send check, money ord 


M 


REVOLUTION GOING ON 


(continued from page 140) 
as an LP (though there are versions so 
thin they could be bound into books or 
magazines) and they also revolve in a 
player—at a rate of 1800 rpm. 

The discs have an indefinite life, be- 
cause no stylus ever physically touches 
them. They're read by a low-wattage 
laser whose light beam is either reflected 
or scattered (hence, no reflection) by a 
series of microscopic bumps on an alu 
minized playing surface. This surface is 
coated with transparent plastic in the 
disc's manufacture so the disc is almost 
impervious to handling—fingerprints and 
surface dust are also out of the focal 
plane of the laser beam, so they cause no 
ation in either image or sound. 
we have, in short, is a disc 
that will last forever and whose handling 
is not critical. But the surprises don't 
stop there. Since the disc is never phy- 
sically touched by a stylus, it suddenly 
acquires many of the capabilities of tape. 
You can have the equivalent of fast for 
ward or rewind (granted, you mechani- 
cally accomplish the same thing when 
you cue the tonearm in an audio record 
player), but you also have slow motion, 
instant. replay, frame-by-frame readout 
or freeze-frame—hold one frame of film 
on the screen for as long as you wish 
(Every revolution of the disc 
tutes one frame of pictures; in the freeze 
frame mode, the beam continues to read 
the same frame in that revolution.) 

Ac 1800 rpm and 30 minutes to the 
side, with each revolution the equivalent 
of a single frame, the Disco-Vision video 
disc can project a total of 54,000 separate 
frames. Furthermore, since in the freeze- 
frame mode each frame is numbered in 
the upper lefthand corner of the screen, 
you can visually search for any specific 
frame. There are plans for a remote unit 
whereby you can dial any desired frame 
and have it flashed onto the screen 

In other words, you could, if you 
wished, put the entire Encyclopaedia 
Britannica on a 12-inch disc and read 
the pages on your television screen, prob 


consti 


ably using remote dialing to index the 
pages you wanted. 

The applications are 
highlights of past Olympics, interviews 
with celebrities such as Muhammad Ali 
or David 
(have Emerson Fittipaldi show you how 
to fix your Porsche), art lectures where 


almost endless— 


Bowie, instruction manuals 


you can catch the greats at work, or even 
the Sears catalog, all in living color. 

Both SelectaVision and the Philips 
MCA system 
Those industry spokesmen in 


e now coming down to 


the wire 
RGA’s corner claim that the RCA unit 
is easier to manufacture, less space age 
in its technology and, hence, more amen- 
able to production-line techniques and 
less expensive to make and market. John 
president of MCA Disco 


Findlater, 


Vision, denies this, claiming that inex- 
pensive, low-powered lasers (the heart of 
the space-age unit) are in wide use 
throughout the country, including super- 
market check-out counters. He argues 
that complex optical systems are used 
routinely in mass-produced cameras and 
that. the rest of the Philips/MCA player 
is made from components just as much 
off the shelf as RCA's unit. He claims 
they can hold the price to a reasonable 
level and suggests that the unit's random 
access—the ability to freeze any frame of 
your choice for as long as you wish- 

along with the other features, will be well 
worth any possible price differential. 

In brief, Philips MCA claims it can 
make just as cheap and just as reliable 
a unit as RCA can—and one that is enor- 
mously more flexible. 

Who will win the video-disc war? Only 
time will tell, though some in the in- 
dustry predict that each unit will find 
its specific usage, much as did LP and 
{5-rpm records. Unanswered are two 
questions that nag both Philips/MCA 
and RCA: The assumption is that the 
most popular discs will be of movies. The 
latest and the best. PG, R, X—and 
pure porn. 

But will people really pay $10 to $20 
for their own three- or four-record set 
of, say, Jaws or The Sting? The vidco 
dise people are betting that a lot of 
people will. Why go out to a noisy 
theater with an hour waiting line when, 
for about the same amount of money— 
if you include the parking fee—you and 
your date can see the same movie while 


curled up on the couch? 

Which leaves the final question, to 
which nobody has an answer. LPs are 
made for repeat listening; you can listen 
to music while cooking, r , talking 
and entertaining. But who wants to see 
the same movie more than once? 

Nobody knows for sure, though per 
haps the success of old films on TV (and 
at the theater) andethe fanatic loyalty of 
Sergeant Bilko, / Love Lucy and Star 
Trek fans hint at the answer 

One thing for sure; if video discs arc 
accepted in the market place, the field of 
video fidelity will blosom overnight 
There will be sightand-sound salons, 
magazines devoted to bringing you the 
latest. product information and small, 
technologically minded companies that 
will develop their own, superior versions 
of optical readout systems, no doubt using 


advanced lasers and ultrafine scanning 
Will we one d 
talgia—when the s 


remember—with nos. 


te of the art consisted 
of an Advent VideoBeam set (see The 
Big Picture, PLAYBOY, November 1974), 
JVC. Sony and Panasonic video-cassette 
recorders, RCA's SelectaVision and 
Philips; MCA's Videodisc unit? The in- 
dustry can't wait, 

Neither can we 


TRACKS 


6 7 8 


Its father was a turntable. 
Its mother was a computer. 


Introducing Accutrac. 


The only turntable in the world 
thatlets you tell an LP which selections 
you want to hear, the order you want to hear 
them in, even how many times you want to 
hear each one. 

Sounds like something out of the 21st 
century, doesn't it? Well, as a result of some 
amazingadvancesinelectro-optics, computer 

programming and direct drive engi- 

neering, Accutrac gives you the 
Ld ^. * p experience today. 
L5 Just imagine you want to 
f^ hear cuts 5, 9 and 7 onan LP. In 
that order. Maybe you even want to 
hear cut 9 twice, because it's an old 
favorite. Simply press buttons 5, 9, 9 
again, then 7. Accutrac's unique infra- red 
scanning beam, located in the tonearm head, 
reads the surface of the record and directs 


the tonearm to follow your instructions. 


What's more, it can do this, by cordless 
remote control, even from across the room. 


The arm your fingers never have to touch. 
Since Accutrac's tonearmis electroni- 
cally directed to the record, you never risk 
dropping the tonearm accidently and scratch- 
ing a record, or damaging a stylus. 
And, since it cues electronically, too, 
you can interrupt your listening and then 
ick it up again in the same groove, within a 
ractionofa revolution. Even the best damped 
cue lever can't provide such accuracy. Or 
safety. 


What you hear is as incredible as what 
you see. 

Because the Accutrac servo-motor 
which drives the tonearm is decoupled the 
instant the stylus goes into play, both hori- 
zontal and vertical friction are virtually elimi- 
nated. That means you get the most accurate 
tracking possible and the most faithful 
reproduction. 

You also get wow and flutter at a com- 
pletely inaudible 0.03% WRMS. Rumble at 
—70 dB (DINB). A tracking force of a mere 
3/4 gram. And tonearm resonance at the 
ideal 8-10 Hz. 

The Accutrac 4000 system. When you 
see and hear what it can do, you'll never be 
satisified owning anything else. 


PLAYBOY 


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Brıc-a Brac Man, 


(continued from page 118 


late. Have to get dressed. Will you ex 
cuse me?” 

All righty,” said the landlady 

Then, swinging her bucket, she re 


treated down the whitewashed corridor 
as I shut my door. 
E 
I wore a necktie and a good sports 


jacket, because if I was stopped and 


questioned as I left the building, 1 
didn't want to look like a hoodlum. 
Avoiding the alley, I went out the Com 


monwealth Avenue « There were 
plainclothesmen.| skulki 


sure, but nobody hailed me 


around, I'm 


BACK BAY WOMAN SLAIN BY INTRUDER 
was the headline at the bottom of the 
Globe's front page. "Marta Ramsay 
strangled with stocking . beautiful 
nes Coker 


Ramsay, famous marine architect and 


daughter of the late Captain J 


inventor . . . $100,000 painting stolen 
killer forced alley door surprised 
ransacking bedroom ... may have been 
wounded victim's sister Helga fired 


a pistol at the murderer, as he was flee 
ing police checking doctors and 
hospitals.” 

Every word was a stiletto in my heart 


Mrs. Dunlap’s ver 


I had been pr 


would turn out to be a muddled 


f 
accept it as in 


to feel queer. What had 


wasy; now, like or not, | had to 
trovertible fact. My 


stomach be 


happened? How could there have been 
a murder? I didn't touch the women 
never approached them. And which one 
of them had died? Was it the stunning 
creature I'd seen the day I sat on the 
bench 

I read the article again. "Picture worth 
in excess of $100,000, spokesman says." 
Marvelous, I thought. ‘Terrific. A final 
irony. The goddamn painting is so valu: 


ible, I won't be able to get a nickel for it 


. 

The minute I identified myself. he 
asked, “Where are you calling from 

A booth on Mass, Avenue," I an 
swered. "Why? Do you think my phone 
is tapped 

It's a possibility. Anything's a possi 


bility with a maniac like you." 


Listen, Maurice, I 


Don't tell me. I don't want to talk to 


you. I don't even want to know you. 


You're demented—a psychopath. 


I cursed and said, “If you know what's 
od for you, you'll talk to me 
That's how it is? Nice, OK—but not 


on the phone.” He paused, then inquired 
Are you hurt? According to the news 
papers— 

"No, not a scratch, I was fortunate 
See you in the restaurant at 


Corner, by the trolley stop," I 


said, and hung up without waiting for 
his reply 

He had sounded alarmed on the tele 
phone, yet when he arrived, he appeared 


us sedate as a bishop. His suit, shirt and 


necktie harmonized perfectly, and his 


razor haircut was such a work of art it 


might have been done by Michelangelo. 
1 felt like Pete the ‘Tramp 

What happened?" he snarled. “A once 
in-a-lifetime project, Arnold, How could 
you botch it up that way?” 

I had nothing to do with the death 
Maurice—nothing at all. I stayed on the 
ground floor the whole time. 1 didn't set 


foot on the stairs, let alone go into the 


bedrooms, I never saw any of them—ex 
limpse of the one who shot at 


cept 
me 

Then, in a subdued voice, I described 
my adventure, leaving out only how I 
gained entrance to the house initially 
He listened without interrupting, but 
when I finished, he shook his head 
skeptically 

1 can't buy it,” he declared, "I'd like 
to, but I can't. You were robbing those 


people 


nd a girl got strangled. And you 
say you didn't do it? 1 mean, what the 
hell! Why did you go to the second floor 
anyway? Downstairs, there was more 
treasure than you could carry, even if 
you had a wheelbarrow 


1 told you—1 didn't go to the second 


floor. Can't you get it through your 
head? Something funny was happen 
ing in that house, I heard a lot of 


ge noises—screaming, yelling, peopl 
running 

I'll bet you did," he said dryly 

Maurice, you know me since infancy 
Do you consider me a violent type? Do 


You can't always tell about such 


things, Arnold. Everyone has a few sc 
cret kinks, I imagine 

Thanks a heap," I said in an ag 
rieved tone. "And I nearly got mur 
dered myself, don't forget 


Yes, Snatching the picture was a lucky 
break for you 


I nodded. “Now that you mention the 


painting, what do you think we can get 
for it?" I asked. 
Maurice removed his wrap-around sun. 
I 


ses and stared at me narrowly. “I'm 
handling that," he said at last 


No? W 


er—remember 


x: We're in this togeth 


His stare became a glare. “Are we 
Sure. Whatever I 
1 to unload—and I got this oil 


Ot, you were sup 


ing, which is worth in excess of a 


hundred grand. 

A frowzy waitress came to a halt bv 
our table and commented, “Gee—you 
two are twins, aren't you 

Yes,” I promptly answered, knowing 
it would irk my cousin. 

Identical twins." she said mawkishly. 
One look and I could tell. I haven't 


The year-round dark beer. 


Glass after glass— there is only one dark beer that gives you 
this consistently wholehearted character and great taste, any 
and every time. It's Heineken Special Dark Beer. Brewed and 
bottled in Holland. Heineken tastes tremendous. No wonder 
its America's #1 imported beer. Exclusive U.S. Importers: 
Van Munching & Co., N.Y., N.Y. 


PLAYBOY 


218 


scen any in years, either. You're just like 


two peas in a pod 
She grinned at us, then wandered off 
rd the kitchen, 
{ey—that woman might identify us 
Maurice mut 
tered, his snake eyes shifting nervously 


tow 


in a courtroom sometime,” 


You don't want to be spotted in my 
company, do you? OK," I said. "No hard 
feelings—but can you get me ten thou 
sand for this masterpiece? Fairly soon?" 

1 can't get you a dime now. There's 
blood on it. Sit tight, Arnold. Later, 
when the heat dies down, 1 might be 
able to find a buyer. But I can't do a deal 
now, because you throttled that girl 

"| never laid a hand on her" I 
y temper 

How can you be so sure 

Because I'm not crazy, that's how.” 

"Come on. What about your amnesia? 
Your blackouts?” he inquired, leaning 
toward me over the table. 

My cousin's introducing 
didn't surprise me. Since I had heard 
ibout the murder from Mrs. Dunlap, the 
disagreeable suspicion that 1 might have 


snapped, losing 


this subject 


committed it unconsciously had been 
floating around in my mind like a cloud 
of poison gas, But I still didn't believe 
that it could have happened that way 
"Impossible," I retorted. "To begin 
with, T always remember when 1 have 
my amnesia, even if 1 don't remember 


what happened during it. Last night, no 
tack occurred, T can recall every mo 
ment—the 
Furthermore, when I black out, | be 


entire sequence of events. 
have in a perfectly normal manner—not 
like a homicidal lunatic 
est I'd dash up a flight of stairs, 


It’s ridiculous 
to sugg 
burst into a bedroom and strangle 


woman,” 

OK. It was only an idea, Arnold,” he 
said. "Look, 1 have to go now. I have to 
get back t0 the store, Stay cool, will you? 
I'll do whatever 
provided, that is, you 


If they pick you up, 
I ain to help 
don't implicate me. You can't expect me 
to be nice, if you're going to be nasty 
can you?" 

Ignoring the question, I said, "I'll 
see you, Maurice 

" 

My cousin's advice, however, was 
sound. 1 really couldn't run away. A 
sudden disappear se Mrs. 


Dunlap to add two and two t nd 


ice. might € 


arrive at an answer that could mean 20 
wears imprisonment for me. Besides, 
there was the hole in her basement wall 
which would have to be fixed before I 
packed up and left 

So back to the efficiency apartment I 
went, The first week, ] rarely stepped 
because there were 


out of the house, 
cops everywhere. Eager as I was to get 
some sand and masonry cement to make 
mortar for my bricklaying 
try to lug the stuff up the front steps or 
cven through the alley 

What 1 did accomplish, though, was to 


I didn't dare 


assemble the pieces of wainscoting and 
baseboard into a single panel that could 
be installed or removed with relative 
case. Four screws held it in place. It was 
à neat job, but I still had a cupboard 
full of loose bricks that someone might 
stumble onto, so I felt far from secure 

On Saturday, I met Mrs. Dunlap in 
the laundry room. She 
description of Marta R 
which undermined my morale complete 
ly. | wondered if Marta had been the girl 
with the indigo eyes. When I returned to 


msay's funeral, 


my apartment, I actually sat down and 
cried—a thing I hadn't done since child. 
hood. Was I a killer? I asked myself. Had 
1 murdered that poor girl? Was I some 
sort of werewolf? A Jekyll and Hyde? 

The very next day, 1 took the painting 
out of the wall, wrapped it in brown 
paper, shoved it into a shopping bag and 
boldly carried it from the house. Ten 
minutes later, 1 had it in my Bay State 
Road 
I ret 


cove 


rtment, safe and sound, "There 


wed the picture from the frame 


d it with polyethylene and slid it 


behind the bathroom mirror, 1 then 
sealed the opening between the mirror 
and the wall with epoxy filler 
tom and both sides. ‘To make the epoxy 
look old, 1 touched it up with heavily 
diluted gray paint. The frame I took 


top, bot 


into my den and sawed into pieces, which 
1 burned in the fireplace 
I went back to Commonwealth Ave 


nue, pleased to have done somethi 


useful 

The days passed and the policemen 
never app 
crimes, I'd evidently gotten away with 
them. 


red at my door, Whatever my 


. 

Finally, in the end, 1 had no choice 
but to sell the bulk of my stock, return 
the consigned items and close down my 
emporium. 


nouement 


de 


D It was a dismi 


and by the time the smoke 
and 1 had satisfied. my cred- 
itors, all that re nal in 
vestment was 


had cleared 
ned of my ori, 


7. So much for being a 
» in America. So much 


ise system. 


Il businessm 


he free-enter] 

Virtually destitute, 1 phoned Cousin 
Mau 
oll him, 


ce to see if 1 could peel a few bills 
reminding the cheap bastard 
that I had spent a lot of money on our 
ill-fated joint venture—but he wouldn't 
Not only that, he ac 
st I break into 


part with a nickel 
tually had the guts to su 
the R: 


now t 


ld a second time 


After all his 
complaints! 1 was amazed. How greedy 


ay strong! 


t things were quiet 


can a man be? 
told him I was finished with 548 Com 
that I was prepared 
to starve to death, rather than take an 


In unequivocal terms, 1 
monwealth Avenue 


other crack at that place. 

It was Barney Slocum whe 
to my rescue. He paid me $1800 for taking 
a parure of diamonds fro 
in a ranch house off the 


a wall safe 


ston Post 


As I had a key for the 


safe as well as the front door, it was 


Road in Weston 


easier than stealing flowers from the Pub: 
lic Garden. 
Not lon, 


pleasant 


after this windfall, another 


ting happened to me. 1 was re 


turning to the Dunlap dungeon one 
girl with the 


eyes. Since I had half convinced 


when I saw the 


myself that she was the one who'd been 
strangled that ghastly night, it gave me 
a bit of a shock. There she stooc 


beside 
1 mustard-colored Lancia in the Ramsay 
back yard, a look of mild vexation on her 
exquisite features, 1 g 
ret 
Then, to my surprise, she spoke 

Are you from the A.L.A.? 

No. The A.L.A.? No, ma 


replied, my heart thump 


ed at her and she 


iated with a cool, disdainful glance 


she asked. 
m. Sorry," I 
turbulently 


Got a flat tire 

She shook her head, whipping her dark 
silky hair from one slim shoulder to the 
other. "The 
start. You wouldn't know anything about 
automobiles, would you 


battery's gone, It won't 


Me? Oh, sure. I've been around them 
all my life. Want me to look at it?" 

If you wouldn't mind. I hate to be a 
bother." she said. "Do you live im the 
neighborhood?" 

Yes, in that house," I answered, point 
ing with my thumb 

She nodded absently. "Maybe it isn't 
the battery. Maybe it's the starter. It 


growls and growls, but it never catches 


1 watched her as she turned to fiddle 
with the hood. Dazzling as she appeared 


from a distance, she was still more so 


close up. She had a lovely bisque com 


plexion. like a fine Dresden figurine 
Helen 


stunni 


of Troy couldn't have been more 
it 
myself, I approached the car 


g- 1 thou; 


Stirring 
Around it, the air was pungent with 
I suspect you've flooded the 


oline fumes 
engine," 1 commented 

Oh?" she said 

You've been pumping fuel into the 
cylinders. and now there's so much. in 
there it won't ignite. Wait a few minutes 
and then I'll give it a try." 

I slid behind the wheel, pressed the 


gas pedal and turned the key. A second 


ter, the motor commenced to hum. 
Wow! How did you do that?" the girl 
exclaimed 

I jerked the emergency-brake handle 
ind. climbed out 
keep the 


the engine turns over 


The whole wick is to 
iccelerator on the floor until 


1 said, affecting 


nonchalance, "Don't pump the pedal 
because that only defeats your purpose 

“TIl remember it 
wizard—honestly. And I 


What's your 


always. You're a 


mechanical 


you were crazy 


name 


Arnold . . . Arnold Hopkins.” 
“Mine's Helga,” she said, displaying 
spectacularly beautiful leg as she 


the little automobile 
Yhen she 


ve me a smile—one that 


a 


STN 
MAA 
AI 


J 


Ec 


à 


STRONG BOX 


When we say Royce builds a strong box, we’re not talking about the metal 
case that goes around our CB. We're talking about the insides. 
The electronics. Royce builds CB’s with only the highest-grade com- 
ponents. Components that hold up under the stress of driving and 
rough handling. Many of our models are built with modular printed 
circuits. This means fewer wires. And fewer wires mean longer CB life 
and uniform quality and performance. Then, to make sure your Royce 
is working perfectly before you buy it, we electronically check every 
CB we build. And make sure each one is FCC-type accepted. Granted, 
it takes more time and know-how to build a Royce CB. But we 
feel the problem of keeping a CB working should be ours, not yours. 


That’s why... 


Everybody's talking ‘bout 


Royce’ 


Write for a free brochure to Royce Electronics Corp., 


Royce Electronics Corp. 1976 


1746 Levee Road, North Kansas City, Missouri 64116 


PLAYBOY 


warm enough to melt a polar icecap. 
1 was still basking in it when the car 
took off and sped down the alley. 

I almost danced to the Dunlap door. 
But while I was opening it, I remembered 
Helga was the sister who had tried to 
shoot me dead, It was a sobering thought, 

. 

Since 1 didn't have a shop anymore, 
1 had to go back to being a picker—to 
mpering hither and yon in search of 
good buys and openhanded customers, 
Manny Robinson gave me a number of 
valuable articles on credit, and that 
helped a great deal. 

Returning from Manny's, I had lunch 
in Needham at the McDonald's, and as 
1 was leaving, I passed a man and an 
elderly woman who seemed vaguely fa 
miliar, 1 hopped into my wagon and 
started backing out, Through the rear- 
view mirror, I noticed that these people 
were staring in my direction. 

Suddenly, 1 remembered who the old 
wom was. She was Mrs. Crabtree's 
sister, Lydia—the infamous Mrs. Crab- 
tree, who had almost worked that $1700 
scam on me, And the husky man with 
was Tyrone of the bullethead. The 
time I'd seen him, he'd been busy 
ling away my fancy chairs and ser- 


, and built like somet 
find at Stonehenge. 

This process of recognition occupied 
only a second, but in that brief period, 
Tyrone began walking toward me. I 
didn't loiter. Shifting gears like Fittipaldi 
at Monaco, I sped out of the parking lot. 
Whatever he wanted to discuss with me, 
as sure it wouldn't have been 
ant. 
same afternoon, I finally bought 
the sand and masonry cement with which 
to repair the brick wall, though 1 held off 
commencing the job, because I didn't 
ny extra time or extra energy. In 
ent, 1 wasn't especially anxious to 
Mrs. Dunlap's house. Having met 
Helga Ri 1 thought it might be nice 
10 stick around for a while. 

Often 1 gazed out my kitchen window, 
hoping to catch a glimpse of Helga com- 
ing or going in her Lancia; but for some 
reason, | never did. Still, weird as it 
sounds, I derived considerable 
tion from just living next door to the 
girl. And with the hole in my bedroom 
vall, 1 could almost imagine we were 
Pyramus and Thisbe 

However, there were also times when 
1 thought about the other Ramsay sister, 
the one who had died—and then 1 be- 
came very morose and pessimistic. With 
all my heart, I wished I had never at- 
tempted that ill-fated burglary 

. 

1 was feeling melancholy in my Bay 
State Road apartment when the phone 
rang and I ran to answer it. But there 
wasn't anybody on the line, which upset 


g you'd 


220 me. I don't like anonymous phone calls. 


Muttering oaths to myself, I went into 
the bathroom and checked the epoxy 
filler around the mirror. It was intact. 
My masterpiece was still safe. Even 
though I couldn't sell the painting, I 
n't want some itinerant thief filching 
it on me. 

I ate a fast lunch, washed the dishes 
and left the apartment to deliver a wick- 
er suitcase filled with things for a client. 
As I started down the stairs, I heard un- 
usually heavy footsteps on a lower land- 
ing—and they were accompanied b 
lot of loud, swinish granting. Curious, I 
glanced over the banister. Coming up 
toward me was Tyrone Crabtree. Turn- 
ing at once and walking on my toes, I 
went back to the filth floor; but there 
n't sufficient time for me to regain my 
artment before the ex-football player 
rived, so 1 stealthily ascended to the 
next landing, which happened to be the 
one that led to the roof. 

There | waited, listening. The foot- 
steps came to a halt and my door buzzer 
droned long and peevishly, Naturally, 
there was no answer. Deep silence pre- 
vailed. Eventually, this was shattered by 
three knocks that sounded like a wreck- 
er's iron ball pounding a frame house. 
They didn't induce a response, either, 


however. 


“I know you're inside, 
voice said in an underton 

Straining my ears to catch these words, 
I suddenly became conscious of a noise 
closer to hand. Apparently, the swinging 
of the suitcase had activated the Donald 
Duck alarm clock in my suitcase, for now 
it was diligently ticking away. ‘To me, it 
was very audible. 1 could only hope that 
the yeti on the floor below wouldn't no- 
tice it. 

A second lengthy buzz occurred and the 
gentle voice spoke again. "I want to talk 
to you, mister,” it said. "Why don't you 
unlock the door?” 

No, thanks, 1 thought. I only converse 
with members of my own species. 

For nother few minutes, Tyrone 
buzzed and banged, but he was finally 
forced to accept defeat. As he started to 
trudge back down the stairs, T resumed 
breathing. It was at this critical juncture 
that the alarm on the Donald Duck clock 
went off. 

What could I do? How does one cope 
with a jangling als 
i ? There was no swift method of 
getting at it—and even if th had 
been, it wouldn't have helped. My vis- 
itor n't deaf, He had heard the racket 
and, feet clomping, was already on his 
way to investigate. 

I unlatched the roof door and pushed 
against it. The damned thing wouldn't 
budge. Desperate, I hit it with my shoul- 
der. It moved a quarter of an inch, but 
that was all. I never got a chance to 
make a third attempt, because, by then, 
Tyrone had m ized at the top of 


in oddly gentle 


the stairs like a baleful, bulletheaded 
genie, fresh out of his bottle. 

The man massive. Though prob- 
ably a size 20, his shirt failed by an inch 
to encircle his elephantine neck. Under 
the row knot of his tie, it gaped vul 
garly. The jacket he wore didn't fit, 
either. Its sleeves were three inches too 
short, so that his thick red wrists ex- 
tended well beyond the culis. As for his 
face, he could have played Frankenstein's 
monster without make-up. All they would 
have had to do was comb his hair down 
onto his forehead. 

While we were looking cach other 
over, the treacherous alarm ceased peal 
ing. Tyrone seemed to take this for a 
signal, because he lunged at me, grabbed 
my arm and twisted it behind my back. 
The suitcase clattered to the floor, 1 was 
spun around like a mannequin. He then 
clutched the scruff of my neck, lifted me 
half off my feet and kicked the door open. 
Before I knew what was happening, we 
were out on the roof. 

“Listen,” I croaked. “Why are you mad 
at me, Tyrone? | only repossessed my 
own money. I didn’t steal anything, It 
was my dough.” 

"You shouldn't have done it, any- 
way," he said mildly. "Momma got very 
excited." 

Vell older folks always get upset 
easily. That's how they are. I didn't n 
to cause your mother trouble. But let's go 
e her, Tyrone, and I'll apologize,” 

"t. Not now, mister. Momma 
had a stroke that day. Two wecks later, 
she passed on—and it was all your fault, 
for taking the money.” 

My internal organs began to ice up 
blizzard. 

I squawked. "How awful! 
n't my fault, though, 
ve an argu 
ment—just a calm discussion. Ask your 
aunt Lydia. I was perfectly polite—and 
your mother behaved like a real lady." 

We stopped abruptly. My captor 
turned me around and stared into my 
eyes. "She was a real lady, wasn't she? 
he said in a tender tone 
Definitely, A true 
refined, a woman of quality,” I babbled, 
doing my best to sound sincere. “And 
ys, you rarely meet people of that 
You were lucky to have such a 
wonderful mother, Tyrone.” 

1 studied his grotesque mug for some 
sign of compassion, but deciphering the 
expression of a Fi stein was no casy 
task. While I w king this, I re 
membered Barney Slocum's mentioning 
Frankenstein the night he brought me the 
news of Guilfoyle’s mugging. Yes. He had 
said that Guilfoyle told the police the 
ttacked him looked like Frank- 
And Hogan had been thrown 
out a window. 

Pieces of an appalling mos: 
menced to click into place in my 

(continued on page 224) 


I'm so sorry. It 
Tyrone. We didn't even I 


tecl, 


"He's a crazy scientist and guess what he's 
crazy about." 


222 


PLAYBOY POTPOURRI 


people, places, objects and events of interest or amusement 


ASSETS IN THE HOLE 
‘The expression tapping a keg takes on new implications when applied 
to the 15-gallon beer barrels that Millard 
Missouri 64746) is selling for $110 apiece. Each of the barrels has been 
converted for use as a sort of underground hidey hole; any object that 
will fit through a six-inch opening can be stashed in the buried 
stainless-steel barrel that's been tested for leaks at 50 psi. Buri 
instructions accompany each order, plus you get a T-handled pipe 
for unsealing your cache—if you can still find it 


PILLOW TALK 
Any company with the name Soft Por Gorn can’t be all bad, and when 
that company makes highly erotic satin pillows in four 
styles—the symbol of Pompeii (below), The Spread, The Star (it 
ain't the Star of David) and The Tongue—how can you go wrong? 
The pillows go for $21.50 each, postpaid, sent to Soft Por Corn at 51 
Bond Street, New York City 10012. You won't want to get out of bed. 


ieberam (Box 111, Freeman, 


/ 


) 


= 


JAILHOUSE LOCK! 
If you're as much of an admirer of massive, 
polished-brass objets as we are, check 
this: The Napoleon Gallery at 535 St. 
Louis Street in New Orleans has 
two-and-one-half-pound. solid-brass pad- 
locks measuring 5" x 3" x 134" and 
engraved with BOMBAY JAIL, WINE CELLAR 
or uric for $36.50 each, postpaid. Brass 
hasps (vertical or horizontal) are $18.75 
each. Even Houdini would dig them, 


MOVING WORDS 
Wish you could really communicate with 
kamikaze taxi drivers instead of just flip. 
ping them the bird? Get yourself a set of 
Take That! cards; six colorful 814” x 11" 
signs that say in huge black letters, 
UP YOURS!, NICE SIGNAL! BAD DRIVING!, 
YIELD DAMMIT!,. MOVE OVER!, HURRY UP! 
The price for a set is $3.50 postpaid 
sent to Take That!, P.O. Box 1326, Plano, 
Texas 75074. Well, up yours, too, fella! 


PINCH HIT! 
No, the pinchers at right 
aren't some kind of bizarre 
tit tong being manufactured 
by a kinky bondage company. 
They're part of a physical- 
fitness kit that's available 
for $6.45 postpaid from Dr. 
H., Company, P.O. Box 4004 
Santa Clara, California 
What the physique mete 
does is aid you in measuring 
your fat content, using skin 
folds on several parts of 
your bod. Of course, you could 
introduce it at your next 
party to promote group fun 
and games—but we wouldn't 
suggest that, would we? 


EVERY ACT AN ANIMAL ACT 
We've heard of bicycles built for two, but now comes George 
Feirfeil, an -old gentleman residing at 5708 Buffalo Avenue 
in Van Nuys, California, who specializes in custom-creating mini 
ature devices for trained animals and birds. George's prices are 
around $200 and up, depending on how complicated the design is 
Roller skates for your penguin? No problem. Let George do it 


GAMBLING ON 


THE GREEN 
Fledgling gamblers will be 
pleased to learn about 
small company in Seattle 
called Washington Educ 
tional Gaming Service (P.O. 
Box 15654, Wedgewood 
Station 98115). It offers night 
courses in blackjack, craps, 
roulette and baccarat at $25 
for four two-hour sessions— 
plus a variety of field trips 
to Las Vegas. (Six days, five 
nights from Seattle is $270 
with room.) Can't make it? 
Send for an $8.50 book, 
Gambling for Entertainment. 
Maybe you'll break even. 


DOING DIRTY DEEDS 


Calling all chickens: Is there some chore you 
can't deal with, like giving a speech, attend- 
ing a funeral or visiting your mother-in-law? 
Well, a guy named Yuri Schwebler has formed a 
Washington, D.C., company called Dirtyworks, 
Inc., that specializes in doing all the un- 

pleasant things that you hate—for a hefty fee, 
of course. Call Yuri at 202-234-4637 (pati 

friends, it's not always answered) and tell him 
your problem. By now, he's heard everything. 


JAW BONE! 


For the girl who has always £ 


(P.O. Box 636, Main Office, 
94101) is offering a whopper of 
shaped dildo for $10 that, it claims, “j 

up a wonderful orgasm.” Need we add 

that a whale of a dorsal fin, plus 
a couple of cute little side flippers? 
In fact, you might say it gives the 
expression deep six a whole new m 


223 


PLAYBOY 


224 


Bric-akBrac Man, /oninued from pose 220) 


mind. I grew limp with terror. Only 
Tyron 
collapsing in a heap. 

"You're just trying to get on my good 
side," he declared, “but it won't work, 
mister. I'm not a dummy, you know." 

With that, he tightened his grip on my 
neck and proceeded to frog-march me to 
the edge of the roof. I pleaded with him 
cloquently, using phrases ged with 
pathos that they would have melted the 
heart of Caligula or Gilles de Rais. On 
Tyrone Crabtree, though, they had no 
effect at all 

Despite my frantic strug 


s support prevented me from 


ing, we drew 
hearer and nearer to the low parapet 
that marked the end of the building 

"Off you go,” said the psychopath be 
hind me, as if he were commenting on 


the weather. 


1 opened my mouth wide and bellowed 
as loud as I could, The pressure on my 
spine suddenly ceased. He wasn't push 
ing me anymore. "Then the hand on my 
neck loosened its hold—and, since this 
gave me fuller use of my vocal cords, 1 
produced another yell even louder than 
the first. Immediately, my arm was re 
leased. Thinking he was backing up for 
a final shove—a shove that would send 


me plunging to oblivion—I dropped to 
my knees on the gravel-covered roof. 
Seconds passed and nothing happened. 
Fearfully, I twisted around to discover 
what the demented bastard was doing and 
saw to my astonishment that he was run 
ning away from me. Eyes starting from 
his head a ta 
rone raced to or. In another 
moment, he disappeared from view and 
I was alone. 

How my salvation had come about, I 
simply couldn't comprehend. Had my 
shouting scared him off? It hardly se 
possible. 


ioca, Ty 


med 


"A mirade,” I 
relief 

I crawled to a television antenna and. 
using it for support, got to my feet again 
No sooner had I accomplished this 
duous task than a fuzzy g 


gasped, dazed with 


kitten came 


prancing out from behind a nearby 
ney. Tail high, it p 
Cats |. cits... Cats" T stammered 


d 


aded past me 


suddenly remembering. "Cats. He's afraid 
of cats. 

“Meow,” the kitten purred, showing a 
tiny pink mouth. 

When I staggered back to the hall, the 
gruesome Tyr 
where in sight, Retrieving the wicker 


ne was fortunately no. 


“Oh, dear! My ben-wa balls!” 


suitcase, I gained the safety of my apart 
ment without further incident. There. 
behind a double-locked door, I poured 
myself a tumbler of sherry with fingers 
that vibrated like rubber snakes. 

One aspect of the matter was crystal 
dear—He Guilfoyle had been delib 
erately murdered 


xd a very large share 


of the responsibility was mine. Tyrone 


1 
who'd caused his mother's seizure and 
death—when, in fact, I was the actual 
culprit 

Then, when Lydia spotted me at the 
McDonald's in. Needham that day, Ty 
rone realized his mistake. 1 suppose he 


had done it, believing he was the pers 


copied my license number and obtained 
my address by calling the registry and 
pretending to be a cop—a well-known 
pk 


among shady characters. 


or Hogan! Defenestration. I began 
to feel ill. After hearing Mrs. Crabtre 
vivid account of her husband's violent 


end, I should've recognized Guilfoyle's 
accident" for what it really was. Perhaps 
I had subconsciously refused to see it 
because of my own share in the crime— 
my own flagrant guilt, 

"Why had I ever pulled that cheap 
trick on him?" I asked the empty room. 
"For the chance to hustle him out of a 
few dollars, I destroyed the man 

The Ramsay girl, and now Hogan. 1 
was going through life like the Black 
Death. 

Needless to say, from that day on, I 
was extremely uneasy, I actually con 
sidered buying a cat, However, the idea 


was impractical, because, though the ani 
mal might protect me in the apartment 
it wouldn't be of any help if I were 
jumped in the hall. No doubt, 1 could 
have carried one around with me day 
and night in a pet satchel, but that, too. 
scemed an unsatisfactory solution 

The following Saturday, I drove past 
my house and noticed a bulky figure in 
a doorway. I couldn't be certain the fig 
ure belonged to Tyrone, but it looked 
disagreeably familiar. Without slowing 


down, I turned the corner and went back 
toC »nwealth Avenue 

Mrs. Dunlap, when I told her I'd be 
keeping the basement apartment a while 
longer, seemed delighted. 

. 

As 1 was taking some stuff out of the 
station wagon in the alley one Friday 
evening, Helga Ramsay drove up. 

“Are you moving, Arnold?” she asked, 
when she emerged from her sports car 
no. These are just some acces 
sories 1 got for my apartment,” I said. 
ecstatic at seeing her a 
Lancia runnin 

“Perfectly. 1 haven't had any problems 
since you told me what I was doi 


How's the 


be ready in two minutes 
* | answered. 


She laughed melodiously. "I can't do 


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PLAYBOY 


226 


it this very moment. I can’t, honestly. My 
sister and I are addressing Christmas 
cards tonight—and there are scads of 
them." 
"What about tomorrow, then?" 
"MI right—but in the afternoon. I'll 
wntown. We could meet at the Hurl 
ingham Pub, if you know where it is.” 
^p know it well,” I said, thou 
never heard of the place. "What tim 
Four-thirty, Arnold?” 
Four-thirty," I affirmed 
She waved at me with h 
child, then turned and walked to the 
Gloucester Street end of the alley. She 
had a dignified, almost prim gait, yet it 
couldn't for a moi 
trinsic sensuality of her slender body 
. 
From the Yellow F 
the Hurlingha 
Place near Beacon, and 


be d 


fingers like a 


nt conceal the in- 


, 1 learned that 
n Pub was on Tremont 
t 4:20 the next 
day, arrayed in belled jeans and my S80 
Donegal tweed jacket, I sauntered into 


the establishment—which was neither 


large nor particularly posh 

Helga had already arrived and was 
seated in a booth at the back, a nearly 
empty glass in her hand 

You're early,” she said. 

Had 1 known you were here, I would 
have been earlier still,” 1 replied, sitting 
across from her 

“Gallantry, My, how nice it is to hear 
such chivalrous patter,” she said, giving 


me a brief smile, "I'm drinking Cam 
pari and soda. What will you have?” 

"p guess I'll have a bourbon and 
water 

Goodness’ sake—my father always 
drank that, He came from Kentucky 
Kentucky, are you 
I said, greedily looking 


You're not fror 
No, He 
her over. 
"He was in the Navy and designed 
submarines. The Government gave him 
medals. We traveled all around the 
world—Spain, Scotland, Hawaii, Japan, 
the Philippines.” 
"It must've been 


» exciting life.” 
She shrugged and finished what was in 
her glass, Then, signaling to a stout wait 


er in a red waistcoat, she ordered the 
bourbon for me and another Campari 
for herself, | had the impression she had 
been drinking there for a while. Her 
speech was infinitesimally fuzzy 

"My mother thought bourbon was terri 


bly plebeian,” she said. "Scotch and 
brandy, though, she considered chic 
Vhar's how Mother was. Elegance loomed 
large in her scheme of things. It really 
did. My sisters and 1, for instance, always 
nd winter, 
1 owned stacks of them. They were mostly 
kid—white, black, gray. seal brown, 
beige, pale beige, rosy beige. And we had 
to know when to take them off or keep 
them on, too. Ladies remove their gloves 
to eat but not to shake hands. Were you 
aware of that, Arnold?” 

"No," I said. "Never had a chance to 


had to wear gloves—summer 


cultivate those mysteries, Helga.” 
Lucky lad. You haven't missed much. 
nce can be a thorn in the flesh 


Ele 
"Don't wear slacks; they're vulgar. Don't 
wear earrings with sunglasses: it's cheap. 
looking. Don't wear shoes that have 
heels or ankle straps: they're 
quite unflattering’ ” The girl la 
There were hundreds of rules. What we 
did wear—perpetually, it seemed—were 


wedge 


plain dark dresses and funny hats. I often 
t about all the animals—kids, 
s, ostriches—that had died 


thoug! 


calves, alligat 


to make my gloves, handbags and shoes. 
My sister. Marta said 1 was morbid. She's 
dead now herself, poor Marta—killed by 
a burglar, not long ago. As a neighbor, 
you probably know the story.” 

Yes," 1 answered guardedly. “A dread 
ful business,” 


I shot at him—the burglar—with my 
father’s gun, but I missed. He had a 
stocking over his face. 1 don't understand 
how I could've missed him. He was only 
a few feet away, It was like a bad dream." 

Hearing her speak so matter-of-factly 
al 
her—to try to find 
happened—but. e 

The waiter returned with the drinks 
and she insisted on paying for them 
Then, raising her glass, she toasted my 
mechanical ingenuity. While we drank, I 
subjected her to another intense ap. 


ut those events, I longed to question 
what really had 
se, 1 didn't dare 


cou 


praisal. The clothes she had on now cer 
tainly weren't. plain and dark. She wore 
a blue-velvet jacket and skirt—very mod 
ish—and a silk blouse the color of peach 
ice cream, I liked the blouse especially 
The depth of the neckline gave 
pitations, I could've spent the rest of 
my life sitting there across from her 


She asked me what business I was in 
ind I said I sold costume jewelry to 
retail stores. 

Putting her elbow on the table and 
resting her chin in her hand, she de. 
cla 


od ar it. Perhaps someday you'll be a 


ed in a dreamy voice, "I bet you're 


i 
you'll work in Amsterdam or Hatton 
Garden or at Cartier's in New York. I 
think PI pretend. you're a diamond 
merchant," 

"Why. He 

“Irs fun, il 
I enjoy imagining the men I'm with are 
superultraextraordinary." 

Very well,” 1 said. "If it gives you 
pleasure, I'll be a diamond merchant at 
Cartier’s—though 1 understand it's a 
difficult job,” 

“Honestly? 1 can't believe that. Han- 
dling diamonds all day long sounds like 
heaven on earth, My sister Ulla had an 
exquisite lavaliere that came from Car 


mond merchant, Arnold. Perhaps 


t's why. I enjoy fantasies. 


tiers. I wed to love to touch it. She 
probably has it yet, because Ulla dotes on 
memories, Only this morning, she was 
reminiscing at breakfast. She went on and 
on—about Rota. That's a place in south- 
western Spain where we lived for a year 


in an I&room villa. Ulla adored that 
house. So did Mother. The servants were 
what she liked. We had quite a crowd 


of them. To Mother, servants were in the 
ne category as hats—things that were 


ood for the old morale.” 

It must have been fairly comforta 
ble,” I remarked wryly. "Didn't you enjoy 
living there? 

Oh. ves. I'm as fond of luxury as any 
one. Why shouldn't I be, Arnold? The 
world’s built on quicksand, and money 
is the only lifeline. Not that 1 have 
much at the moment. When Mother died. 
she bequeathed every cent to Ulla—and 
all the stocks, bonds and property, too 
Quite a blow. She even got the rights to 


my father’s inventions. Marta and I 


were transformed from heiresses to poor 


relations in the twinkling of an eye. Yes. 

the world is built on quicksand, I know 
You won't get an argument from me 

1 answered. "My life's contained a few 


disappointments, also. Seems as if every 


time I reach for the gold ring, 1 fall off 
the merry-go-round. But why did your 
mother leave the whole estate to just the 


daughter 
Because of the accident at New Lon 
don. The accident was the beginning of 
all our misfortunes, I guess. It served her 
right, though. She never could keep her 
hands still. Always had to touch things, 
like a baby." Helg 
Campari with a plastic polo mallet, 
drank a mouthful and licked her nether 
lig 


see, there was this b 


paused, stirred. her 


lip. Frownir itly, she resumed speak 
Ye 
mony at the submarine base—I forget 
what for—and this captain invited the 
family out for a ride in his boat, At the 
time, 1 was only 11, but I'd been on subs 
before and I knew it would be bori 
Ulla was 16 and Marta was 14 
“I don't recall the name 
It was a fleet type, thou 
model. My father and the skipper traded 
jokes about some of its outdated equip- 


cere 


n older 


ment. While the rest of us were being 


given a tour of the living quarters. sly 
Ulla sneaked off with a young liewen 
ant, Weeks later, at the inquiry, the 


lieutenant—his name was Davis—testi 
fied that Ulla had unlocked a valve on 
a manifold in the control room. She 
was fooling around—skylarking—but this 
to fool 
with. It regulated the compressed air that 
forced the water out of the ballast tanks. 
When Ulla turned the valve, she re 
leas 


manifold was the wrong thir 


1 this pressure directly into the con 
trol room. Davis tried to push her aside 
but he wasn't quick enough. The air hit 
her in the face and stripped the flesh 
away. She lost everything below her eyes 

Good God! 

"Yes—hideous, isn't i? Air seems so 
insubstantial. You wouldn't think it could 
do that, would you? But it blew Ulla's 
face right off—faster than you could blow 
the fluff from a dandelion head. They 
covered her with a gray towel, I remember 


2 


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oft Whiskey. 


alvert Extra 


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RUM REVELATIONS. 
ieee Sa 


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The blood kept dripping through it, 
though, onto her lace dress. With the 
streaks of red and white, she was like a 
repulsive piece of peppermint candy. 
That's the image that stayed in my mind. 

"n só 


"The worst of it was she'd bi 
beautiful—much. prettier than. Marta or 
me. It might have been better for every 
if she'd died then. The plastic sur 
geons did their best, but there was very 
little to work with. When she came home 
in 
She's worn it ever since—even in bed. 
And, to make Ulla feel less conspicuous 
when we went out, Mother insisted Mar 
and I wear veils, too. Father and Mother 
always pampered Ulla 
which is why she got the money 
two million dollars, it amounted to. 

Helga finished her drink and beckoned 
to the stout waiter. I had to gulp my 
bourbon to keep from fallin 

“How stupid of me to do 
chatter of personal affai 
“My family's sad history makes f 
able conversation. Let's talk about you 
now, Arnold. Tell me what you did to- 
day—what costume jewelry you sold. I'm 
tired of my own problems. Let's hear 
of yours." 

“Today I didn't have any problems, 
Helga. I was happy as a bird in spring, 
knowing I was going to meet you later." 

“You're xl salesn 
can see that 

For an hour more, we sat there, drink 
ing and joking. Toward the end, 1 
moved over to her side of the booth and 
fondled her a little. She felt as good as 
she looked—even better, if that was pos 
sible. At six, we left and drove back to 
the alley in her 
mobile, There, for another 20 minutes 
we kissed and cuddled. I wanted desper 
ately to invite her into the efficiency 
iment, but it was such a crumby 
place I hated to do so. At last, she said 

» in. I told her I'd phone 
her the next day. 

“No, no. Don't do that, Arnold,” 
ly sister gets angry if men 
t the house—and she listens on 
, too, We'll run into each 
id then. Don't worry." 

And that’s how it was. For the rest of 
the night, I sat in the rock-maple arm 
chair and dreamed with my eyes open. 1 
didn’t even eat dinne: 

. 


from the hospital, she was we: a veil 


outrageously, 
about 


behind. 


miser 


som 


n,” she said, “I 


mustard-colored auto. 


she had to 


she 


retorted, 
call me 
her extensi 
other now 


I never seemed to get a chance to r 
I the brick wall, and I often worried 
about it. Business was booming and I 
just didn't have any spare time. With 
Christmas approaching, everybody was 
buying. I made $1000 clear on a 
tive painting I got from Al € 
in Sudbury and sold to Milton Kaub on 
Charles Street, I netted another $600 on 
a fantastic pair of camphorwood chests 
that I boi illi. 

Leavin: nt one after- 
noon, I nearly collided with a stocky, 


round shouldered fellow in a camel’shair 

who then grinned at me in 
ble way. 
Good afternoon, señor,” he said forth- 
rightly. 

His nut-brown features were familiar, 
but for the moment, I couldn't place 
them. 

"Its me, Mr 
ed. M 
membe: 

"Yes. yes—of course,” I replied. "How 
are you doing?” 


Hopkins,” he exdaim- 
Xochimilco. Don't you re- 


“Excellent, señor. And you? Are you 
fine 

Couldn't be better, Xochimilco. Tell 
me, is the Devil still going strong 

“Ah!” he breathed, rolling his dark eyes 

id adopting a sorrowful expression, “My 
master is not going strong at all, Mr. He 
kins. He is most sick. Only two weeks 
they came and took him to the hospital 
for observations, and after that, they 
locked him up in a sanitarium for crazy 
people," 


“Is that so?" I asked, concealing 
my satisfaction at the news with some 
difficulty 

“Oh, yes—I would never lie about such 
gedy.” said the servant, 
though now he didn’t look as grief 
stricken as he had before. A glint of mer 
riment had crept into his eyes, “The 
morning after Advent is when it hap- 
pened. God's ways are mysterious, Mr. 
Hopkins—are they not? My master awak- 
ened with a nasty headache—and bec 
of this, he was in a bad temper. Then, as 
1 was serving lunch, he threw a chair out 
the window—a big chair, made of iron 
ind leather, It only missed a lady on the 
street by that much.” He held his hands 
a foot apart and smiled happily. "And 
when the police officers ca 


a serious tr 


ise 


ne to the door, 
my master hit one with the pepper-and: 
mushroom omelet and the other with a 
bottle of Asti Spumante, After they closed 
the steel bracelets on his wrists, there 
was little he could do except scream. Now 
señor, 1 live with my cousin, Anselmo, 
and his fat sister, Maria Carmen 

"Sorry to hear it," I said, returning his 
smile. "Perhaps you're better off, though. 
Working for a man as unpredictable 
the Devil could ruin your own health, 
Xochimilco.” 

“You are 
sad, be 


s 


it, Mr. Hopkins. But it is 
ause when my master was young, 
he was as normal as you or me. It was at 
a fiesta for the Blessed Virgin that his 
mind became crazy. Don Roberto, his 
ther, was the one who destroyed the un- 
fortunate man. They had a most terrible 
fight. This happened, you see, in. Mex- 
ico—in Querétaro. A very powerful per- 
son was Don Roberto de Merendaro y 
Alcalá, with arms like a wood chopper's. 
He threw my master, Don Felix Jeroni 
mo, out the window of the hacienda, in 
the same way Don Felix threw out 
the iron chair. But it was not so far to the 
ground, Don Felix landed exactly in the 


middle of the fire that the peons had lit 
for the roasting of the lambs, and thou 
he broke no bones, this was the be 
ning of his funny ideas. That night, he 
decided he was the Devil, here on earth. 
He thought that God had thrown him 
into hell, because his own father had 
thrown him into the fire. It was a very 
disturbing thing for everybody, señor 
They put him in a hospital in Monterrey 
for six-seven months, but when he came 
home again, he was still the Devil, like 
before. And he started buying souls. All 
the money he spent! Lucky for him he 
was rich, What will happen now, I 
know. I saw my master last week and for 
one whole hour, he complained to me 
about the chair in his room. He said he 
could not sit on it, because of his tail 
The doctors told me they do not know 
how to cure him. He will be the Devil 
until the day he dies, I think 

"Until he dies?” I asked. “Who knows? 
Maybe God will let him continue to play 
the Devil even alter he arrives in heav 
en—if heaven is where he goes, that is.” 

Xochimileo droll grimace 
winked, shrugged his round shoulders and 
replied, “As you say, Mr. Hopkins— 
who knows? And maybe I will be his 
servant there, too, But in the meantime, 
I must hurry to the Braden Cafeteria on 


do not 


made a 


Boylston Street, where for eighty-four 
dollars a week I fix sandwiches and 
chicken salads, Goodbye, señor, Take 


care of yoursell.” 

"Adios, Xochimilco," I 

chubby little man performed a half 

bow before turning and scampering away 
. 

Helga was leaning a 
her Lancia in the alley when 1 
that evening 

“It’s been more than two weeks,” she 
said. "Have you been hiding, Arnold 

"Hiding from you? Never!" 1 protested, 
“If you hadn't. forbidden me to call, 1 
would have phoned every day." 

“I've stared out the win 
after hour, hoping to catch sig 


said, as the 


nst the door of 


home 


low, hour 
t of you." 


she said, her voice petulant 
"And I've done the sime, Hel be. 
lieve me,” 1 replied. “But no matter— 


we're together now,” 

T went to the girl and took her in my 
arms, and for the next several minute: 
we stayed th 


in the shadows, kissing 


and nuzzling each other. She wore a 
curious perfume—chypre or patchouli or 
essence of opium—which stimulated. my 
ardor almost to the point of delirium 

At last, she placed her fingers across 
nd said, "Listen, diamond mer- 
chant—come to the house tonight, after 
Ulla goes to bed. We can slip into my 


my lips 


room and have a drink or two. She won't 
disturb us, because she uses secobarbital 
and sleeps stra 
Can you do tha 
"Sure," I said rly, ? 
lidnight. Knock softly on the front 


ght through to morning 


227 


» n't ring the bell. You won't be dled, conditio n't quite so sn Your lips are like ice," she said, wrig- alone? Arnold will stay only an hour, I 
S the Ed nd cozy, The icy wind slashed my face. gli my arms promise. Go back to bed and let me enj 
em No fear, Helga. Midnight and I will My ears and toes caused me pain. I Its a cold night, Helga—and I've a little privac 
- E arrive at the same time—even if it's p my collar and flapped my been wai ind waiting The woman at the who was clad 
» raining Shan nones and broken botiles ms and star " I re Her expression softened. “All right," entirely in black, lau varshly, pull 
a | s] | Lanswered emphatically ned chille n she said, "but keep your voice low or ing the veil out with her 1. "Do you 
She laughed. We exchanged a final I consulted m ! T dis- you'll spoil everything. Sit somewhere. In think I'm an idiot, Helga?” she said. "I 
A It could re-form you. feverish embrace and then separated— may that I had beer only a little while, when I'm sure she's asleep, recognize your Arnold. He's the one I 
she to go down the alley toward Glouc five minutes, How can I survive another — I'll get you a whiskey described to the police—the burglar you 
Bee BIC aa UST ter Street, and I to enter my murky quarter of an hour? I asked self. I'll I dropped into one of the hairy-paw- claimed to have shot at. If he takes a 
Body Billfold is out to re-form basemen e stiff and blue foot Chippendale chairs, crossed my legs single step toward me, I'll run into thc 
you. To unlump and unbump Wu Toth leIdontknow. Helen Surveyin; rest of the windows of and rubbed my hands together, After the street, screaming. I've known right along 
the line of your otherwise wa so ‘beautiful, she hardly seemed real 548 Commonwe I saw they were all mall, the room was like an oven. It was that it couldn't have happened without 
ooy rao es thes Being with her was more like a dream lark. No lighted chinks showed anywhere, casy to see why. In the fireplace, five or your connivance. Nobody could have 
Living Leathot Process ihan anb thee A moment later, I got up, shook the six substantial logs were burning brigh opened the cellar door from the outside 
Makes hide flex like its Teint os coc m diner DE now from my coat d across Helga resumed decking the evergreen, You left it unbolted for him. 
Along with the extra g but I only succeeded in metamorphosing reet. Helga must have spied me which was a real monster. Around its base Don't talk nonsense," Helga answered 
SU AAA specal 5 Jorge hamburger into. 2 amall charcoal climbing the front steps, because the in- were boxes of Christmas balls and tinsel, sharply, her cheeks flushing. "I hardly 
that practically pours in briquette. My mind was adrift in an int I tapped on the door, it was opened. and it was from these that she worked know Arnold. He's someone I just met 
pocket. Flat, flexible indulant ocean of enchanting. fantasie You're too early,” she whispered, vex I followed her with my eyes and as He's your accomplice, that's who he 
fantastically form-fitting The one care I had was the passage of ation gleaming in her indigo eye she straightened up, a queer look came is,” said Ulla. "Why did you do it? For 
make your a r ater time. As though bent on drivin; Doe matter? It’s only fifteen min- over her face, Then 1 heard a rustling the money? When you acted cruel and 
Aad ion 6 X ine ibüdoadcon nv mantel ze utes," I said, compelling my frozen face noise and turned my head to see what nasty years Father told us you had 
S : function in a reasonable manner. It t ile. "But if you want me to return had caused it. In the doorway to the ves- a criminal streak, but we didn't. really 
ticked rapidly enough, but ‘the han o my park bench tibule, a slender figure stood. It had to believe him. Even now, it's hard to ac 
h moved. Six-forty-five endured for No. Come along—but be quiet, for be the sister, if only because her features cept and impossible to understand. Hel 
0 minutes, at least, and 7:15 lasted an »odness' sake." were hidden by a thick veil ga. how could you hire this... this thu 
hour Drawing me into the hall by an arm Tilting her head slightly, she said in to murder your own sister 
Un to stant any longer, I e shut the door carefully. I took off a stern voice, “I suspected it, and now Events were moving much too fast for 
dresse green-striped shirt and my topcoat and hung it on a carved oak 1 know it. Father warned us you were me. "What is all this? I've never set foot 
my snuff-brown flannel suit and got out wtrack. Then she took me into the un thy. I saw this man arrive be- in this house before tonight," I said. 
of there parlor cause I kept a v All day it’s been “What is she talking about 
At five to nine, I was dawdling over a Why did you come so early, Arnold?" obvious that you were up to something Don't get alarmed," Helga replied 
sirl cak in a restaurant on Massa e asked. Why must you spy?” Helga-asked, “My sister is sick. Her mind is-warped 
QU E " -a AA. r 4 5 | chusetts Avenue. By ten, I was at Instead of an answer, I gave her a kiss. frowning. "Why can't you leave me From morning till night, she sits in her 
it i Be , Marengo Bar on Newbury Street, sipping 
Old Grand-Dad and wondering why my 
wrist watch lingered so | 
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room and im: she's threatened. by 
unknown mics. 

“My mind isn't warped, but yours is, It's 
you who's mad,” the somber apparition 
declared scornfully. “You let him in to 
strangle poor Marta, I know, I saw him 
standing over her. If I hadn't fled and 
locked my door, he would have killed me 
as well. I suppose that's why he's here 
tonight, to finish the job—but he's not 
going to get the opportunity. I'm not 
asleep, the way Marta was. 

"Why are you saying these things: 
blurted out. “I don't know you and you 
don't know me. You're making an awful 


* Ulla retorted 
we can settle 
I'll phone the police 
by." 


away 
enough, can't w 
and have them drc 
o, don't phone,” 
ly. "Don't, Ulla." 

For a full five seconds, both of t 
stood there as motionless as bronze stat- 
ues—then the older sister whirled around 
and started for the vestibule, the skirt of 
her bombazine gown flaring like a bull. 
fighter's cape. 

At once, Helga rushed forward. She 
raised her arm and brought it down 


said Helga quiet- 


sharply. As it descended, I saw a pair of 
pruning shears in her hand, ‘There was a 
sickening thump and the veiled woman 


pitched sideways onto the floor. In the 
silence that followed, I could hear her 
gasping painfully, Helga stooped and 
prepared to strike a second blow. 

"Stop!" I shouted, leaping from my 
chair and grabbing her by the wrist. 
“What are you doi 

The girl turned and glared at me, her 
eyes like blue embers. She then opened 
her mouth wide and screamed shrilly. 
Startled, I released her hand. Without a 
moment's hesitation, she swung the shears 
in a short are, hitting me on the head 
just above my left ear. 


Sparks and spangles blossomed in my 
skull. I tottered. back, tripped over the 
chair leg and fell on my rump. Bemused, 
I wondered why she had struck me. It 
seemed so silly. I could vaguely percei 
Ulla a couple of yards away, craw 


her hands and knees. A crimson smudge 
stained the top of her veil Helga had 
gone to the Boulle table a g 
at the drawer. 

1 shook my head and closed my eyes 
tightly, hoping to clarify my vision. When 
I reopened them, Helga was pointing a 
gun at me—the same nickel-plated re- 
volver I'd seen in the dusky mirror the 
night of the abortive robbery. I tried to 
speak, but my vocal cords weren't work- 
ing any better than the rest of me. At 


d was tugg 


last, I succeeded in uttering a single 
word. “Why?” I croaked. 

She smiled a delicate, mischievous smile 
and answered, “Someone has to take the 


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be heredity. 


I tried everything that made sense, and 


even a few things that didn't. When I went 


toa dermatologist, | got no encouragement. 
One doctor even jokingly said the only way 


to save my hair was to put it in a safety 
deposit box. Incidentally, he had less hair 
than did. Needless to say, nothing would 
work for me. 
But didn’t give up hope. I couldn't. 
My good looks (and vanity) spurred me on 
to find a cure. | started hitting the books. 
My studies on hair have pointed more 
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eve The Experts, 
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Therefore, general nutrition even though 
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In the Human Hair Symposium con- 
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In case after case my hopes were rein- 
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PLAYBOY 


232 


blame, diamond merchant.” 
sooner had this enigmatic remark 
left her mouth than there was a peculiar 
swishing noise at the front of the room. 
Helga's glance veered in that direction 


and her beautiful face suddenly became 
apprehensive. 
"You'll drag it down!” she cried. “Let 


go of it 

I looked around and saw the giant 
Christmas tree leaning over dangerously, 
its ornaments swaying. Ulla, in attempt- 
ing to regain her feet, had seized a limb 
and upset its balance. The evergreen 
sared o falling slowly, as 
though unwilling to be hurried. Still 
sprawled on the floor, 1 rolled and scram 
bled to get out of its path. It landed 
with a good deal of clatter and the lamp 
was instantly extinguished. However, the 
parlor wasn't plunged into total darkness, 
wuse of the light from the fireplace, 
By this, 1 could still see Helga 
limbs had pinned her against the wall 
and she appeared stunned. 

"Arnold?" she called. "Where are you?” 

My groping hands located the Chip 
pendale chair, and with its aid, I man 
aged to stand erect, Unsure of what to 
do next, I stared across at the girl. The 
ible, yet that didn't 


topple 


The tree's 


gun was no longer v 
prove it wasn't there. 

“Help me!" 
tone. 

I took a tentative step forward and, as 
I did, became 
crackling sound 

"Help me!” she repeated, more loudly 
than before. "I going to 


she said in a tremulous 


conscious of an ominous 


wasn't shoot 


you—honestly, Pull it away, please, It's 
burning. 

“God!” I exclaimed, aghast 

The tree lay across the hearthstone, 


and Hel; 
ed by her sister's unexpected entrance, 


, because she'd been interrupt 


hadn't replaced the brass screen. Now the 
tips of the biggest branches were ignit 
ing and sending a trickle of pearly smoke 
up into the air. 

I clutched a thick bough and yanked 
on it with all my strength. It moved casi 
ly, but only because it was bending. The 
tree itself didn't budge. 

“Quick! Get it away!” Helga implored 
pitiably tried sidling along the 
wall to reach the safety of the door 

At that instant, however, the crackling 
changed into an angry and 
i the green density of pine needles, 

flicker of light. Then there was 
a great whoosh and the whole tree ex 
ploded in orange flame 

I recoiled involuntarily. Helga van 
ished. Where she had been standing 
second earlier, there was now-a shimmer- 
ing curtain of fire, Its brilliance almost 
blinded me and its searing heat drove me 
back, step by step 

Helga! Helga!" I cried—but in the 
roaring tumult, I couldn't even hear my 
own voice. 


as she 


drone, 


The room and its contents. 


mirrors, 


paintings, the bechive clock, the creden- 
za, the snuff bottles in their fancy cabi 
net—all were limned in the garish light 
Suddenly, off to my left, a blazing fig 
ure appeared. It might have been a po- 
litical effigy that a rabid de 
had put to the torch—except it was alive. 
Into the center of the parlor it came 
staggering and stumblin 
ress was blocked by the harpsichord, For 
a few seconds it wavered there, then it 
raised its incandescent arms, as though 
in supplicati 
the floor, 
Ulla, 
sight, 
What could I have done to help the 
woman? Nothin Had 
1 attempted to smother those flames, both 
of us would have perished. And to em 
brace a column of fire demanded a cour 
age I simply didn't possess, in any case 
1 looked away. Everywhere, little ex 
plosions were occurring. The damask 
drapes on the windows had become surg: 
ing fountains of saffron fire, The teapoy 
flared up and fell to. pieces. Gleami 
ulfed the 


tongues of 


jonstrator 


until its prog 


on, and plunged writhing to 


1 whispered, stupefied by the 


She was doomed. 


chair-back settee, 
flame avidly 
licked the girandoles and oil paintings on 
the blistering walls. Even the distant end 
of the room was now alight 

“Run!” 1 
“Run, run! 

But the route 
pletely barred by the inferno, 
began gnawing at my 
confidence 


tentacles er 
while 


yelled, addressing myself 


the vestibule was com. 
Despair 
small reserve. of 


1 was on the edge of panic. 
Unless I got out of there 
knew I’ be cremated. 
like Helga and Ulla 

It was then that I 
door to the narrow hall 


immediately, I 
alive 


roasted. 


remembered. the 

-the hall 1 had 
used the night of the burglary. I 
around and, through the billows of slate 
gray smoke, dashed to where 1 thought 
it was. my luck held. My out 
touched the portieres. 
ide, I fled into the dark 
corridor, Seconds later, 1 tore the base 
ment door open and bounded down the 
stairs, 

While in the basement, I 
imagined 1 heard—heavy footsteps on the 
floor head. Was there 
one else up there? 1 wondered. 
being 

Fr 


and spied an oblon 


spun 


For once, 
hands 
Sweeping them 


stretched. 


heard—or 


above my some- 


Was I 


chase 


itic, I peered through the gloom 
of pale light—the 


this as a referen 


alley window, Usi 
1 hurried forward 
threw the bolt and pulled violently on 
the knob. Bur it wouldn't open, It had 
locked with a key key 
wasn't in the keyhole. Nor were the win 
dows of any use to me, either, because 


found the back door, 


been and the 


ol the iron bars. 

I commenced to feel faint 
of smoke were seeping down from the 
ceiling like the advance scouts of a 
ghostly army, and I could 
tinguish the deep rumblings of the flames. 


Curlicues 


n dis- 


At any minute, the parlor floor might 
collapse on top of me, I realized. ‘There 
was no time to lose. 

Banging inte 
obstacles and shoutin 
my nerves from disintegrating altogeth 
er, 1 struggled toward the game 
There. visible in the feeble glow 
from the street limp, was the sheet of 
plywood behind which safety lay. From 
my wallet I got a credit slid it 
into the crack and undid the two hooks. 
The panel swung open—but what hap 
pened after that, 1 can't recall. Evident 
ly, I had one of my amnesia attacks. 

. 
1 have no idea how much time elapsed 


jety of shadowy hard 
curses to prevent 


room. 
just 


card, 


while I was blacked out, but it couldn't 
have been more than a few minutes, 
Awareness came to me gradually. I was 


sobbing and moaning, It was dark. 1 was 
stretched out on the kitchen floor, In the 
distance and horns of ap 
5s were howling and 
My nostrils were filled with the 


the sirens 
proaching fire engir 


barking 


acrid stench of burned pine resin. It 
came from my hands, my dothes, my 
hair. Even the warm tears that trickled 


down my face seemed to exude this pun 


gent odor 


es drew— 
It sounded 
hundreds of them. I 
iy hot forehead against the cold 
nd went on weeping, Out in 
there excited 


Nearer and nearer, the er 
wailing, screeching 


as if 


hooting 
there were 
pressed 

linoleum 
the alley, 
shouting 


were bursts of 

Then the apparatus arrived and the 
uproar increased. Air brakes hissed, pow 
erful engines growled and coughed, gears 
shifted gratingly, pumps began to throb, 

A searchlight swept past the window, 
illuminating the kitchen for an instant 
I sat up, sighed wearily and then 
my feet. 

"Did 1 close the panel?" I asked the 
darkness 

Shulfling like 
the bedroom. 


got to 


an old man, I went into 


The section of wainscot 


was hanging by a single screw. I 
have kicked it open. On 
to the far end of the tunnel 
around with my hands. The bl 
fixed securely in place 


must 
y knees, I cr 


feeling 
iket was 
beneath it, 
and 


and 
the picce of plywood 
hooked. I backed out. From my tool chest 
1 and, with it, refas- 
tened the wainscoting. 

Not my fault" 1 said miserably 
accident. What could I do: 
burned to cinders. He 
I didn't break in—not this time. 
But she had the pistol and tried to shoot 
me They were crazy, the two of 
them. I had no chance to save their lives, 
though. Impossible, The tree went up in 
seconds, A grisly accident. What could I 
do? I was lucky 


was shut 


X a screwdriver 


"An 


They were 


invited me 
there 


» escape myself 

In the alley, someone was yelling com- 
mands through a bullhorn. I pushed m 
self from the chair, went to the kitchen 
window and peeked between the burlap 


» curtains. At first, it appeared that t 
houses opposite were on fire, too, but 
= then I realized the 1 glare in their 
wit as only a reflection of the hole j? 
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PLAYBOY 


"Ill take the Carter call. Put Billy Graham 
on hold.” 


high-ceilinged parlor, so exquisite only 
an hour earlier, was now a black smol 
dering rn. All the lovely objects 
were gone—reduced to lumps of molten 
metal or glass and mounds of sodden 
ashes. 

Beside me, a 
remarked conversati 
two bodies in the place, Coup! 
en, An awful way to go, isn't it?” 

I shuddered and made no reply. 

. 

The fire never did spread to Mrs. Dun 
lap's property: but even so, none of us 
got any sleep that night. 

Near noon, dogtired, I went down- 
stairs to bed, where I slept like a man in 
a coma for six solid hours. Yet when I 
woke up, I felt awful. Back between the 
sheets I craw! 

At midnight, I awakened 
as alive with ugly 
ge forebodings. Utterly convinced 

veiled figure was lurking by the 
y quivering on the 
lumpy mattress for wh: ed an hour. 
Of course, when I eventually summoned 
the courage to switch on the lamp, I saw 
nothing—no gloating specters, no gibber- 
ing fiends, Nevertheless, it took a long 


t 
chest of drawers, I 


while for me to get back to sleep. 
The whole of the following day, I re- 
mained in bed, though there were many 


pointments was the necessity to re; 
the brick wall behind the wai 
Once the workmen started. clearing the 


236 debris next door, they were sure to un- 


trouble. 

But I was too weak to sit up 
let alone undertake manual labo 
a raging fever—probably cont 
night of the disaster, while I 
ing in the snowstorm in my 
coat. One minute I'd be flushed 
burning and the next I'd be chilled to 
the marrow of my bones. Mentally I 
wasn't right, either, because my mood al- 
ternated between unpleasant extremes— 
such as apathy and terror 

By evening, I was a little better, 
though, and after ten hours of sleep that 
night, I woke up feeling almost well 
again. Listening to the radio, I learned 
it was the 24th of December— Christmas 
Eve. 

At 12:30, Rita knocked on my door and 
announced that there was a gentleman to 
s 


Who could it be? I wondered, instantly 
frightened. A gentleman? In a blue uni- 
form, perhaps. But cops seldom 
lone. They usually came in pairs 
famine and plague, or fear and loathing. 
With considerable reluctance, I opened 
the door. There, in a form-fitting gray- 
serge overcoat that even a Spanish diplo- 
ave envied, was Maurice 


“Hello,” he said. 

I released a pent-up breath and mum- 
bled a greeting. Then I thanked the maid, 
showed my guest into the living room and 
shut the door tightly. 

“How did you find me?" I asked. "I 
never told you I was here.” 


"No, you didn't. Thanks a lot," he an- 
swered, unbuttoning his coat and sitting 
in an armchair. “After phoning that other 
place about a hundred times and never 
catching you in, I finally concluded you 
were hiding because you owed somebody 
a bundle of money.” 

"But how did you know I was here, 
Maurice: 

"p didn't—not for certain. I took a 
gamble. Back when we were planning the 
job. you mentioned the owner of this 
house was a friend of yours—and you 
said she rented furnished rooms. So I 
gave . It doesn't cost anything to 
knock on a front door and ask a couple 
of questions. Hey—are you in debt to 
the M. 
liv you move 
here to take another whack at the gold 
mine next door—without bothering to 


"On your riner, did you 
happen to notice that gold mir 
asked him, 

"Yes, I noticed it—and I read a 
paper story about it, also. It ru 
day," he retorted sulkily. “AIL that treas 
ure—gone up in smoke. I begged you 
go in there a second time, but you 
wouldn't do it, would you? You let your 
self be scared off. Now it's too la 
hat was a spooky house, Maurice. I 
think it had a hoodoo on 

“Hoodoo, hell! You blew a perfect 
setup. And then that girl getting stran- 
gled, however it | |, really put 


whipped cream and a on the 
whole mess. We should have cleared ten 
to fifteen grand apiece." 

very sad stor I said. 
"But I've heard it from before 


Don't let it become an obsession.” 

He removed his sunglasses and eyed 
me speculatively. "Of course, the oper 
ation wasn't a complete failure," he com- 
mented, "You did bag the painting." 
arily on the couch and leaned 
k against a cushion, "That's 


I said. 

You still have it, don't you?" he 
inquired, 

nodded 

"Here?" he asked. 

"No, Maurice. Is that why you cam 
1 suppose with the last two Ramsay sisters 
dead, you've decided it’s safe to peddle 
that picture—and safe to be associated 
with me again. 

He smiled, his eyes like decimal points, 
then shrugged. "You have to admit, Ar 
nold, it does remove some of the risks. 
But why be bitter? The fact is I've 
established contact with a dealer in Dub- 
lin—a nice, discreet man who does busi 
ness with other nice. discreet people in 
various parts of the world. He offered 
to help us out.” 

"Very kind of him," I said dr "How 
much docs his help amount to—in dollars 
and cent 

"He'll pay five thousand—twenty-five 


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PLAYBOY 


238 huge, m: 


hundred for you, twenty-five hundred for 
me." 

"You must think I'm mentally deficient. 
Twenty-five-hundred. dollars," I said in 
disgust. “This man's a dealer? What does 
he deal in—rags and bottles? The paini 
ing is valued at more than a hundred 
thousand. If he sells it for only a third 
of that price, he's still robbing us blind. 
Listen, the last time we discussed this— 
the time you didn't want to know me—I 
was asking ten grand, Now, because the 
risks have diminished, 1 want fifteen.” 

“Oh, come on, Arnold! Be reasonable,” 
my cousin exclaimed, jiggling his sun- 
glasses in annoyance, “Five thousand is 
good money for an item as hot as that 
painting is. The guy can't move it free- 
ly. He can't show it to auctioneers or mu- 
scums or fancy galleries or rich collectors. 
He has to peddle it from under his coat. 
I thought you'd be happy. 1 thought I 
was bringing you glad tidings for Christ- 
mas. The paintings valuable only if 
you've got an outlet, To you personally, 
it’s worthless—worse than worthless. If 
you get caught with it in your possession, 
the judge will send you up for fifty 
years. So what do you say? Twenty-five 
hundred. It’s money for moonbeams.” 

“Fifteen thousand,” I repeated stolidly. 
"And that's for me alone, Maurice. Your 
share will be whatever you can hustle 
over the fifteen. 

He stood. "I won't argue. I know when 
I'm licked,” he said resignedly. "Hey— 
get me a glass of water, will you? I've 
talked myself dry—and you never offer 
à person a drink or anything 

“This isn't the Holiday Inn," I told 
him, but I got up and went out to the 
kitchen. 

When I returned, he was button 
grayserge coat and contemplat 
Modigliani reproduction. with 
distaste, After drinking the water, he set 
the glass on the coffee table, asked me to 
keep in touch and then departed, I was 
happy to see him go. 

. 

It’s true what psychiatrists preach about 
the unconscious mind. It does continue 
to labor while the rest of you is busy 
grappling with other Mine 
must have been churning furiously, be- 
cause the minute I lay down to take a 
nap, I was assailed by a host of ideas. In- 
stead of sleeping, therefore, I carried on 
a gloomy conversation with myself like a 
character in an Elizabethan t 

What produced this cerebral 
I suppose it was Maurice's mentioning 
the oil painting and the bungled burglary. 
Not that I hadn't done a great deal of 
pondering and soul-searching about the 
Ramsays already—I had, indeed—yet ra- 
When 
d 
x on it, I was serious. But perhaps 
the eerie aura that seemed to fill those 
gnificent rooms belonged less 


ng his 
g the 
obvious 


problems. 


tional explanations still eluded me 
I told my cousin I thought the house | 


to the house itself than to the people who 
lived in it 

Why had Helga invited me there that 
night? Was it really for an evening of 
romance? Is that why she resented Ulla's 
unexpected appearance? Or were Helga's 
plans more sinister? The revolver had 
been surprisingly handy. And hitting Ulla 
with the shears—that was a drastic reac- 
tion to an intrusion. Unaccountable be- 
havior. If I hadn't stopped her from 
striking again, she might have killed her 
sister before my eyes. And she had clout- 
ed me, too, I still had a bump over my 
car. 

Rolling to a new position on my 
wretched bed, I made an effort to switch 
I the soliloquy. It failed. The questions 
kept forming faster than ever. Was Helga 
a homicidal maniac? Why had she shot 
at me the night of the burglary? I'd 
begged her not to, yet she had pulled the 
Given those circumstances, was 
that a normal reaction? I didn't think it 
could be, Beautiful the girl had been, 
she must have had a loose cog somewhere. 
‘That afternoon in the pub, her manner 
had appeared a trifle quirky—all that 
talk about her family. It was as if she'd 
been offering me an explanation—but an 
tU And afterward, I 
didn't see her for a couple of week: 
culiar, Then, out of the blue, came that 
urgent invitation. Why? What was Ulla's 
role ‘in the charade? She really did think 
I strangled Marta, Was it true? Maybe, 
Maybe the Ramsays were sane and I was 
the lunatic. Maybe, in some way, I'd been 
responsible for the fire, too, and had 
contrived a cover story to placate my 
conscience 

And recently, Td been part of a lot of 
strange goings on. Tyrone Crabtree had 
tried to kill me—and so had the Julians, 
when I was on the gangplank. Poor Ho- 
gan Guilfoyle had died because of my 
treachery. Then there was the 
And Wilfred Sloan, dropping dead at the 
wheel of his Lincoln 12 hours before he 
was due to pay me $7000, 

Faster and faster, I paced the floor. My 
brain seemed ready to boil over. What 
were the answers to all these questions? if 
I wasn’t crazy yet, it was only a matter of 
time before 1 would be 

At this crucial point in my frenzied 
cogitations, a ray of light suddenly pene- 
trated the murky mists that surrounded 
me. Up from my unconscious came a vital 
recollection—a scrap of hard, tangible 
evidence, How could Ulla have seen me 
strangle Marta? How could she have seen 
me in Marta's bedroom? Throughout the 
burglary, I had worn that awful stocking 
mask—and it was absolutely inconceiv- 
able that 1 would have removed it, mur- 
dered the girl and pulled it back on 
again. Even a madman wouldn't have 
behaved quite as erratically as that. 

I had to talk to somebody. The logical 
person was Barney, and the sooner I 
spoke to him, the better. 


explanation of wh 


s. Pe- 


1 put my shoes on and donned a sweat- 
er, my jacket and the raincoat: but when 
I looked for my keys, they weren't on the 
table by the door or in any of my pock- 
ets. Almost immediately, I realized where 
they had gone. Maurice. He was the only 
person who could have taken them, But 
what did he want with my keys? 

Then I remembered the painting—and 
his casual question, "Do you have it 
here?” 

"The bastard's gone to Bay 
Road!" I wailed, "And he'll te 
place apart until he finds it." 

Without keys, I couldn't even use my 
car. I had to grab a taxi, Though there 
was slush on the streets, we made good 
time. At stop lights, the driver stared at me 
in his rearview mirror, because I was 
mumbling to myself like a loony. As we 
halted in front of my house, I noticed a 
bunch of people on the corner. Fresh pre 
sentiments rushed into my brain, min- 
gling with those that were there already. 

"What now?" I whispered 

I overpaid the cabby and hurried tc 
ward the crowd. A police car was parked 
by the curb, its radio croaking staccato 
messages. As I drew near, I saw a trickle 
of blood in a crack in the sidewalk. It 
ran from the center of the mob to the 
fire hydrant, where it fc 
let puddle. Before going 
sed and gulped some air, Then a 


State 
r the 


med 


base of à 
a small, sc 
1p 
bystander left, and through the resulting 
gap. 1 glimpsed Maurice sprawled on the 
pavement. He was in his shirt sleeves and 
his torso looked unnaturally flat. His 
eyes were wide-open, but it was obvious 
from his crushed skull that he wasn't sec- 
ing anything. The expression on his 
rigid f c of resentment, I gulped 
more air. 

Both dead?" a man to my right asked 
in a hushed voice. 

"Sure," another man replied. “They 
must've died the instant they hit the 
ground. Five stories, they dropped. That 
ain't the same as falling off a barstool,” 

1 elbowed my way forward, craning my 
neck to see. A dozen feet from where 
Maurice lay, Tyron Crabtree was 
stretched out on his back. Rosettes of 
splattered blood made a red wreath 
around his hulking body. His bullethead 
was caved in on one side, so that it re- 
sembled a large, partially deflated ball. 
Flowing sluggishly from his nostrils down 
to his chin was a crooked, glistening riv- 
ulet of gore. 

“The big guy tried to burgle an apart- 
ment up there and the small guy caught 
him," a woman behind me declared. 
“There was a battle and the two of them 
went through the window.” 

I could see Mr. Chernyshevski, the 
building superintendent, talking to a 
stocky policeman, who was scribbling in 
notebook. ‘Then my eyes returned to 
Maurice and I spotted what I hadn't 
spotted before. Beneath my cousin's out- 
flung left arm was the little oil painting. 


"was 


y 1 to tremble. I lowered 
my head, raised my coat collar and start- 
ed backing out of the crowd. 

. 

I headed for Barney Slocum's. 

"How you doing, Arnold?” he said. 
"You look upset about something. Can 1 
get you a drinkz" 

A drink—yes. "That's what 1 need," T 
nswered gratefully, dropping exhausted 
into an easy chair. 

He went out of the room, and when 
he returned. he had a bottle of Cour. 
voisier and two snifters. As soon as he 
stopped pouring. 1 drank. It was powcr- 
ful stuff and scemed to help my nerves. 
Maurice is dead," I announced. 

"Maurice Fitjjames?" he asked, look 
ing at me sharply. 

"Yes. He's dead, Barne 

“But 1 was talking to him only yester- 
day in Brookline. 1 sold him an Imari 
bowl,” Barney said in a shocked tone 

“I hope you got paid, because if you 
didn't, you're out of luck," I said 
"He gave me cash. When did it 
ppen?"* 

Just this afternoon." 

Then. after another sip of brandy, I 
told him the whole story from the very 
inning. The words gushed from my 
mouth like soda water from a spigot— 
my cousin's proposition, the Ramsay house 
nd the three sisters, how 1 rented the 
basement apartment and broke through 
the wall, how I sneaked in and took the 
painting and how I almost got shot but 
managed to escape in the dark 

Barney grimaced, licked his lips and 
said, “A girl got strangled on that job. 1 
»out it in the Record." 

True,” 1 answered promptly. “I wasn't 
the party responsible, though. For a while 
I thought I might have killed her without 
remembering it—during one of my fits of 
inesia— but now I'm convinced it never 
happened that way." 

“So who did it, then?" 

"I don't know, Barn—I don't know 
The Ramsays were weird people and they 
were rich—two million dollars rich. 
When the parents died, the oldest sister 
inherited the entire estate and the young, 
cr girls were left with nothing. Moncy 
and murder aren't exactly strangers to 
cach other in this world.” 

I went on with my narrative, relating 
the circumstances of my meeting Helga in 
the alley, of our date at the pub and of our 
second encounter and her ardent invita 
tion to the house. ‘Then 1 described the 
mad sequence of events after my arrival 
and gave a vivid account of the fire and 
the incineration of the sisters. 

“Jesus!” Barney said, tuggi 
ly on his black beard. 

Next, 1 explained how I had caught 
cold standing in the snow, how Maurice 
had visited me and how he had stolen my 
keys. At that point, I had to introduce 
the Craburees. I told of the intercepted 
phone call at Guilfoyle’s, of the old lady's 


beg 


nervous 


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PLAYBOY 


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slick attempt to swindle me and of my 
life-and-death struggle with ‘Tyrone on 
the rooftop. 
“Jesus!” Barney repeated, his eyes wide. 
“The 1. and proceeded 
10 give him a fast résumé of the gruesome 


^s more," ] s 


scene Fd just wimessed on Bay State 
Road. 
Mier 1 finished, neither of us spoke 


I drank my brandy 
"wn 


for at least a minut 
while 


Barney sat € 


a turquoise 
brocade upholstered chair and shook his 
head like a m 
blackjack, Even 


| who'd been hit with a 
ly. he moaned a cow 


ple of times and then remarked, “You're 
inar hornet's-nest situation, Arnold. 
It's. practically a debacle.” 

"A debacle? It's the end of the world," 


1 said. “A 
ment to snatch that oil painting, but he 
was caught by Tyrone, who thought he 
was me. The two of them fought 
out the window together. | 
Maurice pulled one of his karate tricks at 
the last moment—something that caused 
Tyrone to lose his balance. Considering 
what a the crazy bastard was, 
that’s the only explanation, And my cous- 
in probably had the painting in his hand 
when he was attacked. And when the cops 
identify the painting. they're g 
want to talk to me. Only I'm not going to 
be available, I'm heading for Texas or 
California or western Canada. ‘The trou 
ble is, Barney, all my money is in the 
bank in New Hampshire. and tomorrow's 
Christmas. I can't go back to the basement 
apartment, so for a day or two, T need a 
place to hole up.” 

“You can stay here,” said Barney. "You 
can use my wife's room, bec 
Nassau for the holidays. Anyhow, Arnold. 
you c funds out of that 
bank llion years. The po 
lice aren't. feeble-minded, you know. If 
you try drawing money out of your ac 
count. the Boston dicks will be waiting 
for you. No, it's better you don't make 
any sudden, irrational movements like 
that, 1 want to help you, but naturally 
I don't want to get nailed for harbor 
ing a fugitive or for being an accessory 

"Thanks, Barney. I appreciate your 
Still, T can't remain here for 
ot to get out while the get 


urice dashed over to my apart 


monster 


use she's in 


kindness 
ever. I've 
ting’s good. 

Stroking his beard like a Biblical p 
tiarch, he said, "Play it cool. Hopefully 
we'll find a viable solution. Arnold, that 
photo in the Record—when 1 saw it, it 


gave me a jolt.” 
Helga’s picture? Why?" I asked. 
Because she looked famili; aces as 


sy. I 
wee arlier 
lk Downs. The 
y lovey-dovey 


you d 


pretty as t 
remembered seeing her 
with a guy I knew 
two of them were 
that day; otherwis i've gone over 
and hello. It was the first time 
I ever anybody feeling up a 
woman at the five-dollar window. Usually, 
horse players are too busy for such 


said 
saw 


extracurricular activities, The 
way, was Maurice Fitzjames.” 
“You saw my cousin with Hel, 
"Right—with the doll who tri 
shoot vc 


guy, by the 


1 to 
n't it? 


A funny coincidence, 


And after I read the story under the 
picture, it didn't take me long to dope 
out that you were probably the burglar 


in the case, For a month, Maurice had 
been questioning me—wanting to know 
your capabilities in that line of work— 
and thoug! 


jobs for him, I had to admit you were 


I wasn't keen on your doi 


2 


first-class operator 

“Maurice with Hel 

The bastard.” 

So those were my conclusions,” Barney 
went on smugly. "But I 
also. Why should that girl get strangled? 
And why should Maurice's friend fire a 
gun at you? Knowing what a nonviolent 
type you are, none of it made much 
sense.” 

“Let me think. I had some suspicions, 
only they were too vague, Let me think, 
Barney. Let me think.” 

Go ah 


* I said, stunned. 


st 


was mystified, 


d. The whole enterprise gave 
off an aroma. It had to be phony—a fan 
cy scam. Maurice was working. I guessed 
it was an insurance swindle him and this 
ritzy broad were conspiring on—because 
of the very valuable painting—and that 
it went haywire somewhere. Whatever the 
immick was, though, it smelled putrid— 
and very hazardous, too." 


in both h: 
] mutt 


I dutched my head 
urice and He 
"Sure—and Ulla thought i 
"You're white as a she 

pour n 


v. 
Courvoisier in 


getting up tc 


my glass. “I figured you didn't know 
what you were involved in, Arnold 
You're a different caliber of guy from 
your cousin—and always have been. I 


dead man, but he 
ruthless—if 


don't want to knock 
had an indination to be 
you get what I mean." 

“Barney, they planned it together," I 
said, as the puzzle pieces clicked into 
place. "They planned it and cast me as 
the scapegoat, Do you understand? The 
night of the fire, Helga told me I had to 
take the blame and th 
was going to shoot me." 

"The blame for what? The robbery? 
How would that be profitable to them? 
If you're laying there dead, they couldn't 
say you stole anything, could they?" 

“No, but the whole robbery was only 
a blind. Maurice set me up. He got me 
and, while I was 
the other 


was why she 


to break into the house 
there, he 
two sisters,” 

Barney's eyes registered bewilderment. 
what reason, exactly?” he asked 

“Money, money, money. Can't you see? 
If Helga was the sole survive 
herit the family 
and Maurice could get married and live 
happily ever alter." 


intended to murder 


She'd in- 


fortune—and then she 


“Jesus, what a finagler!" 
"Yes, except he muffed it,” I said wi 
satisfaction, “The oldest sister es 
and locked herself in her room, which 
them with the job half done. She was the 
girl who cláimed to have seen me strangle 
Marta, the who died—but I 
wearing a stocking mask, How could she 
identify me? The man she actually 
was Maurice. He did it, Barney. Maurice 
was in the house upstairs all the time 
I was wandering around downstairs. And 
Helga was downstairs, too—waiting for 
me with a loaded revolver. He kills the 
women and she kills me. Then he I 
and she phones the cops, who come and 
find an open-and-shut case of murder by 
an intruder who was shot dead by one 
of his intended victims. Beautiful. The 
dirty bastards, My own cousin—he tried 
to destroy me. And that was why he had 
to know the precise time I was sneaking 
into the house. We were like brothers— 
like twins—and he was sending me to be 
slaughtered. 
“Very immoral and unserupulous,” said 
Barney reprovingly. “What happened 
afterward, though? They must have been 
pretty shook when you got away and they 
were left with a corpse on their hands." 
"I bet they were, Under those circum 
who wouldn't be? But you have 
to give them credit, because they didn't 


one was 


aves 


stances, 


ads, They brazened it out 
cops the originally 


lose their h 
Helga told the 


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Le 


that she fired at a bur 
glar—and Ulla, the older sister. couldn't 


contradict it, since she had no way 


planned story 


knowir 


what was really going on. Still 
was suspicious, and said as much the 


ht of the fire. No 


rm in the apple was me. 1 knew a lot 


Barney—the only 


more than Ulla, But Cousin Maurice 
around that difficulty by using some clev 
er con, First, to put me on the defensive 
handling of the job. 
Then he raised the matter of my mental 


he criticized my 


blackouts to throw a smo| 


the murder and scare the hell out of me 
For a couple of weeks, Maurice avoided 
me, not wanting to be implicated: but 


ilter things got quiet again, he tried to 


talk me into a second attempt on the 


house, so he and Helga could complete 


their. treacherous enterprise wouldn't 


go for it, though 


Yeah," said Barney, his forehead 
wrinkled in concentration, “And when 
he saw that, he executed the next logical 


movement. He told the girl to mak 


play for you 
Right. Like a dope, 1 fell for it, 100 


She said come to the house and 


come f 
did. Maurice must have been upstai 
waiting, the same as before, Sure, sure 
Mter the fire sta 
cellar, 1 heard 
the floor above my head, It was him, run 
They figured to kill Ulla 


ind me and have Helga tell the cops that 


ted and I was in the 


ose heavy footsteps on 
ning for his life 


I'd tried to rob the place a second time 
She probably would have led them to the 
hole in the wall, too, because she and 
Maurice knew about it by then. If they 


hadn't known, he couldn't. have found 


me so easily when he came looking 
the oil painting. And the painting was 


his last chance to make a profit on the 


whole disastrous scheme 
I picked up the snifter and hac 
drink of brandy 


Varneyv glanced at me 
uneasily 


Ulla frustrated their second perform 


ince by being suspicious and stayin 


arrival didn't 


wake, I suppose. My ear 
help the plot, either, A tragedy of errors. 
hat night, I couldn't grasp it all 

couldn't. understand why Ulla accused 
Helga of hiring 


der. Everythin 


me to commit the mur 


was jumbled in my mind. 
I grabbed 


her arm, which must have been a signal 


But Helga had screamed whe 


to Maurice upstairs that complications 
had developed. Then the wee fell over 
ind the room dissolved in fire 

Suddenly, I was so fatigued I could 
scarcely sit erect. My eyelids were heavy 
my arms and legs leaden. I slumped in 
the chair and asked feebly, “How could 


they do it to me, Barney? Did Maurice 


hate me—or did he think it was only 
mother business deal?” 
Arnold: 


man nature is a very unreliable thing," 


Who can say Nobody, Hu 


answered Barney sententiously. “Anyway 


they're both dead now and you're still 


iive hy worry about it 


restlessly for three hours, as 


loped through my brain. Ir 


one, I was standing before a building 


| skyscraper—and people I knew kep 
tumbling out of the windows. Falling 


they seemed frighteni real, but whe 


n 
they hit the ground, they all shattered 
into glittering white fragments, Then I 
recognized that they were made of 
ivory—like netsukes 


M a quarter to seven in the evening 


I went back downstairs and found Barne 
sitting alone in the kitchen, eating Chi 
nese food. “You look better. Help your 
self to some dinner." he said genially 


While you were sleeping, I went to 


r apartment house to see what wa 
happening." he said 
Were the bodies still there I asked. 


Nah, but | saw bl 
walk. The janitor was hosing 
We hi 
learned an interestir 

What was that 1 

Well, I inquired as te 
tims were 


1 on the side 


it down 


a conversation, him and me, 1 


» who the vic 
ind the man told me he only 
knew one of them—tenant of his named 
Arnold Hopkins. 

He thought Maurice was me 

Yeah. Why shouk Alter. all 
the stiff looks like Arnold Hopkins and 
it fell W 
He doesn't know Maurice, does he 
I replied, and shoveled a fork 
d into my mouth 
said Barney, "After 


ward, | phoned the cops and asked a 


n Arnold Hopkins wind 


ful of foo 
So there you are 


few innocc as. I made belie 


questi 


I was a neighbor 


save them a phony 
name. E asked how Arnold Hopkins was 
ind could they tell me the hospital he 


was in. They told me Arnold Hopkins 


lead on arrival 


What about his 


But that's cr 


wallet—his driver's license and cred 
cards 


They mustn't have the wallet, Ar 


nold. You mentioned he was lying 


in his shirt sleeves, didn't you 


Ye 


element 


ind that's a significant 
Maurice 


ried his billfold in his jacket. Remem: 


‘ou did 
because always car 
ber? Without the jacket. the police got no 
identification—except the janitor. I figure 
Maurice took his jacket off while he was 
searching for the picture—took it off and 


draped it on a chair or hun: 


g it in the clos 
ill be there 
Sooner or 


et, maybe. The wallet must st 
I stopped eating 


they'll discover their mistake, 


How? The only person who ¢ 
Arnold Hopk 


und the cops have r 


that cadaver isn't 


your dentist 


| whatever to check with him. Nah 
they're certain it's you—which opens up 
some interesting avenues of possibility 

I replied thoughtfully 
If they think I'm dead, they won't 


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looking for me. I can leave without wor- 


rying and start a whole new life.” 
Barney Slocum gave me a sly, side- 

ce. "Why leave?" he asked 

Because if I stay, someone will rec 


long g 


ognize me—thar's why.” 
Not if you become Maurice Fitz 
james," he said 
"Are you kidding, Barney? No. No, 
thanks. I've had enough adventures to last 
me for a while. This isn't the movies. A 
masquerade like that would never work.” 
I disagree, Arnold. If we formulate a 


sitive you 


careful plan. of action, I'm p 


can bring it off. You just don't fully 
realize the close resemblance there is 
between you and your cousin. Believe 
me, it's uncanny 


Your idea is uncanny," I 


You forget my nerves are all 


t a decent night's sleep, 


can't even 


so how am I 


ing to cope with a com 


plicated impersonation? The ssure 


would be tremendous 
What pressure? What complications? 
Once you slip a pair of those wrap 


iround sunglasses on, you'll be home free 


This is a chance-ofa-lifetime situation," 


It isn't that simple, Barney." I pro. 


tested, “There's the painting and the 


strangled girl to consider. Anyone a 


ciated with Arnold Hopkins is going ʻo 
be interviewed by the homicide squad. 
ind E couldn't stand up under a grilling 
Barney 
In't do 


much business together, Anyhow, I'm 


They won't bother you,” said 


confidently. “You and Maurice 


oretty sure they don't even know the 
Li 

minting is stolen property yet. The cop 
l g prop l 


on thè phone wasn't interested in me at 


all—and he certainly would 


have been 
if he knew about Arnold Hopkins’ con 
nection with a murder and a stolen mas 


terpiece. ‘They don't know, and ma 
they never will know, Besides you and 
those dead girls, who could identify that 
picture? Probably just a handful of rela 
tives who live in St. Louis or Denver or 
someplace. ‘To tell the truth, Arnold. 
it wouldn't surprise me if the painting 
weren't even in the cops’ possession, A 


med it, Or 


bystander might have 


maybe it got left on the sidewalk and a 


it 


litle old lady picked it up and t 
home to stick on her bureau, Funny inci 
dents happen, you know." 


I closed my eyes and tried to think 


rney, and they'd have me 


One slip, 


cold. Vd be blamed for everything—all 


the way back to the Boston. Massacre 
ative,” he answered 


roll at me. “What you 


You're too 


pointing an € 


should do is get those sunglasses, go to 
Berkeley Street and say you heard your 
cousin was killed. ‘The police won't give 
you a hard time, They'll be glad if a next 
of kin takes the 

Why would I have to do that?" I 
ked, horrified at the prospect. “The 
minute 1 walk in, they'll notice the re 


dy off their hands. 


semblance between us 


"No they won't. You'll be wea 
hat and a big woolly scarf, plus the da 


glasses. Anyhow, what with one th 


and another, Maurice ain't going to be 
, is he? As regard 


» it, Arnold, it's 
because that way you can claim his be 


in the best of conditio 


to why you have to 


longings—especially the keys to his shop 


ind his apartment. Probably your keys 


will be there, too, and if you get them, 


you give them to me and T'll dash over 

to Bay State Road and collect that jacket 
with his wallet—after which we'll have 
the entire operation stabilized. There 
an acquaintance of mine who can copy 
atures like a Xerox. With your face 

ig this guy's checks at Maurice’s 
ill be mere child's play. And the 

in Brookline is a 


gold mine. I 
figure Maurice's stock alone will run fifty 
grand minimum, So what do you say? We 


could split the melon down the middle 


ls a mouth-watering proposition," 1 
idimitted. "OK, Barn, l'll try it—but if 


things start going wrong, I'll be off like 


Don't worry, We'll do marvelous,” he 


replied, caressing his black beard and 


ming. “Nobody will t wise—ever 


t, Maurice 


Right," 1 said, not too confidently 
" 


sses and a wide 


Wearir 


brimmed hat, I went to the city mortu 


ay on Massachusetts. Avenue the day 
after Christmas, identified my cousin's 
1 for 
his burial and returned t0 Barney's 


house on Joy Street with all the keys 


broken body as my own, arrar 


No dilliculties arose. That same morning 
I got a fourdollar razor haircut on Tre 
mont Street, while my coconspirator 


hustled over to Bay State Road and 


picked up the jacket and the wallet. My 
ipartment was a shambles, Barney said. 
drawers dumped. furniture dismantled 


stery slashed—but Maurice had fas 


upl 
tidiously hung his coat in the hall clos 
In the afternoon, the two of us drove 


to Brookline and entered the dead m: 
1 


five-room flat, where we found check 


books, savings-bank passbooks, s mu 
nicipal bonds and a satin-lined box of 


ld ducats. That 
1 


19i Century Austrian 


was three weeks ago. So far, we've re 


close to $40,000 on these items, and we 
haven't cashed the bonds yet 

I've been running Maurice's store, too. 
In my stylish haircut, dark glasses and 
fashionable suits, I'm his mirror imag 
M first, 
1 pretended to have a bad head cold and 


No one seems to suspect a thin 


spoke rarely, but now my selfassuranc 

is such that I'm able to act quite natural 

ly. There have actually been moments 

wn I felt I was Maurice Fitzjames— 

loony as that may sound. 
l 


Barney was right; the store i 


mine. His share of the proceeds 


od. he's seriously thinkin, 


his rich wife and marryin; 


No mention of the oil painting ap 


accounts 


peared in any of the newspap: 
of the deaths of Maurice and Tyrone 


Probably, the cops didn't expect to find 
a valuable picture in that neighborhood 
and have tossed it away—just as Barney 
said they might. I haven't received any 
visits from them, either 

Nevertheless, I can't claim to be happy 


Yesterday, 1 had an amnesia attack that 


lasted 25 minutes. I often smell smol 


too—burn 


pine needles. At night, when 
it happens. I leap out of bed in terror 
. 


as 1 was leaving a Brattle 


On Friday 
Street coffee shop, I saw the Devil and 


Xochimilco. They were strolli 
i 


along 
in the winter sunshine. Merendaro, there 


fore, isn't in a sanitarium—and Xochi 


milco lied to me. I once read somewhere 
that devils speak the truth only when 
they're sure you won't believe them. 

Is the Devil really the Devil? 1 won 
der. Hogan Guilfoyle signed a contract 


with him—and, not | fter, he 


Then I signed one, and what happened 


1 was shot at, almost thrown off a roof 
and narrowly missed being burned alive 
Yes—and Maurice, my double, was killed 

There’s also the case of Wilfred Sloan 
the English Oriental dealer. When he 


bought my netsukes, he mentioned 


rowing money from a crazy Latin Ameri 
can who refused repayment, which got 
him in trouble with the income-tax 
people. Could that Latin American be 
the Devil? 1 can't ask Sloan now. Like 


he's dead. 


Guill 
Perl 


os none of these weird ideas 


ive occurred to me if I hadu't 
been present at that hellish fire on Com 
monwealth Avenue. Any aberrations I'm 
experiencing were born there, Why? Be 


cause when Ulla Ramsay came staggering 


toward me enveloped in flame, her bi 


ing veil disintegrated and I caught a 
glimpse of her face Admittedly, 1 was 


befuddled with horror, and there was no 


e of sr lare for the er 


ation of 


optical illusions, yet I'm abso. 


lutely certain the features 1 saw at that 


moment were those of F Merendaro 


ind he was smiling at me, Even now, I 


can conjure up in my mind that brown 


oval countenance with its bl 


ful expres 
While I live, I'm not likely ever to 


t it, either 


OF course, it's still possible it wasn't 
the Mexican at all—that I'm really only 
insane. But if it was him, what can 1 do: 
Is the situation hopeless? Not necessarily 
Maybe, like everybody else, he believes 
I'm dead. Or, barring that, maybe on 


day TIl c 


ne across a Jonathan Wild 


tea towel—the rarest and most precious 


kind—and the Devil and I can negotiate 


a whole new deal. 


Th the 
a-Brac Man. 


Durk Prowrr 


“It’s over two thousand miles to Californey— 
e got to stop and rest sometime!" 


you's 


247 


Pll 


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=m 


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My old college roommate is a Zenmaster at picking up 
women. According to him, success is always the result of 
simple choices: For example, do you confine your activities 
to darkness or are you open to encounters at all hours of 
the day? One night, to prove his point, he took me to Max- 
well's Plum. 

Maxwell's is an institution, a palace of Tiffany stained 
glass and art nouveau statuary, inhabited by nondenomina- 


tional American princesses. It is the place to meet women 
in New, York. The men who go there assume that the wom- 


en who go there are aware of that reputation and will act 
accordingly. Sort of like the salmon who return mysterious- 
ly to the stream in which they were born to spawn the next 
generation: Haven't | seen you somewhere before? 

There were women at Maxwell's, beautiful women. But 
meaningful conversation was out of the question. (The 
owners reportedly have to change the house plants every 
two weeks, the level of small talk being insufficient to sup- 
port crab grass.) The only guys who seemed to be making 
out were the regulars who had arrived hours early to stake 
out the 12 available bar stools. While the rest of us prac- 
ticed hip checking and broken-field stumbling, those dudes 
drank wine spritzers and offered to buy drinks for thirsty 
ladies. They did not offer their stools. (Some plan on willing 
their thrones to male heirs.) The situation seemed hopeless 
1 would have had better luck trying to pick up one of the 
brass nudes screwed to the floor 

My ex-roommate told me not to despair, that | should 
come back in during the day. Figuring to get a jump on 
the regulars, ! called in well and showed at Maxwell's at 
12 noon. The early worm gets the bird. To my surprise, a 
line of stunning women was waiting for the doors to open. 
The Mongol horde was not in sight. | approached the last 
girl in line and asked the obvious question: What's a nice 
girl like you doing in a place like this at this hour? Having a 
three-hour lunch. With me? Sure, why not? 

The matinee at Maxwell's was a revelation. My college 
buddy explained: "Man is not a nocturnal predator. The 
ability to climb down out of the trees and roam the African 
veld under the blazing sun made us what we are. Night 
life is unnatural. Why fight the crowds? Afternoons are a 
time of grace, free from pressure, anxiety, competition. 
Filled with sunshine and unescorted women. Darkness 
makes a woman defensive. She'll put up a fight and by the 
time she surrenders, if she surrenders, you go home to a 
ménage à trois in which the third party is exhaustion. What 
a difference the day makes: You are at your best. So is she. 
And if you're good, you can use the night for an encore." 

Of course, he was right. Check out the hunting ground 
in your own town. Museums, parks and shops during lunch 
hour. (Schoolyards during recess?) It's not safe to walk the 
streets at night, but in the day you can discover a new city, 
and new friends. 

If enough people catch on to the advantages of the 
"afternoon delight,” | might have Maxwell's Plum all to 
myself some night. — JAMES R. PETERSEN 


ILLUSTRATION BY B28BI PEARLMAN 


FITNESS. 


RUNNING ON A HEALTH TICKET 


When ptaysoy decided to publish Dr. J. E. Schmidt's 
“Jogging Can Kill You!” in our March issue, we knew we 
were going to stir up some controversy. But we were hardly 
prepared for the blizzard of mail that descended upon us 
from an outraged jogging fraternity (which evidently has 
more members than Sigma Chi) and from doctors and physi- 
cal therapists whose faith in the benefits of jogging was un- 
shaken by Dr. Schmidt's heavy blows. Among those who 
wrote to us at length was Dr. Kaj Johansen, who is with the 
Department of Surgery of the University of California, San 
Diego. We found his comments, which follow, reasonable 
enough to offer here as counterpoint to Dr. Schmidt's piece. 


s a physician with some experience in long-dis- 
tance running and a fair amount of background 


and interest in exercise physiology, ! searched 
repeatedly but in vain for some evidence that Jogging Can 


Kill You! was written with Dr. J. E. Schmidt's tongue in 
cheek. I've been forced to conclude that it was in earnest 
The startling title notwithstanding, Dr. Schmidt doesn't 
even mention the few important cautions of jogging—traf- 
fic or heat stroke or triggering previously silent heart disease 
in the middle-aged by exercising without an initial stress 
electrocardiogram. Instead, he restricts himself to a bizarre 
listing of the alleged effects of impact and momentum on 
joints, intervertebral disks, the female breast, the uterus, 
the veins and the inguinal canal. Suffice it to say simply that 
Dr. Schmidt is wrong: There is no evidence that jogging 
either directly or secondarily causes joint or disk disease, 
sagging breasts, uterine prolapse, varicose veins or groin 
hernias. Ironically, a far better case can be made that the 


standard American slothfulness and inactivity, with the ac- 
companying loss of abdominal and back muscle tone, and 
pooling of venous blood in the extremities, cause these 
problems. 

Indeed, there develops an increasing body of scientific 
evidence supporting the lifesaving benefits of chronic vig- 
orous exercise. While we cannot yet certify that fit people 
live longer, there is no doubt that they significantly reduce 
their incidence of fatal heart attacks. For example, there has 
never been a documented coronary death of a person who 
has completed a marathon race; further, heart-attack victims 
in exercise rehabilitation programs in Honolulu and Toronto 
have a vastly lower incidence of repeat coronaries, and some 
of these men, once doomed to an invalid existence and an 
early death, have completed marathon runs. 

The explanation for all this seems simple. Those genetic, 


lifestyle and personality factors that we know increase one's 
chances of an early heart attack—smoking, high blood pres- 
sure, elevated blood fats, inactivity, the aggressive "execu- 
tive" (Type A) personality—are absent or markedly reduced 
in people who have made aerobic exercise (running, cy- 
cling, swimming, cross-country skiing) a regular part of 
their daily lives. Add to this the more "human" but no less 
important benefits of jogging: Appetites improve (food, 
drink and sex seem immeasurably more worth while); in- 
somnia, constipation, headaches, low back pain, anxiety 
disappear; muscle tone improves, the skin firms up, the 
posture straightens, with resulting heightened self-image. 
Jogging Can Kill You? Maybe—if you get hit by a truck. 
— KAJ JOHANSEN, M.D. 


249 


250 


FASHION 


CLOTHES HUNT IN GOTHAMS WILDS 


ew York City has its problems, but fashion is not one 

of them. It is fact and not just Big Apple chauvinism 

to say that Manhattan is the nation’s fashion capital. 
It's all here: the buying and the selling, the wholesaling and 
the retailing, the expensive and the cheap, the domestic 
and the foreign, the sublime and the ridiculous. 

In that very abundance, however, can come confusion. 
The question I’m asked most frequently is, “Where is the 
best place to shop for the latest men's fashions?" 

The answer is twofold and the first part is obvious. There 
are many fine specialty and department stores spread out 
along Fifth Avenue and Madison Avenue and clustered in 
adjacent midtown side streets. Worthy of special note in 
the midtown area is Paul Stuart, at Madison and 45th. If 
you want a definition of the American Look (even though 
much of the merchandise is 
made in Europe, it is styled by 
the store to fit its updated tradi- 
tional, post-Ivy image), this is 
the place to find it. Quite sim- 
ply, Paul Stuart is the best spe- 
cialty store for American fashion 
in town. 

Somewhat farther afield are 
the department store that pio- 
neered—and still is a leader— 
with men's fashion merchan- 
dise: Bloomingdale's, at Lexing- 
ton and 59th; and the amazing 
block on East 60th Street be- 
tween Second and Third ave- 
nues, which boasts nearly a 
dozen men's specialty shops. 
(If | were pressed to suggest 
one as the most interesting, ! 
would have to say that Madon- 
na, at 223 East 60th, has the 
choicest array of clothing, fur- 
nishings and accessories on the 
block.) 

And then there's that giant 
supermarket of men's fashions, 
Barney's (Seventh Avenue at 
17th Street. It certainly has 
something for everybody—if 
you have time, stamina and a 
cool head. 

But no matter how smart 
the merchandising, or with- 
it the merchandise of these 
stores, they are the tradi- 
tional fashion places to 
shop. 

Which brings us to the 
second part of my answer. 
There's a whole new phe- 
nomenon in Manhattan re- 
tailing: the neighborhood store. 


RICHARD IZUI 


Far from the mom-and-pop operations of the past, these 
smart young retailers provide excitement off the beaten 
track. And as they become increasingly popular, their cus- 
tomers from other parts are discovering new areas of 
diverse lifestyle pleasures that mark the richly cosmopolitan 
nature of New York living. 

And so, to the point. The following is a recommended 
list of stores somewhat out of the way but well worth the 
visit. It is by no means the complete story, but it should 
serve the purpose of getting you started on the great adven- 
ture of discovering the other New Yorks 

Pour Lui, 150 East 19th (corner Third Avenue)—New guy 
in town emphasis on accessories (gloves, hats, bags) and 
putting things together with understated but unique flair. 

Mazur's, 562 Third Avenue—Also new but with consider- 

able experience at its smaller, 
hole-in-the-wall shop, Gentle 
Ben, 394 Third Avenue (still 
going strong) . . . super sports/ 
casual wear, trousers, sweaters, 
bright colors, special poncho 
raincoats, leather, shoes. 
Jackie Rogers, 787 Madison— 
Expensive but great things. . . . 
Would you believe a see- 
through plastic ski parka lined 
with feathers? . . . Street floor is 
cool sophistication . . . down- 
stairs is “early raunch." 
San Francisco, 975 Lexington 
Avenue—Tweedy look focused 
on beautiful, brightly colored 
Fair Isle sweaters . rugged 
classics. . . . One gets the feel- 
ing San Francisco salvaged the 
luggage it displays from the 
Titanic. 
Charivari for Men, 2339 Broad- 
way, and Charivari Sport, 2345 
Broadway—The two parts en- 
compass an incredible, right-on 
mix, from fairly costly superla- 
tive European fashion to inex- 
pensive American survival gear. 
LeMans, 715 Amsterdam Ave- 
nue—Uníortunate name in an 
unfortunate neighborhood, 
but its customers come 
from miles around to sam- 
ple its sophisticated wares 
(much of it designed by 
co-owner Carl Davis). 

There are others. And the 

enterprising shopper who 

takes the time and effort to 
discover them will find that 
New York, at the very least, is 
a nice place to visit. —pavio PLATT 


AUDIO. 
N ONE EAR AND IN THE OTHER 


esting—or, rather, "tast- 

ing'—a  loud-speaker's 

sound is not unlike 
wine-tasting. You can, after 
some sipping and swallowing, 
pick a good wine without 
ever having set foot in a 
vineyard. You may not even 
know whether grapes grow up 
or down. Similarly, you can 
train yourself to pick a good 
speaker without knowing how 
it's assembled inside the box, 
or whether or not the tweeter 
is made of recycled paper 
tissues, or how such appeal- 
ing terms as diaphragm, com- 
pliance and pumping have 
crept into hi-fi jargon. What 
you will develop is a gut 
reaction. 

Remember that it is the 
midrange of tones (frequen- 
cies) that carries most of 
whatever you hear, including 
music. Say you are listening to 
a recording of Lazar Berman 
perform a Liszt rhapsody and 
the speakers make it sound like the subdued tinkling in 
your favorite cocktail lounge. You may feel pleasantly at 
peace, but you are not listening to very good speakers. 
Aside from the obvious lack of highs, there probably are 
very weak middles. 

On the other hand, if you're trying to dig the nuances 
of a Joan Baez and the speakers make her sound like 
Ethel Merman, you may—depending on your nostalgia 
quotient—suddenly find new rewards in Joan; but be 
warned that it's not stereophony but phony stereo. This 
time, the speakers are distorting wildly; their midrange 
peaks are making everything sound overly bright and 
raucous. This constant stream of overblown highs can, like 
any constant diet of highs, wear you to a frazzle. 

What a good speaker does, simply, is follow the ups and 
downs (in pitch and in loudness) that are in the music; it 
does not add its own ups and downs. So, if you do hear 
too much (or not enough) midrange, make sure that who- 
ever is demonstrating the speakers has not chosen a bum- 
mer of a recording, or moved the amplifier controls way 
off their normal flat settings, or switched in a deadening 
filter, or placed the speakers in parts of the room where 
they sound terrible. 

So use your eyes as well as your ears. Check out the re- 
cording or, better, bring your own. Ask to see the control 
panel of the amp or receiver hooked up to the speakers. 
As for listening rooms, heavy drapes and carpets tend to 
subdue the treble; large glass surfaces (such as store win- 
dows) make speakers sound very bright; sparsely furnished 
areas lend speakers a boxy, or echolike, quality. The best 


room for judging speakers is 
one that is furnished as much 
like a normal domestic set- 
ting as possible. But whatever, 
insist that the models you are 
comparing be played side by 
side. Comparisons become 
meaningless when speaker A 
is in one part of the room and 
speaker B in another. 

In general, the midrange 
should sound smooth, open 
and clear, especially on com- 
plex musical passages. It is 
fairly easy for a speaker to 
sound authentic when all it 
has to do is reproduce a solo 
guitar. But the guitar backed 
up by a combo becomes an 
acoustic challenge that only 
the better speakers can handle. 

A common midrange fault 
is honking, which puts a syn- 
thetic edge on the sound. This 
edge really cannot cut the hi- 
fi mustard. Walk away and 
don't look back. Another mid- 
range problem is the tendency 
to beam the treble tones instead of fan them out evenly. 
You may get an earache when listening directly in front 
of such a speaker (on axis) and hear very little as you 
move to one side. Keep moving—to the next speaker or 
the next store. 

Above the midrange are the superhighs that come from 
the tweeter. You should be able to hear the difference 
between a flute and a high clarinet, or between a violin 
and a viola, or between the top reaches of two sopranos. 
Leontyne Price does not sound like Joan Sutherland, and 
any speaker that says she does is lying to you. Good highs 
also convey the impact of transients—those short, intense 
musical bursts such as plucked strings, the staccato of a 
snare drum or the tinkle of a triangle. 

Below the midrange is the bass, produced by the woof- 
er. Good bass sounds strong and full but also clean. It lets 
you discern, say, a tuba from a bass viol. Listen for defini- 
tion rather than overpowering thumping. A good woofer 
also should let you hear the pitch of each low note on a 
piano keyboard. 

Perhaps the most difficult, but most rewarding, part of 
speaker tasting is putting it all together for a complete im- 
pression after zeroing in on specific tonal ranges. You 
should, in other words, be able to see the forest as well 
as its trees. Given the general virtues of smoothness, tonal 
balance, frequency and dynamic range, there's bound to 
be one model that appeals to your special listening tastes. 

You have been using your senses and your sense to 
choose many of life's pluses—clothes, food, sex partners, 
and so on. Why not speakers? — NORMAN EISENBERG 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD IZUI 


251 


Charles W, Bush 


Going Public 


Andrew Young, the Congressman from Atlanta, is 
hoarse after a hard day of being America's most in- 
fluential black. "Let's see, | met with about ten groups 
today outside of my regular Congressional work," he 
rasps. Andy Young has found himself catapulted 

into the national limelight by his close ties with 
Jimmy Carter. “It never dawned on me that 

it would get so public. | was used to doing 
things in a nonpublic way,” says Young, 


Junking the Junkman 


After five years a junkman, the irrepressible Redd 
Foxx is breaking out of the scrap-metal mold in a big 
way. "I jumped at the chance to do Norman...Is That 
You?, a movie in which my wife runs away with my 
brother and my son comes out of the closet and ad- 
mits to being a homosexual. | wanted to see if | could 
act. | don't honestly think that this film will make peo- 
ple forget Robert Redford and Paul Newman. But I'm 
told ! did pretty good. 

"Even if | don't become a big movie star, I’ve still 
got television—a weekly variety show that I’m produc- 
ing and performing in for the '77 season on ABC. One 
thing that makes me sad is that | won't be able to use 
the Sanford character on that show. NBC would prob- 
ably sue me. What's also sad is the conditions | 
worked under at NBC. | never did a special over there. 
Not one. I never guest-hosted The Tonight Show, even 
though ! worked across the hall from Carson for five 
years. 1 flew to New York and asked the executives at 
NBC for a special or some development money for 
another series, They turned a deaf ear. And | was 
made a villain because I'm claustrophobic and | 
wanted a window in my dressing room. Finally, | made 
up my mind that | was through with NBC.” 


who was for years Martin Luther King, Jr.'s behind-the- 
scenes mediator. “| don't have any definite role in the 
Carter campaign. I’m just a good friend of Jimmy's 
who activated his contacts with movement people.” 
It might be thought that Young's political interest 
would lie strictly in Carter's domestic policies toward 
minorities and the poor. Not so—Young is part of 
Carter's foreign-affairs advisory staff and has already 
made several trips to Africa, the Caribbean and Japan. 
The only question in some minds is: Will Andrew 
Young be our first black Vice-President or our first 
black Secretary of State? 


Brian D. Hennessey 


Happy Coincidence 


Elizabeth Ray has been very good 
to Tom Stoppard. Not that the Tony 
award-winning British playwright 
(Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are 
Dead, Travesties) has ever met 
Washington's most popular secre- 
tary, but her activities have helped 
make his latest play, Dirty Linen, 
into a smash at the London box 
office. Its heroine, a lady aptly 
named Miss Gotobed, is secretary to 
a British governmerit committee in- 
vestigating sexual promiscuity in 
Parliament. Every member of the 
committee has a personal reason for 
trying to conceal Miss Gotobed's 
lack of shorthand and of panties. 
Says Stoppard, “I never set out to 
write a topical play—that would be 
madness. The Washington scandals 
happened after | wrote it. | was hav- 
ing deadline trouble writing a play 
for an American season—l couldn't 
work out anything with an Ameri- 
can connection, So | decided to go 
ahead with Dirty Linen, even though 
it hadn't anything to do with Amer- 
ica!" Then along came Liz to com- 
plete the American connection. 


Checking In 
with Dr. Gonzo 


A movie version of Hunter S. Thomp- 
son's Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas, with 
a screenplay by Larry McMurtry, being 
in the works, we thought we'd see 
what the good Dr. Gonzo himself 
thought of it all. So we called and 
asked. 

"What movie?" Thompson asked 
back. 

"The movie they're making of your 
book.” 

“lf that’s true, you know more about 
it than | do.” 

“Were you approached to do the 
script?” 

"Oh, no. | have no idea who even 
owns it.” 

“We keep wondering how they're 
going to do it.” 

“Well, McMurtry puts an interesting 
twist into it. If | wrote it, people would 
assume it would be even crazier than 
the book.” 

“Who would you cast as yourself if 
you were doing it?” 

“The only one person | could really 
see, because | admire the tremendous 
economy of his behavior on the screen 
and because of a certain genuine iden- 
tification with what | consider my own 
true head, is Peter Lorre.” 

"What's your life like these days?” 

“Oh, it’s quite peaceful. I'm just go- 
ing broke slowly and watching Carter. 
I'm stuck with him, and he is also stuck 
with me.” 


AI Satterwhite 


“Are you going to travel with him?” 
"| hope not. There would be no rea- 
son. I've got to get away from that kind 
of journalism, or journalism period, It's 
the people, man, the people. Journal- 
ism forces you to go out there and as- 
sociate with and become as one for a 
time with people whom under normal 
circumstances you would avoid at all 
costs. Can you imagine living your life 
among those people? Fifteen years ago, 
1 thought | would write a good novel, 
but ! got sidetracked when | was in 
journalism. | think it's about time that 1 
got back to what I really want to do." 

"What's the novel about?” 

Telephone silence. Two seconds, 
three, four. Then a god-awful Tarzan 
shriek. The thunk! thunk! thunk! as the 
receiver is beaten on a table. Our turn. 

"Hello... ?" 

“Texas.” 

“Come again?” 

“It’s about Texas. That's really all 1 
know, Texas is interesting. It’s the only 
state of the Union | don't really know 
and | like all the energy coming out of 
there. It's crazy." 

"When do you intend to get started 
on it?" 

"| shouldn't even be talking to you. 
I should be put somewhere and forced 
to write. However, I'm bigger than 
most people | have to deal with.” 

“How do you force yourself?” 

“1 just think about all my credit cards 
and houses and motorcycles and cars 
and whiskey and drugs that will be 
taken away from me if | don't do it.” 


The South Rises Again 


When you've already produced The 
Sting and Jaws, it takes a pretty large goal 
to make life challenging and producers 
Richard Zanuck and David Brown have 
come up with one: a continuation of Gone 
with the Wind. “We know this is a very 
tough act to follow," says Brown, "and 
we're not making any promises. We're 
aware of the hazards." Foremost among 
them may be casting, and they've already 
decided that the 
principals won't 
look like Clark 

Gable and 

Vivien Leigh. 


“And | don't think we can or want to 
duplicate the original style of the movie," 
says Zanuck. "We'll have to update it... 
but not jarringly.” One thing to count on, 
however, is that Rhett and Scarlett will get 
back together as soon as movie logistics 
permit. “The last scene just cries out for a 
sequel," says Zanuck. "This would have 
been a good idea long before the current 
sequelmania." And though they claim that 
à follow-up to the most popular movie of 
all time wasn't their idea, they've taken to 
the task with enthusiasm. “There never 
has been as sensuous a scene as the 
one in which Rhett sweeps Scar- 

lett up the stairs and virtually 
rapes her," notes Brown. 
Now, there's a challenge. 


Grant Edwards 


254 


WH 


EELS 


THE GREAT CAR CONSPIRACY 


f course it's a conspiracy. Isn't everything from 
the FBI to the Audubon Society part of a vast 
interlocking, diabolically complicated plot to 

keep you and me weak, bankrupt and stupid? | know this 
to be true, having heard lengthy testimony in scores of 
saloons, gas stations and lunch counters across the nation. 
1 even know who the bastards are. It's They. They can do 
whatever They want, based on the rock-bound logic that 
all things are possible if a man can be landed on the moon. 
They could find a cure for cancer. They could have world 
peace or full employment. It's all a matter of fitting it 
into Their grand scheme of the Superconspiracy. 

Like the 100-mile-per-gallon carburetor. Hell, 
we know that's hidden away by Them some- 
where in Detroit or Dallas. That's been 
common knowledge among conspiracy 
fans for decades. Numerous stories have 
leaked out. With variations, they go like 
this: A simple base- 
ment-genius inven- 
tor creates a magic 
carburetor that pro- 
duces 100 miles per 
gallon. But They get 
wind of the creation 
and agents of the 
Oil Biggies and the 
Detroit Cabal swoop 
down and seize the 
wondrous device, 
thereby keeping 
gasoline con- 
sumption at out- 
rageous levels. We 
know the car mak- 
ers are guilty. After 
all, we aren't such 
simple fools as to 
believe that They 
are building cars 
that won't get more 
than 40 mpg, maxi- 
mum, that aren't 
perfectly safe in 50- 
mph crashes or won't last a lifetime without repairs be- 
cause They don't know how. Of course They know! Re- 
member, if They can put a man on the moon. . . . 

Yet you've got to give Them credit. They're subtle devils, 
They are. Look how Detroit lost its ass in '74 and '75—Gen- 
eral Motors no longer the world's largest corporation; 
Chrysler in serious financial shape; Ford and American Mo- 
tors gambling to stay solvent. It's hard to imagine a plot 
so devious that these apparent difficulties can actually be 
components of success; but if you are really into conspira- 
cies, you must integrate all information, be it fact or fiction, 
relevant or irrelevant, into supporting evidence. 

Sure, They could build ultra-efficient, high-mileage 
engines, if They so desired. Look at electric cars—silent, 


emission pure, compact. They could put them on the 
market tomorrow. Forget those excuses about how nobody 
can figure out how to make storage batteries that won't 
make an electric Volkswagen weigh as much as a Patton 
tank, or how electricity would cost you about three 
times as much per mile as gasoline. We know They could 
do it. Just like They could convert to new fuels if the Oil 
Biggies weren't in bed with Detroit. Hell, They could use 
alcohol or propane or even horseshit if They wanted to— 
and never mind that bull about higher costs of refinement 
and operation and special problems of manufacture, effi- 
ciency and pollution control 

What about steam engines? Ah, the magic of 
steam! The simple conversion of water into 
energy. God bless James Watt. But why 
does Detroit keep it hidden under a bar- 

rel? We know why, so we don't have to 
listen to Their feeble excuses about steam 
engines' having sev- 
eral basic prob- 
lems: (1) nearly 
twice the fuel con- 
sumption (you've 
got to burn some- 
thing to heat the 
water) of a contem- 
porary gasoline en- 
gine for comparable 
performance and 

(2) extremely 

complicated and 

highly expensive 
manufacturing 
techniques. 

And then we have 
the magic turbine, 
which Chrysler has 
been hiding from 
the public for 20 
years. How com- 
mitted They must 
be to a dark plot 
to keep this obvious 
improvement on the 
conventional internal-combustion engine off the market 
while They struggle through hard times—and never mind 
Their muttering about the turbine's noise, high manufactur- 
ing cost, fuel consumption, poor acceleration, etc. We 
know better. They know better! 

It is obvious that American car manufacturers are risk- 
ing everything in order to keep a vast supply of miracle 
engines out of the eager hands of the public. How this fits 
into the master conspiracy is confusing, but even now, | am 
heading for my favorite saloon to check out the rumor that 
all the astronauts are driving around in Corvettes owned 
jointly by the CIA, G.M. and Exxon that get 200 miles to the 
gallon on liquefied cement! After all, if They can get 
to the moon.... —BROCK YATES 


MONS VENUS OBSERVED 


There is more to a plucked pussy than meets the eye. 
Most men who find women with shaved mons sexier ex- 
plain their fascination by referring to the Lolita effect: The 
less hair on it, the younger it looks. But according to Dr. 
Leon Salzman, professor of psychiatry at Georgetown Med- 
ical School, fantasies of adolescent nymphs might not be 
all that's going through the fevered brain of the admirer 
of a shorn pubis. Although most men are unaware of it, 
female body hair, says Dr. Salzman, can be a turn-off be- 
cause it makes women seem more masculine. Some men 
prefer their girls as different from themselves as possible. 


INCONCEIVABLE STAND 

Stand up for sex! That's what the women do in Bali. Or, 
rather, they stand up after sex, to practice a unique form 
of birth control. According to the Journal of Bio-energetic 
Research, it has recently been discovered that Balinese 
women are very good at contraception. At an early age, 
these Indonesian beauties learn to exercise intensive 
control over their vaginal muscles. Apparently, they ride 
such a tight saddle on those muscles that they can eject all 
seminal fluid just by contracting them. After making love, 
they stand up and vigorously thrust their vaginas to pump 
out the semen, which trickles down their legs. 

In case you and your girlfriend decide to avoid the stork 
the Balinese way after your next roll in the palms, we might 
advise that there's a word for women in Bali who have not 
learned this technique well—mothers. 


WET AND FRETFUL 

It turns out that many women who are blessed with an 
abundance of vaginal secretion and who overflow at the 
slightest provocation are terribly ashamed of it. At last, some 
scientists have investigated the aesthetic effects of this phe- 
nomenon. Drs. James P. Semmens and F. Jane 
Semmens, gynecologists at the Medical 
University of South Carolina, have come 
up with some theories about why wet 
women turn themselves off: One 
reason is that our society still holds 
on to the image of the pure, chaste 
woman who is daintily arid; so a 
girl with plentiful lubrication 
views it with distaste because 
she feels sinfully sexy. Madison 
Avenue hasn't helped such 
women resolve their feelings, 
either. By pushing artificially 
scented vaginal douches and 
sprays, they imply that a woman's 
natural body scents and juices are 
unappealing. So, of course, a 
woman who is especially moist 
feels even more unap- 
pealing. She may also 
resent her lubriciousness 
as an indication of a high 
level of eroticism; and if 
she's sexually inhibited, this 
will accentuate her inhibition. 


SEXCETERA 


SNOWBALLING 


A steep slope, an exhilarating schuss down a mountain- 
side, with the icy wind tingling over your body and your 
blood singing with your skis. You stop by a deserted snow- 
bank, you turn to your ravishing companion in her skintight 
jump suit, and a wonderfully dizzy dalliance suggests itself. 
Yes, screwing in the snow can be a zonker, but it also has its 
hazards. Several experienced ski instructors and a few con- 
sulting urologists and sexologists have cautioned us; If the 
temperature drops very far below freezing, you'll be so cold 
that an erection becomes impossible to maintain—especial- 
ly if the air is dry and cold. Dampness from close contact 
with your woman may also intensify the chill, and hideously 
painful possibilities of frostbite lurk for the unwary. But 
nature has provided a built-in warning device. If, after 
some passionate preliminaries, you find your digit frigid 
instead of rigid, don’t push it. Head for the warming hut. 
Remember the tragic plight of the Eskimo and his fiancée: 
One cold night, she broke it off. 


CYCLE BUILT FOR TWO 


Strange things happen when people live together for 
any length of time. One person begins finishing the other's 
sentences. You pick up the phone to call her and she’s in 
the middle of calling you. You both want to go to the same 
restaurant for dinner. Those are some of the nice things. 
Then there are the times your mood always seems to be 
the opposite of hers and neither of you can say anything 
right. We've all thought, it could be the weather or the stars 
or the beginning of the end of a beautiful affair. 

A scientist in Australia thinks it could be the pill. Mar- 
garet Henderson, a research physiologist and endocrinolo- 
Bist, has been measuring the temperature cycles of men 
and women who live together and has found some- 
thing pretty amazing. Normally, the man's temperature 
cycle is in close sync with the woman's 
menstrual cycle; so close, in fact, that 
when her temperature falls at ovulation, 
so does his. However, when women 
in Dr. Henderson's study began 

using the pill, they went out of 

harmony with their men. Hen- 
derson explained, at an annual 
meeting of the Royal Australian 

College of Physicians, that 

when one man's cycle dis- 

continued, he became anxious 
and irritable. When his wife 
subsequently went off the 
pill, their relationship apparent- 
ly once more became harmoni- 
ous. So if your relationship has 
been nothing but lots of has- 
sles lately, it might be worth it 
to have a checkup. May- 
be your moods aren't 
incompatible—it could 
be your contraceptive. 


— HOWARD SMITH AND 
BRIAN VAN DER HORST 


ILLUSTRATION BY ROGER HUYSSEN 


255 


A playmate is someone very special 
She could be someone you know. Or 
Either 


5 someone whose special beaut 


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And here's your opportunity to be the 
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OFFICIAL ENTRY FORM 
PLAYBOY PLAYMATE PHOTO CONTEST 
185 Great Nack Road, Great Neck, N.Y, 1102 


Enclosed is our entry in the Playboy Playmate Photo Contest. We 
cortily that wo have of this contest and 
that both of ws were adult cit 

each of us resides, as of September 1. 1976. 


MODEL 


ns of the State or Province in which 


Sigmtue — 05 —€— — 


Name 
PHOTOGRAPHER 


Signature. = T 


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Address. - — 


City. M o N — 


PLAYBOY 


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READER SERVICE 


Write to Playboy Reader Service for 
answers to your shopping questions. 
We will provide you with the name 
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of the spe- 
1 or edito- 


ify page number and issue 
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Marantz Hi Pidenity, 


Use these lines for informat 
above and other featured merchandise 


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Playboy Building, 919 ichigan Ave. 
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PLAYBOY'S DOUBLE HOLIDAY PACKAGE 


BOTH ISSUES WILL BE COLLECTOR'S ITEMS YOU WON'T WANT TO M 


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Six Dingo boots that come on strong Clockusse 


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Of all menthols: 


Carlton 


is 
lowest. 


See how Carlton stacks down in tar. 
Look at the latest U.S. Government figures for: 


The 10 top selling cigarettes 


arag ^ ncoe mg / 
Carte cigarette 
Brand P Non-Filter 27 17 = 
Brand C Non-Filter 24 15 
Brand W 19 13 
Brand S Menthol TEE. A 13 Carlton Cc 
LIDSLICTICRI UEUEENII NE :: Menthol Wor 
Brand W 100 18 12 1 tar MENTHOL 
Brand M 18 11 mg. 
Brand K Menthol 17 13 
Brand M Box 7 TO 
Brand K 16 10 
Other cigarettes that call 
LIT ” 
themselves low in “tar 
Wrmo/ — ncone mg) 
cigarette cigarette 
Brand D 15 10 
Brand P Box 4 08 
Brand D Menthol 4 10 
Brand M Lights 13 08 
Brand W Lights 13 09 
Sepa ie IER 13 08 Carlton 
Brand T Menthol ud 07 
Brand T Lo qm 06 ( arlt, Filter 
BrandVMenthol NY 08 ert. On 2 mg. tar 
Brand V RE o7 — HOL 
Carlton Filter "z 70.2 
Carlton Menthol “ "o1 
Carlton 70 “ E 


(lowest of all brands) 
*Av per cigarette by FTC method 


No wonder Carlton is the fastest growing of the top 25 brands. 


Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined 


That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. | Menthol: 1 mg. "tar", 0.1 mg. nicotine; Filter: 2 mg. “tar”, 0.2 mg. nicotine; 
Carlton 70's: 1 mg. "tar", 0.1 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette by FTC method.