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PLAYMATES 
UND 


A PICTORIAL 
FIRST: THE SEXIEST 
QUTER-SPACE GRS 
SEX! OF OUR 
к FOREIGN 
EDITIONS 
DRUGS SEXUAL 
AND SPORTS: STIMULATION: 
THE STORY CREATMITYS 
BEHIND SECRET 
THE RUMORS TOOL 
A DANDY 
INTERVIEW 


WTH 
DON MEREDITH 


How to make 
a good drink great. 


refreshing 7 & Cola, pour 1% oz. 
Seagram’s 7 over ice in a tall glass. 
Fill with cola and garnish with lime. 


Seagram's 1 Crown 


Where quality drinks begin. 


SEAGRAM DISTILLERS CO., N.Y C. AMERICAN WHISKEY—A BLEND. 80 PROOF. 


THE PRICE 
OF PRESTIGE: 


At Mercedes Benz, they wheel drive, steel belted for the dealer nearest you. 


engineer a great car, without radials and our remarkable Subaru and Mercedes, 

regard for price. SEEC-T engine which can run two of the finest engineered 
Subaru engineers а great on regular gas. Something cars around. One sells for 

car, with great regard for price. Mercedes, nottomentionalot 8 times the price of the other. 
For one of the lowest of economy cars, can’t do. The choice is yours. 

sticker prices around; Subaru You also get the conve- "Plus dealer prep, delivery and taxes 

gives you a long list of engi- nience of over 600 Subaru а ENTERA RETRO 

neering features. Like front dealers.Checktheyellow pages ond roly stripes оге extro 


THE PRESTIGE 
OF PRICE: 
$3,099" 


inexpensive. And built to 


stay that way. 


©1977A.J.REYNOLOS TOBACCO CO 


ас? 5 
Be cause my cigarette is Salem. Salem gives me 


f the great taste I want from a cigarette, plus fresh 
menthol. Isn't it time you enjoyed Salem? 


Salem King & 1005. 


KING: 18 ma. "tar", 1.2 mg. nicotine, 100's: 18 то. “tar”, 
13 mg. nicotine, av. per cigarette, ЕТС Report AUG. 77. 


PLAYBILL 


LET'S FACE IT: For the most part, winter sports are dull. After 
all, where's the real kick in sliding down a hill on two sticks? 
Ice dimbing—now, there's a challenge to reckon with. One of 
the slowest growing sports in America, clambering up a solid 
all of ice holds little appeal for the masses, To find out why, 
WE sent Craig Vetter up the steepest, slipperiest slope we could 
find. It was the first in a series of daredevil stunts we designed 
to shorten the life and gray the hair of this good, but shame- 
lessly mercenary, young writer. To our dismay, he made it to 
the top. But not without a lot of misgivings. Tem Golo illus- 
trated Усцег report on the ascent, Pushed to the Edge, Part 
One: The Ice Climb. 

If you think Vetter's feat took guts, imagine the courage of 
Contributing Editor David Stendish. His assignment: Scout the 
burgeoning resort area known as the Mexican Riviera. The 
catch: He had to return and write the story. Pro that he is, 
andish accomplished both, with a little help from our comp- 
troller, who threatened to cut off his taco allowance if he didn't. 
Thus, we are able to offer Way Down West in Mexico, a fond 
look at our neighbor to the south, accompanied by a pictorial 
salute to some of its more shapely tourist attractions. 

Last on our list of possible vacation sites is Sourh Africa, 
where racial tensions often reach the boiling point. Those ten- 
sions provided the backdrop for Graham Greene's latest novel, 
The Human Factor, due in March from Simon & Schuster. 
We've chosen а particularly chilling scene from that novel for 
preview in this issue. 

In our neverending quest to divine the essence of woman, 
we came upon The Female Ego, by Jules Siegel. If you've given 
up on understanding the fairer sex, you might try Sicgel's ploy. 
He tells us his first loves are calligraphy and book design, 
and his work in those fields is now being shown at New York’s 
Franklin Furnace Archive. 

ОГ course, we all know what makes an athlete tick, the thrill 
of victory, right? Well, not exactly. Sometimes that thrill comes 
from the pharmacy. Neil Amdur looks into the situation in 
Wired to the Teeth, an exposé of the drug scene in pro sports. 
The illusuation is by Chicago artist Ed Paschke. We, on the 
other hand, improve our performance with sex. Recent studies 
show that sexual stimulation makes one more creative. John 
Lobell gives us the low-down in Eureka! I'm Coming. 

‘The hirsute similarities between Albert Einstein and Alber 
Schweitzer prompted Richard Liebmann-Smith to compose thi: 
month's hilarious The Albert/Albert Exchange. We make no 
claims as to its authenticity, but we will vouch for its humor. On 
the serious side, Senator George McGovern, whose autobiography, 
Grassroots, was published last fall by Random House, probes the 
absurdity of the international arms race in The End of the World. 

And if last month's UFO panel conjured up ges of lite 
green men in your mind, you're only a step away from our 
newest fantasy: little green women. That's the launching point 
for Close Encounters of the Fourth Kind, a look at intergalac- 
tic sex dreamed up by Senior Art Director Kerig Pope and pro- 
duced by a quintet of sky watchers including Playmate/model 
Bridgett Rollins, model Richard Klein, stylist Christino Bartholome, 
sculptor /designer Parviz Sadighion and photographer Bill Arsenault, 

Back on terra firma, this football season saw the return of 
everybody's favorire good ole boy, Don Meredith, to ABC's 
МЕЛ. Monday Night Football telecast. Veteran PLAYBOY 
contributor Lawrence Linderman tracked him down for this 
month's down-home Playboy Interview. 

And there's more, such as the kickoff of our new column, 
Coming Attractions, an insider's look at publishing and show- 
biz compiled by Associate Editor John Blumenthal, and a mouth- 
watering tribute to New Orleans food and drink. Jambalaya! 
and Sazerac! illustrated by Hervey Ehrlich. Even tasticr is Feb- 
ruary Playmate Janis Schmitt. So dig in and bon appetit! 


LINDERMAN 


AMDUR 


STANDISH LIERMANN-SMITH EHRLICH 


KLEIN, BARTHOLOME, ARSENAULT, ROLLINS, SADIGHIAN LOBELL 


PLAYBOY. 


vol. 25, no. 2—february, 1978 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN’S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE 


PLAYBILL ....... tec dee : : ; 3 
THE WORLD OF PLAYBOY . n 
DEAR PLAYBOY . 13 
PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS . 21 
BOOKS 24 
MOVIES 26 
z MUSIC 
erame S COMING ATTRACTIONS . 39 
SELECTED SHORTS 
THE NEW BODY SNATCHERS ........... ......NAT HENTOFF 40 


Anguish over their children's allegiance to the latest offbeat culis has driven 
many parents into engaging the services of "deprogramers" who kidnap the 
young converts and try to brainwash some sense into them. Meanwhile, re- 
ligious freedom is going down the drain. 

DIRIYATITILEISECREIS Т eins eit eee erie DAVID BUTLER 41 
We've all read those nice, slightly stuffy little capsule biographies of authors 
at the end of magazine articles. Have you ever wondered how they would 
sound if they told the truth? Here's how. 


THE PLAYBOY) ADVISOR SU nba с а 43 

PLAYBOY) SEXIPOLUD NET .HOWARD SMITH 47 
This months question: Do you find that your lovers get turned on by being 
talked to while making love? 

ИНЕЙРГАУВОУ РОВОМ ЕЕ EP ME 53 

PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: DON MEREDITH—candid conversation ....... 59 


Dandy Don, ex-quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys and now a television 
› teammate of Howard Cosell and Frank Gifford on ABC's N.F.L. Monday Night 
= s Football, talks about his life on and off the field. 


WIRED TO THE TEETH—sports ..................... NEIL AMDUR 78 
In both professional and amateur sports these days, you can't tell the pills 
without a score card, Whether they're using cocaine or steroids, a lot of 
athletes are getting by witha little help from their friends. 

CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE FOURTH KIND—pictorial ............ 83 
Perhaps the thought of experiencing intergalactic sex has never crossed your 
mind, but after seeing this pictorial, you may want to go for a drive at night 
on an Arizona desert with a box of candy and a dozen roses. 

THE HUMAN FACTOR—fiction . ...GRAHAM GREENE 88 
Despite the impersonal nature of the espionage business, conflicts of personal- 
ity do surface. Particularly if one spy doesn't approve of another spy's wife. 

BEYOND THE BASICS—cttire ...................... DAVID PLATT 92 
It used їо be thet all you needed was a blue suit, a sports coat and two pairs 
of slacks, but today's man needs to stretch his wardrobe. We show you how. 

PUSHED TO THE EDGE 
PART ONE: THE ICE CLIMB—article ...........- CRAIG VETTER 96 
The author, who will admittedly do anything for money, has undertaken the 
task of doing some of the most frightening things in the world and writing 

Jombaloya/Sazerac P. 112 about them for PLAY&ov. On his first venture, he scares himself nearly to death. 


GENERAL OFFICES: PLAYBOY BUILDING, 919 NORTH MICHIGAN AVE, CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611. RETURN POSTAGE MUST ACCOMPANY ALL MAMUICRIPIS, DRAWINGS AND PHOTOGRAPHS SUBMITTED 
PLAYBOY. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. PLAYBOY ANO RADIT HEAD STMI WY. REGISTERED U.S. PATENT OFFICE, MARCA REGISTRADA, MARQUE DEPOSEE, 
енна їн WHOLE OR IN FART WITHONT MANTEN PERMISSION FROM THE PUBLISHER, ANY SIMILARITY BETWEEN THE PEOPLE AND PLACES IN TWE FICTION AND SEMIPICTION om тті WACALINE 


COVER STORY 

Ah, yes, it's February, the month of Saint Valentine. Playmate Hope Olson bears no 
resemblance to any queen of hearts we've ever laid a stack of chips on, but that's 
because photographer Claude Mougin got his inspiration from а 19th Century playing 
cord he bought їп an antique store. Senior Art Director Kerig Pope, who designed the 
cover, says he and Mougin "really put our hearts into it." Honest. He said that. 


MEET HER IN ST. LOUIS—playboy’s playmate of the month ......... 98 
If you're driving through St. Louis and a stunningly becutiful waman driving 
a Triumph convertible pulls alongside, there's a good chance it's Janis Schmitt, 
о Bunny at the St. Louis Playboy Club. 

PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES—humor Trae WU) 

JAMBALAYA!—food uc THOMAS MARIO 112 
It's probably New Orleans’ greatest contribution to American cuisine, and 
you can smell this creole dish's mouth-watering aroma and savor its spicy 
flavor without going to Louisiana. 

ISAZERACI drink E TRIS EMANUEL GREENBERG 113 
You'll need a little something to drink clong with your hot jambalaya, so 
here's how to have a Mardi Gras celebration in your own dining room. 

ITH EIEEMALE|EGO—essay УЕ КҮТ eine Е. JULES SIEGEL 114 
With the sexes firing volleys at each other, the author comes up with с novel 
solution for the bettle-weary man: Change your name to Ms. and poss. 

WAY DOWN WEST IN MEXICO—travel .......... DAVID STANDISH 117 
Some call it the new Riviera; plan now for your own leisurely vacation on 
Mexico's west coast and avoid the winter tourist rush. Í 

THE ALBERT/ALBERT EXCHANGE— humor. RICHARD LIEBMANN-SMITH 123 STE 
When the two Nobel Prize-winning Alberts, Einstein and Schweitzer, con- 
ducted o historic correspondence, you would expect their letters to have been 
full of weighty matters, wouldn't you? Hah! 

THE END OF THE WORLD—article . . . .SENATOR GEORGE McGOVERN 124 
With our military-industrial complex riding high, it will be a miracle if we 
aren't blown off the face of the earth before the end of the decade, 

PLAYMATES INTERNATIONAL—pictorial ................... 127, 
A delightful international array of some of Ihe most beautiful women to ap- 
pear in the foreign editions of PLAYBOY. 

EUREKA! ГМ COMING—article .................... JOHN LOBELL 137 Femole Ego 
Remember the lusty virgin in high school you called a prick tease because she 
built you up but never gave satisfaction? You should thank her. She wos 
making you more creative all the time. 

PLAYBOY PAD: LOFTY AMBITIONS—modern living . sog IEE 
In New York's Soho district, where artists are rehabilitating factory lofts, an 
architect has the kind of pad we'd like to work and play in. 

THE VARGAS GIRL—pictorial . bose acto tee ALBERTO VARGAS 142 

THERE'S ROOM FOR TWO—ribald deeds MARQUIS DE SADE 143 


GOING TO NEW LENGTHS— modern living . . 146 чы 

Video cassettes are stretching out, timewise, so now you can watch and watch. Janis Triumphont 
PLAYBOY FUNNIES—humor ...,.....................-..... 148 
PLAYBOYISIPIPELINE SER ЕЕ оул ИЕ ee Е ie ee 159 

Plastic foods, a hi-fi check list, safe-deposit boxes and collecting Detroit cars, 
THINK TANK soit © oer, ВЕ pm е ае 186 


The case of the frozen penis, women and dirty movies, powdered alcoholic 
drinks, indoor pollution and more. 


BP'AYBOYSPOIPOURRIE PS E E Айе E a 194 


Wired Athletes P. 78 


RICHARD KLEIN / JAMES LARSON, P. 3; ERICH KLEMM, P. 132; JILL KREMENTI. P. 39. CHRISTOPHER LITTLE /CAMERA 


HOY. IN NATIONAL AND REGIONAL EDITIONS. PLAYBOY BLOG., $19 N. MICHIGAN AVE, CHGO-, HLL. вові SECOND CLASS 
IW THE U. 5.. 314 TOT ONE YEAR. POSTMASTER: SEND FORM 3579 TO PLAYIOY, P. O, вок 2420, EOULDER, COLO. 10102. 


POSTAGE PAID AT сисо., ILL, а AT ADDE. MAILING OFFICES. SUBSCRIPTIONS: 


PLAYBOY 


PLAYBOY 


HUGH M. HEFNER 
editor and publisher 


HowBob and Jennie saved NAT LEHRMAN associate publisher 
a lot of money, their record collection ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director 


ARTHUR PAUL art director 
and their relationship. SHELDON WAX managing editor 
GARY COLE photography editor 

G. BARRY GOLSON executive editor 


By reading Warehouse Sound's free 1978 stereo catalog, that's EDITORIAL 
how. Bob liked folk-rock loud and deep, while Jenny liked АКЫСЫ NGE GONZALES senior edi 


country high and sweet. They couldn't find a stereo system editor 
within their budget that could do both. You know how silly шде 
some arguments sound when they start... Meanwhile, their 
old record player was slowly ruining their collection. 
In the nick of time the new Warehouse Sound catalog ar- ешлан ME NESE, Davin STEVENS senior edi- 
ESI Tm я Р (013; JOHN BLUMENTHAL, ROBERT CARR, JAMES R- 
rived in the mail: 64 pages of information on over 100 brands | утурум asociale editors; WALOR Y. LOWE, 
of stereo components with recommendations for ear pleasing | з. >. ©'соклон, кь waters assistant editors; 
2 s А esearch supervisor: кл 
complete systems at all price levels. They founda music Sys- | tax. row рлеу n з 
tem that could satisfy Bob's bass desires and Jenny's high fre- | FISHER, ROBERT L. GREEN, NAT HENTOFF, - 
dee MOUNT, RICHARD RHODES, JEAN SHEPHERD, 
quencies for а lot less money than they expected to pay. бо, | koserT SHERULL, DAVID STANDISH, BRUCE WIL 
far, they've lived happily ever | wes (movies) contributing editors 
after. 
We've helped more tha: А 
ссе ресднотедоан том STAEBLER, RERIG ТОРЕ senior directors; 


100,000 people like Bob D rue Eu QUE HE DO uU 


FEATURES: TOM OWEN 


+. WILLIAMSON associate directors; BRUCE HANSEN, 

and Jenny inthe seven | vim asec decors mac нула 

years since the bright TCHORYK senior arl assistant; BETH клык ат! 

f Te istant; KATHY KRAFT traffic coordinator; 

idea hit us: shipstereo | амилна погумлх administrative assistant 

components direct to the 

customer's home and PHOTOGRAPHY, 

/ eliminate the middle- MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast edito; 1 

E new 


T 5 MOSES associate editor; HOLLIS WA 
man’s profit. The catalog | york editor; касилко rretey, POMPEO rosa 


г д taf] phot ers; BILL ARSENAULT, DOI 
is free.Our guide to PAI UE D Ыгы 


DAVID CHAN, P DIXON, DWIGHT 
| stereo buying, The қ. SCOTT HOOPER, RICHARD IZUI, 


LP А ] KEN MARCUS, ALEXAS URBA contributing pho- 
How To Hi-Fi Guide, is | (cgraphers; rary rater, тисидиш maet 
AMES WARD color lab © 


a dollar and worth it. assistant c 


visor; ROBERT CHELIUS administrative 


So give us a try: see 
how many things you PRODUCTION 
can save. 
Warehouse Sound Co. 
Railroad Square, Box S 
San Luis Obispo READER SERVICE 
CA 93405, 805, 5/544- 9700 JANE COWEN SCHOEN manager 


no director; ALLEN VARGO man- 
|AGNER, MARIA MANDIS, 
RD QUARTAROLL assistants 


CAROL TOWNS, RU 


FREE Sero Catalog 


CIRCULATION 


RICHARD SMITI director; J. R. ARDISSONE news 
0 Enclosed is $1 for your hot O Just zip me stand sales manager; ALYIN WIEMOLD subscrip- 
В 2 tion manager 
= new catalog and the “How your free 
: to Hi-Fi Guide" sent via catalog via 
$ Priority First Class Mail. Third Class Mail. ERS 
H HENRY w. NARES advertising director 
name 


ADMINISTRATIVE 
MICHAEL LAURENCE business manager; PATRICIA 
s administrative editor; ROSE JEN- 
NINGS rights è permissions manager; MILDRED 
ZIMMERMAN administrative assistant 


Үз 
E: — Warehouse Sound Co. 


CS _BoxS, San Luis Obispo, CA 93405, 805/544-9700 Spi PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC. 


DERICK J. DANIELS president 


state zip 


Why is Heineken 
America’s number one imported beer? 


PLAYBOY 


If you've thought about buying one of 
the new compact, automatic 35mm 
SLR cameras, maybe you think theyre 
all pretty much the same. 

Theyte not! Some automatic cam- 
eras are better at taking one kind of 
picture than another. 

Which camera you choose should 
depend on the kind of pictures 
you'll be taking. 

Basically, there are two kinds of auto- 
matic exposure. All automatic cameras 
offer one or the other. Except on 
The Minolta XD-11 is the only camera 
in the world that offers both, plus full 

manual control. 

For landscapes, still lifes, portraits 
and the like, you'll want an aperture- 
priority camera. It lers you set the lens 
opening, while it sets the shutter speed 
automatically. 

That way, 
you control 
depth of field. 
That's the area 
of sharpness in 
front of and 
behind your 
subject. Many 
professional 
photographers 
believe that 
depth of field is 
the single most 
important fac- 
tor in creative photography. 

When you want to freeze the 
motion of your subject, or blur it for 
creative effect, you'll probably want 
a shutterpriority automatic. You set 
the shutter speed and the camera sets 
the lens opening. 

How creative do you want to be? 
A camera that offers only aperture or 
shutterpriority automation may be per- 
fectly adequate for your needs. How- 
ever, only the Minolta XD-11 offers 
the total creative control of both, 


BEFORE YOU BUY ANY 
AUTOMATIC CAMERA, 
THINK ABOUT THE 
KIND OF PICTURES 
YOU WANT TO ТАКЕ. 


plus shutter priority autom; 


together in one compact 35mm single 
lens reflex camera. 

And, in addition, it also permits 
fully manual operation where you set 
the lens opening and shutter speed, 
with the built-in meter there ro guide 
you. You would use this for special 
effects, like silhouettes, or extreme 
lighting situations. 

Can you vary the automatic 

exposure? 

At one time or another, the creative 
photographer may want to alter the 
mood pf a phocomaph by modifyine 
the exposure being set automatically 
by the camera. In the Minolta XD-1 1 
you can vary the exposure up to two 
full stops over or under the camera set- 
tings, without losing the advantages of 
automatic exposure. 


Only the Minolta XD-11 gives you aperture-priority automation for controlling sharpness, 
ion for controlling subject movement. 


Do you have to give up easy opera- 
tion to get creative control? 
With the Minolta XD-11, you can get 
beautifully exposed pictures by just 
pushing a button. Signals in the view- 
finder tell you if youre going to make 
an exposure mistake. In fact, during 
hutterprority operation, the XD-L1 
will actually make exposure correc: 
tions that you fail to make, within the 
range of the shutter. It becomes the 
world’s most versatile camera when- 
ever you want it to be, expanding your 


A camera should be easy to handle from 
the very first time you hold it in your hands. 


creative horizons, but never complicat- 
ing your photography. 

Does the viewfinder help you 

concentrate on the picture? 
If you have to look away from the 
viewfinder to check camera settings, 
your concentration on the picture is 
broken, and you could miss important. 
abe: Thacs why the ХЕЛИ views 
finder gives you all the information 
you need. Red 
light emitting 
diodes (LED's) 
and read-out 
windows tell 
you which lens 
opening or shut- 
ter speed you've 
set, and which 
the camera is 
setting. They 
also warn of 
over and under 
exposure and 
when the flash 
is ready to fire. And most important, 
none of the signals in the finder inter- 
fere with the picture area. 
How easy is it to focus? 

The XD-1I's viewfinder is the bright- 
est of any 35mm SLR for easy com- 
posing and focusing, even in the 
corners and along the edges of your 
picture. And even in dim light. 

Are all auto winders alike? 
Most compact 35mm SLR S offer auto 
winders as options. Theyre great for 
automatically and quickly advancing 


Automatic sequence 
photography is саху 
with the optional 
Auto Winder D and 
Electroflash 200X. 


the film, in single shots or 
sequences as two frames a 
second. But auto winders are 
definitely not all alike. The 

Auto Winder D for the XD-11, 
for instance, gives you up to 50% 
more pictures with a set of bat- 
teries than other winders. It can be 


operated remotely, turns off automati- 
cally at the end ofa roll and is the 
smallest, lightest and quietest auto 
winder you can own. 

Are all automatic flashes alike? 
barenko hes yall Stic commen 
matically correct exposure, but only 


Interchange- 

able lenses expand 

your creative opportu- 
nities. There are wide- 
angle, macro, zoom and 
telephoto lenses in the 
Minolta system. Plus more 
than a hundred other 
photographic accessories. 


the optional Electroflash 200X for the 
Minolta XD-11 will fire in continuous 
synchronization with the Auto 
Winder. And only the XD-11 has a 
flash-ready signal in the finder, 

How should a camera handle? 
Advance the film. There should be no 
harsh or “grainy” feeling. Press the 
shutter release. It should require only a 

feather touch, and the sound of 
the shutter should be whisper 
quiet. Controls should be 
located where your fingers fall 
naturally. On the Minolta 
XD-11, you'll notice that 
although the camera is com- 
act, the controls are over- 
sized. The XD-11 is com- 
fortable, not cramped, 
and so smoothly quiet 
that we invite compar- 
ison with the world’s 


What about 
interchangeable 
lenses? 
Just about every 
35mm SLR has a 
lens "system? But 
it's important to 
know what the sys- 
tem contains, and 
how easy it is to 
use. RokkorX and 
Celtic lenses for the 
XD-11 range from 
7.5mm fisheye to 
1600mm supertele: 
photo. Wide-angle 
lenses let you cap- 
ture a whole land- 
scape in one shot. Telephotos give you 
dramatic close-up pictures without 
moving closer. The Minolta system 
includes one of the most complete 
selections of lenses available. You can 
switch from one to another in seconds, 
easily and without special camera 
adjustments. And if youre among the 
millions of people whe own Minolta 
lenses, you'll be glad to know they can 
be used on the XD-11 without modifi- 
cation in the aperture-priority and 
manual mode: 
The finishing touches. 
Most automatics have extra conve- 
nience features. But the XD-11 has 
more than most. The full comple- 
ment: Multiple exposures with push- 
button ease (even while using the 
Auto Winder). A window to show 
film is advancing properly. A self timer 
so you can get into your own pictures. 
A handy memo holder that holds the 
end of a film box to remind you what 
film youre using. And a depth of field 
preview button. 
What's the next step? 
Think about what you want your new 
camera to do. And about the kind of 
pictures you'll want to take, now and 
five years from now. Then ask your 
cho deserto show yore Mipolta 
XD-11. Or write for literature to Min- 
olta Corporation, 101 Williams Drive, 
Ramsey, N.J. 07446. In Canada: Min- 
olta Camera (Canada) Inc., Ontario. 


The compact, automatic 35mm SLR for creative people. 


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THE WORLD OF PLAYBOY 


in which we offer an insider’s look at what’s doing and who’s doing it 


HEFNER HOSTS — 
“SATURDAY NIGH U COME NONE 


оа Las Vegas 
a S100 ber 
ae threw th 
tedly from. 
or was un: 
о of the dice 


1 


ош 
wuld г. 
an old ; 

in't stand. the 
ın on her 


Editor-Publisher Hugh M. Hefner may have 

launched yet another career for himself when he took to the stage 
as host of NBC-TV'5s satirical revue, Saturday Night Live. Having been asked 
to dress as he normally does around the house, Hef appeared in the opening 
segment decked out in his trademark pajamas. What came next we wouldn't 
have believed if we hadn't seen it: He grabbed the mike and sang Thank 
Heaven for Little Girls. Sinatra's in no danger, but Hef proved he could sing, 


THE FEMLIN COMES ALIVE 


Saturday Nighter Laraine Newman makes 
a fetching Femlin as she spoofs LeRoy 
N 's famous Party Jokes character 


HEF THE THESP 

Above: Hef shows comedienne Jane Curtin 
the wonders of his famed round bed. Right 
In Socratic garb, Hef delivers his Playboy 
Philosophy and (below), as Captain. Macho. 
he Icads with regulars D. 
Aykroyd, d Garrett Morris. 


pace missio 
john. Belushi a 


THE POSTPERFORMANCE PARTY 
AT THE PLAYBOY CLUB 

Following his network singing-acti 
debut, Hef hosted a cast party at N 
York's Playboy Club. Above: Hef 
gets a few tips and an appraisal of 
his performance from actor James Coburn, 
onc of many celebrities dispatched 

by the Screen Actors Guild to make 

sure Hef sticks to publishing. 


PLAYBOY 


12 


@ KENWOOD eee ueiaire 


ED ee „_ ee 


| 


i 


ALLTHREE-HEAD CASSETTE DECKS 


, De 


LET YOU HEAR AS YOU RECORD. 
OURS LETS YOU RECORD PRECISELY 
WHAT YOU HEAR. 


©) paren _pavenck sa Ave 
5 PLAYBACK 


p DOLBY OUTPUT 
RECORD INPUT 
DOLBY 
ERASE HEAD | RECORD EQ АМР 
DOUBLE DOLBY SYSTEM 


Three-Head Design with Double Dolby* 


Not all three-head cassette decks are created equal. 
Some manufacturers have designed their decks with 
separate erase, record and playback heads primarily for 
convenience. So you can tape monitor as you record. 

But our new KX-1030 uses separate heads 
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And to let you take full advantage of the 
separate record and playback heads, the 
KX-1030 has a Double Dolby* system with sep- 
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playback preamplifier. That way, as you record 


For the Kenwood dealer nearest you, see your yellow pages, or write, 


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tape monitor with Dolby, so 
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We also built in a number of 
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KENWOOD 


KENWOOD. 15777 S. Broadway, Gardena, CA 90248 


DEAR PLAYBOY 


ADDRESS DEAR PLAYBOY 
PLAYBOY BUILOING 
919 N. MICHIGAN AVE. 
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611 


KYEMBA ON AMIN 

Your interview with Henry Kyemba 
in the November issue fills me with an in- 
explicable kind of numbness, It is jn- 
credibly shocking to learn of the atrocities 
being commited under the totalitarian 
regime of Idi Amin. As an Afro-Amer- 
ican, I am filled with a sense of outrage 
but saturated with sadness at the horrible 
excesses inflicted Ugandan 
people. It is a sad day in history when a 
black man сап have sudh disregard and 
sinister inhumanity toward his own 
people. 


upon the 


Teddy Ramsey 

Corvallis. Oregon 
You will always be one of the 
magazines. Until your November is 
many Americans were ignorant of the 
brutal and ‘extraordinary circumstances 
surrounding the Amin regime. We do not 
need Hitler П, black or white. Our sys- 
tem seems to support Amin's government 
despite the thousands who have been 
murdered. The U.S. services his aircraft 
and accepts his exports. The idiot makes 
us look like asses. Thank you, Kyemba 
This interview would make me bid for a 
chance at that Amin creep. 
on Drummond 
limore, Maryland 


Much that Kyemba tells us about 
Amin has been reported, at least in part, 
by various observers. 
ports confirmed by 
strengthens the case 


who continues to de 


To have these re- 
Kyemba further 
ast the madman 
astute Uganda, But 
almost as important is the revelation of 
how men like Kyemba continue to re- 
main their 
own lives are at risk. Only then do they 
arrange to get out. That is, in a way, the 
saddest aspect of the tale Kyemba tells, 
for it reveals how some men will accept 
almost any aspect of dictatorship as long 
as they can enjoy the fruits of thei 
ileged positions. And 


associated with Amin until 


priv- 
such conduct is 


certainly not limited to men in under- 
developed nations 


such as 
witness Albert Speer's terrible self-con- 
demnation in his memoir of his life in 
Nazi Germany. 


Harold C. Field 
Harrison, New York 


The interview with Henry Kyemba 
brings me to the point of believing 
that he isan ignorant, snitching adolescent 
who should have been shor by President 
Amin many years ago. If Amin has many 
more comrades like Kyemba, he is in 
trouble. I picture Kyemba as a chickenshit 
who does not even have the balls to stand 
up to Amin and tell hin face to face how 
he feels about his tactics, 1 think that 
Amin's regime has made a mistake or 
two (one by not killing Kyemba), but all 
countries leaders have made a couple of 
mistakes 


Richard E. Milhem, Sr. 
Ashland, Kentucky 
If you'd cave to volunteer for а faceto- 
face with Amin, we'll arrange for a 
chorus of angels to sing “My Old Ken- 
tucky Home" following the тесі. 


FIRST BROTHER 

Alter reading the Billy Carter article 
(Chairman Billy, vtAywov, November), by 
Roy Blount Jr. I would like to clarify 
one thing. Billy's ideals and lifestyle are 
his business, not everyone "down 
South" is a narrow-minded redneck. Be 
= from the South and traveling acoss 
the nation, living now in the Northwest, 
I've found that people are basically th 
same everywhere. The old cliché "There's 
one in every bunch" holds truc any 
you go. 


but 


Patrick Owen 
Olympia, Washington. 


On the whole, I think the Chairman 
Billy article is quite good and essen- 
tially accurate. From our perspective, the 
best thing about this experience was the 


"Lite clinched anda 
naked North, Ihave ler 
and defend; Shoulder td'shoulder 


"we have fought it out> vet the wild 
must win in the end. Robert Service 


Soft-spoken and smooth, its 
hundred-proof potency 
simmers just below the surface. 
Straight, on the rocks, or 
mixed, YUKON JACK is a 
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Canadian liquor you've 
ever tasted. 


The Black Sheepof Canadian Liquors. 


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made with Blended Canadian Whisky 


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Yukon Jack and 0 


PLAYBOY 


14 


SATIN SH E ETS 


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Red, Silver, Sunflower, White, Yellow, Pink, 
Entire set includes: 1 straight top sheet, 1 

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Twin Set $24.00 Queen Set $33.50 

Full Set — $29.50 King Set $39.50 
3 letter monogram on 2 cases — $3.00 


WE PAY POSTAGE 


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CHANGING 
YOUR ADDRESS? 


Mailing Label or OLD Address Here: 
umm 


{please prin) 


NEW Address Here: 


(please print) 


name 
address 
city slate 


province zip of Country 


vaio PLAYBOY. 


P.O. Box 2420, Boulder, CO 80302, U.S.A. 


opportunity to work with Roy Blount Jr., 
one of the last of the truly great, genuine, 
absolute rednecks of the world. He's the 
real McCoy! Joshing aside, I take issuc 
with the Elmer Gantry portrayal of yours 
truly. A more accurate word picture would 
have dealt with the image of, say, Robert 
Redford. Or maybe John Wayne. But 
Blount tried and, though failing with me, 
succeeded in capturing the spirit of Billy. 
ady С. Rice, Jr, President 
Top Billing, Inc. 

Nashville, Tennessee 


‘This letter comes from out here on the 
farm, where the bullshit is deep cnough 
without all the extra you fellas have 
added with that terrible artide about 
Billy Carter and his family! It isn’t for 
real, is it? If your article is really true 
and Billy Carter is like you made him out 
to be, send him out our way; he'll make 
cheap fertilizer for the crops this year. 

Mar Pedersen 
Jackson, Nebraska 


Roy Blount Jr.'s in-depth article is not 
only hilarious, it reveals а ne 
the famous redneck's person: 
good-ole-boy image, combined with his 
straighttalking philosophy, makes Billy a 
precious diamond in the rough. Brother 
Jimmy used to share many of these quali- 
ties until he entered the White House! 
Now he converses in the language of 
Washington—double talk! 


Phoenix, Arizona 


MAIL FROM JAIL 
I want to commend you for publishing 

the artide by Clifford Irving (Jailing, 
rLAYhoy, November). That is the most 
accurate description of prison life 1 have 
сусг read. Гус done four years of an 
htyear sentence and all I can say is, 
“Right on.” Your fight for human rights 
and search for the truth, undiluted, in 
this age of bureaucratic backbiting and 
double talk are the reasons why I'll con- 
tinue to read your fine magazine. Thank 
you for shining a light on a truth too 
long hidden. 

Brian J. Smith 

Washington State Reformatory 

Monroe, Washington 


ord Irving sure can write. It's a 
good yarn, but how do we know it's for 
real? After all, he was in the pokey in 
the f 
facts. 1 have а gut feeling that Clilf has 
a vivid imagination and should stick to 
fiction, 


t place because of a disregard of 


Bill Gordon 
San Diego, California 


I left Allenwood prison camp the day 
Irving arrived; therefore, I fecl capable of 
making a few comments about the authen- 
ticity of the “notebooks.” “Geraldine” 


able amounts of m and 
inly managed to spread her bit of 
iclicf among inmates who were willing 
s. All in all, I found 
Irving's style blunt, truthful and to the 
point. Sometimes I wonder if the 20 or 
30 pounds of letters І wrote, which were 
returned to me when I left prison, will 
ever find use in such а way as Jailing. 1 
certainly could substantiate and amplify 
the article, 


Russell G, Duty 
Akron, Ohio 


CREATIVITY ABOUNDS 

The So-You-Think-You're-Creative Quiz 
(rLavsoy, November) is fantastic. How- 
ever, besides its having proved that I am 
wholly uncreative, I am having trouble 
with one of the authors’ answers. It seems 
to me that in the cigarette problem, the 
heavy smoker would not wait an hour to 
smoke his first cigarette. Hence, six ciga- 
rettes would Там the smoker only five 
hours. ГЇЇ bet millions of readers 
vertently got the answer correct by 
ing five hours, Take that, Raudsepp and 
Hough! 


John T. Bleecker 
York, Pennsylvania 


1 think I'm so creative that I believe 
one of your Creative Quiz answers is 
wrong. If the compulsive smoker smokes 
his six cigarettes at the rate of one every 
consecutive hour, he will have snuffed 
the last one out five hours after he Jit up 
the first. Check it out on the drawing you 
made of your watch! 

J- W- Sparks 
New York, New York 

The problem clearly states, “one cig- 
arette every hour.” Therefore, the smoker 
could not start his sixth cigarette until 
after the beginning of the sixth hour. As 
for the guy who wrote in, “onc hour, 15 
minutes,” have your lungs sandblasted. 


I enjoyed your Creative Quiz and (along 
with probably half of your readers) would 
like to suggest some possibly improved 
solutions. In “Matching ‘Triangles, 
would like to suggest а Star of David 
rangement, which produces eight equilat- 
eral triangles with six matches. 

Nick Tredennick 
Austin, Texas 

We can’t take issue with your creativity, 
but the pioblem is to create four, not 
eight, equilateral triangles out of the six 
matches. You and, as you assumed, many 
of our readers offered solutions for as 
many as 16 triangles, some involving 
splitting the matches lengthwise. So your 
answer is creative but, unfortunately, in- 
correct. 


CANADIAN SON UPSET 

І wish to draw your attention to an 
error on page 162 of the November issue. 
The actor in the photo with Marilyn 


g infantrymen 


...raging naval battles...yours to thrill to when 
you choose from this outstanding 
selection of military books 


0679/812.95 


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| 
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1 have read your ай, Please accept my application fer 
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i‏ ہے کک ع جس بے 


15 


PLAYBOY 


16 


Chambers is not Victor Desy but the well- 
known ian actor Roger Periard. I 
would be grateful if you would publish 


this correction. 


Wendy Tabrett 
Talent Representative 
Constance Brown Ltd. 
Toronto, Ontario 

It's our pleasure, Wendy. 


AIRPORT ANTICS 
I happened to be passing one of the 
hangars at the Santa Monica Airport not 
Jong ago when I saw a photo crew taking 
pictures of а beautifullooking girl. I said 
to myself, That must be PLAYBOY. I was 
sure of it when I was quickly shooed 
away, apparently just before they started 
shooting the good stuff. Was I right? 
George Ammond 
Los Angeles, California 
Absolutely right, George. We were 
photographing last month's Playmate, 
Debra Jensen, at the hangar of Gunnell 
Aviation, Inc. The people of Gunnell 


aar ON mt 


were gracious enough to let us shoot there, 
completely disrupting their operation for 
a couple of days. We were grateful for 
their cooperation and yours. Here's a pres- 
ent for your “shooing.” 


KIGER KUDOS 
While every year you select a Playmate 
of the Year, I feel you should also select a 
cover girl of the year. Susan Kiger, “al 
most in her T-shirt” on your November 
cover and in her custom-designed wet suit 
on your March cover, would certainly re- 
ceive my vote. And she's really not a bad 
choice for Playmate of the Year, either. 
K.L. T. Jayare 
Montreal, Quebec 


I'm in a club called the Beer Can Col 
lectors of America. When my wife picked 
up the November issue, she said to me, 


NEW AND 
-Å 


"Did you sce this beer can?" I said, 
“What can?” With Susan on the cover, I 
never even noticed the beer can. I must 
apologize to my fellow B.C.C.A. members, 
but I'm sure they understand. 

Mike Fish 

Hudson Falls, New York 


Susan Kiger is beyond good-looking; 
Arthur Kretchmer got an instant brilliant 
idea and Tom Staebler shot the best cover 
of the year. 


(Name withheld by request) 
Springfield, Oregon 


FAULTLESS FRANK 
I want you to 


now how relreshing it 
is to read about a man like Frank Gifford 
(Nice Guys Finish First, PLAYBOY, No- 
vember). He is certainly a man to admire 
and I can casily understand why so many 
men identify with him. He is the kind of 
man others value as a nd. Unfortu- 
nately, it's articles on the kos of this 
world that sell magazines, so we don’t get 
many like the one Marty Bell wrote. (As 
a friend jokingly said, “Who'll read the 
article on Gifford? He's normalt”) 

George Lester 

Santa Clara, California 


COTTONTAIL BEAUTIES 

I just had to write to tell you that the 
Bunnies of 77 pictorial in the November 
e of PLaynoy is very inspiring. And 
particularly inspiring is Bunny Sarit 
Buuterfield. 


Н. Santana 
New York, New York 


What did I do to deserve the picture 
of Candace Collins that appears in your 
November issue? All I can say is, you're 
much too kind! 


Mike Pieril 
Livonia, Michigan 


I think Bunnies of '77 is the best 
pictc I have ever seen in your maga- 
zine and I feel that Candace Collins is 
the most beautiful of them all. 

William Ri 
Baltimore, М 


Hope Olson, in Bunnies of 77 
sexiest woman I have ever seen. 
not mistaken, that was she I 
glimpse of on a 
Cpisode, “Starsky and Hutch on Playboy 
Island.” I hope I get to see more of this 
luscious beauty in the months to come. 
Panick Clerkin 
Columbus, Indiana 
You are not mistaken; that was Hope— 
and if you had looked closer, you would 
have scen Playmate Daina House and 
Playmate of the Year Patti McGuire as 
well. 


IE I'm 
got a 
recent Starsky and Hutch 


As a new subscriber to your ma, 
I can only say, Why didn't I subs 
sooner? With women like Cathy Gobel, 


every man should read rrAvzov; it's an 

investment. I hope that we will sce much 

morc of Cathy in the coming months. 

PLAYBOY is definitely a magazine of 

impeccable taste. 
(Name withheld by request) 
New York, New York 


Texas Bunny Cathy Gobel is very 
beautiful, to say the least. 
A. J- Morris 
Akron, Ohio 


What are you guys trying to do? Give 
us all heart attacks? Sccing Cathy Gobel 
made our hearis stop for about ten sec- 
onds. We didn't think they would ever 
start up again. She has got to be the most 
beautiful girl who has ever graced the 
pages of your fine magazine. 

Dave Carlson 
Melvin Larson 
Fullerton, California 

Sorry about that, fellas. We had already 
gone (0 press when we realized we had 
shown only the “heart-stopping” side of 


Cathy Gobel. This is the “heart-starting” 
side and we can only hope we're nol too 
late. 


Janis Schmitt has my yote for Play- 
mate and makes me wish I resided in 
St. Louis. 

K. S. Floberg 
Altus, Oklahoma. 


There is only one word in the English 
language to describe Janis Schmitt of 
the St. Louis Club and that is ohmigod. 

Jim Merenda 
Allentown, Pennsylvania 

Wrong, Jim. There is another word, 
Playmate, as you'll see when you check 
oul this month’s cenierfold. 


ТҺе first m 
real taste in 
any low tar. 


The natural cigarette did it. 
It's rich and full and it satisfies. 


It's Real. 


Your cigarette enhances its flavor Of course, the menthol in Real 
artificially, All major brands do. Real does Menthol is fresh, natural. Not synthetic. 
not. We use only the finest tobacco blend You get a rich and round and deep taste. 
and add nothing artificial. Nothing. A total taste that satisfies. Yet it’s low tar. 


Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined Only 9mg. tar. 
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. 


© 1978 R. J. Reynolds Tabacco Co. 


It's here now. The new Toyota Celica. The first 
Toyota for the 80's. A car which meets or exceeds 
all 1980 Federal fuel economy and safety stan- 
dards. The latest in Toyota engineering advance- 
ments and wind tunnel test refinements have 
produced an aerodynamic work of art. The smart 
money will be on this smart looking car. 


A beautiful, fine machine. The Celica GT 
Liftback's aerodynamic design has contributed 
to increased interior room (4" at the shoulder), 
reduced interior noise, increased stability, ac- 
celeration and efficiency. The cockpit in- 
strumentation is a beautiful example of 
functional engineering. Add to these 
refinements MacPherson strut 
front suspension, power assisted 
front disc brakes, steel belted ra- 
> dials, and you have 
the Celica’s handling 
y formula. 


than pretty good. A 2.2 liter 


,, overhead cam power 


z 5-speed overdrive 


transmission delivers Grand ff 
Touring driving excitement h Wis 
and Toyota economy. In EPA 
lests the Celica GT Liflback 
was rated at 34 highway, 20 
city. These EPA ratings are 
estimates. Your mileage will | 
vary depending on your driv- 
ing habits and your car's condition and equipment. California 
ratings will be lower. 
— The beauty is value. The 1978 Celica GT 
Liflback delivers traditional Toyota dependabil- 
ity, and value. Reclining bucket seals with 
newly designed adjustable driver's seat 
lumbar support and AM/FM Stereo are 
standard. The Liftback features a rear hatch 
which opens to a fold down, split rear seat 
= ==" The GT Liftback options include power 
steering, automatic transmission, and something no other Toyota 
has—the feeling of the wind in your hair from the optional sun roof 
{available Jan. 1978). The 1978 Celica. Comes in two other models 
as well—the GT and ST Sport Coupes. Dynamically practical cars 
for the 805 at your dealer today. 


©уйа Maior Sales U S AINE 1977 


as и 1 
f course youeanlive without Chivas Regal. 


Тре question is, how well? 


d 


/ 47 d CHINAS REGAL «IEYEARS OLB WORE ql E» BLENDED SCOTCH WHISKY Б PROOFS GENERAL WINE & SPIRITS CO. NEW YORE, NY 
^/ 


Dallas construction worker was just 
about to leave for a new position in 
go when he was notified that the job 
offer was canceled. Seems he'd failed the 
company's physical because a computer 
had given him an А-3 rating: rejected be- 
cause of pregnancy. He finally convinced 
the firm to hire him—but a clause in his 
new healthinsurance policy forbids ma- 
ternity benefits in the first nine months. 
. 

Up yours, too. An ad in the San Diego, 
California, Reader offered this souvenir 
from the king of rock: “Rectal ther- 
mometer uscd by Elvis Presley. $40 or 
best offer.” 


for a chance to promote cable- 
service, an attractive blonde sales 


Lookin, 
у 

manager for Teleprompter taped а bro- 
chure about Home Box Office programs 
to the elevator door in her apartment 
building, along with a note that read, “If 
you are interested in an entertainment 
alternative, please contact me in Apt. 
314." Naturally, some joker ripped off the 
brochure and left the note. 


According to this ad in Arizona's 
Mesa East Pennysaver, paring 
down a family can be a blast: 
“Mossberg .22 cal. rifle with scope 

get, varmint 


very clean great for 
or kids." 


. 
Some guys just can't say no. A 
d; 


justice of the peace in Quixadá, 
Brazil, was somewhat startled when 
four young women, all intending 
to marry the same man, appeared 
at his office. The busy suitor, 21- 
year-old Raimundo Nonato N 
mento, was apparently considered 
quite handsome and certainly one 
of the better catches in the аге: 
or so thought his four fiancées. The 
J.P. told the young man he could 
marry only one of the ladies, so 


ci- 


PLAYBOY AFTER 


he chose one, married her in a quick 
ceremony and split town to avoid the 
vengeance of the three jilted senhoritas. 
Nascimento admitted to passersby that 
he'd promised to marry all four; he just 
hadn't figured the scheduling too well. 

. 

A masked bandit burst into a small 
suburban bank outside Меш, France, near 
closing time and demanded of the teller— 
at gunpoint—all the day's deposits. The 
teller obligingly stuffed the money into a 
canvas bag, which the robber grabbed— 
then decided to count its contents, which 
came to a mere S800. Whereupon he 
screamed, “Just who do you think I am?" 
threw the cash down and stormed out of 
the bank. 


Canadian prisons have been employing 
the popular rehabilitation technique of 
overnight conjugal Опе of 
readers reports that one prison has been 
sending out letters urging government 
adoption of this “new penile reform. 


visits. our 


Now, that's what we call a roadside 
attraction! In Methuen, Massachusetts, a 
motorist stopped to warn police of a pos- 
sible trafic hazard: а female flasher. 
Scems the young lady, hitchhiking along 
Route 93, was throwing open her sweater, 
revealing to passing motorists how well 
endowed she was. But a patrolman dis- 
patched to the scene found the lady, 
fully clothed, in the company of two men 
and—said a newspaper account—"sent 
her on her way without making a pinch.” 
If only he'd gotten there sooner. . . . 
. 

An English clergyman pleaded guilty 
to a charge of shoplifting phonograph 
records and was fined $200. His modus 
operandi was, if nothing else, original: 
He carvied a collection box with secret 
compartments and two slots—a large one 
for albums and a small one for singles. 

° 

Caught with his pants gone: After en- 
joying an early-morning sexual romp 
with a young lady on the lawn of the Fed. 
eral courthouse in Santa Fe, New 
Mexico, a 80-year-old man told the 
police he was asked by his eager 
partner for an encore. Pleading 
fatigue, he begged off—whereupon 
the lady declared, “To hell with 
you,” grabbed his Levis and ran off. 

. 

Petty misdemeanor: A student 
at Washington State Univer: 
cited for keeping pet rabbits in his 
room, told officials, "You can take 
me off the list. I ate 'em." 

б 


Strolling near а pond оп his 
property in East Lincoln, North 
Carolina, a farmer stumbled upon 
a naked leg sticking out of a thick- 
et. Hastily, he notified the county 
sheriff's office that he'd discovered 
a dead body. Police sped to the 
scene to investigate a possible 


21 


PLAYBOY 


murder—and found two naked teenagers 
making love in the bushes. 
. 

This party mus have been a gas. 
Writing in the New England Journal of 
Medicine, a doctor from the Unive 
of Colorado Medical Center described a 
sudden outbreak of acute diarrhea among 
35 staff members who had attended a 
birthday party for the chief medical resi- 
dent. Investigation of this, uh, widespread 
coincidence pointed to а chocolate birth- 
day cake served to the partygoers. The 
cake apparently was frosted with phenol- 
phthalein compound, otherwise known as 
Chocolate Ex-Lax. 

А 

In ап article in Lake Tahoe, Califor- 
nia's Tahoe World, the Tahoe Arca 
Rapid Transit—known by its acronym, 
TART—was cited for not providing 
enough service to accommodate 8000 
Worldwide Church of God convention- 
ters in town for the annual Feast of 
Tabernacles. The headline over the arti- 
de read: “TART FAILS TO LINK UP WITH 
CHURCH OF со! 


А 

Robert Beckner is the type of guy who 
сап sleep anywhere. One night in Han- 
over, Pennsylvania, he aligned himself 
between the railroad tracks to catch some 
Zs and soon fell into a деер, deep sleep. 
Shortly thereafter, a speeding West Mary- 
land Railroad freight train approached 
: but by the time the 
engincer spotted him and slammed on the 
brakes, 40 feet of railway cars had passed 
over him. Police found Beckner—whom 
they had to shake to awaken—still sound 
asleep and unharmed. 


5 

From columnist Herb Caen, we learn 
that the U.S. Patent and Trademark 
Office has approved registration of a 
chicken restaurants slogan—“Only a 
breast in the mouth is better than a leg 
in the hand.” Turned down by the same 
office as "obscene," though, was a bras- 
Меге named the Booby Trap. 


This sign, drawn and leuered by a 
youngster, appeared in the window of a 
Chicago blood-donor center: CAN YOU 
TAKE A LITTLE PRICK, AND SAVE A LIFE! 

. 

After a would-be robber called the 
First Federal gs and Loan Associt- 
tion of New Smyrna, Florida, to make a 
holdup reservation—telling the sw 
board operator, “Put your money in a 
. FI get there later to rob you"— 
police were summoned. The officers 
waited patiently at the bank until 12:30 
к.м. then decided the call had been a 
hoax and left, Sure enough, about an 
hour later, а man wearing a motorcyclist’s 
helmet with the face shield pulled down 
presented a teller with a bag and ordered 
her to fill it up. By the time police made 
it back to the bank, the guy had split— 
with about $3000. 


PBS MEETS CBS 


t is understood 
| that PBS (public 
television) is lofty, x 
nourishing and 
important. Unfor- 
tunately, no one 
watches it. Com- 
mercial television, 
on the contrary, is 
regarded as mind- 
less, pointless and 
even harmful—but 
150,000,000 people 
watch it every day. 
PBS complains of 
insufficient funds 
and low viewer- 
ship, while com- 
mercial television 
is berated for its 
violence and lack 


\** /+ 


MUSICAL 
HIGHLIGHTS 
What Is 
Life? . . Jcan- 
Paul, Sonny 
ISing, 
Therefore, 
IAm..The 
Jacksons 
9:00 UPSTAIRS, 
DOWN- 
STAIRS, 
BOOK 
TWO 
In the lusty 
continuation 
of the British 
hit, the Bcl- 
lamys have 
moved to Las 
Vegas, where 


M 


of substance. The 

logical solution to both of these prob 

lems is a marriage of, say, CBS to PBS. 

What follows is a hypothetical televi- 

sion listing for any prime-time evening 

after the wedding, 

6:30 CELEBRITY SPANISH 
Henry Winkler, McLean Steven- 
son, Hal Linden and Penny 
Marshall learn conversational 
Spanish. Today: ordering food, 
telling time and counting to 
90. Host: Trini Lopez. 

7:00 MARGARET 
Margaret Mead stars as an an- 
thropologist who discovers a 
zany tribe of Stone Age people 
called the Wing Dings. In the 
premiere episode, Margaret cata- 
logs the Wing Dings’ courtship 
gestures and treats Ginka for am- 
nesia, 1 Ken Berry. Ginka: 
Peggy Lipton. Dr. Hornsby: Har- 
ry Morgan. 

7:30 M*A*T*H 
The wacky adventures of a group 
of mathematicians assigned to 
the same company during the 
Korean War. Tonight Frank 
finds a parallelogram in his shoe. 
Rhombus buys a blackamarket 
adding machine and gets caught. 
Rhombus: Warren Berlinger. 
Frank: Paul Sand. Professor 
Tuesday: Isaac Asimov. 

8:00 SONNY AND SARTRE 
French existential philosopher 
Jean-Paul Sartre teams up with 
Sonny Bono for an hour of 
thought-provoking fun. Comedy: 
Rich Little impersonates Ber- 
trand Russell and joins Jean-Paul 
for a spoof of the ontological 
argument. Sonny and Jean-Paul 
prove to Paul Lynde that he 
doesn't exist. 


9:30 


10:00. 


10:30 


Mr. Bel 
is the owner of a casino. 
night Hudson makes a snuff 
film. Mr. Bellamy pays off dhe 
police. Mrs. Bellamy goes to a 
motel with a cabaret singer and 
Rose sells cocaine to a narc. 
SCHOLARS’ ROAST 
Tonight the Scholars roast 
Howard Cosell. William F. 
Buckley, Ben Bradlee, Ken Gal 
braith, Cindy Williams, Sally 
Struthers, Barbara Jor id 
Foster Brooks join in the fun. 
THE JEFFERSONS 
The adventures of our third 
President. George Carlin stars 
as Thomas Jefferson in this hi- 
larfous send-up of American 
history. In the premiere episode, 
when Tom signs the Noninter- 
course Act of 1807, Hattie, one 
of his slave girls, thinks the 
act applies to her and runs 
away. Наше: Bernadette Stanis. 
John Adams: John Davidson. 
James Madison: Chevy Chase. 
ALEXANDER SOLZHENI- 
TSYN AND DAWN 
Ante Johnson, Ralph Waite and 
John Denver join Alex for an 
hour of laughter, music and in 
sights into Soviet prisons. Com- 
edy: Arte plays а nearsighted 
physicist who leads a work-camp 
escipe—right imo the com- 
manders bedroom! Alex tor- 
tures Denver with corny jokes. 
Waite plays the only real nut in 
a Soviet mental institution. 

MUSICAL HIGHLIGHTS 
Dear Mr. Sakharov . .Dawn 
Don't Take Ме Home (Country 
Roads) . .John Denver 
Feelings lex and Dawn 
— JOHN HUGHES 


How tobuya 
television set with your 
eyes closed. 


Ever since the early days of television, 
manufacturers have stressed picture, 
picture, picture. 

As a result, television sound has 
changed little since the introduction of the 
first sets over 50 years ago. 

Hear as well as you see. 
But now to go along with Quasar's 
sharpest, clearest picture yet, we add 
—Eu—1 Audio Spec- 

лл „теу | тоссо 

| A Quasar exclusive, 

E it finally makes televi- 

| ө’ sion sound as good 

as It looks. 

Not one 
— ~~ speaker but three. 

You see, whether it's a 100 piece orchestra or БЕ 


a simple conversation, most televisions 
cram everything throuch one speaker. 
But our new Audio Spectrum z 
Sound sets have three speakers. 
Each technically tailored to reproduce 
a precise portion of the sound spectrum. 
Higher highs, lower lows. So 
there's a conventional speaker for mid-range 
sounds. A bass speaker specifically designed to 
deliver lower lows, plus another speaker for 
higher highs. 


Low Range 


Mid Range 


Together they add a whole new 
exciting dimension of reality to every 
show you watch. 
Why it's so real, that when you 
watch a concert you'll think 
you're in the front row instead of 
your living room. 
Some features we'd never 
change. Besides a great new 
sound system, Audio Spectrum 
Soundsets alsofeaturetraditional 
Quasar quality and reliability Because the show 
must always go on. And on. And on. 
So before buying your next TV, see your Quasar 
dealer and hear the difference Audio Spectrum 
Sound makes. And while you're there, see 
Quasar's Great Time Machine. It's a home video 
tape recorder that lets you record 
aa. your favorite programs to watch 
at your favorite times. (That's it 
under the TV set below.) 
But remember, if you 
dont hear Audio Spectrum 
= Sound, you might spend the 
next few years missing out on a lot 


Simulated Picture 


makes television special again 


24 


Qus Lindbergh, elite aviator, was 
the ultimate 20th Century dilettante. 
He comes across in his Autobiography of 
Values (Harcourt Brace Jovanovich) as a 
would-be Renaissance man whose one 
great feat made it possible for him to pro- 
ceed through the rest of his charmed life as 
a “consultant,” After dinner in Berlin with 
Hermann Goring, Lindbergh advised the 
Roosevelt Administration on German air 
strength: he consulted for Pan American 
on new air routes; he beseeched Roosevelt 
mot to go to war: he discussed rocketry 
with Goddard and Von Braun; he experi- 
mented with organ transplants under 
Alexis Carrel; and he played the existen- 
tial philosopher throughout. 

The great flier reveals himself as part 
t great daydreamer, but 
shows traces of the type of racist, el 
American chauvinism not uncommon in 
Teddy Roosevelt's time. Lindbergh was 
concerned with a “decline in genctic 
qualities of the human race.” He exp! 
how, at 26, he decided to go about wife 
hunting: “A girl should come from a 
healthy family, of course. My experience 
in breeding animals on our farm had 
taught me the importance of good hered- 
You did not have to be a scientist 
ize the overwhelming importance 
of genes and chromosomes." Lindy's 
perennial preoccupation was with the im- 
pact of technology on society, but he 
presents only a muddled pessimism about 
the future. He climbed out of his ap- 
parent confusion long cnough to deliver 
medicine to the flood-stricken masses of 
China and to shoot down Japanese 
planes over the Pacific; but Lindbergh's 
final book, stitched together posthumously 
from 2000 pages of manuscript by his 
friend nd editor-publisher William 
Jovanovich, is a rambling, disjointed 
search for the key of life that ends 
bluntly: “I am of the stars.” Still, d- 
bergh's peculiar vision of the first half of 
this century is an important picce of 
American history. 


. 

The odd, and perhaps most significant, 
thing about Tennessee preacher Will D. 
ampbell’s autobiography, Brother to a 
Dragonfly (Seabury), is that one who did 
not know that Campbell comes from poor- 
white stock could read the first 15 pages— 
packed with descriptions of his Southern 
rural boyhood—hardly being able to 
tell whether the author is black. or white. 
And that is as it should be, because if 
there has been one theme central to the 
gospel of this man who has been both a 
civil rights activist and a friend of Ku Klux 
Klansmen, it is that poor Southern blacks 
and whites have more in common with 
each other than differences between 
them and that it is, as Spiro Agnew once 
put it so indelicately, “the pointy-headed 


Lindy, we still hardly know ya. 


A pair of autobiographies, 
some Gilliatt stories and 
the real scoop on the Sixties. 


Dragonfly: Southern saga. 


liberals,” the industrialists and the pol 
cians who have had an investment in 
perpetuating racial hatred and disunity 
among the dispossessed of both races. 
“Preacher Will," as he is known to his 
neighbors, is not your ordinary man of 
God. His language is as spicy as the tobac- 
co he chews and his convictions are as 
strong as the Jack Daniel's he drinks. 
Campbell is a legendary figure in the civil 
rights movement: He escorted the first 
black children into Little Rock's deseg- 
regated schools in 1957; he negotiated for 
1 harmony with white businessmen in 
Montgomery and Birmingham; and he 
was one of the first white ministers to 
offer his time and his body to Martin 


ian 


Luther King, Jr's Southern Chri 
Leadership Conference. 

He is also one hell of a writer. Brother 
to a Dragonfly is more than his autobiog- 
raphy; it is the story of his fathomless 
relationship with his older brother Joe, 
who was crushed and killed by the same 
conditions that crush and kill so many 
poor Southern blacks. More than that, it 
is an account of the turmoil the South 
endured during the Fifties and Sixtic 
when the winds of change began shaking 
the rafters in the house of General Lee. 
All the characters seem to intertwine, the 
grandpas and grandmas and aunts and 
uncles and cousins and friends; ordinary 
people with ordinary sufferings rolled up 
into a ball speeding headlong toward an 
immovable future. And when the ball col- 
lided with tomorrow, many were left 
dazed d injured. Will D. Campbell, 
however, not only survived but retained 
the memories indelibly in his heart. 
Whatever meaning the history of the 
South for Amcrica lives in him. 
Brother to a Dragonfly, like a big plate of 
ham hocks and red beans and rice, stays 
with you long alter you've finished it. 

. 

One who entered adulthood in the tur- 
bulent Sixties and has yet to digest that 
decade's massive tapestry of events faces 
a book titled Twilight of the Young: The 
Radical Movemenis of the 1960s and Their 
Legacy (Holt, Rinehart & Winston) with 
apprehension, even resentment, After all, 
everybody is trying to figure out wha 
happened and here comes Klaus Mehnert, 
а 70-year-old German, claiming to give us 
the big picture. 

But Mehnert is not your ordinary 
academic old wheeze. He's a political 
theorist, a former student activist of 
sorts who was educated in Germany and 
the United States, and a follower and 
analyst of left-wing politics for 40 years. 

Mchnert singles out one common 
thought that links all radical students, 
hippies and spiritual seekers: that we are 
entering a new age, that by the coming of 
a material or spiritual revolution, the 
world will undergo drastic changes within 
the next century. He recounts, with 
admirable selectivity and clarity, the now- 
legendary youth movements of the Sixties 
in three. counties—America, Japan and 
Germany—and manages to make it all 
fun to read. His cast of characters forms 
a mostic of where we've all been, starting 
with Jack Kerouac of On the Road and 
Allen Ginsberg of Howl and going on to 
include Mario Savio, Mark Rudd, Fidel 
Castro, Ché Guevara, Patty Hearst, Huey 
Newton, Eldridge Cleaver, Bob Dylan, 
Janis Joplin, the Beatles, the Maharishi 
Mahesh Yogi and hundreds more. 

Perhaps the most interesting thing 


about Twilight is its occasional brilliant 
observation on the American subculture. 
‘There is a brief, tongue-in-cheek section 
on the use of words like wow and their 
possible relationship to Zen. Mehnert 
points out that the number of women ter- 
rorists is remarkable, often outnumber 
ing men and frequently Jeading groups. 
1 the laid- 
back style of clothing they represent have 
become a common link betw 
cultures, classes and political philosophies, 
more than any religion has. For amyone 
who seriously wonders what the hell has 
been happening to us the past 15 or 20 
years, Twilight of the Young is a good 
place to start finding out. 
б 

You've got to have a special palate 
to enjoy Penclope Gilliatt—her movie 
reviews in The New Yorker simultaneous: 
ly draw raves and Bronx cheers. And her 
one screenplay, Sunday Bloody Sunday, 
was a film you either loved or hated. The 
same is true of her new collection of 
short stories, Splendid Lives (Coward, Mc 
Cann & Geoghegan)—you'll either want 
to read through all nine of the stories 
at one sitting or youll put them down 
in disgust, dismissing them as too pre- 
cious, too heady, too cool. 

All the stories deal with re 
the curious friendship between an Amer- 
ican girl and a bishop who's thinking of 
writing a biography of a horse; a rather 
wacky ménage û trois (of sorts) among а 
professor, his wife and their male friend. 
The best story in this slim collection is 
Autumn of a Dormouse, a strangely 
charming tale about a child raised by a 
grandmother who takes him on imaginary 
trips. When the child's father remarries 
and decides he wants his son back, Grand- 
ma ventures to lake her grandson on a 
real trip overseas—she withdraws $69.000 
from her savings account to buy 18 open- 
return tickets to Rome, The odd couple 
crisscrosses the Atlantic day after day, en 
joying the flights’ first-class service, caviar 
and champagne. The story, reminiscent 
of the special friendship of Harold and 
Maude, is bewitchin, 


He notes that bluc jcans а 


n diverse 


. 

Although this book came out last 
November, we сарт resist telling you 
about it in the hope that you, too, may 
have wondered how much it costs to rent 
an original Picasso, what it will set you 
back to have a permanent erection 
through surgery or what kind of dough 
you're going to have to shell out to have 
someone's leg broken. Thanks to Barry 
Tarshis, we now have the answers to 
those and other pressing concerns in 
What И Costs (Putnam). He tastefully be- 
gins with a chapter called “Redoing Your- 
which estimates the cost of changing 
your sex: "That little extravagance will 
run you $3000 for male-to-female surgery, 
$15,000 for female-to-male surgery. Get- 
ting a face lift is a lot cheaper. 


=a а 
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and get yourself an Ektelon.” 


For a free copy of Ektelon’s 24-page "Guide to < 
Better Racquetball’ write: EKTELON, Dept. PL-02 (C 
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EKTEION. 


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25 


26 


MOVIES 


ay back when the silent two-reelers 
Ws being nudged into history by 
we now call feature-length films, the 
perennial question as to how long a 
movie could or should be was answered 
definitively by pioneer producer Carl 
Laemmle with another query: “How long 
is it good?" There's the rub that underlies 
any discussion of Bernardo Bertoluc 
controversial 1900, finally released in a 
four-hour version because U. 
шогу were scared stiff by an unwieldy 
epic that ran well over five hours when it 
was first unveiled at the Cannes Film 
Festival in 1976. So now we haye a dras- 
tically cut 1900, brought to us by the 
same brilliant, angry, intemperate Italian 
who made Last Tango in Paris and 
fought like a tiger to keep his new baby 
from being butchered on the editing 
able. Having seen the long and short of 
nd applying old Laemmle's acid test 
without the use of a stop watch, I calcu- 
lue that 1900 is really good. and often 
extraordinary, for approximately two and 
a half hours, Since Bertolucci at his worst 
would be more interesting than nine out 
of ten moviemakers, the odds still fayor 
1900 as x madly ambitious epic, not to be 
missed by those serious enough about 
cinema to take the bitter with the sweet. 
The bitter, of course, is the naively 
slanted sermonizing in Bertolucci's polit- 
ical history of modern Italy, revealed 
through the offagain, on-again lifelong 
friendship between a wealthy landowner's 
son (Robert DeNiro) and a peasant work- 
стэ son (Gerard Depardieu) who are born 
on the same day at the beginning of the 
century. Both DeNiro and Depardieu are 
dynamic; ѕо аге Burt Lancaster and Ster- 
ling Hayden, playing their respective 
fathers—though it seems futile to mix 
jor American, French and Ita stars 
a multilingual international mishmash 
that leaves everyone who isn't. actually 
dubbed sounding postsynced and gives 
the entire picture a dead sound that takes 
some getting used to. In fact, 1900 doesn't 
ap to life until Dominique Sanda 
s—poking a cigar into her mouth 
through a tangle of wet, just-washed hair 
that completely hides her face—as the 
giddy, eccentric playgirl who becomes 
Пепо bride, but won't be his dupe, 
and finally scorns his softness toward 
fascism. Bertolucci makes his points most 
memorably when he has the decadent 
upper classes snifling cocaine and carous- 
ing half-naked, or when he sharply con- 
urasts the rich-man, poor-man attitudes of 
Alfredo (DeNiro) and Olmo (Depardicu) 
during a drunken youthful spree, when 
they jump bare-assed into bed together 
with a sad whore (Stefania Cassini) who 
about to have an epileptic fit. It's 
heavier going when the film focuses on 
Donald Sutherland as a blackshirted Fas- 


ш; 


1900: best at half the length. 


At last, Close Encounters 
and 1900; Turning Point teams 
Bancroft and MacLaine. 


dst villain, a one-dimensional character 
whose consummate acts of evil include. 
everything but tw his mustache. Flip 
the coin of Sutherland’s wickedness and 
you find liberated peasants who emerge 
from World War Two chanting slogans, 
and waving red flags as if all uh 
major battles had been won by Marxist 
idealism instead of by the Allies’ infantry- 
DeNiro, Depardieu, Sanda, Sutherland, 
Laura Betti, Alida Valli and the other 
showstoppers under Bertoluci's com- 
mand deliver enough socko scenes for 
several movies, even longish ones. But 
when Bertolucci sets out to pay his dues as 
a Europcan leftist intellectual, he is soph- 
omoric and simplistic and lets 1900 slip. 
away in the dull rhetoric of radical chic. 
б 

Writer-director Steven Spielberg's Close 
Encounters of the Third Kind—under a cloud 
of secrecy since its budget started so: 
like a UFO into the stratospheric neigh- 
borhood of $20,000,000—can't escape 
comparison with other current and past 
epics. Certainly, Close Encounters lacks 
the moment-by-moment, hairtrigger sus- 
pense of Spielberg's own Jaws, a box- 
office phenomenon that grossed over 
5100,000,000. Neither does it pack the 
wallop of Star Wars as straightforward 
entertainment, and while Spielberg stri 
for cosmic depths in the manner of 2001: 


A Space Odyssey, Stanley Kubrick's classic 
is still untouchable. Even so, Close En- 
counters has all the audio-visual razzle- 
dazzle that money can buy. And 
$20,000,000 can buy а hell of a lot of 
special-effects wizardry by Douglas Trum- 
bull (who did the same for 2001). plus 
cinematography by no fewer than five of 
moviedom's sharpest talents—director of 
photography Vilmos Zsigmond, assisted on 
various locations from India to Al 
by Douglas Slocombe, William 
John Alonzo and Laszlo Kovacs. It would 
be a wonder if Glose Encounters did not 
knock audicnees for a loop as a light 
show with UFOs flashing across the 
screen in psychedelic splendor while а 
couple of ordinary Americans (Richard 
Dreyluss and Melinda Dillon) and the 
head of an internatio: 
team (crisply played by French director 
François Truffaut) prepare, in their sep- 
te ways, to meet the visitors face to face. 
Which is exactly what's meant, of course, 
by an encounter of the “third kind 

The frayed, second-rate pretensions of 
his script appear to be Spielberg’ 
handicap, particularly when he tics to 
juggle some heavy symbolism—alter the 
cerie early sequences when Dillon’s young 
son (Cary Gufley) is actually whisked 
aboard a spaceship, prior to ап awesome 
climax, at Devils Tower, Wyoming. To 
ural rock formation the 
way Kubrick wed the black slab in 2007 
simply doesn't work. It is an arbitrary 
symbol, picturesque but meaningless. The 
real credibility crunch comes, however, in 
one preposterously wrong scene, when 
Dreyfus, as a power-company lineman 
obsessed by UFOs and a kind of ESP, 
frightens off his wife (Teri Gam) and 
kids, rips up all the soil and shrub- 
bery around his ranch home and fren- 
ziedly builds a replica of Devils Tower 
in the middle of the livingroom floor. 
Believing in Close Encounters all the way 
demands more childlike jocence than 
most adult moviegoers can muster, yet the 
film simultaneously affects a certain in- 
tellectual sophistication that Spielberg 
fails to sustain. Judged purely as a movie- 
maker, he remains, at the age of 30, a 
bona fide wonder boy. As a futuristic 
philosopher or mystic, he's just an over- 
privileged whiz kid on a Kubrick trip who 
tries a little too hard to seize and hold our 
attention by refitting a simplistic UFO 
drama of the Fifties with high-minded 
words, some very costly hardware and—at 
long last—a landing party of amiable 
traterrestrial munchkins. Sad to say, after 
the big build-up and a truly spectacular 
entrance, they arrive bearing no message 
at all. 


. 
Winner of the best-actress award at the 
1976 Cannes festival (where 1900 was 


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“Liza introduced us to 
white rum and soda at an 
Andy Warhol party.” 


We first met Liza Minnelli at a party Andy Warhol gave for his magazine 
"Interview" What amazed us about her was that the personality she projects on stage 
is not an act at all. Its simply Liza. She radiates such warmth and enthusiasm that after 
an hour of conversation we both felt as if wed known her all our lives. 

During the evening I asked Liza if could get her a drink and she ordered 
something I'd never tasted before: white rum and soda. It sounded interesting (Liza 
has a way of making everything sound interesting) so I tried one. Then my wife tried 
one. From that moment, white rum and soda has been one of our favorite drinks. 

White rum also mixes marvelously with tonic, is fantastic with orange juice 
and makes a better martini than gin or vodka. 

A Warhol party, the start of a friend- 
ship with Liza Minnelliand an introduction to 
white rum. 

Not bad for one evening. 


Convert yourself. 


Instead of automatically ordering a vodka 
and soda, try white rum and soda next 
time. You'll find it makes a smoother 
drink than vodka (or gin) for a very good 
reason. Unlike gin and vodka, white 
rum is aged for at least a full year before 
its bottled, And when it comes to 
smoothness, aging isthe name 
of the game. 
T 

PUERTO RICAA RUMS 
Aged for smoothness and taste. 
For free"Light Rums of Puerto Rico” recipes, write: Puerto Rican Rums, 


Dept, P-2, 1290 Avenue of the Americas, N.Y., N.Y. 10019 
©1977 Commonwealth of Puerto Rico. 


PLAYBOY 


30 


shown out of competition) for her role in 
The Inheritance, а rich costume drama di- 
rected by Italy's Mauro Bolognini, Domi- 
nique Sanda (again) reasserts the starry 
charisma that has invited comparisons 10 
Garbo's talent and Dietrich's beauty. Ac- 
tually, Sanda is incomparable. She has а 
camera magic all her own, which tends to 
obliterate every otber actor on the screen 
the moment she appears—even when, as 
in this case, the other actors are а com- 
pany of aces headed by Anthony Quinn. 
Quinn plays a retired bakery tycoon who 
loathes his children and jealously guards 
the bulk of his fortune until Sanda, a 
simple shopkeeper's daughter, marries the 
stupider of his two sons (Luigi Proietti), 
seduces the other (Fabio Testi) and quiet- 
ly begins plotting ways to attract the old 
man to her bosom, which has become 
more or les a family asset. Bolognini’s 
controlled direction (from an engrossing. 
literate screenplay by Ugo Pirro and 
Sergio Bazzini) makes The Inheritance a 
tour de force of naked greed and bitchery 
from beginning to end. But it is Domi- 
nique who is truly in charge here. She's 
electric, enigmatic, as coolly cunning as 
Helen of Troy and all those historic 
ladies who caused empires to crumble 
with a seductive smile or the flutter of a 
lash. She wraps The Inheritance around 
her like a smart St. Laurent cape and 
strides off with it to wild applause, at 
least from this corner—where Sanda, 
when the moon is full and the film is 
right, can do almost nothing wrong. 
. 

Anne Banaolt and Shirley MacLaine 
in The Turning Point act up a storm in a 
backstage drama designed to shatter any 
residual doubt that 1977 was а very good 
year for women in cinema. You don't 
have to bc a ballet freak to be turned on 
by Turning Point, though it might help, 
since the leading ladies are supported by 
Mikhail Baryshnikov (the ballet world's 
new matinee idol) and Leslie Browne 
(prima ballerina and movie newcomer, 
stepping airily through her dramatic de 
but as Shirley's gifted daughter). Just 
to describe the characters tips the whole 
plot of Tuming Point, which opens some 
locked doors into the past both for the lady 
who left the stage and for her former 
closest friend and rival (Bancroft), still a 
major star, though an aging one, with 
many talented youngsters already lim- 
bered up in the wings to take her place. 
Well, the confrontation between Deedee 
the nonpro and Emma the slipping 
superstar—with Miss Browne between 
them as young Emilia, who has to decide 
whether to follow in the footsteps of her 
mom or of her illustrious godmother—is 
an elegant soap opera, asking fairly obvi- 
ous questions about the choices women 
make and arriving at some fairly predict- 
able answers. There's no right or wrong 
way, because there's more than one way to 
be a woman. Got that, girls? The debate is 
made more exciting by MacLaine and 


Bancroft, who launch into it with cyes 
flashing, claws bared—at their peak in a 
memorable scene that starts as sly 
bitchery over drinks at the bar and ends 
in a catharsis of knock-down, drag-out 
combat that reduces both ladies to help- 
less laughter and belated recognition that 
the roads each has chosen have brought 
them to this ludicrous head-on collision 
provoked by envy, loneliness and self- 
doubt. Both are sensational and sure to 
be ncar the head of the line when Oscar 
nominations are handed out. 

Director Herbert Ross working with 
his wife, Nora Kaye (herself a celebrated 
ballerina of yesteryear), as executive pro- 
ducer on a script by Arthur (The Way 
We Were) aurents, offers countless 
added attractions with such distinguished 
guest stars as Antoinette Sibley, Fernando 
Bujones, Peter Martins, Martine Van 
Hamel and members of the American 


Baryshnikov and Browne in Turning Point. 


Ballet Theater, Tom Skerritt (as М 
Laines husband back home), Anthony 
Zcrbe (as an old fame rekindled in New 
York), Martha Scott (as the dance com- 
pany's scheming boss lady, with an сус for 
rich contributors to culture) and Marshall 
Thompson (as Bancroft’s асп m 
ried lover) add some flesh and blood to a 
spectacle well stocked with lyrical excerpts 
from Swan Lake and Sleeping Beauty. But. 

ack out of a mistaken notion 
that dance—gaining ground every усаг 
with audiences the length and breadth of 
America—is a field of limp daisies. Barysh- 
nikov alone, as a horny Russian der- 
vish med Yuri, who quickly coaxes 
young Emilia into his bed, delivers a 
performance worth the price of admi 
sion—combining potent, persuasive sex 
appeal with a display of the onstage 
virtuosity that wins him standing ovations 
everywhere. Nurcyev should have been so 
lucky in his ill-starred film debut as 
Valentino. 


D 

The origins of the James Dean cult 
are examined in an ambiguous, offhand 
manner by writer-director James Bridges 
in 9/30/55, the date of the actor's death. 
Richard Thomas (John-Boy of The Wal- 
tons) is almost supernaturally sensitive 
as Jimmy J., a college student in a small 
Arkansas town who becomes pretty god- 


damn silly about his hero worship. Even 
so, Thomas’ matchless performance and 
the fine Fifties look of the cinematogr 
phy by Gordon Willis—shooting on loca 
tion in Conway, Arkansas—are the selling 
points of 9/30/55. Otherwise, it’s hard to 
tell exactly what Bridges had in mind. He 
keeps rewing up our anticipation as if 
something important is about to be 
or implied, regarding the state of society 
in the mid-Fifties—and settles for straight- 
forward local color and nostalgia every 
time. The film opens with Thomas in 
tears at the local movie show, watching 
the final scene of East of Eden for the 
fourth time, and ends as he’s leaving 
town while the same theater marquee is 
lit up with Marilyn Monroe in The Seven 
Year lich. That пісе rueful touch is just 
а nice rueful touch; it really tells us very 
little about what movies and movie stars, 
dead or alive, mean to middle Americ 
When Jimmy J., after an impromptu 
wake, a séance and a night of drunken 
pranks that ends in near tragedy, says he's 
heading out to California, dressed like 
Dean, to meet all the people Dean knew, 
to talk to them—becawse he's just sce 
Rebel Without a Cause and saw himself 
in it so much—he begins to sound like a 
al head case and not just an average, 
d who wants more out 


impressionable 
of life than he can get from steady dates 
with а home-coming queen and occasional 
trips to soak up culture in Little Rock. 


FILM CLIPS 


Mr. Klein: French anti-Semitism 
guilt are ou the loose again. It's The 
Sorrow and the Pity syndrome revisited 
in a stylish and enigmatic psychodrama 
by director Joseph Losey—with Alain 
Delon as an aristocratic, rather snobbish 
art dealer named Klein, whose identity 
inexplicably begins to overlap that of 
another Klein, а Jew, in Nazi-occupied 
Paris circa 1942. Jeanne Moreau leads the 
supporting cast. and Delon's taut perform- 
ance helped win the French equivalent 
of an Academy Award for Best Picture, 
with Best Director honors to Losey. The 
movie's not bad, bur it's not that good. 

Thot Obscure Object of Desire: Sp. nish- 
born French master Luis Buñuel, at the 
age of 77, shows undiminished powers as 
a social and sexual satirist in this razor- 
sharp. brilliantly witty comedy about a 
prosperous middleaged man (Fernando 
Rey) who is obsessed by his passion for a 
changeable señorita named Conchita— 
who blows hot and cold and keeps disap- 
pearing (reappearing, on at least one 
occasion, in a formidable chastity belt). 
Buñuel has two actresses (Angela Molin: 
and Carole Bouquet) playing the role, 
just to confuse matters more mischievous- 
ly. The results are delightful variations 
on a subversive idea: that, in our time, 
the only remaining revolutionary act is 
to be wildly in love—and not have sex 
with the object of your propositions. 

—ALL REVIEWS BY BRUCE WILLIAMSON 


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32 


XRATED 


оһп С. Holmes flashes his mighty 
J sword with astounding frequency as 
star and director of The New Erotic Adven- 
tures of Casanova. Wadd fans won't be 
disappointed, since John is all there, 
every inch a challenge to а corps of porno 
queens whom he takes on singly, in pairs 
or three at a time. Measured against your 
average hard-core performer, if you're 
measuring lengthwise, Holmes remains 
Mr. Big. Measured for directorial skill, he 
falls far short. And Casanova, with its 
promise of new erotic adventures, is a 
misleading title, in any case, After a 
token visit to 18th Century Paris where 
there are period wigs, plus many buckles 
and britches to be removed—the movie 
fiashes quickly back to modern San Fran- 
cisco, for a scene between Holmes and 
аду psychiatrist. He thinks he's been 
dreaming, though he does have an an- 
tique treasure chest he inherited, con- 
taining some letters signed by Casanova 
as well as a vial of perfume that appears 
to be a powerful aphrodisiac. So much 
for Casanova and history. The rest of the 
show is wa I balling, a formula 
West Coast fuck film that ends; predict- 
ably, in a hard-on collision between. 
Supercock and his shrink. 

б 

Holmes again, as Johnny Wadd (“a 
hard-boiled private dick,” you should 
pardon the expression), meets Georgina 
Spelvin in the erotic high point of The 
Jade Pussycat. Two seasoned porno pros, 
John and Georgina are supposed to be 
adversaries in Pussycat’s willing plot, 
which owes more than a litle to The 
Maltese Falcon and has everyone in pur- 
suit of a statuette (Han dynasty) that's 
been priced at around a half million 
dollar. One of the pluckiest pursuers 
with whom Johnny tangles is an О: 
ental beauty named Jasmine, played 
by Linda Wong. There's а twist ending 
preceded by several lively erotic scenes, 
but action melodrama sull doesn't lend 
itself especially well to the requirements 
of hard-core. 


a 


б 

Nothing's sacred on the sex-film uit, 
so why hesitate to drum up 2 modern, 
undressed version of Snow White and the 
Seven Dwarfs? Dauntless writer-director 
Antonio Shepherd calls it Seven into Snowy 
and capitalizes on the air of innocence 
projected in the title role by Abigail Clay- 
ton (among the prominent The New Girls 
of Porn in our July 1977 pictorial. pres- 
ently making a major movie in Italy with 
Marcello Mastroianni). An heiress whose 
wicked stepmother forces her to do me- 
nial chores, Snowy seems content with 
her lot—turning on with a feather duster 
or the family chauffeur—as long as the 
stepmom’s magic mirror keeps reporting, 
Thou art the sexiest one of all and in 


John C. (for Casanova) Holmes. 


As a director, 
John C. Holmes makes 
a good Johnny Wadd. 


Spelvin and Wong in Pussycat. 


every man’s eyes the one he must ball.” 
Trouble starts when Snowy starts getting 
better notices, But instead of a poisoned 
apple, she is sent seven macho studs in 
leather (none of them dwarfed in any 
department), Abigail upstages them all, 
aided by Paul Thomas as her tall, dark 
and handy chauffeur, who turns out to be 
a prince among pricks. With porno gen- 
erally stalled in a dark age of derivative 
claptrap, Snowy looks pretty sparkling. 
о 

For his newest venture, writer-director 
John Waters has dumped Divine, the dog- 
shiteating heroine of his notorious Pink 
Flamingos, and hired 51-year-old Liz 
Renay—a former stripper and moll, most- 


ly celebrated for her association with mob- 
ster Mickey Cohen—to doll up Desperate 
living as à character named Muffy St. 
Jacques, described in a synopsis as "an 
oversexed. murderess accused of smother- 
ing her baby sitter in a bowl of dog food. 
Desperate Living also features some of the 
grossest-looking creatures since The Blob, 
allegedly of feminine gender. These in- 
clude a 400-pound maid named Grizelda 
(Jean Hill), who kills a man by sitting on 
him, plus a depraved queen (Edith 
Massey) who wants every subject in her 
crazy kingdom infected with rabies. Wa- 
ters’ weird, flagrantly offensive fairy tales 
have to be seen to be believed, 


. 


A muddled but vaguely "Thurberesque 
battle of the sexes is fought by Jean 
Rochefort Jean-Pierre Marielle in 
Femmes Fotales, director Bertrand Blier’s 
ually striking French fantasy about 
men who have had their fill of women 
and sex and would rather retire to the 
country to concentrate on food and drink. 
Mother Nature, being а woman, triumphs 
at last. Our heroes escape from 2 fuck 
factory for sex-starved femmes only to be 
cast ashore on a mysterious island. Two 
seemingly microscopic chauvinists, they 
stumble through a forest of pubic hair 
into the gargantuan vagina of a beautiful 
black giantess who is on the verge of 
losing her virginity. There we say aloha. 
Blier seems to have a message for the 
world that he cannot quite articulate, 
though the odds are good that feminists 
wouldn't like it. 


and 


. 

Exquisite camerawork and a kind of 
intense, ritualized eroticism that may 
seem as alien to U.S. audiences as a 
Japanese tea ceremony are the m 
attractions World, director 
Akio Jissoji’s lush biography of the cele- 
brated 18th Century erotic artist Kitagawa 
Utamaro. In his compulsive drive to 
capture “the floating nature of human 
pleasure,” Utamaro moves among thieves 
and courtesans, becomes the resident 
voyeur in a lively brothel and finally 
brings home a brigand to rape his own 
wife beciuse he wants to paint their 
coupling. Отака wife loves it but 
leaves him. And Utamaro's World, shown 
here with lots of footage trimmed, is 
richly lacquered maze of love scenes, 
crime in the streets, chases, duels and 
rescues, all complicated by more Japa- 
nese politics and history than a Western 
voyeur can easily handle at one sitting. 
The sex plays the thing. yes, but don't 
be misled by effusive advertising blurbs 
that exclaim. “He loved like a madman 
and painted like a man in love!" Actor 
Shin Kishida's coolly restrained perform- 
ance is a long, long way from the world 
of Harry Reems. —вм. 


of Utemaro's 


THE FISHER RS1056: 


IT'LL DO SOME NUMBERS ON YOUR EARS 


(WITHOUT DO if 


You can't have great stereo 
without great numbers. ..or "specs? 
And the new Fisher RS1056 has 
the best set of numbers in its class. 
Which shouldn't surprise you, when 
you remember that Fisher is the 
company that invented high fidel- 
ity 40 years ago and gave the world 4 
the first stereo receiver back in 1959. ~ 

Here's what we mean by great numbers: 
Sixty-eight watts RMS per channel, from 20 
to 20,000 Hz, with both channels driven into 
8 ohms. Plenty of power for clean, loud listen- 
ing—evenif your speakers aren't super-efficient. 

One tenth of one percent maximum 
harmonic distortion, at any power level from 
1/4 watt to 68 watts. Distortion so low that 
it's totally inaudible. 
Pure music is all you 
hear. 1.7 microvolt 
(9.8 dBf) FM sen- 
sitivity. Virtually 
equal to the most 
expensive separate 


| HAT AE ДИР 


4 NUMBER ON YOUR BUDGET). 


jon Pf 


pistor" 


FM tuners on the market! So even the 
weak stations come in loud, clear, and 
noise-free. 
But these specs alone dont tell the 
whole story on the RS1056. It's got all 
the convenience features and flexibility 
you're ever likely to need. The fact is 
this is the improved version of the famous 
top-rated Fisher RS1040 receiver. And there's 
one more number: Four hundred and fifty bucks 
That's our suggested retail value for the RS1056. 
And that's a lot less than you'd normally expect to 
pay for all this power and performance. 

So if you're looking for something more than 
just an ordinary receiver and ordinary sound, 
check out the RS1056 at any fine audio store, or 
the audio section of better department stores. 

For location of nearest 
Fisher dealer, call toll free 
1/800/528-6050, 
ext 871 from 
anywhere in U.S. 

Arizona residents call 
1/955-9710, ext. 871. 


6 


l7 FISHER 


The first name in high fidelity. 
©1977 Fisher Corporation, 21314 Lassen Street, Chatsworth, California 91311 


Menulacturer s suggested retail pice Actual selling puce is determined solely by indivicual dealer 


ite Criminals (Warner Bros) is Randy 
Newman's first album їп... hell, we 
don't even want to count the years. In 
his absence, a whole generation of semi- 
demented, would-be perverts calling 
themselves punk rockers has tried to cop 
his act. We aren't calling Newman the 
first punk rocker—for one thing, he’s in- 
telligent. For another, bis piano belongs 
in a Salvation Army band or a smoky 
San Francisco bawdyhousc. But we are 
calling Newman perverted, wry and one 
of our favorite crazies. The long-awaited 
album is everything we hoped for. There's 
a vicious song about short people. There's 
a song about a city that begins with the 
letter B (frst Birmingham, now Balti- 
more. Next stop, Berkeley). There are 
hypnotic love songs with simple phrases 
running over chords like worry beads. 
There's a patriotic number called Sig- 
mund Freud's Impersonation. of Albert 
Einstein in America. The album's getting 
plenty of airplay; it might even make 
Newman a star. 


. 

You have to hand it to McCoy Tyner. 
When the pianist picks himself some 
people to play with, he doesn't mess 
around; mothing but the best will do. 
Supertrios (Milcstone) is just that, It's a 
twin-LP album that’s split up the mid- 
dle—Tyner with bassist Ron Carter and 
drummer Tony Williams on one LP, 
Tyner with bassist. Eddie Gomez and 
drummer Jack DeJohnette on the other. 
The doubleheader descrves to do S.R.O. 
business. As a pianist, Tyner comes close 
to Keith Jarrett in inventiveness and has 
almost as many fingers as Oscar Peterson 
going for him. Some high points: the 
opener, Antonio Carlos Jobim's now- 
classic Wave; the "Tyner-Carter 
duet on Duke Ellington’s Prelude 
10 a Kiss; the Tyner original Hymn- 
Song; and a wonderful wrapup of Billy 
Strayhorn’s Lush Life. You should get 
hours of listening out of this. 

А 

About the вате time the king of rock 
put out the big light, we first heard an 
impressive New Wave import by a 
Buddy Holly lookalike calling himselt 
Elvis Costello. On his debut LP, My Aim Is 
True (released in this country by Colum- 
bia Records), Costello has captured the 
rare synthesis that every Sixties rock band 
dreamed of—the raw bluesiness of the 
Stones successfully mixed with a bouncy, 
early Beatles sound. My Aim Is True 
taps riffs that span two decades of pop- 
ular rock, From Mystery Dance, which 
sounds a tribute to his namesake's Jail- 
house Rock, to the Bowieish I'm Not 
Angry, the album, penned entirely by 
Costello, effects a stylistic history of rock 
"n' roll. Imagine Van Morrison with The 


32B Yardbirds produced by Phil Spector and 


Newman’ 


Randy is bent 
but dandy; McCoy is 
definitely the real. 


N 


Tyner +4= 6. 


you'll have an idea, Even better: Graham 
Parker meets Bruce Springsteen in Mo- 
town. Confused? Listen to My Aim Is 
True and try to tell us where you've 
heard it all before. 


. 

Foreign Affairs (Asylum), the new Tom 
Waits album, has a few surprises. Side 
one starts off with a string arrangement 
that's so lush we thought at first we had 
the wrong record. Tom Waits and strings? 
The very next cut features a duet by 


the master of phlegm rock and Bette 
Midler—a skid-row version of Nelson 
Eddy and Jeanette MacDonald. Alter 


that, though, the album settles down to 
vintage dregs: a long monolog оп Jack 
Kerouac and Neal Cassady; an. inspired 


rendition of small-town night life called 
Burma Shave that ranks right down there 
with Joni Mitchell's Barangrill: “And 
her knees up on the glove compartment / 
took out her barrettes and her hair spilled 
out like root beer / and she popped her 
nd arched her back. . . ." Yes, in- 
album is the pits. And we loved 
every minute of it. 
б 
Meet а very bad dude: Jon Smith. 
Sounds like an alias. Probably is. Never 
mind. He's one of the baddest tenor- 
saxophone players ever to come out of 
Texas. If he didn't look Mexican, you'd 
call him White Trash, In fact, that's what 
Edgar Winter calls the band he and 
Smith play in, Recycled (Blue Sky) is their 
new record and if it had come out from 
between a pregnant lady's legs, the doc- 
tor would have slapped it once 
declared it a monster. Jerry LaCroi 
lead singer, wears a Tshirt that says THE 
COUNT on the album's cover photo. That's 
because he used to play super funk clubs 
like the Bamboo Hut on the beach 
;alveston under the name Jerry "Count 
Jackson with a band called The Soul 
Counts. He sounds like a cross between 
Ray Charles and Bobby Bland, on whose 
music he was weaned. Recycled is not 
somcone's leftovers. It's brand-new, old- 
time, straightahead, hard-nosed, тоск 
roll boogiewoogie. Buy it soon under 
your local counter. 
б 
Punk rock, rock "п" roll’s latest assault 
on human decency, may be on the verge 
of going national. Previously confined in 
the U.S. to the more decadent quarters 
of the rotting Big Apple, with outposts 
here and there in other cities, New 
== = Wave rock—as its followers style 
it—now has a big record company 
pushing it in the provinces. 
Warner Bros. has recorded three of 
w York's most popular bands on its 
re label. The three: Richard Hell and 
The Voidoids, Blank Generation; Talking 
Heads, Talking Heads: 77; and the Dead 
Boys, Young Loud end Snott; 
Punk rockers have gotten more atten- 
tion from critics than from the rest of 
the world, and these records provide a 
pretty clear reason why. All three groups 
are very literary. Talking Heads and 
Richard Hell both provide printed lyrics 
on the record sleeve, just in case you 
can't hear the words for the fuzz tone. 
Hell and The Voidoids have the surly, 
scruffy look of punk rockers and Hell's 
lyric reflect the punkish mood. They are 
filled with despair, cynicism and hostility. 
Blank Generation opens with the line “I 
was sayin’ let me outa here before I was 
even born." Who Says? (H's Good to Be 
Alive?) is about what you would expect it 
to be about. The Plan tells of a man who 


N 


My photographs... 
lifes moments held suspended in time. 


Special moments in life mean so 
much. You're sure you could 

never forget them. But, time moves 
inexorably forward, and even the 
most precious of moments fade 


фм ou uo yi бу 


into distant memories, Only =. 
photographs сап keep them alive. A 
Thats why photography has 4 


become so important to me. It lets 
me reach into the past and see it 
as it really was. It helps me 
preserve the present, which too 
soon becomes the past. Bui more 
important, I can capture the 
future, full of its surprises. Truly 
memorable photographs are 
simply beyond the capabilities of 
an ordinary camera. 

1 wanted a camera versatile 
enough for all those moments, 
built to last a lifetime and 
dependable enough never to let 
me down. I chose Nikon—the. 
camera the pros depend on. I м 
already knew Nikon was the best 
35mm camera made. and when 
my dealer showed me the new, 
compact Nikon FM and how 
simple it was to operate, I knew it 
was the camera for me. And how 
right I was! My very first roll. 
gave me sharp, perfectly 
exposed, color pictures. 

Surprisingly, the Nikon FM 


costs very little more than an | 
ordinary 35mm single lens reflex od 
camera, yet it has all the feel and 


quality so traditional of Nikon. 

And, with all the interchangeable 
lenses and accessories that Fe ec 
Nikon makes, there is just no limit 
to what I can do with my 
photography. 


For details on the Nikon FM as well as a 
schedule for the traveling Nikon School 
of Photography check your local Yellow 

the Nikon dealer nearest voi 

Jor LitlPak N-37 to Nikon Inc 

Y. 44530. Subsidiary 


33 


PLAYBOY 


34 


has a daughter so he can make her his 
lover. The best title on the album is Love 
Comes in Spurs. Much of this material 
is repellent, but Hell writes with power 
nd economy and vividness. He's perverse 
but obviously talented. Нез also got a 
very good band. The Voidoids handle the 
deliberately simple punk style inventive- 
ly, and they know how to boogie. 

"The Dead Boys play with great drive, 
too, but their style is so limited (endless 
fuzz-tone riffs on the bass strings) that it 
doesn’t hold together for a whole record. 
They do win the Song Title of the 
Decade contest with a little ditty called 
Caught with the Meat in Your Mouth. 

If the Dead Boys and The Voidoids 
come on like creeps who would get a real 
bang out of tap-dancing on your Adam's 
apple, Talking Heads seem like bureau- 
crats who would terminate you with max- 
imum prejudice and minimum emotion. 
The Heads favor buttondown shirts (talk 
about eccentric!) and haircuts that would 
be at home in an accounting firm. Their 
lead singer and lyricist, David Byrne, may 
have the str; il y rock. His 
words often sound abstract, as if they had 
been written by a committee of profesors 
of education. Byrne also slips in a few 
lines of French in one song. Frendi? You 
call this a punk? 


б 

Garrick the Golden Boy does it again, 
this time with Brahms: Handel Variations, 
Paganini Variations (Angel). You will hear 
no better version of Brahmss pianistic 
masterpiece. Variations and Fugue on a 
Theme of Handel, Opus 24, anywhere. 
Now 29, Garrick Ohlsson has in the past 
two or three years moved into the front 
rank of concert p s. He's got all the 
flash and bravura, manifest in his Chopin 
and Liszt performances; now he shows a 
. The 25 Handel variations 
a structure, discursive but per- 
fectly unified, building to а grand, exult- 
ing final fugue. 
not only on Handel's original theme but 
also on one another and on the en- 
tire developing work—organically—with 
ty and dazzling effect. Far more 
than most recent pianists have done, 
Ohlsson understands and uses this con- 
ception. The results are, simply put, re- 
able. As a bonus, side two offers the 
Brahms Variations on a Theme by Paga- 
nini, Opus 35 (the famous 24th Caprice, 
which you'll recognize). This has been 
called “the most cult virtuoso music 
ever written," and it is incredible enough 
on that score. Vast musical energies here, 
deployed with great skill and penetration 
by Ohlsson, but to what end? For all its 
the Paganini leaves us pretty 
cold. The Handel, on the other hand, is 
something else. 


he variations elaborate 


б 
Doc Watson, long а special favorite of 
Id-timy” country aficionados on cam- 
pus and in coffeehouses, has been better 
known for his incredible guitar picking 


than for his singing. His new album, with 
his son Merle, Lonesome Rood (United 
Artists), should help straighten matters 
out. Doc's strong, warm baritone is used 
with taste, phrasing and always with the 
artlessness of spontaneous feeling. He is 
able to take an old chestnut such as Look 
Up, Look Down That Lonesome Road 
with thrice-familiar lyrics, variants of 
which we've heard in a dozen songs, and 
make it sound fresh and starkly moving. 
Watson is the most versatile and enjoyable 
traditional country musician before the 
public today; he deserves a wider audience. 
. 

“There are some heavyweights behind 
me now who don't deal with anything on 
а small scale. And now they're dealing 
with a different kind of music. I have to 
respect that—and I feel honored.” 

Broadway's rush-hour honking pro- 
vides a bizare accompaniment to the 
soft words of A! DiMeola, the bearded, 23- 
year-old guitarist whose lightning caden- 
zas first caught the ears of jaded rock fans 
when he recorded and toured with Re- 
turn to Forever, Chick Corca's award- 
winning jazz /rock group. Lately, DiMeola 
has been making а bid for stardom on 
his own. His synthesis of various st 
of Latin music, from Italian melodics to 
Brazilian rhythms, has earned him hi: 
own niche in the ficld of fusion music. 
"The sales of his albums, and the reactions 
of his audiences on tour, have convinced. 
Columbia Records and Dee Antho Al's 
new personal manager, that DiMeola— 


ying what he's already playing—cin 
achieve stardom of a type hitherto re- 
served for rock musicians like Peter 


F 
wa 


impton, whose gold records cover the 
Ils in one of Anthony’s offices. 

DiMeola wouldn't mind gold disc 
himself if Anthony could turn the trick 
for him with some high-yield appear- 
ances—such as his stint in the Anthony/ 
Robert Stigwood-produced film version 
of Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club 
Band, which, of course, st 

“My music is nothing like Frampton’s,” 
апа th are a lot of 
people in this business who don't feel my 
music can sell like his. That is why 1 need 
somebody with Anthony's kind of power, 
who does believe it can. He the first 
guy who does—it's unbelievable. 

DiMeola frequently uses the word un- 
believable, and maybe that's because his 
‘areer has unfolded like a dream. He 
was a second-year student at the Berklee 
College of Music in Boston when, without 
his knowledge, a friend, 
badgered Chick Gorea into listening to a 
tape of DiMeola playing in a quartet led 
by pianist Barry Miles. 

On a Friday afternoon, when Al was 
“just sitting around the apartment," he 
got a call from Corea. “At first, 1 thought 
it was someone putting me on, but then 
I recognized Chick's voice from concerts. 
I threw some clothes in a bag, in ten 


minutes got a ride to New York and I 
never saw that apartment again.” 

Corea gave Al a mountain of music to 
learn for a Carnegie Hall concert that 
was only days away—and convinced him 
he could do it. DiMeola made his Car- 
negie Hall debut that week, reading sheet 
music on a stand. His tearful parents 
were among the concertgoers who gave 
him a standing ovation when Chick an- 
nounced that he'd been with the band 
for only a weekend. It was a storybook 
development for someone who'd known 
that he wanted to be a musician since the 
age of two—and whose favorite musician 
happened to be Chick Corea. 

A year later, when DiMcola was 90. his 
first solo album became the biggest debut 
disc of the season for Columbia. He fi- 
ced it himself and didn't let the 
record.company brass, hear it until it was 
complete in every detail. 
nism makes him 


na 


or designing an album cover to 
constructing his Mediterranean ear mov- 
ies—with the kind of exacting attention 
il that it takes to make а winner. 

One of the rewards of success that 
DiMeola most enjoys is the freedom to 
be a gypsy. Between tours and record- 
ings he takes his guitar and journeys 
impulsively 10 places like Brazil, Italy 
and Spain, where he canvasses the musi- 
ns, from the masters such as Paco to 
the itinerants who meet on the Riviera 
hey come from ‘Turkey, from Ger- 
пу, from Scotland—also from Egypt 
‚ Spain. One night, when 
I was walking along the shore. I saw a 
whole bunch of people playing. Each guy 
was from a different place and everyone 
had a different insu ument—some I don't 
even know what they were, handmade or 
something, with strings on them. Incred- 
ible sounds. And nobody knew one an- 
other, they were just playing. It was 
unbelievable. 

‘There's that word in. But even if 
he has to pinch himself sometimes, Al 
DiMcola believes in what he's doing, just 
as the people at Columbia and at The 
Dee Anthony Organization belicve in his 
ability to reach and please a mass audi- 
ence. Who knows? Maybe itll soon be 
someone else's turn to put a gold record 
on Anthony's wall. —CARL PHILIP SNYDER 


m: 
and, of cour 


SHORT CUTS 


Santana / Meonflower (Columbia): The 
kings of Latin rock serve up what may 
be their best effort to date. 

Dr. Hook / Mekin' Love and Music (Cap- 
itol): They've already bullied their w: 
onto the cover of Rolling Stone, so what's 
it gonna take to shut them up this time 
around? 

Elvis Presley / Elvis іп Concert (RCA): 
‘These tapes from the still-warm vault are 
a grand chronicle of Elvis’ last tour that 
captures a lot of the magic. 


“Smoking. 
Heres what I'm 
doing about it? 


“T like the taste of a 
good cigarette and I 
dont intend to settle 
for less. But like alot 


a lot of taste. And 

with much less tar 

than what Id 
smoked before. 


of people Im also “Whatam I 
aware of whats bein, doing about smok- 
said. And like a lot o : ing? Im smoking 
peoplel began search- Ê Vantage.” 


ing for a cigarette that 


could give me the taste J ( 7 

Ilike with less tar. "RS Cep 
"Ithoughtthere Edmonds, Washington 

would be a lot of brands 

to choose from. There were. | —— 

Until I tasted them. Then I ڪڪ‎ 


knew there was no choice at 
all. leither had to stay with my Le 
high-tar cigarettes. Or suck air. il 
“Then I found Vantage. Its | 
ссн ads say it is. A 
cigarette that doesnt give you just a 
lotof promises. What it really gives is 


egular, Menthol, —— 


and Vantage 100$. — 


Vantage. A lot of taste leu alotof tar. 


That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. MENTHOL: 11 mg. "tar", 0.8 mg. nicotine, av. per cigarette, FTC Report AUG. 77; 
FILTER 100's: 11 mg. “tar”, 0.9 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette by ЕТС method. 


| Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined FILTER: 11 mg. "tar", 0.7 mg. nicotine, 


35 


SHARP 
INTRODUCES 
THE FIRST 


COMPUTER THAT 
PLAYS MUSIC. 


12233258 TENN AA к. 


RT-3388. THE WORLD'S FIRST 
COMPUTER- CONTROLLED CASSETTE DECK. 


Thanks to Sharp, the age of the com- 
puter has finally caught up to the age of 
music. 

It's all come together in the RT- 3388, 
the first stereo cassette 
deck that's actually con- 
trolled by a microprocessor 
with no less than five mem- 
ories. And the remarkable 


We've even programmed the "'brain" to 
switch to battery power in case of a power 
shortage. Thereby maintaining the correct 
time and keeping the memory intact. 

Now if all that sounds 
impressive, you can be sure 
we didn't waste it on a 
machine that didn't have an 
impressive sound. 


quantity of the functions it So the RT-3388 also fea- 
can perform is matched tures: 

only by the quality of its 4 Em SS iun Dolby* Noise Reduction 
sound reproduction. DL peel QUEE System. 

First of all, the Auto. EJ ES EJ ЕЗ Bias and Equalization 
Program Locate Device— Selectors for optimum per- 
another Sharp exclusive and [к= EJ © EJ formance from any kind of 
just one function of the FRE ead о NECI tape. 

"brain" —can skip ahead, ог Editor Function. 


backward, up to 19 songs 
on a tape. And automatically 
play just the one you want 

The Counter Mernory can 
find a specific number on AM/PM знн 
the tape counter and stop Be 
there or start playback auto- 
matically. The Memory Rewind can rewind 
to any pre-selected point automatically and 
play it if desired. 

You can even mark off a section of a 
song or speech and commit it to the 
machine's memory for immediate recall 
later by using the Direct Memory Function. 

For pinpoint accuracy, it features Elec- 
tronic Tape Counting as well as Second 
Counting. Which also can be used to deter- 
mine how much time is left on the tape 
when recording. 

A Liquid Crystal Display indicates what 
tape function is in operation, while the built- 
in digital quartz clock is tied in to the timed- 
programming operations. For example, you 
can program the machine to turn itself on 
ata selected time, record a program 
from a radio or TV, then turn itself off. 


Ultra-hard Permalloy Re- 
cording/Playback Head. 
Friction-Damped Cassette 
Holder. 

Output Level Control 
Spectacular Specifications: 
Wow and Flutter runs a 
minimal 0.0696 WRMS. Frequency 
response covers the 30-15,000 Hz 

(+ Зав) range for CrO; tapes. Signal-to- 
noise ratio of 64. dB (Dolby On). 

The price for such an incomparable 
piece of equipment? Only $349.95* * 
Which is about what you'd expect to pay for 
a deck of comparable quality without any of 
Sharp's exclusive features. 

But you'll own something so advanced it'll 
be ahead of its time years from now. 

See your Sharp Dealer for a mind- 
boggling demonstration. 
Sharp Electronics Corp 


10 Keystone Place SHARP 


Paramus, N.J. 07652 am 


Dolby is a regis 
Manufacture 


p deck set 


man 


NOBODY EVER WOKE UP 
REGRETTING HAVING HAD 
ONE TOO FEW. 


Too much of anything is no good. 

Too much food makes you fat. Too much 
talking makes you boring. Too much spending 
makes you broke. And too much to drink can 
make you hurt 

We. the people who make and sell distilled 
spirits make our products in the hope that they 
will be used for pleasure. And its no pleasure 


if you dont feel good the next morning. Or cant 
keep your mind clear for work because your 
heads in a fog. 

Thats why wed rather see people use our 
products responsibly than to excess. 

If you want to feel better tomorrow. we 
suggest you have one too few tonight. 

Distilled Spirits Council of the U.S. (DISCUS). 

1300 Pennsylvania Building. Washington. D.C. 20004 


у COMING ATTRACTIONS >< 


Ga THAN A SPEEDING BULLET? Ap- 

hell-bent on outdoing the 
kry of Star Wars, the pro- 
ducers of Warner Bros.” $30,000.000 epic 
Superman have been secretly working on 
а superdi effect never before 


Reeve 


ge of Superman fly off the screen 
and into the audience through a holo- 
graphic process. The people at W.B. are 
being hush-hush about it, probably be- 
cause they're not sure they can pull it 
off—we're told that first attempts failed 
because the holographic image shrank 
radically when taken off the screen 
and a midget Superman isn't all that 

veinspiring. Not that the film lacks am- 
ious elfects—among other feats, Super- 
man (played by Christopher Reeve) will use 
X-ray vision to cook a soufllé for Lois 
Lune (Marget Kidder), weld together the 
Golden Gate Bridge, which has been 
severed in an earthquake. and catch a 
helicopter in flight. Now if they can just 
get Superman to airlift several million 
people into their neighborhood theaters, 
they'll be all set. 


. 

WEIRDNESS: Arg you ready for this? 
Barring unforeseen circumstances (and 
amylhing can happen with these guys). 
Kiss will be featured in a two-hour NBC 
film called Kiss Meets the Phantom. The 
n-cut foursome will terrorize the TV 
this spring after completing a 
return engagement in Tokyo. (Right 
now, they're finishing a whirlwind U. S. 
tour—their last for the next 18 months.) 
All we know at this point is that the 
boys will be playing themselves, makeup, 


Heller 


Kiss 
craziness and all, and that they "love the 
script" Briefly, what happens is this— 
Kiss is to do a concert at an amusement 
park and the Phantom does everything 
in his power to stop them. “It’s going to 
be one of the most expensive films ever 


made for TV,” says one insider. “It’s a 
fantasy with lots of insanity and lots of 
special effects—sort of a rock Star Wars. 
" 

cwrcn2» Catch-22 fans, rejoice! Joseph 
Heller Good as Gold, is, 
we're informed, written in the same vein 
as Catch-22, lots of satire and “very, very 
funny." Heller's target this time around— 
the U.S. Government. “The book is 
about a college professor from Brooklyn 
who almost becomes the first Jewish Scc- 
retary of State," says one source. Sound 


third novel, 


familiar? Don't get your hopes up—it’s 
not, were assured, a roman à def. Hel 
ler’s already gotten а reported two mil or 


so for the book, which may explain why 
he's written this one so fast. Catch-22 took 
him about eight years to complete and 
Something Happened took an arduous 
13, but Gold has been going for a mere 
year and a half. Simon & Schuster plans 
to release the novel this fall, 
. 

A STAR 15 BORN, MAYBE: Jack Nicholson's 
current project, Goin’ South, which he's 
starring in and directing, ought to be in 
the can preity soon (Paramount would 
like to release it this summer). An ardent 


Steenburgen Nicholson 


fan of NBC's Saturday Night, Jack chose 
rubber-faced John Belushi for a major role, 
nderella story here is Nich- 
olson’s selection of virtual unknown Mary 
Steenburgen to play the female lead. Mary. 
we're told, had been waitressing at a Mag- 
ic Pan on New York's East Side when 
Nicholson spotted her at a casting call and 
was so struck by her that he flew her out 
to the Coast posthaste for a screen test. 
"She's the most talented actor I've met 
since Brando,” Nicholson has said of the 
24-year-old native of North Little Rock, 
Arkansas, who will make her screen debut 
in Goin’ South. The flick, a comedy in 
the Tracy/Hepburn mold, is a Western 
set in Texas; Nicholson plays one Henry 
Moon, a slippery, third-rate outlaw who 
is saved from the noose when a woman 
(Miss Steenburgen) he's never seen belore 
offers to marry him. Belushi co-stars as 


Hector, a Mexican deputy. 
б 
News UPDATE: Ex-Not Ready for 


Prime Time Player Chevy Chase is as busy 
ler bee these days. While making 
his morion-picture debut in Colin (Si 


Streak) Higgins’ Foul Play opposite Goldie 
Hown, Chevy's also putting finishing 
touches on the script for his second NBI 
TV special (set for April) and penning an 
original comedy screenplay with Saturday 
Night writer Michael "Mr. Mike” O'Dono- 
ghve, Foul Play, а comedy /mystery in the 


id 


Chase 


Hitchcock. style, has Chase playing a de- 
tective involved with Hawn, who claims 
that someone's trying to murder her—a 
claim that no one save Detective Chase 
believes. The Chase-O' Donoghue collab- 
oration, Saturday Matinee, set for pro 
duction this summer, is just what its title 
suggesis—a parody of everything we used 
to sce at the neighborhood Bijou in the 
good old days: newsreels, shorts, cartoons 
and previews of coming attractions. Chase 
will play several roles in the film. 
. 

BEES AND CUES: If Hollywood is abuzz 
with more than just idle gosip these 
days, blame it on producer-director Irwin 
Allen, who has imported 100 hives full 
of genuine hees for his latest disaster epic, 
the $12,000,000 Swarm. Slated for summer 
release, the flick is part of a $40,000,000 
multipic deal Allen has going with War- 
ner Bros. While shooting, Allen kept the 
bees in a ravine behind the Burbank stu- 
dio and, necdless to say, there were a lot 
of stings on the set. Irwin reportedly rem- 
edied that problem by smoking the bees 
down and making them groggy and by 
using doubles of the actors for some of 
the major swarmy scenes. Rumor has ir 
that Allen originally wanted to avoid all 
that aggravation by simulating becs—his 


Hawn 


Allen 


plan was to paint pieces of Styrofoam yel- 
low and blick and attach them to the 
actors’ faces and limbs. Unfortunately, 
though, when photographed, the Styro- 
foam bees looked like—well—Styro- 
foam bees, —Joun вшомкхтил ED 


8 


40 


SELECTED SHORTS 


insights and outcries on matters large and small 


THE NEW BODY 
SNAICHERS 


By Nat Hentoff 


A CERTAIN FORME of kidnaping is on the 
rise throughout the country. The perpe- 
trators are parents, accompanied by hired. 
enforcers and so-called  deprogramers. 
The victims are the children—often over 
21—of those parents. Because their prog- 
cny have become fervent members of 
various sccis, from Hare Krishna to the 
Reverend Moon's Unification Church, 
the parents feel impelled to rescue their 
offspring and have them exorcised. The 
deprogramers, of whom Ted Patrick is 
the most fabled, are the exor On 
the snatch has been made, they work their 
will on young adults deprived of all 
rights, certainly including freedom of 
movement, and subject to diverse hu- 
miliations until they confess error. 

“Despite many hundreds of these kid- 
napings, often involving violence," the 
American Civil Liberties Union points 
out, “there have been only a few prose- 
cutions. Dozens of grand juries have 
refused to indict even when the victim 
is over 91. Prosecutors usually wink 
what goes on and the police are usually 
downright cooperative." Or, as a Cali- 
Tornia judge explained, "How can you 
seriously charge a parent with kidnaping 
his own child when it's for the child's 
good? I mean a child at any age. A 
nt’s love never stops.” 

In many states, moreover, the parent 
kidnapers take advantage of conservator 
laws. The parent signs an affidavit 
claiming, for instance, that his adult child 
has shown abrupt personality changes 
since joining a particular religious com- 
munity. That affidavit is often enough 
to make the parent a temporary con- 
servator of his grown-up offspring, and 
he can then enlist local police to help 
pick up the "child" without warning. 
And so kidnaping becomes “Jegal.” 

This steadily growing increase in the 
bducting of young people to be exor- 
cised has been described by Dean Kelley, 
an official of the National Council of 
Churches, as "the most serious lation 
of religious liberty in this country in a 
generation." 

Yet there is no discernible citizen out- 
rage at this epidemic of kidnaping. No 
editorial writers or television. commer 
ators аге exercised. Congress is silent, and 
so is the unabashedly religious Chief 
Executive, After all, the Moonies, Hare 


Krishna and other such wholly self- 
contained and decidedly odd sects are 
suspect. And to many, they are repellent, 
besides. They are scen as dictato 
manipulative, quite possibly venal. The 
true victims, majority opinion has it, are 
those young people who have not yet 
been rescued—by any means necessary— 
from that quicksand of evil. 

Accordingly, when the New York Civil 
Liberties Union recently won a court bat- 
tlc to free two adherents of Hare Krishna 
(ages 23 and 24) who had been abducted 
by their parents, there was furious crit 
cism of the New York Civil Liberties 
Union, and a number of its own members 
threatened to resign. “This,” said one 
longtime supporter of the Bill of Rights, 
is carrying civil liberties much too far. 
It’s not as if these were authentic, estab- 
lished religions." 


‘The First Amendment, however, docs 
not say that the free exercise of only 
"established" religions is to be protected. 
‘Thomas Jefferson, James Madison and 
other founders of this country repeatedly 
emphasized that religion was personal and. 
therefore was not to be defined or other- 
wise interfered with by the state—no mat- 
ter how unpopular and seemingly bizarre 
its practice 

Therefore, in that fiercely controversial 
N.Y.C.L.U. case—one of the few court 


defeats so far of parent kidnapers—state 
supreme court justice John J. Leahy de- 
clared that “freedom of religion is not to 
be abridged because it is unconventional 
in its beliefs and practices or because it is 
approved or disapproved of by the m: 
stream of society or more conventional 
religions.” 

What of the charge, however, that Hare 
Krishna, the Reverend Moon's Unification 
Church and others brainwash their disci- 
ples? Well, there are atheists who insist 
tall religious believers have, in one way 
or another, been brainwashed. Indeed, 
the term is so subjective as to allow a 
spokesman for Hare Krishna to say with 
some logic: “Our members are no more 
brainwashed because they chant than the 
nuns who say the Rosary each day or 
those who attend churches that use the 
threat of fire and brimstone.” 


In case after case of kidna 
tims who would not recant, court 
include fearsome accounts of the vicious 
nes of the deprogramers, along with affi- 
dayits by psychiatrists representing the 
young people that the latter are sane, 
are not dangerous to themselves and are 
fully capable of making their own choice 
of religion. But then the parents usually 
bring in psychiatrists who have come to 
the opposite conclusion. So who is to de- 
cide? Are psychiatrists, any more than 


the state, ауе the power to determine 
which religions arc “leg " and which 
arc so false and. pernicious that a parent 
is justified in forcibly removing a child, 
no matter how old, from the noxious 
environs of that sect? 

Under the Constitution, only the adult 
issue has the right to decide. 
some states, that means anyone who 
has reached the age of 18: and in every 
state, it means all 21-and-older progeny 
of even the most loving nts. Stuft- 
ing a kic 21 "child" into a саг 
ought to make a parent just as subject 
to criminal law as any other kidnaper. 
Yet a parent of а 23-yearold Moonie 
most strongly objects: “You're asking that 
I be treated as a criminal if 1 try to 
rescue my son from the clutches of a 
so-called church that is a corrupt exten- 
sion of a corrupt foreign government 

To which Dean Kelley answers: “If a 
sect is a front for a foreign government, 
then let that be investigated and dem- 
onstrated. If it is using iis tax exemp- 
tion for illegal or nonreligious purposes, 
then let that be demonstrated and the 
ption revoked. But otherwise, part 
gious liberty is the right of all of 
us to make what seems to others to be 
foolish choices, to be ‘hoodwinked.’ to be 
exploited for the sake of what seems to us. 
at the time, to be the Truth. This is not 
justification for acting illegally against 
religious group or its member: 

Not only religious liberties are endan- 
gered. Chief exorcist Patrick, Гог exam- 
ple, has already deprogramed a kidnaped 
young woman who had joined the U. S. 
Labor Party, a shrill political party that I. 
among others, find repugnant. But it is a 
political party and has a right to exist 
under the First Amendment. Many par- 
ents of its members, however, consider 
their children as psychologically enslaved 
as if they had become members of the 
Unification Church. And as deprogram- 
g spreads—with the sanction, however 

irect, of many policemen, prosecutors 


nate 


dren from this weird” secular 
political groups is likely to increase. 

А particularly active deprograming or- 
mization—the Freedom of Thought 
oundation in Tucson, Arizona—is plan- 


means exp 
ping. Watch your local 

t invasion of the раге 
паса, 


Nat Hentoff is a Contributing Editor 
of PLAYBOY. 


DIRTY LITTLE 
SECRETS 


By David Butler 


T's COMMON KNOWLEDGE, presumably, 
that the brief biographical notes that ac- 
company articles and stories in 
magazines are, in fact, autobiog 
written by the writer, not an editor. The 
practice is worse than self-serving. In the 
ges of the most frequent offenders, it 
ads to the most god-awful sort of cute- 
thel Harris writes frequently on 


very large porcupine’ in a cabin in Ore- 
gon.” That sort of thing. 

I wondered the other day what the 
results might be if contributors could sa 
they wanted in the openings 
lide blurbs but the last word 


ere given to an angry, all knowing God. 


Ferlin Deniston is completing work on 
More Bitter Fruit, the final play in hi 
wilogy for the stage about the modern 
South trying to come to grips with its 
tragic past. He lives in Key West, Flor- 
ida, and is an alcoholic homosexual. 


ey Lewis. the winner of the 1959 
National Book Award for Brookline, My 
Brookline, lives in Rome with his wife 
On three occasions 
over the past five years, Gore Vidal 

ar at cocktail parties а 
Lewis’ fashionable Roman villa, where he 
wis to have been the center of attentio: 


. 
Dorothy Simons’ latest book is Woman 
Alive! (Simon & Schuster); her novel 


Majorette will be published this fall by 
Random House. Miss 
ual experience 

Moon River with 
Lowell, Massachi 
School junior prom i 


us, Memorial 
1961. 


Charles DeWitt Collins was born in 
Pousville, Pennsylvania, in 1912. He at 
tended Phillips Academy at Andover and 


Harvard College and graduated from 
Yale Law School in 1936. He was one of 


any young men of his generation 
who joined the New Deal. After World 
War Two, in which he served 
mander in the Navy, he joined the 
Washington law firm of Cromwell and 


а com 


Stuart. He returned to Government 


service in 1953 at the request of Pres- 
sador 


member of the board of directors of the 
Council on Foreign Relations. Retired 
from active public service, Ambassador 
s has returned to his native Penn 
sylvania, where he owns а farm in Bucks 
County. He writes frequently on foreign 
affairs. Once a week, his Nigerian house 
boy, M'bow now 42, scours Phil 
adelphia's adult bookstores to procure his 
master’s bedi 


M. deLatour's most recent cont 
to these pages, Sticky Dick, was а sur- 
realistic impression of the Watergate 
air as seen through the eyes of the man 
an-Paul Sartre has called “the only 
grand thief, the only authentic voice, the 
only saint left to the West.” While in 
1. deLattre kited 520.000 


ton, shopping 
cemer scheme. 
. 

Josiah Ainsworth Pickett is the son 
and grandson of admirals in the United 
Snes Navy. When drunk, he calls his 

nistresses, who are invariably Јем 

ik 
E 


Rick Sorenson grew up in Torrance, 
California. where he remembers secing 
his first Beach Boys concert, in 1963. Not 
rely about 
he 
traveled with the Weather Underground, 
producing a still-unreleased savage video 
documentary of contemporary American 
protest. Eanlicr, when he learned he had 
failed to win an appointment to West 
Point, he cried. 


ley has written for 
on skiing, mountain 
and conversation, He accompan 
major 1970 Kwitty/Sloan Mt, Everest ех 
ition: four times a. year, he wavels to 
justments to his $1500, virtu 
Пу undetectable hairpiece. 


imerous 


Б 
d the 


erald Cleeves grew up in Coombs, 
Ohio. An ex-Marine, he has most recent- 
ly written These Things Happen, a com- 
plex but sympathetic treatment of а 
young Marine accused of participating in 
a Vietnam atrocity. Mr. Cleeves's penis is 
not. innocent of the blood of Vietnamese 
childr 


David Butler writes. 


41 


PLAYBOY 


Parliament 
e PN 


ШТ Em 
e 


NT 
Olden 
ights 


IR 


KENT 


Golden 
Lights 


2 
5 
5 

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© 

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В Mgs Tar 07 Mgs Nicotine 


Simpl} 


Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined 
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. 


THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 


М: rim a tide slow or something. 
My roommate and I double-dated to a 
double bill that induded The Other Side 
of Midnight. In one scene, а young lady 
satisfies her partner saddle style as he lies 
flat on his back. Just when it appears 
the poor fellow reaches his peak, the lady 
reaches down into an ice bucket and grabs 
all the ice she can handle with two hands 
and places it on her partner’s crotch 
The look on his face appears 10 be all but 
at of pleasure. Is this technique used 
widely? What are the sensations that result 
from a half pound of ice applied directly 
to the genitals2—T. P., Savannah, Georgia 

The ice trick was frst described in 
John Eichenlaub's “The Marriage Art; 
which was published in 1961. (According 
to most survivors. the sudden shock pro- 
duced an astonishing orgasm.) For a while 
after, snowballing was quite the rage 
Couples would check into hotels, cali 
room service and request a bucket oj 
champagne minus the champagne. Bell- 
boys would smirk knowingly. There's only 
one drawback to the technique: If you 
think sleeping on а wet spot is a drag, 
you should try it when the temp is just 
above freezing. Still, it's worth trying. You 
probably won't get frostbite. If you do, 
you'll be in good company. We gol more 
than one letter asking about the scene in 
“The Other Side of Midnight.” Just goes 
to show: In the worst movie, there is at 
least one worthwhile scene. 


Were going to be taking an extended 
vacation this spring in search of the sun. 
My companion, a delightful girl in every 
other respect, insists on taking nearly her 
entire wardrobe, including jewelry. The 
thought of losing our luggage sets visions 
of dollar signs dancing in my head. Any 
suggestions? —L. M., Seattle, Washington. 

Be sure to pack a large bottle of aspirins, 
because you're in for some vecord-break- 
ing headaches. Obviously, you'll need 
insurance above and beyond the kind pro- 
vided by the various carriers with whom 
you'll be dealing. Unfortunately, domestic 
airlines are liable only for luggage checked 
in the amount of $750 per passenger, not 
much if you're carrying ten pieces of lug- 
gage, plus the Hope diamond. Hotels are 
responsible only Jor what is placed in the 
holel safe. You can, of course, insure in- 
dividual property items, such ах jewehy or 
furs, and, indeed, they may already be 
insured by your present policies. Check 
the fine print. To further ease your mind, 
you might also want to check into other 
types of travel insurance. For instance, 
accidental death, injury and, especially, 
hospitalization insurance, since your pres- 
ent policies may not be acceptable in a 
foreign country. It’s also possible for tour 


groups to buy "sunshine" insurance tha 
pays off if it rains for more than half the 
їтїр. Individuals can. purchase “wild ani- 
mal" insurance that pays off if they're 
attacked by any of 21 different animals if 
the attack occurs in the States, Canada, 
Mexico or the Caribbean, The rates on 
all this peace of mind vary. In some in- 
stances, group plans are available to help 
defray the cost, But if you really want to 
have а good time, take just what you can 
carry comfortably and preferably what you 
can afford to replace. That goes not only 
for luggage but for companions as well. 


Severai months ago, I became engaged 
10 a guy I've known for several ye 
only diffculty is that we have div 
ual attitudes. E have become involved in 
swinging (tri: а 

of S/M nd опсе in a while sleep with an- 
other chick. Не, on the other hand, is 
sexually conservative. He condemns S/M, 
would be aghast if he knew about my 
swinging and the occasional chick. I've 
tried to subtly i я 
but he rejects all of them. 1 don't think I 
n tolei 


roduce him to new idi 


ate his idea of good sex. He con 
siders me kink: nd 1 feel he is too 
straight, I love him, though. We agree 
оп other things. But sex is such a big part 
of marriage, right? Got any suggestionsz— 
Miss C. F., Columbus, Ohio, 

As a rule, we don't approve of mixed 
marriages. 105 true that there are things in 
life other than sex: [or instance, television 
Sexual incompatibility is a major cause of 


divorce. To accept that as a given seriously 
jeopardizes your chances of success. You 
might try а bolder approach to changing 
your fiance's attitudes. Rather than argue 
about swinging, why not take one of your 
girlfriends along as a piece prize? The 
actual ex perience of a ménage à trois may 
be less threatening than the idea. If he 
doesn’t change his mind, maybe you'll 
change yours 


Wu do most anything to improve my ten- 
nis game. Гус tried both wood and metal 
rackets and 1 was just about to buy one of 
those outsize implements (despite the jecrs 
of my partners) when I heard about a 
radical new racket that has Europeans up 


in arms. What can you tell me about 
it—B. F., Chicago. Шіпоіѕ 

We can tell you that the new racket 
аш add. power to your stroke, give you 


more consistent spin and get you kicked 
off any tournament court on which you 
by to use it. We're referring, of course, 10 
the recently developed “double-strung” 
racket, which has two sets of strings тит. 
ning parallel to the long axis of the rack 
et and another set strung at right angles 
to them. The setup is such that the catgut 
can be strung much looser than on conven- 
tional implements. Optional accessories 
are a telescopic sight, exploding balls and 
а can of Mace with a 50-yard range. No 
seriously, the International Tennis Federa- 
tion got nervous when weekend players 
started blowing pros off the courts with it 
and suspended it from tournament play. 
The United States Tennis Association 
quickly followed suit until it could “study 
it further.” The justification for the cur- 
rent suspension is that the double strings 
could result in a double hit. However, the 
tennis rules specify only that the ball be 
hit “with an implement.” The manufac- 
turers of these rackets are betting on the 
amateur market, which, as we all know, is 
totally unprincipled. 


A 


irly 


a senior in high school, I lead a 
active sex life. T get lucky a lot, but 
recently my luck ran ош. I found that 
I had contracied a venereal disease. 1 
tered up courage and mentioned the 
ter to my latest girlfriend, suggesting 
that she be on the lookout for symptoms 
She said that she had nothing to worry 
about, that since she was taking birth: 
control pills, she could not catch V. D. 
That sounds 1d to me. Is there 


nancy, they do not prevent venereal 
infection. But your girlfriend is not alone 
in her belief. A recent survey о] 200 Mid- 
west teenage females uncovered the star 
Hing fact that nearly one quarter of them 


43 


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believed that birth-control pills were an 
effective prophylactic. So tell your girl- 
friend the truth, then ask her to pass it 
along to her friends. 


V tong for the days when a record player 
a record pl nd you could put a 

ail in your tonearm and spin the platter 
for a night's music. Now you have to be 
an electronics expert to figure out some of 
the ads Гуе seen for turntables. Some of 
them tout direct-drive synchronous mo- 
tors- Others as loudly tout belt-drive 
systems. What's the difference? | want 
to hear music—H. New York, New 
York. 

The idea is basic: to get a record 10 
spin оп a platter at a constant speed. 
Originally, there was rim drive: The mo- 
lor turned a wheel that rested against the 
side of the platter. If the wheel was, or 
after use became, out of round, the speed 
was not constant. Next came belt drive: 
The motor turned a belt that turned the 
platter—similar to the fan-belt_ hookup 
in your car. Most recently, direct drive was 
developed: The motor shaft turns the 
platter directly, or, in other words, the 
shaft of the motor is the spindle in the cen- 
ter of the platter. These last two sys- 
tems are the most common today. The 
performance differences are negligible. 
Some modern turntables use a synchro- 
nous motor, which means molor speed is 
governed by the powerline frequency, 
which is a constant. Usually, single play 
systems have direct drive, changers have 
belt drive. That's because with the motor 
under the spindle, there's nowhere to put 
the changer mechanism. Ads that tout low 
rumble (motor noise) and low flutter 
(pitch change from inconstant speed) are 
really splitting hairs, since in modem 
systems, both are so low as to be inaudible, 
especially above heavy breathing. 


ДА. 1 am a shy person when it comes 
to women and have not got the force of 
personality to easily seduce them. I re- 
cently went through a dry period that 
lasted almost three and а half years 
sexual drought ended when a wom: 
have known for more than a year finally 
intimated to me how hot she was for me 
We got it together one night in my apart- 
ment and I exploded in a frenzied release 
of three and a half years of репер 
energy. I came at least five times, possibly 
six, in two hours. My questions are: 
How frequently can a man orgasm in a 
given period of time? How much differ- 
m 26 years old.)— 
E. D., Venice, California. 

For a selj-proclaimed near celibate, you 
seem lo be doing all right for yourself. 
Better a memorable experience every now 
and then than a day-in, day-out diet of 
the usual. At the rate you're going, you'll 
be a legend in your own time. You can 
abandon the shyness voutine—it worked. 
You probably could have made it with 


ence does age make? (1 


your friend a year ago. Now you know 
you're not half bad. Maybe she will tell 
her friends. As for your experience: Men 
who are coming off a long period of celi- 
bacy (such as a good night's sleep) have 
been known to outperform their wildest 
expectations. They can't get enough. If 
they tried to make it six times, they prob- 
ably couldn't. The same experience is 
shared by men taking new partners or 
divorced men out on the town. There ате 
no reliable statistics on just how many 
times a man can come: Masters and John 
son report that after one orgasm, a man 
usually takes ten minutes to recover (less 
time for teenagers, more for gray pan- 
thers), If it takes you two minutes to come, 
that would suggest a possible five-per- 
hour rate. But in unusual. circumstances, 
anything is possible. In “The Extended 
Male Orgasm" (May 1977), PLAYBOY un- 
covered a man who had 25 multiple mini 
orgasms—at the rate of about one a 
minute. If he doesn't make the “Guinness 
Book of World Records,” he at least de- 
serves to be commemorated in а beer com- 
mercial. Something about “As long as 
you're only going around 25 times. . ..” 


Tuo months ago, 1 turned 25. Much to 
my surprise, I've started to develop acne. 
L always thought that was a disease suf 
fered only by teenagers who ate lots of 
oily foods—nuts, cheese, pork, potato 
chips, peanut butter and cola. Is there a 
reason ng to me at this Ine 
date? I'm ready to try anything—hell, Га 
even give it I thought th 


would 


р se 


help. Whar's your prescription?—R. M.. 
Boston, Massachusetts. 
Give up sex? Come, now. Nothing is 


worth that sacrifice. There arc almost as 
many myths about acne as there are about 
sex, and some of them overlap. Sex won't 
cause or cure acne. Neither will masturba- 
tion. The disease is tr 
hormone (which is present in both males 
and females) Outbreaks usually start 
around the age of 11 and can last through 
the mid-30s. Recent research has shown 
that oily foods do not contribute to 
acne—so if you are stricken by the munch- 
ies, you can still eat junk food, Also, it 
does not help lo be too clean. Obsessive 
scrubbing can actually aggravate the dis- 
ease. The most effective treatments are 
medications containing benzoyl peroxide 
or tretinoin (found in prescription-only 
preparations). Good luck. 


Ore ag 
the court of last resort. Only you can help 
me. What are the average measurements 
of the American male and female? That's 
it. Thank you very much.—K. C., W 
Park, Flo! 
0 sweat, The average American male 
is just over 5'9", weighs 162 pounds, has 
a 3834" chest, a 313," waist and 37%" 
hips. The average, but still incredible, 


American woman stands almost 534", 


iggered by the male 


Ча. 


weighs 135 pounds and has a 354 
bust, a 294" waist and 58" hips. These 
Specifications are subject to change by the 
manufacturer without nolice. 


ММ, girlfriend suffers from а strange 
scxual reaction that—if I didn't know bet- 
ter—I would call premature ejaculation. 
She has a short, sharp orgasm as soon 
as I enter her. Thereafter, she ceases 
fo lubricate and further stimulation is 
painful. My partner does not like to be 
left high and dry, so to speak. We're 
curious. Have you ever heard of this phe 
nomenon and, if so, what is the curez— 
W. U., Kansas City, Kansas. 

Sex therapists have made a million- 
dollar industry out of the socalled prob- 
lem of premature ejaculation. Now, it 
seems, they ате expanding their business 
into new areas. A recent issue of Medical 
Aspects of Human Sexuality describes 
something called the female premature 
orgasm. Apparently, there are women 
who climax so rapidly that they are un. 
able to fully savor the orgasmic experience. 
“If you shut your eyes, dear, you'll miss it 
completely.” Two therapists g the fol- 
lowing solution to the problem: “Women 
with this complaint, like their male coun- 
lerparts, need to learn to control voluntari- 
ly the timing of their orgasm. This can be 
done by having them practice gelling to 
and maintaining the plateau stage of 
arousal. This is mastered with relative 
ease, simply by having a woman use a 
stopandgo technique, first during mas- 
tuvbation and then with her parmer, so 
that she learns to anticipate and then 
control her climax. The resulting orgasm 
is more pleasurable for her and, as it is 
integrated into lovemaking, jor her part- 
ner as well.” It seems to us that this over- 
looks ceytain factors. Too much emphasis 
can be placed on the state of a woman's 
Iubrication—her dryness or wetness be- 
comes an indicator of arousal. Dry is 
equated with impotence and/or failure. 
Many factors can affect lubrication; for 
example, if a woman is taking antihista- 
mines, she will dry out all of the mucous 
membranes in her body, including those 
in the vagina. Also, most women tend to 
lubricate less after their first orgasm. If 
God had intended woman to have only 
one orgasm, He wouldn't have invented 
K-Y jelly. Our prescription: Keep right 
on going after the quickie, using one of 
the commercial lubricants, A little dab 
will do you and her. 


АЙ reasonable queslions—from fash- 
ion, food and drink, stereo and sporis cars 
to dating dilemmas, taste and etiquette— 
will be personally answered if the writer 
includes a stamped, self-addressed en- 
velope. Send all letters to The Playboy 
Advisor, Playboy Building, 919 N. Michi- 
gan Avenue, Chicago, Ilinois 60611. The 
most provocative, pertinent queries will 
be presented on these pages each month. 


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DEAR PLAYBOY ADVISOR 


PP lease settle something. My friends say that instead of buying PLAYBOY 
every month at the newsstand, I should simply buy a subscription. Then, they 
say, I'd be sure never to miss an issue. And I'd save money because a one-year 
subscription is just 514, an 511.00 saving off the single-copy price. Can they 
be right? — J.D. 

Lucky is the man with wise friends. Yes, it's all true. And it's so easy to 


subscribe. Just complete and return this coupon. 


H 
D 
H 
Р.О. Box 2420, Boulder, Colorado 80302 1 
1 
1 Please enter my subscription to PLAYBOY for: А 
O 1 year $14 (Save 511.00 — а full 44%, off yearly $25.00 single-copy price.) Н 
E] 3 years $33 (Save $42.00 — а full 56%, off 3-year 575.00 singc-copy price.) Н 
D Bill me later. [O Payment enclosed. р 
1 
H Н 
ате — 1 
(please print) H 
1 i 
1 Address Apt. 
City. State. Zip. 


Rates apply to U.S., U.S. Poss, APO-EPO addresses only. 
Canadian subscription rate, one year $15. 


FOR FASTER SERVICE 24 HOURS A DAY, 7 DAYS A WEEK, 


CALL TOLL-FREE 800-621-1116. 
is, call 800-972-6727.) 


РЕРРРГРРГРГРЕ 


Your horoscope indicates that your hard work 
is to be richly rewarded. 


Johnnie Walker 


JOHNNIE WALKER* BLACK LABEL 12 YEAR 010 BLENOED SCOTCH WHISKY, 86.8 PROOF. BOTTLED IN SCOTLANO. IMPORTED BY SOMERSET IMPORTERS, LTO., N.Y. 


THE PLAYBOY SEX POLL 


an informal survey of current sexual attitudes, behavior and insights 


Consider the following true confession: 
“One of the wackiest affairs I ever had 
was with a beautiful Yugoslavian actress 
I met in Paris She spoke only two lan- 
ges: perfect Serbian and a smattering 
of French. I didn’t understand either of 
those, just as she was stymied by my 
English. The only way we could com- 
municate was with our bodies, which 
must admit we did brilliantly, passion- 
ately and . . . comically 

"Actually. the humor was inadvertent. 
We discovered that we cach liked talk- 
ing during sex, but, much to my amaze- 
ment, soon after we under th 
covers. I realized that she didn't care what 
it was I said. As long as I was saying 
words in an amorous tone of voice, she 
assumed that my prose was nothing less 
than impassioned poztry of love. It was: 

"Up love the way you look when you 
move like that. Your lo: gnifi- 


were 


ight. Hold the burger, hold the 
pickles. Suck harder. 

“No matter what 1 said, she oohed and 
aahed in response and, after a while, be 
gan whispering her own love song in my 
ear. Only it was in Serbian, so, for all I 
understood, she could have been reciting 
the Belgrade Yellow Pages. 

Yes. words are a powerful aphrodisiac. 
But is that true for everybody? Why not. 
find out? That's what this Playboy Sex 
Poll is about. We asked 100 men and 100 
women th Do you 
get turned on by being talked to while 
making love? Then we turned it around 
nd asked the same 100 males and 100 
females if, in their experience, they һай 
found that their lovers liked being talked 
to while screwing. Give an car. 


following question 


IN YOUR PERIENCE, DO 
YOU FIND THAT MOST 
WOMEN GET TURNED ON BY 
BEING TALKED TO WHILE 
MAKING LOVE? 

(Asked of 100 men) 


Fifty-one percent of the men said yes 
“Sure, they get off on it. They especially 
respond to phrases like, ‘You fuck more 
fantastically than any other chick I've ever 


had.’ Makes them feel special" "Treat a 
whore like a lady and a lady like a whore 
is a truism I screw by. I couldn't pull that 
off successfully unless 1 did it with words.” 
“Domination is very popular with wom 
n, in spite ol their feminist rhetoric. and 
words really help contol them. I know, 
because every time 1 forcibly stretch a girl 
out on my floor, pin her arms over her 
head and tell her, slowly, deliberately and 
never taking my eyes from hers as I strip 
her, с: 
body, in minute detail, she nearly comes 
from excitement before my cock has 
even penetrated her." “АП the gals I've 
been 10 bed with like me to call them 
cocksuckers, cunts and. make various com- 
ments about their tits and other стор 
enous zones. 1 find it kind of sleazy, and 
I must admit I'm still not comfortable. 
about using this language myself. But I 
feel I have no choice." "Most females Гуе 
slept with scem to get more turned on by 
wild groans, moans and cries from me 


аспу what I'm going to do to her 


than they do by actual words, but they 
definitely prefer sounds—even half- 
formed ones—to silence.” 

Forty-nine percent of the men said that 
women weren't turned on by being talked 
to while fucking: “I don't usually say 
very much. To put it bluntly, 1 let my 
cock do the talking and th 
satisfy my lovers just fine.” 
louder than words, which is why the gals 
don't like us guys to open our mouths— 
except for certain things like cunt sucking 
and tit licking.” "Its amazing. but true 
Women don't like me to talk—even if I'm 
beautiful things about them. Fuck- 
ing requires trust if it's going to be ter- 
тїйє, and I guess they just don't trust us 
men—they think we're lying.” "Right at 
the moment of orgasm, if I tell a girl that 
I'm about to come, she turns right off 
My lovers have told me it breaks their 
concentration.” “OF course they don't like 
being talked to. Women. always want 10 
do all the talki 


gin or out of bed. 


DO YOU GET TURNED ON BY 
BEING TALKED TO WHILE 
MAKING LOVE? 

(Asked of 100 women) 


Seventy-eight percent of the women 
id yes: “I love hearing things like 
"Open wider. ‘You're so warm and wet.’ 
"Do you want me to come in your mouth? 
The more my lover tells me, the more 
wanted and desirable I feel.” “I like it 
L—his body and his mind. When he 
talks while we screw, I have both.’ 
"Sometimes my body can't communicate 
everything 1 sexually desire. If he talks 
to me, then I feel comfortable about 
Iking back and we usually point out 
we both want done to each other— 
id then do ir. It leads us on to try new 
things.” "Definitely. 105 the raunchiness 
of dirty language that’s so exciting. To 
see, hear and do what we're talking about 
1 ас the same time makes me feel both 
pimalistic and rather like a star, be- 
cause it’s as if there's an announcer right 
there in the bedroom, watching us.” “Pro- 
fanity is thrilling. Silence is а turnoff, be- 
se I'm sure the man is thinking then, 
and I become afraid that his thoughts 
"t good ones.” "My men know how 
to treat me. Without ceremony, they tear 


47 


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TOLL-FREE 800-621-1116. 


PLAYBOY 


50 


off my clothes and demand cooperation, 
obedience and oral submission—which 
means my mouth is busy with their cocks 
while they give all the instructions. 1 can 
be like a litle girl again, depending on 
an omnipotent daddy. God, I love feeling 
like a slave.” 

‘Twenty-two percent of the women said 
they didn't get turned on by being talked 
to while fucking: 

"I hate it, because it interrupts my 
slow of erotic thought. If a guy says, 
"After we get done here, would you like 
to go out and have a bite to eat? I just 
feel totally withered and unromanti 
cized.” "It I want to hear talking while 
I'm making love, I leave the radio on. 
My lover's mouth should be busy doing 
exciting things to my body with lips and 
tongue." “Bullshitting is а common prac 
tice among men, and l'm always suspi 
cious when they talk in bed. Like saying 
‘I love you’ when you know they're seeing 
other women." “The one thing I can't 
stand is being asked if I came. Makes me 


feel like my lover views me as a machine 
and all he has to do is punch the righ 


buttons to get the desired respons 
“Having sex brings me to my own per- 
sonal erotic wonderland. To hear what 
words come out of guys’ mouths at that 
point jolts me back to reality, and I 
realize that my partner is in a garbage 
dump.” “The only words I want to hear 
from him while fucking are, "Let's do it 
some more." ” 


IN YOUR EXPERIENCE, DO 
YOU FIND THAT MOST MEN 
GET TURNED ON BY 
BEING TALKED TO WHILE 
MAKING LOVE? 

(Asked of 100 women) 


Seventy-three percent of the women 
with whom we talked said yes: "Guys 
need to feel that their bodies are being 
directly appreciated, so they love hearing 
things like, ‘Your cock is the biggest, most 
beautiful one I ever saw, and I can't w: 
to feel it inside тег" “Just as a guy i 
about to come, I start shouting how great 
he's making me feel and how I wish we 
could go on forever. That makes his cli- 
ast a long tim My lovers have 
always enjoyed fucking me when I make 
a lot of noise—screaming, moaning and 
groaning. Words, too, but mostly sounds. 
The vividness of my reaction gives them 
a mirror image of how incredible I feel.” 
"Men's whole self-image is bound up in 
their cocks, which makes them pretty 
stupid. "They want to believe they're the 
best fuck I've ever had, so that’s what I 
tell them." “I've found that most men 


like me to say really romantic, sexy things 
in their ears, but what really gets them off 
is if I talk with their dicks in my mouth— 
they come immediately.” “I feel like I'm 
giving away a trade secret by having my 
Comment appear in PLAYBOY, but just tell 
any guy that you've never been fücked so 
good and he ends up falling in love with 


you.” 
Twent] 


seven percent of the women 
found that most men didn’t get turned 
on by talking while fucking: “No matter 
what you've read about men’s liking 
women to be more aggressive, it’s a lie. If 
I say anything at all during sex, guys tell 
me to keep quiet and ask me why I'm 
trying to ruin things.” “Almost every gu 
tells me to ‘Shut up and suck,’ which is a 
drag. because I really go into a trance 
when' I'm being balled by a good lover 
and I don't even know I'm talking, much 
less realize what I'm saying.” “No way. 
Men have such fragile egos, they think 
that if Im talking during sex, I'm not 
really involved.” “I'm very honest and 
can’t lie. So my talking during sex comes 
out like a critique, and guys hate it. Can't 
say I blame ‘em. 


©: 


DO YOU GET TURNED ON BY 
BEING TALKED TO WHILE 
MAKING LOVE? 

(Asked of 100 men) 


Eightytwo percent of the men said yes: 
“When I get into bed, if she tells me, in 
great detail, all the terrible things she's 
going to do to my body—tie me with 
scarves, whip me with her long hair, ram 
her cunt against my mouth—her words 
make me feel as if we'd already been ball- 
ing for an hour.” “The kind of talking 1 
like the best is when a woman tells me 
I'm the most extraordinary fuck she's 
ever had and that no man has ever made 
her fecl so good. I don't e if she's 
lying—it makes me feel so powerful." 
'Silence is so boring, and talking when 
making love fills the gap. I like practically 
anything—from ‘I love the feel of your 
cock sliding in and out of my pussy to 
"What did you think of Woody Allen's 
latest film?’ Tf I'm right on that won- 
derful edge of coming and she grabs my 
dick, shoves it inside her and starts moan- 
ing about how great I feel in her cunt, 
that's it—I explode.” "I'm a sex fiend, not 
a mind reader, so feedback and directions 
are helpful. If something I'm doing 
excites my partner and she sighs or 
gasps, I can react accordingly. ‘The more 
roused she gets, the more I do, too. 
"When a girl really starts cursing, with 
foul language and down-to-earth swear 
words, I feel superlusty myself, like ope of 


your Shakespearean lovers who can swa 
wench on the buttocks, put up with her 
foul mouth, yank down her panties and 
fuck the living shit out of her.” 

Eighteen percent of the men said they 
didn't get turned on by being talked to 
while fucking: “I feel that sex is sacred 
and beautiful. When I'm soaring higher 
and higher and my penis is getting hard- 
er and harder, and she suddenly starts 
chattering in my ear, it makes me feel like 
she doesn’t want to be in bed with me 
but would rather be on the Johnny Car- 
son show." "Sex has gotten mechanical 
enough without having to listen to a run- 
ning play-by-play commentary as we go 
along." 

Summary: This survey was a lot of fun. 
"Those we queried didn't get all hung up 
on theorizing, If they were positive about 
it, they seemed to get off on talking about 
talking during sex. 

However, there were people who found 
it a turnoff, and we had to almost trick 
them into telling us what specifically 
made them react negatively. This group 
of naysayers complained that after all is 
said and done in bed, more is said than 
done. If somcone didn’t like his lover to 
talk to him while fucking, he would al- 
most never speak himself. 

But, as you can see from our stat 5, 
the vast majority of both sexes enjoyed 
wordplay as much as foreplay. Virtually 
all of the men we polled told us that 
they'd found that a Jot more women were 
talking to them while fucking than ever 
before. In spite of their personal experi- 
ence with the increase in feminine vocal- 
izing, half the men still believed that the 
opposite sex did not like being spok 
to; while, in fact, three quarters of the 
women told us they very much enjoyed 
it. However, it turned out that females 
judged men more accurately, because 
not only did the vast majority of the guys 
say they loved being talked to but an al- 
most equal number of women guessed 
that they did. 

An invitation to readers: Now that 
ve gotten you into a talking mood, 
don't get up and go to the bathroom. 
Don't light up a cigarette. We want a few 
more minutes of your time. Specifically, 
we want to know what you feel like once 
ve finished making love. Are you 
Speechless? Beset by a sudden crav- 
ing for Beluga caviar with a Listerine 
chaser? Or simply a Gauloise and smoke- 
filled heavy breathing? We are currently 
ing on a Sex Poll that asks these two: 
questions: How do you usually feel after 
sex? How do you think the opposite sex 
feels after sex? Take your time. Papers 
will be collected at the end of the period, 
from the mailman. We'll compare your 
responses with our person-in-thestreet re- 
sponses in a future PLAYBOY. Send your 
letters and cards to The Playboy Reader 
Sex Poll, 919 North Michigan Avenue, 
Chicago, Ilinois 60611. Thank you. 

— HOWARD SMITH 


wi 


DECADE MENTHOL. 


THE TASTE THAT TOOK TEN YEARS 


Originally, a menthol smoker 
couldnt get real cigarette taste without 
what has come to be known as tobacco. 
хаг 

The problem of reducing this ‘tar’ 
to5 mg. while maintaining taste is 
enormous. Thats why when we set out 
to work, we didn't give ourselves a 
time limit. 

The Decade “Total System? 

How were we able tokeep the 
taste in a low ‘tar’ menthol when so 
many others have failed? Mainly by 
developing our unique “Total System” 
in which every part of our cigarette is 
arranged in perfect balance with each 
other. The tobacco, the filter, the 
paper, and even the menthol. 

The Menthol. 

Take our menthol, for example. 
Trsall natural. And it has a distinctively 
cool, fresh taste that comes from blend- 


TO MAKE. 


ing different menthols imported from 

around the world. This extraordinary 

blend of natural menthol delivers a 

taste you'll find only in Decade Menthol. 
The Tobacco. 

Our tobacco is also unique. Its 
taste is boosted by a method called 
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concentrate a special patented tobacco 
flavorant in each Decade Menthol. 

The Filter. 

Our filtration system represents a 
singular breakthrough in low ‘tar’ 
smoking. Simply, we've created a 
"Taste Channel" within the filter to give 
you that first puff impact you've come 
to expect from only the higher tar’ 
cigarettes. 


The result. 

So trya pack of Decade for your- 
self. Menthol or Regular. And after 
опе taste we think you'll agree that our 
last 10 years were well worth the effort. 


‘The Paper. 

Even our high porosity paper is 
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cient burn rate that delivers optimum 
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Regular and Menthol. 


Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined 
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. 


‘© agen Group rc 197 


5 mg. "tar", 0.5 mg. nicotine ave. per cigarette by FIC method. 


51 


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MUSIC LOVERS 
ALL OVER AMERICA 

PIONEERS SX650. AGREE ON. 


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WITH PEOPLE WHO CARE ABOUT MUSIC. 


When it comes to buying a good high fidelity 
receiver, music lovers can be unmerciful. 

If a receiver has the least bit of audible 
distortion, a music lover won't buy it. 
d If a receiver isn't powerful enough to drive at 
least two sets of speakers, they'll pass it right by. 

lf a receiver doesn't have an absolutely super- 
lative FM section, they won't bother to consider it. 

And if a receiver doesn't leave a music lover 
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Last year, America's music lovers had well 
over 150 different high fidelity receivers to 
choose from. 


The receiver they chose to buy more often 
than any other was Pioneer's SX650. A receiver 
designed to deliver a minimum of 35 watts per 
channel into eight ohms, from 20 to 20,000 hertz, 
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You can hear the SX650 at your local Pioneer 
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€1977 US Pioneer Electronics, 85 Oxtord Drive, Moonachie, New Jersey 07074 


THE PLAYBOY FORUM 


acontinuing dialog on contemporary issues between playboy and its readers 


THE MILK MENACE 

Because sex offenders’ room: 
strewn with pornographic pictures and 
literature, simple minds have long viewed 
porn as a contributing factor to sex 
crimes. I asked Dr. Sol Gordon, the 
distinguished author and sexologist from 
Syracuse University, for his thoughts 
оп the matter, With his customary wit, 
he replied that he had recently inter- 
viewed 100 admitted sex offenders and 
had inspected their living quarters. In 
every single offender's refrigerator, he had 
found various quantities of milk. Draw- 
ing upon the same impeccable logic used 
by antipornography campaigners, Dr. 
Gordon conduded that antimilk laws 
should be enacted. 


are often 


Christopher Gr: 
South Bend, Indiana 


THE DECENT DOZEN 
You can rant all you like against cen- 
sorship, but the fact remains that when 
people like Larry Flynt, Harry Reems 
and Al Goldstein are found guilty, it's 
hecause juries of 12 honest, decent Amer- 
icans find the things they produce im- 
moral. If we can't trust 12 of our fellow 
citizens to decide what is moral and not 
moral, whom сап we trust? 
D. Christensen 
Salt Lake City, Utah 
The purpose о] the law is not to es- 
tablish standards of private morality; and 
a jury of 12 honest, decent Americans has 
no more business dictating what others 
may read or see than does a jury of 12 sex 
maniacs. 


MEDICALIZED HEROIN 

We were happy to read the item in 
Forum Newsfront about our petition to 
the U.S. Attorney General to medicalize 
heroin for those suffering from a painful 
illness such as terminal cancer (October). 
Since filing the petition, we have dis- 
covered many sympathizers, including 
President Carter's Special Assistant for 
Health and his newly appointed head ol 
the National Cancer Institute. 

There is much to be done. Those wish- 
ing to support the work should write to 
Committee on the Treatment of Intrac- 
table Pain, Suite 302, 2001 S Street, N-W., 
Washington, D.C. 20009. 

Arnold S, Trebach, Ci man 

Judith Н. Quatilebaum, President 

Committee on the Treatment of 
Intractable Pain 

Washington, D. 


BRALESS IN BERMUDA 

I'm 34, have kept myself in good shape 
and wanted to chuck my bra for years, 
but my strict upbringing inhibited me. 
On a wip to Bermuda about a year ago, 
I deliberately left my bras and panties 
at home. I told my husband I had for- 
got to pack them, and since it would 
be too expensive to replace them, I'd 
have to go without underwear. That 
really turned him on, especially when 
he watched me dressing and undressing 
without underwear. Tt was a turn-on 


“The feeling of tight 
jeans against my skin was 
extremely sensuous.” 


for me, as well. The feeling of tight 
jeans against my skin was extremely 
sensuous, as was the fabric of my tops 
rubbing my nipples. Since that wip, 
our sex life has improved enormously 
(not that it was bad before) and I have 
quit wearing underwear for good. 
(Name withheld by request) 
Portland, Maine 
lí's а good thing that lots of people 
still think ladies’ underthings are sexy; 
the economy doesn't need an unemploy- 
ment crisis in yet another industry. 


SEXY CHILLS AND THRILLS 
One of the most beautiful things I 
can picture is two good-looking women 
making love to cach other. The letter 
from the lady in Boston titled “Titilla- 
Чоп” (The Playboy Forum, August) gave 
me sexy chills and thrills every time T 
read it. If I were God, I'm sure I would 
have made women first and then left it at 
that, I consider myself a great lover, but 
who am I, a mere man? 
(Name withheld by request) 
Pensacola, Florida 


CHICKENSHIT 

In answer to a letter in the November 
Playboy Forum, you state that homo- 
sexual acts have been observed in many 
animal species and are therefore not 
quite so “unnatural” as many people 
claim. I've got a question for you. If a 
man shits on the sidewalk and then eats it, 
does it mean that is no! unnatural because 
chickens do it, too? 

6 те withheld by request) 

Farm, Virginia 

Very good P After consulting our 
chicken experts, who conceded that they 
had never given this issue much thought, 
the consensus was this: While chickens 
both shit on the ground and peck on 
the ground, that should not be construed 
as chickens’ cating their own feces. One 
expert allowed as how a chicken might 
appear to be cating ils own shit but, in 
fact, would be very carefully picking out 
some of the seeds and other nutritious 
goodies that had survived the digestive 
process and remain quite edible, at least to 
a chicken. Does that answer the question? 


RED LODGE RHUBARB 
Td like to praise your efforts on behalf 
of the Red Lodge defendants (Playboy 
Casebook, February, July, September, 
December, 1977). Тоо many jour 
are overly quick to accept the off 
sion of a case, and it really is refreshing 
n incident in which the 
ides with the accused rather than 
h the accusers 
As a Federal prisoner, 1 have faced 
problems similar to those of the Red 
Lodge people, in that Ive found that 
Federal lawenforcement agencies think 
they themselves are above the law and 
may commit any crime as long as they 
obtain a conviction. They get away 
with that by covering up for one another. 
Billy Ray Kidwell 
Ashland, Kentucky 


ver- 


53 


PLAYBOY 


THOU SHALT NOT STEAL 

I have just read your update of The 
Trials of Tom Mistrot (Playboy Case- 
book, November) and must say it is so 
full of holes, it borders on the ridiculous. 
This man was out of prison, on parole, 
with the full knowledge that any violation 
would send him back, with few questions 
asked: yet he stepped right out and took 
something that was not his. To use the 
excuse that he thought it was abandoned 
is absurd, to say the least. 

In your self-serving thinking, how long 
must an article of value sit unused before 
it becomes fair game for every sticky- 
fingered down in town? One year? Two 
years? Your point that 25 years in prison 
is an extremely harsh term for a theft of 
this amount is very well taken and docs, 
indeed, show an obvious flaw in our 
criminal codes, but for you to say his crime 
bad judgment" is equally flawed. 

It has become almost impossible to 
leave any of your possessions unattended 
these days without some ass grabbing 
them and it is, indeed, a sad state of 
affairs when people can't keep their fuck- 
ing hands to themselves. Now, let's hear 
a few words [rom you concerning the 
elderly person in a rest home, who ob- 
viously could not defend his property. 
Or do we simply say, fuck him, let's get 
the rest of his furniture? 

Wayne Fritsen 
Hamilton, Montana 

Ina few words—you are right. But you 
seem to have missed the main point: 
Mistrot got the full criminal-justice-system 
treatment not because of his crime but 
because he was an ex-con. 


SIBLING RIVALRY 

Reading the September Playboy Forum 
letters titled “Bodies Beautiful” sort of 
hit home with me. My little brother, who 
is 18, is well built, with 17-inch biceps, 
a 48-inch chest, etc, and he works out 
three or four hours a day. He tells me 
it's to get women. I am always telling 
him that plenty of women, maybe even 
the majority, aren't all that turned on by 
King Kong types. I just want to thank 
Billy Clyde Bradley and, most of all, Ken 
Reinke’s girlhiend for telling my over- 
grown ox of а “little” brother what to do 
with his horny ass. 

(Name withheld by request) 
San Francisco, оппа 

Good idea, withholding your name. 
Little brother might well kick sand in 
your face. 


NO LAUGHING MATTER 

I was disturbed by the letter in your 
November issue titled “Sin nd Lone- 
ly" The fellow who wrote it seemed 
amazed by and critical of an earlier letter 
writer who said he was 27 and had had 
sex with only four women in his life, 
and he wondered if the writer had four 
legs and two heads or was otherwise some 
grotesque exception to the norm that 


FORUM NEWSFRONT 


what’s happening in the sexual and social arenas 


QUANTITY AND QUALITY 
COLUMBUS, oH1O—T he Columbus Cit- 
izen-Journal has complained editorially 
not only that the city has suffered an 
influx of prostitutes but also that the 
hookers are exceptionally ugly. The 


paper lamented, “It’s bad enough that 
Columbus has so many prostitutes ply- 
ing their trade on the city's streets, but— 
pound for pound—we must have some 
of the heaviest and homeliest hookers 
in the country.” It concluded that if 
the police department can't be expected 
10 upgrade the quality of the “pave- 
ment princesses,” it can be encouraged 
lo do something about their increasing 
numbers. 


LIVING IN SIN? 

€HICAGO—A divorced mother of three 
who admitted that her boyfriend had 
been living in her house has lost custody 
of her children as well as child-support 
and alimony payments. The children's 
father charged in court that his former 
wife was living in “an atmosphere which 
is immoral, unwholesome and detri- 
mental to the proper rearing and up- 
bringing of children.” The judge was 
quoted as saying, "I'm nol going to 
have any of that” and ruled in favor 
of the father. 


LIVING VS. DRIVING 
PALATINE, ILLINOIS —A 25-year-old sub- 


urban Chicago man has filed a $100,000 


Federal civil suit charging that an in- 
surance company refused to renew his 
automobile coverage solely because he 
was living with his fiancée. The suit 
notes that the American Family Mutual 
Insurance Company cited “lack of sta- 
bility of your living arrangement” as a 
reason for dropping his policy and ar- 
gues that “living in an unmarried rela- 
tionship has no effect on the ability to 
drive safely.” 


BACK IN LOVE 

EL CENTRO, CALIFORNIA—An irate 
woman householder called El Centro 
police in the middle of the night to 
report “a disgusting sight on the lawn" 
of her home—a man and a woman 
having sex. The police report slated 
that the man and his “no longer es- 
tranged” wife were contacted at the 
Scene and sent home to complete their 
reconciliation. 


МО SENSE OF HUMOR 
HAMILTON, MONTANA—Two Hamil- 
ton men, aged 20 and 21, have been 
fined §50 each for disorderly conduct 
and creating an “improper diversion” 
for making fun of local police. Their 
crime was to drive around town in a 
black-and-white car with a Mickey 
Mouse insignia on the doors and tin- 
сап “emergency lights” mounted on 
the roof. The prosecutor argued that 
fun is all right, but “there has to be 
a limit," and that if even one person 
was misled by the cars appearance, an 

improper diversion was created. 


ALL IN THE FAMILY 

FRANKLIN, INDIANA—In dismissing 
burglary charges against the son of a 
police lieutenant, а county judge ruled 
that the officer had needed а warrant. 
lo legally search the room of his son, 
who at the time was living with grand- 
parents. The father testified that the 
search had turned up stolen stereo unit 
and that his son had admitted involve- 
ment in the theft, but the judge ruled 
the evidence inadmissible. The officers 
conduct in the case is now under inves- 
tigation. 


TEACHINGS OF THE CHURCH 
More than nine out of ten Ameri- 
can Catholic couples who practice birth 
control use contraceptive methods for- 
bidden by their Church, according to 
a Princeton University demographer. 


Writing in Family Planning Perspec- 
tives, Dr. Charles F. Westoff, director of 
Princeton's Office of Population Re- 
search, reported surveys indicating that 
birth-control practices of Catholics and 
non-Catholics have become virtually in- 
distinguishable and that one third of 
both groups now use the pill. Fewer 
Catholics rely on contraceptive steriliza- 
tion (about one fourth, compared with 
one third of other groups), but the 
rhythm system, the only method ap- 
proved by the Ghurch, is used by only 
six percent of Catholics who practice con- 
traception. Westoff noted that “almost 
all Catholic women married after 1966— 
1970 will have abandoned Church teach- 
ing on birth control by the time they 
have been married ten years.” 
Meanwhile, some 200 Protestant and 
Jewish leaders have attacked the U.S. 
Catholic Church hierarchy for its “heavy 
institutional involvement . . . in а cam- 
paign to enact religiously based. anti- 
abortion commitments into law." In a 
three-page advertisement in the ecu- 
menical weekly The Christian Century, 
the signers called the Catholic “absolutist 
position” a “serious threat to religious 
liberty and freedom of conscience.” 


LOW-PRESSURE LIVING 

ANNAPOLIS, — MARYLAND—Nobody 
knows if it means anything, but one sur- 
vey has found that nudists may have 
lower blood pressure than the general 
population. Twice in two years, research- 
ers visited a Maryland nudist colony and 
found that only two to seven percent of 
its members had high blood pressure, 
compared with a 17 percent national 


average. For heart problems, the special- 
ists urge treatment other than nudism, 
however. 


PRENATAL NEGLIGENCE 

SPRINGFIELD, ILLINOIS—The Supreme 
Court of Ilinois has ruled four to three 
that a child can sue for damages over 
medical treatment received. by the 
mother even before pregnancy occurred. 
The case involved a three-year-old girl 
born prematurely with brain damage 
allegedly because her mother was twice 


given the wrong kind of blood at a hos- 
pital some nine years earlier. The mother 
contends that the error imperiled her 
health and that of her children. Several 
justices strongly dissented, arguing that 
such а ruling could lead to negligence 
cases’ arising decades after the act, 
further increasing health-care and in- 
surance costs. However, the majority 
concluded that “there is a tight to be 
born free from prenatal injuries fore- 
secably caused by a breach of duty to 
the child's mother.” 


CROSSED CHANNELS 
AURORA, COLOKADO—AL least one fam- 
йу in the town of Aurora has discovered 


that its television set picks up explicit 
sex movies on channel 13, and the fam- 
ily doesn't like it. The wife called the 
police to complain, and their best guess 
ts that the TV set is somehow picking 
up closed-circuit X-rated films from a 
local motel that offers such fare to its 
registered guests. Ах a newspaper ac- 
count put it, “Two police officers vis- 
ited her apartment, spent 20 minutes 
watching television, agreed she shouldn't 
be receiving those kinds of 
and lejt.” 


shows 


SPOTLIGHT ON FLASHERS 

ToRONTO—An explicit 14-раде pam- 
philet dealing with flashers is being dis- 
tributed to teachers and parents of high 
school students by the Ontario govern- 
ment. According to officials, the purpose 
of the pamphlet is to educate girls about 
male sexual exhibitionism and dispel a 
number of misconceptions about deviant 
sexual behavior. The pamphlet notes 
that some victims of flashers experience 
serious emotional distress because they 
mistakenly believe that the offender in- 
tends to attack them physically. 


would hold him back from a full sex life. 
"The critic mentioned that he himself had 
gone to bed with 16 women in one six- 
month period. 

Where, I ask, did he meet 16 women? 
One can't just go up to a stranger on 
the street and ask for a date, and picking 
up girls in bars is rather difficult when 
you don't know even the first thing to say. 

Iam 95 and, with the exception of two 
episodes with prostitutes, I have not so 
much as necked with « woman. Further- 
more, I have money and I don't consider 
myself unattracti What stops me cold 
is shyness and inexperience. 

Thanks to a couple I know, I have 
managed to meet and date three women 
in the past two years. But. for me, even a 
goodnight kiss requires great courage 
and the thought of going further than 
that is terrifying. Two of those women 
stopped seeing me. perhaps because they 
interpreted my lack of aggressiveness as 
lack of interest, The third may reach the 
same conclusioi 

I'm not asking for pity or sympathy 
but, rather, that people not laugh at 
those of us who find it difficult to enter 
into a friendly and intimate relationship 
with a woman, 

(Name withheld by request) 
Toronto, Ontario 

We're not laughing. The problem you 
describe afflicts both men and women in 
far greater numbers than most people 
realize or want to admit. But you might 
risk showing some interest and affection, 
because many women are just as insecure 
and shy and in need of encouragement. 


HETEROSEXUAL MENACE 
Enough! Enough fom Anita Bryant 
nd her antihomosexual crusade! I'm not 
gay, but I know some who are, and they 
don't lurk on street corners, waiting to 
seduce or molest people. Besides, if I 
cannot trust my son in a dassroom with 
a male homosexual teacher, how can I 
trust my daughter in a classroom. with a 
male heterosexual teacher? 
Fred Krause 
West Covina, 


California 


ANOTHER BIBLICAL SCHOLAR 

Neither Anita Bryant nor your corre- 
spondents who have risen to her bait 
appear to have read the Bible thou 
fully. Since it is impossible to do unto 
others as you would have them do unto 
you unless they are built the same way 
п are, clear thar the golden rule 
is an exhortation to homosexualit: 
denial of civil rights to homosexuals is 
religious persecution and one might wor 
der whether Bryant is an agent of Satan 
with whom she shares 80 percent of the 
letters of her first name. 

Anatomy is the reason for my personal 
rejection of homosexuality without even 
bothering to consider ethical and social 
aspects. Millions of years of evolution 
have produced a wondrous conjunction 


55 


PLAYBOY 


of male and female parts that, in my 

п, no amount of ingenuity or 

are сап reproduce or surpass. 
Marshall E. Deutsch 
Sudbury, Massachusetts 


PENAL REFORM 

I assume that most criminals are not 
homosexuals, and vice versa, and that 
homosexval rape in prison results mainly 
from an absence of normal heterosexual 
outlets. For this problem, I propose the 
following solution: 

‘The state and Federal governments, in 
a joint venture, should build, outside 
each prison, a whorehouse funded by 
government money. Perhaps something 
on the order of a hotel could be built, 
with a swimming pool, smoking lounge 
and 100 beds. The brothel could be 
staffed by ladies who can't cut the big. 
ty. though they would have to meet 
before being accepted for 
employment (not too fat, reasonably at- 
tractive, free of disease, etc). Employing 
the aforementioned ladies would serve л 
dual purpose: It would take many of 
them off the welfare roles and it would 
give them the respectability afforded 

nembers of the working class. So as not 
to inconvenience or wear them out, they 
would be provided with the contraceptive 
device of their choice and would receive a 
ation with pay each year. The men 
could be rotated, so that all the inmates 
could be serviced, and denial of such 
service could be used as a disciplinary 
measure. A system of tipping could be 

stituted, so that the women didn't start 
to feel they were doing the men a favor, 
and anything they carned in tips would 
supplement their guaranteed annual in- 
come. Also, entire staffs could be rotated 
among the brothels, so that no man felt 
he had an exclusive claim on any par- 
ticular lady. 

In sum, the creation of government- 
subsidized brothels would provide jobs 
for the unemployed, remove the stigma of 
illegality from a time-honored profession 
and relieve the frustrations of prison 
inmates. 


уа 


D. Eugene Barnes 
Fort Wayne, Indiana 


FIVE-FINGER SALUTE 

To “Thumbs Up” of Clay, New York: 
Your letter in the September Playboy 
Forum about fist fucking enticed me to 
try once more what my husband has been 
advocating for the past several years. The 
key words in your letter are willing and 
relaxed. In past excursions into this de- 
lightful variation of sex, 1 have been 
too uptight, literally. 

After 25 years of sexual highs from 
experimentation, 1 tried once more to 
consume my husband's fist. We relaxed 
by drinking several martinis, lubricating 
with margarine and—voila!—The Star- 


Spangled Banner! Y exploded over his 
hand, orgasm after pussy-bending orgasm. 
My husband was ecstatic with our mutual 
discovery. His balls are still clanging. 

Iam now what I consider to be a bona 
fide fistoholic, thanks to reading your 
letter, and plan many pleasurable bouts 
in the future. 


(Name withheld by request) 
Syracuse, New York 


PLAIN BROWN WRAPPER 

In the June 1977 Playboy Forum, you 
published my letter regarding the open- 
ing and seizure of mail addressed to me 


“I tried once more and my 
husband was ecstatic with 
our mutual discovery. His 
balls are still clanging.” 


d alleged to be obscene by the U. 
Customs Service. I wrote, challenging Cus- 
toms’ right to seize my mail, and alter 
some interaction with the U. S. Attorney, 
I lost my case and the material was or- 
dered destroyed, After receiving word of 
this judgment, I wrote, demanding the 
envelope or wrapper in which the mate- 
rial was contained, I pointed out that the 
Government has no legal authority to de- 
stroy the wrapping in legedly 
obscene material is contained and that 
since I am a stamp collector, the foreign 
stamps presumably affixed to the wrapper 
would be a valuable addition to my col- 
lection. 1 demanded one dollar's compen- 
sation if the wrapper were destroyed and 
threatened legal action if one demand or 
the other were not met. I got the envelope. 

In your comment on my previous letter, 
you pointed out that if everybody took 
his case to court, the Customs Service 
would be kept pretty busy. Damn right! 
But it would be kept even busier if it had 
to forward every envelope involved to 
every addressee, no matter what the judg- 
ment in the case. 


Terence M. Hines 
Eugene, Oregon 


As a U.S. Postal Service employee, I 
was shocked to read that Customs officials 
are opening mail (Forum Newsfront, 
October). И 1 may quote Chapter I, Part 
115, of the Postal Service Manual: "'First- 
class mail is given absolute secrecy while 
in our custody. No persons in the Postal 
Service, except employees of the dead- 
mail offices, may open first-class mail with- 
out a legal warrant, even though it may 
contain criminal or otherwise unmailable 
matter or may furnish evidence of the 
commission of a crime. 


I always try to defend the Postal Serv- 
ice whenever I hear someone getting 
down on us, but I am horrified to learn 
that postal employees would stand by 
and allow Customs personnel to illegally 
tamper with first-class mail. It seems to 
me that any contraband gathered in this 
way would be inadi ible evidence in 
court, as it was illegally obtained. 

(Name and address 
withheld by request) 

By law and by circumstances, U.S. 
Customs is the Federal agency least 
bound by any consideration of constitu- 
tional rights; its authority begins at the 
border, before either mail or people have 
any rights at all. Judging from letters 
from readers, Customs seems to enjoy 
this sense of freedom from constitutional 
restraints and 10 exercise it with all the 
enthusiasm of Gestapo agents. But it's 
nice to know that this comes as an un- 
pleasant surprise to a conscientious U. S. 
Postal Service employee. 


THE BRITISH SYSTEM 

The Reverend William T. Baird points 
out that heroin addi n in Britain 
is hardly a problem at all, whereas i 
the U.S, it is an enormous problem 
(The Playboy Forum, September). Baird 
attributes the difference to the fact that 
the British don't treat addicts as crimi- 
nals but. tead, offer them medical 
help, including the possibility of rece 
ing heroin legally by prescription 

I would like to point out that there 
may be other reasons for the low heroin- 
add Britain. For one thing, 
ever since 1945, when the 
came to power, the British 
moving toward а society, in- 
cluding a welfare state. In such a society, 
the effects of social inequality and poverty 
are greatly mitigated, and it is among 
the poor and downtrodden that heroin 
Hdiction generally spreads. Also, the 
English are traditionally a very calm 
self-disciplined, law-abiding people (they 
sent all their nut cases over here). Most 
of them are doubtless willing to take 
the word of government and health au- 
thorities that heroin is bad for them. 
Given these major differences between 
and British societies, I doubt 
whether a replication of the British sys- 
tem of dealing with heroin addiction 
would work in this country. 

C. Jensen 
Salt Lake City, Utah 


The Reverend William T. Baird makes 
a lot of sense in his letter advocating 
that the U.S. adopt the British system of 
heroin maintenance. What more convinc- 
ing proof could we have that prohibition 
actually spreads the use of a substance 
than the dramatic difference between 


the tiny British and the huge American 
heroin statistics? 


Jack Goldberg 
Los Angeles, California 


ABORTION REALITY 

My compliments to William J. Helmer 
on his excellent editorial, Human Rights 
us. Fetal Rights (The Playboy Forum, Oc- 
tober). As а medical student in а univer- 
sity hospital with a large percentage of 
patients on Government funds, I have seen 
how having an unwanted or unaffordable 
baby can severely affect a poor mother. 
"The denial of Government funds for abor- 
tions will merely turn. these low-income 
women to dangerous illegal abortions or to. 
the growing black market for babies. The 
Right-to-Lifers, in their quest for more 
babies to adopt, obviously haven't ever 
shared “the joy of childbirth" with an 
unmarried 16-year-old who already has 
other children. ОГ course, she сап put the 
baby up for adoption, but what if she 
considers that immoral? 


Pope 
ha. Nebraska 
An Army chaplain once said, “There 
are no atheisis in the foxholes? Pul a 
pious middleclass antiabortionist in a 
metropolitan slum for a year or two and 
we'll have a real test of his convictions. 


Your comment that abortion benefits 


the “unwillingly pregnant" woman is 
typical of the language PLAYBOY uses to 
defend abortion. Unwilling indicates 


rape of some sort. Unhappily pregnant 
more ару describes the сазе of most 
women who opt for abortion. It seems to 
me that it's a stupid cunt who is willing 
to take the chance of having to have an 
abortion when there are so many forms 
of birth contro! ble. 

Joe Deitering 

Buffalo, Minnesota 


"That's telling ‘em! 


1 sa 
And here's one for the mad an 
ists who like to speculate оп how many 
Einsteii 1 other great men are lost to 
the world through abortion: New York's 
Son of Sam, accused of murdering six 
nted baby born toan 
1 mother. If there were any way 
to develop actual statistics, I'd bet any- 
thing that for every potentially fine human 
being lost to society through abortion, 
we've also lost 100 or 1000 thieves, rob- 
bers, rapis 


lers. 
(Name withheld by request) 
New York, New York. 
New Yorkers are always biased by fear 
of crime. We think a len-toone ratio is 
more realistic. 


FETAL POLITICS 

On July 3, 1977, an attorney who is 
a member of the National Organiza- 
tion for Women attended Sunday Mass 


at Saint Rose of Lima Roman Cath- 
ойс Church in Chula Vista, California, in 
the diocese of San Diego. A letter was 
read from the pulpit calling attention to 
а poll of constituents of the 42nd di 
by Congressman Lionel Van Deerlin, 
The letter urged churchgoers to indicate 
their position on the poll regarding a 
constitutional amendment that would 
outlaw abortion. Members of the con- 
gregation were urged to obtain copies of 
Van Deerlin’s poll from ushers as they 
Jeft the church. 

Preliminary investigation by NOW has 
revealed that ballots were distributed at 
three other churches in the 42nd district; 
and the possibility exists that more of the 
12 Catholic churches in the district were 
involved. It appears that thousands of 
extra ballots were printed and distributed. 
on a wholesale basis without the knowl- 
edge or consent of Congressman Van 
Deerlin. 

This plan to stuff the ballot box is 
one more t violation of the diocese 
ol Diego's tax-exempt status. This 
action is part of an ongoing plan of the 
Roman Catholic hierarchy to amend the 


“How many Einsteins 
and other great men are 
lost to the world 
through abortion?” 


Constitution to oudaw abortion. 
n was adopted in November 1975 
al Plan for Pro-Lile Activi- 
as officially kicked off on 
1976. when Catholics were 
gn political pledge cards at 
imitting them to work 
itutional amend- 
OW believes the Internal Revc- 
nuc Service should revoke the tax-exempt 
tus of the diocese of San Diego on the 
basis of its political activity and massive 
lobbying to amend the U. S. Constitutio 

In an article in the diocesan news- 
paper Southern Cross, Nancy Brown, a 
former official of the dioc writes, 
“When a human life amendment be- 
n—and it 
holics will have devel- 
oped an organizational tool that can be 
used for many political issues of concern 
to us.” A timely wai 


meni 


si 


San Diego County Chapter 
National Org; n for Women 
San Diego, California 

See also “Teachings of the С 


this month's “Forum Newsfront.' 


” in 


RIGHTS AND POWERS 
There seems to be an uproar these days 
over the First Amendment. Newspapers 


and magazines are reminding us of what 
our forefathers "really" said in the Con- 
stitution. While Thomas Jefferson fought 
for a Bill of Rights, to include protection 
for freedom of the press, Alexander 
Hamilton fought against it. Hamilton 
thought that to spell out our freedoms 
might invite restrictions on them: 


For why declare that things shall 
not be done which there is no power 
to do? Why, for i nce, should it 
be said that the liberty of the press 
shall nor be restrained when no 
power is given by which restriction 
may be imposed? I will not contend 
that such a provision would confer a 
regulating power; but it is evident 
that it would furnish, to men dis- 
posed ro usurp, a plausible pretense 
for clai power. They might 
urge semblance of reason that 
the Constitution ought not to be 
charged with the absurdity of pro- 
viding against the abuse of an au- 
thority which was not given, and that 
the provision against restraining the 
liberty of the press afforded a clear 
implication that a power to prescribe 
proper regulations concerning it was 
intended to be vested in the national 
government. 


Perhaps Hamilton foresaw such places 
as Wichita, Memphis and Cincinnat 
haps he could imagine Gove 
cial’ sending for a publication for the 


sole purpose of claiming to have been 
s delivery, actors’ bi 


offended by 
threatened with jail for their perform- 
næs, publishers’ facing 25-year sentences 
in prison. 

Whether Hamilton was right or wrong, 
clear that too many Americans 
ly to yield up the freedoms for 
which our forefathers fought and died. 

Sal Napolitano 
Staten Island, New York 

A series of Supreme Court decisions 
has shown that, bitten by the madness of 
antisexuality, there is no length to which 
a number (unfortunately, just now, a 
majority) of the Justices will not go to 
Suppress pornography. They will claim 
that pornography is not a form of com- 
munication and they will claim that the 
words “no law" really mean "some law.” 
Against this zeal to maintain sexual cen- 
sorship at all costs, neither Hamilton nor 
Jefferson. could have designed a Consti- 
tution that would have protected us. 
We'll have to protect ourselves. 


The Playboy Forum" offers the 
opportunity for an extended dialog be- 
tween readers and editors of this pub- 
lication on contemporary issues. Address 
all correspondence to The Playboy Forum, 
Playboy Building, 919 North Michi- 
gan Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 60611. 


57 


PLAYBOY 


58 


Merit 
Changing 


High Tar 
Minds. 


‘Enriched Flavor.tobacco convincing increasing numbers 
of high tar smokers to make low tar move. 


MERIT continues to attract 
75% of all its smokers 
directly from high tar cigarettes. 
Many from brands they've 
been enjoying for years. 

at's the latest report on 
‘Enriched Flavor’ tobacco and 
the impact it's having on the 
cigarette market. 

Smokers who thought they'd 
never find a low tar cigarette 
with enough taste to switch to 
are changing their minds. 

And their brands. 

The taste tests show why. 


Tests Convince Smokers 


MERIT and MERIT 100’s 
were packed with ‘Enriched 
Flavor’ tobacco. And taste- 
tested against a number of 
higher tar cigarettes. 

Overall, smokers reported 
they liked the taste of both 
MERIT and MERIT 100$ as 
much as the taste of the higher 
tar cigarettes tested. 

Cigarettes having up to 60% 
more tar! 

Only one cigarette has 
‘Enriched Flavor’ tobacco. 


© Philip Morris Inc. 1978 And you can taste it. 


LOW TAR-ENRICHED FLAVOR’ 


Kings: Bmg'"tar;' 0.6mg nicotineav. per cigarette, FIC Report Aug: 77 
100's: 12mg" ‘tar,’ 0.9 mg nicotine av. per cigarette by FTC Method. 
Warning: The Surgeon General Hes Determined 


That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. Kings & 1005 


PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: D ON MERED ITH 


a candid conversation with “dandy don,” television’s drawlin’ sportscaster 


At the end of last summer, while mil- 
lions of Americans pondered such weighty 
issues as Koreagate, the fate of Bert Lance 
and the national unemployment rate, at 
least one bit of news seemed cheery: Don 
Meredith was coming back to ABC-TV's 
“Monday Night Football.” Ordinarily, the 
hiring (or, in this case, the rehiring) of a 
sports announcer is greeted with the big- 
gest of yawns, but Dandy Don isn’t your 
ordinary sports announcer. Jn his eight 
years of broadcasting, Meredith—whose 
country-boy persona never quite conceals 
his sense of sardonic humor—has. built a 
surprisingly strong public following. 

Meredith's singular brand of urbane 
corn scems to blend perfectly with the 
patrician play-by-play of Frank Gifford 
and the prolix pronunciamentos (as he 
might put it) of Howard Cosell. Togeth- 
er, they form the most entertaining broad- 
cast team on television today, In fact, the 
byplay among the three announcers often 
overshadows the ball game they're cover- 
ing and by now has become one of the 
show's chief attractions. Although Fault- 
less Frank usually prefers to take himself 
out of that particular game, Meredith 
delights in it—especially when taking the 
wind out of Cosel's sails if Humble 
Howard blows a bit too blustery. As a 
result of his inspired goofing around, 


“1 don't like crowds to begin with, but to 
walk through one with Howard Cosell— 
man, people shout all kinds of things at 
him. And they're not kidding around. 
People can be violent toward Howard.” 


Meredith has become one of the highest- 
paid sportscasters in TV. history. To lure 
him away from NBC, ABC is reportedly 
shelling out $400,000 а year on a long- 
term contract that allows him to skip all 
pre- and. postseason football broadcasts, 
plus up to four Monday-night games if he 
should be acting in a movie at the time. 
For a former pro quarterback to whom 
down and out was threatening to become 
more a way of life than a pass pattern, 
Meredith has made one hell of a come- 
back. 

Born on April 10, 1938, in М1. Vernon, 
Texas, Meredith was the son of hard- 
working parents who ran a dry-goods 
store and raised cattle on 600 acres of 
nearby land that they owned. “But that 
didn't mean we were rich,” Meredith says. 
“I didn't realize we were poor until I was 
18, because everything had always been 
smooth—we always ate well and my jeans 
and T-shirts were always clean, but we 
never really had any money.” 

The two Meredith boys—Don and his 
older brother, Billy Jack—grew up help- 
ing out in the store, feeding the cattle 
and generally enjoying a conventional 
East Texas childhood. Early on, it became 
clear that Don was an exceptional athlete, 
and by the time he was ready for col- 
lege, he'd become the Southwest's most 


“The stories about my troubles with the 
Cowboys often had to do with the clash 
of two giant egos—mine and Tom Lan- 
Фу. 1 was determined not to go along 
with all the regimentation of his system.” 


heavily recruited schoolboy football play- 
er. After receiving and weighing scores of 
offers, Meredith accepted a free ride to 
Southern Methodist University. “When 1 
was a sophomore, I decided on what I'd do 
with the rest of my life," he recalls. “I'd 
marry the campus queen, become a lawyer, 
work for some people I knew who owned 
an oil company and live in Camelot." 

Meredith's vision of Camelot changed 
by the time he was graduated in 1960. A 
two-time all-American at SMU, he set a 
college record for career throwing accu- 
racy by completing 61 percent of all his 
passes. Although he and his broadcast 
colleagues kid about his football days, 
Meredith, a slick, intelligent quarterback, 
played nine seasons for the Dallas Cow- 
boys and was twice voted to the National 
Football League's All-Star team. When he 
retired after the 1968 scason—prematurc- 
ly, many thought—he'd been the N.F.L's 
second leading passer that season. For 
more than a year after that, Meredith 
met with resounding financial failure, 
and he seemed on the verge of becoming 
just another bottomed-out ex-jock, until, 
in 1970, he suddenly found himself on 
“Monday Night Football.” 

To interview the 39-year-old announcer 
and aspiring actor, PLAYBOY sent Lawrence 
linderman to mect with Meredith at his 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY CARL IRI 


"We're seeing a softening of machismo 
now, but for a long time, sport was one 
way of defining what it means to be a man. 
Football represented a hard-core mascu- 
linity that baseball and basketball didn’t.” 


59 


PLAYBOY 


60 


home in Los Angeles and to follow him 
around on the Monday-night circuit. Lin- 
derman reports: 

“Meredith often seems to be a 63", 
200-pound version of Huckleberry Finn, 
except that there's also a good deal of 
Mark Twain in him, which makes things 
conjusing for everybody, including Mere- 
dith. But at least this much is clear: He is 
as bright as а San Antonio sunrise, as 
charming as he wants to be (and usually 
he wants to be) and as private as he can 
be. In many ways, his world begins and 
ends with his wife, Susan, а sensitive, in- 
dependent woman who is her man’s an- 
chor. What they have is each other and 
son Michael, Meredith's ten-year-old from 
a second marriage. Very little else has 
meaning for Meredith, though it should 
be noted that he prefers to travel in style. 
The Merediths live in a snazzy home in 
а snazzy section of Beverly Hills, but they 
don't really make the Hollywood scene. 
You won't see Don and Susan at openings 
and previews, for their social life consists 
primarily of visiting friends or having 
friends visit them. 

“Ironically, Meredith is perhaps the 
most approached—and least approach- 
able—member of ABC's Monday-night tri- 
umuirate. People don’t run up to Howard. 
Cosell, because he intimidates them, and 
they don’t slap Frank Gifford on the 
back, because he is such a nice guy (he is) 
they just don't want to disturb him. But 
ole Dandy Don is everyone's country 
cousin—and Meredith, being а well- 
brought-up, extremely polite man, rarely 
fails to respond in a proper manner. Act- 
ing thus suits him very well, for, in truth, 
Meredith has been playing a role for 
many years: He's about as much a bucolic 
bumpkin as Cosell is. 

"Behind the mask of Dandy Don there 
lurks а very guarded. man, and. although 
interviewing him was a pleasure, it was 
also work, for Meredith is rather reluctant 
to open up about himself. Still, when he 
finally got semicomfortable with the idea 
of having his thoughts recorded for 
PLAYBOY and posterity (that’s what inter- 
viewers shout as they charge into battle), 
Meredith warmed to the project. Since the 
N.F.L. season was in full swing when we 
started taping, Dandy Don's reappearance 
on ‘Monday Night Football’ provided the 
opening subject for our conversations.” 


PLAYBOY: Last summer, when Roone 
Arledge announced your return to Mon- 
day Night Football, he called it “a great 
leap backward." Arledge was being face- 
tious, but was there any truth to his 
remark? 

MEREDITH: I don't think so. My contract 
was up at NBC, and І [elt that if I were 
going to continue doing football games 
on TV—which I'd decided to do—then 
ABC was the best place to do ‘em. Aside 
from that, there's a. big diflerence to me 


in the way the two companies are struc- 
tured. I know who to talk to at ABC; 1 
didn't at NBC. When I left ABC three 
years ago, I left knowing and liking a lot 
of people there and feeling that they 
liked me. At NBC, the only person 1 
really got to know was Curt Gowdy. 
‘That's an exaggeration, of course, but the 
point is, I'm much more comfortable at 
ABC. I do the same thing 1 was doing at 
but instead of doing it on Sunday 
afternoons, 1 do it on Monday nights, 
when the exposure is greater. To me, it's 
like, why play in Greenwich, Connecti- 
cut, when you can be on Broadway? I 
had an opportunity to go back and I 
tool 
PLAYBOY: You went back to a job that you 
were very eager to leave just three years 
ago. Has the job changed—or have you? 

MEREDITH: A little bit of both, I think. 
Before I went to NBC, acting was a very 
important consideration to me, and it still 
is. At the time, ABC had a different 
management sctup on its entertainment 
side; maybe I hadn't pushed my acting 
quite as hard as I might have, but ABC. 
really wasn't interested in me other than 
for Monday Night Football. There are 


"To me, it's like, why 
play in Greenwich, 
Connecticut, when you 
can be on Broadway?” 


very few secrets in television, My contract 
was up—I’d finished my fourth year— 
and I was cither going to sign with ABC 
ог go someplace else. Well, NBC offered 
me a chance to do fewer ball games, ten 
year, and implied that I'd be used qı 
a bit in entertainment shows. That was 
the important part: I'd become more 
involved in acting. I also think NBC 
wanted me off Monday Night Football, 
and that was fine with me: I felt that if 
I were going to give acting a serious run, 
Monday Night Football was getting to be 
too strong an identification. I thought 
that being part of the Monday-night trio 
would make it very dificult for people to 
find me believable if they saw me doing 
anything else. That still might be a 
problem. 

PLAYBOY: We don't doubt that what you 
say is пие, but people who work with 
you at ABC believe the real reason you 
left was that you were in some way dis- 
turbed by the telecast’s huge success. Are 
they wrong? 

MEREDITH: In a way, that did bother me. 
Almost from the first game, it was like 
being on a hit series, and maybe Arledge 
knew that Monday Night Football would 


work out like that, but I don't think any- 
one else did. Our ratings kept picking up 
steam throughout our first season, and 
by rhe second year, all kinds of things 
would happen when we'd go into a town: 
The mayor would greet us, there'd be 
ribbon-cutting ceremonies, breakfasts, 
luncheons, cocktail parties—it was a car- 
nivallike atmosphere, and you can get 
tired of going to the carnival. 
there were the speal 
When you're hot, you're hot—and we 
were hot. 1 think I spoke at 47 sports 
banquets in three months, and I finally 
realized it wasn't Monday Night Football 
that was bothering me so much, it was 
myself. If you want to speak at sports 
banquets, there are so many of ‘em 
around that you can pick up good bread 
doing it, but I really didn't want to do it 
and now I choose not to do it. But when 
Monday Night Football started, we were 
kind of obligated to ABC to promote the 
nd there's still a little more of an 


vay, after four years of it, I found 
that I just got tired, and I expect I'll get 
tired again. 

PLAYBOY: Why? 

MEREDITH: Because, physically, the travel 
is tough to take. 1 don't fly well; my head 
stops up every time I get on a plane and, 
unlike players who have half their games 
at home, just about all of ours are on the 
road. That really does get tiring; by 
the end of the season, you kind of mect 
yourself coming and going from airports 
and hotels. 1 just hope that I've got the 
thing in a litle better focus now. 
PLAYBOY: Did you sce any proof of that 
during the past season? 

MEREDITH: I think so. One thing I never 
really liked about Monday Night Football 
was the emphasis on the announcers. I 
always felt that the emphasis should be 
on the ball game, but now I can under- 
stand what makes us different from Sun- 
day games: We're on in prime time, so 
there almost has to be more entert: 
ment involved. 

PLAYBOY: How do you define your duties 
on Monday Night Football? 

MEREDITH: I'm an impartial social observ- 
er. Isn't that what I am? No? Well, how 
about just plain social observer? What 1 
шу to do is pick up on things most 
people don't, and then point them out in 
a way that will make the game a 
more fun to watch, By now, I hav 
ly good knowledge of football and 1 
definitely think there are occasions when 
I can spot what makes a particular play 
work or not work. For instance, on inter- 
ceptions, I'm said to be notoriously pro- 
fective of quarterbacks. Well, that's the 
only position I feel I know a great deal 
about, and if a quarterback throws a bad 
pass, I don't hesitate to say so. But ГЇЇ 
also check out the part of the frame you 
might not see on your TV screen, and if 
I sce that one receiver ran the wrong pass 


Total Energy Response: 


The reason why Jensen Lifestyle speakers 
sound hetter than any comparable speaker. 


Just what is Total 
Energy Response? 

‘Total Energy Response is the uniform 
radiation of sound throughout the whole 
listening area —at all frequencies. And it 
makes an unquestionable difference in 
the stereo sourds you hear 

Most speakers are to one degree 
or another directional. That is, part 
of the room in front of the speaker 
gets the full sound. Bass, treble and 
midrange. While parts of the room 
to the sides of the speaker get just a 
fragment of the sound. (See Fig. A) 

It's precisely this fault we set out 
to correct. Because others may tell 
only part of the story. Often with 
just one response curve measured 
from just one position—their 
optimum position. 

However their results don't look 
so favorable when the test microphone is 
moved “off-axis,” 
that is, to the side. 
instead of directly in 
front of these 
speakers. 

Figure B illus- 
trates this. It is a 
‘Total Energy Re- 
sponse curve, taken 
with test micro- 
phones in all positions. When comparing 
the Jensen (blue line) with a comparably 
priced "flat" speaker (redline), you can see 
how deficient the other speaker is in total 
radiated energy in the mid and midhigh 
frequencies. This midrange deficiency is 
unfortunately very common amongst 
speakers, and gives many so-called “flat” 


= = 


Figure A Ordinary 
Speaker Dispersion 


Figure B. 
Total Energy Response Curve 


response speakers a very “thin” sound. 
The Jensen Lifestyle speaker, on the 

other hand, demonstrates true Total 

Energy Response. Uniform radiated 


power—at all frequencies—throughout 
the whole room. 

These speakers were conceived, de- 
signed and tested for this. Tested from 
every spot in anechoic "dead" rooms, 
reverberation “live” rooms, and 
simulated living rooms. 

Our finished products: remarkable dis- 
persion for the hard-to-disperse high fre- 
quencies... 160° or 170° wide, depending 
on the model. Also expanded dispersion 
of the critical midrange response. And full, 
rich bass that still perfectly matches the 
other frequencies for accurate sound re- 
production. The way it's supposed to 
be beard. 

You can see how 
the sound from a 
Jensen is distrib- 
uted much more: 
evenly throughout 


aroom. And when " 
you're in your = 
ownlistening room Figure C Jensen Lifestyle 
you can hear it 155 Dspeson 
What does all this mean to you? 


1. It means that with Jensen Lifestyle 
speakers, you'll be able to hear all of the 
frequencies, all of the time, in almost any 


part of the room. Not just the bass if 

you're to the side of the speakers. And 

not just the treble if you're in front 
of them. 

2. Excellent stereo imaging. You 
hear everything that both speakers 
are putting out. Almost anywhere. 
in the room. Unlike listeners of oth- 
er speakers, who can fall victim to 
gaps in the response characteris 
tics, or “hole-in-the-middle" stereo. 

3. Excellent balance. Many other 
speakers are hoton treble, or bass, 
or both. But all that really means is 
that the micrange is often reglect- 
ed. Jensen sends the all-important 
midrange throughout a room every 
bit as much as the highs and lows. 

4, Total Energy Response is 
achieved in Jensen speakers with- 
out any loss of efficiency. Which 
means a moderate output amp or 

receiver is stil all you need for great 
performance. Not a big super-amp. 


What gives Jensen Total 
Energy Response? 

Anumber of features. First, the ex- 
tremely wide dispersion of the Lifestyle 
‘Tuned Isolation Chamber™ midranges. 

Especially important are Jensen's two 
tweeters: а 160° dispersion cone direct 
radiator, and the 170° dispersion Mylar® 
Sonodome® tweeter The sound input to 
each of these drivers is precisely 
monitored by Jensen's exclusive 
Comtrac® crossover network, 
which insures uniform energy 
transfer between the woofer, 
midrange, and tweeter. 

For final command of the 
Jensen Lifestyles sound, behind- 
the-grille controls are featured. 
‘These controls let you adjust the 
treble, and in some cases, the 
midrange, to the characteristics 
of your individual room 

And with Тоа! Energy Response... 


there's more music to control. 


Hear the difference yourself... 
Stop by your local Jensen dealer 
and hear for yourself the difference 
Total Energy Response makes. It's the 
reason why Jensen Lifestyle speakers 
sound better than any comparable 
Speaker 


For the name and location of your nearest Jensen dealer, write: 
Jensen Sound Laboratories, Division of Pemcor, Inc., 4136 N. United Parkway, Schiller Park, IL 60176. 


PLAYBOY 


62 


pattern or that another forgot to check- 
block the linebacker before he went out, 
ГЇЇ mention that. I think that's informa- 
tive; not earth-shaking, but that's what 
my quarterback experience is good for. 
You know the way the Air Force uses 
flash cards to teach pilots how to identify 
foreign aircraft? Well, 105 almost the 
same thing with quarterbacks and films of 
olfensive plays. Teams break down their 
game films into offensive and defensive 
plays, and after you watch those films for 
a while—and I watched ‘em for a really 
long time—you start relating to ‘em like 
flash cards. The plays get into your head 
and you kinda feel like one of Paviov's 
dogs. So І can see what goes wrong with 
a play that starts off well and doesn't 
develop as it should. I can sce things that 
aren't there. Isn't that amazing? That's 
why I'm considered an expert analyst. 
But I've fever really considered that a 
proper handle. I still like impartial social 
observer, 

PLAYBOY: Docs the impartial social ob- 
server ever find it difficult to sandwich in 
his observations between. Frank Gifford's 
play-by-play and Howard Cosell's com- 
mentary? 

MEREDITH: No problem there. I'm respon- 
sible for talking about the action the first 
time the replay is shown, which is also 
what color commentators do on the other 
networks. Only thing is, I think we show 
too many replays. I think we should look 
for something other than a situation 
where I'm going to have to say, “Well, 
you can see it right there, he went off 
right tackle, yes, sir, there he goes. Off 
right tackle." That kind of play makes 
it very tough to kecp from repeating 
yourself. 

PLAYBOY: Is that one of the more difficult 
aspects of your job? 

MEREDITH: Sure it is, but when I started 
out, the most difficult thing was trying to 
hold my train of thought with the plugs 
in my ears and the director talking to me 
and, at the same time, trying not to step 
on somebody else's lines while saying 
what I wanted to say in 20 scconds. It 
was a matter of adapting to the time spar 
1 would ay to explain what had h 
pened, but by the time I'd explained it, 
three other plays had gone by, which was 
definitely a handicap to my broadcasting 
future. Also, the folks at ABC said I had 
an accent, 

PLAYBOY: Don't believe "em, Don. They 
have the accent. Most of them don't even 
come from Texas. 

MEREDITH: I never really did believe them. 
‘They said I had a drawl and that I talked. 
slowly. Of course, it did seem to take me 
forever to say something like, "What he 
really was trying to do was, he had 
the end out there a little bit and he w 
trying to get him on the inside,” and I'd 
go on and on, until I learned a slightly 
different vocabulary that could fit the 
time frame of the medium. 


PLAYBOY: Since you obviously didn't 
know what you were doing when you 
started ош on Monday Night Fooiball, 
how were you able to get the job? 

MEREDITH: Fate, it must have been fate. 
its a fairly involved story. I 
retired from football after the 1968 sea- 
son. I'd just played out the first year of a 
three-year contract with the Dallas Cow- 
boys, which le it kinda difficult to 
quit—I was making $100,000 a year, and 
that’s a heck of a lot of money, But I'd 
had it for a combination of reasons. One 
had to do with a playoff game the 
Cowboys played against Cleveland in '68. 
We had a beautiful game plan backed up 
by a@fedst 14 game films of the Browns, 
and we were ready for them. We knew, 
for instance, that they would ays do 
the same things defensively against a cer- 
tain offensive formation, and so we 
worked on plays to beat their defense. 
Well. when the game started and we got 
the ball, I called a pass play, dropped 
back, read the keys and threw. nd a 
guy intercepted my pass. All of a sudden, 
it hit me: The Browns weren't doing 
what they were supposed to do! There's 


"I can see what goes wrong 
with a play that starts off 
well and doesn't develop 

as it should. I can see 
things that aren't there. 
Isn't that amazing?" 


a point where you can rely on the system. 
too much, and that's when it's gotten 
you—and when I went to the side lines, 
that was the cloud hanging over my head. 
The same thing happened twice more 
during that game, and by the end of it, 
Га lost what I really believed in most. I 
couldn't get over it. The Browns just 
wouldn't do what they were supposed to 
do. I left the field thinking. Wow, 1 
have gone too far, they have gotten into 
my head. And then 1 thought, They 
n't have that. 

Well, I didn't retire right then, but the 
following summer, I was in Augusta, 
Georgia, filming a commercial and it was 
almost time to report to the Cowboys’ 
training camp in Thousand Oaks, Cali- 
fornia. Thats when the decision was 
made, I thought of going back to my 
same little room in training camp; of 
going to bed at 11 and getting up at 
E of going to meetings and two-a- 
day practices; of starting oft 
things like dive right and dive left; of 
getting on my little bus and going to the 
quarterbacks room—and I didn't want 
to do any of it anymore. So while 1 was 


flying home from Augusta, just grazing 
along up there in the clouds, I said to 
myself, OK, kid, what is it? We know 
what's coming up—we've been there be- 
fore. Is that what you want to do? The 
answer was no. If that’s all there was to 
the circus, it was time to break out the 
booze and dance. 

PLAYBOY: Is that when you decided to go 
into broadcasting? 

MEREDITH: Nope. mediately went from 
$100,000 a season as a football player to 
$1000 a month as a stockbroker. After 
getting my license as a stockbroker, 1 
went into business with my brother and 
some other guys in Dallas. I knew I 
wasn't going to be a stockbroker all my 
life, but it was a way out of football 
for me. 

PLAYBOY: How did you do as a broker? 
MEREDITH: І was a miserable failure. I just 
couldn't make cold calls. I remember the 
thing that got me out of it in a hurry. 
One day, I went to see a man in Dallas 
who had bookoos and bookoos of mon- 
ey—the guy was a sports fan and a pretty 
active trader. I'd learned all these things 
about how you sell a new customer, so 
when I called on the guy, 1 gave him our 
spiel: We were a small regional firm and 
occasionally we'd have unique investment 
opportunities because of the companies 
we were close to, so we'd like to call on 
him from time to time. 

Well, this guy was smoking a big ole 
cigar in his big ole office, and after I 
hed, he leaned back in his big ole 
“ГЇЇ tell you what, Don. 
e always liked you. I do 
some investing, as you know, so every 
now and then, I'll make it a point to 
throw you a bone." 

I walked out of there thinking, Shi 
man, I can't handle that. He's gonna 
throw me a bone? To use а cliché, you 
expect that your name is gonna get your 
foot in the door. Well, all it meant to me 


was that somebody was gonna slam it 
оп my foot. 


= Didn't you enter the brokerage 
iness just as the stock market began 
to fall? 

MEREDITH: I certainly did; timed it just 
right. In addition to that, I really didn't 
and don't have a genuine feel for the 
handling of securities. Never touch 
myself, which can be a definite handicap 
to someone who wants to be a stock- 
broker. But I stayed with it for a few 
months and then went to Africa for five 
weeks to hunt cape buffalo for the Amer- 
ican Sportsman TV show, My first day 
over there, they told me that the cape 
buffalo is one of only five animals in 
the world that will attack man on sight. 
That wasn't very comforting: I'm basi- 
cally a coward. Besides, I had nothing 
against cape buffalo, and I hoped they 
had nothing against me. I just wanted 
that trip because I was restless and un- 
comfortable with what I'd been doing. It 


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63 


PLAYBOY 


64 


was a great example of escapism. 
PLAYBOY: Did you resolve anything while 
you were over there? 

MEREDITH: Yes, I really did. When you're 
camped out on the Zambezi River and 
you see and hear all those animals in 
their own environment—hey, it’s not a 
200, they're there. Africa is just so alive, 
you can't help being overwhelmed by it. 
And, somehow, being there gave me an 
opportunity to reevaluate myself and 
what I was doing with my life. What I 
resolved was this: I had to start making 
better choices and more honest choices. 
1 knew something was out of sync. For 
instance, the guy in Dallas who wanted 
to throw me а bone—I'd overreacted to 
that, but I still considered it a demeaning 
situation. 1 realized that we all prostitute 
ourselves, to a degree, but it's the degree 
that we must try to control. So I began 
making plans to get out of what I was 
doing, and after 1 came back from Africa, 
1 bluffed my way through the stockbrok- 
ing song and dance until spring and then 
called Frank Cifford. Га gotten to know 
Frank through playing against him and 
mecting him at different functions, and I 
was confident І could ask him about TV 
work and he wouldn't say he'd throw me 
a bone. l knew if there was something 
Frank could do, he'd do it and, if not, 
he'd tell me so. 

I don't know whether you can imagine 
this or not, but at that time in my life, I 
was fairly sensitive about people throw 
ing me bones. Things just weren't going 
right for me. When I called Frank, I'd 
basically run out of all my cash. 1 was a 
guy who'd played nine seasons of pro 
football and had earned top dolla 
one year out and all of a sudden, I 
broke. 

PLAYBOY: Where did all your money go? 
MEREDITH: Well, I'd deferred some of it 
and the rest just kind of went away. So 
I said to myself, I want something to help 
me make it through the fall. I want to 
pick up a little change, and I think I 
can get it by doing football on TV. 

Anyway, when Frank got back to me, 
he told me that, yes, CBS was interested. 
In the meantime, he'd flown somewhere 
with Roone and had mentioned my 
name to him. Roone said he wanted to 


So I called him again, and again I didn't 
get a call back. By then, Га talked to 
CBS and they said yes, they wanted to do 


a deal and that I was to go to New York 
and close it out. I was going to do re- 
gional telecasts of Cowboy games, and 
the day Т was leaving Texas to meet with 
the CBS guys, Roone finally returned my 
сай. He gave me all his reasons for not 
getting back to me and I was very brash 
1 told him, "Hey, I just want to see you 
and tell you what a horse's ass I think 
you are.” He didn't know whether I was 


teasing or not. I didn't, either. When I 
got to New York, the CBS people offered 
me $20,000 for the season and I told 
them I appreciated it—and that I was 
ing to meet Arledge. I said something 
1 don't think I'm going to ask for 
ulous amount of money and there's 
no way he's going to do it, anyway, but 
I have an appointment and I'm not go- 
ing to come back and bargain with you. 
I accept your offer as being legitimate 
and I appreciate it. 
Roone and I went to Toots Shor's 
restaurant, where we drank our lunch 
and shook hands on a $30,000 d. 
PLAYBOY: Had you been more intercsted 
in Monday-night games than in the Sun- 
day variety? 
MEREDITH: 1 wasn’t interested in any of it. 
l wasn't interested in football at all. I 
was just interested in saying, "OK, this 
is something I can do, and right now, 1 
don't have anything else going for me. 
Which wasn't quite the truth. Burt 
Reynolds is а friend of mi and his 
agent, a guy named Dick Clayton, had 
gotten me a screen test in ‘66. I'd been 
out to Los Angeles to play in a couple of 
Pro Bowl games and Dick and a few 
people 1 met there felt 1 could go to 
Hollywood after 1 retired and give acting 


“Roone Arledge finally 
returned my call. I told 
him, ‘Hey, I just want to 
tellyou what а horse’s ass 


” 


I think you are, 


a shot. By then, I'd done some commer- 
cials and a TV show in Dallas on which 
Га reviewed film clips and so forth—one 
of your typical coach’scorner-type shows. 
So I felt that I at least had a chance to 
do something in the entertainment bu 
ness, but whether it would be tele 
or movies 1 didn't know. Clayton told 
me it would help if I went to Hollywood, 
but I couldn't see myself making that 
move right then. That's wh 
tion was when I started working for ABC. 
PLAYBOY: In his Playboy Interview, Cosell 
told us that before Monday Night Fool- 
ball went on the air, you, he and Keith 
Jackson worked an exhibition game as a 
st and that you were so depressed by 
your performance you were ready to chuck 
the whole thing and go back to Texas— 
until Cosell convinced you to stay on. Was 
that the case? 

MEREDITH: 1 alwa 
interpretation of what went on that day. 
He tells that story all the time, and every 
time he tells it, I come off a little bit 
more frightened. The last time I heard it, 


I think I'd made it all the way to the 
airport before he saved me and brought 
me back to ABC. The thing 7 remember 
is that I didn't know anything а 
Howard Cosell. Td met him one ti 
an awards show, where he was doing in- 
terviews. Several people had told me to 
be careful, but I didn't know what they 
mean 
PLAYBOY: Had you seen him work? 
MEREDITH: No. I'd never seen Cosell on 
television, and 1 don't n know if he 
was on television at that time, Was he? 
AYBOY: Yes, he was. In those days, 
Cosell's TV carcer was mainly limited to 
boxing telecasts, often of Muhammad 
Ali's bouts. 
MEREDITH: Well, I don't like boxing, so І 
guess that explains it. 1 never watch 
boxing. Anyway, when we did that test 
t, 1 felt very sorry tor Літ. 
PLAYBOY: Why? 
MEREDITH: Well, 1 don't know what they 
ушр in Созе ear, but in my 
carphone, they were really all over him. 
Exerybody was new at it, of course, and, 
granted, I had no idea of what 1 was 
doing. But they screamed and yelled at 
him, and Howard got mad and pouted 
and wouldn't say a thing for an entir 
quarter. Keith did the play-by-play tha 
first : sittin’ in the booth 
with them and thinkin’, What am I do- 
ing in Detroit 
My disappointment wasn't so much 
about my performance as it was about, 
What is all this? Why am I doing this? 
In ап , 1 was not very good. I caught 
myself repeating almost every cliché I'd 
heard sports announcers use, and even 
while 1 was doing it, 1 was thinking, Thi 
is just awful. It was awful when they s; 
it, and it's twice as awful when Z 
Terrific original lines: “He really got 
his foot into that one, didn't he, folks: 
ango, look at those two guards pulling 
out in front of the runner." I even said, 
"Hello, football fans everywhere." Just 
awful. 
PLAYBOY: How long did it take you to 
improve? 
MEREDITH: Not too many games, actually. 
It turned out that there we: 


nd 1 wi 


equipment and 1 didn't know what any 
of those people did up there, so I assumed 
it must be very, very difficult. In that first 
game at Detroit, 1 think I had six moni- 
tors in front of me. 7 was that Га 


cameras by anticip: s. Unfor 
tunately, I used the only terminology 1 
knew, which was coach Tom Landry's 
terminology—green right, triple X open 
power, 49 EGO, things like that. It w: 
very simple for me, but there I was, u 
ing to teach Forte Landry's entire system, 
which I hadn't really learned in nine 


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PLAYBOY 


years of playing for the Cowboys. It was 
all very confusing. 

PLAYBOY: In spite of that, you still man- 
aged to win an Emmy that first season, 
Did it surprise you? 

MEREDITH: A little bit. I think they gave it 
to me for that years Dallas-St Louis 
game. The Cowboys were favored, and 
St. Louis beat "em 38-0. It was my first 
broadcast of a Dallas game and I was 
excited about it. I was really prepared— 
boy, I had more information than you 
can possibly imagine. I talked to every- 
body. Y had the Cowboys’ game plan in 
my hand, knew what they'd do all over 
the field —had it down. I was ready. And 
they didn't do any of it. І mean, it was 
just the worst game you've ever secn. 
Everything the Cowboys tried went 
wrong. I got so into it that I finally 
apologized for the Cowboys. I said some- 
thing like, “I don’t know what the heck 
they're doin’ out there, but I've never 
seen anything like it in my life.” It was 
just a total emotional involvement with a 
particular team, and I wound up saying 
whatever came to my mind. 

PLAYBOY: Was it diflicult for you to be- 
come objective about your job? 

MEREDITH: I don't believe so. In terms of 
my actual performance on the during 
that first year, I'd call up Gifford every 
week—he was my critic. And I'd try to 
watch Frank's games, ‘cause, at that time, 
he was doing the same thing for CBS 
that I doing for ABC. Frank, of 
coune, joined Monday Night Football 
after our first season. Keith, a really 
smooth and delightful guy. was assigned 
to ABC's college games and came out 
with a much better deal for himself. 1 was 
really pleased with the shift, because it 
meant my pal was coming over. Since I 
was going to have to travel to all those 
cities, with Frank around, it would be 
more like taking a weekend vacation. In 
the meantime, I'd gotten to know How- 
ard. He happens to be very entertaining 
and he's really fun to be with—as long 
as he holds everything under control. He 
has tendencies like all of us to let it slip 
sometimes, but, by and large, he really 
is a Jot of fun, 

PLAYBOY: Once Gifford joined the show, 
you and he almost seemed to come oft as 
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid— 
with Cosell being cast as a black-hatted 
villain audiences love to hiss. Has that 
caused any problems among the three 
of you? 

MEREDITH: No, and I [cel Howard handles 
it extremely well. Howard became an 
immediate star through Monday Night 
Football—and whether he wears a black 
hat or a white hat, he's a celebrity, and a 
big one. Frank and I, through our ath- 
letic careers, had each been dealing with 
being a celebrity for а fairly long period 
of time—though not necessarily on the 
same level, because television is much 
bigger than the athletic things we'd done. 


I think becoming a celebrity was a bit 
more of а shock for Howard than it was 
for us; don't forget that Cosell was 50 
years old when it happened, and when 
you come into it late, it might be a little 
more difficult to deal with. And as far as 
Howard's being criticized —HIm using your 
thought now—and our being applauded, 
well, Howard's never been malicious 
about it or allowed it to interfere with 
we do on the ai 
In various polls Cosell has 


caster in the nation, 
often tend to be almost vicious. 


Does 


that surprise youz 
MEREDITH: Not completely, because I 
think that when Howard burst onto the 


scene, he shocked our rather staid culture 
to the extent that he was immediately 
rejected. After that, the reaction to him 
turned into heavy frustration and then 
aggressive rejection. 1 think now the pen- 
dulum's starting to swing his way a little 
bit and people are starting to listen and 


“Howard Cosell isa perfect 
foil for a lot of frustrations 
that are running rampant 
through our society in 
general and in the sports 
community in particular.” 


respond to what he says. And yet, when 
you walk through a stadium with How. 


ard, the reaction to him is almost 
frightening. 

PLAYBOY: In what sense? Do you feel 
physically threatened? 


MEREDITH: Absolutely, and that's a very 
frightening thing. I don’t like crowds to 
begin with, but to walk through one with 
Howard—man, people shout all kinds of 
things at him. And they're not kidding 
around. Гуе heard curse words yelled at 
him, we've had bomb threats—people 
can be very violent toward Howard. One 
time in Miami, Cosell got a letter threat- 
ening his life, and I don’t remember 
exactly what it said, but, for some reason, 
it had a ring of reality to it. Howard had 
been getting a lot of criticism in Miami 
because people held him responsible for 
the fact that highlights of the Dolphin 
games weren't shown at half time. He 
had nothing to do with choosing кш 
highlights were showi 
begin announcing tha 
the letter said something to the effect that 
he was going to get it when he got to 
Miami, and at first, we didn't pay any 
attention to it. Cosell had received a few 
of those before and they'd always been 
from cranks. But this one just didn't 


seem like a crank letter, so we had a 
police escort when we got to the Orange 
Bowl. To get to the press box there, you 
have to walk across a little catwalk and 
you're briefly exposed to the crowd. Well, 
that night, there were policemen at both 
ends of the catwalk, but when we walked 
across it, hey, it was just frightening. 
PLAYSOY: Why? 
MEREDITH: Because as we started across it, 
there rumble from the crowd. The 
whole psychology of crowds—its really 
wild. You can get them turned one way 
or the other and you never really know 
what's going to happen. Maybe I'm exag-. 
gerating a little, but I occasionally do 
fear physical harm when we do those 
games. 1 don't envy Howard's position at 
all, but I guess a certain degree of that 
goes with being Howard Cosell. 
PLAYBOY: Docs it sccm strange to you that 
people can get so worked up over such 
trivial things as half-time highlights and 
the men who announce football games? 
MEREDITH: Oh, I think it's strange, all 
right. Unfortunately, Howard is a perfect 
foil for a lot of frustrations that are 
running rampant through our society in 
general and in the sports community in 
particular. That's a very volatile com- 
ity. If you win, then your team is 
fantastic and the whole community 
ly up. If your team loses, the com- 
munity is really down—and there are 
more losing teams than winners. When 
it gets toward the end of a season, every- 
one realizes that there’s gonna be only 
one winner, and I think it causes certain 
tensions to build up. And because Mon- 
day Night Football is na al, Howard 
is, too, and people focus their frustra- 
tions on him. 
PLAYBOY: What makes him such a perfect 
foil? 
MEREDITH: Physical 


characteristics—the 
he looks. The way he sounds. How- 
ird's a New York Jew and he has all the 
things that set him up for bigotry and 
abuse. He's been accused of everything 
from loving blacks to hating blacks, and 
the complaints гип the spectrum, What- 
ever it is, he’s accused of it. His delivery, 
his vocabulary—when he uses that vocab- 
шату with that delivery, one tends to 
think that he's talking down to onc. 
Throwing you a Lone, so to sp nd I 
think that’s the most offensive thing 
about Howard. 

PLAYBOY: Has Cosell thrown you bones, 
зо to speal 
MEREDITH: Well, һе used to needle me 
about different things, my inability to do 
this or that, and he'd tease me about the 
Cowboys, but that never really offended 
me. I used to get uptight, though, when 
he'd occasionally pick on Frank for not 
identifying a player right—Howard loved 
to do that, I'd really get mad, because I 
felt that was unnecessary. It was like 
somebody's picking on my brother. Look 
out: I can say what / want to about him, 
but dont you say anything about him. 


So I'd get upset, but Howard's so dog- 
gone clever he might have been doing it 
"cause maybe 1 was going to sleep or he 
was trying to get a rise out of me. I don't. 
know what the heck he's doing out there 
sometimes. What he mostly does is this: 
He does his number. 

PLAYBOY: What does that number con- 
sist of? 

MEREDITH: Howard just knows what works. 
He is one of the top personalities in the 
United States of America and he didn't 
get there by accident, He's smart; he 
knows what to do. His talent lies in the 
area of presenting things the no 
one else can present them. If you'd heard 
as many Howard Cosell imitations as I 
have, you'd realize the impact of the 
man’s style—and he created that style. 1 
think Howard can go too far with it, and 
I've told him that, but in other arcas, I 
don't think he goes far enough. 

PLAYBOY: For instance? 

MEREDITH: Politics. Three or four years 
ago, he talked about wanting 10 run for 
the Senate, and if more people had taken 
him seriously, he definitely would've run 
for the office. I think Howard would 
make a very good Senator, because he has 
a way of getting in and doing things like 
nobody else can. As I say, I have tremen- 
dous-respect for him. There's no one else 
like Howard on any network, on any 
show. He is that different. 
PLAYBOY: If that's irue—and leavin, 
the matter of his style—what can С 
do that other sports announcers can't? 
MEREDITH: І think Howard is the finest 
interviewer in America. That's when he's 
at his best, and he’s proved it with Ali, 
with Joc Namath and with ‘Tom Seaver 
during the last World Series. In terms of 
football broadcasts, 1 think he needs to be 
complemented by a Frank and a Don. 
He'll still be Howard, but he can be a 
better Howard if he has the right in- 
gredients to- play with. То me, Monday 
Night Football is like the presentation of 
a three-haracter play, and every one of 
us has to do well or else the whole thing 
will be out of sync. True, Howard spouts 
off and probably talks too much in trying 
to sum up too many things—bur he 
makes it easy to work in that booth, be- 
cause he's always going 1o say something 
totally outlandish Ша be fun to play 
olf. Howard also tries to answer questions 
that he's asked me or Frank, or he may 
try to comment when it’s Frank’s turn to 
talk. But that's part of the madness that 
goes on in the very short time that we 
have to talk about each play, 

What I see now that 1 didn't see my 
first time around is a more clearly defined 
role—if you'll excuse the word—that 
cach of us plays. I think Howard's inter- 
rogations and comments give the broad- 
cast its balance. Frank is a sensational 
play-by-play guy who's developed a 
unique style of combining play-by-play 
with color, and that's because he's done 
both. Frank is under the heaviest pressure 


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PLAYBOY 


72 


of all of us, because you're not going to 
notice a lot of what he does until he says 
something wrong. Howard and I have 
the flexibility of blufing, generalizing, 
philosophizing and being opinionated— 
and Frank doesn't have that luxury. 
Frank has to get everything right. I think 
he's worked very hard at the mechanics. 
of his job, and the reason he's so good 
is that he adds some of his own expertise 
its a player to the play-by-play. 
PLAYBOY: That leaves your role to be ex- 
plained, Cosell once said that you're 
worth your weight in irreverence, but do 
you ever feel under the gun to c 
come up with satire, song: 
whatever else strikes your fancy during 
а ball game? 
MEREDITH: I really don't know if I feel 
that presure or not. The only thing I 
know I feel is a respon ty to present 
whatever it is I'm saying as honestly as I 
сап. But your question ties into the reason 
I was hesitant about returning to Monday 
ight Football. 1 had a fear the 
image was bigger than the person—that 
Dandy Don was coming back and maybe 
he didn't have that much magic. 
PLAYBOY: Has Dandy Don become your 
alter ego, or is he just a character you trot 
out on Monday 
MEREDITH: I think 1 looked at it more as 
alter ego а few years ago, but T'i 


Ў Right, tl 
Dandy Don would have mu tell you 
I like Dandy Don more than I did a 
few years ago. I used to think he was some 
sort of buffoon, but now I don't. He's just 
опе of your basic, fun-loving guys who 
Kind of floats along. 

PLAYBOY: When did you first become 
aware of Dandy Don, Dandy Don? 
MEREDITH: In а way, he kind of got his 
start when I was maybe 12 years va and 


а! was lier name of 
it hc talked to and, not 


sec. He was just Harvey. He then became 
Harley, but later on, he got himself an 
older brother named Harvey. He also got 


Harley Smydlapp of Smydlapp, Smydlapp 
and Calhoun, which is a large fact-finding 
organizati 

PLAYBOY: Where are they located? In your 
head? 

MEREDITH: Oh, no, they're everywhere, 
and they're retained by the American pub- 
lic to find out what's going on. Harley, 
of course, is the president of Smydlapp, 
Smydlapp and Calhoun. Knowing Har- 
ley, I can tell you that the man's а natural 
in that he doesn’t really treat fact finding 
as a profession. He's somewhat spongelike 
and just absorbs. 


PLAYBOY: Did Dandy Don grow out of 
your acquaintance with Harley? 
MEREDITH: I suppose so, though I 
really be sure. То me, Dandy Don 
quarterback, That got started in college 
people would write about this qu 
terback, but I could separate the quarter- 
back and myself, °c w they really 
weren't the same. Playing quarterback was 
just one of the things that I could do. 
People called the quarterback Dandy Don 
the same way blacksmiths were once called 
ies. 

PLAYBOY: Did Dandy Don take football 
the rest of Texas scems to? 
MEREDITH: Football is taken seriously 
everywhere, not just in Texas, but you 
hear it said more about Te: because 
they have very good high school foothall 
down there. I grew up in Mt. Vernon, a 
small town of 1400 people, and for me, 
athletics, school and church—that's about 
I there w just a natural 
thing to play started out 
h good vibes about it. It was fun, it was 
healthy and I could do it, so 1 enjoyed it. 
1 liked basketball better and when I grad- 
uated from high school, 1 was All-State in 
both sports. 1 figured every college necded 


"I like Dandy Don more 


than I did a few years ago. 
I used to think he was some 
sort of buffoon, but now I 
don't. He's just one of your 
basic, fun-loving guys." 


a 63" pivot man who shot a lot. The 
more astute scouts who recruited me real- 
ized, 1 think, that I wouldn't be able to 
play center. The question was. could I 
shoot from the outside? 1 wasn't really 
that good, but everything's rel 
PLAYBOY: How many scholarship offers 
did you receive? 

MEREDITH: A whole bunch, and it got a 
Tittle crazy at times. Mt. Vernon is in 
northeast Texas, about 100 miles from 
Dallas and 85 miles from Texarkana, 
but a lot of coaches seemed to be passing. 
through town during my senior year. I 
wound up traveling a bit myself. Went to 
Oklahoma, Arkansas, Louisiana, other 
parts of Texas—I suppose I did get а lot 
of offers, or at least feelers. I also heard 
from schools outside the Southwest 
West Point, Colorado, Notre Dame a 
UCLA. But, to me, the decision 
whether Austin—the University of Tex- 
as—was too far from home. I knew it was 
s soon as I took my first plane ride, to 
isit Texas Tech in Lubbock. My mother 
went along and we flew in an old DC-3. 
The day we went to Lubbock, West Texas 


had its worst dust storm in 30 years and 
we were right in the middle of it. I got 
sicker than a dog and threw up: I didn't 
ake to airplanes right off. Never have, 
rcally. 

PLAYBOY: Did you get any outrageous 
offers? 

MEREDITH: The most extravagant one I 
got was from an alumnus of a college that 
didn't have a law school. I'd decided Га 
be a lawyer, and this one guy offered to 
put in writing his promise to personally 
send me to any law school in the country 
that I wanted to attend. That same guy 
offered me $1000 a month during the sum- 
mer, which was just a whole lot of money 
still a very placid time 
e was a lot of apple pie 
d flag waving and motherhood around, 
id recruiting was less outrageous than it 
I mostly got offered cars and 
jobs, plus one school offered to make my 
high school coach an assistant dorm di- 
rector. But it never got too far out of 
hand, because all along I had it pretty 
wel in mind that Fd go to Southern 
Methodist University. So I went to SMU 
and broke my ankle playing freshm: 
football and didn't get to play freshmai 
basketball. I still wanted to, though, and 
I went out for the team in my sophomore 
year. My illusion of playing bigtime bas- 
Ketball was thrown back into my face 
about as rapidly as my hook shot was. 
PLAYBOY: Did that upset you? 

MEREDITH: No, I really didn't care. I was 
happy doing what I was doing. 1 had a 
good year in football and I'd already fig- 
ured that was what I'd probably concen- 
just like playing sand-lot 
1 a really good time. Foot 
ball was fun at SMU. We'd make up pl: 
as fine with our 
in named Bill Meek, who 
now lives dt Lake I was defi- 
nitely а hot dog and I loved to hotdog 
around. We wound up using a spread 
formation and one of my favorite plays 
was real simple. I'd say, "OK, hike the 
ball and let's see who сап get open—you 
guys hold ‘cm if you want to.” 

more fun than the 
id of lootball? 

It was a totally different kind 
of fun. The fun part of any team sport 
is when you've got a lot of good р 
around you and you're part of а а 
concept of fine athletes doing what they 
do well and transmitting their enjoyment 
of that fact to one 
PLAYBOY: V 


the case when you 
were graduated from SMU and began 
playing for the Dallas Cowboys? 

MEREDITH: No, because the Cowboys were 
an expansion team about to start thei 
first year in the N.F.L. I was in for 
heck of a shock, because I was certain 
that playing for the Cowboys would be 
a kind of continuation of college, At 
SMU, I was president of the freshman 
class and dated the home-coming queen, 
and І was sure I'd also be president of 


the Cowboys’ freshman class. Well, it 
didn't work out that way. Tom Landry 
was a very remote, totally different kind 
of coach than I'd ever run into. And all 
of a sudden, he put me on the bench, and 
I didn't know what thai was. I'd never. 
sat on a bench in my life. 
Anyway, my first couple of y 
were very tough to take. We di 
a good team, plus I was on the bench. 
My personal life wasn't in good shape, 
either. I'd gotten married right out of 
college—married the campus queen—and 
in one year, we were divorced, remarried 
and divorced again. 
PLAYBOY: Arledge has said he believes 
that playing for the Cowboys “scarred” 
you. Do you agree with that? 
MEREDITH: No, it didn’t scar me_ Physical- 
ly, I have some scars to show for having 
played in Dallas but, considering my 
body, those scars would have showed up 
had I played anywhere else. The stories 
about my troubles with the Cowboys 
often had to do with the dash of two 
giant egos—mine and Landry's. I was 
bound and determined not to go along 
with all the regimentation of his system. 
The Cowboys have a reputation for being 
pro football's most computerized team, 
and they probably are. In retrospect, I 
probably was wrong in being as adamant 
as I was in fighting Landry's system. If I 
were doing it again, I'd try to be more 
aware of his approach in structuring the 
game. I did follow a lot of the rules and 
worked within that system because it hap- 
pens to be a good system. But there was 
a lot of it that I didn't like and did my 
best to flat-out resist. 
PLAYBOY: What kinds of things did you 
resist? 
MEREDITH: Just about everything, from cur- 
fews to the fine system. I felt that we 
should've had a more relaxed atmosphere, 
which I still believe is more conducive 
to bringing out the best in the individual. 
1 think there's been a great change in 
the game and that it’s become more and 
more regimented. Coaches have elimin: 
ed the margin of error and the play is 
more sophisticated—which tends to erode 
the ability of the athlete to blend in and 
adapt to different situations. The biggest 
argument I had with Landry had to do 
with who called the offensive plays. When 
Eddie Le Baron left and I replaced him, 
Landry wanted to call all the plays, as he 
docs now. I think he knew me enough to 
know that wouldn't work out very well, 
and since I was all he had, he made some 
allowances that he probably wouldn't 
make now. 
PLAYBOY: What kind of allowances did 
you have to make? 
MEREDITH: Well, "Tom was the coach, so 
I'm not sure that I had any allowances to 
make. Landry is single-minded in his pur- 
posez his purpose is to win football games 
and he approaches it in a very analyti- 
cal way. I don't think there's an exea 
tive in any of the top ten corporations 


in the U.S. who spends the number 
of hours that man docs in running his 
business. He is very prepared. In a real 
I've always had great admiration for 
him. Incidentally, he has a lovely wite; 
she's bright, sharp and cute, and they 
seem to be really happy. 1 just can't be- 
lieve anybody as neat and sweet as she is 
would put up for so many years with some- 
one who seems so totally cold. "Tom's really 
not a bad guy, and I'm sure that he's got 
his own Harvey or Harley or Dandy Don. 
PLAYBOY: Have Landry's coaching meth- 
ods changed since you met him? 

MEREDITH: I think the only thing that’s 
changed is that the Cowboys have learned 
to execute his system a lot better. Landry 
took his concept him and ut 
it from the time he arrived in Dallas. One 
of the key elements for any team, wheth- 
er you're computerized or not, is having 
the right players to plug into those posi- 
tions, and Tom didn't have а lot of top 
material to work with at the beginning. 
He brought in a sophisticated version of 
the option play, we used a man in mo- 
ti hifted—we did a lot of things. 


p we 


“Tom Landry hasu lovely 


wife. I just can't believe 
anybody as neat and sweet 
as she is would put up for so 
many years with someone 
who seems so totally cold. 
Tom’s really nota bad guy.” 


But since all the teams basically know 
what the other teams will be doing, it 
still boils down to a question of who has 
the best horses out there. Anyway, it was 
а much different approach and an abrupt 
change from what I'A known, but I guess 
that happens one way or another to every- 
one who gets out of college. You think 
you're going to go out and conquer the 
world—and you find you have some reck- 
oning to do. As 1 said, I really couldn't 
understand why I wasn't playing, but it 
wasn't that big of a deal. I really did 
figure that I'd eventually get in there. 
PLAYBOY: How long was it before you 
were playing regularly? 

MEREDITH: My third year. By then, we'd 
started to get some good players. Bobby 
Hayes came in in '65 and Ralph Necly 
about the sime time. We were beginning 
to get guys who could catch and ran and 
block and tackle; it's remarkable how 
uch more fu Ш can be-when you 
have good players on your team. Mean- 
while, I was always getting hurt. Broken 
kle, nose, ribs, thumbs, shoulder sepa- 
rations—it was always something. In '66, 
though, I stayed healthy almost the entire 


season, and after six years with it, I finally 
had confidence im Landrys system. But 
I insisted on calling my own plays. Td just 
say, "Tom, I don't want to talk to you— 
just slip your game plan under the door.” 
‘That really shocked him, but I was able 
to pick what I wanted from game 
plans and we had a great year. We fin- 
ished the season playing Green Bay, with 
the winner to go on to the first Super 
Bowl. They beat us, but that '66 cham- 
pionship game was one of the most en- 
joyable games I ever had as a pro. It 
was an exceptional experience for me. 
PLAYBOY: Even though you lost? 
MEREDITH: Losing didn't bother us. We 
were kind of like young stallions, with 
most of the guys 25 or 26, and nobody 
was supposed to beat Green Bay that 
year. We had a great game plan, we were 
ready and it wasn't going to make any 
difference if we didn't beat ‘em. It was а 
heck of a game. We kicked off to the 
Packers and they scored, and then they 
kicked off to us and we fumbled and 
Green Bay went in for another touch- 
down and the score was 14-0—and me 
id the guys on the offensive team were 
on the side lines, waiting to take 
the field. We caught up to them and tied 
the score, then they went ahead again 
21-20, and then 34-27, and we got down 
to the two-yard line and didn't make it 
and that was it. We weren't expected to 
even come close to beating the Packers, 
and suddenly people started saying, “Hey, 
those guys are really good.” We were 
good, all right, but we weren’t that good. 
The next year, we were that good. We 
had a much better team in '67 and should 
easily have beaten the Packers in that 
subzero championship game. 
PLAYBOY: Is there апу particular reason 
you didn't? 
MEREDITH: If this is а cop-out, it's a cop- 
ш: I really believe the frozen field hurt 
us more than it did Green Bay. 
both teams had to play on the same field. 
1 would love to have played the Packers 
in the rain, in a windstorm, in the desert — 
anywhere we could've gotten some kind 
of footing. But the Packers’ field was to- 
tally frozen—and on offense, we were a 
speed team. We had wide splits in the 
line, we ran a lot of trap. plays and our 
E game concentrated on deep pat- 
and quick-cutting routes designed to 
spread their defenses. We couldn’t do any 
of that on a frozen field. 
PLAYBOY: You retired after the following 
season at an age—29—when most quar- 
terbacks are just hitting the peak of their 
careers. Did you ever have second thoughts 
about that decision? 
MEREDITH: Yes, I did. After the first year 
of Monday Night Football, I felt I 
different perspective on playing, partic 
larly for the Cowboys. Playing for Dallas 
had become a hassle, but having been 
away from it for a while, I thought I'd be 
able to go back and deal with it better. I 
felt that maybe I'd gotten a little too close 


73 


PLAYBOY 


74 


to the forest to see the trees. But that was 
the only time I ever considered going 
back. My first year out, I didn't суеп 
ing and I watched very 


PLAYBOY: Is that unusual for players who 
quit the N.F.L.2 

MEREDITH: It probably is, because there're 
a lot of things you can miss when you 
retire. Any sport, really, is a terrific out- 
let of expresion, and whether you're 
running, jumping, throwing, kicking, hit- 
ting—whatever—it's there. I found 
almost sensuous pleasure in football, in 
the sense that you experience it with your 
body. My nose was broken 14 times on 
various football fields, and I can't tell 
you that I loved getting my nose broken, 
but it’s really something to experience 
that kind of shock, to have the shock less- 
en and to then go beyond it. I remember 
feeling the warmth of the blood running 
out of my nose after it had been broken, 
and І know this sounds weird, but physi: 
cally, there's pleasure in being able to 
extend yourself, in knowing you can take 
yourself a step further, I suppose that’s 
tied to a physical macho identificition we 
get programed with very carly in life. 
We're seeing а softening of it now, but 
long time, sport was one way of 
ing what it means to be a man. And 
football, 1 think, represented a kind of 
hard-core masculinity that baseball and 
basketball didn't. 

Football also has, like every other sport, 
the immediacy of result. You can see 
things happen, you know what the re- 
quirements are and one of the biggest 
thrills of playing is the feeling of accom- 
plishment it gives you. I mean, it feels 
good. And what frequently happens is 
that professional athletes miss those 
thrills so much they try to recapture them 
ihe rest of their lives. They become real 
bores in reliving all those moments, which 
usually become more glorious and more 
dramatic than they ever were. Guys like 
at meet with a great deal of frustra- 
е they'll try to duplicate some- 
can't be duplicated for several 
the most obvious of which is 


PLAYBOY: Were you able to avoid that 
frustration? 
MEREDITH: It rcally wasn't tough on me 
at all. The rcason I left with two ycars 
to go on my contract was that I could tell 
myself, I don't want to do this anymore. 
There are other extensions that I care to 
challenge in my life and my personality. 
But it would've been a terrible shame if 
I hadn't been able to extend myself in 
sports. I really loved. playing football; my. 
sin the game and I'm delighted 
ed it for 24 years. I know what it 
e and I don't feel I have to do 


feels 1 
it again. 

I've also been lucky in that I've found 
other interests that give me pleasure. 
They may not seem like adequate substi- 
tutes to some people, but they are to me. 


I've started to paint. I'm interested in 
writing and IH be doing screenp! 
soon. I'm very interested in acting and I'll 
be in a couple of ABC-TV films this year. 
On several counts, I think these things 
have helped me avoid the identity prob- 
lem a lot of ex-athletes have: A player 
will have been on the front pages for 
several years, and then one autumn it all 
stops. He'll probably be doing a job 
that’s not nearly as visible, and if you 
need the same kind of gratification from a 
job that you got from football, you're in 
fora tough time. 

PLAYBOY: If anything. your work with 
ABC has made you far more visible than. 
you ever were as a player. If your tele- 
phone call to Gifford hadn't worked out 
the way it did, do you think you'd have 
escaped the problems you've just de- 
scribed? 

MEREDITH: I don't know, but I don't 
wory it, because it didn't happen 
like th; m sure life would be different 
for me right now if Frank hadn't come 
through for me, but I also know that 


"I remember the warmth 
of the blood running out of 
ту nose after it had been 
broken, and I know this 
sounds weird, but physically, 
there's pleasure in being 
able to extend yourself." 


whenever something didn't fecl right in 
my life, I changed it. I like change. I like 
trying different things. By doing that, I've 
found I can eliminate those I don't want 
to do anymore and identify those I 
want to go back to. I've dimbed a moun- 
tain in Colorado; I don't want to climb. 
any more mountains. My wife, Susan, and 
I got tired of living in so we bought 
a 22acre farm in Pennsylvania. For the 
better part of the past four years, we ex- 
nced life on that farm and we loved 
d so did my son, Michael. We still 
own it, and whenever I’m there and walk- 
ing around in the fields, I'll think, Isn't 
life beautiful, isn't life gay, isn't this a 
perlect way to pass the time of day? And 
now I'm living in Los Angeles and en- 
j ig our life here. 1 think that's the 
njoy where you are. 

Since І really do live like that, it tends 
to cause a schizoid sort of pattern, in that 
I flit here and I flit there, which can be 
interpreted as restlessness. We always 
want to put labels on things, so call me 
restless. Call me а cab—I don't care what 
I'm called. as long as I'm comfortable 
with what I'm doing. I have my ups and 


downs, and at times my enthusiasm is 
greater Шап at other times, but 1 don't 
look for the real high peaks or the low 
valleys. Neither am I looking for the con- 
stant hummmmmmmm that life can be- 
come when its totally predictable and 
regimented. I like to stay on the up side 
of that hummmmmmmm. 

PLAYBOY: That shouldn't be a problem, 
considering how easy it's been for you to 
go from a successful football career to a 
successful broadcasting career. Do you ever 
wonder if perhaps things have come too 
easily for you? 

MEREDITH: I think one of my biggest prob- 
lems is that 1 often have felt that way 
and haven't gi myself credit for mak- 
ing things happen. None of the things 
I've done have happened just because I 
was standing in the right. place, but that's 
what you wind up with when you have 
a background of good, solid East Texas 
Protestantism. You're brought up to be 
extremely humble and to kind of walk 
around saying, “Gosh, everybody else 
did it," and, “Ссе, it was nothing at all. 


lt carries over and you have tendencics 
that you do. 
it doesn't 


to downplay whatever it 
But when things look cas 
necessarily follow that they а 
person 
problems. I owed money all my life. Most 
people look at professional athletes and 
say, “Му God, look at all the money they 
make.” When I started out in pro foot 
ball, I signed for $150,000—a five-year 
contract, $30,000 a year, and, at that time, 
that was big money for a player. Well, 
take almost $15,000 off the top for Uncle 
Sam, get divorced after a year and sce 
what's left over. My point is, I've had all 
those wonderful experiences that seem to 
put hooks in a lot of us and hold us back. 
Гуе felt them, didn't like the feeling and 
have dealt with them. We've always got a 
choice, and if we don't make one, noth- 
g happens, nothing changes. 

PLAYBOY: If change is the one constant 
in your life, what kind of commitment 
do you have to your work? 

MEREDITH: My commitment is to do 
well as I can at it. But Тап not co 
sumed by it, I don't b 
12 months a year. Ba 
ment is to my life and what I'm do 
with it—and doing TV football 
only one p: Acting is another: 
Гуе done а ad Г find out 
pretty soon how much more 1 really want 
to do. But the core of my life, the stabiliz- 
ing part of it, is my relationship 
Susan, and I can take that with me wher- 
ever we go. We're together almost 24 
every day, and we like to 
^ travel to Cities the 
country and we like to go to different 
countries and experience different. cul- 
tures. But. people want you to put a tag 
on you. It’s like they're still asking me. 
“What are you gonna be when you grow 
up, litte boy?” In a way, you just asked 
me the same thing: “Where you goin’, 


boy?" What am I going to do when I grow 
up? Hey, I don't want to grow up. What is 
it that people want that little boy to do 
when he grows up? Why do I have to 
have a goal? Why do I have to have a 
championship? Man, I don’t have to have 
any of that stuff. And I don’t. 1 just want 
to live the way I want to live. And right 
now, I have that. Do I have any goals? 
Yes, I do, but they're not carcer goals. 
PLAYBOY: What kind of goals are thcy? 
MEREDITH: They're fantasics. One fantasy 
is to learn how to sail and get a boat big 
enough to literally sail around the world 
in. That would be an oulstanding experi- 
ence. I don’t have a desire to do it as an 
accomplishment; I want to do it just be- 
cause it would be immensely enjoyable 
and I'd like to share it with people I care 
about. I care about Susan. I care about 
Michael. And I think I will do it. And 
on that particular trip, I'd love to keep 
some sort of reflective diary. Really, the 
idca of sailing into a lagoon, dropping 
anchor and saying, "Let's stay here for a 
month” is extremely exciting to me. 
Think of the pleasure we could have in 
planning and pulling that sort of thing 
off. To do it, the number-one qualifica- 
tion you need is flexibility, 

PLAYBOY: Since you've already said you 
might tire of Monday Night Football, act- 
ing and other media trips, do you have 
any occupational fantasies to fall back on? 
MEREDITH: Sure do. Gifford and Y have a 
running thing about owning a small res- 
taurant and bar in Algiers, with beads 
hanging down from the doorway and big 
ceiling fans. Frank's going to be the 
maitre de, I'll be the bartender and Su- 
san will run the cash register. Н Frank 
can't make it, I might do it myself. One 
of the things I love about traveling is ex- 
periencing the foods of other countries. 
My kind of restaurant would therefore 
close down at least three months а year, 
so that Susan and I could experience dif- 
ferent cuisines around the world and if 
we found things we liked and could pre- 
pare, we'd incorporate them on our 
menu. I'd also like to have a nursery and 
flower shop at the same place. 

I can daydream myself into that sort of 
existence very easily. I do think about 
having that kind of restaurant, and if not 
in Algiers, maybe somewhere along the 
coast of California. Yd want my house set 
back on a hill overlooking the Pacific 
Ocean. But I wouldn't want to depend on 
the restaurant to earn a living. That's a 
hard way to make money and I'd like the 
thing to be fun all the way. I'm sure there's 
a lot of hassle involved that I don't see, but 
I choose not to look at it. Thank God I 
have Susan for the practical side of things. 
She can deal with that crap. I mean, who 
are we talking about? I'm America's guest. 


A 


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75 


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Simple to drive,simple to park, simple to understand, 
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‘Today we offer three simple cars. The Honda Civic 1200; 
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Consider for a moment how simplicity can 
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There is, of course, another reason why we make simple 
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* Civic 1200 not available in California and high altitude areas. Ci VCC} n Sivic 1200 are Honda trademarks. 


cheers wildly. Vasily Alexeyev, already 

acclaimed as the world’s strongest man and 
assured of his second Olympic weight-lifting gold 
medal in the superheavy division, is about to attempt 
a world record in the clean and jerk. 

New weights are added to the metal bar bell that 
rests on the floor and is the focal point of the weight- 
lifting competition, raising the total weight to 255 
kilograms, or a staggering 562 pounds. But Vasily 
Alexeyev, his 345-pound frame bulging inside his red 
weight-lifting suit, remains unperturbed, staring in- 
tently at the bar. I can do it, he is saying to himself; 
I will do it. 

Alexeyev approaches the bar slowly, closes his eyes 
momentarily, grips the bar and then lets out a giant 
sigh and hoists it to his shoulders, then above his 
head, staggering backward slightly, his hulbous belly 
quivering, his teeth locked in fierce determination. 
Now gaining control, Alexeyev's body tightens in the 
triumphant motionless position. He releases the bar 
and it crashes to the floor, but the reverberation is 
lost in the stomps and screams of an enthralled au- 
dience. Bravo! Hail to the champion! 


ESTRIDES imperiously onto the stage and the 
1 crowd at the Olympic hall in Montreal 


б 

But where was Vasily Alexeyev the day he was 
ordered to appear for his precompetition medical test 
before the International Olympic Committee in Mont- 
real? Was he, as his trainer explained to officials, 
out of the city, and thus unavailable that day to be 
tested for anabolic steroids and other banned drugs? - 
Or was he, as most rival competitors and some 
officials suspect, anticipating the drug test and having 
his system flushed of traces of body-building hor 
mones by a special diuretic? 

For a number of reasons, these questions probably 
will never be resolved. Alexeyev won the gold medal 
and passed his medical tests, before and after the 
competition; no athlete or official from the Soviet 
Union with an ounce of sanity would risk a trip to 
Siberia by disclosing Alexeyev's pre-Olympic prepara: 
tions, and the International Weightlifting Fed- 
eration, already embarrassed by the gold-medal 
disqualifications of a Bulgarian and a Pole, could 
hardly afford the shattering specter of its most famil- 
iar commodity becoming a symbol of medical science 
rather than of pure sports. 

But to George Frenn, a United States Olympic ham- 
mer thrower who has watched Vasily Alexeyev, 
knows the drug culture in sports from amphetamines 
to Xylocaine and has culled scientific secrets from 
‘friends inside the iron curtain, all of the signs that 
day in Montreal were positive. 

"Alexeyev's face was so blown out of proportion it 
looked like it was going to explode out of his skin,” 
Frenn explained. “That's usually a sign of heavy drugs, 
especially steroids. And he had these little cholesterol 
globules that collect under the eyeball from too large 
a dosage of steroids. You can't tell me that he was 
missing for three days in Montreal because he was 
busy competing. I believe nobody could find him 
because the Russians needed time to clean out his 
system.” 4 

What troubles Frenn із not that а Russian won ап 
Olympic gold medal over an American. To Frenn 
and other concerned athletes and medical authorities, 
the drug kene in sports is no longer a simple smoke 
screen to improve performances but a raging forest 
fire that officials neither understand nor have the 


ILLUSTRATION BY ED PASCHKE 


WIRED TO THE TEETH 


sports By NEIL AMDUR uppers, downers, coke and steroids—in the race for amateur 
and professional gold, today's athletes have turned their locker rooms into pharmacies 


PLAYBOY 


80 


tools to control. And one day, Frenn 

fears, the timber will begin falling: A 

world-class shot-putter will keel over 

the Olympic stadium or ап offensive 

lineman will collapse during a Super 

Bowl game from being "overamped.' 
P 


It could have happened to Jim Neid 
hart. Neidhart is a 22-year-old shot-putter 
from Long Beach, California, who 
thought that amphetamines and steroids 
would instantly tack on inches and fect to 
his throwing distance. It began innocently 
enough for Neidhart as far back as high 
school, where teammates would pop two- 
milligram “white crosses, 
of the symbol on the pill, before a game 
ora track mect. 

As the country's top high school shot- 
putter in 1973, Neidhart hardly needed 
medical reassurance; he was consistently 
putting the shot from 60 to 65 feet. But 
ter enrolling at UCLA, he admittedly 
began “abusing himself," and it finally 
came ap з during 
the 1976 P: rence cham- 
pionship in Berkeley. He finished second 
in the shorput that day, an event he 
expected to win, and already had 120 
milligrams of Obetrol 20, a high-powered 
amphetamine, in his system (“enough to 
raise a building,” says Frenn). To that he 
added tranquilizers and a few martinis. 

The ‘potent mixture helped send him 
on а rampage at the Marina Mariott 
Inn, Light fixtures were torn down in 
rooms, fire extinguishers pulled off walls, 
doors kicked in. The uncontrollable 320- 
pounder then tied four bed sheets to- 
gether, hopped ой а fourth-floor b 
with a fire extinguisher on his back 
crashed into a first-floor room. 

The display resulted in 
rassing $5500 bill for UCLA and dis- 
ciplinary action for Neidhart, who 
subsequently transferred to State 
University at Long Beach. Fortunately, 


he is alive to recall what he terms “the 
low point of my life, 


and the thoughts 
n disturbingly fresh 


of that night rem 
in his mind. 

“This is what we've got to stop,” Neid- 
hart says today, willing to discuss his 
ordeal as a guide for other misdirected 
athlete: might have croaked that day, 
O.D.d. But there's no valid counseling 
around today on drugs, except for some- 
опе like George. Doctors don't know 
what they're talking about and won't tell 
you the truth. The drug companies try to 
pretend nothing is happening and the 
athletes in this country are confused.” 

P 
The Physician's Desk Reference is an 
tegral part of every doctor's office. It is 
supposed to contain everything he needs 
to know about today's drugs, their dan- 


gers potency and implementation. But 
does i? For example, Dianabol is an 
anabolic steroid that Doug Young, a 
world power-lifting champion, calls “the 


king of the road" for building muscle 
tissue and improving 


ance. Dianabol comes 
can be used, according to the P.D.R 
adjunctive therapy in senile and post- 
menopausal osteoporosis.” The only men- 
tion of Dianabol's relationship to sports 
in the P.D.R. is the following warning, 
added within the past few years: "Ana- 
bolic steroids do not enhance athletic 
ability.” Similar warnings have been at- 
tached to other steroids. 

Dr. Irving Dardik, a vascular surgeon 
from Tenafly, New Jersey, is chairman of 
the newly formed United States Olympic 
Sports Medicine Committee. Dr, Dardik 
phoned medical personnel at CIBA, 
which makes Dianabol, to inquire about 
the warning reference, He was told that 
it had been included more because they 
had so many inquiries from athletes than 
because of any pure scientific data on the 
relationship of steroids to athletic success. 

Most medical authorities in the United 
States, induding Dr. John Anderson, 
head of the U.S. Olympic medical team 
at the 1976 Montreal Olympics, try to 
downgrade the muscle-building, perform- 
ance hype of steroids. Dardik wants more 
information on both sides and plans ex- 
tensive testing. 

“Many athletes have told me that ster- 
oids very likely do have a positive effect 
on them,” Dardik says. “Is that positive 
effect because they are training and thus 
motivated, or docs it really put on а lot 
of bulk and thereby make them stronger? 
That's what we've got to find out. I've yet 
to meet an Olympic or world-class weight 
lifter who hasn't felt it has been beneficial 
to his performance. Athletes would like 
not to take steroids. They don’t feel good 
or right about it, but they're afraid not 
to, because they're concerned about what 
the next athlete might be doi 

б 

Drugs used by athletes generally are 
designed to stimulate performance or 
restore skill to what would be considered 
normal At the top of the list in terms 
of instant kicks are amphetamines. Most 
are banned by the international sports 
federations and many have been ordered 
off the market by the Food and Drug 
Administration. But that does not stop 
the athletes from finding them. Ampheta- 
mines have been associated with almost 
every sport, from auto racing to wres- 
tling. They suppress hunger (enticing to 
hockey players, boxers, jockeys, wrestlers), 
speed up the breathing and heart rates 
and stimulate the brain. 

Some amphetamines ar 


8 


more pow‘ 


than others. Five milligrams of meth- 
amphetamine hydrochloride, a white pi 
sold under the trade name Desoxyn and 
popularly known as speed, сап increase 
the heart rate, alleviate fatigue, provide 
a strength turn-on and, according to 
some athletes, even give off a brief hal- 
lucinogenic quality. Most important to 
the athlete, it can create a sense of confi- 
dence and improved concentration й 
times of self-doubt. For the discus thrower 
or weight lifter who wonders whether or 
not he can get it all together, the pill 
becomes a competitive crutch. For the 
basketball. player, it might be what keeps 
him moving on the fast break, when tired 
legs tell hi i 
player, there is that physical feeli 
being on top of the world. But speed can 
also get away from you. 

One pro-basketball player reportedly 
was so freaked out and uncontrollable 
from an overdose of speed during a game 
n the 1976 N.B.A. play-off series һе 
tween the Philadelphia 76ers and the 
Houston Rockets that his coach continu- 
ally counseled him during time-outs. 

Some athletes prefer speed, the same 
kick that was designed to assist fighter 
pilots during World War Two, to other 
amphetamine: 

“Methedrine is cleaner and gives a 
purer high,” says one pro-football playe 
“Your concentration is much better th 
with Benzedrine or Dexedrine. 

But speed has its share of problems. 
Although none will admit it publicly. 
wives of some pro-football players h: 
been abused, verbally and physical 
result of their husbands’ gameday highs. 
They are powerless to stop their mates 
from popping pills, because they realize 
that jobs may ride on how well these 
men perform. 

Some of the wives of Philadelphia 
Dallas players say ‘the coaches don't like 
them to be around their husbands the 
night before a game. But there are a lot 
of wives who don't want to be around 
their husbands the might after their 
games. They're not sure how their hus 
bands will react, especially if they're still 
high from taking pills earlier in the da: 

"The Biphetamine 20, another popular 
amphetamine capsule, is known as Black 
Beauty because of its color. An 18-hour 
h 


kicker, it found initial popularity wi 
truck drivers trying to combat fatigu 
and now shows up in the bags of cross- 
country cydists and skiers. Many pro 
football players who feel uncertain about 
the instant takeoff from speed use Black 
Beauties. They pop them early on game 
day and sense a gradual buildup of 
strength and power that 


will su 


“We ате all reincarnated in this galaxy, Princess. 
In my previous life I was a Chevy Corvette!” 


PLAYBOY 


82 


itself throughout. the afternoon combat. 

The most frequent amphetamine abus- 
ers in pro football, according to sources 
around the National Football League, are 
the offensive and: defensive linemen, who 
feel a specific need to play with "some- 
thing extra” in the one-on-one warlare 
that takes place in the trenches. “If you 
want to play first string here, you have 
to take amphetamines,” one of the Bui 
Bills’ linemen said. 

The N.F.L. has intensified its suryeil- 
lance of team physicians and trainers 
and fined the San Diego Chargers $40,000 
as a result of a 1973 drug investigation. 
There followed a major shake-up in per- 
sonnel and management, along with pri- 
vate bitching from San Diego players that 
the team was being used as a scapegoat by 
the league to cover the ills of other clubs 
with similar abuses. 

Tighter screening of drug supplies by 
leagues and sports federations has forced 
many athletes to move from the locker 
room to the streets to replenish supplies. 
It is risky business, according to those in 
the know. 

“Anyone who buys minibennies or 
white crosses on the street is looking for 
trouble,” says Frenn, who is continually 
besieged by athletes searching for the 
latest information on new drugs and their 
sources. “The stuff is not clean, it’s made 
in some of those small factories, and it’s 
the quickest way to wind up getting sick.” 

The minibennies lack the potency of 
speed or some of the high-powered am- 
phetamines such as Obetrol 20 and 
phetamine 20. Most are chunks of 
Benzedrine made into pills. The white 
crosses usually contain Dexedrine. 

Besides the difference in potency, the 
price of amphetamines varies widely. 
Street. pills are the cheapest—a dollar a 
roll—because of their availability, The 
wholesale price for 100 Desoxyn, which 
must be obtained with a prescription, is 
$12.10; the retail price could be double 
that figure. 

Medical researchers feel that the nega- 
tive effects of amphetamines far outweigh 
their usefulness. Besides the behavioral 
inconsistencies they can cause, frequent 
use and addiction can result in medical 
complications ranging from cerebral hem- 
orrhage to nutritional problems. There is 
also a tendency among jocks to figure 
that if you feel good with one, you will 
feel great with two. And coming down 
from a large dose of stimulants often 
leads to the use of tranquilizers, wapping 
an athlete into a never-ending cycle. 

One nationally ranked power lifter 
in pursuit of a world record took an 
injection of Adrenalin and three amphet- 
amines 20 minutes before а competition 
several years ago. Although claiming he 
never felt stronger, he passed out during 


the lift and only emergency chest massage 
and oxygen kept him alive. 

Amphetamines are not the only drug 
in the athlete's bag. Cocaine has become 
the current big hit. Part of the joy in 
snorting coke before a competition is its 
“smoother ride,” like going in a Lincoln 
Continental as opposed to a Gremlin. A 
heightened sense of awareness and the 
absence of pain are other big pluses. 

Some baseball players who got their 
first kicks from chewing tobacco believe 
cocaine helps them “see through pitches,” 
sharpens concentration and makes them 
more perceptive hitters. Those pitchers 
who occasionally snort coke on game days 
say it keeps their arms from tightening 
up and delays pain and soreness. But 
cocaine is much more expensive than 
other stimulants, so only the high-priced 
pros can afford it. 

On the other end of the spectrum, the 
high-energy athlete who is given to nerves 
or hyperactivity before а match may 
smoke grass as a form of mental prepara- 
tion. Some tennis players say marijuana 
puts them in a cozy comfort zone before 
a match. Gone is the anxiety. The deli- 
cate frame of mind t often comes 
apart in a match crisis seems more stable 
after a joint. And because of its tendency 
to relax them and make them serene, 
many athletes use marijuana to unwind 
after an event. 

Athletes involved in individual sports 
seem to feel a stronger desire to solve 
insecurities through drugs than do those 
in team sports. Their rationale is per- 
sonal: I'm doing it for myself, it won't 
hurt the team, it's my decision. 

Also, grass no longer carries the socia 
stigma and penalties attached to cocaine 
and speed. Some members of one major 
league team have been known to relax 
during a game by rolling joints in the 
dubhouse and then turning on a giant 
fan in a private men's room to remove 
any lingering odors. 

Marijuana can be smoked in a car, 
before a competition, at a party and 
around teammates without incurring the 
same disapproval as amphetamines or 
cocaine. It also is tolerated by most league 
security personnel and law-enforcement 
agencies, 

Sometimes, however, the drug schemes 
of athletes backfire in embarrassing ways. 
There was the case several years ago of 
a Greek soccer player bearing gifts in the 
form of pills for his teammates to help 
them in their championship game against 
a Jocal rival. Instead of handing out the 
usual uppers, however, he mistakenly 
passed out tranquilizers. His teammates 
almost passed out, lost the match and he 
wound up being sued by the president 
of the club for doping. 


"The use of sedatives, barbiturates, tran- 
quilizers and muscle relaxers is less secre- 
tive but can be equally dangerous. To 
the public, these drugs lack the negative 
connotations of amphetamines, because 
they're thought to produce softer, less 
aggressive tendencies, 

Golf is a sport in which the athlete 
often battles his own mental condition. A 
golfer who is too nervous or overanxious 
is more apt to muff a two-foot putt on 
the 18th hole than one who is overcon- 
fident. The difficulty of learning to un- 
wind has sent many golfers in. pursuit of 
Zen, TM and tranquilizers. They are not 
looking to stimulate their performance 
on the fairways as much as to relax their 
playing style. 

There are also less esoteric uses of 
these drugs. Professional basketball play- 
ers travel more extensively since the 
merger of the two leagues. The frantic 
ight stands make for intense highs 
and lows, often resolved only by speed 
and sleeping pills. Tom Meschery, the 
poet laureate of pro basketball, once 
offered this observation of the basketball 
drug scene in a poem titled The Pill, 
from his highly acclaimed book of poetry, 
Over the Rim: 


There's a little 

bag of tricks 

And in that 

little bag of tricks 

isa little yellow 

bottle 

There are red ones 
and blue ones 

and multicolored ones. 


one: 


Painkillers such as Percodan, Demerol 
and Novocaine have achieved almost 
heroic proportions in the minds of the 
public. An athlete receiving a pain-killing 
injection from a team physician during a 
football game is considered courageous 
because the relationship between sports 
and pain is tied to notions about the 
price one pays for success. “Shooting” 
an athlete provides no stimulus. But the 
injection will anesthetize an injured area 
and allow the athlete to continue un- 
inhibited by the pain. 

Physicians and coaches justify the use 
of painkillers and muscle relaxers on the 
grounds that no long-term health hazard 
is at stake. But gimpy-kneed athletes do 
not agree and the threat of losing a 
competition or their spot to another 
player forces them to accept the shot, 
like it or not. 

The latest to find a home alongside 
bee pollen, vitamins and other magic 
potions among athletes is Quzalude, a 
hypnotic drug originally meant for use 
in sleeping pills but now classified as a 

(continued on page 202) 


Above: The following, 
acomposite of re- 

ports on file with the 

U. S. Air Force, tells 

of a young man's se- 

duction by a female 
extraterrestrial. He is 

driving across an 

Arizona mesa one 

night when a saucer 

lands and two aliens 

take him aboard. 

They make him lie on 

what looks like a 

| glowing air mattress, 
then bring in a fe- 

| male humanoid and 
leave her with him. 


there are the usual boy-meets-girl liaisons—and then there 
are those boy-meets-what pickups that are out of this world 


CLOSE ENCOUNTERS 
OF THE FOURTH KIND 


WHAT SEXUAL FRONTIER remains to be explored by the sexually sophis- 
ticated man of our civilization? OK, so you've been in a bathtub with 
three women, four gallons of guacamole dip, an ounce of cocaine and 
a bisexual ostrich. No big deal. Perhaps your sensibilities are so jaded 
that you've considered celibacy for your next big thrill. But wait! You 
haven't done it all until you've experienced extraterrestrial screwing. 
Come off it, you say? You've known some way-out ladies, but they 
all had birth certificates from old Mother Earth, and even if there were 


DESIGNED BY KERIG POPE/PHOTOGRAPHY BY BILL ARSENAULT 


Left: The fernale has 
the same basic 
equipment as a hu- 
man woman but also 
some characteris- 
tics that differ. Her 
face seems "'unfin- 
ished,” with a vague- 
ly defined nose, 
boneless cheeks 

and a slit for a mouth. 
Her skin is smooth, 
with no trace of hair. 
Somehow (probably 
through telepathic 
hypnosis), she 
overpowers and 
undresses him. 


The alien "woman" tries, with 

no success, to arouse him 
sufficiently for intercourse. The 
unfamiliar surroundings and her 
unattractiveness have made 

it impossible for him to think of 
anything but escaping. 

And while her sexual technique is 
superb, he is frightened by 

her cold, clinical approach. 


females from other dimensions or plan- 
ets or whatever, why would they want to 
make it with you? 

Well, they probably wouldn'L But 
we'll explain that later. For the moment, 
we simply ask you to keep an open mind 
about what you're going to see and read. 
Let your imagination run wild. Think 
about the kinds of sex you could have 
with a woman whose capacity to arouse 
you so far exceeds that of a human- 
type woman that there is really no com- 
parison. Sure, you say, what does she do, 
give great proboscis? 

Don't jump to conclusions, O ye of 
primitive mind and disgusting body hair. 
There is more here than meets the eye. 


И we could draw any conclusions about 
the mentality of extraterrestrial beings 
from the numerous reports of human 
contact with them, one would be that 
an interest in sex doesn't diminish when 
the size of the cranium increases. A 
high percentage of those people who 
have reported being taken aboard UFOs 
have told of being experimented on sex- 
ually. These experiments have ranged 
from the insertion of a long thin needle 
into a woman's ovaries to outright rape of 
both male and female humans by those 
supposedly advanced beings. In fact, some 
UFO researchers, both professional and 
amateur, have confided that they believe 
there is no instance in which a human 
has boarded an alien craft without being 
experimented on sexually in some way. 
One UFOlogist has gone as far as to say, 
"This is one of the most hushed-up 
aspects of the whole UFO issue. Most 
of us think that they are trying to 
effect some sort of cross-fertilization be- 
tween our race and theirs, or perhaps grow 
their own humans from seed for experi- 
mentation, as one might with one-celled 
organisms or bacteria in the laboratory.” 


Clockwise from above: The female 


alien squeezes jelly from along tube 
onto his chest. Then she passes 

her hand over his eyes and seems 
to change into a beautiful woman. 


On the other hand (and this will be 
loathsome to those who always impart 
noble scientific intentions to those tele- 
pathic aliens who go around stopping cars, 
burning circles of grass and kidnaping 
people), they may just be horny. After all, 
the ancient Greeks and Romans allowed 
that their gods could hanker for some 
temporal flesh now and then. If gods deign, 
for whatever cosmic purpose, to consort 
with earthlings, why shouldn't alien space 
travelers yearn for a little action? It's a 
long ride from the nearest star—like may- 
be 25 trillion years—and if a sheepherder 
can develop lust for his sheep after only 
five months on the prairie, you can well 
imagine what kind of horniness 25 tril- 
lion years can give you. 

But before you go driving around the 
desert in hopes of making an intergalactic 
pickup. take heed. They never pick up 
guys like you. You're probably educated, 
hip, a little weird, You're the wrong kind 
of guy. They take uneducated, plain, sim- 
ple. ordinary, very straight folks. In fact, 
their selection of kidnapees raises further 
questions about their superiority. You'd 
think that if they wanted a human speci- 
men to examine, they'd snatch somebody 
like Bruce Jenner or Linus Pauling or 
Fidel Castro or Gloria Steinem (dreamer!). 
Not on your life. Muhammad Ali could 
walk around the Arizona desert for 20 
years with a neon sign flashing on his back 
saying TAKE ME, YOU BLUE-SKINNED FOOL, 
and never see so much as a pulsing light 
in the sky. On the other hand, someone 
like the comics character Snuffy Smith 
would be treated to unworldly delights. 

Perhaps the matter of telepathy is cru- 
cial here. Maybe they have the power to 
mesmerize only people with weak minds. 
Perhaps after reading this you will assume 
that we are prime candidates for kidnap- 
ing, but keep i! to yourself 

At any rate, we have synthesized several 
supposedly true stories of UFO abductions 
into a pictorial feature with our own in- 
house space vamp, and we're sure it'll keep. 
you up all night at the window, telescope 
in hand. As the old song goes, “You're 
clear out of this world. . ..” 


Right, top to bottom: At the sight 

of the familiar face (he remembers 
later that the alien assumed the 
form of his favorite centerfold girl), 
he finally becomes aroused and 
enters her. Eventually, he begins 
enjoying himself, as the moans 
escaping the lips of the beauty 
beneath him sound so convincingly 
human. At the moment of climax, 
he opens his eyes and discovers to 
his horror that the body with 

which he is coupled has become 
invisible. He blacks out. He 
awakens later, fully clothed in 

his car. Only the warm jelly 

on his chest remains 


| THE 
HUMAN 
FACTOR 


| he was a double agent at the 
most dangerous juncture of his 
life—and now he was assigned 
| to a top-secret job with a 
deadly enemy—from the new з 
5j D thriller by the ЕЛ « 
of “the honorary consul” э} 


| 
| 
| 
| 
s 
| 


| 
fiction BY аза 00 GREENE 


( ASTLE HELPED HIMSELF to another whisky. Sarah had been 
Fe a long time м with un, and he was alone, Кач for the bell to ring. 


8 small onc. He had 
im, hat are you doing, dai li 8?” 
“Just waiting for Mr. Muller,” he replied, “and drinking another whisky.” 
“Not too many, darling.” | 
‘They had decided that he should welcome Muller first alone. Muller would 
no doubt arrive from London in an embassy car. A black Mercedes like the big 
officials all used in South Africa? “Get over the first cmba ents,” C had said, 
“and leave scrious business, of course, for the office. At home you are more likely 
to pick up a useful indicati. mean of what we have and they haven't. But 
ог God's. sake, Castle, keep cool.” And now he struggled to keep his-cool —-—.— -——— - 


$ 


g 


2, 


j 


A 


Р 


№. 


LUSTRATION BY JOHN O'LEARY 


PLAYBOY 


90 


with the help of a third whisky while he 
listened and listened for the sound of a 
car, any car, but there was little traffic 
at this hour in King's Road—all the com- 
muters had long since arrived safely home. 

His mind wandered to that other occa- 
sion when he had waited for at least 
three-quarters of an hour, in the office 
of Cornelius Muller. He had been given 
a copy of The Rand Daily Mail to read— 
an odd choice since the paper was the 
enemy of most things that BOSS, the 
organisation which employed Muller, sup- 
ported. He had already read that day's 
issue with his breakfast, but now he re- 
read every page with no other purpose 
than just to pass the time. Whenever he 
looked up at the dock he met the eyes 
of one of the two junior officials who sat 
stiffly behind their desks and perhaps took 
it in turn to watch him. Did they expect 
him to pull out а razor blade and slit 
open а vein? But torture, he told himself, 
was always left to the Security Police— 
or so he believed. And in his case, after 
all, there could be no fear of torture 
from any service—he was protected by 
diplomatic privilege; he was one of the 
untorturables, No diplomatic privilege, 
however, could be extended to include 
Sarah; he had learned during the last 
year im South Africa the age-old lesson 
that fear and love are indivisible. 

Jf fear and love are indivisible, so too 
are fear and hate. Hate is an automatic 
response to fear, for fear humiliates. 
When he had been allowed at last to 
drop The Rand Daily Mail and they in 
terrupted his fourth reading of the same 
leading article, with its useless routine 
protest against the evil of petty apartheid, 
he was deeply aware of his cowardice. 
Three years of life in South Africa and 
six months of love for Sarah had turned 
him, he knew well, into a coward. 

Two men waited for him in the inner 
office: Mr. Muller sat behind a large desk 
of the finest South African wood which 
bore nothing but a blank blotting pad 
and a highly polished pen-stand and one 
file suggestively open. He was a man a 
little younger than Castle, approaching 
fifty, perhaps, and he had the kind of face 
which in ordinary circumstances Castle 
would have found it easy to forget: an 
indoors face, as smooth and pale as a 
bank clerk’s or a junior civil servant's, a 
face unmarked by the torments of any be- 
lief, human or religious, a face which was 
ready to receive orders and obey them 
promptly without question, a conformist 
face. Certainly not the face of a bully— 
though tbat described the features of the 
second man in uniform who sat with his 
legs slung with insolence over the arm of. 
an easy chair as though he wanted to 
show he was апу man's equal; his face 
had not avoided the sun: it had a kind 
of infernal flush as though it had been 
exposed too long to a heat which would 


have been much too ferce for ordinary 
men. Mullers glasses һай gold rims; it 
was a gold-rimmed country. 

“Take a seat,” Muller told Castle with 
just sufficient politeness to pass as cour- 
tesy, but the only seat left him to 
take was a hard narrow chair as lii 
made for comfort as a chair 
if he should be required to kneel, there 
was no hassock available on the hard 
floor to support his knees, Hc sat in 
silence and the two men, the pale one 
and the heated one, looked back at him 
and said nothing. Castle wondered how 
long the silence would continue. Cor- 
nelius Muller had a sheet detached from 
the file in front of him, and after a while 
he began to tap it with the end of his 
gold bali-point pen, always in the same 
place, as though he were hammering in 
a pin. The small tap tap tap recorded 
the length of silence like the tick of a 
watch. The other man scratched his skin 
above his sock, and so it went on, tap 
tap and scratch scratch. 

‘At las Muller consented to speak. 
“I'm glad you found it possible to call, 
Mr. Castle." 

"Yes, it wasn’t very convenient, but, 
well, here I am." 

"We wanted to avoid making an un- 
necessary scandal by writing to your 
ambassador.” 

It was Castle’s turn now to remain 
silent, while he tried to make out what 
they meant by the word scandal. 
aptain Van Donck—this is Captain 
Van Donck—has brought the matter to 
us here, He felt it would be more suitably 
dealt with by us than by the Security 
Police—because of your position at the 
British Embassy. You've been under ob- 
servation, Mr. Castle, for a long time, but 
ап arrest in your case, I feel, would serve 
no practical purpose—your embassy 
would claim diplomatic privilege. Of 
course we could always dispute it before 
a magistrate and then they would cer- 
tainly have to send you home. That 
would probably be the end of your ca- 
reer, wouldn’t it?” 

Castle said nothing. 

“You've been very imprudent, even 
stupid," Cornelius Muller said, “bur then 
І don't myself consider that stupidity 


though. take a different view, а legalistic 
view—and they may be right. He would 
prefer to go through the form of arrest 
and charge you in court. He feels that 
diplomatic privileges are often unduly 
stretched as far as the junior employees of 


an embassy are concerned. He would like 
to fight the case as a matter of principle. 
The hard chair was becoming painful, 
id. Castle wanted to shift his thigh, but 
he thought the movement might be taken 
as a sign of weakness. He was trying very 
hard to make out what it was they really 


knew. How many of his agents, he won- 
dered, were incri ed? His own rela- 
tive safety made him feel shame. In a 
genuine war an officer сап always die 
with his men and so keep his self-respect. 

“Start talking, Castle,” Captain Van 
Donck demanded. He swung his legs off 
the arm of his chair and prepared to 
rise—or so it scemed—it was probably 
bluff. He opened and closed one fist and 
stared at his signet ring. Then he began 
to polish the gold ring with a finger as 
though it were a gun which had to be kept 
well oiled, In this country you couldn't 
escape gold. It was in the dust of the 
„ artists used it as paint, it would be 
quite natural for the police to use it for 
beating in a man’s face, 

[alk about what?” Castle asked. 

"You are like most Englishmen who 
come to the Republic," Muller said, "you 
feel a certain automatic sympathy for 
black Africans, We can understand your 
feeling. All the more because we are 
Africans ourselves. We haye lived here 
for three hundred years. The Bantu 
are newcomers like yourselves. But I don’t 
need to give you a history lesson. As 1 
said, we understand your point of view, 
even though it's а very ignorant опе, but 
when it leads a man to grow emotional, 
then it becomes dangerous, and when 
you reach the point of breaking the 
law.. 

“Whi h law?” 

“I think you know very well which 
Taw. 

"I's true I'm planning a study on 
apartheid, the Embassy have no objec- 
tion, but it's a serious sociological one— 
quite objective—and its still in my head. 
You hardly have the right to censor it 
yet Anyway it won't be published, I 
imagine, in this country." 

“If you want to fuck a black whore 
Captain Van Donck interrupted with im- 
patience, “why don't you go to a whore- 
house in Lesotho or Swaziland? They are 
still part of your so-called Common- 
wealth.’ 

Then it was that for the first time 
Case realised Sarah, not he, was the one 
who was in danger. 

“Im too old 
whores,” he said. 

“Where were you on the nights of 
February 4th and 7th? The afternoon of 
February 21st? 

“You obviously know—or think that 
you know,” Castle said. “I keep my en- 
gagement book in my office. 

He hadn't seen Sarah for forty-eight 
hours. Was she already in the hands of 
men like Captain Van Donck? His fear 
and his hate grew simultaneously. He for- 
got that in theory he was a diplomat, how- 
ever junior. “What the hell are you 
talking about? And you?” he added to 

(continued on page 178) 


to be interested in 


“It’s ten o'clock, dear. Where are our children?" 


92 


BEYOND THE BASICS 


the right" dress rules are rapidly changing—and 
that calls for a new fashion line-up 


attire By DAVID PLATT 


UNLESS YOU'VE BEEN trapping up near the timber line for 
the past decade, you've noticed that a tremendous change 
has occurred in the world of male attire. A change so 
great, in fact, that now would be an excellent time to 
re-examine your wardrobe and attempt to bring to it a 
little order based on today's needs. Zero-based wardrobing, 
you might say. Or perhaps, as depicted in the photos on 
these pages, yours is about to become а bachelor pad à deux. 
In any сазе, here are PLAynoy's guidelines for build- 
ing a serviceable and satisfactory wardrobe that will keep 
your ego up and the hassles down. Principle number one: 
Less is more may apply to taxes, children and mothersin- 
law, but it is not necessarily a good rule of thumb when 
it comes to clothes. We've passed through the period when 
jeans for every occasion made an appropriate statement. 
"That was too much of a good thing. Spice is the variety 
of life. Which brings us to principle number two: Cloth- 
ing may be the first linc of defense against the clements, 


Above: With a roommate like this, we'd jump ovt of our jeans, 
too, even though they're a prewashed denim pair, by Wran- 
gler, about $15; that go great with a corduroy jacket, by 
Jeon-Paul Germoin, about $190; o flonnel shirt, $23, by Robert 
Stack for Country Roads; plus a poir of knee socks, by Burling- 
ton, $2.75; ond leather boots, by Dunhom, $50. Opposite, top: 
The eternol bathroom hong-up—but who's to comploin when 
your shirt wardrobe consists of a plaid number, by Eagle 
Shirtmokers, $21.50; o striped cotton/polyester one, by Hoth- 
awoy, $22; and o ploid cotton shirt, by Jones New York, obout 
$30? (Her camisole and top pants are by Fernondo Sonchez.) 
Opposite, bottom: Come rain or come shine, you'll be reody in 
а coshmere/nylon belted coot, by Van Gils for Honk Engel- 
Бага! Ent., $225; a hooded parka, by Levi's, about $52; a wool 
scarf, by Carora, $16; pigskin gloves, by Gates, cbout $20; plus 
a plaid-patterned brolly, by Mespo, $15; and an intriguing- 
ly ringed wood wolking stick, by Cooper for George Groham, 
obout $15. (The cootrack is from Hommacher Schlemmer.) 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY JOYCE RAVID / PRODUCED BY HOLLIS WAYNE 


94 


but it also functions as a primary vocabulary of body 
language and as an aesthetic pleasure unto itself. Of 
course, no one should become a slave to fashion, but a 
contrary, negative attitude toward clothes is as severely 
limiting to pleasure as proscriptions against premarital sex 
or an unwillingness to dine on anything but meat and 
potatoes. 

Common sense will tell you that you need a good supply 
of shorts, T-shirts, handkerchiefs, etc. And while were 
talking about basics, most of us live where there are sea- 
sonal climatic changes. Therefore, much of our wardrobe 
will haye to be echoed for hot or cold weather (echoed 
but not necessarily duplicated). The point we're making is 
that in the Seventies, we have (concluded on page 190) 


Above: Don't worry, fella, your new-found roommate’s not 
about to split, what with the contents of thot Louis Vuitton 
suitcose (you can buy it at Saks Fifth Avenue) including a 
plaid shirt, by Van Heusen, $15; a polyester/cotton shirt, by 
Eagle Shirtmakers, $18.50; knit crew-neck, by Jantzen, 
$25; wing+tip shoes, by ltalia Bootwear, about $55; Argyle 
knee socks, by Burlington, $3; snckeskin belt, by Bronzini, 
$12.50; plus the velour chapeau, by Makins, about $32, 
she’s sporting. (Her undies are by Sheer Madness for Cira.) 
Right: Who wouldn't fall for a guy who owns a checked velvet 
jacket and solid-color velvet slacks, by Harold Tillman, about 
$195 for both; a satin shirt, by Hathaway Patch Il, $22.50; and 
a silk tie, by Christopher, Peter and Jane for George Graham, 
about $15? (Her outfit’s by Papillon and Jacques Cohen Ltd.) 


GIVE A MAN 
ENOUGH 

ROPE AND 
HE'LL HANG 
HIMSELF—ON 
THE SIDE OF 

A CLIFF TWO 
HUNDRED 

FEET ABOVE 
GROUND ZERO 


pot ore: WHE IGE CLIMB 


Craig Vetier, who has written 
for this magazine on everything 

from the lettuce boycott to 
bankruptcy, is a mellow relic of 


The Sixties. We asked him 

if he were ready to put his ass. 

оп the line for PLAYBOY спа 

face his fear of fear. He said, "I'll 
do it for the money." This is 

the first in a series—if he makes it. 


TO THE 
EDGE 


article By CRAIG VETTER 


Yr'S BEEN 15 DAYS since I came 
down off a frozen waterfall in 
the White Mountains and the 
big toe on my left foot is still 
numb. I thought it was frost- 
bite. When I finished the 
climb, 1 couldn't feel my 
hands or my feet or my checks 
ог my nose or my ears. A long 
bath revived everything but 
the toes on my left foot, and 
over the next week, I checked 
them as often as I had my 
shoes off for that horrible blue- 
black color that means some- 
one is going to have to cut 
away what is dead to save 
what isnt. First they were 
white, then they turned pink. 
After a few days, three of them 
came back to life. Then four. 
‘Then four and a half and the 
thawing stopped. Im begin- 
ning to think that dead spot 
across the front of the toe and 
up under the nail never did 
have anything to do with the 
cold. I think I have a litle 
piece of terror lodged down in 
there. A physical memento of 
the whole «ucl adventure. 
Hanging on that ice sheet, 200 
feet up, by an ax and a ham- 
mer I didn't trus, in a bad 
snowstorm, behind a guide I 
couldn't see, attached to him 
by a rope that meant nothing, 


beyond panic into a place of 
preternatural fear, near tcars, 
cursing everyone Id ever 
known, especially poor stupid 
me. It was one of the worst 
beatings I'll ever take and, like 
all the great whippings, I gave 
it to myself. I think now if 
that toe never wakes up, it'll 
be a small price to pay for 
this one. А thousand snakes 
couldn't have scared me any 
worse, but I could have paid a 
lot more for it. 

A writer friend told me 
about ice climbing. He called 
it “front pointing" and said it 
was done on water ice that 
formed into slippery, dead- 
vertical faces that you could 
bite into with picks and claws. 
"It takes а couple of years to 


be able to lead a safe rock 
climb,” he told me. "It takes a 
minimum of five years to learn 
to lead an ice dimb.” Then he 
said he knew a man in North 
Conway, New Hampshire, Mi- 
chael Hartrich, who was а 
great climber and, more than 
hat, somebody he trusted. 
'd say, climbing with Mike, 
you can reduce the fatal dan- 
ger to almost nothing" he 
said. That's what 1 wanted to 
hear. I wasn't asking for guar- 
antees or promises, but thats 
what I wanted to hear. I don't 
do dangerous things to chal- 
lenge fear, or brush death, or 
to prove there is a warrior in- 
side me. 1 do them out of 
curiosity, I think. Why would 
a man standing in a winter 
forest looking up a sheer ice 
diff ever imagine that he 
should, or even could, climb it? 
And if he did, what would he 
know standing at the top that 


he didn't know standing at the 
bottom? What would he feel 
like up there where, they say, 
the ice is blue? 

“You'll never forget й 
my writer friend. 

I called Michael and he said 
to hurry. It was the end of 
March and freak warm spells 
were trying to break the mean 
winter of 1976-1977. Great 
chunks of New England were 
melting and if I didn't get 
there before April, it was pos- 
sible that all the good ice 
climbs would have turned 
back into wet rocks and full- 
on cataracts. I told him I was 
on my way. He asked what 
kind of shape I was in, which 


said 


ILLUSTRATION BY TOM GALA 


is a reasonable question to ask 
of a дашчаны you've never 
seen and who is probably do- 
ing this thing at least partly 
for money and partly out of 
ignorance, no matter what else 
he tells you. 

"Not bad, pretty good," I 
told him. “I do some yoga, I'm 
34, medium-good shape, Td 
say.” 
“АП right," he said. “Don't 
wait too long.” 

I asumed he was talking 
about the weather and not my 
age, and I made reservations 
that day. 

Asitwas, weneedn’t 
have worried about 
the weather turning 
gentle. The ace i 
Tflew into trying to ^ 
Jand at Manchester ri 


forced the plane on to Port- 
land, Maine, and the airline 
had to buy us hotel rooms. 
The wind was up around 50 
miles an hour and the snow 
was wet and heavy, almost 
sleet. It kept up all night 
and in the morning it was 
still howling. "The cars in the 
parking lot had six inches 
of snow all over them, and 
everything else I could see 

from my window was cither 
white or gray. The paper 1 
bought said it was the worst 
storm in years. Trees and 


telephone lines got heavy with 
the icy snow and then were 
blown down. Roads were 
closed, schools were dosed, a 
young Portland boy was killed 
when he touched a power line 
that was flapping loose near 
his house. 
I decided to drive to North 
Conway from Maine, instead 
of flying back to Manchester, 
so I rented a car with snow 
tires and went north 80 miles 
through the  winterlooking 
mountains on a two-lane road 
that was frozen and almost de- 
serted. Г arrived about noon 
and went looking for Michael 
at Eastern Mountain Sports, 
the mountainecring shop in 
which he works. It was ‘still 
storming, though it had started 
to break up, and when Michael 
and. met over lunch, we de- 
cided not to climb until the 
next day. We didn't talk much 
about dimbing at that first 
meeting. In fact, Michael 
didn't talk much at all. He is 
short, maybe 5'3", as are many 
of the really fine climbers. His 
upper body is heavy and 
strong, his arms seem long and 
his hands are big and square. 
And he is naturally quiet, in- 
trospective. He did ask me if 
(continued on page 134) 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY 
KEN MARCUS 


MEET 
HER IN 
ST. LOUIS 


if you’re looking for 
miss february (and why 
wouldn't you be?), 

try the bike paths or 
the playboy club 


Anis SCHMETT can't help but re- 
Jere you of the elusive blonde 
bombshell in American Graffiti, 
the one who cruises the streets in a spank- 
ing new white sports car, leaving poor 
Richard Dreyfuss frantic at every sight- 
ing. Janis tours the streets of St. Louis in 
а bright-blue Triumph Spitfire converti- 
ble, leaving contingents of wide-eyed, 
double-taking men in her path. Today 
she is wearing a skintight sweater dress 
with holes in appropriate places and 
black high-heeled boots, and as she 
extracts her 5/4" frame from a bucket 
seat and enters Houlihan's—a funky, 
Friscoesque bar-restaurant in St. Louis’ 
West County—a huddle of business- 
men at the bar stop abruptly, as if 
frozen in time, martinis poised in 
mid-air, mouths agape. She pretends not 
to notice, orders a bloody mary and 
stirs it with a celery stalk. "I can't 
believe men sometimes,” she says. “You 
know, I bicycle almost every day in 
Carondelet Park. I get up real early 
in the morning, before the nuts come 
out. I wear my hair pulled back, 
old Tshirt, some old руш shorts and 
no makeup—in fact, I do everything 
to make myself look plain—and I still 
get slapped on the behind.” 

Bicycling every day—weather per- 
mitting—is just one of Janis’ many 
activities. At night, she's а Bunny at 
the St Louis Playboy Club, a job 


A typical day in the 
life of February’s 
Janis Schmitt begins 
with a four-to-six- 
mile bike vide in the 
parkand ends with 
the completion of 
her daily duties аза 
Bunny at the St. 
Louis Playboy Club. 
“T decorated our 
Bunny Room—the 
place where we 
change our clothes— 
with male centei 
folds,” says Jani. 
sort of brightens 
the place up.” 


“It 


“I always look at a man's face first, then at his ass. Yes, I suppose you could 
call me an ass woman. But I also look at the hands—I can see emotional 
strength in a man's hands. I’m not an aggressive woman, not at first, anyway. 
But I’m aggressive in bed more often than not.” 


she's had for three years and through which she became 
dose friends with Playmate of the Year Patti McGuire. 
Before that, she was a file derk in a local bank, a 
bookkeeper in a juvenile court and a respiratory therapist 
at a local hospital. The temptation to remark that, as a 
respiratory therapist, she surely must have left a lot of pa 
tients breathless is overwhelming, but you let it pass. Janis 
orders another bloody and carefully flicks a stray bang out 
of her eye, one of her more frequent and enchanting man 
nerisms. “I’m basically а very quiet person,” she says pensively 
"I've been shy all my life. Insecure. Would you believe I've 
even read books on overcoming shyness? I always wanted to 
be an actress, but I was too shy in high school to get on a 
stage. What really makes me mad about being quiet is that 
people always assume you're dumb, that you have nothing 
to say. I'm just more of a listener and I suppose that's why 
I'm attracted to outgoing, funny people.” One of her favorite 
funny people is comic Steve Martin. Says Janis, "I'd love to 


meet him someday—he's just so off the wall.” Comedy fig- 
ures strongly in her plans. “If I get into acting, and that’s 
my main goal right now,” she says between slices of London 
Td like to be the comic type—sort of like Goldie 
n or Carole Lombard, not a dramatic type—I doubt 
jously that I could carry that oft 
Janis is also an avid reader—of books ("I love erotic 
nd every kind of magazine ("Would you be 
I actually subscribe to Andy Warhol's Interview. maga- 
zine?”). She smiles mischievously. “1 want to write a really 
dirty book some she says, “under a fictitious name. 
It would be kind of autobiographical, like Erica Jong's 
Fear of Flying, a chronicle of my life and loves. When I was 
younger, I used to write poetry all the time. I was lonely then 
and since I didn't have anybody to confide in, I'd write down 
my feelings. But I'm not lonely anymore, so I've sort of 
given up writing poetry.” Nowadays, she just inspires it. 


“In the past two years, 
Tue been with a base- 
ball player, a football 

player and a hockey 
player. In high school, 
T always liked foot- 
ball players 
to be held in the 
of a big, stro 


Also, the Hoc and 
roughr ss of sports 
like hockey and 
football really 

turn me on." 


“The power a woman 
has over a man in bed 
is really phenomenal. 
A woman can get 
almost anything she 
wants through sex. Of 
course, I don’t us 

that power myself, 
because I don't like to 
take advantage of a 
man, but I've always 
been aware that it 
exists. I'm not into 
threesomes от orgies 
or any of that. I pre- 
fer the intimacy of a 
one-to-one sexual 
relationship.” 


"I'm a romantic. I can't have sex just for kicks; there has to be some feeling first. Some girls сап be real aggressive— 
they'll just pick up a guy and take him home. I can't do that. Sure, the first attraction is purely physical— 
if a man looks good to you, if he makes your heart beat faster, fine—but for me it has to go beyond the physical.” 


@ 
= 


PLAYBOY'S PLAYMATE OF THE MONTH 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


BUST: OG ЫЕ РЫ. R25 کک‎ 


HEIGHT: WEIGHT: КОШОК сша 


BIRTH DATE: эби = Z —Á ÓQ 


FAVORITE sports. 


FAVORITE HOBBIES 


PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES 


Gathered around the water cooler on Monday 
morning, the fellows asked the office stud what 
his impressions were of his first house-party 
orgy. “It’s true, it's true!" he said with ап 
ecstatic look. 

"What's true?" they chorused. 

"That your whole life flashes before your 
eyes,” he answered, "when you're being gone 

lown on for the third time!” 


Our Unabashed Dictionary defines internal 
revenue as a callgirl's earnings. 


ES 


Апа what was the culmination of events that 
led you to file this action?” asked the man’s 
attorney in the divorce hearing. 

“AIL through our marriage my wife was less 
than fully responsive to my sexual initiatives,” 
replied the husband, “but the clincher came 
one morning at the breakfast table when she 
announced, “Just so you won't be building up 
your hopes all day, I'm already beginning to get 
a headache,’ ” 


Our Unabashed Dictionary defines 4.C./D.C. 
stewardess as a flexible flier. 


When it comes to sexual receptivity, we doubt 
there's any competition for the girl who picks 
up CB. transmissions on her LU.D. 


А peeker at peckers named Jay 
Hung out at the Y. M.C. A 

But the dick that he saw 

Was Detective McGraw, 
Who hauled the piqued peeker away. 


Norman claims not to believe in a Supreme 
Being,” the girl confided to her best friend, 
“but when he climaxed the other night, he 
yelled, ‘Oh, God! Oh, God!’ There, Rona— 
doesn't that prove something about men?” 

“It sure does,” smiled Rona. “It proves there 
are no atheists in foxy holes.” 


You may possibly have heard about the male 
student who was arrested for mooning through 
а closed dormitory window. The charge was 
being an ass in the pane. 


During a freeassociation testing session, a 
psychiatrist. waved a photograph of massed 
clouds in front of his patient. “Quick, what did 
that make you think of?” he asked. 

"Pussy," answered the man. 

The medical man blinked, then flashed a 
picture of a crowded street and the patient 
repeated, “Pussy.” 

Next was an ocean-shore-line scene and the 


response was, “Pussy that time, t. 
“You really have a fixation on the female 
pudenda,” said the shrink. "But now let's try 
to narrow your reaction down. Is it a particu- 
lar—er—pussy that comes to mind?” 
“Your receptionist's."" 
‘Why? You've never seen the girl before.” 
“That’s true, but every time you wave a 
picture at me, doc, I can smell your fingers." 


An insatiable coed named Joan 
Has a supersized dildo of bone; 
Which is why, after class, 
Though a sociable lass, 
She's been known to get off on her own. 


Circling in their UFO, two creatures from 
outer space kept their long-distance ocular 
antennae fixed on the traffic light at the inter- 
section. “Fascinating!” exclaimed one, after 
watching a dozen cycles. "He's really quite a 
lover! But did you notice that his second orgasm 
each time is yellow instead of blue?” 


Ahly fn 


After she had donned her flimsy nightie, the 
bride watched the groom undress. “Whatever 
happened to your big toe?” she asked. “Из 
twisted.” 

“I had toelio as a child," answered the fellow. 

“And what about those pock-marked knees?" 
continued the girl. 

“Besides,” was the reply, “I had knceesles." 

‘The groom's final garment hit the floor and 
there was a moment's silence. Then his bride 
said, “I can see you also had smallcox.” 


Heard a funny one lately? Send it on a post- 
card, please, to Party Jokes Editor, PLAYBOY, 
Playboy Bldg., 919 М. Michigan Ave., Chicago, 
Til. 60611. $50 will be paid to the contributor 
whose card is selected. Jokes cannot be returned. 


“Don’t stop, Reverend—I think your prayers 
is astarting to get answered!” 


I to say and even more fun to eat 


1 


[ the musical-sounding one-dish 
J AMB AL AY A creole delicacy that’s fun 
a 


aes 


A 


food By THOMAS MARIO o riscs irresistibly draw bachelor chefs to jambalaya. First, its opulence: 


ice, chicken, ham, seafoods, seasonings, vegetables, spices and herbs are lavishly fused in а onedish meal repre- 
senting generations of New Orleans culinary genius. Second, it’s an imaginative dish for which there are countless 
recipes but few rules. You can confidently substitute game for chicken, lobster for shrimps or scallions for onions. 
ng Naturally, the one glorious element you can't change is rice, though some Creolized chefs (concluded on page 182) 


| absinthe suissesse, ramos gin fizz and 
5 more make new orleans the 
I spiritual mecca of the resolute reveler 


ILLUSTRATION BY HARVEY EHRLICH 


drink By EMANUEL GREENBERG „сло cuzzuer recently confided that in the event that he was 
reincarnated, he would rather return as a New Orleans bartender than as Warren Beatty or the shah of Iran. This 
should be accepted as an honest expression of the man’s sentiments, since he was then working on his ninth vodka 
stinger—a concoction he detests but wistfully believes does not linger on his breath. 

A steadfast allegiance to New Orleans and its drinking tradition is shared by quitea (continued on page 184) 113 


JHE 


FEMALE 


essay By JULES SIEGEL a wounded warrior in 
the battle of the sexes offers a revolutionary combat manual 


“In Tm riens, you had to be Jewish 
to get a girl,” Mort Sahl writes in Heart- 
land. “In the Sixties, you had to be black 
to get a girl, and now you have to be a 
girl to get a girl” The unerring wath 
of that statement sums up the dilemma 
of our time: What happens to us guys? 
Well, gentlemen, I was always one of 
those men who would do anything to 
score, and if that means becoming a 
girl, I'm ready. 

In fact, I have already tried, though 
the deed is much easier said than done. 
urgery is somewhat too permanent. 
Fashions change. There may come a time 
when we will once again have to be men 
to get women. It is considerably easier 
to remove a ре! than to replace it. 
But the human spirit is somewhat more 
plastic than the flesh. Maybe it is pos- 
sible to become female in everything but 
body. 

The problem in doing so is lack of 
formation. If they won't let us near 
them, how are we going to learn how to 
be like them? We need spies to ferret 
out their secrets. This calls for volunteers 
willing to lay down their sacred macho 
images in the interests of all mankind. 
Dressing in drag isn't necessary. The 
task is made slightly easier by the fact 
that so many women are doing a very 
good job pretending to be men. That’s 
why they want girls. They're not perverts, 
you know. But is it enough for us to 
imitate women pretending to be men? 
Or do we have to really become ladies? 

І cannot say that I have actually passed 
as а woman, but there have been points 


where I have become virtually invisible, 
neither accepted nor rejected but ignored. 
And so I have been able to undertake 
a preliminary reconnaissance of the ter- 
ritory. 1 would like to offer this to The 
New York Times Magazine as an article 
to be tided Whither Woman? but I know 
that there is not much of it that they will 
consider fit to print. Pussy licking is a 
bit avantgarde for them, for example. 
How can one talk about women without 
talking about pussy licking? Why would 
one want to? | mean, Norman Mailer 
likes getting head. What is his beef 
against giving it? 

Norman is against mouth love. It is 
not manly, he says. I don't care about 
being manly, I just want to get laid. 
‘That man is a Communist. He should be 
deported. This is where the principle of 
freedom of speech and I part company. 
Shut him up. 1 wish for the equipment of 
a whale: a tongue that big and a hole in 
the top of my head to breathe through! 

L am truly happy to see that this has 
become a political issue. It's a hell of a 
lot more interesting than tax reform. 1 
think we should get it on the ballot. In 
some states, there are actually laws against 
tongue dances. Let's have mass protes 
and demonstrations, general strikes and 
furious barrages of wall posters, petitions, 
the White House mail room forklifting 
bales of telegrams demanding the right 
of intimate lip service. 

We have to infiltrate the women's 
movement and get it going on these issues. 
What is this bullshit of picketing record 
companies for producing album covers 


PLAYBOY 


that tend to promote violence against 
women? Let's poll the membership. How 
many of us have been raped at pistol 
point? How many did not get enough 
head in our last sexual embrace? 

We need armies of female impersona- 
tors working from within like moles. To 
get that close, you have to know a little of 
their lingo. Things that women say: “1 
have to have my own space." “It's some- 
thing I have to do." “I have to find out 


who I am." “I have to be my own per- 
son." "I have to be free to be те. 
a woman, I feel . . ." (followed by any- 


thing from "I am fucking your psycho- 
analyst" to “The television is broken"). 

The beauty of all these statements is 
that there is no answer or argument pos- 
sible. They are axioms. They are always 
delivered as if the woman is for the first 
time revealing to herself and to you 
a truth whose novelty is so imposing it 
ought to be engraved on stone tablets. 
No matter how many times she has said it 
or you have heard it, it always comes out 
that way, fresh. 

One is always tempted to ask, "Why 
do you have to have your own space?" 
I mean, I know why I have to have my 
own space—to run little forbidden sexual 
scams in. Does anyone expect a woman to 
reply, “Because I like to play with myself 
once in a while and you get in the мау" 
Possibly they say this to each other. Pos- 
sibly. But to men? Everything is covered 
by the Official Secrets Act. Omerta. The 
Code of Silence. 

‘The taboo extends to the smallest de- 
tails. You lick her pussy for 40 minutes. 
A blister is beginning to sear your tongue. 
Your upper lip is numb. You rise as if 
from 80 fathoms. “I guess you don’t want 
me to come,” she complains. You ask, 
“Exactly how would you like me to do 
it?” This is about the 56th time you have 
had this exchange with her. You are 
thinking about thumbscrews and truth 
serum. “What strokes? Fast? Slow? On? 
Around?” This can go on for a lifetime. 
If she suspects that you are a man, she 
will answer, “Oh, you seem to know what 
you're doing,” and the subject will be 
closed. But woman to woman, maybe at 
last she says, "1 like you to lick it in quick 
short strokes very intensely without stop- 
ping even for a second until 1 come.” Do 
it and she pops over in a little under 
three minutes. 

In moments like these—and they are 
bliss—the ladies tend sometimes to be- 
come paranoid. After all, it is a bit diff- 
cult to conceal an erection when you are 
naked. If she notices, you must say, “It is 
my ditoris. 1 know I'm a freak. I can't 
tell you the abuse I've taken from men 
about it. But I know that you, another 


116 woman, will be able to accept my de- 


formity with dignity.” 

The female ego is different from the 
male. You need a computer printout 
merely to begin to index the ways and the 
reasons. Fhere is more to be written 
about this than may be recorded on all 
the leaves there ever were or yet shall һе. 
The footnotes alone would make trees 
an endangered species. Since the dawn of 
history, for example, it has been noted 
with great regularity in all the scriptures 
and epic annals that womanly techniques 
such as getting their way with sadness, 
sulkiness and tears are designed to “un- 
man” their opponents. The feminists dis- 
miss this as mere superstition. Now come 
University of California psychologists 
Paula B. Johnson and Jacqueline D. 
Goodchilds with a scientifically creditable 
survey confirming this basic truth: Women 
get their way with sadness, sulkiness and 
tears, Much of the rest of the folklore— 
feminist and traditional—is equally valid, 
I am sure, but not all, according to my 
own firsthand observations. 

My own observations are merely my 
own observations. They tend to depart 
from the fashionable viewpoint, however. 
І don't know about other men, but I was 
raised most of my life in a society ruled 
by women. Elementary school was hell for 
me and all the boys I knew. All the 
teachers were women. They favored the 
girls shamelessly. Girls were obedient 
little toadies who did their homework 
diligently and neatly and handed in their 
compositions in pretty folders decorated 
with crayon flowers. Girls score higher 
academically at all levels until they reach 
college, where more of the instructors are 
теп, The feminist explanation for this 
has been male bias in the colleges. Maybe 
it is simply that they are being graded 
fairly for the first time. 

Let us not even discuss Mothers and 
Motherhood, what Philip Wylie railed 
against as momism. Those were the days 
when every mother began every sentence 
with, “As a mother. . . .” PLAYBOY'S Edi- 
torial Director, Arthur Kretchmer, says, 
“It isn't Jewish Mothers. They are all 
Jewish Mothers. It's just that Jewish sons 
are so articulate.” But we aren't going to 
discuss that. In any case, the females I 
knew were so superior, so condescending. 
Theirs was the upper hand. Furtively, 
you sought their armored breasts with 
your cautious fingers. Oh, that disdain, 
that scorn of rejection or—almost 
worse—sorrowful success. You've defiled 
her. Now you're going to talk about it to 
all your friends. Years later, you find out 
she was wearing falsies, anyway. 

As I see it, nothing has changed. Wom- 
en are still getting better marks in every 
category except one—truthfulness. But 


only barely, As more and more men have 
joined their ranks, we have seen an evi- 
dent disintegration of public morality. 
That was the meaning of Watergate. 
‘They lie because they can get away with 
it. Few men have the will to deal with 
them. Thats why men run away into 
their clubs and offices and factories. 
Women are vinners. Most guys reach the 
point where they can't handle losing any- 
more and they withdraw. It used to be 
merely social. Now it is overtly sexual. Dr. 
Ruth Moulton of the William Alanson 
White Institute of New York City told 
an American Academy of Psychoanalysis 
convention that feminism sometimes has 
a negative effect on men varying from 
impotence in young men to sexual with- 
drawal in older men, a weapon, she com- 
ments, that women in the past were more 
apt to use against men. Maybe in this 
case it isn't a weapon. It’s an epidemic 
of giving up and walking away. Since 
when is surrender a weapon? How many 
times can Lucy beat Charlie Brown at 
checkers and keep him interested? I feel 
that women are better chess players than 
men, even though there never has been a 
female grand master. They know how to 
lose battles and win wars, They are 
strategists, and to the strategist, truth is 
merely a tactic. But even the best of 
strategists eventually have to face truths 
that transcend the battlefield. 

The main truth that women are facing 
these days is that sex as a battlefield just 
isn't any fun. Nor is anything else. Men go 
to war secking not pleasure but oblivion. 
Even generals sometimes throw up in dis- 
gust. It is not working. We all know that. 
Women are entering the market place 
and finding out the meaning of rat-race. 
There is no terror like the terror of 
Madison Avenue, no brutality like the 
brutality of the board room. It's win or 
the ovens. The executive rises on what 
we normally consider feminine wiles: 
stealth, flattery, deceit, patience, ability 
to endure pain. And these are the top 
jobs, the ones that you have to be Gloria 
Steinem to qualify for, or Helen Gurley 
Brown. The token females think they are 
being singled out for special cruelty. 

In the early Sixties, during the first 
debates over equal pay for equal work, 
I read a study that refuted the argument 
that men would not work for women 
bosses. If anything, it turned out, they 
liked them better, treated them with great- 
er courtesy and consideration. It's just that 
the ordinary reality of the industrial ma- 
chine is horrifying whether you are a man 
or a woman. Maybe it is good to be pro- 
tected from it. 

The factory is death, Women live, on 

(continued on page 191) 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY 
RICHARD FEGLEY 


In an isolated cove among the seaside cliffs neor Caba San Lucas on the southern 
tip af Baja, Playmate Laura Lyons (Februcry 1976) embraces the sea and more; 
but for more social pursuits, Puerto Vallarta (below) is the spot. Here Laura dances 
with Playmate Susan Kiger January 1977) and friends in the center of town. 


At that time—20 years ago—the 
west coast of Mexico had not yet be- 
come the Las Vegas and Miami 
Beach of Mexico. The villages were 
still predominantly primitive Indian 
villages, and the still-water morning 
beach of Puerto Barrio and the rain 
foresis above it were among the 
world’s wildest and loveliest pop- 
ulated places. 

— TENNESSEE WILLIAMS, The Night 

of the Iguana, 1961 


By DAVID STANDISH The bootheel 
sweep between Mazatlán and Manzanillo 
is 460 miles of pirate movie coast line— 
empty bays, little beaches, groves of coco 
palms, mountains and jungle plunging 
straight into the sea. Just 17 years ago, 
it was almost as remote, and stretches of 


With the right company, what better way to while away an afternoon than finding an abandoned 
hihouse on Baja (below) and doing what comes naturally? If, finally, you become hungry for ather 

things, don’t take a bus, because you'll get very wet; but somehow make it to Carlos O'Brian's in 

Puerto Vallarta (above), far and away the most popular restaurant with turistas, in spite of the decor. 


it certainly as pristine, as 
the Puerto Barrio remem- 
bered by Tennessee Wi 
liams. Some of it still i: 
But back then, it barely 
existed for tourists. The 
only way to see it was in 
your own yacht or, if you 
were a mere yachtless 
wretch, by sitting lor hours 
in a dusty mustard court- 
yard in Durango or Tepic 
Or Guadalajara, w 
for a bus to the с 
wasn't the rainy season 
and the rivers weren't 
overflowing the road in 
too many places The 
buses were, and sometimes 
still are, sad old school 
buses that look like they've 
been strapped down and 
subjected again and a 
to merciless electroshock 
therapy, without revealing 
the truth—legally dead 
but still hard at worl 
The ride in them is hour 
after hour with squawking 
chickens in crates and 
goats on ropes and people 
holding fat babies and 
baskets of produce. An 
Aztec pyramid of card- 
board luggage and more 
ivestock in wooden cages 
is piled on top outside. 
Hula skirts of fringe swish 
around the frame of the 
windshield, a small replica 
of the Virgin in the cen- 
ter. The bus is п: 
a ro- 

Spanish name, a 
woman. Loaded yet again 
bcyond suffering, it strains 
through the mountains in 
a grinding gearone roar 
thats palpable, like a 
doud around the bus; but 
on even the slightest 
downward grade, it again 
becomes the old hot stuff, 
careening through Grand 


Left: Playmate Kiger enfolds Mexican friend. Above and below: Water sports in a 
remote settlement called Yelapa that’s a two-hour boat ride south of Puerto Vallarta. 
It's the closest you'll get to seeing a South Pacific paradise without flying thousands 
of miles to the real thing. There are even thotched cottages for overnighting. 


e 
a. 


Оп the road to Monzanillo, where the spider monkeys play, through 
lush green mountoins, our odventurers stop to cleon up and 

rest up from o drive that’s os strenuous as it is gorgeous before 
reaching Las Hados (right), a more civilized version of heaven. 


Prix turns, sailing flat- 
out down straightaways 
through tall drooping 
tunnels of trees, brim. 
ming with faith that 
those cows munching 
and looming there ahead 
on the road will stroll 
off before they're, uh, 
airborne carne asada у 
hamburguesa. . . . 

It was a little too col- 
orful for most tourists, 
no matter how terrific 
the coast line, and chief- 
ly attracted students in 
hot pursuit of the ghost 
of Ambrose Bierce. 

Then, in 1963, John 
Huston decided to direct 
a film version of The 
Night of the Iguana—a 
story set in a seedy hotel 
cut out of the jungle on 
a hill above the ocean. 
The play features Wil- 
liams’ usual symbolic 
crowd, falling apart this 
time in paradise. The lo- 
cation Huston picked 
was Mismaloya, a few 
miles down the coast 
from Puerto Vallarta, 
where a clear cold stream 
crashes down rough 
granite notches strewn 
with great boulders and 
meets the ocean. 

The filming provided 
some of the best gossip 
of the year and put 
peaceful, nowhere Puer- 
to Vallarta foreyer on 
the map. The cast Hus- 
ton assembled included 
Richard Burton, Ava 
Gardner, Deborah Kerr 
and Lolita herself, Sue 
Lyon. Elizabeth Taylor 
wasn't in the movie but 
went along for obvious 
reasons. This was back 


Just a few miles north of dusty, down-home Monzonillo, Los Hadas is a splendid 

chunk of the French Riviera, replicoted in the seeming middle of nowhere by о South 
Americon millionoire who spared no expense to moke it o pleasure dome to rank with 
опу in the world. If you hove the pesos, it’s а greot ploce to go down Mexico моу. 


PLAYBOY 


during the first melodramatic blush of the 
LizzenDick Epoch, when every headache 
and belch was news—and, better yet, Liz 
was watchdogging Dick, trying to keep 
him in a house in town while most every- 
one else was roughing it in cottages on lo- 
n in Mismaloya; but still there were 
times when it was just ginger man Burton 
and all those fabulous women out there 
in the jungle, doing God knows what to 
whom in tropical combinations lush as 
the scenery, It was a mirror in a mirror, 
life once more imitating art—a new 
Williams play unfolding as they filmed 
the old опе. Thats the way the press 
sold newspapers and magazines with it, 
anyway. 

On release, the movie proved to be a 
knockout, and still nearly survives the 
Late, Late Show shredder. But more im- 
portant to the fate of Puerto Vallarta, it 
gave millions of Americans a look at the 
landscape, if only in black and white. 
Maybe the lack of color was also part of 
the attraction, sweet scent of absence, im- 
plying the explorer's reward of rare visual 
perfumes if ever you managed to trans- 
port yourself there. In any case, and al- 
most exclusively because of The Night of 
the Iguana, Puerto Vallarta and environs 
were suddenly added to the stations of 
the chic travel cross in Mexico—even if 
at first it meant doing penance on a 
third-class bus. 

Today, frequent and sometimes daily 
flights go from Mexico City to Manza- 
nillo, Puerto Vallarta, Mazadán and La 
Paz, across the Gulf of California near 
the southern tip of Baja. With a rental 
car and/or a chartered yacht, you can put 
together all sorts of itineraries. PLAYBOY'S 
long-suffering photo crew, for instance, to 
get the pictures you see on these pages, 
flew first from Mexico City to La Paz, 
drove south to Cabo San Lucas, took an 
overnight ferry from there to Puerto 
Vallarta, and then drifted down the coast 
as far as Manzanillo. Since there are so 
many ways to carve the time, not to men- 
tion the money, on such a trip, what 
follows is a sampling of what you'll en- 
counter along these various paths—focus- 
ing on Puerto Vallarta, since it’s the 
usual center for short-term vacations. 
There's also a chart on pages 168 and 169 
with additional information on accom- 
modations, restaurants, shopping, fishing, 
boogicing, etc. 


. 

Puerto Vallarta and Acapulco are re- 
lated in an intriguing way. Both are on 
a long bay shaped like an early moon, 
green mountains behind. But Acapulco 
bas been worked over for many more 
years. It was a busy port by 1600, Co- 
lonial Spain's watering spot for plunder 
expeditions up and down the coast 


122 and its main jumping-off point for the 


spices and profits of Asia, Lately, of 
course, Acapulco Bay has been so planted 
with white high-rise hotels that from the 
distant air, it looks like the lower jaw- 
bone, with a few missing teeth, of some 
paleological Titan washed up on shore— 
dentalwork of the gods. 

Not that Puerto Vallarta isn't trying. 
Tt has already cut a few high-rise teeth 
and its resident population has jumped 
to 24,000. But it's more like the ghost of 
Acapulco Past, the way it might have 
been 30 years ago. Yes you can cat a 
i ian restaurant on the 
town plaza or snap up a snazzy condo in 
the hills in a subdivision known locally 
as Gringo Gulch, and there are discos 
where you can bump the night away. But 
it’s still enough like it was before the jets 
started landing that you don't forget 
you're in Mexico. 

The streets are all cobblestone, sca- 
rounded pebbles of many igneous colors 
taken from a beach like the one stretch- 
ing below the main succt; and at fre- 
quent intervals, the Indian road crew 
has arranged the stones by size or color 
in artistic patterns and designs, some- 
thing you don't normally get from the 
boys tooling around on 165 in their 
asphalt trucks. 

In the center of town, near the river 
dividing Puerto Vallarta in lopsided two, 
the streets rise in intersected tiers, stopped 
by the mountains after half a dozen steps. 
Most of the buildings are low white 
stucco, two and three stories, with red 
roofs of curved ceramic tile. Over these 
old buildings, there's a light frosting of 
boutiques and silver shops and restaurants 
with clever names and menus in English. 
At the intersection of Calle Agustin 
Rodriguez and Calle Hidalgo, the latter 
named for the priest who first led the 
natives in revolution against Spanish rule, 
there is even a place called Restaurant 
Pago Pago, which was unmistakably con- 
structed some years ago as a perfect rep- 
lica of the original McDonald's burger 
stands, including twin plastic golden 
arches—a fact that even the addition of a 
roofed-in patio with brick pillars and 
thatched wooden grillwork can't hide. But 
that’s about as bad, or as silly, as it's 
likely to get for a while. 

The savior of the town—or the villain, 
if you're in real estate—is the river. Dur- 
ing the rainy season, it dumps a bunch 
of mud into the bay. Most of it is nice 
clean mud from the mountains, but some 
of n't, and for sure it dulls the trans- 
Jucent turquoise shimmer that hotel own- 
ers like to see lapping at the edges of 
their expensive beaches. So they're leav- 
ing the older part of Puerto Vallarta 
the nouveau sprawl is going up a 
few miles north and south of town, away 


from this unfortunate water that somc- 
times turns brown. 

Altogether, Puerto Vallarta is a great 
place for a first trip to Mexico. Nearly 
the whole town can be seen in a single 
afternoon of walking. The people are 
used to us gringos but haven't been at 
it so long they wear the ruthless smiles 
you sec elsewhere in the tourist world; 
it's probably a friendlier, safer place than 
where you live. And while you can sleep 
in air conditioning and sip French wine 
with lunch by the pool, practically in 
spitting distance is wild, Juxui 
tyside that’s never been civi 
anyone or anything. 

Тһе two preferred hotels at the mo- 
ment are the high-rise Camino Real, 
built in a spectacular setting against the 
cliffs south of town, and the Spanish- 
style Posada Vallarta, on the best beach, 
two or three miles to the north. The 
Camino Real offers rooms with a view 
that won't quit, and the ocean there 
generally shows those invisible shadings 
of warm Caribbean green, just the way 
it's supposed to. Few rooms at the Posada 
face the bay and, after a heavy rain, the 
currents sometimes send through the per- 
fect green ocean murky sheets of ex-rain 
water, sweeping in dread brown pha- 
lanxes right off the beach. Sull, we'll аке 
the Posada. Its traditional Spanish Co- 
Jonial style, with floors of handmade tile, 
brick arches and stairways of polished 
tropical wood are somehow more restful 
than the idea of standing in bathing. 
trunks on the 20th floor, waiting for the 
express elevator to the beach. Also, the 
scene is more engaging around the Po- 
sada. For some reason, it attracts a more 
international crowd, fewer of the people 
you're there to get away from and more of 
the ones you've been looking for. The 
beach on a good day is alive with the 
sound of on-the-hoof sociology—some of 
it actually on the hoof. Bony horses 
clomp up and down the wet sand, for 
hire to anyone who wants to work on 
that fantasy; beach vendors make their 
long, hot rounds as well, offering blouses 
and T-shirts and jewelry and more, some 
of it very nice stuff, and a bargain if 
you're not afraid to haggle a little, Under 
two parallel rows of umbrellas shaped 
like palm-thatched mushrooms (palapas), 
people work on rum punches and watch 
the parade, endlessly passing; pelicans 
cruise low along the edges of waves, look- 
ing for lunch; and up there in the sunny 
nother pilgrim is 200 feet in the air, 
ng from an enormous red-white- 
andblue parachute that's being hauled 
around the bay by a powerful speedboat, 
ten dollars a pop and they hardly ever 
put you down in the palm trees. 

If that sounds a little too . . . busy for 
you, the Garza Blanca Club de Playa on 

(continued on page 166) 


humor 
By RICHARD LIEBMANN-SMITH 


Institute for Advanced Study 
Princeton, New Jersey 


Dr. Albert Schweitzer 
Hépital Lambaréné 
French Equatorial Africa 


Sound at lasi— 
the revealing correspondence 


between two of this century’s greatest men 
Dear Dr. Schweitzer, 


Although it has long been my intention to express my admiration for your laudable medical 
endeavors on the Dark Continent—not to mention your incomparable organ playing and philosophizing— 
what prompts me to write now is a somewhat more pressing matter. I refer, of course, to the 
regrettable tendency of the general public to confuse us, the one with the other. 

To some degree, this unhappy circumstance is inevitable; we share the same (continued on page 188) 


п THE END OF THE WORLD 


i» cee ees Lyme pigs m, 


Gust 10, 1984: A small group of Sovi- 
et leaders is sitting around a felted 
conference table in a mountain bunker 
60 miles outside Moscow. They agree 
that the European war has been going 
well. One of them worries: “Гоо well.” 
It was easier than their strategists had 
predicted, It started purely as а politi. 
cal ploy: a modest thrust at Berlin in 


1 adi 
| | 


response 1 to \merican i 
Panama. nido do you disengage, now 
that the point is more than made? The 
military senses victory. The ideologues 
are suddenly sounding like Mao: “The 
Americans are | paper tigers.” 

But the cautious Russians in this room 
are terrified. Western Europe is under 
the American vium i е 


ington do? the 
ders, Both sides hay 


PLAYBOY 


allowed to strike first, most of the Soviet 
retaliatory force, perhaps as much as 70 
percent, will be destroyed. before it can 
be launched. The Amcrican Pre: 
just might do it. He has been under in- 
tense pressure. He apparently went into 
Panama in the first place to help divert 
attention from his political troubles at 
home. The hotline is ominously silent. 
‘The premier wants to talk, but it is for 
the President to make the first contact. 
After all, the Russians are “winning.” 

The premier knows that neither side 
can win a nuclear war. But at least the- 
oretically, the side that attacks first will 
have a somewhat better chance of sur- 
viving and rebuilding over time. The 
side that waits. . . . So the Soviet lead- 
ers are driven inexorably, by the logic 
of the nuclear equation, to a pre-emptive 
strike, The world finally makes to 
Armageddon. 

‘There could be other routes. The final 
war could come as easily through an 
American first strike, launched. by essen- 
tally the same logic. Europe is, after all, 
the most widely discussed cise where the 
United States has contingency plans for 
a “first use" of nuclear weapons. Or the 
nuclear weapons in Korea that, in a 
President's casually given word, might be 
used against the North, could be used by 
a future Administration to redeem that 
earlier President's “solemn promise," as 
it may come to be called. Otherwise, as 
Henry Kissinger might say. who could 
ever believe us again? Which would miss 
the point that nobody would be left to 
believe—or to care—if the Soviets took a 
nuclear assault on North Korea as a si 


nal that they had better fire their missiles 


at the United States before the United 
States, now clearly willing to employ 
nuclear weapons, decides to neutralize 
those missiles. 

Most Americans have learned to live 
with the bomb; we have become resigned 
to the fact that a very few people have 
our survival at their finger tips. though 
we may be unnerved a іше when David 
Frost. shows us the dangerous Nixon who 
was behind the Presidential mask. There 
have been attempts to challenge the 
Pentagon, but the complex debates in 
Congress rarely command public аце 
tion. Even modest amendments to tri 
the arms budget or postpone super- 
weapons generally lose by lopsided mar- 
gins. On the whole, the power of 
decision has been left to the experts in 
the Pentagon. We were frightened by 
Seven Days in May, amused by Dr. 
Strangelove, and now most of us hardly 


worry about the thin margin of our 
continued existence, 
But now the situation has changed, 


126 growing even more dangerous. Until re- 


cently, there was а macabre stability to 
the delicate nuclear balance. Neither side 
could hope to gain any advantage from 
nuclear war; cither could respond to any 
attack by reducing the other to rubble. 
This made it less risky, though very ex- 
pensive, to let the Dr. Strangeloves and 
the Curtis LeMays dream, design and 
build new and better ways to do what no 
rational leader would ever do anyway. 
And after all, it did create jobs. In the 
past three years, however, a new factor 
has been added to the nudear equation: 
so-called counterforce weapons and strat- 
egies that, in effect, put a hair trigger on 
our nuclear warheads and bombs. A re- 
tired American diplomat, who also hap- 
pens to be a conservative Republican 
and a veteran hawk on Vietnam, told me 
last fall that he was glad he was an old 
man. “J will probably be able to 
natural death,” he said. “But my children 
won't." 

How we reached this suicidal point is 
essentially a story of the insatiable mil- 
itary appetite for more weapons in search 
of a rationale. The development of 
counterforce began with the very differ- 
ent notion of deterrence. The American 
strategy was that to deter a Russian at- 
tack, we had to be able to inflict “шт 
acceptable damage”; also that we had to 
be able to do it many times over, in 
several ways, just to be sure. Thus, we 
have 1000 Minuteman and 54 Titan 
missiles on land, plus 656 Polaris and 
Poseidon missiles on submarines, plus 
418 strategic bombers with dozens of 
missiles and bombs on each, 

It strains the mind to imagine a pur- 
ident or 
a Sovict Polithuro would be willing to 
sacrifice. even a few major cities. Ob- 
usly, we would not take lightly the 
incineration of New York, Los Angeles 
or Chicago, nor would the Russians like- 
ly trade away Moscow, Leningrad or 
Odessa for, say, Berlin. The Soviet Union 
has 219 cities with populations of over 
100,000. A few warheads would level 
each one. If we can do that, it hardly 
seems probable that they will be more 
deterred if we can also wipe out the 
smaller villages and towns. Yet we can 
do that, too. Our land-based and sea- 
based missiles now have clusters of war- 
heads that can be released separately to 
hit individual targets as the missiles 
themselves make course changes in flight. 
‘These clusters are called MIRVs, an 
acronym for multiple independently 
targetable re-entry vehicles. With MIRVs, 
we have not a few but 41 nuclear war- 
heads on station for each Soviet city of 
100,000 or more people. Or we could 
drop nine warheads on cach city of more 
than 20,000. Or we could space them 


still more widely and hit every village 
and town of 5000 and up. There are 8500 
warheads and bombs in the arsenal. ‘They 
have a combined explosive power of 
more than three billion tons of 'TNT— 
about 1500 pounds of explosive for every 
man, woman and child on the planet. By 
any stretch of war gaming, the capa 
to deter a Russian attack was abundantly 
secured many missiles ago. 

But that did not deter the Pentagon 
planners. They discovered a new need. 
If the job of deterrence was done, the 
next demand was for a "flexible re- 
sponse.” Initially, this made sense. The 
theory was that if the only answer to 
amy nuclear attack were massive ret 


ia- 


tion, the Soviet Union might not be 
convinced that we really would retaliate 
at all if it launched a limited nuclear 
strike, perhaps against an ally ог Amer- 
ican shipping at sea. "The remedy was to 


retarget some American missiles, aiming 
them at the Soviets’ military installations, 
so their population and industry could 
be spared and we could respond in pro- 
portion to a modest Soviet attack. Be- 
ginning in 1973, retargeting provided 
the United States with a credible deter- 
rent to small nuclear threats as well as 
total ones. 

Suddenly, the planners nceded another 
argument for more overkill. So they in- 
vented counterforce. Jf the American 
arsenal could hit military bases as well 
as cities, they asked, what could be more 
logical than to aim at knocking out the 
Russian missiles themselves, at counter- 
ing the very forces with which the Krem- 
lin could wage nuclear war? It was a 
chance to move beyond deterrence to pre- 
emption: Instead of retal 
cities after a Soviet attack, the United 
States might deprive the Russians of their 
nuclear capability before they could use 
it. Soon American warheads will be able 
to destroy the Soviet Union’s land-based 
missiles even in hardened-concrete-and- 
steel silos underground. 

This development raises the specter of 
tripping into nuclear war whenever a 
European or Korean crisis reaches a rel 
atively low boiling point. If both sides 
have silo-busting weapons, it is not hard 
to conceive of circumstances in which 
the leaders of either the United States or 
the Soviet Union—convinced that they 
might be attacked—would attack first. 

MIRVs made counterforce possible. If 
it was missile for missile, the race for a 
preemptive capacity was senseless. All 
the Russians had to do was keep adding 
missiles to preserve their deterrent, one 
new one for each one our forces could 
ipe out. But in 1970, we started MIRV- 
ing our land-based missiles. Each can 
hit at least three different targets. Five 

(continued on page 196) 


PLAYMATES Zea 
INTERNATIONAL 7572 


The German edition of 
PLAYBOY began its operation 
in August 1972. Since then, 
readership has swelled to 
340,000 per month. It’s 

easy to see why: lovelies like 
Doris Anders (left), Miss 


^ November 1976. She spends 
м most of her time playing pool 
ч» and programming computers. 


what the country. Over the years, the Playboy empire has reached the far corners of the world—and the newsstands on 

those far corners. More eyes have seen the Playboy Rabbit than gazed upon the emblem of Alexander the Great. It kind 
of makes us proud. Our allies in Japan, Brazil, France, Germany, Italy and Mexico have taken PLAYROY's editorial concept and 
made it work on the home front. Each of the girls shown on these pages has been a featured model in one of our foreign editions. 
How are we going to keep you down on the farm, after you've seen Marie? Or Jasmin, Katia, Ursula and Anna? 


A PLAYMATE by any other name is still . . . terrific. Nothing is lost in translation, no matter what the language, no matter 


127 


The French begon their 
own edition of PLAYBOY 
in November 1973. The 
mogozine reoches some 
150,000 readers eoch 
month with pictorials 
such оз les Problémes 
de Robino, which 
featured the lovely Eliza- 
beth Plozo (right). No 
doubt her problems 
could be solved by The 
Ployboy Advisor. 


The sun isn’t the only 
thing that’s rising in 
Japan. Some 750,000 
men scan the pages of 
the Japonese PLAYBOY 
every month from back 
to front, top to bottom, 
until they happen upon 
the likes of Yue Ching 
(lef), a Chinese gi 
from Peking who hos 
lived in London for the 
past fen yeors, studying 
graphic arts and dance. 


Ursula Buchfellner (above) posed for the December 1977 German 
PLAYBOY. The eldest of eight sisters and brothers, Ursula works 
behind the counter in a Munich bakery; after hours, she sings 
with a band at a local discothèque. Beate Grétzinger (right), 
another example of fine German engineering, was a gatefold 
girl in January 1976. She claims that her “favorite time 

af year is breakfast in bed or in the bath. 


Darcy Aleixo (above), a native Indian from Copacabana, made her 
debut in the October 1976 issue of Homen—the Brazilian 

PLAYBOY. Brazilians regard Indian girls as secretive, lithe, elusive 
end, yes, provacative. Darcy is all of that and more. 


PLAYBOY asks a lot of its employees. Take Alfred DeBct, 

our Foreign Editions Manager. On a trip to the offices 

of Caballero in Mexica City, he doubled as talent scout, 
discovering Patricia Morales (abave) working in a local bank. 


Josmin Kompotscher (left) groced the gotefold of the Germon PLAYBOY 
in June 1976. A budding octress, she hod recently broken up with a 
soccer ployer: “They hove to obstain from everything before a 

1] gome. Fronkly, thot's not whot I hod in mind.” Morie-Luise Gossen 
(right) wos a runner-up in the Miss Universe contest before op- 
peoring in the German PLAYsor in April 1975. She discovered 
а novel meons for overcoming her initiol comera shyness. 


Anna Thorberg (left) 
become a Playmote for 
our German edition in 
July 1977. Her reason: 
“So thot | would not 
hove to be jeolous any- 
more when the mon 

1 loved looked at 
PLAYBOY." Makes sense 
1o us. Anna is a student 
in Munich, and when 
she is not horseback 
riding or motorcycling, 
she likes to write 
suspense novels. 


Disco music is evidently the thing in Germany. 
A photographer discovered Bea Fiedler (left) 
in a Düsseldorf disco and flew her to a remote 
island for а June 1977 Playmate pictorial. 


PLAYBOY, which began its 
operation in November 
1972, now reaches 
140,000 men. Katia 
Scolari (left), its Playmate 
last March, started work 
at the age af 15 ina 
cosmetics factary, be- 
came politically involved 
and helped fight for a 
natianal union contract. 
She recently changed 
jobs, appearing in 

a film, White Telephones. 


Mona (right) was 
featured in the Septem- 
ber 1976 French 
PLAYEOY in a pictorial 
called Par Ici La Mona. 
The subtitle went an 

ta say that, "like many 
Swedes, Mona hes her 


awn ideas about physical 
culture.” One idea: 


Always carry an extra 
poir of shoes, in case 
you have ta make 

о fast getaway. 


Anne, the enticing 
beauty ot left, first 
appeared in the 
French PLAYBOY in 
September 1975 ina 
fecture called La 
Marquise des Songes. 
No, it daesn't have ta 
do with singing. 
Songes ore dreoms, ond 
“Voulez-vous coucher 
ауес moi?" means, 
“Would yov like to sit 
on the couch and 

tell me cbout it?” 


THE EDGE |... 


“A climber once hammered two of his own fingers into 
acrack and hung by them till he was rescued.” 


I had had any experience rockdimbing 
and I told him no, that I'd once done 
some rappelling with a friend in Colo- 
rado, years before, but not enough to 
make me feel I knew anything. 

"Ideally," he s: “you should rock- 
before you iceclimb. So you're 
with the equipment. But we'll 
do a practice dimb tomorrow so you can 
learn the system. Then we'll go up into 
Huntington Ravine on the weekend and 
do a series of climbs.” 

Late that afternoon, we met in the 
shop so he could fit me with the equip- 
ment I was going to need. His office wall 
is covered with pictures of people hang- 
ing by their fingers from cracks in the 
rock hundreds of feet up. Pictures of ice 
climbers, way up, on incredible slabs of 
ice, stuck there like flies by means you 
couldn't see even if you looked hard. 1 
was looking real hard and while 1 did, 
Michael sat down on the floor and began. 
rooting through a box full of crampons. 

Crampons are the spikes you strap onto 
your boots to climb ice. They have ten 
steel teeth about an inch long that point. 
down from the sole of the boot and two 
more about the same size that point 
straight ahead from the toe and are 
curved down slightly, like claws. When 
you are climbing vertical or near vertical 
ice, you kick the front points into the 
wall and then id on them with most 
of your weight. I listened to Mike telling 
me about them while he fitted a pair to 
my boots. Finally, I said, “Those front 
points don't look like they'll hold that 
much. They look too small.” 

“They'll hold you,” he said. 

Then he gave me an ice hammer and a 
Chouinard ice ax, which has a hardwood 
handle about three feet long. The blade 
looks something like a pickax blade: one 
end curved down and pointed, the other а 
Наг blade called an adz. There is a steel 
spike that protrudes down out of the han- 
dle. Ehe ice hammer is just what it sounds 
like: a hammer-sized variation of the ax, 
without the adz and without the spike in 
the handle. Both the ax and the hammer 
have the look of serious, sturdy tools, or 
weapons. When you hold them, you can 
feel their balance and purpose. 

The theory of ice dimbing is simple: 
Between the ax and the hammer and the 
front claws on your right and left feet, 
you have four points with which to stick 
yourself into the ice. You dimb by ad- 
vancing one point at a time, so that 
three points are in the cliff at all times. 


134 And that’s i—you, the ice, the ax, the 


hammer, the front points. All the other 
equipment you take up the face with you 
(ropes, pitons, carabiners, chocks, ice 
screws) is for safety. You don't climb by 
them and they can't keep you from fall- 
ing as you climb. In fact, unless you fall, 
none of the equipment exists, really. But 
if the system is set right, it can save you 
from dying. 

I bought a pair o£ wool knickers and 
some knee socks, because Michael said they 
would give me the greatest freedom to 
reach and stretch with my legs. I had 
heavy ski gloves and he said he guessed 
they'd be warm enough. Wool would be 
better, he said. Then he gave me some 
books on ice climbing and we went to 
dinner. Afterward, we drank some beer 
and Michael smoked heavy shag tobacco 
out of a pipe he couldn't keep lit. 

He told me that Mt, Washington, the 
prince of mountains around there, was 
first climbed in 1642, that the notches 
and ravines and knobs in the White 
Mountains are made of good solid gran- 
ite and that there are hundreds of 
climbs you can make around there in 
the summer. It isn’t Yosemite, that great 
university of difficult rock, but still, the 
Whites are a fine place to become an 
accomplished climber. Michael is 25 years 
old and he grew up in New Hamp- 
shire. He began hiking and camping 
when he was very young and says his 
time in the outdoors naturally led him to 
start climbing rocks. Then, about nine 
years ago, he started ice climbing. He said 
he didn’t think it necessarily took five 
years to guide a safe ice climb, but he 
agreed it took a while and you had to 
work at it. 

“It can be dangerous,” he said, and 
although he is not the kind of athlete 
who dwells on what can go wrong in his 
sport, he did tell me that about 90 people 
had been killed climbing Mt. Washington 
and that, for ice climbers, Huntington 
Ravine had proved a very risky place 
over the years. Dan Doody, he said, a 
member of the 1963 American assault on 
Eyerest, had returned from Nepal and 
fallen to his death two months later 
while ice climbing in Huntington Ravine. 

Michael has climbed all over America 
and in Europe. As he told me about his 
shoestring uavels and the гарар bunch 
of climbers who meet one another in all 
the climbing meccas, he reminded me of 
surfers I used to know ten years ago who 
stowed away, or hitchhiked, who sold 
everything but their boards to get to the 
big waves in some strange part of the 


world they'd heard about from other 
athlete hobos. For these guys, the purest 
dimb you сап make is barefoot and in 
shorts. No ropes, no pitons, no partners. 
Some of these guys climb at night and some 
of them wait for the worst possible condi- 
tions to make their ascents. Many of them 
have seen friends fall to their death and 
many of them have fallen from great 
heights themselves. All of them that Ihave 
read about or heard about are obsessed the 
way old mystical saints were obsessed. 

Not long ago, Yvon Chouinard, the 
great California dimber, designed a piton 
small enough to fit in hairline cracks. It’s 
not much bigger than a razor blade and 
he called it “The Realized Ultimate 
Reality Piton," because it won't hold 
much of a fall. But ultimate reality may 
not be the right name for it. On the 
mountain, you can ultimately get into 
places more incredible than any piton is 
up to. There is a story in the lore of 
mountain climbing about a 60-ycarold 
climber named Geoffrey Winthrop Young 
who once hammered two of his own 
fingers into a crack and hung by them 
till he was rescued. 

Michael likes to dimb rock walls that 
take more than a day to scale. He takes 
equipment and supplies enough for a 
week of nights and when he finishes 
a days climbing, he ties himself into a 
bivouac, a hammock of rope that sus- 
pends him overnight, like a fly that's 
been caught by a spider and hung below 
the web for storage. Michael said his 
friends kid him about how easily he 
sleeps in those net beds. I told him I 
thought you had to like being alone 
for that kind of adventure, He relit his 
pipe and a minute later he said, “Na- 
thaniel Hawthorne spent a lot of time 
around here, you know, and wrote many 
stories set in these mountains. The Great 
Stone Face is about a rock not far from 
here." Then we talked about other Haw- 
thorne stories and about Joseph Conrad, 
and when we were finished, we made 
plans to meet in the shop at nine in the 
morning. "I think we'll go over to Mt. 
Wiley and climb Standard tomorrow,” 
he said. “It'll be good practice.” 

It was eight o'clock when we left the 
restaurant and said good nipht and I 
needed a hat. I'd lost mine and had for- 
gotten to buy one while I was getting the 
knickers. I didn't want to е time on 
it in the morning, so I got into the car 
and drove about ten miles down the road 
till I found one of those ugly shopping 
centers that have a late-night drug and 
department store in them. 

I found what was left of the winter 
hats in а sale bin where they'd all been 
thrown together to make room on the 
shelves for the spring clothes. I went 
through the pile and finally picked out a 
black knit wool cap that was a little thin 
and a little small. I wasn’t going to buy 


“Wanna swing?” 


135 


PLAYBOY 


136 gotten the paragraph about the big fl 


it until I found the price tag and saw it 
cost $1.17. I liked that. I'd already spent 
over $40 on knickers alone that after- 
noon, and before that, Га spent a lot 
more expense money on equipment and 
ncidentals for this assignment. In real 
life, I can't afford to buy a $12 pair of 
jeans more than about every six months, 
and although I had it perfectly rational- 
ized that PLavnoy should rightfully buy 
me anything I needed to stay healthy 

dangerous situations, there was something 
about that dumpy liti? hat that was just 
right. I bought it, along with a couple of 
beers, and drove back to my motel. When 
1 got into the room, I stripped, took the 
zs off the hat and put it on, sat on the 
bed, opened a beer and read the ice- 
climbing books Michael had given me. 

"The first was а small paperback called 
Shades of Blue, by Peter Cole and Rick 
Wilcox. It's a guide to specific ice climbs 
in New England. It tells you how to find 
them and describes something about each 
cliff itself. It also rates the climbs for 
difficulty (easy, moderate or hard) and 
then tells you that the rating system 
doesn't mean much in ice dimbing. Be- 
cause conditions are everything. А mod- 
crate ice climb can become a hard 
ice dimb in about 20 minutes on a bad 
day. 

"There is no way that safety can. be 
overemphasized in ice dimbing,” 1 read. 
“Just think of all the potentially danger- 
ous implements you will be holding on to 
if you happen to take a fall" That 
stopped me. I had my crampons, the ax 
and the hammer in a pile near the bed. 
I counted the points: 12 on cach cram- 
pon, three on the ax, one on the hammer. 
Twenty-cight ways to slash yourself. That 
cared me worse th ng else I'd 
read or heard about ice climbing. 

I flipped to the chapter on the Frank- 
enstein Cliffs. Michael had told me they 
were named for a 19th Century landscape 
painter, but from the names of the climbs 
in the book, it’s clear that local imagina- 
tion remembers the monster better. There 
are routes called Fang (hard, unclimbed), 
mear (hard, first climbed winter of 1972— 
1973), Dracula (hard, first climbed winter 
of 1972-1973), Mean Miss Theater (hard, 


first ascent unknown). 

Tucked in among the ghouls, 1 found 
the climb Michael had mentioned. 
"Standard . . . moderate . . . first climbed 


nter of 1969-1970 . . . this superb ice 
climb сап be done in many ways using 
limitless variations on the entire floe, 
making the ascent easier or harder, ac- 
cording to one’s taste. It is also one of the 
first climbs to come into shape each year. 
Highly recommended.” 

Ah, yes, a practice climb, moderate, 
take it any way you want it, make it as 
difficult as you want or as easy. It sounded 
good. But only because I had already for- 


in the iceclimb rating system. 

The two other books were full of pho- 
tographs and drawings of equipment and 
techniques. There were discussions of 
how to stop yourself when you fell and 
how to judge the chances for an ava- 
lanche. There were French names for 
the ways to use the ax (poilet cane, poilet. 
rampe, poilet ramasse, poilel ancre), in- 
structions on how to set an ice screw and 
how to kick the front points into the 
П. I was almost asleep when I read a 
caption under a photograph near the end 
of a book called Jcecraft. The picture 
was a fuzzy black-and-white of a climber 
оп a gnarled-looking ice face, a lot like 
the other photos in the book, except the 
type underneath it 1, “This climber 
fell to his death on an upper pitch after 
his hammer broke.” I couldn't believe it. 
Га made it to midnight on the eve of my 
first ice climb without much real fear and 
now this author was showing me a pic- 
ture of an experienced climber who had 
died horribly because his goddamn equip- 
ment failed. It took me ап hour to get 
drowsy again, and whatever my drcams 
were, I was spared any memory of them 
when I woke up at 6:30, with my hat 
still on. 

The morning sky was gray with black 
smudges in it. I did some yoga to stretch 
my spine and my legs and my arms. 
Then I went to breakfast at a little place 
called the Blueberry Muffin. I had a high- 
nutrition, low-grease, climber's sort of 
breakfast, and then I sat and thought 
about the whole thing for a few minutes. 
І felt ready. I had my equipment, I'd 
read everything I could and I was just 
scared enough, I thought, to do a cre- 
ful, tough job on this thing, whatever it 
turned out to be. I had another glass of 
milk, put my hat on, paid my check, 
stepped out the door of the Blueberry 
Mullin, hit a very shiny patch of ice on 
the pavement and fell right on my ass. 
The way old people and litte children 
fall. It didn't hurt, but I sat there for a 
while, anyway, trying to think what a 
moment like that means. I decided it 
didn't mean anything. 

Michael and 1 met at the shop. He'd 
picked out a helmet for me and gaiters 
to keep the snow out of my boots. Then, 
while he filled a backpack with our 
equipment, 1 read the release 1 was sup- 
posed to sign. ‘Translated out of the legal 
mumbo jumbo, it said what they all sa 
“You're the only one responsible for this 
foolishness . . . you're the only one who 
believes that you're coming back alive 
and unhurt . . . we're insurance men 
and we're not betting a nickel on any of 
it... the odds are lousy . . . you can go 
only if you let us out of the game . . . 
sign here." 

About 9:30, we loaded everything into 
the van and started north for Crawford 
Notch. The sky got lower and darker. 


Then it started to snow lightly. A few 
les farther on, the road was white and 
Michacl turned on the windshield wipers. 
Neither of us said much and by the time 
we pulled off the highway onto a side 
road, if was snowing steadily. 

Tt wasn’t cold when we climbed out of 
the van and there wasn't much wind yet. 
We were close enough to the diffs that 
they towered over us. 1 looked up through 
the trees at them. Mt. Willeys ragged 
east edge, steep, uneven, with outcrop- 
pings and overhangs and slides and gul- 
ies. And I could sce the water icc: weird 
tongues and long thin ribbons of ice, 
some of them running from the top to 
the bottom, others just short patches. We 
went 100 yards up the road and then 
turned north at the base of the cliffs and 
walked along a set of railroad tracks that 
skirts them. The rails and ties were bur- 
ied under three feet of snow and it was 
hard walking. Michael was ahead of me, 
cutting a trail, and I tried to break down 
his footprints, so that the walk would be 
a little casier on the way back. 

The woods were beautifully quiet in 
the deep snow. The calendar said it was 
spring, but the beech and birch and oak 
in there weren't feeling it yet. They were 
a month away from their first green. I 
watched for animals, but all I saw was 
two birds about the size of jays. We 
crossed a trestle and Michael pointed and 
called out the names of the roi 
were passing . . . Smear . . . Pegasus 
Ghia ... Dropline . . . A Walk in the 
Forest. After we'd walked about a mile, 
Michael stopped and said, “They call 
this ndard, because it was one of the 
first routes climbed around here" By 
then, the wind was working pretty well 
and the snow was coming down sideways. 
1 couldn't see the top of the ice face we 
were under, but the first 100 feet or so 
looked less than treacherous. 

The slope was not quite vertical. The 
ice had formed over shelves and ledges 

nd creases and slabs and bulges and 
knobs. Here and there, 1 could see an 
outcropping of bare rock. My eyes 
dimbed the easiest route they could see, 
a qooked way up the genüestlooking 
cuts and traverses, There, from the bot- 
tom, in the flat morning light, it didn't 
look so tough. But mountains are not 
climbed by eye. The whole animal has 
to come along and I was about to find 
out what that meant. 

Michael walked from the tracks up a 
30-degree slope to the spot from which 
we were going to climb and 1 followed 
him. While we were strapping the cram- 
pons to our boots, he said, "Hawthorne 
called this ‘the most desolate spot on 
earth.” 

“What, this right here?” 

"Yes," he said. “Crawford Notch.” 

He tied a strap into a bandoleer and 

(continued on page 151) 


_ EUREKA! 
TM COMING 


article 
By JOHN LOBELL 


in a major scientific 
breakthrough, research teams 
have come up with an 
astounding link between 

sex and creativity 


PICTURE A MEETING of the Joint Chiefs 
of Staff or the President's Cabinct. A 
sensuous crew at work under the table 
provides low-level stimulation, gently 
fondling, sucking and playing with pe- 
nises through open flies and vulvas under 
pulled-up skirts to ensure the liberation 
of creative problem-solving energies. 
Sounds impossible? It’s not as fantastic 
as you might think. 

After you extend, multiply, totalize 
and ultimize your orgasm, is there any- 
thing left to do with it? No? Wrong. 
Research now connects sex with the liber- 
ation of creative energies. Brain-wave 
measurements (electroencephalographs, or 


PLAYBOY 


138 


EEGs) show that what happens in the 
brain during orgasm is the same as what 
happens during creative activity. 

Since the late 1800s, we have known 
tl the right and left hemispheres of 
the brain have different functions. For 
one thing, the left hemisphere controls 
the right side of the body and the right 
hemisphere controls the left side. Experi- 
ments on people with brain damage from 
tumors or head wounds revealed that 
the left hemisphere is responsible for 
speech and writing. Interestingly, some 
people who had suffered brain damage 
to the left hemisphere could no longer 
talk, but they could sing. It was not until 
the Fifties, however, that psychologists be- 
gan to investigate seriously the functions 
of the two hemispheres. This work showed 
that the left hemisphere seems to be con- 
cerned with speech, reading, writing, nam- 
the perception of significant order 
and mathematical functions, It is wordly, 
analytical, logical. The right hemisphere 
scems to beconcerned with spatial relations, 
music, emotion, facial recognition and per- 
ception of abstract patterns. It is intuitive, 
symbolic, holistic and simultancous. In 
short: left side logical, right side creative, 

Our culture is dominated by the left 
hemisphere; that is, by rationality. There 
temporary switching over to the right 
side while doing creative work. This 
switching over provides the first due to 
the relationship of orgasm to creati 

Everyone has had experiences with a 


creative problem-solving moment, that 
flash of insight (known in psychology as 
the "Aha!" or "Eureka!" experience) 


when the whole thing clicks. You may 
have been struggling with a problem for 
hours or days when, all of « sudden, the 
answer flashes into your mind. “Of 
course! Why didn't I d 
fore?” Many people who regula 
creative problem-solving work (artists, 
writers, architects, et al.) have such ex- 
periences often and become familiar with 
what it feels like when an idea comes 
up from the subconscious and clicks. 
Some are even able to encourage the 
nd then, as it begins to surface, 
се it back down and let it stew 
round for a while before letting it up 
in for an even better click. People 
who have this experience are aware that 
it is similar to orgasm during masturba- 
tion, While masturbating, you can con 
vously stimulate yourself until you 
come, or you can play with your orgasm, 
stopping the stimulation just before you 
come, then sta after the im- 
pulse subsides, If you do this once— 
or, better, several times—the resulting 
orgasm can be fantastic. 
б 

I spoke with а photographer who 
described the parallels he feels between 
sex and photography: 

“They seem to be the same 0 


nk of that bc- 
ly do 


me, not sex and photography as art 
but sex and anything creative. It could 
be cooking. Both start with a blank can- 
vas and both can produce a cuphoric 
transcendent state. They feel the same 
psychically, too, You start unfocused, you 
have to let things happen, you can't 
force them. I set up a shooting, but then 
what happens has to come out of an inter- 
action. It’s the same in sex. I can't make 
good sex happen, it has to happen itself. 
After the sex or the shooting, there is 
that slow drifting back to the real world.” 

Actually, the relationship between sex 

nd creativity has long been known. 
Socrates described passionate love as a 
madness that is a special gift from heaven. 
"Ihis same special madness was also a 
possession of the Muses and entered the 
soul inspiring frenzy and artistic crea- 
tion. Modem psychologists describe а 
similar relationship, though often in more 
prosaic terms. Human-potential pioncer 

rl R. Rogers states that the inner con- 
ions needed for creative thought in- 
clude a lowering of psychological defenses, 
a lack of rigidity, а permeability of bound- 
aries and an openness to experience. 
Certainly, those are also prerequisites to 
good sex. In Act of Creation, Arthur 
Koestler summarizes much of what is now 
known about creativity. He describes the 
creative act as a relaxing of controls to 
reach a state in which we are indifferent 
to the rules of logic, contradiction and. 
common sense. At the decisive monent, 
we are as though in a dream, a 
manic flight, free to drift by our own emo- 
tional gravity. The parallel between this 
description of the creative act and sexual 
abandon is obvious. 

The impressionistic relationship bi 
tween creativity and orgasm is now con- 
firmed by experiments using EEG, a 
device that produces on graph paper a 
series of wavy lines representing brain 
waves. The EEG has shown that during 
creative processes, there is a shift in the 
ratio of brain-wave activity from a domi- 
nance on the left side to a dominance 
on the right side. This change in ratio 
involves an increase of alpha waves on 
the left side. Alpha м: indicate а 
quiet state or an absence of activity. The 
same shilt occurs during drug-induced 
hallucinatory states. Recent experiments 
that measured brain waves during or- 
gasm showed the same shift in ratio of 
activity over to the right side and the 
same increase of alpha waves on the 
left side. 

A team of psychologists at Rutgers 
Medical School set up a room with a 
bed where they wired subjects to an 
elaborate array of measuring devices. 
After interviewing a subject, they had 
(ог and the team’s 


rev 


is ear lobes and scalp. Next, they at- 
tached more electrodes to his chest for 
an electrocardiograph (EKG) to measure 
heartbeats, put a thin plastic tube around 
chest to measure breathing, a 
tube around his penis to measure en- 
gorgement during erection (ап infrared 
diode was attached to a diaphragm to 
measure blood flow in the women's cer- 
vices) and, finally, they put a snorkel 
in his mouth to measure the CO, being 
exhaled. They then left the subject alone 
in the room with a jar of hand cream, 
an old 8mm Linda Lovelace film and in- 
structions to go to it, while they retired 
to an adjoining room to monitor the re- 
cording of his vital functions. 
The researchers at Rutgers wanted to 
ure a variety of responses, but their 
primary interest was in brain-wave ас 
tivity. After numerous subjects had jerked 
off for science, the researchers ran the 
results through computers, applied mean 
al deviations and reached the con. 
sion that orgasm involves a shifting 
of brain-wave activity to the right side. 
These observations confirm that the 
type of altered consciousness common to 
creativity and sex—that is, heightened 
awareness, feeling of timelessness and 
exaltation—has 2 common origin in the 
right side of the brain. They 
gest that the established social order 
(associated with the left hemisphere) may 
be down on sex for the same reason 
down on drug experiences, есы 
jous experiences and 
All are right-hemispheric activities and, 
therefore, subversive to left-hcmisphere 
dominatior 
At this point, you might ask two ques- 
tions. First, just because both orgasm and 
creativity are righthemispheric activities, 
they really related? Second, if they are 
related, are there any practical benefits 
to be gained from knowing about it? The 
answers to both questions are found in 
the actual experiences of creative people. 
Artists have often had an ambivalent 
inyolvement with sex, on the one hand 
seeming to engage in more of it than 
the rest of us and, on the other ad, 
blaming it for robbing them of creative 
powers. In the movie Annie Hall, Woody 
Allen quotes Balzac as having remarked 
with each orgasm, “There goes another 
novel”; and in an interview with Paul 
Krassner, publisher of The Realist, Nor- 
man Mailer said, “If one masturbates, all 
that happens is everything that’s beauti- 
ful and good in one goes up in the hand, 
goes into the air, is lost" Mailer also 
equated masturbation with smoking and 
wrote in Advertisements for Myself about 
his struggle to quit smoking. But while 
Balzac and Mailer complained that sex 
disabled them, they both seemed capable 
(concluded on page 158) 


10 ; АРГАҮВОҮ РАР 
AMBITIONS EL 


a manhattan architects soho dig: ble as = 
a gallery for his spectacular art*collection 


COMBINING his two worlds, architec S 
ture and art collecting, New York. И] 
bachelor Hanford Yang converted Bi 
3000 square feet of loft space in Zu 
one of the Soho district's numerous 

cast-iron buildings into a multilevel 
livein showcase for his burgeoning 
collection of sculpture, paintings and 
objets d'art. Yang purposely kept the 
amount of furniture to a minimum 
(most of it is built in) in order to 
create an atmosphere of free-flowing 
openness that emphasizes the work 


4 


Architect Hanford Yang's insatiable yen for collecting fine art resulted 
in his revamping a loft space in the Manhattan Soho building at right. 
Look closely and you'll see that the structure's left wall is an immense 

trompe l'oeil designed by Yang and Richard Haas, а local artist. 


140 


of such notables as Robert Motherwell 
and Alexander Calder. Marching through 
the heart of the pad (Yang's apartment 
was formerly part of a toy factory) is a 
series of columns that “stand out like 
Greek ruins,” he says. Despite the fact 
that much of his digs is given over to 
open spaces, storage for books, records, 
stereo equipment, and so forth, is no 
problem: They're housed in a carpet- 
covered counter that doubles as a natu 
barrier, keeping visitors at good viewing 
distance from the various works of art. 

But while the majority of the apart- 
ment is devoted to the enjoyment of art 
(Yang purposely designed it with no dead 
corners, so one can see everything without 
retracing steps), there's also ample space 
for a kitchen, dining area, bedroom, mas- 
ter bath and guest powder room, all lo- 
cated in one corner. After checking out 
the pictures on these pages, we think 
you'll agree that Hanford Yang has given 
the term loft space a whole new meaning. 


Top left: Yong's smoll but comfortoble roised bedroom overlooks a dining area. A wall 
niche opposite the stairs holds а collection of Tiffony gloss. Above: At the opposite end of 
the apartment is another raised orea, this one a conversation platform where Yang has 
creoted on atmosphere of cosual тасу without sacrificing the over-all effect of 
spacious openness. The large pointing adjacent to the column is by Morris Louis. Oppo- 
site, top center: The kitchen, with its built-in stainless-steel appliances, multibulbed 
ceiling lights and warm wood-and-brick tones, is designed for no-nonsense cooking and 
storage. Opposite, below center: The elegont master both is eosy to maintain, uncluttered 
and very functional. Opposite, top right: A guest cools her heels (ond other parts) 
relaxing atop the bedroom railing at one of Yang's many porties. Right: The carpeted 
g area doubles as seating space when the guest list is unusuolly large. 


counter in the li 


THE VARGAS GIRL 


"It's a survey, darling. 
They want to know 
what you’re watching.” 


۷ SETA s 


there’s room for two Marquis de Sade, Historiettes, Contes et Fabliaux, 1787 


THERE WAS ONCE a pretty shopkeeper's 
wife who lived on the Rue Saint-Honoré. 
Plump, dimpled, 22 years old, she had 
young, delectable flesh and a shapely 
though slightly rotund body.: She en- 
hanced these ample charms with wit and 
vivacity and the most lively predilection 
for all the pleasures denied by the harsh 
laws of Hymen. 

Her husband was old and ugly. Not 
he per- 
nuptial duties as badly as he 

Had these bcen better at- 


Tormed hi 
did seldom. 
tended to, the insatiable Dolméne might 


have been placated. 

About a усаг ago, Madame Dolméne 
decided to give her husband two assist- 
ants, The rendezvous she assigned her 
two lovers ran like clockwork. Des-Roucs, 
a young officer, usually arrived at four 
and stayed till five, while Dolbreuse, a 
young merchant with the sweetest face 
you could imagine, came from 5:30 till 
Seven. 

It was impossible to find other oppor- 
tunities; this was the only time Madame 
Dolmene had to herself. In the morning, 
she had to work in the shop. In the ev 
ning, her husband returned home to talk 
about business. 

Actually, Madame Dolméne had con- 
fided to a friend that rathei 
pleased with the arrangement. She mai 
tained that by passing so quickly from the 
arms of one lover into the arms of an- 
other, the flames of passion have no time 
to burn out. And one needn't be both- 
ered with getting warmed up twice. 

The charming Madame Dolméne cal- 
culated love's pleasures carefully. Indeed, 
few women have given them such delib- 
crate and diligent meditation. She con- 
cluded that it would be wasteful for a 


she was 


woman of her talents to settle for just 
one lover. 

As far as her reputation was concerned, 
it was all one and the same: One lover 
covered for the other; people were apt to 
be mistaken and believe that the same 
one merely came and went several times 
a day. Yet what a diflerence the second. 
lover made! 

Certain that her husband would never 
be foolish enough to ruin her figure, 
Madame Dolméne was understandably 
worried about becoming pregnant. But, 
with the logic of a physician, she rea- 
soned she ran far less of the dreaded risk. 
with two lovers, for their seeds would. 
surely counteract. 

One day, the established order of the 
rendezvous broke down and our two pa 


mours, who until then had never laid 
eyes on cach other, were soon to make 
acquaintance. As we shall see presently, 


this proved agreeable to all concerned. 
Des-Roues, who first, arrived behind 
time and, as fate would have it, Dolbreuse 
came somewhat early. 

The perspicacious reader will see at 
once the consequences of these slight ir- 
regularities: that they would lead to an 
unfortunate, if inevitable, encounter. 
‘This encounter did, indeed, come to pass. 

But allow me to tell you how it oc 
curred, kind reader, and, if possible, to 
do so with all the decency and circum- 
spection that a subject already so licen- 
tious demands. 

Now, on a peculiar whim—and, after 
all, men have so many—our young officer 
found himself bored with the role of lover 
and wished this once to play the role of 
mistress. Rather than be amorously re- 
ceived in the arms of his goddess, he 
longed to embrace her instead. To be 
more succinct, that which is usually on 


Ribald Classic 


the bottom he put on top, and vice versa. 
‘This exchange left Madame Dolméne 
arched over the sacrificial altar, Madame 
Dolméne, naked as the Callipygian Ve- 
nus, straddling her lover. 

Facing the portal of the chamber 
which these rites were being enacted was 
tke hindermost part of the Callipygian 
Venus, the part that the Greeks wor- 
shiped with such devotion, the lovely 
posterior, which, without turning to the. 
ant past, has so many adherents il 


today. 
This was her position when the un- 
suspecting Dolbreuse, humming softly. 


arrived on the scene. Unaccustomed to 
knocking, he entered and came face to 
fesse with what no selkrespecting мота 
so they say, should bare in public. 

The sight would no doubt have de- 
lighted many, but Dolbreuse recoiled 
with indignation. 

“What do I se he cried. “Perfidious 
woman, is that all you've left me? 
ow, there are зо tuations di 
which a woman does far better to act 
than to reason. Madame Dolméne, in 
precisely such a situation, resolved to re- 
pay the affront. 

“What the devil is wrong with you! 
she blurted to the second Adonis, without 
slackening in the least with the first. 
“Why are you making such a fuss? Di 
turb us not, dear friend, and accommo- 
date yoursell with whats left, You can 
see, I'm sure, there's room for two.” 

Dolbreuse could not keep from laugh- 
ing at his mistress’ sang-froid. He con- 
cluded that the simplest thing to do 
would be to follow her advice. Nor did 
he wait for a second invitation. 

It seems that the affair worked to ever 


ES oars 
—Retold by Steven Raichlen EB 


ILLUSTRATION BY BRAD HOLLAND 


143 


THE 1378 


CARS THAT CC 
YOUR FAITH If 


If you feel that car companies 
aren't building cars the way they 
used to, we've got news for you. 

Youre not alone. 

A national poll shows that 64% 
of the American people think the 
quality of new cars has declined in 
the past ten years. 

In the face of this loss of con- 
fidence in new cars, we confidently 
introduce our new Volvos. 

You see, another national survey 
shows that people who bought new 
Volvos were happier than people 
who bought new Impalas, Sevilles, 
LTDs, Cutlasses, Regals, Cordobas 
and 42 other cars from G.M., Ford, 
Chrysler and AMC? 

Volvo owners gave their cars 


higher ratings on all kinds of things. 


The quality of workmanship, 
both inside and out. Interior room- 
iness and comfort (Volvo owners, 
in fact, gave higher ratings to their 
cars comfort than Cadillac owners 
gave to Cadillacs). Maneuverability 


"Survey conducted among owners of new cars bought in May. 1977. “Suggested retail pri 


and ease of steering. Safety. And 
value for the money. 

If these are the kinds of things 
you've been searching for in a car, 
come and look at a Volvo. This 
year, there are more than ever to 
look at. 

You can choose a 2-door or 
4-door sedan, or a 5-door wagon. 
From either our Volvo 240 series. 
Or from our luxurious series of 
Volvo 260s. 

Or, for a more personal level of 
performance, the Volvo 242 GT 
sports sedan. 

For those who demand uncom- 
promised elegance in a car, we offer 
the new Volvo 262 C. A limited 
edition Volvo designed in collab- 
oration with the master Italian 
designer, Bertone. 

Volvos start at $6,645: 

Which may sound like a lot. 
Until you realize you get something 
very important for the money. 

A car you can believe in. 


ice РОЗЕ. local taxes,dealer preparation. delivery charges and Lambda Send” units additional. 


VOLVOS. 
ULD RESTORE 
I CARS. 


“VOLVO. A CAR YOU CAN BELIEVE IN. ^ 


GOING TO 
NEW LENGTHS 


the latest crop of video-ca. 
machines is adding AU 
tv fun by offering uj 
four hours of r 


A time 


TV JUNKIES who have purchased video re- 
corders have had one big gripe; the cassettes 
came in only two lengths of 30 and 60 
minutes, which meant if there was a four- 
AM. showing of The Maltese Falcon, you 
had to haul yourself out of bed to change 
cartridges, Thats now old news: Manufac- 
turers of video-cassette.ecorders have dou- 
bled -their u tape-times to two hours (RCA. | 
has a four-hour tape) and one manufacturer, 
Sony, this spring will begif™marketing a 
three-hour tape, which when combined with 
Sony’s optional changer, will allow two tapes 
to be mounted for unattended recording— 
you'll eventually have the capability of pre- 
serving six/hours of air time without having 
to go near your machine. Furthermore, all 
the units being introduced are more com. 
pact and so simple to operate that they're 
practically child's play. However, the cur- 
rent crop of X-rated cassettes and home 
movies people are showing on their own 
small screens is strictly adult fare. 


The Great Time Machine, from Quasar, features a two-hour re- 
cording capacity and the capability of making multiple unot- 
tended recordings with an optional programable timer. Another 
option, a black-and-white camera with built-in microphone, 
lets you record yaur own TV home movies. The basic unit 


15 $995, programable timer, $49.95, camera/mike, $299.95. 
EIE 


JVC's Vidstor VHS deck is опе of the smallest and lightest of 
the VTR units naw on the market; it measures 17 7$" wide, 13 Ya” 
deep, 51%,” high-end weighs in at only 29.7 pounds. 
Included on it ore all the standard features, and cassettes can 
be hod in half-hour lengths, $11.95, cs well as one hour, 
$15.95, and two hours, $19.95. Price: $1280, including timer. 


. ц 
Sony's Betomox 51-8200 connects to a stondard TV ond can 
record one TV show while another, on the oir at the same time, 
is watched; the video cassettes—which are as thin as a poper- 
back baok—come in twa lengths, one hour, $12.45, and two 
hours, $16.95 (three hours soon). Из operating controls are 
ümilor to o tape recorder's. The price: $1300, including timer. 


SelectoVision is RCA's entry into the VIR sweepstakes; activote 
the built-in digital clock/timer and you'll automatically record 
up to four hours of unattended air time—and if you monitor the 
recording personolly, there's o remote pause control for elimi- 
nating commercials. Cassettes for two and four hours are $17.95 
‘and $24.95, respectively. The unit: $1000, including timer. 


148 


MY PLACE FOR A LITTLE 
MUFF DIVING © 


7,4 


== 
5 Jeezus! 
| DON'T 
BELIEUE TALS. 
ше 


OK, THIS Time /ZL JUMP 
FIRST ANO TH 


The Kinky Report 


LAYING DOWN 

ON THE ТОВ AGAIN, 
EH, DOCTOR 
BERTRAND? 


ING ANYMORE... 


t IM TELLING YOU, 
IN TH’ DOGHOUSE BOWSER, ME AND ETHEL 
AGIN, BOSS? AREN'T COMMUNICAT- 


TAKE OUT THE i \ 
А Н W EVER SINCE 


GARBAGE, EH?! Br ) ERE 


WON'T SUBMIT 
TO MY WHIMS, EH?! 


“ITS A DOGS LIFE A TOUCH OF Z 
ALL RIGHT, BOSS. [[ courvoisier, Boss? di spony... YOUVE RE- Boss IVE RUN UP RCAINST 
DECOR ЕГ A FEW CARNIVOROUS 
PL Qui MTCHI 0 
i a BITCHES IN MY DAY! 
ALWAYS HAVE 


1 BELIEVE 1 а 
SHALL, BOWSER, / HAD IMPECCABLE 


JUST THIS 


YOU VILL CRAWL MIT 
CONVINCING HUMILITY! 


ZEY SHOULD 


А 3 ES Й be GASSED 
YOU MIC CRINGE FOR OUR ON DREARY TASKS UND 


ЛЕКИН ЧИДЕ | о- Y 2% AMUSEMENT! HAF DEIR BOTHERSOME 
A "VEENIES" REMOVED! 


= OR PUT TO VORK 


150 


IT WASN'T LONG BEFORE THE THIN VENEER OF 
ROMANCE WORE DOWN TO REVEAL ITSELF FOR TH’ 
ILLUSION IT WAS. THE LAST 1 HEARD, HILDEGARDE 

WAS MANAGING A MOVIE THEATER IN CLEVELAND! 


WELL...NOT 
EXACTLY! 


PERHAPS, IF 1 ТООК 
AFIRMER STAND, 
ETHEL WOULD SHAPE UP! 


CARE FOR 
A ENGLISH 


D 
М 
~ 
OHIO 15 MUCH MORE 
OPEN TO FASCISM 
THAN IT USED TO ВЕ! 
2 TTY. 
ETHEL JOINED TH’ POLICE 1 HATE TO BE THE ONE AS MUCH AS IT IT SEEMS TO ME THAT 
FORCE BECAUSE HER LIFE TO TELL YOU THIS, PAINS ME, BOSS, YOU SHOULD GO BACK TO 
WITH YOU HAS BECOME BOSS, BUT TH’ REPULSIVE- 1 JUDGE YOUR ETHEL ON YOUR KNEES 
A HOLLOW MOCKERY! NESS OF YOUR PERSONAL CHARACTER BEGGING HER FORGIVENESS! 
HABITS 1S MATCHED TO BE BILIOUS 
ONLY BY YOUR AND VILE! 
PERSONALITY! 


YOURE RIGHT, 

ОЕ COURSE, 
BOWSER, YOU. 
‚ ALWAYS ARE! 


ITS MY 


DUTY TO HONOR THE ЕП ШМ АБЫ: TO 
‘SACRAMENT OF MATRIMONY HEL АМР REOPEN 1 DONT WANT 
BY OVERCOMING MY RINT aee To COMMUNICATE: 
WN FLAWED l T 
CHARACTER! PEOPLE JUST DONT 


COMMUNICATE ENOUGH 
THESE DAYS! 


TH BOSS 
MAY HAVE A 


j GELATINOUS 
SPINE. 
BUT HE SURE IS A 
BARREL OF LAUGHS! 


THE EDGE 2... 


“My arms instinctively muscled up and pulled me 
as flat as I would go against the ice.” 


when he'd strung with ice screws, 
pitons and carabiners (large, zero-shaped 
metal clips), he hung it across his chest, 
where he could reach them easily. Then 
he said, “Let me explain the system to 
you. I want to get climbing as soon as 
we can.” He was looking up the face at 
the wind, which had begun to whip up 
wicked little eddies in the sparkling pow- 
der that covered the ice. He talked me 
through the system of belay: 
to put it in place. We cach wi 
nylon sashes around and around our 
stomachs and chests and tied them with 
a water knot. Then he tied a nylon strap 
around a tree two feet behind me and, 
with a carabiner, hooked me to it. He 
tied one end of the nylon climbing rope 
to his sash, the other end to mine and 
left the 150 feet of slack in a loose pile 
оп the snow between us. He was going 
to climb up 50 feet, he said, place an 
ice screw and run the rope through a 
carabiner that was hooked to its eye. From. 
that point on, if he fell, the screw 
and І and the wee І м: nchored to 
would keep him from hitting the bot- 
tom. Then he would climb until he had 
used most of the length of the rope, stop, 
drive another ice screw and anchor him- 
self to it solidly enough that he could 
stop any fall I might take. Then 1 would 
unhook from the tree and he would take 
up the slack while 1 dimbed. It was my 
job as second climber to dean the face of 
pitons and ice screws as 1 passed them on 
the way up. When I reached him on the 
wall, at the end of the pitch, the process 
would be repeated, so that one of us 
would alw nchored while the other 
Ч he would yell "On 
it was time for me to climb. 
" as he started to climb. 
He also said he would yell if he were fall- 
ing or if there were an avalanche, and 
he 1 I should do the same. Then he 
demonstrated a half-dozen ice tech- 
niques Га seen in the book and called 
them by thei 

"Ready?" he said. 

1 adjusted my hat. It was already wet 
and had started to stretch. E rolled it all 
the down over my forehead and 
my cars. 

“Wait a minute,” I said. "I forgot my 
helmet.’ 
It's all right,” he said. Then he started 
dimbing. 

He swung his ax in a smooth arc and 
set it in the ice as high as he could reach. 
He kicked the front points of his left 
hoot into the wall three feet up, and then 


he stood up оп that leg and drove the 
hammer in. Then he set the right front 
points and stood on them. He worked 
the ax back and forth till it came loose; 
then he swung it again, advanced his left 


foot, then his hammer, then his right 
Toot. 
I stood there, paying out the rope, 


watching him ascend. He looked like 
careful monkey. His progress was steady 
and strong and smooth. Now and then, 
he let the hammer hang by the si 
his wrist, so that he could use his hand 
to brush away the snow that covered and 
hid the ice. Sometimes he kicked more 
than once to get the front points in 
solidly. 

None of what he was doing looked 
very difficult from where I stood, which 
just goes to show again that point of view 
is everything and that what you can't 
see in this life is mportant 
you can. I was watching a master of thi: 
thing and, like all masters, his real skills 
were invisible. 

The wind got higher and I started to 
feel the cold in my feet and on the k 
of my ned. I stomped around and 
watched. Michael as he stopped now and 
then to wait for a long, heavy gust of 
wind to pass over him so that he could 
see what he was doing. When he was 50 
or 60 feet up, he got а good solid pu 
chase, unhooked an ice screw from his 
bandoleer and carefully hammered and 
then turned it until all six inches of it 
were in the ice. Then he strung the rope 
through the screw eye and kept climbing. 

When he reached the limit of the rope, 
he stopped. He was about 100 feet up on 
a small ledge, beneath an overhang. He 
wedged a chock and a nut into a crack 
in the exposed rock behind his head, 
hooked himself to them, got a good stance 
and then yelled down, “On belay.” I 
unhooked the carabiner that anchored 
me to the tree, took the strap off the 
trunk and hung it around my neck, and 
then I moved to the base of the cliff and 
yelled back, “OI belay . . . I'm climbing. 

I took my first swing with the ax and 
it felt good going in. It stuck a couple 
of inches deep and when I pulled, 
didn't move. I lifted my knee as high 
I could and kicked my right points in. 
That didn't feel as solid. I pulled my foot 
icked ара but it felt the 
same ... tenuous. I decided this was the 
time to test it, while I still had nowhere to 
fall, so I pulled on the ax, stepped up onto 
the front points and, in the same motion, 
1 drove the hammer into the wall as high 


and as deep as I could. Then, using my 
arms to hold the weight, I kicked my left 
toe in. I hung there for a minute, trying 
to feel the genius of the tools. The ax 
and the hammer felt as if they were grow- 
ing out of the mountain. I let the muscles 
in my arms Joosen and my weight shifted 
down onto the front points. That 
feel safe at all and it put terrific pr 
оп my calves. I leaned forward again and 
pulled with my arms, so that they could 
take the load back. It felt much better. 

I could see Michael above me and the 
rope leading down from him over the 
route | was going 1o climb. Now and 
then, I could feel a small tug as he made 
sure he had the slack. I was three feet 
off the ground and 1 thought to myself, 
This is possible . .. not easy . .. but 
possible. I had to wrench the ax around 
pretty good to get it out and when 1 set 
in at the limit of my reach, it had 
that good base-hit fecling. Then I yanked 
at the hammer. Nothing. I twisted it, 
levered it and yanked n. It was in 
€ a fishhook. 1 horsed it back aud forth 
and finally, in an angry jerk that broke a 
lot of ice, I got it out. My arm was weak 
with the effort and my hand was already 
getting cold and stiff. When I swung the 
hammer . it twisted out of my grip 
when it hit the ice and hung by its strap. 
Michael had said my hands would prob- 
ably get cold, because while you climb, 
they are always above the level of your 
heart, It seemed too soon for them to be 
as cold as they were, but there was noth- 
ing to do about it. The wind was getting 
worse. I needed to get going. I set my 
hammer on the second try and for the 
next 20 minutes I climbed frantically on 
а burst of energy that 1 shouldn't have 
squandered 

Michael had cut two small steps on the 
wall just below the first ice screw, so that 
1 would have a good toe hold from which 
to work. By the time I stood up into 
them, I was exhausted. I bellied up 
against the ice and tried to get my breath. 
Then I looked down for the first time. I 
was only 50 feet up and it scared the hell 
out of me. Fifty feet down the hard, 
shiny gullies, over the bumps and out 
crops to the frozen base of an ice cliff 
like this one is enough to kill you and 
you don't need any experience to know 
that. My whole body knew it and my 
arms instinctively muscled up and pulled 
me as flat as I would go against the ice. 
And that was thé moment my adrenaline 
came up. My hands and my feet wer 
almost numb. The muscles in my 15 
and across my chest ached. I started to 
talk to myself out loud. Michacl couldn't 
hear me. He was too far above me, 
place 1 wasn't sure 1 was going to reach, 
a place I couldn't even see sometimes 
because of the blowing snowstorm. I w 
alone. Much more alone than Га е: 
pected to be, in the middle of a job that 


ina 


151 


PLAYBOY 


152 


hadn't needed doing at all before I 
started it and that now necded doing like 
nothing I'd ever done before. 

“Don't look down, don't look down,” 
I told myself. “There's no going down 
now . . . be more dangerous than going 
up at this point . . . goddamn hands . . . 
come back . . . warm up." I hung by my 
forearms and clapped my hands for a 
few seconds. It was useless. “They're 
gone,” I said. “They're not coming 
back . . . get used to it .. . pull the ham- 
mer out ... ош out out you miserable 
son of a bitch . . . all right, put the pick 
of the hammer into the суе of the screw 
and turn . . . that's it, tangle the god- 
damn strap . . . nothing can be easy . 
oh shit, that's it, you can't even see no 
A big gust of wind blew a cloud of pow- 
der around my head, into my eyes and 
up my nose. Everything whited out. “God- 
damned wind . . . there had to be killer 
wind . . . put the screw on your strap and 
climb, stupid . .. you can't be out here too 
much longer . . . now, move... go... 
just do it, you pathetic fucking dilet- 
tante.” 

I swung the hammer and when it bit, 
my hand caught between the ice and the 
handle and it hurt all the way up my 


arm. I swore, then I moaned, then I told 
myself out loud, “All right, you're going 
up this thing with pain - . . you can cry 
and scream and curse or not cry and not 
scream and not curse . . _ it doesn't make 
any difference . . . don't pay any att 
tion . . . stop all this thinking and clim 

I went after the ice as if I'd come to 
wreck it. I hacked and scrambled and 
kicked and swore at myself and the 
mountain. Every stroke, every step I took 
was wild with panic. When my hands 
got too numb to grip the handles of the 
ax and the hammer anymore, 1 hung by 
the straps and dragged myself up that 
way. The wind was making me stop 
morc and more and it was full of wet 
snow. My beard was frozen stiff. My feet 
had broken through their pain and were 
senseless stumps. Everything I could feel 
ached. All the pieces of me were strug- 
gling with one another for blood and 
oxygen and adrenaline. Then I came to a 
bulge in the wall. Like a huge icy stomach 
over my head. I craned my neck back to 
look at it and my hat, which fit like a 
salad bowl by now, slid down over my 
eyes. Something in me wanted to laugh, 
but I didn't, because something else in me 
more powerful than my sense of humor 


“We're perfectly matched, Miss 
Goldstein. You're looking for a father figure and 
I, in turn, wish to get laid." 


recognized that the absurd isn't always 
funny. I was hanging with all my weight 
through the ax and hammer straps and 
there was no way to get a hand free to 
do anything. 1 leaned forward with my 
head and tried to scrape the hat back out 
of my eyes with my forearm. It moved a 
crooked inch, giving me vision out of 
one eye that lasted till I swung the ham- 
mer again and the hat fell back like 
heavy wool eyelids. And if there was а 
single moment my mind shattered. like 
old ice, that was it. I whined, like an ugly 
child whines. I almost wept. I went into 
a litany of hate and rage . . . against 
Michael for bringing me onto this moun- 
tain .. . against the editors who paid my 
way against the guy who put that 
macabre photo in the ice book of the 
man whose hammer broke . . . against 
old enemies who began to show up in my 
head, laughing, as if they'd predicted this 
moment for me .. . against Nathanicl 
Hawthorne .. . what did he know of 
desolate places? Had he hung from these 
cliffs like a rat on an oily barrel cast 
overboard into a stormy sea? 

It was useless jabber, all of it, and as 
I pur the ax and the hammer into the 
bulge and started climbing again, it got 
. Hallway over the bump, I tried 
ick my left front points in, mised 
and jerked my right foot and my hammer 
out with the same move. I didn't fall. I 
just hung there by the strap on my 
and I gave up. No way up and no way 
down. My hat in my eyes and my spirit 
gone. Michacl couldn't sce me. I could 
hear him yelling, but the wind was loud 
and cold and 1 couldn't hear the words. 
It didn't matter. The ugly movie in my 
head started throwing up failures of 
mine, from childhood all the way up to 
that pitiful moment there on the ice. 1 
deserved everything, all of it, I told my- 
self. It was simply a matter of karma— 
for stupidity, weakness and a life lived 
badly, 1 deserved to fall off this moun- 
tain. АП of it felt like the kind of mad- 
ness that probably precedes death and is 
probably the worst part of dying. 

Then something happened that I had 
never felt before. My body took over. My 
mind went on entertaining 2 bizarre col- 
lection of hopeless images, but my body 
wouldn't have it. With that much adren- 
aline in my blood stream, my body finally 
reared up with a will of its own and said 
to the intellect, "I'm getting out of this 
thing one way or another and you're 
coming with me." Then my brain was a 
kilo of meat in a bone cup being hauled 
up that cliff by an animal of incredible 
strength and endurance, an animal who 
listens to only one voice, an ancient 
voice, saying only one thing: "Survive 
this" There are no feats o[ courage or 
strength or macho in that state. There 
are no French names for what you are 
doing and there is no reason for any of 


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153 


PLAYBOY 


There is no rope, there are no pitons 
or ice screws. The climber above you is 
an illusion. You are nothing to the ice 
but a warm moment that passes quickly, 
desperately, and is gone. The mountain 
doesn't care. 

My moves from there were not grace- 
ful or sure, or careful or strong, but they 
did the job. I climbed the 75 feet to 
Michael without stopping, with my hat 
my eyes, with no feeling in my hands 
or my feet, through a storm, while a 
symphony of dementia played in my 
weak mind. By the time 1 pulled myself 
up onto the ledge, I was still crazy with 
id, “Good effort," and 
ked him with my hamm 
told him, "Em exhausted, 
I'm in pain, I can't see a goddamn thing, 
1 сапт feel my fingers or my toes, 1 can't 
hear you for the wind and I am fucking 
terrified that 1 am going to fall off this 
cliff and die. 

"Don't worry а 
"Em in a very soli 
you fall, I can catch you. In fa 
solid enough to pull you up if you 
wouble. Thats what 1 was ус 


Instead, 1 


bout falling," he said. 
position up here. И 
t, Im 


' I told him. “I 


n screaming about an avalanche, or 
t you were falling, or anything." 
Then I said, "I have to rest. Em hanging 
by the straps on my ax and hammer be- 
use I can't close my hands 
Well, stay here till you wa 
said. 
yest isn’t that bad. And if you climb with 
your legs, your hands won't get so cold. 
Lont pull so much with your 
Stand on your front points and push your 
weight up with your legs. Use your arms 
to steady yourself.” 

1 don't trust the front points,” I told 
him. “They keep popping out. And 1 
don't trust the rope. While 1 was climb- 
ing, you and that rope didn’t ex 

You won't trust the system completely 
till you fall" he said. 

“I don't want to fall" 1 
even two [eei 

Alter about f 


c minutes my hands 
started to come back, and with the feel- 
ing came that fi 1. It doc: 
long, but it’s magnificent while it does. 
T swore and stamped my feet on the nar- 
row shelf, 1 banged my hands against the 
ice. dapped them, cradled them in my 
armpits, and I moaned. By the time the 
pain passed, I had some sense back. Not 
much, but tle sense is a lot more 


‘That's the hardest thing I've ever 
done in my life,” I said. 
"The storm isn't helping.” he said. 

We stood without talking for another 
five minutes. We were about 150 feet up, 
with just enough room to stand fat- 
footed. Every time I shifted my feet, 


154 chunks of ice and snow took the long fall 


d landed without noise at the bottom 
of the face. 

"Do you like to look down?” I asked. 
“1 looked down while I was climbing 
and it broke my heart.” 

“I like to look down when I'm in con- 
wol of а climb,” Michael told me, "or 
when I've made it to the top. The best 
Teeling, really, is standing at the bottom, 
looking up. alter а tough ascent, saying 
to yourself, ‘I climbed that’ " 

“How are we going to get down?" I 
asked. 

“We'll walk,” he said. “When we get 
10 the top, we'll hike across through the 
trees to a slope we can walk down.” 

How far is it to the top?" 

“Two more pitches.” he said, "We'd 
heuer get going before this storm gets 
any worse.” Then he unhooked from the 
chor strap and I hooked into 
“TIL cut more steps for you on this 
pitch," he said. * 
be able to he: 
€ the rope a couple of tugs when 
Fm on belay, then you can start climb- 
ing. And if you get in trouble, you tug 
on the rope and ГЇЇ pull you up.” 

No, you won't haul me up this mo 
tain, І thought to myself. Not until Im 
limp. And then I knew my arrogant 
brain was back in charge. I was only 
moments from the worst sustained temor 


of my life and already demon pride was 
creeping back, I thought all that stuff had. 
died in me while 1 was hanging there in 


the wind and the fear. Turncd out it was 
just numb, like my fingers. 

Almost mediately after Michael 
started to climb, I was alone again. I 
watched as he pulled himself up through 
а be ful ice tunnel, and then he 
gone. I couldn't see how steep or difficult 
the pitch was going to be. But I could 
feel Michael climbing through the rope E 
was paying out. His progress was slow 
d when it stopped now and then, I 
imagined him cutting steps. While I 
waited, I looked around for the first time. 
I was above the bare tops of the trees. 
There were moments when І could see 
the half mile across the notch to the icy 
cliffs on the other side, but mostly the 
storm washed out the view. The flakes 
were heavy and thick, not falling but 
riding the fast wind south, as if they 
were late for something. 

Desolate isn't quite the right word, I 
thought. It’s too passive, too quiet a word 
for this place. Then I heard myselfi— 
wrestling with Hawthorne over vocab- 
u ——and I said out loud, “Is that it? 
You came up here in your red knee sod 
d your $1.17 hat to get shitty with N; 
thaniel Hawthorne over a word? Did you 
climb this ice for the right word? And if 
you pet it, will you take it back, hang it 
on your woodshed door and tell your 
friends it’s just a little nicer than the one 
оте shot in this same forest?” 

It was the kind of game I play when 
I am safe at home among my own words, 


at my own word machine (as I am right 
now). Up there, when I saw that the 
slack at my feet was gone, then felt 
hael tugging the signal on the rope, 
all words became tits on a boar again. I 
undipped from the anchor strap and felt 
the айг ine surge. I knocked the chock 
and the nut out of the crack they were 
in, strung them around my neck and 
started to climb, 

I moved up and into the ice tunnel 
without much trouble. Then I climbed 
up through the huge ice stalagmites that 
formed it and out the other side. From 
there I could see most of the pitch ahead 
of me, but I still couldn't see Michael, 
who was somewhere out of sight above 
me. I began climbing with my legs and 
1 could feel the differen My left leg 
shook when I put all my weight on i 
and the front points didn't [cel any more 
secure than they had before; but after 
ten minutes, I could feel that my hands 
weren't getting cold the way they had. 
At one point, I had to traverse the 
face for about ten feet and as 1 worked 
myself sideways like a crab, it occurred 
to me that 2 wrong whack with either 
the ax or the hammer could chop the 
rope in two. I tried to slow down, but the 
wind kept gusting in my face. 1 wasn't 
sure how long my hands would stay warm 
or how long my head would stay together, 
so I decided to go with my scramble and 
hack till I couldn't anymore. I was still 
frightened, but the panic of the first 
pitch was gone. I began to notice the ice. 
Some of it was white, some of 

nd some of it was pale yellow. It was 

translucent in some spots, transparent in 
others. Sometimes when I hit it with the 
hammer, it would star, then shatter and 
send the shards fyi plate glass. 
Other times, the blade hit and stuck as 
solidly as if it had been driyen into the 
trunk of a big old oak. 

Michael had cut more steps for me in the 
difficult spots, as he said he would. It wa 
ys good when 1 found them, but 
they weren't much use. Michael. 
had made them to fit himself and the 
reach between them was too long and 
bold for me to use. So I cut a few for 
myself and, as I did, 1 thought how in- 
tensely personal сусту climb must be. 
Under the right conditions, you could 
ake it an inch at a time if you want 
ed to, carve a stairway an old woman 
could use if the weather wasn’t ir 
blow you off the mountain. But it w 
I gave up on the chopping and climbed 
by my claws again. Still without grace, or 
pleasure, or a sense of accomplishment, 
but steadily. I stopped only once on that 
second pitch. 1 removed ап ice screw, I 
rested, | took inventory: Hands still 
warm and working, feet numb but no 
pain, legs weak, arms shaky but better 
than before. When I reached Michael 
where he crouched on another small shelf 
about 200 feet up, I told him I felt pretty 


"I'm terribly sorry! I thought I was undressing you mentally!” 


155 


PLAYBOY 


156 


good. “The ice was yellow back there,” I 
said. 
“It's from minerals in the rock,” he 


told me. “The white and the gray ice 
have snow mixed in and the blue ice is 
full of water.” 

Michael went off belay almost imme- 
diately after I reached him. He went 
across the cliff for a few yards, and then 
he made a move I'd seen only from 
spiders before. He was under another 
bulge, with his right front points in the 
ice just below it. Then he swung his left 
leg up till it looked like it was going to 
pop out of his hip, drove the front points 
in and then slowly, amazingly, he stood 
straight up on the points and gained four 
fect. He beat the whole thing in one 
move and a minute later he was out of 
sight again. After about 30 minutes, I felt 
a couple of tugs on the rope. I removed 
the belay and started across the cliff awk- 
wardly. [ dropped my hammer and caught 
it by the strap. When I took an angry 
swing to set it again, my front points 
came out and left me hanging by two 
arms this time. It didn't scare me the way 
it had before. I knew the ax and the 
hammer would hold me till I got things 
back together, but I didn't want to look 
down. I kicked four or five times with my 


right front points and when they wouldn't 
go in, I looked down through my arms 
to see what I was doing. What I got was 
a view of the bottom and the taste of 
adrenaline in my mouth. I looked away 
and told myself it wasn't over yet. Then 
І muscled and blasted my way up over 
the bulge. It tired me badly. I did a 15- 
foot dead vertical very slowly and then 
pulled myself onto the almost fiat top of 
a huge knob. I lay there, trying to get my 
breath, looking at the ice. It was blue— 
aqua, really—a delicate pastel shade, not 
a winter color, something from the South 
Seas where the deep water mects the 
shallow water, not blue, not green, both, 
and very beautiful. 

I dimbed another 20 minutes, another 
50 feet, and then I saw Michacl sitting 
among small trees. 

“You made it,” he said. 

I said, “Yes,” between heavy breaths, 
but there was no feeling of elation. May- 
be I was too tired. maybe I was still in 
some kind of shock or maybe I was fcel- 
ing embarrassed for the first time about 
how badly I had underestimated the 
whole bold business of ice climbing. And 
there was that noisome little kid who had 
sprung on me with all his cheap despair 
and whining in that first panicked pitch. 


“Well, Sydney, twelve years of suffering is enough. 
Today you're ready for a major breakthrough.” 


I hadn't come facc to face with that 
pathetic wretch for years and I guess I'd 
begun to believe that I'd grown out of 
him. Standing there at the top, I knew 
he'd always be with me, waiting in there 
for our next hard hour to jump up and 
cry that we were doomed, that he couldn't 
do it. 

How high are we?” I asked. 

bout three fifty," Michael said. 

I looked down at what we had climbed. 
“Amazing,” I said. Then I promised my- 
self I'd never do it again. 

We slogged across the mountain 
through knee-deep snow and when Mi 
chael found the spot he was looking for, 
we sat and slid down the slope on our 
asses. When we were standing on the 
railroad tracks again, I looked at my 
watch for the first time. From the bottom 
to the top had taken us almost four 
hours. 

When we got to the base of Standard 
while Michael packed the equipment, 1 
looked up the face and said to myself, “1 
climbed that,” but there was no special 
feeling to it. Just an ache across my 
shoulders and a numbness where my fect 
should have been. 

On the walk back along the snow- 
covered tracks, I watched the wind form: 
"ing delicate little cornices on the drifts 
and I thought, Man is nothing out here. 
The footprints we'd made in the desp 
snow on our way in were gone. In four 
hours, the storm had cleaned the woods 
of any sign that we had ever been there. 

In the van, on our way back to North 
Conway, we were quict. Our beards 
started to melt, my fingers tingled and 
my cheeks burned. After a while, I said, 
“Thank you for that experience.” 

“You're welcome," Michael said. 

“But I don’t want any more,” I told 
him. “It beat me bad down there on that 
fist pitch. I don't need any more.” 

“You mean you don't want to do the 
ravine tomorrow? 

“No,” I said. “It's going to take me a 
week to warm up and get the fear off me." 

Оп the way into the shop to drop olt 
our equipment, I ran into a young 
climber named Brian. We'd talked the 
y before about ice climbing- 

How'd you do?" he asked me. 

"It destroyed me” 1 told him. “I 
couldn't feel my hands, І still can’t feel 
my feet, I discovered I’m a fool and a 
coward and I've never had such terror in 
my life.” 
unds like a good ice climb," he said. 
What? 

Happens to me all the time. That's 
what it’s about,” he 5 

I stood there in my wet knickers and 
my stupid hat, shaking my head, trying 
to resist the idea that trouble and danger 
are worth anything by themselves, But 
they are. I'm much too proud of the toe 
Isull can't feel. 

Е 


THEFT 
SELLING IMPORT 
IN JAPAN. 


PLAYBOY 


158 


EUREKA! TM COMING oes 


“During sexual stimulation, solutions came quicker, 
drawings were sharper and ideas were clearer.” 


of enormous creative output. 

Freudians furthered the negative cor- 
relation between sex and art through 
their theory that art is a release of neu- 
rotically repressed sexual energy. Cure the 
neurosis and no more art. One study of 
Vincent van Gogh described his painting 
as a sublimated form of masturbation 
that satisfied not only his phallic creative 
strivings but also his repressed anal drives 
through playing with the messy, smelly 
paints. Freud himself was ambivalent 
about this approach, though he did apply 
it to Leonardo da Vinci in a controversial 
book. Tod all but diehard orthodox 
Freudians have abandoned the theory of 
art as sublimated sex. In fact, far from 
being disruptive to the creative process, 
there is much evidence that sex enhances 
it, Many artists and writers admit that 
sex or masturbation is an integral part 
of their creative pattern. 

І interviewed ап architect who had 
not only observed the connection be- 
tween masturbation and the release of 
creative energy but also conducted some 
interesting, if informal, experiments to 
test that relationship. In his work, he has 
become sensitive to his own creative proc- 
ess and frequently uses the technique 
described at the outset of this article (i.e. 
to let ideas come up near the surface of 


his mind and then to press them back 
down into the subconscious to come up a 
second or a third time before letting them 
click). He has also observed the similarity 
between this experience and masturbating 
and has wondered what would happen 


if he linked the two. 
The architect asked several of his stu- 
dents to participate їп experiments. 


They equipped a studio with slide and 
film projectors. erotic and pornographic 
films, sound and recording equipment, 
biofeedback equipment and the best ap- 
proximation of а sensory-deprivation 
chamber they could construct. They took 
xcursions to sex shops and X-rated the- 
aters, explored the ейсаз on their work 
of viewing erotic films and monitored 
th reactions with the biofeedback 
equipment. But the most interesting part 
of their experiments was the investi 
tion of the effects of low-level sexual stim- 
ulation on creativity. 

They set up a series of design problems 
and then rigged up a drawing table so 
that a woman could work solving the 
problems on a continuous roll of paper. 
While she worked, a relay of men was 
under the table gently eating into her, 
eful to keep the stimulation light 
enough so that she wouldn't come: 20 
minutes of drawing with stimulation, 20 


“Look, Suzanne . . . when you married me, you 
knew I was a diplomatic courier!” 


minutes without, etc. Then the class ana- 
lyzed the work. There were incredible 
differences. During sexual stimulation, 
solutions came quicker, drawings were 
sharper and ideas were clearer. They got 
the same results with а man solving the 
problems while the women stimulated 
him, and the experiment was repeated 
several times with members of both sexe: 
always with substantial improvements in 
the work except for gaps of a half minute 
or so at the point of actual orgasm. 

"The architect summarized his findings: 

“A good architect or other creative 
worker will have a profound flash once 
every several months. You wait for that 
moment and spend the rest of the time 
working out that one insight. With these 
sexual techniques, you can learn to get 
that kind of creative insight whenever 
you need it. The real commodity in the 
world today isn't oil, it isn’t capital, it's 
creative thought. Stamford, the Hudson 
Institute, the Illinois Institute of Tech- 
nology, the Trilateral Commission—they 
Ш deal in ideas, 
t's only a matter of time,” he con- 
tinued. "Within ten years, every board 


room, every intelligence agency, every 
think tank in the country will be using 
these techniques. There's no way they 


can get around it, The results are too 
spectacula." 

"These techniques are not available 
only to artists and people who work for 
think t They are also available to 
doctors, engincers, mechanics, students— 
to everybody. Unlike drugs or computers, 
they require no special connections and 
no money. Finding the right woman or 
man may not always be easy, but mastur- 
bation is available to anyone, any tim 
And sexual stimulation can put you 
touch with the resources of the right cere- 
bral hemisphere—intuition, emotional 
openness, the enjoyment of music and 
the ability to spontaneously size people 
up- 

Our scenario of the meeting of ihe 
Joint Chiefs of Staff ог the President's 
Cabinet may, in the near future, no 
longer be fantasy, In fact, these tech- 
niques could also be used for intema- 
tional conferences to put heads of state 
in touch with their righthemispheric 
functions, thus de ing their reliance 
on linear rational logic and its military 
consequences and opening them to il 
more in e and, it’s hoped, peaceful 
sides. G. L. n The Book of Sex 
ual World Records, writes of 
empress who had heads of state give her 
hcad. Any puritanical resistance to sex 
stimulation for creative release will quick- 
ly be overcome by national competi 
We landed men on the moon for fe 
Russians might do it first. Surcly, we will 
manage to open some flies under the 
conference table to assure a world lead 
in creative thought. 


TIPS ON KEEPING YOUR LIFESTYLE IN HIGH GEAR 


Playboy’s Pipeline 


DETROIT IRON TURNS INTO GOLD 


The American car has never changed so 
much, in so short a time, as it has in the 
years we're living through right now. 
What headline writers have called The 
Big Shrink started officially with the 1977 
model year and will continue for three 
or four more years, until all our cars are 
smaller, lighter and more economical. 

You know why this is happening. It 
started when the Arabs turned off the oil 
tap back in 1973 and we all lined up for 
gas, and it’s been kept going by Federal 
laws that demand better and better fuel 
economy, beginning with the "785. 

You may realize that a big change is 
under way, but you may not have thought 
through all its implications. One of them 
is that instant classics are being created 
as an older generation of larger and more 
generously built cars is being replaced by 
the new lighter models. All around us 
are the cars we'll look back on, in just a 
few years, with fond memories and a 
murmured “They don’t build ‘em like 
that anymore.” Many of these are cars 
worth keeping, both for personal enjoy 
ment and for possible financial gain as 
their value starts to turn up again with 
increasing age and rarity. Let's sce if we 
can put together a morning line on the 
cars that will rate our special attention. 


BIG CARS AND CONVERTIBLES 


As cars get smaller, todays largest 
models will have great nostalgic appeal. 
Everyone will have his favorite make and 
model, but two cars stand out. One is the 
соз Continental, which is still on the 
market in 78. It's one of the handsomest 
and best big cars, a classic for any season. 
The other is the last Chrysler Imperial 
of 1974 and 1975, with its vertical waterfall 
grille. 

Although the last of the convertibles, 
the Cadillac Eldorados, are the ones that 
got all the publicity, convertibles of any 
make will be in great future demand. 
They're rare, sporty and interesting, and 
that adds up to classic value. 


PERSONAL LUXURY CARS 

Designed in their own day to have 
strong individualistic appeal, the per- 
sonal luxury cars will be fayorites for 
future collectors, too. One of them has 
already been slashed in size and weight, 
and that’s the Lincoln Mark. That adds 
value to the earlier models, especially to 
the magnificent Continental Mark IV, 


which was built from 1972 through 1976. 
The Mark Ш. of years 1968-1971, is 
only slightly less interesting. 

M.'s front-drive cars—the Olds Tor- 
illac Eldorado—will 
be ones to . So will the Buick 
Riviera, especially the flamboyant boat- 
tailed car made from 1971 through 1973. 
Often ridiculed in its day, this will be 
one of the great classic cars of the future, 
because it was so defiantly different from 
all its contemporaries. 


INTERMEDIATES. 


The intermediates as a whole are a 
“soft” investment; someday most will be 


interesting as such but no 
more, But there are a few that will stand 
in the spotlight. 

One such outstanding intermediate re- 
ns in production today. It's the sleck, 
lined American Motors Matador 
coupe, the design introduced in 1074. 
Another special intermediate that will 
always draw attention is Chevy's Chevelle 
Laguna S-3 coupe of 1975 and 1976, with 
its sloped nose to improve its aerodynam- 
ics for stock-car racing. 

‘Two ranges of intermediates of recent 
years also jump up from the ruck. One is 
the Pontiac Grand Am series, the coupe 
and the sedan, introduced in 1973 and 
built for three seasons. The other is the 
Ford Gran Torino line of 1972. It came 
out that year with a good-looking oval 
grille and shapely nose, a "face" that 
was pushed flat the following year to suit 
new Federal bumper laws. 


de 


PERSONAL CARS 


Closely linked to the intermediates are 
the very popular personal cars built on 
the same chassis. Especially at General 
Motors, these cars have been sharply 
changed for 1978. They make their prede 
cessors fantastically desirable. One such 
is the Pontiac Grand Pri: Efficient 
though it may be, the '78 Grand Prix is 
weak tea, indeed, next to all carlicr 
models. The same is true of the Chevrolet 
Monte Carlo. The new one won't stand 
comparison with the deservedly popular 
Monte Carlo of 1973 through 1977, one 
of the creations of John DeLorean while 
he was running Chevy. 

Although not yet replaced by smaller 
machines, Chryslers personal cars meet 
our qualifications. Chrysler's most. inter- 
esting vehicles in years are its Cordoba, 
starting in 1975 and continuing until its 
unrews 1978 face lifting, and its 
Dodge Charger SE of similar design. And 
theres a Ford sleeper in this class: the 
Elite, which had a model lifetime of only 
two and a half years, starting in mid-1974 


SPORTY CARS 


The first of the down-sized cars, and a 
true precedent setter, was Ford's Mustang 
II of 1974. Now in the shadows, some- 
what discredited, the biggest-ever Mu: 
tangs of 1971—1973 have been made more 
desirable by the smaller "74 model. The 
same goes for its sister at another divi- 
sion, the Mercury Cougar of those same 
years, even though it was replaced by a 
still larger Cougar. 

Collectors will be looking for those 
sporty cars that were dropped alter the 
1974 model year, as the fuel short 
age eroded their market. Among these are 
the Dodge Challenger, the Plymouth 
Barracuda and the Javelin, which 
had an espe sting Dick Teague 
style in its last four model years. 

G.M. hasn't yet quite decided how it 
will shrink the Chevrolet Camaro and the 
Pontiac Firebird. When it does, the post- 
1970 models of both will take on added 
luster, especially the Z-28, the Trans Am 
and the Camaros built before the heavy 
front bumpers were added in 1974. 

Will the era of the down-sized car 
create some new classics of its own? 
We've already seen the first one in the 
Cadillac Seville. That's as good a sign as 
we can ask for the future of the American 
car. —KARL LUDVIGSEN 


159 


©1977 R. J. Reynolds Tobacco Ca. р ——À à $ KING: 19 mg. “tar”, 12 mg. nicotine 
100°: 19 mg. "tar". 13 mg. nicotine, 
av. per cigarette, FTC Report AUG. '77. 


ranythi 
` less than taste. | 


4 Alot of Gigarettes ED ND taster 


/ But for me, only one cigarette delivers. Winston. | { 
{ I get real taste and real pleasure every time I light up. 
c Lwortt settle for less. Would you? 


Warning: The Surgeon Gi 
That Cigarette Smoking | 


TIPS ON KEEPING YOUR LIFESTYLE IN HIGH GEAR 


THE SAFE-DEPOSIT-BOX SCORE 


BOX POPULI 


Are you making the best use of your 
safe-deposit box? Today, there are more 
than 19,000.000 lockboxes rented by the 
public. Yet many of those millions who 
rent strongboxes—which basically offer 
the advantage of protection, coupled 
with privacy and exclusive control—are 
unaware of what should and should not 
be placed in them, whether they should 
be held in one name or two and why 
the purchase of insurance protection for 
their contents should be considered. 

The origins of safe deposit can be 
traced to andent Greece, where the 
priests of the temples often received 
valuables from their owners for safe- 
kceping. The modern concept of indi- 
vidual boxes with dualcontrol locks 
within a community vault, however, dates 
back to 1865, when the first safe ii 
company opened for business in 
United States. 

With safedeposit boxes so ubiqui- 
tous today, consumers generally have no 
trouble finding one at a convenient lo- 
cation and at a moderate price, from 
$5 a ycar for the smallest to $75 а year 
for the largest. But questions arise when 
it comes to some of the particulars of 
actual usage. 

What should you put in a safedeposit 
box? Common sense should apply. Julian 
S. Bush, professor of estate planning at 
Columbia Law School and a partner in 
the New York law firm of Shea, Gould, 
Climenko & Casey, puts it this way: 

“The things to keep in a safe-deposit 
box are generally articles of intrinsic 
yaluc. The things not to keep there are 
documents that are needed in a hurry 
when the owner dies.” 

The major reason for that distinction 
is that, normally, when a person who 
rents a box dies, it is sealed by the bank 
until appropriate and sometimes time- 
consuming legal procedures are taken to 
allow someone else access. Bankers and 
tax authorities both try to keep track of 
deaths in their area to prevent the im- 
proper withdrawal of items by a deputy 
or agent who had been authorized by 
the owner to open his box. 


OPEN-AND-SHUT CASES 


Every state has a different regulation 
governing the opening of a safe-deposit 
box if necessary to find the original will 
of the owner, so it is important to know 


what will happen in your state when 
the will is kept in the box. Thus, a box 
registered jointly in the names of a 
husband and wife can be opened by the 
survivor when one party dics in Pennsyl- 
vania, while the survivor who opens the 
box without proper authorization in New 
York is committing a misdemeanor. In 
Virginia, even а box listed in а single 
name can be opened for a will search 
by the next of kin. 

Unless you are certain, therefore, that 
the will in your safe-deposit box сап 
be reached easily in the event of death, 
its proper location is a safe place at home 


or in the vault of your lawyer, executor 
or accountant. Similarly, cemetery deeds, 
burial instructions and life insurance pol- 
icies should also be accessible when most 
necded—after your death. 

Most experts in the field also agree 
that large amounts of cash do not belong 
in a lockbox. Federal and state taxing 
authorities are likely to assume that such 
funds represent unreported income there- 
by placing a burden on the heirs of the 


` owner to prove otherwise. 


In contrast, useful personal papers— 
such as birth and marriage certificates, 
militaryservice papers and citizenship 
documents—are among the items that 
should be in a safe-deposit box. So should 
valuables such as jewelry, rare coins and 
stamps and family heirlooms. Origi 
signed family and business documents, 
induding deeds, trust agreements, con- 
tracts and court decrees, belong in the 
box. And securities ought to be kept 


there, since, for one thing, they represent 
“earning assets" and ensure that the cost of 
the box is tax deductible. 


SINGLE BLISS 


Although there is a difference of opin- 
ion among financial advisors as to whether 
a couple should rent a joint safe-deposit 
box or put the ownership in just one 
of the individuals names, the prevalent 
view is that a single name would gen- 
erally be better. In many states, such an 
action establishes the presumption that 
all property in the box mot registered. 
jointly belongs solely to the renter—a 
desirable presumption in most instance 
Since state laws differ regarding entry 
into the box by others in the eyent of the 
death or incapacity of the box owner, 
possible problems generally can be a- 
voided by designating a deputy and 
giving him or her one of the two keys 
allotted to a box owner. 

Even with your valuables stored in a 
safe-depo: box, the possibility exists 
that the material in the box can be 
stolen. The odds are slim that such an 
event could occur because of banks’ 
elaborate security and protection systems, 
of course, but there have been thefts 
from vaults. 

There is no clear-cut answer as to who 
is liable when а safedeposit box is 
burglarized—those who offer the boxes 
or those who use them—since, again, 
state laws vary. Whatever the state, 
though, banks usually assert that as long 
as they exercise reasonable care in safe- 
guarding the contents of a box, they are 
relieved of any further liability. 

Some users of boxes have contested 
that assertion when faced with a loss 
and have successfully sued for negli 
gence, breach of warranty and bad faith 
in protecting property. But one veteran 
insurance man points out that “negli- 
gence is established in а court of Jaw 
and litigation is expensive.” As a result. 
he advises consideration of special safe 
deposit-box insurance. 

A final tip: You should know exactly 
what is contained in your safe-deposit 
box in case a problem erupts. Make a 
check list on a plain sheet of paper or 
оп one of the forms provided by in- 
surers, recording all major items in the 
box and their serial numbers, if appro 
priate. And be sure to keep this record at 
home—not in the box. —LEONARD SLOANE 


151 


Vitamin loss. Classic in flu. 


When your body reacts to the stress of flu, it 
increases the rate at which it uses up many kinds 
of nutrients, including vitamins. From a balanced 
daily diet, your body can store up most nutrients for 
such emergency use. However, there are certain 
vitamins the body can't stockpile, no matter how 
much you take in. Here s why. 

Water-soluble vs. fat-soluble vitamins. Your body 
absorbs two kinds of vitamins from the food you 
eat. fat-soluble and water-soluble. The fat-soluble 
vitamins are accumulated in substantial reserves їп 
body tissues. But this is not true of the water-soluble 
vitamins, В complex and С. and daily replacement 
through proper diet is considered necessary even 
when you re well. When your vitamin needs are 
increased by the stress of infection. immediate 
supplementation of the water-soluble vitamins, 

B complex and C may be indicated. 

Why many doctors recommend STRESSTABS 

600 High Potency Stress Formula Vitamins. When 
the diet is inadequate. STRESSTABS 600 can help 
you avoid a vitamin deficiency by replacing the 


B and C vitamins lost during stress conditions 

such as flu. STRESSTABS 600 can satisfy 
above-normal needs for these vitamins by providing 
above-normal amounts: 600 mg. of vitamin C plus 
ahigh potency formula of the B complex vitamins. 
STRESSTABS 600 also contains vitamin E. Also 
available: New STRESSTABS 600 with Iron. 

Talk to the experts about STRESSTABS 600. Ask 
your doctor or pharmacist about this different 
brand of vitamin. Available at your drug store. іп 
bottles of 30 or 60 tablets. 

STRESSTABS 600 won t cure the flu. but it can help. 
you maintain the good nutritional balance you 

need to fight back 


STRESSTABS 600 and STRESSTABS 600 with Iron 
are products of Lederle Laboratories. 


Stresstabs 600 


High Potency Stress Formula Vitamins озен 


TIPS ON KEEPING YOUR LIFESTYLE IN HIGH GEAR 


Playboy’s Pipeline 


HOW HAUTE THE CUISINE? 


RESTAURANT VERISIMILITUDE 


It looked like a Norman Rockwell rendi- 
tion of an elegant New England inn, 
standing there in the snowy Massachu- 
setts evening. Inside, they brought us 
generous drinks and asked if we'd like 
to stay for dinner. 

The menu, chalked by hand onto a 
blackboard above the bar, was at least 
a dozen items long: chicken Kiev, floun 
der stuffed with crab meat, veal parmi- 
giana, golden-brown shrimps, prime rib 
аи jus, coq au vin, veal cordon bleu, 
tournedos of beef tenderloin. 

It sounded as if we had made a real 
find. But we knew better. We finished 
our drinks and departed without eating 
because we knew that the entrees, or 
most of them, were plastic impostor 
concoctions that had been cooked some- 
where else, sealed in plastic pouches 
and flash-frozen and shipped to this 
quaint old inn, where they were stored 
in a freezer until someone ordered them, 
at which time they were run through a 
microwave oven (or suspended briefly in 
boiling water) to warm them up. 

The chances are good, and getting 
betier, that when you eat out, you're 
going to consume food packaged and 
prepared in that manner. Some for 
instances: 

Meats that once were cooked in a 
restaurants kitchen are now processed, 
cooked and frozen in some faraway warc- 
house and then sold to the restaurant, 
whose kitchen may consist of little more 
than a pot of boiling water or a micro- 
wave oven and, ре a machine that. 
imprints "char-broiled" hickies on the 
meat. International Multifoods offers 
precooked roast beef “with or without 
au jus.” 

Your mashed potatoes are likely to 
come from a Taterjet, which looks like 


а hot-chocolate dispenser and which ејаси- 


lates measured quantities of instant pota- 
toes onto your plate. The gravy almost 
certainly comes from a can, where it 
has a shelf life of about a year. 

(In fact, almost everything wet comes 
from a сап: “ready-toserve aged-cheddar- 
cheese sauce artificially flavored," hol- 
landaise sauce, white sauce, the au jus 
for your roast beef.) And for your baked 
potato, there's Hy-Derv, a “cultured 
sour dressing,” which, its manufacturer 
claims, is “better” and "lasts days longer" 
than real sour cream. 


Your onion rings may have come from 
Moore's Food Products, where they were 
“made from diced sweet Spanish onions, 
seasoned and formed into uniform rings.” 
Another term often used by the food in- 
dustry is “extruded,” meaning to chop 
up something and force it into a shape 
that resembles what you think you're pay- 
ing for. The sound you just heard was 
Brillat-Savarin twirling in his grave. 


SEAFOOD SLEIGHT OF HAND 
The worst comes when you walk into 
a seafood restaurant. There, the shrimps 
are likely to be manufactured ("Tiny 


select shrimps are seasoned and extruded 
into plump, juicy, uniform crescent 
shapes,” then precooked and quick-frozen, 
according to one ad in a food house or- 
gan—but you can bet it doesn't say all 
that on the menu), and the dams are 
likely to be even stranger: Old Salt Sea- 
food Company boasts that its Clammos 
Jumbo Fried Clams are “diced clams, 
shaped into strips and breaded.” 
Speaking of bread: If you go to a 
restaurant that claims “home-baked” or 
"own-baked" loaves of bread, served hot 
on litle platters with litle 
knives, you might well be eating a 
Bridgford Demi-Loaf. I was at sudi a 
restaurant in South Carolina not long 
ago and got the owner to acknowledge 
that the bread was manufactured by the 
Bridgford people a continent away, in 
Anaheim, California, the home of Mickey 
Mouse and Donald Duck, and shipped, 
frozen, to the “little woman's" kitchen. 


wooden 


And then there's the Gourmegg. That 
is what its mommy, the Ralston Purina 
Company, calls a “frozen hard-cooked cgg- 
roll product" which is 13 inches long 
and normal egg diameter. It would rup- 
ture the chicken that tried to lay it A 
Ralston spokesman explained that the 
company separates egg whites from egg 
yolks and then "re-forms" them into a 
cylinder—yolk inside, albumen out—that 
looks, when sliced, like a section of hard- 
cooked egg. 


DINING DEFENSES 


So how do you protect yourself from 
eating foods of that sort? It may be 
impossible, since the practice is so wide- 
spread. But there are some precautions 
a prudent diner might take 

Avoid eating at places, such as the 
aforementioned New England inn, that 
offer more dishes, and more elaborate 
ones, than the size and popularity of 
the place warrant 

Unles you're dining at a place with 
such a reputation that discovery of fak- 
ery would ruin the chef professionally 
(and there still are such places), be leery 
of anything said to be frog legs and any- 
thing daiming to be stuffed with crab 
meat. Watch out for coquilles Saint- 
Jacques, anything cooked in a paper bag 
and that omnipresent plastic favori 
chicken Kiev. 
rget about help from the federales. 
The Food and Drug Administration has 
the authority and duty to regulate inter- 
state “truth in menu" matters, just as it 
has strict rules about what goes on super- 
market food labels, but, according to one 
of its spokeswomen, "I'm afraid that we 
just don't enforce” the I 

Don't count on the industry to engage 
in any self-policing. A spokesman for the 
National Restaurant Association said it 
was the N.R.A/s position that menus 
shouldn't engage in "any direct misrep- 
resentation” but also that "we do not 
feel that a menu is a legal document.” 

When you buy a meal in a restaurant, 
said the spokesman, you're buying 
total package,” only one part of which 
is the food. If somebody picked up a 
menu and were to read all about what 
goes into a cheese sandwich, he wouldn't 
be interested in buying the cheese 
sandwich. 

Precisely. 


r 


— FRED POWLEDGE 


163 


WHY MOST CRITICS USE 
MAXELL TAPE TO EVALUATE 
TAPE RECORDERS. 


Any critic who wants to 
do a completely fair and 
impartial test of a tape re- 
corder is very fussy about 
the tape he uses. 

Because a flawed tape 
can lead to some very mis- 
leading results. 

A tape that can't cover 
the full audio spectrum 
can keep a recorder from 
ever reaching its full 
potential. 

A tape thats noisy 
makes it hard to measure 
how quiet the recorder is. 

A tape that doesn't 
have a wide enough bias 
latitude can make you , 
question the bias settings. 


And a tape that doesn't 
sound consistently the 
same, from-end to end, 
from tape to tape, can 
make you question the 
stability of the electronics. 

If a cassette or 8-track 
jams, it can suggest some 
nasty, but erroneous com- 
ments about the drive 
mechanism. 

And if a cassette or 
8-track introduces wow 
and flutter, its apt to pro- 
duce some test results that 
anyone can argue with. 

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Maxell cassette, 8-track and 
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sure it doesn't have the 


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problems that plague other 
tapes. 

So its not surprising that 
most critics end up with our . 
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Its one way to guaran- 
tee the equipment will get 
a fair hearing. 

FOR 


Maxell Corporotion of America, 130 West Commercial Ave., Moonochie, N.J. 07074 


TIPS ON KEEPING YOUR LIFESTYLE IN HIGH GEAR 


Playboy’s Pipeline 


CHECKING OUT YOUR HI-FI 


TURNTABLE TIME 


Conducting some simple periodic checks 
on your stereo rig will help things run 
better and will alert you to trouble before 
it becomes serious. 

Start with the turntable, Is it still level 
(assuming you had made it so when in- 
stalled)? Check it by placing a small 
spirit level on the platter. Rotate the 
platter to get four readings (north, east, 
south, west). Correct for any nonleveling 
by adjusting the fcet of the base (if pro- 
vided) or by wedging cardboard snips 
under the base as needed. 

Next, check the balance of the arm 
and the correct vertical-tracking force for 
your pickup. Follow the instructions fur- 
nished with your unit. If in doubt, get a 
small V.T.F. gauge from any hi-fi dealer 
for a buck or зо. 

Clean the stylus, using a small brush— 
lightly moistened—and whisking gently 
from back to front (never sideways). Very 
gently, remove any crud accumulated be- 
tween the stylus cantileyer and the under- 
side of the cartridge body—this is an arca 
often neglected by stereo owners and a 
glob of dirt here can impede the action 
of the stylus in tracking a record groove. 

You probably have been cleaning your 
records; but when did you last clean the 
surface of the turntable? А moistened 
sofenap lindess pad will do. Finally, 
check turntable speed—this is easy if 
your unit has a built-in strobe indicator 
and fine-speed adjustment. If you cannot 
adjust for true speed, either your line 
voltage is way off (check with the power 
company) or the motor and/or transmis- 
ion under the turntable may be on the 
verge of something serious (check with a 
local service shop). 

These checks should be made at least 
twice a year. The cleaning should be 
done fairly often, depending on how 
much you use your equipment. As for 
stylus inspection (for wear of the tiny 
tip), once a year is a safe bet. And for 
this, you must get the stylus under a 
high-powered microscope (find a dealer 
who has one or send the stylus back to the 
manufacturer). 


DECK CHECK 


For a tape deck, the most important 
thing you can do is keep the heads clean. 
Again, follow the directives spelled out 
in the owner's manual. Almost any com- 
mercial head cleaner (cither a liquid and 


applicator or а special cleaning tape) will 
do. Most insiders allow that tape heads 
should be cleaned after every 50 hours of 
use, and then degaussed, using 2 special 
demagnetizer, after every 100 hours. 
When deaning heads, also clean the 
metal guides over which the tape passes. 
If the head-care routine does not im- 
prove a sagging high-frequency response, 
the deck may be incorrectly biased for 
the tape you are using or something may 
be amiss in its circuitry or the head(s) 
may be misaligned or in need of replace- 
ment, Which of these conditions will 
need professional servicing is going to 


depend on your expertise—or lack of it. 

For tuner, amplifiers and receivers, 
simply do the obvious to detect aurally 
any malfunction. Try all the controls to 
determine that they perform their in- 
tended chores. A bass tone control, for 
instance, that fails to boost or cut the 
lows may indicate a circuit defect that 
may be only inconveniencing you now 
but that could become a real blooper in 
a week or so. Any control that sounds 
noisy as you turn it should be cleaned 
(there are special fluids for that purpose), 
but if, after the cleaning, it remains 
noisy, it should be replaced by a qualified 
technician. 


CONTROL COUNTDOWN 
In general, it is easy to check out all 
controls, listening for telltale signs, such 
as tone adjustment, channel balance, and 
so on. For FM, specifically, note the ac- 
tion of the tuning meter or meters. IE 


they start showing significant departures 
from previous indications, the tuning 
dial may need recalibration vis-a-vis the 
turning knob (a simple chore) or the 
antenna may need reorientation (prob- 
ably a little more difficult) or the set may 
need realignment and/or s 
(strictly for the professional). The whole 
“electronic” checkout should be run about 
twice a year. 

Тһе system as a whole is strung to- 
gether, electrically speaking, via those 
shielded cables whose little plug ends fit 
into mating sockets. After some time, 
depending on the environment, these 
contacts cin develop a metallic chemical 
coating that impedes the signal flow. 
simple and effective cure is to remove 
each plug (power turned off, of course) 
and reinsert it. When doing so, also note 
and replace amy loose or broken con- 
nectors. Remember, there are two contact 
points in each connector—the signal, or 
“hot” line, and the shield, or “ground. 


WIRED IN 


Speaker-toamplifier hookups usually 
are made with insulated zip cord whose 
ends are wrapped or otherwise attached 
to screw terminals or binding posts. 
Make sure that all the strands of each 
lead are together and are making good 
contact with their intended terminal—at 
both the amplifier and the speaker. A 
single strand of wire bridging the signal 
and ground terminals of either the am- 
plifier or the speaker can cause all sorts 
of sonic mischief. To avoid this problem, 
you should "tin" the ends of the exposed. 
speaker leads. This means twisting them 
together and securing the twist with a 
small bit of solder, If your stock of per- 
sonal tools does not include a soldering 
iron, an alternate method is to fit “spade 
lugs” to the twisted ends, These small 
metal fittings cost a few cents at radio- 
supply shops and they can be slipped 
over wire ends and secured by crimp- 
ing—squeczing them tightly with a pliers. 

This over-all connector checkout 
ought to take place at least once a year, 
though one buff I know repeats it when- 
ever the house gets cleaned, since once 
an overeager vacuum-cleaner wielder 
neatly knocked off a speaker lead. It 
drove him nuts until he thought to check 
all connections. — NORMAN EISENBERG 


165 


PLAYBOY 


MEXICO niaro z 


“There are so many good restaurants in Puerto Va- 
llarta you can easily eat yourself into a new division.” 


the road to Mismaloya may suit you bet- 
ter, With barely 50 rooms and suites—the 
Posada has 250 or so—its quieter and 
more intimate, though no less luxurious. 

There are also several pleasant and in- 
expensive small hotels in central Puerto 
Vallarta. The dowager is the Rosita, built 
in the late Forties on a small beach next 
to a fishing pier on the north end of Ave- 
nida Díaz Ordaz, the main drag. There's 
a tiny pool, a good serious bar and even 
a few rooms with air conditioning. El 
Mirador down the street, Oceano near 
the plaza and the Río, deverly enough, 
by the river are three other golden old- 
ies. Their clientele is usually vacationing 
Mexicans and impoverished student 
types, which can be good fun. The traffic 
rolling by at night over those tecth- 
rattling cobblestones isn’t always part of 
but watching a Cecil B. De Mille sun- 
set from the balcony of your $12 room 
definitely is. Before we leave the wonder- 
ful world of lodging, I should add that 
for those of you who want to visit Mex- 
ico and suffer none of those nasty sur- 
prises and psychic jolts that often 
accompany foreign travel—that is to say, 
visit Mexico without being forced ac- 


CABO SAN LUCAS 


tually to set foot in it—for you, there is 
a Holiday Inn. 


‘There are so ma 
Puerto Vallarta that in a week's time you 
can easily cat yourself into a new divi- 
sion. Have as few meals as you can 
manage at your hotel. A few menus offer 
iguana, variously prepared, but seafood 
in splendid varieties is the real special- 
ty—ied snapper and oysters and dolphin 
(the fish), and such esoterica as green 
sea-turtle soup (made from a tasty van- 
ishing species) and pulpo en tinta (oc- 
topus stewed in its own ink, which seems 
rather like living to rue the day, or some 
such epigram). Langostino, a huge salt- 
water crawfish, passes for lobster in these 
parts and in winter months is just as 
good; from May through October, the 
warmer water tends to make the flesh 
mushy and they're not worth the increas- 
ingly stiff prices they fetch. 

The present napkins-down favorite 
restaurant among visitors is Carlos 
O'Brian's, facing the quay on Avenida 
Díaz Ordaz; it's so popular that every third 
or fourth person you see on the street 
seems to be wearing a Carlos O'Brian's 


You are there: Lower central west Mexico- between Mazatlan and Manzanillo on the coast, 
centering on popular Puerto Vallarta and including La Paz and Cabo San Lucas on 
166 southern Baja—is a tierra nueva for turistas, and only six hours by air from New York. 


T-shirt. It's decorated junk-shop manic— 
Dadaist clusters of phonograph records 
suspended on wires from the ceiling; 
poster-sized stats of vintage photographs, 
odd nostalgic signs and antique doodads 
all over the walls; a shotgun blast from 
the past. The service tends also to be 
slightly speedy, of the fill’em-up-move- 
'emoutrawhide school, no matter how 
warm the toothy California smiles of the 
waiters. It's considerably more like being 
in Sausalito than in Puerto Vallarta. 
House specialty, in fact, is barbecued 
chicken, beef and ribs. But the food, if 
aimed toward American tastes, is worth 
the inevitable wait and the feeling you're 
in a scene from Revenge of the Living 
Attic. 

Casablanca down the street is more 
true to its laid-back Northern California 
school. It looks at first like a slice of 
Sausalito, with natural woods and hanging 
ferns and canvas director's chairs. Except 
a couple of ocelot pelts are nailed up 
spread-cagled on rough-cut beams, just so 
no one will think Casablanca insuffi 
ly macho, like those fey vegetarian joints 
up in Marin County. If you suffer from 
sound-system withdrawal on such trips 
(1 do), Casablanca has one that will help 
and a record collection of the Eagles and 
elecric Miles Davis persuasion. And the 
service won't remind you of rush hour. 
With a two-for-one cocktail hour in the 
bar downstairs, it's my pick hit in town 
for viewing the daily extravaganza of 
sunset, Its restaurant upstairs is easily 
equal to Carlos O'Brian's, and you can 
linger over dinner at tables overlooking 
the quay. 

Another of the most popular restau- 
rants, El Set, on the highway to Mism 
loya, is so justifiably smug about its 
location that the slogan on its T-shirts 
is ANOTHER LOUSY SUNSET IN PARADISE. 
Built at the top of a cliff a couple of 
hundred feet above the beach, El Set 
commands a great CinemaScope pan of 
the entire rugged peninsula to the south, 
vast dinosaur backbone diminishing 
over miles to a dark skeletal tail point- 
ing out to sea. Narrow spaces between 
the wooden floor boards afford a novel 
view of the beach below; those leaves 
fluttering at eyelevel just beyond your 
table are the tops of tall trees. El Set 
even serves food. 


. 

Done eating? Then it must be time to 
shop. If you travel to acquire elegant 
objets d'art, you should go somewhere 
other than the jungle—but there are any 
number of ways to part with your money 
in the stores of Puerto Vallarta. My own 
taste runs toward rare, authentic native 
artifacts, so I brought home several clear- 
acrylic Puerto Vallarta key chains with 
actual dead scorpions inside and a stuffed 

(Text continues on page 170. A handy 
guide to the arca is on pages 168 and 169.) 


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168 


PUERTO VALLARTA 


А relative newcomer to the high-toned tourist scene, P.V. has 


made up for lost time without turning to plastic. Much fun to ` 


be had here, from discos to deep-sea fishing, in a variety of 
ways. Note that prices can vary and that the peso has been 
fluctuating between 20 and 26 per dollar. 


WHERE TO STAY: 


Posada Vallarta: A largish, active complex in tasteful Spanish 
Colonial style, on the best beach. Complete travel service, car 
rental, etc. Free afternoon movies. Fine poolside lunch, but 
the mediocre (and expensive) ing room can safely be 
avoided. It's our top-end pick hit in P.V. Double rooms $33- 
$36 out of season and $50-$53 during high season (De- 
cember 15 to May 2, European plan—no meals included). 

Camino Real: High-rise beauty south of town that's well-liked 
by Americans. Spectacular setting, perfect clear water. Dou- 


MANZANILLO 


A hundred and 50 miles or so down the coast from Puerto 
Vallarta, the best part about Manzanillo is getting there—ona 
daylong drive through jungle mountains wild as your dreams. 
Watch out for falling rocks and livestock on the highway and 
definitely don't do it at night. Unlike P.V., Manzanillo isn't 
geared for tourists, so don't expect any flash in town. 


WHERE TO STAY: 


Las Hadas: Here's the flash: Superior digs over a hillside that 
could beon the Riviera. Poolside bars, a marina, water-skiing, 
a fabulous nine-hole golf course, several dining rooms, etc., 
etc. Easily the fanciest place north of Acapulco. Doubles in 
season are $46-$85, plus $16 per person for two meals a day. 


PLAYBOY'S CAPSULE GUIDE TO THE MEXICAN RIVIERA 


ble roomsin season are $57.75; out of season, they're $38.90. 
Garza Blanca Club de Playa: On the highway near Camino Real 
but smaller and more exclusive than it or the Posada. Modest 
beach and pool, but muy bonito surroundings. Doubles are 
$45-$53 out of season, $53-$63 in. Chalets also available. 

Rosita: Right in town on the main drag, it caters mainly to 
vacationing Mexicans. Small bar, tiny pool and beach. Great if 
you like the real thing. And inexpensive. Doubles start at $7. 
Oceano: Ditto the Rosita, except hold the beach. Right in town, 
with an airy downstairs bar and a boutique called Demian's 
featuring some nice leatherwork. Doubles are $9 or $12, de- 


getting away from much. The orange-plastic coffee shop 
could be in Dayton, but the pool may be the biggest and best in 
the area. Doubles in season are $32, out of season, $28. 


WHERE TO EAT: 
Puerto Vallarta has more good restaurants than you can sam- 


Hotel Plaza Careyes: At Costa de Careyes, an hour or so north of 
Manzanillo. In another isolated, perfect setting, it's run by an 
Italian family that owns a goodly chunk of coast line and 
providesa gracious, friendly experience for guests. Doubles in 
season are offered only on the American plan at $72 per day. 
Club Méditerranée: Sixty miles north of Manzanillo at Playa 
Blanca. Let your libido roarand tossaway your inhibitions with 
your bathing suit. Doubles are $300-$425 per week. 

Hotel Colonial: An old hotel in the center of town that's very 
basic but cleanand inexpensive. In any season, a double room 
is about $7. Also serves some of the best food in Manzanillo. 
La Posada: At Playa Azul near the end of a strip of bungalows, 
on the bay, it's run by young Americans and usually attracts 
the same. Modest but comfortable. Bar is do-it-yourself. Dou- 
bles in all seasons are $7. 

Miramar: On the highway north of town. A real motel and 


ple in two weeks. ~ 

Carlos O'Brian's is the runaway favorite with Americans; bar- 
becue ribs, chicken and beef are specialties; the Mexican 
dishes tend tobe safely nonspicy, but there's a caramel des- 
sert too good to be true. 

Casablanca down the street also attracts Americans but has 
none of the frenetic atmosphere of O'Brian's; and the food, in 
our opinion, is better. 

EI Set, south of town, is a cliffside eyrie in a setting so gor- 
geously boggling that-you won't notice whether you liked the 
food or not. Back in town, the Mismaloya Beach offers the most 
extensive seafood menu and perhaps the best; try the риро 
en tinta if you dare. The Posada Rio Cuale, south of the river, 
is a little restaurant/hotel (with a pool the size of a Buick) 
that serves some of the best lobster in town. 


WHAT TO DO: D 


Apart from the regular water sports (snorkeling is especially 
good in [Ene marine preserve round Los Arcos; huge 918 


boulders, south of town), shopping tops most lists. There are 
silver shops and boutiques in abundance. Several carry 
Guatemalan embroidery that's a knockout. Handmade 
stonework is also a specialty in these parts, as are ceramic 
tiles (which can be found very inexpensively in ferreterias— 
hardware stores). 

iOlé! on Avenida Juarez has an impressive selection of hand- 
woven blankets, rugs and sweaters in Indian designs. Studio 
Zoo on Ignacio Vallarta features terrific anima! sculpture of 
brass and beautifully painted papier-mache. When you're 
done ЗИН, be sure to take a stroll along the quay at 
sunset. 


NIGHT LIFE: 


Consists mostly of loving the one you're with, but the bars and 
restaurants go late and there are several discos. Hottest and 
latest open these days is the City Dump. There's another called 
Cuckoo's Nest in the Casablanca, ае Holiday Inn has one 
called Leonardo's. CA 


169 


PLAYBOY 


170 


Puerto Vallarta iguana. I was tempted by 
some basketwork woven locally 
wan but decided against it in favor of 
the va-va-voom Day-Glo nude painted on 
black velvet, in the genuine white molded 
Styrofoam frame. She looks terrific under 
my black light. 

Shop after shop is filled with jewelry 
of silver and turquoise. It's probably 
cheaper im Taxco, where much of it is 
made, but, again, built 
the price. At a stall by the Río Caule, on 
three successive days, I was quoted three 
different prices for the same silver ring, 
50, 70 and 90 pesos. We finally bought 
it for 45. 

Other objects worth coveting in Puerto 
Vallarta are hand-carved stonework. Two 
or three stores deal in it exclusively, 
coffectable tops of fused polished onyx 
in Indian art nouveau checkerboard pa 
terns, carved stone-god chess sets, 
happy turtles three feet long sliced beau- 

ing layers of 
heads 


distinct 


color 
turned up inquiringly. Some of the bou- 
tiques carry skirts 
strong 


parfait, th 


nd blouses with the 
colors 


primary 


itian pri 


nitive painting and, re 


even still hip in New York. 


At 500 Avenida Juárez, Arte Taurino 
has a store called jOlé! that’s piled high 
d hung with serapes, sweaters, hand- 
woven blankets and rugs. He imports this 
handwork from nearly every state in Mex- 
ico, much of it done by Indians. His walls 
are a museum, Aztec and Mayan symbols 
and gods brought once more back to 


ife impassive abstracted lizards; a two- 
headed Rorschach тош g cell- 
like to divide: stony-faced square-headed 
fellows wearing as headdresses stylized 
fountains of feathers, rendered with sim- 
ple warmth, like pre-Columbian Disney 
cartoons. Another place worth checking 
out, if only for its museum quality 
(should you not have $1500 or so in 
pocket change to drop on trifles), is the 

Zoo on the corner of Ignacio 
ta and Francisco Madero. lt fea- 
tures large one-of-a-kind metal sculptures 
of jungle birds and animals, dreamy 
rhinos and parrots and plump scaled 
armadillos, all of them, too, with an at- 
tracting cartoonlike feel to them. They'd 


look great in your living room and put 
you only a couple of hundred pounds 


over your weight limit on the flight home. 
5 

No matter how strong your devotion 
to Consumption and The Material Way, 
after a while, all the silver jewelry begins 
to look the same, coalescing in your 
Drain into an alien metallic blob with a 
single bulging turquoise eye. And the 
prospect of another, игр, great meal con- 
jures one more blob in your gut, a round, 
heavy accrescence, pearl of enchilada. 
Thats when it’s time to go day-tripping 
into the boonies, solid and liqui 

Two hours by boat down the coast 
from Puerto Vallarta, there's an outpost 
called Yelapa, claimed from the jun 
sion boats leave for there each morn- 
nd теш late in the afternoon. If 


during a trip to 


“Thanks just the same, but I'm sitting this one out.” 


Yelapa so reminds everyone who goes 
there of the archetypal tropical retreat 
that it's almost universally described as 
looking more like Tahiti than Tahiti it- 
self—even by people who've seen the 
real thing. Th: yllic waterfall in our 
opening photos is in Yelape. There is 
also a thatched open-air restaurant called 
Lagunita that’s as good as the scenery, fea- 
turing fresh broiled fish and iguana, and 
а semihotel of the same name consisting 
of about 20 basic but pleasant hutstyle 
cottages built up the hillside. (It's so pop- 
ular, reservations should be made well in 
advance.) Except for a small Indian vil- 
lage nearby, that's it. Thrills and d 
Yelapa consist mainly of improving your 
тап and having another of whatever 
you're drinking. Most people find that 
one day there is terrific but plenty, though 
it is one of those places that tempt some 
to stop and do some serious loafing. For, 
say, six or eight month: 

^ SLOW BOAT TO BAJA: On Tuesdays 
and Saturdays at four Р.м., a ferry leaves 
Puerto Vallarta for Cabo San Lucas on 
the southern tip of Baja. The trip across 
the Sea of Cortés (now Пу called the 
Gulf of Californ takes 18 hours. The 
ferry is Ge 1 jus a few 


years old, more like a cruise ship than 
а carcarying tub. There's а bar and 
dining room, and if you rent one of 


the luxury cabins (500 pesos—about 525) 
and the company's right, well . . . how 
time flies. If you can't cram such leisurely 
pursuits into a small ion, you сап 
fly to La Paz from Mexico City, Phoenix, 
Los Angeles and Mazatlán. 

Cortes was first lured to Baja by tales 
of beautiful women there who dived for 
pearls. The stories were about half true. 


There were pearls. For the next four 
centuries, the oyster beds produced prized 


specimens, especially “black” pearls. 
Then suddenly, during the Forties, they 
shriveled up and died. 

Lately, they have begun to come back, 
but even without the pearls, there 
good reasons for the schlep—as you c 
see from our opening photos. With little 
fresh water, Baja is sparse and sparsely 
settled, the desert opposite of the wet 
jungle along the main 
t of Utah or A 


the waters 
h record- 


the Bahamas 
are so rich 
do, snook, yellowtail, 
and more—that they 
me fishermen w 


tact bigle 
visions of Guinness listings dancin 


their heads. With quite a few charters 
available, litle leaguers m so apply 
(in La Paz, пу the Jack Valez Marlin 
Fleet in the Hotel El Presidenic). 

These days, there's no need to rough 
it, La Paz, a city of 46,000, is a free port, 


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172 one on the Roadrunne 


which is to say, a magnet for cruise ships. 
To accommodate them, there are shops 
up the gazinga, with low-priced goods 
and bads from the world over, and res- 
taurants ready to take on anyone from 
vegetarians (Fernando's) to pizza lovers 
(Pizzeria La Tavola). Maybe because of 
all the day-ripping cruiseship traffic, 
which retreats back on board at night, 
there aren't any really hotshot hotels in 
La Paz, though several are very good. 
‘The A-prime wonders are down around 
smaller Cabo San Lucas, All have access 
to the Hotel 
nd free p 
Hotel Cabo 
town, is a $1,000,000 baby that’s the fa- 
vorite with fishermen. Hyatt Baja, the 
Hacienda and Solmar are all ri 


strange by c and wind, 
beach named Sunset. From there 
right s bruary and March are the. 
best months—you can watch the playful 
majestic migration of gray whales as they 
round the horn into the Sca of Cortés on 
their way to mate. 

ON THE ROAD TO MANZANILLO (WHERE 
= SPIDER MONK лу): Another їтїр 
worth taking is ‘e south from Puerto 
nearly 200 miles through the 
is to Manzanillo. Volkswagen Sa- 

" are available for rent at 
in Puerto Vallarta, converti- 
ble 48-horsepower Quonset huts that roar 
1d creep up the steep parts, so you have 
to slow down and see things whether you 


want to or not. 

‘The drive is magnificent; no less, From 
sea level at Puerto Vallarta, you climb 
on long switchbacks, following the tw 

ng course of a river backward to its 

ing. and beyond, through thick 


lavish jungle that's barely inhabited —by 
people. at any rate. Eventually, the 
dries and cools, as if you've driven from 
August into October, the foliage changes, 
from jungle snarl t cedars and oaks, and 
the road straightens out through high 
tramontane vaileys occupied by extensive 
haciendas and federal agricultural proj- 
ects; and then down again into the 
wopics, through a small dusty town or 
two, over wide shining rivers that flow 
in lazy oxbows toward the ocean, and оп 
into Manzanillo. 

The road is unblemished two-lane 
blacktop the entire way. Well, the asphalt 
itself is unblemished. During rainy season, 
when I drove it last, from the surface on 
rly lively. Parts of the 
carved like a toy shelf into 


Pacific Railroad through the California 
erras, and where the cliffs have bee 
shaved, when it ‚ these, uh, boulders 
tend sometimes to cleaye from the bosom 
of mother earth and plunge to the road 
h a splat! worthy of Wiley dropping 
Like flying the 


w 


friendly skies, odds are considerably 
against getting one in the occipital lobe; 
but they do make for crea 
say, when you round a dowr 
and find a meteorite waiting in your lane 
and a semi smoking upward in the other. 

The kinetic mi al life is only p: 
it, Cattle in varieties from su 
hulks to sleek regal Brahmas browse 
along the roadside, and seem to enjoy 
digesting their meals standing in the traf- 
fic, as do the goats and horses and pigs and 
chickens and burros. In the seeming emp- 
tiness of the jungle, they are suddenly 
there, sometimes tended by a boy of 12 or 
so on horseback, but often completely on 
their own, with no evidence of any 
people living within miles of the spot. 
The highway doub!es as a barnyard and 
is also a short cut for some wilder cousins. 
On my last ip, І saw a couple of ocelots, 
a spider monkey and a fat dead snake as 
long as my Volkswagen Hauened to two 
dimensions by passing buses and trucks— 
which is where the ravens and vultures 
come in, scattering reluctantly as you 
drive over their bulfet table. For a high- 
way with few settlements strung along it, 
there are plenty of diversions—so many, 
in fact, that it’s a good idea to do all your 
driving in daylight. 

Finally getting to Manzanillo is some- 
thing of an anticlimax. Its on a bay of 
such proportions that the Mexican navy 
has a base there, right next to the center 
of town, and offshore, giant tankers con- 
ерше at anchor. No glitter here, Man- 
zanillo doesn’t attract so many tourists 
that it mainly exists for them, as do 
Puerto Vallarta and La Paz. 

Some visitors to the area never get as 
far as town. The airport is a few miles to 
the north and their destination, Club 
ed, is an hours drive north of tha 
Another in the world-wide chain of 


X-rated summer camps for consenting 
adults, this one's like the rest. IE you 
decide to play, it capti 


ates your atten- 
ip is watching two 


tion. Especially en 
pasty busloads from Bayonne being 
greeted by lean, tinned Frenchies amid 
cries of "Mon dieu! Fresh meat! New 
blood! 

The true killer resort is Las Hadas. 
Like Club Med, but in more various 
ways, it will absorb you if you don't 
watch out, Spun along a curving bay and 
up acres of hillside, five miles north of 
Manzanillo, it is architectural hubris and 
then some, many separate buildings on 
several levels, all sculpted of white stucco, 
like sweet frangipane. Towers topped by 
stylized Mediterranean arabesques, a 
squarish futuristic row of condos like 


tomorrow's shoe boxes, a sugary Moorish 
. Us quite a 


muffin on a red-tile plate . . 
sight, like a refugee from the R 
hiding out in the back country of Mexico. 
It’s certainly a good place to do basic 
ing for the real tl 


Well on down the line from such 
splendor is the Hotel Colonial in central 
Mexico. 
agn, not France. Built in the massive 
old Colonial style, more years ago d 
anyones admitting. with an intei 
courtyard enclosed by stout pillars and 
fancy carved wooden lattices between, it’s 
the best-looking building in town and 


Manzanillo; but there you're i 


fan, and don’t expect a towel or a shower 
curtain, but for 95 pesos a head (less than 
five doli d to complain—even 
pparently stuffed. with 
goats’ feet. Two other good places at the 
more down-home end of things аге La 
Posada at Playa Azul and the Miramar 
motel. La Posada is near the end of a 
strip of bungalows and motels along the 
beach near town (including one painted 
brazen orange and named Motel New 
York). It’s run by Americans and gen- 
ly attracts the same; the bar is do-it- 
yourself. The Miramar is a mile or so 
north. It defines the word modest. but 
the owner's charming and the beach is 
nice, with a view of town to the south 
and palatial Las Hadas across the bay. 


DOWN AND OUT AND SLAPHAPPY IN SAN 
Bras: If you're not brave or crazy, you 


can skip this рап. By normal American. 
tour-book standards, San Blas may be 
one of the most miserable bited 


places in North America. The daylong 
drive there north from Puerto Vallarta is 
another gorgeous trip through mountains 
а k down to the coast; but the 
meager, moklering collection of build- 
ings and people that awaits at the end, 
slowly melting back into the jungle sur- 
rounding them, makes Manzanillo look 
like Paris. San Blas is so scedy, even tha 
connoisseur of tropical hellholes, Joseph 
Conrad himself, would probably put it 
in his top ten if he were still around. 
Unlike Puerto V e the moun- 


tains the jungle 
around San Blas meets the ocean in an 


extended low. ying soggy pla even 
soggier during rainy season, with vast 
puddles and bogs among the coco palms 
between town and the beach, All that 
standing fresh water, kept incubator 
warm by the sun, breeds mosquitoes and 
kin at a furious rate. Actually, the mos- 
quitoes are the least of it. The bug that 
made Sin Blas famous variety of 
gnat, which, on windless days and always 
after sunset, swarms in clouds and will 
get you for sure if you're wearing any- 
thing less substantial than a diving sui 
Because of the gnats, which breed chiefly 
in the puddles between the town and 
the beach values 
are reversed and the poorest precincts of 
San Blas are nearest to the beach, open 
thatched houses, where the gnats are such 
a way of life that people in the evening 
burn smudge pots on their swept dirt 
stoops and sit around them, chatting in 


“Oooooh, Donald—Pyow're freezing.” 


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the smoke; and those who walk along the 
runed roads carry rags about the size of 
dish towels, which they wave about them- 
selves in individual complex pattern: 
unconsciously, the way a horse instinc- 
tively flicks its tail, so habitual it might 
be genetic. Bars in town at that time of 
night burn low blue light bulbs of barely 
measurable wattage, hiding out from 
marauding gnats, and. poker games go on 
in the dark. 

You might well wonder why anyone 
would go there voluntarily. I first did so 
15 years ago, during a bohemian student 
summer bumming around Mexico with. 
two friends, We were nearly broke, but 
nted some sun, and heard that San 
Blas was what it still is, a cheap beach. 
Our third-class bus got in after dark, and 
we found a “rooming house” just off the 
town square. Three cots in a room barely 
big enough to hold them, for a little 
under a dollar and a half a night. It 
seemed like a bargain, at | until 
dawn, when Carol or Jef or 1, I forget 
which, woke up screaming and pointing 
at the roof of our room: 
gray light proved to be chicken wire 
shaded from the stars by a palm tee; 
and standing on it, talons clutching for 
balance, wings flapping, was a grizzled 
old rooster, announcing the day right 
over our heads lor all he was worth. 

We moved to a fancier room, with 
ceiling, in а small old hotel called Los 
Flamingos, which is still in business and 
not much changed. Its on a street lead- 
ing to the river, near the forbidding re- 
mains of a Colonial Spanish customhou 
dank rotting pillars and walls, varieties 
of moss and climbing plants lapping 
them like steady green flames. Los Fla- 
mingos is in slightly beter shape. It is 
maybe a dozen high-ceilinged rooms 
aged around an open interior comt- 
d that once was, ma 


which in first 


Fifteen years ago, it was already well on 
its toward riotous neglect, and it 
looks like no one has tampered with it 
since—when I was there a few months 
ago, it had taken over, berserk, the jun 
gle replicated inside the hotel walls. Go- 
ing with the flow, entropy in particular, 
appears to be a watchword of Los Fl 
mingos. As the owner led us to our room 
on this last visit, he explained that the 
lock on the door had been broken for 
quite some time and that the latch didn't 
work too well, einer. Then, as we 
opened the beds to air them, we flushed 
a fat gray mouse that had been snoozing 
beneath a pillow. In its alarm and con- 
fusion, it couldn't find the escape hatch 
gnawed cartoonlike in the base of one 
wall, and went zipping frantically around 
the room until we managed to herd it 
homeward bound and barricade the hole 
with books to discourage a return v 
A History of Zen Buddhism in hardb: 


did the trick. Los Flamingos is. admitted- 
ly, a place that would probably scare 
Aunt Effie, who likes Hawaii, right out 
of her polyester suit; but for threc of us 
this time overnight, the room cost 120 
pesos, about six dollars. 

There isn't what could be called a 
decent hotel in Sam Blas, so if anyth 
less comfortable than Holiday 1 
makes you tremble, you really should stay 
away. The Posada del Bucanero down the 
street from Los Flamingos may be the 
place to stay, а C minus to Los Е 
mingo D plus. In very dry seasons, when 
the gnats are absent (it does happen, 
usually in winter), the Playa Hermosa 
on the beach probably isn't terrible. 
Built 90 or so years ago as an attempted 
of Miami Beach, it's about the only 
looking building in San Blas. 
It, too, is lazily going down the tubes of 
terminal neglect, though with dignity 
nd might be passable in dry months. 
But during rainy season, like a sad castle, 
it is nearly surrounded by a moat of bogs 
and puddles. You get to the ocean 
through a swamp and buzzing gauntlets 
of bugs. Fairly depressing. But when 1 
was there last, about seven in the mom- 
ing, I stood inside the screened-in lobby 
swatting off mosquitoes, working on the 
first of many therapeutic cervezas frias, 
talking to a young New York couple who 
were on their way back from a drive 
down into darkest Cental America; and 
they assured me, as we scratched and 
swigged and swatted, that this looked quite 
nice compared with some of the sights 
ther south. 

Because paradise is funkier here than 
elsewhere, and living the good life not 
quite as comfortable, San Blas remains 
one of the cheapest places to stay along 
the coast. For that reason, it still 
a larger proportion of young Am 


attracts 
ricans, 


particularly Californians, than most. ‘The 
grubbier and more adventurous end of 
fing kingdom passes through San 

in vans coated gray with mud and 


dust; the current crop of bohemian stu 
dents, many these days wearing an illegal 
ile; leftover hippies and social fugi 
tives of all sorts who want to duck and 
hide and quit for a while. Stop. San В) 
has a strangely appealing end-ol-theworld 
quality to it, last stop on the last road 
through the last jungle. The End. You 
walk into plain bars half expecting 10 
find Bogey in a white icecream suit, 
brooding at a back table; or Rita Hay- 
worth as Sadie Thompson, sitting on a 
barstool bencath a South Pacific fan, legs 
crossed high and head thrown back, 
laughing at some bitter private joke. It's 
true Conrad county. 
is one of those 
пейда Don Juan talks about, a spot ол 
earth with a stronger spiritual pull than 
others, for no knowable reason, maybe no 


sn 


happening with San Blas. It ought to be 
awful, and I guess in many ways it is (so 
if you go and hate it, please remember 
that I warned you, and you really 
shouldn't mail me those spiders as re- 
venge). But if I am able, I'll go back 
again. 
. 

What abont the enterprise that started 
it all? The Night of the Iguana set south 
of Puerto Vallarta, Mismaloya? In the 
United States, as tribute to beginning 
the economic boom in these parts, the 
set would have been turned into a muse- 
um or some such, courtesy of the grateful 
Jaycees. But not in Mexico. These days. 
you can drive to the beach from Puerto 
Vallarta, It’s not in the same league with 
San Blas, but it’s fairly authentic. An en- 
campment of gypsies 1 i 
сп over much of the stony field behind the 

h on my last visit—many vans and 
ks and vehicles beyond description, 
ndry draped over cables tethering 
power poles, dogs and pigs everywhere — 
and had set up a small open-air movie 
nd fold- 
nation 
what sort of art films they might have been 
showing. Three days later, when I drove 
by, they were gone, vanished. There arc 
two open-air beach re: ants at Misma- 
loya, amd I suggest the one across the 
small river, even though—yes—you have 
to wade through cold mountai 
get to it, The one on the main part of the 
beach is popular with scrawny begging 
cats, ribsprung dogs and your occasional 
snullling pig. There's less trafic across 
the And the real El Set is directly 
above, up a steep hillside. You have to 
skinny through some barbed wire and 
take on a few barking dogs to get up to 
it. And when you do: The former movie 
hotel is still standing, pretty much intact. 
But most of the other buildings, not 
built as well, look worse than the Colo- 
nial ruins in San Blas, like they've been 
hit by a bomb of time instead of slow 


decay, walls and ceilings fallen back to 
nothing, jagged white support beams 


sticking up among the greenery like 
bleached broken bones, tattoos of graf 
fiti on whats left standing. It’s hardly 
a national monument. In fact, a farmer 
and his family are living in the hotel 
рап and using whatever else they can. 
Refore we got chased off by his dogs, I 
saw this: Attached to the hotel and also 
still pretty much intact are the stars’ 
cottages, the very same where Sue Lyon 
pouted and the Burtonsto-be fought it 
out, hallowed turf of sorts, if you believe 
in Hollywood. The farmer has put them 
to good use. Each one houses an individ- 
ual guest—a pig. Somehow, that they 
have come to be tailor-made pigpens 
seemed just right, a perfect Tennessee 


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HUMAN FACTOR 


(continued from page 90) 
ius Muller. "You too, what do you 
for?” 

n Van Donck 
simple man who believed in something, 
however repugnant—he was one of those 
one could forgive. What Castle could 
never bring himself to forgive this 
smooth educated officer of BOS . 5 
men of this kind—men with the educa- 
tion to know what they were 
that made a hell in heaven’ 
He thought of what 
Carsoa had so often siid to him—*Our 
worst enemies here arc not the igno- 
rant and the simple, however cruel, our 
worst enemies are the intelligent and the 


that you've In 
with al 


the Immorality А 
Lfriend of y 
of reson 
k clerk who pe 
ane custome) 


accept- 
vare that 
e you'd 


ere have you hiddei 
tain Van Donck d 
the question felt imme 


Captain Van Donck was on his feet, 
rubbing at his gold ring. He even spat 
on it. 

"hat's all right, Captain," Muller said. 


“1 will look after Mr. Castle. I won't 
lake up any more of your time. Thank 
you for all the help y given our de- 
t. D want to talk to. Mr. Castle 


When the door closed Castle found 
himself facing, as Carson would have 
. the rex] спешу. Muller went on, 
asint mind Captain Van Donck. 
t can see по further Wd 
"here are other ways of set- 
morc reasonably than a 
ich. will ruin you and not 


prosecution wi 
help и: 
"| can hear a ca" A woman's voice 
called to him out of the present. 
ih speaking to him from the 
. He went to the widow. 
А black Mercedes was edging its way up 
distinguishable commuters’ lh uss 
‘$ Road. The driver was o'viou 
ng for а number, but as и 
eral of the stre t limps h d lus d. 
“Its Mr. Muller all righ Castle 
called back, When he рш down his 
isky. be found his h; 
the glass too rigidly. 
At the sound of the bell Buller b an 
1o bà fier Castle opened the door, 
on the stranger with a 
i tion and left 
il of affectionate spittle on Cornelius 
Muller's tousers. "Nice dog, nice dog.” 
Muller said with c u io: 
The years had made a noticeable 


shal from 


change in Muller—his hair was almost 
white now and his face was far less 
smooth. He no longer looked like a 
civil servant who knew only the proper 
answers. Since they last met, something 
1 happened to him: he looked more 
human— perhaps it was that he had taken 
on with promotion greater responsibili- 
tes and with them uncertainties. and 
unanswered questions. 

‘Good evening, Mr. Castle. I'm sorry 
I'm so late. The traffic was bad in Wat- 
ford— think the place was called Wat- 
ford. 

You might almost have taken him now 
for a shy man, or perhaps it was only that 
he was at a loss without his familiar office 
and his desk of beautiful wood and the 
presence of two junior colleagues in an 
outer room, The black Mercedes slid 
away—the chaulleur had gone to find his 
dinner. Muller was on his own in a 
strange town, in a foreign land, where 
the post boxes bore the initials of a sov- 
ereign E Il, and there was no statue of 
Kruger in any market. place. 

Castle poured out two glasses of whis- 
ky. “It’s а long time since we met last," 
Muller said. 

Seven years?” 
It’s good of you to ask me to have din- 
ner at your own home 

"C thought it was the best idea. To 
break the ice. Tt seems we have to work 
closely together. On Uncle Remus.” 

Muller's cyes shifted to the telephone, 
to the lump on the table, to a vase of 
flowers. 

“Its all right. Don't worry. If we are 
bugged here it's only by my own people,” 
Castle said, "and anyway I'm pretty sure 
we are not.” He raised his glass. “To our 
last meeting. Do you remember you sug- 
gested then I might agree to work for 
you? Well, here I am. We are working 
together. Historical irony or predestina- 
tion? Your Dutch church believes in that." 

“OF course in those days I hadn't an 
idea of your real position," Muller said 
“If I'd known I wouldu't have threatened 
you about that wretched Bantu girl. I 
realise now she was only one of your 
agents. We might even have worked her 
together. But, you sce, I took you for one 
of those high-minded anti-apartheid senti 
mentalists, 1 was taken completely by sur- 
prise when your chief told me you were 
the man I was to see about Unde Remus. 
I hope you don't bear me any grudge. 
Alter all you and I are professionals, and 
we are on the same side now. 

“Yes, I suppose we are.” 

“I do wish though that you'd tell 
me—it can't matter any longer, can 
iti—how you got that Bantu girl away. 1 
suppose it was to Swaziland?” 

eee 

^I thought we had that frontier dosed 
pretty effectively—except for the real 
guerrilla experts, I never considered you 
were an expert, though 1 realised you did 
have some Communist contacts, but I 


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assumed you needed them for that book 
of yours on apartheid which was never 
published. You took me in all right 
there. Not to speak of Van Donck. You 
remember Captain Van Donck?” 

“Oh, yes. Vividly.” 

“I had to ask the Security Police for his 
demotion over your a Не acted. very 
dumsily. 1 felt sure that, if we had the 
girl safe in prison, you'd consent to work 
or us, and he let her slip. You see—don't 
laugh—1 was convinced it was a real love 
affair, Гуе known so many Englishmen 
who have started with the idea of attack- 
ing apartheid and ended trapped by us in 
a Bantu girl's bed. It's the romantic idea 
of breaking what they think is an unjust 
law that attracts them just as much as a 
black bottom. I never dreamt tke gi 
h MaNkosi, I think that was the 
name?—all the time was an agent of 
M16.” 

“She didn’t know it herself. She be- 
lieved in my book too. Have another 
whisk} 

“Thank you. E will." Castle poured out 
two glasses, gambling on his better head. 

“From all accounts she was a clever 
girl We looked pretty closely into her 
background. Been to the Afri ver 
sity in the Transvaal where Uncle Tom 
professors always produce dangerous stu- 
dents, Personally, though, I've always 
found that the cleverer the African the 
more easily he сап be turned—one way or 
another. If we'd had that girl in prison 
for a month I'm pretty sure we could 
have turned her. Well, she might hi 
been useful to both of us now in this 
Uncle Remus operation. Or would she? 
One forgets that old devil Time. By now 
she'd be getting a bit long in the tooth, 
1 suppose. Bantu women age so quickly. 
They are generally finished—anyway to 
a white taste—long before the age of 
thirty. You know, Castle, I'm really glad 
we are working together and you are not 
what we in BOSS thought—one of those 
idealistic types who want to change the 
nature of human beings. We knew the 
people you were in touch with—or most 
of them, and we knew the sort of non- 
sense they'd be telling you. But you out- 
witted us, so you certainly outwitted 
those Bai 
they too thought you were wri 
book which would serve their turn. Mind 


[rire ie а л | you, I'm not anti-African like Capt 
hee eee 25C 1 | Van Donck. I consider myself a hundred 
| сеу Че (nes I | per cent African myself.” 

1 РО. Box 2269 I Î It was certainly not the Cornelius Mul- 
| Dept. D. Hillside, N.J. 07205 1 | ler of the Pretoria office who spoke now, 
Hee | | the pale clerk doing his conformist job 
| Кате | | would never have spoken with such ease 
лате = | | and confidence, Even the shyness and the 
1 1 | uncertainty of a few minutes back had 
| бу | | gone. The whisky had cured that. He was 
1 =. 1 | now а high officer of BOSS, entrusted 
Le ш: Zip | | with а foreign mission, who took his or- 


ders from no one under the ах of 


a general. He could relax. He could be— 
an unpleasant thought—himself, and it 
scemed to Castle that he began to re- 
semble more and more closely, in the 
vulgarity and brutality of his speech, the 
Captain Van Donck whom he despised 

I've taken pleasant enough week-ends 
in Lesotho,” Muller said, “rubbing shoul- 
ders with my black brothers in the casino 
at Holiday Inn. FI admit once I even 
had a little—well, encounter—it somehow 
seemed quite different there—of course 


it wasn't against the law. 1 wasn't in the 


Republi 
Castle called out, “Sarah, bring 
down to say goodnight to Mr. Мше 
You are married?” Muller asked. 

YES. 

“Tm all the more flattered to be invited 
to your home. I brought with me a few 
lite presents from South Afvica, and 
perhaps there's something your wife 
would like, But you haven't answered my 
question. Now that we are working 10- 
getler—as T wanted to before, you re 
member—couldn't you tell me how you 
got that girl out? It can't harm any of 
your old agents now, and it does have a 
certain bearing on Uncle Remus, and the 
problems we have to face together. Your 
country and mine—and ihe States, of 
coursc—havc а common fronticr now.’ 

“Perhaps she'll tell you herself. Let me 
inuoduce her and my son, Sam.” They 
came down the stairs together as Cor- 
us Muller turned. 

Ir. Muller was asking how I got you 
into Swaziland, Sarah.” 

He had underestimated Muller. The 
surprise which he had planned failed com- 
pletely so glad to meet you, Mrs. 
Castle,” Muller said and took her hand. 

“We just failed to meet seven years 
ago,” Sarah said, 

“Yes, Seven wasted years. You have a 
utiful wife, 
nk you, h said. “ 
hands with Mr. Muller.” 

“This is my son, Mr. Muller,” ue 
said. He knew Muller would be a good 
judge of colour shades, and Sam was very 
black. 

"How do you do, Sam? Do you go to 
school yet 

“He goes to school in a week or two. 


un 


am, shake 


Sam 


“Are you а spy like Mr. Davis?” 
said go to bed, Sam. 
“Have you a poison pen?" 
m! Upstairs!” 
And now for Mr. Muller's question, 
Sarah," Castle said. "Where and how did 
you cross into Swa: 
don't think I ought to tell him, do 


gene 
Cornelius Muller said, “Oh, let's forget 


Swi 


and. It's all past history and it hap- 
pened in another country.” 

castle watched adapting, as nat- 
wrally as a chameleon, to the colour of the 
soil. He must have adapted in just that 
way during his week-end in Lesotho. Per- 
haps he would have found Muller more 
likeable if he had been less adaptable. All 
through dinner Muller made his cour- 
teous conversation. Yes, thought Castle, I 
really would have preferred Captain Van 
Donck. Van Donck would have walked 
out of the house at the first sight of Sarah. 
A prejudice had something in common 
with al. Cornelius Muller was 
without prejudice and he was without an 
ideal. 

“How do you find the clim 
Mrs. Castle, after South Africa? 

“Do you mean the weather?” 

“Yes, the weather.” 

“Ius less extreme,” Sarah said. 

"Don't you sometimes miss Africa? I 
came by way of Madrid and Athens, so 
I've been away some weeks already, and 
do you know what I miss most? The 
mine dumps around Johannesburg. 
Their colour when the sun's half set. 
What do you miss 

Castle had not suspected Muller of any 
aesthetic feeling, Was it one of the 
larger interests which came with promo- 
tion or was it adapted for the occasion 
nd the country like his courtesy? 

My memories are different,” Sarah 
said. "My Africa was different to yours.” 

“Oh come, we are both of us Africans. 
By the way, I've brought a few presents 
for my friends here. Not knowing that 
you were one of us, I brought you a shawl. 
You know how in Lesotho they have 
those very fine weavers—the — Royal 
Weavers. Would you accept a shawl— 
from your old enemy?” 

“OF course. It's kind of you.” 

“Do you think Lady Hargreaves would 
accept an ostrich bap?” 

“I don't know her. You must ask my 
husband.” 

It would hardly be up to her crocodile 
standard, Castle thought, but he s 
"I'm sure... coming from you. . . ." 

“I take a sort of family interest in 
ostriches, you see,” Muller explained. 
“My grandfather was what they call now 
one of the ostrich millionaires—put out 
of business by the 1914 war. He had a 
big house in the Cape Province. It was 
very splendid once, but it’s only a ruin 
now. Ostrich feathers never really came 
back in Europe, and my father went 
bankrupt. My brothers still keep а few 
ostriches though.” 

Castle remembered visiting one of 
those big houses, which had been pre- 
served as a sort of museum, camped in 
by the manager of all that was left of the 
ostrich farm. The manager was a little 


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182 


apologetic about the richness and the bad 
taste. The bathroom was the high spot of 
the tour—visitors were always taken to the 
bathroom last of all—a bath like a great 
white double bed with gold-plated taps, 
and on the wall a bad copy of an Ita 


primitive: on the haloes real goldleat 
was beginning to peel off. 

At the end of dinner Sarah left them, 
and Muller accepted a glass of port. The 


icd untouched since last 
Christmas—a present from Davis. "Seri- 
ously though," Muller said, "I you 
would give me a few details about your 
wife's route to Swaziland. No need to 
mention names. | know you had some 
Communist friends—I realise now it was 
of your job. They thought you 
зеп 1 fellow traveller—just 
we did. For example, Carson must 
have thought you one— poor Carson.” 

"Why poor Carson?" 

“He went too far. He had contacts 
with the guerrillas. He was a good fellow 
in his way and а very good advocate. He 
gave the Security Police a lot of trouble 
with the É 

* Doesn't he still? 

“Oh no. He died a year ago in prison." 

“I hadn't heu 

Castle went to Ше sideboard and 
poured himself yet another double whis- 
ky. With plenty of soda the J. & B. looked 
no stronger than a single. 

“Don't you 
asked. “We used to 
from Lourengo Ма 
are over.” 

“What did he die of?’ 

“Pneumonia,” Muller said. He added, 
“Well. it saved him from a long trial.” 

“I liked Carson,” Castle said. 

"Yes. It’s a great pity he always iden- 


bottle had re 


por?" Muller 
er admirable port 
ques. Alas, those days 


icd Africans with colour. It’s the kind of 
mistake second-gencration men make. 
They refuse to admit a white man can be 
as good an African as a black. My family 
for instance arrived 1700. We were 
carly comers.” He looked at his watch. 
“My God, with you Im a late stayer. My 
driver must have been waiting an hour. 
You'll have to excuse ne. 1 ought to be 
saying goodnight.” 

Castle said, “Perhaps we should talk a 
little before you go about Uncle Remus.” 

“That can wait for the office," Muller 
said. 

At the door he turned. He said, “I'm 
really sorry about Carson. If ГА known 
that you hadn't heard I wouldn't have 
spoken so abruptly.” 

Buller licked the bottom of his trousers 
with undiscrimi ng allection. “Good 
dog," Muller said. “Good dog. There's 
nothing like a dog's fidelity.” 

. 

At one o'clock in the morning Sarah 
broke a lon; You are still awake. 
Don't pretend. Was it as bad as all that 
seeing Muller? He was quite polite.” 

“Oh yes. In England he puts on Eng- 
h manners. He adapts very quickly.” 


silence. 


“Shall I get you a Mogadonz" 
"No. I'll sleep soon. Only—iheres 
something | have to tell you. Carson's 


dead, In prison." 

“Did they kill hi 

“Muller said he died from pneumonia. 

She put her head under the crook of 
his arm and turned her face into the 
He guesed she was crying. He 
1 couldn't help remembering to- 
night the last nore I ever had from him. 
It was waiting at the Embassy when I 
came back from seeing Muller and Van 
Donck. "Don't worry about Sarah. Take 


“Before you start getting any 


ideas, 


Ralph, it’s only fair to warn you that I am a 
distant cousin of Anita Bryant!” 


the first possible plane to L.M. and 
her at the Polana. She's in 

nds.” 

‘Yes. I remember d note too. I was 

with him when he wrote it.’ 

ver able to tli him—ex- 

cept by seven years of silence and. .. .” 

nd? 

Oh, 1 don't know what I was going 

He repeated what he had told 

"I liked Carson.” 

usted him. Much more than I 

trusted friends. During that week 

while you waited for me in Lourenço 

Marques we had time for a lot of 

ment. I used to tell him he wasn’t а real 

Communist." 

"Why? He was a member of the Party. 
One of the oldest members left in the 
Transvaal.” 

'Of course. I know that. But there are 
members and members, aren't there? I 
n even before 1 told 


safe 


He had a way of атакі 
him. 

"Most of the Communists I knew— 
they pushed, they didn't draw." 

All the same, Sarah, he was a genuine 
Communist. He survived Stalin like Ro- 
man Catholics survived the Borgias. He 
le me think better of the Party.” 

But he never drew you that far, did 
һе?” 

“Oh, there were always some things 
which stuck in my throat. He used to say 1 
ained at a gnat and swallowed a camel. 
You know I was never a religious man— 
1 left God behind in the school chapel, 
but there were priests I sometimes met in 
who made me be in—for a 
—over a drink. If all priests had 
ke they were and I had seen them 
often enough, perhaps I would h 
swallowed the Resurrection, the V 
Lazarus, the whole works. 1 


g people 10 


Te- 


use him 
wasn't ц 


name was Connolly— 
or was it O'Connell? He worked in the 
slums of Soweto. He said to me exactly 
what Carson said—you strain at a gnat 
and you s or a while I half 
believed in his God, like I half believed 
lin Carson's. Perhaps 1 was born to be a 
half believer. When people talk about 
Prague and Budapest and how you can't 
find a human face in Communism I stay 
silent. Because I've seen—once—the hu- 
man face. I say to myself that if it hadn't 
son Sam would have been 
born in a prison and you would probably 
have died in опе. One kind of Commu 
nism—or Communist—saved you and 
Sam. I don’t have any trust in Marx or 


Lenin any more than 1 have in Saint 
Paul, but haven't I the right to be 
grateful?” 


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(Serves six) 
1 Ib. medium-size shrimps 
3 whole boneless and skinless breasts 
of chicken 


% 1b. cooked ham, Virginia or country 
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2 dozen large shucked oysters 
2 tablespoons salad oil 
4 tablespoons butter 
% cup onions, finely minced 
% cup green pepper, small dice 
] teaspoon very finely minced garlic 
1 bay leaf, very finely minced 
14 teaspoon thyme 
114 cups long grain rice 
1⁄4 teaspoon saffron 
М teaspoon ground cloves 
М teaspoon ground allspice 
4 large peeled, seeded fresh tomatoes, 
біп. dice 
1 tablespoon very finely minced parsley 
Y teaspoon Tabasco 
2 tablespoons lemon juice 
Salt, pepper 
Place shrimps in pot with 1 quart cold 
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Lin. dice. Cut ham into yin. dice. Drain 
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Mix well. Bring to boil over moderate 
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“I guess this is really the big time, Gertrude!” 


PLAYBOY 


184 


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with a twist. with soda or your favorite mixer. Enjoy it all the 
ways that you enjoy fine whiskey. 
California Brandy. Anytime and anywhere, you'll like the change. 


ә, 
Bondy AGvisory Boord Son Froncssco. CA 94104 


SAZERACI 


(continued from page 113) 
few people, including many who've never 
been within 1000 miles of Bourbon Street 
and Mardi Gras. New Orleans is the spir- 
itual motherland of the resolute reveler, 
and extreme cases have been known to 
tilt the first glass of the day toward New 
Orleans, just as a Moslem faces Mecca to 
pray. The dassic libations, spawned or 
popularized in the Crescent City, read 
like an honor roll of drinkdom: sazerac, 
Ramos gin fizz, café brilot, absinthe suis- 
sesse, absinthe frappé, milk punch, orange 
brülot and quite a few others. San Fran- 
cisco may drink more, and New York 
more expensively, but no place provides 
the flair, range апа unself-conscious joie 
de boire dispensed at your average. jump- 
ing New Orleans pub. Of course, you can 
get yourself one of the standard соска 
anywhere 

“But,” says Ella Brennan of the vener- 
able Brennan restaurant family, "old-line 
New Orleans drinks sazeracs, saz 
sazeracs^ As it happens, Miss Ella— 
Queen of Delta Cuisine—is no longer 
associated with the Brennan's on Royal 
Street. She is now comfortably ensconced 
in the Commander's Palace Restaurant, 
a Victorian edifice in the Garden District 
ol old New Orleans. To no one's surprise, 
the new place continues some of the 
old favorites. Commander's version of 
breakfast at Brennan's is a jazz brunch 
featuring old-time jazz greats, and the 
drink card lists ап array of traditional 
cye openers including, you may be sure, 
the sazerac. 

"There's some kind of broubaha swirl- 
ing around this quintessential New Or- 
leans tonic. The Fairmont Hotel claims 
exclusive rights to the “formula and 
use of the name sazerac.” Despite this 
prescription, the drink is served regularly 
at a number of groggerics around town 
Originally, the sazerac was a cognac-based 
mixture, taking its name from Sazeracde- 
Forge et Fils, of Limoges, the shipper- 
Along the way, straight rye whiskey re- 
placed the brandy and a dash of absinthe 
was tossed in for chic. Order a sazerac in 
New Orleans today and it will be made 
with bourbon, unless you specify other- 
wise, and Pernod or Herbsaint in place 
of absinthe, banished in 1915. 

Local barmen vary the formula a soup- 
«on, each putting his personal stamp on 
the drink. But you'll always get a good 
sazerac . . . a good gin бг... a good 
milk punch . . . a good absinthe 
frappé . . . а good briilot . . . or what's 
your pleasure. And that’s what you'd 
expect from New Orleans, spiritual 
motherland of the serious drinker. 

Following are two versions of the 
sazerac—the more-or-less original recipe, 


as presented at the Fairmont Hotel's 
zerac „ and the streamlined Com- 
mand lace concoction. Note that 
neither calls for ice in the serving gl 


FAIKMONT SAZERAG 


114 ozs. bourbon or straight rye 

1 Tump sugar 

2 dashes Peychaud's bitters 

1 dash Angostura bitters 

3 dashes Herbsaint (absinthe substitute) 

Strip lemon peel 

Fill small old fashioned glass with ice; 
set aside. Place sugar in mixing glass. 
Saturate with bitters and а few drops of 
water. Muddle to dissolve sugar. Add ice 
and whiskey; stir well. Empty first glass 


of ice. Dash in some Herbsaint and roll 
around 10 coat le, then discard. 
Enough will cling to subtly flavor drink 


Suain whiskey mixture into prepared 
glass. Twist lemon peel over glass to 
release oils, then discard. 


COMMANDER'S PALACE SAZERAC. 


124 ozs. bourbon or straight rye 

2 dashes simple syrup 

1 dash Angostura bitters 

2 dashes Peychaud's bitters 

3 dashes Pernod 

Strip lemon peel 

Stir first four ingredients with ice. Dash 
Pernod into chilled old fashioned glass 
and roll around to coat inside; then 
discard, Strain drink into prepared glass. 
Add twist lemon peel. 


RAMOS GIN FIZZ 
11⁄4 ozs. dry gin 


1 tablespoon superfine sugar 

3-4 drops orange flower water 

Y4 oz. lemon juice 

14, oz lime juice 

White of 1 small egg 

2 ozs, heavy cream 

2 drops vanilla extract (optional) 

Shake violently with cracked ice until 
drink develops a “ropy” body and builds 
a good head of froth. This takes persist- 
ent rocking. Strain into chilled highball 
glass. 

Note: If you mix in blender, prechill 
container and add 1⁄4 cup finely crushed 
ice to mixture. 


ABSINTHE SUISSESSE 


Still referred to as an Absinthe Sui: 
sese on many New Orleans drink cards, 
Ithough absinthe hasn't been around 
ince World War One. 
114 ozs. Pernod, Herbsaint or another 
absinthe substitute 
White of 1 small egg 
2 ozs. heavy cream 
% oz. orgeat syrup 
% cup finely crushed ice 
Blend in prechilled blender 10-15 


seconds. Serve in chilled old fashioned 
glass or large tulip champagne glass. 


AUSINTHE FRAPPE 


1 oz Pernod, Herbsaint or another 
absinthe substitute. 

15 or. anisette 

Club soda to taste, chilled 

Pack small highball glass with finely 
crushed ice. Add Pernod and anisette, 
then slowly drip in soda while agitating 
briskly with longhandled spoon. Serve 
when outside of glass is frosted. If you 
like, add Pernod float. 


ELLA BRENNAN'S MILK PUNCH 


114 ozs. bourbon or brandy 

4 ozs. milk or light cream 

1 teaspoon superfine sugar 

Dash vanilla extract 

Nutmeg 

Shake everything except nutmeg long 
1 thorouglily, with cracked ice, ший 
frothy. Swain into large old fashioned 
glass. Grate a bit of nutmeg over. 


CAFE BRULOT 


A great New Orleans favorite that was 
actually devised at the Café Martin in 
New York City. However, Antoine's of 
New Orleans glamorized this drink with 
a special service set and made it popular. 

8 ozs. cognac, warmed 

4 cloves 

4 whole allspice 

1 stick cinnamon 

Lemon-peel strips from 14 lemon 

Orange-peel strips from 14 orange 

6 teaspoons sugar, or to taste 

1 quart hot, strong coffee 

Place all ingredients except coffee in 
chafing dish or warmed heatproof bowl. 
Ignite cognac. Stir slowly as cognac 
flames. After a minute, slowly pour in 
coffee, continuing to stir. About 8 sérv- 
ings in slender porcelain brülot cups ог 
demitasses. 


ORANGE BRULOT 


2 ozs. cognac, dark rum or Metaxa 7- 
Star 

1 thin-skinned orange, medium size 

14 lump sugar 

Scrub orange and soak in warm water 
about 10 minutes. With point of sharp 
paring knife, cut around orange at 
equator, being careful not to pierce 
white membrane under peel Using 
handle of teaspoon, carefully loosen peel 
around orange, turning it back slightly as 
you go. After peel has been turned, work 
with thumb and forefinger to pull it 
back, inside out, until cup is formed. Do 
not detach from fruit. Repeat with other 
half You now have 2 cups, attached to 
either end of the orange; one serves as 
base or pedestal, the other as container. 


Pour whichever spirits you're using into 
this container. Place sugar in warmed tea- 
spoon. Saturate with liquor and ignite. 
Gently float onto surface of spirits in 
orange cup, setting the whole thing afire. 
Extinguish after a minute. The heat 
draws oil from orange skin, making fra- 
grant sip. 


PLACE D'ARMES 


14 ozs. whiskey 
Juice y4 orange 
Juice lemon 
Juice V lime 
1 oz. grenadine 
Fill 8-oz. highball glass with cracked 
ice. Add all ingredients. Stir well. 


BILL BAILEY 


A feature of the Faitmont’s Bailey's 
Room—open round the clock. 

11⁄4 ozs. dark rum 

1 oz. pineapple juice 

% oz. lemon juice 

1 oz grenadine 

Stir with ice. Strain over fresh ice in 
old fashioned glass. 


PIRATE'S DREAM. 


Supposed to serve one in New Orlean: 
You can make it go for two or three. 

1 oz. Bacardi rum. 

1 oz. Myers’s гш 

1 oz. Don Q rum 

1 oz. Ronrico 151-proof rum 

% oz. grenadin 

2 dashes Angostui 

Juice 1 orange 

Juice 1 lemon 

Fresh green mint 

8—10 cherries 

Lemon, orange slices 

Sti 
lemon 
quart pitcher, bruising mint well. Si 
over ice in one, two or three glasses, de- 
pending on how you're handling it. 
Decorate each glass with cherries, lemon 
and orange slices, 

They tell this one everywhere, but it 
just may have originated in New Orlea 
A French tourist enters a Bourbon Str 
joint, raps on the and orders “ 


a bitters 


un 
contradiction, zee marvelous American 


cocktail.” 

“Never heard of it,” says the bartender. 
Ecoutez! You pour wheeskey to make 
it strong, water to make it weak, add 
lemon to make it sour and sugar to make 
it sweet. Zen you say, "Here's to you, 
and drink it yourself. Zat ees un contra- 
diction, non?” 

“Non! Zat ees un whiskey sour,” says 
the barman. "How do you want it, 
straight up or on the rocks?” 


185 


186 


SPORTS 


FROZEN FAMILY JEWELS 
Now that Jack Frost is nipping his way 
across much of the country, joggers 
should take steps to protect themselves 
against a pecular aflliction that struck 
a New Jersey physician last winter. 
Dr. Melvin Hershkowitz noted the 
“unpleasant, painful burning sensa- 
tion” early one cold evening while 
on his customary 30-minute jog. 
“Physical examination . . . revealed 
carly frostbite of the penis," he wrote. 
in a letter to The New England Jour- 
nal of Medicine. Treatment consisted 
of removing his polyester trousers and 
Dacron-and-cotton undashorts and 
creating “a cradle for rapid rewarm- 
ing by covering the penile tip with 
опе cupped palm. Response 
and complete. Symptoms subsided 15 
minutes after onset of treatment 
and physical findings returned to 
normal . . . Spouse's observation of 
therapy produced rapid onset of nu- 
merous, varied and severe side effects.” 

The good doctor reports that he 
has solved the problem by adding an 
athletic supporter and cotton pants to 
his jogging togs. He has also received 
bizarre mail. including a gift of a 
stethoscope warmer, which he’s advised 
to put to another use. That'll keep Mr. 
Frost from nipping where he shouldn't. 


EQUAL PORN RIGHTS 


Are women really turned off by X- 
rated movies? The stercotype of the 
female who docsn't find porno flicks 
sexually stimulating is well known, 


THINK TANK 


an insider's look at everything you need to know to keep 
up with, and flourish in, the latter part of the 20th century 


but research done by Drs. Daniel 
Steele and Eugene Walker indicates it 
may not be entirely true. 

Their test group of college coeds 
responded more favorably than many 
people assumed they would to the 
movies they were shown. (Not un- 
expectedly, women with liberal back- 
grounds in matters both sexual and 
political viewed the films more favor- 
ably than did their counterparts with 
less experience in and tolerance 
toward pre- and extramarital sex, abor- 
tion and masturbation. On thc other 
hand, first-born children also re- 
sponded more favorably.) 

Another interesting finding in- 
volved the type of movie that women 
warm up to. It confirms what many 
women have been telling sex rescarch- 
ers for years: that what precedes the 
actual scenes of plunging organs is 
what matters most—the foreplay. 

“The feedback to the research has 
been 99 percent favorable," says Dr. 
Steele, who now is in private practice 
as a clinical psychologist. “I think it 
counteracts some of the macho ch 
ism associated with pornography 


SPUNKY SOCIAL DISEASE 


There's good news and bad news 
about the world’s number-one social 
discase. The bad news is the appear- 
ance of two independent strains of 
gonorrhea that resist treatment by pen- 
icillin. This was predicted a few y 
ago by, among others, Dr. Stanley 
kow of the University of Washington, 


but no one took the warnings very 
seriously. Fortunately, the new strains 
have shown up in a comparatively 
small percentage of the cases around 
the world and there is an antibiotic 
that has proved effective against it, but 
this treatment costs eight times that of 
penicillin. And what may be bad 
news for the future is that gonorthea 
bacteria seem to have learned to re- 
sist penicillin in a sort of survival- 
of-the-fittest way. Scientists are worried 
that this ability may be passed along 
to similar bacterial species by a meth- 
od Dr. Falkow calls jumping genes. 
The necessary genetic material could, 
for example, show up in the closely 
related strain that causes meningitis 

The good news comes from Dr. 
Charles Brinton, at the University of 
Pittsburgh. Faithful Think Tank 
readers will remember our August 
1976 item that describes his work on a 
vaccine that would prevent gonorrhea. 
Later reports indicate that the first 
tests on humans are imminent. 1f all 
goes well, the vaccine will be available 
in a few years. 


DITTOED DESIGN 


"Little boxes on the hillside . . . and 
they all look just the same,” wrote 
Malvina Reynolds in her famous folk 
song about the ticky-tacky develop- 
ments southwest of her home in 
Berkeley. Not very far away from those 
developments stand two expensive, cus- 
tomelesigned houses that, ironically, 
seem to have the look-alike problem, 


TECHNOLOGY 


and that has gotten their owners 
involved in a $700,000 lawsuit over 
the rights to the design. 

It seems the same architect and 
builder worked on a home for a Mr. 
Kretz and then one for a Mr. Kotz, 
both in the exclusive White Gate sec- 
tion of Danville, east of San Francisco 
Bay. The houses look so much alike 
that Kretz contends his $250,000 home 
is being devalued by the mere pres 
ence of the Кош home just three 
doors down the street. 

In general, artists, writers, photog- 
raphers, architects and other creative 
people produce work that belongs to 
the client who commissions it, unless 
there is a contract that states other- 
wise. The American Institute of Ar- 
chitects has such a contract form 
available, but no one is required to 
use it 

“Many architects, especially those 
who work on plans for residences or 
small businesses, don’t like to have 
complicated written agreements,” says 
Paul M. Lurie, a Chicago attorney 
who specializes in cases involving ardi 
tects and engineers. “They feel it is 
unartistic to talk about money and 
business. The effect of this case will 
be to make architects more careful.” 


INSIDE CURVE BALL 


As if air pollution were not already 
a serious problem, two University of 
California scientists have made a dis- 
covery that’s bound to keep anyone 
from breathing a sigh of relief once 


BEHAVIOR 


he escapes to the great indoors. Greg 
Traynor and Craig Hollowell found 
that air pollution inside some typical 
Berkeley houses was worse than it was 
outside. 

Aided by funds from the U. S. Ener- 
py Research and Development Admin- 
istration and using a battery of sensitive 
measuring devices for around-the-clock 
monitoring of the air in the homes, 
‘Traynor and Hollowell found that 
carbon monoxide, nitrogen dioxide 
and nitric oxide, all of which are 
known to be hazardous to humans, 
were present in greater concentrations 
inside than out. Studies by others 
have found high levels of freon and 
vinyl chloride. 

Not surprisingly, indoor pollution 
is not just something the wind blows 
in but a product of such things as 
gas stoves, cigarette smoke, aerosol 
sprays. 

These findings might seem to throw 
a wrench into the energy.conservation 
program. since the trend to insulate 
houses and seal them tighter only 
makes the problem worse. Although 
solutions, such as better ventilation 
of gas stoves, are relatively simple, 
Government officials admit that up to 
now, hardly anyone has recognized 
the problem. Your home may still be 
your castle, but breathing the air in- 
side can give you a royal pain. 


POWDERED PROOF 


OK, campers, here's the news you've 
been waiting for. Instant, powdered 


ENVIRONMENT 


alcoholic beverages are on the way. 
That's right. Kool-Aid for grownups. 
Just add water to that innocent-looking 
powder in your glass and—presto!— 
instant bloody mary, screwdriver or 
daiquiri. And that’s just the begin- 
ning Coming up next may be pow- 
dered wine, beer (they're still working 
on the head), Irish coffee, and even a 
gelatin dessert, а four-percentalco- 
holiccontent wine that squiggles 
around in your bowl. 

All of that is possible because a 
Japanese food chemist, Jin Ichi Sato, 
was looking for a way to turn soy 
sauce into powder for easier shipping. 
The problem was how to retain the 
alcoholic content of the fermented 
sauce while losing the water; the so- 
lution involved encapsulating drops 
of alcohol within tiny grains of the 
flavoring solid. Then water could be 
added to bring the product back to 
life. It didn’t take Sato long to realize 
the implications of his discovery, and 
Global Marketing Services of Port- 
land, Oregon, hopes to have the 
powdered cocktails on the U.S. mar- 
ket as soon as the "Treasury Depart- 
ment gives them the go-ahead to 
sell an alcoholic beverage that comes 
in an envelope. "We've got to get 
people to try these drinks more than 
once" said Mike Hill of Global 
Marketing. "We don't want to market 
something just as a novelty. It's got 
to taste good.” Roughing it will 
never be the sume. Ba 


ILLUSTRATIONS BY KINUKO Y, CRAFT 


PLAYBOY 


188 


Alber t/Albert (continued from page 123) 


“Permit me, in that spirit, 


to propose a compromise: 


I'll take the mustache; you take the hair.” 


first name, the same prize (the Nobel) and 
similar accents, All of this 1 accept to 
be beyond the power of either of us to 
What cs me so greatly, 
is your insistence upon sporting 
a droopy mustache and disheveled whi 


ha 


You should know that I think of this 

something ol a personal trade- 
I have photographs of myself in 
baggy sweat shirt. droopy mustache and 
disheveled hair going back as far as 1920 


and, while I am loath to insinuate that 
asly stolen this look 
from me, you must admit that it does ap- 
—to put the kindest interpretation 

an extraordinary coiacidence, 
n'est-ce pas? 

Fm sure that you mean по harm by 
m of persona, but it would 
be a vast relief to me if you would shave 
off the mustache and get a crewcut. 

Yours faithfully, 
Albert Einstein 


“Please observe carefully—blowing this particular 
procedure can mean a hundred thousand dollars in awarded 
damages, plus one hell of a boost in your malpractice premiums.” 


Hopital Lamb 
French Equatorial A 


Dear Dr. Einst 

You cannot know what z pleasure 
deed, what an honcr—it was to hear 
from you. 1 have always had the highest 
ces and noth- 
your contributions. 
marvelously elegant 


for 
that 


E=M 


About the droopy mustache and the 
disheveled white hair: As our Nobels so 


оци both men of 
science, men of peace, In a world that 
often appears to have ропе mad (viz. 


World V 


ar Two, etc.), the mass of hu- 
for 
Реті m that 
compromise: ГЇЇ ta 
the mustache; you take the һа 
Distinguished sentiments, 
Albert Schweitzer, M.D. 


nki:d looks to us for wisdom. 


Institute for Advanced Study 
Princeton, New Jersey 


Dear Dr. Schw Cr, 

What is this, a joke? I write to you 
about the mustache and the h and 
today, in the latest issue of Time, I find 
a shot of you lolling around the jungle 
n what is clearly, obviously, blatantly a 
baggy sweat shirt. Have you no shame, 


‘The fact that you would ev 
such a bird-brained scheme 


the "stache and the hair oi 
th 


t you obviously fail to grasp wh 
ue here. We are sing a whole 
loc way of being in the 
world. You're always spouting off about 
"respect for life.” How about a litle 
respect for genius? 


Hopi 
French 


Dear Er. Einstei 


Kk humanitarianism and 
Ik fashion. Is there not enough 
n the world (viz, World War Two, 
ctc) without this petty backbiting? It is 


hardly the sort of nonsense to befit men 
of our—or at least of my—stature. (And 
lor your 


„ I was not wemi 
shirt in that news photo. It 
Also, I don't loll, Einstein; 


¢, perhaps we can turn this sorry 
ighty issues. Do you 
fecl, for example, that there is any hope 
for a lasting world peace? Is mankind 
inherently evil? What further marvelous 
secrets do you think the atom has yet to 
yield ир? 


to more w 


Disting 


б ied. sentiments, 
Albert Schw 


Institute for Advanced Study 
Princeton, New Jersey 


Dear Schweitzer, 

Yes. No. Pi mesons. 

Jellaba, my ass! Who do you think 
you're dealing with? 1 am, indeed, a man 
of peace, but I am also the Father of 
Nuclear Energy. If you thought World 
War Two was bad, I urge you to ponder 
the consequences of the atomic bomb 
visá-vis you, your hair, your mustache, 
your “jellaba” and most of French Equa- 


torial Africa. 


Einstein 


Dear Dr. Einstein, 

Enough! I may be a physician and I 
may have beaten out some stiff competi- 
tion for the Peace prize, bur I am no 
patsy and I will not be intimidated. 

The color, droopiness and sheveledness 
of a man's hair are matters between only 
himself and Almighty God. I will not 
tolerate the intrusion of you or any mor- 
tal in that sacred contract 

Drop your cursed bomb! I shall go to 
my fiery demise in droopy mi 
disheveled white hair and even, if the 
Good Lord so deems, the baggiest sweat 
shirt in all of His creation. 

Albert Schweiver, M.D. 


tache, 


Institute for Advanced Study 
Princeton, New Jersey 


Dear Dr. Schweitzer, 
І cannot deal with fana 


cim. As I 
have mentioned in quite another context, 
I do not believe that God plays dice with 
the universe. Neither do I believe that 
He plays fashion consultant 

Since you scem incapable of putting 
yourself in my shoes—at least in any but 
the most literal sense—pcrhaps the en- 
closed article from Life magazine (The 
Light Side of Longhair Music) will snap 
you to your senses. 

L hope you're satisfied with your "sa- 
cred contract” now. 


Einstein 


Hopital Lambaréné 
French Equatorial Africa 


Mr. Arthur Fiedler, Conductor. 
The Boston Pops Orchestra 
Boston, Massachusetts 

US.A. 

Dear Mr. Fiedler, 

Although my own modest musical en- 
deavors have been confined to the i 
terpretation of the organ works of Bach, 
I am nonetheless delighted by your con- 
cept of the Boston Pops, as described in 
the recent Life article The Light Side of 
Longhair Music. 

What moves me to write, however, is 
my dismay—indced, my alarm. 


Ee. 


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PLAYBOY 


190 


BEYOND THE BASICS (continued from page 94) 


“Tt is trial and error that we are seeing today in 
greater degree than ever before in male attire.” 


suddenly come upon an attitude toward 
clothes without precedent in the history 
of fashion. When you consider any period 
in history in terms of dress, you more or 
les sum it up in a specific mode (eg, 
jeans in the late Sixties, Ivy League in the 
Fifties, togas in Ancient Rome). What's so 
peculiar about today is not that anything 
goes but that everything is tried and, for 
the most part, absorbed into our fashion 
culture. 

Are there, then, no rules? Well, yes and 
no. For example, with the exception of a 
few pockets of conservative restriction, 
what constitutes business dress has altered 
radically. The board-room suit is not the 
end-all of office attire. But common sense 
also dictates that outlandishness for its 
own sake will mark one аз... outlandish, 

To be sure, with all the options open 

to you, mistakes are bound to be made, 
just as they are in any other атса in 
which the development of one's own style 
equires trial and error. 
And it is trial and error that we are 
seeing today in greater degree than ever 
before in male attire. Consider the trials. 
(Consider the errors!) A President will- 
ing—nay, eager—to be photographed in 
jeans: disco dancers in combat boots; bar- 
Stool jockeys in warmup gear. What, 
then, of your re-examined wardrobe? 

Starting from the bottom, let's consider 
some of the highlights from the incredible 
array of styles and directions available in 
today’s market. You no doubt already 


own basic shoes (black, brown, a pair of 
slip-ons), but how about adding cowboy 
boots for a change of pace? And a pair 
of rugged hiking boots can be useful 
in any number of situations. Of course, 
nothing beats tennis/jogging/track shoes 
with jeans or slacks, unless, maybe, it’s 
boat shoes You get the message. If you 
have a wide varicty of shoe styles from 
which to choose, you'll find yourself put- 
ting together unexpected combinations of 
dothing and footgear that work. You 
might even set a trend. 

It follows that you'll need to expand 
your supply of socks: long, short, mid- 
сай; dress plain, fancy and athletic. 

Moving upward, the same principle ap- 
plies to trousers: The more, the merrier. 
You might especially consider the new 
straight or even tapered leg. Flares are 
still around (they're particularly good for 
disguising big feet), but narrow bottoms 
are fashion's fancy just now. As are single 
or deublepleated fronts in everything 
from jeans to dress pants. 

Belts, too, cover a range of styles, and 
you should own several for more of that 
variable dressing. 

Remember Gatsby's shirts? As it was for 
him, it's hard to imagine having too many. 
(But on a strictly personal note, it's hard to. 
imagine having too few of those shiny knit 
jobs with pictures all over them.) 

You probably have a goodly supply of 
dress shirts, and also some favored sport 
shirts. What. you want to consider 


“Would you believe Мато here is doing seven to ten 
in minimum security?" 


are some of the new/old small-collar 
styles, or even those with detachable col- 
lars (collarless shirts under suits will be 
increasingly worn next summer). And, by 
all means, give a try to the fresh big- 
shirt look with its air of relaxed élan. 

Sweaters? Lots. And here, too, the 
rection is to big, roomy, even sloppy looks. 

As for suits, the field is wide open. 
While the fashion trend is to a more 
natural shoulder, smaller lapels, а room- 
ier jacket and a narrower trouser leg, 
nobody can fault you for finding the 
roped shoulder, fitted look the one you 
like best. Single, double-breasted and 
threepiecers—all should be considered 
integral to a good wardrobe. There isn't 
enough space here to describe the variety. 
of fabrics, colors and patterns available. 
Again, your goal is to have as many as 
your budget will allow. 

Not to be overlooked is the relatively 
new category of menswear, related sports- 
wear, which you might call the second 
generation of the leisure suit, It is gain- 
ing wide acceptance as something of a 
bridge between the strictly casual and the 
strictly formal. Its appeal is that it can 
work in both situations, for the most 
part. And it is an area in which you сап 
truly demonstrate а creative eye through 
layering, mixing and marrying fabrics, 
colors and styles. 

The outerwear portion of your ward- 
robe is probably a foremost consideration 
because of the weather these days. 
the range is impressive, indeed. Furs are 
definitely right for men. Leather still 
abounds and topcoats are making а come- 
back. There are also plenty of survival- 
inspired jackets available, often with the 
ever-popular military accent. 

Accessories, too, should be considered 
for practicality and for the finishing 
touches they afford. Choose both rugged 
long scarves and silky shorter ones; hats 
if you like the way you look in them. 
Felts, knit caps, tweed caps, straws for the 
summer, etc., should be given a try. 
is by no means exhausts the list of 
wearing apparel with which you may 
want to replenish your wardrobe. Our 
aim is to get you started on a reconsidera- 
tion of what’s available today in the art 
of dressing. 

In case you haven't guessed, there's no 
easy formula to smart attire. There is 
only an ever-widening array of choices, of 
unexpected. fashion sources and, indeed, 
of types of occasions that give you room 
to express your own creative direction; in 
short, your own style. 
ashion is that constantly changing, 
cutting edge of new ideas in clothes; style 
is how you use fashion to define yourself. 
Your wardrobe should begin with the 
basics, expand with the fashions you find 
comfortable and end in a projection of 
you as an individual. Let's hear it for 


looking goodl 


FEMALE 0 comin pon page 11 


“There is virtually no informed male criticism of 
the things that women are doing and saying.” 


the average, seven years longer than men. 
Office workers live longer than factory 
workers, Do we have to elaborate that 
Sequence any further? Women's libera- 
tion, for most women, is freedom to do 
factory work. That is why poor black 
women reject the women's movement, 
reports Dr. Jul a 
at St. Vincent’s Hospital and Medical 


social worker 


Center in New York City, who told the 


American Psychopathological Assor 
“This means the right 10 compete with 
black men for the few jobs of 
custodian, stock clerk, sanitation engineer 
and similar lower-class jobs. Many a black 
mother would gladly exchange day-care 
facilities to remain in her own home, pro- 
viding care for her own children. Troni- 
cally, for years, the black woman has been 
free to do all of the thi the white 
woman is now der j 
black woman is trying so hard to give 
them up. And give them up she must if 
there is ever to be any masculinity for the. 
black male.” 

are centers sound great. So did 
Thalidomide. I guess maybe we are going 
to have to talk about Mothers and Moth- 
erhood, after all. That is taboo these days. 
Bad medicine. Kids have been write 
of the script. If there is any characteristic 
that is particularly human, it is the ability 
to turn a perfectly sensible idea into an 
insane obsession. First it was space out 
those children and give them room in 
which to grow. Then we began to hear 
about something called zero population 
growth. That soon cime to mean zero 
Kids. Add to your 
phrase book this one: 
Feed them groovy granol: 
into the closet. Mom has to boogie to- 
night. It's something she has to do. She 
has to find her center. Do they allow 
children at Esalen? 

The children are screaming. 
countable number of women in their late 
20s and early 30s are wandering in the 
grisly wake of the sexual revolution lead- 
ing little children by the hand, from man 
to man, from house to house. It is not 
сазу to be a single woman with children 
in any society, least of all this one. Chil- 
dren in their format years like the 
company of the same male. They're kearn- 
ing to talk. Every new person has to be 
taught his special baby talk. Maybe this 
makes them grow faster intellectually. 
Maybe it also makes them hyperkinetic or 


out 


wom: 
Kids ar 


something like that. The emotional ef- 
fects of neglecting children have been 
very carefully documented. In some cases, 
the results have been so devastating that 
the studies have been virtually sup- 
pressed. The facts are very clear: Bottle- 
fed babies grow up with machinel 
personalities, alternatively angry or de- 
pressed, unable to form lasting relation- 
ships, cternally unsatisfied and attempting 
to fill the emptiness with store-bought 


pleasures and cheap thrill. Seventy to 
80 percent of all American children 
are boule-fed. 

As а woman and a father, it seems 
to me that if we are going to make 
lbearing a privilege rather than a 
ht, and apparently а rare privilege, 
at that, we ought to seek to at least make 
those children the very healthiest and 
happiest we can. 

Men are not allowed to speak out on 
these matters directly. There is virtually 
no informed male criticism of the things 


is no satire. The male-dominated com. 


munications media are too timid to take 
the ladies on. Self:censorship prevails, The 
women's media are worse, Not long ago, 


“Well, well, when did you switch to situation comedy?” 


191 


PLAYBOY 


with joy. I thought they wanted to take 
pictures of me naked, but I was too 
flat-chested and skinny. They go for 
beefcake over there. 

It turned out they wanted me to write 
for them. We spent hours talking about 
it. I expounded my ideas to two blonde 
and voluptuous ladies and they were 
creaming. "No one else is saying these 
things,” they aooned. “You аге wonder- 
Tul." We settled on an idea, “The Death 
of Romance.” I went home feeling good. 
Women were going to read my words. 
Maybe it would make them horny about 
me. I would have groupies like a rock 
star. Then came a leuer from Playgirl: 
“We would prefer to have a story such as 
this done by a woman.” Yes, and Tiny 
im would prefer to play King Kong. 

Nor are women really allowed to dis- 
cuss these issues openly. Veronica Geng 
wrote a piece for Harper's called Re- 
quiem for the Women’s Movement, 
which concluded with, “No one knows 
what will happen when women stop ly- 
ing . . . because feminism has never 
pushed that far,” and with this quote 
from Colette Price about a recent con- 
sciousnessraising session: "We always used 
to talk about sex with people gushing 
and aying. That's how people were talk- 
ing about the women's liberation move- 
ment. They were crying" One person 
returned the magazine in a vomit bag, 
the cover scrawled with obscene abuse. 

I think finally that if some of us do 
manage to slip through and pass as fe- 
male, however briefly, however inade- 
quately, we have to maintain as a 
nary aim the elimination of this sort 
ssion., That is not an easy task. I 
refer you to The Hite Report, a distilla- 
tion of questionnaires filled out by thou- 
. Although this is presented 
information since 
Masters and Johnson, it must be viewed 
with a certain amount of skepticism. That 
doesn't mean the information is useless 
but merely that it must be interpreted 
carefully. 

The questionnaires were 
through various women's organizations 
and classified advertisements in maga- 
zines. The sample is thus distorted in the 
direction of the literate. It takes some 
education to fill out a form like that. I 
know because I filled one out myself and 
sent it in under the ia Gaviota. 

The ques tsclf was so hot I 
could hardly keep from masturbating 
while reading it. The detail was more 
tense than Color Climax No. 8, the 
alltime wildest Danish porno review. 
There were minute interrogations 
clitoral stimulation. The emphas 
couraged comment about that. Anal sex 
was dismissed with one short line, some- 
thing like, “You do find getting it in 


circulated 


192 the ass painful and disgusting, don't 


you?” and about a quarter inch for 
reply. I had Julia answer that question 
on a separate sheet: “Anal sex is my 
very favorite way of reaching dimax,” 
she wrote. “I like it best when a new 
lover goes completely insane with lust 
and rapes my asshole violently. I pre- 
tend it's the first time. Afterward, I cry 
and make him feel bad, but inside I am 
secretly glowing.” 

In my brief scan of the book, I found 
nothing quite like that, Was it left out 
in error? If someone arbiuarily elimi- 
nated it without checking back with 
Julia, what does that say about the ac 
curacy of the rest of the material? If it 
is included, what does that say? But be 
that as it may, let us accept the report 
on its own terms. The most quoted find- 
ing is that 70 percent of all respondents 
were unable to reach climax unless their 
clitorises were being directly stimulated, 
either by their partners or by themselves. 
Kinsey found that the majority of women 
who masturbated could achieve orgasm 
within four to five minutes. In the light 
of this information, I think it is only fait 
to ask, “What docs that mean, when you 
man, ‘You can't give me an 
orgasm?” All they have ever had to do 
was reach down and pull their own trig- 
gers. The very least they could have done 
was to have told us how to do it for them. 

The women attribute their reluctance 
to masturbate in the presence of their 
lovers or to talk about their desires to 
the overpowering force of male repres- 
sion. 1 must be a freak, but 1 experienced 
that one the other way around. It was 
always women who were beating up lit- 
Че boys for playing with themselves. The 
guys I knew, despite this, were quite 
outfront about jerking off. As Bennett 
Levine, a childhood buddy of mine, put 
it, “Ninety-nine percent say they do it 
and the rest are liars.” These women in 
The Hite Report are the educated elite. 
They do it with college graduates. Can 
you sce your average certified public ac- 
countant recoiling in horror as his girl- 
friend flails her pudenda shamelessly: “If 
I catch you doing that again, young lady, 
Il put your hands in the fire"? Men 
frequently find my dirty talk hilarious, 
and so do many women, but it is the 
ladies who put me down most coldly: “I 
guess уоште really into sex," they say 
disapprovingly. 
aise thi 


issue, you get another 
: "Women have had 
to tell men what they think they want 
to hear since time began.” Why must that 
continue? Is there any hope or are we 
doomed to eternal quarrel? I direct you 
to a curious work, The Incvitability of 
Patriarchy: Why the Biological Difference 
Between Men and Women Always Pro- 
duces Male Domination, by Steven Gold- 
berg, a philosopher at City College of 


New York. Goldberg's thesis is that male 
hormones produce competitive behavior, 
which makes the male almost always the 
victor. 

1 don't feel much like a victor. Maybe 
I ought to have my testosterone level 
checked. But it is an interesting argu- 
ment and it may even be right. The 
work of medical psychologist John Money 
indicates that male/female personality 
patterns do seem to have a definite hor- 
monal basis, though social environmental 
fluences may be somewhat more 
nportant. 

More interesting, perhaps, is the school 
of thought that when women take over 
work that was once exclusively male, 
work drops in status for men and 
с. When men do work that 
was formerly female, its status goes up. 
"The most esteemed cooks are men, for 
example. In the United States, where be 
ing a physician is a male role, that work 
has very high status. In the Soviet Union, 
on the other hand, where most doctors 
are women, medicine is no longer so 
highly respected a role, except їп re- 
search, an area dominated by me 

If this pattern is tue, and it is bio- 
logical rather than environmental, all 
men have to do is to become women. We 
will do it so much more aggressively be- 
cause of our God-given testosterone that 
women will become jealous and want to 
be women, too. This will be confusing, 
but I am sure that it will be all right. 
There will be a point, though, where we 
men masquerading as women will be do- 
ing such a good job that we will have the 
upper hand over those ineffectual men 
who were once such competent women. 
What shall we do with that power? Pay 
them back, boys, pay them back! 

Or shall we be better women than 
they and forgive and forget? Where shall 
we find our model? I look back on my 
childhood and my parents’ marriage with 
asing nostalgia What did they have? 
‘Their lives were infinitely harder than 
ours. Yet they hardly quarreled. I think 
they understood that life is a battlefield, 
not between men and women but be- 
tween what for lack of a better descrip- 
tion we must call good and evil, life 
and death. They found each other in a 
shell hole and clung to each other as 
partners in ival partners in =the 
survival of the human race, perhaps, but 
mostly just partners. 

Our home was a bunker with lace 
curtains in which they created their own 
illusion of peace. Yes, it was an illusion, 
and I suppose we shall have no more 
illusions like that ever again—but what 
a pity to have lost them because of 
ability to face the truth, 


sur 


“Basically we like it, bul could she be holding something else?” 


194 


PLAYBOY POTPOURRI 


people, places, objects and events of interest or amusement 


TREADING HEAVILY 
Tired of fighting all that crushing traffic 
at the L.A. airport? Call Rent-A-Tank 
at 213-837-0176 (or write to them at 
P.O. Box 66451, Los Angeles 90066) 
and reserve an eight-ton armor-plated 
tank that hits 55 mph, comfortably 
seats six in its carpeted interior and even 
has color TV. The going rate is $25 per 
hour (two hours minimum), including 
gas and driver, or $160 per day, not in- 
cluding gas. Rommel never had it so good. 


PYRAMIDING YOUR ASSETS 
Who knows what mysterious power lurks within the shape of the Great 
Pyramid of Egypt? The people at The Original Pyramid Hat Company, 
P.O. Box 7294, Liberty Station, Ann Arbor, Michigan 48107, definitely 
don't, but they are banking on the fact that something weird goes on 
when food, embalmed bodies, practically anything is exposed to the 
shape's cosmic forces. And for $4, postpaid, they'll send you a 1212" 
square pyramid hat so you can zip yourself. We feel taller already. 


CAPTIVE VIDEO 
‘Those of you who are considering buying 
one of the VTR units pictured in this 
issue, take note: a guy named Jim Lowe is 
publishing a bimonthly sheet called 
The Videophiles Newsletter out of 
2014 S. Magnolia Drive, Tallahassee, 
Florida 32301, that will tell you practically 
everything you want to know about 
this new industry. The cost for six issues 
is $8 and each is full of info 
on people who have tapes to trade. Any- 
one for reruns of Gilligan's Island? 


BREAD AND BOARD 


Months ago, Potpourri featured a chess game in which a player pitted 

his brain against a computer housed within the board. Now comes a 
computerized backgammon game called Gammonmaster II that Tryom 
Marketing, Suite 6, 8181 N.W. 36th Street, Miami, Florida 33116, is 
selling for $204.50, postpaid. Tryom says that Gammonmaster H 

“likes to play an aggressive offensive game. . . and will defeat the average 
player more often than not and compete evenly with experts.” Good luck. 


SPIN-OFF 
For those who wish to engage 
in Russian roulette without 
having their brains blown out, a 
company called Fun Things, 
Inc. at 667 Madison Avenue, 
New York, N.Y. 10021, is 
marketing for $12.50, postpaid, 
a black-plastic model of a 
revolver cylinder containing 
six plastic bullets, all of which 
spin on a base. When it's time 
to play for drinks, clothes, 
kisses or whatever, each person 
spins the cylinder and then 
removes onc bullet to sec if it 
fits in the hole in the center of 
the cylinder. If it docs, you 
lose—and live to talk about it. 


ALL THAT JAZZ 
If you think that instrumental 
jazz is strictly the province 
of males, you haven't heard the 
legendary Marian McPartland 
or the ageless Mary Lou 
Williams do wondrous things 
with a piano. Should you 
want to hear these and other 
fine musicians—who just 
happen to be women—get 
together for an evening of 
great sounds, plan to attend 
the first Women's Jazz Festival 
to be held March 19 in 
the Kansas City, Kansas, 
Memorial Hall. We must add, 
how , that an eminent 
male jazz authority, Leonard 
Feather, is the evening's m.c 


GOING STRAIT 
Herb Kardeen holds the 
world record for escaping 
from strait jackets, and he 
also has a side line: selling 
strait jackets that have a 
message, any message you'd 
like, silk-screened across 
the chest. The jackets come in 
three sizes, small, medium 
and large, cost $200 each, 
postpaid, and can be ordered 
from Kardeen's Magic, 

c/o Malka Gasner, 28 Sunny- 
crest Road, Willowdale, 
Ontario M2R-2T4. And just 
in case some wiseass friend 
buckles you in for the night, 
they also come with in- 
structions on how to escape. 


NEW STAMPING GROUND 
To personalize your greeting cards, leterheads, 
memos, etc., with nutty antique-type creatures 
and objects, send a buck to The Rubber 
Stamp Catalog, P.O. Box 209, Bristol, Rhode 
Island 02809. You'll get back a 12-page booklet 
illustrating practically every crazy kind of 
rubber stamp you can imagine, from Santa 
Claus to Leda and the Swan, and—best of all— 
they're for sale at prices ranging from two to four 
dollars each. It gets our rubber stamp of approval. 


THERE ONCE WAS... 


Remember the limerick about the unfortunate 
couple named Kelly and what happened to 
them when they confused paste with petroleum 
jelly? Don't send that one when you enter 

the National Limerick Contest that the Folklore 
Society of Mohegan Community College 

in Norwich, Connecticut 06360, is sponsoring. 
‘The first prize is $50; all limericks must be 
original and on an 814" x 11” sheet. 

Only one entry per person, postmarked by 
March I, 1978. Isaac Asimov, author of 


Lecherous Limericks, will pick the winner. 2 


195 


196 


END OF THE WORLD 


(continued from page 126) 


“The weapon’s effect is so devastating that a miss— 
even by more than a mile—is as good as a hit.” 


hundred fifty Minuteman missiles now 
have MIRV warheads; together, they can 
blast as many as 1650 targets—which is 
more than the number of land-based mis- 
siles the Russians have. We have also been 
MIRVing our submarine missiles, with 
ten to 12 warheads on each of the 16 
missiles on each boat. 

A number of us in the Senate tried in 
1970 to suspend the MIRV program, 
pending an attempt to ban MIRVs as 
part of an armecontrol agreement. We 
pointed out that there was no military 
necessity Гог MIRVs, that the Russians 
were at least five years behind in this tech- 
nology and that multiple warheads would 
make it hard to verify compliance with any 
arms-control agreement. Satellites can 
count missiles, submarines and airplanes, 


but they cannot count how many war- 
heads are in a nose cone. Nixon insisted 
g MIRVs immediately, in a 
little-noted decision that may ultimately 
prove to be the most disastrous of all his 
deeds, including Vietnam, Cambodia and 
Watergate. The Russians are now catch- 
ing up in MIRVs, a development that is 
shamelessly cited by the same strategists 
who resisted any restraint seven years ago 
as the latest excuse for speeding up the 
arms race. In a 1974 background brief- 
ing, Secretary of State Kissinger lamely 
wished that he “had thought through the 
implications of a MIRVed world more 
thoughtfully in 1969 and 1970 than I 
did.” 

A MIRVed world is bad enough. But 
silo busting requires a fatal combination 


“You told me you'd explain sex to me in due time. Well, 
it's past due time, because I’m past due.” 


of accuracy and explosive power—a big 
warhead delivered close to the hardened 
target. Neither of those features is needed 
to blow away cities. The weapon's effect 
in such cases is so devastating that a 
miss—even by more than a mile—is as 
good as a hit, But for counterforce against 
missile silos, high accuracy is essential. 

We are now close to pinpoint accu- 
racy. Last October, the United States re- 
fitted 550 Minuteman III les with 
the NS-20 guidance system. (The Pen- 
tagon has a way of detoxifying the apoc- 
alypse by assigning it innocuous names 
and numbers.) NS20 doubled the ac- 
curacy of the 1650 MIRV warheads on 
those missiles, giving them even odds to 
land within 600 feet of any Soviet silo, 
setting off a blast roughly nine times as 
big as the one that destroyed Hiroshima. 
And that is only phase one. In fiscal 1978, 
the Pentagon intends to start mounting. 
the MK-12A warhead on Minuteman mis- 
siles. It will double the size of the yield. 
After those two "advances," each of the 
1650 Minuteman warheads will have 
more than an 80 percent chance of kill- 
ing апу Russian missile at which it is 
aimed. 

Still greater wonders (or horrors) are 
on the horizon. As it stands now, a land 
base is the most reliable place from which 
to launch a precisely accurate missile. 
But the submarines are catching up. The 
best bet as a successor to. MIRV is a 
device with an equally agrceable name— 
a МАКУ, a maneuverable re-entry ve- 
hide. Unlike ballistic-missile warheads, 
which, by definition, can move only like 
a bullet, in the direction they are aimed, 
a MARV can change course in flight. It 
would be a marksman's dream—after 
firing wide, he could reroute the bullet 
to the bull'seye. It could become the 
world's nightmare, inviting nuclear war 
by the very fact that it could threaten to 
disarm the other side in a sudden, sneak 
attack. 

Our military planners are not obliv- 
ious to the alarm about these systems. 
"They simply deny their plain implication 
and then blame the problem, as usual, 
on the Russians. Then-Secretary of De- 
fense James Schlesinger told a Foreign 
Relations subcommittee in 1974: “We 
have no desire to develop a unilateral 
counterforce capability against the Soviet 
Union. What we wish to avoid is the 
Soviet Union's having a counterforce 
capability against the United States with- 
out our being able to have a comparable 
capability.” Our counterforce, he plead- 
ed, was just 2 responsible reaction to 
what the Russians might do. It sounded 
plausible. But Schlesinger was either mis- 
informed or misleading the committee. 
There is no Russian counterforce program 


More 


Any time you light up. merece 

Because More is like any really 
good cigarette. Only more. And it 
gives you more with your very 
first puff. 

You get More satisfaction. 
More smoothness. More mildness. 
And More smoking pleasure. 

It burns slower, too. So you can 
enjoy all that good taste longer. 

When's the right time for More, 
the long, lean, burnished brown 
120mm cigarette? Right now. 


Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined 
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. 


FILTER: 21 mq. "rar", 15 mg. nicotine, MENTHOL 21 mg "tar. 


1.6 mg. nicotine, av, рег cigarette. ЕТС Report AUG. 77. 


197 


PLAYBOY 


198 


in being and, by the best estimates, they 
cannot achieve a counterforce capability 
until long after ours is already in place. 

What the Soviets do have is big mis- 
siles with big warheads. But they have 
such size mainly because they lack 
the technical skill to build smaller, more 
cllicient systems. To be alarmed by their 
throw weight—literally, the poundage of 
vely crude and overw 
ads—is as simple-minded 
h tubes 
to a smaller portable model with 
sistors because bigger must be better. 

The size of warheads is important. But 
if the goal is to knock out a single-point 
target such as a missile silo, size is mean- 
ingles without accuracy. Explosions are 
1, while targets are flat, Doubling 
the size of an plosion will double its 
total force, but much of the increase will 
be vented upward or absorbed downward 
to the ground, with only a 
widening of the radius of de 
For example, if the size of a bomb is 
multiplied ten times, it will have on 
five-times-greater chance of killing a silo; 
but if the size is left alone and the 
curacy is improved tenfold, the silo will 
be 100 times more likely to be killed. 

Ther mathematical formulas to 
account for all the variables—the hard- 
ness of the target, the reliability of the 
missile, the size of the warhead, accuracy, 
and so forth—and then measure how 
lethal cach side's missiles are against the 
other's. Professor Кома Tsipis of МІТ 
has calculated that in 1974, the So 
force was only one 20th of the 
way toward a fairly certain (97 percent) 
capacity to knock out all “enemy” Jand- 


based ssiles in their silos, But the 
United States was more than hallway 
there. 


Professor Tsipis then figured projec- 
tions for the future, assuming that both 
sides would continue the improvements 
they were planning or developing. He 
concluded that the United States could 
threaten all Soviet silos with assured de- 
struction by 1981 or 1982. The Russians 
would not be even a fourth of the way 
n ability to do the same thing to 
experts place them at least ten 
5 behind. 
ely, they can do the same thing, 
of course. Yet, even then, our force will 
be the more thr 


8500. Bur three fourths of th 
is mounted on land-based missiles—the 
kind that would be vulnerable to а 
counterlorce attack. By contrast, less than 
one fourth of our warheads are о 
based missiles; the others are safe under 
iter or on bombers that can be placed on 
alert and flown out of harm's way in case 
of an attack. Thus, by 1081 or 1982, the 
Russians will hav r that we could 


and- 


launch a surprise first strike and wipe 
out most of their power to fight back. 
The American lead is already com- 
manding. We may be too far ahead for 
our own or the world's good. Yet in re- 
cent months, the country has been sub- 
jected to a barrage of scare stories, timed 
nfluence the new Administration, con- 
icc the casual observer 
stantly spend tens of 


to 
trived to conv 
that unless we i 
billions of dollars more on the military, 


we had all better start learn 
Russian. 

Some of the scaremongers have cited 
the momentum of the Soviet missile pro- 
ad complained that the United 

been standing still In fact, 
past ten. years, we have spent 
almost 120 billion dollars to research and 
buy new nuclear weapons beyond the 
cost of maintaining the ones we already 
had. 

Another scare story is that the Soviet 
emphasis on civil defense is a sure s 
that they are preparing а nuclcar-war 
fighting and winning capability. In. fact, 
Soviet civil-defense spending per person 
averages approximately the same amount 
our Western European allies spend. The 
Russian people take a less Strangelovian, 
more realistic, if morbid. view than the 
mongers who regard nuclear war a 
a thinkable, even practi tion 
A popular joke in Moscow goes, Ques- 
tion: “What do you do when you hear 
the alert?” Answer: “Put on а sheet and 
aawl slowly to the cemetery." Q.: “Why 
slowly?" A.: “So you don't spread panic." 

In 1976, the CIA commissioned a 
group of largely non-Government | 
liners to reinterpret the national intel- 
ligence estimate, which until then showed 
the United States in a secure positi 
The group, as expected, concluded 1 
the Soviet Union was determined to 
achieve strategic superiority over the 
United States. In fact, as already noted, 
any superiority in quality and deadliness 
lies entirely on the American side; on 
the other hand, if both sides have enough 
to inflict "unacceptable dam- 
then terms like superiority have no 
practical meaning. More warheads would 
only sift the dust finer. 

A new Committee on the Present Dan- 
ger, including members of the CIA 
group, has warned that unless we escalate 
our defenses, our "military capacity will 
become inadequate to ensure peace 
security.” In fact, one of the greatest 
dangers facing the country is the presence 

та influence of that committee. For it is 
replaying a well-worn scenario that in the 
past was fed hundreds of billions of tax 
dollars and now threatens, in the par- 
lance of the Vietnam Gls, to waste the 
planet itself. The ion had an alleged 
ber gap in the early Fifties, Spu 
and a phony missile gap soon a 


g to speak 


over th 


propo: 


boi 


now the missilesize or throw. 
civil-defense gaps of the Seventies. 


time, the gaps have produced a p: 


icked 
spasm of military spending. Each time, 


the alarms have turned out to be wildly 
exaggerated; cach time, the new arms 
buildup based on inflated American 
fears has later been copied by the Soviet 
Union, thus bringing into real being, 
though belatedly, the very threat that had 
previously existed only in the Pentagon 
i ination. Thereupon, the Paul Re- 
veres congratulate themselves for their 
foresight and think up the next thing the 
Soviet Union might do, so they can sound 
the alarm and get us to do it first. 


Paul Warnke, now director of the 
U.S. Arms Co nd Disarmament 
Agency and chief of our delegation to 


the Strategic Arms Limitation Talks, de- 
scribed the process a few years ago as 
two "apes on a treadmill.” The metaphor 
rufiled some feathers—or fur—and caused 
him some trouble in winning Senate 
confirmation. It sounded as if he were 
nd, as 
pes are. comparatively 
ded. But the analogy expressed 
iy exactly, Neither the United 
States nor the Soviet Union has had the 


elementary sense to get off the treadmill. 
Now the United States is ош front, 
straining to make the treadmill go faster. 


Yet the process is not as mindless as it 
seems. Behind it, there is a world view 
that has the same sort of logical coher- 
nce that many of the insane can cla 
once their assumptions are granted. 
small cabal of influential American hard- 
liners begins with the premise that we 
have far greater financial and technolog- 
ical resources than the Soviet Union. An 

ace costs the Russians relatively 
more. They have to divert a higher per- 
centage of scarce resources than the 
United States does from domestic programs 
that might strengthen their society, such 
as investments in agriculture. By the 
same token, stopping the race would free 
up relatively more of their resources 
Through the prism of е ight-wing 
mue believers, including some members 
of the Congress and Pentagon offici 
along with their allies in the arms indus- 


tries and elements of organized labor, the 
се looks like simply а way, short 


rms 
of war, to tire out and bring down the 
Soviet system. They envision a process 
of mutual exhaustion in which the Rus- 
1 coll ternally while the 
tes is still staggering along, its 
defenses bristling while its economy is 
only almost depleted. 

Representing perhaps a tenth of the 
electorate, such hard-liners exert a dis- 
proportionate influence on arms pol 
‘They plan it thar way. They carefully 
function as "inside" sources for report- 
ers. Excerpts from last year’s hard-line 


pse 


биге Grow 


“But, Fairy Godmother, this isn’t the kind of ball I wished for!” 


PLAYBOY 


200 


intelligence estimates quickly leaked to the 
press, even though they were highly clas- 
d A 
Governor George Wal- 
organizer. the hard- 
liners stimed enough mail and other 
protest to pressure 10 Senators into vot- 
i nst Warnke for armscontol 
ipparendy because he was too 
favor of achieving results. The 
was loud and clear: Forty votes 
are more than enough to deny-the rat- 
ification of any arms-control treaty, which 
would require approval from two thirds 
Senate. 
The military supplies willing help. but 
mostly. 1 think, out of innocence and 
incompetence in what is essentially 
political realm. 11 is their job to imagine 
the worst threats, push for the best weap- 
ons and seek the maximum funds. 
‘Typically. they plan and propose wi 
ошу on the assumption that arms con- 
trol will not happen. In his last report 
in early 1977, retiring Defense Secretary 


sified. With the help of Rich: 
once 


Viguerie, 


> 


Donald Rumsfeld summed up the Pen- 
tagon view: “It must be recognized that 
precisely because technology is dynamic, 
the contributions of arms control to 

i у well be modest and may be 
overtaken on occasion by events.” He 
did not mention d tech- 
nology and our events that have been 
doing the ove s 

There is also a sort of surre: 
work, I recall the carly debate in 1964 
over whether or not the United Sta 
should spend upwards of 100 billion 
dollars to build an antiballisticmissile 
system. There were doubts about whether 
or not it would work: one skeptic ob- 
it was like uying to build an 
bullet" Bur th 


it was our 


antibullet 
figures contended that without the sys- 


Pentagon 


tem. 100,000,000 Americans would die 
in a nuclear war; with it, fatalities might 
be held to “only” 80,000,000. One Sen- 
ator asked how anyone could be against 
а system that would save 20,000,000 lives. 
id to know whether to laugh or 


“Oh, she doesn't charge money, Leo. I'm old-fashioned 


enough to believe a wife shouldn’t work. 


to ay. The overall consequences of nu- 
clear war are so incredible that they are 
ignored. Instead, it is assumed that the 
war will happen and the consequences 
are dealt with in bits and pieces. Writing 
war games becomes literally а game—an 
exercise that is out of touch with the 
most important truth of all, that the only 
rational reason for having these weapons 
is not to fight nuclear war but to pre- 
vent it. 

In 1945, an. American scientist was on 
an observation flight over the first atomic 
target, Hiroshima, shortly after it was 
cked. He described the carnag 


We circled finally low over Hiro- 
shima and м n disbelief. There 
level ground of 
city, scorched red 
But no hun- 
ted this town 
during a long night. One bomber, 
and one bomb. had, in the time it 
takes a rifle bullet to cross a room, 
turned a ci у of 300,000 into a burn- 
z pyre. 


Even the smallest of today's strategic 
nuclear weapons has several times the 
yield of the Hiroshima bomb. If one were 
to explode at midday in Manhatan, the 
shock wave would kill 5,000,000 unpro- 
tected people within four or five miles 
and would demolish buildings almost as 
the Connecticut border. And. 
that would be just the beginning of the 
end: Only 20 percent of the fatalities at 
Hiroshima were caused by the blast. A nu- 
dear explosion over Manhattan would 
generate temperatures of tens of millions 
of degrees centigrade. radiating out like 
the sun's rays. The hi d the fire ste 
would be deadlier than the shod 
would the shori- and long-term radiation 
effeas. The familiar mushroom cloud 
would draw up and contaminate tons of 
earth and debris, to settle back and kill 
millions of people hundreds of miles away. 
And while we know what a single war- 
head will do, we are less certain of the 
combined effect of thousands going off at 
once. There would be a massive deple- 
tion of stratospheric ozone, which filters 
the sun's ultraviolet s. That, in turn, 
could burn crops and animals and dis- 
rupt the climate in ways we cannot pr 
dict accurately. The National Academy 
of Sciences has concluded that if just half 
of the U.S. and Soviet arsenals were 
fired, human beings and other living 
forms would, indeed, survive in consid 
ble numbers—but mostly in the South- 
em suming of cours 
that the war took place north of the equa- 
tor. The Northern Hemisphere would 
have some life, of a sort: Insects, relative- 
ly immune to would multi- 
ply and infest that half of the earth. 
The president of the academy has sug- 
gested that an attacking country would 


radiation, 


be devastated even if the other side did 
not strike back, 

I once believed that Congress could 
halt the mad race; but after years of 
frustration on this issue, 1 now think 
that the only chance rests with the Pres- 
ident—and if he fails, with the America 
people themselves. When scientists say 
something can be done, the President 
must make a hard judgment whether or 
not it should be. The President can tell 
the Pentagon that an exotic new wa 
fighting scenario makes no sense—that 
counterforee, for example, is counter- 
productive, tempting the 
ms to prevent. When hard-liners in- 
Пас the thre: 1 су for excessive 
weapons to thwart arms control, the 
President has to have the courage to say 
по and to defend that decision in the 
public arena. And the President, who 
proposes the budget, can rearrange the 
prior allocate to the Arms Con 
trol rmament Agency a third of 
what the Army spends on brass bands. 

As for the people, Vietnam taught me 
one lesson: When their leaders insist on 
perpetuating a blunder, they can change 
the direction of events. On nuclear pol- 
icy, as on the war, the 80 percent of 
Americans who of 
control must stop trusting the experts, 
assuming that they know best and that 
the matter is too complicated for a dem 
ocratic decision. In fact, the basic ques 
tion of nuclear arms does not require an 
cncydopedie comprehension of strategic 
options and specific weapons. It does not 
require a great expertise but ordinary 
telligence to sense the insanity of nuclear 
war, to grasp the ungodly power we have 
to commit humanocide—insiphts to 
which the experts themselves often seem 
blind. 

ОГ course, the Vietnam example 
that it would take time 
the people to make the politicians see 
the light. This issue probably would be 
harder to organize and win on: Instead. 
of the reality of weckly body counts, 
there is "only" a threat—of ар entire 
nation of casualties. This issue also goes 
to the heart of what Eisen- 


disaster it 


cl 


see the sense ms 


also 


teaches for 


Presidi 


hower called the military-industri 


com 
error, but. their 
interest was peripheral. But someone, 
ny Garter or John Q. Public, has to 


plex. Vietnam was the 


act. The few dissenters in the Congress 
will not prevail if they continue to be 
alone. 

Though it will take time, I think 
hope that we have a few hours left on 
the nuclear clock We have seen the 
dawn of doomsday. Perhaps we сап stop. 
the race to high noon. 


and 


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the English keep dry 
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Gin Screwdriver: 1⁄2 ozs. Gordon's Gin and 3 
ozs. orange juice. Stir in highball glass over 
ice cubes. 


Тот Collins: 172 ozs. Gordon's Gin, juice of Ye 
lemon. Pour over ice in highball glass. Add 
sprinkle of powdered sugar. Fill with soda. Stir. 
Decorate with orange slice and cherry. 


Salty Dog: 1%: ozs. Gordon's Gin over ice 
cubes in old-fashioned glass. Fill with 3 ozs. 
grapefruit juice. Add dash of salt. 


Rickey: 172 ozs. Gordon's Gin. juice from Ve 
lime with rind into highbal! glass with ice cubes. 
Fill with soda water. Stir. 


Daisy: 17 ozs. Gordon's Gin, teaspoon of 
grenadine, juice of V2 lemon, ¥ teaspoon 
powdered sugar. Stir contents over ice cubes in 
highball glass. Add soda water to fill. 


Ginade: 1% ozs. Gordon's Gin over ice cubes 
lemonade. Stir. 


bitters around the glass, remov! 
ice cubes and 2 ozs. Gordon's 


Gin & Cola: 1% ozs. Gordon's 
glass over ice cubes. Fill with. 
of lime. 


Highball: 1%; ozs. Gordon's; 
glass filled with ice. Twist i 
lemon peel. Pour on ginge. 


TV Special: 1% ozs. eac 
orange juice over ice cu 
Fill glass with ginger ale. 


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Lady Shake: 2 ozs. Gordon's Gin, 1 oz. 
Cointreau, 14 oz. lemon juice. Shake well over 
ice cubes. Strain and serve in cocktail glass. 


Gin Bloody Mary: 19: ozs. Gordon's Gin, З ozs- 
tomato juice, juice of % lime wedge. Stir well 
over ice. 


Hawaii: 1¥ ozs. Gordon's Gin and З ozs. 
pineapple juice over ice cubes in highball 
glass, Add cherry. 


Dry Мапїгї: 4 or more parts Gordon's Gin, 1 
part dry vermouth. Stir well in pitcher over ice. 
‘Strain into chilled cocktail glass or over rocks. 
Option: Add lemon peel twist. clive, pearl 
onion. 


Gin Daiquiri: 2 ozs. Gordon's Gin, Y oz. lime. 
juice, % teaspoon sugar. Shake well with ice 
Cubes. Strain and serve in cocktail glass or on 
rocks. 


Gin Sour: 1/2 ozs, Gordon's Gin, juice of a half. 
lemon, ¥: teaspoon sugar. Shake with cracked 
ice. Strain into chilled sour glass. Add splash. 
of soda. Garnish with orange slice and cherry. 


Gimlet: 2 ozs. Gordon's Gin, 1 oz. sweetened 
lime juice. Stir well over ice. Strain into 
cocktail glass. 


Between the Sheets: 1 oz. each Gordon's Gin, 
brandy, Cointreau. Shake well with ice cubes, 
Strain into cocktail glass. 


Gordon's and Squirt: 1% ozs. Gordon's Gin 
over ice in highball glass. Fill with Squirt? 
grapefruit soft drink 


FREE BOOKLET offers 108 recipes. Write 
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201 


PLAYBOY 


202 


WIRED TO THE TEETH 


(continued from page 82) 


“Two out of every front-four defensive linemen or 
offensive linemen in the N.F.L. are on steroids.” 


arcotic. Some world-class track-and-field 
athletes regularly come down from com- 
petitive highs with "Ludes, using beer to 
cover their tracks. It feels good, they 
вау, and relaxes better than marijuana. 
But Quazludes helped along the undoing 
of Freddie Prinze, the young actor, and 
they can be almost as habit-forming as 
the need for speed or steroids before а 
competition. 

Banned by the International Olympic 
Committee but still used extensively by 
athletes and researchers, anabolic steroids 
ауе become the biggest source of debate 
n international. sports. medicine, Uwe 
Bey 31-year-old West German hammer 
thrower, won the European championship 
1971 and broke the world record that 
same year. According to newspaper re 
ports, he said he became so reliant on 
anabolic steroids during his training pro- 
gram for the Montreal Olympics that 
when he stopped taking the pills, "I was 


listless, depressed and despaired of win- 
ning anything. . . . I suffered withdrawal 
symptoms like a drug addict." 

"The use of steroids is not limited to 
Two out of every front- 


k and field. 
four defensive linemen or offensive line- 
men in the N.EL. are definitely on 
steroids,” one reliable source said. 

The steroids form a group of chemi- 
cal compounds that resemble cholesterol. 


They are naturally produced by m 
plants and animals and are divided into 
three broad categories—estrogens, andro. 
gens and corticosteroids. Anabolic steroids 
are hormones derived from androgens— 
male hormones. The party line on ster- 
oids is that they increase the size of muscle 
fiber. But they hi so been linked 
with thickness of skin, beard growth, de- 
velopment of male organs and lowered 
voice pitch. One of the most frequently 
recounted episodes of the 1976 Olympics 
was the question put to an East Germ 
coach about the deep voices among m: 
East German women swimmers. 

“We have come here to swim, not to 
sing,” the coach replied. 

Steroids have a body-building effect 
on tissues and tendons, promote weight 
gain and assimilate protein. It is thi 
impr 
athletes into beli 
make them big 

Unfortur 
steroid. process evolves through t 
error. Little clinical information 
able from the 


vement of muscle mass that lures 


ng these drugs w 
er, stronger and faster. 
ately for many athletes, the 
and 
avail- 
nies 


various drug comp. 


on the exact dosage that the body can 
utilize for athletic performance. Experi- 
mentation with unusually large dosages 
of steroids over a short period of time 
can lead to nausea, 1055 of appetite, а 
feeling of fullness and acne. Several years 


“The sky is certainly a beautiful blue today, 
isn’t it, Miss Simkins? Check with production 
and see if something’s wrong.” 


ago, an embarrassing problem with nym- 
phomania reportedly developed among 
a group of Bulgarian women athletes 
being administered héavy steroid dosages. 
Many Western observers found it diffi- 
cult to believe that the muscular Bul- 
garian women would be capable of any 
sex drives. But apparently the effect of 
Lwge doses of androgens is much differ- 
ent for women and men. Female athletes 
taking steroids have, in fact, been known 
to develop stronger relationships than 
usual with male coaches. 

The question of sex drive is a major 
source of the steroid debate. Male ath- 
letes are warned about shrinking tes 
cles, impotency or dwindling urges but 
one weight man in track and field says 
flatly, “I get better erections than ever 
when I'm on steroids.” Since steroids ap- 
pa ational scene only 
within the past 15 years, it may be that 
long again before an accurate me: 
ment is available for th 

Don Reinhoudt, Jr., of Fredoni: 
York, the four-time world powerlifting 
champion who set 20 world records, is 32 
rs old, weighs 365 pounds and believe: 
that һе, not Vasily Alexeyev, is the world’s 
strongest man. He has challenged the 
Russian to a liftoff, has written him 
letters (never answered) and is annoyed 
that people perceive Alexcyev as Mr. 
Clean. Yet Reinhoudt does not believe 
that steroids, properly supervised, will 
shorten a man’s penis or his life expect- 
icy. "Just because a guy uses Dianabol 
to get strong doesn't mean he's a pill- 
head," Reinhoudt 

Until the Montreal Olympics, anabolic 
steroids received little more than. yellow 
caution flags from international sports 
bodies. Th sting procedures 
were developed to determine if an ath- 
lee was using them and they were 
banned by the International Olympic 
Committee. But birth-control pills are not 
banned, and any number of women ath- 
letes appear to be following Loretta 
Lynn's advice and turning to the pill in 
pursuit of world records and gold med 

Eva Wilms is a West German student 
who competes in the pentathlon, the five- 
event women's equivalent of the decath- 
Jon. Last spring, she set the world record; 
the secret, according to her trainer, Chris- 
an Gehrmann, is the pill. “The сотта 
ceptive pill can achieve results 
with women athletes,” Gehrmann says. 
Working with а gynecologist to determine 
Wilms's hormone count, the pair selected 
one of the 55 to 60 brands of contra- 
ceptive pills marketed in West Germany 
that would provide a balance of hor- 
mones, maximize muscle mass and keep 
Wilms from becoming pregnant. The 
result was a bigger, stronger body, better 
performances and, most important, 
threat of penalties that might accrue 


no 


under a program of anabolic steroids. 

Wilms's success has prompted several 
American coaches to start their athletes 
on a program of weights and birth- 
control pills. But unless there is close 
mcdical supervision to maintain an ath- 
lete's hormonal balance, undesirable psy- 
chologi ical side effects could nullify the 
physical gains. 
Pill popping is not the only way to a 
gold medal. Another source of 
controversy and experimentation is the 
process of blood. packing, or "blood dop- 
ing,” as it has become popularly known. 
An athlete gives up a pint or a quart of 
whole blood during а 
period. He continues training and then 
receives the blood back into his system 
wecks later, shortly before a major com- 
petition. The reinfusion theoretically 
increases the athlete's strength and 
idurance and is thought to be a signifi- 
cant g aid for distance runners, 
mountain climbers and weight lifters. 

Before leaving West Germany to join 
the New York Cosmos of the North Amer- 
ue, Franz Beckenbauer, 
the captain of the national team, ad- 
mitted undergoing blood doping. And 
and's Lasse Viren, the Olympic gold 
medalist at 5000 and 10,000 meters in 
Montreal, has been accused of it. 

NU DHT the early research in blood 


si 


recent 


doping began in Scandinavia. A Swedish 
runner, Bjorn Eckblom, used the tech- 
nique on himself in the early Seventie 
and concluded that it had a beneficial 
effect. However, recent studies have pro- 
duced more questions than answers. 

“Some people are always looking for a 
magic ingredient to increase their per- 
formance, but training remai 
est way,” said Dr. Robert Ruhling, the 
director of the Human Performance Re- 
search Laboratory at the University of 
Utah, who, with A. J. Frye, experimented 
with 16 students in a single blind study 
“We haven't found any evidence that 
blood reinfusion is the answey.” 

Blood doping, though forbidden, is im- 
possible to detect, and Viren has denied 
any involvement in experiments. Still, 
jokes about distance runners and Dracula 
having the same objecti 
treated lightly. 


the sur- 


are no longer 


. 
East Germany is considered one of the 
big three alongside the Soviet Union and 
the United States in international sports 
The East Germans have been the source 
of continued speculation over their use of 
scientific testing and drugs to increase 
the strength and speed of their athletes, 
icularly-their women. 
lois Mader was а member of East 
ermany’s closely guarded medical sports 


program until he defected to the West 
several years ago. During meetings earlier 
last year with top American sports 
medicine officals, Dr. Mader explained 
the secret of the East German success: It 
was not the amount of drugs administered, 
he said, nor the type of drugs, but the 
scientific controls placed over the pro 


gram. Relatively small dosages of ana- 
bolic steroids are used, so that there is 
no suppression of their own matur; 

hormone production. Athletes arc en 
couraged to start ster : or birth- 


control pills during their maturing years, 
between 14 and 15, to provide morc 
muscular strength and allow for changes 
to other hormones. There is continued 
monitoring of athletes at all levels of their 
maturation, especially before, during and 
after competition. Adjustments are made 
in their drug intake to correspond to 
specific stress levels. 

"Ehe East German approach 
ated jealousy and a divided atmosphere 
among many athletes, coaches and officials 
in the West, who wonder whether or not 
success is worth the price of such scientific 
intensity. There are almost as many un- 
confirmed reports as confirmed ones about 
how far some Eastern countries will go. 

One American doctor stated that some 
East German women swimmers competed 
in Montreal with plastic inserts in their 

vaginas that could be squeezed to provide 


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pure urine samples for postcompe 
medical tests. 

That experiment hardly seemed as pain- 
ful as the reputed attempt by West 
German swimming officials to improve 
the buoyancy and speed of their athletes 
before Montreal by using syringelike 
pumps to inject one half gallon of com- 
pressed air into the swimmers’ large i 
testine through the aperture. 

“The method was suitable for crawl 
and backstroke specialists,” Walter Kusch, 
swimmer, told the Bonn newspaper 
Rundschau, “But for a breast-stroker like 
myself, the result was that my feet often 
stuck out of the water. 
"The whole thing was unpleasant,” 
knowledged Peter Nocke, an Olympic 
bronze medalist in the 100-meter free 
style, who said he took part in the exper 
ments but won his medal “honorably.” 

. 

Although drugs have bee 
with sports for decades, the public still 
remains more interested in the final won- 
lost record of their team than in the 
amount of cortisone, Quxzlude or Diana- 
bol taken by the stars. 

Imagery is an important clement in 
sports today, amateur and professional. 
The National Football League could not 
afford a large-scale drug scandal; in fact, 
drugs and point shaving are the two areas 
that send the most shivers through the 
league's Park Avenue offices. 

Bill Toomey, the 1968 Olympic gold 
medalist in the decathlon, once threat- 
ened to sue Jack Scott, the sports activist. 
over an article Scott wrote on drugs for 
The New York Times Maga: п 1971 
Toomey phoned me several times before 
and after the article appeared, because 
we knew each other and I worked for 
the Times. He claimed that any disclosure 
would affect certain contracts he had 
signed with companies. He was concerned 
with the impact the story, which he 
claimed was false, might have on his ca- 
reer. Scott stuck to his sources. 

А drug habit may have killed Joc 
's pro-football career; the New 
Orleans Saints gave the former Pittsburgh 
Steeler quarterback a tryout List summ 
on the condition that he stay clean, but 
cut him before the scason began. Heroin 
ddiction unquestionably squelched the 
N.B.A. dreams of Cyril Baptiste, а 677” 
forward, who had signed a six-figure con- 
tract with the Golden State Warriors after 
an impressive collegiate career at Creigh- 
ton University. Baptiste's drug problems 
began as curiosity during his sophomore 
year at Creighton and became so intense 
my 

next shot was coming and how I could 

get it.” Even after Baptiste was rebabili. 
204 tated and returned to competition in the 


PLAYBOY 


ne 


thats all 1 thought about—when 


Eastern League, no N.B.A. team was will- 
ing to sign him. 

George Frenn says he knows a couple of 
wack-and-field athletes who are traffick- 
ing in heroin on the West Coast. "I've 
stopped preachin now," he says. "I used 
to try to tell guys, "Don't get loaded, it 
won't do you any good.’ But we're past 
that stage- Now I tell them, ‘If you need 
something, don't use as much; go easy. 
The trouble is nobody listens anymore. 
105 like a pendulum. Guys are getting 
really high to compete. Then they stalk 
the room in need of something to help 
them sleep. The cycle is vicious and the 
pressure to stay on top won't let them off.” 

. 

Doug Young, the three-time world pow- 
erlifting champion from Brownwood, 
‘Texas. has been studying the drug scene 
sports for more than ten years, with 
particular emphasis on anabolic steroids. 
He says he has spent "a 10: of money and 
а lot of trial and error to find out what 
is right and wrong on steroids” and was 
suspended briefly several years ago by a 
state federation, as much for his outspoken 
views as anything, 

Young believes any man dedicated 

enough to run 40 miles a day is no less 
foolish than a man willing to take steroids 
in a controlled. program. Steroids should 
be legalized, he says, to protect the ath- 
lete, "because they're going to use them 
anyway.” 
Even more ludicrous to Young is the 
fact that inter ional federations de 
velop testing procedures and pass new 
rules to. penalize athletes for taking ster- 
oids while the athletes and the researchers 
find new methods to beat the system. 

Young knows of at least two ways to 
beat the c nt test for steroids, aside 
from having your body flushed in the 11th 
hour by a powerful diuretic. The first 
is to stop taking the pills or injections 
seve ys before a competition. “You 
won't lose more than two percent of 
your potential" he says The second 
method is to shift the i e to a natural 
form that can be absorbed through the 
tissues and will not show up in tests as 
anything other than normal hormones. 
This method is likely to become the 
escape valve of athletes by 1980, and any 
competitor who is disqualified for steroids 
at Moscow, according to Youn 
smart enough to win a gold medal, 
anyway. 

The International Weightlifting Fed- 
eration, embarrassed by the disqualifica- 
tions for steroids in Montreal and by 
reports of pill popping at national cham- 
pionships. has voted in new regulations: 
No world records will be recognized un- 
les doping control procedures are in- 
cluded at major events; and regular 
teams of investigators will be assigned to 
police championships. 


Unfortunately, new crackdowns by fed- 
erations and leagues and tighter restri 
tions on the distribution of amphetamines 
by the FDA and physicians have only 
sent athletes underground. Regular trips 
across the border to Mexico and Canada 
are now made to stock up. 

"Athletes aren't going to quit just 
because there's no factory stuff available,” 
says Frenn, "But what's bad is that thc 
stuff on the street is cheap and dirty. Its 
anything goes in some of those factories. 
nd you're likely to get rat poison instead 
of Dexedrine.” 

But can athletes stop? And can the 
sports federations endure major drug 
sandals? The International Cycling 
Union's modest $300 fine and month- 
long suspension of Freddy Maertens, Eddy 
Merckx and four others last May for 
using a banned drug to combat fatigue 
were a mere slap on the wrist. Yet what 
else could the union do? It needs the 
stars for the survival of the sport, so drugs 
are an annoyance to be tolerated. 

Even attempts by the International 
Olympic Committee to find solu 
wind up creating greater problem: 
1972, the LO.C. disqualified an asthm: 
United States gold-medal swimmer, Rick 
DeMont, after his urinalysis showed u 
of ephedrine, a drug it had banned. 
DeMont had used a prescription com- 
pound, Marax, to curb his wheezing and 
coughing. Ephedrine is a component of 
Marax. As a concession for 1976, the 
LO.C. approved the usc of terbutaline 
sulphate as a remedy for athletes afflicted 
with asthma. 

“The I.O.C. felt terbutaline was not a 
stimulant.” says Dr. Anderson, who works 
at Bowdoin College in Brunswick, Maine. 
“But from my own clinical experience 
with the drug, m to be a fairly 
significant. stimulant and could well be 
ngerous, or even fatal, if you took it in 
significantly high dosages." 

Where will it end? More money and 
prestige are being pumped into the Sup 
Bowl and the Olympic, but mo two 
sports can agree on how to police the 
drug problems effectively, and no nation- 
al agencies have been set up to bridge the 
gap between the athletes and the officials. 

George Frenn made his first national 
team at the age of 21. He never touched 
a drug until he was 25. He has watched 
his own physician's attitude change from 
one of “How many do you want” to 
monthly quota. 

“Is time we confront the problem,” 
Frenn says. “Let's sit down and figure 
where we're at and where we're going. 
The athletes need to know, and they want 
to know, but they won't beg for the 
formation until it’s too late, By then, 
they're crawling, and anything you tell 
them won't help.” 

a 


UNCOMFORTABLE. 


| TRIUMPH Triumph TR7 brings a new 


y) level of comfort and handling to 
I&vcaes| the ranks of the affordable sports car. TR7 has a 
combination of features no other single sports cor сап match. 

THE INTERIOR. Open the door of a TR7. It's actually wider 
inside than a Datsun 280Z. Wider than a Corvette. 

Road & Track says: "The interior is spacious and luxurious, 
the gauges and controls are all in the right places and the 
seats are comfortable with easily adjustable backrests.” 

THE SHAPE. Let your eye linger for a moment on TR7's 
aerodynamic profile. The engine is canted 

sm 45-degrees for a hoodline 

that results ina 
wind-cheating wedge. 

TR7's race-proven 
shape won three SCCA 
visions in 1977 by 
beating Porsche, Datsun, 
and Alfa-Romeo. 

THE HANDLING. TR7 embraces the road with eight generous 
inches of suspension travel and wide 185 steel-belted radials. 

Precise rack-and-pinion steering gives 
the TR7 superb directional stability. 


MacPherson strut front suspension 
contributes to TR7's impressive 
handling; Motor Trend rated 
TR7's cornering power in the 


same league as Ferrari Dino p 
and Lotus Europa. 

THE LUXURIES. TR7 
is the lowest priced 


WHY OUR COMFORTABLE SPORTS CAR 
IS MAKING OTHER SPORTS CARS — 


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available in Calif.). 

You may also select factory air conditioning, a sunroof, 
luggage rack, racing stripes, and one of several 
AM/FM radios and tape players. 


Porsche 924, Alfa-Romeo, 
nearest Triumph s 


THE PRICE. One of TR7's most comfortable fea- X 
turesis the price. It's considerably less than 
Lancia, ond Datsun 2807. \ \ 
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comfortable sports car. 
For the name of your 
; dealer call: 800-447-4700. In 
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, British Leyland Motors Inc., 
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ОМ.ТНЕ.5СЕГМЕ 


HABITAT: 


CUTTING UP IN THE KITCHEN 


B ertie Wooster had Jeeves to do his cutting, chopping, for a food processor, a machine that’s the greatest boon to 


slicing, blending, grinding, grating and my-Aunt- bachelorhood since Don Ameche invented the telephone. 
Agatha-knows-what-else out in the scullery. But dash Owning one may not be quite the same as having Jeeves at 
it all, old bean, you're positively dished—unless, of your elbow ready with canapés ora chocolate mousse, buti 
course, you've used your noggin and traded in some tenners almost as quick. And the handy thing never goes on holiday. 


Below, clockwise from 12: Norelco's food processor features a quiet direct-drive motor plus a special Pulse Action switch for split-second 
on-off precision, $109.95. Model CFP-9, by Cuisinarts, is the flagship of the processors pictured here; it's sturdy, well made and quiet, 
$160. Farberware's entry comes with four blades (as do most of the processors); a low profile—only 12" high—makes it easy to clean 
and store, $120. The С.Е. model features a two-in-one reversible disk, pulse on-off switch and an extra-tall food chute, $89.98. 
American Electric’s model cuts, chops, slices, blends, purées, etc., and features an overload control and an instant-stop button, $59.95. 


RICHARD IZUI 


SPORTS 


ONE TO GO 


INTERSTICK. As surfers ride the waves and skate- 

boarders ride the concrete, those on a Winter- 

stick ride the slopes. Although the board is 

controlled somewhat like a skate board (turns 
are executed by bending and extending your legs), it is far 
from being a toy; the Winterstick is a highly developed 
piece of sports equipment that allows precision control and 
phenomenal speeds. 

Surfers can relate to the feeling of flying down an end- 
less slope on a thin sheet of glass. You're on the biggest 

WINTERSTICK Wave ever, and it 
refuses 
The wind and snow 
blow in your face 
as you surf around 
a pine or hop a 
mogul. The wave 
goes on and on. 

The Swallowtail 
Winterstick is 
about a foot wide, 
five feet long and 
а half inch thick. 
Renée Sessions, 
skier and Wintersticker, describes it as an “interface 
between you and the snow—it's sort of like it's not there.” 
But on this thin sheet of glass, you are practically free- 
falling down the slope with only your balance and wits to 
keep you on the board. On skis, you are securely bound in 
bindings and heavy, awkward boots. You can ride the 
Winterstick in any hiking boots with sturdy soles. 

A skeg along the bottom of the stainless-steel-and- 
urethane board stabilizes the board and increases its 
controllability. A slight movement of the body will cause 
the finely developed edge to catch so turns are smooth 
and quick. The front of the skeg will slip into the snow 
and stop the board after the rider falls or jumps off. A 
textured geometric pattern on the board keeps boots 
from sliding off, and the Winterstick has an elastic strap 
that crosses over each foot and serves as a kind of “bindless 
binding"; you're not attached to the board (meaning total 
freedom, in addition to no broken legs), but the board 
stays with you on jumps, spins and whatever else you can 
manage to do in the air. 

The Swallowtail Winterstick is priced around $250; a 
Roundtail model goes lor about $190. But that's all you 
need to hit the slopes. No bindings, poles, ski boots. 

The Winterstick Company, Inc, 2225 South Fifth East, 

Salt Lake City, Utah 84106. 
‘SINGLE SKI. Two heads may be better 
than one, but there is some question 
when it comes to the number of skis; 
you can do things on one that you'll 
never be able to do on two. And one 
ski is actually faster and safer in any 
type of snow than the standard duo, In 
а sense, Single Skiing is to skiing what 
slaloming is to water-skiing: control, 
speed—a totally new experience. 

Mike Doyle, rated world's best 
surfer in 1965 and 1966, and Bill 
Bahne, engineer and surfboard manu- 
facturer, got together to create the 
Single Ski. “If you can do it on water, 


JACOBS / ESCHENFELDER. 


TOMMY LEE 


to break.. 


SINGLE SKI 


why not on snow?” they asked. Why not, indeed? 

Although the Single Ski is faster on powder than double 
skis—since you can plane the powder other skiers sink 
into—Doyle appreciates the control more than the speed 
of the Single Ski and concentrates on the “aesthetic 
approach to skiing.” He says, “The big thing has always 
been the fastest route down the hill. But I take the long, 
more pleasant way. 1 go up the wall of а «now bowl 
as high as my speed will take me. Then I swerve down and 
go up the other wall, like riding up and down a wave.” 

The Single Ski is 
on the market for 
about $250 (not 
including boots, 
bindings, etc). 
The board is ac- 
tually a wide-sur- 
face ski, six feet, 
five inches long, 
eight and a quar- 
ter inches wide. 
Standardbindings 
are placed side 
by side. You lock 
your ski boots in, put your knees together and you're off. 

Bahne & Company, P.O. Box 326, Encinitas, California 

92024. 
SNURFBOARD. Sherman Poppen, a skier, developed the 
Snurfer to entertain his two young daughters. He tied two 
short wooden skis together and his daughters were soon 
standing on the resulting contraption, sliding down the 
snow-covered slope of their back yard. Poppen experi- 
mented with features of the water ski for greater width and 
increased stability. A tether rope was added to the front of 
the board for balance and a shaped keel was carved into 
the rear to increase control. Staples in the board provided 
footing for hiking boots. Voila! The Snurfer. 

Nick Johnson, an expert skier, is now considered the 
world’s greatest Snurfer. He can do things on a Snurfboard 
that the Poppens couldn't have imagined. 

"Snurfing is a sport to be explored," says Johnson. “The 
design of the board and the dynamics of style all need 
revising.” The wooden boards can break. Johnson went 
through 12 last season, though he admits he is exception- 
ally rough on them. Also, the only connection between the 
rider and the board is boots on a rough surface. There are 
no bindings nor straps and any hill or large mogul can 
mean the loss of the board. 

"Still, as with skiing, the better a Snurfer you are, the 
more intense the sport becomes," 
Johnson says. "The longer you can re- 
main on the board, the faster you go. I 
know I have exceeded 40 miles per hour 
on the back bowls of Alta and Heavenly 
Valley, and that can be sheer panic.” 

The Snurfer is inexpensive, about 
$15 for the standard model. The JEM. 
Corporation, which currently owns the 
patent for the boards, stopped making 
them for a while, but increased de- 
mand encouraged it to go back into 
production this winter. 

The JEM Corporation, P.O. Box 554, 
Marion, Virginia 24354. —DAVID SHEFF 


SNURFROARD 


CLARK 


GADGETS 


YOUR OWN PET COMPUTER 


f you think man’s best friend is his pet dog, then you 
haven't seen the portable Model 2001 PET home com- 
puter that Commodore, an international electronics 
company, has just introduced at “the mind-boggling 


actor) features a TV screen, a keyboard that's as simple to 
use as a typewriter, a self-contained cassette recorder that 
is the source for programs and for storing data and a 
memory system. What's it do? Just about everything from 


price of only $595. The PET (Personal 


DOODLER 


EAE 


GAME PLAYER 


STOCK-PORTFOLIO AUDITOR 


Electronic Trans- 


Pictured here is just a sampling of PET’s 
capabilities, beginning with, top left: a 
doodle of Starship Enterprise that’s been 
drawn on the screen via one’s punching key- 
board keys that activate various graphic 
symbols, such as squares, line segments, etc. 
Left center: The electronic game Gomoku, a 
king-sized version of ticktacktoe, pits you 
against PET's brain power; you choose a 
square and the computer counters by 
choosing one—the first to obta 
secutive squares wins. Left below: This pro- 
gram keeps track of your investments by 


c con- 


SYMBOL FLASHER 


displaying bar graphs tabulating the buying 
and selling of stocks you own. Center: И 
you don't recognize this electronic sketch, 
Charley, you've got no business buying a 
computer. Top right: Scientific experiments 
can also be worked on your PET—or, if 
you'd like to keep tabs on Con Edison, you 
can hook an oscilloscope up to the com- 
puter and monitor the fluctuations in your 
pad's A.C.-voltage level. Right center: PET 
will also maintain your personal checkbook 
records on a program that logs a cumulative 
record of your deposits and expenses. Fur- 
thermore, it can also be programmed to 
give monthly balances and records of how 
the money was spent. Right below: You'll 
be hard pressed to lear budding Fangios 
away from РЕТ race-car program; once 
you've started your engine, the flag is down 
and you're off and running down a winding 
road that can be programmed to various 
degrees of difficulty. As if that isn’t enough, 
your PET can also teach languages and 
mathematics, store recipes and turn on ap- 
pliances and temperature controls—all for 
just $595. Our computer says it's a steal. 


RICHARD 170 


maintaining personal records to answering the telephone. 


CURRENT MONITOR 


CHECKBOOK BALANCER 


RACE-CAR DRIVER 


209 


210 


»—GRAPEVINE 


mE 


Why Is This 
Man Barefoot? 


Pictured here after per- 
forming at the Rock 
Music Awards, ROD 
STEWART: 

1. Lost his shoes to 
some groupies whom 
he tried to keep at bay 
with the bottle. 

2. Is playing off the 
title of his most recent 
album, "Foot Loose & 
Fancy Free.” 

3. Is playing off Britt 
Ekland’s $15,250,000 
lawsuit charging that 
Stewart owes her com- 
pensation for агі 
and romantic inspira- 
tion and he's trying to 
tell her he's broke. 

4. 15 on his way to 
soccer practice, his 
third favorite thing ай- 
er women and song. 

There will be an oral 
exam in the morning. 


"Baby" Talk 


For a movie that hasn't been released yet, "Pretty Baby” is already vying for a place in the Publicity Hall of Fame. Set in a New Orleans 
bordello, it stars 12-year-old model Brooke Shields as a fledgling whore, and the suggestion of kiddie porn has caused a great deal of talk. 
Director LOUIS MALLE, however, says he's fed up with all the gossip. “God,” he told PlAvnOY, I'm tired of being presented as a 
aire rake who fucks his leading ladies—as if my films were not the important thing. Well, my films are the important thing.” The leat 
lady the rumors are about this time isn't Brooke Shields; it's the other star of the film, Susan Sarandon, an offscreen companion. 


— 


| 


Who's on Top? 

Sometimes body language says it all. In the movie version of 
the best seller “Looking for Mr. Goodbar’ (above), actor TOM 
BERENGER is one of Diane Keaton’s screen lovers, and here 
he's the one on the bottom. But in the forthcoming film “In 
Praise of Older Women,” in which Susan Strasberg plays one 


of his lovers (below), Berenger gets top billing of a sort. If 
there’s a moral there somewhere, it sure beats the hell out of us. 


2 CHIU | MICHELSON , 


* 
a 
N 


1977 MAUREEN LAMBRAY 


HOLZ J MICHELSON 
Justice Isn’t Blind, She’s Wearing Shades 


Isn't that EVEL KNIEVEL behind those Foster Grants? We caught this photo of America's 
most famous daredevil on his way into court. Obviously heeding the advice that one 
dresses conservatively for the bar, Knievel abandoned his red, white and blue jump suit for 
a trim suit coat. The charge: assaulting biographer Sheldon Saltman with a baseball bat. 
Saltman wrote that Knievel was into booze, pills and anti-Semitism, so Knievel hit several 
line drives off Saltman's body. Saltman suggested a new stunt for Knievel: a leap into jail. 


DAVID CHAN 


Shear Determination 


When RHONDA SHEAR put on an antebel- 
lum gown to be photographed by PLAYBOY 
for April’s “The Girls of the New South” 
(she is shown here in that outfit and as Miss 
Louisiana), she became involved in a con- 
troversy that has been swirling ever since. 
Because of her PLAYBOY appearance, Shear 
lost her title as Miss Floral Trail Queen. That 
was a mistake, as the local New Orleans 
political community has come to understand. Last fall, Shear 
found that a prominent member of the committee that dumped 
her was running for city register of conveyances. She entered the 
election and, though she lost, she received over 32,000 votes, 
more than any woman had ever received in 2 New Orleans 
election before. “1 will run again for something. I've been bitten 
by the bug,” says Shear. She adds, “The dress | wore in PLAYBOY 
was exactly the kind of dress I was going to wear as Miss Floral 
Trail Queen.” Hell hath no fury . . . well, you know the zest. 


© 1971 MAUREEN LAMBRAY 


211 


212 


FUN IN THE SUN 


Our grandparents made love in total darkness. Every now 
and then. At least one of them didn’t enjoy it. The reason: 
Sunlight and sex are closely related. Dr. Russel J. Reiter of 
the University of Texas Health Service Center at San Antonio 
has studied the effect of darkness on the pineal gland, a tiny 
but important organ that controls our sexual behavior. The 
gland is able to detect differences in light. When kept in 
the dark, it produces an antisex hormone that inhibits the 
reproductive process and indirectly 
diminishes desire. As the amount of 
light increases, the amount of anti- 
sex hormones in the blood stream de- 
creases. Dr. Reiter notes that when 
Admiral Peary explored the North 
Pole, he discovered that sexual ac- 
tivity almost disappeared during the 
month-long winter night. Eskimo 
women actually stopped menstruat- 
ing during the long darkness. As 
summer approached and the sunlight 
returned, so did sexual activity. 
Noses were rubbed. Babies were born. 
Reiter explains that the pineal gland 
is probably the result of evolution. 
Offspring born in the spring and sum- 
mer have a greater chance for survival, 
so the body invented a time clock to 
tell when it was the season for sex. 
Let's hear it for the afternoon delight. 


SEX—1500; DIAL-A-PRAYER—0 


Last May, the city of St. Louis began 
a free medical hotline. Worried cit- 


SEX NEWS 


initiation: You may have heard of Sweet Sixteen. How about 
Foul Fifteen? If a girl has sex by the time she is 15, she is 
more likely to have many sexual partners before marriage, 
to have extramarital sex during marriage, to be more sex- 
ually experimental and active and to be less happy in 
general and in her marriage. Save it for the prom, girls. The 
Tavris-Sadd book is witty, insightful and the statistics are 
significant. Meanwhile, back at the newsstand, Ladies’ 
Home Journal sponsored Beyond the Male Myth: What 
Women Want to Know About Men's Sexuality, by Dr. 
Anthony Petropinto and Jacqueline 
Simenauer. Apparently, women want 
to know that half of the 4000 men in- 
terviewed thought that the ideal sex 
life was monogamous marriage; 49.5 
percent reported that they had never 
cheated on their wives or steady girl- 
friends. As for enjoying sex: 40.3 per- 
cent of the men reported that sex was 
more enjoyable than ever; 59.1 per- 
cent reported that hugging and kiss- 
ing without intercourse were the cat's 
meow (making out is making a come- 
back?). Only 12.3 percent said they 
had a real need for sex, while 4.8 
percent said they engage in sex most- 
ly to please a woman. 


EVERYBODY LOVES SOME BODY 


Don't act surprised. Don't say we 
didn't warn you. But the latest scien- 
tific study has found that men prefer 
women with large breasts. Women 
are attracted to moderate-sized men 
with small asses. But there’s more to 


izens could dial a central number and 
ask to hear tapes on various health- 
related topics. It was a nice way for 
housewives to pass the time until 
General Hospital came on the tube. 
After several months, the St. Louis 


Our friends in Southeast Asia have a 
thing for phallic imagery. First, there was 
the Thai Stick—a bit of marketing genius 
for the terminally blitzed. Now comes 
Red Cock—a local whiskey. Is that what 
they mean by truth in advertising? 


life than tits and ass. Dr. Sally Beck 
of Butler University at Indianapolis 
showed a series of male and female 
profile silhouettes to 87 men and 
115 women undergraduates. She 
hoped to determine what kinds of 


Society for Medical and Scientific 

Education released a report on the most requested tapes. 
Number one with a bullet was something called “Female 
Sexual Response.” The tape was played more than 1000 
times and eventually had to be replaced. Little wonder. 
Maybe the tape needed a cigarette. The society reported 
that the next most popular tape was “Homosexuality,” 
which received 500 calls. Anita Bryant, rest easy: Straights 
are still on top in St. Louis. 


A SURVEY OF SEX SURVEYS 


It's gotten to where you can't walk out of your house with- 
out someone asking "How's your love life?" If it's not the 
man from UltraBrite, it's a sex researcher from Redbook or 
ladies’ Home Journal. For women, there's The Red- 
book Report on Female Sexuality, by Carol Tavris and 
Susan Sadd. Subtitle: “100,000 Married Women Disclose 
the Good News About Sex" Some of that news: The 
stronger a woman's religious beliefs, the more likely she is 
to feel satisfied with her sex life; nearly all married women 
under 40 enjoy oral sex (both giving and taking) and about 
half that number have tried anal sex. Women who have 
had sex before marriage are as likely as those who were 
virgins at marriage to be happily married, to experiment 
sexually in marriage, to enjoy sex and to have it often. The 
single most interesting statistic recorded age and sexual 


physiques had the most attraction 
for what kinds of people. She found that men who are 
attracted to large busts are more aggressive and independ- 
ent than men who prefer women with smaller measure- 
ments. What kind of man reads рілувоү? For that matter, 
what kind of woman reads Playgirl? There are some interest- 
ing differences. Women who enjoy sports, other kinds of 
physical activity and who see themselves as less traditionally 
feminine go for large males. Women who see themselves 
as feminine and home centered like moderate-sized men. 
Women who see themselves as reserved and/or who come 
from upper-class backgrounds where thinness is valued 
select small men. (If you want to marry a rich girl, lose а 
few inches.) Women who are attracted to men with small 
asses and large chests have a desire to achieve (especially 
academically), while women who prefer men with smaller 
chests and legs tend to be passive and indecisive. Oh, yes: 
Women admire other women who have small, trim figures. 


MALE-CHAUVINIST MALLARD 


Zoologist David P. Barash spent 558 hours observing 
ducks at the University of Washington. He witnessed 89 
cases of mallard rape in that time. The score card: 64 of 
the rapes were gang-bangs by two to nine mallards. In 31 
cases, the victim's mate came to the rescue. In 39 cases, 
the victim's mate also attempted intercourse. Quack. E 


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By simply adjusting its 
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fine-tune The Beam Box on 
any FM signal coming from 


PLEASE SAY 


ВЕЕ EYE CEE” 61977 BRITISH INDUSTRIES CD. 


any direction. Because The 
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It maximizes the signal 
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signals you don't want. 

If you've had problems 
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The Beam Box should 


effective FM antenna has 
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For possibly the first 
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*KALKI"—DON'T LOOK NOW, BUT THE END OF THE WORLD IS 
COMING. THE AUTHOR OF MYRA BRECKINRIDGE INVENTS A 
BIZARRE SCENARIO FOR APOCALYPSE—BY GORE VIDAL 


BOB DYLAN, IN AN EXCEEDINGLY RARE CANDID DISCUSSION, 
TALKS ABOUT HIS OWN CHANGES FROM THE SIXTIES TO THE SEV- 
ENTIES, DEMOLISHES A FEW MYTHS AND DISCUSSES HIS NEW 
ROLE AS A FILM MAKER IN A PLAYBOY INTERVIEW 


“FANS"—JUST AS YOU SUSPECTED, THE OWNERS OF PRO-SPORTS 
FRANCHISES ARE STICKING IT TO YOU. SPECTATORS HAVE RIGHTS, 
TOO—BY RALPH NADER AND PETER GRUENSTEIN 


“SKI JUMPING"—FOR THE SECOND TIME, WE TRY TO KILL ONE 
OF OUR FAVORITE CONTRIBUTORS—CRAIG VETTER 


“TOM SWIFT IS ALIVE AND WELL AND MAKING DILDOS” — 
THE MANUFACTURE OF “MARITAL AIDS" IS MORE THAN A COT- 
TAGE INDUSTRY FROM HONG KONG. MAYBE THESE ARE THE PLAS- 
TICS THE GRADUATE SHOULD'VE GOTTEN INTO—BY D. KEITH 
MANO, PLUS: WHO SAID, "NEVER VOLUNTEER''? THREE COUPLES. 
TRY THOSE GADGETS CUT AND REPORT THEIR RECOMMENDA- 
TIONS IN “THE GREAT PLAYBOY SEX-AIDS ROAD TEST” 


“PRETTY BABY"—SCENES FROM THE CONTROVERSIAL NEW 
FILM BY LOUIS MALLE STARRING SUSAN SARANDON—AND 
12-YEAR-OLD BROOKE SHIELDS AS A CHILD PROSTITUTE 


"NOT FOR SLEEPING ONLY"—HUGH HEFNER ISN'T THE 
ONLY GUY WHO CAN WEAR PAJAMAS OUTSIDE THE BEDROOM. 
WHAT'S NEW IN NIGHT-AND-DAYWEAR—BY DAVID PLATT 


“PROFESSIONAL COURTESY"-SCIFI CAN BE SEXY: THIS 
TIME, A FROG IS BETTER THAN A HANDSOME PRINCE. AN EROTIC 
FANTASY—BY BURY ST. EDMUND 


“SEX IN SMALL CARS"—WE SUPPOSE IT HELPS IF YOU'RE A 
CONTORTIONIST, BUT MAKING IT IN A SUBCOMPACT CAN BE 
FUN. A FREEWHEELING PICTORIAL TURN-ON 


18 mg. “tar”, 1.2 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette, ЕТС Report AUG. 77. 


(©1977 пз REYNOLDS TOBACCO CD. 


While others follow maps, he follows his instincts. 
And he never goes wrong. He smokes for pleasure 
and satisfaction. He gets both from the blend of 
Turkish and Domestic tobaccos in Camel Filters. 

Do you? 


at 


Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined 
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health