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PLAYBOY 


ENTERTAINMENT FOR MEN JANUARY 1980 • $3.00 
UP AGAINST STEVE | * Manri THE N.EL; 


THE 1980s -- | SEXIEST 
ALVIN STEVE MARTI CHEER- 
TOFFLERS e ч — LEADERS! 
NEW ~ PLAYBOY 
FUTURE p iis ; "e SCORES 
SHOCKER 9 = л ЖЗА AGAIN 


FUN AND PLUS: JOHN 
LECARRES 

GAMES AT LATEST SPINE- 
PLAYBOY TINGLER, THE 
NEW, RAZZLE- 

MANSION 1 КЕДЕ 
WEST | "STAR TREK! 
AN ANDREW TOBIAS 

SAN TRO ON KEEPING 
FRANCISCO: u - са MONEY, 
GAY POWER ў аста 


IGNITES A <O REVIEW 

STRAIGHT “ E RŠ мч \ AND MUCH. 

BACKLASH қ Ж : х у MUCH MORE 
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PLAY BILL 


WELCOV ‚ the decade most prophesied 
about in early fantasy and science-fiction literature. We 
asked Alvin Tofer, the author of Future Shock, what so- 
cial changes we can expect im the next ten years and 
he grovided us with a sneak preview of his forthcoming 
book, The Third Wave, to be published by William 


Morrow. In our excerpt (illustrated by Seymour Chwast), 
Tofller explains that there'll be a tremendous clash 
of lifestyles in the years ahead because a new ethic is 
being born while an old one is dying out. We also asked 
an science writer Richard Rhodes to find out wh 
vels of science and technology await us in the im- 
mediate future and he reported back with 80 Ways the 
ighties Will Change Your Life, also illustrated by 
Саам. Are you ready for (at long last) а birth-control 
pill for men? Powdered martinis? We thought you were. 
Rhodes, by the way, will publish a novel, The Last 
Safari, in February. 

With homosexuals incr 
among the swaight major 
continue to be an issue far into the decade. Perhaps the 
ultimate consequences of that move fected in 
The San Francisco Experience, by Nora Gellogher, illus- 
trated by William Rieser. According to the author, even in 
the Golden Gate city, where gays have been accepted for 
years, the straight population is reaching the limits of 
its tole 

Although we're looking into the years immed 
let us not forget the distant furure—the 
he exactL when the Starship 
undertakes five-year exploratory journey through 
space. How do we know this will happe 
lions of fans of the undying television 8 
can't be wrong, And beca 
something obviously 
t motion picture based on the TV series, which 

ıt Pictur i 


ingly asserting themse 


y gay rights will certa 


се. 


аһ 


its 


Because m 
es Star Trek 
they can't be wrong, the 


ight about bringing out a big- 


is finally doing alter several ye 
nior Editor Gretchen McNeese, who got hooked on 
ating the Star Trek phenomenon when she 
dropped in on a fans convention 5, takes us be- 
hind che scenes of what may be the biggest special-eltects 
film fantasy ever in “Star Trek's” Enterprising Return. 
antasy and fiction blend like gin and tonic 
can't think of а better way to start another 
PLAYBoY fiction firsts than with new works from two 
master storytellers, John le Carré and Roald Dahl. Le C: 
entry is our extract [rom his forthcoming novel, Smiley 
People, to be published by Alfred A. Knopf in the Unit- 
ed States and by Hodder and Stoughton in England. If 
you like dever plots, this one’s for you. But if a bit of 
ood dose of wry humor are what you need to 
start off what promises to be a strange and wonderful 
decade, turn to page 132, where Dahl in the person of 
My Uncle Oswald (illustrated by Mel Odom) awaits you 
with a marvelous little pill. We've taken about a filth of 
Dahl's forthcoming zany novel (to be published by 
Knopf), cut and condensed it and given you a satisfying 
sample of something we think you'll want to gorge 
yourself on when it hits the bookstores. If you still 
couple of laughs left in you after meeting Unde 
id, you can join shortshoi iter Robert Coover 
In Bed One Night (photos illustrated by 
Susanne Seed). No, it's not what you think. It's just that on 
the particular night in question, everybody was sacking 


© 1970 JILL KREMENTZ 


LE CARRE 


SILVERSTEIN 


FREYTAG, CASILLI, GRABOWSKI, MARCUS 


out at Coover's. On the other hand, you may not be a 
lover of strange crowds. 

But if you're а lover of strange individuals, you'll 
surely want to read this month's Playboy Interview with 
Steve Martin, who, it turns out, isn't as weird in person as 
you might think. tawrence Grobel, who interviewed Martin 
for PLAYHOY. says Ате e wild and crazy kind 
of guy is actu h dou ncly withdrawn and 
somewhat sedate kind of guy.” This interview is the sixth 
Grobel since 1977 and. following his interview with 
э їп last month's issue, it r сив only the sec- 
ond time a PLAYBOY contributor has done two successive 
Playboy Interviews. Considering that three of Grobel's 
ws have been cov 


inter! stories (the two others w 
with Dolly Parton and Barbr d). he's begin 
to look like the interviewer's interviewer, To let h 


know how much we like his work, we've given him some- 
ng special in Playboy's Annual Awards for his two out- 
Pacino and M 


ding interviews last year w 
Brando. 

lorry Sloman had to be tough to hang out with the New 
Vork Rangers and wy to figure out their coach, the 
imitable Fred Shore, for his Shero's System. Slom: 
is writin 


skater to join their practice g 
has scored three goals. When he's not at the түрен m 
Sloman says, "Fm wor Speak 
of slap shots, Tem Koch takes e "s news 
making personalities ін our ging out 
the old with laughter. That Was the Year Thal Was. 
There's no better way to start a new year than by mak 
plans for your financial success, and we have just the 
article to help you do it: Tucking It Away. by Andrew 
Tobias. Tol the author of the best-selling book The 
Only Investment Guide Youll Ever Need. Vf, while 


you're thinking about money, you happen to get hungry. 
you'll find the makings of a super New Year's bulfer 


unch і 
Greenberg and illustrated by R 


The Party's Not Over, written by Emanuel 
Miles. To get the party olf 
with a bang, set your record player at 78 rpm and put on 
Playboy's Photo Flicks. These mi 
watch as your turntable spins, were designed by 
nd vravnoy'’s Associate Art Di 
Williamson. And since everybody. can't watch the photo 
flicks at the same time, you'll w d th 
month's Contribution from Shel Silverstein. 11's another dev 
cartoon, titled The Deadly Weapon, trom his 
hook Different Dances (published by Harper & Row) 

As the football season approaches a furious. finish. 
жете naturally reminded of our controversial pictorials 
last year on current and former N.F.L. cheerleaders: and 
guess what? We've done it again! Associate Photography 
Editor Jeff Cohen put together Success and the Sis-Boom- 
Bah, and we can't think of a pictorial more likely to 
leave you cheering for more. No pictorial, that is, except 
Island Lady, featuring this month's Playmate. Gig Gengel, 
lovingly photographed by Contributing Photographer 
Ken Marcus. The pictorial fun continues with Playboy's 
Pajama Parties, with special photography by Contribut 
ing Photographer Arny Freytag under the ection of 
Marilyn Grabowski, our West Coast Photography Editor 
Marilyn had a busy month, also overseeing this month's 
Playmate pictorial and Playboy's Playmate Revi 
which was photographed іп part by Mario Casilli 

And to round out the issue, we have quite a few hot 
tips you might want to think about during the next few 
months. "There's а look at the latest in. downhill-skiing 
techniques in Playboy's Informed Sonrce. a peck at the 
newest Alla Romeo in Playboy оп the Seen 14 David 
Platt has a fashion forecast for the coming decade Irom 
five top New York fashion designers in Bath of a No- 
tion. ICs all for you. Happy New Year! 


novies, which you 


ist Jay lynch a 


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n 


<3 „Сап you look this man straight in the eye 
. "and honestly say you deserve Crown Royal? 


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PLAYBOY. 


vol. 27, no. 1—january, 1980 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE 
PLAYBILL 1 
THE WORLD OF PLAYBOY . Пт 
DEAR PLAYBOY ....... vas de 
23 
TRAVEL PTUS 28 
Just how easy is it to replace lost traveler s checks? 
MUSIC sian, ОЙ 
* A séance with Elvis, suggestions for holiday gifting. 
Uncle Oswald : BOOKS; n do on Ты са ыу 49 
Posthumous Dalton Trumbo, ‘books for under the tree 
MOVIES . " о 54 
Plaudits for Nolte in Heart Beat, Reynolds іп 
COMING ATTRACTIONS 58 
New images for Goldie Hawn, Treat Williams. 
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 63 
THE PLAYBOY FORUM . С 67 
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: STEVE MARTIN—cainel conversation 79 


їп a surprisingly serious interview, the original wild and crazy kind of guy 

Pejomo Parties discusses his comic psychology and the comedians he most admires. 

THE SAN FRANCISCO EXPERIENCE—article ...... NORA GALLAGHER 116 
It may be the gayest place in ihe world, but it's making some straights 
downright miserable. 

PLAYBOY'S PAJAMA PARTIES—pictorial essay ...... JIM HARWOOD 120 
They get ready for bed pretty early at Playboy Mansion West, but they don't 
retire until later. Much later. See why. 

MY UNCLE OSWALD—fiction ...................... ROALD DAHL 132 
In а sneak preview of the author's soon-to-be-published novel, the inimitable 
Uncle Oswald discovers a pill that keeps a man up for the night—and parlays 

Smiley's People 2 it into a fortune. 

THE PARTY'S NOT OVER!—food and drink . .. . EMANUEL GREENBERG 134 
After sleeping late on New Year's morning, you—and your friends—can revive 
the revelry of the night before with the right mix of food and drink 

LEROY NEIMAN SKETCHBOOK—pictorial ...................... 137 
Our artist іп residence catches Senator Edward Kennedy іп a rare moment with 
а rare cigar. 

"STAR TREK'S” ENTERPRISING RETURN——article. . GRETCHEN MC NEESE 138 
After 11 years in the phantom zone, Captain Kirk, Mr. Spock and the rest of 

S the crew arrive on the silver screen. A behind-the-scenes look at the making of 

Playmate Review d a movie, including a guide to its very special effects. 

Р TUCKING IT AWAY—article ............... ...-ANDREW TOBIAS 145 
If one of your New Year's resolutions is to get more out of the money you earn 
this year, you'll want to read this. 

THE THIRD WAVE—article ................... - ALVIN TOFFLER 146 
The author of Future Shock looks ahead, ‘and if you thought the Seventies were 
shocking, you'll be electrified by the Eighties. 


80 WAYS THE EIGHTIES 
WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE—article .............. RICHARD RHODES 148 
Are you ready for а 17-digit phone system? Body-building soda pop? Head 
Goy Experience P. 116 transplants? Spanish fly for roaches? Well, are you? 


GENERAL OFFICES: PLAYEOY BUILDING, 91 MICHIGAN AVE., CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 0011, RETURN POSTAGE MUST ACCOMPANY ALL MANUSCRIPTS, DRAWINGS ANO PHOTOGRAPHS Si 
нт PURPOSES эшет TO PLAYBOY'S UNRESTRICTED жнт TO EDIT AND To COMMENT EDITORIALLY. CONTENTS cowRIGM! 6 1979 ву PLAVI 
ERVED. PLAYBOY IND RABBIT MEAD SYMBOL ARE MARKS OF PLAYBOY, REGISTERED U.S. PATENT OFFICE, MARCA REGISTHADA, MARQUE DEPOSEE. NOTHING WAY BE REPRINTED 
Ash PLACES тв PURELY COINCIDENTAL, CREDITS: COVER: MODELS AMY MILLER, STEVE MARTIN. PLAYMATE / MODEL MICHELE DRAKE. DESIGNED зү TOM STAEOLER. PHOTOGRAPHED 
STEUER, OIMER PHOTOGRAPHY DY, ROBERT ALLMAN. P. 1; GREG АРЕНА, P. 12 (41 SOPHIE DAKEN. P. 1: BRENT GEAR, P. 121, HI 124 (2i, UIS, 126, 127 (31, 128 120, 220; WARIO 
сазын, P- 209 (3). 210. 212. 216; DAVID CHAM, P. 184; ALAN CLIFTON, ғ. т; WICHOLAS DE SCIOSE. P. наз. 277, умту ойкоп, ғ. ата; È 1978 SCOTT DOWNIE жест ANGELS. P- 32% 
GRAN Kowanos, P. 122. 124. 123, 129: VERSER ENGELAND. P. 2, 245. RICHARD FESLEY. P. 209 (4), 214, зиз. 218 FIGGE STUDIOS, P. 203; BILL FRANTZ. т. 126) KEN FRANTZ. P. 121. ARMY 
FRUTAS, P. 120, 129, 125, 126.129, ME, 187, 189, 209, 211, 216, MICHAEL GOING. P. ав, 109; DOBSY HOLLAND, ғ. 220; DWIGHT HOOKER, P, 209 (2); MARK HOPKINS, P. 12; RICHARD ITU) 


COVER STORY 

Executive Art Director Tom Stoebler designed ond photogrophed this vision of puerility 
ond pulchritude іс ring in the New Yeor. For on in-depth interview with the hoiry baby in 
4 the middle, see page 79. Hmnn. We wonder who'll chonge his diaper. 


THE ELEVENTH-HOUR SANTA—gifts . .. . ез VOR arg cae eS 
So you've procrostincted obout your holidoy shopping? Look ot it this way: 
All good things come to those who weit. 

ISLAND LADY—playboy's playmate of the month ............ 158 
Come, oll ye who've imagined yourselves shipwrecked on o desert island with 
© beautiful womon. Meet Gig Gangel and be swept away. 

PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES—humor . Р 2:25... 140 Әке Ге 

BIRTH OF A NOTION—attire . , 222... DAVID PLATT 173 
We asked five New York designers to give us on ideo of whot we'll be weoring 
over Ihe next ten yeors and, os you'll see, it's gonno be с spiffy decode. 

SUCCESS AND THE SIS-BOOM-BAH—pictorial .............. 5-2: ISI 
This time lost yeor, N.F.L. cheerleoders were osking themselves, "ls there life 
after football?” They've since found out that olmost everybody wonts o little 


good cheer. 
PLAYBOY'S PHOTO FLICKS—animation ........... "n 193 

Here're Fanny, о Femlin, a flosher and one funny guy—hot home movies you 

put together yourself. Cheerleaders Revisited 
SHERO'S SYSTEM—sports ...................... LARRY SLOMAN 201 


Is the New York Rangers’ coach the zen moster of pro hockey or just the 
quintessential reverse psychologist? One thing's sure; he knows how to win, 
THE DEADLY WEAPON—humor . -SHEL SILVERSTEIN 202 
------- - -JOHN LE CARRE 207 
From the outhor of The Honourable Schoolboy, an ecrly look ot his newest 
novel, in which agent Smiley comes out of retirement to solve the mysterious 
murder of с Russian ogent 
PLAYBOY'S PLAYMATE REVIEW—pictorial ......... . 209 
A fond bockword glonce ot lost yeor's terrific 12. лына ае 
THE EDUCATION OF А GUARDSMAN—ribald classic ........... = 220 
THAT WAS THE YEAR THAT WAS—humor ............. TOM KOCH 226 
A rousing send-off to [ог send-up of, os the cose may Бе) vorious people who, 
for betier or worse, mede heodlines in 1979. 


PLAYBOY FUNNIES—humor . 


PLAYBOY'S PIPELINE ..... 
Mon & work, sci-fi comes to 


BUAYBOY/!POTPOURRD o.c eee eec EEE ШЫ 


Gig Gongel 


PLAYBOY'S INFORMED SOURCE .. 
Hot lips for o winter of great skiing. 


PLAYBOY PUZZLE ... а RETE SIS. EDITH RUDY 314 
LITTLE ANNIE FANNY—satire. . . HARVEY KURTZMAN and WILL ELDER 319 
PLAYBOY ON THE SCENE ... Оа 323 
Flashlights, four ways to use © sports соо! ond с look ot the new АНо Romeo. Fashion Notions 


JOANNE DALEY, ғ. зев. тем EVANS, P 309: нов coLDSTROM DUANE отырман. ғ. дат; PAUL YACCARELLO, ғ. 311 (2). PHOTO ILLUSTRATION, v. 304, MAIME 


oA CAML т BOR, “INE DEADLY WEAPON." AY SHEL SILVERSTEIN: COFYIVGHT © 1979 By SHEL SILYERSTEN INSERTS ENCYCLOPAEDIA BRITANNICA CARD BETWEEN Р з 
cm 5 


LASS POSTAGE PAID AT CHCO., ILL, в AT ADDL. MAILING OFFICES. SUBS,» IN INE U.S., $16 FOR 12 ISSUES. POSTMASTER! SUND FORM 3475 TO FLATHOY, Р о. BOK 2420) BEUDE, COLO. 0007 


= Ж 


PLAYBOY 


tit yet the wildmustapin in the end: 


ЕТ. 


- *Robert Ser 


Soft-spoken and smooth, 
simmers just below the surface St 
= mixed ҮОКОМЈАСК isa breed apart: unlike any 
Canadian liquor you've ever tasted. 


roof Imported Liqueur made with Blended Canadian Whisky. 


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“Ihave elinehed and closed with the nakect 
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ап liquors. 


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ght. on the rocks, or 


Yukon Jack & and I0CPrcol. Imported anc Borledby Немет lnc. Hartford. Conn Sele Agents US А "©1907 Dodd, Henc & Co. Inc. 


PLAYBOY 


HUGH M. HEFNER 
editor and publisher 


NAT LEHRMAN associate publisher 


ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director 
ARTHUR PAUL art director 
GARY COLE photography director 
С. BARRY GOLSON executive editor 


TOM STAEBLER executive art director 


EDITORIAL 
ARTICLES; JAMES MORGAN editor; STAF 
WILIAM у. HELMER, GRETCHEN MC NEFSE, DAV 
STEVENS senior edilors; JAMES R PETERSEN 
senior staff writer; ROBERT F. CARR, WALTER L 
LOWE, BARBARA NELLIS, JOIN REZEK associate 
editors; SUSAN MARGOLIS WINTER assistant new 
york editor; TERESA GROSCH, KATE NOLAN, J. ғ. 
D'CONNOR, TOM PASSAVANT, ALEXA МЕНИ (Fo- 
rum), ED WALKER assistant editors; SERVICE 
FEATURES: TOM OWEN modern living editor 
parm PLATT fashion directo; CARTOONS: 
MICHELLE URRY editor; COPY: ARLENE BOURAS 
editor: SAN AMBER assistant editor: JACKIE 
JOHNSON FORMELLER, MARCY MARCHI, BARI 
LYNN NASH, DAVID TARDY, MARY ZION research- 
біз: CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: STEPHEN 
ыкхьлом (Havel), MURRAY FISHER, NAT 
HENTOFF, ANSON MOUNT, PETER ROSS RANGE, 
RICHARD RHODES, JONN SACK, ROBERT SHERRILL, 
DAVID STANDISH, BRUCE WILLIAMSON (movies); 
CONSULTING EDITOR: LAURENCE GONZALES 


WEST COAST: LAWRENCE 5. DIETZ edito: 
BLUMENTHAL slaff writer 


тоны 


АҚТ 
кеше rore managing director; LEN милл, 
WILLIAMSON associate directors; BRUCE HANSEN, 
THEO KOUVATSOS, JOSEPH PACZER assistant 
directors; зати KASK senior art assistant; 
тил. MIURA, JOYCE PERALA art assistants; 
SUSAN HOLMSTROM traffic coordinator; Ban- 
BARA HOFFMAN administrative assistant 
PHOTOGRAPHY 

MANILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor; JEFF 
COHEN, JANICE MOSES associate editors; kcn- 
ARD FEGLEY, POMPEO POSAR staff phologra- 
phers; JAMES LARSON photo manager; вид. 
ARSENAULT, DON AZUMA, DAVID CHAN, NICHOLAS 
PE SCIOSE, PHILLIP DIXON, AKNY FREYTAG, 
DWIGHT HOOKER, R SCOTT HOOPER, RICHARD 
VUL, STAN MALINOWSKI, KEN MARCUS contrib 
uting photographers: PATTY BEAUDET ussistant 
«апоу: ALLEN BURRY (London), JEAN PERRE 
norwy (Paris), LISA stewart (Rome) cor 
respondents: JAMES ward color lab supervi- 
хог; ROBERT CHELIUS adininistralive editor 


susiy senior directors; BOB ros 


PRODUCTION 
Jon mastro director; ALLEN VARGO man- 
ager; FAKNNORE WAGNER, MARIA MANDIS, 
JODY JURGETO, RICHARD QUARIAROLI assistants 


READER SERVICE 
CYNTHIA LACEY manager 


CIRCULATION 
RICHARD SMITH director; ALVIN WIEMOLD sub- 
scription manager 


ADVERT 
HENRY W. MARKS director 


ADMINISTRATIVE 
MICHAEL LAURENCE business manager; PATRICIA 
PAPAXNGELIS administrative editor; PAULETIY 
омлет. rights & permissions manager; ми 
DRED ZIMMERMAN administrative assistant 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC. 
DERICK J. DANIELS president 


the man who wears DENIM? Because 
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SGAM DISTILLERS COMPANY, ILC. 80 PROOF. DISTILLED DRY GIN. DISTILLED FROM GRAIN, 


THE WORLD ОҒ PLAYBOY 


in which we offer an insider’s look at what's doing and who's doing it 


BREAKING AWAY ALL OVER 


Robyn Douglass broke more than just one young man's heart in Breaking 

Away, last summer's smash movie (below). She did the same thing years ago, 

when she was more or less a fixture in our Chicago offices—such a well- 

wrought fixture that we sent her on a series of modeling assignments for us. 

At left is a shot taken for our A Long Look 4 at Legs (July 1975). 
уе , 


GETTIN’ ІМ THE SWING 


Upcoming Playmate Henriette Allais caused some commotion while 
shooting her pictorial in Memphis. Н seems that a bunch of joggers, 
bicyclists and passers-by fell the same way about Henriette that we do. 


Ro * 


THE EVER-FASHIONABLE LE ROY NEIMAN 


LeRoy Neiman puts pen to paper and immortalizes Lake Geneva Bunny Christi 
Jost as she breaks ground for the Sports Complex at the Playboy Resort. 
Below right, the brochure for Playboy's Ап of Fashion Exhibition, featuring 
many of Neiman's illustrations, which he opened at Gimbels in Milwaukee. 


THE WORLD ОҒ PLAYBOY 


HEF’S: A GREAT PLACE 
TO DROP INTO 


No, life а! Playboy Mansion West is not all glitzy 
parties, fund raisers and benefits. There are also 
times when Hef's friends and associates сап drop 
by and hang out in a casual atmosphere. Because 
of the many formal activities at the Mansion, we 
are seldom able to give you a glimpse of what goes 
on there as a matter of course. Not so this month. 
For example, at left, upcoming Playmate Victoria 
Cooke does some free-wheeling in the reception 
area, At right, Robin Williams na-nos singer Juliette 
Bora and, below right, Playmate Sondra Theodore 
bear-hugs the Velvet Fog himself, Mel Tormé. 


Above, social philosopher Max Lerner, Governor Jerry Brown and Hef 
take a hike. Below, Heather Waite tries to get something off her chest, 
le, below right, Playmates Gig Gangel and Michele Drake congregate. 


At right, decathloner Bruce Jenner seems 
to be caught in some inner struggle, wi 
below, George Peppard holds his own dur- 


ing a conversation. Below left, Hef takes 
on Lance Rentzel in a game of Foosball. 


А Imported by Browno Vintners Co. Now York © 1979 


Мил» the word. 


For 150 years, people who know how to live have been celebrating life 
with Mumm premium French Champagne. 


PLAYBOY 


You cam tell a lot about a watch by the people who wear it. 


The Ornega. A quartz chronometer in 14K gold and stainless steel 
Made for people who want а watch that's certified incredibly accurate. 
Like Astronaut Scott Carpenter. Owner of serial number 40 756 882 
Price: 52,200" Also available in 18K gold for $5,000* Both of these fine, 
water-resistant timepieces come in a personally engraved mahogany 
presentation case. For a catalog of Omega watches for men and women, 
write Omega, 301 East 57th St., New York, NY 10022 


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DEAR PLAYBOY 


ADDRESS DEAR PLAYBOY 
PLAYBDY BUILDING 
916 N. MICHIGAN AVE, 
CHICAGD, ILLINDIS 60611 


INTERIM REPORT 
Upon getting а subscription on my 


rLAYBOY. Well, Fm finally 21, and not 
the demented rapist my mother's friends 
thought рілувоу would make me, but 
the nice young man who knows what 
ways to best serve wine or what some- 
body said im an interview. (As well as 
the calorie count of sperm and various 
erotic uses of ice.) It is just sad that not 
all parents let their sons enjoy such 
beauty and knowledge every month, es- 
pecially when someone is зо impression- 
able. | can't see a better guide to taste, 
aire and living than rrAvrov. Having 
applied tor a liletime subscription, 1 
especially with 
than the last. 
‚аз ГИ write 


h issue being bette 
Keep up the great wor 
to you when I'm 40. 
David Olson 
Longview, Washington 


MAILER'S SONG 

Incredible, The story, the author, the 
magic. | am referring. of course, to Oc 
tober's The Executiones's Song, by Nor- 
man Mailer. 1 сап barely wait till next 
month's installment. 


Who gives a shit about Gary Gilmore? 
His Manson-type chivaaer put him 


where he deserved to be put—six leet 
under. So be it! 


Frederick Charles 
Kansas City. Missouri 


ay have been Gary Gil- 
words, but until now, 
s mind and charac- 
ned to be told. No one 
sought the conclusion to the Gary 
€ than Gilme 
ining was death. 
He proved that by so freely accepting 


more могу himself. 


For him, lile’s only m 


his own. Norman Mailer’s superb writ- 
ing has touched the heart of the man 
and given us insights into how he 
thought and what drove him to his seem- 
ingly inescapable destin doing that, 
perhaps Mailers accounting is а more 
hitting conclusion than the one supplied 
by the Utah firing squad. 

Nick Pukalo 

Seattle, Washington 


1 don't have the space to stockpile 
back issues. but once in а while ГИ tear 
out an article 1 can't resist, such as the 
Jimmy interview. Well, I saved 
. It is one of your best. 
alter The Executioncr's 
ascinating. And I agree: 


too mà 
to be accepted by u 
have given up s 
Achilles. he After reading October's 
Playboy Interview, there is no escaping 
the fact that I like, admire and envy the 
guy. What has clearly made him the hot- 
test movic-television atuaction around is 
ied іп that interview—his under- 
l have no doubt that 
very same quality will help him achieve 
his next major goal, an Academy Award. 
Craig Silverman 
Denver, Colorado 


But I. for one, 
rching lor Burt's 


Thank you so much for the truly can- 
did interview with Burt Reynolds. He 
presents himself as a very down-to- 
semitive individual. I don't appr 
the "Garboesque? actors ol today, mean- 


ing the ones who want to be lelt alone 
m their own little worlds. No rapport 
with their fans, just the y at the 


PLAYBOY, (ISSN 002.1470]. JANUARY, 1510, VOLUME 27. NUMBER 1. PUBLISHED MONTHLY EY PLATEOY. PLAYEOY BLOS., 319 
MN, MICHIGAN AVE.. CHICAGO, ILL. вовтз, GUBSCRIPTIONS: IN THE UNITED STATES AND 175 POSSESSIONS. 339 TOR 36 ISSUES. 428 


MURPHY. CIRCULATION PROMOTION DIRECTOR, ADVERTISING, HENRY W HARKS. ADVERT 


ASSOCIATE ADVERTISING MANAGER. 247 THIRD AVE 


ELSEWHERE. 575 TOR 12 ISSUES. ALLOW 15 DAYS ғов NEW SUR 


MEM YORK, нү 10017; CHICAGO, RUSS 


COFFEE, 
COLA 


OR 
VIVARIN? 


There are times when 
nothing beats a cup of 
good, hot coffee or an 
ice cold cola. They taste 
good, and give you the lift 
you want. 

But if, as the day 
wears on, you sometimes 
find yourself having coffee 
or cola just for the lift, 
you really should know 
about Vivarin. 

Vivarin is the gentle 
pick-me-up. The active 
ingredient that makes 
Vivarin so effective is the 
caffeine of two cups of 
coffee (ог about six glasses 
of cola) squeezed into one 
easy to take tablet. 

Next time you want 
a lift, pick Vivarin. 

It's convenient,inexpensive 
and it really works. 


Tead label for directions, 


15 


PLAYBOY 


6 


box office. Burt has just about become 
а close friend to us by way of his appcar- 
ances. He holds nothing back. He is 
open, honest and a fine artist. He has 
become a true crafisman at what he does. 
Phil Howlett 
Pembroke, Massachusetts 


sad that a man of his caliber, 
who injects so much gusto into the pa- 
perthin roles given to him, be pigeon- 
holed as a locker-room-mentalitied "good 
ol’ boy" by an effete group of vicious, 
hidebound New York film critics who 
have never done anything to show that 
they have much talent or moxie in 
their entire beings as he has in just a 
clenched fist. 


(Name and address 
withheld by requ 


st) 


I don't remember enjoying any of 
your interviews as much as I enjoyed the 
one with Burt Reynolds. 1 had always 
figured he would be an egotistical. pomp- 
ous jerk. 1 am happy to say that I was 
wrong. Burt forgive 
Contrary to my former be- 

"deed, а beautiful person, 
both physically and intellectually. 

Laura Gladwell 
Salem, West Virginia 


ооо 
me. pl 
liels, he is, 


Reynolds 


UNBELIEVABLE URSULA 

Tm in love! October Playmate Ursula 
Buchfellner із the fantastic girl 
Please accept my entry 
for this month's “meet the Playmate con- 
test.” Thank you, PLA 
Now, as for hers, 

Jamie Towne 

rmington Hills, Michigan 


most 


I have ever seen 


пот, for your end. 


Tt appears in Ursula's Playmate Dat 
Sheet that she was born on June 8. 1967. 
Calculating that date, Ursula is approxi- 
mately 12 years old. I have subscribed 
to PLAYBOY for seven years and have 
never noticed such an obvious printed 
error or, on the other hand, such a young 
pinup. Either way, it seems to me a first 
William M. del Campo 
Los Angeles, California 
She's noi as young as you think, Bill. 
On the same page, she is shown ta 
Communion at 70 and as a bake 
prentice at 75. 


Ursi 
exploited. Rather, her 
caresses the pages. thanks to Weissbrich’ 
aware and sensitive camera, Tl 
PLAYBOY, lor selecting yet another artist 
ol perceivable talent! 

Karen L. French 

Kailua, Kona, Hawaii 


Congratulations пог only to Ursula, 
for being so beautiful, but to PLAYBOY 
for finding her. Peter Weissbrich did an 
absolutely magnificent job of capturing 
the many moods and textures European 


women are capable of. Obviously, Euro- 
pean cars are not the only thing Ameri- 
сап men would like to be seen driving 
around with. 


atrick Miller 
Hollywood, California 


You've done it again, but this time 
better than ever. That blonde bombshell 
Ursula Buchfellner is а foxy female with 
a fantastic figure. Let's see more of her! 

Peter Brown 
Hamburg, New York 

Thought you'd never ask, Peler. We 

had one shot of Ursula preparing jor 


her New Year's Eve party that we didn't 
know what to do with. Hope you like it. 


ANYBODY NOTICE BURT? 

Gig Gange, who posed with Burt 
Reynolds on your October 
definitely a ten. 


cover, i 


Larry С. Layton 
Wichita, Kansas 


T would like to commend you on your 
October 1979 cover. Gig Gangel’s beauty 
is lawless, which is more than 1 can say 
for her costume. Take it from a veteran 
Bunny, her сий are on backward. 

Bunny Ki 

Phoenix, Arizon 


Gig Gangel. wow! For a photo ses. 
sion with her, I'll do an interview, too! 
Robert Altman 
Caledonia, Minnesota. 
If you liked our October cover, you'll 
love this month's centerfold. 


DEJA VU 

Shit, man! I started with narrow la 
pels, smaller collars and skinny ties! 1 
can see mo logical reason for you to 
perpetrate that crap back upon another 
unsuspecting generation . . . especially in 


the unkempt and disheveled manna 
in which you do it (Playboy's Fall and 
Winter Fashion Forecast, October). The 
“casual formality that's subtly British yet 
international in scope” is pretty close to 
the mark, inasmuch as your models all 
look like they just checked into Ellis 
Island. In my opinion (and that, to me, 
is the only one that counts), the only 
taste your fashion editors have is in their 
mouths—along with halitosis. 
Patrick A. Detches 
Huntington Beach, California 
The fact that styles change doesn't 
mean that you have to change with them, 
Patrick. Just clean your spats and wear 
them another season. 


HUTCH HIGHLIGHTS 

I have been a subscriber to PLAYBOY 
for more than 15 years, In recent years, I 
have enjoyed your annual pictorial re- 
iew of the Bunnies. Your October pic- 
on the Bunnies of 779 is the best 
Every one of the Bunnies is sensa- 
tional. The handsdown winner of the 
pictorial, however, is Kym Donaldson of 
the Cincinnati Chib. Your caption “А 
very long w: my 
opinion, be better phrased as “Big things 
come in little packages.” Kym has the 
most haunting eyes I have ever seen and 
her figure is beautiful. 


ever 


little can go can, 


David W. Fr 
Dun 


me 
nville, Texas 


Your photo of Cincinnati Bunny Bon 
nic Hoobler (page 162, October) is one 
of the very few pictures I've seen that 
have given me an instant cr. 

Nelson Carter 
california 


Your October issue marks the second 
appearance of Osaka's Miyuki Kishumac 
Keep it up! Oriental girls like Miyuki 
е just my cup of tea. 

J. Larson 
Prospect Park, Pennsyly 


New York Bunny Кейу Rehn is defi- 
nitely Playmate material. Believe it or 
not, it was her beautiful expression that 
first drew my attention, I'm hoping you 
agree with me and that ГЇЇ be seeing a 
lot more of her in a future issue of 
PLAYBOY. 


(Name withheld by request) 
Jackson, Michigan 


THE BEAR ҒАСТ5 

I would like to compliment Richard 
Price on his great October article on 
Paul "Bear" Bryant. I'm a native New 
Yorker who moved to Alabama 15 years 
ago—and didn't give а damn about col- 
lege football, much less about Alabama 
Over the years, | have become an insane 
Alabama fan who really believes that 
the Bear can walk on water. When 1 met 
him, 1 became completely tongue-tied 
and just stammered like an idiot, so I 


The twelve months 
of Christmas. 


BEEFEATER GIN. The Crown Jewel of England. жо ae E- 


PLAYBOY 


18 


“The XG-1 gives you Minolta's 
Continuous Automatic 
Exposure System? 


The Minolta XG- 1 is Bruce Jenner's 
camera. Because it's compact, lightweight, 
and measures light in a way that makes 
action photography just about foolproof. 

Because even if your subject is moving 
from sunlight to shadow, Minolta's Contin- 
uous Automatic Exposure System changes 
the exposure for you. Automatically. 

That means you can concentrate on the 
action. The XG-1 does just about every- 
thing else. 

You can add to your range of creative 
ideas by adding a Minolta Auto Winder or 
Auto Electroflash. Or any of the more than 
40 computer designed Minolta lenses. 

As for value, the XG-1 is the least expen- 

sive automatic 35mm SLR Minolta has ever made. 

All this means, with the XG-1 you can take the pictures you never 
thought you could take. At a price you never thought you could afford. 
m For information about Ше ө 

inolta XG-1, write Minolta Cor- 
poration, 101 Williams Drive, minolla 


Ramsey, N.J. 07446. In Canada: 


Minolta. Ontario, LAW 1A4. 
Ог see your photo dealer, He'll 
tell you why Minolta is the 


automatic choice in automatic The automatic choice 
cameras. for value. 


know how Price felt. By the way, T think. 
that Kinuko Y. Crafts illustration is 
sensational. 
Jerry Hallerman 
Birmingham, Alab; 


After reading Richard Price's Bear 
Bryant's Miracles, one would think Bea 
should be nominated for sainthood. 
There is no doubt that his record of 284 
wins is impressive, but is the emphasis 
he puts on winning football games what 
college is all about? 


Bill Rupp 
York, Pennsylvania 


had 
ad 


I've got a confession to make. I'v 
a subscription since 1971 and I just r 
my second article in PLAYmoY (the first 
was part of an English assignment). Bear 
Bryant’s Miracles is fantastic reading. 1 
don't know what The Wanderers is 
about, but if Price wrote it, l'm gonna 
get it and read it. 
J- McGeary Perkins, Jr. 
Port Allen, Louisiana 


I think Price sums up the feeling at 
Alabama really well when he says he'd 
do just about anything to receive recog- 
nition from the Bear. "That's the way it 
is. The whole state breathes of love, 
loyalty and admiration for the man. 
There will never be another Bear. 

Kathy Anderson 
Weatherford, Oklahoma 


PRIME-TIME CRIME 

When 1 read Gary сер The Man 
Who Destroyed Television (PLAYBOY, 
October). 1 thought someone was finally 
going to lift up the skirt and reveal the 
truth to all! He comes close . . . oh. so 
close that it gave me goose pimples! At 
last, I thought. here was real fact com 
ing out. But the skirt was lifted and all 


we saw from then on were the quixotic 
tilting ас the old windmills of the Niel- 
sen ratings service, the networks’ greed 
andl copycat producers 
Howard М. Keefe 
Marina Del Rey, С 


ornia 


"Thank you so very much for your in 
teresting and extremely informative ex- 
posé on the primetime-television wars 
and who's really responsible for much of 
the crap that passes for class on the tube. 
As a television fan from the age of nine, 
1 find the attitudes of the Freddie Silver- 


mans ol three networks insulting and 
patronizing. If these are the "public air- 
waves,” then it's a joke that is as un 


funny as what these morons push as 
entertainment! 
Cheryl Smith 
Danielson, Connecticut 


гу Deeb's comments about Nielsen's 
putting its audimeters into homes with 
a high percentage of TV viewing are 


simply not truc. I have been a Nielsen 

“family” (though I live alone) for over 

a ycar, despite my declaration that 1 

rarely watch television. At no time has 

Nielsen made any attempt or suggestion 
that my contract should be terminated. 
(Name and address 

withheld by request) 


After reading The Man Who De 
stroyed Television, 1 thought I'd share 
my alternative to the Nielsen ratings 
Six weeks after the premiere of the new 
TV season, FV Guide could print a 
schedule of prime-time programs with a 
box next to each show. A truer repre- 
sentation of TV viewers could then be 
calibrated. Another poll at midseason 
would then determine whether or not 
to keep a specific program. This system 
is not infallible. Specialinterest groups 
could go out and buy quantities 
of the magazine in order to further their 
own aims. But I believe this percentage 
would be insignificant when compared 
with the whole: and it would definitely 
be an improvement over Nielsen's se- 
lecti 


Dennis Lanning 
South Bend, Indiana 


Come on! You blame Freddie Silver- 
for everything except the Vietnam 
and inflation. Silverman didn't 
create our situation: we created his. Tele- 
vision is nothing more than am adver. 
tising medium and was never supposed 
to be a creative or educitional one. 
Hence, audiences ouglit never to expect 
much in the way ol originality, АП 
that Silverman is guilty of is becoming 
a success in his industry by watching 
the numbers carefully and then [eed 
ing them with what they are hungry for. 

Gary M. Luciano 

North Easton, Massachusetts 


m 


DON'T FAIL ME NOW 

Not а single bare foot among you 
bevy of beautiful girls in the October 
issue. But boots, shoes and galoshes ga- 
lore. Do you think that's nice? Why are 
the girls, who show everything else 
Шшал to show their feet? Or are the 
photographers allergic to the naked foot? 
Or are the editors? Surely, not all of 
your readers relish the covering of an 
otherwise pretty foot. Certainly, many 
of them must appreciate the eroticism of 
the foot and the symmetrical contours of 
the nude body tapering down to the lac- 
quered nails of the toes. . . . Inasmuch as 
the pretty hand might be an object of 
beauty. so the welllormed foot, and 
certainly eroti 


Abdul Haddad 

Miami, Florida 

Sorry about that, Abdul. We're just 
a hunch of crazy body fetishists around 


here. 
Ba 


"The Minolta XD-5 gives you 


that and a lot more? 


Bruce Jenner- 
Olympic Decathlon Winner. 


For the simplicity of continuous auto- 
matic exposure, plus almost unlimited 
versatility theres the incredible Minolta 
XD-5 35mm SLR camera. 

Why incredible? 

Because the XD-5 is easy to use, yet 
offers you so many different ways to get 
great pictures. 

if you want to set the lens opening, the 
XD-5 will automatically set the correct 
shutter speed. If you want to set the shutter 
speed, the XD-5 will automatically set 
the correct lens opening. 

If you want total creative control, you can 
setboth lens opening and shutter speed. 

And whats even more incredible, the XD-5 is the world's least 
expense [риш ES е 

‘or more information about 

the Minolta XD-5, write Minolta minolla 
Corporation, 101 Williams Drive, 
Ramsey, N.J. 07446. In Canada: 
Minolta, Ontario, LAW 1A4. Or = 
see your photo dealer. He'll tell x А 
you why Minolta is the automatic The automatic choice 
choice in automatic cameras. for versatility. 


©1979 American Honda Motor Co., Inc. 


The new1980 Honda Civic. We did it all over again. 


The Honda Civic. It is the car that has in seven short years brought 

Honda to the forefront as a designer and builder of fine automobiles. 

More important, it is the car whose engineering achievements helped make 

it the darling of a new generation of energy conscious Americans. 

But, although the Civic has been an extraordinary success, history cannot 
stand still. Technology cannot wait while we rest on our laurels. 


So, from the wheels up, the 1980 Honda Civic has been completely 

restyled. If you passed the old Civic by because of its size, 

the new Civic has over thirteen percent more 
interior space, adding legroom and shoulder 
room. It has twenty percent more window 
area for better visibility. It has improved 
suspension and a longer wheelbase for a smooth- 

er ride. All this without adding so much as 

aninch to the overall length of the car. Remarkable! 


Since we know a good thing when we 
build it, the 1980 Honda Civic has oe 


i 36 EPA EST. MPG, 49 HWY. 
the same simple layout that made брт 
our first Civic so widely admir- COMPARISON. YOUR MILE- 
a AGE MAY DIFFER DE- 


ed— and copied. You'll still find Peon on weater, 
SPEED, AND TRIP LEI 
such features as front-wheel pibe 


drive, transverse-mounted en- Жкн, 


e > ini с. arj ARE LOWER FOR CALIE AND 
gine, rack and pinion steering, ME OF нш 
and (on all hatchbacks) 


four-wheel independent strut suspension. 
With pride we introduce the 1980 Honda Civic. 


Simplicity marches on. 
EXEDESEDES 


We make it simple. 


| Its better to.give than receive. 
With certain possible exceptions. 


~ 


PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 


ou Said a Mouthful Department, 

Cleveland Gold Coast Division: In an 
article on gay life in Cleveland Maga- 
Lakewood city councilman Harry 
Brockman is quoted as pooh-poohing the 
notion that Cleveland's Gold Coast area 
gay ghet- 
whole 


zine 


where he lives, is becoming а 

1 think t 

thing has been blown out of proportion.” 
. 

Out with the old: The Shawano, Wis- 
consin, Shopper ran a classified ad that 
read Due to my husband's death, Pm 
selling his organ. Nice, Will sacrifice.” 

. 

The Marquette, Michig: 

Journal, in а list ol 


10.” Said Brockman: 


Mining 


upcoming social 
cvents, noted thar the "Evangelical Cov- 
enant Church in Carlshend will feature 
a talk and a slide Holy 
A potluck family night will 


show on the 
Land 
start at six P.M.” 


SORE LOSERS 


“sino security was once the province 
of paleolithic specimens named Bruno or 
Turk who qualified with conspicuously 
hands of blackjack and neck sizes 
My equivalent to their LQs. Now- 
adays casinos are owned by publicly 
yambling has become 


held corporations, 


as wholesome as pocket billiards and the 
battling bouncers have lost out to a new 
ıd of beck 

"I take olfense 


my people g 


br 


when somebody calls 


ards,” says Gordon Jenkins, 
director of security at the newly opened 
Del Webb's Sahara Reno Hotel /Ca 


ly image of a guard is of a big bruiser 


or an elderly gentleman rattling door 


knobs. My men and women are ‘security 


officers’ and the only big things we look 
grity 
Besides casing the action and 


for in the 


a are personality and int 


not siz 
serving as unofficial Ombudspersons be 
tween hotel and guest, 
officer on duty must be a certified с 
gency medical technician, which is an 


tleast one баһаға 


er 


excellent idea, considering some of the 
peculiar afflictions Jenkins has diagnosed 
among visitors to his wild and crazy Big 
gest Little City. Among them 
Slot-machine elbow—a soreness not 
unlike tennis elbow strikes after 
torrid handholding sessions with опе 
armed bandits 
Bingo bladder (or keno kidney)—a 
form of hypnosis that causes victims 10 
neglect potty calls and was most out- 
ragcously manifested by ly who, all 
the better to stay where the keno action 
was, went to the nearby security office 
and relieved herself in an ashtray. 
Time-warp syndrome—a loss of time 
sense thar can cause victims to remain at 
the tables long enough to miss their 
planes home, Christmas and much of the 
Eigh 
Casino catatonia—total paralysis cx- 
hibited by players who refuse to cvacuate 


that 


casinos during fires and spend lengthy 
power outages in front of gravid slot 
machines. In one unforgettable instance. 
after a blackjack dealer was suddenly 
shot dead by her jealous husband, play- 
ers remained transfixed throughout the 
police investigation and ultimately in- 
sisted that the house finish the hand she 
had been dealing. 

Poker paranoia—a tendency by vic- 
tims of cyclical cold. streaks viciously— 
and often with violent consequences— 
to accuse innocent onlookers of having 
jinxed them 

Reno syndrome— 
free drinks, frenzied n 


combination of 
nutrition, 5000- 
ction aug- 
ingestion of rich 
foods, which causes afflictces to go down, 
at the tables, like flies. 

These diseases are real (more or les), 
but Jenkins believes that i 
what re; 


foot altitude and coo much 
mented by the hasty 


you eat some 


larly, remember to sleep, take 
your medication, if necessary, and, most 
important 


"dow't gamble more than you 


can afford to lose, 


your body to th 


you сап immunize 


se cam 


1 scourges and 


prepare your spirit for Nevada nirvana 


You've come 


long way, bébé: In a 
mmick to 


promo ttract more 
fans, the International Volleyball Asso 
ciation’s Tucson Sky staged an Hegal 


Alien night. No border patrolmen were 
visible among the 3180 spectators. 


THE BEST OF BAD TASTE 
We are proud to announce the win- 
neis of this year's John Waters Trophy— 


petrified poodle poop encased іп gold 


lamé—for Conspicuous Contributions to 
the Annals of Bad Tast 

+ The Banco Real of São Paulo, Brazil, 
for runni Hider during 
the telecast of Holocaust to emphasize 
the v g need for life insurance. 

= Imperial Wizard Bill Wilkinson's 
Klan Katalog, which ollers Blood. Drop 


ш ads featurir 


23 


PLAYBOY 


24 


Symbol string ties, Klan Guard Chemical 
Spray, RACIAL PURITY'S AMERICA'S SECURITY 
posters 

ливу BREED bumper stickers. 

+ The packagers of the "live" record- 
ing of the Jim Jones Farewell Concert 

+ Jacksonville, Florida, police who 
funded а Supercops softball tournament 
by selling John Spenkclink Memorial 
1 ролу, 133 то co T-shirts. 

+ The Westchester County, New York, 
environmental consulant who an- 
nounced that the cheapest way to dispose 
of local garbage was to cube it and ship 
it to Haiti, whose washy oficia 
llegedly expressed an 
action.” 

* Texas Jaycees, who elected as oh 


ind THE MORE WE FEED, THE MORE 


a man in prison for decapitating а wom- 
an with a scalpel. 

n ad for United Press International 
the Pacific Southwest. Airlines 
at San Diego with headline 
proudly 
HAPPEN: 

* Billy Martin, for explaining that he 
asked the umpire to examine White Sox 
pitcher Richard Wortham's glove because 
“he was putting a booger on the ball 
and had our guys throwing up at the 
plate. І complained because we've got 
to keep this game cles 

* University of Colorado students, for 
participating in the annual Alferd Packer 
Day Rib Eating Contest, which honors 
the last man in the United States to be 
convicted of cannibalism. 

* Delaware State Senator W. Lee Lit 
teton, who offered to bury a [ew dozen 
defunct Jonestowniaus in his yard the 
better to see their bodies rise on Judg 
ment D: 
urkish prison chief Musta 
who copped the credit for Billy H: 
Midnight Express by announcing, 
prisons did a good job rehabilitating 
him. He was a drug smuggler, and now 
he is a nice middle-class boy who has 
written а book.” 

+ The Johannesburg, South Africa 
ployment-ollice supervisor who expla 
why his stall whipped black female ap- 
plicants with a rubber hose: only do 
it to keep them 
* The U. S. Secret Service, whi 
iccused of using Indonesi 
taste President Carter's food for poison, 
defdy refuted the charges by pointing 
out that only Filipinos, not "Indonesian 
manservar are employed by the 
White House kitchen s 

. 

The Burlington, North Carolina, Daily 
Times-News has good news for the ladies. 
ng to the title of a recent article, 
[ARE] EATING MORE BEAVER. 

. 
How're you gonna keep them back on 
ir backs, after they've seen Paree? 
‘This headline just in from The Spokes- 
man-Review ol Spokane, Washington: 


CHECKING ІМ 


s 


We asked sporis reporter Samantha 
Slevenson to do a lille: man-to-man 
with Ihe Dallas Cowboys flamboyant 
linebacker Thomas “Hollywood” Henderson. 
PLAYBOY: Who is "Hollywood" Hender- 
son? 

HENDERSON: He's a business associate of 
Thomas Henderson's. Thomas Hender- 
son is the PR manage nd Hollywood is 
the performer. It’s а schiz act. I'm the 
best. 

PLAYBOY: 


Did you пате yourself for 
D 
HENDERSON: I always wanted to be 
movies. When I was younger, I didn't 
k I was so good-looking. But as I 
grew older, 1 began getting masculine 
looking, vou know. I lived in Hollywood 
for a while and hung out with people 
whose names I will not mention. I came 
back to Dallas and some cats started siy- 
ing, “Hey, Hollywood!” Now Hollywood 
makes more than Thomas Henderson. 
riaynoy: The Dallas Cowboys are 
known for their polished PR depart- 
ment, but it scems to us that the con- 
servative Cowboy organization, so tied to 
its computerized version of a football 
player, would rcally rather shut you up. 
Do you agree? 
HENDERSON: Oh, yeah. T dh 
couple of times. I'm tying to 
motivate the game. ] mean, that's good 
Гог football. Who invented pro football? 
That guy from Chicago [George Halas]. 
He'd be proud of me the way 1 promote 
football. 
PLAYBOY: 
football? 
HENDERSON: I'm just а bad ass out there. 
Everyone should take off the helmets, 
even though they keep people from 
breaking their necks and heads. I think. 
you shouldn't hit with the h 
the shoulders. I hit with my 
PLAYBOY: Is it every man for H 
the field? 


it's been 


discussed 


Do you enjoy the violence in 


пғхәвнзоз: That's the bottom line. We 
talk before а game to get up. We're all 
frightened, really, but you have to keep 
the с Ш you ever 
i and ther 
opens to you, it's really a crush 
we talk about—and don't tell 
adry—how we can make our 
t us better to be more com- 
fortable in. So we change responsibilit 
every now and then. Landry doesn't 
know about it. If he did, he would just 
Ше. One time, Charlie [Waters]. зау», 
“PI take it" I say, "No, PH take it this 
time" We change up things, play situ 
ations, we have different keys. Too Tall 
[Jones] and I used to do the same thin 
He would po in like a wild man to get 
everyone's attention, and then I'd go in 
10 make the play 
PLAYBOY: It sounds like you might be a 
tiny bit afraid of Landry. Tell us what 
he is really like behind closed doors. 
HENDERSON: [Langhs] He's like а four- 
аг general. He has a vibrant force, you 
know. Tom just looks at you. He has 
these peering eyes. He has to pass my 
locker all the time. Fm always smiling 
it him. "How are you doing, coach?” 
Ive never been invited to his house, 
never been with him to play golf on 
Sunday. So, to me, he's my boss. 
PLAYBOY: The "system" that Landry has 
developed through the years is said to be 
tough to learn, Was it difficult for you? 
HENDERSON: It frustrated me. They gave 
me this big book. A computer book 
Numbers and funny terminologies. It's 
like opening up a Webster's Dictionary 
or this PLAYBOY magazine and saying, 
“OK, Гус got to learn everything in 
here, by Friday. And don't forget it" I 
sit back and go to sleep. 
PLaynoy: What would you change in the 
Cowboy system? 
HENDERSON: Т 
military boot 
money and you g 
schoolroom with those kind of chairs 
with desks on them and watching a pro- 
jector six hours а day, getting yelled at 
by the coaches. ТЇЇ be saying to myself, 
“I don't need this.” So I tune ‘em ош. 


sable 


But 
Tom Li 


defense 


ining camp. Its like a 
mp. You're making good 
e sining there in a 


I never complain. 1 know there's no 
place ГА rather һе than on my job. So 
whatever it takes. 


pLaynoy: Even intimidation? 
HENDERSON: Oh, they love to intimidate 
you. They don't want the all-Amer 
football play - The coach'll 
be smiling at you one minute, screaming 
the atmosphere 
las ody—well, 

everybody: we're getting cooler and cool- 
er as the years go on—is so paranoid 
about his job. And everybody knows 
when someone's on his way out. 

PLAYBOY: Are you Ж 


not 


black- 
n the 


yi 


balling of players still goes on 


NEL? 


HENDERSO: Because it's a 


Of course. 


This is not your everyday drawing. The ШІН А RIDE US. athletic teams receive no financial 
winner of this one gets weak support from the govemment. 
knees, white knuckles and ON THE BUD BOBSLED Allmoney must come from 
heart flutter. Because the prize HELP SUPPORT ple like you. And that's why 
isa trip to Lake Placid, and a90 judweiser's making this offer. 
mile per hour ride in the Budweiser bob- THE AAU For your contribution of $5 or more, 
sled. Down the Lake Placid run, with the Bud. _ youll receive ап official Budweiser AAU/USA 
AAU/USA National Bobsled Team. Pretty excit- National Bobsled Team patch. As well as the 
ing. But, even if youre not the adventurous type, satisfaction of knowing that your support really 
you can still ride along with usin spirit. By |, makes a difference. 

contributing $5 or more to the Team. So come on. Fill out the coupon. We 
Unlike most of the competition we'll want you riding with us at Lake Placid. 


befacing at Lake Placid in 1980, Ж = a пе ‘way or another. 
@ 


| 


PLAYBOY 


26 


monopoly. The owners own the ownci 
Justa few phone calls and it can be over. 
PLAYBOY: We understand that you have 
some pressure hanging over your own 
head. To be precise, а type of bounty 
has been offered to get Hollywood Hen- 
derson. Is that true? 

HENDERSON: Yes. It scares All Гуе 
done is try to promote football, you 


know. Then this coach at LA. says 
every time he looks at the game films of 
the L.A. Rams against Dallas, he wants 


to break the projector; and he said if no 
one else in the N.F.L. gets Hollywood, 
the Rams will. It’s a kind of threat and 
I've been talking to my attorney about 
it. So I've decided when we play the 
Rams, I want to see this coach. And 1 
want his ass first, “cause you have to 
break some ass to get some. 

PLAYBOY: Speaking of ass, do you need 
sex to get up for the game? 

HENDERSON: [Laughing] Its mice, the 
night before. It's better than a sedative. 
It doesn't bother me to have sex the 
morning of a game. I am an opportunist. 
But I'm not too available. I associate 
with a very select group. I don't hang 
around lobbies, you know. 
рїлүвоү: Do you think you're sexy? 


HENDERSON: I've been told I’m sexy. I 
don't consider myself a pretty boy or 
anything like that. I consider myself a 
masculine attraction. Most of my prop- 
ositions come from married women. Hey, 
I'm for the needy, not the greedy. 
PLaynoy; With your obvious eye for (с- 
male talent, can you tell us the true story 
behind the Dallas cheerleaders? 
HENDERSON: Before they were big, I had 
some friends on the squad. Now they've 
been told they can't date, talk, asso- 
ciate or be seen with a player. Seventy 
percent of the team is m 

association might be taken wrong. As 
for secret associations, theres alwa 
Ive heard some strong rumors. 


secrets. 


eally pretty. She would m 
te. Many people down here 
thought it was terrible that the girls 
posed for PLAvHoy—the ex-cheerleaders. 
I think PLAYBOY is artlul, so beautiful. 
The way rLavBoy does it is extrabcauti- 
Tul. Most chicks never look like that 
real lile. Probably, everybody up in the 


Cowboy offices has a PLAYBOY in his 
drawer. 
PLAYBOY: Are blacks still held back in 


the N.F.L.? 


By Baginski and Dodson 


ҮГҮТ 


Шыга 


cm 
E 


rni мо SAVE e 


Ese | sa oror aeres |, 
DIVORCED CALL FOR A COLANDER: 
jay 


mo 


“ALTHOUGH WHY ANYONE 
WOULD WANT TO DRAIN 


тен раме 


"Му FAVORITE ONE'S, 
МАЕ BY PLAYBOY..." 


A COLANDER j 


Splitsville is a comic strip about a mythical metropolis inhabited by the survivors of 
nuclearfomily explosions where the ex-wives sign up for seminars, 


exhusbands hong 


ош at singles bors and precocious ex-children vigorously lobby for reconciliation. 
Syndicated in more than 50 daily papers, Splitsville is drawn by Frank Baginski, who 


has never been married but hos “lived in sin quit 
Dodson, o real-life divorcee who says the strip covers “а certain psychological terri 
tory соттоп 10 all divorced people” where the ап! 


а bit,” end written by Reynolds 


pated greener-posture pleasures 


of breaking off а marriage are seldom, if ever, what they're cracked up to be. 


HENDERSON: No. Being black is no longer 
an excuse. I'm proud of being black. I 
love it. Tm tall, talented, neat in the 
aist, cute in the face and they call me 


Hollywood. How can I lose? 


YIPES! TRIPES! 
For those of you who will overindulge 
this holiday season, we offer thi a 
public service. We're sure you know 


about the traditional hangover reme- 
dies—bloody marys, vitamin B. a regis 
tered nurse—but you may not be 


of the Mexican breakfast of champions: 
menudo. It is а wipe soup. loaded with 
healing properties. Herewith is Jack 
Oliva nr menudo recipe, 
which triumphed in the 1978 Te: е 
Championship Menudo Cook-olt 


6 pounds heavy tripe, cut into Lin. 


ved 
ion, finely chopped 
granulated garlic or g; 


2 tablespoon 

lic powder 
1 teaspoon pure ground black pepper 
14 teaspoon cayenne pepper 
2 teaspoons salt 
2 tablespoons chili powder 
tablespoons paprika 

1 teaspoon ground oregano 

1 tablespoon ground cumin 

1 tablespoon flou 

1 16-02. can white hor 

Fresh cilantro, if desired 

Cover pigs’ feet with water and add 
onion, 1 tablespoon garlic. pepper, c 
enne and salt. Cook over medium hı 
until pigs. feet become slightly tender. 
Add tripe. Add water just to top of tripe 
and cook until tripe is tender (usually 
about 3 to 4 hours). Skim off and dis- 
card excess fat, Add chili powder, 1 
tablespoon garlic, paprika, oregano and 
cumin and cook about a half hour. Put 
flour in small jar, add a little water and 
shake well. Add to pot. Add hominy, 
well drained. Cook another 15 m 
Add salt or cayenne pepper 
Serve with finely chopped onion, lemon 
wedges and finely chopped cilantro. Al- 
s have a ready supply of hot tortillas. 
should make 5 quarts. 


nutes. 


to taste. 


THE EYES HAVE IT 


iuide dog Buttons has pulled off a 
stunt that will make both Lasie and 
Dr. Kildare jealous. A, good-natured ca- 
nine prone to sudden, unexpected stops, 
Buttons was known, on ocasion, to 
throw his master, 30-year-old Bob Au 
brey of Ottawa, off balance, Rec 
the dog got underfoot once too often 
and his blind master, toppling over him, 
struck his head soundly on the floor— 
and promptly regained his sight. 
who had been blind for 
the unscheduled bean be 
Buttons is thi 


How to make 
an intelligent choice 
between the 
world’s smartest cameras. 


The Genius. 


Actually, Polaroid’s SX-70 Sonar 
and Pronto Sonar Land cameras are 
both brilliant choices. 

Press a button. Both focus themselves 
with sound waves, set the exposure, 
advance the film and hand you a de- 
veloping picture. Automatically. 

Both are motor driven and let you 
shoot as fast as every 1V seconds. 


And both give you perfectly focused 
instant pictures every time. 

The difference is that the SX-70 
Sonar (on the left) has some impor- 
tant features our other brainchild 
doesnt. Like single-lens reflex view- 
ing. A 4-element glass lens. And a 
compact folding body. 


What's more, it lets you shoot 


The Prodigy 


from as dose as 10.4 inches to infinity 
—without changing lenses. Our 
Pronto Sonar only lets you come in 
as close as 3 feet. But then it costs 
less than half as much. 

АП of which leaves you with a 
tough choice. But don't worry. With 
two cameras this smart, you can't help 


but make a wise decision. 
©1979 Polaroid Corporation "SX207"Prontg" and Polaroid 


POLAROIDS SXOSONAR &PRONTO SONAR 


"The world's smartest cameras. 


28 


TRAVEL 


veral months ago. I caused an ex- 
$ tensive (and expensive) brouhaha in 
travel circles when 1 decided to try to 
find out which of the conflicting daims 
about traveler's-check. relundability was 
really true. My findings proved that the 
truth can sure stir up а hornet's nest- 
especially when the hornets are worth 
25-30 billion dolla nnually. 

The experiment sounded pretty sim: 
ple at the start: Thad a member of my 
stall purchase traveler's checks from each 
of the five best-known sources—Ameri- 
сап Express, Barclays, First National 
City, Thomas Cook and nk America— 
and then "lose" them en route to a 
Fourth-of-July visit in Washington, D.C. 
We purposely chose a holiday to best 
approximate a situation in which а trav- 
eler would be most likely to encount 
refund problems. 

"The results were illuminating In our 

American Express and Barclays 
able to provide a refund lor 
cher on the Fourth of July. 
ional City, Thomas Cook 
vari- 
idcast the re- 
the 


sults of my investiga 
fron 


response 
nies that had 


couple of the con 
fared too well in а 
was (as you might 

imed at the jugular. 
In a way, I learned nearly as much 
from the melee that followed my reports 
s 1 did from the research itself. 1 w 
attacked by some of the companies for 
not having conducted the tests “scien 
tifically” enough. As it turned out, се 

tain of the traveler'scheck companies 
have refund procedures that they don't 
publicize but make available to check 
losers only if they feel their customer is 
өшу in extremis. | learned there were 


not 


as 
those that convey desperate necd—that 
will get a waveler'scheck loser а swilt 
refund than less hysterical, more 
d requests. АП very interesting. с» 
pecially the part about not publicizing 
those emergency procedures for (сак toa 
many people m 

Despite substantial satislaction with 
the nd results of our do. 
mestic ch. one ni 
Would the results 


rea 
son 


hi use them. 


icthodolo 

rclund 
question. remained 
be the same if the waveler’s-check 
took place overseas rather than here in 
the U. S? After all, those American Ex- 
pres TY commerci c clearly slanted 
toward foreign travelers, including the 
now legendary concierge who made the 
line “Uh, let me think a phrase 
lor the ages. Since Ше American Express 
pitch clearly was aimed at internation: 
travelers, it seemed a legitimate ques 
tion. (Incidentally, shortly after шу re 
ports. the issue of refundability became 


roca 


EET 


Refunding lost traveler's 
checks is а cinch—with 
the right checks, that is. 


a cause célèbre whe 


п several companies 
psisted that the American Express ads 
unfairly suggested that its checks were 
the only ones that could be refunded. 
American. Express reluctantly made mi- 
nor changes in its ads.) 


So to complete one man’s search [à 
the reality of taveler’scheck refunds, 
1 decided to walk into the jet blast 


опе more time, and 1 again. purchased. 
$100 worth of cach of the five leading 
“brands” of s checks and pr 
ceeded to "lose" them en route to Paris. 
As with the prior domestic experiment, 
1 felt a nonbusiness day provided the 
only meaningful test, so 1 climbed on 
board an Air France Concorde on Friday 
afternoon, to try to recover my lost 
checks in Paris over that weekend. 
Beginning shortly after nine aat. on 
Saturday. I began to call the local of 
fices of the various traveler'scheck. com- 
panies. The receipt that came with the 
BankAmerica checks says: "In case of 
thelt arest finan- 
cial institution. that sells Bank? 
checks" No directory of refund centers 


loss or contact the m 


merica 


was ble (1 asked) from the place 
where I bought my checks in New 
York (the forcign-exchange firm ol Deak- 
Pera so 1 consulted the Paris tel 


phone book. Several calls to the listed 
Bank of America office got nothing but 
nging in my ear, and a query to the 
concierge at my hotel turned up no 


known emergency refund centers. So 
much for BankAmerica on a weekend. 

L didn't have much better luck with 
First National City, and. since 
had been the most outspoken 
lenging the controversial Ame 
press refund ads—to say nothing of my 
original refund reports—I tried to be 
extra-careful in following its prescribed 


aveler’s-check purchase receipt 
I got with my First National City checks 
refers only to a toll-free telephone num- 
ber (plus one in New York State) to 
call “for names and addresses of refund 
centers in the continental 0.5... .” 
1t also says: "Elsewhere for inlormation 
concern; nd Centers inquire at 
your hotel. your country's Embassy or 
Consulate or contact а Citibank, N.A. 


by trying to call the Citi- 
bank branch in Paris. No answer. 1 then 
tried the hotel concierge again (who 
by now was getting a little suspicious) 
No suggestions. So 1 headed for the 
American Embassy. There the Marine 
private at the gate could offer по help 
except, “Come back Monday to see some- 


one at American Services. No one is 
available to talk to you on weekends.” 
I can't say if the private was moved to 


help further by my entreaties (or by sec- 
ing me walk off and scribble in my note- 
book), but he called me back and sent 


me to see а sergeant inside the embassy 
Sergeant of the Guard Schwefel could 
not have been more solicitous—or 
help. He said the only address he had for 
C k was the sume one I had from 
the phone book, and all he could suggest 
was t 10 the. Citibank 
ofice to be sure they were not just lettin 
the phone ring. A walk up the Champs 
Elysces (to number 60) revealed а com. 
pletely shuttered bank. 

In the interest of accuracy, 1 should 
point out that the Citibank traveler's- 
check receipt also suggests: "Wire Citi- 
corp Services, Incorporated, 399 Park 
Avenue. New York 10013 (cable керох 
cm. New York), Give full serial numbers 
of lost checks or. if not available. the 
date and place of purchase.” 1 did 
think it necessary t0 go to that extre 
lly because my na 


less 


I walk over 


part ne might have 


been recognized from the carlicr r 


fracas but me 


€ because I [elt that any 
one so desperate for his lost funds prob 
ably wouldn't h 
thermore, E had taken the precaution 
of having a member of my май 
Citibank before I jelt New York a 
her post as a worried traveler 
mine just what she might. have to do to 
get a relund in Paris over а weekend. 
She was told she would have to w 


ve the m 


ey lor a wire 


10 deter 


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PLAYBOY 


32 


When music is part 


of your life. 


of your music 


Stevie Wonder's life revolves 
around music. Almost two dec- 
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lifetime of experiences—reflect- 
ed in the music through which 
Stevie Wonder contributes much 
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‘TDK hopes its quality cas- 
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enabling it to be enjoyed wher- 
ever people are listening. A 
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© 1979 TDK Electonics Сор 


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quality... precision...reliabil- 
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al Lhuse шоша» you eujuy 
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ТОК» D cassette is made for 
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If music's as important to you 

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record it on TDK 
D cassettes. 


TDK Electronics Corp., Garden City, N.Y. 11530 


until Monday morning 
Bardays Bank was next. A 
ollicer 


security 
(who would not give his name) 


answered the phone in Paris and said no 
one was in and that no one would be 
there until Monday. When he was asked 


about an emergency refund, all he could 


olfer was, “C 

But Barclays 1 
booklet titled. “Tr 
fund Service” to buyers of its checks, and 


call the police.” 


nk does provide а 


vellers Cheques Ке 


it advises you to call England collect 


According to my notes, 1 began calli 


shortly after 9:21 Алм. on Saturday (after 
ringing Barclays 
ollicer in Paris) and continued intermit- 
tently through the day and evening. The 
direct-dialing system now operative in 
most of Western Europe made that rela- 
tively easy, but it didn't help much with 
the busy signal I kept getting. 

Finally. on Sunday morning. 1 called 
the hotel concierge (blessedly not the 
same onc as the preceding day) and asked 


olf from the security 


if he might explain the constant busy 
signal. “What arca code are you dial 
ing?” he inquired, with proper Gallic 


condescension. 1 gave him the code noted 
on the Barclays booklet. "Oh." he said 
putting another стаз américain im his 
place, "you shouldn't dial the first 0 
when calling from Paris." 

I tried to tell him it was all Barclays 
fault. but he was having none of it and I 
finally had to settle lor getting throu; 
Chivers, the 


to Barclays in England Mr 


security officer who answered the phone 


was immensely sympathetic and insisted 
I call back collect. 1 explained that that 


way not necessary (actually, the snooty 
concierge had me that “the 
office is not open on Sunday to process 
collect calls ` 
ers took all my pertinent data—which 
took 20 minutes—and then hed 
wire Paris. Triumphant, I asked, “Where 
can I pick up my money?” 

“AL any one ol our offices." he replied 

“Your offices are all closed,” 1 said 
feeling success (and the price of the call) 
slipping away. 

You'll have to go there оп Monday,” 
he said sympathetically 

We then had another five minutes or 


told post 


and humphed ой). Chiv- 


said 


so about emergency refunds and my need 


for the moncy. but the bottom line was 
still "Monday 
Chivers, and a credit to your 
but very little bloody good on a wecken: 

Now the good news. After the initial 
unsuccessiul calls to BankAmerica, First 
National City and Barclays Bank, I tried 
American Express and Thomas Cook 
Both answered their phones. The Ameri 
сап Express representative said to go tc 
the Amex office on the Rue Saibe (the 
one nearest my hotel), and the Thomas 
Cook man said to go to the Cook office 
in the Place de la Madelcine (ditto). The 
Cook guy also asked if I'd been to the 


You're а пісе man, Mr 


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33 


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police, to which I replied no. He told 
me to go to the police before going in, 
but when | said I didn't know the ad 
dress of the police station, he suggested 
I go to his office and he'd show me the 
way 

I stopped at American Express first, 
arriving at 10:15 A.M. There was a cou 
ple from Ohio ahead of me (they'd lost 
$450 to a pickpocket), so 1 had to wait 
my turn to fill out the long loss form. 
But once the form was complete, the 
refund voucher took less than three 
minutes, and then it was down to the 
basement cashier. where 1 waited in 
line (three folks ahead of me) for my 
refund. With all of the form filling 
and waiting, I walked out of the Ameri- 
can Express office with new traveler's 
checks in the full amount of my loss (I 
could have had cash, but 1 con- 
cerned 1 might lose it) at 10:45 л.м. 
Merci, American Express. 

‘Thomas Cook did even better. 1 ar- 
rived at exactly 11 А.м. and а woman 
(the guy who wanted me to call the gen- 
darmes was nowhere in sight) gave me a 
loss form to fill out—four pages’ worth, 
in three languages. After surrendering 
every known fact to the form, the wom- 
an was still suspicious and more than 
mildly officious. Again and again, she 
asked if I had read the representations 
on the form and сусп had me specifical 
ly initial one paragraph, But even with 
all the skepucism and inquisition, 1 
still had my full refund in my pocket 
(again in travelers checks, and again 
] could have had the cash) as 1 walked 
out of the Cook office at 11:15 Ам. 
Merci beaucoup, Thomas Cook 

Monday morning (October first) 
dawned warm and sunny, and зо did Citi 
bank. It could not have been more help- 
ful and accommodating, and the elapsed 
time from arrival in the bank to de- 
parture with refund checks in pocket— 
g filling out a lengthy form and 
waiting behind four other customers— 
was only 16 minutes. 

The Bank of America 
well, though its office bi 
Tr 
cacti and a couple more 
суеп with the long line at the cashier 
and the form lady's long personal tele- 
phone call, 1 had my refund in half an 
hour. 
Barclays Bank functioned least eflec- 
tively—it had done lots better in the 
U.S. experiment—though eventually it 
too, came through, The stalwart Mr. 
Chivers declaration that any Barclays 
Bank in Paris could refund checks 
proved untrue. A visit to the Barclays 
branch on the Rond-Point des Champs 
Elysées proved pointless, and the bank 
representative cared. not at all about 
what his British counterpart had said 
a day carlier. Не did, however, write 


did nearly as 
nd the Arc de 
h a few less 
tellers. But 


mphe could do 


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36 


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down the address of the main Barclays 
branch and bade me a fond adieu 

At the main Paris office, things took 
a while to get much better. A gentleman 
at the bank entrance listened. intently 
to my tale of lost-check мос and under- 
stood not a word. He did, however, 
direct me to a long line in front of the 
lonc operative cashier's window. 

By now a seasoned veteran of the lost- 
traveler'scheck sweepstakes, I knew that 
form filling always precedes trips to the 
cashier's cage, so 1 nipped olt the line 
to ask another non-English-comprehend- 
ing employee (remember, were in а 
British bank!) about who consoles trav- 
cler's-check losers. She, too, had not a 
clue about what to do with me and 
pointed to the same line. 

For nearly half an hour, I waited in 
what I knew was the wrong line, alter- 
nately searching for someone who looked 
as though he or she spoke English and 
wondering if the lovely young blonde 
thing in the cashier's cage ever took im- 
poverished Americans home. As I had 
feared, she offered neither hospitality nor 
a refund: rather, she directed me (finally) 
to the lady with the forms. 

It took only ten minutes more to con- 
clude the refund—including а confirm- 
ing call to England to check my previous 
day's report—and 1 left Barclays Bank 
th new checks about three quarters of 
an hour after entering. 

The conclusions of this experiment 
are hardly obscure, There are, as far as 1 
can see, three fundamental reasons for 
choosing one “brand” of traveler's check 
over another: (1) price; (2) acceptance; 
and (3) safety and refundability. As to 
cost, American Express, First National 
City and Bank of America generally 
charge one percent for their checks (one 
dollar for each 5100 purchased), though 
there are occasional "sales" and certain 
corporations that get even those checks 
free (because of their other bank rela- 
tionships). But most mortals pay the 
one percent. Thomas Cook checks are 
free from certain banks (such as my own) 
and to all holders of Diners Club cards; 
and Barclays Bank checks are always 
t to Cook and Barclays. 
or another, Гус used all 
of these brands of checks in various 
places and never had one even ques- 
tioned, much less refused. As far as I 
can tell, they seem to enjoy equal accep- 
tance. And as far as safety and refund: 
ability аге concerned, all give prompt 
refunds during mormal business hours. 
But American Express and Thomas 
Cook. with offices and/or representatives 
in most major foreign cities that don’t 
necessarily keep bankers’ hours, have а 
far better chance of getting replacement 
funds to you in a foreign crisis—especial- 
ly one that takes place on а holiday or 
over a wcckend. 


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37 


|OSTALGIA QUIZ UPDATE: Thanks 

for all your cards and letters about 
our Psychedelic Mystery Poster in the 
October issue. A lot of you got most of 
it, and there seemed to be a couple of 
favorite readings of the hard parts. But 
most of you complained that we didn’t 
print it large enough, and one person 
threatened suit for eyestrain. Bitch, 
bitch, bitch, But ask and ye shall get, 


кесп 


0 
TA SHAT CN 
(уу Jo 


once in a while—here's a slo-mo, close- 
up replay. We're still not sure what it 
says, so send your updates on what all of 
it is to the Music Editor. If you were 
right the first time, just hang їп. We'll 
get back to you in April. 


THE AMITYVILLE ELVIS? Fans of the 
King should be happy to learn that he's 
apparently been heard from—from, uh, 
you know, over there. And for 56.65, you 
can hear it yourself on The Elvis Presley 
Seance (Shadow Records), conducted in 
England by a well-known medium. On 
it, according to Shadow Records, "you 
will hear all the questions and answers 
from the spirit world of Elvis Presley.” 
We bet that even іп the beyond, he's 
still the King. 


GEORGE BENSON: 1. 
Music by Ravel (con- 
ducted by Leonard 
Bernstein). 2. Flamenco 
guitar music. 3. Dinah 
Washington. (Q.) What 
song do you most wish 
you had written? (А) 
Star Dust. 


NILE RODGERS (gui 
tarist; co-writer, arrang- 
er and producer of 
CHIC) 1. Sister Sledge / 
We Are Family (Айап- 
tic). 2. Donna Summer / 
Bad Girls (Casablanca). 
3. The Knack / Get the 
Knack (Capitol). 4. 
Cheap ‘Trick / Live at 
Budokan (Epic). 5. 
Stephanie Mills. 


DONALD FAGEN 
(STEELY DAN): 1. Phil 
Woods / Altology (Pres 
tige). 2. Dandy's Dandy 
(Venture). 3. Sonny Rol- 
lins / Way Out West 
(Contemporary). 4. Surf 
Punks (Dayglow). 


IAN HUNTER: 1. Leon 
Russell. 2. Jesse Win- 
chester (Bearsville). 8 
Bob Dylan / Highway 
61 Revisited (Colum- 


bia). 4. Rolling Stones / 


Some Girls (Rolling 
Stones). 5. The Clash / 
Give 'Em Enough Rope 
(Epic). 6. Flash in the 
Pan (Epic). 


SHA-BOOM, SHA-BOOM: Back in the 
halcyon Fifties. a lot of doowop singing 
groups made a cappella recordings—but 
only The Persuasions have carried the 
tradition of singing without instruments 
into modern times. On Comin’ at Ya (Fly- 
ing Fish), they harmonize on Return to 
Sender, Crying in the Chapel and other 
great oldies; no time capsule should be 
without it. 


MOVIES ARE BETTER THAN EVER— 
OR AT LEAST THE SOUND TRACKS 
ARE: We've never even heard of a movie 
called Over the Edge (Warner Bros.) over 
here in the Music Department, but it's 
got a terrific sound track with an all-star 


lineup: Cheap Trick, The Cars, Ra 
mones, Van Halen, Valerie Carter, Little 
Feat and Jimi Hendrix. It's like your 
own little jukebox. So is Rock *n' Roll High 
School (Sire), which is mostly Ramones 
on side one, with a string of great 


Join us in the royal box for the holidays. 


Bombay. The Gentle Gin. One of the three great gins imported from England. 


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be announced 


От Order it Phone 
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(Except Illinois, Alaska, Hawaii. 


Boulder, Colorado 80322 In Illinois only, call 800-972-6727.) 


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2 wants— PLAYBOY. Order gift 
subscriptions now, 
while special holiday 
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42 


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elegance...in the 
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Beach Hotel and Golf 
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It's a vacation paradise 
made even more so. 
ina 


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The Ambassador Beach Hotel Nassau, Bahamas 


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“school” songs оп the other—Teen Age 
Depression, Smoking in the Boys’ Room, 
School Days, School's Ош, ct al.—all the 
originals. The movie zoomed through the 
drive-ins into the weekend midnight cult 
houses, Americothon (Lorimar) didn't lare 
so well. It hung around awhile last sum- 
mer and caught as much nasty press 
as any movie in years. It was pretty aw- 
ful, we guess. But the sound track has 
original music by The Beach Boys, Elvis 
Costello, Eddie Money and Nick Lowe. 
The Wenderers (Warner Bros) is probably 
the only "real" movie of the bunch. Its 
sound track—hand-picked by Richard 
Price, author of the original novel—is 
another fine jukebox, this one circa 1962, 
filled with the classis and including 
Sherry, My Boy Friend's Bach, Baby It's 
You, Do You Love Me and, of course, 
The Wanderer. 


REVIEWS 


We've seen advertised a device that 
eliminates the vocal track from most 
sterco records. Attach it to your system 
and you can enjoy instant Muzak. The 
technological marvel costs 5195. It 
should be included free with every pur- 
chase of Bob Dylan's Slow Train Coming 
(Columbia) and/or Randy Newman's 
Born Again (Warner Bros). Once again, 
Dylan bares his Judaeo-Christian soul. 
And once again, with Gonna Take Off 
Му Pants, Newman bares his. And once 
again, we're bored. 

. 

Karla Bonoff's Restless Nights (CBS) is 
a satisfying (ic. long-awaited) second 
album. The tide cut is а killer—an 
anthem to the heart of Los Angeles that 
is reminiscent of the better tunes on the 
Eagles’ Hotel California. The produc- 
tion is impeccable: Waddy Watchel’s 
guitarwork (particularly on Trouble 
Again) sizzles, while Bonofl's acoustic 
duet with James Taylor on the old folk 
tune The Water Is Wide is resonant and 
rich. We like this lady a lot. 

. 

the age of disco has 
lot of overproduced 
arken 


If you feel tha 
swamped us 
tripe that masquerades as boogie. 
to the clean, hard sounds of Chuck 
Brown and the Soul Searchers on Bustin’ 
loose (Source). The two ballads on the 
album—Never Gonna Give You Up and 
Could It Be Love—employ strings and 
tend to wear out their welcome a bit; but 
the five groove tunes, which achieve a 
big, dramatic sound with only a few 
pieces, wouldn't get boring if they lasted 
for weeks. 


. 

Гус been g for a long, long 
time; if you haven't heard about me, it 
n't no fault of mine,” declares Liule 
Johnny Taylor on the title tune of 1.27. 
(Ronn), which successfully combines age- 
old blues ideas with the disco beat of 


THE НАТ STRADA. 
IT SQUEEZES 28 MILES OUT OF EVERY GALLON 


WITHOUT SQUEEZING YOU. 


228. 


It took a lot of automotive art and advanced And the Strada gives vou something else 


technology to do it, but the 1979 Fiat Strada none of those other cars do. A 24 month/24,000 
has it. The room of a compact and the mileage mile limited power train TM ETT 
of a subcompact. warranty. One twice as 
estimates. Remember: long as most economy ds 
This estimate is for comparison cars, ERU 
purposes. Your mileage may be For the name of the таа 


different depending on your speed, Fiat dealer nearest vou, call toll- 
trip length, and weather. Highway (800) 447-4700 or in Illinois (800) 
age will probably be less. test-drive the Strada today. 

vary in California. 
"That's more miles per gallon than the 

gas-engine Rabbit, Honda Accord, Omni or 

Horizon give you. And you get more room in a 

Strada than they give you. too. Along with 

front-wheel drive, a gas-saving 5th gear 

standard, and the kind of comfort 

youd never expect to get in 4 


an economy сағ. 


pF [I ДАТ] 


STRADA. ANOTHER ITALIAN WORK OF ART. 


There are certam limitations and exclusions, See your dealer for details © Frat Motors of North America, Inc., 1979 


43 


HOLIDAY 


ecommended gift records for rockin" 
R round the Christmas tree: For those 
who don't know anything а 
Wave but know what they lik 
rock "m roll—you can't go wrong with 
Elvis Costello's Armed Forces (Columbia), 
Nick Lowe's Labour of Lust (Columbia) 
ог Dave Edmunds’ Repeat When Necessary 
(Swan Song)—and for those who like 
it hard, try Give ‘Em Enough Rope (Epic), 
by The Clash. Or you can get back 
toward the source with Ше 15-усаг 
Who anthology, The Kids Are Alright 
(MCA), or The Essential Jimi Hendrix Volume 
Two (Reprise), which includes an 
8:47 C-LO-R. that’s basic ғаш. Ап- 
other essential is Bob Dylan ог Budokan 
(Columbia), a double live LP that beau- 
tifully sums up his carcer up to, but mer- 
cifully not including, being reborn. All 
your friends with yachts in the Carib- 
bean ought to have Jimmy Buffett's Vol- 
cone (MCA). For slightly countrified 
tastes, there's The Amazing Rhythm Aces 
(Columbia), a great album that was lost 
in the shufile of ABC's folding; much 
closer to good old-fashioned old-boy stuff 
Willie and Loon—One for the Road (Co- 
nd Waylon Jennings’ Grectest 
(RCA). And on Jerry Lee lewis (Elek. 
, the Killer is exactly that it's his hot- 
test in 15 years. In a 
Lee Jones (Warner Bros.) is a terrific debut 
album from a terrific new vocalist, and 
Joni Mitchell's Mingus (Asylum) is nearly 
s captivating as it is eccentric. Disco 
picks (is that ап oxymoron?) 
Summers Bed Gids (С: 
there's anyone left who doesn't o 
and an anthology called А Night at Studio 
54 ( rll put your giftce 
right there with Steve Rubell, if such 
are her/his holiday fantasies. 


GENTIEME 
ARE REQUESTED 


BLACK 
TO ALL AFFARS. 


The Cologne. The Splash-On. 
The Midnight Musk 


are 


Any rhythmand-blues fan who's 
plugged in to what's happening would 
appreciate the well-tempered disco /soul 
sounds of Chic оп Risqué (Atlantic) or 
the more rambunctious Midnight Magic 
(Motown) of the Commodores. lsaac 
Hayes has a new album, Don't Let Go (Pol- 
ydor), that's as smooth, sexy and wise as 
his venerable head. Two other classy 
ues well timed for holiday giving are 
the O'Jays’ Identify Yourself. (Philadelphia 
International) and Ashford & Simpson's 
Stay Free (Warner Bros). 

There's no shortage of fine jazz re- 
leascs, new and classic, to buoy up any 
sagging spirits this holiday season. For 
openers, Keith Jarrett has a three-sided 
set, Eyes of the Heart, as well as his epic 
ten-LP live solo album, Sun Bear Concerts 
(both on ЕСМ). The new Anthony 
Braxton release, Alte Sax Improvisations 
1979, complements his three LP orches- 
tral work, Anthony Broxton (both Arista). 
The Brazilians Flora Purim and Egberto 
Gismonti each have new albums, Carry 
Оп (Warner Bros.) and Sole (ECM), ге- 
spectively, as does the Pat Metheny 
Group, with American Garage (ECM). 


‘The classic reissues keep on coming, 
with gems like Charlie Parker's The Com- 
plere Savoy Studio Sessions (Savoy); the 
Mingus compendium Passions of а Mon 
(Adantic); Jelly Roll Morton piano 
solos on New Orleons Memories Plus Two; 
carly Lester Young with the Kansas cay 
Six ond Five (both Commodore); а th 
LP set of Jack Teagarten, King of the 
Blues Trombone (Columbia Special Prod- 
ucts); a four-LP bebop anthology, Swing 
Street (CBS Collector's Series); and two 
ic Holiday collections, Swing, Brother, 
Swing (also CBS Collector's Series) and. 
Fine end Mellow (Commodore). Those 
should kecp you jazed well into thc 
new year, 

On the classical side, the new тес 
ing of Benjamin Britten's Peter Grimes 
(Philips), which may be the best modern 
English-language opera, features the in- 
spired singing and acting of tenor Jon 
Vickers and the firm, sensitive hand of 
conductor Colin Davis. The Four Brohms 
Symphonies (DGG) are given big, full- 
bodied readings by Herbert Von Kara- 
jan and the Berlin Philharmonic. DGG's 
sonics casily surpass the long-esteemed 
recordings with the same forces it gave 
the Sixties, КСА first ven- 
igital recording is Béla Bar- 
tók's Concerto for Orchestra. This landmark 

20th Century music is well served here 
by Eugene Ormandy and the Philadel- 
phia Orchestra. Mozart's opera Idomeneo, 
long considered merely an interesting 
antique, is finally taking its place among 
is recognized masterpieces; a new set 
on DGG features а fine cast led by the 
great Karl Bohm, with the usual splen- 
Deutsche Grammophon sound. 


Imported from France. 86 proof. 


PLAYBOY 


46 


today (the beat, of course, has а lat 
"soul" sound that's a lot more compelling 
than the bloodless, metallic sound fa- 
vored by most of disco. Taylor and his 
producer, Sonny Thompson, who has 
also been around for a long, long time, 
mellow down for some nice soul bal- 
lads, but they really do things to the 
blues, rocking and rolling them on J 
Need Some Lovin’, then sending them to 
church on But You Do. The packagi 
is not exactly big league—Ronn Records 
is a subsidiary of Jewel, a Shreveport 
company that has been putting out de- 
lightfully unspoiled blues, Gospel and 
country music for quite a few years—but 
whats inside is a complete course in 
classic R&B production techniques. 


SHORT CUTS 


Abba / Voulez-Vous (Atlantic 
mais non, merci 

Graham Parker and the Rumour / Live Sparks 
(Arista): Obligatory concert release of re- 
cent Parker material that, strangely, lacks 
the excitement of the studio versions. 

Tem Verlaine (Elektra): The former 
Television member continues to build 
his own quict wing onto the New York 
School of Rock ‘n’ Roll. 

The Rebinoo: / Back to the Drawing Board! 
(Beserkley) Ever wonder what became 
of Freddie and the Dreamers? 

Jules and the Polar Bears / Phonetics (Со- 
lumbia), A disappointing second cflort 
from а California band that had shown 
a lot of promise. 

ADC Band / Talk That Stuff (Cotillion): 
Brightly colored sou! hoogies that prove 
once again that, ADC notwithstanding, 
the child who's got his own shit together 
is the one who's blessed. 

Mutiny / Mutiny on the Momoship (Colum- 
: Having learned their мш play- 
ing behind Parliament on the road, 
these guys figured they could be just as 
[unky—for more — doubloons—under 
their own flag. Smart thinking. 

Mary Wilson (Motown): With some big 
but congenial sounds behind her, а sur- 
viving Supreme displays a warm, spirited 
vocal style on her solo debut. 

Big Joe Duskin / Cincinnati Stomp ( Arhoo- 
lie): When his father, а minister, was й 
his BOs, Duskin promised ıo play no 
blues or boogie till the old man died 
Then Duskin Sr. lived to 104, which gave 
Big Joe lots of time to p 

Eddie Henderson / Runnin’ 
(Capitol): A classy trumpeter works out 

id-back set that ranges from the 
iscoish title tune to a spacy duet with 
Herbie Hancock called Marlana. 

Steve Khon / Arrows (Columbia): Arrows 
and slings of outrageously good fu 
music. 

Chuck Berry / Rockit (Atco): When the 
music in the poetry and the poetry in the 
music come together, which is most of 
the time, it's out of sight. 


Merci, 


tice. 


to Your Leve 


on а 1. 


а 


FAST TRACKS 


QUOTE OF THE MONTH: The Prince 
George's County Liquor Board has 
banned punk-rock concerts in the Uni- 
versity of Maryland area because 
"We're against punk rock that leads 
people out into the street, causing 
trouble, defecating, urinating and for- 
nicating." The board defined punk as 
"music played at a high-decibel level." 
Come on, fellas, does that include 
Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture? 


jANDOM RUMORS: This month 

Is Stranger Than Fiction Aw 
goes to Tommy Chong (one half of 
Cheech and . . . ). An old Cheech ond 
Chong routine about an overly aggres- 
sive panhandler came true іш the 
rport recently when Chong 
ile were approached by a 
member of Hare Krishna. When 
Chong refused to contribute, the 
Krishna got abusive and was booked 
on battery charges. . . . Michael Schenker, 
known in rock circles as the "in- 
credible disappearing guitarist," has 
reappeared again. Schenker, lead 
guitarist [or UFO, left the group un- 
expectedly in 1977 after а London 
concert, He reappeared for a while, 
disappeared again in 1978, өші 
recently with a European band, 
Scorpions, and disappt 
problem of keeping tabs on him has 
finally becn solved, at least for the 
time being: Schenker is currently 
working on a solo album. . .. When 
John Mayall's house went up in smoke 
last fall out in Los Angeles, he lost 
one of the best porn collections in 
the world—stuff dating back to the 
19th Century. . . . We've heard. just 
about every promotional gimmick, 
but this one's pretty amazing: During 
The Cors 17.5. tour, female fans 
cach city will be encouraged to enter 
а "carwash contest" Winners will 
get the dubious honor of showering 
with the band after the concerts. . . . 
Otis Redding's two sons, Dexter and Otis 
Wi, are trying to crack the music biz. 


As the Redding Band, theyre cur- 
rently appearing in a disco run by 
their mother. They reportedly cut an 
album for Capricorn shortly before 
that company folded and are now 
attempting to place it elsewhere. 
REELING AND ROCKING: Meat Loaf 15 Str- 
new movie called Roadie. 
1000.000 project is described 
rock-music comedy. Мг. Loaf made 
his movie debut in The Rocky Hor- 
ror Picture Show. . . . According to 
Jim Morrison's former publicist, Danny 
Sugermon, two major studios are vying 
for his “unauthorized” account of 
Morrison's life. Co-written with Jerry 
Hopkins, the siga begins in Florida 
and continues through the біп 
death ten years ago. Suger 
the lamily is against the book 
no doubt feel the same about a m 
'gends get no respect 
NEWSBREAKs: We recently made a 
joke about expecting the Lord's Pray- 
er in disco. Until now, we had no 
idea anyone had actually considered 
it Audio experts in San Diego have 
discovered that the words to the pray- 
er have been hidden subliminally in 
Blue Oyster Culr's song You Are Not the 
One on the album Mirrors. We 
sorry. We'll never joke again. . .. For 
the senap on what goes on at а typ- 
ical rock concert these days, we take 
you to the Long Beach, California, 
Arena. Midway through a concert by 
the Marshall Tucker Bond, a devotee 
smashed a 1978 Camaro through one 
of the doors of the hall. The un- 
identified fan leaped out of the auto 
and escaped into the crowd. Damage 
to the arena—not the —is esti- 
mated at $2000. . . . Reggae star 
Peter Tosh has had one of his songs, 
Fight On, banned by the South АГ 
can government. The offending ly 
Africa must be free by 1983." Don't 
those guys in Pretoria understand 
how important a rhyme сап be to a 


mu 22. Rock fans may soon 
be able to watch their fa 
as they listen to the 


Who have made a technological break- 
through in the use of holograms. The 
shining of a bright light at an exact 
angle on the spinning record pro- 
duces a three-dimensional image of 
nd, which apparently hovers in 
2. Hey, man, what's the lat- 
est in the police state? Disco singer 
Evelyn “Champagne” King is hot in 
Chile. . . . Rosanne Cash says her father, 
Johnny Cash, has ambitions for her rc- 
cording career but basically "thinks 1 
should stay at home and hang cur- 
tains.” He never would have dared say 
that to Mother Maybelle. . . 


ARBARA NE 


Rich Lights 


from Viceroy 


The rich low‘tar’ 


Kings and 1008. 


Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined 
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. | 
9 mg. "tar", Û .8 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette by FTC method. 


Starting with the January issue, OU! presents 
an entirely new concept іп men's magazines ү 
—a survival guide specially designed for to- 2 
day's young men. It's your turn for a change, 
guys, and the new Ош will help give you the 
chance to call yourown shots. The new ОМСОП- 
fronts the coming decade head-on, to sort out 
the sense from the nonsense, the facts from 
the hype. 7 


The new Ош! provides street-smart advice on money, careers, sex, rela- 
tionships. fashion, grooming and other matters that matter. You'll learn 
about coping with jealousy and 
dealing with breaking up, the art 
of massage and the art of dodg- 
ing the coming draft. In future 
issues, you'll read imaginative, 
provocative articles such as: 
Competing with Older Men 
Handling Your Landlord 
Lessons in Body Language 
When to Change Jobs 
Waking Up at Her Place 
Making It with Older Women 
When the Boss Is a Woman 
Buying a Car 

Whether it's shopping for a 
sound system or a girlfriend, 
getting a loan or getting out of 
one, the new OU! will help 
whip your affairs into shape. 


The new ОМ is loaded with exciting. ener- 
getic new features. Like DR. OUI, who'll 
answer any question about any subject. 
Small Talk in which WKRP's Loni Anderson, 
American Graftiti's Candy Clark and others 
get loose with OUI photographers and inter- 
viewers. Plus an all-new pictorial spectac- 
ular, The California Girl. And the new out 
will still feature outrageous interviews (this 
month: Cheech and Chong). killer laughs. 
sexy Sex Tapes and, naturally, the world's 
most beautiful women. 

Let's face it. The Eighties aren't going to be 
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hen Dalton Trumbo died in 1976, 

he left behind an unfinished nov- 
el—one he had been working on for 16 
years. While he was alive, he kept busy 
writing such screenplays as Exodus, Pa- 
pillon and Lonely Are the Brave and 
treated the novel as a kind of treasured 
hobby. Now editor Robert Kirsch has put 
the novel as it stood at the time of 
‘Trumbo's death together with the au- 
ог notes to create Night of the Aurochs 
(Viking). Aurochs (the title refers to a 
European bison, now extinct) is the fic 
tional biography of Grieben, a German 
officer who found himself running things 
at Auschwitz. It is also a remarkable doc- 
ument. The first ten chapters of the 
novel in finished form are wonderfully 
compelling reading in which we witness 
Grieben growing up to be a little mon- 
ster. The second half of the book is a 
collection of Grieben's "diary entries," 
"Irumbo's notes for the novel, plot sum- 
maries, letters to friends explaining the 
novel and so forth. This material pro- 
vides a fascinating look at the process of 
writing а book. We would, of course, 
have preferred the completed novel—but 
what we have certainly holds the ацеп- 
tion and provides yet another piece of 
proof that Trumbo was a major literary 
talent. 


. 

‘The publishing industry has raised its 
Hydra heads and sniffed around and 
decided that if the Sixties were devoted 
to blacks and the Seventies to women, 
well, gosh, oh, gee, maybe the Eighties 
should pay a little attention to men. 
Now, that’s fine and dandy, but if A Mon. 
in the Making: Grandfathers, Fathers and Sons 
(Richard Marek), by Dr. Richard C. 
Robertiello, is a sample of what's com- 
ing, we for a tedious time. This 
book reads as if it had been chatted into 
а tape recorder and then transcribed by 
a secretary directly into а manuscript, 
with precious little sense of language or 
drama. Let's hope we men will be more 
imaginative than this as the decade 
moves on. 


. 

There arc many among us who believe 
that Michael Korda has been wasting his 
considerable talent and intelligence 
writing about male chauvinism, power 
and success. Those same people should 
be happy to read Chormed Lives: A Family 
Romance (Random House). It is а chroni- 
cle of the remarkable film-making Korda 


brothers: Sir Alexander (the director and 
nogul), Zoltan (the director) and 


movie 


as it recounts the q 
family mes 
Hungarian customs. And beca 
Korda was a truly cosmopolitan figure 


nd its somet 


A monster in chief's 
clothing. 


Trumbo's Night sparkles; 
A Man in the Making 
turns life stone-cold. 


Making Man, ineptly. 


who counted Winston Churchill among 
his intimes, the book is filled with charm- 
ng bits of information about how Ше 
was lived on a 


Hotel de Paris 
uncle Alex 


lo with his 
nother le 


Monte 
d noticing at 


de Rothschild 
extremely 


the then feeble Baron 
lunching with his 
nurse. The baron's one joy in life, 


buxom 


seemed, was to spit his ora 
the woman's ample cleavage from 
the table. He evidently never missed. 
But Korda has done more th: 
us peek 
е after all, to deseribe а family Ше of 
which you were an part. Yet 
Korda does it with style and charm and 
maturity; and, in doing so, tells us а 
great deal about families in general and 
one’s survival in them. 

. 

А. Frank Кесіз study of television, 
The Networks: How They Stole the Show 
(Scribner's), has its heart and focus in the 
right place; namely, the way in which 
three major corporations have monopo- 
lized and manipulated the American 
consciousness—and made billions of dol- 
lars in the process. Reel covers the im- 
portant subjects: how the monopoly 
made, ratings and ways to "fix" them, 
the networks and their relationships and 
stations and producers, news coverag 
"family hour," censorship. Then he tri 
to outline remedies for the ties that are 
binding us. Through the spine of this 
informed examination, the question is 
continually asked: How much money is 
being made? Come to think of it, that 
seems to be what we all should be askin; 
isn't it? It was the late Edward R. Mur- 
row who first entertained the heretical 
notion that television networks may not 
deserve the monopolistic privileges they 
now enjoy. “I can find nothing in the 
Bill of Rights or the Communications 
Act which says that they must increase 
their net profits each year, lest the repub- 
lic collapse." Amen to that, says Reel. 

. 

Tranquillity Base ond Other Stories (Fiction 
International, St. Lawrence University, 
Canton, New York 13617), by frequent 
PLAYBOY Contributor Asa Baber, is filled 
with twists, tu good solid writing. 
The title story is absolutely spooky. B 
ber speaks in many voices; give a listen. 

О 


ge pits into 


cross 


t his famous family. 


active 


record each would 
island. Nobody suggested the sound 
track to Swiss Family Robinson, but 
then, rock critics are not noted for the 
tincts for self. preservation. The result- 
ing essays (no one was content to just 
album) are collected in Stranded 


name 


albums become 


sts, “figures with whom we carry опа... 


49 


50 


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HOLIDAY 


oliday greetings go out to you with 
H our annual gift-book ideas—begin- 
ning with two special novels PLAYBOY 
previewed during the past year: Joseph 
Heller's very funny look at Washington 
and middleaged Jewish manhood, Good 
аз Geld (Simon & Schuster), and Irwin 
Shaw's latest, The Top of the Hill (Dela- 
corte), also about male rites of passage. 
Both will make for good reading. An- 
other best-selling novel, William Styron's 
Opus Sophie’s Choice (Random House), is 
a meticulously researched side of the 
Holocaust not usually described. 

Harry М. Abrams, Inc, is known 
for some of the most spectacular coffee- 
table books ever made, and this year's 
output is no exception. American Art 
Nouveau, by Diane Chalmers Johnson, 
offers a broad view of American art from 
about 1880 to 1910 and indudes 394 il- 
lustrations. Broadway Musicals, by Martin 
Gottfried, gives the reader a perfect seat 
at all the best musicals that ever played 
the Great White Way. Abrams also of- 
fers Ritual and Seduction: The Decoration of 
the Human Body, with text by André Virel 
(translated by 1. Mark Paris) and photos 
by Charles and Josette Lenars, ап іп- 
credible voyage in words and pictures of 
mankind's use of the body to communi- 
cate messages of love, hate, power, ag- 
gression and pride. 

Two attractive. books that examine 
living and working space make useful as 
well as decorative gifts: Attention to Detail, 
“Distinctive Choices for Home Design 
and Remodeling” (Quick Fox), by Her- 
bert Н. Wise, and So This Is Where You 
Werk, "A Guide to Unconventional 
Working Environments" (Viking), by 
Charles A. Fracchia, with photographs 
by Mark. Kauffman. Ployboy's New Host & 
Ber Beok (Playboy Pres), by Thomas 
Mario, has been completely revised since 
the first version came out more than 
ten years ago. It now features an ex- 
tensive chapter on. wines, which weren't 


as important to the average consumer 
back then. Men are doing more enter- 
taining at home these days, and this 
volume can help you be prepared. 

From A & W Publishers come two 
photo books of particular note: The Con- 
сепз, by Laurie Lewis, 115 color pages 
of rock stars in concert, and Women on 
Women, “Twelve Photographic Portfo- 
lios prominent women's ideas about 
modern women and sexuality. 

Storan (Starart Productions Limited), 
designed and edited by Debby Chesher, 
is an unusual and very special book of 
drawings, paintings, sculpture and car- 
toons by musicians Joni Mitchell, John 
Mayall, Cat Stevens, Klaus Voormann, 
Ron Wood and Commander Cod) 

The sports tome this holiday season 
is The Ultimate Baseball Book (Houghton 
Mifflin), edited. by Daniel Okrent and 
Harris Lewine, who collected some rare 
photographs and let the likes of Red 

y Sheed and Tom Wicker 
ic over the sport. The his- 
torical text is provided by David Nemec. 

Armchair travelers can expect a won- 
derful trip to China this holiday in Chi- 
nese Encounters (Farrar, Straus & Giroux), 
with text by playwright Arthur Miller 
and photos by his wife, Inge Morath. 
Macmillan also has been thoughtful in 
pro home entertainment for the 
recession. Great Boord Games, by Brian 
Love, includes instructions for more 
than 40 games in a book designed large 
enough to be used as a playing board. 

For the automotive crowd, we're rec- 
ommending Mustang: The Complete History 
of America’s Pioneer Ponycar (Automobile 
Quarterly), by Gary L. Witzenburg. The 
author takes you behind the scenes, 
where the decisions were made, and pre- 
sents detailed facts on every Mustang 
built since 1964. 

Son of Lists is coming! The Book of 
Lists #2 (Morrow), by Irving Wallace, 
David Wallechinsky, Amy Wallace and 
Sylvia Wallace, makes a perfect gift for 
someone who knows everything—or 
wants to. 

In this special year, when so much 
tribute has been paid to photographer 
Ansel Adams, we suggest you could do 
no better than Yosemite and the Range of 
Light (New York Graphic Society). Adams 
took his first pictures of Yosemite at the 
age of 14, using a box Brownie. For the 
next 60 years, the Sierra Nevada domi- 
ated his work, and Adams himself la- 
bored ovcr the production of this book. 

We'll end our holiday notes as we 
began, with ourself, We're delighted to 
do it, because artist LeRoy Neiman has 
been such a special part of our 26 years 
p. Horses (Abrams) is quite 


s been sketching and paint 
ing the world of stables, paddock, turf, 
track, show ring and hunt. While the 
$85 price tag isn't hay, the book is a 
sure bet. Holiday cheer to you! 


TWO WAYS SKIERS 


MAKE TRACKS WITH VOLVO. 


For skiers who own Volvos, getting to the slopes 
is half the fun. Because they don’t dread winding, 
mountain roads. They look forward to them. 

With Volvos’ precise rack and pinion steering and 
sophisticated suspension skiers can do some expert 
maneuvering before they put their boots on. And the 
responsive, overhead cam, fuel-injected engine helps 
them make molehills out of mountains. 

Of course once out on the trails, the smart skier 
continues to think Volvo. Dynamic skis and Koflach 
boots are both quality products from Volvo. Which 


means they're designed to handle the slopes as per- 
fectly as a Volvo handles the road. 

So its no wonder that Dynamics V R17 is the 
most successful racing ski in the world (4 World Cups). 
Or that Koflach boots are worn by Olympic class 
skiers. 

Whether you're a professional or a beginner, vou 
can choose from the complete line of Dynamic skis 
and Koflach boots at dealers everywhere. 

So make sure you're in Volvo equipment the next 
time you head for the hills. Or down them. VOLVO 


51 


PLAYBOY 


52 


Insert wth tes sde up Ф Do not touch the tape inside 


FOTOMAT DRIVE-THRUMOVIES- 


Or, to put it another way, Fotomat introduces the 
mostexciting and entertaining use yet for your 
home videocassette player. 


Movies for rent. From $7.95. 


Fotomat Drive-Thru Movies are full-length feature 
films on videocassettes that you tent, pick up at 
your convenient Fotomat Drive-Thru Store and 
enjoy athomeon your own videocassette player. 

Theyre available for both VHS and Beta 
machines (except Beta players with one-hour only 
capability). And they are, in the best Fotomat 
tradition, very affordable. Just $7.95 to $13.95 for 
five days— probably less than you'd pay for one 
evenings theater admission, babysitter, parking 
and the like. Or you can purchase a film for as little 
as $39.95. 

What you get for these prices is just what youd 
expect from Fotomat. Quality. Nothing less than 
first-rate films, unedited and uninterrupted. 
eror 


mat Соер All righi rere 


And, in most cases, transferred from the origi- 
nal, first-generation film prints for true sound and 
picture fidelity. 

Тһе latest. And the greatest. 


You can choose from recent releases like Saturday 
Night Fever and Looking For Мт. Goodbar ог 
timeless classics like Shaneand Sunset Boulevard 
or family fare like Race For Your Life, Charlie 
Brown and Charlottes Web. Plus a variety of plays. 
Concerts, sports and instructional cassettes. Over 
130 titles in all. 

On top ofall that, you can order with justone 
phone call. You can pay with Visa, Master Charge, 
or. if you prefer, cash. And you can usually pick up 
your order the very next day at your Fotomat Store 


Special $6.95 introductory offer. 
If you think the prices and titles you just read 
about are great, get this: Through January 31, 
1980, you can rent your first Drive-Thru 
Movie, any title you want, for just $6.95. 


There's more. 


After everything weve told you, you're bound to 
want to know more. If so, there are two things 
you can do. 

One, stop by your nearest participating Foto- 
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Driv е-. -Thru Moti ле Guide It has more detailed 


ntroduces 
u Movies. 


Drive-Thru 
Movie Guide. 


Current listings of feature film videocassettes for rent or sale. 


information, a complete list of titles 
and instructions for ordering, 

Or call our toll-free number, 800- 
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andask the Fotomat Representative 
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Once you've seen what weve 
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the first on your block to buy a video- 
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АЛ 
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he late Jack Kerouac and his friend 

Neal Cassady were in love with the 
same woman. Although Cassady got the 
girl, Kerouac got published. His second 
novel, On the Road, was more or less a 
book about Cassady—a free-spirited lover 
of wine, women and dope who set the 
tone for the Beat Generation of the Fif- 
ties. Eventually, Kerouac also got Carolyn 
Cassady—sharing her with Neal from 
time to time once she'd settled down 
with his restive chum to have babies and 
run up bills in a dismal California tract 
house. After both men were dead, 
Carolyn wrote a book, which has now 
begot a fascinating movie called Heart 
Beat. Writer-director John Byrum (whose 
first solo feature was Inserts) has man- 
aged to make Heart Beat a richly at- 
mospheric mood piece about fame, 
friendship and a vanished era. 

In а film that could be blown away 
instantly by wrong casting, Nick Nolte— 
his stock rising fast since North Dallas 
Forty—buys some career insurance with 
an earthy, perceptive and forceful per- 
formance as Cassady. Whether he is on 
the road with a piece of eager jail. 
bait (Ann Dusenberry) or straining the 
seams of his ticky tacky house because he 
wants to bust out and visit Mexico, Nolte 
is the movie's primary source of energy. 
As Carolyn, the Bennington girl who is 
never the same again after she encoun- 
ters two Beatniks in San Francisco, Sissy 
Spacek is spicy and spunky—a sort of 
sensible city cousin to the kind of girl 
she played years ago іп ‘Terrence 
Malick's memorable Badlands. The dif- 
ference is that this groupie wants her 
own nest and won't be budged from it 
by her meandering men. John Heard, as 
Kerouac, has the stickiest role; he colors 
his portrait of the artist likable, as if to 
minimize hints in the script that he is a 
sullen, envious exploiter of his best bud- 
dy and a man who cannot cope with 
success. "I don't think we did anything 
wrong, we just did it first,” muses Car- 
olyn in a rueful backward glance at the 
bad old golden days that Heart Beat 
captures with true grit and a certain 
seedy grandeur. 


. 

Still another love triangle gives shape 
and substance to director Alan J. 
Pakula's Starting Over. Burt Reynolds 
plays the rejected husband torn between 
Candice Bergen (as his eccentric wife) 
and Jill Clayburgh (his equally eccentric 
new roommate) in a sparkling romantic 
comedy that often resembles An Unmar- 
ried Woman with the sex roles reversed. 
This is a fine, smart switch for Reynolds, 
looking feisty but far more vulnerable 
than usual as he reels from his broken 
marriage into a divorced men's work- 
shop. Reynolds obviously enjoys women, 


Heard, Spacek, Nolte. 


Love trios: ambivalent 
cinematic affairs of the 
heart, mind and flesh. 


Reynolds, Bergen Starting Over. 


Derek, Moore score 10. 


which must be one reason for his success 
as the incumbent boxoffice king. Start- 
ing Over, adapted from Dan Wakefield's 


novel by fledgling screenwriter (and TV 
veteran) James L. Brooks, hits some un- 
even patches but has a generous quota 
of wit, warmth and wackiness to bolster 
Burt while he tries to decide which lady 
he likes better. The choice isn't easy. 
Playing a daffy liberated achiever who 
composes hit tunes and insists on singing 
them aloud, Candy Bergen establishes 
her title as the least promising vocalist of 
our time—and becomes a first-rate come- 
dienne in the process. When she sud- 
denly starts to bawl a ditty titled Better 
than Ever (Marvin Hamlisch and Carole 
Bayer Sager actually supplied the words 
and music) in order to woo her husband 
back, she is excruciatingly funny. Clay- 
burgh. as а Boston teacher who helps 
Reynolds learn more about himself, 
plays a confirmed contemporary flake 
from the Annie Hall school of quirks 
and crotchets. She's cute if you like that 
style, probably as abrasive as squeaky 
chalk for nonbelievers. I'm beginning to 
admire her a lot, after ial resistance 
"Talent wins again. I will also join fan 
clubs honoring Frances Sternhagen, 
Charles Durning and Austin Pendleton, 
whose performances help disguise the fact 
that director Pakula is probably more 
comfortable with subjects like Klute and 
All the President's Men than with mad- 
cap sophisticated comedy. Flaws and all, 
the movie takes you where it wants you 
to go. 


. 

Perhaps some of you were shooting 
grouse in Scotland when 10 came out a 
while ago, and missed it. ГА still like to 
have the last word about Blake Edwards’ 
rueful and often uproarious romantic 
comedy, with Dudley Moore at his [un- 
niest as a Broadway-Hollywood com poser 
who is 42, feeling his age and wishing he 
were invited to the orgies on a neighbor- 
ing Beverly Hill. Julie Andrews plays 
the tunesmith's neglected steady lady, 
though dazzling Bo Derek has the break- 
through role as the girl who fulfills a 
young middle-aged man's wildest erotic 
fantasies, up to a point. Bo's an 11 оп 
his digital scale and a major discovery 
by any civilized standard (watch this 
magazine for more of Bo. shot by her 
actor /photographer husband, John). Ed- 
wards has come up with a sure-hit for- 
mula: Derek plus Moore equals beauty 
and the best. 


. 

"The key question about Bernardo Ber- 
tolucci’s latest English-language movie 
is: What makes Lune tick? Are the charac- 
ters crazy or are their motivations sim- 
ply muddled? Or does the director of 
Last Tango in Paris now feel obliged to 
butter up an audience with new sub- 
jects for controversy? By the time you 
read this, word of mouth surely 


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PLAYBOY 


56 


have spread the news about Luna, in 
which Jill Clayburgh, playing an Ame 
can opera мағ in Italy, comforts her 
drug-addicted teenaged son with а hand 
job as a prelude to further incestuous 
games. How and why she decides that 
soul kisses and giving Momma head 
might wean the boy away from hard 
drugs is an unsolved mystery, which 
makes the woman seem outright mad— 
does a concerned parent equate mother 
fucking with methadone? We won't 
dwell on the details, except that the sex- 
ual chemistry between Clayburgh and 
the boy actor (newcomer Matthew Barry, 
doing as well as the writing allows) is 
pretty bland. Incest or no incest, and no 
matter what word of mouth conveys, 
Luna is a rather empty, unexciting 
movie—essentially а soap opera with 
overtones of grand opera, too much of it 
composed in the key of gee whiz. 

Of course, Bertolucci’s great. cinema- 
iographer Vittorio Storaro (fresh from 
performing his wizardry for Francis Cop- 
pola on Apocalypse Now) makes it all 
look splendid, from the sappy, overdone 
moon symbolism and mother-son grop- 
ing to lushly staged scenes from Verdi. 
She's an excellent actress, but if you can 
accept Clayburgh as a top American 
opera singer in the Callas tradition, your 
imagination is more elastic than mine. 
Swallow that and you may have no 
trouble with the rest of this contrived 
tale of a boy who experiments with ho- 
mosexual flirtations, gets hooked оп 
heroin and momism because he desper- 
ately needs a father—then learns that 
his real dad is not his mother's late la- 
mented husband but a long-lost Italian 
amante (Tomas Milian) who is sud- 
denly shoehorned into the plot. That's 
Luna's cue for a big reunion scene and 
а fortissimo climax that made me cringe 
а bit because Bertolucci couldn't quite 
pull off the bravura effects he was at- 
tempting. For incest managed with style 
and worldly wisdom, Louis Malle's bril- 
liant 1971 Murmur of the Heart remains 
the definitive screen statement on sexual 
confrontations between mother and son. 

D 

Writer-director William Richert's The 
American Success Company is a lot like his 
last movie, Winter Kills—a_hit-or-miss 
affair but full of unexpected turns and 
happy surprises. Richert may turn out to 
be one of those mavericks whose flops or 
halfway hits are more exciting to watch 
than other men's tidy commercial suc- 
cesses. I'm on his side. Although Amer- 
ican Success Company has all the 
earmarks of a caper comedy (Richert 
stubbornly insists it's а "fairy tale"), the 
rather complex crime soon becomes sec- 
ondary to the kinks of the characters 
caught up in it. Again, as in Winter 
Kills, Richert’s stars are Jeff Bridges, an 
actor who's not afraid to take chances, 
and beautiful ex-model Belinda Bauer— 


he as a young businessman who's a born 
loser, she as his petulant peabrained 
wile, who is also the daughter of his boss 
(Ned Beatty), head of a Munich-based 
conglomerate called Amsucco. The plot 
concern's Jell's scheme to shed his blah 
image and take his company for a bun- 
dle, first by assuming a double identity — 
he affects а cane with flashy clothes and 
talks like a gangster. He also signs up for 


Bridges, Bauer in Success. 


Madam Jagger 
makes a promising—and sexy— 
film debut in Success. 


lessons in lust with a worldly hooker. 
Bianca Jagger, of all people, plays the 
jaded lady who teaches him what she 
knows, and it's pleasant to report that 
Mick's celebrated ex-wife registers оп 
the screen as something more than a 
clotheshorse racing off to Studio 54. 
Helped by а husky voice with Bacallish 
undertones, La Jagger looks assured, sexy 
and decidedly promising. Good vibes, 
too, for the scrumptious Miss Bauer, who 
sashays through much of the movie in a 
ballerina’s “fairy dress,” cooing at herself 
in mirrors and acting overprivileged to 
the point of idiocy. Everyone here, no 
matter how crazy, is either amusing or 
attractive, or both. They could be join- 
ing Richert in a subversive plot to bring 
back screwball comedy, more screw-loose 
than ever. 


• 

The view from here is that Nosferatu 
the Vampyre is a no-no. Maybe the time 
hus come to give a rest to Count Dra- 
cula, poor Lucy, Jonathan Harker, Dr. 
Van Helsing, the bats and the dingbats 
of all media who see no end to the 
trendy, bloody classic by Bram Stoker. 
Fm bloody sick of the whole shtick. 
Germany's semilegendary Klaus Kinski 


plays Dracula this time around, in gho 
ish Night of the Living Dead make-up, 


English- 
subtitled version of the story writien, 
produced and directed by Germany's 
Werner Herzog. (A completed English- 
guage version was reportedly shelved, 
and that spelling of vampyre in the title 
ought to clue you that this is an art film, 
folks) Although Herzog is widely 
ognized as one of the masters of the 
new German cinema, his Nosferatu is 
unintentionally laughable when it's not 
just clumsy, studied and dull. For exam- 
ple, alter Van Helsing drives the stake 
through Dracula's heart, someone sug- 
gests sending for the police to arrest him. 
No police. "They're all dead," declares 
one wizened bystander. Because the town. 
is plagueridden. All the jailers аге dead, 
too. If this be German humor, lets go 
back to Polish jokes. Stunning low-key 
color photography is the film's main. 
tue, part of Herzog's declared intention 
10 make an unabashedly old-fashioned 
film in tribute to Е. W. Murnau’s Nos- 
feratu, the 1922 silent classic. But there's 
no virtue in revamping the silent cra's 
golden classics with a sound track so 
artificial that the actors at times seem to 
be piped in from an adjoining studio. 
Write this soporific shocker off to cloud- 
ed judgment or bad blood. 


FILM CLIPS. 


Something Short of Paradise: Something 
short is right. Handicapped by аШ- 
thumbs direction and a doggedly pedes- 
trian script, this rather murky romantic 
comedy lucked out in its casting. Susan 
Sarandon and comedian David Steinberg 
are exceptionally winning performers 
who often seem to be improvising their 
scenes together, to create something spe- 
cial out of next to nothingness. She's a 
New York magazine journalist, he's pub- 
man for a theater showing arty 
foreign movies, and Jean-Pierre Aumont 
performs an effective parody of himself 
as a visiting French star. Marilyn Sokol 
is pretty good, too, as Susan's loud- 
mouthed confidante. Cinematographer 
Walter Lassally, who worked on Tom 
Jones, also shot Paradise. In sum, plenty 
of fine talent pitted against hellish odds. 

Mr. Mike's Mondo Video: Presumably a 
controversial МВС-ТУ reject, too hot 
for the home sereen, producer Michael 
O'Donoghue's slapdash movie special is 
advertised with exuberant plugs from 
such Salurday Night Live chums as 
Chevy Chase ("Simply too funny for tele 
vi and Marvin Kitman (“The best 
comedy show of the century!"). Actually, 
O'Donoghue's printed production notes 
and publicity blurbs are far funnier than 
his film, which has a throng of big names 
but roughly half as many laughs as 
Monty Python on a very off night. 

— REVIEWS BY BRUCE WILLIAMSON 


1 Lee Ann Michel 

2 Debra Jo Fondren, 
3 Patti McGuire 

4 laret Quist 

5 Missy Cleveland 
6 Rosanne Katon 


7 Dorothy Mays 
8Janis Schmitt 
9 Kathryn Mor 
10 Dorothy Stratten | 
11 Candy Loving 
12 Monique St. Pierre, 


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pot cossi: Bidding goodbye to her 
1 Laugh-In featherbrain image once and 
for all, actress Goldie Hawn will not only 
star in but also act as executive producer 
of Pvt. Benjamin for Warner Bros. Arthur 
Hiller will direct the film, described as a 
arm, contemporary comedy about a 
woman who enlists in the Army, It'll be 
Hawn's debut as a producer. ... What 
h Mac Davis getting all those swell 
reviews for his acting in North Dallas 
Forty, the scripts have just been pouring 
іп. Mac has decided on one already— 
Cheaper to Keep Her, a comedy-drama 
in which he'll star as a private еу 
Paul Michael Glaser gets his first major fil 
role in Phobia, to be directed by John 
Huston. (Technically, it's not his debut— 
Glaser had a small part in Fiddler on 
Roof years ago. Add that to your trivia 
collection.) . . . James Kirkwood, author of 
A Chorus Line, has a new book in the 
works. Titled Hit Me with a Rainbow, 
it's a love story concerning an editor and 
а movie actress. | . . Antiwar activist 
David Herris has a novel, South of the 


Davis Hawn 
Border, coming out in May. It's a sus- 
pense yarn about smuggling dope from 
Mexico. - . . Author Darryl (The Last 
Detail) Poniesan has written a book about 
the trauma of divorce and the joys of 
new romance from the man’s point of 
view. His title? An Unmarried Man, 
of course. Two items regarding the 
enormously successful foreign film La 
Cage aux Folles, which has already be- 
come the most successful foreign 
guage flick ever released in the U. 
Number one, producer Allan Corr wants 
to do an American stage version of the 
film and, number two, its French creators 
are thinking seriously of making a sequel. 
. 

THE “ANIMAL HOUSE" syNDROME: Holly- 
wood being the band-wagon tow 
lot of producers in this fair ci 
cash in оп the phenome: 
films like Animal House and Meatballs. 
As a result, there are—by my count— 
about ten films in the works that fit into 
this new genre. Aside from Caddyshack 
(the wild and wacky guys and gals at a 
country club), there's The Brave Young 
Men of Weinberg. to be directed by Rob- 
ert Downey, about the wild and wacky 


58 guys and gals at a military academy. And 


plenty more are in the works—one at an 
old-age home, one at a resort hotel, one 
at a sorority, etc. For those producers 
who may have missed the band wagon 
and are madly searching for "original" 


Meatballs 


Animal House ideas, let me offer the fol- 
lowing: Aryan House—the wild and 
wacky guys and gals at a Hitler Youth 
camp: The Meatball Syndrome—the 
wild and wacky guys and gals at a 
nuclear power plant; Animal House of 
Representatives—the W&W.G.&Gs in 
Congress. There's more brilliance from 
where that came from, fellas; so if you 
need more, just call. 
. 

POLITICAL science: The box-office success 
of The Seduction of Joe Tynan may 
pave the way for more political films in 
the future. One presently in the works 
is A.LP.'s Nothing Personal, starring 
Donald Sutherland and Suzanne Somers. (Suth- 
erland, I understand, is going to great 
pains to jazz up his image; in [act, in the 
middle of filming, he announced he had 
signed a new manager—star maker Jay 
Bernstein.) Filmed in ‘Toronto and Wash- 
ngton, D.C., Nothing Personal features 


Sutherland as a stuffy law prof who's 
goaded by his students into going to 
Washington to protest the construction 
of an air base on the breeding grounds 


Samers and Sutherland 


endangered species of seal. Suzanne 
plays a relatively inexperienced but ter- 


scenes." Which may explain why Su- 
zanne's husband, Alan Hamel, was never 
too far away. 


. 
WILL SUPERMAN score? Those of us who 
are expecting the inevitable sexual en- 


counter between Lois Lane and Super- 
man in Superman II are, I'm sorry to 
report, going to be disappointed. My 
spies tell me that a rather racy love scene 
was filmed, but the producers have de- 
cided to go for a soft rating so they can 
pick up the voluminous kiddie trade. As 
a result, the racy stuff is going to enter- 
tain only the dust on the cutting-room 
floor. 
. 

CHANGE ОР РАСЕ: In the film 1941, set to 
open this month, actor Treat (Hair) Wil- 
liams plays a time bomb of a character 
who does “lots of fighting, beating up 
cars, garages and people" He's even 
mastered gym techniques for a ballroom- 
brawl scene—a [ar cry from the peace- 
loving Berger he played in Hair. Does he 
have misgivings about the image change? 
"People expect me to be all smiles,” 


Williams. 


says Williams. "I don't think my charac- 
ter is cruel, it's just that his temper tends 
to flare up. It's hard to be that mean and 
not think, God, I'm going to be hated.” 

. 


Km swm: Actor-producer Tony Bill, 
whose recent production credits are 
Boulevard Nights and Going in Style, is 
now taking a shot at directing My Body- 
guard for Melvin Simon Productions. 
Says Bill: “It’s about a kid who gets 
victimized by other kids, so he hires this 
tough-looking kid to protect him. The 
bodyguard looks like the kind of kid 
who'd kill his own brother, but it turns 
out he's all bluff and not much of a fight- 
er at all" Note: With Bodyguard, Bill 
continues to buy scripts from aspiring 
writers. This one was penned by a stu- 
dent in his screenwriting class. 

. 

Mad magazine has gone Hollywood. 
After eight years of trying, Warner Bros. 
has finally secured the rights to a Mad 
movie and is currently having a script 
developed by screenwriter Rudy Deluca, 
onc of Mel Brooks's collaborators. At this 
g director and casting have not 
been set, but I understand Alfred E. Neu- 
man will be one of the protagonists; if 
у Neuman (Alfred, not Paul) 
kes out there, don't call me, call 
Warner Bros. —JOHN BLUMENTHAL 


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THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 


[How's this for a dating dilemma? One 
of the girls who work in my building is 
a real knockout. I've asked her out for 
dates а couple of times but to no avail. 
She is taking night courses in accounting, 
so dinner dates are out. I also get the 
sense that she doesn't like the pressure 
of a weekend date—the notion that 
the sheets get turned down when the sun 
goes down. She seems to like me, but I 
just can't find a way to fit into her 
schedule. Any hints?—A. A., New York, 
New York. 

We have found that the early-to-rise, 
early-to-bed system works. А 7:30-.м. 
session of racquetball or a jog around 
the park (followed by a shower) is a 
simple low-pressure way of getting to 
know someone. If you want something 
less athletic, try a breakfast date at one 
of the swankier hotels in your city. (No, 
we are not suggesting a morning-after 
room-service rendezvous—that comes 
later.) A breakfast can be just as elegant 
as a candlelight dinner and, in most 
cases, a hell of a lot less expensive. The 
atmosphere is unhurried—it is less 
noticeable if you go in late for work 
than if you take a long lunch. You can 
become better acquainted and eventual- 
ly break into prime time. 


ММ... in France last summer, 1 ob- 
served that no matter where 1 ordered 
wine, the ritual of presenting it to the 
customer at a meal was not observed. 
The wine was simply poured into one's 
glass without ceremony, after it was 
Opened and the cork tested. The cork 
was not presented, either. Can you com- 
ment on why it is done that way there, 
and why we go through such rituals here 
in the States when ordering wine with a 
meal? Frankly, I have been served only 
one bad bottle of wine in over 20 years. 
Isn't our routine somewhat unnecessary? 
Should the bottle be bad, it can be re- 
placed upon tasting—C. B, Asheville, 
North Carolina. 

The French begin life drinking moth- 
ers milk—and wine. Because of that, 
they tend to hae а casual attitude about 
opening a bottle and drinking it. They 
are also more confident and knowledge- 
able. A good French sommelier doesn't 
have 10 let you taste the wine—he can 
tell from the condition of the cork 
whether or not the bottle is spoiled. 
Most Americans drink wine only on spe- 
cial occasions and the ceremony adds to 
the festivities. Since we've already start- 
ed to accept house wines by the carafe 
and the glass, perhaps it's only a matter 
of time before we graduate from the 
pomp and circumstance of the uncork- 
ing to something less distracting. Indeed, 


we usually ask the waiter to dispense 
with ballet and just bring the boitlc out, 
hanging from а stand, ready for intra- 
venous feeding. 


ММ, wite of ten years has just discov- 
ered the joys of masturbation. I find it a 
terrific erotic high watching her get her- 
self off, and her discovery has greatly 
improved our sex life. One evening, 
while discussing this mauer, it occurred 
to us that we could not think of a single 
euphemism or slang expression common- 
ly used to refer to female masturbation. 
Male masturbation, of course, is well 
represented in this area: There is the 
ubiquitous jacking off and its variants 
(jerking off, jerkin' the gherkin, tickling 
the pickle, etc.), several S/M-like varia- 
tions (pounding the pud, beating the 
meat) and a favorite from my college 
days, falling in love with Mother Thumb 
and her four daughters. There must be 
several dozen others. But what about fe- 
male masturbation? 15 there a slang 
phrase in common currency? Is the ab- 
sence of such a phrase a sign of the sex- 
ual repression of women by the larger 
society2—J. W., Amherst, Massachusetts. 
You've hit the nail on the head. We 
conducted an informal poll of the ladies 
in our life and couldn't come up with 
an accepted slang term for female mas- 
turbation. Some nice tries—diddling, the 
old five-finger discount, getting off—were 
obviously borrowed from the masculine. 
What are you going to do—sue them for 
copyright infringement? Women only re- 
cently discovered masturbation. Some of 
them even go to seminars to learn the 
basics (clear evidence of a difference in 


intelligence between the sexes). If they 
talk about it at all, they tend to use the 
simple term: masturbation. Give them 
time and they'll invent euphemisms. 
Then again, as masturbation becomes ac- 
ceptable (and guilt-free), it won't be nec- 
essary to use slang. 


Ё have heard that suspending speakers 
from the ceiling will improve their 
sound. As I undetstand it, vibration 
from the floor affects the speakers sitting. 
either on the floor or on a stand. Would 
you explain?—C. E., Denver. Colorado. 

Placing speaker systems directly on 
the floor tends to enhance their bass 
response, since the floor acts as a large 
reflecting surface. That is especially true 
of so-called bookshelf speakers. Placing 
such units off the floor (on a shelf, a 
bench, a pedestal, etc.) may reduce the 
total volume of bass, but it usually helps 
smooth the sound. Also, when a speaker 
is sitting on the floor, there is more 
chance of the sound's being transferred 
to the room below. Again, raising it off 
the floor, or at least cushioning it on a 
thick carpet or foam pad, will reduce 
that possibility. There is по particular 
advantage in suspending speakers from 
the ceiling. From the standpoint of 
acoustic performance, the ceiling—like 
the floor—is another large reflecting sur- 
face, and so, again, the closer to the 
ceiling, the stronger the bass. Tenants 
are still a problem—one man's ceiling 
is another man’s floor. Suspended speak- 
ers, however, may be a good idea in 
some installations as a way of avoiding 
or reducing mechanical feedback from 
them to the record player, since the 
“acoustic path” between them may be 
significantly lengthened. Suspended 
from the ceiling, speakers obviously do 
not pre-empt valuable floor space; and 
with some units, the middles and the 
highs may be more adequately dispersed. 
Some advice from the speakers manufac- 
turer should help in this area. If you do 
hang them from the ceiling, use suffi- 
ciently strong holding means (lamp 
chains are a good idea). You've heard of 
the Subwoofer of Damocles? 


This may sound like a stupid question, 
but how do you keep your jaw from 
aching when you give fellatio and try to 
keep your teeth out of the way? I like to 
make the pleasure last for my husband, 
but my jaw muscles get so tired that 
sometimes I just try to get him off fast 
to ease the fatigue in my mouth.—Mrs. 
С.К., Montpelier, Ohio. 

No, your question isn't stupid at all. 
Many women experience similar discom- 
fort in prolonged fellatio. The only 


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solution we can suggest is to take й slow. 
Alternate: fellatio with licking, hissing 
and gentle biting. If you sometimes get 
too tired to take it slow, then take it fast. 
We're sure your husband won't mind. 


Since 1 use my 


ат for business, the 
to me, 


price of gasoline is import 
I've been thinking of trying a 


alcohol mix. Can I mix the solution my- 
self? Will it hurt. my са? How will it 
affect the gasoline’s ос 
R. T., Springfield, Illinois. 

As long as both the alcohol and the 
gasoline go into the tank, you should 
have no problem. Ethyl alcohol from 
gmin is the stuff to use and you should 
keep it to about ten percent. More than 
that and yow ll risk deterioration of some 
seals, hoses and plated surfaces, Gasohol 
tends to lean out your fuelair mixture, 
хо you can expect slightly less perform- 
ance from your machine; but the octane 
level goes up slightly, so knock will not 
be a problem. In fact, if you've got an 
older cav, the higher octane may help 
i run better, 


fm 22 years old and I think I've been 
happily married now-for one year. 1 Jove 
my 96-year-old husband and T know th: 
he loves me very much. It's just that he 
won't leave me alone for a minute. I 
not get dressed 
his coming up behind me а 
S me, then vely hissing me. 
so compulsively strong and vig. 
that its impossible to say no 
dn’t take that for an an- 
ашке during the two 
new him before we were mar. 
d from lovemaking and 
ау il the very day 1 was 
wed? The problem is I can never get 
ywhere on time. Wherever we go. 
we're late. ] swear it. Whenever we are 
invited over то a friend's house 
we are driving, he'll pull over and make 
intense, mate love to me in the 
Sometimes he'll pull over and we'll 
10 a hotel for a couple of hours 
We're lite to movies, мете late 10 social 


са 


не 
orous 
besides, he w 


swer. Could 
years 1 
ed, 1 


a and Pm 
embarrassed. Fve always been a prompt 
person, but my habits are rapidly chang- 
ing. What should I do?—Mrs. T. A. L, 
Los Angeles, Cali 

Start gelting ready to leave the house 
sooner. 


WM сезет 1 try to take flash pictures 
of a girl, they come out with an annoy- 
ng red gleam in her eyes. What causes 
that and can I preve —В. C., New 
Orleans, Louis 

Maybe she's pregnant. Ahem. Red eye 
is a common problem in artificial- 
photography. Light is reflected by the 


choroid layer of the retina, which is 
very rich in blood—hence, the ved eyes. 
The simplest technique involves chang- 
ing the angle of the light, so that it won't 
be reflected back at the camera. If your 
flash unit or strobe detaches from your 
camera, hold it off to one side. If you 
bounce the light off the ceiling or shoot 
Jrom above the level of her eyes, the ved 
should disappear. Another solutio 
You can prevent тей eye by raising the 
level of the room lights от by having 
your subject stare at a bright light for a 
Jew moments before snapping the shut- 
ter (thal will cause her pupils 10 con- 
tract). Finally, you can have her look 
away [rom the camera. Eye contact is 
great in singles bars, but il is not а ne- 
cessiby in the studio. Our guess, it's not 
her eyes you're interested in. 


WV tape records at home for play іп my 
auto саеце deck. I intend to buy a new 
home deck that accepts the new metal- 
parücle tapes. Will 1 have to buy a new 
deck for my car?—5. T., Chicago. Illinois. 
Probably not. The problem with metal 
lapes, mostly one of abrasion. shows up 
only in the record made. Playback sys- 
lems such as auto cassette. decks should 
accept the new tape unless they are very 
cheap systems. Check your manual; if you 
have mumetal or laminated heads on 
your deck. you have a problem. If they 
ате permalloy, ferrite or sendust, slip 
in a cassette and eate on down the road. 


T he other 


enjoy 


ririend and I 
пег ait our local 


нім, my g 
d a delicious di 


athe nese restaurant and mood 
setter. / в. we found ourselves 
a convers about the garb of the 
dics serving us. My Iadylriend ques 


meaning of the elabore Пар 
the back of the kimono; I observed 
that was probably symbolic of the 
pleasure, of the 
a momei 

le patron's whim, whicheve 
fist, do you see? She lound that 
unacceptable. What is the significance of 
the pillow at the back of the kimonoz— 
Calitor 
We hale to spoil your fantasy, but the 
“pillow” is essentially decorative. The 
sash may also serve as a purse the girl 
uses 10 keep everything she needs hand 
without gelling in the way of her service. 
Nice by. 


Please, if posible, draw from your 
knowledge and experience and tell us the 
ипе facts about v husband 
‚ин we 


even penetrate me. We used a lot of 
petroleum jelly, but I think the fact that 


T eed to do this 


(alter years of coaxing on his part) led 
him to пу to enter me “headlong. 
i. to me, à physical impos 
with the averagesized ре 
Tuscd 10 attempt. 
Fm curious. Are there any specific ir 
structions we should follow? Would a 


of his penis? Will it hurt me if he thrusts 
or when he starts to withdraw? Will it 
hart if he comes in me? How long shor 
we fuck that way per session? Will Ire- 
quent anal fucking be lı What аге 
the ill effects? Will 1 have 2 
Mrs, M. B., Trenton, New Jersey. 

You sure ask a lot of questions for 
someone from New Jersey. Bul we like 
your spirit. H doesn't take a lot of hind- 
sight to figure out why your first attempt 
failed. According to Masters and John- 
son, some pain is inevitable, but with 
experience, the pain diminishes—to be 
replaced by pleasure. Whal happens is 
this: When rectal intercourse is attempt 
ed. the anal sphincter contracts in an in- 
voluntary protective reaction. If you're 
new lo the game, the spasm can last a 
minule or longer. If you enjoy anal 
sex regularly, the spasm сап be short- 
lived, with involuntary relaxation of the 
muscle occurring. within 15 10 30 sec- 
onds. Once relaxation occurs, the penis 
can be accommodated with relative ease, 
and full penetration can be accomplished 
without incident. Masters also notes that 
after penetration, and with the onset of 
a maintained thrusting pattern, the 
sphincter usually reverses ils relaxation 
reaction and constricts tightly around. 
the penile shaft. (You can tell when that 
happens—your partner will be screaming 
in ecstasy, pulling his hair out and mak 
ing other subtle endearing comments— 
if you сап henr any of that over your own 
erotic sound tack.) As to your other 
questions: A lubricant will facilitate 
penetration. Your partner should refrain 
from entry until the sphincter has те 
іпхей (via manual stimulation al first). 
1 condom is recommended—il can pre- 
vent bacteria from entering the penis and 
infecting the wethra and the prostate. 
(Similarly, if you engage in any kind of 
anal sex, wash before returning to the 
vagina—the front and year. tenants ave 
not compatible.) If you follow those 
simple precautions, you should be in for 
а good time 


All reasonable questions—from fash- 
ion, food and drink, stereo und sports cars 
to dating dilemmas, taste and etiquelte— 
will be personally answered if the writer 
includes а slamped, self-addressed en- 
aelope. Send all letters to The Playboy 
Advisor, Playboy Building, 919 N. Michi- 
gan Avenue, Chicago, Mlinois 60611. The 
most provocative, pertinent queries will 
be presented on these pages cach month 


65 


ame looks. Моге guts. 


The speaker on the left is 
the best selling, most popular 
car stereo speaker ever. The 
Jensen Triaxial” 3-way speaker 
system. 

The speaker on the right 
is the one that’s replacing it. 
The new Jensen Series I Triax" 
The one with even higher effi- 
ciency. More power. More guts. 

Sure, they look alike. 
But the similarity ends ¥ 
there. 

Higher power 
handling. 

Believe it. The 
new 6" x 9" Series I 
Triax is rated at 50 
watts continuous 
average power, com- 
pared to 30 watts for the 
old Triaxial. Which 
means it'll take more 
power— more heat —and 
more abuse from high power 
car stereo units, without sac 
rificing musical accuracy at the 
expense of high volume levels. 

Why can it take more 
power? Because of its new, 
larger oven-cured one inch voice 
coil. It offers 66% greater 
power handling for superior 
durability. And because the 
special piezoelectric solid state 
tweeter is virtually indestruc 
lible, yet sensitive to every 
musical nuance. 


Тһе efficiency expert. 
Like all of the new Jensen 
Series I speakers, the Triax 15 
more efficient than ever, thanks 


to our special high compliance 
cones with Flexair" rim suspen- 
sion, 4 Ohm impedance and 
new, more efficient motor 
structures. Which translates to 
very high efficiency that lets 


Jensen Series I speakers play 
louder with less power for 
smoother, distortion-free music 
in your car. 


JENSEN 


The thrill of being there. 


4136 N. United Parkway 
k, Illinois 60176 


red one inch 
1 


More improvements. 

The Series I Triax fea- 
tures an improved, 20-ounce 
ceramic magnet structure for 
deep, well-defined bass. Also 
anew, rugged gasket for a tight 
acoustic seal. Black zinc 
chromate plating insures cor- 
rosion resistance. 

We also designed it to be 

easier to install than the old 
Triaxial with the stud- 
mounted grille. 
Some things don't 
change. 

There are some 
things we just couldn’t 
improve. Like the idea 

of an individual woofer, 
tweeter and mi 
balanced for 
sound reproduction. 
We also haven't 
changed our commitment 
to quality. And to back it up, 
we steadfastly support our full 
line of Jensen Series I speak- 
ers with an excellent one year 
limited warranty. 

"But they still look 

the same..." 

You say you still can't see 
any difference between the old 
Тпахігі on the left and the new 
Series I Triaxial on the right. 
Maybe not. But you sure will 
be able to hear the difference. 
And after all, that’s the guts of 
the matter. 


THE PLAYBOY FORUM 


acontinuing dialog on contemporary issues between playboy and its readers 


FOREIGN CUSTOMS 
This liule exposition opens at your 
basic Istanbul airport, where, after а 


7000-mile wek fraught with inconven- 
iences and hassles, I wade once more 
through customs en route to yet another 


ne connection. The climax of this 
litle drama takes place when my сору 
of rtaysoy is declared contraband by а 
sourpussed agent of bureaucratic ор- 
pression and is consigned to the nearest 
waste container. Seething but not want- 
ing any trouble from this officious jerk, 1 
say nothing. A few minutes later, while 
I'm still corralled in the customs area, 1 
notice that my Inspector Fart Face is 
suddenly tidying up his area, beginning 
with the trash basket, He glances around 
furtively and then stuffs my confiscated 
PLAYBOY into the front of his pants. 
When I move on, he has what looks 
like a terminal case of penis erectus, but 
also a smile оп his face. 
(Name withheld by request) 
T/Spt., U.S.A.F.E. 
Yamurtalik, Turkey 


NO SENSE OF HUMOR 

As a dedicated reader of The Playboy 
Forum and also an employee of the 
Internal Revenue Service, ГШ share with 
you this nugget I turned up while re- 
searching tix«ourt decisions handed 
down in 1979. In the case of one contrary 
t held that his Form 


citizen, the cou 


1040, as originally submitted, did not 
constitute а proper income-tax return 
nd, cover, “evidenced his inten- 


tional disrcgard of the rules and regula- 
tions." 
What that 


Form 
ent-—Go 
do not 


payer wrote on 
1040 was: fh Amend 
straight to hell; do not pass Go: 
collect $200.” 
(Name withheld by request) 
New York, New York 
We always suspected the IRS couldn't 
take a joke. 


MEDICAL COVER-UP 

T agree with Hunt in 
pravnoy’s July issue. As far as sex is 
concerned, most doctors ате hopelessly 
uptight 

I'm 30, and in m 


Morton 


dult life Түс been 
to fot e physicians. Only two of 
them had me take everything oll for 
complete. physicals, and both made me 
wear а gown. I found it very embarr 
ing t0 parade around the examining 
room in that skimpy, open-backed gar 
ment. It was even worse when I had to 


drop the top, raise the bottom or other- 
wise play peekaboo during the examina- 
n. At one point, I had the almost 
irresistible urge to strip off the gown 
and say, "No more games, doctor! Let's 
make this a lot easier for both of us.” 
But I didn't have the nerve. 

Recently, Т ran across am article in 
which a doctor described in detail the 


physical examination of a patient he 
described as “an attractive, 26-year-old 
mother of two.” He made a special 


“As far as sex 
is concerned, 
most doctors are 
hopelessly uptight.” 


point of the fact that the woman was 
nude throughout the examination. No 
gown and no sheet. He contended that 
it is essential for the physician to view 
the entire body, all at once, during a 
complete and thorough physical 

How ГА love to find a doctor like 
him. One doctor I visited was so uptight 
he even listened to my heart and lungs 
through my blouse. I realize some wom- 
en are just as uptight about their bodics 
as these doctors arc, but ГШ bet most 
women will agree with me. If there is 


nothing obscene about the human body, 
why do doctors feel they must peck at 
‚ little by little? When they do that, 
they make me feel obscene. Why don't 
they make gowns and sheets optional? 
They might be surprised at how many 
women would turn them down. 

аше withheld by request) 

Hartiord, Connecticut 


POPULATION CONTROL 

Opponents of abortion and birth con- 
trol should remember that in 1900, 52 
percent of our children died before the 
age of 14. That was God's w 
ling population growth. If birth con- 
trol and abortion are not to be allowed, 
then we should climinate all the medical 
advances of the past 80 years and let God 
have His way. 


Margaret Dormeyer 
San Francisco, California 
We have not consulted God or any 
historians, but our office philosophers 
think you have a strong argument. 


REFORMERS’ DILEMMA 

Does anybody remember the many 
years of fierce Congressional debate that 
Énally led to putting the Surgeon Gen- 
cral's warning on the side of every pack. 
of cigarettes and on every cigarette ad 
nd the banning of cigarette commer- 
Gals from television? It was like a gr 
tle between the forces of good and 
evil. The forces of good finally won, and 
what came of it? Zilch. 

I think there's a moral here that ap- 
plies to everything from porn to dope to 
civil rights. It may be possible to educate 
Americans, but you can't threaten. or 
intimidate them or tell them what they 
can and cannot do. Liquor prohibition 
should have taught us t 


James Simmons 
Chicago, Illinois 


РАЦМОМҮ REJECTED x 

I do not have to tell you the impact 
the Lee Marvin/Michelle Triola case 
had on our society. But before men 
milar positions despair, let me ad- 
ise them that each case is, or should be, 

ided om its own merits and justi 
may well prevail. 

My former livein companion of d 
and a half years sought $350,000 as 
compensation for "posing" as my wife 
during that period. At the bench tial, 
however, it was shown that no contract, 
written or oral, сусг existed between us 


67 


PLAYBOY 


68 


concerning earnings, property or profit. 
It was also shown that Га fulfilled our 
only written agreement—a $5000 settle- 
ment and title to a Mercedes-Benz in the 
event of our breakup. In the end, 1 won: 
the woman was awarded nothing. 

Vm sure your readers will be relieved 
to know that a man can fight and win 
such a suit and does not always have to 
settle out of court for [ear of what might 
happen in it. 


Melvyn Haber 
Palm Springs, Californi 
The Mlinois Supreme Court his. just 
ruled that the lower couris in that state 
may nol enforce promises made by un- 
married couples to share property they 
acquire while living together. The court 
decided that lo recognize such agree 
ments would ve-establish the doctrine of 
common-law marriage that was rejected 
in Hlinois in 1905, 


ANOTHER OFFICE BET 
Please settle an office bet. I say a flea 
has the largest. penis. іп proportion to 
s size, of any living creat My friend 
disagrees. Who's right? 
Joe Biolik 
Denver. Colorado 
According to our records, the last 
Time we settled that same office bet was 
іп 1970. in “The Playboy Advisor.” 
Unless some new creature has been dis 
covered since then. you're right. 


BACK TO VIETNAM 
How many ol you enjoy the music of 
Joan Baez? How many of you agree with 
her continuing activism on the issue of 
Vietnam? My hand is raised on both 
counts. [ can't agree with Jane Fonda 
nd the other activists from the Vietnam 
Woodstock era who have denounced 
Baez lor still trying to mike the Ameri- 
can public see that now that we've out 
of Vietnam. and now that Vietnam is 
safely and солйу and rather violently 
communistic, we shouldn't turn ош 
backs and say everything's all right 
Everything is not all right. 1 find it 

shocking that activists of ten or 15 years 
go now so easily accept the same kinds 
of ty 
they condemned under the old. regime, 
To say that Baer doesn't know when it's 
time to quit is sheer stupidity. It con. 
demns to more ol the same a people 
who've been through enough hell already 

Thorn Kimes 

Berea College 

Be аску 


nny and brutality, or worse, tha 


CURE FOR SEASICKNESS? 

1 don't know whether or not thi 
medical breakthrough, but I've М 
that what every seasick sailor needs is 
grass. And 1 dont mean under his 


s with the 
icane-force 


FORUM NEWSFRONT 


what's happening in the sexual and social arenas 


EQUAL FONDLING 

JACKSON—The Mississippi Supreme 
Court has voided the state's sex law 
against “fondling” because it “is clearly 
discriminatory and unconstitutionally 
denies equal protection of the law to 
males.” In reversing the conviction of a 
тап sentenced 10 eight years in prison 
under the 1921 statute, the couri said, 
“We are unable 10 conceive any sound 
ov rational basis for making the statute 


applicable to ‘male’ persons only, while 
wholly excluding ‘female’ persons who 
may do the same thing for the same 
tensons.” The legislature is expected to 
remedy the law's defect by making it 
apply equally to women. 


SELF-DEFENSE 

VANCOUVER, BRITISH COLU MBIA—À 1 
elderly inebriate made the mistake оГ 
exposing himself to a woman house 
painter who was touching up the ex- 
terior of a hotel in downtown Van- 
cower. “The only weapon 1 had was 
my paint roller." the woman later ex- 
plained, “so 1 painted him bright or- 
ange from the top of his bald head 
down to, well, you know where.” The 
man was later picked up by police, who 
said he was the only drunk in the 
neighborhood with a bright-orange rac- 
my stripe. 


WORKED OUT IN THE END 
SANTA MARIA, CALIEORNIAN—A_ jewelry- 
stove clerk alerted security guards when 
he discovered that a couple supposedly 
shopping for an engagement ring ap 
parently had switched a phony dia- 


mond ving for one worth $9600. Police 


were brought in and when a search 
didn't turn up the missing merchandise, 
they obtained a warrant to have the 
suspect's stomach X-rayed. The ring was 
located and recovered three days later, 
while the couple remained in jail, 
awaiting trial. 


SOCIALIST DISEASE 

Moscow—In an effort to combat the 
rise of venereal discase, Sovict officials 
in the USS.R.'s Russian republic have 
decreed a fine of 575 for anyone con- 
cealing the source of his infection. Oth 
er decrers establish the compulsory 
examination of any person suspected of 
having V.D. and compulsory treatment 


HAVE YOU SLUGGED YOUR KID TODAY? 

WASHINGTON, D.C. —Researchers say 
that childless couples have closer rela- 
tionships than those with children. ac- 
cording to the National Alliance for 
Optional Parenthood. After examining 
several other studies, the М.А.О.Р. has 
concluded that for those couples who 
do have children, marital satisfaction ix 
at ils peak bejore the children аке horn 
and after they have grown and left 
home. Al a press conference, a New 
York professor of psychiatry said part 
of a continuing problem is that people 
with children refuse to admit they 
made а mistake от are unhappy with 
Their. kids, and that their. frustration 
can lead to child abuse. 


CONSUMER PROTEST 

PORTLAND, ORECON—4 12-тетһет 
jury has awarded over $2,000,000. in 
damages to a 22-year-old woman who 
contended that the Church of Scientol- 
ogy defrauded her by failing to fulfill 
promises of improving her life. The 
plaintiff argued that her church experi- 
ences caused her emotional distress and 
that the courses she took did not help 
her with her college classwork, develop 
her creativity or raise her LQ. test 
scores, as she had been led lo belte: 
In reaching their verdict, the jurors 
decided the church's promises and rep- 
resentations of fact were not good-faith 
religious beliefs protected by state and 
Federal constitutions. 


MILLION-DOLLAR MISTAKE 
STERLING 11 TS, MICITIGAN—Narcot- 
ies officers are trying lo determine how 
а shipment of 600 carnations delivered 
to a local florist turned ont to include 
six pounds of cocaine. The owner of 


the flower shop called the cops after she 
discovered the powder and tasted it. 
She told a reporter, “My mouth went 
dead almost immediately. 1 couldn't 
feel my tongue, 1 couldn't. feel any- 
thing.” Police said the cocaine had a 
street value of 81,000,000. 


ATTACKING THE SUPERWEED 
sackamEnto—The California justice 
department has applied for Federal 
money to finance а major “strike force” 
effort against marijuana growers in the 
northern part of the state. The target 
of the proposed crackdown is a potent 
strain of pot called sinsemilla, which 
has a high THC content and sells for 
over 5100 an ounce, The state attorney 
general's plan calls for the coordination 


of law enforcement іп a four-county 
area and the we of special aerial-pho- 
tography techniques. 


NO, THANKS 

currox—Police in New Jersey are 
looking for the person who made an 
unusual donation —valued at 550/000- 
10 an American Rescue. Workers Inc. 
collection. bin. The men picking up 
donated clothing from the bin found 
neatly wrapped packages of marijuana 
totaling 63 pounds. 


THE WET LOOK 

BRUNSWICK, MAINE—A local bar and 
restaurant is under attack by state 
liquor authorities for staging а male 
version of a wel-T-shirt contest that it 
billed as а “wet Jockey shorts contest” 
The liquor bureau learned of the con- 
dest through а newspaper advertisement 
and filed a complaint charging that it 
violated slate regulations prohibiling 


“lewdness or improper, indecent or im- 
moral activities’ in establishments li- 
“4 to sell alcoholic beverages. The 
restaurant's woman piaprictor declined 


comment except 10 say, "We held it and 
there were no problems.” The local 
paper announced that й will no longer 
тип “any more wet anything ads.” 


EQUAL RIGHTS 
сіпслеоо-Яп administrati 
judge has ordered the reinstatement 
sligalor 


velaw 


with back pay of a woman i 
for the Hlinois Department of Revenue 
who was fired after she allegedly used 
foul language in the presence of her 
boss. The woman argued that most of 
her male colleagues also used “improp- 
cr" language occasionally, and the 
court agreed that it would be discrimi- 
matory to fire women but not men who 
swear on the job. 


WRONG NUMBER 

NASHVILLE—A persistent woman tele- 
phone caller has been charged with 
harassment for allegedly culling the 
office of an attorney some 6000 Limes 
over the past 17 years. According lo ihe 
lawyer, the woman was his client in a 
divorce action in 1962 and either never 
understood or was never satisfied wilh 
the settlement she received. 


TRUTH AND CONSEQUENCES 
cmeaco—Cook County sheriff's po- 
lice have raided a suspected brothel 
that attempted to screen its prospective 
customers by means of а Psychological 
Stress Evaluator, а type of lie detector. 
The Р.8.Е. didn't work too well: An 
undercover agent paid his $25 “testing 
fee.” answered no to questions asking 
if he was a cop or in any way con- 
necled with law enforcement and, three 
days later. was surprised 10 learn that 
he had passed the test and was now 
eligible to retain the services of female 
employers at S60 а visi. When the 
money was paid and the chosen hostess 
had taken off her clothes, other officers 

went in and began making arests. 


ACADEMIC PORN 

TALLANASSEF—The Florida Supreme 
Court has held that a trial judge erred 
last year in ordering the destruction of 
а copy of “Deep Throat” before the 
film was legally examined and declared 
obscene. The ruling came in the case of 
а University of West Florida professor 
who showed the movie to a mass-media 
class studying law and obscenity, after 
he had warned students of its content 
and advised them they did not have to 
view it. Criminal charges were instigat- 
ed by one student's father, a former 
state representative. The high court 
side-ste pped the issues of constitutional 
and academic freedom raised by the 
case, which was supported by the 
Playboy Foundation. 


PANTY RAIDER 
токуо-Ройісе have captured а con- 
struction worker accused of stealing 
some 500 pieces of women's underwear 
from clotheslines in Tokyo over а peri- 
od of three months. The 30-year-old 
man was arrested while riding a stolen 
hicyele, which led to the discavery of 
the clothing items in his packets, his 
dormitory room and a nearby vacant 
house. He was quoted as telling author- 
ities that he had set himself a goal of 


stealing ten pieces of women’s under- 
wear every day after work: “I did it out 
of curiosity at first, but 1 got hooked 
later.” 


MALPRACTICE TIMES TWO 

PITTsAURGH—A_ Pennsylvania supe- 
rior court has ruled that the parents of 
а handicapped girl who was сөпсейей 
despite a vasectomy and born despite. 
an abortion can sue. the doctors in- 
valved for medical malpractice but that 
the child cannot collect. damages for 
“wrongtul life." The court found no 
legal precedent establishing that a 
“child has a fundamental right to be 
born as a whole, functional human 
being. 


IMMACULATE CONCEPTIONS? 

SHOKANE, WASINNGION—The comp- 
troller fav the Roman Catholic diocese 
of Spokane said he nearly “fell off his 
chai" when he discovered that 66 
priests covered by a group medical poli- 
су must рау 50 cents а month extra for 
maternity benefils. The Reverend The- 
odotic DeJong added that it wasn't the 
money but the principle. which he 
found umusing: "I would have 10 be а 
double miracle. First of all, a priest 
would have to have a baby, and then— 
because of celibacy vows—it would 
have to be without a partner.” 


69 


PLAYBOY 


landlubbers, we were violently scasick. 
ors were taking it all in 
ng a few laughs at our ex- 
пе of them took pity on 
nd suggested we go up on 
nce there, he pulled 
nt and offered me 
ng could worsen 
vation, T took two 


me, I guess, 
deck for some 


{eel better. In fact, 1 felt gre 
down below, ] noticed that the rest of 
the Seabees were swaying in the oppo- 
site direction of the ship. while 1 was 
swaying w its motion. From that day 


withheld by request) 
Huntsville, Texas 
That's great, but we can't help noticing 
from your address that your present duty 
station is the Texas stale penitentiary. 


GAY-RIGHTS BACKLASH 
Fm homosexual and Im becomi 
concerned over the so-called а 
jd that such 
е, the word gi 
€ as fag and now 
probably connotes to most straight 
people the a vely effeminate clowns 
who get TV coverage by either cavort- 
i the occasion permits. 
gi Bryants and 
redneck legislators the ammunition they 
need to undo the legal and social prog- 
als have made in the past 
nk pLayBoy should be 
the 


ress homo: 
several years. 1 th 
profoundly i 
“gay rights” militants while consi 


We have several woodcut drawings ol this old picture. Н you'd like one ес. just wre. 8 supporting homo 
human beings. With the lunatic fringe 


THIS OLD PICTURE reminds us that a few | азайа all ine attention, peopl 


E т starting to forget that the vast m 
things have changed in Jack Daniel's Hollow. | of homosexuals are neither closet queens 
ng faggots but are indistin- 
both in appe 
moral values, from other 


"Today's grain is delivered in trucks instead of 
mule-drawn wagons. But our miller inspects Just as black people should mor 
қ 2 ed by the flashy dudes in their 
each load as carefully as ever. And rejects it all wed — pimpmobiles, homosexuals 
if it's not to his standard. Another thing we mu 
Я ime withheld by request) 
В ۴ Chicago. Ilinois 
still do is gentle our whiskey Foi ture on the antigny Падвей, se 
: : “Тіс San Francisco. Experience". else- 
m M de mellowing. iw no eda M 
at's the process chat CHARCOAL | DRYLAND 
accounts for Jack Daniel’s 
unique smoothness. And 
even though іс dates back 


MELLOWED PLaynoy readers may be astonished to 
is of the country are 
to 1866, we're not about 
to change one part of іс. 


under the shackles of Prohibition, 

ght of the 67 counties in Ala- 
б legally dry. But 

has ever visited these parts will 

BY DROP the fact that there is no such an 

In our county alone, we must have 

300 to 500 bootleggers. You may say, 

Whats the problem, theni—jou can 


Tennessee Whiskey « 90 Proof • Distilled and Bottled by Jack Daniel Distillery, к bey bee 
Lem Motlow, Prop. Inc., Route 1, Lynchburg (Pop. 361), Tennessee 37352 песи 
Placed in the National Register of Historic Places by the United States Government, | C be же u 


yone who 
чем to 


frst place, if you 


uor, the penalty 
ng busted for 


JOY*de JEAN PATOU 
THE COSTLIEST PERFUME IN THE WORLD 


Imported from Paris...One ounce in Baccarat crystal $300 


PLAYBOY 


72 


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possession of pot. And 
place, these bootleggers 
young kids, g us а serious teenag, 
alcoholism problem. 

The ironic thing is that the fanatics 
who have forced shops to hide men’s 
magazines under the counter are the same 
ones who just spent a small fortune in a 
Jiquor-referendum campaign to keep the 
county dry. But you never hear a peep 
from them about putting the bootleg- 
gers out of busincss. 

Several people concerned about this 
situation are planning a court suit in 
an attempt to have the prohibition laws. 
of Alabama declared unconstitution. 
Then maybe we can drag our county, 
kicking and screaming, into the 20th 
Century. Wish us luck. 

Dave Marks 
Florence, Alabama 


CRIME AND PUNISHMENT 

I was saddened to discover that the 
Oklahoma legislature failed to enact a 
law, coauthored by Representatives 
ank Shurden and John Monks, provid- 
ing for the castration of certain sex of- 
fenders (Forum Newsfront, October). 
The enactment would have paved the 
way for other sensible and just punish- 
ments, For example: А person convicted 
of voyeurism would have his eyes surgi- 
cally removed. 


Dwayne Craig 
"Tulsa. Oklahoma 


REASONABLE SUSPICION 

1 would like to comment on the 
letter in the September Playboy Forum 
from William R. Reynolds, the Texas 
policeman who says his wrists go limp 
and his head gets dizzy because the 
Supreme Court has stopped random 
driver's-license checks. Reynolds is under 
the mistaken impression that he and his 
fellow officers can mo longer мор sus- 
picious drivers. Evidently, he has mot 
read the Court's opinion. 

In Delaware vs. Prouse, 


the Court 


merely pointed out that "reasonable sus- 


picion,” as required in Terry vs. Ohio lor 
any dtizen stop, applies to automobile 
drivers as well, Reasonable suspicion is 
the lowest quantum of proof in our 
system and requires only that the suspi 
чоп be “articulable.” In short, if the 
officer can. put it in words, that's good 
enough. T doesn't seem like a whole 
lot to ask. 

The abuse of license checks is evident 
from Reynolds own statement: "We 
don't use license checks to harass in- 
nocent citizens. We use them 10 stop 
suspicious cars and check people we 
think might have done something or 

about to do some! j 
ense checks were never 
be fishing expeditions. If the officer 
does, indeed, have a reasonable suspicion 
that criminal activity is afoot, then the 


meant to 


stop can һе made for that reason alon 
But using a license check as a pretext lor 
vehicle nadom and smell- 
ing the air for ma а smoke, as was 
done in the Prouse case (this is called 
“the hippie in the van case” in legal 
lcs), is violative of the presumption 
of innocence we claim to cherish 

Justice White, speaking for the cight- 
to-one majority, commented: 


Automobile travel is a basic, per- 
i often necessary mode of 
on to and from 
home, workplace and leisure activ 
ities, ... Were the individual subject 
to unfettered governmental intru- 
sion every time he entered an auto- 
mobile, the security guaranteed by 
the Fourth Amendment would be 


one's 


James E. Preast, Jr. 
Powhatan Correction Center 
State 


PART OF THE PROBLEM 
Whether PLAYBOY wants to admit it or 
not, we have a major national problem 
in the raping, beating and brutalizing 
of women. We also have a national prob- 
lem in that women are traditionally and 
consistently discriminated against be- 
cause of their sex. Despite your editorial 
rhetoric opposing this violence and dis- 
crimination, as a so-called men's. mag: 
zine that often makes light of sex and 
that obviously sells either partly or most- 
ly because of the glamorized pictures of 
nude women, you are part of the prob- 
lem, regardless of the short stories. arti- 
cles and editorial positions that your 
defenders are so quick to cite. Those, 1 
believe. are not more than profit-dictated 
concessions to a growing awareness on the 
part of American women that they have 
nore to contribute than their bodies. 
(Name and address 
withheld by request) 
IVe must compliment you, too, on your 
rhetoric, but dispute what appears to be 
your premise: that nudity is degrading 
and that sexuality somehow inspires rape 
or wife beating. We would also suggest 
that the mistreatment of women, from 
rape 10 job discrimination, predates the 
Gutenberg press and is now perceived as 
а national problem partly because more 
women than ever before feel they can 
report their abuse with some possibility 
that the police and governmental agen- 
cies will respond. Not only did vt vtov 
editorially and financially support those 
reforms long before our present-day crit- 
ics but we immodestly insist that 
PLaynoy was, in fact, the first major 
magazine of any kind to reject sexual 
double standards and to treat women as 
people, with clothes or without. Please 
check out the “magazines for теп” prior 
10 viaynoy. And please don’t confuse 
PLAvuoy with the sex magazines that we 


also find disgusting. You might even 
examine the popular women's magazines 
and their portrayal of women and their 
gender roles, You sound too innocent 
10 understand sex, social problems, cul- 
tural dilemmas or the very concept of 
individual freedom of choice, much less 
the realities of commercial publishing. 


CENSORSHIP 

1 hope my fears are unfounded, but 
Гус been watching and hearing enough 
outcry for censorship to worry me—cen- 
somhip of a kind that would virtually 
remove sex from any publication or 
motion picture. I'm not concerned that 
it would ever be voted in by the people: 
1 do fear that politicians and the current 
Supreme Court (Nixon's revenge) will. 
if they can, dismantle the First Amend- 
ment and attempt more and more to dic 
tate what adults may read and see. 1 
would like demonstrations in 
behalf of our constitutional rights be 
the modern-day Anthony Comstocks suc 
ceed in imposing their tastes on the en 
lire country 


о sce som 


ore 


Willi 
Los Angeles, Californi: 


m Kirschner 


GOOD B.S. 

R 
cross an English professor's le 
the semantic distinctions of 
d chickenshit (The 


old copy of ptaynoy. I ra 
d dis- 


cussion of 
bullshit, horseshit a 


Playboy Forum, October 1978), and I feel 
1 must share with you the comments of 
my Unde Telesfor, a genuine Cajun 
from Lucy, Louisiana, about 30 miles 
northwest of New Orleans in real coon 
ass count 

Whenever Uncle Telesfor was engaged 
in serious conversation with a native and 
perceived that the other party was ted- 
ding (Uncle Telesfor's parlor word for 
horseshitting), he would casually work 
the topic around to hunting and fishing, 
which in Lucy are about the most popu- 
lar topics, anyway. Then, in his inimita 
ble Cajun accent, he would go something 
like this 

"You know, wen I was hontin' bob- 
white dis mawnin wid mah fran from 
Nawlins [New Orleans], he say to me in 
de vawd he see dogsheet an chikunsheet: 
bv de bawn he see cowsheet an mew! 
sheet: in de feels war he hont he see 
ribeetsheet and plany, plany deersheet 
He say he don see all dat sheet on de 
street in big seedy lak Nawlins, so to 
heem it fonny how dees animahls each 
wan make sheet dat don look de same. 
He say de chikun mak a plop wats blak 
on de groun an white on de top: de dog 
mak eet de same lak you an me, long an 
roun lak sausage: de cow make cet 
de mewl make eer roun lak 
beet mak eet lak jellybeans 
he mak eet lak Til chokolat 


lak pie: 
bawhs: de 


an de de 


Easter е 


Continuing in a serious tone, Uncle 
Telesfor would then ask the native if he 
knew why these various animals crapped 
so distinctively both in texture and in 
shape. Invariably, the response was: “No, 
why dooday?” Then Uncle Telesfor, 
utilizing the well-known Cajun combo of 
facial expressions and hand gestures, 
would bellow out: “Man, ow you try to 
seer пах to me heah smawt tawkin lak 
you know evryting wen you don even 
know sheet?” 


Joe Edwards 
New Orleans, Louisiana 


AN IDEA WHOSE TIME HAS NOT COME 

James Green's “modest proposal” 10 
put prisoners in the Armed Forces 
shows him 10 be an incompetent ignora 
mus (The Playboy Forum, September). 
After nearly 20 years in the military, 1 
resent being equated with a man who has 
robbed a bank, raped a child or mur 
dered some helpless old lady during an 
abortive burglary attempt. I 
forger (though 1 have performed clerical 
duties). I am not a thief (though 1 ha 
been a supply sergeant) and I am not a 
killer (though 1 have been armed for the 
majority of my career) 

Mil listments have been volun- 
tary [or several years and 
joined without a thought of avoiding 
the draft or armed conflict. We support 
the U.S. Government. even if we don't 


am not a 


агу е 


many of us 


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PLAYBOY 


from evacuation line or a flooded house or 
under a terrorist attack in а foreign 
country, he should not call us. He should 


call for а nonviolent, peace-loving per- 


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It was such a delightful change to see 
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with such a positive and very possible 
swer to today's prison overpopulation 
There would be two benefits from such 
an idea: a cutback in prison population 


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Armed Forces are hard pressed enough 


to draw qualified volunteers trom the 
regular population. 
THAT PUT THE MOST eee sland sic. Theat 


have seen skill and sacrifice. I have not 


seen deprivation of freedom and harsh 
EXPENSIVE elena ee 
I will go so far as to say that if the mili- 
SPEAKER SYSTEMS tary made its alternative lifestyle more 
attractive, even conventional, perhaps 
TO SHAME Ет га: 

the 


npower problem would 


t ren that the military pri- 

When you listen to Sony headphones, you'll share an marily consists of skilled voluntcers who 
intimacy with the music you've probably never experienced before; are normal people, not warmongering 
you'll hear subtleties you've missed with most speakers. animals who salivate over the thought 


Admittedly, this may sound rather extraordinary. of killing other people. 


But then, so do our headphones. Joel T. Oliver 
FPO New York, New York 


SONY: 


We've never put our name 
on anything that wasn't the best. 


Т, too. would 


ladly serve а military 
tour in Folsom. Where 
else could one get together with the old 
phisticated 


or new gang and be issued 
ordnance? 

As 
depri 
tarian atmosphere,” 1 would sure like to 
know where it is. Maybe in the five 
a from civ 
life, bosses have quit yelling and let you 
walk off the job whenever you want, and 
I guess there are no longer the overtime 
hours to be worked 

Im afraid the volunteer 


the “harsh treatment, the 
n of freedom and the to 


Army has 


100% BLENDED SCOTCH WHISKIES, 80 8 PROOF IMPORTED BY SOMERSET IMPORTERS, LTD., N Y. N Y © 1979 


lite э rt 


THIS TIME OF YEAR, THERES NOTHING 


AS TRADITIONAL AS RED. 
2 № uem 


JOHNNIE WALKER RED 
THE RIGHT SCOTCH WHEN ALL 15 SAID AND DONE 


PLAYBOY 


76 


enough problems without 1 
criminal clement. As it is, all we 
getting is the unemployed and the 
educated. 


Sgt. Paul E. Hacker: 

Fort Ritchie, M. 

We didn't lake James Green's proposal 

seriously, but plenty of readers did. 

Their letters do point up one benefit 

af the draft: Historically, it's just about 

the only way to supply the military 
with intelligent, educated personnel. 


LEST WE FORGET 

For nearly 20 years. I have lived i 
this country and worked in many others 
as an engineer, and I'm now in the 
process of acquiring U.S. citizenship— 
more for purposes of convenience il 
out of any great emotional or political 
need. I am neither a nationalist of any 
kind nor political in any way, which i 
why I am writing this letter. T do insist 
on a degree of personal freedou 
cluding freedom from excessive govern 
mental controls, even when those are 
benevolent. 

What D would like to say is that 
Americans never cease to amaze me with 
their constant complaining about in- 
justice, about their laws, about the 
behavior of their police. What U. S. citi- 
zens consider intolerable excesses аге 
cepted as routine, even expected, in 
most parts of the world. That instances 
of police brutality ог political corruption 
so disturb Americans always amazes most 
foreigners, to whom such issues as civil 
ghts and civil liberties are not even 
subjects for debate, 

The fact that Ame us аге so easily 
outraged and so willing to fight against 
governmental authority. im the naive 
belief they сап do so. is probably the 
ee a coun 


ains as 


try as it is. 


(Name withheld by request) 
New York, New York 


TIT MAN 

Way back in February 1976. The 
Playboy Forum published my letter. oi 
icense-Plate Obscenity” alter the state 
of California denied my request. for 
special tags reading rrr, the logo of my 
school, Tustin Institute of Technology. 
At the time, I heard from plenty of 
Forum readers who thought the idex 
ri tried since fo 


ns of public morality 
nse of humor than did 
Governor. Reagan's, My feelings of [rus 
ге gett 

ine of T-shirts that has boosted 
student me у 
Until recently, my family resisted the 
“Үйін idea on the ground that it wasn't 
ity of our educa- 


ave no great 


ig relieved, however, 


ale considerabil 


wife wasn't thrilled at my license-plate 
originally) But with the recent T- 
shirt craze, everyone relented and you 
сап see the result. When I can talk every: 
ne into suiting up, we turn a lot of 
heads. 

In the photo, I'm admiring my ¢ 
ter Ruth, 21, a graphi i 
major at California State University 
o. Ruth asked Doug Froebe, a stu- 
dent at Brooks Institute of Photography, 
to take the picture. I think it shows how 
pleased I am with both Ruth and lı 
shirt. Neat item will be a school tic, 
navy with white letters, which should be 


popular when 1 te; 
one of the few 
und. 


ch in England. ГИ be 
bona fide TIT men 


Wayne Tustin 
Tustin Institute of Technology 
Santa Barbara, Califor 
For all the skeplics out there, TIT 
isn't a pul-on (except for the T-shirt. of 
course), It's a legitimate technical school 
in the field of vibration and shock meas- 
urement and testing, established in early 
1962. 


YANKEE, STAY HOME 

I beg to differ with Dr. Oliver from 
Canada who implied that an carlier 
Playboy Porum correspondents. prob- 
lems with the police were 
caused by his lack of respect for or in 
bility to deal with people in foreig 
puntries (The Playboy Forum, July). 
He's obviously alluding to the Ugly 
American syndrome, and God know: 
plenty of Аш n tourists qualify. 
But I find it hard to believe he's un 
aware of what's going on in Mexico 
these days. I've lived and worked in 
Mexico off and on sin 1952. Until 
recently, 1 preferred being there to 
being in the States, The only reason 1 
can still survive in what has become a 
ipt jungle of cops, judges and law 
yers is because I personally know enough 


Mexican 


con 


cops, judges and lawyers, whose names 
reduce the amount of mordida that it 
takes just to drive from point A to 
point В. 


basically won 
derful people is that somet 


wise fine country and i 


ppened since the 

its become a new 

in the Amer 
(Name withheld by request) 
Harlingen, Texas 


versi 


CHILD ABUSE 

I have come to 
the perverted and s 
some children are forced to endure is the 
result of apathetic, ignorant or just рініп 
parents. 

As a five-year-old child, I w: ly 
abused by an old man in the neighbor- 
hood. Т told my parents and my father 
only got mad at me for "lying about a 


е sad conclusion th. 


k sexual abuse that 


s 


ister of our church 
e to get involved in 
t kind, and even 


ters of dd 
the police required more proof than 
the tales of a little girl.” 

Thad a ple childhood and ado- 
lescence, but I years old and 
have been happily married for the past 
seven years. 
autilul five ye: 
heard. news th 


My husband and I have a 
old 


and we just 
ck all of 
at th; 


The 
is the 
re сеп. 


300 children's parents placed trust 
man who sexually abused our so 
owner and president of the day-c 
ter he attended 
The district 
that there are si 
have been molested and there are more 
probable victims. Of the six seis of pai 
cuts of known victims, only two are go 
ing to prosecute—we and another amily. 
affidavits that they won't 
prosecute if the man agrees to seek. psy- 
help, and the two others don't 
want to get involved. 
Regardless of the so-called reasons for 
»t prosecuting, the crux of the problem 
pure unadulterated apathy. 
No wonder child abuse is a n 
problem when such apathy exists, €i 
among "good" parents. 
Name 


attorney's office told us 


boys who are known to 


Two have sig 


ch 


nd address 
held by request) 


offers the 


"The Playboy Forum" 
opportunity for an extended dialog 
between readers and this 
publication on contemporary issues. Ad. 
dress all correspondence to The Playboy 
Forum, Playboy Building, 919 North 
Michigan Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 60611. 


editors of 


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sanis S TE VE MARTIN 


a candid conversation with the immensely popular comedian about 
life and laughter and arrows through a prematurely gray head 


Navin Johnson is The Jerk: а charac 
ter of comedian Steve Martin's. fertile 
imagination who began as a simple stage 
routine that has now turned into а mov- 


ie that Universal is hoping will make 
Martin ils answer to United Artists" 
Woody Allen and Warner Bros.’ Mel 


Brooks, The idea is simple and funny: 
Martin stars as Navin, who was raised by 
а poor black family only to discover late 
in life that his skin would never turn 
dark. Setting out to make his fortune, he 
stumbles through a series of escapades 
and inadvertently invents a product 
called Opti-Grabs, which fastens to the 
bridge of one’s glasses and keeps them 
from slipping. It m him ridiculously 
rich, bul not even wealth can make him 
smart. 

After a poolside scene has been shot, 
Marlin and director Сай Reiner go 
to watch il on instant video replay. 
Reiner thinks Steve can do better. He 
for Martin, who listens 
obediently. Reiner, after all, has worked 
with the best—from Sid Caesar and 
George Burns to Mel Brooks—and Mar- 
tin appreciates talent. 

Martin's mother, standing offcamera, 
appreciates a porcelain rose Steve has 


demanstrates 


‘Fear is the biggest thing 1 feel onstage. 
here's no fun, it's all work. You're al- 
ways in danger of losing control. Every 
second you're on, you're on trial. 1 think 
of it as an enemy. As a challenge.” 


given her, though she's unsure what to 
do with it. "Do you put it in a vase?” she 
asks Steve's girlfriend and costar, Berna- 
dette Peters. “I think it's best to keep it 
flat, like on a table,” Bernadette says. 
Steve's father is also on the set, watching 
his son make his first movie. He looks at 
Steve's bare torso and comments on the 
mat of gray hair that covers his back and 
chest. “They always called him hairy,” 
he says, “even when he was young.” 

Steve Martin whose zarre, often 
existential humor shot him to the fore- 
front of American comedians a [еш 
years ago, has been called a lot of things 
besides hairy. His comedy has been la- 
beled silly, brainless, Disneyesque and 
West Coast wacko. He has been known 
to lead entire audiences into the sire 
after a show, ordering 600 hamburgers 
from a junk-food dive, only to change it 
10 one order of fries 10 go. He has made 
the arrow through the head and the 
phrases “Ехсииизе me!” and "I'm a wild 
and crazy guy” his trademark: 

AT the Grammys (which hes won 
twice for his first two comedy albums), 
he has appeared without his trousers, 
and at the Oscars, without his head (he 
wore a dark stocking over it). At the 


American Booksellers’ Convention, he 
appeared on the dais with James Baldwin 
and Ray Bradbury and received an en- 
thusiastic ovation from the booksellers, 
who were applauding the fact that his 
book of short, zany stories, “Cruel Shoes,” 
which was critically killed, was at the 
lime the country's number-one best seller. 

He recently completed an East Coast 
tour (which he is hoping will be the last 
lour he ever does), in which he stood 
before audiences ranging from 5000 to 
20,000 people, pulling out old favorites 
(turning balloons into animals, singmg 
his 1,000,000-seller single “King Tut,” 
showing his seven-minute film, “The 
Absent-Minded Waiter”) and adding 
new material. With his new album, 
“Comedy Is Not Pretty,” approaching 
gold (his first album, "Let's Get Small.” 
sold about 1,500,000, and his second, “A 
Wild and Crazy Сиу” sold about 
2,500,000), Martin is now concentrating 
his energies on the promotion of his first 
feature film, which he conceived and 
co-wrote. 

Huge success has happened very fast 
and has made Martin very rich. (His 
manager and longtime friend, Bill Me- 
Euen, worked out advantageous career 


“There was a time when 1 was a wild 
and crazy guy. Once, 1 finished a show 
and the audience was still there, so 1 had 
everyone get into ап етріу swimming 
pool. 1 swam across the top of them” 


"PHOTOGRAPHY BY MARI ODA 
brities have an obligation to have 
а cause to live for. 1 chose gay rights. 
I joined it and worked for it, but then 
1 quit. Why? Because that organization 
is infiltrated with homosexuals!” 


79 


PLAYBOY 


80 


moues for Marlin, including complete 
ownership of all his albums and proper- 
ties. When Steve appears, he doesn't get 
а set fee, he works on а percentage of the 
gate—which can, at limes, close in on 
$1,000,000 for him in just a few days.) 

Privately, Steve Martin is not a goof- 
ball, not wild and crazy, not even very 
funny. Born in Texas but raised in Gar- 
den Grove, California, he grew up an 
avid churchgoer (something he has for- 
saken as an adult) and a diligent worker 
(his parents like to tell how he once 
swepl floors for a quarter when he was 
nine). Al the age of ten, he was hired to 
sell guidebooks at Disneyland, and for 
the next eight years, he worked at the 
Magic Kingdom, demonstrating tricks at 
the magic shop, selling books and news- 
papers, and dropping in at the Golden 
Horseshoe Revue, where his idol, Wally 
Bong, delighted audiences i 
day (he's still there, in his 24th year, 
doing the same show) with balloon tricks 
and cracking sprnball but perfectly timed 
jokes. Boag was Martin's inspiration. But 
й was at the Birdcage Theater at nearby 
Knott's Berry Farm where he was given 
the chance to do his magic act and com- 
edy routines. 

While there, he met a girl who con- 
vinced him that a college education was 
important, so he enrolled at. California 
State, Long Beach, and studied. philoso- 
phy for a few years. When that got 100 
confusing, he tried theater arts at UCLA, 
where he took а TV writing course. He 
was also performing in Westwood at 
Ledbetter's (Randy Sparks was instru- 
mental іп giving him the chance t0 per- 
form) and, by the time he was 21, he was 
hired to write comedy for the Smothers 
Brothers TV show and eventually made 
$1500 a week. He dropped out of college, 
but the pressure of writing funny regu- 
larly led to high anxiety and a near nerv- 
ous breakdown. 

When "The Smothers Brothers" was 
abruptly canceled, Martin got other jobs, 
writing for Sonny and Cher, Pat Paulsen, 
Glen Campbell. John Denver. But what 
he really wanted to do was perform his 
own material. His agents at William 
Morris said he'd never make it, which 
encouraged him to try (and lo drop them 
once he proved them wrong). He started 
appearing at the Boarding House in San 
Francisco, as an opening act for the 
Nitly Gritty Dirt Band. In the late Six- 
ties and carly Seventies, he went on the 
road. Soon he was opening for the likes 
of Ann-Margret and Helen Reddy in 
Las Vegas. With a new agent, Marty 
Klein, he was booked on “The Tonight 
Show" and “Saturday Night Live," which 
brought him the kind of audiences that 
change careers. 

o date, he has guest-hosted “The 
Tonight Show” numerous times and hus 


appearances on “Saturday Night Live” 
have become classics. 

In real life, Martin, who is 33 and pre- 
maturely gray, lives alone but steadily 
sees Bernadette Peters, whom he con- 
siders to be a stabilizing influence on his 
life. He was once linked with Linda Ron- 
stadt for a brief time and he has lived 
with other women at different times. He 
likes lo ski, play tennis, get massaged and 
work. He owns а solar-heated house in 
Aspen, another house in Reverly Hills 
and another in Santa Barbara. His n 
mary Obsession, outside his comedy, 
collecting 19th Century American Er 
which Contributing Editor Lawrence Gro- 
bel (whose “Playboy Interview” with Al 
Pacino appeared last month) discovered 
when he met with Martin at his apart- 
just off Sunset Strip. Grobel's 


ment 
report: 
he first thing 1 noticed was the 
paintings, which covered all the walls, 
and the boxes filled with art books, 
which covered most of the floor space. 
Steve claimed he doesn't even look at 
his paintings while they hang on these 
walls, because it’s ай temporary—he's 
wailing for his home in Beverly Hills to 


—_———— 
“Г т reluctant to talk 
about sex or my girl- 
friends, because that’s 
really your private life.” 
——— 


be remodeled—and he considers his 
current setting as storage. 

“After describing some of the paint- 
ings, he sat down behind а large desk 
and we began our talk. 1 had visited the 
set of ‘The Jerk’ a few times, and he was 
pleased that it was over with. He was 
also anxious about how it would be 
ceived, and prepared for the worst. 
He feels 
he is vulnerable to criticism and that he 
has been unfairly atiacked recently. 

“Не showed me a short review of the 
film ‘Alien’ that he had submitted to 
The New Yorker (which later rejected 
it—one can'l move іп too fast on Woody 
Allen's turf) and was interested in ап 
opinion, an action generic to writers, 
who ате constantly looking for feedback 
During our talks, he would try out bits 
of new routines, play tapes he'd made 
and discuss propertics he was considering 
for potential film projects. 

“1 flew to New Jersey 10 catch his con- 
cert act, but, unfortunately, saw him on 
an off night. The audience was not com- 
pletely with him and he pulled out all 
his tricks in a desperate attempt to get 
the Big Laugh, which never came. The 
next day, 1 met him for lunch at the 


Steve is a cynic and а worrier. 


Carlyle Hotel іп Manhaitan and we 
discussed what had gone wrong. After 
ward, he dropped some of the bits that 
weren't working, juggled some routines 
around and tightened up the act he had 
not wanted to do in the first place. (He 
recognizes that even Woody Allen did 
stand-up until he could make it just 
doing films, and that's the direction 
Martin is following.) 

“Our last time together, we went to the 
Frick Collection on 70th Street off Fifth 
Avenue. I's one of Martin's favorite 
places and there are two particular paint- 
ings he likes to see. One їз а melancholy, 
wistjul Holbein portrait of Sir Thomas 
More and the other is a portrait of а 
lady, by Т. Lawrence, whose pure-white 
skin reminded me of Bernadelte Peters’. 

“We parted on Madison Avenue. My 
last words were, ‘See you on the cover 
Which seems an appropriate way to be- 
gin this interview.” 


PLAYBOY: Our cover shows you in char- 
acter—a wild and crazy guy. Is this go- 
ing to be an in-character interview? 
MARTIN: It's hard for me to be funny for 
14 days or however Jong we're going to 
do this. I can't disguise my true self that 
long. But ГЇ be funny when there's a 
question I don't want to answer. 
PLAYBOY: We thought wed start with 
your background and work our way up 
through your —— 
MARTIN: Nobody gives a 
I grew up and all that. That's boring. 
Even I don't give a shit. When I read an 
пе nd it gets to the part where 
the person grew ир, I turn the page. 

‚ interests you? 
MARTIN: The only thing of interest to me 
is the future. 

PLAYBOY: How do you see your future? 
MARTIN: 1 
know what my pl 
about it. 
PLAYBOY: Let's get this straight: 


shit about where 


have no ide: 


long 
1 go to bed 
de Actually, I'm to talk 
about sex or my А 
friends, because that’s really your private 
life and youre affecting people 
never thought they would be allected. 

PLAYBOY: No past, no future, по sex. 
What about polit 
MARTIN: I'm not political, because Т don't 


I don't get 
nda Ron- 


who 


know what's going on. Get someone who 
knows politics to talk about it 
PLAYBOY: What you're saying is you don't. 


have much to s: 
MARTIN: In theory, you do 
because you is to say. If 
I had great things to say, Pd say them 


view 


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onstage or in а movie, or somewhere else 
In my work, F disguise what J have to 
say. That's what art 
PLAYBOY: What do you mean? 
MARTIN: You can't just say, "Life is пос 
worth living.” You have to write а nove 
that says life is not worth living. In an 
interview, you're talking directly: you're 
not an artist anymore 
PLAYBOY: You're forgetting that there is 
an art to conversation. 
MARTIN: Thats truc. [ve turned. down 
all other requests for interviews because 
1 want this one to have meaning. 
PLAYBOY: Which will be quite a leat. 
since you've put so many restrictions on 
yourself 
MARTIN: The interviews I've done in the 
past are so redundant. Superficial. Eithe 
you give it all or you shouldn't give any 
of it 
PLAYBOY: Our feclings exactly. Should we 
stop now or continue? 
MARTIN: Obviously, this is where 1 end 
up giving it all. 
PLAYBOY: Terrific. Now 
MARTIN: Although there are some thin 
I'm determined not to talk about 
PLAYBOY: Let's start over. You're a come 
dian. This is an interview. To hell with 
the restrictions. Now, who's the funniest 
person in America today? 
MARTIN: Richard Pryor. 
PLAYBOY: Have you ever asked anyone for 
an autograph: 
MARTIN: Bobby Fischer. I followed him 
into a bathroom 
PLAYBOY: When you were a kid, what was 
your image of a man? 
MARTIN: Guys who dressed in black and 
wore swords. Zorro. 
PLAYBOY: Would you like to have kids of 
your own one day? 
MARTIN: 1 don't want any kids. It's a life- 
пе job. People have kids and go off 
and do something еһе. Or theyre too 
stupid to raise them. Every time you 
think that you might want to have kids, 
go to a restaurant and sit next to or 
You just don't want one. 
PLAYBOY: Whats the most enjoyable 
thing you can have done to you without 
fearing the consequences? 
MARTIN: Get it massage. It's the onc thing 
d that doesn't lead to trou- 
II you smoke, you get cancer. H you 
desserts, you get Fat. H you tuck, she 
gets pregnant or you get involved. А 
hassage—you pay for it and ir feels 
теш. Hs the one thing that doesnt 
have a bad consequence unless it loosens 
а clot that goes to your heart 
PLAYBOY: Did vou ever go to bed with 
Linda Ronstadt? 
MARTIN: I saw her for about three weeks 
one time. We were just friends. We 
never got in bed. We had a mutual affair 
without sex 
PIAYBOY: Ш you could choose how you 
could be remembered, what would that 
be? 
MARTIN: There's one thing, specifically, 1 


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would have liked to have done. That was 
when the guy knocked 8,000,000 dom- 
inoes over on The Tonight Show. Y ivd 
been те. ГА always be remembered for 
that thing. 

PLAYBOY: Well, that about does it. You 
got anything you'd like to add? 

MARTIN: What about comedy? І can talk 
about that 

PLAYBOY: Comedy? Oh—right, we forgot 
w s you think you can talk 
about that any more than sex or politics? 
Alter all, most politicians are comedians 
and most comics have sex. 

MARTIN: OK. Let's take the question Why 
1 T not political? One reason is purely 


aesthetic. There were too many political 
thinkers in the Sixties. There was too 
much political comedy. It was a cheap 
laugh. The world didn't need another 
political comedian. The world still 
doesn't need another serious person. 
There're too many people who are really 
good at it; they don't need me. 

PLAYBOY: A Ralph Nader o[ comedy 
you're not 

MARTIN: As Ralph Nader is necessary. so 
am 1 necessary. Checks and balances. If 
everyone were Ralph Nader. we'd have 
ho consumers: and if everyone were me. 
we'd have no champions. Choosing not 
to decide something is an existential 


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decision. That's the way I feel about 
politics. Choosing not to be socially 
aware, choosing to be naive about it, is 
a statement 

PLAYBOY: Did you inake that choice from 
the beginning? 

MARTIN: When I was starting out, I in 
tended to put meaning into my act, to 
be a social satirist, to зау something 
about truth and beauty and everything 
And then the Beatles came along and 
they started saying it—in their songs 
with Sgt. Pepper. And I went, shit, they 
did what 1 had planned to do. They had 
put meaning into entertainment. So, at 
that point. I said, now 1 have to turn it 
the way. Thats what was the 
premise of my whole act during a time 
е succeeded. I 
was doing my act without meaning. Con. 


other 


when it never could lı 


sciously avoiding politics 
PLAYBOY: Why. at that time, did you feel 
it couldn't succeed? 

MARTIN: the 
hard-hitting response. People were bei, 
killed 


were 


Because Sixties needed 


There was a real threat, people 
So they had to say it 
satire. Satire 


ing t0 war. 
they didn't have time for 


was so easy then, because everyone knew 


bout. Е 


what were talking yone 
knew th supposed to laugh 
ata drug joke and to applaud a war joke 
about Nixon was 


t you wer 


and anything you s: 
all ser up. But then everything became so 
stupid. like suddenly every idiot had 
thing to say. They almost had no 
right to say it, beca 
And the songs were stupid. 
Dylan, the Beatles. they were re: 
ters of the form-— then for six years 
ward, you had guys singing these drug 
songs, “Blow my mind .dt was just 
very trite. 

PLAYBOY: You've taken quite a leap. For 
an asocial. nonpolitical comic. that is 
MARTIN: The last time 
McGovern. Or was it 
Govern. OK. Не» 
thought it was the stupidest thing Га 
ever been involved in. Thats exactly 
why E don't talk about politics. be 
its so futile. You can only close your 
doors and think about your life. 
You don't live in America. you live in 
Hollywood. 

PLAYBOY: How do you see what you were 
doing at the time? 
MARTIN: | was Ігесіпр myself and repre- 
senting people who didn't have to be 
socially or politically conscious. When 
you vote lor McGovern and you're de 
feated by a landslide, that's insignificant 
You're powerless, it was a waste of a day 
a waste of registering. My act symbolized 
the need to turn away from the phony 
responsibility, when it was hip to have 
an opinion. Where one time to protest 
the Vietnam war was а necessity, it sud- 
denly became hip. You had people grow- 
ing their hair who never should have 
grown their hair long. And Шеп Water 
gate—that was past the point of our 


e they weren't art 


ists. Bob 


mas 


ter 


1 voted was for 
McCarthy? Me 
defeated so badly. 1 


ause 


own 


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PLAYBOY 


being able to do something about it. The 
next thing was that it was OK to create 
your own world or your own country in 
your head 

PIAYBOY: And your timing was right? 
MARTIN: The timing was so right. I see 
myself as a success of timing. having the 
right act at the right time, when eve 
body was sort of starting to think that 
way. That's why I was a phenomenon 
rather than just another comedian. We 
were in the midst of the Sixties when 1 
was starting to formulate this idea. I'd 
say. "Someday this consciousness will 
grow tiresome.” It’s like impressionism 
а master movement, a great movement: 
but no matter how great it was, someday 
it ping to grow tired. That's what I 
felt in the Sixties. This was a n 
movement and I was into it. | knew that 


as g 
ter 


st out of 


someday we'd have to ¢ 
boredom, and tha 


I was formu 


sw 


lating. Almost getting ready for it, in 
retrospect. I felt like 1 was the avant 
garde. And three years ago, I was the 


avant-garde, 

PLAYBOY: It sounds very calculated. Let's 
see if we can focus on this master move- 
ment. What does your comedy deal with? 
MARTIN: I'm dealing with a very personal 
side of a human being’s brain, that little 
tiny area that tells him if this is funny or 
not. The best way to hit that is to never 
determine that for him. "That's what I 
believe is the reason my comedy worked, 


ultimately. |t became a private joke 
among friends, My first, initial. original 
thought in comedy was. If I say a joke 
that has a punch line and they don't 
laugh. then I'm screwed. ГІ just start 
talking funny-type things and never give 
them а punch line, eventually their ten- 
sion is going to grow so much that they 
will start laughing on their own, they'll 
start choosing things to be funny. wh 
is the strongest kind of humor 
have determined what is funny, 
The laugh I like to get is, 
don’t know why I'm laughing.” 
Laughter is the most pecu 
tional response of all. It doesn’t relate 
even to joy, as tears relate to sadness and 
terror, But laughter is really a sponta- 
neous act. 
happy. It's a very strange commodity 
laughter, To be supplying that to 
people. [ used to stand up there and act 
like I could not care less if this got a 
laugh. Fd take out the jokes and do 
those nonsense things. One of the first 
jokes I'd say was, "Now. the nose on-the- 
ophone routine" And Fd put my 
nose on the microphone and go, "Thank 
you." Which is all very simple and child. 
like, looking back. but that was the 
premise that I first started operating on. 
At that time, if they didn't laugh. you 
had to believe it was their fault, they 
didn't get it. 
PLAYBOY: What you're saying is that you 


r emo- 


It doesn't even mean you're 


were at the forefront in taking us from 
the social Sixties to the silly Seventie 
MARTIN: I've been criticized for being on 
the brainless side, which is the furthest 
thing from the truth in my head. Silli 
ness. It's so мау off. 1 don't have to 
defend that. Comedy has always been 
superficially. Are Laurel and 
nles? I don't think so. What 
е relates more 


to psycho 
It relates to human beings. to 
iduals. 

PLAYBOY: Do you see yourself more as a 
harbinger of rhe “те” decade? 

MARTIN: I hate to hear it referred to as a 
ssistic point of view 
means love of yourself, TI 
ing inward without a re; 


because that 
t's only turn. 


ion. Not for 


love of yourself, just for its own sake 
PLAYBOY: For the sake of this interview, 


let's look at some real issues and get your 


h you? 
this might help me in my 


views of them. OK w 
MARTIN: OK; 
routines 
PLAYBOY: What do you think about the 
problems in the Middle East? 

MARTIN: Гус always heard there was trou- 
ble over there, 
ally and there was no trouble at all in 
the Middle East. 1 went to Tennessee, 
East Virginia, Maryland, and Im happy 
to say there's no trouble. 

PLAYBOY: That's certainly good to hear. 
Let's move closer to home. Where do 
you stand on the E.R.A. issue? 


but 1 went there person. 


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MARTIN: I just can't all this tur 
той over the Earned Run Average 
PLAYBOY: All right. one more: Arc there 
any causes you support? 
MARTIN: I wanted to get involved in а 
ca 


se now that 1 have the time. Celebri 


ties have an obligation to have a cause to 
live for. I didn't know what I wanted to 
live for, so I put all the causes in а hat 


and I just chose one. It was lus 


So I joined it and worked for it, but 
then I quit 

PLAYBOY: Why? 

MARTIN: ГІ tell you why. Because that 
ion is infiltrated with homo: 


sexuals! 
PLAYBOY: And now you have noth 


Z to 


live for? 
MARTIN: This brings to m 
the scene where Woody Allen is fooling 


Manhattan, 


bout the 
reasons to live. It was the most di 


with his Dictaphone, talkin, 


thing I've эсеп in modern film maki 


where a guy numbers, enumerates the 


things that are worth living for. I don't 
care what he said, 1 admired the fact 
зу. And 
except for a couple of food things, they 
were all artistic ihings— Mozart, pertorm- 
ing artists, Groucho. 

PLAYBOY: What's your greatest pleasure 
in life? 

MARTIN: My greatest pleasure is conversa 
tion. And wit. The most fun game in Ше 
is exploring your own wit and intelli 
gence and feeding off someone else's. АП 
it takes is a little bit of your own intelli 
gence and a lot of intelligence from the 
people around you. It's like, choose your 


that those were his personal thi 


friends. 1£ you hang around with slobs. 
you'll be a slob. 

PLAYBOY: Who are some of those people? 
MARTIN: "here's a dique іп New York 
that’s so much fun: Mike Nichols, Gan 


dice Be 


1, Paul Simon, Carrie Fisher 


those people. Real intelligent, witty 
fun, On this Coast, I know Carl Rei 
ner, Mel Brooks, Dom DeLuise—which 
can be the most hysterical evening you'll 
ever have. And their wives 

PLAYBOY. Do you uy out new material 
lor these people? 

MARTIN: Oh, yeah, I'll wy out with people 


I'm with. like Carl, because I'm around 


him a lot now, or an artdealer fiend 
Perry DeLapp. or Bernadette [Peters 

PLAYBOY: Can you give us an сха 
how your friends may influence your 


ple of 


material? 
MARTIN: A new bit in my ac 
t Terry's house. We'd 


1 was d 


of 
the Forties. so he'd put this on and Ed 


together and he loves big-t 


start dancing to it. You know, silly. And 
his wife would just die laughing. The 
more she'd laugh. the more Fd. do it 
Then Fd think, God. ігі be great, Tm 
g to be standing onstage doing my 


аст. then have this big band. Benny 


Goodman's Stompin’ at the Savoy come 
on and Ell go. “What's 


What is this music?” Then Vll start my 


oing on here? 


toe slightly tapping and then ГИ do my 
dance until it gets rcal big. In the mid- 
dlc of it, ГИ turn on a strobe light and 
stand perfectly still for 30 seconds. 
PLAYBOY: That sounds like a variation of 
your Happy Feel. Where did that one 
come from? 

MARTIN: The genesis of that was I wanted 
а routine where | look like Fm bein: 
controlled by something else. 1 was go- 


ing to look up at the sky and start 
dancing and go, "Leave me alone. leave 
me alone, leave me alone.” And that 
evolved into Happy Feet. The audiences 
didn't get it when 1 looked up and said, 
Leave me alone." They didn't under- 
nd the setup, but the dance got 
hs. So I just dropped the setup. It's 
funny, just the way it looks, with your 
arms and [cet flying. But there's also a 
little more sophisticated concept: like, 
does this happen to you often? 15 it 
something everyone gets? 

PLAYBOY: Sort of like your line about fart 
ing when someone smokes? 

MARTIN: Bill McEuen, my manager, made 
that up. He said it at a dinner table one 
night. He overheard someone say. "Mind 
if I smoke?" He said "No; mind ИГІ 
fart?” My eyes lit up and 1 said, Gold! I 
got up and wrote it down. It became а 
staple of my act for a long time. "Mind 
if J fart?” It would get a big laugh any- 
where, It was a little sanctuary for me. 
Ivs like once Fm experimenting out 
there, 1 can always go to this and it will 
be pretty safe 

PLAYBOY: Like your King Tut bit. Did 
that come to you after sccing the exhibi- 
tion? 

MARTIN: Yeah. I went to the art museum 
and thought it was a shameful exploita 
tion of King Tut. So I said, What's the 
stupidest melody I can think of? What're 
the dumbest lyrics? Thats where King 
Tul сате from 

PLAYBOY: Are new routines constantly 
popping into your head? 

MARTIN: 1 thought of one this morning 
for a TV special or something. You see 
me with a bow and arrow, then you cut 


to one of those big targets made out of 
hay. 1 shoot the arrow and the next 
scene is I've got the target on the dinner 
table. I've got to write that down 
PLAYBOY: While you do that, are there 
iny routines that you feel are funny but 
that don't go over? 

MARTIN: There was а routine that I al 
ways had confidence in. The Jackie 
Onassis bit. Where I meet Jackie Onassis 
for lunch and she turns out to be a pig 
cating with h 
table manners. They didn't go for it in 


hands. unbelievably bad 


1070; 1 guess she was too sacred. But 
then about two years ago, 1 put it back 
and it started getting laughs. It's on the 
third album 

PLAYBOY: Which is Comedy 1s Not Pretty. 
Why isn't it? 

MARTIN: Thats a line I adlibbed one 
night. I did the joke about my girllriend 


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who came to me and said, “I don't think 
you respect me as a woman." I said. 
“What are you talking about? You are 
the best hog I have ever had." The audi- 
ghs and they go boo. So I 
wait a minute, comedy is not 
hats where the title е 
from. I like everything about that album. 
PLAYBOY: Each of your three albums 
seems to get a little further out. Is that 
intentional? 

MARTIN: There was a method in the re- 
lease of those records. I couldn't put 
those new bits on the first record. In 
Let's Get Small, | had to put the bits 
that made the most irrational sense. that 
were concrete, that were self-contained 
and clean. 1 don't mean. languagewisc. 
Vm talking about thc cl lines of the 
routine that flow [rom piece to piece. On 
the second record. we went with material 
that was probably a little further out 
The last record is the most challenging. 
PLAYBOY: Didn't you have some problems 
with the second album. А Wild and 
Cr Сиу. and a distributor because of 
the lang 
MARTIN: It was a problem. You go on 
The Tonight Show and you do: 
fuck. Then the parents go and 
great for little Billy, "cause he doe 
say fuck.” and they buy the album and i 
says fuck. As much as 1 realize that par- 
ents went out and bought their kids my 
album and it says fuck on it, ] can't re- 
scind, I can't say I apologize. The only 
thing I apologize Lor is it doesn't say on 
the record: “Ву the way. this says fuck 
on it" Thats fair. Tell them what 
they're buying ahead of time. But you 
don't change it. that's censorship. Rec- 
ords and movies are great sanctuaries to 
be away from censorship. 115 not like I 
suddenly went out and said, “Well. now 
I'm going to say fuck." I've been saying 
it in my act since 1 was 19. It used to 
be worse. 

PLAYBOY: While the reviews of your first 
album seemed mostly favorable, you 
were cut up a bit for the second album. 
A Rolling Stone critic wrote that "clean. 
apolitical comedy is one thing, while 
cartoonish mediocrity that wholehearted- 
ly supports а decade's social clichés in- 
stead of deflating them is another.” 
MARTIN: That comment is very interest- 
ing in that he's acknowledged that I've 
elevated mediocrity to а place of im- 
portance. That is really the secret of my 
act. But its done intentionally. He 
doesn't regard it as satire when, in truth, 
it’s very satirical. It’s like he missed the 
last point of my act 

PLAYBOY: Did he also miss when he сот. 
pared your “smug, emasculated, rancid 
showbiz condescension” to Milton Berle's 
push-anything-for-a-laugh excess? 

The point has been missed 
Из not, for instance, that the 
arrow through the head is funny, it’s that 
someone thinks the arrow through the 
head is funny. It so happens that the 


The spirit of Christmas present. 


PLAYBOY 


94 


nose glasses are funny, but my point was, 
it's gone beyond the glasses; it's the put- 
ting on ol the nose glasses that is funny. 
Га love to answer with such a sword that 
it cuts up that criticism, but I'm vulner- 
able to it. It's true, in a way, if you don't 
really examine what I'm doing. if you 
just stop there. But kids like my act be- 
use I'm wearing nose glasses. Adults 
like my act because there's а guy who 
thinks putting on nose glasses is funny. 
PLAYBOY: Would that analogy apply to 
your coming out to deliver a Grammy 
а on national TV without your 
pants? 

MARTIN: That was logical because it had 
дуо that made total sense. It w 
n who was dropping his p: 
ugh—that's the Milton Berle 


ам: 


it was because my pants didn't show up 
After the bit's over. the thought the au- 
dience may have is of nding back 
there going, “I don't have my pants, 
they're not here yet, they 
be back from the cleaners. Well, ГИ just 
have to go on like this.” To me, that's 
the best part of the joke. The subtext. 
The thinking that the audience has to 
supply to figure out why I went out with- 
out my pants on. Although, I must say 
that my first thought was, ГИ go out with 
no pants. 
PLAYBOY: Good old Uncle Miltie. 
MARTIN: You know wl is? It's making 
fun of the situation. All these awards 
edos and it's making 
fun of it. I did that with the Billboard 
Award show, where I went out and said, 
“This is the most coveted award in the 
business, we should understand the sanc- 
And T pulled out a 
п wax paper 
1 gave the 


е supposed to 


and pcople in tu 


PLAYBOY: Do you believe in awards? 
MARTIN: Only the fun side of them. I 
don't like to feel like Im in а race or 
а contest, and that’s what it becomes. 
It's like Miss America. You've got 
losers is what you've got. The history of 
awards is they're usually wrong. The 
people who really take them seriously 
are the people who want them and Ше 
people who refuse them. 

PLAYBOY: When you were up for a Gram- 
my, did your heart beat steadily? 

MARTIN: 1 must зау my heart pounded a 
lile fast when the thing came up. 
That's just the thrill of being there. The 
Grammys are the stupidest comedy 
award ever. 

PLAYBOY: The Oscars will probably me: 
something else to you this year, now that 
you're the star and one of the writers of 
your first film, The Jerk, Actually, make 
that first feature film, because you did 
id star in а seven-minute short 
) Buck Hen called The Absent- 
Minded Waiter. Since that is shown, tor 


the most part, at your concerts, what is it 
about? 

MARTIN: It was a sketch I wrote about ten 
years ago. Jt took me about an hour. 
Submitted it for TV. Turned down. 
Went on to other TV shows. Submitted 
it. Turned down every time. Then, on 
the new Smothers Brothers Sh 
ple of years ago, we did it and it went 
over great, Then, in our deal with P. 
mount [Paramount dropped its option 
to The Jerk], one of the ideas that 
[producer] David Picker had was to 
make a short that would promote my 
face to the moviegoing public. So when 
my movie came out, | would be a movie 
star, in a sense. 

PLAYBOY: And you just happened to have 
something you wanted to do 

MARTIN: 1 thought this was the safest 
thing to do. І worked over the script 
with Carl Gottlieb, who directed it. It 
takes seven minutes. ГЇЇ tell you what 
it’s about. A couple—Buck Henry and 
Terri Garr—go to a restaurant and ask 
the maitre de for my table. Buck Henry 
says, "You're not going to believe th 
you're going to scc the шом abs 
minded waiter ever." And she says, 
what? Why did you bring me here?’ 


cou- 


"I'm proud that I made 


something that is funn 
Not any other reason, 
just funny." 


come and say, "Here's your water," and 
pour the water on the table and then set 
down the glasses. There's water all over 
them now. Then I say, "Can I take 
Buck orders. 1 turn to 7 
"Мау I take your order?” She orders. I 
turn back to Buck, "May I your 
gain. I go to Terri. 
I take your order? ОК. Wh 
would you like to drink? Two martinis? 
Fine. What would you like? M 
OK. And what would you like? OK, two 
martinis. And a martini." 
and bring them six marti 
drinks, | 1 
“We haven't got our ma 


огае 


I соте back 
Мет the 
ag the desserts. Buck says, 
n course yet.” 


So E say, “Oh, that ch s always for 
getting.” and go back and bring them 
the main course, but it's all screwed up. 
A lard omelet and а Truly Maple Sur- 
prise. Terri Garr is going. 


“Why did you bring me here, this is our 
one night out, why bh Buck says, 
“Don't worry, just stick with me 
nally, she says, “That's it, Tm so pissed 
off, I'm never going to come h 
and Im just as mad at you. 
come in and I go, "And here's your 


change . . . ten, twenty, thirty, forty, 
fifty, sixty, seventy, eighty, ninety, a hun- 
dred, two hundred, three hundred, four 
hundred, five hundred, a thousand, two 
thousand, three thousand, ten thousand 
dollars. Thank you and come again." 
And I walk away. They start giggling 
Buck starts lighting ир the money 
come back and go, "May | help you 
Terri goes, "Yes Two. For dinner.” 
And they sit down and go through the 
whole thing again. It is funny. I've scen 
it play 500 times оп тау concert dates 
ally proud 


that is funny. Not 
funny. 
PLAYBOY: Is that how you feel about The 


ny other reason, just 


Jerk? 
MARTIN: I think it came out great. very 
funny. We congratulate ourselves а lot, 
in that it’s a picture that has never been 
made before. That's the one thing we're 
most proud of is that, really. you don't 
know what's going to happen next in the 
picture. 

PLAYBOY: Whose idea was The Jerk? 
MARTIN: The script ‘ically my 
idea: A guy is raised by а poor black 
mily but realizes at some point that 
he's actually white—and a bum. Then 
he gets rich off the dumbest thing in 
the ‘world, “That story ted 
me, about the guy who the 
hooks on your pants who made a million 
billion dollars. Then the story appeared 
about the guy who invented a pi 
gasket, а millionaire living in 
Springs, and he's still got his gas-st 
shirt on. So that's all I had. The rest w 
vignettes. That's probably why it needed 
two rewrites. Carl Goulieb and I worked 
for six weeks on the first version. 
PLAYBOY: What was Carl Reiner's con- 
tribution? 

MARTIN: Carl Reiner added wisdom. And 
structure and character. He made it bet- 
ict, it would have been a lousy 
movie without him. 

PLAYBOY: 
isn't he? 
MARTIN: Опе of 
with Rob Reine 
front of my hi 
tre for eight hours. F 
nd he pulls over. He says, 
ng down to that fence,” which 
1 go. "OK." I get 
in and I say, “What's your name?” And 
he goes, "Well, 1 І say, 
“Thanks for the company," а he 
drives off, 
PLAYBOY: 15 it w 
re now 


Palm 
n 


His son 


ko in the picture, 


is, like, ten [eer away. 


we an 


asume that 
which any- 


ong to 


position i 


thing you want to do will get done? 
MARTIN: I [eel that right now, I don't 
have to sell. 1 can k in and sa! ve 
got for a movie about а clock 
that gets s ounds good, Steve, 
re comes out, we'll 
Thats why 


n ide: 


t on. 
the pict 


: power—or less. 


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96 


's critical right now for me to be think- 
ing, because they'll say yes to anything. 
So Т have to think what's good for me. 
My agent said, "Steve, you've got to 
read your scripts with care, because if 
you say you'll do it, the picture will be 
made. No matter how bad” Irs like 
Moment by Moment. They had John 
‘Travolta and Lily Tomlin, /d make 
that picture. How could it bomb? How 
could The Fortune bomb? It had | 
holson and Warren Beatty and M 
Nichols direct: 
PLAYBOY: And The Jerk has you, Bill 
Murray, Rob and Carl Reiner and 
Bernadette Peters, It's a pretty important 
film for her, isn't it? 
MARTIN; Oh, ycah. This is the first part 
she's had that hasn't been a crazy wom- 
ап. Her talent 10 the 
public. I think this movie will do more 
for her than for me. І really do. What 
I do in the picture is expected. What 
she's doing is a surprise. 
PLAYBOY: [s she very anxious about it? 
MARTIN: No, she's the most calm, easy- 
going person Гуе ever met. She really 
can take things or leave them. Her ego 
is not big. She doesn't read her reviews, 
let's put it that way. 
PLAYBOY: Sounds like you're proud of 
her. 
MARTIN: Yeah. People go nuts when they 
meet her. I feel proud of h her 
exposed. She'd be happy being 
nk she wants to pur- 
sue performing. singing. records. She's 
i 1 think she can be one 
of the best—a real landmark singer. 
Because her voice is so controlled. It 
has an al quality to i 
PLAYBOY: Where did you mect her? 
MARTIN: In Vegas one time when I was 
working there. 1 was with another girl, 
it was a celebrity softball game. We went 
out to a dinner afterward. Then I met 
her on Hollywood Squares. I was attract- 
ed to her, so I clowned around like a 
teenager. She was a square below me, 
so Га throw things down. I was having 


whe 


fun, I had put up а Venetian blind in 
my square, so I could close it. I put up 
а sign that said cLosep and орех, Move 
the slats so 1 could look out. It was funny. 


PLAYBOY: Sounds like you stayed in char- 
ter in your attempts to woo her. 
MARTIN. | got her phone number that 
night. Like I was h school. And I 
started seeing her. She had just had an 
air break up, sis months earlier. 
PLAYBOY: Would your parents like you 
her? 


to marr 


MARTIN: Oh, they'd love it. They'd die 


for 


. It doesn't occur to me. It only 
occurs im cei moments, then 
you li the day, as T seem to re- 
call e. e. cummings said. Хо, I have по 
terest in it. 

PLAYBOY: But if Bernadeue wanted to 
get married, would you do it? 

MARTIN: I'd certainly consider it, If it 


and 


€ to ru 


meant losing her or getting married, I'd 
consider it. But she's a woman who has 
lived all her life without getting mar- 
ried, too, so obviously, it's part of her 
make-up. She lives alone and we're two 
peas in à pod that wa 
PLAYBOY: Why aren't you living together? 
MARTIN: There's no way we can live to- 
gether right now, When my new house 
gets off the ground, we'll see. We've 
talked about it. 

PLAYBOY: Have you ever lived with any- 
one? 

MARTIN: Ycah. I lived with three different 
girls. The longest was a couple of years; 
but I'm t talking about sex, 
I don't think it's essential to my per- 
sonality. It’s purient, per, pru, ре 
ent, prurient in regards to me. If you're 
asking Roman Ро that, then it 
might relate to his personality. It's р 


vaté with me. You have to choose to 
be 


whom you reveal your past Ма 
there's something I don't want Bern 
dette to know, because it's pointless and 
it may throw a wrench in something. 
Maybe there's something I don't want 
my mother to know. So why should I 
suddenly, for the nation, reveal some- 
thing that I don't want my mother to 
know? 

PLAYBOY: "That's 


1 understandable posi- 
tion. How being on the road lor 
all those ycars, surely you were exposed. 
to a lot of wild and crazy temptations. 
MARTIN: That's something I don't want 
to talk about. 

PLAYBOY: Because of your mother or 
Bernadette? 

MARTIN: I have a different life now. That 
part of my life is five years ago. so any- 
thing I say about that doesn't apply to 
now. Because | don't get into those 
situations anymore. ] couldn't go for the 
one-night thing anymore. I couldn't 
wake up with a stranger. That whole 
thing—it was depressing. And I have to 
be rude to people who knock on the 
door here. You open it up and it’s а H- 
year-old girl. And you just have to say, 
ay 
th s hard to get laid if youre 
Superman as itis... you know . . . it 
harder! At whatever level. you are іп 
life, it's hard. ICs just as nerv 
PLAYBOY: Have you ever dressed up 
funny, put on nose glasses, before en- 
gaging in any kind of 
MARTIN: I can't remembe s just say 
aghs in bed. [Laughs] 
PLAYBOY: you ever fants 
certain women when you wer 
some [amous actress or singer? 
MARTIN: It didn't have to be a big star 
for mc to fantasize. It could have been 
the girl in the corner holding the spear. 
Rhonda Fleming. that’s who I liked. For 
a long time, I was in love with Joni 
Mitchell. Never knew her, never met 
her, but she was really appealing to me. 
Linda, I was really taken with her. 
PLAYBOY: Hi we are 


“Wrong. You go away.” Let me just s 
its 


Linda Ronstadt. Where did you meet 
her? 

MARTIN: She was a singer and I was а 
comedian at the Troubadour. She was 
with the Stone Poneys. 1 saw her singing 
onstage and thought she was great. It 
was just before she had a hit with Long, 
Long Time or Different Drum. | started 
hanging around with her and her friends, 
like the Eagles, before they made it, and 
Kris Kristofferson. We were both very 
changeable then. We were always think- 
ing of the future, looking around the 
to see what else was coming. l 
a little more stable now, because Bern 
dette's pretty stable. Or very stable. 


PLAYBOY: You mean you realized that the 
t of a rock star was not for you? 


MARTIN: Yeah, I nixed that, I was into it 
for a while just because my friends were 
musici; but the hard-core rock life— 
І realized I would kill myself if 1 did 
that. 
PLAYBOY. Well, now that you're begin- 
ning to live the life of a movie star, are 
there any actresses you'd like to work 
with? 
MARTIN: I'd love to act with Jane Fonda. 
And with Diane Keaton, but that's difi- 
cult, because 1 don't want to be а Woody 
Allen schle p. 
PLAYBOY: Have you ever met Wood: 
MARTIN: No. He's just a real 
to meet him. but I'd hate to go 
wh the agony of meeting him over 
shaking hands wi 
he and I are 
ig people. If you 
said. Steve, you've got to share Woody's 
apartment with him for four weeks. 
that would be bette: 
PLAYBOY: Do you know that he writes 
most of his short stories in bed? 
MARTIN: Thar's probably a good place to 
do it. Maybe VI ask him if I can get 
in his bed and try writing something. 
His stories are brilliant, some are и 
believable. He's a real writer, a guy who 
writes every day. He's really concerned 
with words and language when he writes 


those stories. What I write has nothing 
to do with what he writes. Im a guy 
who thinks and makes a note and. puts 


t in my act. 
PLAYBOY: Or in your book. You do have 
а best sell the moment 
MARTIN: [1's not com ble. On the one 
hand, Cruel Shoes is a joke book. I'm 
not d ing it, I think there's some 
pretty в there. but it doesn't 
the fe Woody Allen short 
His are е ly complex and 
ilul. Cruel Shoes is like Erma Boi 
If Life ls a Bowl of Cherries, 
which I presume is very light. I can't 
its quality. Is amusing. 

it goes from very light to very 
serious, but it's not J. P. Donlcavy. And 


story. 


^s inter- 


Us probably not as funny as some people 
would expect it to be. 
PLAYBOY: Were you surprised it hed 


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PLAYBOY 


98 


the top of the best seller list? 
MARTIN: That's all a fluke, That's а mat- 
ter of timing. You know, it’s beat out 
two diet books. I thought it would sell 
well, because my albums sell up to wo 
and a half million s. so why 
shouldn't the book, which is cheaper than 


by Steve Martin, a comedian. I know th: 
That doesn’t bother me. It never 
intended to be a great book. I like to 
k that along with buying the book, 
ttle something else goes with it: a 


a 


better understanding of what my com- 
means. I think I'm pro 


edy 


bly most 
ive to the criticism that my comedy 
s, when I know it's not. Hope- 
fully, something like the book makes my 
comedy a larger world, 

PLAYBOY: Not according 10 most of the 
ics, who didn't have very nice things 
to say about i 
MARTIN: Т knew they were going to kill 
me, but T don't give a shit. It's just like 
doing The Tonight Show—you're ex- 
actly the same on every television set 
and you've got half the people who 
loved it and half who hated it. Cruel 
Shoes is like that. They say, “I loved 
this one," and another guy says. “I 
hated this one." There's no sense at all 
to it. I know what the book is, I don't 
need to be told. I know where the prob- 
lems are. But they are criticizing things 
е the photographs or the length, 
which is totally ridiculous. because 
length has nothing to do with quality. 
Go review The Waste Land and then 
come back and tell me it’s too short. 
Also. they are missing the point. They 
are taking intentional bad writing and 
g it on a very superficial level. 
dy 
by а comedian: 
istake. Who knows? 


critici, 


Some of the stuff is criticizable—n 


wants to read а ро 
maybe that was a 
ck you. 

PLAYBOY; You sound disturbed. 
MARTIN: Sce, I've rend 8,000,000 reviews 
of me, and in the past two years, I can 
see them start to change in attitude, In 
the beginning, 1 thought, Oh, boy, my 


first review, ГИ read it. But I don't want 
to be influenced by a review. And I 
found that you are influ 


is like bei 


87 


cism to do with the fact th 
made it so big? 

MARTIN: The presss attitude goes in а 
cycle. Right now, Em vulnerable to criti- 
cism because I'm at the top. It's now the 
thing to knock me down. But you know 
what happens? They don't criticize me, 
they criticize the audience for liking me. 
Its weird, it’s kind of a perverted way 
to criticize something. 1 have been mis- 
represented through criticism, which is 
the last way to understand something. 


t you've 


Especially something intended to be 
aesthetic. If we're going to criticize, 
then we all have to stand next to Leo- 
pelo or Mozart or 
Beethoven. And anything is going to 
look like shit next to that. So once you 
acknowledge that, then it's OK to go. 
“Well, I make little jokes.” 

PLAYBOY: What you're saying is that you 
feel a backlash. 

MARTIN: 1 sat down two years ago and I 


nardo or Michel 


те; for 
nnot criticize if there 
с 20,000 people there. Then the back- 
lash wil t. After the backlash is 
over, body mellow out and the 
truth will come out. And we don't know 
what the truth is. 

PLAYBOY: It's rath іс; here you 
at the very top of your profession, and 
you're sounding like an underdog. 
MARTIN: I'm beginning to understand 
that the underdog syndrome is impor- 
tant. The insult is in some ways as good. 
as the praise. Right now, Um being in- 
sulted. I need bad reviews as much. 
good ones. Because every time you get 
a bad review, someone out there rushes 


—— 
"I think Рт probably 
most sensitive to the 
criticism that my 
comedy is brainless, when 
I know it's not." 


to your defense. Somi 
tant than the rev 
sum 
PLAYBOY: Have you always gott 
career 


опе more impor 
ewer: the comedy con- 


1 good 


lvice? 


vas with William Mor- 
. I went in and told them I was leav- 
ing television writing to be a performer, 
They “Don't do it, you'll never 
make it" Which I loved. I Jove when 
they say you "t going to make it. 


7» like, Jesus Christ, Гуе seen that 
in 18 


novies. They told the guy he 
go it and he did. 
I part. of it. I almost felt like 
1 person watching it: Oh, finally 
d I'm not going to make it 
[Laughs] Rejection is part of your а 
complishments. 
PLAYBOY: You sound like a man who has 
lot of confidence in himself. 
MARTIN: Oh, yeah, 1 have a lot of confi- 
dence in my ability. In show business, if 
you dont think that you're going to 
make it, or if you don't think that you're 
at, you haven't got a chance. Because 
% too much working against you. 
There's too much shit to go through for 


seven years unless you think you're great 
You have to stand there and bomb for 
three years and think they don’t get it. 
When I started out, it was the thrill of 
not getting laughs. The thrill of making 
them go, "What?" more than getting 


laughs. D thought, Well, the least Fm 


doing is blowing their minds. 
PLAYBOY: What were some of the 
outrageous things you used to do: 
MARTIN: There was a time wh 
truly a wild and crazy guy. Ons 
after the show. Like, I used to 
the streets at u 
which 1 "t do now because of le; 
problems and because there're 12,000 
people now. In Nashville once, the 
police stopped me because we had 300 
people out on the street. The first time 
1 ever did that, L was working а college, 
150 seats, and the dressing room was on 
the stage. There was no way out except 
through the stage. I finished the show, 
went back in my dressing room and they 
were still sitting there me out 
they were still there, so we sort of w 
outside and I had them all get in an 
empty swimming pool. 1 swam across the 
top of them. 

At one club, I said, "Who's se 
belori A guy raised his hand. 
“Get up here and finish the act for ше. 
And Га go sit and he'd get up there. 
He'd stumble through some jokes and 
Id applaud and say, "Hey, this guy's 
great." It was real loose and funny. 
PLAYBOY: It also got a bit bizarre, didn't 
ie 
MARTIN: Y. 


audience into 


п. At the opening of my act 
at the Boarding House, the lights would 
go down. but | wouldn't go onstage. 
You'd just hear my voice saying. “They 
can't hear me, can they? I hate this 
audience. Why do I have to go out there? 
1 hate doing this. What in the hell am | 
Then I go on: "Hi, every 
the end of the 
"t hear me, 
bunch of 


show and ГА say, 
What а 
a! 

ез Td end the show, go back, 
change my clothes and be walking out 
when Fd stop and мап doing another 
act. Bill McEuen and 1 look back on it 
as the days wh 1 was really funny. 
Thats when we g comedy 
because we had nothing to lose. 
PLAYBOY: It was also when you opened 
for the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band. whose 
audiences weren't too receptive to your 
style of comedy 

MARTIN: Yes. It was the days of beer and 
drugs. The audience was not Into com 
edy, not into listening to someone talk 
not into giving a performer any courtesy 
at all. Even to the band. No respect 
almost. That's when 1 made а very im 
portant decision—that 1 was only going 
to headline: I'm never going to op 
another show. When youre opening, I 


they? assholes. 


сап 


were de 


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PLAYBOY 


100 


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don't care who you are, no onc comes to 
see you, You have to put your name up. 
I don't care if you're Bozo the Clown, il 
you put Bozo оп top at the Roxy and the 
Eagles below, hall the people there will 
be there to эсс Boro. That's psychology 
PLAYBOY: Before that decision, though, 
you worked а lot of hostile crowds. Did 
you ever get so angry that you just 
walked ой? 

MARTIN: It happened. Т was ап т.с. for 
а rock show outside New York, There 
were five bands. They introduced me 
and I walked on and there was no 
change in the din of the crowd, Finally 
I gave them the finger and walked ой 
Гус done that a couple of times: “Fuck 
you" and 1 walk off. 

Опе time | was standing doing my 
show and these four 16-year-olds are 
in the front row, yelling, "Quaaludes! 
Quaaludes!” to the point where it was 
interrupting the show severely. 1 
couldn't concentrate. No one else сап 
hear them but me, because theyre in 
the front row. They're just so excited 
about Quialudes that they have to call 
out the name. That's one of my great 
hatreds of performing live: the uncon 
wollable idiot іп the audience who 
throws off a show. There are loudmouths 
who have timing and you can use it to 
your advantage and there are loud 
mouths who don't have amy sense ol 
timing and will call out anything at any 
moment. Which totally frustrates the 
How of what you're doin 
PLAYBOY: It also allows you the oppor 
tunity to put them down, which usually 
goes over well. 

MARTIN: Sometimes, Like when someone 
starts talking to me, ГЇЇ say, "Oh, ГИ 
get my camera, this is great, I've neve 
had a picture of an asshole before. 
Usually, I mimic them. Someone inte 
тирі with, “Hey, Steve, how's it going? 
And ГИ say, “And the sad thing is he 
says that all the time, по matter where һе 
is. He just happened to be here and it 
happencd to fit їп. Bue wherever he 
at restaurants, anywhere, he always goes, 
"Hey, Steve, how's it going? 
me off. 

PLAYBOY: To the point that you want to 
stop perfoming liv 
MARTIN: Гус felt th; 
this. I'm not doing а carnival here. It's 
to be in front of 20,000 


nd someone's down at the foot 


"Te pisses 


way. 1 don't need 


harro 


people 
of the stage, smacking the floor with a 


gilt he has for me, And I'm supposed 
ul, a T-shirt 


Ic just 


to be gracious—oh, wonde 


with wi 


on it or something 
drives me nuts. 

One time a guy wanted to give me a 
T-shirt. He wrapped it up in a beer сап 
full of beer, and then he suddenly threw 
on the stage and the T-shirt flew off 
and the be 


cam hit me 


You don't know what's happening 
You think you're being killed. It's fright 
ening to have something thrown at you 


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102 


onstage. I had to leave the stage for that. 
The guy thought he was being nice, but 
it really freaks you out—your heart's 
pounding and you're flipped out. You 
can't see; all you know is that you're a 
target. It makes me afraid. The more it 
happens, the more you've got it in the 
back of your mind. Audiences are insan 
it's like a new kind of weird mass hys- 
teria. 

PLAYBOY: We've talked about audiences 
on the coasts, but what about your im- 
pressions of Middle America 
T remember when we did those 
tretch tours in the Midwest. we'd 
y, Thank God we don't have a day off. 


Because what do you do in Podunk for a 
? You get more depressed. The 
worst time is when you're sick—and you 
always get sick on the road. Or when 
you're nowhere. Nowhere is worse. 
"There's not a movie, there's not a T V, or 
it's off at ten. There're no people in town. 
PLAYBOY: What's the most nowhere place 
in America for you? 


MARTIN: Terre Haute, Indiana. Very 
іше main street. And literally not а 
restaurant with any good food. You'd go 


into whole towns where it's completely 
made of fast food. If you were looking 
for something to buy. just looking to 
ause yourself by buying something. 


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you'd walk down the street, there was 
nothing for sale. There was nothing of 


anything you'd want, They say you can 
always tell that you're somewhere when 
they h 


nanure ads on ТУ. [Laughs] 

: ng about those days now 
are the memories amusing to you? Are 
they the “good old days"? 

MARTIN: No. Because it was so hard and 
depressing and dreary. There's а real 
loneliness out there. Thats why you 
meet waitresses. It's depressing at night 
You feel so shitty in the morning and 
you can't figure it out. | couldn't put 
two and two together. Why am I de- 
pressed? I used to go home and I'd stink 
It took me a month to fi 
агепе smoke. In my h 
suitcase stinks and r 
money and you're living 
in the sleaziest hotel 

PLAYBOY: Is there anything going for you 
to make 


e out it was 


r, my clothes. 


eks and you 


don't have am 


when you're on the road tryin; 
ie 

MARTIN: The most thrillin, 
the audience is not laughing but you've 
got the waitresses 
and your manager lai 
said once, “1 was опма 
getting laughs, but 1 saw the waitress 
laughing, so I knew I was going to make 
it.” They've seen you several nights. now 
youre starting to make them laugh. A 
lot of comedy is that—getting used 10 
someone. 

PLAYBOY: Which is what people obviously 
did with you. 

MARTIN: But when I was 29, 30, I said. 
“Well, this is it, it’s not going to happen 
I'm not growing." Then I went to the 
Boarding House and it was sold out on 
а weekend. That was enough to keep me 
going. 

PLAYBOY: What would have happened to 
you had you not gotten the laughs? 
MARTIN: 1 was going to go further out. 
Become an artist totally. Not be con 
cerned with show business at all. There's 
nothing 1 really can do except this. 
PLAYBOY: Besides the laughs, what's the 
greatest rush you get when performing 
MARTIN: There's a real thrill of timing 
That's the greatest fun of all. When 
you're resting, waiting; you've got Ше 
next line in your head and you're just 
waiting for that little intimate moment 
And you know it’s right to say it. you 
know it's right to do this, to move your 
hands this way. Really flowing. Charged 
Like a ballet. Only you're using every- 
thing. It's not just dance, 
PLAYBOY: Have drugs ever 
sense of timing and control? 
MARTIN: 1 created а lot of my material 
when I was out of my mind. I learned 
how to play the banjo when I 
stoned, because you can sit there for six 
hours and listen to shit and you think 
its great. I wish it had an effect on me 
now like it did then, but it doesn't. It 


thing is when 


d the sound man 


ing. Bill Cosby 
с and I wasn't 


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PLAYBOY 


was making me lethargic. 

PLAYBOY: Are fans always trying to lay 
drugs on you? 

MARTIN: I'm really offended by people 
who come up and assume that you use 
cocaine or smoke dope and they're offer- 
ing it to you. First, they're idiots, they're 
out of their minds. And I got so turned 
off from the audiences at the rock con- 


Fm never going to end up like that 
idiot.” I'm against the symptoms of the 
drug ом „ when a guy is totally 
stupid. It's like the same hostility that I 
feel toward an absolute drunk. I know 
there are mature users of drugs that are 
aids to them, and sometimes I envy that. 
It would be great to get stoned, but I'm 
afraid of it, for one thing. It's like LSD. 
Га love to take LSD when I'm 60. When 
you've got nothing to lose. 

РІАҮВСҮ: In the days when you did get 
stoned, what kind of material were you 
writing? 
MARTIN: A lot of sketches for television. 
PLAYBOY: Did vou find TV writing haz- 
ardous to your mental health 
MARTIN: Yes and no. Television was a 
great discipline for me. You didn't have 
time to say one piece of poetry, it had 
to be a joke. The greatest thing 1 
learned was take out the crap. It's the 
greatest advice you сап give anybody. 
Lose it. Take it out. X it. And I learned 
the structure: it was my own structure 
for writing jokes. 

PLAYBOY: Was what you wrote often 
what actually appeared on the tube? 
MARTIN: Once you write a piece and 
think it’s funny, you hand it to а pro- 
and he changes it. Then you hand 
to the star and he changes it or doesn’t 
rehearse it and fucks it up so badly. 
hen the director shoots it and һе 
isses the joke. I сап remember stand- 
ing there, going, "Boy, are they screw- 
ing that.” Then it goes to postproduction 
and they sweeten it till there's no jokes 
left, no humor, no spontaneity, по 
charm, no mystery. Sometimes thc dis- 
nce [rom the printed page to what you 
see on the screen is so far that the joke's 
been homogenized and disappeared. 
PLAYBOY: You started writing for thc 
mothers Brothers at а very young age, 


ducer 


1 years old a 
“Write for 


4 suddenly 
television. 
noth- 
ers Brothers decided that year to get 
of all their old writers, meaning old in 
years, and hire all young people, 
got me and Carl Gotlieb, Bob 
John Hartford, Mason Williams and 
who was younger than I 
жаз. But I wasn't prepared cmotionally 
dle that challenge. 

PLAYBOY: What do you mean? 

MARTIN: E teamed up with Bob Einstcin 
the first day. He is a great comedy 
writer for television. He played Officer 


somebody said, 
га never written anything. The S 


104 Judy on the show. He used to make те 


laugh so hard I thought I was dying. I 
was going through my anxiety stage and 
Га be having these anxiety attacks 
laughing, he was so funny. 

PLAYBOY: What do you mcan by anxiety 
attacks? 
MARTIN: I was a little overwhelmed at 
that whole scene, being expected to write 
these hysterically funny bits. You never 
youre a good writer, you al- 
ways have the next thing to write. It's 
like youre only as funny as your last 
joke. That was always the feeling on the 
Smothers Brothers Show. You wrote a 
great sketch this week, now what's next? 
Т didn't know if I was capable. Even 
though it was proved, 1 didn't know 
what proof was then. 

PLAYBOY: Did you finally crack from the 
pressure? 

MARTIN: Yeah. 

PLAYBOY: And that's when you went to a 
psychiatrist? 

MARTIN: 1 was already seeing a shrink 
for the draft. I'm very practical about 
those things. 1 go, All right, I've got 
something, which was anxiety, so you 
read about it, find out what it is 
what causes it, and once you under 


~~ 
“I'm really offended by 
people who come ир and 
assume that you use 


cocaine or smoke dope." 


it, its not as fearful. And eventually, it 
ves because you understand it. 
PLAYBOY: Has anxiety left you? 
That kind of ansiety—intense, 
don't know what's happening, physical 
s pretty much gone. 
PLAYBOY: Did you stop working when 
that happened? 
MARTIN: No, I kept working, It bothered 
me for a long time, a couple of years, 
Like, I couldn't stay in a restaurant for 
more than five minutes or 1 couldn't go 
into public places. 1 couldn't go into à 
movie theater, I had to get ош. 1 was 
fearful. The definition of anxicty is fear 
without an object. Fear without some- 
thing threatening you. Or whatever is 
threatening you is so buried іп you 
subconscious, you don't know what it 
and you just have to escape. It's exactly 
the symptom you have that someone's 
ing you with a knife. Increased 
You're nervous. You don't 
know what youre going to do. Only 
someone's not charging you with a knife. 
PLAYBOY: Did you take anything (ог that? 
MARTIN: I used mild tranquilizers. 

Do the symptoms retum ос 
Ly? 
MARTIN: The only thing that bothers me 
now is when people look at me. It's just 
а matter of figuring out what the prob- 


Jem is now. Before, I was so optimistic 
all my life that I didn't realize 1 had a 
problem. And that’s what causes it— 
you're dismissing these little intimations 
that you have. What's more fearful w 
ску is fear of the symptoms’ stri 
again. That's the most frightening 
thing. Once you realize that the attack 
is harmless, you've made a big step. It's 
ue set of symptoms. I prepare 
y. “This is never going to 
d. 


myself: I s 
That way, Гус already fi 
And if it succeeds, then it's a bonus. 
PLAYBOY: You mentioned t you were 
already seeing a shrink because of the 
draft. Did your anxiety attacks keep you 
ош of the Army? 

MARTIN: Lers put it this way: ] had 
migraine headaches about the time I 
is about to be drafted. 1 went to the 
library and found out the symptoms for 
migraines. I was making enough money 
at the time to go to a shrink for two 
years 10 establish it. But it so happens I 


never could have gone into the Army, 
anyway. 

PLAYBOY: Why not? 

MARTIN: Because of my antiwar stance, 
my inability to kill someone and my 
lust for life. 

PLAYBOY: A lot of us feli that. None of 


those would have kept vou out. 

MARTIN: Lets put it this way: I would 
never have gone to Vietnam. I was pre- 
pared to leave the country. 

PLAYBOY: Did you cver participate in any 
antiwar protests: 

MARTIN: I don't like to go out in crowds, 
marches. As а 
writer the Smothers Brothers, we 
were doing a lot of antiwar commenta 
on TV. I felt I was serving through 
that show. 

PLAYBOY: What happened to that show? 
MARTIN: The Smothers Brothers were po- 
litically axed off CBS. I believe the Gov- 
ernment put pressure on CBS to get 
them off the air. Because the ratings 
were good, the show was good. They 
came up with a phony excuse; they said 
а show wasn't delivered on time. 
PLAYBOY: One show? 

MARTIN: Yeah. Like, two days late. And 
they canceled it. The Smothers Brothers 
were giving the Government a lot of shit. 
PLAYBOY: How did you reac 
MARTIN: It confirmed my dist 
Government and оГ burca 
reaucracy is the worst evil. 
PLAYBOY: After The Smothers Brothers, 
you wrote for a number of other shows, 
including Sonny & Cher amd Glen 
Campbell, Thar t last long, did it 
MARTIN: Bob Einstein and I wrote a lot 
of funny sketches for Sonny & Cher, and 
a lot of those monologs, which you al- 
ways tried to get out of writi 
Why? 

ause you're always stuck with 
the same thing, you always go out on the 
same short joke: a nose joke. The reason 
І went to that show is they told me I 


so I never showed up 
for 


of the 
cracy, Bu- 


PLAYBOY 


106 


could perform. I was rea 


to be a performer. I s 
I'm going to be there, 1 
write, too." I started writing and n 


appeared. Oh, I played a hea 
served on а silver tray, that did onc- 
liners. 
PLAYBOY: And how long did you last with 
Glen Campbell? 
MARTIN: I quit after 13 weeks. I realized 
1 was wasting my time, I was making 
$1500 a week, which was а lot of money, 
but after. The Smothers Brothers, where 
you were really encouraged to write 
hard-hitting satire, to then go and simply 
write comedy, it didn't appeal to me 
anymore. I wanted to perform. 
PLAYBOY: Which you did soon 
y shows did you do on 7 
MARTIN: I did a lot of Steve Allen shows. 
Probably 35 of those. I did Della Reese, 
Joey Bishop, Merv Griffin. I've b. 
TV a lot, probably 500 times. The To- 
night Show at least 35 or 40 times. When 
1 fast did The Tonight Show, 1 thought, 
That's it. But it wasn't. Î realized. after 
I'd done the show 15 times, I got recog- 
nized only once in the street. Then the 
next ten times they were going, “Oh, this 
guy.” Then the next ten times, it was 
teve something.” 
PLAYBOY: What’s the craziest thing you've 
ever done on The Tonight Show? 
MARTIN: I had a couple of bits I rather 


one 


ter, How 


n on 


liked, a long time ago. One was a comedy 
act for dogs. 

PLAYBOY: You told jokes for dogs? 
MARTIN: Yeah. The other bit л 

the phone book to make people la 
You always hear that Olivier could ғ 
the phone book and make people cry, so 
I figured without any props or gimmicks, 
I could make them laugh by reading the 
phone book, So I'd pick up and 
go: “Aaron Adams, 612 North Freder 
ick Street.” There wouldn't be a laugh, 
“Bill Bosack, 617 North Atlantic.” No 
laughs. I took out my arrow and put it 
on. Then I'd read a sillier name. " Mary 
Ann Pinball, 62. . . ." By the end of the 
thing, 1 was waving toothpicks Irom my 
head and holding up rubber chickens 
and then, finally, ГА say, "Don't look at 
me, I didn't write this shit." I thought 
it was hysterical. But it was the last time 


a boo 


I appeared with Johnny for a long while. 

PLAYBOY: Because he didn't think you 

were funny? 

MARTIN: Maybe my skills weren't devel- 
рса 


псе. 


oped enough to warrant а те 
Which may have been (гис. Because I'd 
sit on the panel and I'd be uncomfort 
able and he'd be uncomfortable. So why 
should he waste time talking to те? But 
Carson has respect for the agony of com- 
сау. Whatever his ego is, ИЗ not ego 
mania. Whatever he feels about you, if 
he hates you or likes you, he will always 
give you the break as a comedian. He also 


saves your ass. Sometimes my mind will 


nd he'll have 
you're 
nk you thank you 


sit there completely blar 
something to talk 
going, “Thank you t 


about and 


thank you 
PLAYBOY: Carson has commented on 
your comedy: “Не has a likable comedic 
that's well done, but it can be 
limiting. He's been doing it for a while. 
What flashes through your mind when 
you hear Carson say that? 

MARTIN: The thing that instantly comes 
to mind is: Is he right? I read that com 
ment, and at the time, I had coming out 
a book, a movie and a record. All expan- 
sive material. 11% 
same. So I answered the question in my 
own head. 

PLAYBOY: You don't [car becoming a cliché? 
MARTIN: I fear so much becoming a cliche 
that I don't think it will happen to me. 
When my act started, I was а left tum. 
from everything that was goin 


style .. 


the 


not rcmainin 


on, and 
t. Cruel 
Shoes was a left turn [rom what I'd been 
doing. The third album was a left turn 
Aud The Jerk is not so much a left turn, 
but irs me in a completely different 
environment. I intend to make more left 
turns, 

PLAYBOY: Could onc of them possibly һе 
taking over The Tonight Show when 
Carson leaves? 

MARTIN: No. [t would put an end to what 
my goals are in show business, and that’s 


I had the courage then to do 


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10 make funny movies. You can't make 
funny movies if you're working five day 
a week. Also, [ could never The 
Tonight Show, because Vd always be 
doing my own version of what Carson 
does, and anyone who does that is an 
which ; unbe- 
ble. The real thrill of hosting The 
Tonight Show is gettin 


host 


imitator 


is so wrong it's 


g to go out and 
act like Johnny Garson. You sit at the 
panel and you try to come up with a 
wit › 
uy to make а look like Johnny would. 
That's the real truth. It’s like a goal, 
somchow, in show business is to be able 
to do what Johnny Carson does, as just 
sort of your og ot things you do. 
PLAYBOY: What about a TV series? 
that ever been a temptationz 
MARTIN: About three years ago, 1 turned 
down an appearance on somebody's 
show. There was an option in there for a 
series. Whoah! I'd be fucked right now 
if I had an option for a series. 

PLAYBOY: What if it turned into some- 
thing like Mork & Mindy? 

MARTIN: I'm пог taking anything away 
from Robin Williams, because T think 
he’s outstanding on that show. If I'd 
been in Robin Williams’ position, 1 
would have taken that show. Because he 
was less along at that time than I was at 
this other time. That's а way in. But now 
J just wouldn't want to do that weekly 


is 


like Johnny would have, you 


Has 


piece of shit 
have to be a piece of shit, but the odds 
are it will be a piece of sl 
PLAYBOY: How do you feel about Salur- 
day Night Live? 

MARTIN: Oh, I love that. Saturday Night 
reaches my people. 1 work real well with 
[Radner] and with Aykroyd: the 
stry works. D haven't 
done that much with [John] Belushi, 1 
love Murray 

PLAYBOY: Are they friends or is it strictly 
professional? 

MARTIN: I [ecl some of them are friends. 
We get along real well, with mutual 
respect. They have their own lives that 
Ги never be a part of. Its hard to get to 
know Belushi. I get along with Aykroyd 
real well, but I know theres a point 
where D stop in his realm, his world. 
Hes like | was ten years ago. He's 
tuned in to certain things that vou 
really can't share, I'm not going to take 
Danny to “2I"—although I've never 
been to "PI"—but he wouldn't enjoy 
that. One time I said to Danny, "Let's 
go to Saks Fifth Avenue and get some 
clothes." He said, "I'm not into clothes." 
PLAYBOY: Who thought up the two Czech 
brothers routine? 
MARTIN: My character wi 
he wasn't Czechoslovakian. Then Danny 
w the act and he said. "Lets do 
Czechoslovakian, two Middle European 


And it doesn't necessarily 


oncamera 


in my act, but 


brothers." It was esse 


ially his idea to 
put them together as brothers. 

PLAYBOY: How long did it ta 
routine working 

MARTIN: Instant We just started talking. 
We were laugh 
laughing wi 


10 get the 


ng at rehearsal, we were 
а we read it, we thought it 
was hysterical. Repetition sold it, I think 
PLAYBOY: Do vou think you could put 
that kind of comedy into a film? 

MARTIN: I'd like to do me. Belushi and 
Aykroyd as The Three Caballeros 
[Sings] “We are three caballeros, three 
gay caballeros.” 

PLAYBOY: Could you get them to agree? 
MARTIN: Nah. That's a long way olf. T 
don't think we could ever get the three 
of us on mutual deals. You've got to 
commit yourself зо totally—it’s a year 
Then you start thinking, Do I want to 
work with Belushi for a year? 

PLAYBOY: When you first appeared on 
Saturday Night Live, vour Lather wr 
in а local newsletter that that show set 
back your career five years. Did that 
bother уо! 
MARTIN: Fi it irritated me. Instead 
of encouragement, you get an insult. 
They would have liked it if I had been 
n entertainer they could take home to 
Texas and show around. one who didn't 
say fuck. As it turns ош. I do say fuck 
so they can't take me completely hack to 
Texas. 


PLAYBOY: Your mother told a reporter 107 


PLAYBOY 


that you should get some new writers. 
Does she know, now, that you write your 
own П ial? 
MARTI! think she does. I don’t bother 
to explain most of the time. It makes 
you a little angry or hurt sometimes. I 
keep telling them, "Don't do articles in 
the paper and don't publicize who you 
are." I fear that. 
PLAYBOY: Why? 
MARTIN: They got an obscene phone call 
one time about ше. Some girl called 
them and said I was a faggot. That's 
evil. I was really upset. A sick person. to 
call someone's mother. And tell her all 
these lies. Just pure lies, and hate. 
PLAYBOY: In some of your routines, you 
е jokes about your mother—borrow- 
ing ten dollars, making her carry your 
bar bells to the attic—but you've never 
joked about your father. How come? 
MARTIN: I guess it's because the mother 
is so vulnerable. Like, the attitude of 
those routines is that 1 was so sick that I 
would do that to my mother. And you 
wouldn't do that to your father, because 
he was stronger 
PLAYBOY: Would you say you've alw 
ted to win your father's approval 
more than anyonc clse's? 
bsolutely. You know, you're 
ing to please you id, to get 
al from Daddy. Which is ОК, 
because it motivates me. There's the 
symbolic father that I'm working for 
when I write a screeny І may want 
approval from Carl Reiner or from the 
producer. The symbolic father is my 
own knowledge of the greamess that 
exists in the world and in art, so maybe 
when Fm finished, Fm thin OK, 
T. S. Eliot, is this OK? That's why I'm 
always slightly ashamed ol certain things 
that I do. I know they don't live up to 
the standard that's been set. 
PLAYBOY: Getting back to your rc: 
ther, do you think you've got h 
proval by now? 
MARTIN: Oh, yeah, I have his approval 
now. My parents have become closer 
since I've been successful. Success has 
vindicated me, in а way. I can go back 
10 them with pride and they ca 
proud. 
PLAYBOY: Do they comprehend what's 
happened to you? 
MARTIN: They don't understand the evil 
side of people. They haven't been at a 
rabs you and 
won't let go or you feel a little bit of that 
teror. They're oblivious to it. We'll go 
for a drive and my mother will say, 
“Let's stop here and get out. You walk 
on the street and we'll watch the people 
look at you." [Laughs] 
PLAYBOY: What else have you given them, 
besides pride? 


appro 


concert when somebody 


MARTIN: The a house and I'm mak- 
g the p But 1 want to throw 
them ont and raise the rent 


How d 


PLAYBO they feel about you 


108 when you were a kid? 


MARTIN: I think my parents would agree 
there wasn't much camaraderie in my 
family. Discipline was part of my grow- 
ing up. 

PLAYBOY: Did you and your family fight 
much? 

MARTIN: Not fighting, 
Orange County Ы 
PLAYBOY: Orange County and Disney- 
land apparently had a big influence on 
you, especially since you worked at the 
Magic Kingdom from your tenth to your 
18th year. Is Disneyland where you 
learned to hate people: 

MARTIN: I hated waiting on pcople. It 
drove me nuts. The stupidity. They used 
to ask me, "How much is that 25-cent 
thing?” 1 just made а vow that I was 
never going to work with the public on 
that kind of level again. Boy, I hated it! 

PLAYBOY: Have you ever gone back there? 
MARTIN: Yeah, and I've never forgiven 
Disneyland for what happened. ] had 
really felt like a part of Disneyland from 
1955 till I quit in 1963; it was а real part 


no. Just kind. of 


of my youth, I went back there one time 


with long hair and they wouldn't let 
me in. 1 felt like, “You assholes, you're 
really Fascists.” After Walt Disney died, 
everything started changing. 

PLAYBOY: When Cruel Shoes was pub- 
lished, Putnam put out a press release 
that said, “Тһе Disneyland style of en- 
tertainment—clean, unbitter and some- 
how very free—iniluenced Martin 
throughout his development as ап art- 
ist." Do you артее with tha 
MARTIN: I don't think my comedy is to 
ly unbitter. There's a lot of bitter 
cynicism in it. 

PLAYBOY: What about one critic's remark 
that you're the John Denver ol comedy? 
MARTIN: I think they're implying that 
that’s an insult. I'm not into est. 
PLAYBOY: Do you consider yourself an 
Orange County conservative? 
MARTIN: What does that mean? When 1 
grew up, 1 was never taught racial preju 
dice. We never discussed “Je 
ger." Tha 


ish, 
never came up. So 1 walked 
out when I was 21 and 1 didwt know 


you weren't supposed to 
blacks. It was news to me. 
PLAYBOY: You've been described as the 
Great WASP Hope. Why do you sup 
pose comedy has been dominated by 
minorities? 

Jews are very smart. people and 
takes smariness. They are more 
g people. WASPs are nadition- 
ally barbecues. Richard Pryor does it 
perfectly, Maybe that's why there have 
been two great black stand. 
dians: Cosby and Pryo 


e Jews or 


p come- 
Their whole life 


style 


was outgoin 


al quiet, But the WASPS in the country 
eed а WASP. Let me rephrase that. 1 
don't call myself a WASP, because that 
implies that I'm a Protestant. Or was. 
[Laughs] 1 don't take any racial pride 


in my WASPness. I don't even cor 
myself а WASP. That term is deroga- 
tory. It implies simplicity and propriety, 
and I don't think of myself like thar. Do 
you know how many WASPS it takes to 
screw in a light bulb? 

PLAYBOY: How many? 

MARTIN: Three. One to screw in the 
light bulb, one to mix the martinis and 
onc to turn on the SC game. 

PLAYBOY: You commented befor bout 
Richard Pryor's doing the WASP per- 
fectly. Are you that white m: 
MARTIN: Yeah. But it doesn’t inhibit me. 
My comedy is definitely linked to the 
white ma 
PLAYBOY: Didn't you, your ma 
a sound е сег take 
to New Orleans, recor 


гапа 
train from L.A. 
g adlib bits 


for some future record called. While 
Man’s Ғасайо! 
MARTIN: Yeah, We were nuts, It was 


never Гог a record, we had an idea to do 
documentary comedy, like a documen- 
1, only we were trying to make it 
Some of it worked. Like, I had. 
one idea to go to Juarez, to the shops, 
where if something's $20, you end up 
buying it for two. We actually recorded 
this. I said to a shop owner, "Tell me 
the price for that hat." “Four dolla I 
said, “I'll give you six." The guy said, 
“No.” I said, "ГИ give you eight." He 
was lost. Finally, after ten dollars. he 
goe OK." I gave him ten dollars. 
We did it a couple more times and 1| 
he had me: “Do you want to buy a comb? 
Do you want to buy . -. 2% It went on 
and on. The mikes were hidden, but the 
piece never came off on tape, we had 
some technical problems. While Man's 
Vacation is a five-minute picce we re- 
corded on the train. We had a 
black porter who was a little 
and it inspired us to do this piece one 
i We turned out all the lights in this 
rument and we sat thi and 
те and I ad-libbed the whole 
piece, where I played a militant black 
porter and Bill played the innocent 
white man on vacation. It was going to 
be on Comedy Is Not Pretty. but we 
decided to cut it [rom that record. 

PLAYBOY: Wh: 


MARTIN: А lot of reasons. I've always 
been nervous about the language at the 
end—the way it was delivered. It is very 


hard. We just made a decision that we 
were going to make a record that is all 
dirty, put it all on one record. Besides. 
the piece didnt fit on the album. Would 
you like to hear it? 
PLAYBOY: Why not? 

[In his bedroom, Martin puts а tape 
on his stereo set. The sound of a train 
can be heard. Martin sets up the routine 
by talking of how wonderful it is to 
have an opportunity to talk to some of 
the porters who have worked on the 
trains for so long. Bill McEuen's voice 
straight questions 


comes im, asking 


n the night before Christmas 


6 Т got some advice 


Tor those who've naughty instead of nice. 
should, to the 
lp ut ooh 
. Mil Makes т ch mai kes you vit to die 
pine ec and mom’ pumpkin рі. 
т ае : 
up, Santas been here, 
The ae ea The sound eal C ian) 
beyond all be 2 ese. 


Because ІН) 


Thats hy thisseason Wey eei EB 
: . g үн 
S АЛАН i 


ing the service, 
first-class-service car. Martin, іп charac 


the superfirst class and. the ultrasuper 
first class. In other words, 
the shits 


sonic 


PLAYBOY 


йе... 
leans and L.A. 


That is the 
boy.” 
asks what he 
ler answer 
and dig it. 


nd of s 


supposed to do. The por 


Martin's voice changes to a high-pitched, 
twangy militant black man's. Question- 
McEuen asks if it’s a 


ler, answers: “That's right. Then we got 


you's in 
You have got the shits serv- 
It is 36 hours between New Or- 
and in your room, 
you can't flush a toilet that whole time. 
vice you got, white 
McEuen, as the white vacationer, 


“You just got to sit there 
McEuen asks if he can get 


off. The porter says, “No way, man, you 
is in prison. Once you pay your money, 
we have gol you. You may even die on 
this trip. If you don't die . . . you are go- 
ing to get scurvy, because we ain't giving 
you any oranges or apples.” The porter 
then tries to excuse himself, because, * 
have to go up to the superdeluxe ultra- 
first-class and clean out their toilets with 
my tongue.” McEuen laughs. The porter 
says, “You beller laugh now, ‘cause in 
about two hours, you aren't going to have 
any lips . . . we are going to serve them 
10 the white people up in the [ront cars." 
As а last request, McEuen asks if the 
porter can unlock the bunk bed, to 


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which the porter responds, “You 
take this and shove it in your goddamn 
motherfuckin’ white ass, you shithole 
white man. I will come in there and take 
McEucn 
says to forget it. The көшіне ends with 
the porter saying, “No, man, listen, 1 
want lo serve you."] 

PLAYBOY: We can sce why you're a little 
nervous about releasing that. Ir seems 
10 get racist. 

MARTIN: I don’t think it's racist at all. It 
is just funny. Thin-skinned people are 
going to get uptight about it. The truth 
is it puts down white people. It takes 
a militant black point of view. 1 guess 
I will have to take some shit for it. 
though. But Richard Pryor docs white 
people. 

PLAYBOY: Do you sce 
between you and Pryor? 
MARTIN: Richard Pryor and I do two 
completely different things. He is a 
greal stand-up comedian, a true artistic 
personality and the smoothest stand-up 
thinker. His performance is more stun- 
ning when you consider that he laid oll 
for a long time, then came back with a 
completely new show. 1 mean 
word [rom his old stuff. Pryor 
sciously reduced the size of his theaters 
to 3500-, 5000-seaters. Не came to me 
one time after he saw me in Chicago and 
he said. “I used to work at these big 
places, but it way like stealing. Half the 
people can’t see you." He's right Т said 
“Well, Гта just going to steal for another 
couple of months." 1 
Richard Pryor 
same breath and say. 
comedy today." 
Richard Pryor. 
PLAYBOY: What happened to Lily? 
MARTIN: Lily has the artist mentality 
she'll 


can 


that bed, you asshole mutha.” 


апу similarities 


not one 
has con- 


used to mention 
and Lily Tomlin in the 
“That's it, that's 
But now I tend to say 


ways be in show business and 


her career will rise and fall, dependin 
on how good her 


project is. She's the 
female Richard Pryor, although Rich- 
ard’s talent is impetuous, more 
forceful, 1 
PLAYBOY: That's how you once felt about 
Lenny Bruce, isn't it? 

MARTIN: 1 о to sleep listening 
to Bruce's records. 1 1 fist 
heard the name Lenny Bruce and they 
said he was dirty. 1 said, "Aw, it’s just a 
tick, some comedian’s out being dirty 
and it's a р hook.” Then I saw 
him on the news. He was speaking at 
Long Beach State, doing his bit about 
defending his act. He was being pros- 
есшей at the time and he had to cop. 
He wrote down his act and had to go to 
the judge and do it. I thou 
not dirty. Then 1 started 
his records and I realized how great he 
He was a funny not a 
al person. Most. of his records are 
pod, funny bits. A master. 
ed. A dialecticam. Bruce is like 


шөге 
ore satirical, 


used to 


remember 


it's a 


listening 10 


was 
polit 
just 

ciplin 


person, 


undis- 


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PLAYBOY 


112 Chevy Chase, he was an actor. He 


Richard Pryor to me. His punch line 
isn't motherfucker. Не was firing this 
chorus girl: “АП right, youre fired, pack 
up your cunt and get out of here. 
That's а good joke. That's not profan 
He was talking like people talk. He 
naturally used language, naturally used 
profanity. Then, suddenly, he’s put in 
a position to defend it. It's like wearing 
Bermuda shorts. You walk in and some- 
body goes, “What are those?” And you 
didn't even think about it. You go, "It's 
OK to wear Bermuda shorts, because it’s 
hot out.” You have to make up a reason 
It's like me being in a position to have 
to defend not being political in my act. 
Huh? You know, just a minute, let me 
think up а reason. 

PLAYBOY: Who are some of the comedi. 
who tickle your funny bone? 
MARTIN: Well, I grew up listening to 
Bruce, Nichols and May, Jack Benny, 
Red Skelton. Steve Allen was my great 
love, he was the fastest ad-libber in the 
West; there's nobody faster. I like 
Rodney Dangerfield. Andy Kaufman 
Robin Williams on Mork & Mindy 
makes me laugh. Bill Cosby made me 
laugh. David Brenner, Henny Young. 
man. Поп Rickles is funny. He's like 
Scotch, it's an acquired taste. Sid Caesar 
makes me laugh. And Soupy Sales. 
PLAYBOY: Soupy Sales? 

MARTIN: I love him. I think the format 
ol show is fantastic. You don't see 
anybody. you see a hand, a puppet. It 
just strikes me as clever. The jokes 
stupid and every 20th joke you laugh. 
And he doesn't саге. I love the back- 
ground of the crew laughing. 

PLAYBOY: What about Monty Python? 
MARTIN: Makes me fall down and laugh. 
I think that’s the greatest comedy of 
our time, 

PLAYBOY: Is there a West Coast and East 
Coast brand of comedy? Newsweek. Гог 
instance, called you the “ultimate West 
Coast wacko," as opposed to the "arch 
тура! East Coast neurotic, Woody Allen.’ 
MARTIN: 1 think my comedy's West Coast, 
whatev that means. If we were to 
ast Coast comedy, it's morc 
lytical. We're all starting at 
point: We're all depressed. 
Now, the East Coast approach is to show 
depression, investigate it, lear 
it, talk about it. The West Coast's 
ich to say. “We're not de- 
pressed." It's to be depressed and to cov- 
cr it up and go along and act as though 
you're not depressed. 

PLAYBOY: We asked you belore about 
possible es to Pryor; what about 
ilarities to Chevy Chase? 

MARTIN: Yeah, we have similarities. But 
it’s one guy stealing from 
It’s coincidental, we're reacting 
ilar times. 1 liked to watch Chevy 
on Saturday Night, he was real likable, 
a charmer, very funny. In Foul Play, he 
was totally underdirceted. He wasn’t 


being kind to the director and playing 
is script, rather than being what Chevy 
capable of doing. 

Did you audition for that role? 
MARTIN: I read for Foul Play. 
Why did you say no? 
MARTIN: I didn't say no. They 
Do you feel lucky? 
MARTIN: Made me realize I don't want to 
do murder mysteries. [Laughs] 

PLAYBOY: Back to some of your peers. 
What about George Carli 
MARTIN: You have to give Carlin a lot 
of credit. He came along as the hip come- 
dian, but he still made people laugh. He 
never lost his sense of humor. He is real 
funny. I started out when there were no 
comedians, except Carlin. But I was still 
working before Carlin came along, too, 
around "66, that's when I really started 
working, and there was nobody to aspire 
to. Looking back, I'm proud of that. I 
lone. 105 a ter of 
pride. There's also а lot of ego in that 
opinion. 

PLAYBOY: Do you think Andy Kaufman 
could have made it without your having 
paved the way, in a sense? 

MARTIN; Kaufman's real funny. but he's 


i no. 


“The East Coast approach 
isto show your depres- 
sion. The West Coast's 

is to be depressed and 
to cover it up." 


not for everybody. When he read The 
Great Gatsby on Saturday Night, it had 
me on the floor. I feel like I am the 
link for the normal audience to unde: 
stand Andy Andy is where 1 
may have gone if this never worked. 1 
feel like 1 made a step in the direction 
of that comedy. A contributor. Kaub 
man’s got enough entertainment. value 
to make his art watchable. 

PLAYBOY: What about Martin Mull? 
MARTIN: I love Martin Mull. He’ 


ng business 
shoes and I was w 


aring а suit with ten 

nis shoes. 1 thought, Why do it h 
n 1 got into the whi 

һе 1 thought it was new 

ent. I realize now it was just another of 

those things that John. Lennon did five 


assed? Th 


arlier. 
5 Do you th 
т than women? 
MARTIN: Not necessarily. Lily Tomlin 
proved that women can be funny. The 
problem is that the women comedians 
are emulating шеп, and it doesn’t work 
that way. Someone is going to come 


that men are 


along and be a woman comedian. 
There've been as many funny women 
in movies as there have been men. or 
even more. Like Judy Holliday, Marilyn 
Monroe, 

PLAYBOY: Rodney Dangerfield thinks it's 
more acceptable for а man to be a 
comedian than a woman, 

MARTIN: It's truc. The tradition of being 
a comedian is being hard sell. Having to 
really sell the material. And the female 
tradition is being soft and vulnerable. 
The two haven't met. Pretty soon they 
ill. Because the tradition of women 
being soft and vulnerable will become 
less signi п people's minds once 
the old people die off. Also, someone will 
figure out they don't have to have the 
hard sell It's now permissible for a 
woman to be a comedi 
PLAYBOY: But could a woman do your 
act? Could a woman be outrageous and 
dumb and get away with i? 

MARTIN: Elaine May pulled it off. She 
played dumb and she played smart and 
she played pseudosophisticated іп a style 
that really worked all the w So it's 
already been done, it’s just a matter of 
being donc on a large scale. 
PLAYBOY: What do you think of Carol 
Burnett? 

MARTIN: 1 Reiner says she’s the best 
sketch player who ever lived. [ said, 
"Even better than Lucille Ball?” But 
Lucille Ball wasn't really a sketch plaver, 
she was working in one sketch every week. 
PLAYBOY: So who's Ше queen of comedy 
10 you? 

MARTIN: Gilda Radner is the queen of 
the female comedians to me. Gilda has 
the future. Her talent is so deep. She 
should do movies. She made a great com- 
ment about comedy one time. She said 
comedy was having your pants down 
around your ankle 
PLAYBOY: One comic whom we haven't 
touched upon but who might be consid- 
егей a predecessor of your brand of hu 
Jerry Lewis. What do you think 


Lewis is a real 
comedy genius. The movies of the Fifties 
with Jerry Lewis are 90 percent master- 
pieces of comedy. He always got a little 
sentimental at some point, which always 
turned me olf, but there were great jokes 
and he was really in control. I'm talking 
about the movies he did by himself, like 
The Bellboy, The Errand Boy and The 
Nutty Professor. Funny movies. Some- 
times I'm onstage and 1 feel myself doing 
someone. Its that little moment when 
you say, “I got that from a Jerry Lewis 
movie. Or from Jack Benny.” 


PLAYBOY: What do you think happened 
to Lewis? 
MARTIN: From what I hear, he got very 


the lord 
t speak 
ase his accomplish 


difficult to work with. He wa 
and master of comedy 
against him, bec 
ments affected me and what stopped his 
accomplishments didn’t affect me. Jerry 


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Lewis always greased his hair back. What 
would have happened if, when the 5 
Чез came along, 
hair Jong, combed it over with the dry 
look? Maybe he'd still be funny. Who 
knows? 

PLAYBOY: ice you're speculating, we'd 
like to ask you about Freddie Prinze. Do 
you think you could have handled suc- 
cess at the age he had to, 22? 

MARTIN: I'm so glad it didn't happen to 
me then, because І wouldn't have had 
the experience to back up Ше demands 
that have been made on me. If I had to 
go to Vegas. like he did, when 1 was 21, 
s] -. Ға kill myself. That would have 
been a terrible pressure. I think the rea- 
son Freddie Prinze killed nself was 
because he had a gun in his hand. Не 
never should have had a gun. That kind 
of thing should be outlawed. That's why 
1 won't have a gun around here. Because 
1 get depressed. 

PLAYBOY: Would you say that the pres- 
sures of being a stand-up comedian are 
greater than most other arcas of show 
business? 

MARTIN: Stand-up comedy is the hardest 
job in show business. There's no musi 
you can't sing for three minutes, there's 
no room for failure. Missing a joke or a 
mistimed joke or a failed laugh reduces 
the audience's confidence in you. Now, 
they have to evaluate whether something 
is funny. "That's why it's so difficult, be- 
cau there's never a chance to fail. 
You're literally hanging on every word. 
Or being hung on every word. 

PLAYBOY: What do you feel when you're 
out there performing? 

MARTIN: Fear is the biggest thing I feel 
out there. There's no fun, it’s all work 
onstage. And you are always in danger of 
losing control. Every second you're on, 
you're on trial. I think of it as an enemy. 
As a challenge. 

PLAYBOY: Does that mean you don't want 
to perform live anymore? 

MARTIN: Stand-up comedy is transient. 
History shows that you can stand up for 
so long; after that, you're asked to sit 
down. To me, the object was to get out 
of stand-up and go into movies. А movie, 
a record, television, they're always new. 
The stand-up is such a tough thing. 
there's a tendency to leave it the same 
because it works. I just can't leave it the 
same anymore, for my own head. 
PLAYBOY: On the tour you recently com: 
pleted, how much material was new? 
MARTIN: About 75 percent, but people 
still think they have heard it before, 
which I knew would happen. Why 
should I make up а new act? It doesn’t 
prove anything: it's going to be more of 
the same. 1 can’t change it. I can't make 
it 100 percent different. It's impossible. 
So why even do it? After one show, I 
started getting very depressed. I could 
tell the show was slipping away. At 


points, I thought, This is ridiculous. To- 
ward the end of the act, I thought, 1 
can't believe I'm out here. I felt like the 
worst amateur in the world. 

PLAYBOY: What has that taught you about 
success and failure? 

MARTIN: That if you're struggling to do 
the best you possibly can all the time, 
you'll fail 50 percent of the time. See, 
success in comedy has to do with 
something other than how good you arc. 
PLAYBOY: When did you feel you'd finally 
made it? 

MARIIN; To us comedians, the proof of 
when you're big is when you start draw- 
ing. My manager and I have іп ou 
ds the date when I first played the 
thy Chandler Pavilion in Los An- 
geles. It was 1976 or "77. 1 thought they 
were crazy to book me there. It seated 
3500 and the most I had played was 500. 
But it sold out. I had done Saturday 
Night Live, hosted The Tonight Show 
and then did the Dorothy Chandler Pa- 
vilion. But in terms of fame, Abe Vigoda 
as famous as І am. He was seen by 
20,000,000 people every week for how- 
ever long his series lasted. No one’s more 
famous than TV stars. We're not talking 
about quality now, we're just talking 
about fame. There's still a lot of audi- 
ence out there for me to reach yet. I 
think a lot of people never heard of me, 
because I haven't been on prime-time 
ТУ that much. Kids come up to me, their 
parents send them over, they say, "That’s 
Steve Martin, get his autograph.” The 
kid doesn’t know, he comes over to the 
table and he asks Bill McEuen for his 
autograph. [Laughs] I know John Len- 
non couldn't walk down the street. 1 
can walk down the street. I don't think 
I'm at the height of my career yet. 
PLAYBO I, there are things about 
being famous that you resent, such as 
people staring at you or telephoning you. 
MARTIN: It’s the loss of your mental pri- 
vacy. Your last privacy. The biggest loss 
is that you can't go anywhere and be an 
observer. Or have fun like everybody 
else. You can't go to Disneyland. You 
can't go to a park. You can't go to the 
zoo, which 1 love. When you start to do 
this, you're not thinking about, Wait, I 
better not write this joke, because I 
might get so famous that I won't be able 
to walk down the street. All you're think- 
ing about is writing the joke and getting 
a laugh. Even if I got out of the business 
now, it's with me for the rest of my life. 
Think of the people who are famous and 
who are bothered just as much as I am 
who aren't making money. Like Nixon. 
I mean, he's not making 5100.000 а day. 
Or some minor political figure. Ralph 
ler. He's got people coming and 
bothering him, and he's not making 
$100,000 а day. Think if 1 had to go 
through this for 
PLAYBOY: But for a price, you're willing 


to put up with the hazards of fame. 
MARTIN: Sure, I'll be famous for that 
of money. 

PLAYBOY: What kind of money are we 
talking about? 

MARTIN: I don't work on a guarantee, I 
work on a percentage. For a while, | was 
really pulling in a lot of money per 
ht. There was a time when J earned 
$1,000,000 in two weeks. 1 did two days 
at the Nassau Coliseum in New York and 
made about $840,000. 

PLAYBOY: That is a lot of money. What 
did you do with it? 

MARTIN: Started lighting it up. [Laughs] 
You only get what you 
draw. It's like Albert Brooks's joke 
Neil Diamond, who'd do a concer 


ind 


stars are the richest people in show bu 
ness. Think of Ва 
be incredibly rich. The money never 
stops. Every half year, they must be send- 
ing him $3,000,000, $5,000,000. 

PLAYBOY: Did your sudden wealth sour 
old relationships? 

MARTIN: Yes. Money gets people more 
than anything. I know people who genu- 
inely were disturbed by my success. And 
not exclusively show-business people. I 
mean old friends. 

PLAYBOY: At [cast you've been up front 
about it—you've even incorporated your 
love of moncy into your act. 

MARTIN: I had joke where E say, "I 
love bread.” АП it was was a lead in to a 
routine. Then I read it quoted, “Steve 
loves попсу, loves bread." It was just a 
joke. It’s like saying, "Steve gives his cat 
a bath with his tongue.” 

PLAYBOY: Arc you saying you don't love 
money? 

MARTIN; I don't love it, no. It's a sales 
tool. My manager may say that to some- 
body to get more moncy. 

PLAYBOY: How are your record and movie 
deals constructed? 

MARTIN: Bill's biggest contribution to my 
career was that when we made it, wc 
were totally independent, with not one 
contract signed to anybody. Not record. 
, not agencies, not anything. 
Bill made the Warner Bros. deal, the 
record deal, the movie deal, all the big 
deals. Marty Klein, my agent, was really 
responsible for personal appearances, a 


lot of top television. He got me on The 
Tonight Show, on Saturday Night. 
Those were his critical contributions 


PLAYBOY: And didn't you and McEuen 
buy Klein a Rolls-Royce? 
MARTIN: Marty had always kidded that 
"Someday you'll buy me a Rolls-Royce.” 
„ since he had really helped our ca- 
reers, we did. That was our joke. 
PLAYBOY: Do you give money to any 
charities? 
MARTIN: I don't believe in organized char- 
ity. 1 mistrust them. I always think the 
(continued on page 190) 


15 


herein ЖЕТЕН been called ` Qux 

‘the 2 country’s gay mecca; the straight. community 

finally lets its fear and loathing : 
out of the closet 


THE SAN FRANCISCO. 
‘EXPERIENCE 


s a by NORA GALLAGHER 


TH BROKEN GEASS оп Ше steps of City , 


^ Hall was two inches deep. Four. Hmès of 
` police—men; actually; . dressed -in heavy 
shirts; sonic wearing bulletproof vests; 
carrying three-foot batons across their 
chests, theif-faces hidden behind visors of 
‘plastic—stood-in the glass, ducking 
tics, cans, rocks and -pieces of cement 


Lot». 


garbage bins that had beeh torn аран 


“Бу the “crowd. A hystérical policeman 


shorted; "Did you see them throw every 
fucking thing at us апа из under orders 


тог to move? Did you see it?" Everyone: > 


ducked.as a ріреоп flew. оу To the 
left, another “police car, so carefully 
painted. baby Мис for better community 
relations, went up in-flames, making it 


17 


PLAYBOY 


the fifth of the evening thus far; the 
melting plastic wires in the cars made 
the horns short out so there was a steady 
like cattle lowing. “It's like Crys- 
tal night,” said a sergeant, "only you 
can't tell who thc Brownshirts are.” 

“Cocksuckers,” hissed a boy on the 
steps, “Cocksuckers. 

It was the night of the day Dan White 
was found guilty of manslaughter for 
cold-bloodedly Killing Mayor George 
Moscone and gay hero Harvey Milk. The 
crowd milled and waxed and waned, 
their faces twisted in the scarlet light, 
but what one could see were the faces of 
youth, glossy beards and manicured mus- 
taches. Their bodies were lithe and 
muscular and T-shirted. Many wore 
whistles around their necks, which they 
blew, adding to the moan, a sharp 
screeching. If they went too close to the 
steps, the men in the bluc uniforms 
charged in small phalanxes, swinging 
their sticks like scythes, bringing them 
down against the tide that could be dis- 
sipated but could not be stopped. 

The next day, the homosexual man 
who took Milk's place on the Board of 
Supervisors would sum it up: "Now," said. 
Harry Britt, "the society is going to have 
to deal with us not 
who have hair-dressing salons but as 
people capable of violence." 

. 

They were, at one time, the limp- 
wristed boys no upper-class party could 
do without. Everyone knew, my dear, but 
nobody talked. They have been in San 
Francisco, in scattered groups, since the 
city was settled in the wild days of the 
gold rush. At the turn of the century, 
there was a man called the Queen Bee 
who ruled all gay life and passed the OK 
оп any person coming into town. The 
present descendants of the Bee are the 
Empress and the Emperor, mere figure- 
heads. José Sarria, the present Empress, 
who reminds me that Dr. Kinsey told him 
he was an “ideal third gender,” is the un- 
official historian of the gay community. 
He recalls, with undisguised glee, the 
“Baker Street Scandal” of the Thirties, 
when the police raided а tasteful Vic- 
torian home in the fashionable part of 
town and found the male scions of sever- 
al noble families dancing with one an- 
other, In the Forties, José sang at the 
Black Cat, a literary salon /saloon in the 
building that now houses Melvin Belli's 
office. He did opera imitations, im full 
drag, and his heroines always died. He 
ended each evening by making every- 
body stand up and sing God Bless the 
Nellie Queens—'so. that for 
moment they could be proud of it. 

When the action in the bushes came to 
their attention, the city fathers had 
lights put up in Union Square (San 
Francisco's equivalent to Times Square). 


118 José remembers when it was legal for 


the paddy wagons to pull up to the bar 
and empty its contents like peanut shells. 
(There were several sections of the penal 
code that made this possible: а red-light 
abatement law and another having to do 
with “keeping a disorderly house.”) The 
Cat repeatedly sued the Alcoholic Bev- 
cragc Commission in attempts to keep its 
doors open: In 1951, in Stoumen vs. 
Reilly, the California Supreme Court 
ruled that it was illegal for the bar to be 
closed down simply because homosexuals 
congregated there. In 1963, however, the 
California Court of Appeal upheld an 
lier ruling that the Cat had sufficient 
ly violated the ABC code that guards 
public morals to warrant closing it down 
And that was the end of the Black Cat. 

In the Fifties, as one more piece of 
fallout from Senator McCarthy's bomb, 
the Armed Forces were “purged of 
homosexuals.” The job was done, in some 
branches, by confiscating the address 
book of a “known offender,” then dis- 
honorably discharging every man in 
‘Thus ruined, many of the soldiers, both 
gay and straight, came to San Francisco— 
because once you are kicked out of the 
Army for being gay, you don't go back 
to Cincinnati. 

By the Sixties, the population had 
grown enough to attract voluntary émi- 
grés. Ken Maley, 34, was 19 when he 
came to the city in 1964 from a town of 
1000 in the Midwest. Back near his home 
town, he had once gone to a bar where 
he knew men danced together and had 
at in a corner and watched. “Don’t 
bother him," he remembers the patrons 
saying to one another. "Нез confused.” 

Later, when he told a straight friend 
about his visit, the friend asked, "Ken, 
did you go there to see them . . . or to 
find yourself?" 

Once in San Francisco, he lived down- 
town in a Tenderloin hotel in a nin: 
dollar-a-week room where he and hi 
lovers registered as brothers. ("Everyone 
knew. But everyone knew that you were 
as down as everybody else; everyone 
knew that you got enough shit from the 
outside, so no one was going to give you 
any more") He remembers the scene 
“You got picked up in cars and taken 
out to Land's End, walking the streets. 
Не saw boys in make-up. holding ciga- 
rettes just so; he tried to learn to wave his 
hands іп the air and failed. Everyone 
wore peg-leg pants that were so tight the 
оп their legs came through. They 
had to clip it with nail scissors. 

“When 1 first came here,” says Maley, 
“it was not acceptable in the gay com- 
munity to go to the baths—you were 
supposed to be looking for Mr. Right, 
for your prince to come. There was a 
place called The Rendezvous, where we 
called them the Rendezvous Dolls: You 
wind them up and they go home alone. 


It was so terrifying, making that first 
move.... 

There was a place called the Capri, 
where Pat Bond, the comic, was the 
door dyke. When the police stuck their 
heads in the door, she'd yell out and the 
lights would go up and you had to stop 
dancing. You had to always stay about 
six to ten inches away from your partner, 
just in case. You always felt there was 
something wrong with you. If it all 
stopped tomorrow, if they closed down 
the bars again, I would know іп my own 
self they couldn't make me feel like a 
second-rate person again 

Maley is now a “publicrelations con- 
sultant” whose major industry, as he 
calls it, is “selling queer." It is to Maley 
that CBS goes when it wants to make a 
documentary on gay life іп San Fran- 
cisco; he assists the growing siege of 
writers from out of town who stand at 
Castro and 18th Street and go into shock. 
He finds the right drag queen, the mem- 
ber of Fuckers of America, the best 
private gym. He promotes Casa Sanchez, 
a condominium-development firm, help- 
ing to sell the condominiums at Sanchez 
and 170 Street, a converted laundry, 
where the one- to three-bedroom units, 
55 of them, will sell for between $125,000 
and $180,000. It is understood that the 
buyers of the condos should be gay, but 
it is illegal to say so. 

Numbers аге what finally made the 
difference: As more and more men got 
liberated letters from their friends and 
former lovers—letters postmarked San 
Francisco—more and more men lelt the 
little towns in the Midwest where people 
were beginning to wonder when they 
were going to get married. (There is а 
delicate green wrought-iron bench sitting 
at a convenient resting spot on опе of 
the beautiful public paths that run up 
Telegraph Hill and overlook the San 
Francisco Bay. A local gay celebrity has 
plaque on the bench that 


TORE.) 

-1079, іп San Francisco there 
were seven gay gyms, untold numbers of 
gay bars, a gay tourist bureau, gay Real- 
tors, gay doctors, gay dentists, gay thera- 
pists and psychiatrists, gay insurance 
companies, gay hotels, gay travel agen- 
cies. gay backpacking organizations, gay 
matchmakers, gay hair-removal services, 
gay holistic massage and even a gay ver- 
sion of est, called The Advocate Ex- 
perience. Its founder is the president of 
the company that publishes The Advo- 
cate, a gay newspaper. 

Сау lawyer Don Knutson, a member of 
Gay Rights Advocates, has lived here 20 
ycars now and he can’t remember the 
last time a bar was raided. The mask law 
(it is illegal to cover your face with an 
(continued on page 130) 


"Well—when you've got to go, this sure as hell is the шау...” 


119 


Fih M Kena 
Cnet yew te 
propi Pyama ау 
at Жабу Sanin West 


ее» 3t 070 
OPS 
әсет. of course 


АРДАРА 


PLAYBOYS 
PAJAMA PARTIES 


hef’s invitations are in the тай, but you don’t 
have to wait—just turn the page and join the revelry 


Your host, Hugh М. Hefner, greets guests with the fairy queen of his pojama-party invitation come to life, model Caren Stevens (appasite). 
Above, a seemingly endless line of cars snakes up the driveway of Playboy Mansian West as partygoers arrive far the fun. 121 


1%2 


pictorial essay 


By JIM HARWOOD 


UMAN NATURE being what it 
is, there are only three things that will 
get a grown man outdoors in his pa 
mas: the arrival of the morning news- 
paper, the call of “Fire!” and a party at 
Playboy Mansion West. The last is by 
far the most fun. 

When Hugh M. Hefner inaugurated 
the Mansion’s first pajama party on New 
Year's Eve 1973, a lot of people took a 
surprised second look at the invitation. 
“He has asked everybody to wear ‘night 
clothes—whatever that may or may not 
mean,” puzzled columnist Nigel Demp- 
ster, thousands of miles away in his 
office at the Manchester Daily Май. 
Night clothes, for the information of 
our colleague, are what the world out- 
side Holmby Hills wears for sleeping 
Inside Mansion West at the annual Mid- 
summer and New Year's Eve pajama 
parties, they are what people wear for 
playing. It’s а delightful tradition in- 
spired by the preferred attire of the 
host, who wants his guests to be just as 
comfortable as he is. Hef wears pajamas 
all the time—for eating, working, play- 
ing and cspecially for an intimate soiree 
such as this one. An intimate soiree chez 
Hef, by the way, can include several 
hundred people. When the guest list 
goes beyond his circle of close friends, 
Hel has been known to bow slightly to 
conyention and slip into more conven. 
tionally elegant threads. 

Nothing mellows out a party faster 
than meeting your fellow guests turned 
out ready to turn in, Despite this ob- 
vious logic, some folks are hard to con- 
vince. Several years back, a few of Hef's 
guests chose to ignore the “night clothes” 
suggestion. That's a gaffe not unlike 
wearing Adidas to a blacktie dinner. 
Nonplused, Hef quickly updated an 
Oriental tradition and provided all un- 
suitably garbed guests with robes from 
the liberal supply in the Mansion Bath- 
house. Few balked at the change. 

The 1979 Midsummer Night's Dream 
event, held on the balmiest of Southern 
California nights, prompted no such con- 
fusion or reluctance on the part of the 
revelers. By now, Hefs PJ bashes are 
legend in Hollywood and invitations to 
the two annual events are hot tickets. As 
might be expected in a city with no dress 
code at all, the interpretation of night 
clothes (text continued on page 129) 


Strolling thraugh the grounds at last August's Midsummer 
Nigh!'s Dream party are record mogul Berry Согду and com- 
ponion (above). Back in 1977, long before she become 

Mrs. Jimmy Connors, Playmate of the Year Patti McGuire 
dropped her drawers ct another Midsummer Eve's bash. 


Ringing ом! 1977 at the Mansion West were (above, from left) actor Burgess Meredith, Hef, his dete, Playmate Sondra Theodore, and 
actress Edy Willioms; last year's August pajama party attracted, among athers, author and former White House aide John Dean and wife, 
Maureen (above right). Below, Wendy Carlson takes a moment fram last August's party to pose for a ғілүвоү photographer. 


А few months before he opened in Players, Dean-Paul Martin wos moking the scene with 
Hef at 1977's New Yeor's Eve party (obove). The long and the short of it at 19795 midsum- 
mer fete were basketball great Wilt Chamberloin ond an attractive componion (below left). 


At last August’s bash, Hollywood agent Kurt Frings visits with February 1978 Ploymote Jonis 


Schmitt (obove right), while (below) actor Robert Culp has his arms full with songwriter Carol 
Connors and September 1978 Ploymote Rosanne Katon (who has us up a tree at right). 


Sharing a table during New Year's Eve of 1976: 
entertainer Sonny Bono and Susie Coelho, his 
lady since his split fram Cher (above). 


New Year's 77 cutups (above): Hef, actresses 
Misty Rowe, Candy Clark. Below, in August 79, 
actor James Franciscus, Terri Welles. 


The provocatively posed prospective Playmates above are Liz Glozowski (left) and Victorio Caoke, ster candidates for any man's Midsummer 
Night's Dream. The creator of the fantasy steps aut at last year’s party (below) with July 1977 Playmate Sondra Theadare. Below 


right, оп unidentified lady leads with her chin for actor Hugh O'Brian at the Mansion midsummer fete held in August of 1977. 


Miss April 1978, Pamela Jean Bryant, has obviously captivated actor Burt Young in the shot at top left, from Hefner's 1978 summer p.i. 
party. Enjoying the 1979 event (abave, from left): Jeona Temasino, Ron Prather, 25th Anniversary Playmate Candy Loving, film producer 
Roger Comras, 1978 Playmate of the Year Debra Jo Fondren and (above right) Liz and Victoria, waging mock war. 


4 


New Year's celebronts in 1977 (left) included actor Harry Reems, 
October 1978 Playmate Marcy Hanson; abave, с friend gets, well, 
familiar with April 1977 gatefold girl Lisa Sahm at last August's do. 


Merrymakers from two parties: Below, 

Playmate Daina House, Deon-Paul Martin and lisa Holder, 
August ‘79; belaw center, Berry Gordy, Tony Curtis, 
Richard Brooks and Hefner, December 1975. 


Above, Hef with John Derek and his wife, Bo (starring in 10), 
and, at right, Shel i Michelle Karlin, 
daughter of former Chicago Bunny Suzy Millikan, during the 
1979 Midsummer Night's Dream festivities. 


has gradually been stretched to 
include costumes of unparalleled 
daring. 

A standard of sorts was estab. 
lished a couple of years back 
when Playmate Star Stowe ar 
rived for the New Year's version 
of the party wearing a sparkling 
white, 100-percent-cotton diaper 
held seductively in place by two 

iety safety pins. 

implicity of the outfit drew 

from her suddenly over- 
dressed admirers. 

Likewise, there were no com- 
plaints last summer when up- 
coming Playmate Liz Glazowski 
chose а stunning ensemble of 

(text concluded on page 192) 


A diapered Playmate Star Stowe 
rings in 1977 with Dennis Klier 
and Playmate Hape Olson (left). 


“When you came to the end of c perfect бау”... or night . . . nobody wants the fun to be over. 
Least of all Traci Spangler ond Teri Peterson, clowning around in the car above. Below: 
At the strake of midnight, guests ore showered with hundreds of bolloans. Happy New Year! 


PLAYBOY 


SAN FRANCISCO EXPERIENCE (continued from page 118) 


“At a gay celebration at Episcopal Grace Cathedral, 
the Gay Men's Chorus sang ‘Stouthearted Men.” 


“intent to dec ) is still on the books 
but is not enforced. Sex clubs, as long as 
they remain private, arc left alone. A 
recent. Knutson case neatly bundles gay 
past and gay present into one elegant 
package. Last summer, British photogra- 
pher Carl Hill got off a plane at San 
Francisco International wearing а GAY 
PRIDE button on his jacket. He and his 
lover, Michael Mason, were here to cover 
the Gay Freedom Day Parade for The 
London Gay News, the name of which 
printed on Hill's T-shirt. He was 
immediately detained by an immigration 
official who asked him if he was a prac- 
ticing homosexual. When Hill replied 
"Yes," he was told that he had the choice 
of returning to London on the next 
plane or of undergoing a psychiatric ex- 
amination that would almost certainly 
result in his expulsion from the country. 
Hill had come up against U.S. Code, 
Title 8, Section 1182, Excludable Aliens, 
General Causes. The code has 31 subsec- 
tions that include anarchists, drug ad- 
dicts, alcoholics and the mentally 
retarded. Hill came under section (4): 
“aliens afflicted with psychopathic per- 
sonality, or sexual deviation, or a men- 
tal defect." The deviant, who'd soon 
see 250,000 of his kind march up the 
ing banners 


He became an instant cause. The city's 
oldest and most prestigious large law 
firm, Pillsbury, Madison and Sutro, of- 
fered to assist Gay Rights Advocates pro 
bono in the fight to prevent the exami- 
nation. The night before the parade, 
Mayor Dianne Feinstein left her birthday 
party at the Fairmont Hotcl to drop in 
on a gay celebration at Episcopal Grace 
Cathedral (where the Gay Men's Chorus 
sang Stouthearled Men). There, to а 
standing ovation, she publicly apologized 
to Hill, adding, “I suspect these things 
will not happen again." The next day, 
Hill and Mason led the parade. And 
Knutson, in a turnaround, sued thc 
United States Public Health Service (in 
the person of the Surgeon Gencral) on 
behalf of his client. "We're now the 
plaintiffs," he said, "and it fcels terrific." 
(The case was dismissed in district court 
on Friday, August 3, 1979. U. S. Surgeon 
General Julius Richmond declared that 
homosexuality per se по longer was 
viewed by thc Public Health Service as 
evidence of a mental disease or defect.) 

. 
А most tolerant town, 


San Francisco, 


130 born in the brazen days of the gold 


rush, when you couldn't tell a starving 
miner from the next president of the 
Wells Fargo Bank, so everyone was wel- 
come. "The town stayed open, accepting 
Beats in the Fifties, flower children in 
the Sixties and gays in the Seventies. It is 
a kind of grand experiment: How many 
flavors in the melting pot? How many 
tap shoes can dance on the head of a pin? 

But the population of the city is small 
(660,000) and geographically contained— 
on three sides by water. Estimates of the 
Бау population now waver between 
100,000 апа 175,000 people—trom 15 to 
26 percent of the population. Because 
the gay neighborhoods tend to clump 
near downtown, you have what one la- 
lino organizer calls "an inner city of wall- 
io-wall gays ringed by neighborhoods 
with familics.” He is exaggerating some- 
what, but the impulse behind his words 
comes from a sense of being overtaken. 

In Macy's, the new Lifestyle section 
sports bomber jackets and round-collared 
largely staffed by men with. 
ing voices. Castro Street, once an Irish- 
Catholic neighborhood, where a few ho- 
mosexual men moved to in the Sixties, 
has become a blooming, blossoming gar- 
den of gay delight. In L'Uomo, a store 
just off the main boulevard, two manne- 
quins in nylon briefs face cach other, 
crotches bulging; in another window of 
the same store, a mannequin crouches on 
its hands, ass in the air to passers-by. 
Around the corner, the Hibernia Bank 
has recently modernized, indenting its 
walls to create a minipark with planters 
in front. One imagines a thoughtful bank 
president designing the park, imagining 
it as a relaxing place for elderly women. 
Instead, it is referred to as Hibernia 
Beach; every day, men with short haircuts 
and tight T-shirts and flat stomachs and 
tanned legs—either stuffed into jeans or 
splayed in short shorts—lounge in the 
sunshine, remarking on the шеп going 
by, men who look so much like those 
watching that they have been dubbed, by 
straight and gay alike, the Castro Clones. 

For many people these days, it's no 
joke. “I walk into the area and I feel 
uncomfortable. 1 sce men who look like 
boys. It’s а shock to look at them, be- 
cause they're all dressed differently from 
others their age and they're all dressed 
the same. My experience is that I don't 
belong and it violates my sense of what's 
natural, a difference between generations. 

The speaker is a man I will call Paul 
(none of the heterosexual people 1 
talked to would allow me to use their 


names). He is ап editor, an educated, 
well-traveled, thoughtful man who has 
lived ncar Castro Street for ten years. 
When he and his wife bought their Vic- 
torian house there, they were “thrilled” 
to find so many places to shop and cat зо 
close to home. Gradually, however, they 
found themselves avoiding the arca. 

“As I park, and get closer, it’s visceral. 
I feel а sense of menace. I think, Why do 
I feel this? and 1 can never decide 
whether it’s because they're different from 
me, a xenophobia, or whether it’s an 
aggresive cnergy in the air, ап Us against 
Them, a male energy—forget homosex- 
ual—which is potentially volatile. 

“Its a similar experience to being 
imprisoned, and there's rivalry and jos- 
tling for position. Faggots don't come out 
as faggots anymore, they come out as 
young male athletes—its such a male 
world, a sexual parade, as if all these 
people were training for an unarmed 
militia. My immediate impression of the 
gay world is one of militancy. 

“As I get closer, I see things that make 
me feel crawly. 1 see men holding hands, 
kissing, touching each other's asses, be- 
havior that adults in America, in the 
heterosexual world, are not uscd to see- 
ing. I feel this, too, а kind of chal- 
lenge. The Italians call it sfida, as if the 
right to behave contrary to conventions 
is being flaunted on a massive scale. 

"When I walk down the street, now 
that I've lost weight and go to the gym, 
I feel as if I look more like one of them. 
I have short hair. And I get the еуе. 1 
feel as if I want to shout, I'm straight! 
I don't want to bc mistaken. 1 saw 
grafiti in the bathroom at the movie 
theater, MACHO MEN COME OUT OF THE 
croset! There is not so much of that 
anymore—the ‘everyone's really a homo- 
sexual at heart’; but there's enough in- 
fluence that you feel you have to defend 
yourself against i 

On Market Street toward Castro, the 
men on the balcony of The Balcony bar 
are stuffed in like asparagus spears, most 
of them naked to the м: ‘Two men 
near the railing are holding each other, 
kissing. The couple in the car with 
me, one of whom was once a member of 
SDS, hiss, “Faggots.” 

About a year ago, I began to hear that 
word again, a word seldom mentioned 
here for the previous five years. It was 
used, I noticed, by people who were 
liberal, who imagined themselves to be 
tolerant. It was used, when it was used 
discreetly at all, to refer to men in 
groups, men kissing and holding hands, 
men dressed alike. 

Joshua, age 15: “I saw the Donahue 
show and on it were two sets of parents 
of gays and the audience brought up a 
lot of issues, like, how can they be 
cured? Why are they like this? And the 

(continued on page 234) 


“Gotta tell ya, Pop—this keeping the family together for 
the children’s sake ain't worth shit.” 


131 


ILLUSTRATION BY MEL ODOM 


MY UNCLE OSWALD 


from the moment he discovered the pill 
that rippled men’s loins, uncle oswald 
became a much-sought-after young тап 


ло By ROALD DAHL 


1 AM BEGINNING, once again, to have an 


urge to salute my Uncle Oswald. I mean, 
of course, Oswald Hendryks Cornelius, 
deceased, the connoisseur, the bon 


vant, the collector of spiders, scorpions 
and walking sticks, the lover of opera, 
the expert on Chinese porcelain, the 
seducer of women and, without much 
doubt, the greatest fornicator of all time. 
Every other celebrated contender for 
that title is diminished to a point of 
ridicule when his record is compared 
with that of my Unde Oswald. Espe- 
cially poor old Casanova. He comes out 
of the contest looking like a man who 
was suffering from a severe malfunction 
of his sexual organ. 

Fifteen years have passed since I re. 
leased for publication in 1964 the first 
small excerpt from Oswald's diaries. I 
took trouble at the time to select some- 
thing unlikely to give offense, and that 


o- 
s between my 
d a certain female leper in the 
esert. 


uncle 
Si 


FIRST LOOK 


atanewnovel 


So far so good. But I waited a full 
ten years more (1974) before risking the 
release of a second piece. And once 
again, I was careful to choose something 
that was, at any rate by Oswald's stand- 
ards, as nearly as possible suitable for 
reading by the vicar to Sunday school in 
the village church. That one dealt with 
the discovery of a perfume so potent that 
any man who sniffed it upon 2 woman 
was unable to prevent himself from rav- 
ishing her on the spot. 

Today. five years alter publication of 
that perfume story, I have decided to 


permit the public yet another glimpse 
into my uncle's life. The section I h 
chosen comes from Volume XX. w 

in 1938, when Oswald was 43 y 
and 


ave 
исп 
old 


the prime of 
the extract from Volume 
ies of Oswald Hendryks 
word for word as he wrote it. 
. 
London, July 1938 
Have just returned from a satisfactory 
visit to the Lagonda works at Staines. 
W. О. Bentley gave me lunch (salmon 


from the Usk and a bottle of Montra- 
chet) and we discussed the extras [or my 
new VI2. He has promised me a set of 
horns that will play Mozart's Son gid 
mille е tre in perfect pitch. Some of you 
ink this to be a rather childish 
, but it will serve as a nice incen- 
to be reminded, every time I press 
the button, that good old Don Giovanni 
had by then deflowered 1003 
Spanish damscls. I told Bentley that the 
s are to be upholstered in fine-grain 
alligator, and the paneling to be ve- 
neered in yew. Why yew? Simply b. 
Т prefer the color and grain of Еп) 
yew to that of any other wood 

The new Lagondas are peerless, 
Т, for one, would have no other mach 
But this onc isn't going to he cheap. It 
is costing me more thousands than 1 
ever thought it possible to pay for an 
automobile. 

Yet who cares about money? Not me, 
because I've always had plenty of it. I 
made my first £100,000 when I was 17 
and later [ was to make a lot morc. 
Having said (continued on page 136) 


133 


THE PARTY’S NOT OVER! 


new years eve may be a ring-a-ding might, but new year’s 
day is when the festivities really get rolling 


food and drink By EMANUEL GREENBERG Chances аге you'll have a helluva New Year's Eve 


and, after cutting а few Zs, awake refreshed and ready to boogie some more. Contrary to the old adage, PLAYBOY believes 
you can’t have too much of a good thing. So why not extend the holiday spirit a bit longer, with a New Year's Day open 
house? If you can’t con a ladyfriend into tossing the bash, square your shoulders, man, and assume the duty yourself 

It needn't be a chore—if you do it right. An open house can be smart without being complicated: sybaritic simplicity 
is the watchword. You don't want anything too commonplace. That goes for the snacks and other sustenance, wines, 
spirits and the obligatory reviver. This once, forgo the ubiquitous bloody mary and offer a more distinctive pick-me-up. 
The two given here, one with gin, the other based on brandy, not only taste good but, (continued on page 276) 


PLAYBOY 


MY UNCLE OSWALD 


(continued from page 133) 


“Опе tiny pinch of that powder is the most powerful 


aphrodisiac in the world. 


2» 


that, it occurs to me that I have never 
once throughout thesc journals made апу 
mention of the manner in which I be- 
came a wealthy man. 

Perhaps the time has come when 1 
should do tl I think it has. For these 
diaries would be incomplete without 
some reference to the art of moncy- 
making and the pleasures attendant 
thereor 
Very well, then. 1 have talked myself 
to it. 1 shall proceed at once to tell 
you something about how I set about 
making money. 

Іп Ше year 1912, when 1 was barely 
17, 1 won a scholarship in natural sci- 
ences to Trinity College, Cambridge. 
1 was а precocious youth and had taken 
the exam a year earlier than usual. This 
meant that 1 had a 12-month wait doing 
nothing, because Cambridge would not 
receive me until 1 was 18. My father 
therefore decided that 1 should fill in 
the time by going to France to learn the 
language. I myself hoped that 1 should 
learn a fair bit more than just the lan- 
guage in that splendid country. Already, 
you see, I had begun to acquire a taste 
for rakery and wenching among the 
London debutantes, Already, also, I was 
beginning to get a bit bored with these 
young English girls. They were, 1 de- 
cided, a pretty pithless lot, and 1 was 
impatient to sow a few bushels of wild 
oats in foreign fields. Especially in 
France. I had been reliably informed 
that Parisian females knew a thing or 
two about the act of lovemaking that 

London cousins had never even 
med of. Copulation, so rumor had it, 
fancy in England. 

On the evening before 1 was due to 
depart for France, 1 gave a small party 
at our family house in Cheyne Walk. 
1 had invited a dozen or so friends of 
both sexes, all of them about my own 
age, and by nine o'clock we were 
around making pleasant talk, drinking 
wine and consuming some excellent 
boiled mutton and dumplings. ‘The front 
doorbell rang. 1 went to answer it, and 
on the doorstep there stood a middle- 
aged man with a huge mustache, a 
magenta complexion and a pigskin suit 
case. He introduced himself as Major 
Grout and asked for my father. I said 
he was out to dinner. “Good gracious 
me," said Major Grout. “He has invited 
mc to stay. I'm an old friend." 

“Father must have forgotten," I said. 
“Ym awfully sorry. You had better come 
in.” 


Now, I couldn't very well leave the 
major alone in the study reading Punch 
while we were having a party in the next 
room, so I asked him il 
come in and join us. He would, indeed. 
He'd love to join us. So in he came, 
mustache and all, a beaming, jovial old 
boy who settled down among us quite 
comfortably despite the fact that he was 
three times the age of anyone else pres- 
ent. He tucked into the mutton and pol- 
ished off a whole bottle of claret in the 
first 15 minutes. 

“Excellent victuals,” he said. “Is there 
any more wine?" 

1 opened another bottle for him, and 
we all watched with a certain admiration 
as he proceeded to empty that one as 
well His cheeks were swiftly turning 
from magenta to a very deep purple and 
his nose scemed to be catching on fire. 
Halfway through the third botue, he 
began to loosen up. He worked, he told 
us, in the Anglo-Egyptian Sudan and 
was home on leave. His job had to do 
with the Sudan Irrigation Service and a 
very hot and arduous business it was. 
But fascinating. 

We sat round him, listening and not 
a little intrigued by this purple-faced 
creature from distant lands. 

“А great country, the Sudan," he said. 
“It is enormous. It is remote. It is full of 
mysteries and secrets. Would you like me 
to tell you about one of the great secrets 
of the Sudan?” 

"Very much, sir" we said. 
please.” 

“One of its great secrets,” he said, ti 
ping another glass of wine down his 
throat, “а secret that is known only to a 
few old-timers out there like myself, and 
to the natives, is a little асаште called 
the Sudanese blister beetle, or, to 
him his right name, Cantharis vesicatoria 
sudanii.” 

“You mean a scarab?” I said. 

“Certainly not,” he said. “The Suda- 
nese blister beetle is a winged insect, as 
much a fly as a beetle, and is about three 
rters of an inch long. It's very pretty 
to look at, with a brilliant iridescent 
shell of golden green." 

“Why is it so secret?” we asked. 

‘These little beetles,” the major said, 
“are found only in опе part of the 
Sudan. 105 an area of about twenty 
square miles, north of Khartoum, and 
that's where a tree called the hashab 
grows. The leaves of the hashab trec are 
what the beetles fecd on. Men spend 


Yes, 


their whole lives searching for these bee- 
tles. Beetle hunters, they are called. They 
are very sharp-eyed natives whe know 
all there is to know about the haunts 
and habits of the tiny brutes. And when 
they catch them, they kill them and dry 
them in the sun and crunch them up 
into a fine powder. This powder is great- 
ly prized among the natives, who usually 
keep it in small, elaborately carved 
beetle boxes. A tribal chief will have his 
beetle box made of silver.” 

“But this powder,” we said, “what do 
they do with it 

“It's not what they do with it,” the 
major said. “It’s what it docs to you. Onc 
tiny pinch of that powder is the most 
powerful aphrodisiac in the world. 

“The Spanish fly!" somcone shouted. 
“It’s the Spanish fly!" 

“Well, not quite," the major said, 
“but you're on the right wack. The 
common Spanish fly is found in Spain 
and southern Italy. The one I'm talking 

bout is the Sudanese fly and although 
it’s of the same family, it’s a different 
кеше of fish altogether. It is approxi- 
mately ten times as powerful as the ordi- 
nary Spanish fly. The reaction produced 
by the little Sudanese fellow is so in- 
«кейіму vicious it is dangerous to use 
even in small doses.” 

"But they do use it. 

"Oh, God, yes. Every wog in Khar- 
toum and northward uses the old beetle. 
White men, the ones who know about 11, 
are inclined to leave it alone because 
it’s so damn dangerous.” 

"Have you used it?” someone asked. 

"The major looked up at the question- 
cr and gave a little smile under his 
enormous mustache. “We'll come to 
that in a moment or two, shall we?” he 
said. 

"What does it actually do to you?" 
one of the girls asked. 

"My God," the major 
doesn't it do to you? It bı 
under your genitals. It is both a violent 
aphrodisiac and a powerful irritant. It 
not only makes you uncontrollably randy 
but it also guarantees you an enormous 
and long-lasting crection at the same 
time. I will tell you а truc story, if you 
"about myself and the 


he began, "I was 
sitting on the veranda of my bungalow 
way upcountry about fifty miles north 
of Khartoum, It was hot as hell and I'd 
had a hard day. I was drinking a strong 
whiskey and soda. It was my first that 
ng and I was l 
chair with my feet res 
balustrade that ran round the ve 
I could feel the whiskey hitting the 
ing of my stomach and I can promise you 
there is no greater sensation at the end 

(continued on page 228) 


LEROY NEMAN 


OE EX XS: 


TT WAS AT A DINNER the night before the Robert Kennedy tennis tournament and Senator Ted Kennedy, Art Buchwald and АВС 
Roone Arledge were seated at the same table, having a fine time. They're all old friends. Arledge was smoking a grand 
a and Kennedy suddenly reached across the table, snatched the halfsmoked cigar and settled back to enjoy 
Caught without my sketch pad, I captured the moment on а napkin. There was something about the way Kennedy comman- 
deered the cigar that made me think: Here's a man who has decided to run for the Presidency. You'll notice that Kennedy appears 
to be staring into the middle distance. He often seems this way. I've found that most powerful men are what I сай spatial viewers. 
They're always either lost in thought or scanning a room to make sure they aren't missing anything important. ьм. 137 


himself. 


STAR TREK'S 
ENTERPRISING 
RETURN 


after a decade in dry dock, 
tv's most enduring flight crew 
invades the nation’s 
movie theaters determined 
to wage star wars—and reclaim 
some extraterrestrial turf 


article 
By GRETCHEN MCNEESE 


SCENE: The bridge of the refurbished 
Starship Enterprise, where members of 
the crew are staring, horrified, at their 
viewer screens, Four huge objects, which 
appear to be some destructive form of 


plasma energy, have just been released | 


toward earth by an unknown force. 

On hand are the vessel's commanding 
officer, CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK; science 
officer, the pointyeared, halj-Vulcan 
MR. SPOCK; chief medical officer, LEON- 
ARD “BONES” MC COY; HELMSMAN SULU; 


security officer, СНЕКОУ; communications ` 


officer, LIEUTENANT UHURA; and three 
new members of the crew: executive 
officer WILLARD DECKER; ILIA (eyr-lee-ah), 
a hauntingly beautiful, hairless female 
who speaks in а strangely robotized 
fashion; and, at the navigator's console, 
another female officer —pI FALCO—who 
whispers in-disbelie}: 

DIFALCO: They're going to destroy 
every living thing on earth! 

KIRK (to ILIA); Why? 


ILIA: The carbon-unit infestation is to 


be removed from the Creator's planet. 

KIRK: Why? 

ILIA: Because the Cfeator has not. 
answered. 

KIRK: The carbon-units are not respon- 
sible for that. 

ILIA: You infest Enterprise. You inter- 
fere with the Creator in the same manner. 

KIRK: The carbon-units are not an 


% 


In these artist's renderings based an an 
advance look at the script of Star ` 
Trek—The Motion Picture, the Starship 
Wu streaks through space at warp- 
sever! speed in pursuit of an ugknown 
intruder. Suddenly, the Enterprise is 
menaced by bolts af unexplained 
force disturbingly like those that have 
already vaparized three Klingan Баје 
cruisers and the Starfleet monitor 
station on Epsilon 9... 


infestation. They're anatural function of 
the Creators planet. The 
things, 
ILIA: They are not true lil 
the Creator and other simil 
are truc. ^ 
MC Coy: Similar life forms? Jim! 
is saying the Creator is a machine] | 
DECKER: ОГ course. We all create Gi 
in our own ima; 
. 
That's a climactic moment (гот Star: 
Trek—The Motion Picture, a multimil- 
lion-dollar epic due to hit the nation's 
screens in December after one of the 
longest gestation periods in showbiz his- 
tory. Like the television series from 
which it sprang, the fil 
message and characte 
devoid of wham-bam shoot"em-ups and 
bugeyed monsters. Will it succeed with 
audiences who been conditioned by 
the comic-book simplicity of Star Wars, 
‘the otherworldly concepts and son et 
ière of Close Encounters of the Third 
find? Paramount Pictures has belatedly 
that it’s less 
executive) on 
posession long 
ind Close Encounters 
winkles in the eyes of 


turned into a blockbust On the 
other hand, never before has a motion 
picture come to the screen with so large, 
so fanatic a built-in audience, It all be- 
gan modestly enough a weekly 


and although the powerful assailant has 
for the moment spared the ship ond. 

its intrepid crew, the Enterprise, locked into 
а tractar beam, is gradually sucked 

inta an enormous but strangely beautiful 
cloud and then inexorably drown 

closer to a mysterious entity dwelling in 
its center, which colls itself V'ger. 

For the exciting climox, you'll have to 
see the movie—opening all over 

the country in December. 


142 


television series debuting оп NBC бер- 
tember 8, 1966. The brain child of Gene 
Roddenberry, a former Pan Am pilot 
and Los Angeles cop, it dealt with the 
voyages of a 23rd Century space vesse 
part of the Starfleet of the United Fed- 
eration of Planets, and the adventures 
that befell its crew on its five-year ex- 
ploratory mission through space. 

From the first, Star Trek attracted a 
devoted following, but not a large one. 
The network wied to cancel the show 
after its second season, only to be del- 
uged by letters from irate fans organized 
by a Los Angeles housewife and science- 
fiction buff named Bjo Trimble. She says 
the campaign resulted іп 1,000,000 let- 
ters to NBC. 

The gimmick worked, but only for one 
season. In 1968, Star Trek was put in a 
graveyard Friday-night slot, where its 
ratings continued to drop. and it left the 
air—lor good, its stars assumed—at the 
end of that season. 

Авїї turned out, the apparent end was 
only the beginning. Once the show went 
into syndication, local independent sta- 


tions started booking it in early-evening 
and weckend time slots, where it would 
be scen by both adults and children. 
Audiences began to grow, and today— 
more than ten years since the 79th and 
final TV episode was shot—Star Trek is 
seen 308 times a week оп 134 U.S. sta- 
tions and, translated into 47 languages, 
in 131 international markets. Its pop- 
ularity has actually expanded 77 percent 
in the past five years and it has, in- 
credibly enough, been the subject of 
masters theses and doctoral dissertations. 

То the moviemakers, this established 
fandom is both blessing and curse. The 
hard-core Star Trek fan knows everything 
there is to know about the Enterprise 
and its crew, and this inexplicable, 
satiable demand for even more has been 
grected with books of Enterprise blue- 
prints, a technical manual, trivia com- 


New womon on the Enterprise (above): Persis 
Khambotte, Below (from left, top row): William 
Shatner, Captain Kirk; Leonard Nimoy, Spock: 
DeForest Kelley, Dr. McCoy; James Dachan, 
Scotty; (bottom raw): Nichelle Nichols, tieu- 
tenant Uhure; Gearge Takei, Sulu; Walter 
Koenig, Chekov; Stephen Collins as Decker. 


pilations and even a concordance of all 
Star Trek episodes (compiled by the 
aforementioned Trimble). Your true 
Trekker—as distinct from Trekki 
term looked down upon: by real fanati 
as having groupie connotations—can 
pass the most esoteric of trivia quizzes. 

“Not me,” says Roddenberry merrily. 
“At a Star Trek convention some years 
ago, they gave me 50 multiple-choice 
trivia questions and I got only four of 
them right.’ 

Roddenberry has been working out of 
an office on the Paramount lot for somc- 
thing over four years now. “Seems like a 
fucking lifetime,” he says. “Sometimes it 
feels like being crucified: You realize it's 
a great honor, but you'll be glad when 
it's over.” 

"There's an irony in the [act that Para- 
mount has finally backed this project 


STAR TREK’S 
VERY SPECIAL 
EFFECTS 


The roster of special-effects wizards 
working their magic on Star Trek— 
The Motion Picture reads like the 
tech nd: $600,000,000 
worth of box-office receipts. After a 
shaky start, the picture's visual mag- 
ic has been curned over to director of 
special photographic effects Douglas 
Trumbull, 37, and supervisor for spe- 
cial photographic effects, John Dyk- 
stra, 31. Trumbull, who cut his teeth 
anlcy Kubrick's masterpiece 
lo did effects for The An- 
dromeda Strain and Close Encoun- 
ters of the Third Kind and directed 
the cult classic Silent Running. Dyk- 
stra’s work on Andromeda and Si- 
lent Running brought him to the 
attention of George (Star Wars) 
Lucas; his work on that film earned 
Dykstra an Oscar, and a similar chore 
for the TV Battlestar Galactica pilot 
won him an Emmy. 

Although Dykstra and his once- 
and-present mentor, Trumbull, were 
actually competitors for the Academy 
Award in April 1978, they appear to 
be working in perfect harness for 
Star Trek. That may not be surpris- 
ing, in view of the fact that when 
Dykstra collected his Star Wars Os- 
car, he announced that he wanted to 
thank Doug Trumbull for having 
given him his opportunity. 

When Trumbull and his Future 
General Corporation took over the 
Star Trek effects job, they found 
themselves with two years’ worth of 
work to complete in а mere ni 
months. Fortunately, they were рї 
plenty of money to do it. The cost of 
the special effects in this film may 
well add up to $20,000,000—hclping 
make Star Trek—The Motion Picture 
Paramount's most expensive film ever. 

“The floodgates opened up for a 
period of time," Trumbull said later. 
“Paramount said, ‘Just get it done at 
any соз, so we put together good 
equipment, good crews and good art- 
work. Our emotion going in was to 
try to do the best job we could and 
pull this out of the shit.” 

From the looks of preliminary shots 
we were able to sce at Trumbull's 
Venice, California, shop and at Sub. 
contractor Dykstra's Apogee facilities 
in Van Nuys, they've done it. Star 
Trek—The Motion Picture will have 
special effects never previously seen 
on the (concluded on page 308) 


Star Trek's specialeffects wizards: 
Douglas Trumbull (left), Jahn Dykstra. 


The unduloting, sphincterlike maw that draws the Enterpri 


into Viger (above) is largely a creotion of camputer-geometry expert Ron Resch, 
working far Douglos Trumbull. Below left, an eorly design (later revised) for the plosma-energy bolt thot destroys the Klingon battle cruisers 


(below right) and menaces the Enterprise, not to mention the solar system; botiom left, Enterprise in the spoce dock, o model thot required hond- 
fitting of 100,000 ports. Bottom right, a look ot how the Enterprise ond docking models were synchronized and projected; note trocks on which 
camera is moving. Hoving limited time in which to work, special-effects geniuses Trumbull, John Dykstra end their oides created new technology to 
accomplish a two-year task within nine months. The results will be seen onscreen December sixth, when Stor Trek—The Motion Picture opens. 


PLAYBOY 


with megabucks. The studio bought the 
portion of Star Trek rights originally 
owned by the now-defunct Desilu organ- 
ization (Roddenberry is the co-owner). 
After sitting on it for almost a decade, 
Paramount has been roundly castigated 
by Trek fans. During the early Seventies, 
the very name Paramount was routinely 
booed at conventions of fans eager for a 
movie, a new ТУ series, a special, any- 
thing to bring their heroes back. Then, 
in 1976, the studio got a new president: 
Michael D. Eisner, whose background 
in TV. He reactivated the Star Trek 
project, telling a writer for The New 
York Times that his predecessors had 
“made a mistake” not realizing that 
through its TV exposure, Star Trek 
could guarantee an audience. “The proj- 
ect should have been done іп 1975," 
Eisner said. 

If it had, it would have beaten Siar 
Wars, the box-office champion of all 
time, to the screen. By the time Star 
Wars hit, Roddenberry was already on 
the Paramount lot, set to make a middle- 
budget Star Trek movie based оп а script 
that has been dubbed, facetiously, The 
Enterprise Finds God in Outer Space. 

"Actually, it wasn't God they were 
meeting" Roddenberry explains, "but 
someone who had been here on carth 
before, claiming to be God. I was going 
to say that this false thing claiming to be 
God had screwed up man's concept of 
the real infinity and beauty of what God 
is. Paramount was reluctant to put that 
up on the screen, and I can understand 
that position. But someday it would be 
fun to do.” 

There are elements of that concept in 
the present script (by Roddenberry and 
Harold Livingston), which at another 
point in the movie's four-year pregnancy 
ig to be the pilot for the flagship 


network Paramount and its parent com- 


pany, Gulf & Western Industries, hoped 
to launch. When that fell through, it 
was recycled yet again and in 1978 the 
making of Star Trek—The Motion Pic- 
ture was announced with Roddenberry 
as producer, the highly respected Oscar- 
winning Robert (West Side Story, The 
Sound of Music, The Day the Earth 
Stood Still) Wise as director, and all the 
principal characters from the original 
TV-series cast. 

Last to sign оп was Leonard Nimoy, 
the ultralogical, half-Vulcan Mr. Spock— 
who said his reluctance was due to the 
fact that he didn't want to get tied up 
in another series. Insiders, however, spec 
ulated that Nimoy, like some other 
members of the Star Trek company, had 
been unhappy with the compensation 
he had received not only for resid- 
uals—back in 1966, actors were paid for 
only some seven reruns, and Star Trek is 


144 now in its umpteenth—but for such by- 


products as Star Trek character dolls and 
games. “Sometimes the most creative 
writers at a studio arc in the accounti 
department,” Nimoy once remarked: 
an observation seemingly borne out by 
the fact that Paramount has yet to ad- 
mit—at least to Roddenberry, who owns 
a third of Star Trek—that the TV series 
has turned a profit. 

Despite that, they're all friends now. 
Except with the firm of Robert Abel & 
Associates, which with much hoopla was 
originally signed on to do the movie's 
special effects. After reviewing his budget 
upward from $4,000,000 to $16,000,000 
and spending a year working on optical 
effects, Abel was able to screen only a 
few partial sequences for Paramount 
representatives in February 1979. 

On seeing them, mild-mannered Wise, 
who looks like a silver-haired, bespec- 
tacled cherub and is legendary in Holly- 
wood circles for his equanimity, blew up. 
Studio brass huddled and Abel was 
canned. Months later, interviewed in 
his office in Building E of Paramount's 
sprawling lot, Wise would only say of 
Abel: "We have not been in touch. The 
air might be a little blue if we had." 

Signed on—reportedly for an arm, 2 
leg and a free hand at directing his own 
picture, if not for half the outstanding 
stock in Gulf & Western—was the reign- 
ing king of special effects, Douglas 
Trumbull, who directed the contempo- 
rary sci-fi classic Silent Running and did 
the effects for 2001 and Close Encounters 
of the Third Kind. Trumbull recruited 
John Dykstra, the man behind much of 
Star Wars and Battlestar Galactica. With 
the hottest special-effects team іп the 
business at the controls, work on Star 
Trek—The Motion Picture—sometimes 
round the clock, six days a week—began 
all over again (see Star Trek's Very Spe- 
cial Effects, page 138). 

As this is being written, the effects 
wizards are in a race against time, trying 
to get all those visuals ready before mid- 
November, when the film would have to 
be delivered to the color labs entrusted 
with making the 800 prints for the mass 
December opening. Edgiest of ай was 
the 29-year-old Wunderkind Jeffrey 
Katzenberg, vice-president in charge of 
feature production, for whom this is the 
first major motion-picture project. “This 
is your picture, Jeffrey,” Paramount top 
man Barry Diller reportedly said to him. 
“You sink with it or swim with it.” 

Katzenberg tried to clamp a tight se- 
curity lid on everything about the mov- 
ie—to keep his workers from wasting 
valuable time talking to the press, he 
said, but also because he was striving, 
somewhat vainly, to conserve whatever 
surprise value he could for the opening 
of the film. His anxiety was not without 
foundation; way back in February 1978, 
a Calilornia man stole plans for some of 


the movie sets and tried to sell them to 
the president of the Star Trek Associa- 
tion of Orange County; the FBI was 
called in and the miscreant was appre- 
hended, fined 5750 and given two years’ 
probation on a felony charge of stealing 
а wade secret. In yet another incident, 
bootlegged copies of the script were put 
on sale at a fan convention. 


. 
What is there about Star Trek that 
has made its following the most fanat- 
ical in showbiz history? Roddenberry 
suspects that people hope that 
mankind will survive another three cen- 
turies. William Shatner, who plays Cap- 
tain Kirk, thinks may fulfill needs 
people have for “otherworldliness 
their lives. Bjo Trimble thinks 
good sci-fi: "Star Trek,” she says, "is 
first series in which the Great Rutabaga 
doesn't invade Seattle every week. 

George Takei (Mr. Sulu) theorizes that 
Star Trek attracts a thoughtful audience 
that gets really involved—whereas the 
audience for I Love Lucy, another phe- 
nomenally popular series, “just sits back 
and enjoys itself, and that’s the end of it. 

Nimoy hypothesizes that the answer 
lies in the show's characters. "To me, 
there are six or eight TV shows that you 
could turn on and mistake one for the 
others,” he says. “You could put the bald 
guy in this one and the guy with the 
police uniform in that one, and it 
wouldn't matter. We on Star Trek, 1 
think, are specifically identifiable as i 
dividuals. Everybody knows who cach 
of these characters is and feels very deep 
personal relationships with them. With 
all due respect to all the shows that are 
on the air, I don't know of any other 
that will warrant a fan convention seven 
or ten years from now, anyplace." 

Whichever theory, or combination of 
theories, holds the answer to the secret 
of Star Trek, Nimoy is right on target 
about his audience's involvement. with 
the characters—who had inspired 371 
fan clubs at latest count. Some of the 
Star Trek actors һауе made a modest 
living out of that fandom, through lec- 
ture апа personalappearance fecs, but, 
on the other hand, many have been so 
seriously typecast that they've had wou- 
ble landing other roles. 

Prior to Star Trek, Shatner was the 
best known of all of them, The Cana- 
dian-born actor starred in some of the 
most memorable television dramas of 
the early Sixties: with Ralph Bellamy in 
the opening episode of The Defenders, 
with Lee J. Cobb in No Deadly Medicine 
on Studio One, as the idealistic trial 
attorney Lieutenant Colonel М. P. Chip- 
man on PBS' acclaimed Т/с Anderson- 
ville Trial—and, less successfully, in an 
abortive costume Western called The 
Barbary Coast. 

(continued on page 172) 


SCULFTURE BY PARVIZ SADIGHIAN 


TUCKING IT AWAY 


һегез something you need but seldom receive 
this time of year—savvy advice on how to keep 
more of your nest egg inside your own nest 


article By ANDREW TOBIAS тһе holidays are 


rough. There are gifts to buy, taxes to pay, contribu- 
tions to make, parties to throw, ski lodges and tuxedos 
to rent—not to mention doormen, postmen and news- 
boys you may never even have seen but whom you 
must nevertheless appease. (Mine send second greeting 
cards when remittance is not received promptly from 
the first.) Indeed, contrary to popular belief, it is 
financial rather than emotional distress that causes the 
suicide rate to soar this time (continued on page 178) 


146 


article By ALVIN TOFFLER you shouldn’t be surprised to find that every rule 
you've ever lived by is changing. it always happens when one epoch gives way to another 


Ten years ago, PLAYBOY readers caught 
а first, exclusive look al an extraordinary 
book that subsequently went on to sell 
6,000,000 copies around the world and 
add a new phrase to the language: “Fu- 
hne Shock.” Now PLAYBOY once again 
presents a revealing first excerpt from 
а major book by Alvin Toffler: “The 
Third Wave.” 

To be published by William Morrow 
in March, “Тһе Third Wave" may do for 
us in the Eighlies what its predecessor did 
for us in the Seventies—change our per- 
ception of ourselves. 

It is a sweeping look at the emerging 
future that deals with everything from 
new family forms and the exciting poli- 
tics of tomorrow lo the future of work, 
personality and business. It is a passion- 
ale book that starls out with the ringing 
charge that “a new civilization is emerg- 
ing in our lives, and blind men cvery- 
where are trying to suppress it.” 

It differs from “Future Shock” in one 
key way. While that book dealt with the 
processes of adaptation and change, it 
had relatively little to say about where we 
actually шеге heading. “The Third 
Wave,” by contrast, presents a coherent, 
colorful full-length portrait of the emerg- 
ing society. 

Toffer calls this new civilization the 
Third Wave. The agricultural revolution 
of 10,000 years ago started what he de- 
scribes as the First Wave of historic 
change. The industrial revolution of 300 
years ago launched today’s dying Second 


Wave civilization. Today we find ош- 
selves caught up in the explosive Third 
Wave of change. 

In fact, Toffler argues, many of the 
hard-toundersiand features of life today, 
in our fast-changing, complex society, 
make sense only when we analyze the 
collision of this Third Wave with our 
existing Second Wave institutions, poli- 
tics and personal habits. 


IN MILLIONS of middle-class homes, а 
ritual drama is enacted: The recently 
graduated son or daughter arrives late 
for dinner, snarls, flings down the want 
ads and proclaims the nine-to-five job а 
degrading sham and a shuck. No human 
being with even a shredlet of self-respect 
would submit to the nine-to-five regimen. 

Enter parents: 

"The father, just returned from his own 
nineto-five job, and the mother, ex- 
hausted and depressed from paying the 
latest batch of bills, are outraged. They 
have been through this before. Having 
seen good times and bad, they suggest a 
secure job with a big corporation. The 
young person sneers. Small companies are 
better. No company is best of all. An 
advanced degree? What for? It’s all a 
terrible waste! 

Aghast, the parents see their sugges- 
tions dismissed, one after another. Their 
frustration mounts until, at last, they 
utter the ultimate parental cry: “When 
are you going to face the real world?” 

Such scenes are not limited to afluent 


THE 
THIRD 
WAVE 


homes in the U.S. or even Europe. Jap- 
anese corporate moguls mutter in their 
sake about the swift decline of the work 
ethic and corporate loyalty, of industrial 
punctuality and discipline among the 
young. Even in the Soviet Union, middle- 
class parents face similar challenges from 
their children. 

Is this just another case of épater les 
parents—the traditional generational 
conflict? Or is there something new here? 
Can it be that young people and their 
parents are simply not talking about the 
same “real world”? 

The fact is that what we arc secing is 
not merely the classical confrontation of 
romantic youth and realistic elders. In- 
decd, what was once realistic may no 
longer be. For the basic code of behavior, 
containing the ground rules of social life, 
is changing rapidly as the onrushing 
"Third Wave arrives. 

Second Wave divilization—what we 
call industrial society—brought with it a 
"code book" of principles or rules that 
governed. everyday behavior. Such pri 
Giples as standardization, maximization 
and synchronization were applied in 
business, government and a daily life ob- 
sessed with punctuality and schedules. 

"Today, a counter-code book is emerg- 
ing—new ground rules for the life we 
are building on the basis of a "demas- 
sified” economy, demassified media, and 
on new family and corporate structures. 
Many of the seemingly senseless battles 
between young — (continued on page 152) 


ILLUSTRATIONS BY SEYMOUR CHWAST 


article By RICHARD RHODES better living through chemistry — 


not to mention biology, electronics and other fields too weird to imagine 


REMEMBER 1970, only ten years ago? Rich- 
ard Nixon was President. Watergate was 
an office complex. There was a war in 
Vietnam. Life magazine discovered wom- 
епз lib and Ford introduced its first 
compact car, the Pinto. Clocks had dials. 
Pan Am was promoting its new 747 serv- 
ice; the smallest computers you could 
buy were the size of breadboxes and cost 
$12,000—and there was no such thing as 
a pocket calculator. 

Now it's 1980. No one can say what 
truly radical technological changes the 
next ten years will bring, because break- 
throughs aren't predictable. But much 
that will come in the decade of the Eight- 
ies is already in production, or on the 
drawing boards, or, at the chanciest, looks 
plausible given a few breaks. And here, 
for your amusement and possible awe, 
in no particular order, are 80 of the 
Eighties’ best shots. 

cossypor. Gossypol, a pigment isolat 
ed from cottonseed, is undergoing ex- 
tensive testing in the People’s Republic 
of China as an inexpensive, effective 
male birth-control agent. Twenty milli- 
grams taken daily for two months pro- 
duced infertility in more than 4000 men 
at an elhciency of 99.89 percent—as good 
as the female pill, which is the best of all 
existing methods of contraception. Gossy- 
pol isn't a hormone; it acts locally on 
seminiferous tubules of the testis, dam- 
aging semen precursors and dropping 
the sperm count to zero or nearby. Side 
effects аге minor: temporary weakness 
that passes without treatment and, for six 
percent of the men studied, a decrease in 
libido. Sperm counts returned to normal 
three months after daily doses were dis- 
continued. Studies are continuing in the 


P.R.C. and the U.S. is watching. If 
gossypol checks out, sometime in the 
Eighties, you'll hear sighs of relief all 
across America. 

LONG LENS. Contactlens wearers can 
look forward to lenses they can wear for 
up to two months between cleanings. 
The FDA has already approved one type 
of continuous-wear lens for postcataract 
patients. With more research, а Jens is 
likely for normal cosmetic wear. Another 
type of lens being developed would make 
solt contacts available for correction of 
astigmatism. And lens-industry rumor 
has it that someone's working on a dis- 
posable soft contact, available in six- 
packs, to be thrown away at bedtime. 

вис Јам. The U.S. Department of 
Agriculture has discovered that insects 
produce extremely high-frequency "ra 
dio" waves, similar to microwaves, 
through the anatomical cquivalents of 
the paraphernalia of microwave genera- 
tion. The tiny signals work for bug com- 
munication, and the USDA is studying 
bug jamming as a means of pest control: 
The waves would be beamed at a par- 
ticular pest's radio frequencies and 
would interfere h communication for 
reproduction, Pesticides would thus give 
way to microwaves. 

IMGHPROTEIN Por. Developed by Coca- 
Cola, Samson a soft drink with a 
difference: It supplies one third of an 
adult's daily vitamins and mincrals and 
ten percent of his basic protcin require- 
ments—in flavors such as orange and 
mango. Already on sale in Mexico, Sam- 
son will appear in the U. S. in the carly 
Eighties, adding nutritional value to thc 
pause that refreshes, 

HOME ТАРЕ. LVR— longitudinal video 
recording—will overwhelm the vidco- 


8O WAYS 


cassette-recording market in the Eighties. 
Toshiba announced in 1979 a forthcom- 
ation of LVRs; Kodak is 
said to be working on ап LVR system 
of its own. LVRS use half-inch tape and 
a fixed recording head; they have two 
thirds fewer moving parts than VCRs, 
they use less power, they're lighter and 
more portable and they'll cost half as 
much. Toshiba has figured out how to 
prerecord tapes in less than real time, 
which means cheaper prerecorded pro- 
graming as well. 

GREEN Gas, According to Nobel laure- 
ate Melvin Calvin of the University of 
California at Berkeley, a wild shrub 
named Euphorbia lathyris, grown under 
cultivation for its hydrocarbonlike latex, 
could case the gasoline shortage in the 
Eighties and Nincties. Calvin calculates 
Euphorbia could produce 10 to 20 bar- 
rels of oil per acre, which means that an 
arca the size of Arizona could meet all 
0.5. oil needs. Euphorbia grows on land 
too dry and too poor for food-crop culti- 
vation. Other plant researchers think 
goldenrod and guayule—the later a 
woody shrub of the arid Southwest— 
could supply natural rubber to replace 
synthetic rubber based on petroleum. 

WHOLE CLOTH. Fabrics of the Eighties 
will do more for you than fabrics do 
today. Wrinkle-free 100 percent cotton 
is already coming into use nationwide. 
Specially шешей natural fibers begin 
looking good again as the cost of ar 
ficial fibers based on oil goes up. The 
textile industry expects to create cloth 
that changes color—an offshoot of the 
same liquid-crystal technology that gave 
us mood rings—but garmentmakers don't 
think there'll be much demand for it. 
More practical (continued on page 156) 


THE EIGHTIES WILL 
CHANGE YOUR LIFE 


149 


150 


for those of you who don't like to 
fiction By ROBERT COOVER 


о one night he comes in from us 
ing the bathroom takes off his 
clothes stretches scratches himself 


puts on his pajamas yawns sets the alarm 
turns down the sheets crawls into bed 
fumbles for the light switch above him 
bumps something solt with his elbow 
which turns out to be a pale white-haired 
lady in a plain gray nightgown lying in 
bed beside him wha—?! he cries out in 
alarm and demanding an expla 
told she has been assigned to his bed by 
the social security it's the shortage she 
says the $ not coming out just right her 
teeth he sees now in a glass of water on 
the night table private beds are a luxury 


ion is 


sleep alone 


the world can no longer afford she ex- 
plains adding that she hopes he won't 
Kick during the night because of her 
brother who has only one leg is ailing 
poor soul and is sleeping at the foot of 
the bed (this is true he feels him there 
sees him knobby old gent in a cloth cap 
and long underwear one leg empty 
pinned up to the rear flap) all of which 
has not heard about the world 
bed shortage takes him by surprise and 


since he 


with a gasp he says so to which the ом 
lady replies 
that yes yes 
what there is left of it is not always 
casy young man its what they call 


n her prim toothless way 
life in the modern world 


PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY SUZANNE SEED 


she's 


the progress of civilized pa 
heard about it on the tcle 
at least at least he still has his own bed 
has he not he's after all Juckier than most 
naming no names (she sighs) even if it is 


sion but 


only 
five 
panic five—! 
€ two more three in fact how did he 
miss them before a skinny oriental hud 
dish. 


three quarter and a bit tight for 


nd—five!! he cries rearing up in 


nd sure enough there they 


dling down behind the old lad 


water hands shifty eyes antiseptic smell 


ut as а mainspring and оп 


ing 
this side just 


quive 


rriving a heavy-bellied 
worker in ойу overalls staggering toward 
the bed with a fat woman tottering on 


stiletto heels huge butt squeezed shinily 
into a tight green dress hair undone eyes 
wet their 

int and cockeyed the—loo 


es smeared with swea 


of them а 
table send it flying lamp water 
and all upsetting the old Iady needless 
to say who goes crawling around on the 
splashed bed on her hands and knees 
ng for the teeth spluttering petu- 
Тапу through her flabby lips that wom- 
1% not allowed here it’s not fair they 
said five! the worker paying no mind or 
too drunk to hear hauling off his overalls 
kicking them aside his underwear belch- 
ing growling pushing the woman toward 


they—erash!—hit the night 
ў gi 


lool 


IN BED ONE NIGHT 


the bed cracking her big ass soundly 


when she hesitates making her yelp with 
pain not here Duke not with that old 
lady watching shut up goddamn you 1 
don't ask for much the old lady is com. 
plaining still scratching about for her 
dentures justice that's all justice a litle 
respect dignity a dress rips the worker 
blows a beery fart it's a hard thing grow- 
ing old but I don't ask for any prizes— 
pwitheth she says—and look at that 
chink Duke look at his goddamn eyes 
aring at but the worker 
ably and shoves her rough- 
ly onto the bed and onto its erstwhile 
owner now too overcome by the well- 


bug what's he s 
just grants ir 


meant outrages of a world turned to 
rubble and mercy even to move ah me! 
all this order he thinks as the worker 
plummets down upon them both like a 
felled tree and commences to fumble 
groggily for the bawling fat woman's sc 
of bliss (he could show him where it is 
but if he doesn't know how to ask po- 
litely to hell with him) all this desperate 
husbandry this tender regulation of woe 
the woman on him weeping and groan 
ing now ass high and soft legs flailing 
believe me says the old lady c 
still on her bony knees if I don't find 
ns to 
(concluded on page 316) 


my dentures there'll be the di 
pay | mean 


THE THIRD WAVE continue ron pose но 


“The Third Wave, as it sweeps in, carries with it 
a completely different sense of time.” 


and old, as well as other conflicts in our 
classrooms, board rooms and political 
back rooms, are, in fact, nothing more 
than clashes over which code book to 
apply. 

The new code book directly attacks 
much of what the Second Wave person 
has been taught to believe in—from the 
importance of punctuality and synchroni- 
zation to the need for conformity and 
standardization. It challenges the pre- 
sumed efficiency of centralization and 
professionalization. It compels us to re- 
consider our conviction that bigger is 
better and our notions of concentration. 
"То understand this new code, and how it 
contrasts with the old onc, is to under- 
stand instantly many of the otherwise 
confusing conflicts that swirl around us, 
exhausting our energies and threatening 
our personal power, prestige or pay check. 


ТИЕ END OF NINE ТО FIVE 


Take the case of the frustrated parents. 
Second Wave civilization synchronized 
daily life, tying the rhythms of sleep and 
wakefulness, of work and play, to the 
underlying throb of machines. Raised in 
this civilization, the parents take for 
granted that work must be synchronized, 
that everyone must arrive and work at 
the same time, that rush-hour tralfic is 
unavoidable, that mealtimes must be 
fixed and that children must, at an early 
age. be indoctrinated with time con- 
sciousness and punctuality. They cannot 
understand why their offspring seem so 
annoyingly casual about keeping appoint- 
ments and why, if the nine-to-five job (or 
other fixedschedule job) was good 
enough for them, it should suddenly be 
regarded as intolerable by their children. 

The reason is that the Third Wave, as 
it sweeps in, carries with it a completely 
different sense of time. If the Second 
Wave tied life to the tempo of the ma- 
chine, the Third Wave challenges this 
mechanical synchronization, alters our 
most basic social rhythms and, in so 
doing, frees us from the machine. 

Once we under: d this, it comes as 
no surprise that onc of the fastest spread- 
ing innovations in industry during the 
Seventies was "flexitime"—an arrange- 
ment that permits workers, within pre- 
determined limits, to choose their own 
working hours. Instead of requiring 
everyone to arrive at the factory gate ог 
the office at the same time, or even at 


152 prefixed staggered times, the company 


operating on flexitime typically sets cer- 
tain core hours when everyone is ех- 
pected to show up, and specifies other 
hours as flexible. Each employee may 
choose which of the flexible hours he or 
she wishes to spend working. 

‘This means that a day person—one 
whose biological rhythms routinely awak- 
en him or her early in the morning—can 
choose to arrive at work at, say, eight 
А.М.) while a night person, whose metab- 
olism is different, can choose to start 
working at ten or 10:30 a.m. It means 
that ап employee can take time off for 
household chores, or to shop, or to take a 
child to the dentist. Groups of workers 
who wish to go bowling together early in 
the morning or late in the afternoon can 
jointly set their schedules to make it 
possible. In short, time itself is being 
demassified. 

The fiexitime movement began in 
1965, when a woman economist in Ger- 
many, Christel Kämmerer, recommend- 
ed it asa way to bring more mothers into 
the job market. In 1967, Messerschmitt- 
Bólkow-Blohm, the “Deutsche Boeing," 
discovered that many of its employees 
were arriving at work worn out from 
fighting rush-hour traffic. Management 
gingerly experimented by allowing 2000 
workers to go off the rigid eightto-five 
schedule and to choose their own houi 
Within two years, all 12,000 of its em- 
ployees were оп flexitime, and some 
departments had even given up the re- 
quirement for everyone to be there dur- 
ing core time. 

In 1972, Europa magazine reported 
that “in some 2000 West German firms, 
the national concept of rigid punctuality 
has vanished beyond recall. . . . The rea- 
son is the introduction of Gleitzeit"; і.е. 
sliding, or flexible, hours. By 1977, fully 
a fourth of the West German work force, 
more than 5,000,000 employees іп all, 
were on onc or another form of flexitime 
and the system was being used by 22,000 
estimated 4,000,000 
workers in France, Finland, Denmark, 
Sweden, Italy and England. In Switzcr- 
land, 15-20 percent of all industrial firms 
had switched to the new system for all or 
part of their work force. 

Multinational firms (а major force for 
cultural diffusion in today's world) soon 
began exporting the system from Europe. 
Nestlé and Lufthansa, for example, in- 
troduced it to their operations in the 
U.S, By 1977, according to a report pre- 


pared by Profesor Stanley Nollen and 
consultant Virginia Martin for the Amer- 
ican Management Associations, 13 per- 
cent of all U.S. companies were using 
flexible hours. Within a few years, they 
forecast, the number will reach 17 per- 
cent, representing more than 8,000,000 
Workers. Among the American firms try- 
ing out fiexitime systems are such giants 
as Scott Paper, Bank of California, Gen- 
eral Motors, Bristol-Myers and Equitable 
Life. 

Some of the more moss-backed trade 
unions—preservers of the Second Wave 
status quo—have hesitated, But individ- 
ual workers, by and large, see flexitime 
as a liberating influence. Says the man- 
ager of one London-based insurance firm: 
“The young married women were abso- 
lutely rapturous about the changeover.” 
А Swiss survey found that fully 95 per- 
cent of affected workers approve. Thirty- 
five percent—men more than women— 
say they spend more time with the family. 

‘One black mother working for a Bos- 
ton bank was about to be fired because— 
though a good worker in other respects— 
she was continually turning up late. Her 
poor attendance record reinforced racist 
stereotypes about the “unreliability” and 
“laziness” of black workers. But when her 
office went on flexitime, she was no longer 
considered late. It turned out, reported 
sociologist Allan R. Cohen, “that she'd 
been late because she had to drop her son 
in a day-care center and could just never 
quite get to the office by starting time.” 

Employers, for their part, report high- 
er productivity, reduced absenteeism and 
other benefits. There are, of course, 
problems, as with any innovation, but, 
according to the A.M.A. survey, only two 
percent of the companies trying it h 
gone back to the old rigid time structure. 
One Lufthansa manager summed it up 
succinctly: “There's no such thing now 
as a punctuality problem.” 


ТИЕ SLEEPLESS GORGON 


But flexitime, while widely publicized, 
is only a small part of the general re- 
structuring of time that the Third Wave 
ies with it, We are also seeing a pow- 
erful shift toward increased night work. 
This is occurring not so much in the 
1 manufacturing centers like 
Akron or Baltimore, which have always 
had a lot of workers on night shifts, but 
in the rapidly expanding services and in 
the advanced, computer-based industries. 

“The modern city," declares the 
French newspaper Le Monde, “is a Gor- 
gon that never sleeps and in which . . . a 
growing proportion of the citizens work 
outside the [normal] diurnal rhythms.” 
Across the board in the technological 
nations, the number of night workers 
now runs between 15 and 25 percent of all 

(continued on page 180) 


cal 


tradi 


THE 


ELEVENTH-HOUR 


SANTA 


rest ye merry, gentlemen procrastinators. playboy once again 
comes up with a sleighful of last-minute yuletide goodies 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY DON AZUMA 


For those who want fo get a grip 
оп such easy-to-lose items as house 
ог cor keys, there's а solid-brass 
skeleton key tog (yes, it will even open 
doors), $4, or а solid-bress ruler key 
tag, $3, both by Lord Pendleton Lid., 
that should end your fumbling forever. 


This tolking electronic hand-held 
fronslator both pronounce: ond 
displeys foreign words, phroses 
and sentences in a variety of languages 
from Chinese to Spanish, by Texas In- 
struments, $300, including corrying cose; 
each plugin language module, $60. 


If you think the smell of the wild 
West is all horse manure and 
sweat, toke a whiff of the fresh, 
woodsy Chaps by Rolph Lauren spray 
cologne, $8, or ofter-thave balm, $6, that 
come in handsome tocledlooking flasks, 
both by Warner Western Fragrances, Inc. 


January moy not be the month 
for picnics, but come next spring, 
you'll be glod that you stocked up 
оп six six-piece snap-apart sels of French 
plastic plotes, cups and utensils in red, 
orange, purple, yellow and light and dork 
green, from Abitare, New York City, $10. 


The First Alert Fomily Protection 
‘System that operates on А.С. or 
battery includes a console that 
monitors intrusion transmitters on daors 
and windows, smoke ond gas detectors 


ond from which one can also activate о 
siren, by Pittwoy, $160 far bosic unit. 


This Dimitri Petrohilos-designed 

bed-sît corner choir with o zip-off 

cover is comprised of three 

hinged segments; flip it once from a 
seating position and you have о long. 
low recliner; Rip it once agcin ond you 
have a fulHergth bed, by Adeptus, $190. 


153 


154 


ТНЕ 
ELEVENTH-HOUR 
SANTA 


Computer Perfection, an electron- 
іс game thet chellenges both 
mind end memory, offers differ- 
ent skill levels that allow players to 
challenge the computer or compete with 


friends оз they seek clues that will light 
lights in proper order, by Lakeside, $40. 


The Hever Wrist Microsplit, а 
Richard Sapper-designed elec- 
tronic quartz stop watch with а 
large, legible liquid-crystal display thet 
can be тесе even in bright sunlight, 
measures up to 59 minutes and 59.99 
seconds, $165, including elastic band. 


For electronic TV-game freaks, 
there's Martel's Intellivision Sys- 
tem thot includes a Moster Com- 
ponent and two component controllers 
and а football game, $275; 13 other 
game cartridges cre available for real- 
istic onscreen competition, $23 each. 


With the price of ges these 
days, you may well want to 
tank up on wholever you 
chill in а vinyl-<oated five-quart Gaso- 
hol ice bucket in gospump red, $22.50, 
plus six matching Gosohol glosses, $17, 
both from Neiman-Marcus gift golleries. 


The next time you рісу Jimmy 
Connors or John McEnroe, 
one-up him with the letest 


status symbol, а зой наз: 3" x 8” 
tennisball caddie that holds three balls 
and has а leather shoulder strap, from 
Accents & Images, New York City, $42. 


Honds Free speaker phone 
needs no oulside power ond 
works on all telephone ex- 


changes; to place calls, just plug im, 
touch the button and the phone numbers 
you wish to call—to redial, push RE but- 
ton, from McDonald Distributors, $129.95. 


If you're а beterdhon- 
average skier, try hitting 
the slopes іп a pair of good- 


looking Stiletto ski boots thor offer both 
comfort and performance by combining a 
rocing-shell exterior with o soft, mal- 
leable Flolite interior, by Hanson, $240. 


The original Rainbow Wal- 
let, an extremely durable, 
ultralightweight woterproof 


billfold that’s made of nylon pack cloth 
with a Velcro closure, holds money, cards 
and whatever without making a bulge, 
by Rainbow Wellets of California, $9. 


oble AM/FM cassette that 
operates on both A.C. and 
D.C; features include front loading for 
cassettes, phase locked loop tuning, Dolby 
noise-reduction system and speakers with 


из, by Marantz, $750. 


Want great sipping? Brew 
your own espresso in a Rich- 
‘ord Sapper-designed Alessi 


stovetop sixcup coffee maker of stoinless 
steel that converts to с three-cup model 
by simply inserting a reducer filter, from 
Maurice Duchin, New York City, $60. 


For thote seeking status and 
organization, too, there's an 
Nalian-made pigskin brief- 


созе containing an ingenious tox or- 
ganization system, including a manual, 
summary sheets ond 22 compertments, 
by LoFato, $695—and it's tax deductible. 


Minialorm with mechanical 
mechanism end а battery- 
powered alarm features 


luminous hands, hour markers, sweep 
second hand and a chrome-ond-white 
rotating alarm ring with red indicator, 
by Timex, $21.95, including travel case. 


1 Model PMS 7000 is a port- 


155 


PLAYBOY 


80 WAYS (continued from page 119) 


“The secretary will be a luxury or a highly trained 
office manager, and the clerk will be obsolete.” 


in the coming days of energy conservation 
be cloth that adjusts itself to tempera- 
ture extremes, expanding and opening its 
weave in heat, contracting and tightening 
its weave аз а barrier against cold. On the 
comfort front, Du Pont has experimented 
with blending small amounts of Lycra 
Spandex into fabrics such as wool, flan- 
nel and corduroy. “This process makes 
scratchy fabrics more comfortable and 
changes tight, highly tailored fashions in- 
to garments that won't cramp your style. 

cartes oFF. Dental scientists continue 
to pursue methods to prevent tooth 
decay. It's now known that dental caries 
is an infectious disease caused, in sus- 
ceptible individuals, primar 
bacteria Streptococcus mutans. Е) 
this organism from the mouth by inocu- 
lation, deprive it of the nutrients it feeds 
on or increase the resistance of the teeth 
against its acid attacks, and you climi- 
nate caries (S. mutans із spread by kiss- 
ing, by the way). Most researchers think 
опе approach or more will prove prac- 
tical within the next decade. Look, Ma, 
no cavities. 

FIVE Bx rive. Nonprojection wall 
TV—a flat screen probably five feet 
square—will bc in volume production i 
the Eighties. Small flatscreen video dis- 
plays already exist in prototype. By the 
end of the decade, the new systems wi 
display images in full color at resolutions 
comparable to fine photography. Small 
units will sell for less than $20. True 
thrce-dimensional television imaging re- 
quires breakthrough holographic technol- 
ору; don't look for it until the Nineties. 

PLASTIC VENDING. Vendingamachine 
manufacturers are searching out mul 
dollar sales with the appearance of the 
Susan B. Anthony dollar. Next on line, 
in the carly Eighties, are vending ma- 
chines that accept major credit cards. 
Buy complete meals, oil for your car, 
most anything solid enough to 
store behind a slot. Sincc reliable micro- 
processors will run the machines, you 
won't have to kick them as often. 

FEAST OF FUNGI, The French Nation- 
al Institute of Agronomic Research has 
successfully cultivated the elusive French 
black оше, the fungus Tuber melano- 
sporum, and from a pitiful 25 tons in 
1979 expects the French crop to increase 
in the Eighties to 250 tons—joyous news 
to пиће fanciers everywhere. At the 
same time, American research may soon 
lead to commercial production of a 


wine—a 


156 delectable and liuleknown mushroom, 


the morel, which will expand from a 
wild crop picked in river bottoms several 
weekends a year to rival the supply of 
ordinary white mushrooms in supermar- 
kets across the Jand. 

FAST TRACK. Harvard introduced the 
world's first “tuned” running wack in 
1977. Its synthetic surface, attached to 
a wooden substructure, acts as a spring 
to propel runners in comfort at optimum 
speed. The track gives an average speed 
advantage of 2.91 percent, improves com- 
fort and dramatically improves safety. 
Tuned-track design should spread to 
other schools in the Eighties. When out- 
door tracks are tuned, Harvard designers 
predict  seven-second improvement іп 
the world record for the mile. 

monucut, In 1981, General Electric 
will introduce a better light bulb, an 
octagonal bulb with built-in electronics 
that will burn for five years and save at 
least $20 in electricity. It's a scaled-down 
version of the metalhalide lights that 
turn ballpark night games into day 
games. It's weirdlooking, takes a stand- 
ard socket and а 75-150 watt bulb; С.Е. 
expects to collect ten dollars apiece. 

POCKET PAL. What won't the Eighties- 
generation computer do? The personal 
computer of the next decade will be 
notebook sized, with a flat-screen graphic 
display—but it will weigh in with as 
much computing power as the most 
powerful computers of today. It will be 
capable of threedimensional graphi 
simulation, extensive data storage and 
individual programming. It will aflect 
your life at least as much as television 
and the telephone do. You'll program it 
to your personal and professional needs 
and use it every day. Businessmen will 
ely model their businesses, students 
will study, physicians will diagnose, art- 
ists and architects will design. It will be, 
in effect, ап extension of your brain, 
vastly increasing your memory and ass 
ing you at problem solving and in mak- 
ing decisions. You'll feel naked without 
it, and when you're naked may be the 
only time you won't have it with you. 

srace TRUCK. The space shuttle, sched- 
uled to fly in the Eightics, is no one-shot 
program. Its more like a near-carth truck 
service. No fewer than 487 missions are 
expected between 1980 and 1992. After 
that, a private corporation will probably 
buy the used shuttles and keep them 
going commercially until they wear out. 
Boeing has already expressed interest. 
While NASA's flying the shuttles, it 


act 


thinks it might take a few private citizens 
along for the ride when there's a spare 
seat. If you're a journalist, an artist, а 
poet, a philosopher or a teacher, that 
private citizen could be you. 

JESUS werr. In the interest, presum- 
ably, of. energy conservation, and after 
long labor, Keader's Digest will publish 
а 40,000-word condensation of the Bible. 

access. А phone/home "TV [computer 
data link is in the works for the Eighties. 
Such systems are alrcady being tested 
Great Britain, France and other coun- 
tries; General Telephone and Electronics 
has acquired rights to offer an American 
version of the British system. The de- 
coder costs about $100, the telephone 
carries the information and it's displayed 
on the TV. British customers have access 
to up to 250,000 pages of data—weather, 
news, plane schedules, sports results, TV 
schedules, price lists, you name it. It is, 
in effect, an clectronic newspaper. 

GOOD OFFICES, Factory productivity goes 
with automation, but office produc 
tivity has dawdled far behind. In the 
Eighties, the numbers will change. Auto- 
mated equipment—copiers, computers, 
word processors—will move into the 
office at an annual increase of nearly 20 
percent. Desktop video displays will pop 
up everywhere to supply business data 
from central company computers. Next 
will come computerized work stations. 
One system, by Xerox, is already under 
test at the White House. It's called an 
Advanced Multifunction Work Station, 
d it links a computer terminal to а 
copier to edit letters and documents 
electronically, to store information, to 
design graphic displays and then to print 
out finished hard copies. By the turn of 
the century, office work stations will un- 
derstand speech and speak when spoken 
to. The secretary will be a luxury or a 
highly trained осе manager, and the 
clerk will be obsolete. 

SWEET PEAS. Sugar snap peas, the hot- 
test new vegetable sensation going, will 
be marketed commercially in the mid- 
Eighties. Developed by Gallatin Valley 
Seed Company, sugar snap peas are de- 
lectably sweet and have tender, edible 
pods. They can be eaten raw or cooked. 

‘TOUCH AND со. A solid-state switch that 
senses direction is already at hand. Touch 
its surface and slide your finger and ік 
detects the motion. In the Eighties, it will 
make possible solid-state controls—on 
your sterco, solid-state dimmer switches, 
electronic games, equipment conuols— 
wherever there's a dial or a slide today. 

BLUE-COLLAR BACTERIA, Recombinant 
DNA is a technology for tricking bacteria 
into doing useful work. Scientists 
DNA—the material of genetic instruc 
tion—írom various kinds of cells into 
bacteria. When the bacteria reproduce, 
they follow the instructions of the guest 

(continued on page 200) 


с 


5< NEM 


= 
ма. 


“As of now, yow're the screw of the decade.” 


158 


ISLAND 0107 


ever fantasize about finding the girl of 
your dreams on a deserted isle? meet gig gangel 


Gig lives year round on 
Texas’ South Padre Island 
(above), a tiny piece of land 
surrounded by the Gulf of 
Mexico—and, for a while last 
year, by a Mexican oil slick. 
“Fortunately, it wasn't as 

bad as we'd feared," she says. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY KEN MARCUS 


YES, HER REAL NAME actually 
is Gig Gangel and, no, she 
wasn't named after actor Сір 
Young, nor is she a rock musi- 
cian, nor is her first name really 
Brigitte or Gidget or any muta- 
tion thereof. “Сір is my full 
first name," she tells us. "It de- 
rives from the word giggles, 
because, as a baby, I laughed a 
lot, so my sister coined the 
name Gig, although my parents 
had a distinct preference for 
Geraldine" Now that your 
skepticism has been assuaged, 
youre probably wondering 
where you've seen her before. 
On our October cover, of 
course, cavorting with the onc 
and only Burt Reynolds. Her 
account of what really went оп 
at that cover shooting: "To tell 
you the truth, when 1 heard 1 
was going to pose with Burt 
Reynolds, | wasn't excited at 
all. I know that sounds abnor- 
mal, but I never thought of 
him as quite my type. I was 
expecting a conceited movie 
star, but he walked into the 
studio in jeans and a sweat 
shirt and was extremely warm 
and friendly—a little shy, in 


fact. He cracked us all ир and, 
well, my whole attitude 
changed. 1 walked away from 
that. shooting just floating on a 
doud. Now he excites me а 
lot!” What else excites her? 
“The beach is really my main 
weakness," says Gig, who spends 
most of her time on Texas 
South Padre Island (population 
300) in the Gulf of Mexico. 
"Fm an carly riser—5:30 А.м. 
I get up and rum seven miles 
along the beach. Later, 1 go 
surfing or waterskiing: and a 
short time ago, I took up motor- 
cyde racing, because I once 
went out with a guy who was 
into that.” Highly opinionated 
and somewhat “bullheaded” by 
her own admission, Gig says her 
future plans are on hold for 
the moment, though she has 
had some pretty strong ideas 
about what she's not interested 
in doing: "For one thing," she 
says, “marriage doesn’t appeal 
to me at all. I tried it once—it 


"I've definitely been around,” 
says Gig. “I'm what they call 
an Army brat—we lived in 
Germany, Panama, Egypt, 
Hong Kong, you name it. 
After high school, I settled 
on South Padre Island.” 


“My ideal man is 
someone who is not too 
dominant, who can 
communicate and em- 
brace my ideas, some- 
one who can protect 
me and who can take 
mé as I am, someone 
who won't linger on 
my past. He's got to 
like the ocean as much 
as I do and he's got to 
be independent. Physi- 
cally, I prefer large- 
chested men with hair 
on their faces and I’ve 
always had a weak- 
ness for blue eyes." 


“I love to cuddle оп а bed 
stacked with pillows.” 


lasted three months—and, need- 
less to say, I don't believe in it. 
Nowadays, that little piece of 
paper just isn't necessary. IE 
you're not getting along, you 
should up and leave any time 
you please. Second, I'm not in- 
terested in acting at all. How's 
that for a switch? If someone 
were to come up to me tomor- 
row and ask me to play the lead 
role in the remake of Gone 
with the Wind, Y wouldn't take 
й It just doesn't interest me. 
Right now, my main interest 
lies in the possibility of stud: 
ing marine biology, with 
emphasis on sharks, which fas 
nate me. Another vision I get 
is to one day raise Dobermans; 
but for the moment, I'm œn- 
tent to just laze around." And 
we're content to watch. 


Surfing and running along the beach with her Dober- 
man, Bubba, ave two of Gig's favorite pastimes. 


PLAYBOYI = — 
оь po 


Gig appeared as the Bunny 
on the cover of PLAYBOY 
last October with the cver- 
debonair Burt Reynolds. “1 
always thought he was good- 
looking, but not my type 
exactly. That is, until I 

met him,” she says. 


ЕЗ 


2 
e 
1 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


NAME : 
BUST: 3A" WAIST: eT — urPs: 36e 
HEIGHT: 5/3 wercur: SSI: ЖАДА 


BIRTH DATE: 000/205 #7 BIRTHPLACE: Pausen Degaas - 
TURN-ONS: Klue syto, Sugen, thes tach, ААА ДАО, - 


TURN-0FFS: ада бае, ое раро, 1 Alena £, САВИ с.а Аел), _ 
FAVORITE MOVIES абда tA аы aL Ihe болд baa, the End. 
FAVORITE TV snows: Satuaday Night Hise), Blind Laer 
FAVORITE ENTERTAINERS : koga Вет дот, Barbara: Stute rac 


FAVORITE SPORTS: U4 fing, arn ttt hatte, op hab 
FAVORITE sooks: Еро ky, Shagirer, Ihe Belay, Lankitzrg _ 
SECRET окнам: Qae Cag Aes as gamann angea) Žž Ž 


IDEAL EVENING: 


PLAYBOY’S PARTY JOKES 


Guess what І dreamed about you last night, 
baby?" the brash salesman pitched to the 
somewhat sensitive receptionist. “What 1 
dreamed was that you were a powerful, ршт- 
ing, well-tuned luxury-car motor." 

“That's odd, Barry. but it's also sort of nice 
in а way," responded the girl. "Not like the 
offensively suggestive things you sometimes 
say tome.” 

“I also dreamed,” grinned Barry, “that I 
was the dipstick.” 


Legal Defense Note: A man hauled into court 
by his frigid wife for having forced intercourse 
on her pleaded that he had simply availed 
himself of a traditional domestic nocturnal 
privilege—raiding the icebox. 


A multimillionaire hedonist had an arrange- 
ment whereby the madam of a high-class 
establishment would bring him three girls 
every afternoon from whom to make a selec- 
tion. On one occasion, the trio consisted of a 
statuesque blonde. a petite but well-developed 
redhead and, between them as the girls lined 
up for inspection, a dark-haired beauty of 
obviously Eurasian blood. “Lovely girls, all 
ommented the wealthy client, "but I 
don't like politics intruding into my personal 


2" questioned the flustered madam. 
“Whatever do you mean?" 

"I mean," smiled the man, “that there is East 
in the middle piece today." 


Му girlfriend never makes а sound during 
our lovemaking 10 indicate her satisfaction," 
said the young man. "Do you have any sug- 
gestions?” 

“Maybe ribbed prophylactic,” suggested the 
pharmacist, profering а packet. "Here—try 
these on for sighs.” 


An ardent Scots lass in Rangoon 
Wen! down on a Burmese quadroon 
While the rising wind rasped 
Round the temple, she gasped, 
"What a night [от a blow! Come, mon—soon!” 


This is truly the plastic age,” remarked the 
career girl. "My two best friends are my credit 
card and my vibrator.” 


When an Indian shaman succeeded in driving 
an eyil spirit out of a beautiful maiden of the 
tribe, she exclaimed, “Thank you very much!” 
and proceeded to hug the medicine man. 

The latter's squaw was, however, angered by 
the maiden’s touching gesture of gratitude and 
in no uncertain terms told her not to squeeze 
the shaman! 


N.r.L Report: The Татра Bay Buccaneers 
have, on reflection, decided against changing 
the name of their cheerleader squad to the 
Tampack. 


Who nceds men?" sneered the independent 
young woman to her psychiatrist. “Whenever 1 
want to get off, I masturbate." 

"But aren't there times when, for one reason 
or another, you are unable to climax through 
masturbation?” asked the shrink. "What do 
you do then?" 

“When that happens," answered the girl, “I 
simply fake an orgasm." 


The first successful entertainment-field cloning 
was recently accomplished. The original and 
the duplicate plan to perform as a duo—under 
the name Cher and Cher Alike. 


A coquettish young lady named Pru 
Thought her peckaboo blouse was a coup, 
But returned to the shop 
To declare it a fop, 
For the fellows would peek . . . and then boo! 


Our Unabashed Dictionary defines fruit cup 
as a jockstrap for gays. 


Since the birth-control pills I buy for you 
come out of my personal funds." a liberated 
mother said to her daughter when the latter 
came back from a date at breakfast time. 
“maybe you should suggest to your boyfriend 
that hc at least 

"But, Mo protested the girl, "I don't 
know Ken well enough to talk about money!” 


Our Unabashed Dictionary defines buffoon 
as a naked clown. 


Having surprised her husband in the act of 
cheating on her with the hired girl, the rural 
housewife left the bedroom but then went 
right back with a 29 rifle. Aiming the weapon 
at the genital area of her spouse, who was 
cowering buck-naked in a corner, the woman 
“I'm agoin’ ter turn a bull 


no!” pleaded Jake. "Not like this! 

Gimme some sorta sportin’ chance, Rachel!” 
“Awright.” agreed Rachel through clenched 

teeth. "You kin set ‘em aswingin’.” 


Heard a funny one lately? Send it on a post- 
card, please, io Party Jokes Editor, PLAYBOY, 
Playboy Bldg.. 919 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, 
ШІ. 60611. $50 will be paid to the contributor 
whose card is selected. Jokes cannot be returned, 


spe 


2 Dı 


Mr Hofman with their molher at 116 
je Hae vr hids, А 


171 


PLAYBOY 


STAR TREK'S RETURN (continued from page 114) 


“Star Trek’ is the first series in which the Great 
Rutabaga doesn’t invade Seattle every week.” 


Perhaps because of all that varied ex- 
perience in the limelight—some of it 
with his actress wife, Marcy Lafferty, who 
plays DiFalco in Star Trek—The Motion 
Picture—Shatner has not fallen into the 
some 
subordinate officers have. “Actu- 
he says, “I suppose there was less 
danger of being typecast the year after 
Star Trek was canceled than there is 
now, because of the increasing popular- 
ity of the series. On the other hand, 
Captain is a leading man, a man of 
action; so if I'm typecast as a man of 
action, that's not such a bad way to go." 
Making the best of both worlds, Shatner 
has been touring with a musicand-light 
show called Star Traveler. 

Nimoy has been in constant demand 
since the TV Trek shut down—appear- 
ing in Mission: Impossible, narrating In 
Search of . . . on the tube, starring in 
Equus on Broadway, touring his one-man 
show Vincent, in which he appears both 
as the painter Van Gogh and as the art- 
Бгз brother Theo, and, most recently, 
playing the sinister psychiatrist in the 
movie remake of Invasion of the Body 
Snatchers. Still, when people see him on 
the street, they're liable to shout, “Hey, 
Spock, where are your ears?" And when 
he toured in Sherlock, audiences іпуагі- 
ably laughed when the man theyd 
known as the superlogical Spock, now 
Holmes, had to deliver a line containing 
the word logic. Not content with acting, 
Nimoy has waxed five record albums and 
written three books two volumes of 
poems and photographs and am auto- 
biography, 7 Am Not Spock. 

De Forest Kelley (Bones McCoy), a 
veteran character actor—usually a West- 
ern villain whom you can catch on the 
late-night tube in Gunfight at the O.K. 
Corral—has virtually retired to his home 
in Sherman Oaks, California, since the 
TV scries wrapped. 

"The stuff offered \о me after the 
series ended was crap," he says, "and I 
thought, I've done so much crap I don't 
need to do that again. Fortunately, 1 
learned a long time ago in this business 
that when you make some money, you 
had better put a little bit of it aside. So 
I'm not going to go hungry now. I'm not 
talking about living in Bel Air; I'm talk- 
ing about living a nice mormal life." 
Which he does with Carolyn, his wife of 
34 years, plus a dog, a cat and a 75-year- 
old turtle. 

Despite his recent semi 


rement, Kel- 


172 ley still finds himself instantly recog- 


nized. “ГИ never forget the time Carolyn 
and I went to New York and decided to 
take in a matinee at the Palace," he says. 
"Carolyn went to the ladies room and I 
waited for her beside an empty candy 
counter, A lady came up and asked me to 
sign her program, and then another, and 
another, and by the time Carolyn came 
out, the lobby was packed and she 
couldn't get to me. І had to have a 
couple of policemen escort me to my 
seat, and as I walked down the aisle, the 
audience was all yelling, ‘Bones! McCoy!” 
It was absolutely wild. And when we sat 
down, there were four nuns on one side 
of us and three on the other, and the 
people were passing their programs 
down for me to sign. And one nun said, 
"This must be terrible. You can't go any- 
where, can you? Well, just remember, 
Mr. Kelley, with every blessing that 
comes, there are penalties’ " 

Jimmy Doohan (Scotty) thinks he's 
probably the world's best-known Scots- 
man—though he's mostly Irish. “1 was 
conceived in Ireland and born іп Can- 
ada—Vancouver. British Columbia." he 
says. "But I fool all the Scotsmen—they 
think I'm really a Scot." Doohan can, in 
fact, reproduce almost any accent, but 
the one he's stuck with is Scottish— 
chosen for the series, he explains, “Бе- 
cause in the great days of the British 
mercantile navy, practically every engi- 
neer was a Scotsman; they were the ones 
who built the ships." A World War Two 
artilleryman and then a stunting recon- 
naissance pilot, Doohan appeared on 
4000 radio shows and in 100 stage plays 
before joining the crew of the Enter- 
prise. The Star Trek phenomenon 
brought him a unique fringe benefit: 
young wife Wende, a Trek fan who 
came to see him during a theatrical en- 
gagement in San Francisco. 

George Takei is the politician of the 
Enterprise crew. Back in 1973, he ran for 
the Los Angeles City Council seat left 
vacant when Tom Bradley became the 
city's mayor; he came within seven per- 
cent of winning. Now he's vice-president 
of the Southern California Rapid Trans- 
it District board—"Mayor Bradley calls 
me his futuristic bus driver"—and vice- 
president of human resources for the 
American Public Transit Association. 
Takei's biggest campaign at the moment: 
getting a subway built in L.A.'s Wilshire 
Corridor, {тош downtown under Wil- 
shire Boulevard and out to North Holly- 
wood. Takei carries his rapid-transit 
gospel wherever he gocs—and believes 


his Star Trek cachet has helped him tre- 
mendously in public life. “If I'd been 
Bozo Ше Clown, it wouldn't have 
helped," he says "but my Star Trek 
image gives ше a broad-based support, 
which has kept me from having to go to 
fat cats for aid." Takei has just written 
his first novel, Mirror Friend, Mirror Foe, 
published in December by, coinciden- 
tally, Playboy Press. 

Takei and Nimoy aren't the only writ- 
ers, though, among this Enterprising 
crew. Walter Koenig (former Ensign, 
now Lieutenant and Security Chief 
Chekov) is writing, rather than acting, 
almost full time now. "To be absolutely 
candid," says Koenig, "my film career has 
come to a screeching halt.” He can't say 
the same about his writing career: His 
credits include episodes of the TV series 
Class of ’65 and Family, a novel about 
the supernatural and a journal about the 
filming of the Star Trek movie, Che- 
kov's Enterprise. (Everybody, it seems, 
writing about the making of the movie; 
a book is also due from Roddenberry and 
his longtime assistant, Susan Sackett.) 

Nichelle Nichols (Communications 
Officer Uhura), a black former ballerina 
and supper-club singer, was catapulted 
by Star Trek into а genuinely way-out 
career: a consultantcy for the National 
Aeronautics and Space Administration, 
in which she was assigned to recruit 
women and members of minorities into 
NASA's astronaut program. As such, 
Nichols was present at the roll-out of 
America's first space shuttle, the Enter- 
prise—named after you-know-what—and 
was appointed to the board of directors 
of the National Space Institute. The 
American Society for Aerospace Educa- 
tion presented her with its Woman of 
the Year, Friend of the Year award for 
1979, and she has recently produced an 
orientation film, What's in It for Me?, 
for the Smithsonian's National Air and 
Space Museum. 

Besides serving as president of Women 
in Motion, a consultant firm specializing 
in carcer education, Nichols has written 
a musical, Ancestry, set—you guessed it— 
in outer space. "It's called Ancestry be- 
cause we are the ancestors of future 
generations, and we have a responsibility 
to them," she says. "We are paying now 
for the mistakes our ancestors have been 
making ever since 1492; in the virgin 
frontiers of space, we won't have to make 
the same mistakes. This musical is my 
way of doing my bit, my propaganda.” 

Majel Barrett and Grace Lee Whitney 
round out the ranks of the veterans in 
the cast. Barrett—who has been Mrs. 
Gene Roddenberry since 1969—was 
Nurse Chapel on the tube; in the film 
version, she has completed medical 
school and become Dr. Chapel. Whit- 
ney, who was the blonde, miniskirted 

(continued on page 308) 


ILLUSTRATIONS BY MARTIN HOFFMAN 


ЇЇ 
(ТА 
ПОПОТ 


Just for us— five 


manhattan designers 
interpret the eighties 


attire Dr Nb PLATT 


TO wELcowr the dawning of a 
new decade, we asked five lead- 
ing New York fashion designers 
to select one look from their 
forthcoming line of clothes that 
best sums up the direction they 
feel menswear will be taking in 
the Eighties. Interestingly, each 
designer based his look on the 
sports jacket, suggesting a uni- 
versal desire to start with famil- 
iar forms. But don't let that 
mislead you; each of the outfits 
shown is decidedly individual— 
as you'll see for yourself. Our 
prediction: The Eighties will 
be the decade of the designer. 


GL TRUM OT 


“Design in the Eighties will involve 
a cleaner line and a more geomet- 
ric shape, with wardrobe flexibility 
becoming increasingly important,” 
says Truedsson, whose spring/sum- 
mer collection for Tiger of Sweden 
includes the silk and linen jacket 
with padded shoulders shown here. 
Truedsson coupled it with a rib-knit 
shirt, a raw-silk iridescent tie and 
trim linen/polyester slacks. Ultra- 
light kid shoes complete the look. 


173 


174 


BILL BLAS 


A giant name in menswear design- 
ers, Blass thinks "it's а terrific idea 
to interpret the freedom of sparts- 
wear into a look that’s comfartable 
yet dressy,” while suggesting that 
“stretch fabrics for slacks will play 
ап even more impartant role in the 
future.” On this page, he affers us 
а look at what may be рап of his 
fall line: а cashmere sweater/jacket 
coupled with a cashmere crew-neck, 
а cotton shirt and corduroy slacks. 


XCNTI-TAUL GERMAIN 


A transplanted Frenchman, Ger- 
moin believes that “after years of 
being bullied by Europe, New York 
is becoming more influential than 
Paris or Milan. They are going dark. 
1 cm going bright.” To emphasize 
that point, from his spring collec- 
tion, he offers us a red vent- 
less double-breasted jacket with 
padded shoulders, combined with 
blue inverted-pleat slacks and а 
striped cotton boat-neck T-shirt. 


175 


176 


MEXANIKA АШАП 


"4| think men's fashions in the 
ies will become more versatile, 
with components thot con be used 
together or separately in a number 
of ways. A key factor is the resur- 
gence of color. Mine are generolly 
subdued, but offbeot colors lend 
themselves fo o variety of mix 
ings.” Here, Julian has combined 
о multicolor jacket with corduroy 
slocks, three-button sweoter ond a 
ploid shirt ond silk striped tio. 


Lj 


ДАП ПШ 
Flusser is inaugurating his new line 
of clothes with a nod to classic 
American styles. “Тһе silhouette is 
traditianal American-English, the 
cutis easy and saft, with a definite 
line allowing for drape.” Far this 
feature, he selected а wool single- 
breasted jacket with slightly 
padded shoulders and cambined it 
with a pair of flannel pleated and 
cuffed slacks, a checked shirt, 


striped tie and а cashmere sweater. 177 


PLAYBOY 


TUCKING IT AWAY 


(continued from page 145) 


“Knowledgeable People turn away from you, re- 
vulsed, when you even mention the stock market." 


of year. What most of us need is a whop- 
ping windfall profit —any kind will do— 
or, failing that, some business school type 
in а pinstripe Santa suit to drop down 
the chimney with а hot tip or bizarre tax 
straddle to help us sock something away 
for next year. 

It is a sad predicament and one I have 
confronted before. “We asked 21 people 
for their advice,” I once wrote, lying 
through my teeth, “and every one of 
them, amazingly enough, told us to buy 
stock in 5һопеу Big Boy Enterprises!" 

"They had told us nothing of the kind, 
of course, as I immediately confessed— 
my point having been, simply, that there 
was no one terrific thing to do with your 
money, let alone, God forbid, that you 
should put it all into some el-weirdo 
stock. I had picked Shoney's Big Boy 
Enterpriscs simply by flipping through 
my stock guide for the most improbable, 
outlandish company I could find. (What 
was it, anyway, some kind of stud service?) 

"Two things happened, and I suppose 
F should have expected them both. First, 
І got a letter from the proident of 
Shoney's Big Boy Enterprises, Не be- 
lieved his company to be neither im- 
probable nor outlandish; rather, he 
predicted great things for his sharchold- 
ers. Sccond, the stock did great things for 
his shareholders. In the four and a half 
years since, it has about quadrupled. 

Actually, a lot of stocks have done 
great things for their owners these past 
few years, even though you would hardly 
know it from the way the Dow Jones 
industrial average has lumbered no- 
where in particular or from the way 
Knowledgeable People turn away from 
you, revulsed, when you even mention 
the stock market. 

Anyhow, I recently went back to the 
same 21 people, explained our problem 
and asked for their advice. Three sug- 
gested marrying well, one mumbled 
something about cocoa futures (or was 
it cocaine futures?) and the rest, amaz- 
ingly enough, told us to buy stock in 
Shoney's Big Boy Enterprises. Plus ça 
change... . 

Of course, there are other things you 
can do. You can, for example, agree to 
January, as some 
families do, buying gifts for your loved 
ones at sale prices. Wait a few days and 
save piles of cash. But you won't do that. 
Then there's that watch you've been 
meaning to buy. You could get one as 
accurate for $29.95, but. no, you have a 


178 compulsion to spend $495. You could 


buy vodka from your kid brother, the 
chem major, but you will go the extra 
ten bills for Smirnoff. I know. (Nor will 
you save the bottle to refill with the 
economical Mexican brand, as I do, even 
though that, too, could put the healthy 
drinker $100 a year ahead.) You have a 
lust for life. 

In fact, about the only thing in your 
budget you would be willing to cut down 
on— not that I think for one minute you 
actually have а budget—is taxes. And 
maybe finance charges. And here I have 
a few pedestrian suggestions. 

Tax Dodge Number One: М you arc 
one of the many people who have almost, 
but not quite, enough deductions cach 
year to itemize—or just enough to item- 
ize but not enough to get any real benefit 
from doing so—try this. Plan to bunch 
your deductions every second year. Deter- 
mine here and now, for example, nol to 
give to charity the money you ordinarily 
would in December—give it in January 
larly, don't pay your 
п 1980 if you can help it— 
dump them into January 1981. About 
10 pay for а 51500 hair transplan? Wait! 
Pay it off 
is a dedu 
1980, do make your contributions in 
December. And try to prepay as much 
local tax as you can. 

"That way, you could take the standard 
deduction in 1980, 1982 and 1984, thc 
years in which your actual deductions are 
purposely low—but itemize substantial 
deductions in 1981, 1983 and 1985. The 
difference, perhaps as much as $2000 in 
added deductions every second ye: 
could save you close to $1000 in taxes 
every second year. Just by keeping track 
of when you write some checks. Right 
there you save enough money to buy, at 
current prices, more than 80 shares of 
now-what. 

Tax Dodge Number Two: This E am 
almost embarrassed to suggest, because 
you've doubtless heard it а hundred 
times. But hearing it is one thin, 
it, another. I refer to Individual Retire- 
ment Accounts (IRA), for people on pay- 
rolls but not covered by a pension plan, 
and the Keogh Plan, for people who 
have any income from self-employment. 
There are 10,000,000 or 20,000,000 people 
who qualify for one or the other of these 
tax-deferred savings plans—food stamps 
for the middle class—and have not both- 
ered to take advantage of it, And yet by 
putting money into cither, whether down 
at the local savings institution, which can 


provide all the (simple) details, or 
through a trusteed stock-and-bond port- 
folio you can direct yourself, you manage 
to do what we always joke about doing: 
You make yourself your own favorite 
charity. Instead of taking the last $1000 
you earn, paying Federal and local in- 
come taxes on it. and putting the rema 
ing $500 or $600 into some iffy corporate 
bond that pays 12 percent (you know it's 
iffy if it pays 12 percent), which is to say 
six percent or seven percent after taxes— 
instead of doing that, with an IRA or a 
Keogh you get to put away the whole 
$1000 and to have it appreciate at the 
full (albeit iffy) 12 percent. 

Eventually, at the end of 1,000,000 
years when the chief risk is that in your 
befuddlement you will have forgotten 
that you even have this by-now fairly 
sizable fortune—you do have to pay 
taxes as you take the money out. "The as- 
sumption is that by then, retired, you 
will be in a lower tax bracket. But even 
if you're nol, you will have had the use 
of the Government's share of your money 
all that time, so you will come out far 
ahead. 

Take a man of 30 who socks away 
$1500 а усаг for 20 years, to the age of 
50; and then, having put in not another 
dime, withdraws his fund 15 years later. 
(You аге not required to make contribu- 
tions to either plan, and you may with- 
draw the money without penalty at the 
age of 99 and а half.) Let us assume diis 
man is in the 50 percent tax bracket— 
that 50 percent of the last $1500 he carns 
would go to Federal and state income 
taxes—and that he chooses nothing more 
sophisticated than the long-term savings- 
bank certificates that yield around cight 
and a half percent. 

Without the shelter of a Keogh Plan or 
IRA, paying taxes on the $1500 each 
year and then on the interest, he will 
have $42,794 at the age of 65. И 


he will have $246,701. And alt 
latter amount would be subject to tax 

і come averaging provisions 
available), the difference is still enor 
mous. All for taking an afternoon to set 
up a tax-deferred savings plan. 

How to Save 810,000 on Your Next 
Car: Do you think I am going to recom- 
mend that you buy a Porsche instead of 
a Mercedes? (That would do it) Or 
that—since I labeled these suggestions, 
at the outset, "pedestrian"—I am going 
to suggest that you do without a car al- 
together? (That would do it) 

No. The first thing 1 am going to 
recommend, even in these inflationary 
times, is that you not finance the car. 
‘That you pay for it with cash. Why pay 
13 percent to finance а car, when at the 
same time you may be lending money to 
а savings association at five and a half 

(continued on page 302) 


“And did your seven other wives give head, too, Henry, dear?” 


179 


PLAYBOY 


MHE TARD WAVE ое 


“Third Wave rhythms spring from deep psychologi- 
cal, economic and technological forces.” 


employees. In France, for example, the 
percentage has soared from only 12 in 
1957 to 21 by 1974. In the U. S., the num- 
ber of full-time night workers jumped 13 
percent between 1974 and 1977; the total, 
including part-timers, reached 13,500,000. 

Even more dramatic has been the 
spread of part-time work—and the prefer- 
ence for it expressed by large numbers of 
people. In the Detroit area, ап estimated 
65 percent of the total work force at the 
J. L. Hudson department stores consists 
of part-timers. Prudential Insurance em- 
ploys 1600 part-timers in its U.S. and 
Canadian offices. In all, there is now one 
voluntary part-time worker for every five 
and a half full-timers in the U.S. A 
decade ago, it was about half that many. 
Even more noteworthy is the fact that 
the percentage of unemployed workers 
who want only part-time work has also 
doubled in the past 20 years. 

‘This opening up of part-time jobs is 
particularly welcomed by women, by the 
elderly and semiretired and by many 
young people who are willing to settle 
for a smaller pay check in return for 
time to pursue their own hobbies, sports, 
religious, artistic or political interests. 

What we see, therefore, is a fundamcei 
tal break with Second Wave synchroni- 
zation. The combination of flexitime, 
parttime and night work means that 
more and more people are working out- 
side the nine-to-five (or any fixed-sched- 
ule) system, and that the entire society is 
shifting to round-the-clock operations. 

New consumer patterns, meanwhile, 
parallel changes in the time structure of 
production. Note, for instance, the prolif- 
eration of all-night supermarkets. “Will 
the four-.x. shopper, long considered а 
hallmark of California kookiness, become 
а regular feature of life in the less flam- 
boyant East?” asks The New York Times. 
"The answer is a resounding yes. 

Mealtimes are also affected by these 
changes and are simi 
nized.” People do not all eat at the s 
time, as most of them once did. The rigid 
three-meal-a-day pattern is broken as 
more and more fast-food shops spring up 
serving billions of meals at all hours. 
Television watching changes, too, as 
programers devise shows specifically 
med at "urban adults, night workers 
and just plai iacs." Banks, mean- 
while, give up their celebrated bankers" 
hours. 

Manhattan's giant Citibank runs ісіс- 


insom 


180 vision commercials for its new automated 


banking systcm: "You аге about to wit- 


ness the n of a revolution in bank- 
ing. ТІ is Citibank’s new 24-hour 
service . . . where you can do most of your 


everyday banking any time you want. So 
if Don Slater wants to check his balance 
at the crack of dawn, he can do it. And 
Brian Holland can transfer money from 
savings into checking any time һе wants 
to. You know and I know that life 
doesn't stop at three г.м. Monday to 
Friday. .. . The Citi never sleeps.” 


SCHEDULE-A-FRIEND 


‘These changes in our social rhythms 
have deep, only partly noticed effects on 
the environment and economy. For ex- 
ample, while the increasing individuali- 
zation of time patterns certainly makes 
work less onerous, it also сап intensify 
loneliness and social isolation. I£ friends, 
lovers and family all work at different 
hours, and new services are not laid in 
place to help them coordinate their per- 
sonal schedules, it becomes increasingly 
dificult for them to arrange face-to-face 
social contact. The old social centers— 
the neighborhood pub, the church clam- 
bake, the school prom—are losing their 
traditional significance. In their place, 
new Third Wave institutions must be in- 
vented to facilitate social life. 

One can, for example, easily imagine 
а new computerized service—call it Pers- 
Sched or Friend-Sched—that not only 
reminds you of your own appointments 
but stores the schedules of various friends 
and family members, so that each person 
in the social network can, by pushing a 
button, find out where his or her friends 
and acquaintances will be when, and can 
make arrangements accordingly. 

The shift toward more flexible and 
personalized schedules also reduces ener- 
gy costs and pollution by leveling out 
peak loads. "Thus. electric utilities in a 
dozen states are now using Я 
pricing for industrial and residential cus- 
tomers to discourage energy use during 
traditional peak hours, while Connecti 
cut's Department of Environmental Pro- 
tection has urged companies to institute 
flexitime as а means of complying with 
Federal environmental requirements. 

Even these, however, are among the 
most obvious implications of the time 
shift. As the process continues to unfold 
in the years and decades ahead, we will 
scc far more powerful and asyctun- 
imagined changes and consequences. The 
new time patterns will affect our daily 


rhythms in the home. ‘They will affect 
our art, our politics and our play. They 
will affect our biology. For when we 
touch on time, we touch on all of human 
experience. 


THE COMPUTER 


These Third Wave rhythms spring 
from deep psychological, economic and 
technological forces. At one level, they 
arise from the changed nature of the 
population. People today—more affluent 
and educated than their parents, and 
faced with more life choices—simply re- 
fuse to be massified. The more people 
differ in terms of the work they do or 
the products they consume, the more 
they demand to be treated as individ- 
uals—and the more they resist socially 
imposed schedules. 

But, at another level, the пем, more 
personalized Third Wave rhythms can 
be traced to a wide range of new technol- 
ogies moving into our lives. Video cas- 
settes and home video recording. for 
example, make it possible for televiewers 
to tape programs off the air and view 
them at times of their own choosing. 
Writes columnist Steven Brill, “Within 
the next two or three years, television 
will probably stop dictating the sched- 
ules of even the worst tube addi 

The computer, too, is beginning to 
recast our schedules and even our con- 
ceptions of time. Indeed, it is the com- 
puter thar has made flevitime possible in 
large organizations. At its simplest, it 
makes possible the complex interweaving 
of thousands of personalized, flexible 
schedules. But it also alters our com- 
munications patterns in time, permitting 
us to access data and exchange it both 
synchronously (i aultancously) and 
asynchronously. 

What that means is illustrated by the 
growing number of computer users who 
are today engaged in what is called com- 
puter conferencing. This permits a group 
to communicate with one another through 
terminals in their homes or offices. Some 
660 scientists, futurists, planners and 
educators conduct lengthy discussions of 
energy, economics, decentralization or 
space satellites with one another through 
what is known as the Electronic Informa- 
tion Exchange System. Teleprinters and 
video screens in their homes and offices 
provide a choice of either instant or de- 
layed communication. Many time zones 
apart, each user can choose to send or 
retrieve data whenever it is most con- 
venient. A person can work at three A.M., 
if he or she feels like it. Alternatively, 
several can go on linc at the same 
time, if they so choose. 

But the computer's effect on time росу 
much deeper, influencing even the way 
we think about it. The computer intro- 
duces a new vocabulary (with terms such 
as real time, for example) that clarifies, 

(continued on page 268) 


SUCCESS AND ТІНЕ SIS-BOOM- 


AH 


when we unveiled some choice cheerleaders last year, 
the controversy threatened to end their high visibility, 
but, as you'll see, you can’t keep а good cheerleader down 


SOMETIMES you can't lose for winning. Just ask a girl who's 
been thrown off the cheerlea squad of a National Football 
League team. Finding such a girl isn't too difficult. The coi 
troversy that resulted from our first pro cheerleaders pictori 
(Pro Football’s Main Attractions, December 1978) led to the 
firing of nearly 50 girls from six teams and a sudden outbreak 
of morality among N.F.L. management. (Commissioner Pete 
Rozelle met with the owners and then gave a nice speech to the 
press about their intentions to go back to selling wholesome 
American football without so many artificial sweeteners.) The 


reaction of the press to the firings was a mixture of outrage 
and amusement, but the over-all eftect was to focus even more 
attention upon the cheerleaders. We followed the progress of 
many of the girls who'd lost their places in line on Sunday 
afternoon in last March’s pictorial What Do You Say to a 
Naked Cheerleader? Goodbye! and found that being fired had 
often proved to be a blessing in disguise. The publicity led to 
better job offers, proving that the cheerleader concept could 
spill over into other areas of public relations. 

Take, for example, the Texas Cowgirls, Inc. This group of 25 


When the N.F.L.’s Atlanta Falcons discovered last summer that cheerleader Penney Miller (below) had posed nude for another magazine, they 
dropped her. So she tried out for the N.B.A.’s Atlanta Hawks’ cheering squad and made it. (Howks owner Ted Turner has impeccable taste) 


"Everybody is an exhibitionist at heart,” replied Penney Miller (below), when 

asked why she had modeled in the altogether. Now one of the cheerleaders for the Atlanta 
Hawks basketball team, the FastBreaks, the 25-year-old Riverdale, Georgio, 

resident likes to spend her spare time boating and water-skiing. 


former Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders had 
just formed their own corporation when 
we published pictures of six of them in 
December 1978. At the time, their found- 
er, Tina Jimenez (who got the idea for 
the Cowgirls after she was cut—she says 
unfairly—from the Dallas rally squad in 
1977), said the girls were trying to make 
ends тесі doing department-store open- 
ings, T-shirt parties, charity softball 
games and the like. Now, little over a 
year later, most of the Cowgirls are earn- 
ing more than $1000 per week. Obvi- 
ously, Jimenez has been booking in a 
bigger league. "Being in PLAYBOY last 
year really turned it around for us," she 
says. "Right away, we began getting big- 
ger jobs for more money. The greatest 
demand was for the girls in the poster, 
especially Debbie Kepley and Linda 
Kellum.” “Тһе poster" is а story іп it- 
self, and one that illustrates the rene- 
gade cheerleaders’ tremendous potential. 
When we asked the Dallas Cowboys in 
the summer of 1978 if we could photo- 
graph some of their cheerleaders for our 
forthcoming pictorial, they refused to 
cooperate with us. So photographer Arny 
Freytag did a spoof of the original best- 
selling Dallas Cheerleaders poster. using 
the bare-breasted Texas Cowgirls in place 
of Cowboys Cheerleaders. We published 
a picture of the poster and Freytag. 
in an agreement with Texas Cowgirls, 
Inc, began to market it for twice the 
price of the Cowboys poster. Freytag 
put out $25,000 of his own money to 
print it, but initial sales were spectacular, 
so he didn’t worry about making his 
money back. Not, that is, until the Cow- 
boys filed suit to prevent the poster from 
being sold, claiming that Freytag's satiri- 
cal production was an infringement of 
trademark and copyright. Freytag claims 
he's exercising freedom of speech. "We 
know our poster was outselling the Cow- 
boys' poster," says Jimenez, "and we fig- 
ured it'd sell a million easy. Since the 
Cowgirls were to get 50 cents from the 
sale of each one, I think the Cowboys 
cost us upwards of a half million dol- 
lars.” But she says there was a bright side 
to the story. “What we lost in money, 
we've made up in publicity." The publ 
ity led to (among other things) six Cow- 
girls’ appearing on the Merv Griffin 
show, six more opening comedian Gabriel 
Kaplan's show in Las Vegas, a six-week 
tour of Japan by а sixgirl troupe, com- 
pliments of the Mitsubishi Corporation 
and the casting of ten Cowgirls in the 
movie North Dallas Forty, starring Nick 
Nolte and Mac Davis. 
Now the Cowgirls are coming out with 
182 their own poster, and Jimenez expects 


На Siders (left) and Jackie Rahrs (bottom) 
were fired from N.F.L. cheerleading ranks а 
year ago, after appearing in aur December 
1978 issue. Jackie was a Chicago Honey ear 
and На a New England Patriots cheerleader, 
but both girls are now on the same team: 
They‘re assistants in Bob Fellaws’ magic act. 
Appearing at the Chicago Playboy Club 
(below), Jackie (inside the bax) is about to be 
sawed in three as Ita looks on. Later in the 
shaw, Ito, not to be outdone, is levitated. 


to sell several hundred thousand over the 
next year. This year, the Cowgirls will 
also tour Europe and Ausualia, put on а 
show in Atlantic Gity and help promote 
nearly a score of automobile shows across 
the country. 

Getting away from the 50-yard line has 
also proved profitable for Jackie Rohrs, 


who was fired from Chicago's Honcy 
Bear squad last year after she posed for 
us. Jackie has her own cosmetic line, 
Jacquelyn K Creations, and she says it's 
been selling better than ever since she 
appeared in рглувоу. And just for fun, 
she took up magician Bob Fellows’ offer 
tobe his (text concluded on page 188) 


The popularity of pra-football cheerleaders 
isn't only an N.F.L. phenamenon; Canadian 
Faoiball League teams have their own gor- 
geous pompon girls, such as Vicki Clark, 21 
(left and below), and Wendy Len, 19 (bottom), 
both af whom are members of the Montreal 
cheerleading unit, Les Gentilles Alauettes. 
Vicki alsa works for а company that provides 
technical services to computer firms, and 
Wendy's aiming for a career in modeling. 


Lynde Hatfield (left and below) and Kimberly Smit 
(bottom) have been Denver Bronca cheerleaders 

for three and two years, respectively, but both 

plan іо move on to other things after the Broncos 
see this pictorial. Lynda appeared, clothed, in 

our December 1978 cheerleaders pictoriol, but this 
year decided that the team’s Боп on nude posing for 
its Pony Express girls is hypocritical. "Apparently, it's 
OK то use sex to promote football, but not the 
girls themselves,” she says. Kim, a computer 
operator, says, “1 know I won't be back on the Pony 
Express after this appears, but | don't mind. I'd 
rather develop my skills as a professional 

dancer and choreographer, anyway.” 


The Texas Cowgirls have been in business only a little over а 
year, but already that business is booming. Some of the 
ex-Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders who joined the Cowgirls 
were featured in our December 1978 pictorial; and they 
меге doing gigs such as record and T-shirt store openings 
and birthday parties. This year, they'll tour Europe and 
Australia and promote more than а score of auto shows around 
the country. Last year, Deborah Kepley (right) appeared with 
ine other Cowgirls in North Dallos Forty, was one of six 
Cowgirls who opened comedion Gabriel Kaplan’s Las Vegas 
show and also toured Mexico and Canada. Susan Grissaffi 
(below left) and Deborah Wagener (below right) are the 
newest recruits to the 25-member Cowgirls. Wagener, а Dallas 
Cowboys Cheerleader from 1976 through 1978, was on 

the now-famous original Cowboys Cheerleader poster. 


Last year was а gaod one for Texas Co 
Linda Kellum (lefi). She appeared on the 
Mery Griffin shaw and did a stint with 
Gabriel Kaplon in Las Vegas. She and Sherie 
O'Brien (below) are, according to Texas 
Cowgirls founder Tina Jimenez, “two of aur 
most popular Cowgirls.” Sherie was а 
Cowboys Cheerleader in 1971, 1973 and 
1974. Twenty-sixyear-old Sherie is consid- 
ering entering the field of medicine when 
she hangs up her Cowgirl spurs. 


Wouldn't you just love to help Los Angeles 
Roms Cheerleader Susan Shauna Sullivan 
(right) clean her machine? A native Texan, 
she gave her first cheer for her high school 
teom in Houston, continued in college (Texas 
Tech, North Texas State) and, after а stint as 
а stewardess, landed last year in Los Angeles 
Coliseum, where she can cheer her heart out. 
But Susan's heart is in acting, and she has 
already appeared in TV's Chorlie's Angels, 
Supertrain ond Fantasy Island. 


Julie Jourdan (far left and below) is one of 
the most popular and best-known L.A. Rams 
Cheerleaders. Iranically, she didn't plan it 
that way. She posed for on unscheduled 
PLAYBOY pictorial four years aga, and when 
we ran our first cheerleaders feature, we 
used а nude phota of her from that shaoting. 
Unlike the Atlanta Falcons, who fired Pen- 
ney Miller for having posed nude before 
becoming a Falcanette, the Rams didn’t 
blame Julie for the publication of her earlier 
picture. Then, last November, our sister 
magazine Oui finally published the entire 
pictorial starring Julie (titled Dr. Jekyll and 
Ме. Hyde) and, once again, the Rams were 
understanding. However, they asked Julie if 
she'd please cover up this time. Here's 

to your imagination! 


assistant. Another fired cheerleader, Ita 
Siders, has also joined Fellows as an 
assistant. Because such nice things have 
happened to those who posed for 
PLAYBOY, Denver Broncos cheerleaders 
Lynda Hatfield and Kim Smith risked 
almost certain cuts from the Pony Ex- 
press by posing for this pictorial. Lynda 
has been the choreographer for that 
group for the past two years; she's now 
setting her sights on acting school. “After 
all,” she asks, "how long can you-be а 
cheerleader?” Reasons Kim: “Appearing 
in PLAYBOY is worth more than being а 
cheerleader.” 

Still, everybody loves a cheerleader 
Penney Miller found that out when she 
was axed by the Atlanta Falcons because 
someone wrote the management inform- 
ing them that she had appeared nude in 
another men's magazine. Despite the fact 
that Penney signed her contract with the 
Falcons several months after she ap- 
peared in the magazine, the team fired 
her anyway. But she was immediately 
chosen for the Adanta Hawks’ cheering 
section, the FastBreaks. Not only didn't 
the Hawks see anything wrong with hav- 
ing Penncy cheer for them but the whole 
city of Atlanta scemed to think she was 
special She entered a context to find 
Atlanta's Top 10s (а promotion for the 
movie “10") and was selected “the num- 
ber-one 10.” Falcons, eat your hearts out. 
As a matter of fact, look out, you N.F.L. 
owners; you'd better keep a closer eye оп 
your $15-per-game cheerleaders. Some of 
them are sneaking away and getting 
rich and famous. E 


To round out our story of success and the 
sis-boom-boh, here ore Irmo Rahwyler (left 
and at leftin bottom photo) ond Lenni Wood 
(at right in bottom photo), two very good- 
looking, well-educated professional women 
who decided to try out for the Rams’ cheer- 
leading squad for a lork (thot’s they ot the 
audition, below). Not only did they make it, 
they stayed on the team о yeor, then quit to 
write what will probobly be o much-talked- 
about book recounting their experiences. 


PLAYBOY 


190 


STEVE MARTIN (continued from page 115) 


funds are being misspent. I like the small 
kind of charity. I think it's the best value 
for your dollar. [Laughs] 

PLAYBOY: You own five cars, three houses, 
an apartment . . . for a guy who tells 
jokes. you're not hurting. What's the most. 
extravagant thing you've ever done? 
MARTIN: In '72. 1 was in London and I 
bought а $1000 watch. I was probably 
making 530,000 a year, but it didn't mat- 
ter if I was making $1,000,000, it was 
overcoming the psychology of buying a 
$1000 watch. Another extravagant mo- 
ment was when I bought my first paint- 
ing. I think it was 5800. The greatest 
h money for me is paintings. 
And relief from the phone bill. Carl 
Gottlieb told me you can never have 
enough money if you collect art. People 
like me are an art dealer's dream. 
PLAYBOY: How many Early American 
paintings do you own? 

MARTIN: More than 40. I'm buying rapi 
ly with caution. 1 can't be fooled. 1 al- 
ways have the pictures looked at by 
experts. 

PLAYBOY: Why did you choose Early 
American paintings to collect? 

MARTIN: To learn that language. There 
was a Doonesbury cartoon that was fan- 
tastic, it really related. He's a rich kid, 
collecting stamps, and he says, “I've 
found this new hobby, collecting stamps. 
105 really thrilling.” He picks up the 
phone and he calls the stamp shop. 
“Send me all the stamps from Nicara- 
gua.” Hangs up and says, “This is great.” 
PLAYBOY: Do you mind talking about 
your collection? 

MARTIN; I'll talk about it, but let me pref- 
ace it with saying I don't want to talk 
about it. I mean, I'm aiticized for per- 
forming, for making records, for making 
movies, and I know one day I'm going 
to be criticized for my art collection 
"That's the one thing I feel I don't have 
to stick out. 1 don't have to have some- 
body write that this is a piece of shit, 
that d st ік lousy. So that in 
mind, after I said “Fuck you" to all the 
people who are going to talk about it, 
PI talk about it. 

PLAYBOY: Why do you collect? 

MARTIN: It occupies my time, my spare 
time, my energy. It's like going to the 
Bahamas. 

PLAYBOY: Are you collecting as an invest- 
ment? 

MARTIN: I haven't made a fortune on 
these pictures. 1 look at it as a luxury, 
not an investment. People are very un- 
familiar with the language of paintings. 
PLAYBOY: What's the most you ever paid. 
(оға painting? 

MARTIN: I don't like to talk about that 
stulf, because what seems reasonable to 
me, to most people is going to scem 
insanc. 


PLAYBOY: Would $150,000 be a good 
guess? 

MARTIN: There're none that are more. 
But there are a lot that are less. 

PLAYBOY: Could you pay $1,000,000 for a 
painting? 

MARTIN: It’s not against my nature to do 
it. The price of paintings is the biggest 
example of existentialism there is. 
"There's almost no explaining it. I mean, 
can a work on canvas be worth that 
much moncy? But they are, because 
people pay it. That's the only explana- 
tion. A painting is worth $1,000,000 be- 
cause someone will pay $1,000,000. 
PLAYBOY: Do you have a favorite painting? 
MARTIN: One of my favorites is the Rem- 
brandt at the L.A. County Museum of 
Art: Raising of Lazarus. It's a pretty som- 
ber picture. You can see Lazarus sitting 
up, he's just been risen. And Christ is 
there, he’s got his hand up and a look of 
surprise оп his face, like he really did it. 
And Lazarus is amazed, he doesn't know 


—— 
“Тһе greatest thing with 
money for me is paint- 
ings. And relief 
from the phone bill.” 


p! 


where he is. It’s just the most dramatic, 
beautiful thing I've ever seen. 

PLAYBOY: Didn't you, around ten years 
ago, actually have a show in a Los An- 
geles art gallery? 

MARTIN: 1 did a whole show іп 68 at a 
gallery in Los Angeles. It was essentially 
good jokes. I was intense about it, I 
meant it. 1 had an empty framed mirror 
on one side of the wall and the other 
side was blank and it was titled: Infinite 
Reflections. Two Mirrors, One Invisible. 
Then I had a rose in a vase: Invisible 
Rose, Unfinished. A lot of little puns 
and jokes. 

PLAYBOY: You studied philosophy in col- 
lege but came to the conclusion that per- 
forming was the better choice. How did 
you reach that decision? 

MARTIN: After studying Wittgenstein and 
Sartre, I realized that the creative process 
is the only thing that can’t totally be 
torn apart in philosophy. That it exists 
without rules, without problems of lan- 
guage and semantics. So I left philosophy 
for that reason. See, there are certain 
rules—you can’t walk through a wall, 
you can't fly. Everything else is what you 
create. So the creation of your life is 
what it's all about. "That's when 1 said 
ТИ be an artist, ГІ be in theater. И was 
the time to build my catalog of actions 


and accomplishments and creations. 
PLAYBOY: Would you say that your studies 
in philosophy left you pretty cynical? 
MARTIN: I would think so. Pretty cynical. 
Man is no better by nature than an ani- 
mal until you do something to elevate 
yourself above that level. Honestly, 1 
would rather save some animals’ lives 
than some people's lives. 
PLAYBOY: Speaking of animals, you're а 
cat man, aren't you? 
MARTIN: T like cats because І don’t have 
to take care of them that much. Dogs 
are like having a kid. 
PLAYBOY: Someone once observed that 
you never show emotion, which is why 
you like cats. 
MARTIN: It's false to say I've never shown 
my emotions toward anything. But I do 
like cats for that quality. Their ability to 
take it or lcave it. 
PLAYBOY: Do they protect you from 
burglars? 
MARTIN: Yeah. Killer cats. 
PLAYBOY: What's your biggest argument 
with the human race? 
MARTIN: That people don't take pride in 
what they do. Businessmen and execu- 
tives put out shit. They make shit. They 
sell shit. It’s all crap. There's no pride 
t- 
PLAYBOY: Like junk food? 
MARTIN: Those Saturday-morning com- 
mercials drive me nuts. "Wholesome 
goodness.” You look at it and its all 
sugar. Followed hy corn sugar. vanilla 
sugar and every kind of sugar. Then it 
goes into chemicals. 
PLAYBOY. Enough to turn one into а 
ian, which you are, aren't you? 
I once went on this Atkins diet, 
pure protein, pure meat. 1 got 
to hate meat so much that | thought, 
What do I really love? What 1 really 
love is cheese and vegetables and grilled- 
cheese sandwiches. That's what 1 turned 
to. I just cut meat out. I eat fish. 1 hate 
illing animals, but I love to kill fish. 
АҮВОҮ: Is it true you stopped tal 
mins because they started turning 
your hair brown? 
MARTIN: Yeah. But since them, 
sidered and I take some vitamins aj 
PLAYBOY; When did your hair turn gr: 
MARIIN: I got my first one when 1 was 15. 
It runs in the family. I've given two 
minutes of thought to шу gray hair. 
PLAYBOY: You gave a lot more thought to 
Somerset Maugham's book The Razor's 
Edge, which had a big influence on you 
when you read it What was it that 
reached you? 
MARTIN: The questioning of everything 
sacred. That was the first time I had 
ever heard that kind of thought. 
PLAYBOY: Any other books really help 
you lately? 
MARTIN: FIL tell. you the best self-help 
(concluded on page 213) 


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PLAYBOY 


PAJAMA PARTIES 


(continued from page 129) 


“The girlis clouding your mind with her gold G string, 
magic wand, diaphanous angel wings and no top.” 


black corset, net stockings, boots and 
whip—all offset by a single red rose. She 
carried the rose for its beauty and bou- 
quet. One docsn't ask а lady why she 
carries a whip. 

Hef inaugurated the Midsummer 
Night's Dream event on August 26, 1977. 
The New Year's parties had become so 
popular that it was obvious that once a 
year before bedtime was no longer the 
right prescription. Guests were іп exu- 
berant form that year and Mansion mem- 
ories fondly include the delicious sight 
of Playmates Patti McGuire and Marcy 
Hanson flashing for fellow revelers. Per- 
haps in anticipation of a similar happen- 
ing, this year's partygoers were in even 
better spirits, which you'll see as Variety's 
man in Hollywood, Jim Harwood, re- 
caps last summer's РЈ extravaganza: 

Аз the party gets under way, the apt- 
ness of thc title Midsummer Nights 
Dream begins to be apparent. Outside 
in the driveway, a constant stream of 
Bentleys, Rolls and Mercedes pull up 
and unload guests who have driven 
miles in their nightwear through areas 
where such garb would be very difficult 
to explain; only to arrive at a spot where 
any other would be impossible to explain. 

Still unsure of their own wakefulness, 
they are confronted with apparition 
after appari Timothy Leary, cur- 
rently unattached guru, with a shock of 
white curls topping his anklelength 
robe, passes by, declaring somewhat 
cryptically, “I think Hefner is one of 
the four great cultural influences on 
America.” Ordinarily, such a statement 
would demand pursuing, but this is no 
night for heavy philosophizing. Not 
when the girl just off to your left is 
clouding your mind with her outfit of 
gold G string, magic wand, diaphanous 
angel wings and no top. As cultural in- 
fluences go, Hef has obviously hit on 
something big. 

Beyond the entranceway, the darkened 
Main Hall is exploding in pin points of 
htness as a spotlight bounces glit- 
tering shards of light off the revolving 
mirrored ball overhead. Shel Silverstein, 
in a white terrycloth сабап, can be seen 
sharing а lollipop with a beauty in a 
shortie; Robert Culp walks by, resplend- 
ent in his own caftan, gaily decorated 
in а wopical-bird motif. Actress Misty 


192 Rowe (Misty, pLavsoy, November 1976), 


soon to be seen in The Man with Bo- 
garl's Face, is already catching glances 
in a black corset and choker. 

Although young ladics may wear less 
at a Mansion gala than they would in 
the ballroom of the Beverly Hilton, bare 
skin does not a party make, as many of 
Hef's imitators have found ош. More 
than anything, Hefners parties reflect 
fistclass care and  planning—while 
seeming so elfortless that guests аге im- 
mediately at ease. It’s one thing to think, 
Wouldn't it be fun to have a pajama 
party? It's another to make one work. 

Ordinarily, the Mansion is regarded 
as a fairly magical setting, but the sheer 
elegance of the grounds this night defies 
description. Suddenly, being outdoors in 
night clothes seems to be the most natu- 
ral way to spend а summer's eve. 

Decorations for the party have a suit- 
ably lavish fecling. Hundreds—perhaps 
thousands—of mums and gladioli splash 
their colors all the way from the house 
to the pool, part of which has this time 
been taken under cover, allowing buffet 
diners ап allresco teelmg even while 
inside a gigantic white tent. The tent 
encompasses not only the sloping lawn 
but also the pool area and the hill be- 
hind it. A specially erected dance floor 
shares the tent space and the warm 
breezes. As the dancing starts, the water 
of the pool casts reflections on the roof 
of the tent, pulsing to the disco beat as 
pink, blue and yellow lights flash in 
rhythm overhead. 

On the dance floor, more lights spar- 
Ме underfoot as big Jim Brown and 
bigger Wilt Chamberlain, both veterans 
of these functions, choose their partners. 
"They boogie side by side, Brown in a 
сайап and Chamberlain in a jogging 
outfit. (If Wilt wants to sleep in а jog- 
ging suit, we certainly aren't going to 
argue the point.) 

Director Peter Bogdanovich takes the 
floor, gorgeous girl in one hand and 
expensive cigar in the other. Handsome 
actor-tei pro Dean-Paul Martin 
looks on, his white robe barcly visible 
through the crowd of pretty tennis bulls 
gathered around him. Lovely Polly Ber- 
gen appears in a feathered silver night- 
gown, bared at the midriff. 

Before long, the dance floor jumps 
with a dazzling array of caftans, PJs. 
see-through nighties, garter belts and 


corsets; plus one unexplained toy Teddy 
bear that’s stark-naked. As the loud- 
speakers blast the Village People's 
YMCA. synthetic fog wraps the floor in 
a dreamlike cloud, but the couples just 
keep on ki the molecules. 

The quintessential host, Hef moves 
slowly and graciously through the crowd, 
greeting guests, pausing to pose for pic- 
tures, alternately biting on the stem of 
his pipe and taking а sip from his ever- 
present Pepsi. If his red-silk pajamas are 
any indication, tonight he is in an excep- 
tionally festive mood. Companion Son- 
dra Theodore, Miss July 1977, has let 
all the stops out, too, sporting an irides- 
cent white lounging outfit that challenges 
even the flashing disco lights for bril- 
liance. 

In fact, the whole Playmate contin- 
gent is in great form tonight, Debra Jo 
Fondren, 1978 Playmate of the Year, 
accentuates the positive with the sheerest 
while 25th Anniversary 
Playmate Candy Loving is overwhelming 
in a long flowing pink gown. Each wom- 
ng than the last. 
One must be very careful at these func- 
tions to avoid whiplash. 

Of course, if the whiplash docsn't get 
you, the calories will. One of the unsung 
joys of a Mansion party is the food. This 
is quite simply one of the best places to 
eat in town. Any town. Many a dancer 
makes a pit stop only to find that his 
boogie no longer works after refueling. 
At that point, the conyersation gets live- 
ly. Informal discussion groups spring up 
(о critique the sartorial onslaught. 
People watching and star spotting get 
serious. And, finally, romance permeates 
the air. Couples huddle in corners or 
drift over the Mansion grounds, ѕеекі 
е of the many special places where 
libidos can rise undisturbed, 

It's nights like this that keep people 
coming back—and others maneuvering 
months ahead for an invitation to either 
of these new Hollywood phenomena. 
Even burly Burt (Rocky, Rocky II) 
Young, who admits to feeling “pretty 
silly” in pajamas, says 1979's Dream may 
be one of the best among the dozen or 
more parties he's attended at the Man- 
sion. But will it be his special favorite? 

Burt says with a glance at the many 
girls nearby, “Check with me about four 
A.M, It could be tonigh 


Why not throw your own Playboy pa- 
jama party and tell us all about il? Or 
better yet, send a photo to vLavnoy Pic- 
ture Department, 919 North Michigan 
Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 60611. 


turn the tables to get a litile action in your life 


FOR A FEW MINUTES, just put your records away, you 
vinyl junkies. Lf you've got a pair of scissors, a roll 
of cellophane tape and a turntable that will move 
at 78 rpm, you're ready to start building your own 
zoctrope (illustrated above). So what's a zoetrope? 
It’s what Martin Scorsese would be using if it were 
not for Eastman Kodak, that's what. Basically, it's a 
slotted cylinder lined with little pictures showing 
different stages of an action. See those little picture 
strips at the right? When you rotate them inside a 
slotted cylinder, the little pictures appear to be a 
single picture of something in motion. Voilà! Anima- 
tion. Everyone wants to make movies nowadays, right? 
So here's a low-budget home production for you. We've 
updated the zoetrope with a little modern technology 
and socially redeeming art. Just cut out, assemble and 
place it on your Garrard. For full assembly instruc- 
tions and diagrams, turn to page 194. 


Everyone else 
й із running this 
«77 year—why not 
Little Annie Fanny? 
p>, 
کے‎ 
iy 
< 
ы Реа ШЕ 
2 a 


PRODUCED BY JAY LYNCH AND SKIP WILLIAMSON 


INSTRUCTIONS FOR 
ASSEMBLING YOUR ZOETROPE 


1. Fold the opposite page (the heavy black paper with 
the slits in it) along the perforation near the fold in 
azine. Tear the page out along the perfora- 
tion. With scissors, cut the page in half 


lengthwise along the white line. Now _,—=7 


you should have two pieces like 77 N 
the ones above. к 


9. Aligning the first slit of one piece with the first slit 
of the other (as shown above), tape the two pieces 
together at both ends to form a cylinder. Genter the 
new object on your turntable. Now you're ready to 
work on the movie strips. 


This shy ms. 
keeps а surprise 
under wraps. 


ASSEMBLY ILLUSTRATIONS 
BY PETE POPLASKI 


------------------------------------ін11 біні ӘМОЛУ1П0----------------------------------- 


ew ҒА | 


[S ULL Оер Wraps. 


3. Find the movie strips with Annie Fanny оп one side 
and the flasher on the other (pages 193-191). Cut out 
the strips along the heavy black and white lines. Over- 
lap the last full images (they're marked with a plus 
sign) and tape the strip in place. Do not make a cylin- 
der. You'll want to flip back and forth between Annie 
and the flasher, we assure you. Do the same thing with 
the Femlin/Steve Martin strips on pages 197-198. 


4. Now you're ready for the show—movies without 
movie lights. Place one of the picture strips inside the 
cylinder, flush with the turntable, bending the strip to 
conform to the cylinder's curve. Now position yourself 
in front of your movie cylinder. Set your speed control 
at 78 rpm and let the turntable spin. Look through the 
slits and see Annie Fanny jog, the flasher flash, the 
Femlin kick and Steve Martin get small. Ready? Со! 


You'll get a kick 
out of the 
Femlin follies. 


WE DON'T WANT TO Pust the panic button, but it seems 
once you start fooling around with the immutable 
laws of physics and the secrets of the universe, strange 
things start to happen. You saw The Time Machine? 
From the days when Icarus crashed to the sea in 
a molten heap (hence the term molting), man has in- 
vestigated with trepidation the hoary wonders of 
science. The same holds true for man's attempts at 
animation. Jt wasn't all Mickey Mouse, you know. In 
the 16th Century, long before 70-millimeter film and 
Sensurround, tinkers tried to make images jump with 
little flip books or paper rolls that showed a person 
dancing when they were rapidly flipped or unrolled. 
Anyone caught with such entertainments was accused 
of deviltry and worshiping graven images and was 
punished accordingly. It's no wonder animation didn't 
take off until the early 19th Century, when a guy 
named Roget delved into persistence of vision, 
known as the stroboscopic effect. All of that refers to 
the process wherein the brain retains an image of an 
object for a fraction of a second after the object is 
gone: The vision persis Another guy, named Plateau, 
produced a simple animation device—but, unfortu. 
nately, became partially blind while testing his theo- 
rics. He stared at the sun for 20 seconds; his vision did 
not persist. We told you this wasn't kid's stuff. Baron 
Franz von Uchatius, an Austro-Hungarian artillery 
officer, concocted а sophisticated contraption for ani- 
mation involving projection. Gleefully, he sold the 
patent to Ludwig Dobler, who amassed great wealth 
and bought a castle. Uchatius tricd to get recognition 
for his work but concluded his failure with suicide. A 
messy business, no? A fellow in France conjured up 
images of dead French Revolutionary heroes. When 
he tried to bring back Louis XVI, French authorities 
shut him down. 1п 1834, when Englislunan William 
Horner came up with a device similar to ours in con- 
cept, Britons dubbed it "the wheel of the Dev 
Typically, the French later named a similar device the 
zoetrope, or “wheel of life." ‘The French and English 
roetropes required a hand crank and produced some- 
what jumpy animations. Ours has been streamlined 
for use on a modern record turntable and includes 
more frames Шап the waditional tcn, giving smoother 
action, Traveling at 78 rpm, our strips are nearly as 
smooth as real movies, which pass before your eyes at 
4 frames per second. By the way. the dark side of 
animation tied to smother our project, too. Car- 
toonist Jay Lynch and rrAynov Associate Art Director 
Skip Williamson, boy wonders behind the scenes, 
muddled through countless technical snafus, gauging 
just the right amount of distortion to make the image 
work realistically. Just when the work scemed to be on 
the right tack, Lynch returned home one night to 
find his apartment destroyed by fire, his book on 


zoctropes swallowed by flames. Lynch says he's now 
ready to settle down, have a family and forget this 
gadgetry, once and for all 


Here’s where 
Steve Martin really 
gets small. 


“Great little party, huh? And we're still in the elevator!” 


199 


PLAYBOY 


80 WAYS (continued from page 156) 


“Powdered drinks are coming, via microencapsula- 


tion. Look for powdered wine and daiquiri. 


235 


DNA along with their own and manu- 
facture whatever is programed. Think 
of a miniature Xcrox machine. In the 
Eighties, bacteria factories will produce 
human insulin, growth hormone, clotting 
factor and other scarce or expensive 
medical substances in plentiful supply 
and at reasonable cost. 

номе Movies. Video-tape and disc 
systems already make it possible to watch 
recent-vintage motion pictures without 
interruption at home. In the Eighties, as 
the number of units increases into the 
millions, film-production companies will 
begin making featurelength films for 
home release. Theaters won't fold, but 
creasingly they'll be reserved for high- 
ticket extravaganzas. Can a home pop- 
corn pipeline be far behind? 

FIVEFINGER EXERCISE. lf you don't 
know how to type, you've becn stuck so 
far with laborious handwriting. No more. 
Britain's Microwriter Ltd. is currently 
producing, but not yet selling, a five-key 
writing machine utilizing microprocessor 
technology that makes it possible to 
"handwrite" typing. Your fingers on a 
Keyboard, hardly moving, will imitate 
roughly the shapes of letters, numbers 
and punctuation marks; the machine will 
do the rest, displaying the text visually for 

ng and then printing it out on a linc 
printer. You'll want one in the Eighties, 
especially since the Microwriter can give 
nontypists access to computer terminals. 

LAID-BACK LOBSTER. Researchers іп 
aquaculture at San Diego State Univer- 
sity have discovered that tasty lobsters 
descended from the best New England 
stock grow up to four times as fast in 
warm water and cost les to produce. 
Lobster farming approaches the com- 
mercial stage: Look for lower-priced 
Homarus americanus from Southern 
California on your supermarket shelf as 
the Eighties той. 

ASTHMA CURE. Swedish researchers re- 
cently identified the substance that causes 
bronchial tubes to contract and choke 
off air to asthma victims. Now that they 
know what it is, they can figure out how 
to inhibit it, Expect relief from the 
painful symptoms of bronchial asthma 
in the airy Eighties. 

maLLEY's сомет. The best and brigh 
est of all che comets will make its last 
20th Century appearance beginning in 
1985, with perihelion on February 9, 
1986. Its head is luminous and spherical 
and bright as Ше brightest star, its spec- 
tacular tail two thirds as long as the dis- 


200 tance from the horizon to overhead. 


Hallcy's comet will spark fads, songs and 
names for the baby. People will get to- 
gether for comet parties; there'll be pre- 
dictions of the end of the world. 

DRY MARTINI. Powdered drinks are com- 
ing, via microencapsulation. The flavor- 
іп за dry coating outside; inside is the 
liquid booze. Water makes it a beverage 
again. Look for powdered wine, bloody 
mary, screwdriver, daiquiri and Irish 
coffee as soon as the U.S. Treasury De- 
partment figures out how to tax them. 

HAPPY HOME. Another i 
processor fix: the Amcrican home. With 
suitable sensors, and probably working 
through your electrical wiring, the micro- 
processor can open and close garage 
doors, turn lights on and off, adjust heat- 
ing/air conditioning to any sequence of 
preset levels оғ іп response to outside 
temperature changes, run stereo, TV and 
itchen equipment, collect and deliver 
messages, control security, turn on heaters 
to melt sidewalk and driveway snow 
and. . . . And almost anything else you 
can think of that can be plugged into a 
wall. The first such automatic houses are 
already in operation. Obviously, they 
cost a bundle. In the Eighties, the cost 
will come down. 

war сив. The U.S, the USSR, 
Great Britain, France, the People’s Re- 
public of China, India and probably 
Israel presently have nuclear weapons. 
In the next decade, the nuclear club is 
likely to expand to include Argentina, 
Brazil, South Africa, Pakistan and Tai- 
wan, dramatically increasing the risk of 
nuclear war. Some military analysts con- 
sider war likely between the U.S.S.R. and. 
the P.R.C. before 1981. Duci 

TELEPHONE TALK. Phones will begin 
going all electronic in the Eighties, which 
means they'll be smaller, lighter and as 
varied in shape, color and function as 
designers choose to make them. Video- 
phones will become available for resi- 
dential use in some major cities. Call 
forwarding, already offered as a local 
option in cities with electronic switching, 
will go national, meaning you can have 
some or all of the calls you receive for- 
warded to you wherever in the U. S. you 
ght be—forwarded from your Santa 
Barbara condo to your New York hotel 
room, for example. Your phone will 
become your computer link, and through 
it you'll be able to control home systems, 
send and receive mail, call up a vast 
variety of information, vote, order some- 
one's phone number by punching in her 
name and, probably, bank and shop 


directly—without_ going through clerks. 
Eventually, you'll have а national phone 
number and a portable pocket phone. 
Anyone will be able to call you fr 
anywhere; the switching system 
find you and give you a ring. 
stereo ту. Japan added multichannel 
sound—stcrco sound—to its television- 
broadcasting system in the autumn of 
1978; the FCC is studying licensing it in 
the U.S. It's two or three years away. 
Sound qu s said to approach that of 
broadcast FM stereo. The second channel 
of sound can also provide a second 
language channel for dubbing forcign- 
language films, or a second, audio-only 
as broadcast music or 


coverage 
€ MAIL. The U. 5. Postal Serv- 
ice is testing instant international mes- 
sage service Ма COMSAT to London, 
Paris, Frankfurt, Amsterdam, Brussels 
and Buenos Aires. Used mostly by banks 
and corporations now, it will become 
even more widesprcad in the Eighties— 
as additional satellites go up and trans- 
mission costs come down. 

BEST BEEF. Genetic engineering ad- 
vances more rapidly in animal science 
than in human; in the Seventies, cattle 
breeders routinely implanted fertilized 
eggs from prize cows into grade “carrier” 
cows and increased the prize cows’ 
time average number of offspring from 
five to more than 40. In the Eighties, 
expect cattle breeders to done their 
highest-quality animals and grow the 
clones to birth weight in carrier cows— 
making high-quality prize beef routinely 
available in quantity. 

SOMETHING BORROWED. Reliable organ 
transplantation is a major medical bless- 
ing predicted for the Eighties. It depends 
оп breakthroughs in understanding the 
body's immune system that haven't yet 
come but that researchers believe are 
tantalizingly near. Manipulating the 
immune system to avoid rejection, sur- 
gcons will be able to transplant all major 
body organs: liver, heart, lungs, kidneys; 
even, probably, the head. 

JOCK INFLATION. Texas inventor Byron 
Donzis' inflatable sports equipment will 
sweep the field in the early Eighties. 
Donzis is designing gear to replace all 
the National Football League's existing 
padding with inflatables. The National 
Hockey League comes next. The na- 
tional Forest Service wants inflatable 
smoke-jumper suits and Donzis expects 
to outmode goose down (the inflatable 
stuff is warm) and to expand to inflat- 
able luggage and clothing. His inflatable 
running shoes can be adjusted at һесі 
and toe with valves. 

ADDITIVE SUBTRACTION. Red dye number 
two causes cancer, right? Right, but only 
if it’s absorbed into the body. New tech- 
nology coming in the Eighties will leash 
(continued on page 263) 


ILLUSTRATION BY ERALOO CARUGATI 


3, MIKE Bossy is flying. The National Hockey League's leading goal scorer is 
effortlessly gliding down the right side of the rink. Everything is in harmony— 
his legs are pumping with rhythmic precision. his skates are barely scratching 


the frozen surface, the puck is gently caressing the blade of his stick. 


At center ice, he slides the rubber disk over to his Islander teammate, center 
Bryan Trottier. Then, unburdened, he bursts toward the Rangers’ blue line, 
down an open lane near the boards, The 17,500 fans packed into Madison 


Square Garden breathe as one when Trottier slaps the puck into the corner. 
sports Bossy lowers his helmeted head and starts in pursuit of the projectile. If he 
beats the defenseman to the puck, his wicked slap shot can find its way into 
By LARRY SLOMAN the net trom almost any angle. In goal, John Davidson tenses up for the 
imminent encounter. 

: E | Boom. Mike Bossy is flying. Only this time, he's got help. Thanks to Don 
the inscrutable force behind hockeyS — Maloney, the Ranger rookie left wing, who precisely drives the Islander into 
new york rangers moves men the boards, placing Bossy’s face in harmony with the crystal-ciear tem- 

В pered glass that spares the frontrow fans from such indignities as а 
by moving them to move themselves риск in the mouth or a stick behind the car. (continued on page 206) 201 


ГҮЛ 


The DEADLY WEAPON 


PLAYBOY 


SHEROS SYSTEM (continued from page 201) 


“We may not make a lot of money,’ says $650,000- 


a-year man Ulf Nilsson, ‘but we sure have fun. 


23 


А roar envelops the ice. Behind the 
Ranger bench, a smallish, bespectacled 
man interrupts his pacing to watch the 
collision on the other side of the rink. 
“That's the way to do it, kid," Fred 
Shero, the Rangers’ coach, softly tells 
Maloney, as if his words had wings. 
"Rub the winger. Good onc." But on the 
bench, it's like the E. F. Hutton commer- 
cial, everyone leaning іп toward the 
coach, When Shero talks, everybody 
listens. With good reason. It might just 
be the most he'll say to th 

“I used to come in and say, ‘Good 
morning, Freddie, ” Phil Esposito, the 
Rangers’ star center, remembers. “Noth- 
ing. So I walk ош and say, ‘Nice talking 
to you." After a year under the Shero 
regime, the players have grown accus- 
tomed to their coach's little idiosyncra- 
sics. Like sitting out someone who's 
scored а flurry of goals because he might 
have been lucky. Or sending out onto 
the ice someone who's already in thc 
penalty box. Or walking up, firing an 
enigmatic one-liner, then drifting away 
like smoke. 

But no one’s complaining. For 39 
years, the Rangers understood their 
coaches perfectly and never won a Stan- 
ley Cup. Last year, the Shero team, which 
includes assistants Mike Nykoluk and 
Mickey Keating, brought New York 
three games from upsetting the Montreal 
dynasty and lugging that legendary hock- 
ey hardware home to Manhattan—where 
the Rangers have become instant heroes. 
Bar owners fall over one another for 
their patronage, young models and ac- 
tresses vie for their attention, celebs like 
Joni Mitchell, country singer Kinky 
Friedman, Glenn Frey (of the Eagles) 
and Andy Warhol invite them to parties. 
Even the red-velvet ropes at Studio 54 
yield obediently at their approach. “We 
may not make a lot of money,” says 
$650,000-a-ycar man Ulf Nilsson, “but 
we sure have a lot of fun.” 

. 

In sports, it’s easy to have fun when 
yowre winning. And when the Rang- 
ers wooed Shero from Philadelphia with 
a fiveyear pact worth a reported 
$1,250,000, they knew they were getting 
a winner. Six play-off championships as a 
coach in the minors. Two Stanley Cups 
and four division titles in seven years 
with the Philadelphia Flyers, an expan- 


ion than for its finesse. 
New York was also getting hockey’s 


206 leading iconoclast, A coach who shunned 


pep talks, and talk in general, preferring 
to communicate to his players through 
memos and inspirational aphorisms left 
furtively on dressing-room blackboards. 
A coach who believed curfews were for 
children and who supplicd his players 
with beer in the dressing room after a 
game, a heresy in the conservative hock- 
су world. But, above all, а man whose 


players. And 
He dedicated his hockey 
ІӘгеп, two sons who "don't know me.” 
has said, “If you had to open 
you would sce a little hockey 
rink there. That's all he thinks about.” 

Which accounts for the legendary 
stories that led the Philadelphia hockey 
media to dub Shero Freddie the Fog. 
Stories like the time the coach was so 
deep in thought planning strategy be- 
fore a road game that he walked right 
out of the rink and into the parking lot, 
where he patiently remained, locked out, 
until he was discovered just minutes 
before the game. But the most famous 
pened in Atlanta, where, be- 
ИТ game, Shero turned up 
dazed, the victim of a mugging. Natural- 
ly, he offered no explanation for his 
bruises and broken glasses, but the next 
day the blackboard read, “Temptation 
rarely comes in working hours. It is in 
their leisure men are made or marred.’ 

The following day, someone respond- 

4: “God must love muggers, He made so 
many of them.” 

"He's the only person I know it's po- 
lite to оге in a hotel lobby,” a 
Flyer official once said—a freedom that 
leads one to believe that much of the 
Fog facade may be consciously manipu- 
lated demystification. ^I don't want them 
[the players] to think I'm God," Shero 
Once told a reporter. "I want them to 
humor me, to kid me, even if it’s very 
embarrassing at times. I want them to 
know it’s not like Russia, that they're 
allowed to assert themselves. I don't 
want robots. Championships are won by 
those not afraid to dare.” 

While Shero remains synonymous with 
Fog, he's also known for his famed “sys- 
tem," an approach to hockey that blends 
the tactical advances of Soviet coach 
Anatoli Tarasov with the latest motiva- 
tional techniques culled from everything 
from Zen Roshis to postest fad thera- 
Shero claims the system was born 
nipeg, Manitoba, when, as 
ig the Depression, he was 
responsible Гог weeding and watering his 


family's vegetable garden. "I soon real- 
ized that nature had a system," he wrote. 
“ICT didn't water or weed the garden, 
the results were disastrous 

If nature taught him the importance 
of approaching things orderly and sys- 
tematically, he learned another great 
lesson his first year of coaching with the 
Shawinigan Falls Cataracts of the Que- 
bec Hockey League. The team had 
played about as well as its name implied, 
but when Shero took over in 1957, he 
tried a new tack. He refused to threaten 
the players or point out their obvious 
weaknesses, Instead, he appealed to 
them at their first mecting, asking 
them for their help, since he was a 
novice at coaching. Miraculously, it 
worked. The Cataracts finished. second. 
in the play-offs. And Shero had a better 
idea. Not only would he refine his sys- 
tem but he would extend his psychologi- 
cal strategy. Next time, he wouldn't ask 
his players for help. He'd have them 
coach themselves. 


б 

Some guys are getting over а hun- 
dred grand a year. Surely they've got 
enough brains to do some think- 
1 —Coach Shero 


Pat Hickey, for one. After a season of 
playing for Freddie, the left wing is still 
not sure about him. think he's in the 
game, but there are times I don't know. 
A lot of times I think he's just testing 
us. Like, he says, ‘Forty-three seconds 
left in the penalty.’ So you say, "Freddie, 
don't bother us, there's a minute and 43 
left in the penalty. Let me get back to 
my job, the game, ОК?” 

“Like, if it’s a penalty or a tight situ- 
ation, he says, "What's going on? or 
"Who's up? and everyone throws in his 
two cents. I (се! like we're нше cheat 
sheets for him, 
апа they pering ar. It 
Keeps us in the game. Because we know 
every game he needs our help, so there's 
20 guys on the bench thinking that. It's 
not that he's out of it or into it, 


yourself. No Supreme Authority around 
to crack the whip or snoop through key- 
holes. No curfews, no bed checks. The 
key is self-discipline. Which accounts for 
practices that last barely an hour, con- 
sisting mainly of strange drills or play- 
ful scrimmages. 

The Rangers 


ays had а problem 
with body checki reputation for not 
taking the body during an enemy attack. 
So Shero had a five-on-three situation in 
practice in which the three defenders 
were forced to play holding their sticks 
upside down—by the blade, “It was kind 
of strange when we first did it,” Ranger 
captain Daye Maloney admits. "It turned 

(continued on page 257) 


a dead russian forces smiley out of retirement — 
in a game played by moscow rules 


author of The Honourable Schoolboy 


“KNEW HIM PERSONALLY at all, did you, sir?” the detective chief superintendent of 
police asked respectfully in a voice kept deliberately low. “Or perhaps I shouldn’t 
inquire.” 

"Тһе two men had been together for 15 minutes, but this was the superintend- 
ent’s first question. For a while, Smiley did not seem to hear it, but his silence was 
not offensive, he had the gift of quict. Besides, there is a companionship about two 
men contemplating a corpse. It was an hour before dawn on Hampstead Heath, a 
dripping, misty, no-man's hour, neither warm nor cold, with a heaven tinted orange 
by the London glow and the trees glistening like oilskins. They stood side by side in 
ап avenue of beeches and the superintendent was taller by a head: a young giant 
of a man, prematurely grizzled, a little pompous, perhaps, but with a giant's 


ILLUSTRATION BY CONCEPT 1 


“ж 


PLAYBOY 


gentleness that made him naturally be- 
friending. Smilcy was clasping his pudgy 
hands over his belly like a mayor at a 
cenotaph, and had сусу for nothing but 
the plasticcovered body lying at his fect 
in Ше beam of the superintendent's 
torch. The walk this far had evidently 
winded him, for he puffed a little as he 
stared, From the darkness round them, 
police receivers crackled on the night 
air. There were no other lights at all; 
the superintendent had ordered them 
extinguished. 

“He was just somebody 1 worked 
with,” Smiley explained alter a long 
delay. 

“So 1 was given to understand, sir, 
the superintendent said. 

He waited hopefully, but nothing 
morc came. "Don't even speak to him," 
the deputy assistant commissioner (crime 
and ops) had said to him. "You never 
saw him and it was two other blokes. 
Just show him what he wants and drop 
him down a hole. Fast" Till now, the 
detective chief supcrintendent had done 
exactly that. He had moved, in his own 
estimation, with the speed of light. The 
photographer had photographed, the 
doctor had certified life extinct, the pa- 
thologist had inspected the body іп situ 
as a prelude to conducting his autopsy— 
all with an expedition quite contrary to 
the proper pace of things, mercly in 
order to clear the way for the visiting 
irregular, as the deputy assistant com- 
missioner (crime and ops) had liked to 
call him. The irregular had arrived— 
with about as much ceremony as a meter 
reader, the superintendent noted—and 
the superintendent had led him over the 
course at a canter. "They had looked at 
footprints, they had tracked the old 
man’s route till here. The superintend- 
ent had made a reconstruction of the 
crime, as well as he was able in the cir- 
cumstances, and the superintendent was 
an able man. Now they were in the dip, 
at the point where the avenue turned, 
where the rolling mist was thickest. In 
the torch beam, the dead body was the 
centerpiece of everything. lt lay face 
downward and spread-cagled, as if it had 
been crucified to the gravel, and the 
plastic sheet emphasized its lifelessness. 
It was the body of an old man, but 
broad-shouldered still, a body that had 
battled and endured. The w! hair was 
cut to stubble. One strong, veined hand 
still grasped a sturdy walking stick. He 
wore a black overcoat and rubber over- 
shocs. A black beret lay on the ground 
beside him, and the gravel at his head 
was black with blood. Some loose change 
lay about, and a pocket handkerchief, 
and а small penknife that looked morc 
like a keepsake than a tool. Most likely 
they had started to search him and given 
up, sir, the superintendent had said. 


208 Most likely they were disturbed, Mr. 


5 су had wondered 
what it must be like (0 touch a warm 
body you had just shot. 

“IL Y might possibly take а look at 1 
face, Superintendent, k 

This time it was the superintendent 
who caused the delay. “Ah, now, are you 
sure about that, sir?” He sounded slight- 
ly embarrassed. "There'll be better ways 
of identifying him than that, you know.” 

“Yes. Yes, 1 am sure,” said Smilcy 
earnestly, as if he really had given the 
matter great thought. 

The superintendent called softly to 
the trees, where his men stood among 
their blacked-out cars like a next genera- 
tion waiting for its turn. 

“You there. Hall. Sergeant Pike. Come 
here at the double and turn him over.” 

Fast, the deputy assistant commission- 
er (crime and ops) had said. 

Two men slipped forward from the 
shadows. The elder wore a black beard. 
Their surgical gloves of elbow length 
shone ghostly gray. They wore blue 
overalls and thigh-length rubber boots. 
Squatting, the bearded man cautiously 
untucked the plastic sheet while the 
younger constable laid a hand on the 
dead man’s shoulder as if to wake him 
up. 

“You'll have to try harder than that, 
lad," the superintendent warned in an 
altogether crisper tonc. 

"The boy pulled. the bearded sergeant 
helped him and the body reluctandy 
rolled over, one arm stiflly waving, the 
other still dutching the stick. 

“Oh, Christ,” said the constable. “Oh, 
bloody hell!"—and capped a hand over 
his mouth. The sergeant grabbed his el- 
bow and shoved him away. They heard 
the sound of retching. 

“I don't hold with politics,” the super- 
intendent confided to Smiley inconse- 
quentially, staring downward still. “I 
don't hold with politics and 1 don't hold 
with politicians, cither. Licensed lunatics 
most of them, in my view. That's why 1 
joined the force, to be honest" The 
sinewy mist curled strangely in the 
steady beam of his torch. “You don't 
happen to know what did it, do you, si 
1 haven't seen a wound like that in 
fiftcen years." 

"I'm afraid ballistics are not my prov- 
ince,” Smiley replied after another pause 
for thought. 

“No, I don't expect they would be, 
would they? Seen enough, sir?” 

Smiley apparently had not. 

“Most people expect to be shot in the 
chest, really, don't they, sir?" the super- 
intendent remarked brightly. He had 
Jearned that small talk sometimes eased 
the atmosphere on such occasions. “Your 
neat round bullet that drills a tasteful 
hole. That's what most people expect. 
Victim falls gently to his knees to the 
tune of celestial choirs. It’s the telly that 


docs it, I suppose. Whereas your real 
bullet these days can take off an arm or 
a leg, so my friends in brown tell me.” 
His voice took on a more practical tonc. 
"Did he have a mustache at all, sir? My 
sergcant fancied a trace of whitc whisker 
on the upper ja 

A military one," said Smiley aíter a 
long gap, and with his thumb and fore- 
finger absently described the shape upon 
his own lip while his gaze remained 
locked upon the old man's body. “I won- 
der, Superintendent, whether 1 might 
just examine the contents of his pockets, 
possibly?" 

“Sergeant Pike.” 

“Sirt” 

“Put that sheet back and tell Mr, 
Murgotroyd to have his pockets ready 
for me in the van, will you, what they've 
left of them? At the double,” the super- 
intendent added, as a matter of routine. 


“And come here.” The superintendent 
had taken the sergeant softly by the up- 
per arm. “You tell that young Constable 
Hall that 1 can't stop him sicking up, 
but I won't have his irreverent lan- 
guage.” For the superintendent оп his 
home territory was a devoutly Christian 
man and did not care who knew 
“This way, Mr. Smiley, sir.” he added, 
recovering his gentler tone. 

As they moved higher up the avenue, 
the chatter of the radios faded and they 
heard instead the angry wheeling of 
rooks and the growl of the city. The su- 
perintendent marched briskly, keeping to 
the left of the roped-off area. Smiley 
hurried after him. A windowless van was 
parked between the trees, its back doors 
open and a dim light burning inside. 
Entering, they sat on hard benches. Mr. 
Murgotroyd had gray hair and wore a 
gray suit. He crouched before them with 
a plastic sack like a transparent pillow- 
case. "The sack had a knot at the throat, 
which he untied. Inside, smaller pack- 
ages floated. As Mr. Murgotroyd lifted 
them out, the superintendent read the 
labels by his torch before handing them 
to Smiley to consider. 

“One scuffed leather coin purse, Con. 
tinental appearance. Half inside his 
pocket, half out, leftside jacket. You saw 
the coins by his body—seventy-two 
pence. That's all the moncy on him. 
Carry a wallet at all, did he, sir?” 

“I don't know.” 

"Our guess is they helped themselves 
to the wallet, started on the purse, then 
ran. One bunch keys domestic and v. 
ous, right-hand trousers. .. .” He ran оп, 
but Smiley's scrutiny did not rela 
people act a memory, the superintendent 
thought, noticing his concentration, oth- 
ers have one. In the superintendent's 
book, memory was the better half of in- 
telligence, he prized it highest of all 

(continued on page 290) 


Playboys Playmate 
Cheview 


a roundup of the past delightful dozen 


JUST AS THIS was an extraordinary year for 
PLAYBOY, it was an extraordinary year for 
Playmates. After all, 25th anniversaries come 
around only once. Each girl who graced our cen- 
terfold in 1979 was painstakingly selected for 
qualities above and beyond the norm. Eight of 
the 12 were discovered during our Great Play- 
mate Hunt. What a way to usher in the Eighties! 


mm == ~ д 


Miss April 


An alumna of the 
PLAYBOY Great Play- 
mate Hunt, Mississippi- 
born Missy Cleveland 
has now settled perma- 
nently in Los Angeles. 
Having satisfied her 
travel bug, she's now 
pursuing an acting ca- 
reer (‘‘I've done several 
commercials and am 
currently negotiating a 
TV series’). And, for 
the time being, her pas- 
sion for motorcycling 
has been replaced by 
one for scuba diving. 


Miss January 


Twenty-fifth Anniver- 
sary Playmate Candy 
Loving was about to 
shirk the limelight and 
complete her last year 
in college, when a call 
came in from Woody 
Allen's casting direc- 
tor. Woody, it seemed, 
wanted her for his new 
film, so Candy flew to 
New York and met him. 
Lo and behold, after a 
20-minute interview 
with Woody (“He's one 
of my idols,” says Can- 
dy), she got the part! 


Miss June 


Our ''coed with a 
cause," LouannFernald 
(opposite, above) has 
graduated from the 
University of Florida. 
With graduation, she 
admits, came a 
slight softening of her 
rebellious stance— 
''You might call me 
more of a nonconform- 
ist now," she tells us. 
As for the future, Lou- 
ann may go back on her 
vow to stay in Florida 
and move to L.A. “We'll 
have to see,” she says. 


Miss May 


Michele Drake (oppo- 
site, below) has been 
one superbusy young 
lady in recent months. 
Aside from realizing her 
pet dream of going to 
Hawaii, she's gotten film 
roles galore—including 
a part in American Gig- 
olo, starring Richard 
Gere. So profitable has 
her career been that 
Michele is currently 
thinking about buying a 
condo, “if only," she 
says, “| could decide 
where 1 want to live!” 


Miss August 


“I've been working very 
hard, pushing for my 
career," says Vancou- 
ver-born Dorothy Strat- 
ten, who gave up 
Bunnydom for a star- 
ring role in the soon-to- 
be-released Canadian 
feature Autumn Born. 
On her Canadian pub- 
licity tour, Dorothy 
helped PLavBov Photog- 
rapher David (Girls 
of...) Chan round up 
candidates for an up- 
coming PlayBoy picto- 
rial, Girls of Canada. 


Miss July 


When Dorothy Mays be- 
came our July gatefold, 
she told us that her 
dream was to open her 
own hair-styling shop 
in her home state, 
Maryland. You'll be 
pleased to know that 
Dorothy has used her 
modeling fees to 
achieve her dream; the 
shop is called, аррго- 
priately enough, Hot 
Locks. Between styling 
appointments, she’s 
even found the time to 
get her pilot’s license. 


Miss December 


Ever since her Playmate 
story appeared last 
month, Candace Col- 
lins’ schedule has been 
a hectic one, indeed. 
Aside from a whirlwind 
promotional tour for 
PLAYBOY and a few short 
trips to Los Angeles, 
Candace continues her 
fast-paced modeling 
career in her favorite 
town, Chicago, where 
she's one of the Windy 
City's hottest models, 
popular in both print 
and television media. 


Miss November 


Another discovery of 
our Playmate Hunt, 
Sylvie Garant (орро- 
site, above) reports that 
ever since her story 
came out in PLAYBOY, 
her agent's phone 
hasn't stopped ring- 
ing. Already a top 
model in Toronto, Syl- 
vie's on her way to 
becoming the most 
popular model in all of 
Canada and has plans 
to invade the modeling 
scene south of the bor- 
der in the U. S. as well. 


Miss February 


Nowa full-time resident 
of sunny Los Angeles, 
where she sports a 
year-round tan, English- 
born Lee Ann Michelle 
(opposite, below) is 
gearing up for her first 
movie starring role 

that of a disillusioned 
singing star in The 
Golden Goose. “We've 
been in preproduction 
forthelastfewmonths,'" 
Lee Ann tells us, “but 
shooting ought to com- 
тепсе any time. I'm 
looking forward to it.” 


Miss March 


This past year was an 
extraordinary one for 
Playmates, and March 
gatefold girl Denise 
McConnell—our first 
private-eye Playmate— 
was no exception. Since 
she made her bow in 
our pages, Denise re- 
ports that business 
has picked up a bit in 
the detective game. In 
spite of that, though, 
Denise would like to 
move to L.A. and work 
in Playboy's Playmate 
Promotion Department. 


Miss September 


Vicki McCarty, our Phi 
Beta Kappa Playmate, 
hasn't had a dull mo- 
ment all year long. Last 
spring, she took a bi- 
cycle tour through Eu- 
rope, from Luxembourg 
to Milan. In the fall, she 
represented Playboy 
on numerous nation- 
wide talk shows and, in 
her words, “every a. 

show ever devised.'" 
Now she's back in San 
Francisco, completing 
her last year at Has- 
tings College of Law. 


Miss October 


German Playmate Ur- 
sula Buchfellner has 
been so in demand 
since her appearance 
in PLAYBOY, we couldn't 
even track her down 
ourself. Informed 
sources tell us that she 
has become one of Ger- 
many's leading models, 
commanding fees as 
high as $500 a day, 
and that film offers 
have been nonstop. 
The last we heard, Ur- 
sula was shooting a 
German film in Greece. 


When 25th Anniversary Playmate Candy 
Loving appeared on The Mery Griffin 
Show (above), her gotefold caused о few 
smirks from guests (left to right) Virginio 
Graham, Livingston Taylarand Jash Taylor. 


February gotefald girl Lee Ann Michelle 
went for а screen test (above) for the film 
The Golden Goose (Berry Gordy will di- 
тесі). Also an hand were actor Gary Judis 
end Motown executive Arnold Orgolini. 


One of our mare enthusiastically received 25th Anniversary extrav- 
egenzas wes the Playbay Jazz Festival held at the Hollywood Bowl 
in mid-June. On hard to promote the festival (30,000 people attend- 
ed) was April Playmate Missy Cleveland (above), who aided happy 


Mike Horn and Jack Roth at radio station KRLA in Los Angeles, 


Playmates’ Progress 


Chicago made! end exBunny Candace 
Collins turned more than a few heads at 
newsstands as our February cover girl (left), 
enough to warrant more thoraugh follow- 


up coverage os our December Playmate. 


September Playmate Vicki McCarty’s cre- 
dentials (summa cum laude, Phi Beta Kap- 
po) were so appealing we sent her an o 
nofionwide publicity tour. She wowed av- 
diences on the Tam Snyder shaw (above). 


Playmatedom seems ta hove become a swift steppingstane 10 а 
career in show business and no exception ta this rule is November 
Playmate Sylvie Garant, who is shown (above) being guided by 
director Bob Schulz in a scene from his new film, High Spirits. А 
romantic comedy, the flick is based on Isak Dinesen's The Monkey. 


Californic-born Michele Drake (Miss May) ob- Senior year at the University of Flarida ended Ма, Miss March, Denise McConnell (above), 
viously was the type director Floyd Mutrux оп a happy note for June Playmate Louann has not gone from being a private eye ta 
was looking for to play a cheerleader in his Fernald (above) as college friends Paul running a plant nursery. Readers who thought 
upcoming film, Hollywood Knights (above). Jacobson and Chip Clark helped her move her the epitome af the girl next door 
The greaser beside her is actor Randy Gornel. more than just her belongings offcampus. deluged her with congrotulctory flowers. 


July's Dorothy Mays (above) gigged During her short sojourn in Chicago, 
with some friends, The Jock of - October Playmate Ursula Buchfellner 
monds, at the Sheffield studi: (below) entronced her share of ad- 
timore, where they recorded Come тігегз, who, no doubt, are reacting 
Sweet Darlin’, to be releosed soon. — fovorably to her sexy Germon accent. 


Shown here with director Neil Isrcel ond Meat Loaf (the lucky 
guy!) in the film Americathon is August Playmcte Dorothy 
Strotten (obove), whose movie schedule has been virtually 
nonstop since the time she completed her Playmote shoot- 
ing. You con bet you'll be seeing plenty more of her. 


the education of a guards 


DURING THE REIGN of the Emperor Yorei, 
one of his personal bodyguards, named 
Michinori, was ordered to go to Mutsu. 
One night, along the way, he and his 
eight soldiers stopped at the hou: a 
provincial governor. After a good dinner, 
the household went off to bed. but 
Michinori found himself wakeful and he 


ILLUSTRATION BY BRAD HOLLAND. 


ked about and finally 

ant part of the house par- 
titioned off by screens. The room, with its 
mats on the floor, a small light burning 
and the fragrance of incense in the air, 
charmed him, and he stepped inside. A 
young woman was asleep on one of the 
mats and Michinori gazed a long time 


from the 13th Century Japanese Uji shui monogatari 


at her. She was, he thought, а remark- 
ably beautiful and elegant creature. 

The guardsman hesitated, first because 
he felt some shame at allowing himself 
to be tempted by the sight of a lady who 
might well be the governor's wife and, 
second, because there was something 

ge about this lack of precaution 


with nine strangers in the house. But 
Michinori was a rash man and the beauty 
was too much for him. She was wearing 
nothing but a light robe and her perfume 
was exquisite. He lowered himself to the 
mat beside her. When he took off his robe 
and embraced her, she opened her eyes 
sleepily and lay with her hand over her 


mouth, not resisting excessively. 

Michinori touched her small nest and 
prepared to slide himself into it when he 
suddenly felt a great itching in his 
private parts—and then no feeling at all. 
He quickly put his hand to them, but it 
was like groping in his beard. His penis 
had vanished completely! 

While he was frantically searching, the 
lady lay with a faint smile on her face, 
but Michinori was no longer struck with 
her beauty. He arose in panic, took his 
robe and went back to his room. He ex- 
plored again, but the penis was truly gone. 

Then a thought struck him. Не 
awakened one of his retainers who slept 
nearby and described the beautiful wom- 
an to him, pointing out how to find her. 
“Eve just come back from her room. 
What about you?" Michinori whispered. 

The soldier went off looking happy 
and returned a little while later looking 
thunderstruck. Michinori then awakened 
another trooper. Off he went, chuckling, 
and back he came woebegone. Michinori 
was a stubborn man. One by one, he sent 
all eight of them into battle and all 
came back with the same look, clutching 
the place where it ought to have been. 

Ву now, it was very late. Michinori 
thought, Our host was very hospitable 
last night, but his hospitality obviously 
has its limits. I think it is time to get 
away now. The small detachment rode 
out dejectedly just before sunrise. 

"They had gone less than а mile when 
they suddenly heard a shout and looked 
back to see someone racing after them on 
horseback. It was a man holding a pack- 
age wrapped in white paper, and they 
reined in their horses, As he approached, 
they could see that he was one of the serv- 
ants who had waited on them. He held 
the package out to Michinori. 

What is this?" the guardsman asked 
suspiciously. 

“The dist governor has instructed 
me to say that you gentlemen are only 
too kind to repay his hospitality with 
such a valuable—and personal—gilt, But, 
really, he feels himself unworthy of 
such a unique and oustanding present. 
We were preparing breakfast for you 
when the governor, going to a certain 
room, discovered the bounty you had left 
behind. He ordered me to make a parcel 
of them and rcturn them.' 

Bewildered, Michinori opened thc 
package, and nestling inside, like so many 
cels, were the nine penises. The retainers 
all clustered round and counted them. 
They stared at one another and groaned. 

Suddenly, the box was empty. 

‘The servant turned his horse and 
spurred away. 

And then there was a great shout, 
Michinori and his men all yelling at 
once, “I've got it back!" 


Ribald Classic 


When Michinori had completed his 
mission, he took some gold and fine 
presents and journeyed alone back to the 
governor's house. Again, he was given a 
fine dinner and, afterward, when he and 
the governor were relaxing, Michinori 
said, "Do you remember that when I was 
here before, a strange thing happened?” 
Dear boy," the governor said, “please 
forgive my little trick. I learned it myself, 
the hard way, when I was a young man 
trying to seduce a certain sorcerer's wife. 
Do you have а wife? Would you like to 
learn the art? If so, we must go into the 


Michinori did have a wile, and a very 
pretty one. Lecherous noblemen were 
present in droves at the emperor's court. 
"Of course," he said. 

"They came to the bank of a great river 
and the governor made Michinori take 
oaths of frightful wickedness. Then he 
instructed Michinori that he must em- 
brace anything he saw coming down- 
river, even an ogre. At that, the governor 
walked upstream and was lost to view. 

Torrents of rain came down and the 
wind blew fiercely. The river rose. Soon 
Michinori saw a great serpent, all dark 
blue and crimson, with a great head like 
a lump of smooth metal. Michinori 
cowered in the grass and let it swim by. 
Shortly after, there appeared а giant 
boar, bristling with rage, sparks flying 
from the rocks under its hooves. Michi. 
nori steeled himself, roused his courage 
and rushed to clasp it in his arms. He 
found himself holding a rotten log. 

“Well, my friend,” said the governor 
as he reappeared. “You failed the first 
test, and so you will never know the fine 
art of making a penis vanish into thin 
air. But you did meet the second test— 
and so you have become master of one 
of the lesser arts. You can now change a 
thing of no particular value into some- 
thing else of no particular value. 

Michinori looked at the sly old gover- 
nor, who seemed to be smiling a bit 
sarcastically, and he cursed himself. 

But it was true. Once back at the pal- 
ace, Michinori would take beis on 
whether or not he could turn boots into 
puppies and make them гип around. Or 
whether he could make a straw sandal 
into a living carp that would jump onto 
a table. He always won. 

Word of this got to the emperor, who 
summoned Michinori to а place called 
the Back Door Gallery, where Yozci 
learned the art from him. After that, the 
emperor happily applied it by making 
the figures in a Kamo Festival procession 
seem to come to life and march across 
the screen on which they were painted. 

But, not having the greater art, Michi- 
nori worried about his wife the rest 
of his days. —Retold by Ken Matsuda 


кең qu. 


IMPORTED — 


LACK 


BLACK VELVET® BLENDED CANADIAN WHISKY, BO PROOF. IMPORTED BY © 1979 HEUBLEIN, INC., HARTFORD, CONN. 


226 


THAT WAS THE YEAR THAT WAS 


humor By TOM KOCH 


The Ayatollah named Iran Р А қ. Chicago's old machine broke down. 
A pure religious state. | s } The world's not quite the same. 
Now Sabbath shootings all must clear à қ d The ballot box came all unstuffed. 
The ministry of hate. E Y The mayor's now a dame! 


Top men at Chrysler made the best 
Proposal they could lodge, 

And begged the Government to buy 
A billion-dollar Dodge. 


To Peking. U.S. salesmen swarmed, 
With order books and pluck. 

Their pressure tactics were enough 
To make a mandarin duck. 


Ham Jordan learned a lesson from 
The FBI's fine folk: 

When visiting a discothèque, 
Don't ask if they serve Coke. 


А summit meeting sought to bring 

The arms race to a halt. 

Some found its plan for peace quite weird. 
On open wounds, pour SALT. 


A rousing battle cry was raised 
Bv every Teddy foe: 
“Remember Chappaquiddick and 
Forget the Alamo!” 


Israeli peace did not work out 
The way Sadat had planned. 

He's threatened now with Six Day wars 
Against each Arab land. 


A curvy Aussie kissed Prince Charles. 
It made each newscast segment. 
We're waiting now for her to claim 

It also made her pregnant. 


New owners of the Nixon home 
Weren't sure what they liked best: 
The back-yard gunboat landing dock 
Or front machine-gun nest. 


The Marvin case showed single men 
What perils lie ahead. 

Girls sharing bed and board get bored 
And want to share the bread. 


The TV family's shown great change Somoza felt profound surprise 
Since Bob Young ruled the nest. Asrebel troops he hunted. 

Now Diff rent Strokes might well be named He'd long assumed the land he ruled 
A Smart-ass Kid Knows Best. Was someplace no one wanted. 


IIUSTRATION BY BILL UTTERBACK 


tongue-in-check remembrances of sundry people and places that made the headlines іп 79 


They call it Three Mile Island 
And some folks wonder why. 
Because its plant is three miles long 
Or may blov three miles high? 


Count Dracula won plaudits as 
The nice guy of the year. 

He tumed Samaritan to save 
George Hamilton's career. 


Her charm was quickly see: 
Perhaps the Iron Magnolia had 
Become the Delta Queen. 


Ronstadt and Brown іп Айтса 
Made gossipmongers эр! 


Was their vacation hut equipp: 
With double beds or twin? Ж 


> 
v 
To discothèques more millions flocked eg 
And heeded deafening drummers. 27 
Quite mesmerized, they boogied through 
The long hot Donna Summers. 


In Europe. wealthy chums of kings 
Are very often knighted: 

But over here, Bert Lance found out, 
They only get indicted. 


When Lee and Farrah called it quits, 
They settled many wagers 

‘That no ship can two captains have 
And no boudoir two Majors, 


As down the river Rosalynn cruised. 


His last one was a gasser. 


He promptly answered. “Yasir.” 


And challenged all to match it. 
Many tossed their hats into the ring 
And Bob Dole tossed his hatchet. 


Vanessa. cast to play a Jew, 

rew quite a picket line 
Demanding that she play instead 
The Road to Palestine. 


Press Secretary Jody Powell 

Faced chores that were gigantic. 
Much like the men who sang aboard 
The sinking ship Titanic. 


Hoods vied to get Galante's job, 
Which. arudainaly. he died for. 
Will Harold Stassen seek the post? 
It's one he's never tried for. 


Muhammad Ali quit the ring. 

He'll answer no more bells, 
Because his waistline's now as large 
As that of Orson Welles. 


Mideast mistakes plagued Andrew Young. 


When asked if he'd shunned dark intrigue. 


Each White House hopeful aired his plan 


227 


PLAYBOY 


228 rounding the ver 


MY UNCLE OSWALD (continuca from page 136) 


“Within a few seconds, my member was as stiff and 


erect as the mainmast of a topsail schooner. 


3» 


of a long day in a fierce climate than 
when you feel that first whiskey hitting 
your stomach and going through into 
the blood stream. A few minutes later, I 
went indoors and got myself a second 
drink, then I returned to the veranda. I 
lay back again in the deck chair. My 
shirt was soaked with sweat, but 1 was 
too tired to take a shower. Then, all of 
a sudden, I went rigid. I was just about 
to put the glass of whiskcy to my lips 
and my hand froze, it literally froze in 
midair, and there it stayed, with my 
fingers denched around the glas. I 
couldn't move. 1 couldn't even speak. 1 
ied to call out to my boy for help, but 
I couldn't. Rigor mortis. Paralysis. My 
entire body had turned to stone. 


someone 


“Of course I was frightened,” the 
major said. “I was bloody terrified, es- 
pecially out there in the Sudan desert 
miles from anywhere, But the paralysis 
didn't last very long. Maybe a minute, 
maybe two. I don’t really know. But 
when I came to, as it were, the first 
thing 1 noticed was a burning sensation 
in the region of my groin, ‘Hullo, 1 
d, "what the hell's going on now? But 
it was pretty obvious what was going on. 
‘The activity inside my trousers was be- 
coming very violent, indeed, and within 
another [ew seconds, my member was 
as stiff and егесі as the mainmast of a 
topsail schooner. 

What do you mean, your member?” 
asked a girl whose name was Gwendo- 


expect you will catch on as we go 
along, my dear," the major said. 

“Carry on, Major, we said. “What 
happened next?" 
Then it started to throb,” he said. 71 
could [ecl every beat of my heart all the 
way along it. Pulsing and throbbing 
most terribly, it was, and as tight as а 
balloon. You know those long sausage- 
shaped balloons children have at parties? 
1 kept thinking about one of those, and 
with every beat of my heart it felt as if 
someone was pumping in more air and 
it was going to burst." 

The major drank some wine. We sat 
still. waiting. 

So of course І began trying to puzzle 
out what might have happened,” he 
t on. "I looked at my glass of whis- 
It was where I always put it, on top 
of the little white-painted balustrade sur- 

Then my eye 


traveled upward to the roof of the bun- 
galow and to the edge of the roof and, 
suddenly, presto! I'd got it! I knew for 
certain what must have happened.” 

What?" we said, all speaking at once. 
A large blister beetle, taking an 
evening stroll on the roof, had ventured 
too close to the edge and had fallen off.” 

“Right into your glass of whiskey!” we 
aied. 

“Precisely,” the major said. “And I, 
thirsting like mad in the heat, had 
gulped him down without looking. 

The girl called Gwendoline was star- 
ing at the major with huge eyes. “Quite 
honestly, I don't see what all the fuss 
way about," she said. "One teeny-weeny 
little beetle isn't going to hurt anyone.” 

My dear child,” the major said, 
"when the blister beetle is dried and 
crushed, the resulting powder is called 
cantharidin. Thats its pharmaceutical 
name, The Sudanese variety is called 
cantharidin sudanii, And this сапа 
din sudaniü is absolutely deadly. The 
maximum safe dose for a human, if 
there is such a thing as a safe dose, is опе 
minim. A minim 15 one sixtieth ol a 
fluid ounce. Assuming I had just swal- 
lowed one whole fully grown blister 
beetle, that meant Id received God 
knows how many hundreds of times the 
imum dos 

“Jesus,” we said. “Jesus Ch 

“My member,” die major said, "was 
now like a whitehot rod of iron burn- 
ing into my body. I leaped up from my 
chair and rushed to my саг and drove 
like a madman for the nearest hospit 
which was in Khartoum. I got there ir 
forty minutes flat. 1 was scared fartless. 
1 dashed into the hospital and found 
the casualty room, where an 
doctor was stitching up somebody's knife 
wound. ‘Look at this!” I cried, taking i 
out and waving it at him. 

“Waving what at him, for heaven's 
sake?” the awful Gwendoline asked 

“Shut up, Gwendoline," I said. 
hank you,” the major said. “The 
doctor stopped stitching and regarded 
the object I was holding out to him with 
some alarm. I quickly told him my story 
He looked glum. There was no antidote 
for blister beetle, he informed me. 1 was 
n grave trouble. But he would do his 
best. So they stomach.pumped me and 


put me to bed and packed ice all around 
my poor throbbing member. 
" someone asked, "Who's 


the n 


“А nurse," 


ajor answered. "A 


young Scottish nurse with dark hair. She 
brought the ice in small rubber bags 
and packed it round and kept the bags 
in place with a bandage.” 
Didn't you get frostbite’ 
You can't get frostbite on something 
that’s practically redhot,” the major 
said. 

What happened next? 

‘They kept changing the ice every 
three hours, day and night. 


Who, the Scottish nurse?’ 
“They 


took it in turns. Several 


“It took two weeks to subside.” 

"Two week: Were you all 
right afterward, sir? Are you all right 
now?" 

"I was out of ac 


n for six months," 
the major said, smiling wanly. “But that 
is no hardship in the Sudan. Yes, if you 
want to know, I'm all right now. I made 
a miraculous recovery.” 

‘That was the story Major Grout had 
told us at my liule party on the eve of 
my departure for France, and it set me 
thinking. It set me thinking very deeply, 
indeed. In fact, that night, as I lay in 
bed with my bags all packed on the 
floor, a tremendously daring plan began 
apidly to evolve in my head. I say 
daring bccause, by God. it damn well 
was daring when you consider [ was 
only 17 years old at the time. Looking 
back on it now, 1 take my hat olt to my- 
self for even contemplating that sort of 
action. But by the following morning. 
my mind was made up. 

. 

1 bade farewell to my parents on the 
platform at Victoria Station and boarded 
the boat train for Paris. I arrived that 
afternoon and checked in at the house 
where my father had arranged for me to 
board. It was on the Avenue Marceau, 
and the family, who were called Bois- 
vain, took paying guests. Monsieur Bois- 
in was a civil servant of sorts and as 
unremarkable as the rest of his breed. 
His wife, a pale woman with short 
fingers and a flaccid rump, was in much 
the same mold as her husband, and 1 
guessed that neither of them would give 
me any trouble. They had two daughters, 
Jeanette, aged 15, and Nicole, who w 
19. Mademoiselle Nicole was some 
of f ic the rest of the f. 
small and n 
ach, this girl was of Amazonian pro- 
. She looked to me like a sort of 
She could not possibly 
than G3" in her 
feet, but she was nonetheless а well 
young gladiator with long, nicely tu 
legs and а pair of dark сусу that seemed 
to hold a number of secrets. It was the 
first time since puberty that 1 had en- 
countered а woman who was not only 

(continued on page 279) 


have stood le: 


Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined 
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. 


PLAY BOY'S ANNUAL AWARDS 


announcing the prize-winning authors, 
artists and photographers whose contributions were judged by our 
staff to be the past year’s most outstanding 


WRITING 


Best Major Work 


менед 
pod 


NORMAN MAILER is accus- 
Tomed to producing masterpieces. 
(He hos previously won two 
pıarsoY writing owards, one for 
Best Nonfiction, the other for Best 
Major Work: Fiction.) This year 
he did it again, with The Ех- 
ecufioner’s Song (October, No- 
vember, December), а stunning 
three-part excerpt from his current 
best seller on the life and deoth of 
convicted murderer Gary Gilmore. 
Mailers norrotion, told through 
the reminiscences of those whose 
paths hod crossed Gilmore’s, is 
more than just a peek at the 
demise of а born loser; it’s olso а 
* Лоте on criminal pathology that 
is destined to become a classic. 


Jou remember how gary gilmore died. nod 
Тете the tale of how he ved. and the 
stary ef the people hate Ines Re changed 


Best Short Story Best New Contributor: Fiction 
NS 7) 


PAUL THEROUX, author of travel journals 
about Asia and South America, took us to 
darkest Africa with hi 
White Lies (May). TI 
about a deceitful mon who gets his due, truly 
made our skin crawl. A prolific writer, Theroux 
has won two previous PLAYBOY prizes for fiction. 


LYNDA LEIDIGER snores the honors in this 
cotegory for Snoke Head (October), a bizarre 
story obout a young women who dons a snoke 
mask for о Halloween party and then can't 
beor to take it off. Leidiger wos an unpub- 
lished author until she sold this extraordinory 
tole to PLAYEOY, She lives in North Hollywood. 


Each year, the staffs of the Editorial, Art and Photography departments choose the articles, artwork and photos to be 
singled out in January for special praise. It's a given, of course, that everything we publish is mighty fine. Arguments 
occur only when we try to separate what's terrific from what's merely great. No, there aren't gunshot: the halls and 
nobody has had his car tires slashed. The whole process, in fact, is a joy, because we feel that writers, artists and photog- 
raphers do not get anywhere near the recognition and praise that their often underfed egos need and deserve. (Their 
bank balances often need to be fed, too.) Besides, they do make the world a better place. So here are our picks for the 
best of the best that has appeared in PrAvnov's pages during the past 12 months. Along with this mention, each 
winner receives a $1000 check and an award medallion to look at after the money is gone. Our congratulations to all. 


SPECIAL AVARD Best Nonfiction 


LAWRENCE GROBEL, who previously had interviewed 


Dolly Parton, Henry Winkler ond Barbra Streisond for 
vs, thought he wos committing journalistic hora-kiri by 
accepting our assignment to interview Marlon Brondo 
Uanvory). The elusive superstor hod never agreed to 
ап in-depth interview, often choosing to seclude himself 


on his privote Tohition islond, Тенагос, for indefinite 
periods. After many months of dealing with Brando's 
secretary, Grobel felt his luck suddenly change when 
Superman's own dad picked up the phone and invited 
him to the South Seas. No less challenging was 
the reclusive actor Al Pacino in last month's issue. 


TONY HENDRA, CHRISTOPHER CERF ond 
PETER ELBLING brought together а talented 
group of New York writers who split our sides 
with And Thot's the Way It Was, 1980-1989 
(October). Cerf ond Hendro are Notional Lom- 
poon mogazine refugees; Elbling is a Califor- 
nia actor/director who thought of the idea. 


i E i SS 
ASA BABER tokes the Best Nonfiction aword for 
The Condominium Conspiracy (November). A no- 
nonsense investigative reporter, Baber picked up 
the some prize іп 1977 for а hard lock at the 
commodities morket. This time, a fellow journol- 
ist womed him that he'd be “‘creomed” if he dug 
too deeply into condos. Tough job; tough guy. 


Best New Contributor: Nonfiction 


RICHARD PRICE is our pick for his profile of 
college football's major institution in Bear 
Bryant's Mirodes (October). Price, one of 
America’s brightest young novelists, took his 
biases as a New York street kid south to ‘Boma 
апа come beck with the most balonced account 
of the Crimson Tide's coach we've yet read. 


ILLUSTRATION 


Best Nonfiction Illustration 


MARSHALL ARISMAN, who won mony awards 
with his macabre illustration for Mr. Death in 
riarwor several years ago, Is this year’s recipient 
for his chilling depiction of Gary Gilmore in 
December, third in the three-part masterpiece 
The Executioner’s Song, by Norman Mailer. Aris- 
man unforgetiably illustrated the entire series. 


Best Fiction Illustration 


SPECIAL AWARD 


SHEL SILVERSTEIN’s long cssociotion with PLAYBOY 
has yielded countless forays into iconoclastic humor. 
For over 20 years, Silverstein's pen ond wit have given 
birth to such satirical gems as Teevee Jeebies, Silver- 
stein Around the World and his redoubtable History 
of Playboy, Lately, he’s kept our pages buzzing with 
a series of irreverent poems about life on the new 
frontier—sex and drugs. lost yeor, his poem The 
Smoke Off was runner-up in the humor category. When 
he's not poking fun ct American foible in drawings, 
Silverstein turns his attention to songwriting and sing- 
1. You may recall his bromidic fighting man's song, 
А Boy Named Sue, recorded by Johnny Cash. This yeor, 
our Renaissance man provided us with & very special 
book, Different Dances, a collection of his cortoons (see 
page 202) that we've been excerpting in recent months. 


Best Service Illustration 


ROGER BROWN, с Chicago artist who's shown 
in virtually every mojor museum in this country, 
wins with his illustration of о strange landscape 
for Used in Evidence (December), с Frederick 
Forsyth murder mystery. Brown used curious 
gridlike cloud formations to create a feeling 
of terminal loneliness and impending danger. 


MARTIN HOFFMAN’s versatility is truly 
astounding; the same man who produces super- 
realistic paintings can also create stylish Thirties- 
type fashion illustrations, such as the ones we 
ran last Janucry in our annual designer fea- 
ture, (They're in this issue, too.) Hoffmon’s work 
is also featured іп PLAYBOY 's traveling art exhibit. 


PHOTOGRAPHY 


Best Playmate Pictorial 


SPECIAL AWARD 


DAVID CHAN weighs only 120 pounds sooking wet. 
But when he flies into a strange city ond places on od 
in the newspoper for locol femoles to test for а future 
Girls of feoture, many think thot he’s the most power- 
ful mon in town. Chon's most recent accomplishmen 
was Girls/Women of the Ivy League (September), 
which he was confronted by hostile college administra- 
tors ond women’s rights groups. Undaunted, he re- 
turned with superb shots—os he's done for The Girls of 
Washington, The Girls of the New South, Girls of the 
Big Ten, Girls of the Pac 10, oll the while colmly han- 
dling hundreds of reporters, TV interviews and other 
hossles. Chon’s latest assignment? А soon-to-be-published 
Girls of Canada thot brought some lovely creatures 
out from behind the maple leaves. With tolented Chan 
behind the lens, you won't be disoppointed, Charlie. 


MARIO CASILLI, who previously hos won two 
awards, wolks oway ogoin a winner for his 
coveroge (or perhops we should say uncover- 


E 
T age) of Ploymote Lee Ann Michelle in Febru- 
ary. The foct thor most of the shooting wos 
1 / done in chilly old Englond didn't foze Cosilli; Best Pictorial Essay 
Ww his use of the location, os usuol, wos superb. " 


Best Pictorial Еѕѕсу 


RICHARD FEGLEY hos a rough life. Not only 
does he get poid to photograph beoutiful 
naked lodies but he wins awards, too. This опе 
is for the Bond beouties in our July “Moonrak- 
ег” feoture. It wos о very difficult ossignment, 
Fegley reported, “becouse | wos competing 
with Roger Moore.” Somehow, he survived. 


3 ARNY FREYTAG shores our Best Pictoriol Es- 
soy aword with Richard Fegley. Freytag’s con- 
tribution: Another Loving Look (August), in 

which he not only recoptured Condy Loving's 

exceptionol charms but olso showed the Chi- 

A cago Playboy Monsion in on architecturolly 

a Lal trilliont monner. Our eyes were on Condy. 


PLAYBOY 


234 


SAN FRANCISCO EXPERIENCE 


(continued [rom page 130) 


“Glory holes, like other aspects of gay culture, are 
outgrowths of what was once forbidden.” 


parents were defending them, saying, you 
know, ‘You don't cure someone who's 
left-handed, you don't cure heterosexi 
ity, it's just а fact now." 

nd 1 agreed. But they should be а 
litle more discreet. The making out on 
the street, it mak 
‘There's а sameness in the way they dress, 
id à sameness in the way they talk, and 
a sameness in the way they look. And 
the way they act pretty much is sort of 
dangling it in front of our faces. Like 
ing on a show. I have a [celing it 
n cute a few years ago, 
making me sick and it’s making 
a lot of the rest of the с k. And T 
feel they're losing as opposed to winning 
by doing that 
“Because the longer they do it and the 
longer they flaunt it, it's not 
make people [eel better abo 
going to bring eut more vi 
more haved as opposed to if th 
у, but went through 
a sort of ‘coming out.’ Two centuries ago, 
woman were seen doing 
making out on the 
g on the strcet—there 
was a bit of a tiff raised and everybody 
would gasp and it went through a period 
of centuries before it became just an ac 
cepted thing. I have a feeling that homo- 
sexuality here has gone through that 
period in about a year and a half. It's 
gone through everyone's acknowledging 


but it’ 


aid low, necessari 


the [act 1 s there and seeing it wide 
open— Blah, we're here really fast, 


without having a period to, you know, 
sort out, come into it, ..." 

Joshua wears his hair long, his shi 
large, his p buy jea 
anymore. It makes me look too much like 
them’). Last year, he was walking with 
his mother down Castro Street 10 v 
friend and "some guy whistled, and we 
both looked at each other and sort of 
laughed, because we didn't know who he 


n the year. Joshua was going to 
me friend and was alone on a 
guy got off the bus with me. 


Obviously gay, he was wearing je: d 
short-sleeved tanktop shirt, boots. 
and his haircut, and the voice, and he 


started walking after me and he sort of 
whistled at me. 


ıo h; 
I 


told this 


e 
avs, but I've 
ly bothered by them 
point where 1 wanted to yell or be 


M slight tolerance for 
never been p 


phys 
public 
alone hate. 


1 deepdown, 
me-the-fuck- 
When he whistled at me, 


though, I just cused him out and ran 
like hell and he started. running. after 
me. I was right down at, like, 18th and 
Eureka, and it's not a good place to be 
cursing out guys. T jumped on a bus and 
then I jumped off and then I tried to 
call our friends and they weren't home 
nd then I just started running.” 
“What did you think he was go 
do to you 

“I don't know, but I really had less 
interest than 1 could possibly say to find 
out. And I was a little scared.” 

"Your father says you decided to go to 
school out of town Беса 


ng to 


use there were 


"Yeah. Not only 
weirdos. I'd like to be the majority. 
Every time I come into the city from Mill 
Valley or take the Golden Gate Transit 
into the city, E find the first people 1 see 
re gays. And, you know, it's rc; 
leather jackets, ul 
sort of feel as though 
of people who are like me 
. 

Somewhere in the middle 
loathing and [car comes the question. 
What is it that they do in bed? And 
somewhere in the middle of that is the 
glory hole. It is a 
private dub where ga э to en- 
gage іп anonymous sex, specifically by 
entering а booth that has holes in i 
walls, putting their penises through the 
holes and getting sucked off by someone 
on the other side. A glory hole is a sort 
rand version of the publictoilet 
homosexual men were once 
rch out because of Jaws fo 
bidding sodomy and vice squ 
forced them. In 1975, State Assemblyman 
Willie Brown introduced a bill in Cali 
lor consenting 
Чий to sodomy, cum 
lingus and fellatio in private. The bill 
passed. Glory holes, like other aspects of 
gay culture, are outgrowths of what was 
once forbidden—as if certain things tha 
were once necessary because of restric- 
tions became habitual. 

I went to this place, the one called 
The South of Market Club. 
inted white and has the in 
nted e on the outside w 


ro | 


club. known as the 


men 


ids thar en- 


get in, I disguised myself as a gay 
[we page 251]. 1 used the membership 


d of an actor who goes to the glory 
holes occasionally when he visits 
Francisco. 
Entrance 
two dollar 
of а sm; 


ikes a membership card and 
The room is about the size 
m or medium dance studio, 
end. The floor 


is concrete. The ceiling is very high, 


maybe 90 [eet or more. The area of co 
centration is four rows of booths, nine 
to а row. They are paired off, 18 to 


side with a common wall between them. 


In the comer, there is a softdrink ma- 
chine th; doesn't work, but Гог si 
dollars you can buy a vial of butyl nitrite, 
sold through a window in the back. The 
disco music is loud and, at the momer 
it is playing We Are Family. 

The man in the booth beneath the 
balcony is lighting a cigarette. With 
one hand, he strikes the lighter, while 
the other | handle c 
the wall ov a ins 
his nd upper torso 
butane light, His chest, 


d. For 


re frozen 
prinkled with 


the 


booth, Because of 
ve disappeared, so he 
like а satyr hangin 
the Пате goes out, 


the wall of hi 
dark, his hips | 
looks disembodied, 
hook. Just a 


he sighs 

Outside his booth in the dim red ligh 
the men, many of them naked to 
waist, walk up and down the aisle, open 
nd closing doors. The booths are 
painted white and are the size of port- 
able toilets: the nd exit with 
frantic speed, as if there had been ап 
outbreak of dysentery at a convention of 
bodybuilder 

The dance here is simple. Walk the 
center aisle. Choose а booth by picking 
at the doors. When you find one that 
isn’t locked, enter. You are faced almost 
immediately with a wall that has an ob- 
long hole in it, pelvis high, about fou 
aches long. The paint is marked and 
n some places pecling. There are some 
gralfiti on the walls: слу вором. There 
re holes in cach of the walls and а metal 
in the corner. There аге handles 
screwed into the walls high above each 
of the holes. 

As P emer a booth, I sec a p: 
thighs through one of the holes 
person i mus booth to my 

i EUN 


the 


nen enter 


stool 


his pubic 1 E уса 
the aging plywood. His penis ік through 
the hale, so that at first glance from this 
le angle, he might as well be a girl 
The ass is pale white and the leg 
skinny. It reminds me of 
trom Life ma shot of a bunch of 
boys leaping i imming hole, all 
moons and sweet legs. He is breathing 
short takes. 

Through the hole next to my left knee, 
I see a piece of face, a partial mustache, 
a lock of hair, what appear to be brown 
eyes. The eyebrows arch expectantly. 1 
frown, dig my hands imo my pockets, 
pull my cap down, feel ungenerous. The 
e disappears. 
Etiquette has it that if you аге inter- 
ested in the man you rub 
your index finger along the bottom of 
the hole, as if you were checking for 


next door 


General Wine & Spirits Co., 


МУС BO proof 


NO RUM REFLECTS "en 
PUERTORICO EMME 
LIKE RONRICO. 


“UTTLED IN PUERTO 


Puerto Rico is the 2” 
Rum Island, the world's 


region. And Ronrico is the 
rum—authentic Puerto Rica 


smooth. light taste has been the 


Rican num masters Опе sp wie N serene 
you why. г 7 RTO RI 
RONRICO: AUTHENTIC 

RUM OF PUERTO RICO. 


PLAYBOY 


dust. This signals him cither to place 
his cock through the hole or to reccive 
yours into his mouth 
I leave that booth and try one down 
the aisle. Several men are walking the 
aisle. Squeak, slam. I peer through a hole 
of my new booth. A young man with a 
blond beard sits on the stool, his pants 
down around his Army boots, casually 

ading his cock as if it were a kitten. 
nocks at my door, then 
marches on, and 1 am reminded of the 
poetic response of a gay friend when 1 
mentioned this club. “Just when I'd 
stopped opening doors," he said, quoting 
a Stephen Sondheim lyric. ally 
knowing the one that I wanted was 
yours.” This friend tells me that this 
place is less anonymous than one might 
imagine. Each man is looking. he says. 
lor а particular fantasy: the boy next 
door or a cowboy or a tough horny dude. 
“Не was extremely well endowed," my 
friend says, recalling a particular night. 
“Which is my thing. I'm a cock queen. 
1 get my pleasure orally. And we had 
such a wonderful time together that we 
left the booths after we were finished 
and leaned against the wall, talking. And 
he said, ‘I knew you were the one the 
тіне I saw you." And I wondered what 
it was, because, well, I'd say that 75 per- 
cent of the guys here are turned oll by 
my smooth skin, my kick of a beard, And 
I was thinking, Well, maybe it was my 
great body. Then he said, "You know 
hat it was? It was your Weejuns. I just. 
love Weejuns.’ 
The search for fantasy stretches far 
beyond the glory holes. И my friend's 
partner liked fraternity boys, the men 
im The Trench, a bar down the street, 
like cops. You enter through a Нар, like 
on an Army tent, and are almost 
immediately confronted with a room full 
of men dressed in black leather: police 
hats, motorcycle jackets with studs, tight 
pants with the ass cut out (most men out 
of respect for the weather wear blue 
jeans underneath), cl across the chest 
and around the waist, keys dangling from 
one hip or the other (left side means 
you like to give it in the ass, right side 
that you like to take it), dark aviator 
glasses, heavy knight's gloves. Some men 
Tave managed to put together a complete 
San Francisco Police Department. uni- 
Torm, complete with 36-inch baton. 
In the past ten years, there has been 
an evolution: from limp wrists to body- 
builders to macho, and the violence 
tendant in stripping an animal of its 
and wearing There аге back 
rooms there and in other bars where, I 
n told, late in the night, orgies will 
take place. Over the bar hangs a T-shirt 
bearing the words TUESDAY їз UNCUT 
Sici, which means that uncircumcised 
re particularly welcome that eve- 
le, the back yard of the Back- 
street Bar, formerly the Black and Blue, 
i ill for what my friends 


call an “orgy alfresco.” They say that at 
the Backstreet there is a motorcycle that 
hangs from the ceiling on wires. At mid- 
night, a the first several bars of Thus 
Spake Zarathustra, ihe men bow down 
ıo the bike. 


I have been told stories about the 
places where they have slave auctions on 
Wednesday nights, where they hang up 


boys by their thumbs, where they pour 
hot wax on their testicles, where а поове 
is hung around a neck to tighten just at 
1he moment of orgasm. There have been 
murders, unsolved, related to the bars. 
Men have bcen picked up, taken out to 
the beach or to anonymous hotel rooms, 
where they are later found manaded 
shot. No one knows if the killers a 
ight. A friend of mine hired de- 
s when the nice young man who 
worked in her office didn't show for a 
week. They found him in a hotel room, 
his hands cuffed behind his back. He 
her and shot through 
the head. She had never known that he 
liked to exchange his neat suits for motor- 
суе gear and heavy chains and go down 
to The Brigg. where whoever it was who 
killed him had picked him up. 

There are men who Фе of peritonitis 
(an infection of the abdomen caused by 
leakage from the intestine—women in 
the 19th Century used to die of it regu 
larly after childbirth) or of internal 
bleeding after fist tucking. The authors 
of The Joy of Gay Sex point out that fist 


fucking is “extremely dangerous” and 
that if a man has been fucked and feels 


the symptoms of internal bleeding (chills, 
stomach cramps, fever), he should get 
himsell to a surgeon. who is quite likely 
to reroute his intestine to а neat little 
sack on the outside of his body. They add, 
a fucking is becoming more and more 
popular, usually as a side line among 
sadomasochists, but some men practice it 
tenderly and gently, almost as though it 
were a form of yoga.” The whole fist, by 
the way, is not simply jammed inside the 
ass. You do it опе lubricated finger at a 
time, then clench the fist inside. The 
danger is that you might tear the sig- 
moid colon, an organ made of tissue the 
consistency—as The Joy describes 
of “wet paper towels.” 

Th n а local 
You tell me about that em- 
barrassing enema you got as а jr. high 
schooler and ГИ reply, telling you about 
ine. ..." An ad for the movie Born to 
Raise Hell, in which the action "develops 
as а series of brutal, yet beautiful, hap- 
penings on the screen." Ads for "fuck 
soup" and its neighbors on the gourmet's 
shelf, “eream of sperm” and. "split p 
with tits and ass"; ads for catalogs that 
sell harnesses tor the face while someone 
les" you t an ad for 
1 replica—your endowment hard 
soft sculpture.” And, of course, there are 
the ads Гог 


is an 


ad, next to 


models and escorts" —' 


muscleman, 50" C, 19" A, 32" W, lı 
good looks, vers." 

Paul says that 99 percent of his cus- 
tomers are gay, “а real cross section of 
the gay community, younger guys, old 
guys, guys who are better-looking 
than me, regular customers, guys I've 
been seeing for ten years.” He came here 
in 1967 and worked as a clerk, "modeling" 
оп the side until it got so lucrative һе 
gave up working for Pacific Gas and 
Electric. He charges $50 an hour in your 
hotel, $30 if you go to his apartment. He 
100 to $800 a week. 

"One person I had yesterday, 1 went 
over to this guy's apartment on Franklin. 
We went into the bedroom. He had a 
drink, I had a glass of water. He sucked 
me off for a while while I flexed. Then 1 
screwed him for a while. He had one of 
those big rubber dildos. 1 stuck that in 
his ass. Then he sat on it while I stood on 
the bed, masturbating. 1 wore black- 
leather boots. He masturbated while he 
looked at п orgasm, 1 
һай on 


ng, 


. 

It took the riot of М 
the city of San Francisco that its gay 
population was here in such number 
and such strength—as то be impossible to 


tion to the verdict in the trial 
n White, it ended as a scream to be 
seen: “We are here,” they said, "and we 
are not going away.” And it was а riot 
different from the black riots їп Watts 
for example, because it took place not in 
a ghetto, not on Castro Street but in 
front of City Hall. It was a weird com- 
bination of both oppression and power. 
While truly powerful people don't take 
to the streets to express anger, truly 
oppressed people are not allowed to riot 
for several hours with marginal police 
response. "Could you see a group of 1000 
blacks burning police cars?” asks an em- 
bittered black woman. "They would have 
dropped a small bomb on that crowd." 
The police were definitely restrained, 
either by direct command or by the lack 
of any real order to disperse the crowd. 


Damages came to $250,000 and in- 
cluded 12 police cars, all the bottom and 
front windows at City Hall—115 in all 
windows in stores on nearby Market 


Sueet and in cars parked nearby. One 
hundred twenty police and 45 demonsu 
tors were injured. There were 28 arrests 
Policeman after policeman echoed the 
words of offic Daniel A, McDonagh, 
who wrote an angry open letter to the 
Police Officers Asociati wsletter: 

very man looked at the others’ eyes, 
searching for someone to tell us to go out 
and end all this mess, but the order was 
ан. 
als i 


not lorthcom 
1t lett libe 


this tolerant town 
(continued on page 250) 


о Wvoo meen MY) он - WELL, THAT 9 


CHROMOSOMES?! OR урур MIND... 


2 к 
ў 5 E 57 
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ТЕГҮ, “7 7 
| BELIEVE iN LIVING | WHET, DOES TRAY V 
0 CAR 
Гр бб ЗУ || (nor 
| ү MAN. 


22 


THAT WAS WONDERFUL, 
КЕС...АНМ GOING 


НЕКЕ YOUARE, 
LORETTA MAE , MY 
VERY OWN SPECIAL 


IT'S STRANGE, BUT 
AH HAVE THIS 4 
OVERWHELMIN"^ 
DESIRE TO LISTEN 
TO мү FLAMENCO 
RECORDS / 


FLY. 


нен HEN 


237 


PHONUS INTERRUPTUS 


Oh! 1 just LOVE Your Duk! 
Deoh- qos! That fuls good ! R 


4 & Wh. N That's betouse Т 
: MATS NSS bnew quA. 


Bet SEES 


what did you mean you'll see 
hon later, f 

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ИИ а Oh ,HON-64 , temt on.. + 


A а! Le : ye NS ауыр it ,0қ? 


You and цол, ot Frierda " dni, 
те ом. 


238 


OUCH! Youre ака my BACK! 
It's nouee- youre doing Ж 


How do 400 like 

being hut? 
400 ВІТ МЕ... what 
shola 1 ери from 
д, (0404-0427 


Then 


stop bu ting 
me! 


BENO OVER, PLEASE. 
GREAT ASSEMBLY! 


КЕМУІН 
MASSAGE 


Y KNOW, 
BERNICE... 


Т 
ROLLED ӘР A TWENTY AN TRIED Т SNORT 
SH’ LINE DOWN TH MIDDLE OF ROD! 


l 


73 
PNY Fi 


SHE RUNS A LITTLE! 


‘aa 
" 


НОГ Sonenimess 


б » а 
~ A 
You DRIVE А 
HARD BARGAIN 


RI 
IRDS FOR ‘* THE MOST BARBITURATES 
SUMED DURING А TED NUGENT CONCERT” 


THESE ARE VICIOUS N 
RUMORS SPREAD 
JEALOUS PEEI 


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MPR 


241 


PLAYBOY 


242 


Sound hos color. And Sony audio tape with Full Color 
Sound reproduces every shade of color that's in the sound 


m 


= 
M 
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itself. It can actually record more 
sound than you can hear. Try it, and listen to all that color! 


STEVE MARTIN 


hook I've ever read: How 1 Found Free- 
dom in an Unjree World. by Harry 
Browne. His tenets аге complete honesty 
at all times, which is almost impossible. 
His point is that the only person who 
feels guilty in saying no is you 
PLAYBOY: Do you still have a lot of 
to work out? 

MARTIN: T think there are sever 
worth of things to work out. m working 
ош things constantly now. 
ting olf the road for a wh 
iuto а normal si 
the same bed every 
same friends all t 
our a lot of thin 
bers. how they 


Пу ger 
nd getting 
you're in 


ne. 
the question of nui 
letermine your validity: 
ch ews affect you. How to 
regard your privacy. WI 
interview. What I w 
үзе 

PLAYBOY: How do you think you've done 
so far? 
MARTIN: 


ts: how rev 


t to say in an 
t to reveal about 


I think Ive said more than I 
wanted to say. I don't know if ГЇ even 
read this. Pl just get depressed, по mat- 
ter how good it is. I feel like some ass- 
hole who's been asked questions of 
sophistica 


mental 


shaky is your 


y fragile mentally, sensi 


What makes you cry? 
I was on the road about three 


I was in New 
watcl 
It was, 
shock to me, wate 
foon. | just sit th 
started crying. I was 
room, weepi 
self, but there was no one 
didn't. This had never h ned to те 
before. The next tim s talking to 
my mother, recently, on the phone. It 
just something like, “We 
fate what you've done. 


York at the St. Reg 
nd this old comedy с 
Fields. It w: 
ng him be the buf- 
re and suddenly 1 
I by myself in 
I could've stopped my 


оп, 


round, so L 


ally ap 
That kind 
е both sort of түсерін 
us ago, 1 was dh 


g t0 Aspen 
and I'd made 


sette tapes of с. с. cum- 
mings’ six records, called Six Nonlec- 
tures, He speaks very hypnotically, 
talking about the artists respoi ty. 
the artist's life, and his dedication was so 
strong and so beautiful and moving that 
made me weep. 

PLAYBOY: You're a very rom: 


bii 


ic person, 


aren't you? 

martin: | think so. Romantic in the 
capital, сін ense. In your youth, 
you are so romantic and your emotions 


гс so strong about certain things th 
when they're finally а 
childhood love s very hard to go 
back to being overtly romantic in your 
ifc. Maybe that’s why you turn to 
ig and music and literature in- 


t 
ished, like in your 


own 
paint 


(continued from page 190) 


stead of 
boat. 
PLAYBOY: How happy are vou. 
you haven't gotten on that bc 
MARTIN: Happiness is so hard to define 
and foolish to define. Am I acting? 
That's the worst thing you can ask your- 
self. You can be happy suddenly. It can 
spring on you. not when you reach a 
1 u. You сап be happy going back- 
ward or going down. You can be happy 
at the loss of something. 

PLAYBOY: That's a pretty serious happi- 
ness, 

MARTIN: If T could correct one thing about 
myself, it would be to exploit my crea- 
in a more jubi 
everything with the old * 
titude. Trs the ide: 
If seriously. 
PLAYBOY: Not being afraid to blow it? 


iling to Tahiti on the pirates’ 


even if 


" 
of not taking your- 


MARTIN: The only fear T have is of blow 
ing it all. Irs the old show-business 
story. You make it and you're а fash, 


and then you're sitting there with noth- 
g left. Гле always kidded Га be a bum 
the gutter, But that’s not going to 
happen to me 
PLAYBOY: You said that low. 
MARTIN: ГЇЇ say it high. It's not going to 
happen to те! 
PLAYBOY: Well . .. excur-u-use me! 
MARTIN: One thing Га like to clear up 
about people imitating me. T read in 
i E ws thar I created these 
clichés or catch. phrases. Bur no one sets 
ош and says, ^L think TIL think up a 
cliché.” 1 never wanted to encourage it. 
It just started happening. I had to drop 
the "Exc ine, because people 
knew it too well. Sometimes I still do it. 
but I try to twist it around a little. For 
а while, 1 was saying, "I don't say 
"Excuse те anymore. And if you don’t 
like it, well, excunuse me." It’s like 
singing a hit song over and over. But 
I'm not premising my act on it ат 
1 don't want to be identified with "Ex. 
сизе me," because once "Excuse me 
dies, then 1 go with i 
PLAYBOY: You don't want to go the way 
of the Hula Hoop or pet rock 
MARTIN: I realize I'm a lad, so 1 don't 
get too excited. Its interesting to | 
made up a lad or to make up a saying. 
PLAYBOY: Like the license plate in 
fornia that says GET SMALL? 
MARTIN: | used to get pictures of people 
with their birth announcements and ріс- 
tures of their kids with nose glasses an- 
nouncing the birth of a wild and crazy 
guy. [Laughs] 
PLAYBOY: Do you feel funny just before 
you go onstage? Lenny Bruce said that he 
threw up three times before he could go 
out ther 
MARTIN: 1 don't feel funny until I hit the 
маре and get my first laugh. In fact, 1 
only [eel funny onstage. A person's wor! 
and who he is are two different 0 


те 


ws or 


PLAYBOY: 
about you 
MARTIN: They told me about a guy up in 
Philadelphia who has my personality to 
the point of psychopathy. He can't get 
out of it. He is in the hospital, he goes 
to a shrink. He talks like me. 

PLAYBOY: It might help him to know 
what you're like ollstage. 

MARTIN: I really ат two people! 


Many people don't know that 


Where did you learn to play the banjo? 
MARTIN: I was at a friend's house and I 
aid. I'm going to 
As T said. Т was 
‘ed mc. I used to slow 
records down to 16 and pick up the notes. 
PLAYBOY: What's your favorite music? 
MARTIN: I like cl. itar, bluegrass 
and Irish music. I'm eclectic when it 
comes to music. I don't have one pop 


stoned. It just s 


record 
PLAYBOY: Now that you've hecome а 
actor, will you study acting? 


MARTIN: No, I don't have the time or the 
inclination to practice. T say carn while 
you learn. [Laughs] V think T have 
enough natural experience to get by. l'm 
a beginning actor: experience will make 
me better. 

PLAYBOY: What would you consider your 
greatest accomplishment to date? 

MARTIN: The Absent-Minded Waiter And 
the position T achieved in stand-up соп 
edy. To me, that's a true. accomplish- 
ment T can look hack last simmer 
and say, “I did the impossible. I did 
what one in a million do. Or one in 
10.000.000 do." Even [or a moment. to 
be on top. That's all on top is, a mo 
ment, no matter who you are, even if 
you're Elvis, you're on top momentarily 
in terms of time. T hat's the thrill, to say, 
"Yeah, I was Ше biggest comedian in 
the world.” 

PLAYBOY: Earlier, you said you're not at 
the height of your career; now you're 
putting yourself in the past tense. 
MARTIN: 1 never expected it to last a long 
time, because that kind of frenzy can't. 
It's almost like breathing a sigh of m 
lief. Bob Newhart told me when he was 
the biggest comedian he kept wondering, 
Who's going to be next? And when 
Cosby came along, he said he went, 
Uhhh, thank God, That's the way I [cel 


Its like I can level out and let my talent 
come out rather than my ability to 
manipulate. 


PLAYBOY: And where would you like that 
talent to lead? 

MARTIN: 1 will be very happy if, when 
I'm 60, I can look back, having made 
10 comedies, and say, "I was a funny 
person in this world.” 

PLAYBOY: And what would you say 10 
young comedians from that vantage 
point? 

MARTIN: Always take your wallet onstage 


with you, 


243 


Seagram's VO. 
The symbol of imported luxury. Bottled in Canada. 
Enjoy our quality in moderation. 
Canadian whisky. A blend. 6 years old. 86.8 Proof. Seagram Distillers Co., N.Y.C. Gift-wrapped ut no extra charge. 


PLAYBOY’S PIPELINE 


MAN & WORK 


TIPS ON KEEPING YOUR LIFESTYLE IN HIGH GEAR 


WORKING FOR THE FEDS 


T you sign on with Uncle Sam. you 
risk getting stuck with a humdrum 
job and having friends blame you 
for every Government blun- 
der. In you risk being di 
cribed by the only President you have 
as “umderworked, overpaid and in- 
ed from the consequences of 
competence." On the other hand. there 
are just about 3,000,000 nonelected 
Civil Service jobs in the Federal merit 
system, many neither dull nor trivial 
nd if your priori 1 pay, 
super benefits, public s nd womb- 
like security, you m ler work- 
ing for the Man. 


personall 


ddition 


su 


s are decet 


1 cons 


Lefkowitz, a senior economist at the 
U.S. Chamber of Commerce, explains, 
“Assume that a man who retires from 
the Government 


f percent, by the time he dies, 
pension will be about $80,000 a year. 
e employee who retires with a 
still be getti 
520,000 22 years from his retirement." 

What may be even better than the 
pension is the chance to crack the so 
called revolving door with industry. 
As а rule of thumb, a Government 
policy maker with five years’ experience 
cin expect to double his salary by ente 
ing the private sector. 


SIGNING ON 


JOY OF CIVIL SERVICE 
Job security is probably the best 

reason for working) 1 Government. Your firm won't go out of 

business ted dismissal rs 


m off on some- 


competent. employees 
body else. Promot 
practice based on iner 
erage every 99 months 


d eventually palm th 
m. based theoretically on merit, is in 
Federal employees are promoted on 


Salaries of civil servants are by law "comparable" to 
ot rly employed civilians. For each Octobe 
ljustment, the Bureau of Labor Statistics surveys priv 


sector salaries and the Presidents Pay Agent recommends ап 

average raise that the President can accept, reject ог modify. 

(Last year they haygled: Agent recommended 10.4 percent 

increase; Carter offered anti-inilationary 5.5 percent: Fed work- 

s beefed; Carter boosted increase to seven percent voluntary 

limit) In 1978, average pay for Federal nonmilitary employees 
а it was S13, 


Over 7.5 percent of the Federal шагы 
$25,000 a year, the most lua acies being the Nuclear 
Regulatory Commission, National Science Foundation and Na- 
jonal Aeronautics and Space Administration. And although the 
basic top salary remains pegged to Presidential appointees’ 
550,000, the Civil Service Reform Act of 1978 created Senior 
cutive Service, in which high-level employees can with merit 
incentive bonuses carn up to $66,000. 

But it's benefits that really separate the С men from the in- 
dustry boys. А U. S. & World Report special study reveals 
that during 1977, Federal employee benefits cost 
57171 compared with a niggardly 51677 for civilians. Beginning 
employees get 13 yearly vacation days—in Fed parlance, 
"leave^—and, alter 15 years’ service, 26 days. They also receive 
13 sickleave days, which, if unused, can accumulate credits 
toward pensions. Uncle Sam really splurges on pensions һу 
offering the possibility of full retirement at the age of 55 and 
pensions adjusted upwards for inflation twice every year. Martin 


Like to be a helicopter pilot, Customs 
dog handler, procurement officer, in 
terdisciplinary engineer? Or ship out as a fire fighter іп Bermu- 

i а Kenya or, 


da, an cntomologist in Zanzibar, 
what sounds like the most [rust 
manager in Italy? 
Those are admittedly the more exotic positions among the 
0,000 monthly Federal job openings and you find out what's 
ailable at a Federal Job Information Center. Although last 
year nearly a third of the centers were closed, hours were short- 
ened to ten AM. to three P.M. and "800" numbers were d 
connected, least опе office in each state you сап 
in your arca, 
ve to be at least 18 years old and, if not 
resident of American Samoa. After that, 
without 
nal origin, sex, 
upping condition and with regard 


mess 


there is still а 


call, write or, preferably, visit to learn what's opei 
For most jobs, you 


dual privacy and cor 
Job descriptions stipulate the qu 
not written exams аге require college degree or 
equivalent experience, you will probably take the lour-anda- 
hal-hour Professional and Administrative Career mination 
(PACE) to be eligible for a wide variety of entry-level positions 
with hightevel potential. Jobs that require PACE 
economists, computer specialists, writers and editors 
ready, the Federal Jobletter сап show you 
where to cut some corners. It is the only comprehensive listing 


s and whether or 


Яй ий, hes Gaverhiment antl hei COMA 
sony best known to itself, publishes no comparable list. Besides 
helping break the Washington residents’ stranglehold on access 
to recent openings, Federal Jobletter (ten dollars for three is- 
sues, from Washington Research Associates, Р.О. Box 3209 

Washington, D.C. 20007) keeps up with new developments in 
Government employment and enables you to send your résumé 
directly to the person doing the hiring. You won't untangle all 
the red tape, but you may alleviate enough aggravation so 
least it won't seem so sticky. THEODORE FISCHER 


245 


THE MORE ADVANCED YOU GET 
THE MORE ADVANCED IT GETS. 


The fully automatic OM-1O. It's ready for full exposure control when you are. 


That time could corne sooner 
than you think. 

Maybe you can't picture it 
now, but you will after a few months 
with the Olympus ОМ-10. 

That's when you'll start to find 
out just how much this fully auto- 
matic, focus-and-shoot SLR, which 
does just about everything for you, 
can really do for you. 

To begin with, the OM-10 
automatic SLR gives you the option 
of dispensing with automatic. 

Which is exactly what you'll 
want to do when you becorne 
advanced enough to want more 
control. 

And to do it you just attach 
the optional full exposure control 
device. 

This adapter permits you to 
switch your OM-10 automatic into 
an OM-10 with full exposure control 
speeds from 1-1/1000 sec. 

On full exposure control or 
automatic, there's one other thing 
the OM-10 does for you. It gives you 
access to one of the biggest and still 
growing compact SLR System in 
the world. The Olympus System. 
With its three frames-per-second 
winder, its flash, its zoom, tele- 
photo, wide angle and fisheye 
lenses. For a start. 

If you're interested in the kind 
of fully automatic camera a profes- 
sional can appreciate, write for our 
detailed brochure. 

Olympus, Woodbury, N.Y. 11797. 


d 


AT 


The OM-10 with optional 
full exposure contro device 


PLAYBOY'S PIPELINE 


SCI-H COMES TO НЕН 


TIPS ON KEEPING YOUR LIFESTYLE IN HIGH GEAR 


he Avalon of audio aficionados 
is a room whose acoustic prop- 
crtics and apparent size can bc 
ed to provide an optimum en- 
vironment for the music played (or 
recorded). In this room, there are loud- 
speakers without diaphragms, tape т 
corders with a dynamic range at least 
as wide as that of live music and record 
players that operate with no friction of 
а stylus against a disc groove 

Fifteen’ years ago, such desider 
would have been considered more in 
the realm of sci-fi Шап of hi-fi. Today, 
some of it actually is here, while por- 
tents of the future loom promisingly. 


ROOM SERVICE 
For control of the musical environ- 
ment. there's a plethora of devices that 
can simulate the acoustics and ambi 
ence of rooms other than your own. 
They span the acoustic gamut [rom disco to concert hall. The 
"space enhancer” is connected to the preamp outputs of 
stereo system. Most of the original signal is still fed to the 
original power amp and speakers. Part of it, however, is proc 
essed and fed to a second amplifier driving another pair of 
speakers, usually placed toward the rear or along the side walls. 
A related technique is room equalizing—that is, adjusting 
portions of the frequency range up or down as required, А 
stumbling block in the past was how to determine just how 
much up ог down and at what frequencies, Enter the real-time 
analyzer, a heavy-tech device that functions like an array ol 
meters all at once. Until recently, realtime analyzers were 
priced out of consumer reach, and they were too complex even 
for dedicated sound bulfs to master. Today, realtime analyzers 
are available that cost no more than a receiver or a tape deck. 
Operation has been simplified. The newest fantasy come true 
in this product area is а combination analyzer and graphic 
equalizer. The first of this new kind of allin-one is Audio 
Conuols Model C101. priced at $349. The product, not to 
mention the price, was unbelievable a few years ago. 


HOT NEWS IN SPEAKERS 

Speakers without physical diaphragms have long been a 
designer's goal. Why? Without the need to move а physical 
member to produce sound, а speaker cin be freed of inertia 
nd of mass. which limit performance. Such а speaker could 
pproach that theoretically ideal “point source,” radiating 
equal amounts of acoustic power evenly into the room, While 
auempis to make such a speaker are not new, none has totally 
succeeded. But the quest goes on. The tot version is the 
Hill Type 1 built by Alan Hill, who heads a company in 
Albuquerque, New Mexico, involved in laser physics. Brielly, 
the Hill Type Ds driver element is a purple plasma. of air- 
mixed heliu 
T 
700 Hz: lower tones arc reproduced by conventional elements 
o pair of Hill Type 1 speakers costs about 56000. 


from tanks within the. system's fourand-three- 


tertoot enclosure 


The plasma handles frequencies above 


A ster 


MUSIC BY THE NUMBERS 
The tape recorder with a dynamic 
e of 90 decibels or better is a rali- 


ty. It is, of course, the digital recorder 
that encodes musical signals via a 
binary computerlike numbering syst 


thus avoids the distortions and 
limitations of conventional ana- 
recorders. 

Prices have been out of sight, head- 
ing upwards of 520.000 for the basic 
machine, A 32-track monster developed 
by the 3M Company was not even for 
sale initially: the first four were leased 
to major recording companies for a 
reservation and installation fee of 
510.000, plus a monthly rental of 54000 
and four dollars per hour of actual use. 
Currently, the sale price is 5115.000 Ior 
the basic recorder. 

While digital recording at realistic 
consumer. prices is still far off. there is 
word ol a few companies adapting their video-tape systems for 
recording digital audio. The names mentioned most іш this 
area ate Mitsubishi, Sony, Hitachi, JVC and Panasonic. The 
Sony device—the Model PCM-1, priced at $4000—will record 
sound digitally оп Beta video-cassette decks 


and 


other 
log 


THE MUSIC GOES ROUND 

For most of us, the main home music source remains the 
disc recording. Digital technology could create а record with 
по groove wear or surface deterioration caused by the friction 
of a stylus in the groove. Instead of being cut with wiggles, 
such а disc would be modulated digitally and a series оГ pits 
could be sensed by something like a laser beam [rom а non 
contacting tonearm. The technique is similar to that used for 
video discs. It already has been demonstrated by Sony. Magna 
vox Philips nd Pioneer, RCA, JVC and Matsushita have come 
up with alternate systems that use a contacting arm with an 
clement that senses changes im capacitance between the arm 
and the metal base of the disc. But it's all digital, one way or 

nother. No one is sure just when these units will hit the mar 
ket or what they will cost; the most optimistic speculation has 
them at under 51000, 


SO WHAT ELSE 15 NEW? 

If laser-beam record players aren't futuristic enough, con 
sider the implications of a new computer development known 
as the magnetic bubble. Evolving from the memory chip (an 
incredibly small glob of material on or in which an enormous 
amount of coded binary data can be stored). the bubble could 
eventually be used to store, say, all of Beethoven's nine sym 
phonics. with perhaps his chamber music induded, on а block 
а few inches long and maybe one inch thick. You insert the 
block into a slot on а machine about the size of a cigar box 
and out comes the music—in full gorgeous stereo and unre 
stricted frequency The name of the game 
is information density—a h-tech types аге up to 
their golden cars in it behind closed doors. —NORMAN EISENBERG 


247 


" 
ra us pc n 


"A 
P: WiTH | a 
ГА кеўи to Satan n 1745 о 


ت 


= 
DRAMBUIE OVER ICE WITH ALL THE TRIMMINGS. 


PLAYBOY’S PIPELINE 


HOW TO GET LOW-COST LEGAL ADVICE 


TIPS ON KEEPING YOUR LIFESTYLE IN HIGH GEAR 


egal clinics are the new wave for 

delivery of legal services, There 

is an inexorable wend to lower 
the cost, move the 
borhoods, standardize legal services 
use modern technology for the efficient 
processing of legal matters. 


Ices into the ni 


WHY LEGAL CLINICS? 

Legal se e everything else, 
have become nsive commodity 
A major factor in the decision to use 
lawyer has always been the expense in- 
volved. You may postpone or deny 
yourself leg hits because the cost of 
getting what's coming to you cannot be 
justified or because the remedy may be 
more expensive than the status qui 
The affluent have no trouble utilizing 
the services of lawyers, who are fre 
quently on ret © available 
to answer questions and litigate rights. 
The rise in professional conscience in the Sixties 
vliferation of legal services Гог the poor 
fenders, legaLaid societies and public interest groups who wer 
willing to sacrifice lucrative law practices for what they viewed 
ауа social obligation, Between the very rich and the poor were 
many mainstream people who were Пу being denied legal 
services because of the expense, Even routine matters—divorce: 
wills, leases, p frequently 
led as bı y citizen 


сез, 


n exp: 


ainer and 


Iso resulted 
public de 


odua w: 
reg ond the 
This set the stage Гог the prolife 
In 1077, the United States Supreme Court 
trend Бу finding that traditional restricti 
| services violated the First Amendment, and thereafter the 
cluding the fees charged, was per- 
mitted as long as the ads were not false or misleading. This 
broke the log jam that had long prevented low-cost neighbor- 
hood legal offices. which are now appearing in every state and 
which are certain to expand in location, services and sophistic 
tion, Regional—and even national—chainsare already emerging. 


ction, eic. 
bility of the ordi 
al clinics 


celerated the 
Ivertising of 


jees, 


WHAT DO LEGAL CLINICS DO? 

Legal clinics are a combination of the traditional neighbor- 
hood law office and the new world of data processing and 
systems. Their goal is to provide high-quality legal services to 
the middle class for low lees. Legal clinics avoid complicated 
or highly specialized legal problems and concentrate on the 
kinds of problems the average person is likely to face. The most 
frequent matters. handled by le; пісу are domestic cases 
(divorce, adoption. c ‚ support, etc.), debtor /creditor 
disputes, landlord /teifant relationships. residential sales, simple 
incorporations, simple wills and estate plans, bankruptcies, po 

tions and. workmen'scompensation. claims and, 


HOW DO LEGAL CLINICS OPERATE? 


There is no standardized manner in which legal clinics are 
organized or in which they function. Generally, the fees that 


are charged are from one half to two 
thirds of traditional costs. Some clinics 
single-unit offices. with 
and dedicated young lawyers; some are 
highly sophisticated networks of inter- 
state offices using standardized manuals, 
techniques and word-processing systems. 
Nationally known chain stores are al- 
саду offering legal services on an es- 
perimental basis. 

Advertising and promotion to encour- 
age clients and to define services and 
fees are common characteristics. Solici- 
tation of clients, honestly and fa 
done and without misrepresents 
will be common practice of I 
of the futu 
leg; 


© 


is available to make crucial legal judg- 
ments. In that way, it is hoped that the 
consumer will benefit. In addition, 


where the 
ht be ava 


€ is a network of legal clinics, a circuitzriding expert 
ble for more complicated. 16 

appropri 
either free or made 


blemes or 


re the service of a leg 


1 specialist i 


Initial consultation 


nominal charge 
hourly rates ady, sophis 
cated computerized | ch is available that replaces the 
hours spent in dusty sticks searching for the elusive precedent. 
Tradition has given way to efficiency 

One caveat: Although legal clinics may be the wave of the 
may well he stormy. The potential of clinies is 
substantial, but the quality and consistency of legal s 


in comparison with u 


l resea 


furure, the se: 


- 
have yet to be proved 

The law is steeped in tradition that conflicts with the concept 
of clinics. The promotion and advertising of legal services ave 
relatively new. The ethical standards of the profession are 
being reassessed and redefined. There have been failures, 
there have been successes, just as in the past, but legal practice 
will never be the same. 

In your visit to a clinic, you should expect а booklet on its 
services and procedures, a courteous interview, an explanation 
and estimate of future services and costs, You should not expect 
legal services for complex, protracted litigation 


HOW CAN | GET MORE INFORMATION? 

A number of organizations exist that will help you locate a 
legal с your community aud will provide additional 
helpful information. Write or call: National Resource Center 
for Consumers of Legal Services, 1302 18th Street. NW. Wash- 
ngton, D.C. 20036, 202-650-8511; American Legal Clinic Asso- 
ciation, 294 Main Street, East Greenwich, Rhode Island 02818, 
800-556-6882 ог 401-881-9133; Playboy Foundation, Playboy 
Building, 919 North Michigan Avenue, СІ 60611; 

эш local bar association 
he friendly, efficient, low-cost legal office is definitely here 
undoubtedly handle an ever-increasing per- 
centage of legal alfairs—to benefit these who have too long 
been denied those service: BURTON JOSEPH 


mbitious * 


249 


PLAYBOY 


250 


SAN FRANCISCO EXPERIENCE 


(continued from page 236) 


“I watched the annual Gay Freedom Day Parade. I 
was appalled, uneasy, guilt-ridden, saddened.’” 


dismay. The White verdict was to no 
one’s liking: А man who had clearly 
killed two public officials had 7 
away with" voluntary manslaughter 
а sentence of seven years, cight months. 
Those who were present in the court- 
‘oom could see how the jury had arrived 
at this seemingly incomprehensible de- 
ision: The jury was comprised of people 
uch like White. He wa 
mer fireman, a m 
in the waditional values of 
ily and hones 
mportant to 
Vietnam. trained by the police in 
g guns, a man who believed in the 
ethic of macho— isa man. 
He had been betrayed, the defense was 
quick to point out, by the two politicans 
he finally killed. George Moscone, the 
mayor of the city, and supervisor Harvey 
Milk, the first open homosexual in 
Francisco to be elected to office, were 
ical allies who were elected on the 
inority cc ions. Milk had 
t White, had counseled 
Moscone reappoint after 
White had resigned his supervisory chair 
and then asked for it back. Defense at- 
torney Douglas Schmidt wondered aloud 
how someone like White could haye shot 
those two men. And he supplied the 


not 10 


эмет; White was sullering from manic 
depression, “a vile biochemical change, a 
mental illness.” 


to repair, as secret 
ves—people who had children, 


who lived near White's neighbor 


heard his story over a 
heard confident psych 
illness 


jatrists testify to his 
A mismanaged and probably 
prosecution provided them with 
n. Verd 
ger. Conclu 
man like “us, 


m- 


ic pressu 
от he considered to be 


It is not ssume that the jury 
nt easy on White simply because Milk. 
s а homosexual. Moscone was married 
and the father of four children. But what 
the jury stands for, in this unfolding 
drama, are the people who, like White, 
are growing invisible i 
Their storie their fears, 
hopes, dreams are 
much anymore. They live in the outer 
neighborhoods, pay taxes, try to rai 
children. And they sce a spraw 
Sodom and norrah at thei 

Tolerant people who once welcomed 


gays to their children’s piano recitals 
have started to feel the ground shifting 
underneath. The riot made them uneasy. 
But what side are they to take? While 
many felt anger at the White verdict and 
even sympathized with the riot, the sud- 


Supervi 
1981. says a savvy pol 
may well be three. 
open I 


tical reporter, there 
Specu ide, 
Is hold only two com- 
ssioned. appo is in town: they 
id three until David Scott, former head 
of the city’s Board of Permit Appeals, 
decided to run for m nal was subse- 
quently fired from hi 
most routine politic: 
present m: nne 
While at least опе gay man, Leonard 
Matlovich, who came ош in the Army 
ed the cover of Time magazi 
ight c 
are running as well, spawning 
the liberal Democratic га 
s claim that his disi 
de facto be represented. by 
akles neighborhood ре 
feel that Britt has p 


NOSEN 


einstein, 


infighting 


d һе can repre- 


sent more than his own specialinterest 
group. "We beli ‚ having 
kids and being poor," says [daree West- 


ok, 
the district. “Britt's philosophy runs 


black woman active 


politics 


эң: he can do for 
gays, not what he could do for me." 

Britt does feel what he calls a backlash 
in town. “A lot of people,” he says, " 

ving ıo deal with some realities they 
would prefer not to deal with. But I 

"t feel the riot has changed people’ 
attitudes toward gay people in a negative 
way: T think i ps brought to 
the sur 

“On the other hand," Britt continues, 
“I think those events heightened people's 
awareness of our needs: 1 was taught to 
be nice to ‘colored folks.” but when they 
started asserting themselves and demand- 
ing their fair share of society, all of a 
sudden I wasn't supposed to be nice to 
them. I was raised to feel that 1 was pa 
of a majority, as а white mal 
we should be nice to everyone 
all of us are minorities. This whole sens 
of all-American... maybe all-American 
means Vietnamese Americar 

1 don't want anything fom у 
is a threat to you unless there's some 
thing about your im: 
being challenged. We a 
Africa is what I'm saying. 

Last June 27. a local humor columnist, 


inst mine; he says wl 


are 


Arthur Hoppe, wrote: “Once again 1 
watched the annual Gay Freedom Day Pa 
rade. Once again Î was appalled . . . un- 
iden and. іп the end. 
saddened. . . . 1 leel belligerence and 
hostility these days wherever homose: 
uals congregate. Because of it. 1 do шу 
best to avoid gay neighborhoods, gay par- 
rs. It makes me ill at case, 
nd often а litle frightened. 
КІ understand ir. I understand 
me exactly as 1 once 
. may not be preju- 
"dividual homosex 
inst homo- 


it for th 
treated th 


people, we say to 
voted against 
tried ıo pi 


ıhe schools. 
But there's а 
deeper waves of the 


ПТА 


а voice uneasy 
they have the power in the city: 
they take care of the schools? Wot 
who live near Castro feel safer 
on the streets than in any other ne 
hood, but they feel like lepe 
in the night, in certain stores. 
restaurants. There are bars where you 
just don’t walk in the door. 

So? says So don't go into 
those stores, those restaurants, those bars. 

And the first voice answers, Why the 
fuck not? This was my neighborhood be- 
fore it was theirs. 

Women are mot 
discos because they are 
nd if your shoes 
you are asked for two pie 
LD. During a tou 
ded by 


certa 


second voic 


certain 
“open- 


lowed 


we: 


closed. 


tocd shoes," 
ured 
gym, 


surro 
black Speedos, I felt a 
if my underwear had slipped down 
around my ankles, as if my body, which 
not muscled or tan, is something to hide- 
ve we like those liberals who wanted 
blacks to be free bur not next door? Or 
е we coming to the edge of our under- 
y here in this sexual pla 
carries our [ 
as our inborn terror of people in groups? 
“It's the cult of it,” says the pretty typist- 
bookkeepi make me feel 
much like just a little tiny person, alone.” 

Scene: a cottage overlooking San F 
cio Bay, A Sunday brunch is in full 
Enter а з writer for 
East t newspaper. She has just 
for rent. “And it's not too 
she says, excited. y 

Her hostess sighs. “That's the place I 
told you about,” she says. “They only 
rent to gays." 

Adds another, “The last time I checked 
bout 
And 
And they re- 
plied, "We don't intend to put it in the 
ad!" Almost in oue motion, everyone 


tawny 


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- > 
< Sick Ж eus 
E — єп} бйз Once CO 


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PLAYBOY 


252 


in the room clenches а fist. 

Heterose s out here may look like a 
conspiracy, but we don't feel like one. 
We are fumbling about with our open 
marriages and our trial separations and 
our pathetic statistics; One out of four 
children will end up being reared by a 
single parent; one out of three marriages 
end in divorce. іп Harrisburg, Pennsyl- 
the House of Representatives— 
upset over the governor's proclamation 
designating the week of last June 24 as 
Gay Pride Week—voted to call that 
same week Family Pride Week. 

Stanley Keleman, therapist and direc- 
tor of the Center for Energetic Studies at 
says that as long as there is a 
loud defense of the heterosexual lifestyle, 
"Bui 
"when the entire sexual ethic is 
attacked, when the nily is broken 
down and when being ‘conservatively 
sexual' is labeled as dysfunctional, then 
1 think we have something to worry 
about. Castro Street doesn't. bother me. 
Homosexuals parading and loving each 
other don't bother me. But when they 


insist that we're all homosexual or that 
their ethic is equal to ours in terms of the 
culture or that there's ап attempt to 
weaken the family and do away with 
sexual roles, then we're in trouble. 

Harry Britt: “The point is that Ameri- 


) us 
ity there are these 
deep lay ral myths and avoid- 
nces. The visible gay presence chal- 
lenges that. Gay people from the time we 
are born simply cannot buy the cultural 
attitudes toward sexuality. My boy 
sexual fantasies were pretty tame in 
terms of heavy breathing and all that, 
but there was a very real sense that there 
was something I wanted that was very 
loving and very real from other boys, and 
that—froi point of. view—was 
bad. We ng questions we've 
wanted to raise lor so long." 

“You say Хо, по, no—and then finally 
do it.” says a gay man named Chet. "And 
then you've done something in defiance 
of great taboos and lived through it. It's 
really the way so many problems сап be 


and 


“That’s not dirt in your soup... it’s earth?” 


асс. You have to come out of repres 
Its not just sexual. The problem 
gays open the doors to sexuality 
and dose them 10 everything else; а lot 
of men can only repeat that moment 
endlessly and т go on from it." 

Chet tells of a friend from New York 
wh me to San Francisco on a research 
stint, “He said he felt a most unpleasant 
atmosphere here, an underlying tension. 
He felt the whole attitude tow: y 
was very hypocritical. 

° says Chet, “that The Gay 
is a past euphemism, It may be 
that we've changed f 
first lines of the wa 
People knew about it and it was OK, 
separate but equal. But the fight will 
happen here because of this city’s open- 
ness. Harvey Milk ran on a gay platform. 
He was the hrst gay city oficial to be 
important, to have a voice. One of the 
things about the Dan White case is that 
no one mentions Moscone anymor 
am harassed more and more now. 1 
was walking with a friend and some kids 
screamed, ‘For he's a jolly good faggot!" 
Then I was walking the dog in the park 
and a car came up the road with four 
guys in it. They yelled out, ‘It’s because 
of people like you that we don't ha 
City Hall anymore.’ 

“I said, ‘What? And they sped aw: 
I would like to have gotten to them. 
What did they think 1 had done? 
Who did they think I wa 

. 

The parade undulated up the wide 

boulevard: Lavender Harmony Band. 


nter, Gays Against Nuclear 
Committee to Defend Reproduc- 
Rights, the Bisexual Center, Church 
ol the Androgyne, Dentists for Human 
Rights, Gay Softball League, Order of 


Displaced Okies, Goat Hill Pizza. Gay 
American Indians, Gay Men's Chorus. 
With flutes and banners and roller 


skates, Hoats and disco music and laven- 
der balloons, lor three hall hours, 
the women (in sober greens and grays) 
d the men (three-piece suits to. pink 
ballet tutus) took over downtown San 
Francisco on a loggy Sunday in June near 
brunchtime. The weather was cold and 
the wind was fierce, but still the crowds 
stood five deep as they watched up to 
250,000 marchers strut up Market Street 
10 the heart of San Francisco, City Hall, 
where three weeks before, thousands had 
rioted protesting the White verdict 

Onward they marche с Reno Gay 
Rodeo, the G y Marching 
Band, San F 
Women Against Rape, Lesbian School- 
workers, Lesbi йпм Police Vio- 
lence. And eadi bloc of marchers was 
marked by the pasing of a smiling, 
waving politicis 
(text concluded on page 255, following 
“Crossing Over” on page 254) 


IMPORTED ENGLISH GIN, 100% NEUTRAL SPIRITS, 94 6 PROOF IMPORTED BY SOMERSET IMPORTERS, LTO; NY. © 1979. 


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à Es Y & 
"us Lop TANQUERAY yp. 
s ONDON SE NGLAN ы 


NGLA Pic us par ort wO бы 
n 1 
^WNp .' лоо СВА 


Why give an empty collector's item, 
when you can give a full one. 


Tanqueray Gin. A singular experience. 


254 


CROSSING 
OVER 


The mustache isn't working. Care- 
fully chosen (the $8.95 edition) and 
‘fully carried in its pristine pink 
plastic box over to а gay friend's 


house, where 1 am dr it is the 
key to my success and it's not working. 
1 look, even in the square mirror in 
the bath . even with the rheostat 


turned down to zero, like a girl with a 


ssing. 


mustache on. 


The Nero Gellagher nobody knows. 


My wig. however, is terrific. My wig 
is dark red and has curls. It makes me 
look about 16 and mean. When I put 
on my Army hat, a pillbox job with а 
bascball-cap bill. I look about 17 and 
stupid. The leotard under my exqui 
sitely gay flannel shirt Hattens my 
breasts just right; and if there is any 
doubt left, we have added а nivy-blue. 
frontzippered sweat shirt. D will be 
told 
of the front pockets and put the 
my pants pockets, where they belor 
“What are you, а kangaroo?” says my 
friend's roommate /lover 

“No.” 1 respond. “I'm a woman.” T 

of Cightassed jeans 
а heavy belt and шу friend’ 
than-my-teetwill-ever-be run 
shoes (green). because. though 1 
was proud to walk in my own shoes 
it has been explained to me that my 
feet, like my wrists. are so small as to 
g the 
costume thar 90 percent of the men 
on Castro Street wea the costume 
my other friend. Chet. calls “as tradi 
ional chanel suit, darling” On 
boyish. careless. reckless 
It makes me look, says my friend 
kindly, "like a serappy kid." 

1 have darkened my eyebrows and 
thickened them with pencil, We have 
discovered in much mi paring 
that men's faces are somehow rough 


I evening to take my hands out 
in 


on a 


invite trouble. Гат now we: 


or con 


forget everything you've heard — 
theres only one way to find out 


what they really do to each other 


er, more lined than women's. 1 


have drawn circle: 


heay 


under my eycs and 
ng five-o'clock shi 
. But the mustache isn't worki 
end amd his roomm 
cd. We stare into the mirr 
twee weird sisters. Sudde 
them grabs the mustache 
nc ci 


n myself a d. 


у. one of 
d slides it 


shth inch down. so that it cove 
lip. We gasp. With the 


my uppe 
we of the 


r mustache. my rather 
full—dare 1 say heare-shaped?—upper 
lip is gone and in its place is a brush 


ol brown fur that transforms my face 
from that of a delicate blonde жоі 

mo a ruddy brat. “Voila,” says on 
of my valets.” ing to work. 


1 am doing all chis mustache ді 
nd arranging. all this dressing and 
painstaking looking in the mirror, b 
cause 1 want to go down to a club I 
© heard about in which the m 
stick their cocks through holes in the 
walls of private booths and get sucked 
off. Almost since I heard about it, E 
© known down 
there 
terror into my heart, И 
to me to be the ultimate 
experience, the nitty-gritty of 
relations. 1 know very well that all gay 
men do not go to these "glory holes.” 
and 1 know that 


casual 


мга! 
азу and I know that some men 


go as 
view them as sport—occa like 
duck hunting. It is not something I 


ily imagine women doing (the 
for example, might stop you 
before you begi 


it is that scares me about the combina 


tion of anonymity and sex. 
Ik out the door, my 
appears with a sock 
nother sock, “You're 
need of an endowment.” he 
ha е the bundle. E ask them to 


Just before I w 
rend 


within 


ling n 
stand in profile. so that 1 са 
big theirs are. They tell me I'm a cock 
ht to behave myself. 

Outside. I am told to square my 
d take my hands out of 
my sweat-shirt pockets. “You're walk- 
ing too loose,” says one of my advisors, 
“Walk stiff.” P square my shoulders 
and imagine an ironing be 
n my pants. I take my ha 
the front pockets of the sw 
nd dig them deep into my jeans 
pockets. so that my wrists don't show. 
With my back stiff and my hands in 
my pockets, I tend to walk like a cow- 


see how 


boy. all rolling gait. Т feel the burden 
ss begin to fade. I 
know that I durably ugly. but 
rather than feel ashamed. I feel free. 
‘There will be no one looking at me 
the way men do on the street. no re 
marks to head off, no respect to de 
mand. I am „scrappy kid. And 


of self-conscious: 


I'm gay. to boot. 
We get out of the car—by now five 
у men, having been joined by two 
hiends—on a street in North Beach. 
the old bohemian neighborhood. 
Three of us stand on the street corner. 
avoiding the light, while the two 
others go to buy film. A tall man in a 
business suit with a nice face walks up 
the street toward us. I look up at hi 
forgetting who I am. and stare at his 
good looks. A look of revulsion passes 
over his face. For а minute, he looks 
as il he will hit me. 1 quickly look 
down, staring at my fect as his shoes 
crunch past. 1 feel ashamed, queer, 
dirty, ridiculous. 1 huddle closer to 
my friend, who pats me on the back 
I want very much to be with him and 
his roommate and 1 want id hicnds 
to come back and we will stand to 
gether in a group on t 


corner and 


Twill then. no matter how that man 
looked at mc. not feel frightened. 
Soon four of us are standing against 


wall nearby, one leg up “hustler 
style" while the fifth takes « 
tures. A wor i 


ir pic 
white Mercedes 


ni 


drives up. slows and stops her c 
She stares directly 
lifts one gloved h: 


us. Slowly she 
mth 


nd to her 


and drives on. 
We finish the pictures and the three 
other nd 


n wave goodbye. My f 
and 1 drive down to the warehouse 
district, where the streets 
and darker. He hands me the men 
ship ca 
explains 
the man behind the | 
two dollars and walk 
there is to il. 

My friend wants to go in ahead of 
me. so that if Tam asked to leave. he 
will not be implicated. As he dis- 
ppears into the white painted club 
with the big С. H. printed on its 


€ wid 


er 


star and 
Twill shaw the card to 
ж. pay him 
пас all 


dc 


amons mov 


walls. lone om the street. 
маай ае, feeling freer and 
safer than I have ever felt in thi 


neighborhood. I notice also that my 
left. hand is shaking. And then 1 toss 
my head, tighten my cap and go in 

NORA GALLAGHER 


Past the bums on Market Street and 
the discount clothing stores and Fl 


Brothers Shoe Store, where the boys, 
fresh off the bus from Iowa, lean inst 
the wall (“Let me do you, mister. Suck? 


Five bucks." 
manent press Wok a home movie and 
smiled at a roller skater in nothing but 
bluenylon Jockey briefs and  glittered 
nipples. Chants: "Two, four, six. eight 
do you know if your wife is straight? 
А truck full of firemen in drag. The Gay 
Men's Chorus singing. “ГИ soon give 
you ten thousand more.” 

Placards: THE SAN FRANCISCO V.D. CLINIC 
15 PROUD OF THE GAY COMMUNITY. EVEN 
FEINSTEIN MASTURBATES—SHE'S REALLY A 
TRIBE: LESBIANS AND GAY 


A tourist couple in per 


GUY. THE Lost 
JEWS. | LOVE MY GAY DAD. OUR TIME HAS 
соме. And on the back of a қау dentist, 
1 AM А TOOTH FAIRY 

The Moats: Stud. The Stallion. The 
Trench. the bars that resemble Chi 
receiving a loyalty beyond 
mere social affection: the leather bars for 
the boys who dress in black and blue: 
the fern bars for the thin. Castro men. 
alternately called (by one another) clones 
and castroids. And the lighter-hearted 
disco bars that collectively make up the 
Gay Softball League 

The Society of Janus, with its signs, 
CONSENTING SIM ı5 OK, and one of its 
members wearing а dog collar. Beneath 
pink canes. the San Francisco Sex In- 
formation float floated by: A pink Cin 
derella and a pink prince blew kisses to 
the crowd. The “world’s oldest gay soft 
ball player, 61," trotted along, waving, 
until the entire mix of 
crowded into the park 
spreading chestnut trees. 

"We are people who have suffered 
more than anyone else in the history of 
the world." screamed Robin Tyler, an 
entertainer, "and when we destroyed. a 
little property, they called us violent 
We were violated in the Inquisition 
nine million of us were burned at the 
stake one million of us were mur- 
dered by the Nazis . . . we were violated 
by scientists, who called us sick, violated 
by religion, which called us sinful. vio 
lated by society, which alienated us Бу 
taking away our family and friends, We 
were violated. by the Government by 
denying us equal opportunity and equal 
rights and killing us for being homo 
sexual. Don't tell иу about violence!” 

And throughout the park. the people 
packed shoulder to shoulder screamed 
and cried and clapped hands and the ait 
them thickened into the same 
fever that had caught the crowd the 
night of the riot—a rebellious. threat- 
that grew out of outrage, 


nese tongs. 


genders was 
beneath the 


above 


ening anger 
out of humiliation, out of shame and, 
finally, out of power, faggot is beautiful. 

And then the rage dissipated, quick 


as a swallow, into music. 


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SHEROS SYSTEM (ог pon page 2%) 


“Не just lets the team personality come out, then 


he becomes part of it. He kind of joins along.’ 


” 


ame upside down. It threw my g 
off completely." That was the point. 
After eight months of such drills. the 
defensemen automatically took the body 
in a game. Whats more, it helped the 
forwards, too. After all. it’s bad enough 
if you don’t score in а game, but if you 
get shut out in practice. too. . 

Shero understands how much of the 
game is mental, how а sagging spirit сап 
contribute to poor clfort on the ice. So 
he uses the slogans. he rewards good cf- 
loris with optional practices. he never 
criticizes without first praising a player's 
strong points. And olten during а tense 
moment in а game, Shero will walk si 
lently up and down the bench, gently 
massaging the small of his players’ backs. 
Have you seen tha” Esposito marvels. 
“Honest to God, when he puts his hands 
on my back and he sort of rubs it a little. 
it gives me a feeling like 1 want to go 
through the wall for him. 

But he always insists that his players 
take responsibility for their play. And 
he often remains remote and unpredict- 
able, Mike McEwen remembers the only 
time last season that ne got up tne nerve 
to go and talk to bis coach. McEwen, 
exciting rushing defenseman who in the 
past had often been criticized for his 
oifensive- mindedness, sought advice from 
Shero on some techniques for rushing. 
the encounter sounds more like a 
zen master. 

He wats sitting there looking bored 
alls. “He said, `1 don't care 
t you do. Make sure you carry the 
puck all the way in and if you're gonna 
go in. stay there. Don't come racing out 
quick. Guysll cover for you. If they 
don't cover for it's thei 
right? Ds 


you. 


ing to him, but he didn't care. he'd said 
wanted to s And that's the 


it as far as rushing was con- 
ned. Its always been ‘What are you 
trying to be, another Bobby Orr? It’s not. 
gonna work. it’s no good for the team to 
have a defenseman going all over the 
place.” But with him. it was do what you 
want, fuck, don't bother me. 

t. McEwen can recall only two 
st year when he saw his coach 
emotion. “We were losing to 
peg five to two at the end of tw 
exhibition game.” McEwen 
nd we were brutal. We weren't 
ng out. So he comes into the 
room and you could tell he w 


ds of 


even pul 
Jockes 


and h 


says. "In. everything you 
Чо, there's feeling, there's emotion. 
when you're making love. you have an 
emotion. We have no emotion on that 
ice whatsoever.” He was. 
uing mad. So we went out there 
and bliızed them, scored four goals in 
the first eight minutes. We won ight to 
seven. Thars the only time T saw him 
mad. Except for the time in Philly when 
there was no beer on the bus alte 
game. He says, What do you mean no 
beer? and he gets up and walks to the 
back of the bus, "Where's the beer? ? 
beer? And then he just walked right 
ош. talked to some people and we 
stopped lor beer. He was pissed.” 
"When we got the big goals of the 
he had emotion." tamer Joey 
no argues, "His right arm goes up 
nd his right loot Kicks." 


різей 


іс 


өп 


. 
e like a duck. Keep 
wd unrullled on the surface, 
under- 
of 


neath.— 
Coach Sher 


Shero may keep his emotions in check, 
but his passion lor hockey is legendary. 
In Philly. he would often drive to the 
rink at three ам. to work on his system 
The classic story of Shero's ex- 
changing his theories on hockey with 
some visiting coaches, talking far into 
the ni their hotel room, on the 
carpeted Hoor on his hands and knees, 
g empty beer bottles to illustrate 
the system. He searches everywhere Гот 
inspiration and knowledge—even to pop 


psychologies such as José Silva's Mind 
Control. Method, ture of alpi 
wave technology, E: meditation and 


mood old American pr: In 
Shero's copy ol Silva's book, the follow- 
ing passage is underlined 


During meditation before. going 
to sleep. review а problem d 
cam be solved with information 
or advice. Be sure 
care about solving it: silly questions 
evoke silly s. Now pri 
yourself with these words: “I 
to have a dream that will cc 
information to solve the problem 
I have in mind. 1 will have such a 
dream, remember it and understand 


answer 


In the 
“Power play." 
Maybe he's on the bri 
ge 


margin, Shero had wri 


ten, 


k of being a 
g nuts, I don't know," 


geni 


says Ranger defenseman Ron Greschner- 
Of course, it was Shero himself who 
once noted that the difference between 
nity and insanity was an oyster jump. 
But he still walks the corridors, lost in 
his thoughts of perfecting the systei 


I remember getting up real early one 
morning in Detroit,” Hickey smiles 
the memory, "and | opened the cu 


nd Freddie was walk- 
ng around in the snow in the parking 
lot. wiggling through the curs. The 
was this big shopping mall across the 
‚зо 1 don't know if he was going to 
it, but he wasn't going as the crow flies. 
that’s for sure 


tains of my room 


"He doesn't seem to have any sct of 
valucs as far as directing the team.” Ме 
Ewen theorizes. “He just lets the team 
personality come out and then he be- 
comes part of it. He kind of joins ale 
ays says you қопа have fu 
of the Shero 
f one сап 


nher cornerstr 
“Life has to be fun. 
he says. Cur to the Ranger 


system 
find 
practicerink dressing room di 
Stanley Cup semifinal play-off se 
year, when all the pressure in the world 
ison the young athletes: shoulders. 

Water fight! Ht begins in the showers 
then spills out into the dressing area. 
Theres Nick Fotiu, the toughest guy 
n the league, chasing Don Murdoch and 
Greschner. all of them scampering 
through the locker rooms nude. While 
this is going on. someone is filling Fotits 
loalers with shaving cream. АП to the 
r-hattering sounds of Donna Summer 
ing out of the locker-room stereo 
system. Alter the chase scene is finished. 
the guys settle down. To practice their 
latest disco steps in a nude circle. 

On road trips, its sort of like Animal 
House with wings. If you dare fall asleep. 
on the plane. odds are you'll w 
with а laplul of coffee, a hand 
with shaving cream or a tie 
snipped in two. Murdoch once 
asleep with hi 
kid-leather boots propped up on the seat 
in front of him. When he woke 
everyone on the team had. thou у 
intographed them. ink. 
They now reide p his 
closet. But at least he’s got а souvenir. 


John Davidson once took his shoes oll 
to пар and wound up walking off the 
plane, through u inal and two 


blocks home in foot high snow, barefoot. 


. 

T think every man deserves а sec- 
ond chance. third chance, whatev 
it is.—Coach Shero 


Don Murdoch is а charming, cherubic 
year-old. His long, almost feminine 
eyelashes [rame his watery blue eyes and 
when he rolls into one of his patented 
rollicking laughs, you сап see why Espo- 
sito nicknamed him Chubby Cheeks 
Murdoch is typical of many of the young- 
er МН players who hail from wester 


257 


PLAYBOY 


258 


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places like Cranbrook, British 
nd Goodsoil, Saskatchewa. 
ne from the farms and the m 
towns and find themselves in places like 
New York or Chicago or Los Angeles be- 
fore their 20th birthday. And find them- 
selves instant heroes іп а world they 
were just still dreaming about 

1 came from а small town where you 
might get ten good-looking chicks out of 
the whole tows Murdoch recalls, “And 
remember—there’s 500.000. guys. going 
for them. I come to New York and I used 
to get sore necks from turning around 
looking at all these chicks. I used to walk 
the time 
ks were 
ve nothing 
any lines 
They'd come up, ask the questions, do 
all the ad it was. like, no 
problem taking a chick back home. It 
I used to say to myself 


wound with а semibon 
And all these nice-looking c 
1 didn't h 
to do, didn't have to work up 


coming up to me 


answeri, 


was too easy. 
This isn't right, me taking home a bean- 
tiful chick and 
It was too good to be true. 

But it was real. Murdoch was a rook- 
natural that 
attracted to 
“Yea 
жау. in 
me drinks, 
me to their house 
‘C'mon, wanna meet some 
ness 1 want 


iving her a quick shot 


іс sensation, so it wis 
the chic corps would be 
the one with the chubby che 


people were going out of the 


viting me to parties, buying 


wantin: come w 
lor di 
chick 
to meet chicks. Everything w 
10 mc on a silver platter.” 
Including the c. The 
after that hest year. Murdoch was "rou 
tinely” searched going home and the 
customs officials at 1 te 
tional Airport found 1.8 grams of co 
For the next 


m 20 years old, I 


s handed 


coc summer 


caine in a sock. ‚ав 


the court сазе dragged Murdoch 
lived public pu 
a drug freak by hostile 
hero by his home town. 

ly sat out the first 
ed by the 
time, 


nion th 


out, 


branded 


in а tory. 


ans, a fallen 


Murdoch eve 
f of last se: 
N-H.L. And during that there 
were the doubts, the n 
ybe they wouldn't take him back. 
Then he met hi 

"I knew thi 
after 


рге! 
m 


to be OK 
the first press conference when 
1 came back, 
"Freddie took 
get along f 
someone who was as good a bullshitter as 
he w He never said that he would 
see if 1 could fit into his system, he 
said, “Yeah, he'll play for And 
when I hear him saying that, 1 say 
mysel, Well. Je least the gu) 
got confidence in me 

But the ice is still bumpy for the 
right winger. Two years alter the bust, 
he's still tying to live down the image. 
For some, it's still “Don Murdoch, who 
was arrested for cocaine use, scored two 
goals tonight.” Murdoch winces at those 


gs were go 


Murdoch s 


ne aside and s: 


because he finally met 


us. 


pee rtt i 


77 


2 


“Obviously, someone screwed ир. 


259 


PLAYBOY 


260 hard and they deserve to be happy. Li 


stories. "Why don't they leave me alone? 
You go through your years and you do 
realize that you don't need all the р 
ties or the glamorous girls 24 hours a 
day. Those good times will always be 
there. You learn to pick your spots. 


. 

I know ГІ were 20 years old and 
just getting into pro hockey, I'd go 
for the bundle,—Coach Shero 


"This is for rLAvnoy?" UIF Nilsson 
the "D get a 
Чоп when 1 score a goal.” Nilsson 
one half of the dynamic duo known 
as The Swedes, who were courted from 
the World Hockey Association and 
signed with the Rangers for an incredi- 
ble sum of about $2,600,000 for two-y 

ct the i 
the one known [or 


lea 
1 


toward recorder. 


m 
nized 


contr Nilsson 
one, puckish 
humor and devilmay-care attitude. An 
ders Hedberg, the blond one, is more 
arnest. He could have been a sincere, 
stoic leadi n film. 

They're in Oren & Aretskys, а 
celebrity hangout in the 80s оп Third 
Avenue, lunching with their agent. 
Teammate Ron Greschner walks in. 
Hey, did you guys get paid toda 
reschner inquires, The Swedes look 
puzzled. “1 thought 1 saw two Brinks 
trucks parked out front.” 

Over soup, the Shero stories start to 
fly. “He was the coach of a team th 
Jake Milford managed," the 
Paul, One 


so he went to Shero and said, ‘Freddi 
you've got to do something about this 
guy's bloodshot eyes. They're d 
me crazy. Would you speak to him?” 7 
next day, the player showed up 
с with dark glasses on. Freddi 
said to him that he'd better start wi 
nglasses bec his eyes were 
Milford crazy. 
“You know, we have seven captains,” 
Nilsson says. “I’m the seventh, in charge 
of the foreigners. Freddie once said that. 
My goal is to get one 
dressing but I'm havi 
h the French guys.” 
“Freddie gives all the play: 
dence," Hedberg says, getting serious, 
nd that's the best motivation. There 
re never any negative things said in our 
dressing тоот about dy.” 
Another key 
bour Shero. in his life, 
hi reddie has grabbed ahold of 
ts to be. And he's still educat- 
ing himself, he doesn't feel he's com- 
plete, which always makes a strong man. 
metimes after а game, I'd look at him 
nd almost be a little bit sad. Are you 
happy. Fred? I'd wonder. But after get- 
ting to know him. or not know him, 
he rejoices. He doesn't pat himself on the 
back, he just goes away happy that the 
boys are happy and that they worked 


w 


"s con 


s to do those interviews after 
the game. it must be the most trying 
time of his life. Interviewing the coach 
of the team. He always says. "Ask them. 
They did it!" 
The TV reporter sticks his microphone 

Shere's face. About five reporters 
surround the coach in а dank exercise 
n the bowels of Nassau Coliseum, 


when he h; 


e Shero's Rangers have just upset 
the New York Islanders. leaving them 
one game away from eliminating the 
best team in hockey from the Stanley 
Cup play-offs. 

"Fred, people ilking about in 
spiration," says the TV man, squeezing 
the last word out. "That the Rangers are 
ed. Where does all this inspi 
come from?" 

"I'm sorry it doesn’t come from me,” 
о shoots back, his eyes half closed 
behind his glasses. “I hardly talk to 
them. I think they're inspired. becausc 
they're living in New York and they're 
ing a good um ve got а 
beautiful new rink and they're all living 
a the best areas. And they like cach 
other; I guess that's it” 
o you're saying that it filters down." 
The TV man is hearing what he wants 
10 hear. "How do you keep а team 
playing at the level of intensity that the 
Rangers are play 

Shero shrugs. 71 
knew, Fd tell you.” А pause. "No. I 
wouldn't tell you. Га bottle The 
coach chuckles to himsell. 

“Are you surprised?” The interviewer 
‘oping for words now. 

Yes, ] dont think any team 
played for so long so well in the pl 
ой. Even Montreal has its bad nights 

“Where is the bad night for the 
Rangersz 

Well, I hope when the series is over 
The words seem to spurt out of Shero's 
mouth. 

А buzz goes through the room. "Mont- 
real, against Monueab?" another re- 
porter asks, thinking ahead. 

“Хо,” Shero says patiently, “I mean 
they can have a bad night after the game. 
Some of them might not get anything.” 


ation 


е no idea. If I 


өш 


E 

In the pros, its different. Boys 
become men. This is life. А coach 
has to go out and let them taste 
it—the bitter and the sweet. Thats 
how they learn.—Coach Shero 


“The players don't know that Freddie's 
more intelligent than them," Rod 
Gilbert. “They feel sorry for him be- 
cuse he's so inside. They don't want 
to be like him. Its like your father. 
At some point, you ї he doesn't 
understand you, that he's so fucking 
dumb. He's dumb like a fox, ch? He 
doesn't want to compete with you, so 
he lets you go your own way il he's a 
good parent. Well, that’s what Shero 
does, he's a good р 


The Rangers are 17 seconds away from 
one of the biggest upsets in hockey 
tory. The mighty Islanders, possessors of 
the best record in the league, are about to 
be eliminated in this semifinal Stanley 
Cup series, four games to two. unless 
they cam miraculously score in the next 
few seconds and the game. The 
face-off is deep in the Rangers end and 
the puck is dropped. Both teams battle 
for it along the boards as the seconds 
tick off. With two seconds to go. the 
puck suddenly floats том 


season, makes one more brillis 
nd suddenly it’s over. Pand 
reigns—they'll play Montreal [or 
Stanley Cup, Everyone mobs goalie 
Davidson, Murdoch is leaping around 
like a kid and the traditional handshak 


ing ceremonies begin. 
A few minutes later, in the players? 
lounge. Espo Dav Malo- 
ney and. Murdoch are being interviewed 
lor TV. 
“Those last 17 seconds 
still seeming to be gulping Jor breath. 
Steve Vickers and 1 were on our hands 
nd knees, going, ‘Oh, God, please. 1 will 
never do another bad thing in my Hif 
Espo pats Murdoch on thc back 
they smile and say, in unison, “Wrong. 
A half hour later, Greschner, who 
scored the winning goal, walks into 
Charley Оз, а restaurant: where the 
Rangers regroup alter each game. He 
casts a wary eye over the room. “Not too 
many front runners here, ch?” Tonight, 
the scene is reminiscent of V-E Day. Hun- 
dreds of well-wishers have poured into 
the bar and, on the street, hundreds more 
nd with their noses pressed against the 
glass, looking like extras trom The Dawn 
of the Dead. Outside the Garden, thou- 
sands of fans have spilled onto Seventh 
Avenue, stopping traffic, cursing at the 
Islanders’ bus as it takes the losers for the 
; ride home. 


Ison, Dave 


ar doch says. 


ic is flowing as 
nother hits the room, 
nding cheers. After basking her 
will move on to some of their 
other favorite spots, Studio 54, Oren 
к Aretsky’s, and then a nightcap at 
Herlihy's. 


y. at practice, some 
has tacked up the New York Post's front 
page that fe picture of. some 
Rangers dancing at Studio 54 in celebr 
tion. Before they hit the ice, Shero arrives 

You guys went to Studio 51 last night, 


nc 


tures 


eh? How come nobody invited the 
hes?” he asks, then is gone 
ıt the Studio, It, would have 


been historic. Не could have brought 
along his own fog. And with the strains 
of Donna Summer filling the disco, at 
last we could have heard the sound of 
one hand clapping. 


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PLAYBOY 


262 


Sometimes you've got better things to 
think about than your breath. 


When you get really close to someone, bad 
breath can be a real problem. 

Unfortunately, most people either try to 
cover it up with mouthwash or brush it away. 
And that simply doesn't get to the root of the 
problem. 

You see, bad breath often is caused by 
food particles and bacteria lodged in the 
hard-to-reach spaces in your teeth and gums. 
Places where brushing alone can't 
get to. 

But the Water Pik" Oral Hygiene 
Appliance gets right in there 
with up to 1200 pulsating jets 
of water a minute. It cleans 
beneath the gum line and mas- 


sages gums, leaving vour mouth cleaner and 
fresher. That's why dentists recommend the 
Water Pik Appliance as ages xm s quem 
part of a complete pro- чы хуа - 
gram of oral hygiene. 
Foranice minty taste, 
add a few drops of 
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the breath freshener 
specifically 
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Feel as confident of your breath 
as you are of your feelings. 
Get the Water Pik Appliance, 
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BO WAYS „аы paer 200 


“In the Eighties, any athletic bicyclist will be able to 
pedal himself aloft and stay there for two hours.” 


additives such as food 
colorings and antioxidants to large- 
molecule inert polymers, so that add 
tives won't pass through the intestinal 
wall. They'll do their work of coloring 
and preserving without increasing the 
load of carcinogens we all carry. And 
be red M& M's will come back. 
VERYMAN-POWERED FLIGHT, AeroViron- 
ments Gossamer Condor won the Kr 
mer prize for man-powered flight in 
1977. In 1979, Bryan Allen pedaled an 
improved Gossamer Albatross of Mylar 
film and Kevlar fibers across the Eng- 
lish Channel in two hours, 49 minutes. 
Further improvements will reduce 
ght and wing drag until only .29 
keeps a Gossamer flying. Іп 
the Eighties, any athletic bicyclist who 
can afford one will be able to pedal him- 
self aloft and stay there for two hours. 
TOOTHLESS TRAD ISSION. Ап 
bile transmission without gears cuts 
friction and saves fuel up to 20 per 
cent. some researchers think. 
y. lt uses rollers and needs a spe 
n fluid, lul 
3 but also keeps them fre 


small-molecul 


utomo- 


I's on its 
1 


icates 


one t 


B. Monsanto has developed the 
unlikely fluid. It tus 
der pressure—between 
example. 
hicles, twe 

z rans. The body produces a ch 
called the sleep factor, t0 induce sleep. 
It has been isolated and is under study. 
In the Eighties, it will become available 
for medical use, and thats а wrap for 
insomnia. 

мех HERE, Your signature will be vir- 
tually sale from forgery with а new m 
chine recently invented by scientists at 


to a solid un- 
c rollers, for 
industr 


as di 


ye 


IBM. The system, likely to со into 
comm use in the Eighties, involves ac- 
celerometers—devices that measure accel- 


eration—and a pressure sensor built into 
ignaturez 


and direction relerence pattern 
you've left on file. The muscular move- 
ments that produce your writing style are 
tomatic and are extremely difficult to 
forge. Until voice-pattern. recognitic 
probably in the carly Nineties, Ше ІВМ 
i to be the standard 
person: ion system for banks 
and for access to computers and records, 
SOLAR SOLUTION, A limit to the possible 
self-sufficiency of rooftop solar-cell elec 
u eration has been the problem 
of where to store the electricity that 
needed, зо that it сап be used at 


or during cloudy weather, when it 
Texas Instruments is worki the 
problem the laboratory. Sunlight 
causes silicon beads in its new, low-cost 
solar cells to decompose a fluid electro: 
lyte into hydrogen and iodide. The hy 
drogen is stored and burned on demand 
in a fuel cell that. produces electricity 
The Department of Enerpy has assigned 
Texas Instruments a four-year develop- 
ment agreement: the system should be. 
a the late 


on 


ilable commercially 


me a wireless, all- 
be built anywhere 


at which ti 
could 


able TV. linked n 
tionwide today by communication satel- 
lites. is poised to spawn any number of 
special-interest. networks in the Eight 
Already broadcasting to 4.000.000 
s—as of September the 
nment and Sports Programing 
Network, which beams the equivalent of 
Wide World of Sports to subscribers day 
and night, seven days a week. Due in 
1980 from Ted Turners Turner Com 
munications in Atlanta is a 24-hour Ca 


ble News Network, with news updates 
interspersed with humaninterest fea- 
tures and with a two-hour program of 
evening news. An old folks’ network is 
comin nd there'll be more as cable 
subscribers increase. 

SYNTHETIC FUEL. We'll have it in the 
Eighties whether it's a good idea or not: 
gas and gasoline from coal. The Germans 
developed the process im World War 
‘Two. It involves cooking up coal with 
steam, the steam adding hydrogen. The 
resulting goo can be r 
oil, and synthetic gas is a by-product. Fill 
up and pretend. you're Rommel. The 
catch: Syntheticgasoline exhaust smells 


hé case of the 
Eighties will carry more than lunch: 
clock. calculator and telephone will also 
be inside, built in and run by a single 
microprocessor ch 
в, noozr. Two physici 
versity of Califo 
of Med posed fortifyin 
lcoholic beverages with thi 
tamin Bas а practic 
saving m 
Alcoholics w 
often contract rvous-syste 
called the Wernicke-Korsakoff synd 
that leads ultimately to chronic psycho- 
nd institutionalization. Wernicke- 
Кой costs American society some 
570.000,000 а year. Enough thiamine to 
fortily all U.S. alcoholic beverages 


nine—vi- 


and money 


пе 
nine 
disorder 


asure of preventive med 


h diets short on th 


ic 


"Asa lawyer, Miss Kimball, I feel we were meant to obey 
the spirit of the injunction against adultery, not follow 
it blindly to the letter.” 


263 


PLAYBOY 


жа U.S. hiphws 


would соя по more than about 
$17,000.000. Maybe in the Eighties. 
There's talk, too, of a warning label on 


booze bottles like the one on cigarettes, 

ing FDA approval. 
hues: a technology 
for packa drugs in magnetic micro: 
Injected into the blood stre 

weatment 
a tumor, an absces—by applying 
met to the body surface over the 
The drug matrix dissolves and de 
id so more 
€ body were 


site. 
livers the dose only locally. 


potently t the ent 
pervaded. 
nowe noi 


hologr 


GRAPI. 
phy—l 


Whitelight inte- 
er photography— 
phic 


gral 


One en. 
terprising New York photographe 
offers holographic portraits: they come 


ol Princess Leia in Star Wars 


r now 


ay film cylinders that you look thre 


subject 


s you 


af the 
in $D, y 

Expect the technique 10 become ava 
able nationwide in the ties. Gr 


for weddings and bar milz 

rar ATTACK. A pathology professor at 

Harvard Medical School has proposed 

that not cholesterol but а product of 

the body's prot homo- 
е. 

of the 


кез 


" arte 
ob dea by stroke and. he 
the United Si i 
evide: i 


he is—then 


ce is 
s a simple preventive 
min B, taken daily in a 
dose. bts presence is requ 


change the deadly homocyste 
other harmless compound. Research will 
proceed ly settle the ques 
Шу in the Eighties. In the n 
of us ave adding By to our daily pile 
ol pills. 

READ TO м 
facturers are a 
ing a scanner that can read printed text, 
with the U. S. Postal Service as а clamor 
ing customer. In the Eighties, they will 
pbine the sca h a sophisticated 
version of Texas Instruments’ solid-state 
voice-simulation system to produce scan- 
ners that read aloud, 

pikecr mat. The United Nations is 
devising a 17-digit universal telephone 
numbering system, to be installed world- 
wide in the Eighties, that will make it 
possible to direct-dial almost anywhere 
on earth. The UN expects phones to in- 
crease to about one billion by the end of 
the decade, Nearly all of those one bil- 
lion phones will be interconnected. 
By 1983, the Federal 

istration will have com- 
nning necessary to chang 
y signs to show speed limits 


Compute 


nd distances in. metric only. Brush up 
on your kilometers; you may need them. 

колен € Altar 30 years of ге 
search, scientists have finally synthesized 
the female Amei 
citant, It drives male roaches ci 
mount anything in sight. 
other, In the next decade, 
will be used to reduce roa 
эп by sowing contusion 
nting m 
MEMORY More than 12 drugs are 
presently known that improve alertness 
and memory, some of them dramatically. 
heyre hung up on medical-research 
polities and FDA licensing, but one or 
more of them may pass go in the Eight- 
ies. Theyll have dramatic effects on 
over-50 memory decline and on senility. 
J you can just remember то take the 
damn things? 

HOME BURIAL. Expect to see increasing 
numbers of underground homes in the 
Eighties as soaring [uel costs с " 
innovation. A lew leet underground. the 
temperature ік the same Irom season 
10 season—in the U.S., between about 
55 and 65 degrees Fahrenheit. Under- 
ground homes are dug into hillsides or 
sunk in flat ground with dirt mounded 
over them. Properly designed, they're 
not damp. With interior courtyards and 
skylights. they're as bright ау surlüce 
houses, and they save Irom 10 to 80 per- 
cent of energy costs. 
reve. Mes 
ive) for the common 
иу 
Пу produced in your 


ch sex ex 
y. They 
including cach 
ihe hormon 
h popula- 
ad so pre 


n cockro 


әнім rar 
(really a preven 
Its calle 


substance 


cold. interleron, and 


natu 


body. ‘The catch is that it’s expensive to 
produce, Every cold prevention. would 
Interleron. 
uses. It com 
d with 
ag tested 
nd chronic seru 
hepatitis. Workers are trying to synthe 
size it w bring the сом down. They'll 
succeed, probably 
one by one, the viruses will хау goodbye 
AUTO-MATION. Speeded by gas shortages 
and EPA poliution-control 
the computer-controlled. autom is 
coming up fast. By the mid-Eighties, 
microcomputers will control your са 
ignition and luelinjection systems, will 
shilt gears, balance cornering, gove 
speed. monitor security, adjust heating 
and air conditioning and gauge systems 
and performance. Your instrument panel 
will be digitized, reading out numbers 
and alerting you to problems, Your 
car will be smaller and fractionally light- 
er than the X cars of 1979: by the mid- 
Eighties, the body may be plastic—and, 
so will the frame. Air bags or auto- 
estraints will protect. you in col- 
spare: It's going. 
nd tire iron with it 
ur tires will drive Il: 


cost you thousands of dollars. 


has other, more import 
bats second 
peer un 
virus-induced cancers 


E be 


on 


10 save 


All in 


weight. Y 


between fill-ups. 
Color-film 


FAST 


ким. speed—the 
che sensitivity of the film to lig 
has been doubling ev s. Ko 
dak introduced 100 
the Seventies: in the Ей 
expect color film of at least 800 AS 
making the flashbulb a thing of the past. 
‘The film industry also expects to develop 
а universal film that will simultaneously 
produce transparencies and prints. 

MERRY OLD SOL, Solar power will come 
of age in the Eighties in ity most impor 
nt immediate application: space heat- 
ing of cc buildings and homes 
Far more valu п such exotici as 
giant mirror-boiler. electrical generation 
systems or solar satellites in space, active 
1 passive home solar-heating, systems 
ready make long-term economic good 
sense. Their advantage will improve as 
fuel costs go up. Recently. San Diego 
County passed an ordinance requiring 

И new residential buildings to be sup 
plied with solar hot-water heating alter 
October 1980. The trend will spread. 

rw Quab. The Federal Communica- 
tions Commission is taking another look 
at broadcast quadraphonic FM, heralded 
in the Seventies but never actually in- 
led in the U.S. The technology 
ille то maltipley [our signals i 
I of the two required for 
with a drama n in fidelity. But the 
FCC to digest technical 
studies belore it can decide on 
ing. Look fo 
surrot 

wars мик. Nonretr 
ready on the shelf in Europe, is cc 
to Ameri Eighties. An ulir 
temperature process keeps it weet: 
1 the carton. you can store it in 
cabinet with the corn flakes lor weeks, 
ich means you don't have to run to 
the supermarket every three or four day 

SHOCK CAR. General Motors, no less, is 
working on an electric commuter vehicle 
that would carry two passengers back 
nd forth to work at reasonable cost өп 
tery charge per 100 miles. G.M.'s 
lone—a few such cars have already 
gone on sale, but they use standard lead- 
id batteries that don't meet GM's 
standards of mileage per charge and long 
battery Ме. With its battery design. 
G.M. says electric aer vehicles 
could roll sometime late in ihe Eightie 

SOFT TRANS. Beta blockers are a dass of 
experimental drugs that. prevent adren- 
ne from working on cells to produce 
i ters of 
stage fright and stress. In 
ment, lor example, siring p 
shaky hands have been st 
they work directly on all h 


can 


ч 


меге 


has 


ssive 


licens 


ТЕУ 


the 


you opi 
u 


con 


nervou 


ness, 
пе exp 
ers with 


lied. Because 
dy cells, beta 


SS Ұш, Л БУ? y 
( oN | 


"I think I heard somebody say there's two new flavors of Schnapps” 


Schnapps 


both only from сАллош 


ARROW" SPEARMINT & CINNAMON SCHNAPPS. 60 PROOF © 1979, ARROW LIQUORS CO., ALLEN PARK, MICHIGAN. 


New 
Spearmint and Cinnamon 


PLAYBOY 


266 


blockers don’t dull the brain. but they 
do have a variety of side effects and need 
more study. The road to FDA approval 
is long. Look for soft tanks late in the 
next decade. Great for exams. 

NEWS LINE. Millions of Americans don't 
see that extra channel of news. weather 
and advertising that cable systems pro- 
vide. There's a remedy, a system that 
uses the vertical blank. lines among the 
595 lines of sean that make up cach 
flashed frame of a TV picture. It already 
subtiles for the deaf over PBS. 
It requires h will prob- 
ably be built into standard sets once the 
с—Ьу 1985. 

The microprocessor 
ich even the lowly foot 
rming him 
lor warfare on a scale the front-line 
troops have never known before. One 
system already in production will arm д 
forward observer with a laser designator 
10 accurately target enemy arms and 
armored vehicles. The system supplies 
culation to pin- 
point the enemy and digital launching 
of smart m 
on the ground. The system has a very 
high kill rate in tests. 

SYNTHETIG моор. The Green Cros 
Corporation of Osaka, Japan, has devel 
oped synthetic blood. It's made of starch, 
eggyolk product and perfuorothemi- 
cals. It carries more oxygen than good red 


decoder, whi 


horizes 


5 


GRUNT 
revolutia 
soldier in the next ten years, 


GADGETS, 
will r 


issiles or shells to destroy him 


blood: rats survived replacement of 90 
percent of their blood with the synthetic 
mixture and regenerated the lost blood 
within two weeks. Unlike real blood, the 
synthetic stuff is shelf stable for а yea 
Expect it in the Eighties if it passes FDA 
licensing. 

PAIN CONTROL. The Chinese have pio 
resed in understanding acupuncture 
scientifically; we've progressed in testing 
naturally occurring painkillers. One or 
hoth approaches will give medicine new 
and ettective methods of conirolling | 
in the decade to come. Chinese doctors 
are repkicing mechanical needle twirling 
with applications of low-voltage electric 
ity. and they've identified drugs that 
enhance acupuncture’s reliel. In the U. S., 
research progresses on the endorphins 
and the enkephalins, natural substances 
in the human pituitary and brain that 
block pain much as morphine does. 
Trouble is, they're addictive. too. If they 
turn out to be less addictive, or if ana- 
logs can be synthesized that aren't addic- 
tive, they'll replace the opia 


SOLAR COLDINC. 


air conditi 
Lennox in 
developed 
with other 
fluid turb; 
presor to deliver 36.000 B.T.U. per hou 
POCKET TRANSLATOR. Texas Instrumen 
inuoduced a talking translator for inter- 
national travelers. late іп 19/9. You 


the system іш conjunc 
«search labs: A so 
drive a conventional coi 


punch in your native tongue: the ur 
lator speaks the French, С 5 
equivalent. With the development of 
computers that understand speech, at the 
end of the decade, you should be able to 
buy a shoulder-bag device that t 
back and forth, hearing you in 
and speaking to your listenc 
ever language he understands. 
vxciurckrb. In the Eighties, you 
will no longer renun your canceled 
checks. Instead, you'll receive a computer 
printout showing the checks im minia- 
ture. complete with a facsimile of your 
signature to verily that you wrote cach 
check in the first place. Burroughs is 
developing the system for banks; Amoco 
has already bought a similar system for 
those millions of servicestation ch; 
slips and will be deploy nationwide 
as the Eighties begi 
PROSTA 


in what 


s that the body manufactures 
in bewildering variety то direct many of 
its fumetions; they're called. prosta 
ns because they were first thought to 
iginate in the prostate glands. In the 
Eighties, they will соп h blood 
pressure: protect the stomach from bleed. 
ing and prevent ulcers; dissolve blood 
dots and. therefore improve the chances 
of survival of heartattack and suoke vic 
tims: possibly, prevent heart attacks; in- 
duce therapeutic abortion and labor; and 


rol 


“If you haven't tried it, don't knock it.” 


replace the pill with a single capsule— 
already in use in hospitals in the U. S 
to be taken two or three weeks after а 
missed period, that induces menstruation 
and therefore averts pregnancy. These 
benefits from prostaglandin analogs are 
ikely or certain, More are under study 
from the 1000 or so analog variations that 
have so far been synthesized. 

HEATED EXCHANGE. Home heat excl 
ers that extract heat fron 
clothes dryers and furnace and hot-water- 
heater nd use the heat to 
warm your living quarters, could cut 
nergy bills by 40 percent in buildings 
heated electrically and by 80 percent in 
buildings heated with natural gas. A 
British agency is developing designs; ex- 
ресі commercial units to be on sale in the 
U. S. in the Eighties. 

TEENY 1v. Large: 


exhaust: 


ale integrated-circuit 
computer chips will make possible shirt- 
pocket television sets. with nickelsize 
screens. By the end of the decade, Cheste 
оик two-way wrist TV should be a 
reality. With mass production, the TVs 
should be essentially throwaways, costing 
Jess than $20 per unit. Remember, you 
saw it first in Dick Tracy. 

CLAP CURES. The several varieties of 
herpes simplex afflict 3,000,000 of us a 
year—cold sores for some, venereal 
fections for others, blindness for the 
unlucky. A compound patented іп 1977, 
AIU, permanently blocks the reproduc 
ion of herpessimplex viruses. It has to 
the FDA. Maybe in the Eighties 
of FDA approval before 
: a reliable vaccine against gonor- 
. Pass it on 

STEREO AM. nt sterco almost two 
decades ago, but AM continues to lag 
d, with few exceptions, is still 
Now the FCC is studving five 
stereo AM radio systems currently со 
peting for licensing and expects to make 
up its mind in the Eighties. Why stereo 
AM? Greater range for high-fidelity pro- 
graming than line-of-sight FM, beue 
quality car radio, more choices on more 
stations. 

CELLUL сиз. Wood, straw and 
coton waste are all made of cellulose, 
which is a long chain of glucose—sugar— 
molecules. People can’t eat it, but yeasts 
and bacteria can when it's properly 
treated. And 1000 pounds of yeast grow- 
ing on treated cellulose сап produce 


monaura 


24 


growing on sawdust ог straw ог old 
newspapers, and that's one of the an- 
swers forthcoming in the Eighties to 
increasing the world’s protein supply 
nd holding down the prices you pay for 
beef and pork. 

SELE x. Medicine already 
learned to determine the sex of unborn 
fetuses; in the Eighties, it's expected to 
learn to select sperm for artificial in- 


has 


semination separated bı boy sperm, 
girl sperm. One promising technique re- 
quires unsorted sperm to swim upward 
through a column of nourishing fluid- 
the more vigorous female sperm swim 
faster, cfectively sorting themselves. So- 
l critics fear that practical sex selection 
would result in a preponderance of cou- 
ples choosing boys rather than girls for 
ollspring, tragedy in the making when 


the mobs of boys grow up. 
WHOSE 


FAULT! Chances of a major 
along the Andreas 
past Los Angeles and. Monterey 
and out to sca at San Francisco—increase 
every year. The Eighties will be riskier 
than the Seventies. Unfortunately, reli- 


before 
death: 
hits: 
to 


the сапу es. Estimated. 
mong Californians if a big quake 
60,000 or more. Still want to move 
alilornia? 

SOLAR BALLOONING. No more hissing 
propane and limited two-hour flights: 
Silent, all-day ballooning is here. F 
ick Eshoo of Iran developed the solar 
balloon and flew it successfully in the 
United States early in 1978, It's half trans- 
parent lens, half black-and-silver collector 
(black inside, silver outside). А curtain. 
inside adjusts the collector area. Small 
battery-powered [ans on the outside walls 
rotate the balloon. When more collector 
arca is exposed to sunlight, the balloon 
rises; less area and it maintains altitude 
or sinks. Eshoo packs a small propane 
burner for emergency lift, but he sails 
hour after hour im sunlit silence. In the 
so will you 
MEAT. Twenty-five years alter it 
. the U.S. Army Research 
nd Development Command thinks it's 
close to proving the safety of irradiated 
neats- dosed with high-energy 
‘adiation that be stored. without 
refrigeration for long periods of time 
because the radiation kills all microor- 
ganisms that might decompose the 
adiated m ren't much yet for 
s working on that problem. 
If the FDA approves, irradiated bacon, 
sausage, ham, precooked chicken and tui 
key, corned beef and other meat products 
will appear on supermarket shelves 
the mid-Eighties, They'll be safe and 
storable, and they'll по longer be dosed 
with sodium nitrite. Sodium nitrite, pres- 
ently used to prevent botulism, can 
transform itself in cooking into a potent 
carcinogen. It has an older name: It used 
to be called saltpeter. 

PLASTIC GASKET. Will you spend cter- 
nity in a plastic соп? They're presently 
coming into use, the first ones manu- 
actured by Atlas Gasket Company of 
sheet acrylic апа fiberglass-reinforced 
resin. They're double-walled and made 
without seams. In the Eighties, they'll 
displace metal on the low end of the 
undertaker's casket linc. 


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amateur radio gear — things you've 
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267 


768 


THE THIRD ШЕМЕ кеге» кес ran, 


“Being on time—as our children perhaps sense—no 
longer means what it used to mean.” 


labels and reconceptua temporal 
phenomena. It begins to replace the 
clock as the most important timekeeping 
or pacesetting device in society. 

Computer operations occur so rapidly 
at we routinely process data in what 
med subliminal time—inter 
r too short for the human senses to 
detect or for human meural response 
times to match. We now have computer- 
operated. microprinters capable of turn- 
ig out 10,000—20,000 lines per minute— 


more than 200 times faster than anyone 
can read them, and this is still the slow- 
езі part of computer systems. In 20 years, 
computer scientists have gone from speak- 
ing in terms of milliseconds (thousandths 
of a second) to nanoseconds (billionths 
of a second)—a compression of time 
almost beyond our powers to imagine. It 
is as though а person's entire working 
life of, say, 80000 paid hours—2000 
hours per year for 40 years—could be 
to 4.8 minutes. 


crunched 


“1 gave her the most nonsexist years of my life.” 


Beyond the computer, we find other 
technologies or products that also move 
in the direction of demassiving time. 
Mood-influencing drugs (not to speak of 
а) alter the perception of time 
us. As far more sophisticated 
mood drugs appear, it is likely that, for 
good or lor ill, even our interior sense 
ol time, our experience of duration, will 
become further individualized and less 
universally shared. 

During Second Wave civilization, 
machines жеге clumsily synchronized 
with one another, and people on the 
ssembly line were them synchronized 
with the machines, with all the many 
social consequences that flowed from this 
fact. Today, machine synchronization has 
hed such exquisitely high levels, and 
e of even the fastest human work- 
crs is so ridiculously slow in comparison, 
that full advantage of the technology 
can be derived not by coupling workers 
10 the machine but only by decoupling 
them from it 

Put differently, during Second Wave 
civilization, machine synchronization 
kled the human to the machine's 
capabilities and imprisoned all of so- 
cial life in a common frame. It did so in 
capitalist and socialist industrial societies 
alike. Now, as machine synchronization 
: precise, humans, instead ol 
опей, are being freed 
psychological consequence: 


being imp 
One of th 
of this is a change in the very meaning 


lives. We are 


of punctuality ın o 
moving now from an across-the-board 
punctuality to selective or situational 
punctuality. Being on time—as our chil- 
dren perhaps dimly sense—no longer 
means what it used to mean. 

Punctuality was not terribly important 
during First Wave civilization—basical- 
ly because agricultural work was not 
highly interdependent. With the coming 
of the Second Wave. one worker's latc- 
ness or absence could immediately and 
dramatically disrupt the work of many 
others in factory or office. Hence the 


enormous cultural pressure to assure 
punctuality. 
Today, because the Third Wave 


brings with it personalized, instead. of 
universal or massified, schedules, the con- 
sequences of being late arc less clear. To 
be late may inconvenience a friend or a 
co-worker, but its disruptive effects on 
production, while still potential 
in certain jobs, are less and less obvious. 
m der—especially for young 
people—to tell when punctuality is r 
ly important and when it is dem 
out of mere force of habit, courtesy or 
ritual. Punctuality remains vital in some 
situations, but, as the computer spreads 
and people are permitied to plug into 
d out of round-the-clock cycles at will, 
the number of workers whose effective 


severe 


nded 


ness depends on it dec 


The result is less pressure to be 


ses. 


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PLAYBOY 


time’ 


d the spread of more casual atti- 
tudes toward mong the young. 
becomes situ- 


time 


short, as the Third W. 
challenging the old industrial way of 
doing things, it changes the relationship 
of the entire civilization to time. The old 
mechan n that de- 
stroyed so much of the spontancity and 
јоу of lile and virtually symbolized the 
Second Wave is on its way out. The young 
people who reject the nine-to-five regi- 


е moves іп, 


ical synchroniza 


ndilerent to. classical 
may not understand why 
s they do. But time itself 
in the "real world" and, 
aged the 
тик POST-STANDARDIZED MIND 
The Third Wave does more than alter 


erns of synchroniza- 
Чоп. It also attacks another basic tea- 
ture of industrial life: standardization 
‘The hidden code of Second Wave so- 
ciety encouraged a steam-roller standard- 
iration of many things—lrom values, 
weights, distances, sizes, time and с 
rendies to products and prices. Second 
Wave businessmen worked hard to make 
every widget identical, and some still do. 
But ем. businessmen. by 
contrast, know how to rome 5 op- 
posed to standardize) at least cost, and 
find ingenious ways of 
cst technology to the 
ol products and services. Pai 
they frequently we carefully standard- 
ied components but fit them together in 
highly customized configurations. More 
and more, we lind ourselves. therefore, 
moving to post-srandardized production. 
and farming out to the hitherto pre- 
industrial countries the manufacture of 
ч 


Second. Wave p 


adoxically, 


As we do so. we simultaneously begin 
to shift away from social and cconom| 
standardization. In employment. the 
number of workers doing identical work 


ws smaller 
ty of occupations increases. Wages а 


fringe benefits be are fr 
worker to worker. Workers themselves 
become more different from one another 


and, since they (and wc) are abo con- 
the differences immediately 
into the market place. 
the shitt 
ss production is accompa- 
keting. 
sumption. 
iety of goods and serv- 
customized, partially 
customizable — 
distributors 


сі», 
nsla 
For t 


t reason. way Irom 


icd by a demassification ol n 


tradition: 


of merchandis: ol coi 
The dazzling va 
es agly 
ed or, 


marketers 


custom least, 


means th 


nd 


mers. га 
This acco 


her than for 


a product fulfills 
psychologica 
ol the way 
u n of 
Those conligurat 
s are the lifestyles they help 
c. Consumption. like production. 
becomes configurational. Post-sti 
ized production brings with it 
standardized const 
Even prices, мі 
along with goods du 
ond Wave period, begi 
ardized. since custom products. require 


requi 
transient, 
de 


ndard- 
post 


ich were standardized 


g the carly See 
10 be less stand- 


custom pricing. The price tag for an 
automobile depends on the package of 
options selected: the price of a hi-fi set 


similarly depends on the units that are 
plugged together and on how much work 
the buyer wishes to do: the prices of a 
азай. offshore oil rigs, ships, computers 
and other high-technology items vary 
from one unit to the next. 

In domestic politis, we see simila 
trends, Our views are increasingly d 
versified. Consensus breaks down in n: 
tion after nation. and thousands of new 
“issue groups" spring up, each fighting 
for its own narrow. often temporary. set 
of goals. Regional and local differences, 


characteristic of First Wave societies, 
were obliterated by the Second. Wave 
stcam roller. New ones now spring to the 


fore. sparking a drive for autonomy and 
cultural diversity—all part of the Third 
Wave push to a poststandardized society. 
At yet another level. we also see the 
mass mind as the new 
tions media come into play. 
The demassification of the mass medi 
the rise of minimagazines, newsletters 
па small-scale. often. Neroxed. commu- 
nications. along with the coming of 
ble, cassette and computer—shatters the 
standardized image of the world prop: 
gated by Second Wave communications 
technologies and pumps а diversity ol 
i as. symbols and values into 
society. Not only are we using customized 
products; we ате using diverse symbols to 
customize our own view of the world. 
Thus, art News summarizes the views 
of Dieter Honisch, director of West Ber- 
lin’s National Gallery: “Wh 
mired in Cologne п 
ich and 
hot impress the H g public 
al interests, the country is los- 
ing its sense of national culture. 
Nothing underlines this process of 
cultu ndardization more crisply 
than а recent article in Christianity 
Today, а leading voice of conservative 
Protestantism im America. The edite 
“Many Christians seem confused 
vailability of so many different 
the Bible. Older Chris 
many choices. 
ine. “Christian 


by sectio 


desta 


writes, 
by the 
translations of 
' 


s did not face so 


Then cc 


es the punch 


ds that no version 
эфа.” ven within 
Biblical transla. 


ity Today recon 


should be the ‘st 


the narrow bounds of 


tion, as in religion generally. the notion 
Our re 
re becom 


of а single standard is passin 
ligious views, like oi 
ng less uniform and less stand 
The net effect ту us away from 
the Huxleian or 
faceless, deindivid, 
that а simple extension of Second Wave 
tendencies would suggest and, instead, 
toward а profusion of lifestyles and m 
highly dualized persona 
re watching the rise of a poststandard- 
ized mind post-standardized public 
This will bri social. psyc 
logical and philosophical problems. х 
of which we are already feeling in the 
loneliness and social isolation around us. 
but these are dramatically different trom 
the problems of conformity th 
cised us during the industrial age. 
re moving away from the mass sodety, 
from mass marketing, mass merchandis- 
ing, mass consumption and mass com 
munications, and anyone who still thinks 
of massification as the wave of the future 
is peering through a rearview mirror 
Because the Third Wave is not domi- 
even in the most technically 
ed nations, we still feel the tug of 
powerful Second Wave currents. Wi 
still completing some of the unfinished 


tastes, 


rdized. 


business of the Second Wave. For ex- 
mple, hardcover book publishing in the 
U. S.. long a backward industry. is only 


now reaching the stage of mass merchan- 
dising that paperback publishing and 
most other consumer industries attained 
more than a generation ago. Other Sec- 
ond Wave movements seem almost quis- 
otic, such as the one that urges us at this 
age to adopt the metric system in 
S. то bring America 

ments into conformity with those used 


others derive from 
- building. such as 

ommon Market tech 
ats in Brussels to “harmonize” every- 
mo mirrors to college 
harmonization” being the 


vertheless, all these attempts to 
ve uniformity essentially, the 
guard actions ot a spent civilization. 


The thrust of Third Wave dh 
toward increased diversity. not 
the further standardization of life 
that is just as true of ideas, political con 
victions. sexual. proclivities 

methods. ea 


And 


educational 
ting habits, religi 
al taste, fash 
ly forms as it is of 


us views. 


ons 


utomated 


А historic turning point 1 
ached her ol 
the ground rules of Second Wave civiliza 
tion. is being replaced. 


‘dization, 


THE NEW MATRIX 


The Third W 
in yet another w 


e subverts the old rules 
as the intensilying 


“Frankly, I don't think that whether I've been а good little girl ora 
bad little girl is relevant. Let's just say I’ve been a highly articulate, 
thoroughly motivated, totally self-actualized human being." 


771 


PLAYBOY 


272 


battle against centralization suggests. 

While all societies need some measure 
of both centralization and decentraliza- 
tion, Second Wave civilization was heav- 
ily biased toward the former and against 
the latter. The great standardizers who 
helped build industrialism marched 
hand in hand with the great centralizers, 
from Hamilton and Lenin to Roosevelt. 

Today a sharp swing has begun to 
carry us in the opposite direction. New 
political parties, new management tech. 
niques and new philosophies are spring- 
ing up that explicitly attack the centralist 
premises of the Second Wave. Decen- 
tralization has become a hot political 
issue from California to Kiev. 

In Sweden, а coalition of largely de- 
centralist small parties drove the central- 
ist Social Democrats from power after 44 
years in office. Violent struggles over de- 
centralization and regionalism have shak- 
en France in recent years, while across the 
Channel and to the north, the Scottish 
Nationalists now include a wing com- 
mitted to “radical economic decentral; 
tion.” Similar political movements can be 
identified elsewhere in Western Europe. 

In the U.S, too, decentralism has 
gained wide support. It is decentralism 
that supplies at least some of the fuel for 
the tax revolt that is, for good or for ill, 
flaming across the country. At the local 
level, decentralism has a growing con- 
stituency, with local politicos calling for 
“neighborhood power.” 

In schools of architecture and plan- 
ning, meanwhile, from Berkeley and 
Yale in the U.S. to the Architectural 
Association in London, students are im- 
mersing themselves in decentralist phi- 
losophies. They are, among other things, 
exploring new technologies for environ- 
mental control. solar heating or urban 
agriculture that, taken together, might 
help make communities partially self- 
sufficient—and, hence, decentralize the 
economy, the social system and the polit- 
ical structure. The impact of these young 
planners and architects will be increas- 
ingly felt in the years to come as they 
move into responsible positions. 

It is apparent that something is hap- 
pening to our Second Wave assump 
tions—and not just in politics. The term 
decentralization has also become a buzz 
word in management, and large com 
panies arc racing to break their de- 
parunents down into smaller, more 
autonomous "profit centers." A typical 
case in the U.S, was the reorganization 
of Esmark, Inc, a huge company with 
operation: the food, chemical, oil and 
insurance industries. 

“In the past," declared Esmark's chair- 
man, Robert Reneker, "we had an un- 
wieldy business. .. . The only way we 
could develop a coordinated effort was 
to divide it into bite-size bits.” The re- 
sult: an Esmark cut into 1000 profit 


centers, each one largely responsible for 


own operation. 
The net effect,” said Business 
Week, "is to lift the routine deci 


making from Reneker's shoulders. De- 
centralization is evident everywhere but 
in Esmark’s financial controls.” 

What is important is not Esmark— 
which has probably reorganized itself 
more than once since then—but the gen- 
eral tendency it illustrates. Hundreds, 
perhaps thousands. of companies are 
also in the process of continual reor- 
ganization, decentralizing, sometimes 
overshooting and swinging back, but 
gradually, over time, reducing centralized 
control over their day-to-day operations. 

At an even deeper level, large organi- 
zations are changing the authority pat- 
terns that underpinned centralism. The 
typical Second Wave firm or government 
agency was organized around the princi- 
ple of “опе man, one boss.” While an 
employee or an executive might have 
many subordinates, he or she would 
never report to more than a single supe- 
rior. This principle meant that the chan- 
nels of command all went to the center. 

Today it is fascinating to watch that 
system crack under its own weight in the 
advanced industries, in the services, the 
professions and many government agen- 
cies. The fact is, growing multitudes of 
us have morc than a single boss. 

In Future Shock, 1 pointed out that 
big orga: ns were increasingly hon- 
cycombed by temporary units such as 
task forces, interdepartmental commit- 
tees and project teams. I termed that 
phenomenon ad-hocracy. Since then, 
many large companies have moved to 
incorporate these transient units into a 
radically new formal structure called 
matrix organization. Instead of central- 
ized control, matrix organization employs 
a “multiple-command system.” 

Under this arrangement, each em- 
ployee is attached to a department and 
reports to a superior in customary fash- 
ion. But he or she is also assigned to one 
or more teams for jobs that can't be 
done by a single department. A typical 
project team may have people from 
manufacturing, research, sales, engineer- 
ing, finance and other departments. The 
members of this team all report to the 
project leader as well as to their “reg- 
ular” boss. 

The result is that vast numbers of 
people today report to onc boss for purc- 
ly administrative purposcs and to an- 
other (or a succession of others) for 
practical, getthe-work-done purposes. 
"his system lets employees give attention 
to more than one task at a time. It speeds 
up the flow of information and avoids 
their looking at problems through the 
marrow slit of a single department. It 
helps the organization respond to quickly 
changing circumstances. 

Spreading from such early users as 


za 


General Electricin the U. 5. and Skandia 
Insurance in Sweden, the matrix-style 
organization is now found in everything 
from hospitals to accounting firms. Ma- 
trix, in the words of Professors Stanley 
M. Davis of Boston University and Paul 
R. Lawrence of Harvard, "is . . . not just 
another ог Management technique ог 
a passing fad. . . . It represents a sharp 
break . . . matrix represents а new spe- 
cies of business organization.” 

And this new species is inherently less 
centralized than the old one-boss system 
that characterized the Second Wave era. 

We are also decentralizing the econ- 
оту as a whole. Although the fact is only 
dimly appreciated as yet, national econ- 
omies are swiftly breaking down into 
regional and sectoral parts—subnational 
economies with distinctive and differing 
problems of their own. Regions. whether 
the Sun Belt in the U. S., the Mezzogior- 
no in Italy or Kansai in Japan, instead 
of growing more alike, as they did dur- 
ing the industrial era, are beginning to 
diverge from one another in terms of 
energy requirements, resources, occupa- 
tional mix, educational levels, culture 
and other key factors. Moreover, many 
of the subnational economii have 
reached the same scale many national 
economies had only a generation ago. 

The result has been the utter bank- 
ruptcy of Second Wave economic policies 
based on centralized controls or pro- 
grams. Every attempt to offset inflation 
or unemployment through nationwide 
tax rebates or hikes, or through mone- 
tary or credit manipulation, or through 
other uniform, undifferentiated Second 
Wave policies, merely aggravates the 
disease. 

Those who attempt to manage Third 
Wave economies with such centralized, 
Second Wave tools are like a doctor who 
arrives at a hospital one morning and 
blindly prescribes the same shor of 
Adrenalin for all patients—regardless of 
whether they have a broken leg. a rup- 
tured spleen, a brain tumor or ап in- 
grown toenail. Only disaggregated, 
decentralized economic management can 
work in the new economy, for it, too, із 
becoming progressively decentralized at 
the very moment it scems most global 
and uniform. 

All these anticentralist tendencies—in 
politics, in corporate or government ог- 
ganization and in the economy itself 
(along with parallel developments in the 
media, in the disuibution of computer 
power, in energy systems and in many 
other fields)—are breaking the old Sec- 
ond Wave patterns, substituting new 
ground rules for a Third Wave society. 


SMALL WITHIN BIG 15 BEAUTIFUL 


Many other sections of the Second 
Wave social code are also being rewrit- 
ten as the Third Wave arrives. Even a 
fleeting look shows us that Second Wave 


Wiis R. J, Reynotds Tab 


ШУР S d № 4. m 
o d M. ЖАҚАУ 


Winston outtastes | 


Å 
Only Wington's‘Sun-Rich” d 4 №. 4 


of the choicest, richest tol Sh ү dy Am 
iden ыы ا‎ 


Y 


ы 


saa e و‎ 74; ‚У А Ше! he 
-When your taste grows.up; 


5 diem ali 


PLAYBOY 


274 


civilization’s obsessive emphasis оп max- 
imization is also under sharp attack. 
Never before have advocates of “Bigger 
is better” been so assailed by advocates 
of “Small is beautiful.” It was only in 
the Seventies that а book with that title 
could have become an influential, world- 
wide best seller. 

Everywhere, the shift toward decen- 
tralization has been accompanied by a 
dawning recognition that there are limits 
to the much-vaunted economies of scale 
and that many organizations have ex- 
ceeded those limits. Corporations аге 
now actively searching for ways to reduce 
the size of their work units. New tech- 
nologies and the shiít to services both 
sharply reduce the scale of operation. 
The traditional Second Wave factory 
or office, with thousands of people under 
a single roof, will be a rarity in the high- 
technology nations. 

In Australia, when I asked the presi- 
dent of an auto company to describe 
the auto plant of the future, he spoke 
with utter conviction, saying, "I would 
never, ever again build a plant like this 
one with 7000 workers under the same 
roof. I would break ii 
300 or 400 in cach. The new technolo- 
gies now make this possible." 1 have 
since heard similar sentiments from the 
presidents or chairmen of companies 
producing food and other products. 
Today, we are beginning to realize 


into small units- 


that neither big nor small is beautiful 
but that appropriate scale, and the in- 
telligent meshing of both big and small, 
is most beautiful of all. (This was some- 
thing that E. F. Schumacher, author of 
Small Is Beautiful, knew better than some 
of his more fanatic followers. He once 
told friends that, had he lived in a world 
of small organizations, he would have 
written a book called Big Is Beautiful.) 

That is why we see experiments with 
new forms of organization that attempt 
to combine the advantages of both. Тһе 
rapid spread of franchising, for example, 
in the U. S., Britain, Holland and other 
countries is often a response to capital 
shortage or tax quirks. But it also repre- 
sents a method for rapidly creating small 
units and linking them together in larger 
systems, with varying degrees of centrali- 
zation or decentralization. 

Second Wave maximization is on its 
way out. Appropriate scale is in. 

Society is also taking a hard look at 
specialization and professionalism. The 
code book put the expert 
g pedestal. One of its basic 
rules was "Specialize to succeed." "Today, 
іп every field, including politics, we see 
a basic shift in attitude toward the spe. 
cialist. Once regarded as the trustworthy 
source of neutral intelligence, specialists 
have been dethroned from public ap- 
proval. They are increasingly criticized 
for pursuing their own self-interest and 


for being incapable of anything but 
“tunnel vision.” We see more and more 
efforts to restrain the power of the expert 
by adding laypeople to decision-making 
bodies—in hospitals, for example, and 
many other institutions. 

Parents demand the right to influence 
school decisions, no longer content so 
leave them to professional educators. 
After studying citizen political participa- 
tion, a task force in the state of Washing- 
ton a few years ago conduded, in a 
statement that summed up the new atti- 
tude, "You don't have to be an expert to 
know what you want! 

Second Wave zation encouraged 
yet another principle: concentration. It 
concentrated money, energy, resources 
and people. It poured vast populations 
into urban concentrations. Today, this 
process, too, has begun to turn around. 
We sce increasing geographical dispersal, 
instead. At the level of energy, we are 
moving from a reliance on concentrated 
deposits of fossil fuels to a variety of 
more widely dispersed forms of energy. 

In short, one could move systemat- 
ically through the entire code book of 
Second Wave civilization—from stand- 
ardization to synchronization, right on 
down to centralization, maximization, 
specialization and concentration—and 
show, item by item, how the old ground 
rules that governed our daily life and our 
social decision making are in the process 


For full color reproduction of Wild Turkey painting by Ken Davies, 19" by 21”, send $2 to Box 929PB, Wall St. Sta., N.Y. 10005 


of being revolutionized as Third Wave 
civilization sweeps in. 


THE ORGANIZATION OF THE FUTURE 


When all those old Second Wave 
principles were put to work in a single 
organization, the result was a classical 
industrial bureaucracy: a giant, hierar- 
chical, permanent, top-down, mecha- 
nistic organization, well designed for 
making repetitive products or repetiti: 
decisions in a comparatively stable ii 
dustrial environment. 

Now, however, as we shift to the new 
ground rules and begin to apply them 
together, we are led necessarily to wholly 
new kinds of organizations for the fu- 
ture. These Third Wave organizations 
have fatter hierarchies. They are less 
top-heavy. They consist of small com- 
ponents linked in temporary configura- 
tions. Each of these components has its 
own relationships with the outside 
world, its own foreign policy, so to speak, 
which it maintains without having to go 
through the center. These organizations 
operate more and more around the clock. 

But they are different from bureaucra- 
cies in another fundamental respect. 
They are what might be called dual or 
poly organizations, in the sense that they 
are capable of assuming two or more 
distinct structural shapes, as conditions 
warrant—rather like some plastic of the 
future that will change shape when heat 


or cold is applied but spring back into 
a basic form when the temperature is in 
its normal range. 

One might imagine an army that is 
democratic and participatory іп реасе- 
time but highly centralized and аш 
thoritarian during war, having been 
organized, in the first place, to be capable 
of both. We might use the analogy of a 
football team whose members are not 
merely capable of rearranging them- 
selves in T formation, or a multiplicity 
of arrangements for different plays, but 
who, at the sound of a whistle, are equal- 
ly capable of reassembling themselves as 
a soccer team, a baseball or basketball 
squad, depending upon the game being 
played. Such organizational players need 
to be trained for instant adaptation, and 
they must feel comfortable in a wider 
repertoire of available organizational 
structures. 

We need managers who can operate as 
well in an open-door, free-flow style as in 
a hierarchical mode, who can work in an 
organization structured like an Egyptian 
Pyramid, as well as in one that looks 
like a Calder mobile, with a few thin 
managerial strands holding 2 complex 
set of nearly autonomous modules that 
move in response to the gentlest breeze. 

We don't as yet have a vocabulary for 
describing these Third Wave organiza- 
tions of the future. Terms like matrix 
and ad hoc are inadequate. Various 


theorists have suggested different terms. 
Advertising man Lester Wunderman has 
said, "Ensemble groups, acting as intel- 
lectual commandos, will . . . begin to 
replace the hierarchical structure. 

"Tony Judge, one of our most brilliant 
organization theorists, has written ex- 
tensively about the "network" character 
of these emerging organizations of the 
future, pointing out, among other things, 
that "the network is not 'coordinated' by 
anybody; the participating bodies co- 
ordinate. themselves, so that one may 
speak of 'autocoordination." Не has 
also described them in terms of Buck- 
minster Fuller’s “tensegrity” principles. 

But whatever terms we use, something 
revolutionary is happening. We are par- 
ticipating not merely in the birth of new 
organizational forms but in the birth of 
a new civilization. A new code book is 
taking form—a set of Third Wave 
principles, new ground rules for social 
survival. 

It is hardly any wonder that parents— 
still mainly tied to the Second Wave 
code book—increasingly find themselves 
in conflict with children who, if any- 
thing, are aware of the growing irrele- 
vance of the old rules but uncertain, if 
not blindly ignorant, of the new ones. 
"They and we alike are caught between a 
dying industrial society and the Third 
Wave civilization of tomorrow. 


Wild Turkey Lore: 


In 1776 Benjamin Franklin 
proposed that the Wild Turkey 
be adopted as the symbol of 
our country. The eagle was 
chosen instead. 

The Wild Turkey later 
went on to become the 
symbol of our country's 
finest Bourbon. 


| 


д = 
‘PROOF [в EZ 


а 


WILD TURKEY"/101 PROO 


©1978 Austin, Nichols Distiling Co., Lawrenceburg, Kentucky. 


215 


PLAYBOY 


276 


HE PARTY'S NOT OVE 


(continued from page 135) 


“As the day wears on and appetites sharpen, bring on 
the Caviar Cheese Bar and Soused Shrimp.” 


allegedly, do good as well. There's also 
black velvet—champagne and stout—or 
steely, iced brut champagne, preferably а 
grande marque in honor of the day. And 
do see to it that the bourbon, Scotch, 
vodka, rum and liqueurs you serve are 
all top shelf. 

We'll leave the drink nibbles to you— 
but if you intersperse the nuts and 
pretzels with tiny pickled whole corn, 
black Nicoise olives and spiced quail 
eggs. your guests will brighten up no- 
ticeably. 

Although theyre handy, cold platters 
aren't going to excite anyone—if you 
have the usual assortment. But it needn't 
be boiled ham, Swiss cheese and Genoa 
salami again, when there's Grisons, the 


zesty, air-dried beet filet from Switzer- 
land, savory capocollo, smoked cel and 
sensuous taleggio, Italy's answer to cam- 
embert. Smoked salmon is no novelty, 
of course, but the Icelandic breed, reka- 
tively new to the States, is а mite smokier 
than most—and a nice counterpoint to 
Scotch, As the day wears on and appetites 
sharpen, bring on the Caviar Cheese Bar, 
Bagna Cauda, Chicken Wings Lucifer 
and Soused Shrimp. And for your pièce 
de résistance, an Oriental dish that's 
both stylish and satisfying, Cold Pork 
Cellophane Noodles. All аге easy to do 
and may be prepared ahead. 

Dessert сап be as simple as panettone 
and chilled asti spumante, a Roman holi- 
day custom. Coupe Spumante plays off 


“How would you like to be the first 
nuclear family on the block?" 


that ambrosial combination, but it's 
more festive. Panettone also. comple 
ments George Washington's Eggnog, as 
does Lebkuchen. 

The final ingredient? Good-time 
people—as many as you care to invite. 
Better get on that detail now! 


CAVIAR CHEESE BAR 


1 Ib. (2 8-07. bars) cream cheese 

4-02. jar red caviar 

Scallions (including green), 

chopped 

Put cheese bars on serving plate and 
spoon caviar over. Surround with 
chopped scallions. Serve with sour rye 
bread, dark pumpernickel or unsalted 
crackers. 


finely 


BAGNA CAUDA 
(Serves about eight) 


yo cup olive ой 
14 Ib. (1 stick) butter 
6 cloves garlic, very thinly sliced 
207. can flat anchovy fillets, drained, 
finely chopped 
Raw vegetables: broccoli florets, cau- 
liflower bu sticks, green 
and red pepper strips, globe rad- 
ishes, sliced black radishes, Jerusa 
lem artichokes, zucchini, celery, etc 
Combine olive oil and butter in small, 
heavy pan and set ov 
When butter has melted, add garlic 
anchovies. Stir often until anchovies dis- 
solve, keeping heat very low, so that 
neither butter nor garlic browns. Trans. 
fer to shallow heatprool bowl. Set on hot 
or over candle warmer to keep 
Serve with crisp raw vegetables, 
ог dipping. 


8, carrot 


very low heat. 


SOUSED SHRIMP, 
(Serves six to cight) 
2 Ibs. raw shrimps, in shell 
2 cans dark beer 
Seasoning: celery rib, sprig parsley, 
small onion, clove garlic, bay leaf, 
2 teaspoons salt 
2 large onions, sliced 
2 tablespoons capers 
1 cup salad ой 
up wine vinegar 
1 teaspoon salt 
341 grinds black pepper 
Bay leat 
3-4 dashes Tabasco. or to taste 
Slit shrimp shells up the back. Ri 
out sand vein, but do not peel. Bring 
nd seasoning to boil; simmer 5 
minutes. Add shrimps. When liq 
ns to simmer, cook 3 to 6 m 
just until sl ink I 
layer shrimps with sliced о 
capers in deep dish. Combine rem: 
ingredients and pour over shrimps. Cover 
lish and refrigerate at least 24 hours. 
Serve shrimps unpeeled, but provide 
bowl for shells. 


be 


(concluded overleaf) 


| For the man \ 
2% who wants everything 


т 
d Frisky, cold drinks at your fingertips. Press on top 
and your BARTENDER™ dispenser pours a dry, dry martini, a 
perfect manhattan, a punch. Irish coffee stays hot all evening long. 
Inside is a genuine THERMOS” brand vacuum bottle. The 
replaceable, sturdy Stronglas* filler is as kind їо your drinks 


as the bottles they came in. Available where 
TH ER М0 you buy THERMOS” brand products. Cheers! 


BARTENDER 


PLAYBOY 


278 


CHICKEN WINGS LUCIFER 
(Serves six to eight) 


3 Ibs. chicken wings 

% сар Dijon mustard 

2 tablespoons dry white wine 

34 cup Italian-seasoned bread crumbs 

Cut off and discard wing tips; separate 
wings at joint and cut away excess skin. 
Mix mustard with wine. Lightly spread 
wing pieces with mixture, then coat with 
crumbs. Arrange wings in single layer in 
very well-oiled shallow baking pan. (You 
may need more than опе pan.) Bake іп 
preheated 4009 oven for 15 minutes, 
turn pieces and bake 15 minutes more. 
Serve warm. If wings are done ahead, 
cool completely, then refrigerate. To re- 
crisp before serving, put wings in ciled 
pan and place in oven, set at highest 
heat, for about 7 minutes. 


COLD PORK CELLOPHANE NOODLES 
(Serves six to eight) 

Dressing: $4 cup rice vinegar, М; cup 
soy sauce, 2 tablespoons salad oil, 1 
tablespoon sugar, 4 teaspoon dry 
mustard, 1% teaspoon garlic powder, 
34 grinds black pepper, 1% tea- 
spoons cach sesame oil, grated fresh 
ginger 


[ee 


Г Д к - 


8 ozs. cellophane noodles (also called 
rice noodles or rice sticks) 
14 Ibs. roast pork, cut in 14^ Ы" 
strips (about 4 cups) 
% Ib. raw mushrooms, sliced 
1 large cucumber, peeled, seeded and 
diced 
4 scallions (including some green), 
sliced 
kage (10 ozs.) frozen peas 
14 cup cashews, coarsely chopped 
Cherry tomatoes 
Combine dressing ingredients and mix 
well. Pour about half the dressing into 
large bowl and set remainder aside. Bring 
large pot of water to boil; add cellophane 
noodles. Cook 2 to 8 minutes, or just 
until tender. Drain, rinse with cold wa- 
ter, drain well. Add to bowl with dress- 
ing; stir to coat. Add pork, mushrooms, 
cucumber and scallions. Cook peas until 
barely done. Rinse in cold water, drain 
and mix into bowl. Stir in enough ad- 
ditional dressing so that everything is 
well moistened. Refrigerate until ready 
to serve. Stir well; transfer to serving 
bowl. Sprinkle with cashews and put 
ring of cherry tomatoes around rim. 
Note: Rice vinegars vary in acidity, so 
if yours is extra-sharp, you may want to 
add a little more sugar to dressing. 


“You're right! I left my clothes 
in the doctor's office.” 


COUPES SPUMANTE 
(Serves 12) 


1 pint swawberries, washed and hulled 

1 oz. Grand Marnier 

Sugar, to taste 

1 сап (17 ог.) apricot halves, chilled 

1 can (20 ozs.) pineapple chunks, 

chilled 

1 cup green grapes, seedless or seeded 

Asti spumante, chilled 

‘Toss strawberries with Grand Marnier 
and little sugar, if necessary. Drain 
apricots and pineapple. Layer apricots, 
grapes, pineapple and strawberries in 
attractive glass bowl. Open asti spumante 
and stand it in ice bucket next to fruit. 
Spoon fruit into wineglasses and splash 
spumante over. Serve with slice panet- 
tone. 


SNAKE CHARMER 1 

¥ oz gin 

34 oz. Cointreau 

34 oz. lemon juice 

34 oz. Lillet 

Dash Pernod 

Shake with ice; strain into cocktail 
glass. Garnish with orange slice. 


SNAKE CHARMER П 


2 ozs. brandy 

1⁄4 oz. lemon juice 

1 teaspoon grenadine 

Chilled champagne (brut or extra-dry) 

Shake brandy, lemon juice and grena- 
dine with ice; strain into 6-oz. wineglass. 
Splash in champagne, to taste. 


GEORGE WASHINGTON’S EGGNOG 
(Serves 15) 

6 egg yolks 

Y4 cup plus 2 

sugar 

8 ozs. brand 

4 ozs. bourbon 

2 ozs. dark rum 

2 ozs. cream sherry 

1 quart half-and-half (cream and milk) 

6 egg whites 

Freshly grated nutmeg 

Beat egg yolks with 14 cup sugar in 
large bowl, until thick and light yellow. 
Very gradually beat in spirits, then 
sherry, then half-and-half. In separate 
bowl, beat egg whites until foamy. Grad- 
ually add 2 tablespoons sugar, continu- 
ing to beat until whites are stiff. Slide 
whites onto top of yolk mixture. Using 
large spoon, turn nog gently from top to 
bottom, with circular motion. Stop as 
soon as no large dumps of white сап be 
seen. Refrigerate several hours to mellow. 
Stir very gently before serving and top 
with grated nutmeg. 

These arrangements are so flexible, 
and so accommodating, that you can 
issue last-minute invitations to friends 
you've overlooked, and make unexpect- 
ed drop-ins feel welcome. А nice note оп 
which to start the new year! 


tablespoons superfine 


MY UNCLE OSWALD 


(continued from page 228) 


“The woman returned my gaze, her chin high and 
arrogant, her eyes traveling slowly down my body.” 


tremendously tall but also attractive, 
and I was much impressed by what I 
saw. As we shook hands, I applied a 
touch of extra pressure to her knuckles 
and watched her face. Her lips parted 
and I saw the tip of her tongue push 
out suddenly between her teeth. Very 
well, young lady, I told myself. You 
shall be number one in Paris. 

In case this sounds a bit brash coming 
from a 17-year-old stripling like me, I 
think you should know that even at 
that tender age, fortune had endowed me 
with far more than my share of good 
looks. I was, in fact, a youth of quite 
piercing beauty and there is no point in 
denying it. 

In order to carry out the plan which 
the good Major Grout had put into my 
head, I straightaway announced to 
Madame Boisvain that 1 would be leav- 
ing first thing in the morning to stay 
with friends in the country. We were 
still standing in the hall and we had 
just completed the handshakes. "But 
Monsieur Oswald, you have only this 
minute arrived!” the good lady cried. 

“I believe my father has paid you six 
months in advance,” I said. “If I am not 
here, you will save money on food.” 

Arithmetic like that will mollify the 
heart of any landlady in France, and 
Madame Boisvain made no further pro- 
test. 

The next morning, in order to carry 
out my plan, I said farewell to the 
Boisvains and took a train for Mar- 
seille. I had on me the six months’ 
expense money my father had provided 
before I left London, £200 in French 
francs. That was a lot of money in the 
year 1912. 

At Marseilles, I booked a passage for 
Alexandria on a French steamship of 
9000 tons called L'Impératrice Jose- 
phine. a pleasant little passenger boat 
that ran regularly between Marseilles, 
Naples, Palermo and Alexand 

‘The trip was without incident, except 
that I encountered on the first day out 
yet another tall female. This time she 
was a Turk, a tall dark-skinned Turkish 

in jewelry 
ll sorts that she tinkled as she 
walked. My first thought was that she 
would have worked wonders on top of a 
cherry tree to keep the birds away. My 
second thought, which followed very 
soon after the first, was that she had an 
exceptional shape to her body. The 
undulations in the region of her chest 
were so magnificent that I felt, as I gazed 
at them across the boat deck, like a 


traveler in Tibet who was seeing for the 
first time the highest peaks in the Hima- 
layas. The woman returned my gaze, 
her chin high and arrogant, her eyes 
traveling slowly down my body from 
head to toe, then up again. A minute 
later, she calmly strolled across and in- 
vited me to her cabin for a glass of 
absinthe. I'd never heard of the stuff in 
my life, but I went willingly, and I 
stayed willingly and I did not emerge 
again from that cabin until we docked at 
Naples three days later. It was then that 
I learned for the first time that to tangle 
with a Turk is like running 50 miles 
before breakfast. You have to be fit. 

I spent the rest of the voyage getting 
my wind back and by the time we 
docked at Alexandria four days later, I 
was feeling quite bouncy again. From 
Alexandria, 1 took a train to Cairo. 
There I changed trains and went on to 
Khartoum. 

By God, it was hot in the Sudan. I 
was not dressed for the tropics, but 1 
refused to waste money on clothes that 
I would be wearing for only a day or 
two. In Khartoum. I got a room at a 
large hotel where the foyer was filled 
with Englishmen wearing khaki shorts 
and topees. They all had mustaches and 
magenta cheeks like Major Grout, and 
every one of them had a drink in 
his hand. There was a Sudanese hall 
porter of sorts lounging by the entrance. 
He was a splendid, handsome fellow in 
a white robe with a red tarboosh on his 
head, and I went up to him. 

“I wonder if you could help me?" I 
said, taking some French bank notes 
from my pocket and rifling them cas- 
ually. 

He looked at the money and grinned. 

“Blister beetles," I said. “You know 
about blister beetles?” 

Here it was, then. This was le moment 
critique. 1 had come all the way from 
Paris to Khartoum to ask that one ques- 
tion, and now I watched the man's face 
anxiously. It was certainly possible that 
Major Сгош story had been nothing 
more than an entertaining hoax. 

“Тһе Sudanese hall porter's grin. be- 
came wider still. "Everyone knows about. 
blister beetles, sahib," he said. "What 
you want?" 

“I want you to tell me where I can go 
out and catch onc thousand of them." 

He stopped grinning and stared at me 
as though I'd gone balmy. “You mean 
live beetles?” he exclaimed. “You want 
to go out and catch yourself one thou- 
sand live blister beetles?” 


^I do, yes.” 

"What you want live beetles for, 
sahib? They no good to you at all, those 
old live beetles.” 

Oh, my God, I thought. The major 
has Бесп pulling our legs. 

The hall porter moved closer to me 
and placed an almost jet-black hand on 


Tess 

“Then you don't want to bother 
them live beetles, sahib. All you want is 
powdered beetles.” 

"I had an idea I might take the beetles 
home and breed them,” I said. “That 
way, I'd have a permanent supply. 

“In England?” he said. 

“England or France. Somewhere like 
that" 

"No good," he said, shaking his head. 
“This little blister beetle, he live only 
here in the Sudan. He needs very hot 
sun. Beetles will all die in your country. 
‘Why you not take the powder?” 

I could see I was going to have to 
make a slight adjustment in my plans. 
"How much does the powder cost?” I 
asked him. 

"How much you want?" 

"A lot." 

"You һауе to be very, very careful with 
that powder, sahib. АП you take is the 
littlest pinch, otherwise you get into 
very serious Quuble,” 
know that." 

“Over here, we Sudanese men measure 
up one dose by pouring the powder over 
the head of a pin and what stays on the 
pinhead is one dose exactly. And that is 
not very much. So you better be careful, 
young sahib.” 

“I know all about that," 1 said. “Just 
tell me how I go about getting hold of a 
large quantity.” 

“What you mean by large quantity?” 

“Well, say about ten pounds in 
weight.” 

“Ten pounds!" he cried. “That would 
take care of all the people in the whole 
of Africa put together!” 

“Five pounds, then.” 

“What in the world you going to do 
with five pounds of blister-beetle pow- 
der, sahib? Just a few ounces is a lifetime 
supply, even for a big strong man like 


ver mind what I'm going to do 
” 1 said. "How much would it 


He laid his head on one side and con- 
sidered this question carefully. “We buy 
it in tiny packets,” he said. “Quarter 
ounce cach. Very expensive stuff. 

"I want five pounds,” I said. "In bulk." 

“Are you staying here in the hotel?” 
he asked me. 

“Yes.” 

“Then I see you tomorrow with the 


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answer. I must go around asking some 
questions. 

1 left it at that for the time being. 

‘The next morning, the tall black hall 
porter was in his usual place by the hotel 
“What news of the powder?” 1 


" he said. “I find a place where 
1 can get you five pounds in weight of 
pure powder.” 
"How much will it cost?” I asked him. 
“One thousand English pounds, sahib. 
Very cheap.” 


said, turning away. 


he said. 


“One hundred.” 

“No. Fifty. That's all I can afford.” 

He shrugged and spread his palms up- 
ward. “You find the money,” he said. “I 
find the powder. Six o'clock tonight. 

“How will 1 know you won't be giv- 
ing me sawdust or something?” 

“Sahib!” he cried. "I never cheat 
anyone." 

“Tm not so sui 

“In that case," he said, “we will test 
the powder on you by giving you a little 
dose before you pay me. How's that?” 

“Good idea," I said. “See you at six.” 

One of the London banks had an over- 
seas branch in Khartoum. I went there 
and changed some of my French francs 
for pounds. At six р.м., I sought out the 
hall porter. He was now in the foyer of 
the hotel. 

“You got it?" І asked him. 

He pointed to a large brown-paper 
parcel standing on the floor behind a 
pillar. “You want to test it first, sahib? 
You are very welcome, because this is the 
absolute top-class quality beetle powder 
in the Sudan. One pinhead of this and 
you go jig-a-jig all night long and half 
the next day. 

1 didn't think he would have offered 
me a trial run if the stuff hadn't been 
right, so I gave him the money and took 
the parcel. 

An hour later, I was on the night 
train to Cairo. Within ten days, I was 
back in Paris and knocking on the door 
of Madame Boisvain's house in the Ave- 
nue Marceau. I had my precious parcel 
with me. There had been no trouble 
with the French customs as 1 disem- 
barked at Marseilles. In those days, they 
searched for knives and guns but noth- 
ing else. 


° 

I announced to Madame B. that I was 
now going to stay lor quite a while but 
that 1 had one request to make. I was а 
science student, I told her. It was my 
wish not only to learn French during 
my stay in France but also to pursue my 
scientific studies. 1 would therefore be 
conducting certain experiments in my 
room which involved the use of appara- 
tus and chemicals that could be danger- 
ous or poisonous to the inexperienced. 


Because of this, 1 wished to have a key 
to my room, and nobody should enter it. 

“And who will dean your room and 
make your bed?" 

"I will,” I said. “This will save you 
much trouble.” 

She muttered and grumbled a fair bit 
but gave way to me in the end. 

1 went upstairs to my room and locked 
the door. For the first time, 1 opened my 
big brown-paper parcel. The powder had 
been packed, thank goodness, in two 
large biscuit tins. І opened one up. The 
stuff was pale gray and almost as fine as 
flour. Here before me, 1 told myself, lay 
what was probably the biggest crock of 
gold а man could ever find. I say prob- 
ably because, as yet, I had no proof of 
anything. 1 had only the major's word 
that the stuff worked and the hall por- 
ter's word that it was the genuine article. 

I lay оп my bed and read a book until 
midnight. I then undressed and got into 
my pajamas. 1 took a pin and held it 
upright over the open tin of powder. I 
sprinkled a pinch of powder over the 
upright pinhead. A tiny cluster of gray 
powder grains remained clinging to the 
top of the pin. Very carefully, I raised 
this to my mouth and licked off the 
powder. It tasted of nothing. 1 noted 
the time by my watch, then I sat on the 
edge of the bed to await results. 

They weren't long coming. Precisely 
nine minutes later, my whole body went 
rigid. I began to gasp and gurgle. I 
froze where I was sitting, just as Major 
Grout had frozen on his veranda with 
the glass of whiskey in his hand. But 
because I'd had а much weaker dose 
than him, this period of paralysis lasted 
for only a few seconds. Then I felt, as 
the good major had so aptly put it, a 
burning sensation in the region of my 
groin. Within another minute, my mem- 
ber had become as stiff and erect as the 
mainmast of a topsail schooner. 

Now for the final test. I stood up and 
crossed to the door. I opened it quietly 
and slipped along the passage. I entered 
the bedroom of Mademoiselle Nicole 
and, surely enough, there she was wait- 
ing for me. “Bon soir, monsieur," she 
whispered, giving me a formal hand- 
shake. 

I didn't say anything. Already, as I 
got into bed beside her, 1 was beginning 
to slide off into another of those weird 
fantasies that seem to engulf me when- 
ever I come to close quarters with a 
female. This time 1 was back in the Mid- 
dle Ages and Richard Coeur de Lion 
was king of England. 1 was the champion 
jouster of the country, the noble knight 
who was once more about to display his 
prowess and strength before the king 
and all his courticrs in the Field of the 
Cloth of Gold. My opponent was a gi- 
gantic and fearsome female from France 
who had butchered 78 valiant English- 
men in tournaments of jousting. But my 
steed was brave and my lance was of 


tremendous length and thickness, sharp- 
pointed, vibrant and made of the strong- 
est steel. And the king shouted out, 
"Bravo, Sir Oswald, the man with Ше 
mighty lance! No one but he has the 
strength to wield so huge a weapon! 
Run her through, my lad! Кип her 
through!” So I went galloping into bat- 
Че with my giant lance pointed straight. 
and true at the Frenchy's most vital 
region, and I thrust at her with mighty 
thrusts, all swift and sure, and in a trice 
1 had pierced her armor and had her 
screaming for mercy. But 1 was in no 
mood to be merciful. Spurred on by the 
cheers of the king and his courtiers, I 
drove my steely lance 10,000 times into 
that writhing body and then 10,000 
times more, and I heard the courtiers 
shouting, “Thrust away, Sir Oswald! 
Thrust away and keep on thrusting!” 
And then the king’s voice was saying, 
“Begad, methinks the brave fellow is 
going to shatter that great lance of his if 
he doesn't stop soon!" But my lance did 
not shatter, and іп a glorious finale, I 
impaled the giant Frenchy female upon 
the spiked end of my trusty weapon and 
went galloping around the arena, wav- 
ing the body high above my head to 
shouts of "Bravo!" and ""Gadzooks!" and 
“Victor ludorum!" 

All this, as you can imagine, took 
some time. How long, ] had not the 
faintest idea, but when I finally surfaced 
again, I jumped out of the bed and 
stood there triumphant, looking down 
upon my prostrate victim. The girl was 
panting like a stag at bay and I began 
to wonder whether I might not have 
done her an injury. Not that I cared 
much about that. 

“You are ferocious and you are mar- 
velous and I feel like my boiler has 
exploded!” she cried. 

That made me feel pretty good. 1 left 
without another word and sneaked back 
along the corridor to my own room. 
What a triumph! The powder was fan- 
tastic! The major had been right! And 
the hall porter in Khartoum had not let 
me down! I was on my way to the crock 
of gold and nothing could stop me. With 
these happy thoughts, I fell asleep. 

"Тһе next morning, I immediately be- 
gan to set matters in train. You will 
remember that I had a science scholar- 
ship. I was, therefore, well versed in 
physics and chemistry and several other 
things besides, but chemistry had always 
been my strongest subject. 

I therefore knew already all about the 
process of making a simple pill. In the 
year 1912, which is where we are now, it 
was customary for pharmacists to make 
many of their own pills on the premises, 
and for this they always used something 
called a pill machine. So I went shop- 
ping in Paris that morning, and in the 
end, I found a supplier of secondhand 
pharmaceutical apparatus. From him 1 


bought an excellent little pill machine 2g] 


PLAYBOY 


282 


that turned out good professional pills 
in groups of 24 at a time. 1 bought also 
a pair of highly sensitive chemists’ scales. 

Next, I found a pharmacy that sold 
me a large quantity of calcium carbonate 
and a smaller amount of tragacanth. I 
also bought a bottle of cochineal. I car- 
ried all this back to my room, and then 
1 cleared the dressing table and laid out 
my supplies and my apparatus in good 
order. 

Pillmaking is a simple matter if you 
know how. The calcium carbonate, 
which is neutral and harmless, comprises 
the bulk of the pill. You then add the 
precise quantity by weight of the active 
ingredient, in my case, cantharidin pow- 
der. And finally, as an excipient, you put 
in a little tragacanth. An excipient is 
simply the cement that makes everything 
stick together and harden into an attrac- 
tive pill. 

I weighed out sufficient of each sub- 
stance to make 24 fairly large and im- 
pressive pills. I added a few drops of 
cochineal, which is a tasteless scarlet 
coloring matter. I mixed everything to- 
gether well and truly in a bowl and fed 
the mixture into my pill machine. In a 
trice, I had before me 24 large red pills 
of perfect shape and hardness. And cach 
one, if I had done my weighing and mix- 
ing properly, contained exactly the 
amount of cantharidin powder that 
would lie on top of a pinhead. Each one, 
in other words. was a potent and explo- 
sive aphrodisiac. 

T was still not ready to make my move. 

I went out again into the streets of 
Paris and found a commercial boxmaker. 
From him, I bought 1000 small round 
cardboard boxes, one inch in diameter. I 
also bought cotton wool. 

Next, I went to a printer and ordered 
1000 tiny round labels. On each label 
the following legend was to be printed 
in English: 


Professor Yousoupoff's Potency Pills. 


These pills are exceedingly powerful 
the gly, otherwise you may 
bot and your partner beyond 


jon. Recommended dose, 
Іс European agent, O: 
venue Marceau, Paris. 


poii 
one рег week. 
Cornelius, 192 


‘The labels were designed to fit exactly 
upon the lids of my little cardboard 
boxes. 

Two days later, I collected the labels. 
1 bought a pot of glue. I returned to my 
room and stuck labels onto 24 box lids. 
Inside each box, І made a nest of white 
cotton wool. Upon this I placed a single 
scarlet pill and closed the lid. 

I was ready to go. 

As you will have guessed long ago, 1 
was about to enter the commercial 
world. 1 was going to sell my Potency 
Pills to a clientele that would soon be 
screaming for more and still more. 1 
would sell them individually, one only 
in each box, and 1 would charge an 
exorbitant price. 

Апа the clientele? Where would they 


come from? How would a 17-year-old 
boy in a foreign city set about finding 
customers for this wonder pill of his? 
Well, I had no qualms about that. I had 
only to find one single person of the 
right type and let him try one single pill 
and the ecstatic recipient would imme 
diately come galloping back for a second 
helping. He would also whisper the news 
to his friends and the glad tidings would 
spread like a forest fire. 

I already knew who my first victim was 
going to be. 

The current British ambassador to 
France was someone by the name of Sir 
Charles Makepiece. He was an old friend 
of my father's, and before I left England, 
my father had written a letter to Sir 
Charles asking him to keep an сус on me. 

1 knew what I had to do now, and 1 
set about doing it straight away. 1 put on. 
my best suit of clothes and made my way 
h embassy. I did not, of 
course, go in by the chancery entrance. I 
knocked on the door of the ambassador's 
private residence, which was in the same 
imposing building as the chancery, but 
at the rear. The time was four in the 
afternoon. A flunky in white knec 
breeches and a scarlet coat with gold 
buttons opened the door and glared at 
me. ] had no visiting card, but I man- 
aged to convey the news that my father 
and mother were close friends of Sir 
Charles and Lady Makepiece and would 
he kindly inform her ladyship that 
Oswald Cornelius Esquire had come to 
pay his respects. 

I was put into a sort of vestibule, 
where I sat down and waited. Five min- 
utes later, Lady Makepiece swept into 
the room in a flurry of silk and chiffon. 
“Well, well!” she cried, taking both of 
my hands in hers. “So you are William's 
son! He always had good taste, the old 
rascal! We got his letter and we've been 
waiting for you to call.” 

She was an imposing wench. Not 
young, of course, but not exactly fos 
silized, either. 1 put her around 40. She 
had one of those dazzling ageless faces 
that scemed to be carved out of marble, 
and lower down there was a torso that 
tapered to a waist I could have drded 
with my two hands. 

She led me by the hand through a 
number of vast and superbly appointed 
rooms until we arrived at a smallish, 
rather cozy place furnished with a sofa 
and armchairs. "This" she said, "is my 
own private little study. From here I 
organize tae social life of the embassy." I 
smiled and blinked and sat down on thc 
sofa. Lady Makepiece sat beside me. 
"Now tell me all about yourself,” she 
said. There followed a whole lot of ques- 
tions and answers about my family and 
about me, It was all pretty banal, but I 
knew I must stick it out for the sake of 
my great plan. So we went on talking for 
maybe 40 minutes, with her ladyshi 
frequently patting my thigh with a jew- 


eled hand to emphasize а point. In the 
end, the hand remained resting on my 
thigh and 1 felt a slight finger pressure. 
Ho-ho, 1 thought. What's the old bird 
up to now? Then suddenly she sprang 
to her feet and began pacing nervously 
up and down the room. I sat watching 
her. Back and forth she paced. hands 
lasped across her front, head twitching, 
bosom heaving. She was like a tightly 
coiled spring. 

“Have you met my husband?” she 
blurted out. "Obviously, you haven't. 
You've just arrived. He's a lovely man. 
A brilliant person. But he's getting on 
in ycars, poor lamb, and he can't take as 
ise as he used to." 
^" 1 said, "No more polo 


and tennis." 

“Not even ping pong," she said. 

“Everyone gets old," 1 said. 

She took a great big deep breath and 
her breasts blew up like two gigantic 
balloons. “I'll tell you what 1 want," she 
whispered softly. "I want you to ravish 
me and ravish me and ravish me! I want 
you to ravish me to death! 1 want you 
to do it now! Now! Quickly!” 

By golly, 1 thought. Here we go again. 

“Don't be shocked, dear boy." 

“Tm not shocked." 

“Oh, yes you аге. I can scc it on your 
face, I should never have asked you. You 
are so young. You are far 100 young. 
How old are you? No, don't tell me. I 
don't want to know. You are very deli- 
cious, but schoolboys are forbidden fruit. 
What a pity. It’s quite obvious you have 
not yet entered the fiery world of wom- 
en. I don't suppose you've ever even 
touched опе.” 

That пешей me. "You are mistaken, 
Lady Makepiece,” I said. "I have frol- 
icked with females оп both sides of the 
Channel. Also on ships at sea.” 

“Why, you naughty boy! I don't be- 
lieve it! 

1 was still on the sofa. She was stand- 
ing above me. Her big red mouth was 
open and she was beginning to pant. 
“You do understand I would never have 
mentioned it if Charles hadn't been . . « 
sort of past it, don't you?” 

"Of course 1 understand,” I said, 
wriggling a bit. "I understand very well. 
I am full of sympathy. I don't blame 
you in the least." 

"You really mean that?" 

“Of course.” 

“Oh, you gorgeous boy!" she cried and 
she came at me like a tigress. 

There is nothing particularly illumi- 
nating to report about the barney that 
followed, except, perhaps, to mention 
that her ladyship astounded me with her 
sofa work. Up until then, I had always 
regarded the sofa as a rotten romping 
ground, though heaven knows, I had 
heen forced to use it often enough with 
the London debutantes while the par- 
ents were snoring away upstairs. The 
sofa to me was a beastly uncomfortable 


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283 


PLAYBOY 


thing surrounded on three sides by 
padded walls and with a horizontal area 
that was so narrow one was continually 
rolling off it onto the floor. But Lady 
Makepiece was a sofa wizard. For her, 
the sofa was a kind of gymnastic horse 
upon which one vaulted and bounced 
and flipped and rolled. 

“Were you ever a gym teacher?" I 
asked her. 

"Shut up and concentrate,” she said, 
rolling me around like a lump of puff 
pastry. 

It was lucky for me I was young and 
pliable; otherwise, I'm quite sure I 
would have suffered a fracture. And that 
got me thinking about poor old Sir 
Charles and what he must һауе gone 
through in his time. Small wonder he 
had chosen to go into moth balls. But 
just wait, I thought, until he swallows 
the old blister beetle! Then it'll be her 
that starts blowing the whistle for time 
out, not him. 

Lady Makepiece was а quick-change 
artist. A couple of minutes after our little 
caper had ended, there she was, seated 
at her small Louis Quinze desk, look- 
ing as well groomed and as unruflled as 
when I had first met her. The steam had 
gone out of her now, and she had the 
sleepy, contented expression of a boa 
constrictor that has just swallowed a live 
rat. "Look here, 
piece of paper. 
а rather grand dinner party. Admiral 
Joubert has dropped out. He's reviewing 
his fleet in the Mediterranean. How 
would you like to take his place?” 

I only just stopped myself from shout- 
ing hooray. It was exactly what I wanted. 
"I would be honored," I said. 

“Most of the government ministers 
will be there,” she “And all the 
senior ambassadors. Do you have a white 
че 

"I do," I said. 

“Good,” she said, writing my name on 
the guest list. "Eight o'clock tomorrow 
evening, then. Good afternoon, my little 
man. И was nice meeting you." Already 
she had gone back to studying the guest 
list, so I found my own way out. 

. 

The next evening, sharp at eight 
o'clock, I presented myself at the em- 
bassy. I was fully rigged up in white tie 
and tails. A tail coat, in those days, had a 
deep pocket on the inside of each tail, 
and in these pockets I had secreted a 
total of 12 small boxes, each with a sin- 
gle pill inside. I marched in and joined 
the receiving line. 

“Dear boy,” said Lady Makepiece. 
“I'm so glad you could come. Charles, 
this is Oswald Cornelius, William's son.’ 

Sir Charles Makepiece was a tiny little 
fellow with a full head of elegant 
white hair. "So you arc William's boy, arc 
you?" he said, shaking my hand. "How 
are you making out in Paris? Anything I 


284 сап do for you, just let me know.” 


I moved on into the glittering crowd. 
I seemed to be the only male present 
who was not smothered in decorations 
and ribbons. We stood around drinking 
champagne. Then we went in to dinner. 
І concentrated on the food, which was 
superb. I still remember thc large truffle, 
as big asa golf ball, baked in white wine 
in a little earthenware pot with the lid 
on. And the way in which the poached 
turbot was so superlatively undercooked, 
with the center almost raw but still very 
hot. (The English and the Americans in- 
variably overcook their fish.) And Шеп 
the wines! They were something to re- 
member, those wines! 

When dinner was over, the women, 
led by Lady Makepiece, left the room. 
Sir Charles shepherded the men into a 
vast adjoining sitting room to drink port 
and brandy and coffee. 

In the sitting room, as the men began 
to split up into groups, 1 quickly ma- 
neuvered myself alongside the host him- 
self. “Ah, there you are, my boy,” he 
said. “Come and sit here with me.’ 

Perfect. 

"There were 11 of us, including me, in 
this particular group, and Sir Charles 
courteously introduced me to each one 
of them in turn. “This is young Oswald 
Cornelius,” he said. “Meet the German 
ambassador, Oswald.” I met the German 
ambassador. Then I met the Italian am- 
bassador and the Hungarian ambassador 
and the Russian ambassador and the 
Peruvian ambassador and the Mexican 
ambassador. Then 1 met the French 
minister for foreign affairs and a French 
army general and, lastly, a funny little 
dark man from Japan who was intro- 
duced simply as Mr. Mitsouko. Every 
one of them spoke English. 

"Have a glass of port, young man,” 
Sir Charles Makepiece said to me, "and 
pass it round. Your father tells me you've 
got a scholarship to Trinity. Is that 
right?” 

"Yes, sir," I said. My moment was com- 
ing any second now. I must not miss it. 
I must plunge in. 

“What's your subject?” Sir Charles 
asked me. 

“Science, sir," 1 answered. Then I 
plunged. "As a matter of fact,” I said, 
lifting my voice just enough for them 
all to hear me, "there's some absolutely 
amazing work being done in one of the 
laboratories up there at this moment. 
Highly secret. You simply wouldn't be- 
lieve what they've just discovered.” 

Ten heads came up and ten pairs of 
eyes rose from port glasses and coffee 
cups and regarded me with mild interest. 
already gone 
wp," Sir Charles said. "I thought you 
had a ycar to wait and that's why you'rc 
over here." 

“Quite right," I said. "But my future 
tutor invited me to spend most of last 
term working in the Natural Sciences 


Lab. That's my favorite subject, natural 
sciences." 

"And what, may I ask, have they just 
discovered that is so secret and so re- 
markable?" There was a touch of banter 
in Sir Charless voice now, and who 
could blame him? 

"Well, sir," I murmured, and then 
purposely, I stopped. 

Silence for a few seconds. The nine 
foreigners and the British ambassador 
sat still, waiting politely for me to go on. * 

“Don't tell me they are letting а fellow 
of your age handle secrets," Sir Charles 
said, smiling a litle. 
hese aren't war secrets, sir," I said. 
"They couldn't help an enemy. These 
are secrets that are going to help all of 
mankind." 

“Then tell us about them," Sir Charles 
said, lighting a huge cigar. "You have a 
distinguished audience here and they 
are all waiting to hear from you.” 


breakthrough since Pasteur,” I said. 
going to change the world.” 

“If the world is about to be changed,” 
Sir Charles said, "I'm a little surprised 
that this information hasn't yet found 
its way to my desk." 

Steady on, Oswald, I told myself. 
You've hardly begun and already you've 
been laying it on too thick. 

“Forgive me, sir, but the point is he 
hasn't published yet 

“Who hasn't? Who's he?" 

"Professor Yousoupoff, sir." 

The Russian ambassador put down his 
glass of port and said, "Yousoupolf? Is 
he a Russian?” 

"Yes, sir, he's a Russian.” 

“Then why haven't J heard of him?” 

I wasn't about to get into a tangle 

with this black-eyed, black-bearded Cos- 
sack, so 1 kept silent. 
Some on, then, young man," Sir 
Charles said. “Tell us about the greatest 
scientific breakthrough of our time. You 
mustn't keep us in suspense, you know." 

I took a few deep breaths and a gulp 
of port. This was the great moment. Pray 
heaven ] wouldn't mess it up. 

"For twenty-seven years," 1 Pro- 
fessor Yousoupoff has been studying the 
seed of the pomegranate 

"Excuse me, please," said the little 
Japanese man. "But why the pomegran- 
ate? Why not the grape or the black 
currant?" 

"I cannot answer that question, sir," 
I said. “I suppose it was simply what 
you might call a hunch.” 

“Hell of a long time to spend on a 
hunch,” Sir Charles said. “But go on, my 
boy. We mustn't interrupt you." 

“Last January,” I said, “the professor's 
patience was at last rewarded. What he 
did was this. He ‘ced the seed of a 
pomegranate and examined the contents 
bit by bit under a powerful microscope. 
And it was only then that he observed in 
the very center of the seed a minuscule 


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PLAYBOY 


286 


speck of red vegetable tissue that he'd 
never seen before. He proceeded to 
isolate this tiny speck of tissue. But it 
was obviously too small to be of any use 
оп its own. So the professor set out to 
dissect one hundred seeds and to obtain 
from them one hundred of these tiny 
red particles.” 

I took another sip of port. My audi- 
ence waited for me to go on. 

“So we now had one hundred red 
particles, but even when we put them 
all together on a glass slide, the result 
could still not be scen by the naked сус.” 

"And what did this famous professor 
do with them?" 

"He took the one hundred tiny rcd 
particles and fed every one of them to 
a single large healthy male rat. He then 
put the rat in a cage together with 
ten female газ. At first, nothing hap- 
pened. Then suddenly, after exactly 
nine minutes, Ше rat became very still. 
He crouched down, quivering all over. 
He was looking at the females. He crept 
toward the nearest one and grabbed her 
by the skin of her neck with his teeth 
and mounted her. It did not take long. 
He was very fierce with her and very 
swift. But here's the extraordinary thing. 
The moment the rat had finished copu- 
lating with the first female, he grabbed 
a second one and set about her in just 
the same way. Then he took a third 
female rat, and a fourth and a fifth. He 
was absolutely tireless. He went from 
one female to another, lornicating with 
each in turn, until he had covered all 
ten of them. Even then, gentlemen, he 
hadn't had enough! 


"Professor Yousoupoff got very excit- 
ed. ‘Oswaldsky, my boy, I think I have 
discovered the absolutely greatest, most. 
powerful sexual stimulant in the whole 
history of mankind!’ 

“I think you have, too,’ I said. We 
were still standing by the cage of rats 
and the male rat was still leaping on the 
wretched females, one after the other. 
Within an hour, he had collapsed from 
exhaustion. ‘We give him too big a 


rat," 
"what came of 
e died,” I said. 
too much women, yes?” 

"Yes" I said. "So thc next timc, wc 
isolated only twenty of these tiny red 
microscopic nuclei. We inserted them in 
а pellet of bread and then went out 
looking for a very old man. We found 
our old man in Newmarket. His name 
was Mr. Sawkins and he was onc hun- 
dred and two years old. He was suffering 
from advanced senility. His mind was 
wandering and he had to be fed by 
spoon. He had not been out of bed 
for seven years, The professor and I 
knocked on the door of his house and 
his daughter, aged eighty, opened it. ‘I 
am Professor Yousoupoff,” the professor 
announced. ' have discovered a great 
medicine to help old people. Will you 
allow us to give some to your poor old 
father? 

"'You can give ‘im anything you 
damn well please, the daughter sai 
"The old fool doesn't know wha! 
on from one day to the next. 
flamin' nuisance." 


g 
"Ee's a 


“Tm just damn glad that I didn’t miss being 
part of the me generation.” 


“We went upstairs and the professor 
somehow managed to poke the bread 
pellet down the old man’s throat. I 
noted the time by my watch. ‘Let us 
retire to the street outside and observe," 
the professor 

“We went out and stood in the street. 
I was counting each minute aloud as it 
went by. And then—you won't believe 
this, gentlemen, but I swear it's exactly 
what happened— precisely on the dot of 
nine minutes, there was a thunderous 
bellow from inside the Sawkins house. 
‘The front door burst open and the old 
man himself rushed out into the street. 
"L want me a woman! he bellowed. 'I 
want me a woman and, by God, I'm 
goin’ to get me a woman!" 

“Mr. Sawkins ran, he actually ran, to 
the next-door house. He started banging 
on the door with his fists. ‘Open up, Mrs. 
Twitchell!’ he bellowed. ‘Come o 
beauty, open up and let's ‘ave а 
fun!" 


I caught a glimpse of the terrified 
face of Mrs. Twitchell ас the window. 
Then it went away. Mr. Sawkins, still 
bellowing, put his shoulder to the flimsy 
door and smashed the lock. He dived 
inside, We stayed out on the street, 
waiting for the next development. The 
professor was very excited. He was 
jumping up and down in his funny 
black boots and shouting, ‘We have a 
breakthrough! We've done it! We shall 
rejuvenate the world!” 

“Suddenly, piercing screams and yells 
came issuing from Mrs. Twitchell's 
house. Neighbors were beginning to 
gather on the street. “Go in and get ‘im!’ 
shouted the old daughter. ''Ees gone 
starkstarin mad!" Two men ran into 
the Twitchell house. There were sounds 
of a scuffle. Soon, out came the two men, 
frog-marching old Mr. Sawkins between 
them. ‘I ‘ad ‘er!’ he was yelling. ‘I ‘ad the 
old bitch good and proper! I near rattled 
"er to death At that point, the professor 
and I quietly left the scen 

I paused in my story. Seven ambassa- 
dors, the foreign minister of France, the 
French army general and the litle Jap- 
апезе man were all now leaning forward 
in their seats, their eyes upon ше. 

"Is this exactly what happened?" Sir 
Charles asked me. 

"Every word of it, sir, is the gospel 
wuth,” 1 licd. “When Professor Yousou- 
poff publishes his findings, the whole 
world will be reading what I have just 
told you. 

“So what happened next?" the Pe- 
ruvian ambassador asked. 
om then on, it was comparatively 
simple," I said. "Тһе professor conduct- 
ed a series of experiments designed to 
discover what the proper absolutely safc 
dose should be for a normal adult malc. 
For this, he used undergraduate volun- 
teers. And you can be quite sure, gen- 
tlemen, that he had no trouble getting 
young men to come forward. As soon as 


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the news spread around the university, 
there was a waiting list of over eight hun- 
dred. But to cut the story short, the pro- 
fessor finally demonstrated that the safe 
dose was no more than five of those tiny 
microscopic nuclei from the pomegran- 
ate seed. So, using calcium carbonate 
as a base, he manufactured a pill 
containing exactly this quantity of the 
magic substance. And he proved beyond 
any doubt that just one of these pills 
would, in predsely nine minutes, turn 
any man, even a very old man, into a 
marvelously powerful sex machine capa- 
ble of pleasuring his partner for six 
hours nonstop, without exception." 

Jott in Himmel!” shouted the Ger- 
man ambassador. “Ver can I get hold of 
ziss stuff" 

Suddenly, they were all speaking at 
the same time. Where could they get it? 
They wanted it now! How much did it 
cost? They would pay handsomelyl 

“I have some interesting news,” I said. 
and suddenly everyone became silent. 
The German ambassador cupped a hand 
behind his сағ. The Russian leaned for- 
ward in his seat. So did the rest of them. 
What I am about to tell you 
tremely confidential,” I said. "May I rely 
upon all of you to keep it to yourselves? 

There was a chorus of “Yes, yes! Of 
course! Absolutely! Carry on, young 
fellow!" 

“Thank you," I said. "Now, the point 
is this. As soon as I knew that 1 was 
going to Paris, I decided I simply must 
take with me a supply of these pills, 
especially for my father's great friend, 
Sir Charles Makepiece. 

" Sir Charles cried out 
"What a generous thought!" 

"Having assisted the professor at every 
stage.” 1 said, "I naturally knew exactly 
how to manufacture these pills. So I . . . 
well . . . I simply made them in his 
laboratory, cach day when he was out 
to lunch." Slowly. I reached behind me 
and took onc small round box from my 
tail-coat pocket. I placed it оп the low 
table. I opened the lid. And there, lying 
in its little nest of cotton wool, was a 
single scarlet pill. 

Everyone leaned forward to look. 

“Do you have тоге?” Sir Charles 
asked me. 

I fished in my tail-coat pockets and 
brought out nine more boxes. “There is 
one for each of you,” I said. 

Eager hands reached across, grabbing 
the little boxes. “I pay," said Mr. Mit- 
souko. "How much you want?” 

No," 1 said. “These are presents. Try 
them out, gentlemen. See what you 
thin! 
r Charles was studying the label on 
the box. "Ah-ha," he said. "I see you 
have your address printed here." 

That's just in case," I said. 

n case of what?” 

n case anyone wishes to get a second 
pill," I said. 


At that point, the ladies returned and 
each man in our group quickly and 
rather surreptitiously pocketed his pill- 
box. They stood up. They greeted their 
wives and I slipped quietly away. 

б 

That night, I slept well. I was sti 
fast asleep at 11 o'clock the next morn- 
ing when the sound of Madame Bois- 

in's fists hammering at my door jerked 
me awake. “Get up, Monsieur Cornel- 
jus!" she was shouti You must come 
down at once! People have been ringing 
my bell and demanding to see you since 
before breakfast!” 

I was dressed and downstairs in two 
minutes flat. I went to the front door and 
there, standing on the cobblestones of 
the sidewalk, were no fewer than seven 
men, none of whom I had ever seen be- 
fore. They made a picturesque little 
group in their many-colored fancy uni- 
forms with all manner of gilt and silver 
buttons on their jackets. 

They turned out to be embassy mes- 
sengers, and they came from the British. 
the German, the Russian, the Hungar- 
ian, the Italian, the Mexican and the 
Peruvian embassies. Each man carried a 
letter addressed to me. I accepted the 
letters and opened them on the spot. 
All of them said roughly the same thing: 
They wanted more pills. They begged 
for more pills. They instructed me to 
give the pills to the bearer of the letter. 

I told the messengers to wait on the 
street and I went back up to my room. 
‘Then I wrote the following message on 
each of the letters: Honored Sir, these 
pills are extremely expensive to manu- 
facture. I regret that in future, the 
cost of each pill will be 1000 francs 
In those days, there were 90 francs to 
the pound, which meant that I was 
asking exactly £50 sterling per pill. And 
£50 sterling in 1912 was worth maybe 
ten times as much as it is today. By 
today's standards, I was probably asking 
about £500 per pill. It was a ridiculous 
price, but these were wealthy men. They 
were also sexcrazy men. and as any 
sensible woman will tell you, a man who 
is very wealthy and grossly sex crazy both 
at the same time is the easiest touch in 
the world. I trotted downstairs again and 
handed the letters back to their respec- 
tive carriers and told them to deliver 
them to their masters. As I was doing 
this, three more messengers arrived, one 
from the Quai d'Orsay (the foreign min- 
ister), onc from the general at the minis- 
try of war and one from Mr. Mitsouko, 
nd I scribbled the same statement abou 
price on these last three letters. 

Before the day was done, I was rich. 
One by one, the messengers started 
trickling back from their respective em- 
bassies and ministries. They all carried 
precise orders and exact amounts of 
money, most of it in gold 20-franc pieces. 
‘This is how it went: 


Sir Charles Makepiece, 4 pills 
= 1000 francs 
‘The German ambassador, 8 pills 
= 8000 francs 
The Russian ambassador, 10 pills 
= 10,000 francs 
Тһе Hungarian ambassador, 3 pills 
= 3000 francs 
"The Peruvian ambassador, 2 pills 
= 2000 francs 
ап ambassador, 6 pills 
= 6000 francs 
The Italian ambassador, 4 pills. 
= 4000 francs 
‘The French foreign minister, 6 pills 


The Ме: 


= 6000 francs 
‘The army general, 3 pills 

= 3000 francs 
Mr. Mitsouko, 20 5 

= 20,000 francs 


Grand Total = 66,000 francs 


Sixty-six thousand francs! I was all of a 
sudden worth 3300 English pounds! It 
was incredible. 

D 

My business flourished. My ten ori; 
nal clients all whispered the great news 
to their own friends and those friends 
whispered it to other friends and in a 
month or so, a large snowball had been 
created. 1 spent half of each day making 
pills. 1 thanked heaven I had had the 
foresight to bring such a large quantity 
of powder from the Sudan in the first 
place. Rut I did have to reduce my price 
Not everyone was an ambassador or a 
foreign minister. and I found early on 
that a lot of people simply couldn't af- 
ford to pay my absurd fee of 1000 francs 
per pill. So 1 made it 250 instead. 

The money gushed in. 

By the time my 12 months in Paris were 
up, I had around 2,000,000 francs in 
the bank! That was £100,000! I was 
now nearly 18. І was rich. My year in 
France had shown me very clearly the 
path I wanted to follow in my life. I was 
a sybarite, and money is essential to а 
sybarite. It is the key of the kingdom. To 
which the carping reader will almost 
certainly reply, “You say you are with- 
out ambition, but do you not realize that 
the desire for wealth is in itself one of 
the most obnoxious ambitions of them 
all" This is not necessarily true. It is 
Ше manner which опе acquires 
wealth that determines whether or not 
it is obnoxious. As you can sce, 1 my- 
self am scrupulous about the methods I 
employ. I refuse to have anything to do 
with money-making unless the process 
obeys two golden rules. Fi it must 
amuse me tremendously. Second, it must 
give a great deal of pleasure to those 
from whom I extract the loot. This is a 
simple philosophy and I recommend it 
wholeheartedly to business tycoons, casi- 
no operators, Chancellors of the Excheq- 
uer and budget directors everywhere. 


287 


288 


( PLAYBOY POTPOURRI 


people, places, objects and events of interest or amusement 


CRIME MARCHES ON 
Mystery buffs who wish to supplement their whodunit library with a 
serious volume of research should order a copy of The Bibliography of 
Crime Fiction, а 697-page tome by Allen J. Hubin that’s available from 
Publishers, Inc, 243 12th Sreet, Drawer P, Del Mar, California 92014, 
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language from 1749 through 1975, it contains nothing but endless lists 
of titles, dates, publishers and authors. Bring your magnifying glass. 


A NURD IN THE HAND... . 


Know how to identify a Nurd? Well, he has big ears, a pudgy nose, pop- 
eyes and the ability to be pulled or pummeled any way you like and 
still resume his same dumb shape, ready to be mistreated again. 

To obtain your very own 514"high Nurd (they're filled with a non- 
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BEAR WITH US 
‘Tom Snyder adopted one as the Tomor- 
row show's mascot and Elvis wanted 
to be one when he belted out T'eddy Bear; 
yes, worn-out stuffed toys of all descrip- 
tion from moth-eaten elephants to the 
ubiquitous defurred bear have come out 
of the closet and are being immortalized 
in а 1980 “software security" calendar 
for adults called Old Friends. The J. R. 
Meyer Company, Route 1, Box 321, East 
Haddam, Connecticut 06123, is selling 
it for $5.95 to certified old softies like you. 


QUICK KIK 
Europeans have been riding them for cen- 
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NUCLEAR EXPOSURE 
Its the American way: A year 
Or so ago. we were sweating 
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entrepreneurs have already 
come out with two nuclear- 
industry games. Meltdown, 
"the ultimate nuclear game," 
is available from Sekunon 
Industries, 1823 Oxford Street. 
Rockford, Illinois 61108, 
for 58, postpaid. Contain- 
ment, “the game of nuclear- 
energy controversy, crisis and 
confrontation,” goes for 514 
sent to The O'Bryon Compa- 
P.O. Box 4093, Stockton 
fornia 95204. Some luck 
is involved in both, but 
probably no more than accom- 
panies the nuclear industry 


SIGNS OF THE TIMES 
As we all know. POVERTY sucks, 
CAVIAR 15 NECESSARY and one 
should то THINE OWN SELF BE 
INDULGENT. If you accept 

those statements as truths, you 
undoubtedly also believe 

that you should screw тик 
PROLETARIAT and buy a series 
of four glossy 16" x 20” 
black-and-white posters called 
Snobbism Reborn that 
Eduardo E. Latour & Associ- 
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McLean, Virginia 22101, is 
selling for $6 each, postpaid, 
or $20 for the series. As Zero 
Mostel once said, "When 
you've got it, flaunt it!” 


SEDIMENTAL 
JOURNEY 

The Victorian era may be 
gone, but inventions, such as 
the Decantavin, are still being 
made. To operate, you place 
an open boule of vintage red 
wine gently in its cradle and 
slowly turn the crank to 
decant the wine, leaving any 
sediment behind. Schae- 
fer's, 9965 Gross Point Road, 
Skokie, Illinois 60076, sells 
an English-made solid-brass 
Decantavin for $250, post- 
paid; a silver-plated one 
is $395; and a gold-plated 
one... . Well, if you have to 
ask, you can't afford it 


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JE you've been everywhere from Zamboanga to 
Timbuktu, here's your chance to visit the last 
frontier —Western Australia—and do it in style, 
staying аза paying guest at ranches, simple inns 
and luxe hotels while observing the curious 
fauna and flora t 
Travel, 55 West 4 
York 10036, is offering the trek next October 11 
to November 1 for only 53750 per person— 
plus air fare. You can be damn sure that no- 
body on your block will have been there first 


NEW PYRAMID TO EXPLORE 
In case you didn't know. a pyramid appears on 
every dollar bill. And if that isn't enough of 
а good thing, you can also buy an attractive 
5"-high acrylic sculpture of the Great Pyramid 
that glows in the dark and even has a spherical 
chamber by sending $25 to Pyraline Products, 
P.O. Box 1116, Falls Station, Niagara Falls 
New York 14303. Incidentally, there's a theory 
that anything placed in the spherical chamber 
will mummily instead of decompose. Oh, yeah! 


289 


PLAYBOY 


290 


SMILEYS PEOPLE 


(continued from page 208) 


“His complexion was like gray stone. His voice, too, 
was gray, and mournful as an undertakers.” 


mental accomplishments; and Smiley, һе 
knew, possessed it. "One Paddington 
Borough Library Card in the name of 
V. Miller, one box Swan Vesta matches 
partly used, overcoat left. One aliens 
registration card, number as reported, 
also in the name of Vladimir Miller. One 
bottle tablets, overcoat left. What would 
the tablets be for, sir, any views on that 
at all? Name of Sustac, whatever that is, 
to be taken two or three times a day 

“Heart,” said Sn a 

“And one receipt for the sum of thir- 
teen pounds from the Straight and 
Steady Minicab Service of Islington, 
North Опе 

“May I look?" Smiley, and the 
superintendent held it out so that Smiley 
could read the date and the driver's sig- 
nature, J. Lamb, in a copybook hand 
wildly underlined. 

The next bag contained a stick of 
school chalk, yellow and miraculously 
unbroken. The narrow end was smeared 
brown as if by a single stroke, but thc 
thick end was unused. 

"There's yellow chalk powder оп his 
left hand. too." Mr. Murgotroyd said. 
speaking for the first time. His complex- 
ion was like gray stone. His voice, too, 
was gray, and mournful as ап under- 
takers. "We did wonder whether he 
might be in the teaching line, actually,” 
Mr. Murgotroyd added, but Smiley, 
either by design or by oversight, did not 
answer Mr. Murgotroyd's implicit ques- 
tion, and the superintendent did not 
pursue it. 


And a second cotton handkerchief, 
proffered this time by Mr. M 
art blooded, part clean, and 
ironed into a sharp triangle for the top 
pocket. 

“Оп his way to a party, 
Mr. Murgotroyd said, th 
hope at all. 

"Crime and ops on the air, sir," a 
voice called from the front of the van. 

Without a word, the superintend- 
ent vanished into the darkness, leaving 
Smiley to the depressed gaze of Mr. 
Murgotroyd. 

"You a specialist of some sort, sir? 
Mr. Murgotroyd asked after a long, sad 
scrutiny of his gucst. 

No. No, I'm afraid not,” said Smiley. 
“Home Office, sir? 

, not Home Office, either,” said 
Smiley with a benign shake of his head, 
which somehow made him party to Mr, 
Murgotroyd's bewilderment. 

“My superiors are a little worried 
about the press, Mr. Smiley,” the super- 
intendent s. d into the 
van again. ng this 
way. sir." 

Smiley clambered quickly out. The 
two men stood face to face in the avenue. 

“You've been very kind,” Smiley said. 
“Thank you.” 

“Privilege,” said the superintendent. 

"You don't happen to remember 
which pocket the chalk was in, do yo 
Smiley asked. 

‘Overcoat left,” the superintendent rc- 
plied in some surprise. 


we wondered,” 
ime with no 


“Hey, it’s nearly midnight, girls. We're going to 
miss all the fun on Times Square!” 


And the searching of him—could you 
how you sce that, exactly?” 
t ume or didn't care to 
тиги him over. Knelt by him, fished for 
his wallet, pulled at his purse, Scau 
few objects as they did so. By then they'd 
had enough." 

“Thank you,” said Smil 
nd a moment lat 
his portly figure might have sug- 
gested him capable of, he had vanished 
among the trees. But not before the su- 
perintendent had shone the torch full 
upon his face, a thing he hadn't done 
till now for reasons of discretion. And 
taken an intense professional look at the 
legendary features, if only to tell his 
grandchildren їп his old age: how 
George Smil sometime chief of the 
Secret Service, by then retired, had one 
night come out of the woodwork to peer 
at some dead foreigner of his who had 
died in highly nasty circumstances. 

Not one face at all, actually, the su- 
perintendent reflected. Not when it was 
lit by the torch like that, indirectly from 
below. More your whole range of faces. 
More your patchwork of different ages, 
people and endeavors. Even—thought 
the superintendent—ol different faiths. 

"Ehe best I ever met,” old Mendel, 
the superintendent's onetime superior, 
had told him over а friendly pint not 
long ago. Mendel was retired now, like 
Smiley. But Mendel knew what he was 
talking about and didn't like funnies 
any better than the superintendent did— 
interfering la-dida amateurs most of 
them, and devious with it. But not 
Smiley. Smiley was different, Mendel had 
said. Smiley was the best—simply the 
best case шап Mendel had ever met— 
and old Mendel knew what he was talk- 
ing about. 

Ап abbey, the superintendent decided. 
That's what he was, an abbey. He would 
work that into his sermon the next time 
his turn came around. An abbey, made 
up of all sorts of conflicting ages and 
styles and convictions. The superintend- 
ent liked that metaphor the more he 
dwelt on it. He would wy it out on his 
wife when he got home: man as God's 
architecture, my dear, molded by the 
hand of ages, inf s striving and 
diversity. . . . But at that point, the su- 
perintendent laid a restrain 
upon his own rhetorical im; 
Maybe not, alter all, he thought. Maybe 


another thing about that 
face the superintendent. wouldn't easily 
forget. either. Later, he talked to old 
Mendel about it, as he talked to him 
later about lots of things. The moisture. 
He'd taken it for dew at first —yet it 
was dew, why was the superintendent's 
own face bone-dry? It wa: dew and it 
either, if his hunch was 
a thing that happened to 
the superintendent himself occasionally 


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PLAYBOY 


292 


nd happened to the lads, too, even the 
hardest; it crept up on them and the 
superintendent watched for it like a 
hawk. Usually in kids’ cases, where the 
pointlessness suddenly got through to 
you—your child batterings, your erimi- 
nal assaults, your infant rapes. You 
didn't break down or beat your chest ог 
any of those histrionics. No. You just 
happened to put your hand to your face 
and find it damp and you wondered 
w the hell ist bothered to die for, 
if he ever died at all. 

And when you had that mood on you 
the superintendent told himself with a 
slight shiver, the best thing you could 
do was give yourself 2 couple of days off 
and take the wife to Margate, or before 
you knew where you were, you found 
yourself getting a little too rough with 
people for your own good health. 

“Sergeant!” the superintendent yelled. 

The bearded figure loomed before 
him. 

“Switch the lights on and get it back 
to normal." the superintendent ordered. 
"And ask Inspector Hallowes to slip up 
here and oblige. At the double." 

. 

They had unchained the door to him. 
they had questioned him even before 
they took his coat: tersely and intently. 
Were there any compromising materials 
on the body, George? Any that would 
link him with us? My God, you've been 
a time! They had shown him where to 
wash, forgetting that he knew already 
They had sat him in an armchair and 
there Smiley remained, humble and dis- 
carded, while Oliver Lacon, Whitehall's 


wled the threadbare carpet like a 
man made restless by his conscience. and 
Lauder Strickland said it all again in 15 
different ways to 15 different people, 
over the old upright telephone in the 
far corner of the room—"Then get me 
back to police liaison, woman, at 
once”—either bullying or fawning, de. 
pending on rank and dout. The super- 
intendent was a life ago, but in t 
minutes, The flat smelled of old nappies 
and stale cigarettes and was on the top 
floor of a scrolled Edwardian apartment 
house not 200 yards from Hampstead 
Heath. In Smiley's mind, visions of Vlad- 
imir's burst face mingled with these pale 
faces of the living, yet death was not a 


shock to him just now but merely an 
affirmation that his own existence, too, 
was dwindling: that he was living against 


the odds. He sat without expectation, He 
sat like an old man at a country railway 
station, watching the express go by. But. 
watching all the same. And remember 
ing old journeys. 

This is how crises alway ‚һе 
thought; ragtag conversations with no 
center. One шап on the telephone, 
other dead, a third prowling. Th 
ous idleness of slow motio 


wer 


асгу- 


He peered around, trying to fix his 
mind on the decaying things outside 
himself, Chipped fire extinguishers, 
Ministry of Works issue, Prickly brown 
solas—the stains a little worse. But safe 
flats, unlike old generals, never die, he 
thought. They don’t even fade away. 

On the table before him the cum- 
bersome apparatus of agent hospitality, 
there to revive the unrevivable guest 
Smiley took the inventory. In a bucket 
of melted ice, one bottle of Stolichnaya 
vodka, Vladimirs recorded favorite 
brand. Salted herrings, still in their tin. 
Pickled cucumber, bought loose and al- 
ready drying. One mandatory loaf ol 
Маск br e every Russian Smiley 
had known, the old boy could scarcely 
drink his vodka without it. Two Marks 
& Spencer vodka glasses, could be clcan- 
er. One packet of French cigarettes, un- 
opened: If he had come, he would have 
smoked the lot; he had none with him 
when he died. 

Vladimir had none with him when һе 
died, he repeated to himself, and made 
a little mental stammer of it, a knot in 
his handkerchiel. What am I doing here? 
he wondered yet again. What ceremony 
am I supposed to be attending? In 
his memory, Smiley secretly replayed 
Lacon's fervid phone call of two hours 
bef 

105 an emergency, George. You re- 
member Vladimir? George, are you 
awake? You remember the old general. 
George? Used to live in Paris? 

Yes, I remember the general, he had 
replied. Yes, Oliver, I remember Vladi- 
mir. 

We need someone from his past, 
George. Someone who knew his little 
ways, can identify him, damp down po- 
tential scandal. We need you, George. 
‘ow. George, wake up. 

He had been trying to. Just as he had 
been trying to transfer the receiver to 
his better car and sit upright in a bed 
too large lor him. He was sprawling in 
the cold space deserted by his wife, be 
cause that was the side where the tele- 
phone was. 

You mean he's been shot? Smiley had 
repeated. 

George, why can't you listen? Shot 
dead. This evening. George, for heaven's 
e, wake up; we need you! 

‘Oli whats going on?" Smiley 
ked. “Why did you need me: 
"Only one who knew him, for a start. 
«Мапа. are you nearly done? He's 
port announcers, 
stupid grin 


St 
like one of those ai 
he told Smiley with 


“Never done.” 

You could break, Oliver, thought 
Smiley, noticing the estr: 
Lacon's eyes as he came under the light. 
You've had too much, he thought in un 
expected sympathy. We both һауе. 

From the kitchen, the myst 
Mostyn appeared with tea: an car 


agement of 


ious 
t 


contemporary-looking child with flared 
trousers and а mane of brown hair. See 
ing him set down the tray. 5miley finally 
асе him in the terms of his own past. 
Ann had had a lover like him once, an 
ordinand from Wells Theological Col- 
lege. She gave him a lilt down the M4 
and tater chimed to have saved him 
from going queer. 

“What section are you in, Mostyn?” 
Smiley asked him quietly 

"Oddbins, sir." He crouched, level to 


the table, displaying an Asian supple- 
ness. "Since your day, actually, sir. It's 
а sort of operational pool. Mainly pro- 


bationers waiting for overseas postings. 

“I sce. 

“L heard you lecture at the Nursery at 
Sarratt, sir. On the new entrants’ course. 
‘Agent Handling in the Field. ht was 
the best thing of the whole two years." 

“Thank you.” 

But Mostyn's calf eyes stayed on h 
intently. 
hank you," said Smiley again. 
Milk, sir, or lemon, sir? The lemon 

for him," Mostyn added in à low 
aside, as if that were a recommendation 
for the lemon. 

Strickland had rung off and was fid- 
dling with the waistband of his trousers, 
making it looser or tighter. 

Yes, well, we have to temper truth, 
George!” Lacon bellowed suddenly, in 
what seemed to be a declaration of 
personal faith. "Sometimes people are 
innocent, but the circumstances can 
make them appear quite oth There 
was never a golden age. There's only a 
golden mean. We have to re 
that, Chalk it on our shaving mirrors. 

Suickland was waddling down the 
room: "You. Mostyn. Young Nigel. You, 


wis 


ember 


Mostyn lifted his grave brown eyes in 
reply. 

"Commit nothing to paper whatever," 
Strickland warned him, wiping the back 
of his nd on his mustache as il one or 
the other were wet. "Н That's an 
order from on high. There was no en- 
counter, so you've no call to fill in the 
usual encounter sheet or any of that 
stuff. You've nothing to do but keep 
your mouth shut. Understand? You'll 
account for your expenses as general 
petty-cash disbursements. To me, di 
No file reference. Understand?" 

“I understand." said Mostyn. 

And no whispered confidences to 
those little tarts in Registry, or FH know. 
Hear me? Give us some t 

Something happened inside 
Smiley when he һеш 
Out of the formless indirection ol these 
dialogs, out of the horror of the scene 
upon the heath, а single shocking truth 
struck him. He felt a pull in his chest 
somewhere and he had the sensati 
momentary disconnection from the room 


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294 


and the three haunted people he had 
found in it. Encounter sheet? No encoun- 
ter? Encounter between Mostyn and 
Vladimir? God in heaven, he thought, 
squaring the mad circle. The Lord pre- 
serve, созѕе! and protect us. Mostyn was 
Vladimir's case officer! That old man, a 
general, once our glory, and they farmed 
him out to this uncut boy! Then another 
lurch, more violent still, as his surprise 
was swept aside in an explosion of in- 
ternal fury. He felt his lips tremble, he 
felt his throat seize up in indignation, 
blocking his words, and when he turned 
to Lacon, his spectacles seemed to be 
misting over from the heat. 

“Oliver, I wonder if you'd mind finally 
telling me why you brought me here,” 
he heard himself suggesting, hardly 
above a murmur. 

Reaching out an arm, he removed the 
vodka bottle from its bucket. Still un- 
bidden, he broke the cap and poured 
himself a rather large tot. 

“All right, Mostyn, tell him!" Lacon 
boomed suddenly. “Tell him in your 
own words.” 

. 

Mostyn sat with a quite particular 
stillness. He spoke softly. To hear him, 
Lacon had withdrawn to a corner and 
bunched his hands judicially under his 
nose. But Strickland had sat himself bolt 
upright and seemed, like Mostyn him- 
self, to be patrolling the boys words 
for lapses. 

"Vladimir telephoned the Circus at 
lunchtime today. sir." Mostyn began, 
leaving some unclarity as to which “sir 
he was addressing. “I happened to be 
Oddbins duty officer and took the call.” 

Strickland corrected him with unpleas- 
ant haste: “You mean yesterday. Be pre- 
cise, can't you?" 

"I'm sorry, sir. Yesterday," said Mos- 
tyn. 

“Well, get it right," Strickland warned. 

To be Oddbins duty officer, Mostyn 
explained, meant little more than cover- 
ing the lunch-hour gap and checking 
desks and waste bins at closing time. Odd- 
bins personnel were too junior for night 
duty, so there was just this roster for 
lunchtimes and evenings. 

And Vladimir, he repeated, came 
through in the lunch hour, using the 
lifeline. 

"Lifeline?" Smiley repeated іп bewil- 
derment. “I don't think I quite know 
what you mean." 

“It's the system we have for keeping 
in touch with dead agents, si said 
Mostyn, then put his fingers to his tem- 
ple and muttered, “Oh, my Lord.” He 
started again: "I mean agents who have 
run their course but are still on the wel- 
fare roll, sir,” said Mostyn unhappily. 

“So he rang and you took the call,” 
said Smiley kindly. “What time was 
that?” 

“One-fifteen exactly, sir. Oddbins is 
like a sort of Fleet Street newsroom, you 


see. There are these twelve desks and 
there's the section head's hen coop at the 
end, with a glass partition between us 
and him. The lifeline's in a locked box 
and normally it’s the section head who 
keeps the key. But in the lunch hour, he 
gives it to the duty dog. I unlocked the 
box and heard this foreign voice saying, 
“Hullo.” 

"Get on with it, Mostyn,” Strickland 
growled. 

“I said ‘Hullo’ back, Mr. Smiley. 
That's all we do. We don't give the num- 
ber. He said, “This is Gregory calling 
for Мах. 1 have something very urgent 
for him. Please get me Max immediate- 
ly' I asked him where he was calling 
from, which is routine, but he just said 
he had plenty of change. We have no 
brief to trace incoming calls and, any- 
way, it takes too long. There's an electric 
card selector by the lifeline, it’s got all 
the work names on it. 1 told him to 
hold on and typed out "Gregory. That's 
the next g we do after asking where 
they're calling from. Up it came on the 
selector. ‘Gregory equals Vladimir, ex- 
agent, ex-Soviet general, ex-leader of the 
Riga Group. Then the file reference. I 
typed out ‘Max’ and found you, sir.” 
Smiley gave a small nod. “ "Мах equals 
Smiley.’ Then I typed out ‘Riga Group’ 
and realized you were their last vicar.” 

"Their vicar?” said Lacon, as if he 
had detected heresy. “Smiley their last 
vicar, Mostyn? What оп earth——" 

“I thought you had heard all this, 
Oliver," Smiley said, to cut him off. 

"Only the essence," Lacon retorted. 
"In a crisis, one deals only with essen- 
tials.” 

In his pressed-down Scottish, without 
letting Mostyn from his sight, Strickland 
provided Lacon with the required ex- 
planation: “Organizations such as the 
group had by tradition two case officers 
The postman, who did the nuts and 
bolts for them, and the vicar, who stood 
above the fight. Their father figure,” he 
said, and nodded perfunctorily toward 
Smiley. 

“And who was carded as his most re- 
cent postman, Mostyn?” Smiley asked, ig- 
noring Strickland entirely. 

"Esterhase, sir. Work name Hector. 

"And he didn't ask for him?" said 
Smiley to Mostyn, speaking straight past 
Strickland yet again. 

"I'm sorry, sir?" 

"Vladimir didn't ask for Hector? His 
postman? He asked for me. Max. Only 
Max. You're sure of that?” 

“He wanted you and nobody else, sir,” 
said Mostyn earnestly. 

“Did you make notes?" 

“The lifeline is taped automatically, 
sir. It's also linked to a speaking clock, 
so that we get the exact timing as well. 

“Damn you, Mostyn, that's а confiden- 
tial matter," Strickland snapped. "Mr. 
Smiley may be a distinguished ex-mem- 
ber, but he’s no longer family.” 


"So what did you do next, Mostyn?” 
Smiley asked. 

"Standing instructions gave mc very 
little latitude, sir," Mostyn replied, show- 
ing once again, like Smiley, a stu 
disregard for Strickland. “Both ‘Smiley’ 
and ‘Ester: were waitlisted, which 
meant that they could be contacted only 
through the fifth floor. My section head 
was out to lunch and not due back till 
two-fifteen.” He gave a shrug. "I stalled. 
I told him to try again at two-thirty." 

Smiley turned to Strickland. “I 
thought all the émigré files һай been 
consigned to special keeping?" 

“Correa 

“Shouldn't there have been something 
on the selector card to that effect?" 

“There should and there wasn't," 
Strickland said. 

“That is just the point, sir,” Mostyn 
agreed, talking only to Smiley. “At that 
stage, there was no suggestion that Vladi- 
mir or his group was out of bounds. From 
the card, he looked just like any other 
pensioned-off agent raising a wind. I as- 
sumed he wanted a bit of money, 
pany, or something. We get quite a few 
of those. Leave him to the section head, 
1 thought.” 

“Who shall remain nameless, Mostyn,” 
Strickland said. "Remember that. 

It crossed Smiley's mind at this point 
that the reticence in Mostyn—his air of 
distastefully stepping round some dan- 
gerous secret all the time he spoke— 
might have something to do with pro- 
tecting a negligent superior. But Mos- 
tyn's next words dispelled this notion, 
for he went out of his way to imply that 
his superior was at fault. 

“The trouble was, my section head 
didn’t get back from lunch till three- 
fifteen, so that when Vladimir rang in at 
two-thirty, 1 had to put him off agai 
He was furious," said Mostyn. "Vladimir 
was, I mean. I asked whether there was 
anything I could do in the meantime 
and he said, ‘Find Max. Just find me 
Max. Tell Max I have been in touch 
with certain friends, also through friends 
with neighbors.’ There were a couple of 
notes on the card about his word code 
and І saw that neighbor meant Soviet 
Intelligence.” 

A mandarin impassivity had descend- 
ed over Smiley's face. The earlier emo- 
tion was quite gone. 

“AIL of which you duly reported to 
your section head at three-fifteen?” 

“Yes, si 

“Did you play him the tape?” 

“He hadn't time to hear it," said Mos- 
туп mercilessly. "He had to leave straight 
away for a long weekend. 

The stubborn ty of Mostyn's 
speech was now so evident that Strick- 
land felt obliged to fill in the gaps. 

“Yes, well, there's no question but that 
if we're looking for scapegoats, George, 
that section head of Mostyn's made а 


bre 


Id acquaintance РЇЇ never forget, Miss Bellini.” 


“You're an au 


295 


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1 fool of himself, no ques- 
tion at all,” Strickland declared bright 
ly. “He omitted to send for Vladimi 
papers—which would not, of course, 
have been forthcoming. He omitted to 
acquaint himself with standing orders on 
the handling of émigrés. He also appears 
to have succumbed to a severe dose of 
weekend fever, leaving no word of his 
whereabouts. God help him on Monda 
morning, says I. Oh, yes. Come, Mostyn, 
we're waiting, b 

Mostyn obediently took back the stor 
Vladimir rang for the third aud last 
ne at three-forty-three, sir,” he said, 
speaking суеп more slowly than befor 
“It should have been quarter to four, 
but he jumped the gun by two minutes." 
Mostyn by this time had a rudimentary 
brief from his section head, which he 
now r ley: "He called it a 
bromide job. 1 was to find out what, if 
anything. the old boy really wanted and, 
if all else failed, make a rendezvous with 
him to cool him down. I was to give him 
a drink, sir, pat him on the back and 
promise nothing except to раз on what- 
ever message he brought m 

"And the "neighbors?" Smiley asked. 
“They were not an issue to your section 
head?” 

“He 


ather thought that was just a bit 
of аре! rionics, sir." 

“I вес. Yes, I sec." Yet his eyes, ii 
contradiction, closed completely for а 
So how did the dialog with 
limir go this third time?" 

"According to Vladimir, it was to be 
an immediate meeting or noth 
tried out the alternatives on him as i 
structe z is it money 
you want? Surely it сап wait till Moi 
day'—but by then, he was shouting at me 
down the phone. ‘A meeting or nothing. 
Tonight or nothing. Moscow rules. 1 
sist. Moscow rules. Tell this to Max. Tell 
him I have two proofs and can bring 
them with me. Then perhaps he will 
sec mi 

Lacon, who had stayed uncharacter- 
stically quiet these last minutes, now 
chimed in: "There's an important point. 
here, George. The Circus were not the 
suitors here. He was. The ex-agent. He 
was doing all the pressing, making all 
the running. If hed accepted our su 
gestion, written out his infor 
none of this need ever have happened. 


moment. * 


vi 


He brought it on himsell entirely. 
George, 1 you take the point! 
Strickland was lighting himself a fresh 


cigarette. 
“Whoever heard of Moscow rules in 
the middle of bloody Hampstead, апу- 


way?" Strickland asked, waving out the 

match. 

Bloody Hampstead is 

quietly. 

Mostyn, wrap the story up." 

commanded, blushing scarlet. 
They had agreed a time, Mostyn re- 

sumed woodenly, now staring at his left 


ght," Smiley 


Lacon 


palm as if he were reading his own for- 
tune in it: 7" Ten-twenty, sir. 

They had agreed Moscow rules, he 
said, and the usual contact procedures, 
which Mostyn had established ier іп 
the afternoon by consulting the Oddbin 
encounter index. 

“And what were the contact proce- 
dures, exactly?” Smiley asked. 
A copybook rendezvous, sir," Mostyi 
replied. “Тһе Sarratt training course all 
over again, sir." 
felt suddenly crowded by the 
intimacy of Mostyn's respectlulness. Не 
did not wish to be this boy's hero, or to 
be caressed by his voice, his gaze, his 
"sir"s. He was not prepared for the clau 
wophobic admiration of this stranger. 

"There's a tin pavilion on Hampstead 
Heath, ten minutes’ walk from East 
Heath Road, overlooking a games field 
on the south side of the avenue, sir. The 
safety signal was one new drawing pin 
shoved high in the first wood support on 
the left as you entered.” 

"And the 
asked. 

But he knew the answer alrcady. 

“A yellow chalk mark,” said Mostyn. 
1 gather yellow was the sort of Group 
trademark from the old days.” He had 
adopted a tone of ending. “I put up the 
pin and came back here and waited. 
When he didn't show up. I thought, 
If he's secrecy mad. ТЇЇ have to go up to 
the hat again and check out his counter- 
signal, then ГЇ know whether he's 
round and proposes to try the fallback.” 


“A car pickup near Swiss Cottage un- 
derground at elevendorty, sir. 1 
about to go out and take a look when 
Mr. Strickland rang through and ordered 
me to sit tight until further orders. 
Smiley assumed he had finished, but this 
was not quite true. Seeming to forget 
everyone but himsell, Mostyn slowly 
shook his pale, handsome head. "I never 
met him,” he said, in slow amazement. 
“He was my first agent, I never met 
him, I'll never know what he was trying 
to tell me,” he said. “Му first agent, and 
he's dead. It's incredible. I feel like a 
complete Jonah.” His head continued 
shaking long after he had finished. 

Lacon added a brisk postscript: “Yes, 
well, Scotland Yard has a computer these 
days, George. The Heath Patrol found 
the body and cordoned off the area and 
the moment the name was fed into the 
computer, a ame up or a lot of 
digits or something. and immediately 
they knew he was on our special-watch 
list. From then on, it went like clock- 
work. The commissioner phoned the 
Home Office, the Home Office phoned 
the Circus——" 

"And you phoned me,” said Smiley. 

. 

Smiley stood at the mouth of Ше ave- 
nue, gazing into the tunnel of beech 
trees as they sank away from him like a 


gi 


retreating army into the mist. The dark 
ness had departed reluctantly, leaving an 
indoor gloom. It could have been dusk 
already: teatime in an old country house. 
The streetlights either side of him were 
poor candles, illuminating nothing. The 
air felt warm and heavy. Не had expect- 
ed police still, and a roped-off area. He 
had expected journalists or curious by- 
standers. It never happened, he told 
himself, as he started slowly down the 
slope. No sooner had I left the scene 
than Vladimir clambered merrily to his 
feet, stick in hand, wiped off the grue- 
some make-up and skipped away with 
his fellow actors for a pot of beer at the 
police station. 
Stick in hand, he repeated to himself, 
remembering something the superintend- 
ent had said to him. Left hand or right 
hand? "There's yellow chalk powder on 
his left hand, too," Mr. Murgotroyd һай 
said inside the Thumb and first 
two fingers. 

He advanced and the avenue ened 
round him, the mist thickened. His 
footsteps echoed tinnily ahead of him. 
Twenty yards higher. brown sunlight 
burned like a slow bonfire in its own 
smoke. But down here in the dip. the 
mist had collected in a cold fog. and 
Vladimir was very dead after all. He 
saw tire marks where rhe police cars had 
ked. He noticed the absence of leaves 
nd the of the 
gravel. What do they do? he wondered 
Hose the gravel down? Sweep the leaves 
into more plastic pillowcases? 

His tiredness had given way to a new 
and mysterious clarity. He continued up 
the avenue wishing Vladimir good morn 
ing and good night and not fecling а 
fool for doing so. thinking intently 
about drawing pins and chalk and 
French cigarettes and Moscow rules, 
looking for а tin pavilion by a playing 
field. Take it in sequence, he told him- 
self, Take it from the beginning. He 
reached an intersection of paths and 
crossed it, still climbing. To his right, 
goal posts appeared, and beyond them 
a green pavilion, apparently empty. He 
started across the field, rain water seep- 
ing into his shoes. Behind the hut ran a 
steep mudbank scoured with child 
slides. He climbed the bank, entered a 
coppice and kept dimbing. The fog had 
not penetrated the tees and by the time 
he reached the brow, 
‘There was still no one in sight. Return- 
ing, he approached the pavilion through 
the trees, It was a tin box, no more, with 
one side open to the field. The only 
furniture was a rough ach 
slashed and written on with knives, the 
only occupant a prone figure stretched 
on it, with a blanket pulled over his 
head and brown boots protruding. 
For an undisciplined moment, Smiley 
wondered whether he, too, had had his 
face blown oft. Girders held up the roof; 


unnatural cleanness 


wood b. 


297 


PLAYBOY 


298 


earnest moral statements enlivened the 
flaking green paint, "Punk is destructive 
Society does not need it.” The assertion 
caused him a moment's indecision. “Oh, 
but society docs," he wanted to reply; 
“society is an association of minorities. 
The drawing pin was where Mostyn s: 
it was, at head height су, in the best 
dition of regularity, its Circus- 

iss head as new and as unmarked 
as the boy who had put it there. 

Proceed to the rendezvous, it said; no 
danger sighted. 

Moscow rules, thought Smiley yet 
again. Moscow, where it could take a 
fieldman three days to post a letter to a 
safe address. Moscow, where all minori 
ties are punk. 

Tell him 1 have two proofs and can 
bring them with me... . 

Vladimir's chalked acknowledgment 
ran close beside the pin, a wavering yel- 
low worm of a message scrawled all down 
the post. Perhaps the old man was wor- 
ried about rain, thought Smiley. Perhaps 
he was afraid it could wash his mark 
away. Or perhaps in his emotional state 
he just leaned too heavily on the chalk. 
A meeting or nothing, he had told 
Mostyn. Tonight or nothing. . . . Tell 
him I have two proofs and can bring 
them with me. . . . Nevertheless, only 
the vigilant would ever have noticed 
that mark, heavy though it was, or 
the shiny drawing pin, either, and not 
even the vigilant would have found 
them odd, for on Hampstead Heath, 
people post 8 and messages to cach 


other ceaselessly, and not all of them 
are 


spies, by any means. Some are 
lren, some are tramps, some are 
believers in God and organizers of ch: 
table walks, some have lost pets and some 
are looking for variations of love and 
having to proclaim their needs from a 
hilltop. Not all of them, by any means, 
get their faces blown off at point-blank 
range by a Moscow Center weapon. 

And the purpose of this acknowledg- 
ment? In Moscow, when Smiley from his 
desk in London had had the ultimate 
responsibility for Vladimir's case—in 
Moscow, these signs were devised for 
agents who might disappear from hour 
to hour; they were the broken twigs 
along a path that could always be thei 
last. 1 see no danger and am proceeding 
as instructed to the agreed rendezvous, 
read Vladimir's Jast—and fatally mis- 
taken—message to the living world. 

Leaving the hut, Smiley moved a 
short distance back along the route he 
had just come. And as he walked, he 
meticulously called to mind the superin- 
tendents reconstruction of Vladimir's 
last journey, drawing upon his memory 
as if it were an archive. 

Those rubber overshoes are a god- 
send, Mr. Smiley,” the superintendent 
d declared piously: “North British 
Century, diamond-pattern soles, sir, and 
barely walked on—why, you could fol- 


low hi 
had to! 

"I'll give you the authorized version,” 
the superintendent had said, speaking 
fast because they were short of time 
"Ready, Mr. Smiley?" 

“Ready,” Smiley had said. 

The superintendent changed his tone 
of voice. Conversation was one thing. 
evidence another. As he spoke, he shone 
his torch in phases onto the wet gravel 
of the roped-of area. A lecture with 
magic lantern, Smiley had thought: lor 
two pins, I'd have taken notes. "Here һе 
is, coming down the hill now, sir. Sce 
him there? Normal pace, nice heel and 
toe movement, normal progress, every- 
thing aboveboard. See, Mr. Smiley? 

Mr. Smiley had seen. 

"And the stick mark there, do you, i 
his right hand, sir?" 

Smiley had seen that, too, how the 
rubber-ferruled walking stick had left a 
deep rip with every second footprint. 

"Whereas, of course, he had the stick 
in his left when he was shot, right? You 
saw that, too, sir, 1 noticed. Happen to 
know which side his bad leg was at all, 
sir, if he had one: 

The righ Smiley had said. 

‘Ah. Then, most likely, the right was 
the side he normally held the stick, 
well Down here, please, sir, that's the 
way! Walking nora suill, please note,” 
the superintendent had added, making 
arare slip of distraction. 

For five more paces, the regular di 
mond imprint, heel and toe, had contin- 
ued undisturbed in the beam of the 
superintendent's torch. Now, by day- 
light, Smiley saw only the ghost of them. 
The rain, other feet and the tire tracks 
rge parts to 
disappear. But by night, at the superin- 
tendent's lantern show, һе had seen them 
vividly, as vividly as he saw the plastic- 
covered corpse in the dip below them, 
where the trail had ended. 

"Now," the superintendent had de- 
clared with satisfaction, and halted, the 
cone of his torch beam resting on a sin- 
gle scufied area of ground. 

“How old did you say he was, sir 
superintendent asked. 

“I didn't, but he owned to sixty 

“Plus your recent heart attack, I gath 
ег. Now, sir. First he stops. In sharp 
order. Don't ask me why; perhaps he was 
spoken to. My guess is he heard some- 
thing. Behind him. Notice the way the 
pace shortens, notice the position of the 
feet as he makes the half-turn, looks over 
his shoulder or whatever? Anyway, he 
turns, and that’s why 1 say "behind him." 
And whatever he saw or didn't see—or 
—he decides to rui 
ОЙ he goes, look!" the superintendent 
urged, with the sudden enthusiasm of the 
sportsman. “Wider stride, heels not h 
ly on the ground. A new print entirely, 
nd going for all he's worth. You can 
even see where he shoved himself olt 


a through a football crowd if you 


ot illicit cyclists had caused la 


the 


thee: 
now by daylight, Smiley no 
with any certainty could sec, but 
he had seen last night—and іп his mem- 
ory saw again this morning—the sudden 
desperate gashes of the ferrule thrust 
downward, then thrust at an angle. 

ү was" Ше superintendent 
commented quietly, “whatever killed 
him was out in front, wasn't ot be- 


It was РАТ thought Smiley now, with 
the advantage of the intervening hours. 
"They drove him, he thought, trying with- 
out success to recall the Sarratt jargon 
for this particular technique. They knew 
his route and they drove him. The ht- 
ener behind the target drives him for- 
ward, the finger man loiters ahead 
undetected till the target blunders into 
him. For it was a truth known also to 
Moscow Center murder teams that even 
the oldest hands will spend hours worry 
ing about their backs, their flanks, the 
cars that pass and the cars that don't, the 
streets they cross and the houses that the 
enter. Yet still fail, when the moment is 
upon them, to recognize the danger that 
greets them face to face. And if the quar- 
ry changes direction—turns and runs 
back? Then the frightener turns finger 
man and does the job himself. 

“Still running," the superintendent 
said, moving steadily nearer the body 
down the hill. "Notice how his pace gets 
a little longer because of the steeper 
gradient now? Erratic, too, see that? Feet 
flying all over the shop. Running for 
dear life. Literally. And the walking 
stick still in his right hand. See him veer- 
ing now, moving toward the verge? Lost. 
his bearings, I wouldn't wonder. 
we go. Explain that, if you can!” 

The torch beam rested on a patch of 
footprints dose together, five or si: 
them, all in a very small space at the 
edge of the grass between two high trees. 

"Stopped again," the superintendent 
announced. "Not so much a total stop, 
perhaps, more your sammer. Don't 
ask me why. Maybe he just wrong- 
footed himself, Maybe he was worried to 
find himself so close to the trees. Maybe 
his heart got him, if you tell me it was 
dickey. Then oll he goes, same as before." 

“With the stick in his left hand, 
Smiley had said quietly. 

“Why? That's what I ask myself, sir, 
but perhaps you people know the а 


swer Why? Did he hear something 
again? Remember something? Why— 
when you 


pause. do а duck-shulll 
and th on ag 
anns of whoever shot 
course, wl 
took him ther 
trees, pe 
Any expl 
street, Mr. 
1 with that questic 


change hands, 
Straight into the 
Unless, of 


en rui 


a still ringing 


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ived at last 
embryo un- 


in Smiley's ears, they had 
at the body, floating like a 
der its plastic film. 

But Smiley, on this morning after, 

stopped short of the dip. Instead, by 
placing his sodden shoes as best he could 
upon each spot exactly, he set about 
trying to imitate the movements the old 
man might have made. And since Smiley 
did all this in slow motion, and with 
every appearance of concentration, un- 
der the eye of two trousered ladies walk- 
ing their Alsatians, he was taken for an 
adherent of the new fad in Chinese mar- 
al exercises and accounted mad. 
First he put his feet side by side and 
pointed them down the hill. Then he 
put his left foot forward and moved h 
right foot round until the toe pointed 
directly toward a spinney of young sap- 
lings As he did so, his right shoulder 
followed naturally, and his instinct told 
him that this would be the likely mo- 
ment for Vladimir to transfer the stick to 
his left hand. But why? As the superin- 
tendent had also asked, why transfer the 
stick at all? Why, in this most extreme 
moment of his Ше, why solemnly move а 
walking stick from the right hand to the 
left? Certainly not to defend himsel{— 
since, as Smiley remembered, he was 
right-handed! To defend himself, he 
would only have seized the stick more 
firmly. Or clasped it with both of his 
hands. like a club. 

Was it in order to leave his right hand 
free? But free for what? 

Aware this time of being observed, 
Smiley peered sharply behind him and 
saw two small boys in blazers who had 
paused to watch this round little man in 
spectacles performing strange antics with 
his feet, He glowered at them in his most 
schoolmasterly manner and they moved 
hastily on. 

To leave his right hand free for what? 
Smiley repeated to himself. And why 
start running again a moment later? 

Vladimir turned to the right, thought 
Smiley, once again matching his action to 
the thought. Vladimir turned to the 
right. He faced the spinney, he put his 
stick in his left hand. For a moment, 
according to the superintendent, he 
stood still, Then he ran on. 

Moscow rules, Smiley thought, staring 
at his own right hand. Slowly he lowered 
it into his тайпа pocket. Which was 
empty, as Vladimir's righthand coat 
pocket was also empty. 

Had he meant to write a message, per- 
haps Smiley was teasing himself with the 
theory he was determined to hold at bay. 
To write a message with the chalk. for 
€? Had he recognized his pursuer 
nd wished to chalk a name somewhere, 
or a sign? But what on? Not on these wet 
tree trunks, for sure. Not on the clay, the 
aves, the gravel! Looki 
miley became aware of a peculiar 
feature of his location. Here, almost be- 


instan 


tween two trees, at the very edge of the 
avenue, at the point the fog was ap- 
proaching its thickest, he was аз good as 
out of sight. The avenue descended, yes, 
and lifted ahead of him. But it also 
curved, and from where he stood, the 
upward line of sight in both directions 
was masked by tree trunks and a dense 
thicket of saplings. Along the whole path 
of Vladimir's last frantic journey—a path 
he knew well, had used for similar meet- 
ings—this was the one point, Smiley rea 
ized with increasing satisfaction, where 
the fleeing man was out of sight from 
both ahead of him and behind him. 

And had stopped. 

Had freed his right hand. 

Had put it—let us say—in his pocket. 

For his heart tablets? No. Like the yel- 
low chalk and the matches, they were in 
his left pocket, not his right. 

For something—let us say—that was 
no longer in his pocket when he was 
found dead. 

For what, then? 

Tell him I have two proofs and can 
bring them with me. Then perhaps 
he will see me. . . . This is Gregory ask- 
ing for Max. I have something for him, 
please... . 

Proofs. Proofs too precious to post. He 
was bringing something. Two some- 
things. Not just in his head—in his pock- 
ct. And was playing Moscow rules. 
Rules that had been drummed into the 
general [rom the very day of his recruit- 
ment as a defector in place. By Smiley 
himself, no less, as well as his case oficer 
on the spot. Rules that had been invent- 
ed for his survival; and the survival of 
his network. Smiley felt the excitement 
seize his stomach like a nausea. Moscow 
rules decree that if you physically carry 
a message, you must also carry the means 
to discard it! That, however it is dis- 
guised or concealed—microdot, secret 
writing, undeveloped film, any one of 
the hundred risky, finicky ways—still, as 
an object, it must be the first and light- 
est thing that comes to hand, the least 
conspicuous when jettisoned! 

Such as a medicine bottle full of tab- 
lets, he thought, calming a little. Such 
as a box of matches. 

One box Swan Vesta matches partly 
used, overcoat left, he remembered. A 
smoker's match, note well. 

And in the safe flat, he thought relent- 
lessly—tantalizing himself, staving olf 
the final insight—there on the table 
waiting for him, one packet of cigarettes, 
Vladimir's favorite brand. 

But no cigarettes in his pockets. None, 
as the good superintendent would have 
said, on his pei Or not when they 
found him, that is to say. 

So the premise, George? Smiley asked 
himself, mimicking Lacon—brandishing 
Lacon's prefectorial finger accusingly in 
his own intact face—the premise? "The 
premise is, thus far, Oliver, that a smoker, 


nervousness, sets off on a crucial dandes- 
tine meeting equipped with matches but 
not even so much as an empty packet of 
Ggarettes. So that either the assassins 
found it and removed it—the proof, or 
proofs, that Vladimir was speaking of, 
or—or what? Or Vladimir changed his 
stick from his right hand to his left in 
ите. And put his right hand in his 
pocket in time. And took it out again, 
also in time, at the very spot where he 
could not be seen. And got rid of it, or 
them, according to Moscow rules. 

Having satisfied his own insistence 
upon a logical succe: orge Smiley 
stepped cautiously into the long grass 
that led to the spinney, soaking his trou- 
sers from the knees down. For half an 
hour or more, he searched, groping in 
the grass and among the foliage, re- 
treading his tracks, cursing his own blun- 
dering, giving up, beginning again, 
answering the fatuous inquiries of pass- 
ers-by, which ranged from the obscene to 
the manically attentive. There were even 
two Buddhist monks from a local semi- 
nary, complete with saffron robes and 
lace-up boots and knitted woolen caps, 
who offered their assistance. Smiley cour- 
teously declined it. He found two broken 
kites, a quantity of Coca-Cola tins. He 
found scraps of the female body, some 
in color, some in black and white, ripped 
from magazines. He found an old run- 
ning shoe, black. and shreds of an old 
burnt blanket. He found four beer bot- 
tes, empty, and four empty cigarette 
packets so sodden and old that after one 
glance he discounted them. And in a 
branch, slipped into the fork just where 
it joined its parent trunk, the fifth pack- 
et that was not even empty: a relatively 
dry packet of Gauloises Caporal, filtre 
and duty-free, high up. Smiley reached 
for it as if it were forbidden fruit, but, 
like forbidden fruit, it stayed outside his 
grasp. He jumped for it and [elt his back 
rip: a distinct and unnerving parting of 
tissue that smarted and dug at him for 
days afterward. He said "Damn" out 
loud and rubbed the spot. Two typists, 
on their way to work, consoled him with 
their giggles. He found a stick, poked 
the packet free, opened it. Four ciga- 
rettes remained. 

And behind those four cigarettes, half 
concealed, and protected by its own skin 
of cellophane, something he recognized 
but dared not even disturb with his wet 
and trembling fingers. Something he 
dared not even contemplate until he was 
free of this appalling place, where gig- 
gling typists and Buddhist monks inno- 
cently trampled the spot where Vladimir 
had died: a single (rame of 35- meter 
film, developed, waiting to be printed. 

"They have one proof, I have the otha 
he thought. I have shared the old man's 
legacy with his murderers. 


301 


PLAYBOY 


302 


TUCKING IT AWAY „а pege 1759) 


“When something has risen dramatically in price for 


many years, it may no longer be a bargain. 


Um 


percent? People who do this lose seven or 
eight cents on every dollar they borrow, 
year alter year, car after car—hundreds 
of dollars a year wasted. Unless you have 
a risk-free way to invest at 14 percent or 
more the money you borrow at 13 per- 
cent, you will not come out ahead. And 
at the time of this writing, there is no 
such thing as a risk-free 14 percent re- 
turn. (When there is, auto loans will cost 
alot more than 18 percent.) 

Yes, I know the interest on your loan 
is deductible (though not for the three 
quarters of American taxpayers who do 
not itemize their deductions—for them, 
13 percent is really 13 percent). But i 
doesn't matter. You can't make money 
borrowing at 13 percent unless you can 
turn around and invest that money at 14 


or 15 or 20 percent. 

Incidentally. this reasoning applies 
every bit as much to the 18 percent 
ceditcard interest many people pay 
and to the financing of any other con- 
sumable goods or depreciating assets 
(unlike а home, which appreciates). Get- 
ting off the credit treadmill is as tough as 
quitting smoking (which would also save 
you 5500 a year)—but. since not having 
to pay 18 percent is as good as earning 
18 percent, risk-free, it is the best in- 
vestment most people сап make. 

Back to cars. Have you ever toted up 
just how much extra it costs to drive a 
tank? If you are really serious about 
socking something away for next year 
(and no one said you had to be: there 
are plenty of other things to read in th 


“ ‘Fooling around,’ Maestro? What makes you 
think we were fooling around?" 


magazine), you might consider buying as 
your next car, not a $9395 horse that 
gets 16 miles to the gallon financed over 
five years but a 55395 pony that gets 30 
miles to the gallon and that you buy [ог 
cash. Over five years, you would save 
$4000 on the price, another $1000 оп the 
financing (gross, before allowing for tax 
reductions and the use of the money), 
perhaps $1500 in lower insurance and 
maintenance costs (theft and collision 
surance cost more on expensive 
which also cost more to maintain), 
in car washes (what's the point of having 
395 car if you don't keep it clean?) 
nd, best for last, а tankerful of gas. Е 
g 12.000 miles a year over five years 
at $1.95 a gallon—though where you're 
going to find gas at 51.95 a gallon five 
years from now I can't imagine—the dif- 
ference works out to a further $2200. 
Grand total: well over 510,000. 

That is an extra $2000 a year to go the 
same number of miles at the same speed 
with the same song playing on the same 
radio but in a heavier, roomier car. Con- 
sider that, unless your car is a deductible 
business expense, you must carn $4000 a 
year, or close to it, before taxes, to pay 
the difference. 

Now, I happen to be able to carn an 
extra 51000 with my eyes closed standing 
on опе foot just by buying 100 shares ol 
some stock that goes up 10 points. But 
for you, it may not be so easy. Are you 
the extra leg room is worth it 

. 

Well. Having perhaps saved a penny 
or two on taxes, having just learned you 
will be getting а well-deserved $10,000 
Christmas bonus the first week in Janu- 
ary (congratulations!) and having set 
yourself up to save $2000 a year by driv 
ing the kind of car that will leave friends 
and colleagues questioning your profes- 
sional competence and your masculin- 
i у Шу dump it all into 
тре stock? 

There arc only three choices that make 
sense for you. and the following are not 
among them: gambling. gambling stocks, 
commodities. cattle, currency futures. in- 
terestrate futures, options. stamp col. 
lecting. gold. diamonds. Oriental rugs. 
publicly offered oil deals. privately of 
fered oil deals, antique cars. Broadway 
shows. signed-and-numbered lithographs. 
Pursued with sufficient ardor, the forc- 
going are likely— a 
—1o cause you 
tress and/or expose you to hardships 
never made truly believable by the bro- 
chures. This is very flip. and if 
your business ding stamps or cutting 
diamonds—if you are a pro—it may not 
apply. But most of us аге not dealers in 
these games but “prospects.” For us, | 
believe, it applies. 

Of the three acceptable choices, I have 
doubts about two. 

Fixed-Income Securities: These in- 
clude short- and long-term deposits 


savings banks; Treasury bills and other 
Ge 5; money-market 
funds (which function as high-interest 
checking accounts; municipal bonds, 
corporate bonds and preferred stocks. 
(Preferred stocks arc, іп essence, corpo- 
rate bonds that never mature.) Those are 
lovely places for your money. Alter pay 
ing off your debts, putting up equity for 
a home and purchasing adequate life 
insurance (term insurance, not whole 
i nec—and neither kind if you 
have no dependents), it makes sense to 
stash some money in such safe places. 
However, alter taxes and inflation, you 
will be growing poorer cach year. Also, 
just as the speculations and hobbies 
listed in the preceding section are so 
exciting as to obscure the underlying 
odds (which are against you) and the 


underlying values (which get more and 
nore tenuous as prices rise higher and 
higher), so the fixed-income securities just 


listed are so boring as to be wholly inap- 
propriate to your psychological profile. 

Real Estate: This comes in many 
shapes and sizes. Your own home is а 
terrific investment, if only because you 
сап enjoy it so much more than a golden 
passbook. And it has tax advantages. 
Raw land is much riskier and not easily 
mortgaged. Much of the getting rich 
quick that’s gone on over the past decade 
has been by folks of modest means who 
bought one property, fixed it up, re 
financed or sold it at a profit, using the 
sed cash to buy two properties, 
which could become four, eight and, 
1 fortune. In some areas, like 
California or Houston or, more recently, 
Manhattan, it’s been impossible to do 
anything but win—big. 

Many people iell vou that this will 
go on forever and that you can never 
lose in real estate. They will point to 
appreciation in real-estate prices much 
as a diamond salesman will point to 
appreciation in diamonds or a gold 
proponent to the appreciation in gold. 
Te may be that realestate prices will keep 
rising at a rapid clip, but it’s worth 
noting that mortgage costs have never 
been higher and that, when something 
has risen dramatically іп price for many 
years, it may no longer be a bargain 
The problem with most people's 
vestment strategies (other than the fact 
that most. people don't have investment 
strategies) is chat they invest wistfully. 
is, they buy the things they wish 
they had bought five or ten years ago. 
It need hardly be mentioned, however, 
that the best time to buy something is 
not when it is expensive but when it is 
che: 


y that I have myself 
come lately to the realestate market (it 
being only lately that 1 have had any- 
thing of substance with which to come) 
nor to gainsay the highly attractive ш 
advantages of being a landlord (while 
your property is appreciating in value, 


you get to depreciate it in figu 
taxes). 

My genera] uneasiness about the pre- 
carious state of the real-estate market— 
which, of course, varies tremendously 
from community to community—is р 
haps illustrated. by the following story, 
forgive me if you have heard it belore. 

This rock магу agent, goes the story, 
calls his rock-star client and says: “You 
know that home you wanted us to find 
for you? Well, I've got good news and 
bad news.” 

‘The rock star, contrary to the most 
basic rules of human nature but conven- 
iently for the effectiveness of this story, 
asks to hear the good news first. 

“Well,” says the agent, "we have 
found you the most fabulous. 1H-bedroom 
house—pool, tennis court, spectacular 
view, basement discothèque, everything— 
and it’s just $4,800,000." 

“Hey, that's great,” says the rock star. 
“What's the bad new: 
“They want five 
down." 

Stocks: The hidden value these days— 
the thing nobody wants, the thing so 
woebegone it has actually fallen іп price 
over the past dozen years while packets 
of Life Savers have gone from a nickel 
to a quarter and ounces of gold have 
gone from $35 to S437—is a thing called 
stocks, the quadrupling of Shoney's Big 
Boy Enterprises, and others, i 
standing. 

If you have money you can afford to 
tic up for the Jong term, one place to 
put a good chunk of it is in solid but 
boring, wnpublicized common stocks. 
The kind ıl y high dividends and 
only make the mostactive list two years 
after you bought them, when, suddenly, 
cement. becomes hot and your company, 
which was selling at half its book value 


Ш 


ng your 


thousand dollars 


when you bought it (and a fourth of 
value"), is being sought 
cement company, or some 
ally West German industrialist, at 
twice what vou paid tor it. That kind. 
Don't buy stories, buy values, (Forbes 
is as far as you need to look for in- 
vestment ideas and advice. Don't bother 


spending moncy on advisory services.) 
Don't buy just one stock—diversily. 
Don't pay full commissions; trade 


through “discount brokers" at half the 
price. Don't put all your money in the 
market, any more than you should put it 
alli al estate or the savings bank. 

IE the stocks you buy go up—Memy 
Christmas. If they go down a little, pay 
no attention, Sooner or later, they will 
come back; and in the meantime, you 
will be getting as much in dividends 
as you would be carning if the money 
were in the bank. If they go down a lot, 
buy more. They arc even better values. 

That would have been dangerous ad- 
vice to follow in September of 1929, But 
in that month, the stocks that made up 
the Dow Jones industrial average were 
selling at three or four times their book 
value, whereas today the Dow sells under 
book value. In 1929, also, those stocks 
had experienced a quintupling in price 
over the prior eight years, and so had 
phis from which to 
ty years later, in 1979, the 
experienced an eight-year run 
of mononucleosis. How do you plunge 
from a basement, or at best а second- 
floor, window? 

That is not to say the market cannot 
fall sharply (as measured by the Dow, 
it is im the Jow 800s as I write this). But 
the value not truc in 
1929 or in 1969, and it makes a big 
difference. 


“You're clutching at straws, Henderson.” 


303 


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useful information —from the interconnecting worlds of technology, 
parapsychology and social science —to help you enjoy the future 


MYSTERY OF THE MONTH 


(This section is reserved for informa- 
tion concerning real mysteries, whether 
old or new. Here, you'll read about those 
oddities of nature and the universe that 
we cannot understand, strange events 
and all sorts of inexplicable phenom- 
ena. We don't propose to solve these 
mysteries, just report them.) 


Mystery Booms 

On April 2, 1978, just after dawn, a 
shrill noise cut the air on Bell Island, 
Newfoundland, and suddenly the little 
village was rocked by a tremendous ex- 
plosion. "Sheets of fre" appeared in 
some homes. The sky glowed red and 
balls of fire up to three feet across drifted 
through the village. An electrical surge 
raced through power lines, blowing up 
television sets and turning wall outlets 
into blowtorches, spurting blue flame 
almost two feet long. 

The boom had been enormous, rat- 
tling homes eight miles away and making 
people up to 40 miles away turn their 
heads. Just before it happened, people 
living in Portugal Cove, across the bay, 
reported seeing “а bright, glowing 
straight line” come out of the sky "slant- 
ed toward Bell Island at about a 45- 
degree angle.” 

Miraculously, no one had been killed 
and there was little damage. The copper 
wiring in one house was vaporized. A 
cabin behind the house was left with a 
hole in either end. A small barn nearby 
had collapsed outward, while chickens 
lay dead on the floor, bleeding from the 
eyes and mouths. 

The Bell Island boom was one of 
many strange events that occurred along 
the East Coast of North America i 
winter of 1977-1978. Primarily 
Jersey and South Carolina, there had 
been hundreds of reports of booms, 
often accompanied by balls of light and 
other “visual displays” that lit up the sky 
in many colors. 

A three-month investigation by a Na- 
val Research Board concluded that the 
events were caused by supersonic planes 
on mancuvers—sonic booms, bouncing 
off upper air during unusual weather. 
But some scientists have been challeng- 
ing the Navy's explanation. 

The respected climatologist Dr. Gor- 
don J. MacDonald, who was involved in 
a seven-month investigation of the 
booms, claims to have documented al- 
most 600 separate events and concludes 
“that about one third are not related to 
mananade activi 


Dr М iam Donn of the Lamon- 
Doherty Geological Observatory near 
New York argues that the weather that 
winter was no different from any other 
and notes that the booms stopped in the 
United States after the Navy announce- 
ment, yet they have continued in Can- 
ada, where authorities are somewhat 
puzzled by the fact that they don’t always 
coincide with known supersonic aircraft. 
Dr. Donn is openly suspicious of the 
military and once noted, “No one knew 
they had invented the atomic bomb until 
ithad been used on Hiroshima.” 

That's ironic. Two scientists from New 
Mexico who journeyed to Newfoundland 
to investigate the Bell Island incident 
came from the place where that bomb 
had been developed—the Los Alamos 
Scientific Laboratory. 

Still in the forefront of weapons re- 
search, Los Alamos is engaged in re- 
search into a new order of weapons: 
lasers and laserlike particle-beam weap- 
ons that might one day make intercon- 
tinental ballistic missiles obsolete. These 
weapons theoretically could transmit de- 
structive amounts of energy along beams 
that travel at the speed of light with 
pinpoint accuracy. 

Newfoundlanders, therefore, could be 
forgiven for wondering what two in- 
vestigators from a place like Los Alamos 


were doing on their soil investigating 
what had happened. 

One of the Los Alamos visitors, Robert 
Freyman, identified himself as a weap- 
ons-design en 
lightning. He said he'd been expecting 
the event, as а result of a theory he en- 


tertained about weather systems. He 
couldn't go into detail but said there 
had been similar events in New Jersey 
and South Carolina. He said superlight- 
ning that had been occurring over the 
Ocean was occurring over land that 
winter. When the Bell Island incident 
occurred, he said, “someone in Washing- 
ton" asked him to check it out. 

Months after the event, he admitted to 
being bewildered but is now convinced 
the event was ball lightning. Or was it? 


NOTHING NEW UNDER THE 
SUN DEPARTMENT 


(This section is dedicated to all the 
witch doctors, alchemists, sages and old 
wives whose advice on a wide range of 
subjects has at first been dismissed by 
the scientific community, only subse- 
quently to be proved meritorious.) 


Latter-Day Gnosis Fever 
In the beginning was the Word, 
and the Word was with God, and 
the Word was God. . . . And the 
Word was made flesh, and dwelt 
among us. 


—The Gospel According to John 


Modern junkieprophet William S. 
Burroughs proposed several years ago 
that while both animals and men talk, 
only men write, and that men write be- 
cause they are the mutant ape host of in- 
telligent viruses that long ago achieved 
symbiosis. In The Job, he quoted biolo- 
gist С. Belyavin's “Virus Adaptability 
and Host Resistance”: 


It is worth noting that if a virus 
were to attain a state of wholly be- 
n equilibrium with its host cell, 
unlikely that its presence would 
be readily detected or that it would 
necessarily be recognized as a virus. 


And that, proposed Burroughs, is what 
the Word is. A virus. Creation as viral 
mutation. 

Well, it just so happened that while 
Burroughs was writing The Job, Dr. 
Francis Crick, one of the discoverers of 
DNA, and Dr. Leslie Orgel of The Salk 
Institute were doing research on which 
they later reported in a published paper, 
“Directed Panspermi that suggests 
that intelligent life might have been de- 
liberately spread through the universe 
in a viral form, capable of evolving 
through symbiosis and mutation in suit- 
able environments. 

And just recently, The New York 
Times reported that two Japanese scien- 
tists have found a virus (PhiX 174) that 


305 


306 


(NEW AGE PRIMER 


they believe is “more contrived than 
natural” and that may contain “a mes- 
sage which was encapsulated in virus 
particles and dispatched into the uni- 
verse by one or more highly advanced 
Civilizations.” They also suggest that this 
virus may infect the common colonic 
bacteria of all humans. 

‘They haven't figured out the viral 


message yet, but theyre working on it— 
using some of the same code techniques 
other scientists are using to decode pos- 
sibly intelligent radio transmissions from 
outer space. So the next time you get the 
24-hour flu, don’t grumble. You may be 
smarter in the morning. 


THE MAGIC CORNER 

(The Magic Corner will give you the 
tools to perform real magic, not just 
your mundane rabbitand.top-hattype 
magic which we all know is outright 
trickery, but the genuine stuff: telepathy, 
astral projection, clairaudience, clairvoy- 
ance, levitation and dozens of other 
handy and useful skills. ОГ course, we 
don't guarantee that you'll be able to do 
all this, but well give you advice from 
the best available literature on each sub- 
ject and let you try it yourself. Good luck!) 


Astral Projection 

We've all heard of people having out- 
of-body experiences, or OOBEs for 
short. Throughout history, men and 
women have reported leaving their bod- 
ies while retaining full consciousness in 
what has been called the astral body 
and being able to pass through solid 
matter, travel great distances at the 
speed of thought and visit other worlds 
invisible to the physical eyes. Several 
great names in history have reported 
experiencing what seem to be OOBEs: 
Saint Paul, Catherine the Great of Rus- 
sia, Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, 
Beethoven and Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, 
to name a few. Not to mention Carlos 


Castaneda and thousands of ingestors of 
psychedelic drugs. Are all those people 
crazy? Perhaps. But wouldn't you like to 
be able to leave your physical body at 
the office, fly home for the night and 
return to your body the next morning? 
The universal knowledge of OOBEs is 
obviously the ultimate solution to the 
gas shortage, 

Now for your first tip on having an 
OOBE: Don't try it on a full stomach. 
Those who say they've done it recom- 
mend that your stomach have been 
empty for at least three hours, and that 
a three-to-five-day fast before attempting 
to leave your body is preferable. (No, 
Sammy, you won't die if you don’t eat for 
three days. That isn't the secret.) 

According to various writings on the 
subject, voluntary astral projection is 
impossible without three ingredients: 

1. Visualization: The ability to imag- 
ine something vividly at will and retain 
the image clearly in the mind for two 
to three minutes. You may have to prac- 
tice this. For starters, try to visualize your 
own face for three minutes. Then your 
entire body. Don’t continue until you've 
mastered this. 

9. Breathing: Correct breathing is es- 
sential. You should breathe from the 
diaphragm, rather than from the chest. 
The abdominal wall should expand 
when you inhale and contract when you 
exhale. Before attempting to leave your 
body, you must first relax it. Lying flat 
on your back, or sitting up in a high- 
backed armchair, take 15 or 20 deep 
breaths and let the tension drain from 
the muscles. The body should be com- 
pletely supported, in any case, so that it 
can't fall over and hurt itself while 
you're out to lunch. 

3. Will: This is the crucial ingredient. 
In all texts on the art of astral projec- 
tion, students are advised that they must 
develop a strong desire to consciously 
leave their physical bodies, and that this 
desire must manifest itself in a powerful 
willing that they do so. 

Having learned to visualize and 
breathe, and having developed a strong 
desire to leave your body, you are now 
ready for the techniques. We offer two, 
though there are dozens more, because 
these seem to be the easiest for a novice. 

Technique number one—the Dream 
Method: This technique should be done 
just before going to sleep. First relax 
your body and do deep breathing for a 

ile, then tell yourself that tonight you 
will wake up outside your body. Next, 
just before falling asleep, visualize а 
dream in which you are floating out- 
side your physical body. Visualize your 
own body, floating six feet above the 
bed. Finally, as you experience the “fall 


ing" feeling of sleep, tell yourself that 
you are rising out of your body and that 
you will vake up outside it. 

Technique number two—Projection 
Method: This is considered one of the 
oldest and best methods. It requires that 
you be able to visualize yourself very 
Clearly. For those who can't do this, con- 
tinue to practice visualization until you 
can. Now imagine a second self floating 
or standing in front of your closed eyes. 
Picture it going to another place, an- 
other room, another country. Imagine 
that you can see through its eyes as it 
examines its surroundings. Imagine that 
you can hear and see and feel all that 
it experiences. In time, you will for- 
get your physical body and find yourself 
inside the projected body. This method 
is said to take more time than the others, 
but it’s also said to be more effective. 

Approach the experiment gradually. 
Those who've been there say that there 
will be a disorienting sensation of 


dual consciousness as the astral body 
and the physical body scparate. That is 
normal If you should suddenly feel 
frightened (which is also normal), stick 
with the technique for а couple of 
utes, then stop. Try again later. The fear 
will eventually disappear. If, on the 
other hand, you simply go to sleep, re- 
cord your dreams when you awaken. 
We often become semiconscious in the 
astral body while asleep, say OOBEers, 
and remember those experiences as su- 
pervivid dreams. If none of this works, 
we suggest you look for a Yaqui 

medicine man. Ba 


CONTRIBUTORS 
Glen O'Brien for “Latter-Day Gnosis 
Fes Seaward for "Mystery 
Booms"; Jeffrey Armbruster for "Astral 
Projection," 


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PLAYBOY 


308 


sacen. Trumbull, Dykstra and thei 
associates have developed new tech- 
nologies that will come closer than 
ever to presenting three-dimensional 
visuals on a two-dimensional screen 
and look, Ma, no glasses! 

Take, for сха the so-called 
trench sequence in Star Wars, where 
Luke Skywalker and his fellow pilots 
were trying through precision bomb. 
ing to destroy the d : ro 
duce such an effect, a camera moves on 
a track forward and away from static 
ry models. Although it’s the minia 
ture space ships that seem to move 
actually it's the camera that’s in mo- 
tion. The complex motion-picture 

а tracking system Dykstra used 
for Star Wars was capable of pann 
left. right. up or down. The new. 
even more sophisticated computer- 
controlled. camera: Trumbull has de- 
veloped for Slay Trek—one of nine 
systems he and Dykstra аге using on 
the film—not only allows those camera 
movements, plus pitch 
also makes it possible fe 
themselves, the background. behind 
them and the lighting illumin. 
puterized 
synchronization. Trumbull calls his 
acy new gadget COMPSY (Comput- 
€r Motion- Tracking Photog) aphic Sys- 
tem). The computer controlling it has 
a memory system. capable of storing 
61,000 microbits of nlormation, 
ugh for every single camera setting 
for Star Wars. Gone with the Wind 
nd Jaws combined. The с 
be programmed and oper 
motecontrol joy stick to move back 
nd forth on railroadlike tracks: it uti 
torque takeups to move film 
forward or backward. (just as yon do 


wd yaw. but 
the objects 


them to move, always in con 


nd features automatic opening and 
of the shutter independent of 
ement 
camera oper 
curved trackin, 
it possible 10 cr 
relationships 
aightforward shooting. 
this computerized precisi 
lor many 
ws many ads 
75—10 be 4l" on one piece of 
film, el ng the 
making actual film ov 
improving the quality 
the graininess of the fi 
The combination of sophistic 
laser beams and multi 
geometry tedmiques (some of them. 
developed. by Ron Resch, director 
of the Computer Geometry. Design 
Center at Boston. University) has cre- 
ated. dramatically different ellects in 
the movies cloud sequence. As the 


(continued from page 142) 
Enterprise enters the cloud that sur- 
rounds У! the en 
he bent on destroying Earth, the au- 
dience will be swept into what, for 
lack of better comparison, is a con- 
antly undulating gelatinous mass. 
Much of the work in special effects, 
of course, still involves making paint 
ings and miniature models. To create 
the illusion of a view of the Earth from 
outer space, for example, flat illustr 
ions of a planet's surface are project- 
ed onto a dome and photographed 
from an oblique angle. Result: а lar 
curved painting that seems to have a 
natural curvature. Projected sepa 
ly on one such painting, represent 
the Earth's surface, with its land mass- 
es and water, were images of clouds 
devised by sprinkling white talcum 
powder on black paper, that, when 
lighted from the side, appear to have 


billowy shapes. The technicians then 
took a negative of the clouds, laid it 
over the one of the Earth and projec 
ed the whole thing. thus achievi 
clouds with shadows арр 


ing over the planet. All 
done by masking the individual ele 
ments, taking several exposures and, 
finally, optically projecting them to- 
gether, in perfect alignment (hence 
the value of computerizing). 

Apogee’s Oscarwinning Gi 

une and Put General's 
Simpson are the chief. modelmake 
on Star Tr The Motion Picture. 
Probably the most impressive model 
created unde 
starship docking bay, where the En 
terprise is first after havi 
completed 

jonths and 

million dollars to hand-fit 
than 100,000 pieces, some o 
Те of an inch in size, to create what 
appears on film to be the huge bay 
In it are more than 50 light panels, 

"merating approximately 3000 

volts of neon illumination 

More than 200 people have worked 
1 effects. They 
have worked with determination, with 
а sense of humor (on the door of the 
metallathe workshop at Trumbull's 
shop is the sign SALVAGE DIVISION с 
STAR TREK) and with dogged persever- 
ance—ioward the end, putting іп 70- 
hour weeks. 

My guess is that it will h 1 
worth it. Back 1977. when Мат 

ars Па unheralded 


nearly 


on Star Trek's spec 


1 saw some of the dailies from Мат 
Trek—The Motion Picture. They 
are better. Doug Trumbull has never 
won ап Oscar this time he should 
make it. — JEFF MARTINI 


STAR TREK'S RETURN 


(continued from page 172) 


Yeoman Janice Rand on TV, is now 
Chief Rand. Gone, inci 
are the miniskirts: classy new 
etcher-designed costumes іп 
ailored slacks with 
builtin boots for s. Leg men 
may lose out with this one, but the 
ss watchers of the world have a 
pely derrière 
d these 
new outfits are outstandingly Fanmy-llat- 
tering. АШ of the crew. members. as 
matter of fact. look to be in great shape: 
many have trimmed down to weigh in at 
considerably less than their TV pound- 
age of a decade ago. 

The new магу in the Enterp 
galasy—Stephen Collins and 
Khambatta—provide Star. Tre 
tively sedate love interest. Th 
definitely. the new kids in c 
I must have been the only person in the 
. Who'd never seen Siar 
ns. best known Гог his 
hi Sloan in dll the Pres- 
4 Wise and 


Robert 
muted colors boast 


just abou 
says Сой 
portrayal 
ident’s Men 
Roddenberry they talked to me 
about reading for a part. 1 asked if they 
could deliver а script to me in. Malibu, 
where I was staying for a few days. They 
said. ‘We can't let the script өш of the 
office. You have to come in.’ So I did 
e going in to the back of 
t National Bank with (d Brinks 
s ushered into this little 

ti Ils or 


ad it was 


the F 
p 


room. 


d. Low 


no decor s on the w 
anythin 
ather, a few pages And I was very taken 
hoi it was a much mo al 
script than 1 had expected. Being igno 
t about Siar Trek. D expected. much 
more of a slioot^em-up." 


Once Collins got on the set. things 
e strange for a while. “It felt like 
Leing the guest star on the mast extrava 
gant episodic television show ever done, 
he of them, it was al 
most as if the intervening time hadn't 
been there. They fell into the 
tionships, their old rapport." Eventu: 
though. Collins fit in 
Star Trek soltball team. 
former Miss India and 
actress la 
try. bega 
of 13. For 
London, wl 
I aske 


we 


ise for the res 


old re 
lly. 
especially on the 


els in her па 
ge 
she lived in 


tive co n made at the a 


seven усаг 


cre she became а Star Trek 
ent to get me work 
cs" she says, "because L could 
king girls. But it 
wasn't being made anymore; it was al 
ready in syndication." For this, her first 
American film, shi 


see they used exotic 


was required to shave 


her head: during shooting, а make-up 
girl went over her skull daily. "Actually. 
I like the look,” says Khambatta. 71 can 
wear jewelry on my head, and sometimes 
1 paint it with different designs. Or I 


Fact: Usher’s was the first blended 
Scotch. Every other Scotch blended 
today reflects the process Andrew Usher 
originated in 1853. 

Some come close. But none truly 
matches our results. It’s no wonder. We’ve 


had 126 years of experience. Карар SCOTCH NIS 
Taste the original. Smooth. Light. geo 
Perfectly blended. 


It’s Scotch the way you always hoped 
it would taste. 


80 proof —B-F Spirits Ltd., New York, New York (6 1979. 


PLAYBOY 


310 


can we nd wher 


rf or something. 


I do go into a restaurant, somebody will 
ask me to take it off, and I do, and 
everybody gasps. It's nice reaction, 
you know. It’s given me a lot of 


confidence. 

If Collins and Kh: 
disoriented in the o 
phere of the Star 
Wise was in the st 
all: 
er for three years, knew 
легә they were pla 


mbatia felt a tad 
сїрї 
Trek 


у atmos- 
director 


set, 
gest situation of 
His actors, who had worked togeth 
bout the 


more 
g than he 


ch, 


supposedly the final authority during 
shooting. “Ive found it interesting — 
а lite crazy at times.” he says. "But 


they're all professionals. very good to 
work with. Enthusiastic. probably be- 
cause they didn't believe it was ever 
going to happen alter being talked грош 
lor so long. 

Koenig sums up the feeling best 
first day, truly, when I was at 
sole and Nichelle was at hers and George 
was at his and Bill, the n. walked 
onto the bridge for the first time, and I 
said, ‘Kep-tin, and we all jumped up 
and тап over to him. I got such a high, 
such а rush at that moment that it took 
all my sell-control not to embrace him 


"The 
my con- 


It was such a lovely moment. I should 
embraced him. Wh 
. 


һауе at the hel 


Back in the me innocent days of 
TV production. with its plywood sets, 
a Star Trek story didn't require much 
in the way of special effects. But to- 
day's more sophisticated audience—con- 
ioned by Мағ Wars, Close Encounters 


d 
and Alien and looking forward to Walt 
Disney's The Black Hole, which will de- 


ks of Star Trek's re- 
lease in 800 theaters across the county 
dems g more, So, although 
ШЕТІ still pre-eminent 
in Star Trek—The Motion Picture, what 
happens to those characters often re 


eds. sometl: 


quires gimmicks 
M ing. some battle 

cruisers of the Klingon Emp У 

Meets waditional opponents—are 


tacked by an unknown entity of hither 
unsuspected: power, First the Kli 
then a Federation outpost on Epsilon 9 
are vaporized, and the mysterious assail- 


LLNS \ E 


J- = 
2202 % giy ЖЖ D> 
2200 С. ЛКИ 


ant is headed straight for Earth. Since 
the Enterprise—until now in dry dock, 
ng renovation—is the only ship 
g distance, it is hastily 
nto service. Kirk, its former cap- 
who been moved into an ad- 
I's desk job, assumes command— 
thus demoting the young Captain Deck 
er, played by Collins. Gradually, all the 
members of the crew are assembled, 
joined by the new navigator, the sleek 
Ша (who, it is hinted but unfortunately 
never. explicitly revealed, comes from a 
planet of exwemely highly developed 
sexuality). 

OI they blast, encountering difficulties 
almost immediately when Kirk, despite 
Scotty's warnings, tries to push the Enter 
prise into warp drive before all systems 
are fully go. The ship hurtles into a 
warp, causing a wormhole effect in which 
everything seems out of sync. Voices and 
€ distorted, and suddenly, dead 
"s an enormous oid hur- 
ight at the ship. 

The Enterprise, as you may suspect 
gets out of that one, only to be sucked 
into the maw of the attacker, which 
visible at first—in the movie as well as 
in our illustration on page 140—only 
as an enormous, strangely glowing but 
oddly beautiful cloud. Inside the cloud 
isa creature that calls itself V'ger—which, 
as the plot develops, turns out to be 
hybrid of the American space probe 
Voyager 6 мі... well, we won't give 
away the entire story, except to say that 
it involves lightning-fast bolts, 
space walks by Kirk and Spock and a 
final, mysterious disappearance of some 
of the ch ters as they are fused with— 
transcended into might possibly be a 
better phrase—a heretofore undreamed- 
of power. 

If the unthinkable 1 
Trek flops all, 
inherently vulnerable to complaints both 
from fanatics who feel it’s not enough 
like the old days and from critics who 
can sniff at it аз just an overblown TV 
cpisode—it should still make а bundle 
on the side. The marketing concepts for 
this film leave few imergalactic rocks 
unturned, "The TV show spawned morc 
than 50 books and some 400 fan publi- 


ting st 


and Star 


“My son, the acupuncturist.” 


cations; the movie starts the whole proc- 
ess all over again. Pocket Books alone 
has scheduled 16 separate Star Trek proj- 
ects under its Pocket, Wallaby and Wan 
derer imprints. There're The Official 
U.S.S. Enter prise Officer’s Date Book for 
1980; The Star Trek Make-Your-Own- 
Costume Book; The Star Trek Space 
flight Chronology, a history of space Hight 
Irom the 20th to 93rd centuries; Siar 
Trek Speaks. а sort of Quotations from 
Chairman Kirk; peckolf graphics, offi 
blucprints of the refitted Ente 
punch-out and pop-up books and v 
calendars. There will be Star Trek toys— 
among them an amazingly realistic pl 
ater pistol—shirts, bubblegum trading 
cards, records, sleeping bags, kites, bump- 
er stickers, even a Spock-shaped ceramic 
liquor decanter. Star Trek artwork and 
pr ium offers app on 37,000,000. 
boxes of General Mills cereal; McDon- 


of 


ald's has booked 520.000.000 in TV ad- 


хе ng to promote 50,000,000 boxes of 
Star Trek Happy Meals (burger, fries, 
cookies. games and cartoons); and Bally 
has toted up 519.190.000 in sales on a 
51795 Star Ty 1 machine. 

Dawn Steel, vice-presi 
dent for merchandising and licensing. 
claims he ve projection 
is 5250,000,000 in sales of licensed. prod- 
and that it could be twice that 
much. “Licensed children's merch: 
dise," she explains, "is the Jast category 
to sulter in a recession: Dad will give up 
his suits, but his kids will still get. toys 
and clothes." 

How much will Paramount. net from 
this bonanza? Stecl isn't saying, exactly. 
“Our fce ranges from one to 11 percent, 
depending on the product." That adds 
up to something in the neighborhood of 
52,500.000 to 555.000.000. Pretty ritzy 
neighborhood 

As the movi 
ng the r 


amounts 


most conserv 


ucts 


release date nears, we're 
l of Star 
of 


pret conven 
tions—those orgie rekkerm, 
sometim as many 
16,000 fans for a weekend of ente 
and merch; 


in- 
ng in 


nt. discussion 


a al celebration of that wonderful 
at used to be, Everything come: 

d December sixth. starting 

with а world premiere in Washington's 


MacArthu 
reception on d 


Theater—followed by а gala 
mezzanine of the Na- 
d Space Museum. of the 
n Institution, where one of 
the most popular exh model of 
the TV Enterprise. Among the invited 
guests: cast members, Government olli- 
Gals and the diplomatic corps. "After 
all,” says а Paramount executive, in all 
seriousness, “Star Trek is a world-wide 
phenomenon.” 

Roddenberry and a few million fans 
could have told him that five years ago. 


bits is 


PLAYBOY'S 
INFORMED SOURCE. 


WHAT’S NEW IN SKIING 


the season is all downhill after 
you read this guide 

GETTING THE ATTENTION of most skiers this time of year isn't very 
difficult, and with the Winter Olympics coming up next month 
in Lake Placid, more people than ever are lusting to get on the 
slopes. But why should you have to wait until then to find out 
what the trendy skiers are up to this season? Informed Source 
has been monitoring the situation for you and here's our report: 

First, the big picture. After a busy and generally profitable 
season last winter, most areas have raised their prices for lift 
tickets and practically everything else. Out West, Aspen and 
Vail will hit 516 per day for lift tickets, and most other big 
resorts there aren't far behind. In the East, Stratton, Vermont, 
has gone into the stratosphere at $18 per day, followed by Stowe 
at $16. With prices at that level, you should always check for 
discounts on multipleday passes or try to book a package tour 
with lift tickets included. It's also a good idea to consider ski- 
ing in spring, when off-season rates apply. Vail, for example, 
offers “Mountain savings times” packages that trim nearly 30 
percent off lodging and lift costs. Most of the fresh powder 
may be gone, but being able to ski in your cutoffs is adequate 


compensation. Killington, Vermont, which stayed open until 
May 22 last year, has similar bargains back East. 


Now for the good news: Моге and more resorts are inst 
hot tubs and Jacuzzis, There are two at Taos, New Mexico— 
nard and the Edelweiss—that аге kept open un- 
til late at night and have glass walls facing the ski slopes. At 
Grested Butte, Colorado, locals tend not to broadcast the fact 
that Sunshine's Paradise bath and sauna has become the town's 
social center. Owner Imogene "Sunshine" Williams says that 
suits are welcome, but "I ain't seen one yet.” Not that 
nything going on (there isn't), but your tired bones will 
enjoy the soak just the same. If you can't restrain yourself, ask 
someone at the resort how to qualify for the All Stars, an ex- 
clusive club along the lines of Steamboars Tower Two-To- 
Three Club; but be prepared to free 
sedate but still the romantic high point of any visit to Sun 
Valley is a swim in the huge circular outdoor pool at the Sun 


THE MOST ROMANTIC SKI VACATION IN AMERICA 


By SUZY CHAFFEE For me, Aspen has it all. Snowbird and 
Taos are great for romantic ski connoisseurs, but only 
Aspen has great mountains, plus people, culture and 
everything else it takes to make the heart grow fonder. 

For accommodations, go all the way and rent a condo- 
minium at The Aspen International Club, The condos 
have their own sunken Jacuzzis, canopy beds and one of 
the nicest athletic clubs in Americ: 

My ideal day begins by sleeping until you feel like 
attacking each other and then the mountain, and having 
blueberry pancakes at Liule Nell's, right at the base of 
Ajax Mountain. Take it easy the first day or two, and 
break for lunch about two Р.м. 

After a day on the slopes, there are fun crowds at The 
Red Onion or at the Jerome Bar. Then it’s Jacuzzi, nap 
or massage time at your condo and dinner at The Cop- 
per Keule. But a guy will really score lots of points with 
me if he takes me to the Crystal Palace, where the wait- 
ers become musical comedians after dinner. The inti- 


mate corners at the Paragon disco make it а good place 
to cuddle later on. 


Finally, if the snow gods have been good to you, you're 
ready for the ultimate orgasm at Aspen: powder skiing 
through the trees. Try Jackpot or Perry's Prowl on the 
front face of Ajax. H the powder doesn't fall, well, hav- 
ski week is like making love—tfull of the 
joy of doing it till you get it right. 


32 


struction has come a long 
way in the post few years. One of 
the more interesting new ap- 
proaches, right, was developed by 
а member of the Greek Olympic 
ski team, who perfected his tech- 
nique on the hills above Athens. 
Notice that the woman maintains 
the traditional bent-knee posture 
and focuses her attention on the 
terroin, while her instructor yells 
out words of encouragement, This 
lesson із usvally followed by 

some tips on how to plont your 
poles correctly and how to slow 
down if you get going too fast. 


Antics like the one shown at right 
hove become popular on chair 
lifts ond in the enclosed gondolos 
at several ski areas. A few resorts 
even hove informal clubs for 
those who insist on going down 
‘on more than just the trails. Make 
sure you lower the safety bar 
before you lower anything else. 


At most ski areas, the lifts close 
about four р.м. and many skiers 
soy that’s when the real fun be- 
gins. Hot tubs, for example, are 
one après-ski attraction being 
stolled by more and more ski 
lodges. An even better idea is to 
put one in your own cholet (the 
redwood model at far right is 
from California Cooperage). 


Valley Lodge—the grand dame of Rocky Mountain resorts. You 
actually can order margaritas from poolside and your waiter 
will emerge through the steam only long enough to drop off 
the drinks and allow you to sign the bill. This is the kind of 
civilized service that Informed Source heartily endorses. 

If you can tear yourself away from all this sybaritic indolence, 
you'll find some interesting new ski terram up on the moun- 
tains, Killington has added an entirely new area of six trails and 
three lilts, called Bear Mountain, for advanced skiers. Two new 
triple chair lifts at Steamboat will help relieve crowding there, 
as will another much needed triple in the back bowls at Vail 
Previously untouched powder is opened up by the new Teocalli 
lift at Crested Butte, and it comes in the form of groomed trails 
plus some open glade skiing. And while al snow-making 
is taken for granted in New England, Sun Valley has probably 
set some kind of Rocky Mountain record with the recent instal- 
lation of top-to-bottom snow-making equipment on the entire 


SKIING THE BEST, by Miles Jaffe and Dennis Krieger. This 
is the best guide to the trails and facilities at the top 50 ski 
resorts in North America. What other book is honest enough 
10 tell you that Snowbird is too tough for many intermediates 
and that Stowe hes at least four runs comparable to anything 
at Aspen? 


SKI MAGAZINE'S ENCYCLOPEDIA OF SKIING. A good 
read from start (the history of skiing) to finish (where to ski all 
over the world), with plenty of insight into teaching methods, 
competition records and famous skiers in between. Great for 
the cofjee table of your chalet, 


_ PIANTA SU: SKI LIKE THE BEST, by Ruedi Bear. Words- 
- and-pictures instruction that will still make sense once you 
get оп the mountain. This book is better for intermediates 
than for beginners, dealing, as it does, with things like pole 
Planting and edge setting (pianta su means “plant up" in 
Malian). Also contains insights and tips about ski competition 
and race psychology. 


north face of its 31004001 slopes. Over at Jackson Hole, 
Wyoming, improvements have taken the form of a bus service 
that meets incoming flights at Idaho Falls, a feature that will be 
much appreciated by anyone who's had to slog through Bridger- 
Teton National Forest on his own. Jackson Hole also reports 
heavy bookings this year, and reservations should be made 
pronto if you want to wallow in Wyoming powder this season. 
As far as equipment goes, manufacturers seem to be empha- 
sizing longer skis, more comfortable boots and even saler bind- 
ngs. (Better bindings have reduced the number of broken legs 
to the point where upper-body injuries are now the most com- 
mon ski accidents.) K2 has two new models, the 355 and the 
366, for advanced skiers, and they should enjoy huge popularity, 
because America’s top Olympic skiers, Phil and Steve Mahre, 
compete оп KZ racing models. Perennial favorite Rossignol 
should please its fans with a new line, including a racing s 
the SM, and a new mogul ski, the CM. Ehe М 
also give a boost to Lange boots, since theyll be using the 
XLR “Super Banshee” model at Lake Placid. This could be 
the best thing to happen to Lange since our 1979 Playmate of 
the Year, Monique St. Pierre, posed in a pair of Langes for her 
famous ski poster. The most interesting design in boots comes 
from Garmont, whose Diamond model has no visible buckle 
(it’s under the arch flap). In general, you can expect to hear a 
lot about increased comfort and better fit in boots. A product 
also worth noting is the hollow Brandy Bar ski poles made by 
High Country for just $36. Fill with the beverage of your choice. 
Ski fashions this year seem to be bulkier and slimmer 
at the same time. Powder Horn and H € С (named after de- 
signer Henri Charles Colsenct) are offering European-inspired 
puffy, Pillsbury Doughboy-style jackets and separate leggings. 


hre twins should 


At the other extreme are Head, which has cornered the market 
in 3-M's remarkable Thinsulate for its jackets and bibs, and 
Gopher, which is selling skintight outfits made with neoprene 


insulation for that painted-on-the-skin look. 

No ski lunch these days is complete without a debate between 
proponents of rose-tinted ski goggles and those who prefer the 
more traditional yellow. Yellow lenses improve visual contrast 
on cloudy, snowy but they are nearly useless іш bright 
sunlight. Rose lenses—especially Polarized ones—are also very 
helpful in flat light and, in addition, cut glare dramatically on 


PLAYBOY'S 


INFORMED SOURCE 


sunny days. The secret seems to be that rose lenses fool the eye 
into thinking it's darker outside than it really is (gray lenses do 
that, too) and they enable the eye to react to objects in the field 
of vision with more sensitivity. Skiers under 35 are especially 
helped by this phenomenon, though no one knows why. In fact, 
aviators in World War Two wore rose-tinted glasses before 
their night missions and said it helped them sce their targets 
better: а good thing to remember when you're bombing down 
a mountain. 

Yet another good idea for keeping warm is the арр 
of down ski hats with car flaps and eball-style bills. 
have been popular im Europe for a few years now 
ally made it across the pond. Very practical. As is the pull- 
over-parks-over-down-vest look being adopted by some ski 
instructors, On warm days, you wear the heavy nylon shell over 
just а ski sweater and cut the wind without sweating to death. 
Dark blue, incidentally, seems to be the preferred color among 
лау skiers. Perhaps the most practical look this year is a ski 
Jacket with zip-off sleeves that turns into a down vest. Sport- 
caster and Powderhorn are two companies making attractive 
variations on this theme. 

Enough for one season? Next year comes the Club Med ski 
resort at Copper Mountain, Colorado, the official opening of 
Beaver Creek (sce box at right), plus the appearance of a re- 
puted 6800-foot. vertical drop at Heritage Mountain, Utah. a 
Remember: No guts, no glory. 


BEST NEW SKI RUN 


The best new ski run of the year is at a resort you 
probably haven't heard of—yet. The place is Beaver 
Creek, Colorado, and the trail is named Centennial, an 
advanced/expert run that snakes down the entire 3280- 
foot face of Beaver Creek Mountain, with grades as steep 
as 60 percent. It should be quite a challenge when cov- 
ered with light Rocky Mountain powder. 

The resort at Beaver Creek, which is just ten miles due 
west of Vail, won't open until December of 1980, When 
it does, it will be a complete, sel-contained village that 
should quickly become а major destination for skiers 
Beaver Creek has been developed from scratch by Vail 
Associates and it will offer terrain for every level of ski- 
ng ability, plus accommodations and services galore. 
(President Ford has already reserved a condominium 
there, incidentally.) But why, if it won't open this sca- 
son, do we mention all this? Because Vail Associates is 


offering sneak previews of the mountain (including Cen- 
Ш) every Thursday through Sunday this winter. 
s who sign up two days in advance at the Vail mar- 
keting office will be offered any available seats on full- 


day ski trips (cost, 535) in heated Sno-Cats. Go for it 


Many skiers, especially beginners, have an unreasonable fear of 
falling down. Every skier falls, but smart ones know there are right 
ways and wrong ways to de it. When you have the time to take 
action, try to sit down оғ fall to the side to stop, or at least make 
sure you don't fall headfirst. That is known to insiders өз a "face 
plant" ond it is to be avoided. There ore also same sensible things 
the slopes. Have your bindings checked for 
Proper release tension. If you are а beginner, make sure you learn 


to do before you 


how to get back on skis (there's only one easy way and anyone 
con learn it). Actually, falling dawn can be a lot af fun if you can 
manage ta de it creatively (see example at left) in soft, deep 
powder. You may even Бе able to leave X-rated sitzmarks on the hill. 


313 


PLAYBOY 


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PLAYBOY 
PUZZLE 


This is the first of what 
will become o regular 
monthly feature. In 

this inaugural puzzle, 
the object is to find 
the words listed in the 
teft column inside the 
Rabbit Неос reading 
horizontally, vertically 
or diagonally Words 
тоу be spelled 
forward or backward. 


ART 

ARTICLES 

АТТІРЕ 

AWARDS 

BOOKS 

BUNNIES 

CARTOONS 

COMING ATTRACTIONS 
COVER 

DEAR PLAYBOY 

DINING AND DRINKING 
DRINK RECIPES 

ESSAYS 

FICTION 

GIFTS 

HUGH M. HEFNER 
HUMOR 

LITTLE ANNIE FANNY 
MOVIES 

MUSIC 

PHOTOGRAPHY 
PICTORIALS 

PLAYBILL 

THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 
PLAYBOY AFTER HCURS 
PLAYBOY FUNNIES 
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW 
PLAYBOY ON THE SCENE 
THE PLAYBOY PHILOSOPHY 
PLAYBOY POTPOURRI 
PLAYBOY SEX POLL 
PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES. 
PLAYMATE OF THE MONTH 
RIBALD CLASSIC 

SATIRE 

SEX IN CINEMA 

SPORTS 

THE WORLD OF PLAYBOY 


Answer on page 316 


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IN BED ONE NIGHT 
A FEW OF келее мыры 


ТНЕ it—my denthurth she says—it ain't 
complains the old man at the foot of 


THINGS THAT the bed him having a woman all to 
hisself that ain't square ignore them 

MAKE Albert says the old lady domt en: 
courage them she's not суеп supposed 


THIS SYMBOL 


PLAYBOY 


to be here I know my rights insists the 
old man and gets а loot in the face 
for them they's а law—splut! kaff!—he 
squawks disappearing over the foot of the 
bed which is now rocking and creaking 
fearsomely with the mighty thrashing 
about of the drunken lovers linked up 
on top of what on a different occasion 
might loosely be thought of as the host 
g his wind out whap whump oh 
Duke my god Duke gasp! Alberi—? a 
sweet stink rising are you all right АР 
nd uue the pounding friction wet 
ng him a certain local 
pleasure for all the burden of but it 
does not console him what сап? sunk as 
he is in the dark corruptions ol nostalgia 
dreaming of the good old days get | 
up here Albert you'll catch your di 
oh christ Duke—slop! slap!—kill t 
раті!—К that chink Duke break his 
fucking neck pop his yellow eyes out yes 
alas those days of confusion. profligacy 
ruthless solitude tears соте то his eyes 
just thinking about them as the old man 
capp: awl 
hand the pin (d holding up his 
empty pants leg between his teeth the old 
lady remonstrating no violence now 
please the oriental crouching tremulous 
on the pillow by the headboard with a 
knife a gentle answer Albert turneih 
screams groans grunts the worker 
in i and rage oh my god 

but he wipes а the foolish 
s angry with his own weakness forget 
ys they're gone and just as well 
he lectures himself as а pale. woman 
enters with three runny-nosed kids cling 
ing to her limp skirts there's been some 
Bin eal area сее mistake but we're awfully tired sir just a 
tistrbation. Copies not distri, (17 little corner—? yes forget those stupid 
47. 2 times get some sleep and then tomorrow 
17.773. Actual по. comes of it's down to the social security for a new 

bed assignment а pretty. lady maybe to 

hear his case Duke? report the losses 
tidy up wash the sheets out are you ok? 


Dı 


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сувдан 


АСЫН We STO CD "GE > BOs a0 = WOE DIO 


oF 


20, (2) Май subscriptions, 
paid circulation, 5 б: D. 


B. Paid eiremation. СТ) Sales 
street vendor 
367,541, (2) Mail subsertptlons, 2,337. 


Боно, Hugh. 
Los Anseles, Calif. 


Acting Манаке Kanor: Art wer, 919 һу mall, carrier or other means, say something Duke and lulled by the 
Мема Ave, Chicago, M. (O61 7. Owner: Plashoy tree conie, 71; EU REPE RGR TRE 
Enterprises, O00 N, Mehigan Ave.. Chea 5: P. Copies not Макеш heavy rhythms of fucking and weeping 
TIL 6064. stockholders owning or holding one percent onaeconnted, spoed ater print- | | the kids wrestling their mother whis- 


or mare of total amount of st 
w 


Hugh M. Hefner, 
Charing Cros Hond, Los Anieles, Calif. W 


ims trom news анса, 7004800: | | pering at them to settle down or the nice 


te. мем man will ask them to leave the old lady's 
gummy scolding he drifts off dreaming 
of a short queue happy accidents and 
wondering if he Duke? remembered to 
switch off the bathr ht ack! screw 
the сар back 


Bos 20 
10001; Kray & Со. 
DDS. $. Known bondhiold- provides in pertinent part: "No person 
Î other security holders owning бахе been entitled 10 mall matter under former s 
bercent of more of total amount ‘of thls tite shall tm » matter at the 
ages or other securities: None. 9. For 
п by nonprofit organizations authorized to 
mall at special ratos: Ni leble, 10. Extent and 


the tooth paste now 
what have you done Albert oh no! 
thwallowed the pin —?! 


presently authorized by 
“SC. 3626. M. M. Laurence, Business Manager. 


316 


Look what youve been missing 


“Hello Dennis...glad your answering 


machine's oa! This is Bob Kahn. Market's 
flying... you wanted a call when the stock 
you bought hit 10 bucks. It's sitting at 104 
now... time to unload this turkey? Call me? 


"Hi Dennis, Steve. Change of plans... 
don't meet us at Dante's... 
Ted wants to tryAmilio's instead. 
So bring more money! See you at 7" 


"Yes, this is Bob McClure at Haney Associates. 
Rick Gallavan recommended your work, and we 
have an assignment if you can start tomorrow. 

Please call 555-6209 as soon as you get this 
message. Thank you? 


DIVER. this d Ser Hill.. ; . J promised to call’ jJ ever got out 
this way does dieci you promised to show me the city. 


ll trat А atthe Parl Ж (бао? 


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GET HIM QUT! 


GET нім OUT EET I 


ча NOT 
WEARING 


THAT'S tT! 
KEEP 
THE CAMERA 


PRG AEE 


COME HERE, 
А ANNIE, I WANT YOU TO MEET J.B., 
OUR MANAGER OF mv TEXAS COWPUNCHERS. 
HE WANTS TO INTRODUCE You 
AROUND. 


PLAYBOY 


YOU SEE, HONEY, THE GREAT AMERICAN GAME OF FOOTBALL 15 
^ PEOPLE'S SPORT, AND І WANT YOU ТО COME WITH ME 
TO MEET SOME OF THE DOWN-HOME FOLK... THE 


HELL, NO? 
VOU DON'T WANT TO MINGLE 
WITH THAT POOR TRASH, HONEY: 


H 
w 


7) кї 
“жау 
a 


LITTLE LADY, 
I'M GOING TO TAKE YOU ROUND TO THE 
PRIVATE GLASSED-IN BOXES RINGING THE 

STADIUM. WHAT WE WANT TO DO 15 SHOW 
THE CLUB MEMBERS THAT THE CHEERLEADERS 
ARE NOT A BUNCH OF FLOOZIES. I WANT THEM TO 
SEE YOU, CLOSE UP, AS YOU ARE... PURE AND 
INNOCENT AS DRIVEN SNOW... JUST LIKE 
THE GIRL NEXT DOOR 


WELL! " 
WHAT A COINCIDENCE / COME ON IN 
THAT'S MY LITTLE NEIGHBOR, J HERE AND HAVE 
A BEER! 


tHe GIRL NEXT DOOR! 


ЛАКЕ ME BALK TO 
THE MOTEL, GATOR. WE'LL 
SMOKE A LITTLE AND I'LL 
SHOW YOU A TRICK 1 DO 
WITH AN AVOCADO. 
HEY, 


NEIOHEOR / 


THESE SUITES ARE OWNED Ву SOME ОҒ 
THE RICHEST FOLK IN TEXAS 


THEY Рау $75.000 FOR THE BOX, AND THEN THEY DECORATE IT 
IN THEIR OWN PERSONAL STYLE. 


MORE 
NECTAR, GET ME LEAPIN' 
SPARTACUS. А BOOK OF MATCHES, LIZARDS! 
А SPARTACUS. 


BARTENDER, BRING J.B. 
AND THE LITTLE LADY WHATEVER 


1 THEY WANT. 


GOLLY! REMOTE-CONTROL CURTAINS! BUT HOW САМ 
WE SEE THE GAME WITH THE CURTAINS CLOSED? 


AND NOW WE COME To MV ВОХ! 6 gn NOT. 
<... ANNIE, THIS 15 WASHINGTON, OUR OLD WASHINGTON! 

FAMILY RETAINER. WASH 1S JUST а tM JEFFERSON) 
E LIKE FAMILY. 


МЕ CAN WATCH THE 
MONITORS. IT WOULDN'T DO FOR THE 
FANS TO SEE US SIPPING CHAMPAGNE, 
HONEY. CHEERLEADERS MUST PROJECT 
THE RIGHT IMAGE. 


OUR CHEERLEADERS AS шары. 2. 
обие Ш 

FUTURE MOTHERS 
OF AMERICA. 


Ec зш, Д - 


р WE WANT THEM TO SEE PERKY LITTLE CHEER- 
JER LEADERS... HEALTHY IN mind AND BODY- 

You UP А SURPRISE 
HIND THE ВАВ 
AS MONS 

APPLE PIE, WITH 

MEANWHILE, 
ALWAYS REMEMBER, 

RY 10,000 STADIUM FANS ARE ROUND LITTLE 4 ELI ABOUT SOME- | 
OUT THERE, WATCHING BOODIES. f ING TO EAT? 
YOU, TO SAY NOTHING 4 2 VEEE 

OF THE 10,000,000 ' . VEEE 
TV VIEWERS. 


I DEARLY DO 


LOVE TO PORK CUTE LITTLE 
CHEERLEADERS! 


EXCUSE ME. Э 
MISTER J.B., BUT I DON'T 
THINK WE'RE PROJECTING THE 

RIGHT IMAGE - 


— BUT YOU 
TOLO МЕ TO KEEP 
THE CAMERA ON THE 
SWEETIE PIES 
РАТООТІЕ 57 
2 GNE | 


US A*TT 
GIVE US ANT, 


321 


Symbol of 
the quality gift: 


Give the holiday gift everybody wants— 
Seagram's 7 Crown. Only Seagram's 7 has the 
unmatched quality that makes everyone's 
favorite drinks taste better. No wonder it’s 
America’s most given gift. And remember 
to enjoy our quality in moderation. 


Seagram's 4 Crown 


Where quality drinks begin. 


GIFT-PACKAGED AT NO EXTRA COST, SEAGRAN DISTILLERS COMPANY, N Y.0, AMERICAN WHISKEY-A BLEND. 80 PROOF. 


PLAYBOY 


ON- THE-SCENE 


HABITAT. 


LIGHT AND BRIGHT 


hen the sun goes down and the lights go out, everyone says the same thing: “Where the hell is the flashlight?” And if you 
don't have one handy, you're right back in the Dark Ages, fumbling for a match. While we're shining light on the subject, 
we'd also like to point out that many of today’s flashlights serve multiple purposes. One doubles as a spot-and-signal light, 
another is guaranteed for five years and a third even squirts a repel lent. Let those little lights shine! 


Following the numbers: 1. Fluores- 
cent Rechargeable Lantern for 
blackouts, from Hammacher 
Schlemmer, $59.95; optional car. 
boat recharger, $8.95. 2. Eight 
Function Lantern is a portable 
spotsearchlight, flashing signal, 
plus more, by Prestigeline, $29.95. 
3. The 2 in 1 Fluorescent Lantern 
throws abeam and anonglare light, 
by Prestigeline, $19.95. 4. Red-i- 
Ray Flashlight features a small red 
beacnn for easy location, $12.95. 
5. Mallory lightweight plastic 


flashlight, from Sierra Designs, 
Oakland, California, $2.79. 6. Five 
Year Flashlight, from Gokeys, St. 
Paul, Minnesota, $12. 7. Water- 
proof Sportsman’s Lantern, from 
L. L. Bean, Freeport, Maine, $8.50. 
8. Guardian Repellent Flashlight 
52 can abo squirt a peppery repellent, 
by Votco Security Systems, $19.95. 


323 


FASHION 


GETTING GOOD STYLE MILEAGE 


everal designers in our Birth of a Notion fashion pictorial 
elsewhere in this issue emphasized that if you have a 

rdrobe with versatility, it will continue to grow in impor- 
tance, as both a hedge against rising costs and a way 
around excessive storage problems. To further expound on that 
point, we present four interpretations of the same herringbone 
sporis jacket. The looks range from a somewhat conservative 


treatment with vest and tie to one that’s more country squire, with 
a plaid shirt and knit tie featured. And there’s also the obvious 
outerwear approach in which the jacket is worn over a 
sweater—as well as the throwaway chic of wearing it over noth- 
ing but a T-shirt and jeans. The idea is that a single garment can 
express many personalities and serve а variety of purposes while 
keeping your fashion inventory within bounds.  —DAMID PLATT 


Far left: On a brisk but sunny 
day, when an outercoat's too 
hefty and just a shirt won't 
stop the chill, team up this 
wool single-breasted her- 
ringbone jacket featuring 
notched lapels and suede 
elbow patches, from Chaps by 
Ralph Lauren, about $180, 
with a cotton-panel ribbed 
crew-neck, about 565, cotton 
short-sleeved work shirt, 
about $40, and straight- 
legged slacks, also about 
$30, all by Country Britches. 


Left: Here, that same sports 
coal is combined with a 
striped cotton/polyester shirt 
with a contrasting round col- 
lar, from Brigade by Arrow, 
about $19; а lambskin six- 
button vest with flap and 
besom pockets, from Chaps 
by Ralph Lauren, about $60; 
gray wool flannel pleated 
narrow-legged slacks that are 
lined only to the knee, by 
Georgette Ghica Designs, 
about $105; and a silk tie, by 
Michel Cravat, about $15. 


Above right: for an easy 
Saturday ramble, it's tough lo 
beat our sports jacket, this 
time tossed on over a simple 
raglan-sleeved polyester/ 
cotton short-sleeved crew- 
neck T-shirt, by the New York 
Sportswear Exchange, about 
514.50; and cotton Western- 
style narrow-ltgged jeans, by 
New Man, about $55, that are 
held up by a leather double- 
saddle-stitched helt with a 
nifty metal stirrup buckle, 
by Trafalgar, about 520. 


Right: Last, to capture that 
casually elegant country look, 
combine your herringbone 
sports jacket with a brushed- 
cotton windowpane-pl. 
shirt featuring а medium- 
spread collar, about $37.50, 
and add a wool knit tie, about 
$10, both from Chaps by 
Ralph Lauren. Then pull it all 
together, pardner, with a pair 
of Western. front double-wale 
cotton corduroy slacks with 
straight legs and belt loops, 
by New Man, about $65. 


DAVID 
PLATT’S 
FASHION 
TIPS 


With this issue, we begin a 
monthly column of miscellane- 
ous fashion information that 
will cover everything from the 
latest style trends to solid ad- 
vice on fashion dos and don'ts. 

. 

We're happy to report that 
American fashions have never 
been more internationally re- 
spected. Jeans are favorites 
everywhere, closely followed by 
Westernwear Spruce up your 
wardrobe—if you haven't done 
so already—with a good pair 
of cowboy boots, heavyweight 
straight-legged jeans, а hand- 
tooled belt, a yoked and snap- 
front shirt, a leather vest, a 
shearling jacket and maybe a 
ten-gallon hat. Just don't wear 
them all at once unless you're 
Clayton Moore or a member oi 
the Village People. 

. 

That same point сап be made 
about designer clothes. While 
designers! collections. generally 
reflect а point of view, don't 
dress entirely in any one look 
Westernwear, designer clothes, 
antique clothes, etc., are all 
among today's richly expanded 
fashion resources. The secret 
to dressing well is not to come 
away looking like a banker or 
а cowboy but to be subtly 
distinctive. 


. 

Shoulders are definitely back 
in suits, sporis jackets and 
sportswear. Skip the ridiculously 
exaggerated styles апа check 
out items that have a moderate 
inverted triangle or wedge look: 
broad shoulders paring down to 
a slightly nipped waist, all fin- 
ished off with tapered-leg trou- 
sers. As this silhouette becomes 
more established, expect manu- 
facturers and designers to ex- 
periment with their palettes. 
Sportswear colors will explode, 
especially those of shiny, glazed 
and polished fabrics. In dressier 
items, More conservative shades, 
such as slate blues, greens and 
grays, will be worn 


WHEELS 


THE ULTIMATE ALFA 


brand-new car we were wheeling through the Italian Alps. 

It was Alfa Romeo' latest effort, a bold foray by the Italian 

maker into the world of high-dollar luxury sedans by the 
likes of Mercedes, BMW and Jaguar. 

Italian cars, of course, are created by and for Italian drivers, 
who are like no other drivers in the world. Their right feet know 
only two positions — full throttle and full brake. Their arms are 
extended, race-driver style, their knees far apart and bent, the 
better to tromp the pedals on and off with the flow of traffic. They 
love and embrace their machinery, love to hear and feel it work- 
ing; cams, lifters and valves whirring and clacking under the 
hood, gears whining, tires drubbing over the road and exhaust 
rasping impatiently behind. 

That is why Italian cars are the way they are—exciting to look 
at, full of character and decidedly eccentric. Like a cigar-smoking 
uncle, they can be charming in their way, but you'd better adapt to 
them, because they're not going to change for you. You either like 
them or you don’t. But this new Alfa sedan was something very 
different. It was quiet and comfortable. Its seating position slightly 
chairlike, vaguely Italian, but nothing like the knee-crunching, 
arm-stretching Latin torture chambers we've experienced in the 
past. There was a power height adjuster for the driver's seat, іп 
addition to the usual manual adjustments for fore/aft and seat- 
back angle: the steering wheel adjusted up and down to provide a 
suitable position for nearly anyone. The ride was excellent and 
the handling superb, thanks to a sophisticated torsion-bar front 
and a De Dion rear suspension, and the power four-wheel disc 
brakes sucked us to а halt on command. as if we'd driven into a 

puddle of Super-Glue. 
The big sedan is powered by a new 
2.5-liter, double-overhead-cam, 
aluminum V6 engine, making it the 
first six-cylinder Alfa since 1962 and 
the only six-cylinder sedan cur- 


T was something wonderfully strange about this 


Above: 


rently produced in Italy. A choice of five-speed-manual or 
three-speed-automatic transmission is offered in Europe, but the 
American version will be automatic only. 

The standard-equipment list is truly impressive: variable- 
assist power rack-and-pinion steering and {as mentioned) power 
four-wheel disc brakes, automatic-temperature-control air condi- 
tioning, intermittent windshield wipers, electrically adjustable 
outside mirror, power windows and door locks, full instrumenta- 
tion, including tachometer and quartz clock, plus enough warn- 
ing lights for a 747, electric rear-window defogger, tinted glass all 
around, multiadjustable driver's seat and steering wheel and even 
five separate ashtrays. Logically, the factory option list is corre- 
spondingly short, consisting of just light alloy wheels, metallic 
paint and real leather trim. 

At 187 4 inches overall length on a 102.4-inch wheelbase and 
about $20,000 per, it's directly competitive with the six-cylinder. 
Mercedes, BMW and Jaguar sedans and seems an intentional 
compromise between them. On the outside, it's attractive enough 
in the Italian way, yet subtle and understated like the German 
machines. The interior is warmer and plusher than the German 
cars’, yet not as decadently sumptuous as the Jaguar's. It's as 
coolly competent as anything the Germans might build, yet re- 
tains the personality and some of the quirkiness of the typical 
Italian. (The steering wheel cut through our line of vision to the 
speedo and tach; the brakes squeal on every application like a cat 
with its tail under the rocker.) That quirkiness aside, however, it 
seems that Alfa Romeo, producer for years of very Italian cars, 
has gone a long way toward building an excellent high-buck 
German sedan. 

Unfortunately, it’s a low-volume piece—just a few thousand a 
year are planned, with only 700-800 of those tagged for United 
States importation beginning about January. It's known as the Alfa 
6 in Europe, but there may be a more colorful name planned by 
someone for the Colonies. Something like 250TL would have a 
nice Teutonic ring. —GARY WITZENBURG 


limited number of the Alfa 6, that famous marque's entry into the never-never land of expensive luxury sedans, have just arrived on these 


shores sporting a $20,000 price tag and such goodies as power four-wheel disc brakes, automatic air conditioning and а six-cylinder engine, Со! 


. М Nog, freely translated, is how the 
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РА delicious. Ina word—luscious! | 
for lus CIOUS —— —7 Rum Nog, the new luscious drink from 
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een os Г 
7 KA 


Seeing Is Believing 


Happy Days’ DONNY MOST (a.k.a. Ralph Malph) got himself a 
date The Fonz would probably die for. We don’t have the young 
lady's name, but we're trying (о contact her dress designer. This 
outfit wouldn't make it in the Snow Belt, so happy gaze. 


Dress Code 


Acting is a grueling profession. Just ask BELINDA BAUER 
(above, on the set of Winter Kills with JEFF BRIDGES) or SEAN 
CONNERY (right, whose new movie, Cuba, opens soon). It's a 
life filled with details: wardrobe changes, period costumes, 
hours of retakes. It's hard to dress for success. Are Belinda and 
Sean worried? Nah. Everything goes with boxer shorts. 


Tell Us Where It Hurts 


Does SALVADOR DALI give good headache? Will acupuncture ever replace 
phrenology? Is ALICE COOPER one of the crowned heads of Europe? Your 
guess is as good as ours; but, frankly, we never suspected the veteran 
surrealist would end up painting by the numbers. 


© 1979 ВОВ GRUEN 


RLD 


OSCAR AEOLAFIA | TRANSW 


Could She Love, Could She Woo, 
Coochie, Coochie, Coo 

Even after countless Tonight Show appearances and 
her years with Cugat, we just never thought of 
СНАКО as so much larger than life. Well, she is. 
Currently hot on the disco circuit, she walks away 
with this month's celebrity chest award. 


А. ACE BURGESS JACE'S ANGELS 


Hold the Geritol 


Mr. Television, MILTON BERLE, bellies up to disco partner LISA CARIERI instead of 
to the bar. When we consider just how long Uncle Miltie’s been aruund, we're glad 
he knows the difference—and still cares. 


Down but Not Out 


f Those Gams Could Only Talk Department: MICKEY ROONEY is getting some pointers 
for his Broadway debut from veteran tapper and co-star ANN MILLER. Their show, Sugar 


Babies, is a musical salute to burlesque. Those are the bee's knees. si 


GIQUORE GALLIANO 
The Italian Classic. М 


8 
в 
e 
5 
g 
3 


“21” Brands, Inc., М.Ү., N.Y, 70 Proof Lia 


Д Gown by La Mendola. 
4 | Photographed at Castel Sant'Angelo, Rome. 
L The Italian Classic by Galliano. 


SLAY BOY'S ROVING EYE 


The Mystery of the Forgotten Photos 


Last year, a group of actors was c leaning out an old building on East 18th 
Street in Manhattan when it discovered some old 2*4" x 2'4" negatives 
amid the refuse. The rest is history, or at least a Roving Eye. We've 
checked with Milton Greene, Vince Tajiri, Larry Sc hiller, Josh Logan. 

some of the photographers who worked with Marilyn during her 
Actors Studio days (the estimated date of the negatives) but no one 
recognizes the shots. Do you know anything about these pics? 


332 


SEX NEWS 


SEXUAL DISORDERLIES 


Seventy-two percent of the women in a 
recent survey said they wouldn't ask their 
gynecologists about sexual matters. That 
sounds to us a little like not asking your 
accountant about your taxes. Actually, we 
presented one side of the story last July 
(Where Sex 18 Concerned, the Doctor Is 
Ош, by Morton Hunt). It seems a large 
number of doctors don't know much about 
sexual behavior. It figures. What with 
rigorous schooling, residency and intern- 
ship, they haven't had much time for sexual 
experimentation, despite what the soap 
operas tell you. Now, the women patients 
say it shows. Of those who wouldn't talk to 
the doc about sex, 41 percent claimed that 


Ever wonder how dancers in nudie bars get 
around blue laws? Here's the answer—bush 
panis. They're $19.95 from Underworld, 
PO. Box 8372, Chicago, Illinois 60606. 


their doctor's inhibitions kept them off the 
subject. Of all the women interviewed, 
only 16 percent claimed their own hang 
ups made it impossible to discuss sex 
Some of the women limited their sex talk to 
the subject of birth control. As we told you 
in July, things may improve. Med schools 
are showing erotic films to future doctors 
hoping they'll be more frank about sex, In 
the meantime, buy your doctor a subscrip- 
tion to PLAYBOY 


MARIJUANA MONKEYSHINES 


Newspapers have blasted marijuana for 
inhibiting reproduction in an experiment 
using rhesus monkeys. (And you thought 
baby seals had problems.) News stories 
implied that moderate use of the weed, 
about two joints per day, produces more 
reproductive casualties than usual. That's 
пої so, according to the National Organiza- 
tion for the Reform of Marijuana Laws. 


Monkeys in the experiment actually in- 
gested theequivalent of about 27 joints per 
day. Whoops, looks like another en- 
dangered species! Extrapolating human 
data from the research is further compli- 
cated by the fact that experimenters ad- 
ministered oral doses of synthetic THC, the 
active ingredient in reefer. It's not the same 
as inhaling the smoke from grass, says 
NORML. In another experiment, research- 
ers compared the effects of oral THC and 
inhaled marijuana on reproduction. That 
work bears out the risks demonstrated by 
oral THC in the earlier study, but no signifi- 
cant adverse effects to the reproductive sys- 
tem resulted from inhaled marijuana. 
None. What does this mean? Don't bogart 
that joint, my friend, but stay away fromthe 
Alice B. Toklas brownies. 


NOW YOU TELL US 


Johns Hopkins Hospital, a leading center 
for sex-change surgery, has quietly thrown 
in the surgical sponge on such operations. 
Psychiatrists there report that surgery has 
been no more effective than psychotherapy 
in alleviating patients’ gender-identity 
crises. In a study of 50 patients, those who 
had undergone surgery, if anything, were 
rated slightly less well adjusted to life than 
those who had received only counseling. 
Data collection consisted of following up 
patients who had gone to the hospital's 
clinic since 1966. Eighty percent of them 
were men who had wanted to become 
women. Researchers measured adjustment 
to life by job success, trouble with the law, 
marriage and cohabitation with the same 
or the opposite sex and need for psychiatric 
counseling. The hospital has dismantled its 
committee for screening applicants for 
surgery. No sex-reassignment surgery has 
been performed there since last spring. Тһе 
new school of thought: A person's 
psychological environment is more power- 
ful than his physiology. 


A JUG OF 
WINE, A DOWN 
COMFORTER 
AND THOU 


The recorder of 
birth statistics іп 
the Chicago area 
noted a swell in the 
number of births 
around October. 
Why? Easy. Just 
count back nine 
months to last 
January, when the 
worst blizzard in 
12 years hit the 
area. Obviously, 
housebound Chi- 
cagoans found a 
pleasant way to 
combat cabin 
fever. 


“2 


This Carbondale, Illinois, pooch couldn't abide another round of 
holiday grog, so he hustled up some companions for a romp in 
the snow. As Nanook of the North used to say, mush mush, 


WHY CAN'T A MAN 
BE MORE LIKE А WOMAN? 


A psychologist has told a conference of 
sex researchers something we've sus- 
pected all along: It's easier to be a tomboy 
than to be a sissy. Dr. Richard Green of the 


V the T-shirt fits, wear it. If it doesn't fit, find 
someone friendly to wear it with you. Here's 
January's cozy T-shirt of the month, a fitting 
plug for Bizarre Comix. Two for T? 


State University of New York at Stony 
Brook has been studying preadolescent 
boys with girlish behavior. “Masculine be- 
havior is given a higher status in our soci- 
ety,” says Dr. Green, who points out that 
young boys who opt for female roles when 
playing are ostracized by their buddies, 
while girls who play like boys are accepted 
by other girls. Green suspects that since 
they have no male friends, the etfeminate 
boys play with girls and emulate their at- 
traction to males, Halí of those in the study 
who have reached adolescence have 

become homosexual or bisexual. ЕВ 


GARRICK MADISON 


In California, а store owner charts sales on his Apple 
Computer. On weekends though, he totes Apple home to help 
plan family finances with his wife. And for the kids to explore 
the new world of personal computers. 


A hobbyist in Michigan starts a local Apple Computer 
Club, to challenge other members to computer 
games of skill and to trade programs. 


Innovative folks everywhere 
have discovered that the era of the 
personal computer has already 
begun—with Apple. 
Educators and students use 
Apple in the classroom. Business- 
men trust Apple with the books. 
Parents are making Apple the newest 
family pastime, And kids of all ages 
are finding how much fun computers can 
be, and have no time for TV once they've discovered Apple. 


Visit yourlocal computer store 


The excitement starts in your local computer store. It’s a 


friendly place, owned by one of your neighbors. He'll show 
you exactly what you can use a personal computer for. 


What to look for 

Your local computer store has several different brands 
to show you. So the salesman can recommend the one that 
best meets your needs. Chances are, it will be an Apple 
Computer. Apple is the one you can program yourself. So 
there's no limit to the things you can do. Most important, 
Apple's the one with more expansion capability. That 
means alot. Because the more you use your Apple, the 
more uses you'll discover. So your best bet is a personal 
computer that can grow with you as your skill and 
involvement grow. Apple's the one. 
It's your move 

Grab a piece of the future for yourself. Visit your local 
computer store. We'll give you the address of the Apple 
dealer nearest you when you call our toll-free number. 
Then drop by and sink your teeth into an Apple. 
800-538-9696. In California, 800-662-9238. Г) 


کی 


Ге\ қолма” 


PLAYBOY 


334 


clean, masculine s 
loves her man to wear... or nothing at 
ай. Wind Drift*. A clear, crisp call to 
adventure... refreshing as the wind 
from the sea. Timberline. Brisk and 
woodsy, exhilarating as the great 
outdoors. In After Shave, Cologne, 
Gift Sets. and men's grooming gear. 
At fine toiletry counters. 


English Leather. 


Northvale, New Jersey 07647 © 1978 
Available in Canada 


AT THE REGULAR $2.50 PRICE 


NEXT MONTH: 


“DOES PORNOGRAPHY LEAD TO RAPE?"—THERE'S A HANDFUL OF 
MILITANT FEMINISTS WHO WANT TO PUT SEX BACK IN PLAIN BROWN 
WRAPPERS. WE SHED SOME LIGHT ON THE SUBJECT—BY ROBERT SHEA 


PAT CADDELL, THE PRESIDENT'S POLLSTER, TELLS WHAT HE THINKS 
OF HAMILTON JORDAN AND HOW HE CAN GET JIMMY CARTER RE- 
ELECTED IN A STRAIGHT-SHOOTING PLAYBOY INTERVIEW 


“WHO'S ON FIRST?"—SUPERSPY BLACKFORD OAKES RETURNS ТО 
BECOME ENTWINED WITH THE K.G.B. AND A BATCH OF HUNGARIAN 
REVOLUTIONARIES. AN EARLY LOOK AT THE LATEST THRILLER FROM 
WILLIAM F. BUCKLEY, JR. 


“THE BUTTONDOWN TERROR OF DAVID DUKE"—THE KU KLUX KLAN 
IS BACK AND GETTING STRONGER, THANKS MOSTLY TO A YOUNG ЅИСКІЕ 
FROM LOUISIANA. A HEART-STOPPING PORTRAIT—BY HARRY CREWS 


“DOWNHILL RACERS"—JUST WHAT IS THERE ABOUT THE DOWNHILL 
THAT MAKES IT THE BALLSIEST SKI EVENT OF ALL? AN INTIMATE VIEW OF 
ITS TOP PRACTITIONERS—BY JOHN SKOW 


“PLAYBOY'S PICKS’’—OUR VERY OWN PEERLESS PROGNOSTICA- 
TOR TRIES A NEW TACK, PREDICTING THE MEDAL-WINNING COUNTRIES 
FOR EACH WINTER OLYMPICS EVENT—BY ANSON MOUNT 


“THE (SEXUAL) BOOKLET OF LISTS"—THE GOOD PARTS FROM THE 
LATEST VOLUME OF BEST-SELLING MISCELLANY FROM IRVING WALLACE, 
DAVID WALLECHINSKY, AMY WALLACE AND SYLVIA WALLACE 


“THE YEAR IN SEX"—ONCE MORE, WITH FEELING, A LOOK AT THE UPS 
AND DOWNS (NOT TO MENTION THE INS AND OUTS) OF THE SEXUAL REVO- 
LUTION IN THE PAST 12 MONTHS. 


“CONCORDE WEEKEND''—THE MOST ROMANTIC WAY TO SEE PARIS, 
WITH TEXT BY TRAVEL EDITOR STEPHEN BIRNBAUM 


PLAYBOY INTERVIEWS WITH LINDA 
RONSTADT, STEVEN SPIELBERG ANO BEN BRADLEE; FICTIONAL OF- 
FERINGS FROM SEAN O'FAOLAIN AND DONALD E. WESTLAKE; “JOIN 
CHUCK BARRIS AND SEE THE WEIRD," A PROFILE OF THE MAN WHO 
PACKAGED THE LUNATIC FRINGE FOR TV; A PREVIEW OF JAY CRONLEY'S 
ZANY NEW BASEBALL NOVEL, “SCREWBALLS”; “THE SECRET LIFE 
OF POLITICS," BY THE REPORTER WHO BROUGHT US ELIZABETH RAY, 
RUDY МАХА; “DID HE DO ТНАТ?? THE CANDIDATES’ MOST EM- 
BARRASSING MOMENTS," BY JIM DAVIDSON; BEHIND THE SCENES 
OF ALL THAT JAZZ, THE SENSATIONAL NEW BOB FOSSE MOVIE: A LOVING 
LOOK AT BO (10) DEREK, SHOT BY HER DIRECTOR/PHOTOGRAPHER 
HUSBAND, JOHN; POEMS BY SHEL SILVERSTEIN; LE ROY NEIMAN 
SKETCHBOOKS; LITTLE ANNIE FANNY; “EARLY WARNINGS,” A NEW 
LOOK AT PREMONITIONS BY WALTER LOWE; “PLAYBOY'S PLAYMATE 
REUNION"; LAVISH PICTORIALS ON ACTRESSES MELONIE (SWEAT НОС) 
HALLER AND BARBARA BACH; “THE GIRLS OF AUSTRALIA”; “THE 
GIRLS OF CANADA"; A UNIQUE PERSPECTIVE ON HAWAI HE REAL 
STORY BEHIND THE POTENTIAL PROFITS OF LEGALIZEO FOT; AND THE 
NEXT EPISOOE IN OUR SEXUAL SURVEY OF AMERICAN CITIES: BOSTON. 


FOR SPECIAL FRIENDS, 
IT'S WORTH GOING OVERBOARD. 


AGS A 


Also ayailable 
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sæ -